This is a modern-English version of Mark Twain: A Biography. Complete, originally written by Paine, Albert Bigelow. It has been thoroughly updated, including changes to sentence structure, words, spelling, and grammar—to ensure clarity for contemporary readers, while preserving the original spirit and nuance. If you click on a paragraph, you will see the original text that we modified, and you can toggle between the two versions.

Scroll to the bottom of this page and you will find a free ePUB download link for this book.

MARK TWAIN A BIOGRAPHY

THE PERSONAL AND LITERARY LIFE OF SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS





BY ALBERT BIGELOW PAINE










CONTENTS

TABLE OF CONTENTS

VOLUME I, Part 1: 1835-1866
AN ACKNOWLEDGMENT
PREFATORY NOTE
MARK TWAIN—A BIOGRAPHY
I. ANCESTORS
II. THE FORTUNES OF JOHN AND JANE CLEMENS
III. A HUMBLE BIRTHPLACE
IV. BEGINNING A LONG JOURNEY
V. THE WAY OF FORTUNE
VI. A NEW HOME
VII. THE LITTLE TOWN OF HANNIBAL.
VIII. THE FARM
IX. SCHOOL-DAYS
X. EARLY VICISSITUDE AND SORROW
XI. DAYS OF EDUCATION
XII. TOM SAWYER'S BAND
XIII. THE GENTLER SIDE
XIV. THE PASSING OF JOHN CLEMENS
XV. A YOUNG BEN FRANKLIN
XVI. THE TURNING-POINT
XVII. THE HANNIBAL “JOURNAL”
XVIII. THE BEGINNING OF A LITERARY LIFE
XIX. IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF FRANKLIN
XX. KEOKUK DAYS
XXI. SCOTCHMAN NAMED MACFARLANE
XXII. THE OLD CALL OF THE RIVER
XXIII. THE SUPREME SCIENCE
XXIV. THE RIVER CURRICULUM
XXV. LOVE-MAKING AND ADVENTURE
XXVI. THE TRAGEDY OF THE “PENNSYLVANIA”
XXVII. THE PILOT
XXVIII. PILOTING AND PROPHECY
XXIX. THE END OF PILOTING
XXX. THE SOLDIER
XXXI. OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY
XXXII. THE PIONEER
XXXIII. THE PROSPECTOR
XXXIV. TERRITORIAL CHARACTERISTICS
XXXV. THE MINER
XXXVI. LAST MINING DAYS
XXXVII. THE NEW ESTATE
XXXVIII. ONE OF THE “STAFF”
XXXIX. PHILOSOPHY AND POETRY
XL. "MARK TWAIN”
XLI. THE CREAM OF COMSTOCK HUMOR
XLII. REPORTORIAL DAYS.
XLIII. ARTEMUS WARD
XLIV. GOVERNOR OF THE “THIRD HOUSE”
XLV. A COMSTOCK DUEL.
XLVI. GETTING SETTLED IN SAN FRANCISCO
XLVII. BOHEMIAN DAYS
XLVIII. THE REFUGE OF THE HILLS
XLIX. THE JUMPING FROG
L. BACK TO THE TUMULT
LI. THE CORNER-STONE
LII. A COMMISSION TO THE SANDWICH ISLANDS
LIII. ANSON BURLINGAME AND THE “HORNET” DISASTER
VOLUME I, Part 2: 1866-1875
LIV. THE LECTURER
LV. HIGHWAY ROBBERY
LVI. BACK TO THE STATES
LVII. OLD FRIENDS AND NEW PLANS
LVIII. A NEW BOOK AND A LECTURE
LIX. THE FIRST BOOK
LX. THE INNOCENTS AT SEA
LXI. THE INNOCENTS ABROAD
LXII. THE RETURN OF THE PILGRIMS
LXIII. IN WASHINGTON—A PUBLISHING PROPOSITION
LXIV. OLIVIA LANGDON
LXV. A CONTRACT WITH ELISHA BLISS, JR.
LXVI. BACK TO SAN FRANCISCO
LXVII. A VISIT TO ELMIRA
LXVIII. THE REV. “JOE” TWICHELL.
LXIX. A LECTURE TOUR
LXX. INNOCENTS AT HOME—AND “THE INNOCENTS ABROAD”
LXXI. THE GREAT BOOK OF TRAVEL.
LXXII. THE PURCHASE OF A PAPER.
LXXIII. THE FIRST MEETING WITH HOWELLS
LXXIV. THE WEDDING-DAY
LXXV. AS TO DESTINY
LXXVI. ON THE BUFFALO “EXPRESS”
LXXVII. THE “GALAXY”
LXXVIII. THE PRIMROSE PATH
LXXIX. THE OLD HUMAN STORY
LXXX. LITERARY PROJECTS
LXXXI. SOME FURTHER LITERARY MATTERS
LXXXII. THE WRITING OF “ROUGHING IT”
LXXXIII. LECTURING DAYS
LXXXIV. "ROUGHING IT”.
LXXXV. A BIRTH, A DEATH, AND A VOYAGE
LXXXVI. ENGLAND
LXXXVII. THE BOOK THAT WAS NEVER WRITTEN
LXXXVIII. "THE GILDED AGE”
LXXXIX. PLANNING A NEW HOME
XC. A LONG ENGLISH HOLIDAY
XCI. A LONDON LECTURE
XCII. FURTHER LONDON LECTURE TRIUMPHS
XCIII. THE REAL COLONEL SELLERS-GOLDEN DAYS
XCIV. BEGINNING “TOM SAWYER”
XCV. AN “ATLANTIC” STORY AND A PLAY
XCVI. THE NEW HOME
XCVII. THE WALK TO BOSTON
XCVIII. "OLD TIMES ON THE MISSISSIPPI”
XCIX. A TYPEWRITER, AND A JOKE ON ALDRICH
C. RAYMOND, MENTAL TELEGRAPHY, ETC.
CI. CONCLUDING “TOM SAWYER”—MARK TWAIN's “EDITORS”
CII. "SKETCHES NEW AND OLD”
CIII. "ATLANTIC” DAYS
CIV. MARK TWAIN AND HIS WIFE
VOLUME II, Part 1: 1875-1886
CV. MARK TWAIN AT FORTY
CVI. HIS FIRST STAGE APPEARANCE
CVII. HOWELLS, CLEMENS, AND “GEORGE”
CVIII. SUMMER LABORS AT QUARRY FARM
CIX. THE PUBLIC APPEARANCE OF “TOM SAWYER”
CX. MARK TWAIN AND BRET HARTE WRITE A PLAY
CXI. A BERMUDA HOLIDAY
CXII. A NEW PLAY AND A NEW TALE
CXIII. TWO DOMESTIC DRAMAS
CXIV. THE WHITTIER BIRTHDAY SPEECH
CXV. HARTFORD AND BILLIARDS
CXVI. OFF FOR GERMANY
CXVII. GERMANY AND GERMAN
CXVIII. TRAMPING WITH TWICHELL.
CXIX. ITALIAN DAYS
CXX. IN MUNICH
CXXI. PARIS, ENGLAND, AND HOMEWARD BOUND
CXXII. AN INTERLUDE
CXXIII. THE GRANT SPEECH OF 1879
CXXIV. ANOTHER “ATLANTIC” SPEECH
CXXV. THE QUIETER THINGS OF HOME
CXXVI. "A TRAMP ABROAD”
CXXVII. LETTERS, TALES, AND PLANS
CXXVIII. MARK TWAIN's ABSENT-MINDEDNESS.
CXXIX. FURTHER AFFAIRS AT THE FARM
CXXX. COPYRIGHT AND OTHER FANCIES
CXXXI. WORKING FOR GARFIELD
CXXXII. A NEW PUBLISHER
CXXXIII. THE THREE FIRES—SOME BENEFACTIONS
CXXXIV. LITERARY PROJECTS AND A MONUMENT TO ADAM
CXXXV. A TRIP WITH SHERMAN AND AN INTERVIEW WITH GRANT.
CXXXVI. "THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER”
CXXXVII. CERTAIN ATTACKS AND REPRISALS
CXXXVIII. MANY UNDERTAKINGS
CXXXIX. FINANCIAL AND LITERARY
CXL. DOWN THE RIVER
CXLI. LITERATURE AND PHILOSOPHY
CXLII. "LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI”
CXLIII. A GUEST OF ROYALTY
CXLIV. A SUMMER LITERARY HARVEST
CXLV. HOWELLS AND CLEMENS WRITE A PLAY
CXLVI. DISTINGUISHED VISITORS
CXLVII. THE FORTUNES OF A PLAY
CXLVIII. CABLE AND HIS GREAT JOKE
CXLIX. MARK TWAIN IN BUSINESS
CL. FARM PICTURES
CLI. MARK TWAIN MUGWUMPS
CLII. PLATFORMING WITH CABLE
CLIII. HUCK FINN COMES INTO HIS OWN
CLIV. THE MEMOIRS OF GENERAL GRANT
CLV. DAYS WITH A DYING HERO
CLVI. THE CLOSE OF A GREAT CAREER
CLVII. MINOR MATTERS OF A GREAT YEAR
CLVIII. MARK TWAIN AT FIFTY
CLIX. THE LIFE OF THE POPE
CLX. A GREAT PUBLISHER AT HOME
CLXI. HISTORY: MAINLY BY SUSY
VOLUME II, Part 2: 1886-1900
CLXII. BROWNING, MEREDITH, AND MEISTERSCHAFT
CLXIII. LETTER TO THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND
CLXIV. SOME FURTHER ACCOUNT OF CHARLES L WEBSTER & CO.
CLXV. LETTERS, VISITS, AND VISITORS
CLVXVI. A “PLAYER” AND A MASTER OF ARTS
CLXVII. NOTES AND LITERARY MATTERS
CLXVIII. INTRODUCING NYE AND RILEY AND OTHERS
CLXIX. THE COMING OF KIPLING
CLXX. "THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER” ON THE STAGE
CLXXI. "A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT”
CLXXII. THE “YANKEE” IN ENGLAND
CLXXIII. A SUMMER AT ONTEORA
CLXXIV. THE MACHINE
CLXXV. "THE CLAIMANT”—LEAVING HARTFORD
CLXXVI. A EUROPEAN SUMMER
CLXXVII. KORNERSTRASSE,7
CLXXVIII. A WINTER IN BERLIN
CLXXIX. A DINNER WITH WILLIAM II.
CLXXX. MANY WANDERINGS
CLXXXI. NAUHEIM AND THE PRINCE OF WALES
CLXXXII. THE VILLA VIVIANI.
CLXXXIII. THE SIEUR DE CONTE AND JOAN
CLXXXIV. NEW HOPE IN THE MACHINE
CLXXXV. AN INTRODUCTION TO H. RODGERS
CLXXXVI. "THE BELLE OF NEW YORK”
CLXXXVII. SOME LITERARY MATTERS
CLXXXVIII. FAILURE
CLXXXIX. AN EVENTFUL YEAR ENDS
CXC. STARTING ON THE LONG TRAIL.
CXCI. CLEMENS ILL IN ELMIRA WITH A DISTRESSING CARBUNCLE
CXCII. "FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR”
CXCIII. THE PASSING OF SUSY
CXCIV. WINTER IN TEDWORTH SQUARE
CXCV. "PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS OF JOAN OF ARC”.
CXCVI. MR. ROGERS AND HELEN KELLER
CXCVII. FINISHING THE BOOK OF TRAVEL.
CXCVIII. A SUMMER IN SWITZERLAND
CXCIX. WINTER IN VIENNA
CC. MARK TWAIN PAYS HIS DEBTS
CCI. SOCIAL LIFE IN VIENNA
CCII. LITERARY WORK IN VIENNA
CCIII. AN IMPERIAL TRAGEDY
CCIV. THE SECOND WINTER IN VIENNA
CCV. SPEECHES THAT WERE NOT MADE
CCVI. A SUMMER IN SWEDEN
CCVII. 30, WELLINGTON COURT
CCVIII. MARK TWAIN AND THE WARS
CCIX. PLASMON, AND A NEW MAGAZINE
CCX. LONDON SOCIAL AFFAIRS
CCXI. DOLLIS HILL AND HOME
VOLUME III, Part 1: 1900-1907
CCXII. THE RETURN OF THE CONQUEROR
CCXIII. MARK TWAIN—GENERAL SPOKESMAN
CCXIV. MARK TWAIN AND THE MISSIONARIES
CCXV. SUMMER AT “THE LAIR”
CCXVI. RIVERDALE—A YALE DEGREE
CCXVII. MARK TWAIN IN POLITICS
CCXVIII. NEW INTERESTS AND INVESTMENTS
CCXIX. YACHTING AND THEOLOGY
CCXX. MARK TWAIN AND THE PHILIPPINES
CCXXI. THE RETURN OF THE NATIVE
CCXXII. A PROPHET HONORED IN HIS COUNTRY
CCXXIII. AT YORK HARBOR
CCXXIV. THE SIXTY-SEVENTH BIRTHDAY DINNER
CCXXV. CHRISTIAN SCIENCE CONTROVERSIES
CCXXVI. "WAS IT HEAVEN? OR HELL?”
CCXXVII. THE SECOND RIVERDALE WINTER
CCXXVIII. PROFFERED HONORS
CCXXXIX. THE LAST SUMMER AT ELMIRA
CCXXX. THE RETURN TO FLORENCE
CCXXXI. THE CLOSE OF A BEAUTIFUL LIFE
CCXXXII. THE SAD JOURNEY HOME
CCXXXIII. BEGINNING ANOTHER HOME
CCXXXIV. LIFE AT 21 FIFTH AVENUE
CCXXXV. A SUMMER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
CCXXXVI. AT PIER 70
CCXXXVII. AFTERMATH
CCXXXVIII. THE WRITER MEETS MARK TWAIN
CCXXXIX. WORKING WITH MARK TWAIN
CCXL. THE DEFINITION OF A GENTLEMAN
CCXLI. GORKY, HOWELLS, AND MARK TWAIN
CCXLII. MARK TWAIN'S GOOD-BY TO THE PLATFORM
CCXLIII. AN INVESTMENT IN REDDING
CCXLIV. TRAITS AND PHILOSOPHIES
CCXLV. IN THE DAY'S ROUND
CCXLVI. THE SECOND SUMMER AT DUBLIN
CCXLVI. DUBLIN, CONTINUED
CCXLVIII. "WHAT IS MAN?” AND THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY
CCXLIX. BILLIARDS
CCL. PHILOSOPHY AND PESSIMISM
CCLI. A LOBBYING EXPEDITION
CCLII. THEOLOGY AND EVOLUTION
CCLIII. AN EVENING WITH HELEN KELLER
CCLIV. BILLIARD-ROOM NOTES
CCLV. FURTHER PERSONALITIES
VOLUME III, Part 2: 1907-1910
CCLVI. HONORS FROM OXFORD
CCLVII. A TRUE ENGLISH WELCOME
CCLVIII. DOCTOR OF LITERATURE, OXFORD
CCLIX. LONDON SOCIAL HONORS
CCLX. MATTERS PSYCHIC AND OTHERWISE
CCLXI. MINOR EVENTS AND DIVERSIONS
CCLXII. FROM MARK TWAIN's MAIL.
CCLXIII. SOME LITERARY LUNCHEONS
CCLXIV. "CAPTAIN STORMFIELD” IN PRINT
CCLXV. LOTOS CLUB HONORS
CCLXVI. A WINTER IN BERMUDA
CCLXVII. VIEWS AND ADDRESSES
CCLXVIII. REDDING
CCLXIX. FIRST DAYS AT STORMFIELD
CCLXX. THE ALDRICH MEMORIAL.
CCLXXI. DEATH OF “SAM” MOFFETT
CCLXXII. STORMFIELD ADVENTURES
CCLXXIII. STORMFIELD PHILOSOPHIES
CCLXIV. CITIZEN AND FARMER
CCLXV. A MANTEL AND A BABY ELEPHANT
CCLXXVI. SHAKESPEARE-BACON TALK
CCLXXVII. "IS SHAKESPEARE DEAD?”
CCLXXVIII. THE DEATH OF HENRY ROGERS
CCLXXIX. AN EXTENSION OF COPYRIGHT
CCLXXX. A WARNING
CCLXXXI. THE LAST SUMMER AT STORMFIELD
CCLXXXII. PERSONAL MEMORANDA
CCLXXXIII. ASTRONOMY AND DREAMS
CCLXXXIV. A LIBRARY CONCERT
CCLXXXV. A WEDDING AT STORMFIELD
CCLXXXVI. AUTUMN DAYS
CCLXXVII. MARK TWAIN'S READING
CCLXXXVIII. A BERMUDA BIRTHDAY
CCLXXXIX. THE DEATH OF JEAN
CCXC. THE RETURN TO BERMUDA
CCXCI. LETTERS FROM BERMUDA
CCXCII. THE VOYAGE HOME
CCXCIII. THE RETURN TO THE INVISIBLE
CCXCIV. THE LAST RITES
CCXCV. MARK TWAIN'S RELIGION
CCXCVI. POSTSCRIPT
APPENDICES.






VOLUME I. Part 1: 1835-1866

TO CLARA CLEMENS GABRILOWITSCH WHO STEADILY UPHELD THE AUTHOR'S PURPOSE TO WRITE HISTORY RATHER THAN EULOGY AS THE STORY OF HER FATHER'S LIFE

TO CLARA CLEMENS GABRILOWITSCH WHO CONTINUALLY SUPPORTED THE AUTHOR'S AIM TO WRITE HISTORY RATHER THAN EULOGY AS THE NARRATIVE OF HER FATHER'S LIFE





AN ACKNOWLEDGMENT

Dear William Dean Howells, Joseph Hopkins Twichell, Joseph T. Goodman, and other old friends of Mark Twain:

Dear William Dean Howells, Joseph Hopkins Twichell, Joseph T. Goodman, and other long-time friends of Mark Twain:

I cannot let these volumes go to press without some grateful word to you who have helped me during the six years and more that have gone to their making.

I can't let these volumes be published without saying a word of thanks to you who have supported me during the six years and more that went into creating them.

First, I want to confess how I have envied you your association with Mark Twain in those days when you and he “went gipsying, a long time ago.” Next, I want to express my wonder at your willingness to give me so unstintedly from your precious letters and memories, when it is in the nature of man to hoard such treasures, for himself and for those who follow him. And, lastly, I want to tell you that I do not envy you so much, any more, for in these chapters, one after another, through your grace, I have gone gipsying with you all. Neither do I wonder now, for I have come to know that out of your love for him grew that greater unselfishness (or divine selfishness, as he himself might have termed it), and that nothing short of the fullest you could do for his memory would have contented your hearts.

First, I want to admit how much I've envied your connection with Mark Twain during those times when you both “went gipsying, a long time ago.” Next, I want to express my amazement at how generously you’ve shared your treasured letters and memories with me, even though it’s in human nature to keep such treasures for ourselves and for those who come after us. And finally, I want to say that I don’t envy you as much anymore, because in these chapters, one after another, through your kindness, I’ve gone gipsying with you all. I don’t wonder now, either, because I’ve learned that from your love for him came that deeper selflessness (or divine selfishness, as he might have called it), and nothing less than everything you could do for his memory would have satisfied your hearts.

My gratitude is measureless; and it is world-wide, for there is no land so distant that it does not contain some one who has eagerly contributed to the story. Only, I seem so poorly able to put my thanks into words.

My gratitude is limitless, and it stretches around the globe, as there’s no place so far away that it doesn’t have someone who has eagerly contributed to the story. Still, I feel so inadequate when it comes to expressing my thanks.

Albert Bigelow Paine.

Albert Bigelow Paine.





PREFATORY NOTE

Certain happenings as recorded in this work will be found to differ materially from the same incidents and episodes as set down in the writings of Mr. Clemens himself. Mark Twain's spirit was built of the very fabric of truth, so far as moral intent was concerned, but in his earlier autobiographical writings—and most of his earlier writings were autobiographical—he made no real pretense to accuracy of time, place, or circumstance—seeking, as he said, “only to tell a good story”—while in later years an ever-vivid imagination and a capricious memory made history difficult, even when, as in his so-called “Autobiography,” his effort was in the direction of fact.

Certain events described in this work will be notably different from the same incidents and stories presented in the writings of Mr. Clemens himself. Mark Twain's essence was rooted in truth, at least in terms of moral intent, but in his earlier autobiographical works—and most of his earlier writings were autobiographical—he didn’t really aim for accuracy in time, place, or circumstances—wanting, as he put it, “only to tell a good story”—while in later years, his vivid imagination and unreliable memory complicated history, even when, as in his so-called “Autobiography,” he was trying to stick to the facts.

“When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not,” he once said, quaintly, “but I am getting old, and soon I shall remember only the latter.”

“When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it really happened or not,” he once said, charmingly, “but I’m getting old, and soon I’ll only remember the latter.”

The reader may be assured, where discrepancies occur, that the writer of this memoir has obtained his data from direct and positive sources: letters, diaries, account-books, or other immediate memoranda; also from the concurring testimony of eye-witnesses, supported by a unity of circumstance and conditions, and not from hearsay or vagrant printed items.

The reader can be confident that whenever there are discrepancies, the author of this memoir has obtained his information from direct and reliable sources: letters, diaries, account books, or other firsthand notes; as well as from the consistent testimonies of eyewitnesses, backed by a single set of circumstances and conditions, not from gossip or random printed materials.





MARK TWAIN—A BIOGRAPHY





I. ANCESTORS

On page 492 of the old volume of Suetonius, which Mark Twain read until his very last day, there is a reference to one Flavius Clemens, a man of wide repute “for his want of energy,” and in a marginal note he has written:

On page 492 of the old book by Suetonius, which Mark Twain read until his final days, there's a mention of a guy named Flavius Clemens, known for his "lack of energy," and in the margin, he wrote:

“I guess this is where our line starts.”

“I guess this is where our line begins.”

It was like him to write that. It spoke in his whimsical fashion the attitude of humility, the ready acknowledgment of shortcoming, which was his chief characteristic and made him lovable—in his personality and in his work.

It was typical of him to write that. It expressed, in his quirky way, his humble attitude and willingness to admit his flaws, which were his most defining traits and made him endearing—in both his personality and his work.

Historically, we need not accept this identity of the Clemens ancestry. The name itself has a kindly meaning, and was not an uncommon one in Rome. There was an early pope by that name, and it appears now and again in the annals of the Middle Ages. More lately there was a Gregory Clemens, an English landowner who became a member of Parliament under Cromwell and signed the death-warrant of Charles I. Afterward he was tried as a regicide, his estates were confiscated, and his head was exposed on a pole on the top of Westminster Hall.

Historically, we don’t have to accept this identity of the Clemens ancestry. The name itself has a warm meaning and wasn’t uncommon in Rome. There was an early pope with that name, and it shows up here and there in the records of the Middle Ages. More recently, there was a Gregory Clemens, an English landowner who became a member of Parliament under Cromwell and signed the death warrant of Charles I. Later, he was tried as a regicide, his estates were taken, and his head was displayed on a pole atop Westminster Hall.

Tradition says that the family of Gregory Clemens did not remain in England, but emigrated to Virginia (or New Jersey), and from them, in direct line, descended the Virginia Clemenses, including John Marshall Clemens, the father of Mark Twain. Perhaps the line could be traced, and its various steps identified, but, after all, an ancestor more or less need not matter when it is the story of a descendant that is to be written.

Tradition holds that Gregory Clemens' family didn't stay in England but moved to Virginia (or New Jersey), and from them came the Virginia Clemenses, including John Marshall Clemens, Mark Twain's father. The family line could probably be traced, and its different branches identified, but ultimately, whether an ancestor is more or less significant doesn't really matter when the story of a descendant is being told.

Of Mark Twain's immediate forebears, however, there is something to be said. His paternal grandfather, whose name also was Samuel, was a man of culture and literary taste. In 1797 he married a Virginia girl, Pamela Goggin; and of their five children John Marshall Clemens, born August 11, 1798, was the eldest—becoming male head of the family at the age of seven, when his father was accidentally killed at a house-raising. The family was not a poor one, but the boy grew up with a taste for work. As a youth he became a clerk in an iron manufactory, at Lynchburg, and doubtless studied at night. At all events, he acquired an education, but injured his health in the mean time, and somewhat later, with his mother and the younger children, removed to Adair County, Kentucky, where the widow presently married a sweetheart of her girlhood, one Simon Hancock, a good man. In due course, John Clemens was sent to Columbia, the countyseat, to study law. When the living heirs became of age he administered his father's estate, receiving as his own share three negro slaves; also a mahogany sideboard, which remains among the Clemens effects to this day.

Of Mark Twain's immediate ancestors, there's quite a bit to mention. His paternal grandfather, also named Samuel, was a cultured man with a refined taste in literature. In 1797, he married a girl from Virginia, Pamela Goggin, and together they had five children. John Marshall Clemens, born on August 11, 1798, was the eldest and became the male head of the family at just seven years old after his father was accidentally killed during a house-raising event. The family wasn’t poor, but the boy developed a strong work ethic. As a young man, he became a clerk in an iron factory in Lynchburg and likely studied at night. Regardless, he managed to get an education, although it took a toll on his health. Later, he, his mother, and the younger siblings moved to Adair County, Kentucky, where his mother soon married a childhood sweetheart, Simon Hancock, a good man. Eventually, John Clemens was sent to Columbia, the county seat, to study law. When the living heirs reached adulthood, he handled his father's estate and received three enslaved people as his share, along with a mahogany sideboard that is still part of the Clemens family items today.

This was in 1821. John Clemens was now a young man of twenty-three, never very robust, but with a good profession, plenty of resolution, and a heart full of hope and dreams. Sober, industrious, and unswervingly upright, it seemed certain that he must make his mark. That he was likely to be somewhat too optimistic, even visionary, was not then regarded as a misfortune.

This was in 1821. John Clemens was now a young man of twenty-three, never very strong, but with a solid job, plenty of determination, and a heart full of hope and dreams. Responsible, hardworking, and consistently honest, it seemed certain that he would make his mark. The fact that he might be a bit too optimistic, even idealistic, wasn't seen as a drawback at the time.

It was two years later that he met Jane Lampton; whose mother was a Casey—a Montgomery-Casey whose father was of the Lamptons (Lambtons) of Durham, England, and who on her own account was reputed to be the handsomest girl and the wittiest, as well as the best dancer, in all Kentucky. The Montgomeries and the Caseys of Kentucky had been Indian fighters in the Daniel Boone period, and grandmother Casey, who had been Jane Montgomery, had worn moccasins in her girlhood, and once saved her life by jumping a fence and out-running a redskin pursuer. The Montgomery and Casey annals were full of blood-curdling adventures, and there is to-day a Casey County next to Adair, with a Montgomery County somewhat farther east. As for the Lamptons, there is an earldom in the English family, and there were claimants even then in the American branch. All these things were worth while in Kentucky, but it was rare Jane Lampton herself—gay, buoyant, celebrated for her beauty and her grace; able to dance all night, and all day too, for that matter—that won the heart of John Marshall Clemens, swept him off his feet almost at the moment of their meeting. Many of the characteristics that made Mark Twain famous were inherited from his mother. His sense of humor, his prompt, quaintly spoken philosophy, these were distinctly her contribution to his fame. Speaking of her in a later day, he once said:

It was two years later that he met Jane Lampton, whose mother was a Casey—a Montgomery-Casey whose father was from the Lamptons (Lambtons) of Durham, England. Jane was known to be the prettiest and wittiest girl, as well as the best dancer, in all of Kentucky. The Montgomeries and the Caseys had been Indian fighters during the Daniel Boone era, and Jane's grandmother, who was Jane Montgomery, had worn moccasins when she was young and once saved her life by jumping a fence and outrunning a Native American who was chasing her. The stories of the Montgomerys and Caseys were filled with intense adventures, and today there is a Casey County next to Adair, with Montgomery County a bit farther east. As for the Lamptons, there’s an earldom in the English family, and there were already claimants in the American branch at that time. All of this was significant in Kentucky, but it was the exceptional Jane Lampton herself—cheerful, lively, famous for her beauty and grace; able to dance all night and all day too—that captured the heart of John Marshall Clemens, sweeping him off his feet almost instantly. Many of the qualities that made Mark Twain famous came from his mother. His sense of humor and his unique, quickly expressed philosophy were definitely her contributions to his fame. Speaking of her in later years, he once said:

“She had a sort of ability which is rare in man and hardly existent in woman—the ability to say a humorous thing with the perfect air of not knowing it to be humorous.”

“She had a kind of ability that's rare in men and almost nonexistent in women—the knack for making a funny comment while completely acting like she didn't even realize it was funny.”

She bequeathed him this, without doubt; also her delicate complexion; her wonderful wealth of hair; her small, shapely hands and feet, and the pleasant drawling speech which gave her wit, and his, a serene and perfect setting.

She left him this, without a doubt; also her soft complexion; her amazing hair; her small, well-shaped hands and feet, and the smooth, easy way of speaking that gave her wit, and his, a calm and perfect backdrop.

It was a one-sided love affair, the brief courtship of Jane Lampton and John Marshall Clemens. All her life, Jane Clemens honored her husband, and while he lived served him loyally; but the choice of her heart had been a young physician of Lexington with whom she had quarreled, and her prompt engagement with John Clemens was a matter of temper rather than tenderness. She stipulated that the wedding take place at once, and on May 6, 1823, they were married. She was then twenty; her husband twenty-five. More than sixty years later, when John Clemens had long been dead, she took a railway journey to a city where there was an Old Settlers' Convention, because among the names of those attending she had noticed the name of the lover of her youth. She meant to humble herself to him and ask forgiveness after all the years. She arrived too late; the convention was over, and he was gone. Mark Twain once spoke of this, and added:

It was a one-sided love affair, the brief courtship of Jane Lampton and John Marshall Clemens. Throughout her life, Jane Clemens respected her husband, and while he was alive, she served him loyally; but the one she truly loved had been a young doctor from Lexington, with whom she'd had an argument, and her quick engagement to John Clemens was more about anger than affection. She insisted that the wedding happen immediately, and on May 6, 1823, they got married. She was twenty; her husband was twenty-five. More than sixty years later, after John Clemens had been dead for a long time, she took a train to a city hosting an Old Settlers' Convention because she saw the name of her youthful lover among the attendees. She planned to humble herself and ask for forgiveness after all those years. Unfortunately, she arrived too late; the convention had ended, and he was gone. Mark Twain once spoke of this and added:

“It is as pathetic a romance as any that has crossed the field of my personal experience in a long lifetime.”

“It’s as sad a romance as any I’ve encountered in my entire life.”





II. THE FORTUNES OF JOHN AND JANE CLEMENS

With all his ability and industry, and with the-best of intentions, John Clemens would seem to have had an unerring faculty for making business mistakes. It was his optimistic outlook, no doubt—his absolute confidence in the prosperity that lay just ahead—which led him from one unfortunate locality or enterprise to another, as long as he lived. About a year after his marriage he settled with his young wife in Gainsborough, Tennessee, a mountain town on the Cumberland River, and here, in 1825, their first child, a boy, was born. They named him Orion—after the constellation, perhaps—though they changed the accent to the first syllable, calling it Orion. Gainsborough was a small place with few enough law cases; but it could hardly have been as small, or furnished as few cases; as the next one selected, which was Jamestown, Fentress County, still farther toward the Eastward Mountains. Yet Jamestown had the advantage of being brand new, and in the eye of his fancy John Clemens doubtless saw it the future metropolis of east Tennessee, with himself its foremost jurist and citizen. He took an immediate and active interest in the development of the place, established the county-seat there, built the first Court House, and was promptly elected as circuit clerk of the court.

With all his skills and hard work, and with the best intentions, John Clemens seemed to have an uncanny ability to make business mistakes. It was probably his optimistic outlook—his total belief in the success that was just around the corner—that led him from one unfortunate situation or venture to another throughout his life. About a year after getting married, he and his young wife settled in Gainsborough, Tennessee, a mountain town along the Cumberland River, where, in 1825, their first child, a boy, was born. They named him Orion—possibly after the constellation—though they changed the emphasis to the first syllable, calling him Orion. Gainsborough was a small place with very few legal cases; however, it was hardly as small or lacking in cases as the next location he chose, which was Jamestown, Fentress County, even further toward the Eastern Mountains. Nonetheless, Jamestown had the advantage of being newly established, and in John Clemens's imagination, he likely envisioned it as the future metropolis of East Tennessee, with himself as its top lawyer and leading citizen. He quickly became actively involved in the place’s development, established the county seat there, built the first courthouse, and was soon elected as the circuit clerk of the court.

It was then that he decided to lay the foundation of a fortune for himself and his children by acquiring Fentress County land. Grants could be obtained in those days at the expense of less than a cent an acre, and John Clemens believed that the years lay not far distant when the land would increase in value ten thousand, twenty, perhaps even a hundred thousandfold. There was no wrong estimate in that. Land covered with the finest primeval timber, and filled with precious minerals, could hardly fail to become worth millions, even though his entire purchase of 75,000 acres probably did not cost him more than $500. The great tract lay about twenty nines to the southward of Jamestown. Standing in the door of the Court House he had built, looking out over the “Knob” of the Cumberland Mountains toward his vast possessions, he said:

It was then that he decided to start building a fortune for himself and his children by acquiring land in Fentress County. Back then, grants could be obtained for less than a cent an acre, and John Clemens believed that it wouldn’t be long before the land would skyrocket in value—ten thousand, twenty, maybe even a hundred thousand times. There was nothing wrong with that estimate. Land covered in rich, ancient timber and filled with valuable minerals was bound to be worth millions, even though his total purchase of 75,000 acres likely cost him no more than $500. The huge tract was located about twenty miles south of Jamestown. Standing at the door of the courthouse he had built, looking out over the “Knob” of the Cumberland Mountains towards his vast holdings, he said:

“Whatever befalls me now, my heirs are secure. I may not live to see these acres turn into silver and gold, but my children will.”

“Whatever happens to me now, my kids are set for life. I might not be around to see these lands transformed into wealth, but my children will.”

Such was the creation of that mirage of wealth, the “Tennessee land,” which all his days and for long afterward would lie just ahead—a golden vision, its name the single watchword of the family fortunes—the dream fading with years, only materializing at last as a theme in a story of phantom riches, The Gilded Age.

Such was the creation of that illusion of wealth, the “Tennessee land,” which for all his life and for a long time after would remain just out of reach—a golden vision, its name the only motto of the family fortunes—the dream fading over the years, only coming to life in the end as a theme in a tale of imaginary riches, The Gilded Age.

Yet for once John Clemens saw clearly, and if his dream did not come true he was in no wise to blame. The land is priceless now, and a corporation of the Clemens heirs is to-day contesting the title of a thin fragment of it—about one thousand acres—overlooked in some survey.

Yet for once John Clemens saw clearly, and if his dream didn't come true, he had no reason to blame himself. The land is incredibly valuable now, and a company made up of the Clemens heirs is currently disputing the title of a small portion of it—about one thousand acres—that was overlooked in some survey.

Believing the future provided for, Clemens turned his attention to present needs. He built himself a house, unusual in its style and elegance. It had two windows in each room, and its walls were covered with plastering, something which no one in Jamestown had ever seen before. He was regarded as an aristocrat. He wore a swallow-tail coat of fine blue jeans, instead of the coarse brown native-made cloth. The blue-jeans coat was ornamented with brass buttons and cost one dollar and twenty-five cents a yard, a high price for that locality and time. His wife wore a calico dress for company, while the neighbor wives wore homespun linsey-woolsey. The new house was referred to as the Crystal Palace. When John and Jane Clemens attended balls—there were continuous balls during the holidays—they were considered the most graceful dancers.

Believing the future was taken care of, Clemens focused on what he needed right now. He built a house that was unique in its style and elegance. Each room had two windows, and the walls were covered with plaster, something no one in Jamestown had ever seen before. He was seen as an aristocrat. He wore a swallow-tail coat made of fine blue denim instead of the coarse brown fabric made locally. The blue denim coat was adorned with brass buttons and cost one dollar and twenty-five cents a yard, which was expensive for that area at that time. His wife wore a calico dress for social events, while the neighbor wives wore homespun linsey-woolsey. The new house was called the Crystal Palace. When John and Jane Clemens attended balls—there were constant balls during the holidays—they were regarded as the most graceful dancers.

Jamestown did not become the metropolis he had dreamed. It attained almost immediately to a growth of twenty-five houses—mainly log houses—and stopped there. The country, too, was sparsely settled; law practice was slender and unprofitable, the circuit-riding from court to court was very bad for one of his physique. John Clemens saw his reserve of health and funds dwindling, and decided to embark in merchandise. He built himself a store and put in a small country stock of goods. These he exchanged for ginseng, chestnuts, lampblack, turpentine, rosin, and other produce of the country, which he took to Louisville every spring and fall in six-horse wagons. In the mean time he would seem to have sold one or more of his slaves, doubtless to provide capital. There was a second baby now—a little girl, Pamela,—born in September, 1827. Three years later, May 1830, another little girl, Margaret, came. By this time the store and home were in one building, the store occupying one room, the household requiring two—clearly the family fortunes were declining.

Jamestown didn't become the thriving city he had envisioned. It quickly reached a total of twenty-five buildings—mostly log cabins—and stopped growing there. The area was also sparsely populated; legal work was minimal and not profitable, and traveling from court to court was tough for someone with his health. John Clemens noticed his health and finances declining, so he decided to get into retail. He built a store and stocked it with a small selection of goods. He traded these for ginseng, chestnuts, lampblack, turpentine, rosin, and other local products, which he took to Louisville every spring and fall using six-horse wagons. In the meantime, it seems he sold one or more of his slaves, likely to raise some money. There was now a second baby—a little girl named Pamela—born in September 1827. Three years later, in May 1830, another girl, Margaret, arrived. By then, the store and home were in the same building, with the store taking up one room and the household using two—indicating that the family's fortunes were declining.

About a year after little Margaret was born, John Clemens gave up Jamestown and moved his family and stock of goods to a point nine miles distant, known as the Three Forks of Wolf. The Tennessee land was safe, of course, and would be worth millions some day, but in the mean time the struggle for daily substance was becoming hard.

About a year after little Margaret was born, John Clemens decided to leave Jamestown and moved his family and belongings to a place nine miles away, known as the Three Forks of Wolf. The land in Tennessee was safe, of course, and would be worth millions someday, but in the meantime, the struggle for daily survival was becoming increasingly difficult.

He could not have remained at the Three Forks long, for in 1832 we find him at still another place, on the right bank of Wolf River, where a post-office called Pall Mall was established, with John Clemens as postmaster, usually addressed as “Squire” or “Judge.” A store was run in connection with the postoffice. At Pall Mall, in June, 1832, another boy, Benjamin, was born.

He couldn't have stayed at the Three Forks for long because, in 1832, we find him at another location on the right bank of Wolf River, where a post office called Pall Mall was set up, with John Clemens as the postmaster, usually referred to as "Squire" or "Judge." A store operated alongside the post office. At Pall Mall, in June 1832, another boy, Benjamin, was born.

The family at this time occupied a log house built by John Clemens himself, the store being kept in another log house on the opposite bank of the river. He no longer practised law. In The Gilded Age we have Mark Twain's picture of Squire Hawkins and Obedstown, written from descriptions supplied in later years by his mother and his brother Orion; and, while not exact in detail, it is not regarded as an exaggerated presentation of east Tennessee conditions at that time. The chapter is too long and too depressing to be set down here. The reader may look it up for himself, if he chooses. If he does he will not wonder that Jane Clemens's handsome features had become somewhat sharper, and her manner a shade graver, with the years and burdens of marriage, or that John Clemens at thirty-six-out of health, out of tune with his environment—was rapidly getting out of heart. After all the bright promise of the beginning, things had somehow gone wrong, and hope seemed dwindling away.

The family at that time lived in a log house built by John Clemens himself, with the store located in another log house on the opposite bank of the river. He no longer practiced law. In The Gilded Age, we see Mark Twain's portrayal of Squire Hawkins and Obedstown, based on descriptions later provided by his mother and his brother Orion. While it may not be exact in detail, it isn’t considered an exaggerated representation of East Tennessee conditions at that time. The chapter is too long and too depressing to include here. Readers can look it up themselves if they want. If they do, they won’t be surprised that Jane Clemens's attractive features had become a bit sharper and her demeanor slightly more serious with the years and the burdens of marriage, or that John Clemens, at thirty-six—unwell and out of sync with his surroundings—was quickly losing heart. After all the bright promise at the start, things had somehow gone wrong, and hope seemed to be fading away.

A tall man, he had become thin and unusually pale; he looked older than his years. Every spring he was prostrated with what was called “sunpain,” an acute form of headache, nerve-racking and destroying to all persistent effort. Yet he did not retreat from his moral and intellectual standards, or lose the respect of that shiftless community. He was never intimidated by the rougher element, and his eyes were of a kind that would disconcert nine men out of ten. Gray and deep-set under bushy brows, they literally looked you through. Absolutely fearless, he permitted none to trample on his rights. It is told of John Clemens, at Jamestown, that once when he had lost a cow he handed the minister on Sunday morning a notice of the loss to be read from the pulpit, according to the custom of that community. For some reason, the minister put the document aside and neglected it. At the close of the service Clemens rose and, going to the pulpit, read his announcement himself to the congregation. Those who knew Mark Twain best will not fail to recall in him certain of his father's legacies.

A tall man, he had become thin and unusually pale; he looked older than his age. Every spring he was struck down by what was called “sunpain,” an intense form of headache that was frustrating and debilitating to all ongoing efforts. Still, he didn’t waver from his moral and intellectual standards or lose the respect of that aimless community. He was never intimidated by the rougher crowd, and his eyes had a way of unsettling nine out of ten people. Gray and deeply set under bushy brows, they seemed to see right through you. Absolutely fearless, he wouldn’t let anyone walk all over his rights. It’s said that John Clemens, in Jamestown, once lost a cow and handed the minister a notice of the loss on Sunday morning to be read from the pulpit, as was customary in that community. For some reason, the minister set the document aside and ignored it. At the end of the service, Clemens stood up and, going to the pulpit, read his announcement himself to the congregation. Those who knew Mark Twain best will surely remember certain traits he inherited from his father.

The arrival of a letter from “Colonel Sellers” inviting the Hawkins family to come to Missouri is told in The Gilded Age. In reality the letter was from John Quarles, who had married Jane Clemens's sister, Patsey Lampton, and settled in Florida, Monroe County, Missouri. It was a momentous letter in The Gilded Age, and no less so in reality, for it shifted the entire scene of the Clemens family fortunes, and it had to do with the birthplace and the shaping of the career of one whose memory is likely to last as long as American history.

The arrival of a letter from “Colonel Sellers” inviting the Hawkins family to come to Missouri is told in The Gilded Age. In reality, the letter was from John Quarles, who had married Jane Clemens's sister, Patsey Lampton, and settled in Florida, Monroe County, Missouri. It was a significant letter in The Gilded Age, and just as important in reality, as it changed the entire landscape of the Clemens family's fortunes, and it was connected to the birthplace and the development of the career of someone whose memory is likely to endure as long as American history.





III. A HUMBLE BIRTHPLACE

Florida, Missouri, was a small village in the early thirties—smaller than it is now, perhaps, though in that day it had more promise, even if less celebrity. The West was unassembled then, undigested, comparatively unknown. Two States, Louisiana and Missouri, with less than half a million white persons, were all that lay beyond the great river. St. Louis, with its boasted ten thousand inhabitants and its river trade with the South, was the single metropolis in all that vast uncharted region. There was no telegraph; there were no railroads, no stage lines of any consequence—scarcely any maps. For all that one could see or guess, one place was as promising as another, especially a settlement like Florida, located at the forks of a pretty stream, Salt River, which those early settlers believed might one day become navigable and carry the merchandise of that region down to the mighty Mississippi, thence to the world outside.

Florida, Missouri, was a small village in the early thirties—smaller than it is now, maybe, but back then it had more potential, even if it wasn't as famous. The West was still being formed, relatively unknown. Two states, Louisiana and Missouri, with fewer than half a million white residents, were all that existed beyond the great river. St. Louis, boasting ten thousand people and its river trade with the South, was the only major city in that vast uncharted area. There were no telegraphs, no railroads, and hardly any significant stage lines or maps. For all anyone could see or guess, one place seemed as promising as another, especially a settlement like Florida, located at the forks of a beautiful stream, Salt River, which those early settlers thought might someday be navigable and transport goods from that region down to the mighty Mississippi, and then out into the wider world.

In those days came John A. Quarles, of Kentucky, with his wife, who had been Patsey Ann Lampton; also, later, Benjamin Lampton, her father, and others of the Lampton race. It was natural that they should want Jane Clemens and her husband to give up that disheartening east Tennessee venture and join them in this new and promising land. It was natural, too, for John Quarles—happy-hearted, generous, and optimistic—to write the letter. There were only twenty-one houses in Florida, but Quarles counted stables, out-buildings—everything with a roof on it—and set down the number at fifty-four.

In those days, John A. Quarles from Kentucky arrived with his wife, who had been Patsey Ann Lampton; later, her father, Benjamin Lampton, and other members of the Lampton family joined them. It made sense that they would want Jane Clemens and her husband to leave their discouraging venture in east Tennessee and come to this new and promising land. It was also understandable for John Quarles—who was cheerful, generous, and optimistic—to write the letter. There were only twenty-one houses in Florida, but Quarles counted stables, outbuildings—everything with a roof on it—and claimed there were fifty-four.

Florida, with its iridescent promise and negligible future, was just the kind of a place that John Clemens with unerring instinct would be certain to select, and the Quarles letter could have but one answer. Yet there would be the longing for companionship, too, and Jane Clemens must have hungered for her people. In The Gilded Age, the Sellers letter ends:

Florida, with its shimmering promise and uncertain future, was exactly the kind of place that John Clemens would instinctively choose, and the Quarles letter could only have one response. Still, there would be a desire for companionship, and Jane Clemens must have longed for her family. In The Gilded Age, the Sellers letter ends:

“Come!—rush!—hurry!—don't wait for anything!”

"Come on! Hurry up! Go!"

The Clemens family began immediately its preparation for getting away. The store was sold, and the farm; the last two wagon-loads of produce were sent to Louisville; and with the aid of the money realized, a few hundred dollars, John Clemens and his family “flitted out into the great mysterious blank that lay beyond the Knobs of Tennessee.” They had a two-horse barouche, which would seem to have been preserved out of their earlier fortunes. The barouche held the parents and the three younger children, Pamela, Margaret, anal the little boy, Benjamin. There were also two extra horses, which Orion, now ten, and Jennie, the house-girl, a slave, rode. This was early in the spring of 1835.

The Clemens family quickly got ready to leave. They sold the store and the farm; they sent the last two wagon-loads of produce to Louisville, and with the money they made—just a few hundred dollars—John Clemens and his family “set out into the great mysterious unknown that lay beyond the Knobs of Tennessee.” They had a two-horse carriage, which seemed to have been saved from their earlier good times. The carriage carried the parents and their three younger kids, Pamela, Margaret, and the little boy, Benjamin. Orion, now ten, and Jennie, the house girl, who was a slave, rode on two extra horses. This was early in the spring of 1835.

They traveled by the way of their old home at Columbia, and paid a visit to relatives. At Louisville they embarked on a steamer bound for St. Louis; thence overland once more through wilderness and solitude into what was then the Far West, the promised land.

They traveled past their old home in Columbia and visited relatives. In Louisville, they got on a steamboat heading to St. Louis; from there, they journeyed overland once again through the wilderness and solitude into what was then the Far West, the promised land.

They arrived one evening, and if Florida was not quite all in appearance that John Clemens had dreamed, it was at least a haven—with John Quarles, jovial, hospitable, and full of plans. The great Mississippi was less than fifty miles away. Salt River, with a system of locks and dams, would certainly become navigable to the Forks, with Florida as its head of navigation. It was a Sellers fancy, though perhaps it should be said here that John Quarles was not the chief original of that lovely character in The Gilded Age. That was another relative—James Lampton, a cousin—quite as lovable, and a builder of even more insubstantial dreams.

They arrived one evening, and while Florida wasn't exactly what John Clemens had imagined, it was still a welcoming place—thanks to John Quarles, who was friendly, hospitable, and full of ideas. The great Mississippi River was less than fifty miles away. Salt River, with its system of locks and dams, would definitely be navigable to the Forks, with Florida as its main point of navigation. This was a hopeful idea from Sellers, although it should be noted that John Quarles wasn't the main inspiration for that charming character in The Gilded Age. That credit goes to another relative—James Lampton, a cousin—who was just as lovable and a creator of even more unrealistic dreams.

John Quarles was already established in merchandise in Florida, and was prospering in a small way. He had also acquired a good farm, which he worked with thirty slaves, and was probably the rich man and leading citizen of the community. He offered John Clemens a partnership in his store, and agreed to aid him in the selection of some land. Furthermore, he encouraged him to renew his practice of the law. Thus far, at least, the Florida venture was not a mistake, for, whatever came, matters could not be worse than they had been in Tennessee.

John Quarles was already established in business in Florida and was doing fairly well. He had also acquired a nice farm that he managed with thirty slaves, making him likely the wealthiest man and a leading figure in the community. He offered John Clemens a partnership in his store and agreed to help him choose some land. Additionally, he encouraged him to restart his law practice. So far, at least, the Florida venture hadn't been a mistake, because whatever happened, things couldn't be worse than they were in Tennessee.

In a small frame building near the center of the village, John and Jane Clemens established their household. It was a humble one-story affair, with two main rooms and a lean-to kitchen, though comfortable enough for its size, and comparatively new. It is still standing and occupied when these lines are written, and it should be preserved and guarded as a shrine for the American people; for it was here that the foremost American-born author—the man most characteristically American in every thought and word and action of his life—drew his first fluttering breath, caught blinkingly the light of a world that in the years to come would rise up and in its wide realm of letters hail him as a king.

In a small frame building near the center of the village, John and Jane Clemens started their family. It was a modest one-story place, with two main rooms and a lean-to kitchen, but cozy enough for its size and relatively new. It still stands and is occupied as these words are being written, and it should be preserved as a memorial for the American people; for it was here that the greatest American-born author—the person who embodied the essence of America in every thought, word, and action of his life—took his first breath, blinked awake to the light of a world that would one day recognize him as a legend in the literary realm.

It was on a bleak day, November 30, 1835, that he entered feebly the domain he was to conquer. Long, afterward, one of those who knew him best said:

It was on a dreary day, November 30, 1835, that he weakly stepped into the territory he was destined to conquer. Much later, one of those who knew him best said:

“He always seemed to me like some great being from another planet—never quite of this race or kind.”

“He always felt like some amazing being from another planet—never really belonging to this race or kind.”

He may have been, for a great comet was in the sky that year, and it would return no more until the day when he should be borne back into the far spaces of silence and undiscovered suns. But nobody thought of this, then.

He might have been, because a huge comet was in the sky that year, and it wouldn’t come back until the day he was sent back into the distant realms of silence and unknown suns. But nobody was thinking about that at the time.

He was a seven-months child, and there was no fanfare of welcome at his coming. Perhaps it was even suggested that, in a house so small and so sufficiently filled, there was no real need of his coming at all. One Polly Ann Buchanan, who is said to have put the first garment of any sort on him, lived to boast of the fact,—[This honor has been claimed also for Mrs. Millie Upton and a Mrs. Damrell. Probably all were present and assisted.]—but she had no particular pride in that matter then. It was only a puny baby with a wavering promise of life. Still, John Clemens must have regarded with favor this first gift of fortune in a new land, for he named the little boy Samuel, after his father, and added the name of an old and dear Virginia friend, Langhorne. The family fortunes would seem to have been improving at this time, and he may have regarded the arrival of another son as a good omen.

He was a seven-month-old baby, and there was no big celebration when he arrived. It might have even been suggested that in a house that small and already crowded, there wasn't really a need for him to come at all. One Polly Ann Buchanan, who is said to have been the first to put clothes on him, lived to brag about it—[This honor has also been claimed by Mrs. Millie Upton and a Mrs. Damrell. They probably were all present and helped.]—but she didn't take much pride in it at the time. He was just a frail baby with uncertain chances of life. Still, John Clemens must have seen this first gift of fate in a new land positively, as he named the little boy Samuel after himself and added the name of an old and dear friend from Virginia, Langhorne. The family's situation seemed to be getting better at that time, and he may have seen the arrival of another son as a good sign.

With a family of eight, now, including Jennie, the slavegirl, more room was badly needed, and he began building without delay. The result was not a mansion, by any means, being still of the one-story pattern, but it was more commodious than the tiny two-room affair. The rooms were larger, and there was at least one ell, or extension, for kitchen and dining-room uses. This house, completed in 1836, occupied by the Clemens family during the remainder of the years spent in Florida, was often in later days pointed out as Mark Twain's birthplace. It missed that distinction by a few months, though its honor was sufficient in having sheltered his early childhood.—[This house is no longer standing. When it was torn down several years ago, portions of it were carried off and manufactured into souvenirs. Mark Twain himself disclaimed it as his birthplace, and once wrote on a photograph of it: “No, it is too stylish, it is not my birthplace.”]

With a family of eight now, including Jennie, the slave girl, more space was urgently needed, so he started building right away. The result wasn't a mansion by any means; it was still a one-story structure, but it was more spacious than the small two-room place. The rooms were bigger, and there was at least one extension for kitchen and dining room purposes. This house, finished in 1836 and occupied by the Clemens family for the rest of their time in Florida, was often pointed out later as Mark Twain's birthplace. However, it just missed that title by a few months, though it was significant enough for having housed his early childhood.—[This house no longer exists. When it was demolished several years ago, parts of it were taken and turned into souvenirs. Mark Twain himself denied it as his birthplace, and once wrote on a photograph of it: “No, it is too stylish, it is not my birthplace.”]





IV. BEGINNING A LONG JOURNEY

It was not a robust childhood. The new baby managed to go through the winter—a matter of comment among the family and neighbors. Added strength came, but slowly; “Little Sam,” as they called him, was always delicate during those early years.

It wasn't a strong childhood. The new baby got through the winter—a topic of discussion among the family and neighbors. He gained strength, but gradually; “Little Sam,” as they called him, was always fragile during those early years.

It was a curious childhood, full of weird, fantastic impressions and contradictory influences, stimulating alike to the imagination and that embryo philosophy of life which begins almost with infancy. John Clemens seldom devoted any time to the company of his children. He looked after their comfort and mental development as well as he could, and gave advice on occasion. He bought a book now and then—sometimes a picture-book—and subscribed for Peter Parley's Magazine, a marvel of delight to the older children, but he did not join in their amusements, and he rarely, or never, laughed. Mark Twain did not remember ever having seen or heard his father laugh. The problem of supplying food was a somber one to John Clemens; also, he was working on a perpetual-motion machine at this period, which absorbed his spare time, and, to the inventor at least, was not a mirthful occupation. Jane Clemens was busy, too. Her sense of humor did not die, but with added cares and years her temper as well as her features became sharper, and it was just as well to be fairly out of range when she was busy with her employments.

It was a strange childhood, filled with unusual and fantastic experiences and mixed influences, sparking both imagination and a budding philosophy of life that starts almost from infancy. John Clemens rarely spent time with his children. He took care of their comfort and mental growth as best as he could and occasionally offered advice. He bought a book now and then—sometimes a picture book—and subscribed to Peter Parley's Magazine, which delighted the older kids, but he didn’t participate in their fun and hardly ever laughed. Mark Twain couldn’t recall ever seeing or hearing his father laugh. Providing food was a serious issue for John Clemens; he was also focused on a perpetual-motion machine during this time, which took up his spare time and, for the inventor at least, was not a cheerful endeavor. Jane Clemens was busy too. Her sense of humor didn’t fade, but with more responsibilities and aging, her temperament and looks became sharper, and it was best to stay out of the way when she was caught up in her tasks.

Little Sam's companions were his brothers and sisters, all older than himself: Orion, ten years his senior, followed by Pamela and Margaret at intervals of two and three years, then by Benjamin, a kindly little lad whose gentle life was chiefly devoted to looking after the baby brother, three years his junior. But in addition to these associations, there were the still more potent influences Of that day and section, the intimate, enveloping institution of slavery, the daily companionship of the slaves. All the children of that time were fond of the negroes and confided in them. They would, in fact, have been lost without such protection and company.

Little Sam's companions were his older brothers and sisters: Orion, who was ten years older, followed by Pamela and Margaret, two and three years older, respectively, and then there was Benjamin, a sweet little guy whose gentle nature was mostly focused on taking care of his baby brother, who was three years younger. But beyond these family relationships, there were even stronger influences from that time and place, especially the pervasive institution of slavery and the daily interactions with the enslaved people. All the kids back then were fond of the Black community and trusted them. In fact, they would have felt lost without their protection and companionship.

It was Jennie, the house-girl, and Uncle Ned, a man of all work—apparently acquired with the improved prospects—who were in real charge of the children and supplied them with entertainment. Wonderful entertainment it was. That was a time of visions and dreams, small. gossip and superstitions. Old tales were repeated over and over, with adornments and improvements suggested by immediate events. At evening the Clemens children, big and little, gathered about the great open fireplace while Jennie and Uncle Ned told tales and hair-lifting legends. Even a baby of two or three years could follow the drift of this primitive telling and would shiver and cling close with the horror and delight of its curdling thrill. The tales always began with “Once 'pon a time,” and one of them was the story of the “Golden Arm” which the smallest listener would one day repeat more elaborately to wider audiences in many lands. Briefly it ran as follows:

It was Jennie, the housekeeper, and Uncle Ned, a handyman—clearly brought in with the better prospects—who truly took care of the children and entertained them. Their entertainment was something special. It was a time filled with visions and dreams, little gossip, and superstitions. Old stories were told repeatedly, embellished and updated with recent happenings. In the evenings, the Clemens kids, both big and small, gathered around the large open fireplace while Jennie and Uncle Ned shared stories and spine-chilling legends. Even a toddler of two or three could grasp the essence of these simple tales and would shiver and cling close, caught up in the thrill of horror and delight. The stories always started with “Once upon a time,” and one of them was the tale of the “Golden Arm,” which the youngest listener would someday share in greater detail with larger audiences in many places. Simply put, it went like this:

“Once 'Pon a time there was a man, and he had a wife, and she had a' arm of pure gold; and she died, and they buried her in the graveyard; and one night her husband went and dug her up and cut off her golden arm and tuck it home; and one night a ghost all in white come to him; and she was his wife; and she says:

“Once upon a time, there was a man, and he had a wife, who had an arm made of pure gold. She died, and they buried her in the graveyard. One night, her husband went, dug her up, and cut off her golden arm to take home. Then, one night, a ghost dressed in white came to him; she was his wife, and she said:

“W-h-a-r-r's my golden arm? W-h-a-r-r's my golden arm? W-h-a-r-r's my g-o-l-den arm?”

“Where's my golden arm? Where's my golden arm? Where's my golden arm?”

As Uncle Ned repeated these blood-curdling questions he would look first one and then another of his listeners in the eyes, with his bands drawn up in front of his breast, his fingers turned out and crooked like claws, while he bent with each question closer to the shrinking forms before him. The tone was sepulchral, with awful pause as if waiting each time for a reply. The culmination came with a pounce on one of the group, a shake of the shoulders, and a shout of:

As Uncle Ned repeated these chilling questions, he would fix his gaze on each of his listeners in turn, with his hands clasped in front of his chest, his fingers twisted out like claws, leaning in closer with each question to the shrinking figures before him. His tone was eerie, with a heavy pause as if he were waiting for a response each time. The climax hit when he lunged at one of the group, shaking their shoulders and shouting:

“YOU'VE got it!' and she tore him all to pieces!”

"YOU'VE got it!" and she completely tore him apart!"

And the children would shout “Lordy!” and look furtively over their shoulders, fearing to see a woman in white against the black wall; but, instead, only gloomy, shapeless shadows darted across it as the flickering flames in the fireplace went out on one brand and flared up on another. Then there was a story of a great ball of fire that used to follow lonely travelers along dark roads through the woods.

And the kids would yell "Wow!" and glance anxiously over their shoulders, afraid they might spot a woman in white against the dark wall; but instead, only gloomy, shapeless shadows raced across it as the flickering flames in the fireplace dimmed on one log and flared up on another. Then there was a tale about a big ball of fire that used to follow lonely travelers down dark roads through the woods.

“Once 'pon a time there was a man, and he was riding along de road and he come to a ha'nted house, and he heard de chains'a-rattlin' and a-rattlin' and a-rattlin', and a ball of fire come rollin' up and got under his stirrup, and it didn't make no difference if his horse galloped or went slow or stood still, de ball of fire staid under his stirrup till he got plum to de front do', and his wife come out and say: 'My Gord, dat's devil fire!' and she had to work a witch spell to drive it away.”

Once upon a time, there was a man riding down the road when he came across a haunted house. He heard chains rattling and rattling and rattling, and then a ball of fire rolled up and got under his stirrup. It didn’t matter if his horse galloped, went slow, or stood still; the ball of fire stayed under his stirrup until he reached the front door. His wife came out and said, “My God, that’s devil fire!” She had to perform a witch spell to drive it away.

“How big was it, Uncle Ned?”

“How big was it, Uncle Ned?”

“Oh, 'bout as big as your head, and I 'spect it's likely to come down dis yere chimney 'most any time.”

“Oh, about as big as your head, and I expect it could come down this chimney any time now.”

Certainly an atmosphere like this meant a tropic development for the imagination of a delicate child. All the games and daily talk concerned fanciful semi-African conditions and strange primal possibilities. The children of that day believed in spells and charms and bad-luck signs, all learned of their negro guardians.

Certainly, an atmosphere like this sparked a wild imagination in a sensitive child. All the games and daily conversations revolved around fanciful semi-African scenarios and strange primal possibilities. The children of that time believed in spells and charms and bad-luck signs, all learned from their Black caretakers.

But if the negroes were the chief companions and protectors of the children, they were likewise one of their discomforts. The greatest real dread children knew was the fear of meeting runaway slaves. A runaway slave was regarded as worse than a wild beast, and treated worse when caught. Once the children saw one brought into Florida by six men who took him to an empty cabin, where they threw him on the floor and bound him with ropes. His groans were loud and frequent. Such things made an impression that would last a lifetime.

But if the Black people were the main companions and protectors of the kids, they were also a source of their discomfort. The biggest genuine fear children had was the worry of encountering runaway slaves. A runaway slave was seen as worse than a wild animal and was treated even more harshly when caught. Once, the kids saw one brought into Florida by six men who took him to an empty cabin, where they threw him on the floor and tied him up with ropes. His groans were loud and frequent. Experiences like that left a mark that would last a lifetime.

Slave punishment, too, was not unknown, even in the household. Jennie especially was often saucy and obstreperous. Jane Clemens, with more strength of character than of body, once undertook to punish her for insolence, whereupon Jennie snatched the whip from her hand. John Clemens was sent for in haste. He came at once, tied Jennie's wrists together with a bridle rein, and administered chastisement across the shoulders with a cowhide. These were things all calculated to impress a sensitive child.

Slave punishment was also present, even within the household. Jennie, in particular, was often sassy and unruly. Jane Clemens, who had more willpower than physical strength, decided to discipline her for her disrespect, but Jennie grabbed the whip from her hand. John Clemens was quickly summoned. He arrived immediately, bound Jennie's wrists together with a bridle rein, and punished her on the shoulders with a cowhide. These actions were intended to leave a lasting impression on a sensitive child.

In pleasant weather the children roamed over the country, hunting berries and nuts, drinking sugar-water, tying knots in love-vine, picking the petals from daisies to the formula “Love me-love me not,” always accompanied by one or more, sometimes by half a dozen, of their small darky followers. Shoes were taken off the first of April. For a time a pair of old woolen stockings were worn, but these soon disappeared, leaving the feet bare for the summer. One of their dreads was the possibility of sticking a rusty nail into the foot, as this was liable to cause lockjaw, a malady regarded with awe and terror. They knew what lockjaw was—Uncle John Quarles's black man, Dan, was subject to it. Sometimes when he opened his mouth to its utmost capacity he felt the joints slip and was compelled to put down the cornbread, or jole and greens, or the piece of 'possum he was eating, while his mouth remained a fixed abyss until the doctor came and restored it to a natural position by an exertion of muscular power that would have well-nigh lifted an ox.

In nice weather, the kids roamed the countryside, foraging for berries and nuts, drinking sugar-water, tying knots in love-vine, and picking the petals from daisies while chanting “Love me-love me not,” usually accompanied by one or more of their small dark-skinned friends, sometimes even half a dozen. They took off their shoes on the first of April. For a while, they wore a pair of old woolen stockings, but those quickly vanished, leaving their feet bare for the summer. One of their biggest fears was stepping on a rusty nail, as that could lead to lockjaw, an illness they viewed with dread. They knew what lockjaw was—Uncle John Quarles's black man, Dan, suffered from it. Sometimes, when he opened his mouth wide, he felt the joints slip and had to put down his cornbread, or jole and greens, or the piece of 'possum he was eating, while his mouth remained stuck open until the doctor arrived and forced it back into place with a strength that could almost lift an ox.

Uncle John Quarles, his home, his farm, his slaves, all were sources of never-ending delight. Perhaps the farm was just an ordinary Missouri farm and the slaves just average negroes, but to those children these things were never apparent. There was a halo about anything that belonged to Uncle John Quarles, and that halo was the jovial, hilarious kindness of that gentle-hearted, humane man. To visit at his house was for a child to be in a heaven of mirth and pranks continually. When the children came for eggs he would say:

Uncle John Quarles, his home, his farm, and his slaves were all sources of endless joy. The farm might have been just a typical Missouri farm and the slaves just ordinary people, but to those kids, that was never obvious. There was something special about anything that belonged to Uncle John Quarles, and that special quality was the cheerful, playful kindness of that warm-hearted, compassionate man. Visiting his house was like being in a paradise of laughter and fun for a child. When the kids came for eggs, he would say:

“Your hens won't lay, eh? Tell your maw to feed 'em parched corn and drive 'em uphill,” and this was always a splendid stroke of humor to his small hearers.

“Your hens aren’t laying, huh? Tell your mom to feed them parched corn and take them uphill,” and this was always a brilliant joke to his young listeners.

Also, he knew how to mimic with his empty hands the peculiar patting and tossing of a pone of corn-bread before placing it in the oven. He would make the most fearful threats to his own children, for disobedience, but never executed any of them. When they were out fishing and returned late he would say:

Also, he knew how to mimic with his empty hands the specific patting and tossing of a piece of corn-bread before putting it in the oven. He would make the most serious threats to his own kids for disobedience, but he never actually followed through on any of them. When they were out fishing and came back late he would say:

“You—if I have to hunt you again after dark, I will make you smell like a burnt horn!”

“You—if I have to find you again after dark, I will make you smell like burnt horn!”

Nothing could exceed the ferocity of this threat, and all the children, with delightful terror and curiosity, wondered what would happen—if it ever did happen—that would result in giving a child that peculiar savor. Altogether it was a curious early childhood that Little Sam had—at least it seems so to us now. Doubtless it was commonplace enough for that time and locality.

Nothing could match the intensity of this threat, and all the kids, filled with a mix of excitement and fear, wondered what would happen—if it ever did happen—that would give a child that strange taste. All in all, it was a unique early childhood that Little Sam experienced—at least that’s how it seems to us now. It was likely pretty ordinary for that time and place.





V. THE WAY OF FORTUNE

Perhaps John Quarles's jocular, happy-go-lucky nature and general conduct did not altogether harmonize with John Clemens's more taciturn business methods. Notwithstanding the fact that he was a builder of dreams, Clemens was neat and methodical, with his papers always in order. He had a hearty dislike for anything resembling frivolity and confusion, which very likely were the chief features of John Quarles's storekeeping. At all events, they dissolved partnership at the end of two or three years, and Clemens opened business for himself across the street. He also practised law whenever there were cases, and was elected justice of the peace, acquiring the permanent title of “Judge.” He needed some one to assist in the store, and took in Orion, who was by this time twelve or thirteen years old; but, besides his youth, Orion—all his days a visionary—was a studious, pensive lad with no taste for commerce. Then a partnership was formed with a man who developed neither capital nor business ability, and proved a disaster in the end. The modest tide of success which had come with John Clemens's establishment at Florida had begun to wane. Another boy, Henry, born in July, 1838, added one more responsibility to his burdens.

John Quarles's playful and carefree personality didn't really mesh with John Clemens's more reserved business style. Even though he was a dreamer, Clemens was organized and methodical, always keeping his papers in order. He really disliked anything that felt frivolous or chaotic, which were probably the main characteristics of John Quarles's storekeeping. In any case, they ended their partnership after two or three years, and Clemens opened his own business across the street. He also practiced law whenever there were cases and was elected justice of the peace, earning the lasting title of “Judge.” He needed someone to help in the store, so he brought in Orion, who was about twelve or thirteen by then; but besides being young, Orion, always a dreamer, was a thoughtful and serious boy with no interest in business. Then he partnered with someone who had no capital or business skills, which ultimately led to failure. The modest success that had come with John Clemens's establishment in Florida started to fade. Another son, Henry, born in July 1838, added another responsibility to his load.

There still remained a promise of better things. There seemed at least a good prospect that the scheme for making Salt River navigable was likely to become operative. With even small boats (bateaux) running as high as the lower branch of the South Fork, Florida would become an emporium of trade, and merchants and property-owners of that village would reap a harvest. An act of the Legislature was passed incorporating the navigation company, with Judge Clemens as its president. Congress was petitioned to aid this work of internal improvement. So confident was the company of success that the hamlet was thrown into a fever of excitement by the establishment of a boatyard and, the actual construction of a bateau; but a Democratic Congress turned its back on the proposed improvement. No boat bigger than a skiff ever ascended Salt River, though there was a wild report, evidently a hoax, that a party of picnickers had seen one night a ghostly steamer, loaded and manned, puffing up the stream. An old Scotchman, Hugh Robinson, when he heard of it, said:

There was still hope for better days ahead. It seemed there was a real chance that the plan to make Salt River navigable would actually get started. With even small boats operating as far up as the lower part of the South Fork, Florida could become a hub for trade, and the merchants and property owners in that town would benefit greatly. The Legislature passed a law to create a navigation company, with Judge Clemens as its president. Congress was asked to support this project for improving infrastructure. The company was so sure it would succeed that the town buzzed with excitement when a boatyard was set up and the construction of a boat began; however, a Democratic Congress turned a blind eye to the proposed improvement. No boat larger than a skiff ever traveled up Salt River, although there was a ridiculous rumor, clearly a prank, that a group of picnickers had spotted a ghostly steamboat, fully loaded and crewed, moving up the river one night. An old Scottish man, Hugh Robinson, when he heard about it, said:

“I don't doubt a word they say. In Scotland, it often happens that when people have been killed, or are troubled, they send their spirits abroad and they are seen as much like themselves as a reflection in a looking-glass. That was a ghost of some wrecked steamboat.”

“I don’t doubt anything they say. In Scotland, it often happens that when people are killed, or in distress, they send their spirits away, and they appear just like themselves, as if seen in a mirror. That was a ghost from some wrecked steamboat.”

But John Quarles, who was present, laughed:

But John Quarles, who was there, laughed:

“If ever anybody was in trouble, the men on that steamboat were,” he said. “They were the Democratic candidates at the last election. They killed Salt River improvements, and Salt River has killed them. Their ghosts went up the river on a ghostly steamboat.”

“If anyone was in trouble, it was the guys on that steamboat,” he said. “They were the Democratic candidates in the last election. They ruined the Salt River improvements, and now Salt River has taken them down. Their ghosts floated up the river on a haunted steamboat.”

It is possible that this comment, which was widely repeated and traveled far, was the origin of the term “Going up Salt River,” as applied to defeated political candidates.—[The dictionaries give this phrase as probably traceable to a small, difficult stream in Kentucky; but it seems more reasonable to believe that it originated in Quarles's witty comment.]

It’s likely that this widely spread comment was the source of the term “Going up Salt River,” used for losing political candidates. —[Dictionaries suggest this phrase probably comes from a small, tough stream in Kentucky, but it seems more logical to think it originated from Quarles's clever remark.]

No other attempt was ever made to establish navigation on Salt River. Rumors of railroads already running in the East put an end to any such thought. Railroads could run anywhere and were probably cheaper and easier to maintain than the difficult navigation requiring locks and dams. Salt River lost its prestige as a possible water highway and became mere scenery. Railroads have ruined greater rivers than the Little Salt, and greater villages than Florida, though neither Florida nor Salt River has been touched by a railroad to this day. Perhaps such close detail of early history may be thought unnecessary in a work of this kind, but all these things were definite influences in the career of the little lad whom the world would one day know as Mark Twain.

No other attempts were ever made to establish navigation on Salt River. Rumors of railroads already running in the East squashed any such ideas. Railroads could run anywhere and were likely cheaper and easier to maintain than the challenging navigation requiring locks and dams. Salt River lost its status as a potential waterway and became just a backdrop. Railroads have impacted even bigger rivers than the Little Salt and larger towns than Florida, although neither Florida nor Salt River has been touched by a railroad to this day. Some might think this level of detail about early history is unnecessary in a work like this, but all these factors had a significant influence on the life of the little boy who would one day be known as Mark Twain.





VI. A NEW HOME

The death of little Margaret was the final misfortune that came to the Clemens family in Florida. Doubtless it hastened their departure. There was a superstition in those days that to refer to health as good luck, rather than to ascribe it to the kindness of Providence, was to bring about a judgment. Jane Clemens one day spoke to a neighbor of their good luck in thus far having lost no member of their family. That same day, when the sisters, Pamela and Margaret, returned from school, Margaret laid her books on the table, looked in the glass at her flushed cheeks, pulled out the trundle-bed, and lay down.

The death of little Margaret was the final tragedy that hit the Clemens family in Florida. It surely sped up their departure. Back then, there was a superstition that talking about health as good luck, rather than attributing it to the kindness of Providence, would bring about bad consequences. One day, Jane Clemens mentioned to a neighbor how lucky they had been to not lose any family members so far. That same day, when the sisters, Pamela and Margaret, came back from school, Margaret put her books on the table, glanced in the mirror at her flushed cheeks, pulled out the trundle bed, and lay down.

She was never in her right mind again. The doctor was sent for and diagnosed the case “bilious fever.” One evening, about nine o'clock, Orion was sitting on the edge of the trundle-bed by the patient, when the door opened and Little Sam, then about four years old, walked in from his bedroom, fast asleep. He came to the side of the trundle-bed and pulled at the bedding near Margaret's shoulder for some time before he woke. Next day the little girl was “picking at the coverlet,” and it was known that she could not live. About a week later she died. She was nine years old, a beautiful child, plump in form, with rosy cheeks, black hair, and bright eyes. This was in August, 1839. It was Little Sam's first sight of death—the first break in the Clemens family: it left a sad household. The shoemaker who lived next door claimed to have seen several weeks previous, in a vision, the coffin and the funeral-procession pass the gate by the winding road, to the cemetery, exactly as it happened.

She was never in her right mind again. The doctor was called in and diagnosed her with "bilious fever." One evening, around nine o'clock, Orion was sitting on the edge of the trundle bed next to her when the door opened and Little Sam, then about four years old, walked in from his bedroom, fast asleep. He came to the side of the trundle bed and tugged at the bedding near Margaret's shoulder for a while before he woke up. The next day, the little girl was “picking at the coverlet,” and everyone knew she wouldn’t survive. About a week later, she died. She was nine years old, a beautiful child, plump in build, with rosy cheeks, black hair, and bright eyes. This was in August 1839. It was Little Sam's first experience with death—the first loss in the Clemens family, which left a somber atmosphere in the household. The shoemaker next door claimed to have seen, several weeks earlier, in a vision, the coffin and funeral procession passing the gate along the winding road to the cemetery, just as it unfolded.

Matters were now going badly enough with John Clemens. Yet he never was without one great comforting thought—the future of the Tennessee land. It underlaid every plan; it was an anodyne for every ill.

Things were going pretty badly for John Clemens now. Still, he always had one big comforting thought—the future of the Tennessee land. It was the foundation of every plan; it eased every pain.

“When we sell the Tennessee land everything will be all right,” was the refrain that brought solace in the darkest hours. A blessing for him that this was so, for he had little else to brighten his days. Negotiations looking to the sale of the land were usually in progress. When the pressure became very hard and finances were at their lowest ebb, it was offered at any price—at five cents an acre, sometimes. When conditions improved, however little, the price suddenly advanced even to its maximum of one thousand dollars an acre. Now and then a genuine offer came along, but, though eagerly welcomed at the moment, it was always refused after a little consideration.

“When we sell the Tennessee land, everything will be fine,” was the motto that provided comfort during the hardest times. It was a blessing for him that this was the case, as he had little else to make his days brighter. Negotiations for the sale of the land were usually ongoing. When the pressure became really intense and finances hit rock bottom, it was offered at any price—even five cents an acre sometimes. However, when conditions improved, even a little, the price would suddenly jump to its maximum of one thousand dollars an acre. Occasionally, a genuine offer came in, but, although it was welcomed at first, it was always turned down after some thought.

“We will struggle along somehow, Jane,” he would say. “We will not throw away the children's fortune.”

“We'll manage somehow, Jane,” he would say. “We won’t waste the kids' inheritance.”

There was one other who believed in the Tennessee land—Jane Clemens's favorite cousin, James Lampton, the courtliest, gentlest, most prodigal optimist of all that guileless race. To James Lampton the land always had “millions in it”—everything had. He made stupendous fortunes daily, in new ways. The bare mention of the Tennessee land sent him off into figures that ended with the purchase of estates in England adjoining those of the Durham Lamptons, whom he always referred to as “our kindred,” casually mentioning the whereabouts and health of the “present earl.” Mark Twain merely put James Lampton on paper when he created Colonel Sellers, and the story of the Hawkins family as told in The Gilded Age reflects clearly the struggle of those days. The words “Tennessee land,” with their golden promise, became his earliest remembered syllables. He grew to detest them in time, for they came to mean mockery.

There was one other person who believed in the Tennessee land—Jane Clemens's favorite cousin, James Lampton, the most courteous, kindest, and overly optimistic of all that innocent group. To James Lampton, the land always held “millions in it”—everything did. He made huge fortunes every day in new ways. Just mentioning the Tennessee land would send him into calculations that ended with buying estates in England next to those of the Durham Lamptons, whom he always called “our relatives,” casually bringing up the whereabouts and health of the “current earl.” Mark Twain basically created Colonel Sellers based on James Lampton, and the story of the Hawkins family in The Gilded Age clearly reflects the struggles of those times. The words “Tennessee land,” with their golden promise, were among his earliest memories. Over time, he grew to loathe them because they came to symbolize mockery.

One of the offers received was the trifling sum of two hundred and fifty dollars, and such was the moment's need that even this was considered. Then, of course, it was scornfully refused. In some autobiographical chapters which Orion Clemens left behind he said:

One of the offers received was the small amount of two hundred and fifty dollars, and given the urgency of the moment, even this was taken into consideration. Naturally, it was ultimately rejected with disdain. In some autobiographical chapters that Orion Clemens left behind, he mentioned:

“If we had received that two hundred and fifty dollars, it would have been more than we ever made, clear of expenses, out of the whole of the Tennessee land, after forty years of worry to three generations.”

“If we had gotten that two hundred and fifty dollars, it would have been more than we ever made, after expenses, from the entire Tennessee land, over the course of forty years of stress for three generations.”

What a less speculative and more logical reasoner would have done in the beginning, John Clemens did now; he selected a place which, though little more than a village, was on a river already navigable—a steamboat town with at least the beginnings of manufacturing and trade already established—that is to say, Hannibal, Missouri—a point well chosen, as shown by its prosperity to-day.

What a more practical and rational thinker would have done at the start, John Clemens did now; he chose a location that, although barely more than a village, was situated on a navigable river—a steamboat town with the initial stages of manufacturing and trade already in place—that is, Hannibal, Missouri—a well-chosen spot, as its current prosperity indicates.

He did not delay matters. When he came to a decision, he acted quickly. He disposed of a portion of his goods and shipped the remainder overland; then, with his family and chattels loaded in a wagon, he was ready to set out for the new home. Orion records that, for some reason, his father did not invite him to get into the wagon, and how, being always sensitive to slight, he had regarded this in the light of deliberate desertion.

He didn't waste any time. Once he made a decision, he took action quickly. He sold some of his belongings and transported the rest by land; then, with his family and possessions loaded into a wagon, he was ready to head to their new home. Orion notes that, for some reason, his father didn't ask him to get into the wagon, and since he was always sensitive to being overlooked, he saw this as a deliberate abandonment.

“The sense of abandonment caused my heart to ache. The wagon had gone a few feet when I was discovered and invited to enter. How I wished they had not missed me until they had arrived at Hannibal. Then the world would have seen how I was treated and would have cried 'Shame!'”

“The feeling of being left behind made my heart hurt. The wagon had gone just a few feet when I was found and asked to get in. I really wished they hadn’t noticed me until they reached Hannibal. Then everyone would have seen how I was treated and would have shouted ‘Shame!’”

This incident, noted and remembered, long after became curiously confused with another, in Mark Twain's mind. In an autobiographical chapter published in The North American Review he tells of the move to Hannibal and relates that he himself was left behind by his absentminded family. The incident of his own abandonment did not happen then, but later, and somewhat differently. It would indeed be an absent-minded family if the parents, and the sister and brothers ranging up to fourteen years of age, should drive off leaving Little Sam, age four, behind. —[As mentioned in the Prefatory Note, Mark Twain's memory played him many tricks in later life. Incidents were filtered through his vivid imagination until many of them bore little relation to the actual occurrence. Some of these lapses were only amusing, but occasionally they worked an unintentional injustice. It is the author's purpose in every instance, so far as is possible, to keep the record straight.]

This incident, noted and remembered, later became oddly mixed up with another one in Mark Twain's mind. In an autobiographical chapter published in The North American Review, he talks about moving to Hannibal and mentions that he was left behind by his absentminded family. The incident of being abandoned didn't actually happen then, but later, and in a slightly different way. It would really be a clueless family if the parents and siblings, who were all up to fourteen years old, drove off and left Little Sam, who was only four, behind. —[As mentioned in the Prefatory Note, Mark Twain's memory played him many tricks later in life. Events were filtered through his vivid imagination until many of them had little relation to what actually happened. Some of these slip-ups were just funny, but sometimes they unintentionally caused injustice. The author's aim in every case, as much as possible, is to keep the record accurate.]





VII. THE LITTLE TOWN OF HANNIBAL.

Hannibal in 1839 was already a corporate community and had an atmosphere of its own. It was a town with a distinct Southern flavor, though rather more astir than the true Southern community of that period; more Western in that it planned, though without excitement, certain new enterprises and made a show, at least, of manufacturing. It was somnolent (a slave town could not be less than that), but it was not wholly asleep—that is to say, dead—and it was tranquilly content. Mark Twain remembered it as “the white town drowsing in the sunshine of a summer morning,... the great Mississippi, the magnificent Mississippi, rolling its mile-wide tide along;... the dense forest away on the other side.”

Hannibal in 1839 was already an organized community with its own vibe. It had a distinct Southern feel, though it was more lively than the typical Southern community of that time; it was more Western in that it planned, though without too much excitement, some new ventures and at least put on a show of manufacturing. It was sleepy (a slave town couldn't be anything less), but it wasn’t completely inactive—that is to say, dead—and it was peacefully satisfied. Mark Twain remembered it as “the white town drowsing in the sunshine of a summer morning,... the great Mississippi, the magnificent Mississippi, rolling its mile-wide tide along;... the dense forest away on the other side.”

The little city was proud of its scenery, and justly so: circled with bluffs, with Holliday's Hill on the north, Lover's Leap on the south, the shining river in the foreground, there was little to be desired in the way of setting.

The small city took pride in its beautiful views, and rightly so: surrounded by cliffs, with Holliday's Hill to the north, Lover's Leap to the south, and the sparkling river in the foreground, there was little to wish for in terms of scenery.

The river, of course, was the great highway. Rafts drifted by; steamboats passed up and down and gave communication to the outside world; St. Louis, the metropolis, was only one hundred miles away. Hannibal was inclined to rank itself as of next importance, and took on airs accordingly. It had society, too—all kinds—from the negroes and the town drunkards (“General” Gaines and Jimmy Finn; later, Old Ben Blankenship) up through several nondescript grades of mechanics and tradesmen to the professional men of the community, who wore tall hats, ruffled shirt-fronts, and swallow-tail coats, usually of some positive color-blue, snuff-brown, and green. These and their families constituted the true aristocracy of the Southern town. Most of them had pleasant homes—brick or large frame mansions, with colonnaded entrances, after the manner of all Southern architecture of that period, which had an undoubted Greek root, because of certain drawing-books, it is said, accessible to the builders of those days. Most of them, also, had means—slaves and land which yielded an income in addition to their professional earnings. They lived in such style as was considered fitting to their rank, and had such comforts as were then obtainable.

The river, of course, was the main route. Rafts floated by; steamboats traveled up and down, connecting them to the outside world; St. Louis, the big city, was only a hundred miles away. Hannibal liked to think of itself as second in importance and acted accordingly. It had a mix of people—from the Black community and the local drunks (“General” Gaines and Jimmy Finn; later, Old Ben Blankenship) all the way up to various tradespeople and mechanics, and the professional men of the town, who wore tall hats, ruffled shirt fronts, and tailcoats, usually in bright colors like blue, snuff brown, and green. These individuals and their families made up the true elite of the Southern town. Most of them had nice homes—brick or large wooden mansions with grand entrances, typical of Southern architecture of that time, which had a clear Greek influence, thanks to certain drawing books said to be available to the builders back then. Most of them also had wealth—slaves and land that provided extra income alongside their professional salaries. They lived in a manner befitting their status and enjoyed the comforts that were available at the time.

It was to this grade of society that judge Clemens and his family belonged, but his means no longer enabled him to provide either the comforts or the ostentation of his class. He settled his family and belongings in a portion of a house on Hill Street—the Pavey Hotel; his merchandise he established modestly on Main Street, with Orion, in a new suit of clothes, as clerk. Possibly the clothes gave Orion a renewed ambition for mercantile life, but this waned. Business did not begin actively, and he was presently dreaming and reading away the time. A little later he became a printer's apprentice, in the office of the Hannibal Journal, at his father's suggestion.

Judge Clemens and his family were part of this social class, but he could no longer afford the comforts or showiness that came with it. He moved his family and their things into a section of a house on Hill Street—the Pavey Hotel; he set up his store modestly on Main Street, with Orion, dressed in a new suit, working as the clerk. Maybe the new clothes sparked Orion's ambition for business, but it soon faded. Business didn’t pick up right away, and he ended up daydreaming and reading instead. Not long after, at his father’s suggestion, he became an apprentice printer at the Hannibal Journal.

Orion Clemens perhaps deserves a special word here. He was to be much associated with his more famous brother for many years, and his personality as boy and man is worth at least a casual consideration. He was fifteen now, and had developed characteristics which in a greater or less degree were to go with him through life. Of a kindly, loving disposition, like all of the Clemens children, quick of temper, but always contrite, or forgiving, he was never without the fond regard of those who knew him best. His weaknesses were manifold, but, on the whole, of a negative kind. Honorable and truthful, he had no tendency to bad habits or unworthy pursuits; indeed, he had no positive traits of any sort. That was his chief misfortune. Full of whims and fancies, unstable, indeterminate, he was swayed by every passing emotion and influence. Daily he laid out a new course of study and achievement, only to fling it aside because of some chance remark or printed paragraph or bit of advice that ran contrary to his purpose. Such a life is bound to be a succession of extremes—alternate periods of supreme exaltation and despair. In his autobiographical chapters, already mentioned, Orion sets down every impulse and emotion and failure with that faithful humility which won him always the respect, if not always the approval, of men.

Orion Clemens deserves a special mention here. He was closely linked to his more famous brother for many years, and his personality as both a boy and a man merits at least a brief look. He was fifteen now and had developed traits that would accompany him throughout his life. Like all the Clemens children, he had a kind and loving nature, a quick temper, but was always either apologetic or forgiving. He was never without the affection of those who knew him well. He had many weaknesses, but they were mostly of a negative nature. Honest and truthful, he didn't have any tendencies toward bad habits or unworthy pursuits; in fact, he lacked any strong positive traits. That was his main misfortune. Full of whims and fancies, unstable and uncertain, he was influenced by every fleeting emotion and outside influence. Each day, he planned a new course of study and achievement, only to abandon it due to some random comment, printed passage, or piece of advice that contradicted his goals. Such a life is bound to be a series of extremes—oscillating between moments of intense joy and despair. In his previously mentioned autobiographical chapters, Orion records every impulse, emotion, and failure with a sincerity that always earned him respect, if not always approval, from others.

Printing was a step downward, for it was a trade, and Orion felt it keenly. A gentleman's son and a prospective heir of the Tennessee land, he was entitled to a profession. To him it was punishment, and the disgrace weighed upon him. Then he remembered that Benjamin Franklin had been a printer and had eaten only an apple and a bunch of grapes for his dinner. Orion decided to emulate Franklin, and for a time he took only a biscuit and a glass of water at a meal, foreseeing the day when he should electrify the world with his eloquence. He was surprised to find how clear his mind was on this low diet and how rapidly he learned his trade.

Printing was a step down, as it was a trade, and Orion felt this deeply. As the son of a gentleman and a potential heir to the Tennessee land, he believed he deserved a profession. To him, it felt like punishment, and the shame was heavy on him. Then he remembered that Benjamin Franklin had been a printer and had subsisted on just an apple and a bunch of grapes for dinner. Orion decided to follow Franklin's example, and for a while, he only ate a biscuit and drank a glass of water at each meal, anticipating the day when he would amaze the world with his eloquence. He was surprised to discover how clear his mind was on this sparse diet and how quickly he mastered his trade.

Of the other children Pamela, now twelve, and Benjamin, seven, were put to school. They were pretty, attractive children, and Henry, the baby, was a sturdy toddler, the pride of the household. Little Sam was the least promising of the flock. He remained delicate, and developed little beyond a tendency to pranks. He was a queer, fanciful, uncommunicative child that detested indoors and would run away if not watched—always in the direction of the river. He walked in his sleep, too, and often the rest of the household got up in the middle of the night to find him fretting with cold in some dark corner. The doctor was summoned for him oftener than was good for the family purse—or for him, perhaps, if we may credit the story of heavy dosings of those stern allopathic days.

Of the other kids, Pamela, now twelve, and Benjamin, seven, were sent to school. They were pretty, attractive children, and Henry, the baby, was a sturdy toddler, the pride of the household. Little Sam was the least promising of the group. He remained delicate and developed little beyond a knack for pranks. He was a strange, imaginative, quiet child who hated being indoors and would run away if not watched—always heading toward the river. He also walked in his sleep, and often the rest of the household would wake up in the middle of the night to find him shivering in some dark corner. The doctor was called for him more often than was good for the family's budget—or for him, perhaps, if we can believe the stories of heavy doses from those strict allopathic days.

Yet he would appear not to have been satisfied with his heritage of ailments, and was ambitious for more. An epidemic of measles—the black, deadly kind—was ravaging Hannibal, and he yearned for the complaint. He yearned so much that when he heard of a playmate, one of the Bowen boys, who had it, he ran away and, slipping into the house, crept into bed with the infection. The success of this venture was complete. Some days later, the Clemens family gathered tearfully around Little Sam's bed to see him die. According to his own after-confession, this gratified him, and he was willing to die for the glory of that touching scene. However, he disappointed them, and was presently up and about in search of fresh laurels.—[In later life Mr. Clemens did not recollect the precise period of this illness. With habitual indifference he assigned it to various years, as his mood or the exigencies of his theme required. Without doubt the “measles” incident occurred when he was very young.]—He must have been a wearing child, and we may believe that Jane Clemens, with her varied cares and labors, did not always find him a comfort.

Yet he didn’t seem satisfied with the health issues he inherited and wanted more. An outbreak of measles—the serious, deadly kind—was spreading through Hannibal, and he craved the illness. He wanted it so badly that when he heard one of his playmates, one of the Bowen boys, had it, he ran off and sneaked into the house, climbing into bed with the sickness. This plan worked perfectly. A few days later, the Clemens family gathered tearfully around Little Sam’s bed, bracing for his death. According to his own later confession, this made him happy, and he would have been fine with dying for the sake of that touching scene. However, he let them down and soon got up, looking for fresh adventures. —[In later years, Mr. Clemens couldn’t remember the exact time of this illness. With his usual indifference, he placed it in various years depending on his mood or what he was writing about. Without a doubt, the “measles” incident happened when he was very young.]—He must have been a tiring child, and we can believe that Jane Clemens, with her many responsibilities and struggles, didn’t always find him a source of comfort.

“You gave me more uneasiness than any child I had,” she said to him once, in her old age.

“You made me more anxious than any child I ever had,” she told him once, in her old age.

“I suppose you were afraid I wouldn't live,” he suggested, in his tranquil fashion.

“I guess you were worried that I wouldn't make it,” he said calmly.

She looked at him with that keen humor that had not dulled in eighty years. “No; afraid you would,” she said. But that was only her joke, for she was the most tenderhearted creature in the world, and, like mothers in general, had a weakness for the child that demanded most of her mother's care.

She looked at him with that sharp sense of humor that hadn’t faded in eighty years. “No; I’m afraid you would,” she said. But that was just her joke, because she was the most softhearted person in the world and, like most mothers, had a weakness for the child who needed the most of her care.

It was mainly on his account that she spent her summers on John Quarles's farm near Florida, and it was during the first summer that an incident already mentioned occurred. It was decided that the whole family should go for a brief visit, and one Saturday morning in June Mrs. Clemens, with the three elder children and the baby, accompanied by Jennie, the slave-girl, set out in a light wagon for the day's drive, leaving Judge Clemens to bring Little Sam on horseback Sunday morning. The hour was early when Judge Clemens got up to saddle his horse, and Little Sam was still asleep. The horse being ready, Clemens, his mind far away, mounted and rode off without once remembering the little boy, and in the course of the afternoon arrived at his brother-in-law's farm. Then he was confronted by Jane Clemens, who demanded Little Sam.

It was mainly because of him that she spent her summers on John Quarles's farm near Florida, and it was during the first summer that an incident already mentioned took place. It was decided that the whole family should go for a short visit, so one Saturday morning in June, Mrs. Clemens, along with the three older kids and the baby, set out in a light wagon for the day’s trip, leaving Judge Clemens to bring Little Sam on horseback Sunday morning. Judge Clemens got up early to saddle his horse, and Little Sam was still asleep. With the horse ready, Clemens lost in his thoughts, mounted and rode away without remembering the little boy. By the afternoon, he arrived at his brother-in-law's farm, only to be confronted by Jane Clemens, who asked for Little Sam.

“Why,” said the judge, aghast, “I never once thought of him after I left him asleep.”

“Why,” said the judge, shocked, “I never thought about him once after I left him sleeping.”

Wharton Lampton, a brother of Jane Clemens and Patsey Quarles, hastily saddled a horse and set out, helter-skelter, for Hannibal. He arrived in the early dusk. The child was safe enough, but he was crying with loneliness and hunger. He had spent most of the day in the locked, deserted house playing with a hole in the meal-sack where the meal ran out, when properly encouraged, in a tiny stream. He was fed and comforted, and next day was safe on the farm, which during that summer and those that followed it, became so large a part of his boyhood and lent a coloring to his later years.

Wharton Lampton, brother of Jane Clemens and Patsey Quarles, quickly saddled a horse and rushed off to Hannibal. He arrived in the early evening. The child was safe, but he was crying from loneliness and hunger. He had spent most of the day in the locked, empty house playing with a hole in the meal sack where the meal trickled out when he poked it just right. He was fed and comforted, and the next day he was safe on the farm, which during that summer and the ones that followed, became a big part of his childhood and shaped his later years.





VIII. THE FARM

We have already mentioned the delight of the Clemens children in Uncle John Quarles's farm. To Little Sam it was probably a life-saver. With his small cousin, Tabitha,—[Tabitha Quarles, now Mrs. Greening, of Palmyra, Missouri, has supplied most of the material for this chapter.]—just his own age (they called her Puss), he wandered over that magic domain, fording new marvels at every step, new delights everywhere. A slave-girl, Mary, usually attended them, but she was only six years older, and not older at all in reality, so she was just a playmate, and not a guardian to be feared or evaded. Sometimes, indeed, it was necessary for her to threaten to tell “Miss Patsey” or “Miss Jane,” when her little charges insisted on going farther or staying later than she thought wise from the viewpoint of her own personal safety; but this was seldom, and on the whole a stay at the farm was just one long idyllic dream of summer-time and freedom.

We've already talked about how much the Clemens children loved Uncle John Quarles's farm. For Little Sam, it probably felt like a lifesaver. He roamed that enchanting place with his little cousin, Tabitha—[Tabitha Quarles, now Mrs. Greening, of Palmyra, Missouri, has provided most of the material for this chapter.]—who was about his age (they called her Puss), discovering new wonders at every turn and finding delight everywhere. A young girl named Mary usually accompanied them, but since she was only six years older and not really more mature, she was more of a playmate than a guardian to be feared or avoided. Occasionally, she had to warn them that she would tell “Miss Patsey” or “Miss Jane” if they tried to go farther or stay out longer than she thought was safe for her own peace of mind; but this happened infrequently, and overall, a stay at the farm felt like one long, idyllic dream of summer and freedom.

The farm-house stood in the middle of a large yard entered by a stile made of sawed-off logs of graduated heights. In the corner of the yard were hickory trees, and black walnut, and beyond the fence the hill fell away past the barns, the corn-cribs, and the tobacco-house to a brook—a divine place to wade, with deep, dark, forbidden pools. Down in the pasture there were swings under the big trees, and Mary swung the children and ran under them until their feet touched the branches, and then took her turn and “balanced” herself so high that their one wish was to be as old as Mary and swing in that splendid way. All the woods were full of squirrels—gray squirrels and the red-fox species—and many birds and flowers; all the meadows were gay with clover and butterflies, and musical with singing grasshoppers and calling larks; there were blackberries in the fence rows, apples and peaches in the orchard, and watermelons in the corn. They were not always ripe, those watermelons, and once, when Little Sam had eaten several pieces of a green one, he was seized with cramps so severe that most of the household expected him to die forthwith.

The farmhouse was in the center of a large yard that was accessed by a stile made of cut logs of varying heights. In one corner of the yard stood hickory trees and black walnut trees, and beyond the fence, the hill sloped down past the barns, the corncribs, and the tobacco house to a creek—a perfect spot to wade in, with deep, dark, tempting pools. In the pasture, there were swings hanging from the big trees, and Mary pushed the children on the swings and ran under them until their feet brushed the branches. Then she took her turn and balanced so high that all they wished for was to be as grown-up as Mary and swing like that. The woods were alive with squirrels—gray ones and red-fox ones—and plenty of birds and flowers; the meadows were bright with clover and butterflies, filled with the sounds of singing grasshoppers and calling larks. There were blackberries along the fence, apples and peaches in the orchard, and watermelons in the cornfield. Those watermelons weren’t always ripe, and once, when Little Sam ate several pieces of a green one, he got cramps so bad that everyone in the house thought he might die right then and there.

Jane Clemens was not heavily concerned.

Jane Clemens wasn't too worried.

“Sammy will pull through,” she said; “he wasn't born to die that way.”

“Sammy will be okay,” she said; “he wasn't meant to die like that.”

It is the slender constitution that bears the strain. “Sammy” did pull through, and in a brief time was ready for fresh adventure.

It’s the slender build that can handle the pressure. “Sammy” pulled through and soon was ready for a new adventure.

There were plenty of these: there were the horses to ride to and from the fields; the ox-wagons to ride in when they had dumped their heavy loads; the circular horsepower to ride on when they threshed the wheat. This last was a dangerous and forbidden pleasure, but the children would dart between the teams and climb on, and the slave who was driving would pretend not to see. Then in the evening when the black woman came along, going after the cows, the children would race ahead and set the cows running and jingling their bells—especially Little Sam, for he was a wild-headed, impetuous child of sudden ecstasies that sent him capering and swinging his arms, venting his emotions in a series of leaps and shrieks and somersaults, and spasms of laughter as he lay rolling in the grass.

There were a lot of these: there were horses to ride to and from the fields; ox-wagons to ride in once they had unloaded their heavy cargo; and the circular horsepower to ride on while they threshed the wheat. This last one was a risky and forbidden thrill, but the kids would dash between the teams and climb on, while the driver, a slave, would pretend not to notice. Then in the evening, when the black woman came by to fetch the cows, the kids would sprint ahead and get the cows running and jingling their bells—especially Little Sam, who was a wild, impulsive child filled with sudden bursts of joy that made him skip around and wave his arms, expressing himself through leaps, shrieks, somersaults, and fits of laughter as he rolled in the grass.

His tendency to mischief grew with this wide liberty, improved health, and the encouragement of John Quarles's good-natured, fun-loving slaves.

His tendency for mischief increased with this newfound freedom, better health, and the support of John Quarles's friendly, fun-loving slaves.

The negro quarters beyond the orchard were especially attractive. In one cabin lived a bed-ridden, white-headed old woman whom the children visited daily and looked upon with awe; for she was said to be a thousand years old and to have talked with Moses. The negroes believed this; the children, too, of course, and that she had lost her health in the desert, coming out of Egypt. The bald spot on her head was caused by fright at seeing Pharaoh drowned. She also knew how to avert spells and ward off witches, which added greatly to her prestige. Uncle Dan'l was a favorite, too-kind-hearted and dependable, while his occasional lockjaw gave him an unusual distinction. Long afterward he would become Nigger Jim in the Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn tales, and so in his gentle guilelessness win immortality and the love of many men.

The Black quarters past the orchard were particularly appealing. In one cabin lived an elderly woman, frail and white-haired, who the children visited every day and regarded with reverence; they said she was a thousand years old and had spoken to Moses. The Black residents believed this; the children did too, of course, and thought she had lost her health in the desert while escaping Egypt. The bald patch on her head was said to be from the shock of seeing Pharaoh drown. She also had the ability to break spells and protect against witches, which enhanced her reputation. Uncle Dan'l was well-liked as well—kind-hearted and reliable, with his occasional lockjaw giving him a unique distinction. Much later, he would become known as Nigger Jim in the stories of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, and in his gentle innocence, he would achieve lasting fame and the affection of many.

Certainly this was a heavenly place for a little boy, the farm of Uncle John Quarles, and the house was as wonderful as its surroundings. It was a two-story double log building, with a spacious floor (roofed in) connecting the two divisions. In the summer the table was set in the middle of that shady, breezy pavilion, and sumptuous meals were served in the lavish Southern style, brought to the table in vast dishes that left only room for rows of plates around the edge. Fried chicken, roast pig, turkeys, ducks, geese, venison just killed, squirrels, rabbits, partridges, pheasants, prairie-chickens—the list is too long to be served here. If a little boy could not improve on that bill of fare and in that atmosphere, his case was hopeless indeed. His mother kept him there until the late fall, when the chilly evenings made them gather around the wide, blazing fireplace. Sixty years later he wrote of that scene:

Certainly, this was a perfect place for a little boy, Uncle John Quarles' farm, and the house was just as amazing as its surroundings. It was a two-story double log building, with a spacious covered area connecting the two sides. In the summer, the table was set in the middle of that shady, breezy pavilion, and lavish meals were served in true Southern style, brought to the table on large dishes that left only enough space for rows of plates around the edge. Fried chicken, roast pig, turkeys, ducks, geese, freshly hunted venison, squirrels, rabbits, partridges, pheasants, prairie chickens—the list is too long to mention all of it. If a little boy couldn't have a better time with that menu and in that atmosphere, there was no hope for him at all. His mother kept him there until late fall, when the chilly evenings drove them to gather around the wide, blazing fireplace. Sixty years later, he wrote about that scene:

    I can see the room yet with perfect clearness. I can see all its
    buildings, all its details: the family-room of the house, with the
    trundle-bed in one corner and the spinning-wheel in another a wheel
    whose rising and falling wail, heard from a distance, was the
    mournfulest of all sounds to me, and made me homesick and low-
    spirited, and filled my atmosphere with the wandering spirits of the
    dead; the vast fireplace, piled high with flaming logs, from whose
    ends a sugary sap bubbled out, but did not go to waste, for we
    scraped it off and ate it;... the lazy cat spread out on the
    rough hearthstones, the drowsy dogs braced against the jambs,
    blinking; my aunt in one chimney-corner and my uncle in the other
    smoking his corn-cob pipe; the slick and carpetless oak floor
    faintly mirroring the flame tongues, and freckled with black
    indentations where fire-coals had popped out and died a leisurely
    death; half a dozen children romping in the background twilight;
    splint-bottom chairs here and there—some with rockers; a cradle
    —out of service, but waiting with confidence.
I can see the room clearly. I can see all its features, all its details: the family room of the house, with a trundle bed in one corner and a spinning wheel in another—a wheel whose rising and falling whine, heard from a distance, was the saddest sound to me, making me feel homesick and down, filling my surroundings with the wandering spirits of the dead; the large fireplace, stacked high with burning logs, from which sugary sap bubbled out, but didn’t go to waste because we scraped it off and ate it;... the lazy cat stretched out on the rough hearth, the sleepy dogs leaning against the jambs, blinking; my aunt in one corner of the chimney and my uncle in the other, smoking his corn-cob pipe; the slick, carpetless oak floor faintly reflecting the flames, speckled with black marks where fire coals had popped out and died slowly; half a dozen kids playing in the dim light; splint-bottom chairs scattered around—some with rockers; a cradle—out of service, but waiting confidently.

One is tempted to dwell on this period, to quote prodigally from these vivid memories—the thousand minute impressions which the child's sensitive mind acquired in that long-ago time and would reveal everywhere in his work in the years to come. For him it was education of a more valuable and lasting sort than any he would ever acquire from books.

One might want to spend time reflecting on this period, to lavishly quote these vivid memories—the countless small impressions that the child’s sensitive mind absorbed back then and would express throughout his future work. For him, it was a type of education far more valuable and enduring than anything he would gain from books.





IX. SCHOOL-DAYS

Nevertheless, on his return to Hannibal, it was decided that Little Sam was now ready to go to school. He was about five years old, and the months on the farm had left him wiry and lively, even if not very robust. His mother declared that he gave her more trouble than all the other children put together.

Nevertheless, upon his return to Hannibal, it was decided that Little Sam was ready to start school. He was around five years old, and the months spent on the farm had made him energetic and lively, even if he wasn't very sturdy. His mother said he gave her more trouble than all the other kids combined.

“He drives me crazy with his didoes, when he is in the house,” she used to say; “and when he is out of it I am expecting every minute that some one will bring him home half dead.”

“He drives me crazy with his antics when he's at home,” she used to say; “and when he’s out, I’m just waiting for someone to bring him back half dead.”

He did, in fact, achieve the first of his “nine narrow escapes from drowning” about this time, and was pulled out of the river one afternoon and brought home in a limp and unpromising condition. When with mullein tea and castor-oil she had restored him to activity, she said: “I guess there wasn't much danger. People born to be hanged are safe in water.”

He actually had his first of “nine close calls with drowning” around this time, and one afternoon he was pulled out of the river and brought home in a limp and unresponsive state. After she managed to bring him back to life with mullein tea and castor oil, she said, “I guess there wasn't much danger. People born to be hanged are safe in water.”

She declared she was willing to pay somebody to take him off her hands for a part of each day and try to teach him manners. Perhaps this is a good place to say that Jane Clemens was the original of Tom Sawyer's “Aunt Polly,” and her portrait as presented in that book is considered perfect. Kind-hearted, fearless, looking and acting ten years older than her age, as women did in that time, always outspoken and sometimes severe, she was regarded as a “character” by her friends, and beloved by them as, a charitable, sympathetic woman whom it was good to know. Her sense of pity was abnormal. She refused to kill even flies, and punished the cat for catching mice. She, would drown the young kittens, when necessary, but warmed the water for the purpose. On coming to Hannibal, she joined the Presbyterian Church, and her religion was of that clean-cut, strenuous kind which regards as necessary institutions hell and Satan, though she had been known to express pity for the latter for being obliged to surround himself with such poor society. Her children she directed with considerable firmness, and all were tractable and growing in grace except Little Sam. Even baby Henry at two was lisping the prayers that Sam would let go by default unless carefully guarded. His sister Pamela, who was eight years older and always loved him dearly, usually supervised these spiritual exercises, and in her gentle care earned immortality as the Cousin Mary of Tom Sawyer. He would say his prayers willingly enough when encouraged by sister Pamela, but he much preferred to sit up in bed and tell astonishing tales of the day's adventure—tales which made prayer seem a futile corrective and caused his listeners to wonder why the lightning was restrained so long. They did not know they were glimpsing the first outcroppings of a genius that would one day amaze and entertain the nations. Neighbors hearing of these things (also certain of his narrations) remonstrated with Mrs. Clemens.

She said she was willing to pay someone to help her with him for part of each day and try to teach him some manners. Maybe this is a good time to mention that Jane Clemens inspired Tom Sawyer's “Aunt Polly,” and her portrayal in that book is considered spot on. She was kind-hearted, fearless, and looked and acted ten years older than her actual age, as women did back then. Always outspoken and sometimes strict, her friends saw her as a “character” and loved her for being a charitable, sympathetic woman who was great to know. Her sense of pity was extraordinary. She wouldn’t even kill flies and would scold the cat for catching mice. She would drown the young kittens when necessary, but she warmed the water first. After moving to Hannibal, she joined the Presbyterian Church, and her faith was that straightforward, intense kind which included hell and Satan as essential aspects, even though she had been known to feel sorry for the latter for having to associate with such poor company. She managed her children with a fair amount of firmness, and all were obedient and growing in goodness except Little Sam. Even baby Henry, at two, was lisping the prayers that Sam would skip unless carefully reminded. His sister Pamela, who was eight years older and always adored him, usually supervised these spiritual activities, and in her gentle care, she achieved immortality as the Cousin Mary of Tom Sawyer. He would happily say his prayers when encouraged by Pamela, but he preferred to sit up in bed and share incredible stories from the day's adventures—stories that made prayer seem pointless and left his listeners wondering why the lightning withheld its strike for so long. They didn’t realize they were witnessing the first signs of a genius that would one day amaze and entertain the world. Neighbors, hearing about all this (and certain of his tales), expressed their concerns to Mrs. Clemens.

“You don't believe anything that child says, I hope.”

“You don't believe anything that kid says, do you?”

“Oh yes, I know his average. I discount him ninety per cent. The rest is pure gold.” At another time she said: “Sammy is a well of truth, but you can't bring it all up in one bucket.”

“Oh yes, I know his average. I disregard ninety percent of it. The rest is pure gold.” At another point, she said: “Sammy is a well of truth, but you can't pull it all up in one bucket.”

This, however, is digression; the incidents may have happened somewhat later.

This, however, is a digression; the events might have occurred a bit later.

A certain Miss E. Horr was selected to receive the payment for taking charge of Little Sam during several hours each day, directing him mentally and morally in the mean time. Her school was then in a log house on Main Street (later it was removed to Third Street), and was of the primitive old-fashioned kind, with pupils of all ages, ranging in advancement from the primer to the third reader, from the tables to long division, with a little geography and grammar and a good deal of spelling. Long division and the third reader completed the curriculum in that school. Pupils who decided to take a post-graduate course went to a Mr. Cross, who taught in a frame house on the hill facing what is now the Public Square.

A certain Miss E. Horr was chosen to receive payment for looking after Little Sam for several hours each day while also guiding him mentally and morally. Her school was located in a log cabin on Main Street (which was later moved to Third Street) and was very traditional, with students of all ages at different levels of learning, from the primer to the third reader, and covering everything from basic tables to long division, along with some geography, grammar, and plenty of spelling. Long division and the third reader rounded out the curriculum at that school. Students who wanted to pursue advanced studies went to a Mr. Cross, who taught in a frame house on the hill overlooking what is now the Public Square.

Miss Horr received twenty-five cents a week for each pupil, and opened her school with prayer; after which came a chapter of the Bible, with explanations, and the rules of conduct. Then the A B C class was called, because their recital was a hand-to-hand struggle, requiring no preparation.

Miss Horr received twenty-five cents a week for each student and started her school with a prayer; afterward, there was a chapter of the Bible, along with explanations and the rules of behavior. Then the A B C class was called, as their recitation was a direct challenge that needed no preparation.

The rules of conduct that first day interested Little Sam. He calculated how much he would need to trim in, to sail close to the danger-line and still avoid disaster. He made a miscalculation during the forenoon and received warning; a second offense would mean punishment. He did not mean to be caught the second time, but he had not learned Miss Horr yet, and was presently startled by being commanded to go out and bring a stick for his own correction.

The rules of behavior on the first day caught Little Sam's attention. He figured out how much he could cut back to stay near the edge of trouble without getting into a mess. He misjudged things that morning and got a warning; a second mistake would lead to punishment. He didn’t intend to get caught again, but he hadn’t figured out Miss Horr yet, and was soon taken aback when he was told to go outside and fetch a stick for his own discipline.

This was certainly disturbing. It was sudden, and then he did not know much about the selection of sticks. Jane Clemens had usually used her hand. It required a second command to get him headed in the right direction, and he was a trifle dazed when he got outside. He had the forests of Missouri to select from, but choice was difficult. Everything looked too big and competent. Even the smallest switch had a wiry, discouraging look. Across the way was a cooper-shop with a good many shavings outside.

This was definitely unsettling. It happened suddenly, and he didn't really know much about picking sticks. Jane Clemens usually used her hand. It took a second command to get him going in the right direction, and he felt a bit bewildered when he stepped outside. He had the forests of Missouri to choose from, but it was tough to decide. Everything seemed too large and capable. Even the smallest twig had a thin, off-putting appearance. Across the way was a cooper shop with quite a few shavings outside.

One had blown across and lay just in front of him. It was an inspiration. He picked it up and, solemnly entering the school-room, meekly handed it to Miss Herr.

One had blown across and lay just in front of him. It was an inspiration. He picked it up and, seriously entering the classroom, quietly handed it to Miss Herr.

Perhaps Miss Horr's sense of humor prompted forgiveness, but discipline must be maintained.

Perhaps Miss Horr's sense of humor inspired forgiveness, but discipline has to be upheld.

“Samuel Langhorne Clemens,” she said (he had never heard it all strung together in that ominous way), “I am ashamed of you! Jimmy Dunlap, go and bring a switch for Sammy.” And Jimmy Dunlap went, and the switch was of a sort to give the little boy an immediate and permanent distaste for school. He informed his mother when he went home at noon that he did not care for school; that he had no desire to be a great man; that he preferred to be a pirate or an Indian and scalp or drown such people as Miss Horr. Down in her heart his mother was sorry for him, but what she said was that she was glad there was somebody at last who could take him in hand.

“Samuel Langhorne Clemens,” she said (he had never heard it all put together like that), “I’m ashamed of you! Jimmy Dunlap, go get a switch for Sammy.” And Jimmy Dunlap went, and the switch was the kind that would give the little boy an immediate and lasting dislike for school. He told his mother when he got home at noon that he didn’t like school; that he had no desire to be a great man; that he would rather be a pirate or an Indian and scalp or drown people like Miss Horr. Deep down, his mother felt sorry for him, but what she said was that she was glad there was finally someone who could discipline him.

He returned to school, but he never learned to like it. Each morning he went with reluctance and remained with loathing—the loathing which he always had for anything resembling bondage and tyranny or even the smallest curtailment of liberty. A School was ruled with a rod in those days, a busy and efficient rod, as the Scripture recommended. Of the smaller boys Little Sam's back was sore as often as the next, and he dreamed mainly of a day when, grown big and fierce, he would descend with his band and capture Miss Horr and probably drag her by the hair, as he had seen Indians and pirates do in the pictures. When the days of early summer came again; when from his desk he could see the sunshine lighting the soft green of Holliday's Hill, with the purple distance beyond, and the glint of the river, it seemed to him that to be shut up with a Webster's spelling-book and a cross old maid was more than human nature could bear. Among the records preserved from that far-off day there remains a yellow slip, whereon in neat old-fashioned penmanship is inscribed:

He went back to school, but he never grew to like it. Every morning he drag himself there and felt miserable—the misery he always felt for anything that felt like oppression and control or even the slightest restriction of freedom. School was run with strict discipline back then, a strictness that followed the guidelines as the Bible suggested. Among the younger kids, Little Sam’s back was just as sore as anyone else's, and he mainly dreamed of the day when he would be big and tough enough to charge in with his friends and capture Miss Horr, probably dragging her by the hair, like he’d seen in pictures of Indians and pirates. When the early summer days came back; when he could see the sunshine shining on the soft green of Holliday's Hill from his desk, with the purple distance beyond and the shimmer of the river, it seemed unbearable to be stuck with a Webster's spelling book and a cranky old lady. Among the records kept from that distant time, there's a yellow slip where neat, old-fashioned handwriting reads:

                  MISS PAMELA CLEMENS

    Has won the love of her teacher and schoolmates by her amiable
    deportment and faithful application to her various studies.
                                   E. Horr, Teacher.
                  MISS PAMELA CLEMENS

    Has won the affection of her teacher and classmates through her friendly behavior and dedicated effort in her various studies.
                                   E. Horr, Teacher.

If any such testimonial was ever awarded to Little Sam, diligent search has failed to reveal it. If he won the love of his teacher and playmates it was probably for other reasons.

If any testimonial like that was ever given to Little Sam, thorough searching has not uncovered it. If he earned the affection of his teacher and friends, it was likely for different reasons.

Yet he must have learned, somehow, for he could read presently and was soon regarded as a good speller for his years. His spelling came as a natural gift, as did most of his attainments, then and later.

Yet he must have learned somehow, because he could read now and was soon seen as a good speller for his age. His spelling was a natural talent, just like most of his skills, both then and later.

It has already been mentioned that Miss Horr opened her school with prayer and Scriptural readings. Little Sam did not especially delight in these things, but he respected them. Not to do so was dangerous. Flames were being kept brisk for little boys who were heedless of sacred matters; his home teaching convinced him of that. He also respected Miss Horr as an example of orthodox faith, and when she read the text “Ask and ye shall receive” and assured them that whoever prayed for a thing earnestly, his prayer would be answered, he believed it. A small schoolmate, the balker's daughter, brought gingerbread to school every morning, and Little Sam was just “honing” for some of it. He wanted a piece of that baker's gingerbread more than anything else in the world, and he decided to pray for it.

It has already been mentioned that Miss Horr started her school with prayer and Bible readings. Little Sam didn’t particularly enjoy these things, but he respected them. Not respecting them could be risky. There were consequences for little boys who ignored sacred matters; his home teaching made that clear. He also viewed Miss Horr as a model of traditional faith, and when she read the passage "Ask and you shall receive" and promised them that anyone who earnestly prayed for something would have their prayer answered, he believed her. A classmate, the baker's daughter, brought gingerbread to school every morning, and Little Sam was really craving some. He wanted a piece of that baker's gingerbread more than anything else in the world, so he decided to pray for it.

The little girl sat in front of him, but always until that morning had kept the gingerbread out of sight. Now, however, when he finished his prayer and looked up, a small morsel of the precious food lay in front of him. Perhaps the little girl could no longer stand that hungry look in his eyes. Possibly she had heard his petition; at all events his prayer bore fruit and his faith at that moment would have moved Holliday's Hill. He decided to pray for everything he wanted, but when he tried the gingerbread supplication next morning it had no result. Grieved, but still unshaken, he tried next morning again; still no gingerbread; and when a third and fourth effort left him hungry he grew despairing and silent, and wore the haggard face of doubt. His mother said:

The little girl sat in front of him, but until that morning, she had always kept the gingerbread hidden. Now, however, when he finished his prayer and looked up, a small piece of the precious treat was right in front of him. Maybe the little girl couldn’t stand the hungry look in his eyes anymore. Perhaps she had heard his request; in any case, his prayer was answered, and at that moment, his faith could have moved Holliday's Hill. He decided to pray for everything he wanted, but when he tried the gingerbread request again the next morning, it didn’t work. Disappointed, but still determined, he tried again the morning after; still no gingerbread. After a third and fourth attempt left him hungry, he grew despairing and silent, wearing the worn expression of doubt. His mother said:

“What's the matter, Sammy; are you sick?”

“What's wrong, Sammy; are you not feeling well?”

“No,” he said, “but I don't believe in saying prayers any more, and I'm never going to do it again.”

“No,” he said, “but I don't believe in saying prayers anymore, and I'm not going to do it again.”

“Why, Sammy, what in the world has happened?” she asked, anxiously. Then he broke down and cried on her lap and told her, for it was a serious thing in that day openly to repudiate faith. Jane Clemens gathered him to her heart and comforted him.

“Why, Sammy, what on earth happened?” she asked anxiously. Then he broke down and cried on her lap and told her, because it was a serious thing back then to openly reject faith. Jane Clemens held him close and comforted him.

“I'll make you a whole pan of gingerbread, better than that,” she said, “and school will soon be out, too, and you can go back to Uncle John's farm.”

"I'll bake you a whole pan of gingerbread, even better than that," she said, "and school will be over soon, and you can head back to Uncle John's farm."

And so passed and ended Little Sam's first school-days.

And so ended Little Sam's first days at school.





X. EARLY VICISSITUDE AND SORROW

Prosperity came laggingly enough to the Clemens household. The year 1840 brought hard times: the business venture paid little or no return; law practice was not much more remunerative. Judge Clemens ran for the office of justice of the peace and was elected, but fees were neither large nor frequent. By the end of the year it became necessary to part with Jennie, the slave-girl—a grief to all of them, for they were fond of her in spite of her wilfulness, and she regarded them as “her family.” She was tall, well formed, nearly black, and brought a good price. A Methodist minister in Hannibal sold a negro child at the same time to another minister who took it to his home farther South. As the steamboat moved away from the landing the child's mother stood at the water's edge, shrieking her anguish. We are prone to consider these things harshly now, when slavery has been dead for nearly half a century, but it was a sacred institution then, and to sell a child from its mother was little more than to sell to-day a calf from its lowing dam. One could be sorry, of course, in both instances, but necessity or convenience are matters usually considered before sentiment. Mark Twain once said of his mother:

Prosperity came slowly to the Clemens household. The year 1840 brought tough times: the business venture yielded little to no profit; practicing law wasn’t very rewarding either. Judge Clemens ran for the position of justice of the peace and was elected, but the fees he earned were neither high nor frequent. By the end of the year, it became necessary to part with Jennie, the slave girl—a sorrow for all, since they were fond of her despite her stubbornness, and she considered them “her family.” She was tall, well-built, nearly black, and fetched a good price. A Methodist minister in Hannibal sold a Black child around the same time to another minister who took it to his home further South. As the steamboat pulled away from the dock, the child's mother stood by the water's edge, crying in despair. We tend to view these things harshly now, with slavery having been abolished for nearly fifty years, but it was a respected institution back then, and selling a child away from its mother was seen as little different from selling a calf away from its mother. One could feel sorrow in both situations, of course, but necessity or convenience often took precedence over sentiment. Mark Twain once said of his mother:

“Kind-hearted and compassionate as she was, I think she was not conscious that slavery was a bald, grotesque, and unwarranted usurpation. She had never heard it assailed in any pulpit, but had heard it defended and sanctified in a thousand. As far as her experience went, the wise, the good, and the holy were unanimous in the belief that slavery was right, righteous, sacred, the peculiar pet of the Deity, and a condition which the slave himself ought to be daily and nightly thankful for.”

"Kind-hearted and compassionate as she was, I don’t think she realized that slavery was a blatant, grotesque, and unjust takeover. She had never heard it condemned in any church, but she had heard it defended and glorified in countless others. Based on her experience, the wise, the good, and the holy all seemed to agree that slavery was right, just, sacred, a special gift from God, and a situation that the slave should be grateful for every day and night."

Yet Jane Clemens must have had qualms at times—vague, unassembled doubts that troubled her spirit. After Jennie was gone a little black chore-boy was hired from his owner, who had bought him on the east shore of Maryland and brought him to that remote Western village, far from family and friends.

Yet Jane Clemens must have had concerns at times—vague, unformed doubts that weighed on her mind. After Jennie left, a little black boy was hired from his owner, who had bought him on the east shore of Maryland and brought him to that isolated Western village, far from family and friends.

He was a cheery spirit in spite of that, and gentle, but very noisy. All day he went about singing, whistling, and whooping until his noise became monotonous, maddening. One day Little Sam said:

He was a cheerful person despite that, and kind, but really loud. All day he walked around singing, whistling, and shouting until his noise became repetitive and irritating. One day Little Sam said:

“Ma—[that was the Southern term]—make Sandy stop singing all the time. It's awful.”

“Mom—[that was the Southern term]—make Sandy stop singing all the time. It's terrible.”

Tears suddenly came into his mother's eyes.

Tears suddenly filled his mother's eyes.

“Poor thing! He is sold away from his home. When he sings it shows maybe he is not remembering. When he's still I am afraid he is thinking, and I can't bear it.”

“Poor thing! He’s been taken away from his home. When he sings, it seems like he’s not remembering. But when he’s quiet, I worry he’s thinking, and I can’t stand it.”

Yet any one in that day who advanced the idea of freeing the slaves was held in abhorrence. An abolitionist was something to despise, to stone out of the community. The children held the name in horror, as belonging to something less than human; something with claws, perhaps, and a tail.

Yet anyone back then who proposed the idea of freeing the slaves was looked down upon. An abolitionist was seen as someone to despise, to be driven out of the community. The children viewed the term with fear, as if it referred to something less than human; something with claws, perhaps, and a tail.

The money received for the sale of Jennie made judge Clemens easier for a time. Business appears to have improved, too, and he was tided through another year during which he seems to have made payments on an expensive piece of real estate on Hill and Main streets. This property, acquired in November, 1839, meant the payment of some seven thousand dollars, and was a credit purchase, beyond doubt. It was well rented, but the tenants did not always pay; and presently a crisis came—a descent of creditors—and John: Clemens at forty-four found himself without business and without means. He offered everything—his cow, his household furniture, even his forks and spoons—to his creditors, who protested that he must not strip himself. They assured him that they admired his integrity so much they would aid him to resume business; but when he went to St. Louis to lay in a stock of goods he was coldly met, and the venture came to nothing.

The money from the sale of Jennie gave Judge Clemens some relief for a while. Business seemed to improve as well, and he managed to get through another year during which he made payments on an expensive piece of real estate on Hill and Main streets. This property, bought in November 1839, cost around seven thousand dollars and was likely a credit purchase. It was well rented, but the tenants didn’t always pay; soon, a crisis hit—creditors came calling—and John Clemens, at forty-four, found himself without a business and without funds. He offered everything—his cow, his furniture, even his forks and spoons—to his creditors, who insisted that he shouldn’t deprive himself. They assured him that they admired his integrity so much that they would help him get back into business; but when he went to St. Louis to stock up on goods, he was met with indifference, and the venture failed.

He now made a trip to Tennessee in the hope of collecting some old debts and to raise money on the Tennessee land. He took along a negro man named Charlie, whom he probably picked up for a small sum, hoping to make something through his disposal in a better market. The trip was another failure. The man who owed him a considerable sum of money was solvent, but pleaded hard times:

He now traveled to Tennessee hoping to collect some old debts and raise money from the Tennessee land. He brought along a Black man named Charlie, whom he likely picked up for a low price, hoping to profit by selling him in a better market. The trip was another failure. The man who owed him a significant amount of money was financially stable but claimed hard times:

    It seems so very hard upon him—[John Clemens wrote home]—to pay
    such a sum that I could not have the conscience to hold him to it.
   .. I still have Charlie. The highest price I had offered for him
    in New Orleans was $50, in Vicksburg $40. After performing the
    journey to Tennessee, I expect to sell him for whatever he will
    bring.

    I do not know what I can commence for a business in the spring. My
    brain is constantly on the rack with the study, and I can't relieve
    myself of it. The future, taking its completion from the state of
    my health or mind, is alternately beaming in sunshine or over-
    shadowed with clouds; but mostly cloudy, as you may suppose. I want
    bodily exercise—some constant and active employment, in the first
    place; and, in the next place, I want to be paid for it, if
    possible.
It seems so tough on him—[John Clemens wrote home]—to pay such a sum that I couldn't in good conscience hold him to it. I still have Charlie. The highest price I was offered for him in New Orleans was $50, and in Vicksburg it was $40. After making the trip to Tennessee, I expect to sell him for whatever I can get.

I don't know what business I can start in the spring. My mind is constantly stressed with the studying, and I can't shake it off. The future, influenced by my health or state of mind, alternates between being bright and sunny or dark and cloudy; but mostly it's cloudy, as you might guess. I need physical activity—some regular and active work, first of all; and secondly, I want to be paid for it, if possible.

This letter is dated January 7, 1842. He returned without any financial success, and obtained employment for a time in a commission-house on the levee. The proprietor found some fault one day, and Judge Clemens walked out of the premises. On his way home he stopped in a general store, kept by a man named Sehns, to make some purchases. When he asked that these be placed on account, Selms hesitated. Judge Clemens laid down a five-dollar gold piece, the last money he possessed in the world, took the goods, and never entered the place again.

This letter is dated January 7, 1842. He came back without any financial success and found a job for a while at a commission store by the wharf. The owner criticized him one day, so Judge Clemens left the place. On his way home, he stopped at a general store run by a man named Sehns to make some purchases. When he asked to put the items on credit, Selms hesitated. Judge Clemens laid down a five-dollar gold coin, the last money he had in the world, took the items, and never returned to that store again.

When Jane Clemens reproached him for having made the trip to Tennessee, at a cost of two hundred dollars, so badly needed at this time, he only replied gently that he had gone for what he believed to be the best.

When Jane Clemens criticized him for taking the trip to Tennessee, which cost two hundred dollars that were badly needed right now, he simply replied softly that he did it for what he thought was the best.

“I am not able to dig in the streets,” he added, and Orion, who records this, adds:

“I can’t dig in the streets,” he added, and Orion, who notes this, adds:

“I can see yet the hopeless expression of his face.”

"I can still see the hopeless look on his face."

During a former period of depression, such as this, death had come into the Clemens home. It came again now. Little Benjamin, a sensitive, amiable boy of ten, one day sickened, and died within a week, May 12, 1842. He was a favorite child and his death was a terrible blow. Little Sam long remembered the picture of his parents' grief; and Orion recalls that they kissed each other, something hitherto unknown.

During a previous time of sadness, like this one, death visited the Clemens home. It happened again now. Little Benjamin, a sensitive and friendly ten-year-old boy, fell ill one day and passed away within a week, on May 12, 1842. He was a cherished child, and his death was a devastating blow. Young Sam always remembered seeing his parents in deep grief; and Orion remembers that they hugged each other, something they had never done before.

Judge Clemens went back to his law and judicial practice. Mrs. Clemens decided to take a few boarders. Orion, by this time seventeen and a very good journeyman printer, obtained a place in St. Louis to aid in the family support.

Judge Clemens returned to his law and court practice. Mrs. Clemens chose to take in a few boarders. By now, Orion was seventeen and a skilled journeyman printer, so he found a job in St. Louis to help support the family.

The tide of fortune having touched low-water mark, the usual gentle stage of improvement set in. Times grew better in Hannibal after those first two or three years; legal fees became larger and more frequent. Within another two years judge Clemens appears to have been in fairly hopeful circumstances again—able at least to invest some money in silkworm culture and lose it, also to buy a piano for Pamela, and to build a modest house on the Hill Street property, which a rich St. Louis cousin, James Clemens, had preserved for him. It was the house which is known today as the “Mark Twain Home.”—[This house, in 1911, was bought by Mr. and Mrs. George A. Mahan, and presented to Hannibal for a memorial museum.]—Near it, toward the corner of Main Street, was his office, and here he dispensed law and justice in a manner which, if it did not bring him affluence, at least won for him the respect of the entire community. One example will serve:

The tides of fortune had hit a low point, but a gradual improvement began. Things got better in Hannibal after those first two or three years; legal fees increased in size and frequency. Within another two years, Judge Clemens seemed to be in a better situation again—able to invest some money in silkworm farming and lose it, as well as buy a piano for Pamela and build a small house on the Hill Street property that a wealthy cousin from St. Louis, James Clemens, had kept for him. This house is now known as the “Mark Twain Home.”—[This house, in 1911, was bought by Mr. and Mrs. George A. Mahan and presented to Hannibal as a memorial museum.]—Nearby, at the corner of Main Street, was his office, where he provided legal services and justice in a way that, while it may not have made him wealthy, certainly earned him the respect of the entire community. One example will illustrate this:

Next to his office was a stone-cutter's shop. One day the proprietor, Dave Atkinson, got into a muss with one “Fighting” MacDonald, and there was a tremendous racket. Judge Clemens ran out and found the men down, punishing each other on the pavement.

Next to his office was a stone-cutter's shop. One day, the owner, Dave Atkinson, got into a fight with “Fighting” MacDonald, and there was a huge noise. Judge Clemens ran out and found the men on the ground, beating each other on the sidewalk.

“I command the peace!” he shouted, as he came up to them.

“I demand peace!” he shouted, as he approached them.

No one paid the least attention.

No one paid any attention at all.

“I command the peace!” he shouted again, still louder, but with no result.

“I command peace!” he shouted again, even louder, but it had no effect.

A stone-cutter's mallet lay there, handy. Judge Clemens seized it and, leaning over the combatants, gave the upper one, MacDonald, a smart blow on the head.

A stone-cutter's mallet was nearby. Judge Clemens picked it up and, leaning over the fighters, gave MacDonald, the one on top, a hard hit on the head.

“I command the peace!” he said, for the third time, and struck a considerably smarter blow.

“I demand peace!” he said for the third time and delivered a much sharper blow.

That settled it. The second blow was of the sort that made MacDonald roll over, and peace ensued. Judge Clemens haled both men into his court, fined them, and collected his fee. Such enterprise in the cause of justice deserved prompt reward.

That settled it. The second punch was the kind that made MacDonald roll over, and that brought peace. Judge Clemens brought both men into his court, fined them, and collected his fee. This effort in the name of justice deserved a quick reward.





XI. DAYS OF EDUCATION

The Clemens family had made one or two moves since its arrival in Hannibal, but the identity of these temporary residences and the period of occupation of each can no longer be established. Mark Twain once said:

The Clemens family had moved a couple of times since arriving in Hannibal, but we can no longer pinpoint where those temporary homes were or how long they lived in each one. Mark Twain once said:

“In 1843 my father caught me in a lie. It is not this fact that gives me the date, but the house we lived in. We were there only a year.”

“In 1843, my dad caught me lying. It’s not just that moment that gives me the date, but the house we lived in. We only stayed there for a year.”

We may believe it was the active result of that lie that fixed his memory of the place, for his father seldom punished him. When he did, it was a thorough and satisfactory performance.

We might think that the active result of that lie is what made him remember the place so well, because his dad rarely punished him. When he did, it was a complete and effective punishment.

It was about the period of moving into the new house (1844) that the Tom Sawyer days—that is to say, the boyhood of Samuel Clemens—may be said to have begun. Up to that time he was just Little Sam, a child—wild, and mischievous, often exasperating, but still a child—a delicate little lad to be worried over, mothered, or spanked and put to bed. Now, at nine, he had acquired health, with a sturdy ability to look out for himself, as boys will, in a community like that, especially where the family is rather larger than the income and there is still a younger child to claim a mother's protecting care. So “Sam,” as they now called him, “grew up” at nine, and was full of knowledge for his years. Not that he was old in spirit or manner—he was never that, even to his death—but he had learned a great number of things, mostly of a kind not acquired at school.

It was around the time of moving into the new house (1844) that the Tom Sawyer days—that is, the childhood of Samuel Clemens—began. Until then, he was just Little Sam, a child—wild and troublesome, often annoying, but still a child—a delicate little guy who needed to be cared for, cuddled, or scolded and sent to bed. Now, at nine, he had gained health and a solid ability to fend for himself, as boys do, especially in a community like that, where the family is larger than the income and there’s still a younger child needing their mother’s protection. So “Sam,” as they now called him, “grew up” at nine and was full of knowledge for his age. Not that he was wise in spirit or behavior—he never was that, even until his death—but he had learned a lot of things, mostly not from school.

They were not always of a pleasant kind; they were likely to be of a kind startling to a boy, even terrifying. Once Little Sam—he was still Little Sam, then—saw an old man shot down on the main street, at noonday. He saw them carry him home, lay him on the bed, and spread on his breast an open family Bible which looked as heavy as an anvil. He though, if he could only drag that great burden away, the poor, old dying man would not breathe so heavily. He saw a young emigrant stabbed with a bowie-knife by a drunken comrade, and noted the spurt of life-blood that followed; he saw two young men try to kill their uncle, one holding him while the other snapped repeatedly an Allen revolver which failed to go off. Then there was the drunken rowdy who proposed to raid the “Welshman's” house one dark threatening night—he saw that, too. A widow and her one daughter lived there, and the ruffian woke the whole village with his coarse challenges and obscenities. Sam Clemens and a boon companion, John Briggs, went up there to look and listen. The man was at the gate, and the warren were invisible in the shadow of the dark porch. The boys heard the elder woman's voice warning the man that she had a loaded gun, and that she would kill him if he stayed where he was. He replied with a ribald tirade, and she warned that she would count ten-that if he remained a second longer she would fire. She began slowly and counted up to five, with him laughing and jeering. At six he grew silent, but he did not go. She counted on: seven—eight—nine—The boys watching from the dark roadside felt their hearts stop. There was a long pause, then the final count, followed a second later by a gush of flame. The man dropped, his breast riddled. At the same instant the thunderstorm that had been gathering broke loose. The boys fled wildly, believing that Satan himself had arrived to claim the lost soul.

They weren't always pleasant; they could be shocking, even terrifying for a boy. Once, when he was still Little Sam, he witnessed an old man get shot on the main street in broad daylight. He watched as they carried him home, laid him on the bed, and placed an open family Bible on his chest that looked as heavy as an anvil. He thought that if he could just drag that heavy weight away, the poor old man wouldn't breathe so heavily. He saw a young immigrant get stabbed with a bowie knife by a drunken friend, noting the burst of blood that followed. He watched two young men try to kill their uncle, one holding him down while the other repeatedly pulled the trigger of an Allen revolver that didn’t fire. Then there was the drunk troublemaker who threatened to raid the “Welshman’s” house one dark, foreboding night—he saw that too. A widow and her only daughter lived there, and the thug disturbed the whole village with his loud challenges and obscenities. Sam Clemens and his friend, John Briggs, went over to check it out. The man was at the gate, while the women stayed hidden in the shadows of the dark porch. They heard the older woman warn the man that she had a loaded gun and would shoot him if he didn't leave. He responded with a crude rant, and she warned him that she would count to ten—if he stayed even a second longer, she would fire. She started counting slowly, reaching five while he laughed and mocked her. At six, he went quiet, but he didn’t move. She continued counting: seven—eight—nine. The boys hiding by the roadside felt their hearts stop. There was a long pause, and then came the final count, immediately followed by a flash of flame. The man fell, his chest riddled with bullets. At that moment, the thunderstorm that had been brewing burst loose. The boys ran away in a panic, thinking that Satan himself had come to claim the lost soul.

Many such instances happened in a town like that in those days. And there were events incident to slavery. He saw a slave struck down and killed with a piece of slag for a trifling offense. He saw an abolitionist attacked by a mob, and they would have lynched him had not a Methodist minister defended him on a plea that he must be crazy. He did not remember, in later years, that he had ever seen a slave auction, but he added:

Many such events took place in a town like that back then. There were incidents related to slavery. He witnessed a slave being struck down and killed with a piece of metal for a minor offense. He saw an abolitionist attacked by a mob, and they would have lynched him if a Methodist minister hadn't stepped in, arguing that the man must be insane. In later years, he didn't recall ever seeing a slave auction, but he added:

“I am suspicious that it is because the thing was a commonplace spectacle, and not an uncommon or impressive one. I do vividly remember seeing a dozen black men and women chained together lying in a group on the pavement, waiting shipment to a Southern slave-market. They had the saddest faces I ever saw.”

“I suspect it's because what I saw was just a regular occurrence, not something rare or extraordinary. I clearly remember seeing a dozen black men and women chained together, lying in a group on the pavement, waiting to be shipped to a Southern slave market. They had the saddest faces I've ever seen.”

It is not surprising that a boy would gather a store of human knowledge amid such happenings as these. They were wild, disturbing things. They got into his dreams and made him fearful when he woke in the middle of the night. He did not then regard them as an education. In some vague way he set them down as warnings, or punishments, designed to give him a taste for a better life. He felt that it was his own conscience that made these things torture him. That was his mother's idea, and he had a high respect for her moral opinions, also for her courage. Among other things, he had seen her one day defy a vicious devil of a Corsican—a common terror in the town-who was chasing his grown daughter with a heavy rope in his hand, declaring he would wear it out on her. Cautious citizens got out of her way, but Jane Clemens opened her door wide to the refugee, and then, instead of rushing in and closing it, spread her arms across it, barring the way. The man swore and threatened her with the rope, but she did not flinch or show any sign of fear. She stood there and shamed him and derided him and defied him until he gave up the rope and slunk off, crestfallen and conquered. Any one who could do that must have a perfect conscience, Sam thought. In the fearsome darkness he would say his prayers, especially when a thunderstorm was coming, and vow to begin a better life in the morning. He detested Sunday-school as much as day-school, and once Orion, who was moral and religious, had threatened to drag him there by the collar; but as the thunder got louder Sam decided that he loved Sunday-school and would go the next Sunday without being invited.

It's not surprising that a boy would collect a lot of knowledge from experiences like these. They were intense and unsettling. They invaded his dreams and made him anxious when he woke up in the middle of the night. He didn’t see them as a form of education. In some vague way, he interpreted them as warnings or punishments meant to inspire him to seek a better life. He believed it was his own conscience that made these experiences torment him. That was his mother's belief, and he held her moral views and bravery in high regard. Among other things, he had seen her one day stand up to a mean Corsican—a common source of fear in the town—who was chasing his grown daughter with a heavy rope, claiming he would use it on her. Concerned citizens stepped aside for her, but Jane Clemens opened her door wide to the fleeing girl, and then, instead of letting her in and shutting the door, she spread her arms across it, blocking the way. The man cursed and threatened her with the rope, but she didn’t flinch or show any signs of fear. She stood her ground, shaming and mocking him until he dropped the rope and left, defeated and humiliated. Anyone who could do that must have a strong conscience, Sam thought. In the terrifying darkness, he would say his prayers, especially when a thunderstorm approached, and promise to start a better life in the morning. He hated Sunday school as much as regular school, and once Orion, who was moral and religious, had threatened to drag him there by the collar. But as the thunder roared louder, Sam decided he actually loved Sunday school and would go the following Sunday without needing an invitation.

Fortunately there were pleasanter things than these. There were picnics sometimes, and ferry-boat excursions. Once there was a great Fourth-of-July celebration at which it was said a real Revolutionary soldier was to be present. Some one had discovered him living alone seven or eight miles in the country. But this feature proved a disappointment; for when the day came and he was triumphantly brought in he turned out to be a Hessian, and was allowed to walk home.

Fortunately, there were nicer things than these. There were picnics sometimes, and ferry boat trips. Once, there was a big Fourth of July celebration where it was said a real Revolutionary soldier would be there. Someone had found him living alone seven or eight miles out in the countryside. But this turned out to be a letdown; when the day arrived and he was brought in with great fanfare, he turned out to be a Hessian and was sent home.

The hills and woods around Hannibal where, with his playmates, he roamed almost at will were never disappointing. There was the cave with its marvels; there was Bear Creek, where, after repeated accidents, he had learned to swim. It had cost him heavily to learn to swim. He had seen two playmates drown; also, time and again he had, himself, been dragged ashore more dead than alive, once by a slave-girl, another time by a slaveman—Neal Champ, of the Pavey Hotel. In the end he had conquered; he could swim better than any boy in town of his age.

The hills and woods around Hannibal, where he explored almost freely with his friends, were always exciting. There was the cave with its wonders; there was Bear Creek, where, after many close calls, he had finally learned how to swim. It had been a tough journey to learn to swim. He had witnessed two friends drown; and time and again, he had been dragged to shore, more dead than alive, once by a slave girl, and another time by a slave man—Neal Champ, from the Pavey Hotel. In the end, he triumphed; he could swim better than any boy his age in town.

It was the river that meant more to him than all the rest. Its charm was permanent. It was the path of adventure, the gateway to the world. The river with its islands, its great slow-moving rafts, its marvelous steamboats that were like fairyland, its stately current swinging to the sea! He would sit by it for hours and dream. He would venture out on it in a surreptitiously borrowed boat when he was barely strong enough to lift an oar out of the water. He learned to know all its moods and phases. He felt its kinship. In some occult way he may have known it as his prototype—that resistless tide of life with its ever-changing sweep, its shifting shores, its depths, its shadows, its gorgeous sunset hues, its solemn and tranquil entrance to the sea.

It was the river that meant more to him than anything else. Its appeal was everlasting. It was the path to adventure, the gateway to the world. The river with its islands, its massive slow-moving rafts, its incredible steamboats that felt like something out of a fairy tale, its dignified current flowing toward the sea! He would sit by it for hours and dream. He would sneak out onto it in a borrowed boat when he was barely strong enough to lift an oar out of the water. He came to understand all its moods and phases. He felt a connection to it. In some mysterious way, he may have seen it as his reflection—that unstoppable flow of life with its ever-changing course, its shifting shores, its depths, its shadows, its beautiful sunset colors, its solemn and peaceful entrance to the sea.

His hunger for the life aboard the steamers became a passion. To be even the humblest employee of one of those floating enchantments would be enough; to be an officer would be to enter heaven; to be a pilot was to be a god.

His craving for life on the steamers turned into a passion. Just being the most basic employee on one of those magical boats would be enough; being an officer would feel like entering heaven; being a pilot would be like being a god.

“You can hardly imagine what it meant,” he reflected once, “to a boy in those days, shut in as we were, to see those steamboats pass up and down, and never to take a trip on them.”

“You can hardly imagine what it meant,” he thought once, “for a boy in those days, being so confined, to see those steamboats going up and down, and never getting to take a trip on them.”

He had reached the mature age of nine when he could endure this no longer. One day, when the big packet came down and stopped at Hannibal, he slipped aboard and crept under one of the boats on the upper deck. Presently the signal-bells rang, the steamboat backed away and swung into midstream; he was really going at last. He crept from beneath the boat and sat looking out over the water and enjoying the scenery. Then it began to rain—a terrific downpour. He crept back under the boat, but his legs were outside, and one of the crew saw him. So he was taken down into the cabin and at the next stop set ashore. It was the town of Louisiana, and there were Lampton relatives there who took him home. Jane Clemens declared that his father had got to take him in hand; which he did, doubtless impressing the adventure on him in the usual way. These were all educational things; then there was always the farm, where entertainment was no longer a matter of girl-plays and swings, with a colored nurse following about, but of manlier sports with his older boy cousins, who had a gun and went hunting with the men for squirrels and partridges by day, for coons and possums by night. Sometimes the little boy had followed the hunters all night long and returned with them through the sparkling and fragrant morning fresh, hungry, and triumphant just in time for breakfast.

He was nine years old when he could no longer put up with it. One day, when the big packet boat docked in Hannibal, he snuck aboard and crawled under one of the boats on the upper deck. Soon, the signal bells rang, the steamboat backed away, and it finally began to head out. He crawled out from under the boat and sat looking out over the water, taking in the scenery. Then it started to rain—a heavy downpour. He crawled back under the boat, but his legs were still sticking out, and one of the crew spotted him. So, they took him down to the cabin and at the next stop, they let him off. It was the town of Louisiana, where his Lampton relatives took him home. Jane Clemens insisted that his father had to deal with him, and he did, likely making sure to impress the importance of the adventure on him in the usual way. These experiences were all part of his education; then there was always the farm, where fun was no longer about playing with girls or swinging, with a colored nurse following him around, but about more grown-up activities with his older boy cousins, who had a gun and went hunting with the men for squirrels and partridges during the day, and for raccoons and opossums at night. Sometimes the little boy would follow the hunters all night and return with them through the sparkling, fragrant morning, fresh, hungry, and triumphant, just in time for breakfast.

So it is no wonder that at nine he was no longer “Little Sam,” but Sam Clemens, quite mature and self-dependent, with a wide knowledge of men and things and a variety of accomplishments. He had even learned to smoke—a little—out there on the farm, and had tried tobacco-chewing, though that was a failure. He had been stung to this effort by a big girl at a school which, with his cousin Puss, he sometimes briefly attended.

So it’s no surprise that by nine he was no longer “Little Sam,” but Sam Clemens, quite grown up and self-sufficient, with a broad understanding of people and the world, along with various skills. He had even picked up smoking—just a bit—out on the farm and had tried chewing tobacco, although that didn’t work out. He had been encouraged to give it a shot by a big girl at a school he sometimes attended briefly with his cousin Puss.

“Do you use terbacker?” the big girl had asked, meaning did he chew it.

"Do you smoke tobacco?" the big girl had asked, meaning did he chew it.

“No,” he said, abashed at the confession.

“No,” he said, embarrassed by the admission.

“Haw!” she cried to the other scholars; “here's a boy that can't chaw terbacker.”

“Haw!” she shouted to the other scholars; “here's a boy that can't chew tobacco.”

Degraded and ashamed, he tried to correct his fault, but it only made him very ill; and he did not try again.

Degraded and ashamed, he tried to fix his mistake, but it only made him really sick; and he didn't try again.

He had also acquired the use of certain strong, expressive words, and used them, sometimes, when his mother was safely distant. He had an impression that she would “skin him alive” if she heard him swear. His education had doubtful spots in it, but it had provided wisdom.

He had also picked up some strong, expressive words and used them sometimes when his mom was out of earshot. He felt like she would “skin him alive” if she heard him swear. His education had its questionable moments, but it had given him some wisdom.

He was not a particularly attractive lad. He was not tall for his years, and his head was somewhat too large for his body. He had a “great ruck” of light, sandy hair which he plastered down to keep it from curling; keen blue-gray eyes, and rather large features. Still, he had a fair, delicate complexion, when it was not blackened by grime or tan; a gentle, winning manner; a smile that, with his slow, measured way of speaking, made him a favorite with his companions. He did not speak much, and his mental attainments were not highly regarded; but, for some reason, whenever he did speak every playmate in hearing stopped whatever he was doing and listened. Perhaps it would be a plan for a new game or lark; perhaps it was something droll; perhaps it was just a commonplace remark that his peculiar drawl made amusing. Whatever it was, they considered it worth while. His mother always referred to his slow fashion of speaking as “Sammy's long talk.” Her own speech was still more deliberate, but she seemed not to notice it. Henry—a much handsomer lad and regarded as far more promising—did not have it. He was a lovable, obedient little fellow whom the mischievous Sam took delight in teasing. For this and other reasons the latter's punishments were frequent enough, perhaps not always deserved. Sometimes he charged his mother with partiality. He would say:

He wasn’t exactly an attractive kid. He wasn’t tall for his age, and his head was a bit too big for his body. His hair was a messy, sandy color that he kept plastered down to stop it from curling; he had sharp blue-gray eyes and fairly prominent features. Still, he had a fair, delicate complexion, when it wasn’t covered in dirt or sunburn; a gentle, charming demeanor; and a smile that, combined with his slow, measured speech, made him popular with his friends. He didn’t talk much, and people didn’t think highly of his smarts; but for some reason, whenever he did speak, every kid around stopped what they were doing and listened. It might have been a plan for a new game or a funny idea; it could have just been a regular comment that his unique slow drawl made funny. Whatever it was, they found it worth listening to. His mom always called his slow way of speaking “Sammy's long talk.” Her own speech was even slower, but she seemed oblivious to it. Henry—who was a much better-looking kid and seen as way more promising—didn’t have that trait. He was a lovable, obedient little guy whom the mischievous Sam loved to tease. For this and other reasons, Sam often got into trouble, maybe not always for good reason. Sometimes he would accuse his mom of being biased. He would say:

“Yes, no matter what it is, I am always the one to get punished”; and his mother would answer:

“Yes, no matter what it is, I'm always the one who gets punished,” and his mom would reply:

“Well, Sam, if you didn't deserve it for that, you did for something else.”

“Well, Sam, if you didn't earn it for that, you did for something else.”

Henry Clemens became the Sid of Tom Sawyer, though Henry was in every way a finer character than Sid. His brother Sam always loved him, and fought for him oftener than with him.

Henry Clemens became the Sid of Tom Sawyer, even though Henry was a much better character than Sid. His brother Sam always cared for him and often fought for him more than against him.

With the death of Benjamin Clemens, Henry and Sam were naturally drawn much closer together, though Sam could seldom resist the temptation of tormenting Henry. A schoolmate, George Butler (he was a nephew of General Butler and afterward fought bravely in the Civil War), had a little blue suit with a leather belt to match, and was the envy of all. Mrs. Clemens finally made Sam and Henry suits of blue cotton velvet, and the next Sunday, after various services were over, the two sauntered about, shedding glory for a time, finally going for a stroll in the woods. They walked along properly enough, at first, then just ahead Sam spied the stump of a newly cut tree, and with a wild whooping impulse took a running leap over it. There were splinters on the stump where the tree had broken away, but he cleared them neatly. Henry wanted to match the performance, but was afraid to try, so Sam dared him. He kept daring him until Henry was goaded to the attempt. He cleared the stump, but the highest splinters caught the slack of his little blue trousers, and the cloth gave way. He escaped injury, but the precious trousers were damaged almost beyond repair. Sam, with a boy's heartlessness, was fairly rolling on the ground with laughter at Henry's appearance.

With the death of Benjamin Clemens, Henry and Sam naturally grew much closer, although Sam often couldn’t resist the urge to tease Henry. A classmate, George Butler (he was General Butler's nephew and later fought bravely in the Civil War), had a little blue suit with a matching leather belt that everyone envied. Mrs. Clemens eventually made Sam and Henry blue cotton velvet suits, and the following Sunday, after various services were over, the two strolled around, soaking up the moment before heading out for a walk in the woods. They started off walking properly, but then Sam spotted the stump of a freshly cut tree ahead and, feeling a surge of excitement, took a running leap over it. There were splinters on the stump where the tree had broken off, but he cleared them easily. Henry wanted to do the same but was too scared, so Sam kept daring him. He pushed Henry until he finally decided to try. Henry cleared the stump, but the highest splinters snagged the back of his little blue trousers, causing the fabric to rip. He was unhurt, but the treasured trousers were almost ruined. Sam, showing his boyish insensitivity, was rolling on the ground with laughter at Henry’s mishap.

“Cotton-tail rabbit!” he shouted. “Cotton-tail rabbit!” while Henry, weeping, set out for home by a circuitous and unfrequented road. Let us hope, if there was punishment for this mishap, that it fell in the proper locality.

“Cotton-tail rabbit!” he yelled. “Cotton-tail rabbit!” while Henry, crying, made his way home by a winding and rarely traveled road. Let's hope that if there was any consequence for this accident, it landed where it belonged.

These two brothers were of widely different temperament. Henry, even as a little boy, was sturdy, industrious, and dependable. Sam was volatile and elusive; his industry of an erratic kind. Once his father set him to work with a hatchet to remove some plaster. He hacked at it for a time well enough, then lay down on the floor of the room and threw his hatchet at such areas of the plaster as were not in easy reach. Henry would have worked steadily at a task like that until the last bit was removed and the room swept clean.

These two brothers had very different personalities. Henry, even as a little kid, was strong, hardworking, and reliable. Sam was unpredictable and hard to pin down; his work ethic was inconsistent. Once, their dad had him use a hatchet to chip away some plaster. He worked on it for a while, then just lay down on the floor and started throwing his hatchet at parts of the plaster he couldn’t easily reach. Henry would have kept at it diligently until every last bit was gone and the room was spotless.

The home incidents in 'Tom Sawyer', most of them, really happened. Sam Clemens did clod Henry for getting him into trouble about the colored thread with which he sewed his shirt when he came home from swimming; he did inveigle a lot of boys into whitewashing, a fence for him; he did give Pain-killer to Peter, the cat. There was a cholera scare that year, and Pain-killer was regarded as a preventive. Sam had been ordered to take it liberally, and perhaps thought Peter too should be safeguarded. As for escaping punishment for his misdeeds in the manner described in that book, this was a daily matter, and the methods adapted themselves to the conditions. In the introduction to Tom Sawyer Mark Twain confesses to the general truth of the history, and to the reality of its characters. “Huck Finn was drawn from life,” he tells us. “Tom Sawyer also, but not from an individual—he is a combination of the characteristics of three boys whom I knew.”

Most of the home incidents in 'Tom Sawyer' actually happened. Sam Clemens did blame Henry for getting him in trouble with the colored thread he used to sew his shirt after swimming; he did trick a bunch of boys into whitewashing a fence for him; he did give Pain-killer to Peter, the cat. There was a cholera scare that year, and Pain-killer was seen as a way to prevent it. Sam had been told to take it regularly, and he probably thought Peter should be protected too. As for avoiding punishment for his misdeeds in the way described in that book, that was a regular occurrence, and the methods adjusted to fit the situation. In the introduction to Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain admits to the overall truth of the story and the reality of its characters. “Huck Finn was drawn from life,” he tells us. “Tom Sawyer also, but not from one person—he’s a mix of the traits of three boys I knew.”

The three boys were—himself, chiefly, and in a lesser degree John Briggs and Will Bowen. John Briggs was also the original of Joe Harper in that book. As for Huck Finn, his original was Tom Blankenship, neither elaborated nor qualified.

The three boys were—himself, mainly, and to a lesser extent John Briggs and Will Bowen. John Briggs was also the inspiration for Joe Harper in that book. As for Huck Finn, his inspiration was Tom Blankenship, without any additional details or qualifications.

There were several of the Blankenships: there was old Ben, the father, who had succeeded “General” Gains as the town drunkard; young Ben, the eldest son—a hard case with certain good traits; and Tom—that is to say, Huck—who was just as he is described in Tom Sawyer: a ruin of rags, a river-rat, an irresponsible bit of human drift, kind of heart and possessing that priceless boon, absolute unaccountability of conduct to any living soul. He could came and go as he chose; he never had to work or go to school; he could do all things, good or bad, that the other boys longed to do and were forbidden. He represented to them the very embodiment of liberty, and his general knowledge of important matters, such as fishing, hunting, trapping, and all manner of signs and spells and hoodoos and incantations, made him immensely valuable as a companion. The fact that his society was prohibited gave it a vastly added charm.

There were several members of the Blankenship family: old Ben, the father, who had taken over as the town drunk after “General” Gains; young Ben, the eldest son—a tough guy with some good qualities; and Tom—Huck, who was just as he is described in Tom Sawyer: a tattered mess, a river rat, an unpredictable drifter, kind-hearted and blessed with the priceless gift of complete freedom from responsibility to anyone. He could come and go as he pleased; he never had to work or attend school; he could do anything, good or bad, that the other boys wished they could do but weren’t allowed to. To them, he embodied true freedom, and his extensive knowledge of things like fishing, hunting, trapping, and all sorts of signs, spells, and superstitions made him an invaluable friend. The fact that hanging out with him was forbidden only added to his appeal.

The Blankenships picked up a precarious living fishing and hunting, and lived at first in a miserable house of bark, under a tree, but later moved into quite a pretentious building back of the new Clemens home on Hill Street. It was really an old barn of a place—poor and ramshackle even then; but now, more than sixty years later, a part of it is still standing. The siding of the part that stands is of black walnut, which must have been very plentiful in that long-ago time. Old drunken Ben Blankenship never dreamed that pieces of his house would be carried off as relics because of the literary fame of his son Tom—a fame founded on irresponsibility and inconsequence. Orion Clemens, who was concerned with missionary work about this time, undertook to improve the Blankenships spiritually. Sam adopted them, outright, and took them to his heart. He was likely to be there at any hour of the day, and he and Tom had cat-call signals at night which would bring him out on the back single-story roof, and down a little arbor and flight of steps, to the group of boon companions which, besides Tom, included John Briggs, the Bowen boys, Will Pitts, and one or two other congenial spirits. They were not vicious boys; they were not really bad boys; they were only mischievous, fun-loving boys-thoughtless, and rather disregardful of the comforts and the rights of others.

The Blankenships made a shaky living from fishing and hunting. They initially lived in a shabby bark house under a tree but later moved into a somewhat impressive building behind the new Clemens home on Hill Street. It was really just an old barn—run-down and falling apart even then; but now, over sixty years later, part of it is still standing. The part that remains has black walnut siding, which must have been quite common back in those days. Old drunk Ben Blankenship never imagined that pieces of his house would be taken as souvenirs because of his son Tom’s literary fame—a fame built on recklessness and carelessness. Around this time, Orion Clemens, who was involved in missionary work, tried to help the Blankenships spiritually. Sam took them in completely and welcomed them with open arms. He was often around at any time of the day, and he and Tom had call-and-response signals at night that would bring him out onto the single-story back roof, down a little arbor and set of steps, to join a group of close friends which, apart from Tom, included John Briggs, the Bowen boys, Will Pitts, and a few other like-minded friends. They weren’t bad kids; they were just mischievous, fun-loving boys—thoughtless and somewhat careless about the comforts and rights of others.





XII. TOM SAWYER'S BAND

They ranged from Holliday's Hill on the north to the Cave on the south, and over the fields and through all the woods about. They navigated the river from Turtle Island to Glasscock's Island (now Pearl, or Tom Sawyer's Island), and far below; they penetrated the wilderness of the Illinois shore. They could run like wild turkeys and swim like ducks; they could handle a boat as if born in one. No orchard or melon patch was entirely safe from them; no dog or slave patrol so vigilant that they did not sooner or later elude it. They borrowed boats when their owners were not present. Once when they found this too much trouble, they decided to own a boat, and one Sunday gave a certain borrowed craft a coat of red paint (formerly it had been green), and secluded it for a season up Bear Creek. They borrowed the paint also, and the brush, though they carefully returned these the same evening about nightfall, so the painter could have them Monday morning. Tom Blankenship rigged up a sail for the new craft, and Sam Clemens named it Cecilia, after which they didn't need to borrow boats any more, though the owner of it did; and he sometimes used to observe as he saw it pass that, if it had been any other color but red, he would have sworn it was his.

They explored everywhere from Holliday's Hill in the north to the Cave in the south, covering all the fields and woods in between. They navigated the river from Turtle Island to Glasscock's Island (now known as Pearl or Tom Sawyer's Island) and ventured far downriver, diving into the wilderness along the Illinois shore. They could run as fast as wild turkeys and swim like ducks; they handled a boat as if they’d been born in one. No orchard or melon patch was completely safe from them, and no dog or slave patrol was so alert that they couldn't slip by it eventually. They borrowed boats when their owners weren't around. Once, when that became too much trouble, they decided to own a boat and, on a Sunday, gave a certain borrowed craft a coat of red paint (it had originally been green) and hid it for a while up Bear Creek. They also borrowed the paint and the brush, but they made sure to return them the same evening, just before nightfall, so the painter could use them Monday morning. Tom Blankenship attached a sail to the new boat, and Sam Clemens named it Cecilia, after which they didn’t need to borrow boats anymore, although the owner of that boat did; and he sometimes remarked that if it had been any color but red, he’d have sworn it was his.

Some of their expeditions were innocent enough. They often cruised up to Turtle Island, about two miles above Hannibal, and spent the day feasting. You could have loaded a car with turtles and their eggs up there, and there were quantities of mussels and plenty of fish. Fishing and swimming were their chief pastimes, with general marauding for adventure. Where the railroad-bridge now ends on the Missouri side was their favorite swimming-hole—that and along Bear Creek, a secluded limpid water with special interests of its own. Sometimes at evening they swam across to Glasscock's Island—the rendezvous of Tom Sawyer's “Black Avengers” and the hiding-place of Huck and Nigger Jim; then, when they had frolicked on the sand-bar at the head of the island for an hour or more, they would swim back in the dusk, a distance of half a mile, breasting the strong, steady Mississippi current without exhaustion or fear. They could swim all day, likely enough, those graceless young scamps. Once—though this was considerably later, when he was sixteen—Sam Clemens swam across to the Illinois side, and then turned and swam back again without landing, a distance of at least two miles, as he had to go. He was seized with a cramp on the return trip. His legs became useless, and he was obliged to make the remaining distance with his arms. It was a hardy life they led, and it is not recorded that they ever did any serious damage, though they narrowly missed it sometimes.

Some of their trips were pretty innocent. They often headed over to Turtle Island, about two miles above Hannibal, and spent the day enjoying themselves. You could have filled a car with turtles and their eggs up there, plus there were lots of mussels and plenty of fish. Fishing and swimming were their main activities, along with general adventuring. Their favorite swimming spot was where the railroad bridge now ends on the Missouri side, along with Bear Creek, a quiet, clear waterway that had its own special charm. Sometimes in the evenings, they would swim over to Glasscock's Island—the meeting spot for Tom Sawyer's “Black Avengers” and the hideout for Huck and Jim; then, after playing on the sandbar at the island's edge for an hour or so, they would swim back at dusk, covering half a mile against the strong, steady Mississippi current without feeling tired or scared. They could probably swim all day, those clumsy young rascals. Once—though this was later on, when he was sixteen—Sam Clemens swam over to the Illinois side, then turned around and swam back without stopping, a distance of at least two miles. He cramped up on the way back. His legs stopped working, so he had to swim the rest of the way using just his arms. They led a tough life, and there's no record of them causing any serious trouble, even though they came close sometimes.

One of their Sunday pastimes was to climb Holliday's Hill and roll down big stones, to frighten the people who were driving to church. Holliday's Hill above the road was steep; a stone once started would go plunging and leaping down and bound across the road with the deadly swiftness of a twelve-inch shell. The boys would get a stone poised, then wait until they saw a team approaching, and, calculating the distance, would give it a start. Dropping down behind the bushes, they would watch the dramatic effect upon the church-goers as the great missile shot across the road a few yards before them. This was Homeric sport, but they carried it too far. Stones that had a habit of getting loose so numerously on Sundays and so rarely on other days invited suspicion, and the “Patterollers” (river patrol—a kind of police of those days) were put on the watch. So the boys found other diversions until the Patterollers did not watch any more; then they planned a grand coup that would eclipse anything before attempted in the stone-rolling line.

One of their Sunday pastimes was to climb Holliday's Hill and roll down big stones to scare the people driving to church. Holliday's Hill, steep above the road, would send a stone plunging and bouncing down, shooting across the road with the deadly speed of a twelve-inch shell. The boys would position a stone, wait for a team to approach, and then, calculating the distance, give it a push. They would hide behind the bushes and watch the dramatic reaction of the church-goers as the large stone flew across the road just a few yards in front of them. This was thrilling fun, but they took it too far. Stones that seemed to loosen frequently on Sundays but hardly ever on other days raised suspicion, so the "Patterollers" (river patrol—a sort of police back then) were put on alert. The boys found other ways to pass the time until the Patterollers stopped watching; then they planned a major stunt that would top anything they had done before with stone-rolling.

A rock about the size of an omnibus was lying up there, in a good position to go down hill, once, started. They decided it would be a glorious thing to see that great boulder go smashing down, a hundred yards or so in front of some unsuspecting and peaceful-minded church-goer. Quarrymen were getting out rock not far away, and left their picks and shovels over Sundays. The boys borrowed these, and went to work to undermine the big stone. It was a heavier job than they had counted on, but they worked faithfully, Sunday after Sunday. If their parents had wanted them to work like that, they would have thought they were being killed.

A rock about the size of a bus was sitting up there, perfectly positioned to roll downhill once it got started. They thought it would be amazing to watch that huge boulder crash down a hundred yards or so in front of some unsuspecting church-goer. Quarry workers were extracting rock not far away and left their picks and shovels behind on Sundays. The boys borrowed these tools and got to work undermining the big stone. It turned out to be a heavier task than they expected, but they kept at it, Sunday after Sunday. If their parents had asked them to work like that, they would have felt totally overwhelmed.

Finally one Sunday, while they were digging, it suddenly got loose and started down. They were not quite ready for it. Nobody was coming but an old colored man in a cart, so it was going to be wasted. It was not quite wasted, however. They had planned for a thrilling result; and there was thrill enough while it lasted. In the first place, the stone nearly caught Will Bowen when it started. John Briggs had just that moment quit digging and handed Will the pick. Will was about to step into the excavation when Sam Clemens, who was already there, leaped out with a yell:

Finally, one Sunday, while they were digging, it suddenly got loose and started to roll down. They weren't completely prepared for it. The only person coming by was an old Black man in a cart, so it was going to be a waste. However, it wasn’t completely wasted. They had anticipated an exciting outcome, and there was definitely enough excitement while it lasted. First of all, the stone almost knocked Will Bowen over when it started. John Briggs had just stopped digging and handed Will the pick. Will was about to step into the hole when Sam Clemens, who was already there, jumped out with a shout:

“Look out, boys, she's coming!”

“Watch out, guys, she's coming!”

She came. The huge stone kept to the ground at first, then, gathering a wild momentum, it went bounding into the air. About half-way down the hill it struck a tree several inches through and cut it clean off. This turned its course a little, and the negro in the cart, who heard the noise, saw it come crashing in his direction and made a wild effort to whip up his horse. It was also headed toward a cooper-shop across the road. The boys watched it with growing interest. It made longer leaps with every bound, and whenever it struck the fragments the dust would fly. They were certain it would demolish the negro and destroy the cooper-shop. The shop was empty, it being Sunday, but the rest of the catastrophe would invite close investigation, with results. They wanted to fly, but they could not move until they saw the rock land. It was making mighty leaps now, and the terrified negro had managed to get directly in its path. They stood holding their breath, their mouths open. Then suddenly they could hardly believe their eyes; the boulder struck a projection a distance above the road, and with a mighty bound sailed clear over the negro and his mule and landed in the soft dirt beyond-only a fragment striking the shop, damaging but not wrecking it. Half buried in the ground, that boulder lay there for nearly forty years; then it was blasted up for milling purposes. It was the last rock the boys ever rolled down. They began to suspect that the sport was not altogether safe.

She arrived. The massive stone stayed on the ground at first, but then, picking up speed, it launched into the air. About halfway down the hill, it hit a tree several inches thick and completely severed it. This altered its trajectory slightly, and the man in the cart, who heard the noise, saw it crashing toward him and frantically tried to urge his horse on. It was also heading toward a cooper shop across the road. The boys watched it with increasing excitement. It made longer jumps with each leap, and whenever it hit the debris, dust would kick up. They were sure it would crush the man and destroy the cooper shop. The shop was empty because it was Sunday, but the rest of the disaster would definitely attract attention, with repercussions. They wanted to run, but they couldn’t move until they saw where the rock landed. It was now making massive leaps, and the scared man had somehow gotten right in its path. They stood there, holding their breath, mouths agape. Then suddenly they could hardly believe their eyes; the boulder hit a protrusion above the road and, with a tremendous leap, soared directly over the man and his mule, landing in the soft dirt beyond—only a small piece brushed against the shop, causing damage but not destruction. Half-buried in the ground, that boulder remained there for nearly forty years before it was blasted for milling. It was the last rock the boys ever rolled down. They began to realize that the game was not completely safe.

Sometimes the boys needed money, which was not easy to get in those days. On one occasion of this sort, Tom Blankenship had the skin of a coon he had captured, which represented the only capital in the crowd. At Selms's store on Wild Cat corner the coonskin would bring ten cents, but that was not enough. They arranged a plan which would make it pay a good deal more than that. Selins's window was open, it being summer-time, and his pile of pelts was pretty handy. Huck—that is to say, Tom—went in the front door and sold the skin for ten cents to Selms, who tossed it back on the pile. Tom came back with the money and after a reasonable period went around to the open window, crawled in, got the coonskin, and sold it to Selms again. He did this several times that afternoon; then John Pierce, Selins's clerk, said:

Sometimes the boys needed money, which was tough to come by back then. One time, Tom Blankenship had a raccoon skin he had caught, and it was the only thing of value in the group. At Selms's store on Wild Cat corner, the coonskin would only fetch ten cents, but that wasn't enough. They came up with a plan that would earn them a lot more than that. Selins's window was open since it was summer, and his stack of pelts was very accessible. Huck—meaning Tom—went in the front door and sold the skin to Selms for ten cents, who threw it back on the pile. Tom returned with the money and after a reasonable wait, went around to the open window, crawled in, grabbed the coonskin, and sold it to Selms again. He repeated this several times that afternoon; then John Pierce, Selins's clerk, said:

“Look here, Selms, there is something wrong about this. That boy has been selling us coonskins all the afternoon.”

“Look here, Selms, something's off about this. That kid has been selling us raccoon skins all afternoon.”

Selms went to his pile of pelts. There were several sheepskins and some cowhides, but only one coonskin—the one he had that moment bought. Selms himself used to tell this story as a great joke.

Selms walked over to his stack of animal hides. There were a few sheepskins and some cowhides, but only one coonskin—the one he had just bought. Selms would often tell this story as a big joke.

Perhaps it is not adding to Mark Twain's reputation to say that the boy Sam Clemens—a pretty small boy, a good deal less than twelve at this time—was the leader of this unhallowed band; yet any other record would be less than historic. If the band had a leader, it was he. They were always ready to listen to him—they would even stop fishing to do that—and to follow his projects. They looked to him for ideas and organization, whether the undertaking was to be real or make-believe. When they played “Bandit” or “Pirate” or “Indian,” Sam Clemens was always chief; when they became real raiders it is recorded that he was no less distinguished. Like Tom Sawyer, he loved the glare and trappings of leadership. When the Christian Sons of Temperance came along with a regalia, and a red sash that carried with it rank and the privilege of inventing pass-words, the gaud of these things got into his eyes, and he gave up smoking (which he did rather gingerly) and swearing (which he did only under heavy excitement), also liquor (though he had never tasted it yet), and marched with the newly washed and pure in heart for a full month—a month of splendid leadership and servitude. Then even the red sash could not hold him in bondage. He looked up Tom Blankenship and said:

Perhaps it's not doing Mark Twain any favors to say that the boy Sam Clemens—a pretty small kid, definitely not even twelve at this time—was the leader of this unruly group; but any other account would be less than iconic. If the group had a leader, it was him. They were always willing to listen to him—they’d even stop fishing to do that—and to follow his plans. They turned to him for ideas and organization, whether the activity was real or just pretend. When they played “Bandit,” “Pirate,” or “Indian,” Sam Clemens was always the chief; when they became real raiders, it’s noted that he stood out just as much. Like Tom Sawyer, he loved the spotlight and the perks of being in charge. When the Christian Sons of Temperance showed up with their fancy outfits and a red sash that came with rank and the privilege of creating passwords, the allure of these things caught his eye, and he gave up smoking (which he did rather reluctantly) and swearing (which he only did when he was really pumped), even booze (though he had never tried it yet), and joined the newly clean and pure-hearted for a whole month—a month of great leadership and service. Then even the red sash couldn’t keep him tied down. He tracked down Tom Blankenship and said:

“Say, Tom, I'm blamed tired of this! Let's go somewhere and smoke!” Which must have been a good deal of a sacrifice, for the uniform was a precious thing.

“Hey, Tom, I'm really tired of this! Let's go somewhere and smoke!” That must have been quite a sacrifice, since the uniform was very valuable.

Limelight and the center of the stage was a passion of Sam Clemens's boyhood, a love of the spectacular that never wholly died. It seems almost a pity that in those far-off barefoot old days he could not have looked down the years to a time when, with the world at his feet, venerable Oxford should clothe him in a scarlet gown.

Sam Clemens had a passion for the spotlight and being the center of attention since he was a kid, a love for the spectacular that never really faded. It almost seems sad that during those carefree, barefoot days, he couldn't have imagined a future where, with the world at his feet, prestigious Oxford would dress him in a scarlet gown.

He could not by any chance have dreamed of that stately honor. His ambitions did not lie in the direction of mental achievement. It is true that now and then, on Friday at school, he read a composition, one of which—a personal burlesque on certain older boys—came near resulting in bodily damage. But any literary ambition he may have had in those days was a fleeting thing. His permanent dream was to be a pirate, or a pilot, or a bandit, or a trapper-scout; something gorgeous and active, where his word—his nod, even—constituted sufficient law. The river kept the pilot ambition always fresh, and the cave supplied a background for those other things.

He could never have imagined such a grand honor. His ambitions weren't focused on achieving mental greatness. It’s true that occasionally, on Fridays at school, he would read a composition, one of which—a funny take on certain older boys—almost got him into trouble. But any literary ambition he had back then was just a passing fancy. His real dream was to be a pirate, a pilot, a bandit, or a trapper-scout; something exciting and adventurous, where his word—or even just a nod—was enough to make the rules. The river kept his pilot dreams alive, and the cave provided a perfect setting for all those other fantasies.

The cave was an enduring and substantial joy. It was a real cave, not merely a hole, but a subterranean marvel of deep passages and vaulted chambers that led away into bluffs and far down into the earth's black silences, even below the river, some said. For Sam Clemens the cave had a fascination that never faded. Other localities and diversions might pall, but any mention of the cave found him always eager and ready for the three-mile walk or pull that brought them to its mystic door. With its long corridors, its royal chambers hung with stalactites, its remote hiding-places, its possibilities as the home of a gallant outlaw band, it contained everything that a romantic boy could love or long for. In Tom Sawyer Indian Joe dies in the cave. He did not die there in real life, but was lost there once, and was living on bats when they found him. He was a dissolute reprobate, and when, one night, he did die there came up a thunder-storm so terrific that Sam Clemens at home and in bed was certain that Satan had come in person for the half-breed's wicked soul. He covered his head and said his prayers industriously, in the fear that the evil one might conclude to save another trip by taking him along, too.

The cave was a lasting and significant joy. It was a real cave, not just a hole, but an underground wonder filled with deep passages and vaulted chambers that extended into cliffs and far down into the earth's dark silence, even below the river, as people said. For Sam Clemens, the cave held an allure that never faded. Other places and activities might become boring, but any mention of the cave always got him excited and ready for the three-mile walk or pull that led them to its magical entrance. With its long corridors, grand chambers adorned with stalactites, hidden spots, and the thrill of being a potential hideout for a daring outlaw gang, it had everything that a romantic boy could love or desire. In Tom Sawyer, Indian Joe dies in the cave. He didn't actually die there in real life, but he got lost there once and was surviving on bats when they found him. He was a reckless outcast, and one night, when he did die, a thunderstorm so fierce arose that Sam Clemens, at home and in bed, was convinced that the Devil had come personally for the half-breed's wicked soul. He covered his head and prayed fervently, fearing that the evil one might decide to save a trip by taking him along, too.

The treasure-digging adventure in the book had a foundation in fact. There was a tradition concerning some French trappers who long before had established a trading-post two miles above Hannibal, on what is called the “bay.” It is said that, while one of these trappers was out hunting, Indians made a raid on the post and massacred the others. The hunter on returning found his comrades killed and scalped, but the Indians had failed to find the treasure which was buried in a chest. He left it there, swam across to Illinois, and made his way to St. Louis, where he told of the massacre and the burial of the chest of gold. Then he started to raise a party to go back for it, but was taken sick and died. Later some men came up from St. Louis looking for the chest. They did not find it, but they told the circumstances, and afterward a good many people tried to find the gold.

The treasure-hunting adventure in the book was based on true events. There was a story about some French trappers who had set up a trading post two miles north of Hannibal, near what is known as the "bay." It’s said that while one of these trappers was out hunting, the others were attacked and killed by Indians. When the hunter came back, he found his friends dead and scalped, but the Indians hadn’t discovered the treasure buried in a chest. He left it there, swam over to Illinois, and made his way to St. Louis, where he recounted the massacre and the hidden chest of gold. He then tried to gather a group to return for it, but he got sick and died. Later, some men traveled from St. Louis in search of the chest. They didn’t find it, but they shared the story, and afterward, many others attempted to locate the gold.

Tom Blankenship one morning came to Sam Clemens and John Briggs and said he was going to dig up the treasure. He said he had dreamed just where it was, and said if they would go with him and dig he would divide up. The boys had great faith in dreams, especially Tom's dreams. Tom's unlimited freedom gave him a large importance in their eyes. The dreams of a boy like that were pretty sure to mean something. They followed Tom to the place with some shovels and a pick, and he showed them where to dig. Then he sat down under the shade of a papaw-tree and gave orders.

One morning, Tom Blankenship approached Sam Clemens and John Briggs and announced he was going to find the treasure. He claimed he had dreamed about exactly where it was, and if they joined him to dig, he would share the loot. The boys believed strongly in dreams, especially Tom's. Tom's total freedom made him seem really important to them. They figured that the dreams of a guy like him must mean something. They followed Tom to the spot with some shovels and a pick, and he pointed out where to dig. Then, he sat under the shade of a papaw tree and directed them.

They dug nearly all day. Now and then they stopped to rest, and maybe to wonder a little why Tom didn't dig some himself; but, of course, he had done the dreaming, which entitled him to an equal share.

They dug for almost the whole day. Occasionally, they took breaks to rest and maybe to question why Tom didn't dig some himself; but, of course, he had done the dreaming, which gave him the right to an equal share.

They did not find it that day, and when they went back next morning they took two long iron rods; these they would push and drive into the ground until they struck something hard. Then they would dig down to see what it was, but it never turned out to be money. That night the boys declared they would not dig any more. But Tom had another dream. He dreamed the gold was exactly under the little papaw-tree. This sounded so circumstantial that they went back and dug another day. It was hot weather too, August, and that night they were nearly dead. Even Tom gave it up, then. He said there was something about the way they dug, but he never offered to do any digging himself.

They didn’t find it that day, and when they went back the next morning, they brought two long iron rods. They planned to push and drive them into the ground until they hit something hard. Then they'd dig down to see what it was, but it never turned out to be money. That night, the boys decided they wouldn’t dig anymore. But Tom had another dream. He dreamed that the gold was right under the little papaw tree. This seemed so convincing that they went back and dug one more day. It was really hot weather too, August, and that night they were exhausted. Even Tom gave up then. He said there was something off about the way they were digging, but he never offered to dig himself.

This differs considerably from the digging incident in the book, but it gives us an idea of the respect the boys had for the ragamuffin original of Huckleberry Finn.—[Much of the detail in this chapter was furnished to the writer by John Briggs shortly before his death in 1907.]—Tom Blankenship's brother, Ben, was also drawn upon for that creation, at least so far as one important phase of Huck's character is concerned. He was considerably older, as well as more disreputable, than Tom. He was inclined to torment the boys by tying knots in their clothes when they went swimming, or by throwing mud at them when they wanted to come out, and they had no deep love for him. But somewhere in Ben Blankenship there was a fine generous strain of humanity that provided Mark Twain with that immortal episode in the story of Huck Finn—in sheltering the Nigger Jim.

This is quite different from the digging incident in the book, but it gives us an idea of the respect the boys had for the rough-around-the-edges inspiration for Huckleberry Finn.—[Much of the detail in this chapter was provided to the writer by John Briggs shortly before his death in 1907.]—Tom Blankenship's brother, Ben, also contributed to that character, at least in terms of one key aspect of Huck's personality. He was quite a bit older and more disreputable than Tom. He liked to bother the boys by tying knots in their clothes when they went swimming or by throwing mud at them when they wanted to get out, and they certainly didn’t have much affection for him. But somewhere in Ben Blankenship, there was a genuinely generous side that inspired Mark Twain to create that unforgettable moment in Huck Finn's story—in protecting Nigger Jim.

This is the real story:

This is the true story:

A slave ran off from Monroe County, Missouri, and got across the river into Illinois. Ben used to fish and hunt over there in the swamps, and one day found him. It was considered a most worthy act in those days to return a runaway slave; in fact, it was a crime not to do it. Besides, there was for this one a reward of fifty dollars, a fortune to ragged outcast Ben Blankenship. That money and the honor he could acquire must have been tempting to the waif, but it did not outweigh his human sympathy. Instead of giving him up and claiming the reward, Ben kept the runaway over there in the marshes all summer. The negro would fish and Ben would carry him scraps of other food. Then, by and by, it leaked out. Some wood-choppers went on a hunt for the fugitive, and chased him to what was called “Bird Slough.” There trying to cross a drift he was drowned.

A slave escaped from Monroe County, Missouri, and made it across the river into Illinois. Ben used to fish and hunt over there in the swamps, and one day he found him. In those days, it was considered a noble act to return a runaway slave; in fact, it was a crime not to do so. Additionally, there was a reward of fifty dollars for this one, a fortune to the ragged outcast Ben Blankenship. That money and the honor he could gain must have been tempting to him, but it didn't outweigh his human compassion. Instead of turning him in and claiming the reward, Ben kept the runaway hidden in the marshes all summer. The man would fish, and Ben would bring him scraps of food. Eventually, word got out. Some wood-choppers went looking for the fugitive and tracked him to what was called “Bird Slough.” While trying to cross a drift, he drowned.

In the book, the author makes Huck's struggle a psychological one between conscience and the law, on one side, and sympathy on the other. With Ben Blankenship the struggle—if there was a struggle—was probably between sympathy and cupidity. He would care very little for conscience and still less for law. His sympathy with the runaway, however, would be large and elemental, and it must have been very large to offset the lure of that reward.

In the book, the author portrays Huck's struggle as a psychological conflict between his conscience and the law on one side, and his sympathy on the other. For Ben Blankenship, the struggle—if there even was one—was likely between sympathy and greed. He wouldn’t care much about conscience and even less about the law. However, his sympathy for the runaway would be strong and fundamental, and it had to be significant enough to outweigh the temptation of that reward.

There was a gruesome sequel to this incident. Some days following the drowning of the runaway, Sam Clemens, John Briggs, and the Bowen boys went to the spot and were pushing the drift about, when suddenly the negro rose before them, straight and terrible, about half his length out of the water. He had gone down feet foremost, and the loosened drift had released him. The boys did not stop to investigate. They thought he was after them and flew in wild terror, never stopping until they reached human habitation.

There was a horrifying aftermath to this event. A few days after the runaway drowned, Sam Clemens, John Briggs, and the Bowen boys went to the location and were messing with the debris when suddenly the body of the man emerged before them, upright and terrifying, half out of the water. He had gone under feet first, and the shifted debris had released him. The boys didn’t take the time to investigate. They thought he was coming for them and ran away in panic, not stopping until they reached a safe place with other people.

How many gruesome experiences there appear to have been in those early days! In 'The Innocents Abroad' Mark Twain tells of the murdered man he saw one night in his father's office. The man's name was McFarlane. He had been stabbed that day in the old Hudson-McFarlane feud and carried in there to die. Sam Clemens and John Briggs had run away from school and had been sky larking all that day, and knew nothing of the affair. Sam decided that his father's office was safer for him than to face his mother, who was probably sitting up, waiting. He tells us how he lay on the lounge, and how a shape on the floor gradually resolved itself into the outlines of a man; how a square of moonlight from the window approached it and gradually revealed the dead face and the ghastly stabbed breast.

How many horrific experiences there seem to have been in those early days! In 'The Innocents Abroad,' Mark Twain recounts the story of the murdered man he saw one night in his father's office. The man's name was McFarlane. He had been stabbed that day in the old Hudson-McFarlane feud and brought in there to die. Sam Clemens and John Briggs had skipped school and had been goofing off all day, completely unaware of the incident. Sam thought his father's office was a safer place to be than facing his mother, who was likely up, waiting for him. He describes how he lay on the couch, and how a shape on the floor slowly came into focus as the outline of a man; how a square of moonlight from the window moved toward it and gradually revealed the dead face and the horrifying, stabbed chest.

“I went out of there,” he says. “I do not say that I went away in any sort of a hurry, but I simply went; that is sufficient. I went out of the window, and I carried the sash along with me. I did not need the sash, but it was handier to take it than to, leave it, and so I took it. I was not scared, but I was considerably agitated.”

“I left that place,” he says. “I’m not saying I rushed out, but I just left; that’s enough. I went out the window, and I took the window frame with me. I didn’t need the frame, but it was easier to take it than to leave it behind, so I took it. I wasn’t scared, but I was pretty anxious.”

He was not yet twelve, for his father was no longer alive when the boy reached that age. Certainly these were disturbing, haunting things. Then there was the case of the drunken tramp in the calaboose to whom the boys kind-heartedly enough carried food and tobacco. Sam Clemens spent some of his precious money to buy the tramp a box of Lucifer matches—a brand new invention then, scarce and high. The tramp started a fire with the matches and burned down the calaboose, himself in it. For weeks the boy was tortured, awake and in his dreams, by the thought that if he had not carried the man the matches the tragedy could not have happened. Remorse was always Samuel Clemens's surest punishment. To his last days on earth he never outgrew its pangs.

He wasn't even twelve yet, since his father had passed away by the time the boy turned that age. These were certainly disturbing and haunting events. Then there was the case of the drunken homeless man in jail, whom the boys kindly brought food and tobacco. Sam Clemens spent some of his precious money to buy the homeless man a box of Lucifer matches—a brand new invention at that time, rare and expensive. The man used the matches to start a fire and ended up burning down the jail with himself inside. For weeks, the boy was tormented, both awake and in his dreams, by the thought that if he hadn't given the man the matches, the tragedy wouldn't have happened. Remorse was always Samuel Clemens's greatest punishment. Until his final days, he never escaped its pain.

What a number of things crowded themselves into a few brief years! It is not easy to curtail these boyhood adventures of Sam Clemens and his scapegrace friends, but one might go on indefinitely with their mad doings. They were an unpromising lot. Ministers and other sober-minded citizens freely prophesied sudden and violent ends for them, and considered them hardly worth praying for. They must have proven a disappointing lot to those prophets. The Bowen boys became fine river-pilots; Will Pitts was in due time a leading merchant and bank director; John Briggs grew into a well-to-do and highly respected farmer; even Huck Finn—that is to say, Tom Blankenship—is reputed to have ranked as an honored citizen and justice of the peace in a Western town. But in those days they were a riotous, fun-loving band with little respect for order and even less for ordinance.

So many things happened in just a few short years! It's not easy to sum up the boyhood adventures of Sam Clemens and his wild friends, but one could go on forever about their crazy antics. They were a pretty unlikely group. Ministers and other serious people often predicted they would meet sudden and violent ends and thought they weren’t worth praying for. Those predictions must have been disappointing. The Bowen boys became skilled river pilots; Will Pitts eventually became a successful merchant and bank director; John Briggs became a well-to-do and respected farmer; even Huck Finn—Tom Blankenship—was said to have become a respected citizen and justice of the peace in a Western town. But back then, they were a rowdy, fun-loving crew with little respect for rules and even less for laws.





XIII. THE GENTLER SIDE

His associations were not all of that lawless breed. At his school (he had sampled several places of learning, and was now at Mr. Cross's on the Square) were a number of less adventurous, even if not intrinsically better playmates. There was George Robards, the Latin scholar, and John, his brother, a handsome boy, who rode away at last with his father into the sunset, to California, his golden curls flying in the wind. And there was Jimmy McDaniel, a kind-hearted boy whose company was worth while, because his father was a confectioner, and he used to bring candy and cake to school. Also there was Buck Brown, a rival speller, and John Meredith, the doctor's son, and John Garth, who was one day to marry little Helen Kercheval, and in the end would be remembered and honored with a beautiful memorial building not far from the site of the old school.

His friends weren’t all from that wild crowd. At his school (he had tried out several places and was now at Mr. Cross's on the Square) were some less daring, though not necessarily better companions. There was George Robards, the Latin expert, and his brother John, a good-looking kid who eventually rode off with their dad into the sunset, heading to California, his golden curls blowing in the wind. Then there was Jimmy McDaniel, a kind-hearted boy whose company was enjoyable because his dad was a candy maker, and he would bring sweets and cakes to school. Also, there was Buck Brown, a spelling rival, John Meredith, the doctor's son, and John Garth, who would one day marry little Helen Kercheval and ultimately be remembered with a beautiful memorial building not far from the old school site.

Furthermore, there were a good many girls. Tom Sawyer had an impressionable heart, and Sam Clemens no less so. There was Bettie Ormsley, and Artemisia Briggs, and Jennie Brady; also Mary Miller, who was nearly twice his age and gave him his first broken heart.

Furthermore, there were quite a few girls. Tom Sawyer had a sensitive heart, and so did Sam Clemens. There was Bettie Ormsley, Artemisia Briggs, and Jennie Brady; also Mary Miller, who was almost twice his age and was the cause of his first broken heart.

“I believe I was as miserable as a grown man could be,” he said once, remembering.

“I think I was as miserable as a grown man could be,” he said one time, recalling.

Tom Sawyer had heart sorrows too, and we may imagine that his emotions at such times were the emotions of Sam Clemens, say at the age of ten.

Tom Sawyer had heartaches too, and we can imagine that his feelings during those times were similar to what Sam Clemens felt when he was about ten.

But, as Tom Sawyer had one faithful sweetheart, so did he. They were one and the same. Becky Thatcher in the book was Laura Hawkins in reality. The acquaintance of these two had begun when the Hawkins family moved into the Virginia house on the corner of Hill and Main streets.—[The Hawkins family in real life bore no resemblance to the family of that name in The Gilded Age. Judge Hawkins of The Gilded Age, as already noted, was John Clemens. Mark Twain used the name Hawkins, also the name of his boyhood sweetheart, Laura, merely for old times' sake, and because in portraying the childhood of Laura Hawkins he had a picture of the real Laura in his mind.]—The Clemens family was then in the new home across the way, and the children were soon acquainted. The boy could be tender and kind, and was always gentle in his treatment of the other sex. They visited back and forth, especially around the new house, where there were nice pieces of boards and bricks for play-houses. So they played “keeping house,” and if they did not always agree well, since the beginning of the world sweethearts have not always agreed, even in Arcady. Once when they were building a house—and there may have been some difference of opinion as to its architecture—the boy happened to let a brick fall on the little girl's finger. If there had been any disagreement it vanished instantly with that misfortune. He tried to comfort her and soothe the pain; then he wept with her and suffered most of the two, no doubt. So, you see, he was just a little boy, after all, even though he was already chief of a red-handed band, the “Black Avengers of the Spanish Main.”

But just as Tom Sawyer had one loyal sweetheart, so did he. They were the same person. Becky Thatcher in the book was actually Laura Hawkins. The friendship between these two began when the Hawkins family moved into the Virginia house at the corner of Hill and Main streets.—[The Hawkins family in real life had no connection to the family of that name in The Gilded Age. Judge Hawkins in The Gilded Age, as noted earlier, was John Clemens. Mark Twain used the name Hawkins, which was also the name of his childhood sweetheart, Laura, simply for nostalgia, and because when he portrayed the childhood of Laura Hawkins, he had a vivid image of the real Laura in his mind.]—The Clemens family was living in the new home across the street, and the kids quickly became friends. The boy could be sweet and kind, and he was always gentle with girls. They visited each other a lot, especially around the new house, where there were great pieces of wood and bricks for building playhouses. So they played “house,” and even though they didn’t always see eye to eye—sweethearts have never always agreed, not even in Arcadia. Once, while they were building a house—and there might have been some disagreement about its design—the boy accidentally dropped a brick on the little girl's finger. If there had been any argument, it disappeared instantly with that accident. He tried to comfort her and ease her pain; then he cried with her and suffered more than she did, for sure. So, you see, he was just a little boy, after all, even though he was already the leader of a fierce group known as the “Black Avengers of the Spanish Main.”

He was always a tender-hearted lad. He would never abuse an animal, unless, as in the Pain-killer incident, his tendency to pranking ran away with him. He had indeed a genuine passion for cats; summers when he went to the farm he never failed to take his cat in a basket. When he ate, it sat in a chair beside him at the table. His sympathy included inanimate things as well. He loved flowers—not as the embryo botanist or gardener, but as a personal friend. He pitied the dead leaf and the murmuring dried weed of November because their brief lives were ended, and they would never know the summer again, or grow glad with another spring. His heart went out to them; to the river and the sky, the sunlit meadow and the drifted hill. That his observation of all nature was minute and accurate is shown everywhere in his writing; but it was never the observation of a young naturalist it was the subconscious observation of sympathetic love.

He was always a kind-hearted guy. He would never hurt an animal, except for that one time during the Pain-killer incident, when his love for pranks got the better of him. He truly loved cats; every summer, when he went to the farm, he made sure to bring his cat in a basket. When he ate, his cat would sit in a chair next to him at the table. His compassion extended to inanimate objects too. He loved flowers—not as an aspiring botanist or gardener, but as a personal friend. He felt sorry for the dead leaves and the whispering dried weeds of November because their short lives were over, and they would never experience summer again or enjoy another spring. He empathized with them, as well as with the river and the sky, the sunlit meadow and the rolling hills. His detailed and precise observations of nature are evident throughout his writing, but it was never just the observation of a young naturalist; it was the instinctive observation of loving sympathy.

We are wandering away from his school-days. They were brief enough and came rapidly to an end. They will not hold us long. Undoubtedly Tom Sawyer's distaste for school and his excuses for staying at home—usually some pretended illness—have ample foundation in the boyhood of Sam Clemens. His mother punished him and pleaded with him, alternately. He detested school as he detested nothing else on earth, even going to church. “Church ain't worth shucks,” said Tom Sawyer, but it was better than school.

We're drifting away from his school days. They were short and ended quickly. They won't keep us for long. For sure, Tom Sawyer's dislike for school and his excuses for staying home—usually some made-up illness—have deep roots in Sam Clemens' childhood. His mom would punish him and plead with him at the same time. He hated school more than anything else on earth, even more than going to church. “Church isn't worth anything,” said Tom Sawyer, but it was still better than school.

As already noted, the school of Mr. Cross stood in or near what is now the Square in Hannibal. The Square was only a grove then, grown up with plum, hazel, and vine—a rare place for children. At recess and the noon hour the children climbed trees, gathered flowers, and swung in grape-vine swings. There was a spelling-bee every Friday afternoon, for Sam the only endurable event of the school exercises. He could hold the floor at spelling longer than Buck Brown. This was spectacular and showy; it invited compliments even from Mr. Cross, whose name must have been handed down by angels, it fitted him so well. One day Sam Clemens wrote on his slate:

As mentioned before, Mr. Cross's school was located in or near what is now the Square in Hannibal. Back then, the Square was just a grove filled with plum, hazel, and vine—a perfect playground for kids. During recess and lunch, the kids climbed trees, picked flowers, and swung on grapevine swings. Every Friday afternoon, there was a spelling bee, which for Sam was the only tolerable part of the school's activities. He could spell longer than Buck Brown. It was impressive and flashy; it even got compliments from Mr. Cross, whose name seemed like it was given to him by angels, it suited him so well. One day, Sam Clemens wrote on his slate:

       Cross by name and cross by nature
       Cross jumped over an Irish potato.
       Cross by name and cross by nature  
       Cross jumped over an Irish potato.

He showed this to John Briggs, who considered it a stroke of genius. He urged the author to write it on the board at noon, but the poet's ambition did not go so far.

He showed this to John Briggs, who thought it was a brilliant idea. He urged the author to write it on the board at noon, but the poet's ambition didn't reach that far.

“Oh, pshaw!” said John. “I wouldn't be afraid to do it.

“Oh, come on!” said John. “I wouldn't be scared to do it.

“I dare you to do it,” said Sam.

“I dare you to do it,” Sam said.

John Briggs never took a dare, and at noon, when Mr. Cross was at home at dinner, he wrote flamingly the descriptive couplet. When the teacher returned and “books” were called he looked steadily at John Briggs. He had recognized the penmanship.

John Briggs never backed down from a dare, and at noon, while Mr. Cross was home for lunch, he wrote a bold couplet. When the teacher returned and called for the "books," he stared intently at John Briggs. He had recognized the handwriting.

“Did you do that?” he asked, ominously.

“Did you do that?” he asked, in a foreboding tone.

It was a time for truth.

It was a time for honesty.

“Yes, sir,” said John.

“Got it, sir,” said John.

“Come here!” And John came, and paid for his exploitation of genius heavily. Sam Clemens expected that the next call would be for “author,” but for some reason the investigation ended there. It was unusual for him to escape. His back generally kept fairly warm from one “frailing” to the next.

“Come here!” John responded and faced significant consequences for taking advantage of his talent. Sam Clemens thought the next request would be for “author,” but for some reason, the inquiry stopped there. It was rare for him to get away unscathed. He usually felt the pressure from one setback to the next.

His rewards were not all of a punitive nature. There were two medals in the school, one for spelling, the other for amiability. They were awarded once a week, and the holders wore them about the neck conspicuously, and were envied accordingly. John Robards—he of the golden curls—wore almost continuously the medal for amiability, while Sam Clemens had a mortgage on the medal for spelling. Sometimes they traded, to see how it would seem, but the master discouraged this practice by taking the medals away from them for the remainder of the week. Once Sam Clemens lost the medal by leaving the first “r” out of February. He could have spelled it backward, if necessary; but Laura Hawkins was the only one on the floor against him, and he was a gallant boy.

His rewards weren't all about punishment. At the school, there were two medals: one for spelling and the other for being friendly. They were given out once a week, and the winners wore them around their necks proudly, attracting envy from others. John Robards—the one with the golden curls—often wore the medal for friendliness, while Sam Clemens consistently held the spelling medal. Sometimes they swapped medals to see how it felt, but the teacher stopped this by taking the medals away from them for the rest of the week. Once, Sam Clemens lost his medal because he forgot to include the first “r” in February. He could have spelled it backward if he needed to, but Laura Hawkins was the only one competing against him, and he wanted to be a noble boy.

The picture of that school as presented in the book written thirty years later is faithful, we may believe, and the central figure is a tender-hearted, romantic, devil-may-care lad, loathing application and longing only for freedom. It was a boon which would come to him sooner even than he had dreamed.

The depiction of that school in the book written thirty years later is likely accurate, and the main character is a sensitive, dreamy, carefree young guy who hates hard work and only wants to be free. That freedom would come to him even sooner than he had imagined.





XIV. THE PASSING OF JOHN CLEMENS

Judge Clemens, who time and again had wrecked or crippled his fortune by devices more or less unusual, now adopted the one unfailing method of achieving disaster. He endorsed a large note, for a man of good repute, and the payment of it swept him clean: home, property, everything vanished again. The St. Louis cousin took over the home and agreed to let the family occupy it on payment of a small interest; but after an attempt at housekeeping with a few scanty furnishings and Pamela's piano—all that had been saved from the wreck—they moved across the street into a portion of the Virginia house, then occupied by a Dr. Grant. The Grants proposed that the Clemens family move over and board them, a welcome arrangement enough at this time.

Judge Clemens, who repeatedly ruined or hampered his fortune with more or less unusual methods, now chose the one guaranteed way to create disaster. He endorsed a large loan for a reputable man, and the repayment wiped him out completely: home, property, everything disappeared again. The St. Louis cousin took over the house and agreed to let the family stay there for a small interest payment; but after a try at managing a household with just a few sparse furnishings and Pamela's piano—all that had been salvaged from the wreck—they moved across the street into a part of the Virginia house, at that time occupied by Dr. Grant. The Grants suggested that the Clemens family move in and board with them, a welcome arrangement at this point.

Judge Clemens had still a hope left. The clerkship of the Surrogate Court was soon to be filled by election. It was an important remunerative office, and he was regarded as the favorite candidate for the position. His disaster had aroused general sympathy, and his nomination and election were considered sure. He took no chances; he made a canvass on horseback from house to house, often riding through rain and the chill of fall, acquiring a cough which was hard to overcome. He was elected by a heavy majority, and it was believed he could hold the office as long as he chose. There seemed no further need of worry. As soon as he was installed in office they would live in style becoming their social position. About the end of February he rode to Palmyra to be sworn in. Returning he was drenched by a storm of rain and sleet, arriving at last half frozen. His system was in no condition to resist such a shock. Pneumonia followed; physicians came with torments of plasters and allopathic dosings that brought no relief. Orion returned from St. Louis to assist in caring for him, and sat by his bed, encouraging him and reading to him, but it was evident that he grew daily weaker. Now and then he became cheerful and spoke of the Tennessee land as the seed of a vast fortune that must surely flower at last. He uttered no regrets, no complaints. Once only he said:

Judge Clemens still had a glimmer of hope. The clerk position of the Surrogate Court was about to be filled by election. It was an important and well-paying job, and he was seen as the top candidate for the role. His setback had sparked widespread sympathy, and his nomination and victory were considered guaranteed. He didn't take any chances; he campaigned on horseback from house to house, often riding through the rain and the chilly fall weather, which left him with a cough that was hard to shake. He won by a large majority, and people believed he could keep the office for as long as he wanted. There seemed to be no reason to worry anymore. Once he was in office, they would live in a style appropriate for their social standing. In late February, he rode to Palmyra to be sworn in. On his way back, he was soaked by a storm of rain and sleet, arriving home half-frozen. His body wasn't in good shape to handle such a shock. Pneumonia set in; doctors came with painful plasters and allopathic treatments that gave him no relief. Orion returned from St. Louis to help care for him, sitting by his bedside, encouraging him and reading to him, but it was clear he was getting weaker each day. Occasionally, he became cheerful and talked about the Tennessee land as the starting point for a great fortune that would surely blossom eventually. He expressed no regrets or complaints. Once, he said:

“I believe if I had stayed in Tennessee I might have been worth twenty thousand dollars to-day.”

"I think if I had stayed in Tennessee, I could've been worth twenty thousand dollars today."

On the morning of the 24th of March, 1847, it was evident that he could not live many hours. He was very weak. When he spoke, now and then, it was of the land. He said it would soon make them all rich and happy.

On the morning of March 24, 1847, it was clear that he wouldn’t last many hours. He was extremely weak. When he spoke, occasionally, it was about the land. He said it would soon make them all wealthy and happy.

“Cling to the land,” he whispered. “Cling to the land, and wait. Let nothing beguile it away from you.”

“Hold on to the land,” he whispered. “Hold on to the land, and wait. Don’t let anything lure it away from you.”

A little later he beckoned to Pamela, now a lovely girl of nineteen, and, putting his arm about her neck, kissed her for the first time in years.

A little later, he called for Pamela, now a beautiful girl of nineteen, and, putting his arm around her neck, kissed her for the first time in years.

“Let me die,” he said.

“Let me die,” he said.

He never spoke after that. A little more, and the sad, weary life that had lasted less than forty-nine years was ended: A dreamer and a moralist, an upright man honored by all, he had never been a financier. He ended life with less than he had begun.

He never spoke after that. A bit more, and the sad, tired life that had lasted less than forty-nine years was over: A dreamer and a moralist, a decent man respected by everyone, he had never been a businessman. He left this life with less than he had started with.





XV. A YOUNG BEN FRANKLIN

For a third time death had entered the Clemens home: not only had it brought grief now, but it had banished the light of new fortune from the very threshold. The disaster seemed complete.

For a third time, death had entered the Clemens home: not only had it brought sorrow now, but it had also taken away the hope of new beginnings from right at the door. The tragedy felt total.

The children were dazed. Judge Clemens had been a distant, reserved man, but they had loved him, each in his own way, and they had honored his uprightness and nobility of purpose. Mrs. Clemens confided to a neighbor that, in spite of his manner, her husband had been always warm-hearted, with a deep affection for his family. They remembered that he had never returned from a journey without bringing each one some present, however trifling. Orion, looking out of his window next morning, saw old Abram Kurtz, and heard him laugh. He wondered how anybody could still laugh.

The children were in shock. Judge Clemens had always been a distant, reserved man, but they had loved him, each in their own way, and they had respected his integrity and noble intentions. Mrs. Clemens told a neighbor that, despite his demeanor, her husband had always been warm-hearted and deeply affectionate towards his family. They remembered that he never came back from a trip without bringing each of them a gift, no matter how small. The next morning, Orion looked out of his window and saw old Abram Kurtz laughing. He wondered how anyone could still find a reason to laugh.

The boy Sam was fairly broken down. Remorse, which always dealt with him unsparingly, laid a heavy hand on him now. Wildness, disobedience, indifference to his father's wishes, all were remembered; a hundred things, in themselves trifling, became ghastly and heart-wringing in the knowledge that they could never be undone. Seeing his grief, his mother took him by the hand and led him into the room where his father lay.

The boy Sam was pretty broken up. Guilt, which always hit him hard, weighed heavily on him now. His wildness, disobedience, and indifference to his father's wishes all came back to him; a hundred little things suddenly felt dreadful and heartbreaking knowing they could never be fixed. Seeing his pain, his mother took his hand and led him into the room where his father was.

“It is all right, Sammy,” she said. “What's done is done, and it does not matter to him any more; but here by the side of him now I want you to promise me——”

“It’s okay, Sammy,” she said. “What’s done is done, and it doesn’t matter to him anymore; but right here next to him now, I want you to promise me——”

He turned, his eyes streaming with tears, and flung himself into her arms.

He turned, tears streaming down his face, and threw himself into her arms.

“I will promise anything,” he sobbed, “if you won't make me go to school! Anything!”

“I'll promise you anything,” he cried, “if you don't make me go to school! Anything!”

His mother held him for a moment, thinking, then she said:

His mother hugged him for a moment, deep in thought, then she said:

“No, Sammy; you need not go to school any more. Only promise me to be a better boy. Promise not to break my heart.”

“No, Sammy; you don’t need to go to school anymore. Just promise me you’ll be a better boy. Promise me you won’t break my heart.”

So he promised her to be a faithful and industrious man, and upright, like his father. His mother was satisfied with that. The sense of honor and justice was already strong within him. To him a promise was a serious matter at any time; made under conditions like these it would be held sacred.

So he promised her he would be a loyal and hardworking man, and honest, like his father. His mother was pleased with that. The sense of honor and fairness was already strong within him. For him, a promise was serious at any time; made under circumstances like these, it would be respected.

That night—it was after the funeral—his tendency to somnambulism manifested itself. His mother and sister, who were sleeping together, saw the door open and a form in white enter. Naturally nervous at such a time, and living in a day of almost universal superstition, they were terrified and covered their heads. Presently a hand was laid on the coverlet, first at the foot, then at the head of the bed. A thought struck Mrs. Clemens:

That night—after the funeral—he started sleepwalking. His mother and sister, who were sharing a bed, saw the door open and a figure in white come in. Naturally on edge after everything that had happened, and living in a time full of superstitions, they were scared and pulled the covers over their heads. Soon, a hand rested on the bedspread, first at the foot and then at the head of the bed. A thought occurred to Mrs. Clemens:

“Sam!” she said.

“Sam!” she exclaimed.

He answered, but he was sound asleep and fell to the floor. He had risen and thrown a sheet around him in his dreams. He walked in his sleep several nights in succession after that. Then he slept more soundly.

He responded, but he was fast asleep and collapsed onto the floor. He had gotten up and wrapped a sheet around himself in his dreams. He sleepwalked several nights in a row after that. Then, he slept even more deeply.

Orion returned to St. Louis. He was a very good book and job printer by this time and received a salary of ten dollars a week (high wages in those frugal days), of which he sent three dollars weekly to the family. Pamela, who had acquired a considerable knowledge of the piano and guitar, went to the town of Paris, in Monroe County, about fifty miles away, and taught a class of music pupils, contributing whatever remained after paying for her board and clothing to the family fund. It was a hard task for the girl, for she was timid and not over-strong; but she was resolute and patient, and won success. Pamela Clemens was a noble character and deserves a fuller history than can be afforded in this work.

Orion returned to St. Louis. By then, he was a skilled book and job printer and earned a salary of ten dollars a week (decent pay for those frugal times), of which he sent three dollars home to the family. Pamela, who had gained a good amount of skill on the piano and guitar, went to Paris, a town in Monroe County about fifty miles away, to teach a music class. She contributed whatever was left after paying for her board and clothes to the family fund. It was a tough job for her because she was shy and not very strong, but she was determined and patient, and she found success. Pamela Clemens was a wonderful person and deserves a more detailed story than this work can provide.

Mrs. Clemens and her son Samuel now had a sober talk, and, realizing that the printing trade offered opportunity for acquiring further education as well as a livelihood, they agreed that he should be apprenticed to Joseph P. Ament, who had lately moved from Palmyra to Hannibal and bought a weekly Democrat paper, the Missouri Courier. The apprentice terms were not over-liberal. They were the usual thing for that time: board and clothes—“more board than clothes, and not much of either,” Mark Twain used to say.

Mrs. Clemens and her son Samuel had a serious conversation and recognized that the printing trade could provide both a way to earn a living and opportunities for further education. They decided he should become an apprentice to Joseph P. Ament, who had recently moved from Palmyra to Hannibal and bought a weekly newspaper, the Missouri Courier. The apprenticeship terms weren't very generous. They were typical for that time: food and clothes—“more food than clothes, and not much of either,” Mark Twain would say.

“I was supposed to get two suits of clothes a year, like a nigger, but I didn't get them. I got one suit and took the rest out in Ament's old garments, which didn't fit me in any noticeable way. I was only about half as big as he was, and when I had on one of his shirts I felt as if I had on a circus tent. I had to turn the trousers up to my ears to make them short enough.”

“I was supposed to get two sets of clothes a year, like everyone else, but I didn’t get them. I got one outfit and took the rest in Ament’s old clothes, which didn’t fit me at all. I was only about half his size, and when I wore one of his shirts, it felt like I was wearing a circus tent. I had to roll the pants up to my ears to make them short enough.”

There was another apprentice, a young fellow of about eighteen, named Wales McCormick, a devilish fellow and a giant. Ament's clothes were too small for Wales, but he had to wear them, and Sam Clemens and Wales McCormick together, fitted out with Ament's clothes, must have been a picturesque pair. There was also, for a time, a boy named Ralph; but he appears to have presented no features of a striking sort, and the memory of him has become dim.

There was another apprentice, a young guy around eighteen, named Wales McCormick, a spirited character and a giant. Ament's clothes were way too small for Wales, but he had to wear them anyway, and Sam Clemens and Wales McCormick, both dressed in Ament's clothes, must have made quite a sight together. There was also a boy named Ralph for a while, but he didn’t stand out in any significant way, and memories of him have faded.

The apprentices ate in the kitchen at first, served by the old slave-cook and her handsome mulatto daughter; but those printer's “devils” made it so lively there that in due time they were promoted to the family table, where they sat with Mr. and Mrs. Ament and the one journeyman, Pet McMurry—a name that in itself was an inspiration. What those young scamps did not already know Pet McMurry could teach them. Sam Clemens had promised to be a good boy, and he was, by the standards of boyhood. He was industrious, regular at his work, quick to learn, kind, and truthful. Angels could hardly be more than that in a printing-office; but when food was scarce even an angel—a young printer angel—could hardly resist slipping down the cellar stairs at night for raw potatoes, onions, and apples which they carried into the office, where the boys slept on a pallet on the floor, and this forage they cooked on the office stove. Wales especially had a way of cooking a potato that his associate never forgot.

The apprentices initially ate in the kitchen, served by the elderly cook and her attractive mixed-race daughter; but those printer "devils" made the atmosphere so lively that eventually, they were promoted to the family table, where they sat with Mr. and Mrs. Ament and the journeyman, Pet McMurry—a name that itself was inspiring. Whatever those young troublemakers didn’t already know, Pet McMurry could teach them. Sam Clemens had promised to behave, and he did, by the standards of boyhood. He was hardworking, punctual, quick to learn, kind, and honest. Angels could hardly measure up to that in a printing shop; but when food was scarce, even an angel—a young printer angel—could hardly resist sneaking down to the cellar at night for raw potatoes, onions, and apples, which they smuggled into the office, where the boys slept on a pallet on the floor, cooking their finds on the office stove. Wales especially had a unique way of cooking a potato that his colleagues never forgot.

It is unfortunate that no photographic portrait has been preserved of Sam Clemens at this period. But we may imagine him from a letter which, long years after, Pet McMurry wrote to Mark Twain. He said:

It’s a shame that no photographic portrait of Sam Clemens from this time has been kept. But we can picture him based on a letter that Pet McMurry wrote to Mark Twain many years later. He said:

    If your memory extends so far back, you will recall a little sandy-
    haired boy—[The color of Mark Twain's hair in early life has been
    variously referred to as red, black, and brown. It was, in fact, as
    stated by McMurry, “sandy” in boyhood, deepening later to that rich,
    mahogany tone known as auburn.]—of nearly a quarter of a century
    ago, in the printing-office at Hannibal, over the Brittingham
    drugstore, mounted upon a little box at the case, pulling away at a
    huge cigar or a diminutive pipe, who used to love to sing so well
    the expression of the poor drunken man who was supposed to have
    fallen by the wayside: “If ever I get up again, I'll stay up—if I
    kin.”... Do you recollect any of the serious conflicts that
    mirth-loving brain of yours used to get you into with that
    diminutive creature Wales McCormick—how you used to call upon me to
    hold your cigar or pipe, whilst you went entirely through him?
If your memory goes back that far, you might remember a little sandy-haired boy—[The color of Mark Twain's hair in his early years has been described as red, black, and brown. It was, in fact, as noted by McMurry, “sandy” in childhood, deepening later to that rich, mahogany tone known as auburn.]—from nearly twenty-five years ago, in the printing shop in Hannibal, above the Brittingham drugstore, standing on a small box at the typesetting case, puffing on a big cigar or a tiny pipe, who loved to sing so well the words of the poor drunk man who allegedly fell by the wayside: “If I ever get up again, I'll stay up—if I can.”... Do you remember any of the serious conflicts that your fun-loving mind used to get you into with that little guy Wales McCormick—how you would ask me to hold your cigar or pipe while you completely dealt with him?

This is good testimony, without doubt. When he had been with Ament little more than a year Sam had become office favorite and chief standby. Whatever required intelligence and care and imagination was given to Sam Clemens. He could set type as accurately and almost as rapidly as Pet McMurry; he could wash up the forms a good deal better than Pet; and he could run the job-press to the tune of “Annie Laurie” or “Along the Beach at Rockaway,” without missing a stroke or losing a finger. Sometimes, at odd moments, he would “set up” one of the popular songs or some favorite poem like “The Blackberry Girl,” and of these he sent copies printed on cotton, even on scraps of silk, to favorite girl friends; also to Puss Quarles, on his uncle's farm, where he seldom went now, because he was really grown up, associating with men and doing a man's work. He had charge of the circulation—which is to say, he carried the papers. During the last year of the Mexican War, when a telegraph-wire found its way across the Mississippi to Hannibal—a long sagging span, that for some reason did not break of its own weight—he was given charge of the extras with news from the front; and the burning importance of his mission, the bringing of news hot from the field of battle, spurred him to endeavors that won plaudits and success.

This is definitely good evidence. After being with Ament for just over a year, Sam had become the office favorite and the go-to person. Anything that needed intelligence, care, and creativity was assigned to Sam Clemens. He could set type as accurately and almost as quickly as Pet McMurry; he could clean the forms much better than Pet; and he could run the job press while playing “Annie Laurie” or “Along the Beach at Rockaway,” without missing a beat or losing a finger. Sometimes, during spare moments, he would print one of the popular songs or a favorite poem like “The Blackberry Girl,” and send copies printed on cotton, or even scraps of silk, to his favorite girl friends; also to Puss Quarles, at his uncle's farm, where he rarely went now because he was truly grown up, hanging out with men and doing a man's job. He managed the circulation—which means he delivered the papers. During the last year of the Mexican War, when a telegraph wire connected across the Mississippi to Hannibal—a long sagging span that, for some reason, didn’t collapse under its own weight—he was put in charge of the extras with news from the front lines; and the critical importance of his mission, delivering news straight from the battlefield, motivated him to efforts that earned him praise and success.

He became a sort of subeditor. When the forms of the paper were ready to close and Ament was needed to supply more matter, it was Sam who was delegated to find that rather uncertain and elusive person and labor with him until the required copy was produced. Thus it was he saw literature in the making.

He became a kind of subeditor. When the paper was getting ready to go to print and they needed Ament to provide more material, it was Sam who was chosen to track down that somewhat unreliable and hard-to-reach person and work with him until they had the necessary copy. That’s how he witnessed literature being created.

It is not believed that Sam had any writing ambitions of his own. His chief desire was to be an all-round journeyman printer like Pet McMurry; to drift up and down the world in Pet's untrammeled fashion; to see all that Pet had seen and a number of things which Pet appeared to have overlooked. He varied on occasion from this ambition. When the first negro minstrel show visited Hannibal and had gone, he yearned for a brief period to be a magnificent “middle man” or even the “end-man” of that combination; when the circus came and went, he dreamed of the day when, a capering frescoed clown, he would set crowded tiers of spectators guffawing at his humor; when the traveling hypnotist arrived, he volunteered as a subject, and amazed the audience by the marvel of his performance.

Sam didn't seem to have any writing ambitions of his own. His main desire was to be a well-rounded journeyman printer like Pet McMurry; to wander through life in the unrestrained way that Pet did; to experience everything Pet had seen and a few things Pet seemed to miss. Occasionally, he strayed from this ambition. When the first Black minstrel show came to Hannibal and left, he briefly wanted to be a fantastic “middle man” or even the “end-man” of that group; when the circus came and went, he fantasized about being a colorful clown, making the packed audience laugh at his antics; when the traveling hypnotist arrived, he volunteered as a subject and wowed the audience with his performance.

In later life he claimed that he had not been hypnotized in any degree, but had been pretending throughout—a statement always denied by his mother and his brother Orion. This dispute was never settled, and never could be. Sam Clemens's tendency to somnambulism would seem to suggest that he really might have taken on a hypnotic condition, while his consummate skill as an actor, then and always, and his early fondness of exhibition and a joke, would make it not unlikely that he was merely “showing off” and having his fun. He could follow the dictates of a vivid imagination and could be as outrageous as he chose without incurring responsibility of any sort. But there was a penalty: he must allow pins and needles to be thrust into his flesh and suffer these tortures without showing discomfort to the spectators. It is difficult to believe that any boy, however great his exhibitory passion, could permit, in the full possession of his sensibilities, a needle to be thrust deeply into his flesh without manifestations of a most unmesmeric sort. The conclusion seems warranted that he began by pretending, but that at times he was at least under semi-mesmeric control. At all events, he enjoyed a week of dazzling triumph, though in the end he concluded to stick to printing as a trade.

In later life, he claimed that he hadn't been hypnotized at all but had been pretending the whole time—a statement that his mother and brother Orion always denied. This argument was never resolved, and it likely never could be. Sam Clemens's tendency to sleepwalk suggests that he might have genuinely entered a hypnotic state, while his incredible acting skills, both then and always, combined with his early love for showmanship and humor, make it just as likely that he was simply “showing off” and having fun. He could follow the impulses of a vivid imagination and be as outrageous as he wanted without facing any consequences. But there was a price: he had to let pins and needles be jabbed into his skin and endure the pain without showing any discomfort to the audience. It’s hard to believe that any boy, no matter how much he loved to perform, could allow a needle to be pushed deeply into his flesh without showing signs of extreme discomfort. The conclusion seems reasonable that he started off pretending, but at times, he was at least under some level of hypnotic control. In any case, he experienced a week of stunning success, but ultimately he decided to stick with printing as his profession.

We have said that he was a rapid learner and a neat workman. At Ament's he generally had a daily task, either of composition or press-work, after which he was free. When he had got the hang of his work he was usually done by three in the afternoon; then away to the river or the cave, as in the old days, sometimes with his boy friends, sometimes with Laura Hawkins gathering wild columbine on that high cliff overlooking the river, Lover's Leap.

We mentioned that he was a quick learner and a tidy worker. At Ament's, he usually had a daily assignment, either writing or printing, after which he was free. Once he got the hang of his work, he often finished by three in the afternoon; then he would head to the river or the cave, just like in the old days, sometimes with his guy friends, sometimes with Laura Hawkins, picking wild columbine on that high cliff overlooking the river, Lover's Leap.

He was becoming quite a beau, attending parties on occasion, where old-fashioned games—Forfeits, Ring-around-a-Rosy, Dusty Miller, and the like—were regarded as rare amusements. He was a favorite with girls of his own age. He was always good-natured, though he played jokes on them, too, and was often a severe trial. He was with Laura Hawkins more than the others, usually her escort. On Saturday afternoons in winter he carried her skates to Bear Creek and helped her to put them on. After which they skated “partners,” holding hands tightly, and were a likely pair of children, no doubt. In The Gilded Age Laura Hawkins at twelve is pictured “with her dainty hands propped into the ribbon-bordered pockets of her apron... a vision to warm the coldest heart and bless and cheer the saddest.” The author had the real Laura of his childhood in his mind when he wrote that, though the story itself bears no resemblance to her life.

He was becoming quite the charming young man, attending parties occasionally, where old-fashioned games—Forfeits, Ring-around-a-Rosy, Dusty Miller, and the like—were considered rare fun. He was popular with girls his age. He was always good-natured, although he played pranks on them too, which could be quite challenging. He spent more time with Laura Hawkins than the others, usually acting as her escort. On Saturday afternoons in winter, he would carry her skates to Bear Creek and help her put them on. After that, they skated as partners, holding hands tightly, and they were a cute pair of kids, no doubt. In The Gilded Age, Laura Hawkins at twelve is described “with her dainty hands propped into the ribbon-bordered pockets of her apron... a vision to warm the coldest heart and bless and cheer the saddest.” The author had the real Laura from his childhood in his mind when he wrote that, although the story itself doesn’t resemble her life at all.

They were never really sweethearts, those two. They were good friends and comrades. Sometimes he brought her magazines—exchanges from the printing—office—Godey's and others. These were a treat, for such things were scarce enough. He cared little for reading, himself, beyond a few exciting tales, though the putting into type of a good deal of miscellaneous matter had beyond doubt developed in him a taste for general knowledge. It needed only to be awakened.

They were never really a couple, those two. They were good friends and teammates. Sometimes he brought her magazines—leftovers from the printing office—like Godey's and others. These were a treat since such things were pretty rare. He didn’t care much for reading himself, except for a few thrilling stories, but the process of typesetting various content had definitely sparked a curiosity for general knowledge in him. It just needed to be brought to life.





XVI. THE TURNING-POINT

There came into his life just at this period one of those seemingly trifling incidents which, viewed in retrospect, assume pivotal proportions. He was on his way from the office to his home one afternoon when he saw flying along the pavement a square of paper, a leaf from a book. At an earlier time he would not have bothered with it at all, but any printed page had acquired a professional interest for him now. He caught the flying scrap and examined it. It was a leaf from some history of Joan of Arc. The “maid” was described in the cage at Rouen, in the fortress, and the two ruffian English soldiers had stolen her clothes. There was a brief description and a good deal of dialogue—her reproaches and their ribald replies.

At this point in his life, a seemingly minor incident occurred that would later seem significant. One afternoon, while walking home from the office, he noticed a piece of paper fluttering along the sidewalk, a page torn from a book. In the past, he would have ignored it entirely, but now, any printed material caught his professional interest. He picked up the loose page and looked it over. It was from a history of Joan of Arc. The "maid" was depicted in the cage at Rouen, in the fortress, where two rough English soldiers had taken her clothes. There was a brief description along with a lot of dialogue—her accusations and their crude retorts.

He had never heard of the subject before. He had never read any history. When he wanted to know any fact he asked Henry, who read everything obtainable. Now, however, there arose within him a deep compassion for the gentle Maid of Orleans, a burning resentment toward her captors, a powerful and indestructible interest in her sad history. It was an interest that would grow steadily for more than half a lifetime and culminate at last in that crowning work, the Recollections, the loveliest story ever told of the martyred girl.

He had never heard of the topic before. He had never read any history. When he wanted to know anything, he asked Henry, who read everything he could get his hands on. Now, however, he felt a deep compassion for the gentle Maid of Orleans, a strong anger toward her captors, and a powerful, unbreakable interest in her tragic story. This interest would steadily grow for more than fifty years and eventually lead to his masterpiece, the Recollections, the most beautiful story ever told about the martyred girl.

The incident meant even more than that: it meant the awakening of his interest in all history—the world's story in its many phases—a passion which became the largest feature of his intellectual life and remained with him until his very last day on earth. From the moment when that fluttering leaf was blown into his hands his career as one of the world's mentally elect was assured. It gave him his cue—the first word of a part in the human drama. It crystallized suddenly within him sympathy with the oppressed, rebellion against tyranny and treachery, scorn for the divine rights of kings. A few months before he died he wrote a paper on “The Turning-point of My Life.” For some reason he did not mention this incident. Yet if there was a turning-point in his life, he reached it that bleak afternoon on the streets of Hannibal when a stray leaf from another life was blown into his hands.

The incident meant even more than that: it marked the awakening of his interest in all of history—the world's story in its many phases—a passion that became the biggest part of his intellectual life and stayed with him until his last day on earth. From the moment that fluttering leaf landed in his hands, his destiny as one of the world's thinkers was sealed. It gave him his cue—the first line in a role in the human drama. It suddenly sparked within him a sympathy for the oppressed, a rebellion against tyranny and betrayal, and a disdain for the so-called divine rights of kings. A few months before he died, he wrote a paper called “The Turning-point of My Life.” For some reason, he didn’t mention this incident. Yet, if there was a turning point in his life, it happened that bleak afternoon on the streets of Hannibal when a stray leaf from another life was blown into his hands.

He read hungrily now everything he could find relating to the French wars, and to Joan in particular. He acquired an appetite for history in general, the record of any nation or period; he seemed likely to become a student. Presently he began to feel the need of languages, French and German. There was no opportunity to acquire French, that he could discover, but there was a German shoemaker in Hannibal who agreed to teach his native tongue. Sam Clemens got a friend—very likely it was John Briggs—to form a class with him, and together they arranged for lessons. The shoemaker had little or no English. They had no German. It would seem, however, that their teacher had some sort of a “word-book,” and when they assembled in his little cubby-hole of a retreat he began reading aloud from it this puzzling sentence:

He eagerly read everything he could find about the French wars, especially about Joan. He developed a passion for history overall, wanting to learn about any nation or period; he seemed on track to become a dedicated student. Soon, he realized he needed to learn languages, specifically French and German. He couldn’t find any way to learn French, but there was a German shoemaker in Hannibal who agreed to teach him his language. Sam Clemens got a friend—most likely John Briggs—to join him in a class, and they set up lessons together. The shoemaker barely spoke any English. They didn’t know German either. However, it seemed that their teacher had some kind of “word-book,” and when they met in his small room, he began reading aloud from it this confusing sentence:

“De hain eet flee whoop in de hayer.”

“De hain eet flee whoop in de hayer.”

“Dere!” he said, triumphantly; “you know dose vord?”

“See!” he said, triumphantly; “do you know those words?”

The students looked at each other helplessly.

The students exchanged worried looks.

The teacher repeated the sentence, and again they were helpless when he asked if they recognized it.

The teacher repeated the sentence, and once more they felt powerless when he asked if they recognized it.

Then in despair he showed them the book. It was an English primer, and the sentence was:

Then in despair he showed them the book. It was an English primer, and the sentence was:

“The hen, it flies up in the air.”

“The hen flies up into the air.”

They explained to him gently that it was German they wished to learn, not English—not under the circumstances. Later, Sam made an attempt at Latin, and got a book for that purpose, but gave it up, saying:

They gently explained to him that they wanted to learn German, not English—not in this situation. Later, Sam tried to learn Latin and got a book for it, but he gave up, saying:

“No, that language is not for me. I'll do well enough to learn English.” A boy who took it up with him became a Latin scholar.

“No, that language isn’t for me. I’ll manage just fine learning English.” A boy who studied with him became a Latin expert.

His prejudice against oppression he put into practice. Boys who were being imposed upon found in him a ready protector. Sometimes, watching a game of marbles or tops, he would remark in his slow, impressive way:

His dislike for oppression was something he actively demonstrated. Boys who were being pushed around saw him as a willing defender. Sometimes, while watching a game of marbles or tops, he would comment in his calm, serious manner:

“You mustn't cheat that boy.” And the cheating stopped. When it didn't, there was a combat, with consequences.

“You shouldn’t cheat that boy.” And the cheating stopped. When it didn't, there was a fight, with consequences.





XVII. THE HANNIBAL “JOURNAL”

Orion returned from St. Louis. He felt that he was needed in Hannibal and, while wages there were lower, his expenses at home were slight; there was more real return for the family fund. His sister Pamela was teaching a class in Hannibal at this time. Orion was surprised when his mother and sister greeted him with kisses and tears. Any outward display of affection was new to him.

Orion came back from St. Louis. He felt like he was needed in Hannibal, and even though the pay there was lower, his living costs at home were minimal; there was more real benefit for the family's finances. His sister Pamela was teaching a class in Hannibal at the time. Orion was taken aback when his mother and sister welcomed him with hugs and tears. Any show of affection like that was new to him.

The family had moved back across the street by this time. With Sam supporting himself, the earnings of Orion and Pamela provided at least a semblance of comfort. But Orion was not satisfied. Then, as always, he had a variety of vague ambitions. Oratory appealed to him, and he delivered a temperance lecture with an accompaniment of music, supplied chiefly by Pamela. He aspired to the study of law, a recurring inclination throughout his career. He also thought of the ministry, an ambition which Sam shared with him for a time. Every mischievous boy has it, sooner or later, though not all for the same reasons.

The family had moved back across the street by this time. With Sam supporting himself, the earnings of Orion and Pamela provided at least some level of comfort. But Orion wasn’t satisfied. As always, he had a mix of unclear ambitions. He was drawn to public speaking and gave a temperance lecture accompanied by music, mostly provided by Pamela. He wanted to study law, which was a recurring desire throughout his life. He also considered the ministry, an ambition that Sam shared with him for a while. Every mischievous boy has that dream sooner or later, though not all for the same reasons.

“It was the most earnest ambition I ever had,” Mark Twain once remarked, thoughtfully. “Not that I ever really wanted to be a preacher, but because it never occurred to me that a preacher could be damned. It looked like a safe job.”

“It was the most genuine ambition I ever had,” Mark Twain once remarked, thoughtfully. “Not that I ever really wanted to be a preacher, but because it never crossed my mind that a preacher could be damned. It seemed like a secure job.”

A periodical ambition of Orion's was to own and conduct a paper in Hannibal. He felt that in such a position he might become a power in Western journalism. Once his father had considered buying the Hannibal Journal to give Orion a chance, and possibly to further his own political ambitions. Now Orion considered it for himself. The paper was for sale under a mortgage, and he was enabled to borrow the $500 which would secure ownership. Sam's two years at Ament's were now complete, and Orion induced him to take employment on the Journal. Henry at eleven was taken out of school to learn typesetting.

One of Orion's ongoing dreams was to own and run a newspaper in Hannibal. He believed that in such a role, he could gain significant influence in Western journalism. At one point, his father had thought about buying the Hannibal Journal to give Orion a shot and possibly boost his own political goals. Now, Orion was thinking about it for himself. The newspaper was up for sale due to a mortgage, and he managed to borrow $500 to secure ownership. Sam had finished his two years at Ament's, and Orion convinced him to take a job at the Journal. Henry, at eleven, was pulled out of school to learn typesetting.

Orion was a gentle, accommodating soul, but he lacked force and independence.

Orion was a kind and easygoing person, but he was missing strength and assertiveness.

“I followed all the advice I received,” he says in his record. “If two or more persons conflicted with each other, I adopted the views of the last.”

“I followed all the advice I got,” he says in his record. “If two or more people disagreed, I went with the last person's opinion.”

He started full of enthusiasm. He worked like a slave to save help: wrote his own editorials, and made his literary selections at night. The others worked too. Orion gave them hard tasks and long hours. He had the feeling that the paper meant fortune or failure to them all; that all must labor without stint. In his usual self-accusing way he wrote afterward:

He began with a lot of enthusiasm. He worked tirelessly to get help: wrote his own editorials and picked his literary selections at night. The others were busy too. Orion assigned them tough tasks and long hours. He felt that the paper meant success or failure for everyone; that everyone had to work hard without holding back. In his typical self-critical style, he wrote later:

I was tyrannical and unjust to Sam. He was as swift and as clean as a good journeyman. I gave him tasks, and if he got through well I begrudged him the time and made him work more. He set a clean proof, and Henry a very dirty one. The correcting was left to be done in the form the day before publication. Once we were kept late, and Sam complained with tears of bitterness that he was held till midnight on Henry's dirty proofs.

I was harsh and unfair to Sam. He was as quick and efficient as a skilled tradesman. I assigned him tasks, and if he completed them well, I resented the time he took and made him do more work. He produced a clean proof, while Henry produced a very messy one. The corrections were left to be done the day before publication. One night we had to stay late, and Sam tearfully complained that he was stuck working on Henry's messy proofs until midnight.

Orion did not realize any injustice at the time. The game was too desperate to be played tenderly. His first editorials were so brilliant that it was not believed he could have written them. The paper throughout was excellent, and seemed on the high road to success. But the pace was too hard to maintain. Overwork brought weariness, and Orion's enthusiasm, never a very stable quantity, grew feeble. He became still more exacting.

Orion didn't recognize any injustice at the time. The game was too intense to be played gently. His early editorials were so impressive that people doubted he could have written them. The newspaper overall was outstanding and seemed to be on the path to success. But the pace was too grueling to keep up. Overworking led to exhaustion, and Orion's enthusiasm, which was never very steady, began to fade. He became even more demanding.

It is not to be supposed that Sam Clemens had given up all amusements to become merely a toiling drudge or had conquered in any large degree his natural taste for amusement. He had become more studious; but after the long, hard days in the office it was not to be expected that a boy of fifteen would employ the evening—at least not every evening—in reading beneficial books. The river was always near at hand—for swimming in the summer and skating in the winter—and once even at this late period it came near claiming a heavy tribute. That was one winter's night when with another boy he had skated until nearly midnight. They were about in the middle of the river when they heard a terrific and grinding noise near the shore. They knew what it was. The ice was breaking up, and they set out for home forthwith. It was moonlight, and they could tell the ice from the water, which was a good thing, for there were wide cracks toward the shore, and they had to wait for these to close. They were an hour making the trip, and just before they reached the bank they came to a broad space of water. The ice was lifting and falling and crunching all around them. They waited as long as they dared and decided to leap from cake to cake. Sam made the crossing without accident, but his companion slipped in when a few feet from shore. He was a good swimmer and landed safely, but the bath probably cost him his hearing. He was taken very ill. One disease followed another, ending with scarlet fever and deafness.

It shouldn't be assumed that Sam Clemens had completely abandoned all fun to become just a hard worker or that he had significantly overcome his natural love for entertainment. He had become more focused on his studies; however, after long, tough days at the office, it was unrealistic to expect a fifteen-year-old to spend every evening reading educational books. The river was always nearby—for swimming in the summer and skating in the winter—and even at this late stage, it almost took a heavy toll. One winter night, he and another boy had skated until nearly midnight. They were about in the middle of the river when they heard a loud, grinding noise near the shore. They knew what it was. The ice was breaking up, and they headed home right away. It was a moonlit night, and they could see the ice from the water, which was fortunate because there were wide cracks toward the shore, and they had to wait for them to close. It took them an hour to make the trip, and just before they reached the bank, they encountered a wide area of water. The ice was rising and falling and crunching all around them. They waited as long as they could and then decided to jump from ice floe to ice floe. Sam made it across without any issues, but his friend slipped in just a few feet from shore. He was a strong swimmer and managed to get to safety, but the dip probably cost him his hearing. He became very sick. One illness followed another, ending with scarlet fever and deafness.

There was also entertainment in the office itself. A country boy named Jim Wolfe had come to learn the trade—a green, good-natured, bashful boy. In every trade tricks are played on the new apprentice, and Sam felt that it was his turn to play them. With John Briggs to help him, tortures for Jim Wolfe were invented and applied.

There was also fun in the office itself. A rural guy named Jim Wolfe had come to learn the trade—an inexperienced, friendly, shy guy. In every trade, pranks are pulled on the new apprentice, and Sam felt it was his time to join in. With John Briggs to back him up, they came up with some tricks to play on Jim Wolfe and put them into action.

They taught him to paddle a canoe, and upset him. They took him sniping at night and left him “holding the bag” in the old traditional fashion while they slipped off home and went to bed.

They taught him how to paddle a canoe, which frustrated him. They took him out hunting at night and left him “holding the bag” in the usual way while they sneaked off home and went to bed.

But Jim Wolfe's masterpiece of entertainment was one which he undertook on his own account. Pamela was having a candy-pull down-stairs one night—a grown-up candy-pull to which the boys were not expected. Jim would not have gone, anyway, for he was bashful beyond belief, and always dumb, and even pale with fear, in the presence of pretty Pamela Clemens. Up in their room the boys could hear the merriment from below and could look out in the moonlight on the snowy sloping roof that began just beneath their window. Down at the eaves was the small arbor, green in summer, but covered now with dead vines and snow. They could hear the candymakers come out, now and then, doubtless setting out pans of candy to cool. By and by the whole party seemed to come out into the little arbor, to try the candy, perhaps the joking and laughter came plainly to the boys up-stairs. About this time there appeared on the roof from somewhere two disreputable cats, who set up a most disturbing duel of charge and recrimination. Jim detested the noise, and perhaps was gallant enough to think it would disturb the party. He had nothing to throw at them, but he said:

But Jim Wolfe's ultimate entertainment project was one he took on by himself. One night, Pamela was hosting a candy-making party downstairs—a grown-up event that the boys weren’t invited to. Jim wouldn’t have gone anyway, since he was incredibly shy and always left speechless, even pale with fear, around the pretty Pamela Clemens. Up in their room, the boys could hear the laughter from below and see the moonlight shining on the snowy sloped roof right outside their window. Down at the eaves was a small arbor, green in the summer but now covered in dead vines and snow. They could hear the candymakers coming out occasionally, probably to set out pans of candy to cool. After a while, it seemed like the entire party moved out to the little arbor to taste the candy, and the joking and laughter clearly reached the boys upstairs. Around this time, two scruffy cats appeared on the roof from somewhere, engaging in a loud fight of hissing and swatting. Jim hated the noise and might have gallantly thought it would spoil the party. He had nothing to throw at them, but he said:

“For two cents I'd get out there and knock their heads off.”

“For two cents, I’d go out there and knock some heads together.”

“You wouldn't dare to do it,” Sam said, purringly.

“You wouldn't dare to do it,” Sam said, softly.

This was wormwood to Jim. He was really a brave spirit.

This was bitter for Jim. He was truly a brave person.

“I would too,” he said, “and I will if you say that again.”

“I would too,” he said, “and I will if you say that again.”

“Why, Jim, of course you wouldn't dare to go out there. You might catch cold.”

“Why, Jim, of course you wouldn’t think of going out there. You might catch a cold.”

“You wait and see,” said Jim Wolfe.

"You'll see," Jim Wolfe said.

He grabbed a pair of yarn stockings for his feet, raised the window, and crept out on the snowy roof. There was a crust of ice on the snow, but Jim jabbed his heels through it and stood up in the moonlight, his legs bare, his single garment flapping gently in the light winter breeze. Then he started slowly toward the cats, sinking his heels in the snow each time for a footing, a piece of lath in his hand. The cats were on the corner of the roof above the arbor, and Jim cautiously worked his way in that direction. The roof was not very steep. He was doing well enough until he came to a place where the snow had melted until it was nearly solid ice. He was so intent on the cats that he did not notice this, and when he struck his heel down to break the crust nothing yielded. A second later Jim's feet had shot out from under him, and he vaulted like an avalanche down the icy roof out on the little vine-clad arbor, and went crashing through among those candypullers, gathered there with their pans of cooling taffy. There were wild shrieks and a general flight. Neither Jim nor Sam ever knew how he got back to their room, but Jim was overcome with the enormity of his offense, while Sam was in an agony of laughter.

He grabbed a pair of yarn stockings for his feet, lifted the window, and crept out onto the snowy roof. There was a layer of ice on the snow, but Jim kicked his heels through it and stood up in the moonlight, his legs bare and his only piece of clothing flapping gently in the light winter breeze. Then he slowly made his way toward the cats, sinking his heels into the snow for traction, with a piece of wood in his hand. The cats were at the corner of the roof above the arbor, and Jim carefully worked his way in that direction. The roof wasn't very steep, and he was managing well until he came to a spot where the snow had melted into nearly solid ice. He was so focused on the cats that he didn't notice it, and when he slammed his heel down to break the crust, nothing gave way. A second later, Jim's feet shot out from under him, and he slid like an avalanche down the icy roof onto the little vine-covered arbor, crashing through the crowd of candypullers gathered there with their pans of cooling taffy. There were wild screams and a sudden scramble to escape. Neither Jim nor Sam ever figured out how he got back to their room, but Jim was overwhelmed with guilt about his misstep, while Sam was doubled over with laughter.

“You did it splendidly, Jim,” he drawled, when he could speak. “Nobody could have done it better; and did you see how those cats got out of there? I never had any idea when you started that you meant to do it that way. And it was such a surprise to the folks down-stairs. How did you ever think of it?”

“You did an amazing job, Jim,” he said, once he could talk. “No one could have done it better; did you see how those guys got out of there? I had no idea when you started that you planned to do it that way. It really caught the people downstairs off guard. How did you even come up with that?”

It was a fearful ordeal for a boy like Jim Wolfe, but he stuck to his place in spite of what he must have suffered. The boys made him one of them soon after that. His initiation was thought to be complete.

It was a terrifying experience for a boy like Jim Wolfe, but he stayed in his spot despite what he must have gone through. The other boys accepted him into their group not long after that. His initiation was considered complete.

An account of Jim Wolfe and the cats was the first original story Mark Twain ever told. He told it next day, which was Sunday, to Jimmy McDaniel, the baker's son, as they sat looking out over the river, eating gingerbread. His hearer laughed immoderately, and the story-teller was proud and happy in his success.

An account of Jim Wolfe and the cats was the first original story Mark Twain ever told. He shared it the next day, which was Sunday, with Jimmy McDaniel, the baker's son, as they sat looking out at the river, enjoying gingerbread. Jimmy laughed uncontrollably, and the storyteller felt proud and happy with his success.





XVIII. THE BEGINNING OF A LITERARY LIFE

Orion's paper continued to go downhill. Following some random counsel, he changed the name of it and advanced the price—two blunders. Then he was compelled to reduce the subscription, also the advertising rates. He was obliged to adopt a descending scale of charges and expenditures to keep pace with his declining circulation—a fatal sign. A publisher must lead his subscription list, not follow it.

Orion's publication kept getting worse. After taking some random advice, he changed the name and raised the price—two mistakes. Then he had to lower the subscription rate and the advertising prices. He was forced to implement a sliding scale of charges and expenses to keep up with his decreasing circulation—a dangerous sign. A publisher should lead their subscription list, not follow it.

“I was walking backward,” he said, “not seeing where I stepped.”

“I was walking backward,” he said, “not paying attention to where I was stepping.”

In desperation he broke away and made a trip to Tennessee to see if something could not be realized on the land, leaving his brother Sam in charge of the office. It was a journey without financial results; yet it bore fruit, for it marked the beginning of Mark Twain's literary career.

In desperation, he broke away and took a trip to Tennessee to see if he could make something happen with the land, leaving his brother Sam in charge of the office. The journey didn’t bring any financial results, but it was significant, as it marked the start of Mark Twain's literary career.

Sam, in his brother's absence, concluded to edit the paper in a way that would liven up the circulation. He had never done any writing—not for print—but he had the courage of his inclinations. His local items were of a kind known as “spicy”; his personals brought prompt demand for satisfaction. The editor of a rival paper had been in love, and was said to have gone to the river one night to drown himself. Sam gave a picturesque account of this, with all the names connected with the affair. Then he took a couple of big wooden block letters, turned them upside down, and engraved illustrations for it, showing the victim wading out into the river with a stick to test the depth of the water. When this issue of the paper came out the demand for it was very large. The press had to be kept running steadily to supply copies. The satirized editor at first swore that he would thrash the whole journal office, then he left town and did not come back any more. The embryo Mark Twain also wrote a poem. It was addressed “To Mary in Hannibal,” but the title was too long to be set in one column, so he left out all the letters in Hannibal, except the first and the last, and supplied their place with a dash, with a startling result. Such were the early flickerings of a smoldering genius. Orion returned, remonstrated, and apologized. He reduced Sam to the ranks. In later years he saw his mistake.

Sam, while his brother was away, decided to spice up the paper to boost circulation. He had never written for publication before, but he was brave enough to follow his instincts. His local news items were considered “spicy,” and his personal announcements sparked quick reactions. The editor of a competing paper had fallen in love and was rumored to have gone to the river one night to end his life. Sam wrote a vivid account of this, including all the names involved. He then took a couple of large wooden block letters, flipped them upside down, and created illustrations, showing the guy wading into the river with a stick to check the water’s depth. When this issue of the paper was released, it flew off the shelves. The press had to keep working nonstop to meet the demand. The mocked editor initially vowed to fight the whole office, but then he left town and never returned. The budding Mark Twain also wrote a poem titled “To Mary in Hannibal,” but since the title was too long to fit in one column, he removed all the letters from Hannibal except for the first and last and replaced the missing letters with a dash, creating quite a stir. This was the early spark of a simmering genius. Orion returned, protested, and apologized. He later realized he had made a mistake.

“I could have distanced all competitors even then,” he said, “if I had recognized Sam's ability and let him go ahead, merely keeping him from offending worthy persons.”

“I could have stayed ahead of all the competition even back then,” he said, “if I had recognized Sam's talent and let him take the lead, just making sure he didn't upset anyone deserving.”

Sam was subdued, but not done for. He never would be, now. He had got his first taste of print, and he liked it. He promptly wrote two anecdotes which he thought humorous and sent them to the Philadelphia Saturday Evening Post. They were accepted—without payment, of course, in those days; and when the papers containing them appeared he felt suddenly lifted to a lofty plane of literature. This was in 1851.

Sam was feeling down, but he wasn't out. He would never be out, not anymore. He had experienced his first taste of being published, and he loved it. He quickly wrote two funny anecdotes and sent them to the Philadelphia Saturday Evening Post. They were accepted—without pay, of course, back then; and when the papers with his stories came out, he felt like he had been elevated to a whole new level of literature. This was in 1851.

“Seeing them in print was a joy which rather exceeded anything in that line I have ever experienced since,” he said, nearly sixty years later.

“Seeing them in print was a joy that far surpassed anything in that regard I’ve ever experienced since,” he said, nearly sixty years later.

Yet he did not feel inspired to write anything further for the Post. Twice during the next two years he contributed to the Journal; once something about Jim Wolfe, though it was not the story of the cats, and another burlesque on a rival editor whom he pictured as hunting snipe with a cannon, the explosion of which was said to have blown the snipe out of the country. No contributions of this time have been preserved. High prices have been offered for copies of the Hannibal journal containing them, but without success. The Post sketches were unsigned and have not been identified. It is likely they were trivial enough. His earliest work showed no special individuality or merit, being mainly crude and imitative, as the work of a boy—even a precocious boy—is likely to be. He was not especially precocious—not in literature. His literary career would halt and hesitate and trifle along for many years yet, gathering impetus and equipment for the fuller, statelier swing which would bring a greater joy to the world at large, even if not to himself, than that first, far-off triumph.—[In Mark Twain's sketch “My First Literary Venture” he has set down with characteristic embroideries some account of this early authorship.]

Yet he didn't feel motivated to write anything else for the Post. Twice during the next two years, he contributed to the Journal; once it was something about Jim Wolfe, although it wasn't the story of the cats, and another time it was a parody of a rival editor who he imagined hunting snipe with a cannon, the blast of which supposedly scared the snipe out of the area. No contributions from this period have been preserved. High prices have been offered for copies of the Hannibal journal containing them, but without success. The Post sketches were unsigned and haven't been identified. It's likely they were pretty unremarkable. His earliest work didn't display any special individuality or merit, being mostly crude and imitative, as the work of a boy—even a precocious boy—tends to be. He wasn't particularly precocious—not in literature. His literary career would stall, hesitate, and meander for many more years, gathering momentum and skills for the more substantial, graceful path that would bring greater joy to the world at large, even if not to himself, than that first, distant victory.—[In Mark Twain's sketch “My First Literary Venture,” he has described with characteristic embellishments some account of this early authorship.]

Those were hard financial days. Orion could pay nothing on his mortgage—barely the interest. He had promised Sam three dollars and a half a week, but he could do no more than supply him with board and clothes—“poor, shabby clothes,” he says in his record.

Those were tough financial times. Orion couldn't pay anything on his mortgage—barely even the interest. He had promised Sam three dollars and fifty cents a week, but he could only manage to provide him with food and clothing—“ragged, shabby clothes,” he writes in his record.

“My mother and sister did the housekeeping. My mother was cook. She used the provisions I supplied her. We therefore had a regular diet of bacon, butter, bread, and coffee.”

“My mom and sister took care of the house. My mom was the cook. She used the groceries I provided her. So, we had a steady diet of bacon, butter, bread, and coffee.”

Mrs. Clemens again took a few boarders; Pamela, who had given up teaching for a time, organized another music class. Orion became despondent. One night a cow got into the office, upset a typecase, and ate up two composition rollers. Orion felt that fate was dealing with a heavy hand. Another disaster quickly followed. Fire broke out in the office, and the loss was considerable. An insurance company paid one hundred and fifty dollars. With it Orion replaced such articles as were absolutely needed for work, and removed his plant into the front room of the Clemens dwelling. He raised the one-story part of the building to give them an added room up-stairs; and there for another two years, by hard work and pinching economies, the dying paper managed to drag along. It was the fire that furnished Sam Clemens with his Jim Wolfe sketch. In it he stated that Jim in his excitement had carried the office broom half a mile and had then come back after the wash-pan.

Mrs. Clemens took in a few boarders again; Pamela, who had paused her teaching for a bit, set up another music class. Orion became really down. One night, a cow wandered into the office, knocked over a typecase, and ate two composition rollers. Orion felt like fate was being really tough on him. Another disaster quickly followed. A fire broke out in the office, causing significant losses. An insurance company paid out one hundred and fifty dollars. With that money, Orion replaced only the essentials needed for work and moved his operations into the front room of the Clemens house. He raised the one-story section of the building to create more upstairs space; and for another two years, through hard work and tight budgets, the struggling paper managed to survive. It was the fire that inspired Sam Clemens to write his Jim Wolfe sketch. In it, he noted that Jim, in his panic, had carried the office broom half a mile and then returned for the wash-pan.

In the meantime Pamela Clemens married. Her husband was a well-to-do merchant, William A. Moffett, formerly of Hannibal, but then of St. Louis, where he had provided her with the comforts of a substantial home.

In the meantime, Pamela Clemens got married. Her husband was a wealthy merchant, William A. Moffett, originally from Hannibal but later from St. Louis, where he had given her the comforts of a nice home.

Orion tried the experiment of a serial story. He wrote to a number of well-known authors in the East, but was unable to find one who would supply a serial for the price he was willing to pay. Finally he obtained a translation of a French novel for the sum offered, which was five dollars. It did not save the sinking ship, however. He made the experiment of a tri-weekly, without success. He noticed that even his mother no longer read his editorials, but turned to the general news. This was a final blow.

Orion tried out the idea of a serial story. He reached out to several well-known authors in the East but couldn’t find anyone willing to provide a serial for the amount he was willing to pay. Eventually, he got a translation of a French novel for the offered price, which was five dollars. However, it didn't save the struggling publication. He attempted a three-times-a-week release, but it didn't work out. He noticed that even his mom had stopped reading his editorials and was only interested in the general news. This was the last straw.

“I sat down in the dark,” he says, “the moon glinting in at the open door. I sat with one leg over the chair and let my mind float.”

“I sat down in the dark,” he says, “with the moon shining through the open door. I sat with one leg over the chair and let my mind drift.”

He had received an offer of five hundred dollars for his office—the amount of the mortgage—and in his moonlight reverie he decided to dispose of it on those terms. This was in 1853.

He had gotten an offer of five hundred dollars for his office—the amount of the mortgage—and in his dreamy thoughts under the moonlight, he decided to sell it for that price. This was in 1853.

His brother Samuel was no longer with him. Several months before, in June, Sam decided he would go out into the world. He was in his eighteenth year now, a good workman, faithful and industrious, but he had grown restless in unrewarded service. Beyond his mastery of the trade he had little to show for six years of hard labor. Once when he had asked Orion for a few dollars to buy a second-hand gun, Orion, exasperated by desperate circumstances, fell into a passion and rated him for thinking of such extravagance. Soon afterward Sam confided to his mother that he was going away; that he believed Orion hated him; that there was no longer a place for him at home. He said he would go to St. Louis, where Pamela was. There would be work for him in St. Louis, and he could send money home. His intention was to go farther than St. Louis, but he dared not tell her. His mother put together sadly enough the few belongings of what she regarded as her one wayward boy; then she held up a little Testament:

His brother Samuel was no longer with him. A few months earlier, in June, Sam decided he wanted to explore the world. He was now eighteen, a skilled worker who was reliable and hard-working, but he had become restless with unrecognized efforts. Besides his expertise in his trade, he had little to show for six years of hard work. Once, when he had asked Orion for a few dollars to buy a second-hand gun, Orion, frustrated by their difficult situation, lost his temper and scolded him for even thinking about such a luxury. Shortly after that, Sam confided to his mother that he was leaving; he felt that Orion hated him and that there was no longer a place for him at home. He planned to go to St. Louis, where Pamela was. He believed he could find work there and send money back home. His intention was to travel beyond St. Louis, but he didn’t dare tell her. His mother sadly gathered together the few belongings of what she considered her one rebellious son; then she held up a small Testament:

“I want you to take hold of the other end of this, Sam,” she said, “and make me a promise.”

“I want you to grab the other end of this, Sam,” she said, “and promise me something.”

If one might have a true picture of that scene: the shin, wiry woman of forty-nine, her figure as straight as her deportment, gray-eyed, tender, and resolute, facing the fair-cheeked, auburn-haired youth of seventeen, his eyes as piercing and unwavering as her own. Mother and son, they were of the same metal and the same mold.

If you could see that scene: the thin, wiry woman of forty-nine, standing tall with a straight posture, gray-eyed, gentle, and determined, facing the fair-cheeked, auburn-haired boy of seventeen, his gaze as sharp and steady as hers. Mother and son, they were made of the same stuff and shaped from the same mold.

“I want you to repeat after me, Sam, these words,” Jane Clemens said. “I do solemnly swear that I will not throw a card or drink a drop of liquor while I am gone.”

“I want you to repeat after me, Sam, these words,” Jane Clemens said. “I do solemnly swear that I will not throw a card or drink a drop of liquor while I’m gone.”

He repeated the oath after her, and she kissed him.

He recited the oath after her, and she kissed him.

“Remember that, Sam, and write to us,” she said.

“Remember that, Sam, and write to us,” she said.

“And so,” Orion records, “he went wandering in search of that comfort and that advancement and those rewards of industry which he had failed to find where I was—gloomy, taciturn, and selfish. I not only missed his labor; we all missed his bounding activity and merriment.”

“And so,” Orion writes, “he set out looking for the comfort, progress, and rewards of hard work that he couldn’t find with me—gloomy, quiet, and selfish. I not only missed his work; we all missed his energetic spirit and joy.”





XIX. IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF FRANKLIN

He went to St. Louis by the night boat, visited his sister Pamela, and found a job in the composing-room of the Evening News. He remained on the paper only long enough to earn money with which to see the world. The “world” was New York City, where the Crystal Palace Fair was then going on. The railway had been completed by this time, but he had not traveled on it. It had not many comforts; several days and nights were required for the New York trip; yet it was a wonderful and beautiful experience. He felt that even Pet McMurry could hardly have done anything to surpass it. He arrived in New York with two or three dollars in his pocket and a ten-dollar bill concealed in the lining of his coat.

He took the night boat to St. Louis, visited his sister Pamela, and found a job in the composing room of the Evening News. He stayed at the paper just long enough to earn money to see the world. The “world” was New York City, where the Crystal Palace Fair was happening at the time. The railway was completed by then, but he hadn’t traveled on it. It wasn’t very comfortable; it took several days and nights to get to New York, but it was an amazing and beautiful experience. He felt that even Pet McMurry couldn’t have done anything better. He arrived in New York with two or three dollars in his pocket and a ten-dollar bill hidden in the lining of his coat.

New York was a great and amazing city. It almost frightened him. It covered the entire lower end of Manhattan Island; visionary citizens boasted that one day it would cover it all. The World's Fair building, the Crystal Palace, stood a good way out. It was where Bryant Park is now, on Forty-second Street and Sixth Avenue. Young Clemens classed it as one of the wonders of the world and wrote lavishly of its marvels. A portion of a letter to his sister Pamela has been preserved and is given here not only for what it contains, but as the earliest existing specimen of his composition. The fragment concludes what was doubtless an exhaustive description.

New York was an incredible and vibrant city. It almost intimidated him. It stretched across the entire lower end of Manhattan Island; ambitious residents claimed that one day it would cover the whole island. The World's Fair building, the Crystal Palace, was located a bit further out. It was where Bryant Park is now, at Forty-second Street and Sixth Avenue. Young Clemens considered it one of the wonders of the world and wrote enthusiastically about its attractions. A part of a letter to his sister Pamela has been preserved and is included here not only for its content but also as the earliest example of his writing. The excerpt ends what was likely a detailed description.

    From the gallery (second floor) you have a glorious sight—the flags
    of the different countries represented, the lofty dome, glittering
    jewelry, gaudy tapestry, etc., with the busy crowd passing to and
    fro 'tis a perfect fairy palace—beautiful beyond description.

    The machinery department is on the main floor, but I cannot
    enumerate any of it on account of the lateness of the hour (past 1
    o'clock). It would take more than a week to examine everything on
    exhibition; and I was only in a little over two hours to-night.
    I only glanced at about one-third of the articles; and, having a
    poor memory, I have enumerated scarcely any of even the principal
    objects. The visitors to the Palace average 6,000 daily—double the
    population of Hannibal. The price of admission being 50 cents, they
    take in about $3,000.

    The Latting Observatory (height about 280 feet) is near the Palace
    —from it you can obtain a grand view of the city and the country
    around. The Croton Aqueduct, to supply the city with water, is the
    greatest wonder yet. Immense sewers are laid across the bed of the
    Hudson River, and pass through the country to Westchester County,
    where a whole river is turned from its course and brought to New
    York. From the reservoir in the city to the Westchester County
    reservoir the distance is thirty-eight miles and, if necessary, they
    could easily supply every family in New York with one hundred
    barrels of water per day!

    I am very sorry to learn that Henry has been sick. He ought to go
    to the country and take exercise, for he is not half so healthy as
    Ma thinks he is. If he had my walking to do, he would be another
    boy entirely. Four times every day I walk a little over a mile; and
    working hard all day and walking four miles is exercise. I am used
    to it now, though, and it is no trouble. Where is it Orion's going
    to? Tell Ma my promises are faithfully kept; and if I have my
    health I will take her to Ky. in the spring—I shall save money for
    this. Tell Jim (Wolfe) and all the rest of them to write, and give
    me all the news....

    (It has just struck 2 A.M., and I always get up at 6, and am at work
    at 7.) You ask where I spend my evenings. Where would you suppose,
    with a free printer's library containing more than 4,000 volumes
    within a quarter of a mile of me, and nobody at home to talk to?
    Write soon.

                  Truly your brother,     SAM

    P.S.-I have written this by a light so dim that you nor Ma could not
    read by it. Write, and let me know how Henry is.
From the gallery (second floor), you have a fantastic view—the flags of all the different countries represented, the tall dome, sparkling jewelry, bright tapestries, and the busy crowd moving back and forth; it’s like a perfect fairy palace—truly beautiful beyond words.

The machinery department is on the main floor, but I can’t describe any of it since it’s getting late (past 1 o'clock). It would take more than a week to see everything on display, and I was only there a little over two hours tonight. I just glanced at about a third of the items, and since my memory isn’t great, I can hardly remember any of the main pieces. The average number of visitors to the Palace is 6,000 daily—twice the population of Hannibal. With the admission price being 50 cents, they make about $3,000.

The Latting Observatory (about 280 feet high) is close to the Palace—there, you can get an amazing view of the city and the surrounding area. The Croton Aqueduct, which supplies the city with water, is the greatest wonder so far. Huge sewers are laid across the bed of the Hudson River and extend through the countryside to Westchester County, where an entire river is diverted from its course to bring water to New York. The distance from the reservoir in the city to the Westchester County reservoir is thirty-eight miles, and if necessary, they could easily supply every family in New York with one hundred barrels of water per day!

I’m really sorry to hear that Henry has been sick. He should go to the country and get some exercise because he’s not nearly as healthy as Mom thinks he is. If he had to walk as much as I do, he would be a completely different kid. I walk a little over a mile four times a day, and working hard all day plus those four miles is good exercise. I’m used to it now, though, so it’s no trouble. Where is Orion going? Tell Mom that I’ve kept all my promises; and if I stay healthy, I’ll take her to Kentucky in the spring—I’m saving up for this. Tell Jim (Wolfe) and everyone else to write and give me all the news…

(It just struck 2 A.M., and I always get up at 6 and start work at 7.) You asked where I spend my evenings. Where do you think, with a free printer's library that has more than 4,000 volumes less than a quarter of a mile from me, and no one at home to talk to? Write soon.  

                  Truly your brother,     SAM  

    P.S.-I’ve written this by such dim light that you and Mom wouldn’t be able to read it. Write back and let me know how Henry is.

It is a good letter; it is direct and clear in its descriptive quality, and it gives us a scale of things. Double the population of Hannibal visited the Crystal Palace in one day! and the water to supply the city came a distance of thirty-eight miles! Doubtless these were amazing statistics.

It’s a great letter; it’s straightforward and clear in its descriptions, and it gives us a sense of scale. Twice the population of Hannibal visited the Crystal Palace in one day! And the water supply for the city came from thirty-eight miles away! These were definitely impressive stats.

Then there was the interest in family affairs—always strong—his concern for Henry, whom he loved tenderly; his memory of the promise to his mother; his understanding of her craving to visit her old home. He did not write to her direct, for the reason that Orion's plans were then uncertain, and it was not unlikely that he had already found a new location. From this letter, too, we learn that the boy who detested school was reveling in a library of four thousand books—more than he had ever seen together before. We have somehow the feeling that he had all at once stepped from boyhood to manhood, and that the separation was marked by a very definite line.

Then there was the strong interest in family matters—his deep concern for Henry, whom he loved dearly; his remembrance of the promise he made to his mother; his awareness of her longing to visit her old home. He didn’t write to her directly because Orion’s plans were uncertain, and it was possible he had already found a new place. This letter also reveals that the boy who hated school was now enjoying access to a library of four thousand books—more than he had ever seen all together before. It feels like he had suddenly moved from boyhood to manhood, with that transition clearly marked.

The work he had secured was in Cliff Street in the printing establishment of John A. Gray & Green, who agreed to pay him four dollars a week, and did pay that amount in wildcat money, which saved them about twenty-five per cent. of the sum. He lodged at a mechanics' boarding-house in Duane Street, and when he had paid his board and washing he sometimes had as much as fifty cents to lay away.

The job he got was on Cliff Street at the printing company of John A. Gray & Green, who agreed to pay him four dollars a week. They actually paid him in worthless currency, which saved them about twenty-five percent of the total. He stayed at a boarding house for workers on Duane Street, and after covering his rent and laundry, he occasionally had as much as fifty cents to save up.

He did not like the board. He had been accustomed to the Southern mode of cooking, and wrote home complaining that New-Yorkers did not have “hot-bread” or biscuits, but ate “light-bread,” which they allowed to get stale, seeming to prefer it in that way. On the whole, there was not much inducement to remain in New York after he had satisfied himself with its wonders. He lingered, however, through the hot months of 1853, and found it not easy to go. In October he wrote to Pamela, suggesting plans for Orion; also for Henry and Jim Wolfe, whom he seems never to have overlooked. Among other things he says:

He didn't like the food in New York. He was used to Southern cooking and wrote home complaining that New Yorkers didn't have “hot-bread” or biscuits, but instead ate “light-bread,” which they let get stale, seeming to prefer it that way. Overall, there wasn't much reason to stay in New York after he'd seen its attractions. However, he lingered during the hot months of 1853 and found it hard to leave. In October, he wrote to Pamela, suggesting plans for Orion, as well as for Henry and Jim Wolfe, whom he never seemed to forget. Among other things, he said:

    I have not written to any of the family for some time, from the
    fact, firstly, that I didn't know where they were, and, secondly,
    because I have been fooling myself with the idea that I was going to
    leave New York every day for the last two weeks. I have taken a
    liking to the abominable place, and every time I get ready to leave
    I put it off a day or so, from some unaccountable cause. I think I
    shall get off Tuesday, though.

    Edwin Forrest has been playing for the last sixteen days at the
    Broadway Theater, but I never went to see him till last night. The
    play was the “Gladiator.” I did not like parts of it much, but
    other portions were really splendid. In the latter part of the last
    act, where the “Gladiator” (Forrest) dies at his brother's feet (in
    all the fierce pleasure of gratified revenge), the man's whole soul
    seems absorbed in the part he is playing; and it is really startling
    to see him. I am sorry I did not see him play “Damon and Pythias”
     —the former character being the greatest. He appears in Philadelphia
    on Monday night.

    I have not received a letter from home lately, but got a “Journal”
     the other day, in which I see the office has been sold....

    If my letters do not come often, you need not bother yourself about
    me; for if you have a brother nearly eighteen years of age who is
    not able to take care of himself a few miles from home, such a
    brother is not worth one's thoughts; and if I don't manage to take
    care of No. 1, be assured you will never know it. I am not afraid,
    however; I shall ask favors of no one and endeavor to be (and shall
    be) as “independent as a wood-sawyer's clerk.”...

    Passage to Albany (160 miles) on the finest steamers that ply the
    Hudson is now 25 cents—cheap enough, but is generally cheaper than
    that in the summer.
    I haven’t written to any of the family for a while, mainly because I didn’t know where they were and also because I’ve been convincing myself that I’d leave New York every day for the last two weeks. I’ve actually grown fond of this awful place, and every time I plan to leave, I delay it by a day or so for some strange reason. I think I’ll finally get out on Tuesday, though.

    Edwin Forrest has been performing at the Broadway Theater for the last sixteen days, but I didn’t go see him until last night. The play was the “Gladiator.” I didn’t like some parts of it, but other parts were really impressive. In the latter part of the last act, where the “Gladiator” (Forrest) dies at his brother's feet (in all the fierce pleasure of fulfilled revenge), you can really see how immersed he is in the role; it’s quite striking to watch him. I regret not seeing him play “Damon and Pythias”—the former role is the best. He’ll be performing in Philadelphia on Monday night.

    I haven’t received a letter from home recently, but I did get a “Journal” the other day, where I saw that the office has been sold....

    If my letters aren’t frequent, don’t worry about me; if you have a brother almost eighteen years old who can’t take care of himself a few miles from home, that brother isn’t worth your concern; and if I can’t manage to take care of myself, you won’t hear about it. I’m not worried, though; I won’t ask anyone for favors and I’ll try to be (and will be) as “independent as a wood-sawyer’s clerk.”...

    The cost for a trip to Albany (160 miles) on the best steamers that sail the Hudson is now 25 cents—pretty cheap, but it's generally less than that in the summer.

“I have been fooling myself with the idea that I was going to leave New York” is distinctly a Mark Twain phrase. He might have said that fifty years later.

“I have been fooling myself with the idea that I was going to leave New York” is clearly something Mark Twain would say. He could have said that fifty years later.

He did go to Philadelphia presently and found work “subbing” on a daily paper, 'The Inquirer.' He was a fairly swift compositor. He could set ten thousand ems a day, and he received pay according to the amount of work done. Days or evenings when there was no vacant place for him to fill he visited historic sites, the art-galleries, and the libraries. He was still acquiring education, you see. Sometimes at night when he returned to his boardinghouse his room-mate, an Englishman named Sumner, grilled a herring, and this was regarded as a feast. He tried his hand at writing in Philadelphia, though this time without success. For some reason he did not again attempt to get into the Post, but offered his contributions to the Philadelphia 'Ledger'—mainly poetry of an obituary kind. Perhaps it was burlesque; he never confessed that, but it seems unlikely that any other obituary poetry would have failed of print.

He went to Philadelphia and found a job "subbing" at a daily newspaper, 'The Inquirer.' He was a pretty fast typesetter. He could set ten thousand ems a day, and he got paid based on how much work he completed. On days or evenings when he didn't have any shifts, he explored historical sites, art galleries, and libraries. He was still gaining education, you see. Sometimes at night when he got back to his boarding house, his roommate, an Englishman named Sumner, would grill a herring, and that was considered a feast. He tried writing in Philadelphia, but this time it didn't work out. For some reason, he didn’t try again to get into the Post, but instead submitted his work to the Philadelphia 'Ledger'—mostly obituary poetry. It might have been a joke; he never admitted that, but it seems unlikely that any other obituary poetry would have failed to get published.

“My efforts were not received with approval,” was all he ever said of it afterward.

“My efforts were not received with approval,” was all he ever said about it afterward.

There were two or three characters in the 'Inquirer' office whom he did not forget. One of these was an old compositor who had “held a case” in that office for many years. His name was Frog, and sometimes when he went away the “office devils” would hang a line over his case, with a hook on it baited with a piece of red flannel. They never got tired of this joke, and Frog was always able to get as mad over it as he had been in the beginning. Another old fellow there furnished amusement. He owned a house in the distant part of the city and had an abnormal fear of fire. Now and then, when everything was quiet except the clicking of the types, some one would step to the window and say with a concerned air:

There were a couple of people in the 'Inquirer' office he never forgot. One was an old typesetter who had worked there for many years. His name was Frog, and sometimes when he left, the “office devils” would hang a line over his station with a hook baited with a piece of red flannel. They never got tired of this prank, and Frog was always able to get just as mad about it as he had been at the start. Another old guy there provided some laughs. He owned a house on the outskirts of the city and had an intense fear of fire. Occasionally, when everything was peaceful except for the sound of the types clicking, someone would walk to the window and say with a worried expression:

“Doesn't that smoke—[or that light, if it was evening]—seem to be in the northwestern part of the city?” or “There go the fire-bells again!” and away the old man would tramp up to the roof to investigate. It was not the most considerate sport, and it is to be feared that Sam Clemens had his share in it.

“Doesn't that smoke—[or that light, if it was evening]—seem to be coming from the northwest part of the city?” or “There go the fire alarms again!” and off the old man would march up to the roof to check it out. It wasn't the kindest game, and it’s likely that Sam Clemens was involved in it, too.

He found that he liked Philadelphia. He could save a little money there, for one thing, and now and then sent something to his mother—small amounts, but welcome and gratifying, no doubt. In a letter to Orion—whom he seems to have forgiven with absence—written October 26th, he incloses a gold dollar to buy her a handkerchief, and “to serve as a specimen of the kind of stuff we are paid with in Philadelphia.” Further along he adds:

He realized he liked Philadelphia. For one, he could save a bit of money there, and he occasionally sent something to his mom—small amounts, but appreciated and satisfying, for sure. In a letter to Orion—whom he seems to have forgiven by keeping his distance—written on October 26th, he included a gold dollar for her to buy a handkerchief, and “to serve as an example of the kind of money we get in Philadelphia.” Later on, he adds:

    Unlike New York, I like this Philadelphia amazingly, and the people
    in it. There is only one thing that gets my “dander” up—and that
    is the hands are always encouraging me: telling me “it's no use to
    get discouraged—no use to be downhearted, for there is more work
    here than you can do!” “Downhearted,” the devil! I have not had a
    particle of such a feeling since I left Hannibal, more than four
    months ago. I fancy they'll have to wait some time till they see me
    downhearted or afraid of starving while I have strength to work and
    am in a city of 400,000 inhabitants. When I was in Hannibal, before
    I had scarcely stepped out of the town limits, nothing could have
    convinced me that I would starve as soon as I got a little way from
    home.
Unlike New York, I really like this Philadelphia and the people here. There's just one thing that annoys me: my hands are always pushing me, telling me, "There's no point in getting discouraged—no point in feeling down, because there's more work here than you can handle!" "Feeling down," no way! I haven't felt that way at all since I left Hannibal over four months ago. I bet it'll take a long time before they see me feeling down or worrying about starving while I have the strength to work and I'm in a city of 400,000 people. When I was in Hannibal, before I had even stepped out of town, nothing could have convinced me that I'd starve as soon as I got a little distance from home.

He mentions the grave of Franklin in Christ Churchyard with its inscription “Benjamin and Deborah Franklin,” and one is sharply reminded of the similarity between the early careers of Benjamin Franklin and Samuel Clemens. Each learned the printer's trade; each worked in his brother's printing-office and wrote for the paper; each left quietly and went to New York, and from New York to Philadelphia, as a journeyman printer; each in due season became a world figure, many-sided, human, and of incredible popularity.

He talks about Franklin's grave in Christ Churchyard, which has the inscription “Benjamin and Deborah Franklin,” and it strongly reminds us of the similarities between the early careers of Benjamin Franklin and Samuel Clemens. Both learned the printing trade, worked in their brother's printing shop, and wrote for the newspaper; both quietly left for New York and then went to Philadelphia as journeyman printers; and eventually, each became a world figure—complex, relatable, and incredibly popular.

The foregoing letter ends with a long description of a trip made on the Fairmount stage. It is a good, vivid description—impressions of a fresh, sensitive mind, set down with little effort at fine writing; a letter to convey literal rather than literary enjoyment. The Wire Bridge, Fairmount Park and Reservoir, new buildings—all these passed in review. A fine residence about completed impressed him:

The letter wraps up with an extensive description of a trip taken on the Fairmount stage. It's a vibrant portrayal—thoughts from a fresh, sensitive perspective, written without much concern for polished prose; it's a letter meant to provide straightforward enjoyment rather than literary flair. The Wire Bridge, Fairmount Park and Reservoir, new buildings—all these were observed. He was particularly impressed by a beautiful house that was nearing completion:

    It was built entirely of great blocks of red granite. The pillars
    in front were all finished but one. These pillars were beautiful,
    ornamental fluted columns, considerably larger than a hogshead at
    the base, and about as high as Clapinger's second-story front
    windows.... To see some of them finished and standing, and
    then the huge blocks lying about, looks so massy, and carries one,
    in imagination, to the ruined piles of ancient Babylon. I despise
    the infernal bogus brick columns plastered over with mortar. Marble
    is the cheapest building-stone about Philadelphia.
It was made completely of large blocks of red granite. The pillars in front were all finished except for one. These pillars were stunning, decorative fluted columns, significantly larger than a barrel at the base, and about as tall as Clapinger's second-story front windows. Seeing some of them completed and standing, while the huge blocks lay around, feels so solid and takes you, in your mind, to the ruined structures of ancient Babylon. I can't stand those fake brick columns covered with mortar. Marble is the most affordable building stone around Philadelphia.

There is a flavor of the 'Innocents' about it; then a little further along:

There’s a vibe of the 'Innocents' about it; then a little further along:

    I saw small steamboats, with their signs up—“For Wissahickon and
    Manayunk 25 cents.” Geo. Lippard, in his Legends of Washington and
    his Generals, has rendered the Wissahickon sacred in my eyes, and I
    shall make that trip, as well as one to Germantown, soon....

    There is one fine custom observed in Phila. A gentleman is always
    expected to hand up a lady's money for her. Yesterday I sat in the
    front end of the bus, directly under the driver's box—a lady sat
    opposite me. She handed me her money, which was right. But, Lord!
    a St. Louis lady would think herself ruined if she should be so
    familiar with a stranger. In St. Louis a man will sit in the front
    end of the stage, and see a lady stagger from the far end to pay her
    fare.
    I saw small steamboats with their signs up—“For Wissahickon and Manayunk 25 cents.” Geo. Lippard, in his Legends of Washington and his Generals, has made the Wissahickon special to me, and I plan to take that trip, along with one to Germantown, soon....

    There is a nice tradition in Philly. A gentleman is always expected to take a lady's money for her. Yesterday I sat at the front of the bus, right under the driver's box—a lady sat across from me. She handed me her money, which was proper. But, wow! A lady from St. Louis would feel completely scandalized if she were so familiar with a stranger. In St. Louis, a man will sit at the front of the stage and watch a lady struggle from the back to pay her fare.

There are two more letters from Philadelphia: one of November, 28th, to Orion, who by this time had bought a paper in Muscatine, Iowa, and located the family there; and one to Pamela dated December 5th. Evidently Orion had realized that his brother might be of value as a contributor, for the latter says:

There are two more letters from Philadelphia: one from November 28th to Orion, who by then had bought a newspaper in Muscatine, Iowa, and moved the family there; and another to Pamela dated December 5th. Clearly, Orion had figured out that his brother could be helpful as a contributor, since the latter says:

    I will try to write for the paper occasionally, but I fear my
    letters will be very uninteresting, for this incessant night work
    dulls one's ideas amazingly.... I believe I am the only person in
    the Inquirer office that does not drink. One young fellow makes $18
    for a few weeks, and gets on a grand “bender” and spends every cent
    of it.

    How do you like “free soil”?—I would like amazingly to see a good
    old-fashioned negro. My love to all.

                  Truly your brother,     SAM
    I’ll try to write for the paper every now and then, but I worry my letters will be pretty boring since this constant night work really dulls your ideas.... I think I’m the only one in the Inquirer office who doesn’t drink. One young guy makes $18 in just a few weeks, goes on a wild binge, and spends every penny of it.

    What do you think of “free soil”?—I’d really love to see a good old-fashioned Black person. Send my love to everyone.

                  Your brother,     SAM

In the letter to Pamela he is clearly homesick.

In the letter to Pamela, he clearly feels homesick.

“I only want to return to avoid night work, which is injuring my eyes,” is the excuse, but in the next sentence he complains of the scarcity of letters from home and those “not written as they should be.” “One only has to leave home to learn how to write interesting letters to an absent friend,” he says, and in conclusion, “I don't like our present prospect for cold weather at all.”

“I just want to go back to avoid night shifts, which are hurting my eyes,” is the excuse, but in the next sentence, he complains about the lack of letters from home and those “not written as they should be.” “You only have to leave home to learn how to write interesting letters to a friend who’s away,” he says, and he finishes with, “I really don’t like our current outlook for cold weather at all.”

He had been gone half a year, and the first attack of home-longing, for a boy of his age, was due. The novelty of things had worn off; it was coming on winter; changes had taken place among his home people and friends; the life he had known best and longest was going on and he had no part in it. Leaning over his case, he sometimes hummed:

He had been away for six months, and it was about time for a boy his age to start feeling homesick. The excitement of everything new had faded; winter was approaching; things had changed among his family and friends; the life he had known for so long was continuing without him. As he leaned over his case, he sometimes hummed:

    “An exile from home, splendor dazzles in vain.”
 
“Being away from home, all the glamor just feels pointless.”

He weathered the attack and stuck it out for more than half a year longer. In January, when the days were dark and he grew depressed, he made a trip to Washington to see the sights of the capital. His stay was comparatively brief, and he did not work there. He returned to Philadelphia, working for a time on the Ledger and North American. Finally he went back to New York. There are no letters of this period. His second experience in New York appears not to have been recorded, and in later years was only vaguely remembered. It was late in the summer of 1854 when he finally set out on his return to the West. His 'Wanderjahr' had lasted nearly fifteen months.

He got through the tough times and held on for more than six months longer. In January, when the days were dark and he felt down, he took a trip to Washington to check out the sights of the capital. His stay was relatively short, and he didn’t do any work there. He went back to Philadelphia, working for a bit on the Ledger and North American. Eventually, he returned to New York. There are no letters from this time. His second stint in New York doesn’t seem to have been documented, and later on, it was only vaguely remembered. It was late summer 1854 when he finally set off on his journey back to the West. His 'Wanderjahr' had lasted almost fifteen months.

He went directly to St. Louis, sitting up three days and nights in a smoking-car to make the journey. He was worn out when he arrived, but stopped there only a few hours to see Pamela. It was his mother he was anxious for. He took the Keokuk Packet that night, and, flinging himself on his berth, slept the clock three times around, scarcely rousing or turning over, only waking at last at Muscatine. For a long time that missing day confused his calculations.

He went straight to St. Louis, spending three days and nights in a smoking car for the trip. He was exhausted when he got there, but he only stayed a few hours to see Pamela. His real concern was for his mother. That night, he took the Keokuk Packet, and after throwing himself on his bunk, he slept deeply, barely stirring or turning over, only waking up at Muscatine. For a long time, that lost day messed up his sense of time.

When he reached Orion's house the family sat at breakfast. He came in carrying a gun. They had not been expecting him, and there was a general outcry, and a rush in his direction. He warded them off, holding the butt of the gun in front of him.

When he got to Orion's house, the family was having breakfast. He walked in with a gun. They weren’t expecting him, and there was a loud commotion and everyone rushed toward him. He pushed them away, holding the back of the gun in front of him.

“You wouldn't let me buy a gun,” he said, “so I bought one myself, and I am going to use it, now, in self-defense.”

“You wouldn't let me buy a gun,” he said, “so I got one myself, and I'm going to use it now, for self-defense.”

“You, Sam! You, Sam!” cried Jane Clemens. “Behave yourself,” for she was wary of a gun.

“You, Sam! You, Sam!” shouted Jane Clemens. “Behave yourself,” because she was cautious around a gun.

Then he had had his joke and gave himself into his mother's arms.

Then he had his joke and gave himself to his mother's embrace.





XX. KEOKUK DAYS

Orion wished his brother to remain with him in the Muscatine office, but the young man declared he must go to St. Louis and earn some money before he would be able to afford that luxury: He returned to his place on the St. Louis Evening News, where he remained until late winter or early spring of the following year.

Orion wanted his brother to stay with him in the Muscatine office, but the young man insisted he had to go to St. Louis and make some money before he could afford that luxury. He went back to his job at the St. Louis Evening News, where he stayed until late winter or early spring of the following year.

He lived at this time with a Pavey family, probably one of the Hannibal Paveys, rooming with a youth named Frank E. Burrough, a journeyman chair-maker with a taste for Dickens, Thackeray, Scott, and Disraeli. Burrough had really a fine literary appreciation for his years, and the boys were comrades and close friends. Twenty-two years later Mark Twain exchanged with Burrough some impressions of himself at that earlier time. Clemens wrote:

He lived at this time with a Pavey family, probably one of the Hannibal Paveys, sharing a room with a young guy named Frank E. Burrough, a skilled chair-maker who enjoyed Dickens, Thackeray, Scott, and Disraeli. Burrough had a surprisingly deep appreciation for literature for his age, and the boys were close friends. Twenty-two years later, Mark Twain shared some thoughts about himself from that earlier time with Burrough. Clemens wrote:

    MY DEAR BURROUGH,—As you describe me I can picture myself as I was
    22 years ago. The portrait is correct. You think I have grown
    some; upon my word there was room for it. You have described a
    callow fool, a self-sufficient ass, a mere human tumble-bug, stern
    in air, heaving at his bit of dung, imagining that he is remodeling
    the world and is entirely capable of doing it right.... That is
    what I was at 19-20.
    MY DEAR BURROUGH,—As you describe me, I can picture myself as I was 22 years ago. The portrayal is accurate. You think I've grown a bit; honestly, there was plenty of room for that. You’ve painted a picture of a naive idiot, a self-important jerk, just a human dung beetle, acting tough, pushing at his little pile of crap, thinking he’s changing the world and can totally do it right.... That’s who I was at 19-20.

Orion Clemens in the mean time had married and removed to Keokuk. He had married during a visit to that city, in the casual, impulsive way so characteristic of him, and the fact that he had acquired a wife in the operation seemed at first to have escaped his inner consciousness. He tells it himself; he says:

Orion Clemens, in the meantime, had gotten married and moved to Keokuk. He had tied the knot during a visit to that city, in the casual, spontaneous way that was so typical of him, and it seemed like the fact that he had gained a wife in the process initially slipped his mind. He recounts it himself; he says:

    At sunrise on the next morning after the wedding we left in a stage
    for Muscatine. We halted for dinner at Burlington. After
    despatching that meal we stood on the pavement when the stage drove
    up, ready for departure. I climbed in, gathered the buffalo robe
    around me, and leaned back unconscious that I had anything further
    to do. A gentleman standing on the pavement said to my wife, “Miss,
    do you go by this stage?” I said, “Oh, I forgot!” and sprang out
    and helped her in. A wife was a new kind of possession to which I
    had not yet become accustomed; I had forgotten her.
    At sunrise the morning after the wedding, we left in a stagecoach for Muscatine. We stopped for lunch in Burlington. After finishing that meal, we stood on the sidewalk as the stagecoach pulled up, ready to leave. I climbed in, wrapped myself in the buffalo robe, and leaned back, not realizing I had anything else to do. A man standing on the sidewalk asked my wife, “Miss, are you taking this stage?” I said, “Oh, I forgot!” and quickly jumped out to help her in. Having a wife was a new kind of responsibility I wasn’t used to yet; I had completely forgotten about her.

Orion's wife had been Mary Stotts; her mother a friend of Jane Clemens's girlhood. She proved a faithful helpmate to Orion; but in those early days of marriage she may have found life with him rather trying, and it was her homesickness that brought them to Keokuk. Brother Sam came up from St. Louis, by and by, to visit them, and Orion offered him five dollars a week and board to remain. He accepted. The office at this time, or soon after, was located on the third floor of 52 Main Street, in the building at present occupied by the Paterson Shoe Company. Henry Clemens, now seventeen, was also in Orion's employ, and a lad by the name of Dick Hingham. Henry and Sam slept in the office, and Dick came in for social evenings. Also a young man named Edward Brownell, who clerked in the book-store on the ground floor.

Orion's wife was Mary Stotts; her mother was a friend of Jane Clemens from her childhood. She was a loyal partner to Orion, but in the early days of their marriage, life with him might have been quite challenging for her, and it was her longing for home that led them to Keokuk. Eventually, Brother Sam came up from St. Louis to visit them, and Orion offered him five dollars a week plus meals to stay. He accepted the offer. At this time, or shortly after, the office was located on the third floor of 52 Main Street, in the building currently occupied by the Paterson Shoe Company. Henry Clemens, now seventeen, was also working for Orion, along with a boy named Dick Hingham. Henry and Sam stayed in the office, while Dick dropped by for social evenings. There was also a young man named Edward Brownell, who worked as a clerk in the bookstore on the ground floor.

These were likely to be lively evenings. A music dealer and teacher, Professor Isbell, occupied the floor just below, and did not care for their diversions. He objected, but hardly in the right way. Had he gone to Samuel Clemens gently, he undoubtedly would have found him willing to make any concessions. Instead, he assailed him roughly, and the next evening the boys set up a lot of empty wine-bottles, which they had found in a barrel in a closet, and, with stones for balls, played tenpins on the office floor. This was Dick and Sam; Henry declined to join the game. Isbell rushed up-stairs and battered on the door, but they paid no attention. Next morning he waited for the young men and denounced them wildly. They merely ignored him, and that night organized a military company, made up of themselves and a new German apprentice-boy, and drilled up and down over the singing-class. Dick Hingham led these military manoeuvers. He was a girlish sort of a fellow, but he had a natural taste for soldiering. The others used to laugh at him. They called him a disguised girl, and declared he would run if a gun were really pointed in his direction. They were mistaken; seven years later Dick died at Fort Donelson with a bullet in his forehead: this, by the way.

These evenings were bound to be lively. A music dealer and teacher, Professor Isbell, lived just below and wasn't a fan of their antics. He complained, but not very effectively. If he had approached Samuel Clemens respectfully, he likely would have found him open to compromise. Instead, he confronted him aggressively, and the next night the boys set up a bunch of empty wine bottles they had found in a barrel in a closet and, using stones as balls, played tenpins on the office floor. This was Dick and Sam; Henry chose not to join in. Isbell stormed upstairs and pounded on the door, but they ignored him. The next morning, he waited for the young men and angrily condemned them. They simply brushed him off, and that night they formed a military company consisting of themselves and a new German apprentice, drilling up and down over the singing class. Dick Hingham led these military exercises. He was a somewhat effeminate guy, but he had a natural flair for soldiering. The others often teased him, calling him a disguised girl and saying he would run if a real gun were aimed at him. They were wrong; seven years later, Dick died at Fort Donelson with a bullet in his forehead. Just so you know.

Isbell now adopted new tactics. He came up very pleasantly and said:

Isbell now adopted new strategies. He approached in a friendly manner and said:

“I like your military practice better than your tenpin exercise, but on the whole it seems to disturb the young ladies. You see how it is yourself. You couldn't possibly teach music with a company of raw recruits drilling overhead—now, could you? Won't you please stop it? It bothers my pupils.”

“I like your military drills better than your bowling practices, but overall it seems to upset the young ladies. You can see how it is yourself. You couldn't possibly teach music with a bunch of inexperienced recruits practicing right above you—could you? Could you please stop it? It’s distracting my students.”

Sam Clemens regarded him with mild surprise.

Sam Clemens looked at him with mild surprise.

“Does it?” he said, very deliberately. “Why didn't you mention it before? To be sure we don't want to disturb the young ladies.”

“Does it?” he said slowly. “Why didn't you bring it up earlier? We definitely don’t want to disturb the young ladies.”

They gave up the horse-play, and not only stopped the disturbance, but joined one of the singing—classes. Samuel Clemens had a pretty good voice in those days and could drum fairly well on a piano and guitar. He did not become a brilliant musician, but he was easily the most popular member of the singing-class.

They stopped the horseplay, not only quieting down but also joining one of the singing classes. Samuel Clemens had a decent singing voice back then and could play the piano and guitar reasonably well. He didn’t become an extraordinary musician, but he was definitely the most popular member of the singing class.

They liked his frank nature, his jokes, and his humor; his slow, quaint fashion of speech. The young ladies called him openly and fondly a “fool”—a term of endearment, as they applied it meaning only that he kept them in a more or less constant state of wonder and merriment; and indeed it would have been hard for them to say whether he was really light-minded and frivolous or the wisest of them all. He was twenty now and at the age for love-making; yet he remained, as in Hannibal, a beau rather than a suitor, good friend and comrade to all, wooer of none. Ella Creel, a cousin on the Lampton side, a great belle; also Ella Patterson (related through Orion's wife and generally known as “Ick”), and Belle Stotts were perhaps his favorite companions, but there were many more. He was always ready to stop and be merry with them, full of his pranks and pleasantries; though they noticed that he quite often carried a book under his arm—a history or a volume of Dickens or the tales of Edgar Allan Poe.

They enjoyed his straightforward personality, his jokes, and his sense of humor; his slow, charming way of speaking. The young ladies affectionately called him a “fool”—a term of endearment, meaning he kept them in a constant state of curiosity and laughter; it was hard for them to tell if he was truly silly or the smartest one among them. Now that he was twenty, he was at the right age for pursuing love; yet he remained, like in Hannibal, more of a charming guy than a serious suitor, a good friend and buddy to everyone, and a pursuer of none. Ella Creel, a cousin from the Lampton side and a great beauty; also Ella Patterson (connected through Orion's wife and commonly known as “Ick”), and Belle Stotts were probably his favorite friends, but there were many others. He was always eager to stop and have fun with them, full of his pranks and jokes; though they noticed he often carried a book under his arm—a history book or a volume of Dickens or the stories of Edgar Allan Poe.

He read at odd moments; at night voluminously—until very late, sometimes. Already in that early day it was his habit to smoke in bed, and he had made him an Oriental pipe of the hubble-bubble variety, because it would hold more and was more comfortable than the regular short pipe of daytime use.

He read during random moments; at night extensively—sometimes until very late. Even back then, he had a habit of smoking in bed, and he crafted an Oriental pipe of the hookah type because it held more and was more comfortable than the regular short pipe he used during the day.

But it had its disadvantages. Sometimes it would go out, and that would mean sitting up and reaching for a match and leaning over to light the bowl which stood on the floor. Young Brownell from below was passing upstairs to his room on the fourth floor one night when he heard Sam Clemens call. The two were great chums by this time, and Brownell poked his head in at the door.

But it had its downsides. Sometimes it would go out, and that meant sitting up to grab a match and leaning over to light the bowl that was on the floor. One night, young Brownell from downstairs was heading up to his room on the fourth floor when he heard Sam Clemens call. The two had become great friends by this time, and Brownell popped his head in through the door.

“What will you have, Sam?” he asked.

“What do you want, Sam?” he asked.

“Come in, Ed; Henry's asleep, and I am in trouble. I want somebody to light my pipe.”

“Come in, Ed; Henry's asleep, and I'm in trouble. I need someone to light my pipe.”

“Why don't you get up and light it yourself?” Brownell asked.

“Why don't you get up and light it yourself?” Brownell asked.

“I would, only I knew you'd be along in a few minutes and would do it for me.”

“I would, but I knew you’d be here in a few minutes and would do it for me.”

Brownell scratched the necessary match, stooped down, and applied it.

Brownell struck the match, bent down, and lit it.

“What are you reading, Sam?” he asked.

“What are you reading, Sam?” he asked.

“Oh, nothing much—a so-called funny book—one of these days I'll write a funnier book than that, myself.”

“Oh, not much—just a so-called funny book—one of these days I'll write a funnier book than that myself.”

Brownell laughed.

Brownell chuckled.

“No, you won't, Sam,” he said. “You are too lazy ever to write a book.”

“No, you won't, Sam,” he said. “You're way too lazy to ever write a book.”

A good many years later when the name “Mark Twain” had begun to stand for American humor the owner of it gave his “Sandwich Island” lecture in Keokuk. Speaking of the unreliability of the islanders, he said: “The king is, I believe, one of the greatest liars on the face of the earth, except one; and I am very sorry to locate that one right here in the city of Keokuk, in the person of Ed Brownell.”

A lot of years later, when the name "Mark Twain" started to represent American humor, he gave his "Sandwich Island" lecture in Keokuk. Talking about how unreliable the islanders are, he said: "The king is, I think, one of the biggest liars on the planet, except for one; and I regret to say that one is right here in the city of Keokuk, and that’s Ed Brownell."

The Keokuk episode in Mark Twain's life was neither very long nor very actively important. It extended over a period of less than two years—two vital years, no doubt, if all the bearings could be known—but they were not years of startling occurrence.

The Keokuk chapter in Mark Twain's life wasn’t very long or especially important. It lasted less than two years—two significant years, for sure, if all the details were known—but they weren’t years filled with dramatic events.

Yet he made at least one beginning there: at a printers' banquet he delivered his first after-dinner speech; a hilarious speech—its humor of a primitive kind. Whatever its shortcomings, it delighted his audience, and raised him many points in the public regard. He had entered a field of entertainment in which he would one day have no rival. They impressed him into a debating society after that, and there was generally a stir of attention when Sam Clemens was about to take the floor.

Yet he made at least one start there: at a printers' banquet he gave his first after-dinner speech; a hilarious speech—its humor was pretty basic. Whatever its flaws, it thrilled his audience and boosted his reputation. He had entered a world of entertainment where he would one day have no equal. They recruited him into a debating society after that, and there was usually a buzz of excitement when Sam Clemens was about to speak.

Orion Clemens records how his brother undertook to teach the German apprentice music.

Orion Clemens notes how his brother took on the task of teaching the German apprentice music.

“There was an old guitar in the office and Sam taught Fritz a song beginning:

“There was an old guitar in the office, and Sam taught Fritz a song that started with:

    “Grasshopper sitting on a sweet-potato vine,
    Turkey came along and yanked him from behind.”
 
    “A grasshopper resting on a sweet potato vine,  
    A turkey came by and pulled him from behind.”

The main point in the lesson was in giving to the word “yanked” the proper expression and emphasis, accompanied by a sweep of the fingers across the strings. With serious face and deep earnestness Fritz in his broken English would attempt these lines, while his teacher would bend over and hold his sides with laughter at each ridiculous effort. Without intending it, Fritz had his revenge. One day his tormentor's hand was caught in the press when the German boy was turning the wheel. Sam called to him to stop, but the boy's mind was slow to grasp the situation. The hand was badly wounded, though no bones were broken. In due time it recovered, its power and dexterity, but the trace of the scars remained.

The main point of the lesson was to give the word “yanked” the right expression and emphasis, along with a sweep of the fingers across the strings. With a serious face and deep commitment, Fritz would try these lines in his broken English, while his teacher would lean over, holding his sides with laughter at every ridiculous attempt. Without meaning to, Fritz got his revenge. One day, his tormentor's hand got caught in the press while the German boy was turning the wheel. Sam called out for him to stop, but the boy was slow to understand what was happening. The hand was badly injured, though no bones were broken. Eventually, it healed and regained its strength and dexterity, but the scars were still evident.

Orion's printing-office was not a prosperous one; he had not the gift of prosperity in any form. When he found it difficult to pay his brother's wages, he took him into partnership, which meant that Sam got no wages at all, barely a living, for the office could not keep its head above water.

Orion's printing shop wasn't doing well; he just didn't have a knack for success in any way. When he struggled to pay his brother's salary, he made him a partner, which meant Sam didn't earn anything at all, barely scraping by, since the business couldn't stay afloat.

The junior partner was not disturbed, however. He cared little for money in those days, beyond his actual needs, and these were modest enough. His mother, now with Pamela, was amply provided for. Orion himself tells how his business dwindled away. He printed a Keokuk directory, but it did not pay largely. He was always too eager for the work; too low in his bid for it. Samuel Clemens in this directory is set down as “an antiquarian” a joke, of course, though the point of it is now lost.

The junior partner wasn't bothered, though. Back then, he didn't care much about money, other than for his basic needs, which were pretty modest. His mother, who was now with Pamela, was well taken care of. Orion himself describes how his business declined. He printed a Keokuk directory, but it didn't make much profit. He was always too eager for the work and too low in his bids. Samuel Clemens is listed in this directory as “an antiquarian,” which was a joke, though its significance is now forgotten.

Only two of his Keokuk letters have been preserved. The first indicates the general disorder of the office and a growing dissatisfaction. It is addressed to his mother and sister and bears date of June 10, 1856.

Only two of his Keokuk letters have survived. The first one shows the overall chaos of the office and a rising discontent. It's addressed to his mom and sister and is dated June 10, 1856.

    I don't like to work at too many things at once. They take Henry
    and Dick away from me, too. Before we commenced the Directory,
    —[Orion printed two editions of the directory. This was probably
    the second one.]—I could tell before breakfast just how much work
    could be done during the day, and manage accordingly—but now, they
    throw all my plans into disorder by taking my hands away from their
    work.... I am not getting along well with the job-work. I can't
    work blindly—without system. I gave Dick a job yesterday, which I
    calculated he could set in two hours and I could work off on the
    press in three, and therefore just finish it by supper-time, but he
    was transferred to the Directory, and the job, promised this
    morning, remains untouched. Through all the great pressure of job-
    work lately, I never before failed in a promise of the kind...
I don’t like to juggle too many things at once. They take Henry and Dick away from me, too. Before we started the Directory, —[Orion printed two editions of the directory. This was probably the second one.]— I could estimate how much work we could get done in a day before breakfast and plan accordingly—but now, they mess up all my plans by pulling my hands away from their tasks.... I’m not handling the job work well. I can’t work without a system. I gave Dick a task yesterday that I figured he could set up in two hours and I could finish on the press in three, so I thought we’d just wrap it up by supper time, but he got switched over to the Directory, and the job, which was promised this morning, still hasn’t been touched. Despite the heavy workload lately, I’ve never failed to follow through on a promise like this before...

The other letter is dated two months later, August 5th. It was written to Henry, who was visiting in St. Louis or Hannibal at the time, and introduces the first mention of the South American fever, which now possessed the writer. Lynch and Herndon had completed their survey of the upper Amazon, and Lieutenant Herndon's account of the exploration was being widely read. Poring over the book nights, young Clemens had been seized with a desire to go to the headwaters of the South American river, there to collect coca and make a fortune. All his life he was subject to such impulses as that, and ways and means were not always considered. It did not occur to him that it would be difficult to get to the Amazon and still more difficult to ascend the river. It was his nature to see results with a dazzling largeness that blinded him to the detail of their achievement. In the “Turning-point” article already mentioned he refers to this. He says:

The other letter is dated two months later, August 5th. It was written to Henry, who was visiting in St. Louis or Hannibal at the time, and introduces the first mention of the South American fever, which had now taken hold of the writer. Lynch and Herndon had finished their survey of the upper Amazon, and Lieutenant Herndon's account of the exploration was being widely read. As he poured over the book at night, young Clemens was struck by a desire to travel to the headwaters of the South American river, to collect coca and make a fortune. Throughout his life, he experienced impulses like that, often without considering the practicality of it all. He didn’t realize how hard it would be to reach the Amazon and even harder to navigate upstream. It was in his nature to envision the end results in grand, sweeping terms, which blinded him to the specific details needed to achieve them. In the “Turning-point” article already mentioned, he references this. He says:

    That was more than fifty years ago. In all that time my temperament
    has not changed by even a shade. I have been punished many and many
    a time, and bitterly, for doing things and reflecting afterward, but
    these tortures have been of no value to me; I still do the thing
    commanded by Circumstance and Temperament, and reflect afterward.
    Always violently. When I am reflecting on these occasions, even
    deaf persons can hear me think.
That was over fifty years ago. Throughout that time, my temperament hasn’t changed at all. I’ve been punished countless times, and quite harshly, for acting first and thinking later, but these punishments have meant nothing to me; I still do what Circumstance and Temperament dictate and think about it afterward. Always intensely. When I’m reflecting during these moments, even deaf people can hear my thoughts.

In the letter to Henry we see that his resolve was already made, his plans matured; also that Orion had not as yet been taken into full confidence.

In the letter to Henry, we see that he had already made up his mind and his plans were fully developed; also, that Orion had not yet been completely trusted.

    Ma knows my determination, but even she counsels me to keep it from
    Orion. She says I can treat him as I did her when I started to St.
    Louis and went to New York—I can start for New York and go to South
    America.
    Ma knows how determined I am, but even she advises me to keep that from Orion. She says I can handle him like I did her when I was heading to St. Louis and then went to New York—I can plan for New York and then go to South America.

He adds that Orion had promised him fifty or one hundred dollars, but that he does not depend upon it, and will make other arrangements. He fears obstacles may be put in his way, and he will bring various influences to bear.

He adds that Orion promised him fifty or a hundred dollars, but he doesn't rely on it and will make other plans. He worries that obstacles might be placed in his way, and he will use different influences to deal with them.

    I shall take care that Ma and Orion are plentifully supplied with
    South American books: They have Herndon's report now. Ward and the
    Dr. and myself will hold a grand consultation to-night at the
    office. We have agreed that no more shall be admitted into our
    company.
    I'll make sure that Ma and Orion have plenty of South American books: They already have Herndon's report. Ward, the Dr., and I will have a big meeting tonight at the office. We've decided that no one else will be let into our group.

He had enlisted those two adventurers in his enterprise: a Doctor Martin and the young man, Ward. They were very much in earnest, but the start was not made as planned, most likely for want of means.

He had brought those two adventurers into his project: Doctor Martin and the young man, Ward. They were really committed, but the journey didn't begin as intended, probably due to a lack of resources.

Young Clemens, however, did not give up the idea. He made up his mind to work in the direction of his desire, following his trade and laying by money for the venture. But Fate or Providence or Accident—whatever we may choose to call the unaccountable—stepped in just then, and laid before him the means of turning another sharp corner in his career. One of those things happened which we refuse to accept in fiction as possible; but fact has a smaller regard for the credibilities.

Young Clemens, however, didn't give up on the idea. He decided to work towards his goal, practicing his trade and saving money for the venture. But fate, providence, or just plain chance—whatever you want to call the unexplained—intervened at that moment, presenting him with the opportunity to take a different turn in his career. Something occurred that we often dismiss as unrealistic in fiction; however, reality tends to have a more relaxed view of what’s believable.

As in the case of the Joan of Arc episode (and this adds to its marvel), it was the wind that brought the talismanic gift. It was a day in early November—bleak, bitter, and gusty, with curling snow; most persons were indoors. Samuel Clemens, going down Main Street, saw a flying bit of paper pass him and lodge against the side of a building. Something about it attracted him and he captured it. It was a fifty-dollar bill. He had never seen one before, but he recognized it. He thought he must be having a pleasant dream.

Just like in the Joan of Arc story (which makes it even more incredible), it was the wind that delivered the lucky gift. It was an early November day—cold, harsh, and windy, with swirling snow; most people were inside. Samuel Clemens, walking down Main Street, saw a piece of paper fly past him and stick to the side of a building. Something about it caught his attention, and he grabbed it. It was a fifty-dollar bill. He had never seen one before, but he recognized it. He thought he must be dreaming.

The temptation came to pocket his good-fortune and say nothing. His need of money was urgent, but he had also an urgent and troublesome conscience; in the end he advertised his find.

The temptation was to keep his good luck to himself and say nothing. He really needed the money, but his conscience was also getting to him; in the end, he chose to report his find.

“I didn't describe it very particularly, and I waited in daily fear that the owner would turn up and take away my fortune. By and by I couldn't stand it any longer. My conscience had gotten all that was coming to it. I felt that I must take that money out of danger.”

“I didn’t explain it very well, and I lived in constant fear that the owner would show up and claim my fortune. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. My conscience had taken all it could handle. I felt I needed to get that money out of harm's way.”

In the “Turning-point” article he says: “I advertised the find and left for the Amazon the same day,” a statement which we may accept with a literary discount.

In the “Turning-point” article, he states: “I advertised the find and left for the Amazon the same day,” a claim we can take with a grain of salt.

As a matter of fact, he remained ample time and nobody ever came for the money. It may have been swept out of a bank or caught up by the wind from some counting-room table. It may have materialized out of the unseen—who knows? At all events it carried him the first stage of a journey, the end of which he little dreamed.

In fact, he had plenty of time, and no one ever showed up for the money. It could have been taken from a bank or blown away by the wind from some office desk. It might have appeared out of nowhere—who knows? In any case, it took him on the first leg of a journey, the outcome of which he could hardly imagine.





XXI. SCOTCHMAN NAMED MACFARLANE

He concluded to go to Cincinnati, which would be on the way either to New York or New Orleans (he expected to sail from one of these points), but first paid a brief visit to his mother in St. Louis, for he had a far journey and along absence in view. Jane Clemens made him renew his promise as to cards and liquor, and gave him her blessing. He had expected to go from St. Louis to Cincinnati, but a new idea—a literary idea—came to him, and he returned to Keokuk. The Saturday Post, a Keokuk weekly, was a prosperous sheet giving itself certain literary airs. He was in favor with the management, of which George Rees was the head, and it had occurred to him that he could send letters of his travels to the Post—for, a consideration. He may have had a still larger ambition; at least, the possibility of a book seems to have been in his consciousness. Rees agreed to take letters from him at five dollars each—good payment for that time and place. The young traveler, jubilant in the prospect of receiving money for literature, now made another start, this time by way of Quincy, Chicago, and Indianapolis according to his first letter in the Post.—[Supplied by Thomas Rees, of the Springfield (Illinois) Register, son of George Rees named.]

He decided to go to Cincinnati, which would be on the way to either New York or New Orleans (he planned to sail from one of these places), but first he stopped briefly to see his mother in St. Louis, since he had a long journey and a long absence ahead of him. Jane Clemens made him promise again about avoiding cards and alcohol, and she gave him her blessing. He had intended to travel from St. Louis to Cincinnati, but a new idea—a literary idea—occurred to him, and he went back to Keokuk. The Saturday Post, a weekly newspaper in Keokuk, was doing well and portrayed itself as somewhat literary. He was in good standing with the management, headed by George Rees, and it struck him that he could send travel letters to the Post—for a fee. He might have had an even bigger goal; at least, the idea of writing a book seemed to be on his mind. Rees agreed to buy letters from him at five dollars each—which was good pay for that time and place. The young traveler, excited about the prospect of earning money from writing, set off again, this time through Quincy, Chicago, and Indianapolis, according to his first letter in the Post.—[Supplied by Thomas Rees, of the Springfield (Illinois) Register, son of George Rees named.]

This letter is dated Cincinnati, November 14, 1856, and it is not a promising literary production. It was written in the exaggerated dialect then regarded as humorous, and while here and there are flashes of the undoubted Mark Twain type, they are few and far between. The genius that a little more than ten years later would delight the world flickered feebly enough at twenty-one. The letter is a burlesque account of the trip to Cincinnati. A brief extract from it, as characteristic as any, will serve.

This letter is dated Cincinnati, November 14, 1856, and it isn’t a particularly noteworthy piece of writing. It uses the exaggerated dialect that was considered funny at the time, and while there are a few glimpses of the unmistakable Mark Twain style, they’re rare. The talent that would soon amaze the world was barely visible at age twenty-one. The letter provides a humorous account of the trip to Cincinnati. A brief excerpt from it, as typical as any, will suffice.

    I went down one night to the railroad office there, purty close onto
    the Laclede House, and bought about a quire o' yaller paper, cut up
    into tickets—one for each railroad in the United States, I thought,
    but I found out afterwards that the Alexandria and Boston Air-Line
    was left out—and then got a baggage feller to take my trunk down to
    the boat, where he spilled it out on the levee, bustin' it open and
    shakin' out the contents, consisting of “guides” to Chicago, and
    “guides” to Cincinnati, and travelers' guides, and all kinds of sich
    books, not excepting a “guide to heaven,” which last aint much use
    to a Teller in Chicago, I kin tell you. Finally, that fast packet
    quit ringing her bell, and started down the river—but she hadn't
    gone morn a mile, till she ran clean up on top of a sand-bar, whar
    she stuck till plum one o'clock, spite of the Captain's swearin'
    —and they had to set the whole crew to cussin' at last afore they
    got her off.
I went down one night to the train station near the Laclede House and bought about a ream of yellow paper, cut into tickets—one for each railroad in the United States, or so I thought, but I later found out that the Alexandria and Boston Air-Line was missing—and then I got a baggage guy to take my suitcase down to the boat, where he dumped it out on the levee, breaking it open and spilling out the contents, which included “guides” to Chicago, “guides” to Cincinnati, traveler’s guides, and all sorts of those books, including a “guide to heaven,” which isn’t much use to a teller in Chicago, I can tell you. Finally, that fast boat stopped ringing its bell and started down the river—but it hadn’t gone more than a mile when it ran right up onto a sandbar, where it got stuck until exactly one o’clock, despite the Captain’s swearing—and they had to get the whole crew to start cursing before they finally managed to get her off.

This is humor, we may concede, of that early American type which a little later would have its flower in Nasby and Artemus Ward. Only careful examination reveals in it a hint of the later Mark Twain. The letters were signed “Snodgrass,” and there are but two of them. The second, dated exactly four months after the first, is in the same assassinating dialect, and recounts among other things the scarcity of coal in Cincinnati and an absurd adventure in which Snodgrass has a baby left on his hands.

This is humor, we might agree, of that early American kind which would later blossom into works by Nasby and Artemus Ward. Only a close look shows a hint of the later Mark Twain in it. The letters were signed “Snodgrass,” and there are just two of them. The second one, dated exactly four months after the first, uses the same sharp dialect and shares, among other things, the lack of coal in Cincinnati and a ridiculous situation where Snodgrass ends up with a baby to take care of.

From the fewness of the letters we may assume that Snodgrass found them hard work, and it is said he raised on the price. At all events, the second concluded the series. They are mainly important in that they are the first of his contributions that have been preserved; also the first for which he received a cash return.

From the small number of letters, we can assume that Snodgrass found writing them to be difficult, and it's said he increased his price. In any case, the second letter completed the series. They are mainly significant because they are the first of his contributions that have been kept; also, the first for which he received payment.

He secured work at his trade in Cincinnati at the printing-office of Wrightson & Co., and remained there until April, 1857. That winter in Cincinnati was eventless enough, but it was marked by one notable association—one that beyond doubt forwarded Samuel Clemens's general interest in books, influenced his taste, and inspired in him certain views and philosophies which he never forgot.

He got a job in his field at a printing office called Wrightson & Co. in Cincinnati and stayed there until April 1857. That winter in Cincinnati was pretty uneventful, but it was highlighted by one significant connection—one that undoubtedly sparked Samuel Clemens's overall interest in books, shaped his tastes, and inspired certain beliefs and philosophies that he always remembered.

He lodged at a cheap boarding-house filled with the usual commonplace people, with one exception. This exception was a long, lank, unsmiling Scotchman named Macfarlane, who was twice as old as Clemens and wholly unlike him—without humor or any comprehension of it. Yet meeting on the common plane of intellect, the two became friends. Clemens spent his evenings in Macfarlane's room until the clock struck ten; then Macfarlane grilled a herring, just as the Englishman Sumner in Philadelphia had done two years before, and the evening ended.

He stayed at a budget boarding house filled with the usual ordinary people, except for one. This one was a tall, skinny, serious Scotsman named Macfarlane, who was twice Clemens's age and completely different from him—lacking any sense of humor or understanding of it. Still, sharing a common level of intellect, the two became friends. Clemens spent his evenings in Macfarlane's room until the clock struck ten; then Macfarlane cooked a herring, just like the Englishman Sumner had done in Philadelphia two years earlier, and that was how the evening ended.

Macfarlane had books, serious books: histories, philosophies, and scientific works; also a Bible and a dictionary. He had studied these and knew them by heart; he was a direct and diligent talker. He never talked of himself, and beyond the statement that he had acquired his knowledge from reading, and not at school, his personality was a mystery. He left the house at six in the morning and returned at the same hour in the evening. His hands were hardened from some sort of toil-mechanical labor, his companion thought, but he never knew. He would have liked to know, and he watched for some reference to slip out that would betray Macfarlane's trade; but this never happened.

Macfarlane had a collection of serious books: histories, philosophies, and scientific texts; along with a Bible and a dictionary. He had studied them thoroughly and knew them by heart; he was straightforward and hardworking in conversation. He rarely spoke about himself, and apart from mentioning that he gained his knowledge from reading rather than school, his personality remained a mystery. He left the house at six in the morning and returned at the same time in the evening. His hands were rough from some kind of labor, his companion assumed, but he never found out for sure. He wanted to know and kept an eye out for any hints that might reveal Macfarlane's occupation, but it never happened.

What he did learn was that Macfarlane was a veritable storehouse of abstruse knowledge; a living dictionary, and a thinker and philosopher besides. He had at least one vanity: the claim that he knew every word in the English dictionary, and he made it good. The younger man tried repeatedly to discover a word that Macfarlane could not define.

What he learned was that Macfarlane was a true treasure trove of obscure knowledge; a living dictionary, as well as a thinker and philosopher. He had at least one ego boost: the assertion that he knew every word in the English dictionary, and he backed it up. The younger man tried time and again to find a word that Macfarlane couldn't define.

Perhaps Macfarlane was vain of his other mental attainments, for he never tired of discoursing upon deep and grave matters, and his companion never tired of listening. This Scotch philosopher did not always reflect the conclusions of others; he had speculated deeply and strikingly on his own account. That was a good while before Darwin and Wallace gave out—their conclusions on the Descent of Man; yet Macfarlane was already advancing a similar philosophy. He went even further: Life, he said, had been developed in the course of ages from a few microscopic seed-germs—from one, perhaps, planted by the Creator in the dawn of time, and that from this beginning development on an ascending scale had finally produced man. Macfarlane said that the scheme had stopped there, and failed; that man had retrograded; that man's heart was the only bad one in the animal kingdom: that man was the only animal capable of malice, vindictiveness, drunkenness—almost the only animal that could endure personal uncleanliness. He said that man's intellect was a depraving addition to him which, in the end, placed him in a rank far below the other beasts, though it enabled him to keep them in servitude and captivity, along with many members of his own race.

Maybe Macfarlane was proud of his other intellectual achievements, because he never got tired of talking about serious and profound topics, and his companion never got tired of listening. This Scottish philosopher didn't just reflect other people's ideas; he had thought deeply and uniquely for himself. This was long before Darwin and Wallace shared their conclusions about the Origin of Man, yet Macfarlane was already developing a similar philosophy. He went even further: he claimed that life had evolved over ages from a few microscopic seed-germs—perhaps one that the Creator planted at the beginning of time—and that from this starting point, development on an upward scale ultimately led to humanity. Macfarlane argued that this progress had stagnated and declined; that humanity had regressed; that the human heart was the only corrupt one in the animal kingdom; that humans were the only creatures capable of malice, vindictiveness, drunkenness—almost the only animals that could tolerate personal filthiness. He suggested that human intellect was a corrupting addition to our existence which, ultimately, placed us below other animals, even though it allowed us to dominate and confine not only them but also many of our own kind.

They were long, fermenting discourses that young Samuel Clemens listened to that winter in Macfarlane's room, and those who knew the real Mark Twain and his philosophies will recognize that those evenings left their impress upon him for life.

They were lengthy, deep conversations that young Samuel Clemens listened to that winter in Macfarlane's room, and those who know the real Mark Twain and his beliefs will recognize that those evenings made a lasting impression on him.





XXII. THE OLD CALL OF THE RIVER

When spring came, with budding life and quickening impulses; when the trees in the parks began to show a hint of green, the Amazonian idea developed afresh, and the would-be coca-hunter prepared for his expedition. He had saved a little money—enough to take him to New Orleans—and he decided to begin his long trip with a peaceful journey down the Mississippi, for once, at least, to give himself up to that indolent luxury of the majestic stream that had been so large a part of his early dreams.

When spring arrived, bringing new life and renewed energy; when the trees in the parks started to show a hint of green, the Amazonian idea came back to life, and the aspiring coca hunter got ready for his journey. He had saved up some money—enough to take him to New Orleans—and he decided to kick off his long trip with a relaxing journey down the Mississippi, to indulge for once in the leisurely luxury of the grand river that had featured so prominently in his early dreams.

The Ohio River steamers were not the most sumptuous craft afloat, but they were slow and hospitable. The winter had been bleak and hard. “Spring fever” and a large love of indolence had combined in that drowsy condition which makes one willing to take his time.

The Ohio River steamers weren't the fanciest boats out there, but they were slow and welcoming. The winter had been tough and dreary. "Spring fever" and a big desire to relax came together in that sleepy feeling that makes you want to take it easy.

Mark Twain tells us in Life on the Mississippi that he “ran away,” vowing never to return until he could come home a pilot, shedding glory. This is a literary statement. The pilot ambition had never entirely died; but it was coca and the Amazon that were uppermost in his head when he engaged passage on the Paul Jones for New Orleans, and so conferred immortality on that ancient little craft. He bade good-by to Macfarlane, put his traps aboard, the bell rang, the whistle blew, the gang-plank was hauled in, and he had set out on a voyage that was to continue not for a week or a fortnight, but for four years—four marvelous, sunlit years, the glory of which would color all that followed them.

Mark Twain shares in Life on the Mississippi that he “ran away,” promising never to come back until he could return as a pilot, basking in glory. This is a literary statement. The dream of becoming a pilot had never fully faded; however, it was thoughts of coca and the Amazon that filled his mind when he booked a passage on the Paul Jones to New Orleans, giving that old little boat a place in history. He said goodbye to Macfarlane, loaded his stuff on board, the bell rang, the whistle blew, the gangplank was pulled in, and he embarked on a journey that would last not just a week or two, but four years—four incredible, sunlit years, the brilliance of which would influence everything that came after.

In the Mississippi book the author conveys the impression of being then a boy of perhaps seventeen. Writing from that standpoint he records incidents that were more or less inventions or that happened to others. He was, in reality, considerably more than twenty-one years old, for it was in April, 1857, that he went aboard the Paul Jones; and he was fairly familiar with steamboats and the general requirements of piloting. He had been brought up in a town that turned out pilots; he had heard the talk of their trade. One at least of the Bowen boys was already on the river while Sam Clemens was still a boy in Hannibal, and had often been home to air his grandeur and dilate on the marvel of his work. That learning the river was no light task Sam Clemens very well knew. Nevertheless, as the little boat made its drowsy way down the river into lands that grew ever pleasanter with advancing spring, the old “permanent ambition” of boyhood stirred again, and the call of the far-away Amazon, with its coca and its variegated zoology, grew faint.

In the Mississippi book, the author gives the impression of being a boy around seventeen. Writing from that perspective, he shares stories that are mostly made up or that happened to other people. In reality, he was over twenty-one, as he boarded the Paul Jones in April 1857 and was quite experienced with steamboats and the basics of piloting. He grew up in a town known for producing pilots and had heard the discussions about their profession. At least one of the Bowen boys was already working on the river while Sam Clemens was still a kid in Hannibal, often coming home to brag about his impressive job and share stories about the wonders of his work. Sam Clemens understood well that learning the river was no easy feat. Still, as the small boat slowly made its way down the river into increasingly beautiful landscapes with the arrival of spring, the old “permanent ambition” of his childhood stirred once again, and the allure of the distant Amazon, with its coca and diverse wildlife, faded.

Horace Bixby, pilot of the Paul Jones, then a man of thirty-two, still living (1910) and at the wheel,—[The writer of this memoir interviewed Mr. Bixby personally, and has followed his phrasing throughout.]—was looking out over the bow at the head of Island No. 35 when he heard a slow, pleasant voice say:

Horace Bixby, the pilot of the Paul Jones, who was thirty-two years old and still alive in 1910, was at the wheel—[The author of this memoir spoke with Mr. Bixby directly and has kept his wording consistent.]—looking out over the bow at the head of Island No. 35 when he heard a calm, friendly voice say:

“Good morning.”

“Good morning.”

Bixby was a clean-cut, direct, courteous man.

Bixby was a polished, straightforward, and polite guy.

“Good morning, sir,” he said, briskly, without looking around.

“Good morning, sir,” he said quickly, without glancing around.

As a rule Mr. Bixby did not care for visitors in the pilot-house. This one presently came up and stood a little behind him.

As a general rule, Mr. Bixby didn’t like having visitors in the pilot house. This one came up and stood slightly behind him.

“How would you like a young man to learn the river?” he said.

“How would you like a young guy to learn the river?” he asked.

The pilot glanced over his shoulder and saw a rather slender, loose-limbed young fellow with a fair, girlish complexion and a great tangle of auburn hair.

The pilot looked back and saw a pretty slender young guy with a light, boyish complexion and a messy bunch of auburn hair.

“I wouldn't like it. Cub pilots are more trouble than they're worth. A great deal more trouble than profit.”

"I wouldn't like it. Cub pilots are more hassle than they're worth. A lot more trouble than they are worth."

The applicant was not discouraged.

The applicant remained undeterred.

“I am a printer by trade,” he went on, in his easy, deliberate way. “It doesn't agree with me. I thought I'd go to South America.”

“I’m a printer by trade,” he continued, speaking slowly and clearly. “It doesn’t suit me. I thought about going to South America.”

Bixby kept his eye on the river; but a note of interest crept into his voice.

Bixby kept an eye on the river, but a hint of interest slipped into his voice.

“What makes you pull your words that way?” (“pulling” being the river term for drawling), he asked.

“What makes you say your words like that?” (“pulling” being the river term for drawling), he asked.

The young man had taken a seat on the visitors' bench.

The young man sat down on the visitors' bench.

“You'll have to ask my mother,” he said, more slowly than ever. “She pulls hers, too.”

"You'll need to ask my mom," he said, even slower than before. "She does it too."

Pilot Bixby woke up and laughed; he had a keen sense of humor, and the manner of the reply amused him. His guest made another advance.

Pilot Bixby woke up and laughed; he had a sharp sense of humor, and the way the response came back made him laugh. His guest made another move.

“Do you know the Bowen boys?” he asked—“pilots in the St. Louis and New Orleans trade?”

"Do you know the Bowen brothers?" he asked—"the pilots in the St. Louis and New Orleans trade?"

“I know them well—all three of them. William Bowen did his first steering for me; a mighty good boy, too. Had a Testament in his pocket when he came aboard; in a week's time he had swapped it for a pack of cards. I know Sam, too, and Bart.”

“I know them well—all three of them. William Bowen steered for me for the first time; he was a really good kid, too. He had a Bible in his pocket when he came on board; within a week, he had traded it for a deck of cards. I know Sam, too, and Bart.”

“Old schoolmates of mine in Hannibal. Sam and Will especially were my chums.”

"Old schoolmates of mine in Hannibal. Sam and Will especially were my friends."

“Come over and stand by the side of me,” he said. “What is your name?”

“Come over and stand next to me,” he said. “What’s your name?”

The applicant told him, and the two stood looking at the sunlit water.

The applicant told him, and they both stood looking at the sunlit water.

“Do you drink?”

“Do you drink alcohol?”

“No.”

“Nope.”

“Do you gamble?”

"Do you bet?"

“No, Sir.”

“No, Sir.”

“Do you swear?”

"Will you swear?"

“Not for amusement; only under pressure.”

"Not for fun; only when necessary."

“Do you chew?”

"Do you chew your food?"

“No, sir, never; but I must smoke.”

“No, sir, never; but I have to smoke.”

“Did you ever do any steering?” was Bixby's next question.

“Have you ever done any steering?” was Bixby's next question.

“I have steered everything on the river but a steamboat, I guess.”

“I think I’ve navigated everything on the river except a steamboat.”

“Very well; take the wheel and see what you can do with a steamboat. Keep her as she is—toward that lower cottonwood, snag.”

“Alright; take the wheel and see what you can do with a steamboat. Keep it as it is—toward that lower cottonwood, snag.”

Bixby had a sore foot and was glad of a little relief. He sat down on the bench and kept a careful eye on the course. By and by he said:

Bixby had a sore foot and was grateful for a little relief. He sat down on the bench and kept a close watch on the course. After a while, he said:

“There is just one way that I would take a young man to learn the river: that is, for money.”

“There’s only one way I’d teach a young man about the river: for cash.”

“What do you charge?”

"How much do you charge?"

“Five hundred dollars, and I to be at no expense whatever.”

“Five hundred dollars, and I won’t have to spend a dime.”

In those days pilots were allowed to carry a learner, or “cub,” board free. Mr. Bixby meant that he was to be at no expense in port, or for incidentals. His terms looked rather discouraging.

In those days, pilots could take a learner, or “cub,” on board for free. Mr. Bixby intended for him to have no expenses in port or for other costs. His terms seemed pretty discouraging.

“I haven't got five hundred dollars in money,” Sam said; “I've got a lot of Tennessee land worth twenty-five cents an acre; I'll give you two thousand acres of that.”

“I don’t have five hundred dollars in cash,” Sam said; “I have a lot of Tennessee land worth twenty-five cents an acre; I’ll give you two thousand acres of that.”

Bixby dissented.

Bixby disagreed.

“No; I don't want any unimproved real estate. I have too much already.”

“No, I don’t want any undeveloped property. I have too much already.”

Sam reflected upon the amount he could probably borrow from Pamela's husband without straining his credit.

Sam thought about how much he could likely borrow from Pamela's husband without putting his credit at risk.

“Well, then, I'll give you one hundred dollars cash and the rest when I earn it.”

"Alright, I'll give you a hundred dollars in cash and the rest when I earn it."

Something about this young man had won Horace Bixby's heart. His slow, pleasant speech; his unhurried, quiet manner with the wheel, his evident sincerity of purpose—these were externals, but beneath them the pilot felt something of that quality of mind or heart which later made the world love Mark Twain. The terms proposed were agreed upon. The deferred payments were to begin when the pupil had learned the river and was receiving pilot's wages. During Mr. Bixby's daylight watches his pupil was often at the wheel, that trip, while the pilot sat directing him and nursing his sore foot. Any literary ambitions Samuel Clemens may have had grew dim; by the time they had reached New Orleans he had almost forgotten he had been a printer, and when he learned that no ship would be sailing to the Amazon for an indefinite period the feeling grew that a directing hand had taken charge of his affairs.

Something about this young man had won Horace Bixby's heart. His slow, pleasant speech; his unhurried, calm way of handling the wheel, his clear sincerity—these were just surface traits, but underneath, the pilot sensed something in him that would later make the world fall in love with Mark Twain. They agreed on the terms. The deferred payments would start when the student mastered the river and was earning pilot's wages. During Mr. Bixby's daylight shifts, his student often took the wheel that trip while the pilot coached him and tended to his sore foot. Any literary ambitions Samuel Clemens might have had faded; by the time they reached New Orleans, he had nearly forgotten he was a printer, and when he found out that no ships would be departing for the Amazon for an unknown period, he felt as if a guiding hand had taken charge of his life.

From New Orleans his chief did not return to Cincinnati, but went to St. Louis, taking with him his new cub, who thought it fine, indeed, to come steaming up to that great city with its thronging water-front; its levee fairly packed with trucks, drays, and piles of freight, the whole flanked with a solid mile of steamboats lying side by side, bow a little up-stream, their belching stacks reared high against the blue—a towering front of trade. It was glorious to nose one's way to a place in that stately line, to become a unit, however small, of that imposing fleet. At St. Louis Sam borrowed from Mr. Moffett the funds necessary to make up his first payment, and so concluded his contract. Then, when he suddenly found himself on a fine big boat, in a pilot-house so far above the water that he seemed perched on a mountain—a “sumptuous temple”—his happiness seemed complete.

From New Orleans, his boss didn’t head back to Cincinnati but went to St. Louis instead, bringing along his new recruit, who thought it was amazing to arrive in that bustling city with its busy waterfront; its levee was crowded with trucks, carts, and stacks of cargo, all lined with a solid mile of steamboats sitting side by side, their bows angled slightly upstream, with their smoke stacks reaching high against the blue sky—a striking display of commerce. It felt fantastic to navigate into a spot in that grand lineup, to become part, however small, of that impressive fleet. In St. Louis, Sam borrowed money from Mr. Moffett to make his first payment, thus finalizing his contract. Then, when he suddenly found himself on a spacious boat, in a pilot-house high above the water that made him feel like he was perched on a mountain—a “luxurious temple”—his happiness seemed complete.





XXIII. THE SUPREME SCIENCE

In his Mississippi book Mark Twain has given us a marvelous exposition of the science of river-piloting, and of the colossal task of acquiring and keeping a knowledge requisite for that work. He has not exaggerated this part of the story of developments in any detail; he has set down a simple confession.

In his book about Mississippi, Mark Twain has provided an amazing explanation of the skill of river piloting, along with the huge challenge of gaining and maintaining the knowledge needed for that job. He hasn't exaggerated this aspect of the story of progress in any way; he's simply shared a candid admission.

Serenely enough he undertook the task of learning twelve hundred miles of the great changing, shifting river as exactly and as surely by daylight or darkness as one knows the way to his own features. As already suggested, he had at least an inkling of what that undertaking meant. His statement that he “supposed all that a pilot had to do was to keep his boat in the river” is not to be accepted literally. Still he could hardly have realized the full majesty of his task; nobody could do that—not until afterward.

Calmly, he took on the challenge of learning twelve hundred miles of the ever-changing river as thoroughly and confidently by day or night as someone knows their own face. As mentioned before, he had at least a hint of what that challenge involved. His comment that he “thought all a pilot had to do was keep his boat in the river” shouldn't be taken at face value. Yet, he could hardly grasp the true significance of his task; no one could—not until later.

Horace Bixby was a “lightning” pilot with a method of instruction as direct and forcible as it was effective. He was a small man, hot and quick-firing, though kindly, too, and gentle when he had blown off. After one rather pyrotechnic misunderstanding as to the manner of imparting and acquiring information he said:

Horace Bixby was a "lightning" pilot with a teaching style that was as straightforward and intense as it was effective. He was a small man, energetic and quick-tempered, but also kind and gentle once he calmed down. After one particularly explosive misunderstanding about how to share and learn information, he said:

“My boy, you must get a little memorandum-book, and every time I tell you a thing put it down right away. There's only one way to be a pilot, and that is to get this entire river by heart. You have to know it just like A B C.”

“My boy, you need to get a little notebook, and every time I tell you something, write it down right away. There’s only one way to be a pilot, and that’s to memorize this whole river. You have to know it like the back of your hand.”

So Sam Clemens got the little book, and presently it “fairly bristled” with the names of towns, points, bars, islands, bends, and reaches, but it made his heart ache to think that he had only half of the river set down; for, as the “watches” were four hours off and four hours on, there were long gaps during which he had slept.

So Sam Clemens got the little book, and soon it was full of the names of towns, points, bars, islands, bends, and stretches, but it made his heart ache to think that he had only captured half of the river; because, since the “watches” were four hours off and four hours on, there were long periods during which he had slept.

The little note-book still exists—thin and faded, with black water-proof covers—its neat, tiny, penciled notes still, telling, the story of that first trip. Most of them are cryptographic abbreviations, not readily deciphered now. Here and there is an easier line:

The little notebook still exists—thin and faded, with black waterproof covers—its neat, tiny, penciled notes still telling the story of that first trip. Most of them are cryptic abbreviations, not easily deciphered anymore. Here and there is an easier line:

                   MERIWEATHER'S BEND

    1/4 less 3—[Depth of water. One-quarter less than three
    fathoms.]——run shape of upper bar and go into the low place in
    willows about 200(ft.) lower down than last year.
                   MERIWEATHER'S BEND

    1/4 less 3—[Depth of water. A quarter less than three
    fathoms.]——run the shape of the upper bar and head into the low spot in the willows about 200(ft.) downstream from last year.

One simple little note out of hundreds far more complicated. It would take days for the average mind to remember even a single page of such statistics. And those long four-hour gaps where he had been asleep, they are still there, and somehow, after more than fifty years, the old heart-ache is still in them. He got a new book, maybe, for the next trip, and laid this one away.

One simple little note out of hundreds that are much more complicated. It would take days for the average person to remember even a single page of those statistics. And those long four-hour stretches when he had been asleep, they’re still there, and somehow, after more than fifty years, the old heartache is still part of them. He got a new book, maybe, for the next trip, and put this one away.

There is but one way to account for the fact that the man whom the world knew as Mark Twain—dreamy, unpractical, and indifferent to details—ever persisted in acquiring knowledge like that—in the vast, the absolutely limitless quantity necessary to Mississippi piloting. It lies in the fact that he loved the river in its every mood and aspect and detail, and not only the river, but a steam boat; and still more, perhaps, the freedom of the pilot's life and its prestige. Wherever he has written of the river—and in one way or another he was always writing of it we feel the claim of the old captivity and that it still holds him. In the Huckleberry Finn book, during those nights and days with Huck and Nigger Jim on the raft—whether in stormlit blackness, still noontide, or the lifting mists of morning—we can fairly “smell” the river, as Huck himself would say, and we know that it is because the writer loved it with his heart of hearts and literally drank in its environment and atmosphere during those halcyon pilot days.

There’s only one way to explain why the man known to the world as Mark Twain—who was often dreamy, impractical, and indifferent to details—managed to acquire the vast, nearly endless knowledge required for piloting on the Mississippi. It’s because he loved the river in all its moods, aspects, and details, and he not only loved the river, but also the steamboat; and even more, perhaps, he loved the freedom and prestige that came with being a pilot. Whenever he wrote about the river—and he was always writing about it in one way or another—we can feel the pull of that old attachment, and it still holds him. In the book Huckleberry Finn, during the days and nights spent with Huck and Jim on the raft—whether in stormy darkness, bright midday, or the morning mists—we can almost “smell” the river, as Huck would say, and we know it’s because the writer truly loved it with all his heart and absorbed its environment and atmosphere during those happy pilot days.

So, in his love lay the secret of his marvelous learning, and it is recorded (not by himself, but by his teacher) that he was an apt pupil. Horace Bixby has more than once declared:

So, in his love was the secret of his incredible learning, and it's noted (not by him, but by his teacher) that he was a quick learner. Horace Bixby has often stated:

“Sam was always good-natured, and he had a natural taste for the river. He had a fine memory and never forgot anything I told him.”

“Sam was always friendly, and he had a natural affinity for the river. He had a great memory and never forgot anything I told him.”

Mark Twain himself records a different opinion of his memory, with the size of its appalling task. It can only be presented in his own words. In the pages quoted he had mastered somewhat of the problem, and had begun to take on airs. His chief was a constant menace at such moments:

Mark Twain himself shares a different view of his memory and the overwhelming challenge it faced. It can only be expressed in his own words. In the quoted pages, he had started to grasp some of the issue and had begun to act a bit pompously. His boss was a constant threat during those times:

    One day he turned on me suddenly with this settler:

    “What is the shape of Walnut Bend?”

    He might as well have asked me my grandmother's opinion of
    protoplasm. I reflected respectfully, and then said I didn't know
    it had any particular shape. My gun-powdery chief went off with a
    bang, of course, and then went on loading and firing until he was
    out of adjectives.... I waited. By and by he said:

    “My boy, you've got to know the shape of the river perfectly. It is
    all there is left to steer by on a very dark night. Everything is
    blotted out and gone. But mind you, it hasn't the same shape in the
    night that it has in the daytime.”

    “How on earth am I ever going to learn it, then?”

    “How do you follow a hall at home in the dark? Because you know the
    shape of it. You can't see it.”

    “Do you mean to say that I've got to know all the million trifling
    variations of shape in the banks of this interminable river as well
    as I know the shape of the front hall at home?”

    “On my honor, you've got to know them better than any man ever did
    know the shapes of the halls in his own house.”

    “I wish I was dead!”

    “Now, I don't want to discourage you, but——”

    “Well, pile it on me; I might as well have it now as another time.”

    “You see, this has got to be learned; there isn't any getting around
    it. A clear starlight night throws such heavy shadows that, if you
    didn't know the shape of a shore perfectly, you would claw away from
    every bunch of timber, because you would take the black shadow of it
    for a solid cape; and, you see, you would be getting scared to death
    every fifteen minutes by the watch. You would be fifty yards from
    shore all the time when you ought to be within fifty feet of it.
    You can't see a snag in one of those shadows, but you know exactly
    where it is, and the shape of the river tells you when you are
    coming to it. Then there's your pitch-dark night; the river is a
    very different shape on a pitch-dark night from what it is on a
    starlight night. All shores seem to be straight lines, then, and
    mighty dim ones, too; and you'd run them for straight lines, only
    you know better. You boldly drive your boat right into what seems
    to be a solid, straight wall (you know very well that in reality
    there is a curve there), and that wall falls back and makes way for
    you. Then there's your gray mist. You take a night when there's
    one of these grisly, drizzly, gray mists, and then there isn't any
    particular shape to a shore. A gray mist would tangle the head of
    the oldest man that ever lived. Well, then, different kinds of
    moonlight change the shape of the river in different ways.
    You see——”

    “Oh, don't say any more, please! Have I got to learn the shape of
    the river according to all these five hundred thousand different
    ways? If I tried to carry all that cargo in my head it would make
    me stoop-shouldered.”

    “No! you only learn the shape of the river; and you learn it with
    such absolute certainty that you can always steer by the shape
    that's in your head, and never mind the one that's before your
    eyes.”

    “Very well, I'll try it; but, after I have learned it, can I depend
    on it? Will it keep the same form, and not go fooling around?”

    Before Mr. Bixby could answer, Mr. W. came in to take the watch, and
    he said:

    “Bixby, you'll have to look out for President's island, and all that
    country clear away up above the Old Hen and Chickens. The banks are
    caving and the shape of the shores changing like everything. Why,
    you wouldn't know the point about 40. You can go up inside the old
    sycamore snag now.”

    So that question was answered. Here were leagues of shore changing
    shape. My spirits were down in the mud again. Two things seemed
    pretty apparent to me. One was that in order to be a pilot a man
    had got to learn more than any one man ought to be allowed to know;
    and the other was that he must learn it all over again in a
    different way every twenty-four hours.

    I went to work now to learn the shape of the river; and of all the
    eluding and ungraspable objects that ever I tried to get mind or
    hands on, that was the chief. I would fasten my eyes upon a sharp,
    wooded point that projected far into the river some miles ahead of
    me and go to laboriously photographing its shape upon my brain; and
    just as I was beginning to succeed to my satisfaction we would draw
    up to it, and the exasperating thing would begin to melt away and
    fold back into the bank!

    It was plain that I had got to learn the shape of the river in all
    the different ways that could be thought of—upside down, wrong end
    first, inside out, fore-and-aft, and “thort-ships,”—and then know
    what to do on gray nights when it hadn't any shape at all. So I set
    about it. In the course of time I began to get the best of this
    knotty lesson, and my self-complacency moved to the front once more.
    Mr. Bixby was all fixed and ready to start it to the rear again. He
    opened on me after this fashion:

    “How much water did we have in the middle crossing at Hole-in-The-
    Wall, trip before last?”

    I considered this an outrage. I said:

    “Every trip down and up the leadsmen are singing through that
    tangled place for three-quarters of an hour on a stretch. How do
    you reckon I can remember such a mess as that?”

    “My boy, you've got to remember it. You've got to remember the
    exact spot and the exact marks the boat lay in when we had the
    shoalest water, in every one of the five hundred shoal places
    between St. Louis and New Orleans; and you mustn't get the shoal
    soundings and marks of one trip mixed up with the shoal soundings
    and marks of another, either, for they're not often twice alike.
    You must keep them separate.”

    When I came to myself again, I said:

    “When I get so that I can do that, I'll be able to raise the dead,
    and then I won't have to pilot a steamboat to make a living. I want
    to retire from this business. I want a slush-bucket and a brush;
    I'm only fit for a roustabout. I haven't got brains enough to be a
    pilot; and if I had I wouldn't have strength enough to carry them
    around, unless I went on crutches.”

    “Now drop that! When I say I'll learn a man the river I mean it.
    And you can depend on it, I'll learn him or kill him.”
 
One day, he suddenly turned to me and asked:

    “What’s the shape of Walnut Bend?”

He might as well have asked me what my grandmother thinks about protoplasm. I thought about it for a moment and then said I didn’t know it had any specific shape. My fiery mentor exploded with frustration and kept going on about it until he ran out of adjectives... I waited. Eventually, he said:

    “My boy, you need to know the shape of the river perfectly. It’s the only thing left to navigate by on a very dark night. Everything else is erased and gone. But remember, it doesn’t look the same at night as it does during the day.”

    “How am I supposed to learn that then?”

    “How do you find your way around your house at night? Because you know what the layout is. You can’t see it.”

    “Are you saying I have to know every tiny variation in the riverbanks just like I know the shape of my home’s hallway?”

    “I swear, you need to know it better than anyone knows the layout of their own home.”

    “I wish I were dead!”

    “Now, I don’t want to discourage you, but—”

    “Well, just tell me. I might as well get it over with now.”

    “You see, this has to be learned; there’s no avoiding it. On a clear starlit night, the shadows are so heavy that if you don’t know the shape of the shore perfectly, you'll steer away from every group of trees because you might mistake the dark shadow for a solid landform; and then you’d be terrified every fifteen minutes. You’d always be fifty yards away from shore when you should be within fifty feet. You can't see a hidden stump in those shadows, but you know exactly where it is, and the shape of the river tells you when you’re approaching it. Then there’s pitch-black night; the river looks completely different in pitch-black darkness than it does on a starlit night. All shores appear as straight, blurry lines, and you’d take them for straight lines, except you know better. You confidently steer your boat right into what looks like a solid straight wall (when you know it actually curves), and that wall gives way for you. And then there’s the gray mist. On nights when there’s a gloomy gray mist, the shore has no recognizable shape. A gray mist could confuse even the oldest sailor. Well, different kinds of moonlight change the river's shape in different ways. You see—”

    “Oh, please don’t say any more! Do I really have to learn the shape of the river in all these five hundred thousand ways? If I tried to keep all that in my head, it would make me stoop-shouldered.”

    “No! You just need to learn the shape of the river; and you need to learn it with such absolute certainty that you can always navigate by the shape in your mind, ignoring what you see in front of you.”

    “Fine, I’ll give it a shot; but once I learn it, can I trust it? Will it stay consistent, or will it change?”

Before Mr. Bixby could reply, Mr. W. came in to take over the watch and said:

    “Bixby, you’ll need to keep an eye on President’s Island, and all the way up past the Old Hen and Chickens. The banks are eroding and the shorelines are changing all the time. Seriously, you wouldn’t recognize Point 40 now. You can go right up inside the old sycamore snag now.”

So that question was answered. Here were miles of shifting shorelines. My spirits sank again. Two things became clear to me. One was that to be a pilot, a person had to learn more than any one person should have to know; the other was that every twenty-four hours, they had to learn it all over again in a different way.

I got to work learning the shape of the river; and of all the elusive and intangible things I ever tried to grasp, that was the hardest. I would fix my eyes on a sharp, wooded point that jutted far into the river some miles ahead and try to imprint its shape on my brain; just as I started to get it right, we would approach it, and that frustrating shape would start to dissolve and fold back into the bank!

It was clear that I needed to learn the shape of the river in every possible way—upside down, backwards, inside out, front and back—and then know how to handle it on gray nights when there was no shape at all. So I set to work. Over time, I started to get the hang of this challenging lesson; my confidence returned. Mr. Bixby was ready to challenge me again. He asked:

    “How much water did we have in the middle crossing at Hole-in-the-Wall on the trip before last?”

I found that preposterous. I replied:

    “Every trip down and up, the leadsmen are calling out depth in that tangled area for three-quarters of an hour straight. How do you expect me to remember that mess?”

    “My boy, you need to remember it. You’ve got to recall the exact spot and the exact readings when we had the shallowest water at each of the five hundred shoal areas from St. Louis to New Orleans; and you can’t mix up the shallow soundings and marks from one trip with another because they’re not usually the same. You have to keep them separate.”

When I came to my senses, I said:

    “When I can do that, I’ll be able to raise the dead, and then I won’t need to pilot a steamboat to make a living. I want to quit this job. I want a bucket and a brush; I’m only suited to being a deckhand. I don’t have the brains to be a pilot; and even if I did, I wouldn’t have the strength to carry them around, unless I used crutches.”

    “Now cut that out! When I say I’ll train someone to navigate the river, I mean it. And you can count on it, I’ll teach him or break him.”

We have quoted at length from this chapter because it seems of very positive importance here. It is one of the most luminous in the book so far as the mastery of the science of piloting is concerned, and shows better than could any other combination of words something of what is required of the learner. It does not cover the whole problem, by any means—Mark Twain himself could not present that; and even considering his old-time love of the river and the pilot's trade, it is still incredible that a man of his temperament could have persisted, as he did, against such obstacles.

We’ve quoted extensively from this chapter because it seems really important here. It’s one of the clearest in the book when it comes to mastering the science of piloting, and it illustrates better than any other wording what’s expected from the learner. It doesn’t address the entire issue by any means—Mark Twain himself couldn't manage that; and even with his deep affection for the river and the pilot's profession, it’s still hard to believe that someone with his personality could have persevered, as he did, despite such challenges.





XXIV. THE RIVER CURRICULUM

He acquired other kinds of knowledge. As the streets of Hannibal in those early days, and the printing-offices of several cities, had taught him human nature in various unvarnished aspects, so the river furnished an added course to that vigorous education. Morally, its atmosphere could not be said to be an improvement on the others. Navigation in the West had begun with crafts of the flat-boat type—their navigators rude, hardy men, heavy drinkers, reckless fighters, barbaric in their sports, coarse in their wit, profane in everything. Steam-boatmen were the natural successors of these pioneers—a shade less coarse, a thought less profane, a veneer less barbaric. But these things were mainly “above stairs.” You had but to scratch lightly a mate or a deck-hand to find the old keel-boatman savagery. Captains were overlords, and pilots kings in this estate; but they were not angels. In Life on the Mississippi Clemens refers to his chief's explosive vocabulary and tells us how he envied the mate's manner of giving an order. It was easier to acquire those things than piloting, and, on the whole, quicker. One could improve upon them, too, with imagination and wit and a natural gift for terms. That Samuel Clemens maintained his promise as to drink and cards during those apprentice days is something worth remembering; and if he did not always restrict his profanity to moments of severe pressure or sift the quality of his wit, we may also remember that he was an extreme example of a human being, in that formative stage which gathers all as grist, later to refine it for the uses and delights of men.

He gained different kinds of knowledge. The streets of Hannibal back then, along with the printing offices in several cities, taught him about human nature in its raw forms, and the river added another layer to that intense education. Morally, the river's environment wasn't any better than the others. Navigation in the West started with flatboats, manned by tough, rough men who drank heavily, fought recklessly, acted barbarically in their leisure, joked crudely, and swore freely. Steam boatmen were the natural successors to these pioneers—slightly less crude, a bit less profane, and a touch less barbaric. But those traits were mostly present “above deck.” If you scratched the surface of a mate or a deckhand, you'd uncover the old savage boatman underneath. Captains were the bosses, and pilots were the royalty of this world, but they were far from perfect. In Life on the Mississippi, Clemens mentions his boss's explosive language and shares how he envied the mate's commanding style. It was easier to pick up those things than to learn piloting, and overall, it was quicker. One could also improve on them with creativity, humor, and a natural flair for words. It's worth noting that Samuel Clemens kept his promise regarding drinking and gambling during those apprentice days; even if he didn't always limit his swearing to moments of stress or consider the quality of his jokes, we can remember he was a prime example of a person in that developmental stage where everything is gathered in, to later refine it for the enjoyment and use of others.

He acquired a vast knowledge of human character. He says:

He gained a deep understanding of human nature. He says:

    In that brief, sharp schooling I got personally and familiarly
    acquainted with all the different types of human nature that are to
    be found in fiction, biography, or history. When I find a well-
    drawn character in fiction or biography, I generally take a warm
    personal interest in him, for the reason that I have, known him
    before—met him on the river.
In that short, intense experience, I got personally and closely familiar with all the different kinds of human nature found in fiction, biography, or history. When I come across a well-crafted character in fiction or biography, I usually develop a strong personal interest in them because I have known them before—met them on the river.

Undoubtedly the river was a great school for the study of life's broader philosophies and humors: philosophies that avoid vague circumlocution and aim at direct and sure results; humors of the rugged and vigorous sort that in Europe are known as “American” and in America are known as “Western.” Let us be thankful that Mark Twain's school was no less than it was—and no more.

Undoubtedly, the river was a fantastic place to explore life's bigger ideas and experiences: ideas that steer clear of vague language and focus on clear and definite outcomes; experiences of a tough and energetic nature that in Europe are called “American” and in America are called “Western.” Let's be grateful that Mark Twain's school was just what it was—and nothing more.

The demands of the Missouri River trade took Horace Bixby away from the Mississippi, somewhat later, and he consigned his pupil, according to custom, to another pilot—it is not certain, now, to just which pilot, but probably to Zeb Leavenworth or Beck Jolly, of the John J. Roe. The Roe was a freight-boat, “as slow as an island and as comfortable as a farm.” In fact, the Roe was owned and conducted by farmers, and Sam Clemens thought if John Quarles's farm could be set afloat it would greatly resemble that craft in the matter of good-fellowship, hospitality, and speed. It was said of her that up-stream she could even beat an island, though down-stream she could never quite overtake the current, but was a “love of a steamboat” nevertheless. The Roe was not licensed to carry passengers, but she always had a dozen “family guests” aboard, and there was a big boiler-deck for dancing and moonlight frolics, also a piano in the cabin. The young pilot sometimes played on the piano and sang to his music songs relating to the “grasshopper on the sweet-potato vine,” or to an old horse by the name of Methusalem:

The demands of the Missouri River trade took Horace Bixby away from the Mississippi a bit later, and he handed off his student, as was customary, to another pilot—it's not clear exactly which pilot, but it was likely Zeb Leavenworth or Beck Jolly from the John J. Roe. The Roe was a freight boat, “as slow as an island and as comfortable as a farm.” In fact, the Roe was owned and operated by farmers, and Sam Clemens thought if John Quarles's farm could float, it would look a lot like that boat in terms of friendliness, hospitality, and speed. People said that upstream, she could even outpace an island, though downstream she could never quite catch the current, but she was still a “lovely steamboat.” The Roe wasn't licensed to carry passengers, but she always had about a dozen “family guests” on board, and there was a large boiler deck for dancing and moonlit fun, plus a piano in the cabin. The young pilot sometimes played the piano and sang songs about the “grasshopper on the sweet-potato vine” or about an old horse named Methusalem:

       Took him down and sold him in Jerusalem,
              A long time ago.
       Took him down and sold him in Jerusalem,  
              A long time ago.

There were forty-eight stanzas about this ancient horse, all pretty much alike; but the assembled company was not likely to be critical, and his efforts won him laurels. He had a heavenly time on the John J. Roe, and then came what seemed inferno by contrast. Bixby returned, made a trip or two, then left and transferred him again, this time to a man named Brown. Brown had a berth on the fine new steamer Pennsylvania, one of the handsomest boats on the river, and young Clemens had become a fine steersman, so it is not unlikely that both men at first were gratified by the arrangement.

There were forty-eight stanzas about this ancient horse, all pretty much the same; but the gathered crowd wasn’t likely to be critical, and his efforts earned him applause. He had an amazing time on the John J. Roe, and then came what felt like hell by comparison. Bixby came back, made a trip or two, then left and handed him over again, this time to a man named Brown. Brown had a position on the nice new steamer Pennsylvania, one of the most beautiful boats on the river, and young Clemens had become a skilled steersman, so it’s quite possible that both men were initially pleased with the setup.

But Brown was a fault-finding, tyrannical chief, ignorant, vulgar, and malicious. In the Mississippi book the author gives his first interview with Brown, also his last one. For good reasons these occasions were burned into his memory, and they may be accepted as substantially correct. Brown had an offensive manner. His first greeting was a surly question.

But Brown was a critical, overbearing leader who was ignorant, crude, and spiteful. In the Mississippi book, the author recounts his first meeting with Brown, as well as his last. For good reasons, these instances stuck in his memory, and they can be considered basically accurate. Brown had a disagreeable demeanor. His initial greeting was a grumpy question.

“Are you Horace Bigsby's cub?”

"Are you Horace Bigsby's child?"

“Bixby” was usually pronounced “Bigsby” on the river, but Brown made it especially obnoxious and followed it up with questions and comments and orders still more odious. His subordinate soon learned to detest him thoroughly. It was necessary, however, to maintain a respectable deportment—custom, discipline, even the law, required that—but it must have been a hard winter and spring the young steersman put in during those early months of 1858, restraining himself from the gratification of slaying Brown. Time would bring revenge—a tragic revenge and at a fearful cost; but he could not guess that, and he put in his spare time planning punishments of his own.

“Bixby” was usually pronounced “Bigsby” on the river, but Brown made it especially irritating and followed it up with questions, comments, and even more annoying orders. His subordinate soon learned to completely loathe him. However, it was important to maintain a respectable demeanor—tradition, discipline, and even the law demanded it—but it must have been a tough winter and spring for the young steersman during those early months of 1858, holding himself back from the temptation to kill Brown. Time would bring revenge—a tragic revenge and at a terrible cost; but he couldn’t predict that, and he spent his spare time coming up with his own punishments.

    I could imagine myself killing Brown; there was no law against that,
    and that was the thing I always used to do the moment I was abed.
    Instead of going over my river in my mind, as was my duty, I threw
    business aside for pleasure and killed Brown. I killed Brown every
    night for a month; not in old, stale, commonplace ways, but in new
    and picturesque ones—ways that were sometimes surprising for
    freshness of design and ghastly for situation and environment.
    I could picture myself killing Brown; there was no law against that, and that was what I always did the moment I got into bed. Instead of reflecting on my past, which was my responsibility, I set aside work for pleasure and killed Brown. I killed Brown every night for a month; not in boring, ordinary ways, but in new and creative ones—methods that were sometimes shockingly fresh in design and horrifying for their setting and context.

Once when Brown had been more insulting than usual his subordinate went to bed and killed him in “seventeen different ways—all of them new.”

Once, when Brown was more insulting than usual, his subordinate went to bed and killed him in “seventeen different ways—all of them new.”

He had made an effort at first to please Brown, but it was no use. Brown was the sort of a man that refused to be pleased; no matter how carefully his subordinate steered, he as always at him.

He initially tried to impress Brown, but it was pointless. Brown was the type of guy who wouldn’t be satisfied; no matter how well his subordinate navigated things, he was always critical.

“Here,” he would shout, “where are you going now? Pull her down! Pull her down! Don't you hear me? Dod-derned mud-cat!”

“Here,” he would shout, “where are you going now? Bring her down! Bring her down! Can’t you hear me? Damn mud cat!”

His assistant lost all desire to be obliging to such a person and even took occasion now and then to stir him up. One day they were steaming up the river when Brown noticed that the boat seemed to be heading toward some unusual point.

His assistant lost all interest in being helpful to someone like that and even took the chance now and then to provoke him. One day they were cruising up the river when Brown noticed that the boat seemed to be steering toward an unusual spot.

“Here, where are you heading for now?” he yelled. “What in nation are you steerin' at, anyway? Deyned numskull!”

“Hey, where are you going now?” he shouted. “What on earth are you doing, anyway? Absolute idiot!”

“Why,” said Sam, in unruffled deliberation, “I didn't see much else I could steer for, and I was heading for that white heifer on the bank.”

“Why,” said Sam, with calm thoughtfulness, “I didn’t see much else I could aim for, and I was going for that white heifer on the bank.”

“Get away from that wheel! and get outen this pilothouse!” yelled Brown. “You ain't fit to become no pilot!”

“Get away from that wheel! and get out of this pilothouse!” yelled Brown. “You’re not cut out to be a pilot!”

Which was what Sam wanted. Any temporary relief from the carping tyranny of Brown was welcome.

Which was exactly what Sam wanted. Any brief escape from Brown's nagging control was appreciated.

He had been on the river nearly a year now, and, though universally liked and accounted a fine steersman, he was receiving no wages. There had been small need of money for a while, for he had no board to pay; but clothes wear out at last, and there were certain incidentals. The Pennsylvania made a round trip in about thirty-five days, with a day or two of idle time at either end. The young pilot found that he could get night employment, watching freight on the New Orleans levee, and thus earn from two and a half to three dollars for each night's watch. Sometimes there would be two nights, and with a capital of five or six dollars he accounted himself rich.

He had been on the river for nearly a year now, and even though everyone liked him and considered him a great steersman, he wasn’t getting paid. He hadn’t needed much money for a while since he didn’t have to pay for meals; but clothes wear out eventually, and there were some other expenses. The Pennsylvania made a round trip in about thirty-five days, with a day or two of downtime at either end. The young pilot discovered that he could find night work, watching freight on the New Orleans levee, and earn about two and a half to three dollars for each night shift. Sometimes he would work two nights in a row, and with five or six dollars to his name, he felt wealthy.

“It was a desolate experience,” he said, long afterward, “watching there in the dark among those piles of freight; not a sound, not a living creature astir. But it was not a profitless one: I used to have inspirations as I sat there alone those nights. I used to imagine all sorts of situations and possibilities. Those things got into my books by and by and furnished me with many a chapter. I can trace the effect of those nights through most of my books in one way and another.”

“It was a lonely experience,” he said, much later, “sitting there in the dark among those stacks of cargo; not a sound, not a single living thing moving. But it was far from a waste: I would have ideas as I sat there alone those nights. I would picture all kinds of situations and possibilities. Those thoughts made their way into my books eventually and gave me many chapters. I can see the impact of those nights in most of my books in one way or another.”

Many of the curious tales in the latter half of the Mississippi book came out of those long night-watches. It was a good time to think of such things.

Many of the intriguing stories in the second half of the Mississippi book came from those long nights spent watching. It was a perfect time to reflect on such matters.





XXV. LOVE-MAKING AND ADVENTURE

Of course, life with Brown was not all sorrow. At either end of the trip there was respite and recreation. In St. Louis, at Pamela's there was likely to be company: Hannibal friends mostly, schoolmates—girls, of course. At New Orleans he visited friendly boats, especially the John J. Roe, where he was generously welcomed. One such visit on the Roe he never forgot. A young girl was among the boat's guests that trip—another Laura, fifteen, winning, delightful. They met, and were mutually attracted; in the life of each it was one of those bright spots which are likely to come in youth: one of those sudden, brief periods of romance, love—call it what you will the thing that leads to marriage, if pursued.

Of course, life with Brown wasn't all sadness. At each end of the trip, there were breaks and fun. In St. Louis, at Pamela's, there were probably guests: mostly friends from Hannibal, schoolmates—girls, naturally. In New Orleans, he visited friendly boats, especially the John J. Roe, where he was warmly welcomed. One particular visit on the Roe stayed in his memory. A young girl was among the boat's guests that trip—another Laura, fifteen, charming, and delightful. They met and felt a mutual attraction; in each of their lives, it was one of those bright moments that often happen in youth: one of those sudden, brief times of romance, love—whatever you want to call it, the kind of thing that could lead to marriage if pursued.

“I was not four inches from that girl's elbow during our waking hours for the next three days.”

“I was just a few inches from that girl's elbow during our waking hours for the next three days.”

Then came a sudden interruption: Zeb Leavenworth came flying aft shouting:

Then suddenly, Zeb Leavenworth came rushing toward the back, shouting:

“The Pennsylvania is backing out.”

“Pennsylvania is backing out.”

A flutter of emotion, a fleeting good-by, a flight across the decks, a flying leap from romance back to reality, and it was all over. He wrote her, but received no reply. He never saw her again, never heard from her for forty-eight years, when both were married, widowed, and old. She had not received his letter.

A rush of feelings, a quick goodbye, a dash across the decks, a jump from love back to reality, and it was all done. He wrote to her, but got no response. He never saw her again, never heard from her for forty-eight years, until they were both married, widowed, and old. She hadn't received his letter.

Even on the Pennsylvania life had its interests. A letter dated March 9, 1858, recounts a delightfully dangerous night-adventure in the steamer's yawl, hunting for soundings in the running ice.

Even in Pennsylvania, life was interesting. A letter dated March 9, 1858, tells about a thrilling and risky nighttime adventure in the steamer's small boat, searching for depth in the moving ice.

    Then the fun commenced. We made fast a line 20 fathoms long, to the
    bow of the yawl, and put the men (both crews) to it like horses on
    the shore. Brown, the pilot, stood in the bow, with an oar, to keep
    her head out, and I took the tiller. We would start the men, and
    all would go well till the yawl would bring up on a heavy cake of
    ice, and then the men would drop like so many tenpins, while Brown
    assumed the horizontal in the bottom of the boat. After an hour's
    hard work we got back, with ice half an inch thick on the oars.
    Sent back and warped up the other yawl, and then George (George
    Ealer, the other pilot) and myself took a double crew of fresh men
    and tried it again. This time we found the channel in less than
    half an hour, and landed on an island till the Pennsylvania came
    along and took us off. The next day was colder still. I was out in
    the yawl twice, and then we got through, but the infernal steamboat
    came near running over us.... We sounded Hat Island, warped up
    around a bar, and sounded again—but in order to understand our
    situation you will have to read Dr. Kane. It would have been
    impossible to get back to the boat. But the Maria Denning was
    aground at the head of the island—they hailed us—we ran alongside,
    and they hoisted us in and thawed us out. We had then been out in
    the yawl from four o'clock in the morning till half past nine
    without being near a fire. There was a thick coating of ice over
    men, and yawl, ropes and everything else, and we looked like rock-
    candy statuary.
Then the fun began. We secured a 20-fathom line to the front of the yawl and had the men (both crews) pull like horses on the shore. Brown, the pilot, stood in the front with an oar to steer us straight, while I took the tiller. We would get the men started, and everything went smoothly until the yawl got stuck on a big chunk of ice, causing the men to drop like bowling pins, and Brown ended up flat in the bottom of the boat. After an hour of hard work, we returned with half an inch of ice on the oars. We sent back and pulled up the other yawl, and then George (George Ealer, the other pilot) and I took a fresh team of men and tried again. This time, we found the channel in under half an hour and landed on an island until the Pennsylvania came by and picked us up. The next day was even colder. I went out in the yawl twice, and then we finally made it through, but that damn steamboat nearly ran us over.... We checked the depth around Hat Island, maneuvered around a sandbar, and checked again—but to really understand our situation, you should read Dr. Kane. It would have been impossible to get back to the boat. But the Maria Denning was stuck at the island's head—they called out to us—we managed to pull alongside, and they helped us on board and warmed us up. We had been in the yawl from four in the morning until nine-thirty without being near a fire. There was a thick layer of ice over the men, the yawl, the ropes, and everything else, and we looked like rock candy statues.

This was the sort of thing he loved in those days. We feel the writer's evident joy and pride in it. In the same letter he says: “I can't correspond with the paper, because when one is learning the river he is not allowed to do or think about anything else.” Then he mentions his brother Henry, and we get the beginning of that tragic episode for which, though blameless, Samuel Clemens always held himself responsible.

This was exactly the kind of thing he loved back then. You can feel the writer's clear joy and pride in it. In the same letter, he writes: “I can’t keep up with the paper because when you’re learning the river, you’re not allowed to do or think about anything else.” Then he talks about his brother Henry, and we start to see the beginning of that tragic situation for which, despite being innocent, Samuel Clemens always felt responsible.

    Henry was doing little or nothing here (St. Louis), and I sent him
    to our clerk to work his way for a trip, measuring wood-piles,
    counting coal-boxes, and doing other clerkly duties, which he
    performed satisfactorily. He may go down with us again.
    Henry wasn't doing much in St. Louis, so I had him work with our clerk to earn his keep for a trip, measuring wood piles, counting coal boxes, and handling other clerk duties, which he did well. He might come along with us again.

Henry Clemens was about twenty at this time, a handsome, attractive boy of whom his brother was lavishly fond and proud. He did go on the next trip and continued to go regularly after that, as third clerk in line of promotion. It was a bright spot in those hard days with Brown to have Henry along. The boys spent a good deal of their leisure with the other pilot, George Ealer, who “was as kindhearted as Brown wasn't,” and quoted Shakespeare and Goldsmith, and played the flute to his fascinated and inspiring audience. These were things worth while. The young steersman could not guess that the shadow of a long sorrow was even then stretching across the path ahead.

Henry Clemens was about twenty at this time, a handsome, charming guy whom his brother adored and was proud of. He did go on the next trip and kept going regularly after that, as the third clerk in line for promotion. Having Henry along was a bright spot during those tough days with Brown. The boys spent a lot of their free time with the other pilot, George Ealer, who “was as kindhearted as Brown wasn't,” quoted Shakespeare and Goldsmith, and played the flute to his captivated audience. These were moments that mattered. The young steersman couldn’t foresee that the shadow of long-lasting sorrow was already beginning to loom ahead.

Yet in due time he received a warning, a remarkable and impressive warning, though of a kind seldom heeded. One night, when the Pennsylvania lay in St. Louis, he slept at his sister's house and had this vivid dream:

Yet eventually he got a warning, a striking and significant warning, though it's the kind that people rarely pay attention to. One night, when the Pennsylvania was docked in St. Louis, he stayed at his sister's house and had this vivid dream:

He saw Henry, a corpse, lying in a metallic burial case in the sitting-room, supported on two chairs. On his breast lay a bouquet of flowers, white, with a single crimson bloom in the center.

He saw Henry, a body, lying in a metal casket in the living room, propped up on two chairs. On his chest rested a bouquet of white flowers, with a single red bloom in the center.

When he awoke, it was morning, but the dream was so vivid that he believed it real. Perhaps something of the old hypnotic condition was upon him, for he rose and dressed, thinking he would go in and look at his dead brother. Instead, he went out on the street in the early morning and had walked to the middle of the block before it suddenly flashed upon him that it was only a dream. He bounded back, rushed to the sitting-room, and felt a great trembling revulsion of joy when he found it really empty. He told Pamela the dream, then put it out of his mind as quickly as he could. The Pennsylvania sailed from St. Louis as usual, and made a safe trip to New Orleans.

When he woke up, it was morning, but the dream felt so real that he thought it actually happened. Maybe he was still under some kind of hypnotic state because he got up and got dressed, planning to go see his deceased brother. Instead, he stepped out onto the street in the early morning and had walked halfway down the block before it suddenly dawned on him that it had just been a dream. He quickly turned back, rushed to the living room, and felt an overwhelming rush of joy when he found it truly empty. He shared the dream with Pamela and then tried to forget about it as fast as he could. The Pennsylvania left St. Louis as usual and made it safely to New Orleans.

A safe trip, but an eventful one; on it occurred that last interview with Brown, already mentioned. It is recorded in the Mississippi book, but cannot be omitted here. Somewhere down the river (it was in Eagle Bend) Henry appeared on the hurricane deck to bring an order from the captain for a landing to be made a little lower down. Brown was somewhat deaf, but would never confess it. He may not have understood the order; at all events he gave no sign of having heard it, and went straight ahead. He disliked Henry as he disliked everybody of finer grain than himself, and in any case was too arrogant to ask for a repetition. They were passing the landing when Captain Klinefelter appeared on deck and called to him to let the boat come around, adding:

A safe trip, but quite eventful; it included that last conversation with Brown, which I’ve already mentioned. It’s noted in the Mississippi book, but it can't be left out here. Somewhere down the river (it was in Eagle Bend), Henry showed up on the hurricane deck to deliver an order from the captain to make a landing a little further down. Brown was somewhat hard of hearing, but he would never admit it. He might not have caught the order; in any case, he didn’t show any signs of hearing it and just kept going. He disliked Henry as he disliked anyone who was more refined than him, and he was too proud to ask for it to be repeated. They were about to pass the landing when Captain Klinefelter came on deck and called to him to bring the boat around, adding:

“Didn't Henry tell you to land here?”

“Didn't Henry tell you to land here?”

“No, sir.”

“No, thanks.”

Captain. Klinefelter turned to Sam:

Captain. Klinefelter turned to Sam:

“Didn't you hear him?”

"Didn't you hear him?"

“Yes, sir.”

"Yes, sir."

Brown said: “Shut your mouth! You never heard anything of the kind.”

Brown said, “Shut up! You’ve never heard anything like that.”

By and by Henry came into the pilot-house, unaware of any trouble. Brown set upon him in his ugliest manner.

By and by, Henry walked into the pilot house, unaware of any trouble. Brown confronted him in his worst way.

“Here, why didn't you tell me we had got to land at that plantation?” he demanded.

“Hey, why didn't you tell me we had to land at that plantation?” he asked.

Henry was always polite, always gentle.

Henry was always polite and gentle.

“I did tell you, Mr. Brown.”

“I did tell you, Mr. Brown.”

“It's a lie.”

"It's a lie."

Sam Clemens could stand Brown's abuse of himself, but not of Henry. He said: “You lie yourself. He did tell you.”

Sam Clemens could tolerate Brown's mistreatment of him, but not of Henry. He said: “You're lying. He did tell you.”

Brown was dazed for a moment and then he shouted:

Brown was momentarily bewildered, then he yelled:

“I'll attend to your case in half a minute!” and ordered Henry out of the pilot-house.

“I'll take care of your case in a minute!” and ordered Henry out of the pilot house.

The boy had started, when Brown suddenly seized him by the collar and struck him in the face.—[In the Mississippi book the writer states that Brown started to strike Henry with a large piece of coal; but, in a letter written soon after the occurrence to Mrs. Orion Clemens, he says: “Henry started out of the pilot-house-Brown jumped up and collared him—turned him half-way around and struck him in the face!-and him nearly six feet high-struck my little brother. I was wild from that moment. I left the boat to steer herself, and avenged the insult—and the captain said I was right.”]—Instantly Sam was upon Brown, with a heavy stool, and stretched him on the floor. Then all the bitterness and indignation that had been smoldering for months flamed up, and, leaping upon Brown and holding him with his knees, he pounded him with his fists until strength and fury gave out. Brown struggled free, then, and with pilot instinct sprang to the wheel, for the vessel had been drifting and might have got into trouble. Seeing there was no further danger, he seized a spy-glass as a weapon.

The boy had just started when Brown suddenly grabbed him by the collar and hit him in the face. —[In the Mississippi book, the writer mentions that Brown attempted to hit Henry with a large piece of coal; however, in a letter written shortly after the incident to Mrs. Orion Clemens, he states: “Henry stepped out of the pilot-house—Brown jumped up and grabbed him—turned him halfway around and hit him in the face!—and he was nearly six feet tall—struck my little brother. I was furious from that moment. I left the boat to steer itself and avenged the insult—and the captain said I was right.”]—Immediately, Sam was on Brown with a heavy stool, knocking him to the floor. Then all the anger and resentment that had been building for months erupted, and, jumping on Brown and pinning him with his knees, he pounded him with his fists until he ran out of strength and fury. Brown managed to break free and, with his pilot instincts kicking in, rushed to the wheel since the vessel had been drifting and could have gotten into trouble. Seeing there was no more danger, he grabbed a spyglass as a weapon.

“Get out of this here pilot-house,” he raged.

“Get out of this pilot house,” he shouted.

But his subordinate was not afraid of him now.

But his subordinate wasn’t afraid of him anymore.

“You should leave out the 'here,'” he drawled, critically. “It is understood, and not considered good English form.”

“You should leave out the 'here,'” he said, critically. “It’s understood, and it’s not considered good English.”

“Don't you give me none of your airs,” yelled Brown. “I ain't going to stand nothing more from you.”

“Don’t give me any of your attitude,” yelled Brown. “I’m not going to put up with anything more from you.”

“You should say, 'Don't give me any of your airs,'” Sam said, sweetly, “and the last half of your sentence almost defies correction.”

“You should say, 'Don't act all high and mighty,'” Sam said, sweetly, “and the last part of your sentence is nearly impossible to fix.”

A group of passengers and white-aproned servants, assembled on the deck forward, applauded the victor.

A group of passengers and servants in white aprons gathered on the front deck and cheered for the winner.

Brown turned to the wheel, raging and growling. Clemens went below, where he expected Captain Klinefelter to put him in irons, perhaps, for it was thought to be felony to strike a pilot. The officer took him into his private room and closed the door. At first he looked at the culprit thoughtfully, then he made some inquiries:

Brown turned to the wheel, furious and grumbling. Clemens went below, where he thought Captain Klinefelter would put him in handcuffs, since it was considered a serious offense to hit a pilot. The officer led him into his private room and closed the door. At first, he looked at the offender thoughtfully, then he asked a few questions:

    “Did you strike him first?” Captain Klinefelter asked.

    “Yes, sir.”

    “What with?”

    “A stool, sir.”

    “Hard?”

    “Middling, sir.”

    “Did it knock him down?”

    “He—he fell, sir.”

    “Did you follow it up? Did you do anything further?”

    “Yes, sir.”

    “What did you do?”

    “Pounded him, sir.”

    “Pounded him?”

    “Yes, sir.”

    “Did you pound him much—that is, severely?”

    “One might call it that, sir, maybe.”

    “I am deuced glad of it! Hark ye, never mention that I said that.
    You have been guilty of a great crime; and don't ever be guilty of
    it again on this boat, but—lay for him ashore! Give him a good
    sound thrashing; do you hear? I'll pay the expenses.”—[“Life on
    the Mississippi.”]
    “Did you hit him first?” Captain Klinefelter asked.

    “Yes, sir.”

    “With what?”

    “A stool, sir.”

    “Hard?”

    “Moderately, sir.”

    “Did it knock him down?”

    “He—he fell, sir.”

    “Did you follow up? Did you do anything else?”

    “Yes, sir.”

    “What did you do?”

    “Pounded him, sir.”

    “Pounded him?”

    “Yes, sir.”

    “Did you hit him a lot—that is, badly?”

    “You could say that, sir, maybe.”

    “I’m really glad to hear that! Listen, never say I said that. You’ve committed a serious crime; and don’t ever do it again on this boat, but—wait for him onshore! Give him a good beating; got it? I’ll cover the costs.” —[“Life on the Mississippi.”]

Captain Klinefelter told him to clear out, then, and the culprit heard him enjoying himself as the door closed behind him. Brown, of course, forbade him the pilothouse after that, and he spent the rest of the trip “an emancipated slave” listening to George Ealer's flute and his readings from Goldsmith and Shakespeare; playing chess with him sometimes, and learning a trick which he would use himself in the long after-years—that of taking back the last move and running out the game differently when he saw defeat.

Captain Klinefelter told him to leave, and the culprit heard him having a good time as the door shut behind him. Brown, naturally, banned him from the pilothouse after that, and he spent the rest of the trip “an emancipated slave,” listening to George Ealer's flute and his readings from Goldsmith and Shakespeare; sometimes playing chess with him and learning a trick he would later use himself—taking back the last move and playing the game differently when he saw he was going to lose.

Brown swore that he would leave the boat at New Orleans if Sam Clemens remained on it, and Captain Klinefelter told Brown to go. Then when another pilot could not be obtained to fill his place, the captain offered to let Clemens himself run the daylight watches, thus showing his confidence in the knowledge of the young steersman, who had been only a little more than a year at the wheel. But Clemens himself had less confidence and advised the captain to keep Brown back to St. Louis. He would follow up the river by another boat and resume his place as steersman when Brown was gone. Without knowing it, he may have saved his life by that decision.

Brown insisted he would leave the boat in New Orleans if Sam Clemens stayed on it, so Captain Klinefelter told Brown to go. When another pilot couldn't be found to replace him, the captain offered to let Clemens run the daylight watches himself, showing his trust in the young steersman, who had been at the wheel for just over a year. However, Clemens was less confident and advised the captain to keep Brown on the boat until St. Louis. He planned to take another boat upstream and take back his position as steersman once Brown was gone. Unknowingly, he may have saved his own life with that decision.

It is doubtful if he remembered his recent disturbing dream, though some foreboding would seem to have hung over him the night before the Pennsylvania sailed. Henry liked to join in the night-watches on the levee when he had finished his duties, and the brothers often walked the round chatting together. On this particular night the elder spoke of disaster on the river. Finally he said:

It’s uncertain whether he recalled his unsettling dream from the night before, but there did seem to be a sense of unease surrounding him before the Pennsylvania set sail. Henry enjoyed taking part in the night watches on the levee after finishing his tasks, and the brothers frequently strolled together, talking along the way. On this particular night, the older brother talked about potential disaster on the river. Finally, he said:

“In case of accident, whatever you do, don't lose your head—the passengers will do that. Rush for the hurricane deck and to the life-boat, and obey the mate's orders. When the boat is launched, help the women and children into it. Don't get in yourself. The river is only a mile wide. You can swim ashore easily enough.”

“In case of an accident, whatever you do, stay calm—the passengers will panic. Head for the hurricane deck and the lifeboat, and listen to the mate's instructions. When the boat is launched, help the women and children get in. Don’t enter yourself. The river is only a mile wide. You can swim to the shore easily.”

It was good manly advice, but it yielded a long harvest of sorrow.

It was solid advice from a man, but it brought a long period of sadness.





XXVI. THE TRAGEDY OF THE “PENNSYLVANIA”

Captain Klinefelter obtained his steersman a pass on the A. T. Lacey, which left two days behind the Pennsylvania. This was pleasant, for Bart Bowen had become captain of that fine boat. The Lacey touched at Greenville, Mississippi, and a voice from the landing shouted:

Captain Klinefelter got his steersman a pass on the A.T. Lacey, which left two days after the Pennsylvania. This was nice, because Bart Bowen had become the captain of that great boat. The Lacey stopped at Greenville, Mississippi, and someone from the landing shouted:

“The Pennsylvania is blown up just below Memphis, at Ship Island! One hundred and fifty lives lost!”

“The Pennsylvania has exploded just south of Memphis, at Ship Island! One hundred and fifty lives have been lost!”

Nothing further could be learned there, but that evening at Napoleon a Memphis extra reported some of the particulars. Henry Clemens's name was mentioned as one of those, who had escaped injury. Still farther up the river they got a later extra. Henry was again mentioned; this time as being scalded beyond recovery. By the time they reached Memphis they knew most of the details: At six o'clock that warm mid-June morning, while loading wood from a large flat-boat sixty miles below Memphis, four out of eight of the Pennsylvania's boilers had suddenly exploded with fearful results. All the forward end of the boat had been blown out. Many persons had been killed outright; many more had been scalded and crippled and would die. It was one of those hopeless, wholesale steamboat slaughters which for more than a generation had made the Mississippi a river of death and tears.

Nothing more could be discovered there, but that evening in Memphis, an extra edition reported some of the details. Henry Clemens's name was mentioned as one of those who had escaped injury. Further up the river, they got a later update. Henry was mentioned again, this time as having been scalded beyond recovery. By the time they reached Memphis, they knew most of the details: At six o'clock that warm mid-June morning, while loading wood from a large flatboat sixty miles below Memphis, four out of the eight boilers on the Pennsylvania had suddenly exploded with devastating results. The entire forward end of the boat had been blown apart. Many people had been killed instantly; many more had been scalded and crippled and would not survive. It was one of those tragic, widespread steamboat disasters that had made the Mississippi a river of death and sorrow for more than a generation.

Samuel Clemens found his brother stretched upon a mattress on the floor of an improvised hospital—a public hall—surrounded by more than thirty others more or less desperately injured. He was told that Henry had inhaled steam and that his body was badly scalded. His case was considered hopeless.

Samuel Clemens found his brother lying on a mattress on the floor of a makeshift hospital—a public hall—surrounded by more than thirty others who were more or less seriously injured. He was informed that Henry had inhaled steam and that his skin was badly burned. His situation was deemed hopeless.

Henry was one of those who had been blown into the river by the explosion. He had started to swim for the shore, only a few hundred yards away, but presently, feeling no pain and believing himself unhurt, he had turned back to assist in the rescue of the others. What he did after that could not be clearly learned. The vessel had taken fire; the rescued were being carried aboard the big wood-boat still attached to the wreck. The fire soon raged so that the rescuers and all who could be saved were driven into the wood-flat, which was then cut adrift and landed. There the sufferers had to lie in the burning sun many hours until help could come. Henry was among those who were insensible by that time. Perhaps he had really been uninjured at first and had been scalded in his work of rescue; it will never be known.

Henry was one of the people who had been thrown into the river by the explosion. He started swimming toward the shore, which was only a few hundred yards away, but eventually, feeling no pain and thinking he was fine, he turned around to help rescue the others. What happened next isn’t entirely clear. The vessel had caught fire; those who were rescued were being brought aboard the large wooden boat still connected to the wreck. The fire quickly escalated, forcing the rescuers and everyone who could be saved to retreat to the wood flat, which was then untied and brought ashore. There, the victims had to lie in the scorching sun for many hours until help arrived. By that time, Henry was among those who were unconscious. Maybe he really hadn't been hurt at first and had gotten burned while trying to save others; we’ll never know for sure.

His brother, hearing these things, was thrown into the deepest agony and remorse. He held himself to blame for everything; for Henry's presence on the boat; for his advice concerning safety of others; for his own absence when he might have been there to help and protect the boy. He wanted to telegraph at once to his mother and sister to come, but the doctors persuaded him to wait—just why, he never knew. He sent word of the disaster to Orion, who by this time had sold out in Keokuk and was in East Tennessee studying law; then he set himself to the all but hopeless task of trying to bring Henry back to life. Many Memphis ladies were acting as nurses, and one, a Miss Wood, attracted by the boy's youth and striking features, joined in the desperate effort. Some medical students had come to assist the doctors, and one of these also took special interest in Henry's case. Dr. Peyton, an old Memphis practitioner, declared that with such care the boy might pull through.

His brother, hearing this, was consumed with deep pain and guilt. He blamed himself for everything: for Henry being on the boat, for his advice about keeping others safe, and for not being there when he could have helped and protected the boy. He wanted to immediately send a telegram to his mother and sister to come, but the doctors convinced him to wait—he never understood why. He informed Orion about the disaster; by then, Orion had sold his business in Keokuk and was studying law in East Tennessee. Then he threw himself into the nearly impossible task of trying to bring Henry back to life. Many women from Memphis were volunteering as nurses, and one of them, Miss Wood, drawn in by the boy's youth and striking looks, joined the desperate effort. Some medical students had also come to help the doctors, and one of them took a particular interest in Henry's case. Dr. Peyton, a longtime Memphis doctor, stated that with such care, the boy might pull through.

But on the fourth night he was considered to be dying. Half delirious with grief and the strain of watching, Samuel Clemens wrote to his mother and to his sister-in-law in Tennessee. The letter to Orion Clemens's wife has been preserved.

But on the fourth night, he was thought to be dying. Half out of his mind with grief and the stress of watching, Samuel Clemens wrote to his mother and his sister-in-law in Tennessee. The letter to Orion Clemens's wife has been kept.

    MEMPHIS, TENN., Friday, June 18, 1858.

    DEAR SISTER MOLLIE,—Long before this reaches you my poor Henry—my
    darling, my pride, my glory, my all will have finished his blameless
    career, and the light of my life will have gone out in utter
    darkness. The horrors of three days have swept over me—they have
    blasted my youth and left me an old man before my time. Mollie,
    there are gray hairs in my head to-night. For forty-eight hours I
    labored at the bedside of my poor burned and bruised but
    uncomplaining brother, and then the star of my hope went out and
    left me in the gloom of despair. Men take me by the hand and
    congratulate me, and call me “lucky” because I was not on the
    Pennsylvania when she blew up! May God forgive them, for they know
    not what they say.

    I was on the Pennsylvania five minutes before she left N. Orleans,
    and I must tell you the truth, Mollie—three hundred human beings
    perished by that fearful disaster. But may God bless Memphis, the
    noblest city on the face of the earth. She has done her duty by
    these poor afflicted creatures—especially Henry, for he has had
    five—aye, ten, fifteen, twenty times the care and attention that
    any one else has had. Dr. Peyton, the best physician in Memphis (he
    is exactly like the portraits of Webster), sat by him for 36 hours.
    There are 32 scalded men in that room, and you would know Dr.
    Peyton better than I can describe him if you could follow him around
    and hear each man murmur as he passes, “May the God of Heaven bless
    you, Doctor!” The ladies have done well, too. Our second mate, a
    handsome, noble-hearted young fellow, will die. Yesterday a
    beautiful girl of 15 stooped timidly down by his side and handed him
    a pretty bouquet. The poor suffering boy's eyes kindled, his lips
    quivered out a gentle “God bless you, Miss,” and he burst into
    tears. He made them write her name on a card for him, that he might
    not forget it.

    Pray for me, Mollie, and pray for my poor sinless brother.
    Your unfortunate brother,

    SAML. L. CLEMENS.

    P. S.—I got here two days after Henry.
    MEMPHIS, TENN., Friday, June 18, 1858.

    DEAR SISTER MOLLIE,—Long before this reaches you, my poor Henry—my darling, my pride, my glory, my everything—will have finished his blameless life, and the light of my life will have gone out in complete darkness. The horrors of three days have overwhelmed me—they have aged me prematurely. Mollie, I have gray hairs in my head tonight. For forty-eight hours, I sat by the bedside of my poor burned and bruised but uncomplaining brother, and then the star of my hope went out, leaving me in despair. People take my hand and congratulate me, calling me "lucky" because I wasn't on the Pennsylvania when it exploded! May God forgive them; they don’t know what they are saying.

    I was on the Pennsylvania five minutes before it left New Orleans, and I have to tell you the truth, Mollie—three hundred people lost their lives in that terrible disaster. But may God bless Memphis, the finest city on earth. She has done her part for these unfortunate souls—especially Henry, who has received five—yes, ten, fifteen, twenty times the care and attention that anyone else has had. Dr. Peyton, the best physician in Memphis (he looks just like the portraits of Webster), stayed by his side for 36 hours. There are 32 scalded men in that room, and you would know Dr. Peyton better than I could describe him if you could follow him around and hear each patient murmur as he passes, "May the God of Heaven bless you, Doctor!" The ladies have also done well. Our second mate, a handsome, kind-hearted young man, is going to die. Yesterday, a beautiful 15-year-old girl timidly leaned down beside him and handed him a lovely bouquet. The poor suffering boy’s eyes lit up, his lips quivered as he softly said, "God bless you, Miss," and then he broke down in tears. He had them write her name on a card so he wouldn’t forget it.

    Please pray for me, Mollie, and pray for my innocent brother.  
    Your unfortunate brother,

    SAML. L. CLEMENS.

    P. S.—I got here two days after Henry.

But, alas, this was not all, nor the worst. It would seem that Samuel Clemens's cup of remorse must be always overfull. The final draft that would embitter his years was added the sixth night after the accident—the night that Henry died. He could never bring himself to write it. He was never known to speak of it but twice.

But, unfortunately, that wasn't everything, nor the worst part. It seemed that Samuel Clemens's sense of regret would always be overflowing. The last draft that would sour his years was added on the sixth night after the accident—the night Henry died. He could never bring himself to write it. He was only known to mention it twice.

Henry had rallied soon after the foregoing letter had been mailed, and improved slowly that day and the next: Dr. Peyton came around about eleven o'clock on the sixth night and made careful examination. He said:

Henry had bounced back soon after the previous letter was sent, and he slowly got better that day and the next: Dr. Peyton came by around eleven o'clock on the sixth night and did a thorough check-up. He said:

“I believe he is out of danger and will get well. He is likely to be restless during the night; the groans and fretting of the others will disturb him. If he cannot rest without it, tell the physician in charge to give him one-eighth of a grain of morphine.”

“I believe he is no longer in danger and will recover. He will probably be restless tonight; the groans and fussing of the others will bother him. If he can’t rest without it, let the doctor in charge know to give him one-eighth of a grain of morphine.”

The boy did wake during the night, and was disturbed by the complaining of the other sufferers. His brother told the young medical student in charge what the doctor had said about the morphine. But morphine was a new drug then; the student hesitated, saying:

The boy woke up during the night and was bothered by the moaning of the other patients. His brother informed the young medical student in charge about what the doctor had said regarding the morphine. But morphine was a new drug at that time; the student hesitated, saying:

“I have no way of measuring. I don't know how much an eighth of a grain would be.”

“I have no way to measure it. I don't know how much an eighth of a grain is.”

Henry grew rapidly worse—more and more restless. His brother was half beside himself with the torture of it. He went to the medical student.

Henry got rapidly worse—becoming more and more restless. His brother was almost out of his mind with the stress of it. He went to see the medical student.

“If you have studied drugs,” he said, “you ought to be able to judge an eighth of a grain of morphine.”

“If you’ve studied drugs,” he said, “you should be able to measure an eighth of a grain of morphine.”

The young man's courage was over-swayed. He yielded and ladled out in the old-fashioned way, on the point of a knife-blade, what he believed to be the right amount. Henry immediately sank into a heavy sleep. He died before morning. His chance of life had been infinitesimal, and his death was not necessarily due to the drug, but Samuel Clemens, unsparing in his self-blame, all his days carried the burden of it.

The young man's bravery faltered. He gave in and measured out in the traditional way, using the edge of a knife, what he thought was the right amount. Henry quickly fell into a deep sleep. He passed away before morning. His chances of survival were incredibly slim, and his death wasn't necessarily caused by the drug, but Samuel Clemens, harsh on himself, carried that guilt for the rest of his life.

He saw the boy taken to the dead room, then the long strain of grief, the days and nights without sleep, the ghastly realization of the end overcame him. A citizen of Memphis took him away in a kind of daze and gave him a bed in his house, where he fell into a stupor of fatigue and surrender. It was many hours before he woke; when he did, at last, he dressed and went to where Henry lay. The coffin provided for the dead were of unpainted wood, but the youth and striking face of Henry Clemens had aroused a special interest. The ladies of Memphis had made up a fund of sixty dollars and bought for him a metallic case. Samuel Clemens entering, saw his brother lying exactly as he had seen him in his dream, lacking only the bouquet of white flowers with its crimson center—a detail made complete while he stood there, for at that moment an elderly lady came in with a large white bouquet, and in the center of it was a single red rose.

He saw the boy being taken to the morgue, and then the overwhelming wave of grief hit him. Days and nights passed without any sleep, and the horrifying realization that it was all over consumed him. A Memphis resident took him away in a kind of daze and offered him a bed at his home, where he collapsed into a deep fatigue and acceptance. Hours went by before he finally woke up; when he did, he got dressed and went to see where Henry was. The coffins for the deceased were made of unpainted wood, but Henry Clemens' youthful and striking face drew particular attention. The women of Memphis had collected sixty dollars and bought him a metal casket. When Samuel Clemens walked in, he saw his brother lying just as he had in his dream, missing only the bouquet of white flowers with the red center—a detail that soon became complete while he stood there, as an elderly woman entered with a large white bouquet, and in the center was a single red rose.

Orion arrived from Tennessee, and the brothers took their sorrowful burden to St. Louis, subsequently to Hannibal, his old home. The death of this lovely boy was a heavy sorrow to the community where he was known, for he had been a favorite with all.—[For a fine characterization of Henry Clemens the reader is referred to a letter written by Orion Clemens to Miss Wood. See Appendix A, at the end of the last volume.]

Orion arrived from Tennessee, and the brothers took their heavy sadness to St. Louis, and then to Hannibal, his hometown. The death of this beloved boy was a deep sorrow for the community where he was known, as he had been a favorite among everyone.—[For a great description of Henry Clemens, the reader is referred to a letter written by Orion Clemens to Miss Wood. See Appendix A, at the end of the last volume.]

From Hannibal the family returned to Pamela's home in St. Louis. There one night Orion heard his brother moaning and grieving and walking the floor of his room. By and by Sam came in to where Orion was. He could endure it no longer, he said; he must, “tell somebody.”

From Hannibal, the family returned to Pamela's house in St. Louis. One night, Orion heard his brother moaning, upset, and pacing in his room. Eventually, Sam came to where Orion was. He couldn't take it anymore, he said; he had to, “tell someone.”

Then he poured all the story of that last tragic night. It has been set down here because it accounts for much in his after-life. It magnified his natural compassion for the weakness and blunders of humanity, while it increased the poor opinion implanted by the Scotchman Macfarlane of the human being as a divine invention. Two of Mark Twain's chief characteristics were—consideration for the human species, and contempt for it.

Then he shared the whole story of that last tragic night. It's included here because it explains a lot about his life afterwards. It heightened his natural compassion for the weaknesses and mistakes of humanity, while it reinforced the low opinion that the Scotsman Macfarlane had instilled in him about humans as a divine creation. Two of Mark Twain's main traits were—concern for humanity, and disdain for it.

In many ways he never overcame the tragedy of Henry's death. He never really looked young again. Gray hairs had come, as he said, and they did not disappear. His face took on the serious, pathetic look which from that time it always had in repose. At twenty-three he looked thirty. At thirty he looked nearer forty. After that the discrepancy in age and looks became less notable. In vigor, complexion, and temperament he was regarded in later life as young for his years, but never in looks.

In many ways, he never got over the tragedy of Henry's death. He never really looked young again. Gray hairs showed up, as he put it, and they didn’t go away. His face took on a serious, sad expression that he always had when he was relaxed from that point on. At twenty-three, he looked thirty. At thirty, he seemed closer to forty. After that, the gap between his age and appearance became less noticeable. In terms of vigor, complexion, and temperament, he was seen as young for his age in later life, but never in looks.





XXVII. THE PILOT

The young pilot returned to the river as steersman for George Ealer, whom he loved, and in September of that year obtained a full license as Mississippi River pilot.—[In Life on the Mississippi he gives his period of learning at from two to two and a half years; but documentary evidence as well as Mr. Bixby's testimony places the apprenticeship at eighteen months]—Bixby had returned by this time, and they were again together, first on the Crescent City, later on a fine new boat called the New Falls City. Clemens was still a steersman when Bixby returned; but as soon as his license was granted (September 9, 1858) his old chief took him as full partner.

The young pilot went back to the river as a steersman for George Ealer, whom he loved, and in September of that year, he got his full license as a pilot on the Mississippi River. —[In Life on the Mississippi, he mentions that his training lasted from two to two and a half years; however, both documentary evidence and Mr. Bixby's testimony confirm the apprenticeship lasted eighteen months.]— By this time, Bixby had returned, and they were together again, first on the Crescent City, and later on a brand new boat called the New Falls City. Clemens was still a steersman when Bixby came back, but as soon as he received his license (September 9, 1858), his former chief took him on as a full partner.

He was a pilot at last. In eighteen months he had packed away in his head all the multitude of volatile statistics and acquired that confidence and courage which made him one of the elect, a river sovereign. He knew every snag and bank and dead tree and reef in all those endless miles between St. Louis and New Orleans, every cut-off and current, every depth of water—the whole story—by night and by day. He could smell danger in the dark; he could read the surface of the water as an open page. At twenty-three he had acquired a profession which surpassed all others for absolute sovereignty and yielded an income equal to that then earned by the Vice-President of the United States. Boys generally finish college at about that age, but it is not likely that any boy ever finished college with the mass of practical information and training that was stored away in Samuel Clemens's head, or with his knowledge of human nature, his preparation for battle with the world.

He was finally a pilot. In eighteen months, he had memorized a ton of volatile stats and developed the confidence and courage that set him apart, a master of the river. He knew every rock, bank, dead tree, and reef along the endless stretch between St. Louis and New Orleans, every shortcut and current, every depth of water—the whole story—day and night. He could sense danger in the dark; he could read the water's surface like a book. By twenty-three, he had a profession that was more powerful than any other and made an income comparable to what the Vice President of the United States earned at the time. Most boys finish college around that age, but it’s unlikely any boy ever graduated with as much practical knowledge and training as Samuel Clemens had, or with his understanding of human nature and readiness to take on the world.

“Not only was he a pilot, but a good one.” These are Horace Bixby's words, and he added:

“Not only was he a pilot, but a good one.” Those are the words of Horace Bixby, and he added:

“It is the fashion to-day to disparage Sam's piloting. Men who were born since he was on the river and never saw him will tell you that Sam was never much of a pilot. Most of them will tell you that he was never a pilot at all. As a matter of fact, Sam was a fine pilot, and in a day when piloting on the Mississippi required a great deal more brains and skill and application than it does now. There were no signal-lights along the shore in those days, and no search-lights on the vessels; everything was blind, and on a dark, misty night in a river full of snags and shifting sand—bars and changing shores, a pilot's judgment had to be founded on absolute certainty.”

“It’s trendy these days to criticize Sam’s skills as a pilot. People who were born after he worked on the river and never saw him will tell you that Sam wasn’t much of a pilot. Most of them will claim he wasn’t a pilot at all. The truth is, Sam was an excellent pilot, and back then, piloting on the Mississippi required a lot more brains, skill, and dedication than it does now. There were no signal lights along the shore back then, and no searchlights on the boats; everything was done blind, and on a dark, foggy night in a river full of snags and shifting sandbars and changing banks, a pilot's judgment had to be based on absolute certainty.”

He had plenty of money now. He could help his mother with a liberal hand, and he did it. He helped Orion, too, with money and with advice. From a letter written toward the end of the year, we gather the new conditions. Orion would seem to have been lamenting over prospects, and the young pilot, strong and exalted in his new estate, urges him to renewed consistent effort:

He had a lot of money now. He could generously help his mother, and he did. He also supported Orion with both money and advice. From a letter written toward the end of the year, we learn about the new circumstances. It seems Orion was feeling down about his prospects, and the young pilot, feeling strong and uplifted in his new situation, encourages him to keep pushing forward.

    What is a government without energy?—[he says]—. And what is a
    man without energy? Nothing—nothing at all. What is the grandest
    thing in “Paradise Lost”—the Arch-Fiend's terrible energy! What
    was the greatest feature in Napoleon's character? His unconquerable
    energy! Sum all the gifts that man is endowed with, and we give our
    greatest share of admiration to his energy. And to-day, if I were a
    heathen, I would rear a statue to Energy, and fall down and worship
    it!

    I want a man to—I want you to—take up a line of action, and follow
    it out, in spite of the very devil.
    What is a government without energy?—[he says]—. And what is a man without energy? Nothing—nothing at all. What is the most impressive thing in “Paradise Lost”—the Arch-Fiend's incredible energy! What was the greatest quality in Napoleon's character? His unstoppable energy! If we sum up all the qualities that people have, we give our highest praise to their energy. And today, if I were a pagan, I would build a statue to Energy and worship it!

    I want a man to—I want you to—choose a course of action and stick with it, no matter what.

Orion and his wife had returned to Keokuk by this time, waiting for something in the way of a business opportunity.

Orion and his wife had returned to Keokuk by this time, waiting for some sort of business opportunity.

His pilot brother, wrote him more than once letters of encouragement and council. Here and there he refers to the tragedy of Henry's death, and the shadow it has cast upon his life; but he was young, he was successful, his spirits were naturally exuberant. In the exhilaration of youth and health and success he finds vent at times in that natural human outlet, self-approval. He not only exhibits this weakness, but confesses it with characteristic freedom.

His pilot brother wrote him several encouraging letters and advice. Occasionally, he mentions the tragedy of Henry's death and the impact it's had on his life; however, he was young, successful, and his spirits were naturally high. In the excitement of youth, health, and success, he often expresses this through a natural human tendency—self-approval. He not only shows this weakness but openly admits it with his usual candor.

    Putting all things together, I begin to think I am rather lucky than
    otherwise—a notion which I was slow to take up. The other night I
    was about to “round to” for a storm, but concluded that I could find
    a smoother bank somewhere. I landed five miles below. The storm
    came, passed away and did not injure us. Coming up, day before
    yesterday, I looked at the spot I first chose, and half the trees on
    the bank were torn to shreds. We couldn't have lived 5 minutes in
    such a tornado. And I am also lucky in having a berth, while all
    the other young pilots are idle. This is the luckiest circumstance
    that ever befell me. Not on account of the wages—for that is a
    secondary consideration-but from the fact that the City of Memphis
    is the largest boat in the trade, and the hardest to pilot, and
    consequently I can get a reputation on her, which is a thing I never
    could accomplish on a transient boat. I can “bank” in the
    neighborhood of $100 a month on her, and that will satisfy me for
    the present (principally because the other youngsters are sucking
    their fingers). Bless me! what a pleasure there is in revenge!—and
    what vast respect Prosperity commands! Why, six months ago, I could
    enter the “Rooms,” and receive only the customary fraternal greeting
    now they say, “Why, how are you, old fellow—when did you get in?”

    And the young pilots who use to tell me, patronizingly, that I could
    never learn the river cannot keep from showing a little of their
    chagrin at seeing me so far ahead of them. Permit me to “blow my
    horn,” for I derive a living pleasure from these things, and I must
    confess that when I go to pay my dues, I rather like to let the
    d—-d rascals get a glimpse of a hundred-dollar bill peeping out
    from amongst notes of smaller dimensions whose face I do not
    exhibit! You will despise this egotism, but I tell you there is a
    “stern joy” in it.
Putting everything together, I’m starting to think I’m pretty lucky rather than the opposite—a thought I was slow to accept. The other night, I was about to secure things for a storm, but I decided I could find a smoother bank somewhere. I ended up landing five miles downstream. The storm arrived, passed, and didn’t harm us. When I came back the day before yesterday, I looked at the spot I initially picked, and half the trees on the bank were shredded. We wouldn’t have lasted five minutes in that tornado. I’m also lucky to have a position while all the other young pilots are out of work. This is the luckiest thing that ever happened to me. Not because of the pay—because that’s a secondary issue—but because the City of Memphis is the biggest boat in the trade and the hardest to pilot, so I can build a reputation on her, which is something I could never achieve on a temporary boat. I can make around $100 a month on her, which is enough for me right now (mainly because the other young guys are twiddling their thumbs). I tell you, there’s such pleasure in revenge!—and what immense respect Prosperity demands! Six months ago, I could walk into the “Rooms” and only get the usual friendly greeting; now they say, “Hey, how are you, old friend—when did you arrive?”

And the young pilots who used to tell me, condescendingly, that I’d never learn the river can’t help but show a little of their irritation at seeing me so far ahead of them. Allow me to “toot my own horn,” because I take real joy in these moments, and I have to admit that when I go to pay my dues, I kind of enjoy letting those darn rascals catch a glimpse of a hundred-dollar bill peeking out from among smaller bills that I don’t show! You might look down on this self-promotion, but believe me, there’s a “deep joy” in it.

We are dwelling on this period of Mark Twain's life, for it was a period that perhaps more than any other influenced his future years. He became completely saturated with the river its terms, its memories, its influence remained a definite factor in his personality to the end of his days. Moreover, it was his first period of great triumph. Where before he had been a subaltern not always even a wage-earner—now all in a moment he had been transformed into a high chief. The fullest ambition of his childhood had been realized—more than realized, for in that day he had never dreamed of a boat or of an income of such stately proportions. Of great personal popularity, and regarded as a safe pilot, he had been given one of the largest, most difficult of boats. Single-handed and alone he had fought his way into the company of kings.

We are focusing on this period of Mark Twain's life because it greatly influenced his future. He became completely immersed in the river; its terminology, memories, and impact remained a significant part of his personality for the rest of his life. Moreover, this was his first period of major success. Where he had previously been a junior staff member, not always even making a steady income—now, in an instant, he was transformed into a respected leader. The biggest ambition of his childhood had come true—actually more than he ever imagined, as at that time he never dreamed of owning a boat or earning such a substantial income. With considerable personal popularity and seen as a reliable pilot, he was given one of the largest, most challenging boats. On his own, he fought his way into the ranks of the elite.

And we may pardon his vanity. He could hardly fail to feel his glory and revel in it and wear it as a halo, perhaps, a little now and then in the Association Rooms. To this day he is remembered as a figure there, though we may believe, regardless of his own statement, that it was not entirely because of his success. As the boys of Hannibal had gathered around to listen when Sam Clemens began to speak, so we may be certain that the pilots at St. Louis and New Orleans laid aside other things when he had an observation to make or a tale to tell.

And we can overlook his vanity. He could hardly help but feel his own greatness and enjoy it, wearing it like a halo, maybe now and then in the Association Rooms. To this day, he is remembered as a significant figure there, even if we believe, despite his own claims, that it wasn't just because of his success. Just as the boys of Hannibal gathered around to hear Sam Clemens speak, we can be sure that the pilots in St. Louis and New Orleans paused their work whenever he had something to share or a story to tell.

    He was much given to spinning yarns—[writes one associate of those
    days]—so funny that his hearers were convulsed, and yet all the
    time his own face was perfectly sober. If he laughed at all, it
    must have been inside. It would have killed his hearers to do that.
    Occasionally some of his droll yarns would get into the papers. He
    may have written them himself.
    He loved to tell stories—[writes one associate from those days]—so funny that his listeners were in stitches, yet his own face was completely serious the whole time. If he laughed at all, it must have been internally. It would have been too much for his audience to see him laugh. Sometimes, some of his humorous stories would make it into the newspapers. He might have written them himself.

Another riverman of those days has recalled a story he heard Sam Clemens tell:

Another riverman from back then remembered a story he heard Sam Clemens tell:

    We were speaking of presence of mind in accidents—we were always
    talking of such things; then he said:

    “Boys, I had great presence of mind once. It was at a fire. An old
    man leaned out of a four-story building calling for help. Everybody
    in the crowd below looked up, but nobody did anything. The ladders
    weren't long enough. Nobody had any presence of mind—nobody but
    me. I came to the rescue. I yelled for a rope. When it came I
    threw the old man the end of it. He caught it and I told him to tie
    it around his waist. He did so, and I pulled him down.”
 
    We were talking about staying calm in emergencies—we often discussed things like that; then he said:

    “Guys, I once had a lot of presence of mind. It was during a fire. An old man was leaning out of a four-story building, calling for help. Everyone in the crowd below was looking up, but no one was doing anything. The ladders weren't long enough. Nobody was thinking on their feet—except for me. I stepped in to help. I shouted for a rope. When it arrived, I threw the end to the old man. He caught it, and I told him to tie it around his waist. He did, and I pulled him down.”

This was one of the stories that got into print and traveled far. Perhaps, as the old pilot suggests, he wrote some of them himself, for Horace Bixby remembers that “Sam was always scribbling when not at the wheel.”

This was one of the stories that got published and spread widely. Maybe, as the old pilot suggests, he wrote some of them himself, because Horace Bixby recalls that “Sam was always scribbling when not at the wheel.”

But if he published any work in those river-days he did not acknowledge it later—with one exception. The exception was not intended for publication, either. It was a burlesque written for the amusement of his immediate friends. He has told the story himself, more than once, but it belongs here for the reason that some where out of the general circumstance of it there originated a pseudonym, one day to become the best-known in the hemispheres the name Mark Twain.

But if he published any work during those river days, he didn’t acknowledge it later—except for one case. That case wasn’t meant for publication either. It was a parody written for the entertainment of his close friends. He has recounted the story himself more than once, but it’s relevant here because, from the overall circumstances of it, a pseudonym was created, which would one day become the most famous name in the world: Mark Twain.

That terse, positive, peremptory, dynamic pen-name was first used by an old pilot named Isaiah Sellers—a sort of “oldest inhabitant” of the river, who made the other pilots weary with the scope and antiquity of his reminiscent knowledge. He contributed paragraphs of general information and Nestorian opinions to the New Orleans Picayune, and signed them “Mark Twain.” They were quaintly egotistical in tone, usually beginning: “My opinion for the benefit of the citizens of New Orleans,” and reciting incidents and comparisons dating as far back as 1811.

That brief, upbeat, assertive, energetic pen name was first used by an old pilot named Isaiah Sellers—a kind of “resident expert” of the river, who made the other pilots tired with the depth and age of his memories. He contributed sections of general information and unique opinions to the New Orleans Picayune, signing them as “Mark Twain.” They had a charmingly self-centered tone, usually starting with: “My opinion for the benefit of the citizens of New Orleans,” and recounting events and comparisons dating all the way back to 1811.

Captain Sellers naturally was regarded as fair game by the young pilots, who amused themselves by imitating his manner and general attitude of speech. But Clemens went further; he wrote at considerable length a broadly burlesque imitation signed “Sergeant Fathom,” with an introduction which referred to the said Fathom as “one of the oldest cub pilots on the river.” The letter that followed related a perfectly impossible trip, supposed to have been made in 1763 by the steamer “the old first Jubilee” with a “Chinese captain and a Choctaw crew.” It is a gem of its kind, and will bear reprint in full today.—[See Appendix B, at the end of the last volume.]

Captain Sellers was seen as an easy target by the young pilots, who entertained themselves by mimicking his mannerisms and way of speaking. But Clemens took it a step further; he wrote a lengthy, comically exaggerated imitation signed “Sergeant Fathom,” with an introduction that described Fathom as “one of the oldest cub pilots on the river.” The subsequent letter detailed a completely absurd trip supposedly taken in 1763 by the steamer “the old first Jubilee” with a “Chinese captain and a Choctaw crew.” It’s a classic piece and deserves to be reprinted in full today.—[See Appendix B, at the end of the last volume.]

The burlesque delighted Bart Bowen, who was Clemens's pilot partner on the Edward J. Gay at the time. He insisted on showing it to others and finally upon printing it. Clemens was reluctant, but consented. It appeared in the True Delta (May 8 or 9, 1859), and was widely and boisterously enjoyed.

The burlesque thrilled Bart Bowen, who was Clemens's pilot partner on the Edward J. Gay at the time. He insisted on sharing it with others and eventually had it printed. Clemens was hesitant but agreed. It was published in the True Delta (May 8 or 9, 1859) and was widely and enthusiastically enjoyed.

It broke Captain Sellers's literary heart. He never contributed another paragraph. Mark Twain always regretted the whole matter deeply, and his own revival of the name was a sort of tribute to the old man he had thoughtlessly wounded. If Captain Sellers has knowledge of material matters now, he is probably satisfied; for these things brought to him, and to the name he had chosen, what he could never himself have achieved—immortality.

It broke Captain Sellers’s literary heart. He never wrote another paragraph. Mark Twain always regretted the whole situation deeply, and his revival of the name was a kind of tribute to the old man he had thoughtlessly hurt. If Captain Sellers has any understanding of material wealth now, he is probably satisfied; because these things brought to him, and to the name he had chosen, what he could never have achieved himself—immortality.





XXVIII. PILOTING AND PROPHECY

Those who knew Samuel Clemens best in those days say that he was a slender, fine-looking man, well dressed—even dandified—given to patent leathers, blue serge, white duck, and fancy striped shirts. Old for his years, he heightened his appearance at times by wearing his beard in the atrocious mutton-chop fashion, then popular, but becoming to no one, least of all to him. The pilots regarded him as a great reader—a student of history, travels, literature, and the sciences—a young man whom it was an education as well as an entertainment to know. When not at the wheel, he was likely to be reading or telling yarns in the Association Rooms.

Those who knew Samuel Clemens well in those days say that he was a slim, attractive man, well-dressed—even a bit flashy—favoring patent leather shoes, blue serge suits, white duck clothing, and stylish striped shirts. Older than his years, he sometimes enhanced his look by sporting a ridiculous mutton-chop beard, which was popular at the time but suited no one, especially not him. The pilots saw him as a great reader—a student of history, travel, literature, and science—a young man who was as much a pleasure to know as he was enlightening. When he wasn't at the wheel, he was often found reading or sharing stories in the Association Rooms.

He began the study of French one day when he passed a school of languages, where three tongues, French, German, and Italian, were taught, one in each of three rooms. The price was twenty-five dollars for one language, or three for fifty dollars. The student was provided with a set of cards for each room and supposed to walk from one apartment to another, changing tongues at each threshold. With his unusual enthusiasm and prodigality, the young pilot decided to take all three languages, but after the first two or three round trips concluded that for the present French would do. He did not return to the school, but kept his cards and bought text-books. He must have studied pretty faithfully when he was off watch and in port, for his river note-book contains a French exercise, all neatly written, and it is from the Dialogues of Voltaire.

He started learning French one day when he passed a language school, where they taught three languages: French, German, and Italian, each in its own room. The cost was twenty-five dollars for one language or fifty dollars for all three. Students were given a set of cards for each room and were supposed to move from one room to another, switching languages at each door. With his unusual enthusiasm and willingness to spend, the young pilot chose to study all three languages, but after the first couple of trips back and forth, he decided that for now, French would be enough. He didn’t go back to the school but kept his cards and bought textbooks instead. He must have studied pretty diligently when he was off duty and in port because his river notebook has a French exercise written neatly in it, taken from the Dialogues of Voltaire.

This old note-book is interesting for other things. The notes are no longer timid, hesitating memoranda, but vigorous records made with the dash of assurance that comes from confidence and knowledge, and with the authority of one in supreme command. Under the head of “2d high-water trip—Jan., 1861—Alonzo Child,” we have the story of a rising river with its overflowing banks, its blind passages and cut-offs—all the circumstance and uncertainty of change.

This old notebook is interesting for other reasons. The notes are no longer shy, uncertain reminders, but strong records written with the confidence that comes from knowledge and understanding, backed by the authority of someone in complete control. Under the heading “2nd high-water trip—Jan., 1861—Alonzo Child,” we have the story of a rising river with its overflowing banks, its hidden routes and cut-offs—all the situations and unpredictability of change.

    Good deal of water all over Coles Creek Chute, 12 or 15 ft. bank
    —could have gone up shore above General Taylor's—too much drift....

    Night—didn't run either 77 or 76 towheads—8 ft. bank on main shore
    Ozark Chute....
    There’s a lot of water all over Coles Creek Chute, 12 to 15 feet high bank — could have gone up the shore above General Taylor’s — too much drift....

    Night — didn’t run either 77 or 76 towheads — 8 feet high bank on the main shore Ozark Chute....

And so on page after page of cryptographic memoranda. It means little enough to the lay reader, yet one gets an impression somehow of the swirling, turbulent water and a lonely figure in that high glassed-in place peering into the dark for blind land-marks and possible dangers, picking his way up the dim, hungry river of which he must know every foot as well as a man knows the hall of his own home. All the qualifications must come into play, then memory, judgment, courage, and the high art of steering. “Steering is a very high, art,” he says; “one must not keep a rudder dragging across a boat's stern if he wants to get up the river fast.”

And so on page after page of cryptographic notes. It means little to the average reader, yet you get a sense of the swirling, turbulent water and a solitary figure in that glassed-in spot peering into the darkness for hidden landmarks and potential dangers, carefully making his way up the dim, hungry river that he must know every inch of, just like a person knows the halls of their own home. All the skills need to come into play, then memory, judgment, courage, and the high art of steering. “Steering is a very high art,” he says; “you shouldn’t let the rudder drag across the back of the boat if you want to move up the river quickly.”

He had an example of the perfection of this art one misty night on the Alonzo Child. Nearly fifty years later, sitting on his veranda in the dark, he recalled it. He said:

He had a perfect example of this art one foggy night on the Alonzo Child. Nearly fifty years later, sitting on his porch in the dark, he remembered it. He said:

“There was a pilot in those days by the name of Jack Leonard who was a perfectly wonderful creature. I do not know that Jack knew anymore about the river than most of us and perhaps could not read the water any better, but he had a knack of steering away ahead of our ability, and I think he must have had an eye that could see farther into the darkness.

“There was a pilot back then named Jack Leonard who was truly an incredible person. I’m not sure Jack knew any more about the river than the rest of us, and he might not have been able to read the water any better, but he had a talent for navigating ahead of our skills, and I believe he must have had a vision that could see deeper into the darkness.”

“I had never seen Leonard steer, but I had heard a good deal about it. I had heard it said that the crankiest old tub afloat—one that would kill any other man to handle—would obey and be as docile as a child when Jack Leonard took the wheel. I had a chance one night to verify that for myself. We were going up the river, and it was one of the nastiest nights I ever saw. Besides that, the boat was loaded in such a way that she steered very hard, and I was half blind and crazy trying to locate the safe channel, and was pulling my arms out to keep her in it. It was one of those nights when everything looks the same whichever way you look: just two long lines where the sky comes down to the trees and where the trees meet the water with all the trees precisely the same height—all planted on the same day, as one of the boys used to put it—and not a thing to steer by except the knowledge in your head of the real shape of the river. Some of the boats had what they call a 'night hawk' on the jackstaff, a thing which you could see when it was in the right position against the sky or the water, though it seldom was in the right position and was generally pretty useless.

“I had never seen Leonard steer, but I had heard a lot about it. People said that the crankiest old tub afloat—one that would be impossible for anyone else to handle—would be as gentle as a child when Jack Leonard took the wheel. I had a chance one night to see it for myself. We were going up the river, and it was one of the worst nights I'd ever experienced. On top of that, the boat was loaded in a way that made steering really difficult, and I was half blind and losing my mind trying to find the safe channel, pulling my arms out to keep her steady. It was one of those nights where everything looks the same no matter which way you turn: just two long lines where the sky meets the trees and where the trees touch the water, all the trees exactly the same height—all planted on the same day, as one of the guys would say—and there was nothing to steer by except the knowledge in my head of the actual shape of the river. Some of the boats had what they called a 'night hawk' on the jackstaff, a thing you could see when it was in the right position against the sky or the water, though it was rarely in the right position and was usually pretty useless.

“I was in a bad way that night and wondering how I could ever get through it, when the pilot-house door opened, and Jack Leonard walked in. He was a passenger that trip, and I had forgotten he was aboard. I was just about in the worst place and was pulling the boat first one way, then another, running the wheel backward and forward, and climbing it like a squirrel.

“I was feeling really low that night, trying to figure out how I would get through it, when the pilot-house door opened, and Jack Leonard walked in. He was a passenger on that trip, and I had totally forgotten he was there. I was in a really tough spot, moving the boat one way, then the other, spinning the wheel back and forth, and climbing it like a squirrel.”

“'Sam,' he said, 'let me take the wheel. Maybe I have been over this place since you have.'

“'Sam,' he said, 'let me take the wheel. Maybe I've been here longer than you have.'

“I didn't argue the question. Jack took the wheel, gave it a little turn one way, then a little turn the other; that old boat settled down as quietly as a lamb—went right along as if it had been broad daylight in a river without snags, bars, bottom, or banks, or anything that one could possibly hit. I never saw anything so beautiful. He stayed my watch out for me, and I hope I was decently grateful. I have never forgotten it.”

“I didn’t argue about it. Jack took the wheel, made a slight turn one way, then a little turn the other; that old boat calmed down as quietly as a lamb—just glided along as if it were bright daylight on a river with no obstacles, sandbars, shallows, or anything to bump into. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. He finished my watch for me, and I hope I showed my gratitude properly. I’ve never forgotten it.”

The old note-book contained the record of many such nights as that; but there were other nights, too, when the stars were blazing out, or when the moon on the water made the river a wide mysterious way of speculative dreams. He was always speculating; the planets and the remote suns were always a marvel to him. A love of astronomy—the romance of it, its vast distances, and its possibilities—began with those lonely river-watches and never waned to his last day. For a time a great comet blazed in the heavens, a “wonderful sheaf of light” that glorified his lonely watch. Night after night he watched it as it developed and then grew dim, and he read eagerly all the comet literature that came to his hand, then or afterward. He speculated of many things: of life, death, the reason of existence, of creation, the ways of Providence and Destiny. It was a fruitful time for such meditation; out of such vigils grew those larger philosophies that would find expression later, when the years had conferred the magic gift of phrase.

The old notebook held records of many nights like that, but there were other nights, too, when the stars were shining brightly, or when the moon lit up the water, turning the river into a wide, mysterious pathway of dreams. He was always pondering; the planets and distant suns were a constant wonder for him. A passion for astronomy—the romance of it, its vast distances, and its possibilities—began during those lonely nights by the river and never faded until his last day. For a while, a great comet blazed in the sky, a “wonderful sheaf of light” that made his solitary watching feel glorious. Night after night, he observed it as it changed and then faded, eagerly reading all the comet literature he could find, both then and later. He contemplated many things: life, death, the purpose of existence, creation, and the ways of Providence and Destiny. It was a rich time for such reflections; from those late-night vigils arose the larger philosophies that would be expressed later when the years had bestowed the magic of language.

Life lay all ahead of him then, and during those still watches he must have revolved many theories of how the future should be met and mastered. In the old notebook there still remains a well-worn clipping, the words of some unknown writer, which he had preserved and may have consulted as a sort of creed. It is an interesting little document—a prophetic one, the reader may concede:

Life was all in front of him then, and during those quiet moments, he must have gone over many ideas about how to face and conquer the future. In the old notebook, there’s still a well-worn clipping, the words of some unknown writer, which he kept and might have referred to as a sort of belief system. It’s an intriguing little document—one that could be called prophetic, the reader might agree:

    HOW TO TAKE LIFE.—Take it just as though it was—as it is—an
    earnest, vital, and important affair. Take it as though you were
    born to the task of performing a merry part in it—as though the
    world had awaited for your coming. Take it as though it was a grand
    opportunity to do and achieve, to carry forward great and good
    schemes; to help and cheer a suffering, weary, it may be
    heartbroken, brother. Now and then a man stands aside from the
    crowd, labors earnestly, steadfastly, confidently, and straightway
    becomes famous for wisdom, intellect, skill, greatness of some sort.
    The world wonders, admires, idolizes, and it only illustrates what
    others may do if they take hold of life with a purpose. The
    miracle, or the power that elevates the few, is to be found in their
    industry, application, and perseverance under the promptings of a
    brave, determined spirit.
HOW TO TAKE LIFE.—Approach it just as it is—an earnest, vital, and significant affair. Take it as if you were meant to play a joyful role in it—as if the world had been waiting for you to arrive. Treat it as a wonderful opportunity to do and achieve, to advance great and good ideas; to support and uplift a suffering, tired, and perhaps heartbroken, fellow being. Every now and then, someone steps away from the crowd, works diligently, steadfastly, and confidently, and quickly gains recognition for wisdom, intelligence, skill, or some form of greatness. The world marvels, admires, and idolizes, illustrating what others could accomplish if they engage with life purposefully. The miracle, or the force that raises the few, lies in their hard work, commitment, and perseverance driven by a brave, determined spirit.

The old note-book contains no record of disasters. Horace Bixby, who should know, has declared:

The old notebook has no record of disasters. Horace Bixby, who knows best, has stated:

“Sam Clemens never had an accident either as a steersman or as a pilot, except once when he got aground for a few hours in the bagasse (cane) smoke, with no damage to anybody though of course there was some good luck in that too, for the best pilots do not escape trouble, now and then.”

“Sam Clemens never had an accident either as a steersman or a pilot, except once when he ran aground for a few hours in the bagasse (cane) smoke, with no harm done to anyone. Of course, it was also a stroke of good luck, because even the best pilots occasionally face issues.”

Bixby and Clemens were together that winter on the Alonzo Child, and a letter to Orion contains an account of great feasting which the two enjoyed at a “French restaurant” in New Orleans—“dissipating on a ten-dollar dinner—tell it not to Ma!”—where they had sheepshead fish, oysters, birds, mushrooms, and what not, “after which the day was too far gone to do anything.” So it appears that he was not always reading Macaulay or studying French and astronomy, but sometimes went frivoling with his old chief, now his chum, always his dear friend.

Bixby and Clemens spent that winter together on the Alonzo Child, and a letter to Orion describes the amazing feasting they enjoyed at a “French restaurant” in New Orleans—“spending way too much on a ten-dollar dinner—don’t tell Ma!”—where they had sheepshead fish, oysters, birds, mushrooms, and more, “after which the day was too far gone to do anything.” So it seems he wasn’t always reading Macaulay or studying French and astronomy, but sometimes went out having fun with his old boss, who was now his buddy and always his dear friend.

Another letter records a visit with Pamela to a picture-gallery in St. Louis where was being exhibited Church's “Heart of the Andes.” He describes the picture in detail and with vast enthusiasm.

Another letter documents a visit with Pamela to an art gallery in St. Louis where Church's “Heart of the Andes” was being exhibited. He describes the painting in detail and with great enthusiasm.

“I have seen it several times,” he concludes, “but it is always a new picture—totally new—you seem to see nothing the second time that you saw the first.”

“I've seen it several times,” he concludes, “but it always feels like a brand new experience—completely new—you don't notice anything the second time that you saw the first.”

Further along he tells of having taken his mother and the girls—his cousin Ella Creel and another—for a trip down the river to New Orleans.

Further along, he mentions taking his mother and the girls—his cousin Ella Creel and another—for a trip down the river to New Orleans.

    Ma was delighted with her trip, but she was disgusted with the girls
    for allowing me to embrace and kiss them—and she was horrified at
    the 'schottische' as performed by Miss Castle and myself. She was
    perfectly willing for me to dance until 12 o'clock at the imminent
    peril of my going to sleep on the after-watch—but then she would
    top off with a very inconsistent sermon on dancing in general;
    ending with a terrific broadside aimed at that heresy of heresies,
    the 'schottische'.

    I took Ma and the girls in a carriage round that portion of New
    Orleans where the finest gardens and residences are to be seen, and,
    although it was a blazing hot, dusty day, they seemed hugely
    delighted. To use an expression which is commonly ignored in polite
    society, they were “hell-bent” on stealing some of the luscious-
    looking oranges from branches which overhung the fence, but I
    restrained them.
    Mom was thrilled with her trip, but she was really upset with the girls for letting me hug and kiss them—and she was shocked by the 'schottische' dance performed by Miss Castle and me. She was totally okay with me dancing until midnight, even if it meant I might fall asleep during the night watch—but then she would follow up with a really contradictory lecture on dancing in general; ending with a harsh critique aimed at the ultimate sin of dancing, the 'schottische'.

    I took Mom and the girls on a carriage ride through the part of New Orleans where you can see the nicest gardens and houses, and even though it was a scorching hot, dusty day, they seemed really happy. To use a phrase that is often overlooked in polite conversation, they were "hell-bent" on grabbing some of the delicious-looking oranges hanging over the fence, but I held them back.

In another letter of this period we get a hint of the future Mark Twain. It was written to John T. Moore, a young clerk on the John J. Roe.

In another letter from this time, we catch a glimpse of the future Mark Twain. It was addressed to John T. Moore, a young clerk on the John J. Roe.

    What a fool old Adam was. Had everything his own way; had succeeded
    in gaining the love of the best-looking girl in the neighborhood,
    but yet, unsatisfied with his conquest, he had to eat a miserable
    little apple. Ah, John, if you had been in his place you would not
    have eaten a mouthful of the apple—that is, if it had required any
    exertion. I have noticed that you shun exertion. There comes in
    the difference between us. I court exertion. I love work. Why,
    sir, when I have a piece of work to perform, I go away to myself,
    sit down in the shade, and muse over the coming enjoyment.
    Sometimes I am so industrious that I muse too long.
What a fool old Adam was. He had everything his way; he won the love of the prettiest girl in the neighborhood, but still, he was unsatisfied with his achievement and had to eat a miserable little apple. Ah, John, if you had been in his shoes, you wouldn't have taken a bite of the apple—that is, if it required any effort. I've noticed you avoid effort. That's where we differ. I embrace effort. I love working. You see, when I have a task to do, I go off by myself, sit in the shade, and think about the upcoming pleasure. Sometimes I'm so dedicated that I think for too long.

There remains another letter of this period—a sufficiently curious document. There was in those days a famous New Orleans clairvoyant known as Madame Caprell. Some of the young pilot's friends had visited her and obtained what seemed to be satisfying results. From time to time they had urged him to visit the fortune-teller, and one idle day he concluded to make the experiment. As soon as he came away he wrote to Orion in detail.

There’s another letter from this time—a pretty interesting document. Back then, there was a well-known clairvoyant in New Orleans named Madame Caprell. Some of the young pilot's friends had gone to see her and got what appeared to be promising results. Occasionally, they had pushed him to visit the fortune-teller, and one leisurely day he decided to give it a try. As soon as he left, he wrote to Orion with all the details.

    She's a very pleasant little lady—rather pretty—about 28—say
    5 feet 2 1/4—would weigh 116—has black eyes and hair—is polite
    and intelligent—used good language, and talks much faster than I
    do.

    She invited me into the little back parlor, closed the door; and we
    were alone. We sat down facing each other. Then she asked my age.
    Then she put her hands before her eyes a moment, and commenced
    talking as if she had a good deal to say and not much time to say it
    in. Something after this style:

    'Madame.' Yours is a watery planet; you gain your livelihood on the
    water; but you should have been a lawyer—there is where your
    talents lie; you might have distinguished yourself as an orator, or
    as an editor—, you have written a great deal; you write well—but
    you are rather out of practice; no matter—you will be in practice
    some day; you have a superb constitution, and as excellent health as
    any man in the world; you have great powers of endurance; in your
    profession your strength holds out against the longest sieges
    without flagging; still, the upper part of your lungs, the top of
    them, is slightly affected—you must take care of yourself; you do
    not drink, but you use entirely too much tobacco; and you must stop
    it; mind, not moderate, but stop the use of it, totally; then I can
    almost promise you 86, when you will surely die; otherwise, look out
    for 28, 31, 34, 47, and 65; be careful—for you are not of a long-
    lived race, that is, on your father's side; you are the only healthy
    member of your family, and the only one in it who has anything like
    the certainty of attaining to a great age—so, stop using tobacco,
    and be careful of yourself.... In some respects you take after your
    father, but you are much more like your mother, who belongs to the
    long-lived, energetic side of the house.... You never brought all
    your energies to bear upon any subject but what you accomplished it
    —for instance, you are self-made, self-educated.

    'S. L. C.' Which proves nothing.

    'Madame.' Don't interrupt. When you sought your present
    occupation, you found a thousand obstacles in your way—obstacles
    unknown—not even suspected by any save you and me, since you keep
    such matter to yourself—but you fought your way, and hid the long
    struggle under a mask of cheerfulness, which saved your friends
    anxiety on your account. To do all this requires the qualities
    which I have named.

    'S. L. C.' You flatter well, Madame.

    'Madame.' Don't interrupt. Up to within a short time you had
    always lived from hand to mouth—now you are in easy circumstances
    —for which you need give credit to no one but yourself. The
    turning-point in your life occurred in 1840-7-8.

    'S. L. C.' Which was?

    'Madame.' A death, perhaps, and this threw you upon the world and
    made you what you are; it was always intended that you should make
    yourself; therefore, it was well that this calamity occurred as
    early as it did. You will never die of water, although your career
    upon it in the future seems well sprinkled with misfortune. You
    will continue upon the water for some time yet; you will not retire
    finally until ten years from now.... What is your brother's age?
    23—and a lawyer? and in pursuit of an office? Well, he stands a
    better chance than the other two, and he may get it; he is too
    visionary—is always flying off on a new hobby; this will never do
    —tell him I said so. He is a good lawyer—a very good lawyer—and
    a fine speaker—is very popular and much respected, and makes many
    friends; but although he retains their friendship, he loses their
    confidence by displaying his instability of character.... The land
    he has now will be very valuable after a while——
    'S. L. C.' Say 250 years hence, or thereabouts, Madame——
    'Madame.' No—less time—but never mind the land, that is a
    secondary consideration—let him drop that for the present, and
    devote himself to his business and politics with all his might, for
    he must hold offices under Government....

    After a while you will possess a good deal of property—retire at
    the end of ten years—after which your pursuits will be literary
    —try the law—you will certainly succeed. I am done now. If you
    have any questions to ask—ask them freely—and if it be in my
    power, I will answer without reserve—without reserve.

    I asked a few questions of minor importance-paid her and left-under
    the decided impression that going to the fortune-teller's was just
    as good as going to the opera, and cost scarcely a trifle more
    —ergo, I will disguise myself and go again, one of these days, when
    other amusements fail. Now isn't she the devil? That is to say,
    isn't she a right smart little woman?

    When you want money, let Ma know, and she will send it. She and
    Pamela are always fussing about change, so I sent them a hundred and
    twenty quarters yesterday—fiddler's change enough to last till I
    get back, I reckon.
                                SAM.
She's a really nice lady—pretty too—about 28—around 5 feet 2¼—would weigh 116—has black eyes and hair—she's polite and smart—uses good language and talks way faster than I do.

She invited me into the small back parlor, closed the door; and we were alone. We sat down facing each other. Then she asked my age. She covered her eyes for a moment and started talking like she had a lot to say and not much time to say it. Something like this:

'Madam. You're on a watery planet; you make your living on the water; but you should have been a lawyer— that's where your talents lie; you could have stood out as an orator or an editor—you've written a lot; you write well—but you're a bit out of practice; no matter—you'll get back into it someday; you have a strong constitution and as good health as anyone else in the world; you have great endurance; in your profession, your strength lasts through the longest challenges without tiring; still, the upper part of your lungs, the top part, is slightly affected—you need to take care of yourself; you don’t drink but you use way too much tobacco; and you need to quit it; not cut back, but stop it completely; then I can almost promise you 86, when you'll surely die; otherwise, watch out for 28, 31, 34, 47, and 65; be careful—because you're not from a long-lived family, at least on your father's side; you're the only healthy one in your family, and the only one with a real shot at living to a great age—so, quit tobacco, and take care of yourself.... In some ways you take after your dad, but you're a lot more like your mom, who comes from the long-lived, energetic side of the family.... You've never focused all your energy on any subject without achieving it—for example, you’re self-made, self-educated.

'S. L. C.' Which proves nothing.

'Madam.' Don't interrupt. When you chose your current job, you faced a thousand obstacles—obstacles nobody else saw—not even suspected by anyone but you and me, since you keep that stuff to yourself—but you fought your way through, hiding the long struggle under a cheerful mask, which saved your friends from worrying about you. Doing all this requires the qualities I mentioned.

'S. L. C.' You compliment well, Madam.

'Madam.' Don't interrupt. Until recently, you always lived paycheck to paycheck—now you're financially comfortable—thanks to no one but yourself. The turning point in your life happened in 1840-7-8.

'S. L. C.' Which was?

'Madam.' A death, perhaps, that pushed you out into the world and made you who you are; it was always meant for you to become self-made; so, it was good that this misfortune happened when it did. You'll never die from water, even though your future on it seems to be sprinkled with bad luck. You'll stay on the water for a while yet; you won’t fully retire until ten years from now.... How old is your brother? 23—and a lawyer? and aiming for a position? Well, he has a better chance than the other two and he might get it; he’s too much of a dreamer—always chasing new hobbies; that won’t work—tell him I said so. He’s a good lawyer—a very good lawyer—and a great speaker—he's popular and well-respected, and makes a lot of friends; but while he keeps their friendship, he loses their trust by showing his instability.... The land he has now is going to be very valuable down the line—'S. L. C.' Say 250 years from now, or so, Madam—'Madam.' No—sooner than that—but never mind the land, that’s a side issue—let him put that on hold for now and focus on his business and politics as hard as he can, because he needs to hold government positions....

Soon, you'll own quite a bit of property—retire in ten years—after which you'll pursue literature—try law—you’ll definitely succeed. I’m done now. If you have any questions to ask—ask away—and if it’s in my power, I’ll answer without holding back—without holding back.

I asked a few less important questions—paid her and left—definitely thinking that going to the fortune-teller was just as good as going to the opera, and cost hardly any more—so I will disguise myself and go again someday when other activities fall short. Now isn't she something? That is to say, isn't she a really impressive little woman?

When you need money, let Ma know, and she’ll send it. She and Pamela are always arguing about change, so I sent them a hundred and twenty quarters yesterday—plenty of change to last till I get back, I guess.
                                SAM.

In the light of preceding and subsequent events, we must confess that Madame Caprell was “indeed a right smart little woman.” She made mistakes enough (the letter is not quoted in full), but when we remember that she not only gave his profession at the moment, but at least suggested his career for the future; that she approximated the year of his father's death as the time when he was thrown upon the world; that she admonished him against his besetting habit, tobacco; that she read. minutely not only his characteristics, but his brother Orion's; that she outlined the struggle in his conquest of the river; that she seemingly had knowledge of Orion's legal bent and his connection with the Tennessee land, all seems remarkable enough, supposing, of course, she had no material means of acquiring knowledge—one can never know certainly about such things.

Considering the events that came before and after, we have to admit that Madame Caprell was “truly a clever little woman.” She made plenty of mistakes (the letter isn't quoted in full), but when we think about how she not only stated his current profession but also hinted at his future career; how she roughly estimated the year of his father's death as the time when he had to fend for himself; how she warned him about his weakness for tobacco; how she accurately described not only his traits but also those of his brother Orion; how she outlined his challenges in conquering the river; and how she seemed to know about Orion’s legal interests and his involvement with the Tennessee land, it all seems pretty impressive—assuming, of course, she had no real way of obtaining that knowledge—one can never be completely sure about such things.





XXIX. THE END OF PILOTING

It is curious, however, that Madame Caprell, with clairvoyant vision, should not have seen an important event then scarcely more than two months distant: the breaking-out of the Civil War, with the closing of the river and the end of Mark Twain's career as a pilot. Perhaps these things were so near as to be “this side” the range of second sight.

It's strange, though, that Madame Caprell, with her psychic abilities, didn't foresee a significant event that was just over two months away: the start of the Civil War, which would block the river and end Mark Twain's career as a pilot. Maybe these events were so close that they were out of the range of her intuition.

There had been plenty of war-talk, but few of the pilots believed that war was really coming. Traveling that great commercial highway, the river, with intercourse both of North and South, they did not believe that any political differences would be allowed to interfere with the nation's trade, or would be settled otherwise than on the street corners, in the halls of legislation, and at the polls. True, several States, including Louisiana, had declared the Union a failure and seceded; but the majority of opinions were not clear as to how far a State had rights in such a matter, or as to what the real meaning of secession might be. Comparatively few believed it meant war. Samuel Clemens had no such belief. His Madame Caprell letter bears date of February 6, 1861, yet contains no mention of war or of any special excitement in New Orleans—no forebodings as to national conditions.

There had been a lot of talk about war, but not many of the pilots thought it would actually happen. Traveling along that major trade route, the river, connecting both the North and the South, they didn’t think any political disagreements would disrupt the nation’s trade or would be resolved any other way than through discussions on street corners, in legislative halls, and at the polls. It's true that several states, including Louisiana, had declared the Union a failure and seceded; however, most opinions were unclear about how much rights a state had in such matters or what secession really meant. Only a few believed it would lead to war. Samuel Clemens didn’t share that belief. His Madame Caprell letter is dated February 6, 1861, yet it doesn’t mention war or any particular excitement in New Orleans—no concerns about the state of the nation.

Such things came soon enough: President Lincoln was inaugurated on the 4th of March, and six weeks later Fort Sumter was fired upon. Men began to speak out then and to take sides.

Such things happened quickly: President Lincoln was inaugurated on March 4th, and six weeks later, Fort Sumter was attacked. People started to voice their opinions and choose sides.

It was a momentous time in the Association Rooms. There were pilots who would go with the Union; there were others who would go with the Confederacy. Horace Bixby was one of the former, and in due time became chief of the Union River Service. Another pilot named Montgomery (Samuel Clemens had once steered for him) declared for the South, and later commanded the Confederate Mississippi fleet. They were all good friends, and their discussions, though warm, were not always acrimonious; but they took sides.

It was a significant time in the Association Rooms. Some pilots chose to support the Union, while others sided with the Confederacy. Horace Bixby was one of those who joined the Union and eventually became chief of the Union River Service. Another pilot named Montgomery, for whom Samuel Clemens had once worked, opted for the South and later led the Confederate Mississippi fleet. They were all good friends, and their debates, though intense, were not always hostile; still, they picked sides.

A good many were not very clear as to their opinions. Living both North and South as they did, they saw various phases of the question and divided their sympathies. Some were of one conviction one day and of another the next. Samuel Clemens was of the less radical element. He knew there was a good deal to be said for either cause; furthermore, he was not then bloodthirsty. A pilot-house with its elevated position and transparency seemed a poor place to be in when fighting was going on.

A lot of people weren’t very clear about their opinions. Living in both the North and the South, they saw different sides of the issue and split their support. Some felt one way one day and another way the next. Samuel Clemens leaned towards the less extreme viewpoint. He recognized that there were valid arguments for both sides; additionally, he wasn’t feeling particularly aggressive at that time. The pilot house, with its high vantage point and openness, didn’t seem like a safe place to be during a fight.

“I'll think about it,” he said. “I'm not very anxious to get up into a glass perch and be shot at by either side. I'll go home and reflect on the matter.”

"I'll consider it," he said. "I'm not really eager to get into a glass tower and be shot at by either side. I'll head home and think about it."

He did not realize it, but he had made his last trip as a pilot. It is rather curious that his final brief note-book entry should begin with his future nom de plume—a memorandum of soundings—“mark twain,” and should end with the words “no lead.”

He didn’t know it, but he had taken his last trip as a pilot. It’s interesting that his final short notebook entry started with his future pen name—a note about depths—“mark twain,” and ended with the words “no lead.”

He went up the river as a passenger on a steamer named the Uncle Sam. Zeb Leavenworth was one of the pilots, and Sam Clemens usually stood watch with him. They heard war-talk all the way and saw preparations, but they were not molested, though at Memphis they basely escaped the blockade. At Cairo, Illinois, they saw soldiers drilling—troops later commanded by Grant. The Uncle Sam came steaming up toward St. Louis, those on board congratulating themselves on having come through unscathed. They were not quite through, however. Abreast of Jefferson Barracks they suddenly heard the boom of a cannon and saw a great whorl of smoke drifting in their direction. They did not realize that it was a signal—a thunderous halt—and kept straight on. Less than a minute later there was another boom, and a shell exploded directly in front of the pilot-house, breaking a lot of glass and destroying a good deal of the upper decoration. Zeb Leavenworth fell back into a corner with a yell.

He went up the river as a passenger on a steamboat called the Uncle Sam. Zeb Leavenworth was one of the pilots, and Sam Clemens usually kept watch with him. They heard talk of war all the way and saw preparations, but they weren't bothered, although they narrowly escaped the blockade at Memphis. In Cairo, Illinois, they saw soldiers training—troops that would later be led by Grant. The Uncle Sam steamed toward St. Louis, with those on board congratulating themselves on getting through safely. They weren’t completely in the clear, though. Parallel to Jefferson Barracks, they suddenly heard the boom of a cannon and saw a large cloud of smoke drifting toward them. They didn’t realize it was a signal—a thunderous stop—and continued on. Less than a minute later, there was another boom, and a shell exploded right in front of the pilot house, shattering a lot of glass and ruining some of the upper decorations. Zeb Leavenworth fell back into a corner with a yell.

“Good Lord Almighty! Sam;” he said, “what do they mean by that?”

“Good Lord Almighty! Sam,” he said, “what do they mean by that?”

Clemens stepped to the wheel and brought the boat around. “I guess they want us to wait a minute, Zeb,” he said.

Clemens moved to the wheel and turned the boat around. “I think they want us to wait a minute, Zeb,” he said.

They were examined and passed. It was the last steamboat to make the trip from New Orleans to St. Louis. Mark Twain's pilot-days were over. He would have grieved had he known this fact.

They were checked and approved. It was the final steamboat to travel from New Orleans to St. Louis. Mark Twain's days as a pilot were done. He would have been upset if he had known this.

“I loved the profession far better than any I have followed since,” he long afterward declared, “and I took a measureless pride in it.”

“I loved the profession way more than any I’ve had since,” he declared much later, “and I took immense pride in it.”

The dreamy, easy, romantic existence suited him exactly. A sovereign and an autocrat, the pilot's word was law; he wore his responsibilities as a crown. As long as he lived Samuel Clemens would return to those old days with fondness and affection, and with regret that they were no more.

The dreamy, laid-back, romantic life fit him perfectly. As the ruler and boss, the pilot's word was final; he embraced his responsibilities like a crown. As long as he lived, Samuel Clemens would look back on those old days with warmth and love, along with a sense of regret that they were gone.





XXX. THE SOLDIER

Clemens spent a few days in St. Louis (in retirement, for there was a pressing war demand for Mississippi pilots), then went up to Hannibal to visit old friends. They were glad enough to see him, and invited him to join a company of gay military enthusiasts who were organizing to “help Gov. 'Claib' Jackson repel the invader.” A good many companies were forming in and about Hannibal, and sometimes purposes were conflicting and badly mixed. Some of the volunteers did not know for a time which invader they intended to drive from Missouri soil, and more than one company in the beginning was made up of young fellows whose chief ambition was to have a lark regardless as to which cause they might eventually espouse. —[The military organizations of Hannibal and Palmyra, in 1861, were as follows: The Marion Artillery; the Silver Grays; Palmyra Guards; the W. E. Dennis company, and one or two others. Most of them were small private affairs, usually composed of about half-and-half Union and Confederate men, who knew almost nothing of the questions or conditions, and disbanded in a brief time, to attach themselves to the regular service according as they developed convictions. The general idea of these companies was a little camping-out expedition and a good time. One such company one morning received unexpected reinforcements. They saw the approach of the recruits, and, remarking how well drilled the new arrivals seemed to be, mistook them for the enemy and fled.]

Clemens spent a few days in St. Louis (in retirement, since there was a strong demand for Mississippi pilots due to the war), then traveled to Hannibal to catch up with old friends. They were happy to see him and invited him to join a group of enthusiastic military members who were forming to “help Gov. 'Claib' Jackson repel the invader.” Many companies were being organized in and around Hannibal, and sometimes their goals were unclear and mixed up. Some of the volunteers were unsure for a while about which invader they actually intended to drive away from Missouri, and more than one company initially consisted of young men whose main goal was to have some fun, regardless of which side they ultimately supported. —[The military organizations of Hannibal and Palmyra, in 1861, were as follows: The Marion Artillery; the Silver Grays; Palmyra Guards; the W. E. Dennis company, and one or two others. Most of them were small private groups, usually made up of about half Union and half Confederate members, who knew very little about the issues or circumstances, and disbanded quickly to join the regular service as they formed their beliefs. The main idea behind these companies was to enjoy a little camping trip and have a good time. One such group, one morning, unexpectedly received new recruits. They saw the new individuals approaching and, noticing how well-trained they seemed, mistook them for the enemy and ran away.]

Samuel Clemens had by this time decided, like Lee, that he would go with his State and lead battalions to victory. The “battalion” in this instance consisted of a little squad of young fellows of his own age, mostly pilots and schoolmates, including Sam Bowen, Ed Stevens, and Ab Grimes, about a dozen, all told. They organized secretly, for the Union militia was likely to come over from Illinois any time and look up any suspicious armies that made an open demonstration. An army might lose enthusiasm and prestige if it spent a night or two in the calaboose.

Samuel Clemens had by this time decided, like Lee, that he would align with his State and lead troops to victory. The “battalion” here was actually a small group of young guys his age, mostly pilots and classmates, including Sam Bowen, Ed Stevens, and Ab Grimes, totaling about a dozen. They organized in secret because the Union militia could come over from Illinois at any moment and investigate any suspicious armies that made a public display. An army could lose enthusiasm and respect if it ended up spending a night or two in jail.

So they met in a secret place above Bear Creek Hill, just as Tom Sawyer's red-handed bandits had gathered so long before (a good many of them were of the same lawless lot), and they planned how they would sell their lives on the field of glory, just as Tom Sawyer's band might have done if it had thought about playing “War,” instead of “Indian” and “Pirate” and “Bandit” with fierce raids on peach orchards and melon patches. Then, on the evening before marching away, they stealthily called on their sweethearts—those who had them did, and the others pretended sweethearts for the occasion—and when it was dark and mysterious they said good-by and suggested that maybe those girls would never see them again. And as always happens in such a case, some of them were in earnest, and two or three of the little group that slipped away that night never did come back, and somewhere sleep in unmarked graves.

So they met in a secret spot above Bear Creek Hill, just like Tom Sawyer's red-handed gang had gathered long ago (many of them were from the same rowdy crowd), and they planned how they would give their lives on the field of honor, just as Tom Sawyer's crew might have if they had considered playing “War” instead of “Indian” and “Pirate” and “Bandit” with their fierce raids on peach orchards and melon patches. Then, the night before they marched away, they quietly visited their girlfriends—those who had them did, and the others pretended to have girlfriends for the occasion—and when it got dark and mysterious, they said goodbye and hinted that maybe those girls would never see them again. And just like always in situations like this, some of them were serious, and two or three of the little group that slipped away that night never came back, and somewhere they sleep in unmarked graves.

The “two Sams”—Sam Bowen and Sam Clemens—called on Patty Gore and Julia Willis for their good-by visit, and, when they left, invited the girls to “walk through the pickets” with them, which they did as far as Bear Creek Hill. The girls didn't notice any pickets, because the pickets were away calling on girls, too, and probably wouldn't be back to begin picketing for some time. So the girls stood there and watched the soldiers march up Bear Creek Hill and disappear among the trees.

The "two Sams"—Sam Bowen and Sam Clemens—visited Patty Gore and Julia Willis for their farewell gathering, and when they left, they invited the girls to "walk through the pickets" with them, which they did as far as Bear Creek Hill. The girls didn’t see any pickets because the pickets were out visiting girls as well and probably wouldn’t return to start picketing for a while. So the girls stood there and watched the soldiers march up Bear Creek Hill and vanish among the trees.

The army had a good enough time that night, marching through the brush and vines toward New London, though this sort of thing grew rather monotonous by morning. When they took a look at themselves by daylight, with their nondescript dress and accoutrements, there was some thing about it all which appealed to one's sense of humor rather than to his patriotism. Colonel Ralls, of Ralls County, however, received them cordially and made life happier for them with a good breakfast and some encouraging words. He was authorized to administer the oath of office, he said, and he proceeded to do it, and made them a speech besides; also he sent out notice to some of the neighbors—to Col. Bill Splawn, Farmer Nuck Matson, and others—that the community had an army on its hands and perhaps ought to do something for it. This brought in a number of contributions, provisions, paraphernalia, and certain superfluous horses and mules, which converted the battalion into a cavalry, and made it possible for it to move on to the front without further delay. Samuel Clemens, mounted on a small yellow mule whose tail had been trimmed down to a tassel at the end in a style that suggested his name, Paint Brush, upholstered and supplemented with an extra pair of cowskin boots, a pair of gray blankets, a home-made quilt, frying-pan, a carpet sack, a small valise, an overcoat, an old-fashioned Kentucky rifle, twenty yards of rope, and an umbrella, was a representative unit of the brigade. The proper thing for an army loaded like that was to go into camp, and they did it. They went over on Salt River, near Florida, and camped not far from a farm-house with a big log stable; the latter they used as headquarters. Somebody suggested that when they went into battle they ought to have short hair, so that in a hand-to-hand conflict the enemy could not get hold of it. Tom Lyon found a pair of sheep-shears in the stable and acted as barber. They were not very sharp shears, but the army stood the torture for glory in the field, and a group of little darkies collected from the farm-house to enjoy the performance. The army then elected its officers. William Ely was chosen captain, with Asa Glasscock as first lieutenant. Samuel Clemens was then voted second lieutenant, and there were sergeants and orderlies. There were only three privates when the election was over, and these could not be distinguished by their deportment. There was scarcely any discipline in this army.

The army had a decent time that night, marching through the underbrush and vines toward New London, even though it got pretty monotonous by morning. When they looked at themselves in the daylight, with their plain clothes and gear, it was more funny than patriotic. Colonel Ralls from Ralls County welcomed them warmly and made their day brighter with a hearty breakfast and some encouraging words. He mentioned that he was authorized to administer the oath of office, and he went ahead and did just that, giving a speech as well. He also notified some locals—Col. Bill Splawn, Farmer Nuck Matson, and a few others—that the community had an army to take care of and might want to pitch in. This led to a number of contributions, including provisions, supplies, and some extra horses and mules, which turned the battalion into a cavalry unit, allowing them to head to the front without delay. Samuel Clemens, riding a small yellow mule with a tail trimmed to a tassel that fit its name, Paint Brush, along with an extra pair of cowskin boots, a couple of gray blankets, a homemade quilt, a frying pan, a carpet sack, a small suitcase, an overcoat, an old Kentucky rifle, twenty yards of rope, and an umbrella, represented a typical unit of the brigade. Given that the army was loaded like that, the sensible thing was to go into camp, and that's exactly what they did. They set up near Salt River, not far from a farmhouse with a large log stable, which they used as headquarters. Someone suggested that when they went into battle, they should have short hair so the enemy couldn't grab it in close combat. Tom Lyon found a pair of sheep shears in the stable and acted as the barber. The shears weren't very sharp, but the army endured the pain for glory, and a group of little kids from the farmhouse gathered to watch the show. The army then held elections for officers. William Ely was chosen as captain, with Asa Glasscock as first lieutenant. Samuel Clemens was voted in as second lieutenant, along with a few sergeants and orderlies. After the election, there were only three privates left, and they couldn’t be picked out by their behavior. There was hardly any discipline in this army.

Then it set in to rain. It rained by day and it rained by night. Salt River rose until it was bank full and overflowed the bottoms. Twice there was a false night alarm of the enemy approaching, and the battalion went slopping through the mud and brush into the dark, picking out the best way to retreat, plodding miserably back to camp when the alarm was over. Once they fired a volley at a row of mullen stalks, waving on the brow of a hill, and once a picket shot at his own horse that had got loose and had wandered toward him in the dusk.

Then it started to rain. It rained during the day and it rained at night. Salt River rose until it completely overflowed its banks. There were two false alarms at night about the enemy approaching, and the battalion waded through the mud and brush into the dark, trying to find the best way to retreat, trudging back to camp when the alarm was over. Once, they fired a volley at a row of mullen stalks swaying on the hilltop, and another time, a sentry shot at his own horse that had gotten loose and was wandering toward him in the fading light.

The rank and file did not care for picket duty. Sam Bowen—ordered by Lieutenant Clemens to go on guard one afternoon—denounced his superior and had to be threatened with court-martial and death. Sam went finally, but he sat in a hot open place and swore at the battalion and the war in general, and finally went to sleep in the broiling sun. These things began to tell on patriotism. Presently Lieutenant Clemens developed a boil, and was obliged to make himself comfortable with some hay in a horse-trough, where he lay most of the day, violently denouncing the war and the fools that invented it. Then word came that “General” Tom Harris, who was in command of the district, was stopping at a farmhouse two miles away, living on the fat of the land.

The regular troops weren’t keen on picket duty. Sam Bowen—ordered by Lieutenant Clemens to guard one afternoon—bad-mouthed his superior and had to be threatened with court-martial and death. Sam finally went, but he sat in a hot, exposed spot and cursed the battalion and the war in general, eventually dozing off in the sweltering sun. These things began to wear down their patriotism. Soon enough, Lieutenant Clemens developed a boil and had to make himself comfortable with some hay in a horse trough, where he spent most of the day angrily denouncing the war and the idiots who started it. Then news arrived that “General” Tom Harris, who was in charge of the district, was staying at a farmhouse two miles away, enjoying the good life.

That settled it. Most of them knew Tom Harris, and they regarded his neglect of them as perfidy. They broke camp without further ceremony.

That was it. Most of them knew Tom Harris, and they saw his neglect as a betrayal. They packed up their camp without any more fuss.

Lieutenant Clemens needed assistance to mount Paint Brush, and the little mule refused to cross the river; so Ab Grimes took the coil of rope, hitched one end of it to his own saddle and the other end to Paint Brush's neck. Grimes was mounted on a big horse, and when he started it was necessary for Paint Brush to follow. Arriving at the farther bank, Grimes looked around, and was horrified to see that the end of the rope led down in the water with no horse and rider in view. He spurred up the bank, and the hat of Lieutenant Clemens and the ears of Paint Brush appeared.

Lieutenant Clemens needed help getting on Paint Brush, and the little mule wouldn’t cross the river, so Ab Grimes took a coil of rope, tied one end to his own saddle and the other end to Paint Brush's neck. Grimes was riding a big horse, and when he started, Paint Brush had to follow. When they reached the other side, Grimes looked around and was shocked to see that the rope was in the water with no horse or rider in sight. He urged his horse up the bank, and soon Clement's hat and Paint Brush's ears came into view.

“Ah,” said Clemens, as he mopped his face, “do you know that little devil waded all the way across?”

“Ah,” said Clemens, wiping his face, “do you know that little troublemaker waded all the way across?”

A little beyond the river they met General Harris, who ordered them back to camp. They admonished him to “go there himself.” They said they had been in that camp and knew all about it. They were going now where there was food—real food and plenty of it. Then he begged them, but it was no use. By and by they stopped at a farm-house for supplies. A tall, bony woman came to the door:

A little past the river, they ran into General Harris, who told them to head back to camp. They urged him to "go there himself." They insisted they had already been in that camp and knew everything about it. They were on their way to where there was food—real food and plenty of it. Then he pleaded with them, but it was pointless. Eventually, they stopped at a farmhouse for supplies. A tall, thin woman came to the door:

“You're secesh, ain't you?”

"You're a rebel, aren't you?"

They acknowledged that they were defenders of the cause and that they wanted to buy provisions. The request seemed to inflame her.

They recognized that they were supporters of the cause and that they wanted to purchase supplies. The request seemed to upset her.

“Provisions!” she screamed. “Provisions for secesh, and my husband a colonel in the Union Army. You get out of here!”

“Supplies!” she yelled. “Supplies for the Confederates, and my husband is a colonel in the Union Army. Get out of here!”

She reached for a hickory hoop-pole that stood by the door, and the army moved on. When they arrived at Col. Bill Splawn's that night Colonel Splawn and his family had gone to bed, and it seemed unwise to disturb them. The hungry army camped in the barnyard and crept into the hay-loft to sleep. Presently somebody yelled “Fire!” One of the boys had been smoking and started the hay. Lieutenant Clemens suddenly wakened, made a quick rolling movement from the blaze, and rolled out of a big hay-window into the barnyard below. The rest of the army, startled into action, seized the burning hay and pitched it out of the same window. The lieutenant had sprained his ankle when he struck the ground, and his boil was far from well, but when the burning hay descended he forgot his disabilities. Literally and figuratively this was the final straw. With a voice and vigor suited to the urgencies of the case, he made a spring from under the burning stuff, flung off the remnants, and with them his last vestige of interest in the war. The others, now that the fire was, out, seemed to think the incident boisterously amusing. Whereupon the lieutenant rose up and told them, collectively and individually, what he thought of them; also he spoke of the war and the Confederacy, and of the human race at large. They helped him in, then, for his ankle was swelling badly. Next morning, when Colonel Splawn had given them a good breakfast, the army set out for New London.

She grabbed a hickory hoop-pole that was by the door, and the army moved on. When they got to Col. Bill Splawn's that night, Colonel Splawn and his family had already gone to bed, so it seemed unwise to wake them up. The hungry army set up camp in the barnyard and climbed into the hay-loft to sleep. Suddenly, someone yelled “Fire!” One of the boys had been smoking and ignited the hay. Lieutenant Clemens was jolted awake, quickly rolled away from the flames, and tumbled out of a big hay-window into the barnyard below. The rest of the army, startled into action, grabbed the burning hay and threw it out the same window. The lieutenant had sprained his ankle when he hit the ground, and his boil was still bothering him, but when the burning hay fell, he forgot all about his aches. Literally and figuratively, this was the last straw. Using a voice and energy suited for the situation, he sprang out from under the burning hay, tossed off the remnants, and with them, his last bit of interest in the war. The others, now that the fire was out, found the whole thing pretty funny. Then the lieutenant stood up and told them, both as a group and individually, what he thought of them; he also spoke about the war, the Confederacy, and humanity in general. They helped him inside because his ankle was swelling badly. The next morning, after Colonel Splawn treated them to a hearty breakfast, the army set out for New London.

But Lieutenant Clemens never got any farther than Nuck Matson's farm-house. His ankle was so painful by that time that Mrs. Matson had him put to bed, where he stayed for several weeks, recovering from the injury and stress of war. A little negro boy was kept on watch for Union detachments—they were passing pretty frequently now—and when one came in sight the lieutenant was secluded until the danger passed. When he was able to travel, he had had enough of war and the Confederacy. He decided to visit Orion in Keokuk. Orion was a Union abolitionist and might lead him to mend his doctrines.

But Lieutenant Clemens never made it past Nuck Matson's farmhouse. His ankle was so painful by then that Mrs. Matson had him go to bed, where he stayed for several weeks, recovering from the injury and the stress of war. A young Black boy was kept on watch for Union patrols—they were coming by pretty regularly now—and when one came into view, the lieutenant was tucked away until the danger passed. By the time he was able to travel, he had seen enough of war and the Confederacy. He decided to visit Orion in Keokuk. Orion was a Union abolitionist and might help him rethink his beliefs.

As for the rest of the army, it was no longer a unit in the field. Its members had drifted this way and that, some to return to their occupations, some to continue in the trade of war. Sam Bowen is said to have been caught by the Federal troops and put to sawing wood in the stockade at Hannibal. Ab (A. C.) Grimes became a noted Confederate spy and is still among those who have lived to furnish the details here set down. Properly officered and disciplined, that detachment would have made as brave soldiers as any. Military effectiveness is a matter of leaders and tactics.

As for the rest of the army, it was no longer functioning as a unit. Its members had scattered, with some going back to their regular jobs and others staying in the business of fighting. Sam Bowen was reportedly captured by Union soldiers and forced to saw wood in the stockade at Hannibal. Ab (A. C.) Grimes became a well-known Confederate spy and is still around to provide the details shared here. With the right officers and training, that group could have been as brave as any soldiers. Military success depends on leadership and strategy.

Mark Twain's own Private History of a 'Campaign that Failed' is, of course, built on this episode. He gives us a delicious account, even if it does not strikingly resemble the occurrence. The story might have been still better if he had not introduced the shooting of the soldier in the dark. The incident was invented, of course, to present the real horror of war, but it seems incongruous in this burlesque campaign, and, to some extent at least, it missed fire in its intention. —[In a book recently published, Mark Twain's “nephew” is quoted as authority for the statement that Mark Twain was detailed for river duty, captured, and paroled, captured again, and confined in a tobacco-warehouse in St. Louis, etc. Mark Twain had but one nephew: Samuel E. Moffett, whose Biographical Sketch (vol. xxii, Mark Twain's Works) contains no such statement; and nothing of the sort occurred.]

Mark Twain's Private History of a 'Campaign that Failed' is, of course, based on this event. He gives us an entertaining account, even if it doesn't quite match what actually happened. The story could have been even better if he hadn't added the scene where a soldier gets shot in the dark. That incident was made up, obviously, to show the real horror of war, but it feels out of place in this comedic campaign, and, at least to some extent, it misses its mark. —[In a recently published book, Mark Twain's “nephew” is cited as an authority for the claim that Mark Twain was assigned to river duty, captured, and paroled, then captured again and held in a tobacco warehouse in St. Louis, etc. Mark Twain only had one nephew: Samuel E. Moffett, whose Biographical Sketch (vol. xxii, Mark Twain's Works) contains no such statement; and nothing like that ever happened.]





XXXI. OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY

When Madame Caprell prophesied that Orion Clemens would hold office under government, she must have seen with true clairvoyant vision. The inauguration of Abraham Lincoln brought Edward Bates into his Cabinet, and Bates was Orion's friend. Orion applied for something, and got it. James W. Nye had been appointed Territorial governor of Nevada, and Orion was made Territorial secretary. You could strain a point and refer to the office as “secretary of state,” which was an imposing title. Furthermore, the secretary would be acting governor in the governor's absence, and there would be various subsidiary honors. When Lieutenant Clemens arrived in Keokuk, Orion was in the first flush of his triumph and needed only money to carry him to the scene of new endeavor. The late lieutenant C. S. A. had accumulated money out of his pilot salary, and there was no comfortable place just then in the active Middle West for an officer of either army who had voluntarily retired from the service. He agreed that if Orion would overlook his recent brief defection from the Union and appoint him now as his (Orion's) secretary, he would supply the funds for both overland passages, and they would start with no unnecessary delay for a country so new that all human beings, regardless of previous affiliations and convictions, were flung into the common fusing-pot and recast in the general mold of pioneer.

When Madame Caprell predicted that Orion Clemens would work in government, she must have had some serious insight. The inauguration of Abraham Lincoln brought Edward Bates into his Cabinet, and Bates was Orion's friend. Orion applied for a position and got it. James W. Nye was appointed as the Territorial governor of Nevada, and Orion became the Territorial secretary. You could stretch things a bit and call the office “secretary of state,” which sounded impressive. Plus, the secretary would act as governor in the absence of the governor, and there would be a variety of additional honors. When Lieutenant Clemens arrived in Keokuk, Orion was riding high on his success and only needed money to get to his new job. The recently retired lieutenant from the C.S.A. had saved up money from his pilot salary, and there wasn't a comfortable spot in the active Middle West for any officer who had voluntarily left the service. He agreed that if Orion would overlook his recent brief departure from the Union and make him Orion's secretary, he would cover the costs for both of their trips, and they would leave without delay for a place so new that all people, no matter their previous loyalties and beliefs, were thrown together and reshaped in the shared experience of pioneer life.

The offer was a boon to Orion. He was always eager to forgive, and the money was vitally necessary. In the briefest possible time he had packed his belongings, which included a large unabridged dictionary, and the brothers were on their way to St. Louis for final leave-taking before setting out for the great mysterious land of promise—the Pacific West. From St. Louis they took the boat for St. Jo, whence the Overland stage started, and for six days “plodded” up the shallow, muddy, snaggy Missouri, a new experience for the pilot of the Father of Waters.

The offer was a great opportunity for Orion. He was always quick to forgive, and the money was crucial. In no time at all, he packed his things, including a large unabridged dictionary, and the brothers were headed to St. Louis for a final goodbye before embarking on their journey to the great unknown—the Pacific West. From St. Louis, they took a boat to St. Jo, where the Overland stage began, and for six days they "trudged" up the shallow, muddy, snag-filled Missouri, a new experience for the pilot of the Father of Waters.

    In fact, the boat might almost as well have gone to St. Jo by land,
    for she was walking most of the time, anyhow—climbing over reefs
    and clambering over snags patiently and laboriously all day long.
    The captain said she was a “bully” boat, and all she wanted was some
    “shear” and a bigger wheel. I thought she wanted a pair of stilts,
    but I had the deep sagacity not to say so.'—['Roughing It'.]—
In fact, the boat might as well have gone to St. Jo by land, since she was mostly walking anyway—climbing over reefs and scrambling over snags patiently and laboriously all day long. The captain said she was a "great" boat, and all she needed was some "shear" and a bigger wheel. I thought she needed a pair of stilts, but I had the wisdom not to say that.

At St. Jo they paid one hundred and fifty dollars apiece for their stage fare (with something extra for the dictionary), and on the twenty-sixth of July, 1861, set out on that long, delightful trip behind sixteen galloping horses—or mules—never stopping except for meals or to change teams, heading steadily into the sunset, following it from horizon to horizon over the billowy plains, across the snow-clad Rockies, covering the seventeen hundred miles between St. Jo and Carson City (including a two-day halt in Salt Lake City) in nineteen glorious days. What an inspiration in such a trip! In 'Roughing It' he tells it all, and says: “Even at this day it thrills me through and through to think of the life, the gladness, and the wild sense of freedom that used to make the blood dance in my face on those fine Overland mornings.”

At St. Jo, they paid one hundred fifty dollars each for their stage tickets (with a little extra for the dictionary), and on July 26, 1861, they embarked on that long, amazing journey behind sixteen galloping horses—or mules—only stopping for meals or to switch teams, moving steadily into the sunset, following it from horizon to horizon over the rolling plains, across the snow-covered Rockies, and covering the seventeen hundred miles between St. Jo and Carson City (including a two-day stop in Salt Lake City) in nineteen unforgettable days. What an inspiring trip! In 'Roughing It,' he shares everything and says: “Even to this day, it fills me with excitement to think of the life, the joy, and the wild sense of freedom that used to make my blood race on those beautiful Overland mornings.”

The nights, with the uneven mail-bags for a bed and the bounding dictionary for company, were less exhilarating; but then youth does not mind.

The nights, with the lumpy mail bags for a bed and a bouncing dictionary for company, weren't as exciting; but youth doesn't care.

    All things being now ready, stowed the uneasy dictionary where it
    would lie as quiet as possible, and placed the water-canteen and
    pistols where we could find them in the dark. Then we smoked a
    final pipe and swapped a final yarn; after which we put the pipes,
    tobacco, and bag of coin in snug holes and caves among the mail-
    bags, and made the place as dark as the inside of a cow, as the
    conductor phrased it in his picturesque way. It was certainly as
    dark as any place could be—nothing was even dimly visible in it.
    And finally we rolled ourselves up like silkworms, each person in
    his own blanket, and sank peacefully to sleep.
All things being ready now, we tucked away the uncomfortable dictionary where it would stay as quiet as possible, and put the water canteen and pistols in a spot we could find in the dark. Then we had one last smoke and exchanged one final story; after that, we stashed the pipes, tobacco, and bag of coins in snug spots among the mail bags, making the place as dark as the inside of a cow, as the conductor put it in his colorful way. It was definitely as dark as it could get—nothing was even slightly visible. Finally, we wrapped ourselves up like silkworms, each in our own blanket, and drifted peacefully to sleep.

Youth loves that sort of thing, despite its inconvenience. And sometimes the clatter of the pony-rider swept by in the night, carrying letters at five dollars apiece and making the Overland trip in eight days; just a quick beat of hoofs in the distance, a dash, and a hail from the darkness, the beat of hoofs again, then only the rumble of the stage and the even, swinging gallop of the mules. Sometimes they got a glimpse of the ponyrider by day—a flash, as it were, as he sped by. And every morning brought new scenery, new phases of frontier life, including, at last, what was to them the strangest phase of all, Mormonism.

Young people are into that kind of thing, even if it’s a hassle. And sometimes the sound of the pony rider rushing by at night, delivering letters for five dollars each and completing the Overland journey in eight days, would be heard—a quick beat of hooves in the distance, a dash, and a shout from the darkness, then just the rumble of the stagecoach and the steady gallop of the mules. Occasionally, they caught a glimpse of the pony rider during the day—a flash, so to speak, as he zipped past. Each morning brought fresh scenery and new aspects of frontier life, including what ultimately became the most intriguing aspect to them: Mormonism.

They spent two wonderful days at Salt Lake City, that mysterious and remote capital of the great American monarchy, who still flaunts her lawless, orthodox creed the religion of David and Solomon—and thrives. An obliging official made it his business to show them the city and the life there, the result of which would be those amusing chapters in 'Roughing It' by and by. The Overland travelers set out refreshed from Salt Lake City, and with a new supply of delicacies—ham, eggs, and tobacco—things that make such a trip worth while. The author of 'Roughing It' assures us of this:

They spent two amazing days in Salt Lake City, that intriguing and remote capital of the great American monarchy, which still shows off its lawless, traditional beliefs—the religion of David and Solomon—and continues to thrive. A helpful official took the time to show them around the city and its life, which would later inspire those entertaining chapters in 'Roughing It.' The Overland travelers left Salt Lake City feeling refreshed and stocked up with treats—ham, eggs, and tobacco—things that make such a journey worthwhile. The author of 'Roughing It' confirms this:

    Nothing helps scenery like ham and eggs. Ham and eggs, and after
    these a pipe—an old, rank, delicious pipe—ham and eggs and
    scenery, a “down-grade,” a flying coach, a fragrant pipe, and a
    contented heart—these make happiness. It is what all the ages have
    struggled for.
    Nothing enhances a view like ham and eggs. Ham and eggs, and then a pipe—an old, fragrant, delicious pipe—ham and eggs and scenery, a “downhill ride,” a fast coach, a sweet-smelling pipe, and a satisfied heart—these create happiness. This is what everyone throughout history has sought after.

But one must read all the story of that long-ago trip. It was a trip so well worth taking, so well worth recording, so well worth reading and rereading to-day. We can only read of it now. The Overland stage long ago made its last trip, and will not start any more. Even if it did, the life and conditions, the very scenery itself, would not be the same.

But you have to read the whole story of that long-ago journey. It was a trip that was definitely worth taking, worth documenting, and worth reading and rereading today. Now we can only read about it. The Overland stage made its last trip a long time ago and won't start again. Even if it did, the life and circumstances, the very scenery itself, wouldn't be the same.





XXXII. THE PIONEER

It was a hot, dusty August 14th that the stage reached Carson City and drew up before the Ormsby Hotel. It was known that the Territorial secretary was due to arrive; and something in the nature of a reception, with refreshments and frontier hospitality, had been planned. Governor Nye, formerly police commissioner in New York City, had arrived a short time before, and with his party of retainers (“heelers” we would call them now), had made an imposing entrance. Perhaps something of the sort was expected with the advent of the secretary of state. Instead, the committee saw two way-worn individuals climb down from the stage, unkempt, unshorn—clothed in the roughest of frontier costume, the same they had put on at St. Jo—dusty, grimy, slouchy, and weather-beaten with long days of sun and storm and alkali desert dust. It is not likely there were two more unprepossessing officials on the Pacific coast at that moment than the newly arrived Territorial secretary and his brother: Somebody identified them, and the committee melted away; the half-formed plan of a banquet faded out and was not heard of again. Soap and water and fresh garments worked a transformation; but that first impression had been fatal to festivities of welcome.

It was a hot, dusty August 14th when the stage arrived in Carson City and pulled up in front of the Ormsby Hotel. People knew the Territorial secretary was expected; a reception with refreshments and a taste of frontier hospitality had been planned. Governor Nye, who had previously been a police commissioner in New York City, had shown up a little while earlier, making a grand entrance with his entourage (what we would call "assistants" today). The committee anticipated something similar for the arrival of the secretary of state. Instead, they watched two tired figures step down from the stage, disheveled and unshaved—wearing the roughest frontier attire they had put on back in St. Jo—dusty, grimy, slouchy, and weather-beaten from long days of sun, storms, and alkali desert dust. At that moment, it was hard to find two less impressive officials on the Pacific coast than the newly arrived Territorial secretary and his brother. Someone recognized them, and the committee quickly dispersed; the vague plan for a banquet vanished without a trace. Soap, water, and clean clothes worked wonders, but that first impression had ruined any chance of a welcome celebration.

Carson City, the capital of Nevada, was a “wooden town,” with a population of two thousand souls. Its main street consisted of a few blocks of small frame stores, some of which are still standing. In 'Roughing It' the author writes:

Carson City, the capital of Nevada, was a "wooden town," with a population of two thousand people. Its main street was made up of a few blocks of small wooden stores, some of which are still standing. In 'Roughing It' the author writes:

    In the middle of the town, opposite the stores, was a “Plaza,” which
    is native to all towns beyond the Rocky Mountains, a large,
    unfenced, level vacancy with a Liberty Pole in it, and very useful
    as a place for public auctions, horse trades, and mass-meetings, and
    likewise for teamsters to camp in. Two other sides of the Plaza
    were faced by stores, offices, and stables. The rest of Carson City
    was pretty scattering.
    In the middle of town, across from the shops, was a “Plaza,” common in all towns beyond the Rocky Mountains. It was a large, open space without a fence, featuring a Liberty Pole, and served as a useful spot for public auctions, horse trading, mass meetings, and for truck drivers to set up camp. Two other sides of the Plaza were lined with shops, offices, and stables. The rest of Carson City was quite spread out.

One sees the place pretty clearly from this brief picture of his, but it requires an extract from a letter written to his mother somewhat later to populate it. The mineral excitement was at its height in those days of the early sixties, and had brought together such a congress of nations as only the greed for precious metal can assemble. The sidewalks and streets of Carson, and the Plaza, thronged all day with a motley aggregation—a museum of races, which it was an education merely to gaze upon. Jane Clemens had required him to write everything just as it was—“no better and no worse.”

You can see the place pretty clearly from this short picture of his, but it takes an excerpt from a letter he wrote to his mother later to really bring it to life. The mineral frenzy was at its peak during those early sixties, attracting a mix of nations that only the desire for precious metals can bring together. The sidewalks and streets of Carson, along with the Plaza, were packed all day with a diverse crowd—a real showcase of different races that was educational just to look at. Jane Clemens had insisted that he write everything exactly as it was—"no better and no worse."

    Well—[he says]—, “Gold Hill” sells at $5,000 per foot, cash down;
    “Wild Cat” isn't worth ten cents. The country is fabulously rich in
    gold, silver, copper, lead, coal, iron, quicksilver, marble,
    granite, chalk, plaster of Paris (gypsum), thieves, murderers,
    desperadoes, ladies, children, lawyers, Christians, Indians,
    Chinamen, Spaniards, gamblers, sharpens; coyotes (pronounced ki-yo-
    ties), poets, preachers, and jackass rabbits. I overheard a
    gentleman say, the other day, that it was “the d—-dest country
    under the sun,” and that comprehensive conception I fully subscribe
    to. It never rains here, and the dew never falls. No flowers grow
    here, and no green thing gladdens the eye. The birds that fly over
    the land carry their provisions with them. Only the crow and the
    raven tarry with us. Our city lies in the midst of a desert of the
    purest, most unadulterated and uncompromising sand, in which
    infernal soil nothing but that fag-end of vegetable creation, “sage-
    brush,” ventures to grow.... I said we are situated in a flat,
    sandy desert—true. And surrounded on all sides by such prodigious
    mountains that when you look disdainfully down (from them) upon the
    insignificant village of Carson, in that instant you are seized with
    a burning desire to stretch forth your hand, put the city in your
    pocket, and walk off with it.

    As to churches, I believe they have got a Catholic one here, but,
    like that one the New York fireman spoke of, I believe “they don't
    run her now.”
 
Well—[he says]—, “Gold Hill” sells for $5,000 per foot, cash up front; “Wild Cat” isn’t worth ten cents. The area is incredibly rich in gold, silver, copper, lead, coal, iron, mercury, marble, granite, chalk, plaster (gypsum), thieves, murderers, outlaws, women, children, lawyers, Christians, Native Americans, Chinese people, Spaniards, gamblers, con artists; coyotes (pronounced ki-yo-ties), poets, preachers, and jackrabbits. I overheard a guy say the other day that it was “the d—dest country under the sun,” and I completely agree. It never rains here, and there’s never any dew. No flowers bloom here, and nothing green cheers the eye. The birds that fly over the land bring their food with them. Only the crow and the raven stay with us. Our city is in the middle of a desert of the purest, most unfiltered and relentless sand, where only that scrappy plant, “sagebrush,” dares to grow.... I said we are located in a flat, sandy desert—true. And we are surrounded on all sides by such massive mountains that when you look disdainfully down (from them) at the small village of Carson, you suddenly feel an intense urge to reach out, grab the city, and walk away with it.

As for churches, I believe they have a Catholic one here, but like that one the New York firefighter talked about, I believe “they don’t run it anymore.”

Carson has been through several phases of change since this was written—for better and for worse. It is a thriving place in these later days, and new farming conditions have improved the country roundabout. But it was a desert outpost then, a catch-all for the human drift which every whirlwind of discovery sweeps along. Gold and silver hunting and mine speculations were the industries—gambling, drinking, and murder were the diversions—of the Nevada capital. Politics developed in due course, though whether as a business or a diversion is not clear at this time.

Carson has gone through several changes since this was written—both for better and for worse. It's a thriving place today, and new farming conditions have improved the surrounding area. But back then, it was a desert outpost, a refuge for everyone who got caught up in the waves of discovery. Gold and silver hunting and mining were the main industries, while gambling, drinking, and violence were the entertainment in the Nevada capital. Politics evolved over time, though it's unclear whether it became more of a business or just another pastime.

The Clemens brothers took lodging with a genial Irishwoman, Mrs. Murphy, a New York retainer of Governor Nye, who boarded the camp-followers.—[The Mrs. O'Flannigan of 'Roughing It'.]—This retinue had come in the hope of Territorial pickings and mine adventure—soldiers of fortune they were, and a good-natured lot all together. One of them, Bob Howland, a nephew of the governor, attracted Samuel Clemens by his clean-cut manner and commanding eye.

The Clemens brothers stayed with a friendly Irishwoman, Mrs. Murphy, who worked for Governor Nye in New York and provided lodging for camp-followers. —[The Mrs. O'Flannigan of 'Roughing It'.]—This group had arrived hoping for opportunities in the territory and adventures in mining—they were fortune-seekers and a good-natured bunch overall. One of them, Bob Howland, the governor's nephew, caught Samuel Clemens's attention with his sharp demeanor and confident gaze.

“The man who has that eye doesn't need to go armed,” he wrote later. “He can move upon an armed desperado and quell him and take him a prisoner without saying a single word.” It was the same Bob Howland who would be known by and by as the most fearless man in the Territory; who, as city marshal of Aurora, kept that lawless camp in subjection, and, when the friends of a lot of condemned outlaws were threatening an attack with general massacre, sent the famous message to Governor Nye: “All quiet in Aurora. Five men will be hung in an hour.” And it was quiet, and the programme was carried out. But this is a digression and somewhat premature.

“The man with that kind of insight doesn’t need to carry a weapon,” he wrote later. “He can approach an armed outlaw and subdue him, taking him prisoner without saying a single word.” This was the same Bob Howland who would eventually be known as the bravest man in the Territory; who, as city marshal of Aurora, kept that lawless camp under control, and when the friends of a group of condemned outlaws threatened an attack with widespread violence, sent the famous message to Governor Nye: “All quiet in Aurora. Five men will be hanged in an hour.” And it was quiet, and the plan was executed. But this is a digression and a bit premature.

Orion Clemens, anxious for laurels, established himself in the meager fashion which he thought the government would approve; and his brother, finding neither duties nor salary attached to his secondary position, devoted himself mainly to the study of human nature as exhibited under frontier conditions. Sometimes, when the nights were cool, he would build a fire in the office stove, and, with Bob Howland and a few other choice members of the “Brigade” gathered around, would tell river yarns in that inimitable fashion which would win him devoted audiences all his days. His river life had increased his natural languor of habit, and his slow speech heightened the lazy impression which he was never unwilling to convey. His hearers generally regarded him as an easygoing, indolent good fellow with a love of humor—with talent, perhaps—but as one not likely ever to set the world afire. They did not happen to think that the same inclination which made them crowd about to listen and applaud would one day win for him the attention of all mankind.

Orion Clemens, eager for recognition, made a modest name for himself in a way he thought the government would appreciate; meanwhile, his brother, noticing there were no responsibilities or pay attached to his secondary role, focused mostly on understanding human nature in frontier life. On cool nights, he would light a fire in the office stove, and with Bob Howland and a few other favorite members of the “Brigade” gathered around, he would spin river tales in a unique style that always drew loyal audiences throughout his life. His river experiences had made his naturally laid-back demeanor even more pronounced, and his slow way of speaking added to the relaxed vibe he was always happy to portray. Most people saw him as a laid-back, easygoing guy with a sense of humor—maybe even talented—but not someone likely to change the world. They didn’t realize that the same charm that drew people in to listen and cheer would one day earn him the attention of everyone.

Within a brief time Sam Clemens (he was never known as otherwise than “Sam” among those pioneers) was about the most conspicuous figure on the Carson streets. His great bushy head of auburn hair, his piercing, twinkling eyes, his loose, lounging walk, his careless disorder of dress, drew the immediate attention even of strangers; made them turn to look a second time and then inquire as to his identity.

Within a short time, Sam Clemens (he was only ever called “Sam” among those pioneers) became one of the most noticeable figures on the streets of Carson. His big, bushy head of auburn hair, his sharp, twinkling eyes, his relaxed, casual walk, and his messy style of dress grabbed the immediate attention of even strangers; they would turn to take a second look and then ask who he was.

He had quickly adapted himself to the frontier mode. Lately a river sovereign and dandy, in fancy percales and patent leathers, he had become the roughest of rough-clad pioneers, in rusty slouch hat, flannel shirt, coarse trousers slopping half in and half out of the heavy cowskin boots Always something of a barbarian in love with the loose habit of unconvention, he went even further than others and became a sort of paragon of disarray. The more energetic citizens of Carson did not prophesy much for his future among them. Orion Clemens, with the stir and bustle of the official new broom, earned their quick respect; but his brother—well, they often saw him leaning for an hour or more at a time against an awning support at the corner of King and Carson streets, smoking a short clay pipe and staring drowsily at the human kaleidoscope of the Plaza, scarcely changing his position, just watching, studying, lost in contemplation—all of which was harmless enough, of course, but how could any one ever get a return out of employment like that?

He quickly adapted to life on the frontier. Recently a riverboat captain dressed in fancy shirts and polished shoes, he had transformed into the roughest of pioneers, wearing a worn slouch hat, flannel shirt, and rugged pants tucked halfway into heavy cowskin boots. Always somewhat of a free spirit who loved breaking conventions, he took it a step further and became a symbol of chaos. The more ambitious citizens of Carson didn’t see much promise in his future there. Orion Clemens, with the energy of a new official, quickly gained their respect, but his brother—well, they often saw him leaning for an hour or more against an awning post at the corner of King and Carson streets, smoking a short clay pipe and lazily watching the busy crowd in the Plaza, hardly moving, just observing, lost in thought—all of which was completely harmless, of course, but how could anyone expect to get anything out of a job like that?

Samuel Clemens did not catch the mining fever immediately; there was too much to see at first to consider any special undertaking. The mere coming to the frontier was for the present enough; he had no plans. His chief purpose was to see the world beyond the Rockies, to derive from it such amusement and profit as might fall in his way. The war would end, by and by, and he would go back to the river, no doubt. He was already not far from homesick for the “States” and his associations there. He closed one letter:

Samuel Clemens didn't jump on the mining craze right away; there was just too much to take in at first to think about any specific projects. Just arriving at the frontier was enough for now; he had no real plans. His main goal was to explore the world beyond the Rockies, looking for whatever fun and profit he could find. The war would eventually wrap up, and he'd probably return to the river. He was already starting to feel a bit homesick for the “States” and the connections he had there. He ended one letter:

    I heard a military band play “What Are the Wild Waves Saying” the
    other night, and it brought Ella Creel and Belle (Stotts) across the
    desert in an instant, for they sang the song in Orion's yard the
    first time I ever heard it. It was like meeting an old friend. I
    tell you I could have swallowed that whole band, trombone and all,
    if such a compliment would have been any gratification to them.
I heard a military band playing “What Are the Wild Waves Saying” the other night, and it instantly brought back memories of Ella Creel and Belle (Stotts) in the desert, since they sang that song in Orion's yard the first time I ever heard it. It felt like reconnecting with an old friend. Honestly, I could have swallowed the whole band, trombone and all, if that would have made them happy.

His friends contracted the mining mania; Bob Howland and Raish Phillips went down to Aurora and acquired “feet” in mini-claims and wrote him enthusiastic letters. With Captain Nye, the governor's brother, he visited them and was presented with an interest which permitted him to contribute an assessment every now and then toward the development of the mine; but his enthusiasm still languished.

His friends caught the mining fever; Bob Howland and Raish Phillips went to Aurora and picked up “feet” in mini-claims, sending him excited letters. He visited them with Captain Nye, the governor's brother, and was given a share that allowed him to occasionally chip in toward the mine's development; but his excitement still faded.

He was interested more in the native riches above ground than in those concealed under it. He had heard that the timber around Lake Bigler (Tahoe) promised vast wealth which could be had for the asking. The lake itself and the adjacent mountains were said to be beautiful beyond the dream of art. He decided to locate a timber claim on its shores.

He was more interested in the natural resources above ground than those hidden beneath it. He had heard that the timber around Lake Bigler (Tahoe) offered great wealth that could be easily obtained. The lake itself and the nearby mountains were said to be stunning beyond anyone’s imagination. He decided to stake a claim for timber on its shores.

He made the trip afoot with a young Ohio lad, John Kinney, and the account of this trip as set down in 'Roughing It' is one of the best things in the book. The lake proved all they had expected—more than they expected; it was a veritable habitation of the gods, with its delicious, winy atmosphere, its vast colonnades of pines, its measureless depths of water, so clear that to drift on it was like floating high aloft in mid-nothingness. They staked out a timber claim and made a semblance of fencing it and of building a habitation, to comply with the law; but their chief employment was a complete abandonment to the quiet luxury of that dim solitude: wandering among the trees, lounging along the shore, or drifting on that transparent, insubstantial sea. They did not sleep in their house, he says:

He took the trip on foot with a young guy from Ohio, John Kinney, and the story of this trip in 'Roughing It' is one of the highlights of the book. The lake turned out to be everything they had hoped for—actually, more than they expected; it felt like a true paradise, with its delicious, wine-like atmosphere, its huge rows of pine trees, and its endless clear waters, so transparent that drifting on it felt like floating high in mid-air. They staked out a timber claim and made a half-hearted attempt at fencing it and building a shelter to meet the legal requirements; but their main focus was completely immersing themselves in the peaceful luxury of that quiet wilderness: wandering among the trees, lounging by the shore, or floating on that clear, weightless sea. They didn’t sleep in their house, he says:

“It never occurred to us, for one thing; and, besides, it was built to hold the ground, and that was enough. We did not wish to strain it.”

“It never crossed our minds, for one thing; and, besides, it was designed to support the ground, and that was enough. We didn’t want to push it.”

They lived by their camp-fire on the borders of the lake, and one day—it was just at nightfall—it got away from them, fired the forest, and destroyed their fence and habitation. His picture in 'Roughing It' of the superb night spectacle, the mighty mountain conflagration reflected in the waters of the lake, is splendidly vivid. The reader may wish to compare it with this extract from a letter written to Pamela at the time.

They lived by their campfire on the edge of the lake, and one day—just as night was falling—the fire got away from them, igniting the forest and destroying their fence and home. His description in 'Roughing It' of the breathtaking night scene, with the massive mountain fire reflected in the lake, is incredibly vivid. Readers might want to compare it with this excerpt from a letter written to Pamela at the time.

    The level ranks of flame were relieved at intervals by the standard-
    bearers, as we called the tall, dead trees, wrapped in fire, and
    waving their blazing banners a hundred feet in the air. Then we
    could turn from the scene to the lake, and see every branch and leaf
    and cataract of flame upon its banks perfectly reflected, as in a
    gleaming, fiery mirror. The mighty roaring of the conflagration,
    together with our solitary and somewhat unsafe position (for there
    was no one within six miles of us), rendered the scene very
    impressive. Occasionally one of us would remove his pipe from his
    mouth and say, “Superb, magnificent!—beautifull—but—by the Lord
    God Almighty, if we attempt to sleep in this little patch to-night,
    we'll never live till morning!”
 
    The flames danced in layers, occasionally interrupted by the standard-bearers—tall, charred trees engulfed in fire, waving their blazing branches a hundred feet in the air. Then we could turn our gaze to the lake and see every branch, leaf, and stream of fire along its banks perfectly mirrored in a shimmering, fiery reflection. The thunderous roar of the fire, combined with our isolated and somewhat precarious position (since there was no one within six miles of us), made the scene incredibly striking. Occasionally, one of us would pull his pipe from his mouth and say, “Awesome, magnificent! Beautiful—but, by God, if we try to sleep in this little spot tonight, we won't make it to morning!”

This is good writing too, but it lacks the fancy and the choice of phrasing which would develop later. The fire ended their first excursion to Tahoe, but they made others and located other claims—claims in which the “folks at home,” Mr. Moffett, James Lampton, and others, were included. It was the same James Lampton who would one day serve as a model for Colonel Sellers. Evidently Samuel Clemens had a good opinion of his business capacity in that earlier day, for he writes:

This is good writing too, but it doesn't have the flair and word choices that would evolve later. The fire cut short their first trip to Tahoe, but they took more trips and found other claims—claims that included the "folks back home," Mr. Moffett, James Lampton, and others. It was the same James Lampton who would eventually inspire the character of Colonel Sellers. Clearly, Samuel Clemens thought highly of his business skills back then, as he writes:

    This is just the country for cousin Jim to live in. I don't believe
    it would take him six months to make $100,000 here if he had $3,000
    to commence with. I suppose he can't leave his family, though.
    This is the perfect place for cousin Jim to live. I really think he could make $100,000 here in less than six months if he started with $3,000. I guess he can't leave his family behind, though.

Further along in the same letter his own overflowing Seller's optimism develops.

Further along in the same letter, his own overflowing optimism as a seller emerges.

    Orion and I have confidence enough in this country to think that if
    the war lets us alone we can make Mr. Moffett rich without its ever
    costing him a cent or a particle of trouble.
    Orion and I believe in this country enough to think that if the war leaves us alone, we can make Mr. Moffett rich without it ever costing him a dime or causing him any trouble.

This letter bears date of October 25th, and from it we gather that a certain interest in mining claims had by this time developed.

This letter is dated October 25th, and from it, we learn that a certain interest in mining claims had developed by this time.

    We have got about 1,650 feet of mining ground, and, if it proves
    good, Mr. Moffett's name will go in, and if not I can get “feet” for
    him in the spring.

    You see, Pamela, the trouble does not consist in getting mining
    ground—for there is plenty enough—but the money to work it with
    after you get it.
    We have around 1,650 feet of mining land, and if it turns out to be good, Mr. Moffett's name will be added, and if not, I can find "feet" for him in the spring.

    You see, Pamela, the problem isn't in acquiring mining land—there's plenty available—but in having the money to operate it once you do.

He refers to Pamela's two little children, his niece Annie and Baby Sam,—[Samuel E. Moffett, in later life a well-known journalist and editor.]—and promises to enter claims for them—timber claims probably—for he was by no means sanguine as yet concerning the mines. That was a long time ago. Tahoe land is sold by the lot, now, to summer residents. Those claims would have been riches to-day, but they were all abandoned presently, forgotten in the delirium which goes only with the pursuit of precious ores.

He talks about Pamela's two young kids, his niece Annie and Baby Sam,—[Samuel E. Moffett, who later became a well-known journalist and editor.]—and promises to file claims for them—most likely timber claims—since he wasn't very optimistic about the mines yet. That was a long time ago. Tahoe land is now sold by the lot to summer residents. Those claims would be worth a fortune today, but they were all soon abandoned, lost in the frenzy that comes with chasing after precious metals.





XXXIII. THE PROSPECTOR

It was not until early winter that Samuel Clemens got the real mining infection. Everybody had it by that time; the miracle is that he had not fallen an earlier victim. The wildest stories of sudden fortune were in the air, some of them undoubtedly true. Men had gone to bed paupers, on the verge of starvation, and awakened to find themselves millionaires. Others had sold for a song claims that had been suddenly found to be fairly stuffed with precious ores. Cart-loads of bricks—silver and gold—daily drove through the streets.

It wasn't until early winter that Samuel Clemens caught the real mining bug. By that time, everyone had it; the surprising part is that he hadn't fallen for it sooner. Wild stories of instant wealth were everywhere, some certainly true. Men had gone to bed broke, nearly starving, only to wake up millionaires. Others sold claims for a pittance that suddenly turned out to be filled with precious metals. Truckloads of bricks—silver and gold—rolled through the streets every day.

In the midst of these things reports came from the newly opened Humboldt region—flamed up with a radiance that was fairly blinding. The papers declared that Humboldt County “was the richest mineral region on God's footstool.” The mountains were said to be literally bursting with gold and silver. A correspondent of the daily Territorial Enterprise fairly wallowed in rhetoric, yet found words inadequate to paint the measureless wealth of the Humboldt mines. No wonder those not already mad speedily became so. No wonder Samuel Clemens, with his natural tendency to speculative optimism, yielded to the epidemic and became as “frenzied as the craziest.” The air to him suddenly began to shimmer; all his thoughts were of “leads” and “ledges” and “veins”; all his clouds had silver linings; all his dreams were of gold. He joined an expedition at once; he reproached himself bitterly for not having started earlier.

In the midst of all this, reports came in from the newly opened Humboldt region—glowing with a brightness that was almost blinding. The newspapers claimed that Humboldt County “was the richest mineral region on Earth.” The mountains were said to be bursting with gold and silver. A writer for the daily Territorial Enterprise was practically drowning in flowery language, yet still found it hard to capture the immense wealth of the Humboldt mines. It’s no surprise that those who weren’t already crazy quickly became so. It’s no wonder Samuel Clemens, with his natural tendency toward hopeful speculation, caught the fever and became as “frenzied as the craziest.” To him, the air suddenly started to shimmer; all his thoughts were about “leads,” “ledges,” and “veins”; all his clouds had silver linings; all his dreams were of gold. He immediately joined an expedition and bitterly regretted not having started earlier.

    Hurry was the word! We wasted no time. Our party consisted of four
    persons—a blacksmith sixty years of age, two young lawyers, and
    myself. We bought a wagon and two miserable old horses. We put
    1,800 pounds of provisions and mining tools in the wagon and drove
    out of Carson on a chilly December afternoon.
    Hurry was the word! We wasted no time. Our group had four people—a sixty-year-old blacksmith, two young lawyers, and me. We bought a wagon and two old, worn-out horses. We loaded 1,800 pounds of supplies and mining equipment into the wagon and drove out of Carson on a chilly December afternoon.

In a letter to his mother he states that besides provisions and mining tools, their load consisted of certain luxuries viz., ten pounds of killikinick, Watts's Hymns, fourteen decks of cards, Dombey and Son, a cribbage-board, one small keg of lager-beer, and the “Carmina Sacra.”

In a letter to his mom, he mentions that along with supplies and mining tools, their load included a few luxuries, like ten pounds of killikinick, Watts's Hymns, fourteen decks of cards, Dombey and Son, a cribbage board, a small keg of lager beer, and the “Carmina Sacra.”

The two young lawyers were A. W.(Gus) Oliver (Oliphant in 'Roughing It'), and W. H. Clagget. Sam Clemens had known Billy Clagget as a law student in Keokuk, and they were brought together now by this association. Both Clagget and Oliver were promising young men, and would be heard from in time. The blacksmith's name was Tillou (Ballou), a sturdy, honest soul with a useful knowledge of mining and the repair of tools. There were also two dogs in the party—a small curly-tailed mongrel, Curney, the property of Mr. Tillou, and a young hound. The combination seemed a strong one.

The two young lawyers were A. W. (Gus) Oliver (Oliphant in 'Roughing It') and W. H. Clagget. Sam Clemens had known Billy Clagget as a law student in Keokuk, and they were brought together now by this association. Both Clagget and Oliver were promising young men, and would make a name for themselves in time. The blacksmith's name was Tillou (Ballou), a sturdy, honest guy with practical knowledge of mining and tool repairs. There were also two dogs in the group—a small curly-tailed mutt named Curney, owned by Mr. Tillou, and a young hound. The combination seemed solid.

It proved a weak one in the matter of horses. Oliver and Clemens had furnished the team, and their selection had not been of the best. It was two hundred miles to Humboldt, mostly across sand. The horses could not drag their load and the miners too, so the miners got out. Then they found it necessary to push.

It turned out to be a weak group when it came to horses. Oliver and Clemens provided the team, and their choices weren't great. It was two hundred miles to Humboldt, mostly across sand. The horses couldn’t pull their load along with the miners, so the miners got out. Then they realized they needed to push.

    Not because we were fond of it, Ma—oh, no! but on Bunker's account.
    Bunker was the “near” horse on the larboard side, named after the
    attorney-general of this Territory. My horse—and I am sorry you do
    not know him personally, Ma, for I feel toward him, sometimes, as if
    he were a blood relation of our family—he is so lazy, you know—my
    horse—I was going to say, was the “off” horse on the starboard
    side. But it was on Bunker's account, principally, that we pushed
    behind the wagon. In fact, Ma, that horse had something on his mind
    all the way to Humboldt.—[S. L. C. to his mother. Published in
    the Keokuk (Iowa) Gate city.]—
    Not because we liked it, Ma—oh, no! but because of Bunker.  
    Bunker was the “near” horse on the left side, named after the attorney general of this Territory. My horse—and I wish you knew him personally, Ma, because I sometimes feel like he’s a part of our family—he’s so lazy, you know—my horse—I was going to say, was the “off” horse on the right side. But mainly, we followed behind the wagon because of Bunker. Honestly, Ma, that horse seemed to have something on his mind the whole way to Humboldt.—[S. L. C. to his mother. Published in the Keokuk (Iowa) Gate city.]—

So they had to push, and most of that two hundred miles through snow and sand storm they continued to push and swear and groan, sustained only by the thought that they must arrive at last, when their troubles would all be at an end, for they would be millionaires in a brief time and never know want or fatigue any more.

So they had to keep going, and for most of those two hundred miles through snow and sandstorms, they kept pushing, cursing, and groaning, driven only by the idea that they would finally arrive, when all their troubles would be over, and they would be millionaires in no time, never to feel want or exhaustion again.

There were compensations: the camp-fire at night was cheerful, the food satisfying. They bundled close under the blankets and, when it was too cold to sleep, looked up at the stars, while the future entertainer of kings would spin yarn after yarn that made his hearers forget their discomforts. Judge Oliver, the last one of the party alive, in a recent letter to the writer of this history, says:

There were perks: the campfire at night was cozy, and the food was good. They snuggled closely under the blankets and, when it was too cold to sleep, looked up at the stars, while the future entertainer of kings told story after story that made his listeners forget their discomforts. Judge Oliver, the last surviving member of the group, in a recent letter to the author of this history, says:

    He was the life of the camp; but sometimes there would come a
    reaction and he could hardly speak for a day or two. One day a pack
    of wolves chased us, and the hound Sam speaks of never stopped to
    look back till he reached the next station, many miles ahead.
    He was the life of the camp; but sometimes he would have a reaction and could barely talk for a day or two. One day, a pack of wolves chased us, and the hound Sam talks about never looked back until he got to the next station, many miles ahead.

Judge Oliver adds that an Indian war had just ended, and that they occasionally passed the charred ruin of a shack, and new graves: This was disturbing enough. Then they came to that desolation of desolations, the Alkali Desert, where the sand is of unknown depth, where the road is strewn thickly with the carcasses of dead beasts of burden, the charred remains of wagons, chains, bolts, and screws, which thirsty emigrants, grown desperate, have thrown away in the grand hope of being able, when less encumbered, to reach water.

Judge Oliver adds that an Indian war had just ended, and that they occasionally passed the burnt remains of a shack and new graves: This was unsettling enough. Then they reached the bleakest of bleak places, the Alkali Desert, where the sand is endlessly deep, where the road is littered with the bodies of dead animals, the burnt remnants of wagons, chains, bolts, and screws, which desperate emigrants have discarded in the hopes of reaching water when they were less burdened.

They traveled all day and night, pushing through that fierce, waterless waste to reach camp on the other side. It was three o'clock in the morning when they got across and dropped down utterly exhausted. Judge Oliver in his letter tells what happened then:

They traveled all day and night, pushing through that harsh, dry wasteland to reach camp on the other side. It was three o'clock in the morning when they finally made it across and collapsed, completely drained. Judge Oliver, in his letter, explains what happened next:

    The sun was high in the heavens when we were aroused from our sleep
    by a yelling band of Piute warriors. We were upon our feet in an
    instant. The pictures of burning cabins and the lonely graves we
    had passed were in our minds. Our scalps were still our own, and
    not dangling from the belts of our visitors. Sam pulled himself
    together, put his hand on his head as if to make sure he had not
    been scalped, and then with his inimitable drawl said: “Boys, they
    have left us our scalps. Let's give them all the flour and sugar
    they ask for.” And we did give them a good supply, for we were
    grateful.
    The sun was high in the sky when we were jolted awake by a shouting group of Piute warriors. We were on our feet in an instant. Images of burning cabins and the lonely graves we had seen flashed through our minds. Our scalps were still our own, not hanging from the belts of our visitors. Sam gathered himself, touched his head as if to confirm he hadn’t been scalped, and then, with his distinctive drawl, said: “Boys, they’ve left us our scalps. Let’s give them all the flour and sugar they want.” And we did give them a good supply, because we were thankful.

They were eleven weary days pushing their wagon and team the two hundred miles to Unionville, Humboldt County, arriving at last in a driving snow-storm. Unionville consisted of eleven poor cabins built in the bottom of a canon, five on one side and six facing them on the other. They were poor, three-sided, one-room huts, the fourth side formed by the hill; the roof, a spread of white cotton. Stones used to roll down on them sometimes, and Mark Twain tells of live stock—specifically of a mule and cow—that interrupted the patient, long-suffering Oliver, who was trying to write poetry, and only complained when at last “an entire cow came rolling down the hill, crashed through on the table, and made a shapeless wreck of everything.”—['The Innocents Abroad.']

They spent eleven exhausting days pushing their wagon and team the two hundred miles to Unionville, Humboldt County, finally arriving in a heavy snowstorm. Unionville had eleven shabby cabins built in the bottom of a canyon, five on one side and six facing them on the other. These were basic, three-sided, one-room huts, with the fourth side formed by the hill; the roof was made of white cotton. Occasionally, stones would roll down on them, and Mark Twain recounts a story about livestock—specifically a mule and a cow—that disrupted the patient, long-suffering Oliver, who was trying to write poetry, and only complained when “an entire cow came rolling down the hill, crashed through on the table, and made a shapeless wreck of everything.”—['The Innocents Abroad.']

Judge Oliver still does not complain; but he denies the cow. He says there were no cows in Humboldt in those days, so perhaps it was only a literary cow, though in any case it will long survive. Judge Oliver's name will go down with it to posterity.

Judge Oliver still doesn't complain; but he denies the cow. He says there were no cows in Humboldt back then, so maybe it was just a fictional cow, but in any case, it will live on. Judge Oliver's name will be remembered along with it for future generations.

In the letter which Samuel Clemens wrote home he tells of what they found in Unionville.

In the letter that Samuel Clemens sent home, he talks about what they discovered in Unionville.

    “National” there was selling at $50 per foot and assayed $2,496 per
    ton at the mint in San Francisco. And the “Alda Nueva,” “Peru,”
     “Delirio,” “Congress,” “Independent,” and others were immensely rich
    leads. And moreover, having winning ways with us, we could get
    “feet” enough to make us all rich one of these days.
“National” was selling at $50 per foot and was valued at $2,496 per ton at the mint in San Francisco. And the “Alda Nueva,” “Peru,” “Delirio,” “Congress,” “Independent,” and others were incredibly rich veins. Plus, with our luck, we could get enough “feet” to make us all rich one of these days.

“I confess with shame,” says the author of 'Roughing It', “that I expected to find masses of silver lying all about the ground.” And he adds that he slipped away from the cabin to find a claim on his own account, and tells how he came staggering back under a load of golden specimens; also how his specimens proved to be only worthless mica; and how he learned that in mining nothing that glitters is gold. His account in 'Roughing It' of the Humboldt mining experience is sufficiently good history to make detail here unnecessary. Tillou instructed them in prospecting, and in time they located a fairly promising claim. They went to work on it with pick and shovel, then with drill and blasting-powder. Then they gave it up.

“I admit with embarrassment,” says the author of 'Roughing It', “that I thought I would find silver scattered everywhere.” He also mentions that he sneaked away from the cabin to stake out a claim for himself, and describes how he returned struggling under a load of golden specimens; but then discovered that his finds were just worthless mica. He learned that in mining, not everything that shines is gold. His account in 'Roughing It' of the Humboldt mining experience is detailed enough that it doesn't need repeating here. Tillou taught them how to prospect, and eventually they found a reasonably promising claim. They started working on it with pick and shovel, then with drill and blasting powder. After a while, they gave up.

“One week of this satisfied me. I resigned.”

“One week of this was enough for me. I quit.”

They tried to tunnel, but soon resigned again. It was pleasanter to prospect and locate and trade claims and acquire feet in every new ledge than it was to dig-and about as profitable. The golden reports of Humboldt had been based on assays of selected rich specimens, and were mainly delirium and insanity. The Clemens-Clagget-Oliver-Tillou combination never touched their claims again with pick and shovel, though their faith, or at least their hope, in them did not immediately die. Billy Clagget put out his shingle as notary public, and Gus Oliver put out his as probate judge. Sam Clemens and Tillou, with a fat-witted, arrogant Prussian named Pfersdoff (Ollendorf) set out for Carson City. It is not certain what became of the wagon and team, or of the two dogs.

They attempted to dig a tunnel, but soon gave up again. It was more enjoyable to scout for and stake claims and acquire shares in every new site than to actually dig—and it was about as profitable. The glowing reports from Humboldt were based on tests of selected rich samples and were mostly just delusions and craziness. The Clemens-Clagget-Oliver-Tillou group never returned to their claims with pick and shovel, although their belief—or at least their hope—in them didn't die right away. Billy Clagget set up his sign as a notary public, and Gus Oliver put out his as a probate judge. Sam Clemens and Tillou, along with a dim-witted, arrogant Prussian named Pfersdoff (Ollendorf), headed to Carson City. It's unclear what happened to the wagon and team, or the two dogs.

The Carson travelers were water-bound at a tavern on the Carson River (the scene of the “Arkansas” sketch), with a fighting, drinking lot. Pfersdoff got them nearly drowned getting away, and finally succeeded in getting them absolutely lost in the snow. The author of 'Roughing It' tells us how they gave themselves up to die, and how each swore off whatever he had in the way of an evil habit, how they cast their tempters-tobacco, cards, and whisky-into the snow. He further tells us how next morning, when they woke to find themselves alive, within a few rods of a hostelry, they surreptitiously dug up those things again and, deep in shame and luxury, resumed their fallen ways: It was the 29th of January when they reached Carson City. They had been gone not quite two months, one of which had been spent in travel. It was a brief period, but it contained an episode, and it seemed like years.

The Carson travelers were stuck at a tavern on the Carson River (the scene of the “Arkansas” sketch), with a rough, drinking crowd. Pfersdoff almost got them drowned while trying to leave, and ultimately ended up getting them completely lost in the snow. The author of 'Roughing It' explains how they resigned themselves to die, each vowing to quit whatever bad habits they had, casting aside their temptations—tobacco, cards, and whisky—into the snow. He also describes how the next morning, when they woke up alive and only a short distance from an inn, they secretly dug those things back up and, filled with shame and indulgence, went back to their old ways: It was January 29th when they arrived in Carson City. They had been gone for just under two months, one of which had been spent traveling. It was a short time, but it included a significant event, and felt like it lasted for years.





XXXIV. TERRITORIAL CHARACTERISTICS

Meantime, the Territorial secretary had found difficulties in launching the ship of state. There was no legislative hall in Carson City; and if Abram Curry, one of the original owners of the celebrated Gould and Curry mine—“Curry—old Curry—old Abe Curry,” as he called himself—had not tendered the use of a hall rent free, the first legislature would have been obliged to “sit in the desert.” Furthermore, Orion had met with certain acute troubles of his own. The government at Washington had not appreciated his economies in the matter of cheap office rental, and it had stipulated the price which he was to pay for public printing and various other services-prices fixed according to Eastern standards. These prices did not obtain in Nevada, and when Orion, confident that because of his other economies the comptroller would stretch a point and allow the increased frontier tariff, he was met with the usual thick-headed official lack of imagination, with the result that the excess paid was deducted from his slender salary. With a man of less conscience this condition would easily have been offset by another wherein other rates, less arbitrary, would have been adjusted to negotiate the official deficit. With Orion Clemens such a remedy was not even considered; yielding, unstable, blown by every wind of influence though he was, Orion's integrity was a rock.

In the meantime, the Territorial secretary was struggling to get the government up and running. There wasn’t a legislative hall in Carson City, and if Abram Curry, one of the original owners of the famous Gould and Curry mine—“Curry—old Curry—old Abe Curry,” as he liked to call himself—hadn’t offered his hall for free, the first legislature would have had to “meet in the desert.” Additionally, Orion was facing some significant challenges of his own. The government in Washington hadn’t recognized his efforts to save money on cheap office rentals, and it had set the prices he was supposed to pay for public printing and various other services—prices that were determined by Eastern standards. These prices weren’t realistic in Nevada, and when Orion assumed that, due to his other savings, the comptroller would be flexible and accept the higher frontier tariff, he encountered the usual thick-headed official lack of creativity. As a result, the extra costs were taken out of his meager salary. A man with less integrity could have easily found a way to balance things out by adjusting other, less rigid rates to cover the official shortfall. But with Orion Clemens, such a solution wasn’t even on the table; despite being somewhat yielding and swayed by external influences, Orion's integrity remained solid as a rock.

Governor Nye was among those who presently made this discovery. Old politician that he was—former police commissioner of New York City—Nye took care of his own problems in the customary manner. To him, politics was simply a game—to be played to win. He was a popular, jovial man, well liked and thought of, but he did not lie awake, as Orion did, planning economies for the government, or how to make up excess charges out of his salary. To him Nevada was simply a doorway to the United States Senate, and in the mean time his brigade required official recognition and perquisites. The governor found Orion Clemens an impediment to this policy. Orion could not be brought to a proper political understanding of “special bills and accounts,” and relations between the secretary of state and the governor were becoming strained.

Governor Nye was one of those who made this discovery. Being a seasoned politician—formerly the police commissioner of New York City—Nye handled his issues in the usual way. To him, politics was just a game to be played to win. He was a popular, cheerful guy, well-liked and respected, but he didn’t lie awake at night like Orion, planning government budgets or figuring out how to cover extra expenses from his salary. To him, Nevada was just a stepping stone to the U.S. Senate, and in the meantime, his team needed official recognition and benefits. The governor saw Orion Clemens as an obstacle to this plan. Orion couldn’t grasp the proper political understanding of “special bills and accounts,” and tensions between the secretary of state and the governor were starting to rise.

It was about this time that the man who had been potentate of the pilot-house of a Mississippi River steamer returned from Humboldt. He was fond of the governor, but he had still higher regard for the family integrity. When he had heard Orion's troubled story, he called on Governor Nye and delivered himself in his own fashion. In his former employments he had acquired a vocabulary and moral backbone sufficient to his needs. We may regret that no stenographic report was made of the interview. It would be priceless now. But it is lost; we only know that Orion's rectitude was not again assailed, and that curiously enough Governor Nye apparently conceived a strong admiration and respect for his brother.

It was around this time that the man who had been in charge of the pilot house on a Mississippi River steamer returned from Humboldt. He liked the governor, but he valued family integrity even more. After hearing Orion's troubling story, he went to see Governor Nye and spoke in his own way. In his previous jobs, he had developed a vocabulary and moral strength that suited him well. It's unfortunate that there was no recorded transcript of their meeting. It would be invaluable now. But it's gone; all we know is that Orion's integrity wasn't questioned again, and interestingly, Governor Nye seemed to develop a strong admiration and respect for his brother.

Samuel Clemens, miner, remained but a brief time in Carson City—only long enough to arrange for a new and more persistent venture. He did not confess his Humboldt failure to his people; in fact, he had not as yet confessed it to himself; his avowed purpose was to return to Humboldt after a brief investigation of the Esmeralda mines. He had been paying heavy assessments on his holdings there; and, with a knowledge of mining gained at Unionville, he felt that his personal attention at Aurora might be important. As a matter of fact, he was by this time fairly daft on the subject of mines and mining, with the rest of the community for company.

Samuel Clemens, a miner, spent only a short time in Carson City—just long enough to set up a new and more determined venture. He didn’t admit his failure in Humboldt to anyone; in fact, he hadn’t even come to terms with it himself yet. His stated goal was to go back to Humboldt after a quick look at the Esmeralda mines. He had been paying high fees on his investments there, and with the knowledge he had gained about mining in Unionville, he felt that being personally involved in Aurora might be crucial. The truth was, by this point, he was pretty obsessed with the topic of mines and mining, just like everyone else in the community.

His earlier praises of the wonders and climate of Tahoe had inspired his sister Pamela, always frail, with a desire to visit that health-giving land. Perhaps he felt that he recommended the country somewhat too highly.

His earlier praises of the beauty and climate of Tahoe had inspired his sister Pamela, who was always fragile, to want to visit that healing place. Maybe he thought he had spoken about the area a bit too enthusiastically.

“By George, Pamela,” he said, “I begin to fear that I have invoked a spirit of some kind or other, which I will find more than difficult to allay.” He proceeds to recommend California as a residence for any or all of them, but he is clearly doubtful concerning Nevada.

“By George, Pamela,” he said, “I’m starting to worry that I’ve summoned some kind of spirit that will be tough to deal with.” He goes on to suggest California as a good place for any or all of them to live, but he’s clearly unsure about Nevada.

    Some people are malicious enough to think that if the devil were set
    at liberty and told to confine himself to Nevada Territory, he would
    come here and look sadly around awhile, and then get homesick and go
    back to hell again.... Why, I have had my whiskers and mustaches
    so full of alkali dust that you'd have thought I worked in a starch
    factory and boarded in a flour barrel.
Some people are mean enough to believe that if the devil were freed and told to stay in Nevada Territory, he would come here, look around sadly for a bit, and then feel so homesick that he'd head back to hell. Honestly, I've had my beard and mustache so filled with alkali dust that you'd think I worked in a starch factory and lived in a flour barrel.

But then he can no longer restrain his youth and optimism. How could he, with a fortune so plainly in view? It was already in his grasp in imagination; he was on the way home with it.

But then he can no longer hold back his youth and optimism. How could he, with a fortune so clearly within reach? It was already in his mind; he was on his way home with it.

    I expect to return to St. Louis in July—per steamer. I don't say
    that I will return then, or that I shall be able to do it—but I
    expect to—you bet. I came down here from Humboldt, in order to
    look after our Esmeralda interests. Yesterday, Bob Howland arrived
    here, and I have had a talk with him. He owns with me in the
    “Horatio and Derby” ledge. He says our tunnel is in 52 feet, and a
    small stream of water has been struck, which bids fair to become a
    “big thing” by the time the ledge is reached—sufficient to supply a
    mill. Now, if you knew anything of the value of water here, you
    would perceive at a glance that if the water should amount to 50 or
    100 inches, we wouldn't care whether school kept or not. If the
    ledge should prove to be worthless, we'd sell the water for money
    enough to give us quite a lift. But, you see, the ledge will not
    prove to be worthless. We have located, near by, a fine site for a
    mill, and when we strike the ledge, you know, we'll have a mill-
    site, water-power, and payrock, all handy. Then we sha'n't care
    whether we have capital or not. Mill folks will build us a mill,
    and wait for their pay. If nothing goes wrong, we'll strike the
    ledge in June—and if we do, I'll be home in July, you know.
    I expect to return to St. Louis in July—by steamer. I’m not saying I will definitely return then, or that it will be possible—but I expect to—you bet. I came down here from Humboldt to take care of our Esmeralda interests. Yesterday, Bob Howland arrived, and I had a chat with him. He co-owns the “Horatio and Derby” ledge with me. He says our tunnel is at 52 feet, and they’ve hit a small stream of water that looks like it could become a “big deal” by the time we reach the ledge—enough to supply a mill. Now, if you knew anything about the value of water here, you’d see right away that if we get 50 or 100 inches, we wouldn't even care if school stayed in session or not. If the ledge turns out to be worthless, we could sell the water for enough cash to give us a solid boost. But, you see, the ledge won’t turn out to be worthless. We’ve found a great spot for a mill nearby, and when we hit the ledge, we’ll have a mill site, water power, and pay rock all in one place. Then we won’t care whether we have capital or not. Mill folks will build us a mill and wait for their payment. If everything goes smoothly, we’ll hit the ledge in June—and if we do, I’ll be home in July, you know.

He pauses at this point for a paragraph of self-analysis—characteristic and crystal-clear.

He pauses here for a moment of self-reflection—typical and very clear.

    So, just keep your clothes on, Pamela, until I come. Don't you know
    that undemonstrated human calculations won't do to bet on? Don't
    you know that I have only talked, as yet, but proved nothing? Don't
    you know that I have expended money in this country but have made
    none myself? Don't you know that I have never held in my hands a
    gold or silver bar that belonged to me? Don't you know that it's
    all talk and no cider so far? Don't you know that people who always
    feel jolly, no matter where they are or what happens to them—who
    have the organ of Hope preposterously developed—who are endowed
    with an unconcealable sanguine temperament—who never feel concerned
    about the price of corn—and who cannot, by any possibility,
    discover any but the bright side of a picture—are very apt to go to
    extremes and exaggerate with 40-horse microscopic power?

                     But-but
              In the bright lexicon of youth,
              There is no such word as Fail—
                  and I'll prove it!
So, just keep your clothes on, Pamela, until I get there. Don't you know that unproven human calculations aren't worth betting on? Don't you realize I've only talked about it so far and haven't proved anything? Don't you know I've spent money in this country but haven't made any myself? Don't you know I've never held a gold or silver bar that actually belonged to me? Don't you see it's all talk and no action up to this point? Don’t you understand that people who always feel happy, no matter where they are or what happens to them—who have an exaggerated sense of Hope—who are naturally optimistic—who never worry about the price of corn—and who can only see the bright side of things—are likely to go to extremes and exaggerate things massively?

                     But-but
              In the bright lexicon of youth,
              There is no such word as Fail—
                  and I'll prove it!

Whereupon, he lets himself go again, full-tilt:

Whereupon, he completely lets loose again:

    By George, if I just had a thousand dollars I'd be all right! Now
    there's the “Horatio,” for instance. There are five or six
    shareholders in it, and I know I could buy half of their interests
    at, say $20 per foot, now that flour is worth $50 per barrel and
    they are pressed for money, but I am hard up myself, and can't buy
    —and in June they'll strike the ledge, and then “good-by canary.”
     I can't get it for love or money. Twenty dollars a foot! Think of
    it! For ground that is proven to be rich. Twenty dollars, Madam-
    and we wouldn't part with a foot of our 75 for five times the sum.
    So it will be in Humboldt next summer. The boys will get pushed and
    sell ground for a song that is worth a fortune. But I am at the
    helm now. I have convinced Orion that he hasn't business talent
    enough to carry on a peanut-stand, and he has solemnly promised me
    that he will meddle no more with mining or other matters not
    connected with the secretary's office. So, you see, if mines are to
    be bought or sold, or tunnels run or shafts sunk, parties have to
    come to me—and me only. I'm the “firm,” you know.
By George, if I just had a thousand dollars, I’d be set! Now there's the "Horatio," for instance. There are five or six shareholders in it, and I know I could buy half of their shares at about $20 per foot, especially with flour selling for $50 a barrel and they needing cash, but I’m broke myself and can’t purchase — and in June they'll hit the ledge, and then “goodbye canary.” I can't get it for love or money. Twenty dollars a foot! Can you believe it? For land that has been proven to be rich. Twenty dollars, madam—and we wouldn’t sell a foot of our 75 for five times that amount. It will be the same in Humboldt next summer. The guys will get desperate and sell land for next to nothing that's actually worth a fortune. But I’m in charge now. I’ve convinced Orion that he doesn’t have enough business sense to run a peanut stand, and he has solemnly promised me that he will not interfere with mining or anything else not related to the secretary’s office. So, you see, if mines are to be bought or sold, or tunnels dug or shafts sunk, people have to come to me—and only me. I'm the “firm,” you know.

There are pages of this, all glowing with golden expectations and plans. Ah, well! we have all written such letters home at one time and another-of gold-mines of one form or another.

There are pages of this, all shining with bright hopes and plans. Ah, well! we’ve all written such letters home at some point—about gold-mines of one kind or another.

He closes at last with a bit of pleasantry for his mother.

He finally wraps up with a lighthearted comment for his mom.

    Ma says: “It looks like a man can't hold public office and be
    honest.” Why, certainly not, Madam. A man can't hold public office
    and be honest. Lord bless you, it is a common practice with Orion
    to go about town stealing little things that happen to be lying
    around loose. And I don't remember having heard him speak the truth
    since we have been in Nevada. He even tries to prevail upon me to
    do these things, Ma, but I wasn't brought up in that way, you know.
    You showed the public what you could do in that line when you raised
    me, Madam. But then you ought to have raised me first, so that
    Orion could have had the benefit of my example. Do you know that he
    stole all the stamps out of an 8-stamp quartz-mill one night, and
    brought them home under his overcoat and hid them in the back room?
Ma says: “It seems like a man can't hold a public office and be honest.” Well, of course not, Madam. A man can’t hold public office and be honest. Goodness, it’s pretty common for Orion to wander around town taking little things that are just lying around. And I can’t remember the last time I heard him tell the truth since we got to Nevada. He even tries to convince me to do these things, Ma, but I wasn’t raised that way, you know. You showed everyone what you were capable of in that regard when you raised me, Madam. But really, you should have raised me first so Orion could have had my example to follow. Do you know that he stole all the stamps from an 8-stamp quartz mill one night, brought them home under his coat, and hid them in the back room?




XXXV. THE MINER

He had about exhausted his own funds by this time, and it was necessary that Orion should become the financier. The brothers owned their Esmeralda claims in partnership, and it was agreed that Orion, out of his modest depleted pay, should furnish the means, while the other would go actively into the field and develop their riches. Neither had the slightest doubt but that they would be millionaires presently, and both were willing to struggle and starve for the few intervening weeks.

He had practically run out of his own money by this point, so it was essential for Orion to take on the financial role. The brothers co-owned their Esmeralda claims, and they agreed that Orion, with his limited and dwindling salary, would provide the funds while the other brother would head out to work in the field and tap into their wealth. Both of them were completely confident that they would soon be millionaires, and they were ready to endure hardship and go without for the few weeks in between.

It was February when the printer-pilot-miner arrived in Aurora, that rough, turbulent camp of the Esmeralda district lying about one hundred miles south of Carson City, on the edge of California, in the Sierra slopes. Everything was frozen and covered with snow; but there was no lack of excitement and prospecting and grabbing for “feet” in this ledge and that, buried deep under the ice and drift. The new arrival camped with Horatio Phillips (Raish), in a tiny cabin with a domestic roof (the ruin of it still stands), and they cooked and bunked together and combined their resources in a common fund. Bob Howland joined them presently, and later an experienced miner, Calvin H. Higbie (Cal), one day to be immortalized in the story of 'Roughing It' and in the dedication of that book. Around the cabin stove they would gather, and paw over their specimens, or test them with blow-pipe and “horn” spoon, after which they would plan tunnels and figure estimates of prospective wealth. Never mind if the food was poor and scanty, and the chill wind came in everywhere, and the roof leaked like a filter; they were living in a land where all the mountains were banked with nuggets, where all the rivers ran gold. Bob Howland declared later that they used to go out at night and gather up empty champagne-bottles and fruit-tins and pile them in the rear of their cabin to convey to others the appearance of affluence and high living. When they lacked for other employment and were likely to be discouraged, the ex-pilot would “ride the bunk” and smoke and, without money and without price, distribute riches more valuable than any they would ever dig out of those Esmeralda Hills. At other times he talked little or not at all, but sat in one corner and wrote, wholly oblivious of his surroundings. They thought he was writing letters, though letters were not many and only to Orion during this period. It was the old literary impulse stirring again, the desire to set things down for their own sake, the natural hunger for print. One or two of his earlier letters home had found their way into a Keokuk paper—the 'Gate City'. Copies containing them had gone back to Orion, who had shown them to a representative of the Territorial Enterprise, a young man named Barstow, who thought them amusing. The Enterprise reprinted at least one of these letters, or portions of it, and with this encouragement the author of it sent an occasional contribution direct to that paper over the pen-name “Josh.” He did not care to sign his own name. He was a miner who was soon to be a magnate; he had no desire to be known as a camp scribbler.

It was February when the printer-pilot-miner arrived in Aurora, a rough, chaotic camp in the Esmeralda district about one hundred miles south of Carson City, right on the edge of California, in the Sierra slopes. Everything was frozen and covered with snow, but there was no shortage of excitement, prospecting, and scrambling for “feet” in this ledge and that, buried deep under the ice and drift. The newcomer camped with Horatio Phillips (Raish) in a tiny cabin with a makeshift roof (the remnants of it still stand), where they cooked, shared a bunk, and pooled their resources into a common fund. Bob Howland joined them soon after, followed later by an experienced miner, Calvin H. Higbie (Cal), who would eventually be immortalized in 'Roughing It' and in the book's dedication. They would gather around the cabin stove, examining their specimens or testing them with a blowpipe and “horn” spoon, then planning tunnels and estimating potential wealth. It didn’t matter if the food was meager and the cold wind seeped in everywhere, and the roof leaked like a sieve; they were living in a land where all the mountains were filled with nuggets and all the rivers flowed with gold. Bob Howland later claimed they used to go out at night, collecting empty champagne bottles and fruit cans and piling them behind their cabin to create an appearance of wealth and high living. When they ran out of other activities and might have felt discouraged, the ex-pilot would “ride the bunk,” smoke, and without any money or cost, share treasures more valuable than anything they would ever dig out of those Esmeralda Hills. At other times, he would be quiet, sitting in one corner writing, completely unaware of what was going on around him. They thought he was writing letters, though he sent very few, mostly just to Orion during that period. It was the old literary urge coming back, the desire to write for its own sake, the natural craving for print. One or two of his earlier letters home had made it into a Keokuk paper—the 'Gate City'. Copies with those letters went back to Orion, who showed them to a reporter from the Territorial Enterprise, a young guy named Barstow, who found them entertaining. The Enterprise reprinted at least one of those letters, or parts of it, and with that boost, the author began sending the occasional piece directly to that paper under the pen name “Josh.” He didn’t want to use his real name. He was a miner who was soon to become a big deal; he had no interest in being seen as just a camp writer.

He received no pay for these offerings, and expected none. They were sketches of a broadly burlesque sort, the robust horse-play kind of humor that belongs to the frontier. They were not especially promising efforts. One of them was about an old rackabones of a horse, a sort of preliminary study for “Oahu,” of the Sandwich Islands, or “Baalbec” and “Jericho,” of Syria. If any one had told him, or had told any reader of this sketch, that the author of it was knocking at the door of the house of fame such a person's judgment or sincerity would have been open to doubt. Nevertheless, it was true, though the knock was timid and halting and the summons to cross the threshold long delayed.

He didn't get paid for these works, and he didn't expect to. They were sketches of a broadly humorous nature, the kind of rough-and-tumble humor typical of the frontier. They weren't particularly impressive efforts. One of them was about an old, worn-out horse, sort of a rough draft for “Oahu” from the Sandwich Islands, or “Baalbec” and “Jericho” from Syria. If anyone had told him, or any reader of this sketch, that the author was on the verge of breaking into the spotlight, that person's judgment or sincerity would have been questionable. Still, it was true, even if the knock was shy and unsteady and the invitation to step inside took a long time to come.

A winter mining-camp is the most bleak and comfortless of places. The saloon and gambling-house furnished the only real warmth and cheer. Our Aurora miners would have been less than human, or more, if they had not found diversion now and then in the happy harbors of sin. Once there was a great ball given at a newly opened pavilion, and Sam Clemens is said to have distinguished himself by his unrestrained and spontaneous enjoyment of the tripping harmony. Cal Higbie, who was present, writes:

A winter mining camp is the bleakest and most uncomfortable place. The saloon and gambling house provided the only real warmth and cheer. Our Aurora miners would have been less than human, or possibly more, if they hadn’t occasionally found distraction in the joyful escape of vice. Once, there was a grand ball held at a newly opened pavilion, and Sam Clemens is said to have stood out because of his unrestrained and spontaneous enjoyment of the lively music. Cal Higbie, who was there, writes:

    In changing partners, whenever he saw a hand raised he would grasp
    it with great pleasure and sail off into another set, oblivious to
    his surroundings. Sometimes he would act as though there was no use
    in trying to go right or to dance like other people, and with his
    eyes closed he would do a hoe-down or a double-shuffle all alone,
    talking to himself and saying that he never dreamed there was so
    much pleasure to be obtained at a ball. It was all as natural as a
    child's play. By the second set, all the ladies were falling over
    themselves to get him for a partner, and most of the crowd, too full
    of mirth to dance, were standing or sitting around, dying with
    laughter.
In changing partners, whenever he saw a hand raised, he would grab it with great excitement and jump into another dance, totally unaware of everything around him. Sometimes he acted like it was pointless to dance correctly or like everyone else, and with his eyes closed, he would do a hoe-down or a double-shuffle by himself, talking to himself and saying he never imagined there could be so much joy at a ball. It felt as natural as a child’s play. By the second dance, all the ladies were scrambling to have him as their partner, and most of the crowd, too entertained to dance, was standing or sitting around, laughing uncontrollably.

What a child he always was—always, to the very end? With the first break of winter the excitement that had been fermenting and stewing around camp stoves overflowed into the streets, washed up the gullies, and assailed the hills. There came then a period of madness, beside which the Humboldt excitement had been mere intoxication. Higbie says:

What a kid he always was—right up until the very end! With the first hint of winter, the excitement that had been bubbling and brewing around the camp stoves spilled out into the streets, filled the gullies, and rushed up the hills. Then came a time of frenzy, compared to which the Humboldt excitement was just a buzz. Higbie says:

    It was amazing how wild the people became all over the Pacific
    coast. In San Francisco and other large cities barbers, hack-
    drivers, servant-girls, merchants, and nearly every class of people
    would club together and send agents representing all the way from
    $5,000 to $500,000 or more to buy mines. They would buy anything.
    in the shape of quartz, whether it contained any mineral value or
    not.
    It was incredible how wild people got all along the Pacific coast. In San Francisco and other big cities, barbers, cab drivers, maids, merchants, and just about every type of person would team up and send agents with anywhere from $5,000 to $500,000 or more to buy mines. They would buy anything that looked like quartz, regardless of whether it had any mineral value or not.

The letters which went from the Aurora miner to Orion are humanly documentary. They are likely to be staccato in their movement; they show nervous haste in their composition, eagerness, and suppressed excitement; they are not always coherent; they are seldom humorous, except in a savage way; they are often profane; they are likely to be violent. Even the handwriting has a terse look; the flourish of youth has gone out of it. Altogether they reveal the tense anxiety of the gambling mania of which mining is the ultimate form. An extract from a letter of April is a fair exhibit:

The letters from the Aurora miner to Orion are very human and real. They tend to be abrupt and quick, showing a nervous rush in their writing, eagerness, and restrained excitement. They’re not always clear and rarely funny, except in a brutal way; they often contain profanity and can be aggressive. Even the handwriting looks concise; the youthful flourish is gone. Overall, they reveal the intense anxiety of the gambling addiction that mining represents. An excerpt from a letter in April is a good example:

    Work not yet begun on the “Horatio and Derby”—haven't seen it yet.
    It is still in the snow. Shall begin on it within 3 or 4 weeks
    —strike the ledge in July: Guess it is good—worth from $30 to $50
    a foot in California....

    Man named Gebhart shot here yesterday while trying to defend a claim
    on Last Chance Hill. Expect he will die.

    These mills here are not worth a d—n—except Clayton's—and it is
    not in full working trim yet.

    Send me $40 or $50—by mail-immediately. I go to work to-morrow
    with pick and shovel. Something's got to come, by G—, before I let
    go here.
    Work hasn't started yet on the “Horatio and Derby”—I haven't seen it.  
    It's still covered in snow. I'll begin on it in about 3 or 4 weeks—  
    aiming to hit the ledge in July. I think it's promising—worth between $30 and $50  
    a foot in California....

    A guy named Gebhart was shot here yesterday while trying to defend a claim  
    on Last Chance Hill. I expect he won't survive.

    These mills here aren't worth a damn—except for Clayton's—and it's  
    not fully operational yet.

    Please send me $40 or $50—by mail—immediately. I start working tomorrow  
    with a pick and shovel. Something has to give, damn it, before I give up here.

By the end of April work had become active in the mines, though the snow in places was still deep and the ground stony with frost. On the 28th he writes:

By the end of April, work had picked up in the mines, though in some areas the snow was still deep and the ground was hard from frost. On the 28th, he writes:

    I have been at work all day blasting and digging, and d—ning one of
    our new claims—“Dashaway”—which I don't think a great deal of, but
    which I am willing to try. We are down, now, 10 or 12 a feet. We
    are following down under the ledge, but not taking it out. If we
    get up a windlass to-morrow we shall take out the ledge, and see
    whether it is worth anything or not.
I’ve been working all day, blasting and digging on one of our new claims—“Dashaway.” I’m not too hopeful about it, but I’m willing to give it a shot. We’re currently about 10 or 12 feet down. We’re following the area under the ledge without removing it yet. If we set up a windlass tomorrow, we can extract the ledge and see if it has any value.

It must have been hard work picking away at the flinty ledges in the cold; and the “Dashaway” would seem to have proven a disappointment, for there is no promising mention of it again. Instead, we hear of the “Flyaway;” and “Annipolitan” and the “Live Yankee” and of a dozen others, each of which holds out the beacon of hope for a little while and then passes from notice forever. In May it is the “Monitor” that is sure to bring affluence, though realization is no longer regarded as immediate.

It must have been tough chipping away at the rocky ledges in the cold; and the “Dashaway” seems to have been a letdown, since there’s no mention of it again. Instead, we hear about the “Flyaway,” the “Annipolitan,” and the “Live Yankee,” among a dozen others, each offering a glimmer of hope for a little while before disappearing from memory entirely. In May, it’s the “Monitor” that promises wealth, though people no longer expect it to come quickly.

    To use a French expression, I have “got my d—-d satisfy” at last.
    Two years' time will make us capitalists, in spite of anything.

    Therefore we need fret and fume and worry and doubt no more, but
    just lie still and put up with privation for six months. Perhaps 3
    months will “let us out.” Then, if government refuses to pay the
    rent on your new office we can do it ourselves. We have got to wait
    six weeks, anyhow, for a dividend—maybe longer—but that it will
    come there is no shadow of a doubt. I have got the thing sifted
    down to a dead moral certainty. I own one-eighth of the new
    “Monitor Ledge, Clemens Company,” and money can't buy a foot of it;
    because I know it to contain our fortune. The ledge is six feet
    wide, and one needs no glass to see gold and silver in it....

    When you and I came out here we did not expect '63 or '64 to find us
    rich men—and if that proposition had been made we would have
    accepted it gladly. Now, it is made. I am willing, now, that
    “Neary's tunnel” or anybody else's tunnel shall succeed. Some of
    them may beat us a few months, but we shall be on hand in the
    fullness of time, as sure as fate. I would hate to swap chances
    with any member of the tribe....
To use a French expression, I have "finally gotten my d—-d satisfaction." In just two years, we will be capitalists, no matter what.

So, we need to stop fretting, fuming, worrying, and doubting. Instead, let's just stay calm and endure some hardship for six months. Maybe three months will "set us free." Then, if the government refuses to pay the rent on your new office, we can handle it ourselves. We have to wait at least six weeks for a dividend—maybe longer—but it’s definitely coming. I’m confident about it. I own one-eighth of the new "Monitor Ledge, Clemens Company," and money can’t buy a piece of it because I believe it holds our fortune. The ledge is six feet wide, and you don’t need any special tools to see the gold and silver in it...

When you and I first came out here, we didn’t expect '63 or '64 to find us as rich men—and if that idea had been suggested, we would have jumped at it. Now that it has been suggested, I’m ready for "Neary's tunnel" or anyone else's tunnel to be successful. Some might get ahead of us by a few months, but we’ll arrive at the right time, that’s a certainty. I wouldn’t want to trade chances with any of them...

It is the same man who twenty-five years later would fasten his faith and capital to a type-setting machine and refuse to exchange stock in it, share for share, with the Mergenthaler linotype. He adds:

It is the same man who, twenty-five years later, would invest his faith and money in a typesetting machine and refuse to trade stock in it, share for share, with the Mergenthaler linotype. He adds:

    But I have struck my tent in Esmeralda, and I care for no mines but
    those which I can superintend myself. I am a citizen here now, and
    I am satisfied, although Ratio and I are “strapped” and we haven't
    three days' rations in the house.... I shall work the “Monitor” and
    the other claims with my own hands. I prospected 3/4 of a pound of
    “Monitor” yesterday, and Raish reduced it with the blow-pipe, and
    got about 10 or 12 cents in gold and silver, besides the other half
    of it which we spilt on the floor and didn't get....

    I tried to break a handsome chunk from a huge piece of my darling
    “Monitor” which we brought from the croppings yesterday, but it all
    splintered up, and I send you the scraps. I call that “choice”—any
    d—-d fool would.

    Don't ask if it has been assayed, for it hasn't. It don't need it.
    It is simply able to speak for itself. It is six feet wide on top,
    and traversed through with veins whose color proclaims their worth.

    What the devil does a man want with any more feet when he owns in
    the invincible bomb-proof “Monitor”?
But I’ve set up my tent in Esmeralda, and I only care about the mines I can manage myself. I’m a resident here now, and I’m content, even though Ratio and I are broke and we don’t have three days’ worth of food in the house.... I’ll work the “Monitor” and the other claims with my own hands. I found about ¾ of a pound of “Monitor” yesterday, and Raish processed it with the blow-pipe, resulting in about 10 or 12 cents in gold and silver, not to mention the rest of it that we spilled on the floor and didn’t collect....

I tried to break off a nice piece from a huge chunk of my beloved “Monitor” that we brought from the outcrop yesterday, but it just shattered, and I’m sending you the bits. I call that “choice”—any damn fool would.

Don’t ask if it’s been tested, because it hasn’t. It doesn’t need to be. It can speak for itself. It’s six feet wide on top, crisscrossed with veins that show its value.

What on earth does a man need with more feet when he owns the unbeatable, bomb-proof “Monitor”?

There is much more of this, and other such letters, most of them ending with demands for money. The living, the tools, the blasting-powder, and the help eat it up faster than Orion's salary can grow.

There are many more letters like this, most of them ending with requests for money. The living expenses, tools, blasting powder, and help consume it faster than Orion's salary can increase.

“Send me $50 or $100, all you can spare; put away $150 subject to my call—we shall need it soon for the tunnel.” The letters are full of such admonition, and Orion, more insane, if anything, than his brother, is scraping his dollars and pennies together to keep the mines going. He is constantly warned to buy no claims on his own account and promises faithfully, but cannot resist now and then when luring baits are laid before him, though such ventures invariably result in violent and profane protests from Aurora.

“Send me $50 or $100, whatever you can spare; set aside $150 for me to use when I need it—we'll need it soon for the tunnel.” The letters are filled with such requests, and Orion, more unstable than his brother, is gathering his dollars and change to keep the mines running. He’s constantly reminded not to buy any claims for himself and promises he won’t, but he occasionally can’t resist when tempting opportunities come up, even though these adventures always lead to loud and angry outbursts from Aurora.

“The pick and shovel are the only claims I have any confidence in now,” the miner concludes, after one fierce outburst. “My back is sore, and my hands are blistered with handling them to-day.”

“The pick and shovel are the only tools I trust right now,” the miner finishes up after a strong outburst. “My back hurts, and my hands are blistered from using them today.”

But even the pick and shovel did not inspire confidence a little later. He writes that the work goes slowly, very slowly, but that they still hope to strike it some day. “But—if we strike it rich—I've lost my guess, that's all.” Then he adds: “Couldn't go on the hill to-day. It snowed. It always snows here, I expect”; and the final heart-sick line, “Don't you suppose they have pretty much quit writing at home?”

But even the pick and shovel didn’t inspire confidence a little later. He writes that the work is going slowly, very slowly, but they still hope to hit it big someday. “But—if we strike it rich—I’ve lost my bet, that’s all.” Then he adds: “Couldn’t go up the hill today. It snowed. It always snows here, I guess”; and the final heart-wrenching line, “Don’t you think they’ve pretty much given up on writing back home?”

This is midsummer, and snow still interferes with the work. One feels the dreary uselessness of the quest.

This is midsummer, and snow is still messing up the work. You can really sense the depressing pointlessness of the effort.

Yet resolution did not wholly die, or even enthusiasm. These things were as recurrent as new prospects, which were plentiful enough. In a still subsequent letter he declares that he will never look upon his mother's face again, or his sister's, or get married, or revisit the “Banner State,” until he is a rich man, though there is less assurance than desperation in the words.

Yet determination didn’t completely fade away, nor did excitement. These feelings came back just like new opportunities, which were more than enough. In a later letter, he states that he will never see his mother's face again, or his sister's, or get married, or go back to the “Banner State,” until he has become a wealthy man, although there’s more desperation than confidence in his tone.

In 'Roughing It' the author tells us that, when flour had reached one dollar a pound and he could no longer get the dollar, he abandoned mining and went to milling “as a common laborer in a quartz-mill at ten dollars a week.” This statement requires modification. It was not entirely for the money that he undertook the laborious task of washing “riffles” and “screening tailings.” The money was welcome enough, no doubt, but the greater purpose was to learn refining, so that when his mines developed he could establish his own mill and personally superintend the work. It is like him to wish us to believe that he was obliged to give up being a mining magnate to become a laborer in a quartz-mill, for there is a grim humor in the confession. That he abandoned the milling experiment at the end of a week is a true statement. He got a violent cold in the damp place, and came near getting salivated, he says in a letter, “working in the quicksilver and chemicals. I hardly think I shall try the experiment again. It is a confining business, and I will not be confined for love or money.”

In 'Roughing It,' the author tells us that when flour hit a dollar a pound and he could no longer afford it, he quit mining and took a job as a common laborer in a quartz mill for ten dollars a week. This statement needs a bit of adjustment. It wasn't just about the money that he took on the tough job of washing riffles and screening tailings. Sure, the money was nice, but his main goal was to learn about refining so that when his mines started to pay off, he could open his own mill and manage the work himself. It fits with his character to want us to think he had to give up a life as a mining magnate to labor in a quartz mill, as there's a dark humor in that admission. It's true that he abandoned the milling venture after just a week. He caught a bad cold in the damp conditions and nearly got sick from working with quicksilver and chemicals, as he mentioned in a letter. "I hardly think I’ll give it another shot. It’s a constricting job, and I won’t be tied down for love or money."

As recreation after this trying experience, Higbie took him on a tour, prospecting for the traditional “Cement Mine,” a lost claim where, in a deposit of cement rock, gold nuggets were said to be as thick as raisins in a fruitcake. They did not find the mine, but they visited Mono Lake—that ghastly, lifeless alkali sea among the hills, which in 'Roughing It' he has so vividly pictured. It was good to get away from the stress of things; and they repeated the experiment. They made a walking trip to Yosemite, carrying their packs, camping and fishing in that far, tremendous isolation, which in those days few human beings had ever visited at all. Such trips furnished a delicious respite from the fevered struggle around tunnel and shaft. Amid mountain-peaks and giant forests and by tumbling falls the quest for gold hardly seemed worth while. More than once that summer he went alone into the wilderness to find his balance and to get away entirely from humankind.

As a break after this tough experience, Higbie took him on a tour to search for the legendary “Cement Mine,” a lost claim where, in a deposit of cement rock, gold nuggets were said to be as plentiful as raisins in a fruitcake. They didn’t find the mine, but they visited Mono Lake—that eerie, lifeless alkali sea nestled among the hills, which he described so vividly in 'Roughing It.' It was nice to escape the pressure of everything; and they tried it again. They took a walking trip to Yosemite, carrying their packs, camping, and fishing in that vast, incredible isolation that only a few people had ever explored back then. Such trips provided a much-needed break from the intense struggle around tunnel and shaft. Amid the mountain peaks, giant forests, and rushing waterfalls, the pursuit of gold hardly felt worthwhile. More than once that summer, he ventured alone into the wilderness to find his equilibrium and completely escape humanity.





XXXVI. LAST MINING DAYS

It was late in July when he wrote:

    If I do not forget it, I will send you, per next mail, a pinch of
    decom. (decomposed rock) which I pinched with thumb and finger from
    Wide West ledge a while ago. Raish and I have secured 200 out of a
    company with 400 ft. in it, which perhaps (the ledge, I mean) is a
    spur from the W. W.—our shaft is about 100 ft. from the W. W.
    shaft. In order to get in, we agreed to sink 30 ft. We have sublet
    to another man for 50 ft., and we pay for powder and sharpening
    tools.
If I remember, I’ll send you a small sample of decomposed rock in the next mail, which I collected from the Wide West ledge a while back. Raish and I have secured 200 feet from a company that has 400 feet total, which might be an extension of the W. W. (the ledge, I mean)—our shaft is about 100 feet away from the W. W. shaft. To get access, we agreed to dig down 30 feet. We’ve sublet to another guy for 50 feet, and we cover the cost of explosives and sharpening tools.

This was the “Blind Lead” claim of Roughing It, but the episode as set down in that book is somewhat dramatized. It is quite true that he visited and nursed Captain Nye while Higbie was off following the “Cement” 'ignus fatuus' and that the “Wide West” holdings were forfeited through neglect. But if the loss was regarded as a heavy one, the letters fail to show it. It is a matter of dispute to-day whether or not the claim was ever of any value. A well-known California author—[Ella Sterling Cummins, author of The Story of the Files, etc]—declares:

This was the “Blind Lead” claim from Roughing It, but the story as presented in that book is somewhat dramatized. It's true that he visited and cared for Captain Nye while Higbie was off chasing the “Cement” will-o'-the-wisp and that the “Wide West” holdings were lost due to neglect. However, if that loss was considered significant, the letters don’t support it. There's still debate today about whether the claim was ever truly valuable. A well-known California author—[Ella Sterling Cummins, author of The Story of the Files, etc]—asserts:

    No one need to fear that he ran any chance of being a millionaire
    through the “Wide West” mine, for the writer, as a child, played
    over that historic spot and saw only a shut-down mill and desolate
    hole in the ground to mark the spot where over-hopeful men had sunk
    thousands and thousands, that they never recovered.
    No one needs to worry about becoming a millionaire from the “Wide West” mine, because the author, as a child, played in that historic area and saw only a closed mill and an empty hole in the ground to mark the place where overly optimistic men had invested thousands and thousands, which they never got back.

The “Blind Lead” episode, as related, is presumably a tale of what might have happened—a possibility rather than an actuality. It is vividly true in atmosphere, however, and forms a strong and natural climax for closing the mining episode, while the literary privilege warrants any liberties he may have taken for art's sake.

The “Blind Lead” episode, as told, is likely a story of what could have happened—a possibility rather than a fact. It captures the atmosphere vividly, though, and provides a powerful and fitting conclusion to the mining story, while the artistic license allows for any liberties he may have taken for the sake of storytelling.

In reality the close of his mining career was not sudden and spectacular; it was a lingering close, a reluctant and gradual surrender. The “Josh” letters to the Enterprise had awakened at least a measure of interest, and Orion had not failed to identify their author when any promising occasion offered; as a result certain tentative overtures had been made for similar material. Orion eagerly communicated such chances, for the money situation was becoming a desperate one. A letter from the Aurora miner written near the end of July presents the situation very fully. An extract or two will be sufficient:

In reality, the end of his mining career wasn’t sudden or dramatic; it was a slow decline, a hesitant and gradual resignation. The “Josh” letters to the Enterprise had sparked at least some interest, and Orion made sure to identify their writer whenever an opportunity arose; as a result, some tentative approaches were made for similar content. Orion eagerly shared those chances since the financial situation was becoming desperate. A letter from the Aurora miner written near the end of July fully describes the situation. A couple of extracts will be enough:

    My debts are greater than I thought for—I bought $25 worth of
    clothing and sent $25 to Higbie, in the cement diggings. I owe
    about $45 or $50, and have got about $45 in my pocket. But how in
    the h—l I am going to live on something over $100 until October or
    November is singular. The fact is, I must have something to do, and
    that shortly, too.... Now write to the Sacramento Union folks, or
    to Marsh, and tell them I'll write as many letters a week as they
    want for $10 a week. My board must be paid. Tell them I have
    corresponded with the N. Orleans Crescent and other papers—and the
    Enterprise.

    If they want letters from here—who'll run from morning till night
    collecting material cheaper? I'll write a short letter twice a
    week, for the present for the 'Age', for $5 per week. Now it has
    been a long time since I couldn't make my own living, and it shall
    be a long time before I loaf another year.
My debts are bigger than I expected—I bought $25 worth of clothes and sent $25 to Higbie, who's working in the cement diggings. I owe about $45 or $50 and have around $45 in my pocket. But I have no idea how I'm going to get by on a little over $100 until October or November. The truth is, I need to find something to do, and soon… Now, write to the Sacramento Union people or to Marsh and let them know I'll write as many letters a week as they need for $10 a week. I need to pay for my meals. Tell them I’ve written for the New Orleans Crescent and other papers—the Enterprise too.

If they want letters from here—who else will run all day collecting info for less? I’ll write a short letter twice a week for the 'Age' for $5 a week. It’s been a long time since I couldn't support myself, and it’s going to be a long time before I waste another year.

Nothing came of these possibilities, but about this time Barstow, of the Enterprise, conferred with Joseph T. Goodman, editor and owner of the paper, as to the advisability of adding the author of the “Josh” letters to their local staff. Joe Goodman, who had as keen a literary perception as any man that ever pitched a journalistic tent on the Pacific coast (and there could be no higher praise than that), looked over the letters and agreed with Barstow that the man who wrote them had “something in him.” Two of the sketches in particular he thought promising. One of them was a burlesque report of an egotistical lecturer who was referred to as “Professor Personal Pronoun.” It closed by stating that it was “impossible to print his lecture in full, as the type-cases had run out of capital I's.” But it was the other sketch which settled Goodman's decision. It was also a burlesque report, this time of a Fourth-of-July oration. It opened, “I was sired by the Great American Eagle and foaled by a continental dam.” This was followed by a string of stock patriotic phrases absurdly arranged. But it was the opening itself that won Goodman's heart.

Nothing came of these possibilities, but around this time Barstow from the Enterprise talked with Joseph T. Goodman, the editor and owner of the paper, about the idea of adding the author of the “Josh” letters to their local team. Joe Goodman, who had as sharp a literary sense as anyone who ever set up a journalistic operation on the Pacific coast (and that’s high praise), reviewed the letters and agreed with Barstow that the writer had “something special.” He found two of the sketches particularly promising. One of them was a humorous take on an egotistical lecturer dubbed “Professor Personal Pronoun.” It ended by stating that it was “impossible to print his lecture in full, as the type cases had run out of capital I's.” But it was the other sketch that convinced Goodman. It was also a humorous report, this time of a Fourth-of-July speech. It began, “I was sired by the Great American Eagle and foaled by a continental dam.” This was followed by a series of stock patriotic phrases arranged in a ridiculous way. But it was the opening itself that captured Goodman's attention.

“That is the sort of thing we want,” he said. “Write to him, Barstow, and ask him if he wants to come up here.”

“That’s exactly what we need,” he said. “Write to him, Barstow, and see if he wants to come up here.”

Barstow wrote, offering twenty-five dollars a week, a tempting sum. This was at the end of July, 1862.

Barstow wrote, offering twenty-five dollars a week, an attractive amount. This was at the end of July, 1862.

In 'Roughing It' we are led to believe that the author regarded this as a gift from heaven and accepted it straightaway. As a matter of fact, he fasted and prayed a good while over the “call.” To Orion he wrote Barstow has offered me the post as local reporter for the Enterprise at $25 a week, and I have written him that I will let him know next mail, if possible.

In 'Roughing It,' we're led to think that the author saw this as a blessing and jumped on it right away. Actually, he spent quite a bit of time fasting and praying about the “call.” To Orion, he wrote that Barstow had offered him the position of local reporter for the Enterprise at $25 a week, and he told him that he would let him know in the next mail, if he could.

There was no desperate eagerness, you see, to break into literature, even under those urgent conditions. It meant the surrender of all hope in the mines, the confession of another failure. On August 7th he wrote again to Orion. He had written to Barstow, he said, asking when they thought he might be needed. He was playing for time to consider.

There wasn't a frantic urge to dive into literature, even with everything going on. It would mean giving up all hope in the mines and admitting another failure. On August 7th, he wrote to Orion again. He mentioned he had reached out to Barstow, asking when they thought he might be needed. He was stalling for time to think it over.

Now, I shall leave at midnight to-night, alone and on foot, for a walk of 60 or 70 miles through a totally uninhabited country, and it is barely possible that mail facilities may prove infernally “slow.” But do you write Barstow that I have left here for a week or so, and in case he should want me, he must write me here, or let me know through you.

Now, I'm going to leave tonight at midnight, alone and on foot, for a walk of 60 or 70 miles through completely deserted territory, and it's likely that mail services will be extremely “slow.” But please tell Barstow that I've left here for about a week, and if he needs to reach me, he should write to me here or let me know through you.

So he had gone into the wilderness to fight out his battle alone. But eight days later, when he had returned, there was still no decision. In a letter to Pamela of this date he refers playfully to the discomforts of his cabin and mentions a hope that he will spend the winter in San Francisco; but there is no reference in it to any newspaper prospects—nor to the mines, for that matter. Phillips, Howland, and Higbie would seem to have given up by this time, and he was camping with Dan Twing and a dog, a combination amusingly described. It is a pleasant enough letter, but the note of discouragement creeps in:

So he had gone into the wilderness to fight his battle alone. But eight days later, when he returned, there was still no decision. In a letter to Pamela dated today, he jokingly mentions the discomforts of his cabin and expresses a hope that he will spend the winter in San Francisco; however, there’s no mention of any newspaper prospects—or the mines, for that matter. By this time, it seems Phillips, Howland, and Higbie had given up, and he was camping with Dan Twing and a dog, a combination that he humorously described. It's a fairly pleasant letter, but a hint of discouragement starts to creep in:

    I did think for a while of going home this fall—but when I found
    that that was, and had been, the cherished intention and the darling
    aspiration every year of these old care-worn Californians for twelve
    weary years, I felt a little uncomfortable, so I stole a march on
    Disappointment and said I would not go home this fall. This country
    suits me, and it shall suit me whether or no.
I thought for a bit about going home this fall—but when I realized that this had been the long-held dream and hope of these tired Californians for twelve exhausting years, I felt a bit uneasy, so I got ahead of Disappointment and decided I wouldn’t go home this fall. This place works for me, and it will work for me whether anyone likes it or not.

He was dying hard, desperately hard; how could he know, to paraphrase the old form of Christian comfort, that his end as a miner would mean, in another sphere, “a brighter resurrection” than even his rainbow imagination could paint?

He was dying with all his strength, desperately; how could he know, to put it in modern terms, that his end as a miner would mean, in another realm, “a brighter resurrection” than even his wildest dreams could envision?





XXXVII. THE NEW ESTATE

It was the afternoon of a hot, dusty August day when a worn, travel-stained pilgrim drifted laggingly into the office of the Virginia City Enterprise, then in its new building on C Street, and, loosening a heavy roll of blankets from his shoulders, dropped wearily into a chair. He wore a rusty slouch hat, no coat, a faded blue flannel shirt, a Navy revolver; his trousers were hanging on his boot tops. A tangle of reddish-brown hair fell on his shoulders, and a mass of tawny beard, dingy with alkali dust, dropped half-way to his waist.

It was the afternoon of a hot, dusty August day when a weary, travel-worn traveler slowly walked into the office of the Virginia City Enterprise, then located in its new building on C Street. He loosened a heavy roll of blankets from his shoulders and wearily plopped down into a chair. He wore a worn-out slouch hat, no coat, a faded blue flannel shirt, and carried a Navy revolver; his pants hung just above his boots. A tangled mess of reddish-brown hair fell onto his shoulders, and a scruffy, dust-covered beard dropped halfway to his waist.

Aurora lay one hundred and thirty miles from Virginia. He had walked that distance, carrying his heavy load. Editor Goodman was absent at the moment, but the other proprietor, Denis E. McCarthy, signified that the caller might state his errand. The wanderer regarded him with a far-away look and said, absently and with deliberation:

Aurora was one hundred thirty miles from Virginia. He had walked that distance, carrying his heavy load. Editor Goodman wasn't there at the moment, but the other owner, Denis E. McCarthy, indicated that the visitor could share his reason for coming. The traveler looked at him with a distant gaze and said, absent-mindedly and thoughtfully:

“My starboard leg seems to be unshipped. I'd like about one hundred yards of line; I think I am falling to pieces.” Then he added: “I want to see Mr. Barstow, or Mr. Goodman. My name is Clemens, and I've come to write for the paper.”

“My right leg feels like it's come loose. I need about a hundred yards of rope; I think I'm breaking down.” Then he added: “I want to see Mr. Barstow or Mr. Goodman. My name is Clemens, and I've come to write for the newspaper.”

It was the master of the world's widest estate come to claim his kingdom:

It was the owner of the world's largest estate come to take his territory:

William Wright, who had won a wide celebrity on the Coast as Dan de Quille, was in the editorial chair and took charge of the new arrival. He was going on a trip to the States soon; it was mainly on this account that the new man had been engaged. The “Josh” letters were very good, in Dan's opinion; he gave their author a cordial welcome, and took him around to his boarding-place. It was the beginning of an association that continued during Samuel Clemens's stay in Virginia City and of a friendship that lasted many years.

William Wright, who had become quite famous on the Coast as Dan de Quille, was in charge of the editorial team and welcomed the new arrival. He was planning a trip to the States soon, which was mainly why they had brought the new guy on board. The “Josh” letters were excellent, in Dan's view; he warmly welcomed their author and showed him to his boarding place. This marked the start of a partnership that lasted throughout Samuel Clemens's time in Virginia City and a friendship that endured for many years.

The Territorial Enterprise was one of the most remarkable frontier papers ever published. Its editor-in-chief, Joseph Goodman, was a man with rare appreciation, wide human understanding, and a comprehensive newspaper policy. Being a young man, he had no policy, in fact, beyond the general purpose that his paper should be a forum for absolutely free speech, provided any serious statement it contained was based upon knowledge. His instructions to the new reporter were about as follows:

The Territorial Enterprise was one of the most extraordinary frontier newspapers ever published. Its editor-in-chief, Joseph Goodman, was a man with a unique perspective, deep understanding of people, and a broad approach to journalism. As a young man, he didn't have a strict policy; instead, he aimed for his paper to be a platform for complete free speech, as long as any serious claims made were grounded in knowledge. His guidance to the new reporter was roughly as follows:

“Never say we learn so and so, or it is rumored, or we understand so and so; but go to headquarters and get the absolute facts; then speak out and say it is so and so. In the one case you are likely to be shot, and in the other you are pretty certain to be; but you will preserve the public confidence.”

“Don’t say we learn this or that, or it’s been said, or we think this or that; instead, go to the source and get the real facts; then speak up and state it clearly. In one case, you might get shot, and in the other, it’s pretty much guaranteed; but you’ll keep the public's trust.”

Goodman was not new to the West. He had come to California as a boy and had been a miner, explorer, printer, and contributor by turns. Early in '61, when the Comstock Lode—[Named for its discoverer, Henry T. P. Comstock, a half-crazy miner, who realized very little from his stupendous find.]—was new and Virginia in the first flush of its monster boom, he and Denis McCarthy had scraped together a few dollars and bought the paper. It had been a hand-to-hand struggle for a while, but in a brief two years, from a starving sheet in a shanty the Enterprise, with new building, new presses, and a corps of swift compositors brought up from San Francisco, had become altogether metropolitan, as well as the most widely considered paper on the Coast. It had been borne upward by the Comstock tide, though its fearless, picturesque utterance would have given it distinction anywhere. Goodman himself was a fine, forceful writer, and Dan de Quille and R. M. Daggett (afterward United States minister to Hawaii) were representative of Enterprise men.—[The Comstock of that day became famous for its journalism. Associated with the Virginia papers then or soon afterward were such men as Tom Fitch (the silver-tongued orator), Alf Doten, W. J. Forbes, C. C. Goodwin, H. R. Mighels, Clement T. Rice, Arthur McEwen, and Sam Davis—a great array indeed for a new Territory.]—Samuel Clemens fitted precisely into this group. He added the fresh, rugged vigor of thought and expression that was the very essence of the Comstock, which was like every other frontier mining-camp, only on a more lavish, more overwhelming scale.

Goodman was no stranger to the West. He had arrived in California as a boy and had worked as a miner, explorer, printer, and contributor at various times. Early in '61, when the Comstock Lode—[Named after its discoverer, Henry T. P. Comstock, a somewhat eccentric miner who didn’t benefit much from his incredible discovery.]—was just emerging and Virginia was experiencing its massive boom, he and Denis McCarthy had pooled together a few dollars and bought the newspaper. It had been a tough fight for a while, but in just two short years, from a struggling paper operating in a shack, the Enterprise, with a new building, new presses, and a team of fast typesetters brought in from San Francisco, had transformed into a fully-fledged metropolitan paper, becoming the most widely read newspaper on the Coast. It had thrived on the Comstock wave, but its bold, colorful expression would have set it apart anywhere. Goodman himself was a skilled, impactful writer, and Dan de Quille and R. M. Daggett (who later became the United States minister to Hawaii) were representative of the Enterprise staff.—[The Comstock of that era gained fame for its journalism. Linked to the Virginia papers during that time or soon after were notable figures like Tom Fitch (the silver-tongued orator), Alf Doten, W. J. Forbes, C. C. Goodwin, H. R. Mighels, Clement T. Rice, Arthur McEwen, and Sam Davis—truly a remarkable roster for a new Territory.]—Samuel Clemens fit perfectly into this group. He brought the new, raw energy of thought and expression that was the very spirit of the Comstock, which, like every other frontier mining camp, was just on a more extravagant and overwhelming scale.

There was no uncertainty about the Comstock; the silver and gold were there. Flanking the foot of Mount Davidson, the towns of Gold Hill and Virginia and the long street between were fairly underburrowed and underpinned by the gigantic mining construction of that opulent lode whose treasures were actually glutting the mineral markets of the world. The streets overhead seethed and swarmed with miners, mine owners, and adventurers—riotous, rollicking children of fortune, always ready to drink and make merry, as eager in their pursuit of pleasure as of gold. Comstockers would always laugh at a joke; the rougher the better. The town of Virginia itself was just a huge joke to most of them. Everybody had, money; everybody wanted to laugh and have a good time. The Enterprise, “Comstock to the backbone,” did what it could to help things along.

There was no doubt about the Comstock; the silver and gold were definitely there. At the foot of Mount Davidson, the towns of Gold Hill and Virginia, along with the long street connecting them, were practically burrowed and supported by the massive mining operations of that rich lode, whose treasures were flooding the mineral markets worldwide. The streets above were alive with miners, mine owners, and adventurers—rowdy, carefree fortune seekers, always ready to drink and party, just as eager for fun as they were for gold. Comstockers always appreciated a good joke; the rougher, the better. The town of Virginia was just a big joke to most of them. Everyone had money; everyone wanted to laugh and enjoy life. The Enterprise, "Comstock to the backbone," did everything it could to keep the good times rolling.

It was a sort of free ring, with every one for himself. Goodman let the boys write and print in accordance with their own ideas and upon any subject. Often they wrote of each other—squibs and burlesques, which gratified the Comstock far more than mere news.—[The indifference to 'news' was noble—none the less so because it was so blissfully unconscious. Editors Mark or Dan would dismiss a murder with a couple of inches and sit down and fill up a column with a fancy sketch: “Arthur McEwen”]—It was the proper class-room for Mark Twain, an encouraging audience and free utterance: fortune could have devised nothing better for him than that.

It was like a free-for-all, where everyone looked out for themselves. Goodman let the boys write and publish whatever they wanted, on any topic. A lot of the time, they wrote about each other—funny pieces and parodies, which pleased Comstock way more than just regular news. The indifference to 'news' was impressive—not any less so because it was completely unconscious. Editors Mark or Dan would brush off a murder in a few lines and then fill a whole column with a creative piece: “Arthur McEwen.” It was the perfect environment for Mark Twain, with a supportive audience and the freedom to express himself: nothing could have been better for him.

He was peculiarly fitted for the position. Unspoiled humanity appealed to him, and the Comstock presented human nature in its earliest landscape forms. Furthermore, the Comstock was essentially optimistic—so was he; any hole in the ground to him held a possible, even a probable, fortune.

He was uniquely suited for the role. He was drawn to untainted humanity, and the Comstock showcased human nature in its most primitive forms. Moreover, the Comstock had an inherently optimistic vibe—and so did he; to him, any hole in the ground held a potential, even likely, fortune.

His pilot memory became a valuable asset in news-gathering. Remembering marks, banks, sounding, and other river detail belonged apparently in the same category of attainments as remembering items and localities of news. He could travel all day without a note-book and at night reproduce the day's budget or at least the picturesqueness of it, without error. He was presently accounted a good reporter, except where statistics—measurements and figures—were concerned. These he gave “a lick and a promise,” according to De Quille, who wrote afterward of their associations. De Quille says further:

His pilot memory became a valuable asset in gathering news. Remembering landmarks, banks, depths, and other river details clearly fell into the same category as recalling items and locations relevant to news. He could travel all day without a notebook and at night, could recreate the day's events or at least the highlights of them, without making mistakes. He was generally considered a good reporter, except when it came to statistics—measurements and numbers. For those, he would give “a lick and a promise,” according to De Quille, who later wrote about their experiences together. De Quille adds further:

    Mark and I agreed well in our work, which we divided when there was
    a rush of events; but we often cruised in company, he taking the
    items of news he could handle best, and I such as I felt competent
    to work up. However, we wrote at the same table and frequently
    helped each other with such suggestions as occurred to us during the
    brief consultations we held in regard to the handling of any matters
    of importance. Never was there an angry word between us in all the
    time we worked together.
    Mark and I worked really well together. We divided our tasks when things got hectic, but we often collaborated, with him tackling the news stories he was best at, and me handling the ones I felt confident with. We wrote at the same table and regularly helped each other out with suggestions during our quick discussions about important topics. There was never a harsh word between us throughout the time we worked together.

De Quille tells how Clemens clipped items with a knife when there were no scissors handy, and slashed through on the top of his desk, which in time took on the semblance “of a huge polar star, spiritedly dashing forth a thousand rays.”

De Quille shares how Clemens used a knife to cut things when there were no scissors around, and he made quick cuts on the surface of his desk, which eventually looked “like a huge polar star, energetically shooting out a thousand rays.”

The author of 'Roughing It' has given us a better picture of the Virginia City of those days and his work there than any one else will ever write. He has made us feel the general spirit of affluence that prevailed; how the problem was not to get money, but to spend it; how “feet” in any one of a hundred mines could be had for the asking; how such shares were offered like apples or cigars or bonbons, as a natural matter of courtesy when one happened to have his supply in view; how any one connected with a newspaper would have stocks thrust upon him, and how in a brief time he had acquired a trunk ful of such riches and usually had something to sell when any of the claims made a stir on the market. He has told us of the desperadoes and their trifling regard for human life, and preserved other elemental characters of these prodigal days. The funeral of Buck Fanshaw that amazing masterpiece—is a complete epitome of the social frontier.

The author of 'Roughing It' has provided us with a clearer picture of Virginia City during that time and his experiences there than anyone else ever could. He captures the overall sense of wealth that was common; how the challenge wasn't making money but spending it; how “feet” in any of a hundred mines were readily available for the asking; how shares were offered like apples, cigars, or candies, just as a matter of course when someone had them on hand; how anyone associated with a newspaper would have stocks pushed on them, and how, in no time, they’d have a trunk full of such wealth and typically something to sell whenever any of the claims gained attention in the market. He shares stories of the outlaws and their casual disregard for human life, preserving other basic aspects of those lavish times. The funeral of Buck Fanshaw—an incredible masterpiece—is a complete summary of the social frontier.

It would not be the part of wisdom to attempt another inclusive presentation of Comstock conditions. We may only hope to add a few details of history, justified now by time and circumstances, to supplement the picture with certain data of personality preserved from the drift of years.

It wouldn't be wise to try to provide another comprehensive overview of Comstock conditions. We can only hope to add some historical details, now relevant due to the passage of time and circumstances, to enhance the picture with certain aspects of personality that have been preserved through the years.





XXXVIII. ONE OF THE “STAFF”

The new reporter found acquaintance easy. The office force was like one family among which there was no line of caste. Proprietors, editors, and printers were social equals; there was little ceremony among them—none at all outside of the office.—[“The paper went to press at two in the morning, then all the staff and all the compositors gathered themselves together in the composing-room and drank beer and sang the popular war-songs of the day until dawn.”—S. L. C., in 1908.]—Samuel Clemens immediately became “Sam,” or “Josh,” to his associates, just as De Quille was “Dan” and Goodman “Joe.” He found that he disliked the name of Josh, and, as he did not sign it again, it was presently dropped. The office, and Virginia City generally, quickly grew fond of him, delighting in his originality and measured speech. Enterprise readers began to identify his work, then unsigned, and to enjoy its fresh phrasing, even when it was only the usual local item or mining notice. True to its name and reputation, the paper had added a new attraction.

The new reporter easily made friends. The office staff was like one big family with no social hierarchy. Owners, editors, and printers were treated as equals; there was hardly any formality between them—none at all outside the office. —[“The paper went to press at two in the morning, then all the staff and all the compositors gathered in the composing room and drank beer and sang the popular war songs of the day until dawn.” —S. L. C., in 1908.]—Samuel Clemens quickly became “Sam” or “Josh” to his coworkers, just like De Quille was “Dan” and Goodman was “Joe.” He realized he didn’t like the name Josh, and since he didn’t use it again, it was soon dropped. The office, and Virginia City in general, quickly grew fond of him, appreciating his originality and measured way of speaking. Readers of the Enterprise began to recognize his work, even when it was unsigned, and enjoyed his fresh phrasing, even when it was just the usual local news or mining notices. Staying true to its name and reputation, the paper had introduced a new appeal.

It was only a brief time after his arrival in Virginia City that Clemens began the series of hoaxes which would carry his reputation, not always in an enviable fashion, across the Sierras and down the Pacific coast. With one exception these are lost to-day, for so far as known there is not a single file of the Enterprise in existence. Only a few stray copies and clippings are preserved, but we know the story of some of these literary pranks and of their results. They were usually intended as a special punishment of some particular individual or paper or locality; but victims were gathered by the wholesale in their seductive web. Mark Twain himself, in his book of Sketches, has set down something concerning the first of these, “The Petrified Man,” and of another, “My Bloody Massacre,” but in neither case has he told it all. “The Petrified Man” hoax was directed at an official named Sewall, a coroner and justice of the peace at Humboldt, who had been pompously indifferent in the matter of supplying news. The story, told with great circumstance and apparent care as to detail, related the finding of a petrified prehistoric man, partially imbedded in a rock, in a cave in the desert more than one hundred miles from Humboldt, and how Sewall had made the perilous five-day journey in the alkali waste to hold an inquest over a man that had been dead three hundred years; also how, “with that delicacy so characteristic of him,” Sewall had forbidden the miners from blasting him from his position. The account further stated that the hands of the deceased were arranged in a peculiar fashion; and the description of the arrangement was so skilfully woven in with other matters that at first, or even second, reading one might not see that the position indicated was the ancient one which begins with the thumb at the nose and in many ages has been used impolitely to express ridicule and the word “sold.” But the description was a shade too ingenious. The author expected that the exchanges would see the jolt and perhaps assist in the fun he would have with Sewall. He did not contemplate a joke on the papers themselves. As a matter of fact, no one saw the “sell” and most of the papers printed his story of the petrified man as a genuine discovery. This was a surprise, and a momentary disappointment; then he realized that he had builded better than he knew. He gathered up a bundle of the exchanges and sent them to Sewall; also he sent marked copies to scientific men in various parts of the United States. The papers had taken it seriously; perhaps the scientists would. Some of them did, and Sewall's days became unhappy because of letters received asking further information. As literature, the effort did not rank high, and as a trick on an obscure official it was hardly worth while; but, as a joke on the Coast exchanges and press generally, it was greatly regarded and its author, though as yet unnamed, acquired prestige.

It was only a short time after his arrival in Virginia City that Clemens started a series of pranks that would carry his reputation, not always positively, across the Sierras and down the Pacific coast. With one exception, these are lost today, as there seems to be no surviving file of the Enterprise. Only a few stray copies and clippings remain, but we know the stories behind some of these literary tricks and their consequences. They were usually aimed at punishing a specific person, publication, or place, but victims were often caught up in their alluring trap. Mark Twain himself, in his book of Sketches, has mentioned the first of these, “The Petrified Man,” and another, “My Bloody Massacre,” but in neither case has he shared the entire story. The “Petrified Man” hoax targeted an official named Sewall, who was a coroner and justice of the peace in Humboldt, and who had been pompously indifferent about providing news. The story, told with great detail and apparent care, described the discovery of a petrified prehistoric man, partially embedded in a rock, in a cave in the desert more than a hundred miles from Humboldt, and how Sewall undertook the dangerous five-day journey through the alkali wasteland to hold an inquest over a man who had been dead for three hundred years; it also included how, “with the delicacy characteristic of him,” Sewall had prohibited the miners from blasting him out of his position. The account went on to say that the deceased’s hands were arranged in a peculiar way, and the description of this arrangement was so skillfully combined with other details that at first, or even second, reading, one might not notice that the pose indicated was the ancient gesture that starts with the thumb at the nose, often used rudely to express mockery and the word “sold.” However, the description was a bit too clever. The author expected that the exchanges would catch on and perhaps help enable the fun he would have with Sewall. He didn’t anticipate a joke on the papers themselves. In reality, no one recognized the “sell,” and most papers printed his story of the petrified man as a genuine discovery. This was a surprise and a temporary disappointment; then he realized he had done better than he intended. He gathered a bundle of the exchanges and sent them to Sewall; he also sent marked copies to scientists across the United States. The papers had taken it seriously; perhaps the scientists would too. Some did, and Sewall became distressed from the letters he received asking for more information. As literature, the effort didn’t hold much weight, and as a trick on an obscure official, it was hardly significant; but as a joke on the Coast exchanges and the press in general, it was highly regarded, and its author, though still unnamed, gained prestige.

Inquiries began to be made as to who was the smart chap in Virginia that did these things. The papers became wary and read Enterprise items twice before clipping them. Clemens turned his attention to other matters to lull suspicion. The great “Dutch Nick Massacre” did not follow until a year later.

Questions started popping up about who the clever guy in Virginia was that pulled these stunts. The newspapers got cautious and read Enterprise articles twice before clipping them. Clemens focused on other things to ease the suspicion. The infamous “Dutch Nick Massacre” didn’t happen until a year later.

Reference has already been made to the Comstock's delight in humor of a positive sort. The practical joke was legal tender in Virginia. One might protest and swear, but he must take it. An example of Comstock humor, regarded as the finest assay, is an incident still told of Leslie Blackburn and Pat Holland, two gay men about town. They were coming down C Street one morning when they saw some fine watermelons on a fruit-stand at the International Hotel corner. Watermelons were rare and costly in that day and locality, and these were worth three dollars apiece. Blackburn said:

Reference has already been made to the Comstock's enjoyment of positive humor. Practical jokes were common currency in Virginia. One could complain and curse, but they had to accept it. A classic example of Comstock humor, considered the best story, involves Leslie Blackburn and Pat Holland, two well-known gay men in town. One morning, as they walked down C Street, they spotted some beautiful watermelons at a fruit stand on the corner of the International Hotel. Watermelons were rare and expensive in that time and place, priced at three dollars each. Blackburn said:

“Pat, let's get one of those watermelons. You engage that fellow in conversation while I stand at the corner, where I can step around out of sight easily. When you have got him interested, point to something on the back shelf and pitch me a melon.”

“Pat, let's grab one of those watermelons. You talk to that guy while I hang out at the corner, where I can duck out of sight easily. Once you've got him interested, point to something on the back shelf and toss me a melon.”

This appealed to Holland, and he carried out his part of the plan perfectly; but when he pitched the watermelon Blackburn simply put his hands in his pockets, and stepped around the corner, leaving the melon a fearful disaster on the pavement. It was almost impossible for Pat to explain to the fruit-man why he pitched away a three-dollar melon like that even after paying for it, and it was still more trying, also more expensive, to explain to the boys facing the various bars along C Street.

This caught Holland's interest, and he executed his part of the plan flawlessly; but when he threw the watermelon, Blackburn just put his hands in his pockets and walked around the corner, leaving the melon as a total mess on the pavement. It was nearly impossible for Pat to explain to the fruit vendor why he tossed a three-dollar melon like that after buying it, and it was even more difficult, and costly, to explain to the guys hanging out at the bars along C Street.

Sam Clemens, himself a practical joker in his youth, found a healthy delight in this knock-down humor of the Comstock. It appealed to his vigorous, elemental nature. He seldom indulged physically in such things; but his printed squibs and hoaxes and his keen love of the ridiculous placed him in the joker class, while his prompt temper, droll manner, and rare gift of invective made him an enticing victim.

Sam Clemens, who was a prankster in his younger days, took great pleasure in the down-to-earth humor of the Comstock. It resonated with his lively, raw personality. He didn’t often engage in such antics physically; however, his written jokes and hoaxes, along with his sharp sense of humor, put him in the joker category. His quick temper, quirky style, and unique talent for witty insults also made him an appealing target.

Among the Enterprise compositors was one by the name of Stephen E. Gillis (Steve, of course—one of the “fighting Gillises”), a small, fearless young fellow, handsome, quick of wit, with eyes like needle-points.

Among the Enterprise compositors was a guy named Stephen E. Gillis (Steve, of course—one of the “fighting Gillises”), a small, fearless young man, attractive, quick-witted, with eyes like needle points.

“Steve weighed only ninety-five pounds,” Mark Twain once wrote of him, “but it was well known throughout the Territory that with his fists he could whip anybody that walked on two legs, let his weight and science be what they might.”

“Steve weighed only ninety-five pounds,” Mark Twain once wrote of him, “but it was well known throughout the Territory that with his fists he could beat anyone who walked on two legs, no matter their weight or skill level.”

Clemens was fond of Steve Gillis from the first. The two became closely associated in time, and were always bosom friends; but Steve was a merciless joker, and never as long as they were together could he “resist the temptation of making Sam swear,” claiming that his profanity was grander than any music.

Clemens really liked Steve Gillis from the start. Over time, they grew very close and were always best friends; however, Steve was relentless with his jokes and, as long as they were together, couldn't resist the urge to make Sam curse, insisting that his swearing was more impressive than any music.

A word hereabout Mark Twain's profanity. Born with a matchless gift of phrase, the printing-office, the river, and the mines had developed it in a rare perfection. To hear him denounce a thing was to give one the fierce, searching delight of galvanic waves. Every characterization seemed the most perfect fit possible until he applied the next. And somehow his profanity was seldom an offense. It was not mere idle swearing; it seemed always genuine and serious. His selection of epithet was always dignified and stately, from whatever source—and it might be from the Bible or the gutter. Some one has defined dirt as misplaced matter. It is perhaps the greatest definition ever uttered. It is absolutely universal in its application, and it recurs now, remembering Mark Twain's profanity. For it was rarely misplaced; hence it did not often offend. It seemed, in fact, the safety-valve of his high-pressure intellectual engine. When he had blown off he was always calm, gentle; forgiving, and even tender. Once following an outburst he said, placidly:

A word about Mark Twain's swearing. Born with a unique gift for words, his experiences in the printing office, on the river, and in the mines refined it to a rare perfection. Hearing him criticize something was like feeling the thrilling jolt of electric waves. Every description seemed to be the perfect fit until he came up with the next one. His swearing was rarely offensive. It wasn't just mindless cursing; it always felt authentic and serious. His choice of words was consistently dignified and impressive, whether it came from religious texts or the streets. Someone has described dirt as misplaced matter, and that's possibly the best definition out there. It applies universally and is especially relevant when remembering Twain's swearing. It was seldom misplaced, so it didn't usually offend. In fact, it seemed like the safety valve for his highly charged intellect. After venting, he would always be calm, gentle, forgiving, and even tender. Once, after an outburst, he said, peacefully:

“In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.”

“In some tough situations, urgent situations, desperate situations, cursing provides a relief that's not even found in prayer.”

It seems proper to add that it is not the purpose of this work to magnify or modify or excuse that extreme example of humankind which forms its chief subject; but to set him down as he was inadequately, of course, but with good conscience and clear intent.

It seems appropriate to add that the goal of this work isn't to glorify, change, or justify that extreme example of humanity which is its main focus; rather, it's to portray him as he was—though inadequately, of course—but with good intentions and a clear purpose.

Led by Steve Gillis, the Enterprise force used to devise tricks to set him going. One of these was to hide articles from his desk. He detested the work necessary to the care of a lamp, and wrote by the light of a candle. To hide “Sam's candle” was a sure way to get prompt and vigorous return. He would look for it a little; then he would begin a slow, circular walk—a habit acquired in the limitations of the pilot-house—and his denunciation of the thieves was like a great orchestration of wrong. By and by the office boy, supposedly innocent, would find another for him, and all would be forgotten. He made a placard, labeled with fearful threats and anathemas, warning any one against touching his candle; but one night both the placard and the candle were gone.

Led by Steve Gillis, the Enterprise crew used to come up with tricks to get him going. One of these was to hide things from his desk. He hated the work involved in caring for a lamp and wrote by candlelight. Hiding “Sam's candle” was a guaranteed way to get a quick and strong reaction. He would search for it for a bit, then start a slow, circular walk—a habit he’d picked up from the confines of the pilot house—and his complaints about the thieves were like a grand symphony of injustice. Eventually, the office boy, who seemed innocent, would find another candle for him, and everything would be forgotten. He made a sign, filled with dire warnings and curses, telling everyone not to touch his candle; but one night, both the sign and the candle disappeared.

Now, among his Virginia acquaintances was a young minister, a Mr. Rising, “the fragile, gentle new fledgling” of the Buck Fanshaw episode. Clemens greatly admired Mr. Rising's evident sincerity, and the young minister had quickly recognized the new reporter's superiority of mind. Now and then he came to the office to call on him. Unfortunately, he happened to step in just at that moment when, infuriated by the latest theft of his property, Samuel Clemens was engaged in his rotary denunciation of the criminals, oblivious of every other circumstance. Mr. Rising stood spellbound by this, to him, new phase of genius, and at last his friend became dimly aware of him. He did not halt in his scathing treadmill and continued in the slow monotone of speech:

Now, among his Virginia friends was a young minister, Mr. Rising, “the delicate, kind new guy” from the Buck Fanshaw incident. Clemens greatly admired Mr. Rising's obvious sincerity, and the young minister quickly recognized the new reporter's superior intellect. Occasionally, he came by the office to visit him. Unfortunately, he arrived just at that moment when, furious about the latest theft of his property, Samuel Clemens was deeply engrossed in his passionate denunciation of the criminals, completely unaware of anything else around him. Mr. Rising was spellbound by this, what he saw as, new side of genius, and eventually, his friend vaguely noticed him. He didn’t stop his scathing rant and continued in a slow, monotonous tone:

“I know, Mr. Rising, I know it's wicked to talk like this; I know it is wrong. I know I shall certainly go to hell for it. But if you had a candle, Mr. Rising, and those thieves should carry it off every night, I know that you would say, just as I say, Mr. Rising, G-d d—n their impenitent souls, may they roast in hell for a million years.”

“I get it, Mr. Rising, I know it’s wrong to talk like this; I know it’s bad. I know I’ll definitely end up in hell for it. But if you had a candle, Mr. Rising, and those thieves took it every night, I know you’d say, just like I do, Mr. Rising, damn their unrepentant souls, may they burn in hell for a million years.”

The little clergyman caught his breath.

The young clergyman took a deep breath.

“Maybe I should, Mr. Clemens,” he replied, “but I should try to say, 'Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do.'”

“Maybe I should, Mr. Clemens,” he replied, “but I should try to say, 'Forgive them, Father, they don't know what they're doing.'”

“Oh, well! if you put it on the ground that they are just fools, that alters the case, as I am one of that class myself. Come in and we'll try to forgive them and forget about it.”

“Oh, well! If you see it as them just being foolish, that changes things since I’m one of those myself. Come in, and we'll try to forgive them and move on.”

Mark Twain had a good many experiences with young ministers. He was always fond of them, and they often sought him out. Once, long afterward, at a hotel, he wanted a boy to polish his shoes, and had rung a number of times without getting any response. Presently, he thought he heard somebody approaching in the hall outside. He flung open the door, and a small, youngish-looking person, who seemed to have been hesitating at the door, made a movement as though to depart hastily. Clemens grabbed him by the collar.

Mark Twain had quite a few experiences with young ministers. He always liked them, and they often looked for him. One time, much later, at a hotel, he needed a boy to polish his shoes and had rung a few times without any response. Soon, he thought he heard someone coming down the hall outside. He swung open the door, and a small, somewhat young-looking person, who seemed to be hesitating at the door, made a move as if to leave quickly. Clemens grabbed him by the collar.

“Look here,” he said, “I've been waiting and ringing here for half an hour. Now I want you to take those shoes, and polish them, quick. Do you hear?”

“Look,” he said, “I’ve been waiting and ringing this bell for half an hour. Now, I want you to take those shoes and polish them, quickly. Do you understand?”

The slim, youthful person trembled a good deal, and said: “I would, Mr. Clemens, I would indeed, sir, if I could. But I'm a minister of the Gospel, and I'm not prepared for such work.”

The slim, young person trembled quite a bit and said, “I would, Mr. Clemens, I really would, sir, if I could. But I'm a minister of the Gospel, and I'm not ready for that kind of work.”





XXXIX. PHILOSOPHY AND POETRY

There was a side to Samuel Clemens that in those days few of his associates saw. This was the poetic, the philosophic, the contemplative side. Joseph Goodman recognized this phase of his character, and, while he perhaps did not regard it as a future literary asset, he delighted in it, and in their hours of quiet association together encouraged its exhibition. It is rather curious that with all his literary penetration Goodman did not dream of a future celebrity for Clemens. He afterward said:

There was a side to Samuel Clemens that, during that time, few of his friends noticed. This was his poetic, philosophical, and contemplative side. Joseph Goodman recognized this aspect of his character, and while he probably didn’t see it as a future literary strength, he enjoyed it and encouraged its expression during their quiet time together. It’s interesting that despite his keen literary insight, Goodman didn’t imagine that Clemens would become famous later on. He later said:

“If I had been asked to prophesy which of the two men, Dan de Quille or Sam, would become distinguished, I should have said De Quille. Dan was talented, industrious, and, for that time and place, brilliant. Of course, I recognized the unusualness of Sam's gifts, but he was eccentric and seemed to lack industry; it is not likely that I should have prophesied fame for him then.”

“If I had been asked to predict which of the two men, Dan de Quille or Sam, would become notable, I would have said De Quille. Dan was talented, hardworking, and, for that time and place, exceptional. I could see that Sam had unique abilities, but he was quirky and didn't seem very diligent; I probably wouldn't have predicted fame for him back then.”

Goodman, like MacFarlane in Cincinnati, half a dozen years before, though by a different method, discovered and developed the deeper vein. Often the two, dining together in a French restaurant, discussed life, subtler philosophies, recalled various phases of human history, remembered and recited the poems that gave them especial enjoyment. “The Burial of Moses,” with its noble phrasing and majestic imagery, appealed strongly to Clemens, and he recited it with great power. The first stanza in particular always stirred him, and it stirred his hearer as well. With eyes half closed and chin lifted, a lighted cigar between his fingers, he would lose himself in the music of the stately lines.

Goodman, similar to MacFarlane in Cincinnati six years earlier, discovered and developed a deeper insight, albeit through a different approach. Often, the two dined together at a French restaurant, where they talked about life, more nuanced philosophies, reminisced about different periods in human history, and shared their favorite poems. “The Burial of Moses,” with its elegant phrasing and grand imagery, resonated deeply with Clemens, and he recited it powerfully. The first stanza, in particular, always moved him and also captivated his listeners. With his eyes half closed and his chin raised, a lit cigar between his fingers, he would immerse himself in the rhythm of the impressive lines.

       By Nebo's lonely mountain,
       On this side Jordan's wave,
       In a vale in the land of Moab,
       There lies a lonely grave.

       And no man knows that sepulchre,
       And no man saw it e'er,
       For the angels of God, upturned the sod,
       And laid the dead man there.
       By Nebo's lonely mountain,  
       On this side of the Jordan River,  
       In a valley in the land of Moab,  
       There lies a solitary grave.  

       And no one knows that tomb,  
       And no one has ever seen it,  
       For the angels of God turned the earth,  
       And placed the deceased there.  

Another stanza that he cared for almost as much was the one beginning:

Another stanza that he cared for almost as much was the one starting:

       And had he not high honor
       —The hill-side for a pall,
       To lie in state while angels wait
       With stars for tapers tall,
       And the dark rock-pines, like tossing plumes,
       Over his bier to wave,
       And God's own hand in that lonely land,
       To lay him in the grave?
       And if he didn't have high honor
       —The hillside for a burial shroud,
       To lie in state while angels wait
       With stars as tall candles,
       And the dark rock pines, like waving plumes,
       Over his coffin to sway,
       And God's own hand in that lonely place,
       To lay him in the grave?

Without doubt he was moved to emulate the simple grandeur of that poem, for he often repeated it in those days, and somewhat later we find it copied into his notebook in full. It would seem to have become to him a sort of literary touchstone; and in some measure it may be regarded as accountable for the fact that in the fullness of time “he made use of the purest English of any modern writer.” These are Goodman's words, though William Dean Howells has said them, also, in substance, and Brander Matthews, and many others who know about such things. Goodman adds, “The simplicity and beauty of his style are almost without a parallel, except in the common version of the Bible,” which is also true. One is reminded of what Macaulay said of Milton:

He was definitely inspired to emulate the simple greatness of that poem, as he often recited it during that time, and later we find it fully copied into his notebook. It seems to have become a kind of literary benchmark for him; and to some extent, it can be seen as the reason why, in due time, “he used the purest English of any modern writer.” These are Goodman's words, though William Dean Howells and Brander Matthews, along with many others in the know, have said similar things. Goodman adds, “The simplicity and beauty of his style are almost unmatched, except in the King James Version of the Bible,” which is also true. It reminds one of what Macaulay said about Milton:

“There would seem at first sight to be no more in his words than in other words. But they are words of enchantment. No sooner are they pronounced than the past is present and the distance near. New forms of beauty start at once into existence, and all the burial-places of the memory give up their dead.”

“At first glance, his words might seem like any others. But they are magical. The moment they are spoken, the past feels alive and the distance shrinks. New types of beauty immediately come to life, and all the memories buried within rise up.”

One drifts ahead, remembering these things. The triumph of words, the mastery of phrases, lay all before him at the time of which we are writing now. He was twenty-seven. At that age Rudyard Kipling had reached his meridian. Samuel Clemens was still in the classroom. Everything came as a lesson-phrase, form, aspect, and combination; nothing escaped unvalued. The poetic phase of things particularly impressed him. Once at a dinner with Goodman, when the lamp-light from the chandelier struck down through the claret on the tablecloth in a great red stain, he pointed to it dramatically “Look, Joe,” he said, “the angry tint of wine.”

One drifts ahead, thinking about these things. The power of words and the skill of phrases lay before him at the time we're discussing now. He was twenty-seven. At that age, Rudyard Kipling had already reached his peak. Samuel Clemens was still in the classroom. Everything came as a lesson—phrase, form, aspect, and combination; nothing went unappreciated. The poetic side of things especially struck him. Once, at a dinner with Goodman, when the lamp-light from the chandelier fell through the claret on the tablecloth, creating a large red stain, he pointed to it dramatically and said, “Look, Joe, the angry tint of wine.”

It was at one of these private sessions, late in '62, that Clemens proposed to report the coming meeting of the Carson legislature. He knew nothing of such work and had small knowledge of parliamentary proceedings. Formerly it had been done by a man named Gillespie, but Gillespie was now clerk of the house. Goodman hesitated; then, remembering that whether Clemens got the reports right or not, he would at least make them readable, agreed to let him undertake the work.

It was during one of these private sessions, late in '62, that Clemens suggested covering the upcoming meeting of the Carson legislature. He had no experience with that kind of work and little understanding of parliamentary procedures. Previously, it had been done by a man named Gillespie, but Gillespie was now the clerk of the house. Goodman hesitated for a moment; then, thinking that even if Clemens didn't get the reports exactly right, he would at least make them enjoyable to read, he agreed to let him take on the task.





XL. “MARK TWAIN”

The early Nevada legislature was an interesting assembly. All State legislatures are that, and this was a mining frontier. No attempt can be made to describe it. It was chiefly distinguished for a large ignorance of procedure, a wide latitude of speech, a noble appreciation of humor, and plenty of brains. How fortunate Mask Twain was in his schooling, to be kept away from institutional training, to be placed in one after another of those universities of life where the sole curriculum is the study of the native inclinations and activities of mankind! Sometimes, in after-years, he used to regret the lack of systematic training. Well for him—and for us—that he escaped that blight.

The early Nevada legislature was quite a unique group. Every state legislature is, and this one was formed in a mining boom area. It's hard to fully describe. It was mainly known for its lack of knowledge about procedures, a lot of freedom in speech, a great sense of humor, and plenty of intelligence. How lucky Mark Twain was with his upbringing, being kept away from formal education and instead being immersed in those life experiences where the main lesson is studying people's natural behaviors and actions! Sometimes, later in life, he would wish he had received more structured education. But it was a good thing for him—and for us—that he avoided that limitation.

For the study of human nature the Nevada assembly was a veritable lecture-room. In it his understanding, his wit, his phrasing, his self-assuredness grew like Jack's bean-stalk, which in time was ready to break through into a land above the sky. He made some curious blunders in his reports, in the beginning; but he was so frank in his ignorance and in his confession of it that the very unsophistication of his early letters became their chief charm. Gillespie coached him on parliamentary matters, and in time the reports became technically as well as artistically good. Clemens in return christened Gillespie “Young, Jefferson's Manual,” a title which he bore, rather proudly indeed, for many years.

For studying human nature, the Nevada assembly was like a real classroom. In it, his understanding, wit, phrasing, and confidence grew like Jack's beanstalk, eventually reaching a new level of insight. He made some awkward mistakes in his reports at first, but his honesty about his ignorance made his early writings endearing. Gillespie taught him about parliamentary procedures, and over time, his reports became both technically and artistically impressive. Clemens, in turn, nicknamed Gillespie “Young, Jefferson's Manual,” a title he wore quite proudly for many years.

Another “entitlement” growing out of those early reports, and possibly less satisfactory to its owner, was the one accorded to Clement T. Rice, of the Virginia City Union. Rice knew the legislative work perfectly and concluded to poke fun at the Enterprise letters.

Another “entitlement” that emerged from those early reports, and which might be less satisfying to its holder, was the one granted to Clement T. Rice of the Virginia City Union. Rice was well-versed in the legislative process and decided to make fun of the Enterprise letters.

But this was a mistake. Clemens in his next letter declared that Rice's reports might be parliamentary enough, but that they covered with glittering technicalities the most festering mass of misstatement, and even crime. He avowed that they were wholly untrustworthy; dubbed the author of them “The Unreliable,” and in future letters never referred to him by any other term. Carson and the Comstock and the papers of the Coast delighted in this burlesque journalistic warfare, and Rice was “The Unreliable” for life.

But this was a mistake. In his next letter, Clemens stated that Rice's reports might be technically correct, but they were filled with flashy details that obscured a huge amount of misinformation and even wrongdoing. He declared that they were completely untrustworthy; he called the author “The Unreliable,” and from then on, he never referred to him by any other name in future letters. Carson, the Comstock, and the newspapers along the Coast enjoyed this mock journalistic battle, and Rice was “The Unreliable” for life.

Rice and Clemens, it should be said, though rivals, were the best of friends, and there was never any real animosity between them.

Rice and Clemens, although competitors, were the best of friends, and there was never any genuine animosity between them.

Clemens quickly became a favorite with the members; his sharp letters, with their amusing turn of phrase and their sincerity, won general friendship. Jack Simmons, speaker of the house, and Billy Clagget, the Humboldt delegation, were his special cronies and kept him on the inside of the political machine. Clagget had remained in Unionville after the mining venture, warned his Keokuk sweetheart, and settled down into politics and law. In due time he would become a leading light and go to Congress. He was already a notable figure of forceful eloquence and tousled, unkempt hair. Simmons, Clagget, and Clemens were easily the three conspicuous figures of the session.

Clemens quickly became a favorite among the members; his clever letters, with their funny phrasing and genuine tone, earned him widespread friendship. Jack Simmons, the speaker of the house, and Billy Clagget, from the Humboldt delegation, were his close friends and kept him in the loop of the political scene. Clagget had stayed in Unionville after the mining venture, warned his sweetheart from Keokuk, and settled into a life of politics and law. Eventually, he would become a prominent figure and head to Congress. He was already a well-known figure, known for his powerful speaking skills and messy, unkempt hair. Simmons, Clagget, and Clemens were clearly the three standout figures of the session.

It must have been gratifying to the former prospector and miner to come back to Carson City a person of consequence, where less than a year before he had been regarded as no more than an amusing indolent fellow, a figure to smile at, but unimportant. There is a photograph extant of Clemens and his friends Clagget and Simmons in a group, and we gather from it that he now arrayed himself in a long broadcloth cloak, a starched shirt, and polished boots. Once more he had become the glass of fashion that he had been on the river. He made his residence with Orion, whose wife and little daughter Jennie had by this time come out from the States. “Sister Mollie,” as wife of the acting governor, was presently social leader of the little capital; her brilliant brother-in-law its chief ornament. His merriment and songs and good nature made him a favorite guest. His lines had fallen in pleasant places; he could afford to smile at the hard Esmeralda days.

It must have felt great for the former prospector and miner to return to Carson City as a person of importance, especially since less than a year before, he had been seen as just a funny, lazy guy—someone to laugh at, but not taken seriously. There’s a photo of Clemens with his friends Clagget and Simmons in a group, and from it, we can see that he had dressed himself in a long broadcloth cloak, a starched shirt, and polished boots. He had once again become the fashionable man he had been on the river. He lived with Orion, whose wife and little daughter Jennie had by now come out from the States. “Sister Mollie,” as the wife of the acting governor, was quickly becoming the social leader of the small capital, with her brilliant brother-in-law being its main attraction. His laughter, songs, and cheerful personality made him a beloved guest. Things had turned out well for him; he could afford to look back and smile at the tough days in Esmeralda.

He was not altogether satisfied. His letters, copied and quoted all along the Coast, were unsigned. They were easily identified with one another, but not with a personality. He realized that to build a reputation it was necessary to fasten it to an individuality, a name.

He wasn't completely satisfied. His letters, copied and quoted all along the Coast, were unsigned. They were easily recognized as belonging to one another, but not to a specific person. He understood that to establish a reputation, it was important to tie it to an individual, a name.

He gave the matter a good deal of thought. He did not consider the use of his own name; the 'nom de plume' was the fashion of the time. He wanted something brief, crisp, definite, unforgettable. He tried over a good many combinations in his mind, but none seemed convincing. Just then—this was early in 1863—news came to him that the old pilot he had wounded by his satire, Isaiah Sellers, was dead. At once the pen-name of Captain Sellers recurred to him. That was it; that was the sort of name he wanted. It was not trivial; it had all the qualities—Sellers would never need it again. Clemens decided he would give it a new meaning and new association in this far-away land. He went up to Virginia City.

He thought about it a lot. He didn’t want to use his own name; using a pen name was trendy at the time. He wanted something short, sharp, clear, and memorable. He played around with a lot of combinations in his head, but none felt right. Just then—this was early in 1863—he heard that the old pilot he had mocked, Isaiah Sellers, had died. Suddenly, the pen name of Captain Sellers came to mind. That was it; that was the type of name he wanted. It wasn't silly; it had all the right qualities—Sellers would never use it again. Clemens decided to give it a fresh meaning and a new reputation in this distant place. He went up to Virginia City.

“Joe,” he said, to Goodman, “I want to sign my articles. I want to be identified to a wider audience.”

“Joe,” he said to Goodman, “I want to sign my articles. I want to reach a bigger audience.”

“All right, Sam. What name do you want to use 'Josh'?”

“All right, Sam. What name do you want to go by, 'Josh'?”

“No, I want to sign them 'Mark Twain.' It is an old river term, a leads-man's call, signifying two fathoms—twelve feet. It has a richness about it; it was always a pleasant sound for a pilot to hear on a dark night; it meant safe water.”

“No, I want to sign them 'Mark Twain.' It’s an old river term, a call from a leadsman, meaning two fathoms—twelve feet. There’s something rich about it; it was always a comforting sound for a pilot to hear on a dark night; it meant safe water.”

He did not then mention that Captain Isaiah Sellers had used and dropped the name. He was ashamed of his part in that episode, and the offense was still too recent for confession. Goodman considered a moment:

He didn't mention that Captain Isaiah Sellers had used and then dropped the name. He felt ashamed of his role in that situation, and the wrongdoing was still too fresh for him to confess. Goodman thought for a moment:

“Very well, Sam,” he said, “that sounds like a good name.”

“Alright, Sam,” he said, “that sounds like a great name.”

It was indeed a good name. In all the nomenclature of the world no more forceful combination of words could have been selected to express the man for whom they stood. The name Mark Twain is as infinite, as fundamental as that of John Smith, without the latter's wasting distribution of strength. If all the prestige in the name of John Smith were combined in a single individual, its dynamic energy might give it the carrying power of Mark Twain. Let this be as it may, it has proven the greatest 'nom de plume' ever chosen—a name exactly in accord with the man, his work, and his career.

It was definitely a great name. In all the names in the world, you couldn't find a better combination of words to represent the man it stands for. The name Mark Twain is as significant and fundamental as John Smith, but without the latter's diluted strength. If all the prestige of the name John Smith were combined into one person, its energy might match the impact of Mark Twain. Regardless, it has turned out to be the greatest pen name ever chosen—a name that perfectly fits the man, his work, and his journey.

It is not surprising that Goodman did not recognize this at the moment. We should not guess the force that lies in a twelve-inch shell if we had never seen one before or heard of its seismic destruction. We should have to wait and see it fired, and take account of the result.

It’s not surprising that Goodman didn’t realize this at the time. We shouldn’t underestimate the power of a twelve-inch shell if we’ve never seen one or heard about its devastating impact. We’d have to wait and see it fired and take note of the outcome.

It was first signed to a Carson letter bearing date of February 2, 1863, and from that time was attached to all Samuel Clemens's work. The work was neither better nor worse than before, but it had suddenly acquired identification and special interest. Members of the legislature and friends in Virginia and Carson immediately began to address him as “Mark.” The papers of the Coast took it up, and within a period to be measured by weeks he was no longer “Sam” or “Clemens” or “that bright chap on the Enterprise,” but “Mark”—“Mark Twain.” No 'nom de plume' was ever so quickly and generally accepted as that. De Quille, returning from the East after an absence of several months, found his room and deskmate with the distinction of a new name and fame.

It was first signed to a Carson letter dated February 2, 1863, and from that point on, it was attached to all of Samuel Clemens's work. The work wasn't any better or worse than before, but it suddenly gained recognition and special interest. Members of the legislature and friends in Virginia and Carson quickly started calling him “Mark.” The newspapers along the Coast picked it up, and within a few weeks, he was no longer “Sam” or “Clemens” or “that bright guy on the Enterprise,” but “Mark”—“Mark Twain.” No pseudonym was ever accepted so quickly and broadly as that. De Quille, returning from the East after being away for several months, found his room and desk buddy with the distinction of a new name and fame.

It is curious that in the letters to the home folks preserved from that period there is no mention of his new title and its success. In fact, the writer rarely speaks of his work at all, and is more inclined to tell of the mining shares he has accumulated, their present and prospective values. However, many of the letters are undoubtedly missing. Such as have been preserved are rather airy epistles full of his abounding joy of life and good nature. Also they bear evidence of the renewal of his old river habit of sending money home—twenty dollars in each letter, with intervals of a week or so between.

It's interesting that in the letters to his family saved from that time, there’s no mention of his new title or its success. In fact, the writer hardly talks about his work at all and is more likely to share details about the mining shares he's collected, along with their current and potential values. However, many of the letters are definitely missing. The ones that have been kept are pretty lighthearted, filled with his overwhelming joy for life and good spirits. They also show that he’s returned to his old habit of sending money home—twenty dollars in each letter, with about a week or so in between.





XLI. THE CREAM OF COMSTOCK HUMOR

With the adjournment of the legislature, Samuel Clemens returned to Virginia City distinctly a notability—Mark Twain. He was regarded as leading man on the Enterprise—which in itself was high distinction on the Comstock—while his improved dress and increased prosperity commanded additional respect. When visitors of note came along—well-known actors, lecturers, politicians—he was introduced as one of the Comstock features which it was proper to see, along with the Ophir and Gould and Curry mines, and the new hundred-stamp quartz-mill.

With the legislature adjourned, Samuel Clemens returned to Virginia City clearly a celebrity—Mark Twain. He was seen as a key figure at the Enterprise—which was a significant honor on the Comstock—while his better clothing and growing wealth earned him even more respect. When distinguished visitors arrived—famous actors, speakers, politicians—he was introduced as one of the highlights of the Comstock that everyone should check out, alongside the Ophir and Gould and Curry mines, and the new hundred-stamp quartz mill.

He was rather grieved and hurt, therefore, when, after several collections had been taken up in the Enterprise office to present various members of the staff with meerschaum pipes, none had come to him. He mentioned this apparent slight to Steve Gillis:

He was quite upset and hurt, therefore, when, after several collections had been taken up in the Enterprise office to give various staff members meerschaum pipes, none were given to him. He brought up this apparent snub to Steve Gillis:

“Nobody ever gives me a meerschaum pipe,” he said, plaintively. “Don't I deserve one yet?”

“Nobody ever gives me a meerschaum pipe,” he said, sadly. “Don’t I deserve one yet?”

Unhappy day! To that remorseless creature, Steve Gillis, this was a golden opportunity for deviltry of a kind that delighted his soul. This is the story, precisely as Gillis himself told it to the writer of these annals more than a generation later:

Unhappy day! For that unfeeling guy, Steve Gillis, this was a golden chance for some wickedness that brought him joy. This is the story, just as Gillis himself recounted it to the writer of these accounts more than a generation later:

“There was a German kept a cigar store in Virginia City and always had a fine assortment of meerschaum pipes. These pipes usually cost anywhere from forty to seventy-five dollars.

“There was a German who owned a cigar store in Virginia City and always had a great selection of meerschaum pipes. These pipes usually cost between forty and seventy-five dollars.

“One day Denis McCarthy and I were walking by the old German's place, and stopped to look in at the display in the window. Among other things there was one large imitation meerschaum with a high bowl and a long stem, marked a dollar and a half.

“One day, Denis McCarthy and I were walking by the old German's place and stopped to check out the display in the window. Among other things, there was a large imitation meerschaum with a high bowl and a long stem, priced at a dollar and a half.”

“I decided that that would be just the pipe for Sam. We went in and bought it, also a very much longer stem. I think the stem alone cost three dollars. Then we had a little German-silver plate engraved with Mark's name on it and by whom presented, and made preparations for the presentation. Charlie Pope—[afterward proprietor of Pope's Theater, St. Louis]—was playing at the Opera House at the time, and we engaged him to make the presentation speech.

“I decided that would be the perfect pipe for Sam. We went in and bought it, along with a much longer stem. I think the stem alone cost three dollars. Then we had a small German-silver plate engraved with Mark's name on it and who it was from, and we made plans for the presentation. Charlie Pope—[later the owner of Pope's Theater, St. Louis]—was performing at the Opera House at the time, and we asked him to give the presentation speech.

“Then we let in Dan de Quille, Mark's closest friend, to act the part of Judas—to tell Mark privately that he, was going to be presented with a fine pipe, so that he could have a speech prepared in reply to Pope's. It was awful low-down in Dan. We arranged to have the affair come off in the saloon beneath the Opera House after the play was over.

“Then we let in Dan de Quille, Mark's closest friend, to play the role of Judas—to privately tell Mark that he was going to be presented with a nice pipe, so he could prepare a speech in response to Pope's. It was really sneaky of Dan. We set it up for the event to take place in the bar below the Opera House after the play ended."

“Everything went off handsomely; but it was a pretty remorseful occasion, and some of us had a hang-dog look; for Sam took it in such sincerity, and had prepared one of the most beautiful speeches I ever heard him make. Pope's presentation, too, was beautifully done. He told Sam how his friends all loved him, and that this pipe, purchased at so great an expense, was but a small token of their affection. But Sam's reply, which was supposed to be impromptu, actually brought the tears to the eyes of some of us, and he was interrupted every other minute with applause. I never felt so sorry for anybody.

“Everything went really well; but it was quite a bittersweet occasion, and some of us looked pretty downcast; because Sam took it so seriously and had prepared one of the most beautiful speeches I’ve ever heard him give. Pope's presentation was lovely, too. He told Sam how much his friends cared for him, and that this pipe, bought at such a high cost, was just a small sign of their affection. But Sam's response, which was supposed to be spontaneous, actually brought tears to some of our eyes, and he was interrupted with applause every couple of minutes. I’ve never felt so sorry for anyone.”

“Still, we were bent on seeing the thing through. After Sam's speech was finished, he ordered expensive wines—champagne and sparkling Moselle. Then we went out to do the town, and kept things going until morning to drown our sorrow.

“Still, we were determined to see it through. After Sam's speech wrapped up, he ordered some fancy wines—champagne and sparkling Moselle. Then we hit the town, keeping the party going until morning to wash away our sadness.

“Well, next day, of course, he started in to color the pipe. It wouldn't color any more than a piece of chalk, which was about all it was. Sam would smoke and smoke, and complain that it didn't seem to taste right, and that it wouldn't color. Finally Denis said to him one day:

“Well, the next day, of course, he started to color the pipe. It wouldn't color any more than a piece of chalk, which was about all it was. Sam would smoke and smoke, and complain that it didn't seem to taste right, and that it wouldn't color. Finally, Denis said to him one day:”

“'Oh, Sam, don't you know that's just a damned old egg-shell, and that the boys bought it for a dollar and a half and presented you with it for a joke?'

“'Oh, Sam, don’t you realize that’s just an old egg shell, and the guys bought it for a dollar fifty as a joke for you?'”

“Then Sam was furious, and we laid the whole thing on Dan de Quille. He had a thunder-cloud on his face when he started up for the Local Room, where Dan was. He went in and closed the door behind him, and locked it, and put the key in his pocket—an awful sign. Dan was there alone, writing at his table.

“Then Sam was really angry, and we blamed the whole situation on Dan de Quille. He had a stormy look on his face when he headed to the Local Room, where Dan was. He went in, closed the door behind him, locked it, and pocketed the key—an ominous sign. Dan was there by himself, writing at his table.”

“Sam said, 'Dan, did you know, when you invited me to make that speech, that those fellows were going to give me a bogus pipe?'

“Sam said, 'Dan, did you know that when you invited me to give that speech, those guys were going to give me a fake pipe?'”

“There was no way for Dan to escape, and he confessed. Sam walked up and down the floor, as if trying to decide which way to slay Dan. Finally he said:

“There was no way for Dan to get away, and he admitted it. Sam paced back and forth, as if he were figuring out how to deal with Dan. Finally, he said:

“'Oh, Dan, to think that you, my dearest friend, who knew how little money I had, and how hard I would work to prepare a speech that would show my gratitude to my friends, should be the traitor, the Judas, to betray me with a kiss! Dan, I never want to look on your face again. You knew I would spend every dollar I had on those pirates when I couldn't afford to spend anything; and yet you let me do it; you aided and abetted their diabolical plan, and you even got me to get up that damned speech to make the thing still more ridiculous.'

“'Oh, Dan, it's hard to believe that you, my closest friend, who knew how little money I had and how hard I worked to prepare a speech to show my gratitude to my friends, could be the one to betray me like this, just like Judas, with a kiss! Dan, I never want to see your face again. You knew I'd spend every dollar I had on those pirates, even when I couldn't afford to spend anything; and yet you let me do it; you supported their evil plan, and you even got me to write that damn speech to make it even more ridiculous.'”

“Of course Dan felt terribly, and tried to defend himself by saying that they were really going to present him with a fine pipe—a genuine one, this time. But Sam at first refused to be comforted; and when, a few days later, I went in with the pipe and said, 'Sam, here's the pipe the boys meant to give you all the time,' and tried to apologize, he looked around a little coldly, and said:

“Of course Dan felt awful and tried to defend himself by saying that they were actually going to give him a nice pipe—a real one this time. But Sam initially wouldn't be comforted; and when, a few days later, I came in with the pipe and said, 'Sam, here's the pipe the guys meant to give you all along,' and tried to apologize, he looked around a bit coldly and said:

“'Is that another of those bogus old pipes?'

“Is that another one of those fake old pipes?”

“He accepted it, though, and general peace was restored. One day, soon after, he said to me:

“He accepted it, though, and overall calm was restored. One day, shortly after, he said to me:

“'Steve, do you know that I think that that bogus pipe smokes about as well as the good one?'”

“'Steve, do you know that I think that fake pipe smokes about as well as the good one?'”

Many years later (this was in his home at Hartford, and Joe Goodman was present) Mark Twain one day came upon the old imitation pipe.

Many years later (this was at his home in Hartford, and Joe Goodman was there) Mark Twain one day discovered the old fake pipe.

“Joe,” he said, “that was a cruel, cruel trick the boys played on me; but, for the feeling I had during the moment when they presented me with that pipe and when Charlie Pope was making his speech and I was making my reply to it—for the memory of that feeling, now, that pipe is more precious to me than any pipe in the world!”

“Joe,” he said, “that was a really mean trick the guys pulled on me; but for how I felt in that moment when they gave me that pipe and when Charlie Pope was giving his speech and I was responding to it—for the memory of that feeling now, that pipe means more to me than any pipe in the world!”

Eighteen hundred and sixty-three was flood-tide on the Comstock. Every mine was working full blast. Every mill was roaring and crunching, turning out streams of silver and gold. A little while ago an old resident wrote:

Eighteen hundred and sixty-three was the peak season on the Comstock. Every mine was operating at full capacity. Every mill was buzzing and grinding, producing an abundance of silver and gold. Recently, an old resident wrote:

    When I close my eyes I hear again the respirations of hoisting-
    engines and the roar of stamps; I can see the “camels” after
    midnight packing in salt; I can see again the jam of teams on C
    Street and hear the anathemas of the drivers—all the mighty work
    that went on in order to lure the treasures from the deep chambers
    of the great lode and to bring enlightenment to the desert.
    When I close my eyes, I can still hear the sounds of the hoisting engines and the clatter of the stamping machines; I can picture the "camels" after midnight loading up with salt; I can visualize the traffic jam of teams on C Street and hear the curses from the drivers—all the hard work that went into extracting treasures from the deep veins of the great lode and bringing knowledge to the desert.

Those were lively times. In the midst of one of his letters home Mark Twain interrupts himself to say: “I have just heard five pistol-shots down the street—as such things are in my line, I will go and see about it,” and in a postscript added a few hours later:

Those were exciting times. In one of his letters home, Mark Twain pauses to say, “I just heard five gunshots down the street—since this is my kind of thing, I’m going to check it out,” and in a postscript added a few hours later:

    5 A.M. The pistol-shot did its work well. One man, a Jackson
    County Missourian, shot two of my friends (police officers) through
    the heart—both died within three minutes. The murderer's name is
    John Campbell.
5 A.M. The gunshot did its job. One man, a resident of Jackson County, Missouri, shot two of my friends (police officers) in the heart—both died within three minutes. The murderer's name is John Campbell.

“Mark and I had our hands full,” says De Quille, “and no grass grew under our feet.” In answer to some stray criticism of their policy, they printed a sort of editorial manifesto:

“Mark and I were really busy,” says De Quille, “and we didn’t waste any time.” In response to some random criticism of their approach, they published an editorial manifesto:

    Our duty is to keep the universe thoroughly posted concerning
    murders and street fights, and balls, and theaters, and pack-trains,
    and churches, and lectures, and school-houses, and city military
    affairs, and highway robberies, and Bible societies, and hay-wagons,
    and the thousand other things which it is in the province of local
    reporters to keep track of and magnify into undue importance for the
    instruction of the readers of a great daily newspaper.
    Our job is to keep everyone updated about murders and street fights, parties, theaters, supply trains, churches, lectures, schools, local military events, highway robberies, Bible study groups, hay trucks, and countless other things that local reporters are supposed to monitor and blow out of proportion for the benefit of readers of a major daily newspaper.

It is easy to recognize Mark Twain's hand in that compendium of labor, which, in spite of its amusing apposition, was literally true, and so intended, probably with no special thought of humor in its construction. It may be said, as well here as anywhere, that it was not Mark Twain's habit to strive for humor. He saw facts at curious angles and phrased them accordingly. In Virginia City he mingled with the turmoil of the Comstock and set down what he saw and thought, in his native speech. The Comstock, ready to laugh, found delight in his expression and discovered a vast humor in his most earnest statements.

It's easy to see Mark Twain's influence in that collection of work, which, despite its entertaining framing, was completely true and likely intended without any particular thought of humor in its creation. It can be said, as well here as anywhere else, that it wasn't Mark Twain's style to pursue humor. He viewed facts from unique perspectives and expressed them accordingly. In Virginia City, he immersed himself in the chaos of the Comstock and recorded what he saw and felt, in his natural voice. The Comstock, eager to laugh, enjoyed his expressions and found a great deal of humor in his most serious remarks.

On the other hand, there were times when the humor was intended and missed its purpose. We have already recalled the instance of the “Petrified Man” hoax, which was taken seriously; but the “Empire City Massacre” burlesque found an acceptance that even its author considered serious for a time. It is remembered to-day in Virginia City as the chief incident of Mark Twain's Comstock career.

On the other hand, there were times when the humor was meant to be funny and just didn’t land. We've already mentioned the “Petrified Man” hoax, which was taken seriously; but the “Empire City Massacre” parody was accepted in a way that even its creator thought was serious for a while. Today, it’s remembered in Virginia City as the main event of Mark Twain's time in the Comstock.

This literary bomb really had two objects, one of which was to punish the San Francisco Bulletin for its persistent attacks on Washoe interests; the other, though this was merely incidental, to direct an unpleasant attention to a certain Carson saloon, the Magnolia, which was supposed to dispense whisky of the “forty rod” brand—that is, a liquor warranted to kill at that range. It was the Bulletin that was to be made especially ridiculous. This paper had been particularly disagreeable concerning the “dividend-cooking” system of certain of the Comstock mines, at the same time calling invidious attention to safer investments in California stocks. Samuel Clemens, with “half a trunkful” of Comstock shares, had cultivated a distaste for California things in general: In a letter of that time he says:

This literary bomb served two main purposes. One was to punish the San Francisco Bulletin for its ongoing attacks on Washoe interests. The other, although just a side note, was to draw unwelcome attention to a particular Carson saloon, the Magnolia, known for serving “forty rod” whiskey—liquor that could supposedly kill you at that distance. The Bulletin was the primary target of ridicule. This paper had been especially critical of the “dividend-cooking” practices of some Comstock mines, while simultaneously promoting safer investments in California stocks. Samuel Clemens, holding “half a trunkful” of Comstock shares, had developed a dislike for California in general. In a letter from that period, he wrote:

“How I hate everything that looks or tastes or smells like California!” With his customary fickleness of soul, he was glorifying California less than a year later, but for the moment he could see no good in that Nazareth. To his great satisfaction, one of the leading California corporations, the Spring Valley Water Company, “cooked” a dividend of its own about this time, resulting in disaster to a number of guileless investors who were on the wrong side of the subsequent crash. This afforded an inviting opportunity for reprisal. With Goodman's consent he planned for the California papers, and the Bulletin in particular, a punishment which he determined to make sufficiently severe. He believed the papers of that State had forgotten his earlier offenses, and the result would show he was not mistaken.

“How I hate everything that looks, tastes, or smells like California!” With his usual changeable nature, he was promoting California less than a year later, but for now, he saw no good in that place. To his delight, one of the top California companies, the Spring Valley Water Company, “cooked” its own dividend around this time, leading to disaster for many unsuspecting investors who were caught on the wrong side of the subsequent crash. This gave him a great chance for revenge. With Goodman's approval, he devised a plan for the California newspapers, especially the Bulletin, that he intended to make harsh. He believed the papers in that state had forgotten his past misdeeds, and he was confident the outcome would prove him right.

There was a point on the Carson River, four miles from Carson City, known as “Dutch Nick's,” and also as Empire City, the two being identical. There was no forest there of any sort nothing but sage-brush. In the one cabin there lived a bachelor with no household. Everybody in Virginia and Carson, of course, knew these things.

There was a spot on the Carson River, four miles from Carson City, called “Dutch Nick's,” which was also known as Empire City; they were the same place. There wasn’t any forest there, just sagebrush. In the single cabin, there lived a bachelor with no family. Everyone in Virginia and Carson knew these things, of course.

Mark Twain now prepared a most lurid and graphic account of how one Phillip Hopkins, living “just at the edge of the great pine forest which lies between Empire City and 'Dutch Nick's',” had suddenly gone insane and murderously assaulted his entire family consisting of his wife and their nine children, ranging in ages from one to nineteen years. The wife had been slain outright, also seven of the children; the other two might recover. The murder had been committed in the most brutal and ghastly fashion, after which Hopkins had scalped his wife, leaped on a horse, cut his own throat from ear to ear, and ridden four miles into Carson City, dropping dead at last in front of the Magnolia saloon, the red-haired scalp of his wife still clutched in his gory hand. The article further stated that the cause of Mr. Hopkins's insanity was pecuniary loss, he having withdrawn his savings from safe Comstock investments and, through the advice of a relative, one of the editors of the San Francisco Bulletin, invested them in the Spring Valley Water Company. This absurd tale with startling head-lines appeared in the Enterprise, in its issue of October 28, 1863.

Mark Twain now prepared a vivid and graphic account of how a man named Phillip Hopkins, living “just at the edge of the great pine forest between Empire City and 'Dutch Nick's',” suddenly went insane and violently attacked his entire family, which included his wife and their nine children, ages one to nineteen. His wife was killed immediately, along with seven of the children; the other two might survive. The murder was committed in a brutally horrific way, after which Hopkins scalped his wife, jumped on a horse, slit his own throat from ear to ear, and rode four miles into Carson City, ultimately collapsing in front of the Magnolia saloon, still gripping his wife's bloody scalp in his hand. The article also claimed that Mr. Hopkins's insanity was caused by financial loss, having pulled his savings from safe Comstock investments and, on the advice of a relative, who was one of the editors of the San Francisco Bulletin, investing them in the Spring Valley Water Company. This unbelievable story with shocking headlines appeared in the Enterprise on October 28, 1863.

It was not expected that any one in Virginia City or Carson City would for a moment take any stock in the wild invention, yet so graphic was it that nine out of ten on first reading never stopped to consider the entire impossibility of the locality and circumstance. Even when these things were pointed out many readers at first refused to confess themselves sold. As for the Bulletin and other California papers, they were taken-in completely, and were furious. Many of them wrote and demanded the immediate discharge of its author, announcing that they would never copy another line from the Enterprise, or exchange with it, or have further relations with a paper that had Mark Twain on its staff. Citizens were mad, too, and cut off their subscriptions. The joker was in despair.

No one in Virginia City or Carson City was expected to believe the outrageous claim, yet it was so vivid that nine out of ten people didn't even consider how impossible the location and situation were when they read it for the first time. Even when these issues were pointed out, many readers initially refused to admit they had been fooled. As for the Bulletin and other California newspapers, they were completely tricked and were furious. Many demanded the immediate firing of the author, stating they would never publish another line from the Enterprise, nor exchange any content with it, or have any further dealings with a paper that employed Mark Twain. The citizens were furious too and canceled their subscriptions. The prankster was in despair.

“Oh, Joe,” he said, “I have ruined your business, and the only reparation I can make is to resign. You can never recover from this blow while I am on the paper.”

“Oh, Joe,” he said, “I’ve messed up your business, and the only way I can make amends is to step down. You’ll never bounce back from this setback while I’m still here.”

“Nonsense,” replied Goodman. “We can furnish the people with news, but we can't supply them with sense. Only time can do that. The flurry will pass. You just go ahead. We'll win out in the long run.”

“Nonsense,” replied Goodman. “We can provide people with news, but we can't give them common sense. Only time can do that. The excitement will fade. You just keep going. We'll come out on top in the end.”

But the offender was in torture; he could not sleep. “Dan, Dan,” he said, “I am being burned alive on both sides of the mountains.”

But the offender was in agony; he couldn’t sleep. “Dan, Dan,” he said, “I feel like I’m being burned alive between the mountains.”

“Mark,” said Dan. “It will all blow over. This item of yours will be remembered and talked about when the rest of your Enterprise work is forgotten.”

“Mark,” Dan said. “This will all pass. People will remember and talk about this piece of yours long after the rest of your work at Enterprise is forgotten.”

Both Goodman and De Quille were right. In a month papers and people had forgotten their humiliation and laughed. “The Dutch Nick Massacre” gave to its perpetrator and to the Enterprise an added vogue. —[For full text of the “Dutch Nick” hoax see Appendix C, at the end of last volume: also, for an anecdote concerning a reporting excursion made by Alf. Doten and Mark Twain.]—

Both Goodman and De Quille were correct. In a month, the papers and the people had forgotten their embarrassment and were laughing about it. "The Dutch Nick Massacre" brought more fame to its perpetrator and to the Enterprise. —[For the full text of the "Dutch Nick" hoax, see Appendix C at the end of the last volume; also, for a story about a reporting trip taken by Alf. Doten and Mark Twain.]—





XLII REPORTORIAL DAYS.

Reference has already been made to the fashion among Virginia City papers of permitting reporters to use the editorial columns for ridicule of one another. This custom was especially in vogue during the period when Dan de Quille and Mark Twain and The Unreliable were the shining journalistic lights of the Comstock. Scarcely a week went by that some apparently venomous squib or fling or long burlesque assault did not appear either in the Union or the Enterprise, with one of those jokers as its author and another as its target. In one of his “home” letters of that year Mark Twain says:

Reference has already been made to the trend among Virginia City newspapers of allowing reporters to use the editorial sections to mock each other. This practice was especially popular during the time when Dan de Quille, Mark Twain, and The Unreliable were the prominent journalistic figures of the Comstock. Hardly a week went by without some biting jab, insult, or lengthy satirical attack appearing in either the Union or the Enterprise, with one of those writers as the author and another as the butt of the joke. In one of his "home" letters from that year, Mark Twain says:

    I have just finished writing up my report for the morning paper and
    giving The Unreliable a column of advice about how to conduct
    himself in church.
    I just finished writing my report for the morning paper and gave The Unreliable a column of advice on how to behave in church.

The advice was such as to call for a reprisal, but it apparently made no difference in personal relations, for a few weeks later he is with The Unreliable in San Francisco, seeing life in the metropolis, fairly swimming in its delights, unable to resist reporting them to his mother.

The advice was definitely a call for revenge, but it didn’t seem to affect personal relationships, because a few weeks later he was with The Unreliable in San Francisco, experiencing life in the big city, completely immersed in its pleasures, and unable to stop himself from telling his mother about them.

    We fag ourselves completely out every day and go to sleep without
    rocking every night. When I go down Montgomery Street shaking hands
    with Tom, Dick, and Harry, it is just like being on Main Street in
    Hannibal and meeting the old familiar faces. I do hate to go back
    to Washoe. We take trips across the bay to Oakland, and down to San
    Leandro and Alameda, and we go out to the Willows and Hayes Park and
    Fort Point, and up to Benicia; and yesterday we were invited out on
    a yachting excursion, and had a sail in the fastest yacht on the
    Pacific coast. Rice says: “Oh no—we are not having any fun, Mark
    —oh no—I reckon it's somebody else—it's probably the gentleman in
    the wagon” (popular slang phrase), and when I invite Rice to the
    Lick House to dinner the proprietor sends us champagne and claret,
    and then we do put on the most disgusting airs. The Unreliable says
    our caliber is too light—we can't stand it to be noticed.
We wear ourselves out every day and go to sleep without a care each night. When I walk down Montgomery Street shaking hands with Tom, Dick, and Harry, it feels just like being on Main Street in Hannibal and meeting all the familiar faces. I really don't want to go back to Washoe. We take trips across the bay to Oakland, down to San Leandro and Alameda, and we head out to the Willows and Hayes Park and Fort Point, and up to Benicia; and yesterday we were invited on a yachting trip and sailed on the fastest yacht on the Pacific coast. Rice says, “Oh no—we're not having any fun, Mark—oh no—I guess it's someone else—probably the guy in the wagon” (popular slang phrase), and when I invite Rice to dinner at the Lick House, the owner sends us champagne and claret, and then we really put on the most ridiculous airs. The Unreliable says our standards are too low—we can't handle being noticed.

Three days later he adds that he is going sorrowfully “to the snows and the deserts of Washoe,” but that he has “lived like a lord to make up for two years of privation.”

Three days later, he adds that he's going sadly “to the snows and the deserts of Washoe,” but that he has “lived like a king to make up for two years of hardship.”

Twenty dollars is inclosed in each of these letters, probably as a bribe to Jane Clemens to be lenient with his prodigalities, which in his youthful love of display he could not bring himself to conceal. But apparently the salve was futile, for in another letter, a month later, he complains that his mother is “slinging insinuations” at him again, such as “where did you get that money” and “the company I kept in San Francisco.” He explains:

Twenty dollars is included in each of these letters, probably as a bribe to Jane Clemens to be easygoing about his excessive spending, which in his youthful desire to show off he couldn't help but reveal. But apparently, the effort was pointless, because in another letter a month later, he complains that his mother is “throwing accusations” at him again, like “where did you get that money” and “the people I hung out with in San Francisco.” He explains:

    Why, I sold Wild Cat mining ground that was given me, and my credit
    was always good at the bank for $2,000 or $3,000, and I never gamble
    in any shape or manner, and never drink anything stronger than
    claret and lager beer, which conduct is regarded as miraculously
    temperate in this place. As for company, I went in the very best
    company to be found in San Francisco. I always move in the best
    society in Virginia and have a reputation to preserve.
    I sold the Wild Cat mining ground that I was given, and my credit at the bank was always solid for $2,000 or $3,000. I don't gamble at all, and I only drink claret and lager beer, which is considered surprisingly moderate around here. As for my social circle, I associate with the best people in San Francisco. I always mingle with the finest society in Virginia and have a reputation to maintain.

He closes by assuring her that he will be more careful in future and that she need never fear but that he will keep her expenses paid. Then he cannot refrain from adding one more item of his lavish life:

He ends by reassuring her that he will be more careful in the future and that she never has to worry because he will cover her expenses. Then he can’t help but add one more detail about his extravagant lifestyle:

“Put in my washing, and it costs me one hundred dollars a month to live.”

“Doing my laundry costs me a hundred dollars a month to live.”

De Quille had not missed the opportunity of his comrade's absence to payoff some old scores. At the end of the editorial column of the Enterprise on the day following his departure he denounced the absent one and his “protege,” The Unreliable, after the intemperate fashion of the day.

De Quille didn't miss the chance during his comrade's absence to settle some old scores. At the end of the editorial column of the Enterprise the day after his departure, he criticized the absent one and his “protege,” The Unreliable, in the harsh style typical of that time.

    It is to be regretted that such scrubs are ever permitted to visit
    the bay, as the inevitable effect will be to destroy that exalted
    opinion of the manners and morality of our people which was inspired
    by the conduct of our senior editor—[which is to say, Dan
    himself]—.
    It’s unfortunate that such lowlifes are ever allowed to visit the bay, as the inevitable result will be to tarnish that high regard for the manners and ethics of our people that was inspired by the behavior of our senior editor—[which means Dan himself]—.

The diatribe closed with a really graceful poem, and the whole was no doubt highly regarded by the Enterprise readers.

The rant ended with a beautifully crafted poem, and it was surely well-received by the readers of the Enterprise.

What revenge Mark Twain took on his return has not been recorded, but it was probably prompt and adequate; or he may have left it to The Unreliable. It was clearly a mistake, however, to leave his own local work in the hands of that properly named person a little later. Clemens was laid up with a cold, and Rice assured him on his sacred honor that he would attend faithfully to the Enterprise locals, along with his own Union items. He did this, but he had been nursing old injuries too long. What was Mark Twain's amazement on looking over the Enterprise next morning to find under the heading “Apologetic” a statement over his own nom de plume, purporting to be an apology for all the sins of ridicule to the various injured ones.

What revenge Mark Twain took on his return isn’t recorded, but it was probably immediate and sufficient; or he might have left it to The Unreliable. It was definitely a mistake to entrust his local work to that aptly named person a little later. Clemens was down with a cold, and Rice swore on his honor that he would take care of the Enterprise’s local stories, along with his own Union items. He did this, but he had been holding onto old grievances for too long. Mark Twain was shocked when he looked over the Enterprise the next morning and found under the heading “Apologetic” a statement in his own pen name, claiming to apologize for all the mockery directed at the various wronged parties.

    To Mayor Arick, Hon. Wm. Stewart, Marshal Perry, Hon. J. B. Winters,
    Mr. Olin, and Samuel Wetherill, besides a host of others whom we
    have ridiculed from behind the shelter of our reportorial position,
    we say to these gentlemen we acknowledge our faults, and, in all
    weakness and humility upon our bended marrow bones, we ask their
    forgiveness, promising that in future we will give them no cause for
    anything but the best of feeling toward us. To “Young Wilson” and
    The Unreliable (as we have wickedly termed them), we feel that no
    apology we can make begins to atone for the many insults we have
    given them. Toward these gentlemen we have been as mean as a man
    could be—and we have always prided ourselves on this base quality.
    We feel that we are the least of all humanity, as it were. We will
    now go in sack-cloth and ashes for the next forty days.
    To Mayor Arick, Hon. Wm. Stewart, Marshal Perry, Hon. J. B. Winters,
    Mr. Olin, and Samuel Wetherill, along with a bunch of others we've mocked from our comfortable reporter’s position, we want to say that we recognize our mistakes. With all our weaknesses and humility, on our knees, we ask for their forgiveness, promising that from now on, we will give them no reason for anything but good feelings toward us. To “Young Wilson” and The Unreliable (as we've unkindly called them), we feel that no apology we can offer begins to make up for the many insults we've hurled their way. We've acted as meanly as anyone could, and we've even taken pride in that low behavior. We feel like we are the worst of humanity, so to speak. We will now wear sackcloth and ashes for the next forty days.

This in his own paper over his own signature was a body blow; but it had the effect of curing his cold. He was back in the office forthwith, and in the next morning's issue denounced his betrayer.

This, in his own article with his own signature, was a major setback; but it ended up curing his cold. He was back in the office immediately, and in the next morning's issue, he called out his betrayer.

    We are to blame for giving The Unreliable an opportunity to
    misrepresent us, and therefore refrain from repining to any great
    extent at the result. We simply claim the right to deny the truth
    of every statement made by him in yesterday's paper, to annul all
    apologies he coined as coming from us, and to hold him up to public
    commiseration as a reptile endowed with no more intellect, no more
    cultivation, no more Christian principle than animates and adorns
    the sportive jackass-rabbit of the Sierras. We have done.
We have to take responsibility for giving The Unreliable a chance to misrepresent us, so we won’t complain too much about the outcome. We assert the right to deny the truth of every statement he made in yesterday’s paper, to reject all apologies he claimed were from us, and to show him to the public as a lowlife with no more intelligence, refinement, or Christian values than a playful jackass-rabbit of the Sierras. That’s all we’ll say.

These were the things that enlivened Comstock journalism. Once in a boxing bout Mark Twain got a blow on the nose which caused it to swell to an unusual size and shape. He went out of town for a few days, during which De Quille published an extravagant account of his misfortune, describing the nose and dwelling on the absurdity of Mark Twain's ever supposing himself to be a boxer.

These were the things that made Comstock journalism lively. One time in a boxing match, Mark Twain took a hit to the nose that made it swell up unusually. He left town for a few days, during which De Quille published an over-the-top report of his misfortune, describing the nose and emphasizing how ridiculous it was for Mark Twain to ever think he could be a boxer.

De Quille scored heavily with this item but his own doom was written. Soon afterward he was out riding and was thrown from his horse and bruised considerably.

De Quille did really well with this, but his fate was already sealed. Soon after, he went for a ride, got thrown off his horse, and ended up with some pretty bad bruises.

This was Mark's opportunity. He gave an account of Dan's disaster; then, commenting, he said:

This was Mark's chance. He recounted Dan's mishap; then, adding his thoughts, he said:

    The idea of a plebeian like Dan supposing he could ever ride a
    horse! He! why, even the cats and the chickens laughed when they
    saw him go by. Of course, he would be thrown off. Of course, any
    well-bred horse wouldn't let a common, underbred person like Dan
    stay on his back! When they gathered him up he was just a bag of
    scraps, but they put him together, and you'll find him at his old
    place in the Enterprise office next week, still laboring under the
    delusion that he's a newspaper man.
The thought of a regular guy like Dan thinking he could ever ride a horse! Seriously! Even the cats and chickens laughed when they saw him pass by. Of course, he would get thrown off. Of course, any well-bred horse wouldn’t let a common, underqualified person like Dan stay on its back! When they picked him up, he was just a mess, but they pieced him back together, and you'll see him back at his usual spot in the Enterprise office next week, still convinced that he's a newspaper man.

The author of 'Roughing It' tells of a literary periodical called the Occidental, started in Virginia City by a Mr. F. This was the silver-tongued Tom Fitch, of the Union, an able speaker and writer, vastly popular on the Coast. Fitch came to Clemens one day and said he was thinking of starting such a periodical and asked him what he thought of the venture. Clemens said:

The author of 'Roughing It' talks about a literary magazine called the Occidental, which was started in Virginia City by a Mr. F. This was the charismatic Tom Fitch from the Union, a skilled speaker and writer who was very popular on the Coast. Fitch approached Clemens one day and mentioned that he was considering launching such a magazine, asking for Clemens' opinion on the idea. Clemens responded:

“You would succeed if any one could, but start a flower-garden on the desert of Sahara; set up hoisting-works on Mount Vesuvius for mining sulphur; start a literary paper in Virginia City; h—l!”

“You would succeed if anyone could, but try starting a flower garden in the Sahara Desert; set up cranes on Mount Vesuvius to mine sulfur; launch a literary magazine in Virginia City; hell!”

Which was a correct estimate of the situation, and the paper perished with the third issue. It was of no consequence except that it contained what was probably the first attempt at that modern literary abortion, the composite novel. Also, it died too soon to publish Mark Twain's first verses of any pretension, though still of modest merit—“The Aged Pilot Man”—which were thereby saved for 'Roughing It.'

Which was an accurate assessment of the situation, and the paper shut down after the third issue. It didn't matter much except that it featured what was likely the first attempt at that modern literary failure, the composite novel. Plus, it closed too early to publish Mark Twain's first significant verses, though they were still of modest quality—“The Aged Pilot Man”—which were then saved for 'Roughing It.'

Visiting Virginia now, it seems curious that any of these things could have happened there. The Comstock has become little more than a memory; Virginia and Gold Hill are so quiet, so voiceless, as to constitute scarcely an echo of the past. The International Hotel, that once so splendid edifice, through whose portals the tide of opulent life then ebbed and flowed, is all but deserted now. One may wander at will through its dingy corridors and among its faded fripperies, seeking in vain for attendance or hospitality, the lavish welcome of a vanished day. Those things were not lacking once, and the stream of wealth tossed up and down the stair and billowed up C Street, an ebullient tide of metals and men from which millionaires would be struck out, and individuals known in national affairs. William M. Stewart who would one day become a United States Senator, was there, an unnoticed unit; and John Mackay and James G. Fair, one a senator by and by, and both millionaires, but poor enough then—Fair with a pick on his shoulder and Mackay, too, at first, though he presently became a mine superintendent. Once in those days Mark Twain banteringly offered to trade businesses with Mackay.

Visiting Virginia now, it's strange to think that any of these things could have happened here. The Comstock has faded into little more than a memory; Virginia and Gold Hill are so silent and lifeless that they barely seem to echo the past. The International Hotel, once a magnificent building where the flow of luxury life came and went, is nearly empty now. You can roam freely through its shabby hallways and among its worn decorations, searching in vain for any service or hospitality, the warm welcome of a bygone era. Those things used to exist, and the flow of wealth surged up and down the stairs and filled C Street, an energetic wave of metals and people that produced millionaires and individuals known nationally. William M. Stewart, who would eventually become a U.S. Senator, was there, a nameless face; and John Mackay and James G. Fair, one of whom would later be a senator and both of whom became millionaires, but were still struggling then—Fair with a pickaxe over his shoulder and Mackay at first too, although he soon became a mine superintendent. Back in those days, Mark Twain jokingly proposed swapping businesses with Mackay.

“No,” Mackay said, “I can't trade. My business is not worth as much as yours. I have never swindled anybody, and I don't intend to begin now.”

“No,” Mackay said, “I can't trade. My business isn't worth as much as yours. I've never cheated anyone, and I don't plan to start now.”

Neither of those men could dream that within ten years their names would be international property; that in due course Nevada would propose statues to their memory.

Neither of those men could have imagined that within ten years their names would become internationally recognized, and that eventually Nevada would suggest erecting statues in their honor.

Such things came out of the Comstock; such things spring out of every turbulent frontier.

Such things came out of the Comstock; such things arise from every chaotic frontier.





XLIII. ARTEMUS WARD

Madame Caprell's warning concerning Mark Twain's health at twenty-eight would seem to have been justified. High-strung and neurotic, the strain of newspaper work and the tumult of the Comstock had told on him. As in later life, he was subject to bronchial colds, and more than once that year he found it necessary to drop all work and rest for a time at Steamboat Springs, a place near Virginia City, where there were boiling springs and steaming fissures in the mountain-side, and a comfortable hotel. He contributed from there sketches somewhat more literary in form than any of his previous work. “Curing a Cold” is a more or less exaggerated account of his ills.

Madame Caprell's warning about Mark Twain's health at twenty-eight turned out to be right. He was high-strung and anxious, and the stress from newspaper work and the chaos of the Comstock took its toll on him. Just like in later years, he was prone to bronchial colds, and more than once that year, he had to stop all work and take some time to rest at Steamboat Springs, a spot near Virginia City with boiling springs and steaming fissures in the mountains, along with a comfortable hotel. From there, he produced sketches that were somewhat more literary in style than his earlier work. “Curing a Cold” is an exaggerated account of his illnesses.

    [Included in Sketches New and Old. “Information for the Million,”
     and “Advice to Good Little Girls,” included in the “Jumping Frog”
     Collection, 1867, but omitted from the Sketches, are also believed
    to belong to this period.]
[Included in Sketches New and Old. “Information for the Million,” and “Advice to Good Little Girls,” included in the “Jumping Frog” Collection, 1867, but left out of the Sketches, are also thought to belong to this period.]

A portion of a playful letter to his mother, written from the springs, still exists.

A part of a fun letter to his mom, written from the springs, still exists.

    You have given my vanity a deadly thrust. Behold, I am prone to
    boast of having the widest reputation as a local editor of any man
    on the Pacific coast, and you gravely come forward and tell me “if I
    work hard and attend closely to my business, I may aspire to a place
    on a big San Francisco daily some day.” There's a comment on human
    vanity for you! Why, blast it, I was under the impression that I
    could get such a situation as that any time I asked for it. But I
    don't want it. No paper in the United States can afford to pay me
    what my place on the Enterprise is worth. If I were not naturally a
    lazy, idle, good-for-nothing vagabond, I could make it pay me
    $20,000 a year. But I don't suppose I shall ever be any account. I
    lead an easy life, though, and I don't care a cent whether school
    keeps or not. Everybody knows me, and I fare like a prince wherever
    I go, be it on this side of the mountain or the other. And I am
    proud to say I am the most conceited ass in the Territory.

    You think that picture looks old? Well, I can't help it—in reality
    I'm not as old as I was when I was eighteen.
You’ve really knocked my ego. Look, I tend to brag about having the widest recognition as a local editor of anyone on the Pacific coast, and you seriously come and tell me, “if you work hard and focus on your job, maybe someday you can aim for a spot at a big San Francisco daily.” Talk about human vanity! Honestly, I thought I could get that kind of job anytime I wanted. But I don’t want it. No newspaper in the U.S. can pay me what my position at the Enterprise is worth. If I weren't naturally lazy and good-for-nothing, I could make it earn me $20,000 a year. But I doubt I’m ever going to amount to much. I live an easy life and I don’t care if school stays in session or not. Everyone knows me, and I get treated like royalty wherever I go, whether it’s this side of the mountain or the other. And I’m proud to say I’m the most conceited fool in the Territory.

You think that picture looks dated? Well, I can’t help it—in reality, I’m not as old as I was at eighteen.

Which was a true statement, so far as his general attitude was concerned. At eighteen, in New York and Philadelphia, his letters had been grave, reflective, advisory. Now they were mostly banter and froth, lightly indifferent to the serious side of things, though perhaps only pretendedly so, for the picture did look old. From the shock and circumstance of his brother's death he—had never recovered. He was barely twenty-eight. From the picture he might have been a man of forty.

Which was a true statement regarding his overall attitude. At eighteen, in New York and Philadelphia, his letters had been serious, thoughtful, and advisory. Now they were mostly playful and superficial, only pretending to disregard the serious side of things, even though the picture did look old. He had never recovered from the shock and aftermath of his brother's death. He was barely twenty-eight. From the picture, he could have easily been mistaken for a man of forty.

It was that year that Artemus Ward (Charles F. Browne) came to Virginia City. There was a fine opera-house in Virginia, and any attraction that billed San Francisco did not fail to play to the Comstock. Ward intended staying only a few days to deliver his lectures, but the whirl of the Comstock caught him like a maelstrom, and he remained three weeks.

It was that year that Artemus Ward (Charles F. Browne) arrived in Virginia City. There was a nice opera house in Virginia, and any show that promoted San Francisco was sure to be a hit on the Comstock. Ward planned to stay only a few days to give his lectures, but the excitement of the Comstock pulled him in like a whirlpool, and he ended up staying for three weeks.

He made the Enterprise office his headquarters, and fairly reveled in the company he found there. He and Mark Twain became boon companions. Each recognized in the other a kindred spirit. With Goodman, De Quille, and McCarthy, also E. E. Hingston—Ward's agent, a companionable fellow—they usually dined at Chaumond's, Virginia's high-toned French restaurant.

He made the Enterprise office his headquarters and thoroughly enjoyed the company he found there. He and Mark Twain became close friends. Each saw a kindred spirit in the other. With Goodman, De Quille, and McCarthy, as well as E. E. Hingston—Ward's agent, who was a friendly guy—they often dined at Chaumond's, Virginia's upscale French restaurant.

Those were three memorable weeks in Mark Twain's life. Artemus Ward was in the height of his fame, and he encouraged his new-found brother-humorist and prophesied great things of him. Clemens, on his side, measured himself by this man who had achieved fame, and perhaps with good reason concluded that Ward's estimate was correct, that he too could win fame and honor, once he got a start. If he had lacked ambition before Ward's visit, the latter's unqualified approval inspired him with that priceless article of equipment. He put his soul into entertaining the visitor during those three weeks; and it was apparent to their associates that he was at least Ward's equal in mental stature and originality. Goodman and the others began to realize that for Mark Twain the rewards of the future were to be measured only by his resolution and ability to hold out. On Christmas Eve Artemus lectured in Silver City and afterward came to the Enterprise office to give the boys a farewell dinner. The Enterprise always published a Christmas carol, and Goodman sat at his desk writing it. He was just finishing as Ward came in:

Those were three unforgettable weeks in Mark Twain's life. Artemus Ward was at the peak of his fame, and he encouraged his new brother-humorist, predicting great things for him. Clemens, for his part, measured himself against this man who had achieved fame and perhaps reasonably concluded that Ward's assessment was spot on, that he too could gain fame and respect once he got a break. If he had lacked ambition before Ward's visit, the latter's enthusiastic support filled him with that invaluable motivation. He devoted himself to entertaining the visitor during those three weeks; it became clear to their friends that he was at least Ward's equal in intellect and creativity. Goodman and the others started to realize that for Mark Twain, the rewards of the future would depend solely on his determination and ability to persist. On Christmas Eve, Artemus lectured in Silver City and afterward came to the Enterprise office to treat the guys to a farewell dinner. The Enterprise always published a Christmas carol, and Goodman was at his desk writing it. He was just finishing as Ward walked in:

“Slave, slave,” said Artemus. “Come out and let me banish care from you.”

“Servant, servant,” said Artemus. “Come out and let me free you from your worries.”

They got the boys and all went over to Chaumond's, where Ward commanded Goodman to order the dinner. When the cocktails came on, Artemus lifted his glass and said:

They gathered the guys and all headed over to Chaumond's, where Ward told Goodman to order dinner. When the cocktails arrived, Artemus raised his glass and said:

“I give you Upper Canada.”

"I grant you Upper Canada."

The company rose, drank the toast in serious silence; then Goodman said:

The company stood up, raised their glasses in a serious toast; then Goodman said:

“Of course, Artemus, it's all right, but why did you give us Upper Canada?”

“Of course, Artemus, it’s fine, but why did you give us Upper Canada?”

“Because I don't want it myself,” said Ward, gravely.

“Because I don't want it for myself,” Ward said seriously.

Then began a rising tide of humor that could hardly be matched in the world to-day. Mark Twain had awakened to a fuller power; Artemus Ward was in his prime. They were giants of a race that became extinct when Mark Twain died. The youth, the wine, the whirl of lights and life, the tumult of the shouting street-it was as if an electric stream of inspiration poured into those two human dynamos and sent them into a dazzling, scintillating whirl. All gone—as evanescent, as forgotten, as the lightnings of that vanished time; out of that vast feasting and entertainment only a trifling morsel remains. Ward now and then asked Goodman why he did not join in the banter. Goodman said:

Then a wave of humor began to rise that’s rarely seen today. Mark Twain had tapped into his full potential; Artemus Ward was at his peak. They were giants of a breed that disappeared when Mark Twain passed away. The youth, the excitement, the brightness of lights and life, the chaos of the bustling streets—it was as if a jolt of inspiration surged through those two dynamic personalities, launching them into a dazzling, sparkling frenzy. All gone—fleeting, forgotten, like the lightning flashes of that lost era; from that grand celebration and entertainment, only a tiny piece remains. Ward occasionally asked Goodman why he didn’t join in the jokes. Goodman said:

“I'm preparing a joke, Artemus, but I'm keeping it for the present.”

“I'm working on a joke, Artemus, but I'm saving it for now.”

It was near daybreak when Ward at last called for the bill. It was two hundred and thirty-seven dollars.

It was just before dawn when Ward finally asked for the bill. It was two hundred thirty-seven dollars.

“What”' exclaimed Artemus.

“What?” exclaimed Artemus.

“That's my joke.” said Goodman.

“That's my joke,” said Goodman.

“But I was only exclaiming because it was not twice as much,” returned Ward.

"But I was only reacting because it wasn't double the amount," Ward replied.

He paid it amid laughter, and they went out into the early morning air. It was fresh and fine outside, not yet light enough to see clearly. Artemus threw his face up to the sky and said:

He paid it while they all laughed, and they stepped out into the early morning air. It was fresh and nice outside, not quite bright enough to see clearly. Artemus tilted his face up to the sky and said:

“I feel glorious. I feel like walking on the roofs.”

“I feel amazing. I feel like walking on rooftops.”

Virginia was built on the steep hillside, and the eaves of some of the houses almost touched the ground behind them.

Virginia was built on a steep hillside, with the eaves of some houses nearly touching the ground behind them.

“There is your chance, Artemus,” Goodman said, pointing to a row of these houses all about of a height.

“There’s your chance, Artemus,” Goodman said, pointing to a row of these houses that are all about the same height.

Artemus grabbed Mark Twain, and they stepped out upon the long string of roofs and walked their full length, arm in arm. Presently the others noticed a lonely policeman cocking his revolver and getting ready to aim in their direction. Goodman called to him:

Artemus grabbed Mark Twain, and they stepped out onto the long line of roofs and walked the entire length, arm in arm. Soon, the others noticed a solitary policeman cocking his revolver and preparing to aim in their direction. Goodman shouted to him:

“Wait a minute. What are you going to do?”

“Hold on. What are you planning to do?”

“I'm going to shoot those burglars,” he said.

“I'm going to take down those burglars,” he said.

“Don't for your life. Those are not burglars. That's Mark Twain and Artemus Ward.”

“Don’t worry at all. Those aren’t burglars. That’s Mark Twain and Artemus Ward.”

The roof-walkers returned, and the party went down the street to a corner across from the International Hotel. A saloon was there with a barrel lying in front, used, perhaps for a sort of sign. Artemus climbed astride the barrel, and somebody brought a beer-glass and put it in his hand. Virginia City looks out over the Eastward Desert. Morning was just breaking upon the distant range-the scene as beautiful as when the sunrise beams across the plain of Memnon. The city was not yet awake. The only living creatures in sight were the group of belated diners, with Artemus Ward, as King Gambrinus, pouring a libation to the sunrise.

The roof-walkers came back, and the group strolled down the street to a corner across from the International Hotel. There was a bar there with a barrel in front, maybe used as a kind of sign. Artemus hopped onto the barrel, and someone handed him a beer glass. Virginia City overlooks the Eastward Desert. Morning was just breaking over the distant mountains—the scene as stunning as when the sunrise lights up the plain of Memnon. The city was still asleep. The only living beings in sight were a group of late diners, with Artemus Ward, as King Gambrinus, pouring a drink to the sunrise.

That was the beginning of a week of glory. The farewell dinner became a series. At the close of one convivial session Artemus went to a concert-hall, the “Melodeon,” blacked his face, and delivered a speech. He got away from Virginia about the close of the year.

That was the start of a week of celebration. The farewell dinner turned into a series of events. At the end of one festive gathering, Artemus went to a concert hall, the “Melodeon,” painted his face black, and gave a speech. He left Virginia around the end of the year.

A day or two later he wrote from Austin, Nevada, to his new-found comrade as “My dearest Love,” recalling the happiness of his stay:

A day or two later, he wrote from Austin, Nevada, to his new friend as “My dearest Love,” reminiscing about the joy of his visit:

“I shall always remember Virginia as a bright spot in my existence, as all others must or rather cannot be, as it were.”

“I will always remember Virginia as a bright spot in my life, as everyone else must or rather cannot be, so to speak.”

Then reflectively he adds:

Then he adds thoughtfully:

“Some of the finest intellects in the world have been blunted by liquor.”

“Some of the sharpest minds in the world have been dulled by alcohol.”

Rare Artemus Ward and rare Mark Twain! If there lies somewhere a place of meeting and remembrance, they have not failed to recall there those closing days of '63.

Rare Artemus Ward and rare Mark Twain! If there's a place for gathering and remembering, they haven't forgotten those final days of '63.





XLIV. GOVERNOR OF THE “THIRD HOUSE”

With Artemus Ward's encouragement, Clemens began to think of extending his audience eastward. The New York Sunday Mercury published literary matter. Ward had urged him to try this market, and promised to write a special letter to the editors, introducing Mark Twain and his work. Clemens prepared a sketch of the Comstock variety, scarcely refined in character and full of personal allusion, a humor not suited to the present-day reader. Its general subject was children; it contained some absurd remedies, supposedly sent to his old pilot friend Zeb Leavenworth, and was written as much for a joke on that good-natured soul as for profit or reputation.

With Artemus Ward's encouragement, Clemens started to consider reaching out to an eastern audience. The New York Sunday Mercury published literary content. Ward had encouraged him to explore this market and promised to write a special letter to the editors, introducing Mark Twain and his work. Clemens wrote a sketch about the Comstock variety, which was hardly sophisticated and filled with personal references, humor not really suited for today's readers. Its main topic was children; it included some ridiculous remedies, supposedly sent to his old pilot friend Zeb Leavenworth, and was written more as a joke on that kind-hearted guy than for profit or fame.

“I wrote it especially for Beck Jolly's use,” the author declares, in a letter to his mother, “so he could pester Zeb with it.”

“I wrote it just for Beck Jolly,” the author says in a letter to his mom, “so he could annoy Zeb with it.”

We cannot know to-day whether Zeb was pestered or not. A faded clipping is all that remains of the incident. As literature the article, properly enough, is lost to the world at large. It is only worth remembering as his metropolitan beginning. Yet he must have thought rather highly of it (his estimation of his own work was always unsafe), for in the letter above quoted he adds:

We can’t say today whether Zeb was bothered or not. A worn-out clipping is all that’s left of the incident. As literature, the article has, understandably, faded into obscurity. It’s mainly worth remembering as his start in the city. Still, he must have held it in high regard (his opinion of his own work was often questionable), because in the letter mentioned above, he adds:

    I cannot write regularly for the Mercury, of course, I sha'n't have
    time. But sometimes I throw off a pearl (there is no self-conceit
    about that, I beg you to observe) which ought for the eternal
    welfare of my race to have a more extensive circulation than is
    afforded by a local daily paper.

    And if Fitzhugh Ludlow (author of the 'Hasheesh Eater') comes your
    way, treat him well. He published a high encomium upon Mark Twain
    (the same being eminently just and truthful, I beseech you to
    believe) in a San Francisco paper. Artemus Ward said that when my
    gorgeous talents were publicly acknowledged by such high authority I
    ought to appreciate them myself, leave sage-brush obscurity, and
    journey to New York with him, as he wanted me to do. But I
    preferred not to burst upon the New York public too suddenly and
    brilliantly, so I concluded to remain here.
I can’t write regularly for the Mercury; I just won’t have the time. But sometimes I come up with something valuable (and I’m not being conceited about that, please note) that deserves a wider audience than what a local daily paper can provide for the good of humanity.

And if you happen to see Fitzhugh Ludlow (the author of 'The Hasheesh Eater'), please treat him well. He wrote a very positive review of Mark Twain (which is completely fair and true, I assure you) in a San Francisco paper. Artemus Ward said that since my impressive talents were recognized by such a reputable source, I should appreciate them myself, leave the lonely backcountry, and head to New York with him, as he wanted me to do. But I’d rather not make a sudden, dazzling entrance into the New York scene, so I decided to stay here.

He was in Carson City when this was written, preparing for the opening of the next legislature. He was beyond question now the most conspicuous figure of the capital; also the most wholesomely respected, for his influence had become very large. It was said that he could control more votes than any legislative member, and with his friends, Simmons and Clagget, could pass or defeat any bill offered. The Enterprise was a powerful organ—to be courted and dreaded—and Mark Twain had become its chief tribune. That he was fearless, merciless, and incorruptible, without doubt had a salutary influence on that legislative session. He reveled in his power; but it is not recorded that he ever abused it. He got a bill passed, largely increasing Orion's official fees, but this was a crying need and was so recognized. He made no secret promises, none at all that he did not intend to fulfill. “Sam's word was as fixed as fate,” Orion records, and it may be added that he was morally as fearless.

He was in Carson City when this was written, getting ready for the opening of the next legislature. He was undoubtedly the most prominent figure in the capital and also the most genuinely respected, as his influence had grown significantly. People said he could control more votes than any legislator, and along with his friends, Simmons and Clagget, he could pass or block any bill presented. The Enterprise was a powerful force—one to be both sought after and feared—and Mark Twain had become its leading voice. There’s no doubt that his fearlessness, ruthlessness, and integrity had a positive impact on that legislative session. He enjoyed his power, but it’s not recorded that he ever misused it. He managed to get a bill passed that significantly raised Orion's official fees, which was a necessary change and recognized as such. He made no secret promises, none that he didn't plan to keep. “Sam's word was as fixed as fate,” Orion notes, and it can be added that he was morally as brave.

The two Houses of the last territorial legislature of Nevada assembled January 12, 1864.—[Nevada became a State October 31, 1864.]—A few days later a “Third House” was organized—an institution quite in keeping with the happy atmosphere of that day and locality, for it was a burlesque organization, and Mark Twain was selected as its “Governor.”

The two Houses of the last territorial legislature of Nevada got together on January 12, 1864.—[Nevada became a State on October 31, 1864.]—A few days later, a “Third House” was formed—an institution that matched the joyful vibe of the time and place, as it was a playful organization, and Mark Twain was chosen as its “Governor.”

The new House prepared to make a public occasion of this first session, and its Governor was required to furnish a message. Then it was decided to make it a church benefit. The letters exchanged concerning this proposition still exist; they explain themselves:

The new House planned to make a big event out of this first session, and its Governor needed to provide a message. Then it was decided to turn it into a church fundraiser. The letters exchanged about this idea still exist; they speak for themselves:

                     CARSON CITY, January 23, 1864.

    GOV. MARK TWAIN, Understanding from certain members of the Third
    House of the territorial Legislature that that body will have
    effected a permanent organization within a day or two, and be ready
    for the reception of your Third Annual Message,—[ There had been
    no former message. This was regarded as a great joke.]—we desire
    to ask your permission, and that of the Third House, to turn the
    affair to the benefit of the Church by charging toll-roads,
    franchises, and other persons a dollar apiece for the privilege of
    listening to your communication.
                     S. PIXLEY,
                     G. A. SEARS,
                            Trustees.

                     CARSON CITY, January 23, 1864.

    GENTLEMEN,—Certainly. If the public can find anything in a grave
    state paper worth paying a dollar for, I am willing they should pay
    that amount, or any other; and although I am not a very dusty
    Christian myself, I take an absorbing interest in religious affairs,
    and would willingly inflict my annual message upon the Church itself
    if it might derive benefit thereby. You can charge what you please;
    I promise the public no amusement, but I do promise a reasonable
    amount of instruction. I am responsible to the Third House only,
    and I hope to be permitted to make it exceedingly warm for that
    body, without caring whether the sympathies of the public and the
    Church be enlisted in their favor, and against myself, or not.
                     Respectfully,
                     MARK TWAIN.
                     CARSON CITY, January 23, 1864.

    GOV. MARK TWAIN, I've heard from some members of the Third
    House of the territorial Legislature that they will have
    officially organized in a day or two, and will be ready 
    to receive your Third Annual Message, —[ There hadn't been 
    any previous message. This was seen as a funny joke.]—we want 
    to ask for your permission, and that of the Third House, to use
    the occasion for the benefit of the Church by charging toll-roads,
    franchises, and others a dollar each for the privilege of 
    hearing your message.
                     S. PIXLEY,
                     G. A. SEARS,
                            Trustees.

                     CARSON CITY, January 23, 1864.

    GENTLEMEN,—Of course. If the public thinks there's anything in a serious government document worth a dollar, I'm happy for them to pay that amount, or whatever it is; and while I'm not the most devout Christian myself, I'm very interested in religious matters, and would gladly share my annual message with the Church if it could benefit from it. You can charge whatever you want; I don't promise the public any entertainment, but I do promise a fair amount of education. I answer only to the Third House, and I hope to be allowed to make things quite uncomfortable for them, regardless of whether the public and the Church support them against me or not.
                     Respectfully,
                     MARK TWAIN.

Mark Twain's reply is closely related to his later style in phrase and thought. It might have been written by him at almost any subsequent period. Perhaps his association with Artemus Ward had awakened a new perception of the humorous idea—a humor of repression, of understatement. He forgot this often enough, then and afterward, and gave his riotous fancy free rein; but on the whole the simpler, less florid form seemingly began to attract him more and more.

Mark Twain's response is closely tied to his later style in both phrasing and thought. It could have been written by him at nearly any later time. Maybe his collaboration with Artemus Ward had sparked a fresh understanding of humor—a humor based on restraint and understatement. He often forgot this, both then and later, and let his wild imagination run free; however, overall, the simpler, less elaborate style seemed to draw him in more and more.

His address as Governor of the Third House has not been preserved, but those who attended always afterward referred to it as the “greatest effort of his life.” Perhaps for that audience and that time this verdict was justified.

His speech as Governor of the Third House hasn't been kept, but those who were there always called it the “greatest effort of his life.” Maybe for that crowd and that moment, this judgment was fair.

It was his first great public opportunity. On the stage about him sat the membership of the Third House; the building itself was packed, the aisles full. He knew he could let himself go in burlesque and satire, and he did. He was unsparing in his ridicule of the Governor, the officials in general, the legislative members, and of individual citizens. From the beginning to the end of his address the audience was in a storm of laughter and applause. With the exception of the dinner speech made to the printers in Keokuk, it was his first public utterance—the beginning of a lifelong series of triumphs.

It was his first major public opportunity. On the stage around him sat the members of the Third House; the building was packed, with the aisles full. He knew he could really let loose with humor and satire, and he did. He held nothing back in his mockery of the Governor, the officials in general, the legislative members, and individual citizens. From start to finish, the audience was roaring with laughter and applause. Aside from the dinner speech he gave to the printers in Keokuk, it was his first public speech—the start of a lifelong series of successes.

Only one thing marred his success. Little Carrie Pixley, daughter of one of the “trustees,” had promised to be present and sit in a box next the stage. It was like him to be fond of the child, and he had promised to send a carriage for her. Often during his address he glanced toward the box; but it remained empty. When the affair was ended, he drove home with her father to inquire the reason. They found the little girl, in all her finery, weeping on the bed. Then he remembered he had forgotten to send the carriage; and that was like him, too.

Only one thing spoiled his success. Little Carrie Pixley, the daughter of one of the “trustees,” had promised to be there and sit in a box next to the stage. It was typical of him to be fond of the girl, and he had promised to send a carriage for her. Frequently during his speech, he glanced toward the box, but it stayed empty. When it was over, he drove home with her father to find out why. They discovered the little girl, all dressed up, crying on the bed. Then he remembered he had forgotten to send the carriage; and that was typical of him, too.

For his Third House address Judge A. W. (Sandy) Baldwin and Theodore Winters presented him with a gold watch inscribed to “Governor Mark Twain.” He was more in demand now than ever; no social occasion was regarded as complete without him. His doings were related daily and his sayings repeated on the streets. Most of these things have passed away now, but a few are still recalled with smiles. Once, when conundrums were being asked at a party, he was urged to make one.

For his Third House speech, Judge A. W. (Sandy) Baldwin and Theodore Winters gave him a gold watch engraved with “Governor Mark Twain.” He was more popular than ever; no social event felt complete without him. His activities were reported daily, and his quotes were heard in conversation. Most of these memories have faded, but a few still bring smiles. Once, during a party when people were sharing riddles, he was encouraged to come up with one himself.

“Well,” he sand, “why am I like the Pacific Ocean?”

“Well,” he said, “why am I like the Pacific Ocean?”

Several guesses were made, but none satisfied him. Finally all gave it up.

Several guesses were made, but none of them satisfied him. Eventually, everyone gave up.

“Tell us, Mark, why are you like the Pacific Ocean?”

“Tell us, Mark, why are you like the Pacific Ocean?”

“I don't know,” he drawled. “I was just asking for information.”

“I don’t know,” he said casually. “I was just asking for some info.”

At another time, when a young man insisted on singing a song of eternal length, the chorus of which was, “I'm going home, I'm going home, I'm going home tomorrow,” Mark Twain put his head in the window and said, pleadingly:

At another time, when a young man wouldn't stop singing a never-ending song with the chorus, “I'm going home, I'm going home, I'm going home tomorrow,” Mark Twain leaned out the window and said, pleadingly:

“For God's sake go to-night.”

“Please go tonight.”

But he was also fond of quieter society. Sometimes, after the turmoil of a legislative morning, he would drop in to Miss Keziah Clapp's school and listen to the exercises, or would call on Colonel Curry—“old Curry, old Abe Curry”—and if the colonel happened to be away, he would talk with Mrs. Curry, a motherly soul (still alive at ninety-three, in 1910), and tell her of his Hannibal boyhood or his river and his mining adventures, and keep her laughing until the tears ran.

But he also enjoyed quieter company. Sometimes, after the hectic pace of a legislative morning, he would visit Miss Keziah Clapp's school to listen to the students, or he would stop by to see Colonel Curry—“old Curry, old Abe Curry”—and if the colonel wasn’t home, he would chat with Mrs. Curry, a nurturing woman (still alive at ninety-three in 1910), and share stories about his boyhood in Hannibal or his river and mining adventures, making her laugh until she cried.

He was a great pedestrian in those days. Sometimes he walked from Virginia to Carson, stopping at Colonel Curry's as he came in for rest and refreshment.

He was a great walker back then. Sometimes he walked from Virginia to Carson, stopping at Colonel Curry's to rest and grab a drink.

“Mrs. Curry,” he said once, “I have seen tireder men than I am, and lazier men, but they were dead men.” He liked the home feeling there—the peace and motherly interest. Deep down, he was lonely and homesick; he was always so away from his own kindred.

“Mrs. Curry,” he said once, “I’ve seen men who were more exhausted than I am, and lazier men too, but they were dead.” He appreciated the comforting atmosphere there—the tranquility and nurturing concern. Deep down, he felt lonely and homesick; he was always so far from his own family.

Clemens returned now to Virginia City, and, like all other men who ever met her, became briefly fascinated by the charms of Adah Isaacs Menken, who was playing Mazeppa at the Virginia Opera House. All men—kings, poets, priests, prize-fighters—fell under Menken's spell. Dan de Quille and Mark Twain entered into a daily contest as to who could lavish the most fervid praise on her in the Enterprise. The latter carried her his literary work to criticize. He confesses this in one of his home letters, perhaps with a sort of pride.

Clemens returned to Virginia City and, like every other guy who ever met her, quickly became captivated by the charms of Adah Isaacs Menken, who was performing Mazeppa at the Virginia Opera House. All men—kings, poets, priests, fighters—were entranced by Menken's allure. Dan de Quille and Mark Twain engaged in a daily competition to see who could shower her with the most enthusiastic praise in the Enterprise. The latter even brought her his writing to critique. He admits this in one of his letters home, maybe with a bit of pride.

I took it over to show to Miss Menken the actress, Orpheus C. Ken's wife. She is a literary cuss herself.

I brought it over to show Miss Menken, the actress and Orpheus C. Ken's wife. She's a literary character herself.

She has a beautiful white hand, but her handwriting is infamous; she writes fast and her chirography is of the door-plate order—her letters are immense. I gave her a conundrum, thus:

She has a lovely white hand, but her handwriting is notorious; she writes quickly, and her penmanship is like that of a door sign—her letters are huge. I gave her a riddle like this:

“My dear madam, why ought your hand to retain its present grace and beauty always? Because you fool away devilish little of it on your manuscript.”

“My dear lady, why should your hand keep its current grace and beauty forever? Because you waste very little of it on your writing.”

But Menken was gone presently, and when he saw her again, somewhat later, in San Francisco, his “madness” would have seemed to have been allayed.

But Menken was gone soon, and when he saw her again, a little later, in San Francisco, his “madness” would have seemed to have calmed down.





XLV. A COMSTOCK DUEL.

The success—such as it was—of his occasional contributions to the New York Sunday Mercury stirred Mark Twain's ambition for a wider field of labor. Circumstance, always ready to meet his wishes, offered assistance, though in an unexpected form.

The success—whatever it was—of his sporadic contributions to the New York Sunday Mercury fueled Mark Twain's desire for a broader scope of work. Luck, always eager to align with his goals, provided help, though in an unforeseen way.

Goodman, temporarily absent, had left Clemens in editorial charge. As in that earlier day, when Orion had visited Tennessee and returned to find his paper in a hot personal warfare with certain injured citizens, so the Enterprise, under the same management, had stirred up trouble. It was just at the time of the “Flour Sack Sanitary Fund,” the story of which is related at length in 'Roughing It'. In the general hilarity of this occasion, certain Enterprise paragraphs of criticism or ridicule had incurred the displeasure of various individuals whose cause naturally enough had been espoused by a rival paper, the Chronicle. Very soon the original grievance, whatever it was, was lost sight of in the fireworks and vitriol-throwing of personal recrimination between Mark Twain and the Chronicle editor, then a Mr. Laird.

Goodman, who was away for a bit, had left Clemens in charge of editorial duties. Like that earlier day when Orion visited Tennessee and came back to find his paper caught up in a feisty feud with some upset locals, the Enterprise, under the same leadership, had stirred up trouble again. This was right around the time of the “Flour Sack Sanitary Fund,” which is discussed in detail in 'Roughing It.' Amid the general excitement of the occasion, some sections of the Enterprise that offered criticism or mockery upset various individuals, whose cause was understandably supported by a competing paper, the Chronicle. Before long, the original issue, whatever it was, got overshadowed by the explosive back-and-forth of personal attacks between Mark Twain and the Chronicle's editor at the time, Mr. Laird.

A point had been reached at length when only a call for bloodshed—a challenge—could satisfy either the staff or the readers of the two papers. Men were killed every week for milder things than the editors had spoken each of the other. Joe Goodman himself, not so long before, had fought a duel with a Union editor—Tom Fitch—and shot him in the leg, so making of him a friend, and a lame man, for life. In Joe's absence the prestige of the paper must be maintained.

A point had finally been reached where only a demand for violence—a challenge—could satisfy either the staff or the readers of the two newspapers. People were being killed every week for less than what the editors had said about each other. Joe Goodman himself, not long ago, had fought a duel with a Union editor—Tom Fitch—and shot him in the leg, turning him into a friend and a lifelong disabled man. In Joe's absence, the paper's reputation had to be upheld.

Mark Twain himself has told in burlesque the story of his duel, keeping somewhat nearer to the fact than was his custom in such writing, as may be seen by comparing it with the account of his abettor and second—of course, Steve Gillis. The account is from Mr. Gillis's own hand:

Mark Twain himself humorously recounted the story of his duel, staying closer to the truth than he usually did in his writings, as you can see by comparing it to the account from his supporter and second—none other than Steve Gillis. This account comes directly from Mr. Gillis's own writing:

    When Joe went away, he left Sam in editorial charge of the paper.
    That was a dangerous thing to do. Nobody could ever tell what Sam
    was going to write. Something he said stirred up Mr. Laird, of the
    Chronicle, who wrote a reply of a very severe kind. He said some
    things that we told Mark could only be wiped out with blood. Those
    were the days when almost every man in Virginia City had fought with
    pistols either impromptu or premeditated duels. I had been in
    several, but then mine didn't count. Most of them were of the
    impromptu kind. Mark hadn't had any yet, and we thought it about
    time that his baptism took place.

    He was not eager for it; he was averse to violence, but we finally
    prevailed upon him to send Laird a challenge, and when Laird did not
    send a reply at once we insisted on Mark sending him another
    challenge, by which time he had made himself believe that he really
    wanted to fight, as much as we wanted him to do. Laird concluded to
    fight, at last. I helped Mark get up some of the letters, and a man
    who would not fight after such letters did not belong in Virginia
    City—in those days.

    Laird's acceptance of Mark's challenge came along about midnight, I
    think, after the papers had gone to press. The meeting was to take
    place next morning at sunrise.

    Of course I was selected as Mark's second, and at daybreak I had him
    up and out for some lessons in pistol practice before meeting Laird.
    I didn't have to wake him. He had not been asleep. We had been
    talking since midnight over the duel that was coming. I had been
    telling him of the different duels in which I had taken part, either
    as principal or second, and how many men I had helped to kill and
    bury, and how it was a good plan to make a will, even if one had not
    much to leave. It always looked well, I told him, and seemed to be
    a proper thing to do before going into a duel. So Mark made a will
    with a sort of gloomy satisfaction, and as soon as it was light
    enough to see, we went out to a little ravine near the meeting-
    place, and I set up a board for him to shoot at. He would step out,
    raise that big pistol, and when I would count three he would shut
    his eyes and pull the trigger. Of course he didn't hit anything; he
    did not come anywhere near hitting anything. Just then we heard
    somebody shooting over in the next ravine. Sam said:

    “What's that, Steve?”

    “Why,” I said, “that's Laud. His seconds are practising him over
    there.”

    It didn't make my principal any more cheerful to hear that pistol go
    off every few seconds over there. Just then I saw a little mud-hen
    light on some sage-brush about thirty yards away.

    “Mark,” I said, “let me have that pistol. I'll show you how to
    shoot.”

    He handed it to me, and I let go at the bird and shot its head off,
    clean. About that time Laird and his second came over the ridge to
    meet us. I saw them coming and handed Mark back the pistol. We
    were looking at the bird when they came up.

    “Who did that?” asked Laird's second.

    “Sam,” I said.

    “How far off was it?”

    “Oh, about thirty yards.”

    “Can he do it again?”

    “Of course,” I said; “every time. He could do it twice that far.”

    Laud's second turned to his principal.

    “Laird,” he said, “you don't want to fight that man. It's just like
    suicide. You'd better settle this thing, now.”

    So there was a settlement. Laird took back all he had said; Mark
    said he really had nothing against Laird—the discussion had been
    purely journalistic and did not need to be settled in blood. He
    said that both he and Laird were probably the victims of their
    friends. I remember one of the things Laird said when his second
    told him he had better not fight.

    “Fight! H—l, no! I am not going to be murdered by that d—d
    desperado.”

    Sam had sent another challenge to a man named Cutler, who had been
    somehow mixed up with the muss and had written Sam an insulting
    letter; but Cutler was out of town at the time, and before he got
    back we had received word from Jerry Driscoll, foreman of the Grand
    jury, that the law just passed, making a duel a penitentiary offense
    for both principal and second, was to be strictly enforced, and
    unless we got out of town in a limited number of hours we would be
    the first examples to test the new law.
When Joe left, he put Sam in charge of the paper. That was a risky move. Nobody knew what Sam would write next. Something he said fired up Mr. Laird from the Chronicle, who responded with a severe reply. He claimed some things that we told Mark could only be settled with blood. Back then, almost every man in Virginia City had been in some kind of pistol duel, whether spontaneous or planned. I had been in a few, but mine didn't really count. Most of them were spontaneous. Mark hadn't fought anyone yet, and we thought it was about time he had his initiation.

He wasn't keen on it; he disliked violence, but eventually, we convinced him to challenge Laird. When Laird didn't reply right away, we pushed Mark to send him another challenge, and by then, he had convinced himself that he actually wanted to fight as much as we wanted him to. Eventually, Laird agreed to the duel. I helped Mark draft some of the letters, and anyone who wouldn’t fight after those letters didn’t belong in Virginia City back then.

Laird's acceptance of Mark’s challenge arrived around midnight, I think, after the papers had gone to press. The duel was set for the next morning at sunrise.

Naturally, I was chosen as Mark's second, and at daybreak I got him up for some pistol practice before meeting Laird. I didn't have to wake him; he hadn't slept at all. We had been discussing the upcoming duel since midnight. I had shared stories about the various duels I had participated in, either as a main player or a second, and how many men I’d helped kill and bury. I told him it was wise to make a will, even if one didn’t have much to leave behind. It always looked good, I explained, and seemed appropriate to do before entering a duel. So, Mark made a will with a kind of gloomy satisfaction, and as soon as there was enough light, we headed to a small ravine near the meeting spot, where I set up a board for him to shoot at. He would step out, raise that big pistol, and when I counted to three, he would shut his eyes and pull the trigger. Of course, he didn’t hit anything; he didn’t even come close. Just then, we heard someone shooting in the next ravine. Sam asked:

“What’s that, Steve?”

“That’s Laird. His seconds are practicing him over there,” I replied.

Hearing that gunfire didn’t exactly help Mark’s mood. Just then, I spotted a little mud-hen land on some sagebrush about thirty yards away.

“Mark,” I said, “let me have that pistol. I’ll show you how to shoot.”

He handed it to me, and I fired at the bird, cleanly taking its head off. Right around then, Laird and his second appeared over the ridge to meet us. I saw them coming and handed Mark back the pistol. We were looking at the bird when they arrived.

“Who did that?” asked Laird's second.

“Sam,” I said.

“How far was that?”

“Oh, about thirty yards.”

“Can he do it again?”

“Of course,” I said; “every time. He could do it twice that far.”

Laird's second turned to him.

“Laird,” he said, “you don’t want to fight that guy. It’s like suicide. You should settle this now.”

So, they reached an agreement. Laird took back everything he said; Mark insisted he didn’t really have any issues with Laird—the argument had been purely professional and didn’t need bloodshed. He claimed both he and Laird were probably just victims of their friends. I remember one of the things Laird said when his second warned him against fighting.

“Fight! Hell, no! I’m not getting murdered by that damn desperado.”

Sam had issued another challenge to a guy named Cutler, who had somehow gotten involved and sent Sam an insulting letter; but Cutler was out of town at that time, and before he returned, we got word from Jerry Driscoll, foreman of the Grand jury, that a new law making dueling a felony for both the principal and the second was to be strictly enforced. Unless we left town within a limited number of hours, we would be the first to test this new law.

We concluded to go, and when the stage left next morning for San Francisco we were on the outside seat. Joe Goodman had returned by this time and agreed to accompany us as far as Henness Pass. We were all in good spirits and glad we were alive, so Joe did not stop when he got to Henness Pass, but kept on. Now and then he would say, “Well, I had better be going back pretty soon,” but he didn't go, and in the end he did not go back at all, but went with us clear to San Francisco, and we had a royal good time all the way. I never knew any series of duels to close so happily.

We decided to go, and when the bus left the next morning for San Francisco, we took the outside seat. By this time, Joe Goodman had returned and agreed to join us as far as Henness Pass. We were all in great spirits and thankful to be alive, so Joe didn’t stop at Henness Pass but kept going. Every now and then he would say, “Well, I should probably head back soon,” but he didn’t leave, and in the end, he didn’t go back at all but traveled with us all the way to San Francisco, and we had an amazing time the whole way. I never knew of any series of duels that ended so happily.

So ended Mark Twain's career on the Comstock. He had come to it a weary pilgrim, discouraged and unknown; he was leaving it with a new name and fame—elate, triumphant, even if a fugitive.

So ended Mark Twain's career on the Comstock. He had arrived as a tired traveler, feeling down and unnoticed; he was leaving with a new identity and recognition—excited, victorious, even if on the run.





XLVI. GETTING SETTLED IN SAN FRANCISCO

This was near the end of May, 1864. The intention of both Gillis and Clemens was to return to the States; but once in San Francisco both presently accepted places, Clemens as reporter and Gillis as compositor, on the 'Morning Call'.

This was just before the end of May 1864. Both Gillis and Clemens planned to go back to the States, but once they reached San Francisco, they both took jobs—Clemens as a reporter and Gillis as a compositor—at the 'Morning Call'.

From 'Roughing It' the reader gathers that Mark Twain now entered into a life of butterfly idleness on the strength of prospective riches to be derived from the “half a trunkful of mining stocks,” and that presently, when the mining bubble exploded, he was a pauper. But a good many liberties have been taken with the history of this period. Undoubtedly he expected opulent returns from his mining stocks, and was disappointed, particularly in an investment in Hale and Norcross shares, held too long for the large profit which could have been made by selling at the proper time.

From 'Roughing It,' readers learn that Mark Twain began a carefree life based on the potential wealth from a “half a trunkful of mining stocks,” and soon after, when the mining bubble burst, he found himself broke. However, many liberties have been taken with the history of this time. Clearly, he anticipated significant returns from his mining stocks and was let down, especially with his investment in Hale and Norcross shares, which he held onto for too long instead of selling at the right moment for a big profit.

The fact is, he spent not more than a few days—a fortnight at most—in “butterfly idleness,” at the Lick House before he was hard at work on the 'Call', living modestly with Steve Gillis in the quietest place they could find, never quiet enough, but as far as possible from dogs and cats and chickens and pianos, which seemed determined to make the mornings hideous, when a weary night reporter and compositor wanted to rest. They went out socially, on occasion, arrayed in considerable elegance; but their recreations were more likely to consist of private midnight orgies, after the paper had gone to press—mild dissipations in whatever they could find to eat at that hour, with a few glasses of beer, and perhaps a game of billiards or pool in some all-night resort. A printer by the name of Ward—“Little Ward,”—[L. P. Ward; well known as an athlete in San Francisco. He lost his mind and fatally shot himself in 1903.]—they called him—often went with them for these refreshments. Ward and Gillis were both bantam game-cocks, and sometimes would stir up trouble for the very joy of combat. Clemens never cared for that sort of thing and discouraged it, but Ward and Gillis were for war. “They never assisted each other. If one had offered to assist the other against some overgrown person, it would have been an affront, and a battle would have followed between that pair of little friends.”—[S. L. C., 1906.]—Steve Gillis in particular, was fond of incidental encounters, a characteristic which would prove an important factor somewhat later in shaping Mark Twain's career. Of course, the more strenuous nights were not frequent. Their home-going was usually tame enough and they were glad enough to get there.

He spent no more than a few days—a maximum of two weeks—in “butterfly idleness” at the Lick House before he got serious about the 'Call', living simply with Steve Gillis in the quietest place they could find, which was never quiet enough, but as far away as possible from dogs, cats, chickens, and pianos that seemed determined to ruin the mornings when a tired night reporter and compositor wanted to rest. They occasionally socialized, dressing quite elegantly; however, their fun was more likely to be private midnight gatherings after the paper was done—light indulgences in whatever food they could find at that hour, with a few beers, and maybe a game of billiards or pool at some all-night spot. A printer named Ward—“Little Ward”—often joined them for these outings. Ward and Gillis were both small but feisty, and they sometimes enjoyed provoking a fight just for the thrill. Clemens wasn’t into that and tried to discourage it, but Ward and Gillis were all for it. “They never helped each other. If one had offered to help the other against some larger person, it would have been seen as an insult, leading to a fight between the two friends.” Steve Gillis, in particular, liked unexpected confrontations, a trait that would later play a significant role in shaping Mark Twain's career. Of course, the more intense nights weren't common. Their trips home were usually pretty dull, and they were more than happy to arrive.

Clemens, however, was never quite ready for sleep. Then, as ever, he would prop himself up in bed, light his pipe, and lose himself in English or French history until sleep conquered. His room-mate did not approve of this habit; it interfered with his own rest, and with his fiendish tendency to mischief he found reprisal in his own fashion. Knowing his companion's highly organized nervous system he devised means of torture which would induce him to put out the light. Once he tied a nail to a string; an arrangement which he kept on the floor behind the bed. Pretending to be asleep, he would hold the end of the string, and lift it gently up and down, making a slight ticking sound on the floor, maddening to a nervous man. Clemens would listen a moment and say:

Clemens, however, was never really ready to sleep. As always, he would prop himself up in bed, light his pipe, and get lost in English or French history until sleep finally took over. His roommate didn't like this habit; it disrupted his own rest, and with his mischievous nature, he found his own way to get back at Clemens. Knowing his companion's highly organized nervous system, he came up with ways to annoy him until he would turn off the light. Once, he tied a nail to a string and kept it on the floor behind the bed. Pretending to be asleep, he would hold the end of the string and lift it gently up and down, creating a soft ticking sound on the floor that was maddening to a nervous person. Clemens would listen for a moment and say:

“What in the nation is that noise”

“What on earth is that noise?”

Gillis's pretended sleep and the ticking would continue.

Gillis's fake sleeping and the ticking would go on.

Clemens would sit up in bed, fling aside his book, and swear violently.

Clemens would sit up in bed, toss aside his book, and curse forcefully.

“Steve, what is that d—d noise?” he would say.

“Steve, what is that damn noise?” he would say.

Steve would pretend to rouse sleepily.

Steve would pretend to wake up sleepily.

“What's the matter, Sam? What noise? Oh, I guess that is one of those death-ticks; they don't like the light. Maybe it will stop in a minute.”

“What's wrong, Sam? What noise? Oh, I think that's one of those death-ticks; they don’t like the light. Maybe it’ll stop in a minute.”

It usually did stop about that time, and the reading would be apt to continue. But no sooner was there stillness than it began again—tick, tick, tick. With a wild explosion of blasphemy, the book would go across the floor and the light would disappear. Sometimes, when he couldn't sleep, he would dress and walk out in the street for an hour, while the cruel Steve slept like the criminal that he was.

It usually stopped around that time, and the reading would likely go on. But no sooner was there silence than it started again—tick, tick, tick. With a burst of cursing, the book would fly across the floor and the light would go out. Sometimes, when he couldn't sleep, he would get dressed and walk around outside for an hour, while the heartless Steve slept soundly like the criminal he was.

At last, one night, he overdid the thing and was caught. His tortured room-mate at first reviled him, then threatened to kill him, finally put him to shame. It was curious, but they always loved each other, those two; there was never anything resembling an estrangement, and to his last days Mark Twain never could speak of Steve Gillis without tenderness.

At last, one night, he went too far and got caught. His tormented roommate first yelled at him, then threatened to kill him, and finally made him feel ashamed. It was interesting, but they always cared for each other, those two; there was never anything like a falling out, and until the end of his life, Mark Twain could never mention Steve Gillis without affection.

They moved a great many times in San Francisco. Their most satisfactory residence was on a bluff on California Street. Their windows looked down on a lot of Chinese houses—“tin-can houses,” they were called—small wooden shanties covered with beaten-out cans. Steve and Mark would look down on these houses, waiting until all the Chinamen were inside; then one of them would grab an empty beer-bottle, throw it down on those tin can roofs, and dodge behind the blinds. The Chinamen would swarm out and look up at the row of houses on the edge of the bluff, shake their fists, and pour out Chinese vituperation. By and by, when they had retired and everything was quiet again, their tormentors would throw another bottle. This was their Sunday amusement.

They moved around a lot in San Francisco. Their favorite place to live was on a hill on California Street. Their windows overlooked a bunch of Chinese houses—called “tin-can houses”—which were little wooden shacks covered with flattened cans. Steve and Mark would watch those houses, waiting until all the Chinese men were inside; then one of them would grab an empty beer bottle, throw it down on those tin roofs, and duck behind the blinds. The Chinese men would rush out and look up at the row of houses on the edge of the hill, shaking their fists and shouting angrily in Chinese. Eventually, when things calmed down and it was quiet again, their tormentors would throw another bottle. This was their Sunday entertainment.

At a place on Minna Street they lived with a private family. At first Clemens was delighted.

At a location on Minna Street, they lived with a private family. At first, Clemens was thrilled.

“Just look at it, Steve,” he said. “What a nice, quiet place. Not a thing to disturb us.”

“Just look at it, Steve,” he said. “What a nice, quiet place. Nothing to bother us.”

But next morning a dog began to howl. Gillis woke this time, to find his room-mate standing in the door that opened out into a back garden, holding a big revolver, his hand shaking with cold and excitement.

But the next morning, a dog started howling. Gillis woke up this time to find his roommate standing in the door that led to a back garden, holding a large revolver, his hand shaking from the cold and excitement.

“Came here, Steve,” he said. “Come here and kill him. I'm so chilled through I can't get a bead on him.”

“Come here, Steve,” he said. “Get over here and take him out. I'm so frozen I can't focus on him.”

“Sam,” said Steve, “don't shoot him. Just swear at him. You can easily kill him at that range with your profanity.”

“Sam,” Steve said, “don’t shoot him. Just curse at him. You can easily take him down at that distance with your words.”

Steve Gillis declares that Mark Twain then let go such a scorching, singeing blast that the brute's owner sold him next day for a Mexican hairless dog.

Steve Gillis says that Mark Twain then unleashed such a hot, searing blast that the owner sold the brute the next day for a Mexican hairless dog.

We gather that they moved, on an average, about once a month. A home letter of September 25, 1864, says:

We understand that they moved about once a month on average. A home letter from September 25, 1864, says:

    We have been here only four months, yet we have changed our lodging
    five times. We are very comfortably fixed where we are now and have
    no fault to find with the rooms or the people. We are the only
    lodgers-in a well-to-do private family.... But I need change
    and must move again.
    We have only been here for four months, but we've changed our place five times. We're really comfortable where we are now and have no complaints about the rooms or the people. We're the only guests in a well-off private family.... But I need a change and must move again.

This was the Minna Street place—the place of the dog. In the same letter he mentions having made a new arrangement with the Call, by which he is to receive twenty-five dollars a week, with no more night-work; he says further that he has closed with the Californian for weekly articles at twelve dollars each.

This was the Minna Street spot—the spot of the dog. In the same letter, he mentions that he has arranged a new deal with the Call, where he will get twenty-five dollars a week and won't have to work nights anymore; he also states that he has signed a contract with the Californian for weekly articles at twelve dollars each.





XLVII. BOHEMIAN DAYS

Mark Twain's position on the 'Call' was uncongenial from the start. San Francisco was a larger city than Virginia; the work there was necessarily more impersonal, more a routine of news-gathering and drudgery. He once set down his own memories of it:

Mark Twain's stance on the 'Call' was uncomfortable from the beginning. San Francisco was a bigger city than Virginia; the work there was inevitably more impersonal, more of a grind of collecting news and doing monotonous tasks. He once wrote about his own experiences with it:

    At nine in the morning I had to be at the police court for an hour
    and make a brief history of the squabbles of the night before. They
    were usually between Irishmen and Irishmen, and Chinamen and
    Chinamen, with now and then a squabble between the two races, for a
    change.

    During the rest of the day we raked the town from end to end,
    gathering such material as we might, wherewith to fill our required
    columns; and if there were no fires to report, we started some. At
    night we visited the six theaters, one after the other, seven nights
    in the week. We remained in each of those places five minutes, got
    the merest passing glimpse of play and opera, and with that for a
    text we “wrote up” those plays and operas, as the phrase goes,
    torturing our souls every night in the effort to find something to
    say about those performances which we had not said a couple of
    hundred times before.

    It was fearful drudgery-soulless drudgery—and almost destitute of
    interest. It was an awful slavery for a lazy man.
At nine in the morning, I had to be at the police court for an hour to summarize the disputes from the night before. They usually involved fights between Irish people and Irish people, and Chinese people and Chinese people, with the occasional altercation between the two groups for variety.

For the rest of the day, we scoured the town, collecting whatever information we could to fill our required columns. If there weren’t any fires to report, we created some. At night, we hit up the six theaters, one after the other, seven nights a week. We spent only five minutes in each place, catching just a quick glimpse of the play or opera, and from that, we “wrote up” those performances, as the term goes, exhausting ourselves every night trying to find something new to say about shows we had already reviewed a couple of hundred times.

It was grueling work—soul-crushing work—and nearly devoid of interest. It felt like terrible slavery for someone who preferred to be lazy.

On the Enterprise he had been free, with a liberty that amounted to license. He could write what he wished, and was personally responsible to the readers. On the Call he was simply a part of a news-machine; restricted by a policy, the whole a part of a still greater machine—politics. Once he saw some butchers set their dogs on an unoffending Chinaman, a policeman looking on with amused interest. He wrote an indignant article criticizing the city government and raking the police. In Virginia City this would have been a welcome delight; in San Francisco it did not appear.

On the Enterprise, he had been free, enjoying a level of liberty that felt like total freedom. He could write whatever he wanted and was directly accountable to the readers. On the Call, he was just a cog in a news-machine; limited by a policy, which was part of an even bigger machine—politics. Once, he saw some butchers set their dogs on an innocent Chinese man, while a policeman looked on with amusement. He wrote a furious article criticizing the city government and blasting the police. In Virginia City, this would have been well-received; in San Francisco, it wasn't.

At another time he found a policeman asleep on his beat. Going to a near-by vegetable stall he borrowed a large cabbage-leaf, came back and stood over the sleeper, gently fanning him. It would be wasted effort to make an item of this incident; but he could publish it in his own fashion. He stood there fanning the sleeping official until a large crowd collected. When he thought it was large enough he went away. Next day the joke was all over the city.

At another time, he found a cop asleep on his patrol. He walked over to a nearby vegetable stand, borrowed a big cabbage leaf, and returned to gently fan the sleeping officer. It wouldn’t have been worth it to make a big deal out of this, but he could share it in his own way. He stood there fanning the sleeping cop until a large crowd gathered. When he thought there were enough people, he left. The next day, the story was all over the city.

Only one of the several severe articles he wrote criticizing officials and institutions seems to have appeared—an attack on an undertaker whose establishment formed a branch of the coroner's office. The management of this place one day refused information to a Call reporter, and the next morning its proprietor was terrified by a scathing denunciation of his firm. It began, “Those body-snatchers” and continued through half a column of such scorching strictures as only Mark Twain could devise. The Call's policy of suppression evidently did not include criticisms of deputy coroners.

Only one of the many harsh pieces he wrote criticizing officials and institutions seems to have been published—an attack on a funeral home that was part of the coroner's office. One day, the management of this place denied a reporter from The Call any information, and the next morning, its owner was horrified by a harsh condemnation of his business. It kicked off with, “Those body-snatchers,” and went on for half a column of biting criticisms that only Mark Twain could come up with. The Call's policy of suppression clearly didn’t cover criticism of deputy coroners.

Such liberty, however, was too rare for Mark Twain, and he lost interest. He confessed afterward that he became indifferent and lazy, and that George E. Barnes, one of the publishers of the Call, at last allowed him an assistant. He selected from the counting-room a big, hulking youth by the name of McGlooral, with the acquired prefix of “Smiggy.” Clemens had taken a fancy to Smiggy McGlooral—on account of his name and size perhaps—and Smiggy, devoted to his patron, worked like a slave gathering news nights—daytimes, too, if necessary—all of which was demoralizing to a man who had small appetite for his place anyway. It was only a question of time when Smiggy alone would be sufficient for the job.

Such freedom, however, was too rare for Mark Twain, and he lost interest. He later admitted that he became indifferent and lazy, and that George E. Barnes, one of the publishers of the Call, finally let him have an assistant. He picked a big, burly young guy from the counting room named McGlooral, who had the nickname “Smiggy.” Clemens took a liking to Smiggy McGlooral—maybe because of his name and size—and Smiggy, loyal to his boss, worked hard gathering news at night—and during the day if needed—all of which was demoralizing for a guy who was already not very enthusiastic about his job. It was only a matter of time before Smiggy would be enough to handle the work on his own.

There were other and pleasanter things in San Francisco. The personal and literary associations were worth while. At his right hand in the Call office sat Frank Soule—a gentle spirit—a graceful versifier who believed himself a poet. Mark Twain deferred to Frank Soule in those days. He thought his verses exquisite in their workmanship; a word of praise from Soule gave him happiness. In a luxurious office up-stairs was another congenial spirit—a gifted, handsome fellow of twenty-four, who was secretary of the Mint, and who presently became editor of a new literary weekly, the Californian, which Charles Henry Webb had founded. This young man's name was Francis Bret Harte, originally from Albany, later a miner and school-teacher on the Stanislaus, still later a compositor, finally a contributor, on the Golden Era. His fame scarcely reached beyond San Francisco as yet; but among the little coterie of writing folk that clustered about the Era office his rank was high. Mark Twain fraternized with Bret Harte and the Era group generally. He felt that he had reached the land—or at least the borderland—of Bohemia, that Ultima Thule of every young literary dream.

There were other, more enjoyable things in San Francisco. The personal and literary connections were valuable. At his right in the Call office sat Frank Soule—a kind soul—a graceful poet who believed he was a true artist. Mark Twain looked up to Frank Soule back then. He thought Soule’s poems were beautifully crafted; a compliment from Soule brought him joy. In a comfortable office upstairs was another like-minded individual—a talented, handsome 24-year-old who was the secretary of the Mint and soon became the editor of a new literary weekly called The Californian, which Charles Henry Webb had started. This young man was Francis Bret Harte, originally from Albany, later a miner and schoolteacher on the Stanislaus, then a compositor, and finally a contributor to the Golden Era. His reputation barely extended beyond San Francisco at the time, but among the small group of writers gathered around the Era office, he was well-respected. Mark Twain bonded with Bret Harte and the Era crowd in general. He felt like he had arrived at the land—or at least the edge—of Bohemia, that ultimate destination of every young writer's dreams.

San Francisco did, in fact, have a very definite literary atmosphere and a literature of its own. Its coterie of writers had drifted from here and there, but they had merged themselves into a California body-poetic, quite as individual as that of Cambridge, even if less famous, less fortunate in emoluments than the Boston group. Joseph E. Lawrence, familiarly known as “Joe” Lawrence, was editor of the Golden Era,—[The Golden Era, California's first literary publication, was founded by Rollin M. Daggett and J. McDonough Foard in 1852.]—and his kindness and hospitality were accounted sufficient rewards even when his pecuniary acknowledgments were modest enough. He had a handsome office, and the literati, local and visiting, used to gather there. Names that would be well known later were included in that little band. Joaquin Miller recalls from an old diary, kept by him then, having seen Adah Isaacs Menken, Prentice Mulford, Bret Harte, Charles Warren Stoddard, Fitzhugh Ludlow, Mark Twain, Orpheus C. Kerr, Artemus Ward, Gilbert Densmore, W. S. Kendall, and Mrs. Hitchcock assembled there at one time. The Era office would seem to have been a sort of Mount Olympus, or Parnassus, perhaps; for these were mainly poets, who had scarcely yet attained to the dignity of gods. Miller was hardly more than a youth then, and this grand assemblage impressed him, as did the imposing appointments of the place.

San Francisco definitely had a unique literary scene and its own body of work. A group of writers had come together from various places, forming a distinctly Californian community that was just as individual as that of Cambridge, even if it was less famous and not as financially successful as the Boston group. Joseph E. Lawrence, known as "Joe" Lawrence, was the editor of the Golden Era,—[The Golden Era, California's first literary publication, was founded by Rollin M. Daggett and J. McDonough Foard in 1852.]—and his warmth and hospitality were seen as enough rewards, even when his financial compensation was rather modest. He had an impressive office, and local as well as visiting writers would gather there. Notable names that would later become well-known were part of that group. Joaquin Miller remembers from an old diary he kept back then, having seen Adah Isaacs Menken, Prentice Mulford, Bret Harte, Charles Warren Stoddard, Fitzhugh Ludlow, Mark Twain, Orpheus C. Kerr, Artemus Ward, Gilbert Densmore, W. S. Kendall, and Mrs. Hitchcock all together at one time. The Era office seemed to be like a sort of Mount Olympus or Parnassus; for these were mainly poets who had barely reached the status of gods. Miller was still quite young at that time, and this impressive gathering made a big impression on him, as did the elegant surroundings of the place.

    The Era rooms were elegant—[he says]—the most grandly carpeted
    and most gorgeously furnished that I have ever seen. Even now in my
    memory they seem to have been simply palatial. I have seen the
    world well since then—all of its splendors worth seeing—yet those
    carpeted parlors, with Joe Lawrence and his brilliant satellites,
    outshine all things else, as I turn to look back.
    The Era rooms were elegant—[he says]—the most beautifully carpeted and furnished places I've ever seen. Even now, they seem almost like a palace in my memory. I've traveled a lot since then—to see all the amazing things worth seeing—yet those carpeted parlors, with Joe Lawrence and his dazzling friends, outshine everything else when I look back.

More than any other city west of the Alleghanies, San Francisco has always been a literary center; and certainly that was a remarkable group to be out there under the sunset, dropped down there behind the Sierras, which the transcontinental railway would not climb yet, for several years. They were a happy-hearted, aspiring lot, and they got as much as five dollars sometimes for an Era article, and were as proud of it as if it had been a great deal more. They felt that they were creating literature, as they were, in fact; a new school of American letters mustered there.

More than any other city west of the Alleghenies, San Francisco has always been a hub for literature, and it was definitely an impressive group that gathered there under the sunset, nestled behind the Sierras, which the transcontinental railway wouldn’t conquer for a few more years. They were an optimistic, ambitious bunch, and they sometimes earned as much as five dollars for an article in the Era, feeling just as proud of it as if it were worth a lot more. They believed they were creating literature, and they truly were; a new wave of American letters was taking shape there.

Mark Twain and Bret Harte were distinctive features of this group. They were already recognized by their associates as belonging in a class by themselves, though as yet neither had done any of the work for which he would be remembered later. They were a good deal together, and it was when Harte was made editor of the Californian that Mark Twain was put on the weekly staff at the then unexampled twelve-dollar rate. The Californian made larger pretensions than the Era, and perhaps had a heavier financial backing. With Mark Twain on the staff and Bret Harte in the chair, himself a frequent contributor, it easily ranked as first of San Francisco periodicals. A number of the sketches collected by Webb later, in Mark Twain's first little volume, the Celebrated Jumping Frog, Etc., appeared in the Era or Californian in 1864 and 1865. They were smart, bright, direct, not always refined, but probably the best humor of the day. Some of them are still preserved in this volume of sketches. They are interesting in what they promise, rather than in what they present, though some of them are still delightful enough. “The Killing of Julius Caesar Localized” is an excellent forerunner of his burlesque report of a gladiatorial combat in The Innocents Abroad. The Answers to Correspondents, with his vigorous admonition of the statistical moralist, could hardly have been better done at any later period. The Jumping Frog itself was not originally of this harvest. It has a history of its own, as we shall see a little further along.

Mark Twain and Bret Harte stood out in this group. They were already seen by their peers as unique, even though neither had yet done the work for which they’d later be famous. They spent a lot of time together, and it was when Harte became the editor of the Californian that Mark Twain was added to the weekly staff at the then-unheard-of rate of twelve dollars. The Californian had bigger ambitions than the Era and probably had more financial support. With Mark Twain on the team and Bret Harte as editor, who often contributed his own pieces, it quickly became the top publication in San Francisco. Many of the sketches that Webb later collected in Mark Twain's first book, the Celebrated Jumping Frog, Etc., appeared in the Era or Californian in 1864 and 1865. They were clever, lively, straightforward, not always polished, but likely the best humor of the time. Some of these are still included in this collection of sketches. They are more notable for their potential than for their current presentation, although some remain quite enjoyable. “The Killing of Julius Caesar Localized” is a great precursor to his humorous report of a gladiatorial battle in The Innocents Abroad. The Answers to Correspondents, featuring his strong criticism of the statistical moralist, could hardly have been done better at any later time. The Jumping Frog itself didn’t come from this batch; it has its own story, as we will see shortly.

The reportorial arrangement was of brief duration. Even the great San Francisco earthquake of that day did not awaken in Mark Twain any permanent enthusiasm for the drudgery of the 'Call'. He had lost interest, and when Mark Twain lost interest in a subject or an undertaking that subject or that undertaking were better dead, so far as he was concerned. His conclusion of service with the Call was certain, and he wondered daily why it was delayed so long. The connection had become equally unsatisfactory to proprietor and employee. They had a heart-to-heart talk presently, with the result that Mark Twain was free. He used to claim, in after-years, with his usual tendency to confess the worst of himself, that he was discharged, and the incident has been variously told. George Barnes himself has declared that Clemens resigned with great willingness. It is very likely that the paragraph at the end of Chapter LVIII in 'Roughing It' presents the situation with fair accuracy, though, as always, the author makes it as unpleasant for himself as possible:

The reporting stint was short-lived. Even the huge San Francisco earthquake of that time didn’t spark any lasting excitement for Mark Twain regarding the grind at the 'Call'. He had lost interest, and when Mark Twain lost interest in something, that thing was pretty much done for him. He was certain his time at the Call would come to an end, and he wondered every day why it was taking so long. The arrangement had become equally frustrating for both the owner and the employee. They eventually had a candid conversation, which led to Mark Twain being let go. In later years, he would jokingly say, with his usual knack for exaggerating his flaws, that he was fired, and the story has been recounted in various ways. George Barnes himself claimed that Clemens resigned quite willingly. It’s likely that the paragraph at the end of Chapter LVIII in 'Roughing It' reflects the situation fairly accurately, though, as usual, the author portrays it in the most unflattering way possible:

“At last one of the proprietors took me aside, with a charity I still remember with considerable respect, and gave me an opportunity to resign my berth, and so save myself the disgrace of a dismissal.”

“At last, one of the owners pulled me aside, showing a kindness I'll always remember with a lot of respect, and offered me a chance to resign from my position, allowing me to avoid the shame of being fired.”

As an extreme contrast with the supposititious “butterfly idleness” of his beginning in San Francisco, and for no other discoverable reason, he doubtless thought it necessary, in the next chapter of that book, to depict himself as having reached the depths of hard luck, debt, and poverty.

As a sharp contrast to the fake “butterfly idleness” of his start in San Francisco, and for no clear reason, he probably felt it was important, in the next chapter of that book, to show himself as hitting rock bottom with bad luck, debt, and poverty.

“I became an adept at slinking,” he says. “I slunk from back street to back street.... I slunk to my bed. I had pawned everything but the clothes I had on.”

“I got really good at sneaking around,” he says. “I crept from back street to back street.... I sneaked to my bed. I had pawned everything except the clothes I was wearing.”

This is pure fiction. That he occasionally found himself short of funds is likely enough—a literary life invites that sort of thing—but that he ever clung to a single “silver ten-cent piece,” as he tells us, and became the familiar of mendicancy, was a condition supplied altogether by his later imagination to satisfy what he must have regarded as an artistic need. Almost immediately following his separation from the 'Call' he arranged with Goodman to write a daily letter for the Enterprise, reporting San Francisco matters after his own notion with a free hand. His payment for this work was thirty dollars a week, and he had an additional return from his literary sketches. The arrangement was an improvement both as to labor and income.

This is pure fiction. It's likely that he sometimes ran low on money—living a literary life often leads to that—but the idea that he ever clung to a single “silver ten-cent piece,” as he claims, and became close to poverty was something created entirely by his later imagination to fulfill what he must have seen as an artistic need. Almost immediately after leaving the 'Call,' he made arrangements with Goodman to write a daily letter for the Enterprise, reporting on San Francisco issues in his own way and with a free hand. He was paid thirty dollars a week for this work, plus additional income from his literary sketches. This setup was an improvement both in terms of workload and pay.

Real affluence appeared on the horizon just then, in the form of a liberal offer for the Tennessee land. But alas! it was from a wine-grower who wished to turn the tract into great vineyards, and Orion had a prohibition seizure at the moment, so the trade was not made. Orion further argued that the prospective purchaser would necessarily be obliged to import horticultural labor from Europe, and that those people might be homesick, badly treated, and consequently unhappy in those far eastern Tennessee mountains. Such was Orion's way.

Real wealth seemed to be on the way just then, in the form of a generous offer for the Tennessee land. But unfortunately, it came from a wine-grower who wanted to turn the land into big vineyards, and Orion was dealing with a prohibition issue at the time, so the deal didn’t happen. Orion also pointed out that the potential buyer would have to bring in agricultural workers from Europe, and those workers might feel homesick, be poorly treated, and therefore be unhappy in those remote eastern Tennessee mountains. That was just how Orion operated.





XLVIII. THE REFUGE OF THE HILLS

Those who remember Mark Twain's Enterprise letters (they are no longer obtainable)—[Many of these are indeed now obtainable by a simple Web search. D.W.]—declare them to have been the greatest series of daily philippics ever written. However this may be, it is certain that they made a stir. Goodman permitted him to say absolutely what he pleased upon any subject. San Francisco was fairly weltering in corruption, official and private. He assailed whatever came first to hand with all the fierceness of a flaming indignation long restrained.

Those who remember Mark Twain's Enterprise letters (they're no longer available)—[Many of these are indeed now obtainable by a simple Web search. D.W.]—say they were the best series of daily critiques ever written. Regardless of that, it's clear they created quite a buzz. Goodman allowed him to speak his mind on any topic. San Francisco was drowning in corruption, both official and private. He attacked whatever came his way with all the intensity of anger that had been building up for a long time.

Quite naturally he attacked the police, and with such ferocity and penetration that as soon as copies of the Enterprise came from Virginia the City Hall began to boil and smoke and threaten trouble. Martin G. Burke, then chief of police, entered libel suit against the Enterprise, prodigiously advertising that paper, copies of which were snatched as soon as the stage brought them.

Naturally, he went after the police with such intensity and insight that as soon as copies of the Enterprise arrived from Virginia, City Hall started to get heated and restless, threatening upheaval. Martin G. Burke, who was the chief of police at the time, filed a libel lawsuit against the Enterprise, which ended up giving that newspaper a ton of publicity, with copies being grabbed as soon as the stage delivered them.

Mark Twain really let himself go then. He wrote a letter that on the outside was marked, “Be sure and let Joe see this before it goes in.” He even doubted himself whether Goodman would dare to print it, after reading. It was a letter describing the city's corrupt morals under the existing police government. It began, “The air is full of lechery, and rumors of lechery,” and continued in a strain which made even the Enterprise printers aghast.

Mark Twain really went all out then. He wrote a letter that on the outside was marked, “Make sure Joe sees this before it gets published.” He even questioned whether Goodman would have the guts to print it after reading it. It was a letter describing the city's corrupt morals under the current police administration. It started with, “The air is filled with lechery, and whispers of lechery,” and continued in a way that left even the Enterprise printers shocked.

“You can never afford to publish that,” the foreman said to, Goodman.

“You can never afford to publish that,” the foreman said to Goodman.

“Let it all go in, every word,” Goodman answered. “If Mark can stand it, I can!”

“Let it all in, every word,” Goodman replied. “If Mark can handle it, I can!”

It seemed unfortunate (at the time) that Steve Gillis should select this particular moment to stir up trouble that would involve both himself and Clemens with the very officials which the latter had undertaken to punish. Passing a saloon one night alone, Gillis heard an altercation going on inside, and very naturally stepped in to enjoy it. Including the barkeeper, there were three against two. Steve ranged himself on the weaker side, and selected the barkeeper, a big bruiser, who, when the fight was over, was ready for the hospital. It turned out that he was one of Chief Burke's minions, and Gillis was presently indicted on a charge of assault with intent to kill. He knew some of the officials in a friendly way, and was advised to give a straw bond and go into temporary retirement. Clemens, of course, went his bail, and Steve set out for Virginia City, until the storm blew over.

It seemed unfortunate at the time that Steve Gillis chose this particular moment to cause trouble that would involve both him and Clemens with the very officials that Clemens was trying to take down. One night, while passing a bar alone, Gillis heard a fight happening inside and naturally stepped in to check it out. Including the bartender, there were three people on one side and two on the other. Steve joined the weaker side and picked the bartender, a huge bruiser, who, by the end of the fight, was ready for the hospital. It turned out he was one of Chief Burke's goons, and Gillis was soon charged with assault with intent to kill. He knew some of the officials casually and was advised to post a nominal bond and go into temporary hiding. Clemens, of course, bailed him out, and Steve headed to Virginia City until things calmed down.

This was Burke's opportunity. When the case was called and Gillis did not appear, Burke promptly instituted an action against his bondsman, with an execution against his loose property. The watch that had been given him as Governor of the Third House came near being thus sacrificed in the cause of friendship, and was only saved by skilful manipulation.

This was Burke's chance. When the case was called and Gillis didn’t show up, Burke quickly took action against his bondsman, executing against his unsecured assets. The watch that had been given to him when he was Governor of the Third House almost got sacrificed for the sake of friendship, and it was only saved through some clever maneuvering.

Now, it was down in the chain of circumstances that Steve Gillis's brother, James N. Gillis, a gentle-hearted hermit, a pocket-miner of the halcyon Tuolumne district—the Truthful James of Bret Harte—happened to be in San Francisco at this time, and invited Clemens to return with him to the far seclusion of his cabin on Jackass Hill. In that peaceful retreat were always rest and refreshment for the wayfarer, and more than one weary writer besides Bret Harte had found shelter there. James Gillis himself had fine literary instincts, but he remained a pocket-miner because he loved that quiet pursuit of gold, the Arcadian life, the companionship of his books, the occasional Bohemian pilgrim who found refuge in his retreat. It is said that the sick were made well, and the well made better, in Jim Gillis's cabin on the hilltop, where the air was nectar and the stillness like enchantment. One could mine there if he wished to do so; Jim would always furnish him a promising claim, and teach him the art of following the little fan-like drift of gold specks to the nested deposit of nuggets somewhere up the hillside. He regularly shared his cabin with one Dick Stoker (Dick Baker, of 'Roughing It'), another genial soul who long ago had retired from the world to this forgotten land, also with Dick's cat, Tom Quartz; but there was always room for guests.

Now, it was in the midst of these events that Steve Gillis's brother, James N. Gillis, a kind-hearted hermit and pocket-miner from the serene Tuolumne district—the Truthful James of Bret Harte—happened to be in San Francisco at that time and invited Clemens to come back with him to the peaceful solitude of his cabin on Jackass Hill. In that tranquil retreat, there was always rest and refreshment for travelers, and more than one weary writer, including Bret Harte, had found shelter there. James Gillis had a talent for literature but chose to be a pocket-miner because he loved the quiet pursuit of gold, the idyllic life, the company of his books, and the occasional artistic visitor who sought refuge in his haven. People say that the sick became well and the healthy even better at Jim Gillis's cabin on the hilltop, where the air felt like nectar and the peacefulness was enchanting. If someone wanted to mine, Jim would gladly provide them with a promising claim and teach them how to follow the fan-like drift of gold specks to the hidden deposit of nuggets somewhere up the hillside. He regularly shared his cabin with a guy named Dick Stoker (Dick Baker from 'Roughing It'), another friendly soul who had long since retreated from the world to this forgotten land, along with Dick's cat, Tom Quartz; but there was always room for guests.

In 'Roughing It', and in a later story, “The Californian's Tale,” Mark Twain has made us acquainted with the verdant solitude of the Tuolumne hills, that dreamy, delicious paradise where once a vast population had gathered when placer-mining had been in its bloom, a dozen years before. The human swarm had scattered when the washings failed to pay, leaving only a quiet emptiness and the few pocket-miners along the Stanislaus and among the hills. Vast areas of that section present a strange appearance to-day. Long stretches there are, crowded and jammed and drifted with ghostly white stones that stand up like fossils of a prehistoric life—the earth deposit which once covered them entirely washed away, every particle of it removed by the greedy hordes, leaving only this vast bleaching drift, literally the “picked bones of the land.” At one place stands Columbia, regarded once as a rival to Sacramento, a possible State capital—a few tumbling shanties now—and a ruined church.

In 'Roughing It' and later in “The Californian's Tale,” Mark Twain introduces us to the lush isolation of the Tuolumne hills, a dreamy, beautiful paradise where a large population gathered during the peak of placer mining, a dozen years ago. The crowd dispersed when the mining stopped being profitable, leaving behind a still emptiness and a few pocket miners along the Stanislaus and in the hills. Today, large areas of this region have a strange look. There are long stretches filled with ghostly white stones that stand like fossils from a prehistoric era—the earth that once covered them completely has been washed away, every bit of it removed by the greedy miners, leaving behind this vast bleached residue, literally the “picked bones of the land.” In one spot stands Columbia, once seen as a competitor to Sacramento and a potential State capital—now just a few crumbling shanties and a ruined church.

It was the 4th of December, 1864, when Mark Twain arrived at Jim Gillis's cabin. He found it a humble habitation made of logs and slabs, partly sheltered by a great live-oak tree, surrounded by a stretch of grass. It had not much in the way of pretentious furniture, but there was a large fireplace, and a library which included the standard authors. A younger Gillis boy, William, was there at this time, so that the family numbered five in all, including Tom Quartz, the cat. On rainy days they would gather about the big, open fire and Jim Gillis, with his back to the warmth, would relate diverting yarns, creations of his own, turned out hot from the anvil, forged as he went along. He had a startling imagination, and he had fostered it in that secluded place. His stories usually consisted of wonderful adventures of his companion, Dick Stoker, portrayed with humor and that serene and vagrant fancy which builds as it goes, careless as to whither it is proceeding and whether the story shall end well or ill, soon or late, if ever. He always pretended that these extravagant tales of Stoker were strictly true; and Stoker—“forty-six and gray as a rat”—earnest, thoughtful, and tranquilly serene, would smoke and look into the fire and listen to those astonishing things of himself, smiling a little now and then but saying never a word. What did it matter to him? He had no world outside of the cabin and the hills, no affairs; he would live and die there; his affairs all had ended long ago. A number of the stories used in Mark Twain's books were first told by Jim Gillis, standing with his hands crossed behind him, back to the fire, in the cabin on jackass Hill. The story of Dick Baker's cat was one of these; the jaybird and Acorn story of 'A Tramp Abroad' was another; also the story of the “Burning Shame,” and there are others. Mark Twain had little to add to these stories; in fact, he never could get them to sound as well, he said, as when Jim Gillis had told them.

It was December 4th, 1864, when Mark Twain showed up at Jim Gillis's cabin. He found it a modest home made of logs and slabs, partly sheltered by a large live-oak tree, surrounded by a patch of grass. There wasn’t much fancy furniture, but there was a big fireplace and a library that included the classic authors. A younger Gillis boy, William, was there at the time, making the family five in total, including Tom Quartz, the cat. On rainy days they would gather around the big, open fire, and Jim Gillis, with his back to the warmth, would tell entertaining stories, creations of his own, fresh from his imagination, crafted on the spot. He had a vivid imagination, and he nurtured it in that isolated place. His stories usually involved the fantastic adventures of his buddy, Dick Stoker, told with humor and that easy, wandering creativity that builds as it unfolds, indifferent to where it's going or whether the story would end well or poorly, soon or late, if ever. He always claimed these extravagant tales about Stoker were entirely true; and Stoker—“forty-six and gray as a rat”—earnest, reflective, and calmly serene, would smoke and stare into the fire, listening to those amazing stories about himself, smiling a little now and then but saying nothing at all. What did it matter to him? He had no world beyond the cabin and the hills, no concerns; he would live and die there; his business had all wrapped up long ago. Many of the stories used in Mark Twain's books were first shared by Jim Gillis, standing with his hands crossed behind him, back to the fire, in the cabin on Jackass Hill. The story of Dick Baker's cat was one of these; the jaybird and Acorn story from 'A Tramp Abroad' was another; also the story of the “Burning Shame,” and there are others. Mark Twain had little to add to these stories; in fact, he said he could never make them sound as good as when Jim Gillis told them.

James Gillis's imagination sometimes led him into difficulties. Once a feeble old squaw came along selling some fruit that looked like green plums. Stoker, who knew the fruit well enough, carelessly ventured the remark that it might be all right, but he had never heard of anybody eating it, which set Gillis off into eloquent praises of its delights, all of which he knew to be purely imaginary; whereupon Stoker told him if he liked the fruit so well, to buy some of it. There was no escape after that; Jim had to buy some of those plums, whose acid was of the hair-lifting aqua-fortis variety, and all the rest of the day he stewed them, adding sugar, trying to make them palatable, tasting them now and then, boasting meanwhile of their nectar-like deliciousness. He gave the others a taste by and by—a withering, corroding sup—and they derided him and rode him down. But Jim never weakened. He ate that fearful brew, and though for days his mouth was like fire he still referred to the luscious health-giving joys of the “Californian plums.”

James Gillis's imagination sometimes got him into trouble. One time, a frail old woman came by selling some fruit that looked like green plums. Stoker, who recognized the fruit, casually mentioned that it might be okay, but he’d never heard of anyone eating it, which sparked Gillis to rave about how great it was, even though he knew it was all in his head. Stoker then told him if he loved the fruit so much, he should just buy some. There was no backing out after that; Jim had to buy some of those plums, which had an incredibly sour taste like battery acid, and all day long he tried to cook them, adding sugar to make them taste better, sampling them occasionally while bragging about their amazing flavor. Eventually, he let the others try some—a nasty, corrosive spoonful—and they mocked him relentlessly. But Jim didn’t give in. He ate that awful concoction, and even though his mouth felt like it was on fire for days, he still talked about the delicious health benefits of the “Californian plums.”

Jackass Hill was not altogether a solitude; here and there were neighbors. Another pocket-miner; named Carrington, had a cabin not far away, and a mile or two distant lived an old couple with a pair of pretty daughters, so plump and trim and innocent, that they were called the “Chapparal Quails.” Young men from far and near paid court to them, and on Sunday afternoons so many horses would be tied to their front fence as to suggest an afternoon service there. Young “Billy” Gillis knew them, and one Sunday morning took his brother's friend, Sam Clemens, over for a call. They went early, with forethought, and promptly took the girls for a walk. They took a long walk, and went wandering over the hills, toward Sandy Bar and the Stanislaus—through that reposeful land which Bret Harte would one day light with idyllic romance—and toward evening found themselves a long way from home. They must return by the nearest way to arrive before dark. One of the young ladies suggested a short cut through the Chemisal, and they started. But they were lost, presently, and it was late, very late, when at last they reached the ranch. The mother of the “Quails” was sitting up for them, and she had something to say. She let go a perfect storm of general denunciation, then narrowed the attack to Samuel Clemens as the oldest of the party. He remained mildly serene.

Jackass Hill wasn’t completely isolated; there were neighbors here and there. Another miner named Carrington had a cabin nearby, and a mile or two away lived an older couple with two lovely daughters who were so plump, neat, and innocent that they were called the “Chapparal Quails.” Young men from all over came to win their favor, and on Sunday afternoons, so many horses would be tied to their front fence that it looked like there was a service happening. Young “Billy” Gillis knew them and one Sunday morning took his brother's friend, Sam Clemens, over to visit. They went early, thinking ahead, and quickly took the girls out for a walk. They wandered for a long time over the hills toward Sandy Bar and the Stanislaus—through that peaceful land that Bret Harte would later fill with idyllic romance—and by evening, they found themselves pretty far from home. They had to take the quickest route back to make it before dark. One of the young ladies suggested a shortcut through the Chemisal, and they set off. But they soon got lost, and it was very late when they finally returned to the ranch. The mother of the “Quails” was waiting up for them, and she had a lot to say. She unleashed a full-blown tirade of general rebuke, then zeroed in on Samuel Clemens as the oldest of the group. He stayed calm and relaxed.

“It wasn't my fault,” he ventured at last; “it was Billy Gillis's fault.”

“It wasn't my fault,” he finally said; “it was Billy Gillis's fault.”

“No such thing. You know better. Mr. Gillis has been here often. It was you.”

“No way. You know that's not true. Mr. Gillis has been here a lot. It was you.”

“But do you realize, ma'am, how tired and hungry we are? Haven't you got a bite for us to eat?”

“But do you realize, ma'am, how tired and hungry we are? Don't you have something for us to eat?”

“No, sir, not a bite—for such as you.”

“No, sir, not a chance—for someone like you.”

The offender's eyes, wandering about the room, spied something in a corner.

The offender's eyes, drifting around the room, noticed something in a corner.

“Isn't that a guitar over there?” he asked.

“Isn’t that a guitar over there?” he asked.

“Yes, sir, it is; what of it?”

“Yes, sir, it is; what about it?”

The culprit walked over, and taking it up, tuned the strings a little and struck the chords. Then he began to sing. He began very softly and sang “Fly Away, Pretty Moth,” then “Araby's Daughter.” He could sing very well in those days, following with the simpler chords. Perhaps the mother “Quail” had known those songs herself back in the States, for her manner grew kindlier, almost with the first notes. When he had finished she was the first to ask him to go on.

The culprit walked over, picked it up, tuned the strings a bit, and struck the chords. Then he started to sing. He began very softly and sang “Fly Away, Pretty Moth,” then “Araby's Daughter.” He could sing really well back then, continuing with the simpler chords. Maybe the mother “Quail” had known those songs herself back in the States, because her demeanor became warmer, almost with the first notes. When he finished, she was the first to ask him to keep going.

“I suppose you are just like all young folks,” she said. “I was young myself once. While you sing I'll get some supper.”

“I guess you’re just like all young people,” she said. “I was young once too. While you sing, I’ll make some dinner.”

She left the door to the kitchen open so that she could hear, and cooked whatever she could find for the belated party.

She left the kitchen door open so she could hear and cooked whatever she could find for the late party.





XLIX. THE JUMPING FROG

It was the rainy season, the winter of 1864 and 1865, but there were many pleasant days, when they could go pocket-hunting, and Samuel Clemens soon added a knowledge of this fascinating science to his other acquirements. Sometimes he worked with Dick Stoker, sometimes with one of the Gillis boys. He did not make his fortune at pocket-mining; he only laid its corner-stone. In the old note-book he kept of that sojourn we find that, with Jim Gillis, he made a trip over into Calaveras County soon after Christmas and remained there until after New Year's, probably prospecting; and he records that on New Year's night, at Vallecito, he saw a magnificent lunar rainbow in a very light, drizzling rain. A lunax rainbow is one of the things people seldom see. He thought it an omen of good-fortune.

It was the rainy season during the winter of 1864 and 1865, but there were plenty of nice days when they could go pocket-hunting, and Samuel Clemens quickly picked up knowledge of this intriguing activity along with his other skills. Sometimes he worked with Dick Stoker, and other times with one of the Gillis boys. He didn’t strike it rich with pocket-mining; he just laid the groundwork for it. In the old notebook he kept from that time, we find that, with Jim Gillis, he took a trip over to Calaveras County soon after Christmas and stayed there until after New Year's, probably exploring for gold; he notes that on New Year's night, in Vallecito, he saw a stunning lunar rainbow in a light, drizzling rain. A lunar rainbow is something people rarely see. He thought it was a sign of good luck.

They returned to the cabin on the hill; but later in the month, on the they crossed over into Calaveras again, and began pocket-hunting not far from Angel's Camp. The note-book records that the bill of fare at the Camp hotel consisted wholly of beans and something which bore the name of coffee; also that the rains were frequent and heavy.

They went back to the cabin on the hill; but later in the month, on the, they crossed back into Calaveras and started searching for gold not far from Angel's Camp. The notebook notes that the menu at the Camp hotel was entirely made up of beans and something called coffee; it also mentioned that the rains were frequent and heavy.

    January 27. Same old diet—same old weather—went out to the
    pocket-claim—had to rush back.
    January 27. Same old diet—same old weather—went out to the pocket-claim—had to rush back.

They had what they believed to be a good claim. Jim Gillis declared the indications promising, and if they could only have good weather to work it, they were sure of rich returns. For himself, he would have been willing to work, rain or shine. Clemens, however, had different views on the subject. His part was carrying water for washing out the pans of dirt, and carrying pails of water through the cold rain and mud was not very fascinating work. Dick Stoker came over before long to help. Things went a little better then; but most of their days were spent in the bar-room of the dilapidated tavern at Angel's Camp, enjoying the company of a former Illinois River pilot, Ben Coon,—[This name has been variously given as “Ros Coon,” “Coon Drayton,” etc. It is given here as set down in Mark Twain's notes, made on the spot. Coon was not (as has been stated) the proprietor of the hotel (which was kept by a Frenchman), but a frequenter of it.]—a solemn, fat-witted person, who dozed by the stove, or old slow, endless stories, without point or application. Listeners were a boon to him, for few came and not many would stay. To Mark Twain and Jim Gillis, however, Ben Coon was a delight. It was soothing and comfortable to listen to his endless narratives, told in that solemn way, with no suspicion of humor. Even when his yarns had point, he did not recognize it. One dreary afternoon, in his slow, monotonous fashion, he told them about a frog—a frog that had belonged to a man named Coleman, who trained it to jump, but that failed to win a wager because the owner of a rival frog had surreptitiously loaded the trained jumper with shot. The story had circulated among the camps, and a well-known journalist, named Samuel Seabough, had already made a squib of it, but neither Clemens nor Gillis had ever happened to hear it before. They thought the tale in itself amusing, and the “spectacle of a man drifting serenely along through such a queer yarn without ever smiling was exquisitely absurd.” When Coon had talked himself out, his hearers played billiards on the frowsy table, and now and then one would remark to the other:

They thought they had a good claim. Jim Gillis said the signs were promising, and if they could just have decent weather to work, they were sure of making a lot of money. As for him, he was ready to work, rain or shine. Clemens, however, felt differently about it. His job was to carry water for washing out the dirt, and hauling buckets of water through the cold rain and mud was not exactly thrilling. Dick Stoker came by soon to help. Things improved a bit then, but most of their days were spent in the barroom of the run-down tavern at Angel's Camp, enjoying the company of a former Illinois River pilot, Ben Coon,—[This name has been variously given as “Ros Coon,” “Coon Drayton,” etc. It is given here as set down in Mark Twain's notes, made on the spot. Coon was not (as has been stated) the proprietor of the hotel (which was kept by a Frenchman), but a frequenter of it.]—a serious, slow-witted guy who dozed by the stove, spinning old, tedious stories that had no point or application. Listeners were a blessing to him, as few came and not many stayed. However, for Mark Twain and Jim Gillis, Ben Coon was a real treat. It was soothing and comfortable to listen to his never-ending tales, told with such seriousness and no hint of humor. Even when his stories made sense, he didn’t realize it. One dreary afternoon, in his slow, monotone style, he told them about a frog—a frog that belonged to a man named Coleman, who trained it to jump but lost a bet because the owner of a competing frog had secretly weighted the trained jumper with shot. The story had made the rounds among the camps, and a well-known journalist named Samuel Seabough had already written a brief piece about it, but neither Clemens nor Gillis had heard it before. They found the story amusing, and the sight of a man calmly drifting through such a strange tale without ever cracking a smile was hilariously absurd. Once Coon had run out of steam, his listeners played billiards on the shabby table, and now and then one would say to the other:

“I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog,” and perhaps the other would answer:

“I don't see any points about that frog that are better than any other frog,” and maybe the other would reply:

“I ain't got no frog, but if I had a frog I'd bet you.”

“I don’t have a frog, but if I did, I’d bet you.”

Out on the claim, between pails of water, Clemens, as he watched Jim Gillis or Dick Stoker “washing,” would be apt to say, “I don't see no p'ints about that pan o' dirt that's any better'n any other pan o' dirt,” and so they kept it up.

Out on the claim, between buckets of water, Clemens, while watching Jim Gillis or Dick Stoker “washing,” would likely say, “I don’t see anything about that pan of dirt that’s any better than any other pan of dirt,” and so they continued.

Then the rain would come again and interfere with their work. One afternoon, when Clemens and Gillis were following certain tiny-sprayed specks of gold that were leading them to pocket—somewhere up the long slope, the chill downpour set in. Gillis, as usual, was washing, and Clemens carrying water. The “color” was getting better with every pan, and Jim Gillis believed that now, after their long waiting, they were to be rewarded. Possessed with the miner's passion, he would have gone on washing and climbing toward the precious pocket, regardless of everything. Clemens, however, shivering and disgusted, swore that each pail of water was his last. His teeth were chattering and he was wet through. Finally he said, in his deliberate way:

Then the rain came again and messed up their work. One afternoon, when Clemens and Gillis were chasing after some tiny glimmers of gold that were leading them to a pocket somewhere up the long slope, a chill downpour began. Gillis, as usual, was washing, while Clemens was hauling water. The "color" was improving with every pan, and Jim Gillis believed that after their long wait, they were finally going to be rewarded. Driven by the miner's passion, he would have kept washing and climbing toward the precious pocket, no matter what. Clemens, however, shivering and fed up, swore that every pail of water would be his last. His teeth were chattering, and he was soaked through. Finally, he said, in his usual slow manner:

“Jim, I won't carry any more water. This work is too disagreeable.”

“Jim, I’m not carrying any more water. This work is too unpleasant.”

Gillis had just taken out a panful of dirt.

Gillis had just taken out a pan full of dirt.

“Bring one more pail, Sam,” he pleaded.

“Bring one more bucket, Sam,” he begged.

“Oh, hell, Jim, I won't do it; I'm freezing!”

“Oh, come on, Jim, I can’t do it; I’m freezing!”

“Just one more pail, Sam,” he pleaded.

“Just one more bucket, Sam,” he begged.

“No, sir, not a drop, not if I knew there were a million dollars in that pan.”

“No way, sir, not a drop, not even if I knew there were a million dollars in that pan.”

Gillis tore a page out of his note-book, and hastily posted a thirty-day claim notice by the pan of dirt, and they set out for Angel's Camp. It kept on raining and storming, and they did not go back. A few days later a letter from Steve Gillis made Clemens decide to return to San Francisco. With Jim Gillis and Dick Stoker he left Angel's and walked across the mountains to Jackass Hill in the snow-storm—“the first I ever saw in California,” he says in his notes.

Gillis ripped a page from his notebook and quickly posted a thirty-day claim notice by the pile of dirt, then they headed out for Angel's Camp. It continued to rain and storm, and they didn’t go back. A few days later, a letter from Steve Gillis made Clemens decide to return to San Francisco. With Jim Gillis and Dick Stoker, he left Angel's and walked across the mountains to Jackass Hill in the snowstorm—“the first I ever saw in California,” he notes.

In the mean time the rain had washed away the top of the pan of earth they had left standing on the hillside, and exposed a handful of nuggets-pure gold. Two strangers, Austrians, had come along and, observing it, had sat down to wait until the thirty-day claim notice posted by Jim Gillis should expire. They did not mind the rain—not with all that gold in sight—and the minute the thirty days were up they followed the lead a few pans farther and took out—some say ten, some say twenty, thousand dollars. In either case it was a good pocket. Mark Twain missed it by one pail of water. Still, it is just as well, perhaps, when one remembers that vaster nugget of Angel's Camp—the Jumping Frog. Jim Gillis always declared, “If Sam had got that pocket he would have remained a pocket-miner to the end of his days, like me.”

In the meantime, the rain had washed away the top layer of soil they had left on the hillside, revealing a handful of nuggets—pure gold. Two strangers, Austrians, came by and, seeing it, sat down to wait until the thirty-day claim notice posted by Jim Gillis expired. They didn't mind the rain—not with all that gold in sight—and as soon as the thirty days were up, they followed the lead a few pans further and pulled out—some say ten, some say twenty thousand dollars. In any case, it was a nice haul. Mark Twain missed out by just one pail of water. Still, it’s probably for the best when you think of the bigger prize at Angel’s Camp—the Jumping Frog. Jim Gillis always insisted, “If Sam had gotten that pocket, he would’ve been a pocket-miner for the rest of his life, just like me.”

In Mark Twain's old note-book occurs a memorandum of the frog story—a mere casual entry of its main features:

In Mark Twain's old notebook, there's a note about the frog story—a simple entry mentioning its main points:

    Coleman with his jumping frog—bet stranger $50—stranger had no
    frog, and C. got him one:—in the mean time stranger filled C.'s
    frog full of shot and he couldn't jump. The stranger's frog won.
    Coleman had his jumping frog—bet a stranger $50—the stranger didn’t have a frog, so Coleman got him one: in the meantime, the stranger filled Coleman’s frog full of shot, so it couldn’t jump. The stranger’s frog won.

It seemed unimportant enough, no doubt, at the time; but it was the nucleus around which was built a surpassing fame. The hills along the Stanislaus have turned out some wonderful nuggets in their time, but no other of such size as that.

It seemed pretty insignificant at the time, but it became the center of a remarkable reputation. The hills along the Stanislaus have produced some incredible nuggets over the years, but none as large as that one.





L. BACK TO THE TUMULT

FROM the note-book:

    February 25. Arrived in Stockton 5 p.m. Home again home again at
    the Occidental Hotel, San Francisco—find letters from Artemus Ward
    asking me to write a sketch for his new book of Nevada Territory
    Travels which is soon to come out. Too late—ought to have got the
    letters three months ago. They are dated early in November.
    February 25. Arrived in Stockton at 5 p.m. Home again, home again at the Occidental Hotel, San Francisco—found letters from Artemus Ward asking me to write a sketch for his new book on Nevada Territory Travels, which is coming out soon. Too late—should have received the letters three months ago. They’re dated early November.

He was sorry not to oblige Ward, sorry also not to have representation in his book. He wrote explaining the circumstance, and telling the story of his absence. Steve Gillis, meantime, had returned to San Francisco, and settled his difficulties there. The friends again took up residence together.

He felt bad for not being able to help Ward and also for not being included in his book. He wrote explaining the situation and sharing the story of his absence. In the meantime, Steve Gillis had returned to San Francisco and sorted out his issues there. The friends moved back in together.

Mark Twain resumed his daily letters to the Enterprise, without further annoyance from official sources. Perhaps there was a temporary truce in that direction, though he continued to attack various abuses—civic, private, and artistic—becoming a sort of general censor, establishing for himself the title of the “Moralist of the Main.” The letters were reprinted in San Francisco and widely read. Now and then some one had the temerity to answer them, but most of his victims maintained a discreet silence. In one of these letters he told of the Mexican oyster, a rather tough, unsatisfactory article of diet, which could not stand criticism, and presently disappeared from the market. It was a mistake, however, for him to attack an Alta journalist by the name of Evans. Evans was a poet, and once composed an elegy with a refrain which ended:

Mark Twain started writing his daily letters to the Enterprise again, without further disturbances from official sources. Maybe there was a brief pause in that area, but he kept criticizing various issues—city governance, personal matters, and the arts—becoming a kind of overall watchdog, earning himself the nickname “Moralist of the Main.” The letters were reprinted in San Francisco and gained a wide readership. Occasionally, someone had the boldness to respond, but most of his targets chose to remain silent. In one of these letters, he talked about the Mexican oyster, a tough and disappointing food that couldn’t handle criticism, and soon vanished from the market. However, it was a mistake for him to go after an Alta journalist named Evans. Evans was a poet and once wrote an elegy with a refrain that ended:

       Gone, gone, gone
       —Gone to his endeavor;
       Gone, gone, gone,
       Forever and forever.
       Gone, gone, gone  
       —Gone to his pursuit;  
       Gone, gone, gone,  
       Forever and ever.  

In the Enterprise letter following its publication Mark Twain referred to this poem. He parodied the refrain and added, “If there is any criticism to make on it I should say there is a little too much 'gone' and not enough 'forever.'”

In the Enterprise letter after it was published, Mark Twain mentioned this poem. He made fun of the refrain and added, “If I were to criticize it, I’d say there’s a bit too much 'gone' and not enough 'forever.'”

It was a more or less pointless witticism, but it had a humorous quotable flavor, and it made Evans mad. In a squib in the Alta he retaliated:

It was a pretty pointless joke, but it had a funny, quotable vibe, and it made Evans angry. In a brief article in the Alta, he hit back:

    Mark Twain has killed the Mexican oyster. We only regret that the
    act was not inspired by a worthier motive. Mark Twain's sole reason
    for attacking the Mexican oyster was because the restaurant that
    sold them refused him credit.
    Mark Twain has taken down the Mexican oyster. We only wish that the
    action was driven by a more honorable reason. Mark Twain's only reason
    for going after the Mexican oyster was that the restaurant that served them
    denied him credit.

A deadly thrust like that could not be parried in print. To deny or recriminate would be to appear ridiculous. One could only sweat and breathe vengeance.

A deadly jab like that couldn’t be countered in writing. To deny it or retaliate would just make one look foolish. All one could do was sweat and plot revenge.

“Joe,” he said to Goodman, who had come over for a visit, “my one object in life now is to make enough money to stand trial and then go and murder Evans.”

“Joe,” he said to Goodman, who had come over for a visit, “my only goal in life now is to make enough money to go to trial and then murder Evans.”

He wrote verses himself sometimes, and lightened his Enterprise letters with jingles. One of these concerned Tom Maguire, the autocrat manager of San Francisco theaters. It details Maguire's assault on one of his actors.

He sometimes wrote his own verses and added some jingles to his Enterprise letters. One of these was about Tom Maguire, the boss of San Francisco theaters. It describes Maguire's attack on one of his actors.

       Tom Maguire,
       Roused to ire,
       Lighted on McDougal;
       Tore his coat,
       Clutched his throat,
       And split him in the bugle.

       For shame! oh, fie!
       Maguire, why
       Will you thus skyugle?
       Why curse and swear,
       And rip and tear
       The innocent McDougal?

       Of bones bereft,
       Almost, you've left
       Vestvali, gentle Jew gal;
       And now you've smashed
       And almost hashed
       The form of poor McDougall
       Tom Maguire,  
       Fueled by anger,  
       Showed up at McDougal;  
       Ripped his coat,  
       Gripped his throat,  
       And messed him up badly.  

       For shame! oh, come on!  
       Maguire, why  
       Do you act like this?  
       Why swear and shout,  
       And fight it out  
       With poor innocent McDougal?  

       With bones nearly broke,  
       You've left  
       Vestvali, sweet Jewish girl;  
       And now you've smashed  
       And nearly trashed  
       The poor form of McDougal.  

Goodman remembers that Clemens and Gillis were together again on California Street at this time, and of hearing them sing, “The Doleful Ballad of the Rejected Lover,” another of Mark Twain's compositions. It was a wild, blasphemous outburst, and the furious fervor with which Mark and Steve delivered it, standing side by side and waving their fists, did not render it less objectionable. Such memories as these are set down here, for they exhibit a phase of that robust personality, built of the same primeval material from which the world was created—built of every variety of material, in fact, ever incorporated in a human being—equally capable of writing unprintable coarseness and that rarest and most tender of all characterizations, the 'Recollections of JOAN of ARC'.

Goodman recalls that Clemens and Gillis were together again on California Street at this time, and he remembers hearing them sing, “The Doleful Ballad of the Rejected Lover,” another one of Mark Twain's works. It was a wild, irreverent outburst, and the intense passion with which Mark and Steve performed it, standing side by side and waving their fists, didn’t make it any less offensive. Such memories are noted here, as they show a side of that strong personality, made from the same fundamental material that the world was created from—made from every kind of substance that has ever been part of a human being—equally capable of crafting unprintable crudeness and that rarest and most delicate of all portrayals, the 'Recollections of JOAN of ARC'.





LI. THE CORNER-STONE

Along with his Enterprise work, Clemens continued to write occasionally for the Californian, but for some reason he did not offer the story of the jumping frog. For one thing, he did not regard it highly as literary material. He knew that he had enjoyed it himself, but the humor and fashion of its telling seemed to him of too simple and mild a variety in that day of boisterous incident and exaggerated form. By and by Artemus Ward turned up in San Francisco, and one night Mark Twain told him his experiences with Jim Gillis, and in Angel's Camp; also of Ben Coon and his tale of the Calaveras frog. Ward was delighted.

Along with his work for the Enterprise, Clemens occasionally wrote for the Californian, but for some reason, he didn’t submit the story about the jumping frog. For one thing, he didn’t think very highly of it as literary material. He knew he had enjoyed it himself, but the humor and style of how it was told seemed too simple and mild for that time of loud incidents and exaggerated forms. Eventually, Artemus Ward showed up in San Francisco, and one night Mark Twain shared his experiences with Jim Gillis and in Angel's Camp, as well as Ben Coon and his story about the Calaveras frog. Ward was thrilled.

“Write it,” he said. “There is still time to get it into my volume of sketches. Send it to Carleton, my publisher in New York.”—[This is in accordance with Mr. Clemens's recollection of the matter. The author can find no positive evidence that Ward was on the Pacific coast again in 1865. It seems likely, therefore, that the telling of the frog story and his approval of it were accomplished by exchange of letters.]—Clemens promised to do this, but delayed fulfilment somewhat, and by the time the sketch reached Carleton, Ward's book was about ready for the press. It did not seem worth while to Carleton to make any change of plans that would include the frog story. The publisher handed it over to Henry Clapp, editor of the Saturday Press, a perishing sheet, saying: “Here, Clapp, here's something you can use in your paper.” Clapp took it thankfully enough, we may believe.

“Write it,” he said. “There’s still time to get it into my collection of sketches. Send it to Carleton, my publisher in New York.” —[This aligns with Mr. Clemens's memory of the situation. The author can find no solid evidence that Ward was back on the Pacific coast in 1865. It seems likely, then, that the frog story was shared and approved through letters.]—Clemens promised to do this but postponed it a bit, and by the time the sketch reached Carleton, Ward's book was nearly ready for publication. It didn’t seem worth it to Carleton to change plans to include the frog story. The publisher handed it over to Henry Clapp, editor of the Saturday Press, a struggling publication, saying: “Here, Clapp, here’s something you can use in your paper.” Clapp accepted it with gratitude, we can assume.

“Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog”—[This was the original title.]—appeared in the Saturday Press of November 18, 1865, and was immediately copied and quoted far and near. It brought the name of Mark Twain across the mountains, bore it up and down the Atlantic coast, and out over the prairies of the Middle West. Away from the Pacific slope only a reader here and there had known the name before. Now every one who took a newspaper was treated to the tale of the wonderful Calaveras frog, and received a mental impress of the author's signature. The name Mark Twain became hardly an institution, as yet, but it made a strong bid for national acceptance.

“Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog”—[This was the original title.]—was published in the Saturday Press on November 18, 1865, and was quickly copied and referenced everywhere. It brought Mark Twain’s name across the mountains, along the Atlantic coast, and out into the Midwest prairies. Before this, only a few readers on the Pacific side had heard of him. Now, almost everyone who read a newspaper got to enjoy the story of the amazing Calaveras frog, leaving a lasting impression of the author's name. The name Mark Twain wasn't quite an institution yet, but it was making a strong case for national recognition.

As for its owner, he had no suspicion of these momentous happenings for a considerable time. The telegraph did not carry such news in those days, and it took a good while for the echo of his victory to travel to the Coast. When at last a lagging word of it did arrive, it would seem to have brought disappointment, rather than exaltation, to the author. Even Artemus Ward's opinion of the story had not increased Mark Twain's regard for it as literature. That it had struck the popular note meant, as he believed, failure for his more highly regarded work. In a letter written January 20, 1866, he says these things for himself:

As for the owner, he had no idea about these significant events for quite a while. Back then, the telegraph didn't share such news, and it took a long time for the word of his victory to reach the Coast. When the news finally did arrive, it seemed to bring disappointment instead of joy to the author. Even Artemus Ward's take on the story didn't boost Mark Twain's appreciation for it as literature. The fact that it had resonated with the public made him believe it was a failure compared to his more respected work. In a letter written on January 20, 1866, he expresses these thoughts himself:

    I do not know what to write; my life is so uneventful. I wish I was
    back there piloting up and down the river again. Verily, all is
    vanity and little worth—save piloting.

    To think that, after writing many an article a man might be excused
    for thinking tolerably good, those New York people should single out
    a villainous backwoods sketch to compliment me on! “Jim Smiley and
    His Jumping Frog”—a squib which would never have been written but
    to please Artemus Ward, and then it reached New York too late to
    appear in his book.

    But no matter. His book was a wretchedly poor one, generally
    speaking, and it could be no credit to either of us to appear
    between its covers.
    I don’t know what to write; my life is so boring. I wish I could go back to piloting up and down the river again. Honestly, everything feels pointless except for piloting.

    To think that after writing many articles, a guy might feel somewhat good about his work, and those New York people should pick out a lousy backwoods story to compliment me on! “Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog”—a short piece that I only wrote to entertain Artemus Ward, and then it got to New York too late to be in his book.

    But whatever. His book was pretty terrible overall, and it wouldn’t do either of us any good to be featured in it.

This paragraph is from the New York correspondence of the San Francisco Alta:

This paragraph is from the New York correspondence of the San Francisco Alta:

    “Mark Twain's story in the Saturday Press of November 18th, called
    'Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog,' has set all New York in a roar,
    and he may be said to have made his mark. I have been asked fifty
    times about it and its author, and the papers are copying it far and
    near. It is voted the best thing of the day. Cannot the
    'Californian' afford to keep Mark all to itself? It should not let
    him scintillate so widely without first being filtered through the
    California press.”

    The New York publishing house of Carleton & Co. gave the sketch to
    the Saturday Press when they found it was too late for the book.
“Mark Twain's story in the Saturday Press on November 18th, called 'Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog,' has everyone in New York laughing, and he’s definitely made a name for himself. I’ve been asked about it and its author a hundred times, and newspapers are reprinting it everywhere. It’s considered the best thing out today. Can't the 'Californian' keep Mark all to itself? It shouldn’t let him shine so bright without first sharing him through the California press.”

The New York publishing house of Carleton & Co. submitted the sketch to the Saturday Press when they realized it was too late for the book.

It is difficult to judge the jumping Frog story to-day. It has the intrinsic fundamental value of one of AEsop's Fables.—[The resemblance of the frog story to the early Greek tales must have been noted by Prof. Henry Sidgwick, who synopsized it in Greek form and phrase for his book, Greek Prose Composition. Through this originated the impression that the story was of Athenian root. Mark Twain himself was deceived, until in 1899, when he met Professor Sidgwick, who explained that the Greek version was the translation and Mark Twain's the original; that he had thought it unnecessary to give credit for a story so well known. See The Jumping Frog, Harper & Bros., 1903, p. 64.]—It contains a basic idea which is essentially ludicrous, and the quaint simplicity of its telling is convincing and full of charm. It appeared in print at a time when American humor was chaotic, the public taste unformed. We had a vast appreciation for what was comic, with no great number of opportunities for showing it. We were so ready to laugh that when a real opportunity came along we improved it and kept on laughing and repeating the cause of our merriment, directing the attention of our friends to it. Whether the story of “Jim Smiley's Frog,” offered for the first time today, would capture the public, and become the initial block of a towering fame, is another matter. That the author himself underrated it is certain. That the public, receiving it at what we now term the psychological moment, may have overrated it is by no means impossible. In any case, it does not matter now. The stone rejected by the builder was made the corner-stone of his literary edifice. As such it is immortal.

It’s hard to evaluate the Jumping Frog story today. It has the inherent value of one of Aesop's Fables. —[Professor Henry Sidgwick likely noted the similarities between the frog story and early Greek tales, summarizing it in Greek form and language for his book, Greek Prose Composition. This led to the impression that the story originated in Athens. Mark Twain himself was mistaken about this until 1899, when he met Professor Sidgwick, who clarified that the Greek version was a translation and Twain's was the original; he thought it unnecessary to credit a story so widely known. See The Jumping Frog, Harper & Bros., 1903, p. 64.]—It has a fundamental idea that's essentially funny, and its charmingly simple telling makes it very engaging. It was published during a time when American humor was all over the place and public taste was still forming. We had a strong appreciation for comedy but few chances to express it. We were so eager to laugh that when a genuine opportunity arose, we embraced it, continued laughing, and repeated the source of our amusement, drawing our friends' attention to it. Whether the story of “Jim Smiley's Frog,” introduced for the first time today, would grab the public’s attention and become the foundation of significant fame is another question. It’s clear that the author himself didn’t fully appreciate it. It's also possible that the public, receiving it at what we now call the psychological moment, may have overvalued it. However, that doesn’t matter now. The stone that the builder rejected became the cornerstone of his literary legacy. As such, it is immortal.

In the letter already quoted, Clemens speaks of both Bret Harte and himself as having quit the 'Californian' in future expecting to write for Eastern papers. He adds:

In the letter already quoted, Clemens talks about both Bret Harte and himself as having left the 'Californian' with plans to write for Eastern newspapers in the future. He adds:

    Though I am generally placed at the head of my breed of scribblers
    in this part of the country, the place properly belongs to Bret
    Harte, I think, though he denies it, along with the rest. He wants
    me to club a lot of old sketches together with a lot of his, and
    publish a book. I wouldn't do it, only he agrees to take all the
    trouble. But I want to know whether we are going to make anything
    out of it, first. However, he has written to a New York publisher,
    and if we are offered a bargain that will pay for a month's labor we
    will go to work and prepare the volume for the press.
    Although I'm usually considered the leading writer in my genre around here, I believe Bret Harte deserves that title, even if he disputes it, like everyone else. He wants me to combine a bunch of my old sketches with some of his and publish a book together. I might agree, but only because he’s willing to handle all the work. Still, I need to know if we’re actually going to make any money off this first. Anyway, he has reached out to a publisher in New York, and if we get a deal that covers a month's worth of work, we'll get started on preparing the book for publication.

Nothing came of the proposed volume, or of other joint literary schemes these two had then in mind. Neither of them would seem to have been optimistic as to their future place in American literature; certainly in their most exalted moments they could hardly have dreamed that within half a dozen years they would be the head and front of a new school of letters—the two most talked-of men in America.

Nothing came of the proposed book or other collaborative writing projects these two were considering at the time. Neither of them seemed particularly hopeful about their future in American literature; even at their most ambitious, they could hardly have envisioned that within six years they would become the leading figures of a new literary movement—the two most talked-about men in America.





LII. A COMMISSION TO THE SANDWICH ISLANDS

Whatever his first emotions concerning the success of “Jim Smiley's Frog” may have been, the sudden astonishing leap of that batrachian into American literature gave the author an added prestige at home as well as in distant parts. Those about him were inclined to regard him, in some degree at least, as a national literary figure and to pay tribute accordingly. Special honors began to be shown to him. A fine new steamer, the Ajax, built for the Sandwich Island trade, carried on its initial trip a select party of guests of which he was invited to make one. He did not go, and reproached himself sorrowfully afterward.

No matter what his initial feelings were about the success of “Jim Smiley's Frog,” the sudden and surprising jump of that frog into American literature gave the author a boost in prestige both at home and far away. People around him started to see him, at least to some extent, as a national literary figure and treated him with respect. He began to receive special honors. A brand-new steamer, the Ajax, built for trade with the Sandwich Islands, took a select group of guests on its first trip, and he was invited to join them. He didn’t go and felt regret afterward.

If the Ajax were back I would go quick, and throw up my correspondence. She had fifty-two invited guests aboard—the cream of the town—gentlemen and ladies, and a splendid brass band. I could not accept because there would be no one to write my correspondence while I was gone.

If the Ajax were back, I would hurry and send out my messages. She had fifty-two invited guests on board—the best in town—both men and women, along with a fantastic brass band. I couldn’t accept because there would be no one to handle my correspondence while I was away.

In fact, the daily letter had grown monotonous. He was restless, and the Ajax excursion, which he had been obliged to forego, made him still more dissatisfied. An idea occurred to him: the sugar industry of the islands was a matter of great commercial interest to California, while the life and scenery there, picturesquely treated, would appeal to the general reader. He was on excellent terms with James Anthony and Paul Morrill, of the Sacramento Union; he proposed to them that they send him as their special correspondent to report to their readers, in a series of letters, life, trade, agriculture, and general aspect of the islands. To his vast delight, they gave him the commission. He wrote home joyously now:

The daily letter had become really boring. He was feeling restless, and missing out on the Ajax trip only added to his dissatisfaction. Then, he had an idea: the sugar industry in the islands would be of great interest to California, and the vibrant life and scenery there would attract general readers. He had a good relationship with James Anthony and Paul Morrill from the Sacramento Union, so he suggested they send him as their special correspondent to write a series of letters about life, trade, agriculture, and the overall vibe of the islands. To his great delight, they accepted his proposal. He wrote home joyfully now:

I am to remain there a month and ransack the islands, the cataracts and volcanoes completely, and write twenty or thirty letters, for which they pay as much money as I would get if I stayed at home.

I am going to stay there for a month and explore the islands, waterfalls, and volcanoes thoroughly, and write about twenty or thirty letters, for which they pay the same amount I would make if I stayed at home.

He adds that on his return he expects to start straight across the continent by way of the Columbia River, the Pend Oreille Lakes, through Montana and down the Missouri River. “Only two hundred miles of land travel from San Francisco to New Orleans.”

He adds that when he returns, he plans to go straight across the continent via the Columbia River, the Pend Oreille Lakes, through Montana, and down the Missouri River. “Just two hundred miles of land travel from San Francisco to New Orleans.”

So it is: man proposes, while fate, undisturbed, spins serenely on.

So it is: people plan, while fate, unbothered, moves along peacefully.

He sailed by the Ajax on her next trip, March 7 (1866), beginning his first sea voyage—a brand-new experience, during which he acquired the names of the sails and parts of the ship, with considerable knowledge of navigation, and of the islands he was to visit—whatever information passengers and sailors could furnish. It was a happy, stormy voyage altogether. In 'Roughing It' he has given us some account of it.

He sailed on the Ajax on her next trip, March 7 (1866), starting his first sea voyage—a totally new experience during which he learned the names of the sails and parts of the ship, gained a good understanding of navigation, and got familiar with the islands he was set to visit—whatever information the passengers and sailors could provide. It was an enjoyable and stormy voyage overall. In 'Roughing It,' he shares some details about it.

It was the 18th of March when he arrived at Honolulu, and his first impression of that tranquil harbor remained with him always. In fact, his whole visit there became one of those memory-pictures, full of golden sunlight and peace, to be found somewhere in every human past.

It was March 18th when he arrived in Honolulu, and his first impression of that calm harbor stayed with him forever. In fact, his entire visit there became one of those memories, filled with golden sunlight and peace, that can be found somewhere in everyone's past.

The letters of introduction he had brought, and the reputation which had preceded him, guaranteed him welcome and hospitality. Officials and private citizens were alike ready to show him their pleasant land, and he fairly reveled in its delicious air, its summer warmth, its soft repose.

The letters of introduction he had brought and the reputation that had come before him guaranteed him a warm welcome and hospitality. Officials and locals alike were eager to show him their beautiful land, and he truly enjoyed its fresh air, warm summer temperatures, and gentle tranquility.

    Oh, islands there are on the face of the deep
    Where the leaves never fade and the skies never weep,
    Oh, there are islands in the depths of the ocean  
    Where the leaves never wither and the skies never cry,  

he quotes in his note-book, and adds:

he quotes in his notebook, and adds:

    Went with Mr. Damon to his cool, vine-shaded home; no careworn or
    eager, anxious faces in this land of happy contentment. God, what a
    contrast with California and the Washoe!
    Went with Mr. Damon to his nice, vine-covered home; no tired or eager, anxious faces in this place of happy contentment. Wow, what a difference from California and the Washoe!

And in another place:

And elsewhere:

    They live in the S. I.—no rush, no worry—merchant goes down to his
    store like a gentleman at nine—goes home at four and thinks no more
    of business till next day. D—n San F. style of wearing out life.
They live in the S. I.—no rush, no worry—merchant goes down to his store like a gentleman at nine—goes home at four and doesn’t think about business until the next day. D—n San F. style of wasting life.

He fitted in with the languorous island existence, but he had come for business, and he lost not much time. He found there a number of friends from Washoe, including the Rev. Mr. Rising, whose health had failed from overwork. By their direction, and under official guidance, he set out on Oahu, one of the several curious horses he has immortalized in print, and, accompanied by a pleasant party of ladies and gentlemen, encircled the island of that name, crossed it and recrossed it, visited its various battle-fields, returning to Honolulu, lame, sore, sunburnt, but triumphant. His letters home, better even than his Union correspondence, reveal his personal interest and enthusiasms.

He blended into the relaxed island life, but he was there for business, so he didn’t waste any time. He met several friends from Washoe, including Rev. Mr. Rising, whose health had suffered from overwork. Following their guidance and with official help, he set out on Oahu, one of the many unique experiences he later wrote about. Accompanied by a friendly group of ladies and gentlemen, he traveled around the island, crossing it multiple times, visiting its various battlefields, and returned to Honolulu feeling sore, sunburned, and a bit battered but victorious. His letters home, even better than his Union correspondence, show his personal interests and enthusiasm.

    I have got a lot of human bones which I took from one of these
    battle-fields. I guess I will bring you some of them. I went with
    the American Minister and took dinner this evening with the King's
    Grand Chamberlain, who is related to the royal family, and though
    darker than a mulatto he has an excellent English education, and in
    manners is an accomplished gentleman. He is to call for me in the
    morning; we will visit the King in the palace, After dinner they
    called in the “singing girls,” and we had some beautiful music, sung
    in the native tongue.
    I have a lot of human bones that I got from one of these battlefields. I think I'll bring you some of them. I had dinner this evening with the American Minister and the King's Grand Chamberlain, who is related to the royal family. Even though he's darker than a mulatto, he has an excellent English education and is a true gentleman in manners. He’s going to pick me up in the morning; we’ll visit the King at the palace. After dinner, they brought in the “singing girls,” and we enjoyed some beautiful music sung in the native language.

It was his first association with royalty, and it was human that he should air it a little. In the same letter he states: “I will sail in a day or two on a tour of the other islands, to be gone two months.”

It was his first connection with royalty, and it was natural for him to show it off a bit. In the same letter, he says, “I will set sail in a day or two on a tour of the other islands and be gone for two months.”

'In Roughing It' he has given us a picture of his visits to the islands, their plantations, their volcanoes, their natural and historic wonders. He was an insatiable sight-seer then, and a persevering one. The very name of a new point of interest filled him with an eager enthusiasm to be off. No discomfort or risk or distance discouraged him. With a single daring companion—a man who said he could find the way—he crossed the burning floor of the mighty crater of Kilauea (then in almost constant eruption), racing across the burning lava floor, jumping wide and bottomless crevices, when a misstep would have meant death.

'In Roughing It' he has provided a glimpse into his trips to the islands, their plantations, their volcanoes, and their natural and historical wonders. He was an eager sightseer and relentless in his pursuits. The mere mention of a new point of interest filled him with a passionate desire to explore. No discomfort, danger, or distance could deter him. With just one brave companion—a man who claimed he knew the way—he traversed the scorching floor of the massive Kilauea crater (which was almost always erupting), sprinting across the searing lava surface, leaping over wide and bottomless fissures, where a single misstep could result in death.

By and by Marlette shouted “Stop!” I never stopped quicker in my life. I asked what the matter was. He said we were out of the path. He said we must not try to go on until we found it again, for we were surrounded with beds of rotten lava, through which we could easily break and plunge down 1,000 feet. I thought Boo would answer for me, and was about to say so, when Marlette partly proved his statement, crushing through and disappearing to his arm-pits.

Eventually, Marlette shouted, “Stop!” I’ve never stopped quicker in my life. I asked what was wrong. He said we had veered off the path. He insisted we shouldn't continue until we found it again, as we were surrounded by beds of rotten lava, where we could easily break through and fall down 1,000 feet. I thought Boo would speak for me, and I was about to say something when Marlette somewhat proved his point by falling through and disappearing up to his armpits.

They made their way across at last, and stood the rest of the night gazing down upon a spectacle of a crater in quivering action, a veritable lake of fire. They had risked their lives for that scene, but it seemed worth while.

They finally made it across and spent the rest of the night staring down at an amazing scene of a crater in motion, really a lake of fire. They had put their lives on the line for that view, but it felt worth it.

His open-air life on the river, and the mining camps, had prepared Samuel Clemens for adventurous hardships. He was thirty years old, with his full account of mental and physical capital. His growth had been slow, but he was entering now upon his golden age; he was fitted for conquest of whatever sort, and he was beginning to realize his power.

His life outdoors on the river and in the mining camps had toughened Samuel Clemens for adventurous challenges. He was thirty years old, at the height of his mental and physical abilities. His growth had been gradual, but he was now stepping into his prime; he was ready to take on any challenge, and he was starting to recognize his strength.





LIII. ANSON BURLINGAME AND THE “HORNET” DISASTER

It was near the end of June when he returned to Honolulu from a tour of all the islands, fairly worn out and prostrated with saddle boils. He expected only to rest and be quiet for a season, but all unknown to him startling and historic things were taking place in which he was to have a part—events that would mark another forward stride in his career.

It was close to the end of June when he came back to Honolulu from a tour of all the islands, pretty exhausted and suffering from saddle sores. He thought he would just rest and take it easy for a while, but little did he know that remarkable and significant things were happening that he would be involved in—events that would mark another step forward in his career.

The Ajax had just come in, bringing his Excellency Anson Burlingame, then returning to his post as minister to China; also General Van Valkenburg, minister to Japan; Colonel Rumsey and Minister Burlingame's son, Edward,—[Edward L. Burlingame, now for many years editor of Scribner's Magazine.]—then a lively boy of eighteen. Young Burlingame had read “The Jumping Frog,” and was enthusiastic about Mark Twain and his work. Learning that he was in Honolulu, laid up at his hotel, the party sent word that they would call on him next morning.

The Ajax had just arrived, bringing His Excellency Anson Burlingame, who was going back to his position as minister to China; also with him were General Van Valkenburg, the minister to Japan; Colonel Rumsey and Minister Burlingame's son, Edward—[Edward L. Burlingame, who has been the editor of Scribner's Magazine for many years.]—then a lively eighteen-year-old. Young Burlingame had read “The Jumping Frog” and was excited about Mark Twain and his work. When they found out that he was in Honolulu, staying at his hotel, the group sent a message that they would visit him the next morning.

Clemens felt that he must not accept this honor, sick or well. He crawled out of bed, dressed and shaved himself as quickly as possible, and drove to the American minister's, where the party was staying. They had a hilariously good time. When he returned to his hotel he sent them, by request, whatever he had on hand of his work. General Van Valkenburg had said to him:

Clemens felt he couldn’t accept this honor, whether he was sick or healthy. He crawled out of bed, got dressed and shaved as quickly as he could, and drove to the American minister’s place where the party was staying. They had a fantastic time. When he got back to his hotel, he sent them whatever he had of his work, as they requested. General Van Valkenburg had said to him:

“California is proud of Mark Twain, and some day the American people will be, too, no doubt.”

“California is proud of Mark Twain, and one day the American people will be, too, no doubt.”

There has seldom been a more accurate prophecy.

There’s rarely been a more accurate prediction.

But a still greater event was imminent. On that very day (June 21, 1866) there came word of the arrival at Sanpahoe, on the island of Hawaii, of an open boat containing fifteen starving wretches, who on short, ten-day rations had been buffeting a stormy sea for forty-three days! A vessel, the Hornet, from New York, had taken fire and burned “on the line,” and since early in May, on that meager sustenance, they had been battling with hundreds of leagues of adverse billows, seeking for land.

But an even bigger event was about to happen. On that very day (June 21, 1866), news arrived that an open boat with fifteen starving survivors had reached Sanpahoe on the island of Hawaii. They had been struggling against a stormy sea for forty-three days with just ten-day rations! A ship, the Hornet, from New York, had caught fire and burned “on the line,” and since early May, with almost nothing to eat, they had been fighting against hundreds of miles of rough waves, looking for land.

A few days following the first report, eleven of the rescued men were brought to Honolulu and placed in the hospital. Mark Twain recognized the great news importance of the event. It would be a splendid beat if he could interview the castaways and be the first to get their story to his paper. There was no cable in those days; a vessel for San Francisco would sail next morning. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, and he must not miss it. Bedridden as he was, the undertaking seemed beyond his strength.

A few days after the initial report, eleven of the rescued men were brought to Honolulu and admitted to the hospital. Mark Twain saw the huge news value in the event. It would be an incredible scoop if he could interview the castaways and be the first to share their story with his paper. There was no cable back then; a ship to San Francisco would leave the next morning. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and he couldn't let it slip away. Although he was confined to bed, the task felt like it was more than he could handle.

But just at this time the Burlingame party descended on him, and almost before he knew it he was on the way to the hospital on a cot, escorted by the heads of the joint legations of China and Japan. Once there, Anson Burlingame, with his splendid human sympathy and handsome, courtly presence, drew from those enfeebled castaways all the story of their long privation and struggle, that had stretched across forty-three distempered days and four thousand miles of sea. All that Mark Twain had to do was to listen and make the notes.

But just then, the Burlingame party showed up, and almost before he realized it, he was on a stretcher heading to the hospital, accompanied by the leaders of the joint legations from China and Japan. Once there, Anson Burlingame, with his remarkable empathy and charming, dignified presence, got the weakened survivors to tell their entire story of their long suffering and struggle, which had lasted forty-three difficult days and spanned four thousand miles of ocean. All Mark Twain had to do was listen and take notes.

He put in the night-writing against time. Next morning, just as the vessel for the States was drifting away from her dock, a strong hand flung his bulky envelope of manuscript aboard, and if the vessel arrived his great beat was sure. It did arrive, and the three-column story on the front page of the Sacramento Union, in its issue of July 19th, gave the public the first detailed history of the terrible Hornet disaster and the rescue of those starving men. Such a story occupied a wider place in the public interest than it would in these crowded days. The telegraph carried it everywhere, and it was featured as a sensation.

He spent the night writing against the clock. The next morning, just as the ship to the States was pulling away from the dock, a strong hand tossed his bulky envelope of manuscript aboard, and if the ship made it, his big story was guaranteed. It did make it, and the three-column story on the front page of the Sacramento Union, in its issue from July 19th, provided the public with the first detailed account of the terrible Hornet disaster and the rescue of those starving men. Such a story drew much more public interest than it would today. The telegraph spread it everywhere, and it was highlighted as a sensation.

Mark Twain always adored the name and memory of Anson Burlingame. In his letter home he tells of Burlingame's magnanimity in “throwing away an invitation to dine with princes and foreign dignitaries” to help him. “You know I appreciate that kind of thing,” he says; which was a true statement, and in future years he never missed an opportunity of paying an instalment on his debt of gratitude. It was proper that he should do so, for the obligation was a far greater one than that contracted in obtaining the tale of the Hornet disaster. It was the debt which one owes to a man who, from the deep measure of his understanding, gives encouragement and exactly needed and convincing advice. Anson Burlingame said to Samuel Clemens:

Mark Twain always admired the name and memory of Anson Burlingame. In his letter home, he talks about Burlingame's generosity in “turning down an invitation to dinner with princes and foreign dignitaries” to help him. “You know I value that kind of thing,” he says; which was a true statement, and in the years that followed, he never missed a chance to express his gratitude. It was only right that he did so, as the debt was much greater than the one he incurred while getting the story of the Hornet disaster. It was the debt one owes to someone who, through their deep understanding, offers encouragement and exactly the advice that’s needed and persuasive. Anson Burlingame said to Samuel Clemens:

“You have great ability; I believe you have genius. What you need now is the refinement of association. Seek companionship among men of superior intellect and character. Refine yourself and your work. Never affiliate with inferiors; always climb.”

“You have amazing talent; I truly believe you're a genius. What you need now is to refine your circle of friends. Surround yourself with people of greater intellect and character. Improve yourself and your work. Never associate with those who are beneath you; always strive to rise higher.”

Clemens never forgot that advice. He did not always observe it, but he rarely failed to realize its gospel. Burlingame urged him to travel.

Clemens never forgot that advice. He didn’t always follow it, but he rarely failed to recognize its truth. Burlingame encouraged him to travel.

“Come to Pekin next winter,” he said, “and visit me. Make my house your home. I will give you letters and introduce you. You will have facilities for acquiring information about China.”

“Come to Beijing next winter,” he said, “and visit me. Make my house your home. I’ll give you letters and introduce you. You’ll have opportunities to learn about China.”

It is not surprising then that Mark Twain never felt his debt to Anson Burlingame entirely paid. Burlingame came more than once to the hotel, for Clemens was really ill now, and they discussed plans for his future betterment.

It’s no wonder that Mark Twain never felt he fully repaid his debt to Anson Burlingame. Burlingame visited the hotel several times because Clemens was really sick, and they talked about plans for his future improvement.

He promised, of course, to visit China, and when he was alone put in a good deal of time planning a trip around the world which would include the great capitals. When not otherwise employed he read; though there was only one book in the hotel, a “blue and gold” edition of Dr. Holmes's Songs in Many Keys, and this he soon knew almost by heart, from title-page to finis.

He promised, of course, to visit China, and when he was alone, he spent a lot of time planning a trip around the world that would include the major capitals. When he wasn't busy with other things, he read; although there was only one book in the hotel, a “blue and gold” edition of Dr. Holmes's Songs in Many Keys, and he soon knew it almost by heart, from the title page to the end.

He was soon up and about. No one could remain ill long in those happy islands. Young Burlingame came, and suggested walks. Once, when Clemens hesitated, the young man said:

He quickly got up and moving. No one could stay sick for long in those cheerful islands. Young Burlingame showed up and recommended taking walks. Once, when Clemens paused, the young man said:

“But there is a Scriptural command for you to go.”

“But there is a command in the Scriptures for you to go.”

“If you can quote one I'll obey it,” said Clemens.

“If you can quote one, I’ll follow it,” said Clemens.

“Very well. The Bible says, 'If any man require thee to walk a mile, go with him, Twain.'”

“Alright. The Bible says, 'If someone asks you to walk a mile, go with him, too.'”

The command was regarded as sufficient. Clemens quoted the witticism later (in his first lecture), and it was often repeated in after-years, ascribed to Warner, Ward, and a dozen others. Its origin was as here set down.

The command was seen as adequate. Clemens referenced the clever remark later (in his first lecture), and it was frequently repeated in later years, attributed to Warner, Ward, and several others. Its origin is noted here.

Under date of July 4 (1866), Mark Twain's Sandwich Island note-book says:

Under the date of July 4 (1866), Mark Twain's Sandwich Island notebook says:

    Went to a ball 8.30 P.M.—danced till 12.30; stopped at General Van
    Valkenburg's room and talked with him and Mr. Burlingame and Ed
    Burlingame until 3 A.M.
    Went to a ball at 8:30 PM—danced until 12:30 AM; stopped by General Van Valkenburg's room and chatted with him, Mr. Burlingame, and Ed Burlingame until 3 AM.

From which we may conclude that he had altogether recovered. A few days later the legation party had sailed for China and Japan, and on the 19th Clemens himself set out by a slow sailing-vessel to San Francisco. They were becalmed and were twenty-five days making the voyage. Captain Mitchell and others of the wrecked Hornet were aboard, and he put in a good deal of time copying their diaries and preparing a magazine article which, he believed, would prove his real entrance to the literary world.

From this, we can conclude that he had fully recovered. A few days later, the embassy party sailed for China and Japan, and on the 19th, Clemens himself left on a slow sailing ship to San Francisco. They were stuck in calm waters and took twenty-five days to complete the journey. Captain Mitchell and some others from the wrecked Hornet were on board, and he spent a lot of time copying their diaries and getting a magazine article ready, which he believed would be his true entry into the literary world.

The vessel lay almost perfectly still, day after day, and became a regular playground at sea. Sundays they had services and Mark Twain led the choir.

The boat stayed almost completely still, day after day, and became a usual playground at sea. On Sundays, they held services, and Mark Twain led the choir.

“I hope they will have a better opinion of our music in heaven than I have down here,” he says in his notes. “If they don't, a thunderbolt will knock this vessel endways.” It is perhaps worthy of mention that on the night of the 27th of July he records having seen another “splendidly colored, lunar rainbow.” That he regarded this as an indication of future good-fortune is not surprising, considering the events of the previous year.

“I hope they think our music is better in heaven than I do down here,” he writes in his notes. “If they don’t, a thunderbolt will send this ship sideways.” It’s worth mentioning that on the night of July 27th, he noted seeing another “beautifully colored, lunar rainbow.” It’s not surprising that he saw this as a sign of future good luck, given the events of the previous year.

It was August 13th when he reached San Francisco, and the note-book entry of that day says:

It was August 13th when he arrived in San Francisco, and the notebook entry for that day says:

    Home again. No—not home again—in prison again, end all the wild
    sense of freedom gone. The city seems so cramped and so dreary with
    toil and care and business anxiety. God help me, I wish I were at
    sea again!
    Home again. No— not home again— in prison again, all the wild sense of freedom gone. The city feels so tight and so gloomy with work and worry and business stress. God help me, I wish I were at sea again!

There were compensations, however. He went over to Sacramento, and was abundantly welcomed. It was agreed that, in addition to the twenty dollars allowed for each letter, a special bill should be made for the Hornet report.

There were benefits, though. He went to Sacramento and received a warm welcome. It was decided that, in addition to the twenty dollars given for each letter, a separate payment would be made for the Hornet report.

“How much do you think it ought to be, Mark?” James Anthony asked.

“How much do you think it should be, Mark?” James Anthony asked.

“Oh, I'm a modest man; I don't want the whole Union office. Call it $100 a column.”

“Oh, I'm a humble guy; I don't need the entire Union office. Just make it $100 a column.”

There was a general laugh. The bill was made out at that figure, and he took it to the business office for payment.

There was a collective laugh. The bill was issued for that amount, and he took it to the business office to get it paid.

“The cashier didn't faint,” he wrote, many years later, “but he came rather near it. He sent for the proprietors, and they only laughed in their jolly fashion, and said it was a robbery, but 'no matter, pay it. It's all right.' The best men that ever owned a newspaper.”—[“My Debut as a Literary Person.”—Collected works.]—Though inferior to the descriptive writing which a year later would give him a world-wide fame, the Sandwich Island letters added greatly to his prestige on the Pacific coast. They were convincing, informing; tersely—even eloquently—descriptive, with a vein of humor adapted to their audience. Yet to read them now, in the fine nonpareil type in which they were set, is such a wearying task that one can only marvel at their popularity. They were not brilliant literature, by our standards to-day. Their humor is usually of a muscular kind, varied with grotesque exaggerations; the literary quality is pretty attenuated. Here and there are attempts at verse. He had a fashion in those days of combining two or more poems with distracting, sometimes amusing, effect. Examples of these dislocations occur in the Union letters; a single stanza will present the general idea:

“The cashier didn’t faint,” he wrote many years later, “but he came pretty close. He called for the owners, and they just laughed good-naturedly and said it was a robbery, but 'no worries, pay it. It’s all good.' The best people who ever owned a newspaper.” —[“My Debut as a Literary Person.” —Collected works.]— Although it wasn’t as strong as the descriptive writing that would earn him international fame a year later, the Sandwich Island letters significantly boosted his reputation on the Pacific coast. They were convincing and informative; concise—even eloquently—descriptive, with a sense of humor suited to their readers. Yet reading them now, in the tiny nonpareil type they were printed in, is such a tedious task that one can only wonder about their popularity. By today’s standards, they weren’t brilliant literature. Their humor is typically of a robust type, mixed with bizarre exaggerations; the literary quality is quite thin. Here and there, he tried his hand at poetry. In those days, he had a knack for blending two or more poems with distracting, sometimes funny, effects. Examples of these disjointed pieces appear in the Union letters; a single stanza can capture the overall idea:

    The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold,

    The turf with their bayonets turning,
    And his cohorts were gleaming with purple and gold,
    And our lanterns dimly burning.
    The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the flock,

    The ground shifting under their bayonets,
    And his group shone with purple and gold,
    While our lanterns flickered weakly.

Only a trifling portion of the letters found their way into his Sandwich Island chapters of 'Roughing It', five years later. They do, however, reveal a sort of transition stage between the riotous florescence of the Comstock and the mellowness of his later style. He was learning to see things with better eyes, from a better point of view. It is not difficult to believe that this literary change of heart was in no small measure due to the influence of Anson Burlingame.

Only a small portion of the letters made it into his Sandwich Island chapters of 'Roughing It', five years later. They do, however, show a kind of transition stage between the wild growth of the Comstock and the smoothness of his later style. He was learning to see things more clearly, from a better perspective. It's easy to believe that this literary change of heart was largely due to the influence of Anson Burlingame.





VOLUME I, Part 2: 1866-1875





LIV. THE LECTURER

It was not easy to take up the daily struggle again, but it was necessary.—[Clemens once declared he had been so blue at this period that one morning he put a loaded pistol to his head, but found he lacked courage to pull the trigger.]—Out of the ruck of possibilities (his brain always thronged with plans) he constructed three or four resolves. The chief of these was the trip around the world; but that lay months ahead, and in the mean time ways and means must be provided. Another intention was to finish the Hornet article, and forward it to Harper's Magazine—a purpose carried immediately into effect. To his delight the article found acceptance, and he looked forward to the day of its publication as the beginning of a real career. He intended to follow it up with a series on the islands, which in due time might result in a book and an income. He had gone so far as to experiment with a dedication for the book—an inscription to his mother, modified later for use in 'The Innocents Abroad'. A third plan of action was to take advantage of the popularity of the Hawaiian letters, and deliver a lecture on the same subject. But this was a fearsome prospect—he trembled when he thought of it. As Governor of the Third House he had been extravagantly received and applauded, but in that case the position of public entertainer had been thrust upon him. To come forward now, offering himself in the same capacity, was a different matter. He believed he could entertain, but he lacked the courage to declare himself; besides, it meant a risk of his slender capital. He confided his situation to Col. John McComb, of the Alta California, and was startled by McComb's vigorous endorsement.

It wasn't easy to dive back into the daily grind, but it was necessary. —[Clemens once said he was so down during this time that one morning he put a loaded gun to his head, but realized he didn't have the guts to pull the trigger.]— Out of a mass of possibilities (his mind was always buzzing with ideas), he came up with three or four resolutions. The main one was the trip around the world; but that was still months away, and in the meantime, he needed to figure out how to get there. Another goal was to finish the Hornet article and send it to Harper's Magazine—a task he took action on right away. To his delight, the article was accepted, and he looked forward to its publication as the start of a real career. He planned to follow it up with a series about the islands, which could eventually turn into a book and some income. He even went as far as to come up with a dedication for the book—an inscription for his mother, which he later modified for use in 'The Innocents Abroad'. A third plan was to leverage the popularity of the Hawaiian letters and give a lecture on that subject. But the thought of it was intimidating—he trembled at the idea. As Governor of the Third House, he had been received and applauded enthusiastically, but back then, the role of public entertainer had been forced on him. Taking the initiative now to present himself in the same role felt different. He believed he could entertain, but he didn't have the courage to step up; plus, it put his modest funds at risk. He shared his situation with Col. John McComb of the Alta California and was taken aback by McComb's enthusiastic support.

“Do it, by all means!” urged McComb. “It will be a grand success—I know it! Take the largest house in town, and charge a dollar a ticket.”

“Go for it, absolutely!” urged McComb. “It will be a huge success—I’m sure of it! Rent the biggest house in town and charge a dollar for each ticket.”

Frightened but resolute, he went to the leading theater manager the same Tom Maguire of his verses—and was offered the new opera-house at half rates. The next day this advertisement appeared:

Frightened but determined, he approached the top theater manager, the same Tom Maguire of his verses—and was offered the new opera house at half price. The next day, this advertisement appeared:

                MAGUIRE'S ACADEMY OF MUSIC
               PINE STREET, NEAR MONTGOMERY

                  THE SANDWICH ISLANDS

                      MARK TWAIN

        (HONOLULU CORRESPONDENT OF THE SACRAMENTO UNION)
                    WILL DELIVER A
              LECTURE ON THE SANDWICH ISLANDS

                AT THE ACADEMY OF MUSIC
               ON TUESDAY EVENING, OCT. 2d
                       (1866)

  In which passing mention will be made of Harris, Bishop Staley, the
American missionaries, etc., and the absurd customs and characteristics
of the natives duly discussed and described. The great volcano of
Kilauea will also receive proper attention.

                  A SPLENDID ORCHESTRA
            is in town, but has not been engaged
                       ALSO
               A DEN OF FEROCIOUS WILD BEASTS
           will be on exhibition in the next block
                  MAGNIFICENT FIREWORKS

 were in contemplation for this occasion, but the idea has been abandoned
A GRAND TORCHLIGHT PROCESSION may be expected; in fact, the public are
privileged to expect whatever they please.

           Dress Circle, $1.00  Family Circle, 50c
    Doors open at 7 o'clock  The Trouble to begin at 8 o'clock
                MAGUIRE'S ACADEMY OF MUSIC  
               PINE STREET, NEAR MONTGOMERY  

                  THE SANDWICH ISLANDS  

                      MARK TWAIN  

        (HONOLULU CORRESPONDENT OF THE SACRAMENTO UNION)  
                    WILL DELIVER A  
              LECTURE ON THE SANDWICH ISLANDS  

                AT THE ACADEMY OF MUSIC  
               ON TUESDAY EVENING, OCT. 2nd  
                       (1866)  

  In which brief mention will be made of Harris, Bishop Staley, the  
American missionaries, etc., and the ridiculous customs and traits  
of the locals will be thoroughly discussed and described. The great  
volcano of Kilauea will also be given proper focus.  

                  A SPLENDID ORCHESTRA  
            is in town but has not been booked  
                       ALSO  
               A DEN OF FEROCIOUS WILD BEASTS  
           will be on display in the next block  
                  MAGNIFICENT FIREWORKS  

were being planned for this event, but the idea has been dropped.  
A GRAND TORCHLIGHT PROCESSION can be expected; in fact, the  
public is free to expect whatever they like.  

           Dress Circle, $1.00  Family Circle, 50c  
    Doors open at 7 o'clock  The Trouble to begin at 8 o'clock  

The story of that first lecture, as told in Roughing It, is a faithful one, and need only be summarized here.

The story of that first lecture, as shared in Roughing It, is an accurate account and just needs to be summarized here.

Expecting to find the house empty, he found it packed from the footlights to the walls. Sidling out from the wings—wobbly-kneed and dry of tongue—he was greeted by a murmur, a roar, a very crash of applause that frightened away his remaining vestiges of courage. Then, came reaction—these were his friends, and he began to talk to them. Fear melted away, and as tide after tide of applause rose and billowed and came breaking at his feet, he knew something of the exaltation of Monte Cristo when he declared “The world is mine!”

Expecting to find the house empty, he was surprised to see it packed from the front to the walls. Stepping out from the wings—weak-legged and dry-mouthed—he was met with a murmur, a roar, an overwhelming wave of applause that scared away whatever courage he had left. Then, the reality hit—these were his friends, and he started talking to them. Fear faded away, and as wave after wave of applause surged and crashed at his feet, he felt a glimpse of the joy that Monte Cristo experienced when he declared, “The world is mine!”

It was a vast satisfaction to have succeeded. It was particularly gratifying at this time, for he dreaded going back into newspaper harness. Also; it softened later the disappointment resulting from another venture; for when the December Harper appeared, with his article, the printer and proof-reader had somehow converted Mark Twain into “Mark Swain,” and his literary dream perished.

It was a huge relief to have succeeded. It felt especially rewarding at this moment because he was anxious about going back to working for a newspaper. Also, it helped ease the disappointment that came later from another attempt; when the December Harper was published with his article, the printer and proofreader somehow turned Mark Twain into “Mark Swain,” and his literary dream was crushed.

As to the literary value of his lecture, it was much higher than had, been any portion of his letters, if we may judge from its few remaining fragments. One of these—a part of the description of the great volcano Haleakala, on the island of Maui—is a fair example of his eloquence.

As for the literary value of his lecture, it was much greater than any part of his letters, if we can judge from the few fragments that remain. One of these—a portion of the description of the great volcano Haleakala, on the island of Maui—is a good example of his eloquence.

It is somewhat more florid than his later description of the same scene in Roughing It, which it otherwise resembles; and we may imagine that its poetry, with the added charm of its delivery, held breathless his hearers, many of whom believed that no purer eloquence had ever been uttered or written.

It’s a bit more elaborate than his later description of the same scene in Roughing It, which it otherwise resembles; and we can imagine that its poetic style, combined with the way he delivered it, captivated his audience, many of whom thought that no finer eloquence had ever been spoken or written.

It is worth remembering, too, that in this lecture, delivered so long ago, he advocated the idea of American ownership of these islands, dwelling at considerable length on his reasons for this ideal. —[For fragmentary extracts from this first lecture of Mark Twain and news comment, see Appendix D, end of last volume.]—There was a gross return from his venture of more than $1,200, but with his usual business insight, which was never foresight, he had made an arrangement by which, after paying bills and dividing with his manager, he had only about one-third of, this sum left. Still, even this was prosperity and triumph. He had acquired a new and lucrative profession at a bound. The papers lauded him as the “most piquant and humorous writer and lecturer on the Coast since the days of the lamented John Phoenix.” He felt that he was on the highroad at last.

It's important to note that in this lecture, delivered quite some time ago, he pushed for the idea of American ownership of these islands, taking a lot of time to explain his reasons for this belief. —[For fragmented excerpts from this first lecture of Mark Twain and news commentary, see Appendix D, end of last volume.]—He ended up making over $1,200 from his venture, but with his typical business sense, which was never really foresight, he had arranged things so that, after covering expenses and splitting profits with his manager, he was left with only about a third of that amount. Still, even this was a sign of success and victory. He had suddenly stepped into a new and profitable career. The newspapers praised him as the “most engaging and funny writer and lecturer on the Coast since the days of the dearly missed John Phoenix.” He felt like he was finally on the right path.

Denis McCarthy, late of the Enterprise, was in San Francisco, and was willing to become his manager. Denis was capable and honest, and Clemens was fond of him. They planned a tour of the near-by towns, beginning with Sacramento, extending it later even to the mining camps, such as Red Dog and Grass Valley; also across into Nevada, with engagements at Carson City, Virginia, and Gold Hill. It was an exultant and hilarious excursion—that first lecture tour made by Denis McCarthy and Mark Twain. Success traveled with them everywhere, whether the lecturer looked across the footlights of some pretentious “opera-house” or between the two tallow candles of some camp “academy.” Whatever the building, it was packed, and the returns were maximum.

Denis McCarthy, who used to be with the Enterprise, was in San Francisco and was eager to become his manager. Denis was capable and honest, and Clemens liked him a lot. They planned a tour of nearby towns, starting with Sacramento and eventually extending to mining camps like Red Dog and Grass Valley; they also aimed to cross into Nevada, with gigs in Carson City, Virginia, and Gold Hill. It was an exciting and hilarious journey—the first lecture tour featuring Denis McCarthy and Mark Twain. Success followed them everywhere, whether the lecturer was speaking in some fancy “opera house” or between two candles in a camp “academy.” No matter the venue, it was always full, and the profits were great.

Those who remember him as a lecturer in that long-ago time say that his delivery was more quaint, his drawl more exaggerated, even than in later life; that his appearance and movements on the stage were natural, rather than graceful; that his manuscript, which he carried under his arm, looked like a ruffled hen. It was, in fact, originally written on sheets of manila paper, in large characters, so that it could be read easily by dim light, and it was doubtless often disordered.

Those who remember him as a lecturer from that long-ago time say that his delivery was more quirky, his drawl more exaggerated, even than later in life; that his appearance and movements on stage were natural, rather than graceful; that the manuscript he carried under his arm looked like a ruffled hen. It was originally written on sheets of manila paper, in large letters, so it could be easily read in low light, and it was likely often messy.

There was plenty of amusing experience on this tour. At one place, when the lecture was over, an old man came to him and said:

There were a lot of funny moments on this tour. At one stop, after the lecture ended, an old man approached him and said:

“Be them your natural tones of eloquence?”

“Are those your natural tones of eloquence?”

At Grass Valley there was a rival show, consisting of a lady tight-rope walker and her husband. It was a small place, and the tight-rope attraction seemed likely to fail. The lady's husband had formerly been a compositor on the Enterprise, so that he felt there was a bond of brotherhood between him and Mark Twain.

At Grass Valley, there was a competing act featuring a woman tightrope walker and her husband. It was a small venue, and the tightrope performance didn't seem like it would succeed. The woman’s husband had previously worked as a typesetter for the Enterprise, so he felt a sense of camaraderie with Mark Twain.

“Look here,” he said. “Let's combine our shows. I'll let my wife do the tight-rope act outside and draw a crowd, and you go inside and lecture.”

“Listen up,” he said. “Let’s team up for our shows. I’ll have my wife do the tightrope act outside to attract a crowd, and you can go inside and give your lecture.”

The arrangement was not made.

The plan wasn’t finalized.

Following custom, the lecturer at first thought it necessary to be introduced, and at each place McCarthy had to skirmish around and find the proper person. At Red Dog, on the Stanislaus, the man selected failed to appear, and Denis had to provide another on short notice. He went down into the audience and captured an old fellow, who ducked and dodged but could not escape. Denis led him to the stage, a good deal frightened.

Following tradition, the lecturer initially felt it was important to be introduced, and at every location, McCarthy had to navigate and find the right person. At Red Dog, on the Stanislaus, the chosen individual didn’t show up, and Denis had to quickly find someone else. He went into the audience and grabbed an old man, who tried to duck and dodge but couldn’t get away. Denis brought him up to the stage, quite shaken.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said, “this is the celebrated Mark Twain from the celebrated city of San Francisco, with his celebrated lecture about the celebrated Sandwich Islands.”

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said, “this is the famous Mark Twain from the famous city of San Francisco, with his famous lecture about the famous Sandwich Islands.”

That was as far as he could go; but it was far enough. Mark Twain never had a better introduction. The audience was in a shouting humor from the start.

That was as far as he could go, but it was enough. Mark Twain never had a better introduction. The audience was in a shouting mood from the beginning.

Clemens himself used to tell of an introduction at another camp, where his sponsor said:

Clemens himself used to share a story about an introduction at another camp, where his sponsor said:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I know only two things about this man: the first is that he's never been in jail, and the second is I don't know why.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I only know two things about this guy: the first is that he’s never been to jail, and the second is that I have no idea why.”

But this is probably apocryphal; there is too much “Mark Twain” in it.

But this is probably made up; it has too much “Mark Twain” in it.

When he reached Virginia, Goodman said to him:

When he got to Virginia, Goodman said to him:

“Sam, you do not need anybody to introduce you. There's a piano on the stage in the theater. Have it brought out in sight, and when the curtain rises you be seated at the piano, playing and singing that song of yours, 'I Had an Old Horse Whose Name Was Methusalem,' and don't seem to notice that the curtain is up at first; then be surprised when you suddenly find out that it is up, and begin talking, without any further preliminaries.”

“Sam, you don’t need anyone to introduce you. There’s a piano on the stage in the theater. Have them bring it into view, and when the curtain rises, sit at the piano, playing and singing your song, ‘I Had an Old Horse Whose Name Was Methusalem,’ and act like you don’t notice the curtain is up at first; then be surprised when you realize it’s up, and start talking without any more fuss.”

This proved good advice, and the lecture, thus opened, started off with general hilarity and applause.

This turned out to be good advice, and the lecture, which began that way, kicked off with laughter and applause.





LV. HIGHWAY ROBBERY

His Nevada, lectures were bound to be immensely successful. The people regarded him as their property over there, and at Carson and Virginia the houses overflowed. At Virginia especially his friends urged and begged him to repeat the entertainment, but he resolutely declined.

His lectures in Nevada were sure to be a huge success. The locals considered him their own, and in Carson and Virginia, the venues were packed. In Virginia, especially, his friends pushed and pleaded with him to do the show again, but he firmly refused.

“I have only one lecture yet,” he said. “I cannot bring myself to give it twice in the same town.”

“I only have one lecture left,” he said. “I can’t bring myself to give it twice in the same town.”

But that irresponsible imp, Steve Gillis, who was again in Virginia, conceived a plan which would make it not only necessary for him to lecture again, but would supply him with a subject. Steve's plan was very simple: it was to relieve the lecturer of his funds by a friendly highway robbery, and let an account of the adventure furnish the new lecture.

But that careless troublemaker, Steve Gillis, who was back in Virginia, came up with a plan that would not only force him to give another lecture but also give him a topic to talk about. Steve's plan was pretty straightforward: he would relieve the lecturer of his money through a friendly robbery and use the story of the adventure as material for the new lecture.

In 'Roughing It' Mark Twain has given a version of this mock robbery which is correct enough as far as it goes; but important details are lacking. Only a few years ago (it was April, 1907), in his cabin on jackass Hill, with Joseph Goodman and the writer of this history present, Steve Gillis made his “death-bed” confession as is here set down:

In 'Roughing It,' Mark Twain provided a version of this mock robbery that’s accurate to an extent, but it misses some important details. Just a few years ago (in April 1907), while in his cabin on Jackass Hill, Steve Gillis made his “death-bed” confession in the presence of Joseph Goodman and me, which is recorded here:

“Mark's lecture was given in Piper's Opera House, October 30, 1866. The Virginia City people had heard many famous lectures before, but they were mere sideshows compared with Mark's. It could have been run to crowded houses for a week. We begged him to give the common people a chance; but he refused to repeat himself. He was going down to Carson, and was coming back to talk in Gold Hill about a week later, and his agent, Denis McCarthy, and I laid a plan to have him robbed on the Divide between Gold Hill and Virginia, after the Gold Hill lecture was over and he and Denis would be coming home with the money. The Divide was a good lonely place, and was famous for its hold-ups. We got City Marshal George Birdsall into it with us, and took in Leslie Blackburn, Pat Holland, Jimmy Eddington, and one or two more of Sam's old friends. We all loved him, and would have fought for him in a moment. That's the kind of friends Mark had in Nevada. If he had any enemies I never heard of them.

“Mark's lecture took place at Piper's Opera House on October 30, 1866. The people of Virginia City had attended many famous lectures before, but they were just minor events compared to Mark's. He could have filled the venue for a week. We urged him to give everyday people a chance, but he refused to do another show. He was heading to Carson and planned to return to speak in Gold Hill about a week later. His agent, Denis McCarthy, and I devised a plan to have him robbed on the Divide between Gold Hill and Virginia after the Gold Hill lecture, when he and Denis would be returning with the money. The Divide was a secluded spot known for its hold-ups. We got City Marshal George Birdsall involved, along with Leslie Blackburn, Pat Holland, Jimmy Eddington, and a couple of Sam's other friends. We all cared about him and would have defended him in a heartbeat. That's the kind of friends Mark had in Nevada. If he had any enemies, I never knew about them.”

“We didn't take in Dan de Quille, or Joe here, because Sam was Joe's guest, and we were afraid he would tell him. We didn't take in Dan because we wanted him to write it up as a genuine robbery and make a big sensation. That would pack the opera-house at two dollars a seat to hear Mark tell the story.

"We didn't include Dan de Quille or Joe here, because Sam was Joe's guest, and we were worried he might spill the beans. We didn't include Dan because we wanted him to write it up as a real robbery to create a big buzz. That would fill the opera house at two dollars a seat to hear Mark tell the story."

“Well, everything went off pretty well. About the time Mark was finishing his lecture in Gold Hill the robbers all went up on the Divide to wait, but Mark's audience gave him a kind of reception after his lecture, and we nearly froze to death up there before he came along. By and by I went back to see what was the matter. Sam and Denis were coming, and carrying a carpet-sack about half full of silver between them. I shadowed them and blew a policeman's whistle as a signal to the boys when the lecturers were within about a hundred yards of the place. I heard Sam say to Denis:

“Well, everything went pretty well. Around the time Mark was wrapping up his lecture in Gold Hill, the robbers headed up to the Divide to wait, but Mark's audience gave him quite the send-off after his talk, and we nearly froze to death up there before he showed up. Eventually, I went back to see what was going on. Sam and Denis were coming, carrying a carpet bag that was about half full of silver between them. I followed them and blew a policeman's whistle as a signal to the guys when the lecturers were about a hundred yards away from the spot. I heard Sam say to Denis:

“'I'm glad they've got a policeman on the Divide. They never had one in my day.'

“'I'm happy they have a cop on the Divide now. They didn't have one back in my day.'”

“Just about that time the boys, all with black masks on and silver dollars at the sides of their tongues to disguise their voices, stepped out and stuck six-shooters at Sam and Denis and told them to put up their hands. The robbers called each other 'Beauregard' and 'Stonewall Jackson.' Of course Denis's hands went up, and Mark's, too, though Mark wasn't a bit scared or excited. He talked to the robbers in his regular fashion. He said:

“Just then, the guys, all wearing black masks and with silver dollars pressed against their tongues to alter their voices, stepped out and pointed revolvers at Sam and Denis, telling them to put their hands up. The robbers referred to each other as 'Beauregard' and 'Stonewall Jackson.' Naturally, Denis raised his hands, and so did Mark, even though Mark wasn’t scared or panicking at all. He spoke to the robbers casually, saying:

“'Don't flourish those pistols so promiscuously. They might go off by accident.'

“'Don't brandish those pistols so carelessly. They could go off by accident.'”

“They told him to hand over his watch and money; but when he started to take his hands down they made him put them up again. Then he asked how they expected him to give them his valuables with his hands up in the sky. He said his treasures didn't lie in heaven. He told them not to take his watch, which was the one Sandy Baldwin and Theodore Winters had given him as Governor of the Third House, but we took it all the same.

“They told him to give them his watch and money, but when he began to lower his hands, they made him raise them again. Then he asked how they expected him to hand over his valuables with his hands in the air. He said his treasures weren't in heaven. He pleaded with them not to take his watch, which Sandy Baldwin and Theodore Winters had given him when he was Governor of the Third House, but they took it anyway.”

“Whenever he started to put his hands down we made him put them up again. Once he said:

“Whenever he tried to put his hands down, we made him raise them back up again. Once he said:

“'Don't you fellows be so rough. I was tenderly reared.'

“'Hey, you guys, don’t be so rough. I was raised with care.'”

“Then we told him and Denis to keep their hands up for fifteen minutes after we were gone—this was to give us time to get back to Virginia and be settled when they came along. As we were going away Mark called:

“Then we told him and Denis to keep their hands up for fifteen minutes after we left—this was to give us time to get back to Virginia and be settled when they showed up. As we were leaving, Mark called:

“'Say, you forgot something.'

“Hey, you forgot something.”

“'What is it?'

"What’s going on?"

“Why, the carpet-bag.'

"Why, the suitcase."

“He was cool all the time. Senator Bill Stewart, in his Autobiography, tells a great story of how scared Mark was, and how he ran; but Stewart was three thousand miles from Virginia by that time, and later got mad at Mark because he made a joke about him in 'Roughing It'.

“He was cool all the time. Senator Bill Stewart, in his Autobiography, tells a great story about how scared Mark was and how he ran; but Stewart was three thousand miles away from Virginia by that time and later got mad at Mark because he made a joke about him in 'Roughing It'.

“Denis wanted to take his hands down pretty soon after we were gone, but Mark said:

“Denis wanted to put his hands down pretty soon after we left, but Mark said:

“'No, Denis, I'm used to obeying orders when they are given in that convincing way; we'll just keep our hands up another fifteen minutes or so for good measure.'

“'No, Denis, I’m used to following orders when they’re given like that; we’ll just keep our hands up for another fifteen minutes or so, just to be safe.'”

“We were waiting in a big saloon on C Street when Mark and Denis came along. We knew they would come in, and we expected Mark would be excited; but he was as unruffled as a mountain lake. He told us they had been robbed, and asked me if I had any money. I gave him a hundred dollars of his own money, and he ordered refreshments for everybody. Then we adjourned to the Enterprise office, where he offered a reward, and Dan de Quille wrote up the story and telegraphed it to the other newspapers. Then somebody suggested that Mark would have to give another lecture now, and that the robbery would make a great subject. He entered right into the thing, and next day we engaged Piper's Opera House, and people were offering five dollars apiece for front seats. It would have been the biggest thing that ever came to Virginia if it had come off. But we made a mistake, then, by taking Sandy Baldwin into the joke. We took in Joe here, too, and gave him the watch and money to keep, which made it hard for Joe afterward. But it was Sandy Baldwin that ruined us. He had Mark out to dinner the night before the show was to come off, and after he got well warmed up with champagne he thought it would be a smart thing to let Mark into what was really going on.

“We were waiting in a big bar on C Street when Mark and Denis showed up. We knew they would come in, and we thought Mark would be excited; but he was as calm as a mountain lake. He told us they had been robbed and asked me if I had any money. I gave him a hundred dollars of his own money, and he ordered drinks for everyone. Then we went to the Enterprise office, where he offered a reward, and Dan de Quille wrote up the story and sent it to the other newspapers. Then someone suggested that Mark would have to give another lecture now, and that the robbery would make a great topic. He got really into it, and the next day we booked Piper's Opera House, and people were paying five dollars each for front seats. It would have been the biggest event ever for Virginia if it had actually happened. But we messed up by bringing Sandy Baldwin into the joke. We also involved Joe and gave him the watch and money to hold onto, which made things difficult for Joe later on. But it was Sandy Baldwin who really messed us up. He had Mark over for dinner the night before the show was supposed to take place, and after he had a few too many glasses of champagne, he thought it would be clever to let Mark in on what was really happening.”

“Mark didn't see it our way. He was mad clear through.”

“Mark didn’t see it our way. He was really angry.”

At this point Joseph Goodman took up the story. He said:

At this point, Joseph Goodman continued the story. He said:

“Those devils put Sam's money, watch, keys, pencils, and all his things into my hands. I felt particularly mean at being made accessory to the crime, especially as Sam was my guest, and I had grave doubts as to how he would take it when he found out the robbery was not genuine.

“Those guys handed me Sam's money, watch, keys, pencils, and all his stuff. I felt really guilty for being part of the crime, especially since Sam was my guest, and I was seriously worried about how he would react when he found out the robbery wasn't real.”

“I felt terribly guilty when he said:

“I felt really guilty when he said:

“'Joe, those d—n thieves took my keys, and I can't get into my trunk. Do you suppose you could get me a key that would fit my trunk?'

“'Joe, those damn thieves took my keys, and now I can't get into my trunk. Do you think you could get me a key that would fit my trunk?'”

“I said I thought I could during the day, and after Sam had gone I took his own key, put it in the fire and burnt it to make it look black. Then I took a file and scratched it here and there, to make it look as if I had been fitting it to the lock, feeling guilty all the time, like a man who is trying to hide a murder. Sam did not ask for his key that day, and that evening he was invited to judge Baldwin's to dinner. I thought he looked pretty silent and solemn when he came home; but he only said:

“I said I thought I could during the day, and after Sam left, I took his key, put it in the fire, and burned it to make it look black. Then I grabbed a file and scratched it up a bit, trying to make it seem like I had been adjusting it to the lock, feeling guilty the whole time, like someone who’s trying to hide a murder. Sam didn’t ask for his key that day, and later that evening, he was invited to dinner at Judge Baldwin's. I thought he looked pretty quiet and serious when he came home, but he just said:

“'Joe, let's play cards; I don't feel sleepy.'

“'Joe, let’s play cards; I’m not feeling sleepy.'”

“Steve here, and two or three of the other boys who had been active in the robbery, were present, and they did not like Sam's manner, so they excused themselves and left him alone with me. We played a good while; then he said:

“Steve was here, along with two or three other guys who had been involved in the robbery. They didn’t like Sam’s attitude, so they made up an excuse and left him alone with me. We played for a while; then he said:

“'Joe, these cards are greasy. I have got some new ones in my trunk. Did you get that key to-day?'

“'Joe, these cards are greasy. I've got some new ones in my trunk. Did you get that key today?'”

“I fished out that burnt, scratched-up key with fear and trembling. But he didn't seem to notice it at all, and presently returned with the cards. Then we played, and played, and played—till one o'clock—two o'clock—Sam hardly saying a word, and I wondering what was going to happen. By and by he laid down his cards and looked at me, and said:

“I pulled out that burnt, scratched key with nervousness. But he didn’t seem to notice it at all, and soon came back with the cards. Then we played, and played, and played—until one o'clock—two o'clock—Sam hardly saying a word, and I wondering what was going to happen. Eventually, he laid down his cards, looked at me, and said:

“'Joe, Sandy Baldwin told me all about that robbery to-night. Now, Joe, I have found out that the law doesn't recognize a joke, and I am going to send every one of those fellows to the penitentiary.'

“'Joe, Sandy Baldwin told me all about that robbery tonight. Now, Joe, I’ve figured out that the law doesn’t see a joke, and I’m going to send every one of those guys to prison.'”

“He said it with such solemn gravity, and such vindictiveness, that I believed he was in dead earnest.

“He said it with such serious gravity and such bitterness that I believed he was completely sincere.”

“I know that I put in two hours of the hardest work I ever did, trying to talk him out of that resolution. I used all the arguments about the boys being his oldest friends; how they all loved him, and how the joke had been entirely for his own good; I pleaded with him, begged him to reconsider; I went and got his money and his watch and laid them on the table; but for a time it seemed hopeless. And I could imagine those fellows going behind the bars, and the sensation it would make in California; and just as I was about to give it up he said:

“I know I spent two hours working harder than ever, trying to talk him out of that decision. I used all the arguments about how the guys were his oldest friends, how much they cared about him, and how the joke was really just for his own good. I pleaded with him, begged him to think it over. I even grabbed his money and his watch and put them on the table; but for a while, it felt like it was all pointless. I could picture those guys behind bars and how big of a deal that would be in California; just when I was about to give up, he said:

“'Well, Joe, I'll let it pass—this time; I'll forgive them again; I've had to do it so many times; but if I should see Denis McCarthy and Steve Gillis mounting the scaffold to-morrow, and I could save them by turning over my hand, I wouldn't do it!'

“'Well, Joe, I'll let it go this time; I'll forgive them again; I've had to do it so many times; but if I see Denis McCarthy and Steve Gillis about to be executed tomorrow, and I could save them just by lifting a finger, I wouldn’t do it!'”

“He canceled the lecture engagement, however, next morning, and the day after left on the Pioneer Stage, by the way of Donner Lake, for California. The boys came rather sheepishly to see him off; but he would make no show of relenting. When they introduced themselves as Beauregard, Stonewall Jackson, etc., he merely said:

“He canceled the lecture engagement, however, the next morning, and the day after left on the Pioneer Stage, via Donner Lake, for California. The boys came a bit awkwardly to see him off; but he wouldn’t show any signs of softening. When they introduced themselves as Beauregard, Stonewall Jackson, etc., he simply said:

“'Yes, and you'll all be behind the bars some day. There's been a good deal of robbery around here lately, and it's pretty clear now who did it.' They handed him a package containing the masks which the robbers had worn. He received it in gloomy silence; but as the stage drove away he put his head out of the window, and after some pretty vigorous admonition resumed his old smile, and called out: 'Good-by, friends; good-by, thieves; I bear you no malice.' So the heaviest joke was on his tormentors after all.”

“'Yeah, and you’ll all end up in jail someday. There’s been a lot of theft around here lately, and it’s pretty obvious who did it.' They gave him a package with the masks that the robbers had worn. He accepted it in silent frustration; but as the stage drove away, he leaned out of the window, and after some strong advice, he went back to his old smile and called out: 'Goodbye, friends; goodbye, thieves; I hold no grudges against you.' So, in the end, the biggest joke was on his tormentors after all.”

This is the story of the famous Mark Twain robbery direct from headquarters. It has been garbled in so many ways that it seems worth setting down in full. Denis McCarthy, who joined him presently in San Francisco, received a little more punishment there.

This is the story of the famous Mark Twain robbery straight from headquarters. It has been twisted around so much that it’s worth writing it down completely. Denis McCarthy, who joined him later in San Francisco, faced a bit more trouble there.

“What kind of a trip did you boys have?” a friend asked of them.

“What kind of trip did you guys have?” a friend asked them.

Clemens, just recovering from a cold which the exposure on the Divide had given him, smiled grimly:

Clemens, just getting over a cold from being out in the cold on the Divide, smiled wryly:

“Oh, pretty good, only Denis here mistook it for a spree.”

“Oh, pretty good, but Denis here thought it was a party.”

He lectured again in San Francisco, this time telling the story of his Overland trip in 1861, and he did the daring thing of repeating three times the worn-out story of Horace Greeley's ride with Hank Monk, as given later in 'Roughing It'. People were deadly tired of that story out there, and when he told it the first time, with great seriousness, they thought he must be failing mentally. They did not laugh—they only felt sorry. He waited a little, as if expecting a laugh, and presently led around to it and told it again. The audience was astonished still more, and pitied him thoroughly. He seemed to be waiting pathetically in the dead silence for their applause, then went on with his lecture; but presently, with labored effort, struggled around to the old story again, and told it for the third time. The audience suddenly saw the joke then, and became vociferous and hysterical in their applause; but it was a narrow escape. He would have been hysterical himself if the relief had not came when it did. —[A side-light on the Horace Greeley story and on Mr. Greeley's eccentricities is furnished by Mr. Goodman:

He lectured again in San Francisco, this time sharing the story of his Overland trip in 1861. He took the bold step of repeating the tired story of Horace Greeley's ride with Hank Monk three times, as later recounted in 'Roughing It'. People were really fed up with that story out there, and when he first told it seriously, they thought he might be losing it mentally. They didn’t laugh—they just felt sorry for him. He paused as if expecting a laugh, then circled back to it and told it again. The audience was even more astonished and felt sorry for him. He seemed to be waiting pitifully in the silence for their applause, then continued with his lecture. But soon, with a struggle, he came back to the old story for a third time. The audience finally got the joke then and erupted in loud, hysterical applause; it was a close call. He would have lost it himself if the relief hadn’t come when it did. —[A side-light on the Horace Greeley story and on Mr. Greeley's eccentricities is furnished by Mr. Goodman:

When I was going East in 1869 I happened to see Hank Monk just before I started. “Mr. Goodman,” he said, “you tell Horace Greeley that I want to come East, and ask him to send me a pass.” “All right, Hank,” I said, “I will.” It happened that when I got to New York City one of the first men I met was Greeley. “Mr. Greeley,” said, “I have a message for you from Hank Monk.” Greeley bristled and glared at me. “That—rascal?” he said, “He has done me more injury than any other man in America.”]

When I was heading East in 1869, I ran into Hank Monk just before I left. “Mr. Goodman,” he said, “please let Horace Greeley know that I want to come East, and ask him to send me a pass.” “Sure thing, Hank,” I replied. When I arrived in New York City, one of the first people I encountered was Greeley. “Mr. Greeley,” I said, “I have a message for you from Hank Monk.” Greeley immediately got tense and glared at me. “That—rascal?” he exclaimed, “He has caused me more trouble than any other man in America.”





LVI. BACK TO THE STATES

In the mean time Clemens had completed his plan for sailing, and had arranged with General McComb, of the Alta California, for letters during his proposed trip around the world. However, he meant to visit his people first, and his old home. He could go back with means now, and with the prestige of success.

In the meantime, Clemens had finalized his sailing plans and arranged with General McComb of Alta California for letters during his upcoming trip around the world. However, he intended to visit his family first and return to his old home. Now, he could go back with resources and the prestige of having succeeded.

“I sail to-morrow per Opposition—telegraphed you to-day,” he wrote on December 14th, and a day later his note-book entry says:

“I’m sailing tomorrow with Opposition—I texted you today,” he wrote on December 14th, and a day later his notebook entry says:

    Sailed from San Francisco in Opposition (line) steamer America,
    Capt. Wakeman, at noon, 15th Dec., 1866. Pleasant sunny day, hills
    brightly clad with green grass and shrubbery.
    Sailed from San Francisco in the Opposition line steamer America, Capt. Wakeman, at noon, December 15, 1866. It was a nice sunny day, with the hills beautifully covered in green grass and shrubs.

So he was really going home at last! He had been gone five and a half years—eventful, adventurous years that had made him over completely, at least so far as ambitions and equipment were concerned. He had came away, in his early manhood, a printer and a pilot, unknown outside of his class. He was returning a man of thirty-one, with a fund of hard experience, three added professions—mining, journalism, and lecturing—also with a new name, already famous on the sunset slopes of its adoption, and beginning to be heard over the hills and far away. In some degree, at least, he resembled the prince of a fairy tale who, starting out humble and unnoticed, wins his way through a hundred adventures and returns with gifts and honors.

So he was finally going home! He had been away for five and a half years—years full of events and adventures that had completely transformed him, at least in terms of his goals and skills. He had left in his early twenties as a printer and a pilot, unknown outside of his circle. Now, he was returning at thirty-one, with a wealth of tough experiences, three additional careers—mining, journalism, and lecturing—and a new name that was already famous in the area where he had settled, and was starting to be recognized far and wide. In some ways, he was like the prince in a fairy tale who, starting off humble and unnoticed, navigates through numerous adventures and comes back with gifts and honors.

The homeward voyage was a notable one. It began with a tempest a little way out of San Francisco—a storm terrible but brief, that brought the passengers from their berths to the deck, and for a time set them praying. Then there was Captain Ned Wakeman, a big, burly, fearless sailor, who had visited the edges of all continents and archipelagos; who had been born at sea, and never had a day's schooling in his life, but knew the Bible by heart; who was full of human nature and profanity, and believed he was the only man on the globe who knew the secret of the Bible miracles. He became a distinct personality in Mark Twain's work—the memory of him was an unfailing delight. Captain “Ned Blakely,” in 'Roughing It', who with his own hands hanged Bill Noakes, after reading him promiscuous chapters from the Bible, was Captain Wakeman. Captain “Stormfield,” who had the marvelous visit to heaven, was likewise Captain Wakeman; and he appears in the “Idle Excursion” and elsewhere.

The journey home was quite memorable. It started with a storm shortly after leaving San Francisco—a fierce but short-lived tempest that had the passengers rushing from their cabins to the deck, praying for a bit. Then there was Captain Ned Wakeman, a big, tough, fearless sailor who had explored the edges of all the continents and islands; he was born at sea and had never had a single day of formal education, yet he could recite the Bible by heart. He was full of human nature and swearing, convinced he was the only person on the planet who understood the secrets behind the miracles in the Bible. He became a standout character in Mark Twain's writing—just thinking of him always brought joy. Captain “Ned Blakely” in 'Roughing It,' who hanged Bill Noakes with his own hands after reading him random chapters from the Bible, was actually Captain Wakeman. Captain “Stormfield,” who had the incredible trip to heaven, was also Captain Wakeman, and he shows up in “Idle Excursion” and elsewhere.

Another event of the voyage was crossing the Nicaragua Isthmus—the trip across the lake and down the San Juan River—a brand-new experience, between shores of splendid tropic tangle, gleaming with vivid life. The luxuriance got into his note-book.

Another event of the voyage was crossing the Nicaragua Isthmus—the trip across the lake and down the San Juan River—a completely new experience, surrounded by beautiful tropical jungles, sparkling with vibrant life. The richness of it all found its way into his notebook.

Dark grottos, fairy festoons, tunnels, temples, columns, pillars, towers, pilasters, terraces, pyramids, mounds, domes, walls, in endless confusion of vine-work—no shape known to architecture unimitated—and all so webbed together that short distances within are only gained by glimpses. Monkeys here and there; birds warbling; gorgeous plumaged birds on the wing; Paradise itself, the imperial realm of beauty-nothing to wish for to make it perfect.

Dark caves, fairy lights, tunnels, temples, columns, pillars, towers, pilasters, terraces, pyramids, mounds, domes, walls, all in a confusing tangle of vines—no architectural shape left unrepresented—and everything is so intertwined that you can only catch glimpses of short distances within. Monkeys here and there; birds singing; brightly colored birds in flight; Paradise itself, the ultimate realm of beauty—nothing else needed to make it perfect.

But it was beyond the isthmus that the voyage loomed into proportions somber and terrible. The vessel they took there, the San Francisco, sailed from Greytown January 1, 1867, the beginning of a memorable year in Mark Twain's life. Next day two cases of Asiatic cholera were reported in the steerage. There had been a rumor of it in Nicaragua, but no one expected it on the ship.

But it was beyond the isthmus that the journey took on a dark and dreadful scale. The ship they boarded, the San Francisco, left Greytown on January 1, 1867, marking the start of a significant year in Mark Twain's life. The next day, two cases of Asiatic cholera were reported in the steerage. There had been rumors of it in Nicaragua, but no one expected it on the ship.

The nature of the disease was not hinted at until evening, when one of the men died. Soon after midnight, the other followed. A minister making the voyage home, Rev. J. G. Fackler, read the burial service. The gaiety of the passengers, who had become well acquainted during the Pacific voyage, was subdued. When the word “cholera” went among them, faces grew grave and frightened. On the morning of January 4th Reverend Fackler's services were again required. The dead man was put overboard within half an hour after he had ceased to breathe.

The nature of the disease wasn't revealed until the evening when one of the men died. Soon after midnight, the other followed. A minister traveling home, Rev. J. G. Fackler, conducted the burial service. The cheerful atmosphere among the passengers, who had become close during the Pacific voyage, turned somber. When the word “cholera” spread, faces became serious and scared. On the morning of January 4th, Reverend Fackler's services were needed again. The deceased man was thrown overboard within half an hour after he stopped breathing.

Gloom settled upon the ship. All steam was made to put into Key West. Then some of the machinery gave way and the ship lay rolling, helplessly becalmed in the fierce heat of the Gulf, while repairs were being made. The work was done at a disadvantage, and the parts did not hold. Time and again they were obliged to lie to, in the deadly tropic heat, listening to the hopeless hammering, wondering who would be the next to be sewed up hastily in a blanket and slipped over the ship's side. On the 5th seven new cases of illness were reported. One of the crew, a man called “Shape,” was said to be dying. A few hours later he was dead. By this time the Reverend Fackler himself had been taken.

Gloom settled over the ship. All steam was directed to Key West. Then some of the machinery broke down, and the ship lay rolling, helplessly stuck in the scorching heat of the Gulf while repairs were underway. The work was challenging, and the parts didn’t hold. Time and again, they had to stay still in the oppressive tropical heat, listening to the relentless hammering, wondering who would be the next to be hastily wrapped in a blanket and tossed over the side of the ship. On the 5th, seven new cases of illness were reported. One of the crew, a man called “Shape,” was said to be dying. A few hours later, he was dead. By this time, Reverend Fackler himself had fallen ill.

“So they are burying poor 'Shape' without benefit of clergy,” says the note-book.

“So they are burying poor 'Shape' without any religious service,” says the notebook.

General consternation now began to prevail. Then it was learned that the ship's doctor had run out of medicines. The passengers became demoralized. They believed their vessel was to become a charnel ship. Strict sanitary orders were issued, and a hospital was improvised.

A sense of panic started to take over. Then it was discovered that the ship's doctor had run out of medicine. The passengers lost hope. They thought their ship was going to become a floating grave. Strict health regulations were put in place, and a makeshift hospital was set up.

    Verily the ship is becoming a floating hospital herself—not an hour
    passes but brings its fresh sensation, its new disaster, its
    melancholy tidings. When I think of poor “Shape” and the preacher,
    both so well when I saw them yesterday evening, I realize that I
    myself may be dead to-morrow.

    Since the last two hours all laughter, all levity, has ceased on the
    ship—a settled gloom is upon the faces of the passengers.
    Truly, the ship is turning into a floating hospital—every hour brings fresh news, new disasters, and sad updates. When I think of poor "Shape" and the preacher, both in good spirits when I saw them yesterday evening, I realize that I might be dead tomorrow.

    For the last two hours, all laughter and lightheartedness have vanished from the ship—a heavy sadness hangs over the faces of the passengers.

By noon it was evident that the minister could not survive. He died at two o'clock next morning; the fifth victim in less than five days. The machinery continued to break and the vessel to drag. The ship's doctor confessed to Clemens that he was helpless. There were eight patients in the hospital.

By noon, it was clear that the minister wasn't going to make it. He passed away at two o'clock the next morning, the fifth victim in less than five days. The machinery kept breaking down, and the ship was struggling. The ship's doctor admitted to Clemens that he felt powerless. There were eight patients in the hospital.

But on January 6th they managed to make Key West, and for some reason were not quarantined. Twenty-one passengers immediately deserted the ship and were heard of no more.

But on January 6th, they managed to reach Key West, and for some reason, they weren't quarantined. Twenty-one passengers immediately left the ship and were never heard from again.

“I am glad they are gone. D—n them,” says the notebook. Apparently he had never considered leaving, and a number of others remained. The doctor restocked his medicine-locker, and the next day they put to sea again. Certainly they were a daring lot of voyagers. On the 8th another of the patients died. Then the cooler weather seemed to check the contagion, and it was not until the night of the 11th, when the New York harbor lights were in view, that the final death occurred. There were no new cases by this time, and the other patients were convalescent. A certificate was made out that the last man had died of “dropsy.” There would seem to have been no serious difficulty in docking the vessel and landing the passengers. The matter would probably be handled differently to-day.

“I’m glad they’re gone. Damn them,” says the notebook. Apparently, he had never thought about leaving, and several others stayed behind. The doctor stocked up his medicine locker, and the next day they set sail again. They were definitely a bold group of travelers. On the 8th, another one of the patients died. Then, the cooler weather seemed to slow down the spread of the illness, and it wasn’t until the night of the 11th, when the New York harbor lights came into view, that the final death happened. By this time, there were no new cases, and the other patients were recovering. A certificate was issued stating that the last man died of “dropsy.” It didn’t seem to be too difficult to dock the ship and disembark the passengers. Today, things would probably be handled differently.





LVII. OLD FRIENDS AND NEW PLANS

It had been more than thirteen years since his first arrival in New York. Then he had been a youth, green, untraveled, eager to get away from home. Now a veteran, he was as eager to return.

It had been more than thirteen years since he first arrived in New York. Back then, he was a young man, inexperienced, untraveled, and eager to leave home. Now, as a veteran, he was just as eager to go back.

He stopped only long enough in New York to see Charles Henry Webb, late of California, who had put together a number of the Mark Twain sketches, including “The Jumping Frog,” for book publication. Clemens himself decided to take the book to Carleton, thinking that, having missed the fame of the “Frog” once, he might welcome a chance to stand sponsor for it now. But Carleton was wary; the “Frog” had won favor, and even fame, in its fugitive, vagrant way, but a book was another matter. Books were undertaken very seriously and with plenty of consideration in those days. Twenty-one years later, in Switzerland, Carleton said to Mark Twain:

He only stopped in New York long enough to meet Charles Henry Webb, who was previously in California and had compiled several of the Mark Twain sketches, including “The Jumping Frog,” for publication. Clemens decided to take the book to Carleton, thinking that since he had missed out on the fame of the “Frog” before, he might be eager to support it now. But Carleton was cautious; the “Frog” had gained popularity and even some fame in its wandering way, but a book was a different issue. Back then, books were approached very seriously and with a lot of thought. Twenty-one years later, in Switzerland, Carleton said to Mark Twain:

“My chief claim to immortality is the distinction of having declined your first book.”

“My main claim to fame is the fact that I turned down your first book.”

Clemens was ready enough to give up the book when Carleton declined it, but Webb said he would publish it himself, and he set about it forthwith. The author waited no longer now, but started for St. Louis, and was soon with his mother and sister, whom he had not seen since that eventful first year of the war. They thought he looked old, which was true enough, but they found him unchanged in his manner: buoyant, full of banter and gravely quaint remarks—he was always the same. Jane Clemens had grown older, too. She was nearly sixty-four, but as keen and vigorous as ever-proud (even if somewhat critical) of this handsome, brilliant man of new name and fame who had been her mischievous, wayward boy. She petted him, joked with him, scolded him, and inquired searchingly into his morals and habits. In turn he petted, comforted, and teased her. She decided that he was the same Sam, and always would be—a true prophecy.

Clemens was more than willing to let go of the book when Carleton turned it down, but Webb said he would publish it himself, and he got right to work. The author didn’t waste any time and headed to St. Louis, where he quickly reunited with his mother and sister, whom he hadn’t seen since that significant first year of the war. They thought he looked older, which was accurate, but his manner remained unchanged: lively, full of jokes and amusingly odd comments—he was always the same. Jane Clemens had also aged. She was nearly sixty-four, but as sharp and energetic as ever—proud (even if a bit critical) of this handsome, talented man with a new name and fame, who had once been her mischievous, rebellious boy. She doted on him, joked with him, scolded him, and asked him probing questions about his morals and habits. In return, he showered her with affection, comforted her, and playfully teased her. She concluded that he was still the same Sam and always would be—a true prediction.

He went up to Hannibal to see old friends. Many were married; some had moved away; some were dead—the old story. He delivered his lecture there, and was the center of interest and admiration—his welcome might have satisfied even Tom Sawyer. From Hannibal he journeyed to Keokuk, where he lectured again to a crowd of old friends and new, then returned to St. Louis for a more extended visit.

He went to Hannibal to catch up with old friends. Many had gotten married; some had moved away; some had passed away—the same old story. He gave his lecture there and was the center of attention and admiration—his welcome could have pleased even Tom Sawyer. From Hannibal, he traveled to Keokuk, where he lectured again to a mix of old friends and new faces, then returned to St. Louis for a longer visit.

It was while he was in St. Louis that he first saw the announcement of the Quaker City Holy Land Excursion, and was promptly fascinated by what was then a brand-new idea in ocean travel—a splendid picnic—a choice and refined party that would sail away for a long summer's journeying to the most romantic of all lands and seas, the shores of the Mediterranean. No such argosy had ever set out before in pursuit of the golden fleece of happiness.

It was while he was in St. Louis that he first saw the announcement for the Quaker City Holy Land Excursion, and he was instantly captivated by what was then a fresh concept in ocean travel—a beautiful picnic—a select and sophisticated group that would sail away for a long summer adventure to the most enchanting lands and seas, the shores of the Mediterranean. No such voyage had ever embarked before in search of the golden fleece of happiness.

His projected trip around the world lost its charm in the light of this idyllic dream. Henry Ward Beecher was advertised as one of the party; General Sherman as another; also ministers, high-class journalists—the best minds of the nation. Anson Burlingame had told him to associate with persons of refinement and intellect. He lost no time in writing to the Alta, proposing that they send him in this select company.

His planned trip around the world lost its appeal in the face of this beautiful dream. Henry Ward Beecher was promoted as part of the group; General Sherman was another member; there were also ministers and top-notch journalists—the brightest minds of the country. Anson Burlingame had advised him to connect with people of sophistication and intelligence. He quickly wrote to the Alta, suggesting that they send him along with this exclusive company.

Noah Brooks, who was then on the Alta, states—[In an article published in the Century Magazine.]—that the management was staggered by the proposition, but that Col. John McComb insisted that the investment in Mark Twain would be sound. A letter was accordingly sent, stating that a check for his passage would be forwarded in due season, and that meantime he could contribute letters from New York City. The rate for all letters was to be twenty dollars each. The arrangement was a godsend, in the fullest sense of the word, to Mark Twain.

Noah Brooks, who at the time was on the Alta, mentions—[In an article published in the Century Magazine.]—that the management was taken aback by the proposal, but Col. John McComb insisted that investing in Mark Twain would be a good move. A letter was sent stating that a check for his passage would be sent soon, and in the meantime, he could write letters from New York City. The rate for all letters was set at twenty dollars each. This arrangement was a blessing, in every sense of the word, for Mark Twain.

It was now April, and he was eager to get back to New York to arrange his passage. The Quaker City would not sail for two months yet (two eventful months), but the advertisement said that passages must be secured by the 5th, and he was there on that day. Almost the first man he met was the chief of the New York Alta bureau with a check for twelve hundred and fifty dollars (the amount of his ticket) and a telegram saying, “Ship Mark Twain in the Holy Land Excursion and pay his passage.”

It was now April, and he was excited to get back to New York to book his trip. The Quaker City wouldn't set sail for another two months (which would be two busy months), but the ad stated that tickets had to be secured by the 5th, and he was there on that day. Almost the first person he ran into was the head of the New York Alta bureau, holding a check for twelve hundred and fifty dollars (the price of his ticket) and a telegram that read, “Ship Mark Twain in the Holy Land Excursion and pay his passage.”

    —[The following letter, which bears no date, was probably handed to
    him later in the New York Alta office as a sort of credential:

    ALTA CALIFORNIA OFFICE, 42 JOHN STREET, NEW YORK.

    Sam'l Clemens, Esq., New York.

    DEAR SIR,—I have the honor to inform you that Fred'k. MacCrellish
    & Co., Proprietors of Alta California, San Francisco, Cal., desire
    to engage your services as Special Correspondent on the pleasure
    excursion now about to proceed from this City to the Holy Land. In
    obedience to their instructions I have secured a passage for you on
    the vessel about to convey the excursion party referred to, and made
    such arrangements as I hope will secure your comfort and
    convenience. Your only instructions are that you will continue to
    write at such times and from such places as you deem proper, and in
    the same style that heretofore secured you the favor of the readers
    of the Alta California. I have the honor to remain, with high
    respect and esteem,

    Your ob'dt. Servant,

    JOHN J. MURPHY.]
    —[The following letter, which has no date, was likely given to him later at the New York Alta office as a sort of credential:

    ALTA CALIFORNIA OFFICE, 42 JOHN STREET, NEW YORK.

    Sam'l Clemens, Esq., New York.

    DEAR SIR,—I am pleased to inform you that Fred'k. MacCrellish & Co., owners of Alta California in San Francisco, California, want to hire you as a Special Correspondent for the upcoming pleasure trip from this city to the Holy Land. Following their instructions, I have booked a ticket for you on the ship that will take the excursion group, and I’ve made arrangements that I hope will ensure your comfort and convenience. Your only directive is to continue writing whenever and from wherever you see fit, and in the same style that previously earned you the goodwill of the Alta California readers. I remain, with high respect and esteem,

    Your obedient servant,

    JOHN J. MURPHY.]

The Alta, it appears, had already applied for his berth; but, not having been vouched for by Mr. Beecher or some other eminent divine, Clemens was fearful he might not be accepted. Quite casually he was enlightened on this point. While waiting for attention in the shipping-office, with the Alta agent, he heard a newspaper man inquire what notables were going. A clerk, with evident pride, rattled off the names:

The Alta, it seems, had already applied for his spot; however, since he hadn’t been recommended by Mr. Beecher or some other well-known figure, Clemens was worried he might not be accepted. He got some clarity on this while casually waiting for assistance in the shipping office with the Alta agent. He heard a reporter ask which notable people were going. A clerk, clearly proud, listed off the names:

“Lieutenant-General Sherman, Henry Ward Beecher, and Mask Twain; also probably General Banks.”

“Lieutenant-General Sherman, Henry Ward Beecher, and Mark Twain; also probably General Banks.”

So he was billed as an attraction. It was his first surreptitious taste of fame on the Atlantic coast, and not without its delight. The story often told of his being introduced by Ned House, of the Tribune, as a minister, though often repeated by Mark Twain himself, was in the nature of a joke, and mainly apocryphal. Clemens was a good deal in House's company at the time, for he had made an arrangement to contribute occasional letters to the Tribune, and House no doubt introduced him jokingly as one of the Quaker City ministers.

So he was marketed as an attraction. It was his first sneaky taste of fame on the Atlantic coast, and it was quite enjoyable. The often-told story of him being introduced by Ned House from the Tribune as a minister, frequently recounted by Mark Twain himself, was more of a joke and mostly a myth. Clemens spent a lot of time with House during that period because he had set up a deal to write occasional letters for the Tribune, and House likely introduced him humorously as one of the Quaker City ministers.





LVIII. A NEW BOOK AND A LECTURE

Webb, meantime, had pushed the Frog book along. The proofs had been read and the volume was about ready for issue. Clemens wrote to his mother April 15th:

Webb, in the meantime, had moved forward with the Frog book. The proofs had been reviewed, and the book was almost ready for release. Clemens wrote to his mother on April 15th:

    My book will probably be in the bookseller's hands in about two
    weeks. After that I shall lecture. Since I have been gone, the
    boys have gotten up a “call” on me signed by two hundred
    Californians.
    My book will likely be in the bookseller's hands in about two weeks. After that, I’ll give a lecture. Since I’ve been away, the guys have organized a “call” for me signed by two hundred Californians.

The lecture plan was the idea of Frank Fuller, who as acting Governor of Utah had known Mark Twain on the Comstock, and prophesied favorably of his future career. Clemens had hunted up Fuller on landing in New York in January, and Fuller had encouraged the lecture then; but Clemens was doubtful.

The lecture plan was Frank Fuller’s idea. As the acting Governor of Utah, he had known Mark Twain while on the Comstock and spoke positively about his future career. When Clemens arrived in New York in January, he sought out Fuller, who had encouraged the lecture at that time, but Clemens was uncertain.

“I have no reputation with the general public here,” he said. “We couldn't get a baker's dozen to hear me.”

“I don’t have any reputation with the general public here,” he said. “We couldn’t get a baker’s dozen to listen to me.”

But Fuller was a sanguine person, with an energy and enthusiasm that were infectious. He insisted that the idea was sound. It would solidify Mark Twain's reputation on the Atlantic coast, he declared, insisting that the largest house in New York, Cooper Union, should be taken. Clemens had partially consented, and Fuller had arranged with all the Pacific slope people who had come East, headed by ex-Governor James W. Nye (by this time Senator at Washington), to sign a call for the “Inimitable Mark Twain” to appear before a New York audience. Fuller made Nye agree to be there and introduce the lecturer, and he was burningly busy and happy in the prospect.

But Fuller was an optimistic person, with an energy and enthusiasm that were contagious. He insisted that the idea was solid. It would strengthen Mark Twain's reputation on the Atlantic coast, he declared, insisting that the largest venue in New York, Cooper Union, should be used. Clemens had partly agreed, and Fuller had coordinated with all the Pacific slope people who had come East, led by ex-Governor James W. Nye (who was now a Senator in Washington), to sign a call for the “Inimitable Mark Twain” to speak before a New York audience. Fuller got Nye to agree to be there and introduce the lecturer, and he was incredibly busy and excited about the plan.

But Mark Twain was not happy. He looked at that spacious hall and imagined the little crowd of faithful Californian stragglers that might gather in to hear him, and the ridicule of the papers next day. He begged Fuller to take a smaller hall, the smallest he could get. But only the biggest hall in New York would satisfy Fuller. He would have taken a larger one if he could have found it. The lecture was announced for May 6th. Its subject was “Kanakadom, or the Sandwich Islands”—tickets fifty cents. Fuller timed it to follow a few days after Webb's book should appear, so that one event might help the other.

But Mark Twain wasn’t happy. He looked at the big hall and imagined the small group of loyal stragglers from California that might show up to hear him, along with the mockery in the newspapers the next day. He asked Fuller to book a smaller venue, the smallest one available. But only the largest hall in New York would satisfy Fuller. He would have booked an even bigger one if he could have found it. The lecture was set for May 6th. Its topic was “Kanakadom, or the Sandwich Islands”—tickets were fifty cents. Fuller scheduled it to take place a few days after Webb's book was supposed to be released, hoping that one event would boost the other.

Mark Twain's first book, 'The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveyas County, and Other Sketches', was scheduled for May 1st, and did, in fact, appear on that date; but to the author it was no longer an important event. Jim Smiley's frog as standard-bearer of his literary procession was not an interesting object, so far as he was concerned—not with that vast, empty hall in the background and the insane undertaking of trying to fill it. The San Francisco venture had been as nothing compared with this. Fuller was working night and day with abounding joy, while the subject of his labor felt as if he were on the brink of a fearful precipice, preparing to try a pair of wings without first learning to fly. At one instant he was cold with fright, the next glowing with an infection of Fuller's faith. He devised a hundred schemes for the sale of seats. Once he came rushing to Fuller, saying:

Mark Twain's first book, 'The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, and Other Sketches', was set to release on May 1st, and it did come out on that date; however, to the author, it wasn't a significant event anymore. Jim Smiley's frog as the symbol of his literary journey didn't seem interesting to him—not with that huge, empty hall behind him and the crazy task of trying to fill it. The San Francisco project paled in comparison to this. Fuller was working day and night with genuine enthusiasm, while Twain felt like he was on the edge of a terrifying cliff, ready to attempt to fly without knowing how. One moment he was paralyzed with fear, and the next he was energized by Fuller's confidence. He came up with a hundred plans for selling tickets. Once, he burst into Fuller's office, saying:

“Send a lot of tickets down to the Chickering Piano Company. I have promised to put on my programme, 'The piano used at this entertainment is manufactured by Chickering.”'

“Send a bunch of tickets to the Chickering Piano Company. I’ve promised to put on my program, 'The piano used in this event is made by Chickering.'”

“But you don't want a piano, Mark,” said Fuller, “do you?”

“But you don't want a piano, Mark,” Fuller said, “do you?”

“No, of course not; but they will distribute the tickets for the sake of the advertisement, whether we have the piano or not.”

“No, of course not; but they will hand out the tickets for the sake of advertising, whether we have the piano or not.”

Fuller got out a lot of handbills and hung bunches of them in the stages, omnibuses, and horse-cars. Clemens at first haunted these vehicles to see if anybody noticed the bills. The little dangling bunches seemed untouched. Finally two men came in; one of them pulled off a bill and glanced at it. His friend asked:

Fuller distributed a lot of flyers and hung clusters of them in theaters, buses, and horse-drawn carriages. Clemens initially frequented these places to see if anyone noticed the flyers. The little clusters seemed undisturbed. Eventually, two men entered; one of them took a flyer and looked at it. His friend asked:

“Who's Mark Twain?”

“Who is Mark Twain?”

“God knows; I don't!”

“God knows; I don't!”

The lecturer could not ride any more. He was desperate.

The lecturer couldn't ride anymore. He was desperate.

“Fuller,” he groaned, “there isn't a sign—a ripple of interest.”

“Fuller,” he groaned, “there's not a single sign—no hint of interest.”

Fuller assured him that everything was working all right “working underneath,” Fuller said—but the lecturer was hopeless. He reported his impressions to the folks at home:

Fuller assured him that everything was going fine "working underneath," Fuller said—but the lecturer just couldn't see it. He shared his thoughts with the folks back home:

    Everything looks shady, at least, if not dark; I have a good agent;
    but now, after we have hired the Cooper Institute, and gone to an
    expense in one way or another of $500, it comes out that I have got
    to play against Speaker Colfax at Irving Hall, Ristori, and also the
    double troop of Japanese jugglers, the latter opening at the great
    Academy of Music—and with all this against me I have taken the
    largest house in New York and cannot back water.
Everything seems sketchy, if not downright bad; I have a solid agent; but now, after we’ve booked the Cooper Institute and spent about $500, it turns out I have to compete against Speaker Colfax at Irving Hall, Ristori, and also the double troop of Japanese jugglers, the latter starting at the big Academy of Music—and with all of this stacked against me, I’ve rented the biggest venue in New York and can’t back out.

He might have added that there were other rival entertainments: “The Flying Scud” was at Wallack's, the “Black Crook” was at Niblo's, John Brougham at the Olympic; and there were at least a dozen lesser attractions. New York was not the inexhaustible city in those days; these things could gather in the public to the last man. When the day drew near, and only a few tickets had been sold, Clemens was desperate.

He might have mentioned that there were other competing shows: “The Flying Scud” was at Wallack's, “The Black Crook” was at Niblo's, and John Brougham was at the Olympic; plus there were at least a dozen smaller attractions. New York wasn’t an endless city back then; these events could draw every last person. As the day approached and only a few tickets had been sold, Clemens was feeling desperate.

“Fuller,” he said, “there'll be nobody in the Cooper Union that night but you and me. I am on the verge of suicide. I would commit suicide if I had the pluck and the outfit. You must paper the house, Fuller. You must send out a flood of complementaries.”

“Fuller,” he said, “there won't be anyone at the Cooper Union that night except for you and me. I’m really close to ending it all. I would take that step if I had the courage and the means. You have to promote the event, Fuller. You need to send out plenty of complimentary tickets.”

“Very well,” said Fuller; “what we want this time is reputation anyway—money is secondary. I'll put you before the choicest, most intelligent audience that ever was gathered in New York City. I will bring in the school-instructors—the finest body of men and women in the world.”

“Alright,” said Fuller; “what we really want this time is reputation anyway—money comes second. I’ll put you in front of the most amazing, brightest audience ever gathered in New York City. I’ll bring in the teachers—the best group of men and women in the world.”

Fuller immediately sent out a deluge of complimentary tickets, inviting the school-teachers of New York and Brooklyn, and all the adjacent country, to come free and hear Mark Twain's great lecture on Kanakadom. This was within forty-eight hours of the time he was to appear.

Fuller quickly sent out a flood of free tickets, inviting teachers from New York and Brooklyn, as well as all the surrounding areas, to come and listen to Mark Twain's amazing lecture on Kanakadom. This happened within forty-eight hours of his scheduled appearance.

Senator Nye was to have joined Clemens and Fuller at the Westminster, where Clemens was stopping, and they waited for him there with a carriage, fuming and swearing, until it was evident that he was not coming. At last Clemens said:

Senator Nye was supposed to meet Clemens and Fuller at the Westminster, where Clemens was staying, and they waited for him there with a carriage, getting increasingly frustrated and angry, until it became clear that he wasn’t going to show up. Finally, Clemens said:

“Fuller, you've got to introduce me.”

“Fuller, you need to introduce me.”

“No,” suggested Fuller; “I've got a better scheme than that. You get up and begin by bemeaning Nye for not being there. That will be better anyway.”

“No,” suggested Fuller; “I have a better plan than that. You should get up and start by making fun of Nye for not being here. That will work better anyway.”

Clemens said:

Clemens stated:

“Well, Fuller, I can do that. I feel that way. I'll try to think up something fresh and happy to say about that horse-thief.”

“Well, Fuller, I can do that. I feel that way. I'll try to come up with something new and cheerful to say about that horse thief.”

They drove to Cooper Union with trepidation. Suppose, after all, the school-teachers had declined to come? They went half an hour before the lecture was to begin. Forty years later Mark Twain said:

They drove to Cooper Union feeling nervous. What if, after all, the teachers decided not to show up? They arrived half an hour before the lecture was set to start. Forty years later, Mark Twain said:

“I couldn't keep away. I wanted to see that vast Mammoth cave and die. But when we got near the building I saw that all the streets were blocked with people, and that traffic had stopped. I couldn't believe that these people were trying to get into Cooper Institute; but they were, and when I got to the stage at last the house was jammed full-packed; there wasn't room enough left for a child.

“I couldn't stay away. I wanted to see that huge Mammoth cave and die. But when we got close to the building, I saw that all the streets were filled with people, and traffic had come to a halt. I couldn't believe these people were trying to get into Cooper Institute; but they were, and when I finally reached the stage, the place was packed to the brim; there wasn't even space left for a child.”

“I was happy and I was excited beyond expression. I poured the Sandwich Islands out on those people, and they laughed and shouted to my entire content. For an hour and fifteen minutes I was in paradise.”

“I was so happy and excited that I couldn't put it into words. I shared everything about the Sandwich Islands with those people, and they laughed and cheered to my heart's content. For an hour and fifteen minutes, I was in paradise.”

And Fuller to-day, alive and young, when so many others of that ancient time and event have vanished, has added:

And Fuller today, alive and youthful, when so many others from that ancient time and event have disappeared, has added:

“When Mark appeared the Californians gave a regular yell of welcome. When that was over he walked to the edge of the platform, looked carefully down in the pit, round the edges as if he were hunting for something. Then he said: 'There was to have been a piano here, and a senator to introduce me. I don't seem to discover them anywhere. The piano was a good one, but we will have to get along with such music as I can make with your help. As for the senator—Then Mark let himself go and did as he promised about Senator Nye. He said things that made men from the Pacific coast, who had known Nye, scream with delight. After that came his lecture. The first sentence captured the audience. From that moment to the end it was either in a roar of laughter or half breathless by his beautiful descriptive passages. People were positively ill for days, laughing at that lecture.”

“When Mark showed up, the Californians let out a big cheer of welcome. Once that calmed down, he walked to the edge of the platform, peered carefully down into the pit, scanning the edges as if he was looking for something. Then he said, 'There was supposed to be a piano here, and a senator to introduce me. I can't seem to find either one. The piano was supposed to be a nice one, but we'll have to make do with whatever music I can create with your help. As for the senator—' Then Mark really let loose and delivered on his promise about Senator Nye. He said things that had the Pacific coast folks who knew Nye laughing hysterically. After that, his lecture began. The first sentence hooked the audience. From that moment on, they were either roaring with laughter or breathless from his beautiful descriptions. People were even laughing about that lecture for days afterward."

So it was a success: everybody was glad to have been there; the papers were kind, congratulations numerous. —[Kind but not extravagant; those were burning political times, and the doings of mere literary people did not excite the press to the extent of headlines. A jam around Cooper Union to-day, followed by such an artistic triumph, would be a news event. On the other hand, Schuyler Colfax, then Speaker of the House, was reported to the extent of a column, nonpareil. His lecture was of no literary importance, and no echo of it now remains. But those were political, not artistic, days.

So it was a success: everyone was happy to have been there; the newspapers were nice, and there were plenty of congratulations. —[Nice but not over the top; those were intense political times, and the actions of just literary figures didn’t get the press excited enough for headlines. A crowd at Cooper Union today, followed by such an artistic success, would be a big news event. On the other hand, Schuyler Colfax, who was the Speaker of the House at the time, got a whole column's worth of coverage, unparalleled. His lecture wasn’t of any literary significance, and no trace of it remains today. But those were political, not artistic, times.]

Of Mark Twain's lecture the Times notice said:

Of Mark Twain's lecture, the Times review said:

“Nearly every one present came prepared for considerable provocation for enjoyable laughter, and from the appearance of their mirthful faces leaving the hall at the conclusion of the lecture but few were disappointed, and it is not too much to say that seldom has so large an audience been so uniformly pleased as the one that listened to Mark Twain's quaint remarks last evening. The large hall of the Union was filled to its utmost capacity by fully two thousand persons, which fact spoke well for the reputation of the lecturer and his future success. Mark Twain's style is a quaint one both in manner and method, and through his discourse he managed to keep on the right side of the audience, and frequently convulsed it with hearty laughter.... During a description of the topography of the Sandwich Islands the lecturer surprised his hearers by a graphic and eloquent description of the eruption of the great volcano, which occurred in 1840, and his language was loudly applauded.

“Almost everyone there showed up ready for a lot of fun and laughter, and judging by the happy faces leaving the hall after the lecture, very few were disappointed. It's safe to say that such a large crowd has rarely been so universally entertained as the one that listened to Mark Twain's unique comments last night. The large Union hall was filled to capacity with about two thousand people, which reflects positively on the lecturer's reputation and future prospects. Mark Twain's style is quirky in both tone and approach, and throughout his talk, he skillfully maintained a good rapport with the audience, often bringing them to hearty laughter. During his description of the geography of the Sandwich Islands, he surprised his listeners with a vivid and passionate account of the eruption of the great volcano that happened in 1840, and his words received loud applause.”

“Judging from the success achieved by the lecturer last evening, he should repeat his experiment at an early date.”]

“Based on the success the lecturer had last night, he should try his experiment again soon.”

                   COOPER INSTITUTE
    By Invitation of s large number of prominent Californians and
                  Citizens of New York,

                      MARK TWAIN

                    WILL DELIVER A
                  SERIO-HUMEROUS LECTURE
                      CONERNING

                      KANAKDOM
                         OR
                  THE SANDWICH ISLANDS,

                   COOPER INSTITUTE,
               On Monday Evening, May 6,1867.

                  TICKETS FIFTY GENTS.
 For Sale at Chickering and Sons, 852 Broadway, and at the Principal
                       Hotel

    Doors open at 7 o'clock.  The Wisdom will begin to flow at 8.
                   COOPER INSTITUTE  
    By Invitation of a large number of prominent Californians and  
                  Citizens of New York,  

                      MARK TWAIN  

                    WILL DELIVER A  
                  SERIO-HUMOROUS LECTURE  
                      CONCERNING  

                      KANAKDOM  
                         OR  
                  THE SANDWICH ISLANDS,  

                   COOPER INSTITUTE,  
               On Monday Evening, May 6, 1867.  

                  TICKETS FIFTY CENTS.  
 For Sale at Chickering and Sons, 852 Broadway, and at the Principal  
                       Hotel  

    Doors open at 7 o'clock. The Wisdom will begin to flow at 8.  

Mark Twain always felt grateful to the school-teachers for that night. Many years later, when they wanted him to read to them in Steinway Hall, he gladly gave his services without charge.

Mark Twain always felt thankful to the teachers for that night. Many years later, when they asked him to read to them in Steinway Hall, he happily offered his services for free.

Nor was the lecture a complete financial failure. In spite of the flood of complementaries, there was a cash return of some three hundred dollars from the sale of tickets—a substantial aid in defraying the expenses which Fuller assumed and insisted on making good on his own account. That was Fuller's regal way; his return lay in the joy of the game, and in the winning of the larger stake for a friend.

The lecture wasn't a total financial loss. Despite all the complimentary tickets, there was a cash return of about three hundred dollars from ticket sales—a significant help in covering the expenses that Fuller took on himself and insisted on paying out of his own pocket. That was Fuller's grand style; his reward came from the thrill of the experience and from securing a bigger win for a friend.

“Mark,” he said, “it is all right. The fortune didn't come, but it will. The fame has arrived; with this lecture and your book just out you are going to be the most talked-of man in the country. Your letters for the Alta and the Tribune will get the widest reception of any letters of travel ever written.”

“Mark,” he said, “it’s okay. The fortune hasn’t come yet, but it will. The fame is already here; with this lecture and your book just released, you’re going to be the most talked-about man in the country. Your letters for the Alta and the Tribune will be more widely received than any travel letters ever written.”





LIX. THE FIRST BOOK

With the shadow of the Cooper Institute so happily dispelled, The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, and his following of Other Sketches, became a matter of more interest. The book was a neat blue-and-gold volume printed by John A. Gray & Green, the old firm for which the boy, Sam Clemens, had set type thirteen years before. The title-page bore Webb's name as publisher, with the American News Company as selling agents. It further stated that the book was edited by “John Paul,” that is to say by Webb himself. The dedication was in keeping with the general irresponsible character of the venture. It was as follows:

With the shadow of the Cooper Institute finally gone, The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County and its collection of Other Sketches became much more interesting. The book was a nice blue-and-gold edition printed by John A. Gray & Green, the old company where the boy, Sam Clemens, had worked as a typesetter thirteen years earlier. The title page listed Webb as the publisher, with the American News Company as the sales agents. It also mentioned that the book was edited by "John Paul," which meant it was edited by Webb himself. The dedication matched the overall carefree vibe of the project. It was as follows:

                         TO
                      JOHN SMITH
            WHOM I HAVE KNOWN IN DIVERS AND SUNDRY
             PLACES ABOUT THE WORLD, AND WHOSE
               MANY AND MANIFOLD VIRTUES DID
                ALWAYS COMMAND MY ESTEEM,
                  I DEDICATE THIS BOOK
                         TO
                      JOHN SMITH
            WHOM I HAVE KNOWN IN MANY DIFFERENT
             PLACES AROUND THE WORLD, AND WHOSE
               MANY AND VARIED VIRTUES ALWAYS
                EARNED MY RESPECT,
                  I DEDICATE THIS BOOK

It is said that the man to whom a volume is dedicated always buys a copy. If this prove true in the present instance, a princely affluence is about to burst upon THE AUTHOR.

It’s said that the person a book is dedicated to always buys a copy. If this is true in this case, a great wealth is about to come to THE AUTHOR.

The “advertisement” stated that the author had “scaled the heights of popularity at a single jump, and won for himself the sobriquet of the 'Wild Humorist of the Pacific Slope'; furthermore, that he was known to fame as the 'Moralist of the Main,'” and that as such he would be likely to go down to posterity, adding that it was in his secondary character, as humorist, rather than in his primal one of moralist, that the volume aimed to present him.—[The advertisement complete, with extracts from the book, may be found under Appendix E, at the end of last volume.]

The "advertisement" claimed that the author had "jumped straight to the top of popularity and earned the nickname 'Wild Humorist of the Pacific Slope'; also, he was known to many as the 'Moralist of the Main,'" and that he was likely to be remembered for this, adding that the volume aimed to showcase him more in his secondary role as a humorist than in his primary one as a moralist.—[The complete advertisement, along with excerpts from the book, can be found under Appendix E at the end of the last volume.]

Every little while, during the forty years or more that have elapsed since then, some one has come forward announcing Mark Twain to be as much a philosopher as a humorist, as if this were a new discovery. But it was a discovery chiefly to the person making the announcement. Every one who ever knew Mark Twain at any period of his life made the same discovery. Every one who ever took the trouble to familiarize himself with his work made it. Those who did not make it have known his work only by hearsay and quotation, or they have read it very casually, or have been very dull. It would be much more of a discovery to find a book in which he has not been serious—a philosopher, a moralist, and a poet. Even in the Jumping Frog sketches, selected particularly for their inconsequence, the under-vein of reflection and purpose is not lacking. The answer to Moral Statistician—[In “Answers to Correspondents,” included now in Sketches New and Old. An extract from it, and from “A Strange Dream,” will be found in Appendix E.]—is fairly alive with human wisdom and righteous wrath. The “Strange Dream,” though ending in a joke, is aglow with poetry. Webb's “advertisement” was playfully written, but it was earnestly intended, and he writes Mark Twain down a moralist—not as a discovery, but as a matter of course. The discoveries came along later, when the author's fame as a humorist had dazzled the nations.

Every now and then, over the past forty years or so, someone has claimed that Mark Twain is as much a philosopher as he is a humorist, as if it were some kind of new revelation. But this was mainly a revelation to the person making the claim. Anyone who ever knew Mark Twain at any point in his life realized the same thing. Anyone who took the time to get to know his work did too. Those who didn’t see it probably only know his work from hearsay and quotes, or they read it superficially, or they just weren’t paying attention. It would be much more surprising to find a book where he isn’t serious—a philosopher, a moralist, and a poet. Even in the Jumping Frog sketches, which were chosen for their silliness, there’s still a deeper layer of thought and purpose. The answer to the Moral Statistician—[In “Answers to Correspondents,” included now in Sketches New and Old. An extract from it, and from “A Strange Dream,” will be found in Appendix E.]—is filled with human wisdom and righteous anger. The “Strange Dream,” although it ends with a joke, is full of poetry. Webb's “advertisement” was written lightheartedly but had serious intentions, and he describes Mark Twain as a moralist—not as a shocking finding, but simply as a fact. The real discoveries came later, when the author's reputation as a humorist had captivated the world.

It is as well to say it here as anywhere, perhaps, that one reason why Mark Twain found it difficult to be accepted seriously was the fact that his personality was in itself so essentially humorous. His physiognomy, his manner of speech, this movement, his mental attitude toward events—all these were distinctly diverting. When we add to this that his medium of expression was nearly always full of the quaint phrasing and those surprising appositions which we recognize as amusing, it is not so astonishing that his deeper, wiser, more serious purpose should be overlooked. On the whole these unabated discoverers serve a purpose, if only to make the rest of their species look somewhat deeper than the comic phrase.

It’s worth mentioning that one reason Mark Twain had a hard time being taken seriously was that his personality was inherently humorous. His facial expressions, way of speaking, gestures, and outlook on events were all quite entertaining. Adding to this was his style of expression, which was often filled with quirky phrasing and surprising connections that we find funny, making it easy for people to overlook his deeper, more serious intentions. Overall, these relentless explorers serve a purpose, if only to encourage others to look beyond the comic surface.

The little blue-and-gold volume which presented the Frog story and twenty-six other sketches in covers is chiefly important to-day as being Mark Twain's first book. The selections in it were made for a public that had been too busy with a great war to learn discrimination, and most of them have properly found oblivion. Fewer than a dozen of them were included in his collected Sketches issued eight years later, and some even of those might have been spared; also some that were added, for that matter; but detailed literary criticism is not the province of this work. The reader may investigate and judge for himself.

The small blue-and-gold book that features the Frog story along with twenty-six other sketches is mainly significant today as Mark Twain's first book. The selections were chosen for an audience that had been too caught up in a major war to appreciate nuance, and most have rightfully faded into obscurity. Fewer than a dozen of these pieces made it into his collected Sketches published eight years later, and some of those could have been left out; there were also additional pieces that probably didn't need to be included. However, a detailed literary analysis isn't the focus of this work. Readers can explore and make their own judgments.

Clemens was pleased with the appearance of his book. To Bret Harte he wrote:

Clemens was happy with how his book turned out. He wrote to Bret Harte:

The book is out and it is handsome. It is full of damnable errors of grammar and deadly inconsistencies of spelling in the Frog sketch, because I was away and did not read proofs; but be a friend and say nothing about these things. When my hurry is over, I will send you a copy to pisen the children with.

The book is here and it looks great. It's packed with annoying grammar mistakes and terrible spelling inconsistencies in the Frog sketch since I was away and didn't proofread; but please be a friend and don't mention any of that. Once I have some time, I’ll send you a copy to entertain the kids with.

That he had no exaggerated opinion of the book's contents or prospects we may gather from his letter home:

That he didn't have an inflated view of the book's content or its chances for success is evident in his letter home:

As for the Frog book, I don't believe it will ever pay anything worth a cent. I published it simply to advertise myself, and not with the hope of making anything out of it.

As for the Frog book, I don’t think it will ever make any money. I published it just to promote myself, not expecting to profit from it.

He had grown more lenient in his opinion of the merits of the Frog story itself since it had made friends in high places, especially since James Russell Lowell had pronounced it “the finest piece of humorous writing yet produced in America”; but compared with his lecture triumph, and his prospective journey to foreign seas, his book venture, at best, claimed no more than a casual regard. A Sandwich Island book (he had collected his Union letters with the idea of a volume) he gave up altogether after one unsuccessful offer of it to Dick & Fitzgerald.

He had become more accepting of the Frog story's value since it had gained recognition from important people, particularly after James Russell Lowell called it “the finest piece of humorous writing yet produced in America.” However, compared to his successful lecture and his upcoming trip overseas, his book project barely held his interest. He completely abandoned his idea for a book about the Sandwich Islands (he had gathered his Union letters with the intention of creating a volume) after one unsuccessful pitch to Dick & Fitzgerald.

Frank Fuller's statement, that the fame had arrived, had in it some measure of truth. Lecture propositions came from various directions. Thomas Nast, then in the early day of his great popularity, proposed a joint tour, in which Clemens would lecture, while he, Nast, illustrated the remarks with lightning caricatures. But the time was too short; the Quaker City would sail on the 8th of June, and in the mean time the Alta correspondent was far behind with his New York letters. On May 29th he wrote:

Frank Fuller's statement that fame had arrived held some truth. Lecture proposals came from different places. Thomas Nast, who was in the early days of his big popularity, suggested a joint tour where Clemens would give lectures while he, Nast, would illustrate the remarks with quick caricatures. But there wasn't enough time; the Quaker City was set to sail on June 8th, and meanwhile, the Alta correspondent was significantly behind on his New York letters. On May 29th, he wrote:

I am 18 Alta letters behind, and I must catch up or bust. I have refused all invitations to lecture. Don't know how my book is coming on.

I’m 18 Alta letters behind, and I need to catch up or I’m done for. I’ve turned down all invitations to speak. I have no idea how my book is coming along.

He worked like a slave for a week or so, almost night and day, to clean up matters before his departure. Then came days of idleness and reaction-days of waiting, during which his natural restlessness and the old-time regret for things done and undone, beset him.

He worked tirelessly for about a week, nearly day and night, to sort everything out before he left. Then came days of inactivity and reflection - days of waiting, when his natural restlessness and old regrets about things he had done and left undone troubled him.

    My passage is paid, and if the ship sails I sail on her; but I make
    no calculations, have bought no cigars, no sea-going clothing—have
    made no preparations whatever—shall not pack my trunk till the
    morning we sail.

    All I do know or feel is that I am wild with impatience to move
    —move—move! Curse the endless delays! They always kill me—they
    make me neglect every duty, and then I have a conscience that tears
    me like a wild beast. I wish I never had to stop anywhere a month.
    I do more mean things the moment I get a chance to fold my hands and
    sit down than ever I get forgiveness for.

    Yes, we are to meet at Mr. Beach's next Thursday night, and I
    suppose we shall have to be gotten up regardless of expense, in
    swallow-tails, white kids and everything 'en regle'.

    I am resigned to Rev. Mr. Hutchinson's or anybody else's
    supervision. I don't mind it. I am fixed. I have got a splendid,
    immoral, tobacco-smoking, wine-drinking, godless roommate who is as
    good and true and right-minded a man as ever lived—a man whose
    blameless conduct and example will always be an eloquent sermon to
    all who shall come within their influence. But send on the
    professional preachers—there are none I like better to converse
    with; if they're not narrowminded and bigoted they make good
    companions.
My fare is covered, and if the ship sets sail, I’ll be on it; but I’m not making any plans, haven’t bought any cigars or travel clothes—haven’t prepared at all—I won’t pack my bags until the morning we leave.

All I know is that I’m crazy with impatience to go—go—go! Curse the endless delays! They always drive me crazy—they make me neglect all my responsibilities, and then my conscience tears me apart like a wild animal. I wish I never had to stay in one place for a whole month. I do the most petty things as soon as I get a chance to kick back and relax, more than I ever get forgiven for.

Yes, we’re meeting at Mr. Beach’s next Thursday night, and I guess we’ll have to dress up regardless of the cost, in tailcoats, white gloves, and everything proper.

I’m okay with Rev. Mr. Hutchinson or anyone else keeping an eye on me. I don’t mind. I’ve got an amazing, morally questionable, tobacco-smoking, wine-drinking, godless roommate who is one of the best and most decent guys you’ll ever meet—a guy whose impeccable conduct and example will always serve as a powerful lesson to those around him. But bring on the professional preachers—I enjoy chatting with them; as long as they’re not narrow-minded and bigoted, they make for great company.

The “splendid immoral room-mate” was Dan Slote—“Dan,” of The Innocents, a lovable character—all as set down. Samuel Clemens wrote one more letter to his mother and sister—a conscience-stricken, pessimistic letter of good-by written the night before sailing. Referring to the Alta letters he says:

The “amazing troublemaking roommate” was Dan Slote—“Dan,” of The Innocents, a lovable character—all as described. Samuel Clemens wrote one last letter to his mother and sister—a guilt-ridden, pessimistic farewell letter written the night before he set sail. Referring to the Alta letters, he says:

    I think they are the stupidest letters ever written from New York.
    Corresponding has been a perfect drag ever since I got to the
    States. If it continues abroad, I don't know what the Tribune and
    Alta folk will think.
    I think they are the dumbest letters ever written from New York.  
    Corresponding has been a total bore ever since I got to the  
    States. If it keeps going like this overseas, I don't know what the Tribune and Alta people will think.

He remembers Orion, who had been officially eliminated when Nevada had received statehood.

He remembers Orion, who was officially removed when Nevada became a state.

    I often wonder if his law business is going satisfactorily. I wish
    I had gone to Washington in the winter instead of going West. I
    could have gouged an office out of Bill Stewart for him, and that
    would have atoned for the loss of my home visit. But I am so
    worthless that it seems to me I never do anything or accomplish
    anything that lingers in my mind as a pleasant memory. My mind is
    stored full of unworthy conduct toward Orion and toward you all, and
    an accusing conscience gives me peace only in excitement and
    restless moving from place to place. If I could only say I had done
    one thing for any of you that entitled me to your good opinions (I
    say nothing of your love, for I am sure of that, no matter how
    unworthy of it I may make myself—from Orion down, you have always
    given me that; all the days of my life, when God Almighty knows I
    have seldom deserved it), I believe I could go home and stay there
    —and I know I would care little for the world's praise or blame.
    There is no satisfaction in the world's praise anyhow, and it has no
    worth to me save in the way of business. I tried to gather up its
    compliments to send you, but the work was distasteful and I dropped
    it.

    You observe that under a cheerful exterior I have got a spirit that
    is angry with me and gives me freely its contempt. I can get away
    from that at sea, and be tranquil and satisfied; and so, with my
    parting love and benediction for Orion and all of you, I say good-by
    and God bless you all-and welcome the wind that wafts a weary soul
    to the sunny lands of the Mediterranean!

                     Yrs. forever,
                                SAM
    I often wonder if his law practice is doing well. I wish I had gone to Washington in the winter instead of heading West. I could have secured an office from Bill Stewart for him, and that would have made up for missing my visit home. But I feel so useless that it seems like I never do anything or achieve anything that sticks in my mind as a good memory. My mind is filled with regrets about how I've treated Orion and all of you, and my guilty conscience only finds peace in excitement and constantly moving from place to place. If I could just say I had done one thing for any of you that earned your respect (not love, because I know I have that, no matter how unworthy I may seem—from Orion down, you have always given it to me; throughout my life, when God knows I haven’t often deserved it), I believe I could go home and stay there—and I know I wouldn’t care much about the world's praise or criticism. There’s no real satisfaction in the world’s praise anyway, and it only means something to me in a business sense. I tried to gather up its compliments to send to you, but the task was unpleasant, so I gave up.

    You can see that under a cheerful facade, I have a spirit that is angry with me and freely shows its contempt. I can escape that at sea and be calm and content; and so, with my lasting love and blessings for Orion and all of you, I say goodbye and God bless you all—and I welcome the wind that carries a weary soul to the sunny shores of the Mediterranean!

                     Yrs. forever,
                                SAM




LX. THE INNOCENTS AT SEA

       HOLY LAND PLEASURE EXCURSION

       Steamer: Quaker City.

       Captain C. C. Duncan.

       Left New York at 2 P.m., June 8, 1867.

       Rough weather—anchored within the harbor to lay all night.
       HOLY LAND PLEASURE EXCURSION

       Steamer: Quaker City.

       Captain C. C. Duncan.

       Departed New York at 2 P.M., June 8, 1867.

       Bad weather—anchored in the harbor to stay all night.

That first note recorded an event momentous in Mark Twain's career—an event of supreme importance; if we concede that any link in a chain regardless of size is of more importance than any other link. Undoubtedly it remains the most conspicuous event, as the world views it now, in retrospect.

That first note captured a significant moment in Mark Twain's career—an event of great importance; if we accept that any link in a chain, no matter its size, is as important as any other link. Without a doubt, it stands out as the most notable event, as the world sees it today, in hindsight.

The note further heads a new chapter of history in sea-voyaging. No such thing as the sailing of an ocean steamship with a pleasure-party on a long transatlantic cruise had ever occurred before. A similar project had been undertaken the previous year, but owing to a cholera scare in the East it had been abandoned. Now the dream had become a fact—a stupendous fact when we consider it. Such an important beginning as that now would in all likelihood furnish the chief news story of the day.

The note marks the start of a new era in sea travel. Never before had an ocean steamship set sail with a group of pleasure-seekers on a long transatlantic cruise. A similar plan was attempted the previous year, but it was scrapped due to a cholera scare in the East. Now, that dream has become a reality—a remarkable reality when you think about it. This significant beginning is likely to be the biggest news story of the day.

But they had different ideas of news in those days. There were no headlines announcing the departure of the Quaker City—only the barest mention of the ship's sailing, though a prominent position was given to an account of a senatorial excursion-party which set out that same morning over the Union Pacific Railway, then under construction. Every name in that political party was set dawn, and not one of them except General Hancock will ever be heard of again. The New York Times, however, had some one on its editorial staff who thought it worth while to comment a little on the history-making Quaker City excursion. The writer was pleasantly complimentary to officers and passengers. He referred to Moses S. Beach, of the Sun, who was taking with him type and press, whereby he would “skilfully utilize the brains of the company for their mutual edification.” Mr. Beecher and General Sherman would find talent enough aboard to make the hours go pleasantly (evidently the writer had not interested himself sufficiently to know that these gentlemen were not along), and the paragraph closed by prophesying other such excursions, and wishing the travelers “good speed, a happy voyage, and a safe return.”

But they had different ideas about the news back then. There weren’t any headlines announcing the departure of the Quaker City—just a brief mention of the ship sailing, while a detailed account of a senatorial excursion that set off that same morning over the Union Pacific Railway, which was under construction, took up a prominent spot. Every name in that political party was listed, and not one of them except General Hancock would ever be mentioned again. However, The New York Times had someone on its editorial team who thought it was worthwhile to comment a bit on the history-making Quaker City trip. The writer offered a pleasant compliment to the officers and passengers. He mentioned Moses S. Beach, from the Sun, who was bringing along type and press to “skillfully utilize the skills of the group for their mutual benefit.” Mr. Beecher and General Sherman would find plenty of talent on board to make the hours enjoyable (clearly, the writer hadn’t bothered to check that these gentlemen weren’t actually on the trip), and the paragraph ended by predicting more excursions like this, wishing the travelers “good speed, a happy voyage, and a safe return.”

That was handsome, especially for those days; only now, some fine day, when an airship shall start with a band of happy argonauts to land beyond the sunrise for the first time in history, we shall feature it and emblazon it with pictures in the Sunday papers, and weeklies, and in the magazines.—[The Quaker City idea was so unheard-of that in some of the foreign ports visited, the officials could not believe that the vessel was simply a pleasure-craft, and were suspicious of some dark, ulterior purpose.]

That was impressive, especially for those times; only now, one day in the future, when an airship sets off with a group of excited explorers to land beyond the sunrise for the first time in history, we will showcase it and highlight it with pictures in the Sunday papers, weekly magazines, and in the various publications.—[The Quaker City idea was so unusual that in some of the foreign ports visited, the officials couldn't believe that the vessel was just a pleasure yacht, and were suspicious of some hidden, ulterior motive.]

That Henry Ward Beecher and General Sherman had concluded not to go was a heavy disappointment at first; but it proved only a temporary disaster. The inevitable amalgamation of all ship companies took place. The sixty-seven travelers fell into congenial groups, or they mingled and devised amusements, and gossiped and became a big family, as happy and as free from contention as families of that size are likely to be.

That Henry Ward Beecher and General Sherman decided not to go was a big disappointment at first, but it turned out to be just a temporary setback. Eventually, all the shipping companies merged as expected. The sixty-seven travelers formed friendly groups, or they mixed together, came up with fun activities, chatted, and became like one big family, as happy and as free from conflict as families of that size usually are.

The Quaker City was a good enough ship and sizable for her time. She was registered eighteen hundred tons—about one-tenth the size of Mediterranean excursion-steamers today—and when conditions were favorable she could make ten knots an hour under steam—or, at least, she could do it with the help of her auxiliary sails. Altogether she was a cozy, satisfactory ship, and they were a fortunate company who had her all to themselves and went out on her on that long-ago ocean gipsying. She has grown since then, even to the proportions of the Mayflower. It was necessary for her to grow to hold all of those who in later times claimed to have sailed in her on that voyage with Mark Twain.—[The Quaker City passenger list will be found under Appendix F, at the end of last volume.]

The Quaker City was a decent ship and quite big for its time. It was registered at eighteen hundred tons—about one-tenth the size of today’s Mediterranean excursion steamers—and when the conditions were right, it could reach ten knots an hour under steam—or at least, it could do that with some help from its auxiliary sails. Overall, it was a comfortable, reliable ship, and those who had it to themselves for that long-ago ocean journey were lucky. Since then, it has grown, even to the size of the Mayflower. It needed to grow to accommodate all those who later claimed to have sailed with Mark Twain on that voyage.—[The Quaker City passenger list will be found under Appendix F, at the end of the last volume.]

They were not all ministers and deacons aboard the Quaker City. Clemens found other congenial spirits be sides his room-mate Dan Slote—among them the ship's surgeon, Dr. A. Reeve Jackson (the guide-destroying “Doctor” of The Innocents); Jack Van Nostrand, of New Jersey (“Jack”); Julius Moulton, of St. Louis (“Moult”), and other care-free fellows, the smoking-room crowd which is likely to make comradeship its chief watchword. There were companionable people in the cabin crowd also—fine, intelligent men and women, especially one of the latter, a middle-aged, intellectual, motherly soul—Mrs. A. W. Fairbanks, of Cleveland, Ohio. Mrs. Fairbanks—herself a newspaper correspondent for her husband's paper, the Cleveland Herald had a large influence on the character and general tone of those Quaker City letters which established Mark Twain's larger fame. She was an able writer herself; her judgment was thoughtful, refined, unbiased—altogether of a superior sort. She understood Samuel Clemens, counseled him, encouraged him to read his letters aloud to her, became in reality “Mother Fairbanks,” as they termed her, to him and to others of that ship who needed her kindly offices.

They weren't all ministers and deacons on the Quaker City. Clemens found other like-minded individuals besides his roommate Dan Slote—among them the ship's doctor, Dr. A. Reeve Jackson (the guide-destroying "Doctor" from The Innocents); Jack Van Nostrand from New Jersey ("Jack"); Julius Moulton from St. Louis ("Moult"); and other carefree guys from the smoking room who made friendship their main focus. There were also friendly people in the cabin crowd—smart and interesting men and women, especially one woman in particular, a middle-aged, intellectual, motherly figure—Mrs. A. W. Fairbanks from Cleveland, Ohio. Mrs. Fairbanks, a newspaper correspondent for her husband’s paper, the Cleveland Herald, had a significant impact on the character and overall tone of those Quaker City letters that helped establish Mark Twain's wider fame. She was a skilled writer herself; her judgment was thoughtful, refined, and unbiased—truly of a superior nature. She understood Samuel Clemens, advised him, and encouraged him to read his letters out loud to her. She became known as "Mother Fairbanks," as they called her, to him and to others on the ship who needed her supportive presence.

In one of his home letters, later, he said of her:

In one of his letters home, later on, he said about her:

    She was the most refined, intelligent, cultivated lady in the ship,
    and altogether the kindest and best. She sewed my buttons on, kept
    my clothing in presentable trim, fed me on Egyptian jam (when I
    behaved), lectured me awfully on the quarter-deck on moonlit
    promenading evenings, and cured me of several bad habits. I am
    under lasting obligations to her. She looks young because she is so
    good, but she has a grown son and daughter at home.
    She was the most sophisticated, smart, and cultured woman on the ship, and she was also the kindest and best. She sewed my buttons on, kept my clothes looking good, fed me Egyptian jam (when I acted right), gave me long lectures on the quarter-deck during moonlit walks in the evenings, and helped me break several bad habits. I owe her a lot. She looks young because she's so good, but she has an adult son and daughter at home.

In one of the early letters which Mrs. Fairbanks wrote to her paper she is scarcely less complimentary to him, even if in a different way.

In one of the early letters that Mrs. Fairbanks wrote to her paper, she is hardly less complimentary to him, even if it's in a different way.

    We have D.D.'s and M.D.'s—we have men of wisdom and men of wit.
    There is one table from which is sure to come a peal of laughter,
    and all eyes are turned toward Mark Twain, whose face is, perfectly
    mirth-provoking. Sitting lazily at the table, scarcely genteel in
    his appearance, there is something, I know not what, that interests
    and attracts. I saw to-day at dinner venerable divines and sage-
    looking men convulsed with laughter at his drolleries and quaint,
    odd manners.
    We have D.D.s and M.D.s—we have wise guys and jokesters. 
    There's one table where you're guaranteed to get a good laugh, 
    and all eyes are on Mark Twain, whose face is just begging for a laugh. 
    Loafing at the table, not exactly polished in his look, there's something, 
    I can't quite put my finger on, that draws people in. I saw today at 
    dinner old religious leaders and serious-looking men doubled over 
    with laughter at his funny antics and quirky ways.

It requires only a few days on shipboard for acquaintances to form, and presently a little afternoon group was gathering to hear Mark Twain read his letters. Mrs. Fairbanks was there, of course, also Mr. and Mrs. S. L. Severance, likewise of Cleveland, and Moses S. Beach, of the Sun, with his daughter Emma, a girl of seventeen. Dan Slote was likely to be there, too, and Jack, and the Doctor, and Charles J. Langdon, of Elmira, New York, a boy of eighteen, who had conceived a deep admiration for the brilliant writer. They were fortunate ones who first gathered to hear those daring, wonderful letters.

It only takes a few days on board for people to become friends, and soon a little afternoon group was getting together to listen to Mark Twain read his letters. Mrs. Fairbanks was there, of course, along with Mr. and Mrs. S. L. Severance, also from Cleveland, and Moses S. Beach from the Sun, with his seventeen-year-old daughter, Emma. Dan Slote was probably going to show up too, along with Jack, the Doctor, and Charles J. Langdon from Elmira, New York, an eighteen-year-old who had developed a strong admiration for the talented writer. They were the lucky ones who gathered first to hear those bold, amazing letters.

But the benefit was a mutual one. He furnished a priceless entertainment, and he derived something equally priceless in return—the test of immediate audience and the boon of criticism. Mrs. Fairbanks especially was frankly sincere. Mr. Severance wrote afterward:

But the benefit was one that both sides enjoyed. He provided priceless entertainment, and in return, he gained something just as valuable—the chance to see how the audience reacted and the benefit of their feedback. Mrs. Fairbanks, in particular, was completely honest. Mr. Severance wrote afterward:

    One afternoon I saw him tearing up a bunch of the soft, white paper-
    copy paper, I guess the newspapers call it-on which he had written
    something, and throwing the fragments into the Mediterranean. I
    inquired of him why he cast away the fruits of his labors in that
    manner.
    One afternoon, I saw him ripping up a bunch of soft, white paper—what I think the newspapers call copy paper—on which he had written something and tossing the pieces into the Mediterranean. I asked him why he was throwing away the results of his work like that.

“Well,” he drawled, “Mrs. Fairbanks thinks it oughtn't to be printed, and, like as not, she is right.”

“Well,” he said slowly, “Mrs. Fairbanks thinks it shouldn't be published, and she’s probably right.”

And Emma Beach (Mrs. Abbott Thayer) remembers hearing him say:

And Emma Beach (Mrs. Abbott Thayer) remembers hearing him say:

“Well, Mrs. Fairbanks has just destroyed another four hours' work for me.”

“Well, Mrs. Fairbanks just ruined another four hours of my work.”

Sometimes he played chess with Emma Beach, who thought him a great hero because, once when a crowd of men were tormenting a young lad, a passenger, Mark Twain took the boy's part and made them desist.

Sometimes he played chess with Emma Beach, who considered him a great hero because, once when a group of men were harassing a young boy, a passenger, Mark Twain stood up for the boy and made them stop.

“I am sure I was right, too,” she declares; “heroism came natural to him.”

“I’m sure I was right, too,” she says; “heroism came naturally to him.”

Mr. Severance recalls another incident which, as he says, was trivial enough, but not easy to forget:

Mr. Severance remembers another incident that he describes as minor, but it's hard to forget:

We were having a little celebration over the birthday anniversary of Mrs. Duncan, wife of our captain. Mark Twain got up and made a little speech, in which he said Mrs. Duncan was really older than Methuselah because she knew a lot of things that Methuselah never heard of. Then he mentioned a number of more or less modern inventions, and wound up by saying, “What did Methuselah know about a barbed-wire fence?”

We were having a small celebration for Mrs. Duncan's birthday, the captain's wife. Mark Twain stood up and gave a brief speech, saying Mrs. Duncan was actually older than Methuselah because she knew things that Methuselah never heard of. He then mentioned several more or less modern inventions and concluded by saying, “What did Methuselah know about a barbed-wire fence?”

Except Following the Equator, The Innocents Abroad comes nearer to being history than any other of Mark Twain's travel-books. The notes for it were made on the spot, and there was plenty of fact, plenty of fresh, new experience, plenty of incident to set down. His idea of descriptive travel in those days was to tell the story as it happened; also, perhaps, he had not then acquired the courage of his inventions. We may believe that the adventures with Jack, Dan, and the Doctor are elaborated here and there; but even those happened substantially as recorded. There is little to add, then, to the story of that halcyon trip, and not much to elucidate.

Except for Following the Equator, The Innocents Abroad is the closest to being a historical account among Mark Twain's travel books. The notes for it were taken on location, and there was a lot of fact, a lot of fresh, new experiences, and plenty of incidents to document. His approach to descriptive travel back then was to narrate events as they unfolded; perhaps he hadn't yet developed the boldness to invent. We may assume that the adventures with Jack, Dan, and the Doctor are embellished here and there, but those events largely occurred as described. There’s not much more to add to the story of that idyllic journey, and not much to clarify.

The old note-books give a light here and there that is interesting. It is curious to be looking through them now, trying to realize that these penciled memoranda were the fresh, first impressions that would presently grow into the world's most delightful book of travel; that they were set down in the very midst of that care-free little company that frolicked through Italy, climbed wearily the arid Syrian hills. They are all dead now; but to us they are as alive and young to-day as when they followed the footprints of the Son of Man through Palestine, and stood at last before the Sphinx, impressed and awed by its “five thousand slow-revolving years.”

The old notebooks shine a light here and there that's interesting. It's fascinating to look through them now, trying to grasp that these handwritten notes were the fresh, first impressions that would soon transform into the world's most delightful travel book; that they were written in the middle of that carefree little group that playfully explored Italy and climbed the dry Syrian hills. They are all gone now; yet, to us, they feel just as alive and youthful today as when they followed in the footsteps of the Son of Man through Palestine and ultimately stood in front of the Sphinx, moved and awed by its “five thousand slow-revolving years.”

Some of the items consist of no more than a few terse, suggestive words—serious, humorous, sometimes profane. Others are statistical, descriptive, elaborated. Also there are drawings—“not copied,” he marks them, with a pride not always justified by the result. The earlier notes are mainly comments on the “pilgrims,” the freak pilgrims: “the Frenchy-looking woman who owns a dog and keeps up an interminable biography of him to the passengers”; the “long-legged, simple, wide-mouthed, horse-laughing young fellow who once made a sea voyage to Fortress Monroe, and quotes eternally from his experiences”; also, there is reference to another young man, “good, accommodating, pleasant but fearfully green.” This young person would become the “Interrogation Point,” in due time, and have his picture on page 71 (old edition), while opposite him, on page 70, would appear the “oracle," identified as one Doctor Andrews, who (the note-book says) had the habit of “smelling in guide-books for knowledge and then trying to play it for old information that has been festering in his brain.” Sometimes there are abstract notes such as:

Some of the entries are just a few brief, suggestive words—serious, funny, and sometimes rude. Others are statistical, descriptive, and more detailed. There are also drawings—“not copied,” he notes, with a pride that isn't always warranted by the outcome. The earlier notes mostly comment on the “pilgrims,” the eccentric pilgrims: “the French-looking woman who owns a dog and endlessly shares his biography with the passengers”; the “tall, simple, wide-mouthed, loud-laughing young guy who once took a sea trip to Fortress Monroe and constantly quotes from that experience”; plus, there's mention of another young man, “nice, accommodating, pleasant but really naive.” This young man would eventually become the “Interrogation Point” and have his picture on page 71 (old edition), while across from him, on page 70, would be the “oracle," referred to as Doctor Andrews, who (according to the notebook) had a habit of “searching in guidebooks for knowledge and then trying to pass it off as old information that’s been sitting in his head.” Sometimes there are abstract notes like:

How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing that no one had ever said it before.

How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said something great that no one had ever said it before.

Of the “character” notes, the most important and elaborated is that which presents the “Poet Lariat.” This is the entry, somewhat epitomized:

Of the "character" notes, the most important and detailed is the one that presents the "Poet Lariat." This is the entry, somewhat summarized:

                  BLOODGOOD H. CUTTER

    He is fifty years old, and small of his age. He dresses in
    homespun, and is a simple-minded, honest, old-fashioned farmer, with
    a strange proclivity for writing rhymes. He writes them on all
    possible subjects, and gets them printed on slips of paper, with his
    portrait at the head. These he will give to any man who comes
    along, whether he has anything against him or not....

    Dan said:

    “It must be a great happiness to you to sit down at the close of day
    and put its events all down in rhymes and poetry, like Byron and
    Shakespeare and those fellows.”

    “Oh yes, it is—it is—Why, many's the time I've had to get up in
    the night when it comes on me:

       Whether we're on the sea or the land
       We've all got to go at the word of command—

    “Hey! how's that?”
 
                  BLOODGOOD H. CUTTER

    He’s fifty years old and small for his age. He wears homespun clothes and is a simple-minded, honest, old-fashioned farmer with a peculiar habit of writing rhymes. He writes them on all sorts of topics and has them printed on slips of paper with his portrait at the top. He gives these out to anyone who passes by, whether he likes them or not....

    Dan said:

    “It must be really nice for you to sit down at the end of the day and turn everything that happened into rhymes and poetry, like Byron and Shakespeare and those guys.”

    “Oh yes, it is—it is—Why, there have been many times I’ve had to get up in the night when inspiration hits me:

       Whether we're on the sea or the land
       We've all got to go at the word of command— 

    “Hey! How’s that?”

A curious character was Cutter—a Long Island farmer with the obsession of rhyme. In his old age, in an interview, he said:

A curious character was Cutter—a Long Island farmer with an obsession for rhyme. In his old age, during an interview, he said:

“Mark was generally writing and he was glum. He would write what we were doing, and I would write poetry, and Mark would say:

“Mark was usually writing, and he was down. He would write about what we were doing, and I would write poetry, and Mark would say:

“'For Heaven's sake, Cutter, keep your poems to yourself.'

"'For goodness' sake, Cutter, keep your poems to yourself.'"

“Yes, Mark was pretty glum, and he was generally writing.”

“Yes, Mark was feeling pretty down, and he was usually writing.”

Poor old Poet Lariat—dead now with so many others of that happy crew. We may believe that Mark learned to be “glum” when he saw the Lariat approaching with his sheaf of rhymes. We may believe, too, that he was “generally writing.” He contributed fifty-three letters to the Alta during that five months and six to the Tribune. They would average about two columns nonpareil each, which is to say four thousand words, or something like two hundred and fifty thousand words in all. To turn out an average of fifteen hundred words a day, with continuous sight-seeing besides, one must be generally writing during any odd intervals; those who are wont to regard Mark Twain as lazy may consider these statistics. That he detested manual labor is true enough, but at the work for which he was fitted and intended it may be set down here upon authority (and despite his own frequent assertions to the contrary) that to his last year he was the most industrious of men.

Poor old Poet Lariat—now gone like so many others from that happy group. We might think that Mark became “glum” when he saw Lariat coming with his stack of poems. We can also believe that he was “generally writing.” He sent fifty-three letters to the Alta during those five months and six to the Tribune. They would each average about two columns of text, which means four thousand words, or around two hundred fifty thousand words in total. To produce an average of fifteen hundred words a day, while also sightseeing, you have to be writing in every spare moment; those who usually view Mark Twain as lazy might want to think about these numbers. While it's true that he hated manual labor, it's also true (contrary to his own claims) that he was, until his last year, one of the hardest-working people around.





LXI. THE INNOCENTS ABROAD

It was Dan, Jack, and the Doctor who with Mark Twain wandered down through Italy and left moral footprints that remain to this day. The Italian guides are wary about showing pieces of the True Cross, fragments of the Crown of Thorns, and the bones of saints since then. They show them, it is true, but with a smile; the name of Mark Twain is a touch-stone to test their statements. Not a guide in Italy but has heard the tale of that iconoclastic crew, and of the book which turned their marvels into myths, their relics into bywords.

It was Dan, Jack, and the Doctor who, along with Mark Twain, traveled through Italy and left behind moral footprints that last to this day. The Italian guides are cautious about showing pieces of the True Cross, fragments of the Crown of Thorns, and the bones of saints since then. They do show them, it’s true, but with a smile; the name of Mark Twain is a touchstone to validate their claims. Every guide in Italy has heard the story of that unconventional group and the book that transformed their wonders into myths and their relics into clichés.

It was Doctor Jackson, Colonel Denny, Doctor Birch, and Samuel Clemens who evaded the quarantine and made the perilous night trip to Athens and looked upon the Parthenon and the sleeping city by moonlight. It is all set down in the notes, and the account varies little from that given in the book; only he does not tell us that Captain Duncan and the quartermaster, Pratt, connived at the escapade, or how the latter watched the shore in anxious suspense until he heard the whistle which was their signal to be taken aboard. It would have meant six months' imprisonment if they had been captured, for there was no discretion in the Greek law.

It was Dr. Jackson, Colonel Denny, Dr. Birch, and Samuel Clemens who avoided the quarantine and took the dangerous night trip to Athens, where they viewed the Parthenon and the sleeping city under the moonlight. It's all documented in the notes, and the account differs little from what's written in the book; he just doesn't mention that Captain Duncan and the quartermaster, Pratt, were in on the plan or how Pratt anxiously watched the shore until he heard the whistle, which was their signal to be picked up. Being caught would have meant six months in prison, as there was no leniency in Greek law.

It was T. D. Crocker, A. N. Sanford, Col. Peter Kinney, and William Gibson who were delegated to draft the address to the Emperor of Russia at Yalta, with Samuel L. Clemens as chairman of that committee. The chairman wrote the address, the opening sentence of which he grew so weary of hearing:

It was T. D. Crocker, A. N. Sanford, Col. Peter Kinney, and William Gibson who were assigned to write the address to the Emperor of Russia at Yalta, with Samuel L. Clemens as the committee's chairman. The chairman wrote the address, and he became so tired of hearing the opening sentence:

    We are a handful of private citizens of America, traveling simply
    for recreation, and unostentatiously, as becomes our unofficial
    state.
    We are just a few private citizens of America, traveling casually for fun, and modestly, as fits our unofficial status.

The address is all set down in the notes, and there also exists the first rough draft, with the emendations in his own hand. He deplores the time it required:

The address is all noted down, and there's also the first rough draft, with the edits in his own handwriting. He regrets how much time it took:

    That job is over. Writing addresses to emperors is not my strong
    suit. However, if it is not as good as it might be it doesn't
    signify—the other committeemen ought to have helped me write it;
    they had nothing to do, and I had my hands full. But for bothering
    with this I would have caught up entirely with my New York Tribune
    correspondence and nearly up with the San Francisco.
    That job is done. Writing addresses to emperors isn't my thing. But even if it's not as good as it could be, it doesn't matter—the other committee members should have helped me write it; they had nothing going on, and I was busy. If it weren't for dealing with this, I would have completely caught up with my New York Tribune correspondence and almost finished with the San Francisco stuff.

They wanted him also to read the address to the Emperor, but he pointed out that the American consul was the proper person for that office. He tells how the address was presented:

They also wanted him to read the address to the Emperor, but he pointed out that the American consul was the right person for that job. He describes how the address was presented:

August 26th. The Imperial carriages were in waiting at eleven, and at twelve we were at the palace....

August 26th. The Imperial carriages were ready at eleven, and by noon we arrived at the palace....

The Consul for Odessa read the address and the Czar said frequently, “Good—very good; indeed”—and at the close, “I am very, very grateful.”

The Consul for Odessa read the address and the Czar kept saying, “Good—very good; indeed”—and at the end, “I am very, very grateful.”

It was not improper for him to set down all this, and much more, in his own note-book—not then for publication. It was in fact a very proper record—for today.

It wasn't wrong for him to write all this, and even more, in his own notebook—not for publishing at that time. It was actually a very appropriate record—for today.

One incident of the imperial audience Mark Twain omitted from his book, perhaps because the humor of it had not yet become sufficiently evident. “The humorous perception of a thing is a pretty slow growth sometimes,” he once remarked. It was about seventeen years before he could laugh enjoyably at a slight mistake he made at the Emperor's reception. He set down a memorandum of it, then, for fear it might be lost:

One incident from the imperial audience that Mark Twain left out of his book, maybe because the humor of it hadn’t fully come to light yet. “Understanding the humor in something can take a while,” he once said. It took him about seventeen years before he could genuinely laugh about a small mistake he made during the Emperor's reception. He wrote a note about it then, just in case it got forgotten:

    There were a number of great dignitaries of the Empire there, and
    although, as a general thing, they were dressed in citizen's
    clothing, I observed that the most of them wore a very small piece
    of ribbon in the lapels of their coats. That little touch of color
    struck my fancy, and it seemed to me a good idea to add it to my own
    attractions; not imagining that it had any special significance. So
    I stepped aside, hunted up a bit of red ribbon, and ornamented my
    lapel with it. Presently, Count Festetics, the Grand Master of
    ceremonies, and the only man there who was gorgeously arrayed, in
    full official costume, began to show me a great many attentions. He
    was particularly polite, and pleasant, and anxious to be of service
    to me. Presently, he asked me what order of nobility I belonged to?
    I said, “I didn't belong to any.” Then he asked me what order of
    knighthood I belonged to? I said, “None.” Then he asked me what
    the red ribbon in my buttonhole stood for? I saw, at once, what an
    ass I had been making of myself, and was accordingly confused and
    embarrassed. I said the first thing that came into my mind, and
    that was that the ribbon was merely the symbol of a club of
    journalists to which I belonged, and I was not pursued with any more
    of Count Festetic's attentions.

    Later, I got on very familiar terms with an old gentleman, whom I
    took to be the head gardener, and walked him all about the gardens,
    slipping my arm into his without invitation, yet without demur on
    his part, and by and by was confused again when I found that he was
    not a gardener at all, but the Lord High Admiral of Russia! I
    almost made up my mind that I would never call on an Emperor again.
    There were a number of important dignitaries from the Empire present, and even though they were generally dressed in regular clothes, I noticed that most of them had a small piece of ribbon pinned to the lapels of their coats. That little splash of color caught my interest, and I thought it would be a nice touch to add it to my own outfit, not realizing it had any special significance. So I stepped aside, found a piece of red ribbon, and pinned it to my lapel. Soon after, Count Festetics, the Grand Master of Ceremonies and the only one there in a full official uniform, started paying me a lot of attention. He was especially polite and friendly, eager to help me. Eventually, he asked me which order of nobility I belonged to. I said, “I don’t belong to any.” Then he asked me which order of knighthood I was part of. I replied, “None.” Then he wanted to know what the red ribbon in my buttonhole represented. I suddenly realized how foolish I had been and felt embarrassed. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, which was that the ribbon was just a symbol of a club of journalists I belonged to, and I wasn’t bothered by any more of Count Festetic's attention.

    Later, I got pretty friendly with an older gentleman, who I assumed was the head gardener, and walked him around the gardens, slipping my arm into his without invitation but he didn’t seem to mind. I was confused again when I found out he wasn’t a gardener at all but the Lord High Admiral of Russia! I nearly decided that I would never visit an Emperor again.

Like all Mediterranean excursionists, those first pilgrims were insatiable collectors of curios, costumes, and all manner of outlandish things. Dan Slote had the stateroom hung and piled with such gleanings. At Constantinople his room-mate writes:

Like all Mediterranean travelers, those first pilgrims were eager collectors of curiosities, costumes, and all kinds of unusual items. Dan Slote had his stateroom decorated and filled with such treasures. In Constantinople, his roommate writes:

    I thought Dan had got the state-room pretty full of rubbish at last,
    but awhile ago his dragoman arrived with a brand-new ghastly
    tombstone of the Oriental pattern, with his name handsomely carved
    and gilted on it in Turkish characters. That fellow will buy a
    Circassian slave next.
I thought Dan had finally filled the state room with a bunch of junk, but a little while ago his tour guide showed up with a brand-new, creepy tombstone in the Oriental style, featuring his name beautifully carved and gold-leafed in Turkish characters. That guy will probably buy a Circassian slave next.

It was Church, Denny, Jack, Davis, Dan, Moult, and Mark Twain who made the “long trip” through Syria from Beirut to Jerusalem with their elaborate camping outfit and decrepit nags “Jericho,” “Baalbec,” and the rest. It was better camping than that Humboldt journey of six years before, though the horses were not so dissimilar, and altogether it was a hard, nerve-racking experience, climbing the arid hills of Palestine in that torrid summer heat. Nobody makes that trip in summer-time now. Tourists hurry out of Syria before the first of April, and they do not go back before November. One brief quotation from Mark Twain's book gives us an idea of what that early party of pilgrims had to undergo:

It was Church, Denny, Jack, Davis, Dan, Moult, and Mark Twain who took the “long trip” through Syria from Beirut to Jerusalem with their fancy camping gear and worn-out horses “Jericho,” “Baalbec,” and the others. It was better camping than that Humboldt trip six years earlier, even though the horses weren’t much different, and overall it was a tough, nerve-wracking experience climbing the dry hills of Palestine in that scorching summer heat. Nobody makes that trip in the summer anymore. Tourists rush out of Syria before April starts, and they don’t come back until November. A brief quote from Mark Twain's book gives us an idea of what that early group of travelers had to deal with:

    We left Damascus at noon and rode across the plain a couple of
    hours, and then the party stopped a while in the shade of some fig-
    trees to give me a chance to rest. It was the hottest day we had
    seen yet—the sun-flames shot down like the shafts of fire that
    stream out before a blow-pipe; the rays seemed to fall in a deluge
    on the head and pass downward like rain from a roof. I imagined I
    could distinguish between the floods of rays. I thought I could
    tell when each flood struck my head, when it reached my shoulders,
    and when the next one came. It was terrible.
    We left Damascus at noon and rode across the plain for a couple of hours, then the group took a break in the shade of some fig trees to give me a chance to rest. It was the hottest day we had experienced so far—the sun’s flames shot down like fiery arrows from a blowpipe; the rays seemed to fall like a downpour on my head and cascade downward like rain from a roof. I thought I could actually distinguish between the waves of rays. I felt I could tell when each wave hit my head, when it reached my shoulders, and when the next one came. It was unbearable.

He had been ill with cholera at Damascus, a light attack; but any attack of that dread disease is serious enough. He tells of this in the book, but he does not mention, either in the book or in his notes, the attack which Dan Slote had some days later. It remained for William F. Church, of the party, to relate that incident, for it was the kind of thing that Mark Twain was not likely to record, or even to remember. Doctor Church was a deacon with orthodox views and did not approve of Mark Twain; he thought him sinful, irreverent, profane.

He had a mild case of cholera while in Damascus, but any case of that terrible disease is serious. He shares this in the book, but he doesn't mention the episode that Dan Slote experienced a few days later. It was left to William F. Church, who was part of the group, to recount that event because it was the sort of thing Mark Twain probably wouldn't think to write down or even recall. Doctor Church was a deacon with traditional beliefs and disapproved of Mark Twain; he considered him sinful, disrespectful, and vulgar.

“He was the worst man I ever knew,” Church said; then he added, “And the best.”

“He was the worst person I ever knew,” Church said; then he added, “And the best.”

What happened was this: At the end of a terrible day of heat, when the party had camped on the edge of a squalid Syrian village, Dan was taken suddenly ill. It was cholera, beyond doubt. Dan could not go on—he might never go on. The chances were that way. It was a serious matter all around. To wait with Dan meant to upset their travel schedule—it might mean to miss the ship. Consultation was held and a resolution passed (the pilgrims were always passing resolutions) to provide for Dan as well as possible, and leave him behind. Clemens, who had remained with Dan, suddenly appeared and said:

What happened was this: At the end of a sweltering day, when the group had set up camp on the outskirts of a rundown Syrian village, Dan fell suddenly ill. It was definitely cholera. Dan couldn’t continue—he might never be able to. The odds were stacked against him. It was a serious situation for everyone involved. Waiting for Dan would throw off their travel plans—it could even make them miss the ship. They held a discussion and passed a resolution (the travelers frequently passed resolutions) to take care of Dan as best as they could and leave him behind. Clemens, who had stayed behind with Dan, suddenly appeared and said:

“Gentlemen, I understand that you are going to leave Dan Slote here alone. I'll be d—-d if I do!”

“Guys, I get that you’re planning to leave Dan Slote here all by himself. There’s no way I’m doing that!”

And he didn't. He stayed there and brought Dan into Jerusalem, a few days late, but convalescent.

And he didn't. He stayed there and brought Dan into Jerusalem, a few days late, but recovering.

Perhaps most of them were not always reverent during that Holy Land trip. It was a trying journey, and after fierce days of desert hills the reaction might not always spare even the holiest memories. Jack was particularly sinful. When they learned the price for a boat on Galilee, and the deacons who had traveled nearly half around the world to sail on that sacred water were confounded by the charge, Jack said:

Perhaps most of them weren't always respectful during that trip to the Holy Land. It was a tough journey, and after exhausting days in the desert hills, their responses might not always honor even the most sacred memories. Jack was especially reckless. When they found out the cost for a boat on Galilee, and the deacons who had come from almost halfway around the world to sail on that holy water were shocked by the price, Jack said:

“Well, Denny, do you wonder now that Christ walked?”

“Well, Denny, do you still wonder that Christ walked?”

It was the irreverent Jack who one morning (they had camped the night before by the ruins of Jericho) refused to get up to see the sun rise across the Jordan. Deacon Church went to his tent.

It was the cheeky Jack who one morning (they had camped the night before by the ruins of Jericho) refused to get up to watch the sunrise over the Jordan. Deacon Church went to his tent.

“Jack, my boy, get up. Here is the place where the Israelites crossed over into the Promised Land, and beyond are the mountains of Moab, where Moses lies buried.”

“Jack, get up. This is where the Israelites crossed into the Promised Land, and beyond are the Moab mountains, where Moses is buried.”

“Moses who!” said Jack.

"Moses who?" said Jack.

“Oh, Jack, my boy, Moses, the great lawgiver—who led the Israelites out of Egypt-forty years through the wilderness—to the Promised Land.”

“Oh, Jack, my boy, Moses, the great lawgiver—who led the Israelites out of Egypt for forty years through the wilderness to the Promised Land.”

“Forty years!” said Jack. “How far was it?”

“Forty years!” Jack said. “How far was that?”

“It was three hundred miles, Jack; a great wilderness, and he brought them through in safety.”

“It was three hundred miles, Jack; a vast wilderness, and he got them through safely.”

Jack regarded him with scorn. “Huh, Moses—three hundred miles forty years—why, Ben Holiday would have brought them through in thirty-six hours!”—[Ben Holiday, owner of the Overland stages, and a man of great executive ability. This incident, a true one, is more elaborately told in Roughing It, but it seems pertinent here.]

Jack looked at him with disdain. “Huh, Moses—three hundred miles in forty years—Ben Holiday would have gotten them through in thirty-six hours!”—[Ben Holiday, owner of the Overland stages, and a person with exceptional leadership skills. This incident, which actually happened, is discussed in more detail in Roughing It, but it feels relevant here.]

Jack probably learned more about the Bible during that trip-its history and its heroes-than during all his former years. Nor was Jack the only one of that group thus benefited. The sacred landmarks of Palestine inspire a burning interest in the Scriptures, and Mark Twain probably did not now regret those early Sunday-school lessons; certainly he did not fail to review them exhaustively on that journey. His note-books fairly overflow with Bible references; the Syrian chapters in The Innocents Abroad are permeated with the poetry and legendary beauty of the Bible story. The little Bible he carried on that trip, bought in Constantinople, was well worn by the time they reached the ship again at Jaffa. He must have read it with a large and persistent interest; also with a double benefit. For, besides the knowledge acquired, he was harvesting a profit—probably unsuspected at the time—-viz., the influence of the most direct and beautiful English—the English of the King James version—which could not fail to affect his own literary method at that impressionable age. We have already noted his earlier admiration for that noble and simple poem, “The Burial of Moses,” which in the Palestine note-book is copied in full. All the tendency of his expression lay that way, and the intense consideration of stately Bible phrase and imagery could hardly fail to influence his mental processes. The very distinct difference of style, as shown in The Innocents Abroad and in his earlier writings, we may believe was in no small measure due to his study of the King James version during those weeks in Palestine.

Jack probably learned more about the Bible on that trip—its history and its heroes—than in all his previous years. He wasn’t the only one in that group who benefited. The sacred sites in Palestine sparked a deep interest in the Scriptures, and Mark Twain likely didn’t regret those early Sunday-school lessons; he definitely revisited them thoroughly on that journey. His notebooks were filled with Bible references; the Syrian chapters in The Innocents Abroad are infused with the poetry and legendary beauty of the Bible narrative. The small Bible he carried, which he bought in Constantinople, was well worn by the time they got back to the ship in Jaffa. He must have read it with great and constant interest, gaining a double benefit. Besides acquiring knowledge, he was also reaping an advantage—probably unnoticed at the time—namely, the impact of the most direct and beautiful English—the English of the King James version—which undoubtedly influenced his own writing style at that impressionable age. We've already noted his earlier admiration for that noble and simple poem, “The Burial of Moses,” which he copied in full in his Palestine notebook. All the tendencies in his expression pointed that way, and the careful consideration of grand Bible phrases and imagery surely influenced his thought processes. The noticeable difference in style between The Innocents Abroad and his earlier works was likely due in no small part to his study of the King James version during those weeks in Palestine.

He bought another Bible at Jerusalem; but it was not for himself. It was a little souvenir volume bound in olive and balsam wood, and on the fly-leaf is inscribed:

He bought another Bible in Jerusalem, but it wasn’t for himself. It was a small souvenir edition bound in olive and balsam wood, and on the fly-leaf is inscribed:

    Mrs. Jane Clemens from her son. Jerusalem, Sept. 24, 1867.
Mrs. Jane Clemens from her son. Jerusalem, Sept. 24, 1867.

There is one more circumstance of that long cruise-recorded neither in the book nor the notes—an incident brief, but of more importance in the life of Samuel Clemens than any heretofore set down. It occurred in the beautiful Bay of Smyrna, on the fifth or sixth of September, while the vessel lay there for the Ephesus trip.

There’s one more event from that long cruise that isn’t noted in the book or the notes— a short incident, but it was more significant in Samuel Clemens's life than anything mentioned so far. It happened in the beautiful Bay of Smyrna, on the fifth or sixth of September, while the ship was docked there for the Ephesus trip.

Reference has been made to young Charles Langdon, of Elmira (the “Charley” once mentioned in the Innocents), as an admirer of Mark Twain. There was a good deal of difference in their ages, and they were seldom of the same party; but sometimes the boy invited the journalist to his cabin and, boy-like, exhibited his treasures. He had two sisters at home; and of Olivia, the youngest, he had brought a dainty miniature done on ivory in delicate tints—a sweet-pictured countenance, fine and spiritual. On that fateful day in the day of Smyrna, Samuel Clemens, visiting in young Langdon's cabin, was shown this portrait. He looked at it with long admiration, and spoke of it reverently, for the delicate face seemed to him to be something more than a mere human likeness. Each time he came, after that, he asked to see the picture, and once even begged to be allowed to take it away with him. The boy would not agree to this, and the elder man looked long and steadily at the miniature, resolving in his mind that some day he would meet the owner of that lovely face—a purpose for once in accord with that which the fates had arranged for him, in the day when all things were arranged, the day of the first beginning.

Reference has been made to young Charles Langdon from Elmira (the “Charley” mentioned in the Innocents) as a fan of Mark Twain. There was quite an age gap between them, and they were rarely in the same social circles; however, sometimes the boy would invite the writer to his cabin and, being a typical boy, would show off his prized possessions. He had two sisters at home, and from Olivia, the youngest, he had brought a charming miniature painted on ivory in soft colors—a beautifully depicted face, delicate and ethereal. On that fateful day in Smyrna, Samuel Clemens, visiting young Langdon's cabin, was shown this portrait. He admired it for a long time and spoke of it with reverence, as the gentle face seemed to him to be more than just a human likeness. Each time he visited afterward, he asked to see the picture, and once even pleaded to take it with him. The boy wouldn’t agree to this, and the older man gazed long and steadily at the miniature, promising himself that someday he would meet the owner of that beautiful face—a goal that, for once, aligned with what fate had in store for him on that day when everything began.





LXII. THE RETURN OF THE PILGRIMS

The last note-book entry bears date of October 11th:

    At sea, somewhere in the neighborhood of Malta. Very stormy.

    Terrible death to be talked to death. The storm has blown two small
    land birds and a hawk to sea and they came on board. Sea full of
    flying-fish.
    At sea, somewhere near Malta. Very stormy.

    It's a terrible way to die, having a conversation until death. The storm has blown two small land birds and a hawk out to sea, and they ended up on board. The sea is full of flying fish.

That is all. There is no record of the week's travel in Spain, which a little group of four made under the picturesque Gibraltar guide, Benunes, still living and quite as picturesque at last accounts. This side-trip is covered in a single brief paragraph in the Innocents, and the only account we have of it is in a home letter, from Cadiz, of October 24th:

That’s it. There’s no record of the week’s trip in Spain that four of us took with the charming Gibraltar guide, Benunes, who is still alive and just as charming, according to the latest news. This side trip is briefly mentioned in the Innocents, and the only information we have about it is in a letter from home, written from Cadiz on October 24th:

    We left Gibraltar at noon and rode to Algeciras (4 hours), thus
    dodging the quarantine—took dinner, and then rode horseback all
    night in a swinging trot, and at daylight took a caleche (a-wheeled
    vehicle), and rode 5 hours—then took cars and traveled till twelve
    at night. That landed us at Seville, and we were over the hard part
    of our trip and somewhat tired. Since then we have taken things
    comparatively easy, drifting around from one town to another and
    attracting a good deal of attention—for I guess strangers do not
    wander through Andalusia and the other southern provinces of Spain
    often. The country is precisely what it was when Don Quixote and
    Sancho Panza were possible characters.

    But I see now what the glory of Spain must have been when it was
    under Moorish domination. No, I will not say that—but then when
    one is carried away, infatuated, entranced, with the wonders of the
    Alhambra and the supernatural beauty of the Alcazar, he is apt to
    overflow with admiration for the splendid intellects that created
    them.
    We left Gibraltar at noon and rode to Algeciras (4 hours), managing to avoid the quarantine—had dinner, and then rode horseback all night at a steady trot. At dawn, we took a caleche (a wheeled vehicle) and rode for 5 hours—then got on trains and traveled until midnight. That brought us to Seville, and we were over the toughest part of our trip and a bit tired. Since then, we've been taking it easy, moving from one town to another and attracting quite a bit of attention—since I guess not many strangers wander through Andalusia and the other southern provinces of Spain. The countryside is exactly as it was when Don Quixote and Sancho Panza were real characters.

    But I can see now what the glory of Spain must have been like when it was under Moorish rule. No, I won’t say that—but when someone is captivated, enchanted, and mesmerized by the wonders of the Alhambra and the stunning beauty of the Alcazar, it’s easy to overflow with admiration for the brilliant minds that created them.

We may wish that he had left us a chapter of that idyllic journey, but it will never be written now. A night or two before the vessel reached New York there was the usual good-by assembly, and for this occasion, at Mrs. Severance's request, Mark Twain wrote some verses. They were not especially notable, for meter and rhyme did not come easy to him, but one prophetic stanza is worth remembering. In the opening lines the passengers are referred to as a fleet of vessels, then follows:

We might wish he had shared a chapter of that perfect journey, but it will never be told now. A night or two before the ship arrived in New York, there was the usual farewell gathering, and at Mrs. Severance's request, Mark Twain wrote some verses. They weren't particularly remarkable, as meter and rhyme didn’t come easily to him, but one prophetic stanza is worth remembering. In the opening lines, the passengers are referred to as a fleet of vessels, then follows:

       Lo! other ships of that parted fleet
       Shall suffer this fate or that:
       One shall be wrecked, another shall sink,
       Or ground on treacherous flat.
       Some shall be famed in many lands
       As good ships, fast and fair,
       And some shall strangely disappear,
       Men know not when or where.
       Look! other ships from that divided fleet  
       Will face this fate or that:  
       One will be wrecked, another will sink,  
       Or run aground on a dangerous flat.  
       Some will be celebrated in many lands  
       As good ships, fast and beautiful,  
       And some will mysteriously vanish,  
       No one knows when or where.  

The Quaker City returned to America on November 19, 1867, and Mark Twain found himself, if not famous, at least in very wide repute. The fifty-three letters to the Alta and the half-dozen to the New York Tribune had carried his celebrity into every corner of the States and Territories. Vivid, fearless, full of fresh color, humor, poetry, they came as a revelation to a public weary of the driveling, tiresome travel-letters of that period. They preached a new gospel in travel-literature: the gospel of seeing with an overflowing honesty; a gospel of sincerity in according praises to whatever seemed genuine, and ridicule to the things considered sham. It was the gospel that Mark Twain would continue to preach during his whole career. It became his chief literary message to the world-a world waiting for that message.

The Quaker City returned to America on November 19, 1867, and Mark Twain found himself, if not famous, at least quite well-known. The fifty-three letters to the Alta and the half-dozen to the New York Tribune had spread his reputation to every corner of the States and Territories. Vivid, bold, and full of fresh color, humor, and poetry, they came as a breath of fresh air to a public tired of the dull, tedious travel letters of that time. They promoted a new approach in travel writing: the idea of seeing with complete honesty; a commitment to genuinely praising what was real and mocking what was fake. This was the message that Mark Twain would continue to share throughout his career. It became his main literary message to the world—a world eager for that insight.

Moreover, the letters were literature. He had received, from whatever source, a large and very positive literary impulse, a loftier conception and expression. It was at Tangier that he first struck the grander chord, the throbbing cadence of human story.

Moreover, the letters were literature. He had received, from whatever source, a significant and very encouraging literary boost, a higher concept and expression. It was in Tangier that he first hit the grander note, the vibrant rhythm of human experience.

Here is a crumbling wall that was old when Columbus discovered America; old when Peter the Hermit roused the knightly men of the Middle Ages to arm for the first Crusade; old when Charlemagne and his paladins beleaguered enchanted castles and battled with giants and genii in the fabled days of the olden time; old when Christ and his disciples walked the earth; stood where it stands to-day when the lips of Memnon were vocal and men bought and sold in the streets of ancient Thebes.

Here is a crumbling wall that was already old when Columbus discovered America; old when Peter the Hermit rallied the knights of the Middle Ages to prepare for the first Crusade; old when Charlemagne and his knights besieged enchanted castles and fought giants and genies in the legendary days of old; old when Christ and his disciples walked the earth; it has stood where it stands today when the lips of Memnon spoke and people traded in the streets of ancient Thebes.

This is pure poetry. He had never touched so high a strain before, but he reached it often after that, and always with an ever-increasing mastery and confidence. In Venice, in Rome, in Athens, through the Holy Land, his retrospection becomes a stately epic symphony, a processional crescendo that swings ever higher until it reaches that sublime strain, the ageless contemplation of the Sphinx. We cannot forego a paragraph or two of that word-picture:

This is pure poetry. He had never tapped into such a profound level before, but he frequently reached that height afterward, always with growing mastery and confidence. In Venice, in Rome, in Athens, throughout the Holy Land, his reflection turns into a grand epic symphony, a flowing crescendo that climbs ever higher until it hits that sublime note, the timeless contemplation of the Sphinx. We cannot skip a paragraph or two of that vivid description:

    After years of waiting it was before me at last. The great face was
    so sad, so earnest, so longing, so patient. There was a dignity not
    of earth in its mien, and in its countenance a benignity such as
    never anything human wore. It was stone, but it seemed sentient.
    If ever image of stone thought, it was thinking. It was looking
    toward the verge of the landscape, yet looking at nothing—nothing
    but distance and vacancy. It was looking over and beyond everything
    of the present, and far into the past.... It was thinking of the
    wars of the departed ages; of the empires it had seen created and
    destroyed; of the nations whose birth it had witnessed, whose
    progress it had watched, whose annihilation it had noted; of the joy
    and sorrow, the life and death, the grandeur and decay, of five
    thousand slow-revolving years....

    The Sphinx is grand in its loneliness; it is imposing in its
    magnitude; it is impressive in the mystery that hangs over its
    story. And there is that in the overshadowing majesty of this
    eternal figure of stone, with its accusing memory of the deeds of
    all ages, which reveals to one something of what we shall feel when
    we shall stand at last in the awful presence of God.
    After years of waiting, it was finally right in front of me. The great face was so sad, so serious, so longing, so patient. It carried a dignity that felt otherworldly, and in its expression was a kindness unlike anything human. It was made of stone, yet it seemed alive. If any stone could think, this one was thinking. It was gazing out at the horizon but seeing nothing—nothing but emptiness and distance. It looked beyond everything present and deep into the past.... It was reflecting on the wars of ages gone by; on the empires it had seen rise and fall; on the nations whose beginnings it had witnessed, whose progress it had observed, whose end it had recorded; on the joy and sorrow, life and death, greatness and decline, of five thousand slow-moving years....

    The Sphinx is magnificent in its solitude; it's striking in its size; it's captivating in the mystery surrounding its history. And there is something in the overwhelming majesty of this timeless stone figure, with its haunting memories of the actions of all ages, that gives a glimpse of how we might feel when we finally stand in the daunting presence of God.

Then that closing word of Egypt. He elaborated it for the book, and did not improve it. Let us preserve here its original form.

Then that final word from Egypt. He expanded on it for the book, but didn't enhance it. Let's keep its original form here.

    We are glad to have seen Egypt. We are glad to have seen that old
    land which taught Greece her letters—and through Greece, Rome—and
    through Rome, the world—that venerable cradle of culture and
    refinement which could have humanized and civilized the Children of
    Israel, but allowed them to depart out of her borders savages—those
    Children whom we still revere, still love, and whose sad
    shortcomings we still excuse—not because they were savages, but
    because they were the chosen savages of God.
    We are happy to have visited Egypt. We are happy to have seen that ancient land that taught Greece its letters—and through Greece, Rome—and through Rome, the world—that esteemed cradle of culture and refinement that could have civilized the Children of Israel, but instead let them leave its borders as savages—those Children whom we still honor, still love, and whose unfortunate flaws we still overlook—not because they were savages, but because they were God's chosen savages.

The Holy Land letters alone would have brought him fame. They presented the most graphic and sympathetic picture of Syrian travel ever written—one that will never become antiquated or obsolete so long as human nature remains unchanged. From beginning to end the tale is rarely, reverently told. Its closing paragraph has not been surpassed in the voluminous literature of that solemn land:

The Holy Land letters alone would have made him famous. They provided the most vivid and relatable account of traveling in Syria ever written—one that will never go out of style as long as people are still the same. From start to finish, the story is rarely and respectfully told. Its final paragraph has not been topped in the vast literature of that sacred land:

    Palestine sits in sackcloth and ashes. Over it broods the spell of
    a curse that has withered its fields and fettered its energies.
    Where Sodom and Gomorrah reared their domes and towers that solemn
    sea now floods the plain, in whose bitter waters no living thing
    exists—over whose waveless surface the blistering air hangs
    motionless and dead—about whose borders nothing grows but weeds and
    scattering tufts of cane, and that treacherous fruit that promises
    refreshment to parching lips, but turns to ashes at the touch.
    Nazareth is forlorn; about that ford of Jordan where the hosts of
    Israel entered the Promised Land with songs of rejoicing one finds
    only a squalid camp of fantastic Bedouins of the desert; Jericho the
    accursed lies a moldering ruin today, even as Joshua's miracle left
    it more than three thousand years ago; Bethlehem and Bethany, in
    their poverty and their humiliation, have nothing about them now to
    remind one that they once knew the high honor of the Saviour's
    presence; the hallowed spot where the shepherds watched their flocks
    by night, and where the angels sang Peace on earth, goodwill to men,
    is untenanted by any living creature, and unblessed by any feature
    that is pleasant to the eye. Renowned Jerusalem itself, the
    stateliest name in history, has lost all its ancient grandeur, and
    is become a pauper village; the riches of Solomon are no longer
    there to compel the admiration of visiting Oriental queens; the
    wonderful temple which was the pride and the glory of Israel is
    gone, and the Ottoman crescent is lifted above the spot where, on
    that most memorable day in the annals of the world, they reared the
    Holy Cross. The noted Sea of Galilee, where Roman fleets once rode
    at anchor and the disciples of the Saviour sailed in their ships,
    was long ago deserted by the devotees of war and commerce, and its
    borders are a silent wilderness; Capernaum is a shapeless ruin;
    Magdala is the home of beggared Arabs; Bethsaida and Chorazin have
    vanished from the earth, and the “desert places” round about them
    where thousands of men once listened to the Saviour's voice and ate
    the miraculous bread sleep in the hush of a solitude that is
    inhabited only by birds of prey and skulking foxes.

    Palestine is desolate and unlovely. And why should it be otherwise?
    Can the curse of the Deity beautify a land?
Palestine is in mourning. It’s overshadowed by a curse that has drained its fields and stifled its potential. Where Sodom and Gomorrah once stood proud, now a desolate sea covers the plain, with bitter waters that hold no life—its still surface is heavy with a dead, scorching air—where nothing thrives except for weeds and scattered patches of reeds, and that deceptive fruit that seems refreshing to dry lips but turns to ashes when touched. Nazareth is abandoned; at that crossing of the Jordan where the Israelites entered the Promised Land with joyful songs, you now find only a shabby camp of whimsical Bedouins from the desert; Jericho, once cursed, is a decaying ruin, just as it was left by Joshua's miracle over three thousand years ago. Bethlehem and Bethany, in their poverty and shame, have nothing left to remind anyone that they once had the great honor of the Savior's presence; the revered site where the shepherds watched their flocks at night, and where the angels proclaimed peace on earth and goodwill towards men, is now empty of life and lacks any beauty. Famous Jerusalem, once a grand symbol in history, has lost all its ancient splendor and has turned into a poor village; Solomon’s riches no longer captivate visiting queens from the East; the magnificent temple that was Israel’s pride and glory is gone, and the Ottoman crescent now dominates the spot where, on that unforgettable day in history, they raised the Holy Cross. The once-famous Sea of Galilee, where Roman ships anchored and the Savior’s disciples sailed, has long been abandoned by the warriors and traders, its shores now a silent wilderness; Capernaum is just a crumbling ruin; Magdala is the dwelling of impoverished Arabs; Bethsaida and Chorazin have faded from existence, and the "desert places" around them, where thousands once listened to the Savior and ate the miraculous bread, now lie in quiet solitude, inhabited only by birds of prey and lurking foxes.

Palestine is desolate and uninviting. And why should it be any different? Can the curse of the divine beautify a land?

It would be easy to quote pages here—a pictorial sequence from Gibraltar to Athens, from Athens to Egypt, a radiant panoramic march. In time he would write technically better. He would avoid solecism, he would become a greater master of vocabulary and phrase, but in all the years ahead he would never match the lambent bloom and spontaneity of those fresh, first impressions of Mediterranean lands and seas. No need to mention the humor, the burlesque, the fearless, unrestrained ridicule of old masters and of sacred relics, so called. These we have kept familiar with much repetition. Only, the humor had grown more subtle, more restrained; the burlesque had become impersonal and harmless, the ridicule so frank and good-natured, that even the old masters themselves might have enjoyed it, while the most devoted churchman, unless blinded by bigotry, would find in it satisfaction, rather than sacrilege.

It would be easy to quote pages here—a visual journey from Gibraltar to Athens, from Athens to Egypt, a stunning panoramic march. Over time, he would write better technically. He would avoid mistakes, and he would become a master of vocabulary and phrases, but in all the years to come, he would never replicate the radiant freshness and spontaneity of those initial impressions of Mediterranean lands and seas. There’s no need to mention the humor, the satire, the fearless, unrestricted mockery of old masters and so-called sacred artifacts. We’ve kept these familiar through much repetition. However, the humor has become subtler, more restrained; the satire has turned impersonal and harmless, and the ridicule so straightforward and good-natured that even the old masters themselves might have enjoyed it, while the most devoted churchman, unless blinded by bigotry, would find satisfaction in it rather than sacrilege.

The final letter was written for the New York Herald after the arrival, and was altogether unlike those that preceded it. Gaily satirical and personal—inclusively so—it might better have been left unwritten, for it would seem to have given needless offense to a number of goodly people, whose chief sin was the sedateness of years. However, it is all past now, and those who were old then, and perhaps queer and pious and stingy, do not mind any more, and those who were young and frivolous have all grown old too, and most of them have set out on the still farther voyage. Somewhere, it may be, they gather, now; and then, and lightly, tenderly recall their old-time journeying.

The final letter was written for the New York Herald after the arrival and was completely different from the previous ones. It was cheerfully satirical and personal—in a more inclusive way—and it probably should have been left unwritten, as it seemed to offend a number of good people whose biggest flaw was their age. But that’s all in the past now; those who were older then, maybe a bit odd, religious, and stingy, don’t care anymore, and those who were young and carefree have all aged too, with most of them embarking on an even longer journey. Somewhere, maybe they come together now and, lightly and tenderly, remember their old travels.





LXIII. IN WASHINGTON—A PUBLISHING PROPOSITION

Clemens remained but one day in New York. Senator Stewart had written, about the time of the departure of the Quaker City, offering him the position of private secretary—a position which was to give him leisure for literary work, with a supporting salary as well. Stewart no doubt thought it would be considerably to his advantage to have the brilliant writer and lecturer attached to his political establishment, and Clemens likewise saw possibilities in the arrangement. From Naples, in August, he had written accepting Stewart's offer; he lost no time now in discussing the matter in person.—[In a letter home, August 9th, he referred to the arrangement: “I wrote to Bill Stewart to-day accepting his private secretaryship in Washington, next winter.”]

Clemens stayed only one day in New York. Senator Stewart had written around the time the Quaker City was leaving, offering him the position of private secretary—a role that would allow him time for writing, along with a decent salary. Stewart likely thought it would benefit him to have such a talented writer and speaker as part of his political team, and Clemens also saw potential in the arrangement. In August, from Naples, he had written back accepting Stewart's offer; he wasted no time in discussing the details in person. —[In a letter home, August 9th, he mentioned the arrangement: “I wrote to Bill Stewart today accepting his private secretary position in Washington next winter.”]

There seems to have been little difficulty in concluding the arrangement. When Clemens had been in Washington a week we find him writing:

There doesn’t seem to have been much trouble finalizing the arrangement. After Clemens had been in Washington for a week, we find him writing:

    DEAR FOLKS, Tired and sleepy—been in Congress all day and making
    newspaper acquaintances. Stewart is to look up a clerkship in the
    Patent Office for Orion. Things necessarily move slowly where there
    is so much business and such armies of office-seekers to be attended
    to. I guess it will be all right. I intend it shall be all right.

    I have 18 invitations to lecture, at $100 each, in various parts
    of the Union—have declined them all. I am for business now.

    Belong on the Tribune Staff, and shall write occasionally. Am
    offered the same berth to-day on the Herald by letter. Shall write
    Mr. Bennett and accept, as soon as I hear from Tribune that it will
    not interfere. Am pretty well known now—intend to be better known.
    Am hobnobbing with these old Generals and Senators and other humbugs
    for no good purpose. Don't have any more trouble making friends
    than I did in California. All serene. Good-by. Shall continue on
    the Alta.
                     Yours affectionately,
                                   SAM.

    P.S.—I room with Bill Stewart and board at Willard's Hotel.
DEAR FOLKS, 

I’m exhausted and sleepy—spent all day in Congress meeting people from the newspapers. Stewart is going to check on a clerk position at the Patent Office for Orion. Things are bound to move slowly with so much going on and so many people seeking office. I believe it will all work out. I’m determined it will be fine.

I have 18 invitations to give lectures, each for $100, across different parts of the country—but I’ve turned them all down. I’m focused on business now.

I’m part of the Tribune staff and will write occasionally. I received a letter today offering me the same position at the Herald. I’ll write to Mr. Bennett and accept once I hear from the Tribune that it won’t cause any conflicts. I’m fairly well known now—I plan to become even more known. I’m socializing with these old generals, senators, and other phonies, but it’s not for any real reason. I don’t have any more trouble making friends than I did in California. Everything’s good. Goodbye. I’ll keep writing for the Alta.

Yours affectionately,  
SAM.

P.S.—I share a room with Bill Stewart and eat at Willard's Hotel.

But the secretary arrangement was a brief matter. It is impossible to conceive of Mark Twain as anybody's secretary, especially as the secretary of Senator Stewart. —[In Senator Stewart's memoirs he refers unpleasantly to Mark Twain, and after relating several incidents that bear only strained relations to the truth, states that when the writer returned from the Holy Land he (Stewart) offered him a secretaryship as a sort of charity. He adds that Mark Twain's behavior on his premises was such that a threat of a thrashing was necessary. The reason for such statements becomes apparent, however, when he adds that in 'Roughing It' the author accuses him of cheating, prints a picture of him with a hatch over his eye, and claims to have given him a sound thrashing, none of which statements, save only the one concerning the picture (an apparently unforgivable offense to his dignity), is true, as the reader may easily ascertain for himself.]

But the secretary arrangement didn't last long. It's hard to picture Mark Twain as anyone's secretary, especially not for Senator Stewart. —[In Senator Stewart's memoirs, he unpleasantly mentions Mark Twain. After sharing several incidents that only somewhat relate to the truth, he claims that when the writer returned from the Holy Land, he (Stewart) offered him a secretary position as a kind of charity. He adds that Mark Twain's behavior on his property was such that he felt the need to threaten him with a beating. However, the reason for these remarks becomes clear when he mentions that in 'Roughing It,' the author accuses him of cheating, publishes a picture of him with a hatch covering his eye, and claims to have given him a proper beating. None of these statements, except for the one about the picture (which is apparently an unforgivable affront to his pride), are true, as the reader can easily determine for themselves.]

Within a few weeks he was writing humorous accounts of “My Late Senatorial Secretaryship,” “Facts Concerning the Recent Resignation,” etc., all good-natured burlesque, but inspired, we may believe, by the change: These articles appeared in the New York Tribune, the New York Citizen, and the Galaxy Magazine.

Within a few weeks, he was writing funny pieces about “My Recent Time as a Senator's Secretary,” “Details About the Recent Resignation,” etc., all light-hearted parodies, but we can assume they were inspired by the change: These articles were published in the New York Tribune, the New York Citizen, and Galaxy Magazine.

There appears to have been no ill-feeling at this time between Clemens and Stewart. If so, it is not discoverable in any of the former's personal or newspaper correspondence. In fact, in his article relating to his “late senatorial secretaryship” he puts the joke, so far as it is a joke, on Senator James W. Nye, probably as an additional punishment for Nye's failure to appear on the night of his lecture. He established headquarters with a brilliant newspaper correspondent named Riley. “One of the best men in Washington—or elsewhere,” he tells us in a brief sketch of that person.—[See Riley, newspaper correspondent. Sketches New and Old.]—He had known Riley in San Francisco; the two were congenial, and settled down to their several undertakings.

There doesn’t seem to have been any bad blood between Clemens and Stewart at this time. If there was, it isn’t evident in any of Clemens’s personal or newspaper correspondence. In fact, in his article about his recent role as a senatorial secretary, he makes the joke—if it can be called that—at Senator James W. Nye's expense, likely as extra punishment for Nye's absence on the night of his lecture. He set up his base with an excellent newspaper correspondent named Riley. “One of the best men in Washington—or anywhere else,” he tells us in a short profile of him.—[See Riley, newspaper correspondent. Sketches New and Old.]—He had known Riley in San Francisco; the two got along well and settled into their respective tasks.

Clemens was chiefly concerned over two things: he wished to make money and he wished to secure a government appointment for Orion. He had used up the most of his lecture accumulations, and was moderately in debt. His work was in demand at good rates, for those days, and with working opportunity he could presently dispose of his financial problem. The Tribune was anxious for letters; the Enterprise and Alta were waiting for them; the Herald, the Chicago Tribune, the magazines—all had solicited contributions; the lecture bureaus pursued him. Personally his outlook was bright.

Clemens was mainly focused on two things: he wanted to make money and secure a government job for Orion. He had spent most of his lecture earnings and was somewhat in debt. His work was in high demand at decent rates for that time, and with the right opportunities, he could soon solve his financial issues. The Tribune was eager for letters; the Enterprise and Alta were waiting for them; the Herald, the Chicago Tribune, and various magazines had all requested contributions; lecture bureaus were pursuing him. Personally, he felt optimistic about the future.

The appointment for Orion was a different matter. The powers were not especially interested in a brother; there were too many brothers and assorted relatives on the official waiting-list already. Clemens was offered appointments for himself—a consulship, a post-mastership; even that of San Francisco. From the Cabinet down, the Washington political contingent had read his travel-letters, and was ready to recognize officially the author of them in his own person and personality.

The appointment for Orion was a different story. The powers that be weren’t particularly interested in a brother; there were already too many brothers and various relatives on the official waiting list. Clemens was offered positions for himself—a consulship, a post-mastership; even one in San Francisco. From the Cabinet down, the political crowd in Washington had read his travel letters and was prepared to officially acknowledge the author in his own right and personality.

Also, socially: Mark Twain found himself all at once in the midst of receptions, dinners, and speech-making; all very exciting for a time at least, but not profitable, not conducive to work. At a dinner of the Washington Correspondents Club his response to the toast, “Women,” was pronounced by Schuyler Colfax to be “the best after dinner speech ever made.” Certainly it was a refreshing departure from the prosy or clumsy-witted efforts common to that period. He was coming altogether into his own.—[This is the first of Mark Twain's after-dinner speeches to be preserved. The reader will find it complete, as reported next day, in Appendix G, at the end of last volume.]

Also, socially: Mark Twain suddenly found himself in the middle of parties, dinners, and giving speeches; it was all very exciting for a while, but not productive or helpful for his work. At a dinner for the Washington Correspondents Club, his reply to the toast, “Women,” was called by Schuyler Colfax “the best after-dinner speech ever made.” It really was a refreshing change from the dull or awkward attempts typical of that time. He was truly coming into his own.—[This is the first of Mark Twain's after-dinner speeches to be preserved. The reader will find it complete, as reported the next day, in Appendix G, at the end of the last volume.]

He was not immediately interested in the matter of book publication. The Jumping Frog book was popular, and in England had been issued by Routledge; but the royalty returns were modest enough and slow in arrival. His desire was for prompter results. His interest in book publication had never been an eager one, and related mainly to the advertising it would furnish, which he did not now need; or to the money return, in which he had no great faith. Yet at this very moment a letter for him was lying in the Tribune office in New York which would bring the book idea into first prominence and spell the beginning of his fortune.

He wasn't very interested in publishing books right away. The Jumping Frog book was popular and had been released by Routledge in England, but the royalty payments were modest and came in slowly. He wanted quicker results. His interest in publishing had never been strong and was mostly about the publicity it would generate, which he didn’t need at the moment, or the financial gain, which he didn’t really believe in. Yet at that very moment, a letter was sitting for him at the Tribune office in New York that would elevate the book idea to the forefront and mark the start of his fortune.

Among those who had read and found delight in the Tribune letters was Elisha Bliss, Jr., of the American Publishing Company, of Hartford. Bliss was a shrewd and energetic man, with a keen appreciation for humor and the American fondness for that literary quality. He had recently undertaken the management of a Hartford concern, and had somewhat alarmed its conservative directorate by publishing books that furnished entertainment to the reader as well as moral instruction. Only his success in paying dividends justified this heresy and averted his downfall. Two days after the arrival of the Quaker City Bliss wrote the letter above mentioned. It ran as follows:

Among those who read and enjoyed the Tribune letters was Elisha Bliss, Jr., of the American Publishing Company in Hartford. Bliss was a clever and energetic guy who really appreciated humor and the American love for that literary quality. He had recently taken over the management of a Hartford business, and he had somewhat startled its conservative board by publishing books that entertained readers while also providing moral lessons. Only his success in paying out dividends justified this unconventional approach and saved him from failure. Two days after the Quaker City arrived, Bliss wrote the letter mentioned above. It read as follows:

                  OFFICE OF THE AMERICAN PUBLISHING CO.
                  HARTFORD, CONN., November 21, 1867.
                  OFFICE OF THE AMERICAN PUBLISHING CO.
                  HARTFORD, CT, November 21, 1867.

SAMUEL L. CLEMENS, ESQ., Tribune Office, New York.

SAMUEL L. CLEMENS, ESQ., Tribune Office, New York.

DEAR SIR,—We take the liberty to address you this, in place of a letter which we had recently written and were about to forward to you, not knowing your arrival home was expected so soon. We are desirous of obtaining from you a work of some kind, perhaps compiled from your letters from the past, etc., with such interesting additions as may be proper. We are the publishers of A. D. Richardson's works, and flatter ourselves that we can give an author a favorable term and do as full justice to his productions as any other house in the country. We are perhaps the oldest subscription house in the country, and have never failed to give a book an immense circulation. We sold about 100,000 copies of Richardson's F. D. and E. ('Field, Dungeon and Escape'), and are now printing 41,000 of 'Beyond the Mississippi', and large orders ahead. If you have any thought of writing a book, or could be induced to do so, we should be pleased to see you, and will do so. Will you do us the favor of reply at once, at your earliest convenience.

DEAR SIR,—We hope you don't mind us reaching out to you instead of sending the letter we had recently written and were about to send your way, not realizing you would be home so soon. We’re eager to get a work from you, maybe something compiled from your past letters, along with any interesting additions you think are appropriate. We are the publishers of A. D. Richardson's works and believe we can offer an author favorable terms and do justice to their work just as well as any other publisher in the country. We may be the oldest subscription house in the country, and we’ve consistently managed to give books a huge circulation. We sold around 100,000 copies of Richardson's F. D. and E. ('Field, Dungeon and Escape'), and we’re currently printing 41,000 copies of 'Beyond the Mississippi', with large orders lined up. If you’re considering writing a book or could be persuaded to do so, we’d love to meet with you and discuss it. Please do us the favor of replying at your earliest convenience.

                         Very truly etc.,

                            E. BLISS, JR.,
                            Secretary.
                         Very truly etc.,

                            E. BLISS, JR.,
                            Secretary.

After ten days' delay this letter was forwarded to the Tribune bureau in Washington, where Clemens received it. He replied promptly.

After a ten-day delay, this letter was sent to the Tribune office in Washington, where Clemens got it. He replied right away.

                     WASHINGTON, December 2, 1867.
WASHINGTON, Dec 2, 1867.

E. BLISS, JR., ESQ., Secretary American Publishing Co.

E. BLISS, JR., ESQ., Secretary American Publishing Co.

DEAR SIR,—I only received your favor of November 21st last night, at the rooms of the Tribune Bureau here. It was forwarded from the Tribune office, New York where it had lain eight or ten days. This will be a sufficient apology for the seeming discourtesy of my silence.

DEAR SIR,—I just got your message from November 21st last night at the Tribune Bureau here. It was sent from the Tribune office in New York, where it sat for about eight or ten days. This should explain my delayed response and any impression of discourtesy.

I wrote fifty-two letters for the San Francisco Alta California during the Quaker City excursion, about half of which number have been printed thus far. The Alta has few exchanges in the East, and I suppose scarcely any of these letters have been copied on this side of the Rocky Mountains. I could weed them of their chief faults of construction and inelegancies of expression, and make a volume that would be more acceptable in many respects than any I could now write. When those letters were written my impressions were fresh, but now they have lost that freshness; they were warm then, they are cold now. I could strike out certain letters, and write new ones wherewith to supply their places. If you think such a book would suit your purpose, please drop me a line, specifying the size and general style of the volume—when the matter ought to be ready; whether it should have pictures in it or not; and particularly what your terms with me would be, and what amount of money I might possibly make out of it. The latter clause has a degree of importance for me which is almost beyond my own comprehension. But you understand that, of course.

I wrote fifty-two letters for the San Francisco Alta California during the Quaker City trip, and about half of them have been published so far. The Alta has few exchanges in the East, and I doubt any of these letters have been shared over here on this side of the Rocky Mountains. I could fix their main issues with structure and awkward phrasing to create a book that would be more appealing in many ways than anything I could write now. When I wrote those letters, my impressions were fresh, but now they’ve lost that freshness; they felt vibrant then, but they feel distant now. I could remove certain letters and write new ones to replace them. If you think such a book would work for your needs, please send me a message specifying the size and general style of the volume, when the content should be ready, whether it should include pictures, and especially what your terms would be and how much I might earn from it. The last part is particularly important to me, maybe more than I fully understand. But you get that, of course.

I have other propositions for a book, but have doubted the propriety of interfering with good newspaper engagements, except my way as an author could be demonstrated to be plain before me. But I know Richardson, and learned from him some months ago something of an idea of the subscription plan of publishing. If that is your plan invariably it looks safe.

I have other ideas for a book, but I've hesitated to disrupt good newspaper commitments unless my approach as an author becomes clear. However, I know Richardson, and a few months ago, he shared some insights about the subscription model for publishing. If that's your strategy, it certainly seems reliable.

I am on the New York Tribune staff here as an “occasional,” among other
things, and a note from you addressed to              Very truly, etc.,
                         SAM. L. CLEMENS,
                         New York Tribune Bureau, Washington
will find me, without fail.
I’m on the New York Tribune team here as a “freelancer,” among other things, and a note from you addressed to              Very truly, etc.,  
                         SAM. L. CLEMENS,  
                         New York Tribune Bureau, Washington  
will reach me, no problem.

The exchange of those two letters marked the beginning of one of the most notable publishing connections in American literary history.

The exchange of those two letters marked the start of one of the most significant publishing relationships in American literary history.

Consummation, however, was somewhat delayed. Bliss was ill when the reply came, and could not write again in detail until nearly a month later. In this letter he recited the profits made by Richardson and others through subscription publication, and named the royalties paid. Richardson had received four per cent. of the sale price, a small enough rate for these later days; but the cost of manufacture was larger then, and the sale and delivery of books through agents has ever been an expensive process. Even Horace Greeley had received but a fraction more on his Great American Conflict. Bliss especially suggested and emphasized a “humorous work—that is to say, a work humorously inclined.” He added that they had two arrangements for paying authors: outright purchase, and royalty. He invited a meeting in New York to arrange terms.

However, the final agreement was delayed. Bliss was sick when the response arrived and couldn't provide a detailed reply until nearly a month later. In this letter, he outlined the profits made by Richardson and others through subscription publishing and mentioned the royalties received. Richardson had earned four percent of the sale price, which is a small rate by today’s standards, but the manufacturing costs were higher back then, and selling and distributing books through agents has always been an expensive process. Even Horace Greeley received just a bit more for his Great American Conflict. Bliss specifically suggested and emphasized a “humorous work—that is, something with a humorous angle.” He added that they had two methods for paying authors: outright purchase and royalty. He invited everyone to a meeting in New York to discuss terms.





LXIV. OLIVIA LANGDON

Clemens did in fact go to New York that same evening, to spend Christmas with Dan Slote, and missed Bliss's second letter. It was no matter. Fate had his affairs properly in hand, and had prepared an event of still larger moment than the publication even of Innocents Abroad. There was a pleasant reunion at Dan Slote's. He wrote home about it:

Clemens actually went to New York that same evening to celebrate Christmas with Dan Slote, and he missed Bliss's second letter. It didn't matter. Fate had everything under control and had set up an event even more significant than the release of Innocents Abroad. There was a nice reunion at Dan Slote's. He wrote home about it:

    Charley Langdon, Jack Van Nostrand, Dan and I (all Quaker City
    night-hawks) had a blow-out at Dan's house and a lively talk over
    old times. I just laughed till my sides ached at some of our
    reminiscences. It was the unholiest gang that ever cavorted through
    Palestine, but those are the best boys in the world.
    Charley Langdon, Jack Van Nostrand, Dan, and I (all Quaker City night owls) had a wild party at Dan's house and a fun chat about the good old days. I laughed so hard my sides hurt at some of our memories. We were the wildest bunch that ever hung out in Palestine, but they’re the best guys around.

This, however, was not the event; it was only preliminary to it. We are coming to that now. At the old St. Nicholas Hotel, which stood on the west of Broadway between Spring and Broome streets, there were stopping at this time Jervis Langdon, a wealty coal-dealer and mine-owner of Elmira, his son Charles and his daughter Olivia, whose pictured face Samuel Clemens had first seen in the Bay of Smyrna one September day. Young Langdon had been especially anxious to bring his distinguished Quaker City friend and his own people together, and two days before Christmas Samuel Clemens was invited to dine at the hotel. He went very willingly. The lovely face of that miniature had been often a part of his waking dreams. For the first time now he looked upon its reality. Long afterward he said:

This, however, wasn’t the main event; it was just a lead-up to it. We’re getting to that now. At the old St. Nicholas Hotel, located on the west side of Broadway between Spring and Broome streets, Jervis Langdon, a wealthy coal dealer and mine owner from Elmira, along with his son Charles and daughter Olivia, were staying at that time. Samuel Clemens had first seen Olivia’s picture in the Bay of Smyrna one September day. Young Langdon really wanted to introduce his distinguished friend from Quaker City to his family, so two days before Christmas, Samuel Clemens was invited to dinner at the hotel. He accepted the invitation happily. The beautiful face from that miniature had often been part of his daydreams. For the first time now, he saw it in real life. Much later, he said:

“It is forty years ago. From that day to this she has never been out of my mind.”

“It’s been forty years. Since that day, she’s never left my thoughts.”

Charles Dickens was in New York then, and gave a reading that night in Steinway Hall. The Langdons went, and Samuel Clemens accompanied them. He remembered afterward that Dickens wore a black velvet coat with a fiery red flower in his buttonhole, and that he read the storm scene from Copperfield—the death of James Steerforth. But he remembered still more clearly the face and dress of that slender girlish figure at his side.

Charles Dickens was in New York at that time and gave a reading that night at Steinway Hall. The Langdons attended, and Samuel Clemens went with them. He later recalled that Dickens wore a black velvet coat with a bright red flower in his buttonhole, and that he read the storm scene from Copperfield—the death of James Steerforth. However, he remembered even more clearly the face and outfit of the slender, girlish figure beside him.

Olivia Langdon was twenty-two years old at this time, delicate as the miniature he had seen, fragile to look upon, though no longer with the shattered health of her girlhood. At sixteen, through a fall upon the ice, she had become a complete invalid, confined to her bed for two years, unable to sit, even when supported, unable to lie in any position except upon her back. Great physicians and surgeons, one after another, had done their best for her but she had failed steadily until every hope had died. Then, when nothing else was left to try, a certain Doctor Newton, of spectacular celebrity, who cured by “laying on of hands,” was brought to Elmira to see her. Doctor Newton came into the darkened room and said:

Olivia Langdon was twenty-two years old at this time, as delicate as the miniature he had seen, fragile in appearance, though no longer bearing the broken health of her youth. At sixteen, due to a fall on the ice, she had become completely disabled, confined to her bed for two years, unable to sit up, even with support, and could only lie on her back. Renowned doctors and surgeons had repeatedly tried to help her, but her condition steadily worsened until all hope was gone. Then, when there was nothing else left to do, a famous doctor named Newton, known for healing through "laying on of hands," was brought to Elmira to see her. Doctor Newton entered the dimly lit room and said:

“Open the windows—we must have light!”

“Open the windows—we need some light!”

They protested that she could not bear the light, but the windows were opened. Doctor Newton came to the bedside of the helpless girl, delivered a short, fervent prayer, put his arm under her shoulders, and bade her sit up. She had not moved for two years, and the family were alarmed, but she obeyed, and he assisted her into a chair. Sensation came back to her limbs. With his assistance she even made a feeble attempt to walk. He left then, saying that she would gradually improve, and in time be well, though probably never very strong. On the same day he healed a boy, crippled and drawn with fever.

They argued that she couldn’t handle the light, but the windows were opened. Doctor Newton approached the bedside of the helpless girl, offered a brief, passionate prayer, lifted her shoulders, and told her to sit up. She hadn't moved for two years, which worried the family, but she complied, and he helped her into a chair. Feeling returned to her limbs. With his help, she even made a weak attempt to walk. He then left, saying that she would gradually get better and eventually be well, though probably never very strong. On the same day, he treated a boy who was crippled and weakened by fever.

It turned out as he had said. Olivia Langdon improved steadily, and now at twenty-two, though not robust—she was never that—she was comparatively well. Gentle, winning, lovable, she was the family idol, and Samuel Clemens joined in their worship from the moment of that first meeting.

It happened just as he predicted. Olivia Langdon got better over time, and now at twenty-two, even though she wasn’t strong—she never was—she was doing relatively well. Kind, charming, and lovable, she was the favorite of the family, and Samuel Clemens joined in their admiration from the moment they first met.

Olivia Langdon, on her part, was at first dazed and fascinated, rather than attracted, by this astonishing creature, so unlike any one she had ever known. Her life had been circumscribed, her experiences of a simple sort. She had never seen anything resembling him before. Indeed, nobody had. Somewhat carelessly, even if correctly, attired; eagerly, rather than observantly, attentive; brilliant and startling, rather than cultured, of speech—a blazing human solitaire, unfashioned, unset, tossed by the drift of fortune at her feet. He disturbed rather than gratified her. She sensed his heresy toward the conventions and forms which had been her gospel; his bantering, indifferent attitude toward life—to her always so serious and sacred; she suspected that he even might have unorthodox views on matters of religion. When he had gone she somehow had the feeling that a great fiery meteor of unknown portent had swept across her sky.

Olivia Langdon was initially stunned and intrigued, rather than drawn in, by this incredible person who was completely different from anyone she had ever met. Her life had been limited, filled with simple experiences. She had never encountered anyone like him before. In a somewhat casual manner, though still appropriately dressed; more excited than observant; dazzling and striking, rather than refined in conversation—he was like a unique, unpolished gem, thrown by chance at her feet. He unsettled her instead of satisfying her. She felt his defiance against the norms and standards that had always guided her; his teasing, indifferent approach to life—something she had always considered serious and sacred; she suspected he might even hold unconventional beliefs about religion. After he left, she had the sense that a brilliant, fiery meteor of unknown significance had streaked across her sky.

To her brother, who was eager for her approval of his celebrity, Miss Langdon conceded admiration. As for her father, he did not qualify his opinion. With hearty sense of humor, and a keen perception of verity and capability in men, Jervis Langdon accepted Samuel Clemens from the start, and remained his stanch admirer and friend. Clemens left that night with an invitation to visit Elmira by and by, and with the full intention of going—soon. Fate, however, had another plan. He did not see Elmira for the better part of a year.

To her brother, who was eager for her approval of his celebrity, Miss Langdon expressed her admiration. As for her father, he didn’t hold back his opinion. With a strong sense of humor and a sharp understanding of truth and ability in people, Jervis Langdon accepted Samuel Clemens right from the beginning and remained his loyal supporter and friend. Clemens left that night with an invitation to visit Elmira later on and fully intended to go—soon. However, fate had other ideas. He didn’t see Elmira for most of the year.

He saw Miss Langdon again within the week. On New-Year's Day he set forth to pay calls, after the fashion of the time—more lavish then than now. Miss Langdon was receiving with Miss Alice Hooker, a niece of Henry Ward Beecher, at the home of a Mrs. Berry; he decided to go there first. With young Langdon he arrived at eleven o'clock in the morning, and they did not leave until midnight. If his first impression upon Olivia Langdon had been meteoric, it would seem that he must now have become to her as a streaming comet that swept from zenith to horizon. One thing is certain: she had become to him the single, unvarying beacon of his future years. He visited Henry Ward Beecher on that trip and dined with him by invitation. Harriet Beecher Stowe was present, and others of that eminent family. Likewise his old Quaker City comrades, Moses S. and Emma Beach. It was a brilliant gathering, a conclave of intellectual gods—a triumph to be there for one who had been a printer-boy on the banks of the Mississippi, and only a little while before a miner with pick and shovel. It was gratifying to be so honored; it would be pleasant to write home; but the occasion lacked something too—everything, in fact—for when he ran his eye around the board the face of the minature was not there.

He saw Miss Langdon again within the week. On New Year's Day, he set out to make visits, following the customs of the time—more extravagant then than now. Miss Langdon was hosting with Miss Alice Hooker, a niece of Henry Ward Beecher, at the home of Mrs. Berry; he decided to visit them first. With young Langdon, he arrived at eleven in the morning and didn't leave until midnight. If his initial impression of Olivia Langdon had been striking, it seems he's now become to her like a blazing comet sweeping from the sky to the horizon. One thing is clear: she had become the one constant guiding light for his future years. He visited Henry Ward Beecher on that trip and had dinner with him by invitation. Harriet Beecher Stowe was there, along with others from that prominent family. Also present were his old Quaker City friends, Moses S. and Emma Beach. It was a brilliant gathering, a meeting of intellectual giants—a remarkable achievement for someone who had once been a printer's apprentice along the Mississippi and, not long before, a miner with a pick and shovel. It was satisfying to be so recognized; it would be nice to write home about it. But the occasion was missing something too—everything, really—because when he looked around the table, the face of the one he longed for was not there.

Still there were compensations; inadequate, of course, but pleasant enough to remember. It was Sunday evening and the party adjourned to Plymouth Church. After services Mr. Beecher invited him to return home with him for a quiet talk. Evidently they had a good time, for in the letter telling of these things Samuel Clemens said: “Henry Ward Beecher is a brick.”

Still, there were some upsides; not perfect, of course, but nice enough to remember. It was Sunday evening, and the group went to Plymouth Church. After the service, Mr. Beecher invited him to come back to his place for a relaxed conversation. Clearly, they enjoyed themselves because in the letter recounting these events, Samuel Clemens wrote: “Henry Ward Beecher is a great guy.”





LXV. A CONTRACT WITH ELISHA BLISS, JR.

He returned to Washington without seeing Miss Langdon again, though he would seem to have had permission to write—friendly letters. A little later (it was on the evening of January 9th) he lectured in Washington—on very brief notice indeed. The arrangement for his appearance had been made by a friend during his absence—“a friend,” Clemens declared afterward, “not entirely sober at the time.” To his mother he wrote:

He went back to Washington without seeing Miss Langdon again, even though it seemed like he had the go-ahead to write her friendly letters. A little later (on the evening of January 9th), he gave a lecture in Washington on very short notice. His friend had set up his appearance while he was away—“a friend,” Clemens later said, “who wasn’t entirely sober at the time.” He wrote to his mother:

I scared up a doorkeeper and was ready at the proper time, and by pure good luck a tolerably good house assembled and I was saved. I hardly knew what I was going to talk about, but it went off in splendid style.

I found a doorkeeper and got ready on time, and by sheer luck, a decent crowd showed up, so I was in the clear. I barely knew what I was going to say, but it turned out great.

The title of the lecture delivered was “The Frozen Truth”—“more truth in the title than in the lecture,” according to his own statement. What it dealt with is not remembered now. It had to do with the Quaker City trip, perhaps, and it seems to have brought a financial return which was welcome enough. Subsequently he delivered it elsewhere; though just how far the tour extended cannot be learned from the letters, and he had but little memory of it in later years.

The lecture was titled “The Frozen Truth”—“there’s more truth in the title than in the lecture,” as he put it himself. No one really remembers what it was about now. It might have been related to the Quaker City trip, and it apparently generated some welcome income. He later gave the lecture in other places, but it’s unclear from the letters how far the tour went, and he had little recollection of it in his later years.

There was some further correspondence with Bliss, then about the 21st of January (1868) Clemens made a trip to Hartford to settle the matter. Bliss had been particularly anxious to meet him, personally and was a trifle disappointed with his appearance. Mark Twain's traveling costume was neither new nor neat, and he was smoking steadily a pipe of power. His general make-up was hardly impressive.

There was some more communication with Bliss, and around January 21st (1868), Clemens took a trip to Hartford to sort things out. Bliss was quite eager to meet him in person but was a bit let down by his appearance. Mark Twain's travel outfit was neither new nor tidy, and he was constantly smoking a strong pipe. His overall presence was not very striking.

Bliss's disturbance was momentary. Once he began to talk the rest did not matter. He was the author of those letters, and Bliss decided that personally he was even greater than they. The publisher, confined to his home with illness, offered him the hospitality of his household. Also, he made him two propositions: he would pay him ten thousand dollars cash for his copyright, or he would pay five per cent. royalty, which was a fourth more than Richardson had received. He advised the latter arrangement.

Bliss's momentary unease faded as soon as he started talking; everything else became irrelevant. He was the author of those letters, and Bliss concluded that he was even more impressive than they were. The publisher, stuck at home due to illness, welcomed him into his household. He also presented him with two options: he would pay him ten thousand dollars in cash for his copyright, or he would offer a five percent royalty, which was twenty-five percent more than what Richardson had received. He recommended the latter option.

Clemens had already taken advice and had discussed the project a good deal with Richardson. The ten thousand dollars was a heavy temptation, but he withstood it and closed on the royalty basis—“the best business judgment I ever displayed,” he was wont to declare. A letter written to his mother and sister near the end of this Hartford stay is worth quoting pretty fully here, for the information and “character” it contains. It bears date of January 24th.

Clemens had already sought advice and talked a lot about the project with Richardson. The ten thousand dollars was a strong temptation, but he resisted it and agreed to a royalty arrangement—“the best business decision I ever made,” he often said. A letter he wrote to his mother and sister near the end of his time in Hartford is worth quoting at length here, for the information and “character” it provides. It is dated January 24th.

    This is a good week for me. I stopped in the Herald office, as I
    came through New York, to see the boys on the staff, and young James
    Gordon Bennett asked me to write twice a week, impersonally, for the
    Herald, and said if I would I might have full swing, and about
    anybody and everything I wanted to. I said I must have the very
    fullest possible swing, and he said, “All right.” I said, “It's a
    contract—” and that settled that matter.

    I'll make it a point to write one letter a week anyhow. But the
    best thing that has happened is here. This great American
    Publishing Company kept on trying to bargain with me for a book till
    I thought I would cut the matter short by coming up for a talk. I
    met Henry Ward Beecher in Brooklyn, and with his usual whole-souled
    way of dropping his own work to give other people a lift when he
    gets a chance, he said: “Now, here, you are one of the talented men
    of the age—nobody is going to deny that—but in matters of business
    I don't suppose you know more than enough to come in when it rains.
    I'll tell you what to do and how to do it.” And he did.

    And I listened well, and then came up here and made a splendid
    contract for a Quaker City book of 5 or 600 large pages, with
    illustrations, the manuscript to be placed in the publisher's hands
    by the middle of July.—[The contract was not a formal one. There
    was an exchange of letters agreeing to the terms, but no joint
    document was drawn until October 16 (1868).]—My percentage is to
    be a fourth more than they have ever paid any author except Greeley.
    Beecher will be surprised, I guess, when he hears this.

    These publishers get off the most tremendous editions of their books
    you can imagine. I shall write to the Enterprise and Alta every
    week, as usual, I guess, and to the Herald twice a week,
    occasionally to the Tribune and the magazines (I have a stupid
    article in the Galaxy, just issued), but I am not going to write to
    this and that and the other paper any more.

    I have had a tiptop time here for a few days (guest of Mr. Jno.
    Hooker's family—Beecher's relatives—in a general way of Mr. Bliss
    also, who is head of the publishing firm). Puritans are mighty
    straight-laced, and they won't let me smoke in the parlor, but the
    Almighty don't make any better people.

    I have to make a speech at the annual Herald dinner on the 6th of
    May.
This is a great week for me. I stopped by the Herald office as I was passing through New York to catch up with the staff, and young James Gordon Bennett asked me to write twice a week, in a neutral tone, for the Herald. He said if I did, I could write about anyone and anything I wanted. I told him I needed complete freedom, and he said, “Sure.” I replied, “It’s a deal—” and that settled it.

I’ll definitely write at least one letter a week. But the best news is this: this major American Publishing Company kept trying to negotiate with me for a book, so I decided to speed things up by coming in for a chat. I met Henry Ward Beecher in Brooklyn, and true to his generous nature, he dropped his work to help me out. He said, “Now, you’re one of the talented people of our time—nobody can deny that—but when it comes to business, I don’t think you know much beyond how to stay dry when it rains. Let me give you some advice.” And he did.

I listened carefully, then came up here and secured a fantastic contract for a Quaker City book of 500 or 600 large pages, complete with illustrations, to submit to the publisher by mid-July.—[The contract wasn't formal. We exchanged letters agreeing on the terms, but we didn’t draft a joint document until October 16 (1868).]—My cut will be a quarter more than any author has ever received from them, except for Greeley. I guess Beecher will be surprised when he hears about this.

These publishers produce the most incredible editions of their books you can imagine. I plan to write to the Enterprise and Alta every week as usual, to the Herald twice a week, and occasionally to the Tribune and magazines (I have a dull article in the recently published Galaxy), but I’m not going to write to every single paper anymore.

I’ve been having a great time here for a few days (staying with Mr. Jno. Hooker's family—Beecher’s relatives—and generally with Mr. Bliss, who heads the publishing firm). Puritans are really strict and won’t let me smoke in the parlor, but the Almighty doesn’t make any better people.

I have to give a speech at the annual Herald dinner on May 6.

So the book, which would establish his claim to a peerage in the literary land, was arranged for, and it remained only to prepare the manuscript, a task which he regarded as not difficult. He had only to collate the Alta and Tribune letters, edit them, and write such new matter as would be required for completeness.

So the book, which would solidify his claim to a peerage in the literary world, was planned out, and all that was left was to prepare the manuscript, a task he thought would be easy. He just needed to gather the Alta and Tribune letters, edit them, and add any new content necessary for completeness.

Returning to Washington, he plunged into work with his usual terrific energy, preparing the copy—in the mean time writing newspaper correspondence and sketches that would bring immediate return. In addition to his regular contributions, he entered into a syndicate arrangement with John Swinton (brother of William Swinton, the historian) to supply letters to a list of newspapers.

Returning to Washington, he dove into work with his usual amazing energy, preparing the copy—meanwhile writing newspaper correspondence and sketches that would provide immediate returns. Besides his regular contributions, he entered into a syndicate arrangement with John Swinton (brother of William Swinton, the historian) to supply letters to a list of newspapers.

“I have written seven long newspaper letters and a short magazine article in less than two days,” he wrote home, and by the end of January he had also prepared several chapters of his book.

“I’ve written seven lengthy newspaper letters and a short magazine article in less than two days,” he wrote home, and by the end of January, he had also put together several chapters of his book.

The San Francisco post-mastership was suggested to him again, but he put the temptation behind him. He refers to this more than once in his home letters, and it is clear that he wavered.

The San Francisco post-master position was brought up to him again, but he pushed the temptation aside. He mentions this several times in his letters home, and it's obvious that he hesitated.

    Judge Field said if I wanted the place he could pledge me the
    President's appointment, and Senator Corners said he would guarantee
    me the Senate's confirmation. It was a great temptation, but it
    would render it impossible to fill my book contract, and I had to
    drop the idea....

    And besides I did not want the office.
    Judge Field said that if I wanted the position, he could promise me the President's appointment, and Senator Corners said he would ensure the Senate's confirmation. It was a huge temptation, but it would make it impossible for me to fulfill my book contract, so I had to let go of the idea....

    Plus, I didn't actually want the job.

He made this final decision when he heard that the chief editor of the Alta wanted the place, and he now threw his influence in that quarter. “I would not take ten thousand dollars out of a friend's pocket,” he said.

He made this final decision when he heard that the chief editor of the Alta wanted the position, and he decided to use his influence there. “I wouldn’t take ten thousand dollars out of a friend’s pocket,” he said.

But then suddenly came the news from Goodman that the Alta publishers had copyrighted his Quaker City letters and proposed getting them out in a book, to reimburse themselves still further on their investment. This was sharper than a serpent's tooth. Clemens got confirmation of the report by telegraph. By the same medium he protested, but to no purpose. Then he wrote a letter and sat down to wait. He reported his troubles to Orion:

But then suddenly the news came from Goodman that the Alta publishers had copyrighted his Quaker City letters and planned to release them in a book, to recoup their investment even more. This was worse than a snake bite. Clemens confirmed the report by telegram. He protested through the same means, but it didn’t help. Then he wrote a letter and sat down to wait. He shared his troubles with Orion:

    I have made a superb contract for a book, and have prepared the
    first ten chapters of the sixty or eighty, but I will bet it never
    sees the light. Don't you let the folks at home hear that. That
    thieving Alta copyrighted the letters, and now shows no disposition
    to let me use them. I have done all I can by telegraph, and now
    await the final result by mail. I only charged them for 50 letters
    what (even in) greenbacks would amount to less than two thousand
    dollars, intending to write a good deal for high-priced Eastern
    papers, and now they want to publish my letters in book form
    themselves to get back that pitiful sum.
I’ve signed a great contract for a book and have prepared the first ten chapters out of sixty or eighty, but I bet it’ll never get published. Don’t let anyone back home know that. That thieving Alta copyrighted the letters and now isn’t willing to let me use them. I’ve done everything I can through telegram, and now I’m waiting for the final result by mail. I only charged them for 50 letters, which (even in) greenbacks is less than two thousand dollars, planning to write a lot for high-paying Eastern papers, and now they want to publish my letters as a book themselves just to recoup that measly amount.

Orion was by this time back from Nevada, setting type in St. Louis. He was full of schemes, as usual, and his brother counsels him freely. Then he says:

Orion was back from Nevada by now, setting type in St. Louis. He was full of ideas, as always, and his brother advised him openly. Then he said:

    We chase phantoms half the days of our lives. It is well if we
    learn wisdom even then, and save the other half.

    I am in for it. I must go on chasing them, until I marry, then I am
    done with literature and all other bosh—that is, literature
    wherewith to please the general public.

    I shall write to please myself then.
    We spend half our lives pursuing illusions. It's good if we gain some wisdom along the way and save the other half.

    I'm committed to this. I have to keep chasing them until I get married; then I'm done with literature and all that nonsense—that is, literature meant to please the general public.

    After that, I’ll write to satisfy myself.

He closes by saying that he rather expects to go with Anson Burlingame on the Chinese embassy. Clearly he was pretty hopeless as to his book prospects.

He wraps up by saying that he actually expects to go with Anson Burlingame to the Chinese embassy. Clearly, he felt pretty hopeless about his book prospects.

His first meeting with General Grant occurred just at this time. In one of his home letters he mentions, rather airily, that he will drop in someday on the General for an interview; and at last, through Mrs. Grant, an appointment was made for a Sunday evening when the General would be at home. He was elated with the prospect of an interview; but when he looked into the imperturbable, square, smileless face of the soldier he found himself, for the first time in his life, without anything particular to say. Grant nodded slightly and waited. His caller wished something would happen. It did. His inspiration returned.

His first meeting with General Grant happened around this time. In one of his letters home, he casually mentions that he plans to drop by for an interview with the General someday; finally, with the help of Mrs. Grant, an appointment was set for a Sunday evening when the General would be available. He was excited about the meeting, but when he faced the calm, square, expressionless face of the soldier, he realized he had nothing specific to say for the first time in his life. Grant nodded slightly and waited. His visitor hoped something would break the silence. It did. His inspiration came back.

“General,” he said, “I seem to be a little embarrassed. Are you?”

“General,” he said, “I feel a bit awkward. Do you?”

That broke the ice. There were no further difficulties.—[Mark Twain has variously related this incident. It is given here in accordance with the letters of the period.]

That broke the ice. There were no further difficulties.—[Mark Twain has variously related this incident. It is given here in accordance with the letters of the period.]





LXVI. BACK TO SAN FRANCISCO

Reply came from the Alta, but it was not promising. It spoke rather vaguely of prior arrangements and future possibilities. Clemens gathered that under certain conditions he might share in the profits of the venture. There was but one thing to do; he knew those people—some of them—Colonel McComb and a Mr. McCrellish intimately. He must confer with them in person.

The response from the Alta wasn’t encouraging. It mentioned vague prior agreements and potential future opportunities. Clemens understood that under certain conditions, he might be able to share in the profits of the venture. There was only one thing to do; he knew some of those people—Colonel McComb and a Mr. McCrellish—well. He needed to meet with them in person.

He was weary of Washington, anyway. The whole pitiful machinery of politics disgusted him. In his notebook he wrote:

He was tired of Washington, anyway. The whole pathetic system of politics sickened him. In his notebook, he wrote:

    Whiskey is taken into the committee rooms in demijohns and carried
    out in demagogues.
    Whiskey is brought into the committee rooms in large jars and taken out by politicians.

And in a letter:

In a message:

    This is a place to get a poor opinion of everybody in. There are
    some pitiful intellects in this Congress! There isn't one man in
    Washington in civil office who has the brains of Anson Burlingame,
    and I suppose if China had not seized and saved his great talents to
    the world this government would have discarded him when his time was
    up.—[Anson Burlingame had by this time become China's special
    ambassador to the nations.]
This is a place where you can get a bad view of everyone. There are some really lacking minds in this Congress! Not one man in Washington's civil service has the smarts of Anson Burlingame, and I guess if China hadn't recognized and utilized his great abilities, this government would have let him go when his time was up.—[Anson Burlingame had by this time become China's special ambassador to the nations.]

Furthermore, he was down on the climate of Washington. He decided to go to San Francisco and see “those Alta thieves face to face.” Then, if a book resulted, he could prepare it there among friends. Also, he could lecture.

Furthermore, he was fed up with the atmosphere in Washington. He decided to head to San Francisco and confront "those Alta thieves" in person. Then, if a book came out of it, he could work on it there with friends. Plus, he could give lectures.

He had been anxious to visit his people before sailing, but matters were too urgent to permit delay. He obtained from Bliss an advance of royalty and took passage, by way of Aspinwall, on the sidewheel steamer Henry Chauncey, a fine vessel for those days. The name of Mark Twain was already known on the isthmus, and when it was learned he had arrived on the Chauncey a delegation welcomed him on the wharf, and provided him with refreshments and entertainment. Mr. Tracy Robinson, a poet, long a resident of that southern land, was one of the group. Beyond the isthmus Clemens fell in again with his old captain, Ned Wakeman, who during the trip told him the amazing dream that in due time would become Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven. He made the first draft of this story soon after his arrival in San Francisco, as a sort of travesty of Elizabeth Stuart Phelps's Gates Ajar, then very popular. Clemens, then and later, had a high opinion of Capt. Ned Wakeman's dream, but his story of it would pass through several stages before finally reaching the light of publication.—[Mr. John P. Vollmer, now of Lewiston, Idaho, a companion of that voyage, writes of a card game which took place beyond the isthmus. The notorious crippled gambler, “Smithy,” figured in it, and it would seem to have furnished the inspiration for the exciting story in Chapter XXXVI of the Mississippi book.]

He was eager to see his people before setting sail, but things were too urgent to wait. He got an advance on his royalties from Bliss and booked a trip on the sidewheel steamer Henry Chauncey, a great ship for its time, via Aspinwall. The name Mark Twain was already known on the isthmus, and when word spread that he had arrived on the Chauncey, a group greeted him at the dock with refreshments and entertainment. Mr. Tracy Robinson, a poet who had lived in that southern land for a long time, was part of the welcoming party. Beyond the isthmus, Clemens reconnected with his former captain, Ned Wakeman, who during the journey shared an incredible dream that would later turn into Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven. He wrote the first draft of this story soon after arriving in San Francisco, initially as a parody of Elizabeth Stuart Phelps's popular book Gates Ajar. At that time and later, Clemens held a high regard for Captain Ned Wakeman's dream, but the story would go through several revisions before it was finally published. —[Mr. John P. Vollmer, now of Lewiston, Idaho, a companion on that voyage, recounts a card game that took place beyond the isthmus. The infamous crippled gambler, “Smithy,” was involved, and it seems to have inspired the thrilling story in Chapter XXXVI of the Mississippi book.]

In San Francisco matters turned out as he had hoped. Colonel McComb was his stanch friend; McCrellish and Woodward, the proprietors, presently conceded that they had already received good value for the money paid. The author agreed to make proper acknowledgments to the Alta in his preface, and the matter was settled with friendliness all around.

In San Francisco, things went as he had hoped. Colonel McComb was his loyal friend; McCrellish and Woodward, the owners, soon admitted that they had already gotten good value for the money spent. The author agreed to properly acknowledge the Alta in his preface, and everyone wrapped things up amicably.

The way was now clear, the book assured. First, however, he must provide himself with funds. He delivered a lecture, with the Quaker City excursion as his subject. On the 5th of May he wrote to Bliss:

The path was now clear, the book confirmed. First, though, he needed to secure some money. He gave a lecture, focusing on the Quaker City trip. On May 5th, he wrote to Bliss:

I lectured here on the trip the other night; over $1,600 in gold in the house; every seat taken and paid for before night.

I talked here about the trip the other night; over $1,600 in gold in the house; every seat was filled and paid for before the evening ended.

He reports that he is steadily at work, and expects to start East with the completed manuscript about the middle of June.

He says he’s hard at work and plans to head East with the finished manuscript around mid-June.

But this was a miscalculation. Clemens found that the letters needed more preparation than he had thought. His literary vision and equipment had vastly altered since the beginning of that correspondence. Some of the chapters he rewrote; others he eliminated entirely. It required two months of fairly steady work to put the big manuscript together.

But this was a mistake. Clemens realized that the letters needed more preparation than he expected. His writing style and tools had changed a lot since he started that correspondence. He rewrote some of the chapters; others he cut completely. It took two months of pretty consistent work to compile the big manuscript.

Some of the new chapters he gave to Bret Harte for the Overland Monthly, then recently established. Harte himself was becoming a celebrity about this time. His “Luck of Roaring Camp” and “The Outcasts of Poker Flat,” published in early numbers of the Overland, were making a great stir in the East, arousing there a good deal more enthusiasm than in the magazine office or the city of their publication. That these two friends, each supreme in his own field, should have entered into their heritage so nearly at the same moment, is one of the many seemingly curious coincidences of literary history.

Some of the new chapters he gave to Bret Harte for the Overland Monthly, which had just been established. Harte was becoming a celebrity around this time. His “Luck of Roaring Camp” and “The Outcasts of Poker Flat,” published in the early issues of the Overland, were creating quite a buzz in the East, generating much more excitement there than in the magazine's office or the city where it was published. It’s one of those interesting coincidences in literary history that these two friends, each a master in his own area, entered into their legacy almost simultaneously.

Clemens now concluded to cover his lecture circuit of two years before. He was assured that it would be throwing away a precious opportunity not to give his new lecture to his old friends. The result justified that opinion. At Virginia, at Carson, and elsewhere he was received like a returned conqueror. He might have been accorded a Roman triumph had there been time and paraphernalia. Even the robbers had reformed, and entire safety was guaranteed him on the Divide between Virginia and Gold Hill. At Carson he called on Mrs. Curry, as in the old days, and among other things told her how snow from the Lebanon Mountains is brought to Damascus on the backs of camels.

Clemens decided to revisit his lecture circuit from the past two years. He was convinced that it would be a missed opportunity not to share his new lecture with his old friends. The outcome proved him right. In Virginia, Carson, and other places, he was welcomed like a hero returning from victory. He could have had a Roman-style celebration if there had been enough time and resources. Even the troublemakers had changed their ways, ensuring his safety on the route between Virginia and Gold Hill. In Carson, he visited Mrs. Curry just like before and shared stories, including how snow from the Lebanon Mountains is transported to Damascus on camel backs.

“Sam,” she said, “that's just one of your yarns, and if you tell it in your lecture to-night I'll get right up and say so.”

“Sam,” she said, “that’s just another one of your stories, and if you tell it in your lecture tonight, I’ll stand up and call you out on it.”

But he did tell it, for it was a fact; and though Mrs. Curry did not rise to deny it she shook her finger at him in a way he knew.

But he did say it, because it was true; and even though Mrs. Curry didn't get up to argue, she shook her finger at him in a way he understood.

He returned to San Francisco and gave one more lecture, the last he would ever give in California. His preparatory advertising for that occasion was wholly unique, characteristic of him to the last degree. It assumed the form of a handbill of protest, supposed to have been issued by the foremost citizens of San Francisco, urging him to return to the States without inflicting himself further upon them. As signatures he made free with the names of prominent individuals, followed by those of organizations, institutions, “Various Benevolent Societies, Citizens on Foot and Horseback, and fifteen hundred in the Steerage.”

He went back to San Francisco and gave one last lecture, the final one he would ever deliver in California. His promotional effort for that event was completely one-of-a-kind, showcasing his unique style right until the end. It took the form of a handbill that protested his appearance, supposedly issued by the leading citizens of San Francisco, urging him to head back to the mainland without putting them through any more of his lectures. For signatures, he casually used the names of well-known figures, along with those of various organizations, institutions, “Several Charitable Groups, Citizens on Foot and Horseback, and fifteen hundred in the Steerage.”

Following this (on the same bill) was his reply, “To the fifteen hundred and others,” in which he insisted on another hearing:

Following this (on the same bill) was his reply, “To the fifteen hundred and others,” in which he insisted on another hearing:

    I will torment the people if I want to.... It only costs the people
    $1 apiece, and if they can't stand it what do they stay here for?...
    My last lecture was not as fine as I thought it was, but I have
    submitted this discourse to several able critics, and they have
    pronounced it good. Now, therefore, why should I withhold it?
    I will bother the people if I feel like it.... It only costs everyone 
    $1 each, and if they can't handle it, why are they even here?...
    My last talk wasn't as great as I thought it was, but I've shared 
    this speech with several smart critics, and they said it was good. 
    So, why should I keep it to myself?

He promised positively to sail on the 6th of July if they would let him talk just this once. Continuing, the handbill presented a second protest, signed by the various clubs and business firms; also others bearing variously the signatures of the newspapers, and the clergy, ending with the brief word:

He firmly promised to set sail on July 6th if they would allow him to speak just this once. The handbill went on to show a second protest, signed by different clubs and businesses; it also included signatures from various newspapers and clergy members, concluding with the brief word:

    You had better go.  Yours,  CHIEF OF POLICE.
    You should get going.  Yours,  CHIEF OF POLICE.

All of which drollery concluded with his announcement of place and date of his lecture, with still further gaiety at the end. Nothing short of a seismic cataclysm—an earthquake, in fact—could deter a San Francisco audience after that. Mark Twain's farewell address, given at the Mercantile Library July 2 (1868), doubtless remains today the leading literary event in San Francisco's history.—[Copy of the lecture announcement, complete, will be found in Appendix H, at the end of last volume.]

All of this humor wrapped up with his announcement of the time and place of his lecture, with even more cheerfulness at the end. Nothing short of a massive disaster—an earthquake, in fact—could stop a San Francisco audience after that. Mark Twain's farewell address, delivered at the Mercantile Library on July 2 (1868), undoubtedly still stands as the most significant literary event in San Francisco's history.—[Copy of the lecture announcement, complete, will be found in Appendix H, at the end of the last volume.]

He sailed July 6th by the Pacific mail steamer Montana to Acapulco, caught the Henry Chauncey at Aspinwall, reached New York on the 28th, and a day or two later had delivered his manuscript at Hartford.

He set sail on July 6th on the Pacific mail steamer Montana to Acapulco, caught the Henry Chauncey at Aspinwall, arrived in New York on the 28th, and a day or two later delivered his manuscript in Hartford.

But a further difficulty had arisen. Bliss was having troubles himself, this time, with his directors. Many reports of Mark Twain's new book had been traveling the rounds of the press, some of which declared it was to be irreverent, even blasphemous, in tone. The title selected, The New Pilgrim's Progress, was in itself a sacrilege. Hartford was a conservative place; the American Publishing Company directors were of orthodox persuasion. They urged Bliss to relieve the company of this impending disaster of heresy. When the author arrived one or more of them labored with him in person, without avail. As for Bliss, he was stanch; he believed in the book thoroughly, from every standpoint. He declared if the company refused to print it he would resign the management and publish the book himself. This was an alarming suggestion to the stockholders. Bliss had returned dividends—a boon altogether too rare in the company's former history. The objectors retired and were heard of no more. The manuscript was placed in the hands of Fay and Cox, illustrators, with an order for about two hundred and fifty pictures.

But an additional issue had come up. Bliss was dealing with problems of his own, this time with his directors. Many reports about Mark Twain's new book had been circulating in the press, some claiming it was going to be irreverent, even blasphemous, in tone. The chosen title, The New Pilgrim's Progress, was considered sacrilegious. Hartford was a conservative place, and the directors of the American Publishing Company held orthodox views. They urged Bliss to spare the company from this looming disaster of heresy. When the author arrived, one or more of them tried to negotiate with him in person, but to no avail. As for Bliss, he was steadfast; he believed in the book wholeheartedly from every angle. He declared that if the company refused to publish it, he would resign from management and publish the book himself. This was a concerning suggestion to the stockholders. Bliss had delivered dividends—a benefit that had been all too rare in the company’s past. The objectors backed down and were never heard from again. The manuscript was handed over to Fay and Cox, the illustrators, with an order for about two hundred and fifty illustrations.

Fay and Cox turned it over to True Williams, one of the well-known illustrators of that day. Williams was a man of great talent—of fine imagination and sweetness of spirit—but it was necessary to lock him in a room when industry was required, with nothing more exciting than cold water as a beverage. Clemens himself aided in the illustrating by obtaining of Moses S. Beach photographs from the large collection he had brought home.

Fay and Cox handed it over to True Williams, one of the popular illustrators of that time. Williams was incredibly talented—full of imagination and a kind spirit—but he needed to be locked in a room when it was time to work, with nothing more stimulating than cold water to drink. Clemens himself helped with the illustrations by getting photographs from Moses S. Beach's extensive collection that he had brought back.





LXVII. A VISIT TO ELMIRA

Meantime he had skilfully obtained a renewal of the invitation to spend a week in the Langdon home.

In the meantime, he had cleverly secured a renewed invitation to spend a week at the Langdon home.

He meant to go by a fast train, but, with his natural gift for misunderstanding time-tables, of course took a slow one, telegraphing his approach from different stations along the road. Young Langdon concluded to go down the line as far as Waverly to meet him. When the New York train reached there the young man found his guest in the smoking-car, travel-stained and distressingly clad. Mark Twain was always scrupulously neat and correct of dress in later years, but in that earlier day neatness and style had not become habitual and did not give him comfort. Langdon greeted him warmly but with doubt. Finally he summoned courage to say, hesitatingly—“You've got some other clothes, haven't you?”

He intended to take a fast train, but, thanks to his natural talent for misreading schedules, he ended up on a slow one, sending messages about his arrival from various stations along the way. Young Langdon decided to head down the line to Waverly to meet him. When the New York train arrived, the young man found his guest in the smoking car, looking worn from travel and poorly dressed. Mark Twain was always very neat and stylish in later years, but back then, neatness and style weren’t habits for him and didn’t provide him comfort. Langdon greeted him warmly but with some uncertainty. Finally, he mustered the courage to ask, hesitantly—“You’ve got some other clothes, right?”

The arriving guest was not in the least disturbed.

The arriving guest was not at all bothered.

“Oh yes,” he said with enthusiasm, “I've got a fine brand-new outfit in this bag, all but a hat. It will be late when we get in, and I won't see any one to-night. You won't know me in the morning. We'll go out early and get a hat.”

“Oh yes,” he said excitedly, “I have an awesome brand-new outfit in this bag, except for a hat. It’ll be late when we arrive, and I won’t see anyone tonight. You won’t recognize me in the morning. We’ll head out early and get a hat.”

This was a large relief to the younger man, and the rest of the journey was happy enough. True to promise, the guest appeared at daylight correctly, even elegantly clad, and an early trip to the shops secured the hat. A gay and happy week followed—a week during which Samuel Clemens realized more fully than ever that in his heart there was room for only one woman in all the world: Olivia Langdon—“Livy,” as they all called her—and as the day of departure drew near it may be that the gentle girl had made some discoveries, too.

This was a huge relief to the younger man, and the rest of the trip was pretty enjoyable. True to his word, the guest showed up at dawn, dressed nicely and even stylishly, and an early trip to the shops secured the hat. A fun and joyful week followed—a week during which Samuel Clemens realized more than ever that in his heart there was room for only one woman in the entire world: Olivia Langdon—“Livy,” as everyone called her—and as the departure day approached, it’s possible that the sweet girl had made some discoveries, too.

No word had passed between them. Samuel Clemens had the old-fashioned Southern respect for courtship conventions, and for what, in that day at least, was regarded as honor. On the morning of the final day he said to young Langdon:

No words had been exchanged between them. Samuel Clemens had the old-school Southern respect for dating traditions and for what was considered honorable at that time. On the morning of the last day, he said to young Langdon:

“Charley, my week is up, and I must go home.”

“Charley, my week is over, and I have to go home.”

The young man expressed a regret which was genuine enough, though not wholly unqualified. His older sister, Mrs. Crane, leaving just then for a trip to the White Mountains, had said:

The young man showed real regret, even if it wasn't completely unqualified. His older sister, Mrs. Crane, was just leaving for a trip to the White Mountains and had said:

“Charley, I am sure Mr. Clemens is after our Livy. You mustn't let him carry her off before our return.”

“Charley, I’m sure Mr. Clemens is after our Livy. You can’t let him take her away before we get back.”

The idea was a disturbing one. The young man did not urge his guest to prolong his-visit. He said:

The idea was unsettling. The young man didn't encourage his guest to stay longer. He said:

“We'll have to stand it, I guess, but you mustn't leave before to-night.”

“We'll have to deal with it, I guess, but you can't leave until tonight.”

“I ought to go by the first train,” Clemens said, gloomily. “I am in love.”

“I should take the first train,” Clemens said, dejectedly. “I’m in love.”

“In what!”

“In what?!”

“In love-with your sister, and I ought to get away from here.”

“In love with your sister, and I should get out of here.”

The young man was now very genuinely alarmed. To him Mark Twain was a highly gifted, fearless, robust man—a man's man—and as such altogether admirable—lovable. But Olivia—Livy—she was to him little short of a saint. No man was good enough for her, certainly not this adventurous soldier of letters from the West. Delightful he was beyond doubt, adorable as a companion, but not a companion for Livy.

The young man was now truly alarmed. To him, Mark Twain was a highly talented, fearless, strong man—someone real—and completely admirable—lovable. But Olivia—Livy—was almost like a saint to him. No man was good enough for her, especially not this daring writer from the West. He was undoubtedly charming and a great companion, but not the right companion for Livy.

“Look here, Clemens,” he said, when he could get his voice. “There's a train in half an hour. I'll help you catch it. Don't wait till to-night. Go now.”

“Hey, Clemens,” he said, once he could speak again. “There's a train in half an hour. I'll help you catch it. Don’t wait until tonight. Go now.”

Clemens shook his head.

Clemens shook his head.

“No, Charley,” he said, in his gentle drawl, “I want to enjoy your hospitality a little longer. I promise to be circumspect, and I'll go to-night.”

“No, Charley,” he said in his gentle drawl, “I want to enjoy your hospitality a little longer. I promise to be careful, and I'll leave tonight.”

That night, after dinner, when it was time to take the New York train, a light two-seated wagon was at the gate. The coachman was in front, and young Langdon and his guest took the back seat. For some reason the seat had not been locked in its place, and when, after the good-bys, the coachman touched the horse it made a quick spring forward, and the back seat, with both passengers, described a half-circle and came down with force on the cobbled street. Neither passenger was seriously hurt; Clemens not at all—only dazed a little for a moment. Then came an inspiration; here was a chance to prolong his visit. Evidently it was not intended that he should take that train. When the Langdon household gathered around with restoratives he did not recover too quickly. He allowed them to support or carry him into the house and place him in an arm-chair and apply remedies. The young daughter of the house especially showed anxiety and attention. This was pure happiness. He was perjuring himself, of course, but they say Jove laughs at such things.

That night, after dinner, when it was time to catch the New York train, a light two-seater carriage was waiting at the gate. The driver was upfront, and young Langdon and his guest sat in the back. For some reason, the seat hadn’t been secured, and when the driver urged the horse to move, it suddenly sprang forward, causing the back seat—with both passengers—to swing around and hit the cobblestone street with a thud. Neither passenger was seriously hurt; Clemens wasn’t hurt at all—just a little dazed for a moment. Then an idea struck him; this was a chance to extend his visit. Clearly, he wasn’t meant to catch that train. As the Langdon family gathered around with refreshments, he didn’t recover too quickly. He let them help or carry him into the house, where they set him in an armchair and applied remedies. The young daughter of the house showed particular concern and care. This was pure joy. He was definitely deceiving them, but they say the gods have a good laugh at such things.

He recovered in a day or two, but the wide hospitality of the handsome Langdon home was not only offered now; it was enforced. He was still there two weeks later, after which he made a trip to Cleveland to confide in Mrs. Fairbanks how he intended to win Livy Langdon for his wife.

He bounced back in a day or two, but the warm welcome of the attractive Langdon home wasn't just offered; it was insisted upon. He was still there two weeks later, after which he took a trip to Cleveland to share with Mrs. Fairbanks how he planned to win Livy Langdon as his wife.





LXVIII. THE REV. “JOE” TWICHELL.

He returned to Hartford to look after the progress of his book. Some of it was being put into type, and with his mechanical knowledge of such things he was naturally interested in the process.

He returned to Hartford to check on the progress of his book. Some of it was being set in type, and with his technical knowledge of these things, he was naturally interested in the process.

He made his headquarters with the Blisses, then living at 821 Asylum Avenue, and read proof in a little upper room, where the lamp was likely to be burning most of the time, where the atmosphere was nearly always blue with smoke, and the window-sill full of cigar butts. Mrs. Bliss took him into the quiet social life of the neighborhood—to small church receptions, society gatherings and the like—all of which he seemed to enjoy. Most of the dwellers in that neighborhood were members of the Asylum Hill Congregational Church, then recently completed; all but the spire. It was a cultured circle, well-off in the world's goods, its male members, for the most part, concerned in various commercial ventures.

He set up his headquarters with the Blisses, who were living at 821 Asylum Avenue, and worked on proofs in a small upstairs room, where the lamp was usually on, the air was almost always filled with smoke, and the window sill was cluttered with cigar butts. Mrs. Bliss introduced him to the quiet social life of the neighborhood—small church receptions, social gatherings, and similar events—all of which he seemed to enjoy. Most of the residents in that area were members of the Asylum Hill Congregational Church, which had recently been built, except for the spire. It was a cultured community, reasonably well-off, with most of the men involved in various business ventures.

The church stood almost across the way from the Bliss home, and Mark Twain, with his picturesque phrasing, referred to it as the “stub-tailed church,” on account of its abbreviated spire; also, later, with a knowledge of its prosperous membership, as the “Church of the Holy Speculators.” He was at an evening reception in the home of one of its members when he noticed a photograph of the unfinished building framed and hanging on the wall.

The church stood nearly across from the Bliss home, and Mark Twain, with his vivid wording, called it the “stub-tailed church,” because of its short spire; later, knowing about its thriving congregation, he called it the “Church of the Holy Speculators.” He was at an evening reception at one of its members' homes when he noticed a framed photograph of the unfinished building hanging on the wall.

“Why, yes,” he commented, in his slow fashion, “this is the 'Church of the Holy Speculators.'”

“Sure,” he said slowly, “this is the 'Church of the Holy Speculators.'”

“Sh,” cautioned Mrs. Bliss. “Its pastor is just behind you. He knows your work and wants to meet you.” Turning, she said: “Mr. Twichell, this is Mr. Clemens. Most people know him as Mark Twain.”

“Sh,” Mrs. Bliss warned. “The pastor is right behind you. He knows your work and wants to meet you.” Turning, she said: “Mr. Twichell, this is Mr. Clemens. Most people know him as Mark Twain.”

And so, in this casual fashion, he met the man who was presently to become his closest personal friend and counselor, and would remain so for more than forty years.

And so, in this laid-back way, he met the man who was soon to become his closest personal friend and advisor, and would stay that way for more than forty years.

Joseph Hopkins Twichell was a man about his own age, athletic and handsome, a student and a devout Christian, yet a man familiar with the world, fond of sports, with an exuberant sense of humor and a wide understanding of the frailties of humankind. He had been “port waist oar” at Yale, and had left college to serve with General “Dan” Sickles as a chaplain who had followed his duties not only in the camp, but on the field.

Joseph Hopkins Twichell was a man of his own age, athletic and good-looking, a student and a devoted Christian, yet someone who knew the world well, enjoyed sports, had a lively sense of humor, and a deep understanding of human weaknesses. He had been the “port waist oar” at Yale and had left college to serve as a chaplain with General “Dan” Sickles, fulfilling his duties not only in camp but also on the battlefield.

Mention has already been made of Mark Twain's natural leaning toward ministers of the gospel, and the explanation of it is easier to realize than to convey. He was hopelessly unorthodox—rankly rebellious as to creeds. Anything resembling cant or the curtailment of mental liberty roused only his resentment and irony. Yet something in his heart always warmed toward any laborer in the vineyard, and if we could put the explanation into a single sentence, perhaps we might say it was because he could meet them on that wide, common ground sympathy with mankind. Mark Twain's creed, then and always, may be put into three words, “liberty, justice, humanity.” It may be put into one word, “humanity.”

Mark Twain's natural inclination towards ministers has already been mentioned, and it's easier to understand than to explain. He was completely unorthodox—deeply resistant to established beliefs. Anything that seemed like pretentiousness or restricted freedom of thought only drew his irritation and sarcasm. Still, he always felt a warm connection to anyone working for the greater good, and if we had to sum it up in one sentence, it would be because he found common ground in his compassion for humanity. Twain's beliefs can always be summed up in three words: "liberty, justice, humanity." It can also be summed up in one word: "humanity."

Ministers always loved Mark Twain. They did not always approve of him, but they adored him: The Rev. Mr. Rising, of the Comstock, was an early example of his ministerial friendships, and we have seen that Henry Ward Beecher cultivated his company. In a San Francisco letter of two years before, Mark Twain wrote his mother, thinking it would please her:

Ministers always loved Mark Twain. They didn’t always agree with him, but they adored him: The Rev. Mr. Rising, from the Comstock, was an early example of his friendships with ministers, and we’ve seen that Henry Ward Beecher enjoyed his company. In a letter from San Francisco two years earlier, Mark Twain wrote to his mother, thinking it would make her happy:

I am as thick as thieves with the Reverend Stebbins. I am laying for the Reverend Scudder and the Reverend Doctor Stone. I am running on preachers now altogether, and I find them gay.

I’m tight with Reverend Stebbins. I’m watching for Reverend Scudder and Reverend Doctor Stone. I’m focused on preachers lately, and I find them amusing.

So it may be that his first impulse toward Joseph Twichell was due to the fact that he was a young member of that army whose mission is to comfort and uplift mankind. But it was only a little time till the impulse had grown into a friendship that went beyond any profession or doctrine, a friendship that ripened into a permanent admiration and love for “Joe” Twichell himself, as one of the noblest specimens of his race.

So it might be that his first instinct towards Joseph Twichell was because he was a young member of that group dedicated to comforting and uplifting humanity. But it didn’t take long for that instinct to evolve into a friendship that transcended any profession or belief, a friendship that developed into lasting admiration and love for “Joe” Twichell himself, as one of the finest examples of his kind.

He was invited to the Twichell home, where he met the young wife and got a glimpse of the happiness of that sweet and peaceful household. He had a neglected, lonely look, and he loved to gather with them at their fireside. He expressed his envy of their happiness, and Mrs. Twichell asked him why, since his affairs were growing prosperous, he did not establish a household of his own. Long afterward Mr. Twichell wrote:

He was invited to the Twichell home, where he met the young wife and got a glimpse of the happiness of that sweet and peaceful household. He had a neglected, lonely look, and he loved to gather with them at their fireside. He expressed his envy of their happiness, and Mrs. Twichell asked him why, since his affairs were growing prosperous, he did not establish a household of his own. Long afterward Mr. Twichell wrote:

    Mark made no answer for a little, but, with his eyes bent on the
    floor, appeared to be deeply pondering. Then he looked up, and said
    slowly, in a voice tremulous with earnestness (with what sympathy he
    was heard may be imagined): “I am taking thought of it. I am in
    love beyond all telling with the dearest and best girl in the whole
    world. I don't suppose she will marry me. I can't think it
    possible. She ought not to. But if she doesn't I shall be sure
    that the best thing I ever did was to fall in love with her, and
    proud to have it known that I tried to win her!”
 
    Mark didn’t respond for a moment, but with his eyes focused on the floor, he seemed to be deep in thought. Then he looked up and said slowly, his voice shaky with sincerity (you can imagine how sympathetic it sounded): “I’m thinking about it. I’m in love more than words can express with the sweetest and best girl in the whole world. I really don’t think she’ll marry me. It doesn’t seem possible. She shouldn’t. But if she doesn’t, I’ll always know that the best thing I ever did was fall in love with her, and I’ll be proud to say I tried to win her!”

It was only a brief time until the Twichell fireside was home to him. He came and went, and presently it was “Mark” and “Joe,” as by and by it would be “Livy” and “Harmony,” and in a few years “Uncle Joe” and “Uncle Mark,” “Aunt Livy” and “Aunt Harmony,” and so would remain until the end.

It wasn't long before the Twichell household felt like home to him. He came and went, and soon it was “Mark” and “Joe,” which eventually turned into “Livy” and “Harmony,” and in a few years it became “Uncle Joe” and “Uncle Mark,” “Aunt Livy” and “Aunt Harmony,” and that’s how it stayed until the end.





LXIX. A LECTURE TOUR

James Redpath, proprietor of the Boston Lyceum Bureau, was the leading lecture agent of those days, and controlled all, or nearly all, of the platform celebrities. Mark Twain's success at the Cooper Union the year before had interested Redpath. He had offered engagements then and later, but Clemens had not been free for the regular circuit. Now there was no longer a reason for postponement of a contract. Redpath was eager for the new celebrity, and Clemens closed with him for the season of 1868-9. With his new lecture, “The Vandal Abroad,” he was presently earning a hundred dollars and more a night, and making most of the nights count.

James Redpath, the owner of the Boston Lyceum Bureau, was the top lecture agent of the time and managed almost all the prominent speakers. Mark Twain's success at Cooper Union the previous year had caught Redpath's attention. He had proposed speaking engagements then and later, but Clemens had been unavailable for the regular circuit. Now there was no reason to delay signing a contract any longer. Redpath was eager for the new star, and Clemens agreed to a deal for the 1868-69 season. With his new lecture, “The Vandal Abroad,” he was soon earning over a hundred dollars a night and making most of those nights count.

This was affluence indeed. He had become suddenly a person of substance-an associate of men of consequence, with a commensurate income. He could help his mother lavishly now, and he did.

This was real wealth. He had suddenly become someone substantial—an associate of influential people, with an income that matched. He could now generously support his mother, and he did.

His new lecture was immensely popular. It was a resume of the 'Quaker City' letters—a foretaste of the book which would presently follow. Wherever he went, he was hailed with eager greetings. He caught such drifting exclamations as, “There he is! There goes Mark Twain!” People came out on the street to see him pass. That marvelous miracle which we variously call “notoriety,” “popularity,” “fame,” had come to him. In his notebook he wrote, “Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident; the only, earthly certainty oblivion.”

His new lecture was incredibly popular. It was a summary of the 'Quaker City' letters—a preview of the book that was set to follow. Wherever he went, he was greeted with enthusiasm. He heard excited exclamations like, “There he is! There goes Mark Twain!” People came out onto the street to watch him walk by. The amazing phenomenon that we often refer to as “notoriety,” “popularity,” or “fame” had arrived for him. In his notebook, he wrote, “Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.”

The newspapers were filled with enthusiasm both as to his matter and method. His delivery was described as a “long, monotonous drawl, with the fun invariably coming in at the end of a sentence—after a pause.” His appearance at this time is thus set down:

The newspapers were filled with excitement about both his content and style. His delivery was described as a “long, monotonous drawl, with the humor usually coming at the end of a sentence—after a pause.” His appearance at this time is thus noted:

    Mark Twain is a man of medium height, about five feet ten, sparsely
    built, with dark reddish-brown hair and mustache. His features are
    fair, his eyes keen and twinkling. He dresses in scrupulous evening
    attire. In lecturing he hangs about the desk, leaning on it or
    flirting around the corners of it, then marching and countermarching
    in the rear of it. He seldom casts a glance at his manuscript.
    Mark Twain is of average height, around five feet ten, slimly built, with dark reddish-brown hair and a mustache. His features are fair, and his eyes are sharp and sparkling. He dresses impeccably in formal evening wear. When he gives a lecture, he leans on the desk or moves around its corners, occasionally pacing back and forth behind it. He rarely looks at his notes.

No doubt this fairly presents Mark Twain, the lecturer of that day. It was a new figure on the platform, a man with a new method. As to his manuscript, the item might have said that he never consulted it at all. He learned his lecture; what he consulted was merely a series of hieroglyphics, a set of crude pictures drawn by himself, suggestive of the subject-matter underneath new head. Certain columns represented the Parthenon; the Sphinx meant Egypt, and so on. His manuscript lay there in case of accident, but the accident did not happen.

There’s no doubt this captures Mark Twain, the speaker of that time. He was a fresh presence on stage, a man with a new approach. As for his notes, it could have mentioned that he rarely referred to them at all. He memorized his lecture; what he looked at was just a series of symbols, a collection of simple sketches he made himself, hinting at the topics he was covering. Some drawings represented the Parthenon, the Sphinx symbolized Egypt, and so forth. His notes were there just in case something went wrong, but that never happened.

A number of his engagements were in the central part of New York, at points not far distant from Elmira. He had a standing invitation to visit the Langdon home, and he made it convenient to avail himself of that happiness.

Several of his commitments were in the central part of New York, close to Elmira. He had a constant invitation to visit the Langdon household, and he made it a point to take advantage of that joy.

His was not an unruffled courtship. When at last he reached the point of proposing for the daughter of the house, neither the daughter nor the household offered any noticeable encouragement to his suit. Many absurd anecdotes have been told of his first interview with Mr. Langdon on the subject, but they are altogether without foundation. It was a proper and dignified discussion of a very serious matter. Mr. Langdon expressed deep regard for him and friendship but he was not inclined to add him to the family; the young lady herself, in a general way, accorded with these views. The applicant for favor left sadly enough, but he could not remain discouraged or sad. He lectured at Cleveland with vast success, and the news of it traveled quickly to Elmira. He was referred to by Cleveland papers as a “lion” and “the coming man of the age.” Two days later, in Pittsburgh (November 19th), he “played” against Fanny Kemble, the favorite actress of that time, with the result that Miss Kemble had an audience of two hundred against nearly ten times the number who gathered to hear Mark Twain. The news of this went to Elmira, too. It was in the papers there next morning; surely this was a conquering hero—a gay Lochinvar from out of the West—and the daughter of the house must be guarded closely, that he did not bear her away. It was on the second morning following the Pittsburgh triumph, when the Langdon family were gathered at breakfast, that a bushy auburn head poked fearfully in at the door, and a low, humble voice said:

His courtship was far from smooth. When he finally got around to proposing to the daughter of the house, neither she nor her family showed any real support for his intentions. Plenty of ridiculous stories have been told about his first meeting with Mr. Langdon regarding the proposal, but they are completely untrue. It was a respectful and serious conversation about an important issue. Mr. Langdon conveyed his genuine affection and friendship for him, but he wasn’t interested in adding him to the family. The young lady herself generally agreed with her father’s stance. The hopeful suitor left feeling quite down, but he couldn’t allow himself to stay discouraged. He gave a successful lecture in Cleveland, and news of it spread quickly to Elmira. The Cleveland newspapers referred to him as a “lion” and “the coming man of the age.” Two days later, in Pittsburgh (November 19th), he performed against Fanny Kemble, the popular actress of the time, resulting in Miss Kemble attracting two hundred audience members compared to nearly ten times as many who came to see Mark Twain. This news made its way to Elmira as well. It was in the papers there the next morning; surely here was a conquering hero—a charming Lochinvar from the West—and the daughter of the house needed to be watched closely so he wouldn’t sweep her away. On the second morning after the triumph in Pittsburgh, while the Langdon family was having breakfast, a bushy auburn head timidly poked through the door, and a soft, humble voice said:

“The calf has returned; may the prodigal have some breakfast?”

“The calf is back; can the prodigal have some breakfast?”

No one could be reserved or reprovingly distant, or any of those unfriendly things with a person like that; certainly not Jervis Langdon, who delighted in the humor and the tricks and turns and oddities of this eccentric visitor. Giving his daughter to him was another matter, but even that thought was less disturbing than it had been at the start. In truth, the Langdon household had somehow grown to feel that he belonged to them. The elder sister's husband, Theodore Crane, endorsed him fully. He had long before read some of the Mark Twain sketches that had traveled eastward in advance of their author, and had recognized, even in the crudest of them, a classic charm. As for Olivia Langdon's mother and sister, their happiness lay in hers. Where her heart went theirs went also, and it would appear that her heart, in spite of herself, had found its rightful keeper. Only young Langdon was irreconciled, and eventually set out for a voyage around the world to escape the situation.

No one could be standoffish or judgmental, or any of those unfriendly things with someone like that; definitely not Jervis Langdon, who enjoyed the humor, antics, and quirks of this eccentric guest. Giving his daughter to him was another story, but even that idea was less troubling than it had been at first. In fact, the Langdon family had grown to feel like he was one of them. The elder sister's husband, Theodore Crane, fully supported him. He had read some of Mark Twain's sketches that had come east before Twain did and recognized a classic charm in even the roughest of them. As for Olivia Langdon's mother and sister, their happiness depended on hers. Where her heart went, theirs followed, and it seemed that her heart, despite her reservations, had found its rightful match. Only young Langdon was unhappy about it and eventually set off on a trip around the world to escape the situation.

There was only a provisional engagement at first. Jervis Langdon suggested, and Samuel Clemens agreed with him, that it was proper to know something of his past, as well as of his present, before the official parental sanction should be given. When Mr. Langdon inquired as to the names of persons of standing to whom he might write for credentials, Clemens pretty confidently gave him the name of the Reverend Stebbins and others of San Francisco, adding that he might write also to Joe Goodman if he wanted to, but that he had lied for Goodman a hundred times and Goodman would lie for him if necessary, so his testimony would be of no value. The letters to the clergy were written, and Mr. Langdon also wrote one on his own account.

There was only a temporary engagement at first. Jervis Langdon suggested, and Samuel Clemens agreed, that it was important to know something about his past, as well as his present, before official approval from the parents was given. When Mr. Langdon asked for the names of reputable people he could contact for references, Clemens confidently mentioned the Reverend Stebbins and others from San Francisco. He also said Mr. Langdon could reach out to Joe Goodman if he wanted, but warned that he had covered for Goodman a hundred times and Goodman would do the same for him if needed, so his reference wouldn't hold much weight. The letters to the clergy were written, and Mr. Langdon also wrote one on his own.

It was a long mail-trip to the Coast and back in those days. It might be two months before replies would come from those ministers. The lecturer set out again on his travels, and was radiantly and happily busy. He went as far west as Illinois, had crowded houses in Chicago, visited friends and kindred in Hannibal, St. Louis, and Keokuk, carrying the great news, and lecturing in old familiar haunts.

It was a long mail trip to the Coast and back in those days. It might take two months for replies to come from those ministers. The lecturer set out again on his travels and was happily busy. He went as far west as Illinois, had packed audiences in Chicago, visited friends and family in Hannibal, St. Louis, and Keokuk, sharing the big news and lecturing in old familiar places.





LXX. INNOCENTS AT HOME—AND “THE INNOCENTS ABROAD”

He was in Jacksonville, Illinois, at the end of January (1869), and in a letter to Bliss states that he will be in Elmira two days later, and asks that proofs of the book be sent there. He arrived at the Langdon home, anxious to hear the reports that would make him, as the novels might say, “the happiest or the most miserable of men.” Jervis Langdon had a rather solemn look when they were alone together. Clemens asked:

He was in Jacksonville, Illinois, at the end of January (1869), and in a letter to Bliss he mentioned that he would be in Elmira two days later, asking that the proofs of the book be sent there. He arrived at the Langdon home, eager to hear the news that would make him, as the novels might say, “the happiest or the most miserable of men.” Jervis Langdon had a rather serious expression when they were alone together. Clemens asked:

“You've heard from those gentlemen out there?”

“You've heard from those guys out there?”

“Yes, and from another gentleman I wrote concerning you.”

“Yes, and I received a message about you from another gentleman.”

“They don't appear to have been very enthusiastic, from your manner.”

"They don't seem to be very enthusiastic, based on how you're acting."

“Well, yes, some of them were.”

“Well, yes, some of them were.”

“I suppose I may ask what particular form their emotion took?”

“I guess I can ask what specific form their emotion took?”

“Oh yes, yes; they agree unanimously that you are a brilliant, able man, a man with a future, and that you would make about the worst husband on record.”

“Oh yes, yes; they all agree that you are a brilliant, capable guy, someone with a promising future, but they also think you would be one of the worst husbands ever.”

The applicant for favor had a forlorn look.

The person asking for a favor had a sad expression.

“There's nothing very evasive about that,” he said:

"That's not really vague at all," he said:

There was a period of reflective silence. It was probably no more than a few seconds, but it seemed longer.

There was a moment of thoughtful silence. It lasted maybe just a few seconds, but it felt longer.

“Haven't you any other friend that you could suggest?” Langdon said.

“Haven't you got any other friends you could recommend?” Langdon said.

“Apparently none whose testimony would be valuable.”

“Looks like there’s no one whose testimony would matter.”

Jervis Langdon held out his hand. “You have at least one,” he said. “I believe in you. I know you better than they do.”

Jervis Langdon extended his hand. “You have at least one,” he said. “I believe in you. I know you better than they do.”

And so came the crown of happiness. The engagement of Samuel Langhorne Clemens and Olivia Lewis Langdon was ratified next day, February 4, 1869.

And so came the crown of happiness. The engagement of Samuel Langhorne Clemens and Olivia Lewis Langdon was confirmed the next day, February 4, 1869.

But if the friends of Mark Twain viewed the idea of the marriage with scant favor, the friends of Miss Langdon regarded it with genuine alarm. Elmira was a conservative place—a place of pedigree and family tradition; that a stranger, a former printer, pilot, miner, wandering journalist and lecturer, was to carry off the daughter of one of the oldest and wealthiest families, was a thing not to be lightly permitted. The fact that he had achieved a national fame did not count against other considerations. The social protest amounted almost to insurrection, but it was not availing. The Langdon family had their doubts too, though of a different sort. Their doubts lay in the fear that one, reared as their daughter had been, might be unable to hold a place as the wife of this intellectual giant, whom they felt that the world was preparing to honor. That this delicate, sheltered girl could have the strength of mind and body for her position seemed hard to believe. Their faith overbore such questionings, and the future years proved how fully it was justified.

But while Mark Twain’s friends were not too keen on the idea of the marriage, Miss Langdon’s friends were genuinely alarmed. Elmira was a conservative town, rooted in pedigree and family tradition. The thought of a stranger—a former printer, pilot, miner, wandering journalist, and lecturer—taking the daughter of one of the oldest and wealthiest families was not something to be taken lightly. His national fame didn’t help address other concerns either. The social pushback was almost like a rebellion, but it didn’t succeed. The Langdon family had their own worries, though they were different. They feared that someone raised like their daughter might struggle to fit into the role of wife to this intellectual giant, whom they believed the world was getting ready to celebrate. It was hard to believe that this delicate, sheltered girl could possess the mental and physical strength for her position. However, their faith overcame such doubts, and the years that followed proved that their belief was entirely justified.

To his mother Samuel Clemens wrote:

To his mom, Samuel Clemens wrote:

    She is only a little body, but she hasn't her peer in Christendom.
    I gave her only a plain gold engagement ring, when fashion
    imperatively demands a two-hundred-dollar diamond one, and told her
    it was typical of her future life-namely, that she would have to
    flourish on substance, rather than luxuries (but you see I know the
    girl—she don't care anything about luxuries).... She spends no
    money but her astral year's allowance, and spends nearly every cent
    of that on other people. She will be a good, sensible little wife,
    without any airs about her. I don't make intercession for her
    beforehand, and ask you to love her, for there isn't any use in
    that—you couldn't help it if you were to try. I warn you that
    whoever comes within the fatal influence of her beautiful nature is
    her willing slave forevermore.
    She’s just a little person, but there’s no one like her in the world. I only gave her a simple gold engagement ring, when everyone else expects a two-hundred-dollar diamond, and I told her it represents her future—meaning she’ll thrive on what matters, not on luxury (but I know her well—she doesn't care about luxury at all).... She only spends the allowance she gets for the year, and almost all of it goes to other people. She’ll be a good, practical wife, without any pretensions. I don’t make any pleas for you to love her in advance, because it’s pointless—you wouldn’t be able to help it even if you tried. I’ll warn you that anyone who comes under the enchanting spell of her beautiful nature is her devoted admirer for life.

To Mrs. Crane, absent in March, her father wrote:

To Mrs. Crane, who was away in March, her father wrote:

    DEAR SUE,—I received your letter yesterday with a great deal of
    pleasure, but the letter has gone in pursuit of one S. L. Clemens,
    who has been giving us a great deal of trouble lately. We cannot
    have a joy in our family without a feeling, on the part of the
    little incorrigible in our family, that this wanderer must share it,
    so, as soon as read, into her pocket and off upstairs goes your
    letter, and in the next two minutes into the mail, so it is
    impossible for me now to refer to it, or by reading it over gain an
    inspiration in writing you...
    DEAR SUE,—I got your letter yesterday and was really happy to receive it, but the letter has gone off in search of one S. L. Clemens, who has been causing us a lot of trouble lately. We can't enjoy anything in our family without the little troublemaker feeling like this wanderer needs to be included, so as soon as I read it, it went right into her pocket and she took off upstairs with it, and within two minutes, it was in the mail. So now I can't refer back to it or get inspired to write to you again by rereading it...

Clemens closed his lecture tour in March, acid went immediately to Elmira. He had lectured between fifty and sixty times, with a return of something more than $8,000, not a bad aggregate for a first season on the circuit. He had planned to make a spring tour to California, but the attraction at Elmira was of a sort that discouraged distant travel. Furthermore, he disliked the platform, then and always. It was always a temptation to him because of its quick and abundant return, but it was none the less distasteful. In a letter of that spring he wrote:

Clemens wrapped up his lecture tour in March and headed straight to Elmira. He had given around fifty to sixty lectures, bringing in just over $8,000, which wasn't bad for a first season on the circuit. He had planned to do a spring tour to California, but the appeal of Elmira made him hesitant to travel far. Plus, he always had a dislike for the stage. It was tempting because of the quick and substantial rewards, but he still found it unappealing. In a letter that spring, he wrote:

    I most cordially hate the lecture field. And after all, I shudder
    to think I may never get out of it. In all conversation with Gough,
    and Anna Dickinson, Nasby, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Wendell Phillips,
    and the other old stagers, I could not observe that they ever
    expected or hoped to get out of the business. I don't want to get
    wedded to it as they are.
    I truly hate speaking in public. And honestly, I dread the thought that I might be stuck doing it forever. In all my conversations with Gough, Anna Dickinson, Nasby, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Wendell Phillips, and the other veterans, I never noticed that they expected or wanted to leave the business. I don’t want to be tied to it like they are.

He declined further engagements on the excuse that he must attend to getting out his book. The revised proofs were coming now, and he and gentle Livy Langdon read them together. He realized presently that with her sensitive nature she had also a keen literary perception. What he lacked in delicacy—and his lack was likely to be large enough in that direction—she detected, and together they pruned it away. She became his editor during those happy courtship days—a position which she held to her death. The world owed a large debt of gratitude to Mark Twain's wife, who from the very beginning—and always, so far as in her strength she was able—inspired him to give only his worthiest to the world, whether in written or spoken word, in counsel or in deed. Those early days of their close companionship, spiritual and mental, were full of revelation to Samuel Clemens, a revelation that continued from day to day, and from year to year, even to the very end.

He turned down further commitments, saying he needed to focus on getting his book out. The revised proofs were coming in now, and he and sweet Livy Langdon read them together. He soon realized that her sensitive nature came with a sharp literary insight. She noticed what he lacked in finesse—and it was likely quite a bit—and together they refined it. She became his editor during those joyful courtship days—a role she held until her death. The world owes a significant debt of gratitude to Mark Twain's wife, who from the very start—and always, as much as she could—inspired him to share only his best with the world, whether in writing or speaking, in advice or action. Those early days of their close emotional and intellectual connection were full of revelations for Samuel Clemens, revelations that continued day after day, year after year, right up to the very end.

The letter to Bliss and the proofs were full of suggested changes that would refine and beautify the text. In one of them he settles the question of title, which he says is to be:

The letter to Bliss and the proofs had a lot of suggested changes that would improve and enhance the text. In one of them, he finalizes the title, which he states should be:

                  THE INNOCENTS ABROAD
                         or
                THE NEW PILGRIM'S PROGRESS
                  THE INNOCENTS ABROAD
                         or
                THE NEW PILGRIM'S PROGRESS

and we may be sure that it was Olivia Langdon's voice that gave the deciding vote for the newly adopted chief title, which would take any suggestion of irreverence out of the remaining words.

and we can be sure that it was Olivia Langdon's voice that cast the deciding vote for the newly chosen main title, which would remove any hint of disrespect from the remaining words.

The book was to have been issued in the spring, but during his wanderings proofs had been delayed, and there was now considerable anxiety about it, as the agencies had become impatient for the canvass. At the end of April Clemens wrote: “Your printers are doing well. I will hurry the proofs”; but it was not until the early part of June that the last chapters were revised and returned. Then the big book, at last completed, went to press on an edition of twenty thousand, a large number for any new book, even to-day.

The book was supposed to come out in the spring, but during his travels, the proofs were delayed, and there was now a lot of stress about it since the agencies were getting impatient for the canvass. At the end of April, Clemens wrote: “Your printers are doing well. I will rush the proofs”; but it wasn't until early June that the last chapters were revised and sent back. Then the big book, finally finished, went to press with a print run of twenty thousand, which is a large number for any new book, even today.

In later years, through some confusion of circumstance, Mark Twain was led to believe that the publication of The Innocents Abroad was long and unnecessarily delayed. But this was manifestly a mistake. The book went to press in June. It was a big book and a large edition. The first copy was delivered July 20 (1869), and four hundred and seventeen bound volumes were shipped that month. Even with the quicker mechanical processes of to-day a month or more is allowed for a large book between the final return of proofs and the date of publication. So it is only another instance of his remembering, as he once quaintly put it, “the thing that didn't happen.”—[In an article in the North American Review (September 21, 1906) Mr. Clemens stated that he found it necessary to telegraph notice that he would bring suit if the book was not immediately issued. In none of the letters covering this period is there any suggestion of delay on the part of the publishers, and the date of the final return of proofs, together with the date of publication, preclude the possibility of such a circumstance. At some period of his life he doubtless sent, or contemplated sending, such a message, and this fact, through some curious psychology, became confused in his mind with the first edition of The Innocents Abroad.]

In later years, due to some confusion about the circumstances, Mark Twain came to believe that the publication of The Innocents Abroad was delayed for a long time and unnecessarily. But this was clearly a mistake. The book went to press in June. It was a large book with a big edition. The first copy was delivered on July 20 (1869), and four hundred and seventeen bound volumes were shipped that month. Even with today’s faster mechanical processes, a month or more is typically needed for a large book between the final return of proofs and the publication date. So this is just another example of him remembering, as he once humorously said, “the thing that didn't happen.” —[In an article in the North American Review (September 21, 1906), Mr. Clemens mentioned that he found it necessary to telegraph a notice that he would take legal action if the book was not issued immediately. In none of the letters from this time is there any suggestion of delay on the part of the publishers, and the dates of the final return of proofs, along with the publication date, rule out the possibility of such a situation. At some point in his life, he likely sent, or thought about sending, such a message, and this fact, through some strange psychology, became mixed up in his mind with the first edition of The Innocents Abroad.]





LXXI. THE GREAT BOOK OF TRAVEL.

'The Innocents Abroad' was a success from the start. The machinery for its sale and delivery was in full swing by August 1, and five thousand one hundred and seventy copies were disposed of that month—a number that had increased to more than thirty-one thousand by the first of the year. It was a book of travel; its lowest price was three and a half dollars. No such record had been made by a book of that description; none has equaled it since.—[One must recall that this was the record only up to 1910. D.W.]

'The Innocents Abroad' was a hit right from the beginning. By August 1, the machinery for its sale and distribution was in full operation, and five thousand one hundred seventy copies were sold that month—a figure that grew to over thirty-one thousand by the start of the new year. It was a travel book, and its lowest price was three and a half dollars. No other book of its kind had achieved such a record; none has matched it since.—[One must recall that this was the record only up to 1910. D.W.]

If Mark Twain was not already famous, he was unquestionably famous now. As the author of The New Pilgrim's Progress he was swept into the domain of letters as one riding at the head of a cavalcade—doors and windows wide with welcome and jubilant with applause. Newspapers chorused their enthusiasm; the public voiced universal approval; only a few of the more cultured critics seemed hesitant and doubtful.

If Mark Twain wasn't already famous, he was definitely famous now. As the author of The New Pilgrim's Progress, he was welcomed into the literary world like someone leading a parade—doors and windows open wide with joy and cheers. Newspapers echoed their excitement; the public showed overwhelming support; only a few of the more refined critics appeared uncertain and skeptical.

They applauded—most of them—but with reservation. Doctor Holland regarded Mark Twain as a mere fun maker of ephemeral popularity, and was not altogether pleasant in his dictum. Doctor Holmes, in a letter to the author, speaks of the “frequently quaint and amusing conceits,” but does not find it in his heart to refer to the book as literature. It was naturally difficult for the East to concede a serious value to one who approached his subject with such militant aboriginality, and occasionally wrote “those kind.” William Dean Howells reviewed the book in the Atlantic, which was of itself a distinction, whether the review was favorable or otherwise. It was favorable on the whole, favorable to the humor of the book, its “delicious impudence,” the charm of its good-natured irony. The review closed:

They applauded—most of them—but with hesitation. Doctor Holland viewed Mark Twain as just a comedian with fleeting fame and was not entirely kind in his judgment. Doctor Holmes, in a letter to the author, notes the “often quirky and amusing ideas,” but doesn’t seem to think of the book as real literature. It was naturally hard for the East to recognize serious worth in someone who tackled his subject with such raw originality and sometimes wrote “those kinds” of things. William Dean Howells reviewed the book in the Atlantic, which was already a mark of distinction, regardless of whether the review was good or not. Overall, it was a favorable review, praising the book's humor, its “delicious boldness,” and the charm of its lighthearted irony. The review concluded:

    It is no business of ours to fix his rank among the humorists
    California has given us, but we think he is, in an entirely
    different way from all the others, quite worthy of the company of
    the best.
    It's not our job to determine his standing among the humorists California has produced, but we believe he deserves to be in the same league as the very best, in a way that's completely unique from all the others.

This is praise, but not of an intemperate sort, nor very inclusive. The descriptive, the poetic, the more pretentious phases of the book did not receive attention. Mr. Howells was perhaps the first critic of eminence to recognize in Mark Twain not only the humorist, but the supreme genius-the “Lincoln of our literature.” This was later. The public—the silent public—with what Howells calls “the inspired knowledge of the simple-hearted multitude,” reached a similar verdict forthwith. And on sufficient evidence: let the average unprejudiced person of to-day take up the old volume and read a few chapters anywhere and decide whether it is the work of a mere humorist, or also of a philosopher, a poet, and a seer. The writer well remembers a little group of “the simple-hearted multitude” who during the winter of '69 and '70 gathered each evening to hear the Innocents read aloud, and their unanimous verdict that it was the “best book of modern times.”

This is praise, but not excessive or overly broad. The descriptive, poetic, and more pretentious sections of the book didn't get much attention. Mr. Howells was probably the first prominent critic to see in Mark Twain not just a humorist, but a supreme genius—the “Lincoln of our literature.” This came later. The public—the quiet public—with what Howells calls “the inspired knowledge of the simple-hearted multitude,” quickly arrived at a similar conclusion. And it was based on solid evidence: let the average fair-minded reader today pick up the old book, read a few chapters, and decide whether it’s the work of just a humorist, or also of a philosopher, a poet, and a visionary. The writer clearly recalls a small group of “the simple-hearted multitude” who gathered every evening during the winter of '69 and '70 to listen to the Innocents read aloud, and their unanimous opinion that it was the “best book of modern times.”

It was the most daring book of its day. Passages of it were calculated to take the breath of the orthodox reader; only, somehow, it made him smile, too. It was all so good-natured, so openly sincere. Without doubt it preached heresy—the heresy of viewing revered landmarks and relics joyously, rather than lugubriously; reverentially, when they inspired reverence; satirically, when they invited ridicule, and with kindliness always.

It was the boldest book of its time. Some parts were sure to shock traditional readers; yet, somehow, it also made them smile. It was all so friendly and genuinely sincere. No doubt it preached heresy—the heresy of looking at cherished landmarks and relics with joy instead of sadness; with respect when they deserved it; with humor when they called for ridicule, and with kindness always.

The Innocents Abroad is Mark Twain's greatest book of travel. The critical and the pure in speech may object to this verdict. Brander Matthews regards it second to A Tramp Abroad, the natural viewpoint of the literary technician. The 'Tramp' contains better usage without doubt, but it lacks the “color” which gives the Innocents its perennial charm. In the Innocents there is a glow, a fragrance, a romance of touch, a subtle something which is idyllic, something which is not quite of reality, in the tale of that little company that so long ago sailed away to the harbors of their illusions beyond the sea, and, wandered together through old palaces and galleries, and among the tombs of the saints, and down through ancient lands. There is an atmosphere about it all, a dream-like quality that lies somewhere in the telling, maybe, or in the tale; at all events it is there, and the world has felt it ever since. Perhaps it could be defined in a single word, perhaps that word would be “youth.” That the artist, poor True Williams, felt its inspiration is certain. We may believe that Williams was not a great draftsman, but no artist ever caught more perfectly the light and spirit of the author's text. Crude some of the pictures are, no doubt, but they convey the very essence of the story; they belong to it, they are a part of it, and they ought never to perish. 'A Tramp Abroad' is a rare book, but it cannot rank with its great predecessor in human charm. The public, which in the long run makes mistakes, has rendered that verdict. The Innocents by far outsells the Tramp, and, for that matter, any other book of travel.

The Innocents Abroad is Mark Twain's best travel book. Some critics and purists might disagree with this assessment. Brander Matthews considers it second to A Tramp Abroad, which is a typical opinion from a literary critic's perspective. While the 'Tramp' does have better writing, it lacks the "color" that gives The Innocents its lasting allure. In The Innocents, there's a warmth, a charm, a romantic touch, something subtle and idyllic that doesn't quite feel real. It tells the story of a small group that set sail long ago to the harbors of their dreams across the sea, exploring old palaces and galleries, visiting the tombs of saints, and wandering through ancient lands. There’s a certain atmosphere, a dream-like quality in the way it’s told, maybe in the story itself; it’s definitely present, and the world has felt its impact ever since. Perhaps it can be summed up in one word: “youth.” It's clear that the artist, poor True Williams, was inspired by it. While we might think Williams wasn't a great illustrator, no one captured the light and spirit of the author's text better. Some of the illustrations may be rough, but they perfectly capture the essence of the story; they belong to it, they are part of it, and they should never fade away. A Tramp Abroad is a unique book, but it can't compare to its remarkable predecessor in human appeal. The public, in the long run, may make mistakes, but they've made their choice. The Innocents far outsells The Tramp, and, for that matter, any other travel book.





LXXII.THE PURCHASE OF A PAPER.

It is curious to reflect that Mark Twain still did not regard himself as a literary man. He had no literary plans for the future; he scarcely looked forward to the publication of another book. He considered himself a journalist; his ambition lay in the direction of retirement in some prosperous newspaper enterprise, with the comforts and companionship of a home. During his travels he had already been casting about for a congenial and substantial association in newspaperdom, and had at one time considered the purchase of an interest in the Cleveland Herald. But Buffalo was nearer Elmira, and when an opportunity offered, by which he could acquire a third interest in the Buffalo Express for $25,000, the purchase was decided upon. His lack of funds prompted a new plan for a lecture tour to the Pacific coast, this time with D. R. Locke (Nasby), then immensely popular, in his lecture “Cussed Be Canaan.”

It's interesting to think that Mark Twain still didn't see himself as a literary figure. He had no plans for future writing; he barely anticipated the release of another book. He thought of himself as a journalist, with his ambitions leaning towards retirement at a successful newspaper, enjoying the comforts and company of a home. While traveling, he had been searching for a good and solid connection in the newspaper world, and at one point, he thought about buying a stake in the Cleveland Herald. But Buffalo was closer to Elmira, and when the chance came to buy a third of the Buffalo Express for $25,000, he decided to go for it. His lack of money led him to plan a lecture tour to the Pacific coast, this time with D. R. Locke (Nasby), who was very popular at the time for his lecture “Cussed Be Canaan.”

Clemens had met Nasby on the circuit, and was very fond of him. The two had visited Boston together, and while there had called on Doctor Holmes; this by the way. Nasby was fond of Clemens too, but doubtful about the trip-doubtful about his lecture:

Clemens had met Nasby while traveling, and he liked him a lot. They had visited Boston together and, while there, had dropped by to see Doctor Holmes; just a quick note. Nasby liked Clemens too, but he was unsure about the trip—uncertain about his lecture:

    Your proposition takes my breath away. If I had my new lecture
    completed I wouldn't hesitate a moment, but really isn't “Cussed Be
    Canaan” too old? You know that lemon, our African brother, juicy as
    he was in his day, has been squeezed dry. Why howl about his wrongs
    after said wrongs have been redressed? Why screech about the
    “damnable spirit of Cahst” when the victim thereof sits at the first
    table, and his oppressor mildly takes, in hash, what he leaves? You
    see, friend Twain, the Fifteenth Amendment busted “Cussed Be
    Canaan.” I howled feelingly on the subject while it was a living
    issue, for I felt all that I said and a great deal more; but now
    that we have won our fight why dance frantically on the dead corpse
    of our enemy? The Reliable Contraband is contraband no more, but a
    citizen of the United States, and I speak of him no more.

    Give me a week to think of your proposition. If I can jerk a
    lecture in time I will go with you. The Lord knows I would like to.
    —[Nasby's lecture, “Cussed Be Canaan,” opened, “We are all
    descended from grandfathers!” He had a powerful voice, and always
    just on the stroke of eight he rose and vigorously delivered this
    sentence. Once, after lecturing an entire season—two hundred and
    twenty-five nights—he went home to rest. That evening he sat,
    musingly drowsing by the fire, when the clock struck eight. Without
    a moment's thought Nasby sprang to his feet and thundered out, “We
    are all descended from grandfathers!”]
    Your proposal is amazing. If I had my new lecture finished, I wouldn't think twice, but isn't “Cussed Be Canaan” a bit outdated? You know that figure, our African brother, as vibrant as he was in his time, has been completely drained. Why complain about his injustices now that they’ve been fixed? Why shout about the “damnable spirit of Cahst” when the person affected is sitting comfortably at the top table, and his oppressor is simply taking what he leaves behind? You see, my friend Twain, the Fifteenth Amendment put an end to “Cussed Be Canaan.” I passionately spoke about this topic when it was relevant, because I truly felt every word and much more; but now that we’ve won our battle, why beat a dead horse? The Reliable Contraband is no longer contraband but a citizen of the United States, and I have nothing more to say about him.

    Give me a week to consider your proposal. If I can put together a lecture in time, I will join you. The Lord knows I want to.
    —[Nasby's lecture, “Cussed Be Canaan,” opened, “We are all descended from grandfathers!” He had a powerful voice, and always right at eight o'clock he would rise and passionately deliver this line. Once, after lecturing for an entire season—two hundred and twenty-five nights—he went home to relax. That evening he sat, dozing by the fire, when the clock struck eight. Without thinking, Nasby jumped to his feet and thundered, “We are all descended from grandfathers!”]

Nasby did not go, and Clemens's enthusiasm cooled at the prospect of setting out alone on that long tour. Furthermore, Jervis Langdon promptly insisted on advancing the money required to complete the purchase of the Express, and the trade was closed.—[Mr. Langdon is just as good for $25,000 for me, and has already advanced half of it in cash. I wrote and asked whether I had better send him my note, or a due bill, or how he would prefer to have the indebtedness made of record, and he answered every other topic in the letter pleasantly, but never replied to that at all. Still, I shall give my note into a hands of his business agent here, and pay him the interest as it falls due.—S. L. C. to his mother.]

Nasby didn’t go, and Clemens’s excitement faded at the thought of heading out alone on that long tour. Plus, Jervis Langdon quickly insisted on covering the money needed to finalize the purchase of the Express, and the deal was done.—[Mr. Langdon is just as good for $25,000 for me, and has already given half of it in cash. I wrote and asked whether I should send him my note, or a due bill, or how he would prefer to record the debt, and he responded to everything else in the letter nicely, but never addressed that at all. Still, I will give my note to his business agent here, and pay him the interest as it comes due.—S. L. C. to his mother.]

The Buffalo Express was at this time in the hands of three men—Col. George F. Selkirk, J. L. Lamed, and Thomas A. Kennett. Colonel Selkirk was business manager, Lamed was political editor. With the purchase of Kennett's share Clemens became a sort of general and contributing editor, with a more or less “roving commission”—his hours and duties not very clearly defined. It was believed by his associates, and by Clemens himself, that his known connection with the paper would give it prestige and circulation, as Nasby's connection had popularized the Toledo Blade. The new editor entered upon his duties August 14 (1869). The members of the Buffalo press gave him a dinner that evening, and after the manner of newspaper men the world over, were handsomely cordial to the “new enemy in their midst.”

The Buffalo Express was at that time run by three men—Col. George F. Selkirk, J. L. Lamed, and Thomas A. Kennett. Colonel Selkirk was the business manager, while Lamed was the political editor. After Clemens bought Kennett's share, he became a type of general and contributing editor, with a somewhat undefined role and schedule. It was believed by his colleagues, and by Clemens himself, that his well-known association with the paper would boost its reputation and circulation, similar to how Nasby's connection had popularized the Toledo Blade. The new editor started his role on August 14, 1869. That evening, the members of the Buffalo press hosted a dinner in his honor, and in true newspaper fashion, they were warmly welcoming to the “new enemy in their midst.”

There is an anecdote which relates that next morning, when Mark Twain arrived in the Express office (it was then at 14 Swan Street), there happened to be no one present who knew him. A young man rose very bruskly and asked if there was any one he would like to see. It is reported that he replied, with gentle deliberation:

There’s a story that the next morning, when Mark Twain showed up at the Express office (which was located at 14 Swan Street), there was nobody there who recognized him. A young man quickly stood up and asked if there was someone he wanted to see. It’s said that he answered, calmly and thoughtfully:

“Well, yes, I should like to see some young man offer the new editor a chair.”

“Well, yes, I would like to see some young man offer the new editor a seat.”

It is so like Mark Twain that we are inclined to accept it, though it seems of doubtful circumstance. In any case it deserves to be true. His “Salutatory” (August 18th) is sufficiently genuine:

It’s so typical of Mark Twain that we’re tempted to believe it, even though it seems questionable. Either way, it really deserves to be true. His “Salutatory” (August 18th) feels authentic enough:

    Being a stranger, it would be immodest for me to suddenly and
    violently assume the associate editorship of the Buffalo Express
    without a single word of comfort or encouragement to the unoffending
    patrons of the paper, who are about to be exposed to constant
    attacks of my wisdom and learning. But the word shall be as brief
    as possible. I only want to assure parties having a friendly
    interest in the prosperity of the journal that I am not going to
    hurt the paper deliberately and intentionally at any time. I am not
    going to introduce any startling reforms, nor in any way attempt to
    make trouble.... I shall not make use of slang and vulgarity upon
    any occasion or under any circumstances, and shall never use
    profanity except when discussing house rent and taxes. Indeed, upon
    a second thought, I shall not use it even then, for it is
    unchristian, inelegant, and degrading; though, to speak truly, I do
    not see how house rent and taxes are going to be discussed worth a
    cent without it. I shall not often meddle with politics, because we
    have a political Editor who is already excellent and only needs to
    serve a term or two in the penitentiary to be perfect. I shall not
    write any poetry unless I conceive a spite against the subscribers.

    Such is my platform. I do not see any use in it, but custom is law
    and must be obeyed.
    As a newcomer, it would be inappropriate for me to suddenly and forcefully take on the associate editorship of the Buffalo Express without offering a single word of reassurance or support to the unsuspecting readers of the paper, who are about to face continuous critiques of my insights and knowledge. But I’ll keep it as short as possible. I just want to let those who care about the success of the journal know that I have no intention of deliberately harming the paper at any point. I’m not planning to introduce any shocking reforms, nor will I try to cause any issues. I won’t use slang or vulgarity at any time or under any circumstances, and I will only use profanity when discussing rent and taxes. Actually, on second thought, I won’t even use it then because it’s unchristian, unrefined, and degrading; although, to be honest, I can’t see how we can talk about rent and taxes worth anything without it. I won’t often interfere with politics because we have a political editor who is already doing a great job and just needs to serve a term or two in prison to be perfect. I won't write any poetry unless I feel bitter towards the subscribers.

    That’s my platform. I don’t see much use in it, but tradition is the law, and I must follow it.

John Harrison Mills, who was connected with the Express in those days, has written:

John Harrison Mills, who was associated with the Express back then, has written:

    I cannot remember that there was any delay in getting down to his
    work. I think within five minutes the new editor had assumed the
    easy look of one entirely at home, pencil in hand and a clutch of
    paper before him, with an air of preoccupation, as of one intent on
    a task delayed. It was impossible to be conscious of the man
    sitting there, and not feel his identity with all that he had
    enjoyed, and the reminiscence of it he that seemed to radiate; for
    the personality was so absolutely in accord with all the record of
    himself and his work. I cannot say he seemed to be that vague thing
    they call a type in race or blood, though the word, if used in his
    case for temperament, would decidedly mean what they used to call
    the “sanguine.”

    I thought that, pictorially, the noble costume of the Albanian would
    have well become him. Or he might have been a Goth, and worn the
    horned bull-pate helmet of Alaric's warriors; or stood at the prow
    of one of the swift craft of the Vikings. His eyes, which have been
    variously described, were, it seemed to me, of an indescribable
    depth of the bluish moss-agate, with a capacity of pupil dilation
    that in certain lights had the effect of a deep black....
I can't remember there being any delay in getting started on his work. I think within five minutes the new editor looked completely at ease, pencil in hand and a stack of paper in front of him, deep in thought as if he were focused on a task that had been put off. It was impossible to sit there and not feel his connection to everything he had experienced, the nostalgia he seemed to exude; his personality perfectly matched all the records of who he was and what he had accomplished. I wouldn't say he resembled that vague idea of a type defined by race or heritage, but if the term were applied to his temperament, it would definitely align with what they used to call "sanguine."

I thought that, visually, a noble Albanian outfit would have suited him well. He could have been a Goth, wearing the horned helmet of Alaric's warriors, or standing at the front of one of the Vikings' swift ships. His eyes, described in various ways, struck me as having an indescribable depth of bluish moss-agate, with pupils that could dilate in certain lights, giving them the effect of being deep black....

Mr. Mills adds that in dress he was now “well groomed,” and that consequently they were obliged to revise their notions as to the careless negligee which gossip had reported.—[From unpublished Reminiscences kindly lent to the author by Mr. Mills]

Mr. Mills adds that in his appearance he was now “well groomed,” and that as a result, they had to change their ideas about the casual sloppiness that rumors had suggested.—[From unpublished Reminiscences kindly lent to the author by Mr. Mills]





LXXIII. THE FIRST MEETING WITH HOWELLS

Clemens' first period of editorial work was a brief one, though he made frequent contributions to the paper: sketches, squibs, travel-notes, and experiences, usually humorous in character. His wedding-day had been set for early in the year, and it was necessary to accumulate a bank account for that occasion. Before October he was out on the lecture circuit, billed now for the first time for New England, nervous and apprehensive in consequence, though with good hope. To Pamela he wrote (November 9th):

Clemens' first stint as an editor was a short one, but he frequently contributed to the paper with sketches, short pieces, travel notes, and experiences, usually with a humorous twist. He had planned to get married early in the year and needed to build up a savings account for the event. Before October, he hit the lecture circuit, making his first appearance in New England, feeling nervous and anxious but still hopeful. He wrote to Pamela on November 9th:

To-morrow night I appear for the first time before a Boston audience—4,000 critics—and on the success of this matter depends my future success in New England. But I am not distressed. Nasby is in the same boat. Tonight decides the fate of his brand-new lecture. He has just left my room—been reading his lecture to me—was greatly depressed. I have convinced him that he has little to fear.

Tomorrow night, I’m performing for the first time in front of a Boston audience—4,000 critics—and my future success in New England depends on how it goes. But I'm not worried. Nasby is in the same situation. Tonight will determine the fate of his brand-new lecture. He just left my room—he was reading his lecture to me—and he was feeling really down. I’ve assured him that he doesn’t have much to worry about.

Whatever alarm Mark Twain may have felt was not warranted. His success with the New England public was immediate and complete. He made his headquarters in Boston, at Redpath's office, where there was pretty sure to be a congenial company, of which he was presently the center.

Whatever concern Mark Twain may have felt was unwarranted. His success with the New England audience was immediate and total. He set up his base in Boston, at Redpath's office, where he was almost guaranteed to find a friendly crowd, of which he quickly became the focal point.

It was during one of these Boston sojourns that he first met William Dean Howells, his future friend and literary counselor. Howells was assistant editor of the Atlantic at this time; James T. Fields, its editor. Clemens had been gratified by the Atlantic review, and had called to express his thanks for it. He sat talking to Fields, when Howells entered the editorial rooms, and on being presented to the author of the review, delivered his appreciation in the form of a story, sufficiently appropriate, but not qualified for the larger types.—[He said: “When I read that review of yours, I felt like the woman who was so glad her baby had come white.”]

It was during one of his trips to Boston that he first met William Dean Howells, who would become his friend and literary advisor. At that time, Howells was the assistant editor of the Atlantic, with James T. Fields as the editor. Clemens was pleased with the Atlantic review and had come by to thank them for it. He was chatting with Fields when Howells walked into the editorial office. After being introduced to the author of the review, he expressed his appreciation with a story that was fitting, but not quite suitable for broader audiences.—[He said: “When I read your review, I felt like the woman who was so happy her baby was born white.”]

His manner, his humor, his quaint colloquial forms all delighted Howells—more, in fact, than the opulent sealskin overcoat which he affected at this period—a garment astonishing rather than esthetic, as Mark Twain's clothes in those days of his first regeneration were likely to be startling enough, we may believe; in the conservative atmosphere of the Atlantic rooms. And Howells—gentle, genial, sincere—filled with the early happiness of his calling, won the heart of Mark Twain and never lost it, and, what is still more notable, won his absolute and unvarying confidence in all literary affairs. It was always Mark Twain's habit to rely on somebody, and in matters pertaining to literature and to literary people in general he laid his burden on William Dean Howells from that day. Only a few weeks after that first visit we find him telegraphing to Howells, asking him to look after a Californian poet, then ill and friendless in Brooklyn. Clemens states that he does not know the poet, but will contribute fifty dollars if Howells will petition the steamboat company for a pass; and no doubt Howells complied, and spent a good deal more than fifty dollars' worth of time to get the poet relieved and started; it would be like him.

His personality, his humor, and his unique way of speaking all impressed Howells—more so, in fact, than the flashy sealskin overcoat he was wearing at that time—a piece of clothing that was more eye-catching than stylish, much like the clothing Mark Twain wore during the early days of his revival, which we can imagine caused quite a stir in the conservative setting of the Atlantic rooms. Howells—kind, friendly, and genuine—filled with the early joy of his work, captured Mark Twain's heart and never lost it. What’s even more significant is that he earned Twain's complete and unwavering trust in all matters literary. Mark Twain always relied on someone, and regarding literature and literary figures, he leaned on William Dean Howells from that moment on. Just a few weeks after their first meeting, Twain sent a telegram to Howells, asking him to help a California poet who was sick and alone in Brooklyn. Clemens mentioned that he didn’t know the poet but would contribute fifty dollars if Howells would ask the steamboat company for a free pass; and no doubt Howells obliged, likely spending a lot more time than the fifty dollars was worth to get the poet some help and on his way—just like him.





LXXIV. THE WEDDING-DAY

The wedding was planned, at first, either for Christmas or New-Year's Day; but as the lecture engagements continued into January it was decided to wait until these were filled. February 2d, a date near the anniversary of the engagement, was agreed upon, also a quiet wedding with no “tour.” The young people would go immediately to Buffalo, and take up a modest residence, in a boardinghouse as comfortable, even as luxurious, as the husband's financial situation justified. At least that was Samuel Clemens's understanding of the matter. He felt that he was heavily in debt—that his first duty was to relieve himself of that obligation.

The wedding was initially set for either Christmas or New Year's Day; however, since the lecture schedule ran into January, it was decided to postpone it until those commitments were met. February 2nd, which was close to the anniversary of their engagement, was chosen, along with the plan for a simple ceremony with no "honeymoon." The couple would head straight to Buffalo and settle into a comfortable boarding house that was as nice as their finances would allow. At least, that was how Samuel Clemens saw it. He believed he was significantly in debt and that his top priority was to pay that off.

There were other plans in Elmira, but in the daily and happy letters he received there was no inkling of any new purpose.

There were other plans in Elmira, but in the cheerful letters he got, there was no hint of any new intentions.

He wrote to J. D. F. Slee, of Buffalo, who was associated in business with Mr. Langdon, and asked him to find a suitable boarding-place, one that would be sufficiently refined for the woman who was to be his wife, and sufficiently reasonable to insure prosperity. In due time Slee replied that, while boarding was a “miserable business anyhow,” he had been particularly fortunate in securing a place on one of the most pleasant streets—“the family a small one and choice spirits, with no predilection for taking boarders, and consenting to the present arrangement only because of the anticipated pleasure of your company.” The price, Slee added, would be reasonable. As a matter of fact a house on Delaware Avenue—still the fine residence street of Buffalo—had been bought and furnished throughout as a present to the bride and groom. It stands to-day practically unchanged—brick and mansard without, Eastlake within, a type then much in vogue—spacious and handsome for that period. It was completely appointed. Diagrams of the rooms had been sent to Elmira and Miss Langdon herself had selected the furnishings. Everything was put in readiness, including linen, cutlery, and utensils. Even the servants had been engaged and the pantry and cellar had been stocked.

He wrote to J. D. F. Slee in Buffalo, who was in business with Mr. Langdon, and asked him to find a suitable boarding place—one that would be nice enough for the woman who would be his wife and reasonably priced to ensure their financial success. Eventually, Slee replied that while boarding was a “miserable business anyway,” he had been particularly lucky to secure a spot on one of the most pleasant streets—“the family is small and composed of good people, who don't usually take in boarders and only agreed to this arrangement because they look forward to your company.” Slee added that the price would be reasonable. In fact, a house on Delaware Avenue—still a prestigious residential street in Buffalo—had been purchased and fully furnished as a gift for the bride and groom. It still stands today practically unchanged—brick and mansard on the outside, Eastlake style on the inside, a trend that was popular at the time—spacious and attractive for that era. It was completely outfitted. Diagrams of the rooms had been sent to Elmira, and Miss Langdon herself chose the furnishings. Everything was set up, including linens, cutlery, and kitchenware. Even the staff had been hired, and the pantry and cellar were stocked.

It must have been hard for Olivia Langdon to keep this wonderful surprise out of those daily letters. A surprise like that is always watching a chance to slip out unawares, especially when one is eagerly impatient to reveal it.

It must have been tough for Olivia Langdon to keep this amazing surprise hidden in her daily letters. A surprise like that is always looking for a chance to spill out unexpectedly, especially when you're eagerly waiting to share it.

However, the traveler remained completely in the dark. He may have wondered vaguely at the lack of enthusiasm in the boarding idea, and could he have been certain that the sales of the book would continue, or that his newspaper venture would yield an abundant harvest, he might have planned his domestic beginning on a more elaborate scale. If only the Tennessee land would yield the long-expected fortune now! But these were all incalculable things. All that he could be sure of was the coming of his great happiness, in whatever environment, and of the dragging weeks between.

However, the traveler was completely in the dark. He might have vaguely questioned the lack of excitement about getting on board, and if he had been sure that book sales would keep going or that his newspaper project would bring in a good profit, he might have planned his home life on a bigger scale. If only the Tennessee land would finally deliver the long-awaited fortune! But those were all uncertain things. The only thing he could be certain of was that his great happiness was on the way, no matter where it would be, along with the long, dragging weeks in between.

At last the night of the final lecture came, and he was off for Elmira with the smallest possible delay. Once there, the intervening days did not matter. He could join in the busy preparations; he could write exuberantly to his friends. To Laura Hawkins, long since Laura Frazer he sent a playful line; to Jim Gillis, still digging and washing on the slopes of the old Tuolumne hills, he wrote a letter which eminently belongs here:

At last, the night of the final lecture arrived, and he headed to Elmira with the least possible delay. Once he got there, the days in between didn’t matter. He could dive into the hectic preparations; he could write enthusiastically to his friends. To Laura Hawkins, now Laura Frazer, he sent a playful note; to Jim Gillis, still working on the slopes of the old Tuolumne hills, he wrote a letter that definitely belongs here:

                     Elmira, N. Y., January 26, 1870.

    DEAR Jim,—I remember that old night just as well! And somewhere
    among my relics I have your remembrance stored away. It makes my
    heart ache yet to call to mind some of those days. Still it
    shouldn't, for right in the depths of their poverty and their
    pocket-hunting vagabondage lay the germ of my coming good fortune.
    You remember the one gleam of jollity that shot across our dismal
    sojourn in the rain and mud of Angel's Camp—I mean that day we sat
    around the tavern stove and heard that chap tell about the frog and
    how they filled him with shot. And you remember how we quoted from
    the yarn and laughed over it out there on the hillside while you and
    dear old Stoker panned and washed. I jotted the story down in my
    note-book that day, and would have been glad to get ten or fifteen
    dollars for it—I was just that blind. But then we were so hard up.
    I published that story, and it became widely known in America,
    India, China, England, and the reputation it made for me has paid me
    thousands and thousands of dollars since. Four or five months ago I
    bought into the Express (I have ordered it sent to you as long as
    you live, and if the bookkeeper sends you any bills you let me hear
    of it). I went heavily in debt—never could have dared to do that,
    Jim, if we hadn't heard the jumping Frog story that day.

    And wouldn't I love to take old Stoker by the hand, and wouldn't I
    love to see him in his great specialty, his wonderful rendition of
    Rinalds in the “Burning Shame!” Where is Dick and what is he doing?
    Give him my fervent love and warm old remembrances.

    A week from to-day I shall be married-to a girl even better and
    lovelier than the peerless “Chapparal Quails.” You can't come so
    far, Jim, but still I cordially invite you to come anyhow, and I
    invite Dick too. And if you two boys were to land here on that
    pleasant occasion we would make you right royally welcome.
                     Truly your friend,
                                SAML. L. CLEMENS.

    P.S.—-California plums are good. Jim, particularly when they are
    stewed.
                     Elmira, N. Y., January 26, 1870.

    DEAR Jim,—I remember that night just as clearly! I still have your memento tucked away with my keepsakes. It breaks my heart to think back on those days. But it shouldn’t, because deep in that poverty and wandering there was the seed of my future success. You remember that brief moment of joy during our miserable time in the rain and mud of Angel's Camp—that day we gathered around the tavern stove and heard that guy talk about the frog and how they filled it with shot. And you recall how we quoted from the story and laughed about it on the hillside while you and dear old Stoker panned and washed. I wrote the story down in my notebook that day, and I would have gladly accepted ten or fifteen dollars for it—I was that clueless. But we were really struggling. I published that story, and it became popular in America, India, China, England, and the fame it brought me has earned me thousands of dollars since then. Four or five months ago I invested in the Express (I’ve arranged for it to be sent to you for life, and if the bookkeeper sends you any bills, let me know). I took on a lot of debt—I never would have dared to do that, Jim, if we hadn’t heard the jumping Frog story that day.

    And how I'd love to shake Stoker's hand, and I’d love to see him perform his amazing rendition of Rinalds in the “Burning Shame!” Where is Dick and what is he up to? Please send him my warmest regards and fond memories.

    A week from today I’ll be getting married—to a girl who’s even better and more beautiful than the incredible “Chapparal Quails.” You can’t travel that far, Jim, but I warmly invite you anyway, and I invite Dick too. If you two were able to come for that happy occasion, we would welcome you with open arms.
                     Truly your friend,
                                SAML. L. CLEMENS.

    P.S.—-California plums are delicious. Jim, especially when they're stewed.

It had been only five years before—that day in Angel's Camp—but how long ago and how far away it seemed to him now! So much had happened since then, so much of which that was the beginning—so little compared with the marvel of the years ahead, whose threshold he was now about to cross, and not alone.

It was only five years ago—that day in Angel's Camp—but it felt like a lifetime and so distant to him now! So much had happened since then, so much that marked the beginning—yet so little compared to the amazing experiences waiting ahead, and he wasn’t crossing this threshold alone.

A day or two before the wedding he was asked to lecture on the night of February 2d. He replied that he was sorry to disappoint the applicant, but that he could not lecture on the night of February 2d, for the reason that he was going to marry a young lady on that evening, and that he would rather marry that young lady than deliver all the lectures in the world.

A day or two before the wedding, he was asked to give a lecture on the night of February 2nd. He replied that he was sorry to let the person down, but he couldn't do the lecture that night because he was getting married to a young lady then, and he would much rather marry that young lady than give any lecture in the world.

And so came the wedding-day. It began pleasantly; the postman brought a royalty check that morning of $4,000, the accumulation of three months' sales, and the Rev. Joseph Twichell and Harmony, his wife, came from Hartford—Twichell to join with the Rev. Thomas K. Beecher in solemnizing the marriage. Pamela Moffett, a widow now, with her daughter Annie, grown to a young lady, had come all the way from St. Louis, and Mrs. Fairbanks from Cleveland.

And so the wedding day arrived. It started off well; the postman delivered a royalty check that morning for $4,000, the result of three months of sales. Rev. Joseph Twichell and his wife Harmony traveled from Hartford—Twichell to partner with Rev. Thomas K. Beecher in officiating the marriage. Pamela Moffett, now a widow, came all the way from St. Louis with her daughter Annie, who had grown into a young woman, and Mrs. Fairbanks made the trip from Cleveland.

Yet the guests were not numerous, not more than a hundred at most, so it was a quiet wedding there in the Langdon parlors, those dim, stately rooms that in the future would hold so much of his history—so much of the story of life and death that made its beginning there.

Yet the guests were not many, no more than a hundred at most, so it was a quiet wedding in the Langdon parlors, those dim, elegant rooms that would later hold so much of his history—so much of the story of life and death that began there.

The wedding-service was about seven o'clock, for Mr. Beecher had a meeting at the church soon after that hour. Afterward followed the wedding-supper and dancing, and the bride's father danced with the bride. To the interested crowd awaiting him at the church Mr. Beecher reported that the bride was very beautiful, and had on the longest white gloves he had ever seen; he declared they reached to her shoulders.—[Perhaps for a younger generation it should be said that Thomas K. Beecher was a brother of Henry Ward Beecher. He lived and died in Elmira, the almost worshiped pastor of the Park Congregational Church. He was a noble, unorthodox teacher. Samuel Clemens at the time of his marriage already strongly admired him, and had espoused his cause in an article signed “S'cat!” in the Elmira Advertiser, when he (Beecher) had been assailed by the more orthodox Elmira clergy. For the “S'cat” article see Appendix I, at the end of last volume.]

The wedding ceremony was around seven o'clock because Mr. Beecher had a meeting at the church shortly after. After that, there was a wedding dinner and dancing, and the bride's father danced with her. To the eager crowd waiting for him at the church, Mr. Beecher reported that the bride was incredibly beautiful, wearing the longest white gloves he had ever seen; he insisted they reached all the way to her shoulders.—[For younger readers, it should be noted that Thomas K. Beecher was the brother of Henry Ward Beecher. He lived and died in Elmira, where he was the highly respected pastor of the Park Congregational Church. He was a remarkable, unconventional teacher. At the time of his marriage, Samuel Clemens already admired him greatly and had supported him in an article signed “S'cat!” in the Elmira Advertiser when Beecher faced criticism from the more traditional Elmira clergy. For the “S'cat” article see Appendix I, at the end of last volume.]

It was the next afternoon when they set out for Buffalo, accompanied by the bride's parents, the groom's relatives, the Beechers, and perhaps one or two others of that happy company. It was nine o'clock at night when they arrived, and found Mr. Slee waiting at the station with sleighs to convey the party to the “boarding-house” he had selected. They drove and drove, and the sleigh containing the bride and groom got behind and apparently was bound nowhere in particular, which disturbed the groom a good deal, for he thought it proper that they should arrive first, to receive their guests. He commented on Slee's poor judgment in selecting a house that was so hard to find, and when at length they turned into fashionable Delaware Avenue, and stopped before one of the most attractive places in the neighborhood, he was beset with fear concerning the richness of the locality.

The next afternoon, they headed out to Buffalo, joined by the bride's parents, the groom's relatives, the Beechers, and maybe one or two others from their happy group. They arrived at nine o'clock at night, finding Mr. Slee waiting at the station with sleighs to take everyone to the "boarding-house" he had picked. They drove on and on, and the sleigh with the bride and groom fell behind and seemed to be going nowhere in particular, which made the groom pretty anxious because he believed they should arrive first to welcome their guests. He pointed out Slee's poor choice of a place that was so hard to find, and when they finally turned onto fashionable Delaware Avenue and stopped in front of one of the most appealing spots in the area, he was filled with worries about how upscale the neighborhood was.

They were on the steps when the doors opened, and a perfect fairyland of lights and decoration was revealed within. The friends who had gone ahead came out with greetings, to lead in the bride and groom. Servants hurried forward to take bags and wraps. They were ushered inside; they were led through beautiful rooms, all newly appointed and garnished. The bridegroom was dazed, unable to understand the meaning of things, the apparent ownership and completeness of possession.

They were on the steps when the doors swung open, revealing a perfect fairyland of lights and decorations inside. The friends who had gone ahead came out with greetings to guide the bride and groom in. Servants rushed forward to take bags and wraps. They were welcomed inside and led through beautiful rooms, all newly furnished and decorated. The bridegroom was overwhelmed, unable to grasp the significance of everything, the sense of ownership, and the completeness of the surroundings.

At last the young wife put her hand upon his arm:

At last, the young wife placed her hand on his arm:

“Don't you understand, Youth,” she said; that was always her name for him. “Don't you understand? It is ours, all ours—everything—a gift from father!”

“Don’t you get it, Youth,” she said; that was always what she called him. “Don’t you understand? It's all ours—everything—a gift from dad!”

But even then he could not grasp it; not at first, not until Mr. Langdon brought a little box and, opening it, handed them the deeds.

But even then he couldn’t understand it; not at first, not until Mr. Langdon brought a small box and, opening it, handed them the documents.

Nobody quite remembers what was the first remark that Samuel Clemens made then; but either then or a little later he said:

Nobody really remembers what Samuel Clemens' first comment was at that moment; but either then or shortly after, he said:

“Mr. Langdon, whenever you are in Buffalo, if it's twice a year, come right here. Bring your bag and stay overnight if you want to. It sha'n't cost you a cent!”

“Mr. Langdon, whenever you're in Buffalo, even if it's just twice a year, come right here. Bring your bag and stay overnight if you want. It won’t cost you a dime!”

They went in to supper then, and by and by the guests were gone and the young wedded pair were alone.

They went in for dinner, and after a while, the guests left, leaving the newlyweds alone.

Patrick McAleer, the young coachman, who would grow old in their employ, and Ellen, the cook, came in for their morning orders, and were full of Irish delight at the inexperience and novelty of it all. Then they were gone, and only the lovers in their new house and their new happiness remained.

Patrick McAleer, the young coachman who would spend his whole life working for them, and Ellen, the cook, came in for their morning instructions, completely filled with Irish joy at the excitement and newness of it all. Then they were gone, leaving only the couple in their new home and their newfound happiness.

And so it was they entered the enchanted land.

And so they entered the magical land.





LXXV. AS TO DESTINY

If any reader has followed these chapters thus far, he may have wondered, even if vaguely, at the seeming fatality of events. Mark Twain had but to review his own life for justification of his doctrine of inevitability—an unbroken and immutable sequence of cause and effect from the beginning. Once he said:

If any reader has followed these chapters so far, they might have wondered, even if just a little, about the seeming inevitability of events. Mark Twain only had to look back on his own life to justify his belief in inevitability—an unbroken and unchangeable chain of cause and effect from the beginning. Once he said:

“When the first living atom found itself afloat on the great Laurentian sea the first act of that first atom led to the second act of that first atom, and so on down through the succeeding ages of all life, until, if the steps could be traced, it would be shown that the first act of that first atom has led inevitably to the act of my standing here in my dressing-gown at this instant talking to you.”

“When the first living atom found itself floating on the vast Laurentian sea, its first action set off a chain of events that continued through the ages of all life. If we could trace those steps, we would see that the initial action of that first atom has ultimately led to the moment of me standing here in my dressing gown right now, talking to you.”

It seemed the clearest presentment ever offered in the matter of predestined circumstance—predestined from the instant when that primal atom felt the vital thrill. Mark Twain's early life, however imperfectly recorded, exemplifies this postulate. If through the years still ahead of us the course of destiny seems less clearly defined, it is only because thronging events make the threads less easy to trace. The web becomes richer, the pattern more intricate and confusing, but the line of fate neither breaks nor falters, to the end.

It seemed like the clearest presentation ever made about predetermined circumstances—predetermined from the moment that first atom felt its vibrant spark. Mark Twain's early life, though not perfectly documented, demonstrates this idea. If in the years ahead the path of destiny appears less clear, it’s only because the multitude of events makes it harder to follow. The web grows more complex, the pattern more intricate and confusing, but the thread of fate doesn’t snap or waver, right to the end.





LXXVI. ON THE BUFFALO “EXPRESS”

With the beginning of life in Buffalo, Mark Twain had become already a world character—a man of large consequence and events. He had no proper realization of this, no real sense of the size of his conquest; he still regarded himself merely as a lecturer and journalist, temporarily popular, but with no warrant to a permanent seat in the world's literary congress. He thought his success something of an accident. The fact that he was prepared to settle down as an editorial contributor to a newspaper in what was then only a big village is the best evidence of a modest estimate of his talents.

With the start of his life in Buffalo, Mark Twain had already become a global figure—a man of significant importance and influence. He didn’t fully recognize this or understand the extent of his achievements; he still saw himself as just a lecturer and journalist, currently popular, but without any claim to a lasting place in the literary world. He believed his success was somewhat accidental. The fact that he was ready to become an editorial contributor to a newspaper in what was then merely a large village shows he had a humble view of his abilities.

He “worked like a horse,” is the verdict of those who were closely associated with him on the Express. His hours were not regular, but they were long. Often he was at his desk at eight in the morning, and remained there until ten or eleven at night.

He “worked like a horse,” is the opinion of those who were closely associated with him on the Express. His hours weren’t regular, but they were long. Often he was at his desk by eight in the morning and stayed there until ten or eleven at night.

His working costume was suited to comfort rather than show. With coat, vest, collar, and tie usually removed (sometimes even his shoes), he lounged in his chair, in any attitude that afforded the larger ease, pulling over the exchanges; scribbling paragraphs, editorials, humorous skits, and what not, as the notion came upon him. J. L. Lamed, his co-worker (he sat on the opposite side of the same table), remembers that Mark Twain enjoyed his work as he went along—the humor of it—and that he frequently laughed as some whimsicality or new absurdity came into his mind.

His work outfit was more about comfort than style. With his coat, vest, collar, and tie usually taken off (sometimes even his shoes), he lounged in his chair in whatever position felt most comfortable, going through the newspapers; jotting down paragraphs, editorials, funny skits, and whatever else came to his mind. J. L. Lamed, his coworker (who sat across from him at the same table), remembers that Mark Twain really enjoyed his work as he went along—the humor of it—and often laughed whenever some quirky idea or new absurdity popped into his head.

“I doubt,” writes Lamed, “if he ever enjoyed anything more than the jackknife engraving that he did on a piece of board of a military map of the siege of Paris, which was printed in the Express from his original plate, with accompanying explanations and comments. His half-day of whittling and laughter that went with it are something that I find pleasant to remember. Indeed, my whole experience of association with him is a happy memory, which I am fortunate in having.... What one saw of him was always the actual Mark Twain, acting out of his own nature simply, frankly, without pretense, and almost without reserve. It was that simplicity and naturalness in the man which carried his greatest charm.”

“I doubt,” writes Lamed, “he ever enjoyed anything more than the jackknife carving he did on a piece of board featuring a military map of the siege of Paris, which was printed in the Express from his original plate, along with explanations and comments. His half-day of whittling and the laughter that came with it are something I find nice to remember. In fact, my entire experience with him is a happy memory that I feel lucky to have.... What you saw of him was always the true Mark Twain, acting out of his own nature simply, openly, without pretense, and almost without holding back. It was that simplicity and authenticity in the man that held his greatest charm.”

Lamed, like many others, likens Mark Twain to Lincoln in various of his characteristics. The two worked harmoniously together: Lamed attending to the political direction of the journal, Clemens to the literary, and what might be termed the sentimental side. There was no friction in the division of labor, never anything but good feeling between them. Clemens had a poor opinion of his own comprehension of politics, and perhaps as little regard for Lamed's conception of humor. Once when the latter attempted something in the way of pleasantry his associate said:

Lamed, like many others, compares Mark Twain to Lincoln in several of his traits. The two worked well together: Lamed focused on the political direction of the journal, while Clemens handled the literary and sentimental aspects. There was no conflict in their division of labor; they always felt good about working together. Clemens thought poorly of his own understanding of politics and might not have had a high opinion of Lamed's sense of humor either. Once, when Lamed tried to be funny, his partner said:

“Better leave the humor on this paper to me, Lamed”; and once when Lamed was away attending the Republican State Convention at Saratoga, and some editorial comment seemed necessary, Clemens thought it best to sign the utterance, and to make humor of his shortcomings.

“Better leave the humor in this paper to me, Lamed”; and once when Lamed was away at the Republican State Convention in Saratoga, and some editorial comment seemed necessary, Clemens thought it best to sign the piece and make a joke about his shortcomings.

    I do not know much about politics, and am not sitting up nights to
    learn....

    I am satisfied that these nominations are all right and sound, and
    that they are the only ones that can bring peace to our distracted
    country (the only political phrase I am perfectly familiar with and
    competent to hurl at the public with fearless confidence—the other
    editor is full of them), but being merely satisfied is not enough.
    I always like to know before I shout. But I go for Mr. Curtis with
    all my strength! Being certain of him, I hereby shout all I know
    how. But the others may be a split ticket, or a scratched ticket,
    or whatever you call it.

    I will let it alone for the present. It will keep. The other young
    man will be back to-morrow, and he will shout for it, split or no
    split, rest assured of that. He will prance into this political
    ring with his tomahawk and his war-whoop, and then you will hear a
    crash and see the scalps fly. He has none of my diffidence. He
    knows all about these nominees, and if he don't he will let on to in
    such a natural way as to deceive the most critical. He knows
    everything—he knows more than Webster's Unabridged and the American
    Encyclopedia—but whether he knows anything about a subject or not
    he is perfectly willing to discuss it. When he gets back he will
    tell you all about these candidates as serenely as if he had been
    acquainted with them a hundred years, though, speaking
    confidentially, I doubt if he ever heard of any of them till to-day.
    I am right well satisfied it is a good, sound, sensible ticket, and
    a ticket to win; but wait till he comes.

    In the mean time I go for George William Curtis and take the
    chances.
                                MARK TWAIN.
    I don’t know much about politics and I’m not losing sleep trying to learn....

    I’m confident that these nominations are solid and the only ones that can bring peace to our chaotic country (the only political term I really know and can confidently share with the public—unlike the other editor, who’s full of them), but just being confident isn’t enough. I always like to know what I’m talking about before I speak out. But I’m backing Mr. Curtis with all my strength! Being sure of him, I’m shouting all I know how. The others might be a split ticket, or a scratched ticket, or whatever you call it.

    I’ll leave it for now. It can wait. The other young man will be back tomorrow, and he’ll be shouting for it, split or not, you can count on that. He’ll jump into this political scene with his axe and his war cry, and then you’ll hear a crash and see the chaos unfold. He lacks my hesitation. He knows everything about these nominees, and if he doesn’t, he’ll act like he does in such a convincing way that it will fool the most discerning eye. He knows it all—more than Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary and the American Encyclopedia—but whether he knows anything about the subject or not, he’s completely willing to talk about it. When he gets back, he’ll tell you all about these candidates as if he’s known them for a hundred years, even though, honestly, I doubt he ever heard of any of them until today. I’m really confident it’s a solid, sensible ticket, and a ticket to win; but let’s wait for him.

    In the meantime, I’m going for George William Curtis and taking my chances.
                                MARK TWAIN.

He had become what Mr. Howells calls entirely “desouthernized” by this time. From having been of slaveholding stock, and a Confederate soldier, he had become a most positive Republican, a rampant abolitionist—had there been anything left to abolish. His sympathy had been always with the oppressed, and he had now become their defender. His work on the paper revealed this more and more. He wrote fewer sketches and more editorials, and the editorials were likely to be either savage assaults upon some human abuse, or fierce espousals of the weak. They were fearless, scathing, terrific. Of some farmers of Cohocton, who had taken the law into their own hands to punish a couple whom they believed to be a detriment to the community, he wrote:

He had become what Mr. Howells calls entirely “desouthernized” by this time. From having come from slaveholding stock and being a Confederate soldier, he had transformed into a staunch Republican, a passionate abolitionist—if there had been anything left to abolish. His sympathy had always been with the oppressed, and now he had become their advocate. His work on the paper reflected this more and more. He wrote fewer sketches and more editorials, which were likely to be either fierce attacks on some human wrong or strong support for the vulnerable. They were bold, cutting, and intense. Regarding some farmers in Cohocton, who took the law into their own hands to punish a couple they believed harmed the community, he wrote:

“The men who did that deed are capable of doing any low, sneaking, cowardly villainy that could be invented in perdition. They are the very bastards of the devil.”

“The men who did that act are capable of any despicable, sneaky, cowardly villainy imaginable in hell. They are the very spawn of the devil.”

He appended a full list of their names, and added:

He included a complete list of their names and added:

“If the farmers of Cohocton are of this complexion, what on earth must a Cohocton rough be like?”

“If the farmers of Cohocton are like this, what on earth must a Cohocton tough be like?”

But all this happened a long time ago, and we need not detail those various old interests and labors here. It is enough to say that Mark Twain on the Express was what he had been from the beginning, and would be to the end—the zealous champion of justice and liberty; violent and sometimes wrong in his viewpoint, but never less than fearless and sincere. Invariably he was for the oppressed. He had a natural instinct for the right, but, right or wrong, he was for the under dog.

But all this happened a long time ago, and we don’t need to go into detail about those various old interests and efforts here. It’s enough to say that Mark Twain on the Express was what he had always been and would continue to be—the passionate advocate for justice and freedom; intense and sometimes mistaken in his perspective, but always fearless and genuine. He was consistently on the side of the oppressed. He had a natural instinct for what was right, but, right or wrong, he was always for the underdog.

Among the best of his editorial contributions is a tribute to Anson Burlingame, who died February 23, 1870, at St. Petersburg, on his trip around the world as special ambassador for the Chinese Empire. In this editorial Clemens endeavored to pay something of his debt to the noble statesman. He reviewed Burlingame's astonishing career—the career which had closed at forty-seven, and read like a fairy-tale-and he dwelt lovingly on his hero's nobility of character. At the close he said:

Among his best editorial contributions is a tribute to Anson Burlingame, who died on February 23, 1870, in St. Petersburg during his trip around the world as a special ambassador for the Chinese Empire. In this editorial, Clemens tried to express his appreciation for the noble statesman. He reflected on Burlingame's remarkable career, which ended at forty-seven and felt like a fairy tale, and he spoke fondly of his hero's noble character. At the end, he said:

“He was a good man, and a very, very great man. America, lost a son, and all the world a servant, when he died.”

“He was a good man and a truly great man. America lost a son, and the whole world lost a servant when he died.”

Among those early contributions to the Express is a series called “Around the World,” an attempt at collaboration with Prof. D. R. Ford, who did the actual traveling, while Mark Twain, writing in the first person, gave the letters his literary stamp. At least some of the contributions were written in this way, such as “Adventures in Hayti,” “The Pacific,” and “Japan.” These letters exist to-day only in the old files of the Express, and indeed this is the case with most of Clemens's work for that paper. It was mainly ephemeral or timely work, and its larger value has disappeared. Here and there is a sentence worth remembering. Of two practical jokers who sent in a marriage notice of persons not even contemplating matrimony, he said: “This deceit has been practised maliciously by a couple of men whose small souls will escape through their pores some day if they do not varnish their hides.”

Among the early contributions to the Express is a series called “Around the World,” which was a collaboration with Prof. D. R. Ford, who did the actual traveling, while Mark Twain, writing from a first-person perspective, gave the letters his literary touch. At least some of the contributions were written this way, like “Adventures in Hayti,” “The Pacific,” and “Japan.” These letters only exist today in the old files of the Express, and this is true for most of Clemens's work for that paper. It was mainly short-lived or timely work, and its greater value has faded. Here and there is a memorable sentence. Regarding two practical jokers who submitted a marriage notice for people not even considering marriage, he said: “This deceit has been maliciously practiced by a couple of men whose small souls will eventually escape through their pores if they don’t varnish their hides.”

Some of the sketches have been preserved. “Journalism in Tennessee,” one of the best of his wilder burlesques, is as enjoyable to-day as when written. “A Curious Dream” made a lasting impression on his Buffalo readers, and you are pretty certain to hear of it when you mention Mark Twain in that city to-day. It vividly called attention to the neglect of the old North Street graveyard. The gruesome vision of the ancestors deserting with their coffins on their backs was even more humiliating than amusing, and inspired a movement for reform. It has been effective elsewhere since then, and may still be read with profit—or satisfaction—for in a note at the end the reader is assured that if the cemeteries of his town are kept in good order the dream is not leveled at his town at all, but “particularly and venomously at the next town.”

Some of the sketches have been kept. “Journalism in Tennessee,” one of his best wild burlesques, is just as enjoyable today as it was when it was written. “A Curious Dream” left a lasting mark on his readers in Buffalo, and you're likely to hear about it when you bring up Mark Twain in that city today. It sharply pointed out the neglect of the old North Street graveyard. The unsettling image of ancestors carrying their coffins was more humbling than funny, and it sparked a movement for change. This has had an impact elsewhere since then, and it can still be read with benefit—or satisfaction—because a note at the end reassures the reader that if the cemeteries in their town are well-maintained, the dream isn’t aimed at them at all, but “particularly and venomously at the next town.”





LXXVII. THE “GALAXY”

Mark Twain's work on the Express represented only a portion of his literary activities during his Buffalo residence. The Galaxy, an ambitious New York magazine of that day—[published by Sheldon & Co. at 498 and 500 Broadway]—proposed to him that he conduct for them a humorous department. They would pay $2,400 a year for the work, and allow him a free hand. There was some discussion as to book rights, but the arrangement was concluded, and his first instalment, under the general title of “Memoranda,” appeared in the May number, 1870. In his Introductory he outlined what the reader might expect, such as “exhaustive statistical tables,” “Patent Office reports,” and “complete instructions about farming, even from the grafting of the seed to the harrowing of the matured crops.” He declared that he would throw a pathos into the subject of agriculture that would surprise and delight the world. He added that the “Memoranda” was not necessarily a humorous department.

Mark Twain's work for the Express was just a part of his writing during his time in Buffalo. The Galaxy, a notable New York magazine back then—[published by Sheldon & Co. at 498 and 500 Broadway]—offered him the chance to run a humor section. They were willing to pay $2,400 a year for this, giving him complete creative freedom. There was some talk about book rights, but they came to an agreement, and his first piece, titled “Memoranda,” was published in the May 1870 issue. In his introduction, he outlined what readers could expect, including “detailed statistical tables,” “Patent Office reports,” and “full instructions on farming, from planting seeds to harvesting the crops.” He promised to add a depth of feeling to agriculture that would surprise and entertain everyone. He also stated that the “Memoranda” was not just a humor section.

    I would not conduct an exclusively and professedly humorous
    department for any one. I would always prefer to have the privilege
    of printing a serious and sensible remark, in case one occurred to
    me, without the reader's feeling obliged to consider himself
    outraged.... Puns cannot be allowed a place in this department....
    No circumstance, however dismal, will ever be considered a
    sufficient excuse for the admission of that last and saddest
    evidence of intellectual poverty, the pun.
    I wouldn't run a department that's solely and obviously humorous for anyone. I'd always want the chance to print a serious and thoughtful comment if one came to me, without the reader feeling forced to think they're being offended... Puns aren't allowed in this department... No situation, no matter how gloomy, will ever be seen as a good enough reason to include that final and most depressing sign of mental weakness, the pun.

The Galaxy was really a fine magazine, with the best contributors obtainable; among them Justin McCarthy, S. M. B. Piatt, Richard Grant White, and many others well known in that day, with names that still flicker here and there in its literary twilight. The new department appealed to Clemens, and very soon he was writing most of his sketches for it. They were better literature, as a rule, than those published in his own paper.

The Galaxy was a great magazine, featuring top-notch contributors like Justin McCarthy, S. M. B. Piatt, Richard Grant White, and many others who were well-known at the time, with names that still pop up occasionally in its literary history. The new section caught Clemens' interest, and before long, he was writing most of his sketches for it. Generally, they were of higher quality than those published in his own paper.

The first number of the “Memoranda” was fairly representative of those that followed it. “The Facts in the Case of the Great Beef Contract,” a manuscript which he had undertaken three years before and mislaid, was its initial contribution. Besides the “Beef Contract,” there was a tribute to George Wakeman, a well-known journalist of those days; a stricture on the Rev. T. DeWitt Talmage, who had delivered from the pulpit an argument against workingmen occupying pews in fashionable churches; a presentment of the Chinese situation in San Francisco, depicting the cruel treatment of the Celestial immigrant; a burlesque of the Sunday-school “good little boy” story,—[“The Story of the Good Little Boy Who Did Not Prosper” and the “Beef Contract” are included in Sketches New and Old; also the Chinese sketch, under the title, “Disgraceful Persecution of a Boy.”]—and several shorter skits—and anecdotes, ten pages in all; a rather generous contract.

The first issue of the “Memoranda” was pretty typical of those that came after it. “The Facts in the Case of the Great Beef Contract,” a manuscript he started three years earlier and then misplaced, was its opening feature. In addition to the “Beef Contract,” there was a tribute to George Wakeman, a well-known journalist from that time; a critique of Rev. T. DeWitt Talmage, who had argued from the pulpit against working-class people sitting in pews at fancy churches; a presentation of the Chinese situation in San Francisco, showing the harsh treatment of Chinese immigrants; a spoof on the Sunday-school “good little boy” tale—["The Story of the Good Little Boy Who Did Not Prosper" and the "Beef Contract" are included in Sketches New and Old; also the Chinese sketch, titled, “Disgraceful Persecution of a Boy.”]—along with several shorter sketches and anecdotes, totaling ten pages; a pretty generous offering.

Mark Twain's comment on Talmage was prompted by an article in which Talmage had assumed the premise that if workingmen attended the churches it would drive the better class of worshipers away. Among other things he said:

Mark Twain's comment on Talmage was triggered by an article in which Talmage suggested that if working-class people went to churches, it would push away the more affluent worshipers. Among other things, he said:

    I have a good Christian friend who, if he sat in the front pew in
    church, and a workingman should enter the door at the other end,
    would smell him instantly. My friend is not to blame for the
    sensitiveness of his nose, any more than you would flog a pointer
    for being keener on the scent than a stupid watch-dog. The fact is,
    if you had all the churches free, by reason of the mixing of the
    common people with the uncommon, you would keep one-half of
    Christendom sick at their stomach. If you are going to kill the
    church thus with bad smells I will have nothing to do with this work
    of evangelization.
I have a good Christian friend who, if he sat in the front row at church and a workingman walked in through the door at the other end, would smell him immediately. My friend isn’t to blame for how sensitive his nose is, just like you wouldn’t scold a hunting dog for having a better sense of smell than a slow-witted watchdog. The truth is, if you made all the churches accessible, because of the mixing of regular people with the extraordinary, you’d leave half of Christendom feeling nauseous. If you’re going to ruin the church with bad odors like that, I want nothing to do with this evangelization effort.

Commenting on this Mark Twain said—well, he said a good deal more than we have room for here, but a portion of his closing paragraphs is worth preserving. He compares the Reverend Mr. Talmage with the early disciples of Christ—Paul and Peter and the others; or, rather, he contrasts him with them.

Commenting on this, Mark Twain said—well, he said a lot more than we have space for here, but part of his concluding paragraphs is worth keeping. He compares Reverend Mr. Talmage to the early disciples of Christ—Paul, Peter, and the others; or, more accurately, he contrasts him with them.

    They healed the very beggars, and held intercourse with people of a
    villainous odor every day. If the subject of these remarks had been
    chosen among the original Twelve Apostles he would not have
    associated with the rest, because he could not have stood the fishy
    smell of some of his comrades who came from around the Sea of
    Galilee. He would have resigned his commission with some such
    remark as he makes in the extract quoted above: “Master, if thou art
    going to kill the church thus with bad smells I will have nothing to
    do with this work of evangelization.” He is a disciple, and makes
    that remark to the Master; the only difference is that he makes it
    in the nineteenth instead of the first century.
They cared for the very beggars and interacted with people who had a terrible smell every day. If the person being discussed had been chosen from the original Twelve Apostles, he wouldn’t have mingled with the others because he couldn’t handle the fishy odor of some of his friends from around the Sea of Galilee. He would have quit his position with a comment like the one quoted above: “Master, if you’re going to ruin the church with bad smells, I want nothing to do with this work of spreading the gospel.” He is a disciple and says this to the Master; the only difference is that he says it in the nineteenth century instead of the first.

Talmage was immensely popular at this time, and Mark Twain's open attack on him must have shocked a good many Galaxy readers, as perhaps his article on the Chinese cruelties offended the citizens of San Francisco. It did not matter. He was not likely to worry over the friends he would lose because of any stand taken for human justice. Lamed said of him: “He was very far from being one who tried in any way to make himself popular.” Certainly he never made any such attempt at the expense of his convictions.

Talmage was incredibly popular during this time, and Mark Twain's direct criticism of him must have surprised a lot of Galaxy readers, just as his article about the Chinese atrocities probably upset the people of San Francisco. But that didn't matter. He wasn't likely to be concerned about the friends he might lose for standing up for human rights. Lamed remarked about him: “He was very far from being someone who tried in any way to make himself popular.” Clearly, he never tried to gain popularity at the cost of his beliefs.

The first Galaxy instalment was a sort of platform of principles for the campaign that was to follow. Not that each month's contribution contained personal criticism, or a defense of the Chinese (of whom he was always the champion as long as he lived), but a good many of them did. In the October number he began a series of letters under the general title of “Goldsmith's Friend Abroad Again,” supposed to have been written by a Chinese immigrant in San Francisco, detailing his experience there. In a note the author says: “No experience is set down in the following letters which had to be invented. Fancy is not needed to give variety to the history of the Chinaman's sojourn in America. Plain fact is amply sufficient.” The letters show how the supposed Chinese writer of them had set out for America, believing it to be a land whose government was based on the principle that all men are created equal, and treated accordingly; how, upon arriving in San Francisco, he was kicked and bruised and beaten, and set upon by dogs, flung into jail, tried and condemned without witnesses, his own race not being allowed to testify against Americans—Irish-Americans—in the San Francisco court. They are scathing, powerful letters, and one cannot read them, even in this day of improved conditions, without feeling the hot waves of resentment and indignation which Mark Twain must have felt when he penned them.

The first Galaxy installment served as a foundation for the campaign that would follow. Not every monthly contribution included personal criticism or a defense of the Chinese (whom he championed throughout his life), but many did. In the October issue, he started a series of letters titled “Goldsmith's Friend Abroad Again,” supposedly written by a Chinese immigrant in San Francisco, detailing his experiences there. In a note, the author states: “No experience is set down in the following letters which had to be invented. Imagination is not needed to add variety to the history of the Chinese man's time in America. Plain fact is more than enough.” The letters depict how the fictional Chinese writer set off for America, believing it to be a land where the government was based on the idea that all men are created equal, and treated that way; how, upon arriving in San Francisco, he was kicked, bruised, beaten, attacked by dogs, thrown in jail, tried and condemned without witnesses, with his own race not allowed to testify against Americans—Irish-Americans—in the San Francisco court. They are sharp, powerful letters, and even today, with better conditions, reading them stirs up the strong feelings of anger and injustice that Mark Twain must have felt while writing them.

Reverend Mr. Talmage was not the only divine to receive attention in the “Memoranda.” The Reverend Mr. Sabine, of New York, who had declined to hold a church burial service for the old actor, George Holland, came in for the most caustic as well as the most artistic stricture of the entire series. It deserves preservation to-day, not only for its literary value, but because no finer defense of the drama, no more searching sermon on self-righteousness, has ever been put into concrete form.—[“The Indignity Put Upon the Remains of Gorge Holland by the Rev. Mr. Sabine”; Galaxy for February, 1871. The reader will find it complete under Appendix J, at the end of last volume.]

Reverend Mr. Talmage wasn't the only clergyman to get attention in the “Memoranda.” The Reverend Mr. Sabine from New York, who refused to conduct a church burial service for the old actor George Holland, received the most biting as well as the most artistic criticism in the entire series. It deserves to be preserved today, not only for its literary value but because no better defense of drama or more probing sermon on self-righteousness has ever been articulated in such a concrete way.—[“The Indignity Put Upon the Remains of George Holland by the Rev. Mr. Sabine”; Galaxy for February, 1871. The reader will find it complete under Appendix J, at the end of last volume.]

The “Little Church Around the Corner” on Twenty-ninth Street received that happy title from this incident.

The “Little Church Around the Corner” on Twenty-ninth Street got its cheerful name from this event.

“There is a little church around the corner that will, perhaps, permit the service,” Mr. Sabine had said to Holland's friends.

“There’s a small church around the corner that might, maybe, allow the service,” Mr. Sabine had said to Holland’s friends.

The little church did permit the service, and there was conferred upon it the new name, which it still bears. It has sheltered a long line of actor folk and their friends since then, earning thereby reverence, gratitude, and immortal memory.—[Church of the Transfiguration. Memorial services were held there for Joseph Jefferson; and a memorial window, by John La Farge, has been placed there in memory of Edwin Booth.]

The small church allowed the service to take place, and it was given a new name, which it still holds today. Since then, it has hosted a long line of actors and their friends, earning respect, gratitude, and lasting memories. —[Church of the Transfiguration. Memorial services were held there for Joseph Jefferson; a memorial window by John La Farge has been installed there in memory of Edwin Booth.]

Of the Galaxy contributions a number are preserved in Sketches New and Old. “How I Edited an Agricultural Paper” is one of the best of these—an excellent example of Mark Twain's more extravagant style of humor. It is perennially delightful; in France it has been dramatized, and is still played.

A number of contributions from the Galaxy are preserved in Sketches New and Old. “How I Edited an Agricultural Paper” is one of the best examples—it's a great representation of Mark Twain's more over-the-top style of humor. It's always enjoyable; in France, it has been turned into a play and is still performed.

A successful Galaxy feature, also preserved in the Sketches, was the “Burlesque Map of Paris,” reprinted from the Express. The Franco-Prussian War was in progress, and this travesty was particularly timely. It creates only a smile of amusement to-day, but it was all fresh and delightful then. Schuyler Colfax, by this time Vice-President, wrote to him: “I have had the heartiest possible laugh over it, and so have all my family. You are a wicked, conscienceless wag, who ought to be punished severely.”

A popular Galaxy feature, also included in the Sketches, was the “Burlesque Map of Paris,” reprinted from the Express. The Franco-Prussian War was ongoing, and this parody was especially relevant at the time. It brings only a smile of amusement today, but it was all new and entertaining back then. Schuyler Colfax, who was now Vice-President, wrote to him: “I’ve had the biggest laugh over it, and so has my whole family. You are a mischievous, remorseless jokester who deserves to be punished severely.”

The “Official Commendations,” which accompany the map, are its chief charm. They are from Grant, Bismarck, Brigham Young, and others, the best one coming from one J. Smith, who says:

The “Official Commendations,” which come with the map, are its main attraction. They are from Grant, Bismarck, Brigham Young, and others, with the best one coming from a J. Smith, who says:

    My wife was for years afflicted with freckles, and though everything
    was done for her relief that could be done, all was in vain. But,
    sir, since her first glance at your map they have entirely left her.
    She has nothing but convulsions now.
    My wife had freckles for years, and despite trying everything to help her, it was all pointless. But, sir, ever since she saw your map, they completely disappeared. Now she just has convulsions.

It is said that the “Map of Paris” found its way to Berlin, where the American students in the beer-halls used to pretend to quarrel over it until they attracted the attention of the German soldiers that might be present. Then they would wander away and leave it on the table and watch results. The soldiers would pounce upon it and lose their tempers over it; then finally abuse it and revile its author, to the satisfaction of everybody.

It’s said that the “Map of Paris” made its way to Berlin, where American students in the beer halls would pretend to argue over it until they caught the attention of any German soldiers nearby. Then they would stroll away, leaving it on the table to see what would happen. The soldiers would jump on it, get frustrated, and eventually trash it while insulting its creator, much to everyone’s amusement.

The larger number of “Memoranda” sketches have properly found oblivion to-day. They were all, or nearly all, collected by a Canadian pirate, C. A. Backas, in a volume bearing the title of Memoranda,—[Also by a harpy named John Camden Hotten (of London), of whom we shall hear again. Hotten had already pirated The Innocents, and had it on the market before Routledge could bring out the authorized edition. Routledge later published the “Memoranda” under the title of Sketches, including the contents of the Jumping Frog book.]—a book long ago suppressed. Only about twenty of the Galaxy contributions found place in Sketches New and Old, five years later, and some of these might have been spared as literature. “To Raise Poultry,” “John Chinaman in New York,” and “History Repeats Itself” are valuable only as examples of his work at that period. The reader may consult them for himself.

The larger collection of “Memoranda” sketches has mostly been forgotten today. They were all, or almost all, gathered by a Canadian pirate, C. A. Backas, in a book titled Memoranda,—[Also by a scammer named John Camden Hotten (from London), who we'll hear about again. Hotten had already pirated The Innocents and had it available before Routledge could release the official edition. Routledge later published the “Memoranda” under the title of Sketches, which included contents from the Jumping Frog book.]—a book that was suppressed long ago. Only about twenty of the Galaxy contributions were included in Sketches New and Old, published five years later, and some of these could have been kept as worthwhile literature. “To Raise Poultry,” “John Chinaman in New York,” and “History Repeats Itself” are only valuable as examples of his work during that time. The reader can check them out for themselves.





LXXVIII. THE PRIMROSE PATH

But we are losing sight of more important things. From the very beginning Mark Twain's home meant always more to him than his work. The life at 472 Delaware Avenue had begun with as fair a promise as any matrimonial journey ever undertaken: There seemed nothing lacking: a beautiful home, sufficient income, bright prospects—these things, with health and love; constitute married happiness. Mrs. Clemens wrote to her sister, Mrs. Crane, at the end of February: “Sue, we are two as happy people as you ever saw. Our days seem to be made up of only bright sunlight, with no shadow in them.” In the same letter the husband added: “Livy pines and pines every day for you, and I pine and pine every day for you, and when we both of us are pining at once you would think it was a whole pine forest let loose.”

But we’re losing sight of more important things. From the very start, Mark Twain’s home meant more to him than his work. Life at 472 Delaware Avenue began with as much promise as any marriage ever could: there seemed to be nothing missing—a beautiful home, enough income, bright prospects—these things, along with health and love, make for a happy marriage. Mrs. Clemens wrote to her sister, Mrs. Crane, at the end of February: “Sue, we are as happy as two people can be. Our days feel like nothing but bright sunshine, with no shadows in sight.” In the same letter, her husband added: “Livy misses you more and more every day, and I miss you more and more every day too, and when we’re both missing you at the same time, you’d think it was a whole pine forest let loose.”

To Redpath, who was urging lecture engagements for the coming season, he wrote:

To Redpath, who was pressing for lecture bookings for the upcoming season, he wrote:

    DEAR RED,—I am not going to lecture any more forever. I have got
    things ciphered down to a fraction now. I know just about what it
    will cost to live, and I can make the money without lecturing.
    Therefore, old man, count me out.
    DEAR RED,—I’m done with lecturing for good. I’ve figured out the costs down to a science now. I know roughly how much it will take to live, and I can earn that money without having to lecture. So, my friend, count me out.

And still later, in May:

And later, in May:

    I guess I am out of the field permanently. Have got a lovely wife,
    a lovely house, bewitchingly furnished, a lovely carriage, and a
    coachman whose style and dignity are simply awe-in-spiring, nothing
    less; and I am making more money than necessary, by considerable,
    and therefore why crucify myself nightly on the platform? The
    subscriber will have to be excused for the present season at least.
    I guess I'm out of the game for good. I have a wonderful wife, a beautiful house that's charmingly decorated, a nice carriage, and a coachman whose style and dignity are truly impressive. I'm also earning quite a bit more than I need, so why should I put myself through the grind of performing on stage every night? The subscribers will need to forgive me for at least this season.

So they were very happy during those early months, acquiring pleasantly the education which any matrimonial experience is sure to furnish, accustoming themselves to the uses of housekeeping, to life in partnership, with all the discoveries and mental and spiritual adaptations that belong to the close association of marriage. They were far, very far, apart on many subjects. He was unpolished, untrained, impulsive, sometimes violent. Twichell remembers that in the earlier days of their acquaintance he wore a slouch hat pulled down in front, and smoked a cigar that sometimes tilted up and touched the brim of it. The atmosphere and customs of frontier life, the Westernisms of that day, still clung to him. Mrs. Clemens, on the other hand, was conservative, dainty, cultured, spiritual. He adored her as little less than a saint, and she became, indeed, his saving grace. She had all the personal refinement which he lacked, and she undertook the work of polishing and purifying her life companion. She had no wish to destroy his personality, to make him over, but only to preserve his best, and she set about it in the right way—gently, and with a tender gratitude in each achievement.

They were really happy during those early months, pleasantly learning the lessons that come with marriage, getting used to managing a household, and sharing life together with all the insights and personal growth that come from a close relationship. They had many differences. He was rough around the edges, unrefined, spontaneous, and sometimes even aggressive. Twichell remembers that in the early days of their friendship, he wore a slouch hat pulled down low and smoked a cigar that sometimes tilted up against the brim. The vibe and customs of frontier life, along with the Western attitudes of that time, still lingered with him. Mrs. Clemens, in contrast, was traditional, elegant, cultured, and spiritual. He idolized her, seeing her as almost a saint, and she truly became his saving grace. She possessed all the refinement that he lacked, and she took it upon herself to polish and uplift her partner's life. She didn't want to erase his personality or change who he was; she just aimed to highlight his best qualities, and she went about it the right way—gently, with heartfelt appreciation for each accomplishment.

She did not entirely approve of certain lines of his reading; or, rather, she did not understand them in those days. That he should be fond of history and the sciences was natural enough, but when the Life of P. T. Barnum, Written by Himself, appeared, and he sat up nights to absorb it, and woke early and lighted the lamp to follow the career of the great showman, she was at a loss to comprehend this particular literary passion, and indeed was rather jealous of it. She did not realize then his vast interest in the study of human nature, or that such a book contained what Mr. Howells calls “the root of the human matter,” the inner revelation of the human being at first hand.

She didn’t completely approve of some of his reading choices; rather, she just didn’t get them at that time. It made sense that he liked history and science, but when the Life of P. T. Barnum, Written by Himself came out, and he stayed up late to read it, then woke up early to light the lamp and dive into the life of the famous showman, she couldn’t understand this specific literary obsession and actually felt a bit envious of it. She didn’t realize then how deeply interested he was in studying human nature, or that such a book held what Mr. Howells refers to as “the root of the human matter,” the direct insight into the human experience.

Concerning his religious observances her task in the beginning was easy enough. Clemens had not at that time formulated any particular doctrines of his own. His natural kindness of heart, and especially his love for his wife, inclined him toward the teachings and customs of her Christian faith—unorthodox but sincere, as Christianity in the Langdon family was likely to be. It took very little persuasion on his wife's part to establish family prayers in their home, grace before meals, and the morning reading of a Bible chapter. Joe Goodman, who made a trip East, and visited them during the early days of their married life, was dumfounded to see Mark Twain ask a blessing and join in family worship. Just how long these forms continued cannot be known to-day; the time of their abandonment has perished from the recollection of any one now living.

Concerning his religious practices, her job at first was pretty straightforward. Clemens hadn't developed any specific beliefs of his own at that time. His natural kindness, especially his love for his wife, made him open to the teachings and customs of her Christian faith—unorthodox but genuine, as Christianity was likely to be in the Langdon family. It took very little convincing from his wife to establish family prayers in their home, saying grace before meals, and reading a chapter from the Bible each morning. Joe Goodman, who traveled East and visited them during the early days of their marriage, was shocked to see Mark Twain ask for a blessing and participate in family worship. How long these traditions continued is unknown today; the details of their discontinuation have faded from the memory of anyone alive.

It would seem to have been the Bible-reading that wrought the change. The prayer and the blessing were to him sincere and gracious; but as the readings continued he realized that he had never before considered the Bible from a doctrinal point of view, as a guide to spiritual salvation. To his logical reasoning mind, a large portion of it seemed absurd: a mass of fables and traditions, mere mythology. From such material humanity had built its mightiest edifice of hope, the doctrines of its faith. After a little while he could stand it no longer.

It seems that the Bible readings caused the change. The prayer and the blessing felt genuine and kind to him; however, as the readings went on, he realized he had never really thought about the Bible as a doctrinal guide to spiritual salvation before. To his logical mind, a lot of it seemed ridiculous: a bunch of fables and traditions, just mythology. From that material, humanity had constructed its greatest structure of hope, the doctrines of its faith. After a while, he couldn't take it anymore.

“Livy,” he said one day, “you may keep this up if you want to, but I must ask you to excuse me from it. It is making me a hypocrite. I don't believe in this Bible. It contradicts my reason. I can't sit here and listen to it, letting you believe that I regard it, as you do, in the light of gospel, the word of God.”

“Livy,” he said one day, “you can keep doing this if you want, but I have to ask you to let me off. It’s turning me into a hypocrite. I don’t believe in this Bible. It goes against my reason. I can’t sit here and listen to it, pretending that I see it, like you do, as gospel, the word of God.”

He was moved to write an article on the human idea of God, ancient and modern. It contained these paragraphs:

He felt compelled to write an article about the human concept of God, both ancient and modern. It included these paragraphs:

    The difference in importance, between the God of the Bible and the
    God of the present day, cannot be described, it can only be vaguely
    and inadequately figured to the mind.... If you make figures
    to represent the earth and moon, and allow a space of one inch
    between them, to represent the four hundred thousand miles of
    distance which lies between the two bodies, the map will have to be
    eleven miles long in order to bring in the nearest fixed star.
    —[His figures were far too small. A map drawn on the scale of
    400,000 miles to the inch would need to be 1,100 miles long to take
    in both the earth and the nearest fixed star. On such a map the
    earth would be one-fiftieth of an inch in diameter—the size of a
    small grain of sand.]—So one cannot put the modern heavens on a
    map, nor the modern God; but the Bible God and the Bible heavens can
    be set down on a slate and yet not be discommoded....

    The difference between that universe and the modern one revealed by
    science is as the difference between a dust-flecked ray in a barn
    and the sublime arch of the Milky Way in the skies. Its God was
    strictly proportioned to its dimensions. His sole solicitude was
    about a handful of truculent nomads. He worried and fretted over
    them in a peculiarly and distractingly human way. One day he coaxed
    and petted them beyond their due, the next he harried and lashed
    them beyond their deserts. He sulked, he cursed, he raged, he
    grieved, according to his mood and the circumstances, but all to no
    purpose; his efforts were all vain, he could not govern them. When
    the fury was on him he was blind to all reason—he not only
    slaughtered the offender, but even his harmless little children and
    dumb cattle....

    To trust the God of the Bible is to trust an irascible, vindictive,
    fierce and ever fickle and changeful master; to trust the true God
    is to trust a Being who has uttered no promises, but whose
    beneficent, exact, and changeless ordering of the machinery of his
    colossal universe is proof that he is at least steadfast to his
    purposes; whose unwritten laws, so far as they affect man, being
    equal and impartial, show that he is just and fair; these things,
    taken together, suggest that if he shall ordain us to live
    hereafter, he will still be steadfast, just, and fair toward us. We
    shall not need to require anything more.
The difference in importance between the God of the Bible and the God of today is impossible to fully describe; it can only be vaguely imagined. If you create representations of the Earth and the moon, leaving an inch between them to symbolize the four hundred thousand miles that separate them, the map would need to be eleven miles long to include the nearest fixed star. —[His figures were far too small. A map drawn to the scale of 400,000 miles per inch would actually need to be 1,100 miles long to include both the Earth and the nearest fixed star. On such a map, the Earth would be one-fiftieth of an inch in diameter—the size of a small grain of sand.]—So, you can't map the modern heavens or the modern God; but the God of the Bible and the biblical heavens can be drawn on a slate without causing any problems. 

The difference between that universe and the one revealed by modern science is like the difference between a ray of light specked with dust in a barn and the magnificent expanse of the Milky Way. The God of that universe was perfectly fitted to its scale. His only concern was for a handful of troublesome nomads, whom he obsessively cared about in a disturbingly human way. One day he would pamper them beyond what they deserved, and the next he would punish and torment them excessively. He sulked, cursed, raged, and grieved, depending on his mood and the situation, but all in vain; he couldn't control them. When he was angry, he ignored all reason—not only did he slay the wrongdoer, but also their innocent children and livestock. 

To trust the God of the Bible is to trust an irritable, vengeful, fierce, and ever-changing master; to trust the true God is to trust a Being who hasn’t made any promises but demonstrates that he is at least consistent in managing the vast machinery of his colossal universe; whose unwritten laws, affecting humanity in an equal and fair manner, show that he is just and impartial. Taken together, these factors suggest that if he decides to allow us to live beyond this life, he will remain steadfast, just, and fair towards us. We won't need to ask for anything more.

It seems mild enough, obvious, even orthodox, now—so far have we traveled in forty years. But such a declaration then would have shocked a great number of sincerely devout persons. His wife prevailed upon him not to print it. She respected his honesty—even his reasoning, but his doubts were a long grief to her, nevertheless. In time she saw more clearly with his vision, but this was long after, when she had lived more with the world, had become more familiar with its larger needs, and the proportions of created things.

It seems pretty mild, even obvious and conventional now—given how far we've come in forty years. But back then, such a statement would have shocked a lot of genuinely religious people. His wife urged him not to publish it. She respected his honesty and even his logic, but his doubts were a constant source of pain for her. Over time, she started to see things from his perspective, but that happened much later, after she had experienced more of the world and understood its broader needs and the bigger picture of existence.

They did not mingle much or long with the social life of Buffalo. They received and returned calls, attended an occasional reception; but neither of them found such things especially attractive in those days, so they remained more and more in their own environment. There is an anecdote which seems to belong here.

They didn't socialize much or for long in Buffalo. They made and received calls and went to an occasional gathering; however, neither of them found these activities particularly appealing at that time, so they increasingly stayed within their own circle. There's a story that seems relevant here.

One Sunday morning Clemens noticed smoke pouring from the upper window of the house across the street. The owner and his wife, comparatively newcomers, were seated upon the veranda, evidently not aware of impending danger. The Clemens household thus far had delayed calling on them, but Clemens himself now stepped briskly across the street. Bowing with leisurely politeness, he said:

One Sunday morning, Clemens saw smoke streaming from the upper window of the house across the street. The owner and his wife, relatively new to the neighborhood, were sitting on the porch, clearly unaware of the looming danger. The Clemens family had postponed visiting them until now, but Clemens quickly walked across the street. With a relaxed bow, he said:

“My name is Clemens; we ought to have called on you before, and I beg your pardon for intruding now in this informal way, but your house is on fire.”

“My name is Clemens; we should have visited you sooner, and I apologize for dropping by like this, but your house is on fire.”

Almost the only intimate friends they had in Buffalo were in the family of David Gray, the poet-editor of the Courier. Gray was a gentle, lovable man. “The gentlest spirit and the loveliest that ever went clothed in clay, since Sir Galahad laid him to rest,” Mark Twain once said of him. Both Gray and Clemens were friends of John Hay, and their families soon became intimate. Perhaps, in time, the Clemens household would have found other as good friends in the Buffalo circles; but heavy clouds that had lain unseen just beyond the horizon during those earlier months of marriage rose suddenly into view, and the social life, whatever it might have become, was no longer a consideration.

Almost the only close friends they had in Buffalo were the family of David Gray, the poet-editor of the Courier. Gray was a gentle, lovable man. “The gentlest spirit and the loveliest that ever went clothed in clay, since Sir Galahad laid him to rest,” Mark Twain once said about him. Both Gray and Clemens were friends of John Hay, and their families quickly became close. Maybe, over time, the Clemens household would have made other good friends in Buffalo’s social scene; but heavy clouds that had been lurking unseen just beyond the horizon during those early months of marriage suddenly came into view, and the social life, whatever it might have developed into, was no longer relevant.





LXXIX. THE OLD HUMAN STORY

Jervis Langdon was never able to accept his son-in-law's invitation to the new home. His health began to fail that spring, and at the end of March, with his physician and Mrs. Langdon, he made a trip to the South. In a letter written at Richmond he said, “I have thrown off all care,” and named a list of the four great interests in which he was involved. Under “number 5,” he included “everything,” adding, “so you see how good I am to follow the counsel of my children.” He closed: “Samuel, I love your wife and she loves me. I think it is only fair that you should know it, but you need not flare up. I loved her before you did, and she loved me before she did you, and has not ceased since. I see no way but for you to make the most of it.” He was already a very ill man, and this cheerful letter was among the last he ever wrote.

Jervis Langdon was never able to accept his son-in-law's invitation to their new home. His health began to decline that spring, and at the end of March, accompanied by his doctor and Mrs. Langdon, he took a trip to the South. In a letter written in Richmond, he stated, “I have let go of all worries,” and listed the four main interests he was involved in. Under “number 5,” he wrote “everything,” adding, “so you see how nice I am to take my children's advice.” He ended with: “Samuel, I love your wife, and she loves me. I think it’s only fair for you to know this, but you don't need to get upset. I loved her before you did, and she loved me before she loved you, and she hasn’t stopped since. I see no other way but for you to make the best of it.” He was already quite unwell, and this upbeat letter was one of the last he ever wrote.

He was absent six weeks and seemed to improve, but suffered an attack early in May; in June his condition became critical. Clemens and his wife were summoned to Elmira, and joined in the nursing, day and night. Clemens surprised every one by his ability as a nurse. His delicacy and thoughtfulness were unfailing; his original ways of doing things always amused and interested the patient. In later years Mark Twain once said:

He was away for six weeks and seemed to get better, but had a setback in early May; by June, his condition became critical. Clemens and his wife were called to Elmira and took turns nursing him, day and night. Clemens amazed everyone with his nursing skills. His sensitivity and care never wavered; his unique methods of doing things always entertained and engaged the patient. In later years, Mark Twain once said:

    “How much of the nursing did I do? My main watch was from midnight
    to four in the morning, nearly four hours. My other watch was a
    midday watch, and I think it was nearly three hours. The two
    sisters divided the remaining seventeen hours of the twenty-four
    hours between them, and each of them tried generously and
    persistently to swindle the other out of a part of her watch. I
    went to bed early every night, and tried to get sleep enough by
    midnight to fit me for my work, but it was always a failure. I went
    on watch sleepy and remained miserable, sleepy, and wretched,
    straight along through the four hours. I can still see myself
    sitting by that bed in the melancholy stillness of the sweltering
    night, mechanically waving a palm-leaf fan over the drawn, white
    face of the patient. I can still recall my noddings, my fleeting
    unconsciousness, when the fan would come to a standstill in my hand,
    and I woke up with a start and a hideous shock. During all that
    dreary time I began to watch for the dawn long before it came. When
    the first faint gray showed through the window-blinds I felt as no
    doubt a castaway feels when the dim threads of the looked-for ship
    appear against the sky. I was well and strong, but I was a man,
    afflicted with a man's infirmity—lack of endurance.”
 
“How much nursing did I actually do? My main shift was from midnight to four in the morning, almost four hours. My other shift was during the day, and I think it lasted nearly three hours. The two nurses split the remaining seventeen hours of the twenty-four-hour period between them, each of them trying hard to take some of the other's time. I went to bed early each night, trying to get enough sleep by midnight to prepare for my work, but it never worked out. I went on duty sleepy and felt miserable, tired, and unhappy throughout those four hours. I can still picture myself sitting by that bed in the oppressive stillness of the hot night, mechanically waving a palm-leaf fan over the pale, drawn face of the patient. I can still remember dozing off, those moments of drifting into unconsciousness when the fan would just stop in my hand, and I would wake up with a jolt, feeling awful. During all that dreary time, I started watching for the dawn long before it arrived. When the first faint gray light peeked through the window blinds, I felt like a shipwrecked person seeing the dim outline of the hoped-for ship against the sky. I was healthy and strong, but I was a man, struggling with a man’s weakness—lack of endurance.”

He always dealt with himself in this unsparing way; but those who were about him then have left a different story.

He always treated himself this way without holding back; but the people around him at that time have shared a different story.

It was all without avail. Mr. Langdon rallied, and early in July there was hope for his recovery. He failed again, and on the afternoon of the 6th of August he died. To Mrs. Clemens, delicate and greatly worn with the anxiety and strain of watching, the blow was a crushing one. It was the beginning of a series of disasters which would mark the entire remaining period of their Buffalo residence.

It was all for nothing. Mr. Langdon improved, and early in July there was hope for his recovery. He declined again, and on the afternoon of August 6th, he passed away. For Mrs. Clemens, fragile and deeply exhausted from the stress of watching over him, the loss was devastating. This marked the start of a series of misfortunes that would overshadow their entire remaining time in Buffalo.

There had been a partial plan for spending the summer in England, and a more definite one for joining the Twichells in the Adirondacks. Both of these projects were now abandoned. Mrs. Clemens concluded that she would be better at home than anywhere else, and invited an old school friend, a Miss Emma Nye, to visit her.

There was a vague idea of spending the summer in England and a firmer plan to join the Twichells in the Adirondacks. Both of these plans were now scrapped. Mrs. Clemens decided she would be better off home than anywhere else and invited an old school friend, Miss Emma Nye, to come stay with her.

But the shadow of death had not been lifted from the Clemens household. Miss Nye presently fell ill with typhoid fever. There followed another long period of anxiety and nursing, ending with the death of the visitor in the new home, September 29th. The young wife was now in very delicate health; genuinely ill, in fact. The happy home had become a place of sorrow-of troubled nights and days. Another friend came to cheer them, and on this friend's departure Mrs. Clemens drove to the railway station. It was a hurried trip over rough streets to catch the train. She was prostrated on her return, and a little later, November 7, 1870, her first child, Langdon, was prematurely born. A dangerous illness followed, and complete recovery was long delayed. But on the 12th the crisis seemed passed, and the new father wrote a playful letter to the Twichells, as coming from the late arrival:

But the shadow of death still hung over the Clemens household. Miss Nye soon fell ill with typhoid fever. This led to another extended period of worry and care, culminating in the visitor's death in their new home on September 29th. The young wife was now in very fragile health; she was genuinely sick, in fact. What had once been a happy home turned into a place of sorrow—filled with troubled nights and days. Another friend came to bring them some cheer, and after this friend left, Mrs. Clemens rushed to the train station. It was a hurried trip over bumpy streets to catch the train. She was exhausted when she got back, and a little later, on November 7, 1870, her first child, Langdon, was born prematurely. A serious illness followed, and full recovery took a long time. But on the 12th, the worst seemed to be over, and the new father wrote a playful letter to the Twichells, as if it were coming from the new arrival:

    DEAR UNCLE AND AUNT,—I came into the world on the 7th inst., and
    consequently am about five days old now. I have had wretched health
    ever since I made my appearance... I am not corpulent, nor am
    I robust in any way. At birth I only weighed four and one-half
    pounds with my clothes on—and the clothes were the chief feature of
    the weight, too, I am obliged to confess, but I am doing finely, all
    things considered.... My little mother is very bright and
    cheery, and I guess she is pretty happy, but I don't know what
    about. She laughs a great deal, notwithstanding she is sick abed.

    P. S.—Father says I had better write because you will be more
    interested in me, just now, than in the rest of the family.
    DEAR UNCLE AND AUNT,—I was born on the 7th, so I’m about five days old now. I’ve been feeling pretty crummy since I arrived... I’m not chubby or strong at all. I only weighed four and a half pounds at birth, and honestly, most of that was my clothes. But I’m doing pretty well, all things considered.... My little mom is really cheerful, and I think she’s quite happy, though I’m not sure why. She laughs a lot even though she’s stuck in bed.

    P. S.—Dad says I should write because you’ll probably be more interested in me right now than in the rest of the family.

A week later Clemens, as himself, wrote:

A week later, Clemens, as himself, wrote:

    Livy is up and the prince keeps her busy and anxious these latter
    days and nights, but I am a bachelor up-stairs and don't have to
    jump up and get the soothing sirup, though I would as soon do it as
    not, I assure you. (Livy will be certain to read this letter.)

    Tell Harmony that I do hold the baby, and do it pretty handily too,
    though with occasional apprehensions that his loose head will fall
    off. I don't have to quiet him; he hardly ever utters a cry. He is
    always thinking about something. He is a patient, good little baby.
    Livy is awake, and the prince has been keeping her busy and on edge these days and nights. Meanwhile, I’m just a bachelor upstairs and don't have to rush down to get the soothing syrup, although I wouldn’t mind doing it. (Livy will definitely read this letter.)

    Tell Harmony that I do hold the baby, and I’m pretty good at it too, even though I sometimes worry that his loose head might fall off. I don’t need to calm him down; he hardly ever cries. He’s always deep in thought. He’s a patient, good little baby.

Further along he refers to one of his reforms:

Further along, he talks about one of his reforms:

    Smoke? I always smoke from three till five on Sunday afternoons,
    and in New York, the other day, I smoked a week, day and night. But
    when Livy is well I smoke only those two hours on Sunday. I'm boss
    of the habit now, and shall never let it boss me any more.
    Originally I quit solely on Livy's account (not that I believed
    there was the faintest reason in the matter, but just as I would
    deprive myself of sugar in my coffee if she wished it, or quit
    wearing socks if she thought them immoral), and I stick to it yet on
    Livy's account, and shall always continue to do so without a pang.
    But somehow it seems a pity that you quit, for Mrs. T. didn't mind
    it, if I remember rightly. Ah, it is turning one's back upon a
    kindly Providence to spurn away from us the good creature he sent to
    make the breath of life a luxury as well as a necessity, enjoyable
    as well as useful. To go quit smoking, when there ain't any
    sufficient excuse for it!—why, my old boy, when they used to tell
    me I would shorten my life ten years by smoking, they little knew
    the devotee they were wasting their puerile words upon; they little
    knew how trivial and valueless I would regard a decade that had no
    smoking in it! But I won't persuade you, Twichell—I won't until I
    see you again—but then we'll smoke for a week together, and then
    shut off again.
    Smoke? I always smoke from three to five on Sunday afternoons, and the other day in New York, I smoked all week, day and night. But when Livy is feeling good, I only smoke those two hours on Sunday. I'm in control of the habit now, and I'm never going to let it control me again. I originally quit just for Livy's sake (not that I thought there was any real reason behind it, but just like I would skip sugar in my coffee if she wanted me to, or stop wearing socks if she found them immoral), and I still stick to it for her, and I will always do so without any regrets. But it seems a shame that you quit, because Mrs. T. didn't mind it, if I remember correctly. Ah, it feels like turning your back on a kind Providence to push away the good thing He sent to make life both a luxury and a necessity, enjoyable as well as useful. Quitting smoking when there's no good reason for it! — why, my friend, when they told me I would shorten my life by ten years because of smoking, they had no idea who they were speaking to; they had no idea how trivial and worthless I would find a decade without smoking! But I won't try to persuade you, Twichell — not until I see you again — but when we do meet, we'll smoke together for a week, and then go without again.




LXXX. LITERARY PROJECTS

The success of the Innocents naturally made a thrifty publisher like Bliss anxious for a second experiment. He had begun early in the year to talk about another book, but nothing had come of it beyond a project or two, more or less hazy and unpursued. Clemens at one time developed a plan for a Noah's Ark book, which was to detail the cruise of the Ark in diaries kept by various members of it-Shem, Ham, and the others. He really wrote some of it at the time, and it was an idea he never entirely lost track of. All along among his manuscripts appear fragments from those ancient voyagers. One of the earlier entries will show the style and purpose of the undertaking. It is from Shem's record:

The success of the Innocents naturally made a budget-conscious publisher like Bliss eager for a second project. He had started discussing another book early in the year, but nothing materialized beyond a couple of vague and unpursued ideas. At one point, Clemens developed a concept for a Noah's Ark book, which was supposed to cover the journey of the Ark through diaries kept by different members—Shem, Ham, and the others. He actually wrote some of it at the time, and it was an idea he never completely let go of. Throughout his manuscripts, you can find fragments from those ancient travelers. One of the earlier entries showcases the style and intention of the project. It's from Shem's record:

    Friday: Papa's birthday. He is 600 years old. We celebrated it in
    a big, black tent. Principal men of the tribe present. Afterward
    they were shown over the ark, which was looking desolate and empty
    and dreary on account of a misunderstanding with the workmen about
    wages. Methuselah was as free with his criticisms as usual, and as
    voluble and familiar, which I and my brothers do not like; for we
    are past our one hundredth year and married. He still calls me
    Shemmy, just as he did when I was a child of sixty. I am still but
    a youth, it is true, but youth has its feelings, and I do not like
    this....

    Saturday: Keeping the Sabbath.

    Sunday: Papa has yielded the advance and everybody is hard at work.
    The shipyard is so crowded that the men hinder each other; everybody
    hurrying or being hurried; the rush and confusion and shouting and
    wrangling are astonishing to our family, who have always been used
    to a quiet, country life.
    Friday: Dad's birthday. He’s 600 years old. We celebrated it in a big, black tent with the important men of the tribe present. Afterwards, they were shown the ark, which looked desolate, empty, and dreary due to a misunderstanding with the workers about wages. Methuselah was as critical as ever, speaking freely and with great familiarity, which I and my brothers don’t appreciate since we are past our one-hundredth year and are married. He still calls me Shemmy, just like when I was a child of sixty. It’s true that I’m still young, but youth has its feelings, and I don’t like this...

    Saturday: Observing the Sabbath.

    Sunday: Dad has given the go-ahead, and everyone is busy. The shipyard is so crowded that the workers are getting in each other’s way; everyone is rushing or being rushed; the noise, chaos, shouting, and arguments are overwhelming to our family, who have always been used to a quiet, rural life.

It was from this germ that in a later day grew the diaries of Adam and Eve, though nothing very satisfactory ever came of this preliminary attempt. The author had faith in it, however. To Bliss he wrote:

It was from this seed that later on the diaries of Adam and Eve emerged, although nothing particularly satisfying ever resulted from this initial effort. The author believed in it, though. To Bliss he wrote:

    I mean to take plenty of time and pains with the Noah's Ark book;
    maybe it will be several years before it is all written, but it will
    be a perfect lightning striker when it is done.

    You can have the first say (that is plain enough) on that or any
    other book I may prepare for the press, as long as you deal in a
    fair, open, and honorable way with me. I do not think you will ever
    find me doing otherwise with you. I can get a book ready for you
    any time you want it; but you can't want one before this time next
    year, so I have plenty of time.
    I plan to spend a lot of time and effort on the Noah's Ark book; it might take several years to finish, but it will be a perfect hit when it's done.

    You can have the first opportunity to review it (that's clear) or any other book I might prepare for publication, as long as you treat me fairly and honestly. I don't think you'll ever find me doing anything less with you. I can have a book ready for you whenever you need it; but you won't want one until this time next year, so I've got plenty of time.

Bliss was only temporarily appeased. He realized that to get a book ready by the time he wanted it-a book of sufficient size and importance to maintain the pace set by the Innocents meant rather more immediate action than his author seemed to contemplate. Futhermore, he knew that other publishers were besieging the author of the Innocents; a disquieting thought. In early July, when Mr. Langdon's condition had temporarily improved, Bliss had come to Elmira and proposed a book which should relate the author's travels and experiences in the Far West. It was an inviting subject, and Clemens, by this time more attracted by the idea of authorship and its rewards, readily enough agreed to undertake the volume. He had been offered half profits, and suggested that the new contract be arranged upon these terms. Bliss, figuring on a sale of 100,000 copies, proposed seven and one-half per cent. royalty as an equivalent, and the contract was so arranged. In after-years, when the cost of manufacture and paper had become greatly reduced, Clemens, with but a confused notion of business details, believed he had been misled by Bliss in this contract, and was bitter and resentful accordingly. The figures remain, however, to show that Bliss dealt fairly. Seven and one-half per cent. of a subscription book did represent half profits up to 100,000 copies when the contract was drawn; but it required ten years to sell that quantity, and in that time conditions had changed. Bliss could hardly foresee that these things would be so, and as he was dead when the book touched the 100,000 mark he could not explain or readjust matters, whatever might have been his inclination.

Bliss was only temporarily satisfied. He understood that to prepare a book by his deadline—a book big enough and significant enough to keep up with the pace set by the Innocents—required more immediate action than his author seemed to expect. Additionally, he knew that other publishers were vying for the author of the Innocents, which was a concerning thought. In early July, when Mr. Langdon's condition had slightly improved, Bliss visited Elmira and proposed a book about the author's travels and experiences in the Far West. It was an appealing topic, and by this time, Clemens was more interested in the idea of authorship and its rewards, so he agreed to take on the project. He was offered half of the profits and suggested that the new contract be set up on those terms. Bliss, expecting to sell 100,000 copies, proposed a seven-and-a-half percent royalty as a fair equivalent, and the contract was established accordingly. In later years, when the cost of production and paper had dropped significantly, Clemens, with a somewhat unclear understanding of business details, believed he had been misled by Bliss regarding this contract, leading to feelings of bitterness and resentment. However, the numbers show that Bliss had acted fairly. Seven and a half percent of a subscription book did reflect half of the profits up to 100,000 copies at the time the contract was made; but it took ten years to sell that many, and during that time, circumstances changed. Bliss could hardly have predicted this outcome, and since he had passed away by the time the book hit the 100,000 mark, he couldn't explain or adjust things, regardless of his intentions.

Clemens was pleased enough with the contract when it was made. To Orion he wrote July 15 (1870):

Clemens was satisfied with the contract when it was signed. He wrote to Orion on July 15 (1870):

    Per contract I must have another six-hundred-page book ready for my
    publisher January 1st, and I only began it to-day. The subject of
    it is a secret, because I may possibly change it. But as it stands
    I propose to do up Nevada and California, beginning with the trip
    across the country in the stage. Have you a memorandum of the route
    we took, or the names of any of the stations we stopped at? Do you
    remember any of the scenes, names, incidents, or adventures of the
    coach trip?—for I remember next to nothing about the matter. Jot
    down a foolscap page of items for me. I wish I could have two days'
    talk with you.

    I suppose I am to get the biggest copyright this time ever paid on a
    subscription book in this country.
    According to my contract, I need to have another six-hundred-page book ready for my publisher by January 1st, and I just started it today. The topic is still a secret because I might change it. As it stands, I plan to cover Nevada and California, starting with the journey across the country by stagecoach. Do you have a record of the route we took, or the names of any stations where we stopped? Do you remember any scenes, names, incidents, or adventures from the coach trip? Because I can hardly recall anything about it. Please jot down a page of notes for me. I wish I could have two days to chat with you.

    I guess I'm going to receive the largest copyright payment ever made for a subscription book in this country.

The work so promptly begun made little progress. Hard days of illness and sorrow followed, and it was not until September that it was really under way. His natural enthusiasm over any new undertaking possessed him. On the 4th he wrote Bliss:

The work that started so quickly didn’t make much progress. Tough days filled with illness and sadness came next, and it wasn’t until September that it actually got going. He was filled with enthusiasm for any new project he took on. On the 4th, he wrote to Bliss:

During the past week I have written the first four chapters of the book, and I tell you 'The Innocents Abroad' will have to get up early to beat it. It will be a book that will jump straight into continental celebrity the first month it is issued.

During the past week, I've written the first four chapters of the book, and I can tell you that 'The Innocents Abroad' will really have to work hard to top it. This book is going to become a continental sensation within the first month of its release.

He prophesied a sale of 90,000 copies during the first twelve months and declared, “I see the capabilities of the subject.”

He predicted selling 90,000 copies in the first year and said, “I can see the potential of the topic.”

But further disasters, even then impending, made continued effort impossible; the prospect of the new book for a time became gloomy, the idea of it less inspiring. Other plans presented themselves, and at one time he thought of letting the Galaxy publishers get out a volume of his sketches. In October he wrote Bliss that he was “driveling along tolerably fair on the book, getting off from twelve to twenty pages of manuscript a day.” Bliss naturally discouraged the Galaxy idea, and realizing that the new book might be long delayed, agreed to get out a volume of miscellany sufficiently large and important for subscription sales. He was doubtful of the wisdom of this plan, and when Clemens suddenly proposed a brand-new scheme his publisher very readily agreed to hold back the publication of Sketches indefinitely.

But more disasters, even then on the horizon, made it impossible to keep pushing forward; the outlook for the new book got bleak for a while, and the idea of it became less exciting. Other plans came up, and at one point he considered having the Galaxy publishers release a collection of his sketches. In October, he told Bliss that he was “doing pretty well on the book, cranking out about twelve to twenty pages of manuscript a day.” Bliss understandably discouraged the Galaxy idea and, realizing that the new book might take a while to finish, agreed to publish a sizable and significant collection of miscellaneous works for subscription sales. He was unsure about the wisdom of this plan, and when Clemens suddenly suggested a completely new idea, his publisher quickly agreed to postpone the publication of Sketches indefinitely.

The new book was to be adventures in the diamond mines of South Africa, then newly opened and of wide public interest. Clemens did not propose to visit the mines himself, but to let another man do the traveling, make the notes, and write or tell him the story, after which Clemens would enlarge and elaborate it in his own fashion. His adaptation of the letters of Professor Ford, a year earlier, had convinced him that his plan would work out successfully on a larger scale; he fixed upon his old friend, J. H. Riley, of Washington—[“Riley-Newspaper Correspondent.” See Sketches.]—(earlier of San Francisco), as the proper person to do the traveling. At the end of November he wrote Bliss:

The new book was going to explore the diamond mines of South Africa, which had just opened up and were of great public interest. Clemens didn’t plan to visit the mines himself; instead, he would send someone else to travel there, take notes, and share the story, which Clemens would then expand and refine in his own style. His earlier adaptation of Professor Ford’s letters had shown him that this approach could work well on a bigger scale, so he decided to ask his old friend, J. H. Riley from Washington—[“Riley-Newspaper Correspondent.” See Sketches.]—(who had previously been from San Francisco), to do the traveling. At the end of November, he wrote to Bliss:

    I have put my greedy hands upon the best man in America for my
    purpose, and shall start him to the diamond field in South Africa
    within a fortnight at my expense... that the book will have a
    perfectly beautiful sale.
    I've grabbed the best guy in America for my own gain, and I'll be sending him to the diamond fields in South Africa within two weeks at my cost... so that the book will sell like crazy.

He suggested that Bliss advance Riley's expense money, the amount to be deducted from the first royalty returns; also he proposed an increased royalty, probably in view of the startling splendor of the new idea. Bliss was duly impressed, and the agreement was finally made on a basis of eight and one-half per cent., with an advance of royalty sufficient to see Riley to South Africa and return.

He suggested that Bliss give Riley an advance on his expense money, which would be deducted from the first royalty payments. He also recommended a higher royalty rate, likely because of the impressive brilliance of the new idea. Bliss was definitely impressed, and they eventually agreed on a rate of eight and a half percent, along with an advance that was enough to cover Riley's trip to South Africa and back.

Clemens had not yet heard from Riley definitely when he wrote his glowing letter to Bliss. He took it for granted that Riley, always an adventurous sort, would go. When Riley wrote him that he felt morally bound to the Alta, of which he was then Washington correspondent, also in certain other directions till the end of the session, Clemens wrote him at great length, detailing his scheme in full and urging him to write instantly to the Alta and others, asking a release on the ground of being offered a rare opportunity to improve his fortunes.

Clemens hadn’t heard for sure from Riley when he wrote his enthusiastic letter to Bliss. He assumed that Riley, who was always up for an adventure, would go for it. When Riley informed him that he felt morally obligated to the Alta, where he was the Washington correspondent, as well as to some other commitments until the session ended, Clemens wrote him a lengthy response, outlining his plan in detail and encouraging him to immediately contact the Alta and others, requesting a release based on the chance to improve his situation.

You know right well that I would not have you depart a hair from any obligation for any money. The boundless confidence that I have in you is born of a conviction of your integrity in small as well as in great things. I know plenty of men whose integrity I would trust to here, but not off yonder in Africa.

You know very well that I wouldn’t want you to stray from any commitment for any amount of money. The deep trust I have in you comes from my belief in your honesty in both small and big matters. I know many men whose integrity I would trust here, but not over there in Africa.

His proposal, in brief, to Riley was that the latter should make the trip to Africa without expense to himself, collect memoranda, and such diamond mines as might be found lying about handy. Upon his return he was to take up temporary residence in the Clemens household until the book was finished, after which large benefits were to accrue to everybody concerned. In the end Riley obtained a release from his obligations and was off for the diamond mines and fortune.

His proposal, briefly put, to Riley was that he should travel to Africa at no cost to himself, gather notes, and collect any diamond mines that might be easily accessible. Upon his return, he would stay temporarily with the Clemens family until the book was completed, after which everyone involved would benefit greatly. In the end, Riley got out of his obligations and set off for the diamond mines and his fortune.

Poor fellow! He was faithful in his mission, and it is said that he really located a mining claim that would have made him and his independent for all time to come; but returning home with his precious memoranda and the news of good fortune, he accidentally wounded himself with a fork while eating; blood-poisoning set in (they called it cancer then), and he was only able to get home to die. His memoranda were never used, his mining claim was never identified. Certainly, death was closely associated with Mark Twain's fortunes during those earlier days of his married life.

Poor guy! He was dedicated to his mission, and it's said that he actually found a mining claim that could have made him financially secure forever; but while coming home with his valuable notes and news of his good luck, he accidentally hurt himself with a fork while eating. Blood poisoning set in (they called it cancer back then), and he could only make it home to die. His notes were never used, and his mining claim was never claimed. For sure, death was closely linked to Mark Twain's fortunes during those early days of his married life.

On the whole the Buffalo residence was mainly a gloomy one; its ventures were attended by ill-fortune. For some reason Mark Twain's connection with the Express, while it had given the paper a wide reputation, had not largely increased its subscription. Perhaps his work on it was too varied and erratic. Nasby, who had popularized the Toledo Blade, kept steadily to one line. His farmer public knew always just what to expect when their weekly edition arrived.

Overall, the Buffalo residence was pretty gloomy; its efforts were often met with bad luck. For some reason, Mark Twain's association with the Express, even though it had made the paper well-known, didn’t significantly boost its subscriptions. Maybe his work was too diverse and inconsistent. Nasby, who had made the Toledo Blade popular, consistently focused on one theme. His farming audience always knew what to expect when their weekly edition showed up.

Clemens and his wife dreamed of a new habitation, and new faces and surroundings. They agreed to offer their home and his interests in the Express for sale. They began to talk of Hartford, where Twichell lived, and where Orion Clemens and his wife had recently located.

Clemens and his wife envisioned a new place to live, along with fresh faces and a different environment. They decided to put their home and his shares in the Express up for sale. They started discussing Hartford, where Twichell lived, and where Orion Clemens and his wife had recently settled.

Mark Twain's new fortunes had wrought changes in the affairs of his relatives. Already, before his marriage, he had prospected towns here and there with a view to finding an Eastern residence for his mother and sister, and he had kept Orion's welfare always in mind. When Pamela and her daughter came to his wedding he told them of a little city by the name of Fredonia (New York), not far from Buffalo, where he thought they might find a pleasant home.

Mark Twain's newfound wealth had changed things for his relatives. Even before he got married, he had checked out various towns to find an Eastern home for his mother and sister, always keeping Orion's well-being in mind. When Pamela and her daughter came to his wedding, he mentioned a small city called Fredonia, New York, not far from Buffalo, where he thought they might be able to find a nice place to live.

“I went in there by night and out by night,” he said, “so I saw none of it, but I had an intelligent, attractive audience. Prospect Fredonia and let me know what it is like. Try to select a place where a good many funerals pass. Ma likes funerals. If you can pick a good funeral corner she will be happy.”

“I went in there at night and came out at night,” he said, “so I didn’t see any of it, but I had a smart, interesting audience. Check out Fredonia and tell me what it’s like. Try to find a spot where a lot of funerals go by. Mom likes funerals. If you can find a good funeral spot, she’ll be happy.”

It was in her later life that Jane Clemens had developed this particular passion. She would consult the morning paper for any notice of obsequies and attend those that were easy of access. Watching the processions go by gave her a peculiar joy. Mrs. Moffett and her daughter did go to Fredonia immediately following the wedding. They found it residentially attractive, and rented a house before returning to St. Louis, a promptness that somewhat alarmed the old lady, who did not altogether fancy the idea of being suddenly set down in a strange house, in a strange land, even though it would be within hailing distance of Sam and his new wife. Perhaps the Fredonia funerals were sufficiently numerous and attractive, for she soon became attached to the place, and entered into the spirit of the life there, joining its temperance crusades, and the like, with zest and enjoyment.

It was later in her life that Jane Clemens developed this particular passion. She would check the morning paper for any funeral notices and attend those that were easy to get to. Watching the processions go by gave her a unique joy. Mrs. Moffett and her daughter went to Fredonia right after the wedding. They found it an appealing place to live and rented a house before going back to St. Louis. This quick decision somewhat worried the old lady, who wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of being suddenly placed in a strange house in an unfamiliar area, even if it was close to Sam and his new wife. Perhaps the funerals in Fredonia were frequent and interesting enough, as she quickly became fond of the place and engaged in the local life, participating in temperance campaigns and similar activities with enthusiasm and enjoyment.

Onion remained in St. Louis, but when Bliss established a paper called The Publisher, and wanted an editor, he was chosen for the place, originally offered to his brother; the latter, writing to Onion, said:

Onion stayed in St. Louis, but when Bliss started a paper called The Publisher and needed an editor, he was picked for the job, which had been first offered to his brother. The brother, writing to Onion, said:

If you take the place with an air of perfect confidence in yourself, never once letting anything show in your bearing but a quiet, modest, entire, and perfect confidence in your ability to do pretty much anything in the world, Bliss will think you are the very man he needs; but don't show any shadow of timidity or unsoldierly diffidence, for that sort of thing is fatal to advancement.

If you carry yourself with total confidence, making sure to present a calm, humble, and complete belief in your ability to handle just about anything, Bliss will see you as the ideal person he needs. However, don't let any hint of shyness or lack of confidence show because that kind of attitude can seriously hold you back.

I warn you thus because you are naturally given to knocking your pot over in this way, when a little judicious conduct would make it boil.

I’m warning you because you tend to knock your pot over like this, when a bit of careful behavior could make it boil.





LXXXI. SOME FURTHER LITERARY MATTERS

Meantime The Innocents Abroad had continued to prosper. Its author ranked mainly as a humorist, but of such colossal proportions that his contemporaries had seemed to dwindle; the mighty note of the “Frog of Calaveras” had dwarfed a score of smaller peepers. At the end of a year from its date of publication the book had sold up to 67,000 and was continuing at the rate of several thousand monthly.

Meanwhile, The Innocents Abroad continued to thrive. Its author was primarily seen as a humorist, but his talent was so vast that those around him seemed to fade into the background; the powerful impact of the “Frog of Calaveras” overshadowed many smaller voices. A year after its release, the book had sold around 67,000 copies and was still selling several thousand each month.

“You are running it in staving, tiptop, first-class style,” Clemens wrote to Bliss. “On the average ten people a day come and hunt me up to tell me I am a benefactor! I guess that is a part of the program we didn't expect, in the first place.”

“You're managing it in fantastic, top-notch style,” Clemens wrote to Bliss. “On average, ten people a day come to find me and tell me I’m a benefactor! I guess that’s an aspect of the plan we didn’t anticipate, to begin with.”

Apparently the book appealed to readers of every grade. One hundred and fifteen copies were in constant circulation at the Mercantile Library, in New York, while in the most remote cabins of America it was read and quoted. Jack Van Nostrand, making a long horseback tour of Colorado, wrote:

Apparently, the book attracted readers of all ages. One hundred and fifteen copies were always being checked out at the Mercantile Library in New York, and it was read and quoted even in the most isolated cabins across America. Jack Van Nostrand, during a lengthy horseback trip through Colorado, wrote:

I stopped a week ago in a ranch but a hundred miles from nowhere. The occupant had just two books: the Bible and The Innocents Abroad—the former in good repair.

I stopped a week ago at a ranch a hundred miles from nowhere. The occupant had only two books: the Bible and The Innocents Abroad—the former in good condition.

Across the ocean the book had found no less favor, and was being translated into many and strange tongues. By what seems now some veritable magic its author's fame had become literally universal. The consul at Hongkong, discussing English literature with a Chinese acquaintance, a mandarin, mentioned The Pilgrim's Progress.

Across the ocean, the book had gained just as much popularity and was being translated into many different languages. What now feels like real magic is that the author's fame had become truly worldwide. The consul in Hong Kong, while talking about English literature with a Chinese acquaintance, a mandarin, brought up The Pilgrim's Progress.

“Yes, indeed, I have read it!” the mandarin said, eagerly. “We are enjoying it in China, and shall have it soon in our own language. It is by Mark Twain.”

“Yeah, I’ve read it!” the mandarin replied eagerly. “We’re enjoying it in China and will have it translated into our language soon. It’s by Mark Twain.”

In England the book had an amazing vogue from the beginning, and English readers were endeavoring to outdo the Americans in appreciation. Indeed, as a rule, English readers of culture, critical readers, rose to an understanding of Mark Twain's literary value with greater promptness than did the same class of readers at home. There were exceptions, of course. There were English critics who did not take Mark Twain seriously, there were American critics who did. Among the latter was a certain William Ward, an editor of a paper down in Macon, Georgia—The Beacon. Ward did not hold a place with the great magazine arbiters of literary rank. He was only an obscure country editor, but he wrote like a prophet. His article—too long to quote in full—concerned American humorists in general, from Washington Irving, through John Phoenix, Philander Doesticks, Sut Lovingwood, Artemus Ward, Josh Billings and Petroleum V. Nasby, down to Mark Twain. With the exception of the first and last named he says of them:

In England, the book became extremely popular right from the start, and English readers were trying to outdo Americans in their appreciation of it. Generally, cultured English readers—especially critical ones—grasped Mark Twain's literary significance more quickly than their American counterparts. Of course, there were exceptions. Some English critics did not take Mark Twain seriously, while some American critics did. One such American critic was William Ward, an editor of a paper in Macon, Georgia—The Beacon. Ward wasn’t part of the major literary magazines; he was just a little-known country editor, but he wrote with the voice of a prophet. His article—too lengthy to quote in full—discussed American humorists in general, ranging from Washington Irving to John Phoenix, Philander Doesticks, Sut Lovingwood, Artemus Ward, Josh Billings, and Petroleum V. Nasby, right down to Mark Twain. He commented on all of them, except for the first and last:

    They have all had, or will have, their day. Some of them are
    resting beneath the sod, and others still live whose work will
    scarcely survive them. Since Irving no humorist in prose has held
    the foundation of a permanent fame except it be Mark Twain, and
    this, as in the case of Irving, is because he is a pure writer.
    Aside from any subtle mirth that lurks through his composition, the
    grace and finish of his more didactic and descriptive sentences
    indicate more than mediocrity.
They have all had, or will have, their moment in the spotlight. Some are resting beneath the ground, while others live on whose work will hardly last after they're gone. Since Irving, no humorist in prose has laid the groundwork for lasting fame, except for Mark Twain, and this, like Irving, is because he is a true writer. Beyond any subtle humor that hints through his writing, the elegance and polish of his more instructional and descriptive sentences demonstrate that he is more than mediocre.

The writer then refers to Mark Twain's description of the Sphinx, comparing it with Bulwer's, which he thinks may have influenced it. He was mistaken in this, for Clemens had not read Bulwer—never could read him at any length.

The writer then mentions Mark Twain's description of the Sphinx, comparing it to Bulwer's, which he believes may have influenced it. He was wrong about this, as Clemens had never read Bulwer—he could never get through him for long.

Of the English opinions, that of The Saturday Review was perhaps most doubtful. It came along late in 1870, and would hardly be worth recalling if it were not for a resulting, or collateral, interest. Clemens saw notice of this review before he saw the review itself. A paragraph in the Boston Advertiser spoke of The Saturday Review as treating the absurdities of the Innocents from a serious standpoint. The paragraph closed:

Of the English opinions, The Saturday Review's stance was probably the most uncertain. It arrived late in 1870 and wouldn't be worth mentioning if it weren't for an interesting side note. Clemens heard about this review before he actually read it. A paragraph in the Boston Advertiser mentioned that The Saturday Review looked at the absurdities of the Innocents from a serious perspective. The paragraph concluded:

    We can imagine the delight of the humorist in reading this tribute
    to his power; and indeed it is so amusing in itself that he can
    hardly do better than reproduce the article in full in his next
    monthly “Memoranda.”
 
    We can picture the joy of the comedian in reading this praise of his talent; and honestly, it's so entertaining on its own that he might as well just include the whole article in his next monthly “Notes.”

The old temptation to hoax his readers prompted Mark Twain to “reproduce” in the Galaxy, not the Review article, which he had not yet seen, but an imaginary Review article, an article in which the imaginary reviewer would be utterly devoid of any sense of humor and treat the most absurd incidents of The New Pilgrim's Progress as if set down by the author in solemn and serious earnest. The pretended review began:

The old urge to trick his readers led Mark Twain to “reproduce” in the Galaxy, not the Review article, which he hadn’t seen yet, but a made-up Review article, where the fictional reviewer would be completely lacking any sense of humor and would discuss the most ridiculous events of The New Pilgrim's Progress as if they were written by the author with all seriousness. The fake review started:

    Lord Macaulay died too soon. We never felt this so deeply as when
    we finished the last chapter of the above-named extravagant work.
    Macaulay died too soon; for none but he could mete out complete and
    comprehensive justice to the insolence, the impudence, the
    presumption, the mendacity, and, above all, the majestic ignorance
    of this author.
    Lord Macaulay died too soon. We never felt this more intensely than when we finished the last chapter of the extravagant work mentioned above. Macaulay died too soon; for no one but he could deliver complete and thorough justice to the arrogance, the audacity, the self-importance, the dishonesty, and, most importantly, the grand ignorance of this author.

The review goes on to cite cases of the author's gross deception. It says:

The review continues by pointing out instances of the author's blatant deceit. It states:

    Let the cultivated English student of human nature picture to
    himself this Mark Twain as a person capable of doing the following
    described things; and not only doing them, but, with incredible
    innocence, printing them tranquilly and calmly in a book. For
    instance:

    He states that he entered a hair-dresser's in Paris to get a shave,
    and the first “rake” the barber gave him with his razor it loosened
    his “hide,” and lifted him out of the chair.

    This is unquestionably extravagant. In Florence he was so annoyed
    by beggars that he pretends to have seized and eaten one in a
    frantic spirit of revenge. There is, of course, no truth in this.
    He gives at full length the theatrical program, seventeen or
    eighteen hundred years old, which he professes to have found in the
    ruins of the Colosseum, among the dirt-and mold and rubbish. It is
    a sufficient comment upon this subject to remark that even a cast-
    iron program would not have lasted so long under the circumstances.
Let the educated English student of human nature imagine Mark Twain as someone who could do the things described here—and not only do them but also, with remarkable innocence, calmly publish them in a book. For example: 

He says he went into a barber shop in Paris to get a shave, and the first “swipe” the barber took with his razor actually loosened his “skin” and lifted him right out of the chair.

This is undeniably exaggerated. In Florence, he was so frustrated by beggars that he jokingly claims to have grabbed and eaten one out of a mad desire for revenge. Of course, there’s no truth to this. He even provides the complete theatrical program, which is seventeen or eighteen hundred years old, that he claims to have found in the ruins of the Colosseum, buried under dirt, mold, and debris. It’s worth noting that even a cast-iron program wouldn’t have survived that long under those conditions.

There were two and one-half pages of this really delightful burlesque which the author had written with huge-enjoyment, partly as a joke on the Review, partly to trick American editors, who he believed would accept it as a fresh and startling proof of the traditional English lack of humor.

There were two and a half pages of this really entertaining burlesque that the author wrote with great enjoyment, partly as a joke on the Review, partly to fool American editors, who he thought would take it as a fresh and shocking example of the typical English lack of humor.

But, as in the early sage-brush hoaxes, he rather overdid the thing. Readers and editors readily enough accepted it as genuine, so far as having come from The Saturday Review; but most of them, regarded it as a delicious bit of humor which Mark Twain himself had taken seriously, and was therefore the one sold. This was certainly startling, and by no means gratifying. In the next issue he undertook that saddest of all performances with tongue or pen: he explained his joke, and insisted on the truth of the explanation. Then he said:

But, like the early sagebrush hoaxes, he kind of went overboard with it. Readers and editors easily accepted it as real, as far as it coming from The Saturday Review; but most of them saw it as a hilarious piece of humor that Mark Twain himself had taken seriously, and was therefore the one who got tricked. This was definitely surprising and not at all satisfying. In the next issue, he took on that saddest of all tasks with words: he explained his joke and insisted on the truth of that explanation. Then he said:

    If any man doubts my word now I will kill him. No, I will not kill
    him; I will win his money. I will bet him twenty to one, and let
    any New York publisher hold the stakes, that the statements I have
    above made as to the authorship of the article in question are
    entirely true.
    If anyone doubts what I'm saying now, I will make him pay. No, I won't actually hurt him; I'll take his money instead. I'll bet him twenty to one and let any New York publisher handle the stakes, that everything I've said about who wrote the article in question is completely true.

But the Cincinnati Enquirer persisted in continuing the joke—in “rubbing it in,” as we say now. The Enquirer declared that Mark Twain had been intensely mortified at having been so badly taken in; that his explanation in the Galaxy was “ingenious, but unfortunately not true.” The Enquirer maintained that The Saturday Review of October 8, 1870, did contain the article exactly as printed in the “Memoranda,” and advised Mark Twain to admit that he was sold, and say no more about it.

But the Cincinnati Enquirer kept the joke going—“rubbing it in,” as we say today. The Enquirer claimed that Mark Twain was really embarrassed about being so thoroughly fooled; that his explanation in the Galaxy was “clever, but unfortunately not accurate.” The Enquirer insisted that The Saturday Review from October 8, 1870, did include the article exactly as it was printed in the “Memoranda,” and urged Mark Twain to just admit he had been tricked and drop it.

This was enraging. Mark Twain had his own ideas as to how far a joke might be carried without violence, and this was a good way beyond the limits. He denounced the Enquirer's statement as a “pitiful, deliberate falsehood,” in his anger falling into the old-time phrasing of newspaper editorial abuse. He offered to bet them a thousand dollars in cash that they could not prove their assertions, and asked pointedly, in conclusion: “Will they swallow that falsehood ignominiously, or will they send an agent to the Galaxy office? I think the Cincinnati Enquirer must be edited by children.” He promised that if they did not accept his financial proposition he would expose them in the next issue.

This was infuriating. Mark Twain had his own views on how far a joke could go without crossing the line, and this was well past acceptable boundaries. He called out the Enquirer's claim as a “pitiful, deliberate falsehood,” and in his frustration, he fell back into old-fashioned newspaper rhetoric. He offered to bet them a thousand dollars in cash that they couldn’t back up their claims, and concluded pointedly: “Are they going to accept that falsehood shamefully, or will they send someone to the Galaxy office? I think the Cincinnati Enquirer must be run by kids.” He promised that if they didn't take him up on his financial offer, he'd call them out in the next issue.

The incident closed there. He was prevented, by illness in his household, from contributing to the next issue, and the second issue following was his final “Memoranda” installment. So the matter perished and was forgotten. It was his last editorial hoax. Perhaps he concluded that hoaxes in any form were dangerous playthings; they were too likely to go off at the wrong end.

The incident wrapped up there. He was unable to contribute to the next issue due to illness in his household, and the second issue after that was his final “Memoranda” installment. So the matter faded away and was forgotten. It was his last editorial prank. Maybe he decided that hoaxes of any kind were risky games; they were too likely to backfire.

It was with the April number (1871) that he concluded his relations with the Galaxy. In a brief valedictory he gave his reasons:

It was with the April issue (1871) that he ended his relationship with the Galaxy. In a short farewell message, he explained his reasons:

    I have now written for the Galaxy a year. For the last eight
    months, with hardly an interval, I have had for my fellows and
    comrades, night and day, doctors and watchers of the sick! During
    these eight months death has taken two members of my home circle and
    malignantly threatened two others. All this I have experienced, yet
    all the time have been under contract to furnish “humorous” matter,
    once a month, for this magazine. I am speaking the exact truth in
    the above details. Please to put yourself in my place and
    contemplate the grisly grotesqueness of the situation. I think that
    some of the “humor” I have written during this period could have
    been injected into a funeral sermon without disturbing the solemnity
    of the occasion.

    The “Memoranda” will cease permanently with this issue of the
    magazine. To be a pirate on a low salary, and with no share in the
    profits of the business, used to be my idea of an uncomfortable
    occupation, but I have other views now. To be a monthly humorist in
    a cheerless time is drearier.
    I have now written for the Galaxy for a year. For the past eight months, with hardly any break, I've been surrounded day and night by doctors and caretakers of the sick! During these eight months, death has claimed two people in my close circle and has ominously threatened two others. I've gone through all this, yet the whole time I've been contracted to provide “humorous” content once a month for this magazine. I'm being completely honest about all these details. Please put yourself in my shoes and consider the grim absurdity of my situation. I think some of the “humor” I've produced during this time could easily fit into a funeral sermon without disturbing the seriousness of the occasion.

    The “Memoranda” will come to an end with this issue of the magazine. Once, I thought being a low-paid pirate with no share in the profits was a pretty uncomfortable job, but I have different feelings now. Being a monthly humorist during such a bleak time is even more dismal.

Without doubt he felt a glad relief in being rid of this recurrent, imperative demand. He wrote to Orion that he had told the Galaxy people he would not write another article, long or short, for less than $500, and preferred not to do it at all.

Without a doubt, he felt a sense of relief in getting rid of this constant, pressing demand. He wrote to Orion that he had informed the Galaxy people that he wouldn’t write another article, whether long or short, for less than $500, and he would rather not do it at all.

The Galaxy department and the work on the Express were Mark Twain's farewell to journalism; for the “Memoranda” was essentially journalistic, almost as much so, and as liberally, as his old-time Enterprise position. Apparently he wrote with absolute freedom, unhampered by editorial policy or restriction. The result was not always pleasant, and it was not always refined. We may be certain that it was because of Mrs. Clemens's heavy burdens that year, and her consequent inability to exert a beneficent censorship, that more than one—more than a dozen—of the “Memoranda” contributions were permitted to see the light of print.

The Galaxy department and the work on the Express marked Mark Twain's goodbye to journalism; the “Memoranda” was pretty much journalistic, almost as much so, and as freely, as his old days at the Enterprise. It seems he wrote without restraint, free from any editorial rules or limits. The outcome wasn’t always pleasant and wasn’t always polished. We can be sure that it was due to Mrs. Clemens's heavy burdens that year, and her inability to provide helpful oversight, that more than a few—more than a dozen—of the “Memoranda” pieces were allowed to be published.

As a whole, the literary result of Mark Twain's Buffalo period does not reach the high standard of The Innocents Abroad. It was a retrogression—in some measure a return to his earlier form. It had been done under pressure, under heavy stress of mind, as he said. Also there was another reason; neither the subject treated nor the environment of labor had afforded that lofty inspiration which glorified every step of the Quaker City journey. Buffalo was a progressive city—a beautiful city, as American cities go—but it was hardly an inspiring city for literature, and a dull, dingy newspaper office was far, very far, from the pleasant decks of the Quaker City, the camp-fires of Syria, the blue sky and sea of the Mediterranean.

Overall, the literary output from Mark Twain's time in Buffalo doesn’t match the high standard of The Innocents Abroad. It was a step back—kind of a return to his earlier style. He said it was done under pressure and intense mental strain. There was also another reason; neither the topic nor the work environment provided the kind of uplifting inspiration that elevated every part of the Quaker City journey. Buffalo was a growing city—a nice city, by American standards—but it wasn’t exactly an inspiring place for literature, and a dull, grimy newspaper office was nowhere close to the pleasant decks of the Quaker City, the campfires of Syria, or the beautiful blue sky and sea of the Mediterranean.





LXXXII. THE WRITING OF “ROUGHING IT”

The third book published by Mark Twa in was not the Western book he was preparing for Bliss. It was a small volume, issued by Sheldon & Co., entitled Mark Twain's Autobiography (Burlesque) and First Romance. The Romance was the “Awful, Terrible Medieval Romance” which had appeared in the Express at the beginning of 1870. The burlesque autobiography had not previously appeared. The two made a thin little book, which, in addition to its literary features, had running through it a series of full-page, irrelevant pictures—-cartoons of the Erie Railroad Ring, presented as illustrations of a slightly modified version of “The House That Jack Built.” The “House” was the Erie headquarters, the purpose being to illustrate the swindling methods of the Ring. The faces of Jay Gould, James Fisk, Jr., John T. Hoffman, and others of the combination, are chiefly conspicuous. The publication was not important, from any standpoint. Literary burlesque is rarely important, and it was far from Mark Twain's best form of expression. A year or two later he realized the mistake of this book, bought in the plates and destroyed them.

The third book published by Mark Twain wasn't the Western novel he was working on for Bliss. It was a small volume released by Sheldon & Co., titled Mark Twain's Autobiography (Burlesque) and First Romance. The Romance was the “Awful, Terrible Medieval Romance,” which had been featured in the Express at the start of 1870. The burlesque autobiography had not been published before. Together, they made a thin little book that, in addition to its literary content, included a series of full-page, unrelated images—cartoons of the Erie Railroad Ring, shown as illustrations for a slightly altered version of “The House That Jack Built.” The “House” referred to the Erie headquarters, intended to showcase the corrupt tactics of the Ring. The faces of Jay Gould, James Fisk, Jr., John T. Hoffman, and other members of the group are mainly highlighted. The publication wasn't significant in any way. Literary burlesque rarely carries much weight, and it was far from Mark Twain's best way of expressing himself. A year or two later, he realized the error of this book, bought the plates, and destroyed them.

Meantime the new Western book was at a standstill. To Orion, in March, he wrote:

Meantime, the new Western book was stalled. In March, he wrote to Orion:

    I am still nursing Livy night and day. I am nearly worn out. We
    shall go to Elmira ten days hence (if Livy can travel on a mattress
    then), and stay there until I finish the California book, say three
    months. But I can't begin work right away when I get there; must
    have a week's rest, for I have been through thirty days' terrific
    siege.
    I am still taking care of Livy day and night. I'm almost exhausted. We’re planning to go to Elmira in ten days (if Livy can travel on a mattress then) and stay there until I finish the California book, which should take about three months. But I can't start working right away when we get there; I need a week to rest because I've been dealing with a tough month.

He promised to forward some of the manuscript soon.

He promised to send some of the manuscript soon.

    Hold on four or five days and I will see if I can get a few chapters
    fixed to send to Bliss....

    I have offered this house and the Express for sale, and when we go
    to Elmira we leave here for good. I shall not select a new home
    till the book is finished, but we have little doubt that Hartford
    will be the place.
    Hold on for four or five days, and I'll see if I can get a few chapters fixed up to send to Bliss....

    I've put this house and the Express up for sale, and when we head to Elmira, we’re leaving here for good. I won’t choose a new home until the book is finished, but we’re pretty sure that Hartford will be the spot.

He disposed of his interest in the Express in April, at a sacrifice of $10,000 on the purchase price. Mrs. Clemens and the baby were able to travel, and without further delay he took them to Elmira, to Quarry Farm.

He sold his stake in the Express in April for a loss of $10,000 from the purchase price. Mrs. Clemens and the baby were able to travel, so without wasting any time, he took them to Elmira, to Quarry Farm.

Quarry Farm, the home of Mrs. Clemens's sister, Mrs. Theodore Crane, is a beautiful hilltop, with a wide green slope, overlooking the hazy city and the Chemung River, beyond which are the distant hills. It was bought quite incidentally by Mr. and Mrs. Langdon, who, driving by one evening, stopped to water the horses and decided that it would make a happy summer retreat, where the families could combine their housekeeping arrangements during vacation days. When the place had first been purchased, they had debated on a name for it. They had tried several, among them “Go-as-you-please Hall,” “Crane's Nest,” and had finally agreed upon “Rest and Be Thankful.” But this was only its official name. There was an abandoned quarry up the hill, a little way from the house, and the title suggested by Thomas K. Beecher came more naturally to the tongue. The place became Quarry Farm, and so remains.

Quarry Farm, the home of Mrs. Clemens's sister, Mrs. Theodore Crane, is a beautiful hilltop with a wide green slope, overlooking the hazy city and the Chemung River, beyond which are the distant hills. It was bought quite accidentally by Mr. and Mrs. Langdon, who, driving by one evening, stopped to water the horses and decided it would make a lovely summer getaway where the families could share living arrangements during vacation days. When they first bought the place, they debated what to name it. They tried several options, including “Go-as-you-please Hall” and “Crane's Nest,” and finally settled on “Rest and Be Thankful.” But that was just its official name. There was an abandoned quarry up the hill, not far from the house, and the name suggested by Thomas K. Beecher felt more natural. The place became Quarry Farm, and that's how it has remained.

Clemens and his wife had fully made up their minds to live in Hartford. They had both conceived an affection for the place, Clemens mainly because of Twichell, while both of them yearned for the congenial literary and social atmosphere, and the welcome which they felt awaited them. Hartford was precisely what Buffalo in that day was not—a home for the literary man. It held a distinguished group of writers, most of whom the Clemenses already knew. Furthermore, with Bliss as publisher of the Mark Twain books, it held their chief business interests.

Clemens and his wife were completely set on living in Hartford. They had both grown fond of the place, with Clemens largely feeling this way because of Twichell, while they both craved the friendly literary and social vibe, along with the warm welcome they believed awaited them. Hartford was exactly what Buffalo at that time was not—a home for writers. It had a notable group of authors, most of whom the Clemenses were already familiar with. Additionally, with Bliss as the publisher of the Mark Twain books, it was central to their main business interests.

Their plans for going were not very definite as to time. Clemens found that his work went better at the farm, and that Mrs. Clemens and the delicate baby daily improved. They decided to remain at Quarry Farm for the summer, their first summer in that beautiful place which would mean so much to them in the years to come.

Their plans for going weren't very specific about when. Clemens discovered that he worked better on the farm and that Mrs. Clemens and the fragile baby improved every day. They decided to stay at Quarry Farm for the summer, their first summer in that beautiful place that would mean so much to them in the years ahead.

It was really Joe Goodman, as much as anything, that stirred a fresh enthusiasm in the new book. Goodman arrived just when the author's spirits were at low ebb.

It was really Joe Goodman, more than anything, who sparked a new excitement in the book. Goodman showed up right when the author's mood was at a low point.

“Joe,” he said, “I guess I'm done for. I don't appear to be able to get along at all with my work, and what I do write does not seem valuable. I'm afraid I'll never be able to reach the standard of 'The Innocents Abroad' again. Here is what I have written, Joe. Read it, and see if that is your opinion.”

"Joe," he said, "I think I'm finished. I just can't seem to get along with my work, and what I do write doesn't seem meaningful. I'm worried I'll never be able to reach the level of 'The Innocents Abroad' again. Here’s what I’ve written, Joe. Read it and let me know if you feel the same."

Goodman took the manuscript and seated himself in a chair, while Clemens went over to a table and pretended to work. Goodman read page after page, critically, and was presently absorbed in it. Clemens watched him furtively, till he could stand it no longer. Then he threw down his pen, exclaiming:

Goodman took the manuscript and sat down in a chair, while Clemens walked over to a table and pretended to work. Goodman read page after page, analyzing it critically, and soon became completely absorbed. Clemens watched him closely, until he could no longer hold back. Then he tossed aside his pen, exclaiming:

“I knew it! I knew it! I am writing nothing but rot. You have sat there all this time reading without a smile, and pitying the ass I am making of myself. But I am not wholly to blame. I am not strong enough to fight against fate. I have been trying to write a funny book, with dead people and sickness everywhere. Mr. Langdon died first, then a young lady in our house, and now Mrs. Clemens and the baby have been at the point of death all winter! Oh, Joe, I wish to God I could die myself!”

“I knew it! I knew it! I'm writing total nonsense. You've been sitting there this whole time reading without a smile, feeling sorry for the fool I'm making of myself. But I can’t take all the blame. I'm not strong enough to fight against fate. I've been trying to write a funny book, but it’s filled with dead people and illness everywhere. Mr. Langdon was the first to die, then a young lady in our house, and now Mrs. Clemens and the baby have been on the brink of death all winter! Oh, Joe, I wish to God I could just die myself!”

“Mark,” said Joe, “I was reading critically, not for amusement, and so far as I have read, and can judge, this is one of the best things you have ever written. I have found it perfectly absorbing. You are doing a great book!”

“Mark,” Joe said, “I was reading thoughtfully, not just for fun, and from what I've read so far, this is one of the best things you've ever written. I found it completely captivating. You're creating a fantastic book!”

Clemens knew that Goodman never spoke except from conviction, and the verdict was to him like a message of life handed down by an archangel. He was a changed man instantly. He was all enthusiasm, full of his subject, eager to go on. He proposed to pay Goodman a salary to stay there and keep him company and furnish him with inspiration—the Pacific coast atmosphere and vernacular, which he feared had slipped away from him. Goodman declined the salary, but extended his visit as long as his plans would permit, and the two had a happy time together, recalling old Comstock days. Every morning, for a month or more, they used to tramp over the farm. They fell into the habit of visiting the old quarry and pawing over the fragments in search of fossil specimens. Both of them had a poetic interest in geology, its infinite remotenesses and its testimonies. Without scientific knowledge, they took a deep pleasure in accumulating a collection, which they arranged on boards torn from an old fence, until they had enough specimens to fill a small museum. They imagined they could distinguish certain geological relations and families, and would talk about trilobites, the Old Red Sandstone period, and the azoic age, or follow random speculation to far-lying conclusions, developing vague humors of phrase and fancy, having altogether a joyful good time.

Clemens knew that Goodman only spoke when he truly believed in something, and the verdict felt to him like a message of life delivered by an archangel. He instantly became a changed man. He was full of enthusiasm, deeply engaged in his topic, and eager to continue. He suggested paying Goodman a salary to stay and keep him company, providing the Pacific coast vibe and lingo that he feared he had lost touch with. Goodman declined the salary but extended his visit for as long as his plans allowed, and the two enjoyed a great time reminiscing about the old Comstock days. Every morning, for over a month, they would hike around the farm. They developed a routine of visiting the old quarry and sifting through the rocks looking for fossil specimens. Both had a poetic interest in geology, fascinated by its vastness and stories. Lacking scientific knowledge, they found immense joy in gathering a collection, which they displayed on boards ripped from an old fence, until they had enough specimens to fill a small museum. They believed they could identify certain geological relationships and families, discussing trilobites, the Old Red Sandstone period, and the azoic age, or meandering into random thoughts that led to imaginative conclusions, sharing a whimsical and joyful time together.

Another interest that developed during Goodman's stay was in one Ruloff, who was under death sentence for a particularly atrocious murder. The papers were full of Ruloff's prodigious learning. It was said that he had in preparation a work showing the unity of all languages. Goodman and Clemens agreed that Ruloff's death would be a great loss to mankind, even though he was clearly a villain and deserved his sentence. They decided that justice would be served just as well if some stupid person were hung in his place, and following out this fancy Clemens one morning put aside his regular work and wrote an article to the Tribune, offering to supply a substitute for Ruloff. He signed it simply “Samuel Langhorne,” and it was published as a serious communication, without comment, so far as the Tribune was concerned. Other papers, however, took it up and it was widely copied and commented upon. Apparently no one ever identified, Mark Twain with the authorship of the letter, which, by the way, does not appear to have prolonged Ruloff's earthly usefulness.—[The reader will find the Ruloff letter in full under Appendix K, at the end of last volume.]

Another interest that developed during Goodman's stay was in a man named Ruloff, who was sentenced to death for a particularly heinous murder. The newspapers were filled with Ruloff's impressive intellect. It was said that he was working on a project that aimed to show the connection between all languages. Goodman and Clemens agreed that Ruloff's death would be a major loss to humanity, even though he was obviously a criminal and deserved his punishment. They concluded that justice would still be served if some ignorant person was hanged instead of him. Following this idea, Clemens decided one morning to set aside his usual work and wrote an article for the Tribune, offering to provide a substitute for Ruloff. He simply signed it “Samuel Langhorne,” and it was published as a serious letter, without any commentary from the Tribune. However, other newspapers picked it up, and it was widely reproduced and discussed. Interestingly, no one seemed to connect Mark Twain with the authorship of the letter, which, by the way, doesn’t seem to have extended Ruloff's usefulness in this world.—[The reader will find the Ruloff letter in full under Appendix K, at the end of last volume.]

Life at the farm may have furnished agricultural inspiration, for Clemens wrote something about Horace Greeley's farming, also a skit concerning Henry Ward Beecher's efforts in that direction. Of Mr. Beecher's farming he said:

Life on the farm might have provided some farming inspiration, as Clemens wrote something about Horace Greeley's farming, along with a skit about Henry Ward Beecher's attempts in that area. Regarding Mr. Beecher's farming, he said:

“His strawberries would be a comfortable success if robins would eat turnips.”

“His strawberries would do well if robins ate turnips.”

The article amused Beecher, and perhaps Greeley was amused too, for he wrote:

The article entertained Beecher, and maybe Greeley found it amusing as well, because he wrote:

    MARK,—You are mistaken as to my criticisms on your farming. I
    never publicly made any, while you have undertaken to tell the exact
    cost per pint of my potatoes and cabbages, truly enough the
    inspiration of genius. If you will really betake yourself to
    farming, or even to telling what you know about it, rather than what
    you don't know about mine, I will not only refrain from disparaging
    criticism, but will give you my blessing.

                     Yours,  HORACE GREELEY.
    MARK,—You’re wrong about my criticisms of your farming. I never said anything negative publicly, while you’ve taken it upon yourself to tell everyone exactly how much my potatoes and cabbages cost, which is quite the creative leap. If you actually focus on farming yourself, or even share what you know about it instead of commenting on what you don’t know about mine, I won’t just hold back my criticism, but I’ll also support you. 

                     Yours,  HORACE GREELEY.

The letter is in Mr. Greeley's characteristic scrawl, and no doubt furnished inspiration for the turnip story in 'Roughing It', also the model for the pretended facsimile of Greeley's writing.

The letter is in Mr. Greeley's usual messy handwriting, and it definitely inspired the turnip story in 'Roughing It,' also serving as the basis for the fake version of Greeley's writing.

Altogether that was a busy, enterprising summer at Quarry Farm. By the middle of May, Clemens wrote to Bliss that he had twelve hundred manuscript pages of the new book already written, and that he was turning out the remainder at the rate of from thirty to sixty-five per day. He was in high spirits by this time. The family health had improved, and prospects were bright.

Overall, it was a busy and productive summer at Quarry Farm. By mid-May, Clemens wrote to Bliss that he had already completed twelve hundred manuscript pages of the new book and was producing the rest at a pace of thirty to sixty-five pages a day. He was in great spirits at this point. The family's health had improved, and things were looking good.

I have enough manuscript on hand now to make (allowing for engravings) about four hundred pages of the book, consequently am two-thirds done. I intended to run up to Hartford about the middle of the week and take it along, but I find myself so thoroughly interested in my work now (a thing I have not experienced for months) that I can't bear to lose a single moment of the inspiration. So I will stay here and peg away as long as it lasts. My present idea is to write as much more as I have already written, and then collect from the mass the very best chapters and discard the rest. When I get it done I want to see the man who will begin to read it and not finish it. Nothing grieves me now; nothing troubles me, nothing bothers me or gets my attention. I don't think of anything but the book, and don't have an hour's unhappiness about anything, and don't care two cents whether school keeps or not. The book will be done soon now. It will be a starchy book; the dedication will be worth the price of the volume. Thus:

I currently have enough manuscript ready to produce about four hundred pages of the book, which means I'm two-thirds finished. I planned to head up to Hartford around the middle of the week and bring it with me, but I find myself so deeply engaged in my work right now (something I haven't felt in months) that I can't stand to waste a moment of this inspiration. So, I'll stick around and keep working as long as it lasts. My current plan is to write as much more as I've already completed, then sift through everything to select the best chapters and toss the rest. Once I'm done, I want to meet the person who starts reading it and doesn’t finish it. Right now, nothing bothers me; nothing troubles me, and nothing distracts me. I’m only focused on the book, and I haven’t felt unhappy about anything for even an hour, nor do I care at all if school is in session or not. The book will be finished soon. It will be a notable book; the dedication alone will be worth the price of the volume. Thus:

                   TO THE LATE CAIN
                  THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED

    not on account of respect for his memory, for it merits little
    respect; not on account of sympathy for him, for his bloody deed
    places him without the pale of sympathy, strictly speaking, but
    out of a mere humane commiseration for him, in that it was his
    misfortune to live in a dark age that knew not the beneficent
    insanity plea.
                   TO THE LATE CAIN
                  THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED

    not out of respect for his memory, since that earns little respect; not out of sympathy for him, since his violent act puts him beyond the reach of sympathy, strictly speaking, but out of a simple human pity for him, in that it was his misfortune to live in a dark age that didn’t recognize the helpful insanity plea.

Probably Mrs. Clemens diverted this picturesque dedication in favor of the Higbie inscription, or perhaps the author never really intended the literary tribute to Cain. The impulse that inspired it, however, was characteristic.

Probably Mrs. Clemens changed this charming dedication to favor the Higbie inscription, or maybe the author never really meant the literary tribute to Cain. The inspiration behind it, though, was typical.

In a postscript to this letter he adds:

In a postscript to this letter, he adds:

    My stock is looking up. I am getting the bulliest offers for books
    and almanacs; am flooded with lecture invitations, and one
    periodical offers me $6,000 cash for twelve articles of any length,
    and on any subject, treated humorously or otherwise.
    My stock is looking up. I’m getting the best offers for books and almanacs; I’m overwhelmed with lecture invitations, and one magazine is offering me $6,000 cash for twelve articles of any length, on any topic, whether humorous or not.

He set in to make hay while the sun was shining. In addition to the California book, which was now fast nearing completion, he discussed a scheme with Goodman for a six-hundred-page work which they were to do jointly; he planned and wrote one or two scenes from a Western play, to be built from episodes in the new book (one of them was the “Arkansas” incident, related in Chapter XXXI); he perfected one of his several inventions—an automatically adjusting vest-strap; he wrote a number of sketches, made an occasional business trip to New York and Hartford; prospected the latter place for a new home. The shadow which had hung over the sojourn in Buffalo seemed to have lifted.

He got to work, ready to take advantage of the good times. Besides the California book, which was almost done, he talked with Goodman about a plan for a six-hundred-page project they would do together. He wrote one or two scenes for a Western play, inspired by events in the new book (one of them was the “Arkansas” incident, mentioned in Chapter XXXI); he improved one of his inventions—a vest strap that adjusts automatically; he produced several sketches, took occasional business trips to New York and Hartford; and he checked out Hartford as a potential new home. The gloom that had lingered over his time in Buffalo seemed to have lifted.

He had promised Bliss some contributions for his new paper, and in June he sent three sketches. In an accompanying letter he says:

He had promised Bliss some contributions for his new paper, and in June he sent three sketches. In an accompanying letter, he says:

    Here are three articles which you may have if you will pay $125 for
    the lot. If you don't want them I'll sell them to the Galaxy, but
    not for a cent less than three times the money.... If you take them
    pay one-tenth of the $125 in weekly instalments to Orion till he has
    received it all.
Here are three articles that you can have if you pay $125 for the whole set. If you’re not interested, I’ll sell them to the Galaxy, but not for a cent less than three times that amount. If you decide to take them, pay one-tenth of the $125 in weekly installments to Orion until he’s received the full amount.

He reconsidered his resolution not to lecture again, and closed with Redpath for the coming season. He found himself in a lecture-writing fever. He wrote three of them in succession: one on Artemus Ward, another on “Reminiscences of Some Pleasant Characters I Have Met,” and a third one based on chapters from the new book. Of the “Reminiscence” lecture he wrote Redpath:

He thought twice about his decision not to give lectures anymore and signed on with Redpath for the upcoming season. He became obsessed with writing lectures, churning out three in a row: one about Artemus Ward, another titled “Reminiscences of Some Pleasant Characters I Have Met,” and a third based on chapters from the new book. Regarding the “Reminiscence” lecture, he wrote to Redpath:

“It covers my whole acquaintance; kings, lunatics, idiots, and all.” Immediately afterward he wrote that he had prepared still another lecture, “title to be announced later.”

“It includes everyone I know; kings, crazies, fools, and all.” Right after that, he noted that he had put together another lecture, “title to be announced later.”

“During July I'll decide which one I like best,” he said. He instructed Redpath not to make engagements for him to lecture in churches. “I never made a success of a lecture in a church yet. People are afraid to laugh in a church.”

“During July I'll decide which one I like best,” he said. He instructed Redpath not to schedule any church lectures for him. “I’ve never had a successful lecture in a church. People are too afraid to laugh in a church.”

Redpath was having difficulties in arranging a circuit to suit him. Clemens had prejudices against certain towns and localities, prejudices that were likely to change overnight. In August he wrote:

Redpath was struggling to set up a circuit that worked for him. Clemens had biases against certain towns and places, biases that could easily shift overnight. In August he wrote:

    DEAR RED,—I am different from other women; my mind changes oftener.
    People who have no mind can easily be stead fast and firm, but when
    a man is loaded down to the guards with it, as I am, every heavy sea
    of foreboding or inclination, maybe of indolence, shifts the cargo.
    See? Therefore, if you will notice, one week I am likely to give
    rigid instructions to confine me to New England; the next week send
    me to Arizona; the next week withdraw my name; the next week give
    you full, untrammeled swing; and the week following modify it. You
    must try to keep the run of my mind, Redpath that is your business,
    being the agent, and it always was too many for me.... Now about
    the West this week, I am willing that you shall retain all the
    Western engagements. But what I shall want next week is still with
    God.
                         Yours,  MARK.
    DEAR RED,—I'm not like other women; my mind changes more often. 
    People without much thought can be steady and reliable, but when 
    a man is overwhelmed with it, as I am, every heavy wave of fear or 
    laziness shifts the burden. 
    See? So, if you pay attention, one week I might insist on staying in New England; the next week I might want to go to Arizona; the week after that, I could ask you to pull my name; and then I might give you complete freedom the following week, only to change my mind again. You need to keep track of my thoughts, Redpath—that’s your job as my agent, and it was always too much for me.... Now, regarding the West this week, I'm fine with you keeping all the Western engagements. But what I'll want next week is still in God's hands. 
                         Yours, MARK.

He was in Hartford when this letter was written, arranging for residence there and the removal of his belongings. He finally leased the fine Hooker house on Ford Street, in that pleasant seclusion known as Nook Farm—the literary part of Hartford, which included the residence of Charles Dudley Warner and Harriet Beecher Stowe. He arranged for possession of the premises October 1st. So the new home was settled upon; then learning that Nasby was to be in Boston, he ran over to that city for a few days of recreation after his season's labors.

He was in Hartford when this letter was written, making arrangements to live there and move his belongings. He eventually rented the nice Hooker house on Ford Street, in the pleasant area known as Nook Farm—the literary part of Hartford, which was home to Charles Dudley Warner and Harriet Beecher Stowe. He arranged to take possession of the place on October 1st. With the new home sorted out, he found out that Nasby was going to be in Boston, so he headed over to that city for a few days of leisure after a busy season.

Preparations for removal to Hartford were not delayed. The Buffalo property was disposed of, the furnishings were packed and shipped away. The house which as bride and groom they had entered so happily was left empty and deserted, never to be entered by them again. In the year and a half of their occupancy it had seen well-nigh all the human round, all that goes to make up the happiness and the sorrow of life.

Preparations for the move to Hartford happened quickly. They sold the Buffalo property, and the furniture was packed up and shipped out. The house they had so joyfully entered as a newlywed couple was left empty and abandoned, never to be entered by them again. During their year and a half there, it had witnessed nearly all of life’s ups and downs, everything that contributes to both happiness and sorrow.





LXXXIII. LECTURING DAYS

Life in Hartford, in the autumn of 1871, began in the letter, rather than in the spirit. The newcomers were received with a wide, neighborly welcome, but the disorder of establishment and the almost immediate departure of the head of the household on a protracted lecturing tour were disquieting things; the atmosphere of the Clemens home during those early Hartford days gave only a faint promise of its future loveliness.

Life in Hartford, in the fall of 1871, started with formalities rather than warm feelings. The newcomers were greeted with a friendly, neighborly welcome, but the chaos of settling in and the quick departure of the head of the household for a long lecture tour were unsettling. The overall vibe of the Clemens home during those early days in Hartford offered only a small hint of its future charm.

As in a far later period, Mark Twain had resorted to lecturing to pay off debt. He still owed a portion of his share in the Express; also he had been obliged to obtain an advance from the lecture bureau. He dreaded, as always, the tedium of travel, the clatter of hotel life, the monotony of entertainment, while, more than most men, he loved the tender luxury of home. It was only that he could not afford to lose the profit offered on the platform.

As in a much later time, Mark Twain turned to lecturing to pay off his debts. He still owed part of his share in the Express and had to take an advance from the lecture bureau. He dreaded, as always, the dullness of travel, the noise of hotel life, and the repetitiveness of entertainment, while he loved the comforting luxury of home more than most people. It was just that he couldn’t afford to miss the profits that came from being on stage.

His season opened at Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, October 16th, and his schedule carried him hither and thither, to and fro, over distances that lie between Boston and Chicago. There were opportunities to run into Hartford now and then, when he was not too far away, and in November he lectured there on Artemus Ward.

His season started in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, on October 16th, and his schedule took him all over, traveling back and forth between Boston and Chicago. He occasionally had the chance to swing by Hartford, especially when he wasn't too far away, and in November he gave a lecture there on Artemus Ward.

He changed his entertainment at least twice that season. He began with the “Reminiscences,” the lecture which he said would treat of all those whom he had met, “idiots, lunatics, and kings,” but he did not like it, or it did not go well. He wrote Redpath of the Artemus Ward address:

He switched up his entertainment at least twice that season. He started with the “Reminiscences,” the lecture where he claimed he would cover everyone he had met, “idiots, lunatics, and kings,” but he wasn’t into it, or it didn’t go well. He wrote to Redpath about the Artemus Ward address:

“It suits me, and I'll never deliver the nasty, nauseous 'Reminiscences' any more.”

“It works for me, and I’ll never share the unpleasant, sickening 'Reminiscences' again.”

But the Ward lecture was good for little more than a month, for on December 8th he wrote again:

But the Ward lecture was good for not much more than a month, because on December 8th he wrote again:

    Notify all hands that from this time I shall talk nothing but
    selections from my forthcoming book, 'Roughing It'. Tried it twice
    last night; suits me tiptop.
    Notify everyone that from now on I will only discuss excerpts from my upcoming book, 'Roughing It.' I tested it twice last night; it works for me perfectly.

And somewhat later:

And a bit later:

    Had a splendid time with a splendid audience in Indianapolis last
    night; a perfectly jammed house, just as I have all the time out
    here.... I don't care now to have any appointments canceled. I'll
    even “fetch” those Dutch Pennsylvanians with this lecture.

    Have paid up $4,000 indebtedness. You are the last on my list.
    Shall begin to pay you in a few days, and then I shall be a free man
    again.
    Had an amazing time with an amazing audience in Indianapolis last night; a completely packed house, just like it always is out here... I don’t want any of my appointments canceled now. I’ll even bring those Dutch Pennsylvanians in with this lecture. 
    
    I've paid off my $4,000 debt. You’re the last on my list. I’ll start paying you in a few days, and then I’ll be free again.

Undoubtedly he reveled in the triumphs of a platform tour, though at no time did he regard it as a pleasure excursion. During those early weeks the proofs of his new book, chasing him from place to place, did not add to his comfort. Still, with large, substantial rewards in hand and in prospect, one could endure much.

Undoubtedly he enjoyed the successes of a promotional tour, but he never saw it as a leisurely trip. During those early weeks, the proofs of his new book, following him from place to place, didn’t make things any easier. Still, with significant rewards both received and anticipated, one could put up with a lot.

In the neighborhood of Boston there were other compensations. He could spend a good part of his days at the Lyceum headquarters, in School Street, where there was always congenial fellowship—Nasby, Josh Billings, and the rest of the peripatetic group that about the end of the year collected there. Their lectures were never tried immediately in Boston, but in the outlying towns; tried and perfected—or discarded. When the provincial audiences were finally satisfied, then the final. test in the Boston Music Hall was made, and if this proved successful the rest of the season was safe. Redpath's lecturers put up at Young's Hotel, and spent their days at the bureau, smoking and spinning yarns, or talking shop. Early in the evening they scattered to the outlying towns, Lowell, Lexington, Concord, New Bedford. There is no such a condition to-day: lecturers are few, lecture bureaus obscure; there are no great reputations made on the platform.

In the Boston area, there were other perks. He could spend a lot of his days at the Lyceum headquarters on School Street, where there was always a friendly atmosphere—Nasby, Josh Billings, and the rest of the traveling group that gathered there around the end of the year. Their lectures weren't trialed immediately in Boston; they were first tested in surrounding towns—refined or dropped. Once the local audiences were satisfied, the final test took place at the Boston Music Hall, and if that went well, the rest of the season was secure. Redpath's lecturers stayed at Young's Hotel and spent their days at the bureau, smoking, telling stories, or discussing their work. In the evening, they would head out to nearby towns like Lowell, Lexington, Concord, and New Bedford. That kind of scene doesn’t exist today: there are few lecturers, obscure lecture bureaus, and no major reputations built on stage.

Neither is there any such distinct group of humorists as the one just mentioned. Humor has become universal since then. Few writers of this age would confess to taking their work so seriously as to be at all times unsmiling in it; only about as many, in fact, as in that day would confess to taking their work so lightly that they could regard life's sterner phases and philosophies with a smile.

There’s no distinct group of humorists like the one previously mentioned. Humor has become universal since then. Very few writers today would admit to taking their work so seriously that they’re always unsmiling; in fact, only about as many as back then would admit to taking their work so lightly that they could look at life’s tougher aspects and philosophies with a smile.

Josh Billings was one of the gentlest and loveliest of our pioneers of laughter. The present generation is not overfamiliar even with his name, but both the name and sayings of that quaint soul were on everybody's lips at the time of which we are writing. His true name was Henry W. Shaw, and he was a genuine, smiling philosopher, who might have built up a more permanent and serious reputation had he not been induced to disfigure his maxims with ridiculous spelling in order to popularize them and make them bring a living price. It did not matter much with Nasby's work. An assumed illiteracy belonged with the side of life which he presented; but it is pathetic now to consider some of the really masterly sayings of Josh Billings presented in that uncouth form which was regarded as a part of humor a generation ago. Even the aphorisms that were essentially humorous lose value in that degraded spelling.

Josh Billings was one of the gentlest and most delightful of our laughter pioneers. Today's generation isn't very familiar even with his name, but both his name and his sayings were on everyone's lips back in the day. His real name was Henry W. Shaw, and he was a genuine, cheerful philosopher who could have built a more lasting and serious reputation if he hadn't been persuaded to ruin his maxims with silly spelling to make them popular and sellable. This didn't matter much with Nasby's work. A fake illiteracy fit well with the side of life he presented; but it's sad now to think about some of the truly masterful sayings of Josh Billings presented in that awkward form that was seen as humor a generation ago. Even the sayings that were meant to be humorous lose their value with that cringeworthy spelling.

“When a man starts down hill everything is greased for the occasion,” could hardly be improved upon by distorted orthography, and here are a few more gems which have survived that deadly blight.

“When a man starts downhill, everything is greased for the occasion,” could hardly be improved upon by misspellings, and here are a few more gems that have survived that deadly blight.

“Some folks mistake vivacity for wit; whereas the difference between vivacity and wit is the same as the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.”

“Some people confuse liveliness with intelligence; the difference between liveliness and intelligence is like the difference between a firefly and a lightning strike.”

“Don't take the bull by the horns-take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.”

“Don't take the bull by the horns—take him by the tail; that way, you can let go when you want.”

“The difficulty is not that we know so much, but that we know so much that isn't so.”

“The problem isn’t that we know so much, but that we know so much that isn’t true.”

Josh Billings, Nasby, and Mark Twain were close friends. They had themselves photographed in a group, and there was always some pleasantry going on among them. Josh Billings once wrote on “Lekturing,” and under the head of “Rule Seven,” which treated of unwisdom of inviting a lecturer to a private house, he said:

Josh Billings, Nasby, and Mark Twain were good friends. They got a group photo taken together, and they always had some fun banter going on. Josh Billings once wrote about “Lecturing,” and under “Rule Seven,” which discussed the unwise practice of inviting a speaker to a private home, he said:

    Think of asking Mark Twain home with yu, for instance. Yure good
    wife has put her house in apple-pie order for the ockashun;
    everything is just in the right place. Yu don't smoke in yure
    house, never. Yu don't put yure feet on the center-table, yu don't
    skatter the nuzepapers all over the room, in utter confushion: order
    and ekonemy governs yure premises. But if yu expeckt Mark Twain to
    be happy, or even kumfortable yu hav got to buy a box of cigars
    worth at least seventeen dollars and yu hav got to move all the
    tender things out ov yure parlor. Yu hav got to skatter all the
    latest papers around the room careless, you hav got to hav a pitcher
    ov icewater handy, for Mark is a dry humorist. Yu hav got to ketch
    and tie all yure yung ones, hed and foot, for Mark luvs babys only
    in theory; yu hav got to send yure favorite kat over to the nabors
    and hide yure poodle. These are things that hav to be done, or Mark
    will pak hiz valise with hiz extry shirt collar and hiz lektur on
    the Sandwich Islands, and travel around yure streets, smoking and
    reading the sighns over the store doorways untill lektur time
    begins.
Think about inviting Mark Twain over to your house, for example. Your good wife has cleaned everything perfectly for the occasion; everything is just where it should be. You don’t smoke in your house, ever. You don’t put your feet on the coffee table, you don’t scatter newspapers all over the room in total chaos: order and tidiness rule your home. But if you expect Mark Twain to be happy or even comfortable, you need to buy a box of cigars worth at least seventeen dollars and move all the delicate things out of your living room. You need to scatter the latest papers around the room casually, and you should have a pitcher of ice water nearby because Mark has a dry sense of humor. You have to catch and tie up all your little ones, head and feet, because Mark only likes babies in theory; you have to send your favorite cat over to the neighbors and hide your poodle. These are things that must be done, or Mark will pack his bag with his extra shirt collar and his lecture on the Sandwich Islands, wandering around your streets, smoking and reading the signs over the store doorways until lecture time starts.

As we-are not likely to touch upon Mark Twain's lecturing, save only lightly, hereafter, it may be as well to say something of his method at this period. At all places visited by lecturers there was a committee, and it was the place of the chairman to introduce the lecturer, a privilege which he valued, because it gave him a momentary association with distinction and fame. Clemens was a great disappointment to these officials. He had learned long ago that he could introduce himself more effectively than any one else. His usual formula was to present himself as the chairman of the committee, introducing the lecturer of the evening; then, with what was in effect a complete change of personality, to begin his lecture. It was always startling and amusing, always a success; but the papers finally printed this formula, which took the freshness out of it, so that he had to invent others. Sometimes he got up with the frank statement that he was introducing himself because he had never met any one who could pay a proper tribute to his talents; but the newspapers printed that too, and he often rose and began with no introduction at all.

Since we’re not likely to delve into Mark Twain's lecturing too much afterward, it makes sense to discuss his approach during this time. At all the venues hosting lecturers, there was a committee, and the chairman's role was to introduce the lecturer—a privilege he appreciated as it provided a brief connection to fame and recognition. Clemens often disappointed these officials. He had figured out long ago that he could introduce himself more effectively than anyone else. His typical approach was to present himself as the chairman of the committee, introducing the lecturer of the evening; then, in effect, he would completely change his personality and start his lecture. It was always surprising and entertaining, and it usually worked well; however, the papers eventually started publishing this format, which took away its originality, forcing him to come up with new ones. Sometimes, he would simply say he was introducing himself because he'd never met anyone who could properly acknowledge his talents; but the newspapers wrote that up too, and he often just began without any introduction at all.

Whatever his method of beginning, Mark Twain's procedure probably was the purest exemplification of the platform entertainer's art which this country has ever seen. It was the art that makes you forget the artisanship, the art that made each hearer forget that he was not being personally entertained by a new and marvelous friend, who had traveled a long way for his particular benefit. One listener has written that he sat “simmering with laughter” through what he supposed was the continuation of the introduction, waiting for the traditional lecture to begin, when presently the lecturer, with a bow, disappeared, and it was over. The listener looked at his watch; he had been there more than an hour. He thought it could be no more than ten minutes, at most. Many have tried to set down something of the effect his art produced on them, but one may not clearly convey the story of a vanished presence and a silent voice.

No matter how he started, Mark Twain's approach was likely the best example of a platform entertainer's craft this country has ever seen. It was the kind of performance that makes you forget the skill behind it, the kind that made each audience member feel like they were being personally entertained by a new and amazing friend who had traveled a long way just for them. One listener noted that he sat “simmering with laughter” through what he thought was just the introduction, waiting for the usual lecture to start, when suddenly the lecturer, with a bow, vanished, and it was done. The listener checked his watch; he had been there for more than an hour. He thought it felt like it could be no more than ten minutes, at most. Many have tried to describe the impact his performance had on them, but it’s hard to truly capture the essence of a lost presence and a quiet voice.

There were other pleasant associations in Boston. Howells was there, and Aldrich; also Bret Harte, who had finished his triumphal progress across the continent to join the Atlantic group. Clemens appears not to have met Aldrich before, though their acquaintance had begun a year earlier, when Aldrich, as editor of Every Saturday, had commented on a poem entitled, “The Three Aces,” which had appeared in the Buffalo Express. Aldrich had assumed the poem to be the work of Mark Twain, and had characterized it as “a feeble imitation of Bret Harte's 'Heathen Chinee.'” Clemens, in a letter, had mildly protested as to the charge of authorship, and Aldrich had promptly printed the letter with apologetic explanation. A playful exchange of personal letters followed, and the beginning of a lifelong friendship.

There were other enjoyable connections in Boston. Howells was there, along with Aldrich and Bret Harte, who had just wrapped up his successful journey across the country to join the Atlantic group. Clemens seems to not have met Aldrich before, even though they had started their connection a year earlier when Aldrich, as editor of Every Saturday, commented on a poem titled “The Three Aces,” which had been published in the Buffalo Express. Aldrich had thought the poem was written by Mark Twain and described it as “a weak imitation of Bret Harte's 'Heathen Chinee.'” Clemens, in a letter, had politely objected to the authorship accusation, and Aldrich quickly published the letter along with an apologetic note. This led to a playful exchange of personal letters and the start of a lifelong friendship.

One of the letters has a special interest here. Clemens had followed his protest with an apology for it, asking that no further notice be taken of the matter. Aldrich replied that it was too late to prevent “doing him justice,” as his explanation was already on the press, but that if Clemens insisted he would withdraw it in the next issue. Clemens then wrote that he did not want it withdrawn, and explained that he hated to be accused of plagiarizing Bret Harte, to whom he was deeply indebted for literary schooling in the California days. Continuing he said:

One of the letters is particularly noteworthy here. Clemens had followed up his protest with an apology, asking that no further attention be given to the issue. Aldrich responded that it was too late to stop “doing him justice,” since his explanation was already being printed, but that if Clemens really wanted, he would remove it in the next issue. Clemens then wrote that he didn’t want it removed and explained that he couldn’t stand being accused of copying Bret Harte, to whom he felt a deep debt for his literary education during his time in California. He continued by saying:

    Do you know the prettiest fancy and the neatest that ever shot
    through Harte's brain? It was this. When they were trying to
    decide upon a vignette cover for the Overland a grizzly bear (of the
    arms of the State of California) was chosen. Nahl Bros. carved him
    and the page was printed with him in it.

    As a bear he was a success. He was a good bear, but then, it was
    objected, he was an objectless bear—a bear that meant nothing,
    signified nothing, simply stood there, snarling over his shoulder at
    nothing, and was painfully and manifestly a boorish and ill-natured
    intruder upon the fair page. All hands said that none were
    satisfied; they hated badly to give him up, and yet they hated as
    much to have him there when there was no point to him. But
    presently Harte took a pencil and drew two simple lines under his
    feet, and behold he was a magnificent success!—the ancient symbol
    of California savagery, snarling at the approaching type of high and
    progressive civilization, the first Overland locomotive! I just
    think that was nothing less than an inspiration.—[The “bear” was
    that which has always appeared on the Overland cover; the “two
    lines” formed a railway track under his feet. Clemens's original
    letter contained crude sketches illustrating these things.]
Do you know the most beautiful and neatest idea that ever came to Harte's mind? It was this: when they were trying to choose a vignette cover for the Overland, they picked a grizzly bear (from the California state emblem). Nahl Bros. sculpted him, and the page was printed with him included.

As a bear, he was a hit. He was a good bear, but then, there was the issue that he was an aimless bear—a bear that didn’t mean anything, didn’t convey anything, just stood there, growling over his shoulder at nothing, and was painfully and obviously a rude and unpleasant intruder on the lovely page. Everyone said they weren’t happy; they really didn’t want to give him up, but they also didn’t want him there when he had no meaning. But soon Harte took a pencil and drew two simple lines under his feet, and suddenly he was a huge success!—the timeless symbol of California’s wildness, growling at the coming type of advanced and modern civilization, the first Overland train! I think that was nothing short of genius.—[The “bear” was what has always appeared on the Overland cover; the “two lines” formed a railway track under his feet. Clemens's original letter included rough sketches illustrating these ideas.]

Among the Boston group was another Californian, Ralph Keeler, an eccentric, gifted, and altogether charming fellow, whom Clemens had known on the Pacific slope. Keeler had been adopted by the Boston writers, and was grateful and happy accordingly. He was poor of purse, but inexhaustibly rich in the happier gifts of fortune. He was unfailingly buoyant, light-hearted, and hopeful. On an infinitesimal capital he had made a tour of many lands, and had written of it for the Atlantic. In that charmed circle he was as overflowingly happy as if he had been admitted to the company of the gods. Keeler was affectionately regarded by all who knew him, and he offered a sort of worship in return. He often accompanied Mark Twain on his lecture engagements to the various outlying towns, and Clemens brought him back to his hotel for breakfast, where they had good, enjoyable talks together. Once Keeler came eagerly to the hotel and made his way up to Clemens's room.

Among the Boston group was another Californian, Ralph Keeler, an eccentric, talented, and completely charming guy whom Clemens had known back in California. Keeler had been embraced by the Boston writers, and he was grateful and happy about it. He didn’t have much money, but he was endlessly rich in the happier aspects of life. He was always upbeat, light-hearted, and optimistic. With just a little money, he had traveled to many places and had written about it for the Atlantic. In that special circle, he was overflowingly happy as if he had been welcomed into the company of the gods. Keeler was fondly regarded by everyone who knew him, and he showed a kind of devotion in return. He often joined Mark Twain on his lecture trips to various towns, and Clemens would invite him back to his hotel for breakfast, where they enjoyed good, stimulating conversations. One time, Keeler eagerly came to the hotel and made his way up to Clemens's room.

“Come with me,” he said. “Quick!”

“Come with me,” he said. “Hurry!”

“What is it? What's happened?”

“What’s going on? What happened?”

“Don't wait to talk. Come with me.”

“Don’t wait to speak up. Come with me.”

They tramped briskly through the streets till they reached the public library, entered, Keeler leading the way, not stopping till he faced a row of shelves filled with books. He pointed at one of them, his face radiant with joy.

They walked quickly through the streets until they got to the public library, with Keeler leading the way, not stopping until he stood in front of a row of shelves packed with books. He pointed at one of them, his face shining with joy.

“Look,” he said. “Do you see it?”

“Look,” he said. “Do you see it?”

Clemens looked carefully now and identified one of the books as a still-born novel which Keeler had published.

Clemens took a closer look and recognized one of the books as a failed novel that Keeler had published.

“This is a library,” said Keeler, eagerly, “and they've got it!”

“This is a library,” said Keeler, excitedly, “and they have it!”

His whole being was aglow with the wonder of it. He had been investigating; the library records showed that in the two years the book had been there it had been taken out and read three times! It never occurred to Clemens even to smile. Knowing Mark Twain, one would guess that his eyes were likely to be filled with tears.

His entire being was lit up with amazement. He had been looking into it; the library records indicated that in the two years the book had been there, it had been checked out and read three times! It didn’t even cross Clemens' mind to smile. Knowing Mark Twain, one would assume that his eyes were probably filled with tears.

In his book about Mark Twain, Howells tells of a luncheon which Keeler gave to his more famous associates—Aldrich, Fields, Harte, Clemens, and Howells himself—a merry informal occasion. Says Howells:

In his book about Mark Twain, Howells talks about a lunch that Keeler hosted for his more famous friends—Aldrich, Fields, Harte, Clemens, and Howells himself—a cheerful, casual event. Howells says:

    Nothing remains to me of the happy time but a sense of idle and
    aimless and joyful talk—play, beginning and ending nowhere, of
    eager laughter, of countless good stories from Fields, of a heat-
    lightning shimmer of wit from Aldrich, of an occasional
    concentration of our joint mockeries upon our host, who took it
    gladly; and amid the discourse, so little improving, but so full of
    good-fellowship, Bret Harte's leering dramatization of Clemens's
    mental attitude toward a symposium of Boston illuminates. “Why,
    fellows,” he spluttered, “this is the dream of Mark's life,” and I
    remember the glance from under Clemens's feathery eyebrows which
    betrayed his enjoyment of the fun.
Nothing remains for me of that happy time except a feeling of carefree and aimless yet joyful conversations—playing around, starting and ending nowhere, filled with excited laughter, countless great stories from Fields, and a spark of wit from Aldrich, along with the occasional focus of our group’s teasing on our host, who took it in stride; and in the middle of the not-so-enlightening but very friendly chatter, Bret Harte's sly portrayal of Clemens's attitude towards a Boston gathering stands out. “Hey, guys,” he exclaimed, “this is Mark’s dream come true,” and I remember the glance from under Clemens's feathery eyebrows that showed he was enjoying the fun.

Very likely Keeler gave that luncheon in celebration of his book's triumph; it would be like him.

It's very likely that Keeler hosted that lunch to celebrate the success of his book; it definitely sounds like something he would do.

Keeler's end was a mystery. The New York Tribune commissioned him to go to Cuba to report the facts of some Spanish outrages. He sailed from New York in the steamer, and was last seen alive the night before the vessel reached Havana. He had made no secret of his mission, but had discussed it in his frank, innocent way. There were some Spanish military men on the ship.

Keeler's fate was unclear. The New York Tribune hired him to travel to Cuba to report on some Spanish atrocities. He left New York on a steamer and was last seen alive the night before the ship arrived in Havana. He had openly shared details about his mission, discussing it in his straightforward, candid manner. There were some Spanish military officers on board the ship.

Clemens, commenting on the matter, once said:

Clemens, sharing his thoughts on the issue, once said:

“It may be that he was not flung into the sea, still the belief was general that that was what had happened.”

“It might be that he wasn't thrown into the sea, but most people believed that was what happened.”

In his book Howells refers to the doubt with which Mark Twain was then received by the polite culture of Boston; which, on the other hand, accepted Bret Harte as one of its own, forgiving even social shortcomings.

In his book, Howells talks about the skepticism with which Mark Twain was received by the refined culture of Boston, while, on the flip side, they embraced Bret Harte as one of their own, even overlooking his social flaws.

The reason is not difficult to understand. Harte had made his appeal with legitimate fiction of the kind which, however fresh in flavor and environment, was of a sort to be measured and classified. Harte spoke a language they could understand; his humor, his pathos, his point of view were all recognizable. It was an art already standardized by a master. It is no reflection on the genius of Bret Harte to liken his splendid achievements to those of Charles Dickens. Much of Harte's work is in no way inferior to that of his great English prototype. Dickens never wrote a better short story than “The Outcasts of Poker Flats.” He never wrote as good a short story as “The Luck of Roaring Camp.” Boston critics promptly realized these things and gave Harte his correct rating. That they failed to do this with Mark Twain, lay chiefly in the fact that he spoke to them in new and startling tongues. His gospels were likely to be heresies; his literary eccentricities were all unclassified. Of the ultrafastidious set Howells tells us that Charles Eliot Norton and Prof. Francis J. Child were about the only ones who accorded him unqualified approval. The others smiled and enjoyed him, but with that condescension which the courtier is likely to accord to motley and the cap and bells. Only the great, simple-hearted, unbiased multitude, the public, which had no standards but the direct appeal from one human heart to another, could recognize immediately his mightier heritage, could exalt and place him on the throne.

The reason is easy to grasp. Harte had made his case using legitimate fiction, which, though fresh in style and setting, could still be categorized and defined. Harte communicated in a way that resonated with his audience; his humor, his emotion, and his perspective were all familiar. His art had already been refined by a master. It’s not diminishing to Bret Harte’s talent to compare his impressive work to that of Charles Dickens. Much of Harte's writing is just as good as that of his famous English counterpart. Dickens never wrote a better short story than “The Outcasts of Poker Flat.” He never produced a short story as good as “The Luck of Roaring Camp.” Boston critics quickly recognized these facts and rated Harte appropriately. Their failure to do the same for Mark Twain stemmed mainly from the fact that he spoke to them in new and surprising ways. His stories were often seen as unconventional; his literary quirks were all unclassifiable. Among the overly picky group, Howells noted that Charles Eliot Norton and Prof. Francis J. Child were about the only ones who fully approved of him. The others enjoyed his work but with the kind of patronizing attitude a courtier might show to a jester. Only the vast, straightforward, unbiased public—those who had no criteria except the direct connection from one heart to another—could instantly recognize his greater legacy and elevate him to prominence.





LXXXIV. “ROUGHING IT”.

Telegram to Redpath:

    How in the name of God does a man find his way from here to Amherst,
    and when must he start? Give me full particulars, and send a man
    with me. If I had another engagement I would rot before I would
    fill it.                S. L. CLEMENS.
    How on earth does a guy get from here to Amherst, and when should he leave? Give me all the details, and send someone with me. If I had another commitment, I'd rather do nothing than go through with it.                S. L. CLEMENS.

This was at the end of February, and he believed that he was standing on the platform for the last time. He loathed the drudgery of the work, and he considered there was no further need. He was no longer in debt, and his income he accounted ample. His new book, 'Roughing It',—[It was Bliss who had given the new book the title of Roughing It. Innocents at Home had been its provision title, certainly a misleading one, though it has been retained in England for the second volume; for what reason it would be difficult to explain.]—had had a large advance sale, and its earnings promised to rival those of the 'Innocents'. He resolved in the future to confine himself to the trade and profits of authorship.

This was at the end of February, and he thought he was standing on the platform for the last time. He hated the grind of the work and felt there was no need to continue. He was no longer in debt, and he considered his income sufficient. His new book, 'Roughing It'—[It was Bliss who had given the new book the title of Roughing It. Innocents at Home had been its working title, definitely a misleading one, though it has been kept in England for the second volume; for what reason it would be hard to explain.]—had a strong advance sale, and its earnings were expected to match those of the 'Innocents.' He decided that in the future, he would focus solely on the business and profits of writing.

The new book had advantages in its favor. Issued early in the year, it was offered at the best canvassing season; particularly so, as the author's lectures had prepared the public for its reception. Furthermore, it dealt with the most picturesque phases of American life, scenes and episodes vastly interesting at that time, and peculiarly adapted to Mark Twain's literary expression. In a different way 'Roughing It' is quite as remarkable as 'The Innocents Abroad.' If it has less charm, it has greater interest, and it is by no means without charm. There is something delicious, for instance, in this bit of pure enjoyment of the first day's overland travel:

The new book had some great advantages. Released early in the year, it was available during the best time for promotion, especially since the author's lectures had gotten the public ready for it. Plus, it focused on the most colorful aspects of American life, with scenes and stories that were really captivating at that time and were a perfect match for Mark Twain's writing style. In its own way, 'Roughing It' is just as noteworthy as 'The Innocents Abroad.' While it may not have the same charm, it offers more intrigue, and it definitely has its share of charm. For example, there’s something delightful about this moment of sheer enjoyment on the first day of traveling across the country:

    It was now just dawn, and as we stretched our cramped legs full
    length on the mail-sacks, and gazed out through the windows across
    the wide wastes of greensward clad in cool, powdery mist to where
    there was an expectant look in the Eastern horizon, our perfect
    enjoyment took the form of a tranquil and contented ecstasy. The
    stage whirled along at a spanking gait, the breeze flapping the
    curtains and suspended coats in a most exhilarating way; the cradle
    swayed and swung luxuriously, the pattering of the horses' hoofs,
    the cracking of the driver's whip, and his “Hi-yi! g'lang!” were
    music; the spinning ground and the waltzing trees appeared to give
    us a mute hurrah as we went by, and then slack up and look after us
    with interest and envy, or something; and as we lay and smoked the
    pipe of peace, and compared all this luxury with the years of
    tiresome city life that had gone before it, we felt that there was
    only one complete and satisfying happiness in the world, and we had
    found it.
    It was just dawn, and as we stretched our cramped legs fully on the mail sacks and looked out through the windows across the wide stretches of grassy land covered in cool, powdery mist towards the promising horizon in the east, our perfect enjoyment felt like a calm and happy ecstasy. The stagecoach moved along at a brisk pace, the breeze fluttering the curtains and hanging coats in a really refreshing way; the carriage swayed and swung comfortably, the sound of the horses' hooves, the cracking of the driver's whip, and his “Hi-yi! g'lang!” were like music; the spinning landscape and the dancing trees seemed to cheer us on as we passed by, then slowed down to watch us with interest and maybe a bit of envy. As we relaxed and smoked in peace, comparing this luxury to the exhausting city life we had lived before, we realized there was only one true source of complete happiness in the world, and we had found it.

Also, there is that lofty presentation of South Pass, and a picture of the alkali desert, so parching, so withering in its choking realism, that it makes the throat ache and the tongue dry to read it. Just a bit of the desert in passing:

Also, there’s that grand depiction of South Pass, and an image of the alkali desert, so arid, so harsh in its suffocating realism, that it makes your throat ache and your tongue feel dry just to read it. Just a glimpse of the desert in passing:

    The sun beats down with a dead, blistering, relentless malignity;
    the perspiration is welling from every pore in man and beast, but
    scarcely a sign of it finds its way to the surface—it is absorbed
    before it gets there; there is not the faintest breath of air
    stirring; there is not a merciful shred of cloud in all the
    brilliant firmament; there is not a living creature visible in any
    direction whither one searches the blank level that stretches its
    monotonous miles on every hand; there is not a sound, not a sigh,
    not a whisper, not a buzz, or a whir of wings, or distant pipe of
    bird; not even a sob from the lost souls that doubtless people that
    dead air.
The sun shines down with a brutal, scorching intensity; sweat is pouring from every pore in both people and animals, but hardly any of it reaches the surface—it’s absorbed before it can escape; there's not a hint of a breeze stirring; not a single comforting cloud in the clear blue sky; no living creature in sight no matter which way you look across the endless, flat miles; there’s no sound, no sigh, no whisper, no buzzing or flapping of wings, or distant calls from birds; not even a whimper from the lost souls that surely inhabit this lifeless air.

As for the humor of the book, it has been chiefly famous for that. “Buck Fanshaw's Funeral” has become a classic, and the purchase of the “Mexican Plug.” But it is to no purpose to review the book here in detail. We have already reviewed the life and environment out of which it grew.

As for the humor in the book, that’s what it’s mostly known for. “Buck Fanshaw's Funeral” has become a classic, as has the purchase of the “Mexican Plug.” However, it’s pointless to go into detail about the book here. We’ve already discussed the life and setting from which it emerged.

Without doubt the story would have contained more of the poetic and contemplative, in which he was always at his best, if the subject itself, as in the Innocents, had lent itself oftener to this form of writing. It was the lack of that halo perhaps which caused the new book never quite to rank with its great forerunner in public favor. There could hardly be any other reason. It presented a fresher theme; it abounded in humor; technically, it was better written; seemingly it had all the elements of popularity and of permanence. It did, in fact, possess these qualities, but its sales, except during the earlier months of its canvass, never quite equaled those of The Innocents Abroad.

Without a doubt, the story could have been more poetic and reflective, where he always excelled, if the subject itself, like in The Innocents, had allowed for this style of writing more often. It was probably the absence of that special quality that kept the new book from matching its predecessor in public appeal. There couldn’t be any other reason. It had a more original theme; it was full of humor; technically, it was better written; it seemed to have all the ingredients for popularity and longevity. It truly had these qualities, but its sales, except during the initial months of its release, never quite reached those of The Innocents Abroad.

'Roughing It' was accepted by the public for just what it was and is, a great picture of the Overland Pioneer days—a marvelous picture of frontier aspects at a time when the frontier itself, even with its hardships and its tragedies, was little more than a vast primal joke; when all frontiersmen were obliged to be laughing philosophers in order to survive the stress of its warfares.

'Roughing It' was embraced by the public for exactly what it is: a fantastic depiction of the Overland Pioneer days—a wonderful portrayal of frontier life at a time when the frontier, despite its difficulties and tragedies, was basically a huge primal joke; when all frontiersmen had to be humorous thinkers just to cope with the pressures of its struggles.

A word here about this Western humor: It is a distinct product. It grew out of a distinct condition—the battle with the frontier. The fight was so desperate, to take it seriously was to surrender. Women laughed that they might not weep; men, when they could no longer swear. “Western humor” was the result. It is the freshest, wildest humor in the world, but there is tragedy behind it.

A quick note about Western humor: it's a unique creation. It emerged from a specific situation—the struggle with the frontier. The battle was so intense that taking it seriously meant giving up. Women laughed to avoid crying; men laughed when they could no longer curse. This is what we call “Western humor.” It's the most original and wildest humor out there, but there's tragedy lurking beneath.

'Roughing It' presented the picture of those early conditions with the startling vividness and truth of a great novel, which, in effect, it was. It was not accurate history, even of the author's own adventures. It was true in its aspects, rather than in its details. The greater artist disregards the truth of detail to render more strikingly a phase or a condition, to produce an atmosphere, to reconstruct a vanished time. This was what Mark Twain did in 'Roughing It'. He told the story of overland travel and the frontier, for his own and future generations, in what is essentially a picaresque novel, a work of unperishing fiction, founded on fact.

'Roughing It' paints a vivid and truthful picture of those early conditions, much like a great novel, which it essentially was. It wasn't a precise account of history, even regarding the author's own experiences. It captured the essence rather than the specifics. The greater artist focuses less on the truth of detailed facts to more powerfully convey a phase or situation, create an atmosphere, or bring back a lost era. That's what Mark Twain accomplished in 'Roughing It'. He shared the story of overland travel and the frontier for both his generation and those yet to come, in what is truly a picaresque novel, a timeless piece of fiction based on reality.

The sales of 'Roughing It' during the first three months aggregated nearly forty thousand copies, and the author was lavishly elate accordingly. To Orion (who had already closed his career with Bliss, by exercise of those hereditary eccentricities through which he so often came to grief) he gave $1,000 out of the first royalty check, in acknowledgment of the memorandum book and other data which Orion had supplied. Clemens believed the new book would sell one hundred thousand copies within the year; but the sale diminished presently, and at the end of the first year it was considerably behind the Innocents for the same period. As already stated, it required ten years for Roughing It to reach the one-hundred-thousand mark, which the Innocents reached in three.

The sales of 'Roughing It' in the first three months totaled almost forty thousand copies, and the author was extremely happy about it. He gave Orion, who had already wrapped up his career with Bliss due to his usual quirks that often got him into trouble, $1,000 from the first royalty check as a thanks for the notebook and other information Orion had provided. Clemens thought the new book would sell one hundred thousand copies in a year, but sales dropped off soon after, and by the end of the first year, it was significantly behind the Innocents for the same time frame. As mentioned earlier, it took Roughing It ten years to hit the one-hundred-thousand mark, while the Innocents reached it in three.





LXXXV. A BIRTH, A DEATH, AND A VOYAGE

The year 1872 was an eventful one in Mark Twain's life. At Elmira, on March 19th, his second child, a little girl, whom they named Susan Olivia, was born. On June 2d, in the new home in Hartford, to which they had recently moved, his first child, a little boy, Langdon, died. He had never been strong, his wavering life had often been uncertain, always more of the spirit than the body, and in Elmira he contracted a heavy cold, or perhaps it was diphtheria from the beginning. In later years, whenever Clemens spoke of the little fellow, he never failed to accuse himself of having been the cause of the child's death. It was Mrs. Clemens's custom to drive out each morning with Langdon, and once when she was unable to go Clemens himself went instead.

The year 1872 was a significant one in Mark Twain's life. In Elmira, on March 19th, his second child, a little girl named Susan Olivia, was born. On June 2nd, in their new home in Hartford, where they had just moved, his first child, a little boy named Langdon, passed away. He had never been very strong; his fragile health was often a concern, always more about spirit than body, and in Elmira, he caught a bad cold, or possibly diphtheria from the start. In later years, whenever Clemens talked about the little guy, he always blamed himself for the child's death. It was Mrs. Clemens's routine to drive out each morning with Langdon, and one time when she couldn't go, Clemens took her place.

“I should not have been permitted to do it,” he said, remembering. “I was not qualified for any such responsibility as that. Some one should have gone who had at least the rudiments of a mind. Necessarily I would lose myself dreaming. After a while the coachman looked around and noticed that the carriage-robes had dropped away from the little fellow, and that he was exposed to the chilly air. He called my attention to it, but it was too late. Tonsilitis or something of the sort set in, and he did not get any better, so we took him to Hartford. There it was pronounced diphtheria, and of course he died.”

“I shouldn’t have been allowed to do it,” he said, recalling the moment. “I wasn't suited for that kind of responsibility. Someone who actually had a bit of common sense should have gone instead. Naturally, I got lost in my thoughts. Eventually, the coachman looked back and saw that the carriage robes had slipped off the little guy, and he was exposed to the cold. He pointed it out to me, but it was too late. Tonsillitis or something like that kicked in, and he didn’t get any better, so we took him to Hartford. There, they diagnosed it as diphtheria, and of course, he died.”

So, with or without reason, he added the blame of another tragedy to the heavy burden of remorse which he would go on piling up while he lived.

So, whether it was justified or not, he added the blame of another tragedy to the heavy load of remorse he would continue to accumulate throughout his life.

The blow was a terrible one to Mrs. Clemens; even the comfort of the little new baby on her arm could not ease the ache in her breast. It seemed to her that death was pursuing her. In one of her letters she says:

The blow was a devastating one for Mrs. Clemens; even the comfort of the little new baby in her arms couldn't ease the pain in her heart. It felt to her like death was chasing her. In one of her letters, she says:

“I feel so often as if my path is to be lined with graves,” and she expresses the wish that she may drop out of life herself before her sister and her husband—a wish which the years would grant.

“I often feel like my path is going to be filled with graves,” and she wishes that she could leave life before her sister and her husband—a wish that the years would fulfill.

They did not return to Elmira, for it was thought that the air of the shore would be better for the little girl; so they spent the summer at Saybrook, Connecticut, at Fenwick Hall, leaving Orion and his wife in charge of the house at Hartford.

They didn’t go back to Elmira because it was believed that the sea air would be healthier for the little girl. Instead, they spent the summer in Saybrook, Connecticut, at Fenwick Hall, leaving Orion and his wife to take care of the house in Hartford.

Beyond a few sketches, Clemens did very little literary work that summer, but he planned a trip to Europe, and he invented what is still known and sold as the “Mark Twain Scrap-Book.”

Beyond a few sketches, Clemens did very little writing that summer, but he planned a trip to Europe and created what is still known and sold as the “Mark Twain Scrap-Book.”

He wrote to Orion of his proposed trip to England, and dilated upon his scrap-book with considerable enthusiasm. The idea had grown out of the inconvenience of finding a paste-jar, and the general mussiness of scrap-book keeping. His new plan was a self-pasting scrap-book with the gum laid on in narrow strips, requiring only to be dampened with a sponge or other moist substance to be ready for the clipping. He states that he intends to put the invention into the hands of Slote, Woodman & Co., of whom Dan Slote, his old Quaker City room-mate, was the senior partner, and have it manufactured for the trade.

He wrote to Orion about his planned trip to England and enthusiastically talked about his scrapbook. The idea came from the hassle of finding a jar of glue and the messy nature of keeping a scrapbook. His new plan was for a self-pasting scrapbook with glue applied in narrow strips, so it only needed to be moistened with a sponge or another wet item to be ready for sticking in clippings. He mentions that he plans to hand the invention over to Slote, Woodman & Co., whose senior partner, Dan Slote, was his old roommate from Quaker City, and have it produced for the market.

About this time began Mark Twain's long and active interest in copyright. Previously he had not much considered the subject; he had taken it for granted there was no step that he could take, while international piracy was a recognized institution. On both sides of the water books were appropriated, often without profit, sometimes even without credit, to the author. To tell the truth, Clemens had at first regarded it rather in the nature of a compliment that his books should be thought worth pirating in England, but as time passed he realized that he was paying heavily for this recognition. Furthermore, he decided that he was forfeiting a right; rather that he was being deprived of it: something which it was in his nature to resent.

Around this time, Mark Twain became increasingly interested in copyright. Previously, he hadn’t given it much thought; he assumed there was nothing he could do while international piracy was a well-known issue. On both sides of the Atlantic, books were taken without permission, often without any profit, and sometimes even without giving credit to the author. To be honest, Clemens initially saw it as a compliment that his books were considered worth pirating in England, but as time went on, he realized he was paying a high price for this recognition. Additionally, he concluded that he was losing a right; rather, he was being deprived of it: something he naturally resented.

When 'Roughing It' had been ready for issue he agreed with Bliss that they should try the experiment of copyrighting it in England, and see how far the law would protect them against the voracious little publisher, who thus far had not only snapped up everything bearing Mark Twain's signature, but had included in a volume of Mark Twain sketches certain examples of very weak humor with which Mark Twain had been previously unfamiliar.

When 'Roughing It' was ready to be published, he and Bliss decided to try copyrighting it in England to see how well the law would protect them from the greedy little publisher. This publisher had already taken everything associated with Mark Twain's name and had even included some poorly written humor in a collection of Mark Twain sketches that Twain had never seen before.

Whatever the English pirate's opinion of the copyright protection of 'Roughing It' may have been, he did not attempt to violate it. This was gratifying. Clemens came to regard England as a friendly power. He decided to visit it and spy out the land. He would make the acquaintance of its people and institutions and write a book, which would do these things justice.

Whatever the English pirate thought about the copyright protection of 'Roughing It,' he didn't try to break it. This was a relief. Clemens began to see England as a friendly place. He decided to visit and check it out. He wanted to meet its people and learn about its institutions so he could write a book that accurately represented them.

He gave out no word of his real purpose. He merely said that he was going over to see his English publishers, and perhaps to arrange for a few lectures. He provided himself with some stylographic note-books, by which he could produce two copies of his daily memoranda—one for himself and one to mail to Mrs. Clemens—and sailed on the Scotia August 21, 1872.

He didn’t reveal his true intentions. He just said he was going to meet with his English publishers and maybe set up a few lectures. He got himself some special notebooks that let him make two copies of his daily notes—one for himself and one to send to Mrs. Clemens—and he sailed on the Scotia on August 21, 1872.

Arriving in Liverpool he took train for London, and presently the wonderful charm of that old, finished country broke upon him. His “first hour in England was an hour of delight,” he records; “of rapture and ecstasy. These are the best words I can find, but they are not adequate; they are not strong enough to convey the feeling which this first vision of rural England brought me.” Then he noticed that the gentleman opposite in his compartment paid no attention to the scenery, but was absorbed in a green-covered volume. He was so absorbed in it that, by and by, Clemens's curiosity was aroused. He shifted his position a little and his eye caught the title. It was the first volume of the English edition of The Innocents Abroad. This was gratifying for a moment; then he remembered that the man had never laughed, never even smiled during the hour of his steady reading. Clemens recalled what he had heard of the English lack of humor. He wondered if this was a fair example of it, and if the man could be really taking seriously every word he was reading. Clemens could not look at the scenery any more for watching his fellow-passenger, waiting with a fascinated interest for the paragraph that would break up that iron-clad solemnity. It did not come. During all the rest of the trip to London the atmosphere of the compartment remained heavy with gloom.

Arriving in Liverpool, he took a train to London, and soon the incredible charm of that old, refined country hit him. He noted, “My first hour in England was an hour of delight; of joy and ecstasy. These are the best words I can find, but they don’t do justice; they aren’t strong enough to express the feeling this first glimpse of rural England gave me.” Then he noticed that the man sitting across from him in the compartment was completely focused on a green-covered book. He was so engrossed that Clemens’s curiosity was piqued. He shifted slightly and caught sight of the title. It was the first volume of the English edition of The Innocents Abroad. This pleased him for a moment, but then he realized that the man had not laughed or even smiled during the entire hour of his uninterrupted reading. Clemens recalled what he had heard about the English lack of humor. He wondered if this was a typical example and whether the man was really taking every word he read seriously. Clemens found it hard to look at the scenery anymore since he was watching his fellow passenger, eagerly waiting for a paragraph that might shatter that impenetrable seriousness. It never came. For the rest of the trip to London, the mood in the compartment remained heavy with gloom.

He drove to the Langham Hotel, always popular with Americans, established himself, and went to look up his publishers. He found the Routledges about to sit down to luncheon in a private room, up-stairs, in their publishing house. He joined them, and not a soul stirred from that table again until evening. The Routledges had never heard Mark Twain talk before, never heard any one talk who in the least resembled him. Various refreshments were served during the afternoon, came and went, while this marvelous creature talked on and they listened, reveling, and wondering if America had any more of that sort at home. By and by dinner was served; then after a long time, when there was no further excuse for keeping him there, they took him to the Savage Club, where there were yet other refreshments and a gathering of the clans to welcome this new arrival as a being from some remote and unfamiliar star.

He drove to the Langham Hotel, a favorite spot for Americans, got settled in, and went to find his publishers. He discovered the Routledges about to start lunch in a private room upstairs at their publishing house. He joined them, and nobody moved from that table again until evening. The Routledges had never heard Mark Twain speak before, nor anyone who even slightly resembled him. Various snacks were served throughout the afternoon, coming and going, while this amazing man talked on and they listened, enjoying themselves and wondering if America had any more people like him back home. Eventually, dinner was served; then, after a long time, when there was no reason to keep him there any longer, they took him to the Savage Club, where there were more refreshments and a gathering of people to welcome this newcomer as if he were from some distant and unknown star.

Tom Hood, the younger, was there, and Harry Lee, and Stanley the explorer, who had but just returned from finding Livingstone, and Henry Irving, and many another whose name remains, though the owners of those names are all dead now, and their laughter and their good-fellowship are only a part of that intangible fabric which we call the past.'—[Clemens had first known Stanley as a newspaper man. “I first met him when he reported a lecture of mine in St. Louis,” he said once in a conversation where the name of Stanley was mentioned.]

Tom Hood Jr. was there, along with Harry Lee and the explorer Stanley, who had just returned from finding Livingstone, and Henry Irving, and many others whose names are remembered, even though those people are all gone now, and their laughter and camaraderie are just part of that intangible fabric we call the past. —[Clemens first met Stanley when he was a newspaper reporter. “I first encountered him when he covered a lecture of mine in St. Louis,” he once said during a conversation mentioning Stanley.]





LXXXVI. ENGLAND

From that night Mark Twain's stay in England could not properly be called a gloomy one.

From that night on, Mark Twain's time in England couldn't really be described as gloomy.

Routledge, Hood, Lee, and, in fact, all literary London, set themselves the task of giving him a good time. Whatever place of interest they could think of he was taken there; whatever there was to see he saw it. Dinners, receptions, and assemblies were not complete without him. The White Friars' Club and others gave banquets in his honor. He was the sensation of the day. When he rose to speak on these occasions he was greeted with wild cheers. Whatever he said they eagerly applauded—too eagerly sometimes, in the fear that they might be regarded as insensible to American humor. Other speakers delighted in chaffing him in order to provoke his retorts. When a speaker humorously referred to his American habit of carrying a cotton umbrella, his reply that he followed this custom because a cotton umbrella was the only kind of an umbrella that an Englishman wouldn't steal, was all over England next day, and regarded as one of the finest examples of wit since the days of Swift.

Routledge, Hood, Lee, and basically everyone in literary London made it their mission to show him a good time. No matter what place of interest they could think of, he was taken there; everything worth seeing, he saw. Dinners, receptions, and gatherings weren't complete without him. The White Friars' Club and others held banquets in his honor. He was the talk of the town. When he stood up to speak, he was met with raucous cheers. Everything he said was met with enthusiastic applause—sometimes too enthusiastic, out of fear of being seen as insensitive to American humor. Other speakers loved to tease him to provoke his comebacks. When one speaker humorously mentioned his American habit of carrying a cotton umbrella, his reply that he did this because a cotton umbrella was the only type that an Englishman wouldn't steal spread all over England the next day and was considered one of the best examples of wit since Swift's time.

The suddenness and completeness of his acceptance by the great ones of London rather overwhelmed and frightened him made him timid. Joaquin Miller writes:

The abrupt and total acceptance he received from the prominent figures of London left him feeling overwhelmed and scared, making him shy. Joaquin Miller writes:

    He was shy as a girl, although time was already coyly flirting white
    flowers at his temples, and could hardly be coaxed to meet the
    learned and great who wanted to take him by the hand.
    He was as shy as a girl, even though time was already playfully showing white flowers at his temples, and he could hardly be encouraged to meet the wise and important people who wanted to take him by the hand.

Many came to call on him at his hotel, among them Charles Reade and Canon Kingsley. Kingsley came twice without finding him; then wrote, asking for an appointment. Reade invited his assistance on a novel. Indeed, it was in England that Mark Twain was first made to feel that he had come into his rightful heritage. Whatever may have been the doubts concerning him in America, there was no question in England. Howells says:

Many people visited him at his hotel, including Charles Reade and Canon Kingsley. Kingsley came by twice but didn’t find him; then he wrote to request a meeting. Reade asked for his help on a novel. In fact, it was in England that Mark Twain first felt he had truly found his place. Whatever doubts there may have been about him in America, there was no question in England. Howells says:

    In England rank, fashion, and culture rejoiced in him. Lord mayors,
    lord chief justices, and magnates of many kinds were his hosts; he
    was desired in country houses, and his bold genius captivated the
    favor of periodicals which spurned the rest of our nation.
    In England, status, style, and culture celebrated him. Lord mayors, chief justices, and various influential figures welcomed him; he was sought after in country estates, and his daring talent won over the approval of magazines that turned away from the rest of our country.

After that first visit of Mark Twain's, when Americans in England, referring to their great statesmen, authors, and the like, naturally mentioned the names of Seward, Webster, Lowell, or Holmes, the English comment was likely to be: “Never mind those. We can turn out academic Sewards by the dozen, and cultured humorists like Lowell and Holmes by the score. Tell us of Lincoln, Artemus Ward, and Mark Twain. We cannot match these; they interest us.” And it was true. History could not match them, for they were unique.

After that first visit from Mark Twain, when Americans in England talked about their great leaders, writers, and so on, they would usually mention names like Seward, Webster, Lowell, or Holmes. The English response often was: “Forget those. We can produce scholarly Sewards by the dozen and cultured humorists like Lowell and Holmes by the score. Tell us about Lincoln, Artemus Ward, and Mark Twain. We can’t compete with them; they interest us.” And that was true. History couldn’t match them because they were one-of-a-kind.

Clemens would have been more than human if in time he had not realized the fuller meaning of this triumph, and exulted in it a little to the folks at home. There never lived a more modest, less pretentious, less aggressive man than Mark Twain, but there never lived a man who took a more childlike delight in genuine appreciation; and, being childlike, it was only human that he should wish those nearest to him to share his happiness. After one memorable affair he wrote:

Clemens would have been more than human if he hadn't eventually understood the deeper significance of this success and celebrated it a bit with his family back home. There has never been a more humble, unassuming, or non-confrontational man than Mark Twain, but there has never been a man who took more innocent joy in real appreciation; and, being childlike, it was only natural for him to want those closest to him to share in his happiness. After one unforgettable event, he wrote:

    I have been received in a sort of tremendous way to-night by the
    brains of London, assembled at the annual dinner of the sheriffs of
    London; mine being (between you and me) a name which was received
    with a thundering outburst of spontaneous applause when the long
    list of guests was called.
    I was welcomed in an incredible way tonight by the intellectual elite of London, gathered at the annual dinner of the sheriffs of London; my name (just between us) got a huge round of spontaneous applause when the long list of guests was read aloud.

I might have perished on the spot but for the friendly support and assistance of my excellent friend, Sir John Bennett.

I might have died on the spot if it weren't for the kind support and help of my great friend, Sir John Bennett.

This letter does not tell all of the incident or the real reason why he might have perished on the spot. During the long roll-call of guests he had lost interest a little, and was conversing in whispers with his “excellent friend,” Sir John Bennett, stopping to applaud now and then when the applause of the others indicated that some distinguished name had been pronounced. All at once the applause broke out with great vehemence. This must be some very distinguished person indeed. He joined in it with great enthusiasm. When it was over he whispered to Sir John:

This letter doesn’t explain everything about the incident or the real reason he might have died right there. During the long roll-call of guests, he had lost some interest and was chatting quietly with his “great friend,” Sir John Bennett, pausing to clap occasionally when the crowd’s applause signaled that a notable name had been mentioned. Suddenly, the applause erupted with great intensity. This must be someone really remarkable. He joined in with real enthusiasm. Once it was over, he leaned in and whispered to Sir John:

“Whose name was that we were just applauding?”

“Whose name were we just cheering for?”

“Mark Twain's.”

"Mark Twain's."

Whereupon the support was needed.

Support was needed.

Poor little pirate Hotten did not have a happy time during this visit. He had reveled in the prospect at first, for he anticipated a large increase to be derived from his purloined property; but suddenly, one morning, he was aghast to find in the Spectator a signed letter from Mark Twain, in which he was repudiated, referred to as “John Camden Hottentot,” an unsavory person generally. Hotten also sent a letter to the Spectator, in which he attempted to justify himself, but it was a feeble performance. Clemens prepared two other communications, each worse than the other and both more destructive than the first one. But these were only to relieve his mind. He did not print them. In one of them he pursued the fancy of John Camden Hottentot, whom he offers as a specimen to the Zoological Gardens.

Poor little pirate Hotten didn’t have a good time during this visit. At first, he was excited about the possibilities because he thought he could make a lot from his stolen goods; but suddenly, one morning, he was shocked to see a signed letter from Mark Twain in the Spectator, where he was called out as “John Camden Hottentot,” an unsavory character in general. Hotten also wrote a letter to the Spectator, trying to defend himself, but it was weak. Clemens wrote two more responses, each worse than the last and even more damaging than the first. But he didn’t publish these—they were just a way to clear his mind. In one, he joked about John Camden Hottentot, suggesting he be put on display at the Zoological Gardens.

It is not a bird. It is not a man. It is not a fish. It does not seem to be in all respects a reptile. It has the body and features of a man, but scarcely any of the instincts that belong to such a structure.... I am sure that this singular little creature is the missing link between the man and the hyena.

It’s not a bird. It’s not a man. It’s not a fish. It doesn’t fully appear to be a reptile. It has the body and characteristics of a man, but hardly any of the instincts that come with that structure.... I’m convinced that this unique little creature is the missing link between humans and hyenas.

Hotten had preyed upon explorer Stanley and libeled him in a so-called. biography to a degree that had really aroused some feeling against Stanley in England. Only for the moment—the Queen invited Stanley to luncheon, and newspaper criticism ceased. Hotten was in general disrepute, therefore, so it was not worth while throwing a second brick at him.

Hotten had targeted explorer Stanley and slandered him in a so-called biography to an extent that stirred up some negative sentiment against Stanley in England. But that was just for a brief time—the Queen invited Stanley to lunch, and the media's criticism stopped. Hotten was generally looked down upon, so it wasn't worth it to throw another insult his way.

In fact, now that Clemens had expended his venom, on paper, Hotten seemed to him rather an amusing figure than otherwise. An incident grew out of it all, however, that was not amusing. E. P. Hingston, whom the reader may remember as having been with Artemus Ward in Virginia City, and one of that happy group that wined and dined the year away, had been engaged by Hotten to write the introductory to his edition of The Innocents Abroad. It was a well-written, highly complimentary appreciation. Hingston did not dream that he was committing an offense, nor did Clemens himself regard it as such in the beginning.

In fact, now that Clemens had let out his frustrations on paper, Hotten actually seemed more like an amusing character than anything else. However, something happened that was far from amusing. E. P. Hingston, who you might remember from his time with Artemus Ward in Virginia City and as part of that cheerful group that spent the year enjoying good food and drinks, had been hired by Hotten to write the introduction to his edition of The Innocents Abroad. It was a well-written, highly complimentary piece. Hingston had no idea he was doing something wrong, nor did Clemens initially see it that way.

But Mark Twain's views had undergone a radical change, and with characteristic dismissal of previous conditions he had forgotten that he had ever had any other views than those he now held. Hingston was in London, and one evening, at a gathering, approached Clemens with outstretched hand. But Clemens failed to see Hingston's hand or to recognize him. In after-years his conscience hurt him terribly for this. He remembered it only with remorse and shame. Once, in his old age, he spoke of it with deep sorrow.

But Mark Twain's views had changed significantly, and with his usual disregard for the past, he completely forgot that he had ever thought differently. Hingston was in London, and one evening at a gathering, he walked up to Clemens with his hand out. But Clemens didn't notice Hingston's hand or recognize him. Later in life, this weighed heavily on his conscience. He looked back on it with regret and shame. Once, in his old age, he talked about it with deep sorrow.





LXXXVII. THE BOOK THAT WAS NEVER WRITTEN

The book on England, which he had prepared for so carefully, was never written. Hundreds of the stylographic pages were filled, and the duplicates sent home for the entertainment of Olivia Clemens, but the notes were not completed, and the actual writing was never begun. There was too much sociability in London for one thing, and then he found that he could not write entertainingly of England without introducing too many personalities, and running the risk of offending those who had taken him into their hearts and homes. In a word, he would have to write too seriously or not at all.

The book about England that he had worked on so diligently was never finished. He filled hundreds of pages with notes and sent copies back home for Olivia Clemens to enjoy, but the notes weren't complete, and he never started the actual writing. For one, there was way too much socializing going on in London, and he realized that he couldn't write engagingly about England without bringing in too many personal stories and risking upsetting the people who had welcomed him into their lives. Basically, he felt he would either have to write very seriously or not at all.

He began his memoranda industriously enough, and the volume might have been as charming and as valuable as any he has left behind. The reader will hardly fail to find a few of the entries interesting. They are offered here as examples of his daily observation during those early weeks of his stay, and to show somewhat of his purpose:

He started his notes quite diligently, and the collection could have been as delightful and worthwhile as any he has left behind. Readers will definitely find some of the entries intriguing. They're shared here as examples of his daily observations during those first weeks of his stay, and to give a glimpse of his intentions:

                    AN EXPATRIATE

    There was once an American thief who fled his country and took
    refuge in England. He dressed himself after the fashion of the
    Londoners, and taught his tongue the peculiarities of the London
    pronunciation and did his best in all ways to pass himself for a
    native. But he did two fatal things: he stopped at the Langham
    Hotel, and the first trip he took was to visit Stratford-on-Avon and
    the grave of Shakespeare. These things betrayed his nationality.

                  STANLEY AND THE QUEEN

    See the power a monarch wields! When I arrived here, two weeks ago,
    the papers and geographers were in a fair way to eat poor Stanley up
    without salt or sauce. The Queen says, “Come four hundred miles up
    into Scotland and sit at my luncheon-table fifteen minutes”; which,
    being translated, means, “Gentlemen, I believe in this man and take
    him under my protection”; and not another yelp is heard.

                  AT THE BRITISH MUSEUM

    What a place it is!

    Mention some very rare curiosity of a peculiar nature—a something
    which you have read about somewhere but never seen—they show you a
    dozen! They show you all the possible varieties of that thing!
    They show you curiously wrought jeweled necklaces of beaten gold,
    worn by the ancient Egyptians, Assyrians, Etruscans, Greeks,
    Britons—every people of the forgotten ages, indeed. They show you
    the ornaments of all the tribes and peoples that live or ever did
    live. Then they show you a cast taken from Cromwell's face in
    death; then the venerable vase that once contained the ashes of
    Xerxes.

    I am wonderfully thankful for the British Museum. Nobody comes
    bothering around me—nobody elbows me—all the room and all the
    light I want, under this huge dome—no disturbing noises—and people
    standing ready to bring me a copy of pretty much any book that ever
    was printed under the sun—and if I choose to go wandering about the
    long corridors and galleries of the great building the secrets of
    all the earth and all the ages axe laid open to me. I am not
    capable of expressing my gratitude for the British Museum—it seems
    as if I do not know any but little words and weak ones.

                WESTMINSTER ABBEY BY NIGHT

    It was past eleven o'clock and I was just going to bed. But this
    friend of mine was as reliable as he was eccentric, and so there was
    not a doubt in my mind that his “expedition” had merit in it. I put
    on my coat and boots again, and we drove away.

    “Where is it? Where are we going?”

    “Don't worry. You'll see.”

    He was not inclined to talk. So I thought this must be a weighty
    matter. My curiosity grew with the minutes, but I kept it manfully
    under the surface. I watched the lamps, the signs, the numbers as
    we thundered down the long street. I am always lost in London, day
    or night. It was very chilly, almost bleak. People leaned against
    the gusty blasts as if it were the dead of winter. The crowds grew
    thinner and thinner, and the noises waxed faint and seemed far away.
    The sky was overcast and threatening. We drove on, and still on,
    till I wondered if we were ever going to stop. At last we passed by
    a spacious bridge and a vast building, and presently entered a
    gateway, passed through a sort of tunnel, and stopped in a court
    surrounded by the black outlines of a great edifice. Then we
    alighted, walked a dozen steps or so, and waited. In a little while
    footsteps were heard, a man emerged from the darkness, and we
    dropped into his wake without saying anything. He led us under an
    archway of masonry, and from that into a roomy tunnel, through a
    tall iron gate, which he locked behind us. We followed him down
    this tunnel, guided more by his footsteps on the stone flagging than
    by anything we could very distinctly see. At the end of it we came
    to another iron gate, and our conductor stopped there and lit a
    bull's-eye lantern. Then he unlocked the gate; and I wished he had
    oiled it first, it grated so dismally. The gate swung open and we
    stood on the threshold of what seemed a limitless domed and pillared
    cavern, carved out of the solid darkness. The conductor and my
    friend took off their hats reverently, and I did likewise. For the
    moment that we stood thus there was not a sound, and the stillness
    seemed to add to the solemnity of the gloom. I looked my inquiry!

    “It is the tomb of the great dead of England-Westminster Abbey.”...

    We were among the tombs; on every hand dull shapes of men, sitting,
    standing, or stooping, inspected us curiously out of the darkness
    —reached out their hands toward us—some appealing, some beckoning,
    some warning us away. Effigies they were—statues over the graves;
    but they looked human and natural in the murky shadows. Now a
    little half-grown black and white cat squeezed herself through the
    bars of the iron gate and came purring lovingly about us, unawed by
    the time or the place, unimpressed by the marble pomp that
    sepulchers a line of mighty dead that ends with a great author of
    yesterday and began with a sceptered monarch away back in the dawn
    of history, more than twelve hundred years ago....

    Mr. Wright flashed his lantern first upon this object and then upon
    that, and kept up a running commentary that showed there was nothing
    about the venerable Abbey that was trivial in his eyes or void of
    interest. He is a man in authority, being superintendent, and his
    daily business keeps him familiar with every nook and corner of the
    great pile. Casting a luminous ray now here, now yonder, he would
    say:

    “Observe the height of the Abbey—one hundred and three feet to the
    base of the roof; I measured it myself the other day. Notice the
    base of this column—old, very old—hundreds and hundreds of years
    —and how well they knew how to build in those old days! Notice it
    —every stone is laid horizontally; that is to say, just as nature
    laid it originally in the quarry not set up edgewise; in our day
    some people set them on edge, and then wonder why they split and
    flake. Architects cannot teach nature anything. Let me remove this
    matting—it is put here to preserve the pavement; now there is a bit
    of pavement that is seven hundred years old; you can see by these
    scattering clusters of colored mosaics how beautiful it was before
    time and sacrilegious idlers marred it. Now there, in the border,
    was an inscription, once see, follow the circle-you can trace it by
    the ornaments that have been pulled out—here is an A and there is
    an O, and yonder another A—all beautiful Old English capitals;
    there is no telling what the inscription was—no record left now.
    Now move along in this direction, if you please. Yonder is where
    old King Sebert the Saxon lies his monument is the oldest one in the
    Abbey; Sebert died in 616,—[Clemens probably misunderstood the
    name. It was Ethelbert who died in 616. The name Sebert does not
    appear in any Saxon annals accessible to the author.]—and that's
    as much, as twelve hundred and fifty years ago think of it! Twelve
    hundred and fifty years! Now yonder is the last one—Charles
    Dickens—there on the floor, with the brass letters on the slab—and
    to this day the people come and put flowers on it.... There is
    Garrick's monument; and Addison's, and Thackeray's bust—and
    Macaulay lies there. And close to Dickens and Garrick lie Sheridan
    and Dr. Johnson—and here is old Parr....

    “That stone there covers Campbell the poet. Here are names you know
    pretty well—Milton, and Gray who wrote the Elegy, and Butler who
    wrote Hudibras; and Edmund Spenser, and Ben Jonson—there are three
    tablets to him scattered about the Abbey, and all got 'O, Rare Ben
    Jonson' cut on them. You were standing on one of them just now he
    is buried standing up. There used to be a tradition here that
    explains it. The story goes that he did not dare ask to be buried
    in the Abbey, so he asked King James if he would make him a present
    of eighteen inches of English ground, and the King said 'yes,' and
    asked him where he would have it, and he said in Westminster Abbey.
    Well, the King wouldn't go back on his word, and so there he is,
    sure enough-stood up on end.”
 
                    AN EXPATRIATE

    There was once an American thief who ran away from his country and sought refuge in England. He dressed like the locals and tried to master the specific way Londoners spoke, doing his best to blend in as a native. But he made two critical mistakes: he stayed at the Langham Hotel, and his first trip was to visit Stratford-on-Avon and the grave of Shakespeare. These things gave away his nationality.

                  STANLEY AND THE QUEEN

    Just see the power a monarch has! When I arrived here two weeks ago, the media and geographers were ready to criticize poor Stanley harshly. The Queen says, “Come four hundred miles up into Scotland and join me for lunch for just fifteen minutes,” which essentially means, “Gentlemen, I support this man and I'm protecting him” — and just like that, no more complaints are heard.

                  AT THE BRITISH MUSEUM

    What an amazing place!

    Mention a rare curiosity of some kind — something you’ve read about but never seen — and they’ll show you a dozen! They’ll show you every possible variety of that thing! They'll display intricately designed jeweled necklaces made of beaten gold, worn by ancient Egyptians, Assyrians, Etruscans, Greeks, Britons — every people from forgotten ages. They’ll show you the decorations from every tribe and civilization that exists or ever existed. Then, they’ll show you a cast of Cromwell's face in death; and the ancient vase that once held the ashes of Xerxes.

    I am incredibly grateful for the British Museum. Nobody bothers me — nobody jostles me — all the space and light I want beneath this huge dome — no distracting noises — and people ready to fetch me a copy of nearly any book ever printed under the sun — and if I choose to wander around the long corridors and galleries of this grand structure, the secrets of all the earth and ages are open to me. I can hardly express my gratitude for the British Museum — it feels like I only know small, weak words.

                WESTMINSTER ABBEY BY NIGHT

    It was past eleven o’clock and I was just about to go to bed. But this friend of mine was as reliable as he was quirky, so I knew his “expedition” had some merit. I put my coat and boots back on, and we left.

    “Where are we going?”

    “Don’t worry. You’ll see.”

    He wasn’t in the mood to chat. So I figured this must be something important. My curiosity grew with every minute, but I kept it in check. I focused on the street lamps, the signs, the numbers as we drove rapidly down the long street. I always get lost in London, day or night. It was quite chilly, almost bleak. People leaned against the gusty winds as if it were deep winter. The crowds thinned out and the noise faded into the background. The sky was cloudy and ominous. We kept driving and driving, and I started to wonder if we would ever stop. Finally, we passed a wide bridge and a large building, then entered a gateway, went through a kind of tunnel, and stopped in a courtyard surrounded by the dark outlines of a massive structure. We got out, walked about a dozen steps, and waited. Soon, we heard footsteps and a man appeared from the darkness, and we quietly followed behind him. He led us under a stone archway, into a spacious tunnel, through a tall iron gate, which he locked behind us. We followed him down the tunnel, guided more by the sound of his footsteps on the stone floor than by what we could see clearly. At the end of it, we reached another iron gate, and our guide stopped there to light a lantern. Then he unlocked the gate; I only wished he had oiled it first because it creaked dreadfully. The gate swung open and we stood at the threshold of what looked like an endless domed and pillared cavern, carved from the solid darkness. The guide and my friend took off their hats respectfully, and I did the same. In that moment of stillness, there was no sound, and the quietness added to the solemnity of the darkness. I looked to ask him what this place was.

    “It’s the tomb of the great dead of England — Westminster Abbey.”...

    We were among the tombs; on every side, dull shapes of men, seated, standing, or stooping, stared at us out of the shadows — reaching out their hands toward us — some pleading, some beckoning, some warning us away. They were effigies — statues above the graves; but they looked human and lifelike in the dim shadows. A little half-grown black and white cat squeezed through the bars of the iron gate and came purring around us affectionately, unfazed by the time or the place, unbothered by the marble grandeur that marked the line of mighty dead stretching from a great author of yesterday back to a sceptered monarch over twelve hundred years ago....

    Mr. Wright shined his lantern on one object after another, keeping up a commentary that showed how nothing about the venerable Abbey was too trivial or uninteresting in his eyes. He is a man in authority, being the superintendent, and his daily work keeps him familiar with every nook and cranny of the vast building. He would cast a bright light here and there and say:

    “Notice the height of the Abbey — one hundred and three feet to the base of the roof; I measured it myself recently. Look at the base of this column — very old — hundreds of years old — and see how well they knew how to build back then! All the stones are laid flat, just as nature formed them in the quarry, not on edge; nowadays, some people put them on edge and wonder why they crack and flake. Architects can’t outsmart nature. Let me move this matting — it’s here to protect the pavement; now here’s a piece of pavement that’s seven hundred years old; you can see by these scattered clusters of colored mosaics how beautiful it was before time and careless visitors damaged it. Look here, in the border, was an inscription once — see, follow the circle — you can trace it by the missing ornaments — here’s an A and there’s an O, and there’s another A — all beautiful Old English letters; no one knows what the inscription was — no record remains now. Now move along this way, please. There’s the monument of old King Sebert the Saxon; it’s the oldest in the Abbey; Sebert died in 616 — [Clemens possibly misunderstood the name. It was Ethelbert who died in 616. The name Sebert does not appear in any accessible Saxon records.] — and that’s as far back as twelve hundred and fifty years ago — think of it! Twelve hundred and fifty years! And over there is the last one — Charles Dickens — right there on the floor, with brass letters on the slab — and to this day people come and put flowers on it... There’s Garrick’s monument, and Addison’s, and Thackeray’s bust — and Macaulay lies there. Close to Dickens and Garrick rest Sheridan and Dr. Johnson — and here’s old Parr....

    “That stone covers Campbell the poet. Here are names you know well — Milton, and Gray who wrote the Elegy, and Butler who wrote Hudibras; and Edmund Spenser, and Ben Jonson — there are three plaques for him scattered throughout the Abbey, all with ‘O, Rare Ben Jonson’ inscribed on them. You just stood on one of them; he’s buried vertically. There used to be a tradition here explaining it. The story goes that he didn’t dare ask for a burial in the Abbey, so he asked King James if he could have eighteen inches of English ground, and the King said ‘yes,’ and asked him where he’d want it, and he said in Westminster Abbey. Well, the King kept his word, and there he is, standing up for sure.”

The reader may regret that there are not more of these entries, and that the book itself was never written. Just when he gave up the project is not recorded. He was urged to lecture in London, but declined. To Mrs. Clemens, in September, he wrote:

The reader might wish there were more of these entries and that the book was actually completed. It's not noted when he abandoned the project. He was invited to give a lecture in London but turned it down. To Mrs. Clemens, in September, he wrote:

Everybody says lecture, lecture, lecture, but I have not the least idea of doing it; certainly not at present. Mr. Dolby, who took Dickens to America, is coming to talk business tomorrow, though I have sent him word once before that I can't be hired to talk here; because I have no time to spare. There is too much sociability; I do not get along fast enough with work.

Everybody keeps saying lecture, lecture, lecture, but I have no intention of doing that; definitely not right now. Mr. Dolby, who brought Dickens to America, is coming to discuss business tomorrow, even though I’ve already told him before that I can’t be hired to speak here because I don’t have time to waste. There’s too much socializing; I can’t keep up with my work.

In October he declared that he was very homesick, and proposed that Mrs. Clemens and Susie join him at once in London, unless she would prefer to have him come home for the winter and all of them return to London in the spring. So it is likely that the book was not then abandoned. He felt that his visit was by no means ended; that it was, in fact, only just begun, but he wanted the ones he loved most to share it with him. To his mother and sister, in November, he wrote:

In October, he said he was really homesick and suggested that Mrs. Clemens and Susie come join him in London right away, unless she'd rather have him come home for the winter and then they could all go back to London in the spring. So it's likely that he hadn't given up on the book at that point. He felt that his visit wasn't over at all; in fact, it was just starting, but he wanted his loved ones to experience it with him. In November, he wrote to his mother and sister:

I came here to take notes for a book, but I haven't done much but attend dinners and make speeches. I have had a jolly good time, and I do hate to go away from these English folks; they make a stranger feel entirely at home, and they laugh so easily that it is a comfort to make after-dinner speeches here. I have made hundreds of friends; and last night, in the crush at the opening of the new Guild Hall Library and Museum, I was surprised to meet a familiar face every other step.

I came here to take notes for a book, but I haven’t done much except attend dinners and give speeches. I’ve had a great time, and I really hate to leave these English folks; they make a stranger feel completely at home, and they laugh so easily that making after-dinner speeches here is a pleasure. I've made hundreds of friends; and last night, in the crowd at the opening of the new Guild Hall Library and Museum, I was shocked to see a familiar face with every other step.

All his impressions of England had been happy ones. He could deliver a gentle satire now and then at certain British institutions—certain London localities and features—as in his speech at the Savage Club,—[September 28, 1872. This is probably the most characteristic speech made by Mark Twain during his first London visit; the reader will find it in full in Appendix L, at the end of last volume.]—but taking the snug island as a whole, its people, its institutions, its fair, rural aspects, he had found in it only delight. To Mrs. Crane he wrote:

All his impressions of England were positive. He could throw in some light-hearted satire now and then about certain British institutions—specific places and features in London—as he did in his speech at the Savage Club,—[September 28, 1872. This is probably the most characteristic speech made by Mark Twain during his first London visit; the reader will find it in full in Appendix L, at the end of the last volume.]—but overall, he saw the cozy island and its people, institutions, and beautiful countryside as nothing short of wonderful. He wrote to Mrs. Crane:

    If you and Theodore will come over in the spring with Livy and me,
    and spend the summer, you shall see a country that is so beautiful
    that you will be obliged to believe in fairy-land. There is nothing
    like it elsewhere on the globe. You should have a season ticket and
    travel up and down every day between London and Oxford and worship
    nature.

    And Theodore can browse with me among dusty old dens that look now
    as they looked five hundred years ago; and puzzle over books in the
    British Museum that were made before Christ was born; and in the
    customs of their public dinners, and the ceremonies of every
    official act, and the dresses of a thousand dignitaries, trace the
    speech and manners of all the centuries that have dragged their
    lagging decades over England since the Heptarchy fell asunder. I
    would a good deal rather live here if I could get the rest of you
    over.
If you and Theodore come over in the spring with Livy and me and spend the summer, you’ll see a country so beautiful that you’ll have to believe in fairy-tale lands. There's nothing like it anywhere else on the planet. You should get a season ticket and travel back and forth every day between London and Oxford, enjoying nature.

And Theodore can join me in exploring dusty old places that look just like they did five hundred years ago; and he can puzzle over books in the British Museum that were created before Christ was born; and in the customs of their public dinners, the ceremonies for every official act, and the outfits of a thousand dignitaries, trace the speech and manners from all the centuries that have dragged by in England since the Heptarchy fell apart. I would much rather live here if I could get the rest of you over.

He sailed November 12th, on the Batavia, loaded with Christmas presents for everybody; jewelry, furs, laces; also a practical steam-engine for his namesake, Sam Moffett. Half-way across the Atlantic the Batavia ran into a hurricane and was badly damaged by heavy seas, and driven far out of her course. It was a lucky event on the whole, for she fell in with a water-logged lumber bark, a complete wreck, with nine surviving sailors clinging to her rigging. In the midst of the wild gale a lifeboat was launched and the perishing men were rescued. Clemens prepared a graphic report of the matter for the Royal Humane Society, asking that medals be conferred upon the brave rescuers, a document that was signed by his fellow-passengers and obtained for the men complete recognition and wide celebrity. Closing, the writer said:

He set sail on November 12th on the Batavia, which was filled with Christmas gifts for everyone: jewelry, furs, and lace; plus a practical steam engine for his namesake, Sam Moffett. Halfway across the Atlantic, the Batavia hit a hurricane and suffered serious damage from the rough seas, getting thrown way off course. Ultimately, it turned out to be a fortunate event because they encountered a waterlogged lumber ship that was a total wreck, with nine survivors clinging to its rigging. Despite the fierce storm, a lifeboat was launched, and the stranded men were rescued. Clemens wrote a detailed report for the Royal Humane Society, requesting that medals be awarded to the brave rescuers. The document was signed by his fellow passengers and led to full recognition and widespread acclaim for the men. In conclusion, the writer stated:

    As might have been anticipated, if I have been of any service toward
    rescuing these nine shipwrecked human beings by standing around the
    deck in a furious storm, without an umbrella, keeping an eye on
    things and seeing that they were done right, and yelling whenever a
    cheer seemed to be the important thing, I am glad and I am
    satisfied. I ask no reward. I would do it again under the same
    circumstances. But what I do plead for, earnestly and sincerely, is
    that the Royal Humane Society will remember our captain and our
    life-boat crew, and in so remembering them increase the high honor
    and esteem in which the society is held all over the civilized
    world.
    As you could expect, if I've helped in any way to rescue these nine shipwrecked people by standing on the deck during a fierce storm, without an umbrella, keeping an eye on things and making sure everything was done correctly, and shouting whenever a cheer was needed, I'm glad and I feel satisfied. I don’t want any reward. I would do it again in the same situation. But what I really hope for, earnestly and sincerely, is that the Royal Humane Society will remember our captain and our lifeboat crew, and by doing so, enhance the high honor and respect the society has all over the civilized world.

The Batavia reached New York November 26, 1872. Mark Twain had been absent three months, during which he had been brought to at least a partial realization of what his work meant to him and to mankind.

The Batavia arrived in New York on November 26, 1872. Mark Twain had been gone for three months, during which he had come to at least a partial understanding of what his work meant to him and to humanity.

An election had taken place during his absence—an election which gratified him deeply, for it had resulted in the second presidency of General Grant and in the defeat of Horace Greeley, whom he admired perhaps, but not as presidential material. To Thomas Nast, who had aided very effectually in Mr. Greeley's overwhelming defeat, Clemens wrote:

An election happened while he was away—an election that made him very happy, as it resulted in General Grant becoming president again and Horace Greeley losing, someone he admired but didn't see as fit for the presidency. To Thomas Nast, who had played a significant role in Greeley's crushing defeat, Clemens wrote:

Nast, you more than any other man have won a prodigious victory for Grant—I mean, rather, for civilization and progress. Those pictures were simply marvelous, and if any man in the land has a right to hold his head up and be honestly proud of his share in this year's vast events that man is unquestionably yourself. We all do sincerely honor you, and are proud of you.

Nast, more than anyone else, you’ve achieved an incredible victory for Grant—I mean, for civilization and progress. Those images were just amazing, and if anyone in the country has the right to hold their head high and be genuinely proud of their part in this year's monumental events, it's definitely you. We all truly respect you and take pride in you.

Horace Greeley's peculiar abilities and eccentricities won celebrity for him, rather than voters. Mark Twain once said of him:

Horace Greeley's unique talents and quirks made him famous, but not necessarily popular with voters. Mark Twain once remarked about him:

“He was a great man, an honest man, and served his, country well and was an honor to it. Also, he was a good-natured man, but abrupt with strangers if they annoyed him when he was busy. He was profane, but that is nothing; the best of us is that. I did not know him well, but only just casually, and by accident. I never met him but once. I called on him in the Tribune office, but I was not intending to. I was looking for Whitelaw Reid, and got into the wrong den. He was alone at his desk, writing, and we conversed—not long, but just a little. I asked him if he was well, and he said, 'What the hell do you want?' Well, I couldn't remember what I wanted, so I said I would call again. But I didn't.”

“He was a great man, an honest man, who served his country well and brought it honor. He was also good-natured, but could be abrupt with strangers if they annoyed him when he was busy. He had a foul mouth, but that’s nothing; we all have our moments. I didn’t know him well, just casually and by chance. I only met him once. I visited him at the Tribune office, though it wasn’t my intention. I was looking for Whitelaw Reid and ended up in the wrong place. He was alone at his desk, writing, and we talked—not for long, just a bit. I asked him if he was doing well, and he replied, ‘What the hell do you want?’ I couldn’t remember what I needed, so I said I’d come back another time. But I never did.”

Clemens did not always tell the incident just in this way. Sometimes it was John Hay he was looking for instead of Reid, and the conversation with Greeley varied; but perhaps there was a germ of history under it somewhere, and at any rate it could have happened well enough, and not have been out of character with either of the men.

Clemens didn’t always describe the incident this way. Sometimes he was looking for John Hay instead of Reid, and his conversations with Greeley changed; but there might have been a bit of truth in there somewhere, and either way, it could have easily happened and wouldn't have been out of character for either man.





LXXXVIII. “THE GILDED AGE”

Mark Twain did not go on the lecture circuit that winter. Redpath had besought him as usual, and even in midsummer had written:

Mark Twain didn't go on the lecture circuit that winter. Redpath had asked him as usual, and even in the middle of summer had written:

“Will you? Won't you? We have seven thousand to eight thousand dollars in engagements recorded for you,” and he named a list of towns ranging geographically from Boston to St. Paul.

“Will you? Won't you? We have $7,000 to $8,000 in bookings lined up for you,” and he listed a range of towns from Boston to St. Paul.

But Clemens had no intention then of ever lecturing any more, and again in November, from London, he announced (to Redpath):

But Clemens had no intention of ever giving another lecture, and again in November, from London, he announced (to Redpath):

“When I yell again for less than $500 I'll be pretty hungry, but I haven't any intention of yelling at any price.”

“When I shout again for less than $500, I'll be pretty hungry, but I have no intention of shouting at any price.”

Redpath pursued him, and in January proposed $400 for a single night in Philadelphia, but without result. He did lecture two nights in Steinway Hall for the Mercantile Library Association, on the basis of half profits, netting $1,300 for the two nights as his share; and he lectured one night in Hartford, at a profit Of $1,500, for charity. Father Hawley, of Hartford, had announced that his missionary work was suffering for lack of funds. Some of his people were actually without food, he said, their children crying with hunger. No one ever responded to an appeal like that quicker than Samuel Clemens. He offered to deliver a lecture free, and to bear an equal proportion of whatever expenses were incurred by the committee of eight who agreed to join in forwarding the project. He gave the Sandwich Island lecture, and at the close of it a large card was handed him with the figures of the receipts printed upon it. It was held up to view, and the house broke into a storm of cheers.

Redpath tracked him down, and in January, offered $400 for a single night in Philadelphia, but it didn’t work out. He did give two lectures at Steinway Hall for the Mercantile Library Association, sharing the profits, which netted him $1,300 for those two nights. He also lectured one night in Hartford, making a profit of $1,500 for charity. Father Hawley from Hartford announced that his missionary work was struggling due to a lack of funds. He said some of his people were actually going without food, their children crying from hunger. No one responded to a plea like that quicker than Samuel Clemens. He volunteered to give a lecture for free and cover half of any expenses incurred by the committee of eight who agreed to support the project. He delivered the Sandwich Island lecture, and at the end, a large card was handed to him displaying the total receipts. It was shown to the audience, and they erupted into cheers.

He did very little writing during the early weeks following his return. Early in the year (January 3 and 6, 1873) he contributed two Sandwich Island letters to the Tribune, in which, in his own peculiar fashion, he urged annexation.

He did very little writing during the first few weeks after he got back. Early in the year (January 3 and 6, 1873), he contributed two letters about the Sandwich Islands to the Tribune, in which he pushed for annexation in his own unique way.

“We must annex those people,” he declared, and proceeded to specify the blessings we could give them, such as “leather-headed juries, the insanity law, and the Tweed Ring.”

“We need to bring those people into our fold,” he stated, and went on to list the advantages we could provide them, like “biased juries, the insanity defense, and the Tweed Ring.”

    We can confer Woodhull and Clafin on them, and George Francis Train.
    We can give them lecturers! I will go myself.

    We can make that little bunch of sleepy islands the hottest corner
    on earth, and array it in the moral splendor of our high and holy
    civilization. Annexation is what the poor islanders need!

    “Shall we, to men benighted, the lamp of life deny?”
 
    We can send Woodhull and Clafin to them, along with George Francis Train.
    We can provide them with speakers! I'll go myself.

    We can transform that small cluster of sleepy islands into the hottest spot on earth, showcasing the moral brilliance of our advanced and noble civilization. Annexation is exactly what the struggling islanders need!

    “Should we deny the lamp of life to those who are in the dark?”

His success in England became an incentive to certain American institutions to recognize his gifts at home. Early in the year he was dined as the guest of the Lotos Club of New York, and a week or two later elected to its membership. This was but a beginning. Some new membership or honor was offered every little while, and so many banquets that he finally invented a set form for declining them. He was not yet recognized as the foremost American man of letters, but undoubtedly he had become the most popular; and Edwin Whipple, writing at this time, or but little later, said:

His success in England inspired some American institutions to acknowledge his talents at home. Early in the year, he was honored with a dinner as the guest of the Lotos Club in New York, and a week or two later, he was elected to join its ranks. This was just the start. New memberships and honors seemed to come his way constantly, along with numerous banquets, prompting him to create a standard response for declining invitations. Although he wasn't yet recognized as the leading American man of letters, he had undoubtedly become the most popular, and Edwin Whipple, writing around this time or shortly after, remarked:

“Mark Twain is regarded chiefly as a humorist, but the exercise of his real talents would rank him with the ablest of our authors in the past fifty years.” So he was beginning to be “discovered” in high places.

“Mark Twain is mostly seen as a humorist, but if we look at his true talents, he would stand alongside the most skilled authors of the past fifty years.” So he was starting to be “discovered” by influential people.

It was during this winter that the Clemens household enjoyed its first real home life in Hartford, its first real home life anywhere since those earliest days of marriage. The Hooker mansion was a comfortable place. The little family had comparatively good health. Their old friends were stanch and lavishly warm-hearted, and they had added many new ones. Their fireside was a delightful nucleus around which gathered those they cared for most, the Twichells, the Warner families, the Trumbulls—all certain of a welcome there. George Warner, only a little while ago, remembering, said:

It was during this winter that the Clemens family experienced its first true home life in Hartford, the first real home life anywhere since the early days of their marriage. The Hooker mansion was a cozy place. The little family enjoyed relatively good health. Their old friends were loyal and incredibly generous, and they had made many new ones. Their fireside was a lovely gathering spot for their closest friends, the Twichells, the Warner families, the Trumbulls—all assured of a warm welcome there. George Warner, not long ago, recalled:

“The Clemens house was the only one I have ever known where there was never any preoccupation in the evenings, and where visitors were always welcome. Clemens was the best kind of a host; his evenings after dinner were an unending flow of stories.”

“The Clemens house was the only one I’ve ever known where there was never any stress in the evenings, and where guests were always welcome. Clemens was the kind of host you’d want; his evenings after dinner were filled with an endless stream of stories.”

Friends living near by usually came and went at will, often without the ceremony of knocking or formal leave-taking. They were more like one great family in that neighborhood, with a community of interests, a unity of ideals. The Warner families and the Clemenses were particularly intimate, and out of their association grew Mark Twain's next important literary undertaking, his collaboration with Charles Dudley Warner in 'The Gilded Age'.

Friends living nearby would often come and go as they pleased, frequently without the formality of knocking or saying goodbye. They were more like one big family in that neighborhood, sharing common interests and ideas. The Warner families and the Clemenses were especially close, and from their friendship emerged Mark Twain's next significant literary project, his collaboration with Charles Dudley Warner on 'The Gilded Age'.

A number of more or less absurd stories have been printed about the origin of this book. It was a very simple matter, a perfectly natural development.

A number of somewhat ridiculous stories have been published about how this book came to be. It was actually a very straightforward situation, a completely natural progression.

At the dinner-table one night, with the Warners present, criticisms of recent novels were offered, with the usual freedom and severity of dinner-table talk. The husbands were inclined to treat rather lightly the novels in which their wives were finding entertainment. The wives naturally retorted that the proper thing for the husbands to do was to furnish the American people with better ones. This was regarded in the nature of a challenge, and as such was accepted—mutually accepted: that is to say, in partnership. On the spur of the moment Clemens and Warner agreed that they would do a novel together, that they would begin it immediately. This is the whole story of the book's origin; so far, at least, as the collaboration is concerned. Clemens, in fact, had the beginning of a story in his mind, but had been unwilling to undertake an extended work of fiction alone. He welcomed only too eagerly, therefore, the proposition of joint authorship. His purpose was to write a tale around that lovable character of his youth, his mother's cousin, James Lampton—to let that gentle visionary stand as the central figure against a proper background. The idea appealed to Warner, and there was no delay in the beginning. Clemens immediately set to work and completed 399 pages of the manuscript, the first eleven chapters of the book, before the early flush of enthusiasm waned.

One night at the dinner table, with the Warners present, people started critiquing some recent novels, typical of casual dinner conversation. The husbands were likely to downplay the books their wives were enjoying. The wives shot back, insisting that the husbands should provide better options for the American public. This was seen as a challenge, and it was accepted—mutually accepted, meaning they would partner up. On the spot, Clemens and Warner decided to co-write a novel and would start right away. That's the full story of how the book came to be, at least regarding their collaboration. Clemens actually had the idea for a story already in mind but was hesitant to tackle a big fiction project on his own. So, he was more than happy to take on this joint effort. He intended to craft a story around that charming figure from his childhood, his mother’s cousin, James Lampton, and to showcase that gentle dreamer as the central character within a fitting backdrop. Warner liked the idea, and they wasted no time getting started. Clemens jumped right in and finished 399 pages of the manuscript, which included the first eleven chapters, before the initial excitement started to fade.

Warner came over then, and Clemens read it aloud to him. Warner had some plans for the story, and took it up at this point, and continued it through the next twelve chapters; and so they worked alternately, “in the superstition,” as Mark Twain long afterward declared, “that we were writing one coherent yarn, when I suppose, as a matter of fact, we were writing two incoherent ones.”—[The reader may be interested in the division of labor. Clemens wrote chapters I to XI; also chapters XXIV, XXV, XXVII, XXVIII, XXX, XXXII, XXXIII, XXXIV, XXXVI, XXXVII, XLII, XLIII, XLV, LI, LII, LIII, LVII, LIX, LX, LXI, LXII, and portions of chapters XXXV, XLIX, LVI. Warner wrote chapters XII to XXIII; also chapters XXVI, XXIX, XXXI, XXXVIII, XXXIX, XL, XLI, XLIV, XLVI, XLVII, XLVIII, L, LIV, LV, LVIII, LXIII, and portions of chapters XXXV, XLIX, and LVI. The work was therefore very evenly divided.

Warner came over then, and Clemens read it aloud to him. Warner had some ideas for the story, and picked it up from this point, continuing through the next twelve chapters; they worked alternately, “in the superstition,” as Mark Twain later stated, “that we were writing one cohesive story, when I guess, in reality, we were writing two disjointed ones.” —[The reader may be interested in the division of labor. Clemens wrote chapters I to XI; also chapters XXIV, XXV, XXVII, XXVIII, XXX, XXXII, XXXIII, XXXIV, XXXVI, XXXVII, XLII, XLIII, XLV, LI, LII, LIII, LVII, LIX, LX, LXI, LXII, and portions of chapters XXXV, XLIX, LVI. Warner wrote chapters XII to XXIII; also chapters XXVI, XXIX, XXXI, XXXVIII, XXXIX, XL, XLI, XLIV, XLVI, XLVII, XLVIII, L, LIV, LV, LVIII, LXIII, and portions of chapters XXXV, XLIX, and LVI. The work was therefore very evenly divided.

There was another co-worker on The Gilded Age before the book was finally completed. This was J. Hammond Trumbull, who prepared the variegated, marvelous cryptographic chapter headings: Trumbull was the most learned man that ever lived in Hartford. He was familiar with all literary and scientific data, and according to Clemens could swear in twenty-seven languages. It was thought to be a choice idea to get Trumbull to supply a lingual medley of quotations to precede the chapters in the new book, the purpose being to excite interest and possibly to amuse the reader—a purpose which to some extent appears to have miscarried.]

There was another co-worker on The Gilded Age before the book was finally completed. This was J. Hammond Trumbull, who created the colorful, amazing chapter headings. Trumbull was the smartest person who ever lived in Hartford. He was well-versed in all types of literary and scientific knowledge, and according to Clemens, he could swear in twenty-seven languages. It was considered a good idea to have Trumbull provide a mix of quotes to introduce the chapters in the new book, aiming to pique interest and maybe entertain the reader—a goal that seems to have somewhat missed the mark.

The book was begun in February and finished in April, so the work did not lag. The result, if not highly artistic, made astonishingly good reading. Warner had the touch of romance, Clemens, the gift of creating, or at least of portraying, human realities. Most of his characters reflected intimate personalities of his early life. Besides the apotheosis of James Lampton into the immortal Sellers, Orion became Washington Hawkins, Squire Clemens the judge, while Mark Twain's own personality, in a greater or lesser degree, is reflected in most of his creations. As for the Tennessee land, so long a will-o'the-wisp and a bugbear, it became tangible property at last. Only a year or two before Clemens had written to Orion:

The book was started in February and wrapped up in April, so the work moved quickly. The outcome, if not extremely artistic, was surprisingly enjoyable to read. Warner brought the romance, while Clemens had a knack for creating—or at least representing—genuine human experiences. Most of his characters mirrored real personalities from his early life. In addition to turning James Lampton into the unforgettable Sellers, Orion became Washington Hawkins, Squire Clemens took on the role of the judge, and Mark Twain's own character is echoed, to varying degrees, in most of his creations. As for the Tennessee land, which had long been elusive and troublesome, it finally became a real asset. Just a year or two earlier, Clemens had written to Orion:

    Oh, here! I don't want to be consulted at all about Tennessee. I
    don't want it even mentioned to me. When I make a suggestion it is
    for you to act upon it or throw it aside, but I beseech you never to
    ask my advice, opinion, or consent about that hated property.
    Oh, look! I really don’t want to be asked about Tennessee at all. I’d rather it not even come up. When I make a suggestion, it’s for you to decide to follow it or ignore it, but I’m begging you, please never ask for my advice, opinion, or approval about that unwanted property.

But it came in good play now. It is the important theme of the story.

But it turned out to be useful now. It is the key theme of the story.

Mark Twain was well qualified to construct his share of the tale. He knew his characters, their lives, and their atmospheres perfectly. Senator Dilworthy (otherwise Senator Pomeroy, of Kansas, then notorious for attempted vote-buying) was familiar enough. That winter in Washington had acquainted Clemens with the life there, its political intrigues, and the disrepute of Congress. Warner was equally well qualified for his share of the undertaking, and the chief criticism that one may offer is the one stated by Clemens himself—that the divisions of the tale remain divisions rather than unity.

Mark Twain was well-suited to write his part of the story. He understood his characters, their lives, and their environments perfectly. Senator Dilworthy (also known as Senator Pomeroy from Kansas, who was infamous at the time for attempting to buy votes) was someone he was familiar with. That winter in Washington had introduced Clemens to the life there, its political intrigues, and the bad reputation of Congress. Warner was equally capable of handling his part of the project, and the main criticism one might have is the one Clemens himself pointed out—that the sections of the story feel more like separate pieces rather than a cohesive whole.

As for the story itself—the romance and tragedy of it—the character of Laura in the hands of either author is one not easy to forget. Whether this means that the work is well done, or only strikingly done, the reader himself must judge. Morally, the character is not justified. Laura was a victim of circumstance from the beginning. There could be no poetic justice in her doom. To drag her out of a steamer wreck, only to make her the victim of a scoundrel, later an adventuress, and finally a murderess, all may be good art, but of a very bad kind. Laura is a sort of American Becky Sharp; but there is retributive justice in Becky's fate, whereas Laura's doom is warranted only by the author's whim. As for her end, whatever the virtuous public of that day might have done, a present-day audience would not have pelted her from the stage, destroyed her future, taken away her life.

As for the story itself—the romance and tragedy of it—the character of Laura, whether portrayed by either author, is hard to forget. It’s up to the reader to decide if that means the work is well done or just striking. Morally, her character isn't justified. Laura was a victim of circumstances from the start. There’s no poetic justice in her fate. Saving her from a shipwreck, only to let her become a victim of a con man, then an adventuress, and finally a murderer, might be good storytelling, but it's a very problematic kind. Laura is like an American Becky Sharp; however, there’s a sense of retributive justice in Becky’s fate, while Laura’s end seems to be based solely on the author's whims. As for her conclusion, whatever the moral audience of that time might have done, today's viewers would not have chased her off the stage, ruined her future, or taken her life.

The authors regarded their work highly when it was finished, but that is nothing. Any author regards his work highly at the moment of its completion. In later years neither of them thought very well of their production; but that also is nothing. The author seldom cares very deeply for his offspring once it is turned over to the public charge. The fact that the story is still popular, still delights thousands of readers, when a myriad of novels that have been written since it was completed have lived their little day and died so utterly that even their names have passed out of memory, is the best verdict as to its worth.

The authors were proud of their work when they finished it, but that's pretty common. Every author feels good about their work at the moment it's done. In the years that followed, neither of them thought much of what they had created; but that's not unusual either. Authors rarely stay attached to their work once it’s out in the world. The fact that the story is still popular and continues to bring joy to thousands of readers, while countless novels written since it came out have faded into obscurity and are forgotten, is the best proof of its value.





LXXXIX. PLANNING A NEW HOME

Clemens and his wife bought a lot for the new home that winter, a fine, sightly piece of land on Farmington Avenue—table-land, sloping down to a pretty stream that wound through the willows and among the trees. They were as delighted as children with their new purchase and the prospect of building. To her sister Mrs. Clemens wrote:

Clemens and his wife bought a plot for their new home that winter, a beautiful piece of land on Farmington Avenue—flat land that sloped down to a lovely stream winding through the willows and trees. They were as excited as kids about their new purchase and the chance to build. Mrs. Clemens wrote to her sister:

    Mr. Clemens seems to glory in his sense of possession; he goes daily
    into the lot, has had several falls trying to lay off the land by
    sliding around on his feet....

    For three days the ice has covered the trees, and they have been
    glorious. We could do nothing but watch the beauty outside; if you
    looked at the trees as the sun struck them, with your back toward
    the sun, they were covered with jewels. If you looked toward the
    sun it was all crystal whiteness, a perfect fairy-land. Then the
    nights were moonlight, and that was a great beauty, the moon giving
    us the same prismatic effect.
    Mr. Clemens seems to take pleasure in his sense of ownership; he goes out to the lot every day and has fallen several times while trying to measure the land by sliding around on his feet....

    For three days, the ice has coated the trees, and they have looked stunning. We could do nothing but admire the beauty outside; if you looked at the trees with your back to the sun, as the sunlight hit them, they sparkled like jewels. If you faced the sun, everything was a bright, crystalline white, like a perfect fairy-tale world. Then the nights were lit by moonlight, and that was a wonderful sight, with the moon creating the same prismatic effect.

This was the storm of which Mark Twain wrote his matchless description, given first in his speech on New England weather, and later preserved in 'Following the Equator', in more extended form. In that book he likens an ice-storm to his impressions derived from reading descriptions of the Taj Mahal, that wonderful tomb of a fair East Indian queen. It is a marvelous bit of word-painting—his description of that majestic vision: “When every bough and twig is strung with ice-beads, frozen dewdrops, and the whole tree sparkles cold and white, like the Shah of Persia's diamond plume.” It will pay any one to look up that description and read it all, though it has been said, by the fortunate one or two who heard him first give it utterance as an impromptu outburst, that in the subsequent process of writing the bloom of its original magnificence was lost.

This was the storm that Mark Twain described so beautifully, first in his speech about New England weather, and later in more detail in 'Following the Equator.' In that book, he compares an ice storm to his impressions from reading descriptions of the Taj Mahal, the stunning tomb of a beautiful East Indian queen. It’s an incredible piece of writing—his description of that majestic sight: “When every branch and twig is adorned with ice beads, frozen dew drops, and the whole tree sparkles cold and white, like the Shah of Persia's diamond plume.” It's worth anyone’s time to find that description and read it all, even though those lucky enough to hear him deliver it spontaneously have said that the writing process took away some of its original brilliance.

The plans for the new house were drawn forthwith by that gentle architect Edward Potter, whose art to-day may be considered open to criticism, but not because of any lack of originality. Hartford houses of that period were mainly of the goods-box form of architecture, perfectly square, typifying the commercial pursuits of many of their owners. Potter agreed to get away from this idea, and a radical and even frenzied departure was the result. Certainly his plans presented beautiful pictures, and all who saw them were filled with wonder and delight. Architecture has lavished itself in many florescent forms since then, but we may imagine that Potter's “English violet” order of design, as he himself designated it, startled, dazzled, and captivated in a day, when most houses were mere habitations, built with a view to economy and the largest possible amount of room.

The plans for the new house were created right away by the gentle architect Edward Potter, whose work today might be open to criticism, but not due to a lack of originality. Houses in Hartford during that time were mostly boxy in shape, perfectly square, reflecting the commercial interests of many of their owners. Potter decided to move away from this idea, resulting in a radical and even wildly different design. His plans certainly presented beautiful images, and everyone who saw them was filled with wonder and joy. Architecture has explored many vibrant styles since then, but we can imagine that Potter's "English violet" style, as he called it, amazed, dazzled, and captivated people at a time when most houses were just basic shelters built for affordability and maximum space.

Workmen were put on the ground without delay, to prepare for the builders, and work was rapidly pushed along. Then in May the whole matter was left in the hands of the architect and the carpenters (with Lawyer Charles E. Perkins to stand between Potter and the violent builder, who roared at Potter and frightened him when he wanted changes), while the Clemens household, with Clara Spaulding, a girlhood friend of Mrs. Clemens, sailed away to England for a half-year holiday.

Workmen got to work immediately to get everything ready for the builders, and progress was made quickly. Then in May, the entire situation was handed over to the architect and the carpenters (with Lawyer Charles E. Perkins acting as a buffer between Potter and the aggressive builder, who shouted at Potter and intimidated him when he requested changes), while the Clemens family, along with Clara Spaulding, a childhood friend of Mrs. Clemens, set sail for England for a six-month vacation.





XC. A LONG ENGLISH HOLIDAY

They sailed on the Batavia, and with them went a young man named Thompson, a theological student whom Clemens had consented to take as an amanuensis. There is a pathetic incident connected with this young man, and it may as well be set down here. Clemens found, a few weeks after his arrival in England, that so great was the tax upon his time that he could make no use of Thompson's services. He gave Thompson fifty dollars, and upon the possibility of the young man's desiring to return to America, advanced him another fifty dollars, saying that he could return it some day, and never thought of it again. But the young man remembered it, and one day, thirty-six years later, after a life of hardship and struggle, such as the life of a country minister is apt to be, he wrote and inclosed a money-order, a payment on his debt. That letter and its inclosure brought only sorrow to Mark Twain. He felt that it laid upon him the accumulated burden of the weary thirty-six years' struggle with ill-fortune. He returned the money, of course, and in a biographical note commented:

They sailed on the Batavia, and with them was a young man named Thompson, a theology student whom Clemens had agreed to take on as a secretary. There's a touching story related to this young man, and it might as well be mentioned here. A few weeks after arriving in England, Clemens realized that his time was so taxed that he couldn't make use of Thompson's help. He gave Thompson fifty dollars, and anticipating that the young man might want to return to America, he advanced him another fifty dollars, saying he could pay it back someday, and never thought of it again. But the young man remembered, and one day, thirty-six years later, after a life filled with hardship and struggle typical of a country minister, he wrote and included a money order as a repayment of his debt. That letter and its enclosure brought only sorrow to Mark Twain. He felt it weighed him down with the cumulative burden of thirty-six years of battling misfortune. He returned the money, of course, and in a biographical note commented:

    How pale painted heroisms of romance look beside it! Thompson's
    heroism, which is real, which is colossal, which is sublime, and
    which is costly beyond all estimate, is achieved in profound
    obscurity, and its hero walks in rags to the end of his days. I had
    forgotten Thompson completely, but he flashes before me as vividly
    as lightning. I can see him now. It was on the deck of the
    Batavia, in the dock. The ship was casting off, with that hubbub
    and confusion and rushing of sailors, and shouting of orders and
    shrieking of boatswain whistles, which marked the departure
    preparations in those days—an impressive contrast with the solemn
    silence which marks the departure preparations of the giant ships of
    the present day. Mrs. Clemens, Clara Spaulding, little Susy, and
    the nurse-maid were all properly garbed for the occasion. We all
    had on our storm-rig, heavy clothes of somber hue, but new and
    designed and constructed for the purpose, strictly in accordance
    with sea-going etiquette; anything wearable on land being distinctly
    and odiously out of the question.

    Very well. On that deck, and gliding placidly among those honorable
    and properly upholstered groups, appeared Thompson, young, grave,
    long, slim, with an aged fuzzy plug hat towering high on the upper
    end of him and followed by a gray duster, which flowed down, without
    break or wrinkle, to his ankles. He came straight to us, and shook
    hands and compromised us. Everybody could see that we knew him. A
    nigger in heaven could not have created a profounder astonishment.

    However, Thompson didn't know that anything was happening. He had
    no prejudices about clothes. I can still see him as he looked when
    we passed Sandy Hook and the winds of the big ocean smote us.
    Erect, lofty, and grand he stood facing the blast, holding his plug
    on with both hands and his generous duster blowing out behind, level
    with his neck. There were scoffers observing, but he didn't know
    it; he wasn't disturbed.

    In my mind, I see him once afterward, clothed as before, taking me
    down in shorthand. The Shah of Persia had come to England and Dr.
    Hosmer, of the Herald, had sent me to Ostend, to view his Majesty's
    progress across the Channel and write an account of it. I can't
    recall Thompson after that, and I wish his memory had been as poor
    as mine.
How pale the painted heroics of romance seem next to this! Thompson's heroism, which is genuine, monumental, sublime, and priceless, is achieved in deep obscurity, and its hero walks in rags for the rest of his life. I had completely forgotten Thompson, but he flashes back into my mind as vividly as lightning. I can see him now. It was on the deck of the Batavia, in the dock. The ship was casting off, amidst the noise and chaos of sailors rushing about, shouting orders, and the shrill calls of boatswain whistles, which marked the departure preparations back then—an impressive contrast to the solemn silence that characterizes the departure preparations of today’s giant ships. Mrs. Clemens, Clara Spaulding, little Susy, and the nanny were all dressed properly for the occasion. We all wore our storm gear, heavy clothes in dark colors, but new and designed specifically for the purpose, strictly in line with maritime etiquette; anything suitable for land was clearly out of the question.

Very well. On that deck, gliding smoothly among those respectable and well-dressed groups, was Thompson, young, serious, tall and slim, with an old fuzzy top hat perched high on his head, followed by a gray duster that flowed down without a wrinkle to his ankles. He came straight to us, shook hands, and made our connection obvious. Everyone could see that we knew him. A person in heaven couldn’t have caused more surprise.

However, Thompson had no idea anything was happening. He had no biases about clothing. I can still picture him as he looked when we passed Sandy Hook and the winds of the vast ocean hit us. Erect, tall, and grand, he stood facing the wind, holding his top hat with both hands, and his generous duster billowing out behind him, level with his neck. There were scoffers watching, but he wasn’t aware; he was unbothered.

In my mind, I see him once more, dressed as before, taking notes in shorthand. The Shah of Persia had come to England, and Dr. Hosmer of the Herald had sent me to Ostend to observe His Majesty's passage across the Channel and write about it. I can’t recall Thompson after that, and I wish his memory had been as poor as mine.

They had been a month in London, when the final incident referred to took place—the arrival of the Shah of Persia—and were comfortably quartered at the Langham Hotel. To Twichell Clemens wrote:

They had been in London for a month when the final incident mentioned occurred—the arrival of the Shah of Persia—and they were comfortably settled at the Langham Hotel. Clemens wrote to Twichell:

    We have a luxuriously ample suite of apartments on the third floor,
    our bedroom looking straight up Portland Place, our parlor having a
    noble array of great windows looking out upon both streets (Portland
    Place and the crook that joins it onto Regent Street).

    Nine p.m. full twilight, rich sunset tints lingering in the west.

    I am not going to write anything; rather tell it when I get back.
    I love you and Harmony, and that is all the fresh news I've got
    anyway. And I mean to keep that fresh all the time.
    We have a spacious and luxurious apartment suite on the third floor, our bedroom facing directly up Portland Place, and our living room featuring a stunning row of large windows overlooking both streets (Portland Place and the curve that connects it to Regent Street).

    Nine p.m. full twilight, beautiful sunset colors hanging in the west.

    I’m not going to write anything; I’ll just share it when I get back. I love you and Harmony, and that’s all the new updates I have anyway. And I intend to keep that feeling fresh all the time.

Mrs. Clemens, in a letter to her sister, declared: “It is perfectly discouraging to try to write you. There is so much to write about that it makes me feel as if it was no use to begin.”

Mrs. Clemens, in a letter to her sister, declared: “It’s completely discouraging to try to write to you. There’s so much to talk about that it makes me feel like it’s pointless to even start.”

It was a period of continuous honor and entertainment. If Mark Twain had been a lion on his first visit, he was little less than royalty now. His rooms at the Langham were like a court. Miss Spaulding (now Mrs. John B. Stanchfield) remembers that Robert Browning, Turgenieff, Sir John Millais, Lord Houghton, and Sir Charles Dilke (then at the height of his fame) were among those that called to pay their respects. In a recent letter she says:

It was a time of constant recognition and enjoyment. If Mark Twain was like a lion during his first visit, now he was almost like royalty. His rooms at the Langham resembled a royal court. Miss Spaulding (now Mrs. John B. Stanchfield) recalls that Robert Browning, Turgenev, Sir John Millais, Lord Houghton, and Sir Charles Dilke (then at the peak of his fame) were among those who came to show their respect. In a recent letter, she says:

    I remember a delightful luncheon that Charles Kingsley gave for Mr.
    Clemens; also an evening when Lord Dunraven brought Mr. Home, the
    medium, Lord Dunraven telling many of the remarkable things he had
    seen Mr. Home do. I remember I wanted so much to see him float out
    of a seven or eight story window, and enter another, which Lord
    Dunraven said he had seen him do many times. But Mr. Home had been
    very ill, and said his power had left him. My great regret was that
    we did not see Carlyle, who was too sad and ill for visits.
I remember a lovely lunch that Charles Kingsley hosted for Mr. Clemens; also an evening when Lord Dunraven brought Mr. Home, the medium, and Lord Dunraven shared many of the incredible things he had witnessed Mr. Home do. I really wanted to see him float out of a seven or eight-story window and into another, which Lord Dunraven said he had seen him do many times. But Mr. Home had been very sick and said his powers had left him. My biggest regret was that we didn’t see Carlyle, who was too sad and sick for visits.

Among others they met Lewis Carroll, the author of Alice in Wonderland, and found him so shy that it was almost impossible to get him to say a word on any subject.

Among others, they met Lewis Carroll, the author of Alice in Wonderland, and found him so shy that it was almost impossible to get him to say a word on any topic.

“The shyest full-grown man, except Uncle Remus, I ever met,” Clemens once wrote. “Dr. MacDonald and several other lively talkers were present, and the talk went briskly on for a couple of hours, but Carroll sat still all the while, except now and then when he answered a question.”

“The shyest grown man I ever met, except for Uncle Remus,” Clemens once wrote. “Dr. MacDonald and a few other lively speakers were there, and the conversation flowed quickly for a couple of hours, but Carroll stayed quiet the whole time, only speaking up occasionally to answer a question.”

At a dinner given by George Smalley they met Herbert Spencer, and at a luncheon-party at Lord Houghton's, Sir Arthur Helps, then a world-wide celebrity.

At a dinner hosted by George Smalley, they met Herbert Spencer, and at a luncheon at Lord Houghton's, they encountered Sir Arthur Helps, who was then a globally recognized figure.

    Lord Elcho, a large, vigorous man, sat at some distance down the
    table. He was talking earnestly about the town of Godalming. It
    was a deep, flowing, and inarticulate rumble, but I caught the
    Godalming pretty nearly every time it broke free of the rumbling,
    and as all the strength was on the first end of the word, it
    startled me every time, because it sounded so like swearing. In the
    middle of the luncheon Lady Houghton rose, remarked to the guests on
    her right and on her left, in a matter-of-fact way, “Excuse me, I
    have an engagement,” and without further ceremony, she went off to
    meet it. This would have been doubtful etiquette in America. Lord
    Houghton told a number of delightful stories. He told them in
    French, and I lost nothing of them but the nubs.
    Lord Elcho, a big, sturdy man, sat a bit further down the table. He was talking passionately about the town of Godalming. His voice was a deep, flowing, and hard-to-make-out rumble, but I managed to catch "Godalming" pretty much every time it slipped out of the rumbling, and since all the emphasis was on the first part of the word, it surprised me every time because it sounded so much like swearing. In the middle of lunch, Lady Houghton stood up, casually told the guests on her right and left, “Excuse me, I have an engagement,” and without any further fuss, she left to go meet it. This would have been questionable etiquette in America. Lord Houghton shared a bunch of charming stories. He told them in French, and I missed nothing but the details.

Little Susy and her father thrived on London life, but after a time it wore on Mrs. Clemens. She delighted in the English cordiality and culture, but the demands were heavy, the social forms sometimes trying. Life in London was interesting, and in its way charming, but she did not enter into it with quite her husband's enthusiasm and heartiness. In the end they canceled all London engagements and quietly set out for Scotland. On the way they rested a few days in York, a venerable place such as Mark Twain always loved to describe. In a letter to Mrs. Langdon he wrote:

Little Susy and her dad loved life in London, but after a while, it began to wear on Mrs. Clemens. She enjoyed the warm English hospitality and culture, but the demands were overwhelming, and the social expectations could be exhausting. Life in London was fascinating and charming in its own way, but she didn’t dive into it with the same enthusiasm and energy as her husband. Eventually, they canceled all their London plans and quietly headed for Scotland. On their way, they took a few days to rest in York, an ancient place that Mark Twain always loved to write about. In a letter to Mrs. Langdon, he wrote:

    For the present we shall remain in this queer old walled town, with
    its crooked, narrow lanes, that tell us of their old day that knew
    no wheeled vehicles; its plaster-and-timber dwellings, with upper
    stories far overhanging the street, and thus marking their date,
    say three hundred years ago; the stately city walls, the castellated
    gates, the ivy-grown, foliage-sheltered, most noble and picturesque
    ruin of St. Mary's Abbey, suggesting their date, say five hundred
    years ago, in the heart of Crusading times and the glory of English
    chivalry and romance; the vast Cathedral of York, with its worn
    carvings and quaintly pictured windows, preaching of still remoter
    days; the outlandish names of streets and courts and byways that
    stand as a record and a memorial, all these centuries, of Danish
    dominion here in still earlier times; the hint here and there of
    King Arthur and his knights and their bloody fights with Saxon
    oppressors round about this old city more than thirteen hundred
    years gone by; and, last of all, the melancholy old stone coffins
    and sculptured inscriptions, a venerable arch and a hoary tower of
    stone that still remain and are kissed by the sun and caressed by
    the shadows every day, just as the sun and the shadows have kissed
    and, caressed them every lagging day since the Roman Emperor's
    soldiers placed them here in the times when Jesus the Son of Mary
    walked the streets of Nazareth a youth, with no more name or fame
    than the Yorkshire boy who is loitering down this street this
    moment.
For now, we'll stay in this quirky old walled town, with its twisty, narrow streets that remind us of a time before cars; its plaster-and-timber houses, with upper stories that hang way over the street, dating back around three hundred years; the impressive city walls, the castle-like gates, and the ivy-covered, nature-shaded, stunning ruins of St. Mary's Abbey, hinting at a time about five hundred years ago, during the Crusades and the height of English chivalry and romance; the massive Cathedral of York, with its weathered carvings and uniquely designed windows, telling stories of even earlier days; the unusual names of streets and alleys that serve as a record and memorial, preserving the Danish rule from long ago; the occasional whispers of King Arthur and his knights and their fierce battles with Saxon invaders around this old city over thirteen hundred years ago; and finally, the somber old stone coffins and engraved inscriptions, an ancient arch and a crumbling stone tower that still stand, kissed by the sun and bathed in shadows every day, just like they have been since the Roman soldiers set them here when Jesus, the Son of Mary, walked the streets of Nazareth as a young boy, with no more name or fame than the Yorkshire lad wandering down this street right now.

They reached Edinburgh at the end of July and secluded themselves in Veitch's family hotel in George Street, intending to see no one. But this plan was not a success; the social stress of London had been too much for Mrs. Clemens, and she collapsed immediately after their arrival. Clemens was unacquainted in Edinburgh, but remembered that Dr. John Brown, who had written Rab and His Friend, lived there. He learned his address, and that he was still a practising physician. He walked around to 23 Rutland Street, and made himself known. Dr. Brown came forthwith, and Mrs. Clemens speedily recovered under his able and inspiring treatment.

They arrived in Edinburgh at the end of July and isolated themselves in Veitch's family hotel on George Street, planning to avoid everyone. However, this plan didn't work out; the stress of social life in London had been too much for Mrs. Clemens, and she collapsed right after they got there. Clemens didn’t know anyone in Edinburgh, but he recalled that Dr. John Brown, who had written Rab and His Friend, lived there. He found out his address and learned that he was still practicing medicine. He walked over to 23 Rutland Street and introduced himself. Dr. Brown came right away, and Mrs. Clemens quickly recovered under his skilled and encouraging care.

The association did not end there. For nearly a month Dr. Brown was their daily companion, either at the hotel, or in his own home, or on protracted drives when he made his round of visits, taking these new friends along. Dr. John was beloved by everybody in Edinburgh, everybody in Scotland, for that matter, and his story of Rab had won him a following throughout Christendom. He was an unpretentious sovereign. Clemens once wrote of him:

The connection didn’t stop there. For almost a month, Dr. Brown was with them every day, whether at the hotel, in his home, or on long drives when he made his rounds, bringing these new friends along. Dr. John was adored by everyone in Edinburgh and really, everyone in Scotland, and his story about Rab had earned him fans all over the world. He was a humble ruler. Clemens once wrote about him:

    His was a sweet and winning face, as beautiful a face as I have ever
    known. Reposeful, gentle, benignant; the face of a saint at peace
    with all the world and placidly beaming upon it the sunshine of love
    that filled his heart.
    He had a kind and charming face, as beautiful a face as I have ever seen. Calm, gentle, and kind; the face of a saint at peace with the world, radiating the warmth of love that filled his heart.

He was the friend of all dogs, and of all people. It has been told of him that once, when driving, he thrust his head suddenly out of the carriage window, then resumed his place with a disappointed look.

He was a friend to all dogs and all people. It is said that once, while driving, he suddenly poked his head out of the carriage window, then returned to his seat with a disappointed expression.

“Who was it?” asked his companion. “Some one you know?”

"Who was it?" his friend asked. "Is it someone you know?"

“No,” he said. “A dog I don't know.”

“No,” he said. “I don't know that dog.”

He became the boon companion and playmate of little Susy, then not quite a year and a half old. He called her Megalopis, a Greek term, suggested by her eyes; those deep, burning eyes that seemed always so full of life's sadder philosophies, and impending tragedy. In a collection of Dr. Brown's letters he refers to this period. In one place he says:

He became the best buddy and playmate of little Susy, who was just about a year and a half old. He called her Megalopis, a Greek word inspired by her eyes; those deep, intense eyes that always seemed so filled with life’s heavier thoughts and looming tragedy. In a collection of Dr. Brown's letters, he talks about this time. In one part, he mentions:

    Had the author of The Innocents Abroad not come to Edinburgh at that
    time we in all human probability might never have met, and what a
    deprivation that would have been to me during the last quarter of a
    century!
    If the author of The Innocents Abroad hadn’t come to Edinburgh at that
    time, we probably would have never met, and what a loss that would have been for me over the last twenty-five years!

And in another place:

And elsewhere:

    I am attending the wife of Mark Twain. His real name is Clemens.
    She is a quite lovely little woman, modest and clever, and she has a
    girlie eighteen months old, her ludicrous miniature—and such eyes!
    I am meeting the wife of Mark Twain. His real name is Clemens. She is a lovely little woman, modest and smart, and she has an adorable eighteen-month-old daughter, her ridiculous little mini-me—and those eyes!

Those playmates, the good doctor and Megalopis, romped together through the hotel rooms with that complete abandon which few grown persons can assume in their play with children, and not all children can assume in their play with grown-ups. They played “bear,” and the “bear” (which was a very little one, so little that when it stood up behind the sofa you could just get a glimpse of yellow hair) would lie in wait for her victim, and spring out and surprise him and throw him into frenzies of fear.

Those playmates, the good doctor and Megalopis, ran around the hotel rooms with a carefree joy that few adults can display when playing with kids, and not all kids can show when playing with adults. They played “bear,” and the “bear” (which was super small, so small that when it stood up behind the sofa you could just catch a glimpse of its yellow hair) would lie in wait for its target, then leap out to surprise him and send him into fits of fear.

Almost every day they made his professional rounds with him. He always carried a basket of grapes for his patients. His guests brought along books to read while they waited. When he stopped for a call he would say:

Almost every day they accompanied him on his professional rounds. He always carried a basket of grapes for his patients. His guests brought books to read while they waited. When he paused for a visit, he'd say:

“Entertain yourselves while I go in and reduce the population.”

“Have fun while I go inside and take care of the situation.”

There was much sight-seeing to do in Edinburgh, and they could not quite escape social affairs. There were teas and luncheons and dinners with the Dunfermlines and the Abercrombies, and the MacDonalds, and with others of those brave clans that no longer slew one another among the grim northern crags and glens, but were as sociable and entertaining lords and ladies as ever the southland could produce. They were very gentle folk indeed, and Mrs. Clemens, in future years, found her heart going back oftener to Edinburgh than to any other haven of those first wanderings. August 24th she wrote to her sister:

There was a lot to see in Edinburgh, and they couldn’t completely avoid social events. There were teas, luncheons, and dinners with the Dunfermlines, Abercrombies, MacDonalds, and other brave clans that no longer fought each other in the harsh northern mountains and valleys, but were just as friendly and entertaining as any lords and ladies from the south. They were truly kind people, and Mrs. Clemens, in later years, often found herself reminiscing about Edinburgh more than any other place from those early travels. On August 24th, she wrote to her sister:

    We leave Edinburgh to-morrow with sincere regret; we have had such a
    delightful stay here—we do so regret leaving Dr. Brown and his
    sister, thinking that we shall probably never see them again [as
    indeed they never did].
    We leave Edinburgh tomorrow with genuine sadness; we've had such a wonderful time here—we truly regret leaving Dr. Brown and his sister, knowing that we will probably never see them again [as indeed they never did].

They spent a day or two at Glasgow and sailed for Ireland, where they put in a fortnight, and early in September were back in England again, at Chester, that queer old city where; from a tower on the wall, Charles I. read the story of his doom. Reginald Cholmondeley had invited them to visit his country seat, beautiful Condover Hall, near Shrewsbury, and in that lovely retreat they spent some happy, restful days. Then they were in the whirl of London once more, but escaped for a fortnight to Paris, sight-seeing and making purchases for the new home.

They spent a couple of days in Glasgow and then headed to Ireland, where they stayed for two weeks. By early September, they were back in England, in Chester, that strange old city where Charles I read about his fate from a tower on the wall. Reginald Cholmondeley had invited them to visit his beautiful country estate, Condover Hall, near Shrewsbury, and they enjoyed some happy, relaxing days there. Then they were back in the hustle of London, but took a break for two weeks to go to Paris, sightseeing and shopping for their new home.

Mrs. Clemens was quite ready to return to America, by this time.

Mrs. Clemens was definitely ready to go back to America by this time.

    I am blue and cross and homesick [she wrote]. I suppose what makes
    me feel the latter is because we are contemplating to stay in London
    another month. There has not one sheet of Mr. Clemens's proof come
    yet, and if he goes home before the book is published here he will
    lose his copyright. And then his friends feel that it will be
    better for him to lecture in London before his book is published,
    not only that it will give him a larger but a more enviable
    reputation. I would not hesitate one moment if it were simply for
    the money that his copyright will bring him, but if his reputation
    will be better for his staying and lecturing, of course he ought to
    stay.... The truth is, I can't bear the thought of postponing going
    home.
    I’m feeling down, frustrated, and homesick [she wrote]. I think what’s making me feel homesick is the fact that we’re considering staying in London for another month. Not a single sheet of Mr. Clemens's proof has come through yet, and if he goes back home before the book is published here, he’ll lose his copyright. His friends believe it would be better for him to lecture in London before his book is released, as it would not only give him a larger audience but also a more respected reputation. I wouldn’t hesitate for a second if it was just about the money from his copyright, but if staying and lecturing will enhance his reputation, of course, he should stay... The truth is, I can’t stand the idea of putting off going home.

It is rather gratifying to find Olivia Clemens human, like that, now and then. Otherwise, on general testimony, one might well be tempted to regard her as altogether of another race and kind.

It’s pretty satisfying to see Olivia Clemens being human like that, once in a while. Otherwise, based on what everyone says, you might easily be tempted to think she belongs to a completely different race and kind.





XCI. A LONDON LECTURE

Clemens concluded to hasten the homeward journey, but to lecture a few nights in London before starting. He would then accompany his little family home, and return at once to continue the lecture series and protect his copyright. This plan was carried out. In a communication to the Standard, October 7th, he said:

Clemens decided to speed up the trip home, but he planned to give a few lectures in London first. He would then take his family back home and head back right away to continue the lecture series and watch over his copyright. This plan was put into action. In a message to the Standard on October 7th, he said:

    SIR,—In view of the prevailing frenzy concerning the Sandwich
    Islands, and the inflamed desire of the public to acquire
    information concerning them, I have thought it well to tarry yet
    another week in England and deliver a lecture upon this absorbing
    subject. And lest it should be thought unbecoming in me, a
    stranger, to come to the public rescue at such a time, instead of
    leaving to abler hands a matter of so much moment, I desire to
    explain that I do it with the best motives and the most honorable
    intentions. I do it because I am convinced that no one can allay
    this unwholesome excitement as effectually as I can, and to allay
    it, and allay it as quickly as possible, is surely one thing that is
    absolutely necessary at this juncture. I feel and know that I am
    equal to this task, for I can allay any kind of an excitement by
    lecturing upon it. I have saved many communities in this way. I
    have always been able to paralyze the public interest in any topic
    that I chose to take hold of and elucidate with all my strength.

    Hoping that this explanation will show that if I am seeming to
    intrude I am at least doing it from a high impulse, I am, sir, your
    obedient servant,
                         MARK TWAIN.
SIR,—Given the current excitement about the Sandwich Islands and the public's strong desire for information about them, I’ve decided to stay in England another week to give a lecture on this captivating topic. And just in case it seems inappropriate for me, a stranger, to step in at this time instead of leaving this important matter to someone more qualified, I’d like to clarify that I do so with the best intentions and honorable motives. I believe that no one can calm this unhealthy excitement as effectively as I can, and calming it quickly is definitely necessary right now. I feel confident that I can handle this task, as I have a knack for easing any kind of excitement by discussing it. I’ve helped many communities in this way. I've always been able to diminish public interest in any subject I decided to tackle and explain with all my effort.

I hope this explanation clarifies that if I seem to be intruding, I am at least doing so with good intentions. I am, sir, your obedient servant,  
                         MARK TWAIN.

A day later the following announcement appeared:

A day later, the following announcement was released:

                  QUEEN'S CONCERT ROOMS,
                   HANOVER SQUARE.

            MR. GEORGE DOLBY begs to announce that

                    MR. MARK TWAIN

                    WILL DELIVER A
                      LECTURE
                       OF A
                  HUMOROUS CHARACTER,

                     AS ABOVE, ON
           MONDAY EVENING NEXT, OCTOBER 13th, 1873,
            AND REPEAT IT IN THE SAME PLACE, ON
               TUESDAY EVENING, OCTOBER 14th,
               WEDNESDAY “      “  15th,
               THURSDAY “      “  16th,
               FRIDAY  “      “  17th,

                   At Eight o'Clock,
                       AND
             SATURDAY AFTERNOON, OCTOBER 18th,
                   At Three o'Clock.

                      SUBJECT:
         “Our Fellow Savages of the Sandwich Islands.”

    As Mr. TWAIN has spent several months in these Islands, and is well
    acquainted with his subject, the Lecture may be expected to furnish
    matter of interest.

           STALLS, 5s.     UNRESERVED SEATS, 3s.
                  QUEEN'S CONCERT ROOMS,
                   HANOVER SQUARE.

            MR. GEORGE DOLBY is excited to announce that

                    MR. MARK TWAIN

                    WILL GIVE A
                      LECTURE
                       WITH A
                  HUMOROUS FOCUS,

                     AS ABOVE, ON
           MONDAY EVENING NEXT, OCTOBER 13th, 1873,
            AND WILL REPEAT IT IN THE SAME LOCATION, ON
               TUESDAY EVENING, OCTOBER 14th,
               WEDNESDAY “      “  15th,
               THURSDAY “      “  16th,
               FRIDAY  “      “  17th,

                   At Eight o'Clock,
                       AND
             SATURDAY AFTERNOON, OCTOBER 18th,
                   At Three o'Clock.

                      SUBJECT:
         “Our Fellow Savages of the Sandwich Islands.”

    As Mr. TWAIN has spent several months in these Islands and is well
    informed about the topic, the Lecture is sure to provide
    engaging content.

           STALLS, 5s.     UNRESERVED SEATS, 3s.

The prospect of a lecture from Mark Twain interested the London public. Those who had not seen him were willing to pay even for that privilege. The papers were encouraging; Punch sounded a characteristic note:

The idea of a lecture from Mark Twain excited the London crowd. Those who hadn’t seen him were ready to pay just for that chance. The newspapers were supportive; Punch struck a typical tone:

              WELCOME TO A LECTURER

  “'Tis time we Twain did show ourselves.” 'Twas said
    By Caesar, when one Mark had lost his head:
    By Mark, whose head's quite bright, 'tis said again:
    Therefore, “go with me, friends, to bless this Twain.”

                                —Punch.
              WELCOME TO A LECTURER

  “It’s time we Twain showed ourselves.” That was said
    By Caesar when one Mark had lost his head:
    By Mark, whose head is quite bright, it’s said again:
    Therefore, “come with me, friends, to celebrate this Twain.”

                                —Punch.

Dolby had managed the Dickens lectures, and he proved his sound business judgment and experience by taking the largest available hall in London for Mark Twain.

Dolby had organized the Dickens lectures, and he demonstrated his strong business sense and experience by booking the biggest hall in London for Mark Twain.

On the evening of October 13th, in the spacious Queen's Concert Rooms, Hanover Square, Mark Twain delivered his first public address in England. The subject was “Our Fellow Savages of the Sandwich Islands,” the old lecture with which he had made his first great successes. He was not introduced. He appeared on the platform in evening dress, assuming the character of a manager announcing a disappointment.

On the evening of October 13th, in the large Queen's Concert Rooms, Hanover Square, Mark Twain delivered his first public speech in England. The topic was “Our Fellow Savages of the Sandwich Islands,” the same lecture that had earned him his initial major successes. He wasn’t introduced. He appeared on stage in formal attire, taking on the role of a manager announcing a letdown.

Mr. Clemens, he said, had fully expected to be present. He paused and loud murmurs arose from the audience. He lifted his hand and they subsided. Then he added, “I am happy to say that Mark Twain is present, and will now give his lecture.” Whereupon the audience roared its approval.

Mr. Clemens, he said, fully expected to be here. He paused, and loud murmurs rose from the audience. He raised his hand, and they quieted down. Then he added, “I’m happy to say that Mark Twain is here and will now give his lecture.” The audience then erupted in approval.

It would be hardly an exaggeration to say that his triumph that week was a regal one. For five successive nights and a Saturday matinee the culture and fashion of London thronged to hear him discourse of their “fellow savages.” It was a lecture event wholly without precedent. The lectures of Artemus Ward,—[“Artemus the delicious,” as Charles Reade called him, came to London in June, 1866, and gave his “piece” in Egyptian Hall. The refined, delicate, intellectual countenance, the sweet, gave, mouth, from which one might have expected philosophical lectures retained their seriousness while listeners were convulsed with laughter. There was something magical about it. Every sentence was a surprise. He played on his audience as Liszt did on a piano most easily when most effectively. Who can ever forget his attempt to stop his Italian pianist—“a count in his own country, but not much account in this”—who went on playing loudly while he was trying to tell us an “affecting incident” that occurred near a small clump of trees shown on his panorama of the Far West. The music stormed on-we could see only lips and arms pathetically moving till the piano suddenly ceased, and we heard-it was all we heard “and, she fainted in Reginald's arms.” His tricks have been at tempted in many theaters, but Artemus Ward was inimitable. And all the time the man was dying. (Moneure D. Conway, Autobiography.)]—who had quickly become a favorite in London, had prepared the public for American platform humor, while the daily doings of this new American product, as reported by the press, had aroused interest, or curiosity, to a high pitch. On no occasion in his own country had he won such a complete triumph. The papers for a week devoted columns of space to appreciation and editorial comment. The Daily News of October 17th published a column-and-a-half editorial on American humor, with Mark Twain's public appearance as the general text. The Times referred to the continued popularity of the lectures:

It would hardly be an exaggeration to say that his success that week was royal. For five straight nights and a Saturday matinee, the culture and fashion of London crowds came to hear him talk about their “fellow savages.” It was a lecture event entirely without precedent. The lectures of Artemus Ward—[“Artemus the delightful,” as Charles Reade called him—came to London in June 1866 and performed at Egyptian Hall. His refined, delicate, intellectual expression and his charming smile, from which one might have expected philosophical talks, retained their seriousness while the audience erupted with laughter. There was something magical about it. Every sentence was a surprise. He connected with his audience like Liszt did with a piano—most easily when most effectively. Who can forget his attempt to silence his Italian pianist—“a count in his own country, but not much account here”—who kept playing loudly while he tried to share an “affecting incident” that happened near a small cluster of trees shown in his panorama of the Far West? The music kept raging—we could only see his lips and arms moving pathetically until the piano suddenly stopped, and we heard—it was all we heard, “and, she fainted in Reginald's arms.” His tricks have been attempted in many theaters, but Artemus Ward was one of a kind. And all the while, the man was dying. (Moneure D. Conway, Autobiography.)—who had quickly become a favorite in London, had prepared the public for American platform humor, while the daily activities of this new American figure, as reported by the press, had stirred interest or curiosity to a high degree. Never before in his own country had he achieved such a complete triumph. For a week, the papers dedicated columns to praise and editorial comment. The Daily News on October 17th published a column-and-a-half editorial on American humor, centering around Mark Twain's public appearance. The Times noted the ongoing popularity of the lectures:

    They can't be said to have more than whetted the public appetite, if
    we are to take the fact which has been imparted to us, that the
    holding capacity of the Hanover Square Rooms has been inadequate to
    the demand made upon it every night by Twain's lecturing, as a
    criterion. The last lecture of this too brief course was delivered
    yesterday before an audience which crammed to discomfort every part
    of the principal apartment of the Hanover Square Rooms....
    They can’t be said to have done more than spark the public’s interest, if we consider the information we've received that the capacity of the Hanover Square Rooms has been insufficient to meet the demand created by Twain’s lectures each night as a standard. The final lecture of this all-too-short series was held yesterday in front of an audience that filled every corner of the main room at the Hanover Square Rooms to the point of discomfort....

At the close of yesterday's lecture Mark Twain was so loudly applauded that he returned to the stage, and, as soon as the audience gave him a chance of being heard, he said, with much apparent emotion:

At the end of yesterday's lecture, Mark Twain was applauded so loudly that he went back on stage, and as soon as the audience gave him a moment to speak, he said, with a lot of emotion:

    “Ladies and Gentlemen,—I won't keep you one single moment in this
    suffocating atmosphere. I simply wish to say that this is the last
    lecture I shall have the honor to deliver in London until I return
    from America, four weeks from now. I only wish to say (here Mr.
    Clemens faltered as if too much affected to proceed) I am very
    grateful. I do not wish to appear pathetic, but it is something
    magnificent for a stranger to come to the metropolis of the world
    and be received so handsomely as I have been. I simply thank you.”
 
“Ladies and Gentlemen,—I won’t keep you for another second in this stuffy atmosphere. I just want to say that this is the last lecture I’ll have the privilege of giving in London until I come back from America, four weeks from now. I just want to say (here Mr. Clemens hesitated as if too emotional to continue) I am very thankful. I don’t want to seem overly sentimental, but it’s truly amazing for someone from afar to come to the capital of the world and be received so warmly as I have been. I just want to thank you.”

The Saturday Review devoted a page, and Once a Week, under the head of “Cracking jokes,” gave three pages, to praise of the literary and lecture methods of the new American humorist. With the promise of speedy return, he left London, gave the lecture once in Liverpool, and with his party (October 21st) set sail for home.

The Saturday Review dedicated a page, and Once a Week, under the section “Cracking jokes,” featured three pages praising the literary and lecture style of the new American humorist. With the assurance of a quick return, he left London, gave the lecture once in Liverpool, and after that, on October 21st, he and his group set sail for home.

In mid-Atlantic he remembered Dr. Brown, and wrote him:

In the middle of the Atlantic, he thought about Dr. Brown and wrote to him:

    We have plowed a long way over the sea, and there's twenty-two
    hundred miles of restless water between us now, besides the railway
    stretch. And yet you are so present with us, so close to us, that a
    span and a whisper would bridge the distance.
    We have traveled a long way over the ocean, and there's 2,200 miles of restless water between us now, in addition to the train journey. And yet you feel so present with us, so close to us, that a heartbeat and a whisper could bridge the gap.

So it would seem that of all the many memories of that eventful half-year, that of Dr. Brown was the most present, the most tender.

So it seems that out of all the many memories from that eventful six months, Dr. Brown's memory is the most vivid and the most heartfelt.





XCII. FURTHER LONDON LECTURE TRIUMPHS

Orion Clemens records that he met “Sam and Livy” on their arrival from England, November 2d, and that the president of the Mercantile Library Association sent up his card “four times,” in the hope of getting a chance to propose a lecture engagement—an incident which impressed Orion deeply in its evidence of his brother's towering importance. Orion himself was by this time engaged in various projects. He was inventing a flying-machine, for one thing, writing a Jules Verne story, reading proof on a New York daily, and contemplating the lecture field. This great blaze of international appreciation which had come to the little boy who used to set type for him in Hannibal, and wash up the forms and cry over the dirty proof, made him gasp.

Orion Clemens notes that he met “Sam and Livy” when they arrived from England on November 2nd, and that the president of the Mercantile Library Association sent his card "four times," hoping to arrange a lecture engagement—an event that deeply impressed Orion as a sign of his brother's significant status. By this time, Orion was busy with various projects. He was inventing a flying machine, writing a Jules Verne-style story, proofreading for a New York daily, and considering a career in lectures. This overwhelming wave of international recognition for the little boy who once set type for him in Hannibal, washed the printing forms, and cried over the messy proofs, left him in awe.

They went to see Booth in Hamlet [he says], and Booth sent for Sam to come behind the scenes, and when Sam proposed to add a part to Hamlet, the part of a bystander who makes humorous modern comment on the situations in the play, Booth laughed immoderately.

They went to see Booth in Hamlet, and Booth called for Sam to come backstage. When Sam suggested adding a role to Hamlet—a bystander who makes funny, contemporary comments on the situations in the play—Booth laughed uncontrollably.

Proposing a sacrilege like that to Booth! To what heights had this printer-pilot, miner-brother not attained!—[This idea of introducing a new character in Hamlet was really attempted later by Mark Twain, with the connivance of Joe Goodman [of all men], sad to relate. So far as is known it is the one stain on Goodman's literary record.]

Proposing something so outrageous to Booth! What heights had this printer-pilot, miner-brother achieved!—[This idea of adding a new character in Hamlet was actually tried later by Mark Twain, with the help of Joe Goodman [of all people], unfortunately. As far as we know, it's the only blemish on Goodman's literary reputation.]

Clemens returned immediately to England—the following Saturday, in fact—and was back in London lecturing again after barely a month's absence. He gave the “Roughing It” address, this time under the title of “Roughing It on the Silver Frontier,” and if his audiences were any less enthusiastic, or his houses less crowded than before, the newspapers of that day have left no record of it. It was the height of the season now, and being free to do so, he threw himself into the whirl of it, and for two months, beyond doubt, was the most talked-of figure in London. The Athenaeum Club made him a visiting member (an honor considered next to knighthood); Punch quoted him; societies banqueted him; his apartments, as before; were besieged by callers. Afternoons one was likely to find him in “Poets' Corner” of the Langham smoking-room, with a group of London and American authors—Reade, Collins, Miller, and the others—frankly rioting in his bold fancies. Charles Warren Stoddard was in London at the time, and acted as his secretary. Stoddard was a gentle poet, a delightful fellow, and Clemens was very fond of him. His only complaint of Stoddard was that he did not laugh enough at his humorous yarns. Clemens once said:

Clemens returned immediately to England—the following Saturday, in fact—and was back in London giving lectures again after barely a month's absence. He delivered the “Roughing It” address, this time titled “Roughing It on the Silver Frontier,” and if his audiences were any less enthusiastic, or if his crowds were smaller than before, the newspapers of that time didn't document it. It was peak season now, and feeling free to do so, he immersed himself in the social scene, and for two months, without a doubt, he became the most talked-about person in London. The Athenaeum Club made him a visiting member (an honor considered just below knighthood); Punch quoted him; various societies hosted banquets in his honor; and his apartment, as before, was crowded with visitors. In the afternoons, you could often find him in “Poets' Corner” of the Langham smoking room, hanging out with a group of London and American authors—Reade, Collins, Miller, and others—openly enjoying his bold ideas. Charles Warren Stoddard was in London at the time and served as his secretary. Stoddard was a gentle poet, a wonderful person, and Clemens was quite fond of him. His only complaint about Stoddard was that he didn’t laugh enough at his funny stories. Clemens once said:

“Dolby and I used to come in after the lecture, or perhaps after being out to some dinner, and we liked to sit down and talk it over and tell yarns, and we expected Stoddard to laugh at them, but Stoddard would lie there on the couch and snore. Otherwise, as a secretary, he was perfect.”

“Dolby and I used to come in after the lecture, or maybe after having dinner somewhere, and we liked to sit down and chat about it and share stories. We expected Stoddard to laugh at them, but he would just lie there on the couch and snore. Otherwise, as a secretary, he was perfect.”

The great Tichborne trial was in progress then, and the spectacle of an illiterate impostor trying to establish his claim as the rightful heir to a great estate was highly diverting to Mark Twain.—[In a letter of this period he speaks of having attended one of the Claimant's “Evenings.”]—He wanted to preserve the evidence as future literary material, and Stoddard day after day patiently collected the news reports and neatly pasted them into scrap-books, where they still rest, a complete record of that now forgotten farce. The Tichborne trial recalled to Mark Twain the claimant in the Lampton family, who from time to time wrote him long letters, urging him to join in the effort to establish his rights to the earldom of Durham. This American claimant was a distant cousin, who had “somehow gotten hold of, or had fabricated a full set of documents.”

The famous Tichborne trial was happening back then, and the sight of an uneducated fraud trying to prove he was the legitimate heir to a huge estate was very amusing to Mark Twain.—[In a letter from this time, he mentions attending one of the Claimant's “Evenings.”]—He wanted to keep the evidence for future writing material, and Stoddard diligently gathered news reports every day and carefully pasted them into scrapbooks, where they remain, a complete record of that now forgotten farce. The Tichborne trial reminded Mark Twain of a claimant in the Lampton family, who occasionally sent him long letters, urging him to help claim his rights to the earldom of Durham. This American claimant was a distant cousin who had “somehow obtained, or had made up, a full set of documents.”

Colonel Henry Watterson, just quoted (also a Lampton connection), adds:

Colonel Henry Watterson, as just mentioned (also connected to the Lampton family), adds:

    During the Tichborne trial Mark and I were in London, and one day he
    said to me: “I have investigated this Durham business down at the
    Herald's office. There is nothing to it. The Lamptons passed out
    of the earldom of Durham a hundred years ago. There were never any
    estates; the title lapsed; the present earldom is a new creation,
    not in the same family at all. But I'll tell you what: if you'll
    put up $500, I'll put up $500 more; we'll bring our chap over here
    and set him in as claimant, and, my word for it, Kenealy's fat boy
    won't be a marker to him.”
 
During the Tichborne trial, Mark and I were in London, and one day he said to me: “I looked into this Durham situation at the Herald's office. It’s all nonsense. The Lamptons lost the earldom of Durham over a hundred years ago. There were never any estates; the title expired; the current earldom is a completely new creation, not related to that family at all. But here’s the deal: if you put up $500, I’ll match it with another $500; we’ll bring our guy over here to claim it, and I guarantee you, Kenealy’s fat kid won’t stand a chance against him.”

It was a characteristic Mark Twain project, one of the sort he never earned out in reality, but loved to follow in fancy, and with the pen sometimes. The “Rightful Earl of Durham” continued to send letters for a long time after that (some of them still exist), but he did not establish his claim. No one but Mark Twain ever really got anything out of it. Like the Tennessee land, it furnished material by and by for a book. Colonel Watterson goes on to say that Clemens was only joking about having looked up the matter in the peerage; that he hadn't really looked it up at all, and that the earldom lies still in the Lampton family.

It was a typical Mark Twain project, one of those he never completed in real life but loved to explore in his imagination and sometimes write about. The “Rightful Earl of Durham” kept sending letters for a long time after that (some of them still exist), but he didn't prove his claim. No one but Mark Twain ever really gained anything from it. Like the Tennessee land, it eventually provided material for a book. Colonel Watterson adds that Clemens was just joking about having researched the subject in the peerage; that he hadn't actually looked it up at all, and that the earldom still belongs to the Lampton family.

Another of Clemens's friends in London at this time was Prentice Mulford, of California. In later years Mulford acquired a wide reputation for his optimistic and practical psychologies. Through them he lifted himself out of the slough of despond, and he sought to extend a helping hand to others. His “White Cross Library” had a wide reading and a wide influence; perhaps has to this day. But in 1873 Mulford had not found the tangibility of thought, the secret of strength; he was only finding it, maybe, in his frank acknowledgment of shortcoming:

Another one of Clemens's friends in London at that time was Prentice Mulford from California. Later on, Mulford became well-known for his optimistic and practical approaches to psychology. Through these, he lifted himself out of a deep depression and tried to help others. His "White Cross Library" reached many readers and had a significant impact; it might still today. But in 1873, Mulford hadn’t yet discovered the concrete power of thought or the secret to strength; he was just beginning to find it, perhaps, in his honest acknowledgment of his shortcomings.

    Now, Mark, I am down-very much down at present; you are up-where you
    deserve to be. I can't ask this on the score of any past favors,
    for there have been none. I have not always spoken of you in terms
    of extravagant praise; have sometimes criticized you, which was due,
    I suppose, in part to an envious spirit. I am simply human. Some
    people in the same profession say they entertain no jealousy of
    those more successful. I can't. They are divine; I am not.
Now, Mark, I'm feeling really low right now; you're in a good place, where you belong. I can't ask this as a favor from the past because there haven't been any. I haven't always spoken highly of you; I've criticized you at times, which was probably partly out of jealousy. I'm just human. Some people in the same field claim they don't feel jealous of those who are more successful. I can't say that. They're remarkable; I'm not.

It was only that he wished Clemens to speak a word for him to Routledge, to get him a hearing for his work. He adds:

It was just that he wanted Clemens to say a word for him to Routledge, to get him a chance to present his work. He adds:

    I shall be up myself some day, although my line is far apart from
    yours. Whether you can do anything that I ask of you or not, I
    shall be happy then, as I would be now, to do you any just and right
    service.... Perhaps I have mistaken my vocation. Certainly, if I
    was back with my rocker on the Tuolumne, I'd make it rattle livelier
    than ever I did before. I have occasionally thought of London
    Bridge, but the Thames is now so d—-d cold and dirty, and besides I
    can swim, and any attempt at drowning would, through the mere
    instinct of self-preservation, only result in my swimming ashore and
    ruining my best clothes; wherefore I should be worse off than ever.
I will be successful one day, even though my path is very different from yours. Whether you can help me with what I ask or not, I'll still be just as happy to do you any fair and right service... Maybe I’ve chosen the wrong career. If I were back with my rocker on the Tuolumne, I’d make it rattle more than I ever did before. I’ve sometimes thought about London Bridge, but the Thames is so cold and dirty now, and besides, I can swim. Any attempt to drown myself would, out of sheer instinct for self-preservation, just lead to me swimming to shore and ruining my best clothes; so I'd end up worse off than before.

Of course Mark Twain granted the favor Mulford asked, and a great deal more, no doubt, for that was his way. Mulford came up, as he had prophesied, but the sea in due time claimed him, though not in the way he had contemplated. Years after he was one day found drifting off the shores of Long Island in an open boat, dead.

Of course, Mark Twain granted Mulford's request, and likely much more, as that was his style. Mulford did arrive, as he had predicted, but the sea eventually took him, though not in the way he had expected. Years later, he was found drifting off the coast of Long Island in an open boat, dead.

Clemens made a number of notable dinner speeches during this second London lecture period. His response to the toast of the “Ladies,” delivered at the annual dinner of the Scottish Corporation of London, was the sensational event of the evening.

Clemens gave several memorable dinner speeches during this second lecture series in London. His reply to the toast for the “Ladies,” presented at the annual dinner of the Scottish Corporation of London, was the highlight of the evening.

He was obliged to decline an invitation to the Lord Mayor's dinner, whereupon his Lordship wrote to urge him to be present at least at the finale, when the welcome would be “none the less hearty,” and bespoke his attendance for any future dinners.

He had to turn down an invitation to the Lord Mayor's dinner, after which the Lord Mayor wrote to encourage him to attend at least the finale, assuring him that the welcome would be “just as warm,” and requested his presence at any future dinners.

Clemens lectured steadily at the Hanover Square Rooms during the two months of his stay in London, and it was only toward the end of this astonishing engagement that the audience began to show any sign of diminishing. Early in January he wrote to Twichell:

Clemens gave lectures consistently at the Hanover Square Rooms during his two months in London, and it was only towards the end of this remarkable engagement that the audience started to show any sign of decline. Early in January, he wrote to Twichell:

I am not going to the provinces because I cannot get halls that are large enough. I always felt cramped in the Hanover Square Rooms, but I find that everybody here speaks with awe and respect of that prodigious hall and wonders that I could fill it so long.

I’m not going to the provinces because I can’t find venues that are big enough. I always felt confined in the Hanover Square Rooms, but everyone here talks about that impressive hall with awe and respect, and they’re amazed that I was able to fill it for so long.

I am hoping to be back in twenty days, but I have so much to go home to and enjoy with a jubilant joy that it hardly seems possible that it can come to pass in so uncertain a world as this.

I hope to be back in twenty days, but I have so much to return to and enjoy with such excitement that it hardly seems possible in this unpredictable world.

In the same letter he speaks of attending an exhibition of Landseer's paintings at the Royal Academy:

In the same letter, he talks about going to an exhibition of Landseer's paintings at the Royal Academy:

    Ah, they are wonderfully beautiful! There are such rich moonlights
    and dusks in the “Challenge” and the “Combat,” and in that long
    flight of birds across a lake in the subdued flush of sunset (or
    sunrise, for no man can ever tell t'other from which in a picture,
    except it has the filmy morning mist breathing itself up from the
    water), and there is such a grave analytical profundity in the face
    of the connoisseurs; and such pathos in the picture of a fawn
    suckling its dead mother on a snowy waste, with only the blood in
    the footprints to hint that she is not asleep. And the way that he
    makes animals' flesh and blood, insomuch that if the room were
    darkened ever so little, and a motionless living animal placed
    beside the painted one, no man could tell which was which.
Ah, they are incredibly beautiful! The moonlight and dusks in the “Challenge” and the “Combat” are so rich, and that long flight of birds across a lake at sunset (or sunrise, because no one can tell the difference in a picture unless there's a delicate morning mist rising from the water) is just stunning. There’s such a serious analytical depth in the faces of the art experts, and a deep sadness in the image of a fawn suckling its dead mother on a snowy expanse, with only the blood in the footprints to suggest she isn't just asleep. And the way he captures the flesh and blood of animals is amazing; if the room were darkened even slightly and a real, still animal was placed next to the painted one, no one could tell which was which.

I interrupted myself here, to drop a line to Shirley Brooks and suggest a cartoon for Punch. It was this: in one of the Academy saloons (in a suite where these pictures are) a fine bust of Landseer stands on a pedestal in the center of the room. I suggested that some of Landseer's best known animals be represented as having come down out of their frames in the moonlight and grouped themselves about the bust in mourning attitudes.

I paused here to write a quick note to Shirley Brooks and propose a cartoon for Punch. It goes like this: in one of the Academy rooms (where these pictures are displayed), there's a beautiful bust of Landseer on a pedestal in the middle of the room. I suggested that some of Landseer's most famous animals appear to have come down from their frames in the moonlight and gathered around the bust in mourning poses.

He sailed January 13 (1874.), on the Paythia, and two weeks later was at home, where all was going well. The Gilded Age had been issued a day or two before Christmas, and was already in its third edition. By the end of January 26,000 copies had been sold, a sale that had increased to 40,000 a month later. The new house was progressing, though it was by no means finished. Mrs. Clemens was in good health. Little Susy was full of such American activities as to earn the name of “The Modoc.” The promise of the year was bright.

He set sail on January 13, 1874, on the Paythia, and two weeks later he was back home, where everything was going well. The Gilded Age had been released a day or two before Christmas and was already on its third edition. By the end of January, 26,000 copies had sold, with sales increasing to 40,000 a month later. The new house was coming along, though it wasn't finished yet. Mrs. Clemens was healthy. Little Susy was so busy with American activities that she earned the nickname “The Modoc.” The outlook for the year was bright.





XCIII. THE REAL COLONEL SELLERS-GOLDEN DAYS

There are bound to be vexations, flies in the ointment, as we say. It was Warner who conferred the name of Eschol Sellers on the chief figure of the collaborated novel. Warner had known it as the name of an obscure person, or perhaps he had only heard of it. At all events, it seemed a good one for the character and had been adopted. But behold, the book had been issued but a little while when there rose “out of the vasty deeps” a genuine Eschol Sellers, who was a very respectable person. He was a stout, prosperous-looking man, gray and about fifty-five years old. He came into the American Publishing Company offices and asked permission to look at the book. Mr. Bliss was out at the moment, but presently arrived. The visitor rose and introduced himself.

There are bound to be annoyances, as we say. It was Warner who gave the name Eschol Sellers to the main character of the collaborative novel. Warner knew it was the name of an obscure person, or maybe he had just heard it somewhere. In any case, it seemed like a fitting name for the character and was chosen. However, shortly after the book was published, a real Eschol Sellers emerged, who turned out to be quite a respectable person. He was a sturdy, successful-looking man, gray-haired and around fifty-five years old. He walked into the American Publishing Company offices and asked to see the book. Mr. Bliss was out at the time but arrived shortly after. The visitor stood up and introduced himself.

“My name is Eschol Sellers,” he said. “You have used it in one of your publications. It has brought upon me a lot of ridicule. My people wish me to sue you for $10,000 damages.”

“My name is Eschol Sellers,” he said. “You’ve mentioned it in one of your publications. It has caused me a lot of embarrassment. My people want me to sue you for $10,000 in damages.”

He had documents to prove his identity, and there was only one thing to be done; he must be satisfied. Bliss agreed to recall as many of the offending volumes as possible and change the name on the plates. He contacted the authors, and the name Beriah was substituted for the offending Eschol. It turned out that the real Sellers family was a large one, and that the given name Eschol was not uncommon in its several branches. This particular Eschol Sellers, curiously enough, was an inventor and a promoter, though of a much more substantial sort than his fiction namesake. He was also a painter of considerable merit, a writer and an antiquarian. He was said to have been a grandson of the famous painter, Rembrandt Peale.

He had documents to prove who he was, and there was only one thing to do; he had to be satisfied. Bliss agreed to recall as many of the problematic books as possible and change the name on the plates. He reached out to the authors, and the name Beriah replaced the problematic Eschol. It turned out that the real Sellers family was quite large, and the name Eschol wasn’t uncommon among its various branches. This particular Eschol Sellers, interestingly enough, was an inventor and a promoter, though a much more credible type than his fictional counterpart. He was also a talented painter, a writer, and an antiquarian. It was said that he was a grandson of the famous painter, Rembrandt Peale.

Clemens vowed that he would not lecture in America that winter. The irrepressible Redpath besieged him as usual, and at the end of January Clemens telegraphed him, as he thought, finally. Following it with a letter of explanation, he added:

Clemens promised that he wouldn’t give any lectures in America that winter. The unstoppable Redpath kept bothering him as usual, and by the end of January, Clemens sent him a telegram, thinking it would be the final word. He followed up with a letter of explanation, adding:

“I said to her, 'There isn't money enough in America to hire me to leave you for one day.'”

“I told her, 'There isn't enough money in America to pay me to leave you for even a day.'”

But Redpath was a persistent devil. He used arguments and held out inducements which even Mrs. Clemens thought should not be resisted, and Clemens yielded from time to time, and gave a lecture here and there during February. Finally, on the 3d of March (1879.) he telegraphed his tormentor:

But Redpath was a relentless guy. He made compelling arguments and offered incentives that even Mrs. Clemens believed were hard to refuse, so Clemens occasionally gave in and delivered a lecture now and then during February. Finally, on March 3rd (1879), he sent a telegram to his annoyer:

“Why don't you congratulate me? I never expect to stand on a lecture platform again after Thursday night.”

“Why don’t you congratulate me? I never expect to be on a lecture stage again after Thursday night.”

Howells tells delightfully of a visit which he and Aldrich paid to Hartford just at this period. Aldrich went to visit Clemens and Howells to visit Charles Dudley Warner, Clemens coming as far as Springfield to welcome them.

Howells shares a charming story about a visit he and Aldrich made to Hartford during that time. Aldrich went to see Clemens, while Howells visited Charles Dudley Warner, with Clemens traveling as far as Springfield to greet them.

    In the good-fellowship of that cordial neighborhood we had two such
    days as the aging sun no longer shines on in his round. There was
    constant running in and out of friendly houses where the lively
    hosts and guests called one another by their Christian names or
    nicknames, and no such vain ceremony as knocking or ringing at
    doors. Clemens was then building the stately mansion in which he
    satisfied his love of magnificence as if it had been another
    sealskin coat, and he was at the crest of the prosperity which
    enabled him to humor every whim or extravagance.
In the friendly atmosphere of that warm neighborhood, we experienced two days that the aging sun no longer shines upon. There was non-stop coming and going in and out of friendly homes, where the lively hosts and guests called each other by their first names or nicknames, with no need for formalities like knocking or ringing doorbells. Clemens was busy constructing the impressive mansion where he indulged his love for grandeur as if it were just another fancy coat, and he was at the peak of his prosperity, allowing him to entertain every whim or extravagance.

Howells tells how Clemens dilated on the advantages of subscription sale over the usual methods of publication, and urged the two Boston authors to prepare something which canvassers could handle.

Howells explains how Clemens elaborated on the benefits of subscription sales compared to traditional publishing methods and encouraged the two Boston authors to create something that canvassers could promote.

“Why, any other means of bringing out a book is privately printing it,” he declared, and added that his subscription books in Bliss's hands sold right along, “just like the Bible.”

“Any other way to publish a book is just private printing,” he said, and added that his subscription books at Bliss's were selling steadily, “just like the Bible.”

On the way back to Boston Howells and Aldrich planned a subscription book which would sell straight along, like the Bible. It was to be called “Twelve Memorable Murders.” They had dreamed two or three fortunes by the time they had reached Boston, but the project ended there.

On the way back to Boston, Howells and Aldrich came up with a plan for a subscription book that would sell continuously, like the Bible. They intended to call it “Twelve Memorable Murders.” By the time they arrived in Boston, they had already envisioned two or three fortunes, but the project stopped there.

“We never killed a single soul,” Howells said once to the writer of this memoir.

“We never killed a single person,” Howells once told the author of this memoir.

Clemens was always urging Howells to visit him after that. He offered all sorts of inducements.

Clemens kept encouraging Howells to come visit him after that. He promised all kinds of incentives.

    You will find us the most reasonable people in the world. We had
    thought of precipitating upon you, George Warner and his wife one
    day, Twichell and his jewel of a wife another day, and Charles
    Perkins and wife another. Only those—simply members of our family
    they are. But I'll close the door against them all, which will
    “fix” all of the lot except Twichell, who will no more hesitate to
    climb in the back window than nothing.

    And you shall go to bed when you please, get up when you please,
    talk when you please, read when you please.
    You’ll find us to be the most reasonable people in the world. We had thought about dropping by to see you, George Warner and his wife one day, Twichell and his wonderful wife another day, and Charles Perkins and his wife another time. Just those—simply members of our family they are. But I'll shut the door on all of them, which will "solve" the problem for everyone except Twichell, who wouldn’t hesitate to climb in the back window at all.

    And you can go to bed whenever you want, get up whenever you want, talk whenever you want, read whenever you want.

A little later he was urging Howells or Aldrich, or both of them; to come to Hartford to live.

A little later, he was encouraging Howells or Aldrich, or both, to move to Hartford.

    Mr. Hall, who lives in the house next to Mrs. Stowe's (just where we
    drive in to go to our new house), will sell for $16,000 or $17,000.
    You can do your work just as well here as in Cambridge, can't you?
    Come! Will one of you boys buy that house? Now, say yes.
    Mr. Hall, who lives in the house next to Mrs. Stowe's (right where we drive in to get to our new house), is selling it for $16,000 or $17,000. You can do your work just as well here as in Cambridge, right? Come on! Will one of you guys buy that house? Now, say yes.

Certainly those were golden, blessed days, and perhaps, as Howells says, the sun does not shine on their like any more—not in Hartford, at least, for the old group that made them no longer assembles there. Hartford about this time became a sort of shrine for all literary visitors, and for other notables as well, whether of America or from overseas. It was the half-way place between Boston and New York, and pilgrims going in either direction rested there. It is said that travelers arriving in America, were apt to remember two things they wished to see: Niagara Falls and Mark Twain. But the Falls had no such recent advertising advantage as that spectacular success in London. Visitors were apt to begin in Hartford.

Surely those were amazing, special days, and maybe, as Howells says, the sun doesn’t shine on their kind anymore—not in Hartford, at least, since the old group that created them no longer gathers there. Around this time, Hartford became a sort of shrine for all literary visitors and other famous individuals, whether from America or abroad. It was the halfway point between Boston and New York, and travelers heading in either direction would stop there. It’s said that travelers arriving in America were likely to remember two things they wanted to see: Niagara Falls and Mark Twain. But the Falls didn’t have the same recent publicity as that spectacular success in London. Visitors were likely to start in Hartford.

Howells went with considerable frequency after that, or rather with regularity, twice a year, or oftener, and his coming was always hailed with great rejoicing. They visited and ate around at one place and another among that pleasant circle of friends. But they were happiest afterward together, Clemens smoking continually, “soothing his tense nerves with a mild hot Scotch,” says Howells, “while we both talked, and talked, and tasked of everything in the heavens and on the earth, and the waters under the earth. After two days of this talk I would come away hollow, realizing myself best in the image of one of those locust-shells which you find sticking to the bark of trees at the end of summer.” Sometimes Clemens told the story of his early life, “the inexhaustible, the fairy, the Arabian Nights story, which I could never tire of even when it began to be told over again.”

Howells started visiting regularly after that, about twice a year or more, and his arrival was always met with great excitement. They would go around visiting and eating at different places within their lovely circle of friends. But they were happiest afterward when it was just the two of them, with Clemens constantly smoking, “soothing his tense nerves with a mild hot Scotch,” as Howells puts it, “while we both talked and talked, discussing everything in the heavens and on the earth, and the waters under the earth. After two days of this conversation, I would leave feeling empty, realizing I was like one of those locust shells you find stuck to the bark of trees at the end of summer.” Sometimes, Clemens would share stories from his early life, “the endless, fairy-tale, Arabian Nights story that I could never get tired of, even when it started to get repeated.”





XCIV. BEGINNING “TOM SAWYER”

The Clemens household went to Quarry Farm in April, leaving the new house once more in the hands of the architect and builders. It was costing a vast sum of money, and there was a financial stress upon land. Mrs. Clemens, always prudent, became a little uneasy at times, though without warrant in those days, for her business statement showed that her holdings were only a little less than a quarter of a million in her own right, while her husband's books and lectures had been highly remunerative, and would be more so. They were justified in living in ample, even luxurious comfort, and how free from financial worries they could have lived for the rest of their days!

The Clemens family went to Quarry Farm in April, leaving their new house once again in the hands of the architect and builders. It was costing a huge amount of money, and there was financial pressure on the land. Mrs. Clemens, always practical, became a bit anxious at times, even though there was no real reason for it back then, since her financial statement showed that her assets were just under a quarter of a million in her own right, while her husband’s books and lectures had been very profitable and would continue to be. They had every right to live in plenty, even luxury, and they could have enjoyed a life free from financial worries for the rest of their days!

Clemens, realizing his happiness, wrote Dr. Brown:

Clemens, recognizing his happiness, wrote to Dr. Brown:

Indeed I am thankful for the wifey and the child, and if there is one individual creature on all this footstool who is more thoroughly and uniformly and, unceasingly happy than I am I defy the world to produce him and prove him. In my opinion he don't exist. I was a mighty rough, coarse, unpromising subject when Livy took charge of me, four years ago, and I may still be to the rest of the world, but not to her. She has made a very creditable job of me.

I’m really grateful for my wife and child, and if there’s even one person out there who is happier than I am, I challenge anyone to find them and prove it. In my view, they don’t exist. I was a pretty rough and tough guy when Livy stepped in four years ago, and I might still seem that way to everyone else, but not to her. She has done an amazing job with me.

Truly fortune not only smiled, but laughed. Every mail brought great bundles of letters that sang his praises. Robert Watt, who had translated his books into Danish, wrote of their wide popularity among his people. Madame Blanc (Th. Bentzon), who as early as 1872 had translated The Jumping Frog into French, and published it, with extended comment on the author and his work, in the 'Revue des deux mondes', was said to be preparing a review of 'The Gilded Age'. All the world seemed ready to do him honor.

Fortune not only smiled but actually laughed. Every mail delivery brought large bundles of letters that praised him. Robert Watt, who translated his books into Danish, mentioned their huge popularity among his people. Madame Blanc (Th. Bentzon), who as early as 1872 had translated The Jumping Frog into French and published it, along with detailed commentary on the author and his work, in the 'Revue des deux mondes', was said to be getting ready to review 'The Gilded Age'. It seemed like everyone was eager to honor him.

Of course, one must always pay the price, usually a vexatious one. Bores stopped him on the street to repeat ancient and witless stories. Invented anecdotes, some of them exasperating ones, went the rounds of the press. Impostors in distant localities personated him, or claimed to be near relatives, and obtained favors, sometimes money, in his name. Trivial letters, seeking benefactions of every kind, took the savor from his daily mail. Letters from literary aspirants were so numerous that he prepared a “form” letter of reply:

Of course, you always have to pay the price, usually a frustrating one. Bores would stop him on the street to repeat old and pointless stories. Made-up anecdotes, some of them infuriating, circulated in the press. Impostors in far-off places pretended to be him or claimed to be close relatives, getting favors, sometimes money, in his name. Trivial letters asking for various types of help dulled the excitement of his daily mail. Letters from aspiring writers were so numerous that he created a “form” letter to reply to them:

DEAR SIR OR MADAM,—Experience has not taught me very much, still it has taught me that it is not wise to criticize a piece of literature, except to an enemy of the person who wrote it; then if you praise it that enemy admires—you for your honest manliness, and if you dispraise it he admires you for your sound judgment.

DEAR SIR OR MADAM,—I haven't learned much through experience, but I have learned that it's not smart to criticize a piece of literature unless you're talking to an enemy of the author; if you compliment it, that enemy respects you for your honesty, and if you criticize it, they respect you for your good judgment.

                     Yours truly,  S. L. C.
Sincerely, S. L. C.

Even Orion, now in Keokuk on a chicken farm, pursued him with manuscripts and proposals of schemes. Clemens had bought this farm for Orion, who had counted on large and quick returns, but was planning new enterprises before the first eggs were hatched. Orion Clemens was as delightful a character as was ever created in fiction, but he must have been a trial now and then to Mark Twain. We may gather something of this from a letter written by the latter to his mother and sister at this period:

Even Orion, now in Keokuk on a chicken farm, followed him around with manuscripts and business ideas. Clemens had bought this farm for Orion, who expected big and quick profits but was already brainstorming new ventures before the first eggs were even laid. Orion Clemens was as charming a character as anyone in fiction, but he must have been a bit of a headache for Mark Twain at times. We can get a sense of this from a letter written by Twain to his mother and sister during this time:

    I can't “encourage” Orion. Nobody can do that conscientiously, for
    the reason that before one's letter has time to reach him he is off
    on some new wild-goose chase. Would you encourage in literature a
    man who the older he grows the worse he writes?

    I cannot encourage him to try the ministry, because he would change
    his religion so fast that he would have to keep a traveling agent
    under wages to go ahead of him to engage pulpits and board for him.

    I cannot conscientiously encourage him to do anything but potter
    around his little farm and put in his odd hours contriving new and
    impossible projects at the rate of 365 a year which is his customary
    average. He says he did well in Hannibal! Now there is a man who
    ought to be entirely satisfied with the grandeurs, emoluments, and
    activities of a hen farm.

    If you ask me to pity Orion I can do that. I can do it every day
    and all day long. But one can't “encourage” quicksilver; because
    the instant you put your finger on it, it isn't there. No, I am
    saying too much. He does stick to his literary and legal
    aspirations, and he naturally would elect the very two things which
    he is wholly and preposterously unfitted for. If I ever become
    able, I mean to put Orion on a regular pension without revealing the
    fact that it is a pension.

    He did presently allow the pension, a liberal one, which continued
    until neither Orion Clemens nor his wife had further earthly need of
    it.
I can't "encourage" Orion. No one can do that honestly because by the time your letter reaches him, he's already off on some new wild-goose chase. Would you encourage a guy in literature who writes worse the older he gets?

I can't support him in trying the ministry because he would switch his religion so often that he'd need to hire a traveling agent just to book him pulpits and lodging.

I can't sincerely encourage him to do anything but mess around on his little farm and spend his spare time coming up with new, impossible projects at the usual rate of 365 a year. He claims he did well in Hannibal! He’s a guy who should be perfectly happy with the perks and activities of a chicken farm.

If you want me to feel sorry for Orion, I can do that. I can do it every day, all day long. But you can't "encourage" quicksilver because the moment you touch it, it’s gone. No, I'm saying too much. He does stick to his literary and legal dreams, and of course, he chooses the two things he's completely and ridiculously unfit for. If I ever have the means, I plan to put Orion on a regular pension without letting him know it's a pension.

He eventually accepted the pension, a generous one, which continued until neither Orion Clemens nor his wife had any further earthly need for it.

Mark Twain for some time had contemplated one of the books that will longest preserve his memory, 'The Adventures of Tom Sawyer'. The success of 'Roughing It' naturally made him cast about for other autobiographical material, and he remembered those days along the river-front in Hannibal—his skylarking with Tom Blankenship, the Bowen boys, John Briggs, and the rest. He had recognized these things as material—inviting material it was—and now in the cool luxury of Quarry Farm he set himself to spin the fabric of youth.

Mark Twain had been considering one of the books that will keep his memory alive the longest, 'The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.' The success of 'Roughing It' led him to look for more autobiographical material, and he remembered the days spent along the riverfront in Hannibal—his adventures with Tom Blankenship, the Bowen boys, John Briggs, and the others. He saw these experiences as valuable material—exciting material indeed—and now, in the comfortable setting of Quarry Farm, he began to weave together the story of his youth.

He found summer-time always his best period for literary effort, and on a hillside just by the old quarry, Mrs. Crane had built for him that spring a study—a little room of windows, somewhat suggestive of a pilot-house—overlooking the long sweep of grass and the dreamlike city below. Vines were planted that in the course of time would cover and embower it; there was a tiny fireplace for chilly days. To Twichell, of his new retreat, Clemens wrote:

He always found summer to be his best time for writing, and on a hillside near the old quarry, Mrs. Crane built him a study that spring—a small room with windows that looked a bit like a pilot house—overlooking the long stretch of grass and the dreamy city below. Vines were planted that would eventually cover and surround it; there was a small fireplace for chilly days. To Twichell, about his new getaway, Clemens wrote:

It is the loveliest study you ever saw. It is octagonal, with a peaked roof, each face filled with a spacious window, and it sits perched in complete isolation on the top of an elevation that commands leagues of valley and city and retreating ranges of distant blue hills. It is a cozy nest and just room in it for a sofa, table, and three or four chairs, and when the storms sweep down the remote valley and the lightning flashes behind the hills beyond, and the rain beats upon the roof over my head, imagine the luxury of it.

It’s the most beautiful study you’ve ever seen. It’s octagonal, with a peaked roof, every side filled with a large window, and it sits entirely isolated at the top of a hill that overlooks miles of valley, city, and the fading blue mountains in the distance. It’s a cozy little nest with just enough space for a sofa, a table, and three or four chairs. When storms sweep down the distant valley, lightning flashes behind the hills, and rain beats down on the roof overhead, just imagine how luxurious that feels.

He worked steadily there that summer. He would go up mornings, after breakfast, remaining until nearly dinner-time, say until five o'clock or after, for it was not his habit to eat luncheon. Other members of the family did not venture near the place, and if he was urgently wanted they blew a horn. Each evening he brought down his day's performance to read to the assembled family. He felt the need of audience and approval. Usually he earned the latter, but not always. Once, when for a day he put aside other matters to record a young undertaker's love-affair, and brought down the result in the evening, fairly bubbling with the joy of it, he met with a surprise. The tale was a ghastly burlesque, its humor of the most disheartening, unsavory sort. No one spoke during the reading, nobody laughed: The air was thick with disapproval. His voice lagged and faltered toward the end. When he finished there was heavy silence. Mrs. Clemens was the only one who could speak:

He worked steadily there that summer. He would go up in the mornings, after breakfast, and stay until almost dinner time, around five o'clock or later, because he didn’t usually have lunch. The other family members didn’t come near the place, and if they needed him, they would blow a horn. Every evening, he would share his day's work with the family gathered together. He craved an audience and their approval. Usually, he received it, but not always. Once, when he set aside everything for a day to write about a young undertaker's love story and brought it down in the evening, bubbling with excitement, he was met with an unexpected reaction. The story turned out to be a horrific parody, with a humor that was bleak and unpleasant. No one spoke during the reading, and nobody laughed; the atmosphere was thick with disapproval. His voice stumbled and weakened toward the end. When he finished, there was a heavy silence. Mrs. Clemens was the only one who could speak:

“Youth, let's walk a little,” she said.

“Youth, let’s take a short walk,” she said.

The “Undertaker's Love Story” is still among the manuscripts of that period, but it is unlikely that it will ever see the light of print.—[This tale bears no relation to “The Undertaker's Story” in Sketches New and Old.]

The “Undertaker's Love Story” is still one of the manuscripts from that time, but it probably won't ever get published. —[This tale has no connection to “The Undertaker's Story” in Sketches New and Old.]

The Tom Sawyer tale progressed steadily and satisfactorily. Clemens wrote Dr. Brown:

The Tom Sawyer story moved along smoothly and effectively. Clemens wrote Dr. Brown:

    I have been writing fifty pages of manuscript a day, on an average,
    for some time now, on a book (a story), and consequently have been
    so wrapped up in it, and dead to everything else, that I have fallen
    mighty short in letter-writing....

    On hot days I spread the study wide open, anchor my papers down with
    brickbats, and write in the midst of the hurricane, clothed in the
    same thin linen we make shirts of.
I’ve been writing about fifty pages of a manuscript each day for a while now, working on a book (a story), and because of that, I’ve become so absorbed in it that I’ve really fallen behind in staying in touch…

On hot days, I throw open the studywide, weigh my papers down with bricks, and write in the middle of the chaos, dressed in the same lightweight linen we use for shirts.

He incloses some photographs in this letter.

He includes some photographs in this letter.

    The group [he says] represents the vine-clad carriageway in front of
    the farm-house. On the left is Megalopis sitting in the lap of her
    German nurse-maid. I am sitting behind them. Mrs. Crane is in the
    center. Mr. Crane next to her. Then Mrs. Clemens and the new baby.
    Her Irish nurse stands at her back. Then comes the table waitress,
    a young negro girl, born free. Next to her is Auntie Cord (a
    fragment of whose history I have just sent to a magazine). She is
    the cook; was in slavery more than forty years; and the self-
    satisfied wench, the last of the group, is the little baby's
    American nurse-maid. In the middle distance my mother-in-law's
    coachman (up on errand) has taken a position unsolicited to help out
    the picture. No, that is not true. He was waiting there a minute
    or two before the photographer came. In the extreme background,
    under the archway, you glimpse my study.
    The group [he says] represents the vine-covered path in front of the farmhouse. On the left is Megalopis sitting with her German nanny. I’m sitting behind them. Mrs. Crane is in the center. Mr. Crane is next to her. Then there’s Mrs. Clemens and the new baby. Her Irish nurse is standing behind her. Next is the table waitress, a young Black girl born free. Next to her is Auntie Cord (a part of her story I just sent to a magazine). She is the cook; she was enslaved for over forty years, and the self-satisfied woman at the end of the group is the little baby’s American nanny. In the middle distance, my mother-in-law’s coachman (out on an errand) has taken a place unasked to complete the scene. No, that’s not accurate. He had been waiting there a minute or two before the photographer arrived. In the far background, under the archway, you can see my study.

The “new baby,” “Bay,” as they came to call her, was another little daughter, born in June, a happy, healthy addition to the household. In a letter written to Twichell we get a sweet summer picture of this period, particularly of little sunny-haired, two-year-old Susy.

The “new baby,” “Bay,” as they started calling her, was another little girl, born in June, a joyful, healthy addition to the family. In a letter written to Twichell, we get a charming summer snapshot of this time, especially of little sunny-haired, two-year-old Susy.

    There is nothing selfish about the Modoc. She is fascinated with
    the new baby. The Modoc rips and tears around outdoors most of the
    time, and consequently is as hard as a pineknot and as brown as an
    Indian. She is bosom friend to all the chickens, ducks, turkeys,
    and guinea-hens on the place. Yesterday, as she marched along the
    winding path that leads up the hill through the red-clover beds to
    the summer-house, there was a long procession of these fowls
    stringing contentedly after her, led by a stately rooster, who can
    look over the Modoc's head. The devotion of these vassals has been
    purchased with daily largess of Indian meal, and so the Modoc,
    attended by her body-guard, moves in state wherever she goes.
    There’s nothing selfish about the Modoc. She’s completely captivated by the new baby. The Modoc is usually outdoors, running around and playing, which has made her as tough as a knot of pine and as brown as a native person. She’s great friends with all the chickens, ducks, turkeys, and guinea hens around. Yesterday, as she walked along the winding path that leads up the hill through the red clover to the summer house, a long line of these birds happily followed her, led by a distinguished rooster who can look over the Modoc's head. The loyalty of these followers has been earned through daily handouts of cornmeal, and so the Modoc, flanked by her entourage, moves with an air of importance wherever she goes.

There were days, mainly Sundays, when he did not work at all; peaceful days of lying fallow, dreaming in shady places, drowsily watching little Susy, or reading with Mrs. Clemens. Howells's “Foregone Conclusion” was running in the Atlantic that year, and they delighted in it. Clemens wrote the author:

There were days, mostly Sundays, when he didn’t work at all; tranquil days spent relaxing, dreaming in shady spots, lazily watching little Susy, or reading with Mrs. Clemens. Howells's “Foregone Conclusion” was being published in the Atlantic that year, and they enjoyed it. Clemens wrote to the author:

    I should think that this must be the daintiest, truest, most
    admirable workmanship that was ever put on a story. The creatures
    of God do not act out their natures more unerringly than yours do.
    If your genuine stories can die I wonder by what right old Walter
    Scott's artificialities shall continue to live.
I believe this is the most delicate, authentic, and impressive craftsmanship ever put into a story. The creations of God don't express their true nature more accurately than yours do. If your real stories can fade away, I wonder how old Walter Scott's artificial ones get to survive.

At other times he found comfort in the society of Theodore Crane. These two were always fond of each other, and often read together the books in which they were mutually interested. They had portable-hammock arrangements, which they placed side by side on the lawn, and read and discussed through summer afternoons. The 'Mutineers of the Bounty' was one of the books they liked best, and there was a story of an Iceland farmer, a human document, that had an unfading interest. Also there were certain articles in old numbers of the Atlantic that they read and reread. 'Pepys' Diary', 'Two Years Before the Mast', and a book on the Andes were reliable favorites. Mark Twain read not so many books, but read a few books often. Those named were among the literature he asked for each year of his return to Quarry Farm. Without them, the farm and the summer would not be the same.

At times, he found comfort in the company of Theodore Crane. The two were always fond of each other and often read together the books they both enjoyed. They set up their portable hammocks side by side on the lawn and spent summer afternoons reading and discussing. One of their favorite books was 'Mutineers of the Bounty,' and there was a story about an Icelandic farmer, a human document, that held lasting interest. They also reread certain articles from old Atlantic magazines. 'Pepys' Diary,' 'Two Years Before the Mast,' and a book about the Andes were reliable favorites. Mark Twain didn’t read a lot of different books but often revisited a few. The titles mentioned were among the ones he requested each year upon returning to Quarry Farm. Without them, the farm and the summer wouldn’t feel the same.

Then there was 'Lecky's History of European Morals'; there were periods when they read Lecky avidly and discussed it in original and unorthodox ways. Mark Twain found an echo of his own philosophies in Lecky. He made frequent marginal notes along the pages of the world's moral history—notes not always quotable in the family circle. Mainly, however, they were short, crisp interjections of assent or disapproval. In one place Lecky refers to those who have undertaken to prove that all our morality is a product of experience, holding that a desire to obtain happiness and to avoid pain is the only possible motive to action; the reason, and the only reason, why we should perform virtuous actions being “that on the whole such a course will bring us the greatest amount of happiness.” Clemens has indorsed these philosophies by writing on the margin, “Sound and true.” It was the philosophy which he himself would always hold (though, apparently, never live by), and in the end would embody a volume of his own.—[What Is Man? Privately printed in 1906.]—In another place Lecky, himself speaking, says:

Then there was 'Lecky's History of European Morals'; there were times when they read Lecky eagerly and discussed it in unique and unconventional ways. Mark Twain found echoes of his own beliefs in Lecky. He often made margin notes on the pages of this moral history—notes that weren't always suitable for family discussions. Mostly, they were short, sharp comments of agreement or disagreement. At one point, Lecky mentions those who have tried to prove that all our morality comes from experience, claiming that the desire to seek happiness and avoid pain is the only real reason for action; the only justification for doing virtuous things being “that overall, such a path will lead us to the most happiness.” Clemens endorsed these ideas by writing in the margin, “Sound and true.” This was the philosophy he would always believe in (though he apparently never lived by it), and ultimately, he would capture it in a book of his own.—[What Is Man? Privately printed in 1906.]—In another spot, Lecky, speaking for himself, states:

    Fortunately we are all dependent for many of our pleasures on
    others. Co-operation and organization are essential to our
    happiness, and these are impossible without some restraint being
    placed upon our appetites. Laws are made to secure this restraint,
    and being sustained by rewards, and punishments they make it the
    interest of the individual to regard that of the community.
    Fortunately, we all rely on others for many of our pleasures. Working together and being organized are key to our happiness, and these are not possible without some control over our desires. Laws are established to maintain this control, and by offering rewards and punishments, they encourage individuals to consider the interests of the community.

“Correct!” comments Clemens. “He has proceeded from unreasoned selfishness to reasoned selfishness. All our acts, reasoned and unreasoned, are selfish.” It was a conclusion he logically never departed from; not the happiest one, it would seem, at first glance, but one easier to deny than to disprove.

“Correct!” Clemens remarks. “He has moved from unthinking selfishness to thoughtful selfishness. All our actions, whether thought out or not, are selfish.” It was a conclusion he never wavered from; not the most uplifting one, it might seem at first, but one that is harder to deny than to refute.

On the back of an old envelope Mark Twain set down his literary declaration of this period.

On the back of an old envelope, Mark Twain wrote his literary declaration for this period.

“I like history, biography, travels, curious facts and strange happenings, and science. And I detest novels, poetry, and theology.”

“I enjoy history, biographies, travel, interesting facts, and unusual events, and I really dislike novels, poetry, and theology.”

But of course the novels of Howells would be excepted; Lecky was not theology, but the history of it; his taste for poetry would develop later, though it would never become a fixed quantity, as was his devotion to history and science. His interest in these amounted to a passion.

But of course, Howells' novels would be the exception; Lecky wasn't theology but the history of it. His appreciation for poetry would grow later, although it would never become a constant, unlike his dedication to history and science. His interest in these subjects was intense.





XCV. AN “ATLANTIC” STORY AND A PLAY

The reference to “Auntie Cord” in the letter to Dr. Brown brings us to Mark Twain's first contribution to the Atlantic Monthly. Howells in his Recollections of his Atlantic editorship, after referring to certain Western contributors, says:

The mention of “Auntie Cord” in the letter to Dr. Brown takes us to Mark Twain's first piece for the Atlantic Monthly. Howells, in his Recollections of his Atlantic editorship, after talking about some Western contributors, states:

    Later came Mark Twain, originally of Missouri, but then
    provisionally of Hartford, and now ultimately of the solar system,
    not to say the universe. He came first with “A True Story,” one of
    those noble pieces of humanity with which the South has atoned
    chiefly, if not solely, through him for all its despite to the
    negro.
    Later came Mark Twain, originally from Missouri, but then temporarily in Hartford, and now forever part of the solar system, not to mention the universe. He first arrived with “A True Story,” one of those great pieces of humanity with which the South has largely, if not exclusively, atoned for all its wrongs against the black community through him.

Clemens had long aspired to appear in the Atlantic, but such was his own rating of his literature that he hardly hoped to qualify for its pages. Twichell remembers his “mingled astonishment and triumph” when he was invited to send something to the magazine.

Clemens had long wanted to be featured in the Atlantic, but he thought so little of his own writing that he hardly believed he was good enough for its pages. Twichell remembers his “mixed astonishment and triumph” when he was invited to submit something to the magazine.

He was obliged to “send something” once or twice before the acceptance of “A True Story,” the narrative of Auntie Cord, and even this acceptance brought with it the return of a fable which had accompanied it, with the explanation that a fable like that would disqualify the magazine for every denominational reader, though Howells hastened to express his own joy in it, having been particularly touched by the author's reference to Sisyphus and Atlas as ancestors of the tumble-bug. The “True Story,” he said, with its “realest king of black talk,” won him, and a few days later he wrote again: “This little story delights me more and more. I wish you had about forty of 'em.”

He had to “send something” once or twice before getting “A True Story,” the tale of Auntie Cord, accepted. Even then, the acceptance came with the return of a fable that had been sent along, with a note explaining that a fable like that would turn away every denominational reader from the magazine. However, Howells quickly expressed his own happiness with it, having been especially moved by the author's mention of Sisyphus and Atlas as ancestors of the tumble-bug. The “True Story,” he said, with its “realest kind of black talk,” really appealed to him, and a few days later he wrote again: “This little story delights me more and more. I wish you had about forty of them.”

And so, modestly enough, as became him, for the story was of the simplest, most unpretentious sort, Mark Twain entered into the school of the elect.

And so, in a humble manner that suited him, since the story was very straightforward and unassuming, Mark Twain joined the ranks of the chosen.

In his letter to Howells, accompanying the MS., the author said:

In his letter to Howells, that came with the manuscript, the author stated:

    I inclose also “A True Story,” which has no humor in it. You can
    pay as lightly as you choose for that if you want it, for it is
    rather out of my line. I have not altered the old colored woman's
    story, except to begin it at the beginning, instead of the middle,
    as she did—and traveled both ways.
    I’m also including “A True Story,” which doesn’t have any humor in it. You can pay whatever you want for it if you're interested, as it’s not really my style. I haven't changed the old colored woman’s story, except to start it from the beginning instead of the middle, like she did—and went both ways.

Howells in his Recollections tells of the business anxiety in the Atlantic office in the effort to estimate the story's pecuniary value. Clemens and Harte had raised literary rates enormously; the latter was reputed to have received as much as five cents a word from affluent newspapers! But the Atlantic was poor, and when sixty dollars was finally decided upon for the three pages (about two and a half cents a word) the rate was regarded as handsome—without precedent in Atlantic history. Howells adds that as much as forty times this amount was sometimes offered to Mark Twain in later years. Even in '74 he had received a much higher rate than that offered by the Atlantic,—but no acceptance, then, or later, ever made him happier, or seemed more richly rewarded.

Howells in his recollections talks about the stress in the Atlantic office trying to figure out the story's monetary value. Clemens and Harte had significantly increased literary rates; the latter was rumored to have gotten as much as five cents per word from wealthy newspapers! But the Atlantic was short on funds, and when they finally agreed on sixty dollars for the three pages (about two and a half cents per word), it was seen as generous—unprecedented in Atlantic history. Howells mentions that Mark Twain was sometimes offered as much as forty times that amount in later years. Even back in '74, he had received a much higher rate than what the Atlantic offered—but no acceptance, then or later, ever made him happier or felt more rewarding.

“A True Story, Repeated Word for Word as I Heard It” was precisely what it claimed to be.—[Atlantic Monthly for November, 1874; also included in Sketches New and Old.]—Auntie Cord, the Auntie Rachel of that tale, cook at Quarry Farm, was a Virginia negress who had been twice sold as a slave, and was proud of the fact; particularly proud that she had brought $1,000 on the block. All her children had been sold away from her, but it was a long time ago, and now at sixty she was fat and seemingly without care. She had told her story to Mrs. Crane, who had more than once tried to persuade her to tell it to Clemens; but Auntie Cord was reluctant. One evening, however, when the family sat on the front veranda in the moonlight, looking down on the picture city, as was their habit, Auntie Cord came around to say good night, and Clemens engaged her in conversation. He led up to her story, and almost before she knew it she was seated at his feet telling the strange tale in almost the exact words in which it was set down by him next morning. It gave Mark Twain a chance to exercise two of his chief gifts—transcription and portrayal. He was always greater at these things than at invention. Auntie Cord's story is a little masterpiece.

“A True Story, Repeated Word for Word as I Heard It” was exactly what it claimed to be.—[Atlantic Monthly for November, 1874; also included in Sketches New and Old.]—Auntie Cord, the Auntie Rachel from that story, was a cook at Quarry Farm and a Virginia woman who had been sold as a slave twice, and she took pride in it; especially proud that she sold for $1,000 at the auction. All of her children had been sold away from her, but that was a long time ago, and now at sixty, she was overweight and seemed carefree. She had shared her story with Mrs. Crane, who had tried several times to convince her to tell it to Clemens; but Auntie Cord was hesitant. One evening, as the family sat on the front porch in the moonlight, looking down on the beautiful city, Auntie Cord came by to say good night, and Clemens started a conversation with her. He gradually led to her story, and almost before she realized it, she found herself sitting at his feet, sharing the strange tale in nearly the same words he wrote down the next morning. It gave Mark Twain a chance to showcase two of his main talents—transcription and portrayal. He was always better at these than at inventing. Auntie Cord's story is a little masterpiece.

He wished to do more with Auntie Cord and her associates of the farm, for they were extraordinarily interesting. Two other negroes on the place, John Lewis and his wife (we shall hear notably of Lewis later), were not always on terms of amity with Auntie Cord. They disagreed on religion, and there were frequent battles in the kitchen. These depressed the mistress of the house, but they gave only joy to Mark Twain. His Southern raising had given him an understanding of their humors, their native emotions which made these riots a spiritual gratification. He would slip around among the shrubbery and listen to the noise and strife of battle, and hug himself with delight. Sometimes they resorted to missiles—stones, tinware—even dressed poultry which Auntie Cord was preparing for the oven. Lewis was very black, Auntie Cord was a bright mulatto, Lewis's' wife several shades lighter. Wherever the discussion began it promptly shaded off toward the color-line and insult. Auntie Cord was a Methodist; Lewis was a Dunkard. Auntie Cord was ignorant and dogmatic; Lewis could read and was intelligent. Theology invariably led to personality, and eventually to epithets, crockery, geology, and victuals. How the greatest joker of the age did enjoy that summer warfare!

He wanted to get to know Auntie Cord and her farm associates better because they were incredibly fascinating. Two other Black people on the farm, John Lewis and his wife (we'll hear more about Lewis later), weren't always on good terms with Auntie Cord. They often clashed over religion, resulting in frequent arguments in the kitchen. These conflicts upset the head of the household, but they brought Mark Twain nothing but joy. His Southern upbringing helped him appreciate their humor and emotions, making these disturbances a source of spiritual satisfaction. He would sneak around the bushes to listen to the chaos, reveling in it. Sometimes, they would throw things—stones, pots, or even the dressed poultry Auntie Cord was preparing for the oven. Lewis was very dark-skinned, Auntie Cord was a light-skinned mulatto, and Lewis's wife was several shades lighter. No matter how a discussion started, it quickly turned to race and insults. Auntie Cord was a Methodist; Lewis was a Dunkard. Auntie Cord was dogmatic and uninformed; Lewis was educated and smart. Theological debates inevitably led to personal attacks, and eventually to thrown dishes, rocks, and food. How much the greatest jokester of the time loved that summer skirmish!

The fun was not all one-sided. An incident of that summer probably furnished more enjoyment for the colored members of the household than it did for Mark Twain. Lewis had some fowls, and among them was a particularly pestiferous guinea-hen that used to get up at three in the morning and go around making the kind of a noise that a guinea-hen must like and is willing to get up early to hear. Mark Twain did not care for it. He stood it as long as he could one morning, then crept softly from the house to stop it.

The fun wasn't all one-sided. One event that summer probably brought more enjoyment to the Black members of the household than it did for Mark Twain. Lewis had some chickens, and among them was a particularly annoying guinea hen that would wake up at three in the morning and make the kind of noise that only a guinea hen would enjoy, getting up that early to make it. Mark Twain didn't like it. He tolerated it as long as he could one morning, then quietly left the house to put a stop to it.

It was a clear, bright night; locating the guinea-hen, he slipped up stealthily with a stout stick. The bird was pouring out its heart, tearing the moonlight to tatters. Stealing up close, Clemens made a vicious swing with his bludgeon, but just then the guinea stepped forward a little, and he missed. The stroke and his explosion frightened the fowl, and it started to run. Clemens, with his mind now on the single purpose of revenge, started after it. Around the trees, along the paths, up and down the lawn, through gates and across the garden, out over the fields, they raced, “pursuer and pursued.” The guinea nor longer sang, and Clemens was presently too exhausted to swear. Hour after hour the silent, deadly hunt continued, both stopping to rest at intervals; then up again and away. It was like something in a dream. It was nearly breakfast-time when he dragged himself into the house at last, and the guinea was resting and panting under a currant-bush. Later in the day Clemens gave orders to Lewis to “kill and eat that guinea-hen,” which Lewis did. Clemens himself had then never eaten a guinea, but some years later, in Paris, when the delicious breast of one of those fowls was served him, he remembered and said:

It was a clear, bright night; finding the guinea-hen, he moved up quietly with a sturdy stick. The bird was pouring its heart out, tearing the moonlight to shreds. Getting close, Clemens swung his stick hard, but just then the guinea stepped forward a bit, and he missed. The swing and his shout scared the bird, and it took off running. With revenge on his mind, Clemens chased after it. They raced around the trees, along the paths, up and down the lawn, through gates and across the garden, out into the fields, “pursuer and pursued.” The guinea stopped singing, and soon Clemens was too worn out to even curse. Hour after hour, the silent, deadly pursuit went on, with both of them taking breaks to rest before starting up again. It felt like something out of a dream. It was almost breakfast time when he finally dragged himself back to the house, and the guinea was resting and panting under a currant bush. Later that day, Clemens told Lewis to “kill and eat that guinea-hen,” which Lewis did. Clemens himself had never eaten a guinea before, but a few years later, in Paris, when he was served the delicious breast of one of those birds, he remembered and said:

“And to think, after chasing that creature all night, John Lewis got to eat him instead of me.”

“And to think, after chasing that thing all night, John Lewis got to eat it instead of me.”

The interest in Tom and Huck, or the inspiration for their adventures, gave out at last, or was superseded by a more immediate demand. As early as May, Goodman, in San Francisco, had seen a play announced there, presenting the character of Colonel Sellers, dramatized by Gilbert S. Densmore and played by John T. Raymond. Goodman immediately wrote Clemens; also a letter came from Warner, in Hartford, who had noticed in San Francisco papers announcements of the play. Of course Clemens would take action immediately; he telegraphed, enjoining the performance. Then began a correspondence with the dramatist and actor. This in time resulted in an amicable arrangement, by which the dramatist agreed to dispose of his version to Clemens. Clemens did not wait for it to arrive, but began immediately a version of his own. Just how much or how little of Densmore's work found its way into the completed play, as presented by Raymond later, cannot be known now. Howells conveys the impression that Clemens had no hand in its authorship beyond the character of Sellers as taken from the book. But in a letter still extant, which Clemens wrote to Howells at the time, he says:

The interest in Tom and Huck, or the inspiration for their adventures, finally faded or was replaced by a more pressing demand. As early as May, Goodman in San Francisco had seen a play there featuring the character of Colonel Sellers, dramatized by Gilbert S. Densmore and performed by John T. Raymond. Goodman immediately wrote to Clemens; a letter also arrived from Warner in Hartford, who noticed the play announcements in the San Francisco papers. Of course, Clemens acted right away; he sent a telegram urging the performance. This led to a correspondence with the dramatist and actor. Eventually, they reached a friendly agreement, in which the dramatist agreed to sell his version to Clemens. Clemens didn't wait for it to arrive; he immediately started working on his own version. It's unclear how much of Densmore's work was included in the final play performed by Raymond later. Howells suggests that Clemens had no role in writing it beyond the character of Sellers from the book. However, in a letter still available, which Clemens wrote to Howells at the time, he says:

    I worked a month on my play, and launched it in New York last
    Wednesday. I believe it will go. The newspapers have been
    complimentary. It is simply a setting for one character, Colonel
    Sellers. As a play I guess it will not bear critical assault in
    force.
    I spent a month on my play and premiered it in New York last Wednesday. I believe it will succeed. The newspapers have been positive. It’s mainly a showcase for one character, Colonel Sellers. As a play, I doubt it can withstand heavy criticism.

The Warners are as charming as ever. They go shortly to the devil for a year—that is, to Egypt.

The Warners are as charming as always. They're about to head to the devil for a year—that is, to Egypt.

Raymond, in a letter which he wrote to the Sun, November 3, 1874, declared that “not one line” of Densmore's dramatization was used, “except that which was taken bodily from The Gilded Age.” During the newspaper discussion of the matter, Clemens himself prepared a letter for the Hartford Post. This letter was suppressed, but it still exists. In it he says:

Raymond, in a letter he wrote to the Sun on November 3, 1874, stated that “not one line” of Densmore's dramatization was used, “except that which was taken directly from The Gilded Age.” During the newspaper debate on the issue, Clemens himself wrote a letter for the Hartford Post. This letter was never published, but it still exists. In it, he expresses:

    I entirely rewrote the play three separate and distinct times. I
    had expected to use little of his [Densmore's] language and but
    little of his plot. I do not think there are now twenty sentences
    of Mr. Densmore's in the play, but I used so much of his plot that I
    wrote and told him that I should pay him about as much more as I had
    already paid him in case the play proved a success. I shall keep my
    word.
    I completely rewrote the play three separate times. I thought I would use very little of his [Densmore's] language and only a small part of his plot. I don’t think there are even twenty sentences from Mr. Densmore in the play, but I used so much of his story that I told him I would pay him about as much more as I had already paid him if the play turned out to be successful. I will keep my promise.

This letter, written while the matter was fresh in his mind, is undoubtedly in accordance with the facts. That Densmore was fully satisfied may be gathered from an acknowledgment, in which he says: “Your letter reached me on the ad, with check. In this place permit me to thank you for the very handsome manner in which you have acted in this matter.”

This letter, written while the matter was still fresh in his mind, clearly reflects the facts. You can tell that Densmore was completely satisfied from his acknowledgment, where he says: “Your letter reached me on the ad, along with the check. Here, I want to thank you for the very generous way you handled this matter.”

Warner, meantime, realizing that the play was constructed almost entirely of the Mark Twain chapters of the book, agreed that his collaborator should undertake the work and financial responsibilities of the dramatic venture and reap such rewards as might result. Various stories have been told of this matter, most of them untrue. There was no bitterness between the friends, no semblance of an estrangement of any sort. Warner very generously and promptly admitted that he was not concerned with the play, its authorship, or its profits, whatever the latter might amount to. Moreover, Warner was going to Egypt very soon, and his labors and responsibilities were doubly sufficient as they stood.

Warner, realizing that the play was mostly based on the Mark Twain chapters of the book, agreed that his collaborator should take on the work and financial responsibilities of the project and enjoy any rewards that might come from it. Many stories have been told about this, but most are untrue. There was no bitterness between the friends, nor any sign of a falling out. Warner generously and quickly admitted that he had no interest in the play, its authorship, or its profits, no matter how much they might be. Furthermore, Warner was heading to Egypt very soon, and his current workload and responsibilities were already more than enough.

Clemens's estimate of the play as a dramatic composition was correct enough, but the public liked it, and it was a financial success from the start. He employed a representative to travel with Raymond, to assist in the management and in the division of spoil. The agent had instructions to mail a card every day, stating the amount of his share in the profits. Howells once arrived in Hartford just when this postal tide of fortune was at its flood:

Clemens's assessment of the play as a dramatic work was accurate enough, but the audience enjoyed it, and it became a financial success right from the beginning. He hired an agent to travel with Raymond, to help with management and share in the profits. The agent was told to send a card every day, detailing his portion of the earnings. Howells happened to arrive in Hartford just when this wave of good fortune was at its peak:

One hundred and fifty dollars—two hundred dollars—three hundred dollars were the gay figures which they bore, and which he flaunted in the air, before he sat down at the table, or rose from it to brandish, and then, flinging his napkin in the chair, walked up and down to exult in.

One hundred fifty dollars—two hundred dollars—three hundred dollars were the bright numbers they displayed, which he waved in the air before sitting down at the table, or getting up to show off, and then, tossing his napkin onto the chair, he paced back and forth to revel in it.

Once, in later years, referring to the matter, Howells said “He was never a man who cared anything about money except as a dream, and he wanted more and more of it to fill out the spaces of this dream.” Which was a true word. Mark Twain with money was like a child with a heap of bright pebbles, ready to pile up more and still more, then presently to throw them all away and begin gathering anew.

Once, in later years, Howells remarked about the situation, "He was never someone who cared about money except as a dream, and he always wanted more and more of it to fill in the gaps of this dream." That was a true statement. Mark Twain with money was like a child with a pile of shiny pebbles, eager to stack them up more and more, only to eventually toss them all away and start collecting again.





XCVI. THE NEW HOME

The Clemenses returned to Hartford to find their new house “ready,” though still full of workmen, decorators, plumbers, and such other minions of labor as make life miserable to those with ambitions for new or improved habitations. The carpenters were still on the lower floor, but the family moved in and camped about in rooms up-stairs that were more or less free from the invader. They had stopped in New York ten days to buy carpets and furnishings, and these began to arrive, with no particular place to put them; but the owners were excited and happy with it all, for it was the pleasant season of the year, and all the new features of the house were fascinating, while the daily progress of the decorators furnished a fresh surprise when they roamed through the rooms at evening. Mrs. Clemens wrote home:

The Clemenses returned to Hartford to find their new house “ready,” though still filled with workers, decorators, plumbers, and other laborers who make life difficult for those looking to create new or improved homes. The carpenters were still on the lower floor, but the family moved in and settled in the upstairs rooms that were mostly free from the chaos. They had spent ten days in New York buying carpets and furnishings, which began to arrive with no specific place to put them; however, the owners were excited and happy about everything, as it was the pleasant season of the year, and all the new features of the house were captivating, while the daily progress of the decorators added a fresh surprise each evening as they explored the rooms. Mrs. Clemens wrote home:

    We are perfectly delighted with everything here and do so want you
    all to see it.
    We are absolutely thrilled with everything here and really want all of you to see it.

Her husband, as he was likely to do, picked up the letter and finished it:

Her husband, as he often did, picked up the letter and read it completely:

    Livy appoints me to finish this; but how can a headless man perform
    an intelligent function? I have been bully-ragged all day by the
    builder, by his foreman, by the architect, by the tapestry devil who
    is to upholster the furniture, by the idiot who is putting down the
    carpets, by the scoundrel who is setting up the billiard-table (and
    has left the balls in New York), by the wildcat who is sodding the
    ground and finishing the driveway (after the sun went down), by a
    book agent, whose body is in the back yard and the coroner notified.
    Just think of this thing going on the whole day long, and I a man
    who loathes details with all his heart! But I haven't lost my
    temper, and I've made Livy lie down most of the time; could anybody
    make her lie down all the time?
    Livy wants me to finish this; but how can someone without a clue get anything done? I’ve been harassed all day by the builder, his foreman, the architect, the guy who's supposed to cover the furniture, the fool laying down the carpets, the jerk setting up the billiard table (who left the balls in New York), the wildcat working on the lawn and driveway (after dark), and a book agent, whose body is in the backyard with the coroner already called. Just imagine this mess going on all day long, and I’m a guy who completely hates details! But I haven’t lost my cool, and I managed to get Livy to lie down most of the time; who could get her to lie down all the time?

Warner wrote from Egypt expressing sympathy for their unfurnished state of affairs, but added, “I would rather fit out three houses and fill them with furniture than to fit out one 'dahabiyeh'.” Warner was at that moment undertaking his charmingly remembered trip up the Nile.

Warner wrote from Egypt expressing sympathy for their difficult situation, but added, “I would rather set up three houses and fill them with furniture than to prepare one 'dahabiyeh.'” Warner was currently on his well-remembered trip up the Nile.

The new home was not entirely done for a long time. One never knows when a big house like that—or a little house, for that matters done. But they were settled at last, with all their beautiful things in place; and perhaps there have been richer homes, possibly more artistic ones, but there has never been a more charming home, within or without, than that one.

The new house took a while to finish. You can never tell when a big house like that—or even a small one—is really done. But they finally settled in, with all their nice things arranged; and sure, there may have been wealthier homes, maybe even more stylish ones, but there’s never been a more delightful home, inside or out, than that one.

So many frequenters have tried to express the charm of that household. None of them has quite succeeded, for it lay not so much in its arrangement of rooms or their decorations or their outlook, though these were all beautiful enough, but rather in the personality, the atmosphere; and these are elusive things to convey in words. We can only see and feel and recognize; we cannot translate them. Even Howells, with his subtle touch, can present only an aspect here and there; an essence, as it were, from a happy garden, rather than the fullness of its bloom.

So many regulars have tried to capture the charm of that household. None of them has really succeeded, because it wasn’t just about the layout of the rooms or their decor or their view, even though all of that was beautiful enough. It was more about the personality, the atmosphere; and those are tricky things to express in words. We can only experience and feel and acknowledge them; we can’t really translate them. Even Howells, with his delicate touch, can only show a sliver here and there; an essence, so to speak, from a lovely garden, rather than the full richness of its bloom.

As Mark Twain was unlike any other man that ever lived, so his house was unlike any other house ever built. People asked him why he built the kitchen toward the street, and he said:

As Mark Twain was unlike any other man who ever lived, his house was unlike any other house ever built. People asked him why he built the kitchen facing the street, and he said:

“So the servants can see the circus go by without running out into the front yard.”

“So the staff can watch the circus pass by without rushing into the front yard.”

But this was probably an after-thought. The kitchen end of the house extended toward Farmington Avenue, but it was by no means unbeautiful. It was a pleasing detail of the general scheme. The main entrance faced at right angles with the street and opened to a spacious hall. In turn, the hall opened to a parlor, where there was a grand piano, and to the dining-room and library, and the library opened to a little conservatory, semicircular in form, of a design invented by Harriet Beecher Stowe. Says Howells:

But this was probably an afterthought. The kitchen end of the house extended toward Farmington Avenue, but it wasn’t unattractive. It was a nice detail of the overall design. The main entrance faced the street at a right angle and opened into a spacious hall. This hall led to a parlor, which had a grand piano, and to the dining room and library, and the library opened to a small conservatory, semicircular in shape, designed by Harriet Beecher Stowe. Says Howells:

    The plants were set in the ground, and the flowering vines climbed
    up the sides and overhung the roof above the silent spray of the
    fountain companied by Callas and other waterloving lilies. There,
    while we breakfasted, Patrick came in from the barn and sprinkled
    the pretty bower, which poured out its responsive perfume in the
    delicate accents of its varied blossoms.
The plants were planted in the ground, and the flowering vines climbed up the sides and hung over the roof above the quiet spray of the fountain, accompanied by Callas and other water-loving lilies. There, while we had breakfast, Patrick came in from the barn and sprinkled the beautiful bower, which released its fragrant scent in the soft notes of its different blossoms.

In the library was an old carved mantel which Clemens and his wife had bought in Scotland, salvage from a dismantled castle, and across the top of the fireplace a plate of brass with the motto, “The ornament of a house is the friends that frequent it,” surely never more appropriately inscribed.

In the library was an old carved mantel that Clemens and his wife had bought in Scotland, salvaged from a dismantled castle, and across the top of the fireplace was a brass plate with the motto, “The ornament of a house is the friends that frequent it,” which couldn’t have been more fitting.

There was the mahogany room, a large bedroom on the ground floor, and upstairs were other spacious bedrooms and many baths, while everywhere were Oriental rugs and draperies, and statuary and paintings. There was a fireplace under a window, after the English pattern, so that in winter-time one could at the same moment watch the blaze and the falling snow. The library windows looked out over the valley with the little stream in it, and through and across the tree-tops. At the top of the house was what became Clemens's favorite retreat, the billiard-room, and here and there were unexpected little balconies, which one could step out upon for the view.

There was the mahogany room, a large bedroom on the ground floor, and upstairs were other spacious bedrooms and several bathrooms, with Oriental rugs and drapes, along with statues and paintings everywhere. There was a fireplace beneath a window, following the English design, so that in winter you could enjoy the fire while watching the snow fall. The library windows overlooked the valley with the small stream and through the treetops. At the top of the house was Clemens's favorite spot, the billiard room, and there were little balconies here and there that you could step out onto to enjoy the view.

Below was a wide, covered veranda, the “ombra,” as they called it, secluded from the public eye—a favorite family gathering-place on pleasant days.

Below was a wide, covered porch, the “ombra,” as they called it, tucked away from the public eye—a favorite spot for the family to gather on nice days.

But a house might easily have all these things without being more than usually attractive, and a house with a great deal less might have been as full of charm; only it seemed just the proper setting for that particular household, and undoubtedly it acquired the personality of its occupants.

But a house could easily have all these things and still not be more than usually appealing, while a house with much less might have been just as charming; it just felt like the perfect backdrop for that particular family, and it definitely took on the personality of its residents.

Howells assures us that there never was another home like it, and we may accept his statement. It was unique. It was the home of one of the most unusual and unaccountable personalities in the world, yet was perfectly and serenely ordered. Mark Twain was not responsible for this blissful condition. He was its beacon-light; it was around Mrs. Clemens that its affairs steadily revolved.

Howells assures us that there has never been another home like it, and we can believe him. It was one of a kind. It was the home of one of the most unique and unpredictable personalities in the world, yet it was perfectly and calmly organized. Mark Twain wasn’t the reason for this happy state. He was its guiding light; everything revolved around Mrs. Clemens and how she managed things.

If in the four years and more of marriage Clemens had made advancement in culture and capabilities, Olivia Clemens also had become something more than the half-timid, inexperienced girl he had first known. In a way her education had been no less notable than his. She had worked and studied, and her half-year of travel and entertainment abroad had given her opportunity for acquiring knowledge and confidence. Her vision of life had vastly enlarged; her intellect had flowered; her grasp of practicalities had become firm and sure.

If in the four years and more of marriage Clemens had made progress in culture and abilities, Olivia Clemens had also become more than the somewhat shy, inexperienced girl he had first known. In a way, her education had been just as significant as his. She had worked hard and studied, and her six months of traveling and having fun abroad had given her the chance to gain knowledge and confidence. Her perspective on life had greatly expanded; her intellect had blossomed; and her understanding of practical matters had become solid and reliable.

In spite of her delicate physical structure, her continued uncertainty of health, she capably undertook the management of their large new house, and supervised its economies. Any one of her undertakings was sufficient for one woman, but she compassed them all. No children had more careful direction than hers. No husband had more devoted attendance and companionship. No household was ever directed with a sweeter and gentler grace, or with greater perfection of detail. When the great ones of the world came to visit America's most picturesque literary figure she gave welcome to them all, and filled her place at his side with such sweet and capable dignity that those who came to pay their duties to him often returned to pay even greater devotion to his companion. Says Howells:

Despite her fragile health and physical condition, she effectively managed their large new house and oversaw its expenses. Each of her tasks would be enough for one woman, yet she handled them all. No children received more attentive care than hers. No husband had a more devoted partner and companion. No household was ever run with such sweet and gentle grace, or with such meticulous attention to detail. When prominent figures from around the world came to visit America's most famous literary figure, she welcomed them all and filled her role beside him with such charm and competence that those who came to pay their respects often returned with even greater admiration for her. Says Howells:

    She was, in a way, the loveliest person I have ever seen—the
    gentlest, the kindest, without a touch of weakness; she united
    wonderful tact with wonderful truth; and Clemens not only accepted
    her rule implicitly, but he rejoiced, he gloried in it.
    She was, in a way, the loveliest person I have ever seen—the
    gentlest, the kindest, without a hint of weakness; she combined amazing tact with incredible honesty; and Clemens not only accepted her authority without question, but he took joy in it, he reveled in it.

And once, in an interview with the writer of these chapters, Howells declared: “She was not only a beautiful soul, but a woman of singular intellectual power. I never knew any one quite like her.” Then he added: “Words cannot express Mrs. Clemens—her fineness, her delicate, her wonderful tact with a man who was in some respects, and wished to be, the most outrageous creature that ever breathed.”

And once, in an interview with the writer of these chapters, Howells said: “She was not just a beautiful person, but a woman of exceptional intelligence. I’ve never met anyone quite like her.” Then he added: “Words can't capture Mrs. Clemens—her grace, her subtlety, her amazing ability to handle a man who was, in some ways, and wanted to be, the most outrageous person who ever lived.”

Howells meant a good many things by that, no doubt: Clemens's violent methods, for one thing, his sudden, savage impulses, which sometimes worked injustice and hardship for others, though he was first to discover the wrong and to repair it only too fully. Then, too, Howells may have meant his boyish teasing tendency to disturb Mrs. Clemens's exquisite sense of decorum.

Howells had a lot in mind when he said that, no doubt: Clemens's intense methods, for one, his sudden, harsh impulses, which sometimes caused unfairness and difficulty for others, even though he was the first to notice the mistake and to fix it, often too thoroughly. Also, Howells might have been referring to his playful teasing that would disrupt Mrs. Clemens's refined sense of propriety.

Once I remember seeing him come into his drawing-room at Hartford in a pair of white cowskin slippers with the hair out, and do a crippled colored uncle, to the joy of all beholders. I must not say all, for I remember also the dismay of Mrs. Clemens, and her low, despairing cry of “Oh, Youth!”

Once, I remember seeing him walk into his living room in Hartford wearing a pair of white cowhide slippers with the fur on the outside, and he performed an impression of a disabled, colorful uncle, which delighted everyone watching. I shouldn’t say everyone, though, because I also remember Mrs. Clemens’s shock and her quiet, desperate exclamation of “Oh, Youth!”

He was continually doing such things as the “crippled colored uncle,”; partly for the very joy of the performance, but partly, too, to disturb her serenity, to incur her reproof, to shiver her a little—“shock” would be too strong a word. And he liked to fancy her in a spirit and attitude of belligerence, to present that fancy to those who knew the measure of her gentle nature. Writing to Mrs. Howells of a picture of herself in a group, he said:

He kept doing things like the “crippled colored uncle,” partly for the fun of it, but also to shake her calm, to get her to scold him, to rattle her a bit—“shock” would be too intense a word. He enjoyed imagining her in a combative mood, presenting that idea to those who understood her gentle nature. Writing to Mrs. Howells about a picture of her in a group, he said:

    You look exactly as Mrs. Clemens does after she has said: “Indeed, I
    do not wonder that you can frame no reply; for you know only too
    well that your conduct admits of no excuse, palliation, or argument
    —none!”
 
    You look just like Mrs. Clemens does after she says: “Honestly, I don't blame you for being speechless; you know full well that your behavior leaves no room for excuses, justifications, or argument—none!”

Clemens would pretend to a visitor that she had been violently indignant over some offense of his; perhaps he would say:

Clemens would act as if she was really upset with a visitor about something he did; maybe he would say:

“Well I contradicted her just now, and the crockery will begin to fly pretty soon.”

“Well, I just contradicted her, and things are about to get messy.”

She could never quite get used to this pleasantry, and a faint glow would steal over her face. He liked to produce that glow. Yet always his manner toward her was tenderness itself. He regarded her as some dainty bit of porcelain, and it was said that he was always following her about with a chair. Their union has been regarded as ideal. That is Twichell's opinion and Howells's. The latter sums up:

She could never really get used to this kind of friendliness, and a faint blush would appear on her face. He enjoyed making her blush. Still, he was always incredibly gentle towards her. He thought of her as a delicate piece of porcelain, and people said he was always trailing after her with a chair. Their relationship has been seen as perfect. That's Twichell's view and Howells's too. The latter sums up:

    Marriages are what the parties to them alone really know them to be,
    but from the outside I should say that this marriage was one of the
    most perfect.
    Marriages are understood only by the people involved, but from an outside perspective, I would say this marriage was one of the most ideal.




XCVII. THE WALK TO BOSTON

The new home became more beautiful to them as things found their places, as the year deepened; and the wonder of autumn foliage lit up their landscape. Sitting on one of the little upper balconies Mrs. Clemens wrote:

The new home became more beautiful to them as everything found its place, as the year went on; and the beauty of the autumn leaves brightened their surroundings. Sitting on one of the small upper balconies, Mrs. Clemens wrote:

    The atmosphere is very hazy, and it makes the autumn tints even more
    soft and beautiful than usual. Mr. Twichell came for Mr. Clemens to
    go walking with him; they returned at dinner-time, heavily laden
    with autumn leaves.
    The atmosphere is pretty hazy, making the fall colors even softer and more beautiful than usual. Mr. Twichell came for Mr. Clemens to go for a walk with him; they returned at dinner time, loaded down with autumn leaves.

And as usual Clemens, finding the letter unfinished, took up the story.

And as always, Clemens, seeing that the letter was unfinished, picked up the story.

    Twichell came up here with me to luncheon after services, and I went
    back home with him and took Susy along in her little carriage. We
    have just got home again, middle of afternoon, and Livy has gone to
    rest and left the west balcony to me. There is a shining and most
    marvelous miracle of cloud-effects mirrored in the brook; a picture
    which began with perfection, and has momently surpassed it ever
    since, until at last it is almost unendurably beautiful....

    There is a cloud-picture in the stream now whose hues are as
    manifold as those in an opal and as delicate as the tintings of a
    sea-shell. But now a muskrat is swimming through it and
    obliterating it with the turmoil of wavelets he casts abroad from
    his shoulders.

    The customary Sunday assemblage of strangers is gathered together in
    the grounds discussing the house.
    Twichell came up here with me for lunch after the service, and I went back home with him while taking Susy along in her little carriage. We just got back home in the middle of the afternoon, and Livy has gone to rest and left me the west balcony. There’s a breathtaking and incredible display of cloud patterns reflected in the brook; a scene that started off perfectly and has been exceeding that perfection moment by moment, until it’s almost unbearably beautiful....

    There’s a cloud reflection in the stream right now with colors as varied as an opal and as delicate as the hues of a seashell. But now a muskrat is swimming through it, disrupting the beauty with the ripples it creates as it moves.

    The usual Sunday gathering of strangers is assembled in the grounds discussing the house.

Twichell and Clemens took a good many walks these days; long walks, for Twichell was an athlete and Clemens had not then outgrown the Nevada habit of pedestrian wandering. Talcott's Tower, a wooden structure about five miles from Hartford, was one of their favorite objective points; and often they walked out and back, talking so continuously, and so absorbed in the themes of their discussions, that time and distance slipped away almost unnoticed. How many things they talked of in those long walks! They discussed philosophies and religions and creeds, and all the range of human possibility and shortcoming, and all the phases of literature and history and politics. Unorthodox discussions they were, illuminating, marvelously enchanting, and vanished now forever. Sometimes they took the train as far as Bloomfield, a little station on the way, and walked the rest of the distance, or they took the train from Bloomfield home. It seems a strange association, perhaps, the fellowship of that violent dissenter with that fervent soul dedicated to church and creed, but the root of their friendship lay in the frankness with which each man delivered his dogmas and respected those of his companion.

Twichell and Clemens went on a lot of walks these days; long walks, because Twichell was athletic and Clemens hadn’t yet shaken off the Nevada habit of wandering on foot. Talcott's Tower, a wooden structure about five miles from Hartford, was one of their favorite destinations; they often walked there and back, talking non-stop and so engrossed in their discussions that they hardly noticed the passage of time or distance. They covered so many topics on those long walks! They talked about philosophies, religions, beliefs, and the entire spectrum of human potential and flaws, as well as various aspects of literature, history, and politics. Their conversations were unconventional, enlightening, incredibly captivating, and now lost forever. Sometimes they took the train to Bloomfield, a small station on the way, and walked the rest of the distance, or they took the train home from Bloomfield. It might seem like an odd pairing, the friendship between that outspoken dissenter and that passionate man devoted to church and doctrine, but the foundation of their friendship was in the honesty with which each expressed his beliefs and the respect he showed for the other's views.

It was during one of their walks to the tower that they planned a far more extraordinary undertaking—nothing less, in fact, than a walk from Hartford to Boston. This was early in November. They did not delay the matter, for the weather was getting too uncertain.

It was during one of their walks to the tower that they planned an even more remarkable adventure—nothing less, in fact, than a walk from Hartford to Boston. This was early in November. They didn't waste any time, since the weather was becoming too unpredictable.

Clemens wrote Redpath:

Clemens wrote to Redpath:

DEAR REDPATH,—Rev. J. H. Twichell and I expect to start at 8 o'clock Thursday morning to walk to Boston in twenty four hours—or more. We shall telegraph Young's Hotel for rooms Saturday night, in order to allow for a low average of pedestrianism.

DEAR REDPATH,—Rev. J. H. Twichell and I plan to leave at 8 o'clock Thursday morning to walk to Boston in twenty-four hours or so. We'll send a telegram to Young's Hotel for rooms on Saturday night to account for a slow pace.

It was half past eight on Thursday morning, November 12, 1874, that they left Twichell's house in a carriage, drove to the East Hartford bridge, and there took to the road, Twichell carrying a little bag and Clemens a basket of lunch.

It was 8:30 AM on Thursday, November 12, 1874, when they left Twichell's house in a carriage, drove to the East Hartford bridge, and then hit the road, with Twichell carrying a small bag and Clemens a lunch basket.

The papers had got hold of it by this time, and were watching the result. They did well enough that first day, following the old Boston stage road, arriving at Westford about seven o'clock in the evening, twenty-eight miles from the starting-point. There was no real hotel at Westford, only a sort of tavern, but it afforded the luxury of rest. “Also,” says Twichell, in a memoranda of the trip, “a sublimely profane hostler whom you couldn't jostle with any sort of mild remark without bringing down upon yourself a perfect avalanche of oaths.”

The news had gotten hold of it by this point and was keeping an eye on the outcome. They did pretty well on that first day, following the old Boston stage road, arriving at Westford around seven in the evening, twenty-eight miles from where they started. There wasn't a real hotel in Westford, just a kind of tavern, but it offered the luxury of rest. “Also,” Twichell notes in a record of the trip, “there was a sublimely profane hostler who you couldn't jostle with any kind of mild comment without unleashing a complete avalanche of curse words.”

This was a joy to Clemens, who sat behind the stove, rubbing his lame knees and fairly reveling in Twichell's discomfiture in his efforts to divert the hostler's blasphemy. There was also a mellow inebriate there who recommended kerosene for Clemens's lameness, and offered as testimony the fact that he himself had frequently used it for stiffness in his joints after lying out all night in cold weather, drunk: altogether it was a notable evening.

This was a delight for Clemens, who sat behind the stove, massaging his bad knees and thoroughly enjoying Twichell's struggle to distract the hostler from his swearing. There was also a tipsy guy there who suggested using kerosene for Clemens's lameness and shared that he often used it for his joint stiffness after spending all night outside in the cold while drunk: all in all, it was quite the memorable evening.

Westford was about as far as they continued the journey afoot. Clemens was exceedingly lame next morning, and had had a rather bad night; but he swore and limped along six miles farther, to North Ashford, then gave it up. They drove from North Ashford to the railway, where Clemens telegraphed Redpath and Howells of their approach. To Redpath:

Westford was about as far as they continued their journey on foot. Clemens was extremely sore the next morning and had a pretty rough night; but he cursed and limped along six miles further to North Ashford, then called it quits. They drove from North Ashford to the train station, where Clemens sent a telegram to Redpath and Howells about their approach. To Redpath:

    We have made thirty-five miles in less than five days. This
    demonstrates that the thing can be done. Shall now finish by rail.
    Did you have any bets on us?
    We’ve traveled thirty-five miles in under five days. This shows that it’s possible. We’ll finish the journey by train now. Did you place any bets on us?

To Howells:

To Howells:

    Arrive by rail at seven o'clock, the first of a series of grand
    annual pedestrian tours from Hartford to Boston to be performed by
    us. The next will take place next year.
    Arrive by train at seven o'clock, the first of a series of grand
    annual walking tours from Hartford to Boston that we will be doing. The next one will happen next year.

Redpath read his despatch to a lecture audience, with effect. Howells made immediate preparation for receiving two way-worn, hungry men. He telegraphed to Young's Hotel: “You and Twichell come right up to 37 Concord Avenue, Cambridge, near observatory. Party waiting for you.”

Redpath read his message to a lecture audience, making an impact. Howells quickly got ready to welcome two tired, hungry men. He sent a telegram to Young's Hotel: “You and Twichell come straight to 37 Concord Avenue, Cambridge, near the observatory. A group is waiting for you.”

They got to Howells's about nine o'clock, and the refreshments were waiting. Miss Longfellow was there, Rose Hawthorne, John Fiske, Larkin G. Mead, the sculptor, and others of their kind. Howells tells in his book how Clemens, with Twichell, “suddenly stormed in,” and immediately began to eat and drink:

They arrived at Howells's around nine o'clock, and the refreshments were ready. Miss Longfellow was there, along with Rose Hawthorne, John Fiske, Larkin G. Mead, the sculptor, and others like them. Howells writes in his book about how Clemens, with Twichell, “suddenly stormed in,” and immediately started eating and drinking:

    I can see him now as he stood up in the midst of our friends, with
    his head thrown back, and in his hand a dish of those escalloped
    oysters without which no party in Cambridge was really a party,
    exulting in the tale of his adventure, which had abounded in the
    most original characters and amusing incidents at every mile of
    their progress.
I can see him now as he stood up among our friends, his head thrown back, holding a plate of those scalloped oysters that were essential for any party in Cambridge, excitedly sharing the story of his adventure, which was filled with unique characters and entertaining moments at every turn.

Clemens gave a dinner, next night, to Howells, Aldrich, Osgood, and the rest. The papers were full of jokes concerning the Boston expedition; some even had illustrations, and it was all amusing enough at the time.

Clemens hosted a dinner the following night for Howells, Aldrich, Osgood, and the others. The newspapers were packed with jokes about the Boston trip; some even included drawings, and it was all quite entertaining at the moment.

Next morning, sitting in the writing-room of Young's Hotel, he wrote a curious letter to Mrs. Clemens, though intended as much for Howells and Aldrich as for her. It was dated sixty-one years ahead, and was a sort of Looking Backwards, though that notable book had not yet been written. It presupposed a monarchy in which the name of Boston has been changed to “Limerick,” and Hartford to “Dublin.” In it, Twichell has become the “Archbishop of Dublin,” Howells “Duke of Cambridge,” Aldrich “Marquis of Ponkapog,” Clemens the “Earl of Hartford.” It was too whimsical and delightful a fancy to be forgotten.—[This remarkable and amusing document will be found under Appendix M, at the end of last volume.]

The next morning, sitting in the writing room of Young's Hotel, he wrote a strange letter to Mrs. Clemens, although it was meant as much for Howells and Aldrich as for her. It was dated sixty-one years in the future and served as a sort of Looking Backwards, even though that famous book hadn't been written yet. It imagined a monarchy where Boston was renamed “Limerick” and Hartford was changed to “Dublin.” In it, Twichell is the “Archbishop of Dublin,” Howells is the “Duke of Cambridge,” Aldrich is the “Marquis of Ponkapog,” and Clemens is the “Earl of Hartford.” It was such a whimsical and delightful idea that it couldn't be forgotten. —[This remarkable and amusing document will be found under Appendix M, at the end of the last volume.]

A long time afterward, thirty-four year, he came across this letter. He said:

A long time later, thirty-four years later, he found this letter. He said:

“It seems curious now that I should have been dreaming dreams of a future monarchy and never suspect that the monarchy was already present and the Republic a thing of the past.”

“It’s interesting to think that I was dreaming about a future monarchy and never realized that the monarchy was already here and the Republic was a thing of the past.”

What he meant, was the political succession that had fostered those commercial trusts which, in turn, had established party dominion.

What he meant was the political succession that had created those commercial trusts which, in turn, had established party control.

To Howells, on his return, Clemens wrote his acknowledgments, and added:

To Howells, upon his return, Clemens wrote his thanks and added:

    Mrs. Clemens gets upon the verge of swearing, and goes tearing
    around in an unseemly fury when I enlarge upon the delightful time
    we had in Boston, and she not there to have her share. I have tried
    hard to reproduce Mrs. Howells to her, and have probably not made a
    shining success of it.
    Mrs. Clemens nearly curses and storms around in anger when I talk about the amazing time we had in Boston, and she wasn't there to enjoy it. I’ve really tried to describe Mrs. Howells to her, but I probably didn’t do a great job.




XCVIII. “OLD TIMES ON THE MISSISSIPPI”

Howells had been urging Clemens to do something more for the Atlantic, specifically something for the January number. Clemens cudgeled his brains, but finally declared he must give it up:

Howells had been pushing Clemens to do something more for the Atlantic, especially for the January issue. Clemens racked his brains, but eventually admitted he had to let it go:

    Mrs. Clemens has diligently persecuted me day by day with urgings to
    go to work and do that something, but it's no use. I find I can't.
    We are in such a state of worry and endless confusion that my head
    won't go.
    Mrs. Clemens has been constantly pestering me every day with demands to get to work and do something, but it’s pointless. I realize I just can’t. We're in such a state of stress and never-ending chaos that I can't think straight.

Two hours later he sent another hasty line:

Two hours later, he sent another quick message:

    I take back the remark that I can't write for the January number,
    for Twichell and I have had a long walk in the woods, and I got to
    telling him about old Mississippi days of steam-boating glory and
    grandeur as I saw them (during four years) from the pilot-house. He
    said, “What a virgin subject to hurl into a magazine!” I hadn't
    thought of that before. Would you like a series of papers to run
    through three months or six or nine—or about four months, say?
I take back what I said about not being able to write for the January issue, because Twichell and I had a long walk in the woods, and I started sharing stories about the old Mississippi days of steam-boating glory and grandeur as I experienced them (for four years) from the pilot-house. He said, “What a fresh topic to pitch to a magazine!” I hadn’t thought of that before. Would you want a series of articles to run for three months, six months, or maybe about four months?

Howells welcomed this offer as an echo of his own thought. He had come from a piloting family himself, and knew the interest that Mark Twain could put into such a series.

Howells welcomed this offer as a reflection of his own ideas. He had come from a family of pilots himself and understood the enthusiasm that Mark Twain could bring to such a series.

Acting promptly under the new inspiration, Clemens forthwith sent the first chapter of that monumental, that absolutely unique, series of papers on Mississippi River life, which to-day constitutes one of his chief claims to immortality.

Acting quickly on his new inspiration, Clemens immediately sent the first chapter of that monumental and truly unique series of papers on Mississippi River life, which today is one of his main claims to lasting fame.

His first number was in the nature of an experiment. Perhaps, after all, the idea would not suit the Atlantic readers.

His first piece was more like a test. Maybe, after all, the concept wouldn’t appeal to Atlantic readers.

“Cut it, scarify it, reject it, handle it with entire freedom,” he wrote, and awaited the result.

“Cut it, scar it, discard it, deal with it however you want,” he wrote, and waited for the outcome.

The “result” was that Howells expressed his delight:

The "result" was that Howells shared his excitement:

    The piece about the Mississippi is capital. It almost made the
    water in our ice-pitcher muddy as I read it. I don't think I shall
    meddle much with it, even in the way of suggestion. The sketch of
    the low-lived little town was so good that I could have wished there
    was more of it. I want the sketches, if you can make them, every
    month.
    The article about the Mississippi is amazing. It nearly clouded the water in our ice pitcher while I was reading it. I don't think I'll interfere much with it, even to offer suggestions. The description of the rundown little town was so well done that I almost wished there was more of it. I’d like to have the sketches, if you can create them, every month.

Mark Twain was now really interested in this new literary venture. He was fairly saturated with memories. He was writing on the theme that lay nearest to his heart. Within ten days he reported that he had finished three of the papers, and had begun the fourth.

Mark Twain was genuinely excited about this new writing project. He was filled with memories. He was writing about the topic that meant the most to him. Within ten days, he said he had completed three of the pieces and had started the fourth.

And yet I have spoken of nothing but piloting as a science so far, and I doubt if I ever get beyond that portion of my subject. And I don't care to. Any Muggins can write about old days on the Mississippi of five hundred different kinds, but I am the only man alive that can scribble about the piloting of that day, and no man has ever tried to scribble about it yet. Its newness pleases me all the time, and it is about the only new subject I know of.

And yet I’ve only talked about piloting as a science so far, and I doubt I’ll ever move on from that part of my topic. Honestly, I’m okay with that. Anyone can write about the good old days on the Mississippi in a million different ways, but I’m the only person around who can write about the piloting during that time, and no one has ever attempted to write about it before. Its freshness excites me constantly, and it’s pretty much the only new subject I’m aware of.

He became so enthusiastic presently that he wanted to take Howells with him on a trip down the Mississippi, with their wives for company, to go over the old ground again and obtain added material enough for a book. Howells was willing enough—agreed to go, in fact—but found it hard to get away. He began to temporize and finally backed out. Clemens tried to inveigle Osgood into the trip, but without success; also John Hay, but Hay had a new baby at his house just then—“three days old, and with a voice beyond price,” he said, offering it as an excuse for non-acceptance. So the plan for revisiting the river and the conclusion of the book were held in abeyance for nearly seven years.

He got so excited that he wanted to take Howells with him on a trip down the Mississippi, along with their wives, to revisit the old sites and gather more material for a book. Howells was open to the idea—he agreed to go, actually—but found it tough to escape. He started to procrastinate and eventually backed out. Clemens tried to persuade Osgood to join the trip, but that didn’t work out; he also approached John Hay, but Hay had a new baby at home—“three days old, and with a voice that's priceless,” he said, using it as an excuse for not going. So, the plan to revisit the river and finish the book was put on hold for nearly seven years.

Those early piloting chapters, as they appeared in the Atlantic, constituted Mark Twain's best literary exhibit up to that time. In some respects they are his best literature of any time. As pictures of an intensely interesting phase of life, they are so convincing, so real, and at the same time of such extraordinary charm and interest, that if the English language should survive a thousand years, or ten times as long, they would be as fresh and vivid at the end of that period as the day they were penned. In them the atmosphere of, the river and its environment—its pictures, its thousand aspects of life—are reproduced with what is no less than literary necromancy. Not only does he make you smell the river you can fairly hear it breathe. On the appearance of the first number John Hay wrote:

Those early piloting chapters, as they were published in the Atlantic, were Mark Twain's best literary work up to that point. In many ways, they are his best writing of any era. As portraits of a deeply fascinating phase of life, they are incredibly convincing and real, exuding extraordinary charm and interest. Even if the English language lasts for a thousand years, or ten times that long, these chapters will still feel as fresh and vivid as the day they were written. They capture the atmosphere of the river and its surroundings—its images and countless facets of life—with what can only be described as literary magic. Not only can you almost smell the river; you can almost hear it breathe. When the first issue came out, John Hay wrote:

“It is perfect; no more nor less. I don't see how you do it,” and added, “you know what my opinion is of time not spent with you.”

“It’s perfect; no more, no less. I don’t understand how you manage it,” and added, “you know how I feel about time not spent with you.”

Howells wrote:

Howells authored:

    You are doing the science of piloting splendidly. Every word
    interesting, and don't you drop the series till you've got every bit
    of anecdote and reminiscence into it.
    You’re doing an amazing job at piloting the science. Every word is engaging, and make sure you don’t end the series until you’ve included every piece of story and memory in it.

He let Clemens write the articles to suit himself. Once he said:

He let Clemens write the articles however he wanted. One time he said:

    If I might put in my jaw at this point I should say, stick to actual
    fact and character in the thing and give things in detail. All that
    belongs to the old river life is novel, and is now mostly
    historical. Don't write at any supposed Atlantic audience, but yarn
    it off as if into my sympathetic ear.
    If I may chime in here, I suggest sticking to real facts and characters in your writing and providing details. Everything related to the old river life is new and is mostly historical now. Don't write for a hypothetical Atlantic audience; share your story as if you're speaking directly to me.

Clemens replied that he had no dread of the Atlantic audience; he declared it was the only audience that did not require a humorist to “paint himself striped and stand on his head to amuse it.”

Clemens responded that he wasn’t afraid of the Atlantic audience; he said it was the only audience that didn’t expect a humorist to “paint himself in stripes and stand on his head to entertain them.”

The “Old Times” papers ran through seven numbers of the Atlantic. They were reprinted everywhere by the newspapers, who in that day had little respect for magazine copyrights, and were promptly pirated in book form in Canada. They added vastly to Mark Twain's literary capital, though Howells informs us that the Atlantic circulation did not thrive proportionately, for the reason that the newspapers gave the articles to their readers from advanced sheets of the magazine, even before the latter could be placed on sale. It so happened that in the January Atlantic, which contained the first of the Mississippi papers, there appeared Robert Dale Owen's article on “Spiritualism,” which brought such humility both to author and publisher because of the exposure of the medium Katie King, which came along while the magazine was in press. Clemens has written this marginal note on the opening page of the copy at Quarry Farm:

The “Old Times” articles went through seven issues of the Atlantic. They were reprinted everywhere by newspapers, which at that time had little regard for magazine copyrights, and were quickly pirated in book form in Canada. They significantly boosted Mark Twain's literary reputation, although Howells tells us that the Atlantic’s circulation didn’t grow accordingly, because the newspapers shared the articles with their readers from advance copies of the magazine before it was even available for sale. Interestingly, in the January Atlantic, which included the first of the Mississippi articles, there was Robert Dale Owen's piece on “Spiritualism,” which humbled both the author and the publisher due to the exposure of the medium Katie King, which occurred while the magazine was being printed. Clemens made this marginal note on the opening page of the copy at Quarry Farm:

While this number of the Atlantic was being printed the Katie King manifestations were discovered to be the cheapest, wretchedest shams and frauds, and were exposed in the newspapers. The awful humiliation of it unseated Robert Dale Owen's reason, and he died in the madhouse.

While this issue of the Atlantic was being printed, the Katie King manifestations were found to be the cheapest, most pathetic scams and were exposed in the newspapers. The devastating humiliation of it drove Robert Dale Owen to madness, and he died in an asylum.





XCIX. A TYPEWRITER, AND A JOKE ON ALDRICH

It was during the trip to Boston with Twichell that Mark Twain saw for the first time what was then—a brand-new invention, a typewriter; or it may have been during a subsequent visit, a week or two later. At all events, he had the machine and was practising on it December 9, 1874, for he wrote two letters on it that day, one to Howells and the other to Orion Clemens. In the latter he says:

It was on a trip to Boston with Twichell that Mark Twain first encountered a brand-new invention at the time—a typewriter; or it might have been during a later visit, a week or two after. In any case, he had the machine and was practicing on it on December 9, 1874, because he wrote two letters on it that day, one to Howells and the other to Orion Clemens. In the latter, he says:

    I am trying to get the hang of this new-fangled writing-machine, but
    am not making a shining success of it. However, this is the first
    attempt I ever have made, and yet I perceive that I shall soon
    easily acquire a fine facility in its use. I saw the thing in
    Boston the other day and was greatly taken with it.
    I'm trying to get the hang of this new writing machine, but I'm not having much luck. However, this is the first time I've ever attempted it, and I can tell that I'll soon get the hang of it. I saw it in Boston the other day and was really impressed.

He goes on to explain the new wonder, and on the whole his first attempt is a very creditable performance. With his usual enthusiasm over an innovation, he believes it is going to be a great help to him, and proclaims its advantages.

He continues to explain the new wonder, and overall his first attempt is quite impressive. With his usual excitement about a new innovation, he thinks it’s going to be a huge help to him and highlights its benefits.

This is the letter to Howells, with the errors preserved:

This is the letter to Howells, with the errors kept intact:

    You needn't answer this; I am only practicing to get three; anothe
    slip-up there; only practici?ng ti get the hang of the thing. I
    notice I miss fire & get in a good many unnecessary letters &
    punctuation marks. I am simply using you for a target to bang at.
    Blame my cats, but this thing requires genius in order to work it
    just right.
    You don't have to respond to this; I'm just practicing to get the hang of it. That was another mistake; I'm only practicing to figure this out. I see that I misfire and end up with a lot of unnecessary letters and punctuation marks. I'm just using you as a target to hit. Blame my cats, but this thing needs skill to operate properly.

In an article written long after he tells how he was with Nasby when he first saw the machine in Boston through a window, and how they went in to see it perform. In the same article he states that he was the first person in the world to apply the type-machine to literature, and that he thinks the story of Tom Sawyer was the first type-copied manuscript.—[Tom Sawyer was not then complete, and had been laid aside. The first type-copied manuscript was probably early chapters of the Mississippi story, two discarded typewritten pages of which still exist.]

In an article written long after, he describes how he was with Nasby when he first saw the machine in Boston through a window, and how they went in to see it in action. In the same article, he claims that he was the first person in the world to use the type-machine for literature, and he believes that the story of Tom Sawyer was the first manuscript to be type-copied. —[Tom Sawyer was not finished at that time and had been put aside. The first type-copied manuscript was likely the early chapters of the Mississippi story, two discarded typewritten pages of which still exist.]

The new enthusiasm ran its course and died. Three months later, when the Remington makers wrote him for a recommendation of the machine, he replied that he had entirely stopped using it. The typewriter was not perfect in those days, and the keys did not always respond readily. He declared it was ruining his morals—that it made him “want to swear.” He offered it to Howells because, he said, Howells had no morals anyway. Howells hesitated, so Clemens traded the machine to Bliss for a side-saddle. But perhaps Bliss also became afraid of its influence, for in due time he brought it back. Howells, again tempted, hesitated, and this time was lost. What eventually became of the machine is not history.

The initial excitement faded away. Three months later, when the Remington makers asked him for a recommendation for the machine, he replied that he had completely stopped using it. The typewriter wasn't perfect back then, and the keys didn't always work smoothly. He claimed it was ruining his morals—making him “want to swear.” He offered it to Howells because, as he said, Howells had no morals anyway. Howells hesitated, so Clemens traded the machine to Bliss for a side-saddle. But maybe Bliss was also worried about its impact, because eventually he brought it back. Howells, tempted once again, hesitated, and this time he missed out. What ultimately happened to the machine remains unknown.

One of those, happy Atlantic dinners which Howells tells of came about the end of that year. It was at the Parker House, and Emerson was there; and Aldrich, and the rest of that group.

One of those enjoyable Atlantic dinners that Howells talks about happened at the end of that year. It was at the Parker House, and Emerson was there, along with Aldrich and the rest of that group.

“Don't you dare to refuse the invitation,” said Howells, and naturally Clemens didn't, and wrote back:

“Don’t you dare refuse the invitation,” Howells said, and of course, Clemens didn’t, and wrote back:

    I want you to ask Mrs. Howells to let you stay all night at the
    Parker House and tell lies and have an improving time, and take
    breakfast with me in the morning. I will have a good room for you
    and a fire. Can't you tell her it always makes you sick to go home
    late at night or something like that? That sort of thing arouses
    Mrs. Clemens's sympathies easily.
    I want you to ask Mrs. Howells if you can stay all night at the
    Parker House and have fun telling stories and enjoying ourselves, and join me for breakfast in the morning. I'll make sure you have a nice room and a fire. Can’t you tell her that it always makes you sick to go home late at night or something like that? That kind of thing easily gets Mrs. Clemens's sympathy.

Two memories of that old dinner remain to-day. Aldrich and Howells were not satisfied with the kind of neckties that Mark Twain wore (the old-fashioned black “string” tie, a Western survival), so they made him a present of two cravats when he set out on his return for Hartford. Next day he wrote:

Two memories of that old dinner stick with me today. Aldrich and Howells weren’t happy with the type of neckties Mark Twain wore (the old-school black “string” tie, a survival from the West), so they gifted him two cravats when he was getting ready to head back to Hartford. The next day he wrote:

    You and Aldrich have made one woman deeply and sincerely grateful
    —Mrs. Clemens. For months—I may even say years—she has shown an
    unaccountable animosity toward my necktie, even getting up in the
    night to take it with the tongs and blackguard it, sometimes also
    getting so far as to threaten it.

    When I said you and Aldrich had given me two new neckties, and that
    they were in a paper in my overcoat pocket, she was in a fever of
    happiness until she found I was going to frame them; then all the
    venom in her nature gathered itself together; insomuch that I, being
    near to a door, went without, perceiving danger.
You and Aldrich have made one woman very grateful—Mrs. Clemens. For months—maybe even years—she has had an inexplicable hatred for my necktie, even getting up at night to grab it with tongs and insult it, sometimes going so far as to threaten it.

When I told her that you and Aldrich had given me two new neckties and that they were in a paper in my overcoat pocket, she was overjoyed until she realized I was planning to frame them; then all the bitterness in her came out, so much so that I, being near the door, decided to leave, sensing trouble.

It is recorded that eventually he wore the neckties, and returned no more to the earlier mode.

It is recorded that eventually he wore the neckties and never went back to the earlier style.

Another memory of that dinner is linked to a demand that Aldrich made of Clemens that night, for his photograph. Clemens, returning to Hartford, put up fifty-two different specimens in as many envelopes, with the idea of sending one a week for a year. Then he concluded that this was too slow a process, and for a week sent one every morning to “His Grace of Ponkapog.”

Another memory from that dinner is tied to a request that Aldrich made of Clemens that night, asking for his photo. When Clemens got back to Hartford, he set aside fifty-two different pictures, each in its own envelope, planning to send one a week for a year. But then he decided that was too slow, so for a week, he sent one every morning to “His Grace of Ponkapog.”

Aldrich stood it for a few days, then protested. “The police,” he said, “are in the habit of swooping down upon a publication of that sort.”

Aldrich put up with it for a few days, then spoke up. “The police,” he said, “usually come down hard on publications like that.”

On New-Year's no less than twenty pictures came at once—photographs and prints of Mark Twain, his house, his family, his various belongings. Aldrich sent a warning then that the perpetrator of this outrage was known to the police as Mark Twain, alias “The Jumping Frog,” a well-known California desperado, who would be speedily arrested and brought to Ponkapog to face his victim. This letter was signed “T. Bayleigh, Chief of Police,” and on the outside of the envelope there was a statement that it would be useless for that person to send any more mail-matter, as the post-office had been blown up. The jolly farce closed there. It was the sort of thing that both men enjoyed.

On New Year's, no less than twenty pictures came all at once—photos and prints of Mark Twain, his house, his family, and his various belongings. Aldrich sent a warning that the culprit behind this prank was known to the police as Mark Twain, also known as “The Jumping Frog,” a notorious California outlaw, who would soon be arrested and brought to Ponkapog to face his victim. This letter was signed “T. Bayleigh, Chief of Police,” and on the outside of the envelope, there was a note stating that it would be pointless for that person to send any more mail, as the post office had been blown up. The amusing farce ended there. It was exactly the kind of thing both men enjoyed.

Aldrich was writing a story at this time which contained some Western mining incident and environment. He sent the manuscript to Clemens for “expert” consideration and advice. Clemens wrote him at great length and in careful detail. He was fond of Aldrich, regarding him as one of the most brilliant of men. Once, to Robert Louis Stevenson, he said:

Aldrich was writing a story at this time that featured some incidents and settings related to Western mining. He sent the manuscript to Clemens for “expert” feedback and advice. Clemens responded in detail, writing at length. He had a deep admiration for Aldrich, seeing him as one of the brightest people. Once, he mentioned to Robert Louis Stevenson:

    “Aldrich has never had his peer for prompt and pithy and witty and
    humorous sayings. None has equaled him, certainly none has
    surpassed him, in the felicity of phrasing with which he clothed
    these children of his fancy. Aldrich is always brilliant; he can't
    help it; he is a fire-opal set round with rose diamonds; when he is
    not speaking you know that his dainty fancies are twinkling and
    glimmering around in him; when he speaks the diamonds flash. Yes,
    he is always brilliant, he will always be brilliant; he will be
    brilliant in hell-you will see.”
 
    “Aldrich has never had anyone quite like him for quick, sharp, witty, and humorous remarks. No one has matched him, and certainly no one has surpassed him, in the skillful way he expresses these ideas from his imagination. Aldrich is always brilliant; he can't help it; he is a fire-opal surrounded by rose diamonds; when he’s quiet, you can tell that his delicate ideas are sparkling and shimmering within him; when he speaks, the diamonds shine. Yes, he is always brilliant, he will always be brilliant; he will be brilliant in hell—you’ll see.”

Stevenson, smiling a chuckly smile, said, “I hope not.”

Stevenson, grinning, said, “I hope not.”

“Well, you will, and he will dim even those ruddy fires and look like a transfigured Adonis backed against a pink sunset.”—[North American Review, September, 1906.]

“Well, you will, and he will even dull those bright flames and look like a transformed Adonis set against a pink sunset.”—[North American Review, September, 1906.]





C. RAYMOND, MENTAL TELEGRAPHY, ETC.

The Sellers play was given in Hartford, in January (1875), to as many people as could crowd into the Opera House. Raymond had reached the perfection of his art by that time, and the townsmen of Mark Twain saw the play and the actor at their best. Kate Field played the part of Laura Hawkins, and there was a Hartford girl in the company; also a Hartford young man, who would one day be about as well known to playgoers as any playwright or actor that America has produced. His name was William Gillette, and it was largely due to Mark Twain that the author of Secret Service and of the dramatic “Sherlock Holmes” got a fair public start. Clemens and his wife loaned Gillette the three thousand dollars which tided him through his period of dramatic education. Their faith in his ability was justified.

The Sellers' play was performed in Hartford in January (1875) to a packed audience at the Opera House. By that time, Raymond had perfected his craft, and the people of Mark Twain experienced the performance and the actor at their finest. Kate Field portrayed Laura Hawkins, and there was a girl from Hartford in the cast; there was also a young man from Hartford who would eventually become as well-known to theatergoers as any playwright or actor that America has produced. His name was William Gillette, and it was largely thanks to Mark Twain that the author of Secret Service and the dramatic "Sherlock Holmes" received a solid boost in his career. Clemens and his wife lent Gillette three thousand dollars, which helped him get through his period of training in theater. Their belief in his talent was well-founded.

Hartford would naturally be enthusiastic on a first “Sellers-Raymond” night. At the end of the fourth act there was an urgent demand for the author of the play, who was supposed to be present. He was not there in person, but had sent a letter, which Raymond read:

Hartford was understandably excited on the first “Sellers-Raymond” night. At the end of the fourth act, there was a strong request for the playwright, who was expected to be there. He wasn’t present in person, but he had sent a letter that Raymond read:

MY DEAR RAYMOND,—I am aware that you are going to be welcomed to our town by great audiences on both nights of your stay there, and I beg to add my hearty welcome also, through this note. I cannot come to the theater on either evening, Raymond, because there is something so touching about your acting that I can't stand it.

MY DEAR RAYMOND,—I know you’ll be greeted by huge crowds during your two nights in our town, and I want to extend my warm welcome as well through this note. I can’t make it to the theater on either night, Raymond, because there's something so moving about your acting that I just can’t handle it.

(I do not mention a couple of colds in my head, because I hardly mind them as much as I would the erysipelas, but between you and me I would prefer it if they were rights and lefts.)

(I do not mention a couple of colds in my head because I hardly mind them as much as I would the erysipelas, but between you and me, I would prefer it if they were right and left.)

And then there is another thing. I have always taken a pride in earning my living in outside places and spending it in Hartford; I have said that no good citizen would live on his own people, but go forth and make it sultry for other communities and fetch home the result; and now at this late day I find myself in the crushed and bleeding position of fattening myself upon the spoils of my brethren! Can I support such grief as this? (This is literary emotion, you understand. Take the money at the door just the same.)

And then there’s another thing. I’ve always been proud of making my living in different places and spending it in Hartford; I’ve said that no good citizen should rely on their own community but should go out and make it tough for other towns and bring back the rewards. And now, at this late stage, I find myself in the awful position of profiting off the struggles of my neighbors! Can I really bear such sorrow? (This is a bit of dramatic flair, you know. Just take the money at the door anyway.)

Once more I welcome you to Hartford, Raymond, but as for me let me stay at home and blush.

Once again, I welcome you to Hartford, Raymond, but for me, I’ll just stay home and feel embarrassed.

                         Yours truly,  MARK.
Best, MARK.

The play was equally successful wherever it went. It made what in that day was regarded as a fortune. One hundred thousand dollars is hardly too large an estimate of the amount divided between author and actor. Raymond was a great actor in that part, as he interpreted it, though he did not interpret it fully, or always in its best way. The finer side, the subtle, tender side of Colonel Sellers, he was likely to overlook. Yet, with a natural human self-estimate, Raymond believed he had created a much greater part than Mark Twain had written. Doubtless from the point of view of a number of people this was so, though the idea, was naturally obnoxious to Clemens. In course of time their personal relations ceased.

The play was just as successful everywhere it was shown. It made what was considered a huge amount of money back then. One hundred thousand dollars is not an exaggeration of the money split between the author and the actor. Raymond was an amazing actor in that role, as he portrayed it, even though he didn’t fully capture it or always do it in the best way. He was likely to miss the finer, more subtle, and tender aspects of Colonel Sellers. Still, with a natural sense of self-importance, Raymond thought he had created a much bigger role than what Mark Twain had written. For many people, this was probably true, though the thought was understandably offensive to Clemens. Eventually, their personal relationship faded away.

Clemens that winter gave another benefit for Father Hawley. In reply to an invitation to appear in behalf of the poor, he wrote that he had quit the lecture field, and would not return to the platform unless driven there by lack of bread. But he added:

Clemens that winter held another benefit for Father Hawley. In response to an invitation to speak on behalf of the poor, he wrote that he had stepped away from the lecture circuit and wouldn’t come back to the stage unless forced by hunger. But he added:

By the spirit of that remark I am debarred from delivering this proposed lecture, and so I fall back upon the letter of it, and emerge upon the platform for this last and final time because I am confronted by a lack of bread-among Father Hawley's flock.

Because of the meaning behind that comment, I'm prevented from giving this proposed lecture, so I'm sticking to the literal content of it, and I'm stepping onto the stage for this last time because I'm faced with a shortage of food among Father Hawley's community.

He made an introductory speech at an old-fashioned spelling-bee, given at the Asylum Hill Church; a breezy, charming talk of which the following is a sample:

He gave an introductory speech at a traditional spelling bee held at the Asylum Hill Church; a light, engaging talk of which the following is a sample:

    I don't see any use in spelling a word right—and never did. I mean
    I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of
    spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook
    all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing. I
    have a correspondent whose letters are always a refreshment to me;
    there is such a breezy, unfettered originality about his
    orthography. He always spells “kow” with a large “K.” Now that is
    just as good as to spell it with a small one. It is better. It
    gives the imagination a broader field, a wider scope. It suggests
    to the mind a grand, vague, impressive new kind of a cow.

    He took part in the contest, and in spite of his early reputation,
    was spelled down on the word “chaldron,” which he spelled
    “cauldron,” as he had been taught, while the dictionary used as
    authority gave that form as second choice.
I don't see the point in spelling a word correctly—and I never have. I mean, I don’t see why we need a standard and random way to spell words. We might as well make all clothes the same and cook all meals the same. Similarity is boring; variety is enjoyable. I have a pen pal whose letters are always a breath of fresh air for me; there’s such a lively, unrestricted creativity in his spelling. He always spells "kow" with a capital "K." That’s just as valid as spelling it with a lowercase one. In fact, it’s better. It opens up the imagination, giving it a broader canvas, a wider range. It conjures up a grand, vague, impressive new kind of cow.

He participated in the contest, and despite his earlier reputation, he was eliminated on the word "chaldron," which he spelled "cauldron," as he had learned, while the dictionary used as authority listed that form as a second option.

Another time that winter, Clemens read before the Monday Evening Club a paper on “Universal Suffrage,” which is still remembered by the surviving members of that time. A paragraph or two will convey its purport:

Another time that winter, Clemens presented a paper on “Universal Suffrage” to the Monday Evening Club, which the surviving members still remember. A paragraph or two will convey its meaning:

    Our marvelous latter-day statesmanship has invented universal
    suffrage. That is the finest feather in our cap. All that we
    require of a voter is that he shall be forked, wear pantaloons
    instead of petticoats, and bear a more or less humorous resemblance
    to the reported image of God. He need not know anything whatever;
    he may be wholly useless and a cumberer of the earth; he may even be
    known to be a consummate scoundrel. No matter. While he can steer
    clear of the penitentiary his vote is as weighty as the vote of a
    president, a bishop, a college professor, a merchant prince. We
    brag of our universal, unrestricted suffrage; but we are shams after
    all, for we restrict when we come to the women.
Our amazing modern leadership has created universal voting rights. That's our greatest achievement. All we ask from a voter is that they identify as male, wear pants instead of skirts, and resemble the traditional image of God in a somewhat funny way. They don’t need to know anything at all; they can be completely useless and a burden to society; they might even be known as a total crook. It doesn’t matter. As long as they stay out of jail, their vote holds as much power as the vote of a president, a bishop, a college professor, or a wealthy businessman. We brag about our universal, unrestricted voting rights; but in reality, we’re hypocrites because we restrict it when it comes to women.

The Monday Evening Club was an organization which included the best minds of Hartford. Dr. Horace Bushnell, Prof. Calvin E. Stowe, and J. Hammond Trumbull founded it back in the sixties, and it included such men as Rev. Dr. Parker, Rev. Dr. Burton, Charles H. Clark, of the Courant, Warner, and Twichell, with others of their kind. Clemens had been elected after his first sojourn in England (February, 1873), and had then read a paper on the “License of the Press.” The club met alternate Mondays, from October to May. There was one paper for each evening, and, after the usual fashion of such clubs, the reading was followed by discussion. Members of that time agree that Mark Twain's association with the club had a tendency to give it a life, or at least an exhilaration, which it had not previously known. His papers were serious in their purpose he always preferred to be serious—but they evidenced the magic gift which made whatever he touched turn to literary jewelry.

The Monday Evening Club was a group that brought together the brightest minds of Hartford. Dr. Horace Bushnell, Prof. Calvin E. Stowe, and J. Hammond Trumbull started it in the sixties, and it featured people like Rev. Dr. Parker, Rev. Dr. Burton, Charles H. Clark from the Courant, Warner, and Twichell, among others. Clemens was elected after his first trip to England (February, 1873), and he then presented a paper on the “License of the Press.” The club met every other Monday from October to May. Each meeting featured one paper, and, following the usual format for such clubs, the reading was followed by a discussion. Members from that time agree that Mark Twain's involvement with the club brought a vitality, or at least an energy, that it hadn't had before. His papers had a serious intent—he always preferred to be serious—but they showed the magical talent that made everything he touched turn into literary treasures.

Psychic theories and phenomena always attracted Mark Twain. In thought-transference, especially, he had a frank interest—an interest awakened and kept alive by certain phenomena—psychic manifestations we call them now. In his association with Mrs. Clemens it not infrequently happened that one spoke the other's thought, or perhaps a long-procrastinated letter to a friend would bring an answer as quickly as mailed; but these are things familiar to us all. A more startling example of thought-communication developed at the time of which we are writing, an example which raised to a fever-point whatever interest he may have had in the subject before. (He was always having these vehement interests—rages we may call them, for it would be inadequate to speak of them as fads, inasmuch as they tended in the direction of human enlightenment, or progress, or reform.)

Psychic theories and phenomena have always intrigued Mark Twain. He had a genuine interest in thought-transference, driven and sustained by certain phenomena—what we now refer to as psychic manifestations. In his time with Mrs. Clemens, it wasn’t unusual for them to express each other’s thoughts, or for a long-overdue letter to a friend to receive a reply almost instantly after being sent; these experiences are familiar to all of us. A more surprising example of thought communication emerged during the period we’re discussing, one that intensified his existing interest in the topic. (He frequently had these intense passions—let’s call them obsessions, since it would be too simplistic to label them as fads, given that they often pointed towards human enlightenment, progress, or reform.)

Clemens one morning was lying in bed when, as he says, “suddenly a red-hot new idea came whistling down into my camp.” The idea was that the time was ripe for a book that would tell the story of the Comstock-of the Nevada silver mines. It seemed to him that the person best qualified for the work was his old friend William Wright—Dan de Quille. He had not heard from Dan, or of him, for a long time, but decided to write and urge him to take up the idea. He prepared the letter, going fully into the details of his plan, as was natural for him to do, then laid it aside until he could see Bliss and secure his approval of the scheme from a publishing standpoint. Just a week later, it was the 9th of March, a letter came—a thick letter bearing a Nevada postmark, and addressed in a handwriting which he presently recognized as De Quille's. To a visitor who was present he said:

Clemens was lying in bed one morning when, as he puts it, “suddenly a bright new idea rushed into my mind.” The idea was that it was the perfect time for a book about the Comstock and the silver mines of Nevada. He thought that the best person for the job was his old friend William Wright—Dan de Quille. He hadn’t heard from Dan in a while, but he decided to write to him and encourage him to take on the project. He crafted a detailed letter outlining his plan, as was typical for him, and set it aside until he could talk to Bliss and get his approval from a publishing perspective. Just a week later, on March 9th, a letter arrived—a thick letter with a Nevada postmark, addressed in handwriting he quickly recognized as De Quille's. To a visitor who was there, he said:

“Now I will do a miracle. I will tell you everything this letter contains—date, signature, and all without breaking the seal.”

“Now I’m going to do something amazing. I’ll tell you everything that’s in this letter—date, signature, and everything—without breaking the seal.”

He stated what he believed was in the letter. Then he opened it and showed that he had correctly given its contents, which were the same in all essential details as those of his own letter, not yet mailed.

He said what he thought was in the letter. Then he opened it and proved that he had accurately described its content, which was the same in all key aspects as his own letter, which he hadn't mailed yet.

In an article on “Mental Telegraphy” (he invented the name) he relates this instance, with others, and in 'Following the Equator' and elsewhere he records other such happenings. It was one of the “mysteries” in which he never lost interest, though his concern in it in time became a passive one.

In an article on “Mental Telegraphy” (he came up with the term), he shares this example, along with others, and in 'Following the Equator' and other places, he documents similar events. It was one of the “mysteries” that he always found intriguing, although over time, his interest in it became more passive.

The result of the De Quille manifestation, however, he has not recorded. Clemens immediately wrote, urging Dan to come to Hartford for an extended visit. De Quille came, and put in a happy spring in his old comrade's luxurious home, writing 'The Big Bonanza', which Bliss successfully published a year later.

The result of the De Quille manifestation, however, he has not recorded. Clemens quickly wrote, asking Dan to come to Hartford for a longer visit. De Quille came and brought a lively energy to his old friend's luxurious home, writing 'The Big Bonanza', which Bliss successfully published a year later.

Mark Twain was continually inviting old friends to share his success with him. Any comrade of former days found welcome in his home as often as he would come, and for as long as he would stay. Clemens dropped his own affairs to advise in their undertakings; and if their undertakings were literary he found them a publisher. He did this for Joaquin Miller and for Bret Harte, and he was always urging Goodman to make his house a home.

Mark Twain was always inviting old friends to celebrate his success with him. Any buddy from the past was welcome in his home whenever they came by, and for however long they wanted to stay. Clemens set aside his own projects to help them with theirs; if their projects were literary, he helped them find a publisher. He did this for Joaquin Miller and Bret Harte, and he constantly encouraged Goodman to make his house feel like a home.

The Beecher-Tilton trial was the sensation of the spring of 1875, and Clemens, in common with many others, was greatly worked up over it. The printed testimony had left him decidedly in doubt as to Beecher's innocence, though his blame would seem to have been less for the possible offense than because of the great leader's attitude in the matter. To Twichell he said:

The Beecher-Tilton trial was the talk of the spring of 1875, and Clemens, like many others, was really caught up in it. The published testimony had him seriously questioning Beecher's innocence, but his criticism seemed more focused on the prominent leader's attitude regarding the situation than the alleged wrongdoing itself. To Twichell he said:

“His quibbling was fatal. Innocent or guilty, he should have made an unqualified statement in the beginning.”

“His nitpicking was disastrous. Whether innocent or guilty, he should have made a clear statement from the start.”

Together they attended one of the sessions, on a day when Beecher himself was on the witness-stand. The tension was very great; the excitement was painful. Twichell thought that Beecher appeared well under the stress of examination and was deeply sorry for him; Clemens was far from convinced.

Together they went to one of the sessions, on a day when Beecher himself was on the witness stand. The tension was high; the excitement was intense. Twichell thought that Beecher handled the pressure of the examination well and felt deeply sorry for him; Clemens was not convinced at all.

The feeling was especially strong in Hartford, where Henry Ward Beecher's relatives were prominent, and animosities grew out of it. They are all forgotten now; most of those who cherished bitterness are dead. Any feeling that Clemens had in the matter lasted but a little while. Howells tells us that when he met him some months after the trial ended, and was tempted to mention it, Clemens discouraged any discussion of the event. Says Howells:

The feeling was especially intense in Hartford, where Henry Ward Beecher's relatives were well-known, and tensions arose from it. They're all forgotten now; most of those who held onto the bitterness are gone. Any feelings that Clemens had about it didn’t last long. Howells tells us that when he ran into Clemens a few months after the trial wrapped up, and was inclined to bring it up, Clemens shut down any talk about the event. Howells says:

    He would only say the man had suffered enough; as if the man had
    expiated his wrong, and he was not going to do anything to renew his
    penalty. I found that very curious, very delicate. His continued
    blame could not come to the sufferer's knowledge, but he felt it his
    duty to forbear it.
    He would only say the man had been through enough; as if the man had atoned for his mistakes, and he wasn't going to do anything to increase his punishment. I found that very interesting, very subtle. His ongoing blame couldn't reach the sufferer's awareness, but he felt it was his duty to hold back.

It was one hundred years, that 19th of April, since the battles of Lexington and Concord, and there was to be a great celebration. The Howellses had visited Hartford in March, and the Clemenses were invited to Cambridge for the celebration. Only Clemens could go, which in the event proved a good thing perhaps; for when Clemens and Howells set out for Concord they did not go over to Boston to take the train, but decided to wait for it at Cambridge. Apparently it did not occur to them that the train would be jammed the moment the doors were opened at the Boston station; but when it came along they saw how hopeless was their chance. They had special invitations and passage from Boston, but these were only mockeries now. It yeas cold and chilly, and they forlornly set out in search of some sort of a conveyance. They tramped around in the mud and raw wind, but vehicles were either filled or engaged, and drivers and occupants were inclined to jeer at them. Clemens was taken with an acute attack of indigestion, which made him rather dismal and savage. Their effort finally ended with his trying to run down a tally-ho which was empty inside and had a party of Harvard students riding atop. The students, who did not recognize their would-be fare, enjoyed the race. They encouraged their pursuer, and perhaps their driver, with merriment and cheers. Clemens was handicapped by having to run in the slippery mud, and soon “dropped by the wayside.”

It had been one hundred years since the battles of Lexington and Concord on April 19th, and a big celebration was planned. The Howellses had visited Hartford in March, and the Clemenses were invited to Cambridge for the festivities. Only Clemens could attend, which turned out to be a good thing; when Clemens and Howells set off for Concord, they decided not to go to Boston to catch the train, but to wait for it in Cambridge. Apparently, it didn’t occur to them that the train would be packed the moment the doors opened at the Boston station; but when it arrived, they realized how unlikely their chances were. They had special invitations and tickets from Boston, but those were now just empty promises. It was cold and chilly, and they set off hopelessly in search of some kind of ride. They trudged through the mud and biting wind, but all the vehicles were either full or already booked, and the drivers and passengers tended to mock them. Clemens suffered an intense bout of indigestion, which made him feel pretty miserable and irritable. Their efforts ended when he tried to chase after an empty tally-ho that had a group of Harvard students riding on top. The students, who didn’t recognize their would-be passenger, found the chase amusing. They cheered and encouraged both Clemens and their driver. However, Clemens struggled to run in the slippery mud and soon “fell by the wayside.”

“I am glad,” says Howells, “I cannot recall what he said when he came back to me.”

“I’m glad,” says Howells, “I can’t remember what he said when he got back to me.”

They hung about a little longer, then dragged themselves home, slipped into the house, and built up a fine, cheerful fire on the hearth. They proposed to practise a deception on Mrs. Howells by pretending they had been to Concord and returned. But it was no use. Their statements were flimsy, and guilt was plainly written on their faces. Howells recalls this incident delightfully, and expresses the belief that the humor of the situation was finally a greater pleasure to Clemens than the actual visit to Concord would have been.

They lingered for a bit longer, then dragged themselves home, snuck into the house, and started a nice, warm fire in the fireplace. They planned to trick Mrs. Howells by pretending they had been to Concord and back. But it didn't work. Their stories were weak, and guilt was clearly visible on their faces. Howells remembers this incident fondly and believes that the humor of the situation was ultimately more enjoyable for Clemens than the actual visit to Concord would have been.

Twichell did not have any such trouble in attending the celebration. He had adventures (he was always having adventures), but they were of a more successful kind. Clemens heard the tale of them when he returned to Hartford. He wrote it to Howells:

Twichell didn't have any issues attending the celebration. He always had adventures, but they were the more successful kind. Clemens learned about them when he got back to Hartford. He wrote it to Howells:

    Joe Twichell preached morning and evening here last Sunday; took
    midnight train for Boston; got an early breakfast and started by
    rail at 7.30 A.M. for Concord; swelled around there until 1 P.M.,
    seeing everything; then traveled on top of a train to Lexington; saw
    everything there; traveled on top of a train to Boston (with
    hundreds in company), deluged with dust, smoke, and cinders; yelled
    and hurrahed all the way like a school-boy; lay flat down, to dodge
    numerous bridges, and sailed into the depot howling with excitement
    and as black as a chimneysweep; got to Young's Hotel at 7 P.M.; sat
    down in the reading-room and immediately fell asleep; was promptly
    awakened by a porter, who supposed he was drunk; wandered around an
    hour and a half; then took 9 P.M. train, sat down in a smoking-car,
    and remembered nothing more until awakened by conductor as the train
    came into Hartford at 1.30 A.M. Thinks he had simply a glorious
    time, and wouldn't have missed the Centennial for the world. He
    would have run out to see us a moment at Cambridge but he was too
    dirty. I wouldn't have wanted him there; his appalling energy would
    have been an insufferable reproach to mild adventurers like you and
    me.
Joe Twichell preached both in the morning and evening last Sunday; took the midnight train to Boston; had an early breakfast and left by train at 7:30 A.M. for Concord; hung around there until 1 P.M., checking out all the sights; then rode on top of a train to Lexington; explored everything there; traveled on top of a train to Boston (with hundreds of others), covered in dust, smoke, and ashes; cheered and shouted all the way like a kid; lay flat to avoid hitting several bridges, and arrived at the depot howling with excitement and as dirty as a chimney sweep; got to Young's Hotel at 7 P.M.; sat in the reading room and instantly fell asleep; was quickly woken up by a porter, who thought he was drunk; wandered around for an hour and a half; then took the 9 P.M. train, sat in a smoking car, and remembered nothing else until the conductor woke him as the train arrived in Hartford at 1:30 A.M. He thinks he had an absolutely amazing time and wouldn't have missed the Centennial for anything. He would have come to see us for a moment in Cambridge, but he was too dirty. I wouldn't have wanted him there; his overwhelming energy would have been a painful reminder to laid-back adventurers like you and me.




CI. CONCLUDING “TOM SAWYER”—MARK TWAIN's “EDITORS”

Meantime the “inspiration tank,” as Clemens sometimes called it, had filled up again. He had received from somewhere new afflatus for the story of Tom and Huck, and was working on it steadily. The family remained in Hartford, and early in July, under full head of steam, he brought the story to a close. On the 5th he wrote Howells:

Meantime, the "inspiration tank," as Clemens sometimes referred to it, had filled up again. He had received fresh ideas for the story of Tom and Huck and was making steady progress on it. The family stayed in Hartford, and by early July, full of energy, he finished the story. On the 5th, he wrote to Howells:

    I have finished the story and didn't take the chap beyond boyhood.
    I believe it would be fatal to do it in any shape but
    autobiographically, like Gil Blas. I perhaps made a mistake in not
    writing it in the first person. If I went on now, and took him into
    manhood, he would just lie, like all the one-horse men in
    literature, and the reader would conceive a hearty contempt for him.
    It is not a boy's book at all. It will only be read by adults. It
    is only written for adults.
I’ve finished the story and didn’t take the character past childhood. I think it would be a mistake to do it in any way other than autobiographically, like Gil Blas. I might have messed up by not writing it in the first person. If I went on now and made him an adult, he would just end up being boring, like all the one-dimensional characters in literature, and the reader would develop a strong disdain for him. It’s not a boy's book at all. It will only be read by adults. It’s written solely for adults.

He would like to see the story in the Atlantic, he said, but doubted the wisdom of serialization.

He said he would like to see the story in the Atlantic, but he wasn’t sure if serialization was a smart idea.

“By and by I shall take a boy of twelve and run him through life (in the first person), but not Tom Sawyer, he would not make a good character for it.” From which we get the first glimpse of Huck's later adventures.

“Eventually, I will take a twelve-year-old boy and narrate his life (in the first person), but not Tom Sawyer; he wouldn’t be a good character for it.” From this, we get our first glimpse of Huck's later adventures.

Of course he wanted Howells to look at the story. It was a tremendous favor to ask, he said, and added, “But I know of no other person whose judgment I could venture to take, fully and entirely. Don't hesitate to say no, for I know how your time is taxed, and I would have honest need to blush if you said yes.”

Of course he wanted Howells to check out the story. It was a huge favor to ask, he said, and added, “But I can't think of anyone else's opinion I could trust completely. Please don’t hesitate to say no, because I know how busy you are, and I would genuinely feel embarrassed if you said yes.”

“Send on your MS.,” wrote Howells. “You've no idea what I may ask you to do for me some day.”

“Send me your manuscript,” Howells wrote. “You have no idea what I might ask you to do for me someday.”

But Clemens, conscience-stricken, “blushed and weakened,” as he said. When Howells insisted, he wrote:

But Clemens, feeling guilty, “blushed and weakened,” as he put it. When Howells pressed him, he wrote:

    But I will gladly send it to you if you will do as follows:
    dramatize it, if you perceive that you can, and take, for your
    remuneration, half of the first $6,000 which I receive for its
    representation on the stage. You could alter the plot entirely if
    you chose. I could help in the work most cheerfully after you had
    arranged the plot. I have my eye upon two young girls who can play
    Tom and Huck.
But I'll be happy to send it to you if you do the following: make it dramatic, if you think you can, and take half of the first $6,000 I get for its performance on stage. You can completely change the plot if you want. I would gladly help with the work once you’ve set up the storyline. I have my eye on two young girls who can play Tom and Huck.

Howells in his reply urged Clemens to do the playwriting himself. He could never find time, he said, and he doubted whether he could enter into the spirit of another man's story. Clemens did begin a dramatization then or a little later, but it was not completed. Mrs. Clemens, to whom he had read the story as it proceeded, was as anxious as her husband for Howells's opinion, for it was the first extended piece of fiction Mark Twain had undertaken alone. He carried the manuscript over to Boston himself, and whatever their doubts may have been, Howells's subsequent letter set them at rest. He wrote that he had sat up till one in the morning to get to the end of it, simply because it was impossible to leave off.

Howells in his response encouraged Clemens to write the play himself. He mentioned he could never find the time and doubted he could really connect with someone else's story. Clemens started working on a dramatization soon after, but he didn't finish it. Mrs. Clemens, who he had read the story to as he was writing, was just as eager as her husband to hear Howells's thoughts, since this was the first major piece of fiction Mark Twain had done on his own. He personally took the manuscript to Boston, and whatever concerns they might have had, Howells's later letter put them at ease. He wrote that he had stayed up until one in the morning to finish it because he simply couldn't put it down.

      It is altogether the best boy story I ever read. It will be an immense
      success, but I think you ought to treat it explicitly as a boy's story;
      grown-ups will enjoy it just as much if you do, and if you should put it
      forth as a story of boys' character from the grown-up point of view you
      give the wrong key to it.
    
      It's honestly the best boy story I've ever read. It’s going to be a huge success, but I think you should present it clearly as a boy's story; adults will enjoy it just as much if you do, and if you present it as a story about boys' character from an adult perspective, you'll miss the point.

Viewed in the light of later events, there has never been any better literary opinion than that—none that has been more fully justified.

Seen in light of later events, there has never been a better literary opinion than that—none that has been more fully justified.

Clemens was delighted. He wrote concerning a point here and there, one inquiry referring to the use of a certain strong word. Howells's reply left no doubt:

Clemens was thrilled. He wrote about a few things, including a question about the use of a particular strong word. Howells's response made it clear:

    I'd have that swearing out in an instant. I suppose I didn't notice
    it because the location was so familiar to my Western sense, and so
    exactly the thing Huck would say, but it won't do for children.
I'd get that swearing out in a heartbeat. I guess I didn't notice it because the place felt so familiar to my Western perspective, and it sounded just like something Huck would say, but it's not appropriate for kids.

It was in the last chapter, where Huck relates to Tom the sorrows of reform and tells how they comb him “all to thunder.” In the original, “They comb me all to hell,” says Huck; which statement, one must agree, is more effective, more the thing Huck would be likely to say.

It was in the last chapter, where Huck shares with Tom the challenges of reform and explains how they mess with his hair “all to thunder.” In the original, “They comb me all to hell,” says Huck; which, honestly, is more powerful and is exactly what Huck would probably say.

Clemens's acknowledgment of the correction was characteristic:

Clemens's acknowledgment of the correction was typical:

    Mrs. Clemens received the mail this morning, and the next minute she
    lit into the study with danger in her eye and this demand on her
    tongue, “Where is the profanity Mr. Howells speaks of?” Then I had
    to miserably confess that I had left it out when reading the MS. to
    her. Nothing but almost inspired lying got me out of this scrape
    with my scalp. Does your wife give you rats, like that, when you go
    a little one-sided?
    Mrs. Clemens got the mail this morning, and the next minute she stormed into the study with fire in her eyes and this demand on her lips, “Where is the profanity Mr. Howells talks about?” Then I had to sadly admit that I had left it out when I read the manuscript to her. Only some really clever lying saved me from this mess with my skin intact. Does your wife do that to you when you go a little off track?

The Clemens family did not go to Elmira that year. The children's health seemed to require the sea-shore, and in August they went to Bateman's Point, Rhode Island, where Clemens most of the time played tenpins in an alley that had gone to ruin. The balls would not stay on the track; the pins stood at inebriate angles. It reminded him of the old billiard-tables of Western mining-camps, and furnished the same uncertainty of play. It was his delight, after he had become accustomed to the eccentricities of the alley, to invite in a stranger and watch his suffering and his frantic effort to score.

The Clemens family didn’t go to Elmira that year. The kids’ health seemed to need some time at the beach, so in August, they went to Bateman's Point, Rhode Island, where Clemens spent most of his time playing bowling in a rundown alley. The balls wouldn’t stay on the lane, and the pins were tilted at weird angles. It reminded him of the old pool tables in Western mining camps, offering the same unpredictability in gameplay. Once he got used to the alley's quirks, he enjoyed inviting a stranger in to watch them struggle and desperately try to score.





CII. “SKETCHES NEW AND OLD”

The long-delayed book of Sketches, contracted for five years before, was issued that autumn. “The Jumping Frog,” which he had bought from Webb, was included in the volume, also the French translation which Madame Blanc (Th. Bentzon) had made for the Revue des deux mondes, with Mark Twain's retranslation back into English, a most astonishing performance in its literal rendition of the French idiom. One example will suffice here. It is where the stranger says to Smiley, “I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog.”

The long-delayed book of Sketches, which had been contracted for five years earlier, was released that fall. “The Jumping Frog,” which he had purchased from Webb, was included in the collection, along with the French translation that Madame Blanc (Th. Bentzon) created for the Revue des deux mondes, plus Mark Twain's retranslation back into English, a truly impressive feat in capturing the French idiom literally. One example will suffice here. It's where the stranger tells Smiley, “I don't see any points about that frog that are better than any other frog.”

Says the French, retranslated:

Says the French, retranslated:

“Eh bien! I no saw not that that frog had nothing of better than each frog” (Je ne vois pas que cette grenouille ait mieux qu'aucune grenouille). (If that isn't grammar gone to seed then I count myself no judge.—M. T.)

“Well! I didn’t see that this frog had anything better than any other frog.” (If that isn't grammar gone to seed, then I don’t consider myself a judge.—M. T.)

“Possible that you not it saw not,” said Smiley; “possible that you you comprehend frogs; possible that you not you there comprehend nothing; possible that you had of the experience, and possible that you not be but an amateur. Of all manner (de toute maniere) I bet forty dollars that she batter in jumping, no matter which frog of the county of Calaveras.”

"Maybe you didn't see it," said Smiley; "maybe you understand frogs; maybe you don't understand anything; maybe you had some experience, and maybe you're just an amateur. Either way, I bet forty dollars that she can jump better, no matter which frog in Calaveras County."

He included a number of sketches originally published with the Frog, also a selection from the “Memoranda” and Buffalo Express contributions, and he put in the story of Auntie Cord, with some matter which had never hitherto appeared. True Williams illustrated the book, but either it furnished him no inspiration or he was allowed too much of another sort, for the pictures do not compare with his earlier work.

He included several sketches that were first published with the Frog, along with selections from the “Memoranda” and contributions to the Buffalo Express, and he added the story of Auntie Cord, including some content that had never been seen before. True Williams illustrated the book, but either he found no inspiration or was given too much freedom, because the illustrations don’t match the quality of his earlier work.

Among the new matter in the book were-“Some Fables for Good Old Boys and Girls,” in which certain wood creatures are supposed to make a scientific excursion into a place at some time occupied by men. It is the most pretentious feature of the book, and in its way about as good as any. Like Gulliver's Travels, its object was satire, but its result is also interest.

Among the new content in the book were "Some Fables for Good Old Boys and Girls," where certain woodland creatures take a scientific trip to a place once occupied by humans. It's the most ambitious part of the book, and in its own way, it's just as good as any. Like Gulliver's Travels, its purpose was satire, but it also sparks interest.

Clemens was very anxious that Howells should be first to review this volume. He had a superstition that Howells's verdicts were echoed by the lesser reviewers, and that a book was made or damned accordingly; a belief hardly warranted, for the review has seldom been written that meant to any book the difference between success and failure. Howells's review of Sketches may be offered as a case in point. It was highly commendatory, much more so than the notice of the 'Innocents' had been, or even that of 'Roughing It', also more extensive than the latter. Yet after the initial sale of some twenty thousand copies, mainly on the strength of the author's reputation, the book made a comparatively poor showing, and soon lagged far behind its predecessors.

Clemens was really anxious for Howells to be the first to review this volume. He believed that Howells's opinions influenced the lesser reviewers and that a book's fate depended on it; this belief was probably unfounded, as there are few reviews that actually determine whether a book succeeds or fails. Howells's review of Sketches is a clear example. It was very positive, even more so than the review of the 'Innocents' or even that of 'Roughing It', and it was also more detailed than the latter. Yet, after an initial sale of about twenty thousand copies, largely based on the author's reputation, the book performed relatively poorly and quickly fell behind its predecessors.

We cannot judge, of course, the taste of that day, but it appears now an unattractive, incoherent volume. The pictures were absurdly bad, the sketches were of unequal merit. Many of them are amusing, some of them delightful, but most of them seem ephemeral. If we except “The Jumping Frog,” and possibly “A True Story” (and the latter was altogether out of place in the collection), there is no reason to suppose that any of its contents will escape oblivion. The greater number of the sketches, as Mark Twain himself presently realized and declared, would better have been allowed to die.

We can’t really judge the taste of that time, but it now seems like an unattractive, disjointed book. The illustrations were ridiculously bad, and the sketches varied in quality. Some are funny, a few are charming, but most seem forgettable. If we exclude “The Jumping Frog” and maybe “A True Story” (which really didn’t fit in with the collection), there’s no reason to think that any of it will be remembered. Most of the sketches, as Mark Twain himself eventually acknowledged, would have been better off left unmentioned.

Howells did, however, take occasion to point out in his review, or at least to suggest, the more serious side of Mark Twain. He particularly called attention to “A True Story,” which the reviewers, at the time of its publication in the Atlantic, had treated lightly, fearing a lurking joke in it; or it may be they had not read it, for reviewers are busy people. Howells spoke of it as the choicest piece of work in the volume, and of its “perfect fidelity to the tragic fact.” He urged the reader to turn to it again, and to read it as a “simple dramatic report of reality,” such as had been equaled by no other American writer.

Howells did, however, take the opportunity to point out in his review, or at least to suggest, the more serious side of Mark Twain. He specifically highlighted “A True Story,” which the reviewers had taken lightly at the time of its publication in the Atlantic, fearing there was a hidden joke in it; or perhaps they hadn’t read it, since reviewers are busy people. Howells described it as the best piece in the collection and noted its “perfect fidelity to the tragic fact.” He encouraged readers to revisit it and to see it as a “simple dramatic report of reality,” something that had not been matched by any other American writer.

It was in this volume of sketches that Mark Twain first spoke in print concerning copyright, showing the absurd injustice of discriminating against literary ownership by statute of limitation. He did this in the form of an open petition to Congress, asking that all property, real and personal, should be put on the copyright basis, its period of ownership limited to a “beneficent term of forty-two years.” Generally this was regarded as a joke, as in a sense it was; but like most of Mark Twain's jokes it was founded on reason and justice.

It was in this collection of sketches that Mark Twain first discussed copyright in writing, highlighting the ridiculous unfairness of treating literary ownership differently because of the statute of limitations. He did this as an open petition to Congress, requesting that all property, both real and personal, be subject to copyright laws, with the ownership period set at a "beneficent term of forty-two years." Most people saw this as a joke, which it partly was; but, like many of Mark Twain's jokes, it was rooted in reason and justice.

The approval with which it was received by his literary associates led him to still further flights. He began a determined crusade for international copyright laws. It was a transcendental beginning, but it contained the germ of what, in the course of time, he would be largely instrumental in bringing to a ripe and magnificent conclusion. In this first effort he framed a petition to enact laws by which the United States would declare itself to be for right and justice, regardless of other nations, and become a good example to the world by refusing to pirate the books of any foreign author. He wrote to Howells, urging him to get Lowell, Longfellow, Holmes, Whittier, and others to sign this petition.

The support he received from his literary peers pushed him to aim even higher. He started a determined campaign for international copyright laws. It was an ambitious beginning, but it contained the seed of what, over time, he would greatly help to achieve. In this initial effort, he drafted a petition to create laws that would have the United States stand for what is right and just, regardless of other countries, and set a good example for the world by not stealing the works of any foreign author. He wrote to Howells, asking him to get Lowell, Longfellow, Holmes, Whittier, and others to sign this petition.

      I will then put a gentlemanly chap under wages, and send him personally to
      every author of distinction in the country and corral the rest of the
      signatures. Then I'll have the whole thing lithographed (about one
      thousand copies), and move upon the President and Congress in person, but
      in the subordinate capacity of the party who is merely the agent of better
      and wiser men, or men whom the country cannot venture to laugh at. I will
      ask the President to recommend the thing in his message (and if he should
      ask me to sit down and frame the paragraph for him I should blush, but
      still I would frame it). And then if Europe chooses to go on stealing from
      us we would say, with noble enthusiasm, “American lawmakers do steal, but
      not from foreign authors—not from foreign authors,”.... If we only
      had some God in the country's laws, instead of being in such a sweat to
      get Him into the Constitution, it would be better all around.
    
I’ll hire a decent guy and send him personally to every notable author in the country to gather the rest of the signatures. Then I'll have about a thousand copies lithographed and approach the President and Congress directly, but in a more humble role as someone representing the interests of smarter and more reputable men—men that the country should respect. I’ll ask the President to include this in his message, and even if he asks me to sit down and write the paragraph for him, I’d feel a bit embarrassed, but I’d do it anyway. Then if Europe decides to keep taking from us, we’ll proudly declare, “American lawmakers do take, but not from foreign authors—not from foreign authors.” If only we could have some divine presence in the country’s laws instead of trying so hard to squeeze Him into the Constitution, it would be much better for everyone.

The petition never reached Congress. Holmes agreed to sign it with a smile, and the comment that governments were not in the habit of setting themselves up as high moral examples, except for revenue. Longfellow also pledged himself, as did a few others; but if there was any general concurrence in the effort there is no memory of it now. Clemens abandoned the original idea, but remained one of the most persistent and influential advocates of copyright betterment, and lived to see most of his dream fulfilled.—[For the petition concerning copyright term in the United States, see Sketches New and Old. For the petition concerning international copyright and related matters, see Appendix N, at the end of last volume.]

The petition never made it to Congress. Holmes agreed to sign it with a smile and remarked that governments typically don’t set themselves up as moral examples, except when it comes to making money. Longfellow also committed to it, along with a few others, but if there was any widespread agreement on the initiative, it’s forgotten now. Clemens gave up on the original idea but remained one of the most dedicated and influential supporters of improving copyright laws, and he lived to see most of his vision come true.—[For the petition concerning copyright term in the United States, see Sketches New and Old. For the petition concerning international copyright and related matters, see Appendix N, at the end of the last volume.]





CIII. “ATLANTIC” DAYS

It was about this period that Mark Twain began to exhibit openly his more serious side; that is to say his advocacy of public reforms. His paper on “Universal Suffrage” had sounded a first note, and his copyright petitions were of the same spirit. In later years he used to say that he had always felt it was his mission to teach, to carry the banner of moral reconstruction, and here at forty we find him furnishing evidences of this inclination. In the Atlantic for October, 1875, there was published an unsigned three-page article entitled, “The Curious Republic of Gondour.” In this article was developed the idea that the voting privilege should be estimated not by the individuals, but by their intellectual qualifications. The republic of Gondour was a Utopia, where this plan had been established:

It was around this time that Mark Twain started to openly show his more serious side, particularly his support for public reforms. His paper on “Universal Suffrage” marked the beginning, and his copyright petitions reflected the same spirit. In later years, he would say that he always believed it was his mission to educate and promote moral improvement, and at forty we see him demonstrating this tendency. In the October 1875 issue of the Atlantic, an unsigned three-page article titled “The Curious Republic of Gondour” was published. In this article, the idea was presented that the right to vote should be evaluated not by the individuals themselves, but by their intellectual qualifications. The republic of Gondour was a Utopia where this approach had been put into practice:

    It was an odd idea and ingenious. You must understand the
    constitution gave every man a vote; therefore that vote was a vested
    right, and could not be taken away. But the constitution did not
    say that certain individuals might not be given two votes or ten.
    So an amendatory clause was inserted in a quiet way, a clause which
    authorized the enlargement of the suffrage in certain cases to be
    specified by statute....

    The victory was complete. The new law was framed and passed. Under
    it every citizen, howsoever poor or ignorant, possessed one vote, so
    universal suffrage still reigned; but if a man possessed a good
    common-school education and no money he had two votes, a high-school
    education gave him four; if he had property, likewise, to the value
    of three thousand sacos he wielded one more vote; for every fifty
    thousand sacos a man added to his property, he was entitled to
    another vote; a University education entitled a man to nine votes,
    even though he owned no property.
It was a strange and clever idea. You see, the constitution gave every man a vote, making it a right that couldn’t be taken away. But the constitution didn’t specify that some people couldn’t be given two or even ten votes. So a change was quietly added, allowing for an expansion of voting rights in certain situations defined by law....

The victory was total. The new law was created and approved. Under this law, every citizen, no matter how poor or uneducated, had one vote, so universal suffrage still existed; however, if a man had a basic education and no money, he received two votes, while a high school education earned him four votes. If he owned property worth three thousand sacos, he got one additional vote; for every fifty thousand sacos added to his property, he was allowed another vote. A university education qualified a person for nine votes, even if he had no property.

The author goes on to show the beneficent results of this enaction; how the country was benefited and glorified by this stimulus toward enlightenment and industry. No one ever suspected that Mark Twain was the author of this fable. It contained almost no trace of his usual literary manner. Nevertheless he wrote it, and only withheld his name, as he did in a few other instances, in the fear that the world might refuse to take him seriously over his own signature or nom de plume.

The author highlights the positive outcomes of this law; how the country was improved and enhanced by this push for knowledge and productivity. Nobody ever guessed that Mark Twain was behind this tale. It showed almost none of his typical writing style. Still, he wrote it, and only chose to keep his name off, like in a few other cases, out of concern that people might not take him seriously under his own name or pen name.

Howells urged him to follow up the “Gondour” paper; to send some more reports from that model land. But Clemens was engaged in other things by that time, and was not pledged altogether to national reforms.

Howells encouraged him to continue with the “Gondour” paper and to send more reports from that ideal place. However, Clemens was busy with other matters by then and wasn't fully committed to national reforms.

He was writing a skit about a bit of doggerel which was then making nights and days unhappy for many undeserving persons who in an evil moment had fallen upon it in some stray newspaper corner. A certain car line had recently adopted the “punch system,” and posted in its cars, for the information of passengers and conductor, this placard:

He was writing a short play about a piece of bad poetry that was making many innocent people unhappy day and night after they had stumbled upon it in some random corner of a newspaper. A particular train line had recently introduced the “punch system,” and had put up this sign in its cars for the information of passengers and conductors:

A Blue Trip Slip for an 8 Cents Fare, A Buff Trip Slip for a 6 Cents Fare, A Pink Trip Slip for a 3 Cents Fare, For Coupon And Transfer, Punch The Tickets.

A Blue Trip Slip for an 8 Cent Fare, A Buff Trip Slip for a 6 Cent Fare, A Pink Trip Slip for a 3 Cent Fare, For Coupon And Transfer, Punch The Tickets.

Noah Brooks and Isaac Bromley were riding down-town one evening on the Fourth Avenue line, when Bromley said:

Noah Brooks and Isaac Bromley were riding downtown one evening on the Fourth Avenue line when Bromley said:

“Brooks, it's poetry. By George, it's poetry!”

“Brooks, it's poetry. Seriously, it’s poetry!”

Brooks followed the direction of Bromley's finger and read the card of instructions. They began perfecting the poetic character of the notice, giving it still more of a rhythmic twist and jingle; arrived at the Tribune office, W. C. Wyckoff, scientific editor, and Moses P. Handy lent intellectual and poetic assistance, with this result:

Brooks glanced where Bromley pointed and read the instruction card. They started refining the poetic aspects of the notice, adding even more rhythm and flair; when they got to the Tribune office, W. C. Wyckoff, the scientific editor, and Moses P. Handy provided their intellectual and poetic input, leading to this outcome:

       Conductor, when you receive a fare,

       Punch in the presence of the passenjare!
       A blue trip slip for an eight-cent fare,
       A buff trip slip for a six-cent fare,
       A pink trip slip for a three-cent fare.
       Punch in the presence of the passenjare!

    CHORUS
       Punch, brothers! Punch with care!
       Punch in the presence of the passenjare!
       Conductor, when you collect a fare,

       Punch in front of the passenger!
       A blue trip slip for an eight-cent fare,
       A buff trip slip for a six-cent fare,
       A pink trip slip for a three-cent fare.
       Punch in front of the passenger!

    CHORUS
       Punch, brothers! Punch with care!
       Punch in front of the passenger!

It was printed, and street-car poetry became popular. Different papers had a turn at it, and each usually preceded its own effort with all other examples, as far as perpetrated. Clemens discovered the lines, and on one of their walks recited them to Twichell. “A Literary Nightmare” was written a few days later. In it the author tells how the jingle took instant and entire possession of him and went waltzing through his brain; how, when he had finished his breakfast, he couldn't tell whether he had eaten anything or not; and how, when he went to finish the novel he was writing, and took up his pen, he could only get it to say:

It was published, and streetcar poetry gained popularity. Various newspapers took their turn at it, usually introducing their own contributions with examples from others that had been published. Clemens found the verses and recited them to Twichell during one of their walks. “A Literary Nightmare” was written a few days later. In it, the author describes how the catchy tune completely took over his mind and danced through his thoughts; how, after finishing his breakfast, he couldn’t even remember if he had eaten anything; and how, when he tried to continue the novel he was writing and picked up his pen, he could only get it to write:

Punch in the presence of the passenjare.

Punch in front of the passengers.

He found relief at last in telling it to his reverend friend, that is, Twichell, upon whom he unloaded it with sad results.

He finally found some relief by sharing it with his pastor friend, Twichell, who he confided in, though it ended up having unfortunate consequences.

It was an amusing and timely skit, and is worth reading to-day. Its publication in the Atlantic had the effect of waking up horse-car poetry all over the world. Howells, going to dine at Ernest Longfellow's the day following its appearance, heard his host and Tom Appleton urging each other to “Punch with care.” The Longfellow ladies had it by heart. Boston was devastated by it. At home, Howells's children recited it to him in chorus. The streets were full of it; in Harvard it became an epidemic.

It was a funny and timely skit, and it’s worth reading today. Its publication in the Atlantic woke up horse-car poetry all over the world. Howells, going to dinner at Ernest Longfellow's the day after it came out, heard his host and Tom Appleton urging each other to “Punch with care.” The Longfellow ladies had it memorized. Boston was buzzing about it. At home, Howells's kids recited it to him in unison. The streets were full of it; in Harvard, it became an epidemic.

It was transformed into other tongues. Even Swinburne, the musical, is said to have done a French version for the 'Revue des deux mondes'. * A St. Louis magazine, The Western, found relief in a Latin anthem with this chorus:

It was translated into other languages. Even Swinburne, the lyrical poet, supposedly created a French version for the 'Revue des deux mondes'. * A magazine from St. Louis, The Western, found solace in a Latin anthem featuring this chorus:

Pungite, fratres, pungite, Pungite cum amore, Pungite pro vectore, Diligentissime pungite.

Poke, brothers, poke, Poke with love, Poke for the carrier, Poke very diligently.

              * LE CHANT DU CONDUCTEUR

           Ayant ete paye, le conducteur
           Percera en pleine vue du voyageur,
           Quand il regoit trois sous un coupon vert,
           Un coupon jaune pour six sous c'est l'affaire,
           Et pour huit sous c'est un coupon couleur
           De rose, en pleine vue du voyageur.

       CHOEUR
           Donc, percez soigneusement, mes freres
           Tout en pleine vue des voyageurs, etc.
              * THE CONDUCTOR'S SONG

           Once paid, the conductor
           Will punch in full view of the traveler,
           When he receives three cents a green ticket,
           A yellow ticket for six cents is the deal,
           And for eight cents, it's a pink ticket
           Clearly visible to the traveler.

       CHORUS
           So, punch carefully, my brothers
           Right in full view of the travelers, etc.




CIV. MARK TWAIN AND HIS WIFE

Clemens and his wife traveled to Boston for one of those happy fore-gatherings with the Howellses, which continued, at one end of the journey or another, for so many years. There was a luncheon with Longfellow at Craigie House, and, on the return to Hartford, Clemens reported to Howells how Mrs. Clemens had thrived on the happiness of the visit. Also he confesses his punishment for the usual crimes:

Clemens and his wife traveled to Boston for one of those joyful gatherings with the Howellses, which went on, at one end of the journey or another, for many years. There was a lunch with Longfellow at Craigie House, and on the way back to Hartford, Clemens told Howells how much Mrs. Clemens had enjoyed the happiness of the visit. He also admitted his usual faults:

    I “caught it” for letting Mrs. Howells bother and bother about her
    coffee, when it was a “good deal better than we get at home.” I
    “caught it” for interrupting Mrs. C. at the last moment and losing
    her the opportunity to urge you not to forget to send her that MS.
    when the printers are done with it. I “caught it” once more for
    personating that drunken Colonel James. I “caught it” for
    mentioning that Mr. Longfellow's picture was slightly damaged; and
    when, after a lull in the storm, I confessed, shamefacedly, that I
    had privately suggested to you that we hadn't any frames, and that
    if you wouldn't mind hinting to Mr. Houghton, etc., etc., etc., the
    madam was simply speechless for the space of a minute. Then she
    said:

    “How could you, Youth! The idea of sending Mr. Howells, with his
    sensitive nature, upon such a repulsive er—”

    “Oh, Howells won't mind it! You don't know Howells. Howells is a
    man who—”

    She was gone. But George was the first person she stumbled on in
    the hall, so she took it out of George. I am glad of that, because
    it saved the babies.
I got in trouble for letting Mrs. Howells fuss about her coffee, which was "a lot better than what we have at home." I got in trouble for interrupting Mrs. C. at the last minute and missing the chance to remind you to send her that manuscript when the printers finished with it. I got in trouble again for impersonating that drunk Colonel James. I got in trouble for mentioning that Mr. Longfellow's picture was slightly damaged; and when, after a break in the tension, I sheepishly admitted that I had privately suggested to you that we didn’t have any frames, and that if you wouldn’t mind hinting to Mr. Houghton, etc., etc., etc., the madam was just speechless for a whole minute. Then she said:

“How could you, Youth! The idea of sending Mr. Howells, with his sensitive nature, on such a repulsive errand—”

“Oh, Howells won’t mind it! You don’t know Howells. Howells is a man who—”

She was gone. But George was the first person she ran into in the hall, so she let it out on him. I'm glad about that because it saved the kids.

Clemens used to admit, at a later day, that his education did not advance by leaps and bounds, but gradually, very gradually; and it used to give him a pathetic relief in those after-years, when that sweet presence had gone out of his life, to tell the way of it, to confess over-fully, perhaps, what a responsibility he had been to her.

Clemens later admitted that his education didn’t progress quickly, but slowly, very slowly; and it gave him a bittersweet relief in those later years, after that sweet presence had left his life, to share how it was, to perhaps overly confess what a burden he had been to her.

He used to tell how, for a long time, he concealed his profanity from her; how one morning, when he thought the door was shut between their bedroom and the bathroom, he was in there dressing and shaving, accompanying these trying things with language intended only for the strictest privacy; how presently, when he discovered a button off the shirt he intended to put on, he hurled it through the window into the yard with appropriate remarks, followed it with another shirt that was in the same condition, and added certain collars and neckties and bath-room requisites, decorating the shrubbery outside, where the people were going by to church; how in this extreme moment he heard a slight cough and turned to find that the door was open! There was only one door to the bath-room, and he knew he had to pass her. He felt pale and sick, and sat down for a few moments to consider. He decided to assume that she was asleep, and to walk out and through the room, head up, as if he had nothing on his conscience. He attempted it, but without success. Half-way across the room he heard a voice suddenly repeat his last terrific remark. He turned to see her sitting up in bed, regarding him with a look as withering as she could find in her gentle soul. The humor of it struck him.

He used to talk about how for a long time he hid his swearing from her; how one morning, thinking the door between their bedroom and the bathroom was shut, he was in there getting dressed and shaving, using language he thought was only meant for the strictest privacy; how, when he realized a button was missing from the shirt he wanted to wear, he threw it out the window into the yard with fitting remarks, followed by another shirt in the same state, and tossed out some collars, neckties, and bathroom essentials, decorating the bushes outside where people were passing by to go to church; how in that moment he heard a slight cough and turned to find the door was open! There was only one door to the bathroom, and he knew he had to walk past her. He felt pale and sick and sat down for a moment to think. He decided to act like she was asleep and walk out of the room confidently, as if he had nothing to worry about. He tried it, but it didn’t work. Halfway across the room, he heard a voice suddenly repeat his last shocking comment. He turned to see her sitting up in bed, looking at him with the most disapproving expression she could muster from her gentle soul. The humor of it hit him.

“Livy,” he said, “did it sound like that?”

“Livy,” he said, “did it sound like that?”

“Of course it did,” she said, “only worse. I wanted you to hear just how it sounded.”

“Of course it did,” she said, “only it was worse. I wanted you to hear exactly how it sounded.”

“Livy,” he said, “it would pain me to think that when I swear it sounds like that. You got the words right, Livy, but you don't know the tune.”

“Livy,” he said, “it would hurt me to think that when I swear it sounds like that. You got the words right, Livy, but you don't know the tune.”

Yet he never willingly gave her pain, and he adored her and gloried in her dominion, his life long. Howells speaks of his beautiful and tender loyalty to her as the “most moving quality of his most faithful soul.”

Yet he never willingly made her suffer, and he loved her and took pride in her power, his entire life. Howells describes his beautiful and tender loyalty to her as the “most moving quality of his most faithful soul.”

It was a greater part of him than the love of most men for their wives, and she merited all the worship he could give her, all the devotion, all the implicit obedience, by her surpassing force and beauty of character.

It was a bigger part of him than most men's love for their wives, and she deserved all the praise he could offer her, all the loyalty, all the unquestioning obedience, because of her extraordinary strength and beauty of character.

She guarded his work sacredly; and reviewing the manuscripts which he was induced to discard, and certain edited manuscripts, one gets a partial idea of what the reading world owes to Olivia Clemens. Of the discarded manuscripts (he seems seldom to have destroyed them) there are a multitude, and among them all scarcely one that is not a proof of her sanity and high regard for his literary honor. They are amusing—some of them; they are interesting—some of them; they are strong and virile—some of them; but they are unworthy—most of them, though a number remain unfinished because theme or interest failed.

She protected his work like it was sacred, and by looking over the manuscripts he was persuaded to throw away, as well as some edited ones, you can get a glimpse of what the reading world owes to Olivia Clemens. He rarely destroyed his discarded manuscripts, and there are many of them. Among all these, almost every one shows her sound judgment and deep respect for his literary reputation. Some of them are entertaining, some are intriguing, and some are powerful and robust, but most are not quite good enough, although a few are left unfinished because they lost their theme or interest.

Mark Twain was likely to write not wisely but too much, piling up hundreds of manuscript pages only because his brain was thronging as with a myriad of fireflies, a swarm of darting, flashing ideas demanding release. As often as not he began writing with only a nebulous idea of what he proposed to do. He would start with a few characters and situations, trusting in Providence to supply material as needed. So he was likely to run ashore any time. As for those other attempts—stories “unavailable” for one reason or another—he was just as apt to begin those as the better sort, for somehow he could never tell the difference. That is one of the hall-marks of genius—the thing which sharply differentiates genius from talent. Genius is likely to rate a literary disaster as its best work. Talent rarely makes that mistake.

Mark Twain often wrote not just wisely but way too much, churning out hundreds of pages of manuscript simply because his mind was buzzing like a swarm of fireflies, filled with a flurry of bright, exciting ideas that needed to come out. More often than not, he would start writing with only a vague idea of what he was aiming for. He would begin with a few characters and situations, trusting that fate would provide more material as he went along. This meant he was likely to hit a dead end at any moment. As for those other stories that were "unavailable" for various reasons, he was just as likely to start those as he was the better ones, since he could never really tell the difference. That’s one of the defining traits of genius—the thing that sharply sets genius apart from talent. Genius is likely to consider a literary failure its best work. Talent seldom makes that mistake.

Among the abandoned literary undertakings of these early years of authorship there is the beginning of what was doubtless intended to become a book, “The Second Advent,” a story which opens with a very doubtful miraculous conception in Arkansas, and leads only to grotesquery and literary disorder. There is another, “The Autobiography of a Damn Fool,” a burlesque on family history, hopelessly impossible; yet he began it with vast enthusiasm and, until he allowed her to see the manuscript, thought it especially good. “Livy wouldn't have it,” he said, “so I gave it up.” There is another, “The Mysterious Chamber,” strong and fine in conception, vividly and intensely interesting; the story of a young lover who is accidentally locked behind a secret door in an old castle and cannot announce himself. He wanders at last down into subterranean passages beneath the castle, and he lives in this isolation for twenty years. The question of sustenance was the weak point in the story. Clemens could invent no way of providing it, except by means of a waste or conduit from the kitchen into which scraps of meat, bread, and other items of garbage were thrown. This he thought sufficient, but Mrs. Clemens did not highly regard such a literary device. Clemens could think of no good way to improve upon it, so this effort too was consigned to the penal colony, a set of pigeonholes kept in his study. To Howells and others, when they came along, he would read the discarded yarns, and they were delightful enough for such a purpose, as delightful as the sketches which every artist has, turned face to the wall.

Among the abandoned writing projects from his early author days is a draft of what was probably meant to be a book, “The Second Advent.” It starts with a pretty questionable miraculous conception in Arkansas and ends up in absurdity and chaos. Another one, “The Autobiography of a Damn Fool,” is a comedic take on family history, completely implausible; yet he started it with lots of enthusiasm and thought it was really good until he showed the manuscript to her. “Livy wouldn’t have it,” he said, “so I gave it up.” There’s also “The Mysterious Chamber,” which has a strong and impressive idea, and is really engaging; it’s about a young lover who gets accidentally locked behind a secret door in an old castle and can’t let anyone know he’s there. He eventually wanders down into underground passages beneath the castle, living in that isolation for twenty years. The issue of how he survives is the weak point of the story. Clemens couldn’t figure out a way for him to get food other than through a waste pipe from the kitchen that dumped scraps of meat, bread, and other leftovers. He thought that would work, but Mrs. Clemens didn’t think much of that as a storytelling device. Since he couldn’t come up with a better solution, this project too ended up in the metaphorical penal colony, a set of pigeonholes in his study. He would share these unfinished stories with Howells and others when they visited, and they were enjoyable enough for that purpose, just like the sketches every artist has, turned face to the wall.

“Captain Stormfield” lay under the ban for many a year, though never entirely abandoned. This manuscript was even recommended for publication by Howells, who has since admitted that it would not have done then; and indeed, in its original, primitive nakedness it would hardly have done even in this day of wider toleration.

“Captain Stormfield” was under a ban for many years, though it was never completely forgotten. Howells even recommended this manuscript for publication, although he later acknowledged it would not have succeeded at that time; and honestly, in its original, raw form, it would barely make it even in today's more accepting environment.

It should be said here that there is not the least evidence (and the manuscripts are full of evidence) that Mrs. Clemens was ever super-sensitive, or narrow, or unliterary in her restraints. She became his public, as it were, and no man ever had a more open-minded, clear-headed public than that. For Mark Twain's reputation it would have been better had she exercised her editorial prerogative even more actively—if, in her love for him and her jealousy of his reputation, she had been even more severe. She did all that lay in her strength, from the beginning to the end, and if we dwell upon this phase of their life together it is because it is so large a part of Mark Twain's literary story. On her birthday in the year we are now closing (1875) he wrote her a letter which conveys an acknowledgment of his debt.

It should be noted that there is absolutely no evidence (and the manuscripts are filled with evidence) that Mrs. Clemens was ever overly sensitive, narrow-minded, or unliterary in her limitations. She became his public, so to speak, and no man ever had a more open-minded, clear-headed audience than that. For Mark Twain's reputation, it would have been better if she had taken a more active role in editing—if, out of love for him and jealousy over his reputation, she had been even tougher. She did everything she could, from start to finish, and if we focus on this aspect of their life together, it’s because it plays such a significant part in Mark Twain's literary story. On her birthday in the year we’re now finishing (1875), he wrote her a letter expressing his acknowledgment of his debt to her.

LIVY DARLING,—Six years have gone by since I made my first great success in life and won you, and thirty years have passed since Providence made preparation for that happy success by sending you into the world. Every day we live together adds to the security of my confidence that we can never any more wish to be separated than we can imagine a regret that we were ever joined. You are dearer to me to-day, my child, than you were upon the last anniversary of this birthday; you were dearer then than you were a year before; you have grown more and more dear from the first of those anniversaries, and I do not doubt that this precious progression will continue on to the end.

LIVY DARLING,—It’s been six years since I achieved my first major success in life and won you over, and thirty years since fate prepared for that happy moment by bringing you into the world. Every day we spend together strengthens my belief that we can never wish to be apart any more than we can imagine regretting that we were ever together. You mean more to me today, my child, than you did on the last anniversary of your birthday; you meant more then than you did a year before; you have become more and more important to me since the very first of those anniversaries, and I have no doubt that this precious growth will continue until the end.

Let us look forward to the coming anniversaries, with their age and their gray hairs, without fear and without depression, trusting and believing that the love we bear each other will be sufficient to make them blessed.

Let’s look forward to the upcoming anniversaries, with their age and gray hairs, without fear or sadness, trusting and believing that the love we have for each other will be enough to make them joyful.

So, with abounding affection for you and our babies I hail this day that brings you the matronly grace and dignity of three decades!

So, with all my love for you and our kids, I celebrate this day that brings you the grace and dignity of three decades!





VOLUME II, Part 1: 1875-1886





CV. MARK TWAIN AT FORTY

In conversation with John Hay, Hay said to Clemens:

“A man reaches the zenith at forty, the top of the hill. From that time forward he begins to descend. If you have any great undertaking ahead, begin it now. You will never be so capable again.”

“A man hits his peak at forty, the top of the hill. From that point on, he starts to decline. If you have any big projects in mind, start them now. You won’t be as capable as you are now.”

Of course this was only a theory of Hay's, a rule where rules do not apply, where in the end the problem resolves itself into a question of individualities. John Hay did as great work after forty as ever before, so did Mark Twain, and both of them gained in intellectual strength and public honor to the very end.

Of course, this was just a theory of Hay's, a rule where rules don’t really apply, where ultimately the issue comes down to individual differences. John Hay did just as much great work after forty as he did before, and so did Mark Twain, and both of them gained in intellectual strength and public respect right up until the end.

Yet it must have seemed to many who knew him, and to himself, like enough, that Mark Twain at forty had reached the pinnacle of his fame and achievement. His name was on every lip; in whatever environment observation and argument were likely to be pointed with some saying or anecdote attributed, rightly or otherwise, to Mark Twain. “As Mark Twain says,” or, “You know that story of Mark Twain's,” were universal and daily commonplaces. It was dazzling, towering fame, not of the best or most enduring kind as yet, but holding somewhere within it the structure of immortality.

Yet to many who knew him, and to himself, it must have seemed that Mark Twain at forty had reached the peak of his fame and success. His name was on everyone's lips; in any situation where discussion and debate were likely to be highlighted with a saying or story attributed, rightly or wrongly, to Mark Twain. "As Mark Twain says," or "You know that story of Mark Twain's," were everyday phrases. It was dazzling, overwhelming fame, not necessarily the best or most lasting kind just yet, but containing within it the foundation of immortality.

He was in a constant state of siege, besought by all varieties and conditions of humanity for favors such as only human need and abnormal ingenuity can invent. His ever-increasing mail presented a marvelous exhibition of the human species on undress parade. True, there were hundreds of appreciative tributes from readers who spoke only out of a heart's gratitude; but there were nearly as great a number who came with a compliment, and added a petition, or a demand, or a suggestion, usually unwarranted, often impertinent. Politicians, public speakers, aspiring writers, actors, elocutionists, singers, inventors (most of them he had never seen or heard of) cheerfully asked him for a recommendation as to their abilities and projects.

He was constantly overwhelmed, approached by all kinds of people asking for favors that only human need and creativity could come up with. His ever-growing pile of mail showcased a fascinating display of humanity in various states. Sure, there were hundreds of heartfelt notes from readers expressing genuine gratitude; but just as many came with a compliment followed by a request, a demand, or an often unwarranted, sometimes rude, suggestion. Politicians, public speakers, aspiring writers, actors, performers, singers, and inventors (most of whom he had never seen or heard of) eagerly asked him for recommendations regarding their talents and projects.

Young men wrote requesting verses or sentiments to be inscribed in young ladies' autograph albums; young girls wrote asking him to write the story of his life, to be used as a school composition; men starting obscure papers coolly invited him to lend them his name as editor, assuring him that he would be put to no trouble, and that it would help advertise his books; a fruitful humorist wrote that he had invented some five thousand puns, and invited Mark Twain to father this terrific progeny in book form for a share of the returns. But the list is endless. He said once:

Young guys wrote asking for verses or thoughtful quotes to put in young women’s autograph books; young girls asked him to write about his life for a school assignment; men starting random magazines casually asked him to be their editor, promising it would be hassle-free and help promote his books; a successful comedian claimed he had come up with around five thousand puns and invited Mark Twain to publish this massive collection in book form for a cut of the profits. But the list goes on and on. He once said:

“The symbol of the race ought to be a human being carrying an ax, for every human being has one concealed about him somewhere, and is always seeking the opportunity to grind it.”

“The symbol of the race should be a person carrying an axe, because everyone has one hidden somewhere and is always looking for the chance to sharpen it.”

Even P. T. Barnum had an ax, the large ax of advertising, and he was perpetually trying to grind it on Mark Twain's reputation; in other words, trying to get him to write something that would help to popularize “The Greatest Show on Earth.”

Even P. T. Barnum had an edge, the big edge of advertising, and he was always trying to sharpen it on Mark Twain's reputation; in other words, trying to get him to write something that would help promote “The Greatest Show on Earth.”

There were a good many curious letters-letters from humorists, would-be and genuine. A bright man in Duluth sent him an old Allen “pepper-box” revolver with the statement that it had been found among a pile of bones under a tree, from the limb of which was suspended a lasso and a buffalo skull; this as evidence that the weapon was the genuine Allen which Bemis had lost on that memorable Overland buffalo-hunt. Mark Twain enjoyed that, and kept the old pepper-box as long as he lived. There were letters from people with fads; letters from cranks of every description; curious letters even from friends. Reginald Cholmondeley, that lovely eccentric of Condover Hall, where Mr. and Mrs. Clemens had spent some halcyon days in 1873, wrote him invitations to be at his castle on a certain day, naming the hour, and adding that he had asked friends to meet him. Cholmondeley had a fancy for birds, and spared nothing to improve his collection. Once he wrote Clemens asking him to collect for him two hundred and five American specimens, naming the varieties and the amount which he was to pay for each. Clemens was to catch these birds and bring them over to England, arriving at Condover on a certain day, when there would be friends to meet him, of course.

There were quite a few interesting letters—letters from humorists, both wannabes and the real deal. A clever guy in Duluth sent him an old Allen "pepper-box" revolver with a note saying it had been found among some bones under a tree, where a lasso and a buffalo skull were hanging; this was supposed to prove that the weapon was the genuine Allen that Bemis lost during that famous Overland buffalo hunt. Mark Twain loved that and kept the old pepper-box for the rest of his life. There were letters from people with quirks; letters from all kinds of oddballs; even strange letters from friends. Reginald Cholmondeley, that charming eccentric from Condover Hall, where Mr. and Mrs. Clemens had enjoyed some peaceful days in 1873, sent him invitations to visit his castle on a specific day, mentioning the time, and adding that he had invited friends to meet him. Cholmondeley had a passion for birds and went all out to enhance his collection. Once, he wrote to Clemens asking him to gather two hundred and five American bird specimens, listing the types and how much he would pay for each. Clemens was expected to catch these birds and bring them to England, arriving at Condover on a certain day, when friends would be there to welcome him, of course.

Then there was a report which came now and then from another English castle—the minutes of a certain “Mark Twain Club,” all neatly and elaborately written out, with the speech of each member and the discussions which had followed—the work, he found out later, of another eccentric; for there was no Mark Twain Club, the reports being just the mental diversion of a rich young man, with nothing else to do.—[In Following the Equator Clemens combined these two pleasant characters in one story, with elaborations.]

Then there was a report that occasionally came from another English castle—the minutes of a so-called “Mark Twain Club,” all neatly and elaborately written out, detailing each member's speech and the discussions that followed—the work, he later discovered, of another quirky individual; there was no actual Mark Twain Club, and the reports were just a mental pastime of a wealthy young man with too much free time. —[In Following the Equator, Clemens combined these two enjoyable characters into one story, with added details.]

Letters came queerly addressed. There is one envelope still in existence which bears Clemens's name in elaborate design and a very good silhouette likeness, the work of some talented artist. “Mark Twain, United States,” was a common address; “Mark Twain, The World,” was also used; “Mark Twain, Somewhere,” mailed in a foreign country, reached him promptly, and “Mark Twain, Anywhere,” found its way to Hartford in due season. Then there was a letter (though this was later; he was abroad at the time), mailed by Brander Matthews and Francis Wilson, addressed, “Mark Twain, God Knows Where.” It found him after traveling half around the world on its errand, and in his answer he said, “He did.” Then some one sent a letter addressed, “The Devil Knows Where.” Which also reached him, and he answered, “He did, too.”

Letters were addressed in unusual ways. There's still one envelope that exists with Clemens's name in a fancy design and a really good silhouette likeness, created by a talented artist. “Mark Twain, United States” was a common address; “Mark Twain, The World” was also used; “Mark Twain, Somewhere,” sent from a foreign country, reached him quickly, and “Mark Twain, Anywhere” made its way to Hartford in due time. Then there was a letter (though this was later; he was overseas at the time), sent by Brander Matthews and Francis Wilson, addressed, “Mark Twain, God Knows Where.” It found him after traveling halfway around the world, and in his reply, he said, “He did.” Then someone sent a letter addressed, “The Devil Knows Where.” That also reached him, and he replied, “He did, too.”

Surely this was the farthest horizon of fame.

Surely this was the furthest point of fame.

Countless Mark Twain anecdotes are told of this period, of every period, and will be told and personally vouched for so long as the last soul of his generation remains alive. For seventy years longer, perhaps, there will be those who will relate “personal recollections” of Mark Twain. Many of them will be interesting; some of them will be true; most of them will become history at last. It is too soon to make history of much of this drift now. It is only safe to admit a few authenticated examples.

Countless stories about Mark Twain are shared from this time and every time, and they will keep being told and backed up as long as the last person from his generation is around. For maybe another seventy years, people will share “personal memories” of Mark Twain. Many of these stories will be fascinating; some will be accurate; most will eventually be seen as history. It’s too early to turn a lot of this into history now. It’s only reliable to acknowledge a few verified examples.

It happens that one of the oftenest-told anecdotes has been the least elaborated. It is the one about his call on Mrs. Stowe. Twichell's journal entry, set down at the time, verifies it:

It turns out that one of the most frequently recounted stories has been the least developed. It’s the one about his visit to Mrs. Stowe. Twichell's journal entry, written at the time, confirms it:

Mrs. Stowe was leaving for Florida one morning, and Clemens ran over early to say good-by. On his return Mrs. Clemens regarded him disapprovingly:

Mrs. Stowe was leaving for Florida one morning, and Clemens rushed over early to say goodbye. When he got back, Mrs. Clemens looked at him disapprovingly:

“Why, Youth,” she said, “you haven't on any collar and tie.”

“Why, Youth,” she said, “you’re not wearing a collar and tie.”

He said nothing, but went up to his room, did up these items in a neat package, and sent it over by a servant, with a line:

He didn't say anything, but went to his room, packed these items neatly, and sent them over with a servant, along with a note:

“Herewith receive a call from the rest of me.”

“Here’s a call from the rest of me.”

Mrs. Stowe returned a witty note, in which she said that he had discovered a new principle, the principle of making calls by instalments, and asked whether, in extreme cases, a man might not send his hat, coat, and boots and be otherwise excused.

Mrs. Stowe replied with a clever note, saying he had come up with a new idea: making calls in installments. She asked whether, in extreme situations, a man could just send his hat, coat, and boots and be excused otherwise.

Col. Henry Watterson tells the story of an after-theater supper at the Brevoort House, where Murat Halstead, Mark Twain, and himself were present. A reporter sent in a card for Colonel Watterson, who was about to deny himself when Clemens said:

Col. Henry Watterson shares the story of a late-night meal after a theater performance at the Brevoort House, where Murat Halstead, Mark Twain, and he were all there. A reporter sent in a card for Colonel Watterson, who was about to turn it down when Clemens said:

“Give it to me; I'll fix it.” And left the table. He came back in a moment and beckoned to Watterson.

“Give it to me; I’ll fix it.” And he stood up from the table. He returned a moment later and signaled for Watterson.

“He is young and as innocent as a lamb,” he said. “I represented myself as your secretary. I said that you were not here, but if Mr. Halstead would do as well I would fetch him out. I'll introduce you as Halstead, and we'll have some fun.”

“He's young and as innocent as a lamb,” he said. “I pretended to be your assistant. I told them you weren't around, but if Mr. Halstead is good enough, I can go get him. I'll introduce you as Halstead, and we'll have a blast.”

Now, while Watterson and Halstead were always good friends, they were political enemies. It was a political season and the reporter wanted that kind of an interview. Watterson gave it to him, repudiating every principle that Halstead stood for, reversing him in every expressed opinion. Halstead was for hard money and given to flying the “bloody shirt” of sectional prejudice; Watterson lowered the bloody shirt and declared for greenbacks in Halstead's name. Then he and Clemens returned to the table and told frankly what they had done. Of course, nobody believed it. The report passed the World night-editor, and appeared, next morning. Halstead woke up, then, and wrote a note to the World, denying the interview throughout. The World printed his note with the added line:

Now, even though Watterson and Halstead were always good friends, they were political opponents. It was election season, and the reporter wanted that kind of interview. Watterson gave it to him, rejecting every principle that Halstead believed in and contradicting every opinion he had expressed. Halstead supported hard money and was known for promoting regional biases; Watterson dismissed those biases and endorsed greenbacks in Halstead's name. Then he and Clemens went back to the table and openly shared what they had done. Naturally, nobody believed them. The report went past the night editor at the World and was published the next morning. Halstead then woke up and wrote a note to the World, denying the interview entirely. The World printed his note with an added line:

“When Mr. Halstead saw our reporter he had dined.”

"When Mr. Halstead saw our reporter, he had already eaten dinner."

It required John Hay (then on the Tribune) to place the joke where it belonged.

It took John Hay (who was at the Tribune back then) to put the joke in its proper place.

There is a Lotos Club anecdote of Mark Twain that carries the internal evidence of truth. Saturday evening at the Lotos always brought a gathering of the “wits,” and on certain evenings—“Hens and chickens” nights—each man had to tell a story, make a speech, or sing a song. On one evening a young man, an invited guest, was called upon and recited a very long poem.

There’s a Lotos Club story about Mark Twain that seems true. Saturday nights at the Lotos always attracted a crowd of clever people, and on specific nights—“Hens and chickens” nights—everyone had to tell a story, give a speech, or sing a song. One night, a young man, an invited guest, was asked to perform and recited a very long poem.

One by one those who sat within easy reach of the various exits melted away, until no one remained but Mark Twain. Perhaps he saw the earnestness of the young man, and sympathized with it. He may have remembered a time when he would have been grateful for one such attentive auditor. At all events, he sat perfectly still, never taking his eyes from the reader, never showing the least inclination toward discomfort or impatience, but listening, as with rapt attention, to the very last line. Douglas Taylor, one of the faithful Saturday-night members, said to him later:

One by one, those who were close to the different exits slipped away, until only Mark Twain was left. Maybe he recognized the sincerity of the young man and felt for him. He might have recalled a time when he would have appreciated having such an engaged listener. In any case, he remained completely still, never taking his eyes off the reader, showing no sign of discomfort or impatience, but listening with full attention to the very last line. Douglas Taylor, one of the loyal Saturday-night members, told him later:

“Mark, how did you manage to sit through that dreary, interminable poem?”

“Mark, how did you manage to sit through that boring, never-ending poem?”

“Well,” he said, “that young man thought he had a divine message to deliver, and I thought he was entitled to at least one auditor, so I stayed with him.”

“Well,” he said, “that young guy thought he had a divine message to share, and I figured he deserved at least one listener, so I stayed with him.”

We may believe that for that one auditor the young author was willing to sacrifice all the others.

We might think that the young author was ready to give up all the others for that one critic.

One might continue these anecdotes for as long as the young man's poem lasted, and perhaps hold as large an audience. But anecdotes are not all of history. These are set down because they reflect a phase of the man and an aspect of his life at this period. For at the most we can only present an angle here and there, and tell a little of the story, letting each reader from his fancy construct the rest.

One could share these stories for as long as the young man's poem went on, and maybe even draw a big crowd. But stories aren't the entire history. These are recorded because they show a part of the man and a side of his life at this time. Ultimately, we can only present bits and pieces and give a glimpse of the story, allowing each reader to use their imagination to fill in the gaps.





CVI. HIS FIRST STAGE APPEARANCE

Once that winter the Monday Evening Club met at Mark Twain's home, and instead of the usual essay he read them a story: “The Facts Concerning the Recent Carnival of Crime in Connecticut.” It was the story of a man's warfare with a personified conscience—a sort of “William Wilson” idea, though less weird, less somber, and with more actuality, more verisimilitude. It was, in fact, autobiographical, a setting-down of the author's daily self-chidings. The climax, where conscience is slain, is a startling picture which appeals to most of humanity. So vivid is it all, that it is difficult in places not to believe in the reality of the tale, though the allegory is always present.

One winter that year, the Monday Evening Club gathered at Mark Twain's house, and instead of the usual essay, he read them a story: “The Facts Concerning the Recent Carnival of Crime in Connecticut.” It was about a man's struggle with his personified conscience—a bit like the idea in “William Wilson,” but less strange, less dark, and more grounded in reality. It was actually autobiographical, a reflection of the author's daily self-criticisms. The climax, where conscience is defeated, paints a striking image that resonates with many people. It's so vivid that in some parts it's hard not to believe the story is real, even though the allegory is always there.

The club was deeply impressed by the little fictional sermon. One of its ministerial members offered his pulpit for the next Sunday if Mark Twain would deliver it to his congregation. Howells welcomed it for the Atlantic, and published it in June. It was immensely successful at the time, though for some reason it seems to be little known or remembered to-day. Now and then a reader mentions it, always with enthusiasm. Howells referred to it repeatedly in his letters, and finally persuaded Clemens to let Osgood bring it out, with “A True Story,” in dainty, booklet form. If the reader does not already know the tale, it will pay him to look it up and read it, and then to read it again.

The club was really impressed by the little fictional sermon. One of its ministerial members offered his pulpit for the next Sunday if Mark Twain would deliver it to his congregation. Howells welcomed it for the Atlantic and published it in June. It was a big hit at the time, but for some reason, it seems to be little known or remembered today. Now and then, a reader mentions it, always with enthusiasm. Howells referred to it often in his letters and finally convinced Clemens to let Osgood publish it, along with “A True Story,” in a nice little booklet. If the reader doesn’t already know the story, it’s worth looking up and reading, and then reading it again.

Meantime Tom Sawyer remained unpublished.

In the meantime, Tom Sawyer was still unpublished.

“Get Bliss to hurry it up!” wrote Howells. “That boy is going to make a prodigious hit.”

“Get Bliss to speed it up!” wrote Howells. “That kid is going to be a huge success.”

But Clemens delayed the book, to find some means to outwit the Canadian pirates, who thus far had laid hands on everything, and now were clamoring at the Atlantic because there was no more to steal.

But Clemens postponed the book to find a way to outsmart the Canadian pirates, who had so far taken everything and were now demanding more from the Atlantic because there was nothing left to steal.

Moncure D. Conway was in America, and agreed to take the manuscript of Sawyer to London and arrange for its publication and copyright. In Conway's Memoirs he speaks of Mark Twain's beautiful home, comparing it and its surroundings with the homes of Surrey, England. He tells of an entertainment given to Harriet Beecher Stowe, a sort of animated jarley wax-works. Clemens and Conway went over as if to pay a call, when presently the old lady was rather startled by an invasion of costumed figures. Clemens rose and began introducing them in his gay, fanciful fashion. He began with a knight in full armor, saying, as if in an aside, “Bring along that tinshop,” and went on to tell the romance of the knight's achievements.

Moncure D. Conway was in America and agreed to take Sawyer's manuscript to London to arrange for its publication and copyright. In Conway's Memoirs, he talks about Mark Twain's beautiful home, comparing it and its surroundings to the houses in Surrey, England. He describes an entertainment held for Harriet Beecher Stowe, which was like an animated wax museum. Clemens and Conway went over as if they were just visiting, when suddenly the old lady was surprised by a bunch of costumed figures. Clemens stood up and started introducing them in his cheerful, imaginative way. He began with a knight in full armor, saying in a sort of aside, “Bring along that tinshop,” and then went on to share the story of the knight's accomplishments.

Conway read Tom Sawyer on the ship and was greatly excited over it. Later, in London, he lectured on it, arranging meantime for its publication with Chatto & Windus, thus establishing a friendly business relation with that firm which Mark Twain continued during his lifetime.

Conway read Tom Sawyer on the ship and was really excited about it. Later, in London, he gave a lecture on it while also organizing its publication with Chatto & Windus, which created a friendly business relationship with that company that Mark Twain maintained throughout his life.

Clemens lent himself to a number of institutional amusements that year, and on the 26th of April, 1876, made his first public appearance on the dramatic stage.

Clemens participated in several institutional entertainments that year, and on April 26, 1876, he made his first public appearance on the theatrical stage.

It was an amateur performance, but not of the usual kind. There was genuine dramatic talent in Hartford, and the old play of the “Loan of the Lover,” with Mark Twain as Peter Spuyk and Miss Helen Smith—[Now Mrs. William W. Ellsworth.]—as Gertrude, with a support sufficient for their needs, gave a performance that probably furnished as much entertainment as that pleasant old play is capable of providing. Mark Twain had in him the making of a great actor. Henry Irving once said to him:

It was an amateur show, but not your typical one. There was real dramatic talent in Hartford, and the classic play "The Loan of the Lover," featuring Mark Twain as Peter Spuyk and Miss Helen Smith—[Now Mrs. William W. Ellsworth.]—as Gertrude, along with enough support to meet their needs, delivered a performance that probably offered as much entertainment as that beloved old play can deliver. Mark Twain had the potential to be a great actor. Henry Irving once said to him:

“You made a mistake by not adopting the stage as a profession. You would have made even a greater actor than a writer.”

"You made a mistake by not pursuing acting as a career. You would have been an even greater actor than a writer."

Yet it is unlikely that he would ever have been satisfied with the stage. He had too many original literary ideas. He would never have been satisfied to repeat the same part over and over again, night after night from week to month, and from month to year. He could not stick to the author's lines even for one night. In his performance of the easy-going, thick-headed Peter Spuyk his impromptu additions to the lines made it hard on the company, who found their cues all at sixes and sevens, but it delighted the audience beyond measure. No such impersonation of that character was ever given before, or ever will be given again. It was repeated with new and astonishing variations on the part of Peter, and it could have been put on for a long run. Augustin Daly wrote immediately, offering the Fifth Avenue Theater for a “benefit” performance, and again, a few days later, urging acceptance. “Not for one night, but for many.”

Yet it’s unlikely he would have ever been happy with the stage. He had too many unique literary ideas. He would never have been okay with performing the same role repeatedly, night after night, week after week, and month after month. He couldn’t stick to the script even for one night. In his portrayal of the easy-going, thick-headed Peter Spuyk, his spontaneous additions to the dialogue made it tough for the cast, who found their cues all mixed up, but it thrilled the audience beyond measure. No one has ever performed that character like he did, and no one ever will again. It was always delivered with new and amazing variations on the part of Peter, and it could have run for a long time. Augustin Daly immediately wrote, offering the Fifth Avenue Theater for a “benefit” performance, and a few days later, he urged them to accept. “Not for one night, but for many.”

Clemens was tempted, no doubt. Perhaps, if he had yielded, he would today have had one more claim on immortality.

Clemens was definitely tempted. Maybe if he had given in, he would have one more shot at being remembered forever.





CVII. HOWELLS, CLEMENS, AND “GEORGE”

Howells and Clemens were visiting back and forth rather oftener just then. Clemens was particularly fond of the Boston crowd—Aldrich, Fields, Osgood, and the rest—delighting in those luncheons or dinners which Osgood, that hospitable publisher, was always giving on one pretext or another. No man ever loved company more than Osgood, or to play the part of host and pay for the enjoyment of others. His dinners were elaborate affairs, where the sages and poets and wits of that day (and sometimes their wives) gathered. They were happy reunions, those fore-gatherings, though perhaps a more intimate enjoyment was found at the luncheons, where only two or three were invited, usually Aldrich, Howells, and Clemens, and the talk continued through the afternoon and into the deepening twilight, such company and such twilight as somehow one seems never to find any more.

Howells and Clemens were visiting each other quite often during that time. Clemens especially enjoyed the Boston crowd—Aldrich, Fields, Osgood, and the others—taking pleasure in the luncheons or dinners that Osgood, the welcoming publisher, was always hosting for one reason or another. No one loved company more than Osgood, or enjoyed being the host and covering the costs for everyone’s enjoyment. His dinners were elaborate events, where the great thinkers, poets, and witty people of that time (and sometimes their wives) would gather. Those gatherings were joyful reunions, although the luncheons, which usually included only two or three guests, often brought a more personal kind of enjoyment, typically with Aldrich, Howells, and Clemens in attendance. The conversation would flow through the afternoon and into the deepening twilight, a kind of company and twilight that seems hard to find today.

On one of the visits which Howells made to Hartford that year he took his son John, then a small boy, with him. John was about six years old at the time, with his head full of stories of Aladdin, and of other Arabian fancies. On the way over his father said to him:

On one of the trips Howells took to Hartford that year, he brought his son John, who was just a little boy at the time. John was around six years old and had his head filled with tales of Aladdin and other Arabian fantasies. On the way there, his father said to him:

“Now, John, you will see a perfect palace.”

“Now, John, you’re about to see an amazing palace.”

They arrived, and John was awed into silence by the magnificence and splendors of his surroundings until they went to the bath-room to wash off the dust of travel. There he happened to notice a cake of pink soap.

They arrived, and John was speechless from the beauty and splendor of his surroundings until they went to the bathroom to wash off the travel dust. There, he noticed a bar of pink soap.

“Why,” he said, “they've even got their soap painted!” Next morning he woke early—they were occupying the mahogany room on the ground floor—and slipping out through the library, and to the door of the dining-room, he saw the colored butler, George—the immortal George—setting the breakfast-table. He hurriedly tiptoed back and whispered to his father:

“Why,” he said, “they've even got their soap painted!” The next morning he woke up early—they were in the mahogany room on the ground floor—and as he quietly slipped out through the library and to the dining room door, he saw the colorful butler, George—the legendary George—setting the breakfast table. He quickly tiptoed back and whispered to his father:

“Come quick! The slave is setting the table!”

"Come quickly! The servant is setting the table!"

This being the second mention of George, it seems proper here that he should be formally presented. Clemens used to say that George came one day to wash windows and remained eighteen years. He was precisely the sort of character that Mark Twain loved. He had formerly been the body-servant of an army general and was typically racially Southern, with those delightful attributes of wit and policy and gentleness which go with the best type of negro character. The children loved him no less than did their father. Mrs. Clemens likewise had a weakness for George, though she did not approve of him. George's morals were defective. He was an inveterate gambler. He would bet on anything, though prudently and with knowledge. He would investigate before he invested. If he placed his money on a horse, he knew the horse's pedigree and the pedigree of the horses against it, also of their riders. If he invested in an election, he knew all about the candidates. He had agents among his own race, and among the whites as well, to supply him with information. He kept them faithful to him by lending them money—at ruinous interest. He buttonholed Mark Twain's callers while he was removing their coats concerning the political situation, much to the chagrin of Mrs. Clemens, who protested, though vainly, for the men liked George and his ways, and upheld him in his iniquities.

This being the second time George is mentioned, it feels appropriate to introduce him properly. Clemens used to say that George came one day to wash windows and ended up staying for eighteen years. He was exactly the kind of person Mark Twain appreciated. He had previously served as a bodyguard for an army general and exemplified the Southern character, possessing those charming traits of wit, strategy, and kindness that define the best aspects of Black individuals. The children loved him just as much as their father did. Mrs. Clemens also had a soft spot for George, even though she didn’t fully approve of him. George had questionable morals; he was a heavy gambler. He would bet on anything, but always wisely and informed. He would do his homework before making a bet. If he wagered on a horse, he knew its lineage and the lineage of the competing horses, as well as their riders. If he placed a bet in an election, he was well aware of all the candidates. He had sources among his own community and among white people too, who provided him with information. He kept them loyal by lending them money—at outrageous interest rates. He would corner Mark Twain's visitors while taking their coats to discuss the political situation, much to Mrs. Clemens' dismay, who protested, but to no avail, as the men enjoyed George and his ways and supported him in his wrongdoings.

Mrs. Clemens's disapproval of George reached the point, now and then, where she declared he could not remain.

Mrs. Clemens's disapproval of George sometimes got to the point where she said he couldn’t stay.

She even discharged him once, but next morning George was at the breakfast-table, in attendance, as usual. Mrs. Clemens looked at him gravely:

She even fired him once, but the next morning George was back at the breakfast table, on duty, as usual. Mrs. Clemens looked at him seriously:

“George,” she said, “didn't I discharge you yesterday?”

“George,” she said, “didn't I let you go yesterday?”

“Yes, Mis' Clemens, but I knew you couldn't get along without me, so I thought I'd better stay a while.”

“Yes, Miss Clemens, but I knew you couldn't manage without me, so I figured I should stick around for a bit.”

In one of the letters to Howells, Clemens wrote:

In one of his letters to Howells, Clemens wrote:

When George first came he was one of the most religious of men. He had but one fault—young George Washington's. But I have trained him; and now it fairly breaks Mrs. Clemens's heart to hear him stand at that front door and lie to an unwelcome visitor.

When George first arrived, he was one of the most devout people around. He only had one flaw—young George Washington's. But I've worked on it with him, and now it truly breaks Mrs. Clemens's heart to hear him stand at that front door and lie to an uninvited guest.

George was a fine diplomat. He would come up to the billiard-room with a card or message from some one waiting below, and Clemens would fling his soul into a sultry denial which became a soothing and balmy subterfuge before it reached the front door.

George was a great diplomat. He would come up to the billiard room with a card or message from someone waiting downstairs, and Clemens would pour his heart into a heated refusal that turned into a calming and gentle excuse by the time it reached the front door.

The “slave” must have been setting the table in good season, for the Clemens breakfasts were likely to be late. They usually came along about nine o'clock, by which time Howells and John were fairly clawing with hunger.

The “slave” must have been setting the table early, because the Clemens breakfasts were probably running late. They usually happened around nine o'clock, by which time Howells and John were practically starving.

Clemens did not have an early appetite, but when it came it was a good one. Breakfast and dinner were his important meals. He seldom ate at all during the middle of the day, though if guests were present he would join them at luncheon-time and walk up and down while they were eating, talking and gesticulating in his fervent, fascinating way. Sometimes Mrs. Clemens would say:

Clemens wasn't an early riser when it came to eating, but when he did get hungry, he had a big appetite. Breakfast and dinner were his main meals. He rarely ate anything in the middle of the day, but if guests were around, he'd join them for lunch and stroll around while they ate, chatting and animatedly gesturing in his engaging style. Sometimes Mrs. Clemens would say:

“Oh, Youth, do come and sit down with us. We can listen so much better.”

“Oh, Youth, please come and sit with us. We can listen so much better.”

But he seldom did. At dinner, too, it was his habit, between the courses, to rise from the table and walk up and down the room, waving his napkin and talking!—talking in a strain and with a charm that he could never quite equal with his pen. It's the opinion of most people who knew Mark Twain personally that his impromptu utterances, delivered with that ineffable quality of speech, manifested the culmination of his genius.

But he hardly ever did. At dinner, it was also his routine, between dishes, to stand up from the table and pace around the room, waving his napkin and chatting!—talking in a style and with a charm that he could never quite match in writing. Most people who knew Mark Twain personally believe that his off-the-cuff remarks, delivered with that indescribable quality of speech, represented the peak of his genius.

When Clemens came to Boston the Howells household was regulated, or rather unregulated, without regard to former routine. Mark Twain's personality was of a sort that unconsciously compelled the general attendance of any household. The reader may recall Josh Billings's remark on the subject. Howells tells how they kept their guest to themselves when he visited their home in Cambridge, permitting him to indulge in as many unconventions as he chose; how Clemens would take a room at the Parker House, leaving the gas burning day and night, and perhaps arrive at Cambridge, after a dinner or a reading, in evening dress and slippers, and joyously remain with them for a day or more in that guise, slipping on an overcoat and a pair of rubbers when they went for a walk. Also, how he smoked continuously in every room of the house, smoked during every waking moment, and how Howells, mindful of his insurance, sometimes slipped in and removed the still-burning cigar after he was asleep.

When Clemens arrived in Boston, the Howells home was more or less running without any particular routine. Mark Twain's character naturally drew people in, making it hard for anyone in the household to stay away. You might remember Josh Billings's comment on this. Howells shares how they kept their guest to themselves when he came to visit in Cambridge, allowing him to enjoy whatever unconventional things he wanted; how Clemens would book a room at the Parker House, leaving the gas on day and night, and maybe show up in Cambridge, after having dinner or doing a reading, dressed in formal evening wear and slippers, happily staying with them for a day or more in that outfit, just throwing on a coat and some rubber shoes when they went out for a walk. He also mentions how Clemens constantly smoked in every room of the house, lighting up every waking moment, and how Howells, worried about his insurance, sometimes sneaked in to remove the still-burning cigar after Clemens had fallen asleep.

Clemens had difficulty in getting to sleep in that earlier day, and for a time found it soothing to drink a little champagne on retiring. Once, when he arrived in Boston, Howells said:

Clemens had trouble falling asleep that day, and for a while, he found it comforting to have a bit of champagne before bed. Once, when he got to Boston, Howells said:

“Clemens, we've laid in a bottle of champagne for you.”

“Clemens, we've got a bottle of champagne ready for you.”

But he answered:

But he replied:

“Oh, that's no good any more. Beer's the thing.”

“Oh, that’s not good anymore. Beer is what you need.”

So Howells provided the beer, and always afterward had a vision of his guest going up-stairs that night with a pint bottle under each arm.

So Howells provided the beer, and afterwards he always imagined his guest heading upstairs that night with a pint bottle under each arm.

He invented other methods of inducing slumber as the years went by, and at one time found that this precious boon came more easily when he stretched himself on the bath-room floor.

He came up with new ways to fall asleep as the years went by, and at one point he discovered that he could drift off more easily when he lay on the bathroom floor.

He was a perpetual joy to the Howells family when he was there, even though the household required a general reorganization when he was gone.

He was always a source of joy for the Howells family when he was around, even though the household needed a complete reorganization when he left.

Mildred Howells remembers how, as a very little girl, her mother cautioned her not to ask for anything she wanted at the table when company was present, but to speak privately of it to her. Miss Howells declares that while Mark Twain was their guest she nearly starved because it was impossible to get her mother's attention; and Mrs. Howells, after one of those visits of hilarity and disorder, said:

Mildred Howells recalls how, when she was a little girl, her mother warned her not to ask for anything she wanted at the table when there were guests around, but to talk about it with her privately instead. Miss Howells states that when Mark Twain was visiting, she nearly starved because it was impossible to get her mother's attention; and Mrs. Howells, after one of those chaotic and joyful visits, said:

“Well, it 'most kills me, but it pays,” a remark which Clemens vastly enjoyed. Howells himself once wrote:

“Well, it almost kills me, but it pays,” a remark which Clemens greatly enjoyed. Howells himself once wrote:

Your visit was a perfect ovation for us; we never enjoy anything so much as those visits of yours. The smoke and the Scotch and the late hours almost kill us; but we look each other in the eyes when you are gone, and say what a glorious time it was, and air the library, and begin sleeping and longing to have you back again....

Your visit was the best for us; we never enjoy anything as much as your visits. The smoke, the Scotch, and the late nights nearly do us in, but we look at each other when you've left and say what a fantastic time it was. We open the windows in the library, start to wind down, and can't help wishing for you to come back again....





CVIII. SUMMER LABORS AT QUARRY FARM

They went to Elmira, that summer of '76, to be “hermits and eschew caves and live in the sun,” as Clemens wrote in a letter to Dr. Brown. They returned to the place as to Paradise: Clemens to his study and the books which he always called for, Mrs. Clemens to a blessed relief from social obligations, the children to the shady play-places, the green, sloping hill, where they could race and tumble, and to all their animal friends.

They went to Elmira in the summer of '76 to “be hermits, avoid caves, and live in the sun,” as Clemens wrote in a letter to Dr. Brown. They returned to the place like it was Paradise: Clemens to his study and the books he always wanted, Mrs. Clemens to a much-needed break from social obligations, and the kids to the shady playgrounds, the green, sloping hill where they could run around and play, and to all their animal friends.

Susy was really growing up. She had had several birthdays, quite grand affairs, when she had been brought down in the morning, decked, and with proper ceremonies, with subsequent celebration. She was a strange, thoughtful child, much given to reflecting on the power and presence of infinity, for she was religiously taught. Down in the city, one night, there was a grand display of fireworks, and the hilltop was a good place from which to enjoy it; but it grew late after a little, and Susy was ordered to bed. She said, thoughtfully:

Susy was really growing up. She had celebrated several birthdays, each one quite a grand affair, where she was brought downstairs in the morning, all dressed up, with proper ceremonies and a celebration afterward. She was a unique, thoughtful child, often lost in her thoughts about the power and presence of infinity, as she had been taught in a religious way. One night, down in the city, there was an amazing fireworks display, and the hilltop was a great spot to watch it from; but it got late after a while, and Susy was told to go to bed. She said, thoughtfully:

“I wish I could sit up all night, as God does.”

“I wish I could stay up all night, like God does.”

The baby, whom they still called “Bay,” was a tiny, brown creature who liked to romp in the sun and be rocked to sleep at night with a song. Clemens often took them for extended walks, pushing Bay in her carriage. Once, in a preoccupied moment, he let go of the little vehicle and it started downhill, gaining speed rapidly.

The baby, still called “Bay,” was a tiny, brown little one who loved to play in the sun and be rocked to sleep at night with a song. Clemens often took them on long walks, pushing Bay in her stroller. One time, lost in thought, he let go of the stroller and it started rolling downhill, picking up speed quickly.

He awoke then, and set off in wild pursuit. Before he could overtake the runaway carriage it had turned to the roadside and upset. Bay was lying among the stones and her head was bleeding. Hastily binding the wound with a handkerchief he started full speed with her up the hill toward the house, calling for restoratives as he came. It was no serious matter. The little girl was strong and did not readily give way to affliction.

He woke up and took off in a frantic chase. Before he could catch up to the runaway carriage, it had veered off the road and overturned. Bay was lying in the stones, her head bleeding. He quickly tied a handkerchief around her wound and sprinted up the hill toward the house with her, calling for help as he ran. It wasn't too serious. The little girl was tough and didn't easily succumb to injury.

The children were unlike: Susy was all contemplation and nerves; Bay serene and practical. It was said, when a pet cat died—this was some years later—that Susy deeply reflected as to its life here and hereafter, while Bay was concerned only as to the style of its funeral. Susy showed early her father's quaintness of remark. Once they bought her a heavier pair of shoes than she approved of. She was not in the best of humors during the day, and that night, when at prayer-time her mother said, “Now, Susy, put your thoughts on God,” she answered, “Mama, I can't with those shoes.”

The kids were different: Susy was all about thinking deeply and feeling anxious; Bay was calm and practical. It was said that when a pet cat died—this was years later—Susy thought a lot about its life and what comes after, while Bay only cared about how fancy the funeral would be. Susy showed her father's quirky way of speaking early on. Once, they bought her a heavier pair of shoes than she liked. She wasn't in the best mood that day, and that night, when it was time for prayer and her mother said, “Now, Susy, focus on God,” she replied, “Mom, I can't with these shoes.”

Clemens worked steadily that summer and did a variety of things. He had given up a novel, begun with much enthusiasm, but he had undertaken another long manuscript. By the middle of August he had written several hundred pages of a story which was to be a continuation of Tom Sawyer—The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Now, here is a curious phase of genius. The novel which for a time had filled him with enthusiasm and faith had no important literary value, whereas, concerning this new tale, he says:

Clemens worked consistently that summer and tackled a range of tasks. He had abandoned a novel he had started with a lot of excitement, but he began another long manuscript. By mid-August, he had written several hundred pages of a story that would be a follow-up to Tom Sawyer—The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Now, here’s an interesting aspect of genius. The novel that had once inspired him with enthusiasm and confidence ended up having little literary value, while about this new story, he says:

“I like it only tolerably well, as far as I have gone, and may possibly pigeonhole or burn the manuscript when it is done”—this of the story which, of his books of pure fiction, will perhaps longest survive. He did, in fact, give the story up, and without much regret, when it was about half completed, and let it lie unfinished for years.

“I like it only okay, based on what I’ve done so far, and I might just file away or destroy the manuscript when I finish it”—this of the story that, of his purely fictional works, might be the one to last the longest. He actually did give up on the story, without much remorse, when it was about halfway done, and left it unfinished for years.

He wrote one short tale, “The Canvasser's Story,” a burlesque of no special distinction, and he projected for the Atlantic a scheme of “blindfold novelettes,” a series of stories to be written by well-known authors and others, each to be constructed on the same plot. One can easily imagine Clemens's enthusiasm over a banal project like that; his impulses were always rainbow-hued, whether valuable or not; but it is curious that Howells should welcome and even encourage an enterprise so far removed from all the traditions of art. It fell to pieces, at last, of inherent misconstruction. The title was to be, “A Murder and a Marriage.” Clemens could not arrive at a logical climax that did not bring the marriage and the hanging on the same day.

He wrote a short story called “The Canvasser's Story,” which was a burlesque of no particular note, and he came up with an idea for the Atlantic for “blindfold novelettes,” a series of stories to be written by well-known authors and others, all following the same plot. It’s easy to imagine Clemens's excitement over a mundane project like that; his impulses were always colorful, whether they had merit or not; but it's interesting that Howells would welcome and even support an initiative so distant from traditional art. In the end, it fell apart due to fundamental misunderstandings. The title was supposed to be “A Murder and a Marriage.” Clemens couldn’t find a logical climax that didn’t have the marriage and the hanging happening on the same day.

The Atlantic started its “Contributors' Club,” and Howells wrote to Clemens for a paragraph or more of personal opinion on any subject, assuring him that he could “spit his spite” out at somebody or something as if it were a passage from a letter. That was a fairly large permission to give Mark Twain. The paragraph he sent was the sort of thing he would write with glee, and hug himself over in the thought of Howells's necessity of rejecting it. In the accompanying note he said:

The Atlantic launched its “Contributors' Club,” and Howells reached out to Clemens for a paragraph or more of personal opinion on any topic, assuring him that he could “vent his frustration” on someone or something as if it were a letter. That was quite a broad allowance to give Mark Twain. The paragraph he sent was exactly the kind of piece he would write with delight, reveling in the thought of Howells needing to reject it. In the note that came with it, he said:

Say, Boss, do you want this to lighten up your old freight-train with? I suppose you won't, but then it won't take long to say, so.

Say, Boss, do you want this to make your old freight train lighter? I guess you won't, but it won't take long to say so.

He was always sending impossible offerings to the magazines; innocently enough sometimes, but often out of pure mischievousness. Yet they were constantly after him, for they knew they were likely to get a first-water gem. Mary Mopes Dodge, of St. Nicholas, wrote time and again, and finally said:

He was always sending unrealistic submissions to the magazines; sometimes innocently, but often just for fun. Yet they were always seeking him out because they knew he could deliver a top-notch piece. Mary Mopes Dodge, from St. Nicholas, wrote to him repeatedly and eventually said:

“I know a man who was persecuted by an editor till he went distracted.”

“I know a guy who was harassed by an editor until he lost his mind.”

In his reading that year at the farm he gave more than customary attention to one of his favorite books, Pepys' Diary, that captivating old record which no one can follow continuously without catching the infection of its manner and the desire of imitation. He had been reading diligently one day, when he determined to try his hand on an imaginary record of conversation and court manners of a bygone day, written in the phrase of the period. The result was Fireside Conversation in the Time of Queen Elizabeth, or, as he later called it, 1601. The “conversation,” recorded by a supposed Pepys of that period, was written with all the outspoken coarseness and nakedness of that rank day, when fireside sociabilities were limited only by the range of loosened fancy, vocabulary, and physical performance, and not by any bounds of convention. Howells has spoken of Mark Twain's “Elizabethan breadth of parlance,” and how he, Howells, was always hiding away in discreet holes and corners the letters in which Clemens had “loosed his bold fancy to stoop on rank suggestion.” “I could not bear to burn them,” he declares, “and I could not, after the first reading, quite bear to look at them.”

During his reading that year at the farm, he paid more attention than usual to one of his favorite books, Pepys' Diary, that fascinating old record which no one can read continuously without catching its style and feeling the urge to imitate it. One day, as he was reading diligently, he decided to create an imaginary record of conversations and court manners from a past era, written in the language of that time. The result was Fireside Conversation in the Time of Queen Elizabeth, which he later titled 1601. The “conversation,” recorded by a fictional Pepys from that time, was written with all the bluntness and rawness of that bold era, when fireside gatherings were only limited by the bounds of imagination, language, and actions, and not by any societal norms. Howells commented on Mark Twain's “Elizabethan breadth of language,” and mentioned how he, Howells, often hid the letters in which Clemens had “freely expressed his bold imagination with suggestive ideas.” “I couldn’t bear to burn them,” he said, “and after the first reading, I couldn't quite bear to look at them.”

In the 1601 Mark Twain outdid himself in the Elizabethan field. It was written as a letter to that robust divine, Rev. Joseph Twichell, who had no special scruples concerning Shakespearian parlance and customs. Before it was mailed it was shown to David Gray, who was spending a Sunday at Elmira. Gray said:

In 1601, Mark Twain surpassed himself in the Elizabethan style. He wrote it as a letter to the hearty Reverend Joseph Twichell, who had no particular qualms about Shakespearean language and traditions. Before it was sent, it was shown to David Gray, who was spending a Sunday in Elmira. Gray said:

“Print it and put your name to it, Mark. You have never done a greater piece of work than that.”

“Print it out and put your name on it, Mark. You've never done a better piece of work than this.”

John Hay, whom it also reached in due time, pronounced it a classic—a “most exquisite bit of old English morality.” Hay surreptitiously permitted some proofs to be made of it, and it has been circulated privately, though sparingly, ever since. At one time a special font of antique type was made for it and one hundred copies were taken on hand-made paper. They would easily bring a hundred dollars each to-day.

John Hay, who eventually received it, called it a classic—a “beautiful example of old English morality.” Hay secretly allowed a few proofs to be made, and it has been shared privately, though not widely, ever since. At one point, a special font of vintage type was created for it, and one hundred copies were printed on hand-made paper. They would easily sell for a hundred dollars each today.

1601 is a genuine classic, as classics of that sort go. It is better than the gross obscenities of Rabelais, and perhaps, in some day to come, the taste that justified Gargantua and the Decameron will give this literary refugee shelter and setting among the more conventional writings of Mark Twain. Human taste is a curious thing; delicacy is purely a matter of environment and point of view.—[In a note-book of a later period Clemens himself wrote: “It depends on who writes a thing whether it is coarse or not. I once wrote a conversation between Elizabeth, Shakespeare, Ben Jonson, Beaumont, Sir W. Raleigh, Lord Bacon, Sir Nicholas Throckmorton, and a stupid old nobleman—this latter being cup-bearer to the queen and ostensible reporter of the talk.

1601 is a true classic, as classics go. It's better than the crude obscenities of Rabelais, and maybe, in the future, the taste that appreciated Gargantua and the Decameron will find a home for this literary gem among the more traditional writings of Mark Twain. Human taste is an interesting thing; what is considered delicate is just a matter of context and perspective.—[In a later notebook, Clemens himself wrote: “Whether something is considered coarse or not depends on who writes it. I once wrote a conversation between Elizabeth, Shakespeare, Ben Jonson, Beaumont, Sir W. Raleigh, Lord Bacon, Sir Nicholas Throckmorton, and a foolish old nobleman—this last being the cup-bearer to the queen and the supposed reporter of the discussion.

“There were four maids of honor present and a sweet young girl two years younger than the boy Beaumont. I built a conversation which could have happened—I used words such as were used at that time—1601. I sent it anonymously to a magazine, and how the editor abused it and the sender! But that man was a praiser of Rabelais, and had been saying, 'O that we had a Rabelais!' I judged that I could furnish him one.”]

“There were four maids of honor there and a sweet young girl two years younger than the boy Beaumont. I created a conversation that could have taken place—I used words that were typical of that time—1601. I submitted it anonymously to a magazine, and how the editor criticized it and the sender! But that guy admired Rabelais and had been saying, 'Oh, how I wish we had a Rabelais!' I figured I could provide him with one.”

Eighteen hundred and seventy-six was a Presidential year—the year of the Hayes-Tilden campaign. Clemens and Howells were both warm Republicans and actively interested in the outcome, Clemens, as he confessed, for the first time in his life. Before his return to Hartford he announced himself publicly as a Hayes man, made so by Governor Hayes's letter of acceptance, which, he said, “expresses my own political convictions.” His politics had not been generally known up to that time, and a Tilden and Hendricks club in Jersey City had invited him to be present and give them some political counsel, at a flag-raising. He wrote, declining pleasantly enough, then added:

Eighteen seventy-six was a presidential election year—the year of the Hayes-Tilden campaign. Clemens and Howells were both passionate Republicans and actively invested in the outcome, with Clemens, as he admitted, feeling this way for the first time in his life. Before he returned to Hartford, he publicly declared himself a Hayes supporter, influenced by Governor Hayes's letter of acceptance, which he said “expresses my own political beliefs.” His political stance hadn’t been widely known until then, and a Tilden and Hendricks club in Jersey City had invited him to attend and offer them some political advice at a flag-raising event. He wrote back, politely declining, then added:

“You have asked me for some political counsel or advice: In view of Mr. Tilden's Civil War record my advice is not to raise the flag.”

“You’ve asked me for some political advice: Given Mr. Tilden's Civil War record, my advice is not to raise the flag.”

He wrote Howells: “If Tilden is elected I think the entire country will go pretty straight to—Mrs. Howells's bad place.”

He wrote to Howells: “If Tilden is elected, I think the whole country will head straight to—Mrs. Howells's bad place.”

Howells was writing a campaign biography of Hayes, which he hoped would have a large sale, and Clemens urged him to get it out quickly and save the country. Howells, working like a beaver, in turn urged Clemens to take the field in the cause. Returning to Hartford, Clemens presided at a political rally and made a speech, the most widely quoted of the campaign. All papers, without distinction as to party, quoted it, and all readers, regardless of politics, read it with joy.

Howells was working on a campaign biography of Hayes, hoping it would sell well, and Clemens urged him to finish it quickly to help the country. Howells, working tirelessly, in turn encouraged Clemens to get involved in the cause. After returning to Hartford, Clemens led a political rally and delivered a speech that became the most quoted of the campaign. All newspapers, regardless of their political affiliation, published it, and readers from all backgrounds enjoyed it.

Yet conditions did not improve. When Howells's book had been out a reasonable length of time he wrote that it had sold only two thousand copies.

Yet conditions did not improve. When Howells's book had been out for a reasonable amount of time, he wrote that it had sold only two thousand copies.

“There's success for you,” he said. “It makes me despair of the Republic, I can tell you.”

“There's success for you,” he said. “It makes me lose hope in the Republic, I can tell you.”

Clemens, however, did not lose faith, and went on shouting for Hayes and damning Tilden till the final vote was cast. In later life he changed his mind about Tilden (as did many others) through sympathy. Sympathy could make Mark Twain change his mind any time. He stood for the right, but, above all, for justice. He stood for the wronged, regardless of all other things.

Clemens, however, didn’t lose hope and kept shouting for Hayes and cursing Tilden until the last vote was counted. Later in life, he changed his opinion about Tilden (just like many others) out of sympathy. Sympathy could make Mark Twain change his mind at any moment. He stood for what was right, but above all, he stood for justice. He stood up for the wronged, no matter what.





CIX. THE PUBLIC APPEARANCE OF “TOM SAWYER”

Clemens gave a few readings in Boston and Philadelphia, but when urged to go elsewhere made the excuse that he was having his portrait painted and could not leave home.

Clemens did a few readings in Boston and Philadelphia, but when encouraged to travel to other places, he made up an excuse that he was having his portrait painted and couldn’t leave home.

As a matter of fact, he was enjoying himself with Frank Millet, who had been invited to the house to do the portrait and had captured the fervent admiration of the whole family. Millet was young, handsome, and lively; Clemens couldn't see enough of him, the children adored him and added his name to the prayer which included each member of the household—the “Holy Family,” Clemens called it.

In fact, he was having a good time with Frank Millet, who had been invited to the house to paint the portrait and had won the heartfelt admiration of the entire family. Millet was young, handsome, and full of energy; Clemens couldn’t get enough of him. The kids loved him and included his name in their nightly prayers, which encompassed everyone in the household—the “Holy Family,” as Clemens referred to it.

Millet had brought with him but one piece of canvas for the portrait, and when the first sketch was finished Mrs. Clemens was so delighted with it that she did not wish him to touch it again. She was afraid of losing some particular feeling in it which she valued. Millet went to the city for another canvas and Clemens accompanied him. While Millet was doing his shopping it happened to occur to Clemens that it would be well to fill in the time by having his hair cut. He left word with a clerk to tell Millet that he had gone across the street. By and by the artist came over, and nearly wept with despair when he saw his subject sheared of the auburn, gray-sprinkled aureola that had made his first sketch a success. He tried it again, and the result was an excellent likeness, but it never satisfied Millet.

Millet had brought only one piece of canvas for the portrait, and when he finished the first sketch, Mrs. Clemens was so thrilled with it that she didn’t want him to change a thing. She was worried about losing the special feeling in it that she treasured. Millet went to the city for another canvas, and Clemens went along with him. While Millet was shopping, Clemens thought it would be a good idea to get a haircut to pass the time. He left a note with a clerk to inform Millet that he had gone across the street. Eventually, the artist came over and nearly cried in despair when he saw that his subject had lost the auburn, gray-streaked hair that had made his first sketch successful. He tried again, and the result was a great likeness, but it never satisfied Millet.

The 'Adventures of Tom Sawyer' appeared late in December (1876), and immediately took its place as foremost of American stories of boy life, a place which it unquestionably holds to this day. We have already considered the personal details of this story, for they were essentially nothing more than the various aspects of Mark Twain's own boyhood. It is only necessary to add a word concerning the elaboration of this period in literary form.

The 'Adventures of Tom Sawyer' was published in late December (1876) and quickly became the leading American story about boyhood, a status it undoubtedly still holds today. We've already looked at the personal details of this story, as they are essentially just different facets of Mark Twain's own childhood. It’s only necessary to add a note about how this period was developed in literary form.

From every point it is a masterpiece, this picture of boy life in a little lazy, drowsy town, with all the irresponsibility and general disreputability of boy character coupled with that indefinable, formless, elusive something we call boy conscience, which is more likely to be boy terror and a latent instinct of manliness. These things are so truly portrayed that every boy and man reader finds the tale fitting into his own remembered years, as if it had grown there. Every boy has played off sick to escape school; every boy has reflected in his heart Tom's picture of himself being brought home dead, and gloated over the stricken consciences of those who had blighted his young life; every boy—of that day, at least—every normal, respectable boy, grew up to “fear God and dread the Sunday-school,” as Howells puts it in his review.

From every angle, this depiction of boyhood in a small, laid-back town is a masterpiece, capturing all the irresponsibility and general mischief of boys alongside that hard-to-define, elusive quality we call boy conscience, which is more about boyish fear and a hidden sense of masculinity. These elements are so accurately represented that every boy and man reading the story feels it resonate with their own memories, as if it had always been part of their lives. Every boy has pretended to be sick to skip school; every boy has imagined the scenario of himself being brought home dead, taking pleasure in the guilt of those who negatively affected his childhood; every boy—at least those from that time—every normal, respectable boy, grew up to “fear God and dread the Sunday school,” as Howells notes in his review.

As for the story itself, the narrative of it, it is pure delight. The pirate camp on the island is simply boy heaven. What boy, for instance, would not change any other glory or boon that the world holds for this:

As for the story itself, the narrative is pure delight. The pirate camp on the island is literally every boy's dream. What boy, for example, wouldn't trade any other glory or blessing the world has to offer for this?

    They built a fire against the side of a great log twenty or thirty
    steps within the somber depths of the forest, and then cooked some
    bacon in the frying-pan for supper, and used up half of the corn
    “pone” stock they had brought. It seemed glorious sport to be
    feasting in that wild, free way in the virgin forest of an
    unexplored and uninhabited island, far from the haunts of men, and
    they said they never would return to civilization. The climbing
    fire lit up their faces and threw its ruddy glare upon the pillared
    tree-trunks of their forest-temple, and upon the varnished foliage
    and the festooning vines.
They built a fire against the side of a huge log, twenty or thirty steps into the dark depths of the forest, and then cooked some bacon in a frying pan for dinner, using up half of the cornbread they had brought. It felt amazing to be enjoying a meal in such a wild, free way in the untouched forest of an unexplored and uninhabited island, far from the hustle and bustle of civilization, and they said they would never go back. The flickering fire lit up their faces and cast a warm glow on the tall tree trunks of their forest sanctuary, along with the shiny leaves and hanging vines.

There is a magic in it. Mark Twain, when he wrote it, felt renewed in him all the old fascination of those days and nights with Tom Blankenship, John Briggs, and the Bowen boys on Glasscock's Island. Everywhere in Tom Sawyer there is a quality, entirely apart from the humor and the narrative, which the younger reader is likely to overlook. No one forgets the whitewashing scene, but not many of us, from our early reading, recall this delicious bit of description which introduces it:

There’s something special about it. Mark Twain, when he wrote it, felt all the old excitement of those days and nights with Tom Blankenship, John Briggs, and the Bowen boys on Glasscock's Island come rushing back to him. Throughout Tom Sawyer, there’s a quality that goes beyond the humor and the storytelling, which younger readers are likely to miss. Everyone remembers the whitewashing scene, but not many of us from our early reading remember this delightful description that introduces it:

    The locust-trees were in bloom, and the fragrance of the blossoms
    filled the air. Cardiff Hill, beyond the village and above it, was
    green with vegetation, and it lay just far enough away to seem a
    delectable land, dreamy, reposeful, and inviting.
    The locust trees were in bloom, and the scent of the flowers filled the air. Cardiff Hill, beyond the village and above it, was lush with greenery, and it was just far enough away to seem like an enticing place, dreamy, peaceful, and inviting.

Tom's night visit home; the graveyard scene, with the murder of Dr. Robinson; the adventures of Tom and Becky in the cave—these are all marvelously invented. Literary thrill touches the ultimate in one incident of the cave episode. Brander Matthews has written:

Tom's late-night visit home; the graveyard scene, where Dr. Robinson is murdered; the adventures of Tom and Becky in the cave—these are all incredibly imaginative. The literary excitement reaches its peak in one moment of the cave episode. Brander Matthews has written:

    Nor is there any situation quite as thrilling as that awful moment
    in the cave when the boy and girl are lost in the darkness, and when
    Tom suddenly sees a human hand bearing a light, and then finds that
    the hand is the hand of Indian Joe, his one mortal enemy. I have
    always thought that the vision of the hand in the cave in Tom Sawyer
    was one of the very finest things in the literature of adventure
    since Robinson Crusoe first saw a single footprint in the sand of
    the sea-shore.
    Nor is there any situation quite as thrilling as that terrible moment in the cave when the boy and girl are lost in the dark, and when Tom suddenly sees a human hand holding a light, only to discover that the hand belongs to Injun Joe, his mortal enemy. I’ve always thought that the sight of the hand in the cave in Tom Sawyer was one of the best moments in adventure literature since Robinson Crusoe first spotted a single footprint in the sand.

Mark Twain's invention was not always a reliable quantity, but with that eccentricity which goes with any attribute of genius, it was likely at any moment to rise supreme. If to the critical, hardened reader the tale seems a shade overdone here and there, a trifle extravagant in its delineations, let him go back to his first long-ago reading of it and see if he recalls anything but his pure delight in it then. As a boy's story it has not been equaled.

Mark Twain's creativity wasn't always consistent, but with the quirkiness that often comes with genius, it could suddenly shine through. If the critical reader thinks the story feels a bit over-the-top in parts, let them remember their first reading experience and see if they recall anything but the pure enjoyment it brought them at that time. As a story for boys, it hasn’t been matched.

Tom Sawyer has ranked in popularity with Roughing It.

Tom Sawyer has been as popular as Roughing It.

Its sales go steadily on from year to year, and are likely to continue so long as boys and girls do not change, and men and women remember. —[Col. Henry Watterson, when he finished Tom Sawyer, wrote: “I have just laid down Tom Sawyer, and cannot resist the pressure. It is immense! I read every word of it, didn't skip a line, and nearly disgraced myself several times in the presence of a sleeping-car full of honorable and pious people. Once I had to get to one side and have a cry, and as for an internal compound of laughter and tears there was no end to it.... The 'funeral' of the boys, the cave business, and the hunt for the hidden treasure are as dramatic as anything I know of in fiction, while the pathos—particularly everything relating to Huck and Aunt Polly—makes a cross between Dickens's skill and Thackeray's nature, which, resembling neither, is thoroughly impressive and original.”]

Its sales keep growing every year and will probably keep doing so as long as kids remain the same and adults remember. —[Col. Henry Watterson, after finishing Tom Sawyer, wrote: “I have just put down Tom Sawyer, and I can’t resist the urge to express my feelings. It’s overwhelming! I read every word, didn’t skip a line, and almost embarrassed myself several times in front of a sleeping-car full of respectable and religious people. Once, I had to step aside and cry, and as for the mix of laughter and tears, there was no end to it.... The 'funeral' of the boys, the cave adventure, and the search for hidden treasure are as dramatic as anything I’ve encountered in fiction, while the emotion—especially everything about Huck and Aunt Polly—combines Dickens's talent with Thackeray's depth, which, being unique, is truly impressive and original.”]





CX. MARK TWAIN AND BRET HARTE WRITE A PLAY

It was the fall and winter of '76 that Bret Harte came to Hartford and collaborated with Mark Twain on the play “Ah Sin,” a comedy-drama, or melodrama, written for Charles T. Parsloe, the great impersonator of Chinese character. Harte had written a successful play which unfortunately he had sold outright for no great sum, and was eager for another venture. Harte had the dramatic sense and constructive invention. He also had humor, but he felt the need of the sort of humor that Mark Twain could furnish. Furthermore, he believed that a play backed by both their reputations must start with great advantages. Clemens also realized these things, and the arrangement was made. Speaking of their method of working, Clemens once said:

It was the fall and winter of '76 when Bret Harte came to Hartford and teamed up with Mark Twain to create the play “Ah Sin,” a comedy-drama, or melodrama, written for Charles T. Parsloe, the renowned impersonator of Chinese characters. Harte had previously written a successful play that he had unfortunately sold outright for a modest amount, and he was eager for another opportunity. Harte had a strong sense of drama and creative ideas. He also had a sense of humor, but he needed the kind of humor that Mark Twain could provide. Moreover, he believed that a play supported by both their reputations would have a significant advantage. Clemens understood this as well, and they made the arrangement. Reflecting on their working method, Clemens once said:

“Well, Bret came down to Hartford and we talked it over, and then Bret wrote it while I played billiards, but of course I had to go over it to get the dialect right. Bret never did know anything about dialect.” Which is hardly a fair statement of the case. They both worked on the play, and worked hard.

“Well, Bret came down to Hartford and we talked it over, and then Bret wrote it while I played pool, but of course I had to go over it to get the dialect right. Bret never really understood anything about dialect.” Which is not a fair representation of the situation. They both put in a lot of effort into the play.

During the period of its construction Harte had an order for a story which he said he must finish at once, as he needed the money. It must be delivered by the following night, and he insisted that he must be getting at it without a moment's delay. Still he seemed in no haste to begin. The evening passed; bedtime came. Then he asked that an open fire might be made in his room and a bottle of whisky sent up, in case he needed something to keep him awake. George attended to these matters, and nothing more was heard of Harte until very early next morning, when he rang for George and asked for a fresh fire and an additional supply of whisky. At breakfast-time he appeared, fresh, rosy, and elate, with the announcement that his story was complete.

During the time he was working on it, Harte had an assignment for a story that he said he had to finish right away because he needed the money. It was due by the next night, and he insisted that he needed to get started without delay. However, he didn’t seem in a rush to begin. The evening went by; bedtime arrived. Then he requested that a fire be lit in his room and a bottle of whisky be sent up, just in case he needed something to keep him awake. George took care of these things, and nothing was heard from Harte until very early the next morning when he called for George and asked for a new fire and more whisky. At breakfast, he showed up looking fresh, rosy, and cheerful, announcing that his story was finished.

That forenoon the Saturday Morning Club met at the Clemens home. It was a young women's club, of which Mark Twain was a sort of honorary member—a club for the purpose of intellectual advancement, somewhat on the order of the Monday Evening Club of men, except that the papers read before it were not prepared by members, but by men and women prominent in some field of intellectual progress. Bret Harte had agreed to read to them on this particular occasion, and he gaily appeared and gave them the story just finished, “Thankful Blossom,” a tale which Mark Twain always regarded as one of Harte's very best.

That morning, the Saturday Morning Club gathered at the Clemens home. It was a group of young women, with Mark Twain serving as a sort of honorary member—a club aimed at intellectual growth, similar to the Monday Evening Club for men, but the presentations were given by notable figures in various fields instead of club members. Bret Harte had agreed to present his work on this occasion, and he cheerfully arrived to share his freshly completed story, “Thankful Blossom,” a tale that Mark Twain always considered one of Harte's best.

The new play, “Ah Sin,” by Mark Twain and Bret Harte, was put on at Washington, at the National Theater, on the evening of May 7, 1877. It had been widely exploited in the newspapers, and the fame of the authors insured a crowded opening. Clemens was unable to go over on account of a sudden attack of bronchitis. Parsloe was nervous accordingly, and the presence of Harte does not seem to have added to his happiness.

The new play, “Ah Sin,” by Mark Twain and Bret Harte, premiered in Washington at the National Theater on the evening of May 7, 1877. It had been heavily promoted in the newspapers, and the authors' fame guaranteed a full house for opening night. Clemens couldn’t attend due to a sudden case of bronchitis. Parsloe was understandably anxious, and Harte’s presence doesn’t seem to have improved his mood.

“I am not very well myself,” he wrote to Clemens. “The excitement of the first night is bad enough, but to have the annoyance with Harte that I have is too much for a new beginner.”

“I’m not feeling great myself,” he wrote to Clemens. “The excitement of the first night is tough enough, but dealing with the hassle from Harte that I have is just too much for a newcomer.”

Nevertheless, the play seems to have gone well, with Parsloe as Ah Sin—a Chinese laundryman who was also a great number of other diverting things—with a fair support and a happy-go-lucky presentation of frontier life, which included a supposed murder, a false accusation, and a general clearing-up of mystery by the pleasant and wily and useful and entertaining Ah Sin. It was not a great play. It was neither very coherent nor convincing, but it had a lot of good fun in it, with character parts which, if not faithful to life, were faithful enough to the public conception of it to be amusing and exciting. At the end of each act not only Parsloe, but also the principal members of the company, were called before the curtain for special acknowledgments. When it was over there was a general call for Ah Sin, who came before the curtain and read a telegram.

The play seemed to go well, with Parsloe as Ah Sin—a Chinese laundryman who was also a mix of other entertaining roles—with decent support and a carefree portrayal of frontier life, which included a supposed murder, a false accusation, and a general unraveling of the mystery by the charming, clever, and entertaining Ah Sin. It wasn't a great play. It wasn't very coherent or convincing, but it had plenty of fun, with character parts that, while not entirely true to life, were close enough to public perception to be enjoyable and thrilling. At the end of each act, not just Parsloe, but also the main cast members were called out in front of the curtain for special recognition. When it ended, there was a big demand for Ah Sin, who came out and read a telegram.

CHARLES T. PARSLOE,—I am on the sick-list, and therefore cannot come to Washington; but I have prepared two speeches—one to deliver in event of failure of the play, and the other if successful. Please tell me which I shall send. May be better to put it to vote.

CHARLES T. PARSLOE,—I’m on the sick list and can’t come to Washington; however, I’ve prepared two speeches—one for if the play fails and the other for if it succeeds. Please let me know which one I should send. It might be better to put it to a vote.

                            MARK TWAIN.
Mark Twain.

The house cheered the letter, and when it was put to vote decided unanimously that the play had been a success—a verdict more kindly than true.

The house welcomed the letter, and when it was put to a vote, it unanimously agreed that the play had been a success—a judgment that was more generous than accurate.

J. I. Ford, of the theater management, wrote to Clemens, next morning after the first performance, urging him to come to Washington in person and “wet nurse” the play until “it could do for itself.”

J. I. Ford, from the theater management, wrote to Clemens the next morning after the first performance, urging him to come to Washington in person and "support" the play until "it could stand on its own."

Ford expressed satisfaction with the play and its prospects, and concludes:

Ford expressed satisfaction with the play and its potential, and concludes:

I inclose notices. Come if you can. “Your presence will be worth ten thousand men. The king's name is a tower of strength.” I have urged the President to come to-night.

I’m enclosing notices. Come if you can.

The play made no money in Washington, but Augustin Daly decided to put it on in New York at the Fifth Avenue Theater, with a company which included, besides Parsloe, Edmund Collier, P. A. Anderson, Dora Goldthwaite, Henry Crisp, and Mrs. Wells, a very worthy group of players indeed. Clemens was present at the opening, dressed in white, which he affected only for warm-weather use in those days, and made a speech at the end of the third act.

The play didn't make any money in Washington, but Augustin Daly decided to stage it in New York at the Fifth Avenue Theater, with a cast that included, besides Parsloe, Edmund Collier, P. A. Anderson, Dora Goldthwaite, Henry Crisp, and Mrs. Wells, a very impressive group of actors. Clemens attended the opening dressed in white, which he only wore in warm weather back then, and delivered a speech at the end of the third act.

“Ah Sin” did not excite much enthusiasm among New York dramatic critics. The houses were promising for a time, but for some reason the performance as a whole did not contain the elements of prosperity. It set out on its provincial travels with no particular prestige beyond the reputation of its authors; and it would seem that this was not enough, for it failed to pay, and all parties concerned presently abandoned it to its fate and it was heard of no more. Just why “Ah Sin” did not prosper it would not become us to decide at this far remove of time and taste. Poorer plays have succeeded and better plays have failed since then, and no one has ever been able to demonstrate the mystery. A touch somewhere, a pulling-about and a readjustment, might have saved “Ah Sin,” but the pullings and haulings which they gave it did not. Perhaps it still lies in some managerial vault, and some day may be dragged to light and reconstructed and recast, and come into its reward. Who knows? Or it may have drifted to that harbor of forgotten plays, whence there is no returning.

“Ah Sin” didn’t generate much excitement among New York theater critics. The initial audience turnout looked promising, but for some reason, the overall performance lacked the elements of success. It began its regional tour without any significant prestige aside from its writers' names, and that didn’t seem to be enough, as it struggled to turn a profit. Eventually, everyone involved left it to its fate, and it faded into obscurity. It's hard to say why “Ah Sin” didn’t succeed from our current perspective on time and taste. We’ve seen worse plays do well and better ones flop since then, and no one has ever figured out the mystery. A minor adjustment or two might have saved “Ah Sin,” but the changes they made didn’t help. Maybe it still sits in some manager’s archives, waiting for a day when it could be revived and reimagined, finally getting its due. Who knows? Or it might have drifted to that place where forgotten plays go, never to return.

As between Harte and Clemens, the whole matter was unfortunate. In the course of their association there arose a friction and the long-time friendship disappeared.

Between Harte and Clemens, the whole situation was unfortunate. During their time together, some tension developed and their long-standing friendship faded away.





CXI. A BERMUDA HOLIDAY

On the 16th of May, 1877, Mark Twain set out on what, in his note-book, he declared to be “the first actual pleasure-trip” he had ever taken, meaning that on every previous trip he had started with a purpose other than that of mere enjoyment. He took with him his friend and pastor, the Rev. Joseph H. Twichell, and they sailed for Bermuda, an island resort not so well known or so fashionable as to-day.

On May 16, 1877, Mark Twain embarked on what he called in his notebook “the first real pleasure trip” he had ever taken, meaning that on all his previous trips he had left with a purpose beyond just having fun. He brought along his friend and pastor, the Rev. Joseph H. Twichell, and they set sail for Bermuda, an island getaway that wasn’t as well-known or trendy as it is today.

They did not go to a hotel. Under assumed names they took up quarters in a boarding-house, with a Mrs. Kirkham, and were unmolested and altogether happy in their wanderings through four golden days. Mark Twain could not resist keeping a note-book, setting down bits of scenery and character and incident, just as he had always done. He was impressed with the cheapness of property and living in the Bermuda of that period. He makes special mention of some cottages constructed of coral blocks: “All as beautiful and as neat as a pin, at the cost of four hundred and eighty dollars each.” To Twichell he remarked:

They didn't stay at a hotel. Using fake names, they settled into a boarding house run by Mrs. Kirkham, and they went about their days feeling completely undisturbed and happy for four golden days. Mark Twain couldn’t help but keep a notebook, jotting down snippets of scenery, characters, and incidents, just like he always did. He was struck by how inexpensive property and living were in Bermuda at that time. He specifically mentioned some cottages made of coral blocks: “All as beautiful and neat as a pin, costing just four hundred and eighty dollars each.” To Twichell, he said:

“Joe, this place is like Heaven, and I'm going to make the most of it.”

“Joe, this place is amazing, and I'm going to make the most of it.”

“Mark,” said Twichell, “that's right; make the most of a place that is like Heaven while you have a chance.”

“Mark,” Twichell said, “that's right; enjoy a place that feels like Heaven while you can.”

In one of the entries—the final one—Clemens says:

In the last entry, Clemens says:

“Bermuda is free (at present) from the triple curse of railways, telegraphs, and newspapers, but this will not last the year. I propose to spend next year here and no more.”

“Bermuda is currently free from the triple burden of railways, telegraphs, and newspapers, but that won’t last for long. I plan to stay here next year and not any longer.”

When they were ready to leave, and started for the steamer, Twichell made an excuse to go back, his purpose being to tell their landlady and her daughter that, without knowing it, they had been entertaining Mark Twain.

When they were ready to leave and headed for the steamer, Twichell came up with an excuse to go back. His goal was to let their landlady and her daughter know that, without realizing it, they had been hosting Mark Twain.

“Did you ever hear of Mark Twain?” asked Twichell.

“Have you ever heard of Mark Twain?” asked Twichell.

The daughter answered.

The daughter replied.

“Yes,” she said, “until I'm tired of the name. I know a young man who never talks of anything else.”

"Yes," she said, "until I'm tired of the name. I know a young guy who never talks about anything else."

“Well,” said Twichell, “that gentleman with me is Mark Twain.”

“Well,” said Twichell, “that guy with me is Mark Twain.”

The Kirkhams declined to believe it at first, and then were in deep sorrow that they had not known it earlier. Twichell promised that he and Clemens would come back the next year; and they meant to go back—we always mean to go back to places—but it was thirty years before they returned at last, and then their pleasant landlady was dead.

The Kirkhams couldn't believe it at first, and then they felt deep sadness for not having known it sooner. Twichell promised that he and Clemens would return the following year; and they intended to go back—we always plan to revisit places—but it took thirty years before they finally returned, and by then their friendly landlady had passed away.

On the home trip they sighted a wandering vessel, manned by blacks, trying to get to New York. She had no cargo and was pretty helpless. Later, when she was reported again, Clemens wrote about it in a Hartford paper, telling the story as he knew it. The vessel had shipped the crew, on a basis of passage to New York, in exchange for labor. So it was a “pleasure-excursion!” Clemens dwelt on this fancy:

On the way home, they spotted a drifting boat, crewed by Black people, trying to reach New York. It had no cargo and was in a tough spot. Later, when it was reported again, Clemens wrote about it in a Hartford newspaper, sharing the story as he understood it. The boat had hired its crew with the promise of taking them to New York in exchange for their labor. So it was a “pleasure trip!” Clemens focused on this idea:

    I have heard of a good many pleasure-excursions, but this heads the
    list. It is monumental, and if ever the tired old tramp is found I
    should like to be there and see him in his sorrowful rags and his
    venerable head of grass and seaweed, and hear the ancient mariners
    tell the story of their mysterious wanderings through the solemn
    solitudes of the ocean.
    I’ve heard about a lot of enjoyable trips, but this one tops them all. It’s remarkable, and if the weary old traveler is ever discovered, I would love to be there and see him in his tattered clothes and his old head filled with grass and seaweed, and listen to the seasoned sailors share the tales of their mysterious journeys through the quiet stretches of the ocean.

Long afterward this vagrant craft was reported again, still drifting with the relentless Gulf Stream. Perhaps she reached New York in time; one would like to know, but there seems no good way to find out.

Long after that, this wandering ship was spotted again, still being carried along by the relentless Gulf Stream. Maybe she made it to New York eventually; it would be nice to know, but there doesn't seem to be a good way to find out.

That first Bermuda voyage was always a happy memory to Mark Twain. To Twichell he wrote that it was the “joyousest trip” he had ever made:

That first trip to Bermuda was always a happy memory for Mark Twain. In a letter to Twichell, he said it was the "most joyful trip" he had ever taken:

    Not a heartache anywhere, not a twinge of conscience. I often come
    to myself out of a reverie and detect an undertone of thought that
    had been thinking itself without volition of mind—viz., that if we
    had only had ten days of those walks and talks instead of four.
    Not a heartache in sight, not a flicker of guilt. I often snap back to reality from a daydream and notice a lingering thought that had been processing itself without any conscious effort—specifically, that if only we had ten days of those walks and talks instead of just four.

There was but one regret: Howells had not been with them. Clemens denounced him for his absence:

There was just one regret: Howells hadn’t been with them. Clemens criticized him for being absent:

    If you had gone with us and let me pay the fifty dollars, which the
    trip and the board and the various knick-knacks and mementos would
    cost, I would have picked up enough droppings from your conversation
    to pay me five hundred per cent. profit in the way of the several
    magazine articles which I could have written; whereas I can now
    write only one or two, and am therefore largely out of pocket by
    your proud ways.
    If you had come with us and let me cover the fifty dollars for the trip, accommodations, and all the little souvenirs, I would have gathered enough material from our conversations to make a five hundred percent profit from the magazine articles I could have written. Instead, I can only write one or two, leaving me significantly out of pocket because of your stubbornness.

Clemens would not fail to write about his trip. He could not help doing that, and he began “Some Rambling Notes of an Idle Excursion” as soon as he landed in Hartford. They were quite what the name would signify—leisurely, pleasant commentaries on a loafing, peaceful vacation. They are not startling in their humor or description, but are gently amusing and summery, reflecting, bubble-like, evanescent fancies of Bermuda. Howells, shut up in a Boston editorial office, found them delightful enough, and very likely his Atlantic readers agreed with him. The story of “Isaac and the Prophets of Baal” was one that Capt. Ned Wakeman had told to Twichell during a voyage which the latter had made to Aspinwall with that vigorous old seafarer; so in the “Rambling Notes” Wakeman appears as Captain Hurricane Jones, probably a step in the evolution of the later name of Stormfield. The best feature of the series (there were four papers in all) is a story of a rescue in mid-ocean; but surely the brightest ripple of humor is the reference to Bermuda's mahogany-tree:

Clemens definitely wrote about his trip. He couldn't help it, and he started “Some Rambling Notes of an Idle Excursion” as soon as he got to Hartford. They were exactly what the title suggests—casual, enjoyable reflections on a relaxing, peaceful vacation. They aren’t particularly striking in their humor or detail, but they're gently funny and summery, capturing the light, fleeting thoughts of Bermuda. Howells, stuck in a Boston editorial office, found them charming, and it’s likely that his Atlantic readers felt the same way. The story of “Isaac and the Prophets of Baal” was one that Capt. Ned Wakeman told Twichell during a trip to Aspinwall with that lively old sailor; so in the “Rambling Notes,” Wakeman is represented as Captain Hurricane Jones, probably a step towards the later name Stormfield. The best part of the series (which includes four papers) is a story about a rescue in the middle of the ocean; but surely the funniest moment is the mention of Bermuda's mahogany tree:

    There was exactly one mahogany-tree on the island. I know this to
    be reliable because I saw a man who said he had counted it many a
    time and could not be mistaken. He was a man with a haze lip and a
    pure heart, and everybody said he was as true as steel. Such men
    are all too few.
    There was exactly one mahogany tree on the island. I know this for sure because I saw a man who claimed he had counted it many times and couldn't be wrong. He was a guy with a droopy lip and a good heart, and everyone said he was as honest as they come. There aren't many men like him.

Clemens cared less for these papers than did Howells. He had serious doubts about the first two and suggested their destruction, but with Howells's appreciation his own confidence in them returned and he let them all go in. They did not especially advance his reputation, but perhaps they did it no harm.

Clemens cared less about these papers than Howells did. He had serious doubts about the first two and even suggested they be destroyed, but with Howells's support, his confidence in them came back and he decided to submit them all. They didn't really boost his reputation, but maybe they didn't hurt it either.





CXII. A NEW PLAY AND A NEW TALE

He wrote a short story that year which is notable mainly for the fact that in it the telephone becomes a literary property, probably for the first time. “The Loves of Alonzo Fitz-Clarence and Rosannah Ethelton” employed in the consummation what was then a prospect, rather than a reality—long-distance communication.

He wrote a short story that year which is significant mainly because, for probably the first time, the telephone is used as a literary element. “The Loves of Alonzo Fitz-Clarence and Rosannah Ethelton” utilized what was then just a possibility, rather than a reality—long-distance communication.

His work that summer consisted mainly of two extensive undertakings, one of which he completed without delay. He still had the dramatic ambition, and he believed that he was capable now of constructing a play entirely from his own resources.

His work that summer mainly involved two big projects, one of which he finished quickly. He still had a strong desire to create, and he believed he was now capable of writing a play entirely from his own ideas.

To Howells, in June, he wrote:

To Howells, he wrote in June:

To-day I am deep in a comedy which I began this morning—principal character an old detective. I skeletoned the first act and wrote the second to-day, and am dog-tired now. Fifty-four pages of MS. in seven hours.

Today, I’m working on a comedy that I started this morning—main character is an old detective. I outlined the first act and wrote the second today, and I’m completely exhausted now. Fifty-four pages of manuscript in seven hours.

Seven days later, the Fourth of July, he said:

Seven days later, on the Fourth of July, he said:

I have piled up one hundred and fifty-one pages on my comedy. The first, second and fourth acts are done, and done to my satisfaction, too. To-morrow and next day will finish the third act, and the play. Never had so much fun over anything in my life never such consuming interest and delight. And just think! I had Sol Smith Russell in my mind's eye for the old detective's part, and bang it! he has gone off pottering with Oliver Optic, or else the papers lie.

I’ve put together one hundred and fifty-one pages of my comedy. The first, second, and fourth acts are complete, and I’m really happy with them. Tomorrow and the next day, I’ll finish the third act and wrap up the play. I’ve never had so much fun with anything in my life—never been so engaged and excited. And just think! I had Sol Smith Russell in mind for the old detective’s role, and now he’s gone off messing around with Oliver Optic, or at least that’s what the papers say.

He was working with enthusiasm, you see, believing in it with a faith which, alas, was no warrant for its quality. Even Howells caught his enthusiasm and became eager to see the play, and to have the story it contained told for the Atlantic.

He was working with enthusiasm, you see, believing in it with a faith that, unfortunately, didn’t guarantee its quality. Even Howells caught his enthusiasm and became eager to see the play and have the story it contained told for the Atlantic.

But in the end it proved a mistake. Dion Boucicault, when he read the manuscript, pronounced it better than “Ah Sin,” but that was only qualified praise. Actors who considered the play, anxious enough to have Mark Twain's name on their posters and small bills, were obliged to admit that, while it contained marvelous lines, it wouldn't “go.” John Brougham wrote:

But in the end, it turned out to be a mistake. Dion Boucicault, after reading the manuscript, said it was better than “Ah Sin,” but that was only somewhat positive feedback. Actors who thought about the play, eager to feature Mark Twain's name on their posters and flyers, had to acknowledge that, even though it had some amazing lines, it wouldn't be successful. John Brougham wrote:

    There is an absolute “embarrassment of riches” in your “Detective”
     most assuredly, but the difficulty is to put it into profitable
    form. The quartz is there in abundance, only requiring the
    necessary manipulation to extract the gold.

    In narrative structure the story would be full of life, character,
    and the most exuberant fun, but it is altogether too diffuse in its
    present condition for dramatic representation, and I confess I do
    not feel sufficient confidence in my own experience (even if I had
    the time, which on reflection I find I have not) to undertake what,
    under different circumstances, would be a “labor of love.”

                     Yours sincerely,  JOHN BROUGHAM.
    There’s definitely an “embarrassment of riches” in your “Detective,” but the challenge is turning it into something valuable. The quartz is plentiful, just needing the right handling to get to the gold.

    In terms of storytelling, the narrative would be lively, full of character, and incredibly fun, but it’s currently too scattered for a dramatic presentation. I’ll admit I don’t have enough confidence in my own experience (even if I had the time, which I realize I don’t) to take on what would, under different circumstances, be a “labor of love.”

                     Yours sincerely,  JOHN BROUGHAM.

That was frank, manly, and to the point; it covered the ground exactly. “Simon Wheeler, the Amateur Detective,” had plenty of good material in it—plenty of dialogue and situations; but the dialogue wouldn't play, and the situations wouldn't act. Clemens realized that perhaps the drama was not, after all, his forte; he dropped “Simon Wheeler,” lost his interest in “Ah Sin,” even leased “Colonel Sellers” for the coming season, and so, in a sort of fury, put theatrical matters out of his mind.

That was straightforward, bold, and direct; it addressed everything perfectly. “Simon Wheeler, the Amateur Detective,” had a lot of great content—lots of dialogue and situations; but the dialogue just didn't work, and the situations fell flat. Clemens came to understand that maybe drama wasn’t really his strength after all; he abandoned “Simon Wheeler,” lost interest in “Ah Sin,” even rented out “Colonel Sellers” for the next season, and so, out of frustration, pushed theatrical concerns out of his mind.

He had entered upon what, for him, was a truer domain. One day he picked up from among the books at the farm a little juvenile volume, an English story of the thirteenth century by Charlotte M. Yonge, entitled, The Prince and the Page. It was a story of Edward I. and his cousins, Richard and Henry de Montfort; in part it told of the submerged personality of the latter, picturing him as having dwelt in disguise as a blind beggar for a period of years. It was a story of a sort and with a setting that Mark Twain loved, and as he read there came a correlative idea. Not only would he disguise a prince as a beggar, but a beggar as a prince. He would have them change places in the world, and each learn the burdens of the other's life.—[There is no point of resemblance between the Prince and the Pauper and the tale that inspired it. No one would ever guess that the one had grown out of the readings of the other, and no comparison of any sort is possible between them.]

He had stepped into what felt like a more authentic world for him. One day, he found a small children’s book among the ones at the farm, an English story from the thirteenth century by Charlotte M. Yonge, called The Prince and the Page. It was about Edward I and his cousins, Richard and Henry de Montfort; part of it portrayed Henry's hidden life, depicting him as having lived in disguise as a blind beggar for years. It was a type of story and setting that Mark Twain appreciated, and as he read, an idea came to him. Not only would he hide a prince as a beggar, but he would also disguise a beggar as a prince. He wanted them to switch places in the world and experience each other's struggles. —[There is no point of resemblance between the Prince and the Pauper and the tale that inspired it. No one would ever guess that one derived from the other’s readings, and no comparison of any sort is possible between them.]

The plot presented physical difficulties. He still had some lurking thought of stage performance, and saw in his mind a spectacular presentation, with all the costumery of an early period as background for a young and beautiful creature who would play the part of prince. The old device of changelings in the cradle (later used in Pudd'nhead Wilson) presented itself to him, but it could not provide the situations he had in mind. Finally came the thought of a playful interchange of raiment and state (with startling and unlooked-for consequence)—the guise and personality of Tom Canty, of Offal Court, for those of the son of Henry VIII., little Edward Tudor, more lately sixth English king of that name. This little prince was not his first selection for the part. His original idea had been to use the late King Edward VII. (then Prince of Wales) at about fifteen, but he found that it would never answer to lose a prince among the slums of modern London, and have his proud estate denied and jeered at by a modern mob. He felt that he could not make it seem real; so he followed back through history, looking along for the proper time and prince, till he came to little Edward, who was too young—but no matter, he would do.

The plot had its physical challenges. He still had some nagging thoughts about stage performance and envisioned a stunning presentation, complete with all the costumes of an earlier era, as a backdrop for a young and beautiful character playing the prince. The old idea of changelings in the cradle (later used in Pudd'nhead Wilson) came to mind, but it didn't fit the scenarios he was imagining. Eventually, he thought about a playful exchange of clothing and status (with surprising and unexpected results)—the appearance and personality of Tom Canty from Offal Court, swapped with that of young Edward Tudor, the son of Henry VIII., who was later the sixth English king of that name. This little prince wasn't his first choice for the role. Initially, he had considered using the late King Edward VII. (then Prince of Wales) at around age fifteen, but he realized it wouldn’t work to lose a prince among the slums of modern London and have his noble status mocked by the contemporary crowd. He felt he couldn't make it believable; so he searched through history, looking for the right era and prince, until he settled on little Edward, who was too young—but that was fine, he would do.

He decided to begin his new venture in story form. He could dramatize it later. The situation appealed to him immensely. The idea seemed a brand-new one; it was delightful, it was fascinating, and he was saturated with the atmosphere and literature and history—the data and detail of that delightful old time. He put away all thought of cheap, modern play-acting and writing, to begin one of the loveliest and most entertaining and instructive tales of old English life. He decided to be quite accurate in his picture of the period, and he posted himself on old London very carefully. He bought a pocket-map which he studied in the minutest detail.

He decided to kick off his new project in the form of a story. He could always add drama later. The situation excited him a lot. The idea felt completely fresh; it was charming, it was intriguing, and he was immersed in the atmosphere of literature and history—the details of that delightful old era. He pushed aside any thoughts of shallow, modern acting and writing to embark on one of the most beautiful, entertaining, and enlightening tales of old English life. He vowed to be accurate in depicting the period and took great care to familiarize himself with old London. He bought a pocket map that he studied in detail.

He wrote about four hundred manuscript pages of the tale that summer; then, as the inspiration seemed to lag a little, put it aside, as was his habit, to wait until the ambition for it should be renewed. It was a long wait, as usual. He did not touch it again for more than three years.

He wrote around four hundred pages of the story that summer; then, when his inspiration started to fade a bit, he set it aside, which was his usual practice, to wait until his motivation returned. It was a long wait, as always. He didn't look at it again for over three years.





CXIII. TWO DOMESTIC DRAMAS

Some unusual happenings took place that summer of 1877. John T. Lewis (colored), already referred to as the religious antagonist of Auntie Cord, by great presence of mind and bravery saved the lives of Mrs. Clemens's sister-in-law, Mrs. Charles (“Charley”) Langdon, her little daughter Julia, and her nurse-maid. They were in a buggy, and their runaway horse was flying down East Hill toward Elmira to certain destruction, when Lewis, laboring slowly homeward with a loaded wagon, saw them coming and turned his team across the road, after which he leaped out and with extraordinary strength and quickness grabbed the horse's bridle and brought him to a standstill. The Clemens and Crane families, who had seen the runaway start at the farm gate, arrived half wild with fear, only to find the supposed victims entirely safe.

Some unusual events occurred that summer of 1877. John T. Lewis (African American), already known as the religious rival of Auntie Cord, showed great presence of mind and bravery as he saved the lives of Mrs. Clemens's sister-in-law, Mrs. Charles (“Charley”) Langdon, her little daughter Julia, and her nursemaid. They were in a buggy, and their runaway horse was racing down East Hill toward Elmira, headed for disaster when Lewis, making his way home with a loaded wagon, saw them coming and crossed his team in the road. He then jumped out and, with exceptional strength and speed, grabbed the horse's bridle and brought it to a stop. The Clemens and Crane families, who had watched the runaway start at the farm gate, arrived in a panic, only to find the supposed victims completely safe.

Everybody contributed in rewarding Lewis. He received money ($1,500) and various other presents, including inscribed books and trinkets, also, what he perhaps valued more than anything, a marvelous stem-winding gold watch. Clemens, writing a full account to Dr. Brown of the watch, says:

Everybody pitched in to reward Lewis. He got money ($1,500) and several other gifts, including engraved books and trinkets, plus what he might have valued most of all, a beautiful stem-winding gold watch. Clemens, in a detailed letter to Dr. Brown about the watch, writes:

    And if any scoffer shall say, “behold this thing is out of
    character,” there is an inscription within which will silence him;
    for it will teach him that this wearer aggrandizes the watch, not
    the watch the wearer.
And if any critic says, “look, this is out of character,” there’s an inscription inside that will shut him up; it will show him that the person wearing it makes the watch look good, not the watch making the person look good.

In another paragraph he says:

In another paragraph, he says:

    When Lewis arrived the other evening, after having saved those lives
    by a feat which I think is the most marvelous I can call to mind,
    when he arrived hunched up on his manure-wagon and as grotesquely
    picturesque as usual, everybody wanted to go and see how he looked.
    They came back and said he was beautiful. It was so, too, and yet
    he would have photographed exactly as he would have done any day
    these past seven years that he has occupied this farm.
    When Lewis showed up the other evening, after saving those lives in a way that I think is the most amazing thing I can remember, he arrived all hunched up on his manure wagon, looking as oddly charming as ever. Everyone wanted to go see how he looked. They came back and said he was beautiful. And he really was, but he would have photographed exactly like he has any day over the past seven years that he’s been living on this farm.

Lewis acknowledged his gifts in a letter which closed with a paragraph of rare native loftiness:

Lewis acknowledged his talents in a letter that ended with a paragraph of remarkable natural elegance:

    But I beg to say, humbly, that inasmuch as divine Providence saw fit
    to use me as an instrument for the saving of those preshious lives,
    the honner conferd upon me was greater than the feat performed.
But I humbly ask to say that since divine Providence chose to use me as a tool to save those precious lives, the honor granted to me was greater than the achievement itself.

Lewis lived to enjoy his prosperity, and the honor of the Clemens and Langdon households, for twenty-nine years. When he was too old to work there was a pension, to which Clemens contributed; also Henry H. Rogers. So the simple-hearted, noble old negro closed his days in peace.

Lewis lived to enjoy his success and the respect of the Clemens and Langdon families for twenty-nine years. When he was too old to work, he received a pension, which Clemens helped fund, along with Henry H. Rogers. So the kind-hearted, noble old man spent his final days in peace.

Mrs. Crane, in a letter, late in July, 1906, told of his death:

Mrs. Crane, in a letter, late in July, 1906, shared the news of his death:

    He was always cheerful, and seemed not to suffer much pain, told
    stories, and was able to eat almost everything.

    Three days ago a new difficulty appeared, on account of which his
    doctor said he must go to the hospital for care such as it was quite
    impossible to give in his home.

    He died on his way there.

    Thus it happened that he died on the road where he had performed his
    great deed.
    He was always upbeat and didn’t seem to feel much pain, told stories, and could eat almost anything.

    Three days ago, a new issue came up, which led his doctor to say he needed to go to the hospital for care that couldn’t possibly be given at home.

    He died on the way there.

    So, it turned out that he died on the road where he had done his great deed.

A second unusual incident of that summer occurred in Hartford. There had been a report of a strange man seen about the Clemens place, thought to be a prospecting burglar, and Clemens went over to investigate. A little searching inquiry revealed that the man was not a burglar, but a mechanic out of employment, a lover of one of the house-maids, who had given him food and shelter on the premises, intending no real harm. When the girl found that her secret was discovered, she protested that he was her fiance, though she said he appeared lately to have changed his mind and no longer wished to marry her.

A second strange incident that summer happened in Hartford. There had been a report of a suspicious man seen around the Clemens house, suspected to be a burglar, so Clemens went to check it out. A bit of digging revealed that the man wasn’t a burglar but rather a mechanic who was out of work and a boyfriend of one of the maids, who had given him food and a place to stay, with no real bad intentions. When the girl realized her secret was out, she insisted that he was her fiancé, although she mentioned that he seemed to have changed his mind lately and no longer wanted to marry her.

The girl seemed heartbroken, and sympathy for her was naturally the first and about the only feeling which Clemens developed, for the time being. He reasoned with the young man, but without making much headway. Finally his dramatic instinct prompted him to a plan of a sort which would have satisfied even Tom Sawyer. He asked Twichell to procure a license for the couple, and to conceal himself in a ground floor bath-room. He arranged with the chief of police to be on hand in another room; with the rest of the servants quietly to prepare a wedding-feast, and finally with Lizzie herself to be dressed for the ceremony. He had already made an appointment with the young man to come to see him at a certain hour on a “matter of business,” and the young man arrived in the belief, no doubt, that it was something which would lead to profitable employment. When he came in Clemens gently and quietly reviewed the situation, told him of the young girl's love for him; how he had been sheltered and fed by her; how through her kindness to him she had compromised her reputation for honesty and brought upon her all the suspicion of having sheltered a burglar; how she was ready and willing to marry him, and how he (Clemens) was ready to assist them to obtain work and a start in life.

The girl looked heartbroken, and sympathy for her was naturally the first and pretty much the only feeling that Clemens had for the time being. He talked to the young man but didn't make much progress. Finally, his dramatic instinct led him to a plan that would have even satisfied Tom Sawyer. He asked Twichell to get a marriage license for the couple and to hide in a ground floor bathroom. He arranged for the chief of police to be in another room, for the other staff to quietly prepare a wedding feast, and for Lizzie to get dressed for the ceremony. He had already set up a meeting with the young man for a certain hour under the pretense of a "business matter," and the young man arrived, probably believing it would lead to a job opportunity. When he came in, Clemens calmly reviewed the situation, told him about the young girl's love for him; how she had sheltered and fed him; how her kindness had compromised her reputation and brought suspicion of harboring a burglar upon her; how she was ready and willing to marry him, and how he (Clemens) was prepared to help them find work and a fresh start in life.

But the young man was not enthusiastic. He was a Swede and slow of action. He resolutely declared that he was not ready to marry yet, and in the end refused to do so. Then came the dramatic moment. Clemens quietly but firmly informed him that the wedding ceremony must take place; that by infesting his premises he had broken the law, not only against trespass, but most likely against house-breaking. There was a brief discussion of this point. Finally Clemens gave him five minutes to make up his mind, with the statement that he had an officer in waiting, and unless he would consent to the wedding he would be taken in charge. The young man began to temporize, saying that it would be necessary for him to get a license and a preacher. But Clemens stepped to the door of the bath-room, opened it, and let out Twichell, who had been sweltering there in that fearful place for more than an hour, it being August. The delinquent lover found himself confronted with all the requisites of matrimony except the bride, and just then this detail appeared on the scene, dressed for the occasion. Behind her ranged the rest of the servants and a few invited guests. Before the young man knew it he had a wife, and on the whole did not seem displeased. It ended with a gay supper and festivities. Then Clemens started them handsomely by giving each of them a check for one hundred dollars; and in truth (which in this case, at least, is stranger than fiction) they lived happily and prosperously ever after.

But the young man wasn't excited. He was a Swede and slow to act. He firmly said that he wasn't ready to get married yet, and in the end, he refused to do so. Then came the dramatic moment. Clemens quietly but firmly told him that the wedding had to happen; that by showing up at his place, he had broken the law, not just against trespassing but probably against breaking and entering too. There was a brief discussion about this. Finally, Clemens gave him five minutes to decide, saying he had an officer ready to step in, and unless he agreed to the wedding, he would be taken away. The young man started to hesitate, saying he would need to get a license and a preacher. But Clemens stepped to the bathroom door, opened it, and let out Twichell, who had been stuck in there for over an hour, since it was August. The reluctant groom found himself facing all the requirements for marriage except for the bride, and just then she arrived, dressed for the occasion. Behind her were the other servants and a few invited guests. Before the young man knew it, he had a wife, and overall, he didn't seem unhappy about it. It all ended with a cheerful dinner and a celebration. Then Clemens generously started them off by giving each of them a check for a hundred dollars; and in truth (which, at least in this case, is stranger than fiction), they lived happily and successfully ever after.

Some years later Mark Twain based a story on this episode, but it was never entirely satisfactory and remains unpublished.

Some years later, Mark Twain wrote a story inspired by this event, but it was never fully satisfactory and remains unpublished.





CXIV. THE WHITTIER BIRTHDAY SPEECH

It was the night of December 17, 1877, that Mark Twain made his unfortunate speech at the dinner given by the Atlantic staff to John G. Whittier on his seventieth birthday. Clemens had attended a number of the dinners which the Atlantic gave on one occasion or another, and had provided a part of the entertainment. It is only fair to say that his after-dinner speeches at such times had been regarded as very special events, genuine triumphs of humor and delivery. But on this particular occasion he determined to outdo himself, to prepare something unusual, startling, something altogether unheard of.

It was the night of December 17, 1877, when Mark Twain gave his unfortunate speech at the dinner hosted by the Atlantic staff for John G. Whittier's seventieth birthday. Clemens had attended several of the Atlantic's dinners over time and had contributed to the entertainment. It's fair to say that his after-dinner speeches at those events were considered very special, real triumphs of humor and delivery. However, on this particular occasion, he aimed to surpass himself, to create something unusual, surprising, and entirely unprecedented.

When Mark Twain had an impulse like that it was possible for it to result in something dangerous, especially in those earlier days. This time it produced a bombshell; not just an ordinary bombshell, or even a twelve-inch projectile, but a shell of planetary size. It was a sort of hoax-always a doubtful plaything—and in this case it brought even quicker and more terrible retribution than usual. It was an imaginary presentation of three disreputable frontier tramps who at some time had imposed themselves on a lonely miner as Longfellow, Emerson, and Holmes, quoting apposite selections from their verses to the accompaniment of cards and drink, and altogether conducting themselves in a most unsavory fashion. At the end came the enlightenment that these were not what they pretended to be, but only impostors—disgusting frauds. A feature like that would be a doubtful thing to try in any cultured atmosphere. The thought of associating, ever so remotely, those three old bummers which he had conjured up with the venerable and venerated Emerson, Longfellow, and Holmes, the Olympian trinity, seems ghastly enough to-day, and must have seemed even more so then. But Clemens, dazzled by the rainbow splendor of his conception, saw in it only a rare colossal humor, which would fairly lift and bear his hearers along on a tide of mirth. He did not show his effort to any one beforehand. He wanted its full beauty to burst upon the entire company as a surprise.

When Mark Twain had an urge like that, it could lead to something risky, especially back in the day. This time, it created a huge sensation; not just any old sensation, or even a twelve-inch shell, but one of cosmic proportions. It was a kind of prank—always a questionable gimmick—and in this case, it brought an even quicker and more severe backlash than usual. It was an imaginary portrayal of three shady drifters who at some point had pretended to be Longfellow, Emerson, and Holmes to a lonely miner, reciting fitting lines from their poems while playing cards and drinking, and behaving quite poorly. In the end, it became clear that they were not who they claimed to be, but simply frauds—disgustingly deceptive. A setup like that would be a risky move in any cultured setting. The idea of linking, even in the slightest, those three old con artists he had imagined with the respected figures of Emerson, Longfellow, and Holmes, the esteemed trio, seems horrifying today, and must have seemed even worse back then. But Clemens, captivated by the colorful brilliance of his idea, thought it was nothing short of a rare, grand humor that would sweep his audience away in waves of laughter. He didn’t share his creation with anyone beforehand. He wanted its full impact to surprise the entire group.

It did that. Howells was toastmaster, and when he came to present Clemens he took particular pains to introduce him as one of his foremost contributors and dearest friends. Here, he said, was “a humorist who never left you hanging your head for having enjoyed his joke.”

It did that. Howells was the toastmaster, and when he introduced Clemens, he made a special effort to present him as one of his top contributors and closest friends. Here, he said, was “a humorist who never made you feel embarrassed for enjoying his joke.”

Thirty years later Clemens himself wrote of his impressions as he rose to deliver his speech.

Thirty years later, Clemens reflected on his feelings as he stood up to give his speech.

    I vaguely remember some of the details of that gathering: dimly I
    can see a hundred people—no, perhaps fifty—shadowy figures,
    sitting at tables feeding, ghosts now to me, and nameless
    forevermore. I don't know who they were, but I can very distinctly
    see, seated at the grand table and facing the rest of us, Mr.
    Emerson, supernaturally grave, unsmiling; Mr. Whittier, grave,
    lovely, his beautiful spirit shining out of his face; Mr.
    Longfellow, with his silken-white hair and his benignant face; Dr.
    Oliver Wendell Holmes, flashing smiles and affection and all good-
    fellowship everywhere, like a rose-diamond whose facets are being
    turned toward the light, first one way and then another—a charming
    man, and always fascinating, whether he was talking or whether he
    was sitting still (what he would call still, but what would be more
    or less motion to other people). I can see those figures with
    entire distinctness across this abyss of time.
I vaguely remember some details from that gathering: I can dimly picture around a hundred people—no, maybe fifty—shadowy figures sitting at tables, now just ghosts to me, nameless forever. I don’t know who they were, but I can clearly see Mr. Emerson at the grand table, facing us, looking unnaturally serious and unsmiling; Mr. Whittier, dignified and lovely, with his beautiful spirit shining through his face; Mr. Longfellow, with his silky white hair and kindly expression; Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes, radiating smiles and warmth and good vibes everywhere, like a rose diamond with its facets turning to catch the light, first one way, then another—a charming guy, always captivating, whether he was talking or sitting still (what he considered still, but would be more or less movement to others). I can see those figures with complete clarity across this gap of time.

William Winter, the poet, had just preceded him, and it seemed a moment aptly chosen for his so-different theme. “And then,” to quote Howells, “the amazing mistake, the bewildering blunder, the cruel catastrophe was upon us.”

William Winter, the poet, had just gone before him, and it felt like a perfectly timed moment for his completely different theme. “And then,” to quote Howells, “the shocking mistake, the confusing blunder, the harsh disaster hit us.”

After the first two or three hundred words, when the general plan and purpose of the burlesque had developed, when the names of Longfellow, Emerson, and Holmes began to be flung about by those bleary outcasts, and their verses given that sorry association, those Atlantic diners became petrified with amazement and horror. Too late, then, the speaker realized his mistake. He could not stop, he must go on to the ghastly end. And somehow he did it, while “there fell a silence weighing many tons to the square inch, which deepened from moment to moment, and was broken only by the hysterical and blood-curdling laughter of a single guest, whose name shall not be handed down to infamy.”

After the first two or three hundred words, once the general plan and purpose of the parody became clear, and names like Longfellow, Emerson, and Holmes were being tossed around by those bleary outcasts, linking their verses to that sad context, the diners in Atlantic froze in shock and horror. It was too late for the speaker to realize his mistake. He couldn't stop; he had to continue to the grim conclusion. And somehow he managed to do it, while “there fell a silence weighing many tons to the square inch, which deepened from moment to moment, and was broken only by the hysterical and blood-curdling laughter of a single guest, whose name shall not be handed down to infamy.”

Howells can remember little more than that, but Clemens recalls that one speaker made an effort to follow him—Bishop, the novelist, and that Bishop didn't last long.

Howells can remember little more than that, but Clemens remembers that one speaker tried to keep up with him—Bishop, the novelist, and Bishop didn't last very long.

    It was not many sentences after his first before he began to
    hesitate and break, and lose his grip, and totter and wobble, and at
    last he slumped down in a limp and mushy pile.
    It wasn't long after his first few sentences that he started to hesitate, stumble, lose his grip, and finally slumped down in a soft, weak heap.

The next man had not strength to rise, and somehow the company broke up.

The next guy didn't have the strength to get up, and somehow the group ended up splitting up.

Howells's next recollection is of being in a room of the hotel, and of hearing Charles Dudley Warner saying in the gloom:

Howells's next memory is of being in a hotel room and hearing Charles Dudley Warner speaking in the dim light:

“Well, Mark, you're a funny fellow.”

“Well, Mark, you're a funny guy.”

He remembers how, after a sleepless night, Clemens went out to buy some bric-a-brac, with a soul far from bric-a-brac, and returned to Hartford in a writhing agony of spirit. He believed that he was ruined forever, so far as his Boston associations were concerned; and when he confessed all the tragedy to Mrs. Clemens it seemed to her also that the mistake could never be wholly repaired. The fact that certain papers quoted the speech and spoke well of it, and certain readers who had not listened to it thought it enormously funny, gave very little comfort. But perhaps his chief concern was the ruin which he believed he had brought upon Howells. He put his heart into a brief letter:

He remembers how, after a sleepless night, Clemens went out to buy some trinkets, with a spirit far from trivial, and returned to Hartford in deep anguish. He felt that he was ruined forever in terms of his Boston connections; when he revealed all the heartbreak to Mrs. Clemens, it also seemed to her that the mistake could never be fully fixed. The fact that some papers quoted the speech and praised it, and that certain readers who hadn’t heard it found it hilarious, offered very little comfort. But perhaps his biggest worry was the damage he believed he had caused to Howells. He poured his heart into a short letter:

    MY DEAR HOWELLS,—My sense of disgrace does not abate. It grows.
    I see that it is going to add itself to my list of permanencies, a
    list of humiliations that extends back to when I was seven years
    old, and which keep on persecuting me regardless of my repentances.

    I feel that my misfortune has injured me all over the country;
    therefore it will be best that I retire from before the public at
    present. It will hurt the Atlantic for me to appear in its pages
    now. So it is my opinion, and my wife's, that the telephone story
    had better be suppressed. Will you return those proofs or revises
    to me, so that I can use the same on some future occasion?

    It seems as if I must have been insane when I wrote that speech and
    saw no harm in it, no disrespect toward those men whom I reverenced
    so much. And what shame I brought upon you, after what you said in
    introducing me! It burns me like fire to think of it.

    The whole matter is a dreadful subject. Let me drop it here—at
    least on paper.

                         Penitently yours,  MARK
MY DEAR HOWELLS,—My feeling of disgrace doesn't go away. It's getting stronger. I realize it's going to join the list of things I can't escape, a list of embarrassments that goes back to when I was seven, and they keep haunting me no matter how much I regret them.

I feel that my bad luck has affected me everywhere; so I think it’s best for me to step back from the public eye right now. It wouldn't be good for the Atlantic for me to show up in its pages at this time. My wife and I believe that the telephone story should be held back. Can you send those proofs or revisions back to me so I can use them later?

It seems like I must have been out of my mind when I wrote that speech, thinking there was no harm in it, no disrespect toward the men I respected so much. And the shame I caused you, after what you said when introducing me! It burns me like fire to think about it.

This whole thing is a terrible topic. Let me drop it here—at least in writing.

                         Penitently yours, MARK

So, all in a moment, his world had come to an end—as it seemed. But Howells's letter, which came rushing back by first mail, brought hope.

So, in an instant, his world seemed to come to an end. But Howells's letter, which arrived quickly with the first mail, brought hope.

“It was a fatality,” Howells said. “One of those sorrows into which a man walks with his eyes wide open, no one knows why.”

“It was a tragedy,” Howells said. “One of those heartbreaks that a person steps into with their eyes wide open, and no one really knows why.”

Howells assured him that Longfellow, Emerson, and Holmes would so consider it, beyond doubt; that Charles Eliot Norton had already expressed himself exactly in the right spirit concerning it. Howells declared that there was no intention of dropping Mark Twain's work from the Atlantic.

Howells assured him that Longfellow, Emerson, and Holmes would definitely feel the same way; that Charles Eliot Norton had already shared his thoughts on it in just the right way. Howells stated that there was no plan to remove Mark Twain's work from the Atlantic.

    You are not going to be floored by it; there is more justice than
    that even in this world. Especially as regards me, just call the
    sore spot well. I can say more, and with better heart, in praise of
    your good feeling (which was what I always liked in you), since this
    thing happened than I could before.
    You’re not going to be overwhelmed by it; there’s more fairness than that, even in this world. Especially when it comes to me, just acknowledge the sensitive issue clearly. I can speak more sincerely and with greater appreciation about your kindness (which is what I’ve always admired in you) since this situation happened than I could before.

It was agreed that he should at once write a letter to Longfellow, Emerson, and Holmes, and he did write, laying his heart bare to them. Longfellow and Holmes answered in a fine spirit of kindliness, and Miss Emerson wrote for her father in the same tone. Emerson had not been offended, for he had not heard the speech, having arrived even then at that stage of semi-oblivion as to immediate things which eventually so completely shut him away. Longfellow's letter made light of the whole matter. The newspapers, he said, had caused all the mischief.

He agreed to immediately write a letter to Longfellow, Emerson, and Holmes, and he did, opening up his feelings to them. Longfellow and Holmes responded warmly, and Miss Emerson wrote for her father with the same kindness. Emerson wasn’t upset because he hadn’t heard the speech; he had already reached that point of semi-oblivion about immediate issues that eventually isolated him completely. Longfellow’s letter downplayed the entire situation, saying the newspapers were responsible for all the trouble.

    A bit of humor at a dinner-table talk is one thing; a report of it
    in the morning papers is another. One needs the lamplight and the
    scenery. These failing, what was meant in jest assumes a serious
    aspect.

    I do not believe that anybody was much hurt. Certainly I was not,
    and Holmes tells me that he was not. So I think you may dismiss the
    matter from your mind, without further remorse.

    It was a very pleasant dinner, and I think Whittier enjoyed it very
    much.
    A little humor during dinner conversation is one thing; seeing it reported in the morning papers is another. You need the right lighting and atmosphere. Without those, what was meant as a joke can come off as serious.  

    I don't believe anyone was really hurt. I certainly wasn't, and Holmes says he wasn't either. So, I think you can let it go without feeling guilty.  

    It was a lovely dinner, and I think Whittier had a great time.

Holmes likewise referred to it as a trifle.

Holmes also called it a small matter.

    It never occurred to me for a moment to take offense, or to feel
    wounded by your playful use of my name. I have heard some mild
    questioning as to whether, even in fun, it was good taste to
    associate the names of the authors with the absurdly unlike
    personalities attributed to them, but it seems to be an open
    question. Two of my friends, gentlemen of education and the highest
    social standing, were infinitely amused by your speech, and stoutly
    defended it against the charge of impropriety. More than this, one
    of the cleverest and best-known ladies we have among us was highly
    delighted with it.
    I never once thought to be offended or to feel hurt by your playful use of my name. I've heard some mild questioning about whether, even in jest, it was in good taste to link the authors' names with the completely different personalities attributed to them, but that seems to be a debatable point. Two of my educated friends, who have a high social status, found your speech incredibly amusing and strongly defended it against any claims of impropriety. Furthermore, one of the smartest and most well-known women we have around here was really pleased with it.

Miss Emerson's letter was to Mrs. Clemens and its homelike New England fashion did much to lift the gloom.

Miss Emerson's letter was addressed to Mrs. Clemens, and its cozy New England style really helped brighten the mood.

    DEAR MRS. CLEMENS,—At New Year's our family always meets, to spend
    two days together. To-day my father came last, and brought with him
    Mr. Clemens's letter, so that I read it to the assembled family, and
    I have come right up-stairs to write to you about it. My sister
    said, “Oh, let father write!” but my mother said, “No, don't wait
    for him. Go now; don't stop to pick that up. Go this minute and
    write. I think that is a noble letter. Tell them so.” First let
    me say that no shadow of indignation has ever been in any of our
    minds. The night of the dinner, my father says, he did not hear Mr.
    Clemens's speech. He was too far off, and my mother says that when
    she read it to him the next day it amused him. But what you will
    want is to know, without any softening, how we did feel. We were
    disappointed. We have liked almost everything we have ever seen
    over Mark Twain's signature. It has made us like the man, and we
    have delighted in the fun. Father has often asked us to repeat
    certain passages of The Innocents Abroad, and of a speech at a
    London dinner in 1872, and we all expect both to approve and to
    enjoy when we see his name. Therefore, when we read this speech it
    was a real disappointment. I said to my brother that it didn't seem
    good or funny, and he said, “No, it was unfortunate. Still some of
    those quotations were very good”; and he gave them with relish and
    my father laughed, though never having seen a card in his life, he
    couldn't understand them like his children. My mother read it
    lightly and had hardly any second thoughts about it. To my father
    it is as if it had not been; he never quite heard, never quite
    understood it, and he forgets easily and entirely. I think it
    doubtful whether he writes to Mr. Clemens, for he is old and long
    ago gave up answering letters, I think you can see just how bad, and
    how little bad, it was as far as we are concerned, and this lovely
    heartbreaking letter makes up for our disappointment in our much-
    liked author, and restores our former feeling about him.

                         ELLEN T. EMERSON.
    DEAR MRS. CLEMENS,—Every New Year's, our family always gathers to spend two days together. Today, my dad was the last to arrive, and he brought Mr. Clemens's letter with him, so I read it to the family. I’ve come right upstairs to write to you about it. My sister said, “Oh, let dad write!” but my mom said, “No, don’t wait for him. Go now; don’t stop to pick that up. Go this minute and write. I think that’s a great letter. Tell them so.” First, I want to say that not a hint of anger has crossed our minds. On the night of the dinner, my dad says he didn’t hear Mr. Clemens’s speech. He was too far away, and my mom said that when she read it to him the next day, it made him laugh. But what you want to know, without any sugarcoating, is how we really felt. We were disappointed. We’ve enjoyed almost everything we’ve ever read with Mark Twain’s name on it. It has made us like the guy, and we’ve had a lot of fun. Dad often asks us to repeat certain parts of The Innocents Abroad, and a speech at a London dinner in 1872, and we always expect to both agree and enjoy when we see his name. So, when we read this speech, it was a real letdown. I told my brother that it didn’t seem good or funny, and he said, “No, it was unfortunate. Still, some of those quotes were really good;” and he shared them with enthusiasm, making my dad laugh, even though he’s never seen a card in his life, so he couldn’t appreciate them like we do. My mom read it lightly and didn’t think much of it afterward. To my dad, it’s almost as if it never happened; he never really heard it or understood it, and he forgets easily. I doubt he’ll write to Mr. Clemens, as he’s old and has long since stopped responding to letters. I think you can see just how bad, and how not-so-bad, it was for us, and this beautifully heartfelt letter makes up for our disappointment in our beloved author and brings back our previous feelings about him.

                         ELLEN T. EMERSON.

The sorrow dulled a little as the days passed. Just after Christmas Clemens wrote to Howells:

The sadness faded a bit as the days went by. Right after Christmas, Clemens wrote to Howells:

    I haven't done a stroke of work since the Atlantic dinner. But I'm
    going to try to-morrow. How could I ever——

    Ah, well, I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool,
    and all his work must be contemplated with respect.
    I haven't done any work since the Atlantic dinner. But I'm going to try tomorrow. How could I ever—

    Ah, well, I am a big and foolish idiot. But then I am God's fool, and all his work deserves to be respected.

So long as that unfortunate speech is remembered there will be differences of opinion as to its merits and propriety. Clemens himself, reading it for the first time in nearly thirty years, said:

So long as that unfortunate speech is remembered, there will be disagreements about its value and appropriateness. Clemens himself, reading it for the first time in nearly thirty years, said:

“I find it gross, coarse—well, I needn't go on with particulars. I don't like any part of it, from the beginning to the end. I find it always offensive and detestable. How do I account for this change of view? I don't know.”

“I find it disgusting and crude—no need to get into details. I don’t like any part of it, from start to finish. It’s always offensive and unbearable to me. How do I explain this shift in perspective? I have no idea.”

But almost immediately afterward he gave it another consideration and reversed his opinion completely. All the spirit and delight of his old first conception returned, and preparing it for publication, he wrote: —[North American Review, December, 1907, now with comment included in the volume of “Speeches.” (Also see Appendix O, at the end of last volume.)—I have read it twice, and unless I am an idiot it hasn't a single defect in it, from the first word to the last. It is just as good as good can be. It is smart; it is saturated with humor. There isn't a suggestion of coarseness or vulgarity in it anywhere.]

But almost immediately after that, he thought about it again and completely changed his mind. All the excitement and joy from his original idea came flooding back, so as he got it ready for publication, he wrote: —[North American Review, December, 1907, now with comment included in the volume of “Speeches.” (Also see Appendix O, at the end of last volume.)—I’ve read it twice, and unless I’m missing something, it doesn’t have a single flaw from start to finish. It’s as good as it gets. It’s clever; it’s full of humor. There’s not a hint of crudeness or vulgarity in it anywhere.]

It was altogether like Mark Twain to have those two absolutely opposing opinions in that brief time; for, after all, it was only a question of the human point of view, and Mark Twain's points of view were likely to be as extremely human as they were varied.

It was totally in line with Mark Twain to hold those two completely opposing opinions in such a short time; because, at the end of the day, it was just a matter of perspective, and Mark Twain's perspectives were probably as deeply human as they were diverse.

Of course the first of these impressions, the verdict of the fresh mind uninfluenced by the old conception, was the more correct one. The speech was decidedly out of place in that company. The skit was harmless enough, but it was of the Comstock grain. It lacked refinement, and, what was still worse, it lacked humor, at least the humor of a kind suited to that long-ago company of listeners. It was another of those grievous mistakes which genius (and not talent) can make, for genius is a sort of possession. The individual is pervaded, dominated for a time by an angel or an imp, and he seldom, of himself, is able to discriminate between his controls. A literary imp was always lying in wait for Mark Twain; the imp of the burlesque, tempting him to do the 'outre', the outlandish, the shocking thing. It was this that Olivia Clemens had to labor hardest against: the cheapening of his own high purpose with an extravagant false note, at which sincerity, conviction, and artistic harmony took wings and fled away. Notably he did a good burlesque now and then, but his fame would not have suffered if he had been delivered altogether from his besetting temptation.

Of course, the first impression, the judgment of a fresh mind not influenced by old views, was the more accurate one. The speech was definitely inappropriate for that group. The skit was harmless enough, but it was distinctly of the Comstock variety. It lacked sophistication and, worse yet, it lacked humor—at least the kind of humor that would resonate with that long-ago audience. It was yet another of those serious missteps that only true genius (not just talent) can make, since genius is a kind of possession. The individual is often taken over, dominated temporarily by an angel or a mischievous spirit, and he rarely can tell which influence is at play. A literary spirit was always lurking for Mark Twain; the spirit of burlesque, tempting him to do the bizarre, the outrageous, the shocking. This was what Olivia Clemens had to fight hardest against: the trivialization of his lofty goals with a flashy off-note, which caused sincerity, conviction, and artistic harmony to vanish. He certainly pulled off a good burlesque from time to time, but his reputation would not have suffered if he had been completely freed from that constant temptation.





CXV. HARTFORD AND BILLIARDS

Clemens was never much inclined to work, away from his Elmira study. “Magnanimous Incident Literature” (for the Atlantic) was about his only completed work of the winter of 1877-78. He was always tinkering with the “Visit to Heaven,” and after one reconstruction Howells suggested that he bring it out as a book, in England, with Dean Stanley's indorsement, though this may have been only semi-serious counsel. The story continued to lie in seclusion.

Clemens was never really motivated to work outside of his Elmira study. “Magnanimous Incident Literature” (for the Atlantic) was about his only finished piece from the winter of 1877-78. He was always tweaking the “Visit to Heaven,” and after one revision, Howells suggested that he publish it as a book in England, with Dean Stanley's endorsement, although this might have been just partly serious advice. The story remained unpublished.

Clemens had one new book in the field—a small book, but profitable. Dan Slote's firm issued for him the Mark Twain Scrap-book, and at the end of the first royalty period rendered a statement of twenty-five thousand copies sold, which was well enough for a book that did not contain a single word that critics could praise or condemn. Slote issued another little book for him soon after “Punch, Brothers, Punch!”which, besides that lively sketch, contained the “Random Notes” and seven other selections.

Clemens had just released a new book—it's a small one, but it made money. Dan Slote's company published the Mark Twain Scrap-book, and at the end of the first royalty period, they reported that twenty-five thousand copies had sold, which was pretty good for a book that had nothing critics could really praise or criticize. Slote put out another little book for him soon after “Punch, Brothers, Punch!”, which included that lively sketch, the “Random Notes,” and seven other selections.

Mark Twain was tempted to go into the lecture field that winter, not by any of the offers, though these were numerous enough, but by the idea of a combination which he thought might be not only profitable but pleasant. Thomas Nast had made a great success of his caricature lectures, and Clemens, recalling Nast's long-ago proposal, found it newly attractive. He wrote characteristically:

Mark Twain considered entering the lecture circuit that winter, not because of the many offers he received, but because he had an idea for a combo that he thought could be both enjoyable and lucrative. Thomas Nast had found a lot of success with his caricature lectures, and Clemens, remembering Nast's earlier suggestion, found it appealing again. He wrote in his usual style:

    MY DEAR NAST,—I did not think I should ever stand on a platform
    again until the time was come for me to say, “I die innocent.” But
    the same old offers keep arriving. I have declined them all, just
    as usual, though sorely tempted, as usual.

    Now, I do not decline because I mind talking to an audience, but
    because (1) traveling alone is so heartbreakingly dreary, and (2)
    shouldering the whole show is such a cheer-killing responsibility.

    Therefore, I now propose to you what you proposed to me in 1867, ten
    years ago (when I was unknown)—viz., that you stand on the platform
    and make pictures, and I stand by you and blackguard the audience.
    I should enormously enjoy meandering around (to big towns—don't
    want to go to the little ones), with you for company.

    My idea is not to fatten the lecture agents and lyceums on the
    spoils, but to put all the ducats religiously into two equal piles,
    and say to the artist and lecturer, “absorb these.”

    For instance, [here follows a plan and a possible list of the cities
    to be visited]. The letter continues:

    Call the gross receipts $100,000 for four months and a half, and the
    profit from $60,000 to $75,000 (I try to make the figures large
    enough, and leave it to the public to reduce them).

    I did not put in Philadelphia because Pugh owns that town, and last
    winter, when I made a little reading-trip, he only paid me $300, and
    pretended his concert (I read fifteen minutes in the midst of a
    concert) cost him a vast sum, and so he couldn't afford any more.
    I could get up a better concert with a barrel of cats.

    I have imagined two or three pictures and concocted the accompanying
    remarks, to see how the thing would go. I was charmed.

    Well, you think it over, Nast, and drop me a line. We should have
    some fun.
MY DEAR NAST,—I never thought I’d get on a stage again until it was time for me to say, “I die innocent.” But the same old offers keep coming in. I’ve turned them all down, just like always, even though I’m always tempted.

Now, it’s not that I mind speaking to an audience; it’s just that (1) traveling alone is incredibly lonely, and (2) handling the entire show is such a joy-killing responsibility.

So, I’m proposing to you what you suggested to me back in 1867, ten years ago (when I was a nobody)—that you take the stage and create art, while I stand next to you and roast the audience. I would really enjoy wandering around (to big cities—not interested in the small ones) with you as my company.

My plan isn’t to line the pockets of the lecture agents and lyceums with our earnings, but to split all the money equally into two piles and tell the artist and the lecturer, “take your share.”

For example, [here follows a plan and a possible list of the cities to be visited]. The letter continues:

Let’s say the total earnings are $100,000 for four and a half months, and the profit might be between $60,000 and $75,000 (I try to make the numbers high enough, leaving it to the public to scale them back).

I didn’t include Philadelphia because Pugh owns that place, and last winter, when I went on a short reading trip, he only paid me $300 and acted like his concert (I read for fifteen minutes during a concert) cost him a fortune, so he couldn’t pay any more. I could put together a better concert with a barrel of cats.

I’ve imagined two or three pictures and crafted some comments to see how the whole thing would go. I was delighted.

So, think it over, Nast, and send me a note. We should have some fun.

Undoubtedly this would have been a profitable combination, but Nast had a distaste for platforming—had given it up, as he thought, for life. So Clemens settled down to the fireside days, that afforded him always the larger comfort. The children were at an age “to be entertaining, and to be entertained.” In either case they furnished him plenty of diversion when he did not care to write. They had learned his gift as a romancer, and with this audience he might be as extravagant as he liked. They sometimes assisted by furnishing subjects. They would bring him a picture, requiring him to invent a story for it without a moment's delay. Sometimes they suggested the names of certain animals or objects, and demanded that these be made into a fairy tale. If they heard the name of any new creature or occupation they were likely to offer them as impromptu inspiration. Once he was suddenly required to make a story out of a plumber and a “bawgunstrictor,” but he was equal to it. On one side of the library, along the book-shelves that joined the mantelpiece, were numerous ornaments and pictures. At one end was the head of a girl, that they called “Emeline,” and at the other was an oil-painting of a cat. When other subjects failed, the romancer was obliged to build a story impromptu, and without preparation, beginning with the cat, working along through the bric-a-brac, and ending with “Emeline.” This was the unvarying program. He was not allowed to begin with “Emeline” and end with the cat, and he was not permitted to introduce an ornament from any other portion of the room. He could vary the story as much as he liked. In fact, he was required to do that. The trend of its chapters, from the cat to “Emeline,” was a well-trodden and ever-entertaining way.

There's no doubt this would have been a profitable collaboration, but Nast wasn't into performing anymore—he thought he had given it up for good. So Clemens settled into the cozy life by the fireplace, which always brought him more comfort. The kids were at an age where they could entertain themselves and others. They provided him with plenty of diversion on days he didn’t feel like writing. They knew he had a talent for storytelling, and with their audience, he could be as imaginative as he wanted. Sometimes they helped by coming up with ideas. They would bring him a picture, challenging him to create a story for it on the spot. At times, they suggested names of animals or objects and insisted he turn them into a fairy tale. If they heard about any new animal or job, they would likely throw those out as spontaneous inspiration. One time, he was suddenly tasked with crafting a story involving a plumber and a “bawgunstrictor,” but he handled it just fine. On one side of the library, along the shelves that met the mantelpiece, were lots of ornaments and pictures. At one end was the head of a girl they called “Emeline,” and at the other end was an oil painting of a cat. When other ideas ran dry, the storyteller had to whip up a story on the spot, starting with the cat, going through the knick-knacks, and ending with “Emeline.” This was always the plan. He couldn’t start with “Emeline” and end with the cat, nor could he pull in anything from another part of the room. He could change the story however he wanted. In fact, he was required to do so. The flow of the story, from the cat to “Emeline,” was a well-worn and endlessly entertaining route.

He gave up his luxurious study to the children as a sort of nursery and playroom, and took up his writing-quarters, first in a room over the stables, then in the billiard-room, which, on the whole, he preferred to any other place, for it was a third-story remoteness, and he could knock the balls about for inspiration.

He gave up his fancy study to the kids as a kind of nursery and playroom, and moved his writing space first to a room above the stables, then to the billiard room, which he generally preferred over any other spot because it was on the third floor, allowing him to be private, and he could hit the balls around for inspiration.

The billiard-room became his headquarters. He received his callers there and impressed them into the game. If they could play, well and good; if they could not play, so much the better—he could beat them extravagantly, and he took a huge delight in such conquests. Every Friday evening, or oftener, a small party of billiard-lovers gathered, and played until a late hour, told stories, and smoked till the room was blue, comforting themselves with hot Scotch and general good-fellowship. Mark Twain always had a genuine passion for billiards. He was never tired of the game. He could play all night. He would stay till the last man gave out from sheer weariness; then he would go on knocking the balls about alone. He liked to invent new games and new rules for old games, often inventing a rule on the spur of the moment to fit some particular shot or position on the table. It amused him highly to do this, to make the rule advantage his own play, and to pretend a deep indignation when his opponents disqualified his rulings and rode him down. S. C. Dunham was among those who belonged to the “Friday Evening Club,” as they called it, and Henry C. Robinson, long dead, and rare Ned Bunce, and F. G. Whitmore; and the old room there at the top of the house, with its little outside balcony, rang with their voices and their laughter in that day when life and the world for them was young. Clemens quoted to them sometimes:

The billiard room became his main hangout. He welcomed his guests there and got them into the game. If they could play, great; if they couldn’t, even better—he could easily beat them, and he loved those victories. Every Friday night, or even more often, a small group of billiard enthusiasts would gather, play until late, share stories, and smoke until the room was filled with haze, enjoying hot Scotch and camaraderie. Mark Twain always had a true love for billiards. He never got tired of the game. He could play all night long. He would stay until the last person dropped from exhaustion; then he’d continue hitting the balls around by himself. He enjoyed coming up with new games and new rules for old ones, often creating a rule on the spot to fit some specific shot or situation on the table. It amused him greatly to do this, to make a rule benefit his own play, and to feign outrage when his opponents rejected his judgments and pushed back against him. S. C. Dunham was among those who were part of the “Friday Evening Club,” as they called it, along with Henry C. Robinson, who had long since passed, rare Ned Bunce, and F. G. Whitmore; and the old room at the top of the house, with its small outdoor balcony, echoed with their voices and laughter back in the days when life and the world felt young for them. Clemens sometimes quoted to them:

    Come, fill the cup, and in the fire of spring
    Your winter garment of repentance fling;
    The bird of time has but a little way
    To flutter, and the bird is on the wing.
    Come, fill the cup, and in the warmth of spring  
    Toss aside your winter coat of regret;  
    The bird of time has only a short journey  
    To fly, and the bird is taking off.  

Omar was new then on this side of the Atlantic, and to his serene “eat, drink, and be merry” philosophy, in Fitzgerald's rhyme, these were early converts. Mark Twain had an impressive, musical delivery of verse; the players were willing at any moment to listen as he recited:

Omar was new to this side of the Atlantic, and to his calm “eat, drink, and be merry” philosophy, in Fitzgerald's rhyme, these were early followers. Mark Twain had an amazing, musical way of delivering verse; the audience was always ready to listen as he recited:

    For some we loved, the loveliest and best
    That from his vintage rolling time has prest,
    Have drunk their cup a round or two before,
    And one by one crept silently to rest.
    Ah, make the most of what we yet may spend,
    Before we too into the dust descend;
    Dust unto dust, and under dust to lie,
    Sans wine, sans song, sans singer, and—sans End.'
—[The 'Rubaiyat' had made its first appearance, in Hartford, a little
before in a column of extracts published in the Courant.] Twichell
immediately wrote Clemens a card:
    For some we loved, the most beautiful and best
    Who have come and gone with time,
    Have sipped their drink a round or two before,
    And one by one quietly laid to rest.
    Ah, let’s make the most of what we can still enjoy,
    Before we too turn to dust;
    Dust to dust, and beneath dust to lie,
    Without wine, without song, without a singer, and—without an End.'
—[The 'Rubaiyat' had first appeared in Hartford, a little
before in a column of excerpts published in the Courant.] Twichell
immediately wrote Clemens a card:

“Read (if you haven't) the extracts from Oman Khayyam, on the first page of this morning's Courant. I think we'll have to get the book. I never yet came across anything that uttered certain thoughts of mine so adequately. And it's only a translation. Read it, and we'll talk it over. There is something in it very like the passage of Emerson you read me last night, in fact identical with it in thought.

“Read (if you haven't) the excerpts from Omar Khayyam on the first page of this morning's Courant. I think we should get the book. I've never found anything that expresses some of my thoughts so well. And it's just a translation. Read it, and we'll discuss it. There's something in it very similar to the passage from Emerson you read to me last night; it’s actually identical in thought.”

“Surely this Omar was a great poet. Anyhow, he has given me an immense revelation this morning.

“Surely this Omar was a great poet. Anyway, he has given me an immense revelation this morning.

“Hoping that you are better,

"Hope you're feeling better,"

                     J. H. T.”
 
J. H. T.

Twichell's “only a translation” has acquired a certain humor with time.

Twichell's "just a translation" has gained a bit of humor over time.





CXVI. OFF FOR GERMANY

The German language became one of the interests of the Clemens home during the early months of 1878. The Clemenses had long looked forward to a sojourn in Europe, and the demand for another Mark Twain book of travel furnished an added reason for their going. They planned for the spring sailing, and to spend a year or more on the Continent, making their headquarters in Germany. So they entered into the study of the language with an enthusiasm and perseverance that insured progress. There was a German nurse for the children, and the whole atmosphere of the household presently became lingually Teutonic. It amused Mark Twain, as everything amused him, but he was a good student; he acquired a working knowledge of the language in an extraordinarily brief time, just as in an earlier day he had picked up piloting. He would never become a German scholar, but his vocabulary and use of picturesque phrases, particularly those that combined English and German words, were often really startling, not only for their humor, but for their expressiveness.

The German language became one of the interests of the Clemens household during the early months of 1878. The Clemenses had long been looking forward to a trip to Europe, and the request for another Mark Twain travel book provided them with an extra reason to go. They planned to set sail in the spring and spend a year or more on the Continent, using Germany as their base. So, they dove into studying the language with enthusiasm and determination, ensuring they made progress. A German nanny took care of the children, and soon the whole household environment felt distinctly German. It amused Mark Twain, as everything amused him, but he was a dedicated student; he gained a working knowledge of the language in a surprisingly short time, just as he had learned piloting earlier. He wouldn’t become a German scholar, but his vocabulary and use of colorful phrases—especially those that mixed English and German words—were often truly surprising, both for their humor and their expressiveness.

Necessarily the new study would infect his literature. He conceived a plan for making Captain Wakeman (Stormfield) come across a copy of Ollendorf in Heaven, and proceed to learn the language of a near-lying district.

Necessarily, the new study would influence his writing. He came up with a plan for Captain Wakeman (Stormfield) to find a copy of Ollendorf in Heaven and start learning the language of a nearby area.

They arranged to sail early in April, and, as on their former trip, persuaded Miss Clara Spaulding, of Elmira, to accompany them. They wrote to the Howellses, breaking the news of the journey, urging them to come to Hartford for a good-by visit. Howells and his wife came. The Twichells, Warners, and other Hartford friends paid repeated farewell calls. The furniture was packed, the rooms desolated, the beautiful home made ready for closing.

They planned to set sail in early April and, like on their previous trip, convinced Miss Clara Spaulding from Elmira to join them. They wrote to the Howells, sharing the news about their journey and inviting them to come to Hartford for a farewell visit. Howells and his wife came. The Twichells, Warners, and other friends from Hartford made several farewell visits. The furniture was packed, the rooms felt empty, and their lovely home was prepared for closure.

They were to have pleasant company on the ship. Bayard Taylor, then recently appointed Minister to Germany, wrote that he had planned to sail on the same vessel; Murat Halstead's wife and daughter were listed among the passengers. Clemens made a brief speech at Taylor's “farewell dinner.”

They were going to have nice company on the ship. Bayard Taylor, who had just been appointed Minister to Germany, mentioned that he had planned to sail on the same vessel; Murat Halstead's wife and daughter were among the passengers. Clemens gave a short speech at Taylor's “farewell dinner.”

The “Mark Twain” party, consisting of Mr. and Mrs. Clemens, Miss Spaulding, little Susy and Clara (“Bay”), and a nurse-maid, Rosa, sailed on the Holsatia, April 11, 1878. Bayard Taylor and the Halstead ladies also sailed, as per program; likewise Murat Halstead himself, for whom no program had been made. There was a storm outside, and the Holsatia anchored down the bay to wait until the worst was over. As the weather began to moderate Halstead and others came down in a tug for a final word of good-by. When the tug left, Halstead somehow managed to get overlooked, and was presently on his way across the ocean with only such wardrobe as he had on, and what Bayard Taylor, a large man like himself, was willing to lend him. Halstead was accused of having intentionally allowed himself to be left behind, and his case did have a suspicious look; but in any event they were glad to have him along.

The "Mark Twain" group, which included Mr. and Mrs. Clemens, Miss Spaulding, little Susy and Clara ("Bay"), and their nursemaid, Rosa, set sail on the Holsatia on April 11, 1878. Bayard Taylor and the Halstead ladies also boarded as planned, along with Murat Halstead himself, who hadn’t been part of any plan. There was a storm outside, and the Holsatia anchored down the bay to wait until the worst passed. As the weather eased up, Halstead and a few others came down in a tugboat for one last goodbye. When the tug left, somehow Halstead got overlooked and ended up crossing the ocean with just the clothes he was wearing and whatever Bayard Taylor, a big guy like himself, was willing to lend him. Halstead was thought to have intentionally missed the boat, and his situation did look a bit suspicious; but in any case, they were happy to have him on board.

In a written word of good-by to Howells, Clemens remembered a debt of gratitude, and paid it in the full measure that was his habit.

In a written farewell to Howells, Clemens recalled a debt of gratitude and repaid it in the generous way he was known for.

    And that reminds me, ungrateful dog that I am, that I owe as much to
    your training as the rude country job-printer owes to the city boss
    who takes him in hand and teaches him the right way to handle his
    art. I was talking to Mrs. Clemens about this the other day, and
    grieving because I never mentioned it to you, thereby seeming to
    ignore it or to be unaware of it. Nothing that has passed under
    your eye needs any revision before going into a volume, while all my
    other stuff does need so much.
And that reminds me, ungrateful as I am, that I owe a lot to your training, just like the rude country job printer owes to the city boss who shows him the right way to handle his craft. I was talking to Mrs. Clemens about this the other day, feeling bad because I never mentioned it to you, which made it seem like I was ignoring it or didn’t realize it. Nothing that you’ve looked over needs any revisions before being published, while all my other work needs so much.

In that ancient day, before the wireless telegraph, the voyager, when the land fell away behind him, felt a mighty sense of relief and rest, which to some extent has gone now forever. He cannot entirely escape the world in this new day; but then he had a complete sense of dismissal from all encumbering cares of life. Among the first note-book entries Mark Twain wrote:

In that ancient time, before the wireless telegraph, the traveler, as the land faded away behind him, felt a huge sense of relief and peace, which to some degree is lost forever now. He couldn't completely escape the world in this modern era; back then, he had a total sense of freedom from all the burdens of life. Among the first notebook entries Mark Twain wrote:

To go abroad has something of the same sense that death brings—“I am no longer of ye; what ye say of me is now of no consequence—but of how much consequence when I am with ye and of ye. I know you will refrain from saying harsh things because they cannot hurt me, since I am out of reach and cannot hear them. This is why we say no harsh things of the dead.”

Going abroad feels a bit like facing death—“I’m no longer part of you; what you say about me doesn’t matter now—but it meant everything when I was with you. I know you’ll hold back from saying hurtful things because they can’t hurt me anymore, since I’m out of reach and can’t hear them. That’s why we don’t speak ill of the dead.”

It was a rough voyage outside, but the company made it pleasant within. Halstead and Taylor were good smoking-room companions. Taylor had a large capacity for languages and a memory that was always a marvel. He would repeat for them Arabian, Hungarian, and Russian poetry, and show them the music and construction of it. He sang German folk-lore songs for them, and the “Lorelei,” then comparatively unknown in America. Such was his knowledge of the language that even educated Germans on board submitted questions of construction to him and accepted his decisions. He was wisely chosen for the mission he had to fill, but unfortunately he did not fill it long. Both Halstead and Taylor were said to have heart trouble. Halstead, however, survived many years. Taylor died December 19, 1878.

It was a tough trip outside, but the company made it enjoyable inside. Halstead and Taylor were great companions in the smoking room. Taylor had a remarkable ability with languages and an impressive memory. He would recite Arabian, Hungarian, and Russian poetry for them, explaining its music and structure. He sang German folk songs for them, including the “Lorelei,” which was still relatively unknown in America at the time. His knowledge of the language was so thorough that even educated Germans on board would ask him questions about grammar and accept his answers. He was a wise choice for the role he was supposed to play, but sadly, he didn't play it for long. Both Halstead and Taylor were said to have heart issues. However, Halstead lived for many more years. Taylor passed away on December 19, 1878.





CXVII. GERMANY AND GERMAN

From the note-book:

    It is a marvel that never loses its surprise by repetition, this
    aiming a ship at a mark three thousand miles away and hitting the
    bull's-eye in a fog—as we did. When the fog fell on us the captain
    said we ought to be at such and such a spot (it had been eighteen
    hours since an observation was had), with the Scilly islands bearing
    so and so, and about so many miles away. Hove the lead and got
    forty-eight fathoms; looked on the chart, and sure enough this depth
    of water showed that we were right where the captain said we were.

    Another idea. For ages man probably did not know why God carpeted
    the ocean bottom with sand in one place, shells in another, and so
    on. But we see now; the kind of bottom the lead brings up shows
    where a ship is when the soundings don't, and also it confirms the
    soundings.
It’s amazing that it never loses its thrill no matter how often it happens—aiming a ship at a target three thousand miles away and hitting the mark in the fog, just like we did. When the fog rolled in, the captain mentioned that we should be at a certain spot (it had been eighteen hours since we last took a reading), with the Scilly islands in a specific direction and a certain distance away. We took a sound reading and found forty-eight fathoms; checked the chart, and sure enough, this depth confirmed we were exactly where the captain said we were.

Another thought: For a long time, people probably had no idea why God covered the ocean floor with sand in one place, shells in another, and so on. But now we understand; the type of material that the lead line brings up shows where a ship is when the depth readings don’t, and it also verifies those readings.

They reached Hamburg after two weeks' stormy sailing. They rested a few days there, then went to Hanover and Frankfort, arriving at Heidelberg early in May.

They arrived in Hamburg after two weeks of rough sailing. They took a few days to rest there, then traveled to Hanover and Frankfurt, arriving in Heidelberg early in May.

They had no lodgings selected in Heidelberg, and leaving the others at an inn, Clemens set out immediately to find apartments. Chance or direction, or both, led him to the beautiful Schloss Hotel, on a hill overlooking the city, and as fair a view as one may find in all Germany. He did not go back after his party. He sent a message telling them to take carriage and drive at once to the Schloss, then he sat down to enjoy the view.

They hadn't picked a place to stay in Heidelberg, so while the others were at an inn, Clemens immediately went out to find an apartment. By chance or by direction, or maybe both, he ended up at the beautiful Schloss Hotel, high up on a hill with a stunning view of the city—one of the best in all of Germany. He didn't return to his group. Instead, he sent a message telling them to get a carriage and come directly to the Schloss, then he sat down to take in the view.

Coming up the hill they saw him standing on the veranda, waving his hat in welcome. He led them to their rooms—spacious apartments—and pointed to the view. They were looking down on beautiful Heidelberg Castle, densely wooded hills, the far-flowing Neckar, and the haze-empurpled valley of the Rhine. By and by, pointing to a small cottage on the hilltop, he said:

Coming up the hill, they saw him standing on the porch, waving his hat in welcome. He showed them to their rooms—big spaces—and pointed out the view. They looked down at the beautiful Heidelberg Castle, the thickly forested hills, the winding Neckar River, and the misty, purple valley of the Rhine. After a while, pointing to a small cottage on the hilltop, he said:

“I have been picking out my little house to work in; there it is over there; the one with the gable in the roof. Mine is the middle room on the third floor.”

“I’ve been choosing my little workspace; it’s right over there, the one with the gabled roof. I’m in the middle room on the third floor.”

Mrs. Clemens thought the occupants of the house might be surprised if he should suddenly knock and tell them he had come to take possession of his room. Nevertheless, they often looked over in that direction and referred to it as his office. They amused themselves by watching his “people” and trying to make out what they were like. One day he went over there, and sure enough there was a sign out, “Moblirte Wohnung zu Vermiethen.” A day or two later he was established in the very room he had selected, it being the only room but one vacant.

Mrs. Clemens thought the people living in the house might be surprised if he suddenly knocked and told them he was there to take possession of his room. Still, they often glanced that way and referred to it as his office. They entertained themselves by watching his “people” and trying to figure out what they were like. One day, he went over there, and sure enough, there was a sign that read, “Furnished Apartment for Rent.” A day or two later, he moved into the very room he had chosen, as it was the only room available besides one other.

In A Tramp Abroad Mark Twain tells of the beauty of their Heidelberg environment. To Howells he wrote:

In A Tramp Abroad, Mark Twain describes the beauty of the Heidelberg surroundings. He wrote to Howells:

    Our bedroom has two great glass bird-cages (inclosed balconies), one
    looking toward the Rhine Valley and sunset, the other looking up the
    Neckar cul-de-sac, and naturally we spend nearly all our time in
    these. We have tables and chairs in them; we do our reading,
    writing, studying, smoking, and suppering in them.... It
    must have been a noble genius who devised this hotel. Lord, how
    blessed is the repose, the tranquillity of this place! Only two
    sounds: the happy clamor of the birds in the groves and the muffled
    music of the Neckar tumbling over the opposing dikes. It is no
    hardship to lie awake awhile nights, for this subdued roar has
    exactly the sound of a steady rain beating upon a roof. It is so
    healing to the spirit; and it bears up the thread of one's
    imaginings as the accompaniment bears up a song....

    I have waited for a “call” to go to work—I knew it would come.
    Well, it began to come a week ago; my note-book comes out more and
    more frequently every day since; three days ago I concluded to move
    my manuscripts over to my den. Now the call is loud and decided at
    last. So to-morrow I shall begin regular, steady work, and stick to
    it till the middle of July or August 1st, when I look for Twichell;
    we will then walk about Germany two or three weeks, and then I'll go
    to work again (perhaps in Munich).
Our bedroom has two awesome glass birdcages (enclosed balconies), one facing the Rhine Valley and sunset, the other looking up the Neckar cul-de-sac, and we naturally spend almost all our time there. We have tables and chairs in them; we read, write, study, smoke, and have dinner in them.... It must have been a brilliant mind that designed this hotel. Wow, how blessed is the peace and quiet of this place! There are only two sounds: the cheerful chatter of the birds in the trees and the soft music of the Neckar flowing over the opposing banks. It’s not a burden to lie awake at night, because this gentle roar sounds just like steady rain tapping on a roof. It’s so soothing to the soul; it lifts the thread of one’s imagination like music supports a song....

I've been waiting for a “call” to get to work—I knew it would come. Well, it started to come a week ago; I’ve been pulling out my notebook more and more each day since. Three days ago, I decided to move my manuscripts to my workspace. Now the call is loud and clear at last. So tomorrow I’m going to start regular, steady work and keep at it until mid-July or August 1st, when I expect Twichell; we’ll then explore Germany for two or three weeks, and after that, I’ll get back to work again (maybe in Munich).

The walking tour with Twichell had been contemplated in the scheme for gathering book material, but the plan for it had not been completed when he left Hartford. Now he was anxious that they should start as soon as possible. Twichell, receiving the news in Hartford, wrote that it was a great day for him: that his third son had been happily born early that morning, and now the arrival of this glorious gift of a tramp through Germany and Switzerland completed his blessings.

The walking tour with Twichell had been considered in the plan for gathering book material, but the details hadn’t been finalized when he left Hartford. Now he was eager to start as soon as possible. Twichell, upon hearing the news in Hartford, wrote that it was a wonderful day for him: his third son had been born early that morning, and now the opportunity for this amazing trip through Germany and Switzerland added to his joy.

    I am almost too joyful for pleasure [he wrote]. I labor with my
    felicities. How I shall get to sleep to-night I don't know, though
    I have had a good start, in not having slept much last night. Oh,
    my! do you realize, Mark, what a symposium it is to be? I do. To
    begin with, I am thoroughly tired and the rest will be worth
    everything. To walk with you and talk with you for weeks together
    —why, it's my dream of luxury. Harmony, who at sunrise this morning
    deemed herself the happiest woman on the Continent when I read your
    letter to her, widened her smile perceptibly, and revived another
    degree of strength in a minute. She refused to consider her being
    left alone; but: only the great chance opened to me.

    SHOES—Mark, remember that ever so much of our pleasure depends upon
    your shoes. Don't fail to have adequate preparation made in that
    department.
    I'm almost too happy to enjoy it [he wrote]. I'm working through my joy. I don't know how I'll get to sleep tonight, even though I got a good start by not sleeping much last night. Oh my! Do you realize, Mark, what an event this is going to be? I do. First of all, I’m really tired, but the rest will be worth it. Walking and talking with you for weeks—it's my idea of luxury. Harmony, who thought she was the happiest woman on the continent when I read your letter to her this morning, smiled even wider and gained a bit more strength in an instant. She didn’t want to think about being left alone; she just focused on the big opportunity ahead of me.

    SHOES—Mark, remember that so much of our happiness depends on your shoes. Be sure to prepare well in that area.

Meantime, the struggle with the “awful German language” went on. It was a general hand-to-hand contest. From the head of the household down to little Clara not one was exempt. To Clemens it became a sort of nightmare. Once in his note-book he says:

Meantime, the battle with the "terrible German language" continued. It was an all-out fight. From the head of the household down to little Clara, no one was spared. For Clemens, it turned into a kind of nightmare. Once in his notebook, he writes:

“Dreamed all bad foreigners went to German heaven; couldn't talk, and wished they had gone to the other place”; and a little farther along, “I wish I could hear myself talk German.”

“Dreamed all the bad foreigners went to German heaven; couldn't talk, and wished they had gone to the other place”; and a little further along, “I wish I could hear myself speak German.”

To Mrs. Crane, in Elmira, he reported their troubles:

To Mrs. Crane in Elmira, he shared their troubles:

    Clara Spaulding is working herself to death with her German; never
    loses an instant while she is awake—or asleep, either, for that
    matter; dreams of enormous serpents, who poke their heads up under
    her arms and glare upon her with red-hot eyes, and inquire about the
    genitive case and the declensions of the definite article. Livy is
    bully-ragging herself about as hard; pesters over her grammar and
    her reader and her dictionary all day; then in the evening these two
    students stretch themselves out on sofas and sigh and say, “Oh,
    there's no use! We never can learn it in the world!” Then Livy
    takes a sentence to go to bed on: goes gaping and stretching to her
    pillow murmuring, “Ich bin Ihnen sehr verbunden—Ich bin Ihnen sehr
    verbunden—Ich bin Ihnen sehr verbunden—I wonder if I can get that
    packed away so it will stay till morning”—and about an hour after
    midnight she wakes me up and says, “I do so hate to disturb you, but
    is it 'Ich Ben Jonson sehr befinden'?”
 
Clara Spaulding is working herself to the bone with her German; she never wastes a moment while she's awake—or asleep, for that matter; she dreams of huge snakes that poke their heads up under her arms, glare at her with fiery red eyes, and ask about the genitive case and the declensions of the definite article. Livy is pushing herself just as hard; she stresses over her grammar, her reader, and her dictionary all day. Then in the evening, these two students stretch out on sofas, sigh, and say, “Oh, there's no point! We can never learn it!” Then Livy takes a sentence to fall asleep with: she yawns and stretches as she heads to her pillow, murmuring, “Ich bin Ihnen sehr verbunden—Ich bin Ihnen sehr verbunden—Ich bin Ihnen sehr verbunden—I wonder if I can remember that until morning”—and about an hour after midnight, she wakes me up and says, “I really hate to disturb you, but is it 'Ich Ben Jonson sehr befinden'?”

And Mrs. Clemens wrote:

And Mrs. Clemens texted:

    Oh, Sue dear, strive to enter in at the straight gate, for many
    shall seek to enter it and shall not be able. I am not striving
    these days. I am just interested in German.
    Oh, Sue dear, try to enter through the narrow gate, because many will want to get in but won't be able to. I'm not really trying these days. I'm just focused on German.

Rosa, the maid, was required to speak to the children only in German, though Bay at first would have none of it. The nurse and governess tried to blandish her, in vain. She maintained a calm and persistent attitude of scorn. Little Susy tried, and really made progress; but one day she said, pathetically:

Rosa, the maid, had to speak to the kids only in German, but Bay initially refused to do it at all. The nurse and governess tried to coax her, but it didn’t work. She kept a calm and stubborn attitude of disdain. Little Susy tried and actually made some progress; but one day she said, pathetically:

“Mama, I wish Rosa was made in English.”

“Mama, I wish Rosa was in English.”

Yet a little later Susy herself wrote her Aunt Sue:

Yet a little later, Susy wrote to her Aunt Sue:

    I know a lot of German; everybody says I know a lot. I give you a
    million dollars to see you, and you would give two hundred dollars
    to see the lovely woods that we see.
    I know a lot of German; everyone says I know a lot. I'd pay you a million dollars just to see you, and you’d pay two hundred dollars to see the beautiful woods we see.

Even Howells, in far-off America, caught the infection and began a letter in German, though he hastened to add, “Or do you prefer English by this time? Really I could imagine the German going hard with you, for you always seemed to me a man who liked to be understood with the least possible personal inconvenience.”

Even Howells, all the way in America, caught the bug and started a letter in German, though he quickly added, “Or do you prefer English by now? Honestly, I can imagine the German being tough for you, because you’ve always seemed like someone who wants to be understood with the least personal hassle.”

Clemens declared more than once that he scorned the “outrageous and impossible German grammar,” and abandoned it altogether. In his note-book he records how two Germans, strangers in Heidelberg, asked him a direction, and that when he gave it, in the most elaborate and correct German he could muster, one of them only lifted his eyes and murmured:

Clemens stated more than once that he despised the "outrageous and impossible German grammar" and completely gave up on it. In his notebook, he notes how two Germans, strangers in Heidelberg, asked him for directions, and when he provided them in the most elaborate and proper German he could come up with, one of them simply looked up and murmured:

“Gott im Himmel!”

“God in Heaven!”

He was daily impressed with the lingual attainments of foreigners and his own lack of them. In the notes he comments:

He was constantly impressed by the language skills of foreigners and his own lack of them. In the notes, he comments:

    Am addressed in German, and when I can't speak it immediately the
    person tackles me in French, and plainly shows astonishment when I
    stop him. They naturally despise such an ignoramus. Our doctor
    here speaks as pure English, as I.
    I'm addressed in German, and when I can't respond right away, the person switches to French and shows clear surprise when I stop him. They obviously look down on someone who's so ignorant. Our doctor here speaks just as perfect English as I do.

On the Fourth of July he addressed the American students in Heidelberg in one of those mixtures of tongues for which he had a peculiar gift.

On the Fourth of July, he spoke to the American students in Heidelberg in one of those blends of languages that he had a special knack for.

The room he had rented for a study was let by a typical German family, and he was a great delight to them. He practised his German on them, and interested himself in their daily affairs.

The room he rented for studying was owned by a typical German family, and he was a great joy to them. He practiced his German with them and took an interest in their daily lives.

Howells wrote insistently for some assurance of contributions to the Atlantic.

Howells continually sought reassurance about contributions to the Atlantic.

“I must begin printing your private letters to satisfy the popular demand,” he said. “People are constantly asking when you are going to begin.”

“I have to start printing your private letters to meet the public's demand,” he said. “People keep asking when you’re going to start.”

Clemens replied that he would be only too glad to write for the Atlantic if his contributions could be copyrighted in Canada, where pirates were persistently enterprising.

Clemens said he would be more than happy to write for the Atlantic if his contributions could be copyrighted in Canada, where piracy was a constant problem.

      I do not know that I have any printable stuff just now—separatable
      stuff, that is—but I shall have by and by. It is very gratifying to
      hear that it is wanted by anybody. I stand always prepared to hear the
      reverse, and am constantly surprised that it is delayed so long.
      Consequently it is not going to astonish me when it comes."
    
I’m not sure I have anything worth printing right now—anything that can be separated, that is—but I will soon. It’s really nice to hear that someone actually wants it. I'm always ready to hear the opposite and I’m often surprised that it hasn't happened yet. So, it won't shock me when it does.

The Clemens party enjoyed Heidelberg, though in different ways. The children romped and picnicked in the castle grounds, which adjoined the hotel; Mrs. Clemens and Miss Spaulding were devoted to bric-a-brac hunting, picture-galleries, and music. Clemens took long walks, or made excursions by rail and diligence to farther points. Art and opera did not appeal to him. The note-book says:

The Clemens party had a great time in Heidelberg, but each in their own way. The kids played and had picnics in the castle grounds next to the hotel, while Mrs. Clemens and Miss Spaulding busied themselves hunting for antiques, visiting art galleries, and enjoying music. Clemens preferred to take long walks or go on train and carriage trips to explore further places. He wasn’t interested in art or opera. The notebook says:

    I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen
    years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening
    to an unfamiliar opera. I am enchanted with the airs of “Trovatore”
     and other old operas which the hand-organ and the music-box have
    made entirely familiar to my ear. I am carried away with delighted
    enthusiasm when they are sung at the opera. But oh, how far between
    they are! And what long, arid, heartbreaking and headaching
    “between-times” of that sort of intense but incoherent noise which
    always so reminds me of the time the orphan asylum burned down.

    Sunday night, 11th. Huge crowd out to-night to hear the band play
    the “Fremersberg.” I suppose it is very low-grade music—I know it
    must be low-grade music—because it so delighted me, it so warmed
    me, moved me, stirred me, uplifted me, enraptured me, that at times
    I could have cried, and at others split my throat with shouting.
    The great crowd was another evidence that it was low-grade music,
    for only the few are educated up to a point where high-class music
    gives pleasure. I have never heard enough classic music to be able
    to enjoy it, and the simple truth is I detest it. Not mildly, but
    with all my heart.

    What a poor lot we human beings are anyway! If base music gives me
    wings, why should I want any other? But I do. I want to like the
    higher music because the higher and better like it. But you see I
    want to like it without taking the necessary trouble, and giving the
    thing the necessary amount of time and attention. The natural
    suggestion is, to get into that upper tier, that dress-circle, by a
    lie—we will pretend we like it. This lie, this pretense, gives to
    opera what support it has in America.

    And then there is painting. What a red rag is to a bull Turner's
    “Slave Ship” is to me. Mr. Ruskin is educated in art up to a point
    where that picture throws him into as mad an ecstasy of pleasure as
    it throws me into one of rage. His cultivation enables him to see
    water in that yellow mud; his cultivation reconciles the floating of
    unfloatable things to him—chains etc.; it reconciles him to fishes
    swimming on top of the water. The most of the picture is a manifest
    impossibility, that is to say, a lie; and only rigid cultivation can
    enable a man to find truth in a lie. A Boston critic said the
    “Slave Ship” reminded him of a cat having a fit in a platter of
    tomatoes. That went home to my non-cultivation, and I thought, here
    is a man with an unobstructed eye.
I’ve been going to operas, whether I wanted to or not, for fourteen years now, and I honestly can't think of a worse agony than listening to an unfamiliar opera. I love the tunes from “Trovatore” and other classic operas that I know so well from hand-organs and music boxes. I'm swept away with joy when they're performed at the opera. But oh, they're so rare! And there are such long, dry, heartbreaking, and headache-inducing stretches filled with that kind of intense but confusing noise that always reminds me of when the orphan asylum burned down.

Sunday night, 11th. There was a huge crowd tonight to hear the band play the “Fremersberg.” I guess it’s pretty low-quality music—I know it must be low-quality music—because it delighted me, warmed me, moved me, stirred me, lifted me up, and even enraptured me so much that I sometimes felt like crying and at other times wanted to shout. The large crowd was another sign that it was low-quality music, since only a few people are educated enough to enjoy high-quality music. I’ve never heard enough classical music to appreciate it, and the truth is I really dislike it. Not just a little—I detest it with all my heart.

What a sad bunch we humans are, anyway! If cheap music makes me feel free, why would I want anything else? But I do. I want to appreciate the higher music because those who are more refined enjoy it. But you see, I want to like it without putting in the effort or taking the time and attention it deserves. The natural thought is to get into that upper tier, that dress circle, by pretending—let’s say we like it. This lie, this pretense, gives opera its only support in America.

And then there’s painting. Turner's “Slave Ship” is like a red flag to a bull for me. Mr. Ruskin is educated in art to the point where that painting sends him into complete ecstasy, just as it sends me into a fit of rage. His knowledge allows him to see water in that yellow mud; it helps him make sense of impossible things floating—chains, etc.; it even lets him accept fish swimming on top of the water. Most of the painting is utterly impossible, meaning it’s a lie; only a rigid education can help someone find truth within a lie. A Boston critic said the “Slave Ship” reminded him of a cat having a fit in a bowl of tomatoes. That hit home for my lack of education, and I thought, here is a man with clear vision.

Mark Twain has dwelt somewhat upon these matters in 'A Tramp Abroad'. He confesses in that book that later he became a great admirer of Turner, though perhaps never of the “Slave Ship” picture. In fact, Mark Twain was never artistic, in the common acceptance of that term; neither his art nor his tastes were of an “artistic” kind.

Mark Twain has talked a bit about these things in 'A Tramp Abroad.' He admits in that book that later on, he became a big fan of Turner, although he might never have liked the painting “Slave Ship.” In reality, Mark Twain was never artistic in the usual sense of the word; neither his art nor his tastes were particularly “artistic.”





CXVIII. TRAMPING WITH TWICHELL.

Clemens met him at Baden-Baden, and they immediately set out on a tramp through the Black Forest, excursioning as pleased them, and having an idyllic good time. They did not always walk, but they often did. At least they did sometimes, when the weather was just right and Clemens's rheumatism did not trouble him. But they were likely to take a carriage, or a donkey-cart, or a train, or any convenient thing that happened along. They did not hurry, but idled and talked and gathered flowers, or gossiped with wayside natives and tourists, though always preferring to wander along together, beguiling the way with discussion and speculation and entertaining tales. They crossed on into Switzerland in due time and considered the conquest of the Alps. The family followed by rail or diligence, and greeted them here and there when they rested from their wanderings. Mark Twain found an immunity from attention in Switzerland, which for years he had not known elsewhere. His face was not so well known and his pen-name was carefully concealed.

Clemens met him in Baden-Baden, and they immediately set off on a hike through the Black Forest, exploring as they pleased and having a great time. They didn’t always walk, but often did. At least they walked sometimes, when the weather was perfect and Clemens's rheumatism wasn’t bothering him. However, they were likely to take a carriage, a donkey cart, a train, or anything convenient that came their way. They didn't rush, but took their time to chat, pick flowers, or gossip with local people and tourists, though they always preferred to wander together, making the journey enjoyable with discussions, speculations, and entertaining stories. Eventually, they crossed into Switzerland and considered tackling the Alps. The family followed by train or stagecoach, greeting them here and there when they took breaks from their travels. Mark Twain experienced a rare break from attention in Switzerland, something he hadn’t encountered for years elsewhere. His face wasn’t widely recognized, and he kept his pen name carefully hidden.

It was a large relief to be no longer an object of public curiosity; but Twichell, as in the Bermuda trip, did not feel quite honest, perhaps, in altogether preserving the mask of unrecognition. In one of his letters home he tells how, when a young man at their table, he was especially delighted with Mark Twain's conversation, he could not resist taking the young man aside and divulging to him the speaker's identity.

It was such a relief to no longer be a subject of public interest; however, Twichell, like during the trip to Bermuda, didn't feel entirely right about completely hiding behind the mask of unrecognition. In one of his letters home, he shares how, when a young man at their table, he was particularly impressed by Mark Twain's conversation and couldn't help but pull the young man aside to reveal the speaker's identity.

“I could not forbear telling him who Mark was,” he says, “and the mingled surprise and pleasure his face exhibited made me glad I had done so.”

“I couldn’t help but tell him who Mark was,” he says, “and the mix of surprise and happiness on his face made me glad I did.”

They climbed the Rigi, after which Clemens was not in good walking trim for some time; so Twichell went on a trip on his own account, to give his comrade a chance to rest. Then away again to Interlaken, where the Jungfrau rises, cold and white; on over the loneliness of Gemimi Pass, with glaciers for neighbors and the unfading white peaks against the blue; to Visp and to Zermatt, where the Matterhorn points like a finger that directs mankind to God. This was true Alpine wandering—sweet vagabondage.

They climbed Rigi, and afterward, Clemens wasn't in great shape for walking for a while; so Twichell took a trip on his own to give his friend a chance to recover. Then off again to Interlaken, where the Jungfrau stands tall and white; across the solitude of Gemimi Pass, surrounded by glaciers and the enduring white peaks against the blue sky; on to Visp and Zermatt, where the Matterhorn points like a finger guiding people to God. This was real Alpine exploration—joyful wandering.

The association of the wanderers was a very intimate one. Their minds were closely attuned, and there were numerous instances of thought—echo-mind answering to mind—without the employment of words. Clemens records in his notes:

The group of wanderers had a strong bond. Their thoughts were in sync, and there were many times when one person's mind responded to another's without using words. Clemens notes in his writings:

    Sunday A.M., August 11th. Been reading Romola yesterday afternoon,
    last night, and this morning; at last I came upon the only passage
    which has thus far hit me with force—Tito compromising with his
    conscience, and resolving to do, not a bad thing, but not the best
    thing. Joe entered the room five minutes—no, three minutes later
    —and without prelude said, “I read that book you've got there six
    years ago, and got a mighty good text for a sermon out of it the
    passage where the young fellow compromises with his conscience, and
    resolves to do, not a bad thing, but not the best thing.” This is
    Joe's first reference to this book since he saw me buy it twenty-
    four hours ago. So my mind operated on his in this instance. He
    said he was sitting yonder in the reading-room, three minutes ago (I
    have not got up yet), thinking of nothing in particular, and didn't
    know what brought Romola into his head; but into his head it came
    and that particular passage. Now I, forty feet away, in another
    room, was reading that particular passage at that particular moment.

    Couldn't suggest Romola to him earlier, because nothing in the book
    had taken hold of me till I came to that one passage on page 112,
    Tauchnitz edition.
    Sunday A.M., August 11th. I spent yesterday afternoon, last night, and this morning reading Romola; finally, I found the one passage that really struck me—Tito grappling with his conscience and deciding to do something that’s not bad, but not the best. Joe walked into the room five minutes—no, three minutes later—and without any introduction said, “I read that book you have there six years ago, and got a really good sermon out of it, the part where the young guy compromises with his conscience and decides to do something that's not bad, but not the best.” This is the first time Joe has mentioned this book since he saw me buy it just twenty-four hours ago. So, my thoughts must have influenced his. He said he was sitting over in the reading room, three minutes ago (I still haven’t gotten up), not thinking about anything in particular, and he didn’t know why Romola popped into his mind; but it did, along with that specific passage. Meanwhile, I was forty feet away, in another room, reading that exact passage at that exact moment.

    I couldn’t suggest Romola to him earlier because nothing in the book had grabbed my attention until I reached that one passage on page 112, Tauchnitz edition.

And again:

And again:

    The instances of mind-telegraphing are simply innumerable. This
    evening Joe and I sat long at the edge of the village looking at the
    Matterhorn. Then Joe said, “We ought to go to the Cervin Hotel and
    inquire for Livy's telegram.” If he had been but one instant later
    I should have said those words instead of him.
The number of times we've connected mentally is just endless. This evening, Joe and I sat for a long time at the edge of the village, gazing at the Matterhorn. Then Joe said, “We should go to the Cervin Hotel and ask about Livy’s telegram.” If he had just been a second later, I would have said those words myself.

Such entries are frequent, and one day there came along a kind of object-lesson. They were toiling up a mountainside, when Twichell began telling a very interesting story which had happened in connection with a friend still living, though Twichell had no knowledge of his whereabouts at this time. The story finished just as they rounded a turn in, the cliff, and Twichell, looking up, ended his last sentence, “And there's the man!” Which was true, for they were face to face with the very man of whom he had been telling.

Such moments happened often, and one day there was a real-life example. They were climbing a mountainside when Twichell started sharing a fascinating story about a friend who was still alive, although Twichell had no idea where he was at the moment. The story wrapped up just as they rounded a bend in the cliff, and Twichell, looking up, finished his last sentence, “And there’s the man!” Which was true, because they came face to face with the very person he had been talking about.

Another subject that entered into their discussion was the law of accidents. Clemens held that there was no such thing as an accident: that it was all forewritten in the day of the beginning; that every event, however slight, was embryonic in that first instant of created life, and immutably timed to its appearance in the web of destiny. Once on their travels, when they were on a high bank above a brawling stream, a little girl, who started to run toward them, slipped and rolled under the bottom rail of the protecting fence, her feet momentarily hanging out over the precipice and the tearing torrent below. It seemed a miraculous escape from death, and furnished an illustration for their discussion. The condition of the ground, the force of her fall, the nearness of the fatal edge, all these had grown inevitably out of the first great projection of thought, and the child's fall and its escape had been invested in life's primal atom.

Another topic that came up in their conversation was the law of accidents. Clemens believed that accidents didn’t really exist; everything was predetermined from the very beginning. Every event, no matter how minor, was rooted in that first moment of creation and perfectly timed to unfold in the web of fate. While they were traveling, they stood on a high bank above a rushing stream when a little girl ran toward them, lost her footing, and tumbled under the bottom rail of the safety fence, her feet dangling just above the edge and the raging water below. It looked like a miraculous escape from death, providing a perfect example for their conversation. The condition of the ground, the impact of her fall, and the proximity to the dangerous edge—all of these had stemmed inevitably from the first great spark of thought, and the girl's plunge and her survival were encoded in the very first building block of life.

The author of A Tramp Abroad tells us of the rushing stream that flows out of the Arcadian sky valley, the Gasternthal, and goes plunging down to Kandersteg, and how he took exercise by making “Harris” (Twichell) set stranded logs adrift while he lounged comfortably on a boulder, and watched them go tearing by; also how he made Harris run a race with one of those logs. But that is literature. Twichell, in a letter home, has preserved a likelier and lovelier story:

The author of A Tramp Abroad describes the rapid stream that flows out of the Arcadian sky valley, the Gasternthal, and rushes down to Kandersteg. He shares how he got some exercise by having “Harris” (Twichell) set stranded logs free while he relaxed on a boulder, watching them rush by. He also mentions how he made Harris race against one of those logs. But that’s just literature. Twichell, in a letter home, has kept a more believable and beautiful story:

    Mark is a queer fellow. There is nothing that he so delights in as
    a swift, strong stream. You can hardly get him to leave one when
    once he is within the influence of its fascinations. To throw in
    stones and sticks seems to afford him rapture. Tonight, as we were
    on our way back to the hotel, seeing a lot of driftwood caught by
    the torrent side below the path, I climbed down and threw it in.
    When I got back to the path Mark was running down-stream after it as
    hard as he could go, throwing up his hands and shouting in the
    wildest ecstasy, and when a piece went over a fall and emerged to
    view in the foam below he would jump up and down and yell. He said
    afterward that he hadn't been so excited in three months. He acted
    just like a boy; another feature of his extreme sensitiveness in
    certain directions.
    Mark is a quirky guy. There's nothing he enjoys more than a fast, powerful stream. Once he’s under its spell, it’s hard to get him to leave. Tossing in stones and sticks seems to bring him pure joy. Tonight, on our way back to the hotel, I noticed some driftwood caught in the rushing water below the path, so I climbed down and tossed it in. When I got back to the path, Mark was running downstream after it as fast as he could, throwing his hands up and shouting with wild excitement. When a piece went over a fall and came into view in the foam below, he jumped up and down and yelled. He said afterward that he hadn’t been this excited in three months. He was acting just like a kid; it's another sign of how sensitive he is in certain ways.

Then generalizing, Twichell adds:

Then generalizing, Twichell adds:

    He has coarse spots in him. But I never knew a person so finely
    regardful of the feelings of others in some ways. He hates to pass
    another person walking, and will practise some subterfuge to take
    off what he feels is the discourtesy of it. And he is exceedingly
    timid, tremblingly timid, about approaching strangers; hates to ask
    a question. His sensitive regard for others extends to animals.
    When we are driving his concern is all about the horse. He can't
    bear to see the whip used, or to see a horse pull hard. To-day,
    when the driver clucked up his horse and quickened his pace a
    little, Mark said, “The fellow's got the notion that we are in a
    hurry.” He is exceedingly considerate toward me in regard of
    everything—or most things.
He has rough edges to him. But I've never met someone so thoughtful about the feelings of others in some ways. He hates to pass another person while walking and will go out of his way to avoid what he sees as rude. He’s incredibly timid, really nervous, about approaching strangers; he dislikes asking questions. His sensitivity to others extends to animals. When we're driving, his main concern is for the horse. He can't stand to see the whip used or see a horse struggling. Today, when the driver urged his horse to pick up the pace a bit, Mark said, “The guy thinks we’re in a hurry.” He’s very considerate towards me in almost everything.

The days were not all sunshine. Sometimes it rained and they took shelter by the wayside, or, if there was no shelter, they plodded along under their umbrellas, still talking away, and if something occurred that Clemens wanted to put down they would stand stock still in the rain, and Twichell would hold the umbrella while Clemens wrote—a good while sometimes—oblivious to storm and discomfort and the long way yet ahead.

The days weren’t always sunny. Sometimes it rained, and they took cover by the roadside, or if there was no shelter, they trudged along under their umbrellas, still chatting. If something happened that Clemens wanted to note down, they would stand completely still in the rain, and Twichell would hold the umbrella while Clemens wrote—sometimes for a long time—unaware of the storm and discomfort and the long journey still ahead.

After the day on Gemmi Pass Twichell wrote home:

After the day on Gemmi Pass, Twichell wrote home:

    Mark, to-day, was immensely absorbed in the flowers. He scrambled
    around and gathered a great variety, and manifested the intensest
    pleasure in them. He crowded a pocket of his note-book with his
    specimens and wanted more room. So I stopped the guide and got out
    my needle and thread, and out of a stiff paper, a hotel
    advertisement, I had about me made a paper bag, a cornucopia like,
    and tied it to his vest in front, and it answered the purpose
    admirably. He filled it full with a beautiful collection, and as
    soon as we got here to-night he transferred it to a cardboard box
    and sent it by mail to Livy. A strange Mark he is, full of
    contradictions. I spoke last night of his sensitive to others'
    feelings. To-day the guide got behind, and came up as if he would
    like to go by, yet hesitated to do so. Mark paused, went aside and
    busied himself a minute picking a flower. In the halt the guide got
    by and resumed his place in front. Mark threw the flower away,
    saying, “I didn't want that. I only wanted to give the old man a
    chance to go on without seeming to pass us.” Mark is splendid to
    walk with amid such grand scenery, for he talks so well about it,
    has such a power of strong, picturesque expression. I wish you
    might have heard him to-day. His vigorous speech nearly did justice
    to the things we saw.
Mark was completely immersed in the flowers today. He dashed around, collecting all sorts of them and showing pure joy in his discoveries. He stuffed a pocket of his notebook with specimens and wanted more space. So, I stopped the guide, pulled out my needle and thread, and fashioned a paper bag from a stiff hotel advertisement I had with me. I tied it to his vest in front, and it worked perfectly. He filled it with a beautiful collection, and as soon as we arrived here tonight, he transferred it to a cardboard box and mailed it to Livy. He’s a curious guy, full of contradictions. I mentioned last night how attuned he is to others’ feelings. Today, the guide fell behind and seemed unsure about trying to pass us. Mark paused, stepped aside, and spent a moment picking a flower. During that pause, the guide moved ahead and took his place in front again. Mark tossed the flower aside and said, "I didn’t want that. I just wanted to give the old man a chance to move on without making it obvious he was passing us." Mark is fantastic to walk with in such beautiful scenery because he talks so well about it and has a remarkable talent for vivid expression. I wish you could have heard him today. His energetic language nearly captured the beauty of what we saw.

In an address which Twichell gave many years later he recalls another pretty incident of their travels. They had been toiling up the Gorner Grat.

In a speech that Twichell gave many years later, he remembers another nice moment from their travels. They had been climbing up the Gorner Grat.

      As we paused for a rest, a lamb from a flock of sheep near by ventured
      inquisitively toward us, whereupon Mark seated himself on a rock, and with
      beckoning hand and soft words tried to get it to come to him.
    
      As we took a break, a lamb from a nearby flock of sheep curiously approached us. Mark then sat on a rock and, with a wave of his hand and gentle words, tried to get it to come over to him.
      On the lamb's part it was a struggle between curiosity and timidity, but
      in a succession of advances and retreats it gained confidence, though at a
      very gradual rate. It was a scene for a painter: the great American
      humorist on one side of the game and that silly little creature on the
      other, with the Matterhorn for a background. Mark was reminded that the
      time he was consuming was valuable—but to no purpose. The Gorner
      Grat could wait. He held on with undiscouraged perseverance till he
      carried his point: the lamb finally put its nose in his hand, and he was
      happy over it all the rest of the day.
    
      For the lamb, it was a battle between curiosity and shyness, but through a series of advances and retreats, it gradually gained confidence. It was a scene fit for a painting: the great American humorist on one side of the game and that silly little creature on the other, with the Matterhorn in the background. Mark realized that the time he was spending was precious—but for no reason. The Gorner Grat could wait. He persisted with unwavering determination until he succeeded: the lamb finally nudged its nose into his hand, and he felt happy about it for the rest of the day.

The matter of religion came up now and again in the drift of their discussions. It was Twichell's habit to have prayers in their room every night at the hotels, and Clemens was willing to join in the observances. Once Twichell, finding him in a responsive mood—a remorseful mood—gave his sympathy, and spoke of the larger sympathy of divinity. Clemens listened and seemed soothed and impressed, but his philosophies were too wide and too deep for creeds and doctrines. A day or two later, as they were tramping along in the hot sun, his honesty had to speak out.

The topic of religion came up occasionally during their conversations. Twichell had a routine of saying prayers in their hotel room every night, and Clemens was open to participating in the rituals. One time, seeing that Clemens was feeling reflective and a bit guilty, Twichell offered his understanding and talked about the broader compassion of a higher power. Clemens listened, appearing comforted and moved, but his beliefs were too expansive and profound for traditional creeds and teachings. A day or two later, while they were walking in the hot sun, he felt the need to express his true feelings.

“Joe,” he said, “I'm going to make a confession. I don't believe in your religion at all. I've been living a lie right straight along whenever I pretended to. For a moment, sometimes, I have been almost a believer, but it immediately drifts away from me again. I don't believe one word of your Bible was inspired by God any more than any other book. I believe it is entirely the work of man from beginning to end—atonement and all. The problem of life and death and eternity and the true conception of God is a bigger thing than is contained in that book.”

“Joe,” he said, “I need to confess something. I don’t believe in your religion at all. I’ve been living a lie every time I pretended to. Sometimes, for a brief moment, I’ve almost felt like a believer, but it never lasts. I don’t think a single word of your Bible was inspired by God any more than any other book. I believe it’s completely the work of humans from start to finish—including the idea of atonement. The issues of life, death, eternity, and the true nature of God are much bigger than what’s in that book.”

So the personal side of religious discussion closed between them, and was never afterward reopened.

So the personal side of their religious discussion ended between them and was never brought up again.

They joined Mrs. Clemens and the others at Lausanne at last, and their Swiss holiday was over. Twichell set out for home by way of England, and Clemens gave himself up to reflection and rest after his wanderings. Then, as the days of their companionship passed in review, quickly and characteristically he sent a letter after his comrade:

They finally met up with Mrs. Clemens and the others in Lausanne, and their Swiss vacation came to an end. Twichell headed home via England, and Clemens took time to reflect and relax after his travels. As he reminisced about the days they spent together, he quickly and typically sent a letter to his friend:

    DEAR OLD JOE, It is actually all over! I was so low-spirited at the
    station yesterday, and this morning, when I woke, I couldn't seem to
    accept the dismal truth that you were really gone, and the pleasant
    tramping and talking at an end. Ah, my boy! it has been such a
    rich holiday to me, and I feel under such deep and honest
    obligations to you for coming. I am putting out of my mind all
    memory of the times when I misbehaved toward you and hurt you; I am
    resolved to consider it forgiven, and to store up and remember only
    the charming hours of the journeys and the times when I was not
    unworthy to be with you and share a companionship which to me stands
    first after Livy's. It is justifiable to do this; for why should I
    let my small infirmities of disposition live and grovel among my
    mental pictures of the eternal sublimities of the Alps?

    Livy can't accept or endure the fact that you are gone. But you
    are, and we cannot get around it. So take our love with you, and
    bear it also over the sea to Harmony, and God bless you both.

                                MARK.
    DEAR OLD JOE, It’s really all over! I was so down at the station yesterday, and this morning when I woke up, I just couldn’t face the sad truth that you were actually gone, and our fun times of walking and talking are finished. Ah, my boy! it’s been such an amazing holiday for me, and I feel such deep gratitude to you for coming. I’m pushing aside all memories of the times I treated you poorly and hurt you; I’ve decided to forgive that and only hold onto the wonderful moments of our travels and the times I was worthy to be with you, sharing a companionship that means more to me than anything besides Livy. It’s right to do this; after all, why should I let my minor flaws and bad moods tarnish my mental images of the eternal beauty of the Alps?

    Livy can’t accept or handle the fact that you’re gone. But you are, and we can’t change that. So take our love with you, and carry it across the sea to Harmony, and God bless you both.

                                MARK.




CXIX. ITALIAN DAYS

The Clemens party wandered down into Italy—to the lakes, Venice, Florence, Rome—loitering through the galleries, gathering here and there beautiful furnishings—pictures, marbles, and the like—for the Hartford home.

The Clemens party traveled down to Italy—to the lakes, Venice, Florence, and Rome—taking their time exploring the galleries, picking up beautiful items—artwork, sculptures, and more—for their home in Hartford.

In Venice they bought an old careen bed, a massive regal affair with serpentine columns surmounted by singularly graceful cupids, and with other cupids sporting on the headboard: the work of some artist who had been dust three centuries maybe, for this bed had come out of an old Venetian palace, dismantled and abandoned. It was a furniture with a long story, and the years would add mightily to its memories. It would become a stately institution in the Clemens household. The cupids on the posts were removable, and one of the highest privileges of childhood would be to occupy that bed and have down one of the cupids to play with. It was necessary to be ill to acquire that privilege—not violently and dangerously ill, but interestingly so—ill enough to be propped up with pillows and have one's meals served on a tray, with dolls and picture-books handy, and among them a beautiful rosewood cupid who had kept dimpled and dainty for so many, many years.

In Venice, they bought an old canopy bed, a massive and regal piece with serpentine columns topped by uniquely graceful cupids, and more cupids frolicking on the headboard: the work of an artist who had been long gone, maybe three centuries, since this bed had come from an old Venetian palace that had been taken apart and abandoned. It was a piece of furniture with a rich history, and the years would greatly add to its memories. It would become a significant part of the Clemens household. The cupids on the posts could be removed, and one of the best privileges of childhood would be to sleep in that bed and take down one of the cupids to play with. To earn that privilege, you had to be ill—not seriously and dangerously ill, but interestingly so—sick enough to be propped up with pillows and have your meals served on a tray, with dolls and picture books close by, including a beautiful rosewood cupid that had remained dimpled and delicate for so many years.

They spent three weeks in Venice: a dreamlike experience, especially for the children, who were on the water most of the time, and became fast friends with their gondolier, who taught them some Italian words; then a week in Florence and a fortnight in Rome.

They spent three weeks in Venice: a dreamlike experience, especially for the kids, who were on the water most of the time and quickly became friends with their gondolier, who taught them some Italian words; then a week in Florence and two weeks in Rome.

—[From the note-book:

—[From the notebook:

“BAY—When the waiter brought my breakfast this morning I spoke to him in Italian.

“BAY—When the waiter brought my breakfast this morning, I talked to him in Italian.

“MAMA—What did you say?

"MOM—What did you say?"

“B.—I said, 'Polly-vo fransay.'

“B.—I said, 'Polly speaks French.'”

“M.—What does it mean? “

“M.—What does it mean?”

B.—I don't know. What does it mean, Susy?

B.—I don't know. What does it mean, Susy?

“S.—It means, 'Polly wants a cracker.'”]

“S.—It means, 'Polly wants a cracker.'”

Clemens discovered that in twelve years his attitude had changed somewhat concerning the old masters. He no longer found the bright, new copies an improvement on the originals, though the originals still failed to wake his enthusiasm. Mrs. Clemens and Miss Spaulding spent long hours wandering down avenues of art, accompanied by him on occasion, though not always willingly. He wrote his sorrow to Twichell:

Clemens realized that over the past twelve years, his view of the old masters had shifted a bit. He no longer thought the vibrant, new copies were better than the originals, even though the originals still didn’t excite him. Mrs. Clemens and Miss Spaulding spent long hours exploring the art scene, sometimes with him, though not always with enthusiasm. He expressed his sadness to Twichell:

I do wish you were in Rome to do my sight-seeing for me. Rome interests me as much as East Hartford could, and no more; that is, the Rome which the average tourist feels an interest in. There are other things here which stir me enough to make life worth living. Livy and Clara are having a royal time worshiping the old masters, and I as good a time gritting my ineffectual teeth over them.

I really wish you were in Rome to take care of my sightseeing for me. Rome fascinates me just as much as East Hartford does, and no more; that is, the part of Rome that the average tourist finds interesting. There are other things here that excite me enough to make life worth living. Livy and Clara are having a great time admiring the old masters, while I'm struggling to hold back my frustration with them.

Once when Sarah Orne Jewett was with the party he remarked that if the old masters had labeled their fruit one wouldn't be so likely to mistake pears for turnips.

Once, when Sarah Orne Jewett was with the group, he commented that if the old masters had labeled their fruit, people wouldn't be so likely to confuse pears with turnips.

“Youth,” said Mrs. Clemens, gravely, “if you do not care for these masterpieces yourself, you might at least consider the feelings of others”; and Miss Jewett, regarding him severely, added, in her quaint Yankee fashion:

“Youth,” Mrs. Clemens said seriously, “if you don’t appreciate these masterpieces yourself, at least think about how others feel.” Miss Jewett, looking at him sternly, added in her unique Yankee way:

“Now, you've been spoke to!”

“Now, you've been spoken to!”

He felt duly reprimanded, but his taste did not materially reform. He realized that he was no longer in a proper frame of mind to write of general sight-seeing. One must be eager, verdant, to write happily the story of travel. Replying to a letter from Howells on the subject he said:

He felt properly scolded, but his taste didn’t really change. He understood that he was no longer in the right mindset to write about general sightseeing. To write joyfully about travel, you have to be enthusiastic and fresh. In response to a letter from Howells about this, he said:

    I wish I could give those sharp satires on European life which you
    mention, but of course a man can't write successful satire except he
    be in a calm, judicial good-humor; whereas I hate travel, and I hate
    hotels, and I hate the opera, and I hate the old masters. In truth
    I don't ever seem to be in a good enough humor with anything to
    satirize it. No, I want to stand up before it and curse it and foam
    at the mouth, or take a club and pound it to rags and pulp. I have
    got in two or three chapters about Wagner's operas, and managed to
    do it without showing temper, but the strain of another such effort
    would burst me.
    I wish I could write those biting critiques of European life you mentioned, but of course, you can’t effectively write satire unless you're feeling calm and in a good mood; however, I can’t stand traveling, I dislike hotels, I can’t stand the opera, and I’m not a fan of the old masters. Honestly, I never feel like I’m in a good enough mood to satirize anything. No, I want to confront it and curse it out and go crazy, or grab a club and smash it to bits. I’ve managed to write a couple of chapters about Wagner's operas and did it without losing my temper, but going through that again would definitely break me.

Clemens became his own courier for a time in Italy, and would seem to have made more of a success of it than he did a good many years afterward, if we may believe the story he has left us of his later attempt:

Clemens acted as his own courier for a while in Italy and seemed to have done better at it than he did many years later, if we can trust the story he shared about his later attempt:

“Am a shining success as a courier,” he records, “by the use of francs. Have learned how to handle the railway guide intelligently and with confidence.”

“I'm a shining success as a courier,” he writes, “thanks to using francs. I've learned how to handle the railway guide smartly and with confidence.”

He declares that he will have no more couriers; but possibly he could have employed one to advantage on the trip out of Italy, for it was a desperately hard one, with bad connections and delayed telegrams. When, after thirty-six hours weary, continuous traveling, they arrived at last in Munich in a drizzle and fog, and were domiciled in their winter quarters, at No. 1a, Karlstrasse, they felt that they had reached the home of desolation itself, the very throne of human misery.

He says he won’t use any more messengers; but maybe he could’ve found one useful for the trip out of Italy, since it was really tough, with terrible connections and late telegrams. When, after thirty-six hours of exhausting, nonstop travel, they finally arrived in Munich in the rain and fog, and settled into their winter place at No. 1a, Karlstrasse, they felt like they had reached the home of complete despair, the very center of human misery.

    And the rooms were so small, the conveniences so meager, and the
    porcelain stove was grim, ghastly, dismal, intolerable! So Livy and
    Clara Spaulding sat down forlorn and cried, and I retired to a
    private place to pray. By and by we all retired to our narrow
    German beds, and when Livy and I had finished talking across the
    room it was all decided that we should rest twenty-four hours, then
    pay whatever damages were required and straightway fly to the south
    of France.
    And the rooms were tiny, the amenities really basic, and the porcelain stove was just awful, bleak, and unbearable! So Livy and Clara Spaulding sat down feeling miserable and cried, while I went off to a quiet spot to pray. Eventually, we all went to our cramped German beds, and after Livy and I finished chatting across the room, we decided we should rest for twenty-four hours, then cover any damages needed and head straight to the south of France.

The rooms had been engaged by letter, months before, of their proprietress, Fraulein Dahlweiner, who had met them at the door with a lantern in her hand, full of joy in their arrival and faith in her ability to make them happy. It was a faith that was justified. Next morning, when they all woke, rested, the weather had cleared, there were bright fires in the rooms, the world had taken on a new aspect. Fraulein Dahlweiner, the pathetic, hard-working little figure, became almost beautiful in their eyes in her efforts for their comfort. She arranged larger rooms and better conveniences for them. Their location was central and there was a near-by park. They had no wish to change. Clemens, in his letter to Howells, boasts that he brought the party through from Rome himself, and that they never had so little trouble before; but in looking over this letter, thirty years later, he commented, “Probably a lie.”

The rooms had been booked by letter months earlier by their owner, Fraulein Dahlweiner, who greeted them at the door with a lantern, overflowing with joy at their arrival and confidence in her ability to make them happy. That confidence proved well-founded. The next morning, when they all woke up refreshed, the weather had cleared up, there were bright fires in the rooms, and the world seemed new. Fraulein Dahlweiner, the hardworking little figure, appeared almost beautiful to them as she worked to ensure their comfort. She arranged for larger rooms and better amenities for them. Their location was central, and there was a nearby park. They had no desire to change. Clemens, in his letter to Howells, boasted that he personally brought the group from Rome and that they had experienced less trouble than ever before; but looking back on that letter thirty years later, he remarked, “Probably a lie.”

He secured a room some distance away for his work, but then could not find his Swiss note-book. He wrote Twichell that he had lost it, and that after all he might not be obliged to write a volume of travels. But the notebook turned up and the work on the new book proceeded. For a time it went badly. He wrote many chapters, only to throw them aside. He had the feeling that he had somehow lost the knack of descriptive narrative. He had become, as it seemed, too didactic. He thought his description was inclined to be too literal, his humor manufactured. These impressions passed, by and by; interest developed, and with it enthusiasm and confidence. In a letter to Twichell he reported his progress:

He rented a room a bit away for his work, but then he couldn't find his Swiss notebook. He wrote to Twichell that he had lost it, and that maybe he wouldn't have to write a travel book after all. But the notebook showed up, and he got back to working on the new book. For a while, things were going poorly. He wrote a lot of chapters, only to discard them. He felt like he had somehow lost the ability to write descriptive narratives. It seemed he had become too preachy. He thought his descriptions were too literal and his humor felt contrived. Eventually, those feelings faded; interest grew, along with enthusiasm and confidence. In a letter to Twichell, he shared his progress:

I was about to write to my publisher and propose some other book, when the confounded thing [the note-book] turned up, and down went my heart into my boots. But there was now no excuse, so I went solidly to work, tore up a great part of the MS. written in Heidelberg—wrote and tore up, continued to write and tear up—and at last, reward of patient and noble persistence, my pen got the old swing again! Since then I'm glad that Providence knew better what to do with the Swiss notebook than I did.

I was about to reach out to my publisher and pitch another book when that annoying notebook showed up, and my heart sank. But there was no excuse now, so I got to work, ripped up a big part of the manuscript I wrote in Heidelberg—wrote and ripped up, kept writing and tearing things up—and finally, thanks to my patient and determined efforts, my pen started flowing smoothly again! Since then, I’m grateful that fate knew better what to do with the Swiss notebook than I did.

Further along in the same letter there breaks forth a true heart-answer to that voice of the Alps which, once heard, is never wholly silent:

Further along in the same letter, there emerges a genuine response from the heart to that voice of the Alps which, once heard, is never completely silent:

    O Switzerland! The further it recedes into the enriching haze of
    time, the more intolerably delicious the charm of it and the cheer
    of it and the glory and majesty, and solemnity and pathos of it
    grow. Those mountains had a soul: they thought, they spoke. And
    what a voice it was! And how real! Deep down in my memory it is
    sounding yet. Alp calleth unto Alp! That stately old Scriptural
    wording is the right one for God's Alps and God's ocean. How puny
    we were in that awful Presence, and how painless it was to be so!
    How fitting and right it seemed, and how stingless was the sense of
    our unspeakable insignificance! And Lord, how pervading were the
    repose and peace and blessedness that poured out of the heart of the
    invisible Great Spirit of the mountains!

    Now what is it? There are mountains and mountains and mountains in
    this world, but only these take you by the heartstrings. I wonder
    what the secret of it is. Well, time and time and again it has
    seemed to me that I must drop everything and flee to Switzerland
    once more. It is a longing, a deep, strong, tugging longing. That is
    the word. We must go again, Joe.
O Switzerland! The more it fades into the comforting haze of time, the more incredibly delightful the charm, the joy, the glory, the majesty, the solemnity, and the pathos of it all grow. Those mountains had a soul: they thought, they spoke. And what a voice it was! And how vivid! Deep in my memory, I can still hear it. Alp calls to Alp! That dignified old biblical phrase perfectly describes God's Alps and God's ocean. How tiny we felt in that awe-inspiring Presence, and how painless it was to feel that way! It seemed so fitting and right, and the awareness of our absolute insignificance was so gentle! And Lord, how overwhelming was the sense of peace, calm, and bliss that flowed from the heart of the invisible Great Spirit of the mountains!

So what is it? There are countless mountains in this world, but only these touch your heart. I wonder what the secret is. Time and again, I feel an urge to drop everything and escape to Switzerland once more. It’s a longing, a deep, strong, pulling longing. That’s the word. We have to go again, Joe.




CXX. IN MUNICH

That winter in Munich was not recalled as an unpleasant one in after-years. His work went well enough—always a chief source of gratification. Mrs. Clemens and Miss Spaulding found interest in the galleries, in quaint shops, in the music and picturesque life of that beautiful old Bavarian town. The children also liked Munich. It was easy for them to adopt any new environment or custom. The German Christmas, with its lavish tree and toys and cakes, was an especial delight. The German language they seemed fairly to absorb. Writing to his mother Clemens said:

That winter in Munich wasn’t remembered as an unpleasant time in later years. His work was going pretty well—always a major source of satisfaction. Mrs. Clemens and Miss Spaulding found enjoyment in the galleries, quirky shops, music, and the charming life of that beautiful old Bavarian town. The kids also enjoyed Munich. They easily adapted to any new environment or tradition. The German Christmas, with its extravagant tree, toys, and cakes, was especially delightful. They seemed to pick up the German language quite well. Writing to his mother, Clemens said:

I cannot see but that the children speak German as well as they do English. Susy often translates Livy's orders to the servants. I cannot work and study German at the same time; so I have dropped the latter and do not even read the language, except in the morning paper to get the news.

I can’t help but notice that the kids speak German just as well as they speak English. Susy often translates Livy’s orders for the servants. I can’t work and learn German at the same time, so I’ve given up on the latter and only read the language in the morning paper to get the news.

In Munich—as was the case wherever they were known—there were many callers. Most Americans and many foreigners felt it proper to call on Mark Twain. It was complimentary, but it was wearying sometimes. Mrs. Clemens, in a letter written from Venice, where they had received even more than usual attention, declared there were moments when she almost wished she might never see a visitor again.

In Munich—like everywhere else they were recognized—there were many visitors. Most Americans and a lot of foreigners thought it was polite to stop by and see Mark Twain. It was flattering, but it could be exhausting at times. Mrs. Clemens, in a letter from Venice, where they got even more attention than usual, said there were moments when she almost wished she wouldn’t have to see another visitor again.

Originally there was a good deal about Munich in the new book, and some of the discarded chapters might have been retained with advantage. They were ruled out in the final weeding as being too serious, along with the French chapters. Only a few Italian memories were left to follow the Switzerland wanderings.

Originally, there was quite a bit about Munich in the new book, and some of the discarded chapters could have been kept to good effect. They were eliminated in the final edits for being too serious, along with the French chapters. Only a few memories from Italy were left after the travels through Switzerland.

The book does record one Munich event, though transferring it to Heilsbronn. It is the incident of the finding of the lost sock in the vast bedroom. It may interest the reader to compare what really happened, as set down in a letter to Twichell, with the story as written for publication:

The book does mention one event in Munich, although it moves the location to Heilsbronn. It's about the discovery of a lost sock in the large bedroom. Readers might find it interesting to compare what actually happened, as detailed in a letter to Twichell, with the version created for publication:

    Last night I awoke at three this morning, and after raging to myself
    for two interminable hours I gave it up. I rose, assumed a catlike
    stealthiness, to keep from waking Livy, and proceeded to dress in
    the pitch-dark. Slowly but surely I got on garment after garment
    —all down to one sock; I had one slipper on and the other in my hand.
    Well, on my hands and knees I crept softly around, pawing and
    feeling and scooping along the carpet, and among chair-legs, for
    that missing sock, I kept that up, and still kept it up, and kept it
    up. At first I only said to myself, “Blame that sock,” but that
    soon ceased to answer. My expletives grew steadily stronger and
    stronger, and at last, when I found I was lost, I had to sit flat
    down on the floor and take hold of something to keep from lifting
    the roof off with the profane explosion that was trying to get out
    of me. I could see the dim blur of the window, but of course it was
    in the wrong place and could give me no information as to where I
    was. But I had one comfort—I had not waked Livy; I believed I
    could find that sock in silence if the night lasted long enough.
    So I started again and softly pawed all over the place, and sure
    enough, at the end of half an hour I laid my hand on the missing
    article. I rose joyfully up and butted the washbowl and pitcher off
    the stand, and simply raised——so to speak. Livy screamed, then
    said, “Who is it? What is the matter?” I said, “There ain't
    anything the matter. I'm hunting for my sock.” She said, “Are you
    hunting for it with a club?”

    I went in the parlor and lit the lamp, and gradually the fury
    subsided and the ridiculous features of the thing began to suggest
    themselves. So I lay on the sofa with note-book and pencil, and
    transferred the adventure to our big room in the hotel at
    Heilsbronn, and got it on paper a good deal to my satisfaction.
Last night I woke up at three in the morning, and after getting really frustrated for two long hours, I gave up. I got out of bed quietly so I wouldn't wake Livy, and I started getting dressed in complete darkness. Piece by piece, I managed to put on my clothes—until I was down to one sock; I had one slipper on and the other one in my hand. I crawled around on my hands and knees, feeling along the carpet and between the chair legs for that missing sock, and I kept at it. At first, I just told myself, “Blame that sock,” but that stopped being enough. My swearing got louder and louder, and eventually, feeling utterly lost, I had to sit down on the floor and grab something to keep myself from exploding with the profanity that wanted to burst out of me. I could see the faint shape of the window, but of course it was in the wrong place, so it didn’t help me figure out where I was. But I had one comfort—I hadn’t woken Livy; I thought I could find that sock quietly if the night lasted long enough. So I started again, softly feeling around the room, and sure enough, after half an hour, I finally found the missing sock. I jumped up joyfully and accidentally knocked over the washbowl and pitcher from the stand, and just about—well, you know. Livy screamed and then asked, “Who is it? What’s the matter?” I said, “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just looking for my sock.” She replied, “Are you looking for it with a club?”

I went into the living room and turned on the lamp, and gradually, my anger faded as I started to see the humor in the whole situation. So I lay down on the sofa with my notebook and pencil, and I wrote down the adventure, setting it in our big hotel room in Heilsbronn, and I got it on paper to my satisfaction.

He wrote with frequency to Howells, and sent him something for the magazine now and then: the “Gambetta Duel” burlesque, which would make a chapter in the book later, and the story of “The Great Revolution in Pitcairn.”—[Included in The Stolen White Elephant volume. The “Pitcairn” and “Elephant” tales were originally chapters in 'A Tramp Abroad'; also the unpleasant “Coffin-box” yarn, which Howells rejected for the Atlantic and generally condemned, though for a time it remained a favorite with its author.]

He frequently wrote to Howells and occasionally sent him something for the magazine: the “Gambetta Duel” parody, which would later be a chapter in the book, and the story “The Great Revolution in Pitcairn.” —[Included in The Stolen White Elephant volume. The “Pitcairn” and “Elephant” stories were originally chapters in 'A Tramp Abroad'; also the unpleasant “Coffin-box” story, which Howells rejected for the Atlantic and generally criticized, though it remained a favorite with its author for a while.]

Howells's novel, 'The Lady of the Aroostook', was then running through the 'Atlantic', and in one of his letters Clemens expresses the general deep satisfaction of his household in that tale:

Howells's novel, 'The Lady of the Aroostook', was then being published in the 'Atlantic', and in one of his letters, Clemens shares the overall happiness of his family with that story:

If your literature has not struck perfection now we are not able to see what is lacking. It is all such truth—truth to the life; everywhere your pen falls it leaves a photograph.... Possibly you will not be a fully accepted classic until you have been dead one hundred years—it is the fate of the Shakespeares of all genuine professions—but then your books will be as common as Bibles, I believe. In that day I shall be in the encyclopedias too, thus: “Mark Twain, history and occupation unknown; but he was personally acquainted with Howells.”

If your writing hasn’t reached perfection yet, we can’t see what’s missing. It’s all so true—truth to life; wherever your pen touches, it leaves a vivid picture…. Maybe you won’t be fully recognized as a classic until a hundred years after your death—it’s the fate of all greats, like Shakespeare. But then your books will be as common as Bibles, I believe. In that time, I’ll be in encyclopedias too, listed as: “Mark Twain, history and occupation unknown; but he was personally acquainted with Howells.”

Though in humorous form, this was a sincere tribute. Clemens always regarded with awe William Dean Howells's ability to dissect and photograph with such delicacy the minutiae of human nature; just as Howells always stood in awe of Mark Twain's ability to light, with a single flashing sentence, the whole human horizon.

Though presented in a funny way, this was a genuine tribute. Clemens always admired William Dean Howells's talent for carefully analyzing and capturing the small details of human nature; just as Howells always respected Mark Twain's ability to illuminate the entire human experience with a single brilliant sentence.





CXXI. PARIS, ENGLAND, AND HOMEWARD BOUND

They decided to spend the spring months in Paris, so they gave up their pleasant quarters with Fraulein Dahlweiner, and journeyed across Europe, arriving at the French capital February 28, 1879. Here they met another discouraging prospect, for the weather was cold and damp, the cabmen seemed brutally ill-mannered, their first hotel was chilly, dingy, uninviting. Clemens, in his note-book, set down his impressions of their rooms. A paragraph will serve:

They decided to spend the spring in Paris, so they left their nice place with Fraulein Dahlweiner and traveled across Europe, arriving in the French capital on February 28, 1879. Here, they encountered another disappointing situation; the weather was cold and damp, the cab drivers were rude, and their first hotel was cold, shabby, and unwelcoming. Clemens wrote down his impressions of their rooms in his notebook. A paragraph will suffice:

    Ten squatty, ugly arm-chairs, upholstered in the ugliest and
    coarsest conceivable scarlet plush; two hideous sofas of the same
    —uncounted armless chairs ditto. Five ornamental chairs, seats
    covered with a coarse rag, embroidered in flat expanse with a
    confusion of leaves such as no tree ever bore, six or seven a dirty
    white and the rest a faded red. How those hideous chairs do swear
    at the hideous sofa near them! This is the very hatefulest room I
    have seen in Europe.

    Oh, how cold and raw and unwarmable it is!
    Ten short, ugly armchairs, covered in the most unappealing and rough scarlet fabric; two awful sofas of the same kind—countless armless chairs, similarly bad. Five decorative chairs with seats covered in a coarse rag, decorated with a jumble of leaves that no tree ever produced, six or seven a dirty white and the rest a faded red. Those ugly chairs clash with the ugly sofa nearby! This is the most detestable room I have seen in Europe.

    Oh, how cold, damp, and impossible to warm it is!

It was better than that when the sun came out, and they found happier quarters presently at the Hotel Normandy, rue de l'Echelle.

It was even better when the sun came out, and they found more cheerful accommodations soon at the Hotel Normandy, rue de l'Echelle.

But, alas, the sun did not come out often enough. It was one of those French springs and summers when it rains nearly every day, and is distressingly foggy and chill between times. Clemens received a bad impression of France and the French during that Parisian-sojourn, from which he never entirely recovered. In his note-book he wrote: “France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.”

But, unfortunately, the sun didn’t show up often enough. It was one of those French springs and summers when it rains almost every day, and it’s frustratingly foggy and chilly in between. Clemens got a negative impression of France and the French during that stay in Paris, from which he never fully bounced back. In his notebook, he wrote: “France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. Aside from these downsides, it’s a nice country.”

The weather may not have been entirely accountable for his prejudice, but from whatever cause Mark Twain, to the day of his death, had no great love for the French as a nation. Conversely, the French as a nation did not care greatly for Mark Twain. There were many individual Frenchmen that Mark Twain admired, as there were many Frenchmen who admired the work and personality of Mark Twain; but on neither side was there the warm, fond, general affection which elsewhere throughout Europe he invited and returned.

The weather might not have been the sole reason for his bias, but for whatever reason, Mark Twain, until the day he died, didn't have much affection for the French as a nation. Likewise, the French as a nation didn't have much regard for Mark Twain. There were many individual French people that Twain respected, just as there were many who appreciated his work and personality; however, on both sides, there wasn't the same warm, genuine affection that he received and gave in other parts of Europe.

His book was not yet finished. In Paris he worked on it daily, but without enthusiasm. The city was too noisy, the weather too dismal. His note-book says:

His book wasn't finished yet. In Paris, he worked on it every day, but without any excitement. The city was too loud, and the weather was too gloomy. His notebook says:

May 7th. I wish this terrible winter would come to an end. Have had rain almost without intermission for two months and one week.

May 7th. I really wish this awful winter would finally be over. It’s been raining almost nonstop for the past two months and one week.

May 28th. This is one of the coldest days of this most damnable and interminable winter.

May 28th. This is one of the coldest days of this utterly terrible and endless winter.

It was not all gloom and discomfort. There was congenial company in Paris, and dinner-parties, and a world of callers. Aldrich the scintillating—[ Of Aldrich Clemens used to say: “When Aldrich speaks it seems to me he is the bright face of the moon, and I feel like the other side.” Aldrich, unlike Clemens, was not given to swearing. The Parisian note-book has this memorandum: “Aldrich gives his seat in the horse-car to a crutched cripple, and discovers that what he took for a crutch is only a length of walnut beading and the man not lame; whereupon Aldrich uses the only profanity that ever escaped his lips: 'Damn a dam'd man who would carry a dam'd piece of beading under his dam'd arm!'”]—was there, also Gedney Bunce, of Hartford, Frank Millet and his wife, Hjalmar Hjorth Boyesen and his wife, and a Mr. and Mrs. Chamberlain, artist people whom the Clemenses had met pleasantly in Italy. Turgenieff, as in London, came to call; also Baron Tauchnitz, that nobly born philanthropist of German publishers, who devoted his life, often at his personal cost, to making the literature of other nations familiar to his own. Tauchnitz had early published the 'Innocents', following it with other Mark Twain volumes as they appeared, paying always, of his own will and accord, all that he could afford to pay for this privilege; which was not really a privilege, for the law did not require him to pay at all. He traveled down to Paris now to see the author, and to pay his respects to him. “A mighty nice old gentleman,” Clemens found him. Richard Whiteing was in Paris that winter, and there were always plenty of young American painters whom it was good to know.

It wasn't all bad and uncomfortable. There was great company in Paris, dinner parties, and a ton of visitors. Aldrich, the dazzling one—[Aldrich Clemens once said: “When Aldrich speaks, it feels to me like he’s the bright face of the moon, and I feel like the dark side.”] Unlike Clemens, Aldrich didn’t swear. The Parisian notebook has this note: “Aldrich gave his seat in the streetcar to a guy with a crutch, only to find out what he thought was a crutch was just a piece of walnut trim and the guy wasn’t actually injured; then Aldrich used the only curse word he ever said: 'Damn a damned man who would carry a damned piece of trim under his damned arm!'”]—was there, along with Gedney Bunce from Hartford, Frank Millet and his wife, Hjalmar Hjorth Boyesen and his wife, and Mr. and Mrs. Chamberlain, artist people whom the Clemenses had met pleasantly in Italy. Turgenieff, as in London, came to visit; also Baron Tauchnitz, that noble philanthropist from German publishing, who devoted his life, often at his own expense, to sharing the literature of other nations with his own. Tauchnitz had early published the 'Innocents', following it up with other Mark Twain books as they came out, always paying whatever he could afford for this right; which wasn’t really a right, since the law didn’t require him to pay anything at all. He traveled to Paris now to see the author and to pay his respects. “A really nice old gentleman,” Clemens thought of him. Richard Whiteing was in Paris that winter, and there were always plenty of young American painters worth knowing.

They had what they called the Stomach Club, a jolly organization, whose purpose was indicated by its name. Mark Twain occasionally attended its sessions, and on one memorable evening, when Edwin A. Abbey was there, speeches were made which never appeared in any printed proceedings. Mark Twain's address that night has obtained a wide celebrity among the clubs of the world, though no line of it, or even its title has ever found its way into published literature.

They had what they called the Stomach Club, a fun group whose purpose was clear from its name. Mark Twain sometimes attended its meetings, and on one memorable evening when Edwin A. Abbey was there, speeches were made that were never printed in any records. Mark Twain's speech that night became famous among clubs worldwide, even though none of it, or its title, has ever been published in any literature.

Clemens had a better time in Paris than the rest of his party. He could go and come, and mingle with the sociabilities when the abnormal weather kept the others housed in. He did a good deal of sight-seeing of his own kind, and once went up in a captive balloon. They were all studying French, more or less, and they read histories and other books relating to France. Clemens renewed his old interest in Joan of Arc, and for the first time appears to have conceived the notion of writing the story of that lovely character.

Clemens enjoyed his time in Paris more than the others in his group. He could come and go as he pleased and socialize while the unusual weather kept the rest indoors. He did quite a bit of sightseeing on his own and even went up in a hot air balloon. Everyone was studying French to varying degrees and reading histories and other books about France. Clemens rekindled his old interest in Joan of Arc, and for the first time, he seemed to have the idea of writing the story of that remarkable figure.

The Reign of Terror interested him. He reread Carlyle's Revolution, a book which he was never long without reading, and they all read 'A Tale of Two Cities'. When the weather permitted they visited the scenes of that grim period.

The Reign of Terror intrigued him. He went over Carlyle's Revolution again, a book he often found himself reading, and they all read 'A Tale of Two Cities'. When the weather allowed, they visited the places from that grim period.

In his note-book he comments:

In his notebook he writes:

    “The Reign of Terror shows that, without distinction or rank, the
    people were savages. Marquises, dukes, lawyers, blacksmiths, they
    each figure in due proportion to their crafts.”
 
    “The Reign of Terror demonstrates that, regardless of social status, the people were brutal. Marquises, dukes, lawyers, blacksmiths—each one represents their professions appropriately.”

And again:

And again:

    “For 1,000 years this savage nation indulged itself in massacre;
    every now and then a big massacre or a little one. The spirit is
    peculiar to France—I mean in Christendom—no other state has had
    it. In this France has always walked abreast, kept her end up with
    her brethren, the Turks and the Burmese. Their chief traits—love
    of glory and massacre.”
 
“For 1,000 years, this brutal nation has been caught up in killing sprees; sometimes a large massacre, sometimes a small one. This tendency is unique to France—I mean within Christendom—no other country has experienced it. In this regard, France has always kept pace, standing alongside her counterparts, the Turks and the Burmese. Their main characteristics—love of glory and violence.”

Yet it was his sense of fairness that made him write, as a sort of quittance:

Yet it was his sense of fairness that made him write, almost as a way to settle the score:

    “You perceive I generalize with intrepidity from single instances.
    It is the tourists' custom. When I see a man jump from the Vendome
    Column I say, 'They like to do that in Paris.'”
 
    “You see, I boldly make generalizations based on single examples. It's a habit of tourists. When I see a guy jump from the Vendome Column, I think, 'They like to do that in Paris.'”

Following this implied atonement, he records a few conclusions, drawn doubtless from Parisian reading and observation:

Following this implied atonement, he notes a few conclusions, likely based on his reading and observations in Paris:

    “Childish race and great.”

    “I'm for cremation.”

    “I disfavor capital punishment.”

    “Samson was a Jew, therefore not a fool. The Jews have the best
    average brain of any people in the world. The Jews are the only
    race in the world who work wholly with their brains, and never with
    their hands. There are no Jew beggars, no Jew tramps, no Jew
    ditchers, hod-carriers, day-laborers, or followers of toilsome
    mechanical trade.

    “They are peculiarly and conspicuously the world's intellectual
    aristocracy.”

    “Communism is idiocy. They want to divide up the property. Suppose
    they did it. It requires brains to keep money as well as to make
    it. In a precious little while the money would be back in the
    former owner's hands and the communist would be poor again. The
    division would have to be remade every three years or it would do
    the communist no good.”
 
“Childish race and great.”

“I’m for cremation.”

“I’m against capital punishment.”

“Samson was a Jew, so he wasn’t a fool. Jews have the highest average intelligence of any group in the world. They are the only race that relies entirely on their minds rather than their physical labor. There are no Jewish beggars, no Jewish drifters, no Jewish ditch diggers, hod-carriers, day laborers, or people doing heavy mechanical work.

“They are uniquely and visibly the world’s intellectual elite.”

“Communism is ridiculous. They want to redistribute property. But think about it. It takes intelligence to manage money just as much as it does to make it. Before long, the money would end up back in the hands of the original owners, and the communists would be poor again. The redistribution would have to happen every three years, or it wouldn’t benefit the communists at all.”

A curious thing happened one day in Paris. Boyesen, in great excitement, came to the Normandy and was shown to the Clemens apartments. He was pale and could hardly speak, for his emotion. He asked immediately if his wife had come to their rooms. On learning that she had not, he declared that she was lost or had met with an accident. She had been gone several hours, he said, and had sent no word, a thing which she had never done before. He besought Clemens to aid him in his search for her, to do something to help him find her. Clemens, without showing the least emotion or special concentration of interest, said quietly:

One day in Paris, something strange happened. Boyesen, really worked up, arrived at the Normandy and was taken to the Clemens apartments. He looked pale and could barely talk because he was so emotional. He immediately asked if his wife had arrived at their rooms. When he found out she hadn’t, he claimed she was missing or had been in an accident. She had been gone for several hours, he said, and hadn’t sent any word, which she had never done before. He urgently asked Clemens to help him find her, to do something to assist him in the search. Clemens, without showing any emotion or particular interest, simply replied:

“I will.”

"I will."

“Where will you go first,” Boyesen demanded.

“Where are you going first?” Boyesen asked.

Still in the same even voice Clemens said:

Still in the same calm voice, Clemens said:

“To the elevator.”

“Go to the elevator.”

He passed out of the room, with Boyesen behind him, into the hall. The elevator was just coming up, and as they reached it, it stopped at their landing, and Mrs. Boyesen stepped out. She had been delayed by a breakdown and a blockade. Clemens said afterward that he had a positive conviction that she would be on the elevator when they reached it. It was one of those curious psychic evidences which we find all along during his life; or, if the skeptics prefer to call them coincidences, they are privileged to do so.

He left the room with Boyesen following him into the hall. The elevator was just arriving, and as they got there, it stopped at their floor, and Mrs. Boyesen stepped out. She had been held up by a breakdown and a jam. Clemens later said he was sure that she would be on the elevator when they got there. It was one of those strange psychic occurrences that we see throughout his life; or, if skeptics want to call them coincidences, they can do that.

    Paris, June 1, 1879. Still this vindictive winter continues. Had a
    raw, cold rain to-day. To-night we sit around a rousing wood fire.
    Paris, June 1, 1879. This bitter winter just won't let up. We had a chilly, damp rain today. Tonight, we’re gathered around a cozy wood fire.

They stood it for another month, and then on the 10th of July, when it was still chilly and disagreeable, they gave it up and left for Brussels, which he calls “a dirty, beautiful (architecturally), interesting town.”

They put up with it for another month, and then on July 10th, when it was still cold and unpleasant, they gave up and headed to Brussels, which he refers to as “a dirty, beautiful (architecturally), interesting town.”

Two days in Brussels, then to Antwerp, where they dined on the Trenton with Admiral Roan, then to Rotterdam, Dresden, Amsterdam, and London, arriving there the 29th of July, which was rainy and cold, in keeping with all Europe that year.

Two days in Brussels, then to Antwerp, where they had dinner on the Trenton with Admiral Roan, then to Rotterdam, Dresden, Amsterdam, and London, arriving there on July 29th, which was rainy and cold, just like the rest of Europe that year.

    Had to keep a rousing big cannel-coal fire blazing in the grate all
    day. A remarkable summer, truly!
    Had to keep a roaring big coal fire blazing in the fireplace all day. A remarkable summer, truly!

London meant a throng of dinners, as always: brilliant, notable affairs, too far away to recall. A letter written by Mrs. Clemens at the time preserves one charming, fresh bit of that departed bloom.

London was always buzzing with dinners: glamorous, noteworthy events, too far back to remember. A letter written by Mrs. Clemens during that time keeps one delightful, vivid piece of that lost atmosphere.

    Clara [Spaulding] went in to dinner with Mr. Henry James; she
    enjoyed him very much. I had a little chat with him before dinner,
    and he was exceedingly pleasant and easy to talk with. I had
    expected just the reverse, thinking one would feel looked over by
    him and criticized.

    Mr. Whistler, the artist, was at the dinner, but he did not attract
    me. Then there was a lady, over eighty years old, a Mrs. Stuart,
    who was Washington Irving's love, and she is said to have been his
    only love, and because of her he went unmarried to his grave.
    —[Mrs. Clemens was misinformed. Irving's only “love” was a Miss
    Hoffman.]—She was also an intimate friend of Madame Bonaparte.
    You would judge Mrs. Stuart to be about fifty, and she was the life
    of the drawing-room after dinner, while the ladies were alone,
    before the gentlemen came up. It was lovely to see such a sweet old
    age; every one was so fond of her, every one deferred to her, yet
    every one was joking her, making fun of her, but she was always
    equal to the occasion, giving back as bright replies as possible;
    you had not the least sense that she was aged. She quoted French in
    her stories with perfect ease and fluency, and had all the time such
    a kindly, lovely way. When she entered the room, before dinner, Mr.
    James, who was then talking with me, shook hands with her and said,
    “Good evening, you wonderful lady.” After she had passed...
    he said, “She is the youngest person in London. She has the
    youngest feelings and the youngest interests.... She is
    always interested.”

    It was a perfect delight to hear her and see her.
Clara [Spaulding] went to dinner with Mr. Henry James, and she really enjoyed his company. I had a brief conversation with him before dinner, and he was incredibly pleasant and easy to chat with. I had expected the opposite, thinking he would make me feel scrutinized and judged.

Mr. Whistler, the artist, was at the dinner, but he didn't capture my interest. There was also a lady, over eighty years old, Mrs. Stuart, who was Washington Irving's love, and it's said she was his only love, which is why he went to his grave unmarried. —[Mrs. Clemens was misinformed. Irving's only “love” was a Miss Hoffman.]— She was also a close friend of Madame Bonaparte. You would guess Mrs. Stuart was around fifty; she was the life of the drawing-room after dinner, while the ladies were alone, waiting for the gentlemen to join. It was wonderful to see such a sweet old age; everyone adored her, everyone showed her respect, yet everyone joked with her and teased her, but she always handled it well, coming back with bright replies; you wouldn't have sensed that she was old at all. She quoted French in her stories with perfect ease and fluency, and she had such a kind, lovely demeanor. When she entered the room before dinner, Mr. James, who was talking to me at the time, shook her hand and said, “Good evening, you amazing lady.” After she left, he said, “She is the youngest person in London. She has the youngest feelings and the youngest interests.... She is always interested.”

It was a total joy to listen to her and to be around her.

For more than two years they had had an invitation from Reginald Cholmondeley to pay him another visit.

For over two years, they had an invitation from Reginald Cholmondeley to come visit him again.

So they went for a week to Condover, where many friends were gathered, including Millais, the painter, and his wife (who had been the wife of Ruskin), numerous relatives, and other delightful company. It was one of the happiest chapters of their foreign sojourn.—[Moncure D. Conway, who was in London at the time, recalls, in his Autobiography, a visit which he made with Mr. and Mrs. Clemens to Stratford-on-Avon. “Mrs. Clemens was an ardent Shakespearian, and Mark Twain determined to give her a surprise. He told her that we were going on a journey to Epworth, and persuaded me to connive with the joke by writing to Charles Flower not to meet us himself, but send his carriage. On arrival at the station we directed the driver to take us straight to the church. When we entered, and Mrs. Clemens read on Shakespeare's grave, 'Good friend, for Jesus' sake, forbear,' she started back, exclaiming, 'where am I?' Mark received her reproaches with an affluence of guilt, but never did lady enjoy a visit more than that to Avonbank. Mrs. Charles Flower (nee Martineau) took Mrs. Clemens to her heart, and contrived that every social or other attraction of that region should surround her.”]

So they spent a week in Condover, where many friends were gathered, including Millais, the painter, and his wife (who had been Ruskin's wife), various relatives, and other lovely company. It was one of the happiest times of their travels abroad.—[Moncure D. Conway, who was in London at the time, recalls in his Autobiography a visit he made with Mr. and Mrs. Clemens to Stratford-on-Avon. “Mrs. Clemens was a devoted fan of Shakespeare, and Mark Twain planned to surprise her. He told her we were going on a trip to Epworth and convinced me to play along with the joke by writing to Charles Flower to not meet us himself but to send his carriage instead. When we arrived at the station, we instructed the driver to take us straight to the church. Upon entering, and when Mrs. Clemens read Shakespeare's grave, 'Good friend, for Jesus' sake, forbear,' she gasped and exclaimed, 'Where am I?' Mark received her reproaches with a sense of guilt, but never did a lady enjoy a visit more than that to Avonbank. Mrs. Charles Flower (née Martineau) welcomed Mrs. Clemens warmly and arranged for every social or other attraction in the area to be available to her.”]

From the note-book:

From the notebook:

    Sunday, August 17,'79. Raw and cold, and a drenching rain. Went to
    hear Mr. Spurgeon. House three-quarters full-say three thousand
    people. First hour, lacking one minute, taken up with two prayers,
    two ugly hymns, and Scripture-reading. Sermon three-quarters of an
    hour long. A fluent talker, good, sonorous voice. Topic treated in
    the unpleasant, old fashion: Man a mighty bad child, God working at
    him in forty ways and having a world of trouble with him.

    A wooden-faced congregation; just the sort to see no incongruity in
    the majesty of Heaven stooping to plead and sentimentalize over
    such, and see in their salvation an important matter.

    Tuesday, August 19th. Went up Windermere Lake in the steamer.
    Talked with the great Darwin.
    Sunday, August 17, '79. It was raw and cold, with pouring rain. I went to hear Mr. Spurgeon speak. The place was three-quarters full—about three thousand people. The first hour, minus one minute, was filled with two prayers, two unattractive hymns, and reading from Scripture. The sermon lasted three-quarters of an hour. He was a smooth talker with a good, rich voice. He addressed the topic in the unpleasant, old-fashioned way: humanity as a really bad child, with God trying to work on him in countless ways and struggling a lot with him.

    The audience had wooden expressions; they were the type who wouldn’t see the inconsistency in the majesty of Heaven coming down to plead and sentimentalize over such people, viewing their salvation as something significant.

    Tuesday, August 19. I took a steamer up Windermere Lake. I talked with the great Darwin.

They had planned to visit Dr. Brown in Scotland. Mrs. Clemens, in particular, longed to go, for his health had not been of the best, and she felt that they would never have a chance to see him again. Clemens in after years blamed himself harshly for not making the trip, declaring that their whole reason for not going was an irritable reluctance on his part to take the troublesome journey and a perversity of spirit for which there was no real excuse. There is documentary evidence against this harsh conclusion. They were, in fact, delayed here and there by misconnections and the continued terrific weather, barely reaching Liverpool in time for their sailing date, August 23d. Unquestionably he was weary of railway travel, for he always detested it. Time would magnify his remembered reluctance, until, in the end, he would load his conscience with the entire burden of blame.

They had planned to visit Dr. Brown in Scotland. Mrs. Clemens, especially, wanted to go because his health hadn't been great, and she felt they might never get the chance to see him again. Later on, Clemens was really hard on himself for not making the trip, insisting that their whole reason for not going was his annoying reluctance to deal with the difficult journey and a stubbornness for which he couldn't justify. However, there’s evidence that contradicts this harsh judgment. They were actually delayed by missed connections and the terrible weather, barely making it to Liverpool in time for their sailing date on August 23rd. There’s no doubt he was tired of train travel; he always hated it. Over time, he would exaggerate his remembered reluctance, ultimately piling all the blame onto himself.

Their ship was the Gallia, and one night, when they were nearing the opposite side of the Atlantic, Mark Twain, standing on deck, saw for the third time in his experience a magnificent lunar rainbow: a complete arch, the colors part of the time very brilliant, but little different from a day rainbow. It is not given to many persons in this world to see even one of these phenomena. After each previous vision there had come to him a period of good-fortune. Perhaps this also boded well for him.

Their ship was the Gallia, and one night, as they were approaching the other side of the Atlantic, Mark Twain, standing on deck, saw for the third time in his life a stunning lunar rainbow: a full arch, with colors that were at times very vivid, but not much different from a daytime rainbow. Not many people get to see even one of these phenomena. After each previous sighting, he’d experienced a streak of good luck. Maybe this also meant good things for him.





CXXII. AN INTERLUDE

The Gallia reached New York September 3, 1879. A report of his arrival, in the New York Sun, stated that Mark Twain had changed in his absence; that only his drawl seemed natural.

The Gallia arrived in New York on September 3, 1879. A report about his arrival in the New York Sun mentioned that Mark Twain had changed during his time away; the only thing that seemed the same was his drawl.

    His hat, as he stood on the deck of the incoming Cunarder, Gallia,
    was of the pattern that English officers wear in India, and his suit
    of clothes was such as a merchant might wear in his store. He
    looked older than when he went to Germany, and his hair has turned
    quite gray.
    His hat, as he stood on the deck of the arriving Cunarder, Gallia,  
    was the style that English officers wear in India, and his suit  
    was what a merchant might wear in his shop. He looked older than when  
    he went to Germany, and his hair had turned completely gray.

It was a late hour when they were finally up to the dock, and Clemens, anxious to get through the Custom House, urged the inspector to accept his carefully prepared list of dutiable articles, without opening the baggage. But the official was dubious. Clemens argued eloquently, and a higher authority was consulted. Again Clemens stated his case and presented his arguments. A still higher chief of inspection was summoned, evidently from his bed. He listened sleepily to the preamble, then suddenly said: “Oh, chalk his baggage, of course! Don't you know it's Mark Twain and that he'll talk all night?”

It was late when they finally reached the dock, and Clemens, eager to get through Customs, urged the inspector to accept his carefully prepared list of taxable items without checking the bags. But the official was skeptical. Clemens made a strong case, and a higher authority was called in. He reiterated his points and laid out his arguments again. Then, an even higher inspection chief was summoned, clearly pulled from his sleep. He listened groggily to the introduction and then suddenly said: “Oh, just mark his baggage, of course! Don't you know it's Mark Twain and that he'll talk all night?”

They went directly to the farm, for whose high sunlit loveliness they had been longing through all their days of absence. Mrs. Clemens, in her letters, had never failed to dwell on her hunger for that fair hilltop. From his accustomed study-table Clemens wrote to Twichell:

They went straight to the farm, whose beautiful sunlit scenery they had been missing during their time away. In her letters, Mrs. Clemens always expressed her longing for that lovely hilltop. From his usual study desk, Clemens wrote to Twichell:

“You have run about a good deal, Joe, but you have never seen any place that was so divine as the farm. Why don't you come here and take a foretaste of Heaven?” Clemens declared he would roam no more forever, and settled down to the happy farm routine. He took up his work, which had not gone well in Paris, and found his interest in it renewed. In the letter to Twichell he said:

“You've been around a lot, Joe, but you've never seen a place as amazing as this farm. Why don’t you come here and get a taste of Heaven?” Clemens said he wouldn’t wander anymore and settled into the joyful routines of farm life. He resumed his work, which hadn’t gone well in Paris, and found his interest in it revived. In the letter to Twichell he said:

    I am revising my MS. I did not expect to like it, but I do. I have
    been knocking out early chapters for more than a year now, not
    because they had not merit, but merely because they hindered the
    flow of the narrative; it was a dredging process. Day before
    yesterday my shovel fetched up three more chapters and laid them,
    reeking, on the festering shore-pile of their predecessors, and now
    I think the yarn swims right along, without hitch or halt. I
    believe it will be a readable book of travels. I cannot see that it
    lacks anything but information.
    I am revising my manuscript. I didn’t expect to like it, but I do. I’ve been working on early chapters for over a year now, not because they didn’t have value, but simply because they interrupted the flow of the story; it was a heavy process. The day before yesterday, my efforts uncovered three more chapters and added them, unpleasant as they were, to the growing pile of their predecessors, and now I think the story flows smoothly, without any issues. I believe it will be an engaging travel book. I can’t see that it lacks anything except information.

Mrs. Clemens was no less weary of travel than her husband. Yet she had enjoyed their roaming, and her gain from it had been greater than his. Her knowledge of art and literature, and of the personal geography of nations, had vastly increased; her philosophy of life had grown beyond all counting.

Mrs. Clemens was just as tired of traveling as her husband. Still, she had enjoyed their adventures, and she benefited from them more than he did. Her understanding of art and literature, along with her knowledge of the cultures of different countries, had greatly expanded; her outlook on life had grown immeasurably.

She had lost something, too; she had outstripped her traditions. One day, when she and her sister had walked across the fields, and had stopped to rest in a little grove by a pretty pond, she confessed, timidly enough and not without sorrow, how she had drifted away from her orthodox views. She had ceased to believe, she said, in the orthodox Bible God, who exercised a personal supervision over every human soul. The hordes of people she had seen in many lands, the philosophies she had listened to from her husband and those wise ones about him, the life away from the restricted round of home, all had contributed to this change. Her God had become a larger God; the greater mind which exerts its care of the individual through immutable laws of time and change and environment—the Supreme Good which comprehends the individual flower, dumb creature, or human being only as a unit in the larger scheme of life and love. Her sister was not shocked or grieved; she too had grown with the years, and though perhaps less positively directed, had by a path of her own reached a wider prospect of conclusions. It was a sweet day there in the little grove by the water, and would linger in the memory of both so long as life lasted. Certainly it was the larger faith; though the moment must always come when the narrower, nearer, more humanly protecting arm of orthodoxy lends closer comfort. Long afterward, in the years that followed the sorrow of heavy bereavement, Clemens once said to his wife, “Livy, if it comforts you to lean on the Christian faith do so,” and she answered, “I can't, Youth. I haven't any.”

She had lost something too; she had outgrown her traditions. One day, when she and her sister had walked across the fields and stopped to rest in a small grove by a beautiful pond, she timidly admitted, not without sadness, how she had drifted away from her traditional beliefs. She said she no longer believed in the traditional Bible God, who personally watched over every human soul. The countless people she had met in various countries, the philosophies she had heard from her husband and the wise ones around him, and her life away from the confines of home, all contributed to this change. Her God had expanded; the greater mind that cares for each individual through the unchanging laws of time, change, and environment— the Supreme Good that sees each individual flower, silent creature, or human being only as part of the bigger picture of life and love. Her sister wasn’t shocked or upset; she too had evolved over the years, and though perhaps her path was less clear, she had arrived at a broader understanding in her own way. It was a lovely day in the grove by the water, and it would remain in both of their memories for as long as they lived. It certainly represented a broader faith; however, there would always be moments when the narrower, closer, more humanly comforting embrace of tradition would feel more reassuring. Much later, in the years that followed the deep sorrow of significant loss, Clemens once said to his wife, “Livy, if it helps you to lean on the Christian faith, do it,” and she replied, “I can’t, Youth. I don’t have any.”

And the thought that he had destroyed her illusion, without affording a compensating solace, was one that would come back to him, now and then, all his days.

And the idea that he had shattered her illusion without giving her any comfort would linger in his mind, now and then, for the rest of his life.





CXXIII. THE GRANT SPEECH OF 1879

If the lunar rainbow had any fortuitous significance, perhaps we may find it in the two speeches which Mark Twain made in November and December of that year. The first of these was delivered at Chicago, on the occasion of the reception of General Grant by the Army of the Tennessee, on the evening of November 13, 1879. Grant had just returned from his splendid tour of the world. His progress from San Francisco eastward had been such an ovation as is only accorded to sovereignty. Clemens received an invitation to the reunion, but, dreading the long railway journey, was at first moved to decline. He prepared a letter in which he made “business” his excuse, and expressed his regret that he would not be present to see and hear the veterans of the Army of the Tennessee at the moment when their old commander entered the room and rose in his place to speak.

If the lunar rainbow had any lucky significance, maybe we can find it in the two speeches that Mark Twain gave in November and December of that year. The first was delivered in Chicago during the reception for General Grant by the Army of the Tennessee on the evening of November 13, 1879. Grant had just returned from his amazing tour of the world. His journey from San Francisco eastward had been such a celebration that it was only given to royalty. Clemens received an invitation to the reunion, but, fearing the long train ride, he initially considered declining. He wrote a letter where he used "business" as his excuse and expressed regret that he wouldn’t be there to see and hear the veterans of the Army of the Tennessee at the moment their old commander entered the room and stood up to speak.

“Besides,” he said, “I wanted to see the General again anyway and renew the acquaintance. He would remember me, because I was the person who did not ask him for an office.”

“Besides,” he said, “I wanted to see the General again anyway and reconnect. He would remember me because I was the one who didn't ask him for a job.”

He did not send the letter. Reconsidering, it seemed to him that there was something strikingly picturesque in the idea of a Confederate soldier who had been chased for a fortnight in the rain through Ralls and Monroe counties, Missouri, now being invited to come and give welcome home to his old imaginary pursuer. It was in the nature of an imperative command, which he could not refuse to obey.

He didn't send the letter. After thinking it over, he realized there was something vividly scenic about the idea of a Confederate soldier who had been chased for two weeks in the rain through Ralls and Monroe counties in Missouri, now being invited to welcome home his old imaginary pursuer. It felt like a commanding order that he couldn't ignore.

He accepted and agreed to speak. They had asked him to respond to the toast of “The Ladies,” but for him the subject was worn out. He had already responded to that toast at least twice. He telegraphed that there was one class of the community that had always been overlooked upon such occasions, and that if they would allow him to do so he would take that class for a toast: the babies. Necessarily they agreed, and he prepared himself accordingly.

He accepted and agreed to speak. They had asked him to respond to the toast of “The Ladies,” but to him, that topic was played out. He had already responded to that toast at least twice. He sent a message saying that there was one group in the community that had always been ignored on such occasions, and if they would let him, he would toast that group: the babies. Naturally, they agreed, and he got ready to proceed.

He arrived in Chicago in time for the prodigious procession of welcome. Grant was to witness the march from a grand reviewing stand, which had been built out from the second story of the Palmer House. Clemens had not seen the General since the “embarrassing” introduction in Washington, twelve years before. Their meeting was characteristic enough. Carter Harrison, Mayor of Chicago, arriving with Grant, stepped over to Clemens, and asked him if he wouldn't like to be presented. Grant also came forward, and a moment later Harrison was saying:

He got to Chicago just in time for the huge welcome parade. Grant was going to watch the march from a large reviewing stand that had been built out from the second floor of the Palmer House. Clemens hadn't seen the General since their "awkward" introduction in Washington twelve years earlier. Their reunion was pretty typical. Carter Harrison, the Mayor of Chicago, arrived with Grant, stepped over to Clemens, and asked if he wanted to be introduced. Grant also moved in closer, and a moment later Harrison was saying:

“General, let me present Mr. Clemens, a man almost as great as yourself.” They shook hands; there was a pause of a moment, then Grant said, looking at him gravely:

“General, let me introduce you to Mr. Clemens, a man nearly as great as you are.” They shook hands; there was a brief pause, then Grant said, looking at him seriously:

“Mr. Clemens, I am not embarrassed, are you?”

“Mr. Clemens, I’m not embarrassed, are you?”

So he remembered that first, long-ago meeting. It was a conspicuous performance. The crowd could not hear the words, but they saw the greeting and the laugh, and cheered both men.

So he recalled that first meeting from ages ago. It was a memorable event. The crowd couldn't hear the words, but they saw the handshake and the laughter, and they cheered for both men.

Following the procession, there were certain imposing ceremonies of welcome at Haverly's Theater where long, laudatory eloquence was poured out upon the returning hero, who sat unmoved while the storm of music and cheers and oratory swept about him. Clemens, writing of it that evening to Mrs. Clemens, said:

Following the procession, there were some grand ceremonies of welcome at Haverly's Theater where long, praise-filled speeches were directed at the returning hero, who sat unaffected while the waves of music, cheers, and speeches surrounded him. Clemens, writing about it that evening to Mrs. Clemens, said:

    I never sat elbow to elbow with so many historic names before.
    Grant, Sherman, Sheridan, Schofield, Pope, Logan, and so on.

    What an iron man Grant is! He sat facing the house, with his right
    leg crossed over his left, his right boot sole tilted up at an
    angle, and his left hand and arm reposing on the arm of his chair.
    You note that position? Well, when glowing references were made to
    other grandees on the stage, those grandees always showed a trifle
    of nervous consciousness, and as these references came frequently
    the nervous changes of position and attitude were also frequent.
    But Grant! He was under a tremendous and ceaseless bombardment of
    praise and congratulation; but as true as I'm sitting here he never
    moved a muscle of his body for a single instant during thirty
    minutes! You could have played him on a stranger for an effigy.
    Perhaps he never would have moved, but at last a speaker made such a
    particularly ripping and blood-stirring remark about him that the
    audience rose and roared and yelled and stamped and clapped an
    entire minute—Grant sitting as serene as ever-when General Sherman
    stepped up to him, laid his hand affectionately on his shoulder,
    bent respectfully down, and whispered in his ear. Then Grant got up
    and bowed, and the storm of applause swelled into a hurricane.
    I’ve never been in such close company with so many historic figures before. Grant, Sherman, Sheridan, Schofield, Pope, Logan, and many more.

    What a tough guy Grant is! He was sitting in front of the audience, with his right leg crossed over his left, his right boot tilted up at an angle, and his left hand resting on the arm of his chair. Notice that position? While other big shots on stage were being praised, they always seemed a bit nervous, shifting their positions and adjusting their postures frequently. But Grant! He was under a relentless stream of praise and congratulations, yet I swear he didn’t move a muscle for thirty minutes! You could have mistaken him for a statue. Maybe he wouldn't have moved at all, but finally, a speaker made such an incredible and stirring comment about him that the audience erupted into cheers, applause, and stomping for a full minute—Grant still sitting there as calm as ever—until General Sherman walked over, placed his hand affectionately on Grant's shoulder, leaned down respectfully, and whispered in his ear. Then Grant stood up, bowed, and the applause exploded into a frenzy.

But it was the next evening that the celebration rose to a climax. This was at the grand banquet at the Palmer House, where six hundred guests sat down to dinner and Grant himself spoke, and Logan and Hurlbut, and Vilas and Woodford and Pope, fifteen in all, including Robert G. Ingersoll and Mark Twain. Chicago has never known a greater event than that dinner, for there has never been a time since when those great soldiers and citizens could have been gathered there.

But it was the next evening that the celebration reached its peak. This was at the grand banquet at the Palmer House, where six hundred guests sat down to dinner. Grant himself spoke, along with Logan, Hurlbut, Vilas, Woodford, Pope, and a total of fifteen people, including Robert G. Ingersoll and Mark Twain. Chicago has never seen a bigger event than that dinner, as there hasn't been another occasion since when those remarkable soldiers and citizens could all be gathered together.

To Howells Clemens wrote:

To Howells, Clemens wrote:

    Imagine what it was like to see a bullet-shredded old battle-flag
    reverently unfolded to the gaze of a thousand middle-aged soldiers,
    most of whom hadn't seen it since they saw it advancing over
    victorious fields when they were in their prime. And imagine what
    it was like when Grant, their first commander, stepped into view
    while they were still going mad over the flag, and then right in the
    midst of it all somebody struck up “When we were marching through
    Georgia.” Well, you should have heard the thousand voices lift that
    chorus and seen the tears stream down. If I live a hundred years I
    sha'n't ever forget these things, nor be able to talk about them. I
    sha'n't ever forget that I saw Phil Sheridan, with martial cloak and
    plumed chapeau, riding his big black horse in the midst of his own
    cannon; by all odds the superbest figure of a soldier. I ever
    looked upon!
    Grand times, my boy, grand times!
Imagine what it was like to see a bullet-riddled old battle flag reverently unfolded for a thousand middle-aged soldiers, most of whom hadn't seen it since it waved over victorious fields when they were at their prime. And think about the moment when Grant, their first commander, appeared while they were still going wild over the flag, and then someone started singing “When we were marching through Georgia.” You should have heard a thousand voices lift that chorus and seen the tears flow. If I live a hundred years, I’ll never forget these moments, nor will I be able to talk about them. I won’t ever forget that I saw Phil Sheridan, in his military cloak and feathered hat, riding his big black horse among his own cannons; without a doubt, the best-looking soldier I’ve ever seen! Great times, my friend, great times!

Mark Twain declared afterward that he listened to four speeches that night which he would remember as long as he lived. One of them was by Emory Storrs, another by General Vilas, another by Logan, and the last and greatest by Robert Ingersoll, whose eloquence swept the house like a flame. The Howells letter continues:

Mark Twain later said that he heard four speeches that night which he would remember for the rest of his life. One was by Emory Storrs, another by General Vilas, another by Logan, and the last, and the best, by Robert Ingersoll, whose eloquence lit up the room like a fire. The Howells letter continues:

    I doubt if America has ever seen anything quite equal to it; I am
    well satisfied I shall not live to see its equal again. How pale
    those speeches are in print, but how radiant, how full of color, how
    blinding they were in the delivery! Bob Ingersoll's music will sing
    through my memory always as the divinest that ever enchanted my
    ears. And I shall always see him, as he stood that night on a
    dinner-table, under the flash of lights and banners, in the midst of
    seven hundred frantic shouters, the most beautiful human creature
    that ever lived. “They fought, that a mother might own her child.”
     The words look like any other print, but, Lord bless me! he
    borrowed the very accent of the angel of mercy to say them in, and
    you should have seen that vast house rise to its feet; and you
    should have heard the hurricane that followed. That's the only
    test! People may shout, clap their hands, stamp, wave their
    napkins, but none but the master can make them get up on their feet.
I doubt America has ever seen anything quite like it; I’m pretty sure I won’t live to see its equal again. Those speeches look dull in writing, but they were so vibrant, full of life, and overwhelmingly powerful when delivered! Bob Ingersoll's words will always play in my memory as the most enchanting music I've ever heard. I can still picture him that night, standing on a dinner table, under bright lights and banners, surrounded by seven hundred excited fans, the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. “They fought, so a mother could own her child.” The words may look like any other text, but, wow! He used the very tone of an angel of mercy to say them, and you should have seen that huge crowd rise to their feet; and you should have heard the roar that followed. That’s the real test! People might shout, clap, stomp, and wave their napkins, but only a true master can make them stand up.

Clemens's own speech came last. He had been placed at the end to hold the house. He was preceded by a dull speaker, and his heart sank, for it was two o'clock and the diners were weary and sleepy, and the dreary speech had made them unresponsive.

Clemens's speech was last. He was put at the end to keep the audience engaged. Before him was a boring speaker, and he felt discouraged because it was two o'clock, and the diners were tired and sleepy, and the dull speech had made them unresponsive.

They gave him a round of applause when he stepped up upon the table in front of him—a tribute to his name. Then he began the opening words of that memorable, delightful fancy.

They gave him a round of applause when he stepped up onto the table in front of him—a tribute to his name. Then he began the opening words of that memorable, delightful fantasy.

“We haven't all had the good-fortune to be ladies; we haven't all been generals, or poets, or statesmen; but when the toast works down to the babies—we stand on common ground—”

“We haven't all been fortunate enough to be ladies; we haven't all been generals, or poets, or politicians; but when it comes down to the babies—we’re all on the same level—”

The tired audience had listened in respectful silence through the first half of the sentence. He made one of his effective pauses on the word “babies,” and when he added, in that slow, rich measure of his, “we stand on common ground,” they let go a storm of applause. There was no weariness and inattention after that. At the end of each sentence, he had to stop to let the tornado roar itself out and sweep by. When he reached the beginning of the final paragraph, “Among the three or four million cradles now rocking in the land are some which this nation would preserve for ages as sacred things if we could know which ones they are,” the vast audience waited breathless for his conclusion. Step by step he led toward some unseen climax—some surprise, of course, for that would be his way. Then steadily, and almost without emphasis, he delivered the opening of his final sentence:

The tired audience had listened in respectful silence through the first half of the sentence. He made one of his effective pauses on the word “babies,” and when he added, in that slow, rich style of his, “we stand on common ground,” they erupted into a storm of applause. There was no weariness or inattention after that. At the end of each sentence, he had to pause to let the applause roar and subside. When he began the final paragraph, “Among the three or four million cradles now rocking in the land are some which this nation would preserve for ages as sacred things if we could know which ones they are,” the huge audience waited breathlessly for his conclusion. Step by step he built toward some unseen climax—some surprise, of course, as that was his style. Then steadily, and almost without emphasis, he delivered the opening of his final sentence:

“And now in his cradle, somewhere under the flag, the future illustrious commander-in-chief of the American armies is so little burdened with his approaching grandeurs and responsibilities as to be giving his whole strategic mind, at this moment, to trying to find out some way to get his own big toe into his mouth, an achievement which (meaning no disrespect) the illustrious guest of this evening also turned his attention to some fifty-six years ago.”

“And now in his crib, somewhere beneath the flag, the future famous commander-in-chief of the American armies is so unconcerned with his upcoming greatness and responsibilities that he’s fully focused on figuring out how to get his own big toe in his mouth, an accomplishment that (no disrespect intended) the distinguished guest of this evening also attempted about fifty-six years ago.”

He paused, and the vast crowd had a chill of fear. After all, he seemed likely to overdo it to spoil everything with a cheap joke at the end. No one ever knew better than Mark Twain the value of a pause. He waited now long enough to let the silence become absolute, until the tension was painful, then wheeling to Grant himself he said, with all the dramatic power of which he was master:

He paused, and the huge crowd felt a chill of fear. After all, it seemed like he might go too far and ruin everything with a corny joke at the end. No one understood the power of a pause better than Mark Twain. He waited long enough for the silence to feel completely heavy, until the tension was almost unbearable, then turning to Grant himself, he said, with all the dramatic flair he was known for:

“And if the child is but the father of the man, there are mighty few who will doubt that he succeeded!”

“And if the child is just the father of the man, there are very few who would doubt that he succeeded!”

The house came down with a crash. The linking of their hero's great military triumphs with that earliest of all conquests seemed to them so grand a figure that they went mad with the joy of it. Even Grant's iron serenity broke; he rocked and laughed while the tears streamed down his cheeks.

The house collapsed with a loud crash. The connection of their hero's impressive military victories with that first conquest felt so grand to them that they went wild with joy. Even Grant's usual calm demeanor cracked; he swayed and laughed as tears streamed down his face.

They swept around the speaker with their congratulations, in their efforts to seize his hand. He was borne up and down the great dining-hall. Grant himself pressed up to make acknowledgments.

They gathered around the speaker, offering their congratulations as they tried to shake his hand. He was carried back and forth across the grand dining hall. Grant himself pushed forward to offer his thanks.

“It tore me all to pieces,” he said; and Sherman exclaimed, “Lord bless you, my boy! I don't know how you do it!”

“It completely broke me apart,” he said; and Sherman replied, “Wow, my boy! I have no idea how you manage it!”

The little speech has been in “cold type” so many years since then that the reader of it to-day may find it hard to understand the flame of response it kindled so long ago. But that was another day—and another nation—and Mark Twain, like Robert Ingersoll, knew always his period and his people.

The little speech has been in "cold type" for so many years that today's reader might find it difficult to grasp the passionate reaction it sparked so long ago. But that was a different time—and a different nation—and Mark Twain, like Robert Ingersoll, always understood his era and his audience.





CXXIV. ANOTHER “ATLANTIC” SPEECH

The December good-fortune was an opportunity Clemens had to redeem himself with the Atlantic contingent, at a breakfast given to Dr. Holmes.

The December good luck was a chance for Clemens to make up for himself with the Atlantic group, at a breakfast held for Dr. Holmes.

Howells had written concerning it as early as October, and the first impulse had been to decline. It would be something of an ordeal; for though two years had passed since the fatal Whittier dinner, Clemens had not been in that company since, and the lapse of time did not signify. Both Howells and Warner urged him to accept, and he agreed to do so on condition that he be allowed to speak.

Howells had written about it as early as October, and initially, he wanted to decline. It would be quite an ordeal; even though two years had gone by since the unfortunate Whittier dinner, Clemens hadn’t been in that group since then, and time didn’t change that. Both Howells and Warner encouraged him to accept, and he agreed, but only if he was allowed to speak.

      If anybody talks there I shall claim the right to say a word myself, and
      be heard among the very earliest, else it would be confoundedly awkward
      for me—and for the rest, too. But you may read what I say
      beforehand, and strike out whatever you choose.
    
      If anyone speaks up, I’ll assert my right to chime in and be heard early on; otherwise, it would be really uncomfortable for me—and for everyone else, too. But you can read what I say in advance and take out whatever you want.

Howells advised against any sort of explanation. Clemens accepted this as wise counsel, and prepared an address relevant only to the guest of honor.

Howells suggested avoiding any kind of explanation. Clemens took this as good advice and got ready a speech that was only about the guest of honor.

It was a noble gathering. Most of the guests of the Whittier dinner were present, and this time there were ladies. Emerson, Longfellow, and Whittier were there, Harriet Beecher Stowe and Julia Ward Howe; also the knightly Colonel Waring, and Stedman, and Parkman, and grand old John Bigelow, old even then.—[He died in 1911 in his 94th year.]

It was a distinguished gathering. Most of the guests from the Whittier dinner were there, and this time there were women. Emerson, Longfellow, and Whittier attended, along with Harriet Beecher Stowe and Julia Ward Howe; also present were the honorable Colonel Waring, Stedman, Parkman, and the venerable John Bigelow, who was already quite old at that time.—[He died in 1911 at the age of 94.]

Howells was conservative in his introduction this time. It was better taste to be so. He said simply:

Howells was cautious in his introduction this time. It was better to be that way. He stated plainly:

“We will now listen to a few words of truth and soberness from Mark Twain.”

“We will now hear a few words of truth and seriousness from Mark Twain.”

Clemens is said to have risen diffidently, but that was his natural manner. It probably did not indicate anything of the inner tumult he really felt.

Clemens is said to have gotten up hesitantly, but that was just his natural way. It probably didn’t show the inner turmoil he was actually feeling.

Outwardly he was calm enough, and what he said was delicate and beautiful, the kind of thing that he could say so well. It seems fitting that it should be included here, the more so that it tells a story not elsewhere recorded. This is the speech in full:

Outwardly, he appeared calm, and what he said was gentle and beautiful, the kind of thing he had a talent for expressing. It feels appropriate to include it here, especially since it tells a story that isn't documented anywhere else. Here is the full speech:

    MR. CHAIRMAN, LADIES, AND GENTLEMEN,—I would have traveled a much
    greater distance than I have come to witness the paying of honors to
    Dr. Holmes, for my feeling toward him has always been one of
    peculiar warmth. When one receives a letter from a great man for
    the first time in his life it is a large event to him, as all of you
    know by your own experience. You never can receive letters enough
    from famous men afterward to obliterate that one or dim the memory
    of the pleasant surprise it was and the gratification it gave you.
    Lapse of time cannot make it commonplace or cheap. Well, the first
    great man who ever wrote me a letter was our guest, Oliver Wendell
    Holmes. He was also the first great literary man I ever stole
    anything from, and that is how I came to write to him and he to me.
    When my first book was new a friend of mine said, “The dedication is
    very neat.” Yes, I said, I thought it was. My friend said,
    “I always admired it, even before I saw it in The Innocents Abroad.”
     I naturally said, “What do you mean? Where did you ever see it
    before?” “Well, I saw it first, some years ago, as Dr. Holmes's
    dedication to his Songs in Many Keys.” Of course my first impulse
    was to prepare this man's remains for burial, but upon reflection I
    said I would reprieve him for a moment or two, and give him a chance
    to prove his assertion if he could. We stepped into a book-store.
    and he did prove it. I had stolen that dedication almost word for
    word. I could not imagine how this curious thing happened; for I
    knew one thing, for a dead certainty—that a certain amount of pride
    always goes along with a teaspoonful of brains, and that this pride
    protects a man from deliberately stealing other people's ideas.
    That is what a teaspoonful of brains will do for a man, and admirers
    had often told me I had nearly a basketful, though they were rather
    reserved as to the size of the basket. However, I thought the thing
    out and solved the mystery. Some years before I had been laid up a
    couple of weeks in the Sandwich Islands, and had read and reread Dr.
    Holmes's poems till my mental reservoir was filled with them to the
    brim. The dedication lay on top and handy, so by and by I
    unconsciously took it. Well, of course, I wrote to Dr. Holmes and
    told him I hadn't meant to steal, and he wrote back and said, in the
    kindest way, that it was all right, and no harm done, and added that
    he believed we all unconsciously worked over ideas gathered in
    reading and hearing, imagining they were original with ourselves.
    He stated a truth and did it in such a pleasant way, and salved over
    my sore spot so gently and so healingly, that I was rather glad I
    had committed the crime, for the sake of the letter. I afterward
    called on him and told him to make perfectly free with any ideas of
    mine that struck him as good protoplasm for poetry. He could see by
    that time that there wasn't anything mean about me; so we got along,
    right from the start.—[Holmes in his letter had said: “I rather
    think The Innocents Abroad will have many more readers than Songs in
    Many Keys... You will be stolen from a great deal oftener than
    you will borrow from other people.”]

    I have met Dr. Holmes many times since; and lately he said—However,
    I am wandering wildly away from the one thing which I got on my feet
    to do; that is, to make my compliments to you, my fellow-teachers of
    the great public, and likewise to say I am right glad to see that
    Dr. Holmes is still in his prime and full of generous life, and as
    age is not determined by years but by trouble, and by infirmities of
    mind and body, I hope it may be a very long time yet before any can
    truthfully say, “He is growing old.”
 
    MR. CHAIRMAN, LADIES, AND GENTLEMEN, — I would have traveled a much greater distance than I have to honor Dr. Holmes, because I have always had a special affection for him. Receiving a letter from a great man for the first time is a significant event, as you all know from your own experiences. No matter how many letters you get from famous people afterward, that first one will always stand out, filled with the pleasant surprise and joy it brought you. Time can’t make it feel ordinary or cheap. Well, the first great man who ever wrote me a letter was our guest, Oliver Wendell Holmes. He was also the first notable author I ever borrowed from, and that’s how I ended up writing to him and vice versa. When my first book came out, a friend of mine said, “The dedication is really nice.” Yes, I replied, I thought it was. My friend continued, “I always admired it, even before I saw it in The Innocents Abroad.” Naturally, I asked, “What do you mean? Where did you see it before?” He said, “Well, I saw it years ago as Dr. Holmes’s dedication to his Songs in Many Keys.” Of course, my first thought was to prepare this guy for burial, but after thinking it over, I decided to give him a moment to prove his claim. We stepped into a bookstore, and he did prove it. I had copied that dedication almost word for word. I couldn't figure out how this strange thing happened because I was sure that a certain level of pride always comes with a bit of intelligence, and that pride keeps a person from intentionally stealing other people's ideas. That’s what a bit of intelligence does for a person, and admirers often told me I had almost a lot of it, though they were somewhat vague about how much. However, I thought it through and unraveled the mystery. Years ago, I spent a couple of weeks laid up in the Sandwich Islands, and I read Dr. Holmes’s poems over and over until my mind was full of them. The dedication was right on top and easy to access, so eventually, I unconsciously took it. Well, of course, I wrote to Dr. Holmes and told him I hadn’t meant to steal, and he kindly replied that it was all okay, no harm done. He added that he believed we all unknowingly work through ideas we gather from reading and listening, thinking they’re original to us. He expressed a truth in such a nice way, and eased my troubled thoughts so gently, that I was almost glad I had committed the crime for the sake of the letter. Later, I visited him and told him to feel free to use any of my ideas that he found inspiring for poetry. By that time, he could see I wasn’t trying to be underhanded; so we connected right away. — [Holmes in his letter had said: “I rather think The Innocents Abroad will have many more readers than Songs in Many Keys... You will be stolen from a great deal oftener than you will borrow from other people.”]

    I have met Dr. Holmes many times since; and recently he said — However, I’m getting way off track from the reason I got up here; that is, to extend my compliments to you, my fellow educators of the general public, and also to express how glad I am to see that Dr. Holmes is still vibrant and full of life. Since age isn’t just about years but also about the troubles and physical and mental challenges we face, I hope it will be a long time before anyone can honestly say, “He is getting old.”

Whatever Mark Twain may have lost on that former occasion, came back to him multiplied when he had finished this happy tribute. So the year for him closed prosperously. The rainbow of promise was justified.

Whatever Mark Twain might have lost before came back to him even more when he completed this joyful tribute. So, the year ended well for him. The promise of a bright future was fulfilled.





CXXV. THE QUIETER THINGS OF HOME

Upset and disturbed as Mark Twain often was, he seldom permitted his distractions to interfere with the program of his fireside. His days and his nights might be fevered, but the evenings belonged to another world. The long European wandering left him more than ever enamoured of his home; to him it had never been so sweet before, so beautiful, so full of peace. Company came: distinguished guests and the old neighborhood circles. Dinner-parties were more frequent than ever, and they were likely to be brilliant affairs. The best minds, the brightest wits, gathered around Mark Twain's table. Booth, Barrett, Irving, Sheridan, Sherman, Howells, Aldrich: they all assembled, and many more. There was always some one on the way to Boston or New York who addressed himself for the day or the night, or for a brief call, to the Mark Twain fireside.

Upset and disturbed as Mark Twain often was, he rarely let his worries disrupt the atmosphere of his home. His days and nights could be hectic, but the evenings felt like a different world. After his long travels in Europe, he became more in love with his home than ever; it had never seemed so sweet, so beautiful, and so peaceful. Guests arrived: notable friends and familiar faces from the neighborhood. Dinner parties happened more often than before, and they were often lively events. The brightest minds and sharpest wit gathered around Mark Twain's table, including Booth, Barrett, Irving, Sheridan, Sherman, Howells, Aldrich, and many others. There was always someone heading to Boston or New York who would stop by for the day, the night, or even just a brief visit to the Mark Twain fireside.

Certain visitors from foreign lands were surprised at his environment, possibly expecting to find him among less substantial, more bohemian surroundings. Henry Drummond, the author of Natural Law in the Spiritual World, in a letter of this time, said:

Certain visitors from foreign countries were surprised by his surroundings, maybe expecting to find him in less substantial, more artistic settings. Henry Drummond, the author of Natural Law in the Spiritual World, in a letter from that time, said:

    I had a delightful day at Hartford last Wednesday.... Called
    on Mark Twain, Mrs. Harriet Beecher Stowe, and the widow of Horace
    Bushnell. I was wishing A——had been at the Mark Twain interview.
    He is funnier than any of his books, and to my surprise a most
    respected citizen, devoted to things esthetic, and the friend of the
    poor and struggling.—[Life of Henry Drummond, by George Adam
    Smith.]
I had a wonderful day in Hartford last Wednesday.... I visited Mark Twain, Mrs. Harriet Beecher Stowe, and the widow of Horace Bushnell. I was wishing A—— could have been there for the Mark Twain meeting. He’s funnier than any of his books, and to my surprise, he’s a highly respected member of the community, devoted to the arts, and a friend to the poor and struggling.—[Life of Henry Drummond, by George Adam Smith.]

The quieter evenings were no less delightful. Clemens did not often go out. He loved his own home best. The children were old enough now to take part in a form of entertainment that gave him and them especial pleasure-acting charades. These he invented for them, and costumed the little performers, and joined in the acting as enthusiastically and as unrestrainedly as if he were back in that frolicsome boyhood on John Quarles's farm. The Warner and Twichell children were often there and took part in the gay amusements. The children of that neighborhood played their impromptu parts well and naturally. They were in a dramatic atmosphere, and had been from infancy. There was never any preparation for the charades. A word was selected and the parts of it were whispered to the little actors. Then they withdrew to the hall, where all sorts of costumes had been laid out for the evening, dressed their parts, and each detachment marched into the library, performed its syllable and retired, leaving the audience, mainly composed of parents, to guess the answer. Often they invented their own words, did their own costuming, and conducted the entire performance independent of grown-up assistance or interference. Now and then, even at this early period, they conceived and produced little plays, and of course their father could not resist joining in these. At other times, evenings, after dinner, he would sit at the piano and recall the old darky songs-spirituals and jubilee choruses-singing them with fine spirit, if not with perfect technic, the children joining in these moving melodies.

The quieter evenings were just as enjoyable. Clemens didn’t go out often; he preferred being at home. The kids were old enough now to join in on a type of fun that brought them all a lot of joy—acting out charades. He came up with the ideas for them, dressed the little performers in costumes, and participated in the acting with as much enthusiasm and abandon as if he were back in his playful boyhood on John Quarles's farm. The Warner and Twichell kids were often around and joined in the cheerful activities. The neighborhood children played their improvised roles well and naturally. They were in a dramatic environment and had been since they were little. There was never any prep for the charades. A word was chosen, and the parts were whispered to the little actors. Then they would head to the hall, where all sorts of costumes had been set out for the evening, put on their outfits, and each group would march into the library, perform their syllable, and exit, leaving the audience, mostly made up of parents, to guess the answer. Often, they would come up with their own words, create their own costumes, and run the whole show without needing help or interference from adults. Occasionally, even early on, they would come up with and put on little plays, and of course their dad couldn’t resist joining in. On other evenings, after dinner, he would sit at the piano and sing the old plantation songs—spirituals and jubilee choruses—with great spirit, if not perfect technique, with the kids joining in on those moving melodies.

He loved to read aloud to them. It was his habit to read his manuscript to Mrs. Clemens, and, now that the children were older, he was likely to include them in his critical audience.

He loved reading aloud to them. It was his routine to read his manuscript to Mrs. Clemens, and now that the kids were older, he often included them in his critical audience.

It would seem to have been the winter after their return from Europe that this custom was inaugurated, for 'The Prince and the Pauper' manuscript was the first one so read, and it was just then he was resuming work on this tale. Each afternoon or evening, when he had finished his chapter, he assembled his little audience and read them the result. The children were old enough to delight in that half real, half fairy tale of the wandering prince and the royal pauper: and the charm and simplicity of the story are measurably due to those two small listeners, to whom it was adapted in that early day of its creation.

It seems that the winter after their return from Europe is when this tradition started, as 'The Prince and the Pauper' manuscript was the first one read aloud, and it was during this time that he was getting back to work on that story. Each afternoon or evening, after finishing a chapter, he would gather his small audience and read them what he had written. The kids were old enough to enjoy that mix of reality and fantasy about the wandering prince and the royal pauper, and the charm and simplicity of the story can largely be credited to those two little listeners, for whom it was tailored in those early days of its creation.

Clemens found the Prince a blessed relief from 'A Tramp Abroad', which had become a veritable nightmare. He had thought it finished when he left the farm, but discovered that he must add several hundred pages to complete its bulk. It seemed to him that he had been given a life-sentence. He wrote six hundred pages and tore up all but two hundred and eighty-eight. He was about to destroy these and begin again, when Mrs. Clemens's health became poor and he was advised to take her to Elmira, though it was then midwinter. To Howells he wrote:

Clemens found the Prince to be a much-needed escape from 'A Tramp Abroad,' which had turned into a total nightmare. He thought he had finished it when he left the farm, but then realized he needed to add several hundred pages to reach the required length. It felt to him like he was given a life sentence. He wrote six hundred pages but ended up ripping up all but two hundred and eighty-eight. Just as he was about to throw those away and start over, Mrs. Clemens's health declined, and he was advised to take her to Elmira, even though it was the middle of winter. He wrote to Howells:

    I said, “if there is one death that is painfuler than another, may I
    get it if I don't do that thing.”

    So I took the 288 pages to Bliss and told him that was the very last
    line I should ever write on this book (a book which required 600
    pages of MS., and I have written nearly four thousand, first and
    last).

    I am as soary (and flighty) as a rocket to-day, with the unutterable
    joy of getting that Old Man of the Sea off my back, where he has
    been roosting more than a year and a half.
I said, “If one death is more painful than another, let me experience it if I don’t do that thing.”

So I took the 288 pages to Bliss and told him that this was the very last line I would ever write in this book (a book that required 600 pages of manuscript, and I have written nearly four thousand, from start to finish).

I feel as giddy (and unpredictable) as a rocket today, with the indescribable joy of getting that Old Man of the Sea off my back, where he has been hanging out for more than a year and a half.

They remained a month at Elmira, and on their return Clemens renewed work on 'The Prince and the Pauper'. He reported to Howells that if he never sold a copy his jubilant delight in writing it would suffer no diminution. A week later his enthusiasm had still further increased:

They stayed at Elmira for a month, and when they got back, Clemens went back to working on 'The Prince and the Pauper'. He told Howells that even if he never sold a single copy, his joy in writing it wouldn't change at all. A week later, his excitement had grown even more:

    I take so much pleasure in my story that I am loath to hurry, not
    wanting to get it done. Did I ever tell you the plot of it? It
    begins at 9 A.M., January 27, 1547.
    I enjoy my story so much that I’m reluctant to rush through it, not wanting to finish too quickly. Did I ever share the plot with you? It starts at 9 A.M., January 27, 1547.

He follows with a detailed synopsis of his plot, which in this instance he had worked out with unusual completeness—a fact which largely accounts for the unity of the tale. Then he adds:

He continues with a detailed summary of his plot, which in this case he had developed with unusual thoroughness—a detail that significantly explains the coherence of the story. Then he adds:

    My idea is to afford a realizing sense of the exceeding severity of
    the laws of that day by inflicting some of their penalties upon the
    king himself, and allowing him a chance to see the rest of them
    applied to others; all of which is to account for certain mildnesses
    which distinguished Edward VI.'s reign from those that precede it
    and follow it.

    Imagine this fact: I have even fascinated Mrs. Clemens with this
    yarn for youth. My stuff generally gets considerable damning with
    faint praise out of her, but this time it is all the other way. She
    is become the horse-leech's daughter, and my mill doesn't grind fast
    enough to suit her. This is no mean triumph, my dear sir.
    My idea is to highlight how harsh the laws were back then by putting some of their punishments on the king himself, giving him a chance to see how they affect others; this explains some of the leniencies that made Edward VI.'s reign different from those before and after it.

    Consider this: I've even captivated Mrs. Clemens with this tale for young people. Usually, my work receives a lot of lukewarm praise from her, but this time it's the opposite. She's become like a bloodsucker, and my efforts aren't producing results fast enough for her. This is quite an achievement, my dear sir.

He forgot, perhaps, to mention his smaller auditors, but we may believe they were no less eager in their demands for the tale's continuance.

He might have forgotten to mention his younger listeners, but we can assume they were just as eager for the story to keep going.





CXXVI. “A TRAMP ABROAD”

'A Tramp Abroad' came from the presses on the 13th of March, 1880. It had been widely heralded, and there was an advance sale of twenty-five thousand copies. It was of the same general size and outward character as the Innocents, numerously illustrated, and was regarded by its publishers as a satisfactory book.

'A Tramp Abroad' was published on March 13, 1880. It had been heavily advertised, and there was an advance sale of twenty-five thousand copies. It was about the same size and appearance as the Innocents, filled with illustrations, and was considered a successful book by its publishers.

It bore no very striking resemblance to the Innocents on close examination. Its pictures-drawn, for the most part, by a young art student named Brown, whom Clemens had met in Paris—were extraordinarily bad, while the crude engraving process by which they had been reproduced, tended to bring them still further into disrepute. A few drawings by True Williams were better, and those drawn by Clemens himself had a value of their own. The book would have profited had there been more of what the author calls his “works of art.”

It didn’t really look much like the Innocents upon closer inspection. Most of its illustrations were created by a young art student named Brown, whom Clemens had met in Paris, and they were incredibly poor. The rough engraving method used to reproduce them only made things worse. A few drawings by True Williams were better, and the ones drawn by Clemens himself had their own unique value. The book would have benefited from including more of what the author referred to as his “works of art.”

Mark Twain himself had dubious anticipations as to the book's reception.

Mark Twain himself had uncertain expectations about how the book would be received.

But Howells wrote:

But Howells said:

    Well, you are a blessing. You ought to believe in God's goodness,
    since he has bestowed upon the world such a delightful genius as
    yours to lighten its troubles.
    Well, you are a true blessing. You should believe in God's goodness, since He has given the world such a wonderful talent as yours to ease its troubles.

Clemens replied:

Clemens responded:

    Your praises have been the greatest uplift I ever had. When a body
    is not even remotely expecting such things, how the surprise takes
    the breath away! We had been interpreting your stillness to
    melancholy and depression, caused by that book. This is honest.
    Why, everything looks brighter now. A check for untold cash could
    not have made our hearts sing as your letter has done.
    Your praises have been the greatest lift I've ever experienced. When someone isn't even remotely expecting things like that, the surprise is truly breathtaking! We had been reading your silence as sadness and depression because of that book. This is a truth. Honestly, everything feels brighter now. A check for an untold amount of money couldn't make our hearts sing the way your letter has.

A letter from Tauchnitz, proposing to issue an illustrated edition in Germany, besides putting it into his regular series, was an added satisfaction. To be in a Tauchnitz series was of itself a recognition of the book's merit.

A letter from Tauchnitz, suggesting they release an illustrated edition in Germany, along with including it in their regular series, was an extra source of satisfaction. Being part of a Tauchnitz series was, in itself, a sign of the book's value.

To Twichell, Clemens presented a special copy of the Tramp with a personal inscription, which must not be omitted here:

To Twichell, Clemens gave a unique copy of the Tramp with a personal note, which shouldn't be left out here:

    MY DEAR “HARRIS”—NO, I MEAN MY DEAR JOE,—Just imagine it for a
    moment: I was collecting material in Europe during fourteen months
    for a book, and now that the thing is printed I find that you, who
    were with me only a month and a half of the fourteen, are in actual
    presence (not imaginary) in 440 of the 531 pages the book contains!
    Hang it, if you had stayed at home it would have taken me fourteen
    years to get the material. You have saved me an intolerable whole
    world of hated labor, and I'll not forget it, my boy.

    You'll find reminders of things, all along, that happened to us, and
    of others that didn't happen; but you'll remember the spot where
    they were invented. You will see how the imaginary perilous trip up
    the Riffelberg is preposterously expanded. That horse-student is on
    page 192. The “Fremersberg” is neighboring. The Black Forest novel
    is on page 211. I remember when and where we projected that: in the
    leafy glades with the mountain sublimities dozing in the blue haze
    beyond the gorge of Allerheiligen. There's the “new member,” page
    213; the dentist yarn, 223; the true Chamois, 242; at page 248 is a
    pretty long yarn, spun from a mighty brief text meeting, for a
    moment, that pretty girl who knew me and whom I had forgotten; at
    281 is “Harris,” and should have been so entitled, but Bliss has
    made a mistake and turned you into some other character; 305 brings
    back the whole Rigi tramp to me at a glance; at 185 and 186 are
    specimens of my art; and the frontispiece is the combination which I
    made by pasting one familiar picture over the lower half of an
    equally familiar one. This fine work being worthy of Titian, I have
    shed the credit of it upon him. Well, you'll find more reminders of
    things scattered through here than are printed, or could have been
    printed, in many books.

    All the “legends of the Neckar,” which I invented for that unstoried
    region, are here; one is in the Appendix. The steel portrait of me
    is just about perfect.

    We had a mighty good time, Joe, and the six weeks I would dearly
    like to repeat any time; but the rest of the fourteen months-never.
    With love,
                            Yours, MARK.

    Hartford, March 16, 1880.
    MY DEAR “HARRIS”—NO, I MEAN MY DEAR JOE—Just think about it for a moment: I spent fourteen months collecting material in Europe for a book, and now that it’s printed, I find that you, who were only with me for a month and a half of those fourteen, are actually present (not just in my imagination) on 440 of the 531 pages of the book! Seriously, if you had stayed home, it would have taken me fourteen years to gather the material. You've saved me an enormous amount of tedious work, and I won't forget it, my friend.

    You’ll find reminders of our experiences throughout, as well as some things that never happened; but you’ll remember the places where they were imagined. You’ll see how the fictional dangerous trip up the Riffelberg is comically exaggerated. The horse-student story is on page 192. The “Fremersberg” is nearby. The Black Forest tale is on page 211. I remember when and where we came up with that: in the leafy groves with the majestic mountains resting in the blue haze beyond the Allerheiligen gorge. There’s the “new member” on page 213; the dentist story on 223; the true Chamois on 242; on page 248 is a pretty long story derived from a very brief encounter with that pretty girl who recognized me and whom I forgot; at 281 is “Harris,” which should have been titled that, but Bliss mistakenly turned you into another character; 305 brings back the whole Rigi adventure to me at a glance; pages 185 and 186 showcase samples of my work; and the frontispiece combines one familiar image with the lower half of another equally familiar one. This wonderful piece, worthy of Titian, I attribute to him. Well, you’ll find more reminders scattered throughout than could be printed in many books.

    All the “legends of the Neckar” that I invented for that unrecorded area are here; one is in the Appendix. The steel portrait of me is pretty much perfect.

    We had a fantastic time, Joe, and I would love to relive those six weeks anytime; but the rest of the fourteen months—never again.
    With love,
                            Yours, MARK.

    Hartford, March 16, 1880.

Possibly Twichell had vague doubts concerning a book of which he was so large a part, and its favorable reception by the critics and the public generally was a great comfort. When the Howells letter was read to him he is reported as having sat with his hands on his knees, his head bent forward—a favorite attitude—repeating at intervals:

Possibly Twichell had some vague doubts about a book he was so heavily involved in, but its positive reception by critics and the public overall brought him great comfort. When the Howells letter was read to him, it’s reported that he sat with his hands on his knees, his head bent forward—a favorite position—repeating at intervals:

“Howells said that, did he? Old Howells said that!”

"Howells really said that, did he? Old Howells actually said that!"

There have been many and varying opinions since then as to the literary merits of 'A Tramp Abroad'. Human tastes differ, and a “mixed” book of this kind invites as many opinions as it has chapters. The word “uneven” pretty safely describes any book of size, but it has a special application to this one. Written under great stress and uncertainty of mind, it could hardly be uniform. It presents Mark Twain at his best, and at his worst. Almost any American writer was better than Mark Twain at his worst: Mark Twain at his best was unapproachable.

There have been many different opinions since then about the literary value of 'A Tramp Abroad'. People have different tastes, and a “mixed” book like this gets as many reactions as it has chapters. The word “uneven” pretty much sums up any lengthy book, but it especially applies here. Written during a time of significant stress and uncertainty, it couldn't possibly be consistent. It showcases Mark Twain at both his best and worst. Almost any American writer seemed better than Mark Twain at his worst, but Mark Twain at his best was unmatched.

It is inevitable that 'A Tramp Abroad' and 'The Innocents Abroad' should be compared, though with hardly the warrant of similarity. The books are as different as was their author at the periods when they were written. 'A Tramp Abroad' is the work of a man who was traveling and observing for the purpose of writing a book, and for no other reason. The Innocents Abroad was written by a man who was reveling in every scene and experience, every new phase and prospect; whose soul was alive to every historic association, and to every humor that a gay party of young sight-seers could find along the way. The note-books of that trip fairly glow with the inspiration of it; those of the later wanderings are mainly filled with brief, terse records, interspersed with satire and denunciation. In the 'Innocents' the writer is the enthusiast with a sense of humor. In the 'Tramp' he has still the sense of humor, but he has become a cynic; restrained, but a cynic none the less. In the 'Innocents' he laughs at delusions and fallacies—and enjoys them. In the 'Tramp' he laughs at human foibles and affectations—and wants to smash them. Very often he does not laugh heartily and sincerely at all, but finds his humor in extravagant burlesque. In later life his gentler laughter, his old, untroubled enjoyment of human weakness, would return, but just now he was in that middle period, when the “damned human race” amused him indeed, though less tenderly. (It seems proper to explain that in applying this term to mankind he did not mean that the race was foredoomed, but rather that it ought to be.)

It’s unavoidable to compare 'A Tramp Abroad' and 'The Innocents Abroad,' even if they’re hardly similar. The books are as different as their author was at the times they were written. 'A Tramp Abroad' is the work of a man who is traveling and observing solely to write a book, without any other motivation. 'The Innocents Abroad' was written by a man who was fully enjoying every scene and experience, every new sight and opportunity; whose spirit was open to every historical connection, and to all the fun a lively group of young travelers could find along the way. The notebooks from that trip are full of inspiration; those from the later journeys are mostly filled with short, direct notes, mixed with satire and criticism. In 'The Innocents,' the writer is an enthusiast with a sense of humor. In 'A Tramp,' he still has that sense of humor, but he has turned into a cynic; restrained, yet a cynic nonetheless. In 'The Innocents,' he laughs at delusions and misconceptions—and enjoys them. In 'A Tramp,' he laughs at human weaknesses and pretensions—and wants to tear them down. Often, he doesn’t laugh genuinely at all, but finds his humor in exaggerated mockery. Later in life, his softer laughter and his old, carefree enjoyment of human flaws would return, but for now, he was in that middle phase, where the “damned human race” amused him indeed, though with less kindness. (It’s worth noting that when he used this term for humanity, he didn’t mean it was doomed, but rather that it ought to be.)

Reading the 'Innocents', the conviction grows that, with all its faults, it is literature from beginning to end. Reading the 'Tramp', the suspicion arises that, regardless of technical improvement, its percentage of literature is not large. Yet, as noted in an earlier volume, so eminent a critic as Brander Matthews has pronounced in its favor, and he undoubtedly had a numerous following; Howells expressed his delight in the book at the time of its issue, though one wonders how far the personal element entered into his enjoyment, and what would be his final decision if he read the two books side by side to-day. He reviewed 'A Tramp Abroad' adequately and finely in the Atlantic, and justly; for on the whole it is a vastly entertaining book, and he did not overpraise it.

Reading the 'Innocents', you can't help but feel that, despite its flaws, it’s literature through and through. On the other hand, reading the 'Tramp', you start to think that, even with technical improvements, it doesn’t really have much literary value. However, as mentioned in an earlier volume, a respected critic like Brander Matthews has spoken positively about it, and he certainly had a large following; Howells showed his enthusiasm for the book when it was released, though it makes you wonder how much his personal feelings influenced his enjoyment and what he would think if he read the two books side by side today. He reviewed 'A Tramp Abroad' quite well in the Atlantic, and rightly so; overall, it’s a very entertaining book, and he didn’t give it undue praise.

'A Tramp Abroad' had an “Introduction” in the manuscript, a pleasant word to the reader but not a necessary one, and eventually it was omitted. Fortunately the appendix remained. Beyond question it contains some of the very best things in the book. The descriptions of the German Portier and the German newspaper are happy enough, and the essay on the awful German language is one of Mark Twain's supreme bits of humor. It is Mark Twain at his best; Mark Twain in a field where he had no rival, the field of good-natured, sincere fun-making-ridicule of the manifest absurdities of some national custom or institution which the nation itself could enjoy, while the individual suffered no wound. The present Emperor of Germany is said to find comfort in this essay on his national speech when all other amusements fail. It is delicious beyond words to express; it is unique.

'A Tramp Abroad' had an “Introduction” in the manuscript, a nice touch for the reader but not really necessary, so it was eventually removed. Thankfully, the appendix stayed. Without a doubt, it includes some of the best parts of the book. The descriptions of the German concierge and the German newspaper are quite charming, and the essay on the terrible German language is one of Mark Twain's top humorous pieces. It showcases Mark Twain at his best; he was unmatched in his ability to create lighthearted and genuine fun by poking fun at the obvious absurdities of certain national customs or institutions, while still allowing the nation to enjoy it without individuals getting hurt. The current Emperor of Germany is said to find solace in this essay about his national language when all other entertainment fails. It’s beyond delightful; it’s one of a kind.

In the body of the book there are also many delights. The description of the ant might rank next to the German language almost in its humor, and the meeting with the unrecognized girl at Lucerne has a lively charm.

In the book, there are many enjoyable moments. The description of the ant could almost match the humor found in the German language, and the encounter with the unknown girl in Lucerne has a vibrant charm.

Of the serious matter, some of the word-pictures are flawless in their beauty; this, for instance, suggested by the view of the Jungfrau from Interlaken:

Of the serious matter, some of the descriptions are perfect in their beauty; this, for instance, inspired by the view of the Jungfrau from Interlaken:

    There was something subduing in the influence of that silent and
    solemn and awful presence; one seemed to meet the immutable, the
    indestructible, the eternal, face to face, and to feel the trivial
    and fleeting nature of his own existence the more sharply by the
    contrast. One had the sense of being under the brooding
    contemplation of a spirit, not an inert mass of rocks and ice—a
    spirit which had looked down, through the slow drift of ages, upon a
    million vanished races of men and judged them; and would judge a
    million more—and still be there, watching unchanged and
    unchangeable, after all life should be gone and the earth have
    become a vacant desolation

    While I was feeling these things, I was groping, without knowing it,
    toward an understanding of what the spell is which people find in
    the Alps, and in no other mountains; that strange, deep, nameless
    influence which, once felt, cannot be forgotten; once felt, leaves
    always behind it a restless longing to feel it again—a longing
    which is like homesickness; a grieving, haunting yearning, which
    will plead, implore, and persecute till it has its will. I met
    dozens of people, imaginative and unimaginative, cultivated and
    uncultivated, who had come from far countries and roamed through the
    Swiss Alps year after year—they could not explain why. They had
    come first, they said, out of idle curiosity, because everybody
    talked about it; they had come since because they could not help it,
    and they should keep on coming, while they lived, for the same
    reason; they had tried to break their chains and stay away, but it
    was futile; now they had no desire to break them. Others came
    nearer formulating what they felt; they said they could find perfect
    rest and peace nowhere else when they were troubled: all frets and
    worries and chafings sank to sleep in the presence of the benignant
    serenity of the Alps; the Great Spirit of the mountain breathed his
    own peace upon their hurt minds and sore hearts, and healed them;
    they could not think base thoughts or do mean and sordid things
    here, before the visible throne of God.
There was something calming about the influence of that quiet, solemn, and awe-inspiring presence; it felt like facing the unchanging, the indestructible, the eternal, and it highlighted just how trivial and fleeting one's own existence was by contrast. One felt like being under the watchful gaze of a spirit, not just a lifeless mass of rocks and ice—a spirit that had looked down through the slow passage of time on countless vanished human races, judging them, and would continue to judge countless more—and would still be there, observing, unchanged and unchangeable, long after all life had disappeared and the earth had turned into a barren wasteland.

While I was reflecting on these feelings, I was unknowingly moving toward understanding the unique spell people find in the Alps, a feeling unlike any other mountains; that strange, deep, indescribable influence that, once experienced, can't be forgotten and always leaves behind a restless longing to feel it again—a longing akin to homesickness; a grieving, haunting desire that will plead, implore, and haunt until it gets what it wants. I met dozens of people, imaginative and not, educated and uneducated, who had traveled from far away and explored the Swiss Alps year after year—they couldn't explain why. They first came out of idle curiosity because everyone was talking about it; they kept coming because they couldn't help it, and they would keep coming for the same reason as long as they lived. They had tried to break free and stay away, but it was pointless; now they didn’t even want to break that connection. Others got closer to articulating their feelings; they said they couldn’t find true rest and peace anywhere else when they were troubled: all their worries and frustrations faded away in the comforting calm of the Alps; the Great Spirit of the mountains breathed its peace onto their troubled minds and aching hearts, healing them; they couldn’t think mean thoughts or do lowly things here, in front of the visible throne of God.

Indeed, all the serious matter in the book is good. The reader's chief regret is likely to be that there is not more of it. The main difficulty with the humor is that it seems overdone. It is likely to be carried too far, and continued too long. The ascent of Riffelberg is an example. Though spotted with delights it seems, to one reader at least, less admirable than other of the book's important features, striking, as it does, more emphatically the chief note of the book's humor—that is to say, exaggeration.

Indeed, all the serious content in the book is good. The reader's main regret is probably that there isn't more of it. The main issue with the humor is that it feels overdone. It often goes too far and lasts too long. The climb up Riffelberg is an example. While it has its enjoyable moments, it seems, to at least one reader, less impressive than other key aspects of the book, emphasizing, as it does, the main aspect of the book's humor—that is, exaggeration.

Without doubt there must be many—very many—who agree in finding a fuller enjoyment in 'A Tramp Abroad' than in the 'Innocents'; only, the burden of the world's opinion lies the other way. The world has a weakness for its illusions: the splendor that falls on castle walls, the glory of the hills at evening, the pathos of the days that are no more. It answers to tenderness, even on the page of humor, and to genuine enthusiasm, sharply sensing the lack of these things; instinctively resenting, even when most amused by it, extravagance and burlesque. The Innocents Abroad is more soul-satisfying than its successor, more poetic; more sentimental, if you will. The Tramp contains better English usage, without doubt, but it is less full of happiness and bloom and the halo of romance. The heart of the world has felt this, and has demanded the book in fewer numbers.—[The sales of the Innocents during the earlier years more than doubled those of the Tramp during a similar period. The later ratio of popularity is more nearly three to one. It has been repeatedly stated that in England the Tramp has the greater popularity, an assertion not sustained by the publisher's accountings.]

Without a doubt, there are many—very many—who find more enjoyment in 'A Tramp Abroad' than in 'The Innocents'; however, the weight of public opinion is the other way. The world has a fondness for its illusions: the beauty that shines on castle walls, the glory of the hills at sunset, the nostalgia for days gone by. It responds to tenderness, even in humorous writing, and to genuine enthusiasm, quickly sensing when those qualities are missing; it instinctively pushes back against extravagance and parody, even when it’s entertained by them. 'The Innocents Abroad' is more fulfilling than its follow-up, more poetic; more sentimental, if that’s what you want to call it. 'The Tramp' has better use of language, without a doubt, but it’s less filled with joy, vibrancy, and a sense of romance. The heart of the public recognizes this and has demanded the book in smaller quantities.—[The sales of 'The Innocents' in the early years more than doubled those of 'The Tramp' during a similar time frame. The later popularity ratio is closer to three to one. It has often been said that in England, 'The Tramp' is more popular, a claim not supported by the publisher's records.]





CXXVII. LETTERS, TALES, AND PLANS

The reader has not failed to remark the great number of letters which Samuel Clemens wrote to his friend William Dean Howells; yet comparatively few can even be mentioned. He was always writing to Howells, on every subject under the sun; whatever came into his mind—business, literature, personal affairs—he must write about it to Howells. Once, when nothing better occurred, he sent him a series of telegrams, each a stanza from an old hymn, possibly thinking they might carry comfort.—[“Clemens had then and for many years the habit of writing to me about what he was doing, and still more of what he was experiencing. Nothing struck his imagination, in or out of the daily routine, but he wished to write me of it, and he wrote with the greatest fullness and a lavish dramatization, sometimes to the length of twenty or forty pages:” (My Mark Twain, by W. D. Howells.)] Whatever of picturesque happened in the household he immediately set it down for Howells's entertainment. Some of these domestic incidents carry the flavor of his best humor. Once he wrote:

The reader has certainly noticed the large number of letters that Samuel Clemens wrote to his friend William Dean Howells; yet only a few can even be mentioned. He was always writing to Howells about every topic imaginable; whatever popped into his head—business, literature, personal matters—he felt the need to share it with Howells. Once, when there was nothing better to say, he sent him a series of telegrams, each one a stanza from an old hymn, possibly thinking they might bring some comfort.—[“Clemens had then and for many years the habit of writing to me about what he was doing, and even more about what he was experiencing. Nothing that caught his imagination, in or out of the daily routine, escaped him; he wanted to write to me about it, and he wrote with great detail and dramatic flair, sometimes extending to twenty or forty pages:” (My Mark Twain, by W. D. Howells.)] Whatever interesting event occurred in the household was immediately documented for Howells’s entertainment. Some of these domestic anecdotes carry the essence of his best humor. Once he wrote:

    Last night, when I went to bed, Mrs. Clemens said, “George didn't
    take the cat down to the cellar; Rosa says he has left it shut up in
    the conservatory.” So I went down to attend to Abner (the cat).
    About three in the morning Mrs. C. woke me and said, “I do believe
    I hear that cat in the drawing-room. What did you do with him?” I
    answered with the confidence of a man who has managed to do the
    right thing for once, and said, “I opened the conservatory doors,
    took the library off the alarm, and spread everything open, so that
    there wasn't any obstruction between him and the cellar.” Language
    wasn't capable of conveying this woman's disgust. But the sense of
    what she said was, “He couldn't have done any harm in the
    conservatory; so you must go and make the entire house free to him
    and the burglars, imagining that he will prefer the coal-bins to the
    drawing-room. If you had had Mr. Howells to help you I should have
    admired, but not have been astonished, because I should know that
    together you would be equal to it; but how you managed to contrive
    such a stately blunder all by yourself is what I cannot understand.”

    So, you see, even she knows how to appreciate our gifts....

    I knocked off during these stirring hours, and don't intend to go to
    work again till we go away for the summer, four or six weeks hence.
    So I am writing to you, not because I have anything to say, but
    because you don't have to answer and I need something to do this
    afternoon.

    The rightful earl has——
              Friday, 7th.

    Well, never mind about the rightful earl; he merely wanted to-borrow
    money. I never knew an American earl that didn't.
Last night, when I went to bed, Mrs. Clemens said, “George didn't take the cat down to the basement; Rosa says he left it locked in the conservatory.” So I went downstairs to check on Abner (the cat). Around three in the morning, Mrs. C. woke me up and said, “I think I hear that cat in the living room. What did you do with him?” I replied with the confidence of someone who had actually done the right thing for once, and said, “I opened the conservatory doors, took the library off the alarm, and made sure everything was open, so there wasn’t anything blocking him from getting to the basement.” Words couldn't express this woman's disgust. But the essence of what she said was, “He couldn't have done any harm in the conservatory; so you must go and make the entire house accessible to him and the burglars, thinking that he will choose the coal bins over the living room. If you had Mr. Howells to help you, I would have admired it but not been shocked, because I would know that together you could handle it; but how you managed to pull off such a grand mistake all on your own is beyond me.”

So, you see, even she knows how to appreciate our talents...

I took a break during these hectic times and don’t plan to work again until we leave for the summer, in four to six weeks. So I'm writing to you, not because I have anything to share, but because you don’t have to reply and I need something to do this afternoon.

The rightful earl has—
              Friday, 7th.

Well, never mind about the rightful earl; he just wanted to borrow money. I’ve never met an American earl who didn’t.

After a trip to Boston, during which Mrs. Clemens did some bric-a-brac shopping, he wrote:

After a trip to Boston, where Mrs. Clemens went shopping for knick-knacks, he wrote:

    Mrs. Clemens has two imperishable topics now: the museum of andirons
    which she collected and your dinner. It is hard to tell which she
    admires the most. Sometimes she leans one way and sometimes the
    other; but I lean pretty steadily toward the dinner because I can
    appreciate that, whereas I am no prophet in andirons. There has
    been a procession of Adams Express wagons filing before the door all
    day delivering andirons.
    Mrs. Clemens has two timeless topics now: the collection of andirons she put together and your dinner. It's tough to say which one she values more. Sometimes she favors one and sometimes the other; but I tend to lean more towards the dinner because I can appreciate that, while I'm not an expert in andirons. There has been a steady stream of Adams Express trucks showing up at the door all day, delivering andirons.

In a more serious vein he refers to the aged violinist Ole Bull and his wife, whom they had met during their visit, and their enjoyment of that gentle-hearted pair.

In a more serious tone, he mentions the elderly violinist Ole Bull and his wife, whom they had met during their visit, and their appreciation for that kind-hearted couple.

Clemens did some shorter work that spring, most of which found its way into the Atlantic. “Edward Mills and George Benton,” one of the contributions of this time, is a moral sermon in its presentation of a pitiful human spectacle and misdirected human zeal.

Clemens did some shorter pieces that spring, and most of them were published in the Atlantic. “Edward Mills and George Benton,” one of his contributions during this period, is a moral lesson in how it portrays a sad human situation and misplaced human energy.

It brought a pack of letters of approval, not only from laity, but the church, and in some measure may have helped to destroy the silly sentimentalism which manifested itself in making heroes of spectacular criminals. That fashion has gone out, largely. Mark Twain wrote frequently on the subject, though never more effectively than in this particular instance. “Mrs. McWilliams and the Lightning” was another Atlantic story, a companion piece to “Mrs. McWilliams's Experience with the Membranous Croup,” and in the same delightful vein—a vein in which Mark Twain was likely to be at his best—the transcription of a scene not so far removed in character from that in the “cat” letter just quoted: something which may or may not have happened, but might have happened, approximately as set down. Rose Terry Cooke wrote:

It included a bunch of letters of approval, not just from regular people, but also from the church, and it may have helped to diminish the ridiculous sentimentality that turned spectacular criminals into heroes. That trend has mostly faded away. Mark Twain often wrote about this topic, but he never did it more effectively than in this particular case. “Mrs. McWilliams and the Lightning” was another Atlantic story, a companion piece to “Mrs. McWilliams's Experience with the Membranous Croup,” and it followed the same charming style—a style in which Mark Twain was likely at his best—the transcription of a scene not too different in nature from that in the “cat” letter just mentioned: something that may or may not have really happened, but could have happened, roughly as described. Rose Terry Cooke wrote:

    Horrid man, how did you know the way I behave in a thunderstorm?
    Have you been secreted in the closet or lurking on the shed roof?
    I hope you got thoroughly rained on; and worst of all is that you
    made me laugh at myself; my real terrors turned round and grimaced
    at me: they were sublime, and you have made them ridiculous. Just
    come out here another year and have four houses within a few rods of
    you struck and then see if you write an article of such exasperating
    levity. I really hate you, but you are funny.
    Horrible man, how did you know how I act during a thunderstorm?  
    Have you been hiding in the closet or hanging out on the shed roof?  
    I hope you got completely soaked; and worst of all, you made me laugh at myself; my real fears turned around and grinned at me: they were impressive, and you’ve made them silly. Just come out here next year and have four houses within a few yards of you hit, and then see if you can write something so frustratingly lighthearted. I really can’t stand you, but you are amusing.

In addition to his own work, he conceived a plan for Orion. Clemens himself had been attempting, from time to time, an absolutely faithful autobiography; a document in which his deeds and misdeeds, even his moods and inmost thoughts, should be truly set down. He had found it an impossible task. He confessed freely that he lacked the courage, even the actual ability, to pen the words that would lay his soul bare, but he believed Orion equal to the task. He knew how rigidly honest he was, how ready to confess his shortcomings, how eager to be employed at some literary occupation. It was Mark Twain's belief that if Orion would record in detail his long, weary struggle, his succession of attempts and failures, his past dreams and disappointments, along with his sins of omission and commission, it would make one of those priceless human documents such as have been left by Benvenuto Cellini, Cazenova, and Rousseau.

Alongside his own work, he came up with a plan for Orion. Clemens had been trying, off and on, to write a completely honest autobiography—a document where his actions, mistakes, feelings, and deepest thoughts would be truthfully recorded. He found it to be an impossible task. He openly admitted that he didn’t have the courage, or even the ability, to write the words that would reveal his soul, but he believed Orion could handle it. He knew how strictly honest Orion was, how willing he was to admit his flaws, and how eager he was to engage in some literary work. Mark Twain believed that if Orion detailed his long, exhausting struggles, his series of attempts and failures, his past dreams and letdowns, along with his sins of omission and commission, it would create one of those invaluable human documents like those left by Benvenuto Cellini, Casanova, and Rousseau.

“Simply tell your story to yourself,” he wrote, “laying all hideousness utterly bare, reserving nothing. Banish the idea of the audience and all hampering things.”

“Just tell your story to yourself,” he wrote, “exposing all ugliness completely, holding back nothing. Dismiss the thought of an audience and everything that holds you back.”

Orion, out in Keokuk, had long since abandoned the chicken farm and a variety of other enterprises. He had prospected insurance, mining, journalism, his old trade of printing, and had taken down and hung up his law shingle between each of these seizures. Aside from business, too, he had been having a rather spectacular experience. He had changed his politics three times (twice in one day), and his religion as many more. Once when he was delivering a political harangue in the street, at night, a parade of the opposition (he had but just abandoned them) marched by carrying certain flaming transparencies, which he himself had made for them the day before. Finally, after delivering a series of infidel lectures; he had been excommunicated and condemned to eternal flames by the Presbyterian Church. He was therefore ripe for any new diversion, and the Autobiography appealed to him. He set about it with splendid enthusiasm, wrote a hundred pages or so of his childhood with a startling minutia of detail and frankness, and mailed them to his brother for inspection.

Orion, out in Keokuk, had long since left behind the chicken farm and a bunch of other businesses. He had tried his hand at insurance, mining, journalism, and his old job in printing, and he had taken down and put up his law shingle in between each of these ventures. Beyond work, though, he had been having quite an adventurous time. He had changed his political views three times (twice in one day) and his religion just as often. Once, while he was giving a political speech in the street at night, a parade from the opposing side (which he had just left) passed by, holding up some flaming signs that he had made for them the day before. Finally, after delivering a series of controversial lectures, he was excommunicated and condemned to eternal damnation by the Presbyterian Church. Because of this, he was open to any new distraction, and the Autobiography caught his interest. He dove into it with great excitement, wrote about a hundred pages of his childhood with an astonishing level of detail and honesty, and sent them to his brother for feedback.

They were all that Mark Twain had expected; more than he had expected. He forwarded them to Howells with great satisfaction, suggesting, with certain excisions, they be offered anonymously to the Atlantic readers.

They were everything Mark Twain had hoped for; even more than he had hoped for. He sent them to Howells with great satisfaction, suggesting that, with some edits, they be offered anonymously to the Atlantic readers.

But Howells's taste for realism had its limitations. He found the story interesting—indeed, torturingly, heart-wringingly so—and, advising strongly against its publication, returned it.

But Howells's appreciation for realism had its limits. He found the story interesting—truly, painfully so—and, strongly recommending against its publication, sent it back.

Orion was steaming along at the rate of ten to twenty pages a day now, forwarding them as fast as written, while his courage was good and the fires warm. Clemens, receiving a package by every morning mail, soon lost interest, then developed a hunted feeling, becoming finally desperate. He wrote wildly to shut Orion off, urging him to let his manuscript accumulate, and to send it in one large consignment at the end. This Orion did, and it is fair to say that in this instance at least he stuck to his work faithfully to the bitter, disheartening end. And it would have been all that Mark Twain had dreamed it would be, had Orion maintained the simple narrative spirit of its early pages. But he drifted off into theological byways; into discussions of his excommunication and infidelities, which were frank enough, but lacked human interest.

Orion was churning out ten to twenty pages a day now, sending them over as quickly as he wrote them, while his confidence was high and the fires were warm. Clemens, getting a package in the morning mail every day, soon lost interest and started feeling anxious, ultimately becoming desperate. He wrote frantically to get Orion to stop sending them, urging him to let the manuscript build up and send it all at once at the end. Orion did exactly that, and it's fair to say that in this case at least, he stuck to his work faithfully until the tough, disappointing end. It could have been everything Mark Twain had hoped for if Orion had kept the straightforward narrative vibe from the early pages. But he wandered off into theological tangents; he discussed his excommunication and infidelities, which were open enough but lacked any real human interest.

In old age Mark Twain once referred to Orion's autobiography in print and his own disappointment in it, which he attributed to Orion's having departed from the idea of frank and unrestricted confession to exalt himself as a hero-a statement altogether unwarranted, and due to one of those curious confusions of memory and imagination that more than once resulted in a complete reversal of the facts. A quantity of Orion's manuscript has been lost and destroyed, but enough fragments of it remain to show its fidelity to the original plan. It is just one long record of fleeting hope, futile effort, and humiliation. It is the story of a life of disappointment; of a man who has been defeated and beaten down and crushed by the world until he has nothing but confession left to surrender.—[Howells, in his letter concerning the opening chapters, said that they would some day make good material. Fortunately the earliest of these chapters were preserved, and, as the reader may remember, furnished much of the childhood details for this biography.]

In his later years, Mark Twain mentioned Orion's autobiography and expressed his disappointment with it. He believed Orion strayed from the idea of honest and open confession to portray himself as a hero—an assertion that was completely unfounded, stemming from one of those odd mix-ups between memory and imagination that often led to a total twist of the facts. A significant portion of Orion's manuscript has been lost and destroyed, but enough fragments still exist to demonstrate its loyalty to the original vision. It reads as a long account of fleeting hope, fruitless effort, and humiliation. It tells the story of a life full of disappointments; of a man who has been defeated, pushed down, and crushed by the world until he has nothing left but confession to offer.—[Howells, in his letter about the early chapters, noted that they would eventually make excellent material. Luckily, the earliest of these chapters were preserved and, as readers may recall, provided much of the childhood details for this biography.]

Whatever may have been Mark Twain's later impression of his brother's manuscript, its story of failure and disappointment moved him to definite action at the time.

Whatever Mark Twain thought of his brother's manuscript later, its story of failure and disappointment inspired him to take action at the time.

Several years before, in Hartford, Orion had urged him to make his publishing contracts on a basis of half profits, instead of on the royalty plan. Clemens, remembering this, had insisted on such an arrangement for the publication of 'A Tramp Abroad', and when his first statement came in he realized that the new contract was very largely to his advantage. He remembered Orion's anxiety in the matter, and made it now a valid excuse for placing his brother on a firm financial footing.

Several years earlier, in Hartford, Orion had encouraged him to base his publishing contracts on half of the profits instead of the royalty system. Clemens, recalling this, insisted on that arrangement for the publication of 'A Tramp Abroad', and when his first statement arrived, he realized that the new contract was significantly in his favor. He remembered Orion's worries about this issue and used it as a valid reason to help his brother achieve financial stability.

      Out of the suspicions which you bred in me years ago has grown this
      result, to wit: that I shall within the twelve months get $40,000 out of
      this Tramp, instead of $20,000. $20,000, after taxes and other expenses
      are stripped away, is worth to the investor about $75 a month, so I shall
      tell Mr. Perkins [his lawyer and financial agent] to make your check that
      amount per month hereafter.... This ends the loan business, and hereafter
      you can reflect that you are living not on borrowed money, but on money
      which you have squarely earned, and which has no taint or savor of charity
      about it, and you can also reflect that the money which you have been
      receiving of me is charged against the heavy bill which the next publisher
      will have to stand who gets a book of mine.
    
Out of the suspicions you planted in me years ago has come this outcome: I expect to make $40,000 from this Tramp within the next twelve months, instead of just $20,000. After taxes and other expenses, $20,000 is worth about $75 a month to the investor, so I’ll tell Mr. Perkins [his lawyer and financial agent] to issue your check for that amount every month from now on. This concludes the loan arrangement, and you can now realize that you are living not on borrowed money, but on money that you have genuinely earned, free from any hint of charity. You can also consider that the money you’ve been receiving from me is deducted from the substantial bill that the next publisher will face when they acquire one of my books.

From that time forward Orion Clemens was worth substantially twenty thousand dollars—till the day of his death, and, after him, his widow. Far better was it for him that the endowment be conferred in the form of an income, than had the capital amount been placed in his hands.

From that point on, Orion Clemens was valued at around twenty thousand dollars—up until his death, and then for his widow afterwards. It was much better for him that the funds were given as an income, rather than having the total amount handed to him.





CXXVIII. MARK TWAIN's ABSENT-MINDEDNESS.

A number of amusing incidents have been more or less accurately reported concerning Mark Twain's dim perception of certain physical surroundings, and his vague resulting memories—his absent-mindedness, as we say.

Several funny incidents have been reported, more or less accurately, about Mark Twain's poor awareness of his physical surroundings and his resulting fuzzy memories—what we call absent-mindedness.

It was not that he was inattentive—no man was ever less so if the subject interested him—but only that the casual, incidental thing seemed not to find a fixed place in his deeper consciousness.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t paying attention—no one was ever more engaged when the topic caught his interest—but rather that the random, trivial details didn’t seem to settle into his deeper awareness.

By no means was Mark Twain's absent-mindedness a development of old age. On the two occasions following he was in the very heyday of his mental strength. Especially was it, when he was engaged upon some absorbing or difficult piece of literature, that his mind seemed to fold up and shut most of the world away. Soon after his return from Europe, when he was still struggling with 'A Tramp Abroad', he wearily put the manuscript aside, one day, and set out to invite F. G. Whitmore over for a game of billiards. Whitmore lived only a little way down the street, and Clemens had been there time and again. It was such a brief distance that he started out in his slippers and with no hat. But when he reached the corner where the house, a stone's-throw away, was in plain view he stopped. He did not recognize it. It was unchanged, but its outlines had left no impress upon his mind. He stood there uncertainly a little while, then returned and got the coachman, Patrick McAleer, to show him the way.

By no means was Mark Twain's absent-mindedness a result of aging. On the two occasions mentioned, he was at the height of his mental capabilities. Especially when he was working on some intense or challenging piece of writing, his mind seemed to close off the rest of the world. Shortly after returning from Europe, while he was still grappling with 'A Tramp Abroad', he tiredly set the manuscript aside one day and went out to invite F. G. Whitmore over for a game of billiards. Whitmore lived just a short walk down the street, and Clemens had been there many times before. It was such a close distance that he left in his slippers and without a hat. But when he got to the corner where the house, only a stone's throw away, was clearly visible, he stopped. He didn’t recognize it. It looked the same, but its features hadn't registered in his mind. He stood there for a moment, uncertain, then went back and asked the coachman, Patrick McAleer, to show him the way.

The second, and still more picturesque instance, belongs also to this period. One day, when he was playing billiards with Whitmore, George, the butler, came up with a card.

The second, and even more colorful example, also comes from this period. One day, while he was playing billiards with Whitmore, George, the butler, approached with a card.

“Who is he, George?” Clemens asked, without looking at the card.

“Who is he, George?” Clemens asked, not looking at the card.

“I don't know, suh, but he's a gentleman, Mr. Clemens.”

“I don’t know, sir, but he’s a gentleman, Mr. Clemens.”

“Now, George, how many times have I told you I don't want to see strangers when I'm playing billiards! This is just some book agent, or insurance man, or somebody with something to sell. I don't want to see him, and I'm not going to.”

“Now, George, how many times have I told you I don't want to see strangers when I'm playing pool! This is just some book agent, or insurance guy, or someone trying to sell something. I don't want to see him, and I'm not going to.”

“Oh, but this is a gentleman, I'm sure, Mr. Clemens. Just look at his card, suh.”

“Oh, but this is a gentleman, I'm sure, Mr. Clemens. Just look at his card, sir.”

“Yes, of course, I see—nice engraved card—but I don't know him, and if it was St. Peter himself I wouldn't buy the key of salvation! You tell him so—tell him—oh, well, I suppose I've got to go and get rid of him myself. I'll be back in a minute, Whitmore.”

“Yes, I get it—great engraved card—but I don't know him, and even if it were St. Peter himself, I wouldn't buy the key to salvation! You can tell him that—just tell him—oh, I guess I have to go and take care of this myself. I'll be back in a minute, Whitmore.”

He ran down the stairs, and as he got near the parlor door, which stood open, he saw a man sitting on a couch with what seemed to be some framed water-color pictures on the floor near his feet.

He hurried down the stairs, and as he approached the parlor door, which was open, he saw a man sitting on a couch with what looked like some framed watercolor pictures on the floor by his feet.

“Ah, ha!” he thought, “I see. A picture agent. I'll soon get rid of him.”

“Ah, ha!” he thought, “I get it. A picture agent. I'll take care of him soon.”

He went in with his best, “Well, what can I do for you?” air, which he, as well as any man living, knew how to assume; a friendly air enough, but not encouraging. The gentleman rose and extended his hand.

He walked in with his best "What can I do for you?" vibe, which he, like any guy out there, knew how to put on; it was friendly enough, but not really inviting. The man stood up and reached out his hand.

“How are you, Mr. Clemens?” he said.

“How's it going, Mr. Clemens?” he said.

Of course this was the usual thing with men who had axes to grind or goods to sell. Clemens did not extend a very cordial hand. He merely raised a loose, indifferent hand—a discouraging hand.

Of course, this was typical for men who had their own agendas or products to promote. Clemens didn't offer a friendly greeting. He just raised a casual, uninterested hand—a disheartening gesture.

“And how is Mrs. Clemens?” asked the uninvited guest.

“And how is Mrs. Clemens?” asked the unexpected visitor.

So this was his game. He would show an interest in the family and ingratiate himself in that way; he would be asking after the children next.

So this was his plan. He would take an interest in the family and win them over that way; he would next be asking about the kids.

“Well—Mrs. Clemens is about as usual—I believe.”

“Well, Mrs. Clemens is pretty much the same as always, I think.”

“And the children—Miss Susie and little Clara?”

“And the kids—Miss Susie and little Clara?”

This was a bit startling. He knew their names! Still, that was easy to find out. He was a smart agent, wonderfully smart. He must be got rid of.

This was rather surprising. He knew their names! But then again, that was easy to discover. He was a clever agent, really clever. He had to be dealt with.

“The children are well, quite well,” and (pointing down at the pictures)—“We've got plenty like these. We don't want any more. No, we don't care for any more,” skilfully working his visitor toward the door as he talked.

“The kids are doing well, really well,” and (pointing down at the pictures)—“We have plenty like these. We don’t want any more. No, we’re not interested in any more,” skillfully guiding his guest toward the door as he spoke.

The man, looking non-plussed—a good deal puzzled—allowed himself to be talked into the hall and toward the front door. Here he paused a moment:

The man, looking confused—a bit puzzled—let himself be led into the hall and toward the front door. Here he paused for a moment:

“Mr. Clemens, will you tell me where Mr. Charles Dudley Warner lives?”

“Mr. Clemens, can you tell me where Mr. Charles Dudley Warner lives?”

This was the chance! He would work him off on Charlie Warner. Perhaps Warner needed pictures.

This was the opportunity! He would pass him off to Charlie Warner. Maybe Warner needed some photos.

“Oh, certainly, certainly! Right across the yard. I'll show you. There's a walk right through. You don't need to go around the front way at all. You'll find him at home, too, I'm pretty sure”; all the time working his caller out and down the step and in the right direction.

“Oh, definitely, definitely! Just right across the yard. I'll show you. There's a path that goes straight through. You don't have to go around the front at all. I'm pretty sure you'll find him at home, too,” he said while helping his caller figure out how to get down the step and pointed in the right direction.

The visitor again extended his hand.

The visitor reached out his hand again.

“Please remember me to Mrs. Clemens and the children.”

"Please say hi to Mrs. Clemens and the kids for me."

“Oh, certainly, certainly, with pleasure. Good day. Yes, that's the house Good-by.”

“Oh, of course, of course, I'm happy to help. Have a good day. Yes, that's the house. Goodbye.”

On the way back to the billiard-room Mrs. Clemens called to him. She was ill that day.

On the way back to the billiard room, Mrs. Clemens called out to him. She was feeling unwell that day.

“Youth!”

"Young people!"

“Yes, Livy.” He went in for a word.

“Yes, Livy.” He stepped in for a word.

“George brought me Mr. B——'s card. I hope you were very nice to him; the B——s were so nice to us, once last year, when you were gone.”,

“George brought me Mr. B——'s card. I hope you were really nice to him; the B——s were so kind to us last year when you were away.”

“The B——s—Why, Livy——”

“The B——s—Why, Livy——”

“Yes, of course, and I asked him to be sure to call when he came to Hartford.”

“Yes, of course, and I asked him to definitely call when he got to Hartford.”

He gazed at her helplessly.

He looked at her sadly.

“Well, he's been here.”

"Well, he's been around."

“Oh, Youth, have you done anything?”

“Oh, Youth, have you accomplished anything?”

“Yes, of course I have. He seemed to have some pictures to sell, so I sent him over to Warner's. I noticed he didn't take them with him. Land sakes, Livy, what can I do?”

“Yes, of course I have. He seemed to have some pictures to sell, so I sent him over to Warner's. I noticed he didn't take them with him. Goodness, Livy, what can I do?”

“Which way did he go, Youth?”

“Which way did he go, kid?”

“Why, I sent him to Charlie Warner's. I thought——”

“Why, I sent him to Charlie Warner's. I thought——”

“Go right after him. Go quick! Tell him what you have done.”

“Go after him right now. Hurry! Tell him what you did.”

He went without further delay, bareheaded and in his slippers, as usual. Warner and B——were in cheerful and friendly converse. They had met before. Clemens entered gaily:

He went without any delay, bareheaded and in his slippers, as usual. Warner and B——were chatting cheerfully and friendly. They had met before. Clemens entered happily:

“Oh Yes, I see! You found him all right. Charlie, we met Mr. B——and his wife in Europe last summer and they made things pleasant for us. I wanted to come over here with him, but was a good deal occupied just then. Livy isn't very well, but she seems a good deal better, so I just followed along to have a good talk, all together.”

“Oh yes, I see! You found him, huh? Charlie, we met Mr. B—— and his wife in Europe last summer, and they were really nice to us. I wanted to come over here with him, but I was pretty busy at the time. Livy isn't feeling great, but she seems quite a bit better, so I just came along to have a good chat with everyone.”

He stayed an hour, and whatever bad impression had formed in B——'s mind faded long before the hour ended. Returning home Clemens noticed the pictures still on the parlor floor.

He stayed for an hour, and any negative impression that had developed in B——'s mind disappeared long before the hour was up. On his way home, Clemens saw the pictures still on the parlor floor.

“George,” he said, “what pictures are those that gentleman left?”

“George,” he said, “what pictures did that guy leave behind?”

“Why, Mr. Clemens, those are our own pictures. I've been straightening up the room a little, and Mrs. Clemens had me set them around to see how they would look in new places. The gentleman was looking at them while he was waiting for you to come down.”

“Why, Mr. Clemens, those are our own pictures. I've been tidying up the room a bit, and Mrs. Clemens asked me to move them around to see how they would look in new spots. The gentleman was checking them out while he was waiting for you to come down.”





CXXIX. FURTHER AFFAIRS AT THE FARM

It was at Elmira, in July (1880), that the third little girl came—Jane Lampton, for her grandmother, but always called Jean. She was a large, lovely baby, robust and happy. When she had been with them a little more than a month Clemens, writing to Twichell, said:

It was at Elmira, in July 1880, that the third little girl arrived—Jane Lampton, named after her grandmother, but always called Jean. She was a big, beautiful baby, strong and cheerful. After she had been with them for just over a month, Clemens wrote to Twichell, saying:

    DEAR OLD JOE,—Concerning Jean Clemens, if anybody said he “didn't
    see no pints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog,” I
    should think he was convicting himself of being a pretty poor sort
    of observer. She is the comeliest and daintiest and perfectest
    little creature the continents and archipelagos have seen since the
    Bay and Susy were her size. I will not go into details; it is not
    necessary; you will soon be in Hartford, where I have already hired
    a hall; the admission fee will be but a trifle.

    It is curious to note the change in the stock-quotations of the
    Affection Board brought about by throwing this new security on the
    market. Four weeks ago the children still put Mama at the head of
    the list right along, where she had always been. But now:

              Jean
              Mama
              Motley  |cats
              Fraulein |
              Papa

    That is the way it stands now. Mama is become No. 2; I have dropped
    from No. 4, and am become No. 5. Some time ago it used to be nip
    and tuck between me and the cats, but after the cats “developed” I
    didn't stand any more show.

    Been reading Daniel Webster's Private Correspondence. Have read a
    hundred of his diffuse, conceited, “eloquent,” bathotic (or
    bathostic) letters, written in that dim (no, vanished) past, when he
    was a student. And Lord! to think that this boy, who is so real to
    me now, and so booming with fresh young blood and bountiful life,
    and sappy cynicisms about girls, has since climbed the Alps of fame
    and stood against the sun one brief, tremendous moment with the
    world's eyes on him, and then——fzt! where is he? Why, the only
    long thing, the only real thing about the whole shadowy business, is
    the sense of the lagging dull and hoary lapse of time that has
    drifted by since then; a vast, empty level, it seems, with a
    formless specter glimpsed fitfully through the smoke and mist that
    lie along its remote verge.

    Well, we are all getting along here first-rate. Livy gains strength
    daily and sits up a deal; the baby is five weeks old and——But no
    more of this. Somebody may be reading this letter eighty years
    hence. And so, my friend (you pitying snob, I mean, who are holding
    this yellow paper in your hand in 1960), save yourself the trouble
    of looking further. I know how pathetically trivial our small
    concerns would seem to you, and I will not let your eye profane
    them. No, I keep my news; you keep your compassion. Suffice it you
    to know, scoffer and ribald, that the little child is old and blind
    now, and once more tooth less; and the rest of us are shadows these
    many, many years. Yes, and your time cometh!
                                          MARK.
    DEAR OLD JOE,—About Jean Clemens, if anyone said he “didn't see any point about that frog that’s any better than any other frog,” I would think he was admitting he’s not a very good observer. She is the prettiest, daintiest, and most perfect little creature the continents and islands have seen since the Bay and Susy were her age. I won’t go into details; it’s unnecessary; you’ll soon be in Hartford, where I’ve already booked a hall; the entrance fee will be just a small amount.

    It’s interesting to see the shift in the Affection Board’s stock quotes caused by introducing this new member. Four weeks ago, the kids still placed Mama at the top of the list, just like always. But now:

              Jean
              Mama
              Motley  |cats
              Fraulein |
              Papa

    That’s how it stands now. Mama has dropped to No. 2; I’ve gone from No. 4 to No. 5. There used to be a close competition between me and the cats, but after the cats “developed,” I didn’t stand a chance anymore.

    I’ve been reading Daniel Webster’s Private Correspondence. I’ve gone through a hundred of his long-winded, self-important, “eloquent,” bathos-filled letters written in that distant past when he was a student. And wow! to think that this boy, who feels so real to me now, full of youthful energy and overwhelming life, and cynicism about girls, has since reached the heights of fame and stood against the sun for one brief, amazing moment with the world watching him, and then——fzt! where is he now? The only lasting thing, the only real thing about this whole shadowy situation, is the overwhelming sense of the slow, dreary passage of time that has gone by; it seems like a vast, empty stretch, with a formless ghost seen occasionally through the smoke and haze that linger along its distant edge.

    Well, we’re all doing great here. Livy gains strength every day and sits up a lot; the baby is five weeks old and——But no more of this. Someone might read this letter eighty years from now. So, my friend (you pitiful snob, holding this yellow paper in your hand in 1960), save yourself the effort of reading on. I know how pathetically trivial our small worries would seem to you, and I won’t let your eyes desecrate them. No, I’ll keep my news; you keep your pity. Suffice it to say, scoffer and cynic, that the little child is now old and blind, and once again toothless; and the rest of us have been shadows for many, many years. Yes, and your time will come!
                                          MARK.

It is the ageless story. He too had written his youthful letters, and later had climbed the Alps of fame and was still outlined against the sun. Happily, the little child was to evade that harsher penalty—the unwarranted bitterness and affront of a lingering, palsied age.

It’s a timeless story. He had also written his letters in his youth, and later he climbed the peaks of fame and was still silhouetted against the sun. Fortunately, the little child would avoid that harsher price—the unwarranted bitterness and humiliation of a slow, troubled old age.

Mrs. Clemens, in a letter somewhat later, set down a thought similar to his:

Mrs. Clemens, in a later letter, expressed a similar thought:

“We are all going so fast. Pretty soon we shall have been dead a hundred years.”

“We're all moving so quickly. Before we know it, we’ll have been gone a hundred years.”

Clemens varied his work that summer, writing alternately on 'The Prince and the Pauper' and on the story about 'Huck Finn', which he had begun four years earlier.

Clemens mixed up his work that summer, switching between writing 'The Prince and the Pauper' and the story about 'Huck Finn', which he had started four years earlier.

He read the latter over and found in it a new interest. It did not fascinate him, as did the story of the wandering prince. He persevered only as the spirit moved him, piling up pages on both the tales.

He read the latter and discovered a new interest in it. It didn't captivate him like the story of the wandering prince did. He continued only when he felt inspired, stacking up pages from both stories.

He always took a boy's pride in the number of pages he could complete at a sitting, and if the day had gone well he would count them triumphantly, and, lighting a fresh cigar, would come tripping down the long stair that led to the level of the farm-house, and, gathering his audience, would read to them the result of his industry; that is to say, he proceeded with the story of the Prince. Apparently he had not yet acquired confidence or pride enough in poor Huck to exhibit him, even to friends.

He always took pride in how many pages he could finish in one sitting, and if he had a good day, he would count them with excitement. Lighting a new cigar, he would skip down the long stairs that led to the farmhouse level, gather his audience, and share the outcome of his work; specifically, he continued with the story of the Prince. It seemed he still hadn’t built up enough confidence or pride in poor Huck to show him off, even to friends.

The reference (in the letter to Twichell) to the cats at the farm introduces one of the most important features of that idyllic resort. There were always cats at the farm. Mark Twain himself dearly loved cats, and the children inherited this passion. Susy once said:

The mention of the cats in the letter to Twichell highlights one of the key aspects of that beautiful getaway. There were always cats at the farm. Mark Twain himself loved cats dearly, and the kids picked up this love. Susy once said:

“The difference between papa and mama is, that mama loves morals and papa loves cats.”

“The difference between dad and mom is that mom loves morals and dad loves cats.”

The cats did not always remain the same, but some of the same ones remained a good while, and were there from season to season, always welcomed and adored. They were commendable cats, with such names as Fraulein, Blatherskite, Sour Mash, Stray Kit, Sin, and Satan, and when, as happened now and then, a vacancy occurred in the cat census there followed deep sorrow and elaborate ceremonies.

The cats didn't always stay the same, but some of the same ones were around for a long time, season after season, always welcomed and loved. They were remarkable cats, with names like Fraulein, Blatherskite, Sour Mash, Stray Kit, Sin, and Satan, and when, occasionally, there was a gap in the cat population, it brought about deep sadness and elaborate ceremonies.

Naturally, there would be stories about cats: impromptu bedtime stories, which began anywhere and ended nowhere, and continued indefinitely through a land inhabited only by cats and dreams. One of these stories, as remembered and set down later, began:

Naturally, there would be stories about cats: spontaneous bedtime stories that could start anywhere and go on forever, existing in a world filled only with cats and dreams. One of these stories, as remembered and jotted down later, began:

    Once upon a time there was a noble, big cat whose christian name was
    Catasaqua, because she lived in that region; but she didn't have any
    surname, because she was a short-tailed cat, being a manx, and
    didn't need one. It is very just and becoming in a long-tailed cat
    to have a surname, but it would be very ostentatious, and even
    dishonorable, in a manx. Well, Catasaqua had a beautiful family of
    catlings; and they were of different colors, to harmonize with their
    characters. Cattaraugus, the eldest, was white, and he had high
    impulses and a pure heart; Catiline, the youngest, was black, and he
    had a self-seeking nature, his motives were nearly always base, he
    was truculent and insincere. He was vain and foolish, and often
    said that he would rather be what he was, and live like a bandit,
    yet have none above him, than be a cat-o'-nine-tails and eat with
    the king.
Once upon a time, there was a noble big cat named Catasaqua because she lived in that area; she didn't have a last name since she was a Manx, which meant she had a short tail and didn’t need one. It makes sense for a long-tailed cat to have a surname, but it would be very flashy and even dishonorable for a Manx. Catasaqua had a lovely family of kittens, each a different color to match their personalities. Cattaraugus, the oldest, was white and had high ideals and a pure heart; Catiline, the youngest, was black, with a self-serving nature—his motives were usually selfish, he was aggressive and insincere. He was vain and foolish and often claimed he’d rather live as a bandit without anyone above him than be a cat-o'-nine-tails who had to eat with the king.

And so on without end, for the audience was asleep presently and the end could wait.

And so it went on endlessly, because the audience was currently asleep and the end could wait.

There was less enthusiasm over dogs at Quarry Farm.

There was less excitement about dogs at Quarry Farm.

Mark Twain himself had no great love for the canine breed. To a woman who wrote, asking for his opinion on dogs, he said, in part:

Mark Twain himself wasn't particularly fond of dogs. When a woman wrote to him asking for his opinion on them, he replied, in part:

    By what right has the dog come to be regarded as a “noble” animal?
    The more brutal and cruel and unjust you are to him the more your
    fawning and adoring slave he becomes; whereas, if you shamefully
    misuse a cat once she will always maintain a dignified reserve
    toward you afterward—you can never get her full confidence again.
    By what right has the dog come to be seen as a "noble" animal? The more brutal, cruel, and unjust you are to him, the more he becomes your fawning and adoring slave; on the other hand, if you shamefully mistreat a cat once, she will always keep a dignified distance from you afterward—you can never fully regain her trust.

He was not harsh to dogs; occasionally he made friends with them. There was once at the farm a gentle hound, named Bones, that for some reason even won his way into his affections. Bones was always a welcome companion, and when the end of summer came, and Clemens, as was his habit, started down the drive ahead of the carriage, Bones, half-way to the entrance, was waiting for him. Clemens stooped down, put his arms around him, and bade him an affectionate good-by. He always recalled Bones tenderly, and mentioned him in letters to the farm.

He wasn't harsh with dogs; sometimes he even made friends with them. There was once a gentle hound at the farm named Bones, who for some reason managed to win his affection. Bones was always a welcome companion, and when the end of summer came, Clemens, as usual, started down the drive ahead of the carriage, and halfway to the entrance, Bones was waiting for him. Clemens bent down, wrapped his arms around him, and said a warm goodbye. He always remembered Bones fondly and mentioned him in letters to the farm.





CXXX. COPYRIGHT AND OTHER FANCIES

The continued assault of Canadian pirates on his books kept Mark Twain's interest sharply alive on the subject of copyright reform. He invented one scheme after another, but the public-mind was hazy on the subject, and legislators were concerned with purposes that interested a larger number of voters. There were too few authors to be of much value at the polls, and even of those few only a small percentage were vitally concerned. For the others, foreign publishers rarely paid them the compliment of piracy, while at home the copyright limit of forty-two years was about forty-two times as long as they needed protection. Bliss suggested a law making the selling of pirated books a penal offense, a plan with a promising look, but which came to nothing.

The ongoing attacks by Canadian pirates on his books kept Mark Twain's interest in copyright reform strong. He came up with one idea after another, but the public wasn’t really focused on the issue, and lawmakers were more concerned with matters that appealed to a larger number of voters. There were too few authors to make a significant impact at the polls, and even among those, only a small percentage truly cared. For the rest, foreign publishers hardly bothered to steal their work, while at home, the copyright protection of forty-two years was about forty-two times longer than they actually needed. Bliss proposed a law that would make selling pirated books a crime—an idea that seemed promising but ultimately led nowhere.

Clemens wrote to his old friend Rollin M. Daggett, who by this time was a Congressman. Daggett replied that he would be glad to introduce any bill that the authors might agree upon, and Clemens made at least one trip to Washington to discuss the matter, but it came to nothing in the end. It was a Presidential year, and it would do just as well to keep the authors quiet by promising to do something next year. Any legislative stir is never a good thing for a campaign.

Clemens wrote to his old friend Rollin M. Daggett, who was now a Congressman. Daggett responded that he would be happy to introduce any bill the authors could agree on, and Clemens made at least one trip to Washington to discuss it, but ultimately, it led nowhere. It was a presidential election year, and it was just as effective to keep the authors subdued by promising to take action next year. Any legislative activity is never good for a campaign.

Clemens's idea for copyright betterment was not a fixed one. Somewhat later, when an international treaty which would include protection for authors was being discussed, his views had undergone a change. He wrote, asking Howells:

Clemens's idea for improving copyright wasn't set in stone. Later, when there was talk of an international treaty that would protect authors, his perspective had shifted. He wrote to Howells, asking:

    Will the proposed treaty protect us (and effectually) against
    Canadian piracy? Because, if it doesn't, there is not a single
    argument in favor of international copyright which a rational
    American Senate could entertain for a moment. My notions have
    mightily changed lately. I can buy Macaulay's History, three vols.;
    bound, for $1.25; Chambers's Cyclopaedia, ten vols., cloth, for
    $7.25 (we paid $60), and other English copyrights in proportion; I
    can buy a lot of the great copyright classics, in paper, at from
    three cents to thirty cents apiece. These things must find their
    way into the very kitchens and hovels of the country. A generation
    of this sort of thing ought to make this the most intelligent and
    the best-read nation in the world. International copyright must
    becloud this sun and bring on the former darkness and dime novel
    reading.

    Morally this is all wrong; governmentally it is all right. For it
    is the duty of governments and families to be selfish, and look out
    simply for their own. International copyright would benefit a few
    English authors and a lot of American publishers, and be a profound
    detriment to twenty million Americans; it would benefit a dozen
    American authors a few dollars a year, and there an end. The real
    advantages all go to English authors and American publishers.

    And even if the treaty will kill Canadian piracy, and thus save me
    an average of $5,000 a year, I'm down on it anyway, and I'd like
    cussed well to write an article opposing the treaty.
    Will the proposed treaty effectively protect us from Canadian piracy? Because if it doesn't, there's not a single argument in favor of international copyright that any rational American Senate could consider for even a moment. My opinions have changed a lot lately. I can buy Macaulay's History, three volumes, bound, for $1.25; Chambers's Cyclopaedia, ten volumes, cloth, for $7.25 (we paid $60), and other English copyrights at similar rates; I can get many classic copyright works in paper for between three cents and thirty cents each. These books need to reach even the poorest homes in the country. A generation exposed to this kind of literature should make us the most informed and well-read nation in the world. International copyright would overshadow this progress and return us to a time of darkness and dime novel reading.

    Morally, this is completely wrong; from a governmental perspective, it's acceptable. Because it's the responsibility of governments and families to be self-interested and look out for their own. International copyright would benefit a few English authors and a lot of American publishers, while it would deeply harm twenty million Americans; it might help a dozen American authors earn a few dollars a year, and that's about it. The real benefits would primarily go to English authors and American publishers.

    And even if the treaty could eliminate Canadian piracy, potentially saving me an average of $5,000 a year, I’m against it anyway, and I would really like to write an article criticizing the treaty.

It is a characteristic expression. Mark Twain might be first to grab for the life-preserver, but he would also be first to hand it to a humanity in greater need. He could damn the human race competently, but in the final reckoning it was the interest of that race that lay closest to his heart.

It’s a recognizable sentiment. Mark Twain might be the first to reach for the life preserver, but he’d also be the first to pass it to humanity when it’s in more need. He could criticize humanity skillfully, but in the end, it was the well-being of that race that mattered most to him.

Mention has been made in an earlier chapter of Clemens's enthusiasms or “rages” for this thing and that which should benefit humankind. He was seldom entirely without them. Whether it was copyright legislation, the latest invention, or a new empiric practice, he rarely failed to have a burning interest in some anodyne that would provide physical or mental easement for his species. Howells tells how once he was going to save the human race with accordion letter-files—the system of order which would grow out of this useful device being of such nerve and labor saving proportions as to insure long life and happiness to all. The fountain-pen, in its first imperfect form, must have come along about the same time, and Clemens was one of the very earliest authors to own one. For a while it seemed that the world had known no greater boon since the invention of printing; but when it clogged and balked, or suddenly deluged his paper and spilled in his pocket, he flung it to the outer darkness. After which, the stylographic pen. He tried one, and wrote severally to Dr. Brown, to Howells, and to Twichell, urging its adoption. Even in a letter to Mrs. Howells he could not forget his new possession:

Mention was made in an earlier chapter of Clemens's passions or “rages” for various causes that aimed to help humanity. He was rarely without them. Whether it was copyright laws, the latest invention, or a new practical method, he consistently had a strong interest in some solution that would ease either physical or mental struggles for his fellow humans. Howells recounts how he once believed he could save humanity with accordion letter-files—the organizational system that would emerge from this handy tool was supposed to be so efficient and labor-saving that it would bring longevity and happiness to everyone. The fountain pen, in its early imperfect form, probably came out around the same time, and Clemens was one of the first authors to own one. At first, it seemed like the world hadn't seen such a great blessing since the invention of printing; but when it got clogged, malfunctioned, or suddenly soaked his paper and spilled in his pocket, he tossed it away in frustration. Then came the stylographic pen. He tried one and wrote to Dr. Brown, Howells, and Twichell, encouraging them to start using it. Even in a letter to Mrs. Howells, he couldn’t help but mention his new acquisition:

    And speaking of Howells, he ought to use the stylographic pen, the
    best fountain-pen yet invented; he ought to, but of course he won't
    —a blamed old sodden-headed conservative—but you see yourself what
    a nice, clean, uniform MS. it makes.
    And speaking of Howells, he should use the stylographic pen, the best fountain pen ever created; he should, but of course he won't—a stubborn old conservative—but you can see how nice, clean, and uniform the manuscript looks.

And at the same time to Twichell:

And at the same time to Twichell:

    I am writing with a stylographic pen. It takes a royal amount of
    cussing to make the thing go the first few days or a week, but by
    that time the dullest ass gets the hang of the thing, and after that
    no enrichments of expression are required, and said ass finds the
    stylographic a genuine God's blessing. I carry one in each breeches
    pocket, and both loaded. I'd give you one of them if I had you
    where I could teach you how to use it—not otherwise. For the
    average ass flings the thing out of the window in disgust the second
    day, believing it hath no virtue, no merit of any sort; whereas the
    lack lieth in himself, God of his mercy damn him.
I’m writing with a fountain pen. It takes a ton of cursing to get the thing to work for the first few days or a week, but after that, even the dullest person figures it out, and from then on, no fancy words are needed, and that person finds the fountain pen to be a true blessing. I keep one in each pocket of my pants, and both are ready to go. I’d give you one if I could show you how to use it—not otherwise. Most people throw it out the window in frustration by the second day, convinced it’s useless; the real problem is with them, God help them.

It was not easy to withstand Mark Twain's enthusiasm. Howells, Twichell, and Dr. Brown were all presently struggling and swearing (figuratively) over their stylographic pens, trying to believe that salvation lay in their conquest. But in the midst of one letter, at last, Howells broke down, seized his old steel weapon, and wrote savagely: “No white man ought to use a stylographic pen, anyhow!” Then, with the more ancient implement, continued in a calmer spirit.

It wasn't easy to handle Mark Twain's enthusiasm. Howells, Twichell, and Dr. Brown were all currently struggling and cursing (figuratively) over their stylographic pens, trying to convince themselves that their success depended on mastering them. But in the middle of one letter, Howells finally snapped, grabbed his old steel pen, and wrote angrily: "No white man should use a stylographic pen, anyway!" Then, with the more traditional pen, he continued in a calmer mood.

It was only a little later that Clemens himself wrote:

It was only a short while later that Clemens himself wrote:

    You see I am trying a new pen. I stood the stylograph as long as I
    could, and then retired to the pencil. The thing I am trying now is
    that fountain-pen which is advertised to employ and accommodate
    itself to any kind of pen. So I selected an ordinary gold pen—a
    limber one—and sent it to New York and had it cut and fitted to
    this thing. It goes very well indeed—thus far; but doubtless the
    devil will be in it by tomorrow.
    You see, I'm trying out a new pen. I used the stylograph for as long as I could, and then switched to pencil. The thing I'm using now is this fountain pen that's advertised to work well with any type of pen. So, I picked a regular gold pen—a flexible one—and sent it to New York to get it cut and adjusted to fit this pen. So far, it works really well—but I’m sure something will go wrong by tomorrow.

Mark Twain's schemes were not all in the line of human advancement; some of them were projected, primarily at least, for diversion. He was likely at any moment to organize a club, a sort of private club, and at the time of which we are writing he proposed what was called the “Modest” Club. He wrote to Howells, about it:

Mark Twain's plans weren't all about improving humanity; some of them were mainly intended for fun. At any given moment, he might set up a club, a type of private club, and during the time we're discussing, he proposed what was called the "Modest" Club. He wrote to Howells about it:

    At present I am the only member, and as the modesty required must be
    of a quite aggravated type the enterprise did seem for a time doomed
    to stop dead still with myself, for lack of further material; but on
    reflection I have come to the conclusion that you are eligible.
    Therefore, I have held a meeting and voted to offer you the
    distinction of membership. I do not know that we can find any
    others, though I have had some thought of Hay, Warner, Twichell,
    Aldrich, Osgood, Fields, Higginson, and a few more, together with
    Mrs. Howells, Mrs. Clemens, and certain others of the sex. I have
    long felt there ought to be an organized gang of our kind.
At the moment, I’m the only member, and since the required modesty has to be quite extreme, it seemed for a while that this project was going to come to a complete halt with just me, due to a lack of more members. However, after thinking it over, I’ve decided that you qualify. So, I held a meeting and voted to invite you to join us. I’m not sure we can find anyone else, although I did think about Hay, Warner, Twichell, Aldrich, Osgood, Fields, Higginson, and a few more, along with Mrs. Howells, Mrs. Clemens, and some others as well. I’ve always believed we should have an organized group of people like us.

He appends the by-laws, the main ones being:

He adds the by-laws, the most important ones being:

    The object of the club shall be to eat and talk.

    Qualification for membership shall be aggravated modesty,
    unobtrusiveness, native humility, learning, talent, intelligence,
    unassailable character.

    There shall be no officers except a president, and any member who
    has anything to eat and talk about may constitute himself president
    for the time being.

    Any brother or sister of the order finding a brother or a sister in
    imminently deadly peril shall forsake his own concerns, no matter at
    what cost, and call the police.

    Any member knowing anything scandalous about himself shall
    immediately inform the club, so that they shall call a meeting and
    have the first chance to talk about it.
    The purpose of the club is to eat and chat.

    To qualify for membership, one should have a bit of modesty, be unobtrusive, possess natural humility, and have learning, talent, intelligence, and strong character.

    There will be no officers except for a president, and any member who has something to eat and discuss can appoint themselves president for the time being.

    Any brother or sister in the club who finds another member in serious danger must put aside their own issues, regardless of the consequences, and call the police.

    If any member has something scandalous about themselves, they must immediately inform the club so that a meeting can be called and they can have the first opportunity to discuss it.

It was one of his whimsical fancies, and Howells replied that he would like to join it, only that he was too modest—that is, too modest to confess that he was modest enough for membership.

It was one of his quirky ideas, and Howells said he would like to be part of it, only that he was too humble—that is, too humble to admit that he was humble enough to join.

He added that he had sent a letter, with the rules, to Hay, but doubted his modesty. He said:

He mentioned that he had sent a letter, along with the rules, to Hay, but questioned his modesty. He said:

“He will think he has a right to belong as much as you or I.”

“He will believe he has just as much right to belong as you or I.”

Howells agreed that his own name might be put down, but the idea seems never to have gone any further. Perhaps the requirements of membership were too severe.

Howells agreed that his name could be added, but the idea never really progressed. Maybe the membership requirements were just too strict.





CXXXI. WORKING FOR GARFIELD

Eighteen hundred and eighty was a Presidential year. General Garfield was nominated on the Republican ticket (against General Hancock), and Clemens found him satisfactory.

Eighteen hundred and eighty was a presidential election year. General Garfield was nominated on the Republican ticket (against General Hancock), and Clemens thought he was a good choice.

      Garfield suits me thoroughly and exactly [he wrote Howells]. I prefer him
      to Grant's friends. The Presidency can't add anything to Grant; he will
      shine on without it. It is ephemeral; he is eternal.
    
      Garfield fits me perfectly [he wrote Howells]. I like him better than Grant's friends. The presidency won't do anything for Grant; he'll stand out just fine without it. It's temporary; he is timeless.

That was the year when the Republican party became panicky over the disaffection in its ranks, due to the defeat of Grant in the convention, and at last, by pleadings and promises, conciliated Platt and Conkling and brought them into the field. General Grant also was induced to save the party from defeat, and made a personal tour of oratory for that purpose. He arrived in Hartford with his family on the 16th of October, and while his reception was more or less partizan, it was a momentous event. A vast procession passed in review before him, and everywhere houses and grounds were decorated. To Mrs. Clemens, still in Elmira, Clemens wrote:

That was the year the Republican Party started to panic over the dissatisfaction within its ranks after Grant lost at the convention. Finally, through appeals and promises, they managed to win Platt and Conkling back and bring them on board. General Grant was also persuaded to step in and help save the party from defeat, and he embarked on a personal speaking tour for that reason. He arrived in Hartford with his family on October 16th, and while his welcome was somewhat partisan, it was a significant event. A large procession moved past him, and homes and yards were decorated everywhere. To Mrs. Clemens, still in Elmira, Clemens wrote:

    I found Mr. Beals hard at work in the rain with his decorations.
    With a ladder he had strung flags around our bedroom balcony, and
    thence around to the porte-cochere, which was elaborately flagged;
    thence the flags of all nations were suspended from a line which
    stretched past the greenhouse to the limit of our grounds. Against
    each of the two trees on the mound, half-way down to our gate,
    stands a knight in complete armor. Piles of still-bundled flags
    clutter up the ombra (to be put up), also gaudy shields of various
    shapes (arms of this and other countries), also some huge glittering
    arches and things done in gold and silver paper, containing mottoes
    in big letters. I broke Mr. Beals's heart by persistently and
    inflexibly annulling and forbidding the biggest and gorgeousest of
    the arches—it had on it, in all the fires of the rainbow, “The Home
    of Mark Twain,” in letters as big as your head. Oh, we're going to
    be decorated sufficient, don't you worry about that, madam.
I found Mr. Beals busy in the rain with his decorations. He had set up flags all around our bedroom balcony using a ladder, and they extended to the porte-cochere, which was lavishly adorned. The flags of all nations dangled from a line that stretched from the greenhouse to the edge of our property. By each of the two trees on the hill, halfway down to our gate, stood a knight in full armor. Bundles of flags waiting to be put up cluttered the shaded area, along with colorful shields in various shapes representing different countries, and some huge sparkling arches made of gold and silver paper, displaying mottos in large letters. I completely broke Mr. Beals's spirit by repeatedly and firmly rejecting the biggest and most lavish of the arches—it had “The Home of Mark Twain” written on it in bright rainbow colors, with letters as large as your head. Oh, we're going to have plenty of decorations, so don't worry about that, madam.

Clemens was one of those delegated to receive Grant and to make a speech of welcome. It was a short speech but an effective one, for it made Grant laugh. He began:

Clemens was one of the people chosen to welcome Grant and deliver a speech. It was a brief speech but it was impactful, as it made Grant laugh. He started:

    “I am among those deputed to welcome you to the sincere and cordial
    hospitalities of Hartford, the city of the historic and revered
    Charter Oak, of which most of the town is built.” He seemed to be
    at loss what to say next, and, leaning over, pretended to whisper to
    Grant; then, as if he had obtained the information he wanted, he
    suddenly straightened up and poured out the old-fashioned eulogy on
    Grant's achievements, adding, in an aside, as he finished:

    “I nearly forgot that part of my speech,” which evoked roars of
    laughter from the assembly and a grim smile from Grant. He spoke of
    Grant as being out of public employment, with private opportunities
    closed against him, and added, “But your country will reward you,
    never fear.”
 
    “I’m one of the people here to welcome you to the warm and genuine hospitality of Hartford, the city of the historic and cherished Charter Oak, which is the foundation of much of the town.” He seemed unsure about what to say next and leaned over as if to whisper to Grant. Then, as if he had gotten the information he needed, he suddenly sat up straight and launched into a traditional praise of Grant’s accomplishments, adding as a side note when he finished: 

    “I almost forgot that part of my speech,” which led to loud laughter from the crowd and a faint smile from Grant. He spoke of Grant being out of public service, with private opportunities closed to him, and added, “But your country will reward you, don’t worry.”

Then he closed:

Then he shut the door.

    When Wellington won Waterloo, a battle about on a level with any one
    of a dozen of your victories, sordid England tried to pay him for
    that service with wealth and grandeurs. She made him a duke and
    gave him $4,000,000. If you had done and suffered for any other
    country what you have done and suffered for your own you would have
    been affronted in the same sordid way. But, thank God! this vast
    and rich and mighty republic is imbued to the core with a delicacy
    which will forever preserve her from so degrading you.

    Your country loves you—your country's proud of you—your country is
    grateful to you. Her applauses, which have been many, thundering in
    your ears all these weeks and months, will never cease while the
    flag you saved continues to wave.

    Your country stands ready from this day forth to testify her
    measureless love and pride and gratitude toward you in every
    conceivable—inexpensive way. Welcome to Hartford, great soldier,
    honored statesman, unselfish citizen.
When Wellington won Waterloo, a battle on par with any of your many victories, greedy England tried to repay him for that service with wealth and titles. They made him a duke and gave him $4,000,000. If you had done and endured what you have for any other country, you would have faced the same kind of annoying reward. But, thank God! this vast, rich, and powerful republic is deeply rooted in a sense of dignity that will always protect you from such degradation.

Your country loves you—your country is proud of you—your country is grateful to you. The applause you've received, which has been overwhelming, ringing in your ears for weeks and months, will never stop as long as the flag you saved continues to fly.

From this day forward, your country is ready to show her boundless love, pride, and gratitude toward you in every possible—inexpensive—way. Welcome to Hartford, great soldier, esteemed statesman, selfless citizen.

Grant's grim smile showed itself more than once during the speech, and when Clemens reached the sentence that spoke of his country rewarding him in “every conceivable—inexpensive way” his composure broke up completely and he “nearly laughed his entire head off,” according to later testimony, while the spectators shouted their approval.

Grant's serious smile appeared more than once during the speech, and when Clemens hit the part that talked about his country rewarding him in “every conceivable—inexpensive way,” he completely lost his composure and “almost laughed his head off,” according to later accounts, while the audience cheered in approval.

Grant's son, Col. Fred Grant,—[Maj.-Gen'l, U. S. Army, 1906. Died April, 1912.]—dined at the Clemens home that night, and Rev. Joseph Twichell and Henry C. Robinson. Twichell's invitation was in the form of a telegram. It said:

Grant's son, Col. Fred Grant,—[Maj.-Gen'l, U. S. Army, 1906. Died April, 1912.]—had dinner at the Clemens home that night, along with Rev. Joseph Twichell and Henry C. Robinson. Twichell's invitation was sent as a telegram. It read:

    I want you to dine with us Saturday half past five and meet Col.
    Fred Grant. No ceremony. Wear the same shirt you always wear.
I want you to have dinner with us on Saturday at 5:30 and meet Col. Fred Grant. No formalities. Just wear your usual shirt.

The campaign was at its height now, and on the evening of October 26th there was a grand Republican rally at the opera-house with addresses by Charles Dudley Warner, Henry C. Robinson, and Mark Twain. It was an unpleasant, drizzly evening, but the weather had no effect on their audience. The place was jammed and packed, the aisles, the windows, and the gallery railings full. Hundreds who came as late as the hour announced for the opening were obliged to turn back, for the building had been thronged long before. Mark Twain's speech that night is still remembered in Hartford as the greatest effort of his life. It was hardly that, except to those who were caught in the psychology of the moment, the tumult and the shouting of patriotism, the surge and sweep of the political tide. The roaring delight of the audience showed that to them at least it was convincing. Howells wrote that he had read it twice, and that he could not put it out of his mind. Whatever its general effect was need not now be considered. Garfield was elected, and perhaps Grant's visit to Hartford and the great mass-meeting that followed contributed their mite to that result.

The campaign was reaching its peak now, and on the evening of October 26th, there was a huge Republican rally at the opera house featuring speeches by Charles Dudley Warner, Henry C. Robinson, and Mark Twain. It was an unpleasant, drizzly evening, but the weather didn’t dampen the spirits of the audience. The venue was completely packed; the aisles, windows, and gallery railings were overflowing. Hundreds who arrived right at the scheduled start time had to turn away because the building had been crowded long before. Mark Twain's speech that night is still remembered in Hartford as one of his best performances. It might not have been the case for everyone, except for those who were caught up in the excitement of the moment, the noise and fervor of patriotism, the rising tide of political passion. The audience's roaring enthusiasm showed that, for them at least, it was persuasive. Howells wrote that he had read it twice and couldn’t get it out of his mind. Whatever its overall impact was doesn’t need to be debated now. Garfield was elected, and perhaps Grant's visit to Hartford and the massive rally that followed played a part in that outcome.

Clemens saw General Grant again that year, but not on political business. The Educational Mission, which China had established in Hartford—a thriving institution for eight years or more—was threatened now by certain Chinese authorities with abolishment. Yung Wing (a Yale graduate), the official by whom it had been projected and under whose management it had prospered, was deeply concerned, as was the Rev. Joseph Twichell, whose interest in the mission was a large and personal one. Yung Wing declared that if influence could be brought upon Li Hung Chang, then the most influential of Chinese counselors, the mission might be saved. Twichell, remembering the great honors which Li Hung Chang had paid to General Grant in China, also Grant's admiration of Mark Twain, went to the latter without delay. Necessarily Clemens would be enthusiastic, and act promptly. He wrote to Grant, and Grant replied by telegraph, naming a day when he would see them in New York.

Clemens saw General Grant again that year, but not for political reasons. The Educational Mission that China had set up in Hartford—a successful institution for over eight years—was now threatened by some Chinese officials with being shut down. Yung Wing (a Yale graduate), who had initiated the project and managed it successfully, was very worried, as was the Rev. Joseph Twichell, who had a strong personal interest in the mission. Yung Wing said that if they could influence Li Hung Chang, the most powerful Chinese advisor at the time, they might be able to save the mission. Twichell, recalling the great respect Li Hung Chang had shown General Grant in China and Grant's admiration for Mark Twain, quickly approached Twain. Naturally, Clemens was eager and acted fast. He wrote to Grant, and Grant replied by telegram, setting a date when he would meet them in New York.

They met at the Fifth Avenue Hotel. Grant was in fine spirits, and by no means the “silent man” of his repute.

They met at the Fifth Avenue Hotel. Grant was in great spirits and definitely not the “silent man” he was known to be.

      He launched at once into as free and flowing talk as I have ever heard
      [says Twichell], marked by broad and intelligent views on the subject of
      China, her wants, disadvantages, etc. Now and then he asked a question,
      but kept the lead of the conversation. At last he proposed, of his own
      accord, to write a letter to Li Hung Chang, advising the continuance of
      the Mission, asking only that I would prepare him some notes, giving him
      points to go by. Thus we succeeded easily beyond our expectations, thanks,
      very largely, to Clemens's assistance.
    
      He jumped right into a conversation that was as free-flowing as I’ve ever heard [says Twichell], with broad and insightful views on China, its needs, challenges, and more. Occasionally, he asked a question but mostly led the discussion. Eventually, he suggested on his own to write a letter to Li Hung Chang, recommending that the Mission continue, and asked me to prepare some notes to guide him. As a result, we exceeded our expectations, largely thanks to Clemens's help.

Clemens wrote Howells of the interview, detailing at some length Twichell's comical mixture of delight and chagrin at not being given time to air the fund of prepared statistics with which he had come loaded. It was as if he had come to borrow a dollar and had been offered a thousand before he could unfold his case.

Clemens wrote to Howells about the interview, going into detail about Twichell's funny mix of happiness and frustration at not being given the chance to share all the statistics he had prepared. It was like he had come to borrow a dollar and was offered a thousand before he could even explain his situation.





CXXXII. A NEW PUBLISHER

It was near the end of the year that Clemens wrote to his mother:

    I have two stories, and by the verbal agreement they are both going
    into the same book; but Livy says they're not, and by George! she
    ought to know. She says they're going into separate books, and that
    one of them is going to be elegantly gotten up, even if the elegance
    of it eats up the publisher's profits and mine too.

    I anticipate that publisher's melancholy surprise when he calls here
    Tuesday. However, let him suffer; it is his own fault. People who
    fix up agreements with me without first finding out what Livy's
    plans are take their fate into their own hands.

    I said two stories, but one of them is only half done; two or three
    months' work on it yet. I shall tackle it Wednesday or Thursday;
    that is, if Livy yields and allows both stories to go in one book,
    which I hope she won't.
I have two stories, and according to our agreement, they're supposed to go into the same book. But Livy insists they won't, and honestly, she should know. She says they're going to be published separately, and that one of them will be dressed up nicely, even if that means the publisher's profits and mine take a hit.

I can already imagine the publisher’s sad surprise when he shows up here on Tuesday. But let him deal with it; it’s his fault. Anyone who makes agreements with me without checking Livy’s plans first is asking for trouble.

I mentioned having two stories, but one of them is only half finished—still need a couple of months to work on it. I plan to dive into it on Wednesday or Thursday, assuming Livy gives in and lets both stories go in one book, which I really hope she won't.

The reader may surmise that the finished story—the highly regarded story—was 'The Prince and the Pauper'. The other tale—the unfinished and less considered one was 'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn'. Nobody appears to have been especially concerned about Huck, except, possibly, the publisher.

The reader might guess that the completed story—the well-respected one—was 'The Prince and the Pauper'. The other tale—the unfinished and less appreciated one—was 'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn'. It seems that nobody really cared much about Huck, except maybe the publisher.

The publisher was not the American Company. Elisha Bliss, after long ill health, had died that fall, and this fact, in connection with a growing dissatisfaction over the earlier contracts, had induced Clemens to listen to offers from other makers of books. The revelation made by the “half-profit” returns from A Tramp Abroad meant to him, simply that the profits had not been fairly apportioned, and he was accordingly hostile. To Orion he wrote that, had Bliss lived, he would have remained with the company and made it reimburse him for his losses, but that as matters stood he would sever the long connection. It seemed a pity, later, that he did this, but the break was bound to come. Clemens was not a business man, and Bliss was not a philanthropist. He was, in fact, a shrewd, capable publisher, who made as good a contract as he could; yet he was square in his dealings, and the contract which Clemens held most bitterly against him—that of 'Roughing It'—had been made in good faith and in accordance with the conditions, of that period. In most of the later contracts Clemens himself had named his royalties, and it was not in human nature—business human nature—for Bliss to encourage the size of these percentages. If one wished to draw a strictly moral conclusion from the situation, one might say that it would have been better for the American Publishing Company, knowing Mark Twain, voluntarily to have allowed him half profits, which was the spirit of his old understanding even if not the letter of it, rather than to have waited till he demanded it and then to lose him by the result. Perhaps that would be also a proper business deduction; only, as a rule, business morals are regulated by the contract, and the contract is regulated by the necessities and the urgency of demand.

The publisher was not the American Company. Elisha Bliss, after a long illness, had died that fall, and this, along with a growing dissatisfaction with the earlier contracts, led Clemens to consider offers from other publishers. The revelation from the "half-profit" returns of A Tramp Abroad simply told him that the profits hadn’t been fairly divided, which made him upset. He wrote to Orion that if Bliss had lived, he would have stayed with the company and made them pay him back for his losses, but given the situation, he would end their long relationship. Later, it seemed unfortunate that he did this, but the split was inevitable. Clemens wasn’t a business person, and Bliss wasn’t a philanthropist. He was actually a shrewd, capable publisher who tried to make the best contract possible; still, he was fair in his dealings, and the contract that Clemens held against him the most—that for 'Roughing It'—had been made in good faith according to the standards of that time. In most of the later contracts, Clemens had set his own royalties, and it wasn’t in human nature—business human nature—for Bliss to boost those percentages. If one wanted to draw a strictly moral conclusion from the situation, one might say it would have been better for the American Publishing Company, knowing Mark Twain, to have voluntarily given him half profits, which reflected the spirit of their old agreement even if not the letter, rather than waiting for him to ask for it and then losing him as a result. Perhaps that would also be a reasonable business conclusion; however, typically, business ethics are dictated by the contract, and the contract is shaped by the needs and urgency of demand.

Never mind. Mark Twain revised 'The Prince and the Pauper', sent it to Howells, who approved of it mightily (though with reservations as to certain chapters), and gave it to James R. Osgood, who was grateful and agreed to make it into a book upon which no expense for illustration or manufacture should be spared. It was to be a sort of partnership arrangement as between author and publisher, and large returns were anticipated.

Never mind. Mark Twain revised 'The Prince and the Pauper', sent it to Howells, who really liked it (though he had some reservations about certain chapters), and gave it to James R. Osgood, who was thankful and agreed to turn it into a book that would have no limits on illustration or production costs. It was meant to be a sort of partnership between the author and publisher, with big returns expected.

Among the many letters which Clemens was just then writing to Howells one was dated “Xmas Eve.” It closes with the customary pleasantries and the final line:

Among the many letters Clemens was currently writing to Howells, one was dated "Christmas Eve." It ends with the usual friendly remarks and the final line:

“But it is growing dark. Merry Christmas to all of you!”

“But it’s getting dark. Merry Christmas to everyone!”

That last was a line of large significance. It meant that the air was filled with the whisper of hovering events and that he must mingle with the mystery of preparation. Christmas was an important season in the Clemens home. Almost the entire day before, Patrick was out with the sleigh, delivering food and other gifts in baskets to the poor, and the home preparations were no less busy. There was always a tree—a large one—and when all the gifts had been gathered in—when Elmira and Fredonia had delivered their contributions, and Orion and his wife in Keokuk had sent the annual sack of hickory-nuts (the big river-bottom nuts, big as a silver dollar almost, such nuts as few children of this later generation ever see) when all this happy revenue had been gathered, and the dusk of Christmas Eve had hurried the children off to bed, it was Mrs. Clemens who superintended the dressing of the tree, her husband assisting, with a willingness that was greater than his skill, and with a boy's anticipation in the surprise of it next morning.

That last part was really important. It meant that the air was buzzing with upcoming events and that he had to engage with the mystery of getting ready. Christmas was a big deal in the Clemens household. Almost the whole day before, Patrick was out with the sleigh, delivering food and other gifts in baskets to those in need, and home preparations were just as hectic. There was always a tree—a big one—and once all the gifts were gathered in—when Elmira and Fredonia had dropped off their contributions, and Orion and his wife in Keokuk had sent the annual sack of hickory nuts (the big river-bottom nuts, nearly as big as a silver dollar, kinds that few kids today ever see)—once all this joyful collection was complete and the evening of Christmas Eve had sent the children off to bed, it was Mrs. Clemens who supervised decorating the tree, with her husband helping, full of enthusiasm that was greater than his skill, and with a boy's excitement for the surprises waiting the next morning.

Then followed the holidays, with parties and dances and charades, and little plays, with the Warner and Twichell children. To the Clemens home the Christmas season brought all the old round of juvenile happiness—the spirit of kindly giving, the brightness and the merrymaking, the gladness and tenderness and mystery that belong to no other season, and have been handed down through all the ages since shepherds watched on the plains of Bethlehem.

Then came the holidays, filled with parties, dances, charades, and little plays with the Warner and Twichell kids. The Christmas season brought back the familiar joy to the Clemens home—the spirit of giving, the excitement and fun, the happiness and warmth, and the special magic that comes only during this time of year, passed down through the ages since shepherds watched over the fields of Bethlehem.





CXXXIII. THE THREE FIRES—SOME BENEFACTIONS

The tradition that fires occur in groups of three was justified in the Clemens household that winter. On each of three successive days flames started that might have led to ghastly results.

The belief that fires happen in threes was proven true in the Clemens household that winter. On three consecutive days, flames broke out that could have resulted in terrible consequences.

The children were croupy, and one morning an alcohol lamp near little Clara's bed, blown by the draught, set fire to the canopy. Rosa, the nurse, entered just as the blaze was well started. She did not lose her presence of mind,—[Rosa was not the kind to lose her head. Once, in Europe, when Bay had crept between the uprights of a high balustrade, and was hanging out over destruction, Rosa, discovering her, did not scream but spoke to her playfully and lifted her over into safety.]—but snatched the little girl out of danger, then opened the window and threw the burning bedding on the lawn. The child was only slightly scorched, but the escape was narrow enough.

The kids were dealing with croup, and one morning, an alcohol lamp next to little Clara's bed, blown by a draft, caught the canopy on fire. Rosa, the nurse, walked in just as the flames were getting strong. She kept her cool—[Rosa was the type to stay calm. Once, in Europe, when Bay had slipped between the posts of a high railing and was hanging dangerously, Rosa spotted her and didn't panic; she just playfully talked to her and lifted her to safety.]—but quickly pulled the little girl out of harm's way, then opened the window and threw the burning bedding onto the lawn. The child was only lightly scorched, but the escape was close.

Next day little Jean was lying asleep in her crib, in front of an open wood fire, carefully protected by a firescreen, when a spark, by some ingenuity, managed to get through the mesh of the screen and land on the crib's lace covering. Jean's nurse, Julia, arrived to find the lace a gust of flame and the fire spreading. She grabbed the sleeping Jean and screamed. Rosa, again at hand, heard the scream, and rushing in once more opened a window and flung out the blazing bedclothes. Clemens himself also arrived, and together they stamped out the fire.

The next day, little Jean was peacefully asleep in her crib, in front of an open wood fire, which was carefully protected by a firescreen. Somehow, a spark managed to slip through the screen and land on the lace covering of the crib. Jean's nurse, Julia, came in to find the lace engulfed in flames and the fire spreading. She quickly grabbed the sleeping Jean and screamed. Rosa, who was nearby, heard the scream and rushed in, opened a window, and threw out the burning bedclothes. Clemens arrived as well, and together they put out the fire.

On the third morning, just before breakfast-time, Susy was practising at the piano in the school-room, which adjoined the nursery. At one end of the room a fire of large logs was burning. Susy was at the other end of the room, her back to the fire. A log burned in two and fell, scattering coals around the woodwork which supported the mantel. Just as the blaze was getting fairly started a barber, waiting to trim Mr. Clemens's hair, chanced to look in and saw what was going on. He stepped into the nursery bath-room, brought a pitcher of water and extinguished the flames. This period was always referred to in the Clemens household as the “three days of fire.”

On the third morning, just before breakfast, Susy was practicing at the piano in the schoolroom, which was next to the nursery. At one end of the room, a fire of large logs was burning. Susy was at the other end, with her back to the fire. A log split in two and fell, scattering coals around the wooden structure that supported the mantel. Just as the flames were really getting going, a barber, waiting to trim Mr. Clemens's hair, happened to look in and saw what was happening. He stepped into the nursery bathroom, grabbed a pitcher of water, and put out the flames. This time was always called the “three days of fire” in the Clemens household.

Clemens would naturally make philosophical deductions from these coincidental dangers and the manner in which they had been averted. He said that all these things were comprehended in the first act of the first atom; that, but for some particular impulse given in that remote time, the alcohol flame would not have blown against the canopy, the spark would not have found its way through the screen, the log would not have broken apart in that dangerous way, and that Rosa and Julia and the barber would not have been at hand to save precious life and property. He did not go further and draw moral conclusions as to the purpose of these things: he never drew conclusions as to purpose. He was willing to rest with the event. Logically he did not believe in reasons for things, but only that things were.

Clemens would naturally make philosophical deductions from these coincidental dangers and how they were avoided. He said that all of this was part of the first act of the first atom; that, if not for some specific impulse from that long-ago time, the alcohol flame wouldn’t have blown against the canopy, the spark wouldn’t have gotten through the screen, the log wouldn’t have broken apart in that risky way, and Rosa, Julia, and the barber wouldn’t have been there to save precious life and property. He didn’t go further to draw moral conclusions about the purpose of these events; he never drew conclusions about purpose. He was content to accept the event. Logically, he didn’t believe in reasons for things, just in the fact that things were.

Nevertheless, he was always trying to change them; to have a hand in their improvement. Had you asked him, he would have said that this, too, was all in the primal atom; that his nature, such as it was, had been minutely embodied there.

Nevertheless, he was always looking to change them; to play a role in their improvement. If you had asked him, he would have said that this, too, was all in the basic essence; that his nature, as it was, had been fully expressed there.

In that charming volume, 'My Mark Twain', Howells tells us of Clemens's consideration, and even tenderness, for the negro race and his effort to repair the wrong done by his nation. Mark Twain's writings are full of similar evidence, and in his daily life he never missed an opportunity to pay tribute to the humbler race. He would go across the street to speak to an old negro, and to take his hand. He would read for a negro church when he would have refused a cathedral. Howells mentions the colored student whose way through college Clemens paid as a partial reparation “due from every white man to every black man.”—[Mark Twain paid two colored students through college. One of them, educated in a Southern institution, became a minister of the gospel. The other graduated from the Yale Law School.]—This incident belongs just to the period of which we are now writing, and there is another which, though different enough, indicates the same tendency.

In that charming book, 'My Mark Twain', Howells shares Clemens's thoughtfulness and even compassion for the Black community and his attempt to make amends for the injustices committed by his country. Mark Twain's works are full of similar examples, and in his everyday life, he never missed a chance to honor the less privileged. He would cross the street to greet an older Black man and shake his hand. He would read for a Black church when he would have turned down an invitation from a cathedral. Howells notes the Black student whose college education Clemens funded as a way of making partial reparations “due from every white man to every black man.”—[Mark Twain paid for two Black students to go through college. One of them, educated in a Southern school, became a minister. The other graduated from Yale Law School.]—This incident pertains directly to the period we are discussing, and there’s another one that, while somewhat different, shows the same inclination.

Garfield was about to be inaugurated, and it was rumored that Frederick Douglass might lose his position as Marshal of the District of Columbia. Clemens was continually besought by one and another to use his influence with the Administration, and in every case had refused. Douglass had made no such, application. Clemens, learning that the old negro's place was in danger, interceded for him of his own accord. He closed his letter to General Garfield:

Garfield was about to be inaugurated, and there were rumors that Frederick Douglass might lose his position as Marshal of the District of Columbia. Clemens was constantly approached by various people asking him to use his influence with the new Administration, but he had turned them all down. Douglass hadn’t requested any help. When Clemens found out that Douglass's job was at risk, he decided to advocate for him on his own. He ended his letter to General Garfield:

    A simple citizen may express a desire, with all propriety, in the
    matter of recommendation to office, and so I beg permission to hope
    that you will retain Mr. Douglass in his present office of Marshal
    of the District of Columbia, if such a course will not clash with
    your own preferences or with the expediencies and interests of your
    Administration. I offer this petition with peculiar pleasure and
    strong desire, because I so honor this man's high and blemishless
    character, and so admire his brave, long crusade for the liberties
    and elevation of his race.

    He is a personal friend of mine, but that is nothing to the point;
    his history would move me to say these things without that, and I
    feel them, too.
    A regular citizen can properly express a wish regarding recommendations for office, so I hope you will consider keeping Mr. Douglass in his current position as Marshal of the District of Columbia, if that aligns with your preferences and the goals of your Administration. I'm making this request with great pleasure and a strong desire because I hold this man’s honorable and spotless character in high esteem, and I deeply admire his courageous and long fight for the freedom and upliftment of his community.

    He is a personal friend of mine, but that’s beside the point; his story would compel me to say these things even without that connection, and I genuinely feel this way.

Douglass wrote to Clemens, thanking him for his interest; at the end he said:

Douglass wrote to Clemens, thanking him for his interest; at the end he said:

    I think if a man is mean enough to want an office he ought to be
    noble enough to ask for it, and use all honorable means of getting
    it. I mean to ask, and I will use your letter as a part of my
    petition. It will put the President-elect in a good humor, in any
    case, and that is very important.

           With great respect,
                  Gratefully yours,
                         FREDERICK DOUGLASS.
    I believe that if a man is selfish enough to want a position, he should be noble enough to request it and use all respectable ways to achieve it. I intend to ask for it, and I will include your letter as part of my request. It will put the President-elect in a good mood, which is very important.

           With great respect,
                  Gratefully yours,
                         FREDERICK DOUGLASS.

Mark Twain's benefactions were not all for the colored race. One morning in February of this same year, while the family were at late breakfast, George came in to announce “a lady waiting to see Mr. Clemens in the drawing-room.” Clemens growled.

Mark Twain's charitable acts weren't only for the Black community. One morning in February of that year, while the family was having a late breakfast, George walked in to say, “There’s a lady waiting to see Mr. Clemens in the drawing room.” Clemens grumbled.

“George,” he said, “it's a book agent. I won't see her. I'll die, in my tracks first.”

“George,” he said, “it's a book agent. I'm not meeting her. I'd rather die right here.”

He went, fuming and raging inwardly, and began at once to ask the nature of the intruder's business. Then he saw that she was very young and modest, with none of the assurance of a canvasser, so he gave her a chance to speak. She told him that a young man employed in Pratt & Whitney's machine-shops had made a statue in clay, and would like to have Mark Twain come and look at it and see if it showed any promise of future achievement. His name, she said, was Karl Gerhardt, and he was her husband. Clemens protested that he knew nothing about art, but the young woman's manner and appearance (she seemed scarcely more than a child) won him. He wavered, and finally promised that he would come the first chance he had; that in fact he would come some time during the next week. On her suggestion he agreed to come early in the week; he specified Monday, “without fail.”

He walked away, fuming and seething inside, and immediately started asking about the intruder's business. Then he noticed that she was very young and modest, lacking the confidence of a salesperson, so he gave her a chance to speak. She explained that a young man working at Pratt & Whitney’s machine shops had made a clay statue and wanted Mark Twain to take a look at it to see if it showed any potential for future success. She mentioned that his name was Karl Gerhardt and that he was her husband. Clemens said he didn’t know anything about art, but the young woman's demeanor and appearance (she seemed barely more than a child) won him over. He hesitated and finally promised that he would come at the first opportunity; in fact, he would visit sometime during the next week. On her suggestion, he agreed to come early in the week and specified Monday, “without fail.”

When she was gone, and the door shut behind her, his usual remorse came upon him. He said to himself:

When she left and the door closed behind her, his usual regret hit him. He thought to himself:

“Why didn't I go now? Why didn't I go with her now?”

“Why didn’t I go now? Why didn’t I go with her now?”

She went from Clemens's over to Warner's. Warner also resisted, but, tempted beyond his strength by her charm, laid down his work and went at once. When he returned he urged Clemens to go without fail, and, true to promise, Clemens took Patrick, the coachman, and hunted up the place. Clemens saw the statue, a seminude, for which the young wife had posed, and was struck by its evident merit. Mrs. Gerhardt told him the story of her husband's struggles between his daily work and the effort to develop his talent. He had never had a lesson, she said; if he could only have lessons what might he not accomplish?

She went from Clemens's place to Warner's. Warner was reluctant too, but, unable to resist her charm, he put down his work and went right away. When he came back, he encouraged Clemens to definitely go, and, keeping his word, Clemens took Patrick, the coachman, and found the place. Clemens saw the statue, a seminude, that the young wife had posed for, and was impressed by its clear quality. Mrs. Gerhardt shared the story of her husband's struggles between his daily job and his attempts to nurture his talent. She said he had never taken a lesson; if only he could have lessons, imagine what he could achieve!

Mrs. Clemens and Miss Spaulding called next day, and were equally carried away with Karl Gerhardt, his young wife, and his effort to win his way in art. Clemens and Warner made up their minds to interest themselves personally in the matter, and finally persuaded the painter J. Wells Champney to come over from New York and go with them to the Gerhardts' humble habitation, to see his work. Champney approved of it. He thought it well worth while, he said, for the people of Hartford to go to the expense of Gerhardt's art education. He added that it would be better to get the judgment of a sculptor. So they brought over John Quincy Adams Ward, who, like all the others, came away bewitched with these young people and their struggles for the sake of art. Ward said:

Mrs. Clemens and Miss Spaulding visited the next day and were also captivated by Karl Gerhardt, his young wife, and their efforts to succeed in art. Clemens and Warner decided to get personally involved and eventually convinced the painter J. Wells Champney to come from New York and join them at the Gerhardts' modest home to see his work. Champney liked it. He believed it was worth it for the people of Hartford to invest in Gerhardt's art education. He also mentioned that it would be wise to get an opinion from a sculptor. So, they brought in John Quincy Adams Ward, who, like everyone else, left enchanted by these young people and their determination for art. Ward said:

“If any stranger had told me that this 'prentice did not model that thing from plaster-casts I should not have believed it. It's full of crudities, but it's full of genius, too. Hartford must send him to Paris for two years; then, if the promise holds good, keep him there three more.”

“If a stranger had told me that this apprentice didn’t create that piece from plaster casts, I wouldn’t have believed it. It has its rough spots, but it’s also filled with talent. Hartford needs to send him to Paris for two years; then, if he continues to show promise, they should keep him there for three more.”

When he was gone Mrs. Clemens said:

When he left, Mrs. Clemens said:

“Youth, we won't wait for Hartford to do it. It would take too long. Let us send the Gerhardts to Paris ourselves, and say nothing about it to any one else.”

“Youth, we can't wait for Hartford to handle this. It would take too long. Let's send the Gerhardts to Paris ourselves, and keep it to ourselves.”

So the Gerhardts, provided with funds and an arrangement that would enable them to live for five years in Paris if necessary, were started across the sea without further delay.

So the Gerhardts, given the money and a plan that would let them live in Paris for five years if needed, set off across the ocean without wasting any time.

Clemens and his wife were often doing something of this sort. There was seldom a time that they were not paying the way of some young man or woman through college, or providing means and opportunity for development in some special field of industry.

Clemens and his wife often did things like this. There was rarely a time when they weren't funding a young man or woman through college or providing resources and opportunities for growth in a specific industry.





CXXXIV. LITERARY PROJECTS AND A MONUMENT TO ADAM

Mark Twain's literary work languished during this period. He had a world of plans, as usual, and wrote plentifully, but without direction or conclusion. “A Curious Experience,” which relates a circumstance told to him by an army officer, is about the most notable of the few completed manuscripts of this period.

Mark Twain's writing struggled during this time. He had a ton of ideas, as always, and wrote a lot, but it lacked focus and didn’t lead anywhere. “A Curious Experience,” which tells a story shared with him by an army officer, is about the most significant of the few finished manuscripts from this time.

Of the books projected (there were several), a burlesque manual of etiquette would seem to have been the most promising. Howells had faith in it, and of the still remaining fragments a few seem worth quoting:

Of the planned books (there were several), a humorous etiquette guide seemed to have the most potential. Howells believed in it, and of the remaining bits, a few seem worth quoting:

                     AT BILLIARDS

    If your ball glides along in the intense and immediate vicinity of
    the object-ball, and a count seems exquisitely imminent, lift one
    leg; then one shoulder; then squirm your body around in sympathy
    with the direction of the moving ball; and at the instant when the
    ball seems on the point of colliding throw up both of your arms
    violently. Your cue will probably break a chandelier, but no
    matter; you have done what you could to help the count.

                     AT THE DOG-FIGHT

    If it occur in your block, courteously give way to strangers
    desiring a view, particularly ladies.

    Avoid showing partiality toward the one dog, lest you hurt the
    feelings of the other one.

    Let your secret sympathies and your compassion be always with the
    under dog in the fight—this is magnanimity; but bet on the other
    one—this is business.

                     AT POKER

    If you draw to a flush and fail to fill, do not continue the
    conflict.

    If you hold a pair of trays, and your opponent is blind, and it
    costs you fifty to see him, let him remain unperceived.

    If you hold nothing but ace high, and by some means you know that
    the other man holds the rest of the aces, and he calls, excuse
    yourself; let him call again another time.

                     WALL STREET

    If you live in the country, buy at 80, sell at 40. Avoid all forms
    of eccentricity.

                     IN THE RESTAURANT

    When you wish to get the waiter's attention, do not sing out “Say!”
     Simply say “Szt!”
 
                     AT BILLIARDS

    If your ball is gliding close to the object-ball and a point seems really close, lift one leg; then one shoulder; then twist your body to match the direction of the moving ball; and at the moment when the ball looks like it’s about to hit, throw both your arms up violently. Your cue might break a chandelier, but that’s okay; you’ve done your best to help score.

                     AT THE DOG-FIGHT

    If it happens in your neighborhood, politely let strangers wanting to watch, especially women, have a view.

    Avoid showing favoritism towards one dog to spare the feelings of the other.

    Let your hidden support and compassion always be with the underdog in the fight—this is being generous; but place a bet on the other one—this is business.

                     AT POKER

    If you draw to a flush and don’t complete it, don’t keep playing.

    If you have a pair of threes, and your opponent is blind, and it costs you fifty to see him, let him stay unnoticed.

    If you only have ace high, and somehow you know that your opponent has all the other aces, and he calls, excuse yourself; let him call again another time.

                     WALL STREET

    If you live in the countryside, buy at 80, sell at 40. Stay away from all kinds of eccentric behavior.

                     IN THE RESTAURANT

    When you want to get the waiter's attention, don’t shout “Hey!” Just say “Szt!”

His old abandoned notion of “Hamlet” with an added burlesque character came back to him and stirred his enthusiasm anew, until even Howells manifested deep interest in the matter. One reflects how young Howells must have been in those days; how full of the joy of existence; also how mournfully he would consider such a sacrilege now.

His old, discarded idea of “Hamlet” with an added comedic character returned to him and reignited his enthusiasm, to the point where even Howells showed a strong interest in it. One thinks about how young Howells must have been back then; how full of life he was; and how sadly he would view such a sacrilege now.

Clemens proposed almost as many things to Howells as his brother Orion proposed to him. There was scarcely a letter that didn't contain some new idea, with a request for advice or co-operation. Now it was some book that he meant to write some day, and again it would be a something that he wanted Howells to write.

Clemens suggested nearly as many ideas to Howells as his brother Orion did to him. There was hardly a letter that didn’t include a new concept, along with a request for feedback or collaboration. One time it was a book he planned to write someday, and another time it was something he wanted Howells to write.

Once he urged Howells to make a play, or at least a novel, out of Orion. At another time he suggested as material the “Rightful Earl of Durham.”

Once he encouraged Howells to create a play, or at least a novel, based on Orion. At another time, he proposed the “Rightful Earl of Durham” as material.

      He is a perfectly stunning literary bonanza, and must be dug up and put on
      the market. You must get his entire biography out of him and have it ready
      for Osgood's magazine. Even if it isn't worth printing, you must have it
      anyway, and use it one of these days in one of your stories or in
a play.
    
      He is an absolutely amazing literary find, and you need to uncover him and showcase him. You have to get his full biography out of him and prepare it for Osgood's magazine. Even if it’s not worth publishing, you should still have it and use it someday in one of your stories or in a play.

It was this notion about 'The American Claimant' which somewhat later would lead to a collaboration with Howells on a drama, and eventually to a story of that title.

It was this idea about 'The American Claimant' that would later lead to a collaboration with Howells on a drama, and eventually to a story with that title.

But Clemens's chief interest at this time lay in publishing, rather than in writing. His association with Osgood inspired him to devise new ventures of profit. He planned a 'Library of American Humor', which Howells (soon to leave the Atlantic) and “Charley” Clark—[Charles Hopkins Clark, managing editor of the Hartford Courant.]—were to edit, and which Osgood would publish, for subscription sale. Without realizing it, Clemens was taking his first step toward becoming his own publisher. His contract with Osgood for 'The Prince and the Pauper' made him essentially that, for by the terms of it he agreed to supply all the money for the making of the book, and to pay Osgood a royalty of seven and one-half per cent. for selling it, reversing the usual conditions. The contract for the Library of Humor was to be a similar one, though in this case Osgood was to have a larger royalty return, and to share proportionately in the expense and risk. Mark Twain was entering into a field where he did not belong; where in the end he would harvest only disaster and regret.

But Clemens's main focus at this time was on publishing instead of writing. His partnership with Osgood motivated him to come up with new profitable ideas. He planned a 'Library of American Humor,' which Howells (who was about to leave the Atlantic) and “Charley” Clark—[Charles Hopkins Clark, managing editor of the Hartford Courant.]—were supposed to edit, and which Osgood would publish for subscription sales. Without realizing it, Clemens was taking his first step toward becoming his own publisher. His agreement with Osgood for 'The Prince and the Pauper' essentially made him that, because he agreed to cover all the costs of producing the book and pay Osgood a royalty of seven and a half percent for selling it, flipping the usual arrangement. The contract for the Library of Humor was meant to be similar, though in this case, Osgood was to receive a larger royalty and share the costs and risks proportionately. Mark Twain was stepping into a world where he didn't belong; ultimately, he would end up facing only disappointment and regret.

One curious project came to an end in 1881—the plan for a monument to Adam. In a sketch written a great many years later Mark Twain tells of the memorial which the Rev. Thomas K. Beecher and himself once proposed to erect to our great common ancestor. The story is based on a real incident. Clemens, in Elmira one day (it was October, 1879), heard of a jesting proposal made by F. G. Hall to erect a monument in Elmira to Adam. The idea promptly caught Mark Twain's fancy. He observed to Beecher that the human race really showed a pretty poor regard for its great progenitor, who was about to be deposed by Darwin's simian, not to pay him the tribute of a single monument. Mankind, he said, would probably accept the monkey ancestor, and in time the very name of Adam would be forgotten. He declared Mr. Hall's suggestion to be a sound idea.

One interesting project wrapped up in 1881—the plan for a monument to Adam. In a sketch written many years later, Mark Twain shares the story of the memorial that Rev. Thomas K. Beecher and he once planned to build for our great common ancestor. The tale is based on a true event. One day in Elmira (in October 1879), Clemens heard about a joking proposal by F. G. Hall to put up a monument to Adam in Elmira. The idea quickly piqued Mark Twain's interest. He pointed out to Beecher that humanity really didn't show much respect for its great ancestor, who was about to be replaced by Darwin's ape, without even honoring him with a single monument. He suggested that people would likely accept the monkey as their ancestor, and over time, the name Adam would be forgotten. He claimed Mr. Hall's idea was a solid one.

Beecher agreed that there were many reasons why a monument should be erected to Adam, and suggested that a subscription be started for the purpose. Certain business men, seeing an opportunity for advertising the city, took the matter semi-seriously, and offered to contribute large sums in the interest of the enterprise. Then it was agreed that Congress should be petitioned to sanction the idea exclusively to Elmira, prohibiting the erection of any such memorial elsewhere. A document to this effect was prepared, headed by F. G. Hall, and signed by other leading citizens of Elmira, including Beecher himself. General Joe Hawley came along just then on a political speech-making tour. Clemens introduced him, and Hawley, in turn, agreed to father the petition in Congress. What had begun merely as pleasantry began to have a formidable look.

Beecher agreed there were many reasons to build a monument for Adam and suggested starting a fundraising campaign for it. Some local businesspeople, seeing a chance to promote the city, took it somewhat seriously and offered to donate large amounts for the cause. Then, it was decided to ask Congress for approval to make Elmira the exclusive location for the monument, banning any similar memorials elsewhere. A document to this effect was prepared, led by F. G. Hall, and signed by other prominent citizens of Elmira, including Beecher himself. General Joe Hawley happened to be in town on a political speaking tour. Clemens introduced him, and Hawley agreed to support the petition in Congress. What had started as a lighthearted idea was starting to look quite serious.

But alas! in the end Hawley's courage had failed him. He began to hate his undertaking. He was afraid of the national laugh it would arouse, the jeers of the newspapers. It was certain to leak out that Mark Twain was behind it, in spite of the fact that his name nowhere appeared; that it was one of his colossal jokes. Now and then, in the privacy of his own room at night, Hawley would hunt up the Adam petition and read it and feel the cold sweat breaking out. He postponed the matter from one session to another till the summer of 1881, when he was about to sail for Europe. Then he gave the document to his wife, to turn over to Clemens, and ignominiously fled.

But unfortunately, in the end, Hawley lost his nerve. He started to dislike his project. He was worried about the national mockery it would provoke, the scorn from the newspapers. It was bound to get out that Mark Twain was involved, even though his name wasn’t mentioned anywhere; that it was one of his massive pranks. Occasionally, in the privacy of his own room at night, Hawley would pull out the Adam petition and read it, feeling cold sweat break out. He kept putting off the matter from one session to the next until the summer of 1881, when he was about to leave for Europe. Then, he handed the document to his wife to pass on to Clemens and shamefully ran away.

[For text of the petition in full, etc., see Appendix P, at the end of last volume.]

[For the full text of the petition, etc., see Appendix P, at the end of the last volume.]

Mark Twain's introduction of Hawley at Elmira contained this pleasantry: “General Hawley was president of the Centennial Commission. Was a gallant soldier in the war. He has been Governor of Connecticut, member of Congress, and was president of the convention that nominated Abraham Lincoln.”

Mark Twain's introduction of Hawley at Elmira included this lighthearted comment: “General Hawley was the president of the Centennial Commission. He was a brave soldier in the war. He has served as Governor of Connecticut, a member of Congress, and was the president of the convention that nominated Abraham Lincoln.”

General Hawley: “That nominated Grant.”

General Hawley: "That nominated Grant."

Twain: “He says it was Grant, but I know better. He is a member of my church at Hartford, and the author of 'Beautiful Snow.' Maybe he will deny that. But I am only here to give him a character from his last place. As a pure citizen, I respect him; as a personal friend of years, I have the warmest regard for him; as a neighbor whose vegetable garden joins mine, why—why, I watch him. That's nothing; we all do that with any neighbor. General Hawley keeps his promises, not only in private, but in public. He is an editor who believes what he writes in his own paper. As the author of 'Beautiful Snow' he added a new pang to winter. He is broad-souled, generous, noble, liberal, alive to his moral and religious responsibilities. Whenever the contribution-box was passed I never knew him to take out a cent.”

Twain: “He claims it was Grant, but I know otherwise. He’s a member of my church in Hartford and the author of 'Beautiful Snow.' He might deny that. But I’m just here to share his reputation from his last position. As a straightforward citizen, I respect him; as a longtime friend, I have the deepest affection for him; as a neighbor whose vegetable garden is next to mine, well—well, I keep an eye on him. That’s normal; we all do that with our neighbors. General Hawley keeps his promises, both in private and in public. He’s an editor who genuinely believes in what he writes in his own paper. As the author of 'Beautiful Snow,' he brought a new sorrow to winter. He’s kind-hearted, generous, honorable, open-minded, and aware of his moral and religious duties. Every time the donation box was passed around, I never saw him take a single cent out.”





CXXXV. A TRIP WITH SHERMAN AND AN INTERVIEW WITH GRANT.

The Army of the Potomac gave a dinner in Hartford on the 8th of June, 1881. But little memory remains of it now beyond Mark Twain's speech and a bill of fare containing original comments, ascribed to various revered authors, such as Johnson, Milton, and Carlyle. A pleasant incident followed, however, which Clemens himself used to relate. General Sherman attended the banquet, and Secretary of War, Robert Lincoln. Next morning Clemens and Twichell were leaving for West Point, where they were to address the military students, guests on the same special train on which Lincoln and Sherman had their private car. This car was at the end of the train, and when the two passengers reached the station, Sherman and Lincoln were out on the rear platform addressing the multitude. Clemens and Twichell went in and, taking seats, waited for them.

The Army of the Potomac held a dinner in Hartford on June 8, 1881. Now, not much is remembered about it except for Mark Twain's speech and a menu featuring original comments attributed to various famous authors like Johnson, Milton, and Carlyle. However, a nice incident happened afterward, which Clemens often shared. General Sherman was at the banquet, along with Secretary of War Robert Lincoln. The next morning, Clemens and Twichell were heading to West Point to speak to the military students, traveling on the same special train that had Lincoln and Sherman in their private car. This car was at the end of the train, and when the two of them arrived at the station, Sherman and Lincoln were on the rear platform speaking to the crowd. Clemens and Twichell went inside, took their seats, and waited for them.

As the speakers finished, the train started, but they still remained outside, bowing and waving to the assembled citizens, so that it was under good headway before they came in. Sherman came up to Clemens, who sat smoking unconcernedly.

As the speakers wrapped up, the train started moving, but they stayed outside, bowing and waving to the crowd of citizens, so it had gained quite a bit of speed before they got on. Sherman approached Clemens, who was sitting and smoking casually.

“Well,” he said, “who told you you could go in this car?”

“Well,” he said, “who said you could get in this car?”

“Nobody,” said Clemens.

“None,” said Clemens.

“Do you expect to pay extra fare?” asked Sherman.

“Are you expecting to pay an extra fare?” asked Sherman.

“No,” said Clemens. “I don't expect to pay any fare.”

“No,” said Clemens. “I don’t plan on paying any fare.”

“Oh, you don't. Then you'll work your way.”

“Oh, you don't? Then you'll figure it out on your own.”

Sherman took off his coat and military hat and made Clemens put them on.

Sherman took off his coat and military hat and made Clemens wear them.

“Now,” said he, “whenever the train stops you go out on the platform and represent me and make a speech.”

“Now,” he said, “whenever the train stops, you go out on the platform and represent me and give a speech.”

It was not long before the train stopped, and Clemens, according to orders, stepped out on the rear platform and bowed to the crowd. There was a cheer at the sight of his military uniform. Then the cheer waned, became a murmur of uncertainty, followed by an undertone of discussion. Presently somebody said:

It wasn't long before the train stopped, and Clemens, following orders, stepped out onto the back platform and waved to the crowd. There was a shout of excitement at the sight of his military uniform. Then the cheer faded, turning into a murmur of uncertainty, followed by a quiet buzz of conversation. Soon, someone said:

“Say, that ain't Sherman, that's Mark Twain,” which brought another cheer.

“Hey, that's not Sherman, that's Mark Twain,” which brought another cheer.

Then Sherman had to come out too, and the result was that both spoke. They kept this up at the different stations, and sometimes Lincoln came out with them. When there was time all three spoke, much to the satisfaction of their audiences.

Then Sherman had to come out too, and as a result, both spoke. They continued this at the different stations, and sometimes Lincoln joined them. When there was time, all three spoke, much to the audience's delight.

President Garfield was shot that summer—July 2, 1881.—[On the day that President Garfield was shot Mrs. Clemens received from their friend Reginald Cholmondeley a letter of condolence on the death of her husband in Australia; startling enough, though in reality rather comforting than otherwise, for the reason that the “Mark Twain” who had died in Australia was a very persistent impostor. Clemens wrote Cholmondeley: “Being dead I might be excused from writing letters, but I am not that kind of a corpse. May I never be so dead as to neglect the hail of a friend from a far land.” Out of this incident grew a feature of an anecdote related in Following the Equator the joke played by the man from Bendigo.]—He died September 19th, and Arthur came into power. There was a great feeling of uncertainty as to what he would do. He was regarded as “an excellent gentleman with a weakness for his friends.” Incumbents holding appointive offices were in a state of dread.

President Garfield was shot that summer—July 2, 1881.—[On the day President Garfield was shot, Mrs. Clemens received a condolence letter from their friend Reginald Cholmondeley about the death of her husband in Australia; it was startling, but actually kind of comforting because the “Mark Twain” who had died in Australia was a persistent impostor. Clemens wrote to Cholmondeley: “Being dead, I might be excused from writing letters, but I'm not that kind of corpse. May I never be so dead as to ignore the greeting of a friend from a faraway land.” This incident led to an anecdote in Following the Equator about the joke played by the man from Bendigo.]—He died on September 19th, and Arthur came into power. There was a lot of uncertainty about what he would do. He was seen as “an excellent gentleman with a weakness for his friends.” Those in appointive offices were filled with dread.

Howells's father was consul at Toronto, and, believing his place to be in danger, he appealed to his son. In his book Howells tells how, in turn, he appealed to Clemens, remembering his friendship with Grant and Grant's friendship with Arthur. He asked Clemens to write to Grant, but Clemens would hear of nothing less than a call on the General, during which the matter would be presented to him in person. Howells relates how the three of them lunched together, in a little room just out of the office, on baked beans and coffee, brought in from some near-by restaurant:

Howells's dad was the consul in Toronto, and feeling like his job was in jeopardy, he reached out to his son for help. In his book, Howells shares how he turned to Clemens, recalling his friendship with Grant and how Grant was friends with Arthur. He asked Clemens to write to Grant, but Clemens insisted on visiting the General in person to discuss the issue directly. Howells recounts how the three of them had lunch together in a small room just off the office, eating baked beans and coffee that they got from a nearby restaurant.

    The baked beans and coffee were of about the railroad-refreshment
    quality; but eating them with Grant was like sitting down to baked
    beans and coffee with Julius Caesar, or Alexander, or some other
    great Plutarchan captain.
    The baked beans and coffee were about the quality you'd expect from a train station snack; but sharing them with Grant felt like having baked beans and coffee with Julius Caesar, or Alexander, or some other legendary leader from Plutarch's stories.

Clemens, also recalling the interview, once added some interesting details:

Clemens, also remembering the interview, once shared some interesting details:

“I asked Grant if he wouldn't write a word on a card which Howells could carry to Washington and hand to the President. But, as usual, General Grant was his natural self—that is to say, ready and determined to do a great deal more for you than you could possibly ask him to do. He said he was going to Washington in a couple of days to dine with the President, and he would speak to him himself on the subject and make it a personal matter. Grant was in the humor to talk—he was always in a humor to talk when no strangers were present—he forced us to stay and take luncheon in a private room, and continued to talk all the time. It was baked beans, but how 'he sits and towers,' Howells said, quoting Dame. Grant remembered 'Squibob' Derby (John Phoenix) at West Point very well. He said that Derby was always drawing caricatures of the professors and playing jokes on every body. He told a thing which I had heard before but had never seen in print. A professor questioning a class concerning certain particulars of a possible siege said, 'Suppose a thousand men are besieging a fortress whose equipment of provisions is so-and-so; it is a military axiom that at the end of forty-five days the fort will surrender. Now, young men, if any of you were in command of such a fortress, how would you proceed?'

“I asked Grant if he could write a note on a card for Howells to take to Washington and give to the President. But, as always, General Grant was his usual self—that is to say, eager and ready to do much more for you than you might ever ask. He mentioned that he was going to Washington in a couple of days to have dinner with the President, and he would bring it up personally. Grant was in the mood to chat—he was always in the mood to talk when no strangers were around—he insisted that we stay and have lunch in a private room, and he kept talking the whole time. We had baked beans, but as Howells said, 'he sits and towers.' Grant remembered ‘Squibob’ Derby (John Phoenix) very well from West Point. He said that Derby was always sketching caricatures of the professors and playing pranks on everyone. He shared a story that I had heard before but had never seen written down. A professor, while questioning a class about the details of a potential siege, said, 'Suppose a thousand men are besieging a fortress with this equipment of provisions; it's a military principle that after forty-five days, the fort will surrender. Now, young men, if any of you were in charge of such a fortress, how would you handle it?'”

“Derby held up his hand in token that he had an answer for that question. He said, 'I would march out, let the enemy in, and at the end of forty-five days I would change places with him.'

“Derby raised his hand to indicate that he had an answer to that question. He said, 'I would march out, let the enemy in, and after forty-five days, I would switch places with him.'”

“I tried hard, during that interview, to get General Grant to agree to write his personal memoirs for publication, but he wouldn't listen to the suggestion. His inborn diffidence made him shrink from voluntarily coming before the public and placing himself under criticism as an author. He had no confidence in his ability to write well; whereas we all know now that he possessed an admirable literary gift and style. He was also sure that the book would have no sale, and of course that would be a humility too. I argued that the book would have an enormous sale, and that out of my experience I could save him from making unwise contracts with publishers, and would have the contract arranged in such a way that they could not swindle him, but he said he had no necessity for any addition to his income. Of course he could not foresee that he was camping on a volcano; that as Ward's partner he was a ruined man even then, and of course I had no suspicion that in four years from that time I would become his publisher. He would not agree to write his memoirs. He only said that some day he would make very full notes and leave them behind him, and then if his children chose to make them into a book they could do so. We came away then. He fulfilled his promise entirely concerning Howells's father, who held his office until he resigned of his own accord.”

“I tried hard during that interview to persuade General Grant to agree to write his personal memoirs for publication, but he wouldn’t consider the idea. His natural shyness made him hesitant to put himself in front of the public and face criticism as an author. He didn’t believe in his ability to write well; yet we all know now that he had a remarkable literary talent and style. He was also convinced that the book wouldn’t sell well, and that would bring him further humility. I argued that the book would have huge sales potential and that from my experience, I could help him avoid making unwise deals with publishers. I promised to arrange the contract in a way that would prevent them from cheating him, but he said he didn’t need any extra income. Of course, he couldn’t have seen that he was in a precarious situation; he was already financially doomed as Ward’s partner, and I had no idea that in four years, I would become his publisher. He wouldn’t agree to write his memoirs. He only mentioned that someday he would take very detailed notes and leave them behind, and if his children wanted to turn them into a book, they could. We left after that. He completely fulfilled his promise regarding Howells's father, who kept his position until he resigned on his own.”





CXXXVI. “THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER”

During the summer absence alterations were made in the Hartford home, with extensive decorations by Tiffany. The work was not completed when the family returned. Clemens wrote to Charles Warren Stoddard, then in the Sandwich Islands, that the place was full of carpenters and decorators, whereas what they really needed was “an incendiary.”

During the summer, changes were made to the Hartford home, featuring extensive decorations by Tiffany. The work wasn't finished when the family came back. Clemens wrote to Charles Warren Stoddard, who was in the Sandwich Islands at the time, saying that the place was full of carpenters and decorators, while what they really needed was “an incendiary.”

      If the house would only burn down we would pack up the cubs and fly to the
      isles of the blest, and shut ourselves up in the healing solitudes of the
      crater of Haleakala and get a good rest, for the mails do not intrude
      there, nor yet the telephone and the telegraph; and after resting we would
      come down the mountain a piece and board with a godly, breech-clouted
      native, and eat poi and dirt, and give thanks to whom all thanks belong
      for these privileges, and never housekeep any more.
    
If the house would just burn down, we would pack up the kids and fly to paradise, secluding ourselves in the peaceful solitude of the Haleakala crater and get some much-needed rest, since there are no mail deliveries, phones, or telegraphs there; after resting, we would come down the mountain a bit and stay with a kind, native person, eat poi and dirt, and give thanks to whoever deserves it for these blessings, and never have to clean a house again.

They had acquired more ground. One morning in the spring Mark Twain had looked out of his window just in time to see a man lift an ax to cut down a tree on the lot which lay between his own and that of his neighbor. He had heard that a house was to be built there; altogether too close to him for comfort and privacy. Leaning out of the window he called sonorously, “Woodman, spare that tree!” Then he hurried down, obtained a stay of proceedings, and without delay purchased the lot from the next-door neighbor who owned it, acquiring thereby one hundred feet of extra ground and a greenhouse which occupied it. It was a costly purchase; the owner knew he could demand his own price; he asked and received twelve thousand dollars for the strip.

They had gained more land. One spring morning, Mark Twain looked out of his window just in time to see a man lift an ax to chop down a tree on the lot between his property and his neighbor's. He had heard that a house was supposed to be built there, way too close for his comfort and privacy. Leaning out of the window, he called out, “Woodman, spare that tree!” He then hurried downstairs, got a halt to the chopping, and quickly bought the lot from the neighbor who owned it, gaining one hundred feet of extra land and a greenhouse that was on it. It was an expensive acquisition; the owner knew he could set his price and asked for twelve thousand dollars for the land.

In November, Clemens found that he must make another trip to Canada. 'The Prince and the Pauper' was ready for issue, and to insure Canadian copyright the author must cross the line in person. He did not enjoy the prospect of a cold-weather trip to the north, and tried to tempt Howells to go with him, but only succeeded in persuading Osgood, who would do anything or go anywhere that offered the opportunity for pleasant company and junket.

In November, Clemens discovered that he needed to make another trip to Canada. 'The Prince and the Pauper' was set to be published, and to secure Canadian copyright, the author had to cross the border in person. He wasn’t looking forward to a cold trip north and tried to convince Howells to join him, but he only managed to persuade Osgood, who would do anything or go anywhere for the chance to enjoy good company and a bit of fun.

It was by no means an unhappy fortnight. Clemens took a note-book, and there are plenty of items that give reality to that long-ago excursion. He found the Canadian girls so pretty that he records it as a relief now and then to see a plain one. On another page he tells how one night in the hotel a mouse gnawed and kept him awake, and how he got up and hunted for it, hoping to destroy it. He made a rebus picture for the children of this incident in a letter home.

It was definitely not a sad two weeks. Clemens brought along a notebook, and he noted many details that capture the essence of that trip long ago. He thought the Canadian girls were so beautiful that he mentioned feeling relieved every now and then to see an ordinary one. On another page, he wrote about one night in the hotel when a mouse gnawed and kept him awake, and how he got up and searched for it, hoping to catch it. He created a rebus picture for the kids in a letter home about this incident.

We get a glimpse just here of how he was constantly viewing himself as literary material—human material—an example from which some literary aspect or lesson may be drawn. Following the mouse adventure we find it thus dramatized:

We see here how he was always seeing himself as literary material—human material—something that could provide a literary insight or lesson. After the mouse adventure, we find this dramatized:

    Trace Father Brebeuf all through this trip, and when I am in a rage
    and can't endure the mouse be reading of Brebeuf's marvelous
    endurances and be shamed.

    And finally, after chasing the bright-eyed rascal several days, and
    throwing things and trying to jump on him when in my overshoes, he
    darts away with those same bright eyes, then straightway I read
    Brebeuf's magnificent martyrdom, and turn in, subdued and wondering.
    By and by the thought occurs to me, Brebeuf, with his good, great
    heart would spare even that poor humble mousie—and for his sake so
    will I—I will throw the trap in the fire—jump out of bed, reach
    under, fetch out the trap, and find him throttled there and not two
    minutes dead.
    I follow Father Brebeuf throughout this trip, and when I'm furious and can't stand it, I read about Brebeuf's incredible endurance and feel ashamed.

    Finally, after chasing the little bright-eyed troublemaker for several days, throwing things and trying to jump on him while wearing my overshoes, he dashes away with those same bright eyes. So I go straight to reading about Brebeuf's amazing martyrdom, and I settle down, feeling humbled and curious. Eventually, it occurs to me that Brebeuf, with his kind and noble heart, would even spare that poor little mouse—and for his sake, so will I—I’ll throw the trap into the fire—jump out of bed, reach under, pull out the trap, and find him caught and dead for not even two minutes.

They gave him a dinner in Montreal. Louis Frechette, the Canadian poet, was there and Clemens addressed him handsomely in the response he made to the speech of welcome. From that moment Frechette never ceased to adore Mark Twain, and visited him soon after the return to Hartford.

They hosted a dinner for him in Montreal. Louis Frechette, the Canadian poet, was there, and Clemens praised him warmly in his response to the welcome speech. From that moment on, Frechette never stopped admiring Mark Twain and visited him shortly after returning to Hartford.

'The Prince and the Pauper' was published in England, Canada, Germany, and America early in December, 1881. There had been no stint of money, and it was an extremely handsome book. The pen-and-ink drawings were really charming, and they were lavish as to number. It was an attractive volume from every standpoint, and it was properly dedicated “To those good-mannered and agreeable children, Susy and Clara Clemens.”

'The Prince and the Pauper' was published in England, Canada, Germany, and America in early December 1881. There was no shortage of funds, and it was a very beautiful book. The pen-and-ink illustrations were truly delightful, and there were many of them. It was an appealing book from every angle, and it was fittingly dedicated "To those well-mannered and pleasant children, Susy and Clara Clemens."

The story itself was totally unlike anything that Mark Twain had done before. Enough of its plan and purpose has been given in former chapters to make a synopsis of it unnecessary here. The story of the wandering prince and the pauper king—an impressive picture of ancient legal and regal cruelty—is as fine and consistent a tale as exists in the realm of pure romance. Unlike its great successor, the 'Yankee at King Arthur's Court', it never sacrifices the illusion to the burlesque, while through it all there runs a delicate vein of humor. Only here and there is there the slightest disillusion, and this mainly in the use of some ultra-modern phrase or word.

The story itself was completely different from anything Mark Twain had done before. Enough of its structure and purpose has been covered in previous chapters to make a summary unnecessary here. The tale of the wandering prince and the pauper king—an impressive portrayal of ancient legal and royal cruelty—is one of the finest and most cohesive stories in the world of pure romance. Unlike its great successor, 'A Yankee in King Arthur's Court', it never sacrifices the illusion for a parody, while throughout, there's a subtle thread of humor. Only occasionally is there a hint of disillusionment, mostly due to the use of some ultra-modern phrase or word.

Mark Twain never did any better writing than some of the splendid scenes in 'The Prince and the Pauper'. The picture of Old London Bridge; the scene in the vagabond's retreat, with its presentation to the little king of the wrongs inflicted by the laws of his realm; the episode of the jail where his revelation reaches a climax—these are but a few of the splendid pictures which the chapters portray, while the spectacle of England acquiring mercy at the hands of two children, a king and a beggar, is one which only genius could create. One might quote here, but to do so without the context would be to sacrifice atmosphere, half the story's charm. How breathlessly interesting is the tale of it! We may imagine that first little audience at Mark Twain's fireside hanging expectant on every paragraph, hungry always for more. Of all Mark Twain's longer works of fiction it is perhaps the most coherent as to plot, the most carefully thought out, the most perfect as to workmanship. This is not to say that it is his greatest story. Probably time will not give it that rank, but it comes near to being a perfectly constructed story, and it has an imperishable charm.

Mark Twain never did better writing than in some of the amazing scenes in 'The Prince and the Pauper.' The depiction of Old London Bridge, the scene in the beggar's hideout where the little king learns about the injustices imposed by his own laws, and the moment in the jail where his realization reaches its peak—these are just a few of the incredible images that the chapters illustrate. The sight of England receiving compassion from two children, a king and a beggar, is something only a genius could create. One could quote specific lines, but without the context, it would lose its atmosphere and half of the story's appeal. How gripping is the tale! We can imagine that first little audience at Mark Twain's fireside, eagerly hanging on every paragraph, always wanting more. Of all of Mark Twain's longer works of fiction, this is perhaps the most cohesive in terms of plot, the most meticulously crafted, and the most well-executed. This isn't to say it's his greatest story. Time might not give it that status, but it's very close to being a perfectly structured story, and it has an everlasting charm.

It was well received, though not always understood by the public. The reviewer was so accustomed to looking for the joke in Mark Twain's work, that he found it hard to estimate this new product. Some even went so far as to refer to it as one of Mark Twain's big jokes, meaning probably that he had created a chapter in English history with no foundation beyond his fancy. Of course these things pained the author of the book. At one time, he had been inclined to publish it anonymously, to avert this sort of misunderstanding, and sometimes now he regretted not having done so.

It was well received, although not always understood by the public. The reviewer was so used to looking for the humor in Mark Twain's work that he found it difficult to appreciate this new piece. Some even went as far as to call it one of Mark Twain's big jokes, probably suggesting that he had invented a chapter of English history with no basis other than his imagination. Naturally, these comments upset the author of the book. At one point, he had considered publishing it anonymously to avoid this kind of misunderstanding, and sometimes he regretted not going through with that plan.

Yet there were many gratifying notices. The New York Herald reviewer gave the new book two columns of finely intelligent appreciation. In part he said:

Yet there were many positive reviews. The New York Herald reviewer devoted two columns to the new book, providing a thoughtful and intelligent appreciation. He noted in part:

    To those who have followed the career of Mark Twain, his appearance
    as the author of a charming and noble romance is really no more of a
    surprise than to see a stately structure risen upon sightly ground
    owned by an architect of genius, with the resources of abundant
    building material and ample training at command. Of his capacity
    they have had no doubt, and they rejoice in his taking a step which
    they felt he was able to take. Through all his publications may be
    traced the marks of the path which half led up to this happy height.
    His humor has often been the cloak, but not the mask, of a sturdy
    purpose. His work has been characterized by a manly love of truth,
    a hatred of humbug, and a scorn for cant. A genial warmth and
    whole-souledness, a beautiful fancy, a fertile imagination, and a
    native feeling for the picturesque and a fine eye for color have
    afforded the basis of a style which has become more and more plastic
    and finished.
To those who have followed Mark Twain's career, his role as the author of a charming and noble romance is really no more surprising than seeing a magnificent building rise on beautiful land owned by a talented architect, equipped with plenty of materials and great training. They’ve never doubted his ability, and they’re happy he’s taken a step they knew he was capable of. In all his works, you can trace the signs of the journey that led up to this joyful achievement. His humor has often served as a cover, but not a disguise, for a strong purpose. His work has been marked by a sincere love of truth, a dislike for nonsense, and a disdain for pretentiousness. He brings a warm-heartedness and genuine spirit, a vivid imagination, and a natural talent for the picturesque and an eye for color, forming the foundation of a style that has become increasingly expressive and polished.

And in closing:

And to wrap up:

    The characters of these two boys, twins in spirit, will rank with
    the purest and loveliest creations of child-life in the realm of
    fiction.
    The personalities of these two boys, twins at heart, will stand alongside the most innocent and beautiful portrayals of childhood in the world of fiction.




CXXXVII. CERTAIN ATTACKS AND REPRISALS

Beyond the publication of The Prince and the Pauper Clemens was sparingly represented in print in '81. A chapter originally intended for the book, the “Whipping Boy's Story,” he gave to the Bazaar Budget, a little special-edition sheet printed in Hartford. It was the story of the 'Bull and the Bees' which he later adapted for use in Joan of Arc, the episode in which Joan's father rides a bull to a funeral. Howells found that it interfered with the action in the story of the Prince, and we might have spared it from the story of Joan, though hardly without regret.

Beyond the release of The Prince and the Pauper, Clemens was rarely seen in print in '81. A chapter initially meant for the book, the “Whipping Boy's Story,” was given to the Bazaar Budget, a special-edition publication printed in Hartford. It told the story of the 'Bull and the Bees,' which he later adapted for Joan of Arc, specifically the part where Joan's father rides a bull to a funeral. Howells believed it disrupted the flow of the Prince's story, and while we might have wished to exclude it from Joan's narrative, it would have been hard to do so without some regret.

The military story “A Curious Episode” was published in the Century Magazine for November. The fact that Clemens had heard, and not invented, the story was set forth quite definitely and fully in his opening paragraphs. Nevertheless, a “Captious Reader” thought it necessary to write to a New York publication concerning its origin:

The military story “A Curious Episode” was published in the Century Magazine for November. The fact that Clemens had heard, and not created, the story was clearly stated in his opening paragraphs. Still, a “Captious Reader” felt it was important to write to a New York publication about its origin:

    I am an admirer of the writings of Mr. Mark Twain, and consequently,
    when I saw the table of contents of the November number of the
    Century, I bought it and turned at once to the article bearing his
    name, and entitled, “A Curious Episode.” When I began to read it,
    it struck me as strangely familiar, and I soon recognized the story
    as a true one, told me in the summer of 1878 by an officer of the
    United States artillery. Query: Did Mr. Twain expect the public to
    credit this narrative to his clever brain?
    I really admire the writings of Mr. Mark Twain, so when I saw the table of contents for the November issue of the Century, I bought it right away and headed straight for the article with his name, titled, “A Curious Episode.” As I started reading it, it felt oddly familiar, and I quickly recognized the story as a true one that I had heard in the summer of 1878 from an officer in the United States artillery. I wonder: Did Mr. Twain think the public would believe this story was created by his brilliant mind?

The editor, seeing a chance for Mark Twain “copy,” forwarded a clipping to Clemens and asked him if he had anything to say in the matter. Clemens happened to know the editor very well, and he did have something to say, not for print, but for the editor's private ear.

The editor, noticing an opportunity for some "copy" from Mark Twain, sent a clipping to Clemens and asked if he wanted to respond. Clemens happened to know the editor quite well, and he did have something to say, not for publication, but for the editor's own knowledge.

    The newspaper custom of shooting a man in the back and then calling
    upon him to come out in a card and prove that he was not engaged in
    any infamy at the time is a good enough custom for those who think
    it justifiable. Your correspondent is not stupid, I judge, but
    purely and simply malicious. He knew there was not the shadow of a
    suggestion, from the beginning to the end of “A Curious Episode,”
     that the story was an invention; he knew he had no warrant for
    trying to persuade the public that I had stolen the narrative and
    was endeavoring to palm it off as a piece of literary invention; he
    also knew that he was asking his closing question with a base
    motive, else he would have asked it of me by letter, not spread it
    before the public.

    I have never wronged you in any way, and I think you had no right to
    print that communication; no right, neither any excuse. As to
    publicly answering that correspondent, I would as soon think of
    bandying words in public with any other prostitute.
    The newspaper habit of attacking someone and then demanding they prove they weren't doing anything wrong at the time is acceptable for those who find it justifiable. I don't believe your correspondent is stupid, but rather simply malicious. He knew there wasn't even a hint from start to finish of “A Curious Episode” that the story was made up; he knew he had no basis for convincing the public that I had stolen the narrative and was trying to pass it off as my own writing; he also knew that he was asking his final question with a harmful motive; otherwise, he would have asked me directly instead of putting it out for everyone to see.

    I have never wronged you in any way, and I think you had no right to print that message; no right and no excuse. As for publicly answering that correspondent, I might as well think about getting into a public argument with any other lowlife.

The editor replied in a manly, frank acknowledgment of error. He had not looked up the article itself in the Century before printing the communication.

The editor responded with a straightforward and confident admission of his mistake. He hadn't checked the article itself in the Century before publishing the communication.

    “Your letter has taught me a lesson,” he said. “The blame belongs
    to me for not hunting up the proofs. Please accept my apology.”
 
    “Your letter has taught me a lesson,” he said. “I take full responsibility for not checking the proofs. Please accept my apology.”

Mark Twain was likely to be peculiarly sensitive to printed innuendos. Not always. Sometimes he would only laugh at them or be wholly indifferent. Indeed, in his later years, he seldom cared to read anything about himself, one way or the other, but at the time of which we are now writing—the period of the early eighties—he was alive to any comment of the press. His strong sense of humor, and still stronger sense of human weakness, caused him to overlook many things which another might regard as an affront; but if the thing printed were merely an uncalled-for slur, an inexcusable imputation, he was inclined to rage and plan violence. Sometimes he conceived retribution in the form of libel suits with heavy damages. Sometimes he wrote blasting answers, which Mrs. Clemens would not let him print.

Mark Twain was likely to be particularly sensitive to subtle insults in print. Not always, though. Sometimes he would just laugh them off or not care at all. In fact, in his later years, he rarely bothered to read anything about himself, good or bad, but during the time we're discussing—the early eighties—he was very aware of any press commentary. His strong sense of humor, along with an even stronger awareness of human flaws, led him to ignore many things that others might see as an offense; however, if what was printed was just an unnecessary insult or an unjust accusation, he would become furious and think about retaliation. Sometimes he envisioned getting back at them through libel lawsuits seeking substantial damages. Other times, he wrote scathing responses that Mrs. Clemens wouldn’t allow him to publish.

At one time he planned a biography of a certain editor who seemed to be making a deliberate personal campaign against his happiness. Clemens had heard that offending items were being printed in this man's paper; friends, reporting with customary exaggeration, declared that these sneers and brutalities appeared almost daily, so often as to cause general remark.

At one point, he intended to write a biography of an editor who seemed to be intentionally trying to undermine his happiness. Clemens had heard that offensive content was being published in this man's newspaper; friends, as usual, reported with exaggeration, claiming that these jabs and harsh criticisms appeared almost every day, so frequently that it became a topic of general discussion.

This was enough. He promptly began to collect data—damaging data—relating to that editor's past history. He even set a man to work in England collecting information concerning his victim. One of his notebooks contains the memoranda; a few items will show how terrific was to be the onslaught.

This was sufficient. He quickly started gathering information—damaging information—about that editor's past. He even hired someone in England to collect details about his target. One of his notebooks has the notes; a few entries will demonstrate how intense the attack was going to be.

    When the naturalist finds a new kind of animal, he writes him up in
    the interest of science. No matter if it is an unpleasant animal.
    This is a new kind of animal, and in the cause of society must be
    written up. He is the polecat of our species.... He is
    purely and simply a Guiteau with the courage left out....

    Steel portraits of him as a sort of idiot, from infancy up—to a
    dozen scattered through the book—all should resemble him.
When a naturalist discovers a new type of animal, they document it for the sake of science. It doesn’t matter if the animal is unappealing. This is a new species, and for the benefit of society, it must be recorded. He is the polecat of our kind... He is simply a Guiteau with the bravery missing...

Steel portraits of him, depicted as a sort of simpleton, from childhood to adulthood—with a dozen spread throughout the book—should all look like him.

But never mind the rest. When he had got thoroughly interested in his project Mrs. Clemens, who had allowed the cyclone to wear itself out a little with its own vehemence, suggested that perhaps it would be well to have some one make an examination of the files of the paper and see just what had been said of him. So he subscribed for the paper himself and set a man to work on the back numbers. We will let him tell the conclusion of the matter himself, in his report of it to Howells:

But forget about everything else. Once he became really invested in his project, Mrs. Clemens, who had allowed the storm to calm down a bit, suggested that it might be a good idea to have someone check the paper's archives to see what had been said about him. So he subscribed to the paper himself and had someone go through the old issues. We'll let him share the conclusion himself in his report to Howells:

    The result arrived from my New York man this morning. Oh, what a
    pitiable wreck of high hopes! The “almost daily” assaults for two
    months consist of (1) adverse criticism of P. & P. from an enraged
    idiot in the London Athenaeum, (2) paragraphs from some indignant
    Englishman in the Pall Mall Gazette, who pays me the vast compliment
    of gravely rebuking some imaginary ass who has set me up in the
    neighborhood of Rabelais, (3) a remark about the Montreal dinner,
    touched with an almost invisible satire, and, (4) a remark about
    refusal of Canadian copyright, not complimentary, but not
    necessarily malicious; and of course adverse criticism which is not
    malicious is a thing which none but fools irritate themselves about.

    There, that is the prodigious bugaboo in its entirety! Can you
    conceive of a man's getting himself into a sweat over so diminutive
    a provocation? I am sure I can't. What the devil can those friends
    of mine have been thinking about to spread those three or four
    harmless things out into two months of daily sneers and affronts?

    Boiled down, this vast outpouring of malice amounts to simply this:
    one jest (one can make nothing more serious than that out of it).
    One jest, and that is all; for foreign criticisms do not count, they
    being matters of news, and proper for publication in anybody's
    newspaper....

    Well, my mountain has brought forth its mouse, and a sufficiently
    small mouse it is, God knows. And my three weeks' hard work has got
    to go into the ignominious pigeonhole. Confound it, I could have
    earned ten thousand dollars with infinitely less trouble.
The result came from my contact in New York this morning. Oh, what a sad collapse of high hopes! The "almost daily" attacks over the past two months include (1) harsh criticism of P. & P. from an angry fool in the London Athenaeum, (2) comments from some upset Englishman in the Pall Mall Gazette, who gives me the huge compliment of seriously scolding some imaginary person who has compared me to Rabelais, (3) a remark about the Montreal dinner, laced with an almost invisible sarcasm, and (4) a comment about the refusal of Canadian copyright, which isn't flattering but not necessarily malicious either; and of course, any criticism that isn’t malicious is something only fools let get to them.

There it is, the big scary boogeyman in its entirety! Can you even imagine someone getting all worked up over such a trivial provocation? I know I can’t. What could those friends of mine have been thinking to stretch those three or four harmless comments into two months of daily jabs and insults?

When you break it down, this huge wave of negativity boils down to simply this: one joke (you can’t make anything more serious out of it). One joke, and that’s it; because foreign criticism doesn’t matter, those are just news items, suitable for anyone’s newspaper...

Well, my mountain has produced its mouse, and it’s a pretty tiny mouse, that’s for sure. And my three weeks of hard work will end up in the shameful filing cabinet. Damn it, I could have made ten thousand dollars with way less effort.

Howells refers to this episode, and concludes:

Howells talks about this incident and concludes:

    So the paper was acquitted and the editor's life was spared. The
    wretch never, never knew how near he was to losing it, with
    incredible preliminaries of obloquy, and a subsequent devotion to
    lasting infamy.
    So the paper was cleared and the editor's life was saved. The poor guy never knew how close he was to losing it, facing terrible accusations and a later commitment to lasting disgrace.




CXXXVIII. MANY UNDERTAKINGS

To write a detailed biography of Mark Twain at this period would be to defy perusal. Even to set down all the interesting matters, interesting to the public of his time, would mean not only to exhaust the subject, but the reader. He lived at the top of his bent, and almost anything relating to him was regarded as news. Daily and hourly he mingled with important matters or spoke concerning them. A bare list of the interesting events of Mark Twain's life would fill a large volume.

Writing a detailed biography of Mark Twain during this time would be overwhelming. Even just covering all the captivating details that intrigued the public back then would not only exhaust the topic but also the reader. He lived life to the fullest, and nearly everything about him was seen as newsworthy. He constantly engaged with significant events or commented on them. A simple list of the fascinating events in Mark Twain's life could fill a large book.

He was so busy, so deeply interested himself, so vitally alive to every human aspect. He read the papers through, and there was always enough to arouse his indignation—the doings of the human race at large could be relied upon to do that—and he would write, and write, to relieve himself. His mental Niagara was always pouring away, turning out articles, essays, communications on every conceivable subject, mainly with the idea of reform. There were many public and private abuses, and he wanted to correct them all. He covered reams of paper with lurid heresies—political, religious, civic—for most of which there was no hope of publication.

He was incredibly busy, deeply engaged in everything, and completely aware of every human issue. He read the news thoroughly, which was always enough to spark his outrage—the actions of humanity consistently managed to do that—and he would write and write to express himself. His mind was like a never-ending waterfall, churning out articles, essays, and communications on every imaginable topic, mainly with the goal of reform. There were many social and personal injustices, and he aimed to fix them all. He filled pages with bold ideas—political, religious, civic—most of which had little chance of being published.

Now and then he was allowed to speak out: An order from the Post-office Department at Washington concerning the superscription of envelopes seemed to him unwarranted. He assailed it, and directly the nation was being entertained by a controversy between Mark Twain and the Postmaster-General's private secretary, who subsequently receded from the field. At another time, on the matter of postage rates he wrote a paper which began: “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

Every now and then he was given the chance to speak up: An order from the Post Office Department in Washington about how to address envelopes struck him as unnecessary. He challenged it, and soon the country was caught up in a debate between Mark Twain and the Postmaster General's private secretary, who eventually backed down. On another occasion, regarding postage rates, he wrote a paper that started: “Reader, imagine you were an idiot. And imagine you were a member of Congress. But I’m just repeating myself.”

It is hardly necessary to add that the paper did not appear.

It’s hardly worth mentioning that the paper never showed up.

On the whole, Clemens wrote his strictures more for relief than to print, and such of these papers as are preserved to-day form a curious collection of human documents. Many of them could be printed to-day, without distress to any one. The conditions that invited them are changed; the heresies are not heresies any more. He may have had some thought of their publication in later years, for once he wrote:

On the whole, Clemens wrote his criticisms more for his own relief than for publishing them, and the papers that still exist today make up an interesting collection of human experiences. Many of these could be printed today without causing any upset. The circumstances that prompted them have changed; the beliefs he questioned are no longer considered controversial. He might have thought about publishing them later on, as he once wrote:

    Sometimes my feelings are so hot that I have to take the pen and put
    them out on paper to keep them from setting me afire inside; then
    all that ink and labor are wasted because I can't print the result.
    I have just finished an article of this kind, and it satisfies me
    entirely. It does my weather-beaten soul good to read it, and
    admire the trouble it would make for me and the family. I will
    leave it behind and utter it from the grave. There is a free speech
    there, and no harm to the family.
    Sometimes my feelings are so intense that I have to grab a pen and put them down on paper to keep from being consumed by them; then all that ink and effort feel pointless because I can't share the outcome. I just finished a piece like this, and it completely satisfies me. It’s refreshing for my weary soul to read it and appreciate the trouble it might cause for me and my family. I'll leave it behind and let it speak from beyond the grave. There's a freedom in that expression, and no harm to my family.

It is too late and too soon to print most of these things; too late to print them for their salutary influence, too soon to print them as literature.

It’s too late and too soon to publish most of these things; too late to publish them for their positive impact, too soon to publish them as literature.

He was interested in everything: in music, as little as he knew of it. He had an ear for melody, a dramatic vision, and the poetic conception of sound. Reading some lilting lyric, he could fancy the words marching to melody, and would cast about among his friends for some one who could supply a tuneful setting. Once he wrote to his friend the Rev. Dr. Parker, who was a skilled musician, urging him to write a score for Tennyson's “Bugle Song,” outlining an attractive scheme for it which the order of his fancy had formulated. Dr. Parker replied that the “Bugle Song,” often attempted, had been the despair of many musicians.

He was interested in everything, including music, even though he didn’t know much about it. He had a good ear for melody, a vivid imagination, and a poetic sense of sound. While reading some catchy lyrics, he could imagine the words flowing to a tune and would look to his friends for someone who could create a musical arrangement. Once, he wrote to his friend, the Rev. Dr. Parker, who was a talented musician, encouraging him to compose a score for Tennyson's “Bugle Song,” detailing an appealing idea he had in mind. Dr. Parker responded that the “Bugle Song,” which many musicians had attempted, had frustrated quite a few of them.

He was interested in business affairs. Already, before the European trip, he had embarked in, and disembarked from, a number of pecuniary ventures. He had not been satisfied with a strictly literary income. The old tendency to speculative investment, acquired during those restless mining days, always possessed him. There were no silver mines in the East, no holes in the ground into which to empty money and effort; but there were plenty of equivalents—inventions, stock companies, and the like. He had begun by putting five thousand dollars into the American Publishing Company; but that was a sound and profitable venture, and deserves to be remembered for that reason.

He was interested in business matters. Even before his trip to Europe, he had started and ended several money-making ventures. He wasn’t content with just an income from writing. The old habit of speculative investing, which he had picked up during those restless mining days, still drove him. There weren’t any silver mines in the East, no holes in the ground to pour money and effort into; but there were plenty of alternatives—like inventions, stock companies, and more. He began by investing five thousand dollars in the American Publishing Company; that turned out to be a solid and profitable investment, and it deserves to be noted for that reason.

Then a man came along with a patent steam generator which would save ninety per cent. of the fuel energy, or some such amount, and Mark Twain was early persuaded that it would revolutionize the steam manufactures of the world; so he put in whatever bank surplus he had and bade it a permanent good-by.

Then a man showed up with a patented steam generator that claimed to save ninety percent of fuel energy, or something like that, and Mark Twain was quickly convinced it would change the steam manufacturing industry worldwide; so he invested all his extra money and said a permanent goodbye to it.

Following the steam generator came a steam pulley, a rather small contrivance, but it succeeded in extracting thirty-two thousand dollars from his bank account in a period of sixteen months.

After the steam generator came a steam pulley, which was quite small, but it managed to take thirty-two thousand dollars from his bank account in just sixteen months.

By the time he had accumulated a fresh balance, a new method of marine telegraphy was shown him, so he used it up on that, twenty-five thousand dollars being the price of this adventure.

By the time he had saved up a new balance, he was shown a new way of marine telegraphy, so he spent it on that, with twenty-five thousand dollars being the cost of this venture.

A watch company in western New York was ready to sell him a block of shares by the time he was prepared to experiment again, but it did not quite live to declare the first dividend on his investment.

A watch company in western New York was ready to sell him a block of shares by the time he was ready to experiment again, but it didn’t quite survive to declare the first dividend on his investment.

Senator John P. Jones invited him to join in the organization of an accident insurance company, and such was Jones's confidence in the venture that he guaranteed Clemens against loss. Mark Twain's only profit from this source was in the delivery of a delicious speech, which he made at a dinner given to Cornelius Walford, of London, an insurance author of repute. Jones was paying back the money presently, and about that time came a young inventor named Graham Bell, offering stock in a contrivance for carrying the human voice on an electric wire. At almost any other time Clemens would eagerly have welcomed this opportunity; but he was so gratified at having got his money out of the insurance venture that he refused to respond to the happy “hello” call of fortune. In some memoranda made thirty years later he said:

Senator John P. Jones invited him to help set up an accident insurance company, and Jones was so confident in the venture that he guaranteed Clemens against any losses. Mark Twain’s only gain from this was delivering a great speech at a dinner for Cornelius Walford, a well-known insurance author from London. Jones was paying back the money at that time, and around then a young inventor named Graham Bell came along, offering shares in a device to transmit the human voice over electric wires. Under different circumstances, Clemens would have jumped at this opportunity; however, he was so pleased to have gotten his money back from the insurance venture that he ignored the lucky “hello” call of fortune. In some notes he wrote thirty years later, he said:

      I declined. I said I didn't want anything more to do with wildcat
      speculation. Then he [Bell] offered the stock to me at twenty-five. I said
      I didn't want it at any price. He became eager; insisted that I take five
      hundred dollars' worth. He said he would sell me as much as I wanted for
      five hundred dollars; offered to let me gather it up in my hands and
      measure it in a plug hat; said I could have a whole hatful for five
      hundred dollars. But I was the burnt child, and I resisted all these
      temptations-resisted them easily; went off with my check intact, and next
      day lent five thousand of it, on an unendorsed note, to a friend who was
      going to go bankrupt three days later.
    
I said no. I told him I didn’t want anything to do with risky speculation anymore. Then he [Bell] offered me the stock for twenty-five. I said I didn’t want it at any price. He got really pushy, insisting that I take five hundred dollars' worth. He said he would sell me as much as I wanted for five hundred dollars; he even offered to let me scoop it up in my hands and measure it in a plug hat; claimed I could fill an entire hat for five hundred dollars. But I had learned my lesson, and I resisted all these temptations—easily. I left with my check still intact, and the next day, I lent five thousand of it, on an unendorsed note, to a friend who was about to go bankrupt three days later.
      About the end of the year I put up a telephone wire from my house down to
      the Courant office, the only telephone wire in town, and the first one
      that was ever used in a private house in the world.
    
      About the end of the year, I set up a telephone wire from my house to the Courant office, which was the only telephone wire in town and the first one ever used in a private home in the world.

That had been only a little while before he sailed for Europe. When he returned he would have been willing to accept a very trifling interest in the telephone industry for the amount of his insurance salvage.

That was only a short time before he left for Europe. When he came back, he would have been open to taking a very small stake in the telephone industry for the amount he got from his insurance claim.

He had a fresh interest in patents now, and when his old friend Dan Slote got hold of a new process for engraving—the kaolatype or “chalk-plate” process—which was going to revolutionize the world of illustration, he promptly acquired a third interest, and eventually was satisfied with nothing short of control. It was an ingenious process: a sheet of perfectly smooth steel was coated with a preparation of kaolin (or china clay), and a picture was engraved through the coating down to the steel surface. This formed the matrix into which the molten metal was poured to make the stereotype plate, or die, for printing. It was Clemens's notion that he could utilize this process for the casting of brass dies for stamping book covers—that, so applied, the fortunes to be made out of it would be larger and more numerous. Howells tells how, at one time, Clemens thought the “damned human race” was almost to be redeemed by a process of founding brass without air-bubbles in it. This was the time referred to and the race had to go unredeemed; for, after long, worried, costly experimenting, the brass refused to accommodate its nature to the new idea, while the chalk plate itself, with all its subsidiary and auxiliary possibilities, was infringed upon right and left, and the protecting patent failed to hold. The process was doomed, in any case. It was barely established before the photographic etching processes, superior in all ways, were developed and came quickly into use. The kaolatype enterprise struggled nobly for a considerable period. Clemens brought his niece's husband, young Charles L. Webster, from Fredonia to manage it for him, and backed it liberally. Webster was vigorous, hard-working, and capable; but the end of each month showed a deficit, until Clemens was from forty to fifty thousand dollars out of pocket in his effort to save the race with chalk and brass. The history of these several ventures (and there were others), dismissed here in a few paragraphs, would alone make a volume not without interest, certainly not without humor. Following came the type-setting machine, but we are not ready for that. Of necessity it is a longer, costlier story.

He was now really interested in patents, and when his old friend Dan Slote discovered a new engraving process—the kaolatype or “chalk-plate” method—that was set to change the illustration world, he quickly took a third interest in it, eventually wanting nothing less than full control. It was a clever process: a smooth steel sheet was covered with a kaolin (or china clay) preparation, and a picture was etched through the coating down to the steel. This created the matrix into which molten metal was poured to make the stereotype plate, or die, for printing. Clemens believed he could use this process to create brass dies for stamping book covers, thinking that the profits from this application would be greater and more plentiful. Howells mentions that, at one point, Clemens thought the “damned human race” was nearly going to be saved by a method of casting brass without air bubbles. Unfortunately, this era arrived, and the race remained unredeemed; after extensive, costly, and anxious experimentation, the brass refused to adapt to the new concept, while the chalk plate—with all its related possibilities—was infringed upon continuously, and the protective patent didn't hold up. The process was, in any case, destined to fail. It barely got off the ground before superior photographic etching processes were developed and quickly became common. The kaolatype venture struggled valiantly for quite some time. Clemens brought his niece's husband, young Charles L. Webster, from Fredonia to manage it for him and supported it generously. Webster was energetic, hardworking, and capable; however, by the end of each month, there was a deficit, leaving Clemens forty to fifty thousand dollars out of pocket in his attempt to save humanity with chalk and brass. The history of these various endeavors (and there were more) could easily fill a book that would certainly be interesting, and definitely humorous. Next came the type-setting machine, but we aren’t there yet. That story is necessarily longer and more expensive.

Mrs. Clemens did not share his enthusiasm in these various enterprises. She did not oppose them, at least not strenuously, but she did not encourage them. She did not see their need. Their home was beautiful; they were happy; he could do his work in deliberation and comfort. She knew the value of money better than he, cared more for it in her own way; but she had not his desire to heap up vast and sudden sums, to revel in torrential golden showers. She was willing to let well enough alone. Clemens could not do this, and suffered accordingly. In the midst of fair home surroundings and honors we find him writing to his mother:

Mrs. Clemens didn’t share his excitement about these various projects. She didn’t actively oppose them, at least not strongly, but she also didn’t encourage them. She didn’t see the point. Their home was beautiful; they were happy; he could do his work thoughtfully and comfortably. She understood the value of money better than he did, and cared about it in her own way, but she didn’t share his desire to accumulate large sums quickly or to bask in a flood of riches. She was content to leave things as they were. Clemens couldn’t do this, and it caused him distress. Even in the comfort of a nice home and accolades, we find him writing to his mother:

    Life has come to be a very serious matter with me. I have a
    badgered, harassed feeling a good part of my time. It comes mainly
    from business responsibilities and annoyances.
    Life has become a really serious issue for me. I often feel stressed and overwhelmed. This mainly comes from work responsibilities and frustrations.

He had no moral right to be connected with business at all. He had a large perception of business opportunity, but no vision of its requirements—its difficulties and details. He was the soul of honor, but in anything resembling practical direction he was but a child. During any period of business venture he was likely to be in hot water: eagerly excited, worried, impatient; alternately suspicious and over-trusting, rash, frenzied, and altogether upset.

He had no moral right to be involved in business at all. He had a keen sense of business opportunity, but no understanding of its requirements—its challenges and details. He was completely honorable, but in anything that required practical guidance, he was like a child. During any business venture, he was likely to find himself in trouble: eagerly excited, anxious, impatient; bouncing between suspicion and being overly trusting, reckless, frantic, and completely flustered.

Yet never, even to the end of his days, would he permanently lose faith in speculative ventures. Human traits are sometimes modified, but never eliminated. The man who is born to be a victim of misplaced confidence will continue to be one so long as he lives and there are men willing to victimize him. The man who believes in himself as an investor will uphold that faith against all disaster so long as he draws breath and has money to back his judgments.

Yet never, even until the end of his life, would he completely lose faith in risky ventures. Human traits can sometimes change, but they never disappear. A person who is destined to fall for misplaced trust will keep doing so as long as he lives and there are people ready to take advantage of him. The person who believes in himself as an investor will maintain that faith through any disaster as long as he’s alive and has money to support his decisions.





CXXXIX. FINANCIAL AND LITERARY

By a statement made on the 1st of January, 1882, of Mark Twain's disbursements for the preceding year, it is shown that considerably more than one hundred thousand dollars had been expended during that twelve months. It is a large sum for an author to pay out in one year. It would cramp most authors to do it, and it was not the best financing, even for Mark Twain. It required all that the books could earn, all the income from the various securities, and a fair sum from their principal. There is a good deal of biography in the statement. Of the amount expended forty-six thousand dollars represented investments; but of this comfortable sum less than five thousand dollars would cover the legitimate purchases; the rest had gone in the “ventures” from whose bourne no dollar would ever return. Also, a large sum had been spent for the additional land and for improvements on the home—somewhat more than thirty thousand dollars altogether—while the home life had become more lavish, the establishment had grown each year to a larger scale, the guests and entertainments had become more and more numerous, until the actual household expenditure required about as much as the books and securities could earn.

By a statement made on January 1, 1882, regarding Mark Twain's expenses for the previous year, it shows that he spent over one hundred thousand dollars during that twelve-month period. That's a significant amount for an author to spend in a year. It would strain most authors to do so, and it wasn't the best financial decision, even for Mark Twain. He needed all the earnings from his books, the income from various investments, and a substantial amount from their principal. There’s a lot of biography reflected in the statement. Of the total amount spent, forty-six thousand dollars was for investments; however, less than five thousand dollars of that was for legitimate purchases; the rest went into “ventures” that would never yield any return. Additionally, a large amount was spent on extra land and improvements on the home—over thirty thousand dollars in total—while home life had become more extravagant, the household expanded each year, and guests and events became increasingly frequent, to the point where the actual household expenses required nearly as much as what the books and investments could generate.

It was with the increased scale of living that Clemens had become especially eager for some source of commercial profit; something that would yield a return, not in paltry thousands, but hundreds of thousands. Like Colonel Sellers, he must have something with “millions in it.” Almost any proposition that seemed to offer these possible millions appealed to him, and in his imagination he saw the golden freshet pouring in.

It was with the larger lifestyle that Clemens became particularly eager for a source of commercial profit; something that would bring in not just a few thousand dollars, but hundreds of thousands. Like Colonel Sellers, he needed something with "millions in it." Almost any idea that appeared to offer these potential millions attracted him, and in his mind, he envisioned the steady stream of wealth flowing in.

His natural taste was for a simple, inexpensive life; yet in his large hospitality, and in a certain boyish love of grandeur, he gloried in the splendor of his entertainment, the admiration and delight of his guests. There were always guests; they were coming and going constantly. Clemens used to say that he proposed to establish a bus line between their house and the station for the accommodation of his company. He had the Southern hospitality. Much company appealed to a very large element in his strangely compounded nature. For the better portion of the year he was willing to pay the price of it, whether in money or in endurance, and Mrs. Clemens heroically did her part. She loved these things also, in her own way. She took pride in them, and realized that they were a part of his vast success. Yet in her heart she often longed for the simpler life—above all, for the farm life at Elmira. Her spirit cried out for the rest and comfort there. In one of her letters she says:

His natural preference was for a simple, low-cost life; yet in his generous hospitality and a certain youthful love of grandeur, he took pride in the splendor of his gatherings, winning the admiration and delight of his guests. There were always guests; they were constantly coming and going. Clemens used to joke that he wanted to set up a bus line between their house and the station for the convenience of his visitors. He embodied Southern hospitality. Having a lot of company suited a big part of his uniquely mixed personality. For most of the year, he was willing to pay the price for it, whether in money or in patience, and Mrs. Clemens heroically played her part. She enjoyed these things too, in her own way. She felt proud of them and recognized that they were part of his significant success. Yet deep down, she often yearned for a simpler life—especially for the farm life in Elmira. Her spirit longed for the peace and comfort found there. In one of her letters, she writes:

    The house has been full of company, and I have been “whirled
    around.” How can a body help it? Oh, I cannot help sighing for the
    peace and quiet of the farm. This is my work, and I know that I do
    very wrong when I feel chafed by it, but how can I be right about
    it? Sometimes it seems as if the simple sight of people would drive
    me mad. I am all wrong; if I would simply accept the fact that this
    is my work and let other things go, I know I should not be so
    fretted; but I want so much to do other things, to study and do
    things with the children, and I cannot.

    I have the best French teacher that I ever had, and if I could give
    any time to it I could not help learning French.
The house has been full of guests, and I've been completely overwhelmed. How can anyone help it? I just can't stop longing for the peace and quiet of the farm. This is my job, and I know it's wrong to feel frustrated by it, but how can I feel differently? Sometimes it seems like just seeing people drives me crazy. I know I’m not handling this properly; if I would just accept that this is my job and let everything else go, I wouldn’t be so stressed. But I want to do so many other things, like studying and spending time with the kids, and I can't.

I have the best French teacher I've ever had, and if I could find any time for it, I couldn't help but learn French.

When we reflect on the conditions, we are inclined to say how much better it would have been to have remained there among the hills in that quiet, inexpensive environment, to have let the world go. But that was not possible. The game was of far larger proportions than any that could be restricted to the limits of retirement and the simpler round of life. Mark Twain's realm had become too large for his court to be established in a cottage.

When we think about the situation, we feel tempted to say how much better it would have been to stay there among the hills in that peaceful, affordable setting, to have just let the world pass by. But that wasn't possible. The stakes were much higher than anything that could be confined to a life of retirement and simplicity. Mark Twain's domain had grown too vast for his kingdom to be based in a cottage.

It is hard to understand that in spite of a towering fame Mark Twain was still not regarded by certain American arbiters of reputations as a literary fixture; his work was not yet recognized by them as being of important meaning and serious purport.

It's difficult to grasp that despite his immense fame, Mark Twain was still not viewed by some American judges of reputation as a literary icon; they had yet to acknowledge his work as having significant meaning and serious intent.

In Boston, at that time still the Athens of America, he was enjoyed, delighted in; but he was not honored as being quite one of the elect. Howells tells us that:

In Boston, still known as the Athens of America at that time, he was appreciated and enjoyed, but not regarded as truly one of the elite. Howells tells us that:

    In proportion as people thought themselves refined they questioned
    that quality which all recognize in him now, but which was then the
    inspired knowledge of the simple-hearted multitude.
    As people considered themselves more sophisticated, they began to doubt that quality which everyone acknowledges in him today, but which at that time was the natural wisdom of the common folk.

Even at the Atlantic dinners his place was “below the salt”—a place of honor, but not of the greatest honor. He did not sit on the dais with Emerson, Longfellow, Holmes, Whittier, Howells, and Aldrich. We of a later period, who remember him always as the center of every board—the one supreme figure, his splendid head and crown of silver hair the target of every eye-find it hard to realize the Cambridge conservatism that clad him figuratively always in motley, and seated him lower than the throne itself.

Even at the Atlantic dinners, his place was “below the salt”—a position of honor, but not the highest honor. He didn’t sit on the platform with Emerson, Longfellow, Holmes, Whittier, Howells, and Aldrich. We who came later, remembering him always as the center of every gathering—the one standout figure, with his magnificent head and crown of silver hair capturing everyone’s attention—find it difficult to grasp the Cambridge conservatism that figuratively dressed him in motley and placed him lower than the throne itself.

Howells clearly resented this condition, and from random review corners had ventured heresy. Now in 1882 he seems to have determined to declare himself, in a large, free way, concerning his own personal estimate of Mark Twain. He prepared for the Century Magazine a biographical appreciation, in which he served notice to the world that Mark Twain's work, considered even as literature, was of very considerable importance indeed. Whether or not Howells then realized the “inspired knowledge of the multitude,” and that most of the nation outside of the counties of Suffolk and Essex already recognized his claim, is not material. Very likely he did; but he also realized the mental dusk of the cultured uninspired and his prerogative to enlighten them. His Century article was a kind of manifesto, a declaration of independence, no longer confined to the obscurities of certain book notices, where of course one might be expected to stretch friendly favor a little for a popular Atlantic contributor. In the open field of the Century Magazine Howells ventured to declare:

Howells clearly resented this situation and had ventured some controversial opinions from various review corners. By 1882, he seemed to have decided to openly express his personal view of Mark Twain. He wrote a biographical appreciation for the Century Magazine, in which he announced to the world that Mark Twain's work, even when viewed purely as literature, was indeed very important. Whether Howells realized the “inspired knowledge of the multitude” at that time, knowing that most of the nation outside of Suffolk and Essex already acknowledged Twain’s significance, isn’t crucial. He likely did, but he also understood the ignorance of the educated yet uninspired and felt it was his duty to enlighten them. His article in the Century was a sort of manifesto, a declaration of independence, no longer limited to the subtle nuances of certain book reviews where it was expected to slightly inflate support for a popular contributor to the Atlantic. In the open platform of the Century Magazine, Howells boldly declared:

    Mark Twain's humor is as simple in form and as direct as the
    statesmanship of Lincoln or the generalship of Grant.

    When I think how purely and wholly American it is I am a little
    puzzled at its universal acceptance.... Why, in fine, should
    an English chief-justice keep Mark Twain's books always at hand?
    Why should Darwin have gone to them for rest and refreshment at
    midnight, when spent with scientific research?

    I suppose that Mark Twain transcends all other American humorists in
    the universal qualities. He deals very little with the pathetic,
    which he nevertheless knows very well how to manage, as he has
    shown, notably in the true story of the old slave-mother; but there
    is a poetic lift in his work, even when he permits you to recognize
    it only as something satirized. There is always the touch of
    nature, the presence of a sincere and frank manliness in what he
    says, the companionship of a spirit which is at once delightfully
    open and deliciously shrewd. Elsewhere I have tried to persuade the
    reader that his humor is, at its best, the foamy break of the strong
    tide of earnestness in him. But it would be limiting him unjustly
    to describe him as a satirist, and it is hardly practicable to
    establish him in people's minds as a moralist; he has made them
    laugh too long; they will not believe him serious; they think some
    joke is always intended. This is the penalty, as Dr. Holmes has
    pointed out, of making one's first success as a humorist. There was
    a paper of Mark Twain's printed in the Atlantic Monthly some years
    ago and called, “The Facts Concerning the Late Carnival of Crime in
    Connecticut,” which ought to have won popular recognition of the
    ethical intelligence underlying his humor. It was, of course,
    funny; but under the fun it was an impassioned study of the human
    conscience. Hawthorne or Bunyan might have been proud to imagine
    that powerful allegory, which had a grotesque force far beyond
    either of them.... Yet it quite failed of the response I had hoped
    for it, and I shall not insist here upon Mark Twain as a moralist;
    though I warn the reader that if he leaves out of the account an
    indignant sense of right and wrong, a scorn of all affectations and
    pretense, an ardent hate of meanness and injustice, he will come
    infinitely short of knowing Mark Twain.
    Mark Twain's humor is as simple and straightforward as Lincoln's leadership or Grant's military strategy.

    When I think about how purely and completely American it is, I’m a bit confused by its worldwide appeal... Why should an English chief justice always keep Mark Twain's books close by? Why did Darwin turn to them for comfort late at night after long hours of scientific work?

    I guess Mark Twain stands out among American humorists because of his universal appeal. He doesn’t focus much on the sad side of things, even though he understands it well, as shown in the true story of the old slave mother. Yet there’s a poetic quality in his work, even if he only allows you to see it through satire. His writing always has a touch of nature, along with a genuine and straightforward manliness, alongside a spirit that is both refreshingly candid and cleverly perceptive. In other places, I’ve tried to convince readers that his best humor is just the frothy splash of his serious nature. But it would be unfair to limit him to being just a satirist, and it’s hard to have people see him as a moralist; he’s made them laugh for too long for them to take him seriously—they always assume he’s joking. This is the consequence, as Dr. Holmes pointed out, of achieving initial success as a humorist. There’s an article by Mark Twain that was published in the Atlantic Monthly a few years back called “The Facts Concerning the Late Carnival of Crime in Connecticut,” which should have gained him recognition for the ethical depth in his humor. It was funny, of course, but beneath the humor was a passionate examination of human conscience. Hawthorne or Bunyan might have been proud to have imagined that powerful allegory, which had a grotesque impact far beyond either of them... Yet it didn’t get the response I hoped for, and I won’t insist here on Mark Twain as a moralist; though I warn readers that if they overlook an outraged sense of right and wrong, a disdain for any pretense, and a strong hatred for meanness and injustice, they’ll miss a crucial part of understanding Mark Twain.

Howells realized the unwisdom and weakness of dogmatic insistence, and the strength of understatement. To him Mark Twain was already the moralist, the philosopher, and the statesman; he was willing that the reader should take his time to realize these things. The article, with his subject's portrait as a frontispiece, appeared in the Century for September, 1882. If it carried no new message to many of its readers, it at least set the stamp of official approval upon what they had already established in their hearts.

Howells recognized the foolishness and fragility of rigid insistence, as well as the power of understatement. To him, Mark Twain was already a moralist, philosopher, and statesman; he was content to let readers take their time to understand these aspects. The article, featuring a portrait of the subject as a frontispiece, was published in the Century for September 1882. While it may not have delivered a new message to many readers, it nonetheless confirmed what they had already accepted in their hearts.





CXL. DOWN THE RIVER

Osgood was doing no great things with The Prince and the Pauper, but Clemens gave him another book presently, a collection of sketches—The Stolen White Elephant. It was not an especially important volume, though some of the features, such as “Mrs. McWilliams and the Lightning” and the “Carnival of Crime,” are among the best of their sort, while the “Elephant” story is an amazingly good take-off on what might be called the spectacular detective. The interview between Inspector Blunt and the owner of the elephant is typical. The inspector asks:

Osgood wasn’t doing anything major with The Prince and the Pauper, but Clemens soon gave him another book, a collection of sketches—The Stolen White Elephant. It wasn’t a particularly important volume, although some of the pieces, like “Mrs. McWilliams and the Lightning” and the “Carnival of Crime,” are among the best of their kind, while the “Elephant” story is an impressively clever spoof of what could be called the dramatic detective. The conversation between Inspector Blunt and the elephant's owner is typical. The inspector asks:

    “Now what does this elephant eat, and how much?”

    “Well, as to what he eats—he will eat anything. He will eat a man,
    he will eat a Bible; he will eat anything between a man and a
    Bible.”

    “Good-very good, indeed, but too general. Details are necessary;
    details are the only valuable thing in our trade. Very well, as to
    men. At one meal—or, if you prefer, during one day—how many men
    will he eat if fresh?”

    “He would not care whether they were fresh or not; at a single meal
    he would eat five ordinary men.”

    “Very good; five men. We will put that down. What nationalities
    would he prefer?”

    “He is indifferent about nationalities. He prefers acquaintances,
    but is not prejudiced against strangers.”

    “Very good. Now, as to Bibles. How many Bibles would he eat at a
    meal?”

    “He would eat an entire edition.”
 
    “So, what does this elephant eat, and how much?”

    “Well, as for what he eats—he’ll eat anything. He’d eat a person,
    he’d eat a Bible; he’ll eat anything between a person and a
    Bible.”

    “Good—very good, indeed, but that’s too vague. We need specifics;
    details are the only valuable thing in our business. Alright, regarding
    people. In one meal—or, if you prefer, in one day—how many people
    would he eat if they were fresh?”

    “He wouldn’t care whether they were fresh or not; in one meal,
    he’d eat five average people.”

    “Very good; five people. We’ll note that down. What nationalities
    would he prefer?”

    “He doesn’t care about nationalities. He prefers people he knows,
    but he’s not biased against strangers.”

    “Very good. Now, regarding Bibles. How many Bibles would he eat in
    a meal?”

    “He would eat an entire edition.”

Clemens and Osgood had a more important publishing enterprise on hand. The long-deferred completion of the Mississippi book was to be accomplished; the long-deferred trip down the river was to be taken. Howells was going abroad, but the charming Osgood was willing to make the excursion, and a young man named Roswell Phelps, of Hartford, was engaged as a stenographer to take the notes.

Clemens and Osgood had a bigger publishing project in the works. They were finally going to finish the long-delayed Mississippi book; the long-awaited trip down the river was about to happen. Howells was heading overseas, but the delightful Osgood was up for the adventure, and a young man named Roswell Phelps from Hartford was hired as a stenographer to take notes.

Clemens made a farewell trip to Boston to see Howells before his departure, and together they went to Concord to call on Emerson; a fortunate thing, for he lived but a few weeks longer. They went again in the evening, not to see him, but to stand reverently outside and look at his house. This was in April. Longfellow had died in March. The fact that Howells was going away indefinitely, made them reminiscent and sad.

Clemens took a farewell trip to Boston to visit Howells before leaving, and together they went to Concord to see Emerson; it was a fortunate visit, as he lived just a few weeks longer. They returned in the evening, not to see him, but to stand respectfully outside and look at his house. This was in April. Longfellow had passed away in March. The reality that Howells was leaving for an indefinite time made them feel nostalgic and melancholic.

Just what breach Clemens committed during this visit is not remembered now, and it does not matter; but his letter to Howells, after his return to Hartford, makes it pretty clear that it was memorable enough at the time. Half-way in it he breaks out:

Just what mistake Clemens made during this visit isn't remembered now, and it doesn’t really matter; but his letter to Howells, after he got back to Hartford, makes it clear it was significant enough at the time. About halfway through, he suddenly exclaims:

    But oh, hell, there is no hope for a person that is built like me,
    because there is no cure, no cure.

    If I could only know when I have committed a crime: then I could
    conceal it, and not go stupidly dribbling it out, circumstance by
    circumstance, into the ears of a person who will give no sign till
    the confession is complete; and then the sudden damnation drops on a
    body like the released pile-driver, and he finds himself in the
    earth down to his chin. When he merely supposed he was being
    entertaining.
But oh, man, there's no hope for someone built like me, because there’s no remedy, no remedy.

If only I could tell when I've committed a wrongdoing: then I could hide it, instead of clumsily spilling it out, detail by detail, into the ears of someone who stays silent until I've confessed everything; and then the sudden devastation hits you like a heavy weight, and you find yourself buried up to your chin. All when you thought you were just being entertaining.

Next day he was off with Osgood and the stenographer for St. Louis, where they took the steamer Gold Dust down the river. He intended to travel under an assumed name, but was promptly recognized, both at the Southern Hotel and on the boat. In 'Life on the Mississippi' he has given us the atmosphere of his trip, with his new impressions of old scenes; also his first interview with the pilot, whom he did not remember, but who easily remembered him.

The next day, he left with Osgood and the stenographer for St. Louis, where they boarded the steamer Gold Dust to travel down the river. He planned to go by a fake name, but he was quickly recognized at both the Southern Hotel and on the boat. In 'Life on the Mississippi,' he shares the vibe of his trip, along with his fresh perspective on familiar sights; he also recounts his first meeting with the pilot, who he didn't remember, but who definitely remembered him.

“I did not write that story in the book quite as it happened,” he reflected once, many years later. “We went on board at night. Next morning I was up bright and early and out on deck to see if I could recognize any of the old landmarks. I could not remember any. I did not know where we were at all. It was a new river to me entirely. I climbed up in the pilot-house and there was a fellow of about forty at the wheel. I said 'Good morning.' He answered pleasantly enough. His face was entirely strange to me. Then I sat down on the high seat back of the wheel and looked out at the river and began to ask a few questions, such as a landsman would ask. He began, in the old way, to fill me up with the old lies, and I enjoyed letting him do it. Then suddenly he turned round to me and said:

“I didn’t write that story in the book exactly as it happened,” he thought one day, many years later. “We boarded at night. The next morning, I was up bright and early, out on deck to see if I could recognize any of the old landmarks. But I couldn’t remember any. I had no idea where we were. It was completely a new river to me. I climbed up into the pilot house and there was a guy about forty at the wheel. I said, 'Good morning.' He responded in a friendly way. His face was totally unfamiliar. Then I sat down on the high seat behind the wheel and looked out at the river, starting to ask a few questions like someone who’s not experienced would. He began, in the usual way, to fill me with the same old stories, and I enjoyed letting him do it. Then suddenly he turned to me and said:

“'I want to get a cup of coffee. You hold her, will you, till I come back?' And before I could say a word he was out of the pilot-house door and down the steps. It all came so suddenly that I sprang to the wheel, of course, as I would have done twenty years before. Then in a moment I realized my position. Here I was with a great big steamboat in the middle of the Mississippi River, without any further knowledge than that fact, and the pilot out of sight. I settled my mind on three conclusions: first, that the pilot might be a lunatic; second, that he had recognized me and thought I knew the river; third, that we were in a perfectly safe place, where I could not possibly kill the steamboat. But that last conclusion, though the most comforting, was an extremely doubtful one. I knew perfectly well that no sane pilot would trust his steamboat for a single moment in the hands of a greenhorn unless he were standing by the greenhorn's side. Of course, by force of habit, when I grabbed the wheel, I had taken the steering marks ahead and astern, and I made up my mind to hold her on those marks to the hair; but I could feel myself getting old and gray. Then all at once I recognized where we were; we were in what is called the Grand Chain—a succession of hidden rocks, one of the most dangerous places on the river. There were two rocks there only about seventy feet apart, and you've got to go exactly between them or wreck the boat. There was a time when I could have done it without a tremor, but that time wasn't now. I would have given any reasonable sum to have been on the shore just at that moment. I think I was about ready to drop dead when I heard a step on the pilothouse stair; then the door opened and the pilot came in, quietly picking his teeth, and took the wheel, and I crawled weakly back to the seat. He said:

“I want to grab a cup of coffee. Can you hold her until I get back?” And before I could say anything, he was out of the pilot house and down the steps. It all happened so quickly that I jumped to the wheel, just like I would have done twenty years ago. Then, in a moment, I realized my situation. Here I was with a huge steamboat in the middle of the Mississippi River, knowing nothing more than that, and the pilot was out of sight. I came to three conclusions: first, that the pilot might be crazy; second, that he recognized me and assumed I knew the river; third, that we were in a perfectly safe spot where I couldn’t possibly wreck the steamboat. But the last conclusion, though the most comforting, was quite uncertain. I knew very well that no sane pilot would leave his steamboat in the hands of a beginner without standing right next to him. Of course, out of habit, when I grabbed the wheel, I noted the steering marks ahead and behind, and I resolved to follow those marks exactly; but I could feel myself aging and graying. Then suddenly, I realized where we were; we were in what’s known as the Grand Chain—a series of hidden rocks, one of the most dangerous spots on the river. There were two rocks only about seventy feet apart, and you had to go precisely between them or wreck the boat. There was a time when I could have done it without a second thought, but that time wasn’t now. I would have given anything to be on the shore at that moment. I think I was about to faint when I heard a step on the pilothouse stairs; then the door opened, and the pilot came in, calmly picking his teeth, and took the wheel while I weakly crawled back to my seat. He said:

“'You thought you were playing a nice joke on me, didn't you? You thought I didn't know who you were. Why, I recognized that drawl of yours as soon as you opened your mouth.'

“'You thought you were pulling a funny prank on me, right? You thought I didn’t know who you were. Well, I recognized that accent of yours as soon as you started talking.'”

“I said, 'Who the h—l are you? I don't remember you.'

“I said, 'Who the hell are you? I don't remember you.'"

“'Well,' he said, 'perhaps you don't, but I was a cub pilot on the river before the war, when you were a licensed pilot, and I couldn't get a license when I was qualified for one, because the Pilots' Association was so strong at that time that they could keep new pilots out if they wanted to, and the law was that I had to be examined by two licensed pilots, and for a good while I could not get any one to make that examination. But one day you and another pilot offered to do it, and you put me through a good, healthy examination and indorsed my application for a license. I had never seen you before, and I have never seen you since until now, but I recognized you.'

"Well," he said, "maybe you don't remember, but I was a cub pilot on the river before the war, while you were already a licensed pilot. I couldn't get my license when I was qualified because the Pilots' Association was so powerful back then that they could block new pilots if they wanted to. The law required me to be examined by two licensed pilots, and for a long time, I couldn't find anyone willing to do that. But one day, you and another pilot agreed to help me out, and you gave me a thorough, solid examination and endorsed my license application. I had never seen you before, and I haven't seen you since until now, but I recognized you."

“'All right,' I said. 'But if I had gone half a mile farther with that steamboat we might have all been at the bottom of the river.'

“'All right,' I said. 'But if I had gone half a mile farther with that steamboat, we all might have ended up at the bottom of the river.'”

“We got to be good friends, of course, and I spent most of my time up there with him. When we got down below Cairo, and there was a big, full river—for it was highwater season and there was no danger of the boat hitting anything so long as she kept in the river—I had her most of the time on his watch. He would lie down and sleep, and leave me there to dream that the years had not slipped away; that there had been no war, no mining days, no literary adventures; that I was still a pilot, happy and care-free as I had been twenty years before.”

“We became really good friends, obviously, and I spent most of my time there with him. When we got down below Cairo and the river was big and full—since it was high water season and there was no risk of the boat hitting anything as long as we stayed in the river—I took over for most of his watch. He would lie down and sleep, leaving me there to dream that the years hadn't flown by; that there had been no war, no mining days, no literary adventures; that I was still a pilot, happy and carefree like I had been twenty years ago.”

From the book we gather that he could not keep out of the pilot-house. He was likely to get up at any hour of the night to stand his watch, and truly enough the years had slipped away. He was the young fellow in his twenties again, speculating on the problems of existence and reading his fortune in the stars. To heighten the illusion, he had himself called regularly with the four-o'clock watch, in order not to miss the mornings.—[It will repay the reader to turn to chap. xxx of Life on the Mississippi, and consider Mark Twain's word-picture of the river sunrise.]

From the book, we learn that he couldn't stay out of the pilot house. He was likely to get up at any hour of the night to do his shift, and it’s true that the years had gone by. He was once again the young guy in his twenties, pondering life's questions and reading his future in the stars. To enhance the illusion, he had himself regularly scheduled for the four-o'clock watch, so he wouldn't miss the mornings.—[It will be worth your time to check out chap. xxx of Life on the Mississippi and consider Mark Twain's description of the river at sunrise.]

The majesty and solitude of the river impressed him more than ever before, especially its solitude. It had been so full of life in his time; now it had returned once more to its primal loneliness—the loneliness of God.

The grandeur and isolation of the river struck him more than ever, especially its isolation. It had once been so vibrant during his time; now it had reverted to its original solitude—the solitude of God.

At one place two steamboats were in sight at once an unusual spectacle. Once, in the mouth of a river, he noticed a small boat, which he made out to be the Mark Twain. There had been varied changes in twenty-one years; only the old fascination of piloting remained unchanged. To Bixby afterward he wrote:

At one spot, two steamboats were visible at the same time, which was an unusual sight. Once, at the mouth of a river, he saw a small boat that he recognized as the Mark Twain. Over the span of twenty-one years, many things had changed; however, the old thrill of piloting remained the same. He later wrote to Bixby:

“I'd rather be a pilot than anything else I've ever done in my life. How do you run Plum Point?”

“I'd rather be a pilot than anything else I've ever done in my life. How do you manage Plum Point?”

He met Bixby at New Orleans. Bixby was captain now on a splendid new Anchor Line steamboat, the City of Baton Rouge. The Anchor Line steamers were the acme of Mississippi River steamboat-building, and they were about the end of it. They were imposingly magnificent, but they were only as gorgeous clouds that marked the sunset of Mississippi steamboat travel. Mark Twain made his trip down the river just in time.

He met Bixby in New Orleans. Bixby was now the captain of an impressive new Anchor Line steamboat, the City of Baton Rouge. The Anchor Line steamers were the height of Mississippi River steamboat design, and they were nearing the end of an era. They were strikingly beautiful, but they were just stunning clouds signaling the sunset of Mississippi steamboat travel. Mark Twain made his journey down the river just in time.

In New Orleans he met George W. Cable and Joel Chandler Harris, and they had a fraternizing good time together, mousing about the old French Quarter or mingling with the social life of the modern city. He made a trip with Bixby in a tug to the Warmouth plantation, and they reviewed old days together, as friends parted for twenty-one years will. Altogether the New Orleans sojourn was a pleasant one, saddened only by a newspaper notice of the death, in Edinburgh, of the kindly and gentle and beloved Dr. Brown.

In New Orleans, he met George W. Cable and Joel Chandler Harris, and they had a great time together, exploring the old French Quarter or engaging with the vibrant social scene of the modern city. He took a trip with Bixby on a tugboat to the Warmouth plantation, reminiscing about old times together, just like friends do after being apart for twenty-one years. All in all, the time spent in New Orleans was enjoyable, only slightly overshadowed by a newspaper announcement about the passing of the kind and beloved Dr. Brown in Edinburgh.

Clemens arranged to make the trip up the river on the Baton Rouge. Bixby had one pretty inefficient pilot, and stood most of the watches himself, so that with “Sam Clemens” in the pilot-house with him, it was wonderfully like those old first days of learning the river, back in the fifties.

Clemens planned to take a trip up the river on the Baton Rouge. Bixby had one rather ineffective pilot and handled most of the watches himself, so with “Sam Clemens” in the pilot house with him, it felt a lot like those early days of learning the river back in the fifties.

“Sam was ever making notes in his memorandum-book, just as he always did,” said Bixby to the writer, recalling the time. “I was sorry I had to stay at the wheel so much. I wanted to have more time with Sam without thinking of the river at all. Sam was sorry, too, from what he wrote after he got home.”

“Sam was always jotting down notes in his notebook, just like he usually did,” Bixby told the writer, remembering that time. “I felt bad I had to stay at the wheel so often. I wanted to spend more time with Sam without having to worry about the river at all. Sam felt the same way, based on what he wrote after he got back home.”

Bixby produced a letter in the familiar handwriting. It was a tender, heart-spoken letter:

Bixby pulled out a letter in the recognizable handwriting. It was a heartfelt, emotional letter:

    I didn't see half enough of you. It was a sore disappointment.
    Osgood could have told you, if he would—discreet old dog—I
    expected to have you with me all the time. Altogether, the most
    pleasant part of my visit with you was after we arrived in St.
    Louis, and you were your old natural self again. Twenty years have
    not added a month to your age or taken a fraction from your
    loveliness.
    I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with you. It was a big disappointment. Osgood could have told you, if he wanted to—discreet old guy—I thought I would have you with me the whole time. Honestly, the best part of my visit was after we got to St. Louis, and you were your usual charming self again. Twenty years haven't added a day to your age or taken away a bit from your beauty.

Said Bixby: “When we arrived in St. Louis we came to the Planters' Hotel; to this very table where you and I are sitting now, and we had a couple of hot Scotches between us, just as we have now, and we had a good last talk over old times and old acquaintances. After he returned to New York he sent for my picture. He wanted to use it in his book.”

Said Bixby: “When we got to St. Louis, we went to the Planters' Hotel; to this very table where you and I are sitting now, and we had a couple of hot Scotches just like we have now, and we had a nice last chat about old times and old friends. After he went back to New York, he asked for my picture. He wanted to use it in his book.”

At St. Louis the travelers changed boats, and proceeded up the Mississippi toward St. Paul. Clemens laid off three days at Hannibal.

At St. Louis, the travelers switched boats and continued up the Mississippi toward St. Paul. Clemens took three days off in Hannibal.

      Delightful days [he wrote home]. Loitering around all day long, examining
      the old localities, and talking with the gray heads who were boys and
      girls with me thirty or forty years ago. I spent my nights with John and
      Helen Garth, three miles from town, in their spacious and beautiful house.
      They were children with me, and afterward schoolmates. That world which I
      knew in its blooming youth is old and bowed and melancholy now; its soft
      cheeks are leathery and withered, the fire has gone out of its eyes, the
      spring from its step. It will be dust and ashes when I come again.
    
      Wonderful days [he wrote home]. Hanging out all day, exploring the old places, and chatting with the elders who were kids with me thirty or forty years ago. I spent my nights with John and Helen Garth, three miles from town, in their spacious and beautiful home. They were my childhood friends and later schoolmates. That world I once knew in its vibrant youth is now old, hunched over, and sad; its once-soft cheeks are rough and wrinkled, the spark has faded from its eyes, and the spring in its step is gone. It will be nothing but dust and ashes when I return.

He had never seen the far upper river, and he found it very satisfying. His note-book says:

He had never seen the upper stretch of the river, and he found it really satisfying. His notebook says:

    The bluffs all along up above St. Paul are exquisitely beautiful
    where the rough and broken turreted rocks stand up against the sky
    above the steep, verdant slopes. They are inexpressibly rich and
    mellow in color; soft dark browns mingled with dull greens—the very
    tints to make an artist worship.
    The cliffs above St. Paul are stunningly beautiful, where the jagged, tower-like rocks rise against the sky above the steep, green slopes. They are incredibly rich and warm in color; soft dark browns blend with muted greens—the perfect shades to inspire an artist.

In a final entry he wrote:

In a final entry, he wrote:

      The romance of boating is gone now. In Hannibal the steamboat man is no
      longer the god.
    
      The charm of boating is gone now. In Hannibal, the steamboat captain is no longer seen as a god.




CXLI. LITERATURE AND PHILOSOPHY

Clemens took a further step toward becoming a publisher on his own account. Not only did he contract to supply funds for the Mississippi book, but, as kaolatype, the chalk-engraving process, which had been lingeringly and expensively dying, was now become merely something to swear at, he had his niece's husband, Webster, installed as Osgood's New York subscription manager, with charge of the general agencies. There was no delay in this move. Webster must get well familiarized with the work before the Mississippi book's publication.

Clemens took another step toward becoming an independent publisher. Not only did he agree to fund the Mississippi book, but as for kaolatype, the chalk-engraving process that had been slowly and costly fading away, it was now just something to complain about. He had his niece's husband, Webster, appointed as Osgood's New York subscription manager, overseeing the general agencies. This move was quick. Webster needed to get well acquainted with the work before the Mississippi book was published.

He had expected to have the manuscript finished pretty promptly, but the fact that he had promised it for a certain time paralyzed his effort. Even at the farm he worked without making much headway. At the end of October he wrote Howells:

He expected to finish the manuscript pretty quickly, but the fact that he had promised it by a certain date actually froze his progress. Even at the farm, he worked without making much progress. By the end of October, he wrote to Howells:

    The weather turned cold, and we had to rush home, while I still
    lacked thirty thousand words. I had been sick and got delayed. I
    am going to write all day and two-thirds of the night until the
    thing is done or break down at it. The spur and burden of the
    contract are intolerable to me. I can endure the irritation of it
    no longer. I went to work at nine o'clock yesterday morning and
    went to bed an hour after midnight. Result of the day (mainly
    stolen from books though credit given), 9,500 words, so I reduced my
    burden by one-third in one day. It was five days' work in one. I
    have nothing more to borrow or steal; the rest must all be written.
    It is ten days' work and unless something breaks it will be finished
    in five.
The weather got chilly, and we had to hurry home, while I still needed thirty thousand words. I had been sick and got delayed. I’m planning to write all day and two-thirds of the night until it’s done or I collapse. The pressure and weight of the contract are driving me crazy. I can't handle the stress anymore. I started working at nine o'clock yesterday morning and went to bed an hour after midnight. As a result of the day (mostly taken from books with credit given), I wrote 9,500 words, so I cut my load down by a third in just one day. That was like five days' work in one. I have nothing left to borrow or steal; the rest has to be written. It’s ten days' work, and unless something goes wrong, it will be finished in five.

He had sworn once, when he had finally finished 'A Tramp Abroad', that he would never limit himself as to time again. But he had forgotten that vow, and was suffering accordingly.

He had promised himself once, after he finally finished 'A Tramp Abroad', that he would never restrict himself by time again. But he had forgotten that promise, and was paying the price.

Howells wrote from London urging him to drop everything and come over to Europe for refreshment.

Howells wrote from London, urging him to drop everything and come to Europe for a break.

    We have seen lots of nice people, and have been most pleasantly made
    of; but I would rather have you smoke in my face and talk for half a
    day, just for pleasure, than to go to the best house or club in
    London.
    We’ve met a lot of great people and have enjoyed their company; but I’d prefer if you smoked in my face and chatted for half a day just for fun rather than going to the best house or club in London.

Clemens answered:

Clemens replied:

    Yes, it would be more profitable to me to do that because, with your
    society to help me, I should swiftly finish this now apparently
    interminable book. But I cannot come, because I am not boss here,
    and nothing but dynamite can move Mrs. Clemens away from home in the
    winter season.
    Yes, it would be more beneficial for me to do that because, with your
    support, I should quickly finish this seemingly endless book. But I can't come, because I'm not in charge here,
    and nothing but explosives can get Mrs. Clemens to leave home in the winter.

This was in November, and he had broken all restrictions as to time. He declared that he had never had such a fight over any book before, and that he had told Osgood and everybody concerned that they must wait.

This was in November, and he had ignored all time limits. He said he had never had such a struggle over any book before, and that he had informed Osgood and everyone involved that they needed to wait.

    I have said with sufficient positiveness that I will finish the book
    at no particular date; that I will not hurry it; that I will not
    hurry myself; that I will take things easy and comfortably—write
    when I choose to write, leave it alone when I do so prefer...
    I have got everything at a dead standstill, and that is where it
    ought to be, and that is where it must remain; to follow any other
    policy would be to make the book worse than it already is. I ought
    to have finished it before showing it to anybody, and then sent it
    across the ocean to you to be edited, as usual; for you seem to be a
    great many shades happier than you deserve to be, and if I had
    thought of this thing earlier I would have acted upon it and taken
    the tuck somewhat out of your joyousness.
I’ve clearly stated that I will finish the book whenever I feel like it; that I won’t rush it; that I won’t rush myself; that I’ll take my time and write when I feel like writing, and set it aside when I prefer to do so... I’ve got everything on hold, and that’s exactly where it should be, and that’s where it has to stay; following any other approach would only make the book worse than it already is. I should have finished it before showing it to anyone, then sent it over to you for editing, as usual; because you seem to be way happier than you deserve to be, and if I had thought of this earlier, I would have acted on it and taken some of the joy out of your happiness.

It was a long, heartfelt letter. Near the end of it he said:

It was a long, sincere letter. Towards the end, he wrote:

    Cable has been here, creating worshipers on all hands. He is a
    marvelous talker on a deep subject. I do not see how even Spencer
    could unwind a thought more smoothly or orderly, and do it in
    cleaner, clearer, crisper English. He astounded Twichell with his
    faculty. You know that when it comes down to moral honesty, limpid
    innocence, and utterly blemishless piety, the apostles were mere
    policemen to Cable; so with this in mind you must imagine him at a
    midnight dinner in Boston the other night, where we gathered around
    the board of the Summerset Club: Osgood full, Boyle O'Reilly full,
    Fairchild responsively loaded, and Aldrich and myself possessing the
    floor and properly fortified. Cable told Mrs. Clemens, when he
    returned here, that he seemed to have been entertaining himself with
    horses, and had a dreamy idea that he must have gone to Boston in a
    cattle-car. It was a very large time. He called it an orgy. And
    no doubt it was, viewed from his standpoint.
    Cable has been here, gaining admirers all around. He’s an incredible speaker on a complex topic. I can't see how even Spencer could express an idea more smoothly or logically, and do it in cleaner, clearer, more precise English. He amazed Twichell with his ability. You know that when it comes to moral integrity, pure innocence, and totally flawless piety, the apostles looked like minor figures compared to Cable; so keeping that in mind, you should picture him at a late-night dinner in Boston the other night, where we gathered at the Summerset Club: Osgood completely inebriated, Boyle O'Reilly fully loaded, Fairchild somewhat tipsy, and Aldrich and I holding the floor and well-prepared. Cable told Mrs. Clemens when he got back here that he felt like he had been entertaining himself with horses, and had a hazy idea that he must have traveled to Boston in a cattle car. It was a very significant time. He referred to it as an orgy. And no doubt, from his perspective, it was.

Osgood wanted Mark Twain to lecture that fall, as preliminary advertising for the book, with “Life on the Mississippi” as his subject. Osgood was careful to make this proposition by mail, and probably it was just as well; for if there was any single straw that could have broken the back of Clemens's endurance and made him violent at this particular time, it was a proposition to go back on the platform. His answer to Osgood has not been preserved.

Osgood wanted Mark Twain to give a lecture that fall as a way to promote the book, using “Life on the Mississippi” as his topic. Osgood made sure to send this suggestion by mail, and that was probably for the best; because if there was anything that could have pushed Clemens to his limit and made him angry at that moment, it was the idea of returning to the stage. His response to Osgood hasn’t been kept.

Clemens spoke little that winter. In February he addressed the Monday Evening Club on “What is Happiness?” presenting a theory which in later years he developed as a part of his “gospel,” and promulgated in a privately printed volume, 'What is Man'? It is the postulate already mentioned in connection with his reading of Lecky, that every human action, bad or good, is the result of a selfish impulse; that is to say, the result of a desire for the greater content of spirit. It is not a new idea; philosophers in all ages have considered it, and accepted or rejected it, according to their temperament and teachings, but it was startling and apparently new to the Monday Evening Club. They scoffed and jeered at it; denounced it as a manifest falsity. They did not quite see then that there may be two sorts of selfishness—brutal and divine; that he who sacrifices others to himself exemplifies the first, whereas he who sacrifices himself for others personifies the second—the divine contenting of his soul by serving the happiness of his fellow-men. Mark Twain left this admonition in furtherance of that better sort:

Clemens didn’t say much that winter. In February, he spoke to the Monday Evening Club about “What is Happiness?” sharing a theory that he would later expand as part of his “gospel,” which he published privately in a book titled 'What is Man'? It is the idea previously mentioned regarding his reading of Lecky: that every human action, whether good or bad, stems from a selfish impulse; in other words, it arises from a desire for greater spiritual fulfillment. This isn’t a new concept; philosophers throughout history have pondered it, either agreeing or disagreeing based on their beliefs and teachings. However, it seemed shocking and entirely new to the Monday Evening Club. They mocked and ridiculed it, declaring it obviously false. They didn’t quite grasp at the time that there are two types of selfishness—brutal and divine; that the person who sacrifices others for their own gain exemplifies the first, while the one who sacrifices themselves for the sake of others symbolizes the second—finding divine satisfaction by promoting the happiness of others. Mark Twain left this message to encourage that higher form of selfishness:

“Diligently train your ideals upward, and still upward, toward a summit where you will find your chiefest pleasure, in conduct which, while contenting you, will be sure to confer benefits upon your neighbor and the community.”

“Consistently work on your ideals, aiming higher and higher, until you reach a point where you'll discover your greatest joy in actions that not only satisfy you but also benefit those around you and the community.”

It is a divine admonition, even if, in its suggested moral freedom, it does seem to conflict with that other theory—the inevitable sequence of cause and effect, descending from the primal atom. There is seeming irrelevance in introducing this matter here; but it has a chronological relation, and it presents a mental aspect of the time. Clemens was forty-eight, and becoming more and more the philosopher; also, in logic at least, a good deal of a pessimist. He made a birthday aphorism on the subject:

It’s a divine warning, even though, in its encouragement of moral freedom, it appears to clash with the other idea—the unchangeable chain of cause and effect that comes from the original atom. It might seem irrelevant to bring this up here, but it is chronologically related and reflects the mindset of the time. Clemens was forty-eight and increasingly becoming a philosopher; in terms of logic, he was quite a pessimist too. He created a birthday saying on the topic:

“The man who is a pessimist before he is forty-eight knows too much; the man who is an optimist after he is forty-eight knows too little.”

“The man who is a pessimist before he turns forty-eight knows too much; the man who is an optimist after he hits forty-eight knows too little.”

He was never more than a pessimist in theory at any time. In practice he would be a visionary; a builder of dreams and fortunes, a veritable Colonel Sellers to the end of his days.

He was never really more than a pessimist in theory. In reality, he was a visionary; a creator of dreams and wealth, a true Colonel Sellers until the end of his days.





CXLII. “LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI”

The Mississippi book was completed at last and placed in Osgood's hands for publication. Clemens was immensely fond of Osgood. Osgood would come down to Hartford and spend days discussing plans and playing billiards, which to Mark Twain's mind was the proper way to conduct business. Besides, there was Webster, who by this time, or a very little later, had the word “publisher” printed in his letter-heads, and was truly that, so far as the new book was concerned. Osgood had become little more than its manufacturer, shipping-agent, and accountant. It should be added that he made the book well, though somewhat expensively. He was unaccustomed to getting out big subscription volumes. His taste ran to the artistic, expensive product.

The Mississippi book was finally finished and handed over to Osgood for publication. Clemens really liked Osgood. Osgood would come down to Hartford and spend days discussing plans and playing billiards, which Mark Twain thought was the right way to do business. Then there was Webster, who by this time, or a bit later, had "publisher" printed on his letterhead and was truly that when it came to the new book. Osgood had become mostly its producer, shipping agent, and accountant. It should be noted that he produced the book well, though a bit on the expensive side. He wasn't used to handling large subscription volumes. His taste leaned towards artistic, high-end products.

“That book cost me fifty thousand dollars to make,” Clemens once declared. “Bliss could have built a whole library, for that sum. But Osgood was a lovely fellow.”

“That book cost me fifty thousand dollars to make,” Clemens once declared. “Bliss could have built an entire library for that amount. But Osgood was a great guy.”

Life on the Mississippi was issued about the middle of May. It was a handsome book of its kind and a successful book, but not immediately a profitable one, because of the manner of its issue. It was experimental, and experiments are likely to be costly, even when successful in the final result.

Life on the Mississippi was released around mid-May. It was a beautiful book of its type and became successful, but it didn't turn a profit right away because of how it was published. It was an experiment, and experiments can be expensive, even when they ultimately succeed.

Among other things, it pronounced the final doom of kaolatype. The artists who drew the pictures for it declined to draw them if they were to be reproduced by that process, or indeed unless some one of the lately discovered photographic processes was used. Furthermore, the latter were much cheaper, and it was to the advantage of Clemens himself to repudiate kaolatype, even for his own work.

Among other things, it marked the end of kaolatype. The artists who illustrated it refused to create images if they were going to be reproduced using that method, or unless one of the recently discovered photographic techniques was employed. Additionally, those newer methods were significantly cheaper, and it benefitted Clemens himself to dismiss kaolatype, even for his own projects.

Webster was ordered to wind up the last ends of the engraving business with as little sacrifice as possible, and attend entirely to more profitable affairs—viz., the distribution of books.

Webster was instructed to wrap up the final details of the engraving business with minimal losses and focus entirely on more profitable ventures—specifically, the distribution of books.

As literature, the Mississippi book will rank with Mark Twain's best—so far, at least, as the first twenty chapters of it are concerned. Earlier in this history these have been sufficiently commented upon. They constitute a literary memorial seemingly as enduring as the river itself.

As literature, the Mississippi book will stand alongside Mark Twain's best—at least for the first twenty chapters. Earlier in this history, these have been discussed enough. They form a literary tribute that seems just as lasting as the river itself.

Concerning the remaining chapters of the book, they are also literature, but of a different class. The difference is about the same as that between 'A Tramp Abroad' and the 'Innocents'. It is the difference between the labors of love and duty; between art and industry, literature and journalism.

Regarding the remaining chapters of the book, they're also literature, but of a different kind. The difference is similar to that between 'A Tramp Abroad' and 'The Innocents.' It's the distinction between the efforts of love and obligation; between art and commerce, literature and journalism.

But the last is hardly fair. It is journalism, but it is literary journalism, and there are unquestionably areas that are purely literary, and not journalistic at all. There would always be those in any book of travel he might write. The story of the river revisited is an interesting theme; and if the revisiting had been done, let us say eight or ten years earlier, before he had become a theoretical pessimist, and before the river itself had become a background for pessimism, the tale might have had more of the literary glamour and illusion, even if less that is otherwise valuable.

But the last point isn’t really fair. It’s journalism, but it’s literary journalism, and there are definitely parts that are purely literary and not journalistic at all. There would always be those in any travel book he might write. The story of the revisited river is an interesting theme; and if he had revisited it, let’s say eight or ten years earlier, before he became a theoretical pessimist, and before the river itself became a backdrop for pessimism, the tale might have had more literary charm and illusion, even if it had less of other kinds of value.

'Life on the Mississippi' has been always popular in Germany. The Emperor William of Germany once assured Mark Twain that it was his favorite American book, and on the same evening the portier of the author's lodging in Berlin echoed the Emperor's opinion.

'Life on the Mississippi' has always been popular in Germany. Emperor William of Germany once told Mark Twain that it was his favorite American book, and that same evening, the porter at the author’s lodging in Berlin echoed the Emperor’s sentiment.

Paul Lindau, a distinguished German author and critic, in an interview at the time the Mississippi book appeared, spoke of the general delight of his countrymen in its author. When he was asked, “But have not the Germans been offended by Mark Twain's strictures on their customs and language in his 'Tramp Abroad'?” he replied, “We know what we are and how we look, and the fanciful picture presented to our eyes gives us only food for laughter, not cause for resentment. The jokes he made on our long words, our inverted sentences, and the position of the verb have really led to a reform in style which will end in making our language as compact and crisp as the French or English. I regard Mark Twain as the foremost humorist of the age.”

Paul Lindau, a respected German author and critic, shared his thoughts in an interview when the Mississippi book came out, expressing the general admiration his fellow countrymen felt for its author. When asked, “But haven’t the Germans been offended by Mark Twain's criticisms of their customs and language in his 'Tramp Abroad'?” he responded, “We know who we are and how we come across, and the exaggerated portrayal we see just gives us something to laugh about, not something to be upset over. His jokes about our long words, our awkward sentence structures, and verb placement have actually sparked a change in style that will make our language as concise and sharp as French or English. I see Mark Twain as the leading humorist of our time.”

Howells, traveling through Europe, found Lindau's final sentiment echoed elsewhere, and he found something more: in Europe Mark Twain was already highly regarded as a serious writer. Thomas Hardy said to Howells one night at dinner:

Howells, traveling through Europe, found Lindau's final sentiment echoed elsewhere, and he discovered something more: in Europe, Mark Twain was already well-respected as a serious writer. Thomas Hardy said to Howells one night at dinner:

“Why don't people understand that Mark Twain is not merely a great humorist? He is a very remarkable fellow in a very different way.”

“Why don't people get that Mark Twain isn't just a great comedian? He's a truly extraordinary person in a very different way.”

The Rev. Dr. Parker, returning from England just then, declared that, wherever he went among literary people, the talk was about Mark Twain; also that on two occasions, when he had ventured diffidently to say that he knew that author personally, he was at once so evidently regarded as lying for effect that he felt guilty, and looked it, and did not venture to say it any more; thus, in a manner, practising untruth to save his reputation for veracity.

The Rev. Dr. Parker, just back from England, stated that wherever he met literary folks, the conversation centered around Mark Twain. He also mentioned that on two occasions, when he hesitantly claimed to know that author personally, he was immediately seen as lying for attention, which made him feel guilty and appear so. After that, he never brought it up again; in a way, he was lying to protect his reputation for honesty.

That the Mississippi book throughout did much to solidify this foreign opinion of Mark Twain's literary importance cannot be doubted, and it is one of his books that will live longest in the memory of men.

There's no doubt that the Mississippi book really helped strengthen this global view of Mark Twain's literary significance, and it’s one of his works that will be remembered for a long time.





CXLIII. A GUEST OF ROYALTY

For purposes of copyright another trip to Canada was necessary, and when the newspapers announced (May, 1883) that Mark Twain was about to cross the border there came one morning the following telegram:

For copyright reasons, another trip to Canada was necessary, and when the newspapers announced (May, 1883) that Mark Twain was about to cross the border, a telegram arrived one morning:

    Meeting of Literary and Scientific Society at Ottawa from 22d to
    26th. It would give me much pleasure if you could come and be my
    guest during that time.

                                   LORNE.
    Meeting of the Literary and Scientific Society in Ottawa from the 22nd to the 26th. I would be very pleased if you could come and be my guest during that time.

                                   LORNE.

The Marquis of Lorne, then Governor-General of Canada, was the husband of Queen Victoria's daughter, the Princess Louise. The invitation was therefore in the nature of a command. Clemens obeyed it graciously enough, and with a feeling of exaltation no doubt. He had been honored by the noble and the great in many lands, but this was royalty—English royalty—paying a tribute to an American writer whom neither the Marquis nor the Princess, his wife, had ever seen. They had invited him because they had cared enough for his books to make them wish to see him, to have him as a guest in Rideau Hall, their home. Mark Twain was democratic. A king to him was no more than any other man; rather less if he were not a good king. But there was something national in this tribute; and, besides, Lord Lorne and the Princess Louise were the kind of sovereigns that honored their rank, instead of being honored by it.

The Marquis of Lorne, who was the Governor-General of Canada at the time, was married to Queen Victoria's daughter, Princess Louise. So, the invitation felt more like a command. Clemens accepted it with grace and likely a sense of pride. He had been recognized by nobility and prominent figures in many countries, but this was royalty—English royalty—paying respect to an American writer whom neither the Marquis nor the Princess had ever met. They had invited him because they appreciated his books and wanted to meet him, to host him at Rideau Hall, their residence. Mark Twain was democratic; to him, a king was just another person, perhaps even less significant if he was not a good king. However, there was a sense of national pride in this tribute; besides, Lord Lorne and Princess Louise were the kind of leaders who honored their position rather than being defined by it.

It is a good deal like a fairy tale when you think of it; the barefooted boy of Hannibal, who had become a printer, a pilot, a rough-handed miner, being summoned, not so many years later, by royalty as one of America's foremost men of letters. The honor was no greater than many others he had received, certainly not greater than the calls of Canon Kingsley and Robert Browning and Turgenieff at his London hotel lodgings, but it was of a less usual kind.

It's kind of like a fairy tale when you think about it: the barefoot boy from Hannibal, who became a printer, a pilot, and a tough miner, was summoned just a few years later by royalty as one of America's top writers. The honor wasn’t any bigger than many others he had received—definitely not bigger than when Canon Kingsley, Robert Browning, and Turgenev visited him at his hotel in London—but it was a different kind of recognition.

Clemens enjoyed his visit. Princess Louise and the Marquis of Lorne kept him with them almost continually, and were loath to let him go. Once they took him tobogganing—an exciting experience.

Clemens had a great time during his visit. Princess Louise and the Marquis of Lorne kept him around almost the whole time, and they were reluctant to see him leave. They even took him to go tobogganing—an exhilarating experience.

It happened that during his stay with them the opening of the Canadian Parliament took place. Lord Lorne and the principal dignitaries of state entered one carriage, and in a carriage behind them followed Princess Louise with Mark Twain. As they approached the Parliament House the customary salute was fired. Clemens pretended to the Princess considerable gratification. The temptation was too strong to resist:

It just so happened that during his visit with them, the Canadian Parliament was opening. Lord Lorne and the main state officials got into one carriage, and behind them, in another carriage, were Princess Louise and Mark Twain. As they got close to the Parliament House, the traditional salute was fired. Clemens feigned considerable enthusiasm in front of the Princess. The temptation was just too strong to resist:

    “Your Highness,” he said, “I have had other compliments paid to me,
    but none equal to this one. I have never before had a salute fired
    in my honor.”
 
 “Your Highness,” he said, “I’ve received other compliments before, but none can compare to this one. I’ve never had a salute fired in my honor before.”

Returning to Hartford, he sent copies of his books to Lord Lorne, and to the Princess a special copy of that absurd manual, The New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English, for which he had written an introduction.—[A serious work, in Portugal, though issued by Osgood ('83) as a joke. Clemens in the introduction says: “Its delicious, unconscious ridiculousness and its enchanting naivety are as supreme and unapproachable in their way as Shakespeare's sublimities.” An extract, the closing paragraph from the book's preface, will illustrate his meaning:

Returning to Hartford, he sent copies of his books to Lord Lorne and to the Princess a special edition of that ridiculous manual, The New Guide to Conversation in Portuguese and English, for which he had written an introduction.—[A serious work in Portugal, though published by Osgood ('83) as a joke. Clemens writes in the introduction: “Its delightful, unintentional absurdity and its charming simplicity are as remarkable and unmatched in their own way as Shakespeare's brilliance.” An excerpt, the last paragraph from the book's preface, will illustrate his point:

“We expect then, who the little book (for the care that we wrote him, and for her typographical correction), that maybe worth the acceptation of the studious persons, and especially of the Youth, at which we dedicate him particularly.”]

“We hope that this little book (given the effort we put into writing it and correcting it) will be appreciated by those who study, especially by the youth, to whom we specifically dedicate it.”





CXLIV. A SUMMER LITERARY HARVEST

Arriving at the farm in June, Clemens had a fresh crop of ideas for stories of many lengths and varieties. His note-book of that time is full of motifs and plots, most of them of that improbable and extravagant kind which tended to defeat any literary purpose, whether humorous or otherwise. It seems worth while setting down one or more of these here, for they are characteristic of the myriad conceptions that came and went, and beyond these written memoranda left no trace behind. Here is a fair example of many:

Arriving at the farm in June, Clemens had a bunch of new story ideas of all kinds and lengths. His notebook from that time is packed with themes and plots, most of which are outlandish and extravagant, often undermining any literary aim, whether it was meant to be funny or not. It seems worthwhile to jot down one or more of these here, as they represent the countless ideas that came and went, and besides these written notes, they left no other trace. Here’s a good example of many:

    Two men starving on a raft. The pauper has a Boston cracker,
    resolves to keep it till the multimillionaire is beginning to
    starve, then make him pay $50,000 for it. Millionaire agrees.
    Pauper's cupidity rises, resolves to wait and get more; twenty-four
    hours later asks him a million for the cracker. Millionaire agrees.
    Pauper has a wild dream of becoming enormously rich off his cracker;
    backs down; lies all night building castles in the air; next day
    raises his price higher and higher, till millionaire has offered
    $100,000,000, every cent he has in the world. Pauper accepts.
    Millionaire: “Now give it to me.”

    Pauper: “No; it isn't a trade until you sign documental history of
    the transaction and make an oath to pay.”

    While pauper is finishing the document millionaire sees a ship.
    When pauper says, “Sign and take the cracker,” millionaire smiles a
    smile, declines, and points to the ship.
    Two men starving on a raft. The beggar has a Boston cracker and decides to hold onto it until the billionaire starts to starve, then make him pay $50,000 for it. The billionaire agrees. The beggar's greed increases, so he decides to wait and ask for more; twenty-four hours later, he asks for a million for the cracker. The billionaire agrees. The beggar has a wild dream of becoming incredibly rich from his cracker; he backs down and spends all night daydreaming. The next day, he raises his price higher and higher, until the billionaire offers $100,000,000, every cent he has in the world. The beggar accepts. Billionaire: “Now give it to me.”

    Beggar: “No; it’s not a deal until you sign a document of the transaction and swear to pay.”

    While the beggar is finishing the document, the billionaire spots a ship. When the beggar says, “Sign and take the cracker,” the billionaire smiles, declines, and points to the ship.

Yet this is hardly more extravagant than another idea that is mentioned repeatedly among the notes—that of an otherwise penniless man wandering about London with a single million-pound bank-note in his possession, a motif which developed into a very good story indeed.

Yet this is hardly more extravagant than another idea that’s mentioned repeatedly in the notes—that of a broke man wandering around London with a single million-pound bank note in his possession, a theme that turned into a really great story.

            IDEA FOR “STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN”

    In modern times the halls of heaven are warmed by registers
    connected with hell; and this is greatly applauded by Jonathan
    Edwards, Calvin, Baxter and Company, because it adds a new pang to
    the sinner's sufferings to know that the very fire which tortures
    him is the means of making the righteous comfortable.
            IDEA FOR “STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN”

    Nowadays, the halls of heaven are heated by vents linked to hell; and this is praised by Jonathan Edwards, Calvin, Baxter, and others, because it adds a new layer of torment to the sinner's suffering to know that the very fire that tortures them also keeps the righteous comfortable.

Then there was to be another story, in which the various characters were to have a weird, pestilential nomenclature; such as “Lockjaw Harris,” “Influenza Smith,” “Sinapism Davis,” and a dozen or two more, a perfect outbreak of disorders.

Then there was going to be another story, where the different characters would have strange, disease-related names like “Lockjaw Harris,” “Influenza Smith,” “Sinapism Davis,” and a handful of others, a complete eruption of ailments.

Another—probably the inspiration of some very hot afternoon—was to present life in the interior of an iceberg, where a colony would live for a generation or two, drifting about in a vast circular current year after year, subsisting on polar bears and other Arctic game.

Another—probably inspired by a very hot afternoon—was to depict life inside an iceberg, where a colony would live for a generation or two, drifting in a huge circular current year after year, surviving on polar bears and other Arctic wildlife.

An idea which he followed out and completed was the 1002d Arabian Night, in which Scheherazade continues her stories, until she finally talks the Sultan to death. That was a humorous idea, certainly; but when Howells came home and read it in the usual way he declared that, while the opening was killingly funny, when he got into the story itself it seemed to him that he was “made a fellow-sufferer with the Sultan from Scheherazade's prolixity.”

An idea he pursued and finished was the 1002nd Arabian Night, where Scheherazade continues her stories until she finally talks the Sultan to death. That was definitely a humorous concept; however, when Howells came home and read it in the usual manner, he stated that while the beginning was incredibly funny, once he got into the actual story, it felt to him like he was “sharing the Sultan's pain because of Scheherazade's long-windedness.”

“On the whole,” he said, “it is not your best, nor your second best; but all the way it skirts a certain kind of fun which you can't afford to indulge in.”

“Overall,” he said, “it's not your best, or even your second best; but it definitely touches on a certain kind of fun that you can't afford to engage in.”

And that was the truth. So the tale, neatly typewritten, retired to seclusion, and there remains to this day.

And that was the truth. So the story, neatly typed, went into hiding, and it remains there even today.

Clemens had one inspiration that summer which was not directly literary, but historical, due to his familiarity with English dates. He wrote Twichell:

Clemens had one inspiration that summer that wasn’t strictly literary, but historical, thanks to his knowledge of English dates. He wrote Twichell:

    Day before yesterday, feeling not in condition for writing, I left
    the study, but I couldn't hold in—had to do something; so I spent
    eight hours in the sun with a yardstick, measuring off the reigns of
    the English kings on the roads in these grounds, from William the
    Conqueror to 1883, calculating to invent an open-air game which
    shall fill the children's heads with dates without study. I give
    each king's reign one foot of space to the year and drive one stake
    in the ground to mark the beginning of each reign, and I make the
    children call the stake by the king's name. You can stand in the
    door and take a bird's-eye view of English monarchy, from the
    Conqueror to Edward IV.; then you can turn and follow the road up
    the hill to the study and beyond with an opera-glass, and bird's-eye
    view the rest of it to 1883.

    You can mark the sharp difference in the length of reigns by the
    varying distances of the stakes apart. You can see Richard II., two
    feet; Oliver Cromwell, two feet; James II., three feet, and so on
    —and then big skips; pegs standing forty-five, forty-six, fifty,
    fifty-six, and sixty feet apart (Elizabeth, Victoria, Edward III.,
    Henry III., and George III.). By the way, third's a lucky number
    for length of days, isn't it? Yes, sir; by my scheme you get a
    realizing notion of the time occupied by reigns.

    The reason it took me eight hours was because, with little Jean's
    interrupting assistance, I had to measure from the Conquest to the
    end of Henry VI. three times over, and besides I had to whittle out
    all those pegs.

    I did a full day's work and a third over, yesterday, but was full of
    my game after I went to bed trying to fit it for indoors. So I
    didn't get to sleep till pretty late; but when I did go off I had
    contrived a new way to play my history game with cards and a board.
    The day before yesterday, not feeling up to writing, I left the study, but I couldn’t help myself—I had to do something. So, I spent eight hours in the sun with a yardstick, marking out the reigns of the English kings along the roads on these grounds, from William the Conqueror to 1883. I planned to create an outdoor game that would help the kids learn dates without the usual studying. I assign each king's reign one foot of space for every year and drive a stake into the ground to mark the start of each reign. The kids then call each stake by the king's name. You can stand in the doorway and get a bird’s-eye view of the English monarchy, from the Conqueror to Edward IV.; then you can look up the hill towards the study and further down the road with a pair of binoculars to get an overview of everything up to 1883.

    You can easily see the differences in the lengths of reigns by the varying distances between the stakes. For instance, Richard II. is two feet; Oliver Cromwell, two feet; James II., three feet, and so on—then there are large gaps; stakes standing forty-five, forty-six, fifty, fifty-six, and sixty feet apart for Elizabeth, Victoria, Edward III., Henry III., and George III. By the way, isn’t the number three lucky for long lives? Yes, by my plan you get a real sense of how long each reign lasted.

    It took me eight hours because little Jean kept interrupting, and I had to measure from the Conquest to the end of Henry VI. three times, plus I had to carve out all those pegs.

    I did a full day’s work and a bit more yesterday, but I was still thinking about my game when I went to bed, trying to adapt it for indoors. So, I didn’t fall asleep until pretty late; but when I finally did, I had come up with a new way to play my history game using cards and a board.

We may be sure the idea of the game would possess him, once it got a fair start like that. He decided to save the human race that year with a history game. When he had got the children fairly going and interested in playing it, he adapted it to a cribbage-board, and spent his days and nights working it out and perfecting it to a degree where the world at large might learn all the facts of all the histories, not only without effort, but with an actual hunger for chronology. He would have a game not only of the English kings, but of the kings of every other nation; likewise of great statesmen, vice-chancellors, churchmen, of celebrities in every line. He would prepare a book to accompany these games. Each game would contain one thousand facts, while the book would contain eight thousand; it would be a veritable encyclopedia. He would organize clubs throughout the United States for playing the game; prizes were to be given. Experts would take it up. He foresaw a department in every newspaper devoted to the game and its problems, instead of to chess and whist and other useless diversions. He wrote to Orion, and set him to work gathering facts and dates by the bushel. He wrote to Webster, sent him a plan, and ordered him to apply for the patent without delay. Patents must also be applied for abroad. With all nations playing this great game, very likely it would produce millions in royalties; and so, in the true Sellers fashion, the iridescent bubble was blown larger and larger, until finally it blew up. The game on paper had become so large, so elaborate, so intricate, that no one could play it. Yet the first idea was a good one: the king stakes driven along the driveway and up the hillside of Quarry Farm. The children enjoyed it, and played it through many sweet summer afternoons. Once, in the days when he had grown old, he wrote, remembering:

We can be sure that the idea of the game would take hold of him once it got a good start like that. He decided to save humanity that year with a history game. After getting the kids genuinely interested in playing it, he adapted it to a cribbage board and spent his days and nights developing and perfecting it to the point where everyone could learn all the facts from various histories, not only effortlessly but with a real passion for chronology. He envisioned a game not just about English kings, but also about the kings of every other country, as well as great statesmen, vice-chancellors, clergymen, and celebrities from every field. He planned to create a book to go along with these games. Each game would have one thousand facts, while the book would contain eight thousand; it would be a true encyclopedia. He would set up clubs across the United States to play the game, offering prizes as incentives. Experts would get involved. He imagined a section in every newspaper dedicated to the game and its challenges, instead of chess, whist, and other pointless pastimes. He wrote to Orion, getting him to gather facts and dates in bulk. He reached out to Webster, provided a plan, and instructed him to hurry up and apply for the patent. He also needed to apply for patents in other countries. With all nations playing this amazing game, it might bring in millions in royalties; and so, in classic Sellers style, the shiny dream grew bigger and bigger until it eventually burst. The game on paper became so vast, so elaborate, and so complex that no one could actually play it. Yet the initial idea was a good one: the king stakes positioned along the driveway and up the hillside of Quarry Farm. The kids loved it and played it through many delightful summer afternoons. Once, in his later years, he wrote, reflecting back:

    Among the principal merits of the games which we played by help of
    the pegs were these: that they had to be played in the open air, and
    that they compelled brisk exercise. The peg of William the
    Conqueror stood in front of the house; one could stand near the
    Conqueror and have all English history skeletonized and landmarked
    and mile-posted under his eye.... The eye has a good memory.
    Many years have gone by and the pegs have disappeared, but I still
    see them and each in its place; and no king's name falls upon my ear
    without my seeing his pegs at once, and noticing just how many feet
    of space he takes up along the road.
    Among the main benefits of the games we played with the pegs were these: they had to be played outdoors, and they encouraged physical activity. The peg of William the Conqueror stood in front of the house; you could stand next to the Conqueror and visualize all of English history laid out and marked under his gaze.... The eye has a good memory. Many years have passed and the pegs have vanished, but I still see them, each in its place; and no king’s name reaches my ears without my instantly picturing his pegs and noticing how much space he occupies along the road.

It turned out an important literary year after all. In the Mississippi book he had used a chapter from the story he had been working at from time to time for a number of years, 'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn'. Reading over the manuscript now he found his interest in it sharp and fresh, his inspiration renewed. The trip down the river had revived it. The interest in the game became quiescent, and he set to work to finish the story at a dead heat.

It turned out to be an important literary year after all. In the Mississippi book, he had used a chapter from the story he had been working on intermittently for several years, 'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.' Reading over the manuscript now, he found his interest in it sharp and fresh, his inspiration renewed. The trip down the river had revived it. The interest in the game faded, and he set to work to finish the story at full speed.

To Howells, August 22 (1883), he wrote:

To Howells, August 22 (1883), he wrote:

    I have written eight or nine hundred manuscript pages in such a
    brief space of time that I mustn't name the number of days; I
    shouldn't believe it myself, and of course couldn't expect you to.
    I used to restrict myself to four and five hours a day and five days
    in the week, but this time I have wrought from breakfast till 5.15
    P.M. six days in the week, and once or twice I smouched a Sunday
    when the boss wasn't looking. Nothing is half so good as literature
    hooked on Sunday, on the sly.
    I've written around eight or nine hundred manuscript pages in such a short amount of time that I can't even mention how many days it took; I wouldn't believe it myself, and I certainly wouldn't expect you to. I used to limit myself to four or five hours a day and work five days a week, but this time I've been working from breakfast until 5:15 PM six days a week, and once or twice I've sneaked in some time on a Sunday when my boss wasn't paying attention. There's nothing quite like getting some literature done on a Sunday, secretly.

He refers to the game, though rather indifferently.

He mentions the game, but in a pretty indifferent way.

    When I wrote you I thought I had it; whereas I was merely entering
    upon the initiatory difficulties of it. I might have known it
    wouldn't be an easy job or somebody would have invented a decent
    historical game long ago—a thing which nobody has done.
    When I wrote to you, I thought I understood it; instead, I was just starting to face the initial challenges of it. I should have realized it wouldn’t be an easy task or someone would have come up with a good historical game a long time ago—a thing that no one has done.

Notwithstanding the fact that he was working at Huck with enthusiasm, he seems to have been in no hurry to revise it for publication, either as a serial or as a book. But the fact that he persevered until Huck Finn at last found complete utterance was of itself a sufficient matter for congratulation.

Even though he was working on Huck with a lot of enthusiasm, he didn’t seem to be in any rush to revise it for publication, whether as a serial or as a book. However, the fact that he stuck with it until Huck Finn was finally fully expressed was a big reason to celebrate.





CXLV. HOWELLS AND CLEMENS WRITE A PLAY

Before Howells went abroad Clemens had written:

    Now I think that the play for you to write would be one entitled,
    “Colonel Mulberry Sellers in Age” (75), with Lafayette Hawkins (at
    50) still sticking to him and believing in him and calling him “My
    lord.” He [Sellers] is a specialist and a scientist in various
    ways. Your refined people and purity of speech would make the best
    possible background, and when you are done, I could take your
    manuscript and rewrite the Colonel's speeches, and make him properly
    extravagant, and I would let the play go to Raymond, and bind him up
    with a contract that would give him the bellyache every time he read
    it. Shall we think this over, or drop it as being nonsense?
Now I think the play you should write would be called “Colonel Mulberry Sellers in Age” (75), with Lafayette Hawkins (at 50) still sticking by him, believing in him, and calling him “My lord.” He [Sellers] is skilled and knowledgeable in many ways. Your sophisticated characters and refined dialogue would provide the perfect backdrop, and when you’re finished, I could take your manuscript and rewrite the Colonel's speeches, making him properly extravagant. Then, I would give the play to Raymond and lock him into a contract that would give him a headache every time he read it. Should we think this over or just drop it as nonsense?

Howells, returned and settled in Boston once more, had revived an interest in the play idea. He corresponded with Clemens concerning it and agreed that the American Claimant, Leathers, should furnish the initial impulse of the drama.

Howells, back in Boston again, had reignited his interest in the play concept. He communicated with Clemens about it and agreed that the American Claimant, Leathers, should provide the initial spark for the drama.

They decided to revive Colonel Sellers and make him the heir; Colonel Sellers in old age, more wildly extravagant than ever, with new schemes, new patents, new methods of ameliorating the ills of mankind.

They decided to bring Colonel Sellers back and make him the heir; Colonel Sellers in his old age, more wildly extravagant than ever, with new schemes, new patents, and new ways to improve the problems of humanity.

Howells came down to Hartford from Boston full of enthusiasm. He found Clemens with some ideas of the plan jotted down: certain effects and situations which seemed to him amusing, but there was no general scheme of action. Howells, telling of it, says:

Howells came down to Hartford from Boston filled with enthusiasm. He found Clemens with a few ideas for the plan written down: some effects and situations that he thought were funny, but there wasn't an overall plan of action. Howells recounts it:

    I felt authorized to make him observe that his scheme was as nearly
    nothing as chaos could be. He agreed hilariously with me, and was
    willing to let it stand in proof of his entire dramatic inability.
    I felt justified in pointing out to him that his plan was basically a complete mess. He laughed heartily in agreement and was okay with it as evidence of his total lack of dramatic talent.

Howells, in turn, proposed a plan which Clemens approved, and they set to work. Howells could imitate Clemens's literary manner, and they had a riotously jubilant fortnight working out their humors. Howells has told about it in his book, and he once related it to the writer of this memoir. He said:

Howells, in response, suggested a plan that Clemens agreed to, and they got started. Howells was able to mimic Clemens's writing style, and they had an incredibly joyful two weeks developing their ideas. Howells has written about this in his book and once shared the story with the writer of this memoir. He said:

“Clemens took one scene and I another. We had loads and loads of fun about it. We cracked our sides laughing over it as it went along. We thought it mighty good, and I think to this day that it was mighty good. We called the play 'Colonel Sellers.' We revived him. Clemens had a notion of Sellers as a spiritual medium-there was a good deal of excitement about spiritualism then; he also had a notion of Sellers leading a women's temperance crusade. We conceived the idea of Sellers wanting to try, in the presence of the audience, how a man felt who had fallen, through drink. Sellers was to end with a sort of corkscrew performance on the stage. He always wore a marvelous fire extinguisher, one of his inventions, strapped on his back, so in any sudden emergency, he could give proof of its effectiveness.”

Clemens took one scene and I took another. We had a blast with it. We laughed so much as it went on. We thought it was really good, and I still believe it was really good to this day. We named the play 'Colonel Sellers.' We brought him back to life. Clemens imagined Sellers as a spiritual medium—there was a lot of buzz about spiritualism back then; he also pictured Sellers leading a women's temperance rally. We came up with the idea of Sellers wanting to show the audience what it feels like for a man who has fallen because of alcohol. Sellers was supposed to end with a kind of corkscrew act on stage. He always wore an amazing fire extinguisher, one of his inventions, strapped to his back, so in any sudden emergency, he could prove its effectiveness.

In connection with the extinguisher, Howells provided Sellers with a pair of wings, which Sellers declared would enable him to float around in any altitude where the flames might break out. The extinguisher, was not to be charged with water or any sort of liquid, but with Greek fire, on the principle that like cures like; in other words, the building was to be inoculated with Greek fire against the ordinary conflagration. Of course the whole thing was as absurd as possible, and, reading the old manuscript to-day, one is impressed with the roaring humor of some of the scenes, and with the wild extravagance of the farce motive, not wholly warranted by the previous character of Sellers, unless, indeed, he had gone stark mad. It is, in fact, Sellers caricatured. The gentle, tender side of Sellers—the best side—the side which Clemens and Howells themselves cared for most, is not there. Chapter III of Mark Twain's novel, The American Claimant, contains a scene between Colonel Sellers and Washington Hawkins which presents the extravagance of the Colonel's materialization scheme. It is a modified version of one of the scenes in the play, and is as amusing and unoffending as any.

In relation to the extinguisher, Howells gave Sellers a pair of wings, which Sellers claimed would let him float at any height where the flames could start. The extinguisher wasn’t supposed to be filled with water or any kind of liquid, but with Greek fire, based on the idea that like cures like; in other words, the building was meant to be protected with Greek fire against regular fires. Obviously, the whole idea was completely ridiculous, and reading the old manuscript today, one is struck by the hilarious absurdity of some scenes and the outrageous farce, which isn’t entirely justified by Sellers' previous character unless he had truly lost his mind. It is, in essence, a caricature of Sellers. The gentle, compassionate side of Sellers—the best part— the side that Clemens and Howells valued the most, isn’t present. Chapter III of Mark Twain's novel, The American Claimant, includes a scene between Colonel Sellers and Washington Hawkins that showcases the extravagance of the Colonel's scheme. It’s a modified version of one of the scenes in the play and is just as entertaining and harmless as any.

The authors' rollicking joy in their work convinced them that they had produced a masterpiece for which the public in general, and the actors in particular, were waiting. Howells went back to Boston tired out, but elate in the prospect of imminent fortune.

The authors' exuberant excitement about their work made them believe they had created a masterpiece that the public, especially the actors, had been eagerly anticipating. Howells returned to Boston exhausted, but thrilled by the promise of upcoming success.





CXLVI. DISTINGUISHED VISITORS

Meantime, while Howells had been in Hartford working at the play with Clemens, Matthew Arnold had arrived in Boston. On inquiring for Howells, at his home, the visitor was told that he had gone to see Mark Twain. Arnold was perhaps the only literary Englishman left who had not accepted Mark Twain at his larger value. He seemed surprised and said:

Meantime, while Howells was in Hartford collaborating on the play with Clemens, Matthew Arnold arrived in Boston. When he asked for Howells at his home, the visitor was told that he had gone to see Mark Twain. Arnold was probably the only literary Englishman left who hadn’t recognized Mark Twain's full worth. He seemed surprised and said:

“Oh, but he doesn't like that sort of thing, does he?”

“Oh, but he doesn’t like that kind of thing, does he?”

To which Mrs. Howells replied:

Mrs. Howells replied:

“He likes Mr. Clemens very much, and he thinks him one of the greatest men he ever knew.”

“He really likes Mr. Clemens and believes he’s one of the greatest men he’s ever known.”

Arnold proceeded to Hartford to lecture, and one night Howells and Clemens went to meet him at a reception. Says Howells:

Arnold headed to Hartford to give a lecture, and one night Howells and Clemens went to meet him at a reception. Howells said:

    While his hand laxly held mine in greeting I saw his eyes fixed
    intensely on the other side of the room. “Who—who in the world is
    that?” I looked and said, “Oh, that is Mark Twain.” I do not
    remember just how their instant encounter was contrived by Arnold's
    wish; but I have the impression that they were not parted for long
    during the evening, and the next night Arnold, as if still under the
    glamour of that potent presence, was at Clemens's house.
    While his hand casually held mine in greeting, I noticed his eyes fixed intensely on the other side of the room. “Who—who in the world is that?” I looked and said, “Oh, that’s Mark Twain.” I don’t remember exactly how their quick meeting came about due to Arnold's desire, but I remember that they didn’t separate for long during the evening, and the next night Arnold, as if still under the spell of that powerful presence, was at Clemens's house.

He came there to dine with the Twichells and the Rev. Dr. Edwin P. Parker. Dr. Parker and Arnold left together, and, walking quietly homeward, discussed the remarkable creature whose presence they had just left. Clemens had been at his best that night—at his humorous best. He had kept a perpetual gale of laughter going, with a string of comment and anecdote of a kind which Twichell once declared the world had never before seen and would never see again. Arnold seemed dazed by it, unable to come out from under its influence. He repeated some of the things Mark Twain had said; thoughtfully, as if trying to analyze their magic. Then he asked solemnly:

He went there to have dinner with the Twichells and Rev. Dr. Edwin P. Parker. Dr. Parker and Arnold left together and, walking quietly home, talked about the amazing person they had just left. Clemens had been in top form that night—his funniest self. He had kept a constant stream of laughter going, with a mix of comments and stories that Twichell once claimed the world had never seen before and would never see again. Arnold seemed stunned by it, unable to shake its effect. He repeated some of the things Mark Twain had said; thoughtfully, as if trying to figure out their magic. Then he asked seriously:

“And is he never serious?”

“Is he ever serious?”

And Dr. Parker as solemnly answered:

And Dr. Parker replied seriously:

“Mr. Arnold, he is the most serious man in the world.” Dr. Parker, recalling this incident, remembered also that Protap Chunder Mazoomdar, a Hindoo Christian prelate of high rank, visited Hartford in 1883, and that his one desire was to meet Mark Twain. In some memoranda of this visit Dr. Parker has written:

“Mr. Arnold is the most serious man in the world.” Dr. Parker, reflecting on this incident, also recalled that Protap Chunder Mazoomdar, a prominent Hindu Christian bishop, visited Hartford in 1883, and his one wish was to meet Mark Twain. In some notes from this visit, Dr. Parker has written:

    I said that Mark Twain was a friend of mine, and we would
    immediately go to his house. He was all eagerness, and I perceived
    that I had risen greatly in this most refined and cultivated
    gentleman's estimation. Arriving at Mr. Clemens's residence, I
    promptly sought a brief private interview with my friend for his
    enlightenment concerning the distinguished visitor, after which they
    were introduced and spent a long while together. In due time
    Mazoomdar came forth with Mark's likeness and autograph, and as we
    walked away his whole air and manner seemed to say, with Simeon of
    old, “Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace!”
 
I said that Mark Twain was a friend of mine, and we immediately headed to his house. He was full of enthusiasm, and I noticed that I had significantly improved in this sophisticated and cultured gentleman's eyes. When we arrived at Mr. Clemens's place, I quickly asked for a private chat with my friend to fill him in about the distinguished visitor, after which they were introduced and spent a long time together. Eventually, Mazoomdar came out with Mark's portrait and autograph, and as we walked away, his whole demeanor seemed to express, like Simeon of old, “Lord, now you can let your servant depart in peace!”




CXLVII. THE FORTUNES OF A PLAY

Howells is of the impression that the “Claimant” play had been offered to other actors before Raymond was made aware of it; but there are letters (to Webster) which indicate that Raymond was to see the play first, though Clemens declares, in a letter of instruction, that he hopes Raymond will not take it. Then he says:

Howells believes that the “Claimant” play was offered to other actors before Raymond was informed about it; however, there are letters (to Webster) suggesting that Raymond was supposed to see the play first, even though Clemens states in an instructional letter that he hopes Raymond will decide not to take it. Then he adds:

    Why do I offer him the play at all? For these reasons: he plays
    that character well; there are not thirty actors in the country who
    can do it better; and, too, he has a sort of sentimental right to be
    offered the piece, though no moral, or legal, or other kind of
    right.

    Therefore we do offer it to him; but only once, not twice. Let us
    have no hemming and hawing; make short, sharp work of the business.
    I decline to have any correspondence with R. myself in any way.
    Why do I even offer him the role? For these reasons: he plays that character well; there aren’t thirty actors in the country who can do it better; and, on top of that, he has a kind of sentimental claim to be offered the part, even though he doesn’t have any moral, legal, or other right.

    So, we do offer it to him; but only once, not twice. Let’s get straight to the point; let’s make this quick and efficient. I won’t correspond with R. myself at all.

This was at the end of November, 1883, while the play was still being revised. Negotiations with Raymond had already begun, though he does not appear to have actually seen the play during that theatrical season, and many and various were the attempts made to place it elsewhere; always with one result—that each actor or manager, in the end, declared it to be strictly a Raymond play. The thing was hanging fire for nearly a year, altogether, while they were waiting on Raymond, who had a profitable play, and was in no hurry for the recrudescence of Sellers. Howells tells how he eventually took the manuscript to Raymond, whom he found “in a mood of sweet reasonableness” at one of Osgood's luncheons. Raymond said he could not do the play then, but was sure he would like it for the coming season, and in any case would be glad to read it.

This was at the end of November 1883, while the play was still being revised. Negotiations with Raymond had already started, although he doesn’t seem to have actually seen the play that theatrical season. There were many attempts to showcase it elsewhere; however, in the end, each actor or manager insisted that it was strictly a Raymond play. The situation lingered for almost a year while they were waiting on Raymond, who had a profitable play and wasn’t in a rush for the return of Sellers. Howells recounts how he eventually took the manuscript to Raymond, whom he found “in a mood of sweet reasonableness” at one of Osgood's luncheons. Raymond said he couldn’t do the play then, but was confident he would like it for the upcoming season, and in any case, he would be happy to read it.

In due time Raymond reported favorably on the play, at least so far as the first act was concerned, but he objected to the materialization feature and to Sellers as claimant for the English earldom. He asked that these features be eliminated, or at least much ameliorated; but as these constituted the backbone and purpose of the whole play, Clemens and Howells decided that what was left would be hardly worth while. Raymond finally agreed to try the play as it was in one of the larger towns—Howells thinks in Buffalo. A week later the manuscript came back to Webster, who had general charge of the business negotiations, as indeed he had of all Mark Twain's affairs at this time, and with it a brief line:

In due time, Raymond gave a positive report on the play, at least regarding the first act, but he took issue with the materialization element and with Sellers as the claimant for the English earldom. He requested that these aspects be removed or at least significantly toned down; however, since these elements were the core of the entire play, Clemens and Howells believed that what remained wouldn't be worth pursuing. In the end, Raymond agreed to test the play as it stood in one of the larger towns—Howells thinks it was Buffalo. A week later, the manuscript was returned to Webster, who was in charge of the business dealings, as he was with all of Mark Twain's affairs at that time, along with a short note:

    DEAR SIR,—I have just finished rereading the play, and am convinced
    that in its present form it would not prove successful. I return
    the manuscript by express to your address.

    Thanking you for your courtesy, I am,

    Yours truly, JOHN T. RAYMOND.

    P.S.—If the play is altered and made longer I will be pleased to
    read it again.
    DEAR SIR,—I just finished rereading the play, and I believe that in its current form it won't be successful. I'm sending the manuscript back to your address via express mail.

    Thank you for your kindness, I am,

    Yours truly, JOHN T. RAYMOND.

    P.S.—If the play is revised and extended, I would be happy to read it again.

In his former letter Raymond had declared that “Sellers, while a very sanguine man, was not a lunatic, and no one but a lunatic could for a moment imagine that he had done such a work” (meaning the materialization). Clearly Raymond wanted a more serious presentation, something akin to his earlier success, and on the whole we can hardly blame him. But the authors had faith in their performance as it stood, and agreed they would make no change.

In his earlier letter, Raymond stated that "Sellers, although a very optimistic man, wasn't insane, and no one but someone crazy could think he had achieved such a thing" (referring to the materialization). Clearly, Raymond wanted a more serious presentation, something similar to his previous success, and we can hardly fault him for that. However, the authors believed in their performance as it was and agreed not to make any changes.

Finally a well-known elocutionist, named Burbank, conceived the notion of impersonating Raymond as well as Sellers, making of it a sort of double burlesque, and agreed to take the play on those terms. Burbank came to Hartford and showed what he could do. Howells and Clemens agreed to give him the play, and they hired the old Lyceum Theater for a week, at seven hundred dollars, for its trial presentation. Daniel Frohman promoted it. Clemens and Howells went over the play and made some changes, but they were not as hilarious over it or as full of enthusiasm as they had been in the beginning. Howells put in a night of suffering—long, dark hours of hot and cold waves of fear—and rising next morning from a tossing bed, wrote: “Here's a play which every manager has put out-of-doors and which every actor known to us has refused, and now we go and give it to an elocutioner. We are fools.”

Finally, a well-known speaker named Burbank had the idea of impersonating both Raymond and Sellers, turning it into a kind of double parody, and he agreed to take on the show under those conditions. Burbank came to Hartford and demonstrated his skills. Howells and Clemens agreed to hand over the play to him, and they rented the old Lyceum Theater for a week for $700 for its trial run. Daniel Frohman backed it. Clemens and Howells reviewed the play and made some adjustments, but they weren't as excited or enthusiastic about it as they had been before. Howells spent a night filled with anxiety—long, dark hours of fluctuating fears—and upon waking from a restless night, he wrote: “Here's a play that every manager has rejected, and every actor we know has turned down, and now we’re giving it to a speaker. We are fools.”

Clemens hurried over to Boston to consult with Howells, and in the end they agreed to pay the seven hundred dollars for the theater, take the play off and give Burbank his freedom. But Clemens's faith in it did not immediately die. Howells relinquished all right and title in it, and Clemens started it out with Burbank and a traveling company, doing one-night stands, and kept it going for a week or more at his own expense. It never reached New York.

Clemens rushed to Boston to talk with Howells, and eventually, they decided to pay the seven hundred dollars for the theater, pull the play, and let Burbank go. However, Clemens still had some hope for it. Howells gave up all rights to it, and Clemens launched it with Burbank and a touring company, doing one-night shows, and kept it going for a week or more at his own cost. It never made it to New York.

“And yet,” says Howells, “I think now that if it had come it would have been successful. So hard does the faith of the unsuccessful dramatist die.”—[This was as late as the spring of 1886, at which time Howells's faith in the play was exceedingly shaky. In one letter he wrote: “It is a lunatic that we have created, and while a lunatic in one act might amuse, I'm afraid that in three he would simply bore.”

“And yet,” says Howells, “I think now that if it had happened, it would have been successful. The faith of an unsuccessful playwright dies hard.” —[This was as late as the spring of 1886, when Howells's faith in the play was very shaky. In one letter he wrote: “We’ve created a lunatic, and while a lunatic might be funny in one act, I'm afraid that in three acts he would just bore the audience.”

And again:

And again:

“As it stands, I believe the thing will fail, and it would be a disgrace to have it succeed.”]

“As it is, I think it’s going to fail, and it would be embarrassing if it actually succeeded.”





CXLVIII. CABLE AND HIS GREAT JOKE

Meanwhile, with the completion of the Sellers play Clemens had flung himself into dramatic writing once more with a new and more violent impetuosity than ever. Howells had hardly returned to Boston when he wrote:

Meanwhile, after finishing the Sellers play, Clemens threw himself back into writing dramas with even more passion and intensity than before. Howells had barely gotten back to Boston when he wrote:

      Now let's write a tragedy.
    
Now let's write a tragedy.
      The inclosed is not fancy, it is history; except that the little girl was
      a passing stranger, and not kin to any of the parties. I read the incident
      in Carlyle's Cromwell a year ago, and made a note in my note-book;
      stumbled on the note to-day, and wrote up the closing scene of a possible
      tragedy, to see how it might work.
    
      The enclosed isn't glamorous; it's history. The little girl was just a fleeting stranger and not related to any of the people involved. I came across the incident in Carlyle's Cromwell a year ago, and I made a note of it in my notebook. I found that note today and decided to write out the final scene of a potential tragedy to see how it might unfold.
      If we made this colonel a grand fellow, and gave him a wife to suit—hey?
      It's right in the big historical times—war; Cromwell in big,
      picturesque power, and all that."
    
      If we turned this colonel into a great guy and gave him a wife who fits the role—what do you think? It’s set in those big historical times—war; Cromwell in all his impressive power, and everything that comes with it."
      Come, let's do this tragedy, and do it well. Curious, but didn't Florence
      want a Cromwell? But Cromwell would not be the chief figure here.
    
      Come on, let’s do this tragedy, and let’s do it right. It’s interesting, but didn’t Florence want a Cromwell? But Cromwell wouldn’t be the main character here.

It was the closing scene of that pathetic passage in history from which he would later make his story, “The Death Disc.” Howells was too tired and too occupied to undertake immediately a new dramatic labor, so Clemens went steaming ahead alone.

It was the final scene of that sad chapter in history from which he would later craft his story, “The Death Disc.” Howells was too exhausted and busy to start a new dramatic project right away, so Clemens pressed on by himself.

    My billiard-table is stacked up with books relating to the Sandwich
    Islands; the walls are upholstered with scraps of paper penciled
    with notes drawn from them. I have saturated myself with knowledge
    of that unimaginably beautiful land and that most strange and
    fascinating people. And I have begun a story. Its hidden motive
    will illustrate a but-little considered fact in human nature: that
    the religious folly you are born in you will die in, no matter what
    apparently reasonabler religious folly may seem to have taken its
    place; meanwhile abolished and obliterated it. I start Bill
    Ragsdale at eleven years of age, and the heroine at four, in the
    midst of the ancient idolatrous system, with its picturesque and
    amazing customs and superstitions, three months before the arrival
    of the missionaries and—the erection of a shallow Christianity upon
    the ruins of the old paganism.

    Then these two will become educated Christians and highly civilized.

    And then I will jump fifteen years and do Ragsdale's leper business.
    When we come to dramatize, we can draw a deal of matter from the
    story, all ready to our hand.
    My billiard table is piled high with books about the Sandwich Islands; the walls are covered with scraps of paper filled with notes taken from them. I have immersed myself in knowledge about that unimaginably beautiful land and its strange and fascinating people. And I’ve started a story. Its underlying theme will illustrate a little-considered fact about human nature: that the religious folly you’re born into will stick with you until you die, no matter how reasonable any new religious beliefs may seem to have replaced it, even if those old beliefs have been abolished and forgotten. I begin with Bill Ragsdale at eleven years old, and the heroine at four, in the midst of the ancient idolatrous system, with its colorful and incredible customs and superstitions, three months before the missionaries arrive and—build a shallow Christianity on the ruins of the old paganism.

    Then these two will become educated Christians and very civilized.

    After that, I’ll skip forward fifteen years and deal with Ragsdale's leper situation. When we adapt this into a drama, we’ll have plenty of material ready to work with.

He made elaborate preparations for the Sandwich Islands story, which he and Howells would dramatize later, and within the space of a few weeks he actually did dramatize 'The Prince and the Pauper' and 'Tom Sawyer', and was prodding Webster to find proper actors or managers; stipulating at first severe and arbitrary terms, which were gradually modified, as one after another of the prospective customers found these dramatic wares unsuited to their needs. Mark Twain was one of the most dramatic creatures that ever lived, but he lacked the faculty of stage arrangement of the dramatic idea. It is one of the commonest defects in the literary make-up; also one of the hardest to realize and to explain.

He made detailed preparations for the Sandwich Islands story, which he and Howells would later turn into a play. Within a few weeks, he actually adapted 'The Prince and the Pauper' and 'Tom Sawyer,' and was pushing Webster to find suitable actors or managers. Initially, he set strict and arbitrary conditions, but these were gradually loosened as each potential buyer found the dramatic offerings didn't suit their needs. Mark Twain was one of the most theatrical people to ever live, but he didn't have the skill for staging his dramatic ideas. This is a common flaw in literary talent, and it’s also one of the toughest to recognize and explain.

The winter of 1883-84 was a gay one in the Clemens home. Henry Irving was among those entertained, Augustus Saint-Gaudens, Aldrich and his wife, Howells of course, and George W. Cable. Cable had now permanently left the South for the promised land which all authors of the South and West seek eventually, and had in due course made his way to Hartford. Clemens took Cable's fortunes in hand, as he had done with many another, invited him to his home, and undertook to open negotiations with the American Publishing Company, of which Frank Bliss was now the manager, for the improvement of his fortunes.

The winter of 1883-84 was a lively time in the Clemens household. Henry Irving was among the guests, along with Augustus Saint-Gaudens, Aldrich and his wife, Howells, and George W. Cable. Cable had now permanently left the South for the promised place that all authors from the South and West eventually seek, and had made his way to Hartford. Clemens took Cable's prospects into his own hands, as he had with many others, invited him to stay at his home, and started discussions with the American Publishing Company, which was now managed by Frank Bliss, to improve his situation.

Cable had been giving readings from his stories and had somewhere picked up the measles. He suddenly came down with the complaint during his visit to Clemens, and his case was a violent one. It required the constant attendance of a trained nurse and one or two members of the household to pull him through.

Cable had been doing readings from his stories and caught the measles somewhere along the way. He suddenly got sick during his visit to Clemens, and his case was quite serious. It needed the constant care of a trained nurse and one or two members of the household to help him recover.

In the course of time he was convalescent, and when contagion was no longer to be feared guests were invited in for his entertainment. At one of these gatherings, Cable produced a curious book, which he said had been lent to him by Prof. Francis Bacon, of New Haven, as a great rarity. It was a little privately printed pamphlet written by a Southern youth, named S. Watson Wolston, a Yale student of 1845, and was an absurd romance of the hyperflorid, grandiloquent sort, entitled, “Love Triumphant, or the Enemy Conquered.” Its heroine's name was Ambulinia, and its flowery, half-meaningless periods and impossible situations delighted Clemens beyond measure. He begged Cable to lend it to him, to read at the Saturday Morning Club, declaring that he certainly must own the book, at whatever cost. Henry C. Robinson, who was present, remembered having seen a copy in his youth, and Twichell thought he recalled such a book on sale in New Haven during his college days. Twichell said nothing as to any purpose in the matter; but somewhat later, being in New Haven, he stepped into the old book-store and found the same proprietor, who remembered very well the book and its author. Twichell rather fearfully asked if by any chance a copy of it might still be obtained.

During his recovery, once the risk of infection had passed, guests were invited over for his entertainment. At one of these gatherings, Cable brought out an unusual book, which he claimed had been lent to him by Prof. Francis Bacon from New Haven as a rare find. It was a small privately printed pamphlet written by a Southern youth named S. Watson Wolston, a Yale student from 1845, and it was a ridiculous romance of the overly elaborate, grandiose kind, titled, “Love Triumphant, or the Enemy Conquered.” The heroine's name was Ambulinia, and its flowery, somewhat nonsensical prose and absurd situations thrilled Clemens immensely. He asked Cable to lend it to him so he could read it at the Saturday Morning Club, insisting that he had to own the book, no matter the cost. Henry C. Robinson, who was there, recalled having seen a copy in his youth, and Twichell thought he remembered such a book being sold in New Haven during his college years. Twichell didn't mention any intentions regarding the book; however, later on, while in New Haven, he stopped by the old bookstore and found the same owner, who recalled the book and its author very well. Twichell, a bit apprehensively, asked if by any chance a copy might still be available.

“Well,” was the answer, “I undertook to put my cellar in order the other day, and found about a cord of them down there. I think I can supply you.”

"Well," was the reply, "I decided to organize my cellar the other day and found about a cord of them down there. I think I can give you some."

Twichell took home six of the books at ten cents each, and on their first spring walk to Talcott's Tower casually mentioned to Clemens the quest for the rare Ambulinia. But Clemens had given up the pursuit. New York dealers had reported no success in the matter. The book was no longer in existence.

Twichell took home six of the books for ten cents each, and during their first spring walk to Talcott's Tower, he casually mentioned the search for the rare Ambulinia to Clemens. But Clemens had given up on finding it. New York dealers had reported no luck with it. The book no longer existed.

“What would you give for a copy?” asked Twichell.

“What would you pay for a copy?” asked Twichell.

Clemens became excited.

Clemens got excited.

“It isn't a question of price,” he said; “that would be for the owner to set if I could find him.”

“It’s not about the price,” he said; “that would be for the owner to decide if I could find him.”

Twichell drew a little package from his pocket.

Twichell took a small package out of his pocket.

“Well, Mark,” he said, “here are six copies of that book, to begin with. If that isn't enough, I can get you a wagon-load.”

“Well, Mark,” he said, “here are six copies of that book to start with. If that’s not enough, I can get you a whole truckload.”

It was enough. But it did not deter Clemens in his purpose, which was to immortalize the little book by pointing out its peculiar charms. He did this later, and eventually included the entire story, with comments, in one of his own volumes.

It was sufficient. But it didn't stop Clemens from his goal, which was to make the little book unforgettable by highlighting its unique charms. He did this later and eventually included the whole story, along with his comments, in one of his own collections.

Clemens and Twichell did not always walk that spring. The early form of bicycle, the prehistoric high-wheel, had come into vogue, and they each got one and attempted its conquest. They practised in the early morning hours on Farmington Avenue, which was wide and smooth, and they had an instructor, a young German, who, after a morning or two, regarded Mark Twain helplessly and said:

Clemens and Twichell didn't always walk that spring. The early type of bicycle, the high-wheel, had become popular, so they each got one and tried to master it. They practiced in the early mornings on Farmington Avenue, which was broad and smooth, and they had a teacher, a young German, who, after a morning or two, looked at Mark Twain in frustration and said:

“Mr. Clemens, it's remarkable—you can fall off of a bicycle more different ways than the man that invented it.”

“Mr. Clemens, it’s amazing—you can fall off a bike more ways than the guy who invented it.”

They were curious things, those old high-wheel machines. You were perched away up in the air, with the feeling that you were likely at any moment to strike a pebble or something that would fling you forward with damaging results. Frequently that is what happened. The word “header” seems to have grown out of that early bicycling period. Perhaps Mark Twain invented it. He had enough experience to do it. He always declared afterward that he invented all the new bicycle profanity that has since come into general use. Once he wrote:

They were fascinating, those old high-wheel bikes. You sat high up, feeling like at any moment you could hit a stone or something that would send you flying forward with serious consequences. And that often happened. The term “header” seems to have originated from that early biking era. Maybe Mark Twain came up with it. He certainly had enough experience to do so. He always claimed later that he was the one who invented all the new bicycle swear words that have since become common. Once he wrote:

    There was a row of low stepping-stones across one end of the street,
    a measured yard apart. Even after I got so I could steer pretty
    fairly I was so afraid of those stones that I always hit them. They
    gave me the worst falls I ever got in that street, except those
    which I got from dogs. I have seen it stated that no expert is
    quick enough to run over a dog; that a dog is always able to skip
    out of his way. I think that that may be true; but I think that the
    reason he couldn't run over the dog was because he was trying to. I
    did not try to run over any dog. But I ran over every dog that came
    along. I think it makes a great deal of difference. If you try to
    run over the dog he knows how to calculate, but if you are trying to
    miss him he does not know how to calculate, and is liable to jump
    the wrong way every time. It was always so in my experience. Even
    when I could not hit a wagon I could hit a dog that came to see me
    practise. They all liked to see me practise, and they all came, for
    there was very little going on in our neighborhood to entertain a
    dog.
    There was a row of low stepping-stones across one end of the street, about a yard apart. Even after I learned to steer pretty well, I was so scared of those stones that I always hit them. They caused me the worst falls I ever had on that street, except for the ones I had with dogs. I've heard it said that no expert is quick enough to run over a dog; that a dog can always jump out of the way. I think that might be true; but I believe the reason he couldn't run over the dog was that he was trying to. I didn’t try to run over any dog. But I ended up running over every dog that came by. I think it makes a big difference. If you try to run over a dog, he knows how to calculate your moves, but if you're trying to avoid him, he doesn’t know how to calculate and is likely to jump the wrong way every time. That’s always been my experience. Even when I couldn’t hit a wagon, I could hit a dog that came to watch me practice. They all enjoyed seeing me practice, and they all showed up because there was very little happening in our neighborhood to entertain a dog.

He conquered, measurably, that old, discouraging thing, and he and Twichell would go on excursions, sometimes as far as Wethersfield or to the tower. It was a pleasant change, at least it was an interesting one; but bicycling on the high wheel was never a popular diversion with Mark Twain, and his enthusiasm in the sport had died before the “safety” came along.

He overcame that old, discouraging issue, and he and Twichell would go on trips, sometimes as far as Wethersfield or to the tower. It was a nice change, at least it was an interesting one; but riding the high wheel was never a popular pastime for Mark Twain, and his enthusiasm for the sport had faded before the “safety” bicycle came along.

He had his machine sent out to Elmira, but there were too many hills in Chemung County, and after one brief excursion he came in, limping and pushing his wheel, and did not try it again.

He had his bike sent out to Elmira, but there were too many hills in Chemung County, and after one short ride, he came back limping and pushing his bike, and didn't try it again.

To return to Cable. When the 1st of April (1884) approached he concluded it would be a good time to pay off his debt of gratitude for his recent entertainment in the Clemens's home. He went to work at it systematically. He had a “private and confidential” circular letter printed, and he mailed it to one hundred and fifty of Mark Twain's literary friends in Boston, Hartford, Springfield, New York, Brooklyn, Washington, and elsewhere, suggesting that they write to him, so that their letters would reach him simultaneously April 1st, asking for his autograph. No stamps or cards were to be inclosed for reply, and it was requested that “no stranger to Mr. Clemens and no minor” should take part. Mrs. Clemens was let into the secret, so that she would see to it that her husband did not reject his mail or commit it to the flames unopened.

To go back to Cable. As April 1st (1884) was getting closer, he decided it would be a good time to repay his debt of gratitude for the recent hospitality he received at the Clemens's home. He set about it in a methodical way. He had a “private and confidential” circular letter printed and sent it to one hundred and fifty of Mark Twain's literary friends in Boston, Hartford, Springfield, New York, Brooklyn, Washington, and other places, suggesting that they write to him so their letters would all arrive on April 1st, requesting his autograph. No stamps or cards were to be included for replies, and it was asked that “no stranger to Mr. Clemens and no minors” should participate. Mrs. Clemens was informed about the plan so she could make sure her husband didn't ignore his mail or toss it in the fire unopened.

It would seem that every one receiving the invitation must have responded to it, for on the morning of April 1st a stupefying mass of letters was unloaded on Mark Twain's table. He did not know what to make of it, and Mrs. Clemens stood off to watch the results. The first one he opened was from Dean Sage, a friend whom he valued highly. Sage wrote from Brooklyn:

It looks like everyone who got the invitation must have replied, because on the morning of April 1st, a staggering pile of letters was dumped on Mark Twain's table. He was at a loss about what to do with it, while Mrs. Clemens watched from a distance to see what would happen. The first letter he opened was from Dean Sage, a friend he held in high regard. Sage wrote from Brooklyn:

    DEAR CLEMENS,—I have recently been asked by a young lady who
    unfortunately has a mania for autograph-collecting, but otherwise is
    a charming character, and comely enough to suit your fastidious
    taste, to secure for her the sign manual of the few distinguished
    persons fortunate enough to have my acquaintance. In enumerating
    them to her, after mentioning the names of Geo. Shepard Page, Joe
    Michell, Capt. Isaiah Ryndus, Mr. Willard, Dan Mace, and J. L.
    Sullivan, I came to yours. “Oh!” said she, “I have read all his
    works—Little Breeches, The Heathen Chinee, and the rest—and think
    them delightful. Do oblige me by asking him for his autograph,
    preceded by any little sentiment that may occur to him, provided it
    is not too short.”

    Of course I promised, and hope you will oblige me by sending some
    little thing addressed to Miss Oakes.

    We are all pretty well at home just now, though indisposition has
    been among us for the past fortnight. With regards to Mrs. Clemens
    and the children, in which my wife joins,

                         Yours truly,  DEAN SAGE.
    DEAR CLEMENS,—I’ve recently been asked by a young lady who unfortunately has a thing for collecting autographs, but otherwise is quite charming and attractive enough to match your picky taste, to get her the signature of a few notable people lucky enough to know me. While listing them for her, after mentioning the names Geo. Shepard Page, Joe Michell, Capt. Isaiah Ryndus, Mr. Willard, Dan Mace, and J. L. Sullivan, I got to yours. “Oh!” she said, “I’ve read all his works—Little Breeches, The Heathen Chinee, and the others—and I think they’re delightful. Please do me a favor and ask him for his autograph, along with any little sentiment he might want to include, as long as it’s not too short.” 

    Of course I promised, and I hope you’ll be kind enough to send a little something addressed to Miss Oakes. 

    We’re all doing pretty well at home right now, although we’ve had some sickness around for the past two weeks. Please give my regards to Mrs. Clemens and the kids, which my wife also sends. 

                         Yours truly,  DEAN SAGE.

It amused and rather surprised him, and it fooled him completely; but when he picked up a letter from Brander Matthews, asking, in some absurd fashion, for his signature, and another from Ellen Terry, and from Irving, and from Stedman, and from Warner, and Waring, and H. C. Bunner, and Sarony, and Laurence Hutton, and John Hay, and R. U. Johnson, and Modjeska, the size and quality of the joke began to overawe him. He was delighted, of course; for really it was a fine compliment, in its way, and most of the letters were distinctly amusing. Some of them asked for autographs by the yard, some by the pound. Henry Irving said:

It made him laugh and surprised him quite a bit, and it completely tricked him; but when he picked up a letter from Brander Matthews, asking for his signature in a rather ridiculous way, along with letters from Ellen Terry, Irving, Stedman, Warner, Waring, H. C. Bunner, Sarony, Laurence Hutton, John Hay, R. U. Johnson, and Modjeska, the scale and quality of the joke started to overwhelm him. He was definitely thrilled, of course; it was genuinely a great compliment in its own way, and most of the letters were quite entertaining. Some requested autographs by the yard, some by the pound. Henry Irving said:

    I have just got back from a very late rehearsal-five o'clock—very
    tired—but there will be no rest till I get your autograph.
    I just got back from a really late rehearsal at five o'clock—super tired—but I won't rest until I get your autograph.

Some requested him to sit down and copy a few chapters from The Innocents Abroad for them or to send an original manuscript. Others requested that his autograph be attached to a check of interesting size. John Hay suggested that he copy a hymn, a few hundred lines of Young's “Night Thoughts,” and an equal amount of Pollak's “Course of Time.”

Some asked him to sit down and copy a few chapters from The Innocents Abroad for them or to send an original manuscript. Others asked if he could sign a check of interesting size. John Hay suggested that he copy a hymn, a few hundred lines of Young's “Night Thoughts,” and a similar amount of Pollak's “Course of Time.”

    I want my boy to form a taste for serious and elevated poetry, and
    it will add considerable commercial value to have them in your
    handwriting.
    I want my son to develop an appreciation for serious and high-quality poetry, and having them in your handwriting will significantly increase their commercial value.

Altogether the reading of the letters gave him a delightful day, and his admiration for Cable grew accordingly. Cable, too, was pleased with the success of his joke, though he declared he would never risk such a thing again. A newspaper of the time reports him as saying:

Altogether, reading the letters made for a delightful day, and his admiration for Cable increased as a result. Cable also enjoyed the success of his joke, although he said he would never take such a risk again. A newspaper from that time reported him as saying:

    I never suffered so much agony as for a few days previous to the 1st
    of April. I was afraid the letters would reach Mark when he was in
    affliction, in which case all of us would never have ceased flying
    to make it up to him.
    When I visited Mark we used to open our budgets of letters together
    at breakfast. We used to sing out whenever we struck an autograph-
    hunter. I think the idea came from that. The first person I spoke
    to about it was Robert Underwood Johnson, of the Century. My most
    enthusiastic ally was the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. We never thought
    it would get into the papers. I never played a practical joke
    before. I never will again, certainly.
    I never felt so much pain as I did in the days leading up to April 1st. I was worried that the letters would reach Mark while he was struggling, and in that case, none of us would ever have stopped trying to make it up to him.  
    When I visited Mark, we would open our piles of letters together over breakfast. We’d call out whenever we came across an autograph-hunter. I think that’s where the idea came from. The first person I mentioned it to was Robert Underwood Johnson from the Century. My biggest supporter was Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. We never thought it would make the news. I’ve never pulled a practical joke before, and I definitely won’t do it again.

Mark Twain in those days did not encourage the regular autograph-collectors, and seldom paid any attention to their requests for his signature. He changed all this in later years, and kept a supply always on hand to satisfy every request; but in those earlier days he had no patience with collecting fads, and it required a particularly pleasing application to obtain his signature.

Mark Twain back then did not support regular autograph collectors and rarely paid attention to their requests for his signature. He changed his approach in later years, keeping a stock of autographs handy to fulfill every request; but in those earlier days, he had no patience for collecting trends, and it took a particularly charming request to get his signature.





CXLIX. MARK TWAIN IN BUSINESS

Samuel Clemens by this time was definitely engaged in the publishing business. Webster had a complete office with assistants at 658 Broadway, and had acquired a pretty thorough and practical knowledge of subscription publishing. He was a busy, industrious young man, tirelessly energetic, and with a good deal of confidence, by no means unnecessary to commercial success. He placed this mental and physical capital against Mark Twain's inspiration and financial backing, and the combination of Charles L. Webster & Co. seemed likely to be a strong one.

Samuel Clemens was now fully involved in the publishing business. Webster had a complete office with assistants at 658 Broadway and had gained a solid and practical understanding of subscription publishing. He was a hardworking, energetic young man, full of confidence, which was certainly valuable for commercial success. He paired this mental and physical effort with Mark Twain's creativity and financial support, and the partnership of Charles L. Webster & Co. seemed promising.

Already, in the spring of 1884, Webster had the new Mark Twain book, 'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn', well in hand, and was on the watch for promising subscription books by other authors. Clemens, with his usual business vision and eye for results, with a generous disregard of detail, was supervising the larger preliminaries, and fulminating at the petty distractions and difficulties as they came along. Certain plays he was trying to place were enough to keep him pretty thoroughly upset during this period, and proof-reading never added to his happiness. To Howells he wrote:

Already, in the spring of 1884, Webster had the new Mark Twain book, 'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn', well in hand, and was on the lookout for promising subscription books by other authors. Clemens, with his usual business acumen and focus on results, while largely ignoring details, was overseeing the larger preparations and venting his frustrations about the small distractions and challenges that arose. Some plays he was trying to sell were enough to keep him pretty stressed during this time, and proof-reading certainly didn’t help his mood. To Howells, he wrote:

    My days are given up to cursings, both loud and deep, for I am
    reading the 'Huck Finn' proofs. They don't make a very great many
    mistakes, but those that do occur are of a nature that make a man
    swear his teeth loose.
    My days are filled with loud and intense curses because I’m going through the proofs of 'Huck Finn.' There aren’t many mistakes, but the ones that do show up are enough to make anyone lose their temper.

Whereupon Howells promptly wrote him that he would help him out with the Huck Finn proofs for the pleasure of reading the story. Clemens, among other things, was trying to place a patent grape-scissors, invented by Howells's father, so that there was, in some degree, an equivalent for the heavy obligation. That it was a heavy one we gather from his fervent acknowledgment:

Whereupon Howells quickly told him that he would help with the Huck Finn proofs because he enjoyed reading the story. Clemens, among other things, was trying to sell a patent grape scissors invented by Howells's father, so there was some form of compensation for the significant obligation. We can tell it was substantial from his heartfelt acknowledgment:

    It took my breath away, and I haven't recovered it yet, entirely—I
    mean the generosity of your proposal to read the proofs of Huck
    Finn.

    Now, if you mean it, old man—if you are in earnest-proceed, in
    God's name, and be by me forever blessed. I can't conceive of a
    rational man deliberately piling such an atrocious job upon himself.
    But if there be such a man, and you be that man, pile it on. The
    proof-reading of 'The Prince and the Pauper' cost me the last rags
    of my religion.
It took my breath away, and I still haven't completely recovered it—I mean your generous offer to read the proofs of Huck Finn. 

Now, if you're serious, my friend—if you truly mean it—go ahead, and may you be blessed forever. I can't imagine a rational person intentionally taking on such an awful task. But if there is someone like that, and you are that person, bring it on. Proofreading 'The Prince and the Pauper' completely drained my faith.

Clemens decided to have the Huckleberry Finn book illustrated after his own ideas. He looked through the various comic papers to see if he could find the work of some new man that appealed to his fancy. In the pages of Life he discovered some comic pictures illustrating the possibility of applying electrical burners to messenger boys, waiters, etc. The style and the spirit of these things amused him. He instructed Webster to look up the artist, who proved to be a young man, E. W. Kemble by name, later one of our foremost cartoonists. Webster engaged Kemble and put the manuscript in his hands. Through the publication of certain chapters of Huck Finn in the Century Magazine, Kemble was brought to the notice of its editors, who wrote Clemens that they were profoundly indebted to him for unearthing “such a gem of an illustrator.”

Clemens decided to have the Huckleberry Finn book illustrated based on his own ideas. He looked through various comic magazines to see if he could find the work of a new artist that caught his eye. In the pages of Life, he found some comic drawings showing the possibility of using electrical burners for messenger boys, waiters, and more. The style and spirit of these pieces amused him. He asked Webster to track down the artist, who turned out to be a young man named E. W. Kemble, who would later become one of our leading cartoonists. Webster hired Kemble and handed him the manuscript. When certain chapters of Huck Finn were published in Century Magazine, Kemble attracted the attention of its editors, who wrote to Clemens expressing their deep gratitude for discovering "such a gem of an illustrator."

Clemens, encouraged and full of enthusiasm, now endeavored to interest himself in the practical details of manufacture, but his stock of patience was light and the details were many. His early business period resembles, in some of its features, his mining experience in Esmeralda, his letters to Webster being not unlike those to Orion in that former day. They are much oftener gentle, considerate, even apologetic, but they are occasionally terse, arbitrary, and profane. It required effort for him to be entirely calm in his business correspondence. A criticism of one of Webster's assistants will serve as an example of his less quiet method:

Clemens, feeling motivated and excited, now tried to get involved in the practical aspects of manufacturing, but his patience was limited and there were a lot of details to manage. His early business experience has some similarities to his mining days in Esmeralda, with his letters to Webster resembling those he wrote to Orion back then. They are more often gentle, thoughtful, and even apologetic, but sometimes they come off as blunt, demanding, and rude. It took effort for him to stay completely calm in his business communications. A criticism of one of Webster's assistants serves as an example of his less composed approach:

    Charley, your proof-reader, is an idiot; and not only an idiot, but
    blind; and not only blind, but partly dead.
    Charley, your proofreader, is an idiot; and not just an idiot, but also blind; and not only blind, but partly dead.

Of course, one must regard many of Mark Twain's business aspects humorously. To consider them otherwise is to place him in a false light altogether. He wore himself out with his anxieties and irritations; but that even he, in the midst of his furies, saw the humor of it all is sufficiently evidenced by the form of his savage phrasing. There were few things that did not amuse him, and certainly nothing amused more, or oftener, than himself.

Of course, you have to look at many of Mark Twain's business situations with a sense of humor. To see them any other way is to misinterpret him completely. He exhausted himself with his worries and frustrations; however, the fact that he could still find humor in it all, even amid his rage, is clear from the sharpness of his words. There were very few things that didn't make him laugh, and nothing made him laugh more, or more often, than himself.

It is proper to add a detail in evidence of a business soundness which he sometimes manifested. He had observed the methods of Bliss and Osgood, and had drawn his conclusions. In the beginning of the Huck Finn canvass he wrote Webster:

It’s important to mention an example that shows the business sense he occasionally displayed. He had noticed the strategies of Bliss and Osgood and had formed his own opinions. At the start of the Huck Finn campaign, he wrote to Webster:

    Keep it diligently in mind that we don't issue till we have made a
    big sale.

    Get at your canvassing early and drive it with all your might, with
    an intent and purpose of issuing on the 10th or 15th of next
    December (the best time in the year to tumble a big pile into the
    trade); but if we haven't 40,000 subscriptions we simply postpone
    publication till we've got them. It is a plain, simple policy, and
    would have saved both of my last books if it had been followed.
    [That is to say, 'The Prince and the Pauper' and the Mississippi
    book, neither of which had sold up to his expectations on the
    initial canvass.]
Keep in mind that we don’t publish until we’ve made a big sale.

Start your canvassing early and put in all your effort, aiming to have everything ready for release on the 10th or 15th of next December (the best time of year to make a big splash in the market); but if we don’t have 40,000 subscriptions, we’ll just delay publication until we do. It’s a straightforward policy and would have saved both of my last books if it had been followed. [That is to say, 'The Prince and the Pauper' and the Mississippi book, neither of which had sold up to his expectations on the initial canvass.]




CL. FARM PICTURES

Gerhardt returned from Paris that summer, after three years of study, a qualified sculptor. He was prepared to take commissions, and came to Elmira to model a bust of his benefactor. The work was finished after four or five weeks of hard effort and pronounced admirable; but Gerhardt, attempting to make a cast one morning, ruined it completely. The family gathered round the disaster, which to them seemed final, but the sculptor went immediately to work, and in an amazingly brief time executed a new bust even better than the first, an excellent piece of modeling and a fine likeness. It was decided that a cut of it should be used as a frontispiece for the new book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Gerhardt came back from Paris that summer after three years of study, now a qualified sculptor. He was ready to take on commissions and went to Elmira to create a bust of his benefactor. The work was completed after four or five weeks of hard work and was praised as admirable; however, Gerhardt accidentally ruined it while trying to make a cast one morning. The family gathered around the disaster, which seemed final to them, but the sculptor immediately got to work and, in a surprisingly short time, made a new bust that was even better than the first—an excellent piece of modeling and a great likeness. It was decided that a cut of it should be used as a frontispiece for the new book, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Clemens was at this time giving the final readings to the Huck Finn pages, a labor in which Mrs. Clemens and the children materially assisted. In the childish biography which Susy began of her father, a year later, she says:

Clemens was at this time finishing the final readings of the Huck Finn pages, a task in which Mrs. Clemens and the kids helped a lot. In the childhood biography that Susy started about her dad, a year later, she says:

    Ever since papa and mama were married papa has written his books and
    then taken them to mama in manuscript, and she has expurgated
    —[Susy's spelling is preserved]—them. Papa read Huckleberry Finn to
    us in manuscript,—[Probably meaning proof.]—just before it came
    out, and then he would leave parts of it with mama to expurgate,
    while he went off to the study to work, and sometimes Clara and I
    would be sitting with mama while she was looking the manuscript
    over, and I remember so well, with what pangs of regret we used to
    see her turn down the leaves of the pages, which meant that some
    delightfully terrible part must be scratched out. And I remember
    one part pertickularly which was perfectly fascinating it was so
    terrible, that Clara and I used to delight in and oh, with what
    despair we saw mama turn down the leaf on which it was written, we
    thought the book would almost be ruined without it. But we
    gradually came to think as mama did.
Ever since Mom and Dad got married, Dad has written his books and then handed them over to Mom as a manuscript for her to edit. Dad read Huckleberry Finn to us in manuscript—probably meaning proof—right before it was published, and then he would leave parts of it with Mom to edit while he went to his study to work. Sometimes Clara and I would sit with Mom while she reviewed the manuscript, and I remember how we felt pangs of regret every time we saw her fold down the corners of the pages, which meant some delightfully shocking part had to be cut. I remember one part particularly that was so fascinating and awful that Clara and I loved it, and oh, how we despaired when we saw Mom fold down the page where it was written, thinking the book would be almost ruined without it. But over time, we came to see things the way Mom did.

Commenting on this phase of Huck's evolution Mark Twain has since written:

Commenting on this stage of Huck's development, Mark Twain has since written:

    I remember the special case mentioned by Susy, and can see the group
    yet—two-thirds of it pleading for the life of the culprit sentence
    that was so fascinatingly dreadful, and the other third of it
    patiently explaining why the court could not grant the prayer of the
    pleaders; but I do not remember what the condemned phrase was. It
    had much company, and they all went to the gallows; but it is
    possible that that especially dreadful one which gave those little
    people so much delight was cunningly devised and put into the book
    for just that function, and not with any hope or expectation that it
    would get by the “expergator” alive. It is possible, for I had that
    custom.
I remember the special case Susy talked about, and I can still picture the group—two-thirds of them pleading for the life of the sentence that was so fascinatingly terrible, while the other third explained patiently why the court couldn’t grant the plea of those supporters. But I can’t recall what that condemned phrase was. It had plenty of company, and they all went to the gallows; but it’s possible that the especially dreadful one that entertained those little people was cleverly crafted and added to the book for that exact purpose, with no expectation that it would survive the “expergator.” That’s possible, because I had that habit.

Little Jean was probably too youthful yet to take part in that literary arbitration. She was four, and had more interest in cows. In some memoranda which her father kept of that period—the “Children's Book”—he says:

Little Jean was probably too young to be involved in that literary discussion. She was four and was more interested in cows. In some notes her father kept from that time—the “Children's Book”—he says:

    She goes out to the barn with one of us every evening toward six
    o'clock, to look at the cows—which she adores—no weaker word can
    express her feeling for them. She sits rapt and contented while
    David milks the three, making a remark now and then—always about
    the cows. The time passes slowly and drearily for her attendant,
    but not for her. She could stand a week of it. When the milking is
    finished, and “Blanche,” “Jean,” and “the cross cow” are turned into
    the adjoining little cow-lot, we have to set Jean on a shed in that
    lot, and stay by her half an hour, till Eliza, the German nurse,
    comes to take her to bed. The cows merely stand there, and do
    nothing; yet the mere sight of them is all-sufficient for Jean. She
    requires nothing more. The other evening, after contemplating them
    a long time, as they stood in the muddy muck chewing the cud, she
    said, with deep and reverent appreciation, “Ain't this a sweet
    little garden?”

    Yesterday evening our cows (after being inspected and worshiped by
    Jean from the shed for an hour) wandered off down into the pasture
    and left her bereft. I thought I was going to get back home, now,
    but that was an error. Jean knew of some more cows in a field
    somewhere, and took my hand and led me thitherward. When we turned
    the corner and took the right-hand road, I saw that we should
    presently be out of range of call and sight; so I began to argue
    against continuing the expedition, and Jean began to argue in favor
    of it, she using English for light skirmishing and German for
    “business.” I kept up my end with vigor, and demolished her
    arguments in detail, one after the other, till I judged I had her
    about cornered. She hesitated a moment, then answered up, sharply:

    “Wir werden nichts mehr daruber sprechen!” (We won't talk any more
    about it.)

    It nearly took my breath away, though I thought I might possibly
    have misunderstood. I said:

    “Why, you little rascal! Was hast du gesagt?”

    But she said the same words over again, and in the same decided way.
    I suppose I ought to have been outraged, but I wasn't; I was
    charmed.
She goes out to the barn with one of us every evening around six o'clock to check on the cows—which she loves—there's no stronger word to describe her feelings for them. She sits there, fascinated and satisfied while David milks the three, making a comment now and then—always about the cows. Time drags painfully for her helper, but not for her. She could do this for a week. Once the milking is done, and “Blanche,” “Jean,” and “the cross cow” are let into the nearby small cow-lot, we have to put Jean on a shed in that lot and stay with her for half an hour until Eliza, the German nurse, comes to take her to bed. The cows just stand there, doing nothing; yet, just seeing them is enough for Jean. She doesn’t need anything more. The other evening, after watching them for a long time as they stood in the muddy muck chewing their cud, she said, with deep appreciation, “Isn’t this a sweet little garden?”

Last night, after inspecting and adoring the cows from the shed for an hour, they wandered off into the pasture and left her feeling abandoned. I thought I could head home now, but that was a mistake. Jean knew of some more cows in a field somewhere and took my hand to lead me there. When we turned the corner and took the right-hand road, I realized we would soon be out of calling distance and sight, so I started to argue against continuing the trip. Jean began to argue in favor of it, using English for light sparring and German for serious points. I held my ground vigorously, picking apart her arguments one by one until I thought I had her cornered. She hesitated for a moment, then replied sharply:

“Wir werden nichts mehr daruber sprechen!” (We won't talk any more about it.)

It nearly took my breath away, though I thought I might have misunderstood. I said:

“Why, you little rascal! Was hast du gesagt?”

But she repeated the same words in the same firm tone. I guess I should have been offended, but I wasn't; I was charmed.

His own note-books of that summer are as full as usual, but there are fewer literary ideas and more philosophies. There was an excitement, just then, about the trichina germ in pork, and one of his memoranda says:

His notebooks from that summer are as packed as usual, but there are fewer literary ideas and more philosophies. There was a lot of buzz at the time about the trichina germ in pork, and one of his notes says:

    I think we are only the microscopic trichina concealed in the blood
    of some vast creature's veins, and that it is that vast creature
    whom God concerns himself about and not us.
    I think we’re just the tiny trichina hidden in the blood of some enormous creature's veins, and that it’s that enormous creature that God cares about, not us.

And there is another which says:

And there's another one that says:

    People, in trying to justify eternity, say we can put it in by
    learning all the knowledge acquired by the inhabitants of the
    myriads of stars. We sha'n't need that. We could use up two
    eternities in learning all that is to be learned about our own
    world, and the thousands of nations that have risen, and flourished,
    and vanished from it. Mathematics alone would occupy me eight
    million years.
    People, in trying to justify eternity, say we can achieve it by learning all the knowledge gained by the inhabitants of countless stars. We won't need that. We could spend two eternities just learning everything there is to know about our own world and the thousands of nations that have risen, thrived, and disappeared from it. Mathematics alone would keep me occupied for eight million years.

He records an incident which he related more fully in a letter to Howells:

He shares an incident that he explained in more detail in a letter to Howells:

    Before I forget it I must tell you that Mrs. Clemens has said a
    bright thing. A drop-letter came to me asking me to lecture here
    for a church debt. I began to rage over the exceedingly cool
    wording of the request, when Mrs. Clemens said: “I think I know that
    church, and, if so, this preacher is a colored man; he doesn't know
    how to write a polished letter. How should he?”

    My manner changed so suddenly and so radically that Mrs. C. said: “I
    will give you a motto, and it will be useful to you if you will
    adopt it: 'Consider every man colored till he is proved white.'”
 
    Before I forget, I have to tell you that Mrs. Clemens said something insightful. I received a note asking me to give a lecture here to raise money for a church debt. I started to get annoyed by the very casual wording of the request when Mrs. Clemens said, “I think I know that church, and if I'm right, this preacher is a Black man; he doesn’t know how to write a polished letter. Why would he?" 

    My attitude changed so quickly and completely that Mrs. C. said, “I have a motto for you, and it will be useful if you choose to adopt it: 'Consider every man Black until he is proven white.'”

“It is dern good, I think.”

"It’s really good, I guess."

One of the note-books contains these entries:

One of the notebooks contains these entries:

    Talking last night about home matters, I said, “I wish I had said to
    George when we were leaving home, 'Now, George, I wish you would
    take advantage of these three or four months' idle time while I am
    away——'”

    “To learn to let my matches alone,” interrupted Livy. The very
    words I was going to use. Yet George had not been mentioned before,
    nor his peculiarities.
    Talking last night about home matters, I said, “I wish I had told George when we were leaving home, 'Now, George, I hope you can make the most of these three or four months' free time while I'm gone—'”

    “To learn to stay away from my matches,” interrupted Livy. Those were exactly the words I was about to use. Still, George hadn’t been mentioned before, nor his quirks.

Several years ago I said:

A few years ago I said:

    “Suppose I should live to be ninety-two, and just as I was dying a
    messenger should enter and say——”

    “You are become Earl of Durham,” interrupted Livy. The very words I
    was going to utter. Yet there had not been a word said about the
    earl, or any other person, nor had there been any conversation
    calculated to suggest any such subject.
“Suppose I live to be ninety-two, and just as I’m about to die, a messenger walks in and says—”

“You’ve become the Earl of Durham,” Livy cut in. Those were exactly the words I was about to say. But there hadn’t been a single word said about the earl or anyone else, and there hadn’t been any conversation that could hint at such a topic.




CLI. MARK TWAIN MUGWUMPS

The Republican Presidential nomination of James G. Blaine resulted in a political revolt such as the nation had not known. Blaine was immensely popular, but he had many enemies in his own party. There were strong suspicions of his being connected with doubtful financiering-enterprises, more or less sensitive to official influence, and while these scandals had become quieted a very large portion of the Republican constituency refused to believe them unjustified. What might be termed the intellectual element of Republicanism was against Blaine: George William Curtis, Charles Dudley Warner, James Russell Lowell, Henry Ward Beecher, Thomas Nast, the firm of Harper & Brothers, Joseph W. Hawley, Joseph Twichell, Mark Twain—in fact the majority of thinking men who held principle above party in their choice.

The Republican presidential nomination of James G. Blaine led to a political upheaval like the country had never seen before. Blaine was very popular, but he also had a lot of enemies within his own party. There were strong suspicions about his ties to questionable financial ventures that were sensitive to government influence, and while these scandals had simmered down, a significant portion of the Republican base refused to see them as unwarranted. The so-called intellectual wing of Republicanism was opposed to Blaine: George William Curtis, Charles Dudley Warner, James Russell Lowell, Henry Ward Beecher, Thomas Nast, the firm of Harper & Brothers, Joseph W. Hawley, Joseph Twichell, and Mark Twain—in fact, most of the thoughtful individuals who valued principles over party loyalty in their decisions.

On the day of the Chicago nomination, Henry C. Robinson, Charles E. Perkins, Edward M. Bunce, F. G. Whitmore, and Samuel C. Dunham were collected with Mark Twain in his billiard-room, taking turns at the game and discussing the political situation, with George, the colored butler, at the telephone down-stairs to report the returns as they came in. As fast as the ballot was received at the political headquarters down-town, it was telephoned up to the house and George reported it through the speaking-tube.

On the day of the Chicago nomination, Henry C. Robinson, Charles E. Perkins, Edward M. Bunce, F. G. Whitmore, and Samuel C. Dunham were gathered with Mark Twain in his billiard room, taking turns playing and discussing the political situation. Meanwhile, George, the black butler, was downstairs on the phone to report the returns as they came in. As soon as each ballot was received at the political headquarters downtown, it was sent up to the house by phone, and George relayed it through the speaking tube.

The opposition to Blaine in the convention was so strong that no one of the assembled players seriously expected his nomination. What was their amazement, then, when about mid-afternoon George suddenly announced through the speaking-tube that Blaine was the nominee. The butts of the billiard cues came down on the floor with a bump, and for a moment the players were speechless. Then Henry Robinson said:

The pushback against Blaine at the convention was so intense that none of the attendees really thought he would be nominated. So, everyone was shocked when, around mid-afternoon, George suddenly declared through the speaker that Blaine was the nominee. The ends of the billiard cues hit the floor with a thud, and for a moment, the players were at a loss for words. Then Henry Robinson said:

“It's hard luck to have to vote for that man.”

"It's really unfortunate to have to vote for that guy."

Clemens looked at him under his heavy brows.

Clemens looked at him from under his thick eyebrows.

“But—we don't—have to vote for him,” he said.

“But we don’t have to vote for him,” he said.

“Do you mean to say that you're not going to vote for him?”

“Are you saying you’re not going to vote for him?”

“Yes, that is what I mean to say. I am not going to vote for him.”

“Yes, that’s what I mean. I’m not voting for him.”

There was a general protest. Most of those assembled declared that when a party's representatives chose a man one must stand by him. They might choose unwisely, but the party support must be maintained. Clemens said:

There was a general protest. Most of the people gathered said that when a party selects a candidate, you have to support him. They might not make the best choice, but party loyalty must be upheld. Clemens said:

“No party holds the privilege of dictating to me how I shall vote. If loyalty to party is a form of patriotism, I am no patriot. If there is any valuable difference between a monarchist and an American, it lies in the theory that the American can decide for himself what is patriotic and what isn't. I claim that difference. I am the only person in the sixty millions that is privileged to dictate my patriotism.”

“No party has the right to tell me how to vote. If staying loyal to a party is considered a kind of patriotism, then I’m not a patriot. If there’s any real difference between a monarchist and an American, it’s the belief that Americans can determine for themselves what is patriotic and what isn’t. I assert that difference. I’m the only person among sixty million who gets to define my own patriotism.”

There was a good deal of talk back and forth, and, in the end, most of those there present remained loyal to Blaine. General Hawley and his paper stood by Blaine. Warner withdrew from his editorship of the Courant and remained neutral. Twichell stood with Clemens and came near losing his pulpit by it. Open letters were published in the newspapers about him. It was a campaign when politics divided neighbors, families, and congregations. If we except the Civil War period, there never had been a more rancorous political warfare than that waged between the parties of James G. Blaine and Grover Cleveland in 1884.

There was a lot of back-and-forth discussion, and in the end, most of the people present stayed loyal to Blaine. General Hawley and his newspaper supported Blaine. Warner stepped down from his position as editor of the Courant and remained neutral. Twichell sided with Clemens and nearly lost his pulpit because of it. Open letters criticizing him were published in the newspapers. It was a time when politics tore apart neighbors, families, and congregations. Aside from the Civil War, there had never been a more bitter political battle than the one between the parties of James G. Blaine and Grover Cleveland in 1884.

That Howells remained true to Blaine was a grief to Clemens. He had gone to the farm with Howells on his political conscience and had written fervent and imploring letters on the subject. As late as September 17th, he said:

That Howells stayed loyal to Blaine was a source of sorrow for Clemens. He had gone to the farm with Howells weighing on his political conscience and had written passionate and pleading letters about it. As recently as September 17th, he said:

    Somehow I can't seem to rest quiet under the idea of your voting for
    Blaine. I believe you said something about the country and the
    party. Certainly allegiance to these is well, but certainly a man's
    first duty is to his own conscience and honor; the party and country
    come second to that, and never first. I don't ask you to vote at
    all. I only urge you not to soil yourself by voting for Blaine....
    Don't be offended; I mean no offense. I am not concerned about the
    rest of the nation, but well, good-by.
                                   Yours ever, MARK.
    Somehow I can’t stop thinking about how you’re voting for Blaine. I think you mentioned something about the country and the party. Sure, loyalty to those is important, but a man's first responsibility is to his own conscience and honor; the party and country come after that, not before. I’m not asking you to vote at all. I just want to encourage you not to compromise your principles by voting for Blaine.... Please don’t take this the wrong way; I mean no offense. I'm not worried about the rest of the country, but well, goodbye.
                                   Yours always, MARK.

Beyond his prayerful letters to Howells, Clemens did not greatly concern himself with politics on the farm, but, returning to Hartford, he went vigorously into the campaign, presided, as usual, at mass-meetings, and made political speeches which invited the laughter of both parties, and were universally quoted and printed without regard to the paper's convictions.

Beyond his thoughtful letters to Howells, Clemens didn't pay much attention to politics on the farm, but when he returned to Hartford, he jumped into the campaign with enthusiasm, chaired mass meetings as usual, and delivered political speeches that amused both sides and were widely quoted and printed regardless of the paper's opinions.

It was during one such speech as this that, in the course of his remarks, a band outside came marching by playing patriotic music so loudly as to drown his voice. He waited till the band got by, but by the time he was well under way again another band passed, and once more he was obliged to wait till the music died away in the distance. Then he said, quite serenely:

It was during one of these speeches that, while he was speaking, a marching band outside started playing patriotic music so loudly that it drowned out his voice. He waited for the band to pass, but by the time he got back into his speech, another band came along, forcing him to wait again until the music faded away in the distance. Then he said, quite calmly:

“You will find my speech, without the music, in the morning paper.”

“You’ll find my speech, without the music, in the morning paper.”

In introducing Carl Schurz at a great mugwump mass-meeting at Hartford, October 20, 1884, he remarked that he [Clemens] was the only legitimately elected officer, and was expected to read a long list of vice-presidents; but he had forgotten all about it, and he would ask all the gentlemen there, of whatever political complexion, to do him a great favor by acting as vice-presidents. Then he said:

In introducing Carl Schurz at a big mugwump rally in Hartford on October 20, 1884, he [Clemens] mentioned that he was the only officially elected officer and was supposed to read a long list of vice-presidents; however, he had completely forgotten about it, so he asked all the gentlemen present, regardless of their political background, to do him a favor by stepping in as vice-presidents. Then he said:

    As far as my own political change of heart is concerned, I have not
    been convinced by any Democratic means. The opinion I hold of Mr.
    Blaine is due to the comments of the Republican press before the
    nomination. Not that they have said bitter or scandalous things,
    because Republican papers are above that, but the things they said
    did not seem to be complimentary, and seemed to me to imply
    editorial disapproval of Mr. Blaine and the belief that he was not
    qualified to be President of the United States.

    It is just a little indelicate for me to be here on this occasion
    before an assemblage of voters, for the reason that the ablest
    newspaper in Colorado—the ablest newspaper in the world—has
    recently nominated me for President. It is hardly fit for me to
    preside at a discussion of the brother candidate, but the best among
    us will do the most repulsive things the moment we are smitten with
    a Presidential madness. If I had realized that this canvass was to
    turn on the candidate's private character I would have started that
    Colorado paper sooner. I know the crimes that can be imputed and
    proved against me can be told on the fingers of your hands. This
    cannot be said of any other Presidential candidate in the field.
As far as my own political shift is concerned, I haven't been convinced by any Democratic methods. My opinion of Mr. Blaine comes from what the Republican press said before the nomination. Not that they made any bitter or scandalous remarks—Republican papers are above that—but their comments didn't seem flattering and suggested editorial disapproval of Mr. Blaine and the belief that he wasn't qualified to be President of the United States.

It's a bit awkward for me to be here today in front of a group of voters because the best newspaper in Colorado—the best newspaper in the world—has just nominated me for President. It hardly seems appropriate for me to lead a discussion about the other candidate, but even the best among us can do the most questionable things when we get caught up in Presidential ambition. If I had known this campaign would focus on the candidate's personal character, I would have started that Colorado paper sooner. I know the crimes that could be attributed to me can be counted on your fingers. This can't be said for any other Presidential candidate in the race.

Inasmuch as the Blaine-Cleveland campaign was essentially a campaign of scurrility, this touch was loudly applauded.

Since the Blaine-Cleveland campaign was basically a campaign of insults, this aspect was met with loud applause.

Mark Twain voted for Grover Cleveland, though up to the very eve of election he was ready to support a Republican nominee in whom he had faith, preferably Edmunds, and he tried to inaugurate a movement by which Edmunds might be nominated as a surprise candidate and sweep the country.

Mark Twain voted for Grover Cleveland, but right up until the night before the election, he was prepared to back a Republican candidate he believed in, preferably Edmunds. He even attempted to start a movement to get Edmunds nominated as a surprise candidate and rally support across the nation.

It was probably Dr. Burchard's ill-advised utterance concerning the three alleged R's of Democracy, “Rum, Romanism, and Rebellion,” that defeated Blaine, and by some strange, occult means Mark Twain's butler George got wind of this damning speech before it became news on the streets of Hartford. George had gone with his party, and had a considerable sum of money wagered on Blaine's election; but he knew it was likely to be very close, and he had an instant and deep conviction that these three fatal words and Blaine's failure to repudiate them meant the candidate's downfall. He immediately abandoned everything in the shape of household duties, and within the briefest possible time had changed enough money to make him safe, and leave him a good margin of winnings besides, in the event of Blaine's defeat. This was evening. A very little later the news of Blaine's blunder, announced from the opera-house stage, was like the explosion of a bomb. But it was no news to George, who went home rejoicing with his enemies.

It was probably Dr. Burchard's misguided comment about the three supposed R's of Democracy, “Rum, Romanism, and Rebellion,” that cost Blaine the election. Somehow, Mark Twain's butler, George, got wind of this damaging speech before it hit the streets of Hartford. George had gone out with his group and had a significant amount of money riding on Blaine's victory, but he sensed it would be a tight race. He felt an immediate and strong belief that those three disastrous words, along with Blaine's failure to distance himself from them, would lead to the candidate's defeat. He quickly set aside all his household responsibilities and, in no time, had exchanged enough money to protect himself and still leave him with a good profit if Blaine lost. This all happened in the evening. Shortly after, the news of Blaine's mistake, announced from the opera-house stage, hit like a bombshell. But it was no surprise to George, who went home celebrating with his rivals.





CLII. PLATFORMING WITH CABLE

The drain of many investments and the establishment of a publishing house had told heavily on Clemens's finances. It became desirable to earn a large sum of money with as much expedition as possible. Authors' readings had become popular, and Clemens had read in Philadelphia and Boston with satisfactory results. He now conceived the idea of a grand tour of authors as a commercial enterprise. He proposed to Aldrich, Howells, and Cable that he charter a private car for the purpose, and that with their own housekeeping arrangements, cooking, etc., they could go swinging around the circuit, reaping a golden harvest. He offered to be general manager of the expedition, the impresario as it were, and agreed to guarantee the others not less than seventy-five dollars a day apiece as their net return from the “circus,” as he called it.

The loss from various investments and the launch of a publishing house had seriously impacted Clemens's finances. It became crucial to make a substantial amount of money as quickly as possible. Author readings had gained popularity, and Clemens had performed in Philadelphia and Boston with good results. He now came up with the idea of a grand tour for authors as a business venture. He suggested to Aldrich, Howells, and Cable that he rent a private car for this purpose, and with their own arrangements for meals and other necessities, they could travel around the circuit, making a significant profit. He offered to be the overall manager of the venture, acting as the impresario, and promised to ensure the others received at least seventy-five dollars a day each as their net earnings from the “show,” as he called it.

Howells and Aldrich liked well enough to consider it as an amusing prospect, but only Cable was willing to realize it. He had been scouring the country on his own account, and he was willing enough to join forces with Mark Twain.

Howells and Aldrich thought it was a fun idea, but only Cable was ready to make it happen. He had been traveling around the country by himself, and he was more than willing to team up with Mark Twain.

Clemens detested platforming, but the idea of reading from his books or manuscript for some reason seemed less objectionable, and, as already stated, the need of much money had become important.

Clemens hated platforming, but for some reason, the thought of reading from his books or manuscripts felt less offensive, and, as mentioned before, the need for a lot of money had become significant.

He arranged with J. B. Pond for the business side of the expedition, though in reality he was its proprietor. The private-car idea was given up, but he employed Cable at a salary of four hundred and fifty dollars a week and expenses, and he paid Pond a commission. Perhaps, without going any further, we may say that the tour was a financial success, and yielded a large return of the needed funds.

He made arrangements with J. B. Pond for the business side of the trip, although he was actually in charge. The private car idea was dropped, but he hired Cable at a salary of four hundred and fifty dollars a week plus expenses, and he paid Pond a commission. We can say without going into more detail that the tour was a financial success and brought in a substantial amount of the funds needed.

Clemens and Cable had a pleasant enough time, and had it not been for the absence from home and the disagreeableness of railway travel, there would have been little to regret. They were a curiously associated pair. Cable was orthodox in his religion, devoted to Sunday-school, Bible reading, and church affairs in general. Clemens—well, Clemens was different. On the first evening of their tour, when the latter was comfortably settled in bed with an entertaining book, Cable appeared with his Bible, and proceeded to read a chapter aloud. Clemens made no comment, and this went on for an evening or two more. Then he said:

Clemens and Cable had a decent time, and if it weren't for being away from home and the hassles of train travel, there wouldn't have been much to regret. They were an oddly matched pair. Cable was traditional in his faith, dedicated to Sunday school, reading the Bible, and church activities in general. Clemens—well, Clemens was different. On the first night of their trip, when Clemens was cozied up in bed with an enjoyable book, Cable came in with his Bible and began reading a chapter out loud. Clemens didn’t say anything, and this continued for another evening or two. Then he said:

“See here, Cable, we'll have to cut this part of the program out. You can read the Bible as much as you please so long as you don't read it to me.”

“Listen, Cable, we need to cut this part of the program. You can read the Bible as much as you want, just don't read it to me.”

Cable retired courteously. He had a keen sense of humor, and most things that Mark Twain did, whether he approved or not, amused him. Cable did not smoke, but he seemed always to prefer the smoking compartment when they traveled, to the more respectable portions of the car. One day Clemens said to him:

Cable retired politely. He had a sharp sense of humor, and most of what Mark Twain did, whether he liked it or not, entertained him. Cable didn’t smoke, but he always seemed to prefer the smoking compartment when they traveled to the more respectable sections of the train. One day, Clemens said to him:

“Cable, why do you sit in here? You don't smoke, and you know I always smoke, and sometimes swear.”

“Cable, why are you sitting in here? You don't smoke, and you know I always smoke and sometimes curse.”

Cable said, “I know, Mark, I don't do these things, but I can't help admiring the way you do them.”

Cable said, “I know, Mark, I don't do these things, but I can't help admiring how you do them.”

When Sunday came it was Mark Twain's great happiness to stay in bed all day, resting after his week of labor; but Cable would rise, bright and chipper, dress himself in neat and suitable attire, and visit the various churches and Sunday-schools in town, usually making a brief address at each, being always invited to do so.

When Sunday rolled around, it brought Mark Twain immense joy to stay in bed all day, resting after a week of work. In contrast, Cable would get up feeling energetic and lively, dress neatly, and visit the different churches and Sunday schools in town, often giving a short speech at each one, as he was always invited to do so.

It seems worth while to include one of the Clemens-Cable programs here—a most satisfactory one. They varied it on occasion, and when they were two nights in a place changed it completely, but the program here given was the one they were likely to use after they had proved its worth:

It seems worthwhile to include one of the Clemens-Cable programs here—a very satisfying one. They occasionally changed it up, and when they stayed in one place for two nights, they completely switched it out, but the program provided here was the one they were likely to use after proving its worth:

                       PROGRAM

              Richling's visit to Kate Riley
                                GEO. W. CABLE

              King Sollermun
                                MARK TWAIN

              (a) Kate Riley and Ristofolo
              (b) Narcisse in mourning for “Lady Byron”
               (c) Mary's Night Ride
                                GEO. W. CABLE
              (a) Tragic Tale of the Fishwife
              (b) A Trying Situation
              (c) A Ghost Story
                                MARK TWAIN
                       PROGRAM

              Richling's visit to Kate Riley
                                GEO. W. CABLE

              King Sollermun
                                MARK TWAIN

              (a) Kate Riley and Ristofolo
              (b) Narcisse in mourning for “Lady Byron”
              (c) Mary's Night Ride
                                GEO. W. CABLE
              (a) Tragic Tale of the Fishwife
              (b) A Trying Situation
              (c) A Ghost Story
                                MARK TWAIN

At a Mark Twain memorial meeting (November 30, 1910), where the few who were left of his old companions told over quaint and tender memories, George Cable recalled their reading days together and told of Mark Twain's conscientious effort to do his best, to be worthy of himself, regardless of all other concerns. He told how when they had been traveling for a while Clemens seemed to realize that he was only giving the audience nonsense; making them laugh at trivialities which they would forget before they had left the entertainment hall. Cable said that up to that time he had supposed Clemens's chief thought was the entertainment of the moment, and that if the audience laughed he was satisfied. He told how he had sat in the wings, waiting his turn, and heard the tides of laughter gather and roll forward and break against the footlights, time and time again, and how he had believed his colleague to be glorying in that triumph. What was his surprise, then, on the way to the hotel in the carriage, when Clemens groaned and seemed writhing in spirit and said:

At a Mark Twain memorial meeting (November 30, 1910), where the few remaining old friends shared charming and heartfelt memories, George Cable reminisced about their reading days together and spoke about Mark Twain's dedicated effort to do his best and stay true to himself, regardless of anything else. He recounted how after they had been traveling for a while, Clemens seemed to realize that he was only entertaining the audience with nonsense; making them laugh at trivial things they would forget as soon as they left the venue. Cable mentioned that until that point, he had thought Clemens's main concern was providing entertainment in the moment and that if the audience laughed, he felt fulfilled. He described how he had sat in the wings, waiting his turn, listening to waves of laughter building up and crashing against the footlights repeatedly, and how he believed his colleague was reveling in that success. His surprise came while they were heading to the hotel in the carriage, when Clemens groaned and appeared to be in turmoil, saying:

“Oh, Cable, I am demeaning myself. I am allowing myself to be a mere buffoon. It's ghastly. I can't endure it any longer.”

“Oh, Cable, I’m humiliating myself. I’m letting myself be just a joke. It’s awful. I can’t take it anymore.”

Cable added that all that night and the next day Mark Twain devoted himself to the study and rehearsal of selections which were justified not only as humor, but as literature and art.

Cable added that all that night and the next day, Mark Twain dedicated himself to studying and rehearsing selections that were worthy not just as humor, but also as literature and art.

A good many interesting and amusing things would happen on such a tour. Many of these are entirely forgotten, of course, but of others certain memoranda have been preserved. Grover Cleveland had been elected when they set out on their travels, but was still holding his position in Albany as Governor of New York. When they reached Albany Cable and Clemens decided to call on him. They drove to the Capitol and were shown into the Governor's private office. Cleveland made them welcome, and, after greetings, said to Clemens:

A lot of interesting and funny things would happen on that trip. Many of those moments are completely forgotten, but some notes have been kept. Grover Cleveland had been elected when they started their travels but was still serving as the Governor of New York in Albany. When they arrived in Albany, Cable and Clemens decided to visit him. They drove to the Capitol and were taken into the Governor's private office. Cleveland welcomed them, and after exchanging greetings, he said to Clemens:

“Mr. Clemens, I was a fellow-citizen of yours in Buffalo a good many months some years ago, but you never called on me then. How do you explain this?”

“Mr. Clemens, I was a fellow citizen of yours in Buffalo quite a few months some years ago, but you never reached out to me back then. How do you explain this?”

Clemens said: “Oh, that is very simple to answer, your Excellency. In Buffalo you were a sheriff. I kept away from the sheriff as much as possible, but you're Governor now, and on the way to the Presidency. It's worth while coming to see you.”

Clemens said, “Oh, that's really easy to answer, Your Excellency. You were a sheriff in Buffalo. I avoided the sheriff as much as I could, but now you're the Governor and on your way to the Presidency. It's definitely worth coming to see you.”

Clemens meantime had been resting, half sitting, on the corner of the Executive desk. He leaned back a little, and suddenly about a dozen young men opened various doors, filed in and stood at attention, as if waiting for orders.

Clemens had been resting, half sitting, on the corner of the executive desk. He leaned back a bit, and suddenly about a dozen young men opened various doors, filed in, and stood at attention, as if waiting for instructions.

No one spoke for a moment; then the Governor said to this collection of attendants:

No one said anything for a moment; then the Governor addressed the group of attendants:

“You are dismissed, young gentlemen. Your services are not required. Mr. Clemens is sitting on the bells.”

“You're dismissed, young men. We don't need your help right now. Mr. Clemens is sitting on the bells.”

In Buffalo, when Clemens appeared on the stage, he leisurely considered the audience for a moment; then he said:

In Buffalo, when Clemens stepped onto the stage, he took a moment to casually survey the audience; then he said:

“I miss a good many faces. They have gone—gone to the tomb, to the gallows, or to the White House. All of us are entitled to at least one of these distinctions, and it behooves us to be wise and prepare for all.”

“I miss a lot of people. They've left—gone to the grave, to the executioner, or to the White House. We all deserve at least one of these honors, and it's important for us to be smart and ready for anything.”

On Thanksgiving Eve the readers were in Morristown, New Jersey, where they were entertained by Thomas Nast. The cartoonist prepared a quiet supper for them and they remained overnight in the Nast home. They were to leave next morning by an early train, and Mrs. Nast had agreed to see that they were up in due season. When she woke next morning there seemed a strange silence in the house and she grew suspicious. Going to the servants' room, she found them sleeping soundly. The alarm-clock in the back hall had stopped at about the hour the guests retired. The studio clock was also found stopped; in fact, every timepiece on the premises had retired from business. Clemens had found that the clocks interfered with his getting to sleep, and he had quieted them regardless of early trains and reading engagements. On being accused of duplicity he said:

On Thanksgiving Eve, the readers were in Morristown, New Jersey, where they enjoyed the hospitality of Thomas Nast. The cartoonist had prepared a cozy dinner for them, and they stayed overnight at the Nast home. They were set to leave the next morning on an early train, and Mrs. Nast had promised to make sure they were up on time. When she woke up the next morning, there was an unusual silence in the house that made her suspicious. She went to check on the servants and found them sleeping soundly. The alarm clock in the back hall had stopped around the time the guests went to bed. The studio clock was also stopped; in fact, every clock in the house had ceased working. Clemens had noticed that the clocks kept him from falling asleep, so he had silenced them, regardless of the early train and reading appointments. When confronted about his actions, he said:

“Well, those clocks were all overworked, anyway. They will feel much better for a night's rest.”

"Well, those clocks were all overworked, anyway. They'll feel much better after a good night's rest."

A few days later Nast sent him a caricature drawing—a picture which showed Mark Twain getting rid of the offending clocks.

A few days later, Nast sent him a cartoon drawing—a picture that showed Mark Twain getting rid of the annoying clocks.

At Christmas-time they took a fortnight's holiday and Clemens went home to Hartford. A surprise was awaiting him there. Mrs. Clemens had made an adaptation of 'The Prince and the Pauper' play, and the children of the neighborhood had prepared a presentation of it for his special delectation. He knew, on his arrival home, that something mysterious was in progress, for certain rooms were forbidden him; but he had no inkling of their plan until just before the performance—when he was led across the grounds to George Warner's home, into the large room there where it was to be given, and placed in a seat directly in front of the stage.

At Christmas, they took a two-week holiday, and Clemens went back to Hartford. A surprise awaited him there. Mrs. Clemens had adapted 'The Prince and the Pauper' into a play, and the neighborhood kids had prepared a performance just for him. He knew something mysterious was happening when he got home because certain rooms were off-limits, but he had no idea what their plan was until just before the show—when he was led across the grounds to George Warner's house, into the big room where it was set to take place, and seated right in front of the stage.

Gerhardt had painted the drop-curtain, and assisted in the general construction of scenery and effects. The result was really imposing; but presently, when the curtain rose and the guest of honor realized what it was all about, and what they had undertaken for his pleasure, he was deeply moved and supremely gratified.

Gerhardt had painted the drop curtain and helped with the overall setup of the scenery and effects. The outcome was truly impressive; however, when the curtain went up and the guest of honor understood what everything was for and what they had done to entertain him, he felt deeply touched and extremely pleased.

There was but one hitch in the performance. There is a place where the Prince says, “Fathers be alike, mayhap; mine hath not a doll's temper.”

There was just one snag in the performance. There's a part where the Prince says, “Fathers may be the same, but mine doesn’t have a doll's temperament.”

This was Susy's part, and as she said it the audience did not fail to remember its literal appropriateness. There was a moment's silence, then a titter, followed by a roar of laughter, in which everybody but the little actors joined. They did not see the humor and were disturbed and grieved. Curiously enough, Mrs Clemens herself, in arranging and casting the play, had not considered the possibility of this effect. The parts were all daintily played. The children wore their assumed personalities as if native to them. Daisy Warner played the part of Tom Canty, Clara Clemens was Lady Jane Grey.

This was Susy's role, and as she delivered it, the audience couldn't help but notice how fitting it was. There was a moment of silence, then some giggles, followed by a burst of laughter that included everyone except the little actors. They didn’t find it funny and were upset and saddened. Interestingly, Mrs. Clemens herself, while organizing and casting the play, hadn’t anticipated this reaction. All the roles were played delicately. The kids embraced their characters as if they were born to them. Daisy Warner portrayed Tom Canty, while Clara Clemens took on the role of Lady Jane Grey.

It was only the beginning of The Prince and the Pauper productions. The play was repeated, Clemens assisting, adding to the parts, and himself playing the role of Miles Hendon. In her childish biography Susy says:

It was just the start of The Prince and the Pauper productions. The play was performed again, with Clemens helping out, expanding the roles, and taking on the part of Miles Hendon himself. In her childhood biography, Susy writes:

    Papa had only three days to learn the part in, but still we were all
    sure that he could do it. The scene that he acted in was the scene
    between Miles Hendon and the Prince, the “Prithee, pour the water”
     scene. I was the Prince and papa and I rehearsed together two or
    three times a day for the three days before the appointed evening.
    Papa acted his part beautifully, and he added to the scene, making
    it a good deal longer. He was inexpressibly funny, with his great
    slouch hat and gait——oh such a gait! Papa made the Miles Hendon
    scene a splendid success and every one was delighted with the scene,
    and papa too. We had great fun with our “Prince and Pauper,” and I
    think we none of us shall forget how immensely funny papa was in it.
    He certainly could have been an actor as well as an author.
    Dad only had three days to learn his lines, but we all knew he could pull it off. The scene he was in was the one between Miles Hendon and the Prince, the “Please, pour the water” scene. I played the Prince, and Dad and I rehearsed together two or three times a day for the three days leading up to the performance. Dad acted his part brilliantly, and he even made the scene longer. He was incredibly funny, with his large slouch hat and his unique way of moving—oh, that way of moving! Dad turned the Miles Hendon scene into a huge success, and everyone loved it, including Dad. We had a blast with our “Prince and Pauper,” and I don’t think any of us will forget how hilariously funny Dad was in it. He definitely could have been an actor as well as a writer.

The holidays over, Cable and Clemens were off on the circuit again. At Rochester an incident happened which led to the writing of one of Mark Twain's important books, 'A Connecticut Yankee at King Arthur's Court'. Clemens and Cable had wandered into a book-store for the purpose of finding something to read. Pulling over some volumes on one of the tables, Clemens happened to pick up a little green, cloth-bound book, and after looking at the title turned the pages rather curiously and with increasing interest.

The holidays were over, and Cable and Clemens were back on the road again. In Rochester, an event occurred that inspired one of Mark Twain's significant works, 'A Connecticut Yankee at King Arthur's Court'. Clemens and Cable had wandered into a bookstore to find something to read. As they browsed through some books on one of the tables, Clemens happened to pick up a small green cloth-covered book. After glancing at the title, he started flipping through the pages with growing curiosity and interest.

“Cable,” he said, “do you know anything about this book, the Arthurian legends of Sir Thomas Malory, Morte Arthure?”

“Cable,” he said, “do you know anything about this book, the Arthurian legends by Sir Thomas Malory, Morte d'Arthur?”

Cable answered: “Mark, that is one of the most beautiful books in the world. Let me buy it for you. You will love it more than any book you ever read.”

Cable replied, “Mark, that’s one of the most beautiful books in the world. Let me buy it for you. You’ll love it more than any book you’ve ever read.”

So Clemens came to know the old chronicler's version of the rare Round Table legends, and from that first acquaintance with them to the last days of his life seldom let the book go far from him. He read and reread those quaint, stately tales and reverenced their beauty, while fairly reveling in the absurdities of that ancient day. Sir Ector's lament he regarded as one of the most simply beautiful pieces of writing in the English tongue, and some of the combats and quests as the most ridiculous absurdities in romance. Presently he conceived the idea of linking that day, with its customs, costumes, and abuses, with the progress of the present, or carrying back into that age of magicians and armor and superstition and cruelties a brisk American of progressive ideas who would institute reforms. His note-book began to be filled with memoranda of situations and possibilities for the tale he had in mind. These were vague, unformed fancies as yet, and it would be a long time before the story would become a fact. This was the first entry:

So Clemens became familiar with the old chronicler's version of the rare Round Table legends, and from that initial encounter until the end of his life, he rarely let the book out of his sight. He read and reread those charming, grand tales and admired their beauty while delighting in the absurdities of that ancient time. He considered Sir Ector's lament one of the most beautifully simple pieces of writing in English, while he viewed some of the battles and quests as the most ridiculous absurdities in romance. Eventually, he came up with the idea of connecting that era—with its customs, clothing, and injustices—to the modern day, or of bringing a lively American with progressive ideas back to that age of magic, armor, superstition, and cruelty to enact reforms. His notebook started to fill up with notes on scenarios and possibilities for the story he envisioned. These were still vague, unformed ideas at that point, and it would take a long time before the story would come to life. This was the first entry:

    Dream of being a knight-errant in armor in the Middle Ages. Have
    the notions and habits, though, of the present day mixed with the
    necessities of that. No pockets in the armor. No way to manage
    certain requirements of nature. Can't scratch. Cold in the head
    and can't blow. Can't get a handkerchief; can't use iron sleeve;
    iron gets red-hot in the sun; leaks in the rain; gets white with
    frost and freezes me solid in winter; makes disagreeable clatter
    when I enter church. Can't dress or undress myself. Always getting
    struck by lightning. Fall down and can't get up.
    Dream of being a knight-errant in armor in the Middle Ages. Have the ideas and habits of today mixed with the needs of that time. No pockets in the armor. No way to handle certain natural needs. Can't scratch. Cold in the head and can't blow my nose. Can't get a handkerchief; can't use iron sleeves; the metal gets red-hot in the sun; leaks in the rain; turns white with frost and freezes me solid in winter; makes an annoying noise when I walk into church. Can't dress or undress myself. Always getting struck by lightning. Fall down and can't get up.

Twenty-one years later, discussing the genesis of the story, he said:

Twenty-one years later, talking about how the story started, he said:

“As I read those quaint and curious old legends I suppose I naturally contrasted those days with ours, and it made me curious to fancy what might be the picturesque result if we could dump the nineteenth century down into the sixth century and observe the consequences.”

“As I read those strange and interesting old legends, I guess I naturally compared those days with ours, and it made me curious to imagine what the colorful outcome would be if we could drop the nineteenth century into the sixth century and see what happened.”

The reading tour continued during the first two months of the new year and carried them as far west as Chicago. They read in Hannibal and Keokuk, and Clemens spent a day in the latter place with his mother, now living with Orion, brisk and active for her years and with her old-time force of character. Mark Twain, arranging for her Keokuk residence, had written:

The reading tour went on for the first two months of the new year and took them all the way to Chicago. They performed in Hannibal and Keokuk, and Clemens spent a day in Keokuk with his mother, who was now living with Orion, lively and energetic for her age and still full of her usual strength of character. Mark Twain, planning for her stay in Keokuk, had written:

    Ma wants to board with you, and pay her board. She will pay you $20
    a month (she wouldn't pay a cent more in heaven; she is obstinate on
    this point), and as long as she remains with you and is content I
    will add $25 a month to the sum Perkins already sends you.
    Ma wants to stay with you and pay for her room and board. She’ll give you $20 a month (she won’t pay a penny more, no matter what; she’s stubborn about it), and as long as she’s with you and happy, I’ll add an extra $25 a month to what Perkins is already sending you.

Jane Clemens attended the Keokuk reading, and later, at home, when her children asked her if she could still dance, she rose, and at eighty-one tripped as lightly as a girl. It was the last time that Mark Twain ever saw his mother in the health and vigor which had been always so much a part of her personality.

Jane Clemens went to the Keokuk reading, and later, at home, when her kids asked if she could still dance, she stood up and, at eighty-one, moved as lightly as a girl. It was the last time Mark Twain saw his mother in the health and energy that had always been such a big part of who she was.

Clemens saw another relative on that trip; in St. Louis, James Lampton, the original of Colonel Sellers, called.

Clemens saw another relative on that trip; in St. Louis, James Lampton, the inspiration for Colonel Sellers, came by.

“He was become old and white-headed, but he entered to me in the same old breezy way of his earlier life, and he was all there, yet—not a detail wanting: the happy light in his eye, the abounding hope in his heart, the persuasive tongue, the miracle-breeding imagination—they were all there; and before I could turn around he was polishing up his Aladdin's lamp and flashing the secret riches of the world before me. I said to myself: “I did not overdraw him by a shade, I set him down as he was; and he is the same man to-day. Cable will recognize him.”

“He had grown old and gray, but he came to me in the same lively way he always had, and he was completely present—not a single detail missing: the joyful spark in his eye, the overflowing hope in his heart, the charming way with words, the imaginative flair that creates miracles—they were all there; and before I knew it, he was polishing his Aladdin's lamp and revealing the world's hidden treasures to me. I thought to myself: 'I didn't exaggerate him at all, I captured him just as he was; and he’s the same man today. Cable will recognize him.'”

Clemens opened the door into Cable's room and allowed the golden dream-talk to float in. It was of a “small venture” which the caller had undertaken through his son.

Clemens opened the door to Cable's room and let the warm, dreamlike conversation drift in. It was about a “small venture” that the visitor had taken on through his son.

“Only a little thing—a mere trifle—a bagatelle. I suppose there's a couple of millions in it, possibly three, but not more, I think; still, for a boy, you know——”

“Just a small thing—just a trifle—a minor issue. I guess there’s a couple million in it, maybe three, but not more, I think; still, for a kid, you know——”

It was the same old Cousin Jim. Later, when he had royally accepted some tickets for the reading and bowed his exit, Cable put his head in at the door.

It was the same old Cousin Jim. Later, when he had happily accepted some tickets for the reading and took his leave, Cable poked his head in at the door.

“That was Colonel Sellers,” he said.

"That was Colonel Sellers," he said.





CLIII. HUCK FINN COMES INTO HIS OWN

In the December Century (1884) appeared a chapter from 'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn', “The Grangerford-Shepherdson Feud,” a piece of writing which Edmund Clarence Stederian, Brander Matthews, and others promptly ranked as among Mark Twain's very best; when this was followed, in the January number, by “King Sollermun,” a chapter which in its way delighted quite as many readers, the success of the new book was accounted certain.—[Stedman, writing to Clemens of this instalment, said: “To my mind it is not only the most finished and condensed thing you have done but as dramatic and powerful an episode as I know in modern literature.”]

In December 1884, a chapter from 'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,' titled “The Grangerford-Shepherdson Feud,” was published, and writers like Edmund Clarence Stedman and Brander Matthews quickly praised it as one of Mark Twain's best works. When this was followed by “King Sollermun” in the January issue, which also captivated many readers, the success of the new book seemed certain. —[Stedman, writing to Clemens about this installment, said: “To my mind it is not only the most polished and concise work you have created but also one of the most dramatic and powerful episodes I know in modern literature.”]

'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn' was officially published in England and America in December, 1884, but the book was not in the canvassers' hands for delivery until February. By this time the orders were approximately for forty thousand copies, a number which had increased to fifty thousand a few weeks later. Webster's first publication venture was in the nature of a triumph. Clemens wrote to him March 16th:

'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn' was officially released in England and America in December 1884, but the book wasn’t in the canvassers' hands for delivery until February. By then, the orders had reached about forty thousand copies, a number that climbed to fifty thousand just a few weeks later. Webster's first publishing effort was quite a success. Clemens wrote to him on March 16th:

“Your news is splendid. Huck certainly is a success.”

"That's great news! Huck is definitely a success."

He felt that he had demonstrated his capacity as a general director and Webster had proved his efficiency as an executive. He had no further need of an outside publisher.

He felt that he had shown his abilities as a general director and Webster had proved his effectiveness as an executive. He no longer needed an outside publisher.

The story of Huck Finn will probably stand as the best of Mark Twain's purely fictional writings. A sequel to Tom Sawyer, it is greater than its predecessor; greater artistically, though perhaps with less immediate interest for the juvenile reader. In fact, the books are so different that they are not to be compared—wherein lies the success of the later one. Sequels are dangerous things when the story is continuous, but in Huckleberry Finn the story is a new one, wholly different in environment, atmosphere, purpose, character, everything. The tale of Huck and Nigger Jim drifting down the mighty river on a raft, cross-secting the various primitive aspects of human existence, constitutes one of the most impressive examples of picaresque fiction in any language. It has been ranked greater than Gil Blas, greater even than Don Quixote; certainly it is more convincing, more human, than either of these tales. Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote, “It is a book I have read four times, and am quite ready to begin again to-morrow.”

The story of Huck Finn will likely remain Mark Twain's best purely fictional work. It's a sequel to Tom Sawyer and surpasses it; it’s better artistically, though maybe not as instantly engaging for younger readers. In fact, the two books are so different that they shouldn't be compared—this is where the later one shines. Sequels can be tricky when the story continues, but in Huckleberry Finn, the tale is completely new, entirely different in setting, atmosphere, purpose, characters, and everything else. The adventure of Huck and Jim floating down the great river on a raft, exploring various basic aspects of human life, is one of the most remarkable examples of picaresque fiction in any language. It’s been regarded as being better than Gil Blas, even surpassing Don Quixote; it’s definitely more relatable and human than either of those stories. Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote, “It is a book I have read four times, and am quite ready to begin again tomorrow.”

It is by no means a flawless book, though its defects are trivial enough. The illusion of Huck as narrator fails the least bit here and there; the “four dialects” are not always maintained; the occasional touch of broad burlesque detracts from the tale's reality. We are inclined to resent this. We never wish to feel that Huck is anything but a real character. We want him always the Huck who was willing to go to hell if necessary, rather than sacrifice Nigger Jim; the Huck who watched the river through long nights, and, without caring to explain why, felt his soul go out to the sunrise.

It’s not a perfect book, but its flaws are pretty minor. The illusion of Huck as the narrator slips a little here and there; the “four dialects” aren’t always consistent; and the occasional over-the-top humor takes away from the story’s authenticity. This bothers us. We never want to feel like Huck is anything less than a real person. We want him to always be the Huck who would go to hell if it meant saving Jim, the Huck who watched the river for hours at night and, for no clear reason, felt his spirit connect with the sunrise.

    Two or three days and nights went by; I reckon I might say they swum
    by, they slid along so quiet and smooth and lovely. Here is the way
    we put in the time. It was a monstrous big river down there
    —sometimes a mile and a half wide; we run nights and laid up and hid
    daytimes; soon as the night was most gone we stopped navigating and
    tied up—nearly always in the dead water under a towhead; and then
    cut young cottonwoods and willows and hid the raft with them. Then
    we set out the lines. Next we slid into the river and had a swim,
    so as to freshen up and cool off; then we set down on the sandy
    bottom where the water was about knee deep, and watched the daylight
    come. Not a sound anywheres—perfectly still—just like the whole
    world was asleep, only sometimes the bullfrogs a-cluttering, maybe.
    The first thing to see, looking away over the water, was a kind of
    dull line—that was the woods on t'other side, you couldn't make
    nothing else out; then a pale place in the sky; then more paleness,
    spreading around; then the river softened up, away off, and warn't
    black anymore, but gray; you could see little dark spots drifting
    along, ever so far away—trading scows, and such things; and long
    black streaks—rafts; sometimes you could hear a sweep screaking; or
    jumbled up voices, it was so still, and sounds come so far; and by-
    and-by you could see a streak on the water which you know by the
    look of the streak that there's a snag there in a swift current
    which breaks on it and makes that streak look that way; and you see
    the mist curl up off the water, and the east reddens up, and the
    river, and you make out a log-cabin in the edge of the woods, away
    on the bank on t'other side of the river, being a wood-yard, likely,
    and piled by them cheats so you can throw a dog through it
    anywheres; then the nice breeze springs up, and comes fanning you
    over there, so cool and fresh, and sweet to smell, on account of the
    woods and the flowers.... And next you've got the full day, and
    everything smiling in the sun, and the song-birds just going it!
Two or three days and nights passed; I guess you could say they drifted by, sliding along so quietly, smoothly, and beautifully. Here’s how we spent our time. It was an enormous river down there—sometimes a mile and a half wide; we traveled at night and rested during the day; as soon as night was almost over, we stopped moving and tied up—almost always in the still water under a sandbar; then we cut down young cottonwoods and willows and hid the raft with them. After that, we set out the lines. Next, we slipped into the river for a swim to freshen up and cool off; then we sat down on the sandy bottom where the water was about knee-deep and watched the daylight appear. Not a sound anywhere—perfectly still—like the whole world was asleep, except for the occasional croaking of bullfrogs. The first thing to see, looking out over the water, was a sort of dull line—that was the woods on the other side; you couldn’t make out anything else; then a pale spot in the sky; then more light spreading around; then the river changed from black to gray in the distance; you could see little dark spots drifting along, far away—trading scows and things like that; and long black streaks—rafts; sometimes you could hear a paddle squeaking or jumbled voices, so quiet that sounds carried far away; and eventually, you could see a streak on the water that you knew by its appearance meant there was a snag in a swift current breaking against it, creating that streak; and you’d see the mist rising off the water, the east turning red, and the river, and you could make out a log cabin at the edge of the woods on the opposite bank, probably a woodyard, piled up so that you could throw a dog through it anywhere; then a nice breeze would spring up, cooling and refreshing you, with a sweet smell from the woods and flowers.... And then you had the full day, everything shining in the sun, and the songbirds just singing away!

This is the Huck we want, and this is the Huck we usually have, and that the world has long been thankful for.

This is the Huck we want, and this is the Huck we usually have, and that the world has long appreciated.

Take the story as a whole, it is a succession of startling and unique pictures. The cabin in the swamp which Huck and his father used together in their weird, ghastly relationship; the night adventure with Jim on the wrecked steamboat; Huck's night among the towheads; the Grangerford-Shepherdson battle; the killing of Boggs—to name a few of the many vivid presentations—these are of no time or literary fashion and will never lose their flavor nor their freshness so long as humanity itself does not change. The terse, unadorned Grangerford-Shepherdson episode—built out of the Darnell—Watson feuds—[See Life on the Mississippi, chap. xxvi. Mark Twain himself, as a cub pilot, came near witnessing the battle he describes.]—is simply classic in its vivid casualness, and the same may be said of almost every incident on that long river-drift; but this is the strength, the very essence of picaresque narrative. It is the way things happen in reality; and the quiet, unexcited frame of mind in which Huck is prompted to set them down would seem to be the last word in literary art. To Huck, apparently, the killing of Boggs and Colonel Sherburn's defiance of the mob are of about the same historical importance as any other incidents of the day's travel. When Colonel Sherburn threw his shotgun across his arm and bade the crowd disperse Huck says:

Looking at the story as a whole, it's a series of surprising and one-of-a-kind scenes. The cabin in the swamp that Huck and his father shared in their strange, haunting relationship; the nighttime adventure with Jim on the wrecked steamboat; Huck's night among the islands; the Grangerford-Shepherdson feud; the killing of Boggs—just to name a few of the many vivid moments—these are timeless and won't lose their impact or freshness as long as humanity remains unchanged. The straightforward, unembellished Grangerford-Shepherdson episode—based on the Darnell-Watson feuds—[See Life on the Mississippi, chap. xxvi. Mark Twain himself, as a young pilot, came very close to witnessing the battle he describes.]—is simply a classic in its vivid simplicity, and the same can be said for almost every incident during that long river journey; but this is the strength, the very essence of a picaresque narrative. It reflects how things actually happen in real life; and the calm, unexcited way in which Huck records them seems to represent the peak of literary art. For Huck, it seems like the killing of Boggs and Colonel Sherburn's challenge to the mob are of about the same significance as any other events from that day's travel. When Colonel Sherburn threw his shotgun over his shoulder and told the crowd to disperse, Huck says:

    The crowd washed back sudden, and then broke all apart and went
    tearing off every which way, and Buck Harkness he heeled it after
    them, looking tolerable cheap. I could a staid if I'd a wanted to,
    but I didn't want to.

    I went to the circus, and loafed around the back side till the
    watchman went by, and then dived in under the tent.
    The crowd suddenly pushed back, then split up and scattered in all directions, and Buck Harkness took off after them, looking pretty foolish. I could have stayed if I wanted to, but I didn't.

    I went to the circus and hung around the back until the watchman walked by, then I slipped under the tent.

That is all. No reflections, no hysterics; a murder and a mob dispersed, all without a single moral comment. And when the Shepherdsons had got done killing the Grangerfords, and Huck had tugged the two bodies ashore and covered Buck Grangerford's face with a handkerchief, crying a little because Buck had been good to him, he spent no time in sentimental reflection or sermonizing, but promptly hunted up Jim and the raft and sat down to a meal of corn-dodgers, buttermilk, pork and cabbage, and greens:

That’s it. No thoughts, no drama; a murder and a mob scattered, all without a single moral commentary. And when the Shepherdsons were done killing the Grangerfords, and Huck pulled the two bodies to shore and covered Buck Grangerford's face with a handkerchief, tearing up a bit because Buck had been nice to him, he didn’t dwell on sentimental thoughts or preach; he quickly found Jim and the raft and sat down for a meal of corn-dodgers, buttermilk, pork, cabbage, and greens:

    There ain't nothing in the world so good, when it is cooked right;
    and while I eat my supper we talked, and had a good time. I was
    powerful glad to get away from the feuds, and so was Jim to get away
    from the swamp. We said there warn't no home like a raft, after
    all. Other places do seem so cramped up and smothery, but a raft
    don't; you feel mighty free and easy and comfortable on a raft.
    There's nothing in the world as good as food when it's cooked right; and while I ate my supper, we talked and had a great time. I was really glad to escape the feuds, and Jim was happy to get away from the swamp. We agreed there’s no place like a raft, after all. Other places feel so tight and suffocating, but a raft doesn’t; you feel really free, relaxed, and comfortable on a raft.

It was Huck Finn's morality that caused the book to be excluded from the Concord Library, and from other libraries here and there at a later day. The orthodox mental attitude of certain directors of juvenile literature could not condone Huck's looseness in the matter of statement and property rights, and in spite of New England traditions, Massachusetts librarians did not take any too kindly to his uttered principle that, after thinking it over and taking due thought on the deadly sin of abolition, he had decided that he'd go to hell rather than give Jim over to slavery. Poor vagrant Ben Blankenship, hiding his runaway negro in an Illinois swamp, could not dream that his humanity would one day supply the moral episode of an immortal book.

It was Huck Finn's sense of morality that led to the book being banned from the Concord Library and other libraries later on. The conventional mindset of some youth literature directors couldn't accept Huck’s casual approach to honesty and property rights, and despite New England traditions, Massachusetts librarians were not particularly fond of his stated belief that, after considering the issue and reflecting on the serious sin of supporting slavery, he chose to go to hell rather than hand Jim over to slavery. Poor vagrant Ben Blankenship, hiding his runaway slave in an Illinois swamp, could never have imagined that his compassion would eventually contribute to a moral story in an immortal book.

Able critics have declared that the psychology of Huck Finn is the book's large feature: Huck's moral point of view—the struggle between his heart and his conscience concerning the sin of Jim's concealment, and his final decision of self-sacrifice. Time may show that as an epic of the river, the picture of a vanished day, it will rank even greater. The problems of conscience we have always with us, but periods once passed are gone forever. Certainly Huck's loyalty to that lovely soul Nigger Jim was beautiful, though after all it may not have been so hard for Huck, who could be loyal to anything. Huck was loyal to his father, loyal to Tom Sawyer of course, loyal even to those two river tramps and frauds, the King and the Duke, for whom he lied prodigiously, only weakening when a new and livelier loyalty came into view—loyalty to Mary Wilks.

Skilled critics have said that the psychology of Huck Finn is the book's main feature: Huck's moral perspective—the struggle between his feelings and his conscience about Jim's secrecy, and his ultimate choice of self-sacrifice. Time may reveal that as an epic of the river, capturing a lost era, it will be even more significant. The issues of conscience are always with us, but the times that have passed are gone forever. Huck's loyalty to that wonderful person, Jim, was truly admirable, although it might not have been too difficult for Huck, who was generally loyal to anything. Huck was loyal to his father, loyal to Tom Sawyer, and even loyal to those two con artists, the King and the Duke, for whom he lied a lot, only wavering when a new and stronger loyalty appeared—loyalty to Mary Wilks.

The King and the Duke, by the way, are not elsewhere matched in fiction. The Duke was patterned after a journeyman-printer Clemens had known in Virginia City, but the King was created out of refuse from the whole human family—“all tears and flapdoodle,” the very ultimate of disrepute and hypocrisy—so perfect a specimen that one must admire, almost love, him. “Hain't we all the fools in town on our side? and ain't that a big enough majority in any town?” he asks in a critical moment—a remark which stamps him as a philosopher of classic rank. We are full of pity at last when this pair of rapscallions ride out of the history on a rail, and feel some of Huck's inclusive loyalty and all the sorrowful truth of his comment: “Human beings can be awful cruel to one another.”

The King and the Duke are unlike any other characters in fiction. The Duke was based on a journeyman printer Clemens had met in Virginia City, but the King was formed from the worst of humanity—“all tears and nonsense,” the epitome of disgrace and hypocrisy—so much so that you can't help but admire him, even feel a bit of affection. “Aren't we all the fools in town on our side? And isn't that a big enough majority in any town?” he says at a critical moment, a statement that marks him as a philosopher of true merit. In the end, we feel pity when this duo of troublemakers gets run out of town on a rail, and we share Huck's deep loyalty and the painful truth of his words: “People can be really cruel to one another.”

The “poor old king” Huck calls him, and confesses how he felt “ornery and humble and to blame, somehow,” for the old scamp's misfortunes. “A person's conscience ain't got no sense,” he says, and Huck is never more real to us, or more lovable, than in that moment. Huck is what he is because, being made so, he cannot well be otherwise. He is a boy throughout—such a boy as Mark Twain had known and in some degree had been. One may pettily pick a flaw here and there in the tale's construction if so minded, but the moral character of Huck himself is not open to criticism. And indeed any criticism of this the greatest of Mark Twain's tales of modern life would be as the mere scratching of the granite of an imperishable structure. Huck Finn is a monument that no puny pecking will destroy. It is built of indestructible blocks of human nature; and if the blocks do not always fit, and the ornaments do not always agree, we need not fear. Time will blur the incongruities and moss over the mistakes. The edifice will grow more beautiful with the years.

Huck refers to him as the “poor old king” and admits that he felt “ornery and humble and somehow responsible” for the old scammer's misfortunes. “A person's conscience doesn't have any sense,” he says, and Huck is never more real to us, or more lovable, than in that moment. Huck is who he is because he can't really be anyone else. He remains a boy throughout—just the kind of boy that Mark Twain had known and to some extent had been himself. One could nitpick a flaw here and there in the story’s structure if they wanted, but Huck’s moral character is beyond criticism. In fact, any critique of this, the greatest of Mark Twain's stories of modern life, would be like scratching the surface of a timeless masterpiece. Huck Finn is a monument that no petty attacks will bring down. It’s built from the unbreakable components of human nature; and even if the pieces don't always fit perfectly, and the details don't always match, we shouldn't worry. Time will smooth out the inconsistencies and cover up the mistakes. The structure will become more beautiful as the years go by.





CLIV. THE MEMOIRS OF GENERAL GRANT

The success of Huck Finn, though sufficiently important in itself, prepared the way for a publishing venture by the side of which it dwindled to small proportions. One night (it was early in November, 1884), when Cable and Clemens had finished a reading at Chickering Hall, Clemens, coming out into the wet blackness, happened to hear Richard Watson Gilder's voice say to some unseen companion:

The success of Huck Finn, while significant on its own, set the stage for a publishing project that made it seem minor by comparison. One night (it was early November 1884), after Cable and Clemens had finished a reading at Chickering Hall, Clemens stepped out into the wet darkness and happened to overhear Richard Watson Gilder speaking to an unseen companion:

“Do you know General Grant has actually determined to write his memoirs and publish them. He has said so to-day, in so many words.”

“Do you know General Grant has really decided to write his memoirs and publish them? He said so today, word for word.”

Of course Clemens was immediately interested. It was the thing he had proposed to Grant some three years previously, during his call that day with Howells concerning the Toronto consulship.

Of course, Clemens was instantly intrigued. It was the idea he had suggested to Grant about three years earlier during his meeting with Howells regarding the Toronto consulship.

With Mrs. Clemens, he promptly overtook Gilder and accompanied him to his house, where they discussed the matter in its various particulars. Gilder said that the Century Editors had endeavored to get Grant to contribute to their war series, but that not until his financial disaster, as a member of the firm of Grant & Ward, had he been willing to consider the matter. He said that Grant now welcomed the idea of contributing three papers to the series, and that the promised payment of five hundred dollars each for these articles had gladdened his heart and relieved him of immediate anxiety.—[Somewhat later the Century Company, voluntarily, added liberally to this sum.]

With Mrs. Clemens, he quickly caught up with Gilder and went to his house, where they talked about the issue in detail. Gilder said that the Century Editors had tried to get Grant to write for their war series, but it wasn't until he faced financial troubles as a partner in Grant & Ward that he was open to the idea. He mentioned that Grant was now eager to contribute three articles to the series, and the promised payment of five hundred dollars each for these pieces had lifted his spirits and eased his immediate worries. —[Somewhat later the Century Company, voluntarily, added liberally to this sum.]

Gilder added that General Grant seemed now determined to continue his work until he had completed a book, though this at present was only a prospect.

Gilder added that General Grant now seemed set on continuing his work until he finished a book, though right now that was just a possibility.

Clemens was in the habit of calling on Grant, now and then, to smoke a cigar with him, and he dropped in next morning to find out just how far the book idea had developed, and what were the plans of publication. He found the General and his son, Colonel Fred Grant, discussing some memoranda, which turned out to be a proposition from the Century Company for the book publication of his memoirs. Clemens asked to be allowed to look over the proposed terms, and when he had done so he said:

Clemens would occasionally visit Grant to smoke a cigar together, and he stopped by the next morning to see how the book idea was coming along and what the publication plans were. He found the General and his son, Colonel Fred Grant, going over some notes, which turned out to be an offer from the Century Company for publishing his memoirs. Clemens asked to review the proposed terms, and after doing so, he said:

“General, it is clear that the Century people do not realize the importance—the commercial magnitude of your book. It is not strange that this is true, for they are comparatively new publishers and have had little or no experience with books of this class. The terms they propose indicate that they expect to sell five, possibly ten thousand copies. A book from your hand, telling the story of your life and battles, should sell not less than a quarter of a million, perhaps twice that sum. It should be sold only by subscription, and you are entitled to double the royalty here proposed. I do not believe it is to your interest to conclude this contract without careful thought and investigation. Write to the American Publishing Company at Hartford and see what they will do for you.”

“General, it’s clear that the Century people don’t understand the significance—the commercial value of your book. It’s not surprising since they’re relatively new publishers and lack experience with books like yours. The terms they’re offering suggest that they expect to sell five, maybe ten thousand copies. A book from you, sharing the story of your life and battles, should sell at least a quarter of a million copies, possibly even double that. It should be available only by subscription, and you deserve double the royalty they’re proposing. I don’t think it’s in your best interest to finalize this contract without careful consideration and research. Contact the American Publishing Company in Hartford and see what they can offer you.”

But Grant demurred. He said that, while no arrangements had been made with the Century Company, he thought it only fair and right that they should have the book on reasonable terms; certainly on terms no greater than he could obtain elsewhere. He said that, all things being equal, the book ought to go to the man who had first suggested it to him.

But Grant disagreed. He said that, while no agreements had been made with the Century Company, he believed it was only fair that they should get the book on reasonable terms; definitely on terms no worse than he could get elsewhere. He mentioned that, all things considered, the book should go to the person who first suggested it to him.

Clemens spoke up: “General, if that is so, it belongs to me.”

Clemens said, “General, if that's the case, it belongs to me.”

Grant did not understand until Clemens recalled to him how he had urged him, in that former time, to write his memoirs; had pleaded with him, agreeing to superintend the book's publication. Then he said:

Grant didn’t realize until Clemens reminded him how he had encouraged him back then to write his memoirs; how he had begged him, promising to oversee the book’s publication. Then he said:

“General, I am publishing my own book, and by the time yours is ready it is quite possible that I shall have the best equipped subscription establishment in the country. If you will place your book with my firm—and I feel that I have at least an equal right in the consideration—I will pay you twenty per cent. of the list price, or, if you prefer, I will give you seventy per cent. of the net returns and I will pay all office expenses out of my thirty per cent.”

“General, I’m publishing my own book, and by the time yours is ready, it’s likely that I will have the best-equipped subscription service in the country. If you allow me to represent your book with my company—and I believe I have at least an equal right to that consideration—I’ll give you twenty percent of the list price, or, if you prefer, I’ll give you seventy percent of the net profits and I’ll cover all office expenses from my thirty percent.”

General Grant was really grieved at this proposal. It seemed to him that here was a man who was offering to bankrupt himself out of pure philanthropy—a thing not to be permitted. He intimated that he had asked the Century Company president, Roswell Smith, a careful-headed business man, if he thought his book would pay as well as Sherman's, which the Scribners had published at a profit to Sherman of twenty-five thousand dollars, and that Smith had been unwilling to guarantee that amount to the author.—[Mark Twain's note-book, under date of March, 1885, contains this memorandum: “Roswell Smith said to me: 'I'm glad you got the book, Mr. Clemens; glad there was somebody with courage enough to take it, under the circumstances. What do you think the General wanted to require of me?'

General Grant was genuinely upset by this proposal. He felt that here was someone willing to ruin himself for the sake of helping others—a situation that shouldn’t be allowed. He mentioned that he had asked the president of the Century Company, Roswell Smith, a sensible businessman, if he thought his book would make as much money as Sherman’s did, which the Scribners published, earning Sherman twenty-five thousand dollars in profit. Smith had been reluctant to promise that amount to the author.—[Mark Twain's notebook, dated March 1885, includes this note: “Roswell Smith said to me: 'I'm glad you got the book, Mr. Clemens; glad there was somebody with the courage to take it, considering the circumstances. What do you think the General wanted to ask of me?'

“'He wanted me to insure a sale of twenty-five thousand sets of his book. I wouldn't risk such a guarantee on any book that was ever published.'”

“He wanted me to guarantee a sale of twenty-five thousand copies of his book. I wouldn’t take that kind of risk on any book that’s ever been published.”

Yet Roswell Smith, not so many years later, had so far enlarged his views of subscription publishing that he fearlessly and successfully invested a million dollars or more in a dictionary, regardless of the fact that the market was already thought to be supplied.]

Yet Roswell Smith, not long after, had broadened his perspective on subscription publishing so much that he confidently and successfully invested over a million dollars in a dictionary, despite the belief that the market was already saturated.

Clemens said:

Clemens stated:

“General, I have my check-book with me. I will draw you a check now for twenty-five thousand dollars for the first volume of your memoirs, and will add a like amount for each volume you may write as an advance royalty payment, and your royalties will continue right along when this amount has been reached.”

“General, I have my checkbook with me. I’ll write you a check right now for twenty-five thousand dollars for the first volume of your memoirs, and I’ll add the same amount for each volume you write as an advance royalty payment, and your royalties will keep coming in after that amount has been reached.”

Colonel Fred Grant now joined in urging that matters be delayed, at least until more careful inquiry concerning the possibilities of publishing could be made.

Colonel Fred Grant also joined in pushing for a delay, at least until a more thorough investigation into the possibilities of publishing could be conducted.

Clemens left then, and set out on his trip with Cable, turning the whole matter over to Webster and Colonel Fred for settlement. Meantime, the word that General Grant was writing his memoirs got into the newspapers and various publishing propositions came to him. In the end the General sent over to Philadelphia for his old friend, George W. Childs, and laid the whole matter before him. Childs said later it was plain that General Grant, on the score of friendship, if for no other reason, distinctly wished to give the book to Mark Twain. It seemed not to be a question of how much money he would make, but of personal feeling entirely. Webster's complete success with Huck Finn being now demonstrated, Colonel Fred Grant agreed that he believed Clemens and Webster could handle the book as profitably as anybody; and after investigation Childs was of the same opinion. The decision was that the firm of Charles L. Webster & Co. should have the book, and arrangements for drawing the contract were made.

Clemens left and set out on his trip with Cable, leaving the whole situation to Webster and Colonel Fred to resolve. In the meantime, news that General Grant was writing his memoirs made its way to the newspapers, and various publishing offers came his way. Eventually, the General reached out to his old friend, George W. Childs in Philadelphia, and shared everything with him. Childs later noted that it was clear General Grant, out of friendship if for no other reason, genuinely wanted to give the book to Mark Twain. It seemed less about how much money he could make and more about personal sentiment. With Webster's successful handling of Huck Finn now proven, Colonel Fred Grant agreed that he believed Clemens and Webster could manage the book just as profitably as anyone else; after some investigation, Childs felt the same way. It was decided that the firm of Charles L. Webster & Co. would handle the book, and arrangements were made to draw up the contract.

General Grant, however, was still somewhat uneasy as to the terms. He thought he was taking an unfair advantage in receiving so large a proportion of the profits. He wrote to Clemens, asking him which of his two propositions—the twenty per cent. gross-royalty or the seventy per cent. of the net profit—would be the best all around. Clemens sent Webster to tell him that he believed the simplest, as well as the most profitable for the author, would be the twenty per cent. arrangement. Whereupon Grant replied that he would take the alternative; as in that case, if the book were a failure, and there were no profits, Clemens would not be obliged to pay him anything. He could not consent to the thought of receiving twenty per cent. on a book published at a loss.

General Grant was still a bit uneasy about the terms. He felt like he was getting an unfair advantage by getting such a large share of the profits. He wrote to Clemens, asking which of his two options—the twenty percent gross royalty or the seventy percent of the net profit—would be the best overall. Clemens sent Webster to let him know that he believed the simplest and most profitable option for the author would be the twenty percent arrangement. In response, Grant said he would go with the other option; that way, if the book failed and there were no profits, Clemens wouldn’t have to pay him anything. He couldn't agree to the idea of receiving twenty percent on a book that was published at a loss.

Meantime, Grant had developed a serious illness. The humiliation of his business failure had undermined his health. The papers announced his malady as cancer of the tongue. In a memorandum which Clemens made, February 26, 1885, he states that on the 21st he called at the Grant home, 3 East 66th Street, and was astonished to see how thin and weak the General looked. He was astonished because the newspaper, in a second report, had said the threatening symptoms had disappeared, that the cancer alarm was a false one.

Meanwhile, Grant had become seriously ill. The embarrassment from his business failure had taken a toll on his health. The newspapers reported that he had cancer of the tongue. In a memo that Clemens wrote on February 26, 1885, he noted that on the 21st he visited the Grant home at 3 East 66th Street and was shocked by how thin and weak the General appeared. He was surprised because a second report from the newspaper had stated that the alarming symptoms had vanished, claiming the cancer scare was unfounded.

    I took for granted the report, and said I had been glad to see that
    news. He smiled and said, “Yes—if it had only been true.”

    One of the physicians was present, and he startled me by saying the
    General's condition was the opposite of encouraging.

    Then the talk drifted to business, and the General presently said:
    “I mean you shall have the book—I have about made up my mind to
    that—but I wish to write to Mr. Roswell Smith first, and tell him I
    have so decided. I think this is due him.”

    From the beginning the General has shown a fine delicacy toward
    those people—a delicacy which was native to the character of the
    man who put into the Appomattox terms of surrender the words,
    “Officers may retain their side-arms,” to save General Lee the
    humiliation of giving up his sword. [Note-book.]
    I took the report for granted and mentioned that I was happy to hear the news. He smiled and said, “Yes—if only it were true.”

    One of the doctors was there, and he surprised me by saying that the General's condition was actually quite serious.

    Then the conversation shifted to business, and the General eventually said: “I mean for you to have the book—I've pretty much decided on that—but I want to write to Mr. Roswell Smith first and let him know about my decision. I think that’s the right thing to do.”

    From the start, the General has shown a remarkable sensitivity toward those people—a sensitivity that was inherent in the character of the man who included the phrase, “Officers may retain their side-arms,” in the Appomattox terms of surrender to spare General Lee the embarrassment of surrendering his sword. [Note-book.]

The physician present was Dr. Douglas, and upon Clemens assuming that the General's trouble was probably due to smoking, also that it was a warning to those who smoked to excess, himself included, Dr. Douglas said that General Grant's affliction could not be attributed altogether to smoking, but far more to his distress of mind, his year-long depression of spirit, the grief of his financial disaster. Dr. Douglas's remark started General Grant upon the subject of his connection with Ward, which he discussed with great freedom and apparent relief of mind. Never at any time did he betray any resentment toward Ward, but characterized him as one might an offending child. He spoke as a man who has been deeply wronged and humiliated and betrayed, but without a venomous expression or one with revengeful nature. Clemens confessed in his notes that all the time he himself was “inwardly boiling—scalping Ward—flaying him alive—breaking him on the wheel—pounding him to a jelly.”

The doctor in attendance was Dr. Douglas, and when Clemens assumed that the General's issues were likely due to smoking, as well as a warning for those who smoked too much, including himself, Dr. Douglas explained that General Grant's problems couldn't be solely attributed to smoking, but rather to his troubled mind, his long-standing depression, and the pain of his financial troubles. Dr. Douglas's comment prompted General Grant to talk about his relationship with Ward, which he did with surprising openness and noticeable relief. At no point did he show any bitterness toward Ward, instead describing him as one might address a misbehaving child. He spoke like someone who had been profoundly wronged, humiliated, and betrayed, but without any hint of malice or revenge. Clemens admitted in his notes that throughout this conversation, he was “inwardly boiling—scalping Ward—flaying him alive—breaking him on the wheel—pounding him to a jelly.”

While he was talking Colonel Grant said:

While he was talking, Colonel Grant said:

“Father is letting you see that the Grant family are a pack of fools, Mr. Clemens.”

“Dad is showing you that the Grant family is a bunch of fools, Mr. Clemens.”

The General objected to this statement. He said that the facts could be produced which would show that when Ward laid siege to a man he was pretty certain to turn out to be a fool; as much of a fool as any of the Grant family. He said that nobody could call the president of the Erie Railroad a fool, yet Ward had beguiled him of eight hundred thousand dollars, robbed him of every cent of it.

The General disagreed with this statement. He claimed that there were facts that could prove that when Ward targeted someone, they were almost guaranteed to be a fool; just as foolish as anyone in the Grant family. He remarked that no one could label the president of the Erie Railroad a fool, yet Ward had tricked him out of eight hundred thousand dollars, taking every last cent.

He cited another man that no one could call a fool who had invested in Ward to the extent of half a million. He went on to recall many such cases. He told of one man who had come to the office on the eve of departure for Europe and handed Ward a check for fifty thousand dollars, saying:

He mentioned another guy that no one could consider a fool who had invested half a million in Ward. He continued to share several similar cases. He talked about one person who had come to the office just before leaving for Europe and gave Ward a check for fifty thousand dollars, saying:

“I have no use for it at present. See what you can do with it for me.” By and by this investor, returning from Europe, dropped in and said:

"I don't need it right now. Do whatever you can with it for me." Eventually, this investor, back from Europe, stopped by and said:

“Well, did anything happen?”

"Did anything happen?"

Ward indifferently turned to his private ledger, consulted it, then drew a check for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars, and handed it over, with the casual remark:

Ward casually turned to his private ledger, checked it, then wrote a check for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars, and handed it over with a nonchalant comment:

“Well, yes, something happened; not much yet—a little too soon.”

“Well, yeah, something happened; not a lot yet—a bit too early.”

The man stared at the check, then thrust it back into Ward's hand. “That's all right. It's plenty good enough for me. Set that hen again,” and left the place.

The man looked at the check, then shoved it back into Ward's hand. “That's fine. It's more than enough for me. Set that hen again,” and walked out.

Of course Ward made no investments. His was the first playing on a colossal scale of the now worn-out “get rich quick” confidence game. Such dividends as were made came out of the principal. Ward was the Napoleon of that game, whether he invented it or not. Clemens agreed that, as far as himself or any of his relatives were concerned, they would undoubtedly have trusted Ward.

Of course, Ward didn't make any investments. He was the first to play the “get rich quick” scheme on such a massive scale, a game that was already old news. Any profits that were made came from the original amount invested. Ward was the Napoleon of that game, regardless of whether he created it or not. Clemens agreed that, as far as he or his family were concerned, they definitely would have trusted Ward.

Colonel Grant followed him to the door when he left, and told him that the physicians feared his father might not live more than a few weeks longer, but that meantime he had been writing steadily, and that the first volume was complete and fully half the second. Three days later the formal contract was closed, and Webster & Co. promptly advanced. General Grant ten thousand dollars for imminent demands, a welcome arrangement, for Grant's debts and expenses were many, and his available resources restricted to the Century payments for his articles.

Colonel Grant went to the door with him as he left and told him that the doctors were worried his father might not survive more than a few weeks. In the meantime, he had been writing consistently, and the first volume was finished, with half of the second volume done. Three days later, the official contract was finalized, and Webster & Co. quickly advanced General Grant ten thousand dollars to cover urgent needs, which was a helpful arrangement since Grant had many debts and expenses, and his resources were limited to the payments from the Century for his articles.

Immediately the office of Webster & Co. was warm with affairs. Reporters were running hot-foot for news of the great contract by which Mark Twain was to publish the life of General Grant. No publishing enterprise of such vast moment had ever been undertaken, and no publishing event, before or since, ever received the amount of newspaper comment. The names of General Grant and Mark Twain associated would command columns, whatever the event, and that Mark Twain was to become the publisher of Grant's own story of his battles was of unprecedented importance.

Immediately, the office of Webster & Co. was buzzing with activity. Reporters were rushing around for news about the significant contract through which Mark Twain was set to publish General Grant's autobiography. No publishing project of such magnitude had ever been attempted, and no publishing event, before or since, had received as much media attention. The combination of General Grant and Mark Twain would generate headlines, no matter the circumstances, and the fact that Mark Twain was going to publish Grant's own account of his battles was of unparalleled significance.

The partners were sufficiently occupied. Estimates and prices for vast quantities of paper were considered, all available presses were contracted for, binderies were pledged exclusively for the Grant book. Clemens was boiling over with plans and suggestions for distribution. Webster was half wild with the tumult of the great campaign. Applications for agencies poured in.

The partners were busy enough. They looked over estimates and prices for large amounts of paper, secured all available presses, and committed binderies exclusively to the Grant book. Clemens was full of ideas and suggestions for distribution. Webster was overwhelmed by the chaos of the huge campaign. Applications for agencies were flooding in.

In those days there were general subscription agencies which divided the country into districts, and the heads of these agencies Webster summoned to New York and laid down the law to them concerning the new book. It was not a time for small dealings, and Webster rose to the occasion. By the time these men returned to their homes they had practically pledged themselves to a quarter of a million sets of the Grant Memoirs, and this estimate they believed to be conservative.

In those days, there were general subscription agencies that divided the country into districts, and Webster called the heads of these agencies to New York to lay down the law about the new book. It wasn't a time for small deals, and Webster rose to the occasion. By the time these men returned home, they had practically committed to ordering a quarter of a million sets of the Grant Memoirs, and they believed this estimate to be conservative.

Webster now moved into larger and more pretentious quarters. He took a store-room at 42 East 14th Street, Union Square, and surrounded himself with a capable force of assistants. He had become, all at once, the most conspicuous publisher in the world.

Webster now moved into bigger and more impressive offices. He rented a storage space at 42 East 14th Street, Union Square, and gathered a skilled team of assistants. He had suddenly become the most notable publisher in the world.





CLV. DAYS WITH A DYING HERO

The contract for the publication of the Grant Life was officially closed February 27, 1885. Five days later, on the last day and at the last hour of President Arthur's administration, and of the Congress then sitting, a bill was passed placing Grant as full General, with full pay, on the retired army list. The bill providing for this somewhat tardy acknowledgment was rushed through at the last moment, and it is said that the Congressional clock was set back so that this enactment might become a law before the administration changed.

The contract for publishing the Grant Life was officially finalized on February 27, 1885. Five days later, on the final day and at the last hour of President Arthur's term and the sitting Congress, a bill was passed that placed Grant as a full General, with full pay, on the retired army list. This bill, which provided a somewhat overdue acknowledgment, was pushed through at the last minute, and it’s said that the Congressional clock was set back so this legislation could become law before the administration changed.

Clemens was with General Grant when the news of this action was read to him. Grant had greatly desired such recognition, and it meant more to him than to any one present, yet Clemens in his notes records:

Clemens was with General Grant when the news of this action was read to him. Grant had really wanted this kind of recognition, and it meant more to him than to anyone else there, yet Clemens in his notes records:

    Every face there betrayed strong excitement and emotion except one
    —General Grant's. He read the telegram, but not a shade or
    suggestion of a change exhibited itself in his iron countenance.
    The volume of his emotion was greater than all the other emotions
    there present combined, but he was able to suppress all expression
    of it and make no sign.
Every face there showed strong excitement and emotion except for one — General Grant's. He read the telegram, but not a hint or sign of change appeared on his stoic face. The intensity of his emotion was greater than all the other emotions in the room combined, but he managed to keep it all hidden and showed no signs at all.

Grant's calmness, endurance, and consideration during these final days astonished even those most familiar with his noble character. One night Gerhardt came into the library at Hartford with the announcement that he wished to show his patron a small bust he had been making in clay of General Grant. Clemens did not show much interest in the prospect, but when the work was uncovered he became enthusiastic. He declared it was the first likeness he had ever seen of General Grant that approached reality. He agreed that the Grant family ought to see it, and that he would take Gerhardt with him next day in order that he might be within reach in case they had any suggestions. They went to New York next morning, and called at the Grant home during the afternoon.

Grant's calmness, strength, and thoughtfulness in those last days amazed even his closest friends who knew his honorable nature well. One night, Gerhardt walked into the library in Hartford and said he wanted to show his patron a small clay bust he had made of General Grant. Clemens initially didn’t seem too interested, but when the bust was unveiled, he became excited. He said it was the first real likeness of General Grant he had ever seen. He agreed that the Grant family should see it and that he would take Gerhardt with him the next day in case they had any feedback. They headed to New York the next morning and stopped by the Grant home that afternoon.

From the note-book:

From the notebook:

    Friday, March 20, 1885. Gerhardt and I arrived at General Grant's
    about 2.30 P.m. and I asked if the family would look at a small
    clay bust of the General which Gerhardt had made from a photograph.
    Colonel Fred and Jesse were absent to receive their sister, Mrs.
    Sartoris, who would arrive from Europe about 4.30; but the three
    Mrs. Grants examined the work and expressed strong approval of it,
    and also great gratification that Mr. Gerhardt had undertaken it.
    Mrs. Jesse Grant had lately dreamed that she was inquiring where the
    maker of my bust could be found (she had seen a picture of it in
    Huck Finn, which was published four weeks ago), for she wanted the
    same artist to make one of General Grant. The ladies examined the
    bust critically and pointed out defects, while Gerhardt made the
    necessary corrections. Presently Mrs. General Grant suggested that
    Gerhardt step in and look at the General. I had been in there
    talking with the General, but had never thought of asking him to let
    a stranger come in. So Gerhardt went in with the ladies and me, and
    the inspection and cross-fire began: “There, I was sure his nose was
    so and so,” and, “I was sure his forehead was so and so,” and,
    “Don't you think his head is so and so?” And so everybody walked
    around and about the old hero, who lay half reclining in his easy
    chair, but well muffled up, and submitting to all this as serenely
    as if he were used to being served so. One marked feature of
    General Grant's character is his exceeding gentleness, goodness,
    sweetness. Every time I have been in his presence—lately and
    formerly—my mind was drawn to that feature. I wonder it has not
    been more spoken of.

    Presently he said, let Gerhardt bring in his clay and work there, if
    Gerhardt would not mind his reclining attitude. Of course we were
    glad. A table for the bust was moved up in front of him; the ladies
    left the room; I got a book; Gerhardt went to work; and for an hour
    there was perfect stillness, and for the first time during the day
    the General got a good, sound, peaceful nap. General Badeau came
    in, and probably interrupted that nap. He spoke out as strongly as
    the others concerning the great excellence of the likeness. He had
    some sheets of MS. in his hand, and said, “I've been reading what
    you wrote this morning, General, and it is of the utmost value; it
    solves a riddle that has puzzled men's brains all these years and
    makes the thing clear and rational.” I asked what the puzzle was,
    and he said, “It was why Grant did not immediately lay siege to
    Vicksburg after capturing Port Hudson” (at least that is my
    recollection, now toward midnight, of General Badeau's answer).
    Friday, March 20, 1885. Gerhardt and I got to General Grant's place around 2:30 PM, and I asked if the family would check out a small clay bust of the General that Gerhardt had made from a photograph. Colonel Fred and Jesse were out to meet their sister, Mrs. Sartoris, who was arriving from Europe around 4:30, but the three Mrs. Grants looked at the piece and really liked it, expressing their happiness that Mr. Gerhardt had taken it on. Mrs. Jesse Grant had recently dreamed that she was asking where the maker of my bust could be found (she had seen a picture of it in Huck Finn, which was published four weeks ago) because she wanted the same artist to create one of General Grant. The ladies scrutinized the bust and pointed out flaws while Gerhardt made the necessary adjustments. Soon, Mrs. General Grant suggested that Gerhardt come in and take a look at the General. I had been in there chatting with the General but never thought to ask if a stranger could join us. So Gerhardt went in with the ladies and me, and the inspection and discussion began: “I was sure his nose looked like this,” and, “I thought his forehead was like that,” and, “Don’t you think his head looks like this?” Everyone moved around the old hero, who was half reclined in his easy chair but well wrapped up, accepting all this attention as if he were used to it. One notable aspect of General Grant's character is his incredible gentleness, goodness, and sweetness. Every time I’ve been in his presence—both lately and in the past—I've noticed that quality. I wonder why it hasn’t been talked about more.

    Eventually, he said Gerhardt could bring in his clay and work there, if Gerhardt didn’t mind his lying position. We were, of course, pleased. A table for the bust was set up in front of him; the ladies left the room; I grabbed a book; Gerhardt started working; and for an hour, there was complete silence, and for the first time that day, the General got a nice, restful nap. General Badeau came in and probably disrupted that nap. He spoke as enthusiastically as the others about how great the likeness was. He had some sheets of manuscript in his hand and said, “I’ve been reading what you wrote this morning, General, and it’s extremely valuable; it clears up a mystery that’s puzzled people for years and makes everything clear and logical.” I asked what the mystery was, and he said, “It was why Grant didn’t immediately lay siege to Vicksburg after taking Port Hudson” (at least that’s how I remember General Badeau’s answer as I write this close to midnight).

The little bust of Grant which Gerhardt worked on that day was widely reproduced in terra-cotta, and is still regarded by many as the most nearly correct likeness of Grant. The original is in possession of the family.

The small bust of Grant that Gerhardt worked on that day was widely reproduced in terra-cotta and is still seen by many as the most accurate likeness of Grant. The original is owned by the family.

General Grant worked industriously on his book. He had a superb memory and worked rapidly. Webster & Co. offered to supply him with a stenographer, and this proved a great relief. Sometimes he dictated ten thousand words at a sitting. It was reported at the time, and it has been stated since, that Grant did not write the Memoirs himself, but only made notes, which were expanded by others. But this is not true. General Grant wrote or dictated every word of the story himself, then had the manuscript read aloud to him and made his own revisions. He wrote against time, for he knew that his disease was fatal. Fortunately the lease of life granted him was longer than he had hoped for, though the last chapters were written when he could no longer speak, and when weakness and suffering made the labor a heavy one indeed; but he never flinched or faltered, never at any time suggested that the work be finished by another hand.

General Grant worked hard on his book. He had an amazing memory and worked quickly. Webster & Co. offered to provide him with a stenographer, which was a huge help. Sometimes he dictated ten thousand words in one sitting. At the time, it was rumored, and it has been said since, that Grant didn’t actually write the Memoirs himself but only took notes that others expanded. But that’s not true. General Grant wrote or dictated every single word of the story himself, then had the manuscript read aloud to him and made his own revisions. He wrote against the clock because he knew his illness was terminal. Fortunately, he was granted more time than he had anticipated, although the last chapters were written when he could no longer speak, and when weakness and pain made the task incredibly difficult; but he never hesitated or wavered, nor did he ever suggest that the work be completed by someone else.

Early in April General Grant's condition became very alarming, and on the night of the 3d it was believed he could not live until morning. But he was not yet ready to surrender. He rallied and renewed his task; feebly at first, but more perseveringly as each day seemed to bring a little added strength, or perhaps it was only resolution. Now and then he appeared depressed as to the quality of his product. Once Colonel Fred Grant suggested to Clemens that if he could encourage the General a little it might be worth while. Clemens had felt always such a reverence and awe for the great soldier that he had never dreamed of complimenting his literature.

Early in April, General Grant's health became very concerning, and on the night of the 3rd, it was thought he might not survive until morning. But he wasn’t ready to give up yet. He pushed through and continued his work; initially weak, but more determined as each day seemed to bring him a bit more strength, or maybe it was just his willpower. Occasionally, he seemed upset about the quality of his writing. Once, Colonel Fred Grant suggested to Clemens that if he could provide some encouragement to the General, it might help. Clemens had always felt a deep respect and admiration for the great soldier, and he had never considered complimenting his writing.

“I was as much surprised as Columbus's cook could have been to learn that Columbus wanted his opinion as to how Columbus was doing his navigating.”

“I was just as surprised as Columbus's cook would have been to find out that Columbus wanted his input on how he was navigating.”

He did not hesitate to give it, however, and with a clear conscience. Grant wrote as he had fought; with a simple, straightforward dignity, with a style that is not a style at all but the very absence of it, and therefore the best of all literary methods. It happened that Clemens had been comparing some of Grant's chapters with Caesar's Commentaries, and was able to say, in all sincerity, that the same high merits distinguished both books: clarity of statement, directness, simplicity, manifest truthfulness, fairness and justice toward friend and foe alike, soldierly candor and frankness, and soldierly avoidance of flowery speech.

He didn’t hesitate to give it, though, and did so with a clear conscience. Grant wrote like he fought; with a simple, straightforward dignity, using a style that isn’t really a style at all but actually the absence of one, making it the best literary approach of all. It turned out that Clemens had been comparing some of Grant's chapters to Caesar's Commentaries, and he could sincerely say that both books shared the same high qualities: clarity of expression, directness, simplicity, obvious truthfulness, fairness and justice toward both friends and enemies, soldierly honesty and openness, and a soldierly avoidance of overly flowery language.

“I placed the two books side by side upon the same level,” he said, “and I still think that they belong there. I learned afterward that General Grant was pleased with this verdict. It shows that he was just a man, just a human being, just an author.”

“I placed the two books next to each other on the same level,” he said, “and I still believe they belong there. I later found out that General Grant was happy with this decision. It shows he was a fair man, just a human being, just an author.”

Within two months after the agents had gone to work canvassing for the Grant Memoirs—which is to say by the 1st of May, 1885—orders for sixty thousand sets had been received, and on that day Mark Twain, in his note-book, made a memorandum estimate of the number of books that the country would require, figuring the grand total at three hundred thousand sets of two volumes each. Then he says:

Within two months of the agents starting their campaign for the Grant Memoirs—meaning by May 1, 1885—orders for sixty thousand sets had come in. On that day, Mark Twain made a note in his notebook, estimating how many books the country would need, calculating the total at three hundred thousand sets of two volumes each. Then he says:

    If these chickens should really hatch according to my account,
    General Grant's royalties will' amount to $420,000, and will make
    the largest single check ever paid an author in the world's history.
    Up to the present time the largest one ever paid was to Macaulay on
    his History of England, L20,000. If I pay the General in silver
    coin at $12 per pound it will weigh seventeen tons.
If these chickens actually hatch like I'm saying, General Grant's royalties will total $420,000, making it the biggest single check ever written to an author in history. So far, the largest payment was to Macaulay for his History of England, which was £20,000. If I pay the General in silver coins at $12 per pound, it will weigh seventeen tons.

Certainly this has a flavor in it of Colonel Sellers, but we shall see by and by in how far this calculation was justified.

Certainly this has a bit of Colonel Sellers' style, but we’ll see soon enough how much this calculation was justified.

Grant found the society of Mark Twain cheering and comforting, and Clemens held himself in readiness to go to the dying man at call. On the 26th of May he makes this memorandum:

Grant found the company of Mark Twain uplifting and reassuring, and Clemens was prepared to go to the dying man whenever needed. On May 26th, he noted the following:

    It is curious and dreadful to sit up in this way and talk cheerful
    nonsense to General Grant, and he under sentence of death with that
    cancer. He says he has made the book too large by 200 pages—not a
    bad fault. A short time ago we were afraid we would lack 400 of
    being enough.

    To-day talked with General Grant about his and my first great
    Missouri campaign in 1861. He surprised an empty camp near Florida,
    Missouri, on Salt River, which I had been occupying a day or two
    before. How near he came to playing the devil with his future
    publisher.
    It's weird and awful to sit here and chat cheerfully with General Grant while he’s facing death from that cancer. He mentions that he made the book 200 pages too long—not a terrible issue. Not too long ago, we were worried we would be 400 pages short.

    Today, I talked with General Grant about our first major campaign in Missouri in 1861. He surprised an empty camp near Florida, Missouri, on Salt River, which I had been occupying just a couple of days before. He almost caused a big problem for his future publisher.

Of course Clemens would amuse the old commander with the tale of his soldiering, how his company had been chased through the brush and mud by the very announcement that Grant was coming. Some word of this got to the Century editors, who immediately proposed that Mark Twain contribute to the magazine War Series the story of his share in the Rebellion, and particularly of his war relations with General Grant. So the “Private History of a Campaign that Failed” was prepared as Mark Twain's side-light on the history of the Rebellion; and if it was not important history it was at least amusing, and the telling of that tale in Mark Twain's inimitable fashion must have gone far toward making cheerful those last sad days of his ancient enemy.

Of course, Clemens entertained the old commander with stories of his time as a soldier, sharing how his company was chased through the brush and mud by the mere news that Grant was coming. Some of this reached the Century editors, who quickly suggested that Mark Twain write for the magazine's War Series about his experiences in the Rebellion, especially his interactions with General Grant. Thus, the “Private History of a Campaign that Failed” was created as Mark Twain's unique perspective on the history of the Rebellion; while it may not have been historically significant, it was certainly entertaining, and sharing that story in Mark Twain's unmistakable style must have brought some cheer to those last sad days of his old adversary.

During one of their talks General Grant spoke of the question as to whether he or Sherman had originated the idea of the march to the sea. Grant said:

During one of their conversations, General Grant discussed the question of whether he or Sherman came up with the idea for the march to the sea. Grant said:

“Neither of us originated the idea of that march. The enemy did it.”

“Neither of us came up with the idea for that march. The enemy did.”

Reports were circulated of estrangements between General Grant and the Century Company, and between Mark Twain and the Century Company, as a result of the book decision. Certain newspapers exploited and magnified these rumors—some went so far as to accuse Mark Twain of duplicity, and to charge him with seeking to obtain a vast fortune for himself at the expense of General Grant and his family. All of which was the merest nonsense. The Century Company, Webster & Co., General Grant, and Mark Twain individually, were all working harmoniously, and nothing but the most cordial relations and understanding prevailed. As to the charge of unfair dealing on the part of Mark Twain, this was too absurd, even then, to attract more than momentary attention. Webster & Co., somewhat later in the year, gave to the press a clear statement of their publishing arrangement, though more particularly denying the report that General Grant had been unable to complete his work.

Reports circulated about growing tensions between General Grant and the Century Company, as well as between Mark Twain and the Century Company, due to the book decision. Some newspapers took these rumors and ran with them—some even accused Mark Twain of being deceitful and trying to amass a fortune for himself at General Grant's and his family's expense. All of this was pure nonsense. The Century Company, Webster & Co., General Grant, and Mark Twain were all working together smoothly, maintaining nothing but friendly relations and understanding. The accusation of unfair practices by Mark Twain was so ridiculous, even at that time, that it barely garnered any lasting attention. Later that year, Webster & Co. released a clear statement to the press outlining their publishing agreement, particularly refuting the claim that General Grant had been unable to finish his work.





CLVI. THE CLOSE OF A GREAT CAREER

The Clemens household did not go to Elmira that year until the 27th of June. Meantime General Grant had been taken to Mount McGregor, near the Adirondacks. The day after Clemens reached Elmira there came a summons saying that the General had asked to see him. He went immediately, and remained several days. The resolute old commander was very feeble by this time. It was three months since he had been believed to be dying, yet he was still alive, still at work, though he could no longer speak. He was adding, here and there, a finishing touch to his manuscript, writing with effort on small slips of paper containing but a few words each. His conversation was carried on in the same way. Mark Twain brought back a little package of those precious slips, and some of them are still preserved. The writing is perfectly legible, and shows no indication of a trembling hand.

The Clemens family didn’t go to Elmira that year until June 27th. In the meantime, General Grant had been taken to Mount McGregor, near the Adirondacks. The day after Clemens arrived in Elmira, he got a request saying that the General wanted to see him. He went right away and stayed for several days. The determined old commander was very weak by this time. It had been three months since people thought he was dying, yet he was still alive and still working, although he could no longer speak. He was adding a few finishing touches to his manuscript, writing with effort on small slips of paper that contained just a few words each. His conversations were also conducted this way. Mark Twain brought back a small package of those valuable slips, and some of them are still kept. The handwriting is completely legible and shows no sign of a shaky hand.

On one of these slips is written:

On one of these slips, it says:

    There is much more that I could do if I was a well man. I do not
    write quite as clearly as I could if well. If I could read it over
    myself many little matters of anecdote and incident would suggest
    themselves to me.
There’s so much more I could do if I were healthy. I don’t write as clearly as I could if I were well. If I could go over it myself, a lot of little stories and details would come to mind.

On another:

On another note:

    Have you seen any portion of the second volume? It is up to the
    end, or nearly so. As much more work as I have done to-day will
    finish it. I have worked faster than if I had been well. I have
    used my three boys and a stenographer.
    Have you seen any part of the second volume? It's almost complete. If I do a bit more work today, I'll finish it. I've worked faster than if I had been well. I've had my three boys and a stenographer helping out.

And on still another:

And on yet another:

    If I could have two weeks of strength I could improve it very much.
    As I am, however, it will have to go about as it is, with
    verifications by the boys and by suggestions which will enable me to
    make a point clear here and there.
    If I could have two weeks of strength, I could really improve it. As it stands, though, it will have to stay as it is, with feedback from the guys and suggestions that will help me clarify a few points here and there.

Certainly no campaign was ever conducted with a braver heart. As long as his fingers could hold a pencil he continued at his task. Once he asked if any estimate could now be made of what portion would accrue to his family from the publication. Clemens's prompt reply, that more than one hundred thousand sets had been sold, and that already the amount of his share, secured by safe bonds, exceeded one hundred and fifty thousand dollars, seemed to give him deep comfort. Clemens told him that the country was as yet not one-third canvassed, and that without doubt there turns would be twice as much more by the end of the year. Grant made no further inquiry, and probably never again mentioned the subject to any one.

Certainly no campaign was ever run with a braver heart. As long as he could hold a pencil, he kept at his task. Once he asked if any estimate could be made of what portion would go to his family from the publication. Clemens promptly replied that more than one hundred thousand copies had been sold, and that already the amount of his share, secured by safe bonds, exceeded one hundred and fifty thousand dollars, which seemed to give him deep comfort. Clemens told him that the country was still not one-third canvassed, and that without a doubt there would be twice as many sales by the end of the year. Grant made no further inquiries and likely never mentioned the subject to anyone again.

When Clemens left, General Grant was sitting, fully dressed, with a shawl about his shoulders, pencil and paper beside him. It was a picture that would never fade from the memory. In a later memorandum he says:

When Clemens left, General Grant was sitting fully dressed, with a shawl around his shoulders, pencil and paper beside him. It was a scene that would never be forgotten. In a later note, he says:

    I then believed he would live several months. He was still adding
    little perfecting details to his book, and preface, among other
    things. He was entirely through a few days later. Since then the
    lack of any strong interest to employ his mind has enabled the
    tedious weariness to kill him. I think his book kept him alive
    several months. He was a very great man and superlatively good.
I then thought he would live for several more months. He was still making small improvements to his book and preface, among other things. A few days later, he finished everything. Since then, the absence of any strong interest to engage his mind has allowed the exhausting weariness to take over. I believe his book kept him alive for several months. He was a truly great man and exceptionally good.

This note was made July 23, 1885, at 10 A.M., on receipt of the news that General Grant was dead. To Henry Ward Beecher, Clemens wrote:

This note was written on July 23, 1885, at 10 A.M., upon hearing the news that General Grant had passed away. To Henry Ward Beecher, Clemens wrote:

    One day he put his pencil aside and said there was nothing more to
    do. If I had been there I could have foretold the shock that struck
    the world three days later.
One day he put his pencil down and said there was nothing more to do. If I had been there, I could have predicted the shock that hit the world three days later.

It can be truly said that all the nation mourned. General Grant had no enemies, political or sectional, in those last days. The old soldier battling with a deadly disease, yet bravely completing his task, was a figure at once so pathetic and so noble that no breath of animosity remained to utter a single word that was not kind.

It can be truly said that the entire nation mourned. General Grant had no enemies, political or regional, in those final days. The old soldier fighting a terminal illness, yet courageously fulfilling his duty, was a figure that was both so heartbreaking and so honorable that no hint of hostility remained to voice anything but kindness.

Memorial services were held from one end of the country to the other. Those who had followed him in peace or war, those who had fought beside him or against him, alike paid tribute to his memory. Twichell, from the mountains of Vermont, wrote:

Memorial services took place all across the country. Those who had stood by him in times of peace or conflict, those who had fought alongside him or even against him, all honored his memory. Twichell, from the mountains of Vermont, wrote:

    I suppose I have said to Harmony forty times since I got up here,
    “How I wish I could see Mark!” My notion is that between us we could
    get ourselves expressed. I have never known any one who could help
    me read my own thoughts in such a case as you can and have done many
    a time, dear old fellow.

    I'd give more to sit on a log with you in the woods this afternoon,
    while we twined a wreath together for Launcelot's grave, than
    to hear any conceivable eulogy of him pronounced by mortal lips.
I think I've told Harmony at least forty times since I got up here, “I really wish I could see Mark!” I believe that between the two of us, we could really express ourselves. I've never met anyone who could help me understand my own thoughts in the way you can, and have done so many times, my dear old friend.

I would give anything to sit on a log with you in the woods this afternoon, while we made a wreath together for Launcelot's grave, more than to hear any eulogy about him spoken by anyone.

The death of Grant so largely and so suddenly augmented the orders for his Memoirs that it seemed impossible to get the first volume printed in time for the delivery, which had been promised for December 1st. J. J. Little had the contract of manufacture, and every available press and bindery was running double time to complete the vast contract.

The sudden death of Grant greatly increased the demand for his Memoirs, making it seem impossible to get the first volume printed in time for the promised delivery on December 1st. J. J. Little had the manufacturing contract, and every available press and bindery was working overtime to fulfill the large order.

In the end more than three hundred thousand sets of two volumes each were sold, and between four hundred and twenty and four hundred and fifty thousand dollars was paid to Mrs. Grant. The first check of two hundred thousand dollars, drawn February 27, 1886, remains the largest single royalty check in history. Mark Twain's prophecy had been almost exactly verified.

In the end, over three hundred thousand two-volume sets were sold, and Mrs. Grant received between four hundred twenty and four hundred fifty thousand dollars. The first check of two hundred thousand dollars, issued on February 27, 1886, is still the largest single royalty check ever written. Mark Twain's prediction was almost entirely confirmed.





CLVII. MINOR MATTERS OF A GREAT YEAR

The Grant episode, so important in all its phases, naturally overshadowed other events of 1885. Mark Twain was so deeply absorbed in this great publishing enterprise that he wasted little thought or energy in other directions.

The Grant episode, crucial in every aspect, naturally overshadowed other events of 1885. Mark Twain was so engrossed in this significant publishing project that he hardly devoted any thought or energy to anything else.

Yet there are a few minor things that it seems worth while to remember. Howells has told something of the Authors' Reading given for the Longfellow Memorial, an entertainment managed by George Parsons Lathrop, though Howells justly claims the glory of having fixed the price of admission at five dollars. Then he recalls a pleasing anecdote of Charles Eliot Norton, who introduced the attractions.

Yet there are a few minor things that seem worth remembering. Howells mentioned something about the Authors' Reading held for the Longfellow Memorial, an event organized by George Parsons Lathrop, though Howells rightfully takes pride in having set the ticket price at five dollars. He also shares a nice story about Charles Eliot Norton, who presented the performances.

Norton presided, and when it came Clemens's turn to read he introduced him with such exquisite praises as he best knew how to give, but before he closed he fell a prey to one of those lapses of tact which are the peculiar peril of people of the greatest tact. He was reminded of Darwin's delight in Mark Twain, and how when he came from his long day's exhausting study, and sank into bed at midnight, he took up a volume of Mark Twain, whose books he always kept on a table beside him, and whatever had been his tormenting problem, or excess of toil, he felt secure of a good night's rest from it. A sort of blank ensued which Clemens filled in the only possible way. He said he should always be glad he had contributed to the repose of that great man, to whom science owed so much, and then without waiting for the joy in every breast to burst forth, he began to read.

Norton was in charge, and when it was Clemens's turn to read, he introduced him with the highest compliments he could think of. However, before finishing, he experienced one of those awkward moments that can happen even to the most tactful people. He recalled Darwin's admiration for Mark Twain and how, after a long day of intense work, he would settle into bed at midnight with a volume of Twain's books always on the table beside him. No matter how troubled he was or how much he had worked, he felt he could count on a good night's sleep thanks to it. There was a brief silence which Clemens filled in the only way he could. He expressed how happy he was to have contributed to the peace of that great man, to whom science owed so much. Then, without waiting for the audience's excitement to build, he started to read.

Howells tells of Mark Twain's triumph on this occasion, and in a letter at the time he wrote: “You simply straddled down to the footlights and took that house up in the hollow of your hand and tickled it.”

Howells recounts Mark Twain's success in this instance, and in a letter at the time he wrote: “You just stepped right up to the edge of the stage and captivated the audience in the palm of your hand.”

Howells adds that the show netted seventeen hundred dollars. This was early in May.

Howells adds that the show made seventeen hundred dollars. This was early in May.

Of literary work, beyond the war paper, the “Private History of a Campaign that Failed” (published December, 1885), Clemens appears to have done very little. His thoughts were far too busy with plans for furthering the sale of the great military Memoir to follow literary ventures of his own. At one time he was impelled to dictate an autobiography—Grant's difficulties in his dying hour suggesting this—and he arranged with Redpath, who was no longer a lecture agent and understood stenography, to co-operate with him in the work. He dictated a few chapters, but he was otherwise too much occupied to continue. Also, he was unused to dictation, and found it hard and the result unsatisfactory.

Of literary work, aside from the war article, the “Private History of a Campaign that Failed” (published December 1885), Clemens seems to have done very little. His mind was too focused on strategies for promoting the sales of the major military Memoir to pursue his own literary projects. At one point, he felt pushed to dictate an autobiography—drawn from Grant's struggles in his last moments—and he arranged for Redpath, who was no longer a lecture agent and knew shorthand, to help him with the work. He dictated a few chapters, but he was otherwise too busy to keep going. Also, he was not used to dictation and found it challenging and the outcome unsatisfactory.

Two open communications from Mark Twain that year deserve to be remembered. One of these; unsigned, was published in the Century Magazine, and expressed the need for a “universal tinker,” the man who can accept a job in a large household or in a community as master of all trades, with sufficient knowledge of each to be ready to undertake whatever repairs are likely to be required in the ordinary household, such as—“to put in windowpanes, mend gas leaks, jack-plane the edges of doors that won't shut, keep the waste-pipe and other water-pipe joints, glue and otherwise repair havoc done in furniture, etc.” The letter was signed X. Y. Z., and it brought replies from various parts of the world. None of the applicants seemed universally qualified, but in Kansas City a business was founded on the idea, adopting “The Universal Tinker” as its firm name.

Two open communications from Mark Twain that year are worth remembering. One of these, which was unsigned, was published in Century Magazine and talked about the need for a “universal tinker,” a person who can take on jobs in a big household or community as a master of all trades, equipped with enough knowledge to handle whatever repairs are typically needed at home, like—“installing windowpanes, fixing gas leaks, trimming the edges of doors that won’t close, maintaining waste pipes and other water pipe joints, gluing and repairing damage to furniture, etc.” The letter was signed X. Y. Z., and it received responses from different parts of the world. None of the applicants appeared to be universally qualified, but in Kansas City, a business was started based on the idea, naming itself “The Universal Tinker.”

The other letter mentioned was written to the 'Christian Union', inspired by a tale entitled, “What Ought We to Have Done?” It was a tale concerning the government of children; especially concerning the government of one child—John Junior—a child who, as it would appear from the tale, had a habit of running things pretty much to his own notion. The performance of John Junior, and of his parents in trying to manage him, stirred Mark Twain considerably—it being “enough to make a body's blood boil,” as he confesses—and it impelled him to set down surreptitiously his impressions of what would have happened to John Junior as a member of the Clemens household. He did not dare to show the communication to Mrs. Clemens before he sent it, for he knew pretty well what its fate would be in that case. So he took chances and printed it without her knowledge. The letter was published July 16, 1885. It is too long to be included entire, but it is too illuminating to be altogether omitted. After relating, in considerable detail, Mrs. Clemens's method of dealing with an unruly child—the gentleness yet firmness of her discipline—he concludes:

The other letter mentioned was written to the 'Christian Union,' inspired by a story titled “What Should We Have Done?” It was a story about parenting, particularly about one child—John Junior—who, as the story suggests, had a tendency to do whatever he wanted. The actions of John Junior, and his parents' attempts to manage him, really frustrated Mark Twain—it was “enough to make a body's blood boil,” as he admitted—and it drove him to secretly write down his thoughts on what would have happened to John Junior if he had been a part of the Clemens family. He didn’t dare show the letter to Mrs. Clemens before sending it, knowing how she would respond. So he took a risk and published it without her knowing. The letter came out on July 16, 1885. It’s too lengthy to include in full, but it’s too insightful to leave out entirely. After detailing Mrs. Clemens's approach to handling a difficult child—the gentle yet firm nature of her discipline—he concludes:

    The mother of my children adores them—there is no milder term for
    it—and they worship her; they even worship anything which the touch
    of her hand has made sacred. They know her for the best and truest
    friend they have ever had, or ever shall have; they know her for one
    who never did them a wrong, and cannot do them a wrong; who never
    told them a lie, nor the shadow of one; who never deceived them by
    even an ambiguous gesture; who never gave them an unreasonable
    command, nor ever contented herself with anything short of a perfect
    obedience; who has always treated them as politely and considerately
    as she would the best and oldest in the land, and has always
    required of them gentle speech and courteous conduct toward all, of
    whatsoever degree with whom they chanced to come in contact; they
    know her for one whose promise, whether of reward or punishment, is
    gold, and always worth its face, to the uttermost farthing. In a
    word, they know her, and I know her, for the best and dearest mother
    that lives—and by a long, long way the wisest....

    In all my life I have never made a single reference to my wife in
    print before, as far as I can remember, except once in the
    dedication of a book; and so, after these fifteen years of silence,
    perhaps I may unseal my lips this one time without impropriety or
    indelicacy. I will institute one other novelty: I will send this
    manuscript to the press without her knowledge and without asking her
    to edit it. This will save it from getting edited into the stove.
    The mother of my children loves them—there’s no softer way to say it—and they adore her; they even show reverence for anything her touch has blessed. They recognize her as the best and truest friend they’ve ever had or will ever have; they see her as someone who has never wronged them and cannot wrong them; someone who has never told them a lie, not even a small one; who has never misled them with even a vague gesture; who has never given them an unreasonable command, nor been satisfied with anything less than perfect obedience; who has always treated them with the same politeness and consideration she would show to the finest and oldest in the land, and has consistently expected them to speak kindly and behave courteously toward everyone, regardless of their status, whom they happened to meet; they understand her as someone whose promises, whether for rewards or punishment, are like gold and always worth their true value, down to the last penny. In short, they know her, and I know her, as the best and most beloved mother alive—and by far the wisest....

    In all my life, I have never written anything about my wife before, as far as I can recall, except once in the dedication of a book; and so, after these fifteen years of silence, maybe it’s alright to speak about her this one time without being improper or disrespectful. I will also do something new: I’ll send this manuscript to be published without her knowing and without asking her to review it. This will keep it from being edited into oblivion.

Susy's biography refers to this incident at considerable length. She states that her father had misgivings after he had sent it to the Christian Union, and that he tried to recall the manuscript, but found it too late. She sets down some comments of her own on her mother's government, then tells us of the appearance of the article:

Susy's biography discusses this incident in detail. She mentions that her father felt uneasy after he had submitted it to the Christian Union and attempted to retrieve the manuscript, but it was too late. She includes some of her own thoughts on her mother's leadership, then describes the article's appearance:

When the Christian Union reached the farm and papa's article in it, all ready and waiting to be read to mama, papa hadn't the courage to show it to her (for he knew she wouldn't like it at all) at first, and he didn't, but he might have let it go and never let her see it; but finally he gave his consent to her seeing it, and told Clara and I we could take it to her, which we did with tardiness, and we all stood around mama while she read it, all wondering what she would say and think about it.

When the Christian Union arrived at the farm with Dad's article in it, ready to be read to Mom, Dad didn’t have the courage to show it to her at first (because he knew she wouldn’t like it at all). He could have just not let her see it, but eventually, he agreed that she could see it and told Clara and me that we could take it to her. We did so slowly, and we all gathered around Mom while she read it, all curious about what she would say and think.

She was too much surprised (and pleased privately too) to say much at first; but, as we all expected, publicly (or rather when she remembered that this article was to be read by every one that took the Christian Union) she was rather shocked and a little displeased.

She was too surprised (and pleased secretly too) to say much at first; but as we all expected, publicly (or rather when she realized that this article was going to be read by everyone who subscribed to the Christian Union) she was pretty shocked and a little upset.

Susy goes on to tell that the article provoked a number of letters, most of them pleasant ones, but some of them of quite another sort. One of the latter fell into her mother's hands, after which there was general regret that the article had been printed, and the subject was no longer discussed at Quarry Farm.

Susy shares that the article generated quite a few letters, most of which were positive, but some were pretty critical. One of those critical ones ended up in her mother's hands, leading to a collective sense of regret about publishing the article, and the topic was no longer talked about at Quarry Farm.

Susy's biography is a unique record. It was a sort of combined memoir and journal, charming in its innocent frankness and childish insight. She used to keep it under her pillow, and after she was asleep the parents would steal it out and find a tender amusement and pathos in its quaint entries. It is a faithful record so far as it goes, and the period it covers is an important one; for it presents a picture of Mark Twain in the fullness of his manhood, in the golden hour of his fortune. Susy's beginning has a special value here:—[Susy's' spelling and punctuation are preserved.]

Susy's biography is a unique record. It’s like a mix of memoir and journal, charming in its innocent honesty and childlike insight. She used to keep it under her pillow, and after she fell asleep, her parents would sneak it out and find both tenderness and humor in its quirky entries. It’s an accurate record as far as it goes, and the time it covers is significant; it portrays Mark Twain at the peak of his manhood, during the golden moments of his success. Susy’s beginnings hold special value here:—[Susy's' spelling and punctuation are preserved.]

    We are a very happy family! We consist of papa, mama, Jean, Clara
    and me. It is papa I am writing about, and I shall have no trouble
    in not knowing what to say about him, as he is a very striking
    character. Papa's appearance has been described many times, but
    very incorrectly; he has beautiful curly grey hair, not any too
    thick, or any too long, just right; a Roman nose, which greatly
    improves the beauty of his features, kind blue eyes, and a small
    mustache, he has a wonderfully shaped head, and profile, he has a
    very good figure in short he is an extraordinarily fine looking man.
    All his features are perfect, except that he hasn't extraordinary
    teeth. His complexion is very fair, and he doesn't ware a beard:

    He is a very good man, and a very funny one; he has got a temper but
    we all of us have in this family. He is the loveliest man I ever
    saw, or ever hope to see, and oh so absent-minded!
    We are a very happy family! We consist of dad, mom, Jean, Clara, and me. I'm writing about dad, and I won’t have any trouble figuring out what to say about him since he has a really strong personality. Dad's appearance has been described many times, but very inaccurately; he has beautiful curly gray hair, not too thick or too long, just right; a Roman nose that really enhances the attractiveness of his features, kind blue eyes, and a small mustache. He has an exceptionally shaped head and profile, and a great figure—overall, he’s an extraordinarily handsome man. All his features are perfect, except for his not-so-great teeth. He has a very fair complexion, and he doesn’t wear a beard.

    He’s a really good person, and very funny too; he has a temper, but we all do in this family. He’s the loveliest man I’ve ever seen or ever hope to see, and oh so absent-minded!

That this is a fair statement of the Clemens home, and the truest picture of Mark Twain at fifty that has been preserved, cannot be doubted. His hair was iron-gray, not entirely white at this time, the auburn tints everywhere mingled with the shining white that later would mantle it like a silver crown. He did not look young for his years, but he was still young, always young—indestructibly young in spirit and bodily vigor. Susy tells how that summer he blew soap-bubbles for the children, filling the bubbles with tobacco smoke; how he would play with the cats, and come clear down from his study on the hill to see how “Sour Mash,” then a kitten, was getting along; also how he wrote a poem for Jean's donkey, Cadichon (which they made Kiditchin): She quotes the poem:

That this is an accurate description of the Clemens home and the best representation of Mark Twain at fifty that has been documented is beyond question. His hair was iron-gray, not completely white at the time, with auburn shades mixed in with the shiny white that would eventually cover it like a silver crown. He didn’t look young for his age, but he was still young—indestructibly young in spirit and physical energy. Susy recounts how that summer he blew soap bubbles for the kids, filling the bubbles with tobacco smoke; how he played with the cats and came all the way down from his study on the hill to check on “Sour Mash,” who was just a kitten back then; and how he wrote a poem for Jean's donkey, Cadichon (which they called Kiditchin). She shares the poem:

                  KIDITCHIN

              O du lieb' Kiditchin
              Du bist ganz bewitchin,
              Waw- - - -he!

              In summer days Kiditchin
              Thou'rt dear from nose to britchin
              Waw——he!

              No dought thoult get a switchin
              When for mischief thou'rt itchin'
              Waw- - - -he!

              But when you're good Kiditchin
              You shall feast in James's kitchin
              Waw- - - -he!

              O now lift up thy song
              Thy noble note prolong
              Thou living Chinese gong!
              Waw—-he! waw—-he waw
              Sweetest donkey man ever saw.
                  KIDITCHIN

              Oh, you sweet Kiditchin
              You’re totally enchanting,
              Waw- - - -he!

              On summer days, Kiditchin
              You’re lovely from head to toe,
              Waw——he!

              No doubt you’ll get a spanking
              When you’re up to no good,
              Waw- - - -he!

              But when you’re good, Kiditchin
              You’ll feast in James’s kitchen,
              Waw- - - -he!

              Now lift up your song
              And let your noble notes ring on
              You living Chinese gong!
              Waw—-he! waw—-he waw
              The sweetest donkey man ever saw.

Clemens undertook to ride Kiditchin one day, to show the children how it should be done, but Kiditchin resented this interference and promptly flung him over her head. He thought she might have been listening to the poem he had written of her.

Clemens decided to ride Kiditchin one day to show the kids how it should be done, but Kiditchin didn’t appreciate this interruption and quickly threw him off her back. He thought she might have been hearing the poem he had written about her.

Susy's discovery that the secret of her biography was known is shown by the next entry, and the touch of severity in it was probably not entirely unconscious:

Susy's realization that the secret of her life story was known is revealed in the next entry, and the hint of seriousness in it was likely not entirely unintentional:

    Papa said the other day, “I am a mugwump and a mugwump is pure from
    the marrow out.” (Papa knows that I am writing this biography of
    him, and he said this for it.) He doesn't like to go to church at
    all, why I never understood, until just now. He told us the other
    day that he couldn't bear to hear anyone talk but himself, but that
    he could listen to himself talk for hours without getting tired, of
    course he said this in joke, but I've no doubt it was founded on
    truth.
    Dad said the other day, “I’m a mugwump and a mugwump is pure to the core.” (Dad knows I’m writing this biography about him, and he said this for that reason.) He really doesn’t like going to church at all, something I never understood until just now. He told us the other day that he can’t stand to hear anyone else talk except for himself, but that he could listen to himself talk for hours without getting tired. Of course, he said this jokingly, but I have no doubt it was based on some truth.

Susy's picture of life at Quarry Farm at this period is realistic and valuable—too valuable to be spared from this biography:

Susy's depiction of life at Quarry Farm during this time is realistic and significant—too significant to be left out of this biography:

    There are eleven cats at the farm here now. Papa's favorite is a
    little tortoise-shell kitten he has named “Sour Mash,” and a little
    spotted one “Fannie.” It is very pretty to see what papa calls the
    cat procession; it was formed in this way. Old Minniecat headed,
    (the mother of all the cats) next to her came aunt Susie, then Clara
    on the donkey, accompanied by a pile of cats, then papa and Jean
    hand in hand and a pile of cats brought up in the rear, mama and I
    made up the audience.

    Our varius occupations are as follows. Papa rises about 1/2 past 7
    in the morning, breakfasts at eight, writes, plays tennis with Clara
    and me and tries to make the donkey go, in the morning; does varius
    things in P.M., and in the evening plays tennis with Clara and me
    and amuses Jean and the donkey.

    Mama rises about 1/4 to eight, breakfasts at eight, teaches Jean
    German reading from 9-10; reads German with me from 10-11. Then she
    reads studdies or visits with aunt Susie for a while, and then she
    reads to Clara and I till lunch time things connected with English
    history (for we hope to go to England next summer) while we sew.
    Then we have lunch. She studdies for about half an hour or visits
    with aunt Susie, then reads to us an hour or more, then studdies
    writes reads and rests till supper time. After supper she sits out
    on the porch and works till eight o'clock, from eight o'clock to
    bedtime she plays whist with papa and after she has retired she
    reads and studdies German for a while.

    Clara and I do most everything from practicing to donkey riding and
    playing tag. While Jean's time is spent in asking mama what she can
    have to eat.
There are eleven cats at the farm right now. Dad's favorite is a little tortoiseshell kitten he named “Sour Mash,” and there's also a little spotted one named “Fannie.” It's really nice to see what Dad calls the cat procession; it was organized like this: Old Minniecat led the way (she's the mother of all the cats), next to her was Aunt Susie, then Clara on the donkey, followed by a bunch of cats, and then Dad and Jean holding hands, with more cats trailing behind. Mom and I made up the audience.

Our various activities are as follows. Dad gets up around 7:30 in the morning, has breakfast at eight, writes, plays tennis with Clara and me, and tries to get the donkey moving in the morning; he does various things in the afternoon, and in the evening, he plays tennis with Clara and me and entertains Jean and the donkey.

Mom gets up around 7:45, has breakfast at eight, teaches Jean German reading from 9 to 10; she reads German with me from 10 to 11. Then she studies, visits with Aunt Susie for a while, and reads to Clara and me about English history until lunchtime (since we hope to go to England next summer) while we sew. After lunch, she studies for about half an hour or visits with Aunt Susie, then reads to us for an hour or more, and spends time studying, writing, reading, and resting until dinner. After dinner, she sits on the porch and works until eight o'clock, and from eight until bedtime, she plays whist with Dad. When she goes to bed, she reads and studies German for a while.

Clara and I do pretty much everything, from practicing to riding the donkey and playing tag. Meanwhile, Jean spends her time asking Mom what she can eat.

It is impossible, at this distance, to convey all that the farm meant to the children during the summers of their infancy and childhood and girlhood which they spent there. It was the paradise, the dreamland they looked forward to during all the rest of the year. Through the long, happy months there they grew strong and brown, and drank deeply of the joy of life. Their cousins Julia, Jervis, and Ida Langdon ranged about their own ages and were almost their daily companions. Their games were mainly of the out-of-doors; the woods and meadows and hillside pastures were their playground. Susy was thirteen when she began her diary; a gentle, thoughtful, romantic child. One afternoon she discovered a wonderful tangle of vines and bushes between the study and the sunset—a rare hiding-place. She ran breathlessly to her aunt:

It’s hard to express just how much the farm meant to the kids during those summers of their early years and adolescence spent there. It was their paradise, the dreamland they anticipated all year long. Throughout those long, joyful months, they grew strong and tanned, fully embracing the happiness of life. Their cousins Julia, Jervis, and Ida Langdon were around the same age and were almost like their daily partners in fun. Their games mostly took place outdoors; the woods, meadows, and hillside pastures were their playground. Susy was thirteen when she started her diary; she was a gentle, thoughtful, and imaginative child. One afternoon, she stumbled upon a wonderful tangle of vines and bushes between the study and the sunset—a perfect hiding spot. She rushed breathlessly to her aunt:

“Can I have it? Can Clara and I have it all for our own?”

“Can I have it? Can Clara and I have it all for ourselves?”

The petition was granted, of course, and the place was named Helen's Bower, for they were reading Thaddeus of Warsaw and the name appealed to Susy's poetic fancy. Then Mrs. Clemens conceived the idea of building a house for the children just beyond the bower. It was a complete little cottage when finished, with a porch and with furnishings contributed by friends and members of the family. There was a stove—a tiny affair, but practical—dishes, table, chairs, shelves, and a broom. The little house was named Ellerslie, out of Grace Aguilar's Days of Robert Bruce, and became one of the children's most beloved possessions. But alas for Helen's Bower! A workman was sent to clear away the debris after the builders, and being a practical man, he cut away Helen's Bower—destroyed it utterly. Susy first discovered the vandalism, and came rushing to the house in a torrent of sorrow. For her the joy of life seemed ended, and it was long before she could be comforted. But Ellerslie in time satisfied her hunger for retreat, became, in fact, the nucleus around which the children's summer happiness centered.

The petition was granted, of course, and the place was named Helen's Bower because they were reading Thaddeus of Warsaw, and the name appealed to Susy’s poetic fancy. Then Mrs. Clemens had the idea of building a house for the children just beyond the bower. It was a charming little cottage when finished, complete with a porch and furnishings donated by friends and family. There was a stove—a tiny one, but practical—dishes, a table, chairs, shelves, and a broom. The little house was named Ellerslie, inspired by Grace Aguilar's Days of Robert Bruce, and became one of the children's most treasured possessions. But alas for Helen's Bower! A worker was sent to clear away the debris left by the builders, and being a practical man, he cut away Helen's Bower—completely destroying it. Susy first discovered the vandalism and rushed to the house in a flood of sorrow. For her, the joy of life seemed over, and it took a long time before she could be comforted. But in time, Ellerslie satisfied her need for a getaway and became the center of the children’s summer happiness.

To their elders the farm remained always the quiet haven. Once to Orion's wife Clemens wrote:

To their elders, the farm was always the peaceful getaway. Once, Orion's wife Clemens wrote:

    This is a superb Sunday....

    The city in the valley is purple with shade, as seen from up here at
    the study. The Cranes are reading and loafing in the canvas-
    curtained summer-house, fifty yards away, on a higher (the highest)
    point; the cats are loafing over at Ellerslie, which is the
    children's estate and dwelling house in their own private grounds
    (by deed from Susie Crane), a hundred yards from the study, among
    the clover and young oaks and willows. Livy is down at the house,
    but I shall now go and bring her up to the Cranes to help us occupy
    the lounges and hammocks, whence a great panorama of distant hills
    and valley and city is seeable. The children have gone on a lark
    through the neighboring hills and woods, Susie and Clara horseback
    and Jean, driving a buggy, with the coachman for comrade and
    assistant at need. It is a perfect day indeed.
    This is a wonderful Sunday....

    The city in the valley looks purple with shade from up here in the study. The Cranes are reading and relaxing in the summer-house with canvas curtains, just fifty yards away on a higher point; the cats are lounging at Ellerslie, which is the kids' house and private grounds (by deed from Susie Crane), a hundred yards from the study, surrounded by clover and young oaks and willows. Livy is down at the house, but I’ll go get her and bring her up to the Cranes so we can chill on the lounges and hammocks, where there’s a great view of the distant hills, valley, and city. The kids have gone off on a fun adventure through the nearby hills and woods, with Susie and Clara on horseback and Jean driving a buggy, with the coachman there for company and help if needed. It’s truly a perfect day.

The ending of each year's summer brought only regret. Clemens would never take away all his things. He had an old superstition that to leave some article insured return. Mrs. Clemens also left something—her heart's content. The children went around bidding various objects good-by and kissed the gates of Ellerslie too.

The end of summer each year only brought regret. Clemens would never take all his things with him. He had an old superstition that leaving something behind guaranteed his return. Mrs. Clemens also left something behind—her happiness. The kids went around saying goodbye to various items and kissed the gates of Ellerslie, too.





CLVIII. MARK TWAIN AT FIFTY

Mark Twain's fiftieth birthday was one of the pleasantly observed events of that year. There was no special celebration, but friends sent kindly messages, and The Critic, then conducted by Jeannette and Joseph Gilder, made a feature of it. Miss Gilder wrote to Oliver Wendell Holmes and invited some verses, which with his never-failing kindliness he sent, though in his accompanying note he said:

Mark Twain's fiftieth birthday was one of the enjoyable events of that year. There wasn't a big celebration, but friends sent warm wishes, and The Critic, managed by Jeannette and Joseph Gilder, highlighted it. Miss Gilder wrote to Oliver Wendell Holmes and invited him to contribute some poetry, which he kindly sent, although in his note he mentioned:

“I had twenty-three letters spread out on my table for answering, all marked immediate, when your note came.”

“I had twenty-three letters laid out on my table to respond to, all marked urgent, when your note arrived.”

Dr. Holmes's stanzas are full of his gentle spirit:

Dr. Holmes's verses are filled with his kind spirit:

              TO MARK TWAIN

              (On his fiftieth birthday)

              Ah, Clemens, when I saw thee last,
              We both of us were younger;
              How fondly mumbling o'er the past
              Is Memory's toothless hunger!

              So fifty years have fled, they say,
              Since first you took to drinking;
              I mean in Nature's milky way
              Of course no ill I'm thinking.

              But while on life's uneven road
              Your track you've been pursuing,
              What fountains from your wit have flowed
              What drinks you have been brewing!

              I know whence all your magic came,
              Your secret I've discovered,
              The source that fed your inward flame,
              The dreams that round you hovered.

              Before you learned to bite or munch,
              Still kicking in your cradle,
              The Muses mixed a bowl of punch
              And Hebe seized the ladle.

              Dear babe, whose fiftieth year to-day
              Your ripe half-century rounded,
              Your books the precious draught betray
              The laughing Nine compounded.

              So mixed the sweet, the sharp, the strong,
              Each finds its faults amended,
              The virtues that to each belong
              In happiest union blended.

              And what the flavor can surpass
              Of sugar, spirit, lemons?
              So while one health fills every glass
              Mark Twain for Baby Clemens!

              OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES.
              TO MARK TWAIN

              (On his fiftieth birthday)

              Ah, Clemens, the last time I saw you,
              We were both a lot younger;
              How fondly we reminisce about the past
              With Memory's toothless hunger!

              So they say fifty years have flown by
              Since you first started drinking;
              I mean in Nature's milky way—
              Of course, I think no ill.

              But while you've been on life's bumpy road
              Pursuing your path,
              What fountains of wit have flowed from you
              What drinks you have crafted!

              I know where all your magic comes from,
              I've uncovered your secret,
              The source that fueled your inner fire,
              The dreams that surrounded you.

              Before you knew how to bite or munch,
              Still kicking in your crib,
              The Muses mixed up a bowl of punch
              And Hebe took the ladle.

              Dear child, who today celebrates
              Your ripe half-century,
              Your books reveal the precious drink
              The laughing Nine created.

              So mixed the sweet, the sharp, the strong,
              Each flaw is corrected,
              The virtues that belong to each
              Are blended in happy union.

              And what flavor can beat
              The mix of sugar, spirits, lemons?
              So while one toast fills every glass
              Mark Twain for Baby Clemens!

              OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES.

Frank R. Stockton, Charles Dudley Warner, and Joel Chandler Harris sent pleasing letters. Warner said:

Frank R. Stockton, Charles Dudley Warner, and Joel Chandler Harris wrote nice letters. Warner said:

    You may think it an easy thing to be fifty years old, but you will
    find it's not so easy to stay there, and your next fifty years will
    slip away much faster than those just accomplished.
    You might believe that turning fifty is a simple milestone, but you'll realize that staying at this age isn't as easy as it seems, and your next fifty years will go by much quicker than the ones you've just completed.

Many wrote letters privately, of course, and Andrew Lang, like Holmes, sent a poem that has a special charm.

Many people wrote private letters, and Andrew Lang, like Holmes, sent a poem that has a unique charm.

                  FOR MARK TWAIN

              To brave Mark Twain, across the sea,
              The years have brought his jubilee.
              One hears it, half in pain,
              That fifty years have passed and gone
              Since danced the merry star that shone
              Above the babe Mark Twain.

              We turn his pages and we see
              The Mississippi flowing free;
              We turn again and grin
              O'er all Tom Sawyer did and planned
              With him of the ensanguined hand,
              With Huckleberry Finn!

              Spirit of Mirth, whose chime of bells
              Shakes on his cap, and sweetly swells
              Across the Atlantic main,
              Grant that Mark's laughter never die,
              That men through many a century
              May chuckle o'er Mark Twain!
                  FOR MARK TWAIN

              To brave Mark Twain, across the sea,  
              The years have celebrated his legacy.  
              One feels it, a bit sorrowful,  
              That fifty years have come and gone  
              Since the joyful star that shone  
              Above the baby Mark Twain.  

              We turn his pages and we see  
              The Mississippi flowing freely;  
              We flip back and smile  
              At all Tom Sawyer did and dreamed  
              With him of the bloodied hand,  
              With Huckleberry Finn!  

              Spirit of Joy, whose bells  
              Jingle on his cap, and sweetly rise  
              Across the Atlantic Ocean,  
              Grant that Mark's laughter never fades,  
              That generations through many centuries  
              May chuckle over Mark Twain!  

Assuredly Mark Twain was made happy by these attentions; to Dr. Holmes he wrote:

Assuredly, Mark Twain was pleased by these gestures; to Dr. Holmes, he wrote:

DEAR DR. HOLMES,—I shall never be able to tell you the half of how proud you have made me. If I could you would say you were nearly paid for the trouble you took. And then the family: If I could convey the electrical surprise and gratitude and exaltation of the wife and the children last night, when they happened upon that Critic where I had, with artful artlessness, spread it open and retired out of view to see what would happen—well, it was great and fine and beautiful to see, and made me feel as the victor feels when the shouting hosts march by: and if you also could have seen it you would have said the account was squared. For I have brought them up in your company, as in the company of a warm and friendly and beneficent but far-distant sun; and so, for you to do this thing was for the sun to send down out of the skies the miracle of a special ray and transfigure me before their faces. I knew what that poem would be to them; I knew it would raise me up to remote and shining heights in their eyes, to very fellowship with the chambered Nautilus itself, and that from that fellowship they could never more dissociate me while they should live; and so I made sure to be by when the surprise should come.

DEAR DR. HOLMES,—I can’t even begin to tell you how proud you’ve made me. If I could, you might feel like your efforts were almost paid off. And then there’s the family: If I could express the shock, gratitude, and joy that my wife and the kids felt last night when they stumbled upon that Critic—I had cleverly opened it and stepped out of view to see what would happen—it was incredible to witness. It made me feel like a champion celebrated by a cheering crowd. If you could have seen it too, you would have felt everything was even. I’ve raised them with you in mind, like they were basking in the warmth of a friendly, generous sun far away; so for you to do this was like the sun sending down a special ray to illuminate me in their eyes. I knew what that poem would mean to them; I knew it would lift me to new heights in their eyes, putting me in a special company, like that of the chambered Nautilus, and from that moment, they could never see me the same way again. That’s why I made sure to be there for the surprise.

Charles Dudley Warner is charmed with the poem for its own felicitous sake; and so indeed am I, but more because it has drawn the sting of my fiftieth year; taken away the pain of it, the grief of it, the somehow shame of it, and made me glad and proud it happened.

Charles Dudley Warner loves the poem for its own wonderful qualities; I feel the same way, but even more so because it has eased the burden of my fiftieth year; it has removed the pain, the sorrow, the awkwardness, and made me happy and proud that it happened.

           With reverence and affection,
                  Sincerely yours,
                            S. L. CLEMENS.
           With respect and warm regards,
                  Sincerely,
                            S. L. CLEMENS.

So Samuel Clemens had reached the half-century mark; reached it in what seemed the fullness of success from every viewpoint. If he was not yet the foremost American man of letters, he was at least the most widely known—he sat upon the highest mountain-top. Furthermore, it seemed to him that fortune was showering her gifts into his lap. His unfortunate investments were now only as the necessary experiments that had led him to larger successes. As a publisher, he was already the most conspicuous in the world, and he contemplated still larger ventures: a type-setting machine patent, in which he had invested, and now largely controlled, he regarded as the chief invention of the age, absolutely certain to yield incalculable wealth. His connection with the Grant family had associated him with an enterprise looking to the building of a railway from Constantinople to the Persian Gulf. Charles A. Dana, of the Sun, had put him in the way of obtaining for publication the life of the Pope, Leo XIII, officially authorized by the Pope himself, and this he regarded as a certain fortune.

So Samuel Clemens had hit the 50-year mark; he reached it seemingly at the peak of success from every angle. If he wasn't yet the leading American author, he was at least the most well-known—he stood atop the highest peak. Additionally, he felt that luck was showering gifts upon him. His bad investments were just necessary experiments that had led him to bigger successes. As a publisher, he was already the most prominent in the world, and he was planning even larger ventures: a typesetting machine patent, in which he had invested and now largely controlled, he saw as the greatest invention of the age, sure to bring in unimaginable wealth. His connection with the Grant family linked him to a project to build a railway from Constantinople to the Persian Gulf. Charles A. Dana from the Sun had set him up to publish the life of Pope Leo XIII, officially authorized by the Pope himself, and he saw this as a guaranteed fortune.

Now that the tide had turned he felt no hesitancy in reckoning a fortune from almost any venture. The Grant book, even on the liberal terms allowed to the author, would yield a net profit of one hundred and fifty thousand dollars to its publishers. Huck Finn would yield fifty thousand dollars more. The sales of his other books had considerably increased. Certainly, at fifty, Mark Twain's fortunes were at flood-tide; buoyant and jubilant, he was floating on the topmost wave. If there were undercurrents and undertow they were down somewhere out of sight. If there were breakers ahead, they were too far distant to be heard. So sure was he of the triumphant consummation of every venture that to a friend at his home one night he said:

Now that things had turned around, he felt no hesitation in anticipating a fortune from almost any project. The Grant book, even with the generous terms given to the author, would bring a net profit of one hundred and fifty thousand dollars to its publishers. Huck Finn would bring in fifty thousand dollars more. Sales of his other books had also risen noticeably. Clearly, at fifty, Mark Twain's fortunes were at their peak; feeling lively and joyful, he was riding the highest wave. If there were any hidden challenges, they were far out of sight. If there were any obstacles ahead, they were too far away to hear. He was so confident in the successful outcome of every endeavor that one night, to a friend at his home, he said:

“I am frightened at the proportions of my prosperity. It seems to me that whatever I touch turns to gold.”

“I’m scared by how successful I’ve become. It feels like everything I touch turns to gold.”





CLIX. THE LIFE OF THE POPE

As Mark Twain in the earlier days of his marriage had temporarily put aside authorship to join in a newspaper venture, so now again literature had dropped into the background, had become an avocation, while financial interests prevailed. There were two chief ventures—the business of Charles L. Webster & Co. and the promotion of the Paige type-setting machine. They were closely identified in fortunes, so closely that in time the very existence of each depended upon the success of the other; yet they were quite distinct, and must be so treated in this story.

As Mark Twain had briefly set aside writing in the early days of his marriage to join a newspaper project, now, once again, literature had taken a backseat, becoming more of a hobby while financial matters took priority. There were two main ventures: the business of Charles L. Webster & Co. and the promotion of the Paige type-setting machine. Their fates were so intertwined that eventually, each depended on the success of the other; yet they were quite separate and should be treated as such in this story.

The success of the Grant Life had given the Webster business an immense prestige. It was no longer necessary to seek desirable features for publication. They came uninvited. Other war generals preparing their memoirs naturally hoped to appear with their great commander. McClellan's Own Story was arranged for without difficulty. A Genesis of the Civil War, by Gen. Samuel Wylie Crawford, was offered and accepted. General Sheridan's Memoirs were in preparation, and negotiations with Webster & Co. for their appearance were not delayed. Probably neither Webster nor Clemens believed that the sale of any of these books would approach those of the Grant Life, but they expected them to be large, for the Grant book had stimulated the public taste for war literature, and anything bearing the stamp of personal battle experience was considered literary legal-tender.

The success of the Grant Life had given the Webster business a huge boost in reputation. They no longer needed to seek out appealing features for publication; they came to them uninvited. Other war generals working on their memoirs naturally wanted to be associated with their great commander. McClellan's Own Story was arranged easily. A Genesis of the Civil War, by Gen. Samuel Wylie Crawford, was offered and accepted. General Sheridan's Memoirs were being prepared, and negotiations with Webster & Co. for their publication were quick. It’s likely that neither Webster nor Clemens thought any of these books would sell as well as the Grant Life, but they expected them to do well, as the Grant book had sparked public interest in war literature, and anything with personal battle experience was seen as literary gold.

Moreover, these features, and even the Grant book itself, seemed likely to dwindle in importance by the side of The Life of Pope Leo XIII., who in his old and enfeebled age had consented to the preparation of a memoir, to be published with his sanction and blessing.—[By Bernard O'Reilly, D.D., LL.D. “Written with the Encouragement, Approbation, and Blessings of His Holiness the Pope.”]—Clemens and Webster—every one, in fact, who heard of the project—united in the belief that no book, with the exception of the Holy Scripture itself or the Koran, would have a wider acceptance than the biography of the Pope. It was agreed by good judges—and they included Howells and Twichell and even the shrewd general agents throughout the country—that every good Catholic would regard such a book not only as desirable, but as absolutely necessary to his salvation. Howells, recalling Clemens's emotions of this time, writes:

Moreover, these features, and even the Grant book itself, seemed likely to dwindle in importance compared to The Life of Pope Leo XIII, who in his old and frail age had agreed to the writing of a memoir, to be published with his approval and blessing.—[By Bernard O'Reilly, D.D., LL.D. “Written with the Encouragement, Approval, and Blessings of His Holiness the Pope.”]—Clemens and Webster—everyone, in fact, who heard about the project—shared the belief that no book, apart from the Holy Scripture or the Koran, would be more widely accepted than the biography of the Pope. It was agreed by credible judges—including Howells, Twichell, and even the sharp general agents across the country—that every good Catholic would see such a book not just as desirable, but as absolutely essential for his salvation. Howells, recalling Clemens's feelings during this time, writes:

    He had no words in which to paint the magnificence of the project or
    to forecast its colossal success. It would have a currency bounded
    only by the number of Catholics in Christendom. It would be
    translated into every language which was anywhere written or
    printed; it would be circulated literally in every country of the
    globe.
    He had no words to describe the greatness of the project or to predict its huge success. It would have a reach limited only by the number of Catholics in the world. It would be translated into every language that exists in written or printed form; it would be distributed in literally every country around the globe.

The formal contract for this great undertaking was signed in Rome in April, 1886, and Webster immediately prepared to go over to consult with his Holiness in person as to certain details, also, no doubt, for the newspaper advertising which must result from such an interview.

The official contract for this major project was signed in Rome in April 1886, and Webster quickly got ready to travel to meet with the Pope in person to discuss some details, and also, surely, for the media coverage that would come from such a meeting.

It was decided to carry a handsome present to the Pope in the form of a specially made edition of the Grant Memoirs in a rich-casket, and it was Clemens's idea that the binding of the book should be solid gold—this to be done by Tiffany at an estimated cost of about three thousand dollars. In the end, however, the binding was not gold, but the handsomest that could be designed of less precious and more appropriate materials.

It was decided to bring a beautiful gift to the Pope in the form of a custom edition of the Grant Memoirs in an ornate box, and it was Clemens's idea that the book should be bound in solid gold—this to be done by Tiffany at an estimated cost of around three thousand dollars. In the end, however, the binding wasn't gold, but it was the most attractive that could be created using less expensive and more suitable materials.

Webster sailed toward the end of June, and was warmly received and highly honored in Rome. The great figures of the Grant success had astonished Europe even more than America, where spectacular achievements were more common. That any single publication should pay a profit to author and publisher of six hundred thousand dollars was a thing which belonged with the wonders of Aladdin's garden. It was natural, therefore, that Webster, who had rubbed the magic lamp with this result, who was Mark Twain's partner, and who had now traveled across the seas to confer with the Pope himself, should be received with royal honors. In letters written at the time, Webster relates how he found it necessary to have an imposing carriage and a footman to maintain the dignity of his mission, and how, after various impressive formalities, he was granted a private audience, a very special honor indeed. Webster's letter gives us a picture of his Holiness which is worth preserving.

Webster set sail toward the end of June and received a warm welcome and high honors in Rome. The success of Grant had amazed Europe even more than it had America, where grand achievements were more typical. The fact that a single publication could generate a profit of six hundred thousand dollars for both the author and the publisher was something that seemed like one of the wonders from Aladdin's tale. It was only natural, then, that Webster, who had achieved this remarkable success, was Mark Twain's partner, and had now crossed the ocean to meet with the Pope himself, would be treated like royalty. In letters he wrote at the time, Webster mentions how he needed an impressive carriage and a footman to uphold the dignity of his mission, and how, after several formalities, he was granted a private audience, which was indeed a very special honor. Webster's letter provides a memorable description of His Holiness that is worth keeping.

    We—[Mrs. Webster, who, the reader will remember, was Annie Moffett,
    a daughter of Pamela Clemens, was included in the invitation to the
    Presence Chamber.]—found ourselves in a room perhaps twenty-five by
    thirty-five feet; the furniture was gilt, upholstered in light-red
    silk, and the side-walls were hung with the same material. Against
    the wall by which we entered and in the middle space was a large
    gilt throne chair, upholstered in red plush, and upon it sat a man
    bowed with age; his hair was silvery white and as pure as the driven
    snow. His head was partly covered with a white skullcap; he was
    dressed in a long white cassock which reached to his feet, which
    rested upon a red-plush cushion and were inclosed in red embroidered
    slippers with a design of a cross. A golden chain was about his
    neck and suspended by it in his lap was a gold cross set in precious
    stones. Upon a finger of his right hand was a gold ring with an
    emerald setting nearly an inch in diameter. His countenance was
    smiling, and beamed with benevolence. His face at once impressed us
    as that of a noble, pure man who could not do otherwise than good.

    This was the Pope of Rome, and as we advanced, making the three
    genuflexions prescribed by etiquette, he smiled benignly upon us.
    We advanced and, kneeling at his feet, kissed the seal upon his
    ring. He took us each by the hand repeatedly during the audience
    and made us perfectly at our ease.
    We—[Mrs. Webster, who you’ll remember was Annie Moffett, a daughter of Pamela Clemens, was included in the invitation to the Presence Chamber.]—found ourselves in a room about twenty-five by thirty-five feet; the furniture was gilded, covered in light-red silk, and the walls were draped with the same material. Against the wall where we entered and in the center was a large gilded throne chair, upholstered in red plush, and sitting in it was a man hunched with age; his hair was silvery white and as pure as freshly fallen snow. His head was partially covered with a white skullcap; he wore a long white robe that reached to his feet, which rested on a red-plush cushion and were enclosed in red embroidered slippers with a cross design. A golden chain hung around his neck, and resting in his lap was a gold cross adorned with precious stones. On a finger of his right hand was a gold ring with an emerald nearly an inch in diameter. His face was smiling and radiated kindness. He instantly struck us as a noble, pure man who could only do good.

    This was the Pope of Rome, and as we moved closer, making the three bowing gestures required by etiquette, he smiled warmly at us. We approached and, kneeling at his feet, kissed the seal on his ring. During our audience, he took each of our hands repeatedly and made us feel completely at ease.

They remained as much as half an hour in the Presence; and the Pope conversed on a variety of subjects, including the business failure of General Grant, his last hours, and the great success of his book. The figures seemed to him hardly credible, and when Webster assured him that already a guaranteed sale of one hundred thousand copies of his own biography had been pledged by the agents he seemed even more astonished. “We in Italy cannot comprehend such things,” he said. “I know you do great work in America; I know you have done a great and noble work in regard to General Grant's book, but that my Life should have such a sale seems impossible.”

They stayed for about half an hour in the Presence, and the Pope talked about various topics, including General Grant's business failure, his final moments, and the enormous success of his book. The numbers seemed almost unbelievable to him, and when Webster told him that agents had already guaranteed the sale of one hundred thousand copies of his own biography, the Pope looked even more surprised. “We in Italy can’t understand such things,” he said. “I know you do great work in America; I know you’ve done an impressive and noble job with General Grant's book, but the idea that my Life could sell that many copies seems impossible.”

He asked about their home, their children, and was in every way the kindly, gentle-hearted man that his pictured face has shown him. Then he gave them his final blessing and the audience closed.

He asked about their home, their kids, and was, in every way, the kind and gentle man that his picture had shown him. Then he gave them his final blessing, and the audience ended.

    We each again kissed the seal on his ring. As Annie was about to
    kiss it he suddenly withdrew his hand and said, “And will you, a
    little Protestant, kiss the Pope's ring?” As he said this, his face
    was all smiles, and mischief was clearly delineated upon it. He
    immediately put back his hand and she kissed the ring. We now
    withdrew, backing out and making three genuflexions as before. Just
    as we reached the door he called to Dr. O'Reilly, “Now don't praise
    me too much; tell the truth, tell the truth.”
 
We each kissed the seal on his ring again. Just as Annie was about to kiss it, he suddenly pulled his hand back and said, “And will you, a little Protestant, kiss the Pope's ring?” He said this with a big smile, and there was a playful glint in his eyes. He quickly put his hand back, and she kissed the ring. We then stepped back, making three genuflections as we had before. Right as we got to the door, he called out to Dr. O'Reilly, “Now don't praise me too much; just tell the truth, tell the truth.”




CLX. A GREAT PUBLISHER AT HOME

Men are likely to be spoiled by prosperity, to be made arrogant, even harsh. Success made Samuel Clemens merely elate, more kindly, more humanly generous. Every day almost he wrote to Webster, suggesting some new book or venture, but always considerately, always deferring to suggestions from other points of view. Once, when it seemed to him that matters were not going as well as usual, a visit from Webster showed him that it was because of his own continued absence from the business that he did not understand. Whereupon he wrote:

Men often get spoiled by success, becoming arrogant and even harsh. For Samuel Clemens, success made him happier, kinder, and more generous. Almost every day, he wrote to Webster, suggesting a new book or project, always being considerate and open to ideas from other perspectives. Once, when he felt things weren't going as well as usual, a visit from Webster made him realize that his lack of involvement in the business was the reason he was out of the loop. He then wrote:

    DEAR CHARLEY,—Good—it's all good news. Everything is on the
    pleasantest possible basis now, and is going to stay so. I blame
    myself in not looking in on you oftener in the past—that would have
    prevented all trouble. I mean to stand to my duty better now.
    DEAR CHARLEY,—Great news! Everything is on the best possible terms now, and it’s going to stay that way. I regret not checking in on you more often before—that would have prevented all the issues. I’m going to fulfill my responsibilities better from now on.

At another time, realizing the press of responsibility, and that Webster was not entirely well, he sent a warning from Mrs. Clemens against overwork. He added:

At another time, understanding the weight of responsibility and knowing that Webster wasn't feeling his best, he sent a warning through Mrs. Clemens about working too hard. He added:

    Your letter shows that you need such a warning. So I warn you
    myself to look after that. Overwork killed Mr. Langdon and it can
    kill you.
    Your letter indicates that you need a warning. So I’m warning you myself to take care of that. Overworking killed Mr. Langdon, and it can kill you too.

Clemens found his own cares greatly multiplied. His connection with the firm was widely known, and many authors sent him their manuscripts or wrote him personal letters concerning them. Furthermore, he was beset by all the cranks and beggars in Christendom. His affairs became so numerous at length that he employed a business agent, F. G. Whitmore, to relieve him of a part of his burden. Whitmore lived close by, and was a good billiard-player. Almost anything from the morning mail served as an excuse to send for Whitmore.

Clemens found his worries multiplying. His connection to the firm was well-known, and many authors sent him their manuscripts or wrote personal letters about them. Additionally, he was pestered by various eccentrics and beggars from all over. Eventually, his workload became so overwhelming that he hired a business agent, F. G. Whitmore, to help lighten his load. Whitmore lived nearby and was a skilled billiards player. Almost anything from the morning mail was a reason to call Whitmore over.

Clemens was fond of affairs when they were going well; he liked the game of business, especially when it was pretentious and showily prosperous. It is probable that he was never more satisfied with his share of fortune than just at this time. Certainly his home life was never happier. Katie Leary, for thirty years in the family service, has set down some impressions of that pleasant period.

Clemens enjoyed relationships when things were going well; he liked the business game, especially when it was flashy and seemed successful. It's likely that he was never more pleased with his luck than right now. Without a doubt, his home life was never happier. Katie Leary, who had been with the family for thirty years, recorded some thoughts about that delightful time.

    Mr. Clemens was a very affectionate father. He seldom left the
    house at night, but would read to the family, first to the children
    until bedtime, afterward to Mrs. Clemens. He usually read Browning
    to her. They were very fond of it. The children played charades a
    great deal, and he was wonderful at that game and always helped
    them. They were very fond of private theatricals. Every Saturday
    of their lives they had a temporary stage put up in the school-room
    and we all had to help. Gerhardt painted the scenery. They
    frequently played the balcony scene from “Romeo and Juliet” and
    several plays they wrote themselves. Now and then we had a big
    general performance of “The Prince and the Pauper.” That would be
    in the library and the dining-room with the folding-doors open. The
    place just held eighty-four chairs, and the stage was placed back
    against the conservatory. The children were crazy about acting and
    we all enjoyed it as much as they did, especially Mr. Clemens, who
    was the best actor of all. I had a part, too, and George. I have
    never known a happier household than theirs was during those years.

    Mr. Clemens spent most of his time up in the billiard-room, writing
    or playing billiards. One day when I went in, and he was shooting
    the balls around the tables, I noticed smoke coming up from the
    hearth. I called Patrick, and John O'Neill, the gardener, and we
    began taking up the hearth to see what was the matter. Mr. Clemens
    kept on playing billiards right along and paid no attention to what
    we were doing. Finally, when we got the hearth up, a lot of flame
    and smoke came out into the room. The house was on fire. Mr.
    Clemens noticed then what we were about, and went over to the corner
    where there were some bottle fire-extinguishers. He took one down
    and threw it into the flames. This put them out a good deal, and he
    took up his cue, went back to the table, and began to shoot the
    balls around again as if nothing had happened. Mrs. Clemens came in
    just then and said, “Why, the house is afire!”

    “Yes, I know it,” he said, but went on playing.

    We had a telephone and it didn't work very well. It annoyed him a
    good deal and sometimes he'd say:

    “I'll tear it out.”

    One day he tried to call up Mrs. Dr. Tafft. He could not hear
    plainly and thought he was talking to central. “Send down and take
    this d—-thing out of here,” he said; “I'm tired of it.” He was
    mad, and using a good deal of bad language. All at once he heard
    Mrs. Dr. Tafft say, “Oh, Mr. Clemens, good morning.” He said, “Why,
    Mrs. Tafft, I have just come to the telephone. George, our butler,
    was here before me and I heard him swearing as I came up. I shall
    have to talk to him about it.”

    Mrs. Tafft often told it on him.—[ Mark Twain once wrote to the
    telephone management: “The time is coming very soon when the
    telephone will be a perfect instrument, when proximity will no
    longer be a hindrance to its performance, when, in fact, one will
    hear a man who is in the next block just as easily and comfortably
    as he would if that man were in San Francisco.”]
    Mrs. Clemens, before I went there, took care of his desk, but little
    by little I began to look after it when she was busy at other
    things. Finally I took care of it altogether, but he didn't know it
    for a long time. One morning he caught me at it. “What are you
    doing here?” he asked.

    “Dusting, Mr. Clemens,” I said.

    “You have no business here,” he said, very mad.

    “I've been doing it for a year, Mr. Clemens,” I said. “Mrs. Clemens
    told me to do it.”

    After that, when he missed anything—and he missed things often—he
    would ring for me. “Katie,” he would say, “you have lost that
    manuscript.”

    “Oh, Mr. Clemens,”, I would say, “I am sure I didn't touch it.”

    “Yes, you did touch it, Katie. You put it in the fire. It is
    gone.”

    He would scold then, and fume a great deal. Then he would go over
    and mark out with his toe on the carpet a line which I was never to
    cross. “Katie,” he would say, “you are never to go nearer to my
    desk than that line. That is the dead-line.” Often after he had
    scolded me in the morning he would come in in the evening where I
    was dressing Mrs. Clemens to go out and say, “Katie, I found that
    manuscript.” And I would say, “Mr. Clemens, I felt so bad this
    morning that I wanted to go away.”

    He had a pipe-cleaner which he kept on a high shelf. It was an
    awful old dirty one, and I didn't know that he ever used it. I took
    it to the balcony which was built out into the woods and threw it
    away as far as I could throw it. Next day he asked, “Katie, did you
    see my pipe-cleaner? You did see it; I can tell by your looks.”

    I said, “Yes, Mr. Clemens, I threw it away.”

    “Well,” he said, “it was worth a thousand dollars,” and it seemed so
    to me, too, before he got done scolding about it.
    Mr. Clemens was a very loving dad. He rarely left the house at night, instead choosing to read to the family—first to the kids until bedtime, then to Mrs. Clemens. He usually read Browning to her, which they both loved. The children often played charades, and he was fantastic at that game, always eager to help. They were also really into putting on private shows. Every Saturday, they set up a temporary stage in the schoolroom, and we all had to pitch in. Gerhardt painted the scenery. They frequently acted out the balcony scene from “Romeo and Juliet” and several plays they wrote themselves. Occasionally, we put on a big performance of “The Prince and the Pauper.” That took place in the library and the dining room with the folding doors open. The space could fit eighty-four chairs, and the stage was set up against the conservatory. The kids were crazy about acting, and we all had as much fun as they did, especially Mr. Clemens, who was the best actor of all. I had a role too, along with George. I've never known a happier household than theirs during those years.

    Mr. Clemens spent most of his time in the billiard room, writing or playing billiards. One day when I walked in, and he was shooting the balls around the tables, I noticed smoke rising from the hearth. I called Patrick and John O'Neill, the gardener, and we started to check the hearth to see what was wrong. Mr. Clemens continued playing billiards without paying attention to us. Finally, when we lifted the hearth, flames and smoke poured into the room. The house was on fire. Mr. Clemens noticed what we were doing and went over to the corner where the fire extinguishers were stored. He grabbed one and tossed it into the flames. This helped a lot, and he picked up his cue, returned to the table, and began shooting the balls around as if nothing had happened. Just then, Mrs. Clemens came in and said, “Why, the house is on fire!”

    “Yes, I know,” he said, but continued playing.

    We had a telephone that didn’t work very well, which annoyed him a lot, and sometimes he’d say, “I’m going to tear it out.”

    One day he tried to call Mrs. Dr. Tafft. He couldn’t hear clearly and thought he was talking to the operator. “Get this damned thing out of here,” he said; “I’m tired of it.” He was angry and used quite a bit of profanity. Suddenly, he heard Mrs. Dr. Tafft say, “Oh, Mr. Clemens, good morning.” He said, “Why, Mrs. Tafft, I just got to the phone. George, our butler, was here before me, and I heard him cursing as I came up. I’ll have to talk to him about it.”

    Mrs. Tafft often laughed about it.—[Mark Twain once wrote to the telephone management: “The time is coming very soon when the telephone will be a perfect instrument, when proximity will no longer be a hindrance to its performance, when, in fact, one will hear a man who is in the next block just as easily and comfortably as he would if that man were in San Francisco.”] Mrs. Clemens used to take care of his desk before I arrived, but gradually, I started looking after it when she was busy with other things. Eventually, I took over completely without him knowing for a long time. One morning, he caught me. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

    “Dusting, Mr. Clemens,” I replied.

    “You have no business here,” he said, clearly upset.

    “I’ve been doing it for a year, Mr. Clemens,” I said. “Mrs. Clemens told me to.”

    After that, whenever he couldn’t find something—and he often couldn’t—he would ring for me. “Katie,” he’d say, “you’ve lost that manuscript.”

    “Oh, Mr. Clemens,” I would respond, “I’m sure I didn’t touch it.”

    “Yes, you did touch it, Katie. You put it in the fire. It’s gone.”

    Then he would scold me and fume a lot. Afterward, he would go over and mark a line on the carpet with his toe, saying I was never to cross it. “Katie,” he would say, “you are never to go closer to my desk than that line. That is the dead line.” Often, after he scolded me in the morning, he would come in later that evening while I was dressing Mrs. Clemens to go out and say, “Katie, I found that manuscript.” I would reply, “Mr. Clemens, I felt so bad this morning that I wanted to leave.”

    He had a pipe-cleaner that he kept on a high shelf. It was an old, dirty one, and I didn’t think he ever used it. I took it to the balcony that extended into the woods and threw it as far as I could. The next day he asked, “Katie, did you see my pipe-cleaner? You did see it; I can tell by your face.”

    I replied, “Yes, Mr. Clemens, I threw it away.”

    “Well,” he said, “it was worth a thousand dollars,” and it seemed that way to me too, after he finished scolding about it.

It is hard not to dwell too long on the home life of this period. One would like to make a long chapter out of those play-acting evenings alone. They remained always fresh in Mark Twain's memory. Once he wrote of them:

It’s difficult not to spend too much time thinking about the home life of this period. It would be great to dedicate a whole chapter to those play-acting evenings. They always stayed vivid in Mark Twain’s mind. Once, he wrote about them:

    We dined as we could, probably with a neighbor, and by quarter to
    eight in the evening the hickory fire in the hall was pouring a
    sheet of flame up the chimney, the house was in a drench of gas-
    light from the ground floor up, the guests were arriving, and there
    was a babble of hearty greetings, with not a voice in it that was
    not old and familiar and affectionate; and when the curtain went up
    we looked out from the stage upon none but faces that were dear to
    us, none but faces that were lit up with welcome for us.
    We ate dinner as best as we could, likely with a neighbor, and by 7:45 PM, the hickory fire in the living room was sending flames up the chimney, the house was filled with gaslight from the ground floor to the top, guests were arriving, and there was a joyful mix of greetings, each voice familiar and warm; when the curtain rose, we looked out from the stage and saw only faces we loved, all smiling with welcome for us.




CLXI. HISTORY: MAINLY BY SUSY

Suzy, in her biography, which she continued through this period, writes:

    Mama and I have both been very much troubled of late because papa,
    since he had been publishing General Grant's books, has seemed to
    forget his own books and works entirely; and the other evening, as
    papa and I were promonading up and down the library, he told me that
    he didn't expect to write but one more book, and then he was ready
    to give up work altogether, die, or, do anything; he said that he
    had written more than he had ever expected to, and the only book
    that he had been pertickularly anxious to write was one locked up in
    the safe downstairs, not yet published.
Mama and I have both been really worried lately because Papa, ever since he started publishing General Grant's books, seems to have completely forgotten about his own books and projects. The other evening, as Papa and I were walking back and forth in the library, he told me that he didn’t expect to write another book, and then he was ready to quit working entirely, die, or do anything else. He said that he had written more than he ever thought he would, and the only book he was particularly eager to write was the one locked in the safe downstairs, which hasn’t been published yet.

The book locked in the safe was Captain Stormfield, and the one he expected to write was A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court. He had already worked at it in a desultory way during the early months of 1886, and once wrote of it to Webster:

The book secured in the safe was Captain Stormfield, and the one he planned to write was A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court. He had already started on it in a casual manner during the early months of 1886, and once mentioned it to Webster:

    I have begun a book whose scene is laid far back in the twilight of
    tradition; I have saturated myself with the atmosphere of the day
    and the subject and got myself into the swing of the work. If I peg
    away for some weeks without a break I am safe.
    I’ve started a book set in a time long ago, steeped in tradition. I’ve immersed myself in the vibe of that era and the topic, and I’ve gotten into the flow of writing. If I keep at it for a few weeks without stopping, I’ll be fine.

But he could not peg away. He had too many irons in the fire for that. Matthew Arnold had criticized General Grant's English, and Clemens immediately put down other things to rush to his hero's defense. He pointed out that in Arnold's criticism there were no less than “two grammatical crimes and more than several examples of very crude and slovenly English,” and said:

But he couldn’t keep at it. He had too many other things going on for that. Matthew Arnold had criticized General Grant's English, and Clemens instantly set aside other tasks to defend his hero. He pointed out that Arnold's criticism contained “two grammatical mistakes and several instances of very awkward and sloppy English,” and said:

    There is that about the sun which makes us forget his spots, and
    when we think of General Grant our pulses quicken and his grammar
    vanishes; we only remember that this is the simple soldier, who, all
    untaught of the silken phrase-makers, linked words together with an
    art surpassing the art of the schools, and put into them a something
    which will still bring to American ears, as long as America shall
    last, the roll of his vanished drums and the tread of his marching
    hosts.—[Address to Army and Navy Club. For full text see
    Appendix]
    There’s something about the sun that makes us overlook its blemishes, and when we think of General Grant, our hearts race and his awkward grammar disappears; we simply remember him as the straightforward soldier who, without the influence of eloquent speakers, strung words together with a skill that surpassed formal education, infusing them with something that will continue to resonate in American ears for as long as America exists, echoing the sound of his lost drums and the march of his troops.—[Address to Army and Navy Club. For full text see Appendix]

Clemens worked at the Yankee now and then, and Howells, when some of the chapters were read to him, gave it warm approval and urged its continuance.

Clemens worked at the Yankee occasionally, and Howells, when some of the chapters were read to him, gave it enthusiastic approval and encouraged it to keep going.

Howells was often in Hartford at this time. Webster & Co. were planning to publish The Library of Humor, which Howells and “Charley” Clark had edited several years before, and occasional conferences were desirable. Howells tells us that, after he and Clark had been at great trouble to get the matter logically and chronologically arranged, Clemens pulled it all to pieces and threw it together helter-skelter, declaring that there ought to be no sequence in a book of that sort, any more than in the average reader's mind; and Howells admits that this was probably the truer method in a book made for the diversion rather than the instruction of the reader.

Howells was often in Hartford during this time. Webster & Co. were planning to publish The Library of Humor, which Howells and “Charley” Clark had edited several years earlier, so occasional meetings were necessary. Howells mentions that after he and Clark worked hard to organize the material logically and chronologically, Clemens came in and disassembled it all, tossing it together randomly, claiming there shouldn’t be any order in a book like that, just as there isn’t any in the average reader's mind; and Howells acknowledges that this was probably a more accurate approach for a book intended for entertainment rather than for teaching the reader.

One of the literary diversions of this time was a commentary on a delicious little book by Caroline B. Le Row—English as She Is Taught—being a compilation of genuine answers given to examination questions by pupils in our public schools. Mark Twain was amused by such definitions as: “Aborigines, system of mountains”; “Alias—a good man in the Bible”; “Ammonia—the food of the gods,” and so on down the alphabet.

One of the popular literary entertainments of this time was a commentary on a charming little book by Caroline B. Le Row—English as She Is Taught— which was a collection of actual responses to exam questions by students in our public schools. Mark Twain found humor in definitions like: “Aborigines, system of mountains”; “Alias—a good man in the Bible”; “Ammonia—the food of the gods,” and so on throughout the alphabet.

Susy, in her biography, mentions that her father at this time read to them a little article which he had just written, entitled “Luck,” and that they thought it very good. It was a story which Twichell had heard and told to Clemens, who set it down about as it came to him. It was supposed to be true, yet Clemens seemed to think it too improbable for literature and laid it away for a number of years. We shall hear of it again by and by.

Susy, in her biography, mentions that her father at this time read to them a short piece he had just written, called “Luck,” and they thought it was really good. It was a story that Twichell had heard and shared with Clemens, who wrote it down pretty much as he heard it. It was supposed to be true, but Clemens thought it was too unlikely for literature and put it away for several years. We'll hear about it again later.

From Susy's memoranda we gather that humanity at this time was to be healed of all evils and sorrows through “mind cure.”

From Susy's notes, we learn that at this time, humanity was meant to be healed of all its troubles and pains through “mind cure.”

    Papa has been very much interested of late in the “mind-cure”
     theory. And, in fact, so have we all. A young lady in town has
    worked wonders by using the “mind cure” upon people; she is
    constantly busy now curing peoples' diseases in this way—and curing
    her own, even, which to me seems the most remarkable of all.

    A little while past papa was delighted with the knowledge of what he
    thought the best way of curing a cold, which was by starving it.
    This starving did work beautifully, and freed him from a great many
    severe colds. Now he says it wasn't the starving that helped his
    colds, but the trust in the starving, the “mind cure” connected with
    the starving.

    I shouldn't wonder if we finally became firm believers in “mind
    cure.” The next time papa has a cold I haven't a doubt he will send
    for Miss Holden, the young lady who is doctoring in the “mind-cure”
     theory, to cure him of it.
    Dad has recently become really interested in the "mind-cure" theory. In fact, we all have. A young woman in town has achieved amazing results by using "mind cure" on people; she's now constantly busy healing people's illnesses this way—and even curing her own, which seems the most impressive of all to me.

    Not long ago, Dad was thrilled when he learned what he thought was the best way to cure a cold, which was by starving it. This starving method worked great and helped him avoid a lot of bad colds. Now he says it wasn't the starving that helped his colds, but the belief in the starving, the "mind cure" that came with it.

    I wouldn't be surprised if we eventually became strong supporters of "mind cure." The next time Dad has a cold, I have no doubt he will call for Miss Holden, the young woman who practices the "mind-cure" theory, to treat him.

Again, a month later, she writes:

Again, a month later, she writes:

    April 19, 1886. Yes, the “mind cure” does seem to be working
    wonderfully. Papa, who has been using glasses now for more than a
    year, has laid them off entirely. And my near-sightedness is really
    getting better. It seems marvelous. When Jean has stomack-ache
    Clara and I have tried to divert her by telling her to lie on her
    side and try “mind cure.” The novelty of it has made her willing to
    try it, and then Clara and I would exclaim about how wonderful it
    was she was getting better. And she would think it realy was
    finally, and stop crying, to our delight.

    The other day mama went into the library and found her lying on the
    sofa with her back toward the door. She said, “Why, Jean, what's
    the matter? Don't you feel well?” Jean said that she had a little
    stomack-ache, and so thought she would lie down. Mama said, “Why
    don't you try 'mind cure'?” “I am,” Jean answered.
    April 19, 1886. Yes, the “mind cure” really seems to be working wonderfully. Dad, who has been wearing glasses for over a year, has completely stopped using them. And my nearsightedness is honestly getting better. It feels amazing. When Jean has a stomachache, Clara and I have tried to distract her by telling her to lie on her side and try “mind cure.” The novelty of it has made her willing to give it a shot, and then Clara and I would exclaim about how amazing it was that she was getting better. Eventually, she would believe it too and stop crying, which delighted us. 

    The other day, Mom went into the library and found her lying on the sofa with her back facing the door. She said, “Why, Jean, what's wrong? Don't you feel well?” Jean replied that she had a little stomachache, so she thought she would lie down. Mom said, “Why don't you try 'mind cure'?” “I am,” Jean answered.

Howells and Twichell were invited to try the “mind cure,” as were all other friends who happened along. To the end of his days Clemens would always have some panacea to offer to allay human distress. It was a good trait, when all is said, for it had its root in his humanity. The “mind cure” did not provide all the substance of things hoped for, though he always allowed for it a wide efficacy. Once, in later years, commenting on Susy's record, he said:

Howells and Twichell were invited to try the “mind cure,” just like all the other friends who happened to stop by. Until the end of his life, Clemens would always have some remedy to suggest to ease human suffering. It was a good quality, really, because it stemmed from his compassion. The “mind cure” didn’t deliver everything people hoped for, even though he always believed it had a broad effectiveness. Once, in later years, while reflecting on Susy’s notes, he said:

    The mind cannot heal broken bones, and doubtless there are many
    other physical ills which it cannot heal, but it can greatly help to
    modify the severities of all of them without exception, and there
    are mental and nervous ailments which it can wholly heal without the
    help of physician or surgeon.
    The mind can't fix broken bones, and surely there are many other physical issues it can't heal, but it can significantly lessen the severity of all of them, no matter what. Additionally, there are mental and nervous disorders that it can completely cure without the need for a doctor or a surgeon.

Susy records another burning interest of this time:

Susy notes another intense interest this time:

    Clara sprained her ankle a little while ago by running into a tree
    when coasting, and while she was unable to walk with it she played
    solotaire with cards a great deal. While Clara was sick and papa
    saw her play solotaire so much he got very much interested in the
    game, and finally began to play it himself a little; then Jean took
    it up, and at last mama even played it occasionally; Jean's and
    papa's love for it rapidly increased, and now Jean brings the cards
    every night to the table and papa and mama help her play, and before
    dinner is at an end papa has gotten a separate pack of cards and is
    playing alone, with great interest. Mama and Clara next are made
    subject to the contagious solotaire, and there are four
    solotarireans at the table, while you hear nothing but “Fill up the
    place,” etc. It is dreadful!
Clara sprained her ankle not long ago by running into a tree while coasting, and since she couldn't walk on it, she spent a lot of time playing solitaire. While Clara was laid up and Papa noticed her playing solitaire so much, he became really interested in the game and eventually started playing a little himself; then Jean picked it up, and soon Mama even played it occasionally. Jean's and Papa's enthusiasm for the game quickly grew, and now Jean brings the cards to the table every night, with Papa and Mama joining her in the game. By the time dinner is over, Papa has even gotten his own deck of cards and is playing solo, fully engaged. Mama and Clara then get caught up in the contagious solitaire craze, and there are four solitaire players at the table, with nothing but “Fill up the place,” etc. It’s ridiculous!

But a little further along Susy presents her chief subject more seriously. He is not altogether absorbed with “mind cure” and solitaire, or even with making humorous tales.

But a little further along, Susy introduces her main topic more seriously. He isn't completely caught up in "mind cure" and solitaire, or even in crafting funny stories.

    Papa has done a great deal in his life I think that is good and very
    remarkable, but I think if he had had the advantages with which he
    could have developed the gifts which he has made no use of in
    writing his books, or in any other way, for peoples' pleasure and
    benefit outside of his own family and intimate friends, he could
    have done more than he has, and a great deal more, even. He is
    known to the public as a humorist, but he has much more in him that
    is earnest than that is humorous. He has a keen sense of the
    ludicrous, notices funny stories and incidents, knows how to tell
    them, to improve upon them, and does not forget them.
    Dad has accomplished a lot in his life, which I believe is impressive and significant. However, I think if he had had the opportunities to develop the talents he's never fully used in writing his books or in any other way for the enjoyment and benefit of others beyond just his family and close friends, he could have achieved even more. He’s recognized by the public as a humorist, but he has a lot more serious insight than just humor. He has a sharp eye for the ridiculous, notices funny stories and events, knows how to tell them, enhance them, and doesn’t forget them.

And again:

And again:

    When we are all alone at home nine times out of ten he talks about
    some very earnest subject (with an occasional joke thrown in), and
    he a good deal more often talks upon such subjects than upon the
    other kind.

    He is as much of a philosopher as anything, I think. I think he
    could have done a great deal in this direction if he had studied
    while young, for he seems to enjoy reasoning out things, no matter
    what; in a great many such directions he has greater ability than in
    the gifts which have made him famous.
    When we're all alone at home, nine times out of ten he talks about something really serious (with a joke here and there), and he talks about these kinds of topics way more often than the lighter ones.

    I really think he's quite the philosopher. I believe he could have achieved a lot in that area if he had studied when he was younger because he really seems to enjoy figuring things out, no matter what it is; in many ways, he has more talent for this than for the skills that have made him famous.

It was with the keen eyes and just mind of childhood that Susy estimated, and there is little to add to her valuation.

It was with the sharp eyes and fair judgment of childhood that Susy made her assessment, and there’s not much more to say about her valuation.

Susy's biography came to an end that summer after starting to record a visit which they all made to Keokuk to see Grandma Clemens. They went by way of the Lakes and down the Mississippi from St. Paul. A pleasant incident happened that first evening on the river. Soon after nightfall they entered a shoal crossing. Clemens, standing alone on the hurricane-deck, heard the big bell forward boom out the call for leads. Then came the leadsman's long-drawn chant, once so familiar, the monotonous repeating in river parlance of the depths of water. Presently the lead had found that depth of water signified by his nom de plume and the call of “Mark Twain, Mark Twain” floated up to him like a summons from the past. All at once a little figure came running down the deck, and Clara confronted him, reprovingly:

Susy's biography wrapped up that summer after they started recording a trip they all took to Keokuk to visit Grandma Clemens. They traveled via the Lakes and down the Mississippi from St. Paul. A nice moment happened that first evening on the river. Soon after night fell, they entered a shallow crossing. Clemens, standing alone on the top deck, heard the big bell at the front call out for leads. Then came the leadsman's drawn-out chant, once so familiar, the monotonous repetition in river terms of the water's depth. Eventually, the lead found the depth of water noted by his nickname, and the call of “Mark Twain, Mark Twain” drifted up to him like a call from the past. Suddenly, a small figure came running down the deck, and Clara confronted him, reproachfully:

“Papa,” she said, “I have hunted all over the boat for you. Don't you know they are calling for you?”

“Dad,” she said, “I’ve looked everywhere on the boat for you. Don’t you know they’re looking for you?”

They remained in Keokuk a week, and Susy starts to tell something of their visit there. She begins:

They stayed in Keokuk for a week, and Susy starts to share some of their experiences from the visit. She begins:

“We have arrived in Keokuk after a very pleasant——”

“We have arrived in Keokuk after a really nice——”

The sentence remains unfinished. We cannot know what was the interruption or what new interest kept her from her task. We can only regret that the loving little hand did not continue its pleasant history. Years later, when Susy had passed from among the things we know, her father, commenting, said:

The sentence is still incomplete. We can’t know what caused the interruption or what new interest distracted her from her work. We can only wish that the caring little hand had kept telling its delightful story. Years later, after Susy was gone from the world we know, her father reflected and said:

    When I look at the arrested sentence that ends the little book it
    seems as if the hand that traced it cannot be far—it is gone for a
    moment only, and will come again and finish it. But that is a
    dream; a creature of the heart, not of the mind—a feeling, a
    longing, not a mental product; the same that lured Aaron Burr, old,
    gray, forlorn, forsaken, to the pier day after day, week after week,
    there to stand in the gloom and the chill of the dawn, gazing
    seaward through veiling mists and sleet and snow for the ship which
    he knew was gone down, the ship that bore all his treasure—his
    daughter.
When I look at the unfinished sentence that ends the little book, it feels like the hand that wrote it can't be far away—it’s just gone for a moment and will return to finish it. But that’s just a dream; it’s a feeling from the heart, not the mind—a desire, not just a thought; it’s the same thing that drew Aaron Burr, old, gray, lonely, and abandoned, to the dock day after day, week after week. He would stand in the gloom and chill of dawn, staring out to sea through the fog and sleet and snow, waiting for the ship he knew had sunk, the ship that carried all his treasure—his daughter.




VOLUME II, Part 2: 1886-1900





CLXII. BROWNING, MEREDITH, AND MEISTERSCHAFT

The Browning readings must have begun about this time. Just what kindled Mark Twain's interest in the poetry of Robert Browning is not remembered, but very likely his earlier associations with the poet had something to do with it. Whatever the beginning, we find him, during the winter of 1886 and 1887, studiously, even violently, interested in Browning's verses, entertaining a sort of club or class who gathered to hear his rich, sympathetic, and luminous reading of the Payleyings—“With Bernard de Mandeville,” “Daniel Bartoli,” or “Christopher Smart.” Members of the Saturday Morning Club were among his listeners and others-friends of the family. They were rather remarkable gatherings, and no one of that group but always vividly remembered the marvelously clear insight which Mark Twain's vocal personality gave to those somewhat obscure measures. They did not all of them realize that before reading a poem he studied it line by line, even word by word; dug out its last syllable of meaning, so far as lay within human possibility, and indicated with pencil every shade of emphasis which would help to reveal the poet's purpose. No student of Browning ever more devoutly persisted in trying to compass a master's intent—in such poems as “Sordello,” for instance—than Mark Twain. Just what permanent benefit he received from this particular passion it is difficult to know. Once, at a class-meeting, after finishing “Easter Day,” he made a remark which the class requested him to “write down.” It is recorded on the fly-leaf of Dramatis Personae as follows:

The Browning readings must have started around this time. It’s not clear what sparked Mark Twain’s interest in Robert Browning’s poetry, but his earlier connections with the poet probably played a role. No matter how it started, we see him, during the winter of 1886 and 1887, deeply and passionately engaged with Browning’s works, hosting a sort of club or class where people gathered to listen to his rich, engaging, and illuminating readings of the “Pavilion” pieces—“With Bernard de Mandeville,” “Daniel Bartoli,” or “Christopher Smart.” Members of the Saturday Morning Club were among his audience, along with other family friends. These were quite remarkable gatherings, and everyone in that group vividly remembered the incredible clarity of insight that Mark Twain’s reading brought to those somewhat obscure poems. Not all of them realized that before reading a poem, he studied it line by line, even word by word; he extracted every last ounce of meaning humanly possible and marked every nuance of emphasis that could help reveal the poet’s intention. No Browning student ever pursued understanding a master’s intent more devotedly—in works like “Sordello,” for instance—than Mark Twain. It’s hard to say what lasting benefit he gained from this particular passion. Once, at a class meeting, after finishing “Easter Day,” he made a comment that the class asked him to “write down.” It’s recorded on the flyleaf of Dramatis Personae as follows:

    One's glimpses & confusions, as one reads Browning, remind me of
    looking through a telescope (the small sort which you must move with
    your hand, not clock-work). You toil across dark spaces which are
    (to your lens) empty; but every now & then a splendor of stars &
    suns bursts upon you and fills the whole field with flame. Feb.
    23, 1887.
One's insights and uncertainties while reading Browning remind me of looking through a small telescope that you have to adjust by hand, not a mechanical one. You struggle through vast dark spaces that seem empty to your lens, but every now and then, a brilliance of stars and suns appears and lights up the entire view with fire. Feb. 23, 1887.

In another note he speaks of the “vague dim flash of splendid humming-birds through a fog.” Whatever mental treasures he may or may not have laid up from Browning there was assuredly a deep gratification in the discovery of those splendors of “stars and suns” and the flashing “humming-birds,” as there must also have been in pointing out those wonders to the little circle of devout listeners. It all seemed so worth while.

In another note, he talks about the “vague dim flash of beautiful hummingbirds through a fog.” Whatever insights he may or may not have gained from Browning, there was definitely a deep satisfaction in discovering those beauties of “stars and suns” and the flashing “hummingbirds,” just as there surely was in sharing those marvels with the small group of devoted listeners. It all felt so worthwhile.

It was at a time when George Meredith was a reigning literary favorite. There was a Meredith cult as distinct as that of Browning. Possibly it exists to-day, but, if so, it is less militant. Mrs. Clemens and her associates were caught in the Meredith movement and read Diana of the Crossways and the Egoist with reverential appreciation.

It was when George Meredith was a top literary favorite. There was a Meredith fanbase just as strong as Browning's. It might still exist today, but if it does, it's not as intense. Mrs. Clemens and her friends were part of the Meredith movement and read Diana of the Crossways and The Egoist with deep appreciation.

The Meredith epidemic did not touch Mark Twain. He read but few novels at most, and, skilful as was the artistry of the English favorite, he found his characters artificialities—ingeniously contrived puppets rather than human beings, and, on the whole, overrated by their creator. Diana of the Crossways was read aloud, and, listening now and then, he was likely to say:

The Meredith epidemic didn’t affect Mark Twain. He read very few novels at most, and even though the English favorite was skillful in his artistry, Twain found his characters to be artificial—cleverly crafted puppets rather than real people, and generally overrated by their creator. Diana of the Crossways was read aloud, and whenever he listened in, he would likely say:

“It doesn't seem to me that Diana lives up to her reputation. The author keeps telling us how smart she is, how brilliant, but I never seem to hear her say anything smart or brilliant. Read me some of Diana's smart utterances.”

“It doesn't seem to me that Diana lives up to her reputation. The author keeps saying how smart she is, how brilliant, but I never actually hear her say anything smart or brilliant. Show me some of Diana's clever comments.”

He was relentless enough in his criticism of a literature he did not care for, and he never learned to care for Meredith.

He was tough enough in his criticism of a type of literature he didn't like, and he never bothered to appreciate Meredith.

He read his favorite books over and over with an ever-changing point of view. He re-read Carlyle's French Revolution during the summer at the farm, and to Howells he wrote:

He read his favorite books repeatedly, each time with a different perspective. He reread Carlyle's French Revolution that summer at the farm, and he wrote to Howells:

    How stunning are the changes which age makes in man while he sleeps!
    When I finished Carlyle's French Revolution in 1871 I was a
    Girondin; every time I have read it since I have read it
    differently—being influenced & changed, little by little, by life &
    environment (& Taine & St. Simon); & now I lay the book down once
    more, & recognize that I am a Sansculotte!—And not a pale,
    characterless Sansculotte, but a Marat. Carlyle teaches no such
    gospel, so the change is in me—in my vision of the evidences.

    People pretend that the Bible means the same to them at 50 that it
    did at all former milestones in their journey. I wonder how they
    can lie so. It comes of practice, no doubt. They would not say
    that of Dickens's or Scott's books. Nothing remains the same. When
    a man goes back to look at the house of his childhood it has always
    shrunk; there is no instance of such house being as big as the
    picture in memory & imagination call for. Shrunk how? Why, to its
    correct dimensions; the house hasn't altered; this is the first time
    it has been in focus.

    Well, that's loss. To have house & Bible shrink so, under the
    disillusioning corrected angle, is loss—for a moment. But there
    are compensations. You tilt the tube skyward & bring planets &
    comets & corona flames a hundred & fifty thousand miles high into
    the field. Which I see you have done, & found Tolstoi. I haven't
    got him in focus yet, but I've got Browning.
How amazing are the changes that age brings to a person while they’re asleep! When I finished reading Carlyle's French Revolution in 1871, I identified as a Girondin; every time I have read it since, I’ve seen it differently—being influenced and changed, little by little, by life and my surroundings (and Taine and St. Simon); and now I put the book down once again, and I realize that I’m a Sansculotte!—And not just any pale, characterless Sansculotte, but a Marat. Carlyle doesn't teach any such gospel, so the change is within me—in how I perceive the evidence.

People claim that the Bible means the same to them at 50 as it did at every other point in their lives. I wonder how they can lie so easily. It must be from practice. They wouldn’t say the same about Dickens's or Scott's books. Nothing stays the same. When a person goes back to see their childhood home, it’s always smaller; there’s never an instance of that house being as big as the image that memory and imagination suggest. How has it shrunk? Well, to its actual size; the house hasn’t changed; this is the first time it’s been in focus.

Well, that’s a loss. To see both house and Bible shrink like that, under the disillusioning corrected angle, is indeed a loss—for a moment. But there are compensations. You tilt the tube upward and bring planets, comets, and corona flames a hundred and fifty thousand miles high into focus. Which I see you have done, and you’ve found Tolstoi. I haven’t gotten him in focus yet, but I’ve got Browning.

In time the Browning passion would wane and pass, and the club was succeeded by, or perhaps it blended with, a German class which met at regular intervals at the Clemens home to study “der, die, and das” and the “gehabt habens” out of Meisterschaft and such other text-books as Professor Schleutter could provide. They had monthly conversation days, when they discussed in German all sorts of things, real and imaginary. Once Dr. Root, a prominent member, and Clemens had a long wrangle over painting a house, in which they impersonated two German neighbors.

Eventually, the excitement around Browning faded away, and the club was replaced by, or maybe it merged with, a German class that gathered regularly at the Clemens home to go over “der, die, and das” and the “gehabt habens” from Meisterschaft and other textbooks that Professor Schleutter could provide. They held monthly conversation days, where they talked about all kinds of topics in German, both real and imagined. One time, Dr. Root, a key member, and Clemens had a lengthy debate about painting a house, where they took on the roles of two German neighbors.

Clemens finally wrote for the class a three-act play “Meisterschaft”—a literary achievement for which he was especially qualified, with its picturesque mixture of German and English and its unfailing humor. It seems unlike anything ever attempted before or since. No one but Mark Twain could have written it. It was given twice by the class with enormous success, and in modified form it was published in the Century Magazine (January, 1888). It is included to-day in his “Complete Works,” but one must have a fair knowledge of German to capture the full delight of it.—[On the original manuscript Mark Twain wrote: “There is some tolerably rancid German here and there in this piece. It is attributable to the proof-reader.” Perhaps the proof-reader resented this and cut it out, for it does not appear as published.]

Clemens finally wrote a three-act play for the class called “Meisterschaft”—a literary achievement he was particularly suited for, with its colorful blend of German and English and its constant humor. It seems unique compared to anything attempted before or since. No one but Mark Twain could have created it. The class performed it twice with great success, and in a modified form, it was published in the Century Magazine (January, 1888). It’s included today in his “Complete Works,” but you really need a good understanding of German to fully appreciate it.—[On the original manuscript, Mark Twain wrote: “There is some tolerably rancid German here and there in this piece. It is attributable to the proof-reader.” Perhaps the proof-reader didn’t like it and cut it out because it doesn't appear in the published version.]

Mark Twain probably exaggerated his sentiments a good deal when in the Carlyle letter he claimed to be the most rabid of Sansculottes. It is unlikely that he was ever very bare-kneed and crimson in his anarchy. He believed always that cruelty should be swiftly punished, whether in king or commoner, and that tyrants should be destroyed. He was for the people as against kings, and for the union of labor as opposed to the union of capital, though he wrote of such matters judicially—not radically. The Knights of Labor organization, then very powerful, seemed to Clemens the salvation of oppressed humanity. He wrote a vehement and convincing paper on the subject, which he sent to Howells, to whom it appealed very strongly, for Howells was socialistic, in a sense, and Clemens made his appeal in the best and largest sense, dramatizing his conception in a picture that was to include, in one grand league, labor of whatever form, and, in the end, all mankind in a final millennium. Howells wrote that he had read the essay “with thrills amounting to yells of satisfaction,” and declared it to be the best thing yet said on the subject. The essay closed:

Mark Twain likely exaggerated his feelings quite a bit when he claimed in the Carlyle letter to be the most extreme of Sansculottes. It's doubtful he was ever truly radical and fiery in his views on anarchy. He always believed that cruelty should be punished quickly, whether it came from a king or a common person, and that tyrants should be overthrown. He supported the people against kings and favored the union of labor over the union of capital, though he addressed these issues objectively—not in a radical way. At that time, the Knights of Labor organization, which was quite powerful, seemed to Clemens like the answer for oppressed humanity. He wrote a passionate and persuasive piece on the topic and sent it to Howells, who was very much drawn to it because he had a somewhat socialistic view. Clemens framed his argument broadly, envisioning a picture that would unite all forms of labor and ultimately all of humanity in a final, peaceful world. Howells said he read the essay “with thrills amounting to yells of satisfaction” and called it the best thing said on the topic so far. The essay concluded:

    He [the unionized workman] is here and he will remain. He is the
    greatest birth of the greatest age the nations of the world have
    known. You cannot sneer at him—that time has gone by. He has
    before him the most righteous work that was ever given into the hand
    of man to do; and he will do it. Yes, he is here; and the question
    is not—as it has been heretofore during a thousand ages—What shall
    we do with him? For the first time in history we are relieved of
    the necessity of managing his affairs for him. He is not a broken
    dam this time—he is the Flood!
    He [the unionized worker] is here and he’s going to stay. He represents the greatest achievement of the greatest era the world has ever seen. You can’t look down on him—those days are over. He has ahead of him the most just work ever entrusted to humanity; and he will accomplish it. Yes, he’s here; and the question is not—like it has been for ages—What should we do with him? For the first time in history, we don’t have to manage his affairs for him. He’s not a broken dam this time—he’s the Flood!

It must have been about this time that Clemens developed an intense, even if a less permanent, interest in another matter which was to benefit the species. He was one day walking up Fifth Avenue when he noticed the sign,

It must have been around this time that Clemens got really interested, even if it wasn't a lasting interest, in something else that would help people. One day, he was walking up Fifth Avenue when he saw the sign,

                  PROFESSOR LOISETTE
                   SCHOOL OF MEMORY
           The Instantaneous Art of Never Forgetting
                  PROFESSOR LOISETTE
                   SCHOOL OF MEMORY
           The Quick Skill of Always Remembering

Clemens went inside. When he came out he had all of Professor Loisette's literature on “predicating correlation,” and for the next several days was steeping himself in an infusion of meaningless words and figures and sentences and forms, which he must learn backward and forward and diagonally, so that he could repeat them awake and asleep in order to predicate his correlation to a point where remembering the ordinary facts of life, such as names, addresses, and telephone numbers, would be a mere diversion.

Clemens went inside. When he came out, he had all of Professor Loisette's literature on “predicating correlation,” and for the next few days, he was immersing himself in a mix of meaningless words, numbers, sentences, and structures that he needed to memorize inside and out, so that he could recite them whether awake or asleep. This way, he could focus on his correlation to the point where remembering everyday facts like names, addresses, and phone numbers would feel like a breeze.

It was another case of learning the multitudinous details of the Mississippi River in order to do the apparently simple thing of steering a boat from New Orleans to St. Louis, and it is fair to say that, for the time he gave it, he achieved a like success. He was so enthusiastic over this new remedy for human distress that within a very brief time he was sending out a printed letter recommending Loisette to the public at large. Here is an extract:

It was yet another situation of figuring out the countless details of the Mississippi River just to do what seemed like a simple task of steering a boat from New Orleans to St. Louis, and it’s fair to say that, for the effort he put in, he had similar success. He was so excited about this new solution for human suffering that it wasn't long before he started sending out a printed letter promoting Loisette to the general public. Here is an extract:

   ... I had no SYSTEM—and some sort of rational order of
    procedure is, of course, necessary to success in any study. Well,
    Loisette furnished me a system. I cannot undertake to say it is the
    best, or the worst, because I don't know what the other systems are.
    Loisette, among other cruelties, requires you to memorize a great
    long string of words that haven't any apparent connection or
    meaning—there are perhaps 500 of these words, arranged in maniacal
    lines of 6 to 8 or 9 words in each line—71 lines in all. Of course
    your first impulse is to resign, but at the end of three or four
    hours you find to your surprise that you've GOT them and can deliver
    them backward or forward without mistake or hesitation. Now, don't
    you see what a world of confidence that must necessarily breed?
    —confidence in a memory which before you wouldn't even venture to
    trust with the Latin motto of the U. S. lest it mislay it and the
    country suffer.

    Loisette doesn't make memories, he furnishes confidence in memories
    that already exist. Isn't that valuable? Indeed it is to me.
    Whenever hereafter I shall choose to pack away a thing properly in
    that refrigerator I sha'n't be bothered with the aforetime doubts; I
    shall know I'm going to find it sound and sweet when I go for it
    again.
... I didn’t have a SYSTEM—and some kind of logical order is, of course, essential for success in any study. Well, Loisette provided me with a system. I can’t say if it’s the best or the worst because I don’t know what the other systems are. Loisette, among other challenges, makes you memorize a long list of words that don’t seem to have any connection or meaning—there are about 500 of these words, arranged in crazy lines of 6 to 8 or 9 words each—71 lines in total. Naturally, your first reaction is to give up, but after three or four hours, you’ll be surprised to find that you’ve actually GOT them and can recite them backward or forward without making mistakes or hesitating. Now, don’t you see how much confidence that must create? —confidence in a memory that you wouldn’t have even trusted with the Latin motto of the U.S. for fear of losing it and causing trouble for the country.

Loisette doesn’t create memories; he gives you confidence in the memories you already have. Isn’t that valuable? It certainly is to me. Whenever I choose to properly store something in that refrigerator, I won’t be troubled by previous doubts; I’ll know it’ll be in good condition when I go back for it.

Loisette naturally made the most of this advertising and flooded the public with Mark Twain testimonials. But presently Clemens decided that after all the system was not sufficiently simple to benefit the race at large. He recalled his printed letters and prevailed upon Loisette to suppress his circulars. Later he decided that the whole system was a humbug.

Loisette took full advantage of this promotion and overwhelmed the public with Mark Twain endorsements. However, Clemens soon realized that the system wasn’t simple enough to help everyone. He called back his printed letters and convinced Loisette to stop distributing his flyers. Eventually, he concluded that the entire system was a scam.





CLXIII. LETTER TO THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND

It was one day in 1887 that Clemens received evidence that his reputation as a successful author and publisher—a man of wealth and revenues—had penetrated even the dimness of the British Tax Offices. A formidable envelope came, inclosing a letter from his London publishers and a very large printed document all about the income tax which the Queen's officers had levied upon his English royalties as the result of a report that he had taken Buckenham Hall, Norwich, for a year, and was to become an English resident. The matter amused and interested him. To Chatto & Windus he wrote:

It was one day in 1887 that Clemens got proof that his reputation as a successful author and publisher—a wealthy man—had reached even the depths of the British Tax Offices. A hefty envelope arrived, containing a letter from his London publishers and a large printed document regarding the income tax that the Queen's officials had imposed on his English royalties due to a report that he had rented Buckenham Hall, Norwich, for a year and was planning to become a resident in England. He found the situation both amusing and intriguing. To Chatto & Windus he wrote:

    I will explain that all that about Buckenham Hall was an English
    newspaper's mistake. I was not in England, and if I had been I
    wouldn't have been at Buckenham Hall anyway, but Buckingham Palace,
    or I would have endeavored to have found out the reason why...

    But we won't resist. We'll pay as if I were really a resident. The
    country that allows me copyright has a right to tax me.
    I’ll clarify that all that about Buckenham Hall was a mistake by an English newspaper. I wasn’t in England, and if I had been, I wouldn’t have been at Buckenham Hall anyway, but at Buckingham Palace, or I would have tried to find out why...

    But we won’t resist. We’ll pay as if I were actually a resident. The country that grants me copyright has the right to tax me.

Reflecting on the matter, Clemens decided to make literature of it. He conceived the notion of writing an open letter to the Queen in the character of a rambling, garrulous, but well-disposed countryman whose idea was that her Majesty conducted all the business of the empire herself. He began:

Reflecting on the situation, Clemens decided to turn it into literature. He came up with the idea of writing an open letter to the Queen from the perspective of a chatty, talkative, but well-meaning countryman who believed that her Majesty handled all the empire's business by herself. He began:

                     HARTFORD, November 6, 1887.

    MADAM, You will remember that last May Mr. Edward Bright, the clerk
    of the Inland Revenue Office, wrote me about a tax which he said was
    due from me to the Government on books of mine published in London
    —that is to say, an income tax on the royalties. I do not know Mr.
    Bright, and it is embarrassing to me to correspond with strangers,
    for I was raised in the country and have always lived there, the
    early part in Marion County, Missouri, before the war, and this part
    in Hartford County, Connecticut, near Bloomfield and about 8 miles
    this side of Farmington, though some call it 9, which it is
    impossible to be, for I have walked it many and many a time in
    considerably under three hours, and General Hawley says he has done
    it in two and a quarter, which is not likely; so it has seemed best
    that I write your Majesty.
                     HARTFORD, November 6, 1887.

    MADAM, You may recall that last May, Mr. Edward Bright, the clerk of the Inland Revenue Office, wrote to me about a tax he claimed was owed by me to the Government on my books published in London—that is, an income tax on the royalties. I don’t know Mr. Bright, and it's awkward for me to communicate with strangers since I was raised in the country and have always lived there; first in Marion County, Missouri, before the war, and now in Hartford County, Connecticut, near Bloomfield and about 8 miles this side of Farmington, though some say it’s 9, which can’t be true because I have walked it many times in well under three hours. General Hawley claims he has done it in two and a quarter, which seems unlikely; so I thought it best to write to your Majesty.

The letter proceeded to explain that he had never met her Majesty personally, but that he once met her son, the Prince of Wales, in Oxford Street, at the head of a procession, while he himself was on the top of an omnibus. He thought the Prince would probably remember him on account of a gray coat with flap pockets which he wore, he being the only person on the omnibus who had on that kind of a coat.

The letter went on to say that he had never met her Majesty in person, but he once encountered her son, the Prince of Wales, on Oxford Street, at the front of a parade, while he was sitting on the top of a double-decker bus. He figured the Prince might remember him because of a gray coat with flap pockets that he was wearing, as he was the only one on the bus dressed that way.

“I remember him,” he said, “as easily as I would a comet.”

“I remember him,” he said, “as easily as I would a comet.”

He explained the difficulty he had in understanding under what heading he was taxed. There was a foot-note on the list which stated that he was taxed under “Schedule D, section 14.” He had turned to that place and found these three things: “Trades, Offices, Gas Works.” He did not regard authorship as a trade, and he had no office, so he did not consider that he was taxable under “Schedule D, section 14.” The letter concludes:

He explained how hard it was for him to understand why he was being taxed. There was a footnote on the list that said he was taxed under “Schedule D, section 14.” He looked that up and found three categories: “Trades, Offices, Gas Works.” He didn’t see authorship as a trade, and he didn’t have an office, so he didn’t think he should be taxed under “Schedule D, section 14.” The letter concludes:

    Having thus shown your Majesty that I am not taxable, but am the
    victim of the error of a clerk who mistakes the nature of my
    commerce, it only remains for me to beg that you will, of your
    justice, annul my letter that I spoke of, so that my publisher can
    keep back that tax money which, in the confusion and aberration
    caused by the Document, I ordered him to pay. You will not miss the
    sum, but this is a hard year for authors, and as for lectures I do
    not suppose your Majesty ever saw such a dull season.

    With always great and ever-increasing respect, I beg to sign myself
    your Majesty's servant to command,
                                MARK TWAIN.
    Her Majesty the Queen, London.
Having shown your Majesty that I’m not liable for taxes and that I’m just a victim of a clerk's mistake regarding my business, I now kindly request that you, in your fairness, cancel the letter I mentioned, so that my publisher can hold back that tax money which, due to the confusion caused by the Document, I mistakenly told him to pay. You won’t miss the amount, but it’s been a tough year for authors, and I doubt your Majesty has witnessed such a dull season for lectures.

With constant and growing respect, I remain your Majesty's servant,
                                MARK TWAIN.
    Her Majesty the Queen, London.

The letter, or “petition,” as it was called, was published in the Harper's Magazine “Drawer” (December, 1889), and is now included in the “Complete Works.” Taken as a whole it is one of the most exquisite of Mark Twain's minor humors. What other humorist could have refrained from hinting, at least, the inference suggested by the obvious “Gas Works”? Yet it was a subtler art to let his old, simple-minded countryman ignore that detail. The little skit was widely copied and reached the Queen herself in due time, and her son, Prince Edward, who never forgot its humor.

The letter, or “petition,” as it was called, was published in the Harper's Magazine “Drawer” (December, 1889), and is now included in the “Complete Works.” Overall, it's one of the most delightful of Mark Twain's minor humorous pieces. What other humorist could have resisted at least hinting at the implication suggested by the obvious “Gas Works”? Yet it was a more subtle skill to let his old, simple-minded countryman overlook that detail. This little skit was widely copied and eventually reached the Queen herself, along with her son, Prince Edward, who never forgot its humor.

Clemens read a notable paper that year before the Monday Evening Club. Its subject was “Consistency”—political consistency—and in it he took occasion to express himself pretty vigorously regarding the virtue of loyalty to party before principle, as exemplified in the Blaine-Cleveland campaign. It was in effect a scathing reply to those who, three years, before, had denounced Twichell and himself for standing by their convictions.—[ Characteristic paragraphs from this paper will be found under Appendix R, at the end of last volume.]

Clemens presented an important paper that year to the Monday Evening Club. The topic was "Consistency"—specifically, political consistency—and in it, he took the opportunity to express his strong views on the importance of loyalty to party over principles, as demonstrated in the Blaine-Cleveland campaign. Essentially, it was a sharp rebuttal to those who, three years earlier, had criticized Twichell and him for sticking to their beliefs.—[Characteristic paragraphs from this paper can be found in Appendix R, at the end of the last volume.]





CLXIV. SOME FURTHER ACCOUNT OF CHARLES L. WEBSTER & CO.

Flood-tide is a temporary condition, and the ebb in the business of Charles L. Webster & Co., though very deliberate, was not delayed in its beginning. Most of the books published—the early ones at least-were profitable. McClellan's memoirs paid, as did others of the war series.

Flood-tide is a temporary situation, and the decline in business for Charles L. Webster & Co., while intentional, started promptly. Most of the books published—the early ones, at least—were profitable. McClellan's memoirs were successful, as were others in the war series.

Even The Life of Pope Leo XIII. paid. What a statement to make, after all their magnificent dreams and preparations! It was published simultaneously in six languages. It was exploited in every conceivable fashion, and its aggregate sales fell far short of the number which the general agents had promised for their first orders. It was amazing, it was incredible, but, alas! it was true. The prospective Catholic purchaser had decided that the Pope's Life was not necessary to his salvation or even to his entertainment. Howells explains it, to his own satisfaction at least, when he says:

Even The Life of Pope Leo XIII was paid. What a statement to make after all their grand dreams and plans! It was published at the same time in six languages. It was promoted in every possible way, yet its total sales were nowhere near what the agents had promised for their initial orders. It was shocking, it was hard to believe, but, unfortunately, it was true. The potential Catholic buyer had concluded that the Pope's Life wasn’t essential for his salvation or even for his entertainment. Howells explains this, at least to his own satisfaction, when he says:

    We did not consider how often Catholics could not read, how often,
    when they could, they might not wish to read. The event proved
    that, whether they could read or not, the immeasurable majority did
    not wish to read The Life of the Pope, though it was written by a
    dignitary of the Church and issued to the world with sanction from
    the Vatican.
    We didn't think about how often Catholics couldn't read, or how often, when they could, they might not want to read. The situation showed that, whether they were able to read or not, the vast majority didn't want to read The Life of the Pope, even though it was written by a Church official and released to the world with approval from the Vatican.

Howells, of course, is referring to the laboring Catholic of that day. There are no Catholics of this day—no American Catholics, at least—who do not read, and money among them has become plentiful. Perhaps had the Pope's Life been issued in this new hour of enlightenment the tale of its success might have been less sadly told.

Howells is talking about the working-class Catholics of that time. There are no Catholics today—at least no American Catholics—who don’t read, and they have plenty of money now. Maybe if the Pope's Life had been published in this new age of understanding, the story of its success would have been less tragically told.

A variety of books followed. Henry Ward Beecher agreed to write an autobiography, but he died just when he was beginning the work, and the biography, which his family put together, brought only a moderate return. A book of Sandwich Islands tales and legends, by his Hawaiian Majesty King Kalakaua, edited by Clemens's old friend, Rollin M. Daggett, who had become United States minister to the islands, barely paid for the cost of manufacture, while a volume of reminiscences by General Hancock was still less fortunate. The running expenses of the business were heavy. On the strength of the Grant success Webster had moved into still larger quarters at No. 3 East Fifteenth Street, and had a ground floor for a salesroom. The force had become numerous and costly. It was necessary that a book should pay largely to maintain this pretentious establishment. A number of books were published at a heavy loss. Never mind their titles; we may forget them, with the name of the bookkeeper who presently embezzled thirty thousand dollars of the firm's money and returned but a trifling sum.

A variety of books followed. Henry Ward Beecher agreed to write an autobiography, but he died just as he was starting the work, and the biography that his family put together only brought in a modest return. A book of stories and legends from the Sandwich Islands, written by his Hawaiian Majesty King Kalakaua and edited by Clemens's old friend, Rollin M. Daggett, who had become the United States minister to the islands, barely covered the production costs, while a collection of memories by General Hancock did even worse. The ongoing expenses of the business were high. Relying on the success of the Grant book, Webster had moved into even bigger offices at No. 3 East Fifteenth Street and had a ground floor for a salesroom. The staff had become numerous and expensive. It was essential that a book made a significant profit to keep this extravagant establishment running. Several books were published at a substantial loss. Never mind their titles; we can forget them, along with the name of the bookkeeper who soon embezzled thirty thousand dollars from the firm and returned only a small amount.

By the end of 1887 there were three works in prospect on which great hopes were founded—'The Library of Humor', which Howells and Clark had edited; a personal memoir of General Sheridan's, and a Library of American Literature in ten volumes, compiled by Edmund Clarence Stedman and Ellen Mackay Hutchinson. It was believed these would restore the fortunes and the prestige of the firm. They were all excellent, attractive features. The Library of Humor was ably selected and contained two hundred choice drawings by Kemble. The Sheridan Memoir was finely written, and the public interest in it was bound to be general. The Library of American Literature was a collection of the best American writing, and seemed bound to appeal to every American reading-home. It was necessary to borrow most of the money required to build these books, for the profit made from the Grant Life and less fortunate ventures was pretty well exhausted. Clemens presently found a little drift of his notes accumulating at this bank and that—a disturbing condition, when he remembered it, for he was financing the typesetting machine by this time, and it was costing a pretty sum.

By the end of 1887, there were three promising projects that everyone had high hopes for—'The Library of Humor,' which Howells and Clark had edited; a personal memoir of General Sheridan; and a ten-volume Library of American Literature, compiled by Edmund Clarence Stedman and Ellen Mackay Hutchinson. It was thought these would revive the company's fortune and reputation. All of them were excellent and appealing. The Library of Humor was well-curated and included two hundred wonderful drawings by Kemble. The Sheridan Memoir was beautifully written, and there was bound to be widespread public interest in it. The Library of American Literature was a collection of the best American writing and seemed sure to resonate with every American household. They had to borrow most of the funds needed to publish these books since the profits from the Grant Life and other less successful projects were basically depleted. Clemens soon noticed a little accumulation of his notes at various banks—a troubling situation, especially since he was now financing the typesetting machine, which was costing a fair amount.

Meantime, Webster was no longer active in the management. In two years he had broken down from overwork, and was now desperately ill with an acute neuralgia that kept him away from the business most of the time. Its burdens had fallen upon his assistant, Fred J. Hall, a willing, capable young man, persevering and hopeful, lacking only years and experience. Hall worked like a beaver, and continually looked forward to success. He explained, with each month's report of affairs, just why the business had not prospered more during that particular month, and just why its profits would be greater during the next. Webster finally retired from the business altogether, and Hall was given a small partnership in the firm. He reduced expenses, worked desperately, pumping out the debts, and managed to keep the craft afloat.

In the meantime, Webster was no longer involved in management. After two years, he had collapsed from overwork and was now seriously ill with severe nerve pain that kept him away from the business most of the time. The responsibilities had fallen on his assistant, Fred J. Hall, a willing and capable young man who was determined and optimistic, but just needed more years and experience. Hall worked tirelessly and always looked forward to success. With each monthly report on the business, he explained why things hadn't gone better that month and why profits would be higher in the next. Eventually, Webster retired completely from the business, and Hall was given a small partnership in the firm. He cut costs, worked tirelessly to pay off the debts, and managed to keep the business afloat.

The Library of Humor, the Life of Sheridan, and The Library of American Literature all sold very well; not so well as had been hoped, but the sales yielded a fair profit. It was thought that if Clemens himself would furnish a new book now and then the business might regain something of its original standing.

The Library of Humor, the Life of Sheridan, and The Library of American Literature all sold pretty well; not as well as expected, but the sales still brought in a decent profit. It was believed that if Clemens himself would provide a new book every now and then, the business might regain some of its original status.

We may believe that Clemens had not been always patient, not always gentle, during this process of decline. He had differed with Webster, and occasionally had gone down and reconstructed things after his own notions. Once he wrote to Orion that he had suddenly awakened to find that there was no more system in the office than in a nursery without a nurse.

We might think that Clemens hadn't always been patient or gentle during this decline. He disagreed with Webster and sometimes went down to rearrange things according to his own ideas. Once, he told Orion that he had suddenly realized there was as much chaos in the office as there would be in a nursery without a caregiver.

“But,” he added, “I have spent a good deal of time there since, and reduced everything to exact order and system.”

“But,” he added, “I’ve spent a lot of time there since, and organized everything into exact order and system.”

Just what were the new features of order instituted it would be interesting to know. That the financial pressure was beginning to be felt even in the Clemens home is shown by a Christmas letter to Mrs. Moffett.

Just what the new features of order were is interesting to know. The financial strain was starting to be felt even in the Clemens household, as shown by a Christmas letter to Mrs. Moffett.

                     HARTFORD, December 18, 1887.
HARTFORD, December 18, 1887.

DEAR PAMELA,—Will you take this $15 & buy some candy or other trifle for yourself & Sam & his wife to remind you that we remember you?

DEAR PAMELA,—Will you take this $15 and buy some candy or something nice for yourself and Sam and his wife to remind you that we’re thinking of you?

If we weren't a little crowded this year by the type-setter I'd send a check large enough to buy a family Bible or some other useful thing like that. However, we go on & on, but the type-setter goes on forever—at $3,000 a month; which is much more satisfactory than was the case the first 17 months, when the bill only averaged $2,000, & promised to take a thousand years. We'll be through now in 3 or 4 months, I reckon, & then the strain will let up and we can breathe freely once more, whether success ensues or failure.

If we weren't a bit cramped this year by the typesetter, I'd send a check big enough to buy a family Bible or something useful like that. But we keep going, and the typesetter keeps going indefinitely—at $3,000 a month, which is much better than it was the first 17 months when the bill averaged only $2,000 and seemed like it would take a thousand years. I think we'll be done in 3 or 4 months, and then the pressure will ease up and we can breathe freely again, whether we succeed or fail.

Even with a type-setter on hand we ought not to be in the least scrimped-but it would take a long letter to explain why & who is to blame.

Even with a typesetter available, we shouldn't be stingy at all—but it would take a long letter to explain why and who is to blame.

All the family send love to all of you, & best Christmas wishes for your prosperity.

All the family sends love to all of you, and best Christmas wishes for your prosperity.

Affectionately, SAM.

Love, SAM.





CLXV. LETTERS, VISITS, AND VISITORS

There were many pleasanter things, to be sure. The farm life never failed with each returning summer; the winters brought gay company and fair occasions. Sir Henry and Lady Stanley, visiting America, were entertained in the Clemens home, and Clemens went on to Boston to introduce Stanley to his lecture audience. Charles Dickens's son, with his wife and daughter, followed a little later. An incident of their visit seems rather amusing now. There is a custom in England which requires the host to give the guest notice of bedtime by handing him a lighted candle. Mrs. Clemens knew of this custom, but did not have the courage to follow it in her own home, and the guests knew of no other way to relieve the situation; as a result, all sat up much later than usual. Eventually Clemens himself suggested that possibly the guests would like to retire.

There were certainly many nicer things. Farm life always had its charm every summer; winters brought lively company and great events. Sir Henry and Lady Stanley, who were visiting America, were hosted at the Clemens home, and Clemens traveled to Boston to introduce Stanley to his lecture audience. A little later, Charles Dickens's son, along with his wife and daughter, came for a visit. One amusing incident from their visit stands out now. In England, there's a custom where the host signals bedtime by handing the guest a lit candle. Mrs. Clemens was aware of this custom but didn't feel comfortable doing it in her own home, and the guests didn't know another way to ease the situation. As a result, they all stayed up much later than normal. Eventually, Clemens himself suggested that maybe the guests would like to turn in.

Robert Louis Stevenson came down from Saranac, and Clemens went in to visit him at his New York hotel, the St. Stevens, on East Eleventh Street. Stevenson had orders to sit in the sunshine as much as possible, and during the few days of their association he and Clemens would walk down to Washington Square and sit on one of the benches and talk. They discussed many things—philosophies, people, books; it seems a pity their talk could not have been preserved.

Robert Louis Stevenson came down from Saranac, and Clemens went to visit him at his New York hotel, the St. Stevens, on East Eleventh Street. Stevenson was advised to sit in the sunlight as much as he could, and during the few days they spent together, he and Clemens would walk down to Washington Square and sit on one of the benches to talk. They covered a lot of topics—philosophies, people, books; it's a shame their conversation couldn't have been recorded.

Stevenson was a great admirer of Mark Twain's work. He said that during a recent painting of his portrait he had insisted on reading Huck Finn aloud to the artist, a Frenchman, who had at first protested, and finally had fallen a complete victim to Huck's yarn. In one of Stevenson's letters to Clemens he wrote:

Stevenson was a big fan of Mark Twain's work. He mentioned that while having his portrait painted, he demanded that the artist, a Frenchman, read Huck Finn out loud, despite the artist initially objecting, he ultimately became totally captivated by Huck's story. In one of Stevenson's letters to Clemens, he wrote:

    My father, an old man, has been prevailed upon to read Roughing It
    (his usual amusement being found in theology), and after one evening
    spent with the book he declared: “I am frightened. It cannot be
    safe for a man at my time of life to laugh so much.”
 
    My dad, an elderly man, was convinced to read Roughing It (he usually finds entertainment in theology), and after spending one evening with the book, he said, “I’m scared. It can't be safe for someone my age to laugh this much.”

What heaps of letters, by the way, remain from this time, and how curious some of them are! Many of them are requests of one sort or another, chiefly for money—one woman asking for a single day's income, conservatively estimated at five thousand dollars. Clemens seldom answered an unwarranted letter; but at one time he began a series of unmailed answers—that is to say, answers in which he had let himself go merely to relieve his feelings and to restore his spiritual balance. He prepared an introduction for this series. In it he said:

What a pile of letters, by the way, are left from this time, and how interesting some of them are! Many of them are requests of various kinds, mostly for money—one woman asking for just one day's income, which she estimated at five thousand dollars. Clemens rarely replied to unsolicited letters; however, at one point he started a series of unmailed responses—that is, answers he wrote to vent his feelings and regain his emotional balance. He even wrote an introduction for this series. In it, he said:

   ... You receive a letter. You read it. It will be tolerably
    sure to produce one of three results: 1, pleasure; 2, displeasure;
    3, indifference. I do not need to say anything about Nos. 1 & 3;
    everybody knows what to do with those breeds of letters; it is breed
    No. 2 that I am after. It is the one that is loaded up with
    trouble.

    When you get an exasperating letter what happens? If you are young
    you answer it promptly, instantly—and mail the thing you have
    written. At forty what do you do? By that time you have found out
    that a letter written in a passion is a mistake in ninety-nine cases
    out of a hundred; that it usually wrongs two persons, and always
    wrongs one—yourself. You have grown weary of wronging yourself and
    repenting; so you manacle, you fetter, you log-chain the frantic
    impulse to write a pulverizing answer. You will wait a day or die.
    But in the mean time what do you do? Why, if it is about dinner-
    time, you sit at table in a deep abstraction all through the meal;
    you try to throw it off and help do the talking; you get a start
    three or four times, but conversation dies on your lips every time
    —your mind isn't on it; your heart isn't in it. You give up, and
    subside into a bottomless deep of silence, permanently; people must
    speak to you two or three times to get your attention, and then say
    it over again to make you understand. This kind of thing goes on
    all the rest of the evening; nobody can interest you in anything;
    you are useless, a depressing influence, a burden. You go to bed at
    last; but at three in the morning you are as wide awake as you were
    in the beginning. Thus we see what you have been doing for nine
    hours—on the outside. But what were you doing on the inside? You
    were writing letters—in your mind. And enjoying it, that is quite
    true; that is not to be denied. You have been flaying your
    correspondent alive with your incorporeal pen; you have been
    braining him, disemboweling him, carving him into little bits, and
    then—doing it all over again. For nine hours.

    It was wasted time, for you had no intention of putting any of this
    insanity on paper and mailing it. Yes, you know that, and confess
    it—but what were you to do? Where was your remedy? Will anybody
    contend that a man can say to such masterful anger as that, Go, and
    be obeyed?

    No, he cannot; that is certainly true. Well, then, what is he to
    do? I will explain by the suggestion contained in my opening
    paragraph. During the nine hours he has written as many as forty-
    seven furious letters—in his mind. If he had put just one of them
    on paper it would have brought him relief, saved him eight hours of
    trouble, and given him an hour's red-hot pleasure besides.

    He is not to mail this letter; he understands that, and so he can
    turn on the whole volume of his wrath; there is no harm. He is only
    writing it to get the bile out. So to speak, he is a volcano:
    imaging himself erupting does no good; he must open up his crater
    and pour out in reality his intolerable charge of lava if he would
    get relief.

    Before he has filled his first sheet sometimes the relief is there.
    He degenerates into good-nature from that point.

    Sometimes the load is so hot and so great that one writes as many as
    three letters before he gets down to a mailable one; a very angry
    one, a less angry one, and an argumentative one with hot embers in
    it here and there. He pigeonholes these and then does one of two
    things—dismisses the whole matter from his mind or writes the
    proper sort of letter and mails it.

    To this day I lose my balance and send an overwarm letter—or more
    frequently telegram—two or three times a year. But that is better
    than doing it a hundred times a year, as I used to do years ago.
    Perhaps I write about as many as ever, but I pigeonhole them. They
    ought not to be thrown away. Such a letter a year or so old is as
    good as a sermon to the maw who wrote it. It makes him feel small
    and shabby, but—well, that wears off. Any sermon does; but the
    sermon does some little good, anyway. An old cold letter like that
    makes you wonder how you could ever have got into such a rage about
    nothing.
... You get a letter. You read it. It’s likely to bring one of three responses: 1, pleasure; 2, displeasure; 3, indifference. I don’t need to say anything about numbers 1 & 3; everyone knows how to handle those kinds of letters; it’s number 2 that I’m focused on. That’s the one that comes packed with trouble.

When you receive an infuriating letter, what happens? If you’re young, you respond immediately and send off your reply without hesitation. But at forty, what do you do? By then, you’ve learned that writing a letter in anger is a mistake 99 times out of a hundred; it usually hurts two people and always hurts one—yourself. You get tired of hurting yourself and regretting it; so you restrain that frantic impulse to write a scathing response. You’ll wait a day or you’ll die. But in the meantime, what do you do? If it’s around dinnertime, you sit at the table lost in thought during the meal; you try to shake it off and join the conversation. You make attempts to engage but every time, the words die on your lips—your mind isn’t in it; your heart isn’t in it. You give up and sink into a deep silence; people have to speak to you a few times to get your attention, and then repeat themselves to help you understand. This kind of thing continues for the rest of the evening; no one can get you interested in anything; you’re useless, a downer, a burden. Eventually, you go to bed; but at three in the morning, you’re just as wide awake as when you started. So, we see what you’ve been doing for nine hours—on the outside. But what were you doing on the inside? You were writing letters—in your mind. And enjoying it, that’s absolutely true; there’s no denying it. You’ve been tearing your correspondent apart with your imaginary pen; you’ve been attacking him, dissecting him, shredding him into bits, and then doing it all over again. For nine hours.

It was wasted time, because you had no intention of putting any of this craziness on paper and sending it. Yes, you know that and admit it—but what could you do? Where was your solution? Can anyone really argue that a person can say to such overwhelming anger, “Go away,” and expect to be obeyed?

No, they can’t; that’s definitely true. So, what are they supposed to do? I’ll explain with the suggestion in my opening paragraph. During those nine hours, they’ve written as many as forty-seven furious letters—in their mind. If they had just written one of them down, it would have given them relief, saved them eight hours of trouble, and provided an hour of intense pleasure besides.

They’re not going to mail this letter; they understand that, so they can fully unleash their anger; there’s no harm. They’re just writing it to vent. To put it another way, they’re like a volcano: just imagining an eruption does nothing good; they need to actually open up and pour out their searing lava to find relief.

Sometimes, before they even finish their first page, the relief comes. They shift back into a good mood from that point on.

Sometimes the burden is so heavy that someone might write as many as three letters before they get to a version ready to send; one very angry, a less angry one, and then a reasonable one with hot sparks scattered throughout. They set these aside and then do one of two things—either let it go from their mind or write the right kind of letter and send it.

To this day, I still lose my composure and send an overly heated letter—or more often, a telegram—two or three times a year. But that’s better than sending them a hundred times a year like I used to years ago. Maybe I write about the same number as before, but I hold onto them. They shouldn’t be tossed away. A letter that’s a year old or so is like a sermon for the person who wrote it. It makes them feel small and ashamed, but—well, that feeling fades. Any sermon does; but the sermon still does some small good, anyway. An old cold letter like that makes you wonder how you could ever have gotten so worked up about nothing.

The unmailed answers that were to accompany this introduction were plentiful enough and generally of a fervent sort. One specimen will suffice. It was written to the chairman of a hospital committee.

The unmailed responses that were meant to go with this introduction were abundant and typically very passionate. One example will do. It was addressed to the chairman of a hospital committee.

    DEAR SIR,—If I were Smithfield I would certainly go out and get
    behind something and blush. According to your report, “the
    politicians are afraid to tax the people for the support” of so
    humane and necessary a thing as a hospital. And do your “people”
     propose to stand that?—at the hands of vermin officials whom the
    breath of their votes could blow out of official existence in a
    moment if they had the pluck to band themselves together and blow.
    Oh, come, these are not “people”—they are cowed school-boys with
    backbones made of boiled macaroni. If you are not misreporting
    those “people” you are just in the right business passing the
    mendicant hat for them. Dear sir, communities where anything like
    citizenship exists are accustomed to hide their shames, but here we
    have one proposing to get up a great “exposition” of its dishonor
    and advertise it all it can.

    It has been eleven years since I wrote anything for one of those
    graveyards called a “Fair paper,” and so I have doubtless lost the
    knack of it somewhat; still I have done the best I could for you.
DEAR SIR,—If I were Smithfield, I would definitely step up and take a stand. According to your report, “the politicians are scared to tax the people for the support” of something as compassionate and essential as a hospital. And do your “people” really plan to tolerate that?—from useless officials whose positions could be taken away in an instant if they had the courage to unite and take action. Oh, come on, these aren’t “people”—they’re timid schoolboys with spines made of boiled macaroni. If you're not misrepresenting those “people,” you're in just the right place begging for their support. Dear sir, communities where actual citizenship exists tend to hide their shame, but here we have one looking to organize a big “exposition” of its disgrace and promote it as much as possible.

It’s been eleven years since I wrote anything for one of those dull “Fair papers,” so I’ve probably lost the touch a bit; still, I’ve done my best for you.

This was from a burning heart and well deserved. One may almost regret that he did not send it.

This came from a passionate heart and was well earned. One might even wish he had sent it.

Once he received a letter intended for one Samuel Clements, of Elma, New York, announcing that the said Clements's pension had been allowed. But this was amusing. When Clemens had forwarded the notice to its proper destination he could not resist sending this comment to the commissioner at Washington:

Once he got a letter meant for one Samuel Clements, of Elma, New York, saying that Clements's pension had been approved. But this was funny. After Clemens sent the notice to the right place, he couldn’t help but send this comment to the commissioner in Washington:

    DEAR SIR,—I have not applied for a pension. I have often wanted a
    pension—often—ever so often—I may say, but in as much as the only
    military service I performed during the war was in the Confederate
    army, I have always felt a delicacy about asking you for it.
    However, since you have suggested the thing yourself, I feel
    strengthened. I haven't any very pensionable diseases myself, but I
    can furnish a substitute—a man who is just simply a chaos, a museum
    of all the different kinds of aches and pains, fractures,
    dislocations and malformations there are; a man who would regard
    “rheumatism and sore eyes” as mere recreation and refreshment after
    the serious occupations of his day. If you grant me the pension,
    dear sir, please hand it to General Jos. Hawley, United States
    Senator—I mean hand him the certificate, not the money, and he will
    forward it to me. You will observe by this postal-card which I
    inclose that he takes a friendly interest in the matter. He thinks
    I've already got the pension, whereas I've only got the rheumatism;
    but didn't want that—I had that before. I wish it were catching. I
    know a man that I would load up with it pretty early. Lord, but we
    all feel that way sometimes. I've seen the day when but never mind
    that; you may be busy; just hand it to Hawley—the certificate, you
    understand, is not transferable.
DEAR SIR,—I haven't applied for a pension. I've often thought about wanting one—often—so many times, really—but since the only military service I did during the war was with the Confederate army, I've always hesitated to ask you for it. However, now that you've brought it up yourself, I feel more confident. I don’t have any serious conditions myself, but I can refer you to someone—a guy who is just a total mess, a walking exhibit of every kind of ache, pain, fracture, dislocation, and deformity you can imagine; a guy who would see “rheumatism and sore eyes” as just a nice break in his day. If you grant me the pension, dear sir, please give it to General Jos. Hawley, United States Senator—I mean give him the certificate, not the money, and he’ll send it to me. You’ll see from the postcard I’m including that he’s taken a friendly interest in this. He thinks I’ve already got the pension, when in fact I’ve just got rheumatism, which I didn’t ask for—I’ve had that for a while. I wish it were contagious. I know someone I’d gladly share it with. We all feel that way sometimes. I remember days when, but never mind that; you may be busy; just give the certificate to Hawley—you understand, it’s not transferable.

Clemens was in good standing at Washington during the Cleveland administration, and many letters came, asking him to use his influence with the President to obtain this or that favor. He always declined, though once—a few years later, in Europe—when he learned that Frank Mason, consul-general at Frankfort, was about to be displaced, Clemens, of his own accord, wrote to Baby Ruth Cleveland about it.

Clemens had a solid reputation in Washington during the Cleveland administration, and he received many letters asking him to use his influence with the President to secure various favors. He always turned them down, except for one time—a few years later in Europe—when he heard that Frank Mason, the consul-general in Frankfort, was about to be replaced. Clemens, on his own initiative, wrote to Baby Ruth Cleveland about it.

    MY DEAR RUTH, I belong to the Mugwumps, and one of the most sacred
    rules of our order prevents us from asking favors of officials or
    recommending men to office, but there is no harm in writing a
    friendly letter to you and telling you that an infernal outrage is
    about to be committed by your father in turning out of office the
    best Consul I know (and I know a great many) just because he is a
    Republican and a Democrat wants his place.
    MY DEAR RUTH, I belong to the Mugwumps, and one of the most important rules of our group stops us from asking for favors from officials or recommending people for jobs. However, I think there’s nothing wrong with writing you a friendly letter to let you know that a terrible injustice is about to happen. Your father is planning to dismiss the best Consul I know (and I know many) simply because he is a Republican and a Democrat wants the position.

He went on to recall Mason's high and honorable record, suggesting that Miss Ruth take the matter into her own hands. Then he said:

He went on to remember Mason's impressive and honorable record, suggesting that Miss Ruth handle the situation herself. Then he said:

    I can't send any message to the President, but the next time you
    have a talk with him concerning such matters I wish you would tell
    him about Captain Mason and what I think of a Government that so
    treats its efficient officials.
    I can't send any message to the President, but the next time you
    talk to him about these issues, I wish you would tell him about Captain Mason and what I think of a government that treats its effective officials this way.

Just what form of appeal the small agent made is not recorded, but by and by Mark Twain received a tiny envelope, postmarked Washington, inclosing this note in President Cleveland's handwriting:

Just what kind of appeal the small agent made isn't documented, but eventually, Mark Twain got a small envelope, postmarked from Washington, containing this note in President Cleveland's handwriting:

    Miss Ruth Cleveland begs to acknowledge the receipt of Mr. Twain's
    letter and say that she took the liberty of reading it to the
    President, who desires her to thank Mr. Twain for her information,
    and to say to him that Captain Mason will not be disturbed in the
    Frankfort Consulate. The President also desires Miss Cleveland to
    say that if Mr. Twain knows of any other cases of this kind he will
    be greatly obliged if he will write him concerning them at his
    earliest convenience.
    Miss Ruth Cleveland would like to acknowledge the receipt of Mr. Twain's letter and mention that she took the liberty of reading it to the President, who asks her to thank Mr. Twain for the information and to let him know that Captain Mason will not be disturbed in the Frankfort Consulate. The President also asks Miss Cleveland to say that if Mr. Twain is aware of any other similar cases, he would greatly appreciate it if he could write to him about them at his earliest convenience.

Clemens immensely admired Grover Cleveland, also his young wife, and his visits to Washington were not infrequent. Mrs. Clemens was not always able to accompany him, and he has told us how once (it was his first visit after the President's marriage) she put a little note in the pocket of his evening waistcoat, which he would be sure to find when dressing, warning him about his deportment. Being presented to Mrs. Cleveland, he handed her a card on which he had written “He didn't,” and asked her to sign her name below those words. Mrs. Cleveland protested that she couldn't sign it unless she knew what it was he hadn't done; but he insisted, and she promised to sign if he would tell her immediately afterward all about it. She signed, and he handed her Mrs. Clemens's note, which was very brief. It said:

Clemens greatly admired Grover Cleveland and his young wife, and he often visited Washington. Mrs. Clemens couldn't always join him, and he shared how, during his first visit after the President's marriage, she slipped a little note into the pocket of his evening suit jacket, which he was sure to find while getting dressed, reminding him to behave himself. When he was introduced to Mrs. Cleveland, he gave her a card that said “He didn't,” and asked her to sign her name beneath it. Mrs. Cleveland objected, saying she couldn’t sign it unless she knew what he hadn’t done; but he persisted, and she agreed to sign if he would tell her all about it right afterward. She signed, and he handed her Mrs. Clemens’s brief note. It said:

“Don't wear your arctics in the White House.”

“Don’t wear your snow boots in the White House.”

Mrs. Cleveland summoned a messenger and had the card she had signed mailed at once to Mrs. Clemens at Hartford.

Mrs. Cleveland called for a messenger and had the card she signed sent immediately to Mrs. Clemens in Hartford.

He was not always so well provided against disaster. Once, without consulting his engagements, he agreed to assist Mrs. Cleveland at a dedication, only to find that he must write an apology later. In his letter he said:

He wasn’t always so prepared for disaster. Once, without checking his commitments, he agreed to help Mrs. Cleveland at a dedication, only to realize he’d have to write an apology later. In his letter, he said:

    I do not know how it is in the White House, but in this house of
    ours whenever the minor half of the administration tries to run
    itself without the help of the major half it gets aground.
    I don’t know how things are in the White House, but in our house, whenever the smaller part of the administration tries to operate without the support of the larger part, it runs into trouble.

He explained his position, and added:

He explained his point of view and added:

    I suppose the President often acts just like that; goes and makes an
    impossible promise, and you never find it out until it is next to
    impossible to break it up and set things straight again. Well, that
    is just our way exactly—one-half the administration always busy
    getting the family into trouble and the other half busy getting it
    out.
    I guess the President often behaves like that; makes an unrealistic promise, and you only realize it when it's nearly impossible to fix things and set them right again. Well, that's just how we operate—one half of the administration is always busy getting the family into trouble, and the other half is busy trying to get it out.




CLVXVI. A “PLAYER” AND A MASTER OF ARTS

One morning early in January Clemens received the following note:

              DALY'S THEATER, NEW YORK, January 2, 1888.

    Mr. Augustin Daly will be very much pleased to have Mr. S. L.
    Clemens meet Mr. Booth, Mr. Barrett, and Mr. Palmer and a few
    friends at lunch on Friday next, January 6th (at one o'clock in
    Delmonico's), to discuss the formation of a new club which it is
    thought will claim your (sic) interest.

    R. S. V. P.
              DALY'S THEATER, NEW YORK, January 2, 1888.

    Mr. Augustin Daly would be delighted to have Mr. S. L. Clemens meet Mr. Booth, Mr. Barrett, Mr. Palmer, and a few friends for lunch next Friday, January 6th (at one o'clock at Delmonico's), to discuss starting a new club that he thinks will capture your interest.

    R. S. V. P.

There were already in New York a variety of literary and artistic societies, such as The Kinsmen and Tile clubs, with which Clemens was more or less associated. It was proposed now to form a more comprehensive and pretentious organization—one that would include the various associated arts. The conception of this new club, which was to be called The Players, had grown out of a desire on the part of Edwin Booth to confer some enduring benefit upon the members of his profession. It had been discussed during a summer cruise on Mr. E. C. Benedict's steam-yacht by a little party which, besides the owner, consisted of Booth himself, Aldrich, Lawrence Barrett, William Bispham, and Laurence Hutton. Booth's original idea had been to endow some sort of an actors' home, but after due consideration this did not appear to be the best plan. Some one proposed a club, and Aldrich, with never-failing inspiration, suggested its name, The Players, which immediately impressed Booth and the others. It was then decided that members of all the kindred arts should be admitted, and this was the plan discussed and perfected at the Daly luncheon. The guests became charter members, and The Players became an incorporated fact early in January, 1888.—[Besides Mr. Booth himself, the charter members were: Lawrence Barrett, William Bispham, Samuel L. Clemens, Augustin Daly, Joseph F. Daly, John Drew, Henry Edwards, Laurence Hutton, Joseph Jefferson, John A. Lane, James Lewis, Brander Matthews, Stephen H. Olin, A. M. Palmer, and William T. Sherman.]—Booth purchased the fine old brownstone residence at 16 Gramercy Park, and had expensive alterations made under the directions of Stanford White to adapt it for club purposes. He bore the entire cost, furnished it from garret to cellar, gave it his books and pictures, his rare collections of every sort. Laurence Hutton, writing of it afterward, said:

There were already several literary and artistic societies in New York, like The Kinsmen and Tile clubs, that Clemens was somewhat connected to. The plan now was to create a bigger and more ambitious organization—one that would encompass various related arts. The idea for this new club, which would be called The Players, came from Edwin Booth's desire to provide some lasting benefit to the members of his profession. This was discussed during a summer cruise on Mr. E. C. Benedict's steam yacht by a small group that included Booth, Aldrich, Lawrence Barrett, William Bispham, and Laurence Hutton. Booth’s original thought was to establish some kind of actors’ home, but after careful consideration, that didn’t seem like the best approach. Someone suggested a club, and Aldrich, always full of inspiration, proposed the name The Players, which immediately resonated with Booth and the others. It was then decided that members from all related arts should be included, and this was the plan discussed and refined at the Daly luncheon. The guests became charter members, and The Players became an official organization early in January 1888.—[Besides Mr. Booth himself, the charter members were: Lawrence Barrett, William Bispham, Samuel L. Clemens, Augustin Daly, Joseph F. Daly, John Drew, Henry Edwards, Laurence Hutton, Joseph Jefferson, John A. Lane, James Lewis, Brander Matthews, Stephen H. Olin, A. M. Palmer, and William T. Sherman.]—Booth bought the beautiful old brownstone house at 16 Gramercy Park and made costly renovations under the guidance of Stanford White to transform it for club use. He covered all the expenses, furnished it from top to bottom, and donated his books, pictures, and his rare collections of all kinds. Laurence Hutton later wrote about it, saying:

And on the first Founder's Night, the 31st of December, 1888, he transferred it all to the association, a munificent gift; absolutely without parallel in its way. The pleasure it gave to Booth during the few remaining years of his life was very great. He made it his home. Next to his own immediate family it was his chief interest, care, and consolation. He nursed and petted it, as it nursed and petted and honored him. He died in it. And it is certainly his greatest monument.

And on the first Founder's Night, December 31, 1888, he gave everything to the association, a generous gift; completely unmatched in its significance. The joy it brought to Booth during the few years he had left was immense. He made it his home. Besides his own immediate family, it was his main interest, concern, and source of comfort. He nurtured and cared for it, just as it nurtured, cared for, and honored him. He passed away there. And it truly stands as his greatest monument.

There is no other club quite like The Players. The personality of Edwin Booth pervades it, and there is a spirit in its atmosphere not found in other large clubs—a spirit of unity, and ancient friendship, and mellowness which usually come only of small membership and long establishment. Mark Twain was always fond of The Players, and more than once made it his home. It is a true home, and its members are a genuine brotherhood.

There’s no club quite like The Players. The essence of Edwin Booth is everywhere, and there’s a vibe in the atmosphere that you don’t find in other big clubs—a sense of togetherness, long-standing friendships, and a warmth that typically comes from a smaller membership and a rich history. Mark Twain always loved The Players and made it his home more than once. It’s a real home, and its members genuinely feel like a brotherhood.

It was in June, 1888, that Yale College conferred upon Samuel Clemens the degree of Master of Arts. It was his first honor of this kind, and he was proud of it. To Charles Hopkins (“Charley”) Clark, who had been appointed to apprise him of the honor, he wrote:

It was June 1888 when Yale College awarded Samuel Clemens the degree of Master of Arts. It was his first honor of this kind, and he was proud of it. He wrote to Charles Hopkins (“Charley”) Clark, who had been chosen to inform him of the honor:

    I felt mighty proud of that degree; in fact I could squeeze the
    truth a little closer and say vain of it. And why shouldn't I be?
    I am the only literary animal of my particular subspecies who has
    ever been given a degree by any college in any age of the world as
    far as I know.
    I felt really proud of that degree; in fact, I could even say I was a bit vain about it. And why shouldn't I be? I am the only literary creature of my specific type who has ever received a degree from any college at any time in history, as far as I know.

To which Clark answered:

Clark replied:

    MY DEAR FRIEND, You are “the only literary animal of your particular
    subspecies” in existence, and you've no cause for humility in the
    fact. Yale has done herself at least as much credit as she has done
    you, and “don't you forget it.”
                                 C. H. C.
    MY DEAR FRIEND, You are “the only literary animal of your specific
    subspecies” in existence, and you have no reason to be humble about it. Yale has brought herself just as much honor as she has brought you, and “don’t you forget it.”
                                 C. H. C.

Clemens could not attend the alumni dinner, being at Elmira and unable to get away, but in an address he made at Yale College later in the year he thus freely expressed himself:

Clemens couldn’t make it to the alumni dinner because he was in Elmira and couldn’t break away, but in a speech he gave at Yale College later that year, he expressed his thoughts openly:

    I was sincerely proud and grateful to be made a Master of Arts by
    this great and venerable University, and I would have come last June
    to testify this feeling, as I do now testify it, but that the sudden
    and unexpected notice of the honor done me found me at a distance
    from home and unable to discharge that duty and enjoy that
    privilege.

    Along at first, say for the first month or so, I did not quite know
    how to proceed because of my not knowing just what authorities and
    privileges belonged to the title which had been granted me, but
    after that I consulted some students of Trinity—in Hartford—and
    they made everything clear to me. It was through them that I found
    out that my title made me head of the Governing Body of the
    University, and lodged in me very broad and severely responsible
    powers.

    I was told that it would be necessary to report to you at this time,
    and of course I comply, though I would have preferred to put it off
    till I could make a better showing; for indeed I have been so
    pertinaciously hindered and obstructed at every turn by the faculty
    that it would be difficult to prove that the University is really in
    any better shape now than it was when I first took charge. By
    advice, I turned my earliest attention to the Greek department. I
    told the Greek professor I had concluded to drop the use of Greek-
    written character because it is so hard to spell with, and so
    impossible to read after you get it spelt. Let us draw the curtain
    there. I saw by what followed that nothing but early neglect saved
    him from being a very profane man. I ordered the professor of
    mathematics to simplify the whole system, because the way it was I
    couldn't understand it, and I didn't want things going on in the
    college in what was practically a clandestine fashion. I told him
    to drop the conundrum system; it was not suited to the dignity of a
    college, which should deal in facts, not guesses and suppositions;
    we didn't want any more cases of if A and B stand at opposite poles
    of the earth's surface and C at the equator of Jupiter, at what
    variations of angle will the left limb of the moon appear to these
    different parties?—I said you just let that thing alone; it's
    plenty time to get in a sweat about it when it happens; as like as
    not it ain't going to do any harm, anyway. His reception of these
    instructions bordered on insubordination, insomuch that I felt
    obliged to take his number and report him. I found the astronomer
    of the University gadding around after comets and other such odds
    and ends—tramps and derelicts of the skies. I told him pretty
    plainly that we couldn't have that. I told him it was no economy to
    go on piling up and piling up raw material in the way of new stars
    and comets and asteroids that we couldn't ever have any use for till
    we had worked off the old stock. At bottom I don't really mind
    comets so much, but somehow I have always been down on asteroids.
    There is nothing mature about them; I wouldn't sit up nights the way
    that man does if I could get a basketful of them. He said it was
    the best line of goods he had; he said he could trade them to
    Rochester for comets, and trade the comets to Harvard for nebulae,
    and trade the nebulae to the Smithsonian for flint hatchets. I felt
    obliged to stop this thing on the spot; I said we couldn't have the
    University turned into an astronomical junk shop. And while I was
    at it I thought I might as well make the reform complete; the
    astronomer is extraordinarily mutinous, and so, with your approval,
    I will transfer him to the law department and put one of the law
    students in his place. A boy will be more biddable, more tractable,
    also cheaper. It is true he cannot be intrusted with important work
    at first, but he can comb the skies for nebulae till he gets his
    hand in. I have other changes in mind, but as they are in the
    nature of surprises I judge it politic to leave them unspecified at
    this time.
    I was truly proud and grateful to be awarded a Master of Arts by this great and respected University, and I intended to come last June to express this feeling, as I am doing now, but the sudden and unexpected announcement of the honor found me away from home, unable to fulfill that duty and enjoy that privilege.

    At first, for about the first month, I wasn't quite sure how to proceed because I didn't know what authorities and privileges came with the title I had been granted, but after that, I consulted some students from Trinity—in Hartford—and they clarified everything for me. It was through them that I discovered my title made me the head of the Governing Body of the University, giving me very broad and significant responsibilities.

    I was told that it would be necessary to report to you at this time, and of course I agree, although I would have preferred to wait until I could present a better case; indeed, I have been persistently hindered and blocked at every turn by the faculty, making it hard to demonstrate that the University is really in any better shape now than it was when I first took charge. Following advice, I focused my efforts on the Greek department first. I informed the Greek professor that I'd decided to stop using Greek script because it's so hard to spell with and completely unreadable once spelled out. Let's leave it at that. I could tell from what happened next that only a previous lack of attention saved him from being a rather inappropriate man. I instructed the mathematics professor to simplify the entire system because, honestly, I couldn't understand it, and I didn't want things happening in the college in a practically secretive manner. I told him to abandon the conundrum system; it wasn't appropriate for a college, which should deal in facts, not guesses and assumptions; we didn't need any more cases of if A and B are at opposite poles of the earth and C is at the equator of Jupiter, at what angles will the left side of the moon appear to these different parties?—I said just leave that alone; there's plenty of time to worry about it when it happens; most likely it won't cause any harm anyway. His response to these instructions was nearly insubordinate, so I felt compelled to take note of it and report him. I found the University astronomer wandering around after comets and other such oddities—like tramps and flotsam of the skies. I told him clearly that we couldn't allow that. I mentioned that it made no sense to keep accumulating raw materials in the form of new stars and comets and asteroids that we wouldn't have any use for until we dealt with the old stock. Honestly, I don't really mind comets, but I've always had an issue with asteroids. There's nothing appealing about them; I wouldn't stay up all night like that man does if I could get a whole bunch of them. He claimed it was the best inventory he had; he said he could trade them to Rochester for comets, trade the comets to Harvard for nebulae, and trade the nebulae to the Smithsonian for flint hatchets. I felt it necessary to stop this immediately; I said we couldn't turn the University into an astronomical junk shop. And while I was at it, I figured I might as well make the reform thorough; the astronomer is extremely rebellious, so, with your approval, I will transfer him to the law department and put one of the law students in his place. A student will be more compliant, more manageable, and also cheaper. It's true he can't be trusted with important work at first, but he can search the skies for nebulae until he gets the hang of it. I have other changes in mind, but since they are meant to be surprises, I think it's wise to keep them to myself for now.

Very likely it was in this new capacity, as the head of the governing body, that he wrote one morning to Clark advising him as to the misuse of a word in the Courant, though he thought it best to sign the communication with the names of certain learned friends, to give it weight with the public, as he afterward explained.

It was probably in this new role, as the leader of the governing body, that he wrote a letter to Clark one morning, warning him about the misuse of a word in the Courant. However, he thought it would be better to sign the letter with the names of a few knowledgeable friends to give it more credibility with the public, as he later explained.

    SIR,—The word “patricide” in your issue of this morning (telegrams)
    was an error. You meant it to describe the slayer of a father; you
    should have used “parricide” instead. Patricide merely means the
    killing of an Irishman—any Irishman, male or female.

           Respectfully,
                  J. HAMMOND TRUMBULL.
                  N. J. BURTON.
                  J. H. TWICHELL.
SIR,—The term “patricide” in your morning issue (telegrams) was incorrect. You intended it to refer to the killer of a father; you should have used “parricide” instead. Patricide only refers to the killing of an Irishman—any Irishman, male or female.

           Respectfully,
                  J. HAMMOND TRUMBULL.
                  N. J. BURTON.
                  J. H. TWICHELL.




CLXVII. NOTES AND LITERARY MATTERS

Clemens' note-books of this time are full of the vexations of his business ventures, figures, suggestions, and a hundred imagined combinations for betterment—these things intermingled with the usual bits of philosophy and reflections, and amusing reminders.

Clemens' notebooks from this time are filled with the frustrations of his business ventures, numbers, ideas, and countless imagined combinations for improvement—these things mixed in with the usual bits of philosophy, reflections, and entertaining reminders.

    Aldrich's man who painted the fat toads red, and naturalist chasing
    and trying to catch them.

    Man who lost his false teeth over Brooklyn Bridge when he was on his
    way to propose to a widow.

    One believes St. Simon and Benvenuto and partly believes the
    Margravine of Bayreuth. There are things in the confession of
    Rousseau which one must believe.

    What is biography? Unadorned romance. What is romance? Adorned
    biography. Adorn it less and it will be better than it is.

    If God is what people say there can be none in the universe so
    unhappy as he; for he sees unceasingly myriads of his creatures
    suffering unspeakable miseries, and, besides this, foresees all they
    are going to suffer during the remainder of their lives. One might
    well say “as unhappy as God.”
 
    Aldrich's guy who painted the fat toads red, and the naturalist chasing and trying to catch them.

    A man who lost his false teeth over the Brooklyn Bridge on his way to propose to a widow.

    One believes St. Simon and Benvenuto and somewhat believes the Margravine of Bayreuth. There are things in Rousseau's confession that must be believed.

    What is biography? Simple romance. What is romance? Elaborate biography. If you decorate it less, it will be better than it is.

    If God is what people say, then there can be no one in the universe as unhappy as he is; for he sees countless creatures endlessly suffering unimaginable pain, and on top of that, he foresees all they're going to endure for the rest of their lives. One might as well say “as unhappy as God.”

In spite of the financial complexities and the drain of the enterprises already in hand he did not fail to conceive others. He was deeply interested in Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress at the moment, and from photography and scenic effect he presaged a possibility to-day realized in the moving picture.

Despite the financial challenges and the strain of the current businesses, he still managed to come up with new ideas. He was really interested in Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress at the time, and through photography and visual effects, he foresaw a possibility that has now become a reality in today’s moving pictures.

      Dress up some good actors as Apollyon, Greatheart, etc., & the other
      Bunyan characters, take them to a wild gorge and photograph them—Valley
      of the Shadow of Death; to other effective places & photo them along
      with the scenery; to Paris, in their curious costumes, place them near the
      Arc de l'Etoile & photo them with the crowd-Vanity Fair; to Cairo,
      Venice, Jerusalem, & other places (twenty interesting cities) &
      always make them conspicuous in the curious foreign crowds by their
      costume. Take them to Zululand. It would take two or three years to do the
      photographing & cost $10,000; but this stereopticon panorama of
      Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress could be exhibited in all countries at the
      same time & would clear a fortune in a year. By & by I will do
      this.
    
      Dress up some talented actors as Apollyon, Greatheart, and other characters from Bunyan, take them to a wild gorge, and photograph them—Valley of the Shadow of Death; to other striking locations and capture them with the scenery; to Paris, in their unusual costumes, place them near the Arc de l'Etoile and photograph them with the crowd—Vanity Fair; to Cairo, Venice, Jerusalem, and other cities (twenty interesting cities) and always make them stand out in the diverse foreign crowds with their costumes. Take them to Zululand. It would take two or three years to complete the photography and cost $10,000; but this stereopticon panorama of Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress could be shown in all countries at the same time and would make a fortune in a year. Eventually, I will do this.
    If in 1891 I find myself not rich enough to carry out my scheme of
    buying Christopher Columbus's bones & burying them under the Statue
    of Liberty Enlightening the World I will give the idea to somebody
    who is rich enough.
    If in 1891 I’m not wealthy enough to execute my plan of buying Christopher Columbus's bones and burying them under the Statue of Liberty Enlightening the World, I’ll pass the idea on to someone who is wealthy enough.

Incidentally he did an occasional piece of literary work. Early in the year, with Brander Matthews, he instructed and entertained the public with a copyright controversy in the Princeton Review. Matthews would appear to have criticized the English copyright protection, or rather the lack of it, comparing it unfavorably with American conditions. Clemens, who had been amply protected in Great Britain, replied that America was in no position to criticize England; that if American authors suffered in England they had themselves to blame for not taking the proper trouble and precautions required by the English law, that is to say, “previous publication” on English soil. He declared that his own books had been as safe in England as at home since he had undertaken to comply with English requirements, and that Professor Matthews was altogether mistaken, both as to premise and conclusion.

By the way, he occasionally did some literary work. Early in the year, along with Brander Matthews, he engaged and informed the public with a copyright debate in the Princeton Review. It seemed that Matthews criticized English copyright protection, or the lack of it, comparing it unfavorably to American standards. Clemens, who had received solid protection in Great Britain, argued that America had no right to criticize England; that if American authors faced issues in England, they had only themselves to blame for not taking the necessary steps required by English law, such as “previous publication” on English soil. He stated that his own books had been just as safe in England as at home since he had made sure to follow English rules, and that Professor Matthews was completely wrong, both in his premise and conclusion.

“You are the very wrong-headedest person in America,” he said; “and you are injudicious.” And of the article: “I read it to the cat—well, I never saw a cat carry on so before.... The American author can go to Canada, spend three days there and come home with an English and American copyright as strong as if it had been built out of railroad iron.”

“You are the most stubborn person in America,” he said; “and you’re not very smart.” And about the article: “I read it to the cat—well, I’ve never seen a cat react like that before.... An American author can go to Canada, spend three days there, and come back with an English and American copyright as solid as if it had been made out of railroad iron.”

Matthews replied that not every one could go to Canada, any more than to Corinth. He said:

Matthews responded that not everyone could go to Canada, just like they couldn't go to Corinth. He said:

“It is not easy for a poor author who may chance to live in Florida or Texas, those noted homes of literature, to go to Canada.”

“It’s not easy for a struggling author who might live in Florida or Texas, those famous literary hubs, to travel to Canada.”

Clemens did not reply again; that is to say, he did not publish his reply. It was a capable bomb which he prepared, well furnished with amusing instance, sarcasm, and ridicule, but he did not use it. Perhaps he was afraid it would destroy his opponent, which would not do. In his heart he loved Matthews. He laid the deadly thing away and maintained a dignified reserve.

Clemens didn’t respond again; meaning he didn’t publish his reply. He had a powerful comeback ready, full of funny examples, sarcasm, and mockery, but he didn’t go for it. Maybe he feared it would completely crush his opponent, which wouldn’t be right. Deep down, he cared for Matthews. He put the lethal reply aside and kept a composed distance.

Clemens often felt called upon to criticize American institutions, but he was first to come to their defense, especially when the critic was an alien. When Matthew Arnold offered some strictures on America. Clemens covered a good many quires of paper with caustic replies. He even defended American newspapers, which he had himself more than once violently assailed for misreporting him and for other journalistic shortcomings, and he bitterly denounced every shaky British institution, touched upon every weak spot in hereditary rule. He did not print—not then—[An article on the American press, probably the best of those prepared at this time, was used, in part, in The American Claimant, as the paper read before the Mechanics' Club, by “Parker,” assistant editor of the 'Democrat'.]—he was writing mainly for relief—without success, however, for he only kindled the fires of his indignation. He was at Quarry Farm and he plunged into his neglected story—A Yankee in King Arthur's Court—and made his astonishing hero the mouthpiece of his doctrines. He worked with an inspiration and energy born of his ferocity. To Whitmore, near the end of the summer, he wrote:

Clemens often felt the need to criticize American institutions, but he was also the first to defend them, especially when the criticism came from an outsider. When Matthew Arnold made some harsh comments about America, Clemens filled several sheets of paper with sharp replies. He even defended American newspapers, which he had criticized himself for misreporting him and other journalistic flaws. He harshly criticized every wobbly British institution and pointed out every flaw in hereditary rule. He didn’t publish—not then—[An article on the American press, probably the best of those prepared at this time, was used, in part, in The American Claimant, as the paper read before the Mechanics' Club, by “Parker,” assistant editor of the 'Democrat'.]—he was mainly writing for relief—without success, however, as it only fueled his anger further. He was at Quarry Farm and threw himself into his neglected story—A Yankee in King Arthur's Court—and made his incredible hero the voice of his beliefs. He worked with a motivation and energy driven by his passion. To Whitmore, near the end of the summer, he wrote:

I've got 16 working-days left yet, and in that time I will add another 120,000 words to my book if I have luck.

I've got 16 workdays left, and in that time, I plan to add another 120,000 words to my book if I'm lucky.

In his memoranda of this time he says:

In his notes from this time, he says:

    There was never a throne which did not represent a crime. There is
    no throne to-day which does not represent a crime....
    There has never been a throne that didn't symbolize a crime. There's no throne today that doesn't symbolize a crime....
      Show me a lord and I will show you a man whom you couldn't tell from a
      journeyman shoemaker if he were stripped, and who, in all that is worth
      being, is the shoemaker's inferior; and in the shoemaker I will show you a
      dull animal, a poor-spirited insect; for there are enough of him to rise
      and chuck the lords and royalties into the sea where they belong, and he
      doesn't do it.
    
      Show me a lord, and I'll show you a man who wouldn't stand out from a regular shoemaker if you took away their clothes, and who, in everything that matters, is beneath the shoemaker; and in the shoemaker, I'll show you a dull creature, a weak-spirited insect; because there are enough like him to rise up and throw the lords and royals into the sea where they belong, and he doesn't do it.

But his violence waned, maybe, for he did not finish the Yankee in the sixteen days as planned. He brought the manuscript back to Hartford, but found it hard work there, owing to many interruptions. He went over to Twichell's and asked for a room where he might work in seclusion. They gave him a big upper chamber, but some repairs were going on below. From a letter written to Theodore Crane we gather that it was not altogether quiet.

But his aggression faded, maybe because he didn’t complete the Yankee in the sixteen days he had planned. He returned the manuscript to Hartford but found it challenging to work there due to numerous interruptions. He went over to Twichell’s and asked for a room where he could work in peace. They gave him a large upstairs room, but there were repairs happening below. From a letter written to Theodore Crane, we can tell that it wasn't completely quiet.

                     Friday, October 5, 1888.

    DEAR THEO, I am here in Twichell's house at work, with the noise of
    the children and an army of carpenters to help: Of course they don't
    help, but neither do they hinder. It's like a boiler factory for
    racket, and in nailing a wooden ceiling on to the room under me the
    hammering tickles my feet amazingly sometimes and jars my table a
    good deal, but I never am conscious of the racket at all, and I move
    my feet into positions of relief without knowing when I do it. I
    began here Monday morning, and have done eighty pages since. I was
    so tired last night that I thought I would lie abed and rest to-day;
    but I couldn't resist. I mean to try to knock off tomorrow, but
    it's doubtful if I do. I want to finish the day the machine
    finishes, and a week ago the closest calculations for that indicated
    Oct. 22—but experience teaches me that the calculations will miss
    fire as usual.

    The other day the children were projecting a purchase, Livy and I to
    furnish the money—a dollar and a half. Jean discouraged the idea.
    She said, “We haven't got any money. Children, if you would think,
    you would remember the machine isn't done.”

    It's billiards to-night. I wish you were here.

    With love to you both,                S. L. C.

    P. S. I got it all wrong. It wasn't the children, it was Marie.
    She wanted a box of blacking for the children's shoes. Jean
    reproved her and said, “Why, Marie, you mustn't ask for things now.
    The machine isn't done.”
 
                     Friday, October 5, 1888.

    DEAR THEO, I'm at Twichell's house working, with the noise of the kids and a bunch of carpenters around: Of course they don't help, but they don't get in the way either. It's like a factory with all the racket, and when they’re nailing a wooden ceiling on the room below me, the hammering sometimes tickles my feet and shakes my table quite a bit, but I hardly notice the noise at all, and I end up repositioning my feet for relief without even realizing it. I started here Monday morning and have written eighty pages since then. I was so tired last night that I thought about staying in bed and resting today; but I couldn't resist. I plan to try to wrap up tomorrow, but who knows if I will. I want to finish the day the machine finishes, and a week ago the closest estimates for that pointed to October 22—but experience tells me that the estimates will probably go off track as usual.

    The other day the kids were planning a purchase, with Livy and me providing the money—a dollar and a half. Jean shot down the idea. She said, “We don’t have any money. Kids, if you think about it, you’ll remember the machine isn’t finished.”

    It’s billiards tonight. I wish you were here.

    With love to you both,                S. L. C.

    P. S. I got it all wrong. It wasn't the kids, it was Marie. She wanted a box of blacking for the children's shoes. Jean told her, “Marie, you shouldn’t ask for things right now. The machine isn’t done.”

Neither the Yankee nor the machine was completed that fall, though returns from both were beginning to be badly needed. The financial pinch was not yet severe, but it was noticeable, and it did not relax.

Neither the Yankee nor the machine was finished that fall, although both were starting to be urgently needed. The financial strain wasn't severe yet, but it was noticeable and didn’t ease up.

A memorandum of this time tells of an anniversary given to Charles and Susan Warner in their own home. The guests assembled at the Clemens home, the Twichells among them, and slipped across to Warner's, entering through a window. Dinner was then announced to the Warners, who were sitting by their library fire. They came across the hall and opened the dining-room door, to be confronted by a table fully spread and lighted and an array of guests already seated.

A memo from that time describes an anniversary celebration for Charles and Susan Warner at their home. The guests gathered at the Clemens house, including the Twichells, and sneaked over to the Warners' place by climbing through a window. Dinner was then called for the Warners, who were sitting by the fire in their library. They walked across the hall and opened the dining room door, only to find a fully set and lit table with a group of guests already seated.





CLXVIII. INTRODUCING NYE AND RILEY AND OTHERS

It was the winter (1888-89) that the Bill Nye and James Whitcomb Riley entertainment combination set out on its travels. Mark Twain introduced them to their first Boston audience. Major J. B. Pond was exploiting Nye and Riley, and Clemens went on to Boston especially to hear them. Pond happened upon him in the lobby of the Parker House and insisted that nothing would do but he must introduce them. In his book of memories which he published later Pond wrote:

It was the winter of 1888-89 when the Bill Nye and James Whitcomb Riley entertainment duo began their tour. Mark Twain introduced them to their first audience in Boston. Major J. B. Pond was promoting Nye and Riley, and Clemens traveled to Boston specifically to see them. Pond ran into him in the lobby of the Parker House and insisted that he had to introduce them. In his memoirs published later, Pond wrote:

He replied that he believed I was his mortal enemy, and determined that he should never have an evening's enjoyment in my presence. He consented, however, and conducted his brother-humorist and the Hoosier poet to the platform. Mark's presence was a surprise to the audience, and when they recognized him the demonstration was tremendous. The audience rose in a body, and men and women shouted at the very top of their voices. Handkerchiefs waved, the organist even opened every forte key and pedal in the great organ, and the noise went on unabated for minutes. It took some time for the crowd to get down to listening, but when they did subside, as Mark stepped to the front, the silence was as impressive as the noise had been.

He replied that he thought I was his enemy and decided he wouldn't enjoy any evening in my company. Still, he agreed and led his fellow humorist and the Hoosier poet to the stage. Mark’s presence surprised the audience, and when they recognized him, the reaction was huge. The audience stood up, and both men and women shouted at the top of their lungs. Handkerchiefs waved, and the organist even played every loud key and pedal on the massive organ, and the noise went on for minutes. It took a while for the crowd to calm down enough to listen, but when they finally quieted down as Mark stepped to the front, the silence was just as powerful as the noise had been.

He presented the Nye-Riley pair as the Siamese Twins. “I saw them first,” he said, “a great many years ago, when Mr. Barnum had them, and they were just fresh from Siam. The ligature was their best hold then, but literature became their best hold later, when one of them committed an indiscretion, and they had to cut the old bond to accommodate the sheriff.”

He introduced the Nye-Riley pair as the Siamese Twins. “I saw them first,” he said, “many years ago, when Mr. Barnum had them, and they had just arrived from Siam. The ligature was their main connection then, but later, literature became their strong point when one of them made a mistake, and they had to sever the old bond to satisfy the sheriff.”

He continued this comic fancy, and the audience was in a proper frame of mind, when he had finished, to welcome the “Twins of Genius” who were to entertain them:

He kept up this comedic vibe, and the audience was in just the right mood to welcome the “Twins of Genius” who were set to entertain them:

Pond says:

Pond says:

It was a carnival of fun in every sense of the word. Bostonians will not have another such treat in this generation.

It was a fun carnival in every way possible. Bostonians won't have another experience like this in their lifetime.

Pond proposed to Clemens a regular tour with Nye and Riley. He wrote:

Pond suggested to Clemens that they should do a regular tour with Nye and Riley. He wrote:

    I will go partners with you, and I will buy Nye and Riley's time and
    give an entertainment something like the one we gave in Boston. Let
    it be announced that you will introduce the “Twins of Genius.”
     Ostensibly a pleasure trip for you. I will take one-third of the
    profits and you two-thirds. I can tell you it will be the biggest
    thing that can be brought before the American public.
I’ll team up with you, and I’ll buy Nye and Riley’s time and put on a show similar to the one we did in Boston. Let it be announced that you’ll be introducing the “Twins of Genius.” It’ll seem like a fun trip for you. I’ll take one-third of the profits, and you two-thirds. I can guarantee it’ll be the biggest event that can be presented to the American public.

But Clemens, badly as he was beginning to need the money, put this temptation behind him. His chief diversion these days was in gratuitous appearances. He had made up his mind not to read or lecture again for pay, but he seemed to take a peculiar enjoyment in doing these things as a benefaction. That he was beginning to need the money may have added a zest to the joy of his giving. He did not respond to all invitations; he could have been traveling constantly had he done so. He consulted with Mrs. Clemens and gave himself to the cause that seemed most worthy. In January Col. Richard Malcolm Johnston was billed to give a reading with Thomas Nelson Page in Baltimore. Page's wife fell ill and died, and Colonel Johnston, in extremity, wired Charles Dudley Warner to come in Page's place. Warner, unable to go, handed the invitation to Clemens, who promptly wired that he would come. They read to a packed house, and when the audience was gone and the returns had been counted an equal division of the profits was handed to each of the authors. Clemens pushed his share over to Johnston, saying:

But Clemens, as much as he really needed the money, set this temptation aside. These days, his main pastime was making free appearances. He had decided not to read or give lectures for payment anymore, but he seemed to find a strange pleasure in doing these things as a donation. The fact that he was starting to need the money might have added to the joy of his generosity. He didn’t accept every invitation he received; he could have been traveling non-stop if he had. He consulted with Mrs. Clemens and focused on the cause he felt was most deserving. In January, Col. Richard Malcolm Johnston was scheduled to give a reading with Thomas Nelson Page in Baltimore. Page's wife fell ill and passed away, and Colonel Johnston, in a tight spot, messaged Charles Dudley Warner to fill in for Page. Warner, unable to go, passed the invitation to Clemens, who quickly replied that he would attend. They performed to a full house, and when the audience left and the profits were counted, an equal split of the earnings was given to each author. Clemens pushed his share over to Johnston, saying:

“That's yours, Colonel. I'm not reading for money these days.”

“That's yours, Colonel. I'm not reading for cash these days.”

Colonel Johnston, to whom the sum was important, tried to thank him, but he only said:

Colonel Johnston, for whom the amount was significant, attempted to express his gratitude, but he just said:

“Never mind, Colonel, it only gave me pleasure to do you that little favor. You can pass it on some day.”

“It's no trouble, Colonel, I was happy to do that small favor for you. You can share it with someone else someday.”

As a matter of fact, hard put to it as he was for funds, Clemens at this time regarded himself as a potential multi-millionaire. The type-setting machine which for years had been sapping his financial strength was believed to be perfected, and ship-loads of money were waiting in the offing. However, we shall come to this later.

Actually, despite struggling for money, Clemens considered himself a potential multi-millionaire at that time. The typesetting machine that had drained his finances for years was thought to be perfected, and loads of cash were on the horizon. But we'll get into that later.

Clemens read for the cadets at West Point and for a variety of institutions and on many special occasions. He usually gave chapters from his Yankee, now soon to be finished, chapters generally beginning with the Yankee's impression of the curious country and its people, ending with the battle of the Sun-belt, when the Yankee and his fifty-four adherents were masters of England, with twenty-five thousand dead men lying about them. He gave this at West Point, including the chapter where the Yankee has organized a West Point of his own in King Arthur's reign.

Clemens read for the cadets at West Point and for various organizations on many special occasions. He typically shared chapters from his Yankee, which was almost finished, starting with the Yankee's thoughts on the peculiar country and its people, and concluding with the battle of the Sun-belt, where the Yankee and his fifty-four followers were in control of England, surrounded by twenty-five thousand dead men. He presented this material at West Point, including the chapter where the Yankee sets up his own version of West Point during King Arthur's time.

In April, '89, he made an address at a dinner given to a victorious baseball team returning from a tour of the world by way of the Sandwich Islands. He was on familiar ground there. His heart was in his words. He began:

In April '89, he gave a speech at a dinner honoring a victorious baseball team returning from a world tour, which included a stop in the Sandwich Islands. He felt at home there. His passion came through in his words. He started:

    I have been in the Sandwich Islands-twenty-three years ago—that
    peaceful land, that beautiful land, that far-off home of solitude,
    and soft idleness, and repose, and dreams, where life is one long
    slumberous Sabbath, the climate one long summer day, and the good
    that die experience no change, for they but fall asleep in one
    heaven and wake up in another. And these boys have played baseball
    there!—baseball, which is the very symbol, the outward and visible
    expression, of the drive and push and rush and struggle of the
    living, tearing, booming nineteenth, the mightiest of all the
    centuries!
I was in the Sandwich Islands—twenty-three years ago—that peaceful place, that beautiful land, that distant home of solitude, relaxation, and dreams, where life feels like one long, lazy Sunday, the climate like an endless summer day, and the good who die experience no change; they simply fall asleep in one heaven and wake up in another. And these boys have played baseball there!—baseball, which is the ultimate symbol, the clear and visible expression, of the drive, ambition, and hustle of the vibrant, booming nineteenth century, the greatest of all the centuries!

He told of the curious island habits for his hearers' amusement, but at the close the poetry of his memories once more possessed him:

He shared the island's quirky habits to entertain his listeners, but by the end, the poetry of his memories took hold of him again:

    Ah, well, it is refreshment to the jaded, it is water to the
    thirsty, to look upon men who have so lately breathed the soft air
    of those Isles of the Blest and had before their eyes the
    inextinguishable vision of their beauty. No alien land in all the
    earth has any deep, strong charm for me but that one; no other land
    could so longingly and so beseechingly haunt me, sleeping and
    waking, through half a lifetime, as that one has done. Other things
    leave me, but it abides; other things change, but it remains the
    same. For me its balmy airs are always blowing, its summer seas
    flashing in the sun; the pulsing of its surf is in my ear; I can see
    its garlanded crags, its leaping cascades, its plumy palms drowsing
    by the shore, its remote summits floating like islands above the
    cloud-rack; I can feel the spirit of its woody solitudes, I hear the
    plashing of the brooks; in my nostrils still lives the breath of
    flowers that perished twenty years ago.
Ah, well, it's refreshing to the weary, it's water to the thirsty, to see people who have recently breathed the gentle air of those Isles of the Blest and have had the lasting vision of their beauty in front of them. No other place on earth holds any deep, strong charm for me like that one; no other land has haunted me with such longing and urgency, both in my dreams and while awake, for half a lifetime as that one has. Other things fade away, but it stays; other things change, yet it remains constant. For me, its soothing breezes are always blowing, its summer seas sparkling in the sunlight; the rhythm of its waves is in my ears; I can picture its decorated cliffs, its cascading waterfalls, its feathery palms relaxing by the shore, its distant peaks floating like islands above the clouds; I can feel the spirit of its peaceful forests, I hear the gentle sound of the streams; the scent of flowers that faded twenty years ago still lingers in my nose.




CLXIX. THE COMING OF KIPLING

It was the summer of 1889 that Mark Twain first met Rudyard Kipling. Kipling was making his tour around the world, a young man wholly unheard of outside of India. He was writing letters home to an Indian journal, The Pioneer, and he came to Elmira especially to see Mark Twain. It was night when he arrived, and next morning some one at the hotel directed him to Quarry Farm. In a hired hack he made his way out through the suburbs, among the buzzing planing-mills and sash factories, and toiled up the long, dusty, roasting east hill, only to find that Mark Twain was at General Langdon's, in the city he had just left behind. Mrs. Crane and Susy Clemens were the only ones left at the farm, and they gave him a seat on the veranda and brought him glasses of water or cool milk while he refreshed them with his talk-talk which Mark Twain once said might be likened to footprints, so strong and definite was the impression which it left behind. He gave them his card, on which the address was Allahabad, and Susy preserved it on that account, because to her India was a fairyland, made up of magic, airy architecture, and dark mysteries. Clemens once dictated a memory of Kipling's visit.

It was the summer of 1889 when Mark Twain first met Rudyard Kipling. Kipling was on his world tour, a young man completely unknown outside of India. He was writing letters home to an Indian journal, The Pioneer, and specifically came to Elmira to see Mark Twain. He arrived at night, and the next morning someone at the hotel directed him to Quarry Farm. In a hired carriage, he made his way through the suburbs, past the buzzing planing mills and sash factories, and struggled up the long, dusty, hot east hill, only to find that Mark Twain was at General Langdon's in the city he had just left. Mrs. Crane and Susy Clemens were the only ones at the farm, and they offered him a seat on the veranda and brought him glasses of water or cool milk while he entertained them with his storytelling, which Mark Twain once said could be compared to footprints due to the strong and lasting impression it left. He gave them his card, which had Allahabad as the address, and Susy kept it because she saw India as a fairyland filled with magic, beautiful architecture, and dark mysteries. Clemens once recalled Kipling's visit.

    Kipling had written upon the card a compliment to me. This gave it
    an additional value in Susy's eyes, since, as a distinction, it was
    the next thing to being recognized by a denizen of the moon.

    Kipling came down that afternoon and spent a couple of hours with
    me, and at the end of that time I had surprised him as much as he
    had surprised me—and the honors were easy. I believed that he knew
    more than any person I had met before, and I knew that he knew that
    I knew less than any person he had met before—though he did not say
    it, and I was not expecting that he would. When he was gone Mrs.
    Langdon wanted to know about my visitor. I said:

    “He is a stranger to me, but he is a most remarkable man—and I am
    the other one. Between us we cover all knowledge; he knows all that
    can be known, and I know the rest.”

    He was a stranger to me and to all the world, and remained so for
    twelve months, then he became suddenly known, and universally known.
    From that day to this he has held this unique distinction—that of
    being the only living person, not head of a nation, whose voice is
    heard around the world the moment it drops a remark; the only such
    voice in existence that does not go by slow ship and rail, but
    always travels first-class—by cable.

    About a year after Kipling's visit in Elmira George Warner came into
    our library one morning in Hartford with a small book in his hand
    and asked me if I had ever heard of Rudyard Kipling. I said, “No.”

    He said I would hear of him very soon, and that the noise he was
    going to make would be loud and continuous. The little book was the
    Plain Tales, and he left it for me to read, saying it was charged
    with a new and inspiriting fragrance, and would blow a refreshing
    breath around the world that would revive the nations. A day or two
    later he brought a copy of the London World which had a sketch of
    Kipling in it, and a mention of the fact that he had traveled in the
    United States. According to this sketch he had passed through
    Elmira. This remark, with the additional fact that he hailed from
    India, attracted my attention—also Susy's. She went to her room
    and brought his card from its place in the frame of her mirror, and
    the Quarry Farm visitor stood identified.
Kipling had written a compliment to me on the card. This made it even more valuable in Susy's eyes, as it was almost as good as being recognized by someone from the moon.

Kipling came down that afternoon and spent a couple of hours with me, and by the end of that time, I had surprised him just as much as he had surprised me—and it was all even. I believed he knew more than anyone I had ever met, and I knew he knew I knew less than anyone he had ever met—though he didn’t say it, and I didn’t expect him to. After he left, Mrs. Langdon wanted to know about my visitor. I said:

“He is a stranger to me, but he is a truly remarkable man—and I’m the other one. Between us, we have all knowledge covered; he knows everything there is to know, and I know the rest.”

He was a stranger to me and to the world, and remained so for a year, then he suddenly became well-known, and known everywhere. Since that day, he has held a unique distinction—he is the only living person, not a head of state, whose voice is heard around the world the moment he makes a remark; the only voice that doesn’t travel slowly by ship or rail, but always travels first-class—by cable.

About a year after Kipling’s visit in Elmira, George Warner walked into our library one morning in Hartford with a small book in his hand and asked me if I’d ever heard of Rudyard Kipling. I said, “No.”

He told me I would hear about him very soon, and the noise he would make would be loud and nonstop. The little book was Plain Tales, and he left it for me to read, saying it was filled with a fresh and inspiring vibe that would spread a refreshing breeze around the world that would revive the nations. A day or two later, he brought a copy of the London World that had a sketch of Kipling in it, along with a mention that he had traveled in the United States. According to this sketch, he had passed through Elmira. This, along with the fact that he was from India, caught my attention—and Susy’s too. She went to her room, took his card out of the frame of her mirror, and identified the Quarry Farm visitor.

Kipling also has left an account of that visit. In his letter recording it he says:

Kipling also wrote about that visit. In his letter documenting it, he says:

    You are a contemptible lot over yonder. Some of you are
    Commissioners and some are Lieutenant-Governors, and some have the
    V. C., and a few are privileged to walk about the Mall arm in arm
    with the Viceroy; but I have seen Mark Twain this golden morning,
    have shaken his hand and smoked a cigar—no, two cigars—with him,
    and talked with him for more than two hours! Understand clearly
    that I do not despise you; indeed, I don't. I am only very sorry
    for you, from the Viceroy downward.

    A big, darkened drawing-room; a huge chair; a man with eyes, a mane
    of grizzled hair, a brown mustache covering a mouth as delicate as a
    woman's, a strong, square hand shaking mine, and the slowest,
    calmest, levelest voice in all the world saying:

    “Well, you think you owe me something, and you've come to tell me
    so. That's what I call squaring a debt handsomely.”

    “Piff!” from a cob-pipe (I always said that a Missouri meerschaum
    was the best smoking in the world), and behold! Mark Twain had
    curled himself up in the big arm-chair, and I was smoking
    reverently, as befits one in the presence of his superior.

    The thing that struck me first was that he was an elderly man; yet,
    after a minute's thought, I perceived that it was otherwise, and in
    five minutes, the eyes looking at me, I saw that the gray hair was
    an accident of the most trivial. He was quite young. I was shaking
    his hand. I was smoking his cigar, and I was hearing him talk—this
    man I had learned to love and admire fourteen thousand miles away.

    Reading his books, I had striven to get an idea of his personality,
    and all my preconceived notions were wrong and beneath the reality.
    Blessed is the man who finds no disillusion when he is brought face
    to face with a revered writer.
    You’re a pathetic bunch over there. Some of you are Commissioners, some are Lieutenant-Governors, and some have the V.C., with a few lucky enough to stroll around the Mall arm in arm with the Viceroy. But I met Mark Twain this beautiful morning, shook his hand, smoked a cigar—no, two cigars—with him, and talked for more than two hours! Let me make it clear: I don’t look down on you; in fact, I don’t. I just feel very sorry for you, from the Viceroy on down.

    A big, dark drawing room; a huge chair; a man with sharp eyes, a shock of grizzled hair, a brown mustache hiding a mouth as delicate as a woman's, a strong, square hand shaking mine, and the slowest, calmest voice saying:

    “Well, you think you owe me something, and you've come to say so. I call that settling a debt nicely.”

    “Piff!” from a cob-pipe (I’ve always said a Missouri meerschaum is the best smoking in the world), and look! Mark Twain had curled up in the big armchair, and I was smoking reverently, as one should in the presence of a superior.

    What hit me first was that he seemed like an older man; but after thinking about it for a minute, I realized that wasn’t quite right, and in five minutes, looking into his eyes, I noticed that the gray hair was just a trivial detail. He was actually quite young. I was shaking his hand. I was smoking his cigar, and I was hearing him speak—this man I had learned to love and admire from fourteen thousand miles away.

    Reading his books, I had tried to grasp his personality, and all my assumptions turned out to be wrong and far below the reality. Blessed is the person who finds no disillusionment when they finally meet a beloved author.

The meeting of those two men made the summer of '89 memorable in later years. But it was recalled sadly, too. Theodore Crane, who had been taken suddenly and dangerously ill the previous autumn, had a recurring attack and died July 3d. It was the first death in the immediate families for more than seventeen years. Mrs. Clemens, remembering that earlier period of sorrow, was depressed with forebodings.

The meeting of those two men made the summer of '89 unforgettable in later years. But it was remembered sadly, too. Theodore Crane, who had fallen suddenly and dangerously ill the previous autumn, had another attack and died on July 3rd. It was the first death in the immediate families in over seventeen years. Mrs. Clemens, recalling that earlier time of grief, was weighed down with worries.





CLXX. “THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER” ON THE STAGE

There was an unusual dramatic interest in the Clemens home that autumn. Abby Sage Richardson had dramatized 'The Prince and the Pauper', and Daniel Frohman had secured Elsie Leslie (Lyde) to take the double role of the Prince and Tom Canty. The rehearsals were going on, and the Clemens children were naturally a good deal excited over the outcome. Susy Clemens was inspired to write a play of her own—a pretty Greek fancy, called “The Triumph of Music,” and when it was given on Thanksgiving night, by herself, with Clara and Jean and Margaret Warner, it was really a lovely performance, and carried one back to the days when emotions were personified, and nymphs haunted the seclusions of Arcady. Clemens was proud of Susy's achievement, and deeply moved by it. He insisted on having the play repeated, and it was given again later in the year.

There was an unusual amount of drama at the Clemens home that autumn. Abby Sage Richardson had adapted 'The Prince and the Pauper,' and Daniel Frohman had cast Elsie Leslie (Lyde) to play both the Prince and Tom Canty. The rehearsals were underway, and the Clemens kids were understandably excited about how it would turn out. Susy Clemens felt inspired to write her own play—a beautiful Greek story called “The Triumph of Music.” When it was performed on Thanksgiving night, featuring herself with Clara, Jean, and Margaret Warner, it turned out to be a lovely show that took everyone back to a time when emotions were personified and nymphs roamed the peaceful lands of Arcadia. Clemens was proud of Susy's accomplishment and deeply touched by it. He insisted on having the play performed again, and it was staged once more later in the year.

Pretty Elsie Leslie became a favorite of the Clemens household. She was very young, and when she visited Hartford Jean and she were companions and romped together in the hay-loft. She was also a favorite of William Gillette. One day when Clemens and Gillette were together they decided to give the little girl a surprise—a unique one. They agreed to embroider a pair of slippers for her—to do the work themselves. Writing to her of it, Mark Twain said:

Pretty Elsie Leslie became a favorite in the Clemens household. She was really young, and when she visited Hartford, she and Jean played together in the hayloft. She was also a favorite of William Gillette. One day, when Clemens and Gillette were hanging out together, they decided to surprise the little girl with something special. They agreed to sew a pair of slippers for her themselves. Writing to her about it, Mark Twain said:

    Either one of us could have thought of a single slipper, but it took
    both of us to think of two slippers. In fact, one of us did think
    of one slipper, and then, quick as a flash, the other of the other
    one. It shows how wonderful the human mind is....

    Gillette embroidered his slipper with astonishing facility and
    splendor, but I have been a long time pulling through with mine.
    You see, it was my very first attempt at art, and I couldn't rightly
    get the hang of it along at first. And then I was so busy that I
    couldn't get a chance to work at it at home, and they wouldn't let
    me embroider on the cars; they said it made the other passengers
    afraid. They didn't like the light that flared into my eye when I
    had an inspiration. And even the most fair-minded people doubted me
    when I explained what it was I was making—especially brakemen.
    Brakemen always swore at it and carried on, the way ignorant people
    do about art. They wouldn't take my word that it was a slipper;
    they said they believed it was a snow-shoe that had some kind of
    disease.
    Either one of us could have come up with just one slipper, but it took both of us to think of two. In fact, one of us did think of a single slipper, and then, just like that, the other thought of the other one. It really shows how amazing the human mind is...

    Gillette decorated his slipper with incredible skill and style, but I've been struggling with mine for a long time. You see, it was my very first attempt at art, and I couldn't quite get the hang of it at first. Then I got so busy that I didn't have the chance to work on it at home, and they wouldn't let me embroider on the train; they said it scared the other passengers. They didn't like the bright light that blazed into my eyes when I had an idea. Even the most open-minded people doubted me when I explained what I was making—especially the brakemen. Brakemen always yelled about it and acted out, like ignorant people do about art. They wouldn't believe me when I said it was a slipper; they insisted it looked like a snowshoe with some kind of disease.

He went on to explain and elucidate the pattern of the slipper, and how Dr. Root had come in and insisted on taking a hand in it, and how beautiful it was to see him sit there and tell Mrs. Clemens what had been happening while they were away during the summer, holding the slipper up toward the end of his nose, imagining the canvas was a “subject” with a scalp-wound, working with a “lovely surgical stitch,” never hesitating a moment in his talk except to say “Ouch!” when he stuck himself with the needle.

He explained the design of the slipper, talked about how Dr. Root came in and wanted to get involved, and how great it was to watch him sit there and tell Mrs. Clemens what had been going on while they were away for the summer. He held the slipper up to the tip of his nose, imagining the fabric was a “subject” with a scalp wound, working with a “nice surgical stitch,” only pausing in his speech to say “Ouch!” when he accidentally pricked himself with the needle.

    Take the slippers and wear them next your heart, Elsie dear; for
    every stitch in them is a testimony of the affection which two of
    your loyalest friends bear you. Every single stitch cost us blood.
    I've got twice as many pores in me now as I used to have; and you
    would never believe how many places you can stick a needle in
    yourself until you go into the embroidery line and devote yourself
    to art.

    Do not wear these slippers in public, dear; it would only excite
    envy; and, as like as not, somebody would try to shoot you.

    Merely use them to assist you in remembering that among the many,
    many people who think all the world of you is your friend,

                            MARK TWAIN.
Take the slippers and wear them close to your heart, dear Elsie; because every stitch in them shows the love from two of your most loyal friends. Each and every stitch cost us dearly. I have twice as many holes in me now as I used to; you wouldn't believe how many places you can poke a needle into yourself until you get into embroidery and dedicate yourself to art.

Please don't wear these slippers in public, dear; it would only stir up jealousy, and someone might just try to harm you.

Just use them as a reminder that among the countless people who think the world of you is your friend,

                            MARK TWAIN.

The play of “The Prince and the Pauper,” dramatized by Mrs. Richardson and arranged for the stage by David Belasco, was produced at the Park Theater, Philadelphia, on Christmas Eve. It was a success, but not a lavish one. The play was well written and staged, and Elsie Leslie was charming enough in her parts, but in the duality lay the difficulty. The strongest scenes in the story had to be omitted when one performer played both Tom Canty and the little Prince. The play came to New York—to the Broadway Theater—and was well received. On the opening night there Mark Twain made a speech, in which he said that the presentation of “The Prince and the Pauper” realized a dream which fifteen years before had possessed him all through a long down-town tramp, amid the crowds and confusion of Broadway. In Elsie Leslie, he said, he had found the embodiment of his dream, and to her he offered homage as the only prince clothed in a divine right which was not rags and sham—the divine right of an inborn supremacy in art.

The play "The Prince and the Pauper," adapted by Mrs. Richardson and staged by David Belasco, premiered at the Park Theater in Philadelphia on Christmas Eve. It was successful, though not extravagant. The play was well written and performed, with Elsie Leslie delivering a charming performance, but the challenge lay in the dual roles. The most powerful scenes had to be left out because one actress played both Tom Canty and the little Prince. The play later moved to New York at the Broadway Theater and was well received. On opening night, Mark Twain gave a speech where he expressed that the presentation of "The Prince and the Pauper" fulfilled a dream he had nurtured for fifteen years while wandering through the bustling streets of Broadway. He stated that in Elsie Leslie, he found the realization of his dream and paid tribute to her as the only prince adorned not in rags and pretense, but in the true, innate excellence of art.

It seems incredible to-day that, realizing the play's possibilities as Mark Twain did, and as Belasco and Daniel Frohman must have done, they did not complete their partial triumph by finding another child actress to take the part of Tom Canty. Clemens urged and pleaded with them, but perhaps the undertaking seemed too difficult—at all events they did not find the little beggar king. Then legal complications developed. Edward House, to whom Clemens had once given a permission to attempt a dramatization of the play, suddenly appeared with a demand for recognition, backed by a lawsuit against all those who had a proprietary interest in the production. House, with his adopted Japanese daughter Koto, during a period of rheumatism and financial depression, had made a prolonged visit in the Clemens home and originally undertook the dramatization as a sort of return for hospitality. He appears not to have completed it and to have made no arrangement for its production or to have taken any definite step until Mrs. Richardson's play was profitably put on; whereupon his suit and injunction.

It seems hard to believe today that, understanding the play's potential like Mark Twain did, and as Belasco and Daniel Frohman must have also seen, they didn't finish their partial success by finding another child actress to play Tom Canty. Clemens pushed and begged them to do so, but maybe the task seemed too challenging—regardless, they didn't find the little beggar king. Then legal issues arose. Edward House, to whom Clemens had once granted permission to try to adapt the play, suddenly came forward with a demand for recognition, backed by a lawsuit against everyone involved in the production. House, along with his adopted Japanese daughter Koto, had spent a long time at the Clemens home during a rough period of rheumatism and financial trouble and originally took on the adaptation as a way to repay their hospitality. It seems that he didn't finish it and made no plans for its production or take any concrete action until Mrs. Richardson's play was successfully staged; then came his lawsuit and injunction.

By the time a settlement of this claim had been reached the play had run its course, and it was not revived in that form. It was brought out in England, where it was fairly prosperous, though it seems not to have been long continued. Variously reconstructed, it has occasionally been played since, and always, when the parts of Tom Canty and the Prince were separate, with great success. Why this beautiful drama should ever be absent from the boards is one of the unexplainable things. It is a play for all times and seasons, the difficulty of obtaining suitable “twin” interpreters for the characters of the Prince and the Pauper being its only drawback.

By the time a settlement for this claim was reached, the play had already finished its run, and it wasn’t staged again in that form. It was performed in England, where it did reasonably well, though it seems it didn’t last long. It has been adapted in various ways and has been performed occasionally since, especially when the roles of Tom Canty and the Prince were played separately, with great success. Why this beautiful drama is ever absent from the stage remains a mystery. It's a play for all times and seasons, with the only downside being the challenge of finding suitable "twin" actors for the roles of the Prince and the Pauper.





CLXXI. “A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT”

From every point of view it seemed necessary to make the 'Yankee in King Arthur's Court' an important and pretentious publication. It was Mark Twain's first book after a silence of five years; it was a book badly needed by his publishing business with which to maintain its prestige and profit; it was a book which was to come out of his maturity and present his deductions, as to humanity at large and kings in particular, to a waiting public. It was determined to spare no expense on the manufacture, also that its illustrations must be of a sort to illuminate and, indeed, to elaborate the text. Clemens had admired some pictures made by Daniel Carter (“Dan”) Beard for a Chinese story in the Cosmopolitan, and made up his mind that Beard was the man for the Yankee. The manuscript was sent to Beard, who met Clemens a little later in the office of Webster & Co. to discuss the matter. Clemens said:

From every angle, it seemed essential to make 'A Yankee in King Arthur's Court' a significant and impressive publication. This was Mark Twain's first book after a five-year hiatus; it was a book that his publishing company desperately needed to uphold its reputation and profits; it was a book meant to emerge from his maturity and share his insights about humanity in general and kings in particular with an eager audience. They were determined to spare no expense in its production and decided that the illustrations should enhance and complement the text. Clemens had liked some illustrations by Daniel Carter (“Dan”) Beard for a Chinese story in Cosmopolitan and decided Beard was the right choice for the Yankee. The manuscript was sent to Beard, who later met Clemens in the offices of Webster & Co. to discuss the project. Clemens said:

“Mr. Beard, I do not want to subject you to any undue suffering, but I wish you would read the book before you make the pictures.”

“Mr. Beard, I don’t want to put you through any unnecessary trouble, but I really wish you would read the book before you create the pictures.”

Beard replied that he had already read it twice.

Beard said he had already read it twice.

“Very good,” Clemens said; “but I wasn't led to suppose that that was the usual custom among illustrators, judging from some results I have seen. You know,” he went on, “this Yankee of mine has neither the refinement nor the weakness of a college education; he is a perfect ignoramus; he is boss of a machine shop; he can build a locomotive or a Colt's revolver, he can put up and run a telegraph line, but he's an ignoramus, nevertheless. I am not going to tell you what to draw. If a man comes to me and says, 'Mr. Clemens, I want you to write me a story,' I'll write it for him; but if he undertakes to tell me what to write I'll say, 'Go hire a typewriter.'”

“Very good,” Clemens said; “but I wasn't led to believe that this was the usual practice among illustrators, considering some results I've seen. You know,” he continued, “this Yankee of mine lacks both the refinement and the drawbacks of a college education; he's a complete ignoramus; he runs a machine shop; he can build a locomotive or a Colt's revolver, he can set up and operate a telegraph line, but he's still an ignoramus. I'm not going to tell you what to draw. If someone comes to me and says, 'Mr. Clemens, I want you to write me a story,' I'll write it for him; but if he tries to tell me what to write, I'll say, 'Go hire a typewriter.'”

To Hall a few days later he wrote:

To Hall a few days later, he wrote:

    Tell Beard to obey his own inspirations, and when he sees a picture
    in his mind put that picture on paper, be it humorous or be it
    serious. I want his genius to be wholly unhampered. I sha'n't have
    any fear as to results.
Tell Beard to follow his own inspirations, and when he imagines a picture in his mind, put that picture on paper, whether it's funny or serious. I want his creativity to be completely unrestricted. I won't worry about the results.

Without going further it is proper to say here that the pictures in the first edition of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court justified the author's faith in the artist of his selection. They are far and away Dan Beard's best work. The socialism of the text strongly appealed to him. Beard himself had socialistic tendencies, and the work inspired him to his highest flights of fancy and to the acme of his technic. Clemens examined the pictures from time to time, and once was moved to write:

Without going further, it's appropriate to say here that the illustrations in the first edition of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court validated the author's trust in the artist he chose. They are clearly Dan Beard's best work. The socialism of the text strongly resonated with him. Beard himself had socialistic leanings, and the work inspired him to reach his most imaginative heights and perfect his technique. Clemens reviewed the illustrations periodically and once felt compelled to write:

    My pleasure in them is as strong and as fresh as ever. I do not
    know of any quality they lack. Grace, dignity, poetry, spirit,
    imagination, these enrich them and make them charming and beautiful;
    and wherever humor appears it is high and fine—easy, unforced, kept
    under, masterly, and delicious.
    My enjoyment of them is just as strong and fresh as ever. I don’t know of any quality they're missing. Grace, dignity, poetry, spirit, imagination—these enhance them and make them delightful and beautiful; and whenever humor shows up, it’s top-notch—easy, natural, subtle, skillful, and delightful.

He went on to describe his appreciation in detail, and when the drawings were complete he wrote again:

He continued to express his appreciation in detail, and when the drawings were finished, he wrote again:

    Hold me under permanent obligations. What luck it was to find you!
    There are hundreds of artists who could illustrate any other book of
    mine, but there was only one who could illustrate this one. Yes, it
    was a fortunate hour that I went netting for lightning-bugs and
    caught a meteor. Live forever!
    Hold me to lasting commitments. What a stroke of luck it was to find you!
    There are countless artists who could illustrate any of my other books, but there was only one who could illustrate this one. Yes, it was a lucky moment when I went out to catch fireflies and ended up catching a meteor. Live forever!

This was not too much praise. Beard realized the last shade of the author's allegorical intent and portrayed it with a hundred accents which the average reader would otherwise be likely to miss.

This wasn't excessive praise. Beard understood the final nuance of the author's allegorical purpose and captured it with a multitude of tones that the average reader would likely overlook.

Clemens submitted his manuscript to Howells and to Stedman, and he read portions of it, at least, to Mrs. Clemens, whose eyes were troubling her so that she could not read for herself. Stedman suggested certain eliminations, but, on the whole, would seem to have approved of the book. Howells was enthusiastic. It appealed to him as it had appealed to Beard. Its sociology and its socialism seemed to him the final word that could be said on those subjects. When he had partly finished it he wrote:

Clemens sent his manuscript to Howells and Stedman, and he read parts of it to Mrs. Clemens, who was having trouble with her eyes and couldn’t read on her own. Stedman recommended some cuts, but overall, he seemed to like the book. Howells was excited about it. It resonated with him just like it had with Beard. He believed its take on sociology and socialism was the definitive statement on those topics. When he had nearly finished it, he wrote:

    It's a mighty great book and it makes my heart, burn with wrath. It
    seems that God didn't forget to put a soul in you. He shuts most
    literary men off with a brain, merely.
    It's a really great book and it makes my heart burn with anger. It seems that God didn't forget to give you a soul. He only gives most writers a brain.

A few days later he wrote again:

A few days later, he wrote again:

    The book is glorious-simply noble. What masses of virgin truth
    never touched in print before!
    The book is amazing—truly impressive. What a wealth of new insights
    that have never been published before!

And when he had finished it:

And when he was done with it:

    Last night I read your last chapter. As Stedman says of the whole
    book, it's titanic.
Last night I read your final chapter. As Stedman says about the entire book, it's epic.

Clemens declared, in one of his replies to Howells:

Clemens stated in one of his responses to Howells:

    I'm not writing for those parties who miscall themselves critics,
    and I don't care to have them paw the book at all. It's my swan
    song, my retirement from literature permanently, and I wish to pass
    to the cemetery unclodded.... Well, my book is written—let
    it go, but if it were only to write over again there wouldn't be so
    many things left out. They burn in me; they keep multiplying and
    multiplying, but now they can't ever be said; and besides they would
    require a library—and a pen warmed up in hell.
I'm not writing for those who mistakenly call themselves critics, and I really don’t want them to handle the book at all. This is my final work, my exit from literature for good, and I want to leave this world without any fuss.... Well, my book is done—let it be, but if I had to write it all over again, there wouldn’t be so many things I left out. They burn inside me; they just keep increasing and increasing, but now they can never be expressed; besides, it would require a whole library—and a pen heated in hell.

In another letter of this time to Sylvester Baxter, apropos of the tumbling Brazilian throne, he wrote:

In another letter from this time to Sylvester Baxter, regarding the falling Brazilian throne, he wrote:

    When our great brethren, the disenslaved Brazilians, frame their
    declaration of independence I hope they will insert this missing
    link: “We hold these truths to be self-evident—that all monarchs
    are usurpers and descendants of usurpers, for the reason that no
    throne was ever set up in this world by the will, freely exercised,
    of the only body possessing the legitimate right to set it up—the
    numerical mass of the nation.”
 
    When our fellow countrymen, the freed Brazilians, create their declaration of independence, I hope they will include this important point: “We hold these truths to be obvious—that all monarchs are usurpers and descendants of usurpers, because no throne was ever established in this world by the genuine will of the only body that has the rightful authority to establish it—the people of the nation.”

He was full of it, as he had been all along, and 'A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court' is nothing less than a brief for human rights and human privileges. That is what it is, and it is a pity that it should be more than that. It is a pity that he should have been beset by his old demon of the burlesque, and that no one should have had the wisdom or the strength to bring it under control.

He was full of himself, as he always had been, and 'A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court' is basically a manifesto for human rights and privileges. That's what it is, and it's a shame that it should be anything more than that. It's unfortunate that he was troubled by his old tendency for burlesque, and that no one had the insight or strength to rein it in.

There is nothing more charming in any of Mark Twain's work than his introductory chapter, nothing more delightful than the armoring of the Yankee and the outset and the wandering with Alisande. There is nothing more powerful or inspiring than his splendid panoramic picture—of the King learning mercy through his own degradation, his daily intercourse with a band of manacled slaves; nothing more fiercely moving than that fearful incident of the woman burned to warm those freezing chattels, or than the great gallows scene, where the priest speaks for the young mother about to pay the death penalty for having stolen a halfpenny's worth, that her baby might have bread. Such things as these must save the book from oblivion; but alas! its greater appeal is marred almost to ruin by coarse and extravagant burlesque, which destroys illusion and antagonizes the reader often at the very moment when the tale should fill him with a holy fire of a righteous wrath against wrong. As an example of Mark Twain at his literary worst and best the Yankee ranks supreme. It is unnecessary to quote examples; one cannot pick up the volume and read ten pages of it, or five pages, without finding them. In the midst of some exalted passage, some towering sublimity, you are brought suddenly to earth with a phrase which wholly destroys the illusion and the diviner purpose. Howells must have observed these things, or was he so dazzled by the splendor of its intent, its righteous charge upon the ranks of oppression, that he regarded its offenses against art as unimportant. This is hard to explain, for the very thing that would sustain such a great message and make it permanent would be the care, the restraint, the artistic worthiness of its construction. One must believe in a story like that to be convinced of its logic. To lose faith in it—in its narrative—is absolutely fatal to its purpose. The Yankee in King Arthur's Court not only offended the English nation, but much of it offended the better taste of Mark Twain's own countrymen, and in time it must have offended even Mark Twain himself. Reading it, one can visualize the author as a careering charger, with a bit in his teeth, trampling the poetry and the tradition of the romantic days, the very things which he himself in his happier moods cared for most. Howells likened him to Cervantes, laughing Spain's chivalry away. The comparison was hardly justified. It was proper enough to laugh chivalry out of court when it was a reality; but Mark Twain, who loved Sir Thomas Malory to the end of his days, the beauty and poetry of his chronicles; who had written 'The Prince and the Pauper', and would one day write that divine tale of the 'Maid of Orleans'; who was himself no more nor less than a knight always ready to redress wrong, would seem to have been the last person to wish to laugh it out of romance.

There’s nothing more charming in any of Mark Twain's work than his introductory chapter, nothing more delightful than the way the Yankee is introduced and his adventures with Alisande. There’s nothing more powerful or inspiring than his amazing panoramic scene—where the King learns mercy through his own downfall and his daily interactions with a group of enslaved people; nothing more moving than the tragic incident of the woman who was burned to keep those freezing souls warm, or the dramatic gallows scene, where the priest speaks for the young mother who is about to be executed for stealing a halfpenny's worth so her baby could have bread. These moments must save the book from being forgotten; but sadly, its greater appeal is almost ruined by crude and exaggerated humor that breaks the illusion and often frustrates the reader right when the story should fill them with righteous anger against injustice. As an example of Mark Twain at both his literary worst and best, the Yankee stands out. There's no need to quote examples; you can’t pick up the book and read even ten pages, or five pages, without finding them. In the midst of some elevated passages or profound moments, you're suddenly brought down to reality with a phrase that completely shatters the illusion and the higher purpose. Howells must have noticed these issues, or was he so impressed by the brilliance of its intent, its strong critique of oppression, that he saw its flaws against art as trivial. This is hard to understand because the very elements that would support such a significant message and make it lasting would be the care, the restraint, and the artistic quality of its construction. One must believe in a story like that to be convinced by its logic. Losing faith in it—in its narrative—is completely fatal to its purpose. The Yankee in King Arthur's Court not only upset the English nation, but much of it also offended the finer tastes of Twain's own fellow countrymen, and eventually, it likely offended Mark Twain himself. While reading it, you can picture the author as a wild horse, with a bit in its mouth, trampling the poetry and traditions of romantic times—things he himself cherished in his happier moments. Howells compared him to Cervantes, making fun of Spain's chivalry. That comparison was hardly fair. It was fine to dismiss chivalry when it was a reality; but Mark Twain, who loved Sir Thomas Malory until the end of his life, and the beauty and poetry of his tales; who wrote 'The Prince and the Pauper' and would later pen the beautiful story of the 'Maid of Orleans'; who was, without a doubt, a knight always ready to right wrongs, would seem to be the last person to want to laugh it out of romance.

And yet, when all is said, one may still agree with Howells in ranking the Yankee among Mark Twain's highest achievements in the way of “a greatly imagined and symmetrically developed tale.” It is of that class, beyond doubt. Howells goes further:

And yet, when everything is considered, one might still agree with Howells in placing the Yankee among Mark Twain's greatest accomplishments in terms of “a brilliantly imagined and well-structured story.” It definitely belongs to that category. Howells takes it a step further:

    Of all the fanciful schemes in fiction it pleases me most, and I
    give myself with absolute delight to its notion of a keen East
    Hartford Yankee finding himself, by a retroactionary spell, at the
    court of King Arthur of Britain, and becoming part of the sixth
    century with all the customs and ideas of the nineteenth in him and
    about him. The field for humanizing satire which this scheme opens
    is illimitable.
Of all the imaginative ideas in fiction, this one delights me the most. I find absolute joy in the concept of a sharp-witted East Hartford Yankee who, through some backward spell, ends up at King Arthur's court in Britain, merging the sixth century with all the customs and ideas of the nineteenth century. The potential for insightful satire that this idea offers is endless.

Colossal it certainly is, as Howells and Stedman agreed: colossal in its grotesqueness as in its sublimity. Howells, summarizing Mark Twain's gifts (1901), has written:

Colossal it definitely is, as Howells and Stedman agreed: colossal in its bizarre quality as well as in its greatness. Howells, summarizing Mark Twain's talents (1901), wrote:

    He is apt to burlesque the lighter colloquiality, and it is only in
    the more serious and most tragical junctures that his people utter
    themselves with veracious simplicity and dignity. That great, burly
    fancy of his is always tempting him to the exaggeration which is the
    condition of so much of his personal humor, but which when it
    invades the drama spoils the illusion. The illusion renews itself
    in the great moments, but I wish it could be kept intact in the
    small, and I blame him that he does not rule his fancy better.
He tends to parody the lighter everyday language, and it's only during the more serious and tragic moments that his characters speak with genuine simplicity and dignity. His big, bold imagination often pushes him towards the exaggeration that forms much of his personal humor, but when that exaggeration seeps into the drama, it ruins the illusion. The illusion comes back during the crucial moments, but I really wish it could be maintained in the smaller ones, and I hold him accountable for not controlling his imagination better.

All of which applies precisely to the writing of the Yankee in King Arthur's Court. Intended as a fierce heart-cry against human injustice—man's inhumanity to man—as such it will live and find readers; but, more than any other of Mark Twain's pretentious works, it needs editing—trimming by a fond but relentless hand.

All of this is exactly true for "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court." It was meant as a powerful outcry against human injustice—specifically, man's cruelty towards one another. Because of that, it will endure and attract readers; however, more than any of Mark Twain's other ambitious works, it needs some editing—careful cutting by a loving yet strict hand.





CLXXII. THE “YANKEE” IN ENGLAND

The London publishers of the Yankee were keenly anxious to revise the text for their English readers. Clemens wrote that he had already revised the Yankee twice, that Stedman had critically read it, and that Mrs. Clemens had made him strike out many passages and soften others. He added that he had read chapters of it in public several times where Englishmen were present and had profited by their suggestions. Then he said:

The London publishers of the Yankee were eager to revise the text for their English audience. Clemens mentioned that he had already revised the Yankee twice, that Stedman had read it critically, and that Mrs. Clemens had made him cut out many passages and tone down others. He added that he had read chapters of it publicly several times with Englishmen present and had benefited from their feedback. Then he said:

    Now, mind you, I have taken all this pains because I wanted to say a
    Yankee mechanic's say against monarchy and its several natural
    props, and yet make a book which you would be willing to print
    exactly as it comes to you, without altering a word.

    We are spoken of (by Englishmen) as a thin-skinned people. It is
    you who are thin-skinned. An Englishman may write with the most
    brutal frankness about any man or institution among us and we
    republish him without dreaming of altering a line or a word. But
    England cannot stand that kind of a book written about herself. It
    is England that is thin-skinned. It causeth me to smile when I read
    the modifications of my language which have been made in my English
    editions to fit them for the sensitive English palate.

    Now, as I say, I have taken laborious pains to so trim this book of
    offense that you'll not lack the nerve to print it just as it
    stands. I am going to get the proofs to you just as early as I can.
    I want you to read it carefully. If you can publish it without
    altering a single word, go ahead. Otherwise, please hand it to
    J. R. Osgood in time for him to have it published at my expense.

    This is important, for the reason that the book was not written for
    America; it was written for England. So many Englishmen have done
    their sincerest best to teach us something for our betterment that
    it seems to me high time that some of us should substantially
    recognize the good intent by trying to pry up the English nation to
    a little higher level of manhood in turn.
Now, keep in mind, I've put in all this effort because I wanted to express a Yankee mechanic's views against monarchy and its various support systems, while still creating a book that you'd be willing to publish exactly as it is, without changing a word.

We're often described (by the British) as overly sensitive people. It’s actually you who are overly sensitive. An Englishman can write with the most brutal honesty about any individual or institution here, and we reprint it without even thinking of changing a line or a word. But England can’t handle that kind of critique written about itself. It’s England that’s thin-skinned. I can’t help but smile when I see the changes made to my language in my English editions to suit the delicate British taste.

So, as I mentioned, I've taken great care to edit this book of any potential offense so that you won't hesitate to publish it just as it is. I’ll send you the proofs as soon as I can. I want you to read it carefully. If you can publish it without changing a single word, go for it. Otherwise, please pass it on to J. R. Osgood in time for him to publish it at my expense.

This is important because the book was not written for America; it was written for England. So many Englishmen have genuinely tried to teach us something for our improvement that it feels like it’s time for some of us to acknowledge their good intentions by trying to elevate the English nation to a slightly higher standard of humanity in return.

So the Yankee was published in England just as he had written it,—[The preface was shortened and modified for both the American and English editions. The reader will find it as originally written under Appendix S, at the end of last volume.]—and the criticisms were as plentiful as they were frank. It was referred to as a “lamentable failure” and as an “audacious sacrilege” and in terms still less polite. Not all of the English critics were violent. The Daily Telegraph gave it something more than a column of careful review, which did not fail to point out the book's sins with a good deal of justice and dignity; but the majority of English papers joined in a sort of objurgatory chorus which, for a time at least, spared neither the author nor his work. Strictures on the Yankee extended to his earlier books. After all, Mark Twain's work was not for the cultivated class.

So the Yankee was published in England just as he had written it,—[The preface was shortened and modified for both the American and English editions. The reader will find it as originally written under Appendix S, at the end of last volume.]—and the reviews were as abundant as they were straightforward. It was called a “lamentable failure” and an “audacious sacrilege,” and in even less polite terms. Not all of the English critics were harsh. The Daily Telegraph provided more than a column of careful review, which pointed out the book's flaws with a good amount of fairness and respect; however, most English newspapers joined in a sort of critical chorus that, for a time at least, spared neither the author nor his work. Criticism of the Yankee extended to his earlier books. After all, Mark Twain's work was not aimed at the educated elite.

These things must have begun to gravel Clemens a good deal at last, for he wrote to Andrew Lang at considerable length, setting forth his case in general terms—that is to say, his position as an author—inviting Lang to stand as his advocate before the English public. In part he said:

These issues must have really started to bother Clemens quite a bit, because he wrote a long letter to Andrew Lang, explaining his situation in broad terms—that is, his role as a writer—asking Lang to support him in front of the English audience. In part he said:

    The critic assumes every time that if a book doesn't meet the
    cultivated-class standard it isn't valuable... The critic has
    actually imposed upon the world the superstition that a painting by
    Raphael is more valuable to the civilizations of the earth than is a
    chromo; and the august opera more than the hurdy-gurdy and the
    villagers' singing society; and the Latin classics than Kipling's
    far-reaching bugle-note; and Jonathan Edwards than the Salvation
    Army.... If a critic should start a religion it would not
    have any object but to convert angels, and they wouldn't need it.
    It is not that little minority who are already saved that are best
    worth lifting up, I should think, but the mighty mass of the
    uncultivated who are underneath! That mass will never see the old
    masters—that sight is for the few; but the chromo-maker can lift
    them all one step upward toward appreciation of art; they cannot
    have the opera, but the hurdy-gurdy and the singing-class lift them
    a little way toward that far height; they will never know Homer, but
    the passing rhymester of their day leaves them higher than he found
    them; they may never even hear of the Latin classics, but they will
    strike step with Kipling's drum-beat and they will march; for all
    Jonathan Edwards's help they would die in their slums, but the
    Salvation Army will beguile some of them to a purer air and a
    cleaner life.

   ... I have never tried, in even one single little instance, to
    help cultivate the cultivated classes. I was not equipped for it
    either by native gifts or training. And I never had any ambition in
    that direction, but always hunted for bigger game—the masses. I
    have seldom deliberately tried to instruct them, but I have done my
    best to entertain them, for they can get instruction elsewhere..
   .. My audience is dumb; it has no voice in print, and so I cannot
    know whether I have won its approval or only got its censure.
    The critic always assumes that if a book doesn't meet the standards of the educated elite, it has no value... The critic has actually made the world believe that a painting by Raphael is worth more to civilizations than a cheap print; that grand opera is superior to a street musician or local singing group; that the Latin classics are more important than Kipling's impactful writing; and that Jonathan Edwards is more significant than the Salvation Army.... If a critic started a religion, it would only aim to convert angels, who wouldn't need it. It's not the small group who are already saved that need uplifting, but the vast number of uneducated people below them! That group will never experience the old masters—can only be seen by a few; but the printmaker can elevate them a bit toward an appreciation of art; they won't have the opera, but the street performers and community singing can raise them a little closer to that lofty experience; they may never know Homer, but the local poet will leave them better off than before; they might not even hear about the Latin classics, but they'll march to Kipling's beat; without help from Jonathan Edwards, they would die in their slums, but the Salvation Army can draw some of them toward a healthier and cleaner life.

    ... I have never tried, even once, to help the educated elite. I wasn’t cut out for it, either by natural talent or training. I never aimed for that either; I always sought to reach a larger audience—the masses. I have rarely tried to teach them directly but have aimed to entertain them, since they can find instruction elsewhere... My audience is silent; they don’t have a voice in print, and so I can’t know if I’ve earned their approval or only their criticism.

He closed by asking that Lang urge the critics to adopt a rule recognizing the masses, and to formulate a standard whereby work done for them might be judged. “No voice can reach further than yours in a case of this kind,” he said, “or carry greater weight of authority.” There was no humor in this letter, and the writer of it was clearly in earnest.

He finished by asking Lang to encourage the critics to accept a guideline acknowledging the general public and to create a standard for evaluating work done for them. “No one can have more influence than you in a matter like this,” he said, “or command more authority.” There was no humor in this letter, and the author was clearly serious.

Lang's response was an article published in the Illustrated London News on the art of Mark Twain. He began by gently ridiculing hyperculture—the new culture—and ended with a eulogy on Huck Finn. It seems worth while, however, to let Andrew Lang speak for himself.

Lang's response was an article published in the Illustrated London News about the art of Mark Twain. He started by lightly mocking hyperculture—the new culture—and concluded with a tribute to Huck Finn. It seems worthwhile, however, to let Andrew Lang speak for himself.

    I have been educated till I nearly dropped; I have lived with the
    earliest apostles of culture, in the days when Chippendale was first
    a name to conjure with, and Japanese art came in like a raging lion,
    and Ronsard was the favorite poet, and Mr. William Morris was a
    poet, too, and blue and green were the only wear, and the name of
    Paradise was Camelot. To be sure, I cannot say that I took all this
    quite seriously, but “we, too, have played” at it, and know all
    about it. Generally speaking, I have kept up with culture. I can
    talk (if desired) about Sainte-Beuve, and Merimee, and Felicien
    Rops; I could rhyme “Ballades” when they were “in,” and knew what a
    “pantoom” was.... And yet I have not culture. My works are
    but tinkling brass because I have not culture. For culture has got
    into new regions where I cannot enter, and, what is perhaps worse,
    I find myself delighting in a great many things which are under the
    ban of culture.
I’ve been educated to the point of exhaustion; I’ve experienced the earliest influencers of culture during the time when Chippendale was a renowned name, and Japanese art burst onto the scene like a fierce lion, when Ronsard was the go-to poet, and Mr. William Morris was a poet as well, and blue and green were the only fashionable colors, and Camelot was the name for Paradise. Of course, I can’t say I took all of this too seriously, but "we, too, have played" at it and know all about it. Generally speaking, I’ve kept up with cultural trends. I can discuss (if necessary) Sainte-Beuve, Merimee, and Felicien Rops; I could rhyme "Ballades" when they were popular, and I knew what a "pantoom" was.... And yet I don’t possess culture. My works are just empty noise because I lack culture. For culture has moved into new areas where I can't go, and, what might be worse, I find joy in many things that are considered outside the scope of culture.

He confesses that this is a dreadful position; one that makes a man feel like one of those Liberal politicians who are always “sitting on the fence,” and who follow their party, if follow it they do, with the reluctant acquiescence of the prophet's donkey. He further confesses that he has tried Hartmann and prefers Plato, that he is shaky about Blake, though stalwart concerning Rudyard Kipling.

He admits that this is a tough spot; one that makes a man feel like one of those Liberal politicians who are always “sitting on the fence,” and who follow their party, if they even do, with the same reluctant agreement as the prophet's donkey. He also admits that he has tried Hartmann but prefers Plato, that he is uncertain about Blake, though he stands firm when it comes to Rudyard Kipling.

    This is not the worst of it. Culture has hardly a new idol but I
    long to hurl things at it. Culture can scarcely burn anything, but
    I am impelled to sacrifice to that same. I am coming to suspect
    that the majority of culture's modern disciples are a mere crowd of
    very slimly educated people who have no natural taste or impulses;
    who do not really know the best things in literature; who have a
    feverish desire to admire the newest thing, to follow the latest
    artistic fashion; who prate about “style,” without the faintest
    acquaintance with the ancient examples of style in Greek, French, or
    English; who talk about the classics and—criticize the classical
    critics and poets, without being able to read a line of them in the
    original. Nothing of the natural man is left in these people; their
    intellectual equipment is made up of ignorant vanity and eager
    desire for novelty, and a yearning to be in the fashion. Take, for
    example—and we have been a long time in coming to him—Mark Twain.
    [Here follow some observations concerning the Yankee, which Lang
    confesses that he has not read, and has abstained from reading
    because——]. Here Mark Twain is not, and cannot be, at the proper
    point of view. He has not the knowledge which would enable him to
    be a sound critic of the ideals of the Middle Ages. An Arthurian
    Knight in New York or in Washington would find as much to blame, and
    justly, as a Yankee at Camelot.
    This isn’t the worst of it. Culture barely has a new idol, but I really want to throw things at it. Culture can hardly create anything worthwhile, yet I feel driven to contribute to it. I’m starting to think that most of culture's modern followers are just a group of poorly educated people with no genuine taste or instincts; they don’t truly understand the best literature; they have a frantic need to admire the latest trends and chase after the newest artistic styles; they talk about “style,” without any real knowledge of the classic examples of style in Greek, French, or English; they discuss the classics and criticize classical critics and poets without being able to read a single line of them in the original language. There’s nothing natural left in these people; their intellectual foundation is built on ignorance, vanity, and a craving for what's trendy. For instance— and we’ve taken a while to get to him— Mark Twain. [Here follow some observations concerning the Yankee, which Lang confesses that he has not read, and has abstained from reading because—]. Here Mark Twain is not, and cannot be, in the right frame of mind. He lacks the knowledge to be an insightful critic of Medieval ideals. An Arthurian Knight in New York or Washington would find just as much to criticize, and rightly so, as a Yankee at Camelot.

Of Mark Twain's work in general he speaks with another conclusion:

Of Mark Twain's work overall, he expresses a different conclusion:

    Mark Twain is a benefactor beyond most modern writers, and the
    cultured who do not laugh are merely to be pitied. But his art is
    not only that of the maker of the scarce article—mirth. I have no
    hesitation in saying that Mark Twain is one among the greatest
    contemporary makers of fiction.... I can never forget or be
    ungrateful for the exquisite pleasure with which I read Huckleberry
    Finn for the first time years ago. I read it again last night,
    deserting Kenilworth for Huck. I never laid it down till I had
    finished it. I perused several passages more than once, and rose
    from it with a higher opinion of its merits than ever.

    What is it that we want in a novel? We want a vivid and original
    picture of life; we want character naturally displayed in action;
    and if we get the excitement of adventure into the bargain, and that
    adventure possible and plausible, I so far differ from the newest
    school of criticism as to think that we have additional cause for
    gratitude. If, moreover, there is an unstrained sense of humor in
    the narrator we have a masterpiece, and Huckleberry Finn is, nothing
    less.
Mark Twain is a blessing beyond most modern writers, and those who can't laugh at his work should really be pitied. But his talent isn't just in creating the rare thing—laughter. I confidently say that Mark Twain is one of the greatest contemporary fiction writers... I can never forget or be ungrateful for the amazing pleasure I felt when I first read Huckleberry Finn years ago. I picked it up again last night, choosing Huck over Kenilworth. I couldn't put it down until I finished. I read some passages more than once and got up with a greater appreciation for its brilliance than ever before.

What do we want in a novel? We want a vivid and original depiction of life; we want characters to show themselves naturally through their actions; and if we also get the thrill of adventure, and that adventure feels real and believable, I disagree with the latest trends in criticism by saying we have even more reason to be thankful. Moreover, if the narrator has a natural sense of humor, we've got a masterpiece, and Huckleberry Finn is nothing less.

He reviews Huck sympathetically in detail, and closes:

He looks at Huck with a lot of understanding and goes into detail, then concludes:

    There are defects of taste, or passages that to us seem deficient in
    taste, but the book remains a nearly flawless gem of romance and of
    humor. The world appreciates it, no doubt, but “cultured critics”
     are probably unaware of its singular value. The great American
    novel has escaped the eyes of those who watch to see this new planet
    swim into their ken. And will Mark Twain never write such another?
    One is enough for him to live by, and for our gratitude, but not
    enough for our desire.
    There are flaws in taste, or sections that seem lacking to us, but the book is still a nearly perfect gem of romance and humor. The world appreciates it, no doubt, but "cultured critics" probably don’t recognize its unique value. The great American novel has slipped past the gaze of those who wait to see this new masterpiece come into view. And will Mark Twain ever write another like it? One is enough for him to thrive on and for our gratitude, but not enough for our longing.

In the brief column and a half which it occupies, this comment of Andrew Lang's constitutes as thoughtful and fair an estimate of Mark Twain's work as was ever written.

In the short column and a half that it takes up, this comment by Andrew Lang is as thoughtful and fair an assessment of Mark Twain's work as ever written.

W. T. Stead, of the Review of Reviews, was about the only prominent English editor to approve of the Yankee and to exploit its merits. Stead brought down obloquy upon himself by so doing, and his separation from his business partner would seem to have been at least remotely connected with this heresy.

W. T. Stead, from the Review of Reviews, was almost the only well-known English editor to support the Yankee and highlight its strengths. Stead faced criticism for this and his split from his business partner seemed to be at least somewhat related to this controversial stance.

The Yankee in King Arthur's Court was dramatized in America by Howard Taylor, one of the Enterprise compositors, whom Clemens had known in the old Comstock days. Taylor had become a playwright of considerable success, with a number of well-known actors and actresses starring in his plays. The Yankee, however, did not find a manager, or at least it seems not to have reached the point of production.

The Yankee in King Arthur's Court was adapted for the stage in America by Howard Taylor, one of the Enterprise typesetters, whom Clemens had known back in the Comstock days. Taylor had become a successful playwright, with several famous actors and actresses performing in his plays. However, The Yankee didn’t find a manager, or at least it doesn’t seem to have moved into production.





CLXXIII. A SUMMER AT ONTEORA

With the exception of one article—“A Majestic Literary Fossil”—[Harper's Magazine, February, 1890. Included in the “Complete Works.”]—Clemens was writing nothing of importance at this time. This article grew out of a curious old medical work containing absurd prescriptions which, with Theodore Crane, he had often laughed over at the farm. A sequel to Huckleberry Finn—Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer Among the Indians—was begun, and a number of its chapters were set in type on the new Paige compositor, which had cost such a gallant sum, and was then thought to be complete. There seems to have been a plan to syndicate the story, but at the end of Chapter IX Huck and Tom had got themselves into a predicament from which it seemed impossible to extricate them, and the plot was suspended for further inspiration, which apparently never came.

Aside from one article—“A Majestic Literary Fossil”—[Harper's Magazine, February, 1890. Included in the “Complete Works.”]—Clemens wasn't writing anything significant during this time. This article came from an old medical book with ridiculous prescriptions that he and Theodore Crane had often joked about at the farm. A sequel to Huckleberry Finn—Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer Among the Indians—was started, and several of its chapters were set in type on the new Paige compositor, which had cost a hefty amount and was then believed to be finished. There appeared to be a plan to syndicate the story, but by the end of Chapter IX, Huck and Tom found themselves in a situation they couldn't escape, and the plot was put on hold for more inspiration, which never seemed to arrive.

Clemens, in fact, was troubled with rheumatism in his arm and shoulder, which made writing difficult. Mrs. Clemens, too, had twinges of the malady. They planned to go abroad for the summer of 1890, to take the waters of some of the German baths, but they were obliged to give up the idea. There were too many business complications; also the health of Clemens's mother had become very feeble. They went to Tannersville in the Catskills, instead—to the Onteora Club, where Mrs. Candace Wheeler had gathered a congenial colony in a number of picturesque cottages, with a comfortable hotel for the more transient visitor. The Clemenses secured a cottage for the season. Mrs. Mary Mapes Dodge, Laurence Hutton, Carroll Beckwith, the painter; Brander Matthews, Dr. Heber Newton, Mrs. Custer, and Dora Wheeler were among those who welcomed Mark Twain and his family at a generous home-made banquet.

Clemens was actually suffering from rheumatism in his arm and shoulder, which made writing difficult. Mrs. Clemens also experienced some pain from the same condition. They planned to go abroad for the summer of 1890 to visit some of the German baths, but they had to abandon the idea. There were too many business complications, and Clemens's mother’s health had become very weak. Instead, they went to Tannersville in the Catskills, to the Onteora Club, where Mrs. Candace Wheeler had gathered a friendly group in several charming cottages, along with a comfortable hotel for more transient visitors. The Clemenses rented a cottage for the season. Mrs. Mary Mapes Dodge, Laurence Hutton, Carroll Beckwith, the painter, Brander Matthews, Dr. Heber Newton, Mrs. Custer, and Dora Wheeler were among those who welcomed Mark Twain and his family with a generous homemade banquet.

It was the beginning of a happy summer. There was a constant visiting from one cottage to another, with frequent assemblings at the Bear and Fox Inn, their general headquarters. There were pantomimes and charades, in which Mark Twain and his daughters always had star parts. Susy Clemens, who was now eighteen, brilliant and charming, was beginning to rival her father as a leader of entertainment. Her sister Clara gave impersonations of Modjeska and Ada Rehan. When Fourth of July came there were burlesque races, of which Mark Twain was starter, and many of that lighthearted company took part. Sometimes, in the evening, they gathered in one of the cottages and told stories by the firelight, and once he told the story of the Golden Arm, so long remembered, and brought them up with the same old jump at the sudden climax. Brander Matthews remembers that Clemens was obliged frequently to go to New York on business connected with the machine and the publishing, and that during one of these absences a professional entertainer came along, and in the course of his program told a Mark Twain story, at which Mrs. Clemens and the girls laughed without recognizing its authorship. Matthews also remembers Jean, as a little girl of ten, allowed to ride a pony and to go barefoot, to her great delight, full of health and happiness, a favorite of the colony.

It was the start of a joyful summer. People were constantly visiting from one cottage to another, often gathering at the Bear and Fox Inn, their main hangout. There were pantomimes and charades, where Mark Twain and his daughters always took the lead roles. Susy Clemens, now eighteen, was brilliant and charming, starting to compete with her dad as the main entertainer. Her sister Clara impersonated Modjeska and Ada Rehan. When the Fourth of July arrived, there were funny races, with Mark Twain as the starter, and many in that cheerful group participated. Sometimes, in the evenings, they would gather in one of the cottages and share stories by the firelight. During one night, he told the story of the Golden Arm, still memorable, and surprised them with the same thrilling twist at the end. Brander Matthews recalls that Clemens often had to travel to New York for business related to his writing and publishing, and during one of these trips, a professional entertainer came by and told a Mark Twain story that made Mrs. Clemens and the girls laugh without realizing who had written it. Matthews also remembers little Jean, at the age of ten, enjoying riding a pony and going barefoot, delighted and healthy, a favorite among the group.

Clemens would seem to have forgiven Brander Matthews for his copyright articles, for he walked over to the Matthews cottage one morning and asked to be taught piquet, the card game most in vogue there that season. At odd times he sat to Carroll Beckwith for his portrait, and smoked a cob pipe meantime, so Beckwith painted him in that way.

Clemens seemed to have forgiven Brander Matthews for his copyright articles because he walked over to the Matthews cottage one morning and asked to learn piquet, the card game that was popular that season. Occasionally, he sat for a portrait by Carroll Beckwith while smoking a cob pipe, so Beckwith painted him that way.

It was a season that closed sadly. Clemens was called to Keokuk in August, to his mother's bedside, for it was believed that her end was near. She rallied, and he returned to Onteora. But on the 27th of October came the close of that long, active life, and the woman who two generations before had followed John Clemens into the wilderness, and along the path of vicissitude, was borne by her children to Hannibal and laid to rest at his side. She was in her eighty-eighth year.

It was a season that ended with sadness. Clemens was called to Keokuk in August to be by his mother's side, as it was thought she was close to death. She recovered, and he went back to Onteora. But on October 27th, that long, active life came to an end, and the woman who two generations earlier had followed John Clemens into the wilderness and endured many hardships was taken by her children to Hannibal and laid to rest beside him. She was in her eighty-eighth year.

The Clemens family were back in Hartford by this time, and it was only a little later that Mrs. Clemens was summoned to the death-bed of her own mother, in Elmira. Clemens accompanied her, but Jean being taken suddenly ill he returned to Hartford. Watching by the little girl's bedside on the night of the 27th of November, he wrote Mrs. Clemens a birthday letter, telling of Jean's improved condition and sending other good news and as many loving messages as he could devise. But it proved a sad birthday for Mrs. Clemens, for on that day her mother's gentle and beautiful soul went out from among them. The foreboding she had felt at the passing of Theodore Crane had been justified. She had a dread that the harvest of death was not yet ended. Matters in general were going badly with them, and an anxiety began to grow to get away from America, and so perhaps leave sorrow and ill-luck behind. Clemens, near the end of December, writing to his publishing manager, Hall, said:

The Clemens family was back in Hartford by this time, and not long after, Mrs. Clemens was called to her mother’s deathbed in Elmira. Clemens went with her, but when Jean suddenly fell ill, he returned to Hartford. On the night of November 27th, while keeping watch by the little girl's bedside, he wrote Mrs. Clemens a birthday letter, sharing news about Jean's improved condition, along with other good updates and as many loving messages as he could think of. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a sad birthday for Mrs. Clemens, as her mother’s gentle and beautiful soul departed that day. The feeling of dread she had experienced with the passing of Theodore Crane was confirmed. She feared that the wave of death wasn't over yet. Overall, things were going poorly for them, and a growing anxiety pushed them to consider leaving America, hoping to leave behind the sorrow and bad luck. Near the end of December, Clemens wrote to his publishing manager, Hall, saying:

    Merry Christmas to you, and I wish to God I could have one myself
    before I die.
    Merry Christmas to you, and I wish I could have one myself before I die.

The house was emptier that winter than before, for Susy was at Bryn Mawr. Clemens planned some literary work, but the beginning, after his long idleness, was hard. A diversion was another portrait of himself, this time undertaken by Charles Noel Flagg. Clemens rather enjoyed portrait-sittings. He could talk and smoke, and he could incidentally acquire information. He liked to discuss any man's profession with him, and in his talks with Flagg he made a sincere effort to get that insight which would enable him to appreciate the old masters. Flagg found him a tractable sitter, and a most interesting one. Once he paid him a compliment, then apologized for having said the obvious thing.

The house felt emptier that winter than it had before because Susy was at Bryn Mawr. Clemens planned to do some writing, but getting started after being inactive for so long was tough. As a distraction, he decided to have another portrait done, this time by Charles Noel Flagg. Clemens actually enjoyed sitting for portraits. He could chat and smoke, and he had the chance to pick up some knowledge along the way. He liked to talk about people’s jobs with them, and during his conversations with Flagg, he made a genuine effort to gain insight that would help him appreciate the old masters. Flagg found him to be an easygoing and very interesting subject. At one point, he complimented Clemens, then apologized for stating the obvious.

“Never mind the apology,” said Clemens. “The compliment that helps us on our way is not the one that is shut up in the mind, but the one that is spoken out.”

“Forget the apology,” said Clemens. “The compliment that really helps us move forward isn’t the one kept in our heads, but the one that is actually said out loud.”

When Flagg's portrait was about completed, Mrs. Clemens and Mrs. Crane came to the studio to look at it. Mrs. Clemens complained only that the necktie was crooked.

When Flagg's portrait was almost finished, Mrs. Clemens and Mrs. Crane came to the studio to check it out. Mrs. Clemens only complained that the necktie was off-center.

“But it's always crooked,” said Flagg, “and I have a great fancy for the line it makes.”

“But it's always crooked,” Flagg said, “and I really like the way it looks.”

She straightened it on Clemens himself, but it immediately became crooked again. Clemens said:

She fixed it on Clemens, but it quickly got crooked again. Clemens said:

“If you were to make that necktie straight people would say; 'Good portrait, but there is something the matter with it. I don't know where it is.'”

“If you were to make that necktie straight, people would say, 'Good portrait, but something's off. I can't quite put my finger on it.'”

The tie was left unchanged.

The tie remained the same.





CLXXIV. THE MACHINE

The reader may have realized that by the beginning of 1891 Mark Twain's finances were in a critical condition. The publishing business had managed to weather along. It was still profitable, and could have been made much more so if the capital necessary to its growth had not been continuously and relentlessly absorbed by that gigantic vampire of inventions—that remorseless Frankenstein monster—the machine.

The reader might have noticed that by early 1891, Mark Twain's finances were in serious trouble. The publishing business had managed to get by. It was still making money and could have been a lot more profitable if the funds needed for its growth hadn't been constantly and ruthlessly drained by that enormous vampire of inventions— that relentless Frankenstein monster—the machine.

The beginning of this vast tragedy (for it was no less than that) dated as far back as 1880, when Clemens one day had taken a minor and purely speculative interest in patent rights, which was to do away with setting type by hand. In some memoranda which he made more than ten years later, when the catastrophe was still a little longer postponed, he gave some account of the matter.

The start of this huge tragedy (because that's exactly what it was) goes back to 1880, when Clemens casually took a minor, speculative interest in patent rights aimed at eliminating the need for hand-setting type. In some notes he wrote over ten years later, when the disaster was still slightly delayed, he explained the situation.

    This episode has now spread itself over more than one-fifth of my
    life, a considerable stretch of time, as I am now 55 years old.

    Ten or eleven years ago Dwight Buell, a jeweler, called at our house
    and was shown up to the billiard-room-which was my study; and the
    game got more study than the other sciences. He wanted me to take
    some stock in a type-setting machine. He said it was at the Colt's
    Arms factory, and was about finished. I took $2,000 of the stock.
    I was always taking little chances like that, and almost always
    losing by it, too. Some time afterward I was invited to go down to
    the factory and see the machine. I went, promising myself nothing,
    for I knew all about type-setting by practical experience, and held
    the settled and solidified opinion that a successful type-setting
    machine was an impossibility, for the reason that a machine cannot
    be made to think, and the thing that sets movable type must think or
    retire defeated. So, the performance I witnessed did most
    thoroughly amaze me. Here was a machine that was really setting
    type, and doing it with swiftness and accuracy, too. Moreover, it
    was distributing its case at the same time. The distribution was
    automatic; the machine fed itself from a galley of dead matter and
    without human help or suggestion, for it began its work of its own
    accord when the type channels needed filling, and stopped of its own
    accord when they were full enough. The machine was almost a
    complete compositor; it lacked but one feature—it did not “justify”
     the lines. This was done by the operator's assistant.

    I saw the operator set at the rate of 3,000 ems an hour, which,
    counting distribution, was but little short of four casemen's work.
    William Hamersley was there. He said he was already a considerable
    owner, and was going to take as much more of the stock as he could
    afford. Wherefore, I set down my name for an additional $3,000. It
    is here that the music begins.
This episode has now stretched over more than one-fifth of my life, which is a significant amount of time considering I'm 55 years old.

About ten or eleven years ago, Dwight Buell, a jeweler, came to our house and was taken to the billiard room, which served as my study; I would say the game got more attention than my other interests. He wanted me to invest in a typesetting machine. He mentioned it was at the Colt's Arms factory and was almost finished. I invested $2,000 in the stock. I tended to take small risks like that, and almost always ended up losing money. Some time later, I was invited to visit the factory and see the machine for myself. I went in with no expectations, knowing all too well about typesetting from experience, and I was firmly convinced that a successful typesetting machine was impossible because a machine can't think, and anything that needs to set movable type must possess some level of thought or it would fail. However, what I saw completely amazed me. This machine was actually setting type, and it was doing so quickly and accurately. Plus, it was automatically distributing its case at the same time. It fed itself from a supply of materials without any human assistance or direction; it started working on its own when the type channels needed filling and stopped by itself when they were full enough. The machine was nearly a complete compositor; it just lacked one feature—it didn't "justify" the lines, which was handled by the operator's assistant.

I saw the operator working at a speed of 3,000 ems an hour, which, when including the distribution, was just a bit less than the output of four typesetters. William Hamersley was there too. He mentioned he was already a significant investor and planned to buy as much more stock as he could afford. So, I added my name for another $3,000. And this, my friends, is where the excitement begins.

It was the so-called Farnham machine that he saw, invented by James W. Paige, and if they had placed it on the market then, without waiting for the inventor to devise improvements, the story might have been a different one. But Paige was never content short of absolute perfection—a machine that was not only partly human, but entirely so. Clemens' used to say later that the Paige type-setter would do everything that a human being could do except drink and swear and go on a strike. He might properly have omitted the last item, but of that later. Paige was a small, bright-eyed, alert, smartly dressed man, with a crystal-clear mind, but a dreamer and a visionary. Clemens says of him: “He is a poet; a most great and genuine poet, whose sublime creations are written in steel.”

It was the so-called Farnham machine that he saw, invented by James W. Paige. If they had launched it back then, without waiting for the inventor to make improvements, the outcome might have been different. But Paige was never satisfied unless it was absolutely perfect—a machine that was not only partly human but entirely so. Clemens later said that the Paige typesetter could do everything a human could do except drink, swear, and go on strike. He might have rightly left out the last item, but that's a discussion for later. Paige was a small, bright-eyed, alert man who dressed well and had a crystal-clear mind, yet he was also a dreamer and a visionary. Clemens describes him as: “He is a poet; a truly great and genuine poet, whose sublime creations are written in steel.”

It is easy to see now that Mark Twain and Paige did not make a good business combination. When Paige declared that, wonderful as the machine was, he could do vastly greater things with it, make it worth many more and much larger fortunes by adding this attachment and that, Clemens was just the man to enter into his dreams and to furnish the money to realize them. Paige did not require much money at first, and on the capital already invested he tinkered along with his improvements for something like four or five years; Hamersley and Clemens meantime capitalizing the company and getting ready to place the perfected invention on the market. By the time the Grant episode had ended Clemens had no reason to believe but that incalculable wealth lay just ahead, when the newspapers should be apprised of the fact that their types were no longer to be set by hand. Several contracts had been made with Paige, and several new attachments had been added to the machine. It seemed to require only one thing more, the justifier, which would save the labor of the extra man. Paige could be satisfied with nothing short of that, even though the extra man's wage was unimportant. He must have his machine do it all, and meantime five precious years had slipped away. Clemens, in his memoranda, says:

It’s clear now that Mark Twain and Paige weren’t a great business match. When Paige claimed that, amazing as the machine was, he could achieve much greater things with it and create far larger fortunes by adding this or that feature, Clemens was just the person to share in his vision and fund its realization. Paige didn’t need much money at first, and with the capital already invested, he tinkered with his improvements for about four or five years; Hamersley and Clemens, in the meantime, were capitalizing the company and preparing to bring the perfected invention to market. By the time the Grant situation wrapped up, Clemens had every reason to believe incredible wealth was just around the corner, once the newspapers were informed that their types would no longer be set by hand. Several contracts had been made with Paige, and new attachments had been added to the machine. It seemed to need just one more thing, the justifier, which would eliminate the need for an extra worker. Paige wouldn’t settle for anything less, even though the extra worker’s salary was insignificant. He needed his machine to handle everything, and meanwhile, five valuable years had passed. Clemens, in his notes, mentions:

    End of 1885. Paige arrives at my house unheralded. I had seen
    little or nothing of him for a year or two. He said:

    “What will you complete the machine for?”

    “What will it cost?”

    “Twenty thousand dollars; certainly not over $30,000.”

    “What will you give?”

    “I'll give you half.”
 
    End of 1885. Paige arrives at my house unexpectedly. I hadn't seen much of him for a year or two. He said:

    “When will you finish the machine?”

    “What will it cost?”

    “Twenty thousand dollars; definitely not more than $30,000.”

    “What will you offer?”

    “I'll give you half.”

Clemens was “flush” at this time. His reading tour with Cable, the great sale of Huck Finn, the prospect of the Grant book, were rosy realities. He said:

Clemens was “flush” at this time. His reading tour with Cable, the huge success of Huck Finn, and the anticipation of the Grant book were all promising realities. He said:

    “I'll do it, but the limit must be $30,000.”
 
“I'll do it, but the limit has to be $30,000.”

They agreed to allow Hamersley a tenth interest for the money he had already invested and for legal advice.

They agreed to give Hamersley a 10% stake for the money he had already put in and for legal advice.

Hamersley consented readily enough, and when in February, 1886, the new contract was drawn they believed themselves heir to the millions of the Fourth Estate.

Hamersley agreed without hesitation, and when the new contract was signed in February 1886, they thought they were inheriting the millions of the Fourth Estate.

By this time F. G. Whitmore had come into Clemens's business affairs, and he did not altogether approve of the new contract. Among other things, it required that Clemens should not only complete the machine, but promote it, capitalize it commercially. Whitmore said:

By this point, F. G. Whitmore had gotten involved in Clemens's business dealings, and he wasn't completely on board with the new contract. Among other things, it stated that Clemens had to not only finish the machine but also market it and make it commercially viable. Whitmore said:

“Mr. Clemens, that clause can bankrupt you.”

“Mr. Clemens, that clause could ruin you financially.”

Clemens answered: “Never mind that, Whitmore; I've considered that. I can get a thousand men worth a million apiece to go in with me if I can get a perfect machine.”

Clemens replied, “Don’t worry about that, Whitmore; I’ve thought it through. I can get a thousand men who are worth a million each to join me if I can secure a flawless machine.”

He immediately began to calculate the number of millions he would be worth presently when the machine was completed and announced to the waiting world. He covered pages with figures that never ran short of millions, and frequently approached the billion mark. Colonel Sellers in his happiest moments never dreamed more lavishly. He obtained a list of all the newspapers in the United States and in Europe, and he counted up the machines that would be required by each. To his nephew, Sam Moffett, visiting him one day, he declared that it would take ten men to count the profits from the typesetter. He realized clearly enough that a machine which would set and distribute type and do the work of half a dozen men or more would revolutionize type composition. The fact that other inventors besides Paige were working quite as diligently and perhaps toward more simple conclusions did not disturb him. Rumors came of the Rogers machine and the Thorne machine and the Mergenthaler linotype, but Mark Twain only smiled. When the promoters of the Mergenthaler offered to exchange half their interests for a half interest in the Paige patent, to obtain thereby a wider insurance of success, it only confirmed his trust, and he let the golden opportunity go by.

He immediately started calculating how many millions he would be worth once the machine was finished and introduced to the eager world. He filled pages with figures that consistently reached into the millions, often approaching the billion mark. Colonel Sellers, at his most optimistic, never imagined more extravagantly. He got a list of all the newspapers in the United States and Europe and counted how many machines each would need. One day, he told his nephew, Sam Moffett, that it would take ten men just to count the profits from the typesetter. He understood well enough that a machine capable of setting and distributing type—and doing the work of at least six men—would change the face of typesetting. The fact that other inventors, besides Paige, were working just as hard and possibly toward simpler solutions didn’t bother him. Rumors circulated about the Rogers machine, the Thorne machine, and the Mergenthaler linotype, but Mark Twain just smiled. When the promoters of the Mergenthaler offered to trade half of their interests for a half interest in the Paige patent to ensure greater success, it only strengthened his confidence, and he let the golden opportunity slip away.

Clemens thinks the thirty thousand dollars lasted about a year. Then Paige confessed that the machine was still incomplete, but he said that four thousand dollars more would finish it, and that with ten thousand dollars he could finish it and give a big exhibition in New York. He had discarded the old machine altogether, it seems, and at Pratt & Whitney's shops was building a new one from the ground up—a machine of twenty thousand minutely exact parts, each of which must be made by expert hand workmanship after elaborate drawings and patterns even more expensive. It was an undertaking for a millionaire.

Clemens believes the thirty thousand dollars lasted about a year. Then Paige admitted that the machine was still not finished, but he claimed that four thousand dollars more would complete it, and that with ten thousand dollars he could finish it and hold a big exhibition in New York. He had completely abandoned the old machine, it seems, and at Pratt & Whitney's shops was building a new one from scratch—a machine made of twenty thousand precisely crafted parts, each of which had to be made by skilled artisans following detailed drawings and even more costly patterns. It was a project for a millionaire.

Paige offered to borrow from Clemens the amount needed, offering the machine as security. Clemens supplied the four thousand dollars, and continued to advance money from time to time at the rate of three to four thousand dollars a month, until he had something like eighty thousand dollars invested, with the machine still unfinished. This would be early in 1888, by which time other machines had reached a state of completion and were being placed on the market. The Mergenthaler, in particular, was attracting wide attention. Paige laughed at it, and Clemens, too, regarded it as a joke. The moment their machine was complete all other machines would disappear. Even the fact that the Tribune had ordered twenty-three of the linotypes, and other journals were only waiting to see the paper in its new dress before ordering, did not disturb them. Those linotypes would all go into the scrap-heap presently. It was too bad people would waste their money so. In January, 1888, Paige promised that the machine would be done by the 1st of April. On the 1st of April he promised it for September, but in October he acknowledged there were still eighty-five days' work to be done on it. In November Clemens wrote to Orion:

Paige suggested borrowing the amount from Clemens that he needed, using the machine as collateral. Clemens provided four thousand dollars and continued to lend money periodically at a rate of three to four thousand dollars a month, until he had invested around eighty thousand dollars, with the machine still incomplete. This was early in 1888, by which time other machines had been completed and were entering the market. The Mergenthaler, in particular, was gaining a lot of attention. Paige found it funny, and Clemens also thought it was a joke. They believed that once their machine was finished, all other machines would become obsolete. Even the fact that the Tribune had ordered twenty-three linotypes and other publications were just waiting to see the upgraded version before placing orders didn't faze them. They thought those linotypes would soon end up in the scrap heap. It was unfortunate that people would waste their money like that. In January 1888, Paige promised that the machine would be ready by April 1st. On April 1st, he pushed the deadline to September, but in October he admitted there were still eighty-five days of work left. In November, Clemens wrote to Orion:

The machine is apparently almost done—but I take no privileges on that account; it must be done before I spend a cent that can be avoided. I have kept this family on very short commons for two years and they must go on scrimping until the machine is finished, no matter how long that may be.

The machine is almost finished—but I’m not taking any chances on that; it has to be done before I spend any money that I don’t have to. I’ve kept this family on a tight budget for two years, and they have to keep cutting back until the machine is done, no matter how long that takes.

By the end of '88 the income from the books and the business and Mrs. Clemens's Elmira investments no longer satisfied the demands of the type-setter, in addition to the household expense, reduced though the latter was; and Clemens began by selling and hypothecating his marketable securities. The whole household interest by this time centered in the machine. What the Tennessee land had been to John and Jane Clemens and their children, the machine had now become to Samuel Clemens and his family. “When the machine is finished everything will be all right again” afforded the comfort of that long-ago sentence, “When the Tennessee land is sold.”

By the end of '88, the income from the books, the business, and Mrs. Clemens's Elmira investments no longer met the needs of the typesetter, along with the household expenses, which, though reduced, were still significant. Clemens started by selling and collateralizing his marketable securities. At this point, the entire focus of the household was on the machine. What the Tennessee land had been for John and Jane Clemens and their children, the machine had become for Samuel Clemens and his family. “Once the machine is finished, everything will be okay again” echoed the comfort of that long-ago phrase, “Once the Tennessee land is sold.”

They would have everything they wanted then. Mrs. Clemens planned benefactions, as was her wont. Once she said to her sister:

They would have everything they wanted then. Mrs. Clemens planned charitable acts, as she usually did. Once she said to her sister:

“How strange it will seem to have unlimited means, to be able to do whatever you want to do, to give whatever you want to give without counting the cost.”

“How strange it will seem to have unlimited resources, to be able to do whatever you want, to give whatever you want without worrying about the cost.”

Straight along through another year the three thousand dollars and more a month continued, and then on the 5th of January, 1889, there came what seemed the end—the machine and justifier were complete! In his notebook on that day Mark Twain set down this memorandum:

Straight through another year, the three thousand dollars and more a month kept coming in, and then on January 5, 1889, it seemed like the end—the machine and justifier were finally complete! On that day, Mark Twain made this note in his notebook:

                       EUREKA!

    Saturday, January 5, 1889-12.20 P.M. At this moment I have seen a
    line of movable type spaced and justified by machinery! This is the
    first time in the history of the world that this amazing thing has
    ever been done. Present:
    J. W. Paige, the inventor;
    Charles Davis, | Mathematical assistants
    Earll          | & mechanical
    Graham         | experts
    Bates, foreman, and S. L. Clemens.
    This record is made immediately after the prodigious event.
                       EUREKA!

    Saturday, January 5, 1889-12:20 PM. At this moment, I have witnessed a line of movable type that has been spaced and justified by machinery! This is the first time in history that such an incredible thing has occurred. Present:
    J. W. Paige, the inventor;
    Charles Davis, | Mathematical assistants
    Earll          | & mechanical
    Graham         | experts
    Bates, foreman, and S. L. Clemens.
    This record is made right after this extraordinary event.

Two days later he made another note:

Two days later, he wrote another note:

    Monday, January 7—4.45 P.m. The first proper name ever set by this
    new keyboard was William Shakspeare. I set it at the above hour; &
    I perceive, now that I see the name written, that I either
    misspelled it then or I've misspelled it now.

    The space-bar did its duty by the electric connections & steam &
    separated the two words preparatory to the reception of the space.
    Monday, January 7—4:45 PM. The first proper name I typed on this new keyboard was William Shakespeare. I typed it at the time mentioned above; now that I see the name written, I realize I either misspelled it back then or I’ve misspelled it now.

    The space bar worked as intended with the electric connections and steam, separating the two words in preparation for the space.

It seemed to him that his troubles were at an end. He wrote overflowing letters, such as long ago he had written about his first mining claims, to Orion and to other members of the family and to friends in America and Europe. One of these letters, written to George Standring, a London printer and publisher, also an author, will serve as an example.

It felt like his troubles were finally over. He wrote enthusiastic letters, similar to those he had sent years ago about his first mining claims, to Orion, other family members, and friends in America and Europe. One of these letters, addressed to George Standring, a London printer, publisher, and author, will serve as an example.

    The machine is finished! An hour and forty minutes ago a line of
    movable type was spaced and justified by machinery for the first
    time in the history of the world. And I was there to see.

    That was the final function. I had before seen the machine set
    type, automatically, and distribute type, and automatically
    distribute its eleven different thicknesses of spaces. So now I
    have seen the machine, operated by one individual, do the whole
    thing, and do it a deal better than any man at the case can do it.

    This is by far and away the most marvelous invention ever contrived
    by man. And it is not a thing of rags and patches; it is made of
    massive steel, and will last a century.

    She will do the work of six men, and do it better than any six men
    that ever stood at a case.

    The death-warrant of all other type-setting machines in this world
    was signed at 12.20 this afternoon, when that first line was shot
    through this machine and came out perfectly spaced and justified.
    And automatically, mind you.

    There was a speck of invisible dirt on one of those nonpareil types.
    Well, the machine allowed for that by inserting of its own accord a
    space which was the 5-1,000 of an inch thinner than it would have
    used if the dirt had been absent. But when I send you the details
    you will see that that's nothing for this machine to do; you'll see
    that it knows more and has got more brains than all the printers in
    the world put together.
    The machine is done! An hour and forty minutes ago, a line of movable type was spaced and justified by a machine for the first time in history. And I was there to witness it.

    That was the final step. I had already seen the machine set type automatically, distribute type, and automatically give out its eleven different thicknesses of spaces. So now I have seen the machine, operated by a single person, do the whole process, and do it way better than any human at the type case can do.

    This is by far the most amazing invention ever created by humans. And it’s not just thrown together; it’s made of solid steel and will last a century.

    It will do the work of six people, and do it better than any six people who ever worked at a type case.

    The death sentence for all other typesetting machines in the world was signed at 12:20 this afternoon, when that first line was shot through this machine and came out perfectly spaced and justified. And automatically, mind you.

    There was a tiny bit of invisible dirt on one of those nonpareil types. Well, the machine took care of that by automatically inserting a space that was 5-1,000 of an inch thinner than it would have used if the dirt hadn’t been there. But when I send you the details, you’ll see that this is nothing for this machine to handle; you’ll see that it understands more and has more intelligence than all the printers in the world put together.

His letter to Orion was more technical, also more jubilant. At the end he said:

His letter to Orion was more technical and also more cheerful. In the end, he said:

    All the witnesses made written record of the immense historical
    birth—the first justification of a line of movable type by
    machinery—& also set down the hour and the minute. Nobody had
    drank anything, & yet everybody seemed drunk. Well-dizzy,
    stupefied, stunned.

    All the other wonderful inventions of the human brain sink pretty
    nearly into commonplaces contrasted with this awful mechanical
    miracle. Telephones, telegraphs, locomotives, cotton-gins, sewing-
    machines, Babbage calculators, jacquard looms, perfecting presses,
    all mere toys, simplicities! The Paige Compositor marches alone and
    far in the land of human inventions.
All the witnesses recorded the monumental historical event—the first use of movable type by machines—and also noted the exact hour and minute. Nobody had drunk anything, yet everyone seemed intoxicated. They were all dizzy, confused, and astonished.

Compared to this incredible mechanical marvel, all the other amazing inventions of the human mind fade into insignificance. Telephones, telegraphs, locomotives, cotton gins, sewing machines, Babbage calculators, Jacquard looms, perfecting presses—these are all just toys, mere simplicities! The Paige Compositor stands alone and far ahead in the realm of human inventions.

In one paragraph of Orion's letter he refers to the machine as a “cunning devil, knowing more than any man that ever lived.” That was a profound truth, though not as he intended it. That creation of James Paige's brain reflected all the ingenuity and elusiveness of its creator, and added something on its own account. It was discovered presently that it had a habit of breaking the types. Paige said it was a trifling thing: he could fix it, but it meant taking down the machine, and that deadly expense of three thousand or four thousand dollars a month for the band of workmen and experts in Pratt & Whitney's machine shops did not cease. In February the machine was again setting and justifying type “to a hair,” and Whitmore's son, Fred, was running it at a rate of six thousand ems an hour, a rate of composition hitherto unknown in the history of the world. His speed was increased to eight thousand ems an hour by the end of the year, and the machine was believed to have a capacity of eleven thousand. No type-setter invented to this day could match it for accuracy and precision when it was in perfect order, but its point of perfection was apparently a vanishing point. It would be just reached, when it would suddenly disappear, and Paige would discover other needed corrections. Once, when it was apparently complete as to every detail; and running like a human thing, with such important customers as the New York Herald and other great papers ready to place their orders, Paige suddenly discovered that it required some kind of an air-blast, and it was all taken down again and the air-blast, which required months to invent and perfect, was added.

In one part of Orion's letter, he calls the machine a “cunning devil, knowing more than any man that ever lived.” That was a deep truth, though not in the way he meant. That creation from James Paige's mind showed all the cleverness and unpredictability of its creator, and added some uniqueness of its own. It was soon found that it had a tendency to break types. Paige said it was a minor issue: he could fix it, but it would require taking down the machine, and the hefty cost of three thousand or four thousand dollars a month for the team of workers and experts at Pratt & Whitney’s machine shops kept piling up. In February, the machine was once again setting and justifying type “to a hair,” with Whitmore’s son, Fred, operating it at a speed of six thousand ems an hour, a pace never seen before in history. By the end of the year, his speed had risen to eight thousand ems an hour, and the machine was thought to have the potential for eleven thousand. No typesetter created to this day could match it for accuracy and precision when it was functioning perfectly, but its ideal state seemed to be always just out of reach. It would seem to be right at its best, only to suddenly falter, leading Paige to find more corrections needed. Once, when it seemed to be perfect in every detail and running smoothly, with major clients like the New York Herald ready to place orders, Paige suddenly realized it needed some sort of air-blast, and the whole thing was taken apart again to add the air-blast, which took months to invent and refine.

But what is the use of remembering all these bitter details? The steady expense went on through another year, apparently increasing instead of diminishing, until, by the beginning of 1890, Clemens was finding it almost impossible to raise funds to continue the work. Still he struggled on. It was the old mining fascination—“a foot farther into the ledge and we shall strike the vein of gold.”

But what's the point of remembering all these painful details? The constant expenses continued for another year, seemingly growing instead of shrinking, until by early 1890, Clemens was finding it nearly impossible to gather the money needed to keep the project going. Still, he pressed on. It was the same old mining obsession—“just a little further into the rock and we’ll hit the gold vein.”

He sent for Joe Goodman to come and help him organize a capital-stock company, in which Senator Jones and John Mackay, old Comstock friends, were to be represented. He never for a moment lost faith in the final outcome, and he believed that if they could build their own factory the delays and imperfections of construction would be avoided. Pratt & Whitney had been obliged to make all the parts by hand. With their own factory the new company would have vast and perfect machinery dedicated entirely to the production of type-setters.

He called Joe Goodman to come and help him set up a capital-stock company, where Senator Jones and John Mackay, longtime Comstock acquaintances, would be involved. He never doubted the eventual success and believed that if they could build their own factory, they would avoid the delays and flaws in construction. Pratt & Whitney had been forced to make all the parts by hand. With their own factory, the new company would have large, advanced equipment entirely focused on producing type-setters.

Nothing short of two million dollars capitalization was considered, and Goodman made at least three trips from California to the East and labored with Jones and Mackay all that winter and at intervals during the following year, through which that “cunning devil,” the machine, consumed its monthly four thousand dollars—money that was the final gleanings and sweepings of every nook and corner of the strong-box and bank-account and savings of the Clemens family resources. With all of Mark Twain's fame and honors his life at this period was far from an enviable one. It was, in fact, a fevered delirium, often a veritable nightmare.

Nothing less than two million dollars in funding was considered, and Goodman made at least three trips from California to the East, working alongside Jones and Mackay throughout that winter and at various times during the following year. During this time, that “cunning devil,” the machine, devoured four thousand dollars a month—money that represented the last of the resources from the Clemens family's strongbox, bank account, and savings. Despite all of Mark Twain's fame and accolades, his life during this period was far from desirable. It was, in fact, a frantic struggle, often feeling like a genuine nightmare.

Reporters who approached him for interviews, little guessing what he was passing through, reported that Mark Twain's success in life had made him crusty and sour.

Reporters who approached him for interviews, not realizing what he was going through, said that Mark Twain's success in life had made him grumpy and bitter.

Goodman remembers that when they were in Washington, conferring with Jones, and had rooms at the Arlington, opening together, often in the night he would awaken to see a light burning in the next room and to hear Mark Twain's voice calling:

Goodman remembers that when they were in Washington, meeting with Jones, and staying at the Arlington, they would often wake up at night to see a light on in the next room and hear Mark Twain's voice calling:

“Joe, are you awake?”

“Hey Joe, are you awake?”

“Yes, Mark, what is it?”

“Yes, Mark, what’s up?”

“Oh, nothing, only I can't sleep. Won't you talk awhile? I know it's wrong to disturb you, but I am so d—d miserable that I can't help it.”

“Oh, nothing, I just can’t sleep. Will you talk for a bit? I know it's wrong to bother you, but I’m so damn miserable that I can’t help it.”

Whereupon he would get up and talk and talk, and pace the floor and curse the delays until he had refreshed himself, and then perhaps wallow in millions until breakfast-time.

Then he would get up and talk and talk, pacing the floor and cursing the delays until he felt better, and then maybe indulge in wealth until breakfast time.

Jones and Mackay, deeply interested, were willing to put up a reasonable amount of money, but they were unable to see a profit in investing so large a capital in a plant for constructing the machines.

Jones and Mackay, very interested, were ready to invest a reasonable amount of money, but they couldn't see any profit in putting so much capital into a facility for building the machines.

Clemens prepared estimates showing that the American business alone would earn thirty-five million dollars a year, and the European business twenty million dollars more. These dazzled, but they did not convince the capitalists. Jones was sincerely anxious to see the machine succeed, and made an engagement to come out to see it work, but a day or two before he was to come Paige was seized with an inspiration. The type-setter was all in parts when the day came, and Jones's visit had to be postponed. Goodman wrote that the fatal delay had “sicklied over the bloom” of Jones's original enthusiasm.

Clemens put together estimates showing that the American business alone would make thirty-five million dollars a year, while the European business would add another twenty million dollars. These figures wowed the investors, but they didn’t win them over. Jones genuinely wanted to see the machine succeed and arranged to come out and watch it in action, but a day or two before his visit, Paige had a sudden idea. On the day of the visit, the type-setter was still in pieces, so Jones's trip had to be postponed. Goodman wrote that the unfortunate delay had “sicklied over the bloom” of Jones's initial enthusiasm.

Yet Clemens seems never to have been openly violent with Paige. In the memorandum which he completed about this time he wrote:

Yet Clemens never appears to have been openly violent with Paige. In the memorandum he completed around this time, he wrote:

    Paige and I always meet on effusively affectionate terms, and yet he
    knows perfectly well that if I had him in a steel trap I would shut
    out all human succor and watch that trap until he died.
    Paige and I always meet in overly friendly ways, and yet he knows full well that if I had him in a steel trap, I would cut off all human help and watch that trap until he died.

He was grabbing at straws now. He offered a twentieth or a hundredth or a thousandth part of the enterprise for varying sums, ranging from one thousand to one hundred thousand dollars. He tried to capitalize his advance (machine) royalties, and did dispose of a few of these; but when the money came in for them he was beset by doubts as to the final outcome, and though at his wit's ends for further funds, he returned the checks to the friends who had sent them. One five-thousand-dollar check from a friend named Arnot, in Elmira, went back by the next mail. He was willing to sacrifice his own last penny, but he could not take money from those who were blindly backing his judgment only and not their own. He still had faith in Jones, faith which lasted up to the 13th of February, 1891. Then came a final letter, in which Jones said that he had canvassed the situation thoroughly with such men as Mackay, Don Cameron, Whitney, and others, with the result that they would have nothing to do with the machine. Whitney and Cameron, he said, were large stockholders in the Mergenthaler. Jones put it more kindly and more politely than that, and closed by saying that there could be no doubt as to the machine's future —an ambiguous statement. A letter from young Hall came about the same time, urging a heavy increase of capital in the business. The Library of American Literature, its leading feature, was handled on the instalment plan. The collections from this source were deferred driblets, while the bills for manufacture and promotion must be paid down in cash. Clemens realized that for the present at least the dream was ended. The family securities were exhausted. The book trade was dull; his book royalties were insufficient even to the demands of the household. He signed further notes to keep business going, left the matter of the machine in abeyance, and turned once more to the trade of authorship. He had spent in the neighborhood of one hundred and ninety thousand dollars on the typesetter—money that would better have been thrown into the Connecticut River, for then the agony had been more quickly over. As it was, it had shadowed many precious years.

He was really desperate now. He offered a small percentage of the project for various amounts, ranging from a thousand to a hundred thousand dollars. He tried to use his advance (machine) royalties and sold a few, but when the money came in, he was filled with doubts about the final outcome. Even though he was at his wit's end for more funds, he returned the checks to his friends who had sent them. One five-thousand-dollar check from a friend named Arnot in Elmira was sent back in the next mail. He was ready to give up his last penny, but he couldn't take money from those who were blindly trusting his judgment rather than their own. He still believed in Jones, a belief that lasted until February 13, 1891. Then he received a final letter in which Jones explained that he had thoroughly discussed the situation with people like Mackay, Don Cameron, Whitney, and others, but they wanted nothing to do with the machine. Jones noted that Whitney and Cameron were major shareholders in the Mergenthaler. He phrased it more kindly and politely, closing by saying there could be no doubt about the machine's future—which was a vague statement. Around the same time, a letter from young Hall urged for a significant increase in capital for the business. The Library of American Literature, its main feature, was managed on an installment plan. The income from this source came in small, delayed amounts, while the manufacturing and promotional bills needed to be paid in cash. Clemens realized that for the moment, the dream was over. The family assets were depleted. The book market was slow; his book royalties were not even enough to meet household expenses. He signed more notes to keep the business alive, put the machine issue aside, and turned back to writing. He had spent about a hundred and ninety thousand dollars on the typesetter—money that would have been better off tossed into the Connecticut River, since at least then the anguish would have ended more quickly. As it was, it had cast a shadow over many precious years.





CLXXV. “THE CLAIMANT”—LEAVING HARTFORD

For the first time in twenty years Mark Twain was altogether dependent on literature. He did not feel mentally unequal to the new problem; in fact, with his added store of experience, he may have felt himself more fully equipped for authorship than ever before. It had been his habit to write within his knowledge and observation. To a correspondent of this time he reviewed his stock in trade—

For the first time in twenty years, Mark Twain was completely reliant on writing for a living. He didn't feel mentally unprepared for the new challenge; in fact, with his accumulated experience, he might have felt more capable of being a writer than ever before. He usually wrote from his own knowledge and observations. In a letter to a correspondent at the time, he reflected on his resources—

   ... I confine myself to life with which I am familiar when
    pretending to portray life. But I confined myself to the boy-life
    out on the Mississippi because that had a peculiar charm for me, and
    not because I was not familiar with other phases of life. I was a
    soldier two weeks once in the beginning of the war, and was hunted
    like a rat the whole time. Familiar? My splendid Kipling himself
    hasn't a more burnt-in, hard-baked, and unforgetable familiarity
    with that death-on-the-pale-horse-with-hell-following-after, which
    is a raw soldier's first fortnight in the field—and which, without
    any doubt, is the most tremendous fortnight and the vividest he is
    ever going to see.

    Yes, and I have shoveled silver tailings in a quartz-mill a couple
    of weeks, and acquired the last possibilities of culture in that
    direction. And I've done “pocket-mining” during three months in the
    one little patch of ground in the whole globe where Nature conceals
    gold in pockets—or did before we robbed all of those pockets and
    exhausted, obliterated, annihilated the most curious freak Nature
    ever indulged in. There are not thirty men left alive who, being
    told there was a pocket hidden on the broad slope of a mountain,
    would know how to go and find it, or have even the faintest idea of
    how to set about it; but I am one of the possible 20 or 30 who
    possess the secret, and I could go and put my hand on that hidden
    treasure with a most deadly precision.

    And I've been a prospector, and know pay rock from poor when I find
    it—just with a touch of the tongue. And I've been a silver miner
    and know how to dig and shovel and drill and put in a blast. And so
    I know the mines and the miners interiorly as well as Bret Harte
    knows them exteriorly.

    And I was a newspaper reporter four years in cities, and so saw the
    inside of many things; and was reporter in a legislature two
    sessions and the same in Congress one session, and thus learned to
    know personally three sample bodies of the smallest minds and the
    selfishest souls and the cowardliest hearts that God makes.

    And I was some years a Mississippi pilot, and familiarly knew all
    the different kinds of steamboatmen—a race apart, and not like
    other folk.

    And I was for some years a traveling “jour” printer, and wandered
    from city to city—and so I know that sect familiarly.

    And I was a lecturer on the public platform a number of seasons and
    was a responder to toasts at all the different kinds of banquets
    —and so I know a great many secrets about audiences—secrets not to
    be got out of books, but only acquirable by experience.

    And I watched over one dear project of mine for years, spent a
    fortune on it, and failed to make it go—and the history of that
    would make a large book in which a million men would see themselves
    as in a mirror; and they would testify and say, Verily, this is not
    imagination; this fellow has been there—and after would they cast
    dust upon their heads, cursing and blaspheming.

    And I am a publisher, and did pay to one author's widow (General
    Grant's) the largest copyright checks this world has seen
    —aggregating more than L80,000 in the first year.

    And I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

    Now then: as the most valuable capital or culture or education
    usable in the building of novels is personal experience I ought to
    be well equipped for that trade.

    I surely have the equipment, a wide culture, and all of it real,
    none of it artificial, for I don't know anything about books.
... I stick to the life I'm familiar with when trying to represent life. I focused on the boyhood experience out on the Mississippi because it had a unique charm for me, not because I lacked knowledge of other aspects of life. I was a soldier for two weeks at the start of the war, and I was hunted like a rat the entire time. Familiar? My amazing Kipling couldn’t have a more intense, ingrained, and unforgettable familiarity with that terrifying experience of a raw soldier's first two weeks in the field—and without a doubt, that’s the most intense and vivid time he will ever witness.

Yes, I’ve shoveled silver tailings in a quartz mill for a couple of weeks and learned everything I could in that area. I’ve also done “pocket-mining” for three months in the one small spot on the planet where nature hides gold in pockets—or used to, before we took everything from those pockets and wiped out the most fascinating quirk of nature there ever was. There aren't even thirty men alive today who, if told there was a hidden pocket on a mountain’s broad slope, would know how to go find it or even have a clue about where to start; but I’m one of those 20 or 30 who knows the secret, and I could effortlessly locate that hidden treasure.

I’ve been a prospector, distinguishing pay rock from poor rock with just a touch of the tongue. I’ve worked as a silver miner and know how to dig, shovel, drill, and set off a blast. So, I understand the mines and miners as well as Bret Harte knows them from the outside.

I was a newspaper reporter for four years in cities, gaining insights into many things; I reported in a legislature for two sessions and the same in Congress for one session, which allowed me to get to know firsthand three samples of the smallest minds, the most selfish souls, and the most cowardly hearts God creates.

I spent years piloting on the Mississippi, becoming well-acquainted with all the different kinds of steamboat people—a unique group, different from others.

I worked as a traveling "jour" printer for several years, moving from city to city, which gave me insight into that world.

I spent a number of seasons as a public lecturer, responding to toasts at various banquets—so I know a lot about audiences, secrets that can’t be found in books, only learned through experience.

I nurtured a cherished project for years, spent a fortune on it, and ultimately failed to make it successful—a story that could fill a big book in which a million people would see themselves reflected; they’d agree, saying, "This isn’t imagination; this person has experienced it," and afterward, they would throw dust on their heads, cursing and complaining.

I’m a publisher, and I wrote the largest copyright checks this world has ever seen to one author’s widow (General Grant's)—totaling over £80,000 in the first year.

I’ve been an author for 20 years and a fool for 55.

So, as personal experience is the most valuable capital, culture, or education for building novels, I should be well-equipped for that trade.

I definitely have the tools—extensive real culture, none of it fake—because I don’t really know anything about books.

This generous bill of literary particulars was fully warranted. Mark Twain's equipment was equal to his occasions. It is true that he was no longer young, and that his health was not perfect, but his resolution and his energy had not waned.

This detailed account of literary matters was completely justified. Mark Twain's skills matched his opportunities. It's true that he was no longer young and his health wasn't great, but his determination and energy remained strong.

His need was imminent and he lost no time. He dug out from his pigeonholes such materials as he had in stock, selecting a few completed manuscripts for immediate disposal—among them his old article entitled, “Mental Telegraphy,” written in 1878, when he had hesitated to offer it, in the fear that it would not be accepted by the public otherwise than as a joke. He added to it now a supplement and sent it to Mr. Alden, of Harper's Magazine.

His need was urgent, and he wasted no time. He pulled together whatever materials he had on hand, picking out a few completed manuscripts for immediate use—among them his old article called "Mental Telepathy," written in 1878, when he had been reluctant to submit it, fearing it would only be taken as a joke. He added a supplement to it now and sent it to Mr. Alden at Harper's Magazine.

Psychic interest had progressed in twelve years; also Mark Twain had come to be rather more seriously regarded. The article was accepted promptly!—[The publication of this article created a good deal of a stir and resulted in the first general recognition of what later became known as Telepathy. A good many readers insisted on regarding the whole matter as one of Mark Twain's jokes, but its serious acceptance was much wider.]—The old sketch, “Luck,” also found its way to Harper's Magazine, and other manuscripts were looked over and furbished up with a view to their disposal. Even the history game was dragged from the dust of its retirement, and Hall was instructed to investigate its chance of profit.

Psychic interest had grown over the past twelve years, and Mark Twain was taken more seriously. The article was accepted right away!—[The publication of this article caused quite a stir and led to the first general acknowledgment of what later became known as Telepathy. Many readers insisted on seeing the whole thing as one of Mark Twain's jokes, but the serious acceptance was much broader.]—The old sketch, “Luck,” also made its way into Harper's Magazine, and other manuscripts were reviewed and polished up for potential publication. Even the history game was brought out of retirement, and Hall was tasked with exploring its potential for profit.

Then Mark Twain went to work in earnest. Within a week after the collapse of the Jones bubble he was hard at work on a new book—the transmigration of the old “Claimant” play into a novel.

Then Mark Twain got to work seriously. Within a week after the collapse of the Jones bubble, he was busy writing a new book—the transformation of the old “Claimant” play into a novel.

Ever since the appearance of the Yankee there had been what was evidently a concerted movement to induce him to write a novel with the theories of Henry George as the central idea. Letters from every direction had urged him to undertake such a story, and these had suggested a more serious purpose for the Claimant book. A motif in which there is a young lord who renounces his heritage and class to come to America and labor with his hands; who attends socialistic meetings at which men inspired by readings of 'Progress and Poverty' and 'Looking Backward' address their brothers of toil, could have in it something worth while. Clemens inserted portions of some of his discarded essays in these addresses, and had he developed this element further, and abandoned Colonel Sellers's materialization lunacies to the oblivion they had earned, the result might have been more fortunate.

Ever since the Yankee showed up, there had been a clear push for him to write a novel centered around the ideas of Henry George. Letters pouring in from all over urged him to take on such a story, suggesting a more serious direction for the Claimant book. A plot featuring a young lord who gives up his title and class to come to America and work with his hands, who attends socialist meetings where men inspired by readings of 'Progress and Poverty' and 'Looking Backward' speak to their fellow workers, could hold real significance. Clemens included parts of some of his discarded essays in these speeches, and if he had developed this concept further and left Colonel Sellers's bizarre materialization ideas behind, the outcome might have been more successful.

But his faith in the new Sellers had never died, and the temptation to use scenes from the abandoned play proved to be too strong to be resisted. The result was incongruous enough. The author, however, admired it amazingly at the time. He sent Howells stirring reports of his progress. He wrote Hall that the book would be ready soon and that there must be seventy-five thousand orders by the date of issue, “not a single one short of that.” Then suddenly, at the end of February, the rheumatism came back into his shoulder and right arm and he could hardly hold the pen. He conceived the idea of dictating into a phonograph, and wrote Howells to test this invention and find out as to terms for three months, with cylinders enough to carry one hundred and seventy-five thousand words.

But his belief in the new Sellers never faded, and the urge to use scenes from the abandoned play became too powerful to resist. The outcome was quite unusual. Nevertheless, the author was surprisingly impressed by it at the time. He sent Howells enthusiastic updates on his progress. He told Hall that the book would be ready soon and that there needed to be seventy-five thousand orders by the release date, “not a single one less.” Then suddenly, at the end of February, his rheumatism flared up again in his shoulder and right arm, making it difficult for him to hold the pen. He came up with the idea of dictating into a phonograph and wrote to Howells to test this invention and check the terms for three months, with enough cylinders to hold one hundred and seventy-five thousand words.

    I don't want to erase any of them. My right arm is nearly disabled
    by rheumatism, but I am bound to write this book (and sell 100,000
    copies of it-no, I mean 1,000,000—next fall). I feel sure I can
    dictate the book into a phonograph if I don't have to yell. I write
    2,000 words a day. I think I can dictate twice as many.

    But mind, if this is going to be too much trouble to you—go ahead
    and do it all the same.
    I don't want to get rid of any of them. My right arm is almost useless from arthritis, but I have to write this book (and sell 100,000 copies of it—no, I mean 1,000,000—next fall). I'm confident I can dictate the book into a recording device if I don’t have to shout. I write 2,000 words a day. I think I can dictate double that amount.

    But just so you know, if this is going to be too much trouble for you—go ahead and do it anyway.

Howells replied encouragingly. He had talked a letter into a phonograph and the phonograph man had talked his answer into it, after which the cylinder had been taken to a typewriter in the-next room and correctly written out. If a man had the “cheek” to dictate his story into a phonograph, Howells said, all the rest seemed perfectly easy.

Howells replied positively. He had spoken a letter into a phonograph, and the phonograph guy had recorded his response, after which the cylinder was taken to a typewriter in the next room and typed out correctly. If someone had the guts to dictate their story into a phonograph, Howells said, everything else seemed pretty simple.

Clemens ordered a phonograph and gave it a pretty fair trial. It was only a partial success. He said he couldn't write literature with it because it hadn't any ideas or gift for elaboration, but was just as matter-of-fact, compressive and unresponsive, grave and unsmiling as the devil—a poor audience.

Clemens ordered a phonograph and gave it a decent try. It was only a partial success. He said he couldn't write literature with it because it had no ideas or talent for elaboration, but was just as straightforward, restrictive, and unresponsive, serious and unsmiling as the devil— a terrible audience.

      I filled four dozen cylinders in two sittings, then I found I could have
      said it about as easy with the pen, and said it a deal better. Then I
      resigned.
    
      I filled four dozen cylinders in two sessions, then I realized I could have said it just as easily with a pen, and done a much better job. So I quit.

He did not immediately give it up. To relieve his aching arm he alternated the phonograph with the pen, and the work progressed rapidly. Early in May he was arranging for its serial disposition, and it was eventually sold for twelve thousand dollars to the McClure Syndicate, who placed it with a number of papers in America and with the Idler Magazine in England. W. M. Laffan, of the Sun, an old and tried friend, combined with McClure in the arrangement. Laffan also proposed to join with McClure in paying Mark Twain a thousand dollars each for a series of six European letters. This was toward the end of May, 1891, when Clemens had already decided upon a long European sojourn.

He didn't give up right away. To ease his sore arm, he switched between the phonograph and the pen, and the work moved along quickly. By early May, he was planning for it to be published in installments, and it ultimately sold for twelve thousand dollars to the McClure Syndicate, which distributed it to several newspapers in America and to the Idler Magazine in England. W. M. Laffan, from the Sun, an old and trusted friend, teamed up with McClure for the deal. Laffan also suggested that he and McClure each pay Mark Twain a thousand dollars for a series of six letters from Europe. This was towards the end of May 1891, when Clemens had already decided on a long trip to Europe.

There were several reasons why this was desirable. Neither Clemens nor his wife was in good health. Both of them were troubled with rheumatism, and a council of physicians had agreed that Mrs. Clemens had some disturbance of the heart. The death of Charles L. Webster in April—the fourth death among relatives in two years—had renewed her forebodings. Susy, who had been at Bryn Mawr, had returned far from well. The European baths and the change of travel it was believed would be beneficial to the family health. Furthermore, the maintenance of the Hartford home was far too costly for their present and prospective income. The house with its associations of seventeen incomparable years must be closed. A great period had ended.

There were several reasons why this was a good idea. Neither Clemens nor his wife was in good health. Both were dealing with rheumatism, and a group of doctors had determined that Mrs. Clemens had some heart issues. The death of Charles L. Webster in April—the fourth family death in two years—had heightened her worries. Susy, who had been at Bryn Mawr, returned not feeling well at all. It was thought that the European baths and the change of scenery would be good for the family's health. Additionally, keeping the Hartford home was way too expensive for their current and future income. The house, with its memories of seventeen amazing years, needed to be closed. A significant chapter had come to an end.

They arranged to sail on the 6th of June by the French line.—[On the Gascogne.]—Mrs. Crane was to accompany them, and came over in April to help in breaking the news to the servants. John and Ellen O'Neill (the gardener and his wife) were to remain in charge; places were found for George and Patrick. Katie Leary was retained to accompany the family. It was a sad dissolution.

They planned to set sail on June 6th with the French line.—[On the Gascogne.]—Mrs. Crane was going to join them and came over in April to help break the news to the staff. John and Ellen O'Neill (the gardener and his wife) would stay in charge; arrangements were made for George and Patrick. Katie Leary was kept on to travel with the family. It was a sad farewell.

The day came for departure and the carriage was at the door. Mrs. Clemens did not come immediately. She was looking into the rooms, bidding a kind of silent good-by to the home she had made and to all its memories. Following the others she entered the carriage, and Patrick McAleer drove them together for the last time. They were going on a long journey. They did not guess how long, or that the place would never be home to them again.

The day had arrived for them to leave, and the carriage was waiting at the door. Mrs. Clemens didn't come out right away. She was looking into the rooms, silently saying goodbye to the home she had created and all its memories. After a moment, she got into the carriage with the others, and Patrick McAleer drove them together one last time. They were setting off on a long journey. They didn’t realize how long it would be or that this place would never feel like home to them again.





CLXXVI. A EUROPEAN SUMMER

They landed at Havre and went directly to Paris, where they remained about a week. From Paris Clemens wrote to Hall that a deal by which he had hoped to sell out his interest in the type-setter to the Mallorys, of the Churchman, had fallen through.

They arrived in Havre and immediately headed to Paris, where they stayed for about a week. From Paris, Clemens wrote to Hall that a deal he was counting on to sell his stake in the type-setter to the Mallorys of the Churchman had fallen through.

“Therefore,” he said, “you will have to modify your instalment system to meet the emergency of a constipated purse; for if you should need to borrow any more money I would not know how or where to raise it.”

“Therefore,” he said, “you’ll need to adjust your payment plan to deal with the situation of an empty wallet; because if you need to borrow more money, I wouldn’t know how or where to get it.”

The Clemens party went to Geneva, then rested for a time at the baths of Aix; from Aix to Bayreuth to attend the Wagner festival, and from Bayreuth to Marienbad for further additions of health. Clemens began writing his newspaper letters at Aix, the first of which consists of observations at that “paradise of rheumatics.” This letter is really a careful and faithful description of Aix-les-Bains, with no particular drift of humor in it. He tells how in his own case the baths at first developed plenty of pain, but that the subsequent ones removed almost all of it.

The Clemens party traveled to Geneva, then took some time to relax at the baths in Aix; after Aix, they went to Bayreuth for the Wagner festival, and from Bayreuth, they headed to Marienbad for more health treatments. Clemens started writing his newspaper letters in Aix, with the first being his observations of that “paradise of rheumatics.” This letter is actually a detailed and accurate description of Aix-les-Bains, without much humor in it. He shares how the baths initially caused him a lot of pain, but that later sessions relieved almost all of it.

“I've got back the use of my arm the last few days, and I am going away now,” he says, and concludes by describing the beautiful drives and scenery about Aix—the pleasures to be found paddling on little Lake Bourget and the happy excursions to Annecy.

“I've gotten back the use of my arm in the last few days, and I'm leaving now,” he says, finishing by talking about the beautiful drives and scenery around Aix—the joys of paddling on little Lake Bourget and the fun trips to Annecy.

    At the end of an hour you come to Annecy and rattle through its old
    crooked lanes, built solidly up with curious old houses that are a
    dream of the Middle Ages, and presently you come to the main object
    of your trip—Lake Annecy. It is a revelation. It is a miracle.
    It brings the tears to a body's eyes. It is so enchanting. That is
    to say, it affects you just as all other things that you instantly
    recognize as perfect affect you—perfect music, perfect eloquence,
    perfect art, perfect joy, perfect grief.
    After an hour, you arrive in Annecy and navigate its old, winding streets, lined with fascinating old houses that seem straight out of the Middle Ages. Soon, you reach the main highlight of your trip—Lake Annecy. It's breathtaking. It's incredible. It brings tears to your eyes. It's so beautiful. In other words, it moves you just like everything else that you immediately recognize as perfect—perfect music, perfect speech, perfect art, perfect joy, perfect sorrow.

He was getting back into his old descriptive swing, but his dislike for travel was against him, and he found writing the letters hard. From Bayreuth he wrote “At the Shrine of St. Wagner,” one of the best descriptions of that great musical festival that has been put into words. He paid full tribute to the performance, also to the Wagner devotion, confessing its genuineness.

He was getting back into his old descriptive style, but his dislike for travel made it difficult, and he found writing the letters challenging. From Bayreuth, he wrote "At the Shrine of St. Wagner," one of the best descriptions of that great music festival that has ever been written. He fully acknowledged the performance and also recognized the dedication to Wagner, admitting its authenticity.

    This opera of “Tristan and Isolde” last night broke the hearts of
    all witnesses who were of the faith, and I know of some, and have
    heard of many, who could not sleep after it, but cried the night
    away. I feel strongly out of place here. Sometimes I feel like the
    one sane person in the community of the mad; sometimes I feel like
    the one blind man where all others see; the one groping savage in
    the college of the learned, and always during service I feel like a
    heretic in heaven.
    This opera of “Tristan and Isolde” last night shattered the hearts of everyone who believed in it, and I know some, and have heard of many, who couldn’t sleep afterward and cried the night away. I feel very out of place here. Sometimes I feel like the only sane person in a community of the insane; sometimes I feel like the only blind person when everyone else can see; like the one lost person in a room full of educated people, and always during the service, I feel like a heretic in heaven.

He tells how he really enjoyed two of the operas, and rejoiced in supposing that his musical regeneration was accomplished and perfected; but alas! he was informed by experts that those particular events were not real music at all. Then he says:

He shares how much he loved two of the operas and was excited to think that his musical transformation was complete; but unfortunately, experts told him that those specific experiences weren't real music at all. Then he says:

    Well, I ought to have recognized the sign the old, sure sign that
    has never failed me in matters of art. Whenever I enjoy anything in
    art it means that it is mighty poor. The private knowledge of this
    fact has saved me from going to pieces with enthusiasm in front of
    many and many a chromo. However, my base instinct does bring me
    profit sometimes; I was the only man out of 3,200 who got his money
    back on those two operas.
    Well, I should have seen the sign, the old, reliable sign that has never let me down when it comes to art. Whenever I really like something in art, it means it’s pretty bad. Knowing this fact has kept me from losing my mind with excitement in front of countless cheap prints. However, my instinct does pay off sometimes; I was the only person out of 3,200 who got a refund on those two operas.

His third letter was from Marienbad, in Bohemia, another “health-factory,” as he calls it, and is of the same general character as those preceding. In his fourth letter he told how he himself took charge of the family fortunes and became courier from Aix to Bayreuth. It is a very delightful letter, most of it, and probably not greatly burlesqued or exaggerated in its details. It is included now in the “Complete Works,” as fresh and delightful as ever. They returned to Germany at the end of August, to Nuremberg, which he notes as the “city of exquisite glimpses,” and to Heidelberg, where they had their old apartment of thirteen years before, Room 40 at the Schloss Hotel, with its wonderful prospect of wood and hill, and the haze-haunted valley of the Rhine. They remained less than a week in that beautiful place, and then were off for Switzerland, Lucerne, Brienz, Interlaken, finally resting at the Hotel Beau Rivage, Ouchy, Lausanne, on beautiful Lake Leman.

His third letter was from Marienbad in Bohemia, another “health factory,” as he calls it, and it's similar in nature to the ones before. In his fourth letter, he shared how he took charge of the family finances and became a courier from Aix to Bayreuth. It's a really enjoyable letter, mostly, and probably not overly exaggerated in its details. It's now included in the “Complete Works,” as fresh and delightful as ever. They returned to Germany at the end of August, to Nuremberg, which he refers to as the “city of exquisite glimpses,” and to Heidelberg, where they had their old apartment from thirteen years earlier, Room 40 at the Schloss Hotel, with its amazing view of woodlands and hills, and the misty valley of the Rhine. They stayed there for less than a week in that beautiful place before heading off to Switzerland, visiting Lucerne, Brienz, Interlaken, and finally settling at the Hotel Beau Rivage in Ouchy, Lausanne, on the stunning Lake Leman.

Clemens had agreed to write six of the newspaper letters, and he had by this time finished five of them, the fifth being dated from Interlaken, its subject, “Switzerland, the Cradle of Liberty.” He wrote to Hall that it was his intention to write another book of travel and to take a year or two to collect the material. The Century editors were after him for a series after the style of Innocents Abroad. He considered this suggestion, but declined by cable, explaining to Hall that he intended to write for serial publication no more than the six newspaper letters. He said:

Clemens had agreed to write six letters for the newspaper, and by this time, he had completed five of them, with the fifth one dated from Interlaken, titled “Switzerland, the Cradle of Liberty.” He told Hall that he planned to write another travel book and to spend a year or two gathering the material. The editors at Century were pushing him for a series similar to Innocents Abroad. He thought about this suggestion but ultimately declined via telegram, explaining to Hall that he would only write the six newspaper letters for serial publication. He said:

    To write a book of travel would be less trouble than to write six
    detached chapters. Each of these letters requires the same variety
    of treatment and subject that one puts into a book; but in the book
    each chapter doesn't have to be rounded and complete in itself.
    Writing a travel book would be less trouble than writing six separate chapters. Each of these letters needs the same range of treatment and topics as a book; but in a book, each chapter doesn't have to be fully rounded and complete on its own.

He suggested that the six letters be gathered into a small volume which would contain about thirty-five or forty thousand words, to be sold as low as twenty-five cents, but this idea appears to have been dropped.

He proposed that the six letters be compiled into a small book that would have about thirty-five to forty thousand words, priced as low as twenty-five cents, but this idea seems to have been abandoned.

At Ouchy Clemens conceived the idea of taking a little trip on his own account, an excursion that would be a rest after the strenuous three months' travel and sightseeing—one that he could turn into literature. He engaged Joseph Very, a courier used during their earlier European travels, and highly recommended in the Tramp Abroad. He sent Joseph over to Lake Bourget to engage a boat and a boatman for a ten days' trip down the river Rhone. For five dollars Joseph bought a safe, flat-bottom craft; also he engaged the owner as pilot. A few days later—September 19—Clemens followed. They stopped overnight on an island in Lake Bourget, and in his notes Clemens tells how he slept in the old castle of Chatillon, in the room where a pope was born. They started on their drift next morning. To Mrs. Clemens, in some good-by memoranda, he said:

At Ouchy, Clemens came up with the idea of taking a little trip on his own, a getaway that would be a break after the exhausting three months of travel and sightseeing—one that he could turn into writing. He hired Joseph Very, a courier they had used during their previous travels in Europe, who was highly recommended in *The Tramp Abroad*. He sent Joseph over to Lake Bourget to rent a boat and find a boatman for a ten-day trip down the Rhône River. For five dollars, Joseph bought a stable, flat-bottomed craft and also hired the owner as the captain. A few days later—September 19—Clemens followed. They spent the night on an island in Lake Bourget, and in his notes, Clemens describes how he slept in the old castle of Chatillon, in the room where a pope was born. They set off on their journey the next morning. To Mrs. Clemens, in some farewell notes, he wrote:

    The lake is as smooth as glass; a brilliant sun is shining.

    Our boat is so comfortable and shady with its awning.

    11.20. We have crossed the lake and are entering the canal. Shall
    presently be in the Rhone.

    Noon. Nearly down to the Rhone, passing the village of Chanaz.

    Sunday, 3.15 P.M. We have been in the Rhone three hours. It
    is unimaginably still & reposeful & cool & soft & breezy. No rowing
    or work of any kind to do—we merely float with the current we glide
    noiseless and swift—as fast as a London cab-horse rips along—8
    miles an hour—the swiftest current I've ever boated in. We have the
    entire river to ourselves nowhere a boat of any kind.
    The lake is as smooth as glass; the sun is shining brightly.

    Our boat is super comfortable and shady with its awning.

    11.20. We’ve crossed the lake and are entering the canal. We’ll be in the Rhone soon.

    Noon. Almost to the Rhone, passing the village of Chanaz.

    Sunday, 3:15 P.M. We’ve been on the Rhone for three hours. It’s unbelievably calm, peaceful, cool, soft, and breezy. There’s no rowing or work to do—we're just floating with the current, gliding silently and quickly—just like a London cab horse racing along—8 miles an hour—it's the fastest current I’ve ever boated in. We have the whole river to ourselves; there isn’t a single other boat in sight.

Pleasant it must have been in the warm September days to go swinging down that swift, gray stream which comes racing out of Switzerland into France, fed from a thousand glaciers. He sent almost daily memoranda of his progress. Half-way to Arles he wrote:

Pleasant it must have been in the warm September days to go swinging down that swift, gray stream that races out of Switzerland into France, fed by a thousand glaciers. He sent almost daily updates on his progress. Halfway to Arles, he wrote:

    It's too delicious, floating with the swift current under the
    awning these superb, sunshiny days in deep peace and quietness.

    Some of these curious old historical towns strangely persuade me,
    but it is so lovely afloat that I don't stop, but view them from the
    outside and sail on. We get abundance of grapes and peaches for
    next to nothing. My, but that inn was suffocating with garlic where
    we stayed last night! I had to hold my nose as we went up-stairs or
    I believe I should have fainted.

    Little bit of a room, rude board floor unswept, 2 chairs, unpainted
    white pine table—void the furniture! Had a good firm bed, solid as
    a rock, & you could have brained an ox with the bolster.

    These six hours have been entirely delightful. I want to do all the
    rivers of Europe in an open boat in summer weather.
    It's so delicious, drifting with the fast current under the 
    awning on these amazing, sunny days in total peace and quiet.

    Some of these fascinating old historical towns strangely entice me, 
    but it’s so beautiful on the water that I don’t stop; I just admire them from the 
    outside and keep sailing. We get tons of grapes and peaches for next to nothing. Wow, that inn was filled with garlic where 
    we stayed last night! I had to hold my nose as we went upstairs or 
    I think I would have passed out.

    Tiny little room, rough wooden floor that wasn’t swept, 2 chairs, unpainted 
    white pine table—empty of furniture! Had a solid bed, as firm as a rock, and 
    you could have knocked out an ox with the pillow.

    These six hours have been completely delightful. I want to explore all the 
    rivers of Europe in an open boat during the summer.

Still further along he described one of their shore accommodations.

Still further along, he described one of their beachfront accommodations.

    Night caught us yesterday where we had to take quarters in a
    peasant's house which was occupied by the family and a lot of cows &
    calves, also several rabbits.—[His word for fleas. Neither fleas
    nor mosquitoes ever bit him—probably because of his steady use of
    tobacco.]—The latter had a ball & I was the ballroom; but they
    were very friendly and didn't bite.

    The peasants were mighty kind and hearty & flew around & did their
    best to make us comfortable. This morning I breakfasted on the
    shore in the open air with two sociable dogs & a cat. Clean cloth,
    napkins & table furniture, white sugar, a vast hunk of excellent
    butter, good bread, first-class coffee with pure milk, fried fish
    just caught. Wonderful that so much cleanliness should come out of
    such a phenomenally dirty house.

    An hour ago we saw the Falls of the Rhone, a prodigiously rough and
    dangerous-looking place; shipped a little water, but came to no
    harm. It was one of the most beautiful pieces of piloting & boat
    management I ever saw. Our admiral knew his business.

    We have had to run ashore for shelter every time it has rained
    heretofore, but Joseph has been putting in his odd time making a
    waterproof sun-bonnet for the boat, & now we sail along dry,
    although we have had many heavy showers this morning.
    Night caught us yesterday, and we had to take shelter in a peasant's house, which was occupied by the family, along with a lot of cows and calves, and several rabbits. —[His term for fleas. Neither fleas nor mosquitoes ever bit him—probably because he constantly used tobacco.]—The rabbits were playful, and I was the dance floor; but they were very friendly and didn't bite.

    The peasants were incredibly kind and welcoming and did everything they could to make us comfortable. This morning, I had breakfast by the shore in the open air with two friendly dogs and a cat. There was a clean tablecloth, napkins, and tableware, white sugar, a large chunk of excellent butter, good bread, top-quality coffee with fresh milk, and freshly caught fried fish. It's amazing that so much cleanliness could come from such a remarkably dirty house.

    An hour ago, we saw the Falls of the Rhone, which looked incredibly rough and dangerous; we took on a little water but came to no harm. It was one of the most impressive displays of piloting and boat handling I’ve ever seen. Our captain really knew his stuff.

    We've had to run ashore for shelter every time it has rained until now, but Joseph has been spending his spare time making a waterproof sun bonnet for the boat, and now we’re sailing along dry, even though we’ve had many heavy showers this morning.

Here follows a pencil-drawing of the boat and its new awning, and he adds: “I'm on the stern, under the shelter, and out of sight.”

Here’s a pencil sketch of the boat and its new awning, and he adds: “I’m at the back, under the cover, and out of view.”

The trip down the Rhone proved more valuable as an outing than as literary material. Clemens covered one hundred and seventy-four pages with his notes of it, then gave it up. Traveling alone with no one but Joseph and the Admiral (former owner of the craft) was reposeful and satisfactory, but it did not inspire literary flights. He tried to rectify the lack of companionship by introducing fictitious characters, such as Uncle Abner, Fargo, and Stavely, a young artist; also Harris, from the Tramp Abroad; but Harris was not really there this time, and Mark Twain's genius, given rather to elaboration than to construction, found it too severe a task to imagine a string of adventures without at least the customary ten per cent. of fact to build upon.

The trip down the Rhone turned out to be more enjoyable as an outing than as material for writing. Clemens filled one hundred and seventy-four pages with his notes about it, then decided to stop. Traveling alone, with only Joseph and the Admiral (the previous owner of the boat), was relaxing and satisfying, but it didn’t spark any literary inspiration. He tried to make up for the lack of company by creating fictional characters like Uncle Abner, Fargo, and Stavely, a young artist; also Harris, from The Tramp Abroad; but Harris wasn’t really there this time, and Mark Twain’s talent for elaboration, rather than construction, made it too difficult for him to dream up a series of adventures without at least the usual ten percent of fact to work with.

It was a day above Avignon that he had an experience worth while. They were abreast of an old castle, nearing a village, one of the huddled jumble of houses of that locality, when, glancing over his left shoulder toward the distant mountain range, he received what he referred to later as a soul-stirring shock. Pointing to the outline of the distant range he said to the courier:

It was a day above Avignon when he had a memorable experience. They were next to an old castle, getting close to a village, one of the clustered little houses of the area, when, looking over his left shoulder at the distant mountain range, he felt what he later called a soul-stirring shock. Pointing to the outline of the faraway range, he said to the courier:

“Name it. Who is it?”

“What's the name? Who is it?”

The courier said, “Napoleon.”

The courier said, “Napoleon.”

Clemens assented. The Admiral, when questioned, also promptly agreed that the mountain outlined was none other than the reclining figure of the great commander himself. They watched and discussed the phenomenon until they reached the village. Next morning Clemens was up for a first daybreak glimpse of his discovery. Later he reported it to Mrs. Clemens:

Clemens agreed. The Admiral, when asked, also quickly confirmed that the mountain shape was none other than the reclining figure of the great commander himself. They observed and talked about the sight until they reached the village. The next morning, Clemens was up early to get a first look at his discovery. Later, he shared his findings with Mrs. Clemens:

    I did so long for you and Sue yesterday morning—the most superb
    sunrise—the most marvelous sunrise—& I saw it all, from the very
    faintest suspicion of the coming dawn, all the way through to the
    final explosion of glory. But it had an interest private to itself
    & not to be found elsewhere in the world; for between me & it, in
    the far-distant eastward, was a silhouetted mountain range, in which
    I had discovered, the previous afternoon, a most noble face upturned
    to the sky, & mighty form outstretched, which I had named Napoleon
    Dreaming of Universal Empire—& now this prodigious face, soft,
    rich, blue, spirituelle, asleep, tranquil, reposeful, lay against
    that giant conflagration of ruddy and golden splendors, all rayed
    like a wheel with the up-streaming & far-reaching lances of the sun.
    It made one want to cry for delight, it was so supreme in its
    unimaginable majesty & beauty.
    I missed you and Sue so much yesterday morning—the most beautiful sunrise—the most amazing sunrise—and I witnessed it all, from the very first hint of dawn to the final burst of colors. But it held a special significance all its own, something you won’t find anywhere else in the world; for between me and it, in the far-off east, was a mountain range silhouetted against the sky, where the day before I had discovered a magnificent face turned upwards, and a mighty form stretched out, which I had named Napoleon Dreaming of Universal Empire—and now this incredible face, soft, deep blue, ethereal, asleep, peaceful, rested against that massive display of fiery and golden brilliance, all radiated like a wheel with the sun’s lances shooting upward and far-reaching. It made you want to cry out with joy; it was so perfect in its unimaginable grandeur and beauty.

He made a pencil-sketch of the Napoleon head in his note-book, and stated that the apparition could be seen opposite the castle of Beauchastel; but in later years his treacherous memory betrayed him, and, forgetting these identifying marks, he told of it as lying a few hours above Arles, and named it the “Lost Napoleon,” because those who set out to find it did not succeed. He even wrote an article upon the subject, in which he urged tourists to take steamer from Arles and make a short trip upstream, keeping watch on the right-hand bank, with the purpose of rediscovering the natural wonder. Fortunately this sketch was not published. It would have been set down as a practical joke by disappointed travelers. One of Mark Twain's friends, Mr. Theodore Stanton, made a persistent effort to find the Napoleon, but with the wrong directions naturally failed.

He sketched a pencil drawing of the Napoleon head in his notebook and said that the sighting could be seen across from the castle of Beauchastel. However, in later years, his unreliable memory let him down, and forgetting those identifying details, he described it as being a few hours above Arles, calling it the "Lost Napoleon" because those who set out to find it didn’t succeed. He even wrote an article about it, encouraging tourists to take a steamer from Arles for a short trip upstream, keeping an eye on the right bank in hopes of rediscovering the natural wonder. Fortunately, this sketch was never published, as it would have been dismissed as a practical joke by disappointed travelers. One of Mark Twain's friends, Mr. Theodore Stanton, made a determined effort to find the Napoleon but naturally failed due to the incorrect directions.

It required ten days to float to Arles. Then the current gave out and Clemens ended the excursion and returned to Lausanne by rail. He said:

It took ten days to drift to Arles. Then the current stopped, and Clemens wrapped up the trip and took the train back to Lausanne. He said:

“It was twenty-eight miles to Marseilles, and somebody would have to row. That would not have been pleasure; it would have meant work for the sailor, and I do not like work even when another person does it.”

“It was twenty-eight miles to Marseilles, and someone would have to row. That wouldn’t be enjoyable; it would just mean more work for the sailor, and I don’t like doing work even when someone else is doing it.”

To Twichell in America he wrote:

To Twichell in America, he wrote:

    You ought to have been along—I could have made room for you easily,
    & you would have found that a pedestrian tour in Europe doesn't
    begin with a raft voyage for hilarity & mild adventure & intimate
    contact with the unvisited native of the back settlements &
    extinction from the world and newspapers & a conscience in a state
    of coma & lazy comfort & solid happiness. In fact, there's nothing
    that's so lovely.
You should have come along—I could have easily made space for you, and you would have seen that a walking tour in Europe doesn't start with a raft trip for fun and light adventure and close encounters with the locals from remote areas, cut off from the world and newspapers, with a conscience in deep sleep and relaxed comfort and true happiness. Honestly, there's nothing quite as wonderful.
      But it's all over. I gave the raft away yesterday at Arles & am
      loafing along back by short stages on the rail to Ouchy, Lausanne, where
      the tribe are staying at the Beau Rivage and are well and prosperous.
    
      But it's all over. I gave the raft away yesterday in Arles and am
      taking my time getting back on the train to Ouchy, Lausanne, where
      the family is staying at the Beau Rivage and is doing well.




CLXXVII. KORNERSTRASSE,7

They had decided to spend the winter in Berlin, and in October Mrs. Clemens and Mrs. Crane, after some previous correspondence with an agent, went up to that city to engage an apartment. The elevator had not reached the European apartment in those days, and it was necessary, on Mrs. Clemens's account, to have a ground floor. The sisters searched a good while without success, and at last reached Kornerstrasse, a short, secluded street, highly recommended by the agent. The apartment they examined in Kornerstrasse was Number 7, and they were so much pleased with the conveniences and comfort of it and so tired that they did not notice closely its general social environment. The agent supplied an assortment of furniture for a consideration, and they were soon settled in the attractive, roomy place. Clemens and the children, arriving somewhat later, expressed themselves as satisfied.

They decided to spend the winter in Berlin, so in October, Mrs. Clemens and Mrs. Crane, after exchanging some emails with an agent, traveled to the city to find an apartment. Back then, elevators hadn’t made it to European apartments yet, so it was important to find a ground floor place for Mrs. Clemens. The sisters searched for a while with no luck and finally arrived at Kornerstrasse, a short, quiet street highly recommended by the agent. The apartment they looked at on Kornerstrasse was Number 7, and they were so pleased with its amenities and comfort, and so tired, that they didn’t pay much attention to the overall social vibe of the area. The agent provided an array of furniture for a fee, and they quickly got settled into the appealing, spacious place. Clemens and the kids arrived a bit later and were pleased with the choice.

Their contentment was somewhat premature. When they began to go out socially, which was very soon, and friends inquired as to their location, they noticed that the address produced a curious effect. Semi-acquaintances said, “Ah, yes, Kornerstrasse”; acquaintances said, “Dear me, do you like it?” An old friend exclaimed, “Good gracious! How in the world did you ever come to locate there?” Then they began to notice what they had not at first seen. Kornerstrasse was not disreputable, but it certainly was not elegant. There were rag warehouses across the street and women who leaned out the windows to gossip. The street itself was thronged with children. They played on a sand pile and were often noisy and seldom clean. It was eminently not the place for a distinguished man of letters. The family began to be sensitive on the subject of their address.

Their happiness was a bit premature. When they started going out socially, which happened pretty soon, and friends asked about their location, they noticed that the address had a strange effect. Casual acquaintances said, “Oh, right, Kornerstrasse”; acquaintances said, “Wow, do you like it?” An old friend exclaimed, “Goodness! How in the world did you end up there?” Then they began to see what they hadn’t noticed at first. Kornerstrasse wasn’t seedy, but it definitely wasn’t upscale. There were rag warehouses across the street and women leaning out the windows to chat. The street itself was crowded with kids. They played in a sand pile and were often loud and rarely clean. It was definitely not the place for a distinguished writer. The family started to feel sensitive about their address.

Clemens, of course, made humor out of it. He wrote a newspaper letter on the subject, a burlesque, naturally, which the family prevailed upon him not to print. But the humiliation is out of it now, and a bit of its humor may be preserved. He takes upon himself the renting of the place, and pictures the tour of inspection with the agent's assistant.

Clemens, of course, found humor in it. He wrote a satirical letter to the newspaper about it, which his family insisted he shouldn’t publish. But the embarrassment is behind them now, and a touch of its humor can be kept. He takes on the task of renting the place and imagines the walkthrough with the agent’s assistant.

He was greatly moved when they came to the street and said, softly and lovingly:

He was deeply touched when they arrived on the street and said, gently and with affection:

    “Ah, Korner Street, Korner Street, why did I not think of you
    before! A place fit for the gods, dear sir. Quiet?—notice how
    still it is; and remember this is noonday—noonday. It is but one
    block long, you see, just a sweet, dear little nest hid away here in
    the heart of the great metropolis, its presence and its sacred quiet
    unsuspected by the restless crowds that swarm along the stately
    thoroughfares yonder at its two extremities. And——”

    “This building is handsome, but I don't think much of the others.
    They look pretty commonplace, compared with the rest of Berlin.”

    “Dear! dear! have you noticed that? It is just an affectation of
    the nobility. What they want——”

    “The nobility? Do they live in——”

    “In this street? That is good! very good, indeed! I wish the Duke
    of Sassafras-Hagenstein could hear you say that. When the Duke
    first moved in here he——”

    “Does he live in this street?”

    “Him! Well, I should say so! Do you see the big, plain house over
    there with the placard in the third floor window? That's his
    house.”

    “The placard that says 'Furnished rooms to let'? Does he keep
    boarders?”

    “What an idea! Him! With a rent-roll of twelve hundred thousand
    marks a year? Oh, positively this is too good.”

    “Well, what does he have that sign up for?”

    The assistant took me by the buttonhole & said, with a merry light
    beaming in his eye:

    “Why, my dear sir, a person would know you are new to Berlin just by
    your innocent questions. Our aristocracy, our old, real, genuine
    aristocracy, are full of the quaintest eccentricities,
    eccentricities inherited for centuries, eccentricities which they
    are prouder of than they are of their titles, and that sign-board
    there is one of them. They all hang them out. And it's regulated
    by an unwritten law. A baron is entitled to hang out two, a count
    five, a duke fifteen——”

    “Then they are all dukes over on that side, I sup——”

    “Every one of them. Now the old Duke of Backofenhofenschwartz not
    the present Duke, but the last but one, he——”

    “Does he live over the sausage-shop in the cellar?”

    “No, the one farther along, where the eighteenth yellow cat is
    chewing the door-mat——”

    “But all the yellow cats are chewing the door-mats.”

    “Yes, but I mean the eighteenth one. Count. No, never mind;
    there's a lot more come. I'll get you another mark. Let me see—-”
 
    “Ah, Korner Street, Korner Street, why didn’t I think of you before! A place fit for the gods, my friend. Quiet?—notice how still it is; and remember this is midday—midday. It’s just one block long, you see, just a lovely little hideaway in the heart of the great city, its presence and its sacred quiet unnoticed by the restless crowds that throng the grand avenues at either end. And—”

    “This building is nice, but I’m not impressed by the others. They look pretty ordinary compared to the rest of Berlin.”

    “Oh dear! Have you noticed that? It’s just a pretense of the nobility. What they want—”

    “The nobility? Do they live in—”

    “In this street? That’s rich! Really good! I wish the Duke of Sassafras-Hagenstein could hear you say that. When the Duke first moved in here he—”

    “Does he live on this street?”

    “Him! I would think so! Do you see the big, plain house over there with the sign in the third-floor window? That’s his house.”

    “The sign that says 'Furnished rooms to let'? Does he have boarders?”

    “What a thought! Him! With an income of twelve hundred thousand marks a year? Oh, this is just too much.”

    “Well, what’s the point of that sign then?”

    The assistant took me by the lapel and said, with a cheerful sparkle in his eye: 

    “Well, my dear sir, you can tell you’re new to Berlin just by your innocent questions. Our aristocracy, our old, true, genuine aristocracy, is full of the quirkiest eccentricities, eccentricities passed down for centuries, eccentricities which they take more pride in than their titles, and that signboard is one of them. They all put them out. And it operates under an unwritten rule. A baron can display two, a count five, a duke fifteen—”

    “So they’re all dukes on that side, I assume—”

    “Every single one of them. Now the old Duke of Backofenhofenschwartz—not the current Duke, but the last one, he—”

    “Does he live above the sausage shop in the basement?”

    “No, the one further down, where the eighteenth yellow cat is chewing the doormat—”

    “But all the yellow cats are chewing the doormats.”

    “Yes, but I mean the eighteenth one. Count. No, never mind; there are plenty more coming. I’ll get you another mark. Let me see—”

They could not remain permanently in Komerstrasse, but they stuck it out till the end of December—about two months. Then they made such settlement with the agent as they could—that is to say, they paid the rest of their year's rent—and established themselves in a handsome apartment at the Hotel Royal, Unter den Linden. There was no need to be ashamed of this address, for it was one of the best in Berlin.

They couldn't stay permanently on Komerstrasse, but they held on until the end of December—about two months. Then they reached whatever agreement they could with the agent—that is, they paid the remainder of their yearly rent—and moved into a nice apartment at the Hotel Royal, Unter den Linden. There was no reason to be embarrassed by this address, as it was one of the best in Berlin.

As for Komerstrasse, it is cleaner now. It is still not aristocratic, but it is eminently respectable. There is a new post-office that takes in Number 7, where one may post mail and send telegrams and use the Fernsprecher—which is to say the telephone—and be politely treated by uniformed officials, who have all heard of Mark Twain, but have no knowledge of his former occupation of their premises.

As for Komerstrasse, it's cleaner now. It's still not upscale, but it is quite respectable. There's a new post office at Number 7, where you can mail letters, send telegrams, and use the telephone, and be treated politely by uniformed staff who all know about Mark Twain, but have no idea he used to be there.





CLXXVIII. A WINTER IN BERLIN

Clemens, meantime, had been trying to establish himself in his work, but his rheumatism racked him occasionally and was always a menace. Closing a letter to Hall, he said:

Clemens had been trying to establish himself in his work, but his rheumatism bothered him occasionally and was always a threat. In closing a letter to Hall, he said:

    “I must stop-my arm is howling.”
 
“I need to stop—my arm is screaming.”

He put in a good deal of time devising publishing schemes, principal among them being a plan for various cheap editions of his books, pamphlets, and such like, to sell for a few cents. These projects appear never to have been really undertaken, Hall very likely fearing that a flood of cheap issues would interfere with the more important trade. It seemed dangerous to trifle with an apparently increasing prosperity, and Clemens was willing enough to agree with this view.

He spent a lot of time coming up with publishing ideas, mainly a plan for different cheap editions of his books, pamphlets, and similar items, to sell for just a few cents. These projects never really got off the ground; Hall probably worried that a surge of cheap publications would disrupt the more significant market. It seemed risky to mess with what seemed like growing success, and Clemens was more than happy to agree with this perspective.

Clemens had still another letter to write for Laffan and McClure, and he made a pretty careful study of Berlin with that end in view. But his arm kept him from any regular work. He made notes, however. Once he wrote:

Clemens still had one more letter to write for Laffan and McClure, and he took a close look at Berlin with that in mind. But his arm prevented him from doing any consistent work. He did, however, make notes. At one point he wrote:

    The first gospel of all monarchies should be Rebellion; the second
    should be Rebellion; and the third and all gospels, and the only
    gospel of any monarchy, should be Rebellion—against Church and
    State.
    The main principle of all kingdoms should be Rebellion; the second should be Rebellion; and the third, along with all other principles, and the only principle of any kingdom, should be Rebellion—against the Church and the State.

And again:

And again:

    I wrote a chapter on this language 13 years ago and tried my level
    best to improve it and simplify it for these people, and this is the
    result—a word of thirty-nine letters. It merely concentrates the
    alphabet with a shovel. It hurts me to know that that chapter is
    not in any of their text-books and they don't use it in the
    university.
    I wrote a chapter on this language 13 years ago and tried my best to improve and simplify it for these people, and this is the result—a word with thirty-nine letters. It just compresses the alphabet into one term. It pains me to know that chapter isn't in any of their textbooks and they don't use it at the university.

Socially, that winter in Berlin was eventful enough. William Walter Phelps, of New Jersey (Clemens had known him in America), was United States minister at the German capital, while at the Emperor's court there was a cousin, Frau von Versen, nee Clemens, one of the St. Louis family. She had married a young German officer who had risen to the rank of a full general. Mark Twain and his family were welcome guests at all the diplomatic events—often brilliant levees, gatherings of distinguished men and women from every circle of achievement. Labouchere of 'Truth' was there, De Blowitz of the 'Times', and authors, ambassadors, and scientists of rank. Clemens became immediately a distinguished figure at these assemblies. His popularity in Germany was openly manifested. At any gathering he was surrounded by a brilliant company, eager to do him honor. He was recognized whenever he appeared on the street, and saluted, though in his notes he says he was sometimes mistaken for the historian Mommsen, whom he resembled in hair and features. His books were displayed for sale everywhere, and a special cheap edition of them was issued at a few cents per copy.

That winter in Berlin was quite eventful socially. William Walter Phelps from New Jersey, whom Clemens had known back in America, was the United States minister in the German capital. At the Emperor's court, there was a cousin, Frau von Versen, nee Clemens, from the St. Louis family. She had married a young German officer who had reached the rank of full general. Mark Twain and his family were welcomed at all the diplomatic events—often glamorous receptions with distinguished guests from all fields of achievement. Labouchere from 'Truth' was there, De Blowitz from the 'Times', along with notable authors, ambassadors, and scientists. Clemens quickly became a prominent figure at these gatherings. His popularity in Germany was clearly evident. At any event, he was surrounded by a vibrant crowd eager to pay him tribute. He was recognized on the street and greeted, although he noted that sometimes people confused him with the historian Mommsen, whom he resembled in hair and features. His books were available for sale everywhere, and a special affordable edition was released for just a few cents per copy.

Captain Bingham (later General Bingham, Commissioner of Police in New York City) and John Jackson were attaches of the legation, both of them popular with the public in general, and especially so with the Clemens family. Susy Clemens, writing to her father during a temporary absence, tells of a party at Mrs. Jackson's, and especially refers to Captain Bingham in the most complimentary terms.

Captain Bingham (who later became General Bingham, Commissioner of Police in New York City) and John Jackson were members of the legation staff, both well-liked by the public and particularly by the Clemens family. Susy Clemens, writing to her father during a brief absence, shares details about a party at Mrs. Jackson's and specifically praises Captain Bingham in glowing terms.

“He never left me sitting alone, nor in an awkward situation of any kind, but always came cordially to the rescue. My gratitude toward him was absolutely limitless.”

“He never left me sitting alone or in an uncomfortable situation, but always came to my aid with warmth. I was endlessly grateful to him.”

She adds that Mrs. Bingham was very handsome and decidedly the most attractive lady present. Berlin was Susy's first real taste of society, and she was reveling in it. In her letter she refers to Minister Phelps by the rather disrespectful nickname of “Yaas,” a term conferred because of his pronunciation of that affirmative. The Clemens children were not entirely happy in the company of the minister. They were fond of him, but he was a great tease. They were quite young enough, but it seemed always to give him delight to make them appear much younger. In the letter above quoted Susy says:

She mentions that Mrs. Bingham was really attractive and definitely the most charming lady there. Berlin was Susy's first real experience of high society, and she was enjoying every moment of it. In her letter, she refers to Minister Phelps by the rather cheeky nickname “Yaas,” which came from how he pronounced that affirmative. The Clemens kids weren’t entirely comfortable around the minister. They liked him, but he loved to tease. They were young enough as it was, but it always seemed to amuse him to make them look even younger. In the letter mentioned above, Susy says:

    When I saw Mr. Phelps I put out my hand enthusiastically and said,
    “Oh, Mr. Phelps, good evening,” whereat he drew back and said, so
    all could hear, “What, you here! why, you're too young. Do you
    think you know how to behave?” As there were two or three young
    gentlemen near by to whom I hadn't been introduced I wasn't exactly
    overjoyed at this greeting.
When I saw Mr. Phelps, I eagerly reached out my hand and said, “Oh, Mr. Phelps, good evening.” He stepped back and said loudly enough for everyone to hear, “What, you’re here! You’re too young. Do you really think you know how to act?” Since there were a couple of young men nearby that I hadn’t been introduced to, I wasn’t exactly thrilled by this welcome.

We may imagine that the nickname “Yaas” had been invented by Susy in secret retaliation, though she was ready enough to forgive him, for he was kindness itself at heart.

We might think that the nickname “Yaas” was secretly created by Susy as a way to get back at him, but she was more than willing to forgive him, because he truly was kind at heart.

In one of his later dictations Clemens related an anecdote concerning a dinner with Phelps, when he (Clemens) had been invited to meet Count S——, a cabinet minister of long and illustrious descent. Clemens, and Phelps too, it seems, felt overshadowed by this ancestry.

In one of his later dictations, Clemens shared a story about a dinner with Phelps, where he (Clemens) was invited to meet Count S——, a cabinet minister from a long and storied family. It seems that both Clemens and Phelps felt overshadowed by this lineage.

    Of course I wanted to let out the fact that I had some ancestors,
    too; but I did not want to pull them out of their graves by the
    ears, and I never could seem to get the chance to work them in, in a
    way that would look sufficiently casual. I suppose Phelps was in
    the same difficulty. In fact he looked distraught now and then just
    as a person looks who wants to uncover an ancestor purely by
    accident and cannot think of a way that will seem accidental enough.
    But at last, after dinner, he made a try. He took us about his
    drawing-room, showing us the pictures, and finally stopped before a
    rude and ancient engraving. It was a picture of the court that
    tried Charles I. There was a pyramid of judges in Puritan slouch
    hats, and below them three bareheaded secretaries seated at a table.
    Mr. Phelps put his finger upon one of the three and said, with
    exulting indifference:

    “An ancestor of mine.”

    I put a finger on a judge and retorted with scathing languidness:
    “Ancestor of mine. But it is a small matter. I have others.”
 
    Of course I wanted to mention that I had some ancestors too, but I didn't want to dig them up from their graves, and I never found a way to bring it up that felt casual enough. I guess Phelps was in the same boat. In fact, he looked a bit distressed now and then, like someone who wants to casually mention an ancestor but can't find a way that feels natural. But finally, after dinner, he took a shot at it. He showed us around his drawing room, pointing out the pictures, and eventually stopped in front of an old engraving. It depicted the court that tried Charles I. There was a stack of judges in Puritan slouch hats, and below them, three bareheaded secretaries sitting at a table. Mr. Phelps pointed to one of the three and said, with a triumphant nonchalance:

    “An ancestor of mine.”

    I pointed to a judge and shot back with feigned indifference: “Ancestor of mine. But it's no big deal. I've got others.”

Clemens was sincerely fond of Phelps and spent a good deal of time at the legation headquarters. Sometimes he wrote there. An American journalist, Henry W. Fischer, remembers seeing him there several times scribbling on such scraps of paper as came handy, and recalls that on one occasion he delivered an address to a German and English audience on the “Awful German Tongue.” This was probably the lecture that brought Clemens to bed with pneumonia. With Mrs. Clemens he had been down to Ilsenburg, in the Hartz Mountains, for a week of change. It was pleasant there, and they would have remained longer but for the Berlin lecture engagement. As it was, they found Berlin very cold and the lecture-room crowded and hot. When the lecture was over they stopped at General von Versen's for a ball, arriving at home about two in the morning. Clemens awoke with a heavy cold and lung congestion. He remained in bed, a very sick man indeed, for the better part of a month. It was unpleasant enough at first, though he rather enjoyed the convalescent period. He could sit up in bed and read and receive occasional callers. Fischer brought him Memoirs of the Margravine of Bayreuth, always a favorite.—[Clemens was deeply interested in the Margravine, and at one time began a novel with her absorbing history as its theme. He gave it up, probably feeling that the romantic form could add nothing to the Margravine's own story.]—The Emperor sent Frau von Versen with an invitation for him to attend the consecration of some flags in the palace. When she returned, conveying thanks and excuses, his Majesty commanded her to prepare a dinner at her home for Mark Twain and himself and a few special guests, the date to be arranged when Clemens's physician should pronounce him well enough to attend.

Clemens was genuinely fond of Phelps and spent a lot of time at the legation headquarters. Sometimes he wrote there. American journalist Henry W. Fischer remembers seeing him there several times, scribbling on whatever scraps of paper he could find. He recalls that on one occasion, Clemens gave a speech to a German and English audience about the "Awful German Tongue." This was likely the lecture that led to him getting pneumonia. He had just spent a week with Mrs. Clemens in Ilsenburg, in the Hartz Mountains, enjoying a change of scenery. It was nice there, and they would have stayed longer if it weren't for the lecture engagement in Berlin. Unfortunately, they found Berlin to be very cold and the lecture hall crowded and stuffy. After the lecture, they stopped by General von Versen's for a ball, getting home around two in the morning. Clemens woke up with a bad cold and lung congestion. He was bedridden, feeling very ill, for most of a month. The initial days were pretty rough, but he soon enjoyed the recovery period. He could sit up in bed, read, and have occasional visitors. Fischer brought him Memoirs of the Margravine of Bayreuth, which he always loved. Clemens was deeply interested in the Margravine and even started writing a novel based on her captivating story but eventually gave it up, probably feeling that the romantic format couldn't enhance her own history. The Emperor sent Frau von Versen with an invitation for him to attend the consecration of some flags at the palace. When she returned, conveying thanks and apologies, His Majesty ordered her to host a dinner for Mark Twain, himself, and a few select guests, with the date to be arranged when Clemens's doctor deemed him well enough to attend.

Members of the Clemens household were impressed by this royal attention. Little Jean was especially awed. She said:

Members of the Clemens household were impressed by this royal attention. Little Jean was especially awed. She said:

“I wish I could be in papa's clothes”; then, after reflection, “but that wouldn't be any use. I reckon the Emperor wouldn't recognize me.” And a little later, when she had been considering all the notables and nobilities of her father's recent association, she added:

“I wish I could wear Dad's clothes,” she thought. “But that wouldn't really help. I guess the Emperor wouldn't recognize me.” A little later, while thinking about all the important people and nobility her father had recently met, she added:

“Why, papa, if it keeps on like this, pretty soon there won't be anybody for you to get acquainted with but God,” which Mark Twain decided was not quite as much of a compliment as it had at first seemed.

“Why, Dad, if this keeps up, soon there won't be anyone for you to meet except God,” which Mark Twain realized wasn't as much of a compliment as it initially appeared.

It was during the period of his convalescence that Clemens prepared his sixth letter for the New York Sun and McClure's syndicate, “The German Chicago,” a finely descriptive article on Berlin, and German customs and institutions generally. Perhaps the best part of it is where he describes the grand and prolonged celebration which had been given in honor of Professor Virchow's seventieth birthday.—[Rudolph Virchow, an eminent German pathologist and anthropologist and scholar; then one of the most prominent figures of the German Reichstag. He died in 1902.]—He tells how the demonstrations had continued in one form or another day after day, and merged at last into the seventieth birthday of Professor Helmholtz—[Herman von Helmholtz, an eminent German physicist, one of the most distinguished scientists of the nineteenth century. He died in 1894.]—also how these great affairs finally culminated in a mighty 'commers', or beer-fest, given in their honor by a thousand German students. This letter has been published in Mark Twain's “Complete Works,” and is well worth reading to-day. His place had been at the table of the two heroes of the occasion, Virchow and Helmholtz, a place where he could see and hear all that went on; and he was immensely impressed at the honor which Germany paid to her men of science. The climax came when Mommsen unexpectedly entered the room.—[Theodor Mommsen (1817-1903), an eminent German historian and archeologist, a powerful factor in all liberal movements. From 1874-1895 permanent secretary of the Berlin Royal Academy of Sciences.]

During his recovery, Clemens wrote his sixth letter for the New York Sun and McClure's syndicate, titled “The German Chicago,” which offers a vivid description of Berlin, along with German customs and institutions in general. One of the highlights is his account of the grand and extended celebration held for Professor Virchow's seventieth birthday.—[Rudolph Virchow, a famous German pathologist, anthropologist, and scholar; at that time, one of the most prominent figures in the German Reichstag. He passed away in 1902.]—He recounts how the celebrations continued in various forms day after day, eventually merging into the seventieth birthday celebration of Professor Helmholtz—[Herman von Helmholtz, a renowned German physicist, one of the leading scientists of the nineteenth century. He died in 1894.]—and how these major events ultimately culminated in a grand 'commers,' or beer fest, hosted in their honor by a thousand German students. This letter is included in Mark Twain's “Complete Works” and is still worth reading today. He had a seat at the table with the two honorees, Virchow and Helmholtz, where he could witness everything that unfolded; he was greatly impressed by the respect Germany offered to its men of science. The highlight of the event was when Mommsen unexpectedly entered the room.—[Theodor Mommsen (1817-1903), a prominent German historian and archaeologist, a significant figure in all liberal movements. He served as the permanent secretary of the Berlin Royal Academy of Sciences from 1874 to 1895.]

    There seemed to be some signal whereby the students on the platform
    were made aware that a professor had arrived at the remote door of
    entrance, for you would see them suddenly rise to their feet, strike
    an erect military attitude, then draw their swords; the swords of
    all their brethren standing guard at the innumerable tables would
    flash from the scabbard and be held aloft—a handsome spectacle.
    Three clear bugle-notes would ring out, then all these swords would
    come down with a crash, twice repeated, on the tables and be
    uplifted and held aloft again; then in the distance you would see
    the gay uniforms and uplifted swords of a guard of honor clearing
    the way and conducting the guest down to his place. The songs were
    stirring, and the immense outpour from young life and young lungs,
    the crash of swords, and the thunder of the beer-mugs gradually
    worked a body up to what seemed the last possible summit of
    excitement. It surely seemed to me that I had reached that summit,
    that I had reached my limit, and that there was no higher lift
    devisable for me. When apparently the last eminent guest had long
    ago taken his place, again those three bugle-blasts rang out, and
    once more the swords leaped from their scabbards. Who might this
    late comer be? Nobody was interested to inquire. Still, indolent
    eyes were turned toward the distant entrance, and we saw the silken
    gleam and the lifted sword of a guard of honor plowing through the
    remote crowds. Then we saw that end of the house rising to its
    feet; saw it rise abreast the advancing guard all along like a wave.
    This supreme honor had been offered to no one before. There was an
    excited whisper at our table—“Mommsen!”—and the whole house rose
    —rose and shouted and stamped and clapped and banged the beer-mugs.
    Just simply a storm! Then the little man with his long hair and
    Emersonian face edged his way past us and took his seat. I could
    have touched him with my hand—Mommsen!—think of it!

    This was one of those immense surprises that can happen only a few
    times in one's life. I was not dreaming of him; he was to me only a
    giant myth, a world-shadowing specter, not a reality. The surprise
    of it all can be only comparable to a man's suddenly coming upon
    Mont Blanc, with its awful form towering into the sky, when he
    didn't suspect he was in its neighborhood. I would have walked a
    great many miles to get a sight of him, and here he was, without
    trouble, or tramp, or cost of any kind. Here he was, clothed in a
    titanic deceptive modesty which made him look like other men. Here
    he was, carrying the Roman world and all the Caesars in his
    hospitable skull, and doing it as easily as that other luminous
    vault, the skull of the universe, carries the Milky Way and the
    constellations.
    There seemed to be some signal that let the students on the platform know that a professor had arrived at the far entrance, because you would see them suddenly stand up straight, assume a military stance, and then draw their swords. The swords of all their fellow students standing guard at the countless tables would flash from their sheaths and be held high—a striking sight. Three clear bugle notes would sound, then all those swords would come crashing down, twice, on the tables before being lifted and held high again; then, in the distance, you would see the colorful uniforms and raised swords of an honor guard clearing the way and escorting the guest to his place. The songs were inspiring, and the huge outpouring of youthful energy and voices, the clashing of swords, and the booming of beer mugs gradually built up to what felt like an ultimate peak of excitement. It honestly felt like I had reached that peak, that I had hit my limit, and that there was no higher thrill possible for me. When it seemed the last distinguished guest had long ago settled in, those three bugle blasts sounded again, and once more the swords jumped from their scabbards. Who could this late arrival be? No one bothered to ask. Still, lazy eyes turned toward the far entrance, and we saw the silken gleam and the raised sword of an honor guard cutting through the distant crowd. Then we noticed that side of the hall rising to its feet; it rose, aligned with the advancing guard, like a wave. This supreme honor had never been extended to anyone before. There was an excited whisper at our table—“Mommsen!”—and the entire hall stood up—stood and shouted and stomped and clanged their beer mugs. It was a total storm! Then the little man with his long hair and Emersonian face squeezed past us and took his seat. I could have reached out and touched him—Mommsen!—can you believe it?

    This was one of those incredible surprises that happen only a few times in a lifetime. I hadn’t been dreaming of him; to me, he was just a giant myth, a figure casting a shadow over the world, not a real person. The shock of it all could only be compared to someone unexpectedly coming upon Mont Blanc, its massive form towering into the sky, when they had no idea it was even nearby. I would have walked many miles just to catch a glimpse of him, and here he was, without any effort, no trudging, and no expense at all. Here he was, dressed in a grand, deceptive modesty that made him seem like any other man. Here he was, carrying the weight of the Roman world and all the Caesars in his welcoming mind, doing so as effortlessly as that other brilliant cosmos, the mind of the universe, holds the Milky Way and the constellations.

During his convalescent days, Clemens had plenty of time to reflect and to look out of the window. His notebook preserves some of his reflections. In one place he says:

During his recovery days, Clemens had a lot of time to think and to look out of the window. His notebook keeps some of his thoughts. In one place, he says:

    The Emperor passes in a modest open carriage. Next that happy
    12-year-old butcher-boy, all in white apron and turban, standing up
    & so proud!

    How fast they drive-nothing like it but in London. And the horses
    seem to be of very fine breed, though I am not an expert in horses
    & do not speak with assurance. I can always tell which is the front
    end of a horse, but beyond that my art is not above the ordinary.

    The “Court Gazette” of a German paper can be covered with a playing-
    card. In an English paper the movements of titled people take up
    about three times that room. In the papers of Republican France
    from six to sixteen times as much. There, if a Duke's dog should
    catch cold in the head they would stop the press to announce it and
    cry about it. In Germany they respect titles, in England they
    revere them, in France they adore them. That is, the French
    newspapers do.

    Been taken for Mommsen twice. We have the same hair, but on
    examination it was found the brains were different.
    The Emperor rides by in a simple open carriage. Next to him is that happy 12-year-old butcher boy, dressed in a white apron and turban, standing up and so proud!

    They’re driving so fast—nothing like it except in London. The horses seem to be of a very fine breed, although I'm no horse expert and can’t speak with certainty. I can always tell which end is the front of a horse, but beyond that, my knowledge is pretty basic.

    The “Court Gazette” of a German newspaper can be covered with a playing card. In an English newspaper, the movements of titled people take up about three times that much space. In the papers of Republican France, it’s from six to sixteen times more. There, if a Duke's dog catches a cold, they would stop the press to announce it and make a fuss about it. In Germany, they respect titles; in England, they revere them; in France, they adore them. That is, the French newspapers do.

    I’ve been mistaken for Mommsen twice. We have the same hair, but upon closer inspection, it turns out our brains are different.

On February 14th he records that Professor Helmholtz called, but unfortunately leaves no further memorandum of that visit. He was quite recovered by this time, but was still cautioned about going out in the severe weather. In the final entry he says:

On February 14th, he notes that Professor Helmholtz visited, but unfortunately, he doesn’t provide any more details about that visit. He was pretty much recovered by this time but was still advised against going out in the harsh weather. In the last entry, he states:

    Thirty days sick abed—full of interest—read the debates and get
    excited over them, though don't 'versteh'. By reading keep in a
    state of excited ignorance, like a blind man in a house afire;
    flounder around, immensely but unintelligently interested; don't
    know how I got in and can't find the way out, but I'm having a
    booming time all to myself.


      Don't know what a 'Schelgesetzentwurf' is, but I keep as excited over it
      and as worried about it as if it was my own child. I simply live on the
      Sch.; it is my daily bread. I wouldn't have the question settled for
      anything in the world. Especially now that I've lost the 'offentliche
      Militargericht circus'. I read all the debates on that question with a
      never-failing interest, but all at once they sprung a vote on me a couple
      of days ago & did something by a vote of 100 to 143, but I couldn't
      find out what it was.
    
Thirty days stuck in bed—full of interest—reading the debates and getting excited about them, even though I don't fully understand. By reading, I keep in a state of excited ignorance, like a blind person in a house on fire; I flounder around, immensely but unintelligently interested; I don’t know how I got here and can’t find a way out, but I’m having a great time all to myself.  
  
I don’t know what a 'Schelgesetzentwurf' is, but I stay as excited about it and as worried as if it were my own child. I simply thrive on it; it's my daily bread. I wouldn’t want the question resolved for anything in the world. Especially now that I've lost the 'öffentliche Militargericht circus'. I read all the debates on that issue with constant interest, but suddenly they sprang a vote on me a couple of days ago and something happened with a vote of 100 to 143, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.




CLXXIX. A DINNER WITH WILLIAM II.

The dinner with Emperor William II. at General von Versen's was set for the 20th of February. A few days before, Mark Twain entered in his note-book:

The dinner with Emperor William II at General von Versen's was scheduled for February 20th. A few days earlier, Mark Twain wrote in his notebook:

    In that day the Imperial lion and the Democratic lamb shall sit down
    together, and a little General shall feed them.
    On that day, the Imperial lion and the Democratic lamb will sit down together, and a little General will feed them.

Mark Twain was the guest of honor on this occasion, and was seated at the Emperor's right hand. The Emperor's brother, Prince Heinrich, sat opposite; Prince Radolin farther along. Rudolf Lindau, of the Foreign Office, was also present. There were fourteen at the table, all told. In his memorandum made at the time, Clemens gave no account of the dinner beyond the above details, only adding:

Mark Twain was the guest of honor at this event and was seated at the Emperor's right hand. The Emperor's brother, Prince Heinrich, sat across from him; Prince Radolin was farther down the table. Rudolf Lindau from the Foreign Office was also there. There were fourteen people at the table in total. In his memo written at the time, Clemens didn't provide any details about the dinner beyond what was mentioned, simply adding:

    After dinner 6 or 8 officers came in, & all hands adjourned to the
    big room out of the smoking-room and held a “smoking parliament”
     after the style of the ancient Potsdam one, till midnight, when the
    Emperor shook hands and left.
    After dinner, 6 or 8 officers came in, and everyone moved to the big room outside the smoking room to hold a “smoking parliament” like the one from ancient Potsdam, until midnight, when the Emperor shook hands and left.

It was not until fourteen years later that Mark Twain related some special matters pertaining to that evening. He may have expanded then somewhat to fill out spaces of his memory, and embroidered them, as was his wont; but that something happened, either in reality or in his imagination, which justified his version of it we may believe. He told it as here given, premising: “This may appear in print after I am dead, but not before.

It wasn’t until fourteen years later that Mark Twain shared some specific details about that evening. He might have elaborated a bit to fill in the gaps in his memory and added some embellishments, as he often did; but we can believe that something happened, whether real or imagined, that justified his version of the events. He recounted it as presented here, starting with: “This may be published after I’m dead, but not before."

    “From 1891 until day before yesterday I had never mentioned the
    matter, nor set it down with a pen, nor ever referred to it in any
    way—not even to my wife, to whom I was accustomed to tell
    everything that happened to me.

    “At the dinner his Majesty chatted briskly and entertainingly along
    in easy and flowing English, and now and then he interrupted himself
    to address a remark to me or to some other individual of the guests.
    When the reply had been delivered he resumed his talk. I noticed
    that the table etiquette tallied with that which was the law of my
    house at home when we had guests; that is to say, the guests
    answered when the host favored them with a remark, and then quieted
    down and behaved themselves until they got another chance. If I had
    been in the Emperor's chair and he in mine I should have felt
    infinitely comfortable and at home, but I was guest now, and
    consequently felt less at home. From old experience I was familiar
    with the rules of the game and familiar with their exercise from the
    high place of host; but I was not familiar with the trammeled and
    less satisfactory position of guest, therefore I felt a little
    strange and out of place. But there was no animosity—no, the
    Emperor was host, therefore, according to my own rule, he had a
    right to do the talking, and it was my honorable duty to intrude no
    interruptions or other improvements except upon invitation; and of
    course it could be my turn some day—some day, on some friendly
    visit of inspection to America, it might be my pleasure and
    distinction to have him as guest at my table; then I would give him
    a rest and a quiet time.

    “In one way there was a difference between his table and mine-for
    instance, atmosphere; the guests stood in awe of him, and naturally
    they conferred that feeling upon me, for, after all, I am only
    human, although I regret it. When a guest answered a question he
    did it with a deferential voice and manner; he did not put any
    emotion into it, and he did not spin it out, but got it out of his
    system as quickly as he could, and then looked relieved. The
    Emperor was used to this atmosphere, and it did not chill his blood;
    maybe it was an inspiration to him, for he was alert, brilliant, and
    full of animation; also he was most gracefully and felicitously
    complimentary to my books—and I will remark here that the happy
    phrasing of a compliment is one of the rarest of human gifts and the
    happy delivery of it another. I once mentioned the high compliment
    which he paid to the book 'Old Times on the Mississippi'; but there
    were others, among them some high praise of my description in 'A
    Tramp Abroad' of certain striking phases of German student life.

    “Fifteen or twenty minutes before the dinner ended the Emperor made
    a remark to me in praise of our generous soldier pensions; then,
    without pausing, he continued the remark, not speaking to me, but
    across the table to his brother, Prince Heinrich. The Prince
    replied, endorsing the Emperor's view of the matter. Then I
    followed with my own view of it. I said that in the beginning our
    government's generosity to the soldier was clear in its intent and
    praiseworthy, since the pensions were conferred upon soldiers who
    had earned them, soldiers who had been disabled in the war and could
    no longer earn a livelihood for themselves and their families, but
    that the pensions decreed and added later lacked the virtue of a
    clean motive, and had, little by little, degenerated into a wider
    and wider and more and more offensive system of vote-purchasing, and
    was now become a source of corruption, which was an unpleasant thing
    to contemplate and was a danger besides. I think that that was
    about the substance of my remark; but in any case the remark had a
    quite definite result, and that is the memorable thing about it
    —manifestly it made everybody uncomfortable. I seemed to perceive
    this quite plainly. I had committed an indiscretion. Possibly it
    was in violating etiquette by intruding a remark when I had not been
    invited to make one; possibly it was in taking issue with an opinion
    promulgated by his Majesty. I do not know which it was, but I quite
    clearly remember the effect which my act produced—to wit, the
    Emperor refrained from addressing any remarks to me afterward, and
    not merely during the brief remainder of the dinner, but afterward
    in the kneip-room, where beer and cigars and hilarious anecdoting
    prevailed until about midnight. I am sure that the Emperor's good
    night was the only thing he said to me in all that time.

    “Was this rebuke studied and intentional? I don't know, but I
    regarded it in that way. I can't be absolutely sure of it because
    of modifying doubts created afterward by one or two circumstances.
    For example: the Empress Dowager invited me to her palace, and the
    reigning Empress invited me to breakfast, and also sent for General
    von Versen to come to her palace and read to her and her ladies from
    my books.”
 
“From 1891 until just yesterday, I had never mentioned the matter, nor written it down, nor brought it up in any way—not even to my wife, to whom I usually shared everything that happened to me.

“At dinner, His Majesty chatted lively and entertainingly in smooth, flowing English, and now and then he paused to make a comment to me or to another guest. After the response was given, he continued his conversation. I noticed that the table manners matched those of my own home when we had guests; that is, the guests responded when the host spoke to them, then settled down and behaved themselves until they had another chance to speak. If I had been in the Emperor's seat and he in mine, I would have felt completely at ease and at home, but as a guest I felt less comfortable. From my past experience, I was well acquainted with the rules of the game and their execution from the host’s high position; however, I was not used to the constrained and less satisfying role of a guest, which made me feel a bit strange and out of place. But there was no hostility—no, the Emperor was the host, so according to my own rule, he had the right to speak, and it was my honorable duty to not interrupt or offer suggestions unless invited; and of course, my turn could come someday—someday, on some friendly visit to America, I might have the pleasure and privilege of hosting him at my table; then I would give him a break and a peaceful time.

“In one way, there was a difference between his table and mine—for example, the atmosphere; the guests held him in awe, and naturally, they projected that feeling onto me, because after all, I am only human, even though I wish it weren’t so. When a guest answered a question, he did so with a respectful tone and manner; he didn’t show much emotion, didn’t drag it out, but got it over with as quickly as possible, then looked relieved. The Emperor was used to this atmosphere, and it didn’t faze him; maybe it even inspired him, as he was alert, sharp, and full of energy; he also offered the most graceful and delightful compliments about my books—and I want to mention here that the art of delivering a compliment is one of the rarest human skills, and delivering it well is another. I once noted the high compliment he paid to my book 'Old Times on the Mississippi'; but there were others, including some high praise for my descriptions of remarkable aspects of German student life in 'A Tramp Abroad.'

“Fifteen or twenty minutes before dinner wrapped up, the Emperor made a comment praising our generous soldier pensions; then, without pause, he directed the comment not to me but across the table to his brother, Prince Heinrich. The Prince responded, agreeing with the Emperor's viewpoint. Then I shared my own perspective. I stated that initially, our government’s generosity toward the soldiers was clear in its intentions and commendable since the pensions were awarded to soldiers who had earned them—those who had been injured in war and could no longer support themselves and their families. However, the pensions that were established and added later lacked the virtue of a clean motive and had gradually devolved into an increasingly widespread and offensive system of vote-buying, becoming a source of corruption, which was an unpleasant thing to consider and a danger as well. I believe that sums up the essence of my remarks; however, the significant result is what mattered—clearly, it made everyone uncomfortable. I sensed this quite distinctly. I had made an indiscretion. Perhaps it was because I broke etiquette by interjecting without being prompted; perhaps it was challenging an opinion proclaimed by His Majesty. I’m not sure which it was, but I distinctly remember the impact my action had—to be specific, afterwards, the Emperor avoided speaking to me, not just during the short rest of the dinner, but also later in the kneip-room, where beer, cigars, and lively storytelling carried on until about midnight. I’m certain that the Emperor's goodnight was the only thing he said to me the entire time.

“Was this rebuke considered and intentional? I don’t know, but I saw it that way. I can't be completely sure, as some doubts arose later due to a couple of circumstances. For example, the Empress Dowager invited me to her palace, and the reigning Empress invited me to breakfast and also summoned General von Versen to come to her palace and read from my books to her and her ladies.”

It was a personal message from the Emperor that fourteen years later recalled to him this curious circumstance. A gentleman whom Clemens knew went on a diplomatic mission to Germany. Upon being presented to Emperor William, the latter had immediately begun to talk of Mark Twain and his work. He spoke of the description of German student life as the greatest thing of its kind ever written, and of the sketch on the German language as wonderful; then he said:

It was a personal message from the Emperor that, fourteen years later, reminded him of this interesting situation. A guy Clemens knew went on a diplomatic mission to Germany. When he met Emperor William, the Emperor immediately started talking about Mark Twain and his work. He praised the description of German student life as the best ever written, and called the piece on the German language amazing; then he said:

“Convey to Mr. Clemens my kindest regards, ask him if he remembers that dinner at Von Versen's, and ask him why he didn't do any more talking at that dinner.”

“Send my best regards to Mr. Clemens, ask him if he remembers that dinner at Von Versen's, and ask him why he didn't say much more during that dinner.”

It seemed a mysterious message. Clemens thought it might have been meant to convey some sort of an imperial apology; but again it might have meant that Mark Twain's breach and the Emperor's coolness on that occasion were purely imaginary, and that the Emperor had really expected him to talk far more than he did.

It seemed like a mysterious message. Clemens thought it might have been intended as some kind of imperial apology; but it could also mean that Mark Twain’s perceived slight and the Emperor's indifference during that time were completely made up, and that the Emperor actually expected him to speak much more than he did.

Returning to the Royal Hotel after the Von Versen dinner, Mark Twain received his second high compliment that day on the Mississippi book. The portier, a tow-headed young German, must have been comparatively new at the hotel; for apparently he had just that day learned that his favorite author, whose books he had long been collecting, was actually present in the flesh. Clemens, all ready to apologize for asking so late an admission, was greeted by the portier's round face all sunshine and smiles. The young German then poured out a stream of welcome and compliments and dragged the author to a small bedroom near the front door, where he excitedly pointed out a row of books, German translations of Mark Twain.

Returning to the Royal Hotel after the Von Versen dinner, Mark Twain received his second big compliment of the day about his Mississippi book. The bellhop, a light-haired young German, seemed to be fairly new at the hotel; it looked like he had just found out that his favorite author, whose books he had been collecting for a long time, was really there in person. Clemens, already ready to apologize for showing up so late, was met with the bellhop's round face beaming with joy. The young German then poured out a stream of welcomes and compliments and led the author to a small room near the front door, where he excitedly pointed out a shelf of books—German translations of Mark Twain.

“There,” he said; “you wrote them. I've found it out. Lieber Gott! I did not know it before, and I ask a million pardons. That one there, Old Times on the Mississippi, is the best you ever wrote.”

“There,” he said; “you wrote them. I figured it out. My God! I didn’t realize it before, and I’m so sorry. That one there, Old Times on the Mississippi, is the best thing you’ve ever written.”

The note-book records only one social event following the Emperor's dinner—a dinner with the secretary of the legation. The note says:

The notebook only mentions one social event after the Emperor's dinner—a dinner with the secretary of the legation. The note says:

At the Emperor's dinner black cravats were ordered. Tonight I went in a black cravat and everybody else wore white ones. Just my luck.

At the Emperor's dinner, black cravats were requested. Tonight, I showed up in a black cravat while everyone else wore white ones. Just my luck.

The Berlin activities came to an end then. He was still physically far from robust, and his doctors peremptorily ordered him to stay indoors or to go to a warmer climate. This was March 1st. Clemens and his wife took Joseph Very, and, leaving the others for the time in Berlin, set out for Mentone, in the south of France.

The Berlin activities wrapped up. He was still not in great shape, and his doctors firmly told him to either stay indoors or head to a warmer place. It was March 1st. Clemens and his wife took Joseph Very and, leaving the others in Berlin for the moment, headed to Mentone, in the south of France.





CLXXX. MANY WANDERINGS

Mentone was warm and quiet, and Clemens worked when his arm permitted. He was alone there with Mrs. Clemens, and they wandered about a good deal, idling and picture-making, enjoying a sort of belated honeymoon. Clemens wrote to Susy:

Mentone was warm and peaceful, and Clemens worked when his arm allowed. He was there alone with Mrs. Clemens, and they spent a lot of time wandering around, relaxing and taking in the sights, like a sort of late honeymoon. Clemens wrote to Susy:

Joseph is gone to Nice to educate himself in kodaking—and to get the pictures mounted which mama thinks she took here; but I noticed she didn't take the plug out, as a rule. When she did she took nine pictures on top of each other—composites.

Joseph has gone to Nice to learn about photography—and to get the pictures mounted that Mom thinks she took here; but I noticed she usually didn’t take the cap off. When she did, she ended up taking nine pictures layered on top of each other—composites.

They remained a month in Mentone, then went over to Pisa, and sent Joseph to bring the rest of the party to Rome. In Rome they spent another month—a period of sight-seeing, enjoyable, but to Clemens pretty profitless.

They stayed a month in Mentone, then moved on to Pisa and sent Joseph to bring the rest of the group to Rome. In Rome, they spent another month—a time of sightseeing, which was enjoyable but ultimately pointless for Clemens.

“I do not expect to be able to write any literature this year,” he said in a letter to Hall near the end of April. “The moment I take up my pen my rheumatism returns.”

“I don’t expect to be able to write any literature this year,” he said in a letter to Hall near the end of April. “The moment I pick up my pen, my rheumatism comes back.”

Still he struggled along and managed to pile up a good deal of copy in the course of weeks. From Rome to Florence, at the end of April, and so pleasing was the prospect, and so salubrious the air of that ancient city, that they resolved to engage residence there for the next winter. They inspected accommodations of various kinds, and finally, through Prof. Willard Fiske, were directed to the Villa Viviani, near Settignano, on a hill to the eastward of Florence, with vineyard and olive-grove sloping away to the city lying in a haze-a vision of beauty and peace. They closed the arrangement for Viviani, and about the middle of May went up to Venice for a fortnight of sight-seeing—a break in the travel back to Germany. William Gedney Bunce, the Hartford artist, was in Venice, and Sarah Orne Jewett and other home friends.

Still, he kept pushing forward and managed to write quite a bit over the weeks. From Rome to Florence, by the end of April, the outlook was so appealing, and the air of that ancient city so refreshing, that they decided to arrange a stay there for the next winter. They checked out various types of accommodations and, ultimately, through Prof. Willard Fiske, were referred to the Villa Viviani, near Settignano, on a hill to the east of Florence, with vineyards and olive groves sloping down toward the city, shrouded in a hazy view of beauty and tranquility. They finalized the arrangement for Viviani, and around mid-May, they headed to Venice for two weeks of sightseeing—a break in their journey back to Germany. William Gedney Bunce, the artist from Hartford, was in Venice, along with Sarah Orne Jewett and other friends from home.

From Venice, by way of Lake Como and “a tangled route” (his note-book says) to Lucerne, and so northward to Berlin and on to Bad Nauheim, where they had planned to spend the summer. Clemens for some weeks had contemplated a trip to America, for matters there seemed to demand his personal attention. Summer arrangements for the family being now concluded, he left within the week and set sail on the Havel for New York. To Jean he wrote a cheerful good-by letter, more cheerful, we may believe, than he felt.

From Venice, through Lake Como and a "twisted path" (his notebook says) to Lucerne, and then north to Berlin and on to Bad Nauheim, where they planned to spend the summer. Clemens had been thinking about a trip to America for a few weeks since things there seemed to need his personal attention. With summer arrangements for the family now finalized, he left within the week and set sail on the Havel for New York. He wrote a cheerful goodbye letter to Jean, likely more cheerful than he actually felt.

                         BREMEN, 7.45 A.M., June 14, 1892.
                         BREMEN, 7:45 A.M., June 14, 1892.

DEAR JEAN CLEMENS,—I am up & shaved & got my clean shirt on & feel mighty fine, & am going down to show off before I put on the rest of my clothes.

DEAR JEAN CLEMENS,—I’m up, shaved, and wearing my clean shirt, and I feel great! I’m going out to show off before I put on the rest of my clothes.

Perhaps mama & Mrs. Hague can persuade the Hauswirth to do right; but if he don't you go down & kill his dog.

Perhaps Mom and Mrs. Hague can convince the Hauswirth to do the right thing; but if he doesn't, you should go down and kill his dog.

I wish you would invite the Consul-General and his ladies down to take one of those slim dinners with mama, then he would complain to the Government.

I wish you would invite the Consul-General and his ladies over for one of those light dinners with mom; then he would complain to the Government.

Clemens felt that his presence in America, was demanded by two things. Hall's reports continued, as ever, optimistic; but the semi-annual statements were less encouraging. The Library of Literature and some of the other books were selling well enough; but the continuous increase of capital required by a business conducted on the instalment plan had steadily added to the firm's liabilities, while the prospect of a general tightening in the money-market made the outlook not a particularly happy one. Clemens thought he might be able to dispose of the Library or an interest in it, or even of his share of the business itself, to some one with means sufficient to put it on an easier financial footing. The uncertainties of trade and the burden of increased debt had become a nightmare which interfered with his sleep. It seemed hard enough to earn a living with a crippled arm, without this heavy business care.

Clemens felt that his presence in America was needed for two reasons. Hall's reports remained optimistic as always, but the semi-annual statements were less encouraging. The Library of Literature and some other books were selling well enough, but the constant need for more capital needed for a business run on the installment plan had steadily increased the firm's liabilities, while the likelihood of a general tightening in the money-market made the future look rather bleak. Clemens thought he might be able to sell the Library or a stake in it, or even his share of the business itself, to someone with enough resources to help stabilize its finances. The uncertainties of trade and the burden of growing debt had become a nightmare that disrupted his sleep. It seemed challenging enough to make a living with a damaged arm without the added weight of this business worry.

The second interest requiring attention was that other old one—the machine. Clemens had left the matter in Paige's hands, and Paige, with persuasive eloquence, had interested Chicago capital to a point where a company had been formed to manufacture the type-setter in that city. Paige reported that he had got several million dollars subscribed for the construction of a factory, and that he had been placed on a salary as a sort of general “consulting omniscient” at five thousand dollars a month. Clemens, who had been negotiating again with the Mallorys for the disposal of his machine royalties, thought it proper to find out just what was going on. He remained in America less than two weeks, during which he made a flying trip to Chicago and found that Paige's company really had a factory started, and proposed to manufacture fifty machines. It was not easy to find out the exact status of this new company, but Clemens at least was hopeful enough of its prospects to call off the negotiations with the Mallorys which had promised considerable cash in hand. He had been able to accomplish nothing material in the publishing situation, but his heart-to-heart talk with Hall for some reason had seemed comforting. The business had been expanding; they would now “concentrate.” He returned on the Lahn, and he must have been in better health and spirits, for it is said he kept the ship very merry during the passage. He told many extravagantly amusing yarns; so many that a court was convened to try him on the charge of “inordinate and unscientific lying.” Many witnesses testified, and his own testimony was so unconvincing that the jury convicted him without leaving the bench. He was sentenced to read aloud from his own works for a considerable period every day until the steamer should reach port. It is said that he faithfully carried out this part of the program, and that the proceeds from the trial and the various readings amounted to something more than six hundred dollars, which was turned over to the Seamen's Fund.

The second concern that needed attention was the old one—the machine. Clemens had handed the matter over to Paige, who, with his persuasive charm, had attracted Chicago investors to the point where a company was established to produce the type-setter there. Paige reported that he'd secured several million dollars for building a factory, and he was put on a monthly salary of five thousand dollars as a kind of general “consulting expert.” Clemens, who had been negotiating again with the Mallorys about selling his machine royalties, felt it was important to find out what was happening. He spent less than two weeks in America, during which he made a quick trip to Chicago and discovered that Paige's company had indeed started a factory and planned to produce fifty machines. It was challenging to figure out the exact status of this new company, but Clemens was hopeful enough about its future to end discussions with the Mallorys, which would have provided a significant immediate payout. He hadn't made any substantial progress in the publishing situation, but his candid conversation with Hall somehow felt reassuring. The business was growing; they would now “concentrate.” He returned on the Lahn, and he must have been feeling better, as it's said he kept the ship lively during the journey. He shared many hilariously exaggerated stories; so many that a mock court was set up to judge him for “excessive and unscientific lying.” Numerous witnesses provided testimonies, and his own account was so unpersuasive that the jury convicted him without needing to deliberate. He was sentenced to read aloud from his own works for a significant amount of time each day until the ship reached port. It’s reported that he faithfully fulfilled this part of the sentence, and that the funds raised from the trial and various readings totaled over six hundred dollars, which was donated to the Seamen's Fund.

Clemens's arm was really much better, and he put in a good deal of spare time during the trip writing an article on “All Sorts and Conditions of Ships,” from Noah's Ark down to the fine new Havel, then the latest word in ship-construction. It was an article written in a happy vein and is profitable reading to-day. The description of Columbus as he appeared on the deck of his flag-ship is particularly rich and flowing:

Clemens's arm was feeling much better, and he spent a good amount of free time during the trip writing an article on “All Sorts and Conditions of Ships,” covering everything from Noah's Ark to the latest model in ship construction, the fine new Havel. It was a cheerful piece and is still enjoyable to read today. The description of Columbus as he stood on the deck of his flagship is especially vivid and engaging:

    If the weather was chilly he came up clad from plumed helmet to
    spurred heel in magnificent plate-armor inlaid with arabesques of
    gold, having previously warmed it at the galley fire. If the
    weather was warm he came up in the ordinary sailor toggery of the
    time-great slouch hat of blue velvet, with a flowing brush of snowy
    ostrich-plumes, fastened on with a flashing cluster of diamonds and
    emeralds; gold-embroidered doublet of green velvet, with slashed
    sleeves exposing undersleeves of crimson satin; deep collar and cuff
    ruffles of rich, limp lace; trunk hose of pink velvet, with big
    knee-knots of brocaded yellow ribbon; pearl-tinted silk stockings,
    clocked and daintily embroidered; lemon-colored buskins of unborn
    kid, funnel-topped, and drooping low to expose the pretty stockings;
    deep gauntlets of finest white heretic skin, from the factory of the
    Holy Inquisition, formerly part of the person of a lady of rank;
    rapier with sheath crusted with jewels and hanging from a broad
    baldric upholstered with rubies and sapphires.
If the weather was chilly, he came up dressed from his plumed helmet to his spurred heels in stunning plate armor inlaid with gold arabesques, having warmed it by the galley fire first. If the weather was warm, he wore the typical sailor outfit of the time—a great blue velvet slouch hat with a flowing brush of snowy ostrich plumes, secured with a sparkling cluster of diamonds and emeralds; a gold-embroidered doublet of green velvet with slashed sleeves that revealed crimson satin undersleeves; deep collar and cuff ruffles made of rich, soft lace; pink velvet trunk hose with large knee-knots of brocaded yellow ribbon; pearl-colored silk stockings that were clocked and delicately embroidered; lemon-colored buskins made from unborn kid, with funnel tops that drooped low to show off the pretty stockings; deep gauntlets made of the finest white heretic skin, formerly belonging to a lady of rank, produced by the factory of the Holy Inquisition; and a rapier with a jeweled sheath hanging from a wide baldric decorated with rubies and sapphires.




CLXXXI. NAUHEIM AND THE PRINCE OF WALES

Clemens was able to write pretty steadily that summer in Nauheim and turned off a quantity of copy. He completed several short articles and stories, and began, or at least continued work on, two books—'Tom Sawyer Abroad' and 'Those Extraordinary Twins'—the latter being the original form of 'Pudd'nhead Wilson'. As early as August 4th he wrote to Hall that he had finished forty thousand words of the “Tom Sawyer” story, and that it was to be offered to some young people's magazine, Harper's Young People or St. Nicholas; but then he suddenly decided that his narrative method was altogether wrong. To Hall on the 10th he wrote:

Clemens was able to write pretty steadily that summer in Nauheim and churned out a lot of material. He finished several short articles and stories and began, or at least continued working on, two books—'Tom Sawyer Abroad' and 'Those Extraordinary Twins'—the latter being the original version of 'Pudd'nhead Wilson.' As early as August 4th, he wrote to Hall that he had completed forty thousand words of the “Tom Sawyer” story and that it was set to be pitched to some young people's magazine, Harper's Young People or St. Nicholas; but then he suddenly decided that his narrative approach was completely wrong. To Hall on the 10th, he wrote:

    I have dropped that novel I wrote you about because I saw a more
    effective way of using the main episode—to wit, by telling it
    through the lips of Huck Finn. So I have started Huck Finn & Tom
    Sawyer (still 15 years old) & their friend the freed slave Jim
    around the world in a stray balloon, with Huck as narrator, &
    somewhere after the end of that great voyage he will work in that
    original episode & then nobody will suspect that a whole book has
    been written & the globe circumnavigated merely to get that episode
    in in an effective (& at the same time apparently unintentional)
    way. I have written 12,000 words of this new narrative, & find that
    the humor flows as easily as the adventures & surprises—so I shall
    go along and make a book of from 50,000 to 100,000 words.

    It is a story for boys, of course, & I think it will interest any
    boy between 8 years & 80.

    When I was in New York the other day Mrs. Dodge, editor of St.
    Nicholas, wrote and offered me $5,000 for (serial right) a story for
    boys 50,000 words long. I wrote back and declined, for I had other
    matter in my mind then.

    I conceive that the right way to write a story for boys is to write
    so that it will not only interest boys, but will also strongly
    interest any man who has ever been a boy. That immensely enlarges
    the audience.

    Now, this story doesn't need to be restricted to a child's magazine
    —it is proper enough for any magazine, I should think, or for a
    syndicate. I don't swear it, but I think so.

    Proposed title—New Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.
    I've put aside that novel I told you about because I found a better way to use the main episode—specifically, by telling it through the perspective of Huck Finn. So I've started a story with Huck Finn & Tom Sawyer (still 15 years old) and their friend, the freed slave Jim, going on an adventure around the world in a runaway balloon, with Huck as the narrator. Somewhere after their big journey, he will include that original episode, and then no one will suspect that a whole book was written and the globe was circumnavigated just to get that episode in an effective (and seemingly unintentional) way. I've written 12,000 words of this new narrative, and I find that the humor comes as easily as the adventures and surprises—so I'll keep going and aim for a book of between 50,000 and 100,000 words.

    It's a story for boys, of course, and I think it will appeal to any boy between 8 and 80.

    When I was in New York recently, Mrs. Dodge, the editor of St. Nicholas, wrote to offer me $5,000 for the serial rights to a 50,000-word story for boys. I replied and declined because I had other ideas in mind at the time.

    I believe the right way to write a story for boys is to do it in a way that not only captivates boys but also strongly appeals to any man who has ever been a boy. That greatly expands the audience.

    Now, this story doesn’t need to be limited to a children’s magazine—it's suitable for any magazine, I think, or for a syndicate. I’m not certain, but I think so.

    Proposed title—New Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

He was full of his usual enthusiasm in any new undertaking, and writes of the Extraordinary Twins:

He was as enthusiastic as ever about any new project, and writes about the Extraordinary Twins:

    By and by I shall have to offer (for grown folks' magazine) a novel
    entitled, 'Those Extraordinary Twins'. It's the howling farce I
    told you I had begun awhile back. I laid it aside to ferment while
    I wrote Tom Sawyer Abroad, but I took it up again on a little
    different plan lately, and it is swimming along satisfactorily now.
    I think all sorts of folks will read it. It is clear out of the
    common order—it is a fresh idea—I don't think it resembles
    anything in literature.
    Eventually, I’ll have to publish a novel titled 'Those Extraordinary Twins' (for an adult magazine). It’s the outrageous comedy I mentioned starting some time ago. I set it aside to work on Tom Sawyer Abroad, but I've picked it up again recently with a slightly different approach, and it’s going well now. I believe all kinds of people will read it. It's completely outside the usual norm—it's a new concept—I don't think it’s similar to anything else in literature.

He was quite right; it did not resemble anything in literature, nor did it greatly resemble literature, though something at least related to literature would eventually grow out of it.

He was totally right; it didn’t look like anything in literature, nor did it really resemble literature, although something at least connected to literature would eventually come from it.

In a letter written many years afterward by Frank Mason, then consul-general at Frankfort, he refers to “that happy summer at Nauheim.” Mason was often a visitor there, and we may believe that his memory of the summer was justified. For one thing, Clemens himself was in better health and spirits and able to continue his work. But an even greater happiness lay in the fact that two eminent physicians had pronounced Mrs. Clemens free from any organic ills. To Orion, Clemens wrote:

In a letter written many years later by Frank Mason, who was then the consul-general in Frankfort, he talked about “that wonderful summer at Nauheim.” Mason visited often, and we can assume that his memories of that summer were accurate. For one thing, Clemens was in better health and spirits and could continue his work. But an even greater joy came from the fact that two respected doctors declared Mrs. Clemens free from any serious health issues. To Orion, Clemens wrote:

    We are in the clouds because the bath physicians say positively that
    Livy has no heart disease but has only weakness of the heart muscles
    and will soon be well again. That was worth going to Europe to find
    out.
    We’re feeling great because the doctors at the spa have confirmed that
    Livy doesn’t have heart disease; she just has weak heart muscles
    and will be fine soon. It was definitely worth the trip to Europe to find this out.

It was enough to change the whole atmosphere of the household, and financial worries were less considered. Another letter to Orion relates history:

It was enough to change the entire vibe of the house, and financial worries were given less attention. Another letter to Orion talks about history:

    The Twichells have been here four days & we have had good times with
    them. Joe & I ran over to Homburg, the great pleasure-resort,
    Saturday, to dine with friends, & in the morning I went walking in
    the promenade & met the British ambassador to the Court of Berlin
    and he introduced me to the Prince of Wales. I found him a most
    unusually comfortable and unembarrassing Englishman.
    The Twichells have been here for four days, and we’ve had a great time with them. Joe and I went to Homburg, the famous resort, on Saturday to have dinner with friends. In the morning, I took a walk on the promenade and ran into the British ambassador to the Court of Berlin, who introduced me to the Prince of Wales. I found him to be an unusually easygoing and relaxed Englishman.

Twichell has reported Mark Twain's meeting with the Prince (later Edward VII) as having come about by special request of the latter, made through the British ambassador. “The meeting,” he says, “was a most cordial one on both sides, and presently the Prince took Mark Twain's arm and the two marched up and down, talking earnestly together, the Prince, solid, erect, and soldier-like, Clemens weaving along in his curious, swinging gait in a full tide of talk, and brandishing a sun-umbrella of the most scandalous description.”

Twichell reported that Mark Twain met with the Prince (later Edward VII) at the Prince's special request, which was made through the British ambassador. “The meeting,” he said, “was very warm and friendly on both sides, and soon the Prince took Mark Twain's arm, and the two strolled back and forth, talking earnestly together, the Prince standing tall and soldier-like, while Clemens moved along in his unique, swinging stride, fully engaged in conversation and waving a ridiculously over-the-top sun umbrella.”

When they parted Clemens said:

When they separated, Clemens said:

“It has been, indeed, a great pleasure to meet your Royal Highness.”

"It’s truly been a great pleasure to meet you, Your Royal Highness."

The Prince answered:

The Prince replied:

“And it is a pleasure, Mr. Clemens, to have met you—again.”

“And it’s a pleasure, Mr. Clemens, to have met you—again.”

Clemens was puzzled to reply.

Clemens was confused to respond.

“Why,” he said, “have we met before?”

“Why,” he said, “have we met before?”

The Prince smiled happily.

The Prince smiled with joy.

“Oh yes,” he said; “don't you remember that day on the Strand when you were on the top of a bus and I was heading a procession and you had on your new overcoat with flap-pockets?”—[See chap. clxiii, “A Letter to the Queen of England.”]

“Oh yes,” he said. “Don’t you remember that day on the Strand when you were on the top of a bus and I was leading a procession, and you were wearing your new overcoat with flap pockets?”—[See chap. clxiii, “A Letter to the Queen of England.”]

It was the highest compliment he could have paid, for it showed that he had read, and had remembered all those years. Clemens expressed to Twichell regret that he had forgotten to mention his visit to the Prince's sister, Louise, in Ottawa, but he had his opportunity at a dinner next day. Later the Prince had him to supper and they passed an entire evening together.

It was the greatest compliment he could have given, as it showed that he had read and remembered all those years. Clemens told Twichell that he regretted forgetting to mention his visit to the Prince's sister, Louise, in Ottawa, but he had his chance at dinner the next day. Later, the Prince invited him for supper, and they spent an entire evening together.

There was a certain uneasiness in the Nauheim atmosphere that year, for the cholera had broken out at Hamburg, and its victims were dying at a terrific rate. It was almost impossible to get authentic news as to the spread of the epidemic, for the German papers were curiously conservative in their reports. Clemens wrote an article on the subject but concluded not to print it. A paragraph will convey its tenor.

There was a sense of unease in Nauheim that year because cholera had erupted in Hamburg, and people were dying at an alarming rate. It was nearly impossible to get reliable news about the spread of the epidemic, as the German papers were surprisingly restrained in their reports. Clemens wrote an article on the topic but decided not to publish it. A brief excerpt will summarize its main points.

    What I am trying to make the reader understand is the strangeness of
    the situation here—a mighty tragedy being played upon a stage that
    is close to us, & yet we are as ignorant of its details as we should
    be if the stage were in China. We sit “in front,” & the audience is
    in fact the world; but the curtain is down, & from behind it we hear
    only an inarticulate murmur. The Hamburg disaster must go into
    history as the disaster without a history.
    What I want the reader to understand is the oddness of the situation here—a huge tragedy happening on a stage that feels close to us, yet we are just as clueless about its details as we would be if the stage were in China. We sit “in front,” and the audience is really the world; but the curtain is down, and all we hear from behind it is an inaudible murmur. The Hamburg disaster will go down in history as the disaster without a story.

He closes with an item from a physician's letter—an item which he says “gives you a sudden and terrific sense of the situation there.”

He ends with a point from a doctor's letter—something that he says “gives you a sudden and intense sense of the situation there.”

    For in a line it flashes before you—this ghastly picture—a thing
    seen by the physician: a wagon going along the street with five sick
    people in it, and with them four dead ones.
For in a line it flashes before you—this shocking image—a sight witnessed by the doctor: a wagon moving down the street with five sick people in it, along with four dead ones.




CLXXXII. THE VILLA VIVIANI.

'The American Claimant', published in May (1892), did not bring a very satisfactory return. For one thing, the book-trade was light, and then the Claimant was not up to his usual standard. It had been written under hard circumstances and by a pen long out of practice; it had not paid, and its author must work all the harder on the new undertakings. The conditions at Nauheim seemed favorable, and they lingered there until well into September. To Mrs. Crane, who had returned to America, Clemens wrote on the 18th, from Lucerne, in the midst of their travel to Italy:

'The American Claimant', published in May 1892, didn't yield a very good return. For one reason, the book market was slow, and the Claimant wasn't up to the usual quality. It was written under tough circumstances and by a writer who hadn’t been active for a while; it didn’t make money, and its author had to work even harder on new projects. The conditions in Nauheim seemed good, and they stayed there until well into September. To Mrs. Crane, who had returned to America, Clemens wrote on the 18th from Lucerne, while they were traveling to Italy:

    We remained in Nauheim a little too long. If we had left four or
    five days earlier we should have made Florence in three days. Hard
    trip because it was one of those trains that gets tired every 7
    minutes and stops to rest three-quarters of an hour. It took us
    3 1/2 hours to get there instead of the regulation 2 hours. We
    shall pull through to Milan to-morrow if possible. Next day we
    shall start at 10 AM and try to make Bologna, 5 hours. Next day,
    Florence, D. V. Next year we will walk. Phelps came to Frankfort
    and we had some great times—dinner at his hotel; & the Masons,
    supper at our inn—Livy not in it. She was merely allowed a
    glimpse, no more. Of course Phelps said she was merely pretending
    to be ill; was never looking so well & fine.

    A Paris journal has created a happy interest by inoculating one of
    its correspondents with cholera. A man said yesterday he wished to
    God they would inoculate all of them. Yes, the interest is quite
    general and strong & much hope is felt.

    Livy says I have said enough bad things, and better send all our
    loves & shut up. Which I do—and shut up.
    We stayed in Nauheim a bit too long. If we had left four or five days earlier, we could have reached Florence in three days. It was a tough trip because it was one of those trains that stops every 7 minutes to take a break for three-quarters of an hour. It took us 3.5 hours to get there instead of the usual 2 hours. We’ll try to get to Milan tomorrow if we can. The next day, we’ll leave at 10 AM and aim for Bologna, which is 5 hours away. The day after that, Florence, God willing. Next year, we’ll walk. Phelps came to Frankfort, and we had an awesome time—dinner at his hotel and the Masons, supper at our inn—with Livy not included. She was just allowed a quick look, nothing more. Of course, Phelps said she was just pretending to be sick; he said she had never looked so well.

    A Paris newspaper has stirred up some excitement by vaccinating one of its reporters against cholera. A guy said yesterday he wished to God they would vaccinate all of them. Yes, the interest is pretty widespread and strong, and there’s a lot of hope.

    Livy says I’ve said enough negative things, and I better send all our love and keep quiet. So I will—and keep quiet.

They lingered at Lucerne until Mrs. Clemens was rested and better able to continue the journey, arriving at last in Florence, September 26th. They drove out to the Villa Viviani in the afternoon and found everything in readiness for their reception, even to the dinner, which was prepared and on the table. Clemens, in his notes, speaks of this and adds:

They stayed in Lucerne until Mrs. Clemens had rested and was well enough to continue their trip, finally arriving in Florence on September 26th. They drove out to the Villa Viviani in the afternoon and found everything ready for their arrival, including dinner, which was already prepared and set on the table. Clemens mentions this in his notes and adds:

It takes but a sentence to state that, but it makes an indolent person tired to think of the planning & work and trouble that lie concealed in it.

It only takes a sentence to say that, but just thinking about the planning, effort, and trouble involved makes a lazy person tired.

Some further memoranda made at this time have that intimate interest which gives reality and charm. The 'contadino' brought up their trunks from the station, and Clemens wrote:

Some additional notes taken during this time have a personal touch that adds authenticity and appeal. The 'contadino' carried their trunks from the station, and Clemens wrote:

    The 'contadino' is middle-aged & like the rest of the peasants—that
    is to say, brown, handsome, good-natured, courteous, & entirely
    independent without making any offensive show of it. He charged too
    much for the trunks, I was told. My informer explained that this
    was customary.

    September 27. The rest of the trunks brought up this morning. He
    charged too much again, but I was told that this was also customary.
    It's all right, then. I do not wish to violate the customs. Hired
    landau, horses, & coachman. Terms, 480 francs a month & a pourboire
    to the coachman, I to furnish lodging for the man & the horses, but
    nothing else. The landau has seen better days & weighs 30 tons.
    The horses are feeble & object to the landau; they stop & turn
    around every now & then & examine it with surprise & suspicion.
    This causes delay. But it entertains the people along the road.
    They came out & stood around with their hands in their pockets &
    discussed the matter with each other. I was told that they said
    that a 30-ton landau was not the thing for horses like those—what
    they needed was a wheelbarrow.
The 'contadino' is middle-aged and, like the other peasants—brown, handsome, good-natured, polite, and completely independent without being boastful about it. I was told he charged too much for the trunks. My source explained that this was normal.

September 27. The rest of the trunks arrived this morning. He charged too much again, but I was told that this was also normal. That's fine, then. I don’t want to offend local customs. Hired a landau, horses, and a driver. Terms: 480 francs a month plus a tip for the driver. I’m responsible for lodging for the man and the horses, but nothing else. The landau has definitely seen better days and weighs 30 tons. The horses are weak and don’t like the landau; they stop and turn around every now and then to look at it with surprise and suspicion. This causes delays. But it entertains the people along the road. They came out, stood around with their hands in their pockets, and discussed the situation among themselves. I heard them say that a 30-ton landau wasn’t suitable for those horses—what they really needed was a wheelbarrow.

His description of the house pictures it as exactly today as it did then, for it has not changed in these twenty years, nor greatly, perhaps, in the centuries since it was built.

His description of the house makes it look exactly the same today as it did back then, as it hasn't changed in these twenty years, and probably not much in the centuries since it was built.

    It is a plain, square building, like a box, & is painted light
    yellow & has green window-shutters. It stands in a commanding
    position on the artificial terrace of liberal dimensions, which is
    walled around with masonry. From the walls the vineyards & olive
    orchards of the estate slant away toward the valley. There are
    several tall trees, stately stone-pines, also fig-trees & trees of
    breeds not familiar to me. Roses overflow the retaining-walls, &
    the battered & mossy stone urn on the gate-posts, in pink & yellow
    cataracts exactly as they do on the drop-curtains in the theaters.
    The house is a very fortress for strength. The main walls—all
    brick covered with plaster—are about 3 feet thick. I have several
    times tried to count the rooms of the house, but the irregularities
    baffle me. There seem to be 28. There are plenty of windows &
    worlds of sunlight. The floors are sleek & shiny & full of
    reflections, for each is a mirror in its way, softly imaging all
    objects after the subdued fashion of forest lakes. The curious
    feature of the house is the salon. This is a spacious & lofty
    vacuum which occupies the center of the house. All the rest of the
    house is built around it; it extends up through both stories & its
    roof projects some feet above the rest of the building. The sense
    of its vastness strikes you the moment you step into it & cast your
    eyes around it & aloft. There are divans distributed along its
    walls. They make little or no show, though their aggregate length
    is 57 feet. A piano in it is a lost object. We have tried to
    reduce the sense of desert space & emptiness with tables & things,
    but they have a defeated look, & do not do any good. Whatever
    stands or moves under that soaring painted vault is belittled.
    It’s a simple, square building, resembling a box, painted light yellow with green window shutters. It sits prominently on an artificially built terrace that’s quite spacious, surrounded by brick walls. From the walls, the vineyards and olive orchards of the estate slope down towards the valley. There are several tall trees, majestic stone pines, along with fig trees and some unfamiliar species. Roses spill over the retaining walls, as well as the worn and mossy stone urns on the gate posts, in pink and yellow cascades just like on the curtains in theaters. The house is incredibly sturdy—it’s practically a fortress. The main walls, made of brick covered with plaster, are about 3 feet thick. I’ve tried to count the rooms several times, but the irregular layout confuses me. There seem to be 28. There are plenty of windows letting in ample sunlight. The floors are sleek and shiny, reflecting everything as each acts like a mirror, softly reflecting objects in a way similar to quiet forest lakes. A unique feature of the house is the salon. This is a large, airy space that occupies the center of the house. Everything else is built around it; it rises up through both stories and its roof extends a few feet above the rest of the building. You can feel its vastness as soon as you step inside and look around. Divans are spread along its walls, barely noticeable despite their total length of 57 feet. A piano in this space feels lost. We’ve tried to fill the sense of emptiness with tables and other items, but they just seem inadequate and don’t really help. Anything that stands or moves under that soaring painted ceiling feels diminished.

He describes the interior of this vast room (they grew to love it), dwelling upon the plaster-relief portraits above its six doors, Florentine senators and judges, ancient dwellers there and former owners of the estate.

He talks about the inside of this huge room (they came to love it), focusing on the plaster-relief portraits above its six doors, showing Florentine senators and judges, ancient residents, and former owners of the estate.

    The date of one of them is 1305—middle-aged, then, & a judge—he
    could have known, as a youth, the very greatest Italian artists, &
    he could have walked & talked with Dante, & probably did. The date
    of another is 1343—he could have known Boccaccio & spent his
    afternoons wandering in Fiesole, gazing down on plague-reeking
    Florence & listening to that man's improper tales, & he probably
    did. The date of another is 1463—he could have met Columbus & he
    knew the magnificent Lorenzo, of course. These are all Cerretanis
    —or Cerretani-Twains, as I may say, for I have adopted myself into
    their family on account of its antiquity—my origin having been
    heretofore too recent to suit me.
The date of one of them is 1305—middle-aged, then, & a judge—he might have known, as a young man, the most renowned Italian artists, & he could have walked & talked with Dante, & probably did. The date of another is 1343—he could have known Boccaccio & spent his afternoons wandering in Fiesole, looking down on plague-ridden Florence & listening to that man’s scandalous stories, & he probably did. The date of another is 1463—he could have met Columbus & he definitely knew the magnificent Lorenzo, of course. These are all Cerretanis—or Cerretani-Twains, as I might say, since I have adopted myself into their family due to its long history—my own origin having been too recent to be suitable for me.

We are considering the details of Viviani at some length, for it was in this setting that he began and largely completed what was to be his most important work of this later time—in some respects his most important of any time—the 'Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc'. If the reader loves this book, and he must love it if he has read it, he will not begrudge the space here given to the scene of its inspiration. The outdoor picture of Viviani is of even more importance, for he wrote oftener out-of-doors than elsewhere. Clemens added it to his notes several months later, but it belongs here.

We are looking at Viviani in detail because this is where he started and mostly finished what would become his most significant work from this later period—arguably his most important work ever—the 'Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc.' If you enjoy this book—and you surely do if you've read it—you won't mind the space dedicated to the backdrop of its inspiration. The outdoor image of Viviani is even more crucial since he wrote outside more often than anywhere else. Clemens added this to his notes a few months later, but it fits here.

    The situation of this villa is perfect. It is three miles from
    Florence, on the side of a hill. Beyond some hill-spurs is Fiesole
    perched upon its steep terraces; in the immediate foreground is the
    imposing mass of the Ross castle, its walls and turrets rich with
    the mellow weather-stains of forgotten centuries; in the distant
    plain lies Florence, pink & gray & brown, with the ruddy, huge dome
    of the cathedral dominating its center like a captive balloon, &
    flanked on the right by the smaller bulb of the Medici chapel & on
    the left by the airy tower of the Palazzo Vecchio; all around the
    horizon is a billowy rim of lofty blue hills, snowed white with
    innumerable villas. After nine months of familiarity with this
    panorama I still think, as I thought in the beginning, that this is
    the fairest picture on our planet, the most enchanting to look upon,
    the most satisfying to the eye & the spirit. To see the sun sink
    down, drowned in his pink & purple & golden floods, & overwhelm
    Florence with tides of color that make all the sharp lines dim &
    faint & turn the solid city into a city of dreams, is a sight to
    stir the coldest nature & make a sympathetic one drunk with ecstasy.
The location of this villa is ideal. It's three miles from Florence, situated on the side of a hill. Beyond some hilltops is Fiesole, perched on its steep terraces; in the immediate foreground is the impressive structure of Ross castle, its walls and towers rich with the earthy weathering of forgotten centuries; in the distant plain lies Florence, painted in shades of pink, gray, and brown, with the bold, large dome of the cathedral dominating the center like a captive balloon, flanked on the right by the smaller dome of the Medici chapel and on the left by the slender tower of the Palazzo Vecchio; all around the horizon is a soft line of tall blue hills, dotted with countless villas. After nine months of getting used to this view, I still feel, as I did at first, that this is the most beautiful scene on our planet, the most captivating to behold, the most satisfying to the eye and the soul. Watching the sun sink down, engulfed in its pink, purple, and gold hues, overwhelming Florence with waves of color that soften all the sharp lines and transform the solid city into a dreamlike vision, is something that can move the coldest heart and leave a sympathetic one feeling ecstatic.

The Clemens household at Florence consisted of Mr. and Mrs. Clemens, Susy, and Jean. Clara had soon returned to Berlin to attend Mrs. Willard's school and for piano instruction. Mrs. Clemens improved in the balmy autumn air of Florence and in the peaceful life of their well-ordered villa. In a memorandum of October 27th Clemens wrote:

The Clemens family in Florence included Mr. and Mrs. Clemens, Susy, and Jean. Clara quickly went back to Berlin to join Mrs. Willard's school and take piano lessons. Mrs. Clemens thrived in the mild autumn air of Florence and in the calm life of their organized villa. In a note dated October 27th, Clemens wrote:

    The first month is finished. We are wonted now. This carefree life
    at a Florentine villa is an ideal existence. The weather is divine,
    the outside aspects lovely, the days and nights tranquil and
    reposeful, the seclusion from the world and its worries as
    satisfactory as a dream. Late in the afternoons friends come out
    from the city & drink tea in the open air & tell what is happening
    in the world; & when the great sun sinks down upon Florence & the
    daily miracle begins they hold their breath & look. It is not a
    time for talk.
    The first month is over. We’ve settled in now. This carefree life at a Florentine villa is the perfect way to live. The weather is amazing, the scenery beautiful, and the days and nights peaceful and relaxing. Being away from the world and its worries feels as satisfying as a dream. In the late afternoons, friends come out from the city to have tea outside and share what’s going on in the world; and when the sun sets over Florence and the daily miracle begins, they hold their breath and watch. It’s not a time for talking.

No wonder he could work in that environment. He finished 'Tom Sawyer Abroad', also a short story, 'The L 1,000,000 Bank-Note' (planned many years before), discovered the literary mistake of the 'Extraordinary Twins' and began converting it into the worthier tale, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson', soon completed and on its way to America.

No wonder he could work in that environment. He finished 'Tom Sawyer Abroad,' also a short story, 'The $1,000,000 Bank-Note' (planned many years before), discovered the literary mistake in 'The Extraordinary Twins,' and started turning it into the better story, 'Pudd'nhead Wilson,' which he soon completed and sent off to America.

With this work out of his hands, Clemens was ready for his great new undertaking. A seed sown by the wind more than forty years before was ready to bloom. He would write the story of Joan of Arc.

With this project off his plate, Clemens was set for his big new venture. A seed planted by the wind over forty years ago was about to flourish. He was going to write the story of Joan of Arc.





CLXXXIII. THE SIEUR DE CONTE AND JOAN

In a note which he made many years later Mark Twain declared that he was fourteen years at work on Joan of Arc; that he had been twelve years preparing for it, and that he was two years in writing it.

In a note he wrote many years later, Mark Twain stated that he spent fourteen years working on Joan of Arc; twelve years preparing for it and two years writing it.

There is nothing in any of his earlier notes or letters to indicate that he contemplated the story of Joan as early as the eighties; but there is a bibliographical list of various works on the subject, probably compiled for him not much later than 1880, for the latest published work of the list bears that date. He was then too busy with his inventions and publishing schemes to really undertake a work requiring such vast preparation; but without doubt he procured a number of books and renewed that old interest begun so long ago when a stray wind had blown a leaf from that tragic life into his own. Joan of Arc, by Janet Tuckey, was apparently the first book he read with the definite idea of study, for this little volume had been recently issued, and his copy, which still exists, is filled with his marginal notes. He did not speak of this volume in discussing the matter in after-years. He may have forgotten it. He dwelt mainly on the old records of the trial which had been dug out and put into modern French by Quicherat; the 'Jeanne d'Arc' of J. Michelet, and the splendid 'Life of the Maid' of Lord Ronald Gower, these being remembered as his chief sources of information.—[The book of Janet Tuckey, however, and ten others, including those mentioned, are credited as “authorities examined in verification” on a front page of his published book. In a letter written at the conclusion of “Joan” in 1895, the author states that in the first two-thirds of the story he used one French and one English authority, while in the last third he had constantly drawn from five French and five English sources.]

There’s nothing in any of his earlier notes or letters to suggest that he was thinking about the story of Joan as early as the 1880s; however, there is a bibliographical list of various works on the subject that was probably created for him not long after 1880, since the latest published work on that list is from that year. At that time, he was too busy with his inventions and publishing plans to really take on a project that required such extensive preparation; but he definitely collected several books and rekindled that old interest that started so long ago when a stray wind had blown a page from that tragic life into his own. "Joan of Arc" by Janet Tuckey was apparently the first book he read with the specific aim of studying it, as this little volume had just been released, and his copy, which still exists, is filled with his notes in the margins. He didn’t mention this volume when discussing the topic in later years; he may have forgotten about it. He mainly focused on the old records of the trial that had been uncovered and translated into modern French by Quicherat, the "Jeanne d'Arc" by J. Michelet, and the outstanding "Life of the Maid" by Lord Ronald Gower, which he remembered as his main sources of information.—[The book by Janet Tuckey, along with ten others including those mentioned, is credited as “authorities examined in verification” on the front page of his published book. In a letter written at the end of “Joan” in 1895, the author states that in the first two-thirds of the story he used one French and one English authority, while in the last third he constantly referred to five French and five English sources.]

“I could not get the Quicherat and some of the other books in English,” he said, “and I had to dig them out of the French. I began the story five times.”

“I couldn't find the Quicherat and some of the other books in English,” he said, “so I had to work through them in French. I started the story five times.”

None of these discarded beginnings exists to-day, but we may believe they were wisely put aside, for no story of the Maid could begin more charmingly, more rarely, than the one supposedly told in his old age by Sieur Louis de Conte, secretary of Joan of Arc, and translated by Jean Francois Alden for the world to read. The impulse which had once prompted Mark Twain to offer The Prince and the Pauper anonymously now prevailed. He felt that the Prince had missed a certain appreciation by being connected with his signature, and he resolved that its companion piece (he so regarded Joan) should be accepted on its merits and without prejudice. Walking the floor one day at Viviani, smoking vigorously, he said to Mrs. Clemens and Susy:

None of these discarded beginnings exists today, but we can assume they were wisely set aside, since no story about the Maid could start more charmingly or uniquely than the one supposedly shared in his old age by Sieur Louis de Conte, secretary to Joan of Arc, and translated by Jean Francois Alden for the world to enjoy. The urge that once led Mark Twain to publish The Prince and the Pauper anonymously resurfaced. He felt that the Prince didn't receive the appreciation it deserved because it was linked to his name, so he decided that its companion piece (which he considered Joan) should be judged on its own merits, free from bias. While pacing back and forth one day at Viviani, smoking energetically, he said to Mrs. Clemens and Susy:

“I shall never be accepted seriously over my own signature. People always want to laugh over what I write and are disappointed if they don't find a joke in it. This is to be a serious book. It means more to me than anything I have ever undertaken. I shall write it anonymously.”

“I will never be taken seriously under my own name. People always want to laugh at what I write and feel let down if they don’t find a joke in it. This is going to be a serious book. It means more to me than anything else I’ve ever done. I will write it anonymously.”

So it was that that gentle, quaint Sieur de Conte took up the pen, and the tale of Joan was begun in that beautiful spot which of all others seems now the proper environment for its lovely telling.

So it was that the gentle, charming Sieur de Conte picked up the pen, and the story of Joan started in that beautiful place which, more than any other, now feels like the perfect setting for its lovely telling.

He wrote rapidly once he got his plan perfected and his material arranged. The reading of his youth and manhood, with the vivid impressions of that earlier time, became now something remembered, not merely as reading, but as fact.

He wrote quickly once he finalized his plan and organized his materials. The books he read in his youth and adulthood, along with the strong memories from that earlier time, now felt like something recalled, not just as reading, but as reality.

Others of the family went down into the city almost daily, but he remained in that still garden with Joan as his companion—the old Sieur de Conte, saturated with memories, pouring out that marvelous and tragic tale. At the end of each day he would read to the others what he had written, to their enjoyment and wonder.

Others in the family went down to the city almost daily, but he stayed in that quiet garden with Joan as his companion—the old Sieur de Conte, filled with memories, sharing that amazing and tragic story. At the end of each day, he would read to the others what he had written, to their enjoyment and amazement.

How rapidly he worked may be judged from a letter which he wrote to Hall in February, in which he said:

How quickly he worked can be seen in a letter he wrote to Hall in February, in which he said:

I am writing a companion piece to 'The Prince and the Pauper', which is half done & will make 200,000 words.

I’m working on a companion piece to 'The Prince and the Pauper,' which is halfway done and will be 200,000 words long.

That is to say, he had written one hundred thousand words in a period of perhaps six weeks, marvelous work when one remembers that after all he was writing history, some of which he must dig laboriously from a foreign source. He had always, more or less, kept up his study of the French, begun so long ago on the river and it stood him in good stead now. Still, it was never easy for him, and the multitude of notes along the margin of his French authorities bears evidence of his faithfulness and the magnitude of his toil. No previous work had ever required so much of him, such thorough knowledge; none had ever so completely commanded his interest. He would have been willing to remain shut away from visitors, to have been released altogether from social obligations; and he did avoid most of them. Not all, for he could not always escape, and perhaps did not always really wish to. Florence and its suburbs were full of delightful people—some of them his old friends. There were luncheons, dinners, teas, dances, concerts, operas always in progress somewhere, and not all of these were to be resisted even by an absorbed author who was no longer himself, but sad old Sieur de Conte, following again the banner of the Maid of Orleans, marshaling her twilight armies across his illumined page.

In other words, he had written a hundred thousand words in about six weeks, which is incredible when you consider that he was writing history, some of which he had to painstakingly gather from foreign sources. He had always kept up with his French studies, which he started a long time ago by the river, and it really helped him now. Still, it was never easy for him, and the countless notes in the margins of his French sources show how dedicated he was and the extent of his effort. No previous work had ever demanded so much from him, such deep knowledge; none had captured his interest so completely. He would have been happy to stay isolated from visitors and to be completely free from social obligations; and he did avoid most of them. Not all, as he couldn’t always escape, and maybe he didn’t always want to. Florence and its surroundings were full of interesting people—some of them his old friends. There were lunches, dinners, teas, dances, concerts, operas always happening somewhere, and not all of these could be passed up even by someone so focused on his work, who was no longer himself, but the weary old Sieur de Conte, once again following the banner of the Maid of Orleans, guiding her twilight armies across his illuminated page.





CLXXXIV. NEW HOPE IN THE MACHINE

If all human events had not been ordered in the first act of the primal atom, and so become inevitable, it would seem a pity now that he must abandon his work half-way, and make another hard, distracting trip to America.

If all human events hadn't been set in motion from the very beginning with the primal atom, making them unavoidable, it would be a shame now that he has to leave his work unfinished and take another tough, distracting trip to America.

But it was necessary for him to go. Even Hall was no longer optimistic. His letters provided only the barest shreds of hope. Times were hard and there was every reason to believe they would be worse. The World's Fair year promised to be what it speedily became—one of the hardest financial periods this country has ever seen. Chicago could hardly have selected a more profitless time for her great exposition. Clemens wrote urging Hall to sell out all, or a portion, of the business—to do anything, indeed, that would avoid the necessity of further liability and increased dread. Every payment that could be spared from the sales of his manuscript was left in Hall's hands, and such moneys as still came to Mrs. Clemens from her Elmira interests were flung into the general fund. The latter were no longer large, for Langdon & Co. were suffering heavily in the general depression, barely hoping to weather the financial storm.

But he had to go. Even Hall wasn’t feeling optimistic anymore. His letters offered only the slightest glimmers of hope. Times were tough, and there were plenty of reasons to think they’d get even worse. The year of the World's Fair turned out to be just what it quickly became—one of the hardest financial periods this country has ever faced. Chicago couldn't have picked a worse time for its grand exhibition. Clemens wrote, urging Hall to sell everything, or at least part of the business—to do anything that would prevent further liability and growing anxiety. Every payment that could be spared from the sales of his manuscript was left with Hall, and any money that still came to Mrs. Clemens from her Elmira interests was thrown into the general fund. The latter was no longer significant, as Langdon & Co. were hurting badly in the widespread downturn, barely hoping to survive the financial crisis.

It is interesting to note that age and misfortune and illness had a tempering influence on Mark Twain's nature. Instead of becoming harsh and severe and bitter, he had become more gentle, more kindly. He wrote often to Hall, always considerately, even tenderly. Once, when something in Hall's letter suggested that he had perhaps been severe, he wrote:

It’s worth noting that age, misfortune, and illness softened Mark Twain's personality. Instead of becoming harsh, severe, and bitter, he became gentler and kinder. He frequently wrote to Hall, always with consideration, even tenderness. Once, when something in Hall's letter hinted that he might have been too harsh, he wrote:

    Mrs. Clemens is deeply distressed, for she thinks I have been
    blaming you or finding fault with you about something. But most
    assuredly that cannot be. I tell her that although I am prone to
    write hasty and regrettable things to other people I am not a bit
    likely to write such things to you. I can't believe I have done
    anything so ungrateful. If I have, pile coals of fire upon my head
    for I deserve it. You have done magnificently with the business, &
    we must raise the money somehow to enable you to reap a reward for
    all that labor.
    Mrs. Clemens is really upset because she thinks I've been blaming you or complaining about you. But that's definitely not the case. I tell her that even though I sometimes write things too quickly and regret them later, I would never do that with you. I can't believe I've done something so ungrateful. If I have, then I deserve any consequences that come my way. You've done an amazing job with the business, and we need to find a way to raise the money so you can be rewarded for all your hard work.

He was fond of Hall. He realized how honest and resolute and industrious he had been. In another letter he wrote him that it was wonderful he had been able to “keep the ship afloat in the storm that has seen fleets and fleets go down”; and he added: “Mrs. Clemens says I must tell you not to send us any money for a month or two, so that you may be afforded what little relief is in our power.”

He really liked Hall. He acknowledged how honest, determined, and hardworking he had been. In another letter, he told him it was amazing that he had managed to “keep the ship afloat in the storm that has seen fleets and fleets go down.” He also added: “Mrs. Clemens says I must tell you not to send us any money for a month or two, so that you can have whatever little help we can give you.”

The type-setter situation seemed to promise something. In fact, the machine once more had become the principal hope of financial salvation. The new company seemed really to begetting ahead in spite of the money stringency, and was said to have fifty machines well under way. About the middle of March Clemens packed up two of his shorter manuscripts which he had written at odd times and forwarded them to Hall, in the hope that they would be disposed of and the money waiting him on his arrival; and a week later, March 22, 1893, he sailed from Genoa on the Kaiser Wilhelm II, a fine, new boat. One of the manuscripts was 'The Californian's Tale' and the other was 'Adam's Diary'.—[It seems curious that neither of these tales should have found welcome with the magazines. “The Californian's Tale” was published in the Liber Scriptorum, an Authors' Club book, edited by Arthur Stedman. The 'Diary' was disposed of to the Niagara Book, a souvenir of Niagara Falls, which contained sketches by Howells, Clemens, and others. Harper's Magazine republished both these stories in later years—the Diary especially with great success.]

The typesetter situation seemed promising. In fact, the machine had once again become the main hope for financial salvation. The new company appeared to be making progress despite the tight money situation, and it was said to have fifty machines in production. Around mid-March, Clemens packed up two of his shorter manuscripts that he had written during spare moments and sent them to Hall, hoping they would be sold and that money would await him upon his arrival. A week later, on March 22, 1893, he set sail from Genoa on the Kaiser Wilhelm II, a beautiful new ship. One of the manuscripts was 'The Californian's Tale,' and the other was 'Adam's Diary.'—[It's strange that neither of these tales found a welcome in the magazines. “The Californian's Tale” was published in the Liber Scriptorum, a book by the Authors' Club, edited by Arthur Stedman. The 'Diary' was included in the Niagara Book, a souvenir of Niagara Falls, which featured sketches by Howells, Clemens, and others. Harper's Magazine later republished both stories, with the Diary especially enjoying great success.]

Some joke was likely to be played on Mark Twain during these ocean journeys, and for this particular voyage an original one was planned. They knew how he would fume and swear if he should be discovered with dutiable goods and held up in the Custom House, and they planned for this effect. A few days before arriving in New York one passenger after another came to him, each with a box of expensive cigars, and some pleasant speech expressing friendship and appreciation and a hope that they would be remembered in absence, etc., until he had perhaps ten or a dozen very choice boxes of smoking material. He took them all with gratitude and innocence. He had never declared any dutiable baggage, entering New York alone, and it never occurred to him that he would need to do so now. His trunk and bags were full; he had the cigars made into a nice package, to be carried handily, and on his arrival at the North German Lloyd docks stood waiting among his things for the formality of Customs examination, his friends assembled for the explosion.

Some kind of prank was bound to be pulled on Mark Twain during these ocean trips, and for this specific voyage, a clever one was in the works. They knew how he would get upset if he were caught with items that required duty payment and delayed at Customs, so they set out to create that scenario. A few days before reaching New York, each passenger approached him one by one, presenting a box of expensive cigars along with some friendly words expressing their appreciation and a hope to be remembered while apart, and so on, until he ended up with maybe ten or a dozen boxes of premium cigars. He accepted them all with gratitude and naivety. Having entered New York alone, he had never declared any dutiable luggage, and it didn't cross his mind that he needed to do so now. His trunk and bags were packed full; he arranged the cigars into a manageable package, and upon arriving at the North German Lloyd docks, he stood waiting with his belongings for the Customs inspection, his friends gathered nearby for the big reveal.

They had not calculated well; the Custom-House official came along presently with the usual “Open your baggage, please,” then suddenly recognizing the owner of it he said:

They hadn't planned well; the Custom-House official came by soon enough with the usual "Please open your baggage," then suddenly recognizing the owner, he said:

“Oh, Mr. Clemens, excuse me. We have orders to extend to you the courtesies of the port. No examination of your effects is necessary.”

“Oh, Mr. Clemens, sorry to interrupt. We’ve been instructed to extend the port's hospitality to you. There’s no need to inspect your belongings.”

It was the evening of Monday, April 3d, when he landed in New York and went to the Hotel Glenham. In his notes he tells of having a two-hour talk with Howells on the following night. They had not seen each other for two years, and their correspondence had been broken off. It was a happy, even if somewhat sad, reunion, for they were no longer young, and when they called the roll of friends there were many vacancies. They had reached an age where some one they loved died every year. Writing to Mrs. Crane, Clemens speaks of the ghosts of memory; then he says:

It was the evening of Monday, April 3rd, when he arrived in New York and went to the Hotel Glenham. In his notes, he mentions having a two-hour conversation with Howells the following night. They hadn't seen each other in two years, and their correspondence had stopped. It was a joyful, though somewhat bittersweet, reunion since they were no longer young, and when they went over their list of friends, there were many missing. They had reached an age where someone they loved passed away every year. Writing to Mrs. Crane, Clemens refers to the ghosts of memory; then he says:

    I dreamed I was born & grew up & was a pilot on the Mississippi & a
    miner & a journalist in Nevada & a pilgrim in the Quaker City & had
    a wife & children & went to live in a villa at Florence—& this
    dream goes on & on & sometimes seems so real that I almost believe
    it is real. I wonder if it is? But there is no way to tell, for if
    one applies tests they would be part of the dream, too, & so would
    simply aid the deceit. I wish I knew whether it is a dream or real.
I dreamt I was born, grew up, was a pilot on the Mississippi, a miner, a journalist in Nevada, a pilgrim in the Quaker City, and had a wife and kids. I lived in a villa in Florence—and the dream just keeps going, sometimes feeling so real that I almost believe it is real. I wonder if it is? But there's no way to tell, because if I try to test it, those tests would be part of the dream, too, and would just add to the confusion. I wish I knew if it’s a dream or real.

He was made handsomely welcome in New York. His note-book says:

He was warmly welcomed in New York. His notebook says:

    Wednesday. Dined with Mary Mapes Dodge, Howells, Rudyard Kipling &
    wife, Clarke,—[ William Fayal Clarke, now editor of St. Nicholas
    Magazine.]—Jamie Dodge & wife.

    Thursday, 6th. Dined with Andrew Carnegie, Prof. Goldwin Smith,
    John Cameron, Mr. Glenn. Creation of league for absorbing Canada
    into our Union. Carnegie also wants to add Great Britain & Ireland.
    Wednesday. Had dinner with Mary Mapes Dodge, Howells, Rudyard Kipling & his wife, Clarke,—[ William Fayal Clarke, now editor of St. Nicholas Magazine.]—Jamie Dodge & his wife.

    Thursday, 6th. Had dinner with Andrew Carnegie, Prof. Goldwin Smith, John Cameron, Mr. Glenn. Discussion about forming a league to bring Canada into our Union. Carnegie also wants to include Great Britain & Ireland.

It was on this occasion that Carnegie made his celebrated maxim about the basket and the eggs. Clemens was suggesting that Carnegie take an interest in the typesetter, and quoted the old adage that one should not put all of his eggs into one basket. Carnegie regarded him through half-closed lids, as was his custom, and answered:

It was on this occasion that Carnegie made his famous saying about the basket and the eggs. Clemens was suggesting that Carnegie take an interest in the typesetter and quoted the old saying that one shouldn't put all their eggs in one basket. Carnegie looked at him with half-closed eyes, as was his custom, and replied:

    “That's a mistake; put all your eggs into one basket—and watch that
    basket.”
 
“That’s a mistake; put all your eggs in one basket—and keep an eye on that basket.”

He had not come to America merely for entertainment. He was at the New York office of the type-setter company, acquiring there what seemed to be good news, for he was assured that his interests were being taken care of, and that within a year at most his royalty returns would place him far beyond the fear of want. He forwarded this good news to Italy, where it was sorely needed, for Mrs. Clemens found her courage not easy to sustain in his absence. That he had made his letter glowing enough, we may gather from her answer.

He hadn’t come to America just for fun. He was at the New York office of the typesetter company, getting what seemed like good news, as he was assured that his interests were being taken care of, and that within a year at most, his royalty returns would leave him well off. He sent this good news to Italy, where it was badly needed, because Mrs. Clemens found it hard to stay strong without him. We can tell that he made his letter sound positive enough from her response.

    It does not seem credible that we are really again to have money to
    spend. I think I will jump around and spend money just for fun, and
    give a little away, if we really get some. What should we do and
    how should we feel if we had no bright prospects before us, and yet
    how many people are situated in that way?
    It doesn’t seem believable that we’re actually going to have money to spend again. I think I’ll celebrate and spend some cash just for fun, and maybe donate a little too, if we really do get some. What should we do and how should we feel if we had no promising future ahead of us? Yet, so many people find themselves in that situation.

He decided to make another trip to Chicago to verify, with his own eyes, the manufacturing reports, and to see Paige, who would appear to have become more elusive than ever as to contracts, written and implied. He took Hall with him, and wrote Orion to meet him at the Great Northern Hotel. This would give him a chance to see Orion and would give Orion a chance to see the great Fair. He was in Chicago eleven days, and in bed with a heavy cold almost the whole of that time. Paige came to see him at his rooms, and, as always, was rich in prospects and promises; full of protestations that, whatever came, when the tide of millions rolled in, they would share and share alike. The note-book says:

He decided to take another trip to Chicago to check out the manufacturing reports for himself and to see Paige, who seemed to have become more elusive than ever regarding contracts, both written and implied. He brought Hall along and messaged Orion to meet him at the Great Northern Hotel. This would give him a chance to see Orion and also let Orion check out the impressive Fair. He spent eleven days in Chicago, mostly in bed with a bad cold. Paige visited him in his room and, as always, was full of promises and potential; insisting that, no matter what happened, when the flood of millions came in, they would share everything equally. The notebook says:

    Paige shed even more tears than usual. What a talker he is! He
    could persuade a fish to come out and take a walk with him. When he
    is present I always believe him; I can't help it.
    Paige cried even more than usual. What a smooth talker he is! He could convince a fish to come out and take a walk with him. When he’s around, I always believe him; I can’t help it.

Clemens returned to New York as soon as he was able to travel. Going down in the elevator a man stepped in from one of the floors swearing violently. Clemens, leaning over to Hall, with his hand to his mouth, and in a whisper audible to every one, said:

Clemens came back to New York as soon as he could travel. As he was going down in the elevator, a man got in from one of the floors, cursing loudly. Clemens leaned over to Hall, covering his mouth with his hand, and whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear:

“Bishop of Chicago.”

"Chicago Bishop."

The man, with a quick glance, recognized his fellow-passenger and subsided.

The man, with a quick glance, recognized his fellow passenger and quieted down.

On May 13th Clemens took the Kaiser Wilhelm II. for Genoa. He had accomplished little, but he was in better spirits as to the machine. If only the strain of his publishing business had slackened even for a moment! Night and day it was always with him. Hall presently wrote that the condition of the money-market was “something beyond description. You cannot get money on anything short of government bonds.” The Mount Morris Bank would no longer handle their paper. The Clemens household resorted to economies hitherto undreamed of. Mrs. Clemens wrote to her sister that she really did not see sometimes where their next money would come from. She reported that her husband got up in the night and walked the floor in his distress.

On May 13th, Clemens set out for Genoa aboard the Kaiser Wilhelm II. He hadn’t achieved much, but he felt more optimistic about the machine. If only the pressure of his publishing business had eased even for a moment! It was on his mind day and night. Hall soon wrote that the state of the money-market was “beyond description. You can’t get money on anything less than government bonds.” The Mount Morris Bank had stopped handling their paper. The Clemens family had to cut back in ways they never expected. Mrs. Clemens wrote to her sister that sometimes she really didn’t know where their next money would come from. She mentioned that her husband was getting up at night and pacing the floor, troubled about their situation.

He wrote again to Hall, urging him to sell and get rid of the debts and responsibilities at whatever sacrifice:

He wrote to Hall again, encouraging him to sell and eliminate the debts and responsibilities, no matter the cost:

    I am terribly tired of business. I am by nature and disposition
    unfit for it, & I want to get out of it. I am standing on the Mount
    Morris volcano with help from the machine a long, long way off—&
    doubtless a long way further off than the Connecticut company
    imagine.

    Get me out of business!
    I'm really tired of business. I'm just not cut out for it, and I want to get out. I'm standing on the Mount Morris volcano with help from the machine way, way off— and probably a lot further away than the Connecticut company thinks.

    Get me out of business!

He knew something of the delays of completing a typesetting machine, and he had little faith in any near relief from that source. He wrote again to Hall, urging him to sell some of his type-setter royalties. They should be worth something now since the manufacturing company was actually in operation; but with the terrible state of the money-market there was no sale for anything. Clemens attempted to work, but put in most of his time footing up on the margin of his manuscript the amount of his indebtedness, the expenses of his household, and the possibilities of his income. It was weary, hard, nerve-racking employment. About the middle of June they closed Viviani. Susy Clemens went to Paris to cultivate her voice, a rare soprano, with a view to preparing for the operatic stage. Clemens took Mrs. Clemens, with little Jean, to Germany for the baths. Clara, who had graduated from Mrs. Willard's school in Berlin, joined them in Munich, and somewhat later Susy also joined them, for Madame Marchesi, the great master of voice-culture, had told her that she must acquire physique to carry that voice of hers before she would undertake to teach her.

He was aware of the delays in finishing a typesetting machine, and he didn’t have much hope for any quick relief from that situation. He wrote to Hall again, encouraging him to sell some of his type-setter royalties. They should be valuable now since the manufacturing company was actually up and running; however, with the awful state of the money market, there was no demand for anything. Clemens tried to work, but spent most of his time calculating on the margins of his manuscript the amount he owed, his household expenses, and the potential for his income. It was exhausting, difficult, and stressful work. Around the middle of June, they discontinued Viviani. Susy Clemens went to Paris to train her voice, a rare soprano, in preparation for the operatic stage. Clemens took Mrs. Clemens and little Jean to Germany for the baths. Clara, who had graduated from Mrs. Willard's school in Berlin, joined them in Munich, and later Susy also joined them because Madame Marchesi, the renowned voice coach, had told her she needed to develop her physique to support her voice before she would begin teaching her.

In spite of his disturbed state of mind Clemens must have completed some literary work during this period, for we find first mention, in a letter to Hall, of his immortal defense of Harriet Shelley, a piece of writing all the more marvelous when we consider the conditions of its performance. Characteristically, in the same letter, he suddenly develops a plan for a new enterprise—this time for a magazine which Arthur Stedman or his father will edit, and the Webster company will publish as soon as their present burdens are unloaded. But we hear no more of this project.

Despite his troubled state of mind, Clemens must have done some writing during this time, as we see the first mention in a letter to Hall of his timeless defense of Harriet Shelley, a piece of writing that’s even more impressive considering the circumstances under which it was created. In the same letter, he suddenly comes up with a plan for a new venture—this time for a magazine that either Arthur Stedman or his father would edit, and the Webster company would publish as soon as they could offload their current projects. However, we never hear about this project again.

But by August he was half beside himself with anxiety. On the 6th he wrote Hall:

But by August he was half out of his mind with anxiety. On the 6th he wrote Hall:

    Here we never see a newspaper, but even if we did I could not come
    anywhere near appreciating or correctly estimating the tempest you
    have been buffeting your way through—only the man who is in it can
    do that—but I have tried not to burden you thoughtlessly or
    wantonly. I have been overwrought & unsettled in mind by
    apprehensions, & that is a thing that is not helpable when one is in
    a strange land & sees his resources melt down to a two months'
    supply & can't see any sure daylight beyond. The bloody machine
    offers but a doubtful outlook—& will still offer nothing much
    better for a long time to come; for when the “three weeks” are up,
    there will be three months' tinkering to follow, I guess. That is
    unquestionably the boss machine of the world, but is the toughest
    one on prophets when it is in an incomplete state that has ever seen
    the light.
Here, we never see a newspaper, but even if we did, I couldn't begin to appreciate or accurately judge the storm you've been navigating—only someone going through it can do that. I've tried not to burden you thoughtlessly or cruelly. I've been anxious and on edge due to worries, which is something that can't be avoided when you're in a foreign land and watch your resources dwindle to a two-month supply without any clear future in sight. The awful machine provides only a questionable outlook—and it won't get much better for a long while. When the "three weeks" are up, there will probably be three months of tinkering to follow. It might be the most powerful machine in the world, but it's the toughest one for prophets when it's still incomplete that has ever existed.

And three days later:

Three days later:

    Great Scott, but it's a long year—for you & me! I never knew the
    almanac to drag so. At least not since I was finishing that other
    machine.

    I watch for your letters hungrily—just as I used to watch for the
    telegram saying the machine's finished—but when “next week
    certainly” suddenly swelled into “three weeks sure” I recognized the
    old familiar tune I used to hear so much. W——don't know what
    sick-heartedness is—but he is in a way to find out.
    Great Scott, it's been a long year—for both of us! I’ve never seen the calendar drag on so much. At least not since I was wrapping up that other machine.

    I eagerly wait for your letters—just like I used to wait for the telegram saying the machine was done—but when “next week for sure” suddenly turned into “three weeks guaranteed,” I recognized that familiar tune I used to hear so often. W—don’t know what it feels like to be heartbroken—but he’s about to find out.

And finally, on the 4th:

And finally, on the 4th:

    I am very glad indeed if you and Mr. Langdon are able to see any
    daylight ahead. To me none is visible. I strongly advise that
    every penny that comes in shall be applied to paying off debts. I
    may be in error about this, but it seems to me that we have no other
    course open. We can pay a part of the debts owing to outsiders
    —none to Clemenses. In very prosperous times we might regard our
    stock & copyrights as assets sufficient, with the money owing to us,
    to square up & quit even, but I suppose we may not hope for such
    luck in the present condition of things.

    What I am mainly hoping for is to save my book royalties. If they
    come into danger I hope you will cable me so that I can come over &
    try to save them, for if they go I am a beggar.

    I would sail to-day if I had anybody to take charge of my family &
    help them through the difficult journeys commanded by the doctors.
    I’m really glad to hear that you and Mr. Langdon see some hope ahead. I can't see any. I strongly recommend that every cent we get goes toward paying off our debts. I could be wrong about this, but it seems like we have no other options. We can pay part of the debts we owe to outsiders—but none to Clemenses. In better times, we might consider our stock and copyrights as enough assets, along with the money owed to us, to settle everything and break even, but I doubt we'll be that lucky given the current situation.

    What I'm really hoping for is to protect my book royalties. If they’re at risk, please wire me so I can come over and try to save them, because if I lose them, I’ll be broke.

    I would leave today if I had someone to take care of my family and help them through the tough travels the doctors have ordered.

A few days later he could stand it no longer, and on August 29 (1893) sailed, the second time that year, for New York.

A few days later, he couldn't take it anymore, and on August 29 (1893), he set sail for New York for the second time that year.





CLXXXV. AN INTRODUCTION TO H. H. ROGERS

Clemens took a room at The Players—“a cheap room,” he wrote, “at $1.50 per day.” It was now the end of September, the beginning of a long half-year, during which Mark Twain's fortunes were at a lower ebb than ever before; lower, even, than during those mining days among the bleak Esmeralda hills. Then he had no one but him self and was young. Now, at fifty-eight, he had precious lives dependent upon him, and he was weighed down with a vast burden of debt. The liabilities of Charles L. Webster & Co. were fully two hundred thousand dollars. Something like sixty thousand dollars of this was money supplied by Mrs. Clemens, but the vast remaining sum was due to banks, to printers, to binders, and to dealers in various publishing materials. Somehow it must be paid. As for their assets, they looked ample enough on paper, but in reality, at a time like this, they were problematical. In fact, their value was very doubtful indeed. What he was to do Clemens did not know. He could not even send cheerful reports to Europe. There was no longer anything to promise concerning the type-setter. The fifty machines which the company had started to build had dwindled to ten machines; there was a prospect that the ten would dwindle to one, and that one a reconstruction of the original Hartford product, which had cost so much money and so many weary years. Clemens spent a good part of his days at The Players, reading or trying to write or seeking to divert his mind in the company of the congenial souls there, waiting for-he knew not what.

Clemens rented a room at The Players—“a cheap room,” he wrote, “for $1.50 a day.” It was now the end of September, the start of a long six months when Mark Twain's situation was worse than ever; even worse than during those mining days in the desolate Esmeralda hills. Back then, he had no one but himself and was young. Now, at fifty-eight, he had precious lives depending on him and was burdened with a massive amount of debt. The liabilities of Charles L. Webster & Co. were over two hundred thousand dollars. About sixty thousand of that was money from Mrs. Clemens, but the vast remainder was owed to banks, printers, binders, and suppliers of various publishing materials. Somehow, it had to be paid. Their assets seemed sufficient on paper, but in reality, during a time like this, they were uncertain. In fact, their value was highly questionable. Clemens didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t even send optimistic updates to Europe. There was no longer anything promising about the type-setter. The fifty machines the company had started building had dropped to ten machines; there was a chance those ten would shrink to one, and that one would be a reworked version of the original Hartford model, which had cost so much money and so many exhausting years. Clemens spent much of his time at The Players, reading, trying to write, or seeking distraction among the like-minded people there, waiting for—he didn’t know what.

Yet at this very moment a factor was coming into his life, a human element, a man to whom in his old age Mark Twain owed more than to any other of his myriad of friends. One night, when he was with Dr. Clarence C. Rice at the Murray Hill Hotel, Rice said:

Yet at this very moment, someone was entering his life, a human element, a man to whom in his later years Mark Twain owed more than to any of his countless friends. One night, while he was with Dr. Clarence C. Rice at the Murray Hill Hotel, Rice said:

“Clemens, I want you to know my friend, Mr. H. H. Rogers. He is an admirer of your books.”

“Clemens, I want you to meet my friend, Mr. H. H. Rogers. He really likes your books.”

Clemens turned and was looking into the handsome, clean-cut features of the great financier, whose name was hardly so familiar then as it became at a later period, but whose power was already widely known and felt among his kind.

Clemens turned and looked into the attractive, well-defined features of the great financier, whose name wasn’t as well-known at the time as it would later become, but whose influence was already widely recognized and experienced among his peers.

“Mr. Clemens,” said Mr. Rogers, “I was one of your early admirers. I heard you lecture a long time ago on the Sandwich Islands. I was interested in the subject in those days, and I heard that Mark Twain was a man who had been there. I didn't suppose I'd have any difficulty getting a seat, but I did; the house was jammed. When I came away I realized that Mark Twain was a great man, and I have read everything of yours since that I could get hold of.”

“Mr. Clemens,” said Mr. Rogers, “I was one of your early fans. I heard you give a lecture a long time ago about the Sandwich Islands. I was interested in the topic back then, and I heard that

They sat down at a table, and Clemens told some of his amusing stories. Rogers was in a perpetual gale of laughter. When at last he rose to go the author and the financier were as old friends. Mr. Rogers urged him to visit him at his home. He must introduce him to Mrs. Rogers, he said, who was also his warm admirer. It was only a little while after this that Dr. Rice said to the millionaire:

They sat down at a table, and Clemens shared some of his funny stories. Rogers was constantly laughing. When he finally got up to leave, the author and the financier felt like old friends. Mr. Rogers invited him to visit at his home, saying he had to introduce him to Mrs. Rogers, who was also a big fan. It wasn't long after this that Dr. Rice said to the millionaire:

“Mr. Rogers, I wish you would look into Clemens's finances a little: I am afraid they are a good deal confused.”

“Mr. Rogers, I wish you would take a look at Clemens's finances: I'm afraid they're pretty messy.”

This would be near the end of September, 1893. On October 18 Clemens wrote home concerning a possible combination of Webster & Co. with John Brisben Walker, of the 'Cosmopolitan', and added:

This would be near the end of September 1893. On October 18, Clemens wrote home about a potential partnership between Webster & Co. and John Brisben Walker of the 'Cosmopolitan', and added:

    I have got the best and wisest man of the whole Standard Oil group-a
    multi-millionaire—a good deal interested in looking into the type-
    setter. He has been searching into that thing for three weeks and
    yesterday he said to me:

    “I find the machine to be all you represent it. I have here
    exhaustive reports from my own experts, and I know every detail of
    its capacity, its immense construction, its cost, its history, and
    all about its inventor's character. I know that the New York
    company and the Chicago company are both stupid, and that they are
    unbusinesslike people, destitute of money and in a hopeless boggle.”

      Then he told me the scheme he had planned and said:

    “If I can arrange with these people on this basis—it will take
    several weeks to find out—I will see to it that they get the money
    they need. In the mean time you 'stop walking the floor'.”
 
    I have the best and smartest guy from the whole Standard Oil group—a multi-millionaire—who's really interested in looking into the typesetter. He’s been investigating it for three weeks, and yesterday he said to me:

    “I find the machine to be exactly as you described. I have detailed reports from my own experts, and I know every detail about its capacity, its massive construction, its cost, its history, and all about the inventor’s character. I know that both the New York company and the Chicago company are clueless, and they are unprofessional, broke, and in a total mess.”

    Then he told me the plan he had in mind and said:

    “If I can work something out with these people on this basis—it'll take a few weeks to find out—I’ll make sure they get the funding they need. In the meantime, you can stop worrying.”

Of course, with this encouragement, Clemens was in the clouds again. Furthermore, Rogers had suggested to his son-in-law, William Evarts Benjamin, also a subscription publisher, that he buy from the Webster company The Library of American Literature for fifty thousand dollars, a sum which provided for the more insistent creditors. There was hope that the worst was over. Clemens did in reality give up walking the floor, and for the time, at least, found happier diversions. He must not return to Europe as yet, for the type-setter matter was still far from conclusion. On the 11th of November he was gorgeously entertained by the Lotos Club in its new building. Introducing him, President Frank Lawrence said:

Of course, with this encouragement, Clemens was on cloud nine again. Furthermore, Rogers suggested to his son-in-law, William Evarts Benjamin, who was also a subscription publisher, that he buy The Library of American Literature from the Webster company for fifty thousand dollars, which would take care of the more urgent creditors. There was hope that the worst was behind them. Clemens actually stopped pacing around, and for the time being, found more enjoyable distractions. He shouldn't return to Europe just yet, since the typesetter issue was still far from being resolved. On November 11th, he was treated to an elaborate evening by the Lotos Club in its new building. Introducing him, President Frank Lawrence said:

“What name is there in literature that can be likened to his? Perhaps some of the distinguished gentlemen about this table can tell us, but I know of none. Himself his only parallel, it seems to me. He is all our own—a ripe and perfect product of the American soil.”

“What name in literature can compare to his? Maybe some of the distinguished gentlemen at this table can help us, but I don't know of any. He stands alone; it seems to me he's truly unique. He is entirely ours—a fully developed and perfect product of American culture.”





CLXXXVI. “THE BELLE OF NEW YORK”

Those were feverish weeks of waiting, with days of alternate depression and exaltation as the pendulum swung to and fro between hope and despair. By daylight Clemens tried to keep himself strenuously busy; evenings and nights he plunged into social activities—dinners, amusements, suppers, balls, and the like. He was besieged with invitations, sought for by the gayest and the greatest; “Jamie” Dodge conferred upon him the appropriate title: of “The Belle of New York.” In his letters home he describes in detail many of the festivities and the wildness with which he has flung himself into them, dilating on his splendid renewal of health, his absolute immunity from fatigue. He attributes this to his indifference to diet and regularities of meals and sleep; but we may guess that it was due to a reaction from having shifted his burden to stronger financial shoulders. Henry Rogers had taken his load upon him.

Those were intense weeks of waiting, filled with days of ups and downs as the mood swung between hope and despair. During the day, Clemens kept himself busy; in the evenings and at night, he dove into social activities—dinners, outings, parties, balls, and more. He was flooded with invitations, sought after by the most lively and prominent people; “Jamie” Dodge even gave him the fitting title of “The Belle of New York.” In his letters home, he shares in detail many of the celebrations and the excitement with which he threw himself into them, elaborating on his remarkable recovery and his complete lack of fatigue. He credits this to his carefree attitude toward diet and meal schedules, but we can guess it was more about having shifted his burdens to stronger financial support. Henry Rogers had taken on his responsibilities.

“It rests me,” Rogers said, “to experiment with the affairs of a friend when I am tired of my own. You enjoy yourself. Let me work at the puzzle a little.”

“It relaxes me,” Rogers said, “to get involved in a friend's problems when I'm worn out from my own. Have fun. Let me work on this puzzle for a bit.”

And Clemens, though his conscience pricked him, obeyed, as was his habit at such times. To Mrs. Clemens (in Paris now, at the Hotel Brighton) he wrote:

And Clemens, even though he felt guilty, followed orders, as he usually did in those moments. He wrote to Mrs. Clemens (currently in Paris, at the Hotel Brighton):

    He is not common clay, but fine-fine & delicate. I did hate to
    burden his good heart & overworked head, but he took hold with
    avidity & said it was no burden to work for his friends, but a
    pleasure. When I arrived in September, Lord! how black the prospect
    was & how desperate, how incurably desperate! Webster & Co. had to
    have a small sum of money or go under at once. I flew to Hartford
    —to my friends—but they were not moved, not strongly interested, &
    I was ashamed that I went. It was from Mr. Rogers, a stranger, that
    I got the money and was by it saved. And then—while still a
    stranger—he set himself the task of saving my financial life
    without putting upon me (in his native delicacy) any sense that I
    was the recipient of a charity, a benevolence. He gave time to me
    —time, which could not be bought by any man at $100,000 a
    month—no, nor for three times the money.
    He isn't ordinary, but rather exceptional and sensitive. I really didn't want to burden his kind heart and tired mind, but he eagerly stepped up and said it was no burden to help his friends, but a joy. When I got to Hartford in September, the situation looked so bleak and hopeless, so utterly hopeless! Webster & Co. needed a small amount of money or they'd go under immediately. I rushed to Hartford—to my friends—but they weren't interested or concerned enough, and I felt embarrassed for even asking. It was from Mr. Rogers, a stranger, that I managed to get the money and was saved by it. And then—while still a stranger—he took on the task of saving my financial situation without making me feel (in his natural sensitivity) like I was receiving charity or a favor. He dedicated his time to me—time that couldn't be bought by any man for $100,000 a month—no, nor even for three times that amount.

He adds that a friend has just offered to Webster & Co. a book that arraigns the Standard Oil magnates individual by individual.

He adds that a friend has just offered Webster & Co. a book that criticizes the Standard Oil tycoons one by one.

    I wanted to say the only man I care for in the world, the only man I
    would give a d—-n for, the only man who is lavishing his sweat &
    blood to save me & mine from starvation is a Standard Oil magnate.
    If you know me, you know whether I want the book or not.

    But I didn't say that. I said I didn't want any book; I wanted to
    get out of this publishing business & out of all business & was here
    for that purpose & would accomplish it if I could.
    I wanted to say that the only man I care about in the world, the only man I would give a damn for, the only man who is working so hard to save me and my family from starving is a Standard Oil magnate. If you know me, you know whether I want the book or not.

    But I didn't say that. I said I didn't want any book; I wanted to get out of this publishing business and out of all business and was here for that reason and would achieve it if I could.

He tells how he played billiards with Rogers, tirelessly as always, until the millionaire had looked at him helplessly and asked:

He talks about how he played billiards with Rogers, as he always does, until the millionaire looked at him helplessly and asked:

“Don't you ever get tired?”

“Don’t you ever get exhausted?”

And he answered:

And he replied:

“I don't know what it is to get tired. I wish I did.”

“I don’t know what it feels like to be tired. I wish I did.”

He wrote of going with Mr. Rogers to the Madison Square Garden to see an exhibition of boxing given by the then splendid star of pugilism, James J. Corbett. Dr. Rice accompanied him, and painters Robert Reid and Edward Simmons, from The Players. They had five seats in a box, and Stanford White came along presently and took Clemens into the champion's dressing-room.

He wrote about going with Mr. Rogers to Madison Square Garden to watch a boxing exhibition featuring the amazing star of the sport, James J. Corbett. Dr. Rice joined them, along with painters Robert Reid and Edward Simmons from The Players. They had five seats in a box, and Stanford White showed up later and took Clemens into the champion's dressing room.

    Corbett has a fine face and is modest and diffident, besides being
    the most perfectly & beautifully constructed human animal in the
    world. I said:

    “You have whipped Mitchell & maybe you will whip Jackson in June
    —but you are not done then. You will have to tackle me.”

    He answered, so gravely that one might easily have thought him in
    earnest:

    “No, I am not going to meet you in the ring. It is not fair or
    right to require it. You might chance to knock me out, by no merit
    of your own, but by a purely accidental blow, & then my reputation
    would be gone & you would have a double one. You have got fame
    enough & you ought not to want to take mine away from me.”

    Corbett was for a long time a clerk in the Nevada Bank, in San
    Francisco.

    There were lots of little boxing-matches to entertain the crowd;
    then at last Corbett appeared in the ring & the 8,000 people present
    went mad with enthusiasm. My two artists went mad about his form.
    They said they had never seen anything that came reasonably near
    equalling its perfection except Greek statues, & they didn't surpass
    it.

    Corbett boxed 3 rounds with the middle-weight Australian champion
    —oh, beautiful to see!—then the show was over and we struggled out
    through a perfect mash of humanity. When we reached the street I
    found I had left my arctics in the box. I had to have them, so
    Simmons said he would go back & get them, & I didn't dissuade him.
    I wouldn't see how he was going to make his way a single yard into
    that solid incoming wave of people—yet he must plow through it full
    50 yards. He was back with the shoes in 3 minutes!

    How do you reckon he accomplished that miracle? By saying:

    “Way, gentlemen, please—coming to fetch Mr. Corbett's overshoes.”

    The word flew from mouth to mouth, the Red Sea divided, & Simmons
    walked comfortably through & back, dry-shod. This is Fire-escape
    Simmons, the inveterate talker, you know: Exit—in case of Simmons.

    I had an engagement at a beautiful dwelling close to The Players for
    10.30; I was there by 10.45. Thirty cultivated & very musical
    ladies & gentlemen present—all of them acquaintances & many of them
    personal friends of mine. That wonderful Hungarian band was there
    (they charge $500 for an evening). Conversation and band until
    midnight; then a bite of supper; then the company was compactly
    grouped before me & I told them about Dr. B. E. Martin & the
    etchings, & followed it with the Scotch-Irish christening. My, but
    the Martin is a darling story! Next, the head tenor from the Opera
    sang half a dozen great songs that set the company wild, yes, mad
    with delight, that nobly handsome young Damrosch accompanying on the
    piano.

    Just a little pause, then the band burst out into an explosion of
    weird and tremendous dance-music, a Hungarian celebrity & his wife
    took the floor; I followed—I couldn't help it; the others drifted
    in, one by one, & it was Onteora over again.

    By half past 4. I had danced all those people down—& yet was not
    tired; merely breathless. I was in bed at 5 & asleep in ten
    minutes. Up at 9 & presently at work on this letter to you. I
    think I wrote until 2 or half past. Then I walked leisurely out to
    Mr. Rogers's (it is called 3 miles, but is short of it), arriving at
    3.30, but he was out—to return at 5.30—so I didn't stay, but
    dropped over and chatted with Howells until five.
—[Two Mark Twain anecdotes are remembered of that winter at The
Players:
Corbett has a great face and is humble and shy, besides being the most perfectly and beautifully built human being in the world. I said:

“You’ve beaten Mitchell, and maybe you’ll beat Jackson in June—but that’s not the end. You’ll have to face me.”

He replied, so seriously that you might have thought he was being sincere:

“No, I’m not going to meet you in the ring. It’s not fair or right to expect that. You could accidentally knock me out, without any skill on your part, and then my reputation would be ruined while you’d gain double the fame. You have enough fame already; you shouldn’t want to take mine from me.”

Corbett was a clerk at the Nevada Bank in San Francisco for a long time.

There were plenty of little boxing matches to entertain the crowd; then finally, Corbett appeared in the ring, and the 8,000 people present went wild with excitement. My two friends were amazed by his physique. They said they’d never seen anything that even came close to its perfection, except for Greek statues, and they didn’t surpass it.

Corbett boxed three rounds with the middle-weight Australian champion—oh, what a sight!—then the show ended, and we made our way out through a massive crowd. Once we got to the street, I realized I had left my arctics in the box. I needed them, so Simmons said he would go back and get them, and I didn’t stop him. I couldn’t see how he would make it a single step into that solid wave of people—but he had to push through it for a full 50 yards. He came back with the shoes in three minutes!

How do you think he pulled off that miracle? By saying:

“Excuse me, gentlemen—coming to get Mr. Corbett’s overshoes.”

The word spread from mouth to mouth, the crowd parted, and Simmons walked right through and back, dry shoes on. This is Fire-escape Simmons, the habitual talker, you know: Exit—in case of Simmons.

I had a meeting at a lovely place near The Players for 10:30; I arrived by 10:45. There were thirty cultured and very musical ladies and gentlemen present—all acquaintances, and many of them personal friends of mine. That amazing Hungarian band was there (they charge $500 for an evening). We had conversation and music until midnight; then a quick supper; afterward, the company gathered around me, and I told them about Dr. B. E. Martin and the etchings, then followed it with the Scotch-Irish christening. Wow, the Martin story is fantastic! Next, the lead tenor from the opera sang half a dozen incredible songs that drove the crowd wild, yes, crazy with joy, with the incredibly handsome Damrosch accompanying on the piano.

After a brief pause, the band erupted into a burst of awesome dance music, a Hungarian star and his wife took to the dance floor; I followed—I couldn’t resist; the others drifted in one by one, and it was Onteora all over again.

By 4:30, I had danced everyone down—and I wasn’t tired; just breathless. I made it to bed by 5 and fell asleep in ten minutes. Up at 9 and soon started working on this letter to you. I think I wrote until 2 or 2:30. Then I walked casually over to Mr. Rogers's (it’s said to be 3 miles, but it’s shorter), arriving at 3:30, but he was out—coming back at 5:30—so I didn’t wait, but dropped by to chat with Howells until five.  
—[Two Mark Twain anecdotes are remembered of that winter at The Players:

Just before Christmas a member named Scott said one day:

Just before Christmas, a member named Scott said one day:

“Mr. Clemens, you have an extra overcoat hanging in the coatroom. I've got to attend my uncle's funeral and it's raining very hard. I'd like to wear it.”

“Mr. Clemens, you have an extra overcoat in the coatroom. I need to go to my uncle's funeral and it's pouring rain. I’d like to wear it.”

The coat was an old one, in the pockets of which Clemens kept a melancholy assortment of pipes, soiled handkerchiefs, neckties, letters, and what not.

The coat was an old one, in the pockets of which Clemens kept a sad collection of pipes, dirty handkerchiefs, neckties, letters, and other things.

“Scott,” he said, “if you won't lose anything out of the pockets of that coat you may wear it.”

“Scott,” he said, “if you won't lose anything from the pockets of that coat, you can wear it.”

An hour or two later Clemens found a notice in his mail-box that a package for him was in the office. He called for it and found a neat bundle, which somehow had a Christmas look. He carried it up to the reading-room with a showy, air.

An hour or two later, Clemens found a notice in his mailbox saying that a package for him was at the office. He went to collect it and discovered a neatly wrapped bundle that had a somewhat Christmas vibe. He carried it up to the reading room with a flashy air.

“Now, boys,” he said, “you may make all the fun of Christmas you like, but it's pretty nice, after all, to be remembered.”

“Alright, guys,” he said, “you can joke about Christmas all you want, but it’s really nice to be remembered, after all.”

They gathered around and he undid the package. It was filled with the pipes, soiled handkerchiefs, and other articles from the old overcoat. Scott had taken special precautions against losing them.

They gathered around, and he opened the package. It was filled with pipes, dirty handkerchiefs, and other items from the old overcoat. Scott had taken extra measures to make sure he wouldn’t lose them.

Mark Twain regarded them a moment in silence, then he drawled:

Mark Twain looked at them for a moment in silence, then he said:

“Well—, d—-n Scott. I hope his uncle's funeral will be a failure!”

“Well—, damn Scott. I hope his uncle's funeral is a disaster!”

The second anecdote concerns The Player egg-cups. They easily hold two eggs, but not three. One morning a new waiter came to take the breakfast order. Clemens said:

The second story is about the Player egg-cups. They can easily hold two eggs, but not three. One morning, a new waiter arrived to take the breakfast order. Clemens said:

“Boy, put three soft eggs in that cup for me.”

“Hey, put three soft-boiled eggs in that cup for me.”

By and by the waiter returned, bringing the breakfast. Clemens looked at the egg portion and asked:

By and by, the waiter came back with the breakfast. Clemens glanced at the egg serving and asked:

“Boy, what was my order?”

“What did I order?”

“Three soft eggs broken in the cup, Mr. Clemens.”

“Three soft-boiled eggs cracked in the cup, Mr. Clemens.”

“And you've filled that order, have you?”

“And you've completed that order, right?”

“Yes, Mr. Clemens.”

“Yeah, Mr. Clemens.”

“Boy, you are trifling with the truth; I've been trying all winter to get three eggs into that cup.”]

“Boy, you're playing with the truth; I've been trying all winter to get three eggs into that cup.”

In one letter he tells of a dinner with his old Comstock friend, John Mackay—a dinner without any frills, just soup and raw oysters and corned beef and cabbage, such as they had reveled in sometimes, in prosperous moments, thirty years before.

In one letter, he talks about a dinner with his old Comstock friend, John Mackay—a simple dinner, just soup, raw oysters, corned beef, and cabbage, like they sometimes enjoyed during their prosperous times thirty years earlier.

“The guests were old gray Pacific coasters,” he said, “whom I knew when they were young and not gray. The talk was of the days when we went gipsying—a long time ago—thirty years.”

“The guests were old gray Pacific coasters,” he said, “whom I knew when they were young and not gray. The conversation was about the days when we went traveling—a long time ago—thirty years.”

      Indeed, it was a talk of the dead. Mainly that. And of how they looked
      & the harum-scarum things they did & said. For there were no cares
      in that life, no aches & pains, & not time enough in the day (&
      three-fourths of the night) to work off one's surplus vigor & energy.
      Of the midnight highway-robbery joke played upon me with revolvers at my
      head on the windswept & desolate Gold Hill Divide no witness was left
      but me, the victim. Those old fools last night laughed till they cried
      over the particulars of that old forgotten crime.
    
      It was definitely a conversation about the dead. That was mostly it. And about how they looked & the wild things they did & said. Because there were no worries in that life, no aches & pains, & not enough hours in the day (& three-fourths of the night) to burn off all that extra energy. The only witness left to the midnight robbery joke played on me with guns to my head on the windy & empty Gold Hill Divide was me, the victim. Those old fools laughed until they cried last night over the details of that long-forgotten crime.

In still another letter he told of a very wonderful entertainment at Robert Reid's studio. There were present, he says:

In another letter, he described an amazing event at Robert Reid's studio. He mentioned that there were:

    Coquelin;
    Richard Harding Davis;
    Harrison, the great outdoor painter;
    Wm. H. Chase, the artist;
    Bettini, inventor of the new phonograph;
    Nikola Tesla, the world-wide illustrious electrician; see article
    about him in Jan. or Feb. Century.
    John Drew, actor;
    James Barnes, a marvelous mimic; my, you should see him!
    Smedley, the artist;
    Zorn,    “ ”
     Zogbaum,  “ ”
     Reinhart, “ ”
     Metcalf,  “ ”
     Ancona, head tenor at the Opera;

    Oh, & a great lot of others. Everybody there had done something &
    was in his way famous.

    Somebody welcomed Coquelin in a nice little French speech, John Drew
    did the like for me in English, & then the fun began. Coquelin did
    some excellent French monologues—one of them an ungrammatical
    Englishman telling a colorless historiette in French. It nearly
    killed the fifteen or twenty people who understood it.

    I told a yarn, Ancona sang half a dozen songs, Barnes did his
    darling imitations, Handing Davis sang the hanging of Danny Deever,
    which was of course good, but he followed it with that most
    fascinating (for what reason I don't know) of all Kipling's poems,
    “On the Road to Mandalay,” sang it tenderly, & it searched me deeper
    & charmed me more than the Deever.

    Young Gerrit Smith played some ravishing dance-music, & we all
    danced about an hour. There couldn't be a pleasanter night than
    that one was. Some of those people complained of fatigue, but I
    don't seem to know what the sense of fatigue is.
    Coquelin;  
    Richard Harding Davis;  
    Harrison, the great outdoor painter;  
    Wm. H. Chase, the artist;  
    Bettini, inventor of the new phonograph;  
    Nikola Tesla, the famous electrician; see article about him in Jan. or Feb. Century.  
    John Drew, actor;  
    James Barnes, an amazing mimic; you really should see him!  
    Smedley, the artist;  
    Zorn, “ ”  
    Zogbaum, “ ”  
    Reinhart, “ ”  
    Metcalf, “ ”  
    Ancona, head tenor at the Opera;  

    Oh, and a whole bunch of others. Everyone there had accomplished something and was famous in their own way.  

    Someone welcomed Coquelin with a nice little French speech, John Drew did the same for me in English, and then the fun started. Coquelin performed some excellent French monologues—one featured an ungrammatical Englishman narrating a bland story in French. It nearly killed the fifteen or twenty people who got it.  

    I told a story, Ancona sang half a dozen songs, Barnes did his beloved imitations, Harding Davis sang "The Hanging of Danny Deever," which was, of course, good, but then he followed it with that most captivating (for reasons I don't know) of all Kipling's poems, "On the Road to Mandalay," sang it tenderly, and it touched me more deeply and charmed me even more than the Deever.  

    Young Gerrit Smith played some beautiful dance music, and we all danced for about an hour. There couldn’t have been a nicer night than that one. Some of those people complained of fatigue, but I don’t seem to understand the meaning of fatigue.

In his reprieve he was like some wild thing that had regained liberty.

In his break, he was like a wild animal that had gotten its freedom back.

He refers to Susy's recent illness and to Mrs. Clemens's own poor state of health.

He talks about Susy's recent illness and Mrs. Clemens's own poor health.

    Dear, dear Susy! My strength reproaches me when I think of her and
    you.

    It is an unspeakable pity that you should be without any one to go
    about with the girls, & it troubles me, & grieves me, & makes me
    curse & swear; but you see, dear heart, I've got to stick right
    where I am till I find out whether we are rich or whether the
    poorest person we are acquainted with in anybody's kitchen is better
    off than we are.. I stand on the land-end of a springboard, with
    the family clustered on the other end; if I take my foot——
    Dear Susy! I feel a pang of guilt when I think about her and you.

    It's such a shame that you don't have anyone to hang out with the girls, and it worries me, saddens me, and makes me furious; but you see, my dear, I have to stay right where I am until I figure out whether we're rich or if the poorest person we know in anyone's kitchen is better off than us. I'm standing at one end of a diving board, and the family is gathered at the other end; if I take my foot—

He realized his hopes to her as a vessel trying to make port; once he wrote:

He expressed his hopes to her like a ship trying to dock; once he wrote:

    The ship is in sight now....

    When the anchor is down then I shall say:

    “Farewell—a long farewell—to business! I will never touch it
    again!”

    I will live in literature, I will wallow in it, revel in it; I will
    swim in ink! 'Joan of Arc'—but all this is premature; the anchor
    is not down yet.
    The ship is in sight now....

    When the anchor is down then I’ll say:

    “Goodbye—a long goodbye—to work! I’m done with it for good!”

    I’ll live in books, I’ll immerse myself in them, enjoy them; I’ll swim in ink! 'Joan of Arc'—but all this is too soon; the anchor isn’t down yet.

Sometimes he sent her impulsive cables calculating to sustain hope. Mrs. Clemens, writing to her sister in January, said:

Sometimes he sent her spontaneous messages meant to keep hope alive. Mrs. Clemens, writing to her sister in January, said:

    Mr. Clemens now for ten days has been hourly expecting to send me
    word that Paige had signed the (new) contract, but as yet no
    despatch comes.... On the 5th of this month I received a
    cable, “Expect good news in ten days.” On the 15th I receive a
    cable, “Look out for good news.” On the 19th a cable, “Nearing
    success.”
 
    Mr. Clemens has been waiting for ten days, expecting to hear that Paige has signed the (new) contract, but I still haven’t received any news... On the 5th of this month, I got a cable saying, “Expect good news in ten days.” On the 15th, I received another cable that said, “Look out for good news.” On the 19th, I got a cable saying, “Nearing success.”

It appealed to her sense of humor even in these dark days. She added:

It appealed to her sense of humor even in these tough times. She added:

    They make me laugh, for they are so like my beloved “Colonel.”
 
They make me laugh, because they are so much like my dear "Colonel."

Mr. Rogers had agreed that he would bring Paige to rational terms, and with Clemens made a trip to Chicago. All agreed now that the machine promised a certain fortune as soon as a contract acceptable to everybody could be concluded—Paige and his lawyer being the last to dally and dicker as to terms. Finally a telegram came from Chicago saying that Paige had agreed to terms. On that day Clemens wrote in his note-book:

Mr. Rogers had agreed to help Paige come to reasonable terms, and along with Clemens, he took a trip to Chicago. Everyone was now in agreement that the machine was likely to bring in a fortune as soon as a contract that suited everyone could be finalized—Paige and his lawyer being the last to hold out and negotiate on the terms. Finally, a telegram arrived from Chicago saying that Paige had agreed to the terms. On that day, Clemens wrote in his notebook:

This is a great date in my history. Yesterday we were paupers with but 3 months' rations of cash left and $160,000 in debt, my wife & I, but this telegram makes us wealthy.

This is a significant date in my life. Yesterday, my wife and I were struggling financially, with only three months' worth of cash left and $160,000 in debt, but this telegram has changed everything and made us wealthy.

But it was not until a fortnight later that Paige did actually sign. This was on the 1st of February, '94, and Clemens that night cabled to Paris, so that Mrs. Clemens would have it on her breakfast-plate the morning of their anniversary:

But it wasn't until two weeks later that Paige actually signed. This was on February 1st, '94, and that night Clemens sent a cable to Paris so that Mrs. Clemens would have it on her breakfast plate the morning of their anniversary:

“Wedding news. Our ship is safe in port. I sail the moment Rogers can spare me.”

“Wedding news. Our ship is safely docked. I’ll set sail as soon as Rogers has time for me.”

So this painted bubble, this thing of emptiness, had become as substance again—the grand hope. He was as concerned with it as if it had been an actual gold-mine with ore and bullion piled in heaps—that shadow, that farce, that nightmare. One longs to go back through the years and face him to the light and arouse him to the vast sham of it all.

So this painted bubble, this thing that was empty, had turned into something real again—the big hope. He cared about it as if it were an actual gold mine with ore and bullion stacked up—this shadow, this fake, this nightmare. One wishes to go back through the years and confront him in the light, to awaken him to the huge deception of it all.





CLXXXVII. SOME LITERARY MATTERS

Clemens might have lectured that winter with profit, and Major Pond did his best to persuade him; but Rogers agreed that his presence in New York was likely to be too important to warrant any schedule of absence. He went once to Boston to lecture for charity, though his pleasure in the experience was a sufficient reward. On the evening before the lecture Mrs. James T. Fields had him to her house to dine with Dr. Holmes, then not far from the end of his long, beautiful life.—[He died that same year, October, 1894.]

Clemens could have given a valuable lecture that winter, and Major Pond tried hard to convince him; however, Rogers felt that his presence in New York was probably too significant to allow for any time away. He did take a trip to Boston to give a charity lecture, but he found the experience itself to be rewarding enough. The night before the lecture, Mrs. James T. Fields invited him to dinner with Dr. Holmes, who was nearing the end of his long and beautiful life.—[He died that same year, October, 1894.]

Clemens wrote to Paris of their evening together:

Clemens wrote to Paris about their evening together:

Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes never goes out (he is in his 84th year), but he came out this time—said he wanted to “have a time” once more with me.

Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes never goes out (he's in his 84th year), but he came out this time—said he wanted to “have a time” once more with me.

Mrs. Fields said Aldrich begged to come, & went away crying because she wouldn't let him. She allowed only her family (Sarah Orne Jewett & sister) to be present, because much company would overtax Dr. Holmes.

Mrs. Fields said Aldrich pleaded to come and left in tears because she wouldn't allow him. She only permitted her family (Sarah Orne Jewett and her sister) to be there since too many visitors would overwhelm Dr. Holmes.

Well, he was just delightful! He did as brilliant and beautiful talking (& listening) as he ever did in his life, I guess. Fields and Jewett said he hadn't been in such splendid form for years. He had ordered his carriage for 9. The coachman sent in for him at 9, but he said, “Oh, nonsense!—leave glories & grandeurs like these? Tell him to go away & come in an hour!”

Well, he was just wonderful! He talked and listened as brilliantly and beautifully as he ever had in his life, I suppose. Fields and Jewett said he hadn't been in such great shape for years. He had scheduled his carriage for 9. The coachman came in for him at 9, but he said, “Oh, nonsense!—leave such glories and grandeurs behind? Tell him to go away and come back in an hour!”

At 10 he was called for again, & Mrs. Fields, getting uneasy, rose, but he wouldn't go—& so we rattled ahead the same as ever. Twice more Mrs. Fields rose, but he wouldn't go—& he didn't go till half past 10—an unwarrantable dissipation for him in these days. He was prodigiously complimentary about some of my books, & is having Pudd'nhead read to him. I told him you & I used the Autocrat as a courting book & marked it all through, & that you keep it in the sacred green box with the loveletters, & it pleased him.

At 10, he was called again, and Mrs. Fields, feeling uneasy, got up, but he wouldn’t budge—so we kept chatting like usual. Twice more, Mrs. Fields stood up, but he still wouldn’t leave—he didn’t go until half past 10—an outrageous late night for him these days. He was incredibly complimentary about some of my books and is having Pudd'nhead read to him. I told him that you and I used the Autocrat as a dating book and marked it all up, and that you keep it in the special green box with the love letters, which pleased him.

One other address Clemens delivered that winter, at Fair Haven, on the opening of the Millicent Library, a present to the town from Mrs. Rogers. Mrs. Rogers had suggested to her husband that perhaps Mr. Clemens would be willing to say a few words there. Mr. Rogers had replied, “Oh, Clemens is in trouble. I don't like to ask him,” but a day or two later told him of Mrs. Rogers's wish, adding:

One more speech Clemens gave that winter was at Fair Haven, during the opening of the Millicent Library, a gift to the town from Mrs. Rogers. Mrs. Rogers had mentioned to her husband that maybe Mr. Clemens would be willing to say a few words there. Mr. Rogers had responded, “Oh, Clemens is in trouble. I don't want to ask him,” but a day or two later brought up Mrs. Rogers’s request, adding:

“Don't feel at all that you need to do it. I know just how you are feeling, how worried you are.”

"Don't feel like you have to do it at all. I understand exactly how you're feeling and how worried you are."

Clemens answered, “Mr. Rogers, do you think there is anything I could do for you that I wouldn't do?”

Clemens replied, “Mr. Rogers, is there anything I could do for you that I wouldn't do?”

It was on this occasion that he told for the first time the “stolen watermelon” story, so often reprinted since; how once he had stolen a watermelon, and when he found it to be a green one, had returned it to the farmer, with a lecture on honesty, and received a ripe one in its place.

It was on this occasion that he shared for the first time the "stolen watermelon" story, which has been told many times since; about how he once stole a watermelon, and when he discovered it was unripe, he returned it to the farmer, received a lesson on honesty, and got a ripe one in return.

In spite of his cares and diversions Clemens's literary activities of this time were considerable. He wrote an article for the Youth's Companion—“How to Tell a Story”—and another for the North American Review on Fenimore Cooper's “Literary Offenses.” Mark Twain had not much respect for Cooper as a literary artist. Cooper's stilted artificialities and slipshod English exasperated him and made it hard for him to see that in spite of these things the author of the Deerslayer was a mighty story-teller. Clemens had also promised some stories to Walker, of the Cosmopolitan, and gave him one for his Christmas number, “Traveling with a Reformer,” which had grown out of some incidents of that long-ago journey with Osgood to Chicago, supplemented by others that had happened on the more recent visit to that city with Hall. This story had already appeared when Clemens and Rogers had made their Chicago trip. Rogers had written for passes over the Pennsylvania road, and the president, replying, said:

Despite his worries and distractions, Clemens was quite active in his writing during this time. He wrote an article for the Youth's Companion titled “How to Tell a Story” and another for the North American Review critiquing Fenimore Cooper’s “Literary Offenses.” Mark Twain didn’t have much regard for Cooper as a writer. Cooper's exaggerated style and careless grammar frustrated him, making it difficult for him to recognize that, despite these flaws, the author of the Deerslayer was a great storyteller. Clemens had also committed to writing some stories for Walker at the Cosmopolitan and submitted one for their Christmas issue, “Traveling with a Reformer,” which was based on experiences from that long-ago trip with Osgood to Chicago, along with incidents from a more recent visit to the city with Hall. This story had already been published by the time Clemens and Rogers took their Chicago trip. Rogers had requested passes for the Pennsylvania route, and the president replied, saying:

“No, I won't give Mark Twain a pass over our road. I've been reading his 'Traveling with a Reformer,' in which he abuses our road. I wouldn't let him ride over it again if I could help it. The only way I'll agree to let him go over it at all is in my private car. I have stocked it with everything he can possibly want, and have given orders that if there is anything else he wants the train is to be stopped until they can get it.”

“No, I won't let Mark Twain travel on our road. I've been reading his 'Traveling with a Reformer,' where he criticizes our road. I wouldn't allow him to ride on it again if I could avoid it. The only way I'll agree to let him use it at all is in my private car. I've stocked it with everything he could possibly need and instructed that if he wants anything else, the train should stop until they can get it.”

“Pudd'nhead Wilson” was appearing in the Century during this period, and “Tom Sawyer Abroad” in the St. Nicholas. The Century had issued a tiny calendar of the Pudd'nhead maxims, and these quaint bits of philosophy, the very gems of Mark Twain mental riches, were in everybody's mouth. With all this going on, and with his appearance at various social events, he was rather a more spectacular figure that winter than ever before.

“Pudd'nhead Wilson” was being published in the Century during this time, and “Tom Sawyer Abroad” in St. Nicholas. The Century had released a small calendar featuring the Pudd'nhead maxims, and these quirky bits of wisdom, the true gems of Mark Twain's mental wealth, were on everyone's lips. With all this happening, and with his presence at various social events, he was quite a more prominent figure that winter than ever before.

From the note-book:

From the notebook:

    The Haunted Looking-glass. The guest (at midnight a dim light
    burning) wakes up & sees appear & disappear the faces that have
    looked into the glass during 3 centuries.

    Love seems the swiftest but is the slowest of all growths. No man
    and woman really know what perfect love is until they have been
    married a quarter of a century.

    It is more trouble to make a maxim than it is to do right.

    Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made the
    slave of the lash—that one is the cat.

    Truth is stranger than fiction—to some people, but I am measurably
    familiar with it.
    The Haunted Looking-glass. The guest (with a dim light on at midnight) wakes up and sees the faces that have looked into the mirror over the past 300 years appear and disappear.

    Love seems to grow the fastest but is actually the slowest of all things. No man and woman truly understand what perfect love is until they've been married for 25 years.

    It's more complicated to create a saying than it is to do the right thing.

    Of all of God's creatures, there's only one that can't be forced into submission by a whip—that's the cat.

    Truth is stranger than fiction—to some people, but I'm fairly accustomed to it.




CLXXXVIII. FAILURE

It was the first week in March before it was thought to be safe for Clemens to return to France, even for a brief visit to his family. He hurried across and remained with them what seemed an infinitesimal time, a bare three weeks, and was back again in New York by the middle of April. The Webster company difficulties had now reached an acute stage. Mr. Rogers had kept a close watch on its financial affairs, hoping to be able to pull it through or to close it without failure, paying all the creditors in full; but on the afternoon of the 16th of April, 1894, Hall arrived at Clemens's room at The Players in a panic. The Mount Morris Bank had elected a new president and board of directors, and had straightway served notice on him that he must pay his notes—two notes of five thousand dollars each in a few days when due. Mr. Rogers was immediately notified, of course, and said he would sleep on it and advise them next day. He did not believe that the bank would really push them to the wall. The next day was spent in seeing what could be done, and by evening it was clear that unless a considerable sum of money was raised a voluntary assignment was the proper course. The end of the long struggle had come. Clemens hesitated less on his own than on his wife's account. He knew that to her the word failure would be associated with disgrace. She had pinched herself with a hundred economies to keep the business afloat, and was willing to go on economizing to avert this final disaster. Mr. Rogers said:

It was the first week of March when it was considered safe for Clemens to return to France, even just to visit his family briefly. He rushed over and spent what felt like almost no time with them—just three weeks—before returning to New York by mid-April. The issues with the Webster company had reached a critical point. Mr. Rogers had been closely monitoring its financial situation, hoping to either save it or close it without failing, ensuring all creditors were paid in full. However, on the afternoon of April 16, 1894, Hall came to Clemens's room at The Players in a panic. The Mount Morris Bank had appointed a new president and board of directors and immediately informed him that he had to pay his notes—two notes of five thousand dollars each—when they were due in a few days. Mr. Rogers was promptly notified and said he would think it over and provide advice the next day. He didn’t think the bank would actually force them into a corner. The following day was spent exploring options, and by evening, it was evident that unless a significant amount of money was raised, a voluntary assignment was the best course of action. The long struggle had come to an end. Clemens hesitated more for his wife's sake than his own. He knew that for her, the word failure would carry the weight of disgrace. She had tightened her belt with a hundred cutbacks to keep the business running and was prepared to keep economizing to avoid this final disaster. Mr. Rogers said:

“Mr. Clemens, assure her from me that there is not even a tinge of disgrace in making this assignment. By doing it you will relieve yourself of a fearful load of dread, and in time will be able to pay everything and stand clear before the world. If you don't do it you will probably never be free from debt, and it will kill you and Mrs. Clemens both. If there is any disgrace it would be in not taking the course that will give you and her your freedom and your creditors a better chance for their claims. Most of them will be glad enough to help you.”

“Mr. Clemens, please let her know from me that there's nothing shameful about accepting this arrangement. By doing this, you'll lift a heavy burden off your shoulders, and eventually, you'll be able to pay everything off and stand clear in front of everyone. If you don’t go through with it, you’ll likely never escape debt, and it could ruin both you and Mrs. Clemens. If there's any disgrace, it would be in not choosing the path that can give you and her your freedom and your creditors a better chance to be repaid. Most of them will be more than willing to help you.”

It was on the afternoon of the next day, April 18, 1894, that the firm of Charles L. Webster & Co. executed assignment papers and closed its doors. A meeting of the creditors was called, at which H. H. Rogers was present, representing Clemens. For the most part the creditors were liberal and willing to agree to any equitable arrangement. But there were a few who were grumpy and fussy. They declared that Mark Twain should turn over his copyrights, his Hartford home, and whatever other odds and ends could be discovered. Mr. Rogers, discussing the matter in 1908, said:

It was on the afternoon of the next day, April 18, 1894, that the company of Charles L. Webster & Co. signed the assignment papers and shut its doors. A meeting of the creditors was called, with H. H. Rogers present, representing Clemens. Most of the creditors were understanding and open to any fair arrangement. However, a few were difficult and picky. They insisted that Mark Twain should hand over his copyrights, his Hartford home, and any other miscellaneous items that could be found. Mr. Rogers, discussing the matter in 1908, said:

“They were bent on devouring every pound of flesh in sight and picking the bones afterward, as Clemens and his wife were perfectly willing they should do. I was getting a little warm all the time at the highhanded way in which these few men were conducting the thing, and presently I got on my feet and said, 'Gentlemen, you are not going to have this thing all your way. I have something to say about Mr. Clemens's affairs. Mrs. Clemens is the chief creditor of this firm. Out of her own personal fortune she has lent it more than sixty thousand dollars. She will be a preferred creditor, and those copyrights will be assigned to her until her claim is paid in full. As for the home in Hartford, it is hers already.'

“They were determined to devour every bit of flesh in sight and pick the bones afterward, just as Clemens and his wife were perfectly fine with. I was starting to feel a bit heated by the way these few men were handling things, so I stood up and said, 'Gentlemen, you aren’t going to have everything your way. I have something to say about Mr. Clemens’s affairs. Mrs. Clemens is the main creditor of this firm. From her own personal fortune, she has lent it over sixty thousand dollars. She will be a preferred creditor, and those copyrights will be assigned to her until her claim is fully paid. As for the home in Hartford, it already belongs to her.'”

“There was a good deal of complaint, but I refused to budge. I insisted that Mrs. Clemens had the first claims on the copyrights, though, to tell the truth, these did not promise much then, for in that hard year the sale of books was small enough. Besides Mrs. Clemens's claim the debts amounted to one hundred thousand dollars, and of course there must be a definite basis of settlement, so it was agreed that Clemens should pay fifty cents on the dollar, when the assets were finally realized upon, and receive a quittance. Clemens himself declared that sooner or later he would pay the other fifty cents, dollar for dollar, though I believe there was no one besides himself and his wife and me who believed he would ever be able to do it. Clemens himself got discouraged sometimes, and was about ready to give it up, for he was getting on in years—nearly sixty—and he was in poor health. Once when we found the debt, after the Webster salvage, was going to be at least seventy thousand dollars, he said, 'I need not dream of paying it. I never could manage it.' But he stuck to it. He was at my house a good deal at first. We gave him a room there and he came and went as he chose. The worry told upon him. He became frail during those weeks, almost ethereal, yet it was strange how brilliant he was, how cheerful.”

“There were a lot of complaints, but I refused to give in. I insisted that Mrs. Clemens had the primary claim to the copyrights, although, honestly, they weren’t expected to be worth much back then, since book sales were pretty low that tough year. Besides Mrs. Clemens's claim, the debts totaled a hundred thousand dollars, and obviously, we needed a clear plan for settling it up. So, we agreed that Clemens would pay fifty cents on the dollar once the assets were finally liquidated and would receive a release. Clemens himself said that eventually, he would pay the other fifty cents, dollar for dollar, but I don’t think anyone aside from him, his wife, and me believed he would ever manage it. Clemens sometimes felt discouraged and was close to giving up, as he was getting older—nearly sixty—and wasn’t in great health. Once, when we discovered that after the Webster salvage the debt would be at least seventy thousand dollars, he said, 'I shouldn’t even think about paying it. I could never handle it.' But he persisted. He spent a lot of time at my house at first. We gave him a room, and he came and went as he pleased. The stress took a toll on him. He became frail during those weeks, almost ghostly, yet it was remarkable how brilliant and cheerful he was.”

The business that had begun so promisingly and prosperously a decade before had dwindled to its end. The last book it had in hand was 'Tom Sawyer Abroad', just ready for issue. It curiously happened that on the day of the failure copies of it were filed in Washington for copyright. Frank Bliss came over from Hartford, and Clemens arranged with him for the publication of 'Pudd'nhead Wilson', thereby renewing the old relationship with the American Publishing Company after a break of a dozen years.

The business that had started so well and thrived a decade earlier had come to an end. The last book they had was 'Tom Sawyer Abroad', which was just about to be released. Interestingly, on the day of the closure, copies of it were submitted for copyright in Washington. Frank Bliss came over from Hartford, and Clemens made arrangements with him for the publication of 'Pudd'nhead Wilson', thus renewing the old partnership with the American Publishing Company after a twelve-year gap.

Naturally, the failure of Mark Twain's publishing firm made a public stir, and it showed how many and sincere were his friends, how ready they were with sympathy and help of a more material kind. Those who understood best, congratulated him on being out of the entanglement.

Naturally, the collapse of Mark Twain's publishing company created quite a buzz, highlighting how numerous and genuine his friends were, and how willing they were to offer sympathy and practical help. Those who understood the situation best congratulated him for getting out of the mess.

Poultney Bigelow, Douglas Taylor, Andrew Carnegie, Charles Dudley Warner, and others extended financial help, Bigelow and Taylor each inclosing him a check of one thousand dollars for immediate necessities. He was touched by these things, but the checks were returned. Many of his creditors sent him personal letters assuring him that he was to forget his obligation to them completely until such time as the remembering would cost him no uneasiness.

Poultney Bigelow, Douglas Taylor, Andrew Carnegie, Charles Dudley Warner, and others provided financial support, with Bigelow and Taylor each enclosing a check for one thousand dollars to cover immediate needs. He was moved by their generosity, but he returned the checks. Many of his creditors wrote him personal letters, reassuring him that he should forget about his debts completely until he could remember them without any stress.

Clemens, in fact, felt relieved, now that the worst had come, and wrote bright letters home. In one he said:

Clemens actually felt relieved now that the worst was over and wrote cheerful letters home. In one, he said:

Mr. Rogers is perfectly satisfied that our course was right, absolutely right and wise—cheer up, the best is yet to come.

Mr. Rogers is completely convinced that our approach was correct, totally right and smart—cheer up, the best is still ahead.

And again:

And once more:

    Now & then a good and dear Joe Twichell or Susy Warner condoles with
    me & says, “Cheer up-don't be downhearted,” and some other friend
    says, “I'm glad and surprised to see how cheerful you are & how
    bravely you stand it,” & none of them suspect what a burden has been
    lifted from me & how blithe I am inside. Except when I think of
    you, dear heart—then I am not blithe; for I seem to see you
    grieving and ashamed, & dreading to look people in the face. For in
    the thick of the fight there is cheer, but you are far away & cannot
    hear the drum nor see the wheeling squadrons. You only seem to see
    rout, retreat, & dishonored colors dragging in the dirt—whereas
    none of these things exist. There is temporary defeat, but no
    dishonor—& we will march again. Charley Warner said to-day, “Sho,
    Livy isn't worrying. So long as she's got you and the children she
    doesn't care what happens. She knows it isn't her affair.” Which
    didn't convince me.
Now and then, a good friend like Joe Twichell or Susy Warner comforts me and says, “Cheer up—don’t be downhearted,” and another friend says, “I’m glad and surprised to see how cheerful you are and how bravely you’re handling it,” yet none of them realize how much of a burden has been lifted from me and how happy I feel inside. Except when I think of you, dear heart—then I’m not happy; I can’t help but feel that you’re grieving and ashamed, avoiding eye contact with others. In the thick of the battle, there’s cheer, but you’re far away and can’t hear the drum or see the circling troops. You only seem to see defeat, retreat, and dishonored colors dragging in the dirt—while none of these things are true. There’s a temporary setback, but no dishonor—and we will march again. Charley Warner said today, “Oh, Livy isn’t worrying. As long as she has you and the kids, she doesn’t care what happens. She knows it’s not her concern.” But that didn’t convince me.

Olivia Clemens wrote bravely and encouragingly to him, and more cheerfully than she felt, for in a letter to her sister she said:

Olivia Clemens wrote to him with courage and encouragement, and more cheerfully than she actually felt, because in a letter to her sister she said:

    The hideous news of Webster & Co.'s failure reached me by cable on
    Thursday, and Friday morning Galignani's Messenger had a squib about
    it. Of course I knew it was likely to come, but I had great hope
    that it would be in some way averted. Mr. Rogers was so sure there
    was no way out but failure that I suppose it was true. But I have a
    perfect horror and heart-sickness over it. I cannot get away from
    the feeling that business failure means disgrace. I suppose it
    always will mean that to me. We have put a great deal of money into
    the concern, and perhaps there would have been nothing but to keep
    putting it in and losing it. We certainly now have not much to
    lose. We might have mortgaged the house; that was the only thing I
    could think of to do. Mr. Clemens felt that there would never be
    any end, and perhaps he was right. At any rate, I know that he was
    convinced that it was the only thing, because when he went back he
    promised me that if it was possible to save the thing he would do so
    if only on account of my sentiment in the matter.

    Sue, if you were to see me you would see that I have grown old very
    fast during this last year. I have wrinkled.

    Most of the time I want to lie down and cry. Everything seems to me
    so impossible. I do not make things go very well, and I feel that
    my life is an absolute and irretrievable failure. Perhaps I am
    thankless, but I so often feel that I should like to give it up and
    die. However, I presume that if I could have the opportunity I
    should at once desire to live.
The shocking news of Webster & Co.'s collapse reached me by cable on Thursday, and on Friday morning, Galignani's Messenger had a brief mention of it. I knew it was likely on the horizon, but I held out hope that we could somehow avoid it. Mr. Rogers was convinced there was no escape except failure, and I guess he was right. But I feel a deep dread and heartache about it. I can't shake the feeling that business failure equals disgrace. Unfortunately, I think that will always be the case for me. We've invested a lot of money into the company, and maybe it would have just meant throwing more money in and losing it. We really don't have much left to lose now. I considered mortgaging the house; that was my only idea. Mr. Clemens felt there would never be an end to it, and maybe he was right. At any rate, I know he was certain it was the only option because when he returned, he promised me that if there was a way to save it, he would do so out of regard for my feelings about it.

Sue, if you saw me now, you would notice how quickly I've aged this past year. I have wrinkles.

Most of the time, I just want to lie down and cry. Everything feels impossible to me. I don't manage things well, and I feel like my life is a complete and irreversible failure. Maybe I'm ungrateful, but I often think about giving it all up and dying. Still, I suppose if I had the chance, I would immediately want to live.

Clemens now hurried back to Paris, arriving about the middle of May, his second trip in two months. Scarcely had he got the family settled at La Bourboule-les-Bains, a quiet watering-place in the southern part of France, when a cable from Mr. Rogers, stating that the typesetter was perfected, made him decide to hurry back to America to assist in securing the new fortune. He did not go, however. Rogers wrote that the machine had been installed in the Times-Herald office, Chicago, for a long and thorough trial. There would be plenty of time, and Clemens concluded to rest with his family at La Bourboule-les-Bains. Later in the summer they went to Etretat, where he settled down to work.

Clemens rushed back to Paris, arriving around mid-May, marking his second trip in two months. Just as he got his family settled in La Bourboule-les-Bains, a quiet spa town in southern France, he received a cable from Mr. Rogers saying that the typesetter was ready. This made him think about rushing back to America to help secure the new fortune. However, he ultimately decided not to go. Rogers mentioned that the machine had already been installed at the Times-Herald office in Chicago for extensive testing. There would be plenty of time, so Clemens opted to relax with his family in La Bourboule-les-Bains. Later in the summer, they headed to Etretat, where he focused on his work.





CLXXXIX. AN EVENTFUL YEAR ENDS

That summer (July, '94.) the 'North American Review' published “In Defense of Harriet Shelley,” a rare piece of literary criticism and probably the most human and convincing plea ever made for that injured, ill-fated woman. An admirer of Shelley's works, Clemens could not resist taking up the defense of Shelley's abandoned wife. It had become the fashion to refer to her slightingly, and to suggest that she had not been without blame for Shelley's behavior. A Shelley biography by Professor Dowden, Clemens had found particularly irritating. In the midst of his tangle of the previous year he had paused to give it attention. There were times when Mark Twain wrote without much sequence, digressing this way and that, as his fancy led him, charmingly and entertainingly enough, with no large, logical idea. He pursued no such method in this instance. The paper on Harriet Shelley is a brief as direct and compact and cumulative as could have been prepared by a trained legal mind of the highest order, and it has the added advantage of being the utterance of a human soul voicing an indignation inspired by human suffering and human wrong. By no means does it lack humor, searching and biting sarcasm. The characterization of Professor Dowden's Life of Shelley as a “literary cake-walk” is a touch which only Mark Twain could have laid on. Indeed, the “Defense of Harriet Shelly,” with those early chapters of Joan at Florence, maybe counted as the beginning for Mark Twain of a genuine literary renaissance. It was to prove a remarkable period less voluminous than the first, but even more choice, containing, as it would, besides Joan and the Shelley article, the rest of that remarkable series collected now as Literary Essays; the Hadleyburg story; “Was it Heaven or Hell?”; those masterly articles on our national policies; closing at last with those exquisite memories, in his final days.

That summer (July '94), the 'North American Review' published “In Defense of Harriet Shelley,” a rare piece of literary criticism and probably the most heartfelt and convincing argument ever made for that mistreated, unfortunate woman. An admirer of Shelley's works, Clemens couldn't resist stepping up for Shelley's abandoned wife. It had become common to speak of her dismissively and to imply that she shared some blame for Shelley's actions. Clemens found a biography of Shelley by Professor Dowden particularly annoying. In the midst of his struggles from the previous year, he had taken time to focus on it. There were times when Mark Twain wrote in a meandering fashion, going off on tangents as he pleased, charmingly and entertainingly enough, without a grand, logical idea. But he followed no such method in this case. The paper on Harriet Shelley is as brief, direct, compact, and cumulative as something crafted by a top legal mind, and it also benefits from being the expression of a human soul voicing anger sparked by human suffering and injustice. It certainly doesn't lack humor and sharp, biting sarcasm. The description of Professor Dowden's Life of Shelley as a “literary cake-walk” is a touch only Mark Twain could have delivered. In fact, the “Defense of Harriet Shelley,” along with the early chapters of Joan at Florence, can be considered the start of a real literary renaissance for Mark Twain. This period would prove to be remarkable, less extensive than the first, but even more refined, including, in addition to Joan and the Shelley article, the rest of that incredible series now known as Literary Essays; the Hadleyburg story; “Was it Heaven or Hell?”; those masterful articles on our national policies; and finally, those beautiful memories from his later days.

The summer of 1894 found Mark Twain in the proper frame of mind for literary work. He was no longer in a state of dread. At Etretat, a watering-place on the French coast, he returned eagerly to the long-neglected tale of Joan—“a book which writes itself,” he wrote Mr. Rogers—a tale which tells itself; I merely have to hold the pen.” Etretat, originally a fishing-village, was less pretentious than to-day, and the family had taken a small furnished cottage a little way back from the coast—a charming place, and a cheap one—as became their means. Clemens worked steadily at Etretat for more than a month, finishing the second part of his story, then went over to Rouen to visit the hallowed precincts where Joan dragged out those weary months that brought her to the stake. Susy Clemens was taken ill at Rouen, and they lingered in that ancient city, wandering about its venerable streets, which have been changed but slowly by the centuries, and are still full of memories.

The summer of 1894 found Mark Twain ready to dive into his writing. He was no longer anxious. At Etretat, a beach town on the French coast, he eagerly returned to the long-neglected story of Joan—“a book that writes itself,” he told Mr. Rogers—a story that tells itself; I just have to hold the pen.” Etretat, once a fishing village, was less upscale than it is today, and the family rented a small furnished cottage a little way from the coast—a lovely place, and an affordable one—given their circumstances. Clemens worked diligently in Etretat for over a month, finishing the second part of his story, and then he went to Rouen to visit the sacred places where Joan spent those long months that led her to the stake. Susy Clemens fell ill in Rouen, and they stayed longer in that ancient city, wandering through its historic streets, which have changed little over the centuries and are still rich with memories.

They returned to Paris at length—to the Brighton; their quarters of the previous winter—but presently engaged for the winter the studio home of the artist Pomroy at 169 rue de l'Universite, beyond the Seine. Mark Twain wrote of it once:

They finally returned to Paris—to the Brighton; their place from the last winter—but soon booked the artist Pomroy's studio home at 169 rue de l'Université, across the Seine. Mark Twain once wrote about it:

    It was a lovely house; large, rambling, quaint, charmingly furnished
    and decorated, built upon no particular plan, delightfully uncertain
    and full of surprises. You were always getting lost in it, and
    finding nooks and corners which you did not know were there and
    whose presence you had not suspected before. It was built by a rich
    French artist, and he had also furnished it and decorated it
    himself. The studio was coziness itself. With us it served as a
    drawing-room, sitting-room, living-room, dancing-room—we used it
    for everything. We couldn't get enough of it. It is odd that it
    should have been so cozy, for it was 40 feet long, 40 feet high, and
    30 feet wide, with a vast fireplace on, each side, in the middle,
    and a musicians' gallery at one end.
    It was a beautiful house; big, sprawling, quirky, and charmingly furnished and decorated, built without any specific plan, delightfully unpredictable and full of surprises. You were always getting lost in it and discovering nooks and crannies you didn't know existed and whose presence had surprised you before. It was built by a wealthy French artist, who also furnished and decorated it himself. The studio was the epitome of coziness. For us, it served as a drawing-room, sitting-room, living-room, dancing-room—we used it for everything. We could never get enough of it. It’s strange that it was so cozy because it was 40 feet long, 40 feet high, and 30 feet wide, with a huge fireplace on each side in the middle, and a musicians' gallery at one end.

Mrs. Clemens had hoped to return to America, to their Hartford home. That was her heart's desire—to go back once more to their old life and fireside, to forget all this period of exile and wandering. Her letters were full of her home-longing; her three years of absence seemed like an eternity.

Mrs. Clemens had hoped to return to America, to their Hartford home. That was her heart's desire—to go back once more to their old life and cozy evenings by the fire, to forget all this time of being away and wandering. Her letters were filled with her longing for home; her three years of absence felt like an eternity.

In its way, the Pomroy house was the best substitute for home they had found. Its belongings were of the kind she loved. Susy had better health, and her husband was happy in his work. They had much delightful and distinguished company. Her letters tell of these attractive things, and of their economies to make their income reach.

In its own way, the Pomroy house was the best replacement for home they had found. Its possessions were the kind she loved. Susy was healthier, and her husband was happy in his job. They had a lot of wonderful and notable guests. Her letters talk about these appealing things and their efforts to make their income stretch.

It was near the end of the year that the other great interest—the machine—came finally to a conclusion. Reports from the test had been hopeful during the summer. Early in October Clemens, receiving a copy of the Times-Herald, partly set by the machine, wrote: “The Herald has just arrived, and that column is healing for sore eyes. It affects me like Columbus sighting land.” And again on the 28th:

It was close to the end of the year when the other major focus—the machine—finally reached a conclusion. Test reports had been encouraging throughout the summer. In early October, Clemens, after getting a copy of the Times-Herald, which was partly set by the machine, wrote: “The Herald has just arrived, and that column is like a breath of fresh air. It hits me like Columbus spotting land.” And again on the 28th:

    It seems to me that things couldn't well be going better at Chicago
    than they are. There's no other machine that can set type eight
    hours with only seventeen minutes' stoppage through cussedness. The
    others do rather more stopping than working. By and by our machines
    will be perfect; then they won't stop at all.
It seems to me that things couldn't be going better in Chicago than they are. There's no other machine that can print for eight hours with only seventeen minutes of downtime due to issues. The others tend to stop more than they actually work. Eventually, our machines will be perfect; then they won't stop at all.

But that was about the end of the good news. The stoppages became worse and worse. The type began to break—the machine had its old trouble: it was too delicately adjusted—too complicated.

But that was pretty much the end of the good news. The interruptions got worse and worse. The type started to break—the machine had its old issues: it was too finely tuned—too complicated.

“Great guns, what is the matter with it?” wrote Clemens in November when he received a detailed account of its misconduct.

“Wow, what’s wrong with it?” wrote Clemens in November when he got a full report on its bad behavior.

Mr. Rogers and his son-in-law, Mr. Broughton, went out to Chicago to investigate. They went to the Times-Herald office to watch the type-setter in action. Mr. Rogers once told of this visit to the writer of these chapters. He said:

Mr. Rogers and his son-in-law, Mr. Broughton, went to Chicago to check things out. They visited the Times-Herald office to see the typesetter at work. Mr. Rogers once shared this experience with the writer of these chapters. He said:

“Certainly it was a marvelous invention. It was the nearest approach to a human being in the wonderful things it could do of any machine I have ever known. But that was just the trouble; it was too much of a human being and not enough of a machine. It had all the complications of the human mechanism, all the liability of getting out of repair, and it could not be replaced with the ease and immediateness of the human being. It was too costly; too difficult of construction; too hard to set up. I took out my watch and timed its work and counted its mistakes. We watched it a long time, for it was most interesting, most fascinating, but it was not practical—that to me was clear.”

“Definitely, it was an amazing invention. It was the closest thing to a human being with all the incredible things it could do compared to any machine I've ever seen. But that was precisely the issue; it was too much like a human and not enough like a machine. It had all the complexities of the human body, all the risks of breaking down, and it couldn’t be replaced as easily and quickly as a human could. It was too expensive, too complicated to build, and too challenging to set up. I took out my watch to time its operations and count its errors. We observed it for a long time because it was really interesting and captivating, but it just wasn't practical—that was obvious to me.”

It had failed to stand the test. The Times-Herald would have no more of it. Mr. Rogers himself could see the uselessness of the endeavor. He instructed Mr. Broughton to close up the matter as best he could and himself undertook the harder task of breaking the news to Mark Twain. His letters seem not to have been preserved, but the replies to them tell the story.

It didn't pass the test. The Times-Herald was done with it. Mr. Rogers could see that the effort was pointless. He told Mr. Broughton to wrap things up as best as possible and took on the tougher job of telling Mark Twain the news himself. His letters don't seem to have been saved, but the responses to them tell the story.

                         169 rue de l'Universite,

    PARIS, December 22, 1894.

    DEAR MR. ROGERS,—I seemed to be entirely expecting your letter, and
    also prepared and resigned; but Lord, it shows how little we know
    ourselves and how easily we can deceive ourselves. It hit me like a
    thunder-clap. It knocked every rag of sense out of my head, and I
    went flying here and there and yonder, not knowing what I was doing,
    and only one clearly defined thought standing up visible and
    substantial out of the crazy storm-drift—that my dream of ten years
    was in desperate peril and out of the 60,000 or 70,000 projects for
    its rescue that came flocking through my skull not one would hold
    still long enough for me to examine it and size it up. Have you
    ever been like that? Not so much, I reckon.

    There was another clearly defined idea—I must be there and see it
    die. That is, if it must die; and maybe if I were there we might
    hatch up some next-to-impossible way to make it take up its bed and
    take a walk.

    So, at the end of four hours I started, still whirling, and walked
    over to the rue Scribe—4 p.m.—and asked a question or two and was
    told I should be running a big risk if I took the 9 p.m. train for
    London and Southampton; “better come right along at 6.52 per Havre
    special and step aboard the New York all easy and comfortable.”
     Very! and I about two miles from home and no packing done.

    Then it occurred to me that none of these salvation notions that
    were whirlwinding through my head could be examined or made
    available unless at least a month's time could be secured. So I
    cabled you, and said to myself that I would take the French steamer
    to-morrow (which will be Sunday).

    By bedtime Mrs. Clemens had reasoned me into a fairly rational and
    contented state of mind; but of course it didn't last long. So I
    went on thinking—mixing it with a smoke in the dressing-room once
    an hour—until dawn this morning. Result—a sane resolution; no
    matter what your answer to my cable might be I would hold still and
    not sail until I should get an answer to this present letter which I
    am now writing or a cable answer from you saying “Come” or “Remain.”

    I have slept 6 hours, my pond has clarified, and I find the sediment
    of my 70,000 projects to be of this character:
                         169 rue de l'Universite,

    PARIS, December 22, 1894.

    DEAR MR. ROGERS, — I thought I was totally ready for your letter and had accepted what it contained, but wow, it shows how little we actually understand ourselves and how easily we can fool ourselves. It hit me like a bolt from the blue. It knocked all sense out of my mind, and I found myself spinning in every direction, not sure of what I was doing, with just one clear thought standing out amid the chaos — that my ten-year dream was in serious jeopardy, and out of the 60,000 or 70,000 ideas for rescuing it that rushed through my mind, not one would stay still long enough for me to examine it and figure it out. Have you ever felt like that? Probably not.

    There was another clear idea — I have to be there and see it die. That is, if it has to die; and maybe if I'm there we could come up with some impossible way to make it rise up and walk again.

    So, after four hours, I set off, still in a whirlwind, and walked over to rue Scribe — 4 p.m. — asked a few questions and was told that I’d be taking a big risk if I caught the 9 p.m. train to London and Southampton; “better you take the 6:52 Havre special and board the New York nice and easy.” Great! And I’m about two miles from home and haven’t packed a thing.

    Then I realized that none of these salvation ideas swirling around in my head could be explored or acted upon unless I could secure at least a month’s time. So I cabled you, telling myself I would take the French steamer tomorrow (which is Sunday).

    By bedtime, Mrs. Clemens had helped me reason my way into a pretty rational and contented state of mind; but, of course, it didn't last long. So, I kept thinking — mixing it with a smoke in the dressing room every hour — until dawn this morning. The result — a sensible decision; no matter what your response to my cable might be, I would hold off and not sail until I received an answer to this letter I’m currently writing or a cable response from you saying “Come” or “Stay.”

    I’ve slept for 6 hours, my mind has cleared, and I find the essence of my 70,000 ideas to be of this nature:

He follows with a detailed plan for reconstructing the machine, using brass type, etc., and concludes:

He then provides a thorough plan for rebuilding the machine, using brass type and other materials, and concludes:

    Don't say I'm wild. For really I'm sane again this morning.

    I am going right along with Joan now, and wait untroubled till I
    hear from you. If you think I can be of the least use cable me
    “Come.” I can write Joan on board ship and lose no time. Also I
    could discuss my plan with the publisher for a de luxe Joan, time
    being an object, for some of the pictures could be made over here,
    cheaply and quickly, that would cost much more time and money in
    America.
    Don't say I'm crazy. Because honestly, I'm feeling sane again this morning.

    I'm going with Joan now, and I'll wait calmly until I hear from you. If you think I can be of any help, send me a cable saying “Come.” I can write to Joan while on the ship and not waste any time. Plus, I could talk to the publisher about a deluxe edition of Joan, since time is a factor—some of the pictures could be done here, quickly and cheaply, which would take much more time and money in America.

The second letter followed five days later:

The second letter came five days later:

                     169 rue de l'Universite,
                     PARIS, December 27, 1894.

    DEAR MR. ROGERS,—Notwithstanding your heart is “old and hard” you
    make a body choke up. I know you “mean every word you say” and I do
    take it “in the same spirit in which you tender it.” I shall keep
    your regard while we two live—that I know; for I shall always
    remember what you have done for me, and that will insure me against
    ever doing anything that could forfeit it or impair it.

    It is six days or seven days ago that I lived through that
    despairing day, and then through a night without sleep; then settled
    down next day into my right mind (or thereabouts) and wrote you. I
    put in the rest of that day till 7 P.m. plenty comfortably enough
    writing a long chapter of my book; then went to a masked ball
    blacked up as Uncle Remus, taking Clara along, and we had a good
    time. I have lost no day since, and suffered no discomfort to speak
    of, but drove my troubles out of my mind and had good success in
    keeping them out—through watchfulness. I have done a good week's
    work and put the book a good way ahead in the Great Trial [of Joan],
    which is the difficult part: the part which requires the most
    thought and carefulness. I cannot see the end of the Trial yet, but
    I am on the road. I am creeping surely toward it.

    “Why not leave them all to me?” My business brothers? I take you by
    the hand! I jump at the chance!

    I ought to be ashamed and I am trying my best to be ashamed—and yet
    I do jump at the chance in spite of it. I don't want to write
    Irving and I don't want to write Stoker. It doesn't seem as if I
    could. But I can suggest something for you to write them; and then
    if you see that I am unwise you can write them something quite
    different. Now this is my idea:

       1. To return Stoker's $100 to him and keep his stock.

       2. And tell Irving that when luck turns with me I will make
       good to him what the salvage from the dead Co. fails to pay him
       of his $500.

    [P. S. Madam says No, I must face the music. So I inclose my
    effort—to be used if you approve, but not otherwise.]

    We shall try to find a tenant for our Hartford house; not an easy
    matter, for it costs heavily to live in. We can never live in it
    again; though it would break the family's hearts if they could
    believe it.

    Nothing daunts Mrs. Clemens or makes the world look black to her
    —which is the reason I haven't drowned myself.

    I got the Xmas journals which you sent and I thank you for that Xmas
    remembrance.

    We all send our deepest and warmest greetings to you and all of
    yours and a Happy New Year!

                     S. L. CLEMENS.
—[Brain Stoker and Sir Henry Irving had each taken a small interest in
the machine. The inclosure for Stoker ran as follows:]

    MY DEAR STOKER,—I am not dating this, because it is not to be
    mailed at present.

    When it reaches you it will mean that there is a hitch in my machine
    enterprise—a hitch so serious as to make it take to itself the
    aspect of a dissolved dream. This letter, then, will contain cheque
    for the $100 which you have paid. And will you tell Irving for me
    —I can't get up courage enough to talk about this misfortune myself,
    except to you, whom by good luck I haven't damaged yet—that when
    the wreckage presently floats ashore he will get a good deal of his
    $500 back; and a dab at a time I will make up to him the rest.

    I'm not feeling as fine as I was when I saw you there in your home.
    Please remember me kindly to Mrs. Stoker. I gave up that London
    lecture-project entirely. Had to—there's never been a chance since
    to find the time.

    Sincerely yours,
                            S. L. CLEMENS.
                     169 rue de l'Universite,
                     PARIS, December 27, 1894.

    DEAR MR. ROGERS, — Even though your heart is “old and hard,” you still make me feel emotional. I know you “mean every word you say,” and I truly take it “in the same spirit in which you offer it.” I will cherish your regard for as long as we both live—that much I am sure of; because I will always remember what you’ve done for me, and that will prevent me from ever doing anything that could jeopardize it or lessen it.

    It's been six or seven days since I experienced that hopeless day, followed by a sleepless night; the next day, I settled back into my right mind (or something close to it) and wrote you. I spent the rest of that day until 7 PM comfortably writing a long chapter of my book; then I went to a masked ball, dressed as Uncle Remus, taking Clara along, and we had a great time. I haven’t lost a day since then, and I haven’t had any significant discomfort; I’ve managed to push my troubles out of my mind and have been successful in keeping them away—through vigilance. I’ve had a productive week and made considerable progress on the Great Trial [of Joan], which is the challenging part: the section that requires the most thought and care. I can’t see the end of the Trial just yet, but I’m on my way. I’m steadily moving toward it.

    “Why not let me handle everything?” My business partners? I’m ready! I’m eager for the opportunity!

    I should be ashamed, and I’m trying hard to feel that way—but despite that, I’m still eager for this opportunity. I don’t want to write to Irving, and I don’t want to write to Stoker. It doesn’t seem like I could. But I can suggest something for you to write to them; then if you think my idea is foolish, you can write them something entirely different. Here’s my proposal:

       1. To return Stoker’s $100 to him and keep his stock.

       2. To tell Irving that when luck turns in my favor, I will make good on whatever the dead Co. fails to pay him of his $500.

    [P. S. Madam says No, I must face the consequences. So I’m enclosing my suggestion—to be used if you approve, but not otherwise.]

    We’re going to try to find a tenant for our Hartford house; it’s not an easy task since it costs a lot to live there. We can never live in it again, although it would break the family’s hearts if they believed that.

    Nothing discourages Mrs. Clemens or makes her view the world negatively—which is why I haven’t gone and drowned myself.

    I received the Christmas journals you sent, and I appreciate that Christmas gesture.

    We all send our warmest and most heartfelt greetings to you and your family, and wish you a Happy New Year!

                     S. L. CLEMENS.
—[Bram Stoker and Sir Henry Irving had each taken a small interest in the machine. The enclosure for Stoker read as follows:]

    MY DEAR STOKER, — I’m not dating this because it won’t be mailed right now.

    When this reaches you, it will mean there’s a problem with my machine venture—a problem so serious that it feels like a lost dream. This letter, then, will include the $100 check you paid. And can you please tell Irving for me—I don’t have the courage to discuss this misfortune myself, except with you, whom fortunately I haven’t yet harmed—that when the debris comes ashore, he will get a good portion of his $500 back; and bit by bit, I will repay him the rest.

    I’m not feeling as well as I did when I last saw you at your home. Please send my regards to Mrs. Stoker. I’ve completely given up on that London lecture project. I had to—there hasn’t been a chance since then to find the time.

    Sincerely yours,
                            S. L. CLEMENS.

A week later he added what was about his final word on the subject:

A week later, he added what was basically his final word on the topic:

    Yours of December 21 has arrived, containing the circular to
    stockholders, and I guess the Co. will really quit—there doesn't
    seem to be any other wise course.

    There's one thing which makes it difficult for me to soberly realize
    that my ten-year dream is actually dissolved; and that is that it
    reverses my horoscope. The proverb says, “Born lucky, always
    lucky.”

    It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned
    in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a
    drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was
    considered to be a cat in disguise. When the Pennsylvania blew up
    and the telegraph reported my brother as fatally injured (with 60
    others) but made no mention of me, my uncle said to my mother “it
    means that Sam was somewhere else, after being on that boat a year
    and a half—he was born lucky.” Yes, I was somewhere else. I am so
    superstitious that I have always been afraid to have business
    dealings with certain relatives and friends of mine because they
    were unlucky people. All my life I have stumbled upon lucky chances
    of large size, and whenever they were wasted it was because of my
    own stupidity and carelessness. And so I have felt entirely certain
    that the machine would turn up trumps eventually. It disappointed
    me lots of times, but I couldn't shake off the confidence of a
    lifetime in my luck.

    Well, whatever I get out of the wreckage will be due to good luck
    —the good luck of getting you into the scheme—for, but for that
    there wouldn't be any wreckage; it would be total loss.

    I wish you had been in at the beginning. Then we should have had
    the good luck to step promptly ashore.
    Your letter from December 21 has arrived, including the circular for stockholders, and I guess the company is really going to shut down—there doesn’t seem to be any other reasonable option.

    There’s one thing that makes it hard for me to fully accept that my ten-year dream is actually gone; it’s that it contradicts my luck. The saying goes, “Born lucky, always lucky.”

    It was common for one or two of our guys each year to drown in the Mississippi or Bear Creek, but I was pulled out nine times while nearly drowning before I learned to swim, and people considered me to be like a cat with nine lives. When the Pennsylvania blew up and the telegraph said my brother was fatally injured (along with 60 others) but didn’t mention me, my uncle told my mom, “It means Sam was somewhere else, after being on that boat for a year and a half—he was born lucky.” Yes, I was somewhere else. I’m so superstitious that I’ve always been hesitant to engage in business with certain relatives and friends because they were unlucky. My life has been filled with lucky breaks, and whenever I wasted them, it was due to my own stupidity and carelessness. So I’ve always been convinced that things would eventually work out in my favor. It let me down many times, but I couldn’t shake off the confidence I’ve had in my luck.

    Well, whatever I get out of this situation will be due to good luck—the good luck of having you involved in the plan—because without that, there wouldn’t be anything left; it would be a complete loss.

    I wish you had been there from the start. Then we would have had the good fortune to get off the ground quickly.

So it was that the other great interest died and was put away forever. Clemens scarcely ever mentioned it again, even to members of his family. It was a dead issue; it was only a pity that it had ever seemed a live one. A combination known as the Regius Company took over Paige's interest, but accomplished nothing. Eventually—irony of fate—the Mergenthaler Company, so long scorned and derided, for twenty thousand dollars bought out the rights and assets and presented that marvelous work of genius, the mechanical wonder of the age, to the Sibley College of Engineering, where it is shown as the costliest piece of machinery, for its size, ever constructed. Mark Twain once received a letter from an author who had written a book calculated to assist inventors and patentees, asking for his indorsement. He replied:

So, the other major interest faded away and was put to rest for good. Clemens hardly ever brought it up again, even with his family. It was a closed chapter; it was just a shame that it had ever seemed like an open one. A group called the Regius Company took over Paige's interest but achieved nothing. Eventually—ironically—the Mergenthaler Company, which had been looked down upon for so long, bought the rights and assets for twenty thousand dollars and gave that incredible masterpiece, the mechanical marvel of the time, to the Sibley College of Engineering, where it is displayed as the most expensive piece of machinery for its size ever made. Mark Twain once got a letter from an author who wrote a book meant to help inventors and patent holders, asking for his endorsement. He replied:

    DEAR SIR,—I have, as you say, been interested in patents and
    patentees. If your books tell how to exterminate inventors send me
    nine editions. Send them by express.

                     Very truly yours,
                            S. L. CLEMENS.
    DEAR SIR,—I have, as you mentioned, been interested in patents and
    inventors. If your books explain how to get rid of inventors, send me
    nine copies. Please send them by express.

                     Best regards,
                            S. L. CLEMENS.

The collapse of the “great hope” meant to the Clemens household that their struggle with debt was to continue, that their economies were to become more rigid. In a letter on her wedding anniversary, February 2, (1895), Mrs. Clemens wrote to her sister:

The collapse of the “great hope” meant for the Clemens household that their struggle with debt would go on, forcing them to tighten their budgets even more. In a letter on her wedding anniversary, February 2, (1895), Mrs. Clemens wrote to her sister:

      As I was starting down the stairs for my breakfast this morning Mr.
      Clemens called me back and took out a five-franc piece and gave it to me,
      saying: “It is our silver-wedding day, and so I give you a present.”
     
      As I was heading down the stairs for breakfast this morning, Mr. Clemens called me back, took out a five-franc coin, and handed it to me, saying: “It’s our silver wedding anniversary, so I’m giving you a gift.”

It was a symbol of their reduced circumstances—of the change that twenty-five years had brought.

It was a sign of their difficult situation—of the changes that twenty-five years had brought.

Literary matters, however, prospered. The new book progressed amazingly. The worst had happened; other and distracting interests were dead. He was deep in the third part-the story of Joan's trial and condemnation, and he forgot most other things in his determination to make that one a reality.

Literary matters, however, thrived. The new book was progressing remarkably. The worst had happened; other distracting interests were gone. He was deep into the third part—the story of Joan's trial and condemnation—and he forgot most other things in his determination to make that one a reality.

As at Viviani, Clemens read his chapters to the family circle. The story was drawing near the end now; tragedy was closing in on the frail martyr; the farce of her trial was wringing their hearts. Susy would say, “Wait, wait till I get a handkerchief,” and one night when the last pages had been written and read, and Joan had made the supreme expiation for devotion to a paltry king, Susy wrote in her diary, “To-night Joan of Arc was burned at the stake,” meaning that the book was finished.

As at Viviani, Clemens read his chapters to the family. The story was nearing the end now; tragedy was closing in on the fragile martyr; the absurdity of her trial was breaking their hearts. Susy would say, “Wait, wait until I grab a tissue,” and one night when the final pages had been written and read, and Joan had made the ultimate sacrifice for her loyalty to a petty king, Susy wrote in her diary, “Tonight Joan of Arc was burned at the stake,” meaning that the book was done.

Susy herself had literary taste and might have written had it not been that she desired to sing. There are fragments of her writing that show the true literary touch. Her father, in an unpublished article which he once wrote of her, quoted a paragraph, doubtless intended some day to take its place at the end of a story:

Susy had a knack for writing and might have become an author if she hadn't wanted to sing. There are bits of her writing that really showcase her literary talent. Her dad, in an unpublished article he once wrote about her, included a paragraph that was probably meant to be included at the end of a story:

    And now at last when they lie at rest they must go hence. It is
    always so. Completion; perfection, satisfaction attained—a human
    life has fulfilled its earthly destiny. Poor human life! It may
    not pause and rest, for it must hasten on to other realms and
    greater consummations.
    And now, finally, when they rest, they have to move on. It’s always this way. Completion; perfection, satisfaction achieved—a human life has fulfilled its earthly purpose. Poor human life! It can't stop and rest, because it has to hurry on to other places and greater achievements.

She was a deep reader, and she had that wonderful gift of brilliant, flowing, scintillating speech. From her father she had inherited a rare faculty of oral expression, born of a superior depth of mind, swiftness and clearness of comprehension, combined with rapid, brilliant, and forceful phrasing. Her father wrote of her gift:

She was an avid reader, and she had the amazing ability to speak brilliantly and effortlessly. She inherited from her father a unique talent for verbal expression, stemming from a profound intellect, quick and clear understanding, paired with fast, striking, and impactful wording. Her father wrote about her gift:

    Sometimes in those days of swift development her speech was rocket-
    like for vividness and for the sense it carried of visibility. I
    seem to see it stream into the sky and burst full in a shower of
    colored fire.
    Sometimes in those days of rapid change, her speech soared with intensity and a clear sense of visibility. I can almost see it shoot into the sky and explode in a shower of colorful sparks.

We are dwelling here a moment on Susy, for she was at her best that winter.

We’re pausing for a moment to talk about Susy because she was at her best that winter.

She was more at home than the others. Her health did not permit her to go out so freely and her father had more of her companionship. They discussed many things—the problems of life and of those beyond life, philosophies of many kinds, and the subtleties of literary art. He recalled long after how once they lost themselves in trying to solve the mystery of the emotional effect of certain word-combinations—certain phrases and lines of verse—as, for instance, the wild, free breath of the open that one feels in “the days when we went gipsying a long time ago” and the tender, sunlit, grassy slope and mossy headstones suggested by the simple words, “departed this life.” Both Susy and her father cared more for Joan than any of the former books. To Mr. Rogers, Clemens wrote:

She felt more at home than the others. Her health didn’t allow her to go out as freely, and her father enjoyed her company more. They talked about many topics—the challenges of life and what comes after, different philosophies, and the nuances of literary art. He often remembered how they once got lost in trying to understand the emotional impact of certain word combinations—specific phrases and lines of poetry—like the wild, free breath of the open air found in “the days when we went gipsying a long time ago,” and the gentle, sunny, grassy slope and mossy gravestones evoked by the simple words, “departed this life.” Both Susy and her father cared more for Joan than for any of the earlier books. To Mr. Rogers, Clemens wrote:

“Possibly the book may not sell, but that is nothing—it was written for love.” A memorandum which he made at the time, apparently for no one but himself, brings us very close to the personality behind it.

“Maybe the book won’t sell, but that doesn’t matter—it was written out of love.” A note he made at the time, seemingly just for himself, gives us a glimpse into the personality behind it.

    Do you know that shock? I mean when you come at your regular hour
    into the sick-room where you have watched for months and find the
    medicine-bottles all gone, the night-table removed, the bed
    stripped, the furniture set stiffly to rights, the windows up, the
    room cold, stark, vacant—& you catch your breath & realize what has
    happened.

    Do you know that shock?

    The man who has written a long book has that experience the morning
    after he has revised it for the last time & sent it away to the
    printer. He steps into his study at the hour established by the
    habit of months—& he gets that little shock. All the litter &
    confusion are gone. The piles of dusty reference-books are gone
    from the chairs, the maps from the floor; the chaos of letters,
    manuscripts, note-books, paper-knives, pipes, matches, photographs,
    tobacco-jars, & cigar-boxes is gone from the writing-table, the
    furniture is back where it used to be in the long-ago. The
    housemaid, forbidden the place for five months, has been there &
    tidied it up & scoured it clean & made it repellent & awful.

    I stand here this morning contemplating this desolation, & I realize
    that if I would bring back the spirit that made this hospital home-
    like & pleasant to me I must restore the aids to lingering
    dissolution to their wonted places & nurse another patient through
    & send it forth for the last rites, With many or few to assist
    there, as may happen; & that I will do.
Do you know that feeling of shock? Like when you walk into the sick room at the usual time after months of watching over it and find all the medicine bottles gone, the nightstand taken away, the bed stripped, the furniture put back in place, the windows open, the room cold, stark, and empty—and you catch your breath and realize what has happened.

Do you know that shock?

The person who has written a long book goes through that feeling the morning after they’ve revised it for the last time and sent it off to the printer. They step into their study at the time they’ve established as a habit for months—and they feel that little shock. All the clutter and chaos are gone. The piles of dusty reference books are missing from the chairs, the maps are cleared off the floor; the mess of letters, manuscripts, notebooks, paper knives, pipes, matches, photographs, tobacco jars, and cigar boxes is gone from the writing desk. The furniture is back where it used to be long ago. The housekeeper, who hadn’t been allowed in for five months, has come in, tidied up, scrubbed everything clean, and made it feel unwelcoming and awful.

I’m standing here this morning, contemplating this emptiness, and I realize that if I want to bring back the spirit that made this hospital feel like home and pleasant to me, I need to put all the things that linger on in despair back in their usual places, care for another patient, and prepare them for their final farewell, with as many or as few people there as may be. And that’s what I’ll do.




CXC. STARTING ON THE LONG TRAIL.

The tragedy of 'Pudd'nhead Wilson', with its splendid illustrations by Louis Loeb, having finished its course in the Century Magazine, had been issued by the American Publishing Company. It proved not one of Mark Twain's great books, but only one of his good books. From first to last it is interesting, and there are strong situations and chapters finely written. The character of Roxy is thoroughly alive, and her weird relationship with her half-breed son is startling enough. There are not many situations in fiction stronger than that where half-breed Tom sells his mother down the river into slavery. The negro character is well drawn, of course-Mark Twain could not write it less than well, but its realism is hardly to be compared with similar matter in his other books—in Tom Sawyer, for instance, or Huck Finn. With the exceptions of Tom, Roxy, and Pudd'nhead the characters are slight. The Twins are mere bodiless names that might have been eliminated altogether. The character of Pudd'nhead Wilson is lovable and fine, and his final triumph at the murder trial is thrilling in the extreme. Identification by thumb-marks was a new feature in fiction then—in law, too, for that matter. But it is chiefly Pudd'nhead Wilson's maxims, run at the head of each chapter, that will stick in the memory of men. Perhaps the book would live without these, but with them it is certainly immortal.

The tragedy of 'Pudd'nhead Wilson,' with its stunning illustrations by Louis Loeb, wrapped up its run in the Century Magazine and was published by the American Publishing Company. It may not rank among Mark Twain's greatest works, but it stands as one of his good ones. From start to finish, it’s engaging, featuring intense situations and well-written chapters. The character of Roxy feels completely real, and her bizarre relationship with her mixed-race son is quite shocking. There aren’t many moments in fiction stronger than the one where mixed-race Tom betrays his mother, sending her into slavery. The portrayal of the Black characters is well done—Mark Twain couldn't have done it any less expertly—but its realism doesn't quite measure up to depictions in his other books, like Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn. Aside from Tom, Roxy, and Pudd'nhead, the other characters are rather insignificant. The Twins are little more than names that could have easily been left out. Pudd'nhead Wilson is a lovable and admirable character, and his ultimate victory at the murder trial is incredibly exciting. The idea of identifying someone by thumbprints was innovative in fiction at the time—and in law, too, for that matter. However, it's mainly Pudd'nhead Wilson's maxims, presented at the beginning of each chapter, that people will remember. The book might survive without them, but with them, it's definitely timeless.

Such aphorisms as: “Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits”; “Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example”; “When angry count four, and when very angry swear,” cannot perish; these, with the forty or so others in this volume and the added collection of rare philosophies that head the chapters of Following the Equator, have insured to Philosopher Pudd'nhead a respectful hearing for all time.—[The story of Pudd'nhead Wilson was dramatized by Frank Mayo, who played it successfully as long as he lived. It is by no means dead, and still pays a royalty to the Mayo and Clemens estates.]

Aphorisms like: “Nothing needs reforming more than other people's habits”; “Few things are harder to tolerate than the annoyance of a good example”; “When you’re angry, count to four, and when you’re very angry, swear,” won't fade away; these, along with the forty or so others in this book and the collection of rare philosophies that introduce the chapters of Following the Equator, have guaranteed Philosopher Pudd'nhead a respectful hearing for all time.—[The story of Pudd'nhead Wilson was dramatized by Frank Mayo, who successfully performed it throughout his life. It’s not dead by any means and still earns royalties for the Mayo and Clemens estates.]

Clemens had meant to begin another book, but he decided first to make a trip to America, to give some personal attention to publishing matters there. They were a good deal confused. The Harpers had arranged for the serial and book publication of Joan, and were negotiating for the Webster contracts. Mr. Rogers was devoting priceless time in an effort to establish amicable relations between the Harpers and the American Company at Hartford so that they could work on some general basis that would be satisfactory and profitable to all concerned. It was time that Clemens was on the scene of action. He sailed on the New York on the 23rd of February, and a little more than a month later returned by the Paris—that is, at the end of March. By this time he had altogether a new thought. It was necessary to earn a large sum of money as promptly as possible, and he adopted the plan which twice before in his life in 1872 and in 1884:—had supplied him with needed funds. Loathing the platform as he did, he was going back to it. Major Pond had proposed a lecture tour soon after his failure.

Clemens had intended to start another book, but he chose to first make a trip to America to personally handle some publishing issues there. Things were quite messy. The Harpers had planned for the serial and book release of Joan and were negotiating the Webster contracts. Mr. Rogers was spending valuable time trying to establish friendly relations between the Harpers and the American Company in Hartford so they could work out a general agreement that would be satisfactory and profitable for everyone involved. It was time for Clemens to be on the front lines. He sailed on the New York on February 23rd and returned a little more than a month later on the Paris—at the end of March. By this point, he had a completely new idea. It was necessary to make a large amount of money as quickly as possible, and he decided to go back to a plan that had helped him financially twice before, in 1872 and 1884: despite his hatred for public speaking, he was returning to it. Major Pond had suggested a lecture tour soon after his setback.

“The loss of a fortune is tough,” wrote Pond, “but there are other resources for another fortune. You and I will make the tour together.”

“The loss of a fortune is hard,” Pond wrote, “but there are other ways to rebuild. You and I will travel together.”

Now he had resolved to make a tour-one that even Pond himself had not contemplated. He would go platforming around the world! He would take Pond with him as far as the Pacific coast, arranging with some one equally familiar with the lecture circuit on the other side of the Pacific. He had heard of R. S. Smythe, who had personally conducted Henry M. Stanley and other great lecturers through Australia and the East, and he wrote immediately, asking information and advice concerning such a tour. Clemens himself has told us in one of his chapters how his mental message found its way to Smythe long before his written one, and how Smythe's letter, proposing just such a trip, crossed his own.

Now he had decided to take a trip—one that even Pond himself hadn’t thought of. He would travel around the world! He would bring Pond with him as far as the Pacific coast, setting up arrangements with someone who was just as knowledgeable about the lecture circuit on the other side of the Pacific. He had heard of R. S. Smythe, who had personally guided Henry M. Stanley and other famous lecturers through Australia and the East, and he wrote immediately to ask for information and advice about such a tour. Clemens himself has mentioned in one of his chapters how his mental message reached Smythe long before his written one did, and how Smythe's letter, suggesting exactly such a trip, met his own.

He sailed for America, with the family on the 11th of May, and a little more than a week later, after four years of exile, they found themselves once more at beautiful Quarry Farm. We may imagine how happy they were to reach that peaceful haven. Mrs. Clemens had written:

He set sail for America with the family on May 11th, and a little over a week later, after four years away, they arrived once again at beautiful Quarry Farm. We can only imagine how happy they were to reach that peaceful place. Mrs. Clemens had written:

“It is, in a way, hard to go home and feel that we are not able to open our house. But it is an immense delight to me to think of seeing our friends.”

“It’s kind of tough to go home and feel like we can’t open our house. But I’m really excited about the prospect of seeing our friends.”

Little at the farm was changed. There were more vines on the home—the study was overgrown—that was all. Even Ellerslie remained as the children had left it, with all the small comforts and utensils in place. Most of the old friends were there; only Mrs. Langdon and Theodore Crane were missing. The Beechers drove up to see them, as formerly, and the old discussions on life and immortality were taken up in the old places.

Little at the farm had changed. There were more vines on the house—the study was overgrown—that was all. Even Ellerslie stayed the same as the kids had left it, with all the little comforts and utensils in place. Most of the old friends were there; only Mrs. Langdon and Theodore Crane were missing. The Beechers drove up to see them, just like before, and the old discussions about life and immortality resumed in the familiar spots.

Mrs. Beecher once came with some curious thin layers of leaves of stone which she had found, knowing Mark Twain's interest in geology. Later, when they had been discussing the usual problems, he said he would write an agreement on those imperishable leaves, to be laid away until the ages should solve their problems. He wrote it in verse:

Mrs. Beecher once arrived with some interesting thin layers of stone leaves that she had discovered, knowing Mark Twain's interest in geology. Later, after they had been discussing the usual issues, he said he would write an agreement about those everlasting leaves, to be stored away until future generations could solve their problems. He wrote it in verse:

           If you prove right and I prove wrong,
           A million years from now,
           In language plain and frank and strong
           My error I'll avow
           To your dear waking face.

           If I prove right, by God His grace,
           Full sorry I shall be,
           For in that solitude no trace
           There'll be of you and me.

           A million years, O patient stone,
           You've waited for this message.
           Deliver it a million hence;
           (Survivor pays expressage.)
                                MARK TWAIN

    Contract with Mrs. T. K. Beecher, July 2, 1895.
           If I turn out to be right and you’re wrong,
           A million years from now,
           In language straightforward and strong
           I’ll admit my mistake
           To your beloved waking face.

           If I’m right, by God’s grace,
           I’ll be truly sorry,
           Because in that isolation, there won’t be
           Any sign of you and me.

           A million years, oh patient stone,
           You’ve waited for this message.
           Deliver it a million years from now;
           (The survivor pays the delivery cost.)
                                MARK TWAIN

    Contract with Mrs. T. K. Beecher, July 2, 1895.

Pond came to Elmira and the route westward was arranged. Clemens decided to give selections from his books, as he had done with Cable, and to start without much delay. He dreaded the prospect of setting out on that long journey alone, nor could Mrs. Clemens find it in her heart to consent to such a plan. It was bitterly hard to know what to do, but it was decided at last that she and one of the elder daughters should accompany him, the others remaining with their aunt at Quarry Farm. Susy, who had the choice, dreaded ocean travel, and felt that she would be happier and healthier to rest in the quiet of that peaceful hilltop. She elected to remain with her aunt and Jean; and it fell to Clara to go. Major Pond and his wife would accompany them as far as Vancouver. They left Elmira on the night of the 14th of July. When the train pulled away their last glimpse was of Susy, standing with the others under the electric light of the railway platform, waving them good-by.

Pond arrived in Elmira and the route west was set. Clemens decided to read selections from his books, as he had done with Cable, and to leave without much delay. He was anxious about the idea of starting that long journey alone, and Mrs. Clemens couldn't bring herself to agree to such a plan. It was hard to decide what to do, but eventually, they agreed that she and one of the older daughters would go with him, while the others would stay with their aunt at Quarry Farm. Susy, who got to choose, was afraid of ocean travel and thought she would be happier and healthier resting on that tranquil hilltop. She chose to stay with her aunt and Jean, leaving Clara to go. Major Pond and his wife would travel with them as far as Vancouver. They left Elmira on the night of July 14th. As the train pulled away, their last sight was of Susy, standing with the others under the electric light of the train platform, waving goodbye.





CXCI. CLEMENS HAD BEEN ILL IN ELMIRA WITH A CARBUNCLE

Clemens had been ill in Elmira with a distressing carbuncle, and was still in no condition to undertake steady travel and entertainment in that fierce summer heat. He was fearful of failure. “I sha'n't be able to stand on a platform,” he wrote Mr. Rogers; but they pushed along steadily with few delays. They began in Cleveland, thence by the Great Lakes, traveling by steamer from one point to another, going constantly, with readings at every important point—Duluth, Minneapolis, St. Paul, Winnipeg, Butte, and through the great Northwest, arriving at Vancouver at last on August 16th, but one day behind schedule time.

Clemens had been sick in Elmira with a painful carbuncle, and he was still not in good shape to handle ongoing travel and events in that intense summer heat. He was worried about failing. “I won’t be able to stand on a platform,” he wrote to Mr. Rogers; but they kept moving forward with only a few delays. They started in Cleveland, then traveled by the Great Lakes, taking a steamer from one location to another, going non-stop, with readings at every key place—Duluth, Minneapolis, St. Paul, Winnipeg, Butte, and through the vast Northwest, finally reaching Vancouver on August 16th, just one day behind schedule.

It had been a hot, blistering journey, but of immense interest, for none of them had traveled through the Northwest, and the wonder and grandeur of it all, its scenery, its bigness, its mighty agriculture, impressed them. Clemens in his notes refers more than once to the “seas” and “ocean” of wheat.

It had been a really hot and exhausting journey, but it was fascinating, since none of them had been to the Northwest before. They were amazed by the beauty and vastness of it all, its scenery, its size, and its impressive agriculture. Clemens mentions several times in his notes the “seas” and “ocean” of wheat.

    There is the peace of the ocean about it and a deep contentment, a
    heaven-wide sense of ampleness, spaciousness, where pettiness and
    all small thoughts and tempers must be out of place, not suited to
    it, and so not intruding. The scattering, far-off homesteads, with
    trees about them, were so homelike and remote from the warring
    world, so reposeful and enticing. The most distant and faintest
    under the horizon suggested fading ships at sea.
    There’s a calming vibe to it, like the peace of the ocean, and a profound sense of contentment, a vast feeling of openness and space where little worries and negative thoughts simply don’t fit in and, therefore, don’t show up. The scattered, distant homes surrounded by trees felt both nostalgic and far away from the troubled world, so soothing and inviting. The faintest sights on the horizon hinted at fading ships out at sea.

The Lake travel impressed him; the beauties and cleanliness of the Lake steamers, which he compares with those of Europe, to the disadvantage of the latter. Entering Port Huron he wrote:

The Lake journey amazed him; the beauty and cleanliness of the Lake steamers, which he compared unfavorably to those in Europe. Arriving in Port Huron, he wrote:

    The long approach through narrow ways with flat grass and wooded
    land on both sides, and on the left a continuous row of summer
    cottages, with small-boat accommodations for visiting across the
    little canals from family to family, the groups of summer-dressed
    young people all along waving flags and handkerchiefs and firing
    cannon, our boat replying with toots of the hoarse whistle and now
    and then a cannon, and meeting steamers in the narrow way, and once
    the stately sister-ship of the line crowded with summer-dressed
    people waving-the rich browns and greens of the rush-grown, far-
    reaching flat-lands, with little glimpses of water away on their
    farther edges, the sinking sun throwing a crinkled broad carpet of
    gold on the water-well, it is the perfection of voyaging.
The long journey through narrow paths lined with flat grass and wooded areas on both sides, with a continuous row of summer cottages on the left, featuring small boat access for families to visit each other across the small canals. Groups of young people in summer attire wave flags and handkerchiefs, firing cannons as our boat responds with toots from the loud whistle and occasionally a cannon blast. We pass steamers in the narrow channels, and at one point, we encounter the elegant sister ship of the line, filled with people in summer clothes waving. The rich browns and greens of the sprawling flatlands, with occasional glimpses of water at the further edges, and the setting sun casting a shimmering golden blanket on the water—this truly is the ultimate experience of sailing.

It had seemed a doubtful experiment to start with Mrs. Clemens on that journey in the summer heat; but, strange to say, her health improved, and she reached Vancouver by no means unfit for the long voyage ahead. No doubt the change and continuous interest and their splendid welcome everywhere and their prosperity were accountable. Everywhere they were entertained; flowers filled their rooms; carriages and committees were always waiting. It was known that Mark Twain had set out for the purpose of paying his debts, and no cause would make a deeper appeal to his countrymen than that, or, for that matter, to the world at large.

It initially seemed like a questionable decision to start the journey with Mrs. Clemens in the summer heat, but surprisingly, her health improved, and she arrived in Vancouver in good shape for the long voyage ahead. The change, constant stimulation, their warm welcome everywhere, and their success were likely the reasons for this. They were hosted everywhere they went; their rooms were filled with flowers, and carriages and committees were always waiting for them. It was widely known that Mark Twain had set out to pay his debts, and nothing would resonate more with his fellow countrymen—or with the world—than that.

From Winnipeg he wrote to Mr. Rogers:

From Winnipeg, he wrote to Mr. Rogers:

    At the end of an hour and a half I offered to let the audience go,
    but they said “go on,” and I did.
    At the end of an hour and a half, I suggested that the audience could leave, but they said, “keep going,” so I did.

He had five thousand dollars to forward to Rogers to place against his debt account by the time he reached the Coast, a fine return for a month's travel in that deadly season. At no more than two places were the houses less than crowded. One of these was Anaconda, then a small place, which they visited only because the manager of the entertainment hall there had known Clemens somewhere back in the sixties and was eager to have him. He failed to secure the amount of the guarantee required by Pond, and when Pond reported to Clemens that he had taken “all he had” Clemens said:

He had five thousand dollars to send to Rogers to apply toward his debt by the time he got to the Coast, which was a good return for a month of travel during that dangerous season. There were only a couple of places where the houses weren’t packed. One of these was Anaconda, a small town at the time, which they only visited because the manager of the entertainment hall there had known Clemens back in the sixties and was eager to have him. He failed to secure the guarantee amount that Pond required, and when Pond reported back to Clemens that he had taken "everything he had," Clemens said:

“And you took the last cent that poor fellow had. Send him one hundred dollars, and if you can't afford to stand your share charge it all to me. I'm not going around robbing my friends who are disappointed in my commercial value. I don't want to get money that way.”

“And you took the last cent that poor guy had. Send him one hundred dollars, and if you can’t afford your share, just charge it all to me. I’m not going to rob my friends who are let down by my business value. I don’t want to make money like that.”

“I sent the money,” said Pond afterward, “and was glad of the privilege of standing my share.”

“I sent the money,” Pond said afterward, “and I was happy to cover my part.”

Clemens himself had not been in the best of health during the trip. He had contracted a heavy cold and did not seem to gain strength. But in a presentation copy of 'Roughing It', given to Pond as a souvenir, he wrote:

Clemens himself hadn't been in great health during the trip. He had caught a bad cold and didn’t seem to be getting stronger. But in a presentation copy of 'Roughing It', which he gave to Pond as a souvenir, he wrote:

“Here ends one of the smoothest and pleasantest trips across the continent that any group of five has ever made.”

“Here ends one of the smoothest and most enjoyable journeys across the continent that any group of five has ever taken.”

There were heavy forest fires in the Northwest that year, and smoke everywhere. The steamer Waryimoo, which was to have sailed on the 16th, went aground in the smoke, and was delayed a week. While they were waiting, Clemens lectured in Victoria, with the Governor-General and Lady Aberdeen and their little son in the audience. His note-book says:

There were massive forest fires in the Northwest that year, and smoke was everywhere. The steamer Waryimoo, which was supposed to leave on the 16th, ran aground in the smoke and was delayed for a week. While they waited, Clemens gave lectures in Victoria, with the Governor-General, Lady Aberdeen, and their young son in the audience. His notebook says:

    They came in at 8.45, 15 minutes late; wish they would always be
    present, for it isn't permissible to begin until they come; by that
    time the late-comers are all in.
    They arrived at 8:45, 15 minutes late; I wish they would always show up on time because we can't start until they get here; by then, all the late arrivals are already inside.

Clemens wrote a number of final letters from Vancouver. In one of them to Mr. J. Henry Harper, of Harper & Brothers, he expressed the wish that his name might now be printed as the author of “Joan,” which had begun serially in the April Magazine. He thought it might help his lecturing tour and keep his name alive. But a few days later, with Mrs. Clemens's help, he had reconsidered, and wrote:

Clemens wrote several final letters from Vancouver. In one of them to Mr. J. Henry Harper of Harper & Brothers, he expressed his desire for his name to be published as the author of “Joan,” which had started running in the April Magazine. He believed it could support his speaking tour and keep his name relevant. However, just a few days later, with Mrs. Clemens's assistance, he changed his mind and wrote:

    My wife is a little troubled by my wanting my nom de plume put to
    the “Joan of Arc” so soon. She thinks it might go counter to your
    plans, and that you ought to be left free and unhampered in the
    matter.

    All right-so be it. I wasn't strenuous about it, and wasn't meaning
    to insist; I only thought my reasons were good, and I really think
    so yet, though I do confess the weight and fairness of hers.
    My wife is a bit concerned about my desire to use my pen name as “Joan of Arc” so soon. She worries it might interfere with your plans and that you should be allowed to proceed freely without any pressure.

    Alright—understood. I wasn’t forceful about it and didn’t mean to push; I just believed my reasons were valid, and I still do, although I admit the weight and fairness of hers.

As a matter of fact the authorship of “Joan” had been pretty generally guessed by the second or third issue. Certain of its phrasing and humor could hardly have come from another pen than Mark Twain's. The authorship was not openly acknowledged, however, until the publication of the book, the following May.

As a matter of fact, people had mostly figured out that Mark Twain was the author of “Joan” by the second or third issue. Some of its phrases and humor could hardly come from anyone else. However, the authorship wasn’t officially revealed until the book was published the following May.

Among the letters from Vancouver was this one to Rudyard Kipling

Among the letters from Vancouver was this one to Rudyard Kipling.

    DEAR KIPLING,—It is reported that you are about to visit India.
    This has moved me to journey to that far country in order that I may
    unload from my conscience a debt long due to you. Years ago you
    came from India to Elmira to visit me, as you said at the time. It
    has always been my purpose to return that visit & that great
    compliment some day. I shall arrive next January & you must be
    ready. I shall come riding my ayah with his tusks adorned with
    silver bells & ribbons & escorted by a troop of native howdahs
    richly clad & mounted upon a herd of wild bungalows; & you must be
    on hand with a few bottles of ghee, for I shall be thirsty.
    DEAR KIPLING,—I’ve heard that you’re planning to visit India. This has inspired me to make the trip to that distant country so I can finally pay off a long-overdue debt to you. Years ago, you came from India to Elmira to see me, as you mentioned at the time. I’ve always intended to return that visit and show my appreciation someday. I’ll arrive next January, so be ready. I’ll come riding my ayah with his tusks decorated with silver bells and ribbons, accompanied by a group of native howdahs dressed in fine clothes and riding on a bunch of wild bungalows; and you better have a few bottles of ghee on hand because I’ll be thirsty.

To the press he gave this parting statement:

To the press, he gave this farewell statement:

    It has been reported that I sacrificed for the benefit of the
    creditors the property of the publishing firm whose financial backer
    I was and that I am now lecturing for my own benefit. This is an
    error. I intend the lectures as well as the property for the
    creditors. The law recognizes no mortgage on a man's brain, and a
    merchant who has given up all he has may take advantage of the laws
    of insolvency and start free again for himself. But I am not a
    business man, and honor is a harder master than the law. It cannot
    compromise for less than 100 cents on the dollar and its debts never
    outlaw. From my reception thus far on my lecturing tour I am
    confident that if I live I can pay off the last debt within four
    years, after which, at the age of sixty-four, I can make a fresh and
    unincumbered start in life. I am going to Australia, India, and
    South Africa, and next year I hope to make a tour of the great
    cities of the United States. I meant, when I began, to give my
    creditors all the benefit of this, but I am beginning to feel that I
    am gaining something from it, too, and that my dividends, if not
    available for banking purposes, may be even more satisfactory than
    theirs.
    It's been said that I sacrificed the publishing firm's property, which I financed, for the creditors' benefit and that I'm now lecturing for my own gain. That's a mistake. I intend for both the lectures and the property to benefit the creditors. The law doesn't recognize a claim on a person's intellect, and a business person who has lost everything can use insolvency laws to start over. But I'm not a businessman, and honor is a tougher judge than the law. It demands full payment and does not forgive debts. Based on how my lectures have been received so far, I believe that if I live, I can pay off the final debt in four years, after which, at sixty-four, I can start fresh and free of burdens. I'm planning to go to Australia, India, and South Africa, and next year I hope to tour the major cities in the United States. Initially, I intended to give my creditors the full benefits of this, but I'm starting to realize that I'm gaining something from it as well, and that my returns, even if not usable for banking, might be more rewarding than theirs.

There was one creditor, whose name need not be “handed down to infamy,” who had refused to consent to any settlement except immediate payment in full, and had pursued with threatened attachment of earnings and belongings, until Clemens, exasperated, had been disposed to turn over to his creditors all remaining properties and let that suffice, once and for all. But this was momentary. He had presently instructed Mr. Rogers to “pay Shylock in full,” and to assure any others that he would pay them, too, in the end. But none of the others annoyed him.

There was one creditor, whose name doesn't need to be remembered for shame, who refused to agree to any settlement except for immediate full payment. He had pursued Clemens with threats of seizing his earnings and belongings, pushing Clemens to the point where he felt like handing over all his remaining properties to his creditors and calling it quits for good. But this was just a passing thought. He soon instructed Mr. Rogers to “pay Shylock in full” and to reassure the others that he would pay them, too, eventually. However, none of the others bothered him.

It was on the afternoon of August 23, 1895, that they were off at last. Major Pond and his wife lunched with them on board and waved them good-by as long as they could see the vessel. The far voyage which was to carry them for the better part of the year to the under side of the world had begun.

It was on the afternoon of August 23, 1895, that they finally set off. Major Pond and his wife had lunch with them on board and waved goodbye for as long as they could see the ship. The long journey that would take them for most of the year to the southern hemisphere had begun.





CXCII. “FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR”

Mark Twain himself has written with great fulness the story of that traveling—setting down what happened, and mainly as it happened, with all the wonderful description, charm, and color of which he was so great a master. We need do little more than summarize then—adding a touch here and there, perhaps, from another point of view.

Mark Twain himself has written extensively about that journey—describing what happened, mostly as it unfolded, with all the wonderful detail, charm, and vibrancy that he mastered so well. We just need to summarize it, maybe adding a few insights from a different perspective here and there.

They had expected to stop at the Sandwich Islands, but when they arrived in the roadstead of Honolulu, word came that cholera had broken out and many were dying daily. They could not land. It was a double disappointment; not only were the lectures lost, but Clemens had long looked forward to revisiting the islands he had so loved in the days of his youth. There was nothing for them to do but to sit on the decks in the shade of the awnings and look at the distant shore. In his book he says:

They thought they would stop at the Sandwich Islands, but when they got to the harbor of Honolulu, they heard that cholera had broken out and many people were dying every day. They couldn’t go ashore. It was a double letdown; not only were the lectures canceled, but Clemens had also been looking forward to going back to the islands he had loved so much in his youth. All they could do was sit on the decks in the shade of the awnings and look at the distant shoreline. In his book, he says:

    We lay in luminous blue water; shoreward the water was green-green
    and brilliant; at the shore itself it broke in a long, white ruffle,
    and with no crash, no sound that we could hear. The town was buried
    under a mat of foliage that looked like a cushion of moss. The
    silky mountains were clothed in soft, rich splendors of melting
    color, and some of the cliffs were veiled in slanting mists. I
    recognized it all. It was just as I had seen it long before, with
    nothing of its beauty lost, nothing of its charm wanting.
    We lay in bright blue water; closer to the shore, the water was a vibrant green and sparkling; at the shoreline, it broke into a long, white wave, and there was no crash, no sound we could hear. The town was hidden under a thick layer of trees that looked like a soft cushion of moss. The smooth mountains were dressed in rich, soft hues of melting colors, and some of the cliffs were shrouded in slanting mist. I recognized it all. It was just as I had seen it long ago, with none of its beauty faded, none of its charm missing.

In his note-book he wrote: “If I might, I would go ashore and never leave.”

In his notebook he wrote: “If I could, I would go ashore and never leave.”

This was the 31 st of August. Two days later they were off again, sailing over the serene Pacific, bearing to the southwest for Australia. They crossed the equator, which he says was wisely put where it is, because if it had been run through Europe all the kings would have tried to grab it. They crossed it September 6th, and he notes that Clara kodaked it. A day or two later the north star disappeared behind them and the constellation of the Cross came into view above the southern horizon. Then presently they were among the islands of the southern Pacific, and landed for a little time on one of the Fiji group. They had twenty-four days of halcyon voyaging between Vancouver and Sydney with only one rough day. A ship's passengers get closely acquainted on a trip of that length and character. They mingle in all sorts of diversions to while away the time; and at the end have become like friends of many years.

This was August 31st. Two days later, they were off again, sailing over the calm Pacific, heading southwest toward Australia. They crossed the equator, which he believes was smartly placed where it is, because if it had crossed through Europe, all the kings would have tried to claim it. They crossed it on September 6th, and he mentions that Clara took a picture of it. A day or two later, the North Star disappeared behind them, and the Southern Cross constellation appeared above the southern horizon. Soon, they found themselves among the islands of the southern Pacific and landed for a bit on one of the Fiji islands. They enjoyed twenty-four days of peaceful sailing between Vancouver and Sydney with only one rough day. Passengers on a trip of that length and nature get to know each other well. They engage in various activities to pass the time, and by the end, they feel like friends who have known each other for years.

On the night of September 15th-a night so dark that from the ship's deck one could not see the water—schools of porpoises surrounded the ship, setting the water alive with phosphorescent splendors: “Like glorified serpents thirty to fifty feet long. Every curve of the tapering long body perfect. The whole snake dazzlingly illumined. It was a weird sight to see this sparkling ghost come suddenly flashing along out of the solid gloom and stream past like a meteor.”

On the night of September 15th—a night so dark that you couldn't see the water from the ship's deck—schools of porpoises surrounded the ship, lighting up the water with glowing wonders: “Like glorified serpents thirty to fifty feet long. Every curve of their slender bodies was perfect. The whole creature was dazzlingly lit up. It was a strange sight to see this sparkling ghost suddenly flash out of the thick darkness and shoot by like a meteor.”

They were in Sydney next morning, September 16, 1895, and landed in a pouring rain, the breaking up of a fierce drought. Clemens announced that he had brought Australia good-fortune, and should expect something in return.

They arrived in Sydney the next morning, September 16, 1895, and landed in a heavy rain, marking the end of a brutal drought. Clemens declared that he had brought good luck to Australia and expected something in return.

Mr. Smythe was ready for them and there was no time lost in getting to work. All Australia was ready for them, in fact, and nowhere in their own country were they more lavishly and royally received than in that faraway Pacific continent. Crowded houses, ovations, and gorgeous entertainment—public and private—were the fashion, and a little more than two weeks after arrival Clemens was able to send back another two thousand dollars to apply on his debts. But he had hard luck, too, for another carbuncle developed at Melbourne and kept him laid up for nearly a week. When he was able to go before an audience again he said:

Mr. Smythe was ready for them, and they wasted no time getting to work. In fact, all of Australia was prepared for them, and nowhere in their own country were they welcomed more extravagantly and royally than on that distant Pacific continent. Packed venues, standing ovations, and spectacular entertainment—both public and private—were the norm, and a little over two weeks after their arrival, Clemens managed to send back another two thousand dollars to help pay off his debts. However, he also faced some tough luck, as another carbuncle appeared in Melbourne and kept him sidelined for nearly a week. When he was finally able to face an audience again, he said:

“The doctor says I am on the verge of being a sick man. Well, that may be true enough while I am lying abed all day trying to persuade his cantankerous, rebellious medicines to agree with each other; but when I come out at night and get a welcome like this I feel as young and healthy as anybody, and as to being on the verge of being a sick man I don't take any stock in that. I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it's never happened yet.”

“The doctor says I’m about to be a sick man. That might be true while I’m stuck in bed all day trying to get his stubborn, difficult medicines to work together, but when I go out at night and get a welcome like this, I feel as young and healthy as anyone. As for being on the verge of being a sick man, I don't buy it. I’ve been on the verge of being an angel my whole life, but it hasn’t happened yet.”

In his book Clemens has told us his joy in Australia, his interest in the perishing native tribes, in the wonderfully governed cities, in the gold-mines, and in the advanced industries. The climate he thought superb; “a darling climate,” he says in a note-book entry.

In his book, Clemens shares his joy in Australia, his fascination with the vanishing native tribes, the well-managed cities, the gold mines, and the thriving industries. He thought the climate was amazing; “a darling climate,” he notes in a notebook entry.

Perhaps one ought to give a little idea of the character of his entertainment. His readings were mainly from his earlier books, 'Roughing It' and 'Innocents Abroad'. The story of the dead man which, as a boy, he had discovered in his father's office was one that he often told, and the “Mexican Plug” and his “Meeting with Artemus Ward” and the story of Jim Blaine's old ram; now and again he gave chapters from 'Huck Finn' and 'Tom Sawyer'. He was likely to finish with that old fireside tale of his early childhood, the “Golden Arm.” But he sometimes told the watermelon story, written for Mrs. Rogers, or gave extracts from Adam's Diary, varying his program a good deal as he went along, and changing it entirely where he appeared twice in one city.

Maybe it’s helpful to give a bit of insight into the nature of his performances. He primarily read from his earlier works, "Roughing It" and "Innocents Abroad." He often shared the story of the dead man he had found in his father’s office when he was a boy, along with the "Mexican Plug," his "Meeting with Artemus Ward," and the story about Jim Blaine's old ram. Occasionally, he included chapters from "Huck Finn" and "Tom Sawyer." He usually wrapped up with that classic fireside story from his childhood, the "Golden Arm." However, he sometimes recounted the watermelon story he wrote for Mrs. Rogers or shared excerpts from Adam's Diary, mixing up his program quite a bit as he went along, and completely changing it when he performed twice in the same city.

Mrs. Clemens and Clara, as often as they had heard him, generally went when the hour of entertainment came: They enjoyed seeing his triumph with the different audiences, watching the effect of his subtle art.

Mrs. Clemens and Clara, as often as they had heard him, usually went when it was time for the show: They liked witnessing his success with the various audiences, observing the impact of his skillful performance.

One story, the “Golden Arm,” had in it a pause, an effective, delicate pause which must be timed to the fraction of a second in order to realize its full value. Somewhere before we have stated that no one better than Mark Twain knew the value of a pause. Mrs. Clemens and Clara were willing to go night after night and hear that tale time and again, for its effect on each new, audience.

One story, the “Golden Arm,” featured a pause, a powerful, subtle pause that had to be timed to the exact fraction of a second to truly capture its full impact. Earlier, we mentioned that no one understood the power of a pause better than Mark Twain. Mrs. Clemens and Clara were eager to go night after night to hear that story over and over because of its effect on each new audience.

From Australia to New Zealand—where Clemens had his third persistent carbuncle,—[In Following the Equator the author says: “The dictionary says a carbuncle is a kind of jewel. Humor is out of place in a dictionary.”]—and again lost time in consequence. It was while he was in bed with this distressing ailment that he wrote Twichell:

From Australia to New Zealand—where Clemens had his third persistent carbuncle,—[In Following the Equator the author says: “The dictionary says a carbuncle is a kind of jewel. Humor is out of place in a dictionary.”]—and once again lost time because of it. It was while he was in bed with this painful condition that he wrote to Twichell:

    I think it was a good stroke of luck that knocked me on my back here
    at Napier instead of in some hotel in the center of a noisy city.
    Here we have the smooth & placidly complaining sea at our door, with
    nothing between us & it but 20 yards of shingle—& hardly a
    suggestion of life in that space to mar it or to make a noise. Away
    down here fifty-five degrees south of the equator this sea seems to
    murmur in an unfamiliar tongue—a foreign tongue—a tongue bred
    among the ice-fields of the antarctic—a murmur with a note of
    melancholy in it proper to the vast unvisited solitudes it has come
    from. It was very delicious and solacing to wake in the night &
    find it still pulsing there. I wish you were here—land, but it
    would be fine!
I think it was really fortunate that I ended up here in Napier instead of in some hotel in a noisy city center. Here, we have the calm and gently complaining sea right at our doorstep, with just 20 yards of pebbles between us and it—barely a hint of life in that gap to disrupt the peace or make any noise. Down here, fifty-five degrees south of the equator, this sea seems to whisper in a strange language—a foreign language—one that comes from the ice fields of Antarctica—a whisper with a touch of sadness reflecting the vast, untouched solitude it originates from. It felt so lovely and comforting to wake up at night and hear it still pulsing there. I wish you were here—land, it would be wonderful!

Mrs. Clemens and himself both had birthdays in New Zealand; Clemens turned sixty, and his wife passed the half-century mark.

Mrs. Clemens and he both had birthdays in New Zealand; Clemens turned sixty, and his wife passed the fifty mark.

“I do not like it one single bit,” she wrote to her sister. “Fifty years old-think of it; that seems very far on.”

“I don't like it at all,” she wrote to her sister. “Fifty years old—just think about that; it feels like such a long way off.”

And Clemens wrote:

And Clemens wrote:

    Day before yesterday was Livy's birthday (underworld time) &
    tomorrow will be mine. I shall be 60—no thanks for it!
    The day before yesterday was Livy's birthday (underworld time) & tomorrow will be mine. I'll be 60—no thanks for that!

From New Zealand back to Australia, and then with the new year away to Ceylon. Here they were in the Orient at last, the land of color, enchantment, and gentle races. Clemens was ill with a heavy cold when they arrived; and in fact, at no time during this long journeying was his health as good as that of his companions. The papers usually spoke of him as looking frail, and he was continually warned that he must not remain in India until the time of the great heat. He was so determined to work, however, and working was so profitable, that he seldom spared himself.

From New Zealand back to Australia, and then with the new year off to Ceylon. Here they were in the East at last, the land of vibrant colors, enchantment, and gentle people. Clemens had a bad cold when they arrived; in fact, his health was never as good as that of his companions during this long journey. The newspapers often mentioned that he looked weak, and he was repeatedly cautioned not to stay in India until the peak heat. However, he was so determined to work, and working was so rewarding, that he rarely took it easy.

He traveled up and down and back and forth the length and breadth of India—from Bombay to Allahabad, to Benares, to Calcutta and Darjeeling, to Lahore, to Lucknow, to Delhi—old cities of romance—and to Jeypore—through the heat and dust on poor, comfortless railways, fighting his battle and enjoying it too, for he reveled in that amazing land—its gorgeous, swarming life, the patience and gentleness of its servitude, its splendid pageantry, the magic of its architecture, the maze and mystery of its religions, the wonder of its ageless story.

He traveled back and forth across the whole of India—from Mumbai to Allahabad, to Varanasi, to Kolkata and Darjeeling, to Lahore, to Lucknow, to Delhi—old cities filled with romance—and to Jaipur—through the heat and dust on uncomfortable trains, fighting his battle and enjoying it too, because he loved that incredible land—its vibrant, bustling life, the patience and kindness of its people, its spectacular pageantry, the beauty of its architecture, the complexity and mystery of its religions, and the awe of its timeless history.

One railway trip he enjoyed—a thirty-five-mile flight down the steep mountain of Darjeeling in a little canopied hand-car. In his book he says:

One railway trip he enjoyed—a thirty-five-mile ride down the steep mountain of Darjeeling in a small canopied handcar. In his book he says:

    That was the most enjoyable time I have spent in the earth. For
    rousing, tingling, rapturous pleasure there is no holiday trip that
    approaches the bird-flight down the Himalayas in a handcar. It has
    no fault, no blemish, no lack, except that there are only thirty-
    five miles of it, instead of five hundred.
That was the best time I've ever had on this planet. For thrilling, exciting, joyful pleasure, there's no vacation that compares to gliding down the Himalayas in a handcar. It has no flaws, no imperfections, nothing missing, except that it's only thirty-five miles long instead of five hundred.

Mark Twain found India all that Rudyard Kipling had painted it and more. “INDIA THE MARVELOUS” he printed in his note-book in large capitals, as an effort to picture his thought, and in his book he wrote:

Mark Twain found India to be everything Rudyard Kipling had described and even more. “INDIA THE MARVELOUS” he wrote in his notebook in big letters, trying to capture his feelings, and in his book he said:

    So far as I am able to judge nothing has been left undone, either by
    man or Nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the
    sun visits on his rounds. “Where every prospect pleases, and only
    man is vile.”
 
So far as I can tell, nothing has been overlooked, either by humans or Nature, to make India the most amazing country that the sun visits on its journey. “Where every view is pleasing, and only humans are terrible.”

Marvelous India is, certainly; and he saw it all to the best advantage, for government official and native grandee spared no effort to do honor to his party—to make their visit something to be remembered for a lifetime. It was all very gratifying, and most of it of extraordinary interest. There are not many visitors who get to see the inner household of a native prince of India, and the letter which Mark Twain wrote to Kumar Shri Samatsinhji, a prince of the Palitana state, at Bombay, gives us a notion of how his unostentatious, even if lavish, hospitality was appreciated.

India is truly amazing, and he experienced it at its finest, as both government officials and local aristocrats went above and beyond to honor his group—making their visit unforgettable. It was all very satisfying, and much of it was incredibly fascinating. Few visitors get to see the private life of an Indian prince, and the letter Mark Twain wrote to Kumar Shri Samatsinhji, a prince from the Palitana state in Bombay, gives us an idea of how his modest, yet abundant, hospitality was valued.

    DEAR KUMAR SAHIB,—It would be hard for me to put into words how
    much my family & I enjoyed our visit to your hospitable house. It
    was our first glimpse of the home of an Eastern Prince, & the charm
    of it, the grace & beauty & dignity of it realized to us the
    pictures which we had long ago gathered from books of travel &
    Oriental tales. We shall not forget that happy experience, nor your
    kind courtesies to us, nor those of her Highness to my wife &
    daughter. We shall keep always the portrait & the beautiful things
    you gave us; & as long as we live a glance at them will bring your
    house and its life & its sumptuous belongings & rich harmonies of
    color instantly across the years & the oceans, & we shall see them
    again, & how welcome they will be!

    We make our salutation to your Highness & to all members of your
    family—including, with affectionate regard, that littlest little
    sprite of a Princess—& I beg to sign myself

                  Sincerely yours,
                            S. L. CLEMENS.

    BENARES, February 5, 1896.
    DEAR KUMAR SAHIB,—It’s hard for me to express how much my family and I enjoyed our visit to your welcoming home. It was our first glimpse of an Eastern Prince’s residence, and its charm, grace, beauty, and dignity made us realize the images we had long collected from travel books and Oriental tales. We will cherish that happy experience, along with your kindness towards us and her Highness’s kindness towards my wife and daughter. We will always keep the portrait and the beautiful gifts you gave us; as long as we live, just a glance at them will instantly remind us of your home, its life, its luxurious belongings, and the rich colors that connect us across the years and oceans, allowing us to see them again, and how welcome they will be!

    We send our regards to your Highness and all your family members—including, with fondness, that little sprite of a Princess—& I beg to sign myself

                  Sincerely yours,
                            S. L. CLEMENS.

    BENARES, February 5, 1896.

They had been entertained in truly royal fashion by Prince Kumar, who, after refreshments, had ordered in “bales of rich stuffs” in the true Arabian Nights fashion, and commanded his servants to open them and allow his guests to select for themselves.

They were hosted in a truly royal style by Prince Kumar, who, after refreshments, had ordered in “bales of rich fabrics” just like in the Arabian Nights, and instructed his servants to open them so his guests could choose for themselves.

With the possible exception of General Grant's long trip in '78 and '79 there has hardly been a more royal progress than Mark Twain's trip around the world. Everywhere they were overwhelmed with honors and invitations, and their gifts became so many that Mrs. Clemens wrote she did not see how they were going to carry them all. In a sense, it was like the Grant trip, for it was a tribute which the nations paid not only to a beloved personality, but to the American character and people.

With the possible exception of General Grant's long trip in '78 and '79, there has hardly been a more grand journey than Mark Twain's trip around the world. Everywhere they went, they were showered with honors and invitations, and their gifts piled up so much that Mrs. Clemens wrote she didn't know how they were going to carry them all. In a way, it was similar to Grant's trip, as it was a tribute that nations paid not only to a beloved figure but also to the American character and people.

The story of that East Indian sojourn alone would fill a large book, and Mark Twain, in his own way, has written that book, in the second volume of Following the Equator, an informing, absorbing, and enchanting story of Indian travel.

The story of that trip to East India alone could fill a huge book, and Mark Twain, in his unique style, has written that book in the second volume of Following the Equator, an insightful, captivating, and delightful account of his travels in India.

Clemens lectured everywhere to jammed houses, which were rather less profitable than in Australia, because in India the houses were not built for such audiences as he could command. He had to lecture three times in Calcutta, and then many people were turned away. At one place, however, his hall was large enough. This was in the great Hall of the Palace, where durbars are held, at Bombay.

Clemens gave lectures everywhere to packed houses, which were not as profitable as in Australia, because in India the venues weren't designed for the large audiences he could attract. He had to lecture three times in Calcutta, and still, many people were turned away. However, there was one venue where his audience could fit. This was in the grand Hall of the Palace, where durbars are held, in Bombay.

Altogether they were two months in India, and then about the middle of March an English physician at Jeypore warned them to fly for Calcutta and get out of the country immediately before the real heat set in.

Overall, they spent two months in India, and around the middle of March, a British doctor in Jeypore advised them to rush to Calcutta and leave the country right away before the intense heat arrived.

They sailed toward the end of March, touched at Madras and again at Ceylon, remaining a day or two at Colombo, and then away to sea again, across the Indian Ocean on one of those long, peaceful, eventless, tropic voyages, where at night one steeps on deck and in daytime wears the whitest and lightest garments and cares to do little more than sit drowsily in a steamer-chair and read and doze and dream.

They set sail toward the end of March, stopped in Madras and then Ceylon, staying a day or two in Colombo before heading back out to sea, across the Indian Ocean on one of those long, peaceful, uneventful tropical voyages, where at night you sleep on deck and during the day you wear the lightest, whitest clothes and just want to lounge in a steamer chair, read, doze, and dream.

From the note-book:

From the notebook:

    Here in the wastes of the Indian Ocean just under the equator the
    sea is blue, the motion gentle, the sunshine brilliant, the broad
    decks with their grouped companies of talking, reading, or game-
    playing folk suggestive of a big summer hotel—but outside of the
    ship is no life visible but the occasional flash of a flying-fish.
    I would like the voyage, under these conditions, to continue
    forever.

           The Injian Ocean sits and smiles
           So sof', so bright, so bloomin' blue,
           There aren't a wave for miles an' miles
           Excep' the jiggle of the screw.

                              —KIP.

    How curiously unanecdotical the colonials and the ship-going English
    are—I believe I haven't told an anecdote or heard one since I left
    America, but Americans when grouped drop into anecdotes as soon as
    they get a little acquainted.

    Preserve your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist,
    but not live.

    Swore off from profanity early this morning—I was on deck in the
    peaceful dawn, the calm of holy dawn. Went down, dressed, bathed,
    put on white linen, shaved—a long, hot, troublesome job and no
    profanity. Then started to breakfast. Remembered my tonic—first
    time in 3 months without being told—poured it into measuring-glass,
    held bottle in one hand, it in the other, the cork in my teeth
    —reached up & got a tumbler—measuring-glass slipped out of my
    fingers—caught it, poured out another dose, first setting the
    tumbler on wash-stand—just got it poured, ship lurched, heard a
    crash behind me—it was the tumbler, broken into millions of
    fragments, but the bottom hunk whole. Picked it up to throw out of
    the open port, threw out the measuring-glass instead—then I
    released my voice. Mrs. Clemens behind me in the door.

    “Don't reform any more. It is not an improvement.”

    This is a good time to read up on scientific matters and improve the
    mind, for about us is the peace of the great deep. It invites to
    dreams, to study, to reflection. Seventeen days ago this ship
    sailed out of Calcutta, and ever since, barring a day or two in
    Ceylon, there has been nothing in sight but the tranquil blue sea &
    a cloudless blue sky. All down the Bay of Bengal it was so. It is
    still so in the vast solitudes of the Indian Ocean—17 days of
    heaven. In 11 more it will end. There will be one passenger who
    will be sorry. One reads all day long in this delicious air. Today
    I have been storing up knowledge from Sir John Lubbock about the
    ant. The thing which has struck me most and most astonished me is
    the ant's extraordinary powers of identification—memory of his
    friend's person. I will quote something which he says about Formica
    fusca. Formica fusca is not something to eat; it's the name of a
    breed of ants.
Here in the remote stretches of the Indian Ocean, just below the equator, the sea is a vibrant blue, the waves are gentle, the sun shines brightly, and the spacious deck, filled with groups of people chatting, reading, or playing games, feels like a big summer resort. But beyond the ship, there’s no sign of life except for the occasional flash of a flying fish. Under these conditions, I could happily sail forever.

           The Indian Ocean sits and smiles
           So soft, so bright, so blooming blue,
           There aren’t any waves for miles and miles
           Except the jiggle of the engine.

                              —KIP.

    It’s interesting how unspoken the colonials and the ship-going English are—I don’t think I’ve shared or heard a single story since I left America, but Americans tend to jump into storytelling as soon as they’re a bit familiar with each other.

    Hold on to your illusions. When they’re gone, you might still exist, but you won’t truly live.

    I decided to stop cursing early this morning— I was on deck during the peaceful dawn, the calm of a sacred morning. I went below, got dressed, took a bath, put on white linen, and shaved—a long, hot, troublesome task, all without any swearing. Then I sat down for breakfast. I remembered my tonic—my first time in three months remembering without being prompted—poured it into a measuring glass, held the bottle in one hand and the glass in the other, cork in my teeth—reached up and grabbed a tumbler—let the measuring glass slip from my fingers—caught it, poured another dose, first setting the tumbler on the washstand—just as I finished pouring, the ship lurched, and I heard a crash behind me—it was the tumbler, shattered into a million pieces, but the bottom was intact. I picked it up to toss it out the open port, mistakenly threw out the measuring glass instead—then I let out a curse. Mrs. Clemens was behind me at the door.

    “Don’t try to change anymore. It’s not an improvement.”

    This is a perfect time to delve into scientific topics and expand the mind, as the tranquility of the great deep surrounds us. It invites dreams, study, and reflection. Seventeen days ago, this ship left Calcutta, and since then, apart from a day or two in Ceylon, it’s been nothing but the calming blue sea and a clear blue sky. It was the same all along the Bay of Bengal. It continues to be this way in the vast emptiness of the Indian Ocean—17 days of paradise. In 11 more, it will come to an end. One passenger will be sad. One can read all day long in this delightful air. Today, I’ve been absorbing knowledge from Sir John Lubbock about ants. What has amazed me the most is the ant’s incredible identification skills—its memory of its friend’s appearance. I’ll quote something he says about Formica fusca. Formica fusca isn’t something to eat; it’s the name of a type of ant.

He does quote at great length and he transferred most of it later to his book. In another note he says:

He quotes extensively and later included most of it in his book. In another note, he says:

    In the past year have read Vicar of Wakefield and some of Jane
    Austen—thoroughly artificial. Have begun Children of the Abbey.
    It begins with this “Impromptu” from the sentimental heroine:

    “Hail, sweet asylum of my infancy! Content and innocence reside
    beneath your humble roof and charity unboastful of the good it
    renders.... Here unmolested may I wait till the rude storm
    of sorrow is overblown and my father's arms are again extended to
    receive me.”

    Has the ear-marks of preparation.
In the past year, I've read The Vicar of Wakefield and some of Jane Austen—so artificial. I've started Children of the Abbey. It opens with this "Impromptu" from the sentimental heroine:

"Hello, sweet refuge of my childhood! Happiness and innocence live beneath your simple roof, and kindness doesn't brag about the good it does... Here, undisturbed, may I wait until the harsh storm of sorrow has passed and my father's arms are once again open to welcome me."

It shows signs of being set up.

They were at the island of Mauritius by the middle of April, that curious bit of land mainly known to the world in the romance of Paul and Virginia, a story supposed by some in Mauritius to be “a part of the Bible.” They rested there for a fortnight and then set sail for South Africa on the ship Arundel Castle, which he tells us is the finest boat he has seen in those waters.

They arrived at the island of Mauritius by mid-April, that interesting piece of land mostly recognized from the story of Paul and Virginia, which some people in Mauritius even consider “a part of the Bible.” They stayed there for two weeks and then headed to South Africa on the ship Arundel Castle, which he claims is the best boat he has seen in those waters.

It was the end of the first week in May when they reached Durban and felt that they were nearing home.

It was the end of the first week in May when they got to Durban and felt like they were getting close to home.

One more voyage and they would be in England, where they had planned for Susy and Jean to join them.

One more trip and they would be in England, where they had planned for Susy and Jean to meet up with them.

Mrs. Clemens, eager for letters, writes of her disappointment in not finding one from Susy. The reports from Quarry Farm had been cheerful, and there had been small snap-shot photographs which were comforting, but her mother heart could not be entirely satisfied that Susy did not send letters. She had a vague fear that some trouble, some illness, had come to Susy which made her loath to write. Susy was, in fact, far from well, though no one, not even Susy herself, suspected how serious was her condition.

Mrs. Clemens, eager for letters, expresses her disappointment in not finding one from Susy. The updates from Quarry Farm had been cheerful, and there were small snapshots that provided some comfort, but her maternal instincts couldn’t fully relax knowing Susy hadn’t written. She had a nagging fear that something was wrong, maybe even an illness, that made Susy reluctant to write. In reality, Susy was far from well, although no one, not even Susy herself, realized how serious her condition really was.

Mrs. Clemens writes of her own hopefulness, but adds that her husband is often depressed.

Mrs. Clemens talks about her own optimism, but she also mentions that her husband often feels down.

    Mr. Clemens has not as much courage as I wish he had, but, poor old
    darling, he has been pursued with colds and inabilities of various
    sorts. Then he is so impressed with the fact that he is sixty years
    old. Naturally I combat that thought all I can, trying to make him
    rejoice that he is not seventy....

    He does not believe that any good thing will come, but that we must
    all our lives live in poverty. He says he never wants to go back to
    America. I cannot think that things are as black as he paints them,
    and I trust that if I get him settled down for work in some quiet
    English village he will get back much of his cheerfulness; in fact,
    I believe he will because that is what he wants to do, and that is
    the work that he loves: The platform he likes for the two hours that
    he is on it, but all the rest of the time it grinds him, and he says
    he is ashamed of what he is doing. Still, in spite of this sad
    undercurrent, we are having a delightful trip. People are so nice,
    and with people Mr. Clemens seems cheerful. Then the ocean trips
    are a great rest to him.
    Mr. Clemens doesn't have as much courage as I'd like him to have, but, poor old dear, he's been dealing with colds and various issues. Plus, he's really focused on the fact that he’s sixty years old. Naturally, I do my best to counter that thought, trying to get him to appreciate that he’s not seventy....

    He doesn’t believe that anything good will happen and thinks we'll live in poverty our whole lives. He says he never wants to go back to America. I just can't believe things are as grim as he describes, and I hope that if I can help him settle down and work in some quiet English village, he’ll regain much of his cheerfulness; in fact, I believe he will because that’s what he wants, and it’s the work he loves: He enjoys being on stage for the two hours he’s performing, but the rest of the time it weighs on him, and he says he feels ashamed of what he’s doing. Still, despite this underlying sadness, we're having a wonderful trip. People are so kind, and Mr. Clemens seems happy around them. Plus, the ocean trips are a great break for him.

Mrs. Clemens and Clara remained at the hotel in Durban while Clemens made his platform trip to the South African cities. It was just at the time when the Transvaal invasion had been put down—when the Jameson raid had come to grief and John Hares Hammond, chief of the reformers, and fifty or more supporters were lying in the jail at Pretoria under various sentences, ranging from one to fifteen years, Hammond himself having received the latter award. Mrs. Hammond was a fellow-Missourian; Clemens had known her in America. He went with her now to see the prisoners, who seemed to be having a pretty good time, expecting to be pardoned presently; pretending to regard their confinement mainly as a joke. Clemens, writing of it to Twichell, said:

Mrs. Clemens and Clara stayed at the hotel in Durban while Clemens made his trip to several cities in South Africa. This was around the time when the Transvaal invasion had just been suppressed—when the Jameson raid had failed and John Hares Hammond, the leader of the reformers, along with over fifty supporters, were sitting in jail in Pretoria serving various sentences, which ranged from one to fifteen years, with Hammond himself receiving the longer sentence. Mrs. Hammond was also from Missouri; Clemens had known her back in America. He accompanied her to visit the prisoners, who seemed to be enjoying themselves, expecting to be pardoned soon; they were mostly treating their confinement as a joke. Clemens wrote about it to Twichell, saying:

    A Boer guard was at my elbow all the time, but was courteous &
    polite, only he barred the way in the compound (quadrangle or big
    open court) & wouldn't let me cross a white mark that was on the
    ground—the “deathline,” one of the prisoners called it. Not in
    earnest, though, I think. I found that I had met Hammond once when
    he was a Yale senior & a guest of General Franklin's. I also found
    that I had known Captain Mein intimately 32 years ago. One of the
    English prisoners had heard me lecture in London 23 years ago....

    These prisoners are strong men, prominent men, & I believe they are
    all educated men. They are well off; some of them are wealthy.
    They have a lot of books to read, they play games & smoke, & for a
    while they will be able to bear up in their captivity; but not for
    long, not for very long, I take it. I am told they have times of
    deadly brooding and depression. I made them a speech—sitting down.
    It just happened so. I don't prefer that attitude. Still, it has
    one advantage—it is only a talk, it doesn't take the form of a
    speech.... I advised them at considerable length to stay
    where they were—they would get used to it & like it presently; if
    they got out they would only get in again somewhere else, by the
    look of their countenances; & I promised to go and see the President
    & do what I could to get him to double their jail terms....
    We had a very good sociable time till the permitted time was up &
    a little over & we outsiders had to go. I went again to-day, but
    the Rev. Mr. Gray had just arrived, & the warden, a genial, elderly
    Boer named Du Plessis, explained that his orders wouldn't allow him
    to admit saint & sinner at the same time, particularly on a Sunday.
    Du Plessis descended from the Huguenot fugitives, you see, of 200
    years ago—but he hasn't any French left in him now—all Dutch.
A Boer guard was next to me the whole time, but he was courteous and polite; he just wouldn't let me cross a white mark on the ground—the "deathline," one of the prisoners called it. Not seriously, though, I think. I realized that I had met Hammond once when he was a senior at Yale and a guest of General Franklin's. I also discovered that I had known Captain Mein well 32 years ago. One of the English prisoners had heard me give a lecture in London 23 years ago....

These prisoners are strong, prominent men, and I believe they are all educated. They’re well off; some of them are wealthy. They have plenty of books to read, they play games and smoke, and for a while, they can cope with their captivity; but not for long, I guess. I've been told they have periods of intense brooding and depression. I made them a speech while sitting down. It just happened that way. I don't usually prefer that position. Still, it has one benefit—it’s just a talk, not a formal speech... I advised them at length to stay where they were—they would get used to it and eventually like it; if they got out, they would probably end up back in again somewhere else, judging by their faces; and I promised to go see the President and do what I could to ask him to double their prison sentences....

We had a really nice, friendly time until the allowed time was up and a little beyond, and we outsiders had to leave. I went again today, but the Rev. Mr. Gray had just arrived, and the warden, a friendly older Boer named Du Plessis, explained that his orders wouldn’t let him admit both a saint and a sinner at the same time, especially on a Sunday. Du Plessis is descended from Huguenot refugees from 200 years ago—but he doesn’t have any French left in him now—he's all Dutch.

Clemens did visit President Kruger a few days later, but not for the purpose explained. John Hayes Hammond, in a speech not long ago (1911), told how Mark Twain was interviewed by a reporter after he left the jail, and when the reporter asked if the prisoners were badly treated Clemens had replied that he didn't think so, adding:

Clemens did visit President Kruger a few days later, but not for the purpose explained. John Hayes Hammond, in a speech not long ago (1911), told how Mark Twain was interviewed by a reporter after he left the jail, and when the reporter asked if the prisoners were badly treated, Clemens replied that he didn't think so, adding:

“As a matter of fact, a great many of these gentlemen have fared far worse in the hotels and mining-camps of the West.”

"As a matter of fact, many of these guys have had it much worse in the hotels and mining camps of the West."

Said Hammond in his speech: “The result of this was that the interview was reported literally and a leader appeared in the next morning's issue protesting against such lenience. The privations, already severe enough, were considerably augmented by that remark, and it required some three or four days' search on the part of some of our friends who were already outside of jail to get hold of Mark Twain and have him go and explain to Kruger that it was all a joke.”

Said Hammond in his speech: “As a result, the interview was reported word for word, and a leading article appeared in the next morning's issue complaining about such leniency. The hardships, already tough enough, were made even worse by that remark, and it took our friends, who were already out of jail, about three or four days to track down Mark Twain and have him explain to Kruger that it was all a joke.”

Clemens made as good a plea to “Oom Paul” as he could, and in some degree may have been responsible for the improved treatment and the shortened terms of the unlucky reformers.

Clemens made the best case he could to “Oom Paul,” and to some extent, he may have influenced the better treatment and the shorter sentences of the unfortunate reformers.

They did not hurry away from South Africa. Clemens gave many readings and paid a visit to the Kimberley mines. His note-book recalls how poor Riley twenty-five years before had made his fatal journey.

They didn't rush out of South Africa. Clemens held several readings and visited the Kimberley mines. His notebook remembers how poor Riley, twenty-five years earlier, made his fateful journey.

It was the 14th of July, 1896, a year to a day since they left Elmira, that they sailed by the steamer Norman for England, arriving at Southampton the 31st. It was from Southampton that they had sailed for America fourteen months before. They had completed the circuit of the globe.

It was July 14, 1896, exactly a year since they left Elmira, when they sailed to England on the steamer Norman, arriving in Southampton on the 31st. It was from Southampton that they had departed for America fourteen months earlier. They had completed their journey around the globe.





CXCIII. THE PASSING OF SUSY

It had been arranged that Katie Leary should bring Jean and Susy to England. It was expected that they would arrive soon, not later than the 12th, by which time the others would be established. The travelers proceeded immediately to London and engaged for the summer a house in Guildford, modest quarters, for they were still economizing, though Mark Twain had reason to hope that with the money already earned and the profits of the book he would write of his travels he could pay himself free. Altogether, the trip had been prosperous. Now that it was behind him, his health and spirits had improved. The outlook was brighter.

Katie Leary was supposed to bring Jean and Susy to England. They were expected to arrive soon, by the 12th at the latest, when the others would be settled in. The travelers went straight to London and rented a modest house in Guildford for the summer, as they were still trying to save money. However, Mark Twain was hopeful that with the money he had already made and the profits from the book he planned to write about his travels, he could pay himself back. Overall, the trip had gone well. Now that it was over, his health and spirits had improved. Things were looking up.

August 12th came, but it did not bring Katie and the children. A letter came instead. Clemens long afterward wrote:

August 12th arrived, but it didn’t bring Katie and the kids. Instead, a letter showed up. Clemens later wrote:

    It explained that Susy was slightly ill-nothing of consequence. But
    we were disquieted and began to cable for later news. This was
    Friday. All day no answer—and the ship to leave Southampton next
    day at noon. Clara and her mother began packing, to be ready in
    case the news should be bad. Finally came a cablegram saying, “Wait
    for cablegram in the morning.” This was not satisfactory—not
    reassuring. I cabled again, asking that the answer be sent to
    Southampton, for the day was now closing. I waited in the post-
    office that night till the doors were closed, toward midnight, in
    the hope that good news might still come, but there was no message.
    We sat silent at home till one in the morning waiting—waiting for
    we knew not what. Then we took the earlier morning train, and when
    we reached Southampton the message was there. It said the recovery
    would be long but certain. This was a great relief to me, but not
    to my wife. She was frightened. She and Clara went aboard the
    steamer at once and sailed for America, to nurse Susy. I remained
    behind to search for another and larger house in Guildford.

    That was the 15th of August, 1896. Three days later, when my wife
    and Clara were about half-way across the ocean, I was standing in
    our dining-room, thinking of nothing in particular, when a cablegram
    was put into my hand. It said, “Susy was peacefully released
    to-day.”
 
It explained that Susy was a little sick—nothing serious. But we were worried and started to ask for updates. This was Friday. All day there was no response—and the ship was scheduled to leave Southampton the next day at noon. Clara and her mom began packing, just in case the news was bad. Finally, a cablegram arrived saying, “Wait for a cablegram in the morning.” This was not reassuring. I sent another cable, asking for the answer to be sent to Southampton, as it was now getting late. I waited in the post office that night until closing time, around midnight, hoping good news might still arrive, but there was no message. We sat quietly at home until one in the morning, waiting—waiting for who knows what. Then we took the early morning train, and when we arrived in Southampton, the message was there. It said the recovery would be long but certain. This was a huge relief for me, but not for my wife. She was scared. She and Clara boarded the steamer right away and sailed for America to take care of Susy. I stayed behind to look for another, larger house in Guildford.

That was August 15, 1896. Three days later, when my wife and Clara were about halfway across the ocean, I was standing in our dining room, not thinking about anything in particular, when a cablegram was handed to me. It said, “Susy was peacefully released today.”

Some of those who in later years wondered at Mark Twain's occasional attitude of pessimism and bitterness toward all creation, when his natural instinct lay all the other way, may find here some reasons in his logic of gloom. For years he and his had been fighting various impending disasters. In the end he had torn his family apart and set out on a weary pilgrimage to pay, for long financial unwisdom, a heavy price—a penance in which all, without complaint, had joined. Now, just when it seemed about ended, when they were ready to unite and be happy once more, when he could hold up his head among his fellows—in this moment of supreme triumph had come the message that Susy's lovely and blameless life was ended. There are not many greater dramas in fiction or in history than this. The wonder is not that Mark Twain so often preached the doctrine of despair during his later life, but that he did not exemplify it—that he did not become a misanthrope in fact.

Some people who later wondered about Mark Twain's occasional pessimism and bitterness toward everything, despite his natural inclination being quite the opposite, may find some explanations in his bleak outlook. For years, he and his family had been battling various impending disasters. Ultimately, he had torn his family apart and embarked on a long, exhausting journey to pay a heavy price for past financial mistakes—a burden that everyone, without complaint, had taken on. Now, just when it seemed everything was about to be resolved, when they were ready to come together and be happy again, when he could hold his head up high among his peers—in this moment of ultimate triumph—came the news that Susy's beautiful and innocent life had ended. There aren't many greater dramas in fiction or history than this. It's not surprising that Mark Twain often preached despair in his later life, but rather remarkable that he didn’t embody it—that he didn’t become a true misanthrope.

Mark Twain's life had contained other tragedies, but no other that equaled this one. This time none of the elements were lacking—not the smallest detail. The dead girl had been his heart's pride; it was a year since he had seen her face, and now by this word he knew that he would never see it again. The blow had found him alone absolutely alone among strangers—those others—half-way across the ocean, drawing nearer and nearer to it, and he with no way to warn them, to prepare them, to comfort them.

Mark Twain's life had its share of tragedies, but none matched this one. This time, everything was present—not a single detail was missing. The deceased girl had been his pride and joy; it had been a year since he last saw her face, and now, with this news, he realized he'd never see it again. The blow hit him while he was completely alone among strangers—those other people—halfway across the ocean, getting closer and closer to it, and he had no way to warn them, prepare them, or comfort them.

Clemens sought no comfort for himself. Just as nearly forty years before he had writhed in self-accusation for the death of his younger brother, and as later he held himself to blame for the death of his infant son, so now he crucified himself as the slayer of Susy. To Mrs. Clemens he poured himself out in a letter in which he charged himself categorically as being wholly and solely responsible for the tragedy, detailing step by step with fearful reality his mistakes and weaknesses which had led to their downfall, the separation from Susy, and this final incredible disaster. Only a human being, he said, could have done these things.

Clemens didn't seek any comfort for himself. Just like almost forty years earlier when he tormented himself over his younger brother's death, and later when he blamed himself for the death of his infant son, he now punished himself for Susy's death. In a letter to Mrs. Clemens, he expressed that he was completely responsible for the tragedy, laying out in detail—with painful clarity—his mistakes and weaknesses that led to their downfall, the separation from Susy, and this final unimaginable disaster. He stated that only a human being could have done these things.

Susy Clemens had died in the old Hartford home. She had been well for a time at Quarry Farm, well and happy, but during the summer of '96 she had become restless, nervous, and unlike herself in many ways. Her health seemed to be gradually failing, and she renewed the old interest in mental science, always with the approval of her parents. Clemens had great faith in mind over matter, and Mrs. Clemens also believed that Susy's high-strung nature was especially calculated to receive benefit from a serene and confident mental attitude. From Bombay, in January, she wrote Mrs. Crane:

Susy Clemens had passed away in the old Hartford home. She had been doing well for a while at Quarry Farm, happy and healthy, but during the summer of '96, she became restless, anxious, and not quite herself in many ways. Her health seemed to be gradually declining, and she rekindled her old interest in mental science, always with her parents' support. Clemens had a strong belief in mind over matter, and Mrs. Clemens also thought that Susy's sensitive nature was particularly suited to benefit from a calm and positive mental attitude. From Bombay, in January, she wrote to Mrs. Crane:

I am very glad indeed that Susy has taken up Mental Science, and I do hope it may do her as much good as she hopes. Last winter we were so very anxious to have her get hold of it, and even felt at one time that we must go to America on purpose to have her have the treatment, so it all seems very fortunate that it should have come about as it has this winter.

I’m really glad that Susy has started studying Mental Science, and I truly hope it helps her as much as she expects. Last winter, we were really worried about her getting involved with it, and at one point, we even thought we might need to go to America just so she could get the treatment. So it feels very lucky that things have worked out this way this winter.

Just how much or how little Susy was helped by this treatment cannot be known. Like Stevenson, she had “a soul of flame in a body of gauze,” a body to be guarded through the spirit. She worked continuously at her singing and undoubtedly overdid herself. Early in the year she went over to Hartford to pay some good-by visit, remaining most of the time in the home of Charles Dudley Warner, working hard at her singing. Her health did not improve, and when Katie Leary went to Hartford to arrange for their departure she was startled at the change in her.

Just how much or how little Susy benefited from this treatment is unclear. Like Stevenson, she had “a soul of flame in a body of gauze,” a body that needed to be protected through the spirit. She dedicated herself tirelessly to her singing and definitely pushed herself too hard. Early in the year, she went to Hartford to say some goodbyes, spending most of her time at the home of Charles Dudley Warner while continuing to work hard on her singing. Her health didn’t get any better, and when Katie Leary traveled to Hartford to make arrangements for their departure, she was shocked by the change in Susy.

“Miss Susy; you are sick,” she said. “You must have the doctor come.”

“Miss Susy, you’re sick,” she said. “You need to have the doctor come.”

Susy refused at first, but she grew worse and the doctor was sent for. He thought her case not very serious—the result, he said, of overwork. He prescribed some soothing remedies, and advised that she be kept very quiet, away from company, and that she be taken to her own home, which was but a step away. It was then that the letter was written and the first cable sent to England. Mrs. Crane was summoned from Elmira, also Charles Langdon. Mr. Twichell was notified and came down from his summer place in the Adirondacks.

Susy initially refused, but her condition worsened, so the doctor was called in. He considered her case to be not very serious—he said it was just a result of overwork. He suggested some calming treatments and recommended that she be kept very quiet, away from visitors, and that she return to her own home, which was just a short distance away. It was then that the letter was written and the first cable was sent to England. Mrs. Crane was called from Elmira, along with Charles Langdon. Mr. Twichell was also notified and came down from his summer place in the Adirondacks.

Susy did not improve. She became rapidly worse, and a few days later the doctor pronounced her ailment meningitis. This was on the 15th of August—that hot, terrible August of 1896. Susy's fever increased and she wandered through the burning rooms in delirium and pain; then her sight left her, an effect of the disease. She lay down at last, and once, when Katie Leary was near her, she put her hands on Katie's face and said, “mama.” She did not speak after that, but sank into unconsciousness, and on the evening of Tuesday, August 18th, the flame went out forever.

Susy didn't get any better. She got worse quickly, and a few days later the doctor diagnosed her with meningitis. This was on August 15th—that hot, terrible August of 1896. Susy's fever rose, and she wandered through the sweltering rooms in a delirious state and pain; then her vision faded, a result of the illness. She finally lay down, and once, when Katie Leary was near her, she placed her hands on Katie's face and said, “mama.” She didn’t speak again but fell into unconsciousness, and on the evening of Tuesday, August 18th, the light went out forever.

To Twichell Clemens wrote of it:

To Twichell, Clemens wrote about it:

    Ah, well, Susy died at home. She had that privilege. Her dying
    eyes rested upon no thing that was strange to them, but only upon
    things which they had known & loved always & which had made her
    young years glad; & she had you & Sue & Katie & John & Ellen.
    This was happy fortune—I am thankful that it was vouchsafed to her.
    If she had died in another house—well, I think I could not have
    borne that. To us our house was not unsentient matter—it had a
    heart & a soul & eyes to see us with, & approvals & solicitudes &
    deep sympathies; it was of us, & we were in its confidence, & lived
    in its grace & in the peace of its benediction. We never came home
    from an absence that its face did not light up & speak out its
    eloquent welcome—& we could not enter it unmoved. And could we
    now? oh, now, in spirit we should enter it unshod.
Ah, well, Susy died at home. She had that privilege. Her dying eyes rested on nothing unfamiliar, only on things she had always known and loved, which had made her younger years happy; and she had you, Sue, Katie, John, and Ellen. This was a fortunate circumstance—I’m grateful that it was granted to her. If she had died in another house—well, I don’t think I could have handled that. To us, our house was more than just a structure—it had a heart and a soul, eyes to see us with, warmth and care, and a deep understanding; it was part of us, and we were in its trust, living in its grace and the peace of its blessing. We never returned home from being away without its face lighting up and expressing its heartfelt welcome—and we couldn't enter it without being moved. And could we now? Oh, now, in spirit, we would enter it barefoot.

A tugboat with Dr. Rice, Mr. Twichell, and other friends of the family went down the bay to meet the arriving vessel with Mrs. Clemens and Clara on board. It was night when the ship arrived, and they did not show themselves until morning; then at first to Clara. There had been little need to formulate a message—their presence there was enough—and when a moment later Clara returned to the stateroom her mother looked into her face and she also knew. Susy already had been taken to Elmira, and at half past ten that night Mrs. Clemens and Clara arrived there by the through train—the same train and in the same coach which they had taken one year and one month before on their journey westward around the world.

A tugboat with Dr. Rice, Mr. Twichell, and other family friends went down the bay to meet the incoming ship carrying Mrs. Clemens and Clara. It was nighttime when the ship docked, and they didn’t come out until morning; Clara was the first to see them. There wasn’t much need for words—their presence alone spoke volumes—and when Clara returned to the stateroom a moment later, her mother saw her expression and understood. Susy had already gone to Elmira, and at 10:30 that night, Mrs. Clemens and Clara arrived there on the express train—the same train and in the same car they had taken exactly one year and one month earlier on their journey westward around the world.

      And again Susy was there, not waving her welcome in the glare of the
      lights as she had waved her farewell to us thirteen months before, but
      lying white and fair in her coffin in the house where she was born.
    
      And once more, Susy was there, not welcoming us with a wave in the bright lights as she had when she said goodbye to us thirteen months earlier, but lying pale and beautiful in her coffin in the house where she was born.

They buried her with the Langdon relatives and the little brother, and ordered a headstone with some lines which they had found in Australia:

They buried her with the Langdon family and her little brother, and had a headstone made with some lines they had found in Australia:

           Warm summer sun shine kindly here;
           Warm southern wind blow softly here;
           Green sod above lie light, lie light
           Good night, dear heart, good night, good night.
—[These lines at first were generally attributed to Clemens himself.
When this was reported to him he ordered the name of the Australian
poet, Robert Richardson, cut beneath them. The word “southern” in the
original read “northern,” as in Australia, the warm wind is from the
north. Richardson died in England in 1901.]
           The warm summer sun shines gently here;  
           The warm southern wind blows softly here;  
           The green grass lies lightly above, lies lightly  
           Good night, dear heart, good night, good night.  
—[These lines were initially thought to be written by Clemens himself. When he learned this, he had the name of the Australian poet, Robert Richardson, placed beneath them. The word “southern” in the original was “northern,” because in Australia, the warm wind comes from the north. Richardson passed away in England in 1901.]




CXCIV. WINTER IN TEDWORTH SQUARE

Mrs. Clemens, Clara, and Jean, with Katie Leary, sailed for England without delay. Arriving there, they gave up the house in Guildford, and in a secluded corner of Chelsea, on the tiny and then almost unknown Tedworth Square (No. 23), they hid themselves away for the winter. They did not wish to be visited; they did not wish their whereabouts known except to a few of their closest friends. They wanted to be alone with their sorrow, and not a target for curious attention. Perhaps not a dozen people in London knew their address and the outside world was ignorant of it altogether. It was through this that a wild report started that Mark Twain's family had deserted him—that ill and in poverty he was laboring alone to pay his debts. This report—exploited in five-column head-lines by a hyper-hysterical paper of that period received wide attention.

Mrs. Clemens, Clara, Jean, and Katie Leary sailed to England right away. Once they arrived, they gave up their house in Guildford and settled in a quiet corner of Chelsea, at the small and then mostly unknown Tedworth Square (No. 23), where they secluded themselves for the winter. They didn't want visitors and kept their location a secret from all but a few close friends. They wanted to be alone with their grief, avoiding any curious attention. Probably no more than a dozen people in London knew their address, and the outside world had no idea where they were. Because of this, a wild rumor spread that Mark Twain's family had abandoned him—that he was sick and poor, struggling alone to pay off his debts. This rumor was sensationalized in five-column headlines by an overly dramatic newspaper of that time, attracting a lot of attention.

James Ross Clemens, of the St. Louis branch, a nephew of Frau von Versen, was in London just then, and wrote at once, through Chatto & Windus, begging Mark Twain to command his relative's purse. The reply to this kind offer was an invitation to tea, and “Young Doctor Jim,” as he was called, found his famous relative by no means abandoned or in want, but in pleasant quarters, with his family still loyal. The general impression survived, however, that Mark Twain was sorely pressed, and the New York Herald headed a public benefit fund for the payment of his debts. The Herald subscribed one thousand dollars on its own account, and Andrew Carnegie followed with another thousand, but the enterprise was barely under way when Clemens wrote a characteristic letter, in which he declared that while he would have welcomed the help offered, being weary of debt, his family did not wish him to accept and so long as he was able to take care of them through his own efforts.

James Ross Clemens, from the St. Louis branch and a nephew of Frau von Versen, was in London at that time and immediately wrote to Chatto & Windus, asking Mark Twain to access his relative's funds. The response to this generous offer was an invitation for tea, and “Young Doctor Jim,” as he was known, found his famous relative neither abandoned nor in need, but comfortably situated with his family still supportive. However, the general belief lingered that Mark Twain was struggling financially, leading the New York Herald to start a public benefit fund to help pay off his debts. The Herald contributed one thousand dollars itself, and Andrew Carnegie added another thousand, but just as the effort was getting underway, Clemens wrote a typical letter in which he stated that while he would have appreciated the offered help, being tired of debt, his family preferred that he not accept it as long as he was capable of supporting them on his own.

Meantime he was back into literary harness; a notebook entry for October 24, 1896, says:

Meantime, he was back to writing; a notebook entry for October 24, 1896, says:

“Wrote the fist chapter of the book to-day-'Around the World'.”

“Wrote the first chapter of the book today - 'Around the World'.”

He worked at it uninterruptedly, for in work there was respite, though his note-books show something of his mental torture, also his spiritual heresies. His series of mistakes and misfortunes, ending with the death of Susy, had tended to solidify his attitude of criticism toward things in general and the human race in particular.

He worked on it nonstop, because in work there was relief, even though his notebooks reflect some of his mental struggles and his spiritual doubts. His series of mistakes and misfortunes, culminating in Susy's death, had reinforced his critical attitude toward everything in general and humanity in particular.

“Man is the only animal that blushes, or that needs to,” was one of his maxims of this period, and in another place he sets down the myriad diseases which human flesh is heir to and his contempt for a creature subject to such afflictions and for a Providence that could invent them. Even Mrs. Clemens felt the general sorrow of the race. “Poor, poor human nature,” she wrote once during that long, gloomy winter.

“Man is the only animal that blushes, or that needs to,” was one of his key beliefs during this time, and in another place he lists the countless diseases that human beings are prone to and expresses his disdain for a creature that suffers from such ailments, as well as for a Providence that could create them. Even Mrs. Clemens shared the overall sadness of humanity. “Poor, poor human nature,” she wrote once during that long, dreary winter.

Many of Mark Twain's notes refer to Susy. In one he says:

Many of Mark Twain's notes mention Susy. In one, he says:

“I did not hear her glorious voice at its supremest—that was in Hartford a month or two before the end.”

"I didn't hear her amazing voice at its peak—that was in Hartford a month or two before the end."

Notes of heavy regret most of them are, and self-reproach and the hopelessness of it all. In one place he records her accomplishment of speech, adding:

Notes filled with deep regret, self-blame, and a sense of hopelessness. At one point, he writes about her achievement of speaking, adding:

“And I felt like saying 'you marvelous child,' but never said it; to my sorrow I remember it now. But I come of an undemonstrative race.”

“And I felt like saying 'you amazing kid,' but I never did; to my regret, I remember it now. But I come from a reserved family.”

He wrote to Twichell:

He messaged Twichell:

    But I have this consolation: that dull as I was I always knew enough
    to be proud when she commended me or my work—as proud as if Livy
    had done it herself—& I took it as the accolade from the hand of
    genius. I see now—as Livy always saw—that she had greatness in
    her, & that she herself was dimly conscious of it.

    And now she is dead—& I can never tell her.
    But I have this comfort: that as dull as I was, I always knew enough to feel proud when she praised me or my work—as proud as if Livy had done it herself—and I took it as a recognition from someone truly great. I realize now—as Livy always understood—that she had greatness within her, and that she was vaguely aware of it herself.

    And now she is gone—and I can never tell her.

And closing a letter to Howells:

And closing a letter to Howells:

    Good-by. Will healing ever come, or life have value again?

    And shall we see Susy? Without doubt! without a shadow of doubt if
    it can furnish opportunity to break our hearts again.
    Goodbye. Will healing ever happen, or will life have meaning again?

    And will we see Susy? Absolutely! Without a doubt, if it gives us the chance to break our hearts again.

On November 26th, Thanksgiving, occurs this note:

On November 26th, Thanksgiving, this note happens:

    “We did not celebrate it. Seven years ago Susy gave her play for
    the first time.”
 
    “We didn’t celebrate it. Seven years ago, Susy performed her play for the first time.”

And on Christmas:

And on Christmas Day:

    London, 11.30 Xmas morning. The Square & adjacent streets are not
    merely quiet, they are dead. There is not a sound. At intervals a
    Sunday-looking person passes along. The family have been to
    breakfast. We three sat & talked as usual, but the name of the day
    was not mentioned. It was in our minds, but we said nothing.
    London, 11:30 AM on Christmas morning. The Square and nearby streets aren't just quiet; they're completely empty. There's not a sound. Occasionally, someone dressed for Sunday strolls by. The family has already had breakfast. The three of us sat and talked like usual, but we didn't mention the name of the day. It was on our minds, but we said nothing.

And a little later:

And a bit later:

    Since bad luck struck us it is risky for people to have to do with
    us. Our cook's sweetheart was healthy. He is rushing for the grave
    now. Emily, one of the maids, has lost the sight of one eye and the
    other is in danger. Wallace carried up coal & blacked the boots two
    months—has suddenly gone to the hospital—pleurisy and a bad case.
    We began to allow ourselves to see a good deal of our friends, the
    Bigelows—straightway their baby sickened & died. Next Wilson got
    his skull fractured.

    January 23, 1897. I wish the Lord would disguise Himself in
    citizen's clothing & make a personal examination of the sufferings
    of the poor in London. He would be moved & would do something for
    them Himself.
Since bad luck hit us, it's risky for people to be involved with us. Our cook's boyfriend was healthy. Now he's racing towards the grave. Emily, one of the maids, has lost the sight in one eye and the other is at risk. Wallace carried up coal and polished boots for two months—now he’s suddenly in the hospital—pleurisy and a bad case of it. We started to spend more time with our friends, the Bigelows—right away their baby got sick and died. Next, Wilson ended up with a fractured skull.

January 23, 1897. I wish the Lord would disguise Himself in regular clothes and take a personal look at the suffering of the poor in London. He would be moved and would do something for them Himself.




CXCV. “PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS OF JOAN OF ARC”.

Meantime certain publishing events had occurred. During his long voyage a number of Mark Twain's articles had appeared in the magazines, among them “Mental Telegraphy Again,” in Harpers, and in the North American Review that scorching reply to Paul Bourget's reflections upon America. Clemens could criticize his own nation freely enough, but he would hardly be patient under the strictures of a Frenchman, especially upon American women.

Meanwhile, some notable publishing events had taken place. During his long voyage, several of Mark Twain's articles were published in magazines, including “Mental Telegraphy Again” in Harpers and a fiery response to Paul Bourget's comments about America in the North American Review. Clemens could freely critique his own country, but he was unlikely to tolerate the judgments of a Frenchman, especially regarding American women.

There had been book publication also during this period. The Harpers had issued an edition of 'Tom Sawyer Abroad', which included another Tom and Huck story 'Tom Sawyer, Detective', written in Paris, and the contents of the old White Elephant book.

There had been book publications during this time as well. The Harpers released an edition of 'Tom Sawyer Abroad', which included another story about Tom and Huck called 'Tom Sawyer, Detective', written in Paris, along with the content from the old White Elephant book.

But there had been a much more important book event. The chapters of his story of Joan having run their course in Harper's Magazine had been issued as a volume.

But there had been a much more significant book event. The chapters of his story about Joan, having completed their run in Harper's Magazine, had been published as a volume.

As already mentioned, Joan had been early recognized as Mark Twain's work, and it was now formally acknowledged as such on the title-page. It is not certain now that the anonymous beginning had been a good thing. Those who began reading it for its lofty charm, with the first hint of Mark Twain as the author became fearful of some joke or burlesque. Some who now promptly hastened to read it as Mark Twain's, were inclined to be disappointed at the very lack of these features. When the book itself appeared the general public, still doubtful as to its merits, gave it a somewhat dubious reception. The early sales were disappointing.

As mentioned earlier, Joan was recognized early on as Mark Twain's work, and it was now officially acknowledged as such on the title page. It's unclear now if the initial anonymity was beneficial. Readers who started it for its elevated charm became anxious at the first suggestion that Mark Twain was the author, fearing it might be a joke or satire. Those who eagerly jumped to read it as a Mark Twain book were often let down by its absence of those elements. When the book was finally released, the general public, still unsure of its quality, received it with skepticism. The initial sales were underwhelming.

Nor were the reviewers enthusiastic, as a rule. Perhaps they did not read it over-carefully, or perhaps they were swayed a good deal by a sort of general verdict that, in attempting 'Joan of Arc', Mark Twain had gone out of his proper field. Furthermore, there were a number of Joan books published just then, mainly sober, somber books, in which Joan was pictured properly enough as a saint, and never as anything else—never being permitted to smile or enjoy the lighter side of life, to be a human being, in fact, at all.

The reviewers weren't really enthusiastic, as a rule. Maybe they didn't read it closely, or perhaps they were influenced by a general opinion that, in trying to write 'Joan of Arc', Mark Twain had stepped outside his usual territory. On top of that, there were several books about Joan published around that time, mostly serious and heavy, where she was portrayed strictly as a saint and never anything else—never allowed to smile or enjoy the lighter side of life, basically not allowed to be a human being at all.

But this is just the very wonder of Mark Twain's Joan. She is a saint; she is rare, she is exquisite, she is all that is lovely, and she is a human being besides. Considered from every point of view, Joan of Arc is Mark Twain's supreme literary expression, the loftiest, the most delicate, the most luminous example of his work. It is so from the first word of its beginning, that wonderful “Translator's Preface,” to the last word of the last chapter, where he declares that the figure of Joan with the martyr's crown upon her head shall stand for patriotism through all time.

But this is the true wonder of Mark Twain's Joan. She is a saint; she is unique, she is beautiful, she is everything lovely, and she is a human being too. Viewed from every angle, Joan of Arc is Mark Twain's greatest literary achievement, the highest, the most delicate, the brightest example of his work. This is evident from the very first word of the introduction, that incredible “Translator's Preface,” to the final word of the last chapter, where he states that the image of Joan with the martyr's crown on her head will symbolize patriotism for all time.

The idyllic picture of Joan's childhood with her playmates around the fairy tree is so rare in its delicacy and reality that any attempt to recall it here would disturb its bloom. The little poem, “L'Arbre fee de Bourlemont,” Mark Twain's own composition, is a perfect note, and that curiously enough, for in versification he was not likely to be strong. Joan's girlhood, the picture of her father's humble cottage, the singing there by the wandering soldier of the great song of Roland which stirred her deepest soul with the love of France, Joan's heroism among her playmates, her wisdom, her spiritual ideals-are not these all reverently and nobly told, and with that touch of tenderness which only Mark Twain could give? And the story of her voices, and her march, and of her first appearance before the wavering king. And then the great coronation scene at Rheims, and the dramatic moment when Joan commands the march on Paris—the dragging of the hopeless trial, and that last, fearful day of execution, what can surpass these? Nor must we forget those charming, brighter moments where Joan is shown just as a human being, laughing until the tears run at the absurdities of the paladin or the simple home prattle of her aged father and uncle. Only here and there does one find a touch—and it is never more than that—of the forbidden thing, the burlesque note which was so likely to be Mark Twain's undoing.

The beautiful image of Joan's childhood with her friends around the fairy tree is so delicate and real that trying to recall it here would spoil its charm. The little poem, “L'Arbre fee de Bourlemont,” written by Mark Twain himself, hits the mark perfectly, which is surprising since he wasn't known for his poetry. Joan's girlhood, the picture of her father's modest cottage, the wandering soldier singing the great song of Roland that deeply inspired her love for France, Joan's bravery among her friends, her wisdom, her spiritual ideals—aren't these all told with reverence and nobility, along with the tenderness that only Mark Twain could provide? And then there's the story of her voices, her march, and her first appearance before the uncertain king. Plus, the grand coronation scene at Rheims, and the dramatic moment when Joan commands the march on Paris—the drawn-out trial, and that last, horrifying day of execution—what could be more impactful? We also shouldn't overlook those delightful, lighter moments where Joan is portrayed just as a regular person, laughing until tears stream down her face at the absurdities of the paladin or the simple chats with her elderly father and uncle. Only occasionally does one find a hint—merely a hint—of that forbidden element, the burlesque tone that was likely to be Mark Twain's downfall.

It seems incredible to-day that any reader, whatever his preconceived notions of the writer might have been, could have followed these chapters without realizing their majesty, and that this tale of Joan was a book such as had not before been written. Let any one who read it then and doubted, go back and consider it now. A surprise will await him, and it will be worth while. He will know the true personality of Joan of Arc more truly than ever before, and he will love her as the author loved her, for “the most innocent, the most lovely, the most adorable child the ages have produced.”

It seems unbelievable today that any reader, no matter what their initial thoughts about the writer were, could have gone through these chapters without recognizing their greatness, and that this story of Joan was unlike any book that had been written before. Anyone who read it back then and was skeptical should take a moment to reconsider it now. They will be in for a surprise, and it will be worthwhile. They'll understand Joan of Arc’s true character more clearly than ever and will come to love her just as the author did, for “the most innocent, the most lovely, the most adorable child the ages have produced.”

The tale is matchless in its workmanship. The quaint phrasing of the old Sieur de Conte is perfectly adapted to the subject-matter, and the lovely character of the old narrator himself is so perfectly maintained that we find ourselves all the time as in an atmosphere of consecration, and feel that somehow we are helping him to weave a garland to lay on Joan's tomb. Whatever the tale he tells, he is never more than a step away. We are within sound of his voice, we can touch his presence; we ride with him into battle; we laugh with him in the by-play and humors of warfare; we sit hushed at his side through the long, fearful days of the deadly trial, and when it is all ended it is to him that we turn to weep for Joan—with him only would we mingle our tears. It is all bathed in the atmosphere of romance, but it is the ultimate of realism, too; not hard, sordid, ugly realism, but noble, spiritual, divine realism, belonging to no particular class or school—a creation apart. Not all of Mark Twain's tales have been convincing, but there is no chapter of his Joan that we doubt. We believe it all happened—we know that it must have happened, for our faith in the Sieur de Conte never for an instant wavers.

The story is unparalleled in its craft. The charming phrasing of the old Sieur de Conte is perfectly suited to the subject, and the beautiful character of the old narrator is so consistently preserved that we feel surrounded by a sacred atmosphere, sensing that we are somehow helping him create a tribute to lay on Joan's grave. No matter what tale he tells, he is always close by. We can hear his voice, feel his presence; we ride with him into battle, laugh with him at the antics and humor of war, and sit quietly by his side during the long, harrowing days of the deadly trial. When it all comes to an end, he is the one we turn to, to grieve for Joan—our tears are meant to be shared with him alone. Everything is enveloped in a romantic atmosphere, yet it is also the height of realism; not harsh, grim, or ugly realism, but a noble, spiritual, divine realism that transcends any specific class or school—an original creation. Not all of Mark Twain's stories have been persuasive, but there isn’t a moment in his Joan that we doubt. We believe it all happened—we know it must have happened, for our faith in the Sieur de Conte never falters even for a second.

Aside from the personality of the book—though, in truth, one never is aside from it—the tale is a marvel in its pageantry, its splendid panorama and succession of stirring and stately scenes. The fight before Orleans, the taking of the Tourelles and of Jargeau, all the movement of that splendid march to Rheims, there are few better battle-pictures than these. Howells, always interested mainly in the realism of to-day, in his review hints at staginess in the action and setting and even in Joan herself. But Howells himself did not accept his earlier judgment as final. Five years later he wrote:

Aside from the book's personality—though, honestly, you can never really separate from it—the story is amazing in its visuals, its breathtaking scenes, and the series of dramatic and grand moments. The battle before Orleans, the capture of the Tourelles and Jargeau, and the entire impressive march to Rheims; there are few better depictions of battle than these. Howells, who was always primarily focused on today's realism, suggests some theatricality in the action, the setting, and even in Joan herself in his review. However, Howells didn’t stick to his earlier assessment. Five years later, he wrote:

“She is indeed realized to the modern sense as few figures of the past have been realized in fiction.”

"She is truly understood in the modern sense like few characters from the past have been in fiction."

As for the action, suppose we consider a brief bit of Joan's warfare. It is from the attack on the Tourelles:

As for the action, let’s take a quick look at Joan's battle. It’s from the attack on the Tourelles:

    Joan mounted her horse now with her staff about her, and when our
    people saw us coming they raised a great shout, and were at once
    eager for another assault on the boulevard. Joan rode straight to
    the foss where she had received her wound, and, standing there in
    the rain of bolts and arrows, she ordered the paladin to let her
    long standard blow free, and to note when its fringes should touch
    the fortress. Presently he said:

    “It touches.”

    “Now, then,” said Joan to the waiting battalions, “the place is
    yours—enter in! Bugles, sound the assault! Now, then—all
    together—go!”

    And go it was. You never saw anything like it. We swarmed up the
    ladders and over the battlements like a wave—and the place was our
    property. Why, one might live a thousand years and never see so
    gorgeous a thing as that again....

    We were busy and never heard the five cannon-shots fired, but they
    were fired a moment after Joan had ordered the assault; and so,
    while we were hammering and being hammered in the smaller fortress,
    the reserve on the Orleans side poured across the bridge and
    attacked the Tourelles from that side. A fireboat was brought down
    and moored under the drawbridge which connected the Tourelles with
    our boulevard; wherefore, when at last we drove our English ahead of
    us, and they tried to cross that drawbridge and join their friends
    in the Tourelles, the burning timbers gave way under them and
    emptied them in a mass into the river in their heavy armor—and a
    pitiful sight it was to see brave men die such a death as that.

    “God pity them!” said Joan, and wept to see that sorrowful
    spectacle. She said those gentle words and wept those compassionate
    tears, although one of those perishing men had grossly insulted her
    with a coarse name three days before when she had sent him a message
    asking him to surrender. That was their leader, Sir William
    Glasdale, a most valorous knight. He was clothed all in steel; so
    he plunged under the water like a lance, and of course came up no
    more.

    We soon patched a sort of bridge together and threw ourselves
    against the last stronghold of the English power that barred Orleans
    from friends and supplies. Before the sun was quite down Joan's
    forever memorable day's work was finished, her banner floated from
    the fortress of the Tourelles, her promise was fulfilled, she had
    raised the siege of Orleans!
    Joan climbed onto her horse, staff in hand, and when our people saw us approaching, they let out a loud cheer, eager for another attack on the boulevard. Joan rode straight to the ditch where she had been wounded, and, standing there while bolts and arrows rained down, she ordered the paladin to let her long banner fly free and to signal when its fringes touched the fortress. Soon he said:

    “It touches.”

    “Alright then,” Joan called to the waiting troops, “the place is yours—go in! Bugles, sound the assault! Now, everybody—let's go!”

    And go we did. You’ve never seen anything like it. We rushed up the ladders and over the battlements like a wave—and the place was ours. Honestly, one could live a thousand years and never witness something so magnificent again....

    We were so focused that we didn't hear the five cannon shots fired, but they were fired moments after Joan ordered the attack; and while we were busy fighting in the smaller fortress, the reserves from the Orleans side rushed across the bridge and attacked the Tourelles from that direction. A fireboat was brought down and tied up under the drawbridge that connected the Tourelles to our boulevard. So when we finally drove the English back, and they tried to cross that drawbridge to join their comrades in the Tourelles, the burning wood collapsed beneath them, sending them all into the river in their heavy armor—and it was a heart-wrenching sight to see brave men drown like that.

    “God have mercy on them!” Joan said, and she cried at the sight. She spoke those gentle words and shed those compassionate tears, even though one of those dying men had insulted her with a crude name three days earlier when she sent him a message asking him to surrender. That was their leader, Sir William Glasdale, a very brave knight. He was completely covered in armor, so he sank into the water like a spear and, of course, never resurfaced.

    We soon constructed a makeshift bridge and charged at the last stronghold of English power blocking Orleans from allies and supplies. Before the sun fully set, Joan's unforgettable day was done, her banner flew from the fortress of the Tourelles, her promise was fulfilled, and she had lifted the siege of Orleans!

England had resented the Yankee, but it welcomed Joan. Andrew Lang adored it, and some years later contemplated dedicating his own book, 'The Maid of France', to Mark Twain.'—[His letter proposing this dedication, received in 1909, appears to have been put aside and forgotten by Mr. Clemens, whose memory had not improved with failing health.]

England had held a grudge against the Yankees, but it embraced Joan. Andrew Lang loved it, and a few years later considered dedicating his own book, 'The Maid of France', to Mark Twain. [His letter proposing this dedication, received in 1909, seems to have been set aside and forgotten by Mr. Clemens, whose memory hadn't improved as his health declined.]

Brander Matthews ranks Huck Finn before Joan of Arc, but that is understandable. His literary culture and research enable him, in some measure, to comprehend the production of Joan; whereas to him Huck is pure magic. Huck is not altogether magic to those who know the West—the character of that section and the Mississippi River, especially of an older time—it is rather inspiration resulting from these existing things. Joan is a truer literary magic—the reconstruction of a far-vanished life and time. To reincarnate, as in a living body of the present, that marvelous child whose life was all that was pure and exalted and holy, is veritable necromancy and something more. It is the apotheosis of history.

Brander Matthews places Huck Finn above Joan of Arc, which makes sense. His literary background and research allow him to somewhat appreciate Joan's creation; however, to him, Huck is pure magic. Huck isn't entirely magical to those familiar with the West—the character of that region and the Mississippi River, especially in earlier times—it's more like inspiration drawn from these real elements. Joan embodies a deeper literary magic—the revival of a long-gone life and era. To bring back, as if in a living body today, that incredible child whose life was all that was pure, uplifting, and sacred, is true necromancy and even more than that. It's the elevation of history.

Throughout his life Joan of Arc had been Mark Twain's favorite character in the world's history. His love for her was a beautiful and a sacred thing. He adored young maidenhood always and nobility of character, and he was always the champion of the weak and the oppressed. The combination of these characteristics made him the ideal historian of an individuality and of a career like hers. It is fitting that in his old age (he was nearing sixty when it was finished) he should have written this marvelously beautiful thing. He could not have written it at an earlier time. It had taken him all these years to prepare for it; to become softened, to acquire the delicacy of expression, the refinement of feeling, necessary to the achievement.

Throughout his life, Joan of Arc was Mark Twain's favorite figure in history. His admiration for her was both beautiful and profound. He always cherished youthful innocence and noble character, and he consistently stood up for the weak and oppressed. These traits made him the perfect historian for someone with her individuality and remarkable life. It's fitting that in his old age (he was approaching sixty when he completed it), he wrote this incredibly beautiful work. He wouldn't have been able to do it earlier; it took him all those years to prepare, to gain the sensitivity, elegance of expression, and emotional depth necessary for such a creation.

It was the only book of all he had written that Mark Twain considered worthy of this dedication:

It was the only book of all he had written that Mark Twain thought was worthy of this dedication:

            1870     To MY WIFE        1895
                  OLIVIA LANGDON CLEMENS
                      THIS BOOK

    is tendered on our wedding anniversary in grateful recognition
    of her twenty-five years of valued service as my literary
    adviser and editor.
                                THE AUTHOR
            1870     To MY WIFE        1895
                  OLIVIA LANGDON CLEMENS
                      THIS BOOK

    is dedicated on our wedding anniversary in appreciation
    of her twenty-five years of invaluable support as my literary
    advisor and editor.
                                THE AUTHOR

The Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc was a book not understood in the beginning, but to-day the public, that always renders justice in the end, has reversed its earlier verdict. The demand for Joan has multiplied many fold and it continues to multiply with every year. Its author lived long enough to see this change and to be comforted by it, for though the creative enthusiasm in his other books soon passed, his glory in the tale of Joan never died. On his seventy-third birthday, when all of his important books were far behind him, and he could judge them without prejudice, he wrote as his final verdict:

The Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc was a book that wasn't understood at first, but today the public, which always eventually delivers justice, has changed its initial opinion. The demand for Joan has skyrocketed and continues to grow every year. The author lived long enough to witness this shift and found comfort in it, because while the excitement for his other works faded, his fame from the story of Joan never faded. On his seventy-third birthday, when all his major works were behind him, and he could evaluate them without bias, he wrote his final judgment:

                            Nov. 30, 1908
Nov. 30, 1908

I like the Joan of Arc best of all my books; & it is the best; I know it perfectly well. And besides, it furnished me seven times the pleasure afforded me by any of the others: 12 years of preparation & a years of writing. The others needed no preparation, & got none.

I like the Joan of Arc the most out of all my books, and it truly is the best; I know that for sure. Plus, it brought me seven times the joy of any of the others: 12 years of prep and a year of writing. The others didn’t require any preparation, and they didn’t get any.

                            MARK TWAIN.
Mark Twain.




CXCVI. MR. ROGERS AND HELEN KELLER

It was during the winter of '96, in London, that Clemens took an active interest in the education of Helen Keller and enlisted the most valuable adherent in that cause, that is to say, Henry H. Rogers. It was to Mrs. Rogers that he wrote, heading his letter:

It was during the winter of '96, in London, that Clemens became actively involved in the education of Helen Keller and enlisted the most valuable supporter in that cause, namely, Henry H. Rogers. He addressed his letter to Mrs. Rogers, heading it:

           For & in behalf
              of Helen Keller,
                  Stone blind & deaf,
                     & formerly dumb.

    DEAR MRS. ROGERS,—Experience has convinced me that when one
    wished to set a hard-worked man at something which he mightn't
    prefer to be bothered with it is best to move upon him behind his
    wife. If she can't convince him it isn't worth while for other
    people to try.

    Mr. Rogers will remember our visit with that astonishing girl at
    Lawrence Hutton's house when she was fourteen years old. Last July,
    in Boston, when she was 16 she underwent the Harvard examination for
    admission to Radcliffe College. She passed without a single
    condition. She was allowed only the same amount of time that is
    granted to other applicants, & this was shortened in her case by the
    fact that the question-papers had to be read to her. Yet she scored
    an average of 90, as against an average of 78 on the part of the
    other applicants.

    It won't do for America to allow this marvelous child to retire from
    her studies because of poverty. If she can go on with them she will
    make a fame that will endure in history for centuries. Along her
    special lines she is the most extraordinary product of all the ages.

    There is danger that she must retire from the struggle for a college
    degree for lack of support for herself & for Miss Sullivan (the
    teacher who has been with her from the start—Mr. Rogers will
    remember her). Mrs. Hutton writes to ask me to interest rich
    Englishmen in her case, & I would gladly try, but my secluded life
    will not permit it. I see nobody. Nobody knows my address.
    Nothing but the strictest hiding can enable me to write my book in
    time.

    So I thought of this scheme: Beg you to lay siege to your husband &
    get him to interest himself and Messrs. John D. & William
    Rockefeller & the other Standard Oil chiefs in Helen's case; get
    them to subscribe an annual aggregate of six or seven hundred or a
    thousand dollars—& agree to continue this for three or four years,
    until she has completed her college course. I'm not trying to limit
    their generosity—indeed no; they may pile that Standard Oil Helen
    Keller College Fund as high as they please; they have my consent.

    Mrs. Hutton's idea is to raise a permanent fund, the interest upon
    which shall support Helen & her teacher & put them out of the fear
    of want. I sha'n't say a word against it, but she will find it a
    difficult & disheartening job, & meanwhile what is to become of that
    miraculous girl?

    No, for immediate and sound effectiveness, the thing is for you to
    plead with Mr. Rogers for this hampered wonder of your sex, & send
    him clothed with plenary powers to plead with the other chiefs—they
    have spent mountains of money upon the worthiest benevolences, & I
    think that the same spirit which moved them to put their hands down
    through their hearts into their pockets in those cases will answer
    “Here!” when its name is called in this one.

    There—I don't need to apologize to you or to H. H. for this appeal
    that I am making; I know you too well for that:

    Good-by, with love to all of you,
                            S. L. CLEMENS.
           For & in behalf
              of Helen Keller,
                  Stone blind & deaf,
                     & formerly dumb.

    DEAR MRS. ROGERS,—I've learned that if someone wants to get a hard-working man to do something he may not want to deal with, it's best to approach him through his wife. If she can't convince him, it's probably not worth trying for anyone else.

    Mr. Rogers will remember our visit with that amazing girl at Lawrence Hutton's house when she was fourteen. Last July, in Boston, when she was 16, she took the Harvard entrance exam for Radcliffe College. She passed without any conditions. She was given the same amount of time as other applicants, which was even shorter for her since the questions had to be read aloud to her. Still, she achieved an average score of 90, while the other applicants averaged 78.

    America cannot allow this incredible young woman to stop her education because of financial struggles. If she can continue her studies, she will earn a reputation that will last in history for centuries. In her unique area, she is the most remarkable individual of all time.

    There is a risk that she may have to withdraw from her pursuit of a college degree due to insufficient support for herself and Miss Sullivan (the teacher who has been with her since the beginning—Mr. Rogers will remember her). Mrs. Hutton has asked me to engage wealthy Englishmen in her case, and I would be happy to try, but my isolated life doesn't allow it. I see no one. No one knows where to find me. Only the strictest seclusion enables me to write my book in time.

    So, I thought of this plan: I urge you to persuade your husband to get involved and encourage John D. & William Rockefeller and the other Standard Oil leaders to support Helen's case; get them to commit to an annual total of six or seven hundred or a thousand dollars—& agree to maintain this support for three or four years, until she finishes her college education. I'm not trying to limit their generosity—they can contribute as much as they want to the Standard Oil Helen Keller College Fund; they have my approval.

    Mrs. Hutton's idea is to create a permanent fund, the interest from which will provide for Helen and her teacher and ensure they don't have to worry about finances. I won’t criticize that plan, but she will find it a challenging and discouraging task, and in the meantime, what will happen to that extraordinary girl?

    No, for immediate and effective action, the best course is for you to appeal to Mr. Rogers on behalf of this remarkable woman and send him with full authority to speak with the other leaders—they have invested heavily in worthy causes, and I believe that the same spirit which led them to reach into their pockets for those efforts will respond positively when called upon for this one.

    There—I don't need to apologize to you or to H. H. for this request I'm making; I know you too well for that.

    Good-bye, with love to all of you,  
                            S. L. CLEMENS.

The result of this letter was that Mr. Rogers personally took charge of Helen Keller's fortunes, and out of his own means made it possible for her to continue her education and to achieve for herself the enduring fame which Mark Twain had foreseen.

The outcome of this letter was that Mr. Rogers personally took charge of Helen Keller's future and, using his own resources, made it possible for her to continue her education and achieve the lasting fame that Mark Twain had predicted.

Mr. Rogers wrote that, by a curious coincidence, a letter had come to him from Mrs. Hutton on the same morning that Mrs. Rogers had received hers from Tedworth Square. Clemens sent grateful acknowledgments to Mrs. Rogers.

Mr. Rogers wrote that, by a strange coincidence, he received a letter from Mrs. Hutton on the same morning that Mrs. Rogers got hers from Tedworth Square. Clemens sent his thanks to Mrs. Rogers.

    DEAR MRS. ROGERS,—It is superb! And I am beyond measure grateful
    to you both. I knew you would be interested in that wonderful girl,
    & that Mr. Rogers was already interested in her & touched by her; &
    I was sure that if nobody else helped her you two would; but you
    have gone far & away beyond the sum I expected—may your lines fall
    in pleasant places here, & Hereafter for it!

    The Huttons are as glad & grateful as they can be, & I am glad for
    their sakes as well as for Helen's.

    I want to thank Mr. Rogers for crucifying himself on the same old
    cross between Bliss & Harper; & goodness knows I hope he will come
    to enjoy it above all other dissipations yet, seeing that it has
    about it the elements of stability & permanency. However, at any
    time that he says sign we're going to do it.

                     Ever sincerely yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.
DEAR MRS. ROGERS,—It's amazing! I can't thank you both enough. I knew you would care about that wonderful girl, & that Mr. Rogers was already interested in her & touched by her; & I was sure that if no one else helped her, you two would; but you have gone way beyond what I expected—may your paths be filled with joy here, & in the future for it!

The Huttons are as happy & grateful as they can be, & I’m happy for them as well as for Helen.

I want to thank Mr. Rogers for putting himself through the same old struggle between Bliss & Harper; & goodness knows I hope he will come to enjoy it more than any other distraction, since it has elements of stability & permanence. However, anytime he says the word, we're ready to go for it.

                     Ever sincerely yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.




CXCVII. FINISHING THE BOOK OF TRAVEL.

One reading the Equator book to-day, and knowing the circumstances under which it was written, might be puzzled to reconcile the secluded household and its atmosphere of sorrow with certain gaieties of the subject matter. The author himself wondered at it, and to Howells wrote:

One reading the Equator book today, and knowing the circumstances under which it was written, might be confused trying to align the isolated household and its sorrowful vibe with some of the lighthearted topics. The author himself was surprised by it and wrote to Howells:

    I don't mean that I am miserable; no-worse than that—indifferent.
    Indifferent to nearly everything but work. I like that; I enjoy it,
    & stick to it. I do it without purpose & without ambition; merely
    for the love of it. Indeed, I am a mud-image; & it puzzles me to
    know what it is in me that writes & has comedy fancies & finds
    pleasure in phrasing them. It is the law of our nature, of course,
    or it wouldn't happen; the thing in me forgets the presence of the
    mud-image, goes its own way wholly unconscious of it & apparently of
    no kinship with it.
    I don't mean to say I'm miserable; it’s worse than that—I'm indifferent. 
    Indifferent to almost everything except work. I like it; I enjoy it, 
    and I stick with it. I do it without any purpose or ambition; just 
    for the love of it. Honestly, I feel like a mud-image; and I find it 
    puzzling to understand why I have the ability to write, to have comedic 
    ideas, and to enjoy putting them into words. It's just part of our nature, 
    obviously, or it wouldn't happen; something inside me forgets about the 
    mud-image, goes its own way completely unaware of it, and seems to have 
    no connection to it.

He saw little company. Now and, then a good friend, J.Y.W. MacAlister, came in for a smoke with him. Once Clemens sent this line:

He didn't socialize much. Every now and then, a good friend, J.Y.W. MacAlister, would drop by for a smoke with him. Once, Clemens sent this message:

    You speak a language which I understand. I would like to see you.
    Could you come and smoke some manilas; I would, of course, say dine,
    but my family are hermits & cannot see any one, but I would have a
    fire in my study, & if you came at any time after your dinner that
    might be most convenient for you you would find me & a welcome.
    You speak a language I get. I’d love to see you. 
    Could you come and smoke some cigars? I would, of course, say to have dinner, 
    but my family are hermits and can’t see anyone. Still, I’d have a fire in my study, 
    and if you came by anytime after your dinner that worked for you, 
    you’d find me here and a warm welcome waiting.

Clemens occasionally went out to dinner, but very privately. He dined with Bram Stoker, who invited Anthony Hope and one or two others, and with the Chattos and Mr. Percy Spalding; also with Andrew Lang, who wrote, “Your old friend, Lord Lome, wants to see you again”; with the Henry M. Stanleys and Poultney Bigelow, and with Francis H. Skrine, a government official he had met in India. But in all such affairs he was protected from strangers and his address was kept a secret from the public. Finally, the new-found cousin, Dr. Jim Clemens, fell ill, and the newspapers had it presently that Mark Twain was lying at the point of death. A reporter ferreted him out and appeared at Tedworth Square with cabled instructions from his paper. He was a young man, and innocently enough exhibited his credentials. His orders read:

Clemens sometimes went out to dinner, but very discreetly. He dined with Bram Stoker, who invited Anthony Hope and a couple of others, along with the Chattos and Mr. Percy Spalding; he also had dinners with Andrew Lang, who wrote, “Your old friend, Lord Lome, wants to see you again”; with Henry M. Stanleys and Poultney Bigelow, and with Francis H. Skrine, a government official he met in India. But in all these situations, he was shielded from strangers, and his address was kept a secret from the public. Eventually, his newfound cousin, Dr. Jim Clemens, became ill, and the newspapers soon reported that Mark Twain was on the verge of death. A reporter hunted him down and showed up at Tedworth Square with cabled instructions from his newspaper. He was a young guy and naively presented his credentials. His orders read:

“If Mark Twain very ill, five hundred words. If dead, send one thousand.”

“If Mark Twain is very ill, write five hundred words. If he’s dead, write one thousand.”

Clemens smiled grimly as he handed back the cable.

Clemens smiled tightly as he returned the cable.

“You don't need as much as that,” he said. “Just say the report of my death has been grossly exaggerated.”

"You don't need that much," he said. "Just say the report of my death has been seriously overstated."

The young man went away quite seriously, and it was not until he was nearly to his office that he saw the joke. Then, of course, it was flashed all over the world.

The young man left in a serious mood, and it wasn't until he was almost at his office that he realized the joke. Then, of course, it was shared everywhere.

Clemens kept grinding steadily at the book, for it was to be a very large volume—larger than he had ever written before. To MacAlister, April 6, 1897, he wrote, replying to some invitation:

Clemens kept working diligently on the book, as it was going to be a very large volume—larger than anything he had ever written before. To MacAlister, April 6, 1897, he wrote, replying to some invitation:

    Ah, but I mustn't stir from my desk before night now when the
    publisher is hurrying me & I am almost through. I am up at work
    now—4 o'clock in the morning-and a few more spurts will pull me
    through. You come down here & smoke; that is better than tempting a
    working-man to strike & go to tea.

    And it would move me too deeply to see Miss Corelli. When I saw her
    last it was on the street in Homburg, & Susy was walking with me.
    Ah, but I shouldn’t leave my desk before night now that the publisher is rushing me, and I’m almost done. I’m working right now—4 o’clock in the morning—and a few more pushes will get me through. You come down here and smoke; that’s better than tempting a working man to quit and go have tea.

    And it would touch me too much to see Miss Corelli. The last time I saw her was on the street in Homburg, and Susy was walking with me.

On April 13th he makes a note-book entry: “I finished my book to-day,” and on the 15th he wrote MacAlister, inclosing some bits of manuscript:

On April 13th, he made a note in his notebook: “I finished my book today,” and on the 15th, he wrote to MacAlister, including some pieces of manuscript:

    I finished my book yesterday, and the madam edited this stuff out of
    it—on the ground that the first part is not delicate & the last
    part is indelicate. Now, there's a nice distinction for you—&
    correctly stated, too, & perfectly true.
    I finished my book yesterday, and the lady cut this stuff out of it—claiming that the first part is not sensitive & the last part is inappropriate. Now, that's an interesting distinction for you—& accurately stated, too, & absolutely true.

It may interest the reader to consider briefly the manner in which Mark Twain's “editor” dealt with his manuscript, and a few pages of this particular book remain as examples. That he was not always entirely tractable, or at least submissive, but that he did yield, and graciously, is clearly shown.

It might be interesting for the reader to take a moment to think about how Mark Twain's "editor" handled his manuscript, and a few pages from this specific book still serve as examples. It's clear that he wasn't always completely agreeable, or at least compliant, but he did give in, and graciously so.

In one of her comments Mrs. Clemens wrote:

In one of her comments, Mrs. Clemens wrote:

    Page 597. I hate to say it, but it seems to me that you go too
    minutely into particulars in describing the feats of the
    aboriginals. I felt it in the boomerang-throwing.
    Page 597. I hate to say it, but it seems like you go too in-depth in describing the skills of the indigenous people. I noticed it in the boomerang-throwing.

And Clemens just below has written:

And Clemens just below has written:

    Boomerang has been furnished with a special train—that is, I've
    turned it into “Appendix.” Will that answer?

    Page 1002. I don't like the “shady-principled cat that has a family
    in every port.”

    Then I'll modify him just a little.

    Page 1020. 9th line from the top. I think some other word would be
    better than “stench.” You have used that pretty often.

    But can't I get it in anywhere? You've knocked it out every time.
    Out it goes again. And yet “stench” is a noble, good word.

    Page 1038. I hate to have your father pictured as lashing a slave
    boy.

    It's out, and my father is whitewashed.

    Page 1050. 2d line from the bottom. Change breech-clout. It's a
    word that you love and I abominate. I would take that and “offal”
     out of the language.

    You are steadily weakening the English tongue, Livy.

    Page 1095. Perhaps you don't care, but whoever told you that the
    Prince's green stones were rubies told an untruth. They were superb
    emeralds. Those strings of pearls and emeralds were famous all over
    Bombay.

    All right, I'll make them emeralds, but it loses force. Green
    rubies is a fresh thing. And besides it was one of the Prince's own
    staff liars that told me.
    Boomerang has been fitted with a special train—that is, I’ve turned it into “Appendix.” Will that work?

    Page 1002. I don’t like the “shady cat that has a family in every port.”

    Then I’ll change him a bit.

    Page 1020. 9th line from the top. I think another word would fit better than “stench.” You’ve used that one quite a bit.

    But can’t I sneak it in somewhere? You’ve removed it every time. Out it goes again. And yet “stench” is a noble, good word.

    Page 1038. I really don’t like your father being portrayed as whipping a slave boy.

    It’s out, and my father is cleaned up.

    Page 1050. 2nd line from the bottom. Change breech-clout. It’s a word you love and I can’t stand. I’d get rid of that and “offal” entirely.

    You are steadily weakening the English language, Livy.

    Page 1095. Maybe you don’t care, but whoever told you that the Prince’s green stones were rubies was lying. They were magnificent emeralds. Those strings of pearls and emeralds were famous all over Bombay.

    Fine, I’ll make them emeralds, but it loses impact. Green rubies is something new. And besides, it was one of the Prince’s own staff liars who told me.

That the book was not quite done, even after the triumphant entry of April 13th, is shown by another note which followed something more than a month later:

That the book wasn't completely finished, even after the successful release on April 13th, is evident from another note that came more than a month later:

    May 18, 1897. Finished the book again—addition of 30,000 words.
    May 18, 1897. I finished the book again—added 30,000 words.

And to MacAlister he wrote:

And he wrote to MacAlister:

    I have finished the book at last—and finished it for good this
    time. Now I am ready for dissipation with a good conscience. What
    night will you come down & smoke?
    I’ve finally finished the book—and this time, I’m done for good. Now I’m ready to relax without any guilt. What night are you coming down to smoke?

His book finished, Clemens went out rather more freely, and one evening allowed MacAlister to take him around to the Savage Club. There happened to be a majority of the club committee present, and on motion Mark Twain was elected an honorary life member. There were but three others on whom this distinction had been conferred—Stanley, Nansen, and the Prince of Wales. When they told Mark Twain this he said:

His book completed, Clemens started going out more often and one evening let MacAlister take him to the Savage Club. A majority of the club committee happened to be there, and on a motion, Mark Twain was made an honorary life member. Only three others had received this honor—Stanley, Nansen, and the Prince of Wales. When they told Mark Twain this, he said:

“Well, it must make the Prince feel mighty fine.”—[In a volume of Savage Club anecdotes the date of Mark Twain's election to honorary membership is given as 1899. Clemens's notebook gives it in 1897.]

“Well, it must make the Prince feel really good.” —[In a collection of Savage Club stories, Mark Twain's honorary membership is recorded as having started in 1899. Clemens's notebook states it as 1897.]

He did not intend to rest; in another entry we find:

He didn’t plan to take a break; in another entry we find:

    May 23, 1897. Wrote first chapter of above story to-day.
    May 23, 1897. I wrote the first chapter of the story today.

The “above story” is a synopsis of a tale which he tried then and later in various forms—a tale based on a scientific idea that one may dream an episode covering a period of years in minute detail in what, by our reckoning, may be no more than a few brief seconds. In this particular form of the story a man sits down to write some memories and falls into a doze. The smell of his cigarette smoke causes him to dream of the burning of his home, the destruction of his family, and of a long period of years following. Awakening a few seconds later, and confronted by his wife and children, he refuses to believe in their reality, maintaining that this condition, and not the other, is the dream. Clemens tried the psychological literary experiment in as many as three different ways during the next two or three years, and each at considerable length; but he developed none of them to his satisfaction, or at least he brought none of them to conclusion. Perhaps the most weird of these attempts, and the most intensely interesting, so long as the verisimilitude is maintained, is a dream adventure in a drop of water which, through an incredible human reduction to microbic, even atomic, proportions, has become a vast tempestuous sea. Mark Twain had the imagination for these undertakings and the literary workmanship, lacking only a definite plan for development of his tale—a lack which had brought so many of his literary ventures to the rocks.

The “above story” is a summary of a tale he attempted in various forms—one based on the scientific idea that someone can dream an event that spans years in intricate detail during what, by our measure, could be just a few seconds. In this version of the story, a man sits down to write some memories and drifts off. The smell of his cigarette smoke triggers a dream about the fire that destroyed his home and family, along with the many years that followed. When he wakes up a few seconds later, faced with his wife and children, he refuses to accept their reality, insisting that this situation, not the other, is the dream. Clemens experimented with this psychological concept in three different ways over the next two or three years, each time at considerable length; however, he was never satisfied with any of them, nor did he finish any. Perhaps the strangest and most fascinating of these attempts, as long as it remains believable, is a dream adventure set in a droplet of water that, through an astonishing reduction to microscopic and even atomic sizes, becomes a vast, turbulent sea. Mark Twain had the creativity for these projects and the literary skill but lacked a clear plan for developing his story—a shortcoming that had caused many of his literary efforts to fail.





CXCVIII. A SUMMER IN SWITZERLAND

The Queen's Jubilee came along—June 22, 1897, being the day chosen to celebrate the sixty-year reign. Clemens had been asked to write about it for the American papers, and he did so after his own ideas, illustrating some of his material with pictures of his own selection. The selections were made from various fashion-plates, which gave him a chance to pick the kind of a prince or princess or other royal figure that he thought fitted his description without any handicap upon his imagination. Under his portrait of Henry V. (a very correctly dressed person in top hat and overcoat) he wrote:

The Queen's Jubilee was celebrated on June 22, 1897, marking the sixty-year reign. Clemens was asked to write about it for American newspapers, and he did so according to his own perspective, illustrating some of his content with images he personally chose. The images were picked from various fashion plates, allowing him to select the type of prince, princess, or other royal figure that he believed matched his description without any limitations on his imagination. Below his portrait of Henry V. (a very properly dressed figure in a top hat and overcoat), he wrote:

    In the original the King has a crown on. That is no kind of a thing
    for the King to wear when he has come home on business. He ought to
    wear something he can collect taxes in. You will find this
    representation of Henry V. active, full of feeling, full of
    sublimity. I have pictured him looking out over the battle of
    Agincourt and studying up where to begin.
    In the original, the King is wearing a crown. That’s not really appropriate for him to wear when he’s home for business. He should be dressed in something suitable for collecting taxes. You’ll see this portrayal of Henry V as dynamic, passionate, and grand. I’ve depicted him gazing over the battlefield at Agincourt, figuring out where to start.

Mark Twain's account of the Jubilee probably satisfied most readers; but James Tufts, then managing editor of the San Francisco Examiner, had a rather matter-of-fact Englishman on the staff, who, after reading the report, said:

Mark Twain's account of the Jubilee probably pleased most readers; however, James Tufts, who was then the managing editor of the San Francisco Examiner, had a rather straightforward Englishman on the staff. After reading the report, he said:

“Well, Jim Tufts, I hope you are satisfied with that Mark Twain cable.”

“Well, Jim Tufts, I hope you’re happy with that Mark Twain cable.”

“Why, yes,” said Tufts; “aren't you?”

“Of course,” said Tufts; “aren't you?”

“I should say not. Just look what he says about the number of soldiers. He says, 'I never saw so many soldiers anywhere except on the stage of a theater.' Why, Tufts, don't you know that the soldiers in the theater are the same old soldiers marching around and around? There aren't more than a hundred soldiers in the biggest army ever put on the stage.”

“I definitely wouldn't say that. Just check out what he says about the number of soldiers. He says, 'I’ve never seen so many soldiers anywhere except on a theater stage.' Seriously, Tufts, don’t you know that the soldiers on stage are just the same few soldiers marching in circles? There aren't more than a hundred soldiers in the biggest army ever portrayed on stage.”

It was decided to vacate the house in Tedworth Square and go to Switzerland for the summer. Mrs. Crane and Charles Langdon's daughter, Julia, joined them early in July, and they set out for Switzerland a few days later. Just before leaving, Clemens received an offer from Pond of fifty thousand dollars for one hundred and twenty-five nights on the platform in America. It was too great a temptation to resist at once, and they took it under advisement. Clemens was willing to accept, but Mrs. Clemens opposed the plan. She thought his health no longer equal to steady travel. She believed that with continued economy they would be able to manage their problem without this sum. In the end the offer was declined.

They decided to leave the house in Tedworth Square and head to Switzerland for the summer. Mrs. Crane and Charles Langdon's daughter, Julia, joined them early in July, and they set off for Switzerland a few days later. Just before they left, Clemens got an offer from Pond for fifty thousand dollars for one hundred and twenty-five performances in America. It was too tempting to ignore, and they considered it carefully. Clemens was ready to accept, but Mrs. Clemens was against the plan. She felt that his health couldn't handle constant travel anymore. She believed that with some frugality, they could solve their financial issues without that money. In the end, they turned down the offer.

They journeyed to Switzerland by way of Holland and Germany, the general destination being Lucerne. They did not remain there, however. They found a pretty little village farther up the lake—Weggis, at the foot of the Rigi—where, in the Villa Buhlegg, they arranged for the summer at very moderate rates indeed. Weggis is a beautiful spot, looking across the blue water to Mount Pilatus, the lake shore dotted with white villages. Down by the water, but a few yards from the cottage—for it was scarcely a villa except by courtesy—there was a little inclosure, and a bench under a large tree, a quiet spot where Clemens often sat to rest and smoke. The fact is remembered there to-day, and recorded. A small tablet has engraved upon it “Mark Twain Ruhe.” Farther along the shore he discovered a neat, white cottage were some kindly working-people agreed to rent him an upper room for a study. It was a sunny room with windows looking out upon the lake, and he worked there steadily. To Twichell he wrote:

They traveled to Switzerland, passing through Holland and Germany, with their main destination being Lucerne. However, they didn't stay there long. They found a charming little village further up the lake—Weggis, at the base of Rigi—where they secured a summer rental in the Villa Buhlegg for very reasonable prices. Weggis is a stunning location, overlooking the blue water towards Mount Pilatus, with the lakefront dotted with white villages. Just a few yards from the cottage—barely a villa except by name—there was a small enclosure and a bench under a large tree, a peaceful place where Clemens often sat to relax and smoke. This is still remembered and noted today, with a small plaque engraved with “Mark Twain Ruhe.” Further along the shore, he found a tidy white cottage where some friendly workers agreed to rent him an upper room for a study. It was a sunny room with windows facing the lake, and he worked there consistently. He wrote to Twichell:

This is the charmingest place we have ever lived in for repose and restfulness, superb scenery whose beauty undergoes a perpetual change from one miracle to another, yet never runs short of fresh surprises and new inventions. We shall always come here for the summers if we can.

This is the most charming place we have ever lived in for relaxation and calm, with stunning scenery that continually changes from one amazing sight to another, yet always offers new surprises and fresh experiences. We will always come here for the summers if we can.

The others have climbed the Rigi, he says, and he expects to some day if Twichell will come and climb it with him. They had climbed it together during that summer vagabondage, nineteen years before.

The others have climbed the Rigi, he says, and he hopes to do it one day if Twichell will join him. They climbed it together during that summer wanderlust, nineteen years ago.

He was full of enthusiasm over his work. To F. H. Skrine, in London, he wrote that he had four or five books all going at once, and his note-book contains two or three pages merely of titles of the stories he proposed to write.

He was really excited about his work. He wrote to F. H. Skrine in London that he had four or five books all in progress at the same time, and his notebook has two or three pages just filled with titles of the stories he planned to write.

But of the books begun that summer at Weggis none appears to have been completed. There still exists a bulky, half-finished manuscript about Tom and Huck, most of which was doubtless written at this time, and there is the tale already mentioned, the “dream” story; and another tale with a plot of intricate psychology and crime; still another with the burning title of “Hell-Fire Hotchkiss”—a story of Hannibal life—and some short stories. Clemens appeared to be at this time out of tune with fiction. Perhaps his long book of travel had disqualified his invention. He realized that these various literary projects were leading nowhere, and one after another he dropped them. The fact that proofs of the big book were coming steadily may also have interfered with his creative faculty.

But of the books started that summer at Weggis, none seem to have been finished. There's still a hefty, unfinished manuscript about Tom and Huck, most of which was probably written during this time, along with the “dream” story mentioned earlier, and another tale with a complex plot involving psychology and crime; yet another one titled “Hell-Fire Hotchkiss”—a story about life in Hannibal—and some short stories. Clemens seemed to be out of sync with fiction at this time. Maybe his long travel book had stifled his creativity. He realized that these different literary projects were going nowhere, and he eventually dropped them one by one. The fact that proofs of the big book were coming in regularly might have also distracted him from his creative abilities.

As was his habit, Clemens formed the acquaintance of a number of the native residents, and enjoyed talking to them about their business and daily affairs. They were usually proud and glad of these attentions, quick to see the humor of his remarks.

As was his habit, Clemens got to know several of the local residents and liked chatting with them about their work and daily生活. They were generally proud and happy to receive this attention, quick to appreciate the humor in his comments.

But there was an old watchmaker-an 'Uhrmacher' who remained indifferent. He would answer only in somber monosyllables, and he never smiled. Clemens at last brought the cheapest kind of a watch for repairs.

But there was an old watchmaker—an 'Uhrmacher'—who stayed indifferent. He would respond only with gloomy one-word answers, and he never smiled. Clemens finally brought in the cheapest type of watch for repairs.

“Be very careful of this watch,” he said. “It is a fine one.”

“Be really careful with this watch,” he said. “It’s a great one.”

The old man merely glared at him.

The old man just glared at him.

“It is not a valuable watch. It is a worthless watch.”

“It’s not a valuable watch. It’s a worthless watch.”

“But I gave six francs for it in Paris.”

“But I paid six francs for it in Paris.”

“Still, it is a cheap watch,” was the unsmiling answer. Defeat waits somewhere for every conqueror.

“Still, it’s a cheap watch,” was the serious reply. Defeat is always lurking somewhere for every victor.

Which recalls another instance, though of a different sort. On one of his many voyages to America, he was sitting on deck in a steamer-chair when two little girls stopped before him. One of them said, hesitatingly:

Which brings to mind another occasion, though it was different. During one of his many trips to America, he was sitting on deck in a steamer chair when two little girls stopped in front of him. One of them said, hesitantly:

“Are you Mr. Mark Twain?”

"Are you Mr. Mark Twain?"

“Why, yes, dear, they call me that.”

“Yeah, sure, honey, that’s what they call me.”

“Won't you please say something funny?”

“Could you please say something funny?”

And for the life of him he couldn't make the required remark.

And no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't say the right thing.

In one of his letters to Twichell of that summer, Clemens wrote of the arrival there of the colored jubilee singers, always favorites of his, and of his great delight in them.

In one of his letters to Twichell that summer, Clemens wrote about the arrival of the Jubilee Singers, who were always his favorites, and how much he enjoyed their performance.

    We went down to the village hotel & bought our tickets & entered the
    beer-hall, where a crowd of German & Swiss men & women sat grouped
    around tables with their beer-mugs in front of them—self-contained
    & unimpressionable-looking people—an indifferent & unposted &
    disheartening audience—& up at the far end of the room sat the
    jubilees in a row. The singers got up & stood—the talking & glass-
    jingling went on. Then rose & swelled out above those common
    earthly sounds one of those rich chords, the secret of whose make
    only the jubilees possess, & a spell fell upon that house. It was
    fine to see the faces light up with the pleased wonder & surprise of
    it. No one was indifferent any more; & when the singers finished
    the camp was theirs. It was a triumph. It reminded me of Lancelot
    riding in Sir Kay's armor, astonishing complacent knights who
    thought they had struck a soft thing. The jubilees sang a lot of
    pieces. Arduous & painstaking cultivation has not diminished or
    artificialized their music, but on the contrary—to my surprise—has
    mightily reinforced its eloquence and beauty. Away back in the
    beginning—to my mind—their music made all other vocal music cheap;
    & that early notion is emphasized now. It is entirely beautiful to
    me; & it moves me infinitely more than any other music can. I think
    that in the jubilees & their songs America has produced the
    perfectest flower of the ages; & I wish it were a foreign product,
    so that she would worship it & lavish money on it & go properly
    crazy over it.

    Now, these countries are different: they would do all that if it
    were native. It is true they praise God, but that is merely a
    formality, & nothing in it; they open out their whole hearts to no
    foreigner.
    We went down to the village hotel and bought our tickets, then entered the beer hall, where a crowd of German and Swiss men and women were gathered around tables with their beer mugs in front of them—self-contained and seemingly unimpressed—an indifferent and unengaged audience that felt disheartening—and at the far end of the room sat the jubilee performers in a row. The singers got up and stood—while the talking and glass clinking continued. Then, rising above those everyday sounds, one of those rich chords emerged, a secret that only the jubilee performers know, and a spell fell over the room. It was wonderful to see the faces light up with joy and surprise. No one was indifferent anymore; and when the singers finished, the crowd belonged to them. It was a triumph. It reminded me of Lancelot riding in Sir Kay's armor, astonishing the complacent knights who thought they had it easy. The jubilee performers sang many pieces. Their hard work and dedication had neither diminished nor made their music artificial; on the contrary—to my surprise—it had greatly enhanced its eloquence and beauty. Back in the beginning, in my opinion, their music made all other vocal music seem cheap; and that early impression has only been reinforced now. It is entirely beautiful to me; and it moves me far more than any other music can. I think that in the jubilee performers and their songs, America has created the finest expression of its time; and I wish it were a foreign product, so that people would admire it, spend money on it, and truly go crazy over it.

    Now, these countries are different: they would do all that if it were native. It’s true they praise God, but that feels more like a formality, without any real feeling; they don’t open their hearts to any foreigner.

As the first anniversary of Susy's death drew near the tension became very great. A gloom settled on the household, a shadow of restraint. On the morning of the 18th Clemens went early to his study. Somewhat later Mrs. Clemens put on her hat and wrap, and taking a small bag left the house. The others saw her go toward the steamer-landing, but made no inquiries as to her destination. They guessed that she would take the little boat that touched at the various points along the lake shore. This she did, in fact, with no particular plan as to where she would leave it. One of the landing-places seemed quiet and inviting, and there she went ashore, and taking a quiet room at a small inn spent the day in reading Susy's letters. It was evening when she returned, and her husband, lonely and anxious, was waiting for her at the landing. He had put in the day writing the beautiful poem, “In Memoriam,” a strain lofty, tender, and dirge-like-liquidly musical, though irregular in form.—[Now included in the Uniform Edition.]

As the first anniversary of Susy's death approached, the tension became intense. A gloom hung over the household, a shadow of restraint. On the morning of the 18th, Clemens went to his study early. A little later, Mrs. Clemens put on her hat and coat, grabbed a small bag, and left the house. The others saw her head toward the steamer landing but didn’t ask where she was going. They assumed she would take the small boat that stopped at various points along the lake shore. And that’s exactly what she did, having no specific plan about where to get off. One of the landing spots looked peaceful and inviting, so she got off there, booked a quiet room at a small inn, and spent the day reading Susy’s letters. She returned in the evening, and her husband, feeling lonely and anxious, was waiting for her at the landing. He had spent the day writing the beautiful poem, “In Memoriam,” a piece that was lofty, tender, and mournful, flowing with music, though irregular in form.—[Now included in the Uniform Edition.]





CXCIX. WINTER IN VIENNA

They remained two months in Weggis—until toward the end of September; thence to Vienna, by way of Innsbruck, in the Tyrol, “where the mountains seem more approachable than in Switzerland.” Clara Clemens wished to study the piano under Leschetizky, and this would take them to Austria for the winter. Arriving at Vienna, they settled in the Hotel Metropole, on the banks of the Danube. Their rooms, a corner suite, looked out on a pretty green square, the Merzimplatz, and down on the Franz Josef quay. A little bridge crosses the river there, over which all kinds of life are continually passing. On pleasant days Clemens liked to stand on this bridge and watch the interesting phases of the Austrian capital. The Vienna humorist, Poetzl, quickly formed his acquaintance, and they sometimes stood there together. Once while Clemens was making some notes, Poetzl interested the various passers by asking each one—the errand-boy, the boot-black, the chestnut-vender, cabmen, and others—to guess who the stranger was and what he wanted. Most of them recognized him when their attention was called, for the newspapers had proudly heralded his arrival and his picture was widely circulated.

They stayed in Weggis for two months—until nearly the end of September; then they traveled to Vienna, passing through Innsbruck in Tyrol, “where the mountains feel more accessible than in Switzerland.” Clara Clemens wanted to study piano with Leschetizky, so this would take them to Austria for the winter. Upon arriving in Vienna, they settled in the Hotel Metropole, by the banks of the Danube. Their rooms, a corner suite, overlooked a lovely green square, the Merzimplatz, and the Franz Josef quay below. A small bridge crosses the river there, where all sorts of people are constantly coming and going. On nice days, Clemens enjoyed standing on this bridge, observing the vibrant life of the Austrian capital. He quickly became friends with the local humorist, Poetzl, and they sometimes stood there together. One time while Clemens was jotting down some notes, Poetzl entertained the various passersby by asking each one—the delivery boy, the shoeshiner, the chestnut vendor, taxi drivers, and others—to guess who the stranger was and what he wanted. Most recognized him once their attention was drawn, as the newspapers had eagerly announced his arrival and his picture was widely shared.

Clemens had scarcely arrived in Vienna, in fact, before he was pursued by photographers, journalists, and autograph-hunters. The Viennese were his fond admirers, and knowing how the world elsewhere had honored him they were determined not to be outdone. The 'Neues Viener Tageblatt', a fortnight after his arrival, said:

Clemens had barely arrived in Vienna when he was chased by photographers, journalists, and fans wanting autographs. The people of Vienna admired him greatly, and knowing how he had been celebrated around the world, they were set on matching that enthusiasm. The 'Neues Viener Tageblatt', two weeks after his arrival, stated:

    It is seldom that a foreign author has found such a hearty reception
    in Vienna as that accorded to Mark Twain, who not only has the
    reputation of being the foremost humorist in the whole civilized.
    world, but one whose personality arouses everywhere a peculiar
    interest on account of the genuine American character which sways
    it.
    It’s rare for a foreign author to receive such a warm welcome in Vienna as Mark Twain did. Not only is he celebrated as the leading humorist in the entire civilized world, but his personality also attracts unique interest everywhere because of its genuine American character.

He was the guest of honor at the Concordia Club soon after his arrival, and the great ones of Vienna assembled to do him honor. Charlemagne Tower, then American minister, was also one of the guests. Writers, diplomats, financiers, municipal officials, everybody in Vienna that was worth while, was there. Clemens gave them a surprise, for when Ferdinand Gross, Concordia president, introduced him first in English, then in German, Mark Twain made his reply wholly in the latter language.

He was the guest of honor at the Concordia Club shortly after he arrived, and the prominent figures of Vienna gathered to honor him. Charlemagne Tower, who was the American minister at the time, was also among the guests. Writers, diplomats, financiers, municipal officials, and everyone important in Vienna was there. Clemens surprised them because when Ferdinand Gross, the Concordia president, introduced him first in English and then in German, Mark Twain responded entirely in German.

The paper just quoted gives us a hint of the frolic and wassail of that old 'Festkneipe' when it says:

The quoted paper gives us a glimpse of the fun and celebration of that old 'Festkneipe' when it says:

    At 9 o'clock Mark Twain appeared in the salon, and amid a storm of
    applause took his seat at the head of the table. His characteristic
    shaggy and flowing mane of hair adorning a youthful countenance
    attracted the attention at once of all present. After a few formal
    convivial commonplaces the president of the Concordia, Mr. Ferdinand
    Gross, delivered an excellent address in English, which he wound up
    with a few German sentences. Then Mr. Tower was heard in praise of
    his august countryman. In the course of his remarks he said he
    could hardly find words enough to express his delight at the
    presence of the popular American. Then followed the greatest
    attraction of the evening, an impromptu speech by Mark Twain in the
    German language, which it is true he has not fully mastered, but
    which he nevertheless controls sufficiently well to make it
    difficult to detect any harsh foreign accent. He had entitled his
    speech, “Die Schrecken der Deutschen Sprache” (the terrors of the
    German language). At times he would interrupt himself in English
    and ask, with a stuttering smile, “How do you call this word in
    German” or “I only know that in mother-tongue.” The Festkneipe
    lasted far into the morning hours.
At 9 o'clock, Mark Twain walked into the salon, and amid a wave of applause, took his seat at the head of the table. His distinctive shaggy, flowing hair on a youthful face immediately caught everyone's attention. After a few standard polite remarks, the president of the Concordia, Mr. Ferdinand Gross, gave an excellent speech in English, which he wrapped up with a few sentences in German. Then Mr. Tower spoke in praise of his distinguished American counterpart. During his comments, he mentioned that he could hardly find enough words to express how thrilled he was to have the popular American in attendance. Next came the highlight of the evening: an impromptu speech by Mark Twain in German, which he admittedly hasn't fully mastered, but manages well enough that his foreign accent was hard to detect. He titled his speech, “Die Schrecken der Deutschen Sprache” (the terrors of the German language). At times, he would pause and shift to English, asking with a shy smile, “How do you say this word in German?” or “I only know that in my native tongue.” The Festkneipe went on well into the early hours of the morning.

It was not long after their arrival in Vienna that the friction among the unamalgamated Austrian states flamed into a general outbreak in the Austrian Reichsrath, or Imperial Parliament. We need not consider just what the trouble was. Any one wishing to know can learn from Mark Twain's article on the subject, for it is more clearly pictured there than elsewhere. It is enough to say here that the difficulty lay mainly between the Hungarian and German wings of the house; and in the midst of it Dr. Otto Lecher made his famous speech, which lasted twelve hours without a break, in order to hold the floor against the opposing forces. Clemens was in the gallery most of the time while that speech, with its riotous accompaniment, was in progress.—[“When that house is legislating you can't tell it from artillery practice.” From Mark Twain's report, “Stirring Times in Austria,” in Literary Essays,]—He was intensely interested. Nothing would appeal to him more than that, unless it should be some great astronomic or geologic change. He was also present somewhat later when a resolution was railroaded through which gave the chair the right to invoke the aid of the military, and he was there when the military arrived and took the insurgents in charge. It was a very great occasion, a “tremendous episode,” he says.

It wasn't long after they arrived in Vienna when tensions between the separate Austrian states erupted into a big conflict in the Austrian Reichsrath, or Imperial Parliament. We don’t need to go into detail about the issues. Anyone who wants to know can check out Mark Twain's article on it, as it explains things more clearly than anywhere else. It's enough to say that the primary conflict was between the Hungarian and German factions of the house; and during all of this, Dr. Otto Lecher delivered his famous speech, which went on for twelve hours straight to keep the floor against the opposing forces. Clemens spent most of that time in the gallery while the speech, along with its chaotic backdrop, unfolded. —[“When that house is legislating you can't tell it from artillery practice.” From Mark Twain's report, “Stirring Times in Austria,” in Literary Essays,]—He found it incredibly fascinating. Nothing would capture his interest more than that, except maybe some significant astronomical or geological event. He was also present a bit later when a resolution was hurriedly pushed through that gave the chair the authority to call in the military, and he was there when the military arrived and took control of the protesters. It was a major event, a “tremendous episode,” as he puts it.

    The memory of it will outlast all the others that exist to-day. In
    the whole history of free parliament the like of it had been seen
    but three times before. It takes imposing place among the world's
    unforgetable things. I think that in my lifetime I have not twice
    seen abiding history made before my eyes, but I know that I have
    seen it once.
    The memory of it will outlast everything else today. In the entire history of free parliament, it has only been witnessed three times before. It holds a significant place among the world's unforgettable moments. I believe that in my lifetime, I have only seen lasting history made before my eyes once, but I know that I’ve seen it happen.

Wild reports were sent to the American press; among them one that Mark Twain had been hustled out with the others, and that, having waved his handkerchief and shouted “Hoch die Deutschen!” he had been struck by an officer of the law. Of course nothing of the kind happened. The sergeant-at-arms, who came to the gallery where he sat, said to a friend who suggested that Clemens be allowed to remain:

Wild reports were sent to the American press; among them was one claiming that Mark Twain had been pushed out with the others, and that, after waving his handkerchief and shouting “Hooray for the Germans!” he had been struck by a law officer. Of course, nothing like that happened. The sergeant-at-arms, who came to the gallery where he was sitting, said to a friend who suggested that Clemens be allowed to stay:

“Oh, I know him very well. I recognize him by his pictures, and I should be very glad to let him stay, but I haven't any choice because of the strictness of the order.”

“Oh, I know him really well. I can recognize him from his pictures, and I would be very happy to let him stay, but I don’t have any choice because of the strictness of the order.”

Clemens, however, immediately ran across a London Times correspondent, who showed him the way into the first gallery, which it seems was not emptied, so he lost none of the exhibit.

Clemens, however, quickly came across a correspondent from the London Times, who showed him the way into the first gallery, which apparently wasn't emptied, so he didn't miss any of the exhibit.

Mark Twain's report of the Austrian troubles, published in Harper's Magazine the following March and now included with the Literary Essays, will keep that episode alive and important as literature when otherwise it would have been merely embalmed, and dimly remembered, as history.

Mark Twain's report on the Austrian troubles, published in Harper's Magazine the following March and now included in the Literary Essays, will keep that event alive and significant as literature when otherwise it would have just been preserved and vaguely recalled as history.

It was during these exciting political times in Vienna that a representative of a New York paper wrote, asking for a Mark Twain interview. Clemens replied, giving him permission to call. When the reporter arrived Clemens was at work writing in bed, as was so much his habit. At the doorway the reporter paused, waiting for a summons to enter. The door was ajar and he heard Mrs. Clemens say:

It was during these thrilling political times in Vienna that a reporter from a New York newspaper reached out, requesting an interview with Mark Twain. Clemens responded, granting him permission to come by. When the reporter arrived, Clemens was busy writing in bed, which was a common routine for him. At the doorway, the reporter hesitated, waiting for an invitation to enter. The door was slightly open, and he overheard Mrs. Clemens saying:

“Youth, don't you think it will be a little embarrassing for him, your being in bed?”

“Youth, don’t you think it’ll be a bit embarrassing for him, you being in bed?”

And he heard Mark Twain's easy, gentle, deliberate voice reply:

And he heard Mark Twain's relaxed, soft, intentional voice respond:

“Why, Livy, if you think so, we might have the other bed made up for him.”

“Why, Livy, if you think that, we could get the other bed ready for him.”

Clemens became a privileged character in Vienna. Official rules were modified for his benefit. Everything was made easy for him. Once, on a certain grand occasion, when nobody was permitted to pass beyond a prescribed line, he was stopped by a guard, when the officer in charge suddenly rode up:

Clemens became a favored figure in Vienna. Official rules were changed for his advantage. Everything was made simple for him. Once, during a major event when no one was allowed to cross a designated line, he was stopped by a guard, when the officer in charge suddenly approached:

“Let him pass,” he commanded. “Lieber Gott! Don't you see it's Herr Mark Twain?”

“Let him through,” he commanded. “Dear God! Can’t you see it’s Mr. Mark Twain?”

The Clemens apartments at the Metropole were like a court, where with those of social rank assembled the foremost authors, journalists, diplomats, painters, philosophers, scientists, of Europe, and therefore of the world. A sister of the Emperor of Germany lived at the Metropole that winter and was especially cordial. Mark Twain's daily movements were chronicled as if he had been some visiting potentate, and, as usual, invitations and various special permissions poured in. A Vienna paper announced:

The Clemens apartments at the Metropole were like a royal court, where prominent authors, journalists, diplomats, painters, philosophers, and scientists from Europe—and thus the world—gathered with those of social standing. That winter, a sister of the Emperor of Germany stayed at the Metropole and was particularly friendly. Mark Twain's daily activities were reported on as if he were a visiting dignitary, and, as always, invitations and various special requests flooded in. A Vienna paper announced:

    He has been feted and dined from morn till eve. The homes of the
    aristocracy are thrown open to him, counts and princes delight to do
    him honor, and foreign audiences hang upon the words that fall from
    his lips, ready to burst out any instant into roars of laughter.
    He has been celebrated and entertained from morning till night. The homes of the wealthy elite welcome him, counts and princes are eager to honor him, and foreign crowds hang on his every word, ready to erupt into laughter at any moment.

Deaths never came singly in the Clemens family. It was on the 11th of December, 1897, something more than a year after the death of Susy, that Orion Clemens died, at the age of seventy-two. Orion had remained the same to the end, sensitively concerned as to all his brother's doings, his fortunes and misfortunes: soaring into the clouds when any good news came; indignant, eager to lend help and advice in the hour of defeat; loyal, upright, and generally beloved by those who knew and understood his gentle nature. He had not been ill, and, in fact, only a few days before he died had written a fine congratulatory letter on his brother's success in accumulating means for the payment of his debts, entering enthusiastically into some literary plans which Mark Twain then had in prospect, offering himself for caricature if needed.

Deaths never came one at a time in the Clemens family. It was on December 11, 1897, a little over a year after Susy’s death, that Orion Clemens passed away at the age of seventy-two. Orion remained the same until the end, deeply concerned about everything his brother did, his highs and lows: soaring with joy at any good news; getting upset and eager to help and offer advice during tough times; loyal, honorable, and generally loved by those who knew and appreciated his gentle nature. He hadn’t been sick, and just a few days before he died, he wrote a heartfelt congratulatory letter to his brother for his success in paying off his debts, enthusiastically engaging in some literary plans Mark Twain had in mind, even offering himself for caricature if needed.

      I would fit in as a fool character, believing, what the Tennessee
      mountaineers predicted, that I would grow up to be a great man and go to
      Congress. I did not think it worth the trouble to be a common great man
      like Andy Johnson. I wouldn't give a pinch of snuff, little as I needed
      it, to be anybody, less than Napoleon. So when a farmer took my father's
      offer for some chickens under advisement till the next day I said to
      myself, “Would Napoleon Bonaparte have taken under advisement till the
      next day an offer to sell him some chickens?”
     
      I would play the fool, convinced, like the Tennessee mountaineers predicted, that I would grow up to be a great man and go to Congress. I didn't think it was worth my time to be just an average great man like Andy Johnson. I wouldn't care at all, even if I needed it, to be anyone less than Napoleon. So when a farmer decided to think over my father's offer to sell him some chickens until the next day, I thought to myself, “Would Napoleon Bonaparte have waited until the next day to consider an offer to sell him some chickens?”

To his last day and hour Orion was the dreamer, always with a new plan. It was one morning early that he died. He had seated himself at a table with pencil and paper and was setting down the details of his latest project when death came to him, kindly enough, in the moment of new hope.

To his last day and hour, Orion was the dreamer, always coming up with a new plan. It was early one morning that he died. He had sat down at a table with pencil and paper, working on the details of his latest project when death approached him, rather gently, in that moment of fresh hope.

There came also, just then, news of the death of their old Hartford butler, George. It saddened them as if it had been a member of the household. Jean, especially, wept bitterly.

There also came, right then, news of the death of their old Hartford butler, George. It made them feel as if they had lost a member of the family. Jean, in particular, cried hard.





CC. MARK TWAIN PAYS HIS DEBTS

'Following the Equator'—[In England, More Tramps Abroad.]—had come from the press in November and had been well received. It was a large, elaborate subscription volume, more elaborate than artistic in appearance. Clemens, wishing to make some acknowledgment to his benefactor, tactfully dedicated it to young Harry Rogers:

'Following the Equator'—[In England, More Tramps Abroad.]—was published in November and received a positive response. It was a large, detailed subscription book, more focused on being elaborate than artistic in look. Clemens, wanting to show his appreciation to his benefactor, thoughtfully dedicated it to young Harry Rogers:

“With recognition of what he is, and an apprehension of what he may become unless he form himself a little more closely upon the model of the author.”

“With an understanding of who he is and a realization of what he might become if he doesn't shape himself a bit more like the author.”

Following the Equator was Mark Twain's last book of travel, and it did not greatly resemble its predecessors. It was graver than the Innocents Abroad; it was less inclined to cynicism and burlesque than the Tramp. It was the thoughtful, contemplative observation and philosophizing of the soul-weary, world-weary pilgrim who has by no means lost interest, but only his eager, first enthusiasm. It is a gentler book than the Tramp Abroad, and for the most part a pleasanter one. It is better history and more informing. Its humor, too, is of a worthier sort, less likely to be forced and overdone. The holy Hindoo pilgrim's “itinerary of salvation” is one of the richest of all Mark Twain's fancies, and is about the best thing in the book. The revised philosophies of Pudd'nhead Wilson, that begin each chapter, have many of them passed into our daily speech. That some of Mark Twain's admirers were disappointed with the new book is very likely, but there were others who could not praise it enough. James Whitcomb Riley wrote:

Following the Equator was Mark Twain's final travel book, and it didn’t quite resemble his earlier works. It was more serious than The Innocents Abroad; it had less cynicism and parody than The Tramp. It reflected the thoughtful, reflective insights of a tired traveler who hasn't lost interest, but rather his initial enthusiasm. It's a gentler book than The Tramp Abroad, and generally more enjoyable. It offers better historical context and is more informative. Its humor is also of a higher quality, less likely to feel forced or overdone. The holy Hindu pilgrim's “itinerary of salvation” is one of Mark Twain's most elaborate creations and is arguably the best part of the book. The updated philosophies from Pudd'nhead Wilson that start each chapter have largely integrated into our everyday language. Some of Mark Twain's fans were probably disappointed with this new book, but others couldn’t praise it enough. James Whitcomb Riley wrote:

DEAR MR. CLEMENS,—For a solid week-night sessions—I have been glorying in your last book-and if you've ever done anything better, stronger, or of wholesomer uplift I can't recall it. So here's my heart and here's my hand with all the augmented faith and applause of your proudest countryman! It's just a hail I'm sending you across the spaces—not to call you from your blessed work an instant, but simply to join my voice in the universal cheer that is steadfastly going up for you.

DEAR MR. CLEMENS,—For a full week now, I’ve been enjoying your latest book. If you’ve ever created anything better, more powerful, or more uplifting, I can’t remember it. So here’s my heartfelt support and my warmest congratulations from one of your proudest fans! I’m just sending you this message—not to distract you from your wonderful work for even a moment, but to add my voice to the growing cheers that are consistently rising up for you.

As gratefully as delightedly,                  Your abiding friend,
                            JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY.
As gratefully as happily,                  Your lasting friend,
                            JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY.

Notwithstanding the belief that the sale of single subscription volumes had about ended, Bliss did well with the new book. Thirty or forty thousand copies were placed without much delay, and the accumulated royalties paid into Mr. Rogers's hands. The burden of debt had become a nightmare. Clemens wrote:

Notwithstanding the belief that the sale of single subscription volumes had mostly come to an end, Bliss did well with the new book. Thirty or forty thousand copies were sold without much delay, and the royalties were paid out to Mr. Rogers. The weight of debt had become a nightmare. Clemens wrote:

Let us begin on those debts. I cannot bear the weight any longer. It totally unfits me for work.

Let’s talk about those debts. I can’t handle the pressure anymore. It’s completely making it impossible for me to work.

This was November 10, 1897. December 29th he wrote:

This was November 10, 1897. On December 29th, he wrote:

Land, we are glad to see those debts diminishing. For the first time in my life I am getting more pleasure from paying money out than pulling it in.

Land, it's great to see those debts going down. For the first time in my life, I'm enjoying spending money more than making it.

To Howells, January 3d, Clemens wrote that they had “turned the corner,” and a month later:

To Howells, on January 3rd, Clemens wrote that they had “turned the corner,” and a month later:

We've lived close to the bone and saved every cent we could, & there's no undisputed claim now that we can't cash. There are only two claims which I dispute & which I mean to look into personally before I pay them. But they are small. Both together they amount to only $12,500. I hope you will never get the like of the load saddled onto you that was saddled onto me 3 years ago. And yet there is such a solid pleasure in paying the things that I reckon maybe it is worth while to get into that kind of a hobble after all. Mrs. Clemens gets millions of delight out of it; & the children have never uttered one complaint about the scrimping from the beginning.

We've lived on a tight budget and saved every penny we could, and there are no undisputed claims now that we can't cash. There are only two claims that I dispute and that I plan to look into personally before I pay them. But they are minor. Together, they amount to only $12,500. I hope you never have to deal with the kind of burden that was placed on me three years ago. Still, there is such a genuine pleasure in paying off debts that I think it might actually be worth getting into that kind of situation after all. Mrs. Clemens finds immense joy in it, and the kids have never complained about the sacrifices we've made from the start.

By the end of January, 1898, Mark Twain had accumulated enough money to make the final payment to his creditors and stand clear of debt. At the time of his failure he said he had given himself five years in which to clear himself of the heavy obligation. He had achieved that result in less than three. The world heralded it as a splendid triumph.

By the end of January 1898, Mark Twain had saved up enough money to make his final payment to his creditors and be free of debt. When he faced his financial troubles, he had set a goal of five years to get out from under that heavy burden. He accomplished that in under three years. The world celebrated it as a huge victory.

Miss Katharine I. Harrison, Henry Rogers's secretary, who had been in charge of the details, wrote in her letter announcing his freedom:

Miss Katharine I. Harrison, Henry Rogers's secretary, who had been in charge of the details, wrote in her letter announcing his freedom:

“I wish I could shout it across the water to you so that you would get it ten days ahead of this letter.”

“I wish I could shout it across the water to you so you would get it ten days before this letter.”

Miss Harrison's letter shows that something like thirteen thousand dollars would remain to his credit after the last accounts were wiped away.

Miss Harrison's letter shows that about thirteen thousand dollars would still be left in his account after the final bills were cleared.

Clemens had kept his financial progress from the press, but the payment of the final claims was distinctly a matter of news and the papers made the most of it. Head-lines shouted it, there were long editorials in which Mark Twain was heralded as a second Walter Scott, though it was hardly necessary that he should be compared with anybody; he had been in that—as in those peculiarities which had invited his disaster—just himself.

Clemens had kept his financial progress hidden from the press, but the settlement of the final claims was definitely newsworthy, and the newspapers took full advantage of it. Headlines screamed about it, and there were lengthy editorials that celebrated Mark Twain as a second Walter Scott, even though it was really unnecessary to compare him to anyone; he had been his own unique self in that situation—as well as in the quirks that had led to his downfall.

One might suppose now that he had had enough of inventions and commercial enterprises of every sort that is, one who did not know Mark Twain might suppose this; but it would not be true. Within a month after the debts were paid he had negotiated with the great Austrian inventor, Szczepanik, and his business manager for the American rights of a wonderful carpet-pattern machine, obtained an option for these rights at fifteen hundred thousand dollars, and, Sellers-like, was planning to organize a company with a capital of fifteen hundred million dollars to control carpet-weaving industries of the world. He records in his note-book that a certain Mr. Wood, representing the American carpet interests, called upon him and, in the course of their conversation, asked him at what price he would sell his option.

One might think that he was done with inventions and business ventures of all kinds—at least, someone who didn’t know Mark Twain might think that—but it wouldn’t be true. Within a month of settling his debts, he had struck a deal with the famous Austrian inventor, Szczepanik, and his business manager for the American rights to an amazing carpet-pattern machine. He secured an option for these rights for one million five hundred thousand dollars and, in typical Sellers fashion, was planning to set up a company with a capital of one billion five hundred million dollars to dominate the world’s carpet-weaving industry. He noted in his notebook that a certain Mr. Wood, who represented American carpet interests, came to see him and, during their conversation, asked him how much he would sell his option for.

    I declined, and got away from the subject. I was afraid he would
    offer me $500,000 for it. I should have been obliged to take it,
    but I was born with a speculative instinct & I did not want that
    temptation put in my way.
    I declined and changed the subject. I was worried he would offer me $500,000 for it. I would have felt obliged to accept it, but I was born with a speculative instinct, and I didn't want that temptation thrown my way.

He wrote to Mr. Rogers about the great scheme, inviting the Standard Oil to furnish the capital for it—but it appears not to have borne the test of Mr. Rogers's scrutiny, and is heard of no more.

He wrote to Mr. Rogers about the big plan, inviting Standard Oil to provide the funding for it—but it seems it didn’t withstand Mr. Rogers's review, and we don’t hear anything more about it.

Szczepanik had invented the 'Fernseher', or Telelectroscope, the machine by which one sees at a distance. Clemens would have invested heavily in this, too, for he had implicit faith in its future, but the 'Fernseher' was already controlled for the Paris Exposition; so he could only employ Szczepanik as literary material, which he did in two instances: “The Austrian Edison Keeping School Again” and “From the London Times of 1904”—magazine articles published in the Century later in the year. He was fond of Szczepanik and Szczepanik's backer, Mr. Kleinburg. In one of his note-book entries he says:

Szczepanik had invented the 'Fernseher', or Telelectroscope, the device that lets you see things from afar. Clemens would have invested a lot in this as well, since he believed strongly in its potential, but the 'Fernseher' was already set for the Paris Exposition, so he could only use Szczepanik as inspiration for his writing, which he did in two instances: “The Austrian Edison Keeping School Again” and “From the London Times of 1904”—magazine articles published in the Century later that year. He had a fondness for Szczepanik and Szczepanik's backer, Mr. Kleinburg. In one of his notebook entries, he mentions:

Szczepanik is not a Paige. He is a gentleman; his backer, Mr. Kleinburg, is a gentleman, too, yet is not a Clemens—that is to say, he is not an ass.

Szczepanik is not a Paige. He is a gentleman; his backer, Mr. Kleinburg, is a gentleman too, but he’s not a Clemens—that is to say, he’s not a fool.

Clemens did not always consult his financial adviser, Rogers, any more than he always consulted his spiritual adviser, Twichell, or his literary adviser, Howells, when he intended to commit heresies in their respective provinces. Somewhat later an opportunity came along to buy an interest in a preparation of skimmed milk, an invalid food by which the human race was going to be healed of most of its ills. When Clemens heard that Virchow had recommended this new restorative, the name of which was plasmon, he promptly provided MacAlister with five thousand pounds to invest in a company then organizing in London. It should be added that this particular investment was not an entire loss, for it paid very good dividends for several years. We shall hear of it again.

Clemens didn’t always check in with his financial advisor, Rogers, just like he didn’t always talk to his spiritual advisor, Twichell, or his literary advisor, Howells, when he planned to go against the norms in their fields. Later on, he found an opportunity to invest in a skimmed milk product, a supposedly miraculous food that would supposedly cure a lot of the world’s problems. When Clemens learned that Virchow had endorsed this new health product, called plasmon, he quickly gave MacAlister five thousand pounds to invest in a company that was being set up in London. It’s worth noting that this particular investment wasn’t a total loss, as it yielded good dividends for several years. We’ll hear more about it later.

For the most part Clemens was content to let Henry Rogers do his financiering, and as the market was low with an upward incline, Rogers put the various accumulations into this thing and that, and presently had some fifty thousand dollars to Mark Twain's credit, a very comfortable balance for a man who had been twice that amount in debt only a few years before. It has been asserted most strenuously, by those in a position to know least about the matter, that Henry Rogers lent, and even gave, Mark Twain large sums, and pointed out opportunities whereby he could make heavily by speculation. No one of these statements is true. Mr. Rogers neither lent nor gave Mark Twain money for investment, and he never allowed him to speculate when he could prevent it. He invested for him wisely, but he never bought for him a share of stock that he did not have the money in hand to pay for in full-money belonging to and earned by Clemens himself. What he did give to Mark Twain was his priceless counsel and time—gifts more precious than any mere sum of money—boons that Mark Twain could accept without humiliation. He did accept them and was unceasingly grateful.—[Mark Twain never lost an opportunity for showing his gratitude to Henry Rogers. The reader is referred to Appendix T, at the end of the last volume, for a brief tribute which Clemens prepared in 1902. Mr. Rogers would not consent to its publication.]

For the most part, Clemens was happy to let Henry Rogers handle his finances. Since the market was low but starting to rise, Rogers invested the various amounts into different ventures, and soon enough, he had about fifty thousand dollars to Mark Twain's credit, a very comfortable sum for someone who had been twice that amount in debt just a few years earlier. Some people, who know the least about the situation, have insisted that Henry Rogers lent or even gave Mark Twain large amounts of money, and pointed out opportunities where he could profit significantly from speculation. None of these claims are true. Mr. Rogers neither lent nor gave Mark Twain money for investment, and he never allowed him to speculate when he could avoid it. He made wise investments on his behalf, but he never bought Mark Twain a share of stock without having the full amount already in hand—money that belonged to and was earned by Clemens himself. What he offered Mark Twain was his invaluable advice and time—gifts far more valuable than any amount of money—benefits that Mark Twain could accept without feeling ashamed. He did accept them and was always very grateful.—[Mark Twain never missed an opportunity to show his appreciation to Henry Rogers. The reader can refer to Appendix T, at the end of the last volume, for a brief tribute that Clemens prepared in 1902. Mr. Rogers did not agree to its publication.]





CCI. SOCIAL LIFE IN VIENNA

Clemens, no longer worried about finances and full of ideas and prospects, was writing now at a great rate, mingling with all sorts of social events, lecturing for charities, and always in the lime-light.

Clemens, no longer concerned about money and brimming with ideas and opportunities, was now writing at a rapid pace, attending all kinds of social events, giving lectures for charities, and constantly in the spotlight.

      I have abundant peace of mind again—no sense of burden. Work is
      become a pleasure—it is not labor any longer.
    
      I have plenty of peace of mind again—no feeling of burden. Work has
      become enjoyable—it’s not a chore anymore.

He was the lion of the Austrian capital, and it was natural that he should revel in his new freedom and in the universal tribute. Mrs. Clemens wrote that they were besieged with callers of every description:

He was the lion of the Austrian capital, and it was natural for him to enjoy his new freedom and the widespread admiration. Mrs. Clemens wrote that they were overwhelmed with visitors of all kinds:

    Such funny combinations are here sometimes: one duke, several
    counts, several writers, several barons, two princes, newspaper
    women, etc. I find so far, without exception, that the high-up
    aristocracy are simple and cordial and agreeable.
    There are some funny combinations here sometimes: one duke, several counts, several writers, a few barons, two princes, newspaper women, etc. So far, I've found that the high-ranking aristocracy are straightforward, friendly, and pleasant.

When Clemens appeared as a public entertainer all society turned out to hear him and introductions were sought by persons of the most exclusive rank. Once a royal introduction led to an adventure. He had been giving a charity reading in Vienna, and at the end of it was introduced, with Mrs. Clemens, to her Highness, Countess Bardi, a princess of the Portuguese royal house by marriage and sister to the Austrian Archduchess Maria Theresa. They realized that something was required after such an introduction; that, in fact, they must go within a day or two and pay their respects by writing their names in the visitors' book, kept in a sort of anteroom of the royal establishment. A few days later, about noon, they drove to the archducal palace, inquired their way to the royal anteroom, and informed the grandly uniformed portier that they wished to write their names in the visitors' book. The portier did not produce the book, but summoned a man in livery and gold lace and directed him to take them up-stairs, remarking that her Royal Highness was out, but would be in presently. They protested that her Royal Highness was not looking for them, that they were not calling, but had merely come to sign the visitors' book, but he said:

When Clemens performed as a public entertainer, everyone showed up to hear him, and even the most elite members of society wanted introductions. One time, a royal introduction led to an unexpected event. He had just finished a charity reading in Vienna when he and Mrs. Clemens were introduced to her Highness, Countess Bardi, who was a princess of the Portuguese royal family by marriage and the sister of the Austrian Archduchess Maria Theresa. They understood that they were expected to follow up this introduction and pay their respects by writing their names in the visitors' book, located in a sort of anteroom of the royal establishment, within a couple of days. A few days later, around noon, they drove to the archducal palace, asked how to get to the royal anteroom, and told the grandly uniformed doorman that they wanted to sign the visitors' book. The doorman didn’t bring out the book but called over a man in fancy livery and gold lace, instructing him to take them upstairs, adding that her Royal Highness was out but would be back soon. They insisted that her Royal Highness wasn’t expecting them, that they weren’t making a visit, but had just come to sign the visitors' book, yet he said:

“You are Americans, are you not?”

"You're Americans, right?"

“Yes, we are Americans.”

"Yeah, we're Americans."

“Then you are expected. Please go up-stairs.”

“Then you’re expected. Please go upstairs.”

Mrs. Clemens said:

Mrs. Clemens said:

“Oh no, we are not expected; there is some mistake. Please let us sign the book and we will go away.”

“Oh no, we weren’t expected; there’s been a mistake. Please let us sign the book and we’ll leave.”

But it was no use. He insisted that her Royal Highness would be back in a very little while; that she had commanded him to say so and that they must wait. They were shown up-stairs, Clemens going willingly enough, for he scented an adventure; but Mrs. Clemens was far from happy. They were taken to a splendid drawing-room, and at the doorway she made her last stand, refusing to enter. She declared that there was certainly some mistake, and begged them to let her sign her name in the book and go, without parleying. It was no use. Their conductor insisted that they remove their wraps and sit down, which they finally did—Mrs. Clemens miserable, her husband in a delightful state of anticipation. Writing of it to Twichell that night he said:

But it didn't matter. He kept saying that her Royal Highness would be back soon; that she had ordered him to say so and that they needed to wait. They were taken upstairs, with Clemens going along eagerly, excited about the adventure; but Mrs. Clemens was not happy at all. They were brought to a beautiful drawing-room, and at the door, she made her final stand, refusing to go in. She insisted there must be some mistake and asked to just sign her name in the book and leave, without any discussion. It was pointless. Their guide insisted they take off their coats and sit down, which they eventually did—Mrs. Clemens feeling miserable, while her husband was happily anticipating what would happen next. Writing about it that night to Twichell, he said:

    I was hoping and praying that the Princess would come and catch us
    up there, & that those other Americans who were expected would
    arrive and be taken as impostors by the portier & be shot by the
    sentinels & then it would all go into the papers & be cabled all
    over the world & make an immense stir and be perfectly lovely.

    Livy was in a state of mind; she said it was too theatrically
    ridiculous & that I would never be able to keep my mouth shut; that
    I would be sure to let it out & it would get into the papers, & she
    tried to make me promise.

    “Promise what?” I said.

    “To be quiet about this.”

    “Indeed I won't; it's the best thing ever happened. I'll tell it
    and add to it & I wish Joe & Howells were here to make it perfect; I
    can't make all the rightful blunders by myself—it takes all three
    of us to do justice to an opportunity like this. I would just like
    to see Howells get down to his work & explain & lie & work his
    futile & inventionless subterfuges when that Princess comes raging
    in here & wanting to know.”

    But Livy could not bear fun—it was not a time to be trying to be
    funny. We were in a most miserable & shameful situation, & it
    —Just then the door spread wide & our Princess & 4 more & 3 little
    Princes flowed in! Our Princess & her sister, the Archduchess Maria
    Theresa (mother to the imperial heir & to the a young girl
    Archduchesses present, & aunt to the 3 little Princes), & we shook
    hands all around & sat down & had a most sociable time for half an
    hour, & by & by it turned out that we were the right ones & had been
    sent for by a messenger who started too late to catch us at the
    hotel. We were invited for a o'clock, but we beat that arrangement
    by an hour & a half.

    Wasn't it a rattling good comedy situation? Seems a kind of pity we
    were the right ones. It would have been such nuts to see the right
    ones come and get fired out, & we chatting along comfortably &
    nobody suspecting us for impostors.
I was really hoping and praying that the Princess would come and find us up there, and that the other Americans we were expecting would show up and be mistaken for impostors by the doorman and get shot by the guards. Then it would all make the news and get cabled around the world, causing a huge stir and being just perfect.

Livy was not in a good mood; she said it was too ridiculously dramatic and that I would never keep quiet; that I would definitely spill the beans and it would make the papers, and she tried to get me to promise.

“Promise what?” I asked.

“To keep quiet about this.”

“Absolutely not; this is the best thing that’s ever happened. I’ll tell the story and embellish it, and I wish Joe and Howells were here to make it perfect; I can’t make all the ridiculous mistakes on my own—it takes all three of us to do it justice. I would love to see Howells get to work, trying to explain, lie, and come up with his pointless, uninspired excuses when that Princess storms in wanting to know.”

But Livy couldn’t handle the joking—it wasn’t the time for humor. We were in a really miserable and embarrassing situation, and just then the door swung open, and our Princess plus four others and three little Princes came in! Our Princess and her sister, Archduchess Maria Theresa (mother to the imperial heir and to the young Archduchesses present, and aunt to the three little Princes), we shook hands all around and sat down, having a really nice time for half an hour. Eventually, it turned out that we were the right ones after all and had been summoned by a messenger who left too late to catch us at the hotel. We were invited for one o'clock, but we beat that by an hour and a half.

Wasn’t it a fantastic comedy situation? It’s kind of a shame we were the right ones. It would have been so entertaining to see the real ones come in and get kicked out while we were chatting happily, and nobody suspected we were impostors.

Mrs. Clemens to Mrs. Crane:

Mrs. Clemens to Mrs. Crane:

    Of course I know that I should have courtesied to her Imperial
    Majesty & not quite so deep to her Royal Highness, and that Mr.
    Clemens should have kissed their hands; but it was all so unexpected
    that I had no time to prepare, and if I had had I should not have
    been there; I only went in to help Mr. C. with my bad German. When
    our minister's wife is going to be presented to the Archduchess she
    practises her courtesying beforehand.
    Of course, I know I should have curtsied to her Imperial Majesty and not so deeply to her Royal Highness, and that Mr. Clemens should have kissed their hands; but it was all so unexpected that I didn't have time to prepare, and even if I had, I wouldn't have been there; I only went in to help Mr. C. with my poor German. When our minister's wife is going to be presented to the Archduchess, she practices her curtsies beforehand.

They had met royalty in simple American fashion and no disaster had followed.

They had met royalty in a straightforward American way, and nothing bad had happened afterward.

We have already made mention of the distinguished visitors who gathered in the Clemens apartments at the Hotel Metropole. They were of many nations and ranks. It was the winter in London of twenty-five years before over again. Only Mark Twain was not the same. Then he had been unsophisticated, new, not always at his ease; now he was the polished familiar of courts and embassies—at home equally with poets and princes, authors and ambassadors and kings. Such famous ones were there as Vereshchagin, Leschetizky, Mark Hambourg, Dvorak, Lenbach, and Jokai, with diplomats of many nations. A list of foreign names may mean little to the American reader, but among them were Neigra, of Italy; Paraty, of Portugal; Lowenhaupt, of Sweden; and Ghiki, of Rumania. The Queen of Rumania, Carmen Sylva, a poetess in her own right, was a friend and warm admirer of Mark Twain. The Princess Metternich, and Madame de Laschowska, of Poland, were among those who came, and there were Nansen and his wife, and Campbell-Bannerman, who was afterward British Premier. Also there was Spiridon, the painter, who made portraits of Clara Clemens and her father, and other artists and potentates—the list is too long.

We’ve already talked about the distinguished guests who gathered in the Clemens apartments at the Hotel Metropole. They came from many nations and backgrounds. It was winter in London, just like it was twenty-five years ago. The only difference was Mark Twain. Back then, he was naive and new, not always comfortable; now he was the smooth companion of courts and embassies—equally at home with poets and princes, authors and ambassadors, and kings. Among the notable guests were Vereshchagin, Leschetizky, Mark Hambourg, Dvorak, Lenbach, and Jokai, along with diplomats from various countries. A list of foreign names might not mean much to the American reader, but included were Neigra from Italy; Paraty from Portugal; Lowenhaupt from Sweden; and Ghiki from Romania. The Queen of Romania, Carmen Sylva, who was a poet herself, was a friend and great admirer of Mark Twain. The Princess Metternich and Madame de Laschowska from Poland were also there, along with Nansen and his wife, and Campbell-Bannerman, who later became British Prime Minister. Additionally, Spiridon, the painter, who created portraits of Clara Clemens and her father, was present, along with many other artists and dignitaries—the list is too long.

Those were brilliant, notable gatherings and are remembered in Vienna today. They were not always entirely harmonious, for politics was in the air and differences of opinion were likely to be pretty freely expressed.

Those gatherings were impressive and are still remembered in Vienna today. They weren't always completely harmonious, as politics was in the air and differing opinions were often expressed openly.

Clemens and his family, as Americans, did not always have a happy time of it. It was the eve of the Spanish American War and most of continental Europe sided with Spain. Austria, in particular, was friendly to its related nation; and from every side the Clemenses heard how America was about to take a brutal and unfair advantage of a weaker nation for the sole purpose of annexing Cuba.

Clemens and his family, as Americans, didn't always have an easy time. It was the night before the Spanish-American War, and most of continental Europe supported Spain. Austria, in particular, was friendly to its allied nation; and from all around, the Clemenses heard how America was about to take a brutal and unfair advantage of a weaker nation just to annex Cuba.

Charles Langdon and his son Jervis happened to arrive in Vienna about this time, bringing straight from America the comforting assurance that the war was not one of conquest or annexation, but a righteous defense of the weak. Mrs. Clemens gave a dinner for them, at which, besides some American students, were Mark Hambourg, Gabrilowitsch, and the great Leschetizky himself. Leschetizky, an impetuous and eloquent talker, took this occasion to inform the American visitors that their country was only shamming, that Cuba would soon be an American dependency. No one not born to the language could argue with Leschetizky. Clemens once wrote of him:

Charles Langdon and his son Jervis arrived in Vienna around this time, bringing reassuring news from America that the war wasn’t about conquest or annexation, but about defending the vulnerable. Mrs. Clemens hosted a dinner for them, which included some American students, Mark Hambourg, Gabrilowitsch, and the great Leschetizky himself. Leschetizky, a passionate and expressive speaker, took the opportunity to tell the American guests that their country was only pretending, and that Cuba would soon become an American territory. No one who wasn’t a native speaker could argue with Leschetizky. Clemens once wrote about him:

He is a most capable and felicitous talker-was born for an orator, I think. What life, energy, fire in a man past 70! & how he does play! He is easily the greatest pianist in the world. He is just as great & just as capable today as ever he was.

He is a very talented and engaging speaker; I believe he was born to be an orator. What life, energy, and passion he has at over 70! And how he performs! He is undoubtedly the greatest pianist in the world. He is just as remarkable and able today as he has ever been.

Last Sunday night, at dinner with us, he did all the talking for 3 hours, and everybody was glad to let him. He told his experiences as a revolutionist 50 years ago in '48, & his battle-pictures were magnificently worded. Poetzl had never met him before. He is a talker himself & a good one—but he merely sat silent & gazed across the table at this inspired man, & drank in his words, & let his eyes fill & the blood come & go in his face & never said a word.

Last Sunday night, during dinner with us, he did all the talking for 3 hours, and everyone was happy to let him. He shared his experiences as a revolutionary from 50 years ago in '48, and his vivid battle stories were beautifully expressed. Poetzl had never met him before. He’s a talker himself and a good one, but he just sat silently, gazing across the table at this inspiring man, soaking in his words, letting his eyes well up and the color rise and fall in his face, and never said a word.

Whatever may have been his doubts in the beginning concerning the Cuban War, Mark Twain, by the end of May, had made up his mind as to its justice. When Theodore Stanton invited him to the Decoration Day banquet to be held in Paris, he replied:

Whatever his doubts were at the start about the Cuban War, by the end of May, Mark Twain had come to a clear opinion about its justice. When Theodore Stanton invited him to the Decoration Day banquet in Paris, he responded:

I thank you very much for your invitation and I would accept if I were foot-free. For I should value the privilege of helping you do honor to the men who rewelded our broken Union and consecrated their great work with their lives; and also I should like to be there to do homage to our soldiers and sailors of today who are enlisted for another most righteous war, and utter the hope that they may make short and decisive work of it and leave Cuba free and fed when they face for home again. And finally I should like to be present and see you interweave those two flags which, more than any others, stand for freedom and progress in the earth-flags which represent two kindred nations, each great and strong by itself, competent sureties for the peace of the world when they stand together.

Thank you so much for your invitation, and I would accept it if I were able to attend. I would appreciate the chance to help honor the men who rebuilt our broken Union and dedicated their lives to that important work. I would also like to pay my respects to our soldiers and sailors today who are fighting in another just war, and I hope they can resolve it quickly and effectively, leaving Cuba free and thriving when they return home. Lastly, I would love to be there to see you weave together those two flags that symbolize freedom and progress—flags representing two similar nations, each strong on its own, but together, they are solid guarantees for world peace.

That is to say, the flags of England and America. To an Austrian friend he emphasized this thought:

That is to say, the flags of England and America. He emphasized this thought to an Austrian friend:

The war has brought England and America close together—and to my mind that is the biggest dividend that any war in this world has ever paid. If this feeling is ever to grow cold again I do not wish to live to see it.

The war has brought England and America closer together—and to me, that's the greatest benefit that any war in this world has ever provided. If this connection ever fades again, I don't want to be around to witness it.

And to Twichell, whose son David had enlisted:

And to Twichell, whose son David had joined the military:

You are living your war-days over again in Dave & it must be strong pleasure mixed with a sauce of apprehension....

You are reliving your war days with Dave, and it must be a powerful mix of enjoyment and anxiety...

I have never enjoyed a war, even in history, as I am enjoying this one, for this is the worthiest one that was ever fought, so far as my knowledge goes. It is a worthy thing to fight for one's own country. It is another sight finer to fight for another man's. And I think this is the first time it has been done.

I have never enjoyed a war, even in history, as much as I am enjoying this one, because this is the most worthy one ever fought, as far as I know. It's a noble thing to fight for your own country. It's even nobler to fight for someone else's. And I believe this is the first time this has happened.

But it was a sad day for him when he found that the United States really meant to annex the Philippines, and his indignation flamed up. He said:

But it was a disappointing day for him when he realized that the United States actually intended to annex the Philippines, and his anger flared up. He said:

“When the United States sent word to Spain that the Cuban atrocities must end she occupied the highest moral position ever taken by a nation since the Almighty made the earth. But when she snatched the Philippines she stained the flag.”

“When the United States informed Spain that the Cuban atrocities needed to stop, it held the highest moral stance ever taken by a nation since the Almighty created the earth. But when it seized the Philippines, it stained the flag.”





CCII. LITERARY WORK IN VIENNA

One must wonder, with all the social demands upon him, how Clemens could find time to write as much as he did during those Vienna days. He piled up a great heap of manuscript of every sort. He wrote Twichell:

One has to wonder, with all the social pressures on him, how Clemens managed to write as much as he did during those days in Vienna. He accumulated a huge stack of manuscripts of every kind. He wrote to Twichell:

    There may be idle people in the world, but I am not one of them.
There might be lazy people in the world, but I'm not one of them.

And to Howells:

And to Howells:

    I couldn't get along without work now. I bury myself in it up to
    the ears. Long hours—8 & 9 on a stretch sometimes. It isn't all
    for print, by any means, for much of it fails to suit me; 50,000
    words of it in the past year. It was because of the deadness which
    invaded me when Susy died.
    I can't imagine getting by without work now. I dive into it completely. Long hours—sometimes 8 or 9 hours straight. It's not all for publication, not by a long shot, since a lot of it doesn't meet my standards; I've written 50,000 words in the last year. It was because of the emptiness that took over when Susy passed away.

He projected articles, stories, critiques, essays, novels, autobiography, even plays; he covered the whole literary round. Among these activities are some that represent Mark Twain's choicest work. “Concerning the Jews,” which followed the publication of his “Stirring Times in Austria” (grew out of it, in fact), still remains the best presentation of the Jewish character and racial situation. Mark Twain was always an ardent admirer of the Jewish race, and its oppression naturally invited his sympathy. Once he wrote to Twichell:

He produced articles, stories, critiques, essays, novels, autobiographies, and even plays; he covered the entire literary spectrum. Among these activities are some of Mark Twain's finest work. “Concerning the Jews,” which came after the release of his “Stirring Times in Austria” (it actually grew out of it), still stands as the best representation of the Jewish character and racial situation. Mark Twain was always a passionate admirer of the Jewish race, and their oppression naturally drew his sympathy. Once he wrote to Twichell:

The difference between the brain of the average Christian and that of the average Jew—certainly in Europe—is about the difference between a tadpole's brain & an archbishop's. It is a marvelous race; by long odds the most marvelous race the world has produced, I suppose.

The difference between the brain of the average Christian and that of the average Jew—definitely in Europe—is like the difference between a tadpole's brain and an archbishop's. It's an amazing race; by far the most incredible race the world has ever produced, I guess.

Yet he did not fail to see its faults and to set them down in his summary of Hebrew character. It was a reply to a letter written to him by a lawyer, and he replied as a lawyer might, compactly, logically, categorically, conclusively. The result pleased him. To Mr. Rogers he wrote:

Yet he didn’t overlook its flaws and noted them in his summary of Hebrew character. It was a response to a letter he received from a lawyer, and he answered like a lawyer would—clearly, logically, directly, and with finality. He was satisfied with the outcome. To Mr. Rogers, he wrote:

The Jew article is my “gem of the ocean.” I have taken a world of pleasure in writing it & doctoring it & fussing at it. Neither Jew nor Christian will approve of it, but people who are neither Jews nor Christian will, for they are in a condition to know the truth when they see it.

The Jew article is my “gem of the ocean.” I have found immense pleasure in writing it, editing it, and tweaking it. Neither Jews nor Christians will like it, but people who are neither will, because they are in a position to recognize the truth when they see it.

Clemens was not given to race distinctions. In his article he says:

Clemens didn't make distinctions based on race. In his article, he states:

I am quite sure that (bar one) I have no race prejudices, and I think I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. Indeed I know it. I can stand any society. All that I care to know is that a man is a human being, that is enough for me; he can't be any worse.

I’m pretty sure that other than one exception, I don’t have any racial biases, and I believe I have no biases based on color, class, or religion. In fact, I know that for sure. I can fit into any social setting. All I really care about is that someone is a human being; that’s all I need to know. They can't be any worse than that.

We gather from something that follows that the one race which he bars is the French, and this, just then, mainly because of the Dreyfus agitations.

We can tell from what comes next that the only group he excludes is the French, mainly because of the Dreyfus controversies at that time.

He also states in this article:

He also mentions in this article:

I have no special regard for Satan, but I can at least claim that I have no prejudice against him. It may even be that I lean a little his way on account of his not having a fair show.

I don't have any particular affection for Satan, but I can honestly say I don't hold any bias against him. In fact, I might even be a bit sympathetic towards him because he doesn't get a fair chance.

Clemens indeed always had a friendly feeling toward Satan (at least, as he conceived him), and just at this time addressed a number of letters to him concerning affairs in general—cordial, sympathetic, informing letters enough, though apparently not suited for publication. A good deal of the work done at this period did not find its way into print. An interview with Satan; a dream-story concerning a platonic sweetheart, and some further comment on Austrian politics, are among the condemned manuscripts.

Clemens always felt a friendly vibe toward Satan (at least, how he saw him), and during this time, he wrote several letters to him about various matters—cordial, sympathetic, and informative letters, though they didn’t seem fit for publication. Much of the work done during this time never got published. An interview with Satan, a dream story about a platonic crush, and some additional thoughts on Austrian politics are among the rejected manuscripts.

Mark Twain's interest in Satan would seem later to have extended to his relatives, for there are at least three bulky manuscripts in which he has attempted to set down some episodes in the life of one “Young Satan,” a nephew, who appears to have visited among the planets and promoted some astonishing adventures in Austria several centuries ago. The idea of a mysterious, young, and beautiful stranger who would visit the earth and perform mighty wonders, was always one which Mark Twain loved to play with, and a nephew of Satan's seemed to him properly qualified to carry out his intention. His idea was that this celestial visitant was not wicked, but only indifferent to good and evil and suffering, having no personal knowledge of any of these things. Clemens tried the experiment in various ways, and portions of the manuscript are absorbingly interesting, lofty in conception, and rarely worked out—other portions being merely grotesque, in which the illusion of reality vanishes.

Mark Twain's fascination with Satan seemed to extend to his family, as he wrote at least three thick manuscripts detailing some episodes in the life of "Young Satan," a nephew who seems to have traveled between the planets and had some incredible adventures in Austria several centuries ago. The concept of a mysterious, young, and beautiful stranger visiting Earth to perform great wonders was always something Mark Twain enjoyed exploring, and he thought a nephew of Satan would be a fitting character to fulfill this idea. He imagined this celestial visitor as not being evil but rather indifferent to good, evil, and suffering, lacking any personal experience of these things. Clemens experimented with this concept in various ways, and parts of the manuscript are deeply engaging, lofty in their ideas, and rarely fully developed—while other sections are simply bizarre, causing the illusion of reality to fade.

Among the published work of the Vienna period is an article about a morality play, the “Master of Palmyra,”—[About play-acting, Forum, October, 1898.]—by Adolf Wilbrandt, an impressive play presenting Death, the all-powerful, as the principal part.

Among the published work of the Vienna period is an article about a morality play, the “Master of Palmyra,”—[About play-acting, Forum, October, 1898.]—by Adolf Wilbrandt, an impressive play featuring Death, the all-powerful, as the main character.

The Cosmopolitan Magazine for August published “At the Appetite-Cure,” in which Mark Twain, in the guise of humor, set forth a very sound and sensible idea concerning dietetics, and in October the same magazine published his first article on “Christian Science and the Book of Mrs. Eddy.” As we have seen, Clemens had been always deeply interested in mental healing, and in closing this humorous skit he made due acknowledgments to the unseen forces which, properly employed, through the imagination work physical benefits:

The August issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine featured “At the Appetite-Cure,” where Mark Twain, using humor, presented a very reasonable and practical idea about diet. In October, the same magazine published his first article on “Christian Science and the Book of Mrs. Eddy.” As we've noted, Clemens had always been very interested in mental healing, and at the end of this humorous piece, he acknowledged the unseen forces that, when used correctly, can bring physical benefits through the power of imagination.

“Within the last quarter of a century,” he says, “in America, several sects of curers have appeared under various names and have done notable things in the way of healing ailments without the use of medicines.”

“Over the last 25 years,” he says, “in America, various groups of healers have emerged under different names and have achieved significant results in treating ailments without using medicines.”

Clemens was willing to admit that Mrs. Eddy and her book had benefited humanity, but he could not resist the fun-making which certain of her formulas and her phrasing invited. The delightful humor of the Cosmopolitan article awoke a general laugh, in which even devout Christian Scientists were inclined to join.—[It was so popular that John Brisben Walker voluntarily added a check for two hundred dollars to the eight hundred dollars already paid.]—Nothing that he ever did exhibits more happily that peculiar literary gift upon which his fame rests.

Clemens was willing to acknowledge that Mrs. Eddy and her book had helped humanity, but he couldn't resist poking fun at some of her expressions and wording. The charming humor of the Cosmopolitan article sparked a collective laugh, even among dedicated Christian Scientists who were inclined to join in. —[It was so popular that John Brisben Walker willingly added a check for two hundred dollars to the eight hundred dollars already paid.]—Nothing he ever did showcases that unique literary talent that forms the basis of his fame more effectively.

But there is another story of this period that will live when most of those others mentioned are but little remembered. It is the story of “The Man that Corrupted Hadleyburg.” This is a tale that in its own way takes its place with the half-dozen great English short stories of the world-with such stories as “The Fall of the House of Usher,” by Poe; “The Luck of Roaring Camp,” by Harte; “The Man Who Would be King,” by Kipling; and “The Man Without a Country,” by Hale. As a study of the human soul, its flimsy pretensions and its pitiful frailties, it outranks all the rest. In it Mark Twain's pessimistic philosophy concerning the “human animal” found a free and moral vent. Whatever his contempt for a thing, he was always amused at it; and in this tale we can imagine him a gigantic Pantagruel dangling a ridiculous manikin, throwing himself back and roaring out his great bursting guffaws at its pitiful antics. The temptation and the downfall of a whole town was a colossal idea, a sardonic idea, and it is colossally and sardonically worked out.

But there’s another story from this time that will be remembered when most of the others mentioned are long forgotten. It’s the story of “The Man that Corrupted Hadleyburg.” This tale stands alongside the few great English short stories, such as “The Fall of the House of Usher” by Poe, “The Luck of Roaring Camp” by Harte, “The Man Who Would be King” by Kipling, and “The Man Without a Country” by Hale. As a study of the human soul, its fragile pretensions and pitiful weaknesses, it surpasses them all. In this story, Mark Twain's cynical views about the “human animal” are expressed freely and morally. No matter how much he despised something, he always found it amusing; and in this tale, we can picture him as a giant Pantagruel, toying with a ridiculous figure, leaning back and roaring with laughter at its pathetic antics. The temptation and downfall of an entire town is a huge concept, a darkly humorous one, and it’s executed with incredible scale and irony.

Human weakness and rotten moral force were never stripped so bare or so mercilessly jeered at in the marketplace. For once Mark Twain could hug himself with glee in derision of self-righteousness, knowing that the world would laugh with him, and that none would be so bold as to gainsay his mockery. Probably no one but Mark Twain ever conceived the idea of demoralizing a whole community—of making its “nineteen leading citizens” ridiculous by leading them into a cheap, glittering temptation, and having them yield and openly perjure themselves at the very moment when their boasted incorruptibility was to amaze the world. And it is all wonderfully done. The mechanism of the story is perfect, the drama of it is complete. The exposure of the nineteen citizens in the very sanctity of the church itself, and by the man they have discredited, completing the carefully prepared revenge of the injured stranger, is supreme in its artistic triumph. “The Man that Corrupted Hadleyburg” is one of the mightiest sermons against self-righteousness ever preached. Its philosophy, that every man is strong until his price is named; the futility of the prayer not to be led into temptation, when it is only by resisting temptation that men grow strong—these things blaze out in a way that makes us fairly blink with the truth of them.

Human weakness and moral decay have never been exposed so openly or ridiculed so harshly in public. For once, Mark Twain could revel in mocking self-righteousness, confident that the world would join in his laughter and that no one would dare challenge his satire. Probably no one but Mark Twain ever thought of undermining an entire community—making its “nineteen leading citizens” look foolish by luring them into a shallow, shiny temptation, only to have them give in and openly lie at the very moment they were supposed to impress the world with their supposed integrity. It’s all brilliantly executed. The story's structure is flawless, and its dramatic arc is complete. The exposure of the nineteen citizens right in the sacred space of the church, by the very person they have discredited, fulfills the carefully orchestrated revenge of the wronged outsider, showcasing an exceptional artistic achievement. “The Man that Corrupted Hadleyburg” stands as one of the most powerful critiques of self-righteousness ever delivered. Its message—that every man is strong until he faces temptation; the futility of praying not to be led into temptation when it’s through resisting that men become strong—shines through in a way that leaves us almost stunned by its truth.

It is Mark Twain's greatest short story. It is fine that it should be that, as well as much more than that; for he was no longer essentially a story-teller. He had become more than ever a moralist and a sage. Having seen all of the world, and richly enjoyed and deeply suffered at its hands, he sat now as in a seat of judgment, regarding the passing show and recording his philosophies.

It’s Mark Twain’s greatest short story. It’s fitting that it should be that, as well as so much more; he was no longer just a storyteller. He had become even more of a moralist and a wise figure. After experiencing the world, both its joys and its pain, he now observed everything like a judge, reflecting on it and sharing his insights.





CCIII. AN IMPERIAL TRAGEDY

For the summer they went to Kaltenleutgeben, just out of Vienna, where they had the Villa Paulhof, and it was while they were there, September 10, 1898, that the Empress Elizabeth of Austria was assassinated at Geneva by an Italian vagabond, whose motive seemed to have been to gain notoriety. The news was brought to them one evening, just at supper-time, by Countess Wydenbouck-Esterhazy.

For the summer, they went to Kaltenleutgeben, just outside Vienna, where they had the Villa Paulhof. It was while they were there, on September 10, 1898, that Empress Elizabeth of Austria was assassinated in Geneva by an Italian drifter, whose motive appeared to be seeking fame. Countess Wydenbouck-Esterhazy brought them the news one evening, right around dinnertime.

Clemens wrote to Twichell:

Clemens messaged Twichell:

    That good & unoffending lady, the Empress, is killed by a madman, &
    I am living in the midst of world-history again. The Queen's
    Jubilee last year, the invasion of the Reichsrath by the police, &
    now this murder, which will still be talked of & described & painted
    a thousand years from now. To have a personal friend of the wearer
    of two crowns burst in at the gate in the deep dusk of the evening &
    say, in a voice broken with tears, “My God! the Empress is
    murdered,” & fly toward her home before we can utter a question
    —why, it brings the giant event home to you, makes you a part of it
    & personally interested; it is as if your neighbor Antony should come
    flying & say, “Caesar is butchered—the head of the world is
    fallen!”
 
    That good and innocent lady, the Empress, has been killed by a madman, and I'm living right in the middle of history again. The Queen's Jubilee last year, the police invading the Reichsrath, and now this murder, which will still be talked about, described, and depicted a thousand years from now. To have a personal friend of someone who wears two crowns burst in at the gate in the deep dusk of the evening and say, in a voice choked with tears, “My God! The Empress is murdered,” and rush toward her home before we can even ask a question—well, it brings the massive event close to you, makes you a part of it and personally invested; it's as if your neighbor Antony should come running in and say, “Caesar is butchered—the head of the world has fallen!”

Of course there is no talk but of this. The mourning is universal and genuine, the consternation is stupefying. The Austrian Empire is being draped with black. Vienna will be a spectacle to see by next Saturday, when the funeral cortege marches.

Of course, everyone is talking about this. The grief is widespread and sincere, and the shock is overwhelming. The Austrian Empire is covered in black. Vienna will be a sight to behold by next Saturday when the funeral procession takes place.

Clemens and the others went into Vienna for the funeral ceremonies and witnessed them from the windows of the new Krantz Hotel, which faces the Capuchin church where the royal dead lie buried. It was a grandly impressive occasion, a pageant of uniforms of the allied nations that made up the Empire of Austria. Clemens wrote of it at considerable length, and sent the article to Mr. Rogers to offer to the magazines. Later, however, he recalled it just why is not clear. In one place he wrote:

Clemens and the others went to Vienna for the funeral ceremonies and watched from the windows of the new Krantz Hotel, which overlooks the Capuchin church where the royals are buried. It was a grand and impressive event, a parade of uniforms from the allied nations that formed the Empire of Austria. Clemens wrote about it in detail and sent the article to Mr. Rogers to pitch to the magazines. However, later on, he decided to pull it back for reasons that aren't entirely clear. At one point, he wrote:

Twice the Empress entered Vienna in state; the first time was in 1854, when she was a bride of seventeen, & when she rode in measureless pomp through a world of gay flags & decorations down the streets, walled on both hands with the press of shouting & welcoming subjects; & the second time was last Wednesday, when she entered the city in her coffin, & moved down the same streets in the dead of night under waving black flags, between human walls again, but everywhere was a deep stillness now & a stillness emphasized rather than broken by the muffled hoofbeats of the long cavalcade over pavements cushioned with sand, & the low sobbing of gray-headed women who had witnessed the first entrance, forty-four years before, when she & they were young & unaware.... She was so blameless—the Empress; & so beautiful in mind & heart, in person & spirit; & whether with the crown upon her head, or without it & nameless, a grace to the human race, almost a justification of its creation; would be, indeed, but that the animal that struck her down re-establishes the doubt.

Twice the Empress entered Vienna in a grand manner; the first time was in 1854, when she was a seventeen-year-old bride, riding in incredible splendor through a world of colorful flags and decorations down the streets, flanked on both sides by crowds of shouting and welcoming subjects. The second time was last Wednesday, when she entered the city in her coffin, moving down those same streets in the dead of night under waving black flags, again between walls of people, but now there was a profound silence, emphasized rather than broken by the muffled hoofbeats of the long procession over sand-covered pavements and the soft sobbing of gray-haired women who had witnessed her first entrance, forty-four years earlier, when she and they were young and unaware.... She was so innocent—the Empress; and so beautiful in mind and heart, in body and spirit; whether wearing the crown or not, she was a grace to humanity, almost a justification for its existence; that is, until the creature that brought her down reignited the doubt.

They passed a quiet summer at Kaltenleutgeben. Clemens wrote some articles, did some translating of German plays, and worked on his “Gospel,” an elaboration of his old essay on contenting one's soul through selfishness, later to be published as 'What is Man?' A. C. Dunham and Rev. Dr. Parker, of Hartford, came to Vienna, and Clemens found them and brought them out to Kaltenleutgeben and read them chapters of his doctrines, which, he said, Mrs. Clemens would not let him print. Dr. Parker and Dunham returned to Hartford and reported Mark Twain more than ever a philosopher; also that he was the “center of notability and his house a court.”

They spent a peaceful summer in Kaltenleutgeben. Clemens wrote a few articles, translated some German plays, and worked on his "Gospel," which expanded on his earlier essay about finding contentment through selfishness, later published as 'What is Man?' A. C. Dunham and Rev. Dr. Parker from Hartford visited Vienna, and Clemens found them, then took them to Kaltenleutgeben, where he read them chapters of his ideas, which he claimed Mrs. Clemens wouldn’t let him publish. Dr. Parker and Dunham returned to Hartford and reported that Mark Twain was more of a philosopher than ever; they also noted that he was the “center of notability and his house a court.”





CCIV. THE SECOND WINTER IN VIENNA

The Clemens family did not return to the Metropole for the winter, but went to the new Krantz, already mentioned, where they had a handsome and commodious suite looking down on the Neuer Markt and on the beautiful facade of the Capuchin church, with the great cathedral only a step away. There they passed another brilliant and busy winter. Never in Europe had they been more comfortably situated; attention had been never more lavishly paid to them. Their drawing-room was a salon which acquired the name of the “Second Embassy.” Clemens in his note-book wrote:

The Clemens family didn't go back to the Metropole for the winter; instead, they stayed at the new Krantz, as mentioned earlier, where they had a beautiful and spacious suite overlooking the Neuer Markt and the stunning facade of the Capuchin church, with the grand cathedral just a short distance away. They enjoyed another vibrant and lively winter there. Never before in Europe had they been more comfortably located; they received unprecedented attention. Their living room became known as the “Second Embassy.” Clemens noted in his notebook:

During 8 years now I have filled the position—with some credit, I trust, of self-appointed ambassador-at-large of the United States of America—without salary.

For the past 8 years, I've held this position—as I hope to be recognized, as the self-appointed ambassador-at-large of the United States—without a salary.

Which was a joke; but there was a large grain of truth in it, for Mark Twain, more than any other American in Europe, was regarded as typically representing his nation and received more lavish honors.

Which was a joke; but there was a large grain of truth in it, for Mark Twain, more than any other American in Europe, was seen as a true representative of his country and received more extravagant honors.

It had become the fashion to consult him on every question of public interest, for he was certain to say something worth printing, whether seriously or otherwise. When the Tsar of Russia proposed the disarmament of the nations William T. Stead, editor of the Review of Reviews, wrote for Mark Twain's opinion. He replied:

It had become trendy to ask him about every issue of public interest because he always had something valuable to say, whether it was serious or not. When the Tsar of Russia suggested disarming nations, William T. Stead, the editor of the Review of Reviews, asked for Mark Twain's opinion. He replied:

DEAR MR. STEADY,—The Tsar is ready to disarm. I am ready to disarm. Collect the others; it should not be much of a task now.

DEAR MR. STEADY,—The Tsar is prepared to disarm. I am prepared to disarm. Gather the others; it shouldn't be too difficult now.

                                   MARK TWAIN.
Mark Twain.

He was on a tide of prosperity once more, one that was to continue now until the end. He no longer had any serious financial qualms. He could afford to be independent. He refused ten thousand dollars for a tobacco indorsement, though he liked the tobacco well enough; and he was aware that even royalty was willing to put a value on its opinions. He declined ten thousand dollars a year for five years to lend his name as editor of a humorous periodical, though there was no reason to suppose that the paper would be otherwise than creditably conducted. He declined lecture propositions from Pond at the rate of about one a month. He could get along without these things, he said, and still preserve some remnants of self-respect. In a letter to Rogers he said:

He was riding a wave of success once again, one that would last until the end. He didn't have any serious money worries anymore. He could afford to be independent. He turned down ten thousand dollars for a tobacco endorsement, even though he liked the tobacco well enough; and he knew that even royalty put a price on their opinions. He rejected ten thousand dollars a year for five years to lend his name as editor of a humor magazine, despite there being no reason to think the publication wouldn’t be run well. He passed on lecture offers from Pond at about one per month. He said he could get by without these things and still keep some sense of self-respect. In a letter to Rogers, he said:

Pond offers me $10,000 for 10 nights, but I do not feel strongly tempted. Mrs. Clemens ditto.

Pond offers me $10,000 for 10 nights, but I’m not really tempted. Mrs. Clemens feels the same way.

Early in 1899 he wrote to Howells that Mrs. Clemens had proved to him that they owned a house and furniture in Hartford, that his English and American copyrights paid an income on the equivalent of two hundred thousand dollars, and that they had one hundred and seven thousand dollars' accumulation in the bank.

Early in 1899, he wrote to Howells that Mrs. Clemens had shown him that they owned a house and furniture in Hartford, that his English and American copyrights generated an income equivalent to two hundred thousand dollars, and that they had one hundred and seven thousand dollars saved in the bank.

“I have been out and bought a box of 6c. cigars,” he says; “I was smoking 4 1/2c. before.”

“I went out and bought a box of 6-cent cigars,” he says; “I used to smoke the 4 1/2-cent ones before.”

The things that men are most likely to desire had come to Mark Twain, and no man was better qualified to rejoice in them. That supreme, elusive thing which we call happiness might have been his now but for the tragedy of human bereavement and the torture of human ills. That he did rejoice—reveled indeed like a boy in his new fortunes, the honors paid him, and in all that gay Viennese life-there is no doubt. He could wave aside care and grief and remorse, forget their very existence, it seemed; but in the end he had only driven them ahead a little way and they waited by his path. Once, after reciting his occupations and successes, he wrote:

The things that men usually want had come to Mark Twain, and no one was more suited to enjoy them. That ultimate, elusive thing we call happiness might have been his now if it weren't for the tragedy of losing loved ones and the pain of human suffering. There’s no doubt he did enjoy it—he reveled in his good fortune, the honors he received, and all that lively Viennese life. He could push aside worry, grief, and guilt, even forget they existed for a while; but ultimately, he just postponed them a little, and they waited for him down the road. Once, after listing his jobs and achievements, he wrote:

    All these things might move and interest one. But how, desperately
    more I have been moved to-night by the thought of a little old copy
    in the nursery of 'At the Back of the North Wind'. Oh, what happy
    days they were when that book was read, and how Susy loved it!...
    Death is so kind, benignant, to whom he loves, but he goes by us
    others & will not look our way.
All these things might stir and interest someone. But how, so much more, I’ve been affected tonight by the memory of an old copy of 'At the Back of the North Wind' in the nursery. Oh, what joyful days those were when that book was read, and how much Susy loved it!... Death is so kind and gentle to those he cares for, but he passes by the rest of us and doesn’t glance our way.

And to Twichell a few days later:

And a few days later to Twichell:

    A Hartford with no Susy in it—& no Ned Bunce!—It is not the city
    of Hartford, it is the city of Heartbreak.... It seems only a few
    weeks since I saw Susy last—yet that was 1895 & this is 1899....

    My work does not go well to-day. It failed yesterday—& the day
    before & the day before that. And so I have concluded to put the
    MS. in the waste-basket & meddle with some other subject. I was
    trying to write an article advocating the quadrupling of the
    salaries of our ministers & ambassadors, & the devising of an
    official dress for them to wear. It seems an easy theme, yet I
    couldn't do the thing to my satisfaction. All I got out of it was
    an article on Monaco & Monte Carlo—matters not connected with the
    subject at all. Still, that was something—it's better than a total
    loss.
A Hartford without Susy—and no Ned Bunce!—It's not the city of Hartford; it's the city of Heartbreak.... It feels like only a few weeks since I last saw Susy—but that was 1895, and this is 1899....

My work isn't going well today. It failed yesterday—and the day before that, and the day before that too. So I've decided to toss the manuscript in the trash and focus on something else. I was trying to write an article pushing for a quadrupling of our ministers' and ambassadors' salaries, along with some official attire for them to wear. It seems like an easy topic, but I just couldn't make it work to my satisfaction. All I ended up with was an article about Monaco and Monte Carlo—topics completely unrelated to the subject. Still, it's something—it’s better than a total loss.

He finished the article—“Diplomatic Pay and Clothes”—in which he shows how absurd it is for America to expect proper representation on the trifling salaries paid to her foreign ministers, as compared with those allowed by other nations.

He completed the article—“Diplomatic Pay and Clothes”—in which he demonstrates how ridiculous it is for America to expect proper representation when the salaries paid to its foreign ministers are so trivial compared to those offered by other countries.

He prepared also a reminiscent article—the old tale of the shipwrecked Hornet and the magazine article intended as his literary debut a generation ago. Now and again he worked on some one of the several unfinished longer tales, but brought none of them to completion. The German drama interested him. Once he wrote to Mr. Rogers that he had translated “In Purgatory” and sent it to Charles Frohman, who pronounced it “all jabber and no play.”

He also wrote a nostalgic article about the old story of the shipwrecked Hornet and the magazine piece he meant to use as his literary debut a generation ago. Occasionally, he worked on one of several unfinished longer stories, but none of them were completed. The German drama caught his attention. Once, he wrote to Mr. Rogers that he had translated “In Purgatory” and sent it to Charles Frohman, who called it “all jabber and no play.”

Curious, too, for it tears these Austrians to pieces with laughter. When I read it, now, it seems entirely silly; but when I see it on the stage it is exceedingly funny.

Curiously, it also makes these Austrians laugh uncontrollably. When I read it now, it seems completely ridiculous; but when I see it performed on stage, it's really hilarious.

He undertook a play for the Burg Theater, a collaboration with a Vienna journalist, Siegmund Schlesinger. Schlesinger had been successful with several dramas, and agreed with Clemens to do some plays dealing with American themes. One of them was to be called “Die Goldgraeberin,” that is, “The Woman Gold-Miner.” Another, “The Rival Candidates,” was to present the humors of female suffrage. Schlesinger spoke very little English, and Clemens always had difficulty in comprehending rapid-fire German. So the work did not progress very well. By the time they had completed a few scenes of mining-drama the interest died, and they good-naturedly agreed that it would be necessary to wait until they understood each other's language more perfectly before they could go on with the project. Frau Kati Schratt, later morganatic wife of Emperor Franz Josef, but then leading comedienne of the Burg Theater, is said to have been cast for the leading part in the mining-play; and Director-General Herr Schlenther, head of the Burg Theater management, was deeply disappointed. He had never doubted that a play built by Schlesinger and Mark Twain, with Frau Schratt in the leading role, would have been a great success.

He took on a play for the Burg Theater, working with a Vienna journalist, Siegmund Schlesinger. Schlesinger had found success with several dramas and agreed with Clemens to create plays with American themes. One was going to be called “Die Goldgraeberin,” which means “The Woman Gold-Miner.” Another, “The Rival Candidates,” would explore the humor of female suffrage. Schlesinger spoke very little English, and Clemens always struggled to understand fast German. So, the work didn’t move along very well. By the time they finished a few scenes of the mining drama, interest had faded, and they agreeably decided it would be necessary to wait until they better understood each other’s languages before continuing with the project. Frau Kati Schratt, who later became the morganatic wife of Emperor Franz Josef but was then the leading actress at the Burg Theater, was said to be cast for the lead role in the mining play; and Director-General Herr Schlenther, head of the Burg Theater management, was deeply disappointed. He had always believed that a play made by Schlesinger and Mark Twain, with Frau Schratt in the lead, would have been a great success.

Clemens continued the subject of Christian Science that winter. He wrote a number of articles, mainly criticizing Mrs. Eddy and her financial methods, and for the first time conceived the notion of a book on the subject. The new hierarchy not only amused but impressed him. He realized that it was no ephemeral propaganda, that its appeal to human need was strong, and that its system of organization was masterful and complete. To Twichell he wrote:

Clemens kept discussing Christian Science that winter. He wrote several articles, mostly criticizing Mrs. Eddy and her financial practices, and for the first time thought about writing a book on the topic. The new hierarchy not only intrigued him but also left a lasting impression. He recognized that it wasn't just a passing trend, that its appeal to human needs was powerful, and that its organizational structure was skillful and thorough. He wrote to Twichell:

Somehow I continue to feel sure of that cult's colossal future.... I am selling my Lourdes stock already & buying Christian Science trust. I regard it as the Standard Oil of the future.

Somehow I still feel confident about that cult's huge future.... I'm already selling my Lourdes stock and buying into Christian Science trust. I see it as the Standard Oil of the future.

He laid the article away for the time and, as was his custom, put the play quite out of his mind and invented a postal-check which would be far more simple than post-office orders, because one could buy them in any quantity and denomination and keep them on hand for immediate use, making them individually payable merely by writing in the name of the payee. It seems a fine, simple scheme, one that might have been adopted by the government long ago; but the idea has been advanced in one form or another several times since then, and still remains at this writing unadopted. He wrote John Hay about it, remarking at the close that the government officials would probably not care to buy it as soon as they found they couldn't kill Christians with it.

He set the article aside for now and, as was his habit, pushed the play out of his mind. He came up with a postal check that would be much simpler than post office orders because you could buy them in any quantity and denomination and keep them on hand for immediate use, making them payable just by writing in the recipient's name. It seems like a great, straightforward idea, one that the government could have adopted a long time ago; however, it has been proposed in various forms several times since then and still hasn't been accepted. He wrote to John Hay about it, noting at the end that government officials probably wouldn’t be interested in it once they realized they couldn’t use it to harm Christians.

He prepared a lengthy article on the subject, in dialogue form, making it all very clear and convincing, but for some reason none of the magazines would take it. Perhaps it seemed too easy, too simple, too obvious. Great ideas, once developed, are often like that.

He wrote a long article on the topic in a dialogue format, making everything very clear and convincing, but for some reason, none of the magazines would publish it. Maybe it felt too easy, too simple, too obvious. Once great ideas are fully developed, they're often like that.





CCV. SPEECHES THAT WERE NOT MADE

In a volume of Mark Twain's collected speeches there is one entitled “German for the Hungarians—Address at the jubilee Celebration of the Emancipation of the Hungarian Press, March 26, 1899.” An introductory paragraph states that the ministers and members of Parliament were present, and that the subject was the “Ausgleich”—i.e., the arrangement for the apportionment of the taxes between Hungary and Austria. The speech as there set down begins:

In a collection of Mark Twain's speeches, there's one called “German for the Hungarians—Address at the Jubilee Celebration of the Emancipation of the Hungarian Press, March 26, 1899.” The intro mentions that ministers and members of Parliament were there, and the topic was the “Ausgleich”—the agreement on how to divide taxes between Hungary and Austria. The speech as recorded starts:

    Now that we are all here together I think that it will be a good
    idea to arrange the Ausgleich. If you will act for Hungary I shall
    be quite willing to act for Austria, and this is the very time for
    it.
    Now that we're all here together, I think it would be a good idea to sort out the Ausgleich. If you’ll represent Hungary, I’ll be more than happy to represent Austria, and this is the perfect time to do it.

It is an excellent speech, full of good-feeling and good-humor, but it was never delivered. It is only a speech that Mark Twain intended to deliver, and permitted to be copied by a representative of the press before he started for Budapest.

It’s a great speech, full of positivity and humor, but it was never actually given. It’s just a speech that Mark Twain planned to deliver and allowed a press representative to copy before he left for Budapest.

It was a grand dinner, brilliant and inspiring, and when Mark Twain was presented to that distinguished company he took a text from something the introducer had said and became so interested in it that his prepared speech wholly disappeared from his memory.

It was a fantastic dinner, dazzling and motivating, and when Mark Twain was introduced to that esteemed group, he picked up on something the introducer had said and became so engrossed in it that his planned speech completely vanished from his mind.

      I think I will never embarrass myself with a set speech again [he wrote
      Twichell]. My memory is old and rickety and cannot stand the strain. But I
      had this luck. What I did was to furnish a text for a part of the splendid
      speech which was made by the greatest living orator of the European world—a
      speech which it was a great delight to listen to, although I did not
      understand any word of it, it being in Hungarian. I was glad I came, it
      was a great night, & I heard all the great men in the German tongue.
    
      I don't think I'll ever embarrass myself with a prepared speech again [he wrote to Twichell]. My memory is old and unreliable and can't handle the pressure. But I got lucky. What I did was provide a topic for part of the amazing speech delivered by the greatest living orator in Europe—a speech that was a joy to listen to, even though I didn't understand a single word of it since it was in Hungarian. I'm glad I went; it was a wonderful night, and I got to hear all the great speakers in German.

The family accompanied Clemens to Budapest, and while there met Franz, son of Louis Kossuth, and dined with him.

The family went with Clemens to Budapest, where they met Franz, the son of Louis Kossuth, and had dinner with him.

I assure you [wrote Mrs. Clemens] that I felt stirred, and I kept saying to myself “This is Louis Kossuth's son.” He came to our room one day, and we had quite a long and a very pleasant talk together. He is a man one likes immensely. He has a quiet dignity about him that is very winning. He seems to be a man highly esteemed in Hungary. If I am not mistaken, the last time I saw the old picture of his father it was hanging in a room that we turned into a music-room for Susy at the farm.

I assure you [wrote Mrs. Clemens] that I felt moved, and I kept telling myself, “This is Louis Kossuth's son.” He came to our room one day, and we had a long and really nice conversation. He’s the kind of person you really like. He has a quiet dignity about him that is very appealing. He seems to be highly respected in Hungary. If I'm not wrong, the last time I saw the old picture of his father, it was hanging in the room we turned into a music room for Susy at the farm.

They were most handsomely treated in Budapest. A large delegation greeted them on arrival, and a carriage and attendants were placed continually at their disposal. They remained several days, and Clemens showed his appreciation by giving a reading for charity.

They were treated very well in Budapest. A large group welcomed them when they arrived, and a carriage with attendants was always available for them. They stayed for several days, and Clemens expressed his gratitude by giving a charity reading.

It was hinted to Mark Twain that spring, that before leaving Vienna, it would be proper for him to pay his respects to Emperor Franz Josef, who had expressed a wish to meet him. Clemens promptly complied with the formalities and the meeting was arranged. He had a warm admiration for the Austrian Emperor, and naturally prepared himself a little for what he wanted to say to him. He claimed afterward that he had compacted a sort of speech into a single German sentence of eighteen words. He did not make use of it, however. When he arrived at the royal palace and was presented, the Emperor himself began in such an entirely informal way that it did no occur to his visitor to deliver his prepared German sentence. When he returned from the audience he said:

It was suggested to Mark Twain that before leaving Vienna, he should pay his respects to Emperor Franz Josef, who had expressed a desire to meet him. Clemens quickly followed through with the formalities, and the meeting was arranged. He had a deep admiration for the Austrian Emperor and naturally prepared a bit for what he wanted to say. He later claimed he had condensed a sort of speech into a single German sentence of eighteen words. However, he didn’t use it. When he arrived at the royal palace and was introduced, the Emperor started in such a casual manner that it didn’t even occur to Twain to deliver his prepared German sentence. When he returned from the meeting, he said:

“We got along very well. I proposed to him a plan to exterminate the human race by withdrawing the oxygen from the air for a period of two minutes. I said Szczepanik would invent it for him. I think it impressed him. After a while, in the course of our talk I remembered and told the Emperor I had prepared and memorized a very good speech but had forgotten it. He was very agreeable about it. He said a speech wasn't necessary. He seemed to be a most kind-hearted emperor, with a great deal of plain, good, attractive human nature about him. Necessarily he must have or he couldn't have unbent to me as he did. I couldn't unbend if I were an emperor. I should feel the stiffness of the position. Franz Josef doesn't feel it. He is just a natural man, although an emperor. I was greatly impressed by him, and I liked him exceedingly. His face is always the face of a pleasant man and he has a fine sense of humor. It is the Emperor's personality and the confidence all ranks have in him that preserve the real political serenity in what has an outside appearance of being the opposite. He is a man as well as an emperor—an emperor and a man.”

“We got along really well. I suggested to him a plan to wipe out the human race by cutting off the oxygen from the air for two minutes. I told him Szczepanik would invent it for him. I think it impressed him. After a while, during our conversation, I remembered that I had prepared and memorized a really good speech but had forgotten it. He was very understanding about it. He said a speech wasn't necessary. He seemed to be a genuinely kind emperor, with a lot of plain, good, appealing human qualities. He must have had those qualities, or he wouldn’t have relaxed around me like he did. I wouldn’t be able to relax if I were an emperor. I would feel the pressure of the position. Franz Josef doesn’t feel it. He’s just a real person, even though he’s an emperor. I was really impressed by him, and I liked him a lot. His face always looks pleasant, and he has a great sense of humor. It’s the Emperor’s personality and the trust that people at all levels have in him that maintain the real political calm in what might seem like the opposite. He’s a man as well as an emperor—an emperor and a person.”

Clemens and Howells were corresponding with something of the old-time frequency. The work that Mark Twain was doing—thoughtful work with serious intent—appealed strongly to Howells. He wrote:

Clemens and Howells were writing to each other with a frequency reminiscent of the old days. The work that Mark Twain was doing—thoughtful work with serious intent—really resonated with Howells. He wrote:

    You are the greatest man of your sort that ever lived, and there is
    no use saying anything else.... You have pervaded your
    century almost more than any other man of letters, if not more; and
    it is astonishing how you keep spreading.... You are my
    “shadow of a great rock in a weary land” more than any other writer.
You are the greatest man of your kind that has ever lived, and there's no point in saying otherwise.... You have influenced your century more than almost any other writer, if not more; and it's incredible how you keep expanding your reach.... You are my “shadow of a great rock in a weary land” more than any other author.

Clemens, who was reading Howells's serial, “Their Silver-Wedding journey,” then running in Harper's Magazine, responded:

Clemens, who was reading Howells's serial, “Their Silver-Wedding journey,” currently published in Harper's Magazine, replied:

    You are old enough to be a weary man with paling interests, but you
    do not show it; you do your work in the same old, delicate &
    delicious & forceful & searching & perfect way. I don't know how
    you can—but I suspect. I suspect that to you there is still
    dignity in human life, & that man is not a joke—a poor joke—the
    poorest that was ever contrived. Since I wrote my Bible—[The
    “Gospel,” What is Man?]—(last year), which Mrs. Clemens loathes &
    shudders over & will not listen to the last half nor allow me to
    print any part of it, man is not to me the respect-worthy person he
    was before, & so I have lost my pride in him & can't write gaily nor
    praisefully about him any more....

    Next morning. I have been reading the morning paper. I do it every
    morning—well knowing that I shall find in it the usual depravities
    & basenesses & hypocrisies and cruelties that make up civilization &
    cause me to put in the rest of the day pleading for the damnation of
    the human race. I cannot seem to get my prayers answered, yet I do
    not despair.
    You’re old enough to be a tired man with fading interests, but you don’t show it; you carry out your work in the same old, delicate, delicious, forceful, searching, and perfect way. I don’t know how you do it—but I have my suspicions. I suspect that for you, there’s still dignity in human life and that humanity isn’t just a joke—a pathetic joke—the worst ever made. Since I wrote my Bible—[The “Gospel,” What is Man?]—(last year), which Mrs. Clemens hates and shudders at and won’t listen to the last half of nor let me publish any part of it, I no longer see man as the respectable being he used to be, so I’ve lost my pride in him and can’t write happily or praise him anymore....

    The next morning. I’ve been reading the morning paper. I do it every morning—fully aware that I’ll find the usual evils, dishonesty, hypocrisy, and cruelty that make up civilization and lead me to spend the rest of the day praying for the damnation of the human race. I can’t seem to get my prayers answered, but I don’t lose hope.

He was not greatly changed. Perhaps he had fewer illusions and less iridescent ones, and certainly he had more sorrow; but the letters to Howells do not vary greatly from those written twenty-five years before. There is even in them a touch of the old pretense as to Mrs. Clemens's violence.

He hadn't changed much. Maybe he had fewer illusions and they weren't as colorful, and he definitely had more sorrow; but the letters to Howells are pretty similar to those written twenty-five years earlier. There's even a hint of the old pretense about Mrs. Clemens's outbursts.

      I mustn't stop to play now or I shall never get those helfiard letters
      answered. (That is not my spelling. It is Mrs. Clemens's, I have told her
      the right way a thousand times, but it does no good, she never remembers.)
    
      I shouldn't stop to play now or I'll never get those helfiard letters answered. (That's not my spelling. It's Mrs. Clemens's; I've told her the correct way a thousand times, but it doesn't help, she never remembers.)

All through this Vienna period (as during several years before and after) Henry Rogers was in full charge of Mark Twain's American affairs. Clemens wrote him almost daily, and upon every matter, small or large, that developed, or seemed likely to develop, in his undertakings. The complications growing out of the type machine and Webster failures were endless.—[“I hope to goodness I sha'n't get you into any more jobs such as the type-setter and Webster business and the Bliss-Harper campaigns have been. Oh, they were sickeners.” (Clemens to Rogers, November 15, 1898.)]—The disposal of the manuscripts alone was work for a literary agent. The consideration of proposed literary, dramatic, and financial schemes must have required not only thought, but time. Yet Mr. Rogers comfortably and genially took care of all these things and his own tremendous affairs besides, and apologized sometimes when he felt, perhaps, that he had wavered a little in his attention. Clemens once wrote him:

All throughout this time in Vienna (as during several years before and after), Henry Rogers was fully in charge of Mark Twain's business affairs in America. Clemens wrote to him almost daily about every matter, big or small, that came up or seemed likely to come up in his projects. The issues arising from the type machine and Webster failures were endless. —[“I hope to goodness I won’t get you into any more messes like the type-setter and Webster situation and the Bliss-Harper campaigns have been. Oh, they were awful.” (Clemens to Rogers, November 15, 1898.)]—Just dealing with the manuscripts alone was enough work for a literary agent. Considering the proposed literary, dramatic, and financial plans must have needed not just thought, but also time. Yet Mr. Rogers managed all of this, plus his own huge responsibilities, and sometimes apologized when he felt he might have been a little distracted. Clemens once wrote to him:

    Oh, dear me, you don't have to excuse yourself for neglecting me;
    you are entitled to the highest praise for being so limitlessly
    patient and good in bothering with my confused affairs, and pulling
    me out of a hole every little while.

    It makes me lazy, the way that Steel stock is rising. If I were
    lazier—like Rice—nothing could keep me from retiring. But I work
    right along, like a poor person. I shall figure up the rise, as the
    figures come in, and push up my literary prices accordingly, till I
    get my literature up to where nobody can afford it but the family.
    (N. B.—Look here, are you charging storage? I am not going to
    stand that, you know.) Meantime, I note those encouraging illogical
    words of yours about my not worrying because I am to be rich when I
    am 68; why didn't you have Cheiro make it 90, so that I could have
    plenty of room?

    It would be jolly good if some one should succeed in making a play
    out of “Is He Dead?”—[Clemens himself had attempted to make a play
    out of his story “Is He Dead?” and had forwarded the MS. to Rogers.
    Later he wrote: “Put 'Is He Dead?' in the fire. God will bless you.
    I too. I started to convince myself that I could write a play, or
    couldn't. I'm convinced. Nothing can disturb that conviction.”]
    —From what I gather from dramatists, he will have his hands
    something more than full—but let him struggle, let him struggle.

    Is there some way, honest or otherwise, by which you can get a copy
    of Mayo's play, “Pudd'nhead Wilson,” for me? There is a capable
    young Austrian here who saw it in New York and wants to translate it
    and see if he can stage it here. I don't think these people here
    would understand it or take to it, but he thinks it will pay us to
    try.

    A couple of London dramatists want to bargain with me for the right
    to make a high comedy out of the “Million-Pound Note.” Barkis is
    willing.
Oh, come on, you don’t need to apologize for neglecting me; you deserve all the praise for being so endlessly patient and kind in dealing with my messy situations and saving me from trouble every now and then.

It makes me lazy the way Steel stock is going up. If I were any lazier—like Rice—nothing would keep me from retiring. But I keep working like someone who’s struggling. I’ll calculate the increase as the numbers come in and raise my prices accordingly until my writing is priced so high that only family can afford it. (By the way—are you charging for storage? I’m not going to put up with that, just so you know.) In the meantime, I notice those encouraging but illogical things you said about me not worrying because I’ll be rich when I’m 68; why didn’t you ask Cheiro to make it 90, so I’d have plenty of time?

It would be great if someone could turn “Is He Dead?” into a play—[Clemens himself had tried to adapt his story “Is He Dead?” into a play and sent the manuscript to Rogers. Later he wrote: “Put 'Is He Dead?' in the fire. God will bless you. I too. I started to convince myself that I could write a play, or couldn't. I'm convinced. Nothing can disturb that conviction.”] —From what I’ve heard from playwrights, he’ll have his hands more than full—but let him struggle, let him struggle.

Is there any honest or dishonest way you can get a copy of Mayo's play, “Pudd'nhead Wilson,” for me? There’s a young Austrian here who saw it in New York and wants to translate it and see if he can put it on here. I don’t think these people would get it or be interested, but he believes it’s worth a shot.

A couple of London playwrights want to negotiate with me for the rights to turn “The Million-Pound Note” into a high comedy. Barkis is willing.

This is but one of the briefer letters. Most of them were much longer and of more elaborate requirements. Also they overflowed with the gaiety of good-fortune and with gratitude. From Vienna in 1899 Clemens wrote:

This is just one of the shorter letters. Most of them were much longer and had more complicated requests. They were also filled with the joy of good luck and gratitude. From Vienna in 1899, Clemens wrote:

    Why, it is just splendid! I have nothing to do but sit around and
    watch you set the hen and hatch out those big broods and make my
    living for me. Don't you wish you had somebody to do the same for
    you?—a magician who can turn steel and copper and Brooklyn gas into
    gold. I mean to raise your wages again—I begin to feel that I can
    afford it.

    I think the hen ought to have a name; she must be called Unberufen.
    That is a German word which is equivalent to it “sh! hush' don't let
    the spirits hear you!” The superstition is that if you happen to
    let fall any grateful jubilation over good luck that you've had or
    are hoping to have you must shut square off and say “Unberufen!” and
    knock wood. The word drives the evil spirits away; otherwise they
    would divine your joy or your hopes and go to work and spoil your
    game. Set her again—do!

    Oh, look here! You are just like everybody; merely because I am
    literary you think I'm a commercial somnambulist, and am not
    watching you with all that money in your hands. Bless you, I've got
    a description of you and a photograph in every police-office in
    Christendom, with the remark appended: “Look out for a handsome,
    tall, slender young man with a gray mustache and courtly manners and
    an address well calculated to deceive, calling himself by the name
    of Smith.” Don't you try to get away—it won't work.
    Why, it's just fantastic! All I have to do is sit around and watch you set the hen and hatch those big broods, basically making my living for me. Don’t you wish you had someone to do that for you? A magician who can turn steel and copper and Brooklyn gas into gold. I'm planning to raise your wages again—I feel like I can afford it.

    I think the hen should have a name; let's call her Unberufen. It's a German word that means “sh! hush—don't let the spirits hear you!” The superstition is that if you let out any happiness about good luck you've had or are hoping for, you have to cut it off and say “Unberufen!” and knock on wood. The word keeps the evil spirits away; otherwise, they would sense your joy or hopes and mess things up for you. Set her again—do it!

    Oh, look at you! You're just like everyone else; just because I'm literary, you think I'm a commercial sleepwalker and not keeping an eye on you with all that money in your hands. Believe me, I've got a description of you and a photo in every police station in Christendom, with the note: “Be on the lookout for a handsome, tall, slender young man with a gray mustache and charming manners and an address designed to deceive, going by the name of Smith.” Don’t even think about trying to escape—it won’t work.

From the note-book:

From the notebook:

    Midnight. At Miss Bailie's home for English governesses. Two
    comedies & some songs and ballads. Was asked to speak & did it.
    (And rung in the “Mexican Plug.”)

    A Voice. “The Princess Hohenlohe wishes you to write on her fan.”

    “With pleasure—where is she?”

    “At your elbow.”

    I turned & took the fan & said, “Your Highness's place is in a fairy
    tale; & by & by I mean to write that tale,” whereat she laughed a
    happy girlish laugh, & we moved through the crowd to get to a
    writing-table—& to get in a strong light so that I could see her
    better. Beautiful little creature, with the dearest friendly ways &
    sincerities & simplicities & sweetnesses—the ideal princess of the
    fairy tales. She is 16 or 17, I judge.

    Mental Telegraphy. Mrs. Clemens was pouring out the coffee this
    morning; I unfolded the Neue Freie Presse, began to read a paragraph
    & said:

    “They've found a new way to tell genuine gems from false——”

    “By the Roentgen ray!” she exclaimed.

    That is what I was going to say. She had not seen the paper, &
    there had been no talk about the ray or gems by herself or by me.
    It was a plain case of telegraphy.

    No man that ever lived has ever done a thing to please God
    —primarily. It was done to please himself, then God next.

    The Being who to me is the real God is the one who created this
    majestic universe & rules it. He is the only originator, the only
    originator of thoughts; thoughts suggested from within, not from
    without; the originator of colors & of all their possible
    combinations; of forces & the laws that govern them; of forms &
    shapes of all forms-man has never invented a new one. He is the
    only originator. He made the materials of all things; He made the
    laws by which, & by which only, man may combine them into the
    machines & other things which outside influences suggest to him. He
    made character—man can portray it but not “create” it, for He is
    the only creator.

    He, is the perfect artisan, the perfect artist.
    Midnight. At Miss Bailie's home for English governesses. Two comedies and some songs and ballads. I was asked to speak and I did. (And mentioned the “Mexican Plug.”)

    A Voice. “The Princess Hohenlohe wants you to write on her fan.”

    “With pleasure—where is she?”

    “Right next to you.”

    I turned and took the fan, saying, “Your Highness, you belong in a fairy tale; and soon, I plan to write that tale,” which made her laugh a delightful, girlish laugh, and we wove through the crowd to get to a writing table—so I could see her better in the bright light. A beautiful little creature, with the most charming friendly ways and genuine simplicity and sweetness—the ideal princess from fairy tales. I believe she’s around 16 or 17.

    Mental Telepathy. Mrs. Clemens was pouring coffee this morning; I opened the Neue Freie Presse, started reading a paragraph and said:

    “They’ve found a new way to tell real gems from fake—”

    “By the Roentgen ray!” she exclaimed.

    That was exactly what I was going to say. She hadn't seen the paper, and we hadn’t talked about the ray or gems at all. It was a clear case of telepathy.

    No man who ever lived has done anything to please God—primarily. It was done to please himself, and then God next.

    The Being who I consider the real God is the one who created this magnificent universe and governs it. He is the only originator, the only source of thoughts; thoughts that come from within, not from outside; the originator of colors and all their possible combinations; of forces and the laws that control them; of forms and shapes—man has never invented a new one. He is the only originator. He made the materials of all things; He created the laws by which, and only by which, man can combine them into machines and other things suggested by external influences. He made character—man can depict it but not “create” it, for He is the only creator.

    He is the perfect craftsman, the perfect artist.




CCVI. A SUMMER IN SWEDEN

A part of the tragedy of their trip around the world had been the development in Jean Clemens of a malady which time had identified as epilepsy. The loss of one daughter and the invalidism of another was the burden which this household had now to bear. Of course they did not for a moment despair of a cure for the beautiful girl who had been so cruelly stricken, and they employed any agent that promised relief.

A part of the tragedy of their trip around the world had been the development in Jean Clemens of a condition that was eventually diagnosed as epilepsy. The loss of one daughter and the illness of another was the burden this family had to bear. Of course, they never lost hope for a cure for the beautiful girl who had been so harshly affected, and they sought out any treatment that promised relief.

They decided now to go to London, in the hope of obtaining beneficial treatment. They left Vienna at the end of May, followed to the station by a great crowd, who loaded their compartment with flowers and lingered on the platform waving and cheering, some of them in tears, while the train pulled away. Leschetizky himself was among them, and Wilbrandt, the author of the Master of Palmyra, and many artists and other notables, “most of whom,” writes Mrs. Clemens, “we shall probably never see again in this world.”

They decided to go to London now, hoping to get better treatment. They left Vienna at the end of May, followed to the station by a large crowd, who filled their compartment with flowers and stayed on the platform waving and cheering, some of them in tears, as the train departed. Leschetizky was among them, along with Wilbrandt, the author of the Master of Palmyra, and many artists and other prominent figures, “most of whom,” writes Mrs. Clemens, “we will probably never see again in this world.”

Their Vienna sojourn had been one of the most brilliant periods of their life, as well as one of the saddest. The memory of Susy had been never absent, and the failing health of Jean was a gathering cloud.

Their time in Vienna had been one of the most amazing periods of their lives, as well as one of the saddest. The memory of Susy was always present, and Jean's declining health felt like a looming storm.

They stopped a day or two at Prague, where they were invited by the Prince of Thurn and Taxis to visit his castle. It gave them a glimpse of the country life of the Bohemian nobility which was most interesting. The Prince's children were entirely familiar with Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, which they had read both in English and in the translation.

They stayed a day or two in Prague, where the Prince of Thurn and Taxis invited them to visit his castle. It offered them a fascinating look at the country life of the Bohemian nobility. The Prince's kids were totally familiar with Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, which they had read in both English and the translation.

They journeyed to London by way of Cologne, arriving by the end of May. Poultney Bigelow was there, and had recently been treated with great benefit by osteopathy (then known as the Swedish movements), as practised by Heinrick Kellgren at Sanna, Sweden. Clemens was all interest concerning Kellgren's method and eager to try it for his daughter's malady. He believed she could be benefited, and they made preparation to spend some months at least in Sanna. They remained several weeks in London, where they were welcomed with hospitality extraordinary. They had hardly arrived when they were invited by Lord Salisbury to Hatfield House, and by James Bryce to Portland Place, and by Canon Wilberforce to Dean's Yard. A rather amusing incident happened at one of the luncheon-parties. Canon Wilberforce was there and left rather early. When Clemens was ready to go there was just one hat remaining. It was not his, and he suspected, by the initials on the inside, that it belonged to Canon Wilberforce. However, it fitted him exactly and he wore it away. That evening he wrote:

They traveled to London via Cologne, arriving by the end of May. Poultney Bigelow was there and had recently benefited greatly from osteopathy (then called the Swedish movements), practiced by Heinrick Kellgren in Sanna, Sweden. Clemens was very interested in Kellgren's method and eager to try it for his daughter's condition. He believed it could help her, so they prepared to spend at least a few months in Sanna. They stayed in London for several weeks, where they were welcomed with extraordinary hospitality. They had hardly arrived when they received invitations from Lord Salisbury to Hatfield House, from James Bryce to Portland Place, and from Canon Wilberforce to Dean's Yard. A rather amusing incident occurred at one of the lunch parties. Canon Wilberforce was there and left quite early. When Clemens was ready to leave, there was only one hat left. It wasn’t his, but he suspected, based on the initials inside, that it belonged to Canon Wilberforce. However, it fit him perfectly, so he wore it home. That evening, he wrote:

                  PRINCE OF WALES HOTEL, DE VERE GARDENS,
                                July,3, 1899.
                  PRINCE OF WALES HOTEL, DE VERE GARDENS,
                                July 3, 1899.

DEAR CANON WILBERFORCE,—It is 8 P.M. During the past four hours I have not been able to take anything that did not belong to me; during all that time I have not been able to stretch a fact beyond the frontiers of truth try as I might, & meantime, not only my morals have moved the astonishment of all who have come in contact with me, but my manners have gained more compliments than they have been accustomed to. This mystery is causing my family much alarm. It is difficult to account for it. I find I haven't my own hat. Have you developed any novelties of conduct since you left Mr. Murray's, & have they been of a character to move the concern of your friends? I think it must be this that has put me under this happy charm; but, oh dear! I tremble for the other man!

DEAR CANON WILBERFORCE, — It's 8 PM. For the past four hours, I haven't been able to take anything that wasn't mine; during that time, I've also been unable to stretch the truth, no matter how hard I tried. Meanwhile, not only have my morals surprised everyone I've come into contact with, but my manners have received more compliments than I'm used to. This mystery is causing a lot of worry for my family. It's hard to explain. I realized I don't have my own hat. Have you picked up any unusual behaviors since you left Mr. Murray's, and have they concerned your friends? I think whatever it is that has put me under this lucky spell must be related to that; but, oh dear! I worry about the other man!

                         Sincerely yours,
                                   S. L. CLEMENS.
Best regards,  
                                   S. L. CLEMENS.

Scarcely was this note on its way to Wilberforce when the following one arrived, having crossed it in transit:

Scarcely had this note been sent to Wilberforce when the next one arrived, having crossed it on the way:

July 3, 1899.

July 3, 1899.

DEAR MR. CLEMENS,—I have been conscious of a vivacity and facility of
expression this afternoon beyond the normal and I have just discovered
the reason!! I have seen the historic signature “Mark Twain” in my hat!!
Doubtless you have been suffering from a corresponding dullness & have
wondered why. I departed precipitately, the hat stood on my umbrella and
was a new Lincoln & Bennett—it fitted me exactly and I did not discover
the mistake till I got in this afternoon. Please forgive me. If you
should be passing this way to-morrow will you look in and change hats?
or shall I send it to the hotel?

                     I am, very sincerely yrs.,
20 Dean's Yard. BASIL WILBERFORCE.
DEAR MR. CLEMENS,—I've had an unusual energy and ease of expression this afternoon, and I've just figured out why!! I found the famous signature “Mark Twain” in my hat!! You must have been feeling a corresponding dullness and wondered why. I rushed out, the hat was on my umbrella and was a new Lincoln & Bennett—it fit me perfectly, and I didn’t realize the mix-up until I got in this afternoon. Please forgive me. If you’re passing by tomorrow, could you swing by and swap hats? Or should I send it to the hotel?

                     I am, very sincerely yours,  
20 Dean's Yard. BASIL WILBERFORCE.

Clemens was demanded by all the bohemian clubs, the White Friars, the Vagabonds, the Savage, the Beefsteak, and the Authors. He spoke to them, and those “Mark Twain Evenings” have become historic occasions in each of the several institutions that gave him welcome. At the Vagabonds he told them the watermelon story, and at the White Friars he reviewed the old days when he had been elected to that society; “days,” he said, “when all Londoners were talking about nothing else than that they had discovered Livingstone, and that the lost Sir Roger Tichborne had been found and they were trying him for it.”

Clemens was invited by all the bohemian clubs, the White Friars, the Vagabonds, the Savage, the Beefsteak, and the Authors. He spoke to them, and those “Mark Twain Evenings” have become memorable events at each of the various organizations that welcomed him. At the Vagabonds, he shared the watermelon story, and at the White Friars, he reminisced about the old days when he was elected to that society; “days,” he said, “when everyone in London was talking about nothing else but the discovery of Livingstone and the trial of the lost Sir Roger Tichborne."

At the Savage Club, too, he recalled old times and old friends, and particularly that first London visit, his days in the club twenty-seven years before.

At the Savage Club, he also reminisced about the past and old friends, especially that first trip to London and his days at the club twenty-seven years ago.

“I was 6 feet 4 in those days,” he said. “Now I am 5 feet 8 1/2 and daily diminishing in altitude, and the shrinkage of my principles goes on .... Irving was here then, is here now. Stanley is here, and Joe Hatton, but Charles Reade is gone and Tom Hood and Harry Lee and Canon Kingsley. In those days you could have carried Kipling around in a lunch-basket; now he fills the world. I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher.”

“I was 6 feet 4 back then,” he said. “Now I’m 5 feet 8 1/2 and getting shorter every day, and my principles are shrinking too... Irving was here then, and he’s still here now. Stanley is around, and so is Joe Hatton, but Charles Reade is gone, along with Tom Hood, Harry Lee, and Canon Kingsley. Back in those days, you could have taken Kipling around in a lunchbox; now he’s everywhere. I was young and naive then; now I’m old and even more foolish.”

At the Authors Club he paid a special tribute to Rudyard Kipling, whose dangerous illness in New York City and whose daughter's death had aroused the anxiety and sympathy of the entire American nation. It had done much to bring England and America closer together, Clemens said. Then he added that he had been engaged the past eight days compiling a pun and had brought it there to lay at their feet, not to ask for their indulgence, but for their applause. It was this:

At the Authors Club, he paid a special tribute to Rudyard Kipling, whose serious illness in New York City and his daughter's death had caused worry and compassion throughout the entire American nation. This had helped to bring England and America closer together, Clemens said. He then mentioned that he had spent the last eight days putting together a pun and had come there to present it, not to seek their forgiveness, but for their applause. It was this:

“Since England and America have been joined in Kipling, may they not be severed in Twain.”

“Since England and America have been united in Kipling, may they not be divided in Twain.”

Hundreds of puns had been made on his pen-name, but this was probably his first and only attempt, and it still remains the best.

Hundreds of jokes had been made about his pen name, but this was probably his first and only attempt, and it still stands out as the best.

They arrived in Sweden early in July and remained until October. Jean was certainly benefited by the Kellgren treatment, and they had for a time the greatest hopes of her complete recovery. Clemens became enthusiastic over osteopathy, and wrote eloquently to every one, urging each to try the great new curative which was certain to restore universal health. He wrote long articles on Kellgren and his science, largely justified, no doubt, for certainly miraculous benefits were recorded; though Clemens was not likely to underestimate a thing which appealed to both his imagination and his reason. Writing to Twichell he concluded, with his customary optimism over any new benefit:

They arrived in Sweden early in July and stayed until October. Jean definitely benefited from the Kellgren treatment, and for a while, they had high hopes for her complete recovery. Clemens got really excited about osteopathy and wrote passionately to everyone, encouraging them to try this amazing new cure that was sure to restore full health. He penned long articles about Kellgren and his methods, which were mostly justified, as numerous miraculous benefits were reported; although it’s true that Clemens was unlikely to downplay something that appealed to both his imagination and his rationale. In a letter to Twichell, he wrapped up with his usual optimism about any new benefit:

    Ten years hence no sane man will call a doctor except when the knife
    must be used—& such cases will be rare. The educated physician
    will himself be an osteopath. Dave will become one after he has
    finished his medical training. Young Harmony ought to become one
    now. I do not believe there is any difference between Kellgren's
    science and osteopathy; but I am sending to America to find out. I
    want osteopathy to prosper; it is common sense & scientific, & cures
    a wider range of ailments than the doctor's methods can reach.
    In ten years, no sane person will call a doctor unless surgery is absolutely necessary—and those cases will be rare. The educated physician will be an osteopath. Dave will become one after he completes his medical training. Young Harmony should become one now. I don't think there's any difference between Kellgren's science and osteopathy; but I'm sending to America to verify. I want osteopathy to succeed; it's common sense and scientific, and it treats a wider range of ailments than traditional medical methods can address.

Twichell was traveling in Europe that summer, and wrote from Switzerland:

Twichell was traveling in Europe that summer and wrote from Switzerland:

    I seemed ever and anon to see you and me swinging along those
    glorious Alpine woods, staring at the new unfoldings of splendor
    that every turn brought into view-talking, talking, endlessly
    talking the days through-days forever memorable to me. That was
    twenty-one years ago; think of it! We were youngsters then, Mark,
    and how keen our relish of everything was! Well, I can enjoy myself
    now; but not with that zest and rapture. Oh, a lot of items of our
    tramp travel in 1878 that I had long forgotten came back to me as we
    sped through that enchanted region, and if I wasn't on duty with
    Venice I'd stop and set down some of them, but Venice must be
    attended to. For one thing, there is Howells's book to be read at
    such intervals as can be snatched from the quick-time march on which
    our rustling leader keeps us. However, in Venice so far we want to
    be gazing pretty steadily from morning till night, and by the grace
    of the gondola we can do it without exhaustion. Really I am drunk
    with Venice.
I find myself frequently imagining you and me strolling through those amazing Alpine woods, admiring the new beauties that appeared at every turn—talking, talking, endlessly talking away the days—days I will always cherish. That was twenty-one years ago; can you believe it? We were young back then, Mark, and we appreciated everything so much! I can have fun now, but it's not with the same excitement and joy. So many memories from our hiking trip in 1878 that I had completely forgotten came rushing back as we passed through that magical area. If I weren't busy with Venice, I would stop and write some of them down, but Venice needs my attention. For one thing, I need to read Howells's book whenever I can snatch a moment away from the fast-paced rhythm our energetic leader keeps us on. So far in Venice, we want to keep gazing pretty much from morning till night, and thankfully, the gondola allows us to do that without getting tired. Honestly, I feel overwhelmed with joy in Venice.

But Clemens was full of Sweden. The skies there and the sunsets he thought surpassed any he had ever known. On an evening in September he wrote:

But Clemens was all about Sweden. He believed the skies and sunsets there were better than any he had ever experienced. One evening in September, he wrote:

    DEAR JOE,—I've no business in here-I ought to be outside. I shall
    never see another sunset to begin with it this side of heaven.
    Venice? land, what a poor interest that is! This is the place to
    be. I have seen about 60 sunsets here; & a good 40 of them were
    away & beyond anything I had ever imagined before for dainty &
    exquisite & marvelous beauty & infinite change & variety. America?
    Italy? the tropics? They have no notion of what a sunset ought to
    be. And this one—this unspeakable wonder! It discounts all the
    rest. It brings the tears, it is so unutterably beautiful.
DEAR JOE,—I shouldn't be inside right now—I should be outside. I’ll never see another sunset like this on this side of heaven. Venice? Seriously, what a boring place! This is where it's at. I've watched about 60 sunsets here; at least 40 of them were beyond anything I could have ever imagined in terms of delicate, stunning, and incredible beauty and endless change and variety. America? Italy? The tropics? They have no idea what a sunset is supposed to be. And this one—this indescribable wonder! It puts all the others to shame. It's so unbelievably beautiful it brings tears to my eyes.

Clemens read a book during his stay in Sweden which interested him deeply. It was the Open Question, by Elizabeth Robbins—a fine study of life's sterner aspects. When he had finished he was moved to write the author this encouraging word:

Clemens read a book during his time in Sweden that really intrigued him. It was *The Open Question* by Elizabeth Robbins—a great exploration of the tougher parts of life. After he finished, he felt inspired to write the author this encouraging note:

    DEAR MISS ROBBINS,—A relative of Matthew Arnold lent us your 'Open
    Question' the other day, and Mrs. Clemens and I are in your debt. I
    am not able to put in words my feeling about the book—my admiration
    of its depth and truth and wisdom and courage, and the fine and
    great literary art and grace of the setting. At your age you cannot
    have lived the half of the things that are in the book, nor
    personally penetrated to the deeps it deals in, nor covered its wide
    horizons with your very own vision—and so, what is your secret?
    how have you written this miracle? Perhaps one must concede that
    genius has no youth, but starts with the ripeness of age and old
    experience.

    Well, in any case, I am grateful to you. I have not been so
    enriched by a book for many years, nor so enchanted by one. I seem
    to be using strong language; still, I have weighed it.

                         Sincerely yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.
    DEAR MISS ROBBINS,—A relative of Matthew Arnold lent us your 'Open Question' the other day, and Mrs. Clemens and I are truly grateful. I can't express how I feel about the book—how much I admire its depth, truth, wisdom, and courage, as well as the beautiful literary style and elegance of its presentation. At your age, you can't have experienced half of what’s in the book, nor fully explored the deep themes it tackles, or covered its vast horizons with your own perspective—so, what’s your secret? How did you create this miracle? Maybe we have to accept that genius doesn’t have an age; it can emerge with the maturity and experience of old age.

    In any case, I am thankful to you. I haven't felt so enriched by a book in many years, nor so enchanted by one. I know I’m using strong language; yet, I’ve considered it carefully.

                         Sincerely yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.




CCVII. 30, WELLINGTON COURT

Clemens himself took the Kellgren treatment and received a good deal of benefit.

Clemens himself underwent the Kellgren treatment and gained a lot of benefit from it.

“I have come back in sound condition and braced for work,” he wrote MacAlister, upon his return to London. “A long, steady, faithful siege of it, and I begin now in five minutes.”

“I’ve returned in good shape and ready to work,” he wrote to MacAlister upon his return to London. “It’s been a long, consistent, and dedicated effort, and I’m starting now in five minutes.”

They had settled in a small apartment at 30, Wellington Court, Albert Gate, where they could be near the London branch of the Kellgren institution, and he had a workroom with Chatto & Windus, his publishers. His work, however, was mainly writing speeches, for he was entertained constantly, and it seemed impossible for him to escape. His note-book became a mere jumble of engagements. He did write an article or a story now and then, one of which, “My First Lie, and How I Got Out of It,” was made the important Christmas feature of the 'New York Sunday World.'—[Now included in the Hadleyburg volume; “Complete Works.”]

They had moved into a small apartment at 30 Wellington Court, Albert Gate, so they could be close to the London branch of the Kellgren institution, and he had a workspace with Chatto & Windus, his publishers. However, most of his work involved writing speeches, as he was constantly socializing, making it seem impossible for him to find time to break away. His notebook turned into a chaotic mix of commitments. He did manage to write an article or a story every now and then, one of which, “My First Lie, and How I Got Out of It,” became the featured Christmas piece for the 'New York Sunday World.'—[Now included in the Hadleyburg volume; “Complete Works.”]

Another article of this time was the “St. Joan of Arc,” which several years later appeared in Harper's Magazine. This article was originally written as the Introduction of the English translation of the official record of the trials and rehabilitation of Joan, then about to be elaborately issued. Clemens was greatly pleased at being invited to prepare the Introduction of this important volume, but a smug person with pedagogic proclivities was in charge of the copy and proceeded to edit Mark Twain's manuscript; to alter its phrasing to conform to his own ideas of the Queen's English. Then he had it all nicely typewritten, and returned it to show how much he had improved it, and to receive thanks and compliments. He did not receive any thanks. Clemens recorded a few of the remarks that he made when he saw his edited manuscript:

Another article from that time was “St. Joan of Arc,” which several years later appeared in Harper's Magazine. This article was originally written as the Introduction for the English translation of the official record of the trials and rehabilitation of Joan, which was about to be elaborately published. Clemens was thrilled to be invited to write the Introduction for this important volume, but a self-satisfied person with a teaching background was in charge of the text and decided to edit Mark Twain's manuscript to fit his own views of proper English. Then he had it all neatly typed up and returned it to show how much he had improved it, expecting thanks and compliments in return. He didn’t receive any thanks. Clemens noted a few of the comments he made when he saw his edited manuscript:

    I will not deny that my feelings rose to 104 in the shade. “The
    idea! That this long-eared animal this literary kangaroo this
    illiterate hostler with his skull full of axle-grease—this.....”
     But I stopped there, for this was not the Christian spirit.
    I won’t deny that my feelings skyrocketed. “The idea! That this long-eared animal, this literary kangaroo, this illiterate stable worker with his head full of grease—this.....” But I stopped there, because this wasn’t the right attitude.

His would-be editor received a prompt order to return the manuscript, after which Clemens wrote a letter, some of which will go very well here.

His potential editor quickly got a request to send the manuscript back, after which Clemens wrote a letter, parts of which will fit in nicely here.

    DEAR MR. X.,—I have examined the first page of my amended
    Introduction,—& will begin now & jot down some notes upon your
    corrections. If I find any changes which shall not seem to me to be
    improvements I will point out my reasons for thinking so. In this
    way I may chance to be helpful to you, & thus profit you perhaps as
    much as you have desired to profit me.

    First Paragraph. “Jeanne d'Arc.” This is rather cheaply pedantic,
    & is not in very good taste. Joan is not known by that name among
    plain people of our race & tongue. I notice that the name of the
    Deity occurs several times in the brief instalment of the Trials
    which you have favored me with. To be consistent, it will be
    necessary that you strike out “God” & put in “Dieu.” Do not neglect
    this.

    Second Paragraph. Now you have begun on my punctuation. Don't you
    realize that you ought not to intrude your help in a delicate art
    like that with your limitations? And do you think that you have
    added just the right smear of polish to the closing clause of the
    sentence?

    Third Paragraph. Ditto.

    Fourth Paragraph. Your word “directly” is misleading; it could be
    construed to mean “at once.” Plain clarity is better than ornate
    obscurity. I note your sensitive marginal remark: “Rather unkind to
    French feelings—referring to Moscow.” Indeed I have not been
    concerning myself about French feelings, but only about stating the
    facts. I have said several uncourteous things about the French
    —calling them a “nation of ingrates” in one place—but you have
    been so busy editing commas & semicolons that you overlooked them &
    failed to get scared at them. The next paragraph ends with a slur
    at the French, but I have reasons for thinking you mistook it for a
    compliment. It is discouraging to try to penetrate a mind like
    yours. You ought to get it out & dance on it.

    That would take some of the rigidity out of it. And you ought to
    use it sometimes; that would help. If you had done this every now &
    then along through life it would not have petrified.

    Fifth Paragraph. Thus far I regard this as your masterpiece! You
    are really perfect in the great art of reducing simple & dignified
    speech to clumsy & vapid commonplace.

    Sixth Paragraph. You have a singularly fine & aristocratic
    disrespect for homely & unpretending English. Every time I use “go
    back” you get out your polisher & slick it up to “return.” “Return”
     is suited only to the drawing-room—it is ducal, & says itself with
    a simper & a smirk.

    Seventh Paragraph. “Permission” is ducal. Ducal and affected.
    “Her” great days were not “over,” they were only half over. Didn't
    you know that? Haven't you read anything at all about Joan of Arc?
    The truth is you do not pay any attention; I told you on my very
    first page that the public part of her career lasted two years, &
    you have forgotten it already. You really must get your mind out
    and have it repaired; you see yourself that it is all caked
    together.

    Eighth Paragraph. She “rode away to assault & capture a
    stronghold.” Very well; but you do not tell us whether she
    succeeded or not. You should not worry the reader with
    uncertainties like that. I will remind you once more that clarity
    is a good thing in literature. An apprentice cannot do better than
    keep this useful rule in mind.

    Ninth Paragraph. “Known” history. That word has a polish which is
    too indelicate for me; there doesn't seem to be any sense in it.
    This would have surprised me last week.

   ... “Breaking a lance” is a knightly & sumptuous phrase, & I
    honor it for its hoary age & for the faithful service it has done in
    the prize-composition of the school-girl, but I have ceased from
    employing it since I got my puberty, & must solemnly object to
    fathering it here. And, besides, it makes me hint that I have
    broken one of those things before in honor of the Maid, an
    intimation not justified by the facts. I did not break any lances
    or other furniture; I only wrote a book about her.

                         Truly yours,
                                MARK TWAIN.

    It cost me something to restrain myself and say these smooth & half-
    flattering things of this immeasurable idiot, but I did it, & have
    never regretted it. For it is higher & nobler to be kind to even a
    shad like him than just.... I could have said hundreds of
    unpleasant things about this tadpole, but I did not even feel them.
    DEAR MR. X.,—I've looked over the first page of my updated Introduction, and I'll start making some notes on your corrections now. If I find any changes that I don't think improve the text, I'll explain my reasons. This way, I might be able to help you, and hopefully benefit you as much as you intended to benefit me.

    First Paragraph. “Jeanne d'Arc.” This sounds a bit pretentious and isn't very tasteful. Most ordinary people in our culture don't refer to her by that name. I noticed the name of God appears several times in the brief excerpt of the Trials you've shared with me. To be consistent, you should replace “God” with “Dieu.” Please don’t overlook this.

    Second Paragraph. Now you've started messing with my punctuation. Don't you realize that you shouldn't meddle in such a subtle art with your limited understanding? Do you really think you've added just the right touch to the final part of the sentence?

    Third Paragraph. Same issue.

    Fourth Paragraph. The word “directly” is misleading; it could be read as “immediately.” Clear and straightforward language is better than elaborate confusion. I noticed your sensitive comment in the margins: “Rather unkind to French feelings—referring to Moscow.” Honestly, I haven’t been concerned about French sentiments, only about stating the facts. I’ve made several rather rude comments about the French—calling them a “nation of ingrates” in one instance—but you've been so busy editing commas and semicolons that you missed them and didn’t seem alarmed. The next paragraph ends with a jab at the French, but I suspect you mistook it for praise. It's frustrating to try to engage with your way of thinking. You really ought to loosen up.

    That would help relieve some of the stiffness. You should allow yourself to relax sometimes; it would help. If you had done this now and then throughout your life, you wouldn’t be so rigid.

    Fifth Paragraph. So far, I see this as your best work! You truly excel at turning clear and dignified speech into clumsy and bland clichés.

    Sixth Paragraph. You have a remarkable and aristocratic disdain for straightforward and simple English. Every time I say “go back,” you polish it up to “return.” “Return” feels overly formal—it sounds aristocratic and comes across with a smirk.

    Seventh Paragraph. “Permission” is overly formal. It sounds pretentious. “Her” great days weren't “over,” they were only halfway through. Didn’t you know that? Haven't you read anything about Joan of Arc? The truth is you don’t pay any attention; I mentioned on my very first page that her public career lasted two years, and you’ve already forgotten it. You really need to clear your head and get it fixed; it's clear it's all stuck together.

    Eighth Paragraph. She “rode away to assault and capture a stronghold.” Fine, but you don't tell us whether she succeeded or not. You shouldn't leave the reader hanging with uncertainties like that. Let me remind you again that clarity is important in literature. An apprentice would do well to keep this useful rule in mind.

    Ninth Paragraph. “Known” history. That term feels overly glossy and makes no real sense. This would have surprised me last week.

   ... “Breaking a lance” is an extravagant and knightly phrase, and I appreciate it for its long history and its use in school essays, but I stopped using it since I grew up and must seriously object to including it here. Besides, it implies that I’ve broken one of those things in honor of the Maid, which isn’t true. I didn’t break any lances or anything else; I just wrote a book about her.

                         Truly yours,
                                MARK TWAIN.

    It took some effort to hold back and say these smooth and somewhat flattering things about this monumental fool, but I did it, and I've never regretted it. Because it's more virtuous and noble to be kind to even an idiot like him than to just... I could have said hundreds of unpleasant things about this tadpole, but I didn’t even feel the urge.

Yet, in the end, he seems not to have sent the letter. Writing it had served every purpose.

Yet, in the end, he doesn't seem to have sent the letter. Writing it fulfilled every purpose.

An important publishing event of 1899 was the issue by the American Publishing Company of Mark Twain's “Complete Works in Uniform Edition.” Clemens had looked forward to the day when this should be done, perhaps feeling that an assembling of his literary family in symmetrical dress constituted a sort of official recognition of his authorship. Brander Matthews was selected to write the Introduction and prepared a fine “Biographical Criticism,” which pleased Clemens, though perhaps he did not entirely agree with its views. Himself of a different cast of mind, he nevertheless admired Matthews.

An important publishing event of 1899 was the release by the American Publishing Company of Mark Twain's “Complete Works in Uniform Edition.” Clemens had eagerly anticipated this day, perhaps believing that bringing together his literary family in a cohesive format represented some form of official acknowledgment of his authorship. Brander Matthews was chosen to write the Introduction and created a well-crafted “Biographical Criticism,” which pleased Clemens, although he may not have completely agreed with its perspectives. Despite having a different mindset, he still admired Matthews.

Writing to Twichell he said:

He wrote to Twichell:

    When you say, “I like Brander Matthews, he impresses me as a man of
    parts & power,” I back you, right up to the hub—I feel the same
    way. And when you say he has earned your gratitude for cuffing me
    for my crimes against the Leather-stockings & the Vicar I ain't
    making any objection. Dern your gratitude!

    His article is as sound as a nut. Brander knows literature & loves
    it; he can talk about it & keep his temper; he can state his case so
    lucidly & so fairly & so forcibly that you have to agree with him
    even when you don't agree with him; & he can discover & praise such
    merits as a book has even when they are merely half a dozen diamonds
    scattered through an acre of mud. And so he has a right to be a
    critic.

    To detail just the opposite of the above invoice is to describe me.
    I haven't any right to criticize books, & I don't do it except when
    I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books
    madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; &
    therefore I have to stop every time I begin.'—[Once at a dinner
    given to Matthews, Mark Twain made a speech which consisted almost
    entirely of intonations of the name “Brander Matthews” to express
    various shades of human emotion. It would be hopeless, of course,
    to attempt to convey in print any idea of this effort, which, by
    those who heard it, is said to have been a masterpiece of
    vocalization.]
When you say, “I like Brander Matthews, he impresses me as a man of parts & power,” I completely agree with you—I feel the same way. And when you mention he has earned your gratitude for calling me out for my crimes against the Leather-stocking & the Vicar, I’m not going to object. Darn your gratitude!

His article is solid. Brander understands literature and loves it; he can discuss it while keeping his cool. He can present his arguments so clearly, fairly, and convincingly that you find yourself agreeing with him even when you don’t actually agree; and he can find and appreciate the strengths in a book, even if they’re just a few diamonds scattered through a sea of mud. So, he has every right to be a critic.

To describe me is to do the exact opposite of what I just said. I have no right to criticize books and I don’t unless I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books frustrate me so much that I can’t hide my anger from the reader; so I have to stop every time I start. —[Once at a dinner given to Matthews, Mark Twain made a speech that consisted almost entirely of variations on the name “Brander Matthews” to express different emotions. It would be pointless, of course, to try to capture this effort in writing, which those who heard it said was a masterpiece of vocal expression.]

Clemens also introduced the “Uniform Edition” with an Author's Preface, the jurisdiction of which, he said, was “restricted to furnishing reasons for the publication of the collection as a whole.”

Clemens also introduced the “Uniform Edition” with an Author's Preface, which he said was “limited to providing reasons for publishing the collection as a whole.”

    This is not easy to do. Aside from the ordinary commercial reasons
    I find none that I can offer with dignity: I cannot say without
    immodesty that the books have merit; I cannot say without immodesty
    that the public want a “Uniform Edition”; I cannot say without
    immodesty that a “Uniform Edition” will turn the nation toward high
    ideals & elevated thought; I cannot say without immodesty that a
    “Uniform Edition” will eradicate crime, though I think it will. I
    find no reason that I can offer without immodesty except the rather
    poor one that I should like to see a “Uniform Edition” myself. It
    is nothing; a cat could say it about her kittens. Still, I believe
    I will stand upon that. I have to have a Preface & a reason, by law
    of custom, & the reason which I am putting forward is at least
    without offense.
    This isn’t easy to do. Other than the usual commercial reasons, I can't provide any that I can present with dignity: I can’t say without sounding arrogant that the books have value; I can’t say without sounding arrogant that the public wants a “Uniform Edition”; I can’t say without sounding arrogant that a “Uniform Edition” will inspire the nation toward high ideals and elevated thoughts; I can’t say without sounding arrogant that a “Uniform Edition” will eliminate crime, although I believe it could. I can’t offer any reason without sounding arrogant except the rather weak one that I would like to see a “Uniform Edition” myself. It’s a trivial point; a cat could claim the same about her kittens. Still, I think I’ll stick with that. I feel I need a Preface and a reason, as is customary, and the reason I’m putting forward is at least not offensive.




CCVIII. MARK TWAIN AND THE WARS

English troubles in South Africa came to a head that autumn. On the day when England's ultimatum to the Boers expired Clemens wrote:

English troubles in South Africa reached a breaking point that autumn. On the day when England's ultimatum to the Boers ran out, Clemens wrote:

    LONDON, 3.07 P.m., Wednesday, October 11, 1899. The time is up!
    Without a doubt the first shot in the war is being fired to-day in
    South Africa at this moment. Some man had to be the first to fall;
    he has fallen. Whose heart is broken by this murder? For, be he
    Boer or be he Briton, it is murder, & England committed it by the
    hand of Chamberlain & the Cabinet, the lackeys of Cecil Rhodes & his
    Forty Thieves, the South Africa Company.
    LONDON, 3:07 PM, Wednesday, October 11, 1899. The time is up!  
    Without a doubt, the first shot in the war is being fired today in South Africa at this moment. Someone had to be the first to fall; he has fallen. Whose heart is shattered by this killing? For, whether he is Boer or Brit, it is murder, and England committed it through the actions of Chamberlain and the Cabinet, the servants of Cecil Rhodes and his Forty Thieves, the South Africa Company.

Mark Twain would naturally sympathize with the Boer—the weaker side, the man defending his home. He knew that for the sake of human progress England must conquer and must be upheld, but his heart was all the other way. In January, 1900, he wrote a characteristic letter to Twichell, which conveys pretty conclusively his sentiments concerning the two wars then in progress.

Mark Twain would definitely sympathize with the Boer—the underdog, the person fighting to protect his home. He understood that for the sake of human progress, England needed to win and be supported, but his feelings were completely the opposite. In January 1900, he wrote a typical letter to Twichell, which clearly expresses his views on the two wars happening at that time.

    DEAR JOE,—Apparently we are not proposing to set the Filipinos free
    & give their islands to them; & apparently we are not proposing to
    hang the priests & confiscate their property. If these things are
    so the war out there has no interest for me.

    I have just been examining Chapter LXX of Following the Equator to
    see if the Boer's old military effectiveness is holding out. It
    reads curiously as if it had been written about the present war.

    I believe that in the next chapter my notion of the Boer was rightly
    conceived. He is popularly called uncivilized; I do not know why.
    Happiness, food, shelter, clothing, wholesome labor, modest &
    rational ambitions, honesty, kindliness, hospitality, love of
    freedom & limitless courage to fight for it, composure & fortitude
    in time of disaster, patience in time of hardship & privation,
    absence of noise & brag in time of victory, contentment with humble
    & peaceful life void of insane excitements—if there is a higher &
    better form of civilization than this I am not aware of it & do not
    know where to look for it. I suppose that we have the habit of
    imagining that a lot of artistic & intellectual & other
    artificialities must be added or it isn't complete. We & the
    English have these latter; but as we lack the great bulk of those
    others I think the Boer civilization is the best of the two. My
    idea of our civilization is that it is a shoddy, poor thing & full
    of cruelties, vanities, arrogancies, meannesses, & hypocrisies.

    Provided we could get something better in the place of it. But that
    is not possible perhaps. Poor as it is, it is better than real
    savagery, therefore we must stand by it, extend it, & (in public)
    praise it. And so we must not utter any hurtful word about England
    in these days, nor fail to hope that she will win in this war, for
    her defeat & fall would be an irremediable disaster for the mangy
    human race. Naturally, then, I am for England; but she is
    profoundly in the wrong, Joe, & no (instructed) Englishman doubts
    it. At least that is my belief.
DEAR JOE,—It looks like we’re not planning to set the Filipinos free or give them their islands back; and it seems we’re not suggesting we should execute the priests and take their property. If that's the case, then I have no interest in the war over there.

I’ve just been looking at Chapter LXX of Following the Equator to see if the Boer’s old military effectiveness is still relevant. It oddly sounds like it was written about the current war.

I think my understanding of the Boer in the next chapter is accurate. He’s often labeled as uncivilized; I don’t understand why. Happiness, food, shelter, clothing, meaningful work, humble and rational ambitions, honesty, kindness, hospitality, a love of freedom, and the courage to fight for it, along with composure and strength in times of disaster, patience during hardship and deprivation, a lack of noise and boasting in victory, and contentment with a simple and peaceful life free of wild excitement—if there’s a higher and better form of civilization than this, I’m not aware of it and don’t know where to find it. I suppose we tend to think that a lot of artistic, intellectual, and other artificial elements must be added for it to be complete. We and the English have those extras; but since we lack the essential qualities they have, I believe the Boer civilization is superior. My view of our civilization is that it's a shabby, poor thing, full of cruelty, vanity, arrogance, meanness, and hypocrisy.

Provided we could get something better to replace it. But that’s probably not possible. Poor as it is, it’s still better than true savagery, so we have to stick with it, promote it, and (in public) praise it. Therefore, we must not say anything negative about England these days, nor fail to hope that she wins this war, because her defeat and downfall would be a terrible disaster for humanity. Naturally, I’m backing England; but she is fundamentally in the wrong, Joe, and no informed Englishman questions that. At least that’s what I believe.

Writing to Howells somewhat later, he calls the conflict in South Africa, a “sordid and criminal war,” and says that every day he is writing (in his head) bitter magazine articles against it.

Writing to Howells a bit later, he describes the conflict in South Africa as a “sordid and criminal war,” and mentions that every day he finds himself composing (in his head) angry magazine articles opposing it.

    But I have to stop with that. Even if wrong—& she is wrong—England
    must be upheld. He is an enemy of the human race who shall speak
    against her now. Why was the human race created? Or at least why
    wasn't something creditable created in place of it?... I talk
    the war with both sides—always waiting until the other man
    introduces the topic. Then I say, “My head is with the Briton, but
    my heart & such rags of morals as I have are with the Boer—now we
    will talk, unembarrassed and without prejudice.” And so we discuss
    & have no trouble.

    I notice that God is on both sides in this war; thus history repeats
    itself. But I am the only person who has noticed this; everybody
    here thinks He is playing the game for this side, & for this side
    only.
But I have to stop that. Even if I’m wrong—and I am wrong—England has to be supported. Anyone who speaks against her now is an enemy of humanity. Why was humanity created? Or at least, why wasn’t something better created instead?... I handle the discussion of the war from both perspectives—always waiting for the other person to bring it up first. Then I say, “My mind is with the British, but my heart and whatever morals I have left are with the Boers—now we can talk openly and without bias.” And so we discuss it without any issues.

I notice that God seems to be on both sides in this war; history is repeating itself. But I’m the only one who has noticed this; everyone else here believes He is only playing for this side.

Clemens wrote one article for anonymous publication in the Times. But when the manuscript was ready to mail in an envelope stamped and addressed to Moberly Bell—he reconsidered and withheld it. It still lies in the envelope with the accompanying letter, which says:

Clemens wrote one article for anonymous publication in the Times. But when the manuscript was ready to be mailed in an envelope stamped and addressed to Moberly Bell, he had second thoughts and decided not to send it. It still sits in the envelope with the accompanying letter, which says:

Don't give me away, whether you print it or not. But I think you ought to print it and get up a squabble, for the weather is just suitable.

Don't let anyone know, whether you publish it or not. But I think you should publish it and stir up some trouble, because the weather is just right.





CCIX. PLASMON, AND A NEW MAGAZINE

Clemens was not wholly wedded to osteopathy. The financial interest which he had taken in the new milk albumen, “a food for invalids,” tended to divide his faith and make him uncertain as to which was to be the chief panacea for all ills—osteopathy or plasmon.

Clemens wasn't fully committed to osteopathy. His financial investment in the new milk albumen, “a food for invalids,” made him unsure and divided his belief about which would be the ultimate remedy for all ailments—osteopathy or plasmon.

MacAlister, who was deeply interested in the plasmon fortunes, was anxious to get the product adopted by the army. He believed, if he could get an interview with the Medical Director-General, he could convince him of its merits. Discussing the matter with Clemens, the latter said:

MacAlister, who was really interested in the plasmon potential, was eager to get the product approved by the army. He thought that if he could secure a meeting with the Medical Director-General, he could persuade him of its benefits. While talking about the issue with Clemens, the latter said:

“MacAlister, you are going at it from the wrong end. You can't go direct to that man, a perfect stranger, and convince him of anything. Who is his nearest friend?”

“MacAlister, you're approaching this the wrong way. You can't just go straight to that guy, a complete stranger, and convince him of anything. Who is his closest friend?”

MacAlister knew a man on terms of social intimacy with the official.

MacAlister knew a guy who was socially close to the official.

Clemens said, “That is the man to speak to the Director-General.”

Clemens said, “That’s the person to talk to the Director-General.”

“But I don't know him, either,” said MacAlister.

“But I don't know him, either,” MacAlister said.

“Very good. Do you know any one who does know him?”

“Great. Do you know anyone who does know him?”

“Yes, I know his most intimate friend.”

“Yes, I know his closest friend.”

“Then he is the man for you to approach. Convince him that plasmon is what the army needs, that the military hospitals are suffering for it. Let him understand that what you want is to get this to the Director-General, and in due time it will get to him in the proper way. You'll see.”

“Then he’s the person you should talk to. Convince him that plasmon is what the army needs, that the military hospitals are in dire need of it. Make sure he understands that your goal is to get this to the Director-General, and eventually it will reach him in the right way. You’ll see.”

This proved to be a true prophecy. It was only a little while until the British army had experimented with plasmon and adopted it. MacAlister reported the success of the scheme to Clemens, and out of it grew the story entitled, “Two Little Tales,” published in November of the following year (1901) in the Century Magazine. Perhaps the reader will remember that in the “Two Little Tales” the Emperor is very ill and the lowest of all his subjects knows a certain remedy, but he cannot seek the Emperor direct, so he wisely approaches him through a series of progressive stages—finally reaching and curing his stricken Majesty.

This turned out to be an accurate prediction. It wasn't long before the British army experimented with plasmon and started using it. MacAlister informed Clemens about the success of the project, which led to the story titled “Two Little Tales,” published in November of the following year (1901) in Century Magazine. Perhaps the reader will recall that in “Two Little Tales,” the Emperor is very ill, and the lowest of his subjects knows a specific remedy, but he can't approach the Emperor directly, so he wisely takes a series of gradual steps—ultimately reaching and curing his ailing Majesty.

Clemens had the courage of his investments. He adopted plasmon as his own daily food, and induced various members of the family to take it in its more palatable forms, one of these being a preparation of chocolate. He kept the reading-table by his bed well stocked with a variety of the products and invited various callers to try a complimentary sample lot. It was really an excellent and harmless diet, and both the company and its patients would seem to have prospered—perhaps are prospering still.

Clemens was committed to his investments. He made plasmon a regular part of his diet and encouraged different family members to consume it in more enjoyable forms, including a chocolate preparation. He ensured that the reading table by his bed was filled with a range of products and invited various guests to try free samples. It was genuinely a great and safe diet, and both the company and its clients appeared to thrive—perhaps they still are.

There was another business opportunity came along just at this time. S. S. McClure was in England with a proposition for starting a new magazine whose complexion was to be peculiarly American, with Mark Twain as its editor. The magazine was to be called 'The Universal', and by the proposition Clemens was to receive a tenth interest in it for his first year's work, and an added twentieth interest for each of the two succeeding years, with a guarantee that his shares should not earn him less than five thousand dollars the first year, with a proportionate increase as his holdings grew.

Another business opportunity came up at this time. S. S. McClure was in England with a proposal to start a new magazine that would have a distinctly American vibe, with Mark Twain as its editor. The magazine was to be named 'The Universal', and according to the proposal, Clemens would receive a 10% stake in it for his first year's work, plus an additional 5% for each of the two following years, with a guarantee that his shares would earn him at least five thousand dollars in the first year, with a proportional increase as his stake grew.

The scheme appealed to Clemens, it being understood in the beginning that he was to give very little time to the work, with the privilege of doing it at his home, wherever that might happen to be. He wrote of the matter to Mr. Rogers, explaining in detail, and Rogers replied, approving the plan. Mr. Rogers said he knew that he [Rogers] would have to do most of the work in editing the magazine, and further added:

The plan interested Clemens, as it was clear from the start that he would only need to dedicate a little time to the work, with the option to do it from home, no matter where that was. He wrote to Mr. Rogers about it, explaining everything in detail, and Rogers responded, agreeing with the plan. Mr. Rogers mentioned that he knew he would have to handle most of the editing for the magazine, and added:

    One thing I shall insist upon, however, if I have anything to do
    with the matter, and it is this: that when you have made up your
    mind on the subject you will stick to it. I have not found in your
    composition that element of stubbornness which is a constant source
    of embarrassment to me in all friendly and social ways, but which,
    when applied to certain lines of business, brings in the dollar and
    fifty-cent pieces. If you accept the position, of course that means
    that you have to come to this country. If you do, the yachting will
    be a success.
One thing I will insist on, though, if I'm involved in this, is that once you decide on the matter, you stick with it. I haven’t seen that stubbornness in you that often causes me trouble in social situations, but when it comes to certain business paths, it’s what really makes the money. If you take the job, that means you’ll have to come to this country. If you do, the yachting will be successful.

There was considerable correspondence with McClure over the new periodical. In one letter Clemens set forth his general views of the matter quite clearly:

There was a lot of back-and-forth with McClure about the new magazine. In one letter, Clemens expressed his overall thoughts on the issue very clearly:

    Let us not deceive any one, nor allow any one to deceive himself, if
    it can be prevented. This is not to be a comic magazine. It is to be
    simply a good, clean, wholesome collection of well-written &
    enticing literary products, like the other magazines of its class;
    not setting itself to please but one of man's moods, but all of
    them. It will not play but one kind of music, but all kinds. I
    should not be able to edit a comic periodical satisfactorily, for
    lack of interest in the work. I value humor highly, & am
    constitutionally fond of it, but I should not like it as a steady
    diet. For its own best interests, humor should take its outings in
    grave company; its cheerful dress gets heightened color from the
    proximity of sober hues. For me to edit a comic magazine would be
    an incongruity & out of character, for of the twenty-three books
    which I have written eighteen do not deal in humor as their chiefest
    feature, but are half & half admixtures of fun & seriousness. I
    think I have seldom deliberately set out to be humorous, but have
    nearly always allowed the humor to drop in or stay out, according to
    its fancy. Although I have many times been asked to write something
    humorous for an editor or a publisher I have had wisdom enough to
    decline; a person could hardly be humorous with the other man
    watching him like that. I have never tried to write a humorous
    lecture; I have only tried to write serious ones—it is the only way
    not to succeed.

    I shall write for this magazine every time the spirit moves me; but
    I look for my largest entertainment in editing. I have been edited
    by all kinds of people for more than thirty-eight years; there has
    always been somebody in authority over my manuscript & privileged to
    improve it; this has fatigued me a good deal, & I have often longed
    to move up from the dock to the bench & rest myself and fatigue
    others. My opportunity is come, but I hope I shall not abuse it
    overmuch. I mean to do my best to make a good magazine; I mean to
    do my whole duty, & not shirk any part of it. There are plenty of
    distinguished artists, novelists, poets, story-tellers,
    philosophers, scientists, explorers, fighters, hunters, followers of
    the sea, & seekers of adventure; & with these to do the hard & the
    valuable part of the work with the pen & the pencil it will be
    comfort & joy to me to walk the quarter-deck & superintend.
    Let's not deceive anyone or let anyone deceive themselves if we can help it. This isn't supposed to be a comic magazine. It's meant to be a good, clean, wholesome collection of well-written and engaging literary works, like other magazines in its category; not catering to just one of man's moods, but to all of them. It won't play just one type of music, but all types. I wouldn't be able to satisfactorily edit a comic publication due to a lack of interest in that kind of work. I highly value humor and naturally enjoy it, but I wouldn't want it all the time. Humor needs to have serious company; its cheerful vibe gets brighter when it’s next to somber tones. Editing a comic magazine would not fit my character, as out of the twenty-three books I've written, eighteen of them don't focus on humor as their main feature, but are a blend of fun and seriousness. I think I've rarely deliberately aimed to be funny; I've mostly let humor come or go as it pleased. Although I've been asked many times to write something humorous for an editor or publisher, I’ve had the sense to decline; it’s hard to be funny when someone else is watching you like that. I’ve never tried to write a humorous lecture; I’ve only aimed to write serious ones—it's the only way not to fail.

    I'll write for this magazine whenever the mood strikes me; but I expect my greatest enjoyment will come from editing. I've been edited by all sorts of people for more than thirty-eight years; there's always been someone in charge of my manuscript who could make improvements, which has worn me out; I've often wished I could move from the sidelines to the center and let others take the strain. My chance has come, but I hope I won’t take too much advantage of it. I intend to do my best to create a great magazine; I will fulfill my complete duty and not dodge any part of it. There are plenty of talented artists, novelists, poets, storytellers, philosophers, scientists, explorers, fighters, hunters, sailors, and adventurers; with them handling the tough and valuable parts of the writing and illustrating, it will bring me comfort and joy to oversee from the quarter-deck.

Meanwhile McClure's enthusiasm had had time to adjust itself to certain existing facts. Something more than a month later he wrote from America at considerable length, setting forth the various editorial duties and laying stress upon the feature of intimate physical contact with the magazine. He went into the matter of the printing schedule, the various kinds of paper used, the advertising pages, illustrations—into all the detail, indeed, which a practical managing editor must compass in his daily rounds. It was pretty evident that Clemens would not be able to go sailing about on Mr. Rogers's yacht or live at will in London or New York or Vienna or Elmira, but that he would be more or less harnessed to a revolving chair at an editorial desk, the thing which of all fates he would be most likely to dread. The scheme appears to have died there—the correspondence to have closed.

Meanwhile, McClure's enthusiasm had adjusted to certain existing realities. Over a month later, he wrote from America at considerable length, outlining the various editorial responsibilities and emphasizing the importance of close physical engagement with the magazine. He discussed the printing schedule, the different types of paper used, the advertising pages, and illustrations—every detail that a practical managing editor needs to handle in their daily tasks. It was clear that Clemens wouldn't be able to sail freely on Mr. Rogers's yacht or live as he pleased in London, New York, Vienna, or Elmira, but instead would be somewhat tied to a revolving chair at an editorial desk, which was the situation he would likely dread the most. The plan seemed to have ended there—the correspondence came to a halt.

Somewhat of the inducement in the McClure scheme had been the thought in Clemens's mind that it would bring him back to America. In a letter to Mr. Rogers (January 8, 1900) he said, “I am tired to death of this everlasting exile.” Mrs. Clemens often wrote that he was restlessly impatient to return. They were, in fact, constantly discussing the practicability of returning to their own country now and opening the Hartford home. Clemens was ready to do that or to fall in with any plan that would bring him across the water and settle him somewhere permanently. He was tired of the wandering life they had been leading. Besides the long trip of '95 and '96 they had moved two or three times a year regularly since leaving Hartford, nine years before. It seemed to him that they were always packing and unpacking.

Somewhat of the motivation behind the McClure scheme had been the thought in Clemens's mind that it would bring him back to America. In a letter to Mr. Rogers (January 8, 1900) he said, “I am so tired of this never-ending exile.” Mrs. Clemens often wrote that he was restlessly eager to return. They were, in fact, constantly discussing the possibility of going back to their own country now and reopening their Hartford home. Clemens was ready to do that or to go along with any plan that would take him across the ocean and settle him somewhere permanently. He was fed up with the wandering life they had been living. Besides the long trip of '95 and '96, they had moved two or three times a year regularly since leaving Hartford, nine years earlier. It felt like they were always packing and unpacking.

“The poor man is willing to live anywhere if we will only let him 'stay put,” wrote Mrs. Clemens, but he did want to settle in his own land. Mrs. Clemens, too, was weary with wandering, but the Hartford home no longer held any attraction for her. There had been a time when her every letter dwelt on their hope of returning to it. Now the thought filled her with dread. To her sister she wrote:

“The poor man is willing to live anywhere if we just let him 'stay put,'” wrote Mrs. Clemens, but he really wanted to settle in his own land. Mrs. Clemens was also tired of wandering, but the Hartford home no longer appealed to her. There was a time when every letter she wrote was filled with their hope of going back to it. Now, the thought of it filled her with dread. To her sister, she wrote:

Do you think we can live through the first going into the house in Hartford? I feel if we had gotten through the first three months all might be well, but consider the first night.

Do you think we can make it through the first time we go into the house in Hartford? I feel like if we can get through the first three months, everything will be fine, but just think about that first night.

The thought of the responsibility of that great house—the taking up again of the old life-disheartened her, too. She had added years and she had not gained in health or strength.

The idea of taking on the responsibilities of that big house—the thought of returning to her old life—made her feel defeated, too. She had gained years but hadn’t gained any health or strength.

    When I was comparatively young I found the burden of that house very
    great. I don't think I was ever fitted for housekeeping. I dislike
    the practical part of it so much. I hate it when the servants don't
    do well, and I hate the correcting them.
    When I was relatively young, I found the responsibility of that house overwhelming. I don't think I was ever suited for managing a household. I really dislike the practical aspects of it. I can't stand it when the staff doesn't do their jobs well, and I hate having to correct them.

Yet no one ever had better discipline in her domestic affairs or ever commanded more devoted service. Her strength of character and the proportions of her achievement show large when we consider this confession.

Yet no one ever had better discipline in her home life or commanded more devoted service. Her strength of character and the extent of her accomplishments stand out when we think about this statement.

They planned to return in the spring, but postponed the date for sailing. Jean was still under Kellgren's treatment, and, though a cure had been promised her, progress was discouragingly slow. They began to look about for summer quarters in or near London.

They planned to come back in the spring but delayed their sailing date. Jean was still receiving treatment from Kellgren, and although a cure had been promised to her, the progress was frustratingly slow. They started to look for summer accommodations in or near London.





CCX. LONDON SOCIAL AFFAIRS

All this time Clemens had been tossing on the London social tide. There was a call for him everywhere. No distinguished visitor of whatever profession or rank but must meet Mark Twain. The King of Sweden was among his royal conquests of that season.

All this time, Clemens had been riding the wave of London society. He was in demand everywhere. No notable visitor, regardless of profession or rank, could pass through without meeting Mark Twain. The King of Sweden was one of his royal encounters that season.

He was more happy with men of his own kind. He was often with Moberly Bell, editor of the Times; E. A. Abbey, the painter; Sir Henry Lucy, of Punch (Toby, M.P.); James Bryce, and Herbert Gladstone; and there were a number of brilliant Irishmen who were his special delight. Once with Mrs. Clemens he dined with the author of his old favorite, 'European Morals', William E. H. Lecky. Lady Gregory was there and Sir Dennis Fitz-Patrick, who had been Governor-General at Lahore when they were in India, and a number of other Irish ladies and gentlemen. It was a memorable evening. To Twichell Clemens wrote:

He was much happier around people like him. He often spent time with Moberly Bell, the editor of the Times; E. A. Abbey, the painter; Sir Henry Lucy from Punch (Toby, M.P.); James Bryce; and Herbert Gladstone. He was especially delighted by a number of brilliant Irishmen. Once, with Mrs. Clemens, he had dinner with the author of his old favorite, 'European Morals', William E. H. Lecky. Lady Gregory was there along with Sir Dennis Fitz-Patrick, who had been Governor-General in Lahore when they were in India, and several other Irish ladies and gentlemen. It was a memorable evening. To Twichell, Clemens wrote:

    Joe, do you know the Irish gentleman & the Irish lady, the Scotch
    gentleman & the Scotch lady? These are darlings, every one. Night
    before last it was all Irish—24. One would have to travel far to
    match their ease & sociability & animation & sparkle & absence of
    shyness & self-consciousness. It was American in these fine
    qualities. This was at Mr. Lecky's. He is Irish, you know. Last
    night it was Irish again, at Lady Gregory's. Lord Roberts is Irish,
    & Sir William Butler, & Kitchener, I think, & a disproportion of the
    other prominent generals are of Irish & Scotch breed keeping up the
    traditions of Wellington & Sir Colin Campbell, of the Mutiny. You
    will have noticed that in S. A., as in the Mutiny, it is usually the
    Irish & Scotch that are placed in the forefront of the battle....
    Sir William Butler said, “the Celt is the spearhead of the British
    lance.”
 
    Joe, do you know the Irish gentleman and the Irish lady, the Scottish gentleman and the Scottish lady? They are all amazing, truly. The other night, it was completely Irish—24. You’d have to go far to find their ease, sociability, energy, charm, and complete lack of shyness and self-consciousness. These qualities feel very American. This was at Mr. Lecky's place. He’s Irish, you know. Last night, it was Irish again, at Lady Gregory's. Lord Roberts is Irish, and Sir William Butler, and Kitchener, I think, along with a significant number of other well-known generals who are of Irish and Scottish descent, continuing the legacy of Wellington and Sir Colin Campbell from the Mutiny. You may have noticed that in South Africa, just like in the Mutiny, it’s usually the Irish and Scottish who are at the front lines of battle.... Sir William Butler said, “the Celt is the spearhead of the British lance.”

He mentions the news from the African war, which had been favorable to England, and what a change had come over everything in consequence. The dinner-parties had been lodges of sorrow and depressing. Now everybody was smiling again. In a note-book entry of this time he wrote:

He talks about the news from the African war, which had been good for England, and how everything changed because of that. The dinner parties had been full of sadness and gloom. Now everyone was smiling again. In a notebook entry from that time, he wrote:

    Relief of Mafeking (May 18, 1900). The news came at 9.17 P.M.
    Before 10 all London was in the streets, gone mad with joy. By then
    the news was all over the American continent.
    Relief of Mafeking (May 18, 1900). The news came at 9:17 PM. 
    By 10, all of London was in the streets, crazy with joy. By then, 
    the news had spread across the American continent.

Clemens had been talking copyright a good deal in London, and introducing it into his speeches. Finally, one day he was summoned before a committee of the House of Lords to explain his views. His old idea that the product of a man's brain is his property in perpetuity and not for any term of years had not changed, and they permitted him to dilate on this (to them) curious doctrine. The committee consisted of Lords Monkswell, Knutsford, Avebury, Farrar, and Thwing. When they asked for his views he said:

Clemens had been discussing copyright a lot in London and bringing it up in his speeches. Finally, one day he was called before a committee of the House of Lords to share his opinions. His long-held belief that a person's intellectual output is their property forever, not just for a set number of years, hadn’t changed, and they allowed him to elaborate on this (to them) unusual belief. The committee included Lords Monkswell, Knutsford, Avebury, Farrar, and Thwing. When they asked for his thoughts, he said:

“In my opinion the copyright laws of England and America need only the removal of the forty-two-year limit and the return to perpetual copyright to be perfect. I consider that at least one of the reasons advanced in justification of limited copyright is fallacious—namely, the one which makes a distinction between an author's property and real estate, and pretends that the two are not created, produced, or acquired in the same way, thus warranting a different treatment of the two by law.”

“In my view, the copyright laws in England and America just need the elimination of the forty-two-year limit and a return to perpetual copyright to be ideal. I believe that at least one of the arguments used to support limited copyright is flawed—specifically, the one that differentiates between an author’s property and real estate, suggesting that they are not created, produced, or acquired in the same way, which justifies treating them differently under the law.”

Continuing, he dwelt on the ancient doctrine that there was no property in an idea, showing how the far greater proportion of all property consisted of nothing more than elaborated ideas—the steamship, locomotive, telephone, the vast buildings in the world, how all of these had been constructed upon a basic idea precisely as a book is constructed, and were property only as a book is property, and therefore rightly subject to the same laws. He was carefully and searchingly examined by that shrewd committee. He kept them entertained and interested and left them in good-nature, even if not entirely converted. The papers printed his remarks, and London found them amusing.

Continuing, he focused on the old belief that you can’t own an idea, demonstrating how the majority of all property is made up of nothing more than developed ideas—the steamship, locomotive, telephone, and the huge buildings around the world, all structured around a basic idea just like a book is made, and they are property just like a book is property, and therefore should be governed by the same laws. He was thoroughly and carefully questioned by that sharp committee. He kept them entertained and engaged, leaving them in a good mood, even if they weren’t fully convinced. The newspapers published his comments, and London found them entertaining.

A few days after the copyright session, Clemens, responding to the toast, “Literature,” at the Royal Literary Fund Banquet, made London laugh again, and early in June he was at the Savoy Hotel welcoming Sir Henry Irving back to England after one of his successful American tours.

A few days after the copyright session, Clemens, in response to the toast, “Literature,” at the Royal Literary Fund Banquet, made London laugh once more, and in early June he was at the Savoy Hotel welcoming Sir Henry Irving back to England after one of his successful tours in America.

On the Fourth of July (1900) Clemens dined with the Lord Chief-Justice, and later attended an American banquet at the Hotel Cecil. He arrived late, when a number of the guests were already going. They insisted, however, that he make a speech, which he did, and considered the evening ended. It was not quite over. A sequel to his “Luck” story, published nine years before, suddenly developed.

On the Fourth of July (1900), Clemens had dinner with the Lord Chief Justice and later went to an American banquet at the Hotel Cecil. He got there late, and by that time, some guests were already leaving. However, they insisted he give a speech, which he did, and thought the evening was wrapped up. But it wasn’t quite over. A continuation of his “Luck” story, published nine years earlier, suddenly emerged.

To go back a little, the reader may recall that “Luck” was a story which Twichell had told him as being supposedly true. The hero of it was a military officer who had risen to the highest rank through what at least seemed to be sheer luck, including a number of fortunate blunders. Clemens thought the story improbable, but wrote it and laid it away for several years, offering it at last in the general house-cleaning which took place after the first collapse of the machine. It was published in Harper's Magazine for August, 1891, and something less than a year later, in Rome, an English gentleman—a new acquaintance—said to him:

To go back a bit, the reader might remember that “Luck” was a story Twichell told him as if it were true. The main character was a military officer who climbed to the highest rank mostly through what seemed like pure luck, including a series of lucky mistakes. Clemens found the story unlikely, but he wrote it down and kept it aside for several years, finally offering it during the general cleanup that happened after the first failure of the machine. It was published in Harper's Magazine in August 1891, and just under a year later, in Rome, an English gentleman—a new acquaintance—said to him:

“Mr. Clemens, shall you go to England?”

“Mr. Clemens, are you going to England?”

“Very likely.”

"Most likely."

“Shall you take your tomahawk with you?”

“Are you going to take your tomahawk with you?”

“Why—yes, if it shall seem best.”

"Sure, if that works best."

“Well, it will. Be advised. Take it with you.”

“Well, it will. Just so you know. Take it with you.”

“Why?”

“Why?”

“Because of that sketch of yours entitled 'Luck.' That sketch is current in England, and you will surely need your tomahawk.”

“Because of that sketch of yours called 'Luck.' That sketch is trending in England, and you'll definitely need your tomahawk.”

“What makes you think so?”

“What makes you say that?”

“I think so because the hero of the sketch will naturally want your scalp, and will probably apply for it. Be advised. Take your tomahawk along.”

“I think so because the hero of the story will likely want your scalp and will probably ask for it. Just a heads up. Take your tomahawk with you.”

“Why, even with it I sha'n't stand any chance, because I sha'n't know him when he applies, and he will have my scalp before I know what his errand is.”

“Why, even with it I won't have any chance, because I won’t recognize him when he shows up, and he’ll take me out before I even know what he's here for.”

“Come, do you mean to say that you don't know who the hero of that sketch is?”

“Come on, are you really saying you don’t know who the hero of that sketch is?”

“Indeed I haven't any idea who the hero of the sketch is. Who is it?”

“Honestly, I have no idea who the hero of the sketch is. Who is it?”

His informant hesitated a moment, then named a name of world-wide military significance.

His informant paused for a moment, then mentioned a name of global military importance.

As Mask Twain finished his Fourth of July speech at the Cecil and started to sit down a splendidly uniformed and decorated personage at his side said:

As Mark Twain wrapped up his Fourth of July speech at the Cecil and began to sit down, a brilliantly dressed and decorated figure next to him said:

“Mr. Clemens, I have been wanting to know you a long time,” and he was looking down into the face of the hero of “Luck.”

“Mr. Clemens, I’ve wanted to meet you for a long time,” he said, looking down at the face of the hero of “Luck.”

“I was caught unprepared,” he said in his notes of it. “I didn't sit down—I fell down. I didn't have my tomahawk, and I didn't know what would happen. But he was composed, and pretty soon I got composed and we had a good, friendly time. If he had ever heard of that sketch of mine he did not manifest it in any way, and at twelve, midnight, I took my scalp home intact.”

“I was caught off guard,” he wrote in his notes. “I didn’t sit down—I fell down. I didn’t have my tomahawk, and I didn’t know what would happen. But he was calm, and pretty soon I relaxed too, and we had a good, friendly time. If he had ever heard of that sketch of mine, he didn’t show it at all, and at midnight, I took my scalp home intact.”





CCXI. DOLLIS HILL AND HOME

It was early in July, 1900, that they removed to Dollis Hill House, a beautiful old residence surrounded by trees on a peaceful hilltop, just outside of London. It was literally within a stone's-throw of the city limits, yet it was quite rural, for the city had not overgrown it then, and it retained all its pastoral features—a pond with lily-pads, the spreading oaks, the wide spaces of grassy lawn. Gladstone, an intimate friend of the owner, had made it a favorite retreat at one period of his life, and the place to-day is converted into a public garden called Gladstone Park. The old English diplomat used to drive out and sit in the shade of the trees and read and talk and translate Homer, and pace the lawn as he planned diplomacy, and, in effect, govern the English empire from that retired spot.

It was early July 1900 when they moved to Dollis Hill House, a beautiful old residence surrounded by trees on a peaceful hilltop just outside London. It was literally within a stone's throw of the city limits, yet it felt quite rural, as the city hadn't expanded to swallow it up at that time. It still had all its countryside charm— a pond with lily pads, sprawling oaks, and wide grassy lawns. Gladstone, a close friend of the owner, had once made it his favorite getaway, and today it has been turned into a public garden called Gladstone Park. The old English diplomat would drive out, sit in the shade of the trees to read, talk, translate Homer, and pace the lawn as he planned diplomatic strategies, effectively governing the English empire from that peaceful spot.

Clemens, in some memoranda made at the moment, doubts if Gladstone was always at peace in his mind in this retirement.

Clemens, in some notes he made at the time, wonders if Gladstone was always at peace in his mind during this retirement.

“Was he always really tranquil within,” he says, “or was he only externally so—for effect? We cannot know; we only know that his rustic bench under his favorite oak has no bark on its arms. Facts like this speak louder than words.”

“Was he always truly calm inside,” he says, “or was he just putting on a façade for show? We can’t know; we only know that his rustic bench under his favorite oak has no bark on its arms. Facts like this speak louder than words.”

The red-brick residential wave of London was still some distance away in 1900. Clemens says:

The red-brick housing trend in London was still a ways off in 1900. Clemens says:

    The rolling sea of green grass still stretches away on every hand,
    splotches with shadows of spreading oaks in whose black coolness
    flocks of sheep lie peacefully dreaming. Dreaming of what? That
    they are in London, the metropolis of the world, Post-office
    District, N. W.? Indeed no. They are not aware of it. I am aware
    of it, but that is all. It is not possible to realize it. For
    there is no suggestion of city here; it is country, pure & simple,
    & as still & reposeful as is the bottom of the sea.
    The rolling sea of green grass stretches out in every direction, dotted with shadows from spreading oaks where flocks of sheep lie peacefully dreaming. Dreaming of what? That they’re in London, the world’s capital, Post-office District, N.W.? Absolutely not. They have no idea. I know it, but that’s all. It’s hard to grasp. There’s no hint of a city here; this is countryside, plain and simple, as calm and tranquil as the bottom of the sea.

They all loved Dollis Hill. Mrs. Clemens wrote as if she would like to remain forever in that secluded spot.

They all loved Dollis Hill. Mrs. Clemens wrote like she would want to stay there forever in that quiet place.

    It is simply divinely beautiful & peaceful;... the great old
    trees are beyond everything. I believe nowhere in the world do you
    find such trees as in England.... Jean has a hammock swung
    between two such great trees, & on the other side of a little pond,
    which is full of white & yellow pond-lilies, there is tall grass &
    trees & Clara & Jean go there in the afternoons, spread down a rug
    on the grass in the shade & read & sleep.
    It is truly beautiful and peaceful; the great old trees are incomparable. I don’t think you can find trees like these anywhere else in the world, especially in England. Jean has a hammock strung between two of these magnificent trees, and across a small pond filled with white and yellow water lilies, there are tall grasses and more trees. Clara and Jean go there in the afternoons, lay down a blanket on the grass in the shade, and read or take a nap.

They all spent most of their time outdoors at Dollis Hill under those spreading trees.

They all spent most of their time outside at Dollis Hill under those spreading trees.

Clemens to Twichell in midsummer wrote:

Clemens wrote to Twichell in midsummer:

    I am the only person who is ever in the house in the daytime, but I
    am working & deep in the luxury of it. But there is one tremendous
    defect. Livy is all so enchanted with the place & so in love with
    it that she doesn't know how she is going to tear herself away from
    it.
    I’m the only one in the house during the day, but I’m busy and really enjoying it. However, there’s one major issue. Livy is so enchanted by the place and so in love with it that she has no idea how she’s going to pull herself away.

Much company came to them at Dollis Hill. Friends drove out from London, and friends from America came often, among them—the Sages, Prof. Willard Fiske, and Brander Matthews with his family. Such callers were served with tea and refreshment on the lawn, and lingered, talking and talking, while the sun got lower and the shadows lengthened, reluctant to leave that idyllic spot.

Many visitors came to them at Dollis Hill. Friends drove out from London, and friends from America visited often, including the Sages, Prof. Willard Fiske, and Brander Matthews with his family. These guests were served tea and snacks on the lawn and stayed, chatting and chatting, as the sun dipped lower and the shadows grew longer, reluctant to leave that perfect place.

“Dollis Hill comes nearer to being a paradise than any other home I ever occupied,” he wrote when the summer was about over.

“Dollis Hill is closer to being a paradise than any other home I’ve ever lived in,” he wrote as summer was wrapping up.

But there was still a greater attraction than Dollis Hill. Toward the end of summer they willingly left that paradise, for they had decided at last to make that home-returning voyage which had invited them so long. They were all eager enough to go—Clemens more eager than the rest, though he felt a certain sadness, too, in leaving the tranquil spot which in a brief summer they had so learned to love.

But there was still a stronger pull than Dollis Hill. Toward the end of summer, they happily left that paradise because they had finally decided to make the long-awaited journey home. Everyone was eager to go—Clemens more than the others, even though he felt a bit of sadness in leaving the peaceful place they had come to love so much over the short summer.

Writing to W. H. Helm, a London newspaper man who had spent pleasant hours with him chatting in the shade, he said:

Writing to W. H. Helm, a London journalist who had enjoyed nice moments with him talking in the shade, he said:

   ... The packing & fussing & arranging have begun, for the
    removal to America &, by consequence, the peace of life is marred &
    its contents & satisfactions are departing. There is not much
    choice between a removal & a funeral; in fact, a removal is a
    funeral, substantially, & I am tired of attending them.
   ... The packing, fussing, and organizing have started for the move to America, and as a result, the tranquility of life is disrupted, and its pleasures are fading away. There isn't much difference between a move and a funeral; in fact, moving is basically a funeral, and I’m tired of going to them.

They closed Dollis Hill, spent a few days at Brown's Hotel, and sailed for America, on the Minnehaha, October 6, 1900, bidding, as Clemens believed, and hoped, a permanent good-by to foreign travel. They reached New York on the 15th, triumphantly welcomed after their long nine years of wandering. How glad Mark Twain was to get home may be judged from his remark to one of the many reporters who greeted him.

They closed Dollis Hill, spent a few days at Brown's Hotel, and sailed for America on the Minnehaha on October 6, 1900, saying what Clemens believed and hoped was a permanent goodbye to foreign travel. They arrived in New York on the 15th, receiving a triumphant welcome after their long nine years of wandering. How glad Mark Twain was to be home can be gauged from his remark to one of the many reporters who greeted him.

    “If I ever get ashore I am going to break both of my legs so I
    can't, get away again.”
 
 “If I ever make it to land, I'm going to break both of my legs so I can't escape again.”




VOLUME III, Part 1: 1900-1907





CCXII. THE RETURN OF THE CONQUEROR

It would be hard to exaggerate the stir which the newspapers and the public generally made over the homecoming of Mark Twain. He had left America, staggering under heavy obligation and set out on a pilgrimage of redemption. At the moment when this Mecca, was in view a great sorrow had befallen him and, stirred a world-wide and soul-deep tide of human sympathy. Then there had followed such ovation as has seldom been conferred upon a private citizen, and now approaching old age, still in the fullness of his mental vigor, he had returned to his native soil with the prestige of these honors upon him and the vast added glory of having made his financial fight single-handed-and won.

It would be hard to overstate the excitement that newspapers and the public created over Mark Twain's return home. He had left America, burdened by heavy obligations, and embarked on a journey of redemption. Just as he was nearing his destination, a great sorrow struck him, stirring a global and profound wave of human sympathy. This was followed by an ovation rarely bestowed on a private citizen, and now, as he approached old age, still full of mental energy, he returned to his homeland with the prestige of those honors and the tremendous glory of having fought his financial battles alone—and won.

He was heralded literally as a conquering hero. Every paper in the land had an editorial telling the story of his debts, his sorrow, and his triumphs.

He was truly celebrated as a conquering hero. Every newspaper in the country published an editorial narrating his struggles with debt, his sadness, and his victories.

“He had behaved like Walter Scott,” says Howells, “as millions rejoiced to know who had not known how Walter Scott had behaved till they knew it was like Clemens.”

“He acted like Walter Scott,” says Howells, “and millions were glad to learn this, not realizing until then that Walter Scott acted like Clemens.”

Howells acknowledges that he had some doubts as to the permanency of the vast acclaim of the American public, remembering, or perhaps assuming, a national fickleness. Says Howells:

Howells admits that he had some doubts about how lasting the huge praise from the American public would be, recalling, or maybe assuming, a national inconsistency. Howells says:

    He had hitherto been more intelligently accepted or more largely
    imagined in Europe, and I suppose it was my sense of this that
    inspired the stupidity of my saying to him when we came to consider
    “the state of polite learning” among us, “You mustn't expect people
    to keep it up here as they do in England.” But it appeared that his
    countrymen were only wanting the chance, and they kept it up in
    honor of him past all precedent.
    He had until now been recognized more thoughtfully or more widely in Europe, and I think that awareness is what led to my foolish comment to him when we discussed “the state of polite learning” here, “You shouldn’t expect people to maintain it here like they do in England.” But it turned out that his fellow countrymen just needed the opportunity, and they upheld it in his honor beyond all expectations.

Clemens went to the Earlington Hotel and began search for a furnished house in New York. They would not return to Hartford—at least not yet. The associations there were still too sad, and they immediately became more so. Five days after Mark Twain's return to America, his old friend and co-worker, Charles Dudley Warner, died. Clemens went to Hartford to act as a pall-bearer and while there looked into the old home. To Sylvester Baxter, of Boston, who had been present, he wrote a few days later:

Clemens went to the Earlington Hotel and started looking for a furnished house in New York. They wouldn’t be going back to Hartford—at least, not yet. The memories there were still too painful, and they quickly became even more so. Five days after Mark Twain returned to America, his old friend and colleague, Charles Dudley Warner, passed away. Clemens went to Hartford to serve as a pallbearer and while he was there, he checked in on the old home. A few days later, he wrote to Sylvester Baxter in Boston, who had been present:

    It was a great pleasure to me to renew the other days with you, &
    there was a pathetic pleasure in seeing Hartford & the house again;
    but I realized that if we ever enter the house again to live our
    hearts will break. I am not sure that we shall ever be strong
    enough to endure that strain.
    It was such a pleasure to reconnect with you the other day, and there was a bittersweet joy in seeing Hartford and the house again; however, I realized that if we ever move back in, our hearts will be shattered. I’m not sure we’ll ever be strong enough to handle that kind of pressure.

Even if the surroundings had been less sorrowful it is not likely that Clemens would have returned to Hartford at this time. He had become a world-character, a dweller in capitals. Everywhere he moved a world revolved about him. Such a figure in Germany would live naturally in Berlin; in England London; in France, Paris; in Austria, Vienna; in America his headquarters could only be New York.

Even if the surroundings had been less bleak, it’s doubtful Clemens would have gone back to Hartford at this time. He had become a global figure, someone who belonged in major cities. Wherever he went, a world spun around him. A person like him in Germany would naturally settle in Berlin; in England, London; in France, Paris; in Austria, Vienna; and in America, his base could only be New York.

Clemens empowered certain of his friends to find a home for him, and Mr. Frank N. Doubleday discovered an attractive and handsomely furnished residence at 14 West Tenth Street, which was promptly approved. Doubleday, who was going to Boston, left orders with the agent to draw the lease and take it up to the new tenant for signature. To Clemens he said:

Clemens asked some of his friends to help him find a place to live, and Mr. Frank N. Doubleday found a nice and well-furnished house at 14 West Tenth Street, which was quickly approved. Doubleday, who was heading to Boston, instructed the agent to prepare the lease and deliver it to the new tenant for signing. To Clemens, he said:

“The house is as good as yours. All you've got to do is to sign the lease. You can consider it all settled.”

“The house is yours. All you have to do is sign the lease. You can consider it done.”

When Doubleday returned from Boston a few days later the agent called on him and complained that he couldn't find Mark Twain anywhere. It was reported at his hotel that he had gone and left no address. Doubleday was mystified; then, reflecting, he had an inspiration. He walked over to 14 West Tenth Street and found what he had suspected—Mark Twain had moved in. He had convinced the caretaker that everything was all right and he was quite at home. Doubleday said:

When Doubleday got back from Boston a few days later, the agent visited him and complained that he couldn't track down Mark Twain anywhere. It was reported at his hotel that he had left without giving an address. Doubleday was puzzled; then, thinking it over, he had a bright idea. He walked over to 14 West Tenth Street and discovered what he had suspected—Mark Twain had moved in. He had managed to convince the caretaker that everything was fine and that he belonged there. Doubleday said:

“Why, you haven't executed the lease yet.”

“Why haven’t you signed the lease yet?”

“No,” said Clemens, “but you said the house was as good as mine,” to which Doubleday agreed, but suggested that they go up to the real-estate office and give the agent notice that he was in possession of the premises.

“No,” said Clemens, “but you said the house was just as good as mine,” to which Doubleday agreed, but suggested that they head over to the real-estate office and let the agent know that he was occupying the property.

Doubleday's troubles were not quite over, however. Clemens began to find defects in his new home and assumed to hold Doubleday responsible for them. He sent a daily postal card complaining of the windows, furnace, the range, the water-whatever he thought might lend interest to Doubleday's life. As a matter of fact, he was pleased with the place. To MacAlister he wrote:

Doubleday's problems weren't completely finished, though. Clemens started noticing issues in his new home and decided to hold Doubleday accountable for them. He sent a daily postcard complaining about the windows, furnace, the stove, the water—anything he thought would make Doubleday's life more interesting. In reality, he was happy with the place. He wrote to MacAlister:

    We were very lucky to get this big house furnished. There was not
    another one in town procurable that would answer us, but this one is
    all right-space enough in it for several families, the rooms all
    old-fashioned, great size.
    We were really lucky to find this big furnished house. There wasn't another one in town available that would work for us, but this one is great—plenty of space for multiple families, with all the rooms being old-fashioned and generously sized.

The house at 14 West Tenth Street became suddenly one of the most conspicuous residences in New York. The papers immediately made its appearance familiar. Many people passed down that usually quiet street, stopping to observe or point out where Mark Twain lived. There was a constant procession of callers of every kind. Many were friends, old and new, but there was a multitude of strangers. Hundreds came merely to express their appreciation of his work, hoping for a personal word or a hand-shake or an autograph; but there were other hundreds who came with this thing and that thing—axes to grind—and there were newspaper reporters to ask his opinion on politics, or polygamy, or woman's suffrage; on heaven and hell and happiness; on the latest novel; on the war in Africa, the troubles in China; on anything under the sun, important or unimportant, interesting or inane, concerning which one might possibly hold an opinion. He was unfailing “copy” if they could but get a word with him. Anything that he might choose to say upon any subject whatever was seized upon and magnified and printed with head-lines. Sometimes opinions were invented for him. If he let fall a few words they were multiplied into a column interview.

The house at 14 West Tenth Street quickly became one of the most noticeable homes in New York. The newspapers made its presence widely known right away. Many people strolled down that usually quiet street, stopping to check out or point out where Mark Twain lived. There was a steady stream of visitors of all types. Some were friends, both old and new, but there were also countless strangers. Hundreds came just to show their appreciation for his work, hoping for a quick chat, a handshake, or an autograph; but there were also many who came with their own agendas—issues to discuss—and there were reporters wanting to hear his thoughts on politics, polygamy, women's suffrage; on heaven and hell and happiness; on the latest novel; on the war in Africa, the troubles in China; on anything, whether significant or trivial, that someone might want his opinion on. He was always "copy" if they could just get a moment with him. Anything he chose to say on any topic was grabbed, blown up, and printed with big headlines. Sometimes, opinions were made up for him. If he let slip a few words, they could turn into a lengthy interview.

“That reporter worked a miracle equal to the loaves and fishes,” he said of one such performance.

“That reporter worked a miracle just like the loaves and fishes,” he said about one of those performances.

Many men would have become annoyed and irritable as these things continued; but Mark Twain was greater than that. Eventually he employed a secretary to stand between him and the wash of the tide, as a sort of breakwater; but he seldom lost his temper no matter what was the request which was laid before him, for he recognized underneath it the great tribute of a great nation.

Many men would have gotten annoyed and irritable as these things continued; but Mark Twain was above that. Eventually, he hired a secretary to act as a buffer against the constant demands, like a breakwater; but he rarely lost his temper no matter what request was presented to him, because he understood the deep respect they signified from a great nation.

Of course his literary valuation would be affected by the noise of the general applause. Magazines and syndicates besought him for manuscripts. He was offered fifty cents and even a dollar a word for whatever he might give them. He felt a child-like gratification in these evidences of his market advancement, but he was not demoralized by them. He confined his work to a few magazines, and in November concluded an arrangement with the new management of Harper & Brothers, by which that firm was to have the exclusive serial privilege of whatever he might write at a fixed rate of twenty cents per word—a rate increased to thirty cents by a later contract, which also provided an increased royalty for the publication of his books.

Of course, his literary value would be influenced by the widespread praise. Magazines and syndicates begged him for manuscripts. He was offered fifty cents and even a dollar per word for anything he might provide. He felt a child-like joy in these signs of his success, but he wasn't swayed by them. He limited his work to a few magazines and, in November, finalized an agreement with the new management of Harper & Brothers, giving that firm the exclusive rights to serialize anything he wrote at a fixed rate of twenty cents per word—later increased to thirty cents in a new contract, which also provided a higher royalty for the publication of his books.

The United States, as a nation, does not confer any special honors upon private citizens. We do not have decorations and titles, even though there are times when it seems that such things might be not inappropriately conferred. Certain of the newspapers, more lavish in their enthusiasm than others, were inclined to propose, as one paper phrased it, “Some peculiar recognition—something that should appeal to Samuel L. Clemens, the man, rather than to Mark Twain, the literate. Just what form this recognition should take is doubtful, for the case has no exact precedent.”

The United States, as a country, doesn’t grant any special honors to private citizens. We don’t have awards or titles, even though there are times when it feels like such things could be justifiably given. Some newspapers, more enthusiastic than others, suggested, as one put it, “Some unique recognition—something that should resonate with Samuel L. Clemens, the person, rather than Mark Twain, the writer. What this recognition should look like is uncertain, since there’s no exact precedent for this situation.”

Perhaps the paper thought that Mark Twain was entitled—as he himself once humorously suggested-to the “thanks of Congress” for having come home alive and out of debt, but it is just as well that nothing of the sort was ever seriously considered. The thanks of the public at large contained more substance, and was a tribute much more to his mind. The paper above quoted ended by suggesting a very large dinner and memorial of welcome as being more in keeping with the republican idea and the American expression of good-will.

Perhaps the newspaper thought that Mark Twain deserved—as he once jokingly mentioned—the “thanks of Congress” for returning home safe and debt-free, but it’s probably for the best that nothing like that was ever really taken seriously. The appreciation from the public was more meaningful and served as a better tribute to his intellect. The newspaper in question concluded by proposing a grand dinner and a welcoming tribute, which felt more aligned with the democratic spirit and American goodwill.

But this was an unneeded suggestion. If he had eaten all the dinners proposed he would not have lived to enjoy his public honors a month. As it was, he accepted many more dinners than he could eat, and presently fell into the habit of arriving when the banqueting was about over and the after-dinner speaking about to begin. Even so the strain told on him.

But this was an unnecessary suggestion. If he had eaten all the dinners offered, he wouldn't have lived to enjoy his public honors for even a month. As it was, he accepted way more dinners than he could handle and soon got into the habit of showing up when the feast was nearly over and the speeches were about to start. Still, the pressure took a toll on him.

“His friends saw that he was wearing himself out,” says Howells, and perhaps this was true, for he grew thin and pale and contracted a hacking cough. He did not spare himself as often as he should have done. Once to Richard Watson Gilder he sent this line of regrets:

“His friends noticed that he was wearing himself down,” says Howells, and maybe that was true, because he became thin and pale and developed a persistent cough. He didn't take care of himself as much as he should have. Once, he sent this line of regrets to Richard Watson Gilder:

    In bed with a chest cold and other company—Wednesday.
    DEAR GILDER,—I can't. If I were a well man I could explain with
    this pencil, but in the cir—-ces I will leave it all to your
    imagination.

    Was it Grady who killed himself trying to do all the dining and
    speeching?

    No, old man, no, no!    Ever yours,  MARK.
    In bed with a chest cold and some other visitors—Wednesday.  
    DEAR GILDER,—I can't. If I were in good health, I could explain with this pencil, but given the situation—I'll leave it all to your imagination.  

    Was it Grady who committed suicide trying to handle all the dining and speaking?  

    No, my friend, no, no! Ever yours, MARK.

He became again the guest of honor at the Lotos Club, which had dined him so lavishly seven years before, just previous to his financial collapse. That former dinner had been a distinguished occasion, but never before had the Lotos Club been so brimming with eager hospitality as on the second great occasion. In closing his introductory speech President Frank Lawrence said, “We hail him as one who has borne great burdens with manliness and courage, who has emerged from great struggles victorious,” and the assembled diners roared out their applause. Clemens in his reply said:

He was once again the guest of honor at the Lotos Club, which had hosted him so extravagantly seven years earlier, just before his financial downfall. That previous dinner had been a notable event, but never had the Lotos Club been so full of warm hospitality as it was on this second grand occasion. In closing his opening speech, President Frank Lawrence said, “We celebrate him as someone who has carried heavy burdens with strength and bravery, who has emerged victorious from significant challenges,” and the gathered diners erupted in applause. Clemens, in his response, said:

    Your president has referred to certain burdens which I was weighted
    with. I am glad he did, as it gives me an opportunity which I
    wanted—to speak of those debts. You all knew what he meant when he
    referred to it, & of the poor bankrupt firm of C. L. Webster & Co.
    No one has said a word about those creditors. There were ninety-six
    creditors in all, & not by a finger's weight did ninety-five out of
    the ninety-six add to the burden of that time. They treated me
    well; they treated me handsomely. I never knew I owed them
    anything; not a sign came from them.
    Your president has mentioned some burdens I was dealing with. I'm glad he did, as it gives me a chance to talk about those debts. You all understood what he was talking about, and the struggling firm of C. L. Webster & Co. Nobody has mentioned those creditors. There were ninety-six creditors in total, and not a single one of the ninety-five added to the burden of that time. They treated me well; they treated me kindly. I never realized I owed them anything; there was not a sign from them.

It was like him to make that public acknowledgment. He could not let an unfair impression remain that any man or any set of men had laid an unnecessary burden upon him-his sense of justice would not consent to it. He also spoke on that occasion of certain national changes.

It was typical of him to make that public acknowledgment. He couldn't allow an unfair impression to linger that any person or group had placed an unnecessary burden on him—his sense of justice wouldn't permit it. He also talked about some national changes during that occasion.

    How many things have happened in the seven years I have been away
    from home! We have fought a righteous war, and a righteous war is a
    rare thing in history. We have turned aside from our own comfort
    and seen to it that freedom should exist, not only within our own
    gates, but in our own neighborhood. We have set Cuba free and
    placed her among the galaxy of free nations of the world. We
    started out to set those poor Filipinos free, but why that righteous
    plan miscarried perhaps I shall never know. We have also been
    making a creditable showing in China, and that is more than all the
    other powers can say. The “Yellow Terror” is threatening the world,
    but no matter what happens the United States says that it has had no
    part in it.

    Since I have been away we have been nursing free silver. We have
    watched by its cradle, we have done our best to raise that child,
    but every time it seemed to be getting along nicely along came some
    pestiferous Republican and gave it the measles or something. I fear
    we will never raise that child.

    We've done more than that. We elected a President four years ago.
    We've found fault and criticized him, and here a day or two ago we
    go and elect him for another four years, with votes enough to spare
    to do it over again.
How many things have happened in the seven years I've been away from home! We fought a just war, and a just war is a rare thing in history. We put our own comfort aside to ensure that freedom exists, not just within our own borders, but in our own community. We freed Cuba and welcomed her into the group of free nations in the world. We aimed to liberate those poor Filipinos, but why that just plan fell through, I may never know. We've also been making a decent impact in China, which is more than what all the other powers can say. The “Yellow Terror” looms over the world, but no matter what happens, the United States claims it had nothing to do with it.

Since I've been away, we've been supporting free silver. We’ve watched over it like a newborn, doing our best to nurture it, but every time it seemed to be thriving, along came some troublesome Republican and gave it a setback or something. I fear we’ll never see that succeed.

We've done more than that. We elected a President four years ago. We criticized him and pointed out his flaws, and just a couple of days ago, we went ahead and re-elected him for another four years, with enough votes to spare to do it all over again.

One club followed another in honoring Mark Twain—the Aldine, the St. Nicholas, the Press clubs, and other associations and societies. His old friends were at these dinners—Howells, Aldrich, Depew, Rogers, ex-Speaker Reed—and they praised him and gibed him to his and their hearts' content.

One club after another honored Mark Twain—the Aldine, the St. Nicholas, the Press clubs, and other groups. His old friends attended these dinners—Howells, Aldrich, Depew, Rogers, ex-Speaker Reed—and they praised him and teased him to their hearts' content.

It was a political year, and he generally had something to say on matters municipal, national, or international; and he spoke out more and more freely, as with each opportunity he warmed more righteously to his subject.

It was an election year, and he usually had something to say about local, national, or global issues; he expressed himself more openly, and with each chance he became more passionately engaged with his topic.

At the dinner given to him by the St. Nicholas Club he said, with deep irony:

At the dinner thrown for him by the St. Nicholas Club, he said, with deep irony:

    Gentlemen, you have here the best municipal government in the world,
    and the most fragrant and the purest. The very angels of heaven
    envy you and wish they had a government like it up there. You got
    it by your noble fidelity to civic duty; by the stern and ever
    watchful exercise of the great powers lodged in you as lovers and
    guardians of your city; by your manly refusal to sit inert when base
    men would have invaded her high places and possessed them; by your
    instant retaliation when any insult was offered you in her person,
    or any assault was made upon her fair fame. It is you who have made
    this government what it is, it is you who have made it the envy and
    despair of the other capitals of the world—and God bless you for
    it, gentlemen, God bless you! And when you get to heaven at last
    they'll say with joy, “Oh, there they come, the representatives of
    the perfectest citizenship in the universe show them the archangel's
    box and turn on the limelight!”
 
    Gentlemen, you have the best municipal government in the world, 
    and it's the most admirable and pure. Even the angels in heaven 
    envy you and wish they had a government like yours up there. You earned 
    it through your dedication to civic duty; by the strict and constant 
    oversight of the great powers granted to you as lovers and guardians 
    of your city; by your strong refusal to remain passive when dishonest 
    individuals would have taken over its important positions; by your 
    quick response whenever an insult was directed at you or any attack 
    was made on its reputation. It is you who have shaped this government 
    into what it is today; it is you who have made it the envy and despair 
    of other capitals around the world—and God bless you for it, gentlemen, 
    God bless you! And when you finally reach heaven, they'll say with joy, 
    “Oh, here they come, the representatives of the finest citizenship in 
    the universe! Show them the archangel's box and turn on the spotlight!”

Those hearers who in former years had been indifferent to Mark Twain's more serious purpose began to realize that, whatever he may have been formerly, he was by no means now a mere fun-maker, but a man of deep and grave convictions, able to give them the fullest and most forcible expression. He still might make them laugh, but he also made them think, and he stirred them to a truer gospel of patriotism. He did not preach a patriotism that meant a boisterous cheering of the Stars and Stripes right or wrong, but a patriotism that proposed to keep the Stars and Stripes clean and worth shouting for. In an article, perhaps it was a speech, begun at this time he wrote:

Those listeners who had been indifferent to Mark Twain's more serious intentions in the past began to see that, no matter what he might have been before, he was definitely not just a jokester anymore, but a person with deep and serious beliefs, capable of expressing them powerfully and fully. He could still make them laugh, but he also made them think, inspiring them to a more genuine sense of patriotism. He didn’t promote a type of patriotism that meant mindlessly cheering for the Stars and Stripes, right or wrong, but rather a patriotism that aimed to keep the Stars and Stripes clean and worthy of celebration. In an article, or maybe it was a speech, he wrote at this time:

    We teach the boys to atrophy their independence. We teach them to
    take their patriotism at second-hand; to shout with the largest
    crowd without examining into the right or wrong of the matter
    —exactly as boys under monarchies are taught and have always been
    taught. We teach them to regard as traitors, and hold in aversion
    and contempt, such as do not shout with the crowd, & so here in our
    democracy we are cheering a thing which of all things is most
    foreign to it & out of place—the delivery of our political
    conscience into somebody else's keeping. This is patriotism on the
    Russian plan.
    We teach boys to weaken their independence. We teach them to embrace their patriotism from others; to cheer along with the biggest crowd without questioning what's right or wrong — just like boys in monarchies have always been taught. We teach them to see those who don't join the crowd as traitors, and to hold them in disdain and contempt. So here in our democracy, we endorse something that is completely contrary to it — handing over our political beliefs to someone else. This is patriotism in a Russian style.

Howells tells of discussing these vital matters with him in “an upper room, looking south over a quiet, open space of back yards where,” he says, “we fought our battles in behalf of the Filipinos and Boers, and he carried on his campaign against the missionaries in China.”

Howells talks about discussing these important issues with him in “an upper room, looking south over a quiet, open space of backyards where,” he says, “we fought our battles for the Filipinos and Boers, and he kept his campaign going against the missionaries in China.”

Howells at the time expressed an amused fear that Mark Twain's countrymen, who in former years had expected him to be merely a humorist, should now, in the light of his wider acceptance abroad, demand that he be mainly serious.

Howells at the time expressed an amused concern that Mark Twain's fellow Americans, who in the past had thought of him only as a humorist, might now, given his broader acceptance overseas, expect him to be primarily serious.

But the American people were quite ready to accept him in any of his phases, fully realizing that whatever his philosophy or doctrine it would have somewhat of the humorous form, and whatever his humor, there would somewhere be wisdom in it. He had in reality changed little; for a generation he had thought the sort of things which he now, with advanced years and a different audience, felt warranted in uttering openly. The man who in '64 had written against corruption in San Francisco, who a few years later had defended the emigrant Chinese against persecution, who at the meetings of the Monday Evening Club had denounced hypocrisy in politics, morals, and national issues, did not need to change to be able to speak out against similar abuses now. And a newer generation as willing to herald Mark Twain as a sage as well as a humorist, and on occasion to quite overlook the absence of the cap and bells.

But the American public was completely prepared to embrace him in any of his forms, fully aware that no matter what his philosophy or beliefs were, they would have a humorous twist, and beneath that humor, there would be some wisdom. In reality, he hadn’t changed much; for decades he had thought about the same issues that he now, with age and a different audience, felt justified in expressing publicly. The man who in '64 had written against corruption in San Francisco, who a few years later had stood up for the persecuted Chinese immigrants, who at the meetings of the Monday Evening Club had condemned hypocrisy in politics, morals, and national issues, didn’t need to change to speak out against similar wrongs today. Plus, a newer generation was just as eager to recognize Mark Twain as a thinker as well as a comedian, sometimes even overlooking the lack of a jester's cap and bells.





CCXIII. MARK TWAIN—GENERAL SPOKESMAN

Clemens did not confine his speeches altogether to matters of reform. At a dinner given by the Nineteenth Century Club in November, 1900, he spoke on the “Disappearance of Literature,” and at the close of the discussion of that subject, referring to Milton and Scott, he said:

Clemens didn’t limit his speeches solely to reform issues. During a dinner hosted by the Nineteenth Century Club in November 1900, he talked about the “Disappearance of Literature,” and at the end of that discussion, while mentioning Milton and Scott, he said:

    Professor Winchester also said something about there being no modern
    epics like “Paradise Lost.” I guess he's right. He talked as if he
    was pretty familiar with that piece of literary work, and nobody
    would suppose that he never had read it. I don't believe any of you
    have ever read “Paradise Lost,” and you don't want to. That's
    something that you just want to take on trust. It's a classic, just
    as Professor Winchester says, and it meets his definition of a
    classic—something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
    wants to read.

    Professor Trent also had a good deal to say about the disappearance
    of literature. He said that Scott would outlive all his critics.
    I guess that's true. That fact of the business is you've got to be
    one of two ages to appreciate Scott. When you're eighteen you can
    read Ivanhoe, and you want to wait until you're ninety to read some
    of the rest. It takes a pretty well-regulated abstemious critic to
    live ninety years.
    Professor Winchester also mentioned that there aren't any modern
    epics like “Paradise Lost.” I guess he’s right. He spoke as if he knew that work really well, and no one would think he hadn’t read it. I don’t believe any of you have actually read “Paradise Lost,” and you probably don’t want to. It’s something you just want to trust other people about. It’s a classic, just like Professor Winchester says, and it fits his definition of a classic—something everyone wants to say they’ve read but nobody actually wants to read.

    Professor Trent also talked a lot about the decline of literature. He claimed that Scott would outlast all his critics. I guess that’s true. The reality is you have to be one of two ages to really appreciate Scott. When you're eighteen, you can read Ivanhoe, and you want to wait until you’re ninety to read some of the others. It takes a pretty disciplined and restrained critic to live to ninety.

But a few days later he was back again in the forefront of reform, preaching at the Berkeley Lyceum against foreign occupation in China. It was there that he declared himself a Boxer.

But just a few days later, he was back at the forefront of reform, speaking at the Berkeley Lyceum against foreign occupation in China. It was there that he declared himself a Boxer.

    Why should not China be free from the foreigners, who are only
    making trouble on her soil? If they would only all go home what a
    pleasant place China would be for the Chinese! We do not allow
    Chinamen to come here, and I say, in all seriousness, that it would
    be a graceful thing to let China decide who shall go there.

    China never wanted foreigners any more than foreigners wanted
    Chinamen, and on this question I am with the Boxers every time. The
    Boxer is a patriot. He loves his country better than he does the
    countries of other people. I wish him success. We drive the
    Chinaman out of our country; the Boxer believes in driving us out of
    his country. I am a Boxer, too, on those terms.
Why shouldn't China be free from foreigners who are just causing trouble in her land? If they would all just go home, what a nice place China would be for the Chinese! We don’t let Chinese people come here, and I seriously think it would be fair for China to decide who gets to go there.

China never wanted foreigners any more than foreigners wanted Chinese people, and on this issue, I support the Boxers every time. The Boxer is a patriot. He loves his country more than he loves the countries of others. I wish him all the success. We kick the Chinese out of our country; the Boxer believes in kicking us out of his country. I’m a Boxer too, on those terms.

Introducing Winston Churchill, of England, at a dinner some weeks later, he explained how generous England and America had been in not requiring fancy rates for “extinguished missionaries” in China as Germany had done. Germany had required territory and cash, he said, in payment for her missionaries, while the United States and England had been willing to settle for produce—firecrackers and tea.

Introducing Winston Churchill, from England, at a dinner a few weeks later, he explained how generous England and America had been in not demanding high compensation for “extinguished missionaries” in China like Germany had. Germany had asked for land and money, he said, as payment for her missionaries, while the United States and England had been willing to accept goods—firecrackers and tea.

The Churchill introduction would seem to have been his last speech for the year 1900, and he expected it, with one exception, to be the last for a long time. He realized that he was tired and that the strain upon him made any other sort of work out of the question. Writing to MacAlister at the end of the year, he said, “I seem to have made many speeches, but it is not so. It is not more than ten, I think.” Still, a respectable number in the space of two months, considering that each was carefully written and committed to memory, and all amid crushing social pressure. Again to MacAlister:

The Churchill introduction seemed to be his last speech for the year 1900, and he thought it, except for one, would be the last for a long while. He recognized that he was exhausted and that the stress he was under made any other kind of work impossible. Writing to MacAlister at the end of the year, he mentioned, “I feel like I’ve given a lot of speeches, but that’s not the case. It's no more than ten, I believe.” Still, that's a solid number in just two months, especially since each one was carefully written and memorized, all while dealing with intense social pressure. Again to MacAlister:

    I declined 7 banquets yesterday (which is double the daily average)
    & answered 29 letters. I have slaved at my mail every day since we
    arrived in mid-October, but Jean is learning to typewrite &
    presently I'll dictate & thereby save some scraps of time.
    I turned down 7 banquets yesterday (which is double the daily average) & responded to 29 letters. I've been working hard on my mail every day since we arrived in mid-October, but Jean is learning to type, so I'll be dictating soon and that should save me some time.

He added that after January 4th he did not intend to speak again for a year—that he would not speak then only that the matter concerned the reform of city government.

He mentioned that after January 4th, he didn’t plan to talk again for a year—saying that he would only speak then if it was about the reform of city government.

The occasion of January 4, 1901, was a rather important one. It was a meeting of the City Club, then engaged in the crusade for municipal reform. Wheeler H. Peckham presided, and Bishop Potter made the opening address. It all seems like ancient history now, and perhaps is not very vital any more; but the movement was making a great stir then, and Mark Twain's declaration that he believed forty-nine men out of fifty were honest, and that the forty-nine only needed to organize to disqualify the fiftieth man (always organized for crime), was quoted as a sort of slogan for reform.

The event on January 4, 1901, was quite significant. It was a meeting of the City Club, which was focused on pushing for municipal reform. Wheeler H. Peckham led the meeting, and Bishop Potter gave the opening remarks. It all feels like ancient history now and may not be very relevant anymore; however, at the time, the movement was creating quite a buzz, and Mark Twain's statement that he believed forty-nine out of fifty men were honest, and that the forty-nine just needed to come together to counter the one dishonest man (who was always organized for crime), became a kind of rallying cry for reform.

Clemens was not permitted to keep his resolution that he wouldn't speak again that year. He had become a sort of general spokesman on public matters, and demands were made upon him which could not be denied. He declined a Yale alumni dinner, but he could not refuse to preside at the Lincoln Birthday celebration at Carnegie Hall, February 11th, where he must introduce Watterson as the speaker of the evening.

Clemens couldn't stick to his decision not to speak again that year. He had become a kind of unofficial spokesperson on public issues, and people were making requests of him that he couldn’t ignore. He turned down an invitation to a Yale alumni dinner, but he couldn’t say no to presiding over the Lincoln Birthday celebration at Carnegie Hall on February 11th, where he had to introduce Watterson as the evening’s speaker.

“Think of it!” he wrote Twichell. “Two old rebels functioning there: I as president and Watterson as orator of the day! Things have changed somewhat in these forty years, thank God!”

“Can you believe it?” he wrote to Twichell. “Two old rebels doing their thing: me as president and Watterson as the speaker of the day! Things have changed a bit in these forty years, thank God!”

The Watterson introduction is one of the choicest of Mark Twain's speeches—a pure and perfect example of simple eloquence, worthy of the occasion which gave it utterance, worthy in spite of its playful paragraphs (or even because of them, for Lincoln would have loved them), to become the matrix of that imperishable Gettysburg phrase with which he makes his climax. He opened by dwelling for a moment on Colonel Watterson as a soldier, journalist, orator, statesman, and patriot; then he said:

The Watterson introduction is one of the best of Mark Twain's speeches—a clear and perfect example of straightforward eloquence, fitting for the occasion that inspired it, and deserving of its playful paragraphs (or maybe because of them, since Lincoln would have appreciated them), to serve as the foundation of that unforgettable Gettysburg phrase that he uses for his climax. He started by talking for a moment about Colonel Watterson as a soldier, journalist, orator, statesman, and patriot; then he said:

    It is a curious circumstance that without collusion of any kind, but
    merely in obedience to a strange and pleasant and dramatic freak of
    destiny, he and I, kinsmen by blood—[Colonel Watterson's forebears
    had intermarried with the Lamptons.]—for we are that—and one-time
    rebels—for we were that—should be chosen out of a million
    surviving quondam rebels to come here and bare our heads in
    reverence and love of that noble soul whom 40 years ago we tried
    with all our hearts and all our strength to defeat and dispossess
    —Abraham Lincoln! Is the Rebellion ended and forgotten? Are the
    Blue and the Gray one to-day? By authority of this sign we may
    answer yes; there was a Rebellion—that incident is closed.

    I was born and reared in a slave State, my father was a slaveowner;
    and in the Civil War I was a second lieutenant in the Confederate
    service. For a while. This second cousin of mine, Colonel
    Watterson, the orator of this present occasion, was born and reared
    in a slave State, was a colonel in the Confederate service, and
    rendered me such assistance as he could in my self-appointed great
    task of annihilating the Federal armies and breaking up the Union.
    I laid my plans with wisdom and foresight, and if Colonel Watterson
    had obeyed my orders I should have succeeded in my giant
    undertaking. It was my intention to drive General Grant into the
    Pacific—if I could get transportation—and I told Colonel Watterson
    to surround the Eastern armies and wait till I came. But he was
    insubordinate, and stood upon a punctilio of military etiquette; he
    refused to take orders from a second lieutenant—and the Union was
    saved. This is the first time that this secret has been revealed.
    Until now no one outside the family has known the facts. But there
    they stand: Watterson saved the Union. Yet to this day that man
    gets no pension. Those were great days, splendid days. What an
    uprising it was! For the hearts of the whole nation, North and
    South, were in the war. We of the South were not ashamed; for, like
    the men of the North, we were fighting for 'flags we loved; and when
    men fight for these things, and under these convictions, with
    nothing sordid to tarnish their cause, that cause is holy, the blood
    spilt for it is sacred, the life that is laid down for it is
    consecrated. To-day we no longer regret the result, to-day we are
    glad it came out as it did, but we are not ashamed that we did our
    endeavor; we did our bravest best, against despairing odds, for the
    cause which was precious to us and which our consciences approved;
    and we are proud—and you are proud—the kindred blood in your veins
    answers when I say it—you are proud of the record we made in those
    mighty collisions in the fields.

    What an uprising it was! We did not have to supplicate for soldiers
    on either side. “We are coming, Father Abraham, three hundred
    thousand strong!” That was the music North and South. The very
    choicest young blood and brawn and brain rose up from Maine to the
    Gulf and flocked to the standards—just as men always do when in
    their eyes their cause is great and fine and their hearts are in it;
    just as men flocked to the Crusades, sacrificing all they possessed
    to the cause, and entering cheerfully upon hardships which we cannot
    even imagine in this age, and upon toilsome and wasting journeys
    which in our time would be the equivalent of circumnavigating the
    globe five times over.

    North and South we put our hearts into that colossal struggle, and
    out of it came the blessed fulfilment of the prophecy of the
    immortal Gettysburg speech which said: “We here highly resolve that
    these dead shall not have died in vain; that this nation, under God,
    shall have a new birth of freedom; and that a government of the
    people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
    earth.”

    We are here to honor the birthday of the greatest citizen, and the
    noblest and the best, after Washington, that this land or any other
    has yet produced. The old wounds are healed, you and we are
    brothers again; you testify it by honoring two of us, once soldiers
    of the Lost Cause, and foes of your great and good leader—with the
    privilege of assisting here; and we testify it by laying our honest
    homage at the feet of Abraham Lincoln, and in forgetting that you of
    the North and we of the South were ever enemies, and remembering
    only that we are now indistinguishably fused together and nameable
    by one common great name—Americans!
    It's an interesting situation that, without any collusion, but simply because of a strange and wonderful twist of fate, he and I, related by blood—[Colonel Watterson's ancestors had intermarried with the Lamptons.]—which we are—and once rebels— which we were—should be chosen out of a million surviving former rebels to come here and pay our respects in reverence and love for that noble soul whom 40 years ago we tried with all our hearts and all our strength to defeat and dispossess—Abraham Lincoln! Is the Rebellion finished and forgotten? Are the Blue and the Gray united today? By the authority of this symbol, we can answer yes; there was a Rebellion—that chapter is closed.

    I was born and raised in a slave state, my father was a slaveowner; and in the Civil War, I was a second lieutenant in the Confederate Army. For a time. This second cousin of mine, Colonel Watterson, the speaker for this occasion, was born and raised in a slave state, was a colonel in the Confederate Army, and offered me what help he could in my self-assigned monumental task of defeating the Federal armies and breaking up the Union. I planned with wisdom and foresight, and if Colonel Watterson had followed my orders, I would have succeeded in my grand mission. I intended to drive General Grant into the Pacific—if I could get transportation—and I told Colonel Watterson to surround the Eastern armies and wait for me. But he was insubordinate, insisting on a point of military etiquette; he refused to take orders from a second lieutenant—and the Union was saved. This is the first time this secret has been revealed. Until now, no one outside the family has known the truth. But there it is: Watterson saved the Union. Yet to this day, that man receives no pension. Those were great days, glorious days. What a surge it was! For the hearts of the entire nation, North and South, were in the war. We in the South were not ashamed; for, like the men of the North, we were fighting for the flags we loved; and when men fight for these things, and under these beliefs, without anything sordid to tarnish their cause, that cause is sacred, the blood shed for it is holy, and the life laid down for it is consecrated. Today we no longer regret the outcome; we are glad it turned out as it did, but we are not ashamed of our efforts; we did our utmost against overwhelming odds, for the cause that was dear to us and which our consciences approved; and we are proud—and you are proud—the kindred blood in your veins responds when I say it—you are proud of the record we made during those monumental battles in the fields.

    What a surge it was! We didn’t have to beg for soldiers on either side. “We are coming, Father Abraham, three hundred thousand strong!” That was the rallying cry North and South. The very best young blood, brawn, and brains rose up from Maine to the Gulf and flocked to the flags—just as men always do when they believe their cause is noble and their hearts are in it; just as men joined the Crusades, sacrificing everything they had for the cause, willingly facing hardships we can't even imagine in this time, embarking on difficult and exhausting journeys that today would be comparable to circumnavigating the globe five times.

    North and South, we poured our hearts into that massive struggle, and from it came the blessed fulfillment of the prophecy from the immortal Gettysburg address which affirmed: “We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain; that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom; and that a government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

    We are here to honor the birthday of the greatest citizen, the noblest and best, second only to Washington, that this land or any other has ever produced. The old wounds have healed; you and we are brothers again; you demonstrate this by honoring two of us, once soldiers of the Lost Cause, and opponents of your great and good leader—with the privilege of participating here; and we demonstrate it by offering our sincere tribute at the feet of Abraham Lincoln, forgetting that you of the North and we of the South were once enemies, and remembering only that we are now seamlessly united and known by one common, great name—Americans!




CCXIV. MARK TWAIN AND THE MISSIONARIES

Mark Twain had really begun his crusade for reform soon after his arrival in America in a practical hand-to-hand manner. His housekeeper, Katie Leary, one night employed a cabman to drive her from the Grand Central Station to the house at 14 West Tenth Street. No contract had been made as to price, and when she arrived there the cabman's extortionate charge was refused. He persisted in it, and she sent into the house for her employer. Of all men, Mark Twain was the last one to countenance an extortion. He reasoned with the man kindly enough at first; when the driver at last became abusive Clemens demanded his number, which was at first refused. In the end he paid the legal fare, and in the morning entered a formal complaint, something altogether unexpected, for the American public is accustomed to suffering almost any sort of imposition to avoid trouble and publicity.

Mark Twain had really started his campaign for reform soon after he got to America, dealing with it directly and personally. One night, his housekeeper, Katie Leary, hired a cab to take her from Grand Central Station to their house at 14 West Tenth Street. They hadn’t agreed on a price beforehand, and when she got there, the cab driver tried to charge her an outrageous fare. He insisted on it, so she went inside to get her employer. Of all people, Mark Twain was the last one to put up with such extortion. He initially reasoned with the man kindly, but when the driver started being rude, Clemens demanded his cab number, which the driver refused to provide. In the end, he paid the legal fare and the next morning filed a formal complaint, which was quite unexpected, since the American public usually puts up with just about any unfair treatment to avoid conflict and attention.

In some notes which Clemens had made in London four years earlier he wrote:

In some notes that Clemens made in London four years earlier, he wrote:

    If you call a policeman to settle the dispute you can depend on one
    thing—he will decide it against you every time. And so will the
    New York policeman. In London if you carry your case into court the
    man that is entitled to win it will win it. In New York—but no one
    carries a cab case into court there. It is my impression that it is
    now more than thirty years since any one has carried a cab case into
    court there.
If you call a cop to resolve the argument, you can count on one thing—he will rule against you every time. And so will the NYPD. In London, if you take your case to court, the person who deserves to win will win. In New York—but no one takes a cab case to court there. I think it’s been more than thirty years since anyone has taken a cab case to court there.

Nevertheless, he was promptly on hand when the case was called to sustain the charge and to read the cabdrivers' union and the public in general a lesson in good-citizenship. At the end of the hearing, to a representative of the union he said:

Nevertheless, he was quickly present when the case was called to support the charge and to give the cabdrivers' union and the public in general a lesson in good citizenship. At the end of the hearing, he said to a representative of the union:

“This is not a matter of sentiment, my dear sir. It is simply practical business. You cannot imagine that I am making money wasting an hour or two of my time prosecuting a case in which I can have no personal interest whatever. I am doing this just as any citizen should do. He has no choice. He has a distinct duty. He is a non-classified policeman. Every citizen is, a policeman, and it is his duty to assist the police and the magistracy in every way he can, and give his time, if necessary, to do so. Here is a man who is a perfectly natural product of an infamous system in this city—a charge upon the lax patriotism in this city of New York that this thing can exist. You have encouraged him, in every way you know how to overcharge. He is not the criminal here at all. The criminal is the citizen of New York and the absence of patriotism. I am not here to avenge myself on him. I have no quarrel with him. My quarrel is with the citizens of New York, who have encouraged him, and who created him by encouraging him to overcharge in this way.”

“This isn't about feelings, my dear sir. It's just practical business. You can’t think that I’m making money by spending an hour or two on a case that doesn’t personally affect me at all. I’m doing this like any good citizen should. He doesn’t have a choice. He has a clear duty. He is an unofficial policeman. Every citizen is a policeman, and it's his responsibility to help the police and the justice system in every way he can, even if it takes up his time. Here is a man who is a direct result of a terrible system in this city—a burden on the weak patriotism in New York that allows this to happen. You have encouraged him in every way you can to overcharge. He’s not the real criminal here. The true criminal is the citizen of New York and the lack of patriotism. I’m not here to take revenge on him. I have no issue with him. My issue is with the citizens of New York, who have supported him and who created him by allowing this overcharging to happen.”

The driver's license was suspended. The case made a stir in the newspapers, and it is not likely that any one incident ever contributed more to cab-driving morals in New York City.

The driver's license was suspended. The case caused a sensation in the newspapers, and it's unlikely that any single incident ever did more for cab-driving ethics in New York City.

But Clemens had larger matters than this in prospect. His many speeches on municipal and national abuses he felt were more or less ephemeral. He proposed now to write himself down more substantially and for a wider hearing. The human race was behaving very badly: unspeakable corruption was rampant in the city; the Boers were being oppressed in South Africa; the natives were being murdered in the Philippines; Leopold of Belgium was massacring and mutilating the blacks in the Congo, and the allied powers, in the cause of Christ, were slaughtering the Chinese. In his letters he had more than once boiled over touching these matters, and for New-Year's Eve, 1900, had written:

But Clemens had bigger things on his mind. He believed his many speeches about local and national failures were mostly temporary. He now intended to write something more significant and for a broader audience. Humanity was acting in deplorable ways: terrible corruption was everywhere in the city; the Boers were being mistreated in South Africa; locals were being killed in the Philippines; Leopold of Belgium was slaughtering and torturing the people in the Congo, and the allied powers, in the name of Christ, were massacring the Chinese. In his letters, he had often expressed his outrage about these issues, and for New Year's Eve, 1900, he had written:

      A GREETING FROM THE NINETEENTH TO THE TWENTIETH CENTURY

    I bring you the stately nation named Christendom, returning,
    bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored, from pirate raids in Kiao-
    Chou, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Philippines, with her soul
    full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her mouth full of
    pious hypocrisies. Give her soap and towel, but hide the looking-
    glass.—[Prepared for Red Cross Society watch-meeting, which was
    postponed until March. Clemens recalled his “Greeting” for that
    reason and for one other, which he expressed thus: “The list of
    greeters thus far issued by you contains only vague generalities and
    one definite name—mine: 'Some kings and queens and Mark Twain.' Now
    I am not enjoying this sparkling solitude and distinction. It makes
    me feel like a circus-poster in a graveyard.”]
      A GREETING FROM THE NINETEENTH TO THE TWENTIETH CENTURY

    I bring you the grand nation called Christendom, coming back,
    worn out, tarnished, and dishonored, from raids in Kiao-
    Chou, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Philippines, with her spirit
    filled with bitterness, her pockets filled with cash, and her words
    full of sham piety. Give her soap and a towel, but let’s hide the mirror.—[Prepared for the Red Cross Society watch-meeting, which was
    postponed until March. Clemens recalled his “Greeting” for that
    reason and for another, which he expressed like this: “The list of
    greeters so far issued by you contains only vague generalities and
    one specific name—mine: 'Some kings and queens and Mark Twain.' Now
    I’m not enjoying this sparkling solitude and distinction. It makes me feel
    like a circus poster in a graveyard.”]

This was a sort of preliminary. Then, restraining himself no longer, he embodied his sentiments in an article for the North American Review entitled, “To the Person Sitting in Darkness.” There was crying need for some one to speak the right word. He was about the only one who could do it and be certain of a universal audience. He took as his text some Christmas Eve clippings from the New York Tribune and Sun which he had been saving for this purpose. The Tribune clipping said:

This was a kind of introduction. Then, unable to hold back any longer, he put his thoughts into an article for the North American Review titled, “To the Person Sitting in Darkness.” There was a urgent need for someone to say the right thing. He was pretty much the only person who could do it and be sure of reaching a wide audience. He used some Christmas Eve clippings from the New York Tribune and Sun that he had saved for this purpose as his starting point. The Tribune clipping said:

    Christmas will dawn in the United States over a people full of hope
    and aspiration and good cheer. Such a condition means contentment
    and happiness. The carping grumbler who may here and there go forth
    will find few to listen to him. The majority will wonder what is
    the matter with him, and pass on.
    Christmas will arrive in the United States with a sense of hope, ambition, and joy. This atmosphere brings contentment and happiness. The constant complainer who shows up now and then will find few people willing to listen. Most will be curious about what’s wrong with him and simply move on.

A Sun clipping depicted the “terrible offenses against humanity committed in the name of politics in some of the most notorious East Side districts “—the unmissionaried, unpoliced darker New York. The Sun declared that they could not be pictured even verbally. But it suggested enough to make the reader shudder at the hideous depths of vice in the sections named. Another clipping from the same paper reported the “Rev. Mr. Ament, of the American Board of Foreign Missions,” as having collected indemnities for Boxer damages in China at the rate of three hundred taels for each murder, “full payment for all destroyed property belonging to Christians, and national fines amounting to thirteen times the indemnity.” It quoted Mr. Ament as saying that the money so obtained was used for the propagation of the Gospel, and that the amount so collected was moderate when compared with the amount secured by the Catholics, who had demanded, in addition to money, life for life, that is to say, “head for head”—in one district six hundred and eighty heads having been so collected.

A clipping from The Sun described the “horrific crimes against humanity committed for political reasons in some of the most infamous East Side neighborhoods”—the neglected, unpoliced dark areas of New York. The Sun claimed that these could not even be adequately described in words. However, it hinted enough to make readers shudder at the shocking levels of vice in those neighborhoods. Another clipping from the same paper reported that the “Rev. Mr. Ament, of the American Board of Foreign Missions,” had collected indemnities for damages from the Boxer Rebellion in China at the rate of three hundred taels for each murder, “full payment for all destroyed property belonging to Christians, and national fines totaling thirteen times the indemnity.” It quoted Mr. Ament as saying that the funds raised were used to spread the Gospel and that the total collected was moderate compared to the amount claimed by the Catholics, who demanded, in addition to money, a life for a life, which meant “head for head”—in one area, six hundred and eighty heads were collected.

The despatch made Mr. Ament say a great deal more than this, but the gist here is enough. Mark Twain, of course, was fiercely stirred. The missionary idea had seldom appealed to him, and coupled with this business of bloodshed, it was less attractive than usual. He printed the clippings in full, one following the other; then he said:

The message made Mr. Ament say a lot more than this, but the main point here is enough. Mark Twain, of course, was really upset. The idea of missionary work rarely appealed to him, and combined with this issue of violence, it was even less appealing than usual. He printed the clippings in full, one after another; then he said:

    By happy luck we get all these glad tidings on Christmas Eve—just
    the time to enable us to celebrate the day with proper gaiety and
    enthusiasm. Our spirits soar and we find we can even make jokes;
    taels I win, heads you lose.
By some fortunate chance, we receive all these good news on Christmas Eve—right in time for us to celebrate the day with joy and excitement. Our spirits lift, and we discover we can even joke around; taels I win, heads you lose.

He went on to score Ament, to compare the missionary policy in China to that of the Pawnee Indians, and to propose for him a monument—subscriptions to be sent to the American Board. He denounced the national policies in Africa, China, and the Philippines, and showed by the reports and by the private letters of soldiers home, how cruel and barbarous and fiendish had been the warfare made by those whose avowed purpose was to carry the blessed light of civilization and Gospel “to the benighted native”—how in very truth these priceless blessings had been handed on the point of a bayonet to the “Person Sitting in Darkness.”

He went on to score Ament, to compare the missionary policy in China with that of the Pawnee Indians, and to propose a monument for him—subscriptions to be sent to the American Board. He condemned the national policies in Africa, China, and the Philippines, and illustrated through reports and soldiers' private letters home, how cruel and barbaric the warfare had been carried out by those claiming to bring the blessed light of civilization and the Gospel “to the benighted native”—how, in reality, these invaluable blessings had been delivered on the tip of a bayonet to the “Person Sitting in Darkness.”

Mark Twain never wrote anything more scorching, more penetrating in its sarcasm, more fearful in its revelation of injustice and hypocrisy, than his article “To the Person Sitting in Darkness.” He put aquafortis on all the raw places, and when it was finished he himself doubted the wisdom of printing it. Howells, however, agreed that it should be published, and “it ought to be illustrated by Dan Beard,” he added, “with such pictures as he made for the Yankee in King Arthur's Court, but you'd better hang yourself afterward.”

Mark Twain never wrote anything more intense, more sharp in its sarcasm, or more revealing of injustice and hypocrisy than his article “To the Person Sitting in Darkness.” He covered all the sensitive spots, and when it was done, he questioned whether it was a good idea to publish it. However, Howells thought it should be published, and he added, “it ought to be illustrated by Dan Beard,” “with the kind of pictures he made for the Yankee in King Arthur's Court, but you'd better hang yourself afterward.”

Meeting Beard a few days later, Clemens mentioned the matter and said:

Meeting Beard a few days later, Clemens brought up the issue and said:

“So if you make the pictures, you hang with me.”

“So if you take the pictures, you hang out with me.”

But pictures were not required. It was published in the North American Review for February, 1901, as the opening article; after which the cyclone. Two storms moving in opposite directions produce a cyclone, and the storms immediately developed; one all for Mark Twain and his principles, the other all against him. Every paper in England and America commented on it editorially, with bitter denunciations or with eager praise, according to their lights and convictions.

But pictures weren't necessary. It was published in the North American Review for February 1901, as the lead article; after which the cyclone began. Two storms moving in opposite directions create a cyclone, and the storms quickly formed; one completely in favor of Mark Twain and his principles, the other entirely against him. Every newspaper in England and America commented on it editorially, with harsh criticisms or enthusiastic praise, depending on their views and beliefs.

At 14 West Tenth Street letters, newspaper clippings, documents poured in by the bushel—laudations, vituperations, denunciations, vindications; no such tumult ever occurred in a peaceful literary home. It was really as if he had thrown a great missile into the human hive, one-half of which regarded it as a ball of honey and the remainder as a cobblestone. Whatever other effect it may have had, it left no thinking person unawakened.

At 14 West Tenth Street, letters, newspaper clippings, and documents poured in by the bushel—praises, criticisms, accusations, and justifications; no such chaos ever happened in a calm literary home. It was as if he had thrown a massive object into the human hive, with one half seeing it as a ball of honey and the other half as a stone. Whatever other effects it may have had, it left no thoughtful person unaffected.

Clemens reveled in it. W. A. Rogers, in Harper's Weekly, caricatured him as Tom Sawyer in a snow fort, assailed by the shower of snowballs, “having the time of his life.” Another artist, Fred Lewis, pictured him as Huck Finn with a gun.

Clemens loved it. W. A. Rogers, in Harper's Weekly, drew him as Tom Sawyer in a snow fort, bombarded by a hail of snowballs, “having the time of his life.” Another artist, Fred Lewis, depicted him as Huck Finn with a gun.

The American Board was naturally disturbed. The Ament clipping which Clemens had used had been public property for more than a month—its authenticity never denied; but it was immediately denied now, and the cable kept hot with inquiries.

The American Board was understandably upset. The Ament article that Clemens had used had been publicly available for over a month—its authenticity had never been questioned; but now it was quickly denied, and the phone lines were buzzing with inquiries.

The Rev. Judson Smith, one of the board, took up the defense of Dr. Ament, declaring him to be one who had suffered for the cause, and asked Mark Twain, whose “brilliant article,” he said, “would produce an effect quite beyond the reach of plain argument,” not to do an innocent man an injustice. Clemens in the same paper replied that such was not his intent, that Mr. Ament in his report had simply arraigned himself.

The Rev. Judson Smith, a board member, defended Dr. Ament, claiming he was someone who had suffered for the cause. He asked Mark Twain, whose "brilliant article," he said, "would have an impact far greater than simple argument," not to do an innocent man wrong. In the same paper, Clemens responded that this was not his intention, noting that Mr. Ament, in his report, had merely implicated himself.

Then it suddenly developed that the cable report had “grossly exaggerated” the amount of Mr. Ament's collections. Instead of thirteen times the indemnity it should have read “one and a third times” the indemnity; whereupon, in another open letter, the board demanded retraction and apology. Clemens would not fail to make the apology—at least he would explain. It was precisely the kind of thing that would appeal to him—the delicate moral difference between a demand thirteen times as great as it should be and a demand that was only one and a third times the correct amount. “To My Missionary Critics,” in the North American Review for April (1901), was his formal and somewhat lengthy reply.

Then it suddenly became clear that the cable report had "grossly exaggerated" the amount of Mr. Ament's collections. Instead of saying thirteen times the indemnity, it should have said "one and a third times" the indemnity; consequently, in another open letter, the board demanded a retraction and an apology. Clemens wouldn't shy away from making the apology—at least he would explain. This was exactly the kind of situation that would interest him—the subtle moral difference between a demand thirteen times higher than it should be and one that was only one and a third times the correct amount. "To My Missionary Critics," published in the North American Review for April (1901), was his formal and somewhat lengthy response.

“I have no prejudice against apologies,” he wrote. “I trust I shall never withhold one when it is due.”

"I have no issues with apologies," he wrote. "I hope I'll never hold back one when it's deserved."

He then proceeded to make out his case categorically. Touching the exaggerated indemnity, he said:

He then went on to clearly state his case. Regarding the inflated compensation, he said:

To Dr. Smith the “thirteen-fold-extra” clearly stood for “theft and extortion,” and he was right, distinctly right, indisputably right. He manifestly thinks that when it got scaled away down to a mere “one-third” a little thing like that was some other than “theft and extortion.” Why, only the board knows!

To Dr. Smith, the "thirteen-fold-extra" obviously represented "theft and extortion," and he was correct, completely correct, undeniably correct. He clearly believes that when it was reduced to just "one-third," it was something different from "theft and extortion." Who knows why!

I will try to explain this difficult problem so that the board can get an idea of it. If a pauper owes me a dollar and I catch him unprotected and make him pay me fourteen dollars thirteen of it is “theft and extortion.” If I make him pay only one dollar thirty-three and a third cents the thirty-three and a third cents are “theft and extortion,” just the same.

I will try to explain this complicated issue so that the board can understand it. If a poor person owes me a dollar and I catch him off guard and force him to pay me fourteen dollars, then thirteen of that is considered “theft and extortion.” If I make him pay just one dollar and thirty-three and a third cents, the thirty-three and a third cents are still considered “theft and extortion.”

I will put it in another way still simpler. If a man owes me one dog—any kind of a dog, the breed is of no consequence—and I—but let it go; the board would never understand it. It can't understand these involved and difficult things.

I'll put it another way that's even simpler. If someone owes me a dog—any breed, it doesn't matter—and I—but never mind; the board wouldn't get it anyway. It can't grasp these complicated and tricky matters.

He offered some further illustrations, including the “Tale of a King and His Treasure” and another tale entitled “The Watermelons.”

He provided some additional examples, including the “Story of a King and His Treasure” and another story called “The Watermelons.”

    I have it now. Many years ago, when I was studying for the gallows,
    I had a dear comrade, a youth who was not in my line, but still a
    scrupulously good fellow though devious. He was preparing to
    qualify for a place on the board, for there was going to be a
    vacancy by superannuation in about five years. This was down South,
    in the slavery days. It was the nature of the negro then, as now,
    to steal watermelons. They stole three of the melons of an adoptive
    brother of mine, the only good ones he had. I suspected three of a
    neighbor's negroes, but there was no proof, and, besides, the
    watermelons in those negroes' private patches were all green and
    small and not up to indemnity standard. But in the private patches
    of three other negroes there was a number of competent melons. I
    consulted with my comrade, the understudy of the board. He said
    that if I would approve his arrangements he would arrange. I said,
    “Consider me the board; I approve; arrange.” So he took a gun and
    went and collected three large melons for my brother-on-the-
    halfshell, and one over. I was greatly pleased and asked:

    “Who gets the extra one?”
     “Widows and orphans.”

    “A good idea, too. Why didn't you take thirteen?”

    “It would have been wrong; a crime, in fact-theft and extortion.”

    “What is the one-third extra—the odd melon—the same?”

    It caused him to reflect. But there was no result.

    The justice of the peace was a stern man. On the trial he found
    fault with the scheme and required us to explain upon what we based
    our strange conduct—as he called it. The understudy said:

    “On the custom of the niggers. They all do it.”—[The point had
    been made by the board that it was the Chinese custom to make the
    inhabitants of a village responsible for individual crimes; and
    custom, likewise, to collect a third in excess of the damage, such
    surplus having been applied to the support of widows and orphans of
    the slain converts.]

    The justice forgot his dignity and descended to sarcasm.

    “Custom of the niggers! Are our morals so inadequate that we have
    to borrow of niggers?”

    Then he said to the jury: “Three melons were owing; they were
    collected from persons not proven to owe them: this is theft; they
    were collected by compulsion: this is extortion. A melon was added
    for the widows and orphans. It was owed by no one. It is another
    theft, another extortion. Return it whence it came, with the
    others. It is not permissible here to apply to any purpose goods
    dishonestly obtained; not even to the feeding of widows and orphans,
    for this would be to put a shame upon charity and dishonor it.”

    He said it in open court, before everybody, and to me it did not
    seem very kind.
I get it now. Many years ago, when I was preparing for the gallows, I had a good friend, a young guy who wasn't in my field but was still a really decent fellow, even if he was a bit tricky. He was getting ready to qualify for a spot on the board since there was going to be an opening from retirement in about five years. This was back in the South during the days of slavery. Back then, like now, it was common for the Black folks to steal watermelons. They took three of the melons from my adoptive brother, the only good ones he had. I suspected three of a neighbor's Black workers, but there was no proof, and besides, the watermelons in those guys' gardens were all small and green, not worth anything. But in the private gardens of three other Black workers, there were plenty of good melons. I talked to my friend, who was the board's understudy. He said if I would approve his plans, he would take care of it. I said, “Think of me as the board; I approve; go for it.” So he grabbed a gun and went to collect three big melons for my brother, plus one extra. I was really happy and asked:

“Who gets the extra one?”  
“Widows and orphans.”  

“That’s a good idea. Why didn’t you grab thirteen?”  

“Because that would be wrong; it would actually be a crime—theft and extortion.”  

“What about the extra one—the odd melon—isn’t that the same?”  

It made him think. But there was no conclusion.

The justice of the peace was a tough man. During the trial, he criticized the plan and demanded that we explain our unusual behavior, as he put it. The understudy said, “Based on the custom of the Black folks. They all do it.” —[The board had pointed out that it was a Chinese custom to hold a village accountable for individual crimes; and it was also customary to collect an extra third in damages, with that surplus going to support the widows and orphans of the deceased.] 

The justice dropped his formal tone and became sarcastic. 

“Custom of the Black folks! Are our morals so lacking that we have to take cues from them?”  

Then he addressed the jury: “Three melons were owed; they were taken from people not proven to owe them: this is theft; they were taken by force: this is extortion. An extra melon was added for the widows and orphans. No one owed it. That’s another theft, another extortion. Return it to where it came from, along with the others. It’s not acceptable here to use goods obtained dishonestly for any purpose, not even to feed widows and orphans, because that would bring shame to charity and dishonor it.”  

He said this openly in court, in front of everyone, and to me, it didn’t seem very nice at all.

It was in the midst of the tumult that Clemens, perhaps feeling the need of sacred melody, wrote to Andrew Carnegie:

It was during the chaos that Clemens, perhaps feeling a need for something uplifting, wrote to Andrew Carnegie:

DEAR SIR & FRIEND,—You seem to be in prosperity. Could you lend an admirer $1.50 to buy a hymn-book with? God will bless you. I feel it; I know it.

DEAR SIR & FRIEND,—You seem to be doing well. Could you lend an admirer $1.50 to buy a hymn book? God will bless you. I feel it; I know it.

N. B.—If there should be other applications, this one not to count.

N. B.—If there are other applications, don’t count this one.

Yours, MARK.

Best, MARK.

P. S.-Don't send the hymn-book; send the money; I want to make the selection myself.

P. S.-Don't send the hymn book; send the money; I want to choose the songs myself.

Carnegie answered:

Carnegie replied:

    Nothing less than a two-dollar & a half hymn-book gilt will do for
    you. Your place in the choir (celestial) demands that & you shall
    have it.

    There's a new Gospel of Saint Mark in the North American which I
    like better than anything I've read for many a day.

    I am willing to borrow a thousand dollars to distribute that sacred
    message in proper form, & if the author don't object may I send that
    sum, when I can raise it, to the Anti-Imperialist League, Boston, to
    which I am a contributor, the only missionary work I am responsible
    for.

    Just tell me you are willing & many thousands of the holy little
    missals will go forth. This inimitable satire is to become a
    classic. I count among my privileges in life that I know you, the
    author.
    Nothing less than a two-and-a-half-dollar gilt hymn book will do for you. Your spot in the celestial choir demands it, and you’ll have it.

    There’s a new Gospel of Saint Mark in the North American that I like more than anything I’ve read in a long time.

    I’m willing to borrow a thousand dollars to distribute that sacred message properly, and if the author doesn’t mind, may I send that amount, when I can raise it, to the Anti-Imperialist League in Boston, which I contribute to—it's the only missionary work I’m responsible for.

    Just let me know you’re on board, and many thousands of those holy little missals will go out. This unique satire is destined to become a classic. I consider it one of my privileges in life that I know you, the author.

Perhaps a few more of the letters invited by Mark Twain's criticism of missionary work in China may still be of interest to the reader: Frederick T. Cook, of the Hospital Saturday and Sunday Association, wrote: “I hail you as the Voltaire of America. It is a noble distinction. God bless you and see that you weary not in well-doing in this noblest, sublimest of crusades.”

Perhaps a few more of the letters inspired by Mark Twain's criticism of missionary work in China might still interest the reader: Frederick T. Cook, from the Hospital Saturday and Sunday Association, wrote: “I greet you as the Voltaire of America. It’s a great honor. God bless you and keep you strong in your important work in this greatest, most uplifting of missions.”

Ministers were by no means all against him. The associate pastor of the Every-day Church, in Boston, sent this line: “I want to thank you for your matchless article in the current North American. It must make converts of well-nigh all who read it.”

Ministers were definitely not all opposed to him. The associate pastor of the Every-day Church in Boston sent this note: “I want to thank you for your incredible article in the latest North American. It’s bound to win over almost everyone who reads it.”

But a Boston school-teacher was angry. “I have been reading the North American,” she wrote, “and I am filled with shame and remorse that I have dreamed of asking you to come to Boston to talk to the teachers.”

But a Boston school teacher was upset. “I’ve been reading the North American,” she wrote, “and I feel ashamed and regretful that I ever thought about asking you to come to Boston to speak to the teachers.”

On the outside of the envelope Clemens made this pencil note:

On the outside of the envelope, Clemens wrote this note in pencil:

“Now, I suppose I offended that young lady by having an opinion of my own, instead of waiting and copying hers. I never thought. I suppose she must be as much as twenty-five, and probably the only patriot in the country.”

“Now, I guess I upset that young woman by having my own opinion instead of just waiting to echo hers. I never realized. I suppose she’s about twenty-five, and probably the only true patriot in the country.”

A critic with a sense of humor asked: “Please excuse seeming impertinence, but were you ever adjudged insane? Be honest. How much money does the devil give you for arraigning Christianity and missionary causes?”

A critic with a sense of humor asked, “Sorry if this seems rude, but have you ever been declared insane? Be honest. How much money does the devil pay you for attacking Christianity and missionary efforts?”

But there were more of the better sort. Edward S. Martin, in a grateful letter, said: “How gratifying it is to feel that we have a man among us who understands the rarity of the plain truth, and who delights to utter it, and has the gift of doing so without cant and with not too much seriousness.”

But there were more of the better sort. Edward S. Martin, in a thankful letter, said: “How satisfying it is to know we have someone among us who recognizes the rarity of straightforward truth, who enjoys expressing it, and who has the ability to do so without pretense and without being overly serious.”

Sir Hiram Maxim wrote: “I give you my candid opinion that what you have done is of very great value to the civilization of the world. There is no man living whose words carry greater weight than your own, as no one's writings are so eagerly sought after by all classes.”

Sir Hiram Maxim wrote: “I’m giving you my honest opinion that what you’ve done is incredibly valuable to global civilization. There’s no one alive whose words are more powerful than yours, and no one’s writings are as eagerly sought after by all sorts of people.”

Clemens himself in his note-book set down this aphorism:

Clemens himself wrote this saying in his notebook:

“Do right and you will be conspicuous.”

“Do the right thing and you will stand out.”





CCXV. SUMMER AT “THE LAIR”

In June Clemens took the family to Saranac Lake, to Ampersand. They occupied a log cabin which he called “The Lair,” on the south shore, near the water's edge, a remote and beautiful place where, as had happened before, they were so comfortable and satisfied that they hoped to return another summer. There were swimming and boating and long walks in the woods; the worry and noise of the world were far away. They gave little enough attention to the mails. They took only a weekly paper, and were likely to allow it to lie in the postoffice uncalled for. Clemens, especially, loved the place, and wrote to Twichell:

In June, Clemens took the family to Saranac Lake, to Ampersand. They stayed in a log cabin he called “The Lair,” on the south shore, right by the water, in a remote and beautiful spot where, like before, they felt so comfortable and content that they hoped to come back another summer. They enjoyed swimming, boating, and long walks in the woods; the worries and noise of the world felt far away. They paid little attention to the mail. They only took a weekly newspaper and often left it sitting at the post office, uncollected. Clemens, in particular, loved the place and wrote to Twichell:

    I am on the front porch (lower one-main deck) of our little bijou of
    a dwelling-house. The lake edge (Lower Saranac) is so nearly under
    me that I can't see the shore, but only the water, small-poxed with
    rain splashes—for there is a heavy down pour. It is charmingly
    like sitting snuggled up on a ship's deck with the stretching sea
    all around but very much more satisfactory, for at sea a rainstorm
    is depressing, while here of course the effect engendered is just a
    deep sense of comfort & contentment. The heavy forest shuts us
    solidly in on three sides—there are no neighbors. There are
    beautiful little tan-colored impudent squirrels about. They take
    tea 5 P.M. (not invited) at the table in the woods where Jean does
    my typewriting, & one of them has been brave enough to sit upon
    Jean's knee with his tail curved over his back & munch his food.
    They come to dinner 7 P.M. on the front porch (not invited), but
    Clara drives them away. It is an occupation which requires some
    industry & attention to business. They all have the one name
    —Blennerhasset, from Burr's friend—& none of them answers to it
    except when hungry.
I’m on the front porch (the lower main deck) of our little gem of a house. The edge of the lake (Lower Saranac) is so close that I can't see the shore, only the water, pocked with raindrops because it’s pouring outside. It feels just like being snug on a ship's deck surrounded by an endless sea, but it’s way better. At sea, a rainstorm feels gloomy, but here it brings a deep sense of comfort and contentment. The thick forest surrounds us on three sides—there are no neighbors. There are cute little tan squirrels around, and they have tea at 5 PM (not invited) at the table in the woods where Jean does my typing. One of them got brave enough to sit on Jean's lap with his tail curled over his back and munch on his food. They show up for dinner at 7 PM on the front porch (not invited), but Clara shoos them away. It takes some effort and focus to keep them at bay. They all share the same name—Blennerhasset, after Burr's friend—but none of them responds to it unless they’re hungry.

Clemens could work at “The Lair,” often writing in shady seclusions along the shore, and he finished there the two-part serial,—[ Published in Harper's Magazine for January and February, 1902.]—“The Double-Barrelled Detective Story,” intended originally as a burlesque on Sherlock Holmes. It did not altogether fulfil its purpose, and is hardly to be ranked as one of Mark Twain's successes. It contains, however, one paragraph at least by which it is likely to be remembered, a hoax—his last one—on the reader. It runs as follows:

Clemens could work at “The Lair,” often writing in shady spots along the shore, and he completed the two-part serial,—[Published in Harper's Magazine for January and February, 1902.]—“The Double-Barrelled Detective Story,” which was originally meant to be a parody of Sherlock Holmes. It didn’t fully achieve that goal and isn’t really considered one of Mark Twain's successes. However, it does include at least one paragraph that is likely to be remembered, a hoax—his last one—on the reader. It says:

    It was a crisp and spicy morning in early October. The lilacs and
    laburnums, lit with the glory-fires of autumn, hung burning and
    flashing in the upper air, a fairy bridge provided by kind nature
    for the wingless wild things that have their home in the tree-tops
    and would visit together; the larch and the pomegranate flung their
    purple and yellow flames in brilliant broad splashes along the
    slanting sweep of woodland, the sensuous fragrance of innumerable
    deciduous flowers rose upon the swooning atmosphere, far in the
    empty sky a solitary oesophagus slept upon motionless wing;
    everywhere brooded stillness, serenity, and the peace of God.
    It was a crisp and vibrant morning in early October. The lilacs and
    laburnums, glowing with the brilliant colors of autumn, hung brightly
    in the sky, a magical bridge created by nature for the wingless creatures 
    that make their home in the treetops and come to visit; the larch 
    and the pomegranate splashed their purple and yellow hues across the 
    sloping woodland, the rich scent of countless deciduous flowers 
    filled the air, and far in the empty sky, a lone bird soared on 
    still wings; everywhere there was a sense of calm, peace, and serenity.

The warm light and luxury of this paragraph are factitious. The careful reader will, note that its various accessories are ridiculously associated, and only the most careless reader will accept the oesophagus as a bird. But it disturbed a great many admirers, and numerous letters of inquiry came wanting to know what it was all about. Some suspected the joke and taunted him with it; one such correspondent wrote:

The warm light and luxury of this paragraph are fake. A careful reader will notice that its various elements are absurdly linked, and only the most careless reader would think of the esophagus as a bird. However, it upset a lot of admirers, and many inquiry letters arrived asking what it was all about. Some suspected there was a joke and teased him about it; one such correspondent wrote:

    MY DEAR MARK TWAIN,—Reading your “Double-Barrelled Detective Story”
     in the January Harper's late one night I came to the paragraph where
    you so beautifully describe “a crisp and spicy morning in early
    October.” I read along down the paragraph, conscious only of its
    woozy sound, until I brought up with a start against your oesophagus
    in the empty sky. Then I read the paragraph again. Oh, Mark Twain!
    Mark Twain! How could you do it? Put a trap like that into the
    midst of a tragical story? Do serenity and peace brood over you
    after you have done such a thing?

    Who lit the lilacs, and which end up do they hang? When did larches
    begin to flame, and who set out the pomegranates in that canyon?
    What are deciduous flowers, and do they always “bloom in the fall,
    tra la”?

    I have been making myself obnoxious to various people by demanding
    their opinion of that paragraph without telling them the name of the
    author. They say, “Very well done.” “The alliteration is so
    pretty.” “What's an oesophagus, a bird?” “What's it all mean,
    anyway?” I tell them it means Mark Twain, and that an oesophagus is
    a kind of swallow. Am I right? Or is it a gull? Or a gullet?

    Hereafter if you must write such things won't you please be so kind
    as to label them?
                     Very sincerely yours,
                                ALLETTA F. DEAN.
    MY DEAR MARK TWAIN,—Late one night, I read your “Double-Barrelled Detective Story” in the January Harper's and came across the part where you beautifully describe “a crisp and spicy morning in early October.” I kept reading, lost in the rhythm of the words, until I suddenly stumbled upon your oesophagus in the empty sky. I read it again. Oh, Mark Twain! Mark Twain! How could you do that? Put a trap like that in the middle of such a serious story? Do you feel calm and peaceful after pulling off something like that?

    Who lit the lilacs, and which way do they hang? When did larches start to flame, and who placed the pomegranates in that canyon? What are deciduous flowers, and do they really “bloom in the fall, tra la”?

    I've been annoying various people by asking for their thoughts on that paragraph without revealing the author's name. They say, “Very well done.” “The alliteration is so lovely.” “What's an oesophagus, a bird?” “What does it all mean, anyway?” I tell them it means Mark Twain, and that an oesophagus is a kind of swallow. Am I right? Or is it a gull? Or a gullet?

    From now on, if you write such things, could you please label them?  
                     Very sincerely yours,  
                                ALLETTA F. DEAN.

Mark Twain to Miss Dean:

Mark Twain to Miss Dean:

    Don't you give that oesophagus away again or I'll never trust you
    with another privacy!
Don't you give that esophagus away again or I'll never trust you with another secret!

So many wrote, that Clemens finally felt called upon to make public confession, and as one searching letter had been mailed from Springfield, Massachusetts, he made his reply through the Republican of that city. After some opening comment he said:

So many people wrote to him that Clemens eventually felt compelled to make a public confession, and after receiving a specific letter sent from Springfield, Massachusetts, he decided to respond through the Republican newspaper in that city. Following some introductory remarks, he said:

    I published a short story lately & it was in that that I put the
    oesophagus. I will say privately that I expected it to bother some
    people—in fact, that was the intention—but the harvest has been
    larger than I was calculating upon. The oesophagus has gathered in
    the guilty and the innocent alike, whereas I was only fishing for
    the innocent—the innocent and confiding.
    I recently published a short story, and in it, I included the oesophagus. I’ll admit privately that I anticipated it would upset some people—in fact, that was the goal—but the reaction has been more than I expected. The oesophagus has attracted both the guilty and the innocent, whereas I was only aiming to catch the innocent—the innocent and trusting.

He quoted a letter from a schoolmaster in the Philippines who thought the passage beautiful with the exception of the curious creature which “slept upon motionless wings.” Said Clemens:

He quoted a letter from a teacher in the Philippines who found the passage beautiful except for the strange creature that “slept upon motionless wings.” Clemens said:

    Do you notice? Nothing in the paragraph disturbed him but that one
    word. It shows that that paragraph was most ably constructed for
    the deception it was intended to put upon the reader. It was my
    intention that it should read plausibly, and it is now plain that it
    does; it was my intention that it should be emotional and touching,
    and you see yourself that it fetched this public instructor. Alas!
    if I had but left that one treacherous word out I should have
    scored, scored everywhere, and the paragraph would have slidden
    through every reader's sensibilities like oil and left not a
    suspicion behind.

    The other sample inquiry is from a professor in a New England
    university. It contains one naughty word (which I cannot bear to
    suppress), but he is not in the theological department, so it is no
    harm:

    “DEAR MR. CLEMENS,—'Far in the empty sky a solitary oesophagus
    slept upon motionless wing.'

    “It is not often I get a chance to read much periodical literature,
    but I have just gone through at this belated period, with much
    gratification and edification, your 'Double-Barrelled Detective
    Story.'

    “But what in hell is an oesophagus? I keep one myself, but it never
    sleeps in the air or anywhere else. My profession is to deal with
    words, and oesophagus interested me the moment I lighted upon it.
    But, as a companion of my youth used to say, 'I'll be eternally,
    co-eternally cussed' if I can make it out. Is it a joke or am I an
    ignoramus?”

    Between you and me, I was almost ashamed of having fooled that man,
    but for pride's sake I was not going to say so. I wrote and told
    him it was a joke—and that is what I am now saying to my
    Springfield inquirer. And I told him to carefully read the whole
    paragraph and he would find not a vestige of sense in any detail of
    it. This also I recommend to my Springfield inquirer.

    I have confessed. I am sorry—partially. I will not do so any
    more—for the present. Don't ask me any more questions; let the
    oesophagus have a rest—on his same old motionless wing.
Do you notice? Nothing in the paragraph bothered him except for that one word. It shows that the paragraph was skillfully crafted to deceive the reader. I intended for it to sound believable, and it’s clear that it does; I wanted it to be emotional and touching, and you can see for yourself that it moved this public instructor. Unfortunately! If I had just left that one misleading word out, I would have succeeded everywhere, and the paragraph would have slipped through every reader's sensitivities smoothly and left no suspicion behind.

The other inquiry comes from a professor at a New England university. It has one naughty word (which I can’t bring myself to omit), but since he isn’t in the theology department, it’s no problem:

“DEAR MR. CLEMENS,—‘Far in the empty sky a solitary oesophagus slept upon motionless wing.’

“It’s not often I get a chance to read much periodical literature, but I just finished your 'Double-Barrelled Detective Story' with a lot of enjoyment and learning.

“But what the heck is an oesophagus? I have one myself, but it never sleeps in the air or anywhere else. My job is to work with words, and the moment I stumbled upon oesophagus, it caught my interest. But, as a friend from my youth used to say, ‘I’ll be eternally, co-eternally cursed’ if I can figure it out. Is it a joke or am I just ignorant?”

Between you and me, I felt a bit ashamed for having tricked that guy, but I wasn’t going to admit it for the sake of my pride. I wrote back and told him it was a joke—and that’s what I’m telling my Springfield inquirer now. I also told him to carefully read the whole paragraph and he would find no trace of sense in any part of it. I recommend the same to my Springfield inquirer.

I’ve confessed. I’m sorry—sort of. I won’t do it again—for now. Don’t ask me any more questions; let the oesophagus rest—on its same old motionless wing.

He wrote Twichell that the story had been a six-day 'tour de force', twenty-five thousand words, and he adds:

He told Twichell that the story had been a six-day 'tour de force', twenty-five thousand words, and he adds:

    How long it takes a literary seed to sprout sometimes! This seed was
    planted in your house many years ago when you sent me to bed with a
    book not heard of by me until then—Sherlock Holmes....
    I've done a grist of writing here this summer, but not for
    publication soon, if ever. I did write two satisfactory articles
    for early print, but I've burned one of them & have buried the other
    in my large box of posthumous stuff. I've got stacks of literary
    remains piled up there.
How long it takes for a literary idea to take root sometimes! This idea was planted in your home many years ago when you sent me to bed with a book I had never heard of before—Sherlock Holmes.... I've done quite a bit of writing this summer, but not for publication anytime soon, if at all. I did write two decent articles for early publication, but I've burned one of them and buried the other in my big box of leftover stuff. I've got piles of literary remains stacked up there.

Early in August Clemens went with H. H. Rogers in his yacht Kanawha on a cruise to New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. Rogers had made up a party, including ex-Speaker Reed, Dr. Rice, and Col. A. G. Paine. Young Harry Rogers also made one of the party. Clemens kept a log of the cruise, certain entries of which convey something of its spirit. On the 11th, at Yarmouth, he wrote:

Early in August, Clemens went sailing with H. H. Rogers on his yacht Kanawha for a trip to New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. Rogers had organized a group that included former Speaker Reed, Dr. Rice, and Colonel A. G. Paine. Young Harry Rogers was also part of the group. Clemens kept a journal of the trip, with certain entries capturing its vibe. On the 11th, in Yarmouth, he wrote:

    Fog-bound. The garrison went ashore. Officers visited the yacht in
    the evening & said an anvil had been missed. Mr. Rogers paid for
    the anvil.

    August 13th. There is a fine picture-gallery here; the sheriff
    photographed the garrison, with the exception of Harry (Rogers) and
    Mr. Clemens.

    August 14th. Upon complaint of Mr. Reed another dog was procured.
    He said he had been a sailor all his life, and considered it
    dangerous to trust a ship to a dog-watch with only one dog in it.

    Poker, for a change.

    August 15th. To Rockland, Maine, in the afternoon, arriving about 6
    P.M. In the night Dr. Rice baited the anchor with his winnings &
    caught a whale 90 feet long. He said so himself. It is thought
    that if there had been another witness like Dr. Rice the whale would
    have been longer.

    August 16th. We could have had a happy time in Bath but for the
    interruptions caused by people who wanted Mr. Reed to explain votes
    of the olden time or give back the money. Mr. Rogers recouped them.

    Another anvil missed. The descendant of Captain Kidd is the only
    person who does not blush for these incidents. Harry and Mr.
    Clemens blush continually. It is believed that if the rest of the
    garrison were like these two the yacht would be welcome everywhere
    instead of being quarantined by the police in all the ports. Mr.
    Clemens & Harry have attracted a great deal of attention, & men have
    expressed a resolve to turn over a new leaf & copy after them from
    this out.

    Evening. Judge Cohen came over from another yacht to pay his
    respects to Harry and Mr. Clemens, he having heard of their
    reputation from the clergy of these coasts. He was invited by the
    gang to play poker apparently as a courtesy & in a spirit of seeming
    hospitality, he not knowing them & taking it all at par. Mr. Rogers
    lent him clothes to go home in.

    August 17th. The Reformed Statesman growling and complaining again
    —not in a frank, straightforward way, but talking at the Commodore,
    while letting on to be talking to himself. This time he was
    dissatisfied about the anchor watch; said it was out of date,
    untrustworthy, & for real efficiency didn't begin with the
    Waterbury, & was going on to reiterate, as usual, that he had been a
    pilot all his life & blamed if he ever saw, etc., etc., etc.

    But he was not allowed to finish. We put him ashore at Portland.
    Foggy weather. The garrison went ashore. Officers visited the yacht in the evening and mentioned that an anvil had been overlooked. Mr. Rogers paid for the anvil.

    August 13th. There’s a great picture gallery here; the sheriff took a photo of the garrison, except for Harry (Rogers) and Mr. Clemens.

    August 14th. After Mr. Reed complained, another dog was gotten. He said he had been a sailor his whole life and thought it was risky to leave a ship in a dog-watch with only one dog.

    Poker, for a change.

    August 15th. We went to Rockland, Maine, in the afternoon, arriving around 6 PM. That night, Dr. Rice baited the anchor with his winnings and supposedly caught a whale that was 90 feet long. He claimed it himself. People think that if there had been another witness like Dr. Rice, the whale would have been longer.

    August 16th. We could have had a great time in Bath, but the interruptions from people wanting Mr. Reed to explain old votes or give back money were annoying. Mr. Rogers compensated them.

    Another missed anvil. The descendant of Captain Kidd is the only one who doesn’t seem embarrassed by these incidents. Harry and Mr. Clemens are constantly blushing. It's believed that if the rest of the garrison were like those two, the yacht would be welcomed everywhere instead of being quarantined by the police at all the ports. Mr. Clemens and Harry have attracted a lot of attention, and men have stated they’re determined to change their ways and emulate them from now on.

    Evening. Judge Cohen came over from another yacht to pay his respects to Harry and Mr. Clemens, having heard about their reputation from the local clergy. The gang invited him to play poker, apparently as a courtesy and in a spirit of hospitality, not knowing him and just taking it at face value. Mr. Rogers lent him clothes to wear home.

    August 17th. The Reformed Statesman was grumbling and complaining again—not in a candid, straightforward way, but speaking toward the Commodore while pretending to talk to himself. This time, he was unhappy about the anchor watch; he said it was outdated, unreliable, and for true efficiency, it didn’t involve the Waterbury, and he was going on to repeat, as usual, that he had been a pilot all his life and couldn’t recall ever seeing, etc., etc., etc.

    But he wasn’t allowed to finish. We dropped him off at Portland.

That is to say, Reed landed at Portland, the rest of the party returning with the yacht.

That is to say, Reed arrived in Portland, while the rest of the group went back on the yacht.

“We had a noble good time in the yacht,” Clemens wrote Twichell on their return. “We caught a Chinee missionary and drowned him.”

“We had a really great time on the yacht,” Clemens wrote to Twichell on their return. “We caught a Chinese missionary and drowned him.”

Twichell had been invited to make one of the party, and this letter was to make him feel sorry he had not accepted.

Twichell had been invited to the party, and this letter was meant to make him regret not accepting.





CCXVI. RIVERDALE—A YALE DEGREE

The Clemens household did not return to 14 West Tenth Street. They spent a week in Elmira at the end of September, and after a brief stop in New York took up their residence on the northern metropolitan boundary, at Riverdale-on-the-Hudson, in the old Appleton home. They had permanently concluded not to return to Hartford. They had put the property there into an agent's hands for sale. Mrs. Clemens never felt that she had the strength to enter the house again.

The Clemens family didn’t go back to 14 West Tenth Street. They spent a week in Elmira at the end of September, and after a quick stop in New York, they settled at the northern edge of the city, in Riverdale-on-the-Hudson, in the old Appleton house. They had decided for good not to go back to Hartford. They had handed the property there over to an agent to sell. Mrs. Clemens never felt strong enough to step back into the house again.

They had selected the Riverdale place with due consideration. They decided that they must have easy access to the New York center, but they wished also to have the advantage of space and spreading lawn and trees, large rooms, and light. The Appleton homestead provided these things. It was a house built in the first third of the last century by one of the Morris family, so long prominent in New York history. On passing into the Appleton ownership it had been enlarged and beautified and named “Holbrook Hall.” It overlooked the Hudson and the Palisades. It had associations: the Roosevelt family had once lived there, Huxley, Darwin, Tyndall, and others of their intellectual rank had been entertained there during its occupation by the first Appleton, the founder of the publishing firm. The great hall of the added wing was its chief feature. Clemens once remembered:

They carefully chose the Riverdale place. They wanted easy access to New York City but also desired the perks of space, a sprawling lawn with trees, large rooms, and lots of natural light. The Appleton homestead offered all of this. It was a house built in the early 1900s by a member of the Morris family, who had a long-standing presence in New York’s history. When it came into the Appleton family’s hands, it was expanded and beautified and named “Holbrook Hall.” It overlooked the Hudson River and the Palisades. It had a storied past: the Roosevelt family once lived there, and intellectuals like Huxley, Darwin, Tyndall, and others visited during the time of the first Appleton, who founded the publishing firm. The grand hall of the new wing was its standout feature. Clemens once remembered:

“We drifted from room to room on our tour of inspection, always with a growing doubt as to whether we wanted that house or not; but at last, when we arrived in a dining-room that was 60 feet long, 30 feet wide, and had two great fireplaces in it, that settled it.”

“We moved from room to room on our inspection tour, feeling more uncertain about whether we wanted that house or not; but finally, when we reached a dining room that was 60 feet long, 30 feet wide, and had two huge fireplaces, that made up our minds.”

There were pleasant neighbors at Riverdale, and had it not been for the illnesses that seemed always ready to seize upon that household the home there might have been ideal. They loved the place presently, so much so that they contemplated buying it, but decided that it was too costly. They began to prospect for other places along the Hudson shore. They were anxious to have a home again—one that they could call their own.

There were friendly neighbors in Riverdale, and if it weren't for the constant illnesses that seemed to affect that household, the home could have been perfect. They loved the place so much that they considered buying it, but ultimately decided it was too expensive. They started looking for other places along the Hudson shore. They were eager to have a home again—one that they could truly call their own.

Among the many pleasant neighbors at Riverdale were the Dodges, the Quincy Adamses, and the Rev. Mr. Carstensen, a liberal-minded minister with whom Clemens easily affiliated. Clemens and Carstensen visited back and forth and exchanged views. Once Mr. Carstensen told him that he was going to town to dine with a party which included the Reverend Gottheil, a Catholic bishop, an Indian Buddhist, and a Chinese scholar of the Confucian faith, after which they were all going to a Yiddish theater. Clemens said:

Among the many friendly neighbors at Riverdale were the Dodges, the Quincy Adams family, and Rev. Mr. Carstensen, a progressive-minded minister with whom Clemens easily connected. Clemens and Carstensen visited each other often and shared their thoughts. One time, Mr. Carstensen mentioned that he was heading into town for dinner with a group that included Reverend Gottheil, a Catholic bishop, an Indian Buddhist, and a Chinese scholar of Confucianism, and afterward they were all planning to go to a Yiddish theater. Clemens said:

“Well, there's only one more thing you need to make the party complete—that is, either Satan or me.”

“Well, there's just one more thing you need to make the party complete—that is, either Satan or me.”

Howells often came to Riverdale. He was living in a New York apartment, and it was handy and made an easy and pleasant outing for him. He says:

Howells often visited Riverdale. He was living in a New York apartment, and it was convenient and made for an easy and enjoyable trip for him. He says:

“I began to see them again on something like the sweet old terms. They lived far more unpretentiously than they used, and I think with a notion of economy, which they had never very successfully practised. I recall that at the end of a certain year in Hartford, when they had been saving and paying cash for everything, Clemens wrote, reminding me of their avowed experiment, and asking me to guess how many bills they had at New-Year's; he hastened to say that a horse-car would not have held them. At Riverdale they kept no carriage, and there was a snowy night when I drove up to their handsome old mansion in the station carryall, which was crusted with mud, as from the going down of the Deluge after transporting Noah and his family from the Ark to whatever point they decided to settle provisionally. But the good talk, the rich talk, the talk that could never suffer poverty of mind or soul was there, and we jubilantly found ourselves again in our middle youth.”

“I started to see them again on something like the sweet old terms. They lived much more simply than they used to, and I think with a sense of economy that they had never really mastered. I remember that at the end of a particular year in Hartford, when they had been saving and paying cash for everything, Clemens wrote to me, reminding me of their stated experiment, and asked me to guess how many bills they had at New Year’s; he quickly added that a horse-car wouldn't have been able to hold them. In Riverdale, they didn’t keep a carriage, and there was a snowy night when I drove up to their beautiful old house in the station carryall, which was covered in mud, as if it had just come from the Deluge after carrying Noah and his family from the Ark to wherever they temporarily decided to settle. But the good conversation, the rich conversation, the talk that could never suffer from lack of mind or soul was there, and we joyfully found ourselves back in our middle youth.”

Both Howells and Clemens were made doctors of letters by Yale that year and went over in October to receive their degrees. It was Mark Twain's second Yale degree, and it was the highest rank that an American institution of learning could confer.

Both Howells and Clemens were awarded honorary doctorates in letters by Yale that year and went over in October to receive their degrees. It was Mark Twain's second degree from Yale, and it was the highest honor that an American institution of education could bestow.

Twichell wrote:

Twichell said:

I want you to understand, old fellow, that it will be in its intention the highest public compliment, and emphatically so in your case, for it will be tendered you by a corporation of gentlemen, the majority of whom do not at all agree with the views on important questions which you have lately promulgated in speech and in writing, and with which you are identified to the public mind. They grant, of course, your right to hold and express those views, though for themselves they don't like 'em; but in awarding you the proposed laurel they will make no count of that whatever. Their action will appropriately signify simply and solely their estimate of your merit and rank as a man of letters, and so, as I say, the compliment of it will be of the pure, unadulterated quality.

I want you to understand, my friend, that this will be a significant public compliment, especially in your case, since it will be given to you by a group of gentlemen, most of whom do not agree with your views on important issues that you've recently shared in both speech and writing, and with which the public now associates you. They acknowledge your right to hold and express those views, even if they personally disagree with them; however, when they give you this recognition, they won't consider that at all. Their decision will simply reflect their assessment of your worth and status as a writer, and therefore, as I mentioned, the compliment will be entirely genuine and sincere.

Howells was not especially eager to go, and tried to conspire with Clemens to arrange some excuse which would keep them at home.

Howells wasn't really looking forward to going and tried to team up with Clemens to come up with some excuse to stay home.

I remember with satisfaction [he wrote] our joint success in keeping away from the Concord Centennial in 1875, and I have been thinking we might help each other in this matter of the Yale Anniversary. What are your plans for getting left, or shall you trust to inspiration?

I happily recall our success in avoiding the Concord Centennial in 1875, and I've been considering that we could support each other regarding the Yale Anniversary. What are your plans for skipping it, or will you rely on inspiration?

Their plans did not avail. Both Howells and Clemens went to New Haven to receive their honors.

Their plans didn't work out. Both Howells and Clemens went to New Haven to receive their honors.

When they had returned, Howells wrote formally, as became the new rank:

When they got back, Howells wrote formally, as was appropriate for his new position:

    DEAR SIR,—I have long been an admirer of your complete works,
    several of which I have read, and I am with you shoulder to shoulder
    in the cause of foreign missions. I would respectfully request a
    personal interview, and if you will appoint some day and hour most
    inconvenient to you I will call at your baronial hall. I cannot
    doubt, from the account of your courtesy given me by the Twelve
    Apostles, who once visited you in your Hartford home and were
    mistaken for a syndicate of lightning-rod men, that our meeting will
    be mutually agreeable.

                     Yours truly,
                            W. D. HOWELLS.
    DR. CLEMENS.
    DEAR SIR,—I have been a fan of your complete works for a long time and have read several of them. I stand with you in support of foreign missions. I would like to request a personal meeting, and if you could choose a day and time that is most inconvenient for you, I will come to your impressive estate. I have no doubt, based on the account of your kindness shared with me by the Twelve Apostles, who once visited you in your Hartford home and were mistaken for a group of lightning-rod salesmen, that our meeting will be enjoyable for both of us.

                     Yours truly,
                            W. D. HOWELLS.
    DR. CLEMENS.




CCXVII. MARK TWAIN IN POLITICS

There was a campaign for the mayoralty of New York City that fall, with Seth Low on the Fusion ticket against Edward M. Shepard as the Tammany candidate. Mark Twain entered the arena to try to defeat Tammany Hall. He wrote and he spoke in favor of clean city government and police reform. He was savagely in earnest and openly denounced the clan of Croker, individually and collectively. He joined a society called 'The Acorns'; and on the 17th of October, at a dinner given by the order at the Waldorf-Astoria, delivered a fierce arraignment, in which he characterized Croker as the Warren Hastings of New York. His speech was really a set of extracts from Edmund Burke's great impeachment of Hastings, substituting always the name of Croker, and paralleling his career with that of the ancient boss of the East India Company.

There was a campaign for the mayor of New York City that fall, with Seth Low on the Fusion ticket running against Edward M. Shepard, the Tammany candidate. Mark Twain got involved to try to take down Tammany Hall. He wrote and spoke about the need for clean city government and police reform. He was fiercely committed and openly criticized the Croker group, both individually and as a whole. He joined a society called 'The Acorns'; and on October 17th, at a dinner hosted by the order at the Waldorf-Astoria, he delivered a passionate speech where he described Croker as the Warren Hastings of New York. His speech was essentially a collection of excerpts from Edmund Burke's famous impeachment of Hastings, constantly replacing Hastings' name with Croker's and drawing parallels between Croker's career and that of the former head of the East India Company.

It was not a humorous speech. It was too denunciatory for that. It probably contained less comic phrasing than any former effort. There is hardly even a suggestion of humor from beginning to end. It concluded with this paraphrase of Burke's impeachment:

It wasn’t a funny speech. It was too accusatory for that. It probably had less humor than any previous attempt. There’s barely a hint of comedy from start to finish. It wrapped up with this rephrasing of Burke’s impeachment:

    I impeach Richard Croker of high crimes and misdemeanors. I impeach
    him in the name of the people, whose trust he has betrayed.

    I impeach him in the name of all the people of America, whose
    national character he has dishonored.

    I impeach him in the name and by virtue of those eternal laws of
    justice which he has violated.

    I impeach him in the name of human nature itself, which he has
    cruelly outraged, injured, and oppressed, in both sexes, in every
    age, rank, situation, and condition of life.
    I accuse Richard Croker of serious crimes and misconduct. I accuse him on behalf of the people, whose trust he has broken.

    I accuse him on behalf of all the people of America, whose national integrity he has tarnished.

    I accuse him in accordance with the timeless laws of justice that he has broken.

    I accuse him in the name of humanity itself, which he has harshly wronged, harmed, and oppressed, regardless of gender, age, class, situation, or life condition.

The Acorn speech was greatly relied upon for damage to the Tammany ranks, and hundreds of thousands of copies of it were printed and circulated.—[The “Edmund Burke on Croker and Tammany” speech had originally been written as an article for the North American Review.]

The Acorn speech was heavily relied upon to undermine Tammany's ranks, and hundreds of thousands of copies were printed and distributed.—[The “Edmund Burke on Croker and Tammany” speech was initially written as an article for the North American Review.]

Clemens was really heart and soul in the campaign. He even joined a procession that marched up Broadway, and he made a speech to a great assemblage at Broadway and Leonard Street, when, as he said, he had been sick abed two days and, according to the doctor, should be in bed then.

Clemens was fully dedicated to the campaign. He even took part in a parade that went up Broadway and gave a speech to a large crowd at Broadway and Leonard Street, despite having been sick in bed for two days and, as his doctor advised, should have still been resting.

    But I would not stay at home for a nursery disease, and that's what
    I've got. Now, don't let this leak out all over town, but I've been
    doing some indiscreet eating—that's all. It wasn't drinking. If
    it had been I shouldn't have said anything about it.

    I ate a banana. I bought it just to clinch the Italian vote for
    fusion, but I got hold of a Tammany banana by mistake. Just one
    little nub of it on the end was nice and white. That was the
    Shepard end. The other nine-tenths were rotten. Now that little
    white end won't make the rest of the banana good. The nine-tenths
    will make that little nub rotten, too.

    We must get rid of the whole banana, and our Acorn Society is going
    to do its share, for it is pledged to nothing but the support of
    good government all over the United States. We will elect the
    President next time.

    It won't be I, for I have ruined my chances by joining the Acorns,
    and there can be no office-holders among us.
But I’m not going to stay home for a petty illness, and that’s what I’ve got. Now, don’t let this get around town, but I’ve been indulging in some questionable eating—that’s all. It wasn’t drinking. If it had been, I wouldn’t have mentioned it.

I had a banana. I bought it just to secure the Italian vote for fusion, but I accidentally got a Tammany banana instead. Just a tiny bit on the end was nice and white. That was the good part. The other nine-tenths was rotten. Now that little white piece won’t fix the rest of the banana. The bad parts will ruin that little piece, too.

We need to get rid of the whole banana, and our Acorn Society is going to play its part, as it is committed to nothing but supporting good government across the United States. We’re going to elect the President next time.

It won’t be me, though, because I’ve messed up my chances by joining the Acorns, and there can’t be any office-holders among us.

There was a movement which Clemens early nipped in the bud—to name a political party after him.

There was a movement that Clemens quickly shut down—to name a political party after him.

“I should be far from willing to have a political party named after me,” he wrote, “and I would not be willing to belong to a party which allowed its members to have political aspirations or push friends forward for political preferment.”

“I would definitely not want a political party named after me,” he wrote, “and I wouldn't want to be part of a party that let its members have political ambitions or promote their friends for political positions.”

In other words, he was a knight-errant; his sole purpose for being in politics at all—something he always detested—was to do what he could for the betterment of his people.

In other words, he was a wandering knight; his only reason for being in politics at all—something he always hated—was to do what he could for the betterment of his people.

He had his reward, for when Election Day came, and the returns were in, the Fusion ticket had triumphed and Tammany had fallen. Clemens received his share of the credit. One paper celebrated him in verse:

He got his reward because when Election Day arrived and the results were announced, the Fusion ticket won, and Tammany was defeated. Clemens received his portion of the credit. One newspaper celebrated him in poetry:

              Who killed Croker?
              I, said Mark Twain,
              I killed Croker,
              I, the jolly joker!
              Who killed Croker?  
              I did, said Mark Twain,  
              I killed Croker,  
              I, the fun-loving joker!  

Among Samuel Clemens's literary remains there is an outline plan for a “Casting-Vote party,” whose main object was “to compel the two great parties to nominate their best man always.” It was to be an organization of an infinite number of clubs throughout the nation, no member of which should seek or accept a nomination for office in any political appointment, but in each case should cast its vote as a unit for the candidate of one of the two great political parties, requiring that the man be of clean record and honest purpose.

Among Samuel Clemens's literary remains, there's an outline for a “Casting-Vote party,” aimed at “forcing the two major parties to always nominate their best candidate.” The plan was to create countless clubs across the country, with each member not allowed to seek or accept any political nomination. Instead, every club would vote as a single entity for a candidate from one of the two major political parties, ensuring that the chosen person had a clean record and honest intentions.

    From constable up to President [runs his final clause] there is no
    office for which the two great parties cannot furnish able, clean,
    and acceptable men. Whenever the balance of power shall be lodged
    in a permanent third party, with no candidate of its own and no
    function but to cast its whole vote for the best man put forward by
    the Republicans and Democrats, these two parties will select the
    best man they have in their ranks. Good and clean government will
    follow, let its party complexion be what it may, and the country
    will be quite content.
    From constable to President, there isn’t an office that the two major parties can’t provide capable, honest, and acceptable candidates for. Once there’s a stable third party that doesn’t have its own candidate and only exists to support the best individual put forward by the Republicans and Democrats, these two parties will choose their top candidate. A good and honest government will result, regardless of party affiliation, and the country will be quite satisfied.

It was a Utopian idea, very likely, as human nature is made; full of that native optimism which was always overflowing and drowning his gloomier logic. Clearly he forgot his despair of humanity when he formulated that document, and there is a world of unselfish hope in these closing lines:

It was a perfect idea, most likely, given human nature; filled with that natural optimism that always overflowed and overshadowed his more pessimistic thoughts. Clearly, he overlooked his despair about humanity when he wrote that document, and there's a world of selfless hope in these closing lines:

    If in the hands of men who regard their citizenship as a high trust
    this scheme shall fail upon trial a better must be sought, a better
    must be invented; for it cannot be well or safe to let the present
    political conditions continue indefinitely. They can be improved,
    and American citizenship should arouse up from its disheartenment
    and see that it is done.
    If this plan fails when tried by people who see their citizenship as an important responsibility, then we need to find or create a better one; we can't just let the current political situation continue forever. Things can be improved, and American citizens should rise up from their discouragement and make that happen.

Had this document been put into type and circulated it might have founded a true Mark Twain party.

Had this document been printed and shared, it could have started a real Mark Twain party.

Clemens made not many more speeches that autumn, closing the year at last with the “Founder's Night” speech at The Players, the short address which, ending on the stroke of midnight, dedicates each passing year to the memory of Edwin Booth, and pledges each new year in a loving-cup passed in his honor.

Clemens didn't give many more speeches that fall, wrapping up the year with the "Founder's Night" speech at The Players, a short address that, ending at midnight, dedicates each year to the memory of Edwin Booth and promises to celebrate each new year with a loving cup passed in his honor.





CCXVIII. NEW INTERESTS AND INVESTMENTS

The spirit which a year earlier had prompted Mark Twain to prepare his “Salutation from the Nineteenth to the Twentieth Century” inspired him now to conceive the “Stupendous International Procession,” a gruesome pageant described in a document (unpublished) of twenty-two typewritten pages which begin:

The enthusiasm that had driven Mark Twain a year earlier to create his “Salutation from the Nineteenth to the Twentieth Century” now inspired him to envision the “Stupendous International Procession,” a striking spectacle outlined in a twenty-two-page typewritten document (unpublished) that starts:

                THE STUPENDOUS PROCESSION

    At the appointed hour it moved across the world in following order:

                  The Twentieth Century

    A fair young creature, drunk and disorderly, borne in the arms of
    Satan. Banner with motto, “Get What You Can, Keep What You Get.”

    Guard of Honor—Monarchs, Presidents, Tammany Bosses, Burglars, Land
    Thieves, Convicts, etc., appropriately clothed and bearing the
    symbols of their several trades.

                      Christendom

    A majestic matron in flowing robes drenched with blood. On her head
    a golden crown of thorns; impaled on its spines the bleeding heads
    of patriots who died for their countries Boers, Boxers, Filipinos;
    in one hand a slung-shot, in the other a Bible, open at the text “Do
    unto others,” etc. Protruding from pocket bottle labeled “We bring
    you the blessings of civilization.” Necklace-handcuffs and a
    burglar's jimmy.
    Supporters—At one elbow Slaughter, at the other Hypocrisy.
    Banner with motto—“Love Your Neighbor's Goods as Yourself.”
     Ensign—The Black Flag.
    Guard of Honor—Missionaries and German, French, Russian, and
    British soldiers laden with loot.
                THE STUPENDOUS PROCESSION

    At the scheduled time, it moved across the world in the following order:

                  The Twentieth Century

    A fair young woman, drunk and out of control, being carried by
    Satan. Banner with the motto, “Get What You Can, Keep What You Get.”

    Guard of Honor—Monarchs, Presidents, Tammany Bosses, Burglars, Land
    Thieves, Convicts, etc., appropriately dressed and carrying the
    symbols of their various trades.

                      Christendom

    A majestic woman in flowing robes soaked with blood. On her head
    a golden crown of thorns; impaled on its prongs are the bleeding heads
    of patriots who died for their countries: Boers, Boxers, Filipinos;
    in one hand a slingshot, in the other a Bible, open at the text “Do
    unto others,” etc. Protruding from a pocket is a bottle labeled “We bring
    you the blessings of civilization.” Necklace made of handcuffs and a
    burglar's crowbar.
    Supporters—At one elbow, Slaughter; at the other, Hypocrisy.
    Banner with the motto—“Love Your Neighbor's Goods as Yourself.”
     Ensign—The Black Flag.
    Guard of Honor—Missionaries and soldiers from Germany, France, Russia, and
    Britain carrying loot.

And so on, with a section for each nation of the earth, headed each by the black flag, each bearing horrid emblems, instruments of torture, mutilated prisoners, broken hearts, floats piled with bloody corpses. At the end of all, banners inscribed:

And so on, with a section for each country in the world, each marked by a black flag, featuring terrible symbols, torture devices, injured prisoners, shattered hearts, and floats stacked with bloody corpses. At the end of it all, banners read:

       “All White Men are Born Free and Equal.”

          “Christ died to make men holy,
           Christ died to make men free.”
 
       “All White Men are Born Free and Equal.”

          “Christ died to make people holy,
           Christ died to make people free.”

with the American flag furled and draped in crepe, and the shade of Lincoln towering vast and dim toward the sky, brooding with sorrowful aspect over the far-reaching pageant. With much more of the same sort. It is a fearful document, too fearful, we may believe, for Mrs. Clemens ever to consent to its publication.

with the American flag rolled up and draped in black fabric, and the shadow of Lincoln looming large and dim toward the sky, looking down with a sorrowful expression over the expansive spectacle. With much more of the same type. It is a daunting document, too daunting, we might think, for Mrs. Clemens to ever agree to have it published.

Advancing years did little toward destroying Mark Twain's interest in human affairs. At no time in his life was he more variously concerned and employed than in his sixty-seventh year—matters social, literary, political, religious, financial, scientific. He was always alive, young, actively cultivating or devising interests—valuable and otherwise, though never less than important to him.

Advancing age did little to diminish Mark Twain's interest in human affairs. At no point in his life was he more engaged and busy than in his sixty-seventh year—dealing with social, literary, political, religious, financial, and scientific issues. He remained vibrant, youthful, and actively pursuing or creating interests—valuable and otherwise, but always significant to him.

He had plenty of money again, for one thing, and he liked to find dazzlingly new ways for investing it. As in the old days, he was always putting “twenty-five or forty thousand dollars,” as he said, into something that promised multiplied returns. Howells tells how he found him looking wonderfully well, and when he asked the name of his elixir he learned that it was plasmon.

He had plenty of money again, and he enjoyed discovering exciting new ways to invest it. Just like in the past, he was always putting “twenty-five or forty thousand dollars,” as he put it, into something that promised high returns. Howells writes about how he found him looking great, and when he asked what his secret was, he learned it was plasmon.

    I did not immediately understand that plasmon was one of the
    investments which he had made from “the substance of things hoped
    for,” and in the destiny of a disastrous disappointment. But after
    paying off the creditors of his late publishing firm he had to do
    something with his money, and it was not his fault if he did not
    make a fortune out of plasmon.
    I didn’t immediately realize that plasmon was one of the investments he had made based on “the substance of things hoped for,” leading to a disappointing outcome. However, after settling the debts of his former publishing company, he needed to do something with his money, and it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t strike it rich with plasmon.

It was just at this period (the beginning of 1902) that he was promoting with his capital and enthusiasm the plasmon interests in America, investing in it one of the “usual amounts,” promising to make Howells over again body and soul with the life-giving albuminate. Once he wrote him explicit instructions:

It was right around this time (the start of 1902) that he was actively promoting the plasmon interests in America, putting in one of the “usual amounts” of his capital and enthusiasm, and promising to revitalize Howells completely with the life-giving albuminate. At one point, he wrote him detailed instructions:

    Yes—take it as a medicine—there is nothing better, nothing surer
    of desired results. If you wish to be elaborate—which isn't
    necessary—put a couple of heaping teaspoonfuls of the powder in an
    inch of milk & stir until it is a paste; put in some more milk and
    stir the paste to a thin gruel; then fill up the glass and drink.

    Or, stir it into your soup.

    Or, into your oatmeal.

    Or, use any method you like, so's you get it down—that is the only
    essential.
    Yes—treat it like medicine—there's nothing better, nothing more reliable for the results you want. If you want to be fancy—which isn't necessary—add a couple of heaping teaspoons of the powder to an inch of milk and stir until it forms a paste; then add more milk and mix it to a thin consistency; finally, fill up the glass and drink.

    Or, mix it into your soup.

    Or, into your oatmeal.

    Or, use any method you prefer, as long as you get it down—that's the only thing that matters.

He put another “usual sum” about this time in a patent cash register which was acknowledged to be “a promise rather than a performance,” and remains so until this day.

He put another "usual amount" this time in a patent cash register that was recognized as "a promise rather than a performance," and it still is to this day.

He capitalized a patent spiral hat-pin, warranted to hold the hat on in any weather, and he had a number of the pins handsomely made to present to visitors of the sex naturally requiring that sort of adornment and protection. It was a pretty and ingenious device and apparently effective enough, though it failed to secure his invested thousands.

He patented a spiral hat-pin that was guaranteed to keep hats on in any weather, and he had several of these pins made beautifully to give to female visitors who would naturally need that kind of accessory and protection. It was a lovely and clever design, and it seemed to work well enough, but it didn’t return the thousands he invested.

He invested a lesser sum in shares of the Booklover's Library, which was going to revolutionize the reading world, and which at least paid a few dividends. Even the old Tennessee land will-o'-the-wisp-long since repudiated and forgotten—when it appeared again in the form of a possible equity in some overlooked fragment, kindled a gentle interest, and was added to his list of ventures.

He put a small amount of money into shares of the Booklover's Library, which was set to change the reading world, and it at least provided some dividends. Even the old Tennessee land—something he had long since given up on and forgotten—when it resurfaced as a potential asset in some overlooked piece, sparked a mild interest and was added to his list of investments.

He made one substantial investment at this period. They became more and more in love with the Hudson environment, its beauty and its easy access to New York. Their house was what they liked it to be—a gathering—place for friends and the world's notables, who could reach it easily and quickly from New York. They had a steady procession of company when Mrs. Clemens's health would permit, and during a single week in the early part of this year entertained guests at no less than seventeen out of their twenty-one meals, and for three out of the seven nights—not an unusual week. Their plan for buying a home on the Hudson ended with the purchase of what was known as Hillcrest, or the Casey place, at Tarrytown, overlooking that beautiful stretch of river, the Tappan Zee, close to the Washington Irving home. The beauty of its outlook and surroundings appealed to them all. The house was handsome and finely placed, and they planned to make certain changes that would adapt it to their needs. The price, which was less than fifty thousand dollars, made it an attractive purchase; and without doubt it would have made them a suitable and happy home had it been written in the future that they should so inherit it.

He made a significant investment during this time. They grew more and more fond of the Hudson area, enchanted by its beauty and its easy access to New York. Their house was exactly what they wanted—a gathering place for friends and prominent figures from around the world, who could easily and quickly reach it from New York. They had a steady stream of visitors whenever Mrs. Clemens's health allowed, and during one week in the early part of this year, they hosted guests for at least seventeen out of their twenty-one meals and for three out of the seven nights—not an unusual week. Their plan to buy a home on the Hudson culminated in the purchase of what was known as Hillcrest, or the Casey place, in Tarrytown, overlooking the beautiful stretch of the Tappan Zee River, close to Washington Irving’s home. The beauty of the view and surroundings appealed to them all. The house was attractive and well-situated, and they intended to make some changes to suit their needs. The price, which was under fifty thousand dollars, made it a good deal; and undoubtedly, it would have been a fitting and happy home if it was meant for them to inherit it in the future.

Clemens was writing pretty steadily these days. The human race was furnishing him with ever so many inspiring subjects, and he found time to touch more or less on most of them. He wreaked his indignation upon the things which exasperated him often—even usually—without the expectation of print; and he delivered himself even more inclusively at such times as he walked the floor between the luncheon or dinner courses, amplifying on the poverty of an invention that had produced mankind as a supreme handiwork. In a letter to Howells he wrote:

Clemens had been writing quite a bit lately. People were giving him so many interesting topics, and he found time to explore most of them. He frequently vented his frustration about things that irritated him—often even without thinking it would be published; during these times, he talked more openly as he paced the floor between lunch or dinner courses, elaborating on how disappointing it was that such an invention had resulted in humankind being its greatest creation. In a letter to Howells, he wrote:

Your comments on that idiot's “Ideals” letter reminds me that I preached a good sermon to my family yesterday on his particular layer of the human race, that grotesquest of all the inventions of the Creator. It was a good sermon, but coldly received, & it seemed best not to try to take up a collection.

Your comments on that idiot's “Ideals” letter remind me that I gave a good sermon to my family yesterday about his particular group of people, the most grotesque of all the Creator's inventions. It was a good sermon, but it was met with indifference, and I decided not to try collecting donations.

He once told Howells, with the wild joy of his boyish heart, how Mrs. Clemens found some compensation, when kept to her room by illness, in the reflection that now she would not hear so much about the “damned human race.”

He once told Howells, with the carefree joy of his youthful heart, how Mrs. Clemens found some comfort, when stuck in her room due to illness, in the thought that now she wouldn’t have to hear so much about the “damned human race.”

Yet he was always the first man to champion that race, and the more unpromising the specimen the surer it was of his protection, and he never invited, never expected gratitude.

Yet he was always the first to support that race, and the more unlikely the individual, the more certain he was to defend them, and he never asked for, never anticipated gratitude.

One wonders how he found time to do all the things that he did. Besides his legitimate literary labors and his preachments, he was always writing letters to this one and that, long letters on a variety of subjects, carefully and picturesquely phrased, and to people of every sort. He even formed a curious society, whose members were young girls—one in each country of the earth. They were supposed to write to him at intervals on some subject likely to be of mutual interest, to which letters he agreed to reply. He furnished each member with a typewritten copy of the constitution and by-laws of the juggernaut Club, as he called it, and he apprised each of her election, usually after this fashion:

One wonders how he managed to find time for everything he did. Alongside his genuine writing work and sermons, he was constantly writing long letters to various people on a wide range of topics, phrased in an elegant and picturesque manner, and addressed to individuals from all walks of life. He even created a unique society with young girls—one from each country around the world. They were supposed to write to him periodically about subjects that might interest them both, and he promised to respond to their letters. He provided each member with a typewritten copy of the constitution and by-laws of the juggernaut Club, as he called it, and informed each girl of her election, usually in this way:

    I have a club—a private club, which is all my own. I appoint the
    members myself, & they can't help themselves, because I don't allow
    them to vote on their own appointment & I don't allow them to
    resign! They are all friends whom I have never seen (save one), but
    who have written friendly letters to me. By the laws of my club
    there can be only one member in each country, & there can be no male
    member but myself. Some day I may admit males, but I don't know
    —they are capricious & inharmonious, & their ways provoke me a good
    deal. It is a matter, which the club shall decide. I have made
    four appointments in the past three or four months: You as a member
    for Scotland—oh, this good while! a young citizeness of Joan of
    Arc's home region as a member for France; a Mohammedan girl as
    member for Bengal; & a dear & bright young niece of mine as member
    for the United States—for I do not represent a country myself, but
    am merely member-at-large for the human race. You must not try to
    resign, for the laws of the club do not allow that. You must
    console yourself by remembering that you are in the best company;
    that nobody knows of your membership except yourself; that no member
    knows another's name, but only her country; that no taxes are levied
    and no meetings held (but how dearly I should like to attend one!).
    One of my members is a princess of a royal house, another is the
    daughter of a village bookseller on the continent of Europe, for the
    only qualification for membership is intellect & the spirit of good-
    will; other distinctions, hereditary or acquired, do not count. May
    I send you the constitution & laws of the club? I shall be so glad
    if I may.
    I have a club—a private club that’s entirely my own. I choose the members myself, and they have no say in their own acceptance because I don’t let them vote on it, and I don’t allow them to resign! They’re all friends I’ve never met (except for one), but they’ve written me friendly letters. According to my club's rules, there can only be one member from each country, and I’m the only male member. Someday I might allow male members, but I’m not sure—they’re unpredictable and out of sync, and their behavior irritates me a lot. That’s something the club will decide. I’ve made four appointments in the last three or four months: you as a member for Scotland—oh, how long it’s been! A young woman from Joan of Arc’s hometown as a member for France; a Muslim girl as a member for Bengal; and a lovely and bright young niece of mine as a member for the United States—because I don’t represent any country myself, but am simply a member-at-large for humanity. You shouldn't try to resign, since the club’s rules don’t allow it. You should comfort yourself by remembering that you’re in the best company; that no one knows about your membership except you; that no member knows another’s name, just her country; that no taxes are collected and no meetings are organized (but how I would love to attend one!). One of my members is a princess from a royal family, and another is the daughter of a small-town bookseller in Europe, because the only qualifications for membership are intelligence and a spirit of goodwill; other distinctions, whether inherited or earned, don’t matter. Can I send you the constitution and laws of the club? I would be so happy to do so.

It was just one of his many fancies, and most of the active memberships would not long be maintained; though some continued faithful in their reports, as he did in his replies, to the end.

It was just one of his many whims, and most of the active memberships wouldn’t last long; although some remained loyal in their reports, just as he did in his responses, until the end.

One of the more fantastic of his conceptions was a plan to advertise for ante-mortem obituaries of himself—in order, as he said, that he might look them over and enjoy them and make certain corrections in the matter of detail. Some of them he thought might be appropriate to read from the platform.

One of his more amazing ideas was to request pre-written obituaries of himself—so he could check them out, enjoy them, and make any necessary edits to the details. He thought some of them might be fitting to read aloud from the stage.

    I will correct them—not the facts, but the verdicts—striking out
    such clauses as could have a deleterious influence on the other
    side, and replacing them with clauses of a more judicious character.
    I will fix them—not the facts, but the conclusions—removing
    any phrases that could negatively impact the other side, and replacing them with more sensible ones.

He was much taken with the new idea, and his request for such obituaries, with an offer of a prize for the best—a portrait of himself drawn by his own hand—really appeared in Harper's Weekly later in the year. Naturally he got a shower of responses—serious, playful, burlesque. Some of them were quite worth while.

He was really excited about the new idea, and his request for such obituaries, along with a prize for the best one—a self-portrait drawn by him—actually appeared in Harper's Weekly later that year. Naturally, he received a flood of responses—serious, playful, and humorous. Some of them were quite impressive.

The obvious “Death loves a shining Mark” was of course numerously duplicated, and some varied it “Death loves an Easy Mark,” and there was “Mark, the perfect man.”

The clear “Death loves a shining Mark” was, of course, widely copied, and some changed it to “Death loves an Easy Mark,” and there was also “Mark, the perfect man.”

The two that follow gave him especial pleasure.

The two that come next brought him particular joy.

                OBITUARY FOR “MARK TWAIN”

    Worthy of his portrait, a place on his monument, as well as a place
    among his “perennial-consolation heirlooms”:

              “Got up; washed; went to bed.”

    The subject's own words (see Innocents Abroad). Can't go back on
    your own words, Mark Twain. There's nothing “to strike out”;
    nothing “to replace.” What more could be said of any one?

    “Got up!”—Think of the fullness of meaning! The possibilities of
    life, its achievements—physical, intellectual, spiritual. Got up
    to the top!—the climax of human aspiration on earth!

    “Washed”—Every whit clean; purified—body, soul, thoughts,
    purposes.

    “Went to bed”—Work all done—to rest, to sleep. The culmination of
    the day well spent!

    God looks after the awakening.

                         Mrs. S. A. OREN-HAYNES.

    Mark Twain was the only man who ever lived, so far as we know, whose
    lies were so innocent, and withal so helpful, as to make them worth
    more than a whole lot of fossilized priests' eternal truths.

                         D. H. KENNER.
                OBITUARY FOR “MARK TWAIN”

    Deserving of his portrait, a spot on his monument, as well as a place
    among his “everlasting comfort keepsakes”:

              “Got up; washed; went to bed.”

    The subject's own words (see Innocents Abroad). You can't go back on
    your own words, Mark Twain. There's nothing “to strike out”;
    nothing “to replace.” What more could be said about anyone?

    “Got up!”—Think of the depth of meaning! The possibilities of
    life, its achievements—physical, intellectual, spiritual. Got up
    to the top!—the peak of human aspiration on earth!

    “Washed”—Completely clean; purified—body, soul, thoughts,
    intentions.

    “Went to bed”—Work all done—to rest, to sleep. The conclusion of
    a day well spent!

    God oversees the awakening.

                         Mrs. S. A. OREN-HAYNES.

    Mark Twain was the only person who ever lived, as far as we know, whose
    lies were so innocent, and yet so helpful, that they were worth
    more than a whole lot of fossilized priests' eternal truths.

                         D. H. KENNER.




CCXIX. YACHTING AND THEOLOGY

Clemens made fewer speeches during the Riverdale period. He was as frequently demanded, but he had a better excuse for refusing, especially the evening functions. He attended a good many luncheons with friendly spirits like Howells, Matthews, James L. Ford, and Hamlin Garland. At the end of February he came down to the Mayor's dinner given to Prince Henry of Prussia, but he did not speak. Clemens used to say afterward that he had not been asked to speak, and that it was probably because of his supposed breach of etiquette at the Kaiser's dinner in Berlin; but the fact that Prince Henry sought him out, and was most cordially and humanly attentive during a considerable portion of the evening, is against the supposition.

Clemens gave fewer speeches during the Riverdale period. He was still frequently asked, but he had better reasons for declining, especially for evening events. He attended quite a few lunches with friends like Howells, Matthews, James L. Ford, and Hamlin Garland. At the end of February, he went to the Mayor's dinner for Prince Henry of Prussia, but he didn't speak. Clemens would later say that he hadn't been asked to speak, and that it was probably because of his supposed breach of etiquette at the Kaiser's dinner in Berlin; however, the fact that Prince Henry actively sought him out and was very warm and personable for a significant part of the evening goes against that idea.

Clemens attended a Yale alumni dinner that winter and incidentally visited Twichell in Hartford. The old question of moral responsibility came up and Twichell lent his visitor a copy of Jonathan Edwards's 'Freedom of the Will' for train perusal. Clemens found it absorbing. Later he wrote Twichell his views.

Clemens went to a Yale alumni dinner that winter and happened to visit Twichell in Hartford. They discussed the ongoing topic of moral responsibility, and Twichell lent Clemens a copy of Jonathan Edwards's 'Freedom of the Will' to read on the train. Clemens found it fascinating. Later, he wrote to Twichell to share his thoughts.

    DEAR JOE,—(After compliments.)—[Meaning “What a good time you gave
    me; what a happiness it was to be under your roof again,” etc. See
    opening sentence of all translations of letters passing between Lord
    Roberts and Indian princes and rulers.]—From Bridgeport to New
    York, thence to home, & continuously until near midnight I wallowed
    & reeked with Jonathan in his insane debauch; rose immensely
    refreshed & fine at ten this morning, but with a strange & haunting
    sense of having been on a three days' tear with a drunken lunatic.
    It is years since I have known these sensations. All through the
    book is the glare of a resplendent intellect gone mad—a marvelous
    spectacle. No, not all through the book—the drunk does not come
    on till the last third, where what I take to be Calvinism & its God
    begins to show up & shine red & hideous in the glow from the fires
    of hell, their only right and proper adornment.

    Jonathan seems to hold (as against the Armenian position) that the
    man (or his soul or his will) never creates an impulse itself, but
    is moved to action by an impulse back of it. That's sound!

    Also, that of two or more things offered it, it infallibly chooses
    the one which for the moment is most pleasing to ITSELF. Perfectly
    correct! An immense admission for a man not otherwise sane.

    Up to that point he could have written Chapters III & IV of my
    suppressed Gospel. But there we seem to separate. He seems to
    concede the indisputable & unshaken dominion of Motive & Necessity
    (call them what he may, these are exterior forces & not under the
    man's authority, guidance, or even suggestion); then he suddenly
    flies the logical track & (to all seeming) makes the man & not those
    exterior forces responsible to God for the man's thoughts, words, &
    acts. It is frank insanity.

    I think that when he concedes the autocratic dominion of Motive and
    Necessity he grants a third position of mine—that a man's mind is a
    mere machine—an automatic machine—which is handled entirely from
    the outside, the man himself furnishing it absolutely nothing; not
    an ounce of its fuel, & not so much as a bare suggestion to that
    exterior engineer as to what the machine shall do nor how it shall
    do it nor when.

    After that concession it was time for him to get alarmed & shirk
    —for he was pointed straight for the only rational & possible next
    station on that piece of road—the irresponsibility of man to God.

    And so he shirked. Shirked, and arrived at this handsome result:

    Man is commanded to do so & so.

    It has been ordained from the beginning of time that some men
    sha'n't & others can't.

    These are to blame: let them be damned.

    I enjoy the Colonel very much, & shall enjoy the rest of him with an
    obscene delight.

    Joe, the whole tribe shout love to you & yours!
                                       MARK.
    DEAR JOE,—(After compliments.)—[Meaning “What a great time you gave me; what a joy it was to be under your roof again,” etc. See opening sentence of all translations of letters exchanged between Lord Roberts and Indian princes and rulers.]—From Bridgeport to New York, and then back home, I spent the night partying with Jonathan in his wild debauchery; I woke up this morning feeling refreshed at ten but with a strange and lingering sense of having gone on a three-day bender with a crazy drunk. It’s been years since I’ve felt anything like this. The entire book radiates with the brilliance of a genius gone mad—a remarkable sight. No, not throughout the whole book—the drunkenness doesn’t kick in until the last third, where what I assume is Calvinism and its God starts to emerge, glowing red and ugly in the light of hellfire, their only fitting decoration.

    Jonathan seems to believe (contrary to the Armenian view) that a person (or their soul or will) never creates an impulse on their own but is driven to act by an impulse behind it. That makes sense!

    He also argues that among two or more options, the person will invariably choose the one that is most appealing to them at that moment. Totally correct! It’s a significant admission for someone who is otherwise sane.

    Up to that point, he could have written Chapters III & IV of my suppressed Gospel. But that’s where we seem to diverge. He appears to accept the undeniable and unwavering influence of Motive & Necessity (whatever you choose to call them, these are external forces and not under a person’s control, guidance, or even suggestion); then he suddenly veers off the logical path and seemingly holds the individual responsible to God for their thoughts, words, and actions. It’s outright madness.

    I think that when he concedes the absolute power of Motive and Necessity, he inadvertently supports my argument that a person’s mind is just a machine—an automatic machine—that is entirely operated from the outside, with the person providing absolutely nothing; not an ounce of fuel, nor even a single suggestion to that external operator about what the machine should do, how it should do it, or when.

    After that concession, it was time for him to get concerned and back away—because he was headed straight for the only logical next conclusion on that path—the irresponsibility of man to God.

    And so he backed away. He backed away, and reached this elegant conclusion:

    Man is commanded to do this and that.

    It has been ordained since the beginning of time that some men shall not, and others cannot.

    These are the ones to blame: let them be damned.

    I enjoy the Colonel very much, and I will take delight in the rest of him with explicit pleasure.

    Joe, the whole crew sends love to you and yours!
                                       MARK.

Clemens was moved to set down some theology of his own, and did so in a manuscript which he entitled, “If I Could Be There.” It is in the dialogue form he often adopted for polemic writing. It is a colloquy between the Master of the Universe and a Stranger. It begins: I. If I could be there, hidden under the steps of the throne, I should hear conversations like this:

Clemens felt compelled to write down some of his own theology and did so in a manuscript he titled, “If I Could Be There.” It’s written in the dialogue style he often used for argumentative writing. It’s a conversation between the Master of the Universe and a Stranger. It begins: I. If I could be there, hidden beneath the steps of the throne, I would hear conversations like this:

A STRANGER. Lord, there is one who needs to be punished, and has been overlooked. It is in the record. I have found it.

A STRANGER. Lord, there’s someone who needs to be punished and has been ignored. It’s in the records. I’ve found it.

LORD. By searching?

LORD. Through searching?

S. Yes, Lord.

S. Yes, God.

L. Who is it? What is it?

L. Who is it? What is it?

S. A man.

S. A dude.

L. Proceed.

Go ahead.

S. He died in sin. Sin committed by his great-grandfather.

S. He died in sin. A sin committed by his great-grandfather.

L. When was this?

L. When did this happen?

S. Eleven million years ago.

11 million years ago.

L. Do you know what a microbe is?

L. Do you know what a microbe is?

S. Yes, Lord. It is a creature too small to be detected by my eye.

S. Yes, Lord. It’s a creature too small for me to see.

L. He commits depredations upon your blood?

L. Is he taking advantage of you?

S. Yes, Lord.

S. Yes, God.

L. I give you leave to subject him to a billion years of misery for this offense. Go! Work your will upon him.

L. I give you permission to make him suffer for a billion years for this wrongdoing. Go! Do what you want with him.

S. But, Lord, I have nothing against him; I am indifferent to him.

S. But, Lord, I don't have anything against him; I don't care about him.

L. Why?

L. Why?

S. He is so infinitely small and contemptible. I am to him as is a mountain-range to a grain of sand.

S. He is so incredibly small and insignificant. I am to him like a mountain range is to a grain of sand.

L. What am I to man?

L. What am I to a man?

S. (Silent.)

S. (Silent.)

L. Am I not, to a man, as is a billion solar systems to a grain of sand?

L. Am I not, to a person, like a billion solar systems to a grain of sand?

S. It is true, Lord.

Yes, it’s true, Lord.

L. Some microbes are larger than others. Does man regard the difference?

L. Some microbes are bigger than others. Does humanity pay attention to the difference?

S. No, Lord. To him there is no difference of consequence. To him they are all microbes, all infinitely little and equally inconsequential.

S. No, Lord. To him, it doesn't matter. To him, they are all microbes, all endlessly small and equally insignificant.

L. To me there is no difference of consequence between a man & a microbe. Man looks down upon the speck at his feet called a microbe from an altitude of a thousand miles, so to speak, and regards him with indifference; I look down upon the specks called a man and a microbe from an altitude of a billion leagues, so to speak, and to me they are of a size. To me both are inconsequential. Man kills the microbes when he can?

L. To me, there's no meaningful difference between a human and a microbe. A person looks down at the tiny microbe beneath his feet from a height of a thousand miles, so to speak, and sees it with indifference; I look down at both humans and microbes from a height of a billion leagues, so to speak, and to me, they seem the same size. To me, both are insignificant. Does a person eliminate microbes when possible?

S. Yes, Lord.

S. Yes, God.

L. Then what? Does he keep him in mind years and years and go on contriving miseries for him?

L. Then what? Does he keep him in mind for years and years and continue to come up with ways to make him suffer?

S. No, Lord.

No, Lord.

L. Does he forget him?

Does he forget him?

S. Yes, Lord.

S. Yes, God.

L. Why?

L. Why?

S. He cares nothing more about him.

S. He doesn't care about him at all anymore.

L. Employs himself with more important matters?

L. Occupies himself with more significant issues?

S. Yes, Lord.

Yes, Lord.

L. Apparently man is quite a rational and dignified person, and can divorce his mind from uninteresting trivialities. Why does he affront me with the fancy that I interest Myself in trivialities—like men and microbes? II. L. Is it true the human race thinks the universe was created for its convenience?

L. It seems that man is a pretty rational and dignified being who can separate his thoughts from boring little details. Why does he confront me with the idea that I'm interested in trivial things—like other people and germs? II. L. Is it really true that humanity believes the universe was made for its convenience?

S. Yes, Lord.

Yes, Lord.

L. The human race is modest. Speaking as a member of it, what do you think the other animals are for?

L. Humans are humble. As one of them, what do you think the other animals are for?

S. To furnish food and labor for man.

S. To provide food and work for people.

L. What is the sea for?

L. What is the purpose of the sea?

S. To furnish food for man. Fishes.

S. To provide food for people. Fish.

L. And the air?

L. And the atmosphere?

S. To furnish sustenance for man. Birds and breath.

S. To provide food for people. Birds and air.

L. How many men are there?

L. How many guys are there?

S. Fifteen hundred millions.

$1.5 billion.

L. (Referring to notes.) Take your pencil and set down some statistics. In a healthy man's lower intestine 28,000,000 microbes are born daily and die daily. In the rest of a man's body 122,000,000 microbes are born daily and die daily. The two sums aggregate-what?

L. (Referring to notes.) Grab your pencil and jot down some stats. In a healthy person's lower intestine, 28,000,000 microbes are born and die every day. In the rest of a person's body, 122,000,000 microbes are born and die daily. The total adds up to—what?

S. About 150,000,000.

S. About 150 million.

L. In ten days the aggregate reaches what?

L. In ten days, what does the total reach?

S. Fifteen hundred millions.

1.5 billion.

L. It is for one person. What would it be for the whole human population?

L. It's for one person. What would it be for the entire human population?

S. Alas, Lord, it is beyond the power of figures to set down that multitude. It is billions of billions multiplied by billions of billions, and these multiplied again and again by billions of billions. The figures would stretch across the universe and hang over into space on both sides.

S. Unfortunately, Lord, it's impossible to capture that vast number with just figures. It's billions of billions times billions of billions, and then multiplied again and again by billions of billions. The numbers would stretch across the universe and extend into space on both sides.

L. To what intent are these uncountable microbes introduced into the human race?

L. What is the purpose of introducing these countless microbes into humanity?

S. That they may eat.

S. So they can eat.

L. Now then, according to man's own reasoning, what is man for?

L. So then, based on man's own reasoning, what is the purpose of man?

S. Alas-alas!

S. Oh no!

L. What is he for?

L. What's he for?

S. To-to-furnish food for microbes.

To provide food for microbes.

L. Manifestly. A child could see it. Now then, with this common-sense light to aid your perceptions, what are the air, the land, and the ocean for?

L. Clearly. Even a child could see it. Now, with this common-sense perspective to help you understand, what are the air, the land, and the ocean for?

S. To furnish food for man so that he may nourish, support, and multiply and replenish the microbes.

S. To provide food for people so they can nourish, sustain, and reproduce, as well as replenish the microbes.

L. Manifestly. Does one build a boarding-house for the sake of the boarding-house itself or for the sake of the boarders?

L. Clearly. Does someone build a boarding house for the sake of the boarding house itself or for the sake of the guests?

S. Certainly for the sake of the boarders.

S. Definitely for the sake of the guests.

L. Man's a boarding-house.

L. Man's a rooming house.

S. I perceive it, Lord.

I understand, Lord.

L. He is a boarding-house. He was never intended for anything else. If he had had less vanity and a clearer insight into the great truths that lie embedded in statistics he would have found it out early. As concerns the man who has gone unpunished eleven million years, is it your belief that in life he did his duty by his microbes?

L. He is a boarding house. He was never meant to be anything else. If he had been less vain and had a better understanding of the important truths found in statistics, he would have realized that sooner. As for the man who hasn’t faced consequences for eleven million years, do you think he did his part by his microbes in life?

S. Undoubtedly, Lord. He could not help it.

S. Undoubtedly, my Lord. He couldn't help it.

L. Then why punish him? He had no other duty to perform.

L. Then why punish him? He didn't have any other responsibilities to fulfill.

Whatever else may be said of this kind of doctrine, it is at least original and has a conclusive sound. Mark Twain had very little use for orthodoxy and conservatism. When it was announced that Dr. Jacques Loeb, of the University of California, had demonstrated the creation of life by chemical agencies he was deeply interested. When a newspaper writer commented that a “consensus of opinion among biologists” would probably rate Dr. Loeb as a man of lively imagination rather than an inerrant investigator of natural phenomena, he felt called to chaff the consensus idea.

Whatever else can be said about this kind of doctrine, it is at least original and sounds convincing. Mark Twain had little patience for traditional beliefs and conservatism. When it was announced that Dr. Jacques Loeb from the University of California had shown that life can be created through chemical processes, Twain was very interested. When a newspaper writer remarked that a "consensus of opinion among biologists" would likely consider Dr. Loeb a man of vivid imagination rather than an infallible researcher of natural phenomena, Twain felt compelled to poke fun at the idea of consensus.

    I wish I could be as young as that again. Although I seem so old
    now I was once as young as that. I remember, as if it were but
    thirty or forty years ago, how a paralyzing consensus of opinion
    accumulated from experts a-setting around about brother experts who
    had patiently and laboriously cold-chiseled their way into one or
    another of nature's safe-deposit vaults and were reporting that they
    had found something valuable was plenty for me. It settled it.

    But it isn't so now-no. Because in the drift of the years I by and
    by found out that a Consensus examines a new thing with its feelings
    rather oftener than with its mind.

    There was that primitive steam-engine-ages back, in Greek times: a
    Consensus made fun of it. There was the Marquis of Worcester's
    steam-engine 250 years ago: a Consensus made fun of it. There was
    Fulton's steamboat of a century ago: a French Consensus, including
    the great Napoleon, made fun of it. There was Priestley, with his
    oxygen: a Consensus scoffed at him, mobbed him, burned him out,
    banished him. While a Consensus was proving, by statistics and
    things, that a steamship could not cross the Atlantic, a steamship
    did it.
    I wish I could be that young again. Even though I feel so old now, I was once as youthful as that. I remember, like it was just thirty or forty years ago, how a paralyzing agreement among experts gathered around other experts, who had painstakingly carved their way into one of nature's vaults, reported that they had discovered something valuable—it was enough for me. That settled it.

    But it's different now—no. Over the years, I've realized that a Consensus often examines something new with its feelings more than with its intellect.

    There was that primitive steam engine back in ancient Greece: a Consensus laughed at it. There was the Marquis of Worcester's steam engine 250 years ago: a Consensus laughed at it. There was Fulton's steamboat a century ago: a French Consensus, including the great Napoleon, laughed at it. There was Priestley with his oxygen: a Consensus mocked him, attacked him, burned him out, exiled him. While a Consensus was proving, with statistics and other things, that a steamship couldn't cross the Atlantic, a steamship did it.

And so on through a dozen pages or more of lively satire, ending with an extract from Adam's Diary.

And so it continues for over a dozen pages of lively satire, finishing with a selection from Adam's Diary.

    Then there was a Consensus about it. It was the very first one. It
    sat six days and nights. It was then delivered of the verdict that
    a world could not be made out of nothing; that such small things as
    sun and moon and stars might, maybe, but it would take years and
    years if there was considerable many of them. Then the Consensus
    got up and looked out of the window, and there was the whole outfit,
    spinning and sparkling in space! You never saw such a disappointed
    lot.
                                        ADAM.
    Then there was a consensus about it. It was the very first one. It sat for six days and nights. It then concluded that a world couldn’t be created from nothing; that small things like the sun, moon, and stars might be, but it would take years and years if there were a lot of them. Then the consensus got up and looked out of the window, and there was the whole setup, spinning and sparkling in space! You’ve never seen such a disappointed group.  
                                        ADAM.

He was writing much at this time, mainly for his own amusement, though now and then he offered one of his reflections for print. That beautiful fairy tale, “The Five Boons of Life,” of which the most precious is “Death,” was written at this period. Maeterlinck's lovely story of the bee interested him; he wrote about that. Somebody proposed a Martyrs' Day; he wrote a paper ridiculing the suggestion. In his note-book, too, there is a memorandum for a love-story of the Quarternary Epoch which would begin, “On a soft October afternoon 2,000,000 years ago.” John Fiske's Discovery of America, Volume I, he said, was to furnish the animals and scenery, civilization and conversation to be the same as to-day; but apparently this idea was carried no further. He ranged through every subject from protoplasm to infinity, exalting, condemning, ridiculing, explaining; his brain was always busy—a dynamo that rested neither night nor day.

He was writing a lot during this time, mainly for his own enjoyment, but occasionally he would share some of his thoughts for publication. That beautiful fairy tale, “The Five Boons of Life,” with the most precious boon being “Death,” was written during this period. Maeterlinck's lovely story about bees caught his interest; he wrote about that. Someone suggested a Martyrs' Day; he wrote a paper mocking the idea. In his notebook, there’s a note for a love story set in the Quarternary Epoch that would start, “On a soft October afternoon 2,000,000 years ago.” He mentioned that John Fiske's Discovery of America, Volume I, would provide the animals and scenery, with civilization and conversation being just like today; but it seems this idea didn't go any further. He explored every topic from protoplasm to infinity, praising, condemning, mocking, and explaining; his mind was always working—a dynamo that never rested, day or night.

In April Clemens received notice of another yachting trip on the Kanawha, which this time would sail for the Bahama and West India islands. The guests were to be about the same.—[The invited ones of the party were Hon. T. B. Reed, A. G. Paine, Laurence Hutton, Dr. C. C. Rice, W. T. Foote, and S. L. Clemens. “Owners of the yacht,” Mr. Rogers called them, signing himself as “Their Guest.”]

In April, Clemens got word about another sailing trip on the Kanawha, which would head for the Bahamas and West Indies this time. The guests would be about the same. —[The invitees were Hon. T. B. Reed, A. G. Paine, Laurence Hutton, Dr. C. C. Rice, W. T. Foote, and S. L. Clemens. “Owners of the yacht,” Mr. Rogers called them, signing himself as “Their Guest.”]

He sent this telegram:

He sent this message:

H. H. ROGERS, Fairhaven, Mass.

H. H. ROGERS, Fairhaven, MA.

Can't get away this week. I have company here from tonight till middle of next week. Will Kanawha be sailing after that & can I go as Sunday-school superintendent at half rate? Answer and prepay.

Can't get away this week. I have guests here from tonight until the middle of next week. Will Kanawha be sailing after that, and can I go as Sunday-school superintendent at half price? Please respond and prepay.

DR. CLEMENS.

Dr. Clemens.

The sailing date was conveniently arranged and there followed a happy cruise among those balmy islands. Mark Twain was particularly fond of “Tom” Reed, who had been known as “Czar” Reed in Congress, but was delightfully human in his personal life. They argued politics a good deal, and Reed, with all his training and intimate practical knowledge of the subject, confessed that he “couldn't argue with a man like that.”

The sailing date was conveniently set, and they enjoyed a pleasant cruise among those warm islands. Mark Twain really liked “Tom” Reed, who was known as “Czar” Reed in Congress but was wonderfully relatable in his personal life. They debated politics a lot, and Reed, with all his training and deep practical knowledge of the topic, admitted that he “couldn't argue with a man like that.”

“Do you believe the things you say?” he asked once, in his thin, falsetto voice.

“Do you really believe what you say?” he asked once, in his thin, high-pitched voice.

“Yes,” said Clemens. “Some of them.”

“Yes,” Clemens replied. “A few of them.”

“Well, you want to look out. If you go on this way, by and by you'll get to believing nearly everything you say.”

“Well, you should be careful. If you keep going like this, eventually you’ll start to believe almost everything you say.”

Draw poker appears to have been their favorite diversion. Clemens in his notes reports that off the coast of Florida Reed won twenty-three pots in succession. It was said afterward that they made no stops at any harbor; that when the chief officer approached the poker-table and told them they were about to enter some important port he received peremptory orders to “sail on and not interrupt the game.” This, however, may be regarded as more or less founded on fiction.

Draw poker seems to have been their favorite pastime. Clemens notes that off the coast of Florida, Reed won twenty-three pots in a row. It was later said that they didn’t make any stops at any harbor; when the chief officer came to the poker table and informed them they were about to enter an important port, he was firmly told to “sail on and not interrupt the game.” However, this might be more myth than fact.





CCXX. MARK TWAIN AND THE PHILIPPINES

Among the completed manuscripts of the early part of 1902 was a North American Review article (published in April)—“Does the Race of Man Love a Lord?”—a most interesting treatise on snobbery as a universal weakness. There were also some papers on the Philippine situation. In one of these Clemens wrote:

Among the completed manuscripts from early 1902 was an article for the North American Review (published in April)—“Does the Race of Man Love a Lord?”—which was a fascinating discussion on snobbery as a common flaw. There were also several papers about the situation in the Philippines. In one of these, Clemens wrote:

    We have bought some islands from a party who did not own them; with
    real smartness and a good counterfeit of disinterested friendliness
    we coaxed a confiding weak nation into a trap and closed it upon
    them; we went back on an honored guest of the Stars and Stripes when
    we had no further use for him and chased him to the mountains; we
    are as indisputably in possession of a wide-spreading archipelago as
    if it were our property; we have pacified some thousands of the
    islanders and buried them; destroyed their fields; burned their
    villages, and turned their widows and orphans out-of-doors;
    furnished heartbreak by exile to some dozens of disagreeable
    patriots; subjugated the remaining ten millions by Benevolent
    Assimilation, which is the pious new name of the musket; we have
    acquired property in the three hundred concubines and other slaves
    of our business partner, the Sultan of Sulu, and hoisted our
    protecting flag over that swag.

    And so, by these Providences of God—the phrase is the government's,
    not mine—we are a World Power; and are glad and proud, and have a
    back seat in the family. With tacks in it. At least we are letting
    on to be glad and proud; it is the best way. Indeed, it is the only
    way. We must maintain our dignity, for people are looking. We are
    a World Power; we cannot get out of it now, and we must make the
    best of it.
    We bought some islands from a party who didn’t actually own them; with cleverness and a convincing act of selfless friendliness, we lured a trusting, weak nation into a trap and closed it on them; we turned our backs on an honored guest of the Stars and Stripes when we no longer needed him and chased him to the mountains; we are as undeniably in control of a sprawling archipelago as if it were our own; we’ve pacified thousands of the islanders and buried them; destroyed their fields; burned their villages, and forced their widows and orphans out into the streets; caused heartbreak through exile for some unpleasant patriots; subjugated the remaining ten million by Benevolent Assimilation, the new, more acceptable term for using force; we’ve acquired property in the three hundred concubines and other slaves of our business partner, the Sultan of Sulu, and raised our protective flag over that loot.

    And so, by these Divine Providences—the phrase belongs to the government, not me—we are a World Power; and we’re glad and proud, and sitting in the back. With tacks in it. At least we’re pretending to be glad and proud; it’s the best approach. In fact, it’s the only approach. We have to maintain our dignity because people are watching. We are a World Power; we can’t back out now, and we must make the most of it.

And again he wrote:

And he wrote again:

    I am not finding fault with this use of our flag, for in order not
    to seem eccentric I have swung around now and joined the nation in
    the conviction that nothing can sully a flag. I was not properly
    reared, and had the illusion that a flag was a thing which must be
    sacredly guarded against shameful uses and unclean contacts lest it
    suffer pollution; and so when it was sent out to the Philippines to
    float over a wanton war and a robbing expedition I supposed it was
    polluted, and in an ignorant moment I said so. But I stand
    corrected. I concede and acknowledge that it was only the
    government that sent it on such an errand that was polluted. Let us
    compromise on that. I am glad to have it that way. For our flag
    could not well stand pollution, never having been used to it, but it
    is different with the administration.
I’m not criticizing this use of our flag, because to avoid looking unconventional, I’ve changed my stance and joined everyone else in believing that nothing can tarnish a flag. I wasn’t raised properly and mistakenly thought that a flag should be carefully protected from shameful uses and unclean contacts to avoid being desecrated. So when it was sent to the Philippines to fly over a reckless war and a plundering mission, I thought it was defiled, and in a moment of ignorance, I voiced that opinion. But I’ve changed my mind. I admit that it was only the government that sent it on such a mission that was tainted. Let’s settle on that. I’m glad it’s that way. Our flag couldn’t possibly be tarnished, as it’s not accustomed to it, but that’s not the case for the administration.

But a much more conspicuous comment on the Philippine policy was the so-called “Defense of General Funston” for what Funston himself referred to as a “dirty Irish trick”; that is to say, deception in the capture of Aguinaldo. Clemens, who found it hard enough to reconcile himself to-any form of warfare, was especially bitter concerning this particular campaign. The article appeared in the North American Review for May, 1902, and stirred up a good deal of a storm. He wrote much more on the subject—very much more—but it is still unpublished.

But a much more noticeable comment on the Philippine policy was the so-called “Defense of General Funston” for what Funston himself called a “dirty Irish trick”; in other words, trickery in the capture of Aguinaldo. Clemens, who found it difficult to accept any form of warfare, was particularly upset about this specific campaign. The article was published in the North American Review in May 1902 and caused quite a stir. He wrote a lot more on the topic—much more—but it remains unpublished.





CCXXI. THE RETURN OF THE NATIVE

One day in April, 1902, Samuel Clemens received the following letter from the president of the University of Missouri:

One day in April 1902, Samuel Clemens got the following letter from the president of the University of Missouri:

MY DEAR MR. CLEMENS, Although you received the degree of doctor of literature last fall from Yale, and have had other honors conferred upon you by other great universities, we want to adopt you here as a son of the University of Missouri. In asking your permission to confer upon you the degree of LL.D. the University of Missouri does not aim to confer an honor upon you so much as to show her appreciation of you. The rules of the University forbid us to confer the degree upon any one in absentia. I hope very much that you can so arrange your plans as to be with us on the fourth day of next June, when we shall hold our Annual Commencement.

MY DEAR MR. CLEMENS, Although you received the honorary degree of Doctor of Literature last fall from Yale and have been honored by several other prestigious universities, we want to welcome you here as a son of the University of Missouri. In asking for your permission to award you the degree of LL.D., the University of Missouri aims not just to honor you but also to express its appreciation for you. The university's rules prevent us from awarding the degree to anyone who is not present. I sincerely hope that you can arrange your schedule to join us on June 4th, when we will hold our Annual Commencement.

                     Very truly yours,
                            R. H. JESSE.
Sincerely,  
                            R. H. JESSE.

Clemens had not expected to make another trip to the West, but a proffered honor such as this from one's native State was not a thing to be declined.

Clemens hadn’t planned on making another trip out West, but an offered honor like this from his home state was something he couldn’t turn down.

It was at the end of May when he arrived in St. Louis, and he was met at the train there by his old river instructor and friend, Horace Bixby—as fresh, wiry, and capable as he had been forty-five years before.

It was the end of May when he arrived in St. Louis, and he was greeted at the train station by his old river mentor and friend, Horace Bixby—just as lively, fit, and skilled as he had been forty-five years earlier.

“I have become an old man. You are still thirty-five,” Clemens said.

“I've grown old. You’re still thirty-five,” Clemens said.

They went to the Planters Hotel, and the news presently got around that Mark Twain was there. There followed a sort of reception in the hotel lobby, after which Bixby took him across to the rooms of the Pilots Association, where the rivermen gathered in force to celebrate his return. A few of his old comrades were still alive, among them Beck Jolly. The same afternoon he took the train for Hannibal.

They went to the Planters Hotel, and the news quickly spread that Mark Twain was there. This led to a kind of reception in the hotel lobby, after which Bixby took him over to the rooms of the Pilots Association, where the rivermen gathered in large numbers to celebrate his return. A few of his old friends were still alive, including Beck Jolly. That same afternoon, he took the train to Hannibal.

It was a busy five days that he had in Hannibal. High-school commencement day came first. He attended, and willingly, or at least patiently, sat through the various recitals and orations and orchestrations, dreaming and remembering, no doubt, other high-school commencements of more than half a century before, seeing in some of those young people the boys and girls he had known in that vanished time. A few friends of his youth were still there, but they were among the audience now, and no longer fresh and looking into the future. Their heads were white, and, like him, they were looking down the recorded years. Laura Hawkins was there and Helen Kercheval (Mrs. Frazer and Mrs. Garth now), and there were others, but they were few and scattering.

He had a hectic five days in Hannibal. The first day was high-school graduation day. He attended and, whether out of willingness or just patience, sat through the various speeches, performances, and celebrations, probably daydreaming and reminiscing about other high-school graduations from more than fifty years ago, recognizing in some of those young faces the boys and girls he had known back then. A few friends from his youth were still there, but they were part of the audience now, no longer vibrant and looking ahead. Their hair had turned white, and like him, they were reflecting on the years gone by. Laura Hawkins and Helen Kercheval (now Mrs. Frazer and Mrs. Garth) were present, among others, but they were few and scattered.

He was added to the program, and he made himself as one of the graduates, and told them some things of the young people of that earlier time that brought their laughter and their tears.

He was included in the program and became one of the graduates, sharing stories about the young people from that earlier time that made them laugh and cry.

He was asked to distribute the diplomas, and he undertook the work in his own way. He took an armful of them and said to the graduates:

He was asked to hand out the diplomas, and he took on the task in his own style. He grabbed a handful of them and said to the graduates:

“Take one. Pick out a good one. Don't take two, but be sure you get a good one.”

“Take one. Choose a good one. Don’t take two, but make sure you get a good one.”

So each took one “unsight and unseen” aid made the more exact distributions among themselves later.

So each took one “unsight and unseen” aid, which allowed them to make more precise distributions among themselves later.

Next morning it was Saturday—he visited the old home on Hill Street, and stood in the doorway all dressed in white while a battalion of photographers made pictures of “this return of the native” to the threshold of his youth.

Next morning it was Saturday—he visited the old home on Hill Street, and stood in the doorway all dressed in white while a group of photographers took pictures of “this return of the native” to the threshold of his youth.

“It all seems so small to me,” he said, as he looked through the house; “a boy's home is a big place to him. I suppose if I should come back again ten years from now it would be the size of a birdhouse.”

“It all seems so small to me,” he said, as he looked around the house; “a boy's home feels huge to him. I guess if I came back in ten years, it would look like a birdhouse.”

He went through the rooms and up-stairs where he had slept and looked out the window down in the back yard where, nearly sixty years before, Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn, Joe Harper, and the rest—that is to say, Tom Blankenship, John Briggs, Will Pitts, and the Bowen boys—set out on their nightly escapades. Of that lightsome band Will Pitts and John Briggs still remained, with half a dozen others—schoolmates of the less adventurous sort. Buck Brown, who had been his rival in the spelling contests, was still there, and John Robards, who had worn golden curls and the medal for good conduct, and Ed Pierce. And while these were assembled in a little group on the pavement outside the home a small old man came up and put out his hand, and it was Jimmy MacDaniel, to whom so long before, sitting on the river-bank and eating gingerbread, he had first told the story of Jim Wolfe and the cats.

He went through the rooms and upstairs where he had slept and looked out the window down into the backyard where, nearly sixty years earlier, Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn, Joe Harper, and the others—that is to say, Tom Blankenship, John Briggs, Will Pitts, and the Bowen boys—went off on their nightly adventures. Of that lively group, Will Pitts and John Briggs were still around, along with half a dozen others—schoolmates who were less adventurous. Buck Brown, who had been his rival in the spelling contests, was still there, along with John Robards, who had golden curls and the medal for good conduct, and Ed Pierce. While they gathered in a small group on the pavement outside the home, a small old man came up and extended his hand, and it was Jimmy MacDaniel, to whom so long ago, sitting on the riverbank and eating gingerbread, he had first told the story of Jim Wolfe and the cats.

They put him into a carriage, drove him far and wide, and showed the hills and resorts and rendezvous of Tom Sawyer and his marauding band.

They put him in a carriage, took him all over the place, and showed him the hills, resorts, and meeting spots of Tom Sawyer and his group of troublemakers.

He was entertained that evening by the Labinnah Club (whose name was achieved by a backward spelling of Hannibal), where he found most of the survivors of his youth. The news report of that occasion states that he was introduced by Father McLoughlin, and that he “responded in a very humorous and touchingly pathetic way, breaking down in tears at the conclusion. Commenting on his boyhood days and referring to his mother was too much for the great humorist. Before him as he spoke were sitting seven of his boyhood friends.”

He spent that evening at the Labinnah Club (named by spelling Hannibal backward), where he reunited with most of his childhood friends. A news report from that night says he was introduced by Father McLoughlin and that he “responded in a very humorous yet touching way, breaking down in tears at the end. Talking about his childhood and mentioning his mother was just too much for the great comedian. Sitting in front of him as he spoke were seven of his childhood friends.”

On Sunday morning Col. John Robards escorted him to the various churches and Sunday-schools. They were all new churches to Samuel Clemens, but he pretended not to recognize this fact. In each one he was asked to speak a few words, and he began by saying how good it was to be back in the old home Sunday-school again, which as a boy he had always so loved, and he would go on and point out the very place he had sat, and his escort hardly knew whether or not to enjoy the proceedings. At one place he told a moral story. He said:

On Sunday morning, Col. John Robards took him around to different churches and Sunday schools. These were all new to Samuel Clemens, but he pretended not to notice. In each one, he was asked to say a few words, and he started by mentioning how great it was to be back at his old hometown Sunday school, which he had always loved as a boy. He would then point out the exact spot where he used to sit, leaving his escort uncertain about whether to enjoy the moment. At one place, he shared a moral story. He said:

Little boys and girls, I want to tell you a story which illustrates the value of perseverance—of sticking to your work, as it were. It is a story very proper for a Sunday-school. When I was a little boy in Hannibal I used to play a good deal up here on Holliday's Hill, which of course you all know. John Briggs and I played up there. I don't suppose there are any little boys as good as we were then, but of course that is not to be expected. Little boys in those days were 'most always good little boys, because those were the good old times when everything was better than it is now, but never mind that. Well, once upon a time, on Holliday's Hill, they were blasting out rock, and a man was drilling for a blast. He sat there and drilled and drilled and drilled perseveringly until he had a hole down deep enough for the blast. Then he put in the powder and tamped and tamped it down, but maybe he tamped it a little too hard, for the blast went off and he went up into the air, and we watched him. He went up higher and higher and got smaller and smaller. First he looked as big as a child, then as big as a dog, then as big as a kitten, then as big as a bird, and finally he went out of sight. John Briggs was with me, and we watched the place where he went out of sight, and by and by we saw him coming down first as big as a bird, then as big as a kitten, then as big as a dog, then as big as a child, and then he was a man again, and landed right in his seat and went to drilling just persevering, you see, and sticking to his work. Little boys and girls, that's the secret of success, just like that poor but honest workman on Holliday's Hill. Of course you won't always be appreciated. He wasn't. His employer was a hard man, and on Saturday night when he paid him he docked him fifteen minutes for the time he was up in the air—but never mind, he had his reward.

Hey kids, I want to share a story that shows the value of perseverance—of staying committed to your work. It's a great story for Sunday school. When I was a little kid in Hannibal, I used to play a lot up on Holliday's Hill, which you all know. John Briggs and I played up there together. I doubt there are any little boys as good as we were back then, but that’s just how it was. Little boys in those days were almost always good, because those were the good old times when everything was better than now, but let’s not get into that. So, one time on Holliday's Hill, they were blasting rock, and a guy was drilling for a blast. He sat there and drilled and drilled and drilled persistently until he had a hole deep enough for the blast. Then he put in the powder and tamped it down, but maybe he tamped it a bit too hard, because the blast went off and he went up into the air, and we watched him. He soared higher and higher and got smaller and smaller. At first, he looked as big as a child, then as big as a dog, then as big as a kitten, then as big as a bird, and finally, he disappeared. John Briggs was with me, and we kept our eyes on the spot where he vanished, and eventually, we saw him coming down, first as big as a bird, then as big as a kitten, then as big as a dog, then as big as a child, and then he was a man again, landing right in his seat and going back to drilling, just as persistently as before, see? That’s the secret of success, just like that hardworking man on Holliday's Hill. Of course, you won't always get recognized for your efforts. He didn’t. His boss was tough, and on Saturday night when he paid him, he docked him fifteen minutes for the time he was up in the air—but that’s okay; he got his reward.

He told all this in his solemn, grave way, though the Sunday-school was in a storm of enjoyment when he finished. There still remains a doubt in Hannibal as to its perfect suitability, but there is no doubt as to its acceptability.

He shared all of this in his serious, solemn manner, even though the Sunday school erupted in laughter when he was done. Hannibal still has some doubts about whether it was entirely appropriate, but there's no question that it was well-received.

That Sunday afternoon, with John Briggs, he walked over Holliday's Hill—the Cardiff Hill of Tom Sawyer. It was jest such a Sunday as that one when they had so nearly demolished the negro driver and had damaged a cooper-shop. They calculated that nearly three thousand Sundays had passed since then, and now here they were once more, two old men with the hills still fresh and green, the river still sweeping by and rippling in the sun. Standing there together and looking across to the low-lying Illinois shore, and to the green islands where they had played, and to Lover's Leap on the south, the man who had been Sam Clemens said:

That Sunday afternoon, he and John Briggs walked over Holliday's Hill—the Cardiff Hill from Tom Sawyer. It was just like that Sunday when they almost took out the Black driver and damaged a cooper shop. They figured that nearly three thousand Sundays had gone by since then, and now they were back again, two old men with the hills still bright and green, the river still flowing and shimmering in the sun. Standing there together and looking at the flat Illinois shore, the green islands where they had played, and Lover's Leap to the south, the man who had been Sam Clemens said:

“John, that is one of the loveliest sights I ever saw. Down there by the island is the place we used to swim, and yonder is where a man was drowned, and there's where the steamboat sank. Down there on Lover's Leap is where the Millerites put on their robes one night to go to heaven. None of them went that night, but I suppose most of them have gone now.”

“John, that's one of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen. Down there by the island is where we used to swim, and over there is where a man drowned, and that’s where the steamboat sank. Down there on Lover's Leap is where the Millerites put on their robes one night to go to heaven. None of them made it that night, but I guess most of them have passed on now.”

John Briggs said:

John Briggs stated:

“Sam, do you remember the day we stole the peaches from old man Price and one of his bow-legged niggers came after us with the dogs, and how we made up our minds that we'd catch that nigger and drown him?”

“Sam, do you remember the day we took the peaches from old man Price and one of his bow-legged guys came after us with the dogs, and how we decided that we’d catch that guy and drown him?”

They came to the place where they had pried out the great rock that had so nearly brought them to grief. Sam Clemens said:

They arrived at the spot where they had removed the heavy rock that had almost caused them a lot of trouble. Sam Clemens said:

“John, if we had killed that man we'd have had a dead nigger on our hands without a cent to pay for him.”

“John, if we had killed that man, we would have had a dead Black person on our hands without a dime to pay for him.”

And so they talked on of this thing and that, and by and by they drove along the river, and Sam Clemens pointed out the place where he swam it and was taken with a cramp on the return swim, and believed for a while that his career was about to close.

And so they chatted about various things, and eventually they drove along the river, and Sam Clemens pointed out the spot where he swam across and got a cramp on the way back, thinking for a moment that his life was about to end.

“Once, near the shore, I thought I would let down,” he said, “but was afraid to, knowing that if the water was deep I was a goner, but finally my knees struck the sand and I crawled out. That was the closest call I ever had.”

“Once, near the shore, I thought I would let myself down,” he said, “but I was scared to, knowing that if the water was deep I’d be in trouble. But finally, my knees hit the sand and I crawled out. That was the closest call I ever had.”

They drove by the place where the haunted house had stood. They drank from a well they had always known, and from the bucket as they had always drunk, talking and always talking, fondling lovingly and lingeringly that most beautiful of all our possessions, the past.

They drove past where the haunted house used to be. They drank from a well they had always known, using the same bucket as before, talking and talking, gently and lingeringly holding on to our most treasured possession, the past.

“Sam,” said John, when they parted, “this is probably the last time we shall meet on this earth. God bless you. Perhaps somewhere we shall renew our friendship.”

“Sam,” said John as they parted, “this is probably the last time we’ll meet on this earth. God bless you. Maybe someday we’ll reconnect our friendship.”

“John,” was the answer, “this day has been worth thousands of dollars to me. We were like brothers once, and I feel that we are the same now. Good-by, John. I'll try to meet you—somewhere.”

“John,” was the answer, “this day has been worth thousands of dollars to me. We were like brothers once, and I feel that we are the same now. Goodbye, John. I'll try to meet you—somewhere.”





CCXXII. A PROPHET HONORED IN HIS COUNTRY

Clemens left next day for Columbia. Committees met him at Rensselaer, Monroe City, Clapper, Stoutsville, Paris, Madison, Moberly—at every station along the line of his travel. At each place crowds were gathered when the train pulled in, to cheer and wave and to present him with flowers. Sometimes he spoke a few words; but oftener his eyes were full of tears—his voice would not come.

Clemens left the next day for Columbia. Committees welcomed him at Rensselaer, Monroe City, Clapper, Stoutsville, Paris, Madison, and Moberly—at every stop along his route. At each location, crowds gathered when the train arrived, cheering, waving, and giving him flowers. Sometimes he said a few words; but more often, his eyes were filled with tears—he couldn't find his voice.

There is something essentially dramatic in official recognition by one's native State—the return of the lad who has set out unknown to battle with life, and who, having conquered, is invited back to be crowned. No other honor, however great and spectacular, is quite like that, for there is in it a pathos and a completeness that are elemental and stir emotions as old as life itself.

There’s something truly dramatic about being officially recognized by your home state—the return of the young person who left unknown to face life’s challenges and, having triumphed, is welcomed back to receive accolades. No other honor, no matter how grand or impressive, feels quite the same because it carries a deep emotional weight and a sense of fulfillment that are fundamental and evoke feelings as ancient as life itself.

It was on the 4th of June, 1902, that Mark Twain received his doctor of laws degree from the State University at Columbia, Missouri. James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture, and Ethan Allen Hitchcock, Secretary of the Interior, were among those similarly honored. Mark Twain was naturally the chief attraction. Dressed in his Yale scholastic gown he led the procession of graduating students, and, as in Hannibal, awarded them their diplomas. The regular exercises were made purposely brief in order that some time might be allowed for the conferring of the degrees. This ceremony was a peculiarly impressive one. Gardner Lathrop read a brief statement introducing “America's foremost author and best-loved citizen, Samuel Langhorne Clemens—Mark Twain.”

On June 4, 1902, Mark Twain received his honorary doctor of laws degree from the State University at Columbia, Missouri. James Wilson, the Secretary of Agriculture, and Ethan Allen Hitchcock, the Secretary of the Interior, were also honored that day. Naturally, Mark Twain was the main attraction. Dressed in his Yale gown, he led the graduating students' procession and, just like in Hannibal, handed out their diplomas. The regular ceremony was intentionally kept short to allow time for the degree conferral. This ceremony was particularly impressive. Gardner Lathrop gave a brief introduction for “America's foremost author and most beloved citizen, Samuel Langhorne Clemens—Mark Twain.”

Clemens rose, stepped out to the center of the stage, and paused. He seemed to be in doubt as to whether he should make a speech or simply express his thanks and retire. Suddenly, and without a signal, the great audience rose as one man and stood in silence at his feet. He bowed, but he could not speak. Then that vast assembly began a peculiar chant, spelling out slowly the word Missouri, with a pause between each letter. It was dramatic; it was tremendous in its impressiveness. He had recovered himself when they finished. He said he didn't know whether he was expected to make a speech or not. They did not leave him in doubt. They cheered and demanded a speech, a speech, and he made them one—one of the speeches he could make best, full of quaint phrasing, happy humor, gentle and dramatic pathos. He closed by telling the watermelon story for its “moral effect.”

Clemens stood up, stepped out to the center of the stage, and paused. He seemed unsure whether to give a speech or just say thanks and step back. Suddenly, without any cue, the entire audience rose together and stood silently at his feet. He bowed, but words wouldn't come. Then, that huge crowd started a unique chant, slowly spelling out the word Missouri, with a pause between each letter. It was dramatic; it was incredibly powerful. He gathered himself as they finished. He mentioned that he didn’t know if he was supposed to give a speech or not. They made it clear they expected one. They cheered and called for a speech, and so he gave them one—one of his best speeches, full of unique phrasing, clever humor, and gentle, dramatic emotion. He ended with the watermelon story for its “moral effect.”

He was the guest of E. W. Stevens in Columbia, and a dinner was given in his honor. They would have liked to keep him longer, but he was due in St. Louis again to join in the dedication of the grounds, where was to be held a World's Fair, to celebrate the Louisiana Purchase. Another ceremony he attended was the christening of the St. Louis harbor-boat, or rather the rechristening, for it had been decided to change its name from the St. Louis—[Originally the Elon G. Smith, built in 1873.]—to the Mark Twain. A short trip was made on it for the ceremony. Governor Francis and Mayor Wells were of the party, and Count and Countess Rochambeau and Marquis de Lafayette, with the rest of the French group that had come over for the dedication of the World's Fair grounds.

He was the guest of E. W. Stevens in Columbia, and a dinner was held in his honor. They would have liked to keep him longer, but he was scheduled to be in St. Louis again for the dedication of the grounds, where a World's Fair was set to celebrate the Louisiana Purchase. Another event he attended was the renaming of the St. Louis harbor boat, which was changing its name from the St. Louis—[Originally the Elon G. Smith, built in 1873.]—to the Mark Twain. A short trip was made on it for the ceremony. Governor Francis and Mayor Wells were part of the group, along with Count and Countess Rochambeau and Marquis de Lafayette, along with the rest of the French delegation that had come over for the dedication of the World's Fair grounds.

Mark Twain himself was invited to pilot the harbor boat, and so returned for the last time to his old place at the wheel. They all collected in the pilot-house behind him, feeling that it was a memorable occasion. They were going along well enough when he saw a little ripple running out from the shore across the bow. In the old days he could have told whether it indicated a bar there or was only caused by the wind, but he could not be sure any more. Turning to the pilot languidly, he said: “I feel a little tired. I guess you had better take the wheel.”

Mark Twain was invited to steer the harbor boat, returning for the last time to his old spot at the wheel. Everyone gathered in the pilot house behind him, aware that it was a significant moment. They were cruising along fine when he noticed a slight ripple coming from the shore across the bow. In the past, he could've easily determined whether it signaled a sandbar or was just caused by the wind, but he wasn't sure anymore. Turning to the pilot casually, he said, “I’m feeling a bit tired. You’d better take over the wheel.”

Luncheon was served aboard, and Mayor Wells made the christening speech; then the Countess Rochambeau took a bottle of champagne from the hand of Governor Francis and smashed it on the deck, saying, “I christen thee, good boat, Mark Twain.” So it was, the Mississippi joined in according him honors. In his speech of reply he paid tribute to those illustrious visitors from France and recounted something of the story of French exploration along that great river.

Lunch was served on board, and Mayor Wells gave the christening speech; then Countess Rochambeau took a bottle of champagne from Governor Francis and smashed it on the deck, saying, “I christen you, good boat, Mark Twain.” And so it was that the Mississippi honored it. In his response, he paid tribute to those distinguished visitors from France and shared some of the history of French exploration along that great river.

“The name of La Salle will last as long as the river itself,” he said; “will last until commerce is dead. We have allowed the commerce of the river to die, but it was to accommodate the railroads, and we must be grateful.”

“The name of La Salle will endure as long as the river does,” he said; “it will last until commerce is gone. We’ve let the river’s commerce fade away, but it was to make way for the railroads, and we should be thankful.”

Carriages were waiting for them when the boat landed in the afternoon, and the party got in and were driven to a house which had been identified as Eugene Field's birthplace. A bronze tablet recording this fact had been installed, and this was to be the unveiling. The place was not in an inviting quarter of the town. It stood in what is known as Walsh's Row—was fashionable enough once, perhaps, but long since fallen into disrepute. Ragged children played in the doorways, and thirsty lodgers were making trips with tin pails to convenient bar-rooms. A curious nondescript audience assembled around the little group of dedicators, wondering what it was all about. The tablet was concealed by the American flag, which could be easily pulled away by an attached cord. Governor Francis spoke a few words, to the effect that they had gathered here to unveil a tablet to an American poet, and that it was fitting that Mark Twain should do this. They removed their hats, and Clemens, his white hair blowing in the wind, said:

Carriages were waiting for them when the boat arrived in the afternoon, and the group got in and was driven to a house that had been recognized as Eugene Field's birthplace. A bronze plaque marking this fact had been installed, and this was the unveiling event. The location wasn’t in the most appealing part of town. It stood on what is called Walsh's Row—once somewhat fashionable, but long fallen out of favor. Ragged children were playing in the doorways, and thirsty tenants were making trips with tin pails to nearby bars. A curious crowd gathered around the small group of dedicators, wondering what was happening. The plaque was covered by the American flag, which could easily be pulled away by a cord. Governor Francis said a few words, explaining that they were here to unveil a plaque honoring an American poet, and that it was appropriate for Mark Twain to do this. They took off their hats, and Clemens, his white hair blowing in the wind, said:

“My friends; we are here with reverence and respect to commemorate and enshrine in memory the house where was born a man who, by his life, made bright the lives of all who knew him, and by his literary efforts cheered the thoughts of thousands who never knew him. I take pleasure in unveiling the tablet of Eugene Field.”

“My friends, we gather here with honor and respect to remember and recognize the home where a remarkable man was born. Through his life, he brought joy to everyone who knew him, and through his writings, he uplifted the minds of countless people who never met him. I’m happy to unveil the plaque for Eugene Field.”

The flag fell and the bronze inscription was revealed. By this time the crowd, generally, had recognized who it was that was speaking. A working-man proposed three cheers for Mark Twain, and they were heartily given. Then the little party drove away, while the neighborhood collected to regard the old house with a new interest.

The flag dropped and the bronze inscription was uncovered. By then, the crowd had mostly figured out who was speaking. A working man suggested three cheers for Mark Twain, and they were loudly given. Then the small group drove off, while the neighborhood gathered to look at the old house with fresh curiosity.

It was reported to Clemens later that there was some dispute as to the identity of the Field birthplace. He said:

It was reported to Clemens later that there was some disagreement about the location of the Field's birthplace. He said:

“Never mind. It is of no real consequence whether it is his birthplace or not. A rose in any other garden will bloom as sweet.”

“Never mind. It doesn’t really matter whether it’s his birthplace or not. A rose in any other garden will still smell just as sweet.”





CCXXIII. AT YORK HARBOR

They decided to spend the summer at York Harbor, Maine. They engaged a cottage, there, and about the end of June Mr. Rogers brought his yacht Kanawha to their water-front at Riverdale, and in perfect weather took them to Maine by sea. They landed at York Harbor and took possession of their cottage, The Pines, one of their many attractive summer lodges. Howells, at Kittery Point, was not far away, and everything promised a happy summer.

They decided to spend the summer in York Harbor, Maine. They rented a cottage there, and by the end of June, Mr. Rogers brought his yacht Kanawha to their waterfront at Riverdale, and in beautiful weather, took them to Maine by sea. They arrived at York Harbor and settled into their cottage, The Pines, one of their many lovely summer spots. Howells, at Kittery Point, wasn’t far away, and everything promised a wonderful summer.

Mrs. Clemens wrote to Mrs. Crane:

Mrs. Clemens wrote to Mrs. Crane:

    We are in the midst of pines. They come up right about us, and the
    house is so high and the roots of the trees are so far below the
    veranda that we are right in the branches. We drove over to call on
    Mr. and Mrs. Howells. The drive was most beautiful, and never in my
    life have I seen such a variety of wild flowers in so short a space.
    We are surrounded by pine trees. They rise all around us, and the house is so elevated that the roots of the trees are deep beneath the porch, making us feel like we’re right in the branches. We drove over to visit Mr. and Mrs. Howells. The drive was absolutely stunning, and I've never seen such a wide range of wildflowers in such a small area.

Howells tells us of the wide, low cottage in a pine grove overlooking York River, and how he used to sit with Clemens that summer at a corner of the veranda farthest away from Mrs. Clemens's window, where they could read their manuscripts to each other, and tell their stories and laugh their hearts out without disturbing her.

Howells shares that there’s a spacious, low cottage in a pine grove overlooking the York River, where he and Clemens would sit together that summer at the farthest corner of the veranda from Mrs. Clemens's window. This way, they could read their manuscripts to each other, share their stories, and laugh freely without bothering her.

Clemens, as was his habit, had taken a work-room in a separate cottage “in the house of a friend and neighbor, a fisherman and a boatman”:

Clemens, as was his usual practice, had rented a workspace in a separate cottage “on the property of a friend and neighbor, a fisherman and a boatman”:

    There was a table where he could write, and a bed where he could lie
    down and read; and there, unless my memory has played me one of
    those constructive tricks that people's memories indulge in, he read
    me the first chapters of an admirable story. The scene was laid in
    a Missouri town, and the characters such as he had known in boyhood;
    but often as I tried to make him own it, he denied having written
    any such story; it is possible that I dreamed it, but I hope the MS.
    will yet be found.
    There was a table where he could write and a bed where he could lie down and read. There, unless my memory has pulled one of those tricks that it sometimes does, he read me the first chapters of an amazing story. The setting was a town in Missouri, and the characters were like ones he knew in his childhood. But no matter how many times I tried to get him to admit it, he denied having written that story. It's possible I imagined it, but I hope the manuscript will still be found.

Howells did not dream it; but in one way his memory misled him. The story was one which Clemens had heard in Hannibal, and he doubtless related it in his vivid way. Howells, writing at a later time, quite naturally included it among the several manuscripts which Clemens read aloud to him. Clemens may have intended to write the tale, may even have begun it, though this is unlikely. The incidents were too well known and too notorious in his old home for fiction.

Howells didn't dream it; however, his memory tricked him in one way. The story was one that Clemens had heard in Hannibal, and he definitely told it in his lively style. Howells, writing later, naturally included it among the various manuscripts that Clemens read to him. Clemens may have meant to write the story, and he might have even started it, though that's unlikely. The events were too famous and too well-known in his hometown to be fictional.

Among the stories that Clemens did show, or read, to Howells that summer was “The Belated Passport,” a strong, intensely interesting story with what Howells in a letter calls a “goat's tail ending,” perhaps meaning that it stopped with a brief and sudden shake—with a joke, in fact, altogether unimportant, and on the whole disappointing to the reader. A far more notable literary work of that summer grew out of a true incident which Howells related to Clemens as they sat chatting together on the veranda overlooking the river one summer afternoon. It was a pathetic episode in the life of some former occupants of The Pines—the tale of a double illness in the household, where a righteous deception was carried on during several weeks for the benefit of a life that was about to slip away. Out of this grew the story, “Was it Heaven? or Hell?” a heartbreaking history which probes the very depths of the human soul. Next to “Hadleyburg,” it is Mark Twain's greatest fictional sermon.

Among the stories that Clemens shared or read to Howells that summer was “The Belated Passport,” a powerful and captivating story with what Howells described in a letter as a “goat's tail ending,” likely referring to its abrupt and unexpected conclusion—with a joke that, in the grand scheme, felt insignificant and left the reader feeling let down. A much more significant literary work from that summer emerged from a real-life incident that Howells recounted to Clemens while they were chatting on the veranda overlooking the river one summer afternoon. It was a touching episode about some former residents of The Pines—an account of a double illness in the household, where a noble deception was maintained for several weeks to support a life that was about to fade away. This inspired the story “Was it Heaven? or Hell?” a heartbreaking narrative that explores the deepest parts of the human soul. Next to “Hadleyburg,” it stands as Mark Twain's greatest fictional sermon.

Clemens that summer wrote, or rather finished, his most pretentious poem. One day at Riverdale, when Mrs. Clemens had been with him on the lawn, they had remembered together the time when their family of little folks had filled their lives so full, conjuring up dream-like glimpses of them in the years of play and short frocks and hair-plaits down their backs. It was pathetic, heart-wringing fancying; and later in the day Clemens conceived and began the poem which now he brought to conclusion. It was built on the idea of a mother who imagines her dead child still living, and describes to any listener the pictures of her fancy. It is an impressive piece of work; but the author, for some reason, did not offer it for publication.—[This poem was completed on the anniversary of Susy's death and is of considerable length. Some selections from it will be found under Appendix U, at the end of this work.]

Clemens spent that summer writing, or rather finishing, his most ambitious poem. One day at Riverdale, while Mrs. Clemens was with him on the lawn, they reminisced about the time when their little ones filled their lives with joy, evoking dream-like memories of their playful years in short dresses and braided hair. It was a poignant, heart-wrenching thought; later that day, Clemens conceived and began the poem that he eventually completed. The poem is based on the idea of a mother who imagines her deceased child as still alive, describing to anyone who listens the vivid images of her imagination. It’s a powerful piece of work, but for some reason, the author chose not to publish it.—[This poem was completed on the anniversary of Susy’s death and is quite lengthy. Some excerpts from it can be found under Appendix U, at the end of this work.]

Mrs. Clemens, whose health earlier in the year had been delicate, became very seriously ill at York Harbor. Howells writes:

Mrs. Clemens, whose health had been fragile earlier this year, became very seriously ill at York Harbor. Howells writes:

At first she had been about the house, and there was one gentle afternoon when she made tea for us in the parlor, but that was the last time I spoke with her. After that it was really a question of how soonest and easiest she could be got back to Riverdale.

At first, she was around the house, and there was one nice afternoon when she made tea for us in the living room, but that was the last time I talked to her. After that, it was really a matter of how quickly and easily she could be taken back to Riverdale.

She had seemed to be in fairly good health and spirits for several weeks after the arrival at York. Then, early in August, there came a great celebration of some municipal anniversary, and for two or three days there were processions, mass-meetings, and so on by day, with fireworks at night. Mrs. Clemens, always young in spirit, was greatly interested. She went about more than her strength warranted, seeing and hearing and enjoying all that was going on. She was finally persuaded to forego the remaining ceremonies and rest quietly on the pleasant veranda at home; but she had overtaxed herself and a collapse was inevitable. Howells and two friends called one afternoon, and a friend of the Queen of Rumania, a Madame Hartwig, who had brought from that gracious sovereign a letter which closed in this simple and modest fashion:

She had seemed to be in pretty good health and spirits for several weeks after arriving in York. Then, in early August, there was a big celebration for a local anniversary, and for two or three days, there were parades, public meetings, and so on during the day, with fireworks at night. Mrs. Clemens, always young at heart, was very interested. She got around more than she should have, seeing, hearing, and enjoying everything happening. Eventually, she was convinced to skip the remaining events and relax peacefully on the nice veranda at home; however, she had exhausted herself, and a breakdown was unavoidable. Howells and two friends visited one afternoon, along with a friend of the Queen of Rumania, Madame Hartwig, who had brought a letter from the gracious queen that ended in this simple and modest way:

    I beg your pardon for being a bore to one I so deeply love and
    admire, to whom I owe days and days of forgetfulness of self and
    troubles, and the intensest of all joys-hero-worship! People don't
    always realize what a happiness that is! God bless you for every
    beautiful thought you poured into my tired heart, and for every
    smile on a weary way.                CARMEN SYLVA.
I’m sorry for being a bore to someone I love and admire so much, to whom I owe countless days of forgetting my own troubles and the greatest joy of all—hero-worship! People often don’t understand what a happiness that is! Thank you for every beautiful thought you’ve shared with my tired heart, and for every smile along the weary path.                CARMEN SYLVA.

This was the occasion mentioned by Howells when Mrs. Clemens made tea for them in the parlor for the last time. Her social life may be said to have ended that afternoon. Next morning the break came. Clemens, in his notebook for that day, writes:

This was the occasion that Howells mentioned when Mrs. Clemens made tea for them in the living room for the last time. You could say her social life ended that afternoon. The next morning, the change happened. Clemens wrote in his notebook for that day:

Tuesday, August 12, 1902. At 7 A.M. Livy taken violently ill. Telephoned and Dr. Lambert was here in 1/2 hour. She could not breathe-was likely to stifle. Also she had severe palpitation. She believed she was dying. I also believed it.

Tuesday, August 12, 1902. At 7 A.M., Livy became seriously ill. I called and Dr. Lambert arrived within half an hour. She was having trouble breathing and was close to choking. She also had severe heart palpitations. She thought she was dying. I thought so too.

Nurses were summoned, and Mrs. Crane and others came from Elmira. Clara Clemens took charge of the household and matters generally, and the patient was secluded and guarded from every disturbing influence. Clemens slipped about with warnings of silence. A visitor found notices in Mark Twain's writing pinned to the trees near Mrs. Clemens's window warning the birds not to sing too loudly.

Nurses were called in, and Mrs. Crane and others arrived from Elmira. Clara Clemens took over the household and overall management, ensuring the patient was kept away from any disturbances. Clemens moved around quietly, reminding everyone to stay silent. A visitor found notes in Mark Twain's handwriting pinned to the trees near Mrs. Clemens's window telling the birds not to sing too loudly.

The patient rallied, but she remained very much debilitated. On September 3d the note-book says:

The patient improved, but she was still quite weak. On September 3rd, the notebook says:

    Always Mr. Rogers keeps his yacht Kanawha in commission & ready to
    fly here and take us to Riverdale on telegraphic notice.
    Mr. Rogers always keeps his yacht Kanawha in service and ready to take us to Riverdale on short notice.

But Mrs. Clemens was unable to return by sea. When it was decided at last, in October, that she could be removed to Riverdale, Clemens and Howells went to Boston and engaged an invalid car to make the journey from York Harbor to Riverdale without change. Howells tells us that Clemens gave his strictest personal attention to the arrangement of these details, and that they absorbed him.

But Mrs. Clemens couldn't return by sea. When it was finally decided in October that she could be moved to Riverdale, Clemens and Howells went to Boston and booked an invalid car to travel from York Harbor to Riverdale without any stops. Howells tells us that Clemens paid close personal attention to organizing these details, and they fully occupied his mind.

    There was no particular of the business which he did not scrutinize
    and master.... With the inertness that grows upon an aging
    man he had been used to delegate more and more things, but of that
    thing I perceived that he would not delegate the least detail.
    He examined and understood every aspect of the business.... As he aged, he had developed a habit of handing over more tasks to others, but I noticed that he refused to delegate even the smallest detail of that particular matter.

They made the journey on the 16th, in nine and a half hours. With the exception of the natural weariness due to such a trip, the invalid was apparently no worse on their arrival. The stout English butler carried her to her room. It would be many months before she would leave it again. In one of his memoranda Clemens wrote:

They traveled on the 16th, taking nine and a half hours. Aside from the usual fatigue from the trip, the patient seemed no worse when they arrived. The heavy-set English butler carried her to her room. It would be many months before she would leave it again. In one of his notes, Clemens wrote:

    Our dear prisoner is where she is through overwork-day & night
    devotion to the children & me. We did not know how to value it. We
    know now.
    Our dear prisoner is where she is because of her nonstop work and dedication to the kids and me. We didn't realize how much that mattered. We understand now.

And in a notation, on a letter praising him for what he had done for the world's enjoyment, and for his splendid triumph over debt, he said:

And in a note on a letter praising him for what he had done for everyone's enjoyment and for his amazing victory over debt, he said:

    Livy never gets her share of these applauses, but it is because the
    people do not know. Yet she is entitled to the lion's share.
    Livy never receives her fair share of these praises, but that's because people are unaware. Still, she deserves the largest portion.

He wrote Twichell at the end of October:

He wrote to Twichell at the end of October:

    Livy drags along drearily. It must be hard times for that turbulent
    spirit. It will be a long time before she is on her feet again. It
    is a most pathetic case. I wish I could transfer it to myself.
    Between ripping & raging & smoking & reading I could get a good deal
    of holiday out of it. Clara runs the house smoothly & capitally.
    Livy trudges along sadly. It must be tough times for that restless spirit. It’ll be a while before she gets back on her feet. It's a truly heartbreaking situation. I wish I could take it on myself. Between venting my frustrations, raging, smoking, and reading, I could really make a holiday out of it. Clara manages the house efficiently and excellently.

Heavy as was the cloud of illness, he could not help pestering Twichell a little about a recent mishap—a sprained shoulder:

Heavy as the cloud of illness was, he couldn't help but bug Twichell a bit about a recent accident—a sprained shoulder:

    I should like to know how & where it happened. In the pulpit, as
    like as not, otherwise you would not be taking so much pains to
    conceal it. This is not a malicious suggestion, & not a personally
    invented one: you told me yourself once that you threw artificial
    power & impressiveness in your sermons where needed by “banging the
    Bible”—(your own words). You have reached a time of life when it
    is not wise to take these risks. You would better jump around. We
    all have to change our methods as the infirmities of age creep upon
    us. Jumping around will be impressive now, whereas before you were
    gray it would have excited remark.
I’d like to know how and where it happened. Probably in the pulpit, otherwise you wouldn’t be trying so hard to hide it. This is not a spiteful suggestion, and it’s not something I made up: you once told me that you added artificial power and impressiveness to your sermons when needed by “banging the Bible”—your own words. You’ve reached a stage in life where it’s not wise to take these risks. You’d be better off jumping around. We all need to change our approach as the challenges of age come upon us. Jumping around will be impressive now, while before you went gray, it would have drawn attention.

Mrs. Clemens seemed to improve as the weeks passed, and they had great hopes of her complete recovery. Clemens took up some work—a new Huck Finn story, inspired by his trip to Hannibal. It was to have two parts—Huck and Tom in youth, and then their return in old age. He did some chapters quite in the old vein, and wrote to Howells of his plan. Howells answered:

Mrs. Clemens seemed to get better as the weeks went by, and they had high hopes for her full recovery. Clemens started working on a new Huck Finn story, inspired by his trip to Hannibal. It was going to have two parts—Huck and Tom in their youth, and then their return in old age. He wrote some chapters in the classic style and shared his plan with Howells. Howells replied:

    It is a great lay-out: what I shall enjoy most will be the return of
    the old fellows to the scene and their tall lying. There is a
    matchless chance there. I suppose you will put in plenty of pegs in
    this prefatory part.
It’s a great setup: what I’ll enjoy the most is the return of the old guys to the scene and their tall tales. There’s an unbeatable opportunity there. I guess you’ll include plenty of details in this introductory part.

But the new story did not reach completion. Huck and Tom would not come back, even to go over the old scenes.

But the new story never got finished. Huck and Tom didn’t come back, not even to revisit the old memories.





CCXXIV. THE SIXTY-SEVENTH BIRTHDAY DINNER

It was on the evening of the 27th of November, 1902, I at the Metropolitan Club, New York City, that Col. George Harvey, president of the Harper Company, gave Mark Twain a dinner in celebration of his sixty-seventh birthday. The actual date fell three days later; but that would bring it on Sunday, and to give it on Saturday night would be more than likely to carry it into Sabbath morning, and so the 27th was chosen. Colonel Harvey himself presided, and Howells led the speakers with a poem, “A Double-Barreled Sonnet to Mark Twain,” which closed:

It was on the evening of November 27, 1902, at the Metropolitan Club in New York City, that Col. George Harvey, president of Harper Company, hosted a dinner for Mark Twain to celebrate his sixty-seventh birthday. The actual birthday was three days later, but that would fall on a Sunday, and holding it on Saturday night would likely push it into Sunday morning, so the 27th was chosen instead. Colonel Harvey himself presided over the event, and Howells kicked off the speeches with a poem titled “A Double-Barreled Sonnet to Mark Twain,” which concluded:

       Still, to have everything beyond cavil right,
       We will dine with you here till Sunday night.
       Still, to make sure everything is beyond dispute,
       We'll have dinner with you here until Sunday night.

Thomas Brackett Reed followed with what proved to be the last speech he would ever make, as it was also one of his best. All the speakers did well that night, and they included some of the country's foremost in oratory: Chauncey Depew, St. Clair McKelway, Hamilton Mabie, and Wayne MacVeagh. Dr. Henry van Dyke and John Kendrick Bangs read poems. The chairman constantly kept the occasion from becoming too serious by maintaining an attitude of “thinking ambassador” for the guest of the evening, gently pushing Clemens back in his seat when he attempted to rise and expressing for him an opinion of each of the various tributes.

Thomas Brackett Reed delivered what turned out to be the last speech of his life, and it was also one of his best. All the speakers that night performed well, including some of the country's top orators: Chauncey Depew, St. Clair McKelway, Hamilton Mabie, and Wayne MacVeagh. Dr. Henry van Dyke and John Kendrick Bangs recited poems. The chairman consistently prevented the occasion from becoming too serious by adopting a “thinking ambassador” role for the guest of honor, gently nudging Clemens back into his seat when he tried to stand and expressing his thoughts on each of the various tributes.

“The limit has been reached,” he announced at the close of Dr. van Dyke's poem. “More that is better could not be said. Gentlemen, Mr. Clemens.”

“The limit has been reached,” he announced at the end of Dr. van Dyke's poem. “There’s nothing more that can be said that’s better. Gentlemen, Mr. Clemens.”

It is seldom that Mark Twain has made a better after-dinner speech than he delivered then. He was surrounded by some of the best minds of the nation, men assembled to do him honor. They expected much of him—to Mark Twain always an inspiring circumstance. He was greeted with cheers and hand-clapping that came volley after volley, and seemed never ready to end. When it had died away at last he stood waiting a little in the stillness for his voice; then he said, “I think I ought to be allowed to talk as long as I want to,” and again the storm broke.

It's rare that Mark Twain gives a better after-dinner speech than the one he gave that day. He was surrounded by some of the brightest minds in the country, gathered to honor him. They had high expectations—something that always inspires Twain. He was met with cheers and applause that came in waves and seemed like it would never end. When it finally quieted down, he paused for a moment in the stillness for his voice; then he said, “I think I should be allowed to talk as long as I want to,” and the applause erupted again.

It is a speech not easy to abridge—a finished and perfect piece of after-dinner eloquence,—[The “Sixty-seventh Birthday Speech” entire is included in the volume Mark Twain's Speeches.]—full of humorous stories and moving references to old friends—to Hay; and Reed, and Twichell, and Howells, and Rogers, the friends he had known so long and loved so well. He told of his recent trip to his boyhood home, and how he had stood with John Briggs on Holliday's Hill and they had pointed out the haunts of their youth. Then at the end he paid a tribute to the companion of his home, who could not be there to share his evening's triumph. This peroration—a beautiful heart-offering to her and to those that had shared in long friendship—demands admission:

It's not easy to summarize this speech—it's a complete and polished piece of after-dinner speaking,—[The “Sixty-seventh Birthday Speech” entire is included in the volume Mark Twain's Speeches.]—full of funny stories and touching mentions of old friends—Hay, Reed, Twichell, Howells, and Rogers, the friends he had known for so long and loved so dearly. He talked about his recent visit to his childhood home and how he and John Briggs stood on Holliday's Hill reminiscing about their youthful hangouts. Then, at the end, he paid tribute to his partner at home, who couldn't be there to share in his success that evening. This conclusion—a heartfelt gift to her and to those who had been part of his long friendships—deserves to be included:

    Now, there is one invisible guest here. A part of me is not
    present; the larger part, the better part, is yonder at her home;
    that is my wife, and she has a good many personal friends here, and
    I think it won't distress any one of them to know that, although she
    is going to be confined to her bed for many months to come from that
    nervous prostration, there is not any danger and she is coming along
    very well—and I think it quite appropriate that I should speak of
    her. I knew her for the first time just in the same year that I
    first knew John Hay and Tom Reed and Mr. Twichell—thirty-six years
    ago—and she has been the best friend I have ever had, and that is
    saying a good deal—she has reared me—she and Twichell together
    —and what I am I owe to them. Twichell—why, it is such a pleasure
    to look upon Twichell's face! For five and twenty years I was under
    the Rev. Mr. Twichell's tuition, I was in his pastorate occupying a
    pew in his church and held him in due reverence. That man is full
    of all the graces that go to make a person companionable and
    beloved; and wherever Twichell goes to start a church the people
    flock there to buy the land; they find real estate goes up all
    around the spot, and the envious and the thoughtful always try to
    get Twichell to move to their neighborhood and start a church; and
    wherever you see him go you can go and buy land there with
    confidence, feeling sure that there will be a double price for you
    before very long.

    I have tried to do good in this world, and it is marvelous in how
    many different ways I have done good, and it is comfortable to
    reflect—now, there's Mr. Rogers—just out of the affection I bear
    that man many a time I have given him points in finance that he had
    never thought of—and if he could lay aside envy, prejudice, and
    superstition, and utilize those ideas in his business, it would make
    a difference in his bank-account.

    Well, I liked the poetry. I liked all the speeches and the poetry,
    too. I liked Dr. van Dyke's poem. I wish I could return thanks in
    proper measure to you, gentlemen, who have spoken and violated your
    feelings to pay me compliments; some were merited and some you
    overlooked, it is true; and Colonel Harvey did slander every one of
    you, and put things into my mouth that I never said, never thought
    of at all.

    And now my wife and I, out of our single heart, return you our
    deepest and most grateful thanks, and—yesterday was her birthday.
    Now, there’s one invisible guest here. A part of me isn’t present; the larger part, the better part, is back at home with my wife, who has quite a few friends here. I think it won’t upset any of them to know that, although she’ll be bedridden for many months due to her nervous exhaustion, she’s not in any danger and she’s recovering well—and I believe it’s appropriate to mention her. I first met her in the same year I met John Hay, Tom Reed, and Mr. Twichell—thirty-six years ago—and she has been the best friend I’ve ever had, which is saying a lot—she has raised me—she and Twichell together—and everything I am, I owe to them. Twichell—oh, it’s such a pleasure to see Twichell's face! For twenty-five years, I was under the Rev. Mr. Twichell’s guidance. I was in his church, sitting in his pew, and I held him in great respect. That man is full of the qualities that make someone enjoyable to be around and loved; wherever Twichell goes to start a church, people flock to buy land there; they find real estate prices go up all around, and the envious and thoughtful always try to persuade Twichell to move to their area and start a church; and wherever he goes, you can confidently buy land, knowing that before long, the value will double. 

    I’ve tried to do good in this world, and it’s amazing how many different ways I’ve succeeded, and it’s comforting to think about—now, there’s Mr. Rogers—out of the affection I have for him, I’ve often given him financial advice he’d never considered—and if he could set aside envy, prejudice, and superstition, and use those ideas in his business, it would make a difference to his bank account. 

    Well, I enjoyed the poetry. I liked all the speeches and the poetry, too. I liked Dr. van Dyke’s poem. I wish I could properly thank you, gentlemen, who have spoken and set aside your feelings to compliment me; some were deserved, and some you missed, it’s true; and Colonel Harvey did slander every one of you, putting words in my mouth that I never said and never even thought. 

    And now my wife and I, from our united hearts, give you our deepest and most heartfelt thanks, and—yesterday was her birthday.

The sixty-seventh birthday dinner was widely celebrated by the press, and newspaper men generally took occasion to pay brilliant compliments to Mark Twain. Arthur Brisbane wrote editorially:

The celebration of Mark Twain's sixty-seventh birthday dinner received a lot of attention from the press, and journalists took the opportunity to offer glowing praise for him. Arthur Brisbane wrote in an editorial:

    For more than a generation he has been the Messiah of a genuine
    gladness and joy to the millions of three continents.
For over a generation, he has been the Messiah of true happiness and joy to millions across three continents.

It was little more than a week later that one of the old friends he had mentioned, Thomas Brackett Reed, apparently well and strong that birthday evening, passed from the things of this world. Clemens felt his death keenly, and in a “good-by” which he wrote for Harper's Weekly he said:

It was just over a week later that one of the old friends he had mentioned, Thomas Brackett Reed, who seemed to be doing well that birthday evening, passed away. Clemens felt his death deeply, and in a “goodbye” he wrote for Harper's Weekly he said:

    His was a nature which invited affection—compelled it, in fact—and
    met it half-way. Hence, he was “Tom” to the most of his friends and
    to half of the nation....

    I cannot remember back to a time when he was not “Tom” Reed to me,
    nor to a time when he could have been offended at being so addressed
    by me. I cannot remember back to a time when I could let him alone
    in an after-dinner speech if he was present, nor to a time when he
    did not take my extravagance concerning him and misstatements about
    him in good part, nor yet to a time when he did not pay them back
    with usury when his turn came. The last speech he made was at my
    birthday dinner at the end of November, when naturally I was his
    text; my last word to him was in a letter the next day; a day later
    I was illustrating a fantastic article on art with his portrait
    among others—a portrait now to be laid reverently away among the
    jests that begin in humor and end in pathos. These things happened
    only eight days ago, and now he is gone from us, and the nation is
    speaking of him as one who was. It seems incredible, impossible.
    Such a man, such a friend, seems to us a permanent possession; his
    vanishing from our midst is unthinkable, as was the vanishing of the
    Campanile, that had stood for a thousand years and was turned to
    dust in a moment.
His nature was one that drew people in—actually, it demanded affection—and he always reciprocated. Because of this, most of his friends and half of the nation called him “Tom”...

I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t “Tom” Reed to me, nor a time when he would have been upset at being called that by me. I can’t recall ever being able to skip over mentioning him in an after-dinner speech if he was around, nor a time when he didn’t take my exaggerations and misstatements about him with good humor, nor a time when he didn’t hit me back tenfold when it was his turn. The last speech he gave was at my birthday dinner at the end of November, where of course I was the topic; my last words to him were in a letter the next day; a day later, I was featuring a whimsical article on art with his portrait among others—a portrait that will now be respectfully placed among the jokes that start in humor and end in sadness. These events happened only eight days ago, and now he is gone from us, and the nation is talking about him as someone who was. It feels unbelievable, impossible. Such a man, such a friend, feels like a permanent part of our lives; his absence is unfathomable, just like the disappearance of the Campanile, which had stood for a thousand years and turned to dust in an instant.

The appreciation closes:

The appreciation ends:

    I have only wished to say how fine and beautiful was his life and
    character, and to take him by the hand and say good-by, as to a
    fortunate friend who has done well his work and gees a pleasant
    journey.
    I just wanted to express how wonderful and beautiful his life and character were, and to take his hand and say goodbye, like to a fortunate friend who has done his work well and is now off on a pleasant journey.




CCXXV. CHRISTIAN SCIENCE CONTROVERSIES

The North American Review for December (1902) contained an instalment of the Christian Science series which Mark Twain had written in Vienna several years before. He had renewed his interest in the doctrine, and his admiration for Mrs. Eddy's peculiar abilities and his antagonism toward her had augmented in the mean time. Howells refers to the “mighty moment when Clemens was building his engines of war for the destruction of Christian Science, which superstition nobody, and he least of all, expected to destroy”:

The North American Review for December (1902) featured a segment of the Christian Science series that Mark Twain had written in Vienna a few years earlier. He had rekindled his interest in the doctrine, and his admiration for Mrs. Eddy's unique talents, along with his opposition to her, had grown during that time. Howells mentions the “powerful moment when Clemens was preparing his arguments to fight against Christian Science, a belief that no one, least of all him, thought he could actually dismantle”:

    He believed that as a religious machine the Christian Science Church
    was as perfect as the Roman Church, and destined to be more
    formidable in its control of the minds of men....

    An interesting phase of his psychology in this business was not.
    only his admiration for the masterly policy of the Christian Science
    hierarchy, but his willingness to allow the miracles of its healers
    to be tried on his friends and family if they wished it. He had a
    tender heart for the whole generation of empirics, as well as the
    newer sorts of scienticians, but he seemed to base his faith in them
    largely upon the failure of the regulars, rather than upon their own
    successes, which also he believed in. He was recurrently, but not
    insistently, desirous that you should try their strange magics when
    you were going to try the familiar medicines.
    He thought that as a religious organization, the Christian Science Church was just as perfect as the Roman Church and was destined to be even more powerful in its influence over people's minds....

    An interesting aspect of his thinking in this situation was not only his admiration for the skillful strategy of the Christian Science leadership but also his readiness to let the miracles of its healers be tested on his friends and family if they wanted to. He had a kind heart for the entire generation of experimenters, as well as for the newer types of scientists, but it seemed like his faith in them was largely based on the failures of traditional medicine, rather than on their own achievements, which he also believed in. He was consistently, but not pushily, eager for you to try their unusual remedies when you were going to try the familiar medications.

Clemens never had any quarrel with the theory of Christian Science or mental healing, or with any of the empiric practices. He acknowledged good in all of them, and he welcomed most of them in preference to materia medica. It is true that his animosity for the founder of the Christian Science cult sometimes seems to lap over and fringe the religion itself; but this is apparent rather than real. Furthermore, he frequently expressed a deep obligation which humanity owed to the founder of the faith, in that she had organized a healing element ignorantly and indifferently employed hitherto. His quarrel with Mrs. Eddy lay in the belief that she herself, as he expressed it, was “a very unsound Christian Scientist.”

Clemens never had any issues with the theory of Christian Science or mental healing, nor with any of its practical applications. He recognized the value in all of them and preferred most of these approaches to traditional medicine. It's true that his dislike for the founder of the Christian Science movement sometimes seemed to spill over into his views on the religion itself, but this was more perception than reality. Additionally, he often acknowledged the significant debt humanity owed to the founder of the faith for organizing a healing practice that had previously been used carelessly and without understanding. His issue with Mrs. Eddy stemmed from his belief that she, as he put it, was "a very unsound Christian Scientist."

    I believe she has a serious malady—self-edification—and that it
    will be well to have one of the experts demonstrate over her. [But
    he added]: Closely examined, painstakingly studied, she is easily
    the most interesting person on the planet, and in several ways as
    easily the most extraordinary woman that was ever born upon it.
I think she has a real issue—self-improvement—and it would be good to have one of the experts look into her. [But he added]: When you take a close look at her, studying her carefully, she is by far the most interesting person on the planet, and in many ways, she’s also easily the most extraordinary woman to ever exist.

Necessarily, the forces of Christian Science were aroused by these articles, and there were various replies, among them, one by the founder herself, a moderate rejoinder in her usual literary form.

Necessarily, the forces of Christian Science were stirred by these articles, and there were various responses, including one from the founder herself, a measured reply in her typical writing style.

    “Mrs. Eddy in Error,” in the North American Review for April, 1903,
    completed what Clemens had to say on the matter for this time.
“Mrs. Eddy in Error,” in the North American Review for April, 1903, finished up what Clemens had to say on the subject for now.

He was putting together a book on the subject, comprised of his various published papers and some added chapters. It would not be a large volume, and he offered to let his Christian Science opponents share it with him, stating their side of the case. Mr. William D. McCrackan, one of the church's chief advocates, was among those invited to participate. McCrackan and Clemens, from having begun as enemies, had become quite friendly, and had discussed their differences face to face at considerable length. Early in the controversy Clemens one night wrote McCrackan a pretty savage letter. He threw it on the hall table for mailing, but later got out of bed and slipped down-stairs to get it. It was too late—the letters had been gathered up and mailed. Next evening a truly Christian note came from McCrackan, returning the hasty letter, which he said he was sure the writer would wish to recall. Their friendship began there. For some reason, however, the collaborated volume did not materialize. In the end, publication was delayed a number of years, by which time Clemens's active interest was a good deal modified, though the practice itself never failed to invite his attention.

He was putting together a book on the topic, made up of his various published papers and some additional chapters. It wouldn’t be a large book, and he offered to let his Christian Science opponents contribute their perspective. Mr. William D. McCrackan, one of the church's main supporters, was among those invited to take part. McCrackan and Clemens, who had started as adversaries, had become quite friendly and had discussed their differences face to face at length. Early in the controversy, Clemens wrote McCrackan a pretty harsh letter one night. He left it on the hall table for mailing but later got out of bed and went downstairs to retrieve it. It was too late—the letters had already been collected and sent. The next evening, a genuinely kind note arrived from McCrackan, returning the hasty letter, which he said he was sure the writer would want to take back. That’s where their friendship started. For some reason, though, the collaborative book never came together. Ultimately, publication was delayed for several years, by which time Clemens's active interest had diminished, though the subject itself still managed to catch his attention.

Howells refers to his anti-Christian Science rages, which began with the postponement of the book, and these Clemens vented at the time in another manuscript entitled, “Eddypus,” an imaginary history of a thousand years hence, when Eddyism should rule the world. By that day its founder would have become a deity, and the calendar would be changed to accord with her birth. It was not publishable matter, and really never intended as such. It was just one of the things which Mark Twain wrote to relieve mental pressure.

Howells talks about his frustrations with Christian Science, which started when the book was delayed. Clemens expressed these frustrations in another manuscript called “Eddypus,” a fictional history set a thousand years in the future, when Eddyism would dominate the world. By that time, its founder would have been regarded as a goddess, and the calendar would be adjusted to celebrate her birth. It wasn’t meant to be published and was never intended for that purpose. It was just one of those things Mark Twain wrote to ease his mind.





CCXXVI. “WAS IT HEAVEN? OR HELL?”

The Christmas number of Harper's Magazine for 1902 contained the story, “Was it Heaven? or Hell?” and it immediately brought a flood of letters to its author from grateful readers on both sides of the ocean. An Englishman wrote: “I want to thank you for writing so pathetic and so profoundly true a story”; and an American declared it to be the best short story ever written. Another letter said:

The Christmas issue of Harper's Magazine in 1902 featured the story, “Was it Heaven? or Hell?” and it quickly generated a wave of letters to its author from appreciative readers on both sides of the Atlantic. One English reader wrote: “I want to thank you for writing such a moving and deeply true story”; while an American claimed it was the best short story ever written. Another letter said:

    I have learned to love those maiden liars—love and weep over them
    —then put them beside Dante's Beatrice in Paradise.
    I've come to love those young deceivers—love and cry over them
    —then place them next to Dante's Beatrice in Paradise.

There were plenty of such letters; but there was one of a different sort. It was a letter from a man who had but recently gone through almost precisely the experience narrated in the tale. His dead daughter had even borne the same name—Helen. She had died of typhus while her mother was prostrated with the same malady, and the deception had been maintained in precisely the same way, even to the fictitiously written letters. Clemens replied to this letter, acknowledging the striking nature of the coincidence it related, and added that, had he invented the story, he would have believed it a case of mental telegraphy.

There were many letters like that, but there was one that stood out. It was from a man who had recently gone through nearly the exact experience described in the story. His late daughter had the same name—Helen. She had died of typhus while her mother was also suffering from the same illness, and the cover-up was maintained in exactly the same way, even including the fake letters. Clemens replied to this letter, acknowledging the remarkable coincidence, and added that if he had made up the story, he would have thought it was a case of mental telepathy.

    I was merely telling a true story just as it had been told to me by
    one who well knew the mother and the daughter & all the beautiful &
    pathetic details. I was living in the house where it had happened,
    three years before, & I put it on paper at once while it was fresh
    in my mind, & its pathos still straining at my heartstrings.
    I was just sharing a true story exactly as it was told to me by someone who knew the mother and daughter well, along with all the beautiful and sad details. I was living in the house where it had happened three years earlier, and I wrote it down immediately while it was still fresh in my mind, with its emotional weight still pulling at my heartstrings.

Clemens did not guess that the coincidences were not yet complete, that within a month the drama of the tale would be enacted in his own home. In his note-book, under the date of December 24(1902), he wrote:

Clemens didn’t realize that the coincidences were far from over, and that within a month, the events of the story would unfold in his own home. In his notebook, under the date December 24, 1902, he wrote:

    Jean was hit with a chill: Clara was completing her watch in her
    mother's room and there was no one able to force Jean to go to bed.
    As a result she is pretty ill to-day-fever & high temperature.
    Jean felt a chill: Clara was finishing her watch in her mother's room, and no one was there to make Jean go to bed. Because of this, she is pretty sick today—fever and high temperature.

Three days later he added:

Three days later, he added:

    It was pneumonia. For 5 days jean's temperature ranged between 103
    & 104 2/5, till this morning, when it got down to 101. She looks
    like an escaped survivor of a forest fire. For 6 days now my story
    in the Christmas Harper's “Was it Heaven? or Hell?”—has been
    enacted in this household. Every day Clara & the nurses have lied
    about Jean to her mother, describing the fine times she is having
    outdoors in the winter sports.
    It was pneumonia. For 5 days, Jean's temperature ranged between 103 and 104.4, until this morning when it dropped to 101. She looks like she just escaped from a forest fire. For 6 days now, my story in the Christmas Harper's “Was it Heaven? or Hell?” has been playing out in this house. Every day, Clara and the nurses have been lying to Jean's mom about her, saying how much fun she's having outdoors with winter sports.

That proved a hard, trying winter in the Clemens home, and the burden of it fell chiefly, indeed almost entirely, upon Clara Clemens. Mrs. Clemens became still more frail, and no other member of the family, not even her husband, was allowed to see her for longer than the briefest interval. Yet the patient was all the more anxious to know the news, and daily it had to be prepared—chiefly invented—for her comfort. In an account which Clemens once set down of the “Siege and Season of Unveracity,” as he called it, he said:

That winter was tough and challenging for the Clemens family, and the weight of it primarily, almost entirely, fell on Clara Clemens. Mrs. Clemens became even more fragile, and no one in the family, not even her husband, was allowed to see her for more than the briefest moment. Still, she was eager to hear the news, and every day it had to be made up—mostly fabricated—for her comfort. In a note that Clemens once wrote about the “Siege and Season of Unveracity,” as he referred to it, he said:

    Clara stood a daily watch of three or four hours, and hers was a
    hard office indeed. Daily she sealed up in her heart a dozen
    dangerous truths, and thus saved her mother's life and hope and
    happiness with holy lies. She had never told her mother a lie in
    her life before, and I may almost say that she never told her a
    truth afterward. It was fortunate for us all that Clara's
    reputation for truthfulness was so well established in her mother's
    mind. It was our daily protection from disaster. The mother never
    doubted Clara's word. Clara could tell her large improbabilities
    without exciting any suspicion, whereas if I tried to market even a
    small and simple one the case would have been different. I was
    never able to get a reputation like Clara's. Mrs. Clemens
    questioned Clara every day concerning Jean's health, spirits,
    clothes, employments, and amusements, and how she was enjoying
    herself; and Clara furnished the information right along in minute
    detail—every word of it false, of course. Every day she had to
    tell how Jean dressed, and in time she got so tired of using Jean's
    existing clothes over and over again, and trying to get new effects
    out of them, that finally, as a relief to her hard-worked invention,
    she got to adding imaginary clothes to Jean's wardrobe, and probably
    would have doubled it and trebled it if a warning note in her
    mother's comments had not admonished her that she was spending more
    money on these spectral gowns and things than the family income
    justified.
Clara kept a daily watch for three or four hours, and her role was definitely tough. Every day, she locked away a dozen dangerous truths in her heart, saving her mother's life, hope, and happiness with kind lies. She had never lied to her mother before and, I can almost say, she never told her a truth afterward. It was lucky for all of us that Clara's reputation for honesty was so well established in her mother's eyes. It protected us from disaster daily. Her mother never doubted Clara's word. Clara could share big, unlikely stories without raising any suspicion, while if I tried to deliver even a small and simple one, it would be a different story. I could never build a reputation like Clara's. Mrs. Clemens asked Clara every day about Jean’s health, mood, clothes, activities, and how much fun she was having; and Clara provided detailed information—every bit of it was false, of course. Every day, she had to describe how Jean was dressed, and eventually, she became so tired of recycling Jean's actual clothes and trying to create new looks from them that, as a relief for her overworked imagination, she started adding imaginary outfits to Jean’s wardrobe. She probably would have doubled or tripled it if a warning in her mother’s comments hadn’t reminded her that she was spending more on these phantom dresses and things than the family budget could allow.

Some portions of detailed accounts of Clara's busy days of this period, as written at the time by Clemens to Twichell and to Mrs. Crane, are eminently worth preserving. To Mrs. Crane:

Some parts of the detailed accounts of Clara's busy days during this time, as written by Clemens to Twichell and to Mrs. Crane, are definitely worth keeping. To Mrs. Crane:

    Clara does not go to her Monday lesson in New York today [her mother
    having seemed not so well through the night], but forgets that fact
    and enters her mother's room (where she has no business to be)
    toward train-time dressed in a wrapper.

    LIVY. Why, Clara, aren't you going to your lesson?
    CLARA (almost caught). Yes.
    L. In that costume?
    CL. Oh no.
    L. Well, you can't make your train; it's impossible.
    CL. I know, but I'm going to take the other one.
    L. Indeed that won't do—you'll be ever so much too late for
    your lesson.
    CL. No, the lesson-time has been put an hour later.
    L. (satisfied, then suddenly). But, Clara, that train and the late
    lesson together will make you late to Mrs. Hapgood's luncheon.
    CL. No, the train leaves fifteen minutes earlier than it used to.
    L. (satisfied). Tell Mrs. Hapgood, etc., etc., etc. (which Clara
    promises to do). Clara, dear, after the luncheon—I hate to put
    this on you—but could you do two or three little shopping-errands
    for me?
    CL. Oh, it won't trouble me a bit-I can do it. (Takes a list of
    the things she is to buy-a list which she will presently hand to
    another.)

    At 3 or 4 P.M. Clara takes the things brought from New York,
    studies over her part a little, then goes to her mother's room.

    LIVY. It's very good of you, dear. Of course, if I had known it
    was going to be so snowy and drizzly and sloppy I wouldn't have
    asked you to buy them. Did you get wet?
    CL. Oh, nothing to hurt.
    L. You took a cab both ways?
    CL. Not from the station to the lesson-the weather was good enough
    till that was over.
    L. Well, now, tell me everything Mrs. Hapgood said.

    Clara tells her a long yarn-avoiding novelties and surprises and
    anything likely to inspire questions difficult to answer; and of
    course detailing the menu, for if it had been the feeding of the
    5,000 Livy would have insisted on knowing what kind of bread it was
    and how the fishes were served. By and by, while talking of
    something else:

    LIVY. Clams!—in the end of December. Are you sure it was clams?
    CL. I didn't say cl—-I meant Blue Points.
    L. (tranquilized). It seemed odd. What is Jean doing?
    CL. She said she was going to do a little typewriting.
    L. Has she been out to-day?
    CL. Only a moment, right after luncheon. She was determined to go
    out again, but——
    L. How did you know she was out?
    CL. (saving herself in time). Katie told me. She was determined
    to go out again in the rain and snow, but I persuaded her to stay
    in.
    L. (with moving and grateful admiration). Clara, you are
    wonderful! the wise watch you keep over Jean, and the influence you
    have over her; it's so lovely of you, and I tied here and can't take
    care of her myself. (And she goes on with these undeserved praises
    till Clara is expiring with shame.)
    Clara doesn't go to her Monday lesson in New York today [her mother having seemed unwell through the night], but forgets about it and enters her mother's room (where she shouldn't be) near train time, dressed in a robe.

    LIVY. Why, Clara, aren't you going to your lesson?
    CLARA (almost caught). Yes.
    L. In that outfit?
    CL. Oh no.
    L. Well, you can't catch your train; it's impossible.
    CL. I know, but I'm going to take the other one.
    L. That definitely won't work—you’ll be way too late for your lesson.
    CL. No, they pushed the lesson time an hour later.
    L. (satisfied, then suddenly). But, Clara, that train and the late lesson together will make you late for Mrs. Hapgood's lunch.
    CL. No, the train leaves fifteen minutes earlier than it did before.
    L. (satisfied). Tell Mrs. Hapgood, etc., etc., etc. (which Clara promises to do). Clara, dear, after lunch—I'm sorry to ask this of you—but could you run a few small errands for me?
    CL. Oh, it won't trouble me at all—I can do it. (Takes a list of the things she needs to buy— a list she will soon give to someone else.)

    At 3 or 4 P.M. Clara takes the things brought from New York, reviews her part a little, then goes to her mother's room.

    LIVY. It's very kind of you, dear. Of course, if I had known it was going to be so snowy and drizzly and messy, I wouldn't have asked you to get them. Did you get wet?
    CL. Oh, nothing serious.
    L. You took a cab both ways?
    CL. Not from the station to the lesson—the weather was nice enough until then.
    L. Well, now, tell me everything Mrs. Hapgood said.

    Clara tells her a long story—skipping the novelties and surprises and anything likely to create difficult questions; and of course detailing the menu, because if it had been the feeding of the 5,000, Livy would have insisted on knowing what type of bread it was and how the fish were served. Eventually, while talking about something else:

    LIVY. Clams!—at the end of December. Are you sure it was clams?
    CL. I didn't say clams—I meant Blue Points.
    L. (calmed). That seemed strange. What is Jean doing?
    CL. She said she was going to do some typing.
    L. Has she been out today?
    CL. Only for a moment, right after lunch. She was set on going out again, but—
    L. How did you know she was out?
    CL. (saving herself just in time). Katie told me. She wanted to go out again in the rain and snow, but I convinced her to stay in.
    L. (with moving and grateful admiration). Clara, you are amazing! the wise care you take of Jean, and the influence you have over her; it's so lovely of you, especially since I'm here tied down and can't look after her myself. (And she goes on with these undeserved praises until Clara is squirming with embarrassment.)

To Twichell:

To Twichell:

    I am to see Livy a moment every afternoon until she has another bad
    night; and I stand in dread, for with all my practice I realize that
    in a sudden emergency I am but a poor, clumsy liar, whereas a fine
    alert and capable emergency liar is the only sort that is worth
    anything in a sick-chamber.

    Now, Joe, just see what reputation can do. All Clara's life she has
    told Livy the truth and now the reward comes; Clara lies to her
    three and a half hours every day, and Livy takes it all at par,
    whereas even when I tell her a truth it isn't worth much without
    corroboration....

    Soon my brief visit is due. I've just been up listening at Livy's
    door.

    5 P.M. A great disappointment. I was sitting outside Livy's door
    waiting. Clara came out a minute ago and said L ivy is not so well,
    and the nurse can't let me see her to-day.
    I’m supposed to see Livy for a moment every afternoon until she has another rough night; and I’m filled with anxiety because, despite all my experience, I know that in a sudden crisis, I’m just a bad, awkward liar, whereas a sharp and skilled emergency liar is the only one who really matters in a sick room.

    Now, Joe, just look at what reputation can do. Clara has always told Livy the truth, and now it pays off; Clara lies to her for three and a half hours every day, and Livy believes it all, while even when I tell her a truth, it doesn’t hold much weight unless it’s backed up...

    My short visit is about to begin. I just stood outside Livy’s door listening.

    5 P.M. What a letdown. I was waiting outside Livy’s door. Clara came out a minute ago and said Livy isn’t doing so well, and the nurse can’t let me see her today.

That pathetic drama was to continue in some degree for many a long month. All that winter and spring Mrs. Clemens kept but a frail hold on life. Clemens wrote little, and refused invitations everywhere he could. He spent his time largely in waiting for the two-minute period each day when he could stand at the bed-foot and say a few words to the invalid, and he confined his writing mainly to the comforting, affectionate messages which he was allowed to push under her door. He was always waiting there long before the moment he was permitted to enter. Her illness and her helplessness made manifest what Howells has fittingly characterized as his “beautiful and tender loyalty to her, which was the most moving quality of his most faithful soul.”

That sad situation went on, to some extent, for many months. All that winter and spring, Mrs. Clemens held on to life by a thread. Clemens wrote very little and turned down invitations whenever he could. He mostly spent his time waiting for the brief two-minute period each day when he could stand at the foot of her bed and say a few words to her. He kept his writing focused mainly on the comforting and loving messages he could slide under her door. He was always there long before the moment he was allowed to go in. Her illness and her inability to look after herself highlighted what Howells aptly described as his “beautiful and tender loyalty to her, which was the most moving quality of his most faithful soul.”





CCXXVII. THE SECOND RIVERDALE WINTER

Most of Mark Twain's stories have been dramatized at one time or another, and with more or less success. He had two plays going that winter, one of them the little “Death Disk,” which—in story form had appeared a year before in Harper's Magazine. It was put on at the Carnegie Lyceum with considerable effect, but it was not of sufficient importance to warrant a long continuance.

Most of Mark Twain's stories have been adapted into plays at some point, with varying levels of success. That winter, he had two productions running, one of which was the short play “Death Disk,” which had appeared as a story a year earlier in Harper's Magazine. It was performed at the Carnegie Lyceum with some impact, but it wasn't significant enough to be staged for long.

Another play of that year was a dramatization of Huckleberry Finn, by Lee Arthur. This was played with a good deal of success in Baltimore, Philadelphia, and elsewhere, the receipts ranging from three hundred to twenty-one hundred dollars per night, according to the weather and locality. Why the play was discontinued is not altogether apparent; certainly many a dramatic enterprise has gone further, faring worse.

Another play that year was a stage adaptation of Huckleberry Finn, by Lee Arthur. It was quite successful in Baltimore, Philadelphia, and other cities, with ticket sales ranging from three hundred to twenty-one hundred dollars per night, depending on the weather and location. It's not entirely clear why the play was stopped; many theatrical ventures have continued on despite worse circumstances.

Huck in book form also had been having adventures a little earlier, in being tabooed on account of his morals by certain librarians of Denver and Omaha. It was years since Huck had been in trouble of that sort, and he acquired a good deal of newspaper notoriety in consequence.

Huck, in book form, had also been having adventures a little earlier, facing being banned due to his morals by some librarians in Denver and Omaha. It had been years since Huck had encountered that kind of trouble, and as a result, he gained quite a bit of attention in the newspapers.

Certain entries in Mark Twain's note-book reveal somewhat of his life and thought at this period. We find such entries as this:

Certain entries in Mark Twain's notebook reveal insights into his life and thoughts during this time. We find entries like this:

    Saturday, January 3, 1903. The offspring of riches: Pride, vanity,
    ostentation, arrogance, tyranny.

    Sunday, January 4, 1903. The offspring of poverty: Greed,
    sordidness, envy, hate, malice, cruelty, meanness, lying, shirking,
    cheating, stealing, murder.

    Monday, February 2, 1903. 33d wedding anniversary. I was allowed
    to see Livy 5 minutes this morning in honor of the day. She makes
    but little progress toward recovery, still there is certainly some,
    we are sure.

    Sunday, March 1, 1903. We may not doubt that society in heaven
    consists mainly of undesirable persons.

    Thursday, March 19, 1903. Susy's birthday. She would be 31 now.
    Saturday, January 3, 1903. The products of wealth: Pride, vanity, showiness, arrogance, tyranny.

    Sunday, January 4, 1903. The products of poverty: Greed, filth, envy, hate, malice, cruelty, meanness, dishonesty, negligence, cheating, stealing, murder.

    Monday, February 2, 1903. 33rd wedding anniversary. I was allowed to see Livy for 5 minutes this morning in honor of the day. She is making little progress toward recovery, but there is definitely some, we are sure.

    Sunday, March 1, 1903. We cannot doubt that the society in heaven is mostly made up of undesirables.

    Thursday, March 19, 1903. Susy's birthday. She would be 31 now.

The family illnesses, which presently included an allotment for himself, his old bronchitis, made him rage more than ever at the imperfections of the species which could be subject to such a variety of ills. Once he wrote:

The family illnesses, which now included a spot for himself, his old bronchitis, made him angrier than ever at the flaws of humanity that could be plagued by such a range of ailments. Once he wrote:

    Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
    Man was created at the end of the week's work when God was exhausted.

And again:

And once more:

    Adam, man's benefactor—he gave him all that he has ever received
    that was worth having—death.
Adam, humanity's benefactor—he gave him everything worth having—death.

The Riverdale home was in reality little more than a hospital that spring. Jean had scarcely recovered her physical strength when she was attacked by measles, and Clara also fell a victim to the infection. Fortunately Mrs. Clemens's health had somewhat improved.

The Riverdale home was basically just a hospital that spring. Jean had just barely regained her strength when she came down with measles, and Clara also got infected. Luckily, Mrs. Clemens's health had improved a bit.

It was during this period that Clemens formulated his eclectic therapeutic doctrine. Writing to Twichell April 4, 1903, he said:

It was during this time that Clemens developed his diverse therapeutic approach. Writing to Twichell on April 4, 1903, he said:

    Livy does make a little progress these past 3 or 4 days, progress
    which is visible to even the untrained eye. The physicians are
    doing good work for her, but my notion is, that no art of healing is
    the best for all ills. I should distribute the ailments around:
    surgery cases to the surgeon; lupus to the actinic-ray specialist;
    nervous prostration to the Christian Scientist; most ills to the
    allopath & the homeopath; & (in my own particular case) rheumatism,
    gout, & bronchial attack to the osteopathist.
    Livy has shown some improvement over the past 3 or 4 days, progress noticeable even to the casual observer. The doctors are doing a great job for her, but I believe that no single medical approach works best for every issue. I’d like to distribute the problems differently: surgery cases to the surgeon; lupus to the specialist in actinic rays; nervous exhaustion to the Christian Scientist; most ailments to both the allopath and the homeopath; and (in my particular case) rheumatism, gout, and bronchial issues to the osteopath.

He had plenty of time to think and to read during those weeks of confinement, and to rage, and to write when he felt the need of that expression, though he appears to have completed not much for print beyond his reply to Mrs. Eddy, already mentioned, and his burlesque, “Instructions in Art,” with pictures by himself, published in the Metropolitan for April and May.

He had a lot of time to think and read during those weeks of confinement, and to be angry, and to write whenever he needed to express himself, although it seems he didn’t finish much for publication other than his response to Mrs. Eddy, which was already mentioned, and his parody, “Instructions in Art,” featuring drawings by himself, published in the Metropolitan for April and May.

Howells called his attention to some military outrages in the Philippines, citing a case where a certain lieutenant had tortured one of his men, a mild offender, to death out of pure deviltry, and had been tried but not punished for his fiendish crime.—[The torture to death of Private Edward C. Richter, an American soldier, by orders of a commissioned officer of the United States army on the night of February 7, 1902. Private Richter was bound and gagged and the gag held in his mouth by means of a club while ice-water was slowly poured into his face, a dipper full at a time, for two hours and a half, until life became extinct.]

Howells pointed out some military abuses happening in the Philippines, mentioning a case where a lieutenant had torturously killed one of his men, a minor offender, out of sheer cruelty, and had been tried but not punished for this horrific crime.—[The torture to death of Private Edward C. Richter, an American soldier, by orders of a commissioned officer of the United States Army on the night of February 7, 1902. Private Richter was bound and gagged, with the gag held in his mouth using a club while ice water was slowly poured over his face, one dipper at a time, for two and a half hours, until he lost his life.]

Clemens undertook to give expression to his feelings on this subject, but he boiled so when he touched pen to paper to write of it that it was simply impossible for him to say anything within the bounds of print. Then his only relief was to rise and walk the floor, and curse out his fury at the race that had produced such a specimen.

Clemens tried to express his feelings about this topic, but he got so worked up when he started writing that it was completely impossible for him to say anything suitable for print. His only way to cope was to get up, pace the floor, and vent his anger at the society that had created such a person.

Mrs. Clemens, who perhaps got some drift or the echo of these tempests, now and then sent him a little admonitory, affectionate note.

Mrs. Clemens, who might have picked up on the tension or the remnants of these storms, now and then sent him a little caring note as a gentle reminder.

Among the books that Clemens read, or tried to read, during his confinement were certain of the novels of Sir Walter Scott. He had never been able to admire Scott, and determined now to try to understand this author's popularity and his standing with the critics; but after wading through the first volume of one novel, and beginning another one, he concluded to apply to one who could speak as having authority. He wrote to Brander Matthews:

Among the books Clemens read, or attempted to read, during his time in confinement were some of the novels by Sir Walter Scott. He had never been able to appreciate Scott and decided to try understanding why this author was so popular and well-regarded by critics. However, after slogging through the first volume of one novel and starting another, he decided to consult someone with more authority. He wrote to Brander Matthews:

    DEAR BRANDER,—I haven't been out of my bed for 4 weeks, but-well, I
    have been reading a good deal, & it occurs to me to ask you to sit
    down, some time or other when you have 8 or 9 months to spare, & jot
    me down a certain few literary particulars for my help & elevation.
    Your time need not be thrown away, for at your further leisure you
    can make Columbian lectures out of the results & do your students a
    good turn.

    1. Are there in Sir Walter's novels passages done in good English
    —English which is neither slovenly nor involved?

    2. Are there passages whose English is not poor & thin &
    commonplace, but is of a quality above that?

    3. Are there passages which burn with real fire—not punk, fox-
    fire, make-believe?
    4. Has he heroes & heroines who are not cads and cadesses?

    5. Has he personages whose acts & talk correspond with their
    characters as described by him?

    6. Has he heroes & heroines whom the reader admires—admires and
    knows why?

    7. Has he funny characters that are funny, and humorous passages
    that are humorous?

    8. Does he ever chain the reader's interest & make him reluctant to
    lay the book down?

    9. Are there pages where he ceases from posing, ceases from
    admiring the placid flood & flow of his own dilution, ceases from
    being artificial, & is for a time, long or short, recognizably
    sincere & in earnest?

    10. Did he know how to write English, & didn't do it because he
    didn't want to?

    11. Did he use the right word only when he couldn't think of
    another one, or did he run so much to wrong words because he didn't
    know the right one when he saw it?

    12. Can you read him and keep your respect for him? Of course a
    person could in his day—an era of sentimentality & sloppy
    romantics—but land! can a body do it to-day?

    Brander, I lie here dying; slowly dying, under the blight of Sir
    Walter. I have read the first volume of Rob Roy, & as far as
    Chapter XIX of Guy Mannering, & I can no longer hold my head up or
    take my nourishment. Lord, it's all so juvenile! so artificial, so
    shoddy; & such wax figures & skeletons & specters. Interest? Why,
    it is impossible to feel an interest in these bloodless shams, these
    milk-&-water humbugs. And oh, the poverty of invention! Not
    poverty in inventing situations, but poverty in furnishing reasons
    for them. Sir Walter usually gives himself away when he arranges
    for a situation—elaborates & elaborates & elaborates till, if you
    live to get to it, you don't believe in it when it happens.

    I can't find the rest of Rob Roy, I, can't stand any more Mannering
    —I do not know just what to do, but I will reflect, & not quit this
    great study rashly....

    My, I wish I could see you & Leigh Hunt!

    Sincerely yours,

                                   S. L. CLEMENS.
    DEAR BRANDER,—I haven't gotten out of bed for 4 weeks, but I've been reading quite a bit, and it occurred to me to ask you to sit down sometime in the next 8 or 9 months and jot down some literary insights that could help me and elevate my understanding. Your time won’t be wasted because later on you can turn these into lectures for your students.

    1. Are there any passages in Sir Walter's novels that are written in good English—language that is neither sloppy nor complicated?

    2. Are there areas where the English is not poor and thin and commonplace, but rather of a higher quality?

    3. Are there sections that truly spark with passion—not just fake or superficial fire?

    4. Does he create heroes and heroines who aren’t total scoundrels?

    5. Are there characters whose actions and dialogue match their described personalities?

    6. Are there heroes and heroines that the reader genuinely admires—and understands why?

    7. Does he have funny characters that actually bring humor, and humorous passages that make you laugh?

    8. Does he ever engage the reader’s interest so much that they’re reluctant to put the book down?

    9. Are there parts where he stops pretending, stops admiring the smooth flow of his own watered-down writing, stops being artificial, and is, for a time—whatever length—truly sincere and earnest?

    10. Did he know how to write proper English but chose not to?

    11. Did he only use the right word when he couldn't think of another, or did he often pick the wrong words because he didn’t recognize the right ones?

    12. Can you read his work and still respect him? Of course someone could back in his day—an era filled with sentimentality and sloppy romanticism—but honestly, can anyone do that today?

    Brander, I’m lying here slowly dying under the strain of Sir Walter's writing. I’ve read the first volume of Rob Roy and up to Chapter XIX of Guy Mannering, and I can no longer hold my head up or eat properly. Lord, it’s all so juvenile! So artificial, so cheap; full of wax figures, skeletons, and ghosts. Interest? It’s impossible to feel any interest in these lifeless imitations, these bland pretensions. And oh, the lack of creativity! Not a lack in creating situations, but a lack in providing reasons for them. Sir Walter usually exposes himself when he sets up a situation—he elaborates and elaborates until, if you make it to that point, you can’t even believe it when it finally happens.

    I can’t find the rest of Rob Roy, and I can’t take any more of Mannering—I really don’t know what to do, but I’ll think it over and not make any rash decisions regarding this great study...

    I really wish I could see you and Leigh Hunt!

    Sincerely yours,

                                   S. L. CLEMENS.

But a few days later he experienced a revelation. It came when he perseveringly attacked still a third work of Scott—Quentin Durward. Hastily he wrote to Matthews again:

But a few days later, he had a realization. It happened when he persistently tackled a third work by Scott—Quentin Durward. He quickly wrote to Matthews again:

I'm still in bed, but the days have lost their dullness since I broke into Sir Walter & lost my temper. I finished Guy Mannering that curious, curious book, with its mob of squalid shadows gibbering around a single flesh-&-blood being—Dinmont; a book crazily put together out of the very refuse of the romance artist's stage properties—finished it & took up Quentin Durward & finished that.

I'm still in bed, but the days aren't so boring anymore since I broke into Sir Walter and lost my temper. I finished Guy Mannering, that strange, strange book, with its crowd of ragged shadows mumbling around one real person—Dinmont; a book that’s haphazardly put together from the leftover props of a romance artist—finished it and then started Quentin Durward and finished that too.

It was like leaving the dead to mingle with the living; it was like withdrawing from the infant class in the college of journalism to sit under the lectures in English literature in Columbia University.

It felt like leaving the dead to interact with the living; it was like stepping away from the beginner's class in journalism to attend lectures in English literature at Columbia University.

I wonder who wrote Quentin Durward?—[This letter, enveloped, addressed, and stamped, was evidently mislaid. It was found and mailed seven years later, June, 1910 message from the dead.]

I wonder who wrote Quentin Durward?—[This letter, which was sealed, addressed, and stamped, was clearly lost. It was found and sent out seven years later, in June 1910, as a message from the dead.]

Among other books which he read that winter and spring was Helen Keller's 'The Story of My Life', then recently published. That he finished it in a mood of sweet gentleness we gather from a long, lovely letter which he wrote her—a letter in which he said:

Among other books he read that winter and spring was Helen Keller's 'The Story of My Life', which had just been published. We can tell he finished it feeling a sense of sweet gentleness from a long, beautiful letter he wrote to her—a letter in which he said:

I am charmed with your book—enchanted. You are a wonderful creature, the most wonderful in the world—you and your other half together—Miss Sullivan, I mean—for it took the pair of you to make a complete & perfect whole. How she stands out in her letters! her brilliancy, penetration, originality, wisdom, character, & the fine literary competencies of her pen—they are all there.

I am captivated by your book—totally enchanted. You are an amazing person, the most incredible in the world—you and your partner together—Miss Sullivan, I mean—because it took both of you to create a complete and perfect whole. She really shines in her letters! Her brilliance, insight, originality, wisdom, character, and the impressive writing skills she possesses—they're all there.

When reading and writing failed as diversion, Mark Twain often turned to mathematics. With no special talent for accuracy in the matter of figures, he had a curious fondness for calculations, scientific and financial, and he used to cover pages, ciphering at one thing and another, arriving pretty inevitably at the wrong results. When the problem was financial, and had to do with his own fortunes, his figures were as likely as not to leave him in a state of panic. The expenditures were naturally heavy that spring; and one night, when he had nothing better to do, he figured the relative proportion to his income. The result showed that they were headed straight for financial ruin. He put in the rest of the night fearfully rolling and tossing, and reconstructing his figures that grew always worse, and next morning summoned Jean and Clara and petrified them with the announcement that the cost of living was one hundred and twenty-five per cent. more than the money-supply.

When reading and writing stopped being a distraction, Mark Twain often turned to math. While he didn’t have a particular talent for being accurate with numbers, he had a strange passion for doing calculations, whether scientific or financial. He would fill pages with calculations, hopping from one thing to another, and often ended up with the wrong results. When the problem involved money and his own finances, his calculations were likely to leave him feeling panicked. That spring, his expenses were pretty high, and one night, with nothing better to do, he calculated how they compared to his income. The result indicated they were on a path straight to financial disaster. He spent the rest of the night anxiously tossing and turning, reworking his figures that only seemed to get worse. The next morning, he called Jean and Clara and shocked them with the news that the cost of living was one hundred and twenty-five percent higher than his income.

Writing to MacAlister three days later he said:

Writing to MacAlister three days later, he said:

    It was a mistake. When I came down in the morning, a gray and aged
    wreck, I found that in some unaccountable way (unaccountable to a
    business man, but not to me) I had multiplied the totals by two. By
    God, I dropped seventy-five years on the floor where I stood!

    Do you know it affected me as one is affected when one wakes out of
    a hideous dream & finds it was only a dream. It was a great comfort
    & satisfaction to me to call the daughters to a private meeting of
    the board again. Certainly there is a blistering & awful reality
    about a well-arranged unreality. It is quite within the
    possibilities that two or three nights like that of mine would drive
    a man to suicide. He would refuse to examine the figures, they
    would revolt him so, & he would go to his death unaware that there
    was nothing serious about them. I cannot get that night out of my
    head, it was so vivid, so real, so ghastly: In any other year of
    these thirty-three the relief would have been simple: go where you
    can, cut your cloth to fit your income. You can't do that when your
    wife can't be moved, even from one room to the next.

    The doctor & a specialist met in conspiracy five days ago, & in
    their belief she will by and by come out of this as good as new,
    substantially. They ordered her to Italy for next winter—which
    seems to indicate that by autumn she will be able to undertake the
    voyage. So Clara is writing to a Florence friend to take a look
    around among the villas for us in the regions near that city.
It was a mistake. When I came down in the morning, feeling like a worn-out wreck, I found that somehow (unexplainable to a businessman, but not to me) I had doubled the totals. By God, I dropped seventy-five years right there on the floor!

You know, it affected me like waking up from a terrible nightmare and realizing it was just a dream. It was such a relief and satisfaction to gather the daughters for another private board meeting. There's a harsh and awful reality about a well-structured illusion. It's quite possible that a couple of nights like mine could push someone to suicide. They would refuse to look at the figures because they would disgust them so much, leading them to their death without realizing there was nothing really wrong with them. I can’t shake that night from my mind; it was so vivid, so real, so terrifying. In any other year of these thirty-three, the solution would have been simple: just adjust your lifestyle to fit your income. But you can't do that when your wife can’t be moved even from one room to another.

The doctor and a specialist met in secret five days ago, and they believe she will eventually recover fully. They suggested we take her to Italy next winter—which seems to mean that by autumn she’ll be able to handle the trip. So Clara is writing to a friend in Florence to look around for villas near the city for us.




CCXXVIII. PROFFERED HONORS

Mark Twain had been at home well on toward three years; but his popularity showed no signs of diminishing. So far from having waned, it had surged to a higher point than ever before. His crusade against public and private abuses had stirred readers, and had set them to thinking; the news of illness in his household; a report that he was contemplating another residence abroad—these things moved deeply the public heart, and a tide of letters flowed in, letters of every sort—of sympathy, of love, or hearty endorsement, whatever his attitude of reform.

Mark Twain had been home for nearly three years, but his popularity showed no signs of fading. In fact, it had surged to an all-time high. His fight against public and private wrongs had engaged readers and got them thinking; news of illness in his family and rumors that he was considering living abroad again touched the public deeply, leading to a flood of letters—letters of sympathy, love, and strong support, regardless of his stance on reform.

When a writer in a New York newspaper said, “Let us go outside the realm of practical politics next time in choosing our candidates for the Presidency,” and asked, “Who is our ablest and most conspicuous private citizen?” another editorial writer, Joseph Hollister, replied that Mark Twain was “the greatest man of his day in private life, and entitled to the fullest measure of recognition.”

When a writer for a New York newspaper said, “Let’s move beyond practical politics next time we choose our candidates for the Presidency,” and asked, “Who is our smartest and most prominent private citizen?” another editorial writer, Joseph Hollister, responded that Mark Twain was “the greatest man of his time in private life, and deserving of the highest recognition.”

But Clemens was without political ambitions. He knew the way of such things too well. When Hollister sent him the editorial he replied only with a word of thanks, and did not, even in jest, encourage that tiny seed of a Presidential boom. One would like to publish many of the beautiful letters received during this period, for they are beautiful, most of them, however illiterate in form, however discouraging in length—beautiful in that they overflow with the writers' sincerity and gratitude.

But Clemens had no political ambitions. He understood that world too well. When Hollister sent him the editorial, he only replied with a simple thank you and didn’t, even jokingly, nurture that little spark of a Presidential campaign. It would be great to publish many of the wonderful letters received during this time because they truly are beautiful, most of them, regardless of how poorly written or lengthy they are—beautiful in that they are filled with the writers' sincerity and gratitude.

So many of them came from children, usually without the hope of a reply, some signed only with initials, that the writers might not be open to the suspicion of being seekers for his autograph. Almost more than any other reward, Mark Twain valued this love of the children.

So many of them came from kids, usually without expecting a response, some signed only with initials so the writers wouldn’t be seen as looking for his autograph. Mark Twain valued this affection from children even more than almost any other reward.

A department in the St. Nicholas Magazine offered a prize for a caricature drawing of some well-known man. There were one or two of certain prominent politicians and capitalists, and there was literally a wheelbarrow load of Mark Twain. When he was informed of this he wrote: “No tribute could have pleased me more than that—the friendship of the children.”

A section in St. Nicholas Magazine had a contest for a caricature of a famous person. There were a couple of well-known politicians and business leaders, but there was literally a wheelbarrow full of Mark Twain. When he heard about this, he wrote: “Nothing could have made me happier than that—the friendship of the children.”

Tributes came to him in many forms. In his native State it was proposed to form a Mark Twain Association, with headquarters at Hannibal, with the immediate purpose of having a week set apart at the St. Louis World's Fair, to be called the Mark Twain week, with a special Mark Twain day, on which a national literary convention would be held. But when his consent was asked, and his co-operation invited, he wrote characteristically:

Tributes came to him in many forms. In his home state, there was a proposal to create a Mark Twain Association, based in Hannibal, with the goal of having a week dedicated to him at the St. Louis World's Fair. This would be called Mark Twain Week, featuring a special Mark Twain Day, during which a national literary convention would take place. However, when they sought his approval and invited him to participate, he wrote back in his usual style:

It is indeed a high compliment which you offer me, in naming an association after me and in proposing the setting apart of a Mark Twain day at the great St. Louis Fair, but such compliments are not proper for the living; they are proper and safe for the dead only. I value the impulse which moves you to tender me these honors. I value it as highly as any one can, and am grateful for it, but I should stand in a sort of terror of the honors themselves. So long as we remain alive we are not safe from doing things which, however righteously and honorably intended, can wreck our repute and extinguish our friendships.

It's definitely a huge compliment that you're naming an association after me and suggesting a Mark Twain day at the big St. Louis Fair. However, such honors are more appropriate for the dead than for the living. I truly appreciate the thought behind these gestures and I'm grateful for them, but I can’t help but feel a bit anxious about the honors themselves. While we're still alive, we’re at risk of making choices that, no matter how good our intentions, can damage our reputation and ruin our friendships.

I hope that no society will be named for me while I am still alive, for I might at some time or other do something which would cause its members to regret having done me that honor. After I shall have joined the dead I shall follow the custom of those people, and be guilty of no conduct that can wound any friend; but until that time shall come I shall be a doubtful quantity, like the rest of our race.

I hope that no society gets named after me while I'm still alive, because I might do something at some point that would make its members regret giving me that honor. Once I'm gone, I'll follow the tradition of those who have passed and won’t do anything that could hurt any of my friends; but until that time comes, I’ll be just as unpredictable as everyone else.

The committee, still hoping for his consent, again appealed to him. But again he wrote:

The committee, still hoping for his approval, reached out to him once more. But again he wrote:

While I am deeply touched by the desire of my friends of Hannibal to confer these great honors upon me I must still forbear to accept them. Spontaneous and unpremeditated honors, like those which came to me at Hannibal, Columbia, St. Louis, and at the village stations all down the line, are beyond all price and are a treasure for life in the memory, for they are a free gift out of the heart and they come without solicitation; but I am a Missourian, and so I shrink from distinctions which have to be arranged beforehand and with my privity, for I then become a party to my own exalting. I am humanly fond of honors that happen, but chary of those that come by canvass and intention.

While I’m truly honored by my friends in Hannibal wanting to give me these great honors, I must respectfully decline. Unplanned and spontaneous honors, like those I received in Hannibal, Columbia, St. Louis, and at the small stations along the way, are priceless and create lasting memories because they come freely from the heart and without any prompting. However, being from Missouri, I feel uneasy about distinctions that have to be arranged in advance and with my knowledge, as that makes me complicit in elevating myself. I naturally appreciate honors that happen unexpectedly, but I’m hesitant about those that are sought out intentionally.

Somewhat later he suggested a different feature for the fair; one that was not practical, perhaps, but which certainly would have aroused interest—that is to say, an old-fashioned six-day steamboat-race from New Orleans to St. Louis, with the old-fashioned accessories, such as torch-baskets, forecastle crowds of negro singers, with a negro on the safety-valve. In his letter to President Francis he said:

Some time later, he proposed a different idea for the fair; one that might not be practical, but would definitely grab attention—specifically, an old-fashioned six-day steamboat race from New Orleans to St. Louis, complete with classic features like torch baskets, crowds of Black singers on the forecastle, and a Black person manning the safety valve. In his letter to President Francis, he said:

As to particulars, I think that the race should be a genuine reproduction of the old-time race, not just an imitation of it, and that it should cover the whole course. I think the boats should begin the trip at New Orleans, and side by side (not an interval between), and end it at North St. Louis, a mile or two above the Big Mound.

As for the details, I believe that the race should be a true reproduction of the classic race, not merely a copy, and that it should cover the entire course. I think the boats should start the journey in New Orleans, lined up side by side (with no gap between them), and finish at North St. Louis, a mile or two past the Big Mound.

In a subsequent letter to Governor Francis he wrote:

In a later letter to Governor Francis, he wrote:

It has been a dear wish of mine to exhibit myself at the great Fair & get a prize, but circumstances beyond my control have interfered....

It has been a long-held dream of mine to showcase myself at the big fair and win a prize, but circumstances beyond my control have gotten in the way...

I suppose you will get a prize, because you have created the most prodigious Fair the planet has ever seen. Very well, you have indeed earned it, and with it the gratitude of the State and the nation.

I guess you’re going to win an award because you’ve put together the most amazing Fair the world has ever seen. You truly deserve it, and along with it, you have the appreciation of the government and the country.

Newspaper men used every inducement to get interviews from him. They invited him to name a price for any time he could give them, long or short. One reporter offered him five hundred dollars for a two-hour talk. Another proposed to pay him one hundred dollars a week for a quarter of a day each week, allowing him to discuss any subject he pleased. One wrote asking him two questions: the first, “Your favorite method of escaping from Indians”; the second, “Your favorite method of escaping capture by the Indians when they were in pursuit of you.” They inquired as to his favorite copy-book maxim; as to what he considered most important to a young man's success; his definition of a gentleman. They wished to know his plan for the settlement of labor troubles. But they did not awaken his interest, or his cupidity. To one applicant he wrote:

Newspaper reporters tried everything to get interviews with him. They asked him to set a price for any time he could spare, whether it was long or short. One reporter offered him five hundred dollars for a two-hour conversation. Another suggested paying him one hundred dollars a week for a few hours each week, letting him talk about any topic he wanted. One reporter wrote to ask him two questions: first, “What’s your favorite way to escape from Indians?” and second, “What’s your favorite way to avoid capture by Indians when they were chasing you?” They also asked for his favorite saying from school, what he thought was most important for a young man's success, and how he defined a gentleman. They wanted to know his thoughts on solving labor disputes. But none of this sparked his interest or greed. He responded to one applicant:

No, there are temptations against which we are fire-proof. Your proposition is one which comes to me with considerable frequency, but it never tempts me. The price isn't the objection; you offer plenty. It is the nature of the work that is the objection—a kind of work which I could not do well enough to satisfy me. To multiply the price by twenty would not enable me to do the work to my satisfaction, & by consequence would make no impression upon me.

No, there are temptations that I’m immune to. Your suggestion comes my way quite often, but it never entices me. The amount isn’t the issue; you offer more than enough. It’s the nature of the work that bothers me—it's a type of work I couldn’t do well enough to be okay with. Even if you multiplied the price by twenty, it wouldn’t help me meet my own standards, and so it wouldn’t affect me at all.

Once he allowed himself to be interviewed for the Herald, when from Mr. Rogers's yacht he had watched Sir Thomas Lipton's Shamrock go down to defeat; but this was a subject which appealed to him—a kind of hotweather subject—and he could be as light-minded about it as he chose.

Once he agreed to be interviewed for the Herald, while from Mr. Rogers's yacht he had watched Sir Thomas Lipton's Shamrock lose; but this was a topic that interested him—a sort of summer topic—and he could be as carefree about it as he wanted.





CCXXXIX. THE LAST SUMMER AT ELMIRA

The Clemenses were preparing to take up residence in Florence, Italy. The Hartford house had been sold in May, ending forever the association with the city that had so long been a part of their lives. The Tarrytown place, which they had never occupied, they also agreed to sell, for it was the belief now that Mrs. Clemens's health would never greatly prosper there. Howells says, or at least implies, that they expected their removal to Florence to be final. He tells us, too, of one sunny afternoon when he and Clemens sat on the grass before the mansion at Riverdale, after Mrs. Clemens had somewhat improved, and how they “looked up toward a balcony where by and by that lovely presence made itself visible, as if it had stooped there from a cloud. A hand frailly waved a handkerchief; Clemens ran over the lawn toward it, calling tenderly.” It was a greeting to Howells the last he would ever receive from her.

The Clemenses were getting ready to move to Florence, Italy. They sold their house in Hartford in May, ending a long connection with a city that had been a significant part of their lives. They also decided to sell the Tarrytown place, which they had never lived in, because they believed that Mrs. Clemens's health wouldn’t improve there. Howells suggests that they thought their move to Florence would be permanent. He recounts a sunny afternoon when he and Clemens sat on the grass in front of the mansion at Riverdale, after Mrs. Clemens had shown some improvement, and how they “looked up toward a balcony where, after a while, that lovely presence became visible, as if it had descended from a cloud. A frail hand waved a handkerchief; Clemens hurried across the lawn toward it, calling out affectionately.” It was a farewell greeting to Howells, the last one he would ever receive from her.

Mrs. Clemens was able to make a trip to Elmira by the end of June, and on the 1st of July Mr. Rogers brought Clemens and his wife down the river on his yacht to the Lackawanna pier, and they reached Quarry Farm that evening. She improved in the quietude and restfulness of that beloved place. Three weeks later Clemens wrote to Twichell:

Mrs. Clemens was able to take a trip to Elmira by the end of June, and on July 1st, Mr. Rogers brought Clemens and his wife down the river on his yacht to the Lackawanna pier, and they arrived at Quarry Farm that evening. She got better in the calm and peacefulness of that cherished place. Three weeks later, Clemens wrote to Twichell:

Livy is coming along: eats well, sleeps some, is mostly very gay, not very often depressed; spends all day on the porch, sleeps there a part of the night; makes excursions in carriage & in wheel-chair; &, in the matter of superintending everything & everybody, has resumed business at the old stand.

Livy is doing well: she eats well, sleeps a bit, is mostly very cheerful, and not often down; she spends all day on the porch, sleeps there part of the night; goes for rides in a carriage and in a wheelchair; and, when it comes to supervising everything and everyone, has gotten back to business as usual.

During three peaceful months she spent most of her days reclining on the wide veranda, surrounded by those dearest to her, and looking out on the dreamlike landscape—the long, grassy slope, the drowsy city, and the distant hills—getting strength for the far journey by sea. Clemens did some writing, occupying the old octagonal study—shut in now and overgrown with vines—where during the thirty years since it was built so many of his stories had been written. 'A Dog's Tale'—that pathetic anti-vivisection story—appears to have been the last manuscript ever completed in the spot consecrated by Huck and Tom, and by Tom Canty the Pauper and the little wandering Prince.

For three peaceful months, she spent most of her days lounging on the wide porch, surrounded by her loved ones, gazing at the dreamlike landscape—the long, grassy slope, the sleepy city, and the distant hills—gaining strength for the upcoming sea journey. Clemens did some writing in the old octagonal study—now closed off and covered in vines—where so many of his stories had been written over the thirty years since it was built. 'A Dog's Tale'—that moving anti-vivisection story—seems to have been the last manuscript ever finished in the place cherished by Huck and Tom, as well as Tom Canty the Pauper and the little wandering Prince.

It was October 5th when they left Elmira. Two days earlier Clemens had written in his note-book:

It was October 5th when they left Elmira. Two days earlier, Clemens had written in his notebook:

    Today I placed flowers on Susy's grave—for the last time probably
    —& read words:

       “Good-night, dear heart, good-night.”
 
    Today I put flowers on Susy's grave—for probably the last time—and read these words:

       “Good-night, dear heart, good-night.”

They did not return to Riverdale, but went to the Hotel Grosvenor for the intervening weeks. They had engaged passage for Italy on the Princess Irene, which would sail on the 24th. It was during the period of their waiting that Clemens concluded his final Harper contract. On that day, in his note-book, he wrote:

They didn’t go back to Riverdale but stayed at the Hotel Grosvenor for the next few weeks. They had booked a trip to Italy on the Princess Irene, which would leave on the 24th. During their waiting period, Clemens finalized his last contract with Harper. On that day, he wrote in his notebook:

                      THE PROPHECY
THE PROPHECY

In 1895 Cheiro the palmist examined my hand & said that in my 68th year (1903) I would become suddenly rich. I was a bankrupt & $94,000 in debt at the time through the failure of Charles L. Webster & Co. Two years later—in London—Cheiro repeated this long-distance prediction, & added that the riches would come from a quite unexpected source. I am superstitious. I kept the prediction in mind & often thought of it. When at last it came true, October 22, 1903, there was but a month & 9 days to spare.

In 1895, Cheiro the palmist looked at my palm and said that in my 68th year (1903) I would suddenly become wealthy. At that time, I was bankrupt and $94,000 in debt because of the failure of Charles L. Webster & Co. Two years later, in London, Cheiro repeated this distant prediction and added that the wealth would come from an unexpected source. I'm a bit superstitious, so I kept the prediction in mind and thought about it often. When it finally came true on October 22, 1903, there were only a month and 9 days left.

The contract signed that day concentrates all my books in Harper's hands & now at last they are valuable; in fact they are a fortune. They guarantee me $25,000 a year for 5 years, and they will yield twice as much as that.—[In earlier note-books and letters Clemens more than once refers to this prophecy and wonders if it is to be realized. The Harper contract, which brought all of his books into the hands of one publisher (negotiated for him by Mr. Rogers), proved, in fact, a fortune. The books yielded always more than the guarantee; sometimes twice that amount, as he had foreseen.]

The contract signed that day puts all my books under Harper's control, and now they’re finally valuable; in fact, they’re worth a fortune. They guarantee me $25,000 a year for 5 years, and they'll make twice that much. —[In earlier notebooks and letters, Clemens has mentioned this prediction more than once and wonders if it will come true. The Harper contract, which brought all of his books to one publisher (negotiated for him by Mr. Rogers), turned out to be a fortune. The books consistently earned more than the guarantee; sometimes even double that amount, as he had predicted.]

During the conclusion of this contract Clemens made frequent visits to Fairhaven on the Kanawha. Joe Goodman came from the Pacific to pay him a good-by visit during this period. Goodman had translated the Mayan inscriptions, and his work had received official recognition and publication by the British Museum. It was a fine achievement for a man in later life and Clemens admired it immensely. Goodman and Clemens enjoyed each other in the old way at quiet resorts where they could talk over the old tales. Another visitor of that summer was the son of an old friend, a Hannibal printer named Daulton. Young Daulton came with manuscripts seeking a hearing of the magazine editors, so Clemens wrote a letter which would insure that favor: INTRODUCING MR. GEO. DAULTON:

During the end of this contract, Clemens frequently visited Fairhaven on the Kanawha. Joe Goodman came from the Pacific to say goodbye during this time. Goodman had translated the Mayan inscriptions, and his work had received official recognition and been published by the British Museum. It was an impressive achievement for someone later in life, and Clemens admired it greatly. Goodman and Clemens enjoyed each other's company in the usual way at quiet spots where they could reminisce about old stories. Another visitor that summer was the son of an old friend, a printer from Hannibal named Daulton. Young Daulton brought manuscripts and was looking to get the attention of magazine editors, so Clemens wrote a letter to help him out: INTRODUCING MR. GEO. DAULTON:

TO GILDER, ALDEN, HARVEY, McCLURE, WALKER, PAGE, BOK, COLLIER, and such other members of the sacred guild as privilege me to call them friends-these:

TO GILDER, ALDEN, HARVEY, McCLURE, WALKER, PAGE, BOK, COLLIER, and other members of the esteemed community who allow me to call them friends—these:

Although I have no personal knowledge of the bearer of this, I have what is better: He comes recommended to me by his own father—a thing not likely to happen in any of your families, I reckon. I ask you, as a favor to me, to waive prejudice & superstition for this once & examine his work with an eye to its literary merit, instead of to the chastity of its spelling. I wish to God you cared less for that particular.

Although I don't know the person who presented this, I have something even better: his own father recommends him—which is probably not something you find in any of your families, I imagine. As a favor to me, I ask you to set aside your biases and superstitions this once and look at his work for its literary value rather than focusing on the accuracy of the spelling. I really wish you cared less about that.

I set (or sat) type alongside of his father, in Hannibal, more than 50 years ago, when none but the pure in heart were in that business. A true man he was; and if I can be of any service to his son—and to you at the same time, let me hope—I am here heartily to try.

I set type next to his father in Hannibal over 50 years ago, when only the sincere were in that business. He was a genuine man, and if I can help his son—and you at the same time, I hope—I’m here and ready to try.

Yours by the sanctions of time & deserving,

Yours by the constraints of time and merit,

              Sincerely,
                            S. L. CLEMENS.
Best,  
                            S. L. CLEMENS.

Among the kindly words which came to Mark Twain before leaving America was this one which Rudyard Kipling had written to his publisher, Frank Doubleday:

Among the kind words that reached Mark Twain before he left America was this one written by Rudyard Kipling to his publisher, Frank Doubleday:

    I love to think of the great and godlike Clemens. He is the biggest
    man you have on your side of the water by a damn sight, and don't
    you forget it. Cervantes was a relation of his.
    I love to think of the great and godlike Clemens. He is by far the biggest man you have on your side of the water, so don't forget it. Cervantes was a relative of his.

It curiously happened that Clemens at the same moment was writing to Doubleday about Kipling:

It just so happened that Clemens was writing to Doubleday about Kipling at the same time:

    I have been reading “The Bell Buoy” and “The Old Man” over and over
    again-my custom with Kipling's work—and saving up the rest for
    other leisurely and luxurious meals. A bell-buoy is a deeply
    impressive fellow-being. In these many recent trips up and down the
    Sound in the Kanawha he has talked to me nightly sometimes in his
    pathetic and melancholy way, sometimes with his strenuous and urgent
    note, and I got his meaning—now I have his words! No one but
    Kipling could do this strong and vivid thing. Some day I hope to
    hear the poem chanted or sung-with the bell-buoy breaking in out of
    the distance.

    P. S.—Your letter has arrived. It makes me proud and glad—what
    Kipling says. I hope Fate will fetch him to Florence while we are
    there. I would rather see him than any other man.
I’ve been reading “The Bell Buoy” and “The Old Man” over and over again—just like I always do with Kipling's work—and saving the rest for other relaxing and enjoyable moments. A bell-buoy is a really impressive character. On my recent trips back and forth on the Sound in the Kanawha, he’s spoken to me every night, sometimes in a sad and melancholic way, other times with a strong and urgent tone, and I understand his meaning—now I have his words! No one but Kipling could create something so powerful and vivid. Someday, I hope to hear the poem chanted or sung, with the bell-buoy echoing from the distance.

P. S.—Your letter has arrived. It makes me proud and happy—what Kipling says. I hope Fate will bring him to Florence while we’re there. I’d rather see him than anyone else.




CCXXX. THE RETURN TO FLORENCE

From the note-book:

    Saturday, October 24, 1903. Sailed in the Princess Irene for Genoa
    at 11. Flowers & fruit from Mrs. Rogers & Mrs. Coe. We have with
    us Katie Leary (in our domestic service 23 years) & Miss Margaret
    Sherry (trained nurse).
    Saturday, October 24, 1903. We set sail on the Princess Irene for Genoa at 11. Received flowers and fruit from Mrs. Rogers and Mrs. Coe. Joining us are Katie Leary (with us for 23 years) and Miss Margaret Sherry (a trained nurse).

Two days later he wrote:

Two days later, he wrote:

    Heavy storm all night. Only 3 stewardesses. Ours served 60 meals
    in rooms this morning.
    A severe storm lasted all night. There were only 3 flight attendants. Our attendant served 60 meals in rooms this morning.

On the 27th:

On the 27th:

    Livy is enduring the voyage marvelously well. As well as Clara &
    Jean, I think, & far better than the trained nurse.

    She has been out on deck an hour.

    November 2. Due at Gibraltar 10 days from New York. 3 days to
    Naples, then 2 day to Genoa.
    At supper the band played “Cavalleria Rusticana,” which is forever
    associated in my mind with Susy. I love it better than any other,
    but it breaks my heart.
    Livy is handling the journey incredibly well. Just as well as Clara & Jean, I think, and way better than the hired nurse.

    She’s been out on deck for an hour.

    November 2. Expected to arrive in Gibraltar 10 days from New York. 3 days to Naples, then 2 days to Genoa. At dinner, the band played “Cavalleria Rusticana,” which will always remind me of Susy. I love it more than anything else, but it breaks my heart.

It was the “Intermezzo” he referred to, which had been Susy's favorite music, and whenever he heard it he remembered always one particular opera-night long ago, and Susy's face rose before him.

It was the “Intermezzo” he was talking about, which had been Susy's favorite music, and every time he heard it, he always remembered one specific opera night from long ago, and Susy's face would come to mind.

They were in Naples on the 5th; thence to Genoa, and to Florence, where presently they were installed in the Villa Reale di Quarto, a fine old Italian palace built by Cosimo more than four centuries ago. In later times it has been occupied and altered by royal families of Wurtemberg and Russia. Now it was the property of the Countess Massiglia, from whom Clemens had leased it.

They were in Naples on the 5th; then to Genoa, and to Florence, where they soon settled into the Villa Reale di Quarto, a beautiful old Italian palace built by Cosimo over four centuries ago. Over time, it had been occupied and modified by royal families from Wurtemberg and Russia. Now it belonged to Countess Massiglia, from whom Clemens had rented it.

They had hoped to secure the Villa Papiniano, under Fiesole, near Professor Fiske, but negotiations for it had fallen through. The Villa Quarto, as it is usually called, was a more pretentious place and as beautifully located, standing as it does in an ancient garden looking out over Florence toward Vallombrosa and the Chianti hills. Yet now in the retrospect, it seems hardly to have been the retreat for an invalid. Its garden was supernaturally beautiful, all that one expects that a garden of Italy should be—such a garden as Maxfield Parrish might dream; but its beauty was that which comes of antiquity—the accumulation of dead years. Its funereal cypresses, its crumbling walls and arches, its clinging ivy and moldering marbles, and a clock that long ago forgot the hours, gave it a mortuary look. In a way it suggested Arnold Bocklin's “Todteninsel,” and it might well have served as the allegorical setting for a gateway to the bourne of silence.

They had hoped to secure the Villa Papiniano, under Fiesole, near Professor Fiske, but negotiations for it had fallen through. The Villa Quarto, as it is usually called, was a more impressive place and just as beautifully situated, standing in an ancient garden that overlooks Florence toward Vallombrosa and the Chianti hills. Yet looking back, it hardly seems like a retreat for someone unwell. Its garden was incredibly beautiful, exactly what one expects from an Italian garden—like something Maxfield Parrish might imagine; but its beauty came from its age—the weight of many years. Its somber cypresses, crumbling walls and arches, clinging ivy, and decaying marbles, along with a clock that long ago lost track of time, gave it a gloomy appearance. In a way, it reminded one of Arnold Bocklin's “Todteninsel,” and it could easily have been the symbolic backdrop for a gateway to a place of silence.

The house itself, one of the most picturesque of the old Florentine suburban palaces, was historically interesting, rather than cheerful. The rooms, in number more than sixty, though richly furnished, were vast and barnlike, and there were numbers of them wholly unused and never entered. There was a dearth of the modern improvements which Americans have learned to regard as a necessity, and the plumbing, such as it was, was not always in order. The place was approached by narrow streets, along which the more uninviting aspects of Italy were not infrequent. Youth and health and romance might easily have reveled in the place; but it seems now not to have been the best choice for that frail invalid, to whom cheer and brightness and freshness and the lovelier things of hope meant always so much.—[Villa Quarto has recently been purchased by Signor P. de Ritter Lahony, and thoroughly restored and refreshed and beautified without the sacrifice of any of its romantic features.]—Neither was the climate of Florence all that they had hoped for. Their former sunny winter had misled them. Tradition to the contrary, Italy—or at least Tuscany—is not one perpetual dream of sunlight. It is apt to be damp and cloudy; it is likely to be cold. Writing to MacAlister, Clemens said:

The house itself, one of the most picturesque old suburban palaces in Florence, was interesting historically rather than cheerful. The rooms, more than sixty in total, while richly furnished, were huge and felt empty, with many never even entered. There was a lack of the modern conveniences that Americans consider essential, and the plumbing, such as it was, wasn't always reliable. The approach was through narrow streets that often showcased the less appealing side of Italy. Youth, health, and romance could have thrived in this setting; however, it didn’t seem ideal for that delicate invalid, for whom cheer, brightness, freshness, and the beautiful things of hope were always so important.—[Villa Quarto has recently been bought by Signor P. de Ritter Lahony, who has completely restored, refreshed, and beautified it without losing any of its romantic features.]—Nor was the climate in Florence what they had expected. Their previous sunny winter had misled them. Contrary to popular belief, Italy—or at least Tuscany—is not just a never-ending dream of sunlight. It can be damp and gloomy; it may even be cold. Writing to MacAlister, Clemens said:

Florentine sunshine? Bless you, there isn't any. We have heavy fogs every morning & rain all day. This house is not merely large, it is vast—therefore I think it must always lack the home feeling.

Florentine sunshine? No way, it doesn’t exist. We have thick fog every morning and rain all day. This house isn’t just large, it’s enormous—so I think it will always feel lacking in that cozy home vibe.

His dissatisfaction in it began thus early, and it grew as one thing after another went wrong. With it all, however, Mrs. Clemens seemed to gain a little, and was glad to see company—a reasonable amount of company—to brighten her surroundings.

His dissatisfaction with it started early, and it grew as one thing after another went wrong. Despite everything, though, Mrs. Clemens seemed to gain a little and was happy to see guests—a reasonable number of guests—to brighten her surroundings.

Clemens began to work and wrote a story or two, and those lively articles about the Italian language.

Clemens started writing and produced a story or two, along with those engaging articles about the Italian language.

To Twichell he reported progress:

He reported progress to Twichell:

    I have a handsome success in one way here. I left New York under a
    sort of half-promise to furnish to the Harper magazines 30,000 words
    this year. Magazining is difficult work because every third page
    represents two pages that you have put in the fire (you are nearly
    sure to start wrong twice), & so when you have finished an article &
    are willing to let it go to print it represents only 10 cents a word
    instead of 30.

    But this time I had the curious (& unprecedented) luck to start
    right in each case. I turned out 37,000 words in 25 working days; &
    the reason I think I started right every time is, that not only have
    I approved and accepted the several articles, but the court of last
    resort (Livy) has done the same.

    On many of the between-days I did some work, but only of an idle &
    not necessarily necessary sort, since it will not see print until I
    am dead. I shall continue this (an hour per day), but the rest of
    the year I expect to put in on a couple of long books (half-
    completed ones). No more magazine work hanging over my head.

    This secluded & silent solitude, this clean, soft air, & this
    enchanting view of Florence, the great valley & snow-mountains that
    frame it, are the right conditions for work. They are a persistent
    inspiration. To-day is very lovely; when the afternoon arrives
    there will be a new picture every hour till dark, & each of them
    divine—or progressing from divine to diviner & divinest. On this
    (second) floor Clara's room commands the finest; she keeps a window
    ten feet high wide open all the time & frames it in that. I go in
    from time to time every day & trade sass for a look. The central
    detail is a distant & stately snow-hump that rises above & behind
    black-forested hills, & its sloping vast buttresses, velvety & sun-
    polished, with purple shadows between, make the sort of picture we
    knew that time we walked in Switzerland in the days of our youth.
I’ve had a pretty good success in one way here. I left New York with a sort of half-promise to deliver 30,000 words to Harper magazines this year. Writing for magazines is tough because every third page means two pages that you’ve wasted (you’re almost guaranteed to get it wrong twice), so when you finish an article and are ready to let it go to print, it ends up being worth only 10 cents a word instead of 30.

But this time I had the strange (and unprecedented) luck to get it right each time. I produced 37,000 words in 25 working days; and I think the reason I started right every time is that not only did I approve and accept the articles, but the ultimate judge (Livy) did too.

On many of the days in between, I worked a bit, but it was more idle work that won't see print until I’m gone. I plan to keep this up (an hour a day), but for the rest of the year, I expect to focus on a couple of long books (the ones I've partially completed). No more magazine work hanging over my head.

This quiet and peaceful solitude, this clean, soft air, and this beautiful view of Florence, the vast valley, and the snow-capped mountains surrounding it provide the right conditions for work. They offer constant inspiration. Today is gorgeous; when the afternoon comes, there will be a new stunning scene every hour until night, each one getting better—from divine to even more divine. On this (second) floor, Clara’s room has the best view; she keeps a ten-foot-high window wide open all the time, framing the scenery. I go in from time to time each day to trade some banter for a look. The main focus is a distant, majestic snow-covered peak rising above and behind dark wooded hills, and its sloping, vast sides, smooth and sun-kissed, with purple shadows in between, create the kind of picture we remember from that time we walked in Switzerland in our youth.

From this letter, which is of January 7, 1904, we gather that the weather had greatly improved, and with it Mrs. Clemens's health, notwithstanding she had an alarming attack in December. One of the stories he had finished was “The $30,000 Bequest.” The work mentioned, which would not see print until after his death, was a continuation of those autobiographical chapters which for years he had been setting down as the mood seized him.

From this letter dated January 7, 1904, we learn that the weather had significantly improved, and so had Mrs. Clemens's health, even though she had a concerning episode in December. One of the stories he completed was “The $30,000 Bequest.” The work he referred to, which wouldn't be published until after his death, was a continuation of the autobiographical chapters he had been writing whenever the mood struck him.

He experimented with dictation, which he had tried long before with Redpath, and for a time now found it quite to his liking. He dictated some of his copyright memories, and some anecdotes and episodes; but his amanuensis wrote only longhand, which perhaps hampered him, for he tired of it by and by and the dictations were discontinued.

He tried out dictation, something he had attempted before with Redpath, and for a while, he really enjoyed it. He dictated some of his copyright memories, along with a few anecdotes and stories; however, his assistant could only write in longhand, which probably slowed him down. Eventually, he got tired of it, and the dictations came to an end.

Among these notes there is one elaborate description of the Villa di Quarto, dictated at the end of the winter, by which time we are not surprised to find he had become much attached to the place. The Italian spring was in the air, and it was his habit to grow fond of his surroundings. Some atmospheric paragraphs of these impressions invite us here:

Among these notes, there’s one detailed description of the Villa di Quarto, written at the end of winter. By that time, it's no surprise that he had developed a strong affection for the place. The Italian spring was in the air, and he had a tendency to become attached to his surroundings. Some vivid passages about these feelings draw us in:

    We are in the extreme south end of the house, if there is any such
    thing as a south end to a house, whose orientation cannot be
    determined by me, because I am incompetent in all cases where an
    object does not point directly north & south. This one slants
    across between, & is therefore a confusion. This little private
    parlor is in one of the two corners of what I call the south end of
    the house. The sun rises in such a way that all the morning it is
    pouring its light through the 33 glass doors or windows which pierce
    the side of the house which looks upon the terrace & garden; the
    rest of the day the light floods this south end of the house, as I
    call it; at noon the sun is directly above Florence yonder in the
    distance in the plain, directly across those architectural features
    which have been so familiar to the world in pictures for some
    centuries, the Duomo, the Campanile, the Tomb of the Medici, & the
    beautiful tower of the Palazzo Vecchio; in this position it begins
    to reveal the secrets of the delicious blue mountains that circle
    around into the west, for its light discovers, uncovers, & exposes a
    white snowstorm of villas & cities that you cannot train yourself to
    have confidence in, they appear & disappear so mysteriously, as if
    they might not be villas & cities at all, but the ghosts of perished
    ones of the remote & dim Etruscan times; & late in the afternoon the
    sun sets down behind those mountains somewhere, at no particular
    time & at no particular place, so far as I can see.
    We are at the far south end of the house, if you can call it that, since I can’t tell the direction of a house unless something points directly north and south. This one angles in between those points, which just confuses things. This little private parlor is in one of the two corners of what I refer to as the south end of the house. The sun rises in such a way that all morning, it floods light through the 33 glass doors or windows that line the side of the house facing the terrace and garden. For the rest of the day, light fills this south end of the house; at noon, the sun is right above Florence in the distance, directly across from those famous architectural landmarks – the Duomo, the Campanile, the Tomb of the Medici, and the beautiful tower of the Palazzo Vecchio. From this position, the sun starts to reveal the secrets of the lovely blue mountains that curve around to the west, as its light uncovers a mysterious array of villas and cities that you can’t seem to trust; they appear and vanish so enigmatically, as if they aren't real, but rather the ghosts of long-lost places from ancient Etruscan times. Late in the afternoon, the sun sets behind those mountains somewhere, at no specific time and no particular place, at least from what I can see.

Again at the end of March he wrote:

Again at the end of March he wrote:

    Now that we have lived in this house four and a half months my
    prejudices have fallen away one by one & the place has become very
    homelike to me. Under certain conditions I should like to go on
    living in it indefinitely. I should wish the Countess to move out
    of Italy, out of Europe, out of the planet. I should want her
    bonded to retire to her place in the next world & inform me which of
    the two it was, so that I could arrange for my own hereafter.
    Now that we’ve been living in this house for four and a half months, my biases have disappeared one by one, and it has started to feel really homey to me. Under the right conditions, I would love to stay here indefinitely. I would want the Countess to leave Italy, leave Europe, leave the planet altogether. I would want her to be destined to move on to her next life and let me know which of the two it was, so I could plan for my own future.

Complications with their landlady had begun early, and in time, next to Mrs. Clemens's health, to which it bore such an intimate and vital relation, the indifference of the Countess Massiglia to their needs became the supreme and absorbing concern of life at the villa, and led to continued and almost continuous house-hunting.

Complications with their landlady started early, and eventually, next to Mrs. Clemens's health, which was so closely connected and essential, the Countess Massiglia's indifference to their needs became the main and all-consuming focus of life at the villa, leading to ongoing and nearly constant house-hunting.

Days when the weather permitted, Clemens drove over the hills looking for a villa which he could lease or buy—one with conveniences and just the right elevation and surroundings. There were plenty of villas; but some of them were badly situated as to altitude or view; some were falling to decay, and the search was rather a discouraging one. Still it was not abandoned, and the reports of these excursions furnished new interest and new hope always to the invalid at home.

On days when the weather was nice, Clemens drove over the hills searching for a villa he could rent or buy—one that had the right amenities and was at the perfect elevation and in a good location. There were lots of villas available; however, some of them were poorly positioned regarding height or view, and others were in a state of disrepair, making the search pretty discouraging. Still, he didn’t give up, and the updates from these trips always brought new interest and hope to the invalid at home.

“Even if we find it,” he wrote Howells, “I am afraid it will be months before we can move Mrs. Clemens. Of course it will. But it comforts us to let on that we think otherwise, and these pretensions help to keep hope alive in her.”

“Even if we find it,” he wrote to Howells, “I’m afraid it will be months before we can move Mrs. Clemens. Of course it will. But it comforts us to pretend that we think otherwise, and these pretenses help keep hope alive in her.”

She had her bad days and her good days, days when it was believed she had passed the turning-point and was traveling the way to recovery; but the good days were always a little less hopeful, the bad days a little more discouraging. On February 22d Clemens wrote in his note-book:

She had her good days and her bad days, days when it seemed she had passed the turning point and was on the road to recovery; but the good days always felt a bit less promising, and the bad days a bit more discouraging. On February 22nd, Clemens wrote in his notebook:

At midnight Livy's pulse went to 192 & there was a collapse. Great alarm. Subcutaneous injection of brandy saved her.

At midnight, Livy's pulse shot up to 192, and she collapsed. There was great alarm. A subcutaneous injection of brandy saved her.

And to MacAlister toward the end of March:

And to MacAlister towards the end of March:

We are having quite perfect weather now & are hoping that it will bring effects for Mrs. Clemens.

We have really great weather right now and are hoping it will be beneficial for Mrs. Clemens.

But a few days later he added that he was watching the driving rain through the windows, and that it was bad weather for the invalid. “But it will not last,” he said.

But a few days later he mentioned that he was looking at the heavy rain through the windows, and that it was tough weather for someone who's unwell. “But it won't last,” he said.

The invalid improved then, and there was a concert in Florence at which Clara Clemens sang. Clemens in his note-book says:

The sick person got better, and there was a concert in Florence where Clara Clemens performed. Clemens recorded in his notebook:

    April 8. Clara's concert was a triumph. Livy woke up & sent for
    her to tell her all about it, near midnight.
    April 8. Clara's concert was a huge success. Livy woke up and called for her to share all the details, close to midnight.

But a day or two later she was worse again—then better. The hearts in that household were as pendulums, swinging always between hope and despair.

But a day or two later she was feeling worse again—then better. The emotions in that household were like pendulums, constantly swinging between hope and despair.

One familiar with the Clemens history might well have been filled with forebodings. Already in January a member of the family, Mollie Clemens, Orion's wife, died, news which was kept from Mrs. Clemens, as was the death of Aldrich's son, and that of Sir Henry M. Stanley, both of which occurred that spring.

One who knows the Clemens history might have been filled with anxiety. Already in January, a family member, Mollie Clemens, Orion's wife, passed away—a fact that was kept from Mrs. Clemens, just like the news of Aldrich's son dying, and the death of Sir Henry M. Stanley, both of which happened that spring.

Indeed, death harvested freely that year among the Clemens friendships. Clemens wrote Twichell:

Indeed, death took a heavy toll that year among the Clemens friends. Clemens wrote to Twichell:

    Yours has just this moment arrived-just as I was finishing a note to
    poor Lady Stanley. I believe the last country-house visit we paid
    in England was to Stanley's. Lord! how my friends & acquaintances
    fall about me now in my gray-headed days! Vereshchagin, Mommsen,
    Dvorak, Lenbach, & Jokai, all so recently, & now Stanley. I have
    known Stanley 37 years. Goodness, who is there I haven't known?
    Yours has just arrived—just as I was finishing a note to poor Lady Stanley. I think the last country house visit we had in England was to the Stanleys'. Wow, how my friends and acquaintances surround me now in my gray-haired days! Vereshchagin, Mommsen, Dvorak, Lenbach, and Jokai, all not long ago, and now Stanley. I’ve known Stanley for 37 years. Goodness, who haven’t I known?




CCXXXI. THE CLOSE OF A BEAUTIFUL LIFE

In one of his notes near the end of April Clemens writes that once more, as at Riverdale, he has been excluded from Mrs. Clemens's room except for the briefest moment at a time. But on May 12th, to R. W. Gilder, he reported:

In one of his notes from late April, Clemens writes that once again, like in Riverdale, he has been shut out of Mrs. Clemens's room, except for the briefest moments. But on May 12th, he reported to R. W. Gilder:

    For two days now we have not been anxious about Mrs. Clemens
    (unberufen). After 20 months of bedridden solitude & bodily misery
    she all of a sudden ceases to be a pallid, shrunken shadow, & looks
    bright & young & pretty. She remains what she always was, the most
    wonderful creature of fortitude, patience, endurance, and
    recuperative power that ever was. But ah, dear! it won't last;
    this fiendish malady will play new treacheries upon her, and I shall
    go back to my prayers again—unutterable from any pulpit!

    May 13, A.M. I have just paid one of my pair of permitted 2-minute
    visits per day to the sick-room. And found what I have learned to
    expect—retrogression.
For the past two days, we haven’t worried about Mrs. Clemens (uninvited). After 20 months of being stuck in bed and suffering, she suddenly stops being a pale, frail shadow, and looks vibrant, youthful, and attractive. She remains, as always, the most amazing person in terms of strength, patience, endurance, and recovery that I've ever seen. But, oh dear! It won't last; this cruel illness will come up with new tricks, and I'll be back to my prayers again—unspeakable from any pulpit!

May 13, A.M. I just finished one of my two-minute visits to the sick room, and I found what I expected—setbacks.

There was a day when she was brought out on the terrace in a wheel-chair to see the wonder of the early Italian summer. She had been a prisoner so long that she was almost overcome with the delight of it all—the more so, perhaps, in the feeling that she might so soon be leaving it.

There was a day when she was taken out onto the terrace in a wheelchair to experience the beauty of the early Italian summer. She had been confined for so long that she was nearly overwhelmed with joy—it was even stronger, perhaps, knowing that she might be leaving it all behind soon.

It was on Sunday, the 5th of June, that the end came. Clemens and Jean had driven out to make some calls, and had stopped at a villa, which promised to fulfil most of the requirements. They came home full of enthusiasm concerning it, and Clemens, in his mind, had decided on the purchase. In the corridor Clara said:

It was Sunday, June 5th, when it all came to an end. Clemens and Jean had gone out to visit some places and stopped at a villa that seemed to meet almost all their needs. They returned home excited about it, and Clemens had already made up his mind to buy it. In the hallway, Clara said:

“She is better to-day than she has been for three months.”

“She is doing better today than she has been for the past three months.”

Then quickly, under her breath, “Unberufen,” which the others, too, added hastily—superstitiously.

Then quickly, under her breath, “Unberufen,” which the others also added hastily—superstitiously.

Mrs. Clemens was, in fact, bright and cheerful, and anxious to hear all about the new property which was to become their home. She urged him to sit by her during the dinner-hour and tell her the details; but once, when the sense of her frailties came upon her, she said they must not mind if she could not go very soon, but be content where they were. He remained from half past seven until eight—a forbidden privilege, but permitted because she was so animated, feeling so well. Their talk was as it had been in the old days, and once during it he reproached himself, as he had so often done, and asked forgiveness for the tears he had brought into her life. When he was summoned to go at last he chided himself for remaining so long; but she said there was no harm, and kissed him, saying: “You will come back,” and he answered, “Yes, to say good night,” meaning at half past nine, as was the permitted custom. He stood a moment at the door throwing kisses to her, and she returning them, her face bright with smiles.

Mrs. Clemens was actually cheerful and eager to hear all about the new property that would become their home. She encouraged him to sit with her during dinner and share the details. But once, when the reality of her limitations hit her, she said they shouldn’t worry if she couldn’t leave very soon and should be happy where they were. He stayed from seven-thirty until eight—a restricted privilege, but allowed because she was so lively and felt good. Their conversation was just like it had been in the past, and at one point he felt guilty, as he often did, and asked for forgiveness for the tears he had brought into her life. When he was finally called to leave, he scolded himself for staying so long; but she said it was okay and kissed him, saying, “You will come back,” and he replied, “Yes, to say good night,” meaning at nine-thirty, as was the usual practice. He paused for a moment at the door, blowing kisses to her, and she blew them back, her face glowing with smiles.

He was so hopeful and happy that it amounted to exaltation. He went to his room at first, then he was moved to do a thing which he had seldom done since Susy died. He went to the piano up-stairs and sang the old jubilee songs that Susy had liked to hear him sing. Jean came in presently, listening. She had not done this before, that he could remember. He sang “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot,” and “My Lord He Calls Me.” He noticed Jean then and stopped, but she asked him to go on.

He was so hopeful and happy that it felt like pure joy. He went to his room at first, but then he felt inspired to do something he hadn’t done much since Susy passed away. He went upstairs to the piano and sang the old jubilee songs that Susy loved to hear him sing. Jean came in after a while, listening. He didn’t remember her doing this before. He sang “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” and “My Lord He Calls Me.” He noticed Jean then and stopped, but she asked him to keep going.

Mrs. Clemens, in her room, heard the distant music, and said to her attendant:

Mrs. Clemens, in her room, heard the distant music and said to her attendant:

“He is singing a good-night carol to me.”

“He's singing me a good-night song.”

The music ceased presently, and then a moment later she asked to be lifted up. Almost in that instant life slipped away without a sound.

The music stopped, and a moment later she asked to be lifted up. Almost instantly, life faded away without a sound.

Clemens, coming to say good night, saw a little group about her bed, Clara and Jean standing as if dazed. He went and bent over and looked into her face, surprised that she did not greet him. He did not suspect what had happened until he heard one of the daughters ask:

Clemens came to say goodnight and saw a small group by her bed, with Clara and Jean standing there as if in a trance. He leaned over to look at her face, surprised that she didn't acknowledge him. He didn't realize what had happened until he heard one of the daughters ask:

“Katie, is it true? Oh, Katie, is it true?”

“Katie, is it true? Oh, Katie, is it true?”

He realized then that she was gone.

He realized then that she was gone.

In his note-book that night he wrote:

In his notebook that night, he wrote:

    At a quarter past 9 this evening she that was the life of my life
    passed to the relief & the peace of death after as months of unjust
    & unearned suffering. I first saw her near 37 years ago, & now I
    have looked upon her face for the last time. Oh, so unexpected!...
    I was full of remorse for things done & said in these 34 years of
    married life that hurt Livy's heart.
    At a quarter past 9 this evening, the person who was my everything passed away, finding relief and peace in death after months of unfair and undeserved suffering. I first saw her nearly 37 years ago, and now I have looked upon her face for the last time. Oh, how unexpected!... I am filled with regret for the things I've done and said in these 34 years of marriage that hurt Livy's heart.

He envied her lying there, so free from it all, with the great peace upon her face. He wrote to Howells and to Twichell, and to Mrs. Crane, those nearest and dearest ones. To Twichell he said:

He envied her lying there, so free from it all, with the calmness on her face. He wrote to Howells, Twichell, and Mrs. Crane, the ones closest to him. To Twichell he said:

    How sweet she was in death, how young, how beautiful, how like her
    dear girlish self of thirty years ago, not a gray hair showing!
    This rejuvenescence was noticeable within two hours after her death;
    & when I went down again (2.30) it was complete. In all that night
    & all that day she never noticed my caressing hand—it seemed
    strange.
How sweet she looked in death, how young, how beautiful, how much like her dear girlish self from thirty years ago, not a gray hair in sight! This rejuvenation was noticeable just two hours after her death; and when I went down again (2:30) it was complete. Throughout that night and the following day, she never acknowledged my gentle touch—it felt odd.

To Howells he recalled the closing scene:

To Howells, he remembered the final scene:

    I bent over her & looked in her face & I think I spoke—I was
    surprised & troubled that she did not notice me. Then we understood
    & our hearts broke. How poor we are to-day!

    But how thankful I am that her persecutions are ended! I would not
    call her back if I could.

    To-day, treasured in her worn, old Testament, I found a dear &
    gentle letter from you dated Far Rockaway, September 13, 1896, about
    our poor Susy's death. I am tired & old; I wish I were with Livy.
I leaned over her and looked at her face, and I think I spoke— I was surprised and troubled that she didn’t notice me. Then we understood, and our hearts broke. How poor we are today!

But I’m so thankful that her suffering is over! I wouldn’t bring her back if I could.

Today, in her old, worn-out Bible, I found a sweet and gentle letter from you dated Far Rockaway, September 13, 1896, about our poor Susy’s death. I’m tired and old; I wish I were with Livy.

And in a few days:

In a few days:

It would break Livy's heart to see Clara. We excuse ourself from all the friends that call—though, of course, only intimates come. Intimates—but they are not the old, old friends, the friends of the old, old times when we laughed. Shall we ever laugh again? If I could only see a dog that I knew in the old times & could put my arms around his neck and tell him all, everything, & ease my heart!

It would break Livy's heart to see Clara. We avoid all the friends who call—though, of course, only close ones reach out. Close ones—but they aren't the old friends, the friends from the past when we laughed together. Will we ever laugh again? If I could just see a dog I knew back then and wrap my arms around his neck and tell him everything, and lighten my heart!





CCXXXII. THE SAD JOURNEY HOME

A tidal wave of sympathy poured in. Noble and commoner, friend and stranger—humanity of every station—sent their messages of condolence to the friend of mankind. The cablegrams came first—bundles of them from every corner of the world—then the letters, a steady inflow. Howells, Twichell, Aldrich—those oldest friends who had themselves learned the meaning of grief—spoke such few and futile words as the language can supply to allay a heart's mourning, each recalling the rarity and beauty of the life that had slipped away. Twichell and his wife wrote:

A wave of sympathy came flooding in. People from all walks of life—nobles and commoners, friends and strangers—sent their condolences to the friend of humanity. The telegrams arrived first—bundles from every corner of the globe—followed by a steady stream of letters. Howells, Twichell, Aldrich—those longtime friends who had also faced grief—offered the few and inadequate words that could be found to ease someone's heartache, each recalling the rarity and beauty of the life that had passed. Twichell and his wife wrote:

DEAR, DEAR MARK,—There is nothing we can say. What is there to say? But here we are—with you all every hour and every minute—filled with unutterable thoughts; unutterable affection for the dead and for the living. HARMONY AND JOE.

DEAR, DEAR MARK,—There's nothing we can say. What is there to say? But here we are—with all of you every hour and every minute—filled with indescribable thoughts; indescribable love for the dead and for the living. HARMONY AND JOE.

Howells in his letter said:

Howells said in his letter:

She hallowed what she touched far beyond priests.... What are you going to do, you poor soul?

She blessed everything she touched, more than any priest could... What are you going to do, you poor soul?

A hundred letters crowd in for expression here, but must be denied—not, however, the beam of hope out of Helen Keller's illumined night:

A hundred letters want to be expressed here, but they must be held back—still, not the beam of hope from Helen Keller's brightened darkness:

    Do try to reach through grief and feel the pressure of her hand, as
    I reach through darkness and feel the smile on my friends' lips and
    the light in their eyes though mine are closed.
    Do try to push past the grief and feel the pressure of her hand, as
    I push through the darkness and feel the smiles on my friends' lips and
    the light in their eyes even though mine are closed.

They were adrift again without plans for the future. They would return to America to lay Mrs. Clemens to rest by Susy and little Langdon, but beyond that they could not see. Then they remembered a quiet spot in Massachusetts, Tyringham, near Lee, where the Gilders lived, and so, on June 7th, he wrote:

They were lost again, with no plans for the future. They would go back to America to bury Mrs. Clemens next to Susy and little Langdon, but after that, they couldn’t envision what came next. Then they recalled a peaceful place in Massachusetts, Tyringham, near Lee, where the Gilders lived, and so, on June 7th, he wrote:

    DEAR GILDER FAMILY,—I have been worrying and worrying to know what
    to do; at last I went to the girls with an idea—to ask the Gilders
    to get us shelter near their summer home. It was the first time
    they have not shaken their heads. So to-morrow I will cable to you
    and shall hope to be in time.

    An hour ago the best heart that ever beat for me and mine was
    carried silent out of this house, and I am as one who wanders and
    has lost his way. She who is gone was our head, she was our hands.
    We are now trying to make plans—we: we who have never made a plan
    before, nor ever needed to. If she could speak to us she would make
    it all simple and easy with a word, & our perplexities would vanish
    away. If she had known she was near to death she would have told us
    where to go and what to do, but she was not suspecting, neither were
    we. She was all our riches and she is gone; she was our breath, she
    was our life, and now we are nothing.

    We send you our love-and with it the love of you that was in her
    heart when she died.
                            S. L. CLEMENS.
    DEAR GILDER FAMILY,—I've been worrying a lot about what to do; finally, I spoke to the girls with a suggestion—to ask the Gilders if we could stay near their summer home. It’s the first time they haven’t shaken their heads. So tomorrow I will send you a message and hope it gets through in time.

    An hour ago, the best heart that ever beat for me and mine was carried away silently from this house, and I feel lost, like someone who's wandered off the path. The one who has passed was our leader, our hands. We're now trying to make plans—we, who have never made plans before, nor needed to. If she could talk to us, she would make everything simple and easy with just a word, & our confusion would vanish. If she had known she was close to death, she would have told us where to go and what to do, but she didn’t suspect it, and neither did we. She was all our wealth, and now she’s gone; she was our breath, our life, and now we have nothing.

    We send you our love—and along with it, the love for you that was in her heart when she died.
                            S. L. CLEMENS.

They arranged to sail on the Prince Oscar on the 29th of June. There was an earlier steamer, but it was the Princess Irene, which had brought them, and they felt they would not make the return voyage on that vessel. During the period of waiting a curious thing happened. Clemens one day got up in a chair in his room on the second floor to pull down the high window-sash. It did not move easily and his hand slipped. It was only by the merest chance that he saved himself from falling to the ground far below. He mentions this in his note-book, and once, speaking of it to Frederick Duneka, he said:

They planned to sail on the Prince Oscar on June 29th. There was an earlier steamer, but it was the Princess Irene that had brought them, and they felt they wouldn’t want to make the return trip on that boat. While they were waiting, something strange happened. One day, Clemens stood on a chair in his room on the second floor to pull down the high window. It didn’t move easily, and his hand slipped. He only avoided falling to the ground below by sheer luck. He writes about this in his notebook, and once, when he mentioned it to Frederick Duneka, he said:

“Had I fallen it would probably have killed me, and in my bereaved circumstances the world would have been convinced that it was suicide. It was one of those curious coincidences which are always happening and being misunderstood.”

“Had I fallen, it probably would have killed me, and under my sad circumstances, the world would have thought it was suicide. It was one of those strange coincidences that always happen and are misunderstood.”

The homeward voyage and its sorrowful conclusion are pathetically conveyed in his notes:

The journey back home and its sad ending are deeply expressed in his notes:

    June 29, 1904. Sailed last night at 10. The bugle-call to
    breakfast. I recognized the notes and was distressed. When I heard
    them last Livy heard them with me; now they fall upon her ear
    unheeded.

    In my life there have been 68 Junes—but how vague & colorless 67 of
    them are contrasted with the deep blackness of this one!

    July 1, 1904. I cannot reproduce Livy's face in my mind's eye—I
    was never in my life able to reproduce a face. It is a curious
    infirmity—& now at last I realize it is a calamity.

    July 2, 1904. In these 34 years we have made many voyages together,
    Livy dear—& now we are making our last; you down below & lonely; I
    above with the crowd & lonely.

    July 3, 1904. Ship-time, 8 A.M. In 13 hours & a quarter it will be
    4 weeks since Livy died.

    Thirty-one years ago we made our first voyage together—& this is
    our last one in company. Susy was a year old then. She died at 24
    & had been in her grave 8 years.

    July 10, 1904. To-night it will be 5 weeks. But to me it remains
    yesterday—as it has from the first. But this funeral march—how
    sad & long it is!

    Two days more will end the second stage of it.

    July 14, 1904 (ELMIRA). Funeral private in the house of Livy's
    young maidenhood. Where she stood as a bride 34 years ago there her
    coffin rested; & over it the same voice that had made her a wife
    then committed her departed spirit to God now.
    June 29, 1904. We set sail last night at 10. The bugle call for breakfast sounded. I recognized the tune and felt a wave of sadness. The last time I heard it, Livy was with me; now it plays, and she doesn't hear it.

    I've had 68 Junes in my life, but 67 of them feel so vague and colorless compared to the deep sorrow of this one!

    July 1, 1904. I can't picture Livy's face in my mind—I’ve never been able to recreate a face. It's a strange limitation, and now I finally see it as a tragedy.

    July 2, 1904. Over these 34 years, we’ve journeyed together, my dear Livy—and now we're making our last trip; you are below, alone; I'm up here with others, yet still alone.

    July 3, 1904. Ship time, 8 A.M. In just over 13 hours, it will be 4 weeks since Livy passed away.

    Thirty-one years ago, we made our first journey together—and this is our last one together. Susy was just a year old then. She died at 24 and has been gone for 8 years.

    July 10, 1904. Tonight marks 5 weeks. But to me, it still feels like yesterday—as it has since the beginning. This funeral march—how sad and lengthy it is!

    Just two more days will finish this second part of it.

    July 14, 1904 (ELMIRA). A private funeral at the home from Livy's youth. Where she stood as a bride 34 years ago, her coffin now rests; and over it, the same voice that made her a wife then now commits her spirit to God.

It was Joseph Twichell who rendered that last service. Mr. Beecher was long since dead. It was a simple, touching utterance, closing with this tender word of farewell:

It was Joseph Twichell who provided that final service. Mr. Beecher had long since passed away. It was a simple, heartfelt statement, ending with this gentle farewell:

    Robert Browning, when he was nearing the end of his earthly days,
    said that death was the thing that we did not believe in. Nor do we
    believe in it. We who journeyed through the bygone years in
    companionship with the bright spirit now withdrawn are growing old.
    The way behind is long; the way before is short. The end cannot be
    far off. But what of that? Can we not say, each one:

       “So long that power hath blessed me, sure it still
                   Will lead me on;
        O'er moor and fen; o'er crag and torrent, till
                   The night is gone;
         And with the morn, their angel faces smile,
        Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!”

    And so good-by. Good-by, dear heart! Strong, tender, and true.
    Good-by until for us the morning break and these shadows fly away.
    Robert Browning, as he approached the end of his life, said that death was something we didn't really believe in. And we still don't believe in it. We who have traveled through the past years alongside the bright spirit now gone are getting older. The path behind us is long; the path ahead is short. The end can't be far off. But so what? Can't each of us say:

       “As long as power has blessed me, I’m sure it will still
                   Lead me on;
        Over marsh and swamp; over rock and flood, until
                   The night is over;
         And with the morning, their angel faces smile,
        Which I have loved long ago, and lost for a while!”

    And so goodbye. Goodbye, dear heart! Strong, tender, and true. Goodbye until the morning breaks for us and these shadows fade away.

Dr. Eastman, who had succeeded Mr. Beecher, closed the service with a prayer, and so the last office we can render in this life for those we love was finished.

Dr. Eastman, who took over from Mr. Beecher, wrapped up the service with a prayer, marking the end of the final tribute we can offer in this life for those we care about.

Clemens ordered that a simple marker should be placed at the grave, bearing, besides the name, the record of birth and death, followed by the German line:

Clemens requested that a simple marker be placed at the grave, showing, in addition to the name, the dates of birth and death, followed by the German line:

            'Gott sei dir gnadig, O meine Wonne'!
'God be gracious to you, O my joy!'




CCXXXIII. BEGINNING ANOTHER HOME

There was an extra cottage on the Gilder place at Tyringham, and this they occupied for the rest of that sad summer. Clemens, in his note-book, has preserved some of its aspects and incidents.

There was an extra cottage on the Gilder property in Tyringham, and they stayed there for the rest of that difficult summer. Clemens, in his notebook, has recorded some of its features and events.

July 24, 1904. Rain—rain—rain. Cold. We built a fire in my room. Then clawed the logs out & threw water, remembering there was a brood of swallows in the chimney. The tragedy was averted.

July 24, 1904. Rain—rain—rain. Cold. We started a fire in my room. Then we pulled the logs out and threw water, remembering there was a nest of swallows in the chimney. The disaster was averted.

July 31. LEE, MASSACHUSETTS (BERKSHIRE HILLS). Last night the young people out on a moonlight ride. Trolley frightened Jean's horse—collision—horse killed. Rodman Gilder picked Jean up, unconscious; she was taken to the doctor, per the car. Face, nose, side, back contused; tendon of left ankle broken.

July 31. LEE, MASSACHUSETTS (BERKSHIRE HILLS). Last night, the young people went on a moonlit ride. A trolley startled Jean's horse—there was a collision—the horse was killed. Rodman Gilder picked up Jean, who was unconscious; she was taken to the doctor by car. Her face, nose, side, and back were bruised; the tendon in her left ankle was broken.

August 10. NEW YORK. Clam here sick—never well since June 5. Jean is at the summer home in the Berkshire Hills crippled.

August 10. NEW YORK. Clam here is sick—hasn't been well since June 5. Jean is at the summer house in the Berkshire Hills, injured.

The next entry records the third death in the Clemens family within a period of eight months—that of Mrs. Moffett, who had been Pamela Clemens. Clemens writes:

The next entry notes the third death in the Clemens family in eight months—that of Mrs. Moffett, formerly Pamela Clemens. Clemens writes:

    September 1. Died at Greenwich, Connecticut, my sister, Pamela
    Moffett, aged about 73.

    Death dates this year January 14, June 5, September 1.
    September 1. Died in Greenwich, Connecticut, my sister, Pamela  
    Moffett, around age 73.

    Death dates this year January 14, June 5, September 1.

That fall they took a house in New York City, on the corner of Ninth Street and Fifth Avenue, No. 21, remaining for a time at the Grosvenor while the new home was being set in order. The home furniture was brought from Hartford, unwrapped, and established in the light of strange environment. Clemens wrote:

That fall they rented a house in New York City, at the corner of Ninth Street and Fifth Avenue, No. 21, staying for a while at the Grosvenor while they got the new place ready. The furniture from Hartford was brought in, unwrapped, and set up in this unfamiliar setting. Clemens wrote:

We have not seen it for thirteen years. Katie Leary, our old housekeeper, who has been in our service more than twenty-four years, cried when she told me about it to-day. She said, “I had forgotten it was so beautiful, and it brought Mrs. Clemens right back to me—in that old time when she was so young and lovely.”

We haven't seen it in thirteen years. Katie Leary, our longtime housekeeper, who's worked for us for over twenty-four years, cried when she told me about it today. She said, “I had forgotten how beautiful it was, and it reminded me so much of Mrs. Clemens—from that old time when she was so young and lovely.”

Clara Clemens had not recovered from the strain of her mother's long illness and the shock of her death, and she was ordered into retirement with the care of a trained nurse. The life at 21 Fifth Avenue, therefore, began with only two remaining members of the broken family—Clemens and Jean.

Clara Clemens hadn't fully recovered from the stress of her mother's prolonged illness and the surprise of her passing, so she was put into retirement with the assistance of a professional nurse. Life at 21 Fifth Avenue, therefore, started with just two surviving members of the shattered family—Clemens and Jean.

Clemens had undertaken to divert himself with work at Tyringham, though without much success. He was not well; he was restless and disturbed; his heart bleak with a great loneliness. He prepared an article on Copyright for the 'North American Review',—[Published Jan., 7905. A dialogue presentation of copyright conditions, addressed to Thorwald Stolberg, Register of Copyrights, Washington, D. C. One of the best of Mark Twain's papers on the subject.]—and he began, or at least contemplated, that beautiful fancy, 'Eve's Diary', which in the widest and most reverential sense, from the first word to the last, conveys his love, his worship, and his tenderness for the one he had laid away. Adam's single comment at the end, “Wheresoever she was, there was Eden,” was his own comment, and is perhaps the most tenderly beautiful line he ever wrote. These two books, Adam's Diary and Eve's—amusing and sometimes absurd as they are, and so far removed from the literal—are as autobiographic as anything he has done, and one of them as lovely in its truth. Like the first Maker of men, Mark Twain created Adam in his own image; and his rare Eve is no less the companion with whom, half a lifetime before, he had begun the marriage journey. Only here the likeness ceases. No Serpent ever entered their Eden. And they never left it; it traveled with them so long as they remained together.

Clemens had tried to keep himself busy with work at Tyringham, but he wasn't very successful. He wasn't feeling well; he was restless and troubled; his heart was heavy with loneliness. He worked on an article about Copyright for the 'North American Review',—[Published Jan., 7905. A dialogue presentation of copyright conditions, addressed to Thorwald Stolberg, Register of Copyrights, Washington, D. C. One of the best of Mark Twain's papers on the subject.]—and he started, or at least thought about, that beautiful piece, 'Eve's Diary,' which, in the deepest and most respectful way, captures his love, his admiration, and his gentleness for the one he had lost. Adam's sole comment at the end, “Wherever she was, there was Eden,” echoed his own feelings and is perhaps the most beautifully tender line he ever wrote. These two books, Adam's Diary and Eve's—while amusing and sometimes absurd, and far from literal—are as autobiographical as anything he has created, with one of them being as lovely in its honesty. Like the original Creator of humans, Mark Twain shaped Adam in his own image; and his rare Eve is no less the partner with whom, half a lifetime earlier, he had embarked on the journey of marriage. Only here the similarity ends. No Serpent ever entered their Eden. And they never left it; it stayed with them as long as they were together.

In the Christmas Harper for 1904 was published “Saint Joan of Arc”—the same being the Joan introduction prepared in London five years before. Joan's proposed beatification had stirred a new interest in the martyred girl, and this most beautiful article became a sort of key-note of the public heart. Those who read it were likely to go back and read the Recollections, and a new appreciation grew for that masterpiece. In his later and wider acceptance by his own land, and by the world at large, the book came to be regarded with a fresh understanding. Letters came from scores of readers, as if it were a newly issued volume. A distinguished educator wrote:

In the Christmas Harper for 1904, “Saint Joan of Arc” was published—essentially the same introduction to Joan that was prepared in London five years earlier. Joan's proposed beatification sparked a renewed interest in the martyred girl, and this beautifully written article struck a chord with the public. Readers were likely to revisit the Recollections, leading to a new appreciation for that masterpiece. As the book gained broader acceptance in his own country and around the world, it was viewed with a fresh perspective. Letters poured in from numerous readers, as if it were a newly released volume. A respected educator wrote:

    I would rather have written your history of Joan of Arc than any
    other piece of literature in any language.
    I would prefer to have written your history of Joan of Arc over any other piece of literature in any language.

And this sentiment grew. The demand for the book increased, and has continued to increase, steadily and rapidly. In the long and last analysis the good must prevail. A day will come when there will be as many readers of Joan as of any other of Mark Twain's works.

And this feeling grew. The demand for the book increased and has continued to rise steadily and quickly. In the end, good must win out. A day will come when there will be just as many readers of Joan as there are of any other of Mark Twain's works.

[The growing appreciation of Joan is shown by the report of sales for the three years following 1904. The sales for that year in America were 1,726; for 1905, 2,445 for 1906, 5,381; for 1907, 6,574. At this point it passed Pudd'nhead Wilson, the Yankee, The Gilded Age, Life on the Mississippi, overtook the Tramp Abroad, and more than doubled The American Claimant. Only The Innocents Abroad, Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer, and Roughing It still ranged ahead of it, in the order named.]

The increasing popularity of Joan is highlighted by the sales report for the three years after 1904. The sales for that year in America were 1,726; in 1905, they were 2,445; in 1906, 5,381; and in 1907, 6,574. At this point, it surpassed Pudd'nhead Wilson, The Gilded Age, Life on the Mississippi, overtook The Tramp Abroad, and more than doubled The American Claimant. Only The Innocents Abroad, Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer, and Roughing It still ranked ahead of it, in that order.





CCXXXIV. LIFE AT 21 FIFTH AVENUE

The house at 21 Fifth Avenue, built by the architect who had designed Grace Church, had a distinctly ecclesiastical suggestion about its windows, and was of fine and stately proportions within. It was a proper residence for a venerable author and a sage, and with the handsome Hartford furnishings distributed through it, made a distinctly suitable setting for Mark Twain. But it was lonely for him. It lacked soul. He added, presently, a great AEolian Orchestrelle, with a variety of music for his different moods. He believed that he would play it himself when he needed the comfort of harmony, and that Jean, who had not received musical training, or his secretary could also play to him. He had a passion for music, or at least for melody and stately rhythmic measures, though his ear was not attuned to what are termed the more classical compositions. For Wagner, for instance, he cared little, though in a letter to Mrs. Crane he said:

The house at 21 Fifth Avenue, designed by the architect behind Grace Church, had a distinctly church-like look to its windows and boasted impressive, elegant proportions inside. It was the perfect home for a respected author and wise person, and with the beautiful Hartford furniture throughout, it created a fitting environment for Mark Twain. But it felt lonely to him. It lacked character. He soon added a large Aeolian Orchestrelle, featuring a range of music for his various moods. He thought he would play it himself when he wanted the comfort of music, and that Jean, who hadn’t had formal music training, or his secretary could also play for him. He had a love for music, or at least for melodies and grand rhythms, although his ear didn’t quite understand what’s called classical music. He didn’t care much for Wagner, though in a letter to Mrs. Crane he said:

Certainly nothing in the world is so solemn and impressive and so divinely beautiful as “Tannhauser.” It ought to be used as a religious service.

Certainly nothing in the world is as solemn, impressive, and beautifully divine as "Tannhauser." It should be used as a religious service.

Beethoven's sonatas and symphonies also moved him deeply. Once, writing to Jean, he asked:

Beethoven's sonatas and symphonies really touched him. One time, when he was writing to Jean, he asked:

What is your favorite piece of music, dear? Mine is Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. I have found that out within a day or two.

What’s your favorite piece of music, dear? Mine is Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. I figured that out in just a day or two.

It was the majestic movement and melodies of the second part that he found most satisfying; but he oftener inclined to the still tenderer themes of Chopin's nocturnes and one of Schubert's impromptus, while the “Lorelei” and the “Erlking” and the Scottish airs never wearied him. Music thus became a chief consolation during these lonely days—rich organ harmonies that filled the emptiness of his heart and beguiled from dull, material surroundings back into worlds and dreams that he had known and laid away.

It was the powerful rhythms and melodies of the second part that he found most enjoyable; but he often leaned toward the softer themes of Chopin's nocturnes and one of Schubert's impromptus, while the “Lorelei,” the “Erlking,” and the Scottish tunes never tired him. Music became a primary source of comfort during these lonely days—deep organ harmonies that filled the emptiness in his heart and transported him from dull, everyday life back into the worlds and dreams he had experienced and tucked away.

He went out very little that winter—usually to the homes of old and intimate friends. Once he attended a small dinner given him by George Smalley at the Metropolitan Club; but it was a private affair, with only good friends present. Still, it formed the beginning of his return to social life, and it was not in his nature to retire from the brightness of human society, or to submerge himself in mourning. As the months wore on he appeared here and there, and took on something of his old-time habit. Then his annual bronchitis appeared, and he was confined a good deal to his home, where he wrote or planned new reforms and enterprises.

He didn’t go out much that winter—mostly just to visit old close friends. He did attend a small dinner hosted by George Smalley at the Metropolitan Club, but it was a private event with just good friends there. Still, it marked the start of his return to social life, and it wasn’t in his nature to withdraw from the vibrancy of society or to lose himself in grief. As the months went by, he started showing up here and there, picking up some of his old habits. Then, he experienced his annual bronchitis and had to stay home a lot, where he focused on writing or planning new reforms and projects.

The improvement of railway service, through which fewer persons should be maimed and destroyed each year, interested him. He estimated that the railroads and electric lines killed and wounded more than all of the wars combined, and he accumulated statistics and prepared articles on the subject, though he appears to have offered little of such matter for publication. Once, however, when his sympathy was awakened by the victim of a frightful trolley and train collision in Newark, New Jersey, he wrote a letter which promptly found its way into print.

The improvement of train services, which should result in fewer people being injured or killed each year, caught his attention. He believed that railroads and electric lines caused more deaths and injuries than all the wars combined, so he gathered statistics and wrote articles on the issue, although he seemed to have published very little. However, when he felt compassion for a victim of a terrible trolley and train crash in Newark, New Jersey, he wrote a letter that quickly got published.

    DEAR MISS MADELINE, Your good & admiring & affectionate brother has
    told me of your sorrowful share in the trolley disaster which
    brought unaccustomed tears to millions of eyes & fierce resentment
    against those whose criminal indifference to their responsibilities
    caused it, & the reminder has brought back to me a pang out of that
    bygone time. I wish I could take you sound & whole out of your bed
    & break the legs of those officials & put them in it—to stay there.
    For in my spirit I am merciful, and would not break their necks &
    backs also, as some would who have no feeling.

    It is your brother who permits me to write this line—& so it is not
    an intrusion, you see.

    May you get well-& soon!
                     Sincerely yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.
    DEAR MISS MADELINE, Your loving, admiring brother has told me about your sorrowful experience in the trolley disaster, which brought tears to millions of eyes and intense anger towards those whose careless disregard for their responsibilities caused it. This reminder has brought back a painful memory from a time long gone. I wish I could take you out of your bed, healthy and whole, and make those officials suffer by putting them in it—to stay there. Because in my heart, I am merciful and wouldn't want to break their necks and backs as some would who lack compassion.

    It is your brother who allows me to write this note—so it’s not an intrusion, as you can see.

    Wishing you a speedy recovery!
                     Sincerely yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.

A very little later he was writing another letter on a similar subject to St. Clair McKelway, who had narrowly escaped injury in a railway accident.

A short while later, he was writing another letter on a similar topic to St. Clair McKelway, who had just narrowly avoided injury in a train accident.

    DEAR McKELWAY, Your innumerable friends are grateful, most grateful.

    As I understand the telegrams, the engineers of your train had never
    seen a locomotive before.... The government's official
    report, showing that our railways killed twelve hundred persons last
    year & injured sixty thousand, convinces me that under present
    conditions one Providence is not enough properly & efficiently to
    take care of our railroad business. But it is characteristically
    American—always trying to get along short-handed & save wages.
    DEAR McKELWAY, Your many friends are thankful, very thankful.

    From what I've gathered from the telegrams, the engineers of your train had never seen a locomotive before.... The government's official report, which states that our railways killed twelve hundred people last year and injured sixty thousand, makes me believe that given the current situation, one Providence isn't enough to effectively manage our railroad business. But that's typically American—always trying to get by with fewer resources and cut costs.

A massacre of Jews in Moscow renewed his animosity for semi-barbaric Russia. Asked for a Christmas sentiment, he wrote:

A massacre of Jews in Moscow reignited his hatred for semi-barbaric Russia. When asked for a Christmas message, he wrote:

    It is my warm & world-embracing Christmas hope that all of us that
    deserve it may finally be gathered together in a heaven of rest &
    peace, & the others permitted to retire into the clutches of Satan,
    or the Emperor of Russia, according to preference—if they have a
    preference.
    It is my heartfelt and inclusive Christmas wish that all of us who deserve it can finally be united in a place of rest and peace, while the others are allowed to retreat into the hands of Satan, or the Emperor of Russia, depending on their choice—if they have one.

An article, “The Tsar's Soliloquy,” written at this time, was published in the North American Review for March (1905). He wrote much more, but most of the other matter he put aside. On a subject like that he always discarded three times as much as he published, and it was usually about three times as terrific as that which found its way into type. “The Soliloquy,” however, is severe enough. It represents the Tsar as contemplating himself without his clothes, and reflecting on what a poor human specimen he presents:

An article titled “The Tsar's Soliloquy,” written around this time, was published in the North American Review in March (1905). He wrote a lot more, but he set aside most of the other material. On a topic like that, he would typically discard three times what he published, and it was usually about three times more intense than what actually got printed. “The Soliloquy,” however, is harsh enough. It shows the Tsar contemplating himself without clothes and thinking about what a sorry human figure he is:

    Is it this that 140,000,000 Russians kiss the dust before and
    worship?—manifestly not! No one could worship this spectacle which
    is Me. Then who is it, what is it, that they worship? Privately,
    none knows better than I: it is my clothes! Without my clothes I
    should be as destitute of authority as any other naked person. No
    one could tell me from a parson and barber tutor. Then who is the
    real Emperor of Russia! My clothes! There is no other.
    Is this what 140,000,000 Russians bow down to and worship?—clearly not! No one could worship this sight that is me. So who or what is it that they worship? Deep down, I know better than anyone: it's my clothes! Without my clothes, I would have just as little authority as any other naked person. No one would be able to distinguish me from a priest or a barber. So who is the real Emperor of Russia? My clothes! There’s no one else.

The emperor continues this fancy, and reflects on the fierce cruelties that are done in his name. It was a withering satire on Russian imperialism, and it stirred a wide response. This encouraged Clemens to something even more pretentious and effective in the same line. He wrote “King Leopold's Soliloquy,” the reflections of the fiendish sovereign who had maimed and slaughtered fifteen millions of African subjects in his greed—gentle, harmless blacks-men, women, and little children whom he had butchered and mutilated in his Congo rubber-fields. Seldom in the history of the world have there been such atrocious practices as those of King Leopold in the Congo, and Clemens spared nothing in his picture of them. The article was regarded as not quite suitable for magazine publication, and it was given to the Congo Reform Association and issued as a booklet for distribution, with no return to the author, who would gladly have written a hundred times as much if he could have saved that unhappy race and have sent Leopold to the electric chair.—[The book was price-marked twenty-five cents, but the returns from such as were sold went to the cause. Thousands of them were distributed free. The Congo, a domain four times as large as the German empire, had been made the ward of Belgium at a convention in Berlin by the agreement of fourteen nations, America and thirteen European states. Leopold promptly seized the country for his personal advantage and the nations apparently found themselves powerless to depose him. No more terrible blunder was ever committed by an assemblage of civilized people.]

The emperor keeps this charade going and reflects on the brutal atrocities committed in his name. It was a harsh satire on Russian imperialism that sparked a widespread reaction. This inspired Clemens to create something even more ambitious and impactful along the same lines. He wrote “King Leopold's Soliloquy,” expressing the thoughts of the cruel ruler who had maimed and killed fifteen million African subjects out of greed—innocent, defenseless black men, women, and little children whom he had slaughtered and mutilated in his Congo rubber fields. Rarely in world history have there been such horrific acts as those committed by King Leopold in the Congo, and Clemens held nothing back in his depiction of them. The article was considered unsuitable for magazine publication, so it was given to the Congo Reform Association and published as a booklet for distribution, with no earnings for the author, who would have gladly written a hundred times as much if it could have saved that suffering race and sent Leopold to the electric chair. —[The booklet was priced at twenty-five cents, but the profits from those sold went to the cause. Thousands were distributed for free. The Congo, an area four times larger than the German Empire, had been designated as Belgium's territory at a convention in Berlin, agreed upon by fourteen nations, including America and thirteen European states. Leopold quickly claimed the country for his own benefit, and the nations seemingly found themselves powerless to remove him. No greater mistake was ever made by a group of civilized nations.]

Various plans and movements were undertaken for Congo reform, and Clemens worked and wrote letters and gave his voice and his influence and exhausted his rage, at last, as one after another of the half-organized and altogether futile undertakings showed no results. His interest did not die, but it became inactive. Eventually he declared: “I have said all I can say on that terrible subject. I am heart and soul in any movement that will rescue the Congo and hang Leopold, but I cannot write any more.”

Various plans and efforts were made for Congo reform, and Clemens worked hard, wrote letters, used his voice and influence, and expressed his frustration, only to find that one by one, the poorly organized and completely pointless initiatives yielded no results. His interest didn’t disappear, but it became dormant. Eventually, he stated: “I have said everything I can about that awful topic. I’m fully committed to any movement that aims to save the Congo and hold Leopold accountable, but I can’t write anymore.”

His fires were likely to burn themselves out, they raged so fiercely. His final paragraph on the subject was a proposed epitaph for Leopold when time should have claimed him. It ran:

His fires were probably going to burn themselves out, they blazed so intensely. His last paragraph on the topic was a suggested epitaph for Leopold when the time came for him to be taken. It read:

    Here under this gilded tomb lies rotting the body of one the smell
    of whose name will still offend the nostrils of men ages upon ages
    after all the Caesars and Washingtons & Napoleons shall have ceased
    to be praised or blamed & been forgotten—Leopold of Belgium.
    Here under this gilded tomb lies decaying the body of one the smell
    of whose name will still offend the nostrils of people ages upon ages
    after all the Caesars and Washingtons & Napoleons have ceased
    to be praised or blamed & been forgotten—Leopold of Belgium.

Clemens had not yet lost interest in the American policy in the Philippines, and in his letters to Twichell he did not hesitate to criticize the President's attitude in this and related matters. Once, in a moment of irritation, he wrote:

Clemens hadn't lost interest in American policy in the Philippines, and in his letters to Twichell, he didn't hold back in criticizing the President's stance on this and related issues. Once, in a moment of frustration, he wrote:

    DEAR JOE,—I knew I had in me somewhere a definite feeling about the
    President. If I could only find the words to define it with! Here
    they are, to a hair—from Leonard Jerome:

    “For twenty years I have loved Roosevelt the man, and hated
    Roosevelt the statesman and politician.”

    It's mighty good. Every time in twenty-five years that I have met
    Roosevelt the man a wave of welcome has streaked through me with the
    hand-grip; but whenever (as a rule) I meet Roosevelt the statesman &
    politician I find him destitute of morals & not respect-worthy. It
    is plain that where his political self & party self are concerned he
    has nothing resembling a conscience; that under those inspirations
    he is naively indifferent to the restraints of duty & even unaware
    of them; ready to kick the Constitution into the back yard whenever
    it gets in his way....

    But Roosevelt is excusable—I recognize it & (ought to) concede it.
    We are all insane, each in his own way, & with insanity goes
    irresponsibility. Theodore the man is sane; in fairness we ought to
    keep in mind that Theodore, as statesman & politician, is insane &
    irresponsible.
DEAR JOE,—I knew I had a strong feeling about the President somewhere inside me. If only I could find the right words to express it! Here they are, exactly—quoted from Leonard Jerome:

“For twenty years I have loved Roosevelt the man and hated Roosevelt the statesman and politician.”

That really hits home. Every time in the last twenty-five years that I’ve met Roosevelt the man, I’ve felt a warm wave of welcome with his handshake; but usually, when I meet Roosevelt the statesman & politician, I find him lacking in morals and not worthy of respect. It’s clear that when it comes to his political identity and party loyalty, he has no real conscience; under those circumstances, he’s naïvely indifferent to the obligations of duty and doesn’t even recognize them; he’s ready to toss the Constitution aside whenever it poses an obstacle....

But we can give Roosevelt a pass—I see that and (should) acknowledge it. We’re all a bit crazy, each in our own way, and with that craziness comes irresponsibility. Theodore the man is sane; to be fair, we should remember that Theodore, as a statesman and politician, is crazy and irresponsible.

He wrote a great deal more from time to time on this subject; but that is the gist of his conclusions, and whether justified by time, or otherwise, it expresses today the deduction of a very large number of people. It is set down here, because it is a part of Mark Twain's history, and also because a little while after his death there happened to creep into print an incomplete and misleading note (since often reprinted), which he once made in a moment of anger, when he was in a less judicial frame of mind. It seems proper that a man's honest sentiments should be recorded concerning the nation's servants.

He wrote a lot more on this topic over time, but that's the main point of his conclusions. Whether it's seen as justified with time or not, it reflects the views of a significant number of people today. It's included here because it's part of Mark Twain's history, and also because shortly after his death, a confusing and misleading note he wrote in a moment of anger, and often reprinted, came to light. It seems appropriate to record a man's genuine feelings about the nation's leaders.

Clemens wrote an article at this period which he called the “War Prayer.” It pictured the young recruits about to march away for war—the excitement and the celebration—the drum-beat and the heart-beat of patriotism—the final assembly in the church where the minister utters that tremendous invocation:

Clemens wrote an article during this time that he called the “War Prayer.” It depicted the young recruits getting ready to head off to war—the excitement and celebrations—the beat of the drums and the pulse of patriotism—the final gathering in the church where the minister delivers that powerful invocation:

           God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest,
           Thunder, Thy clarion, and lightning, Thy sword!
           God the all-terrible! You who command,
           Thunder, Your trumpet, and lightning, Your sword!

and the “long prayer” for victory to the nation's armies. As the prayer closes a white-robed stranger enters, moves up the aisle, and takes the preacher's place; then, after some moments of impressive silence, he begins:

and the “long prayer” for victory for the nation’s armies. As the prayer wraps up, a figure in white robes walks in, makes their way up the aisle, and takes the preacher’s spot; then, after a few moments of profound silence, they begin:

    “I come from the Throne-bearing a message from Almighty God!....
    He has heard the prayer of His servant, your shepherd, & will grant
    it if such shall be your desire after I His messenger shall have
    explained to you its import—that is to say its full import. For it
    is like unto many of the prayers of men in that it asks for more
    than he who utters it is aware of—except he pause & think.

    “God's servant & yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused & taken
    thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two—one uttered, the other
    not. Both have reached the ear of Him who heareth all
    supplications, the spoken & the unspoken....

    “You have heard your servant's prayer—the uttered part of it. I am
    commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it—that
    part which the pastor—and also you in your hearts—fervently
    prayed, silently. And ignorantly & unthinkingly? God grant that it
    was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us the victory, O Lord our
    God!' That is sufficient. The whole of the uttered prayer is
    completed into those pregnant words.

    “Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken
    part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!

       “O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go
       forth to battle—be Thou near them! With them—in spirit—we
       also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to
       smite the foe.

       “O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody
       shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields
       with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the
       thunder of the guns with the wounded, writhing in pain; help us
       to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help
       us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with
       unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their
       little children to wander unfriended through wastes of their
       desolated land in rags & hunger & thirst, sport of the sun-
       flames of summer & the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit,
       worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave &
       denied it—for our sakes, who adore Thee, Lord, blast their
       hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage,
       make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain
       the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask of
       one who is the Spirit of love & who is the ever-faithful refuge
       & friend of all that are sore beset, & seek His aid with humble
       & contrite hearts. Grant our prayer, O Lord; & Thine shall be
       the praise & honor & glory now & ever, Amen.”

       (After a pause.) “Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it,
       speak!—the messenger of the Most High waits.”

             ...............

       It was believed, afterward, that the man was a lunatic, because
       there was no sense in what he said.
 “I come from the Throne bearing a message from Almighty God!.... He has heard the prayer of His servant, your shepherd, & will grant it if that's what you desire after I, His messenger, have explained its meaning—that is to say, its full meaning. For it is like many prayers of people in that it asks for more than the person praying realizes—unless he stops & thinks.

 “God's servant & yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused & thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two—one spoken, the other unspoken. Both have reached the ear of Him who hears all supplications, the spoken & the unspoken....

 “You have heard your servant's prayer—the spoken part of it. I am commissioned by God to put into words the other part of it—that part which the pastor—and also you in your hearts—fervently prayed, silently. And ignorantly & thoughtlessly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!' That is enough. The whole of the spoken prayer is captured in those powerful words.

 “Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commands me to express it in words. Listen!

    “O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle—be near them! With them—in spirit—we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved homes to fight the enemy.

    “O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the lifeless bodies of their fallen patriots; help us to drown the roar of the guns with the cries of the wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a storm of fire; help us to break the hearts of their innocent widows with deep sorrow; help us to leave them homeless with their little children to wander alone through the ruins of their devastated land in rags & hunger & thirst, at the mercy of the summer sun & the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn out from suffering, pleading with You for the refuge of the grave & denied it—for our sake, who adore You, Lord, crush their hopes, ruin their lives, prolong their bitter journey, make their steps heavy, water their path with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We plead with one who is the Spirit of love & who is the ever-faithful refuge & friend of all who are in distress, & seek His help with humble & repentant hearts. Grant our prayer, O Lord; & Yours shall be the praise & honor & glory now & forever, Amen.”

        (After a pause.) “You have prayed it; if you still desire it, speak!—the messenger of the Most High waits.”

                ...............

        It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.

To Dan Beard, who dropped in to see him, Clemens read the “War Prayer,” stating that he had read it to his daughter Jean, and others, who had told him he must not print it, for it would be regarded as sacrilege.

To Dan Beard, who came by to visit him, Clemens read the “War Prayer,” mentioning that he had shared it with his daughter Jean and others, who warned him not to publish it, saying it would be seen as sacrilege.

“Still you—are going to publish it, are you not?”

“Are you still going to publish it?”

Clemens, pacing up and down the room in his dressing-gown and slippers, shook his head.

Clemens, walking back and forth in his robe and slippers, shook his head.

“No,” he said, “I have told the whole truth in that, and only dead men can tell the truth in this world. It can be published after I am dead.”

“No,” he said, “I have told the whole truth in that, and only dead men can tell the truth in this world. It can be published after I’m dead.”

He did not care to invite the public verdict that he was a lunatic, or even a fanatic with a mission to destroy the illusions and traditions and conclusions of mankind. To Twichell he wrote, playfully but sincerely:

He didn’t want to invite the public opinion that he was crazy or even a fanatic with a mission to break down the illusions, traditions, and beliefs of humanity. To Twichell, he wrote, playfully but sincerely:

Am I honest? I give you my word of honor (privately) I am not. For seven years I have suppressed a book which my conscience tells me I ought to publish. I hold it a duty to publish it. There are other difficult duties which I am equal to, but I am not equal to that one. Yes, even I am dishonest. Not in many ways, but in some. Forty-one, I think it is. We are certainly all honest in one or several ways—every man in the world—though I have a reason to think I am the only one whose blacklist runs so light. Sometimes I feel lonely enough in this lofty solitude.

Am I honest? I promise you, in all honesty, that I’m not. For seven years, I’ve held back a book that my conscience insists I should publish. I feel it's my duty to get it out there. There are other tough responsibilities I can handle, but this one? I’m not up for it. Yes, I admit I'm dishonest. Not in many ways, but in a few. Forty-one, I think. We’re all honest in one or several ways—everyone in the world—though I believe I might be the only one whose list of dishonesty is so short. Sometimes, I feel pretty lonely in this high place.

It was his Gospel he referred to as his unpublished book, his doctrine of Selfishness, and of Man the irresponsible Machine. To Twichell he pretended to favor war, which he declared, to his mind, was one of the very best methods known of diminishing the human race.

It was his Gospel that he called his unpublished book, his idea of Selfishness, and of Man as the irresponsible Machine. To Twichell, he acted like he supported war, which he claimed, in his view, was one of the best ways to reduce the human population.

What a life it is!—this one! Everything we try to do, somebody intrudes & obstructs it. After years of thought & labor I have arrived within one little bit of a step of perfecting my invention for exhausting the oxygen in the globe's air during a stretch of two minutes, & of course along comes an obstructor who is inventing something to protect human life. Damn such a world anyway.

What a life this is! Everything we try to do, someone always intrudes and gets in the way. After years of thought and hard work, I've come so close to perfecting my invention for depleting the oxygen in the air for a full two minutes, and of course, here comes someone inventing something to protect human life. Damn this world anyway.

He generally wrote Twichell when he had things to say that were outside of the pale of print. He was sure of an attentive audience of one, and the audience, whether it agreed with him or not, would at least understand him and be honored by his confidence. In one letter of that year he said:

He usually wrote to Twichell when he had things to share that weren't suitable for print. He knew he had one person who would pay attention, and that person, whether in agreement or not, would at least understand him and appreciate his trust. In one letter that year, he said:

I have written you to-day, not to do you a service, but to do myself one. There was bile in me. I had to empty it or lose my day to-morrow. If I tried to empty it into the North American Review—oh, well, I couldn't afford the risk. No, the certainty! The certainty that I wouldn't be satisfied with the result; so I would burn it, & try again to-morrow; burn that and try again the next day. It happens so nearly every time. I have a family to support, & I can't afford this kind of dissipation. Last winter when I was sick I wrote a magazine article three times before I got it to suit me. I Put $500 worth of work on it every day for ten days, & at last when I got it to suit me it contained but 3,000 words-$900. I burned it & said I would reform.

I’m writing to you today, not to help you, but to help myself. I had a lot of frustration built up inside me. I needed to let it out or risk ruining my tomorrow. If I tried to pour it out into the North American Review—well, I just couldn’t take that chance. No, it was a certainty! The certainty that I wouldn’t be happy with the outcome; so I would end up scrapping it and trying again tomorrow; scrap that and try again the next day. It happens almost every time. I have a family to support, and I can’t afford this kind of waste. Last winter when I was sick, I wrote a magazine article three times before I finally got it right. I put about $500 worth of work into it every day for ten days, and in the end, when I was satisfied, it only had 3,000 words—worth $900. I burned it and said I would change my ways.

And I have reformed. I have to work my bile off whenever it gets to where I can't stand it, but I can work it off on you economically, because I don't have to make it suit me. It may not suit you, but that isn't any matter; I'm not writing it for that. I have used you as an equilibrium—restorer more than once in my time, & shall continue, I guess. I would like to use Mr. Rogers, & he is plenty good-natured enough, but it wouldn't be fair to keep him rescuing me from my leather-headed business snarls & make him read interminable bile-irruptions besides; I can't use Howells, he is busy & old & lazy, & won't stand it; I dasn't use Clara, there's things I have to say which she wouldn't put up with—a very dear little ashcat, but has claws. And so—you're It.

And I’ve changed. I have to work my frustration off whenever it gets to a point where I can’t take it anymore, but I can vent to you without it being a problem for me, because I don’t need to make it fit my needs. It might not work for you, but that’s not really the point; I’m not writing it for that. I have relied on you as a balance—restorer more than once in my life, and I guess I’ll keep doing it. I’d like to use Mr. Rogers, and he’s definitely kind enough, but it wouldn’t be fair to keep having him rescue me from my stubborn business messes and then make him read endless complaints too; I can’t use Howells, he’s busy and old and lazy, and he won’t tolerate it; I shouldn’t involve Clara, there are things I need to say that she wouldn’t put up with—a very sweet little lady, but she has her sharp edges. So—you're my go-to.

    [See the preface to the “Autobiography of Mark Twain”: 'I am writing
    from the grave. On these terms only can a man be approximately
    frank. He cannot be straitly and unqualifiedly frank either in the
    grave or out of it.' D.W.]
    [See the preface to the “Autobiography of Mark Twain”: 'I am writing from the grave. This is the only way a person can be somewhat honest. You can't be completely and totally honest whether you're in the grave or out of it.' D.W.]




CCXXXV. A SUMMER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

He took for the summer a house at Dublin, New Hampshire, the home of Henry Copley Greene, Lone Tree Hill, on the Monadnock slope. It was in a lovely locality, and for neighbors there were artists, literary people, and those of kindred pursuits, among them a number of old friends. Colonel Higginson had a place near by, and Abbott H. Thayer, the painter, and George de Forest Brush, and the Raphael Pumpelly family, and many more.

He rented a house in Dublin, New Hampshire for the summer, the home of Henry Copley Greene, located on Lone Tree Hill, on the Monadnock slope. It was set in a beautiful area, surrounded by artists, writers, and others with similar interests, including several old friends. Colonel Higginson had a place nearby, along with painter Abbott H. Thayer, George de Forest Brush, and the Raphael Pumpelly family, among many others.

Colonel Higginson wrote Clemens a letter of welcome as soon as the news got out that he was going to Dublin; and Clemens, answering, said:

Colonel Higginson sent Clemens a welcome letter as soon as it was announced that he was heading to Dublin; and Clemens replied, saying:

    I early learned that you would be my neighbor in the summer & I
    rejoiced, recognizing in you & your family a large asset. I hope
    for frequent intercourse between the two households. I shall have
    my youngest daughter with me. The other one will go from the rest-
    cure in this city to the rest-cure in Norfolk, Connecticut; & we
    shall not see her before autumn. We have not seen her since the
    middle of October.

    Jean, the younger daughter, went to Dublin & saw the house & came
    back charmed with it. I know the Thayers of old—manifestly there
    is no lack of attractions up there. Mrs. Thayer and I were
    shipmates in a wild excursion perilously near 40 years ago.

    Aldrich was here half an hour ago, like a breeze from over the
    fields, with the fragrance still upon his spirit. I am tired
    wanting for that man to get old.
    I learned early on that you'd be my neighbor in the summer, and I was thrilled because I saw you and your family as a great benefit. I hope we can get together often between our two households. I'll have my youngest daughter with me. The other one will move from the wellness retreat in this city to the wellness retreat in Norfolk, Connecticut, and we won't see her until autumn. We haven't seen her since mid-October.

    Jean, my younger daughter, went to Dublin, saw the house, and came back enchanted with it. I know the Thayers from back in the day—clearly, there are plenty of attractions up there. Mrs. Thayer and I were shipmates on a wild trip almost 40 years ago.

    Aldrich was here just half an hour ago, like a fresh breeze from the fields, with that spirit still lingering. I'm tired of waiting for that man to grow old.

They went to Dublin in May, and became at once a part of the summer colony which congregated there. There was much going to and fro among the different houses, pleasant afternoons in the woods, mountain-climbing for Jean, and everywhere a spirit of fine, unpretentious comradeship.

They went to Dublin in May and immediately became part of the summer community that gathered there. People moved between different houses, enjoyed pleasant afternoons in the woods, went mountain-climbing with Jean, and everywhere there was a vibe of genuine, easygoing friendship.

The Copley Greene house was romantically situated, with a charming outlook. Clemens wrote to Twichell:

The Copley Greene house had a picturesque location, offering a delightful view. Clemens wrote to Twichell:

    We like it here in the mountains, in the shadows of Monadnock. It
    is a woody solitude. We have no near neighbors. We have neighbors
    and I can see their houses scattered in the forest distances, for we
    live on a hill. I am astonished to find that I have known 8 of
    these 14 neighbors a long time; 10 years is the shortest; then seven
    beginning with 25 years & running up to 37 years' friendship. It is
    the most remarkable thing I ever heard of.
    We love it here in the mountains, under the shadow of Monadnock. It's a peaceful, wooded retreat. We don’t have any close neighbors. I can see their houses scattered in the distance through the trees since we live on a hill. I’m surprised to discover that I’ve known 8 of these 14 neighbors for a long time; the shortest friendship is 10 years, with seven others ranging from 25 years to 37 years. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard of.

This letter was written in July, and he states in it that he has turned out one hundred thousand words of a large manuscript.. It was a fantastic tale entitled “3,000 Years among the Microbes,” a sort of scientific revel—or revelry—the autobiography of a microbe that had been once a man, and through a failure in a biological experiment transformed into a cholera germ when the experimenter was trying to turn him into a bird. His habitat was the person of a disreputable tramp named Blitzowski, a human continent of vast areas, with seething microbic nations and fantastic life problems. It was a satire, of course—Gulliver's Lilliput outdone—a sort of scientific, socialistic, mathematical jamboree.

This letter was written in July, and it mentions that he has produced one hundred thousand words for a large manuscript. It was an amazing story called “3,000 Years among the Microbes,” a kind of scientific revelry—the autobiography of a microbe that used to be a man and was accidentally turned into a cholera germ during a failed biological experiment where the scientist was trying to change him into a bird. His home was in the body of a shady drifter named Blitzowski, a human landscape filled with vast areas, teeming with microscopic nations and bizarre life challenges. It was a satire, of course—Gulliver's Lilliput taken to another level—a sort of scientific, socialistic, mathematical celebration.

He tired of it before it reached completion, though not before it had attained the proportions of a book of size. As a whole it would hardly have added to his reputation, though it is not without fine and humorous passages, and certainly not without interest. Its chief mission was to divert him mentally that summer during, those days and nights when he would otherwise have been alone and brooding upon his loneliness.—[For extracts from “3,000 Years among the Microbes” see Appendix V, at the end of this work.] MARK TWAIN'S SUGGESTED TITLE-PAGE FOR HIS MICROBE BOOK:

He got tired of it before it was finished, but not before it was big enough to be considered a book. Overall, it probably wouldn’t have improved his reputation, even though it has some really good and funny moments, and it definitely has its interesting parts. Its main purpose was to keep him entertained that summer during those days and nights when he would have otherwise been alone, thinking about his loneliness.—[For extracts from “3,000 Years among the Microbes” see Appendix V, at the end of this work.] MARK TWAIN'S SUGGESTED TITLE-PAGE FOR HIS MICROBE BOOK:

                      3000 YEARS
                   AMONG THE MICROBES

                     By a Microbe

                      WITH NOTES
                  added by the same Hand
                   7000 years later

               Translated from the Original
                      Microbic
                         by

                      Mark Twain
                      3000 YEARS
                   AMONG THE MICROBES

                     By a Microbe

                      WITH NOTES
                  added by the same Hand
                   7000 years later

               Translated from the Original
                      Microbic
                         by

                      Mark Twain

His inability to reproduce faces in his mind's eye he mourned as an increasing calamity. Photographs were lifeless things, and when he tried to conjure up the faces of his dead they seemed to drift farther out of reach; but now and then kindly sleep brought to him something out of that treasure-house where all our realities are kept for us fresh and fair, perhaps for a day when we may claim them again. Once he wrote to Mrs. Crane:

His struggle to visualize faces in his mind was a growing tragedy. Photographs felt empty, and whenever he attempted to recall the faces of those he had lost, they seemed to slip further away; yet sometimes, gentle sleep would gift him glimpses from that vault where all our memories are stored, bright and clear, maybe for a time when we can reclaim them. Once he wrote to Mrs. Crane:

    SUSY DEAR,—I have had a lovely dream. Livy, dressed in black, was
    sitting up in my bed (here) at my right & looking as young & sweet
    as she used to when she was in health. She said, “What is the name
    of your sweet sister?” I said, “Pamela.” “Oh yes, that is it, I
    thought it was—(naming a name which has escaped me) won't you write
    it down for me?” I reached eagerly for a pen & pad, laid my hands
    upon both, then said to myself, “It is only a dream,” and turned
    back sorrowfully & there she was still. The conviction flamed
    through me that our lamented disaster was a dream, & this a reality.
    I said, “How blessed it is, how blessed it is, it was all a dream,
    only a dream!” She only smiled and did not ask what dream I meant,
    which surprised me. She leaned her head against mine & kept saying,
    “I was perfectly sure it was a dream; I never would have believed it
    wasn't.” I think she said several things, but if so they are gone
    from my memory. I woke & did not know I had been dreaming. She was
    gone. I wondered how she could go without my knowing it, but I did
    not spend any thought upon that. I was too busy thinking of how
    vivid & real was the dream that we had lost her, & how unspeakably
    blessed it was to find that it was not true & that she was still
    ours & with us.
    SUSY DEAR,—I had a beautiful dream. Livy, dressed in black, was sitting up in my bed here on my right, looking as young and sweet as she used to when she was healthy. She asked, “What’s the name of your sweet sister?” I replied, “Pamela.” “Oh yes, that’s it, I thought it was—” (a name I can't remember). “Could you write it down for me?” I eagerly reached for a pen and notepad, placed my hands on both, then told myself, “It’s just a dream,” and turned back with sadness, but there she was still. A strong feeling surged through me that our painful loss was a dream, and this was real. I said, “How wonderful it is, how wonderful it is, it was all a dream, just a dream!” She just smiled and didn’t ask what dream I meant, which surprised me. She leaned her head against mine and kept saying, “I was absolutely sure it was a dream; I never would have believed it wasn’t.” I think she said a few more things, but if so, they’ve slipped from my memory. I woke up not realizing I had been dreaming. She was gone. I wondered how she could leave without me noticing, but I didn’t dwell on it. I was too busy thinking about how vivid and real the dream of losing her was, and how incredibly blessed I felt to find out it wasn’t true and that she was still ours and with us.

He had the orchestrelle moved to Dublin, although it was no small undertaking, for he needed the solace of its harmonies; and so the days passed along, and he grew stronger in body and courage as his grief drifted farther behind him. Sometimes, in the afternoon or in the evening; when the neighbors had come in for a little while, he would walk up and down and talk in his old, marvelous way of all the things on land and sea, of the past and of the future, “Of Providence, foreknowledge, will, and fate,” of the friends he had known and of the things he had done, of the sorrow and absurdities of the world.

He had the orchestrelle moved to Dublin, even though it was a big task, because he needed the comfort of its music; and so the days went by, and he grew stronger in body and spirit as his grief faded further behind him. Sometimes, in the afternoon or in the evening, when the neighbors had come over for a bit, he would walk back and forth and speak in his usual, incredible way about everything on land and sea, about the past and the future, “About Providence, foreknowledge, will, and fate,” about the friends he had known and the things he had done, about the sorrow and absurdities of the world.

It was the same old scintillating, incomparable talk of which Howells once said:

It was the same exciting, unmatched conversation that Howells once said:

“We shall never know its like again. When he dies it will die with him.”

"We'll never see its kind again. When he dies, it will die with him."

It was during the summer at Dublin that Clemens and Rogers together made up a philanthropic ruse on Twichell. Twichell, through his own prodigal charities, had fallen into debt, a fact which Rogers knew. Rogers was a man who concealed his philanthropies when he could, and he performed many of them of which the world will never know: In this case he said:

It was during the summer in Dublin that Clemens and Rogers came up with a charitable scheme to trick Twichell. Twichell had gotten into debt due to his own excessive generosity, something Rogers was aware of. Rogers was the kind of person who kept his charitable acts private whenever possible, and he did many good deeds that the public will never know about. In this case, he said:

“Clemens, I want to help Twichell out of his financial difficulty. I will supply the money and you will do the giving. Twichell must think it comes from you.”

“Clemens, I want to help Twichell with his money problems. I’ll provide the funds, and you’ll be the one to offer them. Twichell needs to believe it’s coming from you.”

Clemens agreed to this on the condition that he be permitted to leave a record of the matter for his children, so that he would not appear in a false light to them, and that Twichell should learn the truth of the gift, sooner or later. So the deed was done, and Twichell and his wife lavished their thanks upon Clemens, who, with his wife, had more than once been their benefactors, making the deception easy enough now. Clemens writhed under these letters of gratitude, and forwarded them to Clara in Norfolk, and later to Rogers himself. He pretended to take great pleasure in this part of the conspiracy, but it was not an unmixed delight. To Rogers he wrote:

Clemens agreed to this on the condition that he could leave a record of the situation for his children, so they wouldn’t see him in a misleading way, and that Twichell would eventually learn the truth about the gift. So, it was done, and Twichell and his wife expressed their gratitude to Clemens, who, along with his wife, had previously been their supporters, making the deception easier to manage. Clemens felt uncomfortable with these thank-you letters and sent them to Clara in Norfolk, and later to Rogers himself. He pretended to enjoy this part of the arrangement, but it wasn’t entirely satisfying. He wrote to Rogers:

    I wanted her [Clara] to see what a generous father she's got. I
    didn't tell her it was you, but by and by I want to tell her, when I
    have your consent; then I shall want her to remember the letters. I
    want a record there, for my Life when I am dead, & must be able to
    furnish the facts about the Relief-of-Lucknow-Twichell in case I
    fall suddenly, before I get those facts with your consent, before
    the Twichells themselves.

    I read those letters with immense pride! I recognized that I had
    scored one good deed for sure on my halo account. I haven't had
    anything that tasted so good since the stolen watermelon.

    P. S.-I am hurrying them off to you because I dasn't read them
    again! I should blush to my heels to fill up with this unearned
    gratitude again, pouring out of the thankful hearts of those poor
    swindled people who do not suspect you, but honestly believe I gave
    that money.
I wanted her [Clara] to see what a generous dad she has. I didn't tell her it was you, but eventually, I want to let her know when I have your permission; then I want her to remember the letters. I want a record there for my life when I'm gone, and I need to have the details about the Relief of Lucknow Twichell in case something happens to me suddenly, before I get that information with your consent, before the Twichells themselves.

I read those letters with huge pride! I realized I had definitely done one good deed for my halo account. I haven't had anything that felt that good since the stolen watermelon.

P. S. - I'm sending them off to you quickly because I can't stand to read them again! I would be so embarrassed to be overwhelmed with this unearned gratitude again, coming from the thankful hearts of those poor duped people who have no idea about you but genuinely believe I gave that money.

Mr. Rogers hastily replied:

Mr. Rogers quickly replied:

    MY DEAR CLEMENS,—The letters are lovely. Don't breathe. They are
    so happy! It would be a crime to let them think that you have in
    any way deceived them. I can keep still. You must. I am sending
    you all traces of the crime, so that you may look innocent and tell
    the truth, as you usually do when you think you can escape
    detection. Don't get rattled.

    Seriously. You have done a kindness. You are proud of it, I know.
    You have made your friends happy, and you ought to be so glad as to
    cheerfully accept reproof from your conscience. Joe Wadsworth and I
    once stole a goose and gave it to a poor widow as a Christmas
    present. No crime in that. I always put my counterfeit money on
    the plate. “The passer of the sasser” always smiles at me and I get
    credit for doing generous things. But seriously again, if you do
    feel a little uncomfortable wait until I see you before you tell
    anybody. Avoid cultivating misery. I am trying to loaf ten solid
    days. We do hope to see you soon.
    MY DEAR CLEMENS,—The letters are wonderful. Don't say a word. They are
    so joyful! It would be wrong to let them think you’ve misled them in any way. I can keep quiet. You must too. I'm sending you everything related to the incident, so you can seem innocent and speak the truth, as you usually do when you believe you can avoid being found out. Don’t get flustered.

    Seriously. You've done something kind. I know you're proud of it. You’ve made your friends happy, and you should be glad enough to accept some criticism from your conscience. Joe Wadsworth and I once took a goose and gave it to a poor widow as a Christmas gift. No harm in that. I always place my fake money in the collection plate. “The passer of the sasser” always smiles at me, and I get credit for being generous. But seriously again, if you feel a bit uneasy, wait until I see you before you tell anyone. Avoid dwelling on misery. I’m trying to relax for ten solid days. We really hope to see you soon.

The secret was kept, and the matter presently (and characteristically) passed out of Clemens's mind altogether. He never remembered to tell Twichell, and it is revealed here, according to his wish.

The secret was kept, and, as usual, it quickly faded from Clemens's mind. He never thought to tell Twichell, and it’s being revealed here, just as he wanted.

The Russian-Japanese war was in progress that summer, and its settlement occurred in August. The terms of it did not please Mark Twain. When a newspaper correspondent asked him for an expression of opinion on the subject he wrote:

The Russian-Japanese war was happening that summer, and it was settled in August. Mark Twain was not happy with the terms. When a newspaper reporter asked him for his thoughts on the matter, he wrote:

    Russia was on the highroad to emancipation from an insane and
    intolerable slavery. I was hoping there would be no peace until
    Russian liberty was safe. I think that this was a holy war, in the
    best and noblest sense of that abused term, and that no war was ever
    charged with a higher mission.

    I think there can be no doubt that that mission is now defeated and
    Russia's chain riveted; this time to stay. I think the Tsar will
    now withdraw the small humanities that have been forced from him,
    and resume his medieval barbarisms with a relieved spirit and an
    immeasurable joy. I think Russian liberty has had its last chance
    and has lost it.

    I think nothing has been gained by the peace that is remotely
    comparable to what has been sacrificed by it. One more battle would
    have abolished the waiting chains of billions upon billions of
    unborn Russians, and I wish it could have been fought. I hope I am
    mistaken, yet in all sincerity I believe that this peace is entitled
    to rank as the most conspicuous disaster in political history.
    Russia was on the path to freedom from an insane and unbearable oppression. I hoped there would be no peace until Russian liberty was secured. I believe this was a righteous struggle, in the best and most honorable sense of that often-misused term, and that no war has ever carried a greater purpose.

    I think there is no doubt that that purpose has now been thwarted and Russia's chains are locked in place; this time, to last. I believe the Tsar will now retract the minor reforms that have been forced upon him and revert to his medieval cruelties with a relieved spirit and immense satisfaction. I fear Russian liberty has had its final opportunity and has failed to seize it.

    I don't think anything has been gained by this peace that even comes close to what has been sacrificed. One more battle could have dismantled the looming chains of billions of unborn Russians, and I wish it could have happened. I hope I'm wrong, but with all sincerity, I believe this peace deserves to be remembered as one of the greatest disasters in political history.

It was the wisest public utterance on the subject—the deep, resonant note of truth sounding amid a clamor of foolish joy-bells. It was the message of a seer—the prophecy of a sage who sees with the clairvoyance of knowledge and human understanding. Clemens, a few days later, was invited by Colonel Harvey to dine with Baron Rosen and M. Sergius Witte; but an attack of his old malady—rheumatism—prevented his acceptance. His telegram of declination apparently pleased the Russian officials, for Witte asked permission to publish it, and declared that he was going to take it home to show to the Tsar. It was as follows:

It was the most insightful statement on the topic—the deep, powerful truth cutting through the noise of mindless celebration. It was the insight of a visionary—the prediction of a wise person who understands the world with the clarity of knowledge and human empathy. A few days later, Clemens was invited by Colonel Harvey to have dinner with Baron Rosen and M. Sergius Witte; however, an outbreak of his old condition—rheumatism—stopped him from going. His telegram to decline the invitation seemed to please the Russian officials, as Witte requested to circulate it and said he planned to take it back to show the Tsar. It read as follows:

To COLONEL HARVEY,—I am still a cripple, otherwise I should be more than glad of this opportunity to meet the illustrious magicians who came here equipped with nothing but a pen, & with it have divided the honors of the war with the sword. It is fair to presume that in thirty centuries history will not get done in admiring these men who attempted what the world regarded as the impossible & achieved it.

To Colonel Harvey,—I’m still disabled, or else I would be more than happy to have this chance to meet the famous magicians who came here armed with nothing but a pen, and with it have shared the war's honors with the sword. It’s safe to say that in thirty centuries, history will never stop admiring these men who tried what the world deemed impossible and actually accomplished it.

MARK TWAIN.

Mark Twain.

But this was a modified form. His original draft would perhaps have been less gratifying to that Russian embassy. It read:

But this was a revised version. His original draft might have been less pleasing to the Russian embassy. It said:

    To COLONEL HARVEY,—I am still a cripple, otherwise I should be more
    than glad of this opportunity to meet those illustrious magicians
    who with the pen have annulled, obliterated, & abolished every high
    achievement of the Japanese sword and turned the tragedy of a
    tremendous war into a gay & blithesome comedy. If I may, let me in
    all respect and honor salute them as my fellow-humorists, I taking
    third place, as becomes one who was not born to modesty, but by
    diligence & hard work is acquiring it.
                                       MARK.
    To COLONEL HARVEY, — I’m still a cripple; otherwise, I would be really happy to meet those legendary writers who have erased every great accomplishment of the Japanese sword and transformed the tragedy of a huge war into a lighthearted comedy. If I may, let me respectfully and honorably greet them as my fellow humorists, with me taking third place, as is fitting for someone who wasn’t born modest but is working hard to develop it.  
                                       MARK.

There was still another form, brief and expressive:

There was still another form, short and impactful:

DEAR COLONEL,—No, this is a love-feast; when you call a lodge of sorrow send for me. MARK.

DEAR COLONEL,—No, this is a gathering of joy; when you organize a meeting of sorrow, let me know. MARK.

Clemens's war sentiment was given the widest newspaper circulation, and brought him many letters, most of them applauding his words. Charles Francis Adams wrote him:

Clemens's views on the war were widely circulated in newspapers, and he received many letters, most of which praised his comments. Charles Francis Adams wrote to him:

    It attracted my attention because it so exactly expresses the views
    I have myself all along entertained.
It caught my attention because it perfectly reflects the views I have always held.

And this was the gist of most of the expressed sentiments which came to him.

And this was the main point of most of the feelings shared with him.

Clemens wrote a number of things that summer, among them a little essay entitled, “The Privilege of the Grave”—that is to say, free speech. He was looking forward, he said, to the time when he should inherit that privilege, when some of the things he had said, written and laid away, could be published without damage to his friends or family. An article entitled, “Interpreting the Deity,” he counted as among the things to be uttered when he had entered into that last great privilege. It is an article on the reading of signs and auguries in all ages to discover the intentions of the Almighty, with historical examples of God's judgments and vindications. Here is a fair specimen. It refers to the chronicle of Henry Huntington:

Clemens wrote several pieces that summer, including a short essay called “The Privilege of the Grave”—meaning free speech. He looked forward to the time when he would have that privilege, when some of the things he had said, written, and set aside could be published without harming his friends or family. He considered an article titled “Interpreting the Deity” as one of the things to be shared once he had reached that final great privilege. It discusses the interpretation of signs and omens throughout history to uncover the intentions of the Almighty, with historical examples of God's judgments and vindications. Here’s a good example. It refers to the chronicle of Henry Huntington:

    All through this book Henry exhibits his familiarity with the
    intentions of God and with the reasons for the intentions.
    Sometimes very often, in fact—the act follows the intention after
    such a wide interval of time that one wonders how Henry could fit
    one act out of a hundred to one intention, and get the thing right
    every time, when there was such abundant choice among acts and
    intentions. Sometimes a man offends the Deity with a crime, and is
    punished for it thirty years later; meantime he has committed a
    million other crimes: no matter, Henry can pick out the one that
    brought the worms. Worms were generally used in those days for the
    slaying of particularly wicked people. This has gone out now, but
    in the old times it was a favorite. It always indicated a case of
    “wrath.” For instance:

    “The just God avenging Robert Fitzhildebrand's perfidity, a worm
    grew in his vitals which, gradually gnawing its way through his
    intestines, fattened on the abandoned man till, tortured with
    excruciating sufferings and venting himself in bitter moans, he was
    by a fitting punishment brought to his end” (p. 400).

    It was probably an alligator, but we cannot tell; we only know it
    was a particular breed, and only used to convey wrath. Some
    authorities think it was an ichthyosaurus, but there is much doubt.
All throughout this book, Henry shows his understanding of God's intentions and the reasons behind them. Often—actually, quite frequently—the action happens so long after the intention that you wonder how Henry manages to connect one action out of a hundred to a single intention and get it right every time, considering the many choices available among actions and intentions. Sometimes a person sins against God and is punished for it thirty years later; in the meantime, they've committed countless other sins. Regardless, Henry can identify the one that led to the punishment. Back in those days, worms were often used as a form of punishment for particularly wicked individuals. This practice has faded away now, but it used to be quite popular. It was always seen as a sign of “wrath.” For example:

“The just God avenging Robert Fitzhildebrand's betrayal, a worm grew in his insides which, gradually gnawing its way through his intestines, fed on the forsaken man until, tormented with excruciating pain and expressing himself with bitter moans, he was fittingly brought to his end” (p. 400).

It was probably an alligator, but we can't say for sure; we only know it was a specific type, used solely to express wrath. Some experts believe it was an ichthyosaurus, but that's highly debatable.

The entire article is in this amusing, satirical strain, and might well enough be printed to-day. It is not altogether clear why it was withheld, even then.

The whole article is written in this funny, satirical style and could easily be published today. It's not entirely clear why it was held back back then.

He finished his Eve's Diary that summer, and wrote a story which was originally planned to oblige Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske, to aid her in a crusade against bullfighting in Spain. Mrs. Fiske wrote him that she had read his dog story, written against the cruelties of vivisection, and urged him to do something to save the horses that, after faithful service, were sacrificed in the bull-ring. Her letter closed:

He finished his Eve's Diary that summer and wrote a story initially intended to help Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske in her campaign against bullfighting in Spain. Mrs. Fiske told him she had read his dog story, which was against the cruelty of vivisection, and encouraged him to take action to save the horses that, after their loyal service, were killed in the bullring. Her letter ended:

    I have lain awake nights very often wondering if I dare ask you to
    write a story of an old horse that is finally given over to the
    bull-ring. The story you would write would do more good than all
    the laws we are trying to have made and enforced for the prevention
    of cruelty to animals in Spain. We would translate and circulate
    the story in that country. I have wondered if you would ever write
    it.

    With most devoted homage,
                         Sincerely yours,
                                MINNIE MADDERN FISKE.
    I have often lain awake at night, wondering if I should ask you to write a story about an old horse that is finally sent to the bullring. The story you would create would be more impactful than all the laws we are trying to establish and enforce to prevent animal cruelty in Spain. We would translate and share the story in that country. I've been curious if you would ever write it.

    With my deepest respect,
                         Sincerely yours,
                                MINNIE MADDERN FISKE.

Clemens promptly replied:

Clemens responded immediately:

DEAR MRS. FISKE, I shall certainly write the story. But I may not get it to suit me, in which case it will go in the fire. Later I will try it again—& yet again—& again. I am used to this. It has taken me twelve years to write a short story—the shortest one I ever wrote, I think.—[Probably “The Death Disk:”]—So do not be discouraged; I will stick to this one in the same way.

DEAR MRS. FISKE, I will definitely write the story. However, if it doesn’t meet my standards, it will go right in the fire. Later, I’ll try again—and again—and again. I’m used to this. It took me twelve years to write a short story—the shortest one I think I’ve ever written.—[Probably “The Death Disk:”]—So don’t be discouraged; I’ll keep at this one in the same way.

                  Sincerely yours,
                                   S. L. CLEMENS.
Best regards,  
                                   S. L. CLEMENS.

It was an inspiring subject, and he began work on it immediately. Within a month from the time he received Mrs. Fiske's letter he had written that pathetic, heartbreaking little story, “A Horse's Tale,” and sent it to Harper's Magazine for illustration. In a letter written to Mr. Duneka at the time, he tells of his interest in the narrative, and adds:

It was an inspiring topic, and he started working on it right away. Within a month of receiving Mrs. Fiske's letter, he had written that touching, heartbreaking little story, “A Horse's Tale,” and sent it to Harper's Magazine for illustrations. In a letter to Mr. Duneka at that time, he shares his enthusiasm for the story and adds:

    This strong interest is natural, for the heroine is my small
    daughter Susy, whom we lost. It was not intentional—it was a good
    while before I found it out, so I am sending you her picture to use
    —& to reproduce with photographic exactness the unsurpassable
    expression & all. May you find an artist who has lost an idol.
    This strong interest makes sense because the heroine is my little daughter Susy, whom we lost. It wasn’t intentional—it took me a while to realize it, so I’m sending you her picture to use—and to reproduce with photographic accuracy the unmatched expression and everything. I hope you find an artist who has lost an idol.

He explains how he had put in a good deal of work, with his secretary, on the orchestrelle to get the bugle-calls.

He explains how he had put in a lot of work, with his assistant, on the orchestrelle to get the bugle calls.

    We are to do these theatricals this evening with a couple of
    neighbors for audience, and then pass the hat.
    We're going to put on a show this evening for a few neighbors, and then we'll take up a collection.

It is not one of Mark Twain's greatest stories, but its pathos brings the tears, and no one can read it without indignation toward the custom which it was intended to oppose. When it was published, a year later, Mrs. Fiske sent him her grateful acknowledgments, and asked permission to have it printed for pamphlet circulation m Spain.

It's not one of Mark Twain's best stories, but it really tugs at the heartstrings, and no one can read it without feeling angry about the custom it was meant to challenge. When it was published a year later, Mrs. Fiske sent him her heartfelt thanks and asked if she could have it printed for pamphlet distribution in Spain.

A number of more or less notable things happened in this, Mark Twain's seventieth year. There was some kind of a reunion going on in California, and he was variously invited to attend. Robert Fulton, of Nevada, was appointed a committee of one to invite him to Reno for a great celebration which was to be held there. Clemens replied that he remembered, as if it were but yesterday, when he had disembarked from the Overland stage in front of the Ormsby Hotel, in Carson City, and told how he would like to accept the invitation.

A number of notable events took place in Mark Twain's seventieth year. There was a reunion happening in California, and he received several invitations to attend. Robert Fulton from Nevada was designated as a one-person committee to invite him to Reno for a major celebration. Clemens responded that he vividly remembered, as if it were just yesterday, when he got off the Overland stage in front of the Ormsby Hotel in Carson City, and expressed his desire to accept the invitation.

If I were a few years younger I would accept it, and promptly, and I would go. I would let somebody else do the oration, but as for me I would talk—just talk. I would renew my youth; and talk—and talk—and talk—and have the time of my life! I would march the unforgotten and unforgetable antiques by, and name their names, and give them reverent hail and farewell as they passed—Goodman, McCarthy, Gillis, Curry, Baldwin, Winters, Howard, Nye, Stewart, Neely Johnson, Hal Clayton, North, Root—and my brother, upon whom be peace!—and then the desperadoes, who made life a joy, and the “slaughter-house,” a precious possession: Sam Brown, Farmer Pete, Bill Mayfield, Six-fingered Jake, Jack Williams, and the rest of the crimson discipleship, and so on, and so on. Believe me, I would start a resurrection it would do you more good to look at than the next one will, if you go on the way you are going now.

If I were a few years younger, I would totally accept it right away and just go. I’d let someone else handle the speech, but I’d just talk—plain and simple. I would reclaim my youth; I’d talk—and talk—and talk—and have the time of my life! I’d bring up all the unforgettable characters from the past and name them, giving them a respectful salute as they went by—Goodman, McCarthy, Gillis, Curry, Baldwin, Winters, Howard, Nye, Stewart, Neely Johnson, Hal Clayton, North, Root—and my brother, may he rest in peace!—and then the wild ones, who made life so enjoyable and the “slaughter-house” a treasured memory: Sam Brown, Farmer Pete, Bill Mayfield, Six-fingered Jake, Jack Williams, and the rest of the legendary crew, and so on, and so on. Trust me, I’d start a revival that would be more uplifting to see than the next one if you keep going the way you are now.

Those were the days!—those old ones. They will come no more; youth will come no more. They were so full to the brim with the wine of life; there have been no others like them. It chokes me up to think of them. Would you like me to come out there and cry? It would not beseem my white head.

Those were the days!—the old ones. They won't come back; youth won't come back. They were so overflowing with the joy of life; there haven't been any others like them. It makes me emotional to think about them. Would you like me to come out there and cry? It wouldn’t be fitting for my gray hair.

Good-by. I drink to you all. Have a good time-and take an old man's blessing.

Goodbye. I raise my glass to all of you. Enjoy yourselves—and take the blessing of an old man.

In reply to another invitation from H. H. Bancroft, of San Francisco, he wrote that his wandering days were over, and that it was his purpose to sit by the fire for the rest of his “remnant of life.”

In response to another invitation from H. H. Bancroft in San Francisco, he wrote that his traveling days were behind him, and that he intended to sit by the fire for the remainder of his "remaining life."

    A man who, like me, is going to strike 70 on the 30th of next
    November has no business to be flitting around the way Howells does
    —that shameless old fictitious butterfly. (But if he comes don't
    tell him I said it, for it would hurt him & I wouldn't brush a flake
    of powder from his wing for anything. I only say it in envy of his
    indestructible youth anyway. Howells will be 88 in October.)
    A man who, like me, is turning 70 on the 30th of next November shouldn't be fluttering around like Howells does—that shameless old phony butterfly. (But if he comes, don’t tell him I said that, because it would hurt him, and I wouldn’t brush a speck of dust off his wing for anything. I only say it out of envy for his indestructible youth anyway. Howells will be 88 in October.)

And it was either then or on a similar occasion that he replied after this fashion:

And it was either then or on a similar occasion that he responded like this:

    I have done more for San Francisco than any other of its old
    residents. Since I left there it has increased in population fully
    300,000. I could have done more—I could have gone earlier—it was
    suggested.
    I have done more for San Francisco than any other long-time resident. Since I left, its population has grown by about 300,000. I could have done more—I could have gone back sooner—it was suggested.

Which, by the way, is a perfect example of Mark Twain's humorous manner, the delicately timed pause, and the afterthought. Most humorists would have been contented to end with the statement, “I could have gone earlier.” Only Mark Twain could have added that final exquisite touch—“it was suggested.”

Which, by the way, is a perfect example of Mark Twain's funny style, the well-timed pause, and the afterthought. Most comedians would be satisfied to end with the line, “I could have gone earlier.” Only Mark Twain could have added that final, brilliant touch—“it was suggested.”





CCXXXVI. AT PIER 70

Mark Twain was nearing seventy, the scriptural limitation of life, and the returns were coming in. Some one of the old group was dying all the time. The roll-call returned only a scattering answer. Of his oldest friends, Charles Henry Webb, John Hay, and Sir Henry Irving, all died that year. When Hay died Clemens gave this message to the press:

Mark Twain was approaching seventy, the biblical limit of life, and the news was coming in. Someone from his old circle was passing away all the time. The roll call offered only a few responses. Of his oldest friends, Charles Henry Webb, John Hay, and Sir Henry Irving, all died that year. When Hay died, Clemens sent this message to the press:

    I am deeply grieved, & I mourn with the nation this loss which is
    irreparable. My friendship with Mr. Hay & my admiration of him
    endured 38 years without impairment.
    I am deeply saddened, and I share in the nation's mourning for this irreplaceable loss. My friendship with Mr. Hay and my admiration for him lasted 38 years without any damage.

It was only a little earlier that he had written Hay an anonymous letter, a copy of which he preserved. It here follows:

It was just a little while ago that he wrote Hay an anonymous letter, a copy of which he kept. Here it is:

    DEAR & HONORED SIR,—I never hear any one speak of you & of your
    long roll of illustrious services in other than terms of pride &
    praise—& out of the heart. I think I am right in believing you to
    be the only man in the civil service of the country the cleanness of
    whose motives is never questioned by any citizen, & whose acts
    proceed always upon a broad & high plane, never by accident or
    pressure of circumstance upon a narrow or low one. There are
    majorities that are proud of more than one of the nation's great
    servants, but I believe, & I think I know, that you are the only one
    of whom the entire nation is proud. Proud & thankful.

    Name & address are lacking here, & for a purpose: to leave you no
    chance to make my words a burden to you and a reproach to me, who
    would lighten your burdens if I could, not add to them.
    DEAR & HONORED SIR,—I never hear anyone talk about you and your long list of impressive contributions without expressing pride and admiration—straight from the heart. I believe you are the only person in the civil service of the country whose integrity is never questioned by any citizen, and whose actions always come from a broad and noble perspective, not influenced by chance or pressure of circumstances in a narrow or low way. There are majorities that take pride in more than one of the nation’s great leaders, but I believe—and I think I know—that you are the only one whom the entire nation admires. Proud and thankful.

    Name & address are intentionally omitted here: to ensure you don’t feel my words are a burden to you or a reproach to me, as I would prefer to ease your burdens, not add to them.

Irving died in October, and Clemens ordered a wreath for his funeral. To MacAlister he wrote:

Irving died in October, and Clemens ordered a wreath for his funeral. To MacAlister he wrote:

    I profoundly grieve over Irving's death. It is another reminder.
    My section of the procession has but a little way to go. I could
    not be very sorry if I tried.
    I deeply mourn Irving's death. It's another reminder. My part of the procession has only a short distance left to go. I couldn't be more sorry if I tried.

Mark Twain, nearing seventy, felt that there was not much left for him to celebrate; and when Colonel Harvey proposed a birthday gathering in his honor, Clemens suggested a bohemian assembly over beer and sandwiches in some snug place, with Howells, Henry Rogers, Twichell, Dr. Rice, Dr. Edward Quintard, Augustus Thomas, and such other kindred souls as were still left to answer the call. But Harvey had something different in view: something more splendid even than the sixty-seventh birthday feast, more pretentious, indeed, than any former literary gathering. He felt that the attainment of seventy years by America's most distinguished man of letters and private citizen was a circumstance which could not be moderately or even modestly observed. The date was set five days later than the actual birthday—that is to say, on December 5th, in order that it might not conflict with the various Thanksgiving holidays and occasions. Delmonico's great room was chosen for the celebration of it, and invitations were sent out to practically every writer of any distinction in America, and to many abroad. Of these nearly two hundred accepted, while such as could not come sent pathetic regrets.

Mark Twain, approaching seventy, felt there wasn’t much left for him to celebrate; so when Colonel Harvey suggested a birthday event in his honor, Clemens proposed a casual gathering over beer and sandwiches in a cozy spot, inviting Howells, Henry Rogers, Twichell, Dr. Rice, Dr. Edward Quintard, Augustus Thomas, and other like-minded friends who were still around. But Harvey had something different in mind: something grander than the celebration for his sixty-seventh birthday, more extravagant than any previous literary gathering. He believed that the milestone of seventy years for America’s most distinguished man of letters and private citizen was an occasion that deserved more than a simple or humble acknowledgment. The date was set for five days after the actual birthday—December 5th—to avoid conflicting with the various Thanksgiving holidays. Delmonico's grand room was selected for the celebration, and invitations were sent out to nearly every notable writer in America and many from abroad. Almost two hundred accepted, while those who couldn’t make it sent their regrets.

What an occasion it was! The flower of American literature gathered to do honor to its chief. The whole atmosphere of the place seemed permeated with his presence, and when Colonel Harvey presented William Dean Howells, and when Howells had read another double-barreled sonnet, and introduced the guest of the evening with the words, “I will not say, 'O King, live forever,' but, 'O King, live as long as you like!'” and Mark Twain rose, his snow-white hair gleaming above that brilliant assembly, it seemed that a world was speaking out in a voice of applause and welcome. With a great tumult the throng rose, a billow of life, the white handkerchiefs flying foam-like on its crest. Those who had gathered there realized that it was a mighty moment, not only in his life but in theirs. They were there to see this supreme embodiment of the American spirit as he scaled the mountain-top. He, too, realized the drama of that moment—the marvel of it—and he must have flashed a swift panoramic view backward over the long way he had come, to stand, as he had himself once expressed it, “for a single, splendid moment on the Alps of fame outlined against the sun.” He must have remembered; for when he came to speak he went back to the very beginning, to his very first banquet, as he called it, when, as he said, “I hadn't any hair; I hadn't any teeth; I hadn't any clothes.” He sketched the meagerness of that little hamlet which had seen his birth, sketched it playfully, delightfully, so that his hearers laughed and shouted; but there was always a tenderness under it all, and often the tears were not far beneath the surface. He told of his habits of life, how he had attained seventy years by simply sticking to a scheme of living which would kill anybody else; how he smoked constantly, loathed exercise, and had no other regularity of habits. Then, at last, he reached that wonderful, unforgetable close:

What an amazing event it was! The best of American literature came together to honor its leader. The whole atmosphere felt filled with his presence, and when Colonel Harvey introduced William Dean Howells, who then read another double-barreled sonnet and introduced the evening's guest with the words, “I won’t say, 'O King, live forever,' but, 'O King, live as long as you want!'” Mark Twain stood up, his snow-white hair shining above the brilliant crowd, and it felt like the whole world was applauding and welcoming him. With great excitement, the crowd rose, a wave of energy, white handkerchiefs flying like foam on top. Those who were gathered there understood that it was a significant moment, not just in his life but in theirs too. They were there to witness this ultimate expression of the American spirit as he reached the peak of his success. He understood the significance of that moment—the incredible nature of it—and he must have quickly looked back over the long journey he had taken to stand, as he once described, “for a single, splendid moment on the Alps of fame outlined against the sun.” He must have remembered; because when he spoke, he went right back to the very start, to his first banquet, as he called it, when, as he said, “I didn’t have any hair; I didn’t have any teeth; I didn’t have any clothes.” He playfully and delightfully sketched the simplicity of the little town where he was born, making his listeners laugh and cheer, but there was always a touch of tenderness beneath it all, and sometimes the tears were close to the surface. He shared details about his lifestyle, how he reached seventy years by sticking to a routine that would probably kill anyone else; how he smoked all the time, disliked exercise, and had no real regular habits. Then, finally, he reached that wonderful, unforgettable conclusion:

    Threescore years and ten!

    It is the scriptural statute of limitations. After that you owe no
    active duties; for you the strenuous life is over. You are a time-
    expired man, to use Kipling's military phrase: You have served your
    term, well or less well, and you are mustered out. You are become
    an honorary member of the republic, you are emancipated, compulsions
    are not for you, nor any bugle-call but “lights out.” You pay the
    time-worn duty bills if you choose, or decline if you prefer—and
    without prejudice—for they are not legally collectable.

    The previous-engagement plea, which in forty years has cost you so
    many twinges, you can lay aside forever; on this side of the grave
    you will never need it again. If you shrink at thought of night,
    and winter, and the late homecomings from the banquet and the lights
    and laughter through the deserted streets—a desolation which would
    not remind you now, as for a generation it did, that your friends
    are sleeping and you must creep in a-tiptoe and not disturb them,
    but would only remind you that you need not tiptoe, you can never
    disturb them more—if you shrink at the thought of these things you
    need only reply, “Your invitation honors me and pleases me because
    you still keep me in your remembrance, but I am seventy; seventy,
    and would nestle in the chimney-corner, and smoke my pipe, and read
    my book, and take my rest, wishing you well in all affection, and
    that when you in your turn shall arrive at Pier 70 you may step
    aboard your waiting ship with a reconciled spirit, and lay your
    course toward the sinking sun with a contented heart.”
 
    Seventy years!

    That's the biblical limit on life. After that, you have no active responsibilities; the intense part of life is done for you. You're a time-expired person, to borrow Kipling's military term: you've completed your tour, whether well or poorly, and now you're discharged. You’ve become an honorary member of society, you’re free, obligations don’t apply to you, nor any summons but "lights out." You can choose to pay those old duty bills, or you can skip them if you want—and it won't matter—because they can't be legally enforced.

    The excuse of previous commitments, which over the past forty years has caused you so many pangs, can be set aside forever; on this side of death, you’ll never need it again. If you feel uneasy thinking about night, winter, and the late returns from the parties, with lights and laughter echoing down the empty streets—a loneliness that won’t remind you now, as it did for a generation, that your friends are gone and that you should tiptoe in to avoid waking them—but will only remind you that you don’t need to tiptoe anymore, as you can never disturb them again—if that makes you uncomfortable, you can simply reply, "Your invitation is flattering and delights me because you still remember me, but I am seventy; seventy, and I’d rather settle by the fire, smoke my pipe, read my book, and take my rest, wishing you well with all my heart, and hoping that when it’s your turn to reach Pier 70, you can board your waiting ship with peace in your heart and set your course toward the setting sun with satisfaction."

The tears that had been lying in wait were not restrained now. If there were any present who did not let them flow without shame, who did not shout their applause from throats choked with sobs, the writer of these lines failed to see them or to hear of them. There was not one who was ashamed to pay the great tribute of tears.

The tears that had been waiting were no longer held back. If there was anyone there who didn’t let them flow freely, who didn’t express their applause through choked sobs, the writer of these lines couldn’t see or hear them. Everyone was unashamed to pay the heartfelt tribute of tears.

Many of his old friends, one after another, rose to tell their love for him—Brander Matthews, Cable, Kate Douglas Riggs, Gilder, Carnegie, Bangs, Bacheller—they kept it up far into the next morning. No other arrival at Pier 70 ever awoke a grander welcome.

Many of his old friends, one after another, stood up to express their love for him—Brander Matthews, Cable, Kate Douglas Riggs, Gilder, Carnegie, Bangs, Bacheller—they continued well into the next morning. No other arrival at Pier 70 ever received a more magnificent welcome.





CCXXXVII. AFTERMATH

The announcement of the seventieth birthday dinner had precipitated a perfect avalanche of letters, which continued to flow in until the news accounts of it precipitated another avalanche. The carriers' bags were stuffed with greetings that came from every part of the world, from every class of humanity. They were all full of love and tender wishes. A card signed only with initials said: “God bless your old sweet soul for having lived.”

The announcement of the seventieth birthday dinner triggered a massive influx of letters, which kept coming in until the news coverage caused another wave. The mail carriers' bags were packed with messages from all over the world, from every kind of person. Each one was filled with love and kind wishes. One card, signed only with initials, read: “God bless your dear old soul for having lived.”

Aldrich, who could not attend the dinner, declared that all through the evening he had been listening in his mind to a murmur of voices in the hall at Delmonico's. A group of English authors in London combined in a cable of congratulations. Anstey, Alfred Austin, Balfour, Barrie, Bryce, Chesterton, Dobson, Doyle, Gosse, Hardy, Hope, Jacobs, Kipling, Lang, Parker, Tenniel, Watson, and Zangwill were among the signatures.

Aldrich, who couldn't make it to the dinner, said that all evening he had been mentally listening to a murmur of voices in the hall at Delmonico's. A group of English authors in London got together to send a congratulatory cable. Anstey, Alfred Austin, Balfour, Barrie, Bryce, Chesterton, Dobson, Doyle, Gosse, Hardy, Hope, Jacobs, Kipling, Lang, Parker, Tenniel, Watson, and Zangwill were some of the names on the list.

Helen Keller wrote:

Helen Keller said:

    And you are seventy years old? Or is the report exaggerated, like
    that of your death? I remember, when I saw you last, at the house
    of dear Mr. Hutton, in Princeton, you said:

    “If a man is a pessimist before he is forty-eight he knows too much.
    If he is an optimist after he is forty-eight he knows too little.”

    Now we know you are an optimist, and nobody would dare to accuse one
    on the “seven-terraced summit” of knowing little. So probably you
    are not seventy after all, but only forty-seven!
And you’re seventy years old? Or is that report exaggerated, like the one about your death? I remember when I last saw you at dear Mr. Hutton’s house in Princeton, you said:

“If a man is a pessimist before he’s forty-eight, he knows too much. If he’s an optimist after he’s forty-eight, he knows too little.”

Well, we can see you're an optimist, and no one would dare say someone on the “seven-terraced summit” knows little. So you’re probably not seventy after all, but only forty-seven!

Helen Keller was right. Mark Twain was not a pessimist in his heart, but only by premeditation. It was his observation and his logic that led him to write those things that, even in their bitterness, somehow conveyed that spirit of human sympathy which is so closely linked to hope. To Miss Keller he wrote:

Helen Keller was right. Mark Twain wasn't a pessimist at heart; he just acted that way on purpose. His observations and logic made him write things that, even in their bitterness, somehow expressed a spirit of human sympathy that's closely tied to hope. He wrote to Miss Keller:

“Oh, thank you for your lovely words!”

“Oh, thank you for your kind words!”

He was given another birthday celebration that month—this time by the Society of Illustrators. Dan Beard, president, was also toast-master; and as he presented Mark Twain there was a trumpet-note, and a lovely girl, costumed as Joan of Arc, entered and, approaching him, presented him with a laurel wreath. It was planned and carried out as a surprise to him, and he hardly knew for the moment whether it was a vision or a reality. He was deeply affected, so much so that for several moments he could not find his voice to make any acknowledgments.

He had another birthday celebration that month—this time hosted by the Society of Illustrators. Dan Beard, the president, also acted as the toastmaster; and as he introduced Mark Twain, a trumpet sounded, and a beautiful girl dressed as Joan of Arc walked in, approached him, and placed a laurel wreath on his head. It was all planned as a surprise for him, and he could hardly tell for a moment whether it was a dream or real life. He was so moved that he struggled to find his voice to express his gratitude for several moments.

Clemens was more than ever sought now, and he responded when the cause was a worthy one. He spoke for the benefit of the Russian sufferers at the Casino on December 18th. Madame Sarah Bernhardt was also there, and spoke in French. He followed her, declaring that it seemed a sort of cruelty to inflict upon an audience our rude English after hearing that divine speech flowing in that lucid Gallic tongue.

Clemens was in high demand now, and he agreed to speak when it was for a good cause. He gave a talk for the benefit of the Russian victims at the Casino on December 18th. Madame Sarah Bernhardt was there too and spoke in French. He followed her, saying that it felt a bit harsh to subject an audience to our clumsy English after they had just heard her beautiful words flowing in that clear French.

    It has always been a marvel to me—that French language; it has
    always been a puzzle to me. How beautiful that language is! How
    expressive it seems to be! How full of grace it is!

    And when it comes from lips like those, how eloquent and how limpid
    it is! And, oh, I am always deceived—I always think I am going to
    understand it.

    It is such a delight to me, such a delight to me, to meet Madame
    Bernhardt, and laugh hand to hand and heart to heart with her. I
    have seen her play, as we all have, and, oh, that is divine; but I
    have always wanted to know Madame Bernhardt herself—her fiery self.
    I have wanted to know that beautiful character.

    Why, she is the youngest person I ever saw, except myself—for I
    always feel young when I come in the presence of young people.
    It's always been a wonder to me—that French language; it's always been a puzzle. How beautiful it is! How expressive it seems! How graceful it is!

    And when it comes from lips like those, how eloquent and clear it is! Oh, I'm always misled—I always think I'm going to understand it.

    It brings me such joy, such joy, to meet Madame Bernhardt, and to laugh hand in hand and heart to heart with her. I've seen her perform, as we all have, and oh, that's amazing; but I've always wanted to know Madame Bernhardt herself—her fiery self. I've wanted to discover that beautiful personality.

    Honestly, she's the youngest person I've ever seen, besides myself—because I always feel young when I'm around young people.

And truly, at seventy, Mark Twain was young, his manner, his movement, his point of view-these were all, and always, young.

And really, at seventy, Mark Twain was youthful; his demeanor, his movements, his perspective—these were all, and always would be, youthful.

A number of palmists about that time examined impressions of his hand without knowledge as to the owner, and they all agreed that it was the hand of a man with the characteristics of youth, with inspiration, and enthusiasm, and sympathy—a lover of justice and of the sublime. They all agreed, too, that he was a deep philosopher, though, alas! they likewise agreed that he lacked the sense of humor, which is not as surprising as it sounds, for with Mark Twain humor was never mere fun-making nor the love of it; rather it was the flower of his philosophy—its bloom and fragrance.

Several palmists at that time examined the impressions of his hand without knowing who it belonged to, and they all agreed that it was the hand of a young man, filled with inspiration, enthusiasm, and compassion—a lover of justice and the extraordinary. They also concurred that he was a profound thinker, but sadly, they all agreed that he lacked a sense of humor, which isn't as odd as it may seem, because for Mark Twain, humor was never just about making jokes or enjoying it; it was the essence of his philosophy—its beauty and allure.

When the fanfare and drum-beat of his birthday honors had passed by, and a moment of calm had followed, Mark Twain set down some reflections on the new estate he had achieved. The little paper, which forms a perfect pendant to the “Seventieth Birthday Speech,” here follows:

When the celebration and excitement of his birthday honors faded, and a moment of quiet came, Mark Twain wrote down some thoughts on the new status he had attained. The short piece, which perfectly complements the “Seventieth Birthday Speech,” follows here:

                    OLD AGE

    I think it likely that people who have not been here will be
    interested to know what it is like. I arrived on the thirtieth of
    November, fresh from carefree & frivolous 69, & was disappointed.

    There is nothing novel about it, nothing striking, nothing to thrill
    you & make your eye glitter & your tongue cry out, “Oh, it is
    wonderful, perfectly wonderful!” Yes, it is disappointing. You
    say, “Is this it?—this? after all this talk and fuss of a thousand
    generations of travelers who have crossed this frontier & looked
    about them & told what they saw & felt? Why, it looks just like
    69.”

    And that is true. Also it is natural, for you have not come by the
    fast express; you have been lagging & dragging across the world's
    continents behind oxen; when that is your pace one country melts
    into the next one so gradually that you are not able to notice the
    change; 70 looks like 69; 69 looked like 68; 68 looked like 67—& so
    on back & back to the beginning. If you climb to a summit & look
    back—ah, then you see!

    Down that far-reaching perspective you can make out each country &
    climate that you crossed, all the way up from the hot equator to the
    ice-summit where you are perched. You can make out where Infancy
    verged into Boyhood; Boyhood into down-lipped Youth; Youth into
    bearded, indefinite Young-Manhood; indefinite Young-Manhood into
    definite Manhood; definite Manhood, with large, aggressive
    ambitions, into sobered & heedful Husbandhood & Fatherhood; these
    into troubled & foreboding Age, with graying hair; this into Old
    Age, white-headed, the temple empty, the idols broken, the
    worshipers in their graves, nothing left but You, a remnant, a
    tradition, belated fag-end of a foolish dream, a dream that was so
    ingeniously dreamed that it seemed real all the time; nothing left
    but You, center of a snowy desolation, perched on the ice-summit,
    gazing out over the stages of that long trek & asking Yourself,
    “Would you do it again if you had the chance?”
 
                    OLD AGE

    I think it's likely that people who haven't been here will be
    curious about what it's like. I arrived on November 30th, fresh from carefree and frivolous 69, and was disappointed.

    There’s nothing new about it, nothing striking, nothing to thrill
    you and make your eyes shine and your mouth say, “Oh, it’s
    amazing, absolutely amazing!” Yes, it’s disappointing. You think, “Is this it?—this? After all the talk and hype from a thousand
    generations of travelers who’ve crossed this border and looked
    around and shared what they saw and felt? It looks just like
    69.”

    And that’s true. It’s also natural, because you didn’t come in
    a fast train; you’ve lagged and dragged across the continents
    behind oxen. When that’s your pace, one country blends into the
    next so slowly that you can’t notice the change; 70 looks like 69; 69 looked like 68; 68 looked like 67—and so on back to the
    beginning. If you climb to a summit and look back—ah, then you see!

    From that far-reaching perspective, you can make out each country and
    climate you crossed, all the way from the hot equator to the icy peak
    where you are perched. You can see where Infancy turned into Boyhood; 
    Boyhood into moody Youth; Youth into undefined Young Manhood; 
    undefined Young Manhood into settled Manhood; settled Manhood, with big,
    ambitious dreams, into responsible Husbandhood and Fatherhood; 
    these into troubled and worrisome Age, with graying hair; this into Old
    Age, white-headed, the mind empty, the dreams shattered, the
    admirers in their graves, nothing left but You, a remnant, a 
    tradition, the last flicker of a foolish dream, a dream so cleverly
    dreamt that it felt real all the time; nothing left but You, at the center of a snowy desolation, sitting on the icy peak,
    staring out over the stages of that long journey and asking Yourself,
    “Would you do it again if you had the chance?”




CCXXXVIII. THE WRITER MEETS MARK TWAIN

We have reached a point in this history where the narrative becomes mainly personal, and where, at the risk of inviting the charge of egotism, the form of the telling must change.

We’ve arrived at a stage in this story where the focus shifts largely to personal experiences, and although this may seem self-centered, the way it’s shared needs to evolve.

It was at the end of 1901 that I first met Mark Twain—at The Players Club on the night when he made the Founder's Address mentioned in an earlier chapter.

It was at the end of 1901 that I first met Mark Twain—at The Players Club on the night when he gave the Founder's Address mentioned in an earlier chapter.

I was not able to arrive in time for the address, but as I reached the head of the stairs I saw him sitting on the couch at the dining-room entrance, talking earnestly to some one, who, as I remember it, did not enter into my consciousness at all. I saw only that crown of white hair, that familiar profile, and heard the slow modulations of his measured speech. I was surprised to see how frail and old he looked. From his pictures I had conceived him different. I did not realize that it was a temporary condition due to a period of poor health and a succession of social demands. I have no idea how long I stood there watching him. He had been my literary idol from childhood, as he had been of so many others; more than that, for the personality in his work had made him nothing less than a hero to his readers.

I couldn't make it in time for the speech, but as I reached the top of the stairs, I saw him sitting on the couch at the entrance of the dining room, deep in conversation with someone who, honestly, I didn’t even notice. All I could see was that crown of white hair, that familiar profile, and I could hear the slow changes in his measured speech. I was shocked by how frail and old he looked. From his photos, I had imagined him differently. I didn’t realize it was just a temporary state brought on by poor health and a series of social obligations. I have no idea how long I stood there watching him. He had been my literary idol since childhood, as he had been for so many others; even more, the persona in his work made him nothing less than a hero to his readers.

He rose presently to go, and came directly toward me. A year before I had done what new writers were always doing—I had sent him a book I had written, and he had done what he was always doing—acknowledged it with a kindly letter. I made my thanks now an excuse for addressing him. It warmed me to hear him say that he remembered the book, though at the time I confess I thought it doubtful. Then he was gone; but the mind and ear had photographed those vivid first impressions that remain always clear.

He got up to leave and walked straight toward me. A year earlier, I had done what new writers often do—I sent him a book I had written, and he did what he always did—acknowledged it with a friendly letter. I used my thanks as a reason to talk to him now. It made me happy to hear him say he remembered the book, though I admit I was skeptical at the time. Then he was gone; but the mind and memory had captured those intense first impressions that always stay sharp.

It was the following spring that I saw him again—at an afternoon gathering, and the memory of that occasion is chiefly important because I met Mrs. Clemens there for the only time, and like all who met her, however briefly, felt the gentleness and beauty of her spirit. I think I spoke with her at two or three different moments during the afternoon, and on each occasion was impressed with that feeling of acquaintanceship which we immediately experience with those rare beings whose souls are wells of human sympathy and free from guile. Bret Harte had just died, and during the afternoon Mr. Clemens asked me to obtain for him some item concerning the obsequies.

It was the next spring when I saw him again—at an afternoon gathering, and the memory of that day is mainly significant because it was the only time I met Mrs. Clemens, and like everyone who met her, even briefly, I felt the kindness and beauty of her spirit. I think I spoke with her two or three times during the afternoon, and each time I was struck by that sense of familiarity we feel with those rare individuals whose souls are deep wells of human compassion and completely genuine. Bret Harte had just passed away, and during the afternoon Mr. Clemens asked me to find him some information about the funeral.

It was more than three years before I saw him again. Meantime, a sort of acquaintance had progressed. I had been engaged in writing the life of Thomas Nast, the cartoonist, and I had found among the material a number of letters to Nast from Mark Twain. I was naturally anxious to use those fine characteristic letters, and I wrote him for his consent. He wished to see the letters, and the permission that followed was kindness itself. His admiration of Nast was very great.

It was over three years before I saw him again. In the meantime, a kind of friendship had developed. I had been working on a biography of Thomas Nast, the cartoonist, and I discovered several letters from Mark Twain to Nast among the materials. I was eager to include those wonderfully distinctive letters, so I reached out to him for his permission. He wanted to see the letters, and the consent I received was incredibly generous. His admiration for Nast was immense.

It was proper, under the circumstances, to send him a copy of the book when it appeared; but that was 1904, his year of sorrow and absence, and the matter was postponed. Then came the great night of his seventieth birthday dinner, with an opportunity to thank him in person for the use of the letters. There was only a brief exchange of words, and it was the next day, I think, that I sent him a copy of the book. It did not occur to me that I should hear of it again.

It made sense, given the situation, to send him a copy of the book when it was published; but that was 1904, the year of his sadness and absence, and I put it off. Then came the big night of his seventieth birthday dinner, where I had a chance to thank him in person for letting me use the letters. We exchanged only a few words, and I believe it was the next day that I sent him a copy of the book. I didn’t expect to hear anything about it again.

We step back a moment here. Something more than a year earlier, through a misunderstanding, Mark Twain's long association with The Players had been severed. It was a sorrow to him, and a still greater sorrow to the club. There was a movement among what is generally known' as the “Round Table Group”—because its members have long had a habit of lunching at a large, round table in a certain window—to bring him back again. David Munro, associate editor of the North American Review—“David,” a man well loved of men—and Robert Reid, the painter, prepared this simple document:

We take a moment to reflect. More than a year ago, due to a misunderstanding, Mark Twain's long-standing connection with The Players was cut off. This caused him great sadness, and it was an even greater loss for the club. There was a push from what is commonly known as the “Round Table Group”—named for their long-standing practice of having lunch at a large round table by a specific window—to invite him back. David Munro, associate editor of the North American Review—“David,” who was well-liked by everyone—and painter Robert Reid put together this simple document:

                             TO
                         MARK TWAIN
                            from
                        THE CLANSMEN

                  Will ye no come back again?
                  Will ye no come back again?
                  Better lo'ed ye canna be,
                  Will ye no come back again?
                             TO
                         MARK TWAIN
                            from
                        THE CLANSMEN

                  Will you not come back again?
                  Will you not come back again?
                  You couldn’t be more loved,
                  Will you not come back again?

It was signed by Munro and by Reid and about thirty others, and it touched Mark Twain deeply. The lines had always moved him. He wrote:

It was signed by Munro, Reid, and around thirty others, and it really touched Mark Twain. The words always resonated with him. He wrote:

    TO ROBT. REID & THE OTHERS—

    WELL-BELOVED,—Surely those lovely verses went to Prince Charlie's
    heart, if he had one, & certainly they have gone to mine. I shall
    be glad & proud to come back again after such a moving & beautiful
    compliment as this from comrades whom I have loved so long. I hope
    you can poll the necessary vote; I know you will try, at any rate.
    It will be many months before I can foregather with you, for this
    black border is not perfunctory, not a convention; it symbolizes the
    loss of one whose memory is the only thing I worship.

    It is not necessary for me to thank you—& words could not deliver
    what I feel, anyway. I will put the contents of your envelope in
    the small casket where I keep the things which have become sacred to
    me.
                         S. L. C.
    TO ROBT. REID & THE OTHERS—

    DEAR FRIENDS,—I’m sure those beautiful verses touched Prince Charlie's heart, if he had one, and they have definitely touched mine. I'm excited and honored to return after such a heartfelt and lovely gesture from comrades I’ve cherished for so long. I hope you can gather the necessary votes; I know you’ll do your best, regardless. It will be months before I can join you again, as this black border is not just for show; it represents the loss of someone whose memory is all I hold sacred.

    I don’t need to thank you—& no words could truly express what I feel, anyway. I will place what’s in your envelope in the small box where I keep the things that have become meaningful to me.
                         S. L. C.

So the matter was temporarily held in abeyance until he should return to social life. At the completion of his seventieth year the club had taken action, and Mark Twain had been brought back, not in the regular order of things, but as an honorary life member without dues or duties. There was only one other member of this class, Sir Henry Irving.

So the issue was put on hold until he returned to social life. When he turned seventy, the club decided to take action, and Mark Twain was welcomed back, not in the usual way, but as an honorary life member with no fees or responsibilities. There was only one other member like this, Sir Henry Irving.

The Players, as a club, does not give dinners. Whatever is done in that way is done by one or more of the members in the private dining-room, where there is a single large table that holds twenty-five, even thirty when expanded to its limit. That room and that table have mingled with much distinguished entertainment, also with history. Henry James made his first after-dinner speech there, for one thing—at least he claimed it was his first, though this is by the way.

The Players, as a club, doesn't host dinners. Anything done in that regard is arranged by one or more of the members in the private dining room, which has one large table that seats twenty-five or even thirty when fully extended. That room and table have been part of many distinguished events and have historical significance. For example, Henry James gave his first after-dinner speech there—at least that's what he claimed, though that's beside the point.

A letter came to me which said that those who had signed the plea for the Prince's return were going to welcome him in the private dining-room on the 5th of January. It was not an invitation, but a gracious privilege. I was in New York a day or two in advance of the date, and I think David Munro was the first person I met at The Players. As he greeted me his eyes were eager with something he knew I would wish to hear. He had been delegated to propose the dinner to Mark Twain, and had found him propped up in bed, and noticed on the table near him a copy of the Nast book. I suspect that Munro had led him to speak of it, and that the result had lost nothing filtered through that radiant benevolence of his.

A letter arrived for me saying that those who signed the petition for the Prince's return would be welcoming him in the private dining room on January 5th. It wasn’t an invitation, but rather a gracious privilege. I was in New York a day or two before the date, and I believe David Munro was the first person I ran into at The Players. As he greeted me, his eyes were full of eagerness about something I would want to hear. He had been asked to propose the dinner to Mark Twain and found him propped up in bed, noticing a copy of the Nast book on the table next to him. I suspect Munro encouraged him to talk about it, and that the outcome was amplified by his radiant goodwill.

The night of January 5, 1906, remains a memory apart from other dinners. Brander Matthews presided, and Gilder was there, and Frank Millet and Willard Metcalf and Robert Reid, and a score of others; some of them are dead now, David Munro among them. It so happened that my seat was nearly facing the guest of the evening, who, by custom of The Players, is placed at the side and not at the end of the long table. He was no longer frail and thin, as when I had first met him. He had a robust, rested look; his complexion had the tints of a miniature painting. Lit by the glow of the shaded candles, relieved against the dusk richness of the walls, he made a picture of striking beauty. One could not take his eyes from it, and to one guest at least it stirred the farthest memories. I suddenly saw the interior of a farm-house sitting-room in the Middle West, where I had first heard uttered the name of Mark Twain, and where night after night a group gathered around the evening lamp to hear the tale of the first pilgrimage, which, to a boy of eight, had seemed only a wonderful poem and fairy tale. To Charles Harvey Genung, who sat next to me, I whispered something of this, and how, during the thirty-six years since then, no other human being to me had meant quite what Mark Twain had meant—in literature, in life, in the ineffable thing which means more than either, and which we call “inspiration,” for lack of a truer word. Now here he was, just across the table. It was the fairy tale come true.

The night of January 5, 1906, stands out from other dinners. Brander Matthews was in charge, and Gilder was there, along with Frank Millet, Willard Metcalf, Robert Reid, and a bunch of others; some of them have passed away now, including David Munro. I happened to be seated almost directly across from the guest of the evening, who, following The Players’ tradition, was positioned at the side rather than the end of the long table. He was no longer frail and thin, like when I first met him. He had a sturdy, well-rested appearance; his complexion resembled the delicate tones of a miniature painting. Illuminated by the soft glow of the shaded candles against the rich dusk of the walls, he made a stunning picture. It was impossible to look away, and for at least one guest, it sparked distant memories. I suddenly envisioned a farmhouse living room in the Midwest, where I first heard the name Mark Twain, and where night after night a group gathered around the evening lamp to listen to the story of the first pilgrimage, which, to an eight-year-old boy, seemed nothing more than a beautiful poem and a fairy tale. To Charles Harvey Genung, who was sitting next to me, I whispered a bit about this, and how, in the thirty-six years since then, no one had meant as much to me as Mark Twain had—in literature, in life, and in that indescribable thing that means more than either, which we call “inspiration” for lack of a better term. And now here he was, right across the table. It was the fairy tale come to life.

Genung said:

Genung stated:

“You should write his life.”

"You should write his story."

His remark seemed a pleasant courtesy, and was put aside as such. When he persisted I attributed it to the general bloom of the occasion, and a little to the wine, maybe, for the dinner was in its sweetest stage just then—that happy, early stage when the first glass of champagne, or the second, has proved its quality. He urged, in support of his idea, the word that Munro had brought concerning the Nast book, but nothing of what he said kindled any spark of hope. I could not but believe that some one with a larger equipment of experience, personal friendship, and abilities had already been selected for the task. By and by the speaking began—delightful, intimate speaking in that restricted circle—and the matter went out of my mind.

His comment seemed like a nice gesture and I brushed it off like that. When he kept going, I thought it was just the festive mood of the moment and maybe a bit of the wine too, since dinner was at its peak right then— that joyful, early stage when the first or second glass of champagne has shown its quality. He kept insisting on his idea, mentioning something Munro had said about the Nast book, but nothing he said sparked any hope. I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone with more experience, personal connections, and skills had already been chosen for the job. Eventually, the conversation started—enjoyable, personal chatting in that small group—and I forgot all about it.

When the dinner had ended, and we were drifting about the table in general talk, I found an opportunity to say a word to the guest of the evening about his Joan of Arc, which I had recently re-read. To my happiness, he detained me while he told me the long-ago incident which had led to his interest, not only in the martyred girl, but in all literature. I think we broke up soon after, and descended to the lower rooms. At any rate, I presently found the faithful Charles Genung privately reasserting to me the proposition that I should undertake the biography of Mark Twain. Perhaps it was the brief sympathy established by the name of Joan of Arc, perhaps it was only Genung's insistent purpose—his faith, if I may be permitted the word. Whatever it was, there came an impulse, in the instant of bidding good-by to our guest of honor, which prompted me to say:

When dinner was over and we were casually chatting around the table, I seized the chance to mention to the evening's guest my thoughts on his Joan of Arc, which I had recently re-read. To my delight, he engaged me by sharing the story from long ago that sparked his interest, not just in the martyred girl but in all literature. I think we wrapped up soon after and headed down to the lower rooms. Eventually, I found the loyal Charles Genung quietly urging me again to take on the biography of Mark Twain. Maybe it was the brief connection made through the name of Joan of Arc, or perhaps it was just Genung's unwavering determination—his faith, if I can use that word. Whatever it was, in the moment of saying goodbye to our guest of honor, I felt inspired to say:

“May I call to see you, Mr. Clemens, some day?”

“Can I come to see you, Mr. Clemens, someday?”

And something—dating from the primal atom, I suppose—prompted him to answer:

And something—coming from the very first atom, I guess—made him reply:

“Yes, come soon.”

“Yeah, come soon.”

This was on Wednesday night, or rather on Thursday morning, for it was past midnight, and a day later I made an appointment with his secretary to call on Saturday.

This was on Wednesday night, or more accurately, on Thursday morning, since it was past midnight. The next day, I scheduled a meeting with his secretary to come in on Saturday.

I can say truly that I set out with no more than the barest hope of success, and wondering if I should have the courage, when I saw him, even to suggest the thought in my mind. I know I did not have the courage to confide in Genung that I had made the appointment—I was so sure it would fail. I arrived at 21 Fifth Avenue and was shown into that long library and drawing-room combined, and found a curious and deep interest in the books and ornaments along the shelves as I waited. Then I was summoned, and I remember ascending the stairs, wondering why I had come on so futile an errand, and trying to think of an excuse to offer for having come at all.

I can honestly say that I set out with barely any hope of success, and I was unsure if I would even have the courage to bring up what was on my mind when I saw him. I know I didn't have the courage to tell Genung that I had made the appointment—I was so convinced it would fail. I arrived at 21 Fifth Avenue and was led into that long room that combined a library and a drawing room, where I found myself oddly captivated by the books and decorations on the shelves while I waited. Then I was called in, and I remember walking up the stairs, questioning why I had come on such a pointless errand, and trying to come up with an excuse for being there at all.

He was propped up in bed—in that stately bed-sitting, as was his habit, with his pillows placed at the foot, so that he might have always before him the rich, carved beauty of its headboard. He was delving through a copy of Huckleberry Finn, in search of a paragraph concerning which some random correspondent had asked explanation. He was commenting unfavorably on this correspondent and on miscellaneous letter-writing in general. He pushed the cigars toward me, and the talk of these matters ran along and blended into others more or less personal. By and by I told him what so many thousands had told him before: what he had meant to me, recalling the childhood impressions of that large, black-and-gilt-covered book with its wonderful pictures and adventures—the Mediterranean pilgrimage. Very likely it bored him—he had heard it so often—and he was willing enough, I dare say, to let me change the subject and thank him for the kindly word which David Munro had brought. I do not remember what he said then, but I suddenly found myself suggesting that out of his encouragement had grown a hope—though certainly it was something less—that I might some day undertake a book about himself. I expected the chapter to end at this point, and his silence which followed seemed long and ominous.

He was propped up in bed—in that fancy bed-sitting, as he usually did, with his pillows arranged at the foot, so he could always see the beautiful, carved headboard. He was going through a copy of Huckleberry Finn, looking for a paragraph that some random reader had asked him to explain. He was voicing his frustration about this reader and about letter-writing in general. He pushed the cigars toward me, and our conversation flowed into more personal topics. Eventually, I told him what so many thousands had told him before: how much he meant to me, recalling childhood memories of that large, black-and-gold-covered book with its amazing pictures and adventures—the Mediterranean pilgrimage. He probably found it boring—he had heard it so often—and he was likely eager for me to change the subject and thank him for the kind words that David Munro had delivered. I can’t remember what he said then, but I suddenly found myself suggesting that his encouragement had sparked a hope—though it was probably something less—that I might someday write a book about him. I expected the conversation to wrap up at that point, and his subsequent silence felt long and heavy.

He said, at last, that at various times through his life he had been preparing some autobiographical matter, but that he had tired of the undertaking, and had put it aside. He added that he had hoped his daughters would one day collect his letters; but that a biography—a detailed story of personality and performance, of success and failure—was of course another matter, and that for such a work no arrangement had been made. He may have added one or two other general remarks; then, turning those piercing agate-blue eyes directly upon me, he said:

He finally said that throughout his life, he had been working on some autobiographical stuff, but he got tired of it and set it aside. He mentioned that he had hoped his daughters would eventually gather his letters; however, a biography—a detailed account of his personality and achievements, including both successes and failures—was a different story, and no plans had been made for that. He might have added a couple of other general comments; then, looking straight into my eyes with those intense agate-blue eyes, he said:

“When would you like to begin?”

“When do you want to start?”

There was a dresser with a large mirror behind him. I happened to catch my reflection in it, and I vividly recollect saying to it mentally: “This is not true; it is only one of many similar dreams.” But even in a dream one must answer, and I said:

There was a dresser with a big mirror behind him. I happened to see my reflection in it, and I clearly remember thinking to myself: "This isn't real; it's just one of many similar dreams." But even in a dream, you have to respond, and I said:

“Whenever you like. I can begin now.”

“Whenever you're ready. I can start now.”

He was always eager in any new undertaking.

He was always excited about any new project.

“Very good,” he said. “The sooner, then, the better. Let's begin while we are in the humor. The longer you postpone a thing of this kind the less likely you are ever to get at it.”

“Sounds great,” he said. “The sooner, the better. Let's get started while we're in the mood. The longer you put off something like this, the less likely you are to actually do it.”

This was on Saturday, as I have stated. I mentioned that my family was still in the country, and that it would require a day or two to get established in the city. I asked if Tuesday, January 9th, would be too soon to begin. He agreed that Tuesday would do, and inquired something about my plan of work. Of course I had formed nothing definite, but I said that in similar undertakings a part of the work had been done with a stenographer, who had made the notes while I prompted the subject to recall a procession of incidents and episodes, to be supplemented with every variety of material obtainable—letters and other documentary accumulations. Then he said:

This was on Saturday, as I mentioned. I said that my family was still in the countryside and that it would take a day or two to settle into the city. I asked if Tuesday, January 9th, would be too soon to start. He agreed that Tuesday would work and asked about my work plan. I hadn’t made any concrete plans, but I mentioned that in similar projects, part of the work was done with a stenographer who took notes while I prompted the subject to recall a series of incidents and stories, to be supported by various materials we could gather—letters and other documents. Then he said:

“I think I should enjoy dictating to a stenographer, with some one to prompt me and to act as audience. The room adjoining this was fitted up for my study. My manuscripts and notes and private books and many of my letters are there, and there are a trunkful or two of such things in the attic. I seldom use the room myself. I do my writing and reading in bed. I will turn that room over to you for this work. Whatever you need will be brought to you. We can have the dictation here in the morning, and you can put in the rest of the day to suit yourself. You can have a key and come and go as you please.”

“I think I'd really enjoy dictating to a stenographer, with someone to prompt me and be an audience. The room next door is set up as my study. My manuscripts, notes, personal books, and a lot of my letters are in there, and there are a couple of trunks full of stuff in the attic. I hardly ever use that room myself. I do my writing and reading in bed. I’ll give you that room for this work. Whatever you need will be brought to you. We can do the dictation here in the morning, and you can spend the rest of the day as you like. You can have a key and come and go as you please.”

That was always his way. He did nothing by halves; nothing without unquestioning confidence and prodigality. He got up and showed me the lovely luxury of the study, with its treasures of material. I did not believe it true yet. It had all the atmosphere of a dream, and I have no distinct recollection of how I came away. When I returned to The Players and found Charles Harvey Genung there, and told him about it, it is quite certain that he perjured himself when he professed to believe it true and pretended that he was not surprised.

That was always his style. He never did things halfway; he approached everything with total confidence and extravagance. He stood up and showed me the beautiful luxury of the study, filled with its treasures. I still couldn't believe it was real. It felt like a dream, and I don't clearly remember how I left. When I went back to The Players and found Charles Harvey Genung there and told him about it, I’m sure he was lying when he claimed to believe it and acted like he wasn’t surprised.





CCXXXIX. WORKING WITH MARK TWAIN

On Tuesday, January 9, 1906, I was on hand with a capable stenographer—Miss Josephine Hobby, who had successively, and successfully, held secretarial positions with Charles Dudley Warner and Mrs. Mary Mapes Dodge, and was therefore peculiarly qualified for the work in hand.

On Tuesday, January 9, 1906, I was present with a skilled stenographer—Miss Josephine Hobby, who had previously and successfully held secretarial roles with Charles Dudley Warner and Mrs. Mary Mapes Dodge, making her especially suited for the task at hand.

Clemens, meantime, had been revolving our plans and adding some features of his own. He proposed to double the value and interest of our employment by letting his dictations continue the form of those earlier autobiographical chapters, begun with Redpath in 1885, and continued later in Vienna and at the Villa Quarto. He said he did not think he could follow a definite chronological program; that he would like to wander about, picking up this point and that, as memory or fancy prompted, without any particular biographical order. It was his purpose, he declared, that his dictations should not be published until he had been dead a hundred years or more—a prospect which seemed to give him an especial gratification.—[As early as October, 1900, he had proposed to Harper & Brothers a contract for publishing his personal memoirs at the expiration of one hundred years from date; and letters covering the details were exchanged with Mr. Rogers. The document, however, was not completed.]

Clemens had been thinking about our plans and adding his own ideas. He suggested that we could enhance the value and interest of our work by continuing to use his dictations in the style of those earlier autobiographical chapters, which began with Redpath in 1885 and were later continued in Vienna and at the Villa Quarto. He mentioned that he didn’t believe he could stick to a strict chronological order; instead, he preferred to hop around, picking up different thoughts as they came to him, without following a specific timeline. He stated that his goal was for his dictations to remain unpublished until at least a hundred years after his death—a notion that seemed to particularly please him. —[As early as October 1900, he had proposed to Harper & Brothers a contract for publishing his personal memoirs a hundred years after the date of the agreement; letters covering the details were exchanged with Mr. Rogers. However, the document was never finalized.]

He wished to pay the stenographer, and to own these memoranda, he said, allowing me free access to them for any material I might find valuable. I could also suggest subjects for dictation, and ask particulars of any special episode or period. I believe this covered the whole arrangement, which did not require more than five minutes, and we set to work without further prologue.

He wanted to pay the stenographer and keep these notes, saying I could access them anytime for anything I found useful. I could also propose topics for dictation and ask about any specific events or times. I think this covered the entire agreement, which took no more than five minutes, and we got started without any additional introduction.

I ought to state that he was in bed when we arrived, and that he remained there during almost all of these earlier dictations, clad in a handsome silk dressing-gown of rich Persian pattern, propped against great snowy pillows. He loved this loose luxury and ease, and found it conducive to thought. On the little table beside him, where lay his cigars, papers, pipes, and various knickknacks, shone a reading-lamp, making more brilliant the rich coloring of his complexion and the gleam of his shining hair. There was daylight, too, but it was north light, and the winter days were dull. Also the walls of the room were a deep, unreflecting red, and his eyes were getting old. The outlines of that vast bed blending into the luxuriant background, the whole focusing to the striking central figure, remain in my mind to-day—a picture of classic value.

I should mention that he was in bed when we got there and stayed there during most of those early dictations, wearing a beautiful silk robe with an elaborate Persian design, propped up against large, fluffy pillows. He enjoyed this relaxed comfort and found it helpful for thinking. On the small table next to him, where his cigars, papers, pipes, and various trinkets were spread out, a reading lamp shone brightly, enhancing the rich tones of his complexion and the shine of his hair. There was also daylight coming in, but it was northern light, and the winter days felt gloomy. The walls of the room were a deep, non-reflective red, and his eyes were starting to show their age. The scene of that huge bed merging into the lavish background, all centered around his striking figure, stays vivid in my mind today—a picture of timeless beauty.

He dictated that morning some matters connected with the history of the Comstock mine; then he drifted back to his childhood, returning again to the more modern period, and closed, I think, with some comments on current affairs. It was absorbingly interesting; his quaint, unhurried fashion of speech, the unconscious movement of his hands, the play of his features as his fancies and phrases passed in mental review and were accepted or waved aside. We were watching one of the great literary creators of his time in the very process of his architecture. We constituted about the most select audience in the world enjoying what was, likely enough, its most remarkable entertainment. When he turned at last and inquired the time we were all amazed that two hours and more had slipped away.

He talked that morning about some topics related to the history of the Comstock mine; then he drifted back to his childhood, returned to a more modern era, and I think he finished with some thoughts on current events. It was incredibly engaging; his unique, relaxed way of speaking, the natural gestures of his hands, and the expressions on his face as his ideas and words played out in his mind, being either embraced or dismissed. We were witnessing one of the great literary creators of his time engaged in the very act of his craft. We were one of the most exclusive audiences in the world, enjoying what was probably its most remarkable entertainment. When he finally turned and asked what time it was, we were all shocked that more than two hours had passed.

“And how much I have enjoyed it!” he said. “It is the ideal plan for this kind of work. Narrative writing is always disappointing. The moment you pick up a pen you begin to lose the spontaneity of the personal relation, which contains the very essence of interest. With shorthand dictation one can talk as if he were at his own dinner-table—always a most inspiring place. I expect to dictate all the rest of my life, if you good people are willing to come and listen to it.”

“And how much I’ve enjoyed it!” he said. “It’s the perfect way to do this kind of work. Writing narratives is always a letdown. The minute you start writing with a pen, you begin to lose the spontaneity of personal connection, which is what really makes it interesting. With shorthand dictation, I can talk like I’m at my own dinner table—always a very inspiring place. I plan to dictate for the rest of my life, as long as you wonderful people are willing to come and listen.”

The dictations thus begun continued steadily from week to week, and always with increasing charm. We never knew what he was going to talk about, and it was seldom that he knew until the moment of beginning; then he went drifting among episodes, incidents, and periods in his irresponsible fashion; the fashion of table-conversation, as he said, the methodless method of the human mind. It was always delightful, and always amusing, tragic, or instructive, and it was likely to be one of these at one instant, and another the next. I felt myself the most fortunate biographer in the world, as undoubtedly I was, though not just in the way that I first imagined.

The dictations that started kept going steadily from week to week, always with growing charm. We never knew what he would talk about, and he rarely knew until he began; then he would wander through stories, incidents, and periods in his carefree way—what he called table conversation, the aimless method of the human mind. It was always enjoyable, often amusing, sometimes tragic or educational, and it could change from one to the other in an instant. I felt like the luckiest biographer in the world, which I definitely was, though not in the way I first thought.

It was not for several weeks that I began to realize that these marvelous reminiscences bore only an atmospheric relation to history; that they were aspects of biography rather than its veritable narrative, and built largely—sometimes wholly—from an imagination that, with age, had dominated memory, creating details, even reversing them, yet with a perfect sincerity of purpose on the part of the narrator to set down the literal and unvarnished truth. It was his constant effort to be frank and faithful to fact, to record, to confess, and to condemn without stint. If you wanted to know the worst of Mark Twain you had only to ask him for it. He would give it, to the last syllable—worse than the worst, for his imagination would magnify it and adorn it with new iniquities, and if he gave it again, or a dozen times, he would improve upon it each time, until the thread of history was almost impossible to trace through the marvel of that fabric; and he would do the same for another person just as willingly. Those vividly real personalities that he marched and countermarched before us were the most convincing creatures in the world; the most entertaining, the most excruciatingly humorous, or wicked, or tragic; but, alas, they were not always safe to include in a record that must bear a certain semblance to history. They often disagreed in their performance, and even in their characters, with the documents in the next room, as I learned by and by when those records, disentangled, began to rebuild the structure of the years.

It took me several weeks to realize that these amazing memories were only loosely related to actual history; they were more like snapshots of a person's life rather than a true narrative, largely—sometimes entirely—created by an imagination that, as time went on, had taken over memory, fabricating details and even reversing them, all while the narrator sincerely aimed to describe the literal and unembellished truth. He constantly tried to be honest and true to the facts, to document, confess, and criticize without holding back. If you wanted to hear the worst about Mark Twain, all you had to do was ask him. He would lay it all out, down to the last word—often exaggerating it even more, as his imagination would inflate it with new flaws. Each time he recounted it, or even if he did so multiple times, he'd improve upon it, making it almost impossible to trace the historical reality amidst the wonder of his storytelling; he would do the same for others just as readily. The vividly real characters he presented to us were the most convincing beings imaginable; they were the most entertaining, uproariously funny, wicked, or tragic; but unfortunately, they weren't always safe to include in a record that needed to maintain a semblance of history. They often contradicted their performances and even their natures when compared to the documents in the next room, as I gradually learned when those records began to clarify the structure of the years.

His gift of dramatization had been exercised too long to be discarded now. The things he told of Mrs. Clemens and of Susy were true—marvelously and beautifully true, in spirit and in aspect—and the actual detail of these mattered little in such a record. The rest was history only as 'Roughing It' is history, or the 'Tramp Abroad'; that is to say, it was fictional history, with fact as a starting-point. In a prefatory note to these volumes we have quoted Mark Twain's own lovely and whimsical admission, made once when he realized his deviations:

His talent for storytelling had been too developed to give up now. The things he said about Mrs. Clemens and Susy were true—wonderfully and beautifully true, both in spirit and in appearance—and the specific details didn't matter much in such a narrative. The rest was history only like 'Roughing It' is history or 'The Tramp Abroad'; that is to say, it was fictional history, based on real events. In a prefatory note to these volumes, we've included Mark Twain's own charming and playful acknowledgment, made once when he recognized his deviations:

“When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but I am getting old, and soon I shall remember only the latter.”

“When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but I'm getting older, and soon I’ll only remember the things that didn’t happen.”

At another time he paraphrased one of Josh Billings's sayings in the remark: “It isn't so astonishing, the number of things that I can remember, as the number of things I can remember that aren't so.”

At another time he rephrased one of Josh Billings's sayings with the comment: “It’s not so surprising, the number of things I can remember, as the number of things I can remember that aren’t true.”

I do not wish to say, by any means, that his so-called autobiography is a mere fairy tale. It is far from that. It is amazingly truthful in the character-picture it represents of the man himself. It is only not reliable—and it is sometimes even unjust—as detailed history. Yet, curiously enough, there were occasional chapters that were photographically exact, and fitted precisely with the more positive, if less picturesque, materials. It is also true that such chapters were likely to be episodes intrinsically so perfect as to not require the touch of art.

I don’t want to imply that his so-called autobiography is just a fairy tale. It’s far from that. It’s strikingly honest in the portrayal of the man himself. However, it’s not always reliable—and sometimes even unfair—as a detailed account. Yet, oddly, there were moments that were incredibly accurate and matched perfectly with the more straightforward, if less colorful, information. It’s also true that such moments were often parts of the story that were so well-defined they didn’t need any artistic embellishment.

In the talks which we usually had, when the dictations were ended and Miss Hobby had gone, I gathered much that was of still greater value. Imagination was temporarily dispossessed, as it were, and, whether expounding some theory or summarizing some event, he cared little for literary effect, and only for the idea and the moment immediately present.

In the discussions we typically had, after the dictations were finished and Miss Hobby had left, I gained a lot that was even more valuable. His imagination was set aside for the moment, and whether he was explaining a theory or summarizing an event, he didn't worry about how it sounded; he focused solely on the idea and the present moment.

It was at such times that he allowed me to make those inquiries we had planned in the beginning, and which apparently had little place in the dictations themselves. Sometimes I led him to speak of the genesis of his various books, how he had come to write them, and I think there was not a single case where later I did not find his memory of these matters almost exactly in accord with the letters of the moment, written to Howells or Twichell, or to some member of his family. Such reminiscence was usually followed by some vigorous burst of human philosophy, often too vigorous for print, too human, but as dazzling as a search-light in its revelation.

It was during those times that he let me ask the questions we had planned from the start, which clearly didn’t have much relevance to the dictations themselves. Sometimes I prompted him to share the backstory of his different books, how he came to write them, and I believe there wasn’t a single instance where I later found his recollections of these events not to align almost perfectly with the letters he wrote at the time, whether to Howells, Twichell, or a family member. This kind of reminiscing was typically followed by a lively burst of human philosophy, often too intense for publication, too real, but as brilliant as a spotlight in its clarity.

It was during this earlier association that he propounded, one day, his theory of circumstance, already set down, that inevitable sequence of cause and effect, beginning with the first act of the primal atom. He had been dictating that morning his story of the clairvoyant dream which preceded his brother's death, and the talk of foreknowledge had continued. I said one might logically conclude from such a circumstance that the future was a fixed quantity.

It was during this earlier partnership that he proposed, one day, his theory of circumstance, which I’ve mentioned before, that the inevitable sequence of cause and effect starts with the first act of the primal atom. That morning, he had been dictating his story about the clairvoyant dream that happened before his brother's death, and the conversation about foreknowledge continued. I mentioned that one could logically conclude from such a situation that the future was a set quantity.

“As absolutely fixed as the past,” he said; and added the remark already quoted.—[Chap. lxxv] A little later he continued:

“As definitely set as the past,” he said; and added the remark already quoted.—[Chap. lxxv] A little later he continued:

“Even the Almighty Himself cannot check or change that sequence of events once it is started. It is a fixed quantity, and a part of the scheme is a mental condition during certain moments usually of sleep—when the mind may reach out and grasp some of the acts which are still to come.”

“Even the Almighty Himself can't stop or alter that sequence of events once it starts. It's a fixed quantity, and part of the scheme involves a mental state during certain moments, usually in sleep—when the mind might be able to reach out and comprehend some of the actions that are yet to happen.”

It was a new angle to me—a line of logic so simple and so utterly convincing that I have remained unshaken in it to this day. I have never been able to find any answer to it, nor any one who could even attempt to show that the first act of the first created atom did not strike the key-note of eternity.

It was a new perspective for me—a thought process so straightforward and completely convincing that I’m still firm in it today. I have never been able to find any answer to it, nor anyone who could even try to show that the first action of the very first atom didn’t set the tone for eternity.

At another time, speaking of the idea that God works through man, he burst out:

At another time, talking about the idea that God works through people, he exclaimed:

“Yes, of course, just about as much as a man works through his microbes!”

“Yes, absolutely, just as much as a guy deals with his germs!”

He had a startling way of putting things like that, and it left not much to say.

He had a shocking way of expressing things like that, and it didn’t leave much to say.

I was at this period interested a good deal in mental healing, and had been treated for neurasthenia with gratifying results. Like most of the world, I had assumed, from his published articles, that he condemned Christian Science and its related practices out of hand. When I confessed, rather reluctantly, one day, the benefit I had received, he surprised me by answering:

I was really into mental healing during this time and had been treated for neurasthenia with great results. Like most people, I thought, based on his published articles, that he dismissed Christian Science and similar practices without a second thought. When I hesitantly admitted one day how much it had helped me, he surprised me by saying:

“Of course you have been benefited. Christian Science is humanity's boon. Mother Eddy deserves a place in the Trinity as much as any member of it. She has organized and made available a healing principle that for two thousand years has never been employed, except as the merest kind of guesswork. She is the benefactor of the age.”

“Of course you have benefited. Christian Science is a gift to humanity. Mother Eddy deserves a place in the Trinity just as much as anyone else. She has established and made accessible a healing principle that for two thousand years has only been used as basic guesswork. She is the benefactor of our time.”

It seemed strange, at the time, to hear him speak in this way concerning a practice of which he was generally regarded as the chief public antagonist. It was another angle of his many-sided character.

It felt odd at the time to hear him talk like this about a practice he was usually seen as the main public opponent of. It was just another aspect of his complex personality.





CCXL. THE DEFINITION OF A GENTLEMAN

That was a busy winter for him socially. He was constantly demanded for this thing and that—for public gatherings, dinners—everywhere he was a central figure. Once he presided at a Valentine dinner given by some Players to David Munro. He had never presided at a dinner before, he said, and he did it in his own way, which certainly was a taking one, suitable to that carefree company and occasion—a real Scotch occasion, with the Munro tartan everywhere, the table banked with heather, and a wild piper marching up and down in the anteroom, blowing savage airs in honor of Scotland's gentlest son.

That winter was really busy for him socially. He was always being asked to participate in different events—public gatherings, dinners—wherever he went, he was the center of attention. At one point, he hosted a Valentine dinner organized by some Players for David Munro. He mentioned that he had never hosted a dinner before, and he did it in his own style, which was definitely charming and fit the relaxed vibe of that group and occasion—a true Scottish event, with the Munro tartan everywhere, the table decorated with heather, and a wild piper marching around in the anteroom, playing intense tunes to honor Scotland's kindest son.

An important meeting of that winter was at Carnegie Hall—a great gathering which had assembled for the purpose of aiding Booker T. Washington in his work for the welfare of his race. The stage and the auditorium were thronged with notables. Joseph H. Choate and Mark Twain presided, and both spoke; also Robert C. Ogden and Booker T. Washington himself. It was all fine and interesting. Choate's address was ably given, and Mark Twain was at his best. He talked of politics and of morals—public and private—how the average American citizen was true to his Christian principles three hundred and sixty-three days in the year, and how on the other two days of the year he left those principles at home and went to the tax-office and the voting-booths, and did his best to damage and undo his whole year's faithful and righteous work.

An important meeting that winter was at Carnegie Hall—a major gathering organized to support Booker T. Washington in his efforts for the advancement of his community. The stage and the auditorium were packed with prominent figures. Joseph H. Choate and Mark Twain chaired the event, and both gave speeches, along with Robert C. Ogden and Booker T. Washington himself. It was all impressive and engaging. Choate's speech was well-delivered, and Mark Twain was at his best. He spoke about politics and ethics—both public and private—highlighting how the average American citizen stays true to Christian values for three hundred sixty-three days of the year, and how on the other two days, he conveniently leaves those values behind to go to the tax office and voting booths, where he does his best to undermine all the good work done throughout the year.

    I used to be an honest man, but I am crumbling—no, I have crumbled.
    When they assessed me at $75,000 a fortnight ago I went out and
    tried to borrow the money and couldn't. Then when I found they were
    letting a whole crowd of millionaires live in New York at a third of
    the price they were charging me I was hurt, I was indignant, and
    said, this is the last feather. I am not going to run this town all
    by myself. In that moment—in that memorable moment, I began to
    crumble. In fifteen minutes the disintegration was complete. In
    fifteen minutes I was become just a mere moral sand-pile, and I
    lifted up my hand, along with those seasoned and experienced
    deacons, and swore off every rag of personal property I've got in
    the world.
I used to be an honest man, but I'm falling apart—actually, I've already fallen apart. When they valued me at $75,000 a couple of weeks ago, I tried to borrow the money but couldn't. Then I discovered they were letting a whole bunch of millionaires live in New York for a fraction of what I was being charged. I was hurt, I was furious, and I thought, this is the last straw. I'm not going to carry this town on my own. In that moment—in that unforgettable moment, I started to break down. In just fifteen minutes, the breakdown was complete. In fifteen minutes, I became nothing more than a pile of moral sand, and I raised my hand, alongside those seasoned and experienced deacons, and gave up every shred of personal property I own.

I had never heard him address a miscellaneous audience. It was marvelous to see how he convulsed it, and silenced it, and controlled it at will. He did not undertake any special pleading for the negro cause; he only prepared the way with cheerfulness.

I had never seen him speak to a mixed crowd before. It was amazing to watch how he could stir them up, quiet them down, and command their attention whenever he wanted. He didn’t make any specific arguments for the Black cause; he just set the stage with positivity.

Clemens and Choate joined forces again, a few weeks later, at a great public meeting assembled in aid of the adult blind. Helen Keller was to be present, but she had fallen ill through overwork. She sent to Clemens one of her beautiful letters, in which she said:

Clemens and Choate teamed up again a few weeks later at a large public meeting organized to support the adult blind. Helen Keller was supposed to be there, but she got sick from overworking herself. She sent Clemens one of her lovely letters, in which she said:

    I should be happy if I could have spelled into my hand the words as
    they fall from your lips, and receive, even as it is uttered, the
    eloquence of our newest ambassador to the blind.
    I would be happy if I could write down the words as they come from your mouth and receive, just as it's spoken, the eloquence of our latest ambassador to the blind.

Clemens, dictating the following morning, told of his first meeting with Helen Keller at a little gathering in Lawrence Hutton's home, when she was about the age of fourteen. It was an incident that invited no elaboration, and probably received none.

Clemens, dictating the next morning, recounted his first encounter with Helen Keller at a small gathering in Lawrence Hutton's home when she was around fourteen years old. It was an event that didn’t require much detail and likely didn’t receive any.

    Henry Rogers and I went together. The company had all assembled and
    had been waiting a while. The wonderful child arrived now with her
    about equally wonderful teacher, Miss Sullivan, and seemed quite
    well to recognize the character of her surroundings. She said, “Oh,
    the books, the books, so many, many books. How lovely!”

    The guests were brought one after another. As she shook hands with
    each she took her hand away and laid her fingers lightly against
    Miss Sullivan's lips, who spoke against them the person's name.

    Mr. Howells seated himself by Helen on the sofa, and she put her
    fingers against his lips and he told her a story of considerable
    length, and you could see each detail of it pass into her mind and
    strike fire there and throw the flash of it into her face.

    After a couple of hours spent very pleasantly some one asked if
    Helen would remember the feel of the hands of the company after this
    considerable interval of time and be able to discriminate the hands
    and name the possessors of them. Miss Sullivan said, “Oh, she will
    have no difficulty about that.” So the company filed past, shook
    hands in turn, and with each hand-shake Helen greeted the owner of
    the hand pleasantly and spoke the name that belonged to it without
    hesitation.

    By and by the assemblage proceeded to the dining-room and sat down
    to the luncheon. I had to go away before it was over, and as I
    passed by Helen I patted her lightly on the head and passed on.
    Miss Sullivan called to me and said, “Stop, Mr. Clemens, Helen is
    distressed because she did not recognize your hand. Won't you come
    back and do that again?” I went back and patted her lightly on the
    head, and she said at once, “Oh, it's Mr. Clemens.”

    Perhaps some one can explain this miracle, but I have never been
    able to do it. Could she feel the wrinkles in my hand through her
    hair? Some one else must answer this.
    Henry Rogers and I went together. The group had all gathered and had been waiting for a while. The amazing child arrived now with her equally amazing teacher, Miss Sullivan, and seemed to totally understand her surroundings. She said, “Oh, the books, the books, so many books. How lovely!”

    The guests were brought in one by one. As she shook hands with each person, she would pull her hand away and lightly touch Miss Sullivan's lips with her fingers, who would then say the person's name against them.

    Mr. Howells sat next to Helen on the sofa, and she placed her fingers against his lips while he told her a long story. You could see each detail making its way into her mind, sparking excitement in her and lighting up her face.

    After a couple of hours spent very pleasantly, someone asked if Helen would remember the feel of the hands of the guests after this significant break of time and be able to recognize the hands and name their owners. Miss Sullivan said, “Oh, she won't have any trouble with that.” So the guests lined up, shook hands in turn, and with each handshake, Helen warmly greeted the owner and confidently spoke their name without hesitation.

    Eventually, the group moved to the dining room and sat down for lunch. I had to leave before it was finished, and as I walked by Helen, I lightly patted her on the head and continued on. Miss Sullivan called out to me and said, “Wait, Mr. Clemens, Helen feels upset because she didn’t recognize your hand. Will you come back and do that again?” I returned and patted her gently on the head, and she immediately exclaimed, “Oh, it’s Mr. Clemens!”

    Maybe someone can explain this miracle, but I’ve never been able to figure it out. Could she feel the wrinkles in my hand through her hair? Someone else will have to answer this.

It was three years following this dictation that the mystery received a very simple and rather amusing solution. Helen had come to pay a visit to Mark Twain's Connecticut home, Stormfield, then but just completed. He had met her, meantime, but it had not occurred to him before to ask her how she had recognized him that morning at Hutton's, in what had seemed such a marvelous way. She remembered, and with a smile said:

It was three years after this dictation that the mystery got a very simple and kind of amusing answer. Helen had come to visit Mark Twain's Connecticut home, Stormfield, which had just been finished. He had met her in the meantime, but it hadn’t occurred to him to ask her how she recognized him that morning at Hutton's, in what seemed like such a remarkable way. She remembered and smiled as she said:

“I smelled you.” Which, after all, did not make the incident seem much less marvelous.

“I smelled you.” Which, after all, didn't make the incident seem any less amazing.

On one of the mornings after Miss Hobby had gone Clemens said:

On one of the mornings after Miss Hobby had left, Clemens said:

“A very curious thing has happened—a very large-sized-joke.” He was shaving at the time, and this information came in brief and broken relays, suited to a performance of that sort. The reader may perhaps imagine the effect without further indication of it.

“A really strange thing has happened—a huge joke.” He was shaving at the time, and this news came in short, choppy bursts, fitting for such a situation. The reader might be able to picture the impact without needing more explanation.

“I was going on a yachting trip once, with Henry Rogers, when a reporter stopped me with the statement that Mrs. Astor had said that there had never been a gentleman in the White House, and he wanted me to give him my definition of a gentleman. I didn't give him my definition; but he printed it, just the same, in the afternoon paper. I was angry at first, and wanted to bring a damage suit. When I came to read the definition it was a satisfactory one, and I let it go. Now to-day comes a letter and a telegram from a man who has made a will in Missouri, leaving ten thousand dollars to provide tablets for various libraries in the State, on which shall be inscribed Mark Twain's definition of a gentleman. He hasn't got the definition—he has only heard of it, and he wants me to tell him in which one of my books or speeches he can find it. I couldn't think, when I read that letter, what in the nation the man meant, but shaving somehow has a tendency to release thought, and just now it all came to me.”

“I was on a yachting trip once with Henry Rogers when a reporter stopped me and said that Mrs. Astor had mentioned there had never been a gentleman in the White House. He wanted my definition of a gentleman. I didn’t give him my definition, but he published it anyway in the afternoon paper. I was angry at first and wanted to file a lawsuit for damages. When I finally read the definition, it was actually pretty good, so I let it slide. Now today I received a letter and a telegram from a man in Missouri who made a will leaving ten thousand dollars to provide tablets for various libraries in the state, which will have Mark Twain's definition of a gentleman inscribed on them. He doesn't have the definition—he's only heard about it—and he wants me to tell him where he can find it in one of my books or speeches. I couldn’t figure out what the guy was talking about when I read that letter, but shaving somehow tends to clear my mind, and it all just came to me.”

It was a situation full of amusing possibilities; but he reached no conclusion in the matter. Another telegram was brought in just then, which gave a sadder aspect to his thought, for it said that his old coachman, Patrick McAleer, who had begun in the Clemens service with the bride and groom of thirty-six years before, was very low, and could not survive more than a few days. This led him to speak of Patrick, his noble and faithful nature, and how he always claimed to be in their service, even during their long intervals of absence abroad. Clemens gave orders that everything possible should be done for Patrick's comfort. When the end came, a few days later, he traveled to Hartford to lay flowers on Patrick's bier, and to serve, with Patrick's friends—neighbor coachmen and John O'Neill, the gardener—as pall-bearer, taking his allotted place without distinction or favor.

It was a situation full of entertaining possibilities, but he couldn’t come to any conclusions. Just then, another telegram arrived, which darkened his thoughts. It said that his longtime coachman, Patrick McAleer, who had been with the Clemens family since their wedding thirty-six years ago, was very ill and had only a few days left to live. This made him reflect on Patrick’s noble and loyal nature, and how he always considered himself part of their service, even during their lengthy absences abroad. Clemens instructed that everything possible should be done to ensure Patrick's comfort. When the end came a few days later, he went to Hartford to lay flowers on Patrick's casket and to serve, alongside Patrick's friends—local coachmen and John O'Neill, the gardener—as a pallbearer, taking his place without any distinction or favoritism.

It was the following Sunday, at the Majestic Theater, in New York, that Mark Twain spoke to the Young Men's Christian Association. For several reasons it proved an unusual meeting. A large number of free tickets had been given out, far more than the place would hold; and, further, it had been announced that when the ticket-holders had been seated the admission would be free to the public. The subject chosen for the talk was “Reminiscences.”

It was the next Sunday at the Majestic Theater in New York that Mark Twain spoke to the Young Men's Christian Association. For several reasons, it turned out to be an unusual meeting. A lot of free tickets had been distributed, far exceeding the theater's capacity; and it was also announced that after the ticket holders were seated, admission would be free for the public. The topic he chose for his talk was “Reminiscences.”

When we arrived the streets were packed from side to side for a considerable distance and a riot was in progress. A great crowd had swarmed about the place, and the officials, instead of throwing the doors wide and letting the theater fill up, regardless of tickets, had locked them. As a result there was a shouting, surging human mass that presently dashed itself against the entrance. Windows and doors gave way, and there followed a wild struggle for entrance. A moment later the house was packed solid. A detachment of police had now arrived, and in time cleared the street. It was said that amid the tumult some had lost their footing and had been trampled and injured, but of this we did not learn until later. We had been taken somehow to a side entrance and smuggled into boxes.—[The paper next morning bore the head-lines: “10,000 Stampeded at the Mark Twain Meeting. Well-dressed Men and Women Clubbed by Police at Majestic Theater.” In this account the paper stated that the crowd had collected an hour before the time for opening; that nothing of the kind had been anticipated and no police preparation had been made.]

When we arrived, the streets were packed from one side to the other for quite a distance, and there was a riot happening. A large crowd had gathered around the place, and instead of opening the doors wide and letting everyone into the theater, regardless of tickets, the officials had locked them. As a result, there was a shouting, surging mass of people that soon crashed against the entrance. Windows and doors gave way, leading to a chaotic struggle to get inside. A moment later, the house was completely full. A group of police had now arrived and eventually cleared the street. It was said that in the chaos, some people lost their footing and were trampled and injured, but we didn't find out about that until later. We were somehow taken to a side entrance and sneaked into the boxes.—[The next morning, the paper had the headline: “10,000 Stampede at the Mark Twain Meeting. Well-Dressed Men and Women Clubbed by Police at Majestic Theater.” In this report, the paper stated that the crowd had gathered an hour before the opening time; that nothing like this had been expected, and no police preparation had been made.]

It was peaceful enough in the theater until Mark Twain appeared on the stage. He was wildly greeted, and when he said, slowly and seriously, “I thank you for this signal recognition of merit,” there was a still noisier outburst. In the quiet that followed he began his memories, and went wandering along from one anecdote to another in the manner of his daily dictations.

It was pretty calm in the theater until Mark Twain stepped onto the stage. The audience greeted him with enthusiastic applause, and when he said, slowly and seriously, “I thank you for this signal recognition of merit,” the cheers grew even louder. In the silence that came next, he started sharing his memories and meandered from one story to another, just like he did in his daily dictations.

At last it seemed to occur to him, in view of the character of his audience, that he ought to close with something in the nature of counsel suited to young men.

At last, it seemed to dawn on him, given the nature of his audience, that he should wrap up with advice aimed at young men.

    It is from experiences such as mine [he said] that we get our
    education of life. We string them into jewels or into tinware, as
    we may choose. I have received recently several letters asking for
    counsel or advice, the principal request being for some incident
    that may prove helpful to the young. It is my mission to teach, and
    I am always glad to furnish something. There have been a lot of
    incidents in my career to help me along—sometimes they helped me
    along faster than I wanted to go.
    It’s experiences like mine [he said] that teach us life lessons. We either turn them into treasures or into something less valuable, depending on our choice. Recently, I’ve received several letters asking for advice, with the main request being for a story that could benefit young people. Teaching is my mission, and I’m always happy to share something. I’ve had many experiences in my career that have helped me out—sometimes, they pushed me further than I was ready to go.

He took some papers from his pocket and started to unfold one of them; then, as if remembering, he asked how long he had been talking. The answer came, “Thirty-five minutes.” He made as if to leave the stage, but the audience commanded him to go on.

He took some papers out of his pocket and began to unfold one of them; then, as if he suddenly remembered, he asked how long he had been talking. The reply was, “Thirty-five minutes.” He acted like he was about to leave the stage, but the audience urged him to continue.

“All right,” he said, “I can stand more of my own talk than any one I ever knew.” Opening one of the papers, a telegram, he read:

“All right,” he said, “I can handle more of my own talk than anyone I’ve ever met.” Opening one of the papers, a telegram, he read:

“In which one of your works can we find the definition of a gentleman?” Then he added:

“In which of your works can we find the definition of a gentleman?” Then he added:

    I have not answered that telegram. I couldn't. I never wrote any
    such definition, though it seems to me that if a man has just,
    merciful, and kindly instincts he would be a gentleman, for he would
    need nothing else in this world.
    I haven't replied to that telegram. I couldn't. I never wrote any definition like that, but it seems to me that if a man has fair, compassionate, and kind instincts, he would be a gentleman, because that's all he would need in this world.

He opened a letter. “From Howells,” he said.

He opened a letter. “It's from Howells,” he said.

    My old friend, William Dean Howells—Howells, the head of American
    literature. No one is able to stand with him. He is an old, old
    friend of mine, and he writes me, “To-morrow I shall be sixty-nine
    years old.” Why, I am surprised at Howells writing so. I have
    known him myself longer than that. I am sorry to see a man trying
    to appear so young. Let's see. Howells says now, “I see you have
    been burying Patrick. I suppose he was old, too.”
 
    My old friend, William Dean Howells—Howells, the leader in American literature. No one can stand alongside him. He’s a very old friend of mine, and he writes to me, “Tomorrow I’ll be sixty-nine years old.” Honestly, I’m surprised to see Howells saying that. I’ve known him longer than that. It’s sad to see a man trying so hard to look young. Let’s see. Howells says now, “I see you’ve been burying Patrick. I guess he was old too.”

The house became very still. Most of them had read an account of Mark Twain's journey to Hartford and his last service to his faithful servitor. The speaker's next words were not much above a whisper, but every syllable was distinct.

The house fell completely silent. Most of them had read about Mark Twain's trip to Hartford and his final act of kindness towards his loyal servant. The speaker's next words were barely above a whisper, but every single syllable was clear.

    No, he was never old-Patrick. He came to us thirty-six years ago.
    He was our coachman from the day that I drove my young bride to our
    new home. He was a young Irishman, slender, tall, lithe, honest,
    truthful, and he never changed in all his life. He really was with
    us but twenty-five years, for he did not go with us to Europe; but
    he never regarded that a separation. As the children grew up he was
    their guide. He was all honor, honesty, and affection. He was with
    us in New Hampshire last summer, and his hair was just as black, his
    eyes were just as blue, his form just as straight, and his heart
    just as good as on the day we first met. In all the long years
    Patrick never made a mistake. He never needed an order; he never
    received a command. He knew. I have been asked for my idea of an
    ideal gentleman, and I give it to you—Patrick McAleer.
    No, he was never old—Patrick. He came to us thirty-six years ago. 
    He was our coachman from the day I drove my young bride to our 
    new home. He was a young Irishman, slender, tall, lithe, honest, 
    and truthful, and he never changed throughout his life. He was really with 
    us for only twenty-five years, since he didn’t go with us to Europe; but 
    he never saw that as a separation. As the children grew up, he was 
    their guide. He embodied honor, honesty, and affection. He was with 
    us in New Hampshire last summer, and his hair was just as black, his 
    eyes were just as blue, his figure just as straight, and his heart 
    just as good as on the day we first met. Throughout all those years, 
    Patrick never made a mistake. He never needed an order; he never 
    received a command. He just knew. I’ve been asked what my idea of an 
    ideal gentleman is, and I tell you—Patrick McAleer.

It was the sort of thing that no one but Mark Twain has quite been able to do, and it was just that recognized quality behind it that had made crowds jam the street and stampede the entrance to be in his presence-to see him and to hear his voice.

It was the kind of thing that no one but Mark Twain has really been able to pull off, and it was exactly that well-known quality that made crowds crowd the street and rush the entrance just to be near him—to see him and to hear his voice.





CCXLI. GORKY, HOWELLS, AND MARK TWAIN

Clemens was now fairly back again in the wash of banquets and speech-making that had claimed him on his return from England, five years before. He made no less than a dozen speeches altogether that winter, and he was continually at some feasting or other, where he was sure to be called upon for remarks. He fell out of the habit of preparing his addresses, relying upon the inspiration of the moment, merely following the procedure of his daily dictations, which had doubtless given him confidence for this departure from his earlier method. There was seldom an afternoon or an evening that he was not required, and seldom a morning that the papers did not have some report of his doings. Once more, and in a larger fashion than ever, he had become “the belle of New York.” But he was something further. An editorial in the Evening Mail said:

Clemens was now fully back in the whirlwind of banquets and speeches that had consumed him since he returned from England five years earlier. He gave no less than a dozen speeches that winter, and he was constantly attending some feast or another, where he was always called upon to say a few words. He got out of the habit of preparing his speeches, relying instead on inspiration in the moment, simply following the routine of his daily dictations, which had surely boosted his confidence to break away from his earlier approach. There was hardly an afternoon or evening that he wasn’t in demand, and rarely a morning when the papers didn’t report on his activities. Once again, and in a more significant way than ever, he had become “the belle of New York.” But he was something more. An editorial in the Evening Mail said:

    Mark Twain, in his “last and best of life for which the first was
    made,” seems to be advancing rapidly to a position which makes him a
    kind of joint Aristides, Solon, and Themistocles of the American
    metropolis—an Aristides for justness and boldness as well as
    incessancy of opinion, a Solon for wisdom and cogency, and a
    Themistocles for the democracy of his views and the popularity of
    his person.

    Things have reached the point where, if Mark Twain is not at a
    public meeting or banquet, he is expected to console it with one of
    his inimitable letters of advice and encouragement. If he deigns to
    make a public appearance there is a throng at the doors which
    overtaxes the energy and ability of the police. We must be glad
    that we have a public commentator like Mark Twain always at hand and
    his wit and wisdom continually on tap. His sound, breezy
    Mississippi Valley Americanism is a corrective to all sorts of
    snobbery. He cultivates respect for human rights by always making
    sure that he has his own.
Mark Twain, in his “last and best life for which the first was made,” seems to be quickly becoming a figure akin to a mix of Aristides, Solon, and Themistocles in American cities—an Aristides for his fairness and courage as well as his constant opinions, a Solon for his wisdom and clarity, and a Themistocles for the democratic nature of his views and his popularity.

Things have gotten to the point where, if Mark Twain isn’t at a public meeting or banquet, people expect him to uplift it with one of his unique letters of advice and encouragement. If he does decide to show up in person, there’s a crowd at the doors that overwhelms the police's ability to manage it. We should be grateful to have a public commentator like Mark Twain always available, with his humor and insight always within reach. His genuine, lively Mississippi Valley Americanism counters all kinds of snobbery. He promotes respect for human rights by ensuring that he always stands up for his own.

He talked one afternoon to the Barnard girls, and another afternoon to the Women's University Club, illustrating his talk with what purported to be moral tales. He spoke at a dinner given to City Tax Commissioner Mr. Charles Putzel; and when he was introduced there as the man who had said, “When in doubt tell the truth,” he replied that he had invented that maxim for others, but that when in doubt himself, he used more sagacity.

He talked one afternoon to the Barnard girls and another afternoon to the Women's University Club, sharing what he claimed were moral stories. He spoke at a dinner hosted for City Tax Commissioner Mr. Charles Putzel, and when he was introduced there as the guy who said, "When in doubt, tell the truth," he replied that he had created that saying for others, but when he was in doubt himself, he used more wisdom.

The speeches he made kept his hearers always in good humor; but he made them think, too, for there was always substance and sound reason and searching satire in the body of what he said.

The speeches he gave always kept his audience in a good mood, but he made them think as well, because there was always depth, solid reasoning, and pointed satire in what he said.

It was natural that there should be reporters calling frequently at Mark Twain's home, and now and then the place became a veritable storm-center of news. Such a moment arrived when it became known that a public library in Brooklyn had banished Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer from the children's room, presided over by a young woman of rather severe morals. The incident had begun in November of the previous year. One of the librarians, Asa Don Dickinson, who had vigorously voted against the decree, wrote privately of the matter. Clemens had replied:

It was only natural that reporters frequently visited Mark Twain's home, and from time to time, it turned into a real hub of news. Such a moment came when it was revealed that a public library in Brooklyn had removed Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer from the children's section, overseen by a young woman with pretty strict morals. This incident had started in November of the previous year. One of the librarians, Asa Don Dickinson, who had strongly opposed the decision, wrote privately about the situation. Clemens responded:

    DEAR SIR,—I am greatly troubled by what you say. I wrote Tom
    Sawyer & Huck Finn for adults exclusively, & it always distresses me
    when I find that boys & girls have been allowed access to them. The
    mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean.
    I know this by my own experience, & to this day I cherish an
    unappeasable bitterness against the unfaithful guardians of my young
    life, who not only permitted but compelled me to read an
    unexpurgated Bible through before I was 15 years old. None can do
    that and ever draw a clean, sweet breath again this side of the
    grave. Ask that young lady—she will tell you so.

    Most honestly do I wish that I could say a softening word or two in
    defense of Huck's character since you wish it, but really, in my
    opinion, it is no better than those of Solomon, David, & the rest of
    the sacred brotherhood.

    If there is an unexpurgated in the Children's Department, won't you
    please help that young woman remove Tom & Huck from that
    questionable companionship?

                  Sincerely yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.

    I shall not show your letter to any one-it is safe with me.
DEAR SIR,—I am really concerned by what you’ve said. I wrote Tom Sawyer & Huck Finn for adults only, and it always upsets me when I find out that kids have had access to them. The mind that gets contaminated in youth can never truly be cleansed. I know this from my own experience, and to this day, I hold a deep bitterness against the untrustworthy guardians of my early life, who not only allowed but forced me to read an unedited Bible before I turned 15. No one can go through that and ever truly breathe easily again in this life. Ask that young lady—she will tell you the same.

I genuinely wish I could say something nice in defense of Huck's character, since you want that, but honestly, in my view, it’s no better than those of Solomon, David, and the rest of the so-called holy ones.

If there’s an unedited version in the Children’s Department, could you please help that young woman remove Tom & Huck from that inappropriate company?

                  Sincerely yours,  
                                S. L. CLEMENS.

    I won’t show your letter to anyone—it’s safe with me.

Mr. Dickinson naturally kept this letter from the public, though he read it aloud to the assembled librarians, and the fact of its existence and its character eventually leaked out.—[It has been supplied to the writer by Mr. Dickinson, and is published here with his consent.]—One of the librarians who had heard it mentioned it at a theater-party in hearing of an unrealized newspaper man. This was near the end of the following March.

Mr. Dickinson naturally kept this letter from the public, though he read it aloud to the gathered librarians, and eventually, news of its existence and nature got out. —[It has been provided to the writer by Mr. Dickinson, and is published here with his approval.]— One of the librarians who heard it mentioned it at a theater party in front of a journalist who hadn’t yet made a name for himself. This was close to the end of the following March.

The “tip” was sufficient. Telephone-bells began to jingle, and groups of newspaper men gathered simultaneously on Mr. Dickinson's and on Mark Twain's door-steps. At a 21 Fifth Avenue you could hardly get in or out, for stepping on them. The evening papers surmised details, and Huck and Tom had a perfectly fresh crop of advertising, not only in America, but in distant lands. Dickinson wrote Clemens that he would not give out the letter without his authority, and Clemens replied:

The “tip” was enough. The phone bells started ringing, and groups of reporters gathered at both Mr. Dickinson's and Mark Twain's doorsteps. At 21 Fifth Avenue, it was nearly impossible to get in or out without stepping on them. The evening papers speculated about the details, and Huck and Tom got a brand-new wave of publicity, not just in America but in far-off places. Dickinson told Clemens that he wouldn't release the letter without his permission, and Clemens responded:

    Be wise as a serpent and wary as a dove! The newspaper boys want
    that letter—don't you let them get hold of it. They say you refuse
    to allow them to see it without my consent. Keep on refusing, and
    I'll take care of this end of the line.
    Be as clever as a snake and as cautious as a dove! The paperboys want that letter—don’t let them get their hands on it. They’re claiming you won’t let them see it without my permission. Keep saying no, and I’ll handle things from my side.

In a recent letter to the writer Mr. Dickinson states that Mark Twain's solicitude was for the librarian, whom he was unwilling to involve in difficulties with his official superiors, and he adds:

In a recent letter, Mr. Dickinson mentions that Mark Twain was concerned about the librarian, as he didn't want to put them in a tough spot with their bosses, and he adds:

    There may be some doubt as to whether Mark Twain was or was not a
    religious man, for there are many definitions of the word religion.
    He was certainly a hater of conventions, had no patience with
    sanctimony and bibliolatry, and was perhaps irreverent. But any one
    who reads carefully the description of the conflict in Huck's soul,
    in regard to the betrayal of Jim, will credit the creator of the
    scene with deep and true moral feeling.
There may be some uncertainty about whether Mark Twain was a religious person, since there are many definitions of religion. He definitely disliked conventions, had no tolerance for hypocrisy and idolizing the Bible, and might have been seen as irreverent. However, anyone who closely reads the portrayal of Huck's inner struggle about betraying Jim will recognize that the creator of this scene had a deep and genuine sense of morality.

The reporters thinned out in the course of a few days when no result was forthcoming; but they were all back again presently when the Maxim Gorky fiasco came along. The distinguished revolutionist, Tchaykoffsky, as a sort of advance agent for Gorky, had already called upon Clemens to enlist his sympathy in their mission, which was to secure funds in the cause of Russian emancipation. Clemens gave his sympathy, and now promised his aid, though he did not hesitate to discourage the mission. He said that American enthusiasm in such matters stopped well above their pockets, and that this revolutionary errand would fail. Howells, too, was of this opinion. In his account of the episode he says:

The reporters gradually left over a few days when nothing came of it; but they all returned shortly after the Maxim Gorky mess happened. The well-known revolutionary, Tchaykoffsky, had already visited Clemens to get his support for their mission, which was to raise funds for Russian freedom. Clemens expressed his support and promised to help, although he didn’t hesitate to discourage the mission. He pointed out that American enthusiasm for these causes rarely translated to actual financial contributions and that this revolutionary effort would likely fail. Howells agreed with this perspective. In his account of the situation, he states:

    I told a valued friend of his and mine that I did not believe he
    could get twenty-five hundred dollars, and I think now I set the
    figure too high.
    I told a mutual friend of ours that I didn't believe he could raise twenty-five hundred dollars, and I now think I set the amount too high.

Clemens's interest, however, grew. He attended a dinner given to Gorky at the “A Club,” No. 3 Fifth Avenue, and introduced Gorky to the diners. Also he wrote a letter to be read by Tchaykoffsky at a meeting held at the Grand Central Palace, where three thousand people gathered to hear this great revolutionist recite the story of Russia's wrongs. The letter ran:

Clemens's interest, however, increased. He went to a dinner for Gorky at the “A Club,” No. 3 Fifth Avenue, and introduced Gorky to the guests. He also wrote a letter for Tchaykoffsky to read at a meeting at the Grand Central Palace, where three thousand people gathered to listen to this great revolutionary talk about Russia's injustices. The letter said:

    DEAR MR. TCHAYKOFFSKY,—My sympathies are with the Russian
    revolution, of course. It goes without saying. I hope it will
    succeed, and now that I have talked with you I take heart to believe
    it will. Government by falsified promises, by lies, by treachery,
    and by the butcher-knife, for the aggrandizement of a single family
    of drones and its idle and vicious kin has been borne quite long
    enough in Russia, I should think. And it is to be hoped that the
    roused nation, now rising in its strength, will presently put an end
    to it and set up the republic in its place. Some of us, even the
    white-headed, may live to see the blessed day when tsars and grand
    dukes will be as scarce there as I trust they are in heaven.
           Most sincerely yours,
                            MARK TWAIN.
    DEAR MR. TCHAYKOFFSKY,—Of course, I support the Russian revolution. That goes without saying. I hope it succeeds, and after talking with you, I feel more optimistic about it. The people of Russia have put up with a government built on false promises, lies, treachery, and violence for the benefit of a single corrupt family and its lazy, harmful relatives for far too long. It’s time for the awakened nation, now gaining strength, to put an end to that and create a republic in its place. Some of us, even those of us who are older, may live to see the wonderful day when tsars and grand dukes are as rare there as I hope they are in heaven.
           Most sincerely yours,
                            MARK TWAIN.

Clemens and Howells called on Gorky and agreed to figure prominently in a literary dinner to be given in his honor. The movement was really assuming considerable proportions, when suddenly something happened which caused it to flatten permanently, and rather ridiculously.

Clemens and Howells visited Gorky and decided to play a significant role in a literary dinner being held in his honor. The movement was gaining quite a bit of traction when, out of nowhere, something occurred that made it fizzle out for good, in a rather absurd way.

Arriving at 21 Fifth Avenue, one afternoon, I met Howells coming out. I thought he had an unhappy, hunted look. I went up to the study, and on opening the door I found the atmosphere semi-opaque with cigar smoke, and Clemens among the drifting blue wreaths and layers, pacing up and down rather fiercely. He turned, inquiringly, as I entered. I had clipped a cartoon from a morning paper, which pictured him as upsetting the Tsar's throne—the kind of thing he was likely to enjoy. I said:

Arriving at 21 Fifth Avenue one afternoon, I ran into Howells as he was coming out. He looked tense and troubled. I went up to the study, and when I opened the door, I found the air thick with cigar smoke, and Clemens was pacing back and forth among the swirling blue clouds. He turned to me with a questioning look as I walked in. I had cut out a cartoon from the morning paper that depicted him toppling the Tsar's throne—exactly the sort of thing he would probably find amusing. I said:

“Here is something perhaps you may wish to see, Mr. Clemens.”

“Here’s something you might want to see, Mr. Clemens.”

He shook his head violently.

He shook his head vigorously.

“No, I can't see anything now,” and in another moment had disappeared into his own room. Something extraordinary had happened. I wondered if, after all their lifelong friendship, he and Howells had quarreled. I was naturally curious, but it was not a good time to investigate. By and by I went down on the street, where the newsboys were calling extras. When I had bought one, and glanced at the first page, I knew. Gorky had been expelled from his hotel for having brought to America, as his wife, a woman not so recognized by the American laws. Madame Andreieva, a Russian actress, was a leader in the cause of freedom, and by Russian custom her relation with Gorky was recognized and respected; but it was not sufficiently orthodox for American conventions, and it was certainly unfortunate that an apostle of high purpose should come handicapped in that way. Apparently the news had already reached Howells and Clemens, and they had been feverishly discussing what was best to do about the dinner.

“No, I can't see anything now,” and in a moment he had disappeared into his own room. Something extraordinary had happened. I wondered if, after all their lifelong friendship, he and Howells had had a falling out. I was naturally curious, but it wasn’t a good time to investigate. Eventually, I went down to the street, where the newsboys were shouting extras. After buying one and glancing at the front page, I understood. Gorky had been kicked out of his hotel for bringing a woman to America as his wife, someone who wasn't recognized by American law. Madame Andreieva, a Russian actress, was a leader in the cause of freedom, and according to Russian customs, her relationship with Gorky was acknowledged and respected; however, it didn’t conform to American standards, and it was certainly unfortunate that an advocate of high ideals should face such a setback. Apparently, the news had already reached Howells and Clemens, and they had been anxiously discussing what to do about the dinner.

Within a day or two Gorky and Madame Andreieva were evicted from a procession of hotels, and of course the papers rang with the head-lines. An army of reporters was chasing Clemens and Howells. The Russian revolution was entirely forgotten in this more lively, more intimate domestic interest. Howells came again, the reporters following and standing guard at the door below. In 'My Mark Twain' he says:

Within a day or two, Gorky and Madame Andreieva were kicked out of a series of hotels, and naturally, the papers were filled with headlines about it. A crowd of reporters was chasing Clemens and Howells. The Russian revolution was completely overshadowed by this more engaging, personal domestic affair. Howells visited again, with reporters trailing behind and waiting at the door downstairs. In 'My Mark Twain' he says:

    That was the moment of the great Vesuvian eruption, and we figured
    ourselves in easy reach of a volcano which was every now and then
    “blowing a cone off,” as the telegraphic phrase was. The roof of
    the great market in Naples had just broken in under its load of
    ashes and cinders, and crushed hundreds of people; and we asked each
    other if we were not sorry we had not been there, where the pressure
    would have been far less terrific than it was with us in Fifth
    Avenue. The forbidden butler came up with a message that there were
    some gentlemen below who wanted to see Clemens.

    “How many?” he demanded.

    “Five,” the butler faltered.

    “Reporters?”

    The butler feigned uncertainty.

    “What would you do?” he asked me.

    “I wouldn't see them,” I said, and then Clemens went directly down
    to them. How or by what means he appeased their voracity I cannot
    say, but I fancy it was by the confession of the exact truth, which
    was harmless enough. They went away joyfully, and he came back in
    radiant satisfaction with having seen them.
That was the moment of the huge eruption from Vesuvius, and we felt we were close enough to a volcano that was occasionally "blowing its top," as the telegraph phrase went. The roof of the big market in Naples had just caved in under the weight of ash and cinders, crushing hundreds of people; we wondered if we should be sorry we weren’t there, since the pressure would have been much less intense than it was for us on Fifth Avenue. The forbidden butler came up with a message that there were some guys downstairs who wanted to see Clemens.

“How many?” he asked.

“Five,” the butler replied hesitantly.

“Reporters?”

The butler pretended he didn’t know.

“What would you do?” he asked me.

“I wouldn’t see them,” I said, but then Clemens went straight down to meet them. How or by what means he satisfied their curiosity, I can’t say, but I imagine it was by simply telling the honest truth, which was harmless enough. They left happy, and he returned beaming with satisfaction at having met with them.

It is not quite clear at this time just what word was sent to Gorky but the matter must have been settled that night, for Clemens was in a fine humor next morning. It was before dictation time, and he came drifting into the study and began at once to speak of the dinner and the impossibility of its being given now. Then he said:

It’s not entirely clear right now what message was sent to Gorky, but the issue must have been resolved that night because Clemens was in a great mood the next morning. It was before dictation time, and he drifted into the study and immediately started talking about the dinner and how impossible it was to hold it now. Then he said:

“American public opinion is a delicate fabric. It shrivels like the webs of morning at the lightest touch.”

“American public opinion is a fragile thing. It shrinks like morning dew at the slightest touch.”

Later in the day he made this memorandum:

Later in the day, he wrote this note:

    Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped, but an openly
    transgressed custom brings sure punishment. The penalty may be
    unfair, unrighteous, illogical, and a cruelty; no matter, it will be
    inflicted just the same. Certainly, then, there can be but one wise
    thing for a visiting stranger to do—find out what the country's
    customs are and refrain from offending against them.

    The efforts which have been made in Gorky's justification are
    entitled to all respect because of the magnanimity of the motive
    back of them, but I think that the ink was wasted. Custom is
    custom: it is built of brass, boiler-iron, granite; facts,
    seasonings, arguments have no more effect upon it than the idle
    winds have upon Gibraltar.—[To Dan Beard he said, “Gorky made an
    awful mistake, Dan. He might as well have come over here in his
    shirt-tail.”]
    Laws can be dodged and punishment avoided, but openly breaking a custom brings swift consequences. The punishment might be unfair, unjust, illogical, and cruel; still, it will be enforced regardless. So, there's really only one smart thing for a visiting stranger to do—learn the country’s customs and make sure not to offend them.

    The efforts made to justify Gorky deserve respect because of the noble intention behind them, but I think it was a wasted effort. Custom is custom: it’s as solid as brass, boiler-iron, granite; facts, arguments, and reasoning have no more impact on it than the gentle winds have on Gibraltar.—[To Dan Beard he said, “Gorky made a huge mistake, Dan. He might as well have come over here in his underwear.”]

The Gorky disturbance had hardly begun to subside when there came another upheaval that snuffed it out completely. On the afternoon of the 18th of April I heard, at The Players, a wandering telephonic rumor that a great earthquake was going on in San Francisco. Half an hour later, perhaps, I met Clemens coming out of No. 21. He asked:

The Gorky disturbance had barely started to settle down when another upheaval completely overwhelmed it. On the afternoon of April 18th, I heard at The Players a vague phone rumor that a massive earthquake was hitting San Francisco. About half an hour later, I ran into Clemens as he was leaving No. 21. He asked:

“Have you heard the news about San Francisco?”

“Have you heard the news about San Francisco?”

I said I had heard a rumor of an earthquake; and had seen an extra with big scare-heads; but I supposed the matter was exaggerated.

I said I had heard a rumor about an earthquake and had seen a newspaper with bold headlines, but I figured the whole thing was blown out of proportion.

“No,” he said, “I am afraid it isn't. We have just had a telephone message that it is even worse than at first reported. A great fire is consuming the city. Come along to the news-stand and we'll see if there is a later edition.”

“No,” he said, “I’m afraid it’s not. We just got a phone message that it’s even worse than initially reported. A huge fire is tearing through the city. Come on to the newsstand and let’s see if there’s a later edition.”

We walked to Sixth Avenue and Eighth Street and got some fresh extras. The news was indeed worse, than at first reported. San Francisco was going to destruction. Clemens was moved deeply, and began to recall this old friend and that whose lives and property might be in danger. He spoke of Joe Goodman and the Gillis families, and pictured conditions in the perishing city.

We walked to Sixth Avenue and Eighth Street and picked up some fresh extras. The news was actually worse than initially reported. San Francisco was facing devastation. Clemens was really affected and started to think about this old friend and that one whose lives and property could be at risk. He mentioned Joe Goodman and the Gillis families and imagined the situation in the dying city.





CCXLII. MARK TWAIN'S GOOD-BY TO THE PLATFORM

It was on April 19, 1906, the day following the great earthquake, that Mark Twain gave a “Farewell Lecture” at Carnegie Hall for the benefit of the Robert Fulton Memorial Association. Some weeks earlier Gen. Frederick D. Grant, its president, had proposed to pay one thousand dollars for a Mark Twain lecture; but Clemens' had replied that he was permanently out of the field, and would never again address any audience that had to pay to hear him.

It was on April 19, 1906, the day after the massive earthquake, that Mark Twain delivered a “Farewell Lecture” at Carnegie Hall to benefit the Robert Fulton Memorial Association. A few weeks earlier, Gen. Frederick D. Grant, its president, had offered to pay a thousand dollars for a Mark Twain lecture; however, Clemens responded that he was permanently retired from speaking engagements and would never again address an audience that had to pay to hear him.

“I always expect to talk as long as I can get people to listen to me,” he sand, “but I never again expect to charge for it.” Later came one of his inspirations, and he wrote: “I will lecture for one thousand dollars, on one condition: that it will be understood to be my farewell lecture, and that I may contribute the thousand dollars to the Fulton Association.”

“I always expect to talk for as long as people will listen to me,” he said, “but I never expect to charge for it again.” Later, he had one of his ideas and wrote: “I will lecture for one thousand dollars, but only on the condition that it’s understood to be my farewell lecture, and that I can donate the thousand dollars to the Fulton Association.”

It was a suggestion not to be discouraged, and the bills and notices, “Mark Twain's Farewell Lecture,” were published without delay.

It was a suggestion not to get discouraged, and the bills and notices, “Mark Twain's Farewell Lecture,” were published right away.

I first heard of the matter one afternoon when General Grant had called. Clemens came into the study where I was working; he often wandered in and out-sometimes without a word, sometimes to relieve himself concerning things in general. But this time he suddenly chilled me by saying:

I first heard about it one afternoon when General Grant had come by. Clemens walked into the study where I was working; he often popped in and out—sometimes without saying a word, sometimes to vent about things in general. But this time, he suddenly gave me a chill by saying:

“I'm going to deliver my farewell lecture, and I want you to appear on the stage and help me.”

“I'm going to give my farewell lecture, and I want you to come on stage and assist me.”

I feebly expressed my pleasure at the prospect. Then he said:

I weakly showed my excitement about the idea. Then he said:

“I am going to lecture on Fulton—on the story of his achievements. It will be a burlesque, of course, and I am going to pretend to forget my facts, and I want you to sit there in a chair. Now and then, when I seem to get stuck, I'll lean over and pretend to ask you some thing, and I want you to pretend to prompt me. You don't need to laugh, or to pretend to be assisting in the performance any more than just that.” HANDBILL OF MARK TWAIN'S “FAREWELL LECTURE”:

“I’m going to give a talk about Fulton—about his accomplishments. It’ll be a bit of a comedy, of course, and I’ll act like I’m forgetting my facts. I want you to sit in your chair. Every now and then, when I seem to hit a wall, I’ll lean over and pretend to ask you something, and I want you to pretend to help me out. You don’t need to laugh or act like you’re part of the show any more than that.” HANDBILL OF MARK TWAIN'S “FAREWELL LECTURE”:

                      MARK TWAIN

             Will Deliver His Farewell Lecture


                    CARNEGIE HALL.

                    APRIL 19TH, 1906

                   FOR THE BENEFIT OF

             Robert Fulton Memorial Association

             MILITARY ORGANIZATION OLD GUARD IN
             FULL DRESS UNIFORM WILL BE PRESENT

                MUSIC BY OLD GUARD BAND

           TICKETS AND BOXES ON SALE AT CARNEGIE HALL
                  AND WALDORF-ASTORIA

               SEATS $1.50, $1.00, 50 CENTS
                      MARK TWAIN

             Will Deliver His Farewell Lecture


                    CARNEGIE HALL.

                    APRIL 19TH, 1906

                   FOR THE BENEFIT OF

             Robert Fulton Memorial Association

             MILITARY ORGANIZATION OLD GUARD IN
             FULL DRESS UNIFORM WILL BE PRESENT

                MUSIC BY OLD GUARD BAND

           TICKETS AND BOXES ON SALE AT CARNEGIE HALL
                  AND WALDORF-ASTORIA

               SEATS $1.50, $1.00, 50 CENTS

It was not likely that I should laugh. I had a sinking feeling in the cardiac region which does not go with mirth. It did not for the moment occur to me that the stage would be filled with eminent citizens and vice-presidents, and I had a vision of myself sitting there alone in the chair in that wide emptiness, with the chief performer directing attention to me every other moment or so, for perhaps an hour. Let me hurry on to say that it did not happen. I dare say he realized my unfitness for the work, and the far greater appropriateness of conferring the honor on General Grant, for in the end he gave him the assignment, to my immeasurable relief.

I probably shouldn't have been laughing. I felt a heavy weight in my chest that didn’t match the moment. It didn’t even cross my mind that the stage would be full of important figures and vice presidents, and I pictured myself sitting alone in that vast emptiness, while the main performer kept drawing attention to me every few moments for maybe an hour. Let me quickly say that it didn’t happen. I guess he realized I wasn’t right for the task and that it made much more sense to give the honor to General Grant, because in the end, he assigned it to him, which relieved me immensely.

It was a magnificent occasion. That spacious hall was hung with bunting, the stage was banked and festooned with decoration of every sort. General Grant, surrounded by his splendidly uniformed staff, sat in the foreground, and behind was ranged a levee of foremost citizens of the republic. The band played “America” as Mark Twain entered, and the great audience rose and roared out its welcome. Some of those who knew him best had hoped that on this occasion of his last lecture he would tell of that first appearance in San Francisco, forty years before, when his fortunes had hung in the balance. Perhaps he did not think of it, and no one had had the courage to suggest it. At all events, he did a different thing. He began by making a strong plea for the smitten city where the flames were still raging, urging prompt help for those who had lost not only their homes, but the last shred of their belongings and their means of livelihood. Then followed his farcical history of Fulton, with General Grant to make the responses, and presently he drifted into the kind of lecture he had given so often in his long trip around the world-retelling the tales which had won him fortune and friends in many lands.

It was an amazing occasion. The spacious hall was decorated with bunting, and the stage was adorned with all sorts of decorations. General Grant, surrounded by his well-uniformed staff, sat in the foreground, while a group of prominent citizens from the republic stood behind him. The band played "America" as Mark Twain entered, and the huge audience stood and cheered to welcome him. Some of those who knew him best had hoped that, during his final lecture, he would reminisce about his first appearance in San Francisco, forty years earlier, when his future had been uncertain. Perhaps he didn’t think of it, and no one had the courage to bring it up. In any case, he chose to do something different. He started with a heartfelt appeal for the devastated city where the fires were still burning, urging prompt aid for those who had lost not only their homes but also everything they owned and their means of making a living. Then he proceeded with his humorous history of Fulton, with General Grant responding, and soon he transitioned into the kind of lecture he often gave during his lengthy travels around the world—retelling the stories that had earned him fortune and friends in many countries.

I do not know whether the entertainment was long or short. I think few took account of time. To a letter of inquiry as to how long the entertainment would last, he had replied:

I don't know if the entertainment was long or short. I think few people paid attention to the time. In response to a letter asking how long the entertainment would last, he had replied:

    I cannot say for sure. It is my custom to keep on talking till I
    get the audience cowed. Sometimes it takes an hour and fifteen
    minutes, sometimes I can do it in an hour.
    I can't say for sure. I usually keep talking until I have the audience intimidated. Sometimes it takes an hour and fifteen minutes, and sometimes I can do it in an hour.

There was no indication at any time that the audience was cowed. The house was packed, and the applause was so recurrent and continuous that often his voice was lost to those in its remoter corners. It did not matter. The tales were familiar to his hearers; merely to see Mark Twain, in his old age and in that splendid setting, relating them was enough. The audience realized that it was witnessing the close of a heroic chapter in a unique career.

There was no sign at any point that the audience felt intimidated. The venue was full, and the applause was so frequent and ongoing that often his voice couldn't be heard in the farther corners. It didn't matter. The stories were well-known to the listeners; just seeing Mark Twain, in his older years and in that impressive setting, sharing them was enough. The audience understood that they were witnessing the end of an extraordinary chapter in a remarkable career.





CCXLIII. AN INVESTMENT IN REDDING

Many of the less important happenings seem worth remembering now. Among them was the sale, at the Nast auction, of the Mark Twain letters, already mentioned. The fact that these letters brought higher prices than any others offered in this sale was gratifying. Roosevelt, Grant, and even Lincoln items were sold; but the Mark Twain letters led the list. One of them sold for forty-three dollars, which was said to be the highest price ever paid for the letter of a living man. It was the letter written in 1877, quoted earlier in this work, in which Clemens proposed the lecture tour to Nast. None of the Clemens-Nast letters brought less than twenty-seven dollars, and some of them were very brief. It was a new measurement of public sentiment. Clemens, when he heard of it, said:

Many of the less significant events seem worth remembering now. Among them was the sale, at the Nast auction, of the Mark Twain letters, which have already been mentioned. The fact that these letters fetched higher prices than any others in the auction was satisfying. Items from Roosevelt, Grant, and even Lincoln were sold, but the Mark Twain letters topped the list. One of them sold for forty-three dollars, reportedly the highest price ever paid for a letter from a living person. It was the letter written in 1877, quoted earlier in this work, in which Clemens proposed the lecture tour to Nast. None of the Clemens-Nast letters sold for less than twenty-seven dollars, and some of them were very brief. It was a new indication of public sentiment. When Clemens heard about it, he said:

“I can't rise to General Grant's lofty place in the estimation of this country; but it is a deep satisfaction to me to know that when it comes to letter-writing he can't sit in the front seat along with me. That forty-three-dollar letter ought to be worth as much as eighty-six dollars after I'm dead.”

“I can't match General Grant's high status in this country, but it really satisfies me to know that when it comes to writing letters, he can't rank with me. That forty-three-dollar letter should be worth as much as eighty-six dollars after I'm gone.”

A perpetual string of callers came to 21 Fifth Avenue, and it kept the secretary busy explaining to most of them why Mark Twain could not entertain their propositions, or listen to their complaints, or allow them to express in person their views on public questions. He did see a great many of what might be called the milder type persons who were evidently sincere and not too heavily freighted with eloquence. Of these there came one day a very gentle-spoken woman who had promised that she would stay but a moment, and say no more than a few words, if only she might sit face to face with the great man. It was in the morning hour before the dictations, and he received her, quite correctly clad in his beautiful dressing-robe and propped against his pillows. She kept her contract to the letter; but when she rose to go she said, in a voice of deepest reverence:

A steady stream of visitors came to 21 Fifth Avenue, keeping the secretary busy explaining to most of them why Mark Twain couldn’t entertain their proposals, listen to their complaints, or allow them to share their thoughts on public issues in person. He did meet quite a few of what might be called the gentler type of people who were clearly sincere and not overly burdened with grandiloquence. One day, a very soft-spoken woman came by who promised she would only stay a moment and say just a few words if she could sit face to face with the famous author. It was in the morning before dictations, and he welcomed her, dressed appropriately in his beautiful robe and propped up against his pillows. She kept her promise to the letter; but when she stood to leave, she said, in a voice full of deep respect:

“May I kiss your hand?”

“Can I kiss your hand?”

It was a delicate situation, and might easily have been made ludicrous. Denial would have hurt her. As it was, he lifted his hand, a small, exquisite hand it was, with the gentle dignity and poise of a king, and she touched her lips to it with what was certainly adoration. Then, as she went, she said:

It was a tricky situation that could have easily turned ridiculous. Denying it would have hurt her. As it happened, he raised his hand, a small, beautiful hand, with the graceful dignity and poise of a king, and she pressed her lips to it with what was definitely admiration. Then, as she left, she said:

“How God must love you!”

“How much God must love you!”

“I hope so,” he said, softly, and he did not even smile; but after she had gone he could not help saying, in a quaint, half-pathetic voice “I guess she hasn't heard of our strained relations.”

“I hope so,” he said gently, and he didn’t even smile; but after she left, he couldn’t help but say, in a somewhat awkward, half-sad voice, “I guess she hasn’t heard about our rocky relationship.”

Sitting in that royal bed, clad in that rich fashion, he easily conveyed the impression of royalty, and watching him through those marvelous mornings he seemed never less than a king, as indeed he was—the king of a realm without national boundaries. Some of those nearest to him fell naturally into the habit of referring to him as “the King,” and in time the title crept out of the immediate household and was taken up by others who loved him.

Sitting in that royal bed, dressed in fine clothes, he gave off an air of royalty, and watching him during those beautiful mornings, he seemed like nothing less than a king, which he truly was—the king of a kingdom without borders. Some of those closest to him naturally started calling him “the King,” and over time, the title spread beyond his immediate household and was adopted by others who cared for him.

He had been more than once photographed in his bed; but it was by those who had come and gone in a brief time, with little chance to study his natural attitudes. I had acquired some knowledge of the camera, and I obtained his permission to let me photograph him—a permission he seldom denied to any one. We had no dictations on Saturdays, and I took the pictures on one of these holiday mornings. He was so patient and tractable, and so natural in every attitude, that it was a delight to make the negatives. I was afraid he would become impatient, and made fewer exposures than I might otherwise have done. I think he expected very little from this amateur performance; but, by that happy element of accident which plays so large a part in photographic success, the results were better than I had hoped for. When I brought him the prints, a few days later, he expressed pleasure and asked, “Why didn't you make more?”

He had been photographed in bed more than once, but only by people who were there briefly and didn’t really get a chance to capture his natural poses. I had learned some about photography, and I got his permission to take his picture—something he rarely denied anyone. We didn’t have any classes on Saturdays, so I took the photos on one of those days off. He was incredibly patient and easygoing, and he looked so natural in every pose that it made taking the pictures enjoyable. I worried he might get impatient, so I took fewer shots than I could have. I think he didn’t expect much from my amateur attempt, but thanks to that lucky element of chance that plays a big role in photography, the results turned out better than I’d expected. When I showed him the prints a few days later, he seemed pleased and asked, “Why didn’t you take more?”

Among them was one in an attitude which had grown so familiar to us, that of leaning over to get his pipe from the smoking-table, and this seemed to give him particular satisfaction. It being a holiday, he had not donned his dressing-gown, which on the whole was well for the photographic result. He spoke of other pictures that had been made of him, especially denouncing one photograph, taken some twenty years before by Sarony, a picture, as he said, of a gorilla in an overcoat, which the papers and magazines had insisted on using ever since.

Among them was one person in a pose that had become so familiar to us—leaning over to grab his pipe from the smoking table, which seemed to bring him particular satisfaction. Since it was a holiday, he hadn't put on his dressing gown, which was probably better for the overall look of the photo. He talked about other pictures of him, especially criticizing one taken about twenty years ago by Sarony, which he described as a photo of a gorilla in an overcoat, and which the newspapers and magazines had kept using ever since.

“Sarony was as enthusiastic about wild animals as he was about photography, and when Du Chaillu brought over the first gorilla he sent for me to look at it and see if our genealogy was straight. I said it was, and Sarony was so excited that I had recognized the resemblance between us, that he wanted to make it more complete, so he borrowed my overcoat and put it on the gorilla and photographed it, and spread that picture out over the world as mine. It turns up every week in some newspaper or magazine; but it's not my favorite; I have tried to get it suppressed.”

“Sarony was just as passionate about wild animals as he was about photography, and when Du Chaillu brought over the first gorilla, he called me to check it out and see if our family resemblance was accurate. I confirmed it was, and Sarony was so thrilled that I noticed the similarity between us that he wanted to enhance it further. He borrowed my overcoat, put it on the gorilla, and took a photo, spreading that picture all over the world as if it were mine. I see it pop up every week in some newspaper or magazine, but it's not my favorite; I've tried to get it taken down.”

Mark Twain made his first investment in Redding that spring. I had located there the autumn before, and bought a vacant old house, with a few acres of land, at what seemed a modest price. I was naturally enthusiastic over the bargain, and the beauty and salubrity of the situation. His interest was aroused, and when he learned that there was a place adjoining, equally reasonable and perhaps even more attractive, he suggested immediately that I buy it for him; and he wanted to write a check then for the purchase price, for fear the opportunity might be lost. I think there was then no purpose in his mind of building a country home; but he foresaw that such a site, at no great distance from New York, would become more valuable, and he had plenty of idle means. The purchase was made without difficulty—a tract of seventy-five acres, to which presently was added another tract of one hundred and ten acres, and subsequently still other parcels of land, to complete the ownership of the hilltop, for it was not long until he had conceived the idea of a home. He was getting weary of the heavy pressure of city life. He craved the retirement of solitude—one not too far from the maelstrom, so that he might mingle with it now and then when he chose. The country home would not be begun for another year yet, but the purpose of it was already in the air. No one of the family had at this time seen the location.

Mark Twain made his first investment in Redding that spring. I had moved there the autumn before and bought an old vacant house with a few acres of land at what seemed like a reasonable price. I was naturally excited about the deal, as well as the beauty and healthiness of the area. His interest was piqued, and when he found out there was an adjacent property that was equally affordable and perhaps even more appealing, he immediately suggested that I buy it for him; he wanted to write a check right then for the purchase price, fearing the opportunity might disappear. At that point, he probably didn't plan to build a country home, but he anticipated that a site so close to New York would increase in value, and he had plenty of extra funds. The purchase went smoothly—a tract of seventy-five acres, to which later another one hundred and ten acres were added, and eventually more parcels of land were acquired to encompass the entire hilltop, as it wasn't long before he had the idea of a home. He was becoming tired of the intense pressure of city life. He longed for a quiet retreat—one not too far from the chaos, so he could join it when he wanted to. The country home wouldn’t start for another year, but the idea was already in the air. At that time, no one in the family had seen the location.





CCXLIV. TRAITS AND PHILOSOPHIES

I brought to the dictation one morning the Omar Khayyam card which Twichell had written him so long ago; I had found it among the letters. It furnished him a subject for that morning. He said:

I brought the Omar Khayyam card that Twichell had written to him a long time ago to the dictation one morning; I found it among the letters. It gave him something to talk about that morning. He said:

    How strange there was a time when I had never heard of Omar Khayyam!
    When that card arrived I had already read the dozen quatrains or so
    in the morning paper, and was still steeped in the ecstasy of
    delight which they occasioned. No poem had ever given me so much
    pleasure before, and none has given me so much pleasure since. It
    is the only poem I have ever carried about with me. It has not been
    from under my hand all these years.
How strange it is that there was a time when I had never heard of Omar Khayyam! When that card arrived, I had already read the dozen or so quatrains in the morning paper and was still immersed in the joy they brought me. No poem has ever given me as much pleasure before, and none has given me so much pleasure since. It's the only poem I've ever kept with me. It hasn’t left my side all these years.

He had no general fondness for poetry; but many poems appealed to him, and on occasion he liked to read them aloud. Once, during the dictation, some verses were sent up by a young authoress who was waiting below for his verdict. The lines pictured a phase of negro life, and she wished to know if he thought them worthy of being read at some Tuskegee ceremony. He did not fancy the idea of attending to the matter just then and said:

He wasn't generally a fan of poetry, but there were many poems that spoke to him, and sometimes he enjoyed reading them aloud. Once, during dictation, some lines were sent up by a young female author who was waiting below for his feedback. The verses portrayed a aspect of Black life, and she wanted to know if he thought they were good enough to be read at some ceremony at Tuskegee. He wasn't keen on dealing with it at that moment and said:

“Tell her she can read it. She has my permission. She may commit any crime she wishes in my name.”

“Tell her she can read it. She has my permission. She can do whatever she wants in my name.”

It was urged that the verses were of high merit and the author a very charming young lady.

It was suggested that the verses were of great quality and the author was a very lovely young woman.

“I'm very glad,” he said, “and I am glad the Lord made her; I hope He will make some more just like her. I don't always approve of His handiwork, but in this case I do.”

“I'm really happy,” he said, “and I'm glad the Lord created her; I hope He will create more just like her. I don't always agree with His work, but in this case, I do.”

Then suddenly he added:

Then he suddenly added:

“Well, let me see it—no time like the present to get rid of these things.”

“Well, let me see it—there's no better time than now to get rid of these things.”

He took the manuscript and gave such a rendition of those really fine verses as I believe could not be improved upon. We were held breathless by his dramatic fervor and power. He returned a message to that young aspirant that must have made her heart sing. When the dictation had ended that day, I mentioned his dramatic gift.

He took the manuscript and delivered such an interpretation of those truly beautiful verses that I think couldn’t be improved upon. We were captivated by his dramatic passion and intensity. He sent a message back to that young dreamer that must have made her heart soar. When the dictation wrapped up that day, I brought up his dramatic talent.

“Yes,” he said, “it is a gift, I suppose, like spelling and punctuation and smoking. I seem to have inherited all those.” Continuing, he spoke of inherited traits in general.

“Yes,” he said, “I guess it’s a gift, like spelling, punctuation, and smoking. I seem to have inherited all of those.” Continuing, he talked about inherited traits in general.

“There was Paige,” he said; “an ignorant man who could not make a machine himself that would stand up, nor draw the working plans for one; but he invented the eighteen thousand details of the most wonderful machine the world has ever known. He watched over the expert draftsmen, and superintended the building of that marvel. Pratt & Whitney built it; but it was Paige's machine, nevertheless—the child of his marvelous gift. We don't create any of our traits; we inherit all of them. They have come down to us from what we impudently call the lower animals. Man is the last expression, and combines every attribute of the animal tribes that preceded him. One or two conspicuous traits distinguish each family of animals from the others, and those one or two traits are found in every member of each family, and are so prominent as to eternally and unchangeably establish the character of that branch of the animal world. In these cases we concede that the several temperaments constitute a law of God, a command of God, and that whatsoever is done in obedience to that law is blameless. Man, in his evolution, inherited the whole sum of these numerous traits, and with each trait its share of the law of God. He widely differs from them in this: that he possesses not a single characteristic that is equally prominent in each member of his race. You can say the housefly is limitlessly brave, and in saying it you describe the whole house-fly tribe; you can say the rabbit is limitlessly timid, and by the phrase you describe the whole rabbit tribe; you can say the spider and the tiger are limitlessly murderous, and by that phrase you describe the whole spider and tiger tribes; you can say the lamb is limitlessly innocent and sweet and gentle, and by that phrase you describe all the lambs. There is hardly a creature that you cannot definitely and satisfactorily describe by one single trait—except man. Men are not all cowards like the rabbit, nor all brave like the house-fly, nor all sweet and innocent and gentle like the lamb, nor all murderous like the spider and the tiger and the wasp, nor all thieves like the fox and the bluejay, nor all vain like the peacock, nor all frisky like the monkey. These things are all in him somewhere, and they develop according to the proportion of each he received in his allotment: We describe a man by his vicious traits and condemn him; or by his fine traits and gifts, and praise him and accord him high merit for their possession. It is comical. He did not invent these things; he did not stock himself with them. God conferred them upon him in the first instant of creation. They constitute the law, and he could not escape obedience to the decree any more than Paige could have built the type-setter he invented, or the Pratt & Whitney machinists could have invented the machine which they built.”

“There was Paige,” he said; “an ignorant man who couldn’t build a machine himself or draw the plans for one; but he created the eighteen thousand details of the most amazing machine the world has ever seen. He oversaw the expert draftsmen and managed the construction of that marvel. Pratt & Whitney built it; but it was Paige's machine, after all—the product of his incredible talent. We don’t create any of our traits; we inherit all of them. They’ve come down to us from what we arrogantly call the lower animals. Man is the final expression and combines every characteristic of the animal species that came before him. Each family of animals has one or two notable traits that set it apart, and those traits are found in every member of that family, so prominently that they permanently define the character of that part of the animal kingdom. In such cases, we acknowledge that the various temperaments represent a law of God, a command from God, and that anything done in accordance with that law is blameless. Man, in his evolution, inherited the entire mix of these various traits, along with the corresponding share of God’s law. He greatly differs from them in this: he doesn’t have a single trait that is equally prominent in all members of his race. You can say the housefly is endlessly brave, and that describes the whole housefly species; you can say the rabbit is endlessly timid, and that describes the whole rabbit species; you can say the spider and the tiger are endlessly murderous, and that describes the entire spider and tiger species; you can say the lamb is endlessly innocent and sweet and gentle, and that describes all the lambs. There’s hardly a creature you can’t capture definitively and satisfactorily with one trait—except man. Men aren’t all cowards like the rabbit, nor all brave like the housefly, nor all sweet and innocent and gentle like the lamb, nor all murderous like the spider, tiger, and wasp, nor all thieves like the fox and the blue jay, nor all vain like the peacock, nor all playful like the monkey. These traits all exist in him somewhere and develop based on the proportions he inherited: We describe a man by his negative traits and condemn him; or by his positive traits and gifts, and praise him and grant him high esteem for possessing them. It’s funny. He didn’t create these traits; he didn’t stockpile them. God gave them to him in the very first moment of creation. They make up the law, and he couldn’t escape obedience to that decree any more than Paige could have built the typesetter he invented, or the Pratt & Whitney machinists could have invented the machine they built.”

He liked to stride up and down, smoking as he talked, and generally his words were slowly measured, with varying pauses between them. He halted in the midst of his march, and without a suggestion of a smile added:

He liked to walk back and forth, smoking while he talked, and usually his words were slow and deliberate, with pauses in between. He stopped in the middle of his pace, and without a hint of a smile, said:

“What an amusing creature the human being is!”

“What an amusing creature a human being is!”

It is absolutely impossible, of course, to preserve the atmosphere and personality of such talks as this—the delicacies of his speech and manner which carried an ineffable charm. It was difficult, indeed, to record the substance. I did not know shorthand, and I should not have taken notes at such times in any case; but I had trained myself in similar work to preserve, with a fair degree of accuracy, the form of phrase, and to some extent its wording, if I could get hold of pencil and paper soon enough afterward. In time I acquired a sort of phonographic faculty; though it always seemed to me that the bouquet, the subtleness of speech, was lacking in the result. Sometimes, indeed, he would dictate next morning the substance of these experimental reflections; or I would find among his papers memoranda and fragmentary manuscripts where he had set them down himself, either before or after he had tried them verbally. In these cases I have not hesitated to amend my notes where it seemed to lend reality to his utterance, though, even so, there is always lacking—and must be—the wonder of his personality.

It’s absolutely impossible to capture the vibe and character of conversations like this—the nuances in his speech and manner that carried an indescribable charm. It was indeed tough to record the actual content. I didn’t know shorthand, and I wouldn’t have taken notes during those times anyway; but I trained myself to retain, with a fair level of accuracy, the way he phrased things and, to some extent, the exact wording, if I could grab pencil and paper soon enough afterward. Over time, I developed a sort of phonographic ability; although it always felt like the essence, the subtlety of his speech, was missing in the outcome. Sometimes, he would dictate the main points of these experimental thoughts the next morning; or I would come across his notes and rough drafts where he had written them down himself, either before or after he’d tested them out verbally. In these cases, I haven’t hesitated to tweak my notes when it seemed to add authenticity to what he said, though even then, there’s always something missing—and must be—the magic of his personality.





CCXLV. IN THE DAY'S ROUND

A number of dictations of this period were about Susy, her childhood, and the biography she had written of him, most of which he included in his chapters. More than once after such dictations he reproached himself bitterly for the misfortunes of his house. He consoled himself a little by saying that Susy had died at the right time, in the flower of youth and happiness; but he blamed himself for the lack of those things which might have made her childhood still more bright. Once he spoke of the biography she had begun, and added:

A number of recordings from this time were about Susy, her childhood, and the biography she had written about him, most of which he included in his chapters. More than once after such recordings, he felt deep regret for the troubles in his home. He comforted himself a bit by saying that Susy had passed away at the right moment, in the prime of her youth and happiness; but he criticized himself for not providing the things that could have made her childhood even happier. Once he mentioned the biography she had started and added:

“Oh, I wish I had paid more attention to that little girl's work! If I had only encouraged her now and then, what it would have meant to her, and what a beautiful thing it would have been to have had her story of me told in her own way, year after year! If I had shown her that I cared, she might have gone on with it. We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time nor the interest they deserve. We lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift-our personal association, which means so much to them-we give grudgingly and throw it away on those who care for it so little.” Then, after a moment of silence: “But we are repaid for it at last. There comes a time when we want their company and their interest. We want it more than anything in the world, and we are likely to be starved for it, just as they were starved so long ago. There is no appreciation of my books that is so precious to me as appreciation from my children. Theirs is the praise we want, and the praise we are least likely to get.”

“Oh, I wish I had paid more attention to that little girl's work! If I had only encouraged her once in a while, it would have meant so much to her, and it would have been wonderful to have her story about me told in her own way, year after year! If I had shown her that I cared, she might have continued with it. We are always too busy for our kids; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We shower them with gifts, but the most precious gift—our personal attention, which means so much to them—we give reluctantly and waste on those who appreciate it so little.” Then, after a moment of silence: “But we eventually pay for it. There comes a time when we crave their company and interest. We want it more than anything, and we are likely to be deprived of it, just as they were deprived long ago. There is no appreciation of my books that means more to me than the appreciation from my children. Their praise is what we seek, and it's the praise we are least likely to receive.”

His moods of remorse seemed to overwhelm him at times. He spoke of Henry's death and little Langdon's, and charged himself with both. He declared that for years he had filled Mrs. Clemens's life with privations, that the sorrow of Susy's death had hastened her own end. How darkly he painted it! One saw the jester, who for forty years had been making the world laugh, performing always before a background of tragedy.

His feelings of guilt often consumed him. He talked about Henry's death and little Langdon's, blaming himself for both. He insisted that for years he had filled Mrs. Clemens's life with hardship, and that the sadness from Susy's death had sped up her own demise. He portrayed it so grimly! You could see the jester, who had spent forty years making the world laugh, always performing against a backdrop of tragedy.

But such moods were evanescent. He was oftener gay than somber. One morning before we settled down to work he related with apparent joy how he had made a failure of story-telling at a party the night before. An artist had told him a yarn, he said, which he had considered the most amusing thing in the world. But he had not been satisfied with it, and had attempted to improve on it at the party. He had told it with what he considered the nicest elaboration of detail and artistic effect, and when he had concluded and expected applause, only a sickening silence had followed.

But those moods didn’t last long. He was usually cheerful rather than gloomy. One morning before we got to work, he excitedly shared how he had messed up telling a story at a party the night before. An artist had shared a tale with him that he thought was the funniest thing ever. But he wasn't happy with that and tried to make it better at the party. He told it with what he thought was the best detail and flair, and when he finished and expected applause, there was only an awkward silence.

“A crowd like that can make a good deal of silence when they combine,” he said, “and it probably lasted as long as ten seconds, because it seemed an hour and a half. Then a lady said, with evident feeling, 'Lord, how pathetic!' For a moment I was stupefied. Then the fountains of my great deeps were broken up, and I rained laughter for forty days and forty nights during as much as three minutes. By that time I realized it was my fault. I had overdone the thing. I started in to deceive them with elaborate burlesque pathos, in order to magnify the humorous explosion at the end; but I had constructed such a fog of pathos that when I got to the humor you couldn't find it.”

“A crowd like that can go incredibly silent when they come together,” he said, “and it probably lasted about ten seconds, but it felt like an hour and a half. Then a woman said, with real emotion, 'Wow, how sad!' For a moment, I was stunned. Then I couldn't hold back anymore, and I burst into laughter for what felt like forty days and forty nights in just three minutes. By then, I realized it was my fault. I had gone too far. I tried to trick them with heavy, exaggerated sadness to make the humorous punchline even funnier at the end; but I ended up creating such a thick cloud of sadness that when I finally got to the humor, you couldn’t even find it.”

He was likely to begin the morning with some such incident which perhaps he did not think worth while to include in his dictations, and sometimes he interrupted his dictations to relate something aside, or to outline some plan or scheme which his thought had suggested.

He would probably start the morning with an incident that he didn’t feel was important enough to include in his recordings, and sometimes he would pause his recordings to share a side story or to sketch out a plan or idea that had come to mind.

Once, when he was telling of a magazine he had proposed to start, the Back Number, which was, to contain reprints of exciting events from history—newspaper gleanings—eye-witness narrations, which he said never lost their freshness of interest—he suddenly interrupted himself to propose that we start such a magazine in the near future—he to be its publisher and I its editor. I think I assented, and the dictation proceeded, but the scheme disappeared permanently.

Once, while he was talking about a magazine he wanted to start, called The Back Number, which would feature reprints of exciting historical events—newspaper snippets—firsthand accounts that he claimed never lost their appeal—he suddenly paused to suggest that we actually launch such a magazine soon, with him as the publisher and me as the editor. I think I agreed, and we continued discussing it, but the idea eventually faded away.

He usually had a number of clippings or slips among the many books on the bed beside him from which he proposed to dictate each day, but he seldom could find the one most needed. Once, after a feverishly impatient search for a few moments, he invited Miss Hobby to leave the room temporarily, so, as he said, that he might swear. He got up and we began to explore the bed, his profanity increasing amazingly with each moment. It was an enormously large bed, and he began to disparage the size of it.

He usually had a bunch of clippings or notes mixed in with the many books on the bed next to him that he planned to use to dictate each day, but he rarely could find the one he needed the most. Once, after a frantically impatient search for a few moments, he asked Miss Hobby to leave the room for a bit, so he could, as he put it, swear. He got up, and we started to dig through the bed, his swearing getting more intense by the second. It was a really big bed, and he began to criticize how huge it was.

“One could lose a dog in this bed,” he declared.

"One could easily lose a dog in this bed," he said.

Finally I suggested that he turn over the clipping which he had in his hand. He did so, and it proved to be the one he wanted. Its discovery was followed by a period of explosions, only half suppressed as to volume. Then he said:

Finally, I suggested that he turn over the clipping he had in his hand. He did so, and it turned out to be the one he wanted. Finding it was followed by a series of explosions, only partially muffled in volume. Then he said:

“There ought to be a room in this house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.”

“There should be a room in this house for swearing. It's risky to bottle up an emotion like that.”

A moment later, when Miss Hobby returned, he was serene and happy again. He was usually gentle during the dictations, and patient with those around him—remarkably so, I thought, as a rule. But there were moments that involved risk. He had requested me to interrupt his dictation at any time that I found him repeating or contradicting himself, or misstating some fact known to me. At first I hesitated to do this, and cautiously mentioned the matter when he had finished. Then he was likely to say:

A moment later, when Miss Hobby came back, he was calm and happy again. He was usually kind during the dictations and patient with those around him—remarkably so, I thought, most of the time. But there were moments that were risky. He had asked me to interrupt his dictation anytime I noticed him repeating himself, contradicting himself, or getting some fact wrong that I knew about. At first, I was hesitant to do this, and I brought it up carefully after he finished. Then he was likely to say:

“Why didn't you stop me? Why did you let me go on making a jackass of myself when you could have saved me?”

“Why didn’t you stop me? Why did you let me keep making a fool of myself when you could have saved me?”

So then I used to take the risk of getting struck by lightning, and nearly always stopped him at the time. But if it happened that I upset his thought the thunderbolt was apt to fly. He would say:

So I used to take the chance of getting struck by lightning, and I almost always stopped him at that moment. But if I happened to disturb his thoughts, the thunderbolt was likely to strike. He would say:

“Now you've knocked everything out of my head.”

“Now you've cleared everything from my mind.”

Then, of course, I would apologize and say I was sorry, which would rectify matters, though half an hour later it might happen again. I became lightning-proof at last; also I learned better to select the psychological moment for the correction.

Then, of course, I would apologize and say I was sorry, which would fix things, though half an hour later it might happen again. I eventually became immune to it; I also learned to better pick the right moment for the correction.

There was a humorous complexion to the dictations which perhaps I have not conveyed to the reader at all; humor was his natural breath and life, and was not wholly absent in his most somber intervals.

There was a funny quality to the dictations that I might not have fully shared with the reader; humor was his natural way of being, and it wasn't completely missing even during his darkest moments.

But poetry was there as well. His presence was full of it: the grandeur of his figure; the grace of his movement; the music of his measured speech. Sometimes there were long pauses when he was wandering in distant valleys of thought and did not speak at all. At such times he had a habit of folding and refolding the sleeve of his dressing-gown around his wrist, regarding it intently, as it seemed. His hands were so fair and shapely; the palms and finger-tips as pink as those of a child. Then when he spoke he was likely to fling back his great, white mane, his eyes half closed yet showing a gleam of fire between the lids, his clenched fist lifted, or his index-finger pointing, to give force and meaning to his words. I cannot recall the picture too often, or remind myself too frequently how precious it was to be there, and to see him and to hear him. I do not know why I have not said before that he smoked continually during these dictations—probably as an aid to thought—though he smoked at most other times, for that matter. His cigars were of that delicious fragrance which characterizes domestic tobacco; but I had learned early to take refuge in another brand when he offered me one. They were black and strong and inexpensive, and it was only his early training in the printing-office and on the river that had seasoned him to tobacco of that temper. Rich, admiring friends used to send him quantities of expensive imported cigars; but he seldom touched them, and they crumbled away or were smoked by visitors. Once, to a minister who proposed to send him something very special, he wrote:

But poetry was present too. His presence was filled with it: the grandeur of his figure, the grace of his movements, the melody of his measured speech. Sometimes there were long pauses when he would drift into distant thoughts and not speak at all. During those moments, he had a habit of folding and refolding the sleeve of his dressing gown around his wrist, seemingly examining it closely. His hands were so fair and well-shaped; the palms and fingertips as pink as a child's. Then, when he spoke, he often tossed back his great, white mane, his eyes half-closed yet revealing a gleam of fire between the lids, his clenched fist raised, or his index finger pointing to emphasize his words. I can’t recall that image too often, or remind myself too frequently how precious it was to be there, to see him, and to hear him. I don't know why I haven’t mentioned before that he smoked continuously during these dictations—probably as a way to think—though he smoked at most other times as well. His cigars had that delightful scent of homegrown tobacco; but I learned early on to stick to another brand when he offered me one. They were black, strong, and cheap, and it was only his early training in the print shop and on the river that had accustomed him to such rough tobacco. Wealthy, admiring friends would send him lots of expensive imported cigars; but he rarely touched them, and they would either crumble away or be smoked by visitors. Once, to a minister who wanted to send him something very special, he wrote:

    I should accept your hospitable offer at once but for the fact that
    I couldn't do it and remain honest. That is to say, if I allowed
    you to send me what you believed to be good cigars it would
    distinctly mean that I meant to smoke them, whereas I should do
    nothing of the kind. I know a good cigar better than you do, for I
    have had 60 years' experience.

    No, that is not what I mean; I mean I know a bad cigar better than
    anybody else. I judge by the price only; if it costs above 5 cents
    I know it to be either foreign or half foreign & unsmokable—by me.
    I have many boxes of Havana cigars, of all prices from 20 cents
    apiece up to $1.66 apiece; I bought none of them, they were all
    presents; they are an accumulation of several years. I have never
    smoked one of them & never shall; I work them off on the visitor.
    You shall have a chance when you come.
I should accept your generous offer right away, but I can't do that and stay honest. What I mean is, if I let you send me what you think are good cigars, that would clearly mean I intended to smoke them, and I definitely won’t do that. I know a good cigar better than you because I've got 60 years of experience.

Actually, that’s not what I meant; I know a bad cigar better than anyone else. I judge only by the price; if it costs more than 5 cents, I know it’s either foreign or half foreign and undrinkable—at least for me. I have many boxes of Havana cigars, with prices ranging from 20 cents each up to $1.66 each; I didn’t buy any of them; they were all gifts. They've piled up over several years. I’ve never smoked one of them and never will; I pass them off on visitors. You’ll have a chance when you come.

He smoked a pipe a good deal, and he preferred it to be old and violent; and once, when he had bought a new, expensive English brier-root he regarded it doubtfully for a time, and then handed it over to me, saying:

He smoked a pipe a lot, and he liked it to be old and rough; and once, when he bought a new, pricey English brier-root, he looked at it uncertainly for a while, then handed it to me, saying:

“I'd like to have you smoke that a year or two, and when it gets so you can't stand it, maybe it will suit me.”

“I'd like you to smoke that for a year or two, and when it gets to the point where you can't stand it, maybe it will be just right for me.”

I am happy to add that subsequently he presented me with the pipe altogether, for it apparently never seemed to get qualified for his taste, perhaps because the tobacco used was too mild.

I’m glad to say that later he gave me the pipe completely, since it never really seemed to fit his taste, maybe because the tobacco was too mild.

One day, after the dictation, word was brought up that a newspaper man was down-stairs who wished to see him concerning a report that Chauncey Depew was to resign his Senatorial seat and Mark Twain was to be nominated in his place. The fancy of this appealed to him, and the reporter was allowed to come up. He was a young man, and seemed rather nervous, and did not wish to state where the report had originated. His chief anxiety was apparently to have Mark Twain's comment on the matter. Clemens said very little at the time. He did not wish to be a Senator; he was too busy just now dictating biography, and added that he didn't think he would care for the job, anyway. When the reporter was gone, however, certain humorous possibilities developed. The Senatorship would be a stepping-stone to the Presidency, and with the combination of humorist, socialist, and peace-patriot in the Presidential chair the nation could expect an interesting time. Nothing further came of the matter. There was no such report. The young newspaper man had invented the whole idea to get a “story” out of Mark Twain. The item as printed next day invited a good deal of comment, and Collier's Weekly made it a text for an editorial on his mental vigor and general fitness for the place.

One day, after the dictation, news came that a reporter was downstairs wanting to speak with him about a rumor that Chauncey Depew was going to resign his Senate seat and that Mark Twain would be nominated in his place. He found this idea intriguing, so he allowed the reporter to come up. The young man seemed quite nervous and was hesitant to share where the rumor had come from. His main concern was to get Mark Twain's take on the situation. Clemens didn’t say much at the time; he didn’t want to be a Senator because he was too busy dictating his biography, and he added that he didn’t think he would like the job anyway. However, once the reporter left, some humorous possibilities surfaced. The Senate seat could lead to the Presidency, and having a humorist, socialist, and peace advocate in the White House could lead to an interesting situation for the nation. Ultimately, nothing came of it. There was no such rumor. The young reporter had made up the whole story just to get a “story” out of Mark Twain. The piece printed the next day sparked a lot of discussion, and Collier's Weekly used it as a basis for an editorial on his mental sharpness and overall suitability for the position.

If it happened that he had no particular engagement for the afternoon, he liked to walk out, especially when the pleasant weather came. Sometimes we walked up Fifth Avenue, and I must admit that for a good while I could not get rid of a feeling of self-consciousness, for most people turned to look, though I was fully aware that I did not in the least come into their scope of vision. They saw only Mark Twain. The feeling was a more comfortably one at The Players, where we sometimes went for luncheon, for the acquaintance there and the democracy of that institution had a tendency to eliminate contrasts and incongruities. We sat at the Round Table among those good fellows who were always so glad to welcome him.

If he didn’t have anything planned for the afternoon, he liked to go out for a walk, especially when the weather was nice. Sometimes we strolled up Fifth Avenue, and I have to admit that for quite a while, I felt self-conscious because most people turned to look at us, even though I knew they really didn’t notice me at all. They only saw Mark Twain. I felt much more at ease at The Players, where we often went for lunch, because the familiarity and casual vibe of that place helped to reduce any sense of differences and awkwardness. We sat at the Round Table among those great guys who were always so happy to see him.

Once we went to the “Music Master,” that tender play of Charles Klein's, given by that matchless interpreter, David Warfield. Clemens was fascinated, and said more than once:

Once we went to see “Music Master,” that touching play by Charles Klein, performed by the incomparable David Warfield. Clemens was captivated and remarked more than once:

“It is as permanent as 'Rip Van Winkle.' Warfield, like Jefferson, can go on playing it all his life.”

“It’s as lasting as 'Rip Van Winkle.' Warfield, just like Jefferson, can keep doing it for his whole life.”

We went behind when it was over, and I could see that Warfield glowed with Mark Twain's unstinted approval. Later, when I saw him at The Players, he declared that no former compliment had ever made him so happy.

We went backstage when it was over, and I could see that Warfield was beaming with Mark Twain's wholehearted approval. Later, when I saw him at The Players, he said that no previous compliment had ever made him so happy.

There were some billiard games going on between the champions Hoppe and Sutton, at the Madison Square Garden, and Clemens, with his eager fondness for the sport, was anxious to attend them. He did not like to go anywhere alone, and one evening he invited me to accompany him. Just as he stepped into the auditorium there was a vigorous round of applause. The players stopped, somewhat puzzled, for no especially brilliant shot had been made. Then they caught the figure of Mark Twain and realized that the game, for the moment, was not the chief attraction. The audience applauded again, and waved their handkerchiefs. Such a tribute is not often paid to a private citizen.

There were some billiard matches happening between champions Hoppe and Sutton at Madison Square Garden, and Clemens, who was really into the sport, was eager to catch them. He didn’t like going anywhere by himself, so one evening he invited me to join him. Just as he stepped into the auditorium, a loud round of applause erupted. The players paused, a bit confused, since no particularly impressive shot had been made. Then they spotted Mark Twain and realized that, for the moment, the game wasn’t the main attraction. The audience applauded again and waved their handkerchiefs. It's not often that a private citizen receives such an honor.

Clemens had a great admiration for the young champion Hoppe, which the billiardist's extreme youth and brilliancy invited, and he watched his game with intense eagerness. When it was over the referee said a few words and invited Mark Twain to speak. He rose and told them a story-probably invented on the instant. He said:

Clemens greatly admired the young champion Hoppe, drawn in by the billiard player's remarkable youth and talent, and he watched the game with keen interest. When it concluded, the referee shared a few words and asked Mark Twain to speak. He stood up and told them a story—likely made up on the spot. He said:

    “Once in Nevada I dropped into a billiard-room casually, and picked
    up a cue and began to knock the balls around. The proprietor, who
    was a red-haired man, with such hair as I have never seen anywhere
    except on a torch, asked me if I would like to play. I said, 'Yes.'
    He said, 'Knock the balls around a little and let me see how you can
    shoot.' So I knocked them around, and thought I was doing pretty
    well, when he said, 'That's all right; I'll play you left-handed.'
    It hurt my pride, but I played him. We banked for the shot and he
    won it. Then he commenced to play, and I commenced to chalk my cue
    to get ready to play, and he went on playing, and I went on chalking
    my cue; and he played and I chalked all through that game. When he
    had run his string out I said:

    “That's wonderful! perfectly wonderful! If you can play that way
    left-handed what could you do right-handed?'

    “'Couldn't do anything,' he said. 'I'm a left-handed man.'”
 
    “Once in Nevada, I casually walked into a billiard room, picked up a cue, and started hitting the balls around. The owner, a red-haired guy with hair like I've only seen on a torch, asked if I wanted to play. I said, 'Sure.' He told me to hit the balls a bit so he could see how I shot. I thought I was doing pretty well when he said, 'That's fine; I'll play you left-handed.' It stung my pride, but I went along with it. We flipped a coin for the first shot, and he won. Then he started playing, and I started chalking my cue to get ready to play, and he kept playing while I kept chalking my cue; it went on like that throughout the entire game. When he finished his turn, I said:

    'That's amazing! Absolutely amazing! If you can play that well left-handed, what could you do right-handed?'

    'Couldn't do anything,' he replied. 'I'm a left-handed guy.'”

How it delighted them! I think it was the last speech of any sort he made that season. A week or two later he went to Dublin, New Hampshire, for the summer—this time to the Upton House, which had been engaged a year before, the Copley Greene place being now occupied by its owner.

How happy they were! I believe it was the last speech of any kind he gave that season. A week or two later, he went to Dublin, New Hampshire, for the summer—this time to the Upton House, which had been booked a year earlier, as the Copley Greene place was now occupied by its owner.





CCXLVI. THE SECOND SUMMER AT DUBLIN

The Upton House stands on the edge of a beautiful beech forest some two or three miles from Dublin, just under Monadnock—a good way up the slope. It is a handsome, roomy frame-house, and had a long colonnaded veranda overlooking one of the most beautiful landscape visions on the planet: lake, forest, hill, and a far range of blue mountains—all the handiwork of God is there. I had seen these things in paintings, but I had not dreamed that such a view really existed. The immediate foreground was a grassy slope, with ancient, blooming apple-trees; and just at the right hand Monadnock rose, superb and lofty, sloping down to the panorama below that stretched away, taking on an ever deeper blue, until it reached that remote range on which the sky rested and the world seemed to end. It was a masterpiece of the Greater Mind, and of the highest order, perhaps, for it had in it nothing of the touch of man. A church spire glinted here and there, but there was never a bit of field, or stone wall, or cultivated land. It was lonely; it was unfriendly; it cared nothing whatever for humankind; it was as if God, after creating all the world, had wrought His masterwork here, and had been so engrossed with the beauty of it that He had forgotten to give it a soul. In a sense this was true, for He had not made the place suitable for the habitation of men. It lacked the human touch; the human interest, and I could never quite believe in its reality.

The Upton House sits at the edge of a beautiful beech forest, about two or three miles from Dublin, just below Monadnock—up the slope quite a bit. It’s a lovely, spacious frame house with a long colonnaded veranda that looks out over one of the most stunning views on the planet: a lake, a forest, a hill, and a distant range of blue mountains—all creations of nature. I had seen depictions of such landscapes in paintings, but I never imagined that such a view really existed. In the immediate foreground was a grassy slope dotted with ancient, blooming apple trees; and to the right, Monadnock rose high and grand, sloping down to the breathtaking panorama below, which extended out, taking on deeper shades of blue until it reached that distant range where the sky seemed to rest and the world appeared to end. It was a masterpiece of nature—a supreme creation, perhaps, because it bore no signs of human intervention. There were a few church spires glinting here and there, but there were no fields, stone walls, or cultivated land to be seen. It felt lonely and unfriendly; it cared nothing for humanity; it was as if God, after creating the world, had crafted His greatest work here but, in his awe, had forgotten to give it a soul. In a way, that was true, since He hadn’t made the place fit for human habitation. It lacked a human touch, a human connection, and I could never fully believe in its reality.

The time of arrival heightened this first impression. It was mid-May and the lilacs were prodigally in bloom; but the bright sunlight was chill and unnatural, and there was a west wind that laid the grass flat and moaned through the house, and continued as steadily as if it must never stop from year's end to year's end. It seemed a spectral land, a place of supernatural beauty. Warm, still, languorous days would come, but that first feeling of unreality would remain permanent. I believe Jean Clemens was the only one who ever really loved the place. Something about it appealed to her elemental side and blended with her melancholy moods. She dressed always in white, and she was tall and pale and classically beautiful, and she was often silent, like a spirit. She had a little retreat for herself farther up the mountain-side, and spent most of her days there wood-carving, which was her chief diversion.

The time of arrival enhanced this first impression. It was mid-May and the lilacs were blooming abundantly; however, the bright sunlight felt cold and unnatural, and there was a west wind that flattened the grass and moaned through the house, blowing steadily as if it would never stop from one year to the next. It seemed like a ghostly place, a site of otherworldly beauty. Warmer, calmer, leisurely days would come, but that initial feeling of unreality would linger. I believe Jean Clemens was the only person who truly loved the place. Something about it resonated with her deeper nature and matched her melancholic moods. She always wore white, and she was tall, pale, and classically beautiful, often remaining silent like a spirit. She had a small retreat for herself further up the mountainside, where she spent most of her days carving wood, which was her main hobby.

Clara Clemens did not come to the place at all. She was not yet strong, and went to Norfolk, Connecticut, where she could still be in quiet retirement and have her physician's care. Miss Hobby came, and on the 21st of May the dictations were resumed. We began in his bedroom, as before, but the feeling there was depressing—the absence of the great carved bed and other furnishings, which had been so much a part of the picture, was felt by all of us. Nothing of the old luxury and richness was there. It was a summer-furnished place, handsome but with the customary bareness. At the end of this first session he dressed in his snowy flannels, which he had adopted in the place of linen for summer wear, and we descended to the veranda and looked out over that wide, wonderful expanse of scenery.

Clara Clemens didn't come to the place at all. She wasn't strong enough yet, so she went to Norfolk, Connecticut, where she could enjoy some quiet and receive care from her doctor. Miss Hobby arrived, and on May 21st, we resumed the dictations. We started in his bedroom, just like before, but the atmosphere was depressing—the absence of the grand carved bed and other furnishings, which had been such a significant part of the scene, was noticeable to all of us. There was none of the old luxury and richness. It was a summer-furnished space, nice but typically bare. After this first session, he changed into his crisp white flannels, which he had chosen for summer wear instead of linen, and we went down to the veranda to take in that vast, beautiful view.

“I think I shall like it,” he said, “when I get acquainted with it, and get it classified and labeled, and I think we'll do our dictating out here hereafter. It ought to be an inspiring place.”

"I think I'm going to like it," he said, "once I get to know it, classify it, and label it. I believe we'll do our dictating out here from now on. It should be an inspiring place."

So the dictations were transferred to the long veranda, and he was generally ready for them, a white figure pacing up and down before that panoramic background. During the earlier, cooler weeks he usually continued walking with measured step during the dictations, pausing now and then to look across the far-lying horizon. When it stormed we moved into the great living-room, where at one end there was a fireplace with blazing logs, and at the other the orchestrelle, which had once more been freighted up those mountain heights for the comfort of its harmonies. Sometimes, when the wind and rain were beating outside, and he was striding up and down the long room within, with only the blurred shapes of mountains and trees outlined through the trailing rain, the feeling of the unreality became so strong that it was hard to believe that somewhere down below, beyond the rain and the woods, there was a literal world—a commonplace world, where the ordinary things of life were going on in the usual way. When the dictation finished early, there would be music—the music that he loved most—Beethoven's symphonies, or the Schubert impromptu, or the sonata by Chopin.—[Schubert, Op. 142, No. 2; Chopin, Op. 37, No. 2.]—It is easy to understand that this carried one a remove farther from the customary things of life. It was a setting far out of the usual, though it became that unique white figure and his occupation. In my notes, made from day to day, I find that I have set down more than once an impression of the curious unreality of the place and its surroundings, which would show that it was not a mere passing fancy.

So, the dictations moved to the long porch, and he was usually ready for them, a figure in white pacing back and forth against that stunning backdrop. During the earlier, cooler weeks, he would often keep walking at a steady pace during the dictations, stopping now and then to gaze at the distant horizon. When it stormed, we relocated to the large living room, where at one end there was a fireplace with crackling logs, and at the other, the orchestrelle, which had once again been brought up those mountain paths for the comfort of its melodies. Sometimes, when the wind and rain were pounding outside, and he was striding up and down the long room, with only the blurred shapes of mountains and trees visible through the pouring rain, the sense of unreality became so intense that it was hard to believe that somewhere below, beyond the rain and the woods, there was a real world—a mundane world, where the usual things of life continued as always. When the dictation wrapped up early, there would be music—the music he loved most—Beethoven's symphonies, or Schubert's impromptu, or a sonata by Chopin.—[Schubert, Op. 142, No. 2; Chopin, Op. 37, No. 2.]—It's easy to see how this pulled one further away from the normal aspects of life. It was a setting far removed from the ordinary, even though it became tied to that unique white figure and his work. In my daily notes, I’ve often recorded the strange unreality of the place and its surroundings, which indicates it wasn’t just a fleeting thought.

I had lodgings in the village, and drove out mornings for the dictations, but often came out again afoot on pleasant afternoons; for he was not much occupied with social matters, and there was opportunity for quiet, informing interviews. There was a woods path to the Upton place, and it was a walk through a fairyland. A part of the way was through such a growth of beech timber as I have never seen elsewhere: tall, straight, mottled trees with an undergrowth of laurel, the sunlight sifting through; one found it easy to expect there storybook ladies, wearing crowns and green mantles, riding on white palfreys. Then came a more open way, an abandoned grass-grown road full of sunlight and perfume; and this led to a dim, religious place, a natural cathedral, where the columns were stately pine-trees branching and meeting at the top: a veritable temple in which it always seemed that music was about to play. You crossed a brook and climbed a little hill, and pushed through a hedge into a place more open, and the house stood there among the trees.

I stayed in the village and drove out in the mornings for dictation sessions, but often walked back in the pleasant afternoons; he wasn't very involved in social events, which allowed for peaceful, informative discussions. There was a path through the woods to the Upton property, and it felt like walking through a fairyland. Part of the path went through a beech grove like no other I'd seen: tall, straight, mottled trees with laurel underneath, and sunlight filtering through; it was easy to imagine storybook ladies in crowns and green cloaks riding white horses. Then the path opened up onto an abandoned, grassy road filled with sunlight and fragrance, leading to a dim, sacred place, a natural cathedral where stately pine trees branched together at the top: an actual temple where it always seemed like music was about to begin. You crossed a brook, climbed a small hill, and pushed through a hedge into a more open area, where the house stood among the trees.

The days drifted along, one a good deal like another, except, as the summer deepened, the weather became warmer, the foliage changed, a drowsy haze gathered along the valleys and on the mountain-side. He sat more often now in a large rocking-chair, and generally seemed to be looking through half-dosed lids toward the Monadnock heights, that were always changing in aspect-in color and in form—as cloud shapes drifted by or gathered in those lofty hollows. White and yellow butterflies hovered over the grass, and there were some curious, large black ants—the largest I have ever seen and quite harmless—that would slip in and out of the cracks on the veranda floor, wholly undisturbed by us. Now and then a light flutter of wind would come murmuring up from the trees below, and when the apple-bloom was falling there would be a whirl of white and pink petals that seemed a cloud of smaller butterflies.

The days passed by, each one quite similar to the last, except that as summer progressed, the weather got warmer, the leaves changed, and a sleepy haze settled over the valleys and mountains. He spent more time now in a large rocking chair, usually gazing through half-closed eyes at the Monadnock heights, which were constantly shifting in color and shape as clouds floated by or gathered in the lofty valleys. White and yellow butterflies flitted over the grass, and there were some oddly large black ants—the biggest I’ve ever seen and completely harmless—moving in and out of the cracks on the veranda floor, totally unconcerned by our presence. Occasionally, a soft breeze would drift up from the trees below, and when the apple blossoms fell, there would be a swirl of white and pink petals that resembled a cloud of tiny butterflies.

On June 1st I find in my note-book this entry:

On June 1st, I find this entry in my notebook:

    Warm and pleasant. The dictation about Grant continues; a great
    privilege to hear this foremost man, of letters review his
    associations with that foremost man of arms. He remained seated
    today, dressed in white as usual, a large yellow pansy in his
    buttonhole, his white hair ruffled by the breeze. He wears his worn
    morocco slippers with black hose; sits in the rocker, smoking and
    looking out over the hazy hills, delivering his sentences with a
    measured accuracy that seldom calls for change. He is speaking just
    now of a Grant dinner which he attended where Depew spoke. One is
    impressed with the thought that we are looking at and listening to
    the war-worn veteran of a thousand dinners—the honored guest of
    many; an honored figure of all. Earlier, when he had been
    chastising some old offender, he added, “However, he's dead, and I
    forgive him.” Then, after a moment's reflection, “No; strike that
    last sentence out.” When we laughed, he added, “We can't forgive
    him yet.”
 
    Warm and pleasant. The talk about Grant goes on; it's a great
    privilege to hear this leading figure in literature reflect on his
    connections with that leading figure in military history. He stayed seated
    today, dressed in white as usual, with a large yellow pansy in his
    buttonhole, his white hair tousled by the breeze. He wears his worn
    leather slippers with black socks; sits in the rocking chair, smoking and
    gazing out at the hazy hills, delivering his thoughts with a careful precision that rarely needs changing. Right now, he’s talking about a Grant dinner he attended where Depew spoke. It’s striking to realize that we are looking at and listening to this battle-hardened veteran of a thousand dinners—the honored guest of so many; a respected figure to all. Earlier, when he was scolding some old offender, he added, “However, he’s dead, and I forgive him.” Then, after a brief pause for thought, “No; take that last sentence back.” When we laughed, he added, “We can’t forgive him yet.”

A few days later—it was June 4th, the day before the second anniversary of the death of Mrs. Clemens—we found him at first in excellent humor from the long dictation of the day before. Then his mind reverted to the tragedy of the season, and he began trying to tell of it. It was hard work. He walked back and forth in the soft sunlight, saying almost nothing. He gave it up at last, remarking, “We will not work to-morrow.” So we went away.

A few days later—it was June 4th, the day before the second anniversary of Mrs. Clemens' death—we found him in great spirits from the long dictation he had done the day before. Then his thoughts returned to the tragedy of the season, and he started to try to talk about it. It was tough going. He paced back and forth in the warm sunlight, saying very little. Finally, he gave up, saying, "We won't work tomorrow." So we left.

He did not dictate on the 5th or the 6th, but on the 7th he resumed the story of Mrs. Clemens's last days at Florence. The weather had changed: the sunlight and warmth had all gone; a chill, penetrating mist was on the mountains; Monadnock was blotted out. We expected him to go to the fire, but evidently he could not bear being shut in with that subject in his mind. A black cape was brought out and thrown about his shoulders, which seemed to fit exactly into the somberness of the picture. For two hours or more we sat there in the gloom and chill, while he paced up and down, detailing as graphically as might be that final chapter in the life of the woman he had loved.

He didn't dictate on the 5th or the 6th, but on the 7th he picked up the story of Mrs. Clemens's last days in Florence. The weather had shifted: the sunlight and warmth were gone; a cold, penetrating mist covered the mountains; Monadnock was invisible. We expected him to go to the fire, but clearly he couldn't stand being closed off from that topic in his mind. A black cape was brought out and draped over his shoulders, which perfectly matched the somber mood of the scene. For two hours or more, we sat there in the darkness and chill while he paced back and forth, describing as vividly as possible that final chapter in the life of the woman he had loved.

It is hardly necessary to say that beyond the dictation Clemens did very little literary work during these months. He had brought his “manuscript trunk” as usual, thinking, perhaps, to finish the “microbe” story and other of the uncompleted things; but the dictation gave him sufficient mental exercise, and he did no more than look over his “stock in trade,” as he called it, and incorporate a few of the finished manuscripts into “autobiography.” Among these were the notes of his trip down the Rhone, made in 1891, and the old Stormfield story, which he had been treasuring and suppressing so long. He wrote Howells in June:

It’s pretty clear that besides dictating, Clemens did very little writing during these months. He had brought his “manuscript trunk” as usual, probably thinking he’d finish the “microbe” story and other incomplete projects; but the dictation provided him with enough mental stimulation, so he only took time to review his “stock in trade,” as he referred to it, and included a few finished manuscripts into his “autobiography.” Among these were the notes from his trip down the Rhone in 1891 and the old Stormfield story that he had been holding onto and hiding for so long. He wrote to Howells in June:

    The dictating goes lazily and pleasantly on. With intervals. I
    find that I've been at it, off & on, nearly two hours for 155 days
    since January 9. To be exact, I've dictated 75 hours in 80 days &
    loafed 75 days. I've added 60,000 words in the month that I've been
    here; which indicates that I've dictated during 20 days of that
    time—40 hours, at an average of 1,500 words an hour. It's a
    plenty, & I'm satisfied.

    There's a good deal of “fat.” I've dictated (from January 9)
    210,000 words, & the “fat” adds about 50,000 more.

    The “fat” is old pigeonholed things of the years gone by which I or
    editors didn't das't to print. For instance, I am dumping in the
    little old book which I read to you in Hartford about 30 years ago &
    which you said “publish & ask Dean Stanley to furnish an
    introduction; he'll do it” (Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven).
    It reads quite to suit me without altering a word now that it isn't
    to see print until I am dead.

    To-morrow I mean to dictate a chapter which will get my heirs &
    assigns burned alive if they venture to print it this side of A.D.
    2006—which I judge they won't. There'll be lots of such chapters
    if I live 3 or 4 years longer. The edition of A.D. 2006 will make a
    stir when it comes out. I shall be hovering around taking notice,
    along with other dead pals. You are invited.
    The dictation process is moving along slowly and pleasantly, with some breaks. I realize that I've been doing this, on and off, for almost two hours over 155 days since January 9. Specifically, I've dictated 75 hours in 80 days and taken 75 days off. In the month I've been here, I've added 60,000 words, which means I've dictated for 20 days during that period—40 hours, at an average of 1,500 words per hour. That's plenty, and I'm happy with it.

    There's a lot of “extra stuff.” Since January 9, I've dictated 210,000 words, and this “extra stuff” adds about 50,000 more.

    The “extra stuff” consists of old, shelved writings from years past that I or my editors didn’t dare to publish. For example, I’m including the little old book I read to you in Hartford about 30 years ago, which you said to “publish and ask Dean Stanley to write an introduction; he’ll do it” (Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven). It reads just fine to me without changing a word now that it won’t be published until after I’m gone.

    Tomorrow, I plan to dictate a chapter that will get my heirs and assigns burned alive if they dare to publish it before A.D. 2006—which I don’t think they will. There will be plenty more chapters like that if I live another 3 or 4 years. The edition from A.D. 2006 will create quite a buzz when it’s released. I’ll be around keeping an eye on things, along with my other deceased friends. You’re invited.

The chapter which was to invite death at the stake for his successors was naturally one of religious heresies a violent attack on the orthodox, scriptural God, but really an expression of the highest reverence for the God which, as he said, had created the earth and sky and the music of the constellations. Mark Twain once expressed himself concerning reverence and the lack of it:

The chapter that would ultimately bring death at the stake for his successors was, of course, about religious heresies—a fierce attack on the traditional, scriptural God. However, it was truly an expression of the deepest respect for the God who, as he put it, created the earth, the sky, and the music of the stars. Mark Twain once shared his thoughts on reverence and the absence of it:

“I was never consciously and purposely irreverent in my life, yet one person or another is always charging me with a lack of reverence. Reverence for what—for whom? Who is to decide what ought to command my reverence—my neighbor or I? I think I ought to do the electing myself. The Mohammedan reveres Mohammed—it is his privilege; the Christian doesn't—apparently that is his privilege; the account is square enough. They haven't any right to complain of the other, yet they do complain of each other, and that is where the unfairness comes in. Each says that the other is irreverent, and both are mistaken, for manifestly you can't have reverence for a thing that doesn't command it. If you could do that you could digest what you haven't eaten, and do other miracles and get a reputation.”

“I've never intentionally disrespected anyone in my life, yet there's always someone accusing me of being irreverent. Reverence for what—or for whom? Who decides what deserves my respect—my neighbor or me? I believe I should make that choice myself. A Muslim respects Mohammed—that's their right; a Christian doesn’t—that’s their right too; it balances out. They don’t have the right to complain about each other, but they do, and that’s where it gets unfair. Each claims the other is irreverent, and both are wrong, because obviously you can’t have respect for something that doesn’t deserve it. If you could do that, you could digest what you haven’t eaten, perform other miracles, and gain a reputation.”

He was not reading many books at this time—he was inclined rather to be lazy, as he said, and to loaf during the afternoons; but I remember that he read aloud 'After the Wedding' and 'The Mother'—those two beautiful word-pictures by Howells—which he declared sounded the depths of humanity with a deep-sea lead. Also he read a book by William Allen White, 'In Our Town', a collection of tales that he found most admirable. I think he took the trouble to send White a personal, hand-written letter concerning them, although, with the habit of dictation, he had begun, as he said, to “loathe the use of the pen.”

He wasn't reading many books at that time—he was more inclined to be lazy, as he put it, and to just hang out in the afternoons; but I remember that he read aloud 'After the Wedding' and 'The Mother'—those two beautiful stories by Howells—which he claimed captured the essence of humanity with a deep-sea lead. He also read a book by William Allen White, 'In Our Town', a collection of stories that he found very admirable. I think he even took the time to send White a personal, handwritten letter about them, although, due to his habit of dictation, he had started, as he said, to “loathe using the pen.”

There were usually some sort of mild social affairs going on in the neighborhood, luncheons and afternoon gatherings like those of the previous year, though he seems to have attended fewer of them, for he did not often leave the house. Once, at least, he assisted in an afternoon entertainment at the Dublin Club, where he introduced his invention of the art of making an impromptu speech, and was assisted in its demonstration by George de Forest Brush and Joseph Lindon Smith, to the very great amusement of a crowd of summer visitors. The “art” consisted mainly of having on hand a few reliable anecdotes and a set formula which would lead directly to them from any given subject.

There were usually some kind of low-key social events happening in the neighborhood, like luncheons and afternoon get-togethers similar to the previous year, although he seemed to attend fewer of them, as he didn’t often leave the house. At least once, he took part in an afternoon event at the Dublin Club, where he showcased his method for giving an impromptu speech, with the help of George de Forest Brush and Joseph Lindon Smith, much to the amusement of a crowd of summer visitors. The “method” mostly involved having a few reliable stories ready and a set formula to connect them to any topic.

Twice or more he collected the children of the neighborhood for charades and rehearsed them, and took part in the performance, as in the Hartford days. Sometimes he drove out or took an extended walk. But these things were seldom.

Twice or more, he gathered the neighborhood kids for charades, rehearsed with them, and participated in the performances, just like in the Hartford days. Sometimes he would go for a drive or take a long walk. But these activities were rare.

Now and then during the summer he made a trip to New York of a semi-business nature, usually going by the way of Fairhaven, where he would visit for a few days, journeying the rest of the way in Mr. Rogers's yacht. Once they made a cruise of considerable length to Bar Harbor and elsewhere. Here is an amusing letter which he wrote to Mrs. Rogers after such a visit:

Now and then during the summer, he took a trip to New York for semi-business purposes, usually stopping in Fairhaven for a few days before traveling the rest of the way on Mr. Rogers's yacht. Once, they took a lengthy cruise to Bar Harbor and other places. Here’s a funny letter he wrote to Mrs. Rogers after one of those trips:

    DEAR MRS. ROGERS,—In packing my things in your house yesterday
    morning I inadvertently put in some articles that was laying around,
    I thinking about theology & not noticing, the way this family does
    in similar circumstances like these. Two books, Mr. Rogers' brown
    slippers, & a ham. I thought it was ourn, it looks like one we used
    to have. I am very sorry it happened, but it sha'n't occur again &
    don't you worry. He will temper the wind to the shorn lamb & I will
    send some of the things back anyway if there is some that won't
    keep.
    DEAR MRS. ROGERS,—While packing my things at your house yesterday
    morning, I accidentally took some items that were lying around. I was
    lost in thought about theology and didn’t notice, just like this family
    tends to do in similar situations. Two books, Mr. Rogers' brown slippers, 
    and a ham. I thought it was ours; it looks like one we used to have. I'm 
    really sorry this happened, but it won’t happen again, so don’t worry. 
    He will adjust the circumstances to help us, and I’ll send some of the 
    things back anyway if there are items that can’t be kept.




CCXLVI. DUBLIN, CONTINUED

In time Mark Twain became very lonely in Dublin. After the brilliant winter the contrast was too great. He was not yet ready for exile. In one of his dictations he said:

In time, Mark Twain grew quite lonely in Dublin. After the vibrant winter, the contrast felt overwhelming. He wasn't yet ready for exile. In one of his dictations, he said:

    The skies are enchantingly blue. The world is a dazzle of sunshine.
    Monadnock is closer to us than usual by several hundred yards. The
    vast extent of spreading valley is intensely green—the lakes as
    intensely blue. And there is a new horizon, a remoter one than we
    have known before, for beyond the mighty half-circle of hazy
    mountains that form the usual frame of the picture rise certain
    shadowy great domes that are unfamiliar to our eyes....

    But there is a defect—only one, but it is a defect which almost
    entitles it to be spelled with a capital D. This is the defect of
    loneliness. We have not a single neighbor who is a neighbor.
    Nobody lives within two miles of us except Franklin MacVeagh, and he
    is the farthest off of any, because he is in Europe....

    I feel for Adam and Eve now, for I know how it was with them. I am
    existing, broken-hearted, in a Garden of Eden.... The Garden of
    Eden I now know was an unendurable solitude. I know that the advent
    of the serpent was a welcome change—anything for society....

    I never rose to the full appreciation of the utter solitude of this
    place until a symbol of it—a compact and visible allegory of it
    —furnished me the lacking lift three days ago. I was standing alone
    on this veranda, in the late afternoon, mourning over the stillness,
    the far-spreading, beautiful desolation, and the absence of visible
    life, when a couple of shapely and graceful deer came sauntering
    across the grounds and stopped, and at their leisure impudently
    looked me over, as if they had an idea of buying me as bric-a-brac.
    Then they seemed to conclude that they could do better for less
    money elsewhere, and they sauntered indolently away and disappeared
    among the trees. It sized up this solitude. It is so complete, so
    perfect, that even the wild animals are satisfied with it. Those
    dainty creatures were not in the least degree afraid of me.
    The skies are a stunning blue. The world is bright with sunshine. Monadnock is closer to us than usual by several hundred yards. The wide valley is a deep green—the lakes are an intense blue. And there's a new horizon, one further away than we've seen before, because beyond the huge, hazy mountains that usually frame the scene rise some shadowy, large domes that we're not familiar with...

    But there's one flaw—just one, but it's a flaw that almost deserves to be capitalized. This is the flaw of loneliness. We don't have a single neighbor who feels like a neighbor. The only person living within two miles of us is Franklin MacVeagh, and he’s the farthest away of all, because he’s in Europe...

    I now empathize with Adam and Eve, because I understand how they felt. I'm here, heartbroken, in a Garden of Eden... The Garden of Eden I now realize was an unbearable solitude. I know that the arrival of the serpent was a welcome change—anything for company...

    I never fully realized the total solitude of this place until a symbol of it—a compact and visible representation of it—gave me the perspective I needed three days ago. I was standing alone on this porch in the late afternoon, lamenting the stillness, the vast, beautiful desolation, and the lack of visible life, when a couple of graceful deer strolled across the grounds and stopped, casually sizing me up as if they thought about purchasing me as decoration. Then they seemed to decide they could find something better for less money elsewhere, and they lazily walked away, disappearing among the trees. It summarized this solitude perfectly. It’s so complete, so perfect, that even the wild animals are content with it. Those delicate creatures weren’t afraid of me at all.

This was no more than a mood—though real enough while it lasted—somber, and in its way regal. It was the loneliness of a king—King Lear. Yet he returned gladly enough to solitude after each absence.

This was just a mood—though it felt genuine while it lasted—sad, and in its own way majestic. It was the loneliness of a king—King Lear. Still, he happily returned to solitude after each time away.

It was just before one of his departures that I made another set of pictures of him, this time on the colonnaded veranda, where his figure had become so familiar. He had determined to have his hair cut when he reached New York, and I was anxious to get the pictures before this happened. When the proofs came seven of them—he arranged them as a series to illustrate what he called “The Progress of a Moral Purpose.” He ordered a number of sets of this series, and he wrote a legend on each photograph, numbering them from 1 to 7, laying each set in a sheet of letter-paper which formed a sort of wrapper, on which was written:

It was just before one of his departures that I took another set of pictures of him, this time on the covered veranda, where his figure had become so familiar. He had decided to get his hair cut when he got to New York, and I was eager to capture the photos before that happened. When the proofs arrived—seven in total—he arranged them as a series to illustrate what he called “The Progress of a Moral Purpose.” He ordered several sets of this series and wrote a caption on each photograph, numbering them from 1 to 7, placing each set in a sheet of letter-paper that created a sort of wrapper, on which was written:

    This series of q photographs registers with scientific precision,
    stage by stage, the progress of a moral purpose through the
    mind of the human race's Oldest Friend.        S. L. C.
    This series of photographs captures with scientific accuracy, step by step, the development of a moral intention in the mind of humanity's Oldest Friend.        S. L. C.

He added a personal inscription, and sent one to each of his more intimate friends. One of the pictures amused him more than the others, because during the exposure a little kitten, unnoticed, had walked into it, and paused near his foot. He had never outgrown his love for cats, and he had rented this kitten and two others for the summer from a neighbor. He didn't wish to own them, he said, for then he would have to leave them behind uncared for, so he preferred to rent them and pay sufficiently to insure their subsequent care. These kittens he called Sackcloth and Ashes—Ashes being the joint name of the two that looked exactly alike, and so did not need distinctive titles. Their gambols always amused him. He would stop any time in the midst of dictation to enjoy them. Once, as he was about to enter the screen-door that led into the hall, two of the kittens ran up in front of him and stood waiting. With grave politeness he opened the door, made a low bow, and stepped back and said: “Walk in, gentlemen. I always give precedence to royalty.” And the kittens marched in, tails in air. All summer long they played up and down the wide veranda, or chased grasshoppers and butterflies down the clover slope. It was a never-ending amusement to him to see them jump into the air after some insect, miss it and tumble back, and afterward jump up, with a surprised expression and a look of disappointment and disgust. I remember once, when he was walking up and down discussing some very serious subject—and one of the kittens was lying on the veranda asleep—a butterfly came drifting along three feet or so above the floor. The kitten must have got a glimpse of the insect out of the corner of its eye, and perhaps did not altogether realize its action. At all events, it suddenly shot straight up into the air, exactly like a bounding rubber ball, missed the butterfly, fell back on the porch floor with considerable force and with much surprise. Then it sprang to its feet, and, after spitting furiously once or twice, bounded away. Clemens had seen the performance, and it completely took his subject out of his mind. He laughed extravagantly, and evidently cared more for that moment's entertainment than for many philosophies.

He wrote a personal note and sent one to each of his close friends. One of the photos made him laugh more than the others because, during the shot, a little kitten had walked in unnoticed and stood by his foot. He had never lost his love for cats, and he had borrowed this kitten and two others from a neighbor for the summer. He didn’t want to own them, he said, because that would mean leaving them behind without care, so he preferred to rent them and pay enough to make sure they were looked after later. He named the kittens Sackcloth and Ashes—Ashes being the name of the two that looked exactly alike, so they didn’t need separate names. They always entertained him. He would stop at any point in his writing to watch them. Once, as he was about to go through the screen door into the hall, two of the kittens ran up to him and stood waiting. With serious politeness, he opened the door, bowed, stepped back, and said, “Please go ahead, gentlemen. I always give preference to royalty.” And the kittens walked in with their tails held high. All summer, they played up and down the wide porch, or chased grasshoppers and butterflies down the clover slope. It was endlessly amusing for him to watch them leap into the air after some bug, miss it and tumble back, then jump up again with a surprised look of disappointment and disgust. I remember once when he was pacing back and forth discussing something very serious, and one of the kittens was asleep on the porch—when a butterfly drifted by about three feet above the ground. The kitten must have caught a glimpse of the bug out of the corner of its eye and maybe didn’t quite realize what it was doing. In any case, it suddenly shot straight up into the air like a bouncing rubber ball, missed the butterfly, and landed back on the porch with a thud and a look of shock. Then it jumped to its feet, spat furiously a couple of times, and hopped away. Clemens had seen the whole thing, and it completely distracted him from his serious topic. He laughed loud and clearly cared more for that moment's amusement than for many deep thoughts.

In that remote solitude there was one important advantage—there was no procession of human beings with axes to grind, and few curious callers. Occasionally an automobile would find its way out there and make a circuit of the drive, but this happened too seldom to annoy him. Even newspaper men rarely made the long trip from Boston or New York to secure his opinions, and when they came it was by permission and appointment. Newspaper telegrams arrived now and then, asking for a sentiment on some public condition or event, and these he generally answered willingly enough. When the British Premier, Campbell-Bannerman, celebrated his seventieth birthday, the London Tribune and the New York Herald requested a tribute. He furnished it, for Bannerman was a very old friend. He had known him first at Marienbad in '91, and in Vienna in '98, in daily intercourse, when they had lived at the same hotel. His tribute ran:

In that isolated spot, there was one significant advantage—there was no stream of people with their own agendas, and very few nosy visitors. Occasionally, a car would find its way out there and take a drive around, but that happened too infrequently to bother him. Even journalists rarely made the long journey from Boston or New York to get his opinions, and when they did, it was with his permission and by appointment. Newswire requests came in now and then, asking for his thoughts on some public issue or event, and he usually responded to those willingly enough. When British Prime Minister Campbell-Bannerman celebrated his seventieth birthday, the London Tribune and the New York Herald asked for a tribute. He provided one since Bannerman was a very old friend. He had first met him at Marienbad in '91 and again in Vienna in '98, spending time together when they lived at the same hotel. His tribute read:

To HIS EXCELLENCY THE BRITISH PREMIER,—Congratulations, not condolences. Before seventy we are merely respected, at best, and we have to behave all the time, or we lose that asset; but after seventy we are respected, esteemed, admired, revered, and don't have to behave unless we want to. When I first knew you, Honored Sir, one of us was hardly even respected. MARK TWAIN.

To HIS EXCELLENCY THE BRITISH PREMIER,—Congratulations, not condolences. Before we turn seventy, we're just respected, at best, and we have to act a certain way to keep that respect; but after seventy, we're respected, esteemed, admired, revered, and we don't have to act a certain way unless we want to. When I first met you, Honored Sir, one of us was barely even respected. MARK TWAIN.

He had some misgivings concerning the telegram after it had gone, but he did not recall it.

He had some doubts about the telegram after it was sent, but he didn't take it back.

Clemens became the victim of a very clever hoax that summer. One day a friend gave him two examples of the most deliciously illiterate letters, supposed to have been written by a woman who had contributed certain articles of clothing to the San Francisco sufferers, and later wished to recall them because of the protests of her household. He was so sure that the letters were genuine that he included them in his dictations, after reading them aloud with great effect. To tell the truth, they did seem the least bit too well done, too literary in their illiteracy; but his natural optimism refused to admit of any suspicion, and a little later he incorporated one of the Jennie Allen letters in a speech which he made at a Press Club dinner in New York on the subject of simplified spelling—offering it as an example of language with phonetic brevity exercising its supreme function, the direct conveyance of ideas. The letters, in the end, proved to be the clever work of Miss Grace Donworth, who has since published them serially and in book form. Clemens was not at all offended or disturbed by the exposure. He even agreed to aid the young author in securing a publisher, and wrote to Miss Stockbridge, through whom he had originally received the documents:

Clemens fell victim to a clever hoax that summer. One day, a friend gave him two examples of hilariously poorly written letters, supposedly from a woman who had donated some clothes to the San Francisco disaster victims and later wanted to take them back due to her family's complaints. He was so convinced the letters were real that he included them in his dictations, reading them aloud with great flair. Honestly, they felt a bit too well-crafted, too literary for their supposed illiteracy; however, his natural optimism wouldn’t let him doubt their authenticity. Later, he used one of the Jennie Allen letters in a speech at a Press Club dinner in New York about simplified spelling, presenting it as an example of how phonetic brevity serves its ultimate purpose: conveying ideas directly. In the end, the letters turned out to be the clever work of Miss Grace Donworth, who has since published them in a series and as a book. Clemens wasn’t offended or upset by the reveal. He even offered to help the young author find a publisher and wrote to Miss Stockbridge, through whom he had originally received the letters:

    DEAR MISS STOCKBRIDGE (if she really exists),

    257 Benefit Street (if there is any such place):

    Yes, I should like a copy of that other letter. This whole fake is
    delightful; & I tremble with fear that you are a fake yourself &
    that I am your guileless prey. (But never mind, it isn't any
    matter.)

    Now as to publication——
    DEAR MISS STOCKBRIDGE (if you actually exist),

    257 Benefit Street (if that place even exists):

    Yes, I would like a copy of that other letter. This whole situation is delightful; & I’m terrified that you might be a fraud yourself & that I’m your unsuspecting target. (But never mind, it’s not that important.)

    Now regarding publication——

He set forth his views and promised his assistance when enough of the letters should be completed.

He expressed his opinions and offered his help once a sufficient number of the letters were finished.

Clemens allowed his name to be included with the list of spelling reformers, but he never employed any of the reforms in his letters or writing. His interest was mainly theoretical, and when he wrote or spoke on the subject his remarks were not likely to be testimonials in its favor. His own theory was that the alphabet needed reform, first of all, so that each letter or character should have one sound, and one sound only; and he offered as a solution of this an adaptation of shorthand. He wrote and dictated in favor of this idea to the end of his life. Once he said:

Clemens agreed to have his name added to the list of spelling reformers, but he never used any of the reforms in his letters or writings. His interest was mostly theoretical, and when he talked or wrote about the topic, his comments weren’t likely to support it. He believed that the alphabet needed reform so that each letter or character would correspond to just one sound. He suggested adapting shorthand as a solution for this. He wrote and advocated for this idea throughout his life. At one point, he said:

“Our alphabet is pure insanity. It can hardly spell any large word in the English language with any degree of certainty. Its sillinesses are quite beyond enumeration. English orthography may need reforming and simplifying, but the English alphabet needs it a good many times as much.”

“Our alphabet is completely crazy. It can barely spell any big word in the English language accurately. Its absurdities are too many to count. English spelling definitely needs reform and simplification, but the English alphabet needs it way more.”

He would naturally favor simplicity in anything. I remember him reading, as an example of beautiful English, The Death of King Arthur, by Sir Thomas Malory, and his verdict:

He naturally preferred simplicity in everything. I remember him reading, as an example of beautiful English, The Death of King Arthur, by Sir Thomas Malory, and his verdict:

“That is one of the most beautiful things ever written in English, and written when we had no vocabulary.”

"That's one of the most beautiful pieces ever written in English, and it was created when we didn't have much vocabulary."

“A vocabulary, then, is sometimes a handicap?”

“A vocabulary, then, is sometimes a disadvantage?”

“It is indeed.”

"Yes, it is."

Still I think it was never a handicap with him, but rather the plumage of flight. Sometimes, when just the right word did not come, he would turn his head a little at different angles, as if looking about him for the precise term. He would find it directly, and it was invariably the word needed. Most writers employ, now and again, phrases that do not sharply present the idea—that blur the picture like a poor opera-glass. Mark Twain's English always focused exactly.

Still, I think it was never a disadvantage for him, but rather the feathers of flight. Sometimes, when the right word didn't come to mind, he would tilt his head at different angles, as if searching for the exact term. He would find it right away, and it was always the word that was needed. Most writers occasionally use phrases that don’t clearly convey the idea—that muddle the picture like a cheap pair of binoculars. Mark Twain’s English always hit the mark perfectly.





CCXLVIII. “WHAT IS MAN?” AND THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Clemens decided to publish anonymously, or, rather, to print privately, the Gospel, which he had written in Vienna some eight years before and added to from time to time. He arranged with Frank Doubleday to take charge of the matter, and the De Vinne Press was engaged to do the work. The book was copyrighted in the name of J. W. Bothwell, the superintendent of the De Vinne company, and two hundred and fifty numbered copies were printed on hand-made paper, to be gradually distributed to intimate friends.—[In an introductory word (dated February, 1905) the author states that the studies for these papers had been made twenty-five or twenty-seven years before. He probably referred to the Monday Evening Club essay, “What Is Happiness?” (February, 1883). See chap. cxli.]—A number of the books were sent to newspaper reviewers, and so effectually had he concealed the personality of his work that no critic seems to have suspected the book's authorship. It was not over-favorably received. It was generally characterized as a clever, and even brilliant, expose of philosophies which were no longer startlingly new. The supremacy of self-interest and “man the irresponsible machine” are the main features of 'What Is Man' and both of these and all the rest are comprehended in his wider and more absolute doctrine of that inevitable life-sequence which began with the first created spark. There can be no training of the ideals, “upward and still upward,” no selfishness and unselfishness, no atom of voluntary effort within the boundaries of that conclusion. Once admitting the postulate, that existence is merely a sequence of cause and effect beginning with the primal atom, and we have a theory that must stand or fall as a whole. We cannot say that man is a creature of circumstance and then leave him free to select his circumstance, even in the minutest fractional degree. It was selected for him with his disposition; in that first instant of created life. Clemens himself repeatedly emphasized this doctrine, and once, when it was suggested to him that it seemed to “surround every thing, like the sky,” he answered:

Clemens chose to publish anonymously, or rather, to print privately, the Gospel he had written in Vienna about eight years earlier and had updated periodically. He worked with Frank Doubleday to manage the publishing process, and the De Vinne Press was hired to handle the printing. The book was copyrighted under the name of J. W. Bothwell, the superintendent of the De Vinne company, and 250 numbered copies were printed on handmade paper to be gradually distributed to close friends.—[In an introductory note (dated February, 1905), the author mentions that the studies for these papers were done twenty-five or twenty-seven years earlier. He likely referred to the Monday Evening Club essay, “What Is Happiness?” (February, 1883). See chap. cxli.]—Several copies were sent to newspaper reviewers, and he had concealed the identity of his work so well that no critic seemed to guess the author. The reception was less than favorable. It was generally described as a clever, even brilliant, critique of philosophies that were no longer groundbreaking. The dominance of self-interest and “man as the irresponsible machine” are central themes of 'What Is Man,' and both these ideas, along with others, fit into his broader and more absolute theory of inevitable life sequences starting with the first created spark. There can be no training of ideals, “upward and still upward,” no selfishness or unselfishness, and no voluntary effort within the scope of that conclusion. Once we accept the idea that existence is simply a chain of cause and effect starting from the primal atom, we have a theory that must either succeed or fail as a whole. We can't claim that man is a product of circumstance and then leave him free to choose his circumstances, even in the smallest detail. His circumstances were determined for him along with his disposition at that very moment of created life. Clemens himself often highlighted this doctrine, and once, when it was pointed out that it seemed to “surround everything, like the sky,” he responded:

“Yes, like the sky; you can't break through anywhere.”

“Yes, just like the sky; you can't break through anywhere.”

Colonel Harvey came to Dublin that summer and persuaded Clemens to let him print some selections from the dictations in the new volume of the North American Review, which he proposed to issue fortnightly. The matter was discussed a good deal, and it was believed that one hundred thousand words could be selected which would be usable forthwith, as well as in that long-deferred period for which it was planned. Colonel Harvey agreed to take a copy of the dictated matter and make the selections himself, and this plan was carried out. It may be said that most of the chapters were delightful enough; though, had it been possible to edit them with the more positive documents as a guide, certain complications might have been avoided. It does not matter now, and it was not a matter of very wide import then.

Colonel Harvey came to Dublin that summer and convinced Clemens to allow him to publish some selections from the dictations in the new volume of the North American Review, which he planned to release every two weeks. They discussed the idea quite a bit and believed that they could select one hundred thousand words that would be useful both right away and in the longer term they had in mind. Colonel Harvey agreed to take a copy of the dictated material and make the selections himself, and this plan was put into action. Most of the chapters were quite enjoyable; however, if it had been possible to edit them using the more definitive documents as a reference, some issues might have been avoided. It doesn’t matter now, and it wasn’t a significant issue back then either.

The payment of these chapters netted Clemens thirty thousand dollars—a comfortable sum, which he promptly proposed to spend in building on the property at Redding. He engaged John Mead Howells to prepare some preliminary plans.

The payment for these chapters earned Clemens thirty thousand dollars—a decent amount, which he immediately decided to use to build on the property in Redding. He hired John Mead Howells to create some initial plans.

Clara Clemens, at Norfolk, was written to of the matter.

Clara Clemens, in Norfolk, was informed about the matter.

A little later I joined her in Redding, and she was the first of the family to see that beautiful hilltop. She was well pleased with the situation, and that day selected the spot where the house should stand. Clemens wrote Howells that he proposed to call it “Autobiography House,” as it was to be built out of the Review money, and he said:

A little later, I joined her in Redding, and she was the first in the family to see that beautiful hilltop. She was really happy with the location and that day chose the spot where the house would be built. Clemens told Howells that he planned to call it “Autobiography House,” since it would be funded by the Review money, and he said:

“If you will build on my farm and live there it will set Mrs. Howells's health up for sure. Come and I'll sell you the site for twenty-five dollars. John will tell you it is a choice place.”

“If you build on my farm and live there, it’ll definitely improve Mrs. Howells's health. Come over, and I’ll sell you the lot for twenty-five dollars. John will tell you it’s a great location.”

The unusual summer was near its close. In my notebook, under date of September 16th, appears this entry:

The strange summer was coming to an end. In my notebook, dated September 16th, there's this note:

    Windy in valleys but not cold. This veranda is protected. It is
    peaceful here and perfect, but we are at the summer's end.
    It’s windy in the valleys but not cold. This porch is sheltered. It’s peaceful and perfect here, but we’re at the end of summer.

This is my last entry, and the dictations must have ceased a few days later. I do not remember the date of the return to New York, and apparently I made no record of it; but I do not think it could have been later than the 20th. It had been four months since the day of arrival, a long, marvelous summer such as I would hardly know again. When I think of that time I shall always hear the ceaseless slippered, shuffling walk, and see the white figure with its rocking, rolling movement passing up and down the long gallery, with that preternaturally beautiful landscape behind, and I shall hear his deliberate speech—always deliberate, save at rare intervals; always impressive, whatever the subject might be; whether recalling some old absurdity of youth, or denouncing orthodox creeds, or detailing the shortcomings of human-kind.

This is my last entry, and the dictations must have stopped a few days later. I don’t remember the date we returned to New York, and apparently, I didn’t note it down; but I don’t think it could have been any later than the 20th. It had been four months since we arrived, a long, amazing summer that I probably won’t experience again. When I think about that time, I will always hear the constant sound of slippered, shuffling footsteps, and see the white figure with its rocking, rolling movement passing up and down the long hallway, with that unbelievably beautiful landscape behind it. I will also remember his careful speech—always careful, except at rare moments; always impactful, no matter the topic—whether he was reminiscing about some old silliness from his youth, criticizing traditional beliefs, or discussing the flaws of humanity.





CCXLIX. BILLIARDS

The return to New York marked the beginning of a new era in my relations with Mark Twain. I have not meant to convey up to this time that there was between us anything resembling a personal friendship. Our relations were friendly, certainly, but they were relations of convenience and mainly of a business, or at least of a literary nature. He was twenty-six years my senior, and the discrepancy of experience and attainments was not measurable. With such conditions friendship must be a deliberate growth; something there must be to bridge the dividing gulf. Truth requires the confession that, in this case, the bridge took a very solid, material form, it being, in fact, nothing less than a billiard-table.—[Clemens had been without a billiard-table since 1891, the old one having been disposed of on the departure from Hartford.]

The return to New York marked the start of a new phase in my relationship with Mark Twain. Up until this point, I haven't conveyed that there was anything like a personal friendship between us. Our relationship was certainly friendly, but it was mainly based on convenience and was primarily business or, at least, literary in nature. He was twenty-six years older than me, and the gap in experience and achievements was immense. With such dynamics, friendship has to develop intentionally; something has to bridge the gap between us. To be honest, in this case, that bridge took a very tangible form—it was nothing less than a billiard table. —[Clemens had been without a billiard table since 1891, the old one having been sold when he left Hartford.]

It was a present from Mrs. Henry H. Rogers, and had been intended for his Christmas; but when he heard of it he could not wait, and suggested delicately that if he had it “right now” he could begin using it sooner. So he went one day with Mr. Rogers to the Balke-Collender Company, and they selected a handsome combination table suitable to all games—the best that money could buy. He was greatly excited over the prospect, and his former bedroom was carefully measured, to be certain that it was large enough for billiard purposes. Then his bed was moved into the study, and the bookcases and certain appropriate pictures were placed and hung in the billiard-room to give it the proper feeling.

It was a gift from Mrs. Henry H. Rogers, and it was meant for his Christmas; but as soon as he found out about it, he couldn’t wait and suggested gently that if he had it "right now," he could start using it sooner. So one day, he went with Mr. Rogers to the Balke-Collender Company, and they picked out a beautiful combination table that was perfect for all kinds of games—the best money could buy. He was really excited about the idea, and they carefully measured his old bedroom to make sure it was big enough for billiards. Then, his bed was moved into the study, and the bookcases and some suitable pictures were arranged and hung in the billiard room to create the right atmosphere.

The billiard-table arrived and was put in place, the brilliant green cloth in contrast with the rich red wallpaper and the bookbindings and pictures making the room wonderfully handsome and inviting.

The pool table was delivered and set up, the bright green felt contrasting beautifully with the deep red wallpaper and the leather-bound books and artwork, making the room look elegant and welcoming.

Meantime, Clemens, with one of his sudden impulses, had conceived the notion of spending the winter in Egypt, on the Nile. He had gone so far, within a few hours after the idea developed, as to plan the time of his departure, and to partially engage a traveling secretary, so that he might continue his dictations. He was quite full of the idea just at the moment when the billiard table was being installed. He had sent for a book on the subject—the letters of Lady Duff-Gordon, whose daughter, Janet Ross, had become a dear friend in Florence during the Viviani days. He spoke of this new purpose on the morning when we renewed the New York dictations, a month or more following the return from Dublin. When the dictation ended he said:

In the meantime, Clemens, driven by one of his sudden urges, had the idea of spending the winter in Egypt, along the Nile. Within just a few hours of coming up with it, he had planned when he would leave and partially hired a travel secretary so he could keep up with his dictations. He was really enthusiastic about the idea right at the moment when the billiard table was being set up. He had requested a book on the subject—the letters of Lady Duff-Gordon, whose daughter, Janet Ross, had become a close friend in Florence during the Viviani days. He mentioned this new plan on the morning we resumed the New York dictations, more than a month after returning from Dublin. When the dictation wrapped up, he said:

“Have you any special place to lunch to-day?”

“Do you have any special place in mind for lunch today?”

I replied that I had not.

I said I hadn't.

“Lunch here,” he said, “and we'll try the new billiard-table.”

“Let’s have lunch here,” he said, “and we’ll check out the new pool table.”

I said what was eminently true—that I could not play—that I had never played more “than a few games of pool, and those very long ago.

I stated what was obviously true—that I couldn’t play—that I had only played a few games of pool, and that was a long time ago.

“No matter,” he answered; “the poorer you play, the better I shall like it.”

“No worries,” he replied; “the worse you play, the more I’ll enjoy it.”

So I remained for luncheon and we began, November 2d, the first game ever played on the Christmas table. We played the English game, in which caroms and pockets both count. I had a beginner's luck, on the whole, and I remember it as a riotous, rollicking game, the beginning of a closer understanding between us—of a distinct epoch in our association. When it was ended he said:

So I stayed for lunch, and on November 2nd, we started the first game ever played at the Christmas table. We played the English game, where both caroms and pockets count. I had some beginner's luck overall, and I remember it as a lively, fun game, marking the start of a deeper connection between us—this moment signaled a new era in our relationship. When it was over, he said:

“I'm not going to Egypt. There was a man here yesterday afternoon who said it was bad for bronchitis, and, besides, it's too far away from this billiard-table.”

“I'm not going to Egypt. There was a guy here yesterday afternoon who said it was bad for bronchitis, and anyway, it's too far away from this billiard table.”

He suggested that I come back in the evening and play some more. I did so, and the game lasted until after midnight. He gave me odds, of course, and my “nigger luck,” as he called it, continued. It kept him sweating and swearing feverishly to win. Finally, once I made a great fluke—a carom, followed by most of the balls falling into the pockets.

He suggested that I come back in the evening and play some more. I did, and the game went on until after midnight. He gave me odds, of course, and my "luck," as he called it, kept going strong. It had him sweating and cursing madly to try to win. Finally, I made an incredible shot—a carom, followed by most of the balls dropping into the pockets.

“Well,” he said, “when you pick up that cue this damn table drips at every pore.”

"Well," he said, "when you pick up that cue, this damn table drips at every pore."

After that the morning dictations became a secondary interest. Like a boy, he was looking forward to the afternoon of play, and it never seemed to come quick enough to suit him. I remained regularly for luncheon, and he was inclined to cut the courses short, that he might the sooner get up-stairs to the billiard-room. His earlier habit of not eating in the middle of the day continued; but he would get up and dress, and walk about the dining-room in his old fashion, talking that marvelous, marvelous talk which I was always trying to remember, and with only fractional success at best. To him it was only a method of killing time. I remember once, when he had been discussing with great earnestness the Japanese question, he suddenly noticed that the luncheon was about ending, and he said:

After that, the morning dictations became less interesting to him. Like a kid, he eagerly anticipated the afternoon of fun, and it always felt like it took forever to arrive. I consistently stayed for lunch, and he often rushed through the courses so he could hurry upstairs to the billiard room. He still stuck to his old routine of not eating during the day; however, he would get up, dress, and stroll around the dining room, engaging in that amazing, amazing conversation that I could never quite remember, no matter how hard I tried. For him, it was just a way to pass the time. I recall one time when he was discussing the Japanese issue with a lot of seriousness, and then he suddenly realized that lunch was almost over, and he said:

“Now we'll proceed to more serious matters—it's your—shot.” And he was quite serious, for the green cloth and the rolling balls afforded him a much larger interest.

“Now we’ll move on to more serious matters—it’s your—turn.” And he was completely serious, as the green cloth and the rolling balls held his attention much more.

To the donor of his new possession Clemens wrote:

To the donor of his new possession, Clemens wrote:

    DEAR MRS. ROGERS,—The billiard-table is better than the doctors.
    I have a billiardist on the premises, & walk not less than ten miles
    every day with the cue in my hand. And the walking is not the whole
    of the exercise, nor the most health giving part of it, I think.
    Through the multitude of the positions and attitudes it brings into
    play every muscle in the body & exercises them all.

    The games begin right after luncheons, daily, & continue until
    midnight, with 2 hours' intermission for dinner & music. And so it
    is 9 hours' exercise per day & 10 or 12 on Sunday. Yesterday & last
    night it was 12—& I slept until 8 this morning without waking. The
    billiard-table as a Sabbath-breaker can beat any coal-breaker in
    Pennsylvania & give it 30 in the game. If Mr. Rogers will take to
    daily billiards he can do without the doctors & the massageur, I
    think.

    We are really going to build a house on my farm, an hour & a half
    from New York. It is decided.

    With love & many thanks.
                                S. L. C.
DEAR MRS. ROGERS, — The billiard table is better than doctors. I have a billiard player here, and I walk at least ten miles every day with the cue in my hand. And the walking isn't the only exercise, nor the most beneficial part of it, in my opinion. It engages every muscle in the body through the variety of positions and movements.

The games start right after lunch every day and go until midnight, with a 2-hour break for dinner and music. That's 9 hours of exercise per day and 10 or 12 on Sundays. Yesterday and last night, it was 12 — I slept until 8 this morning without waking up. The billiard table as a Sabbath-breaker can outdo any coal breaker in Pennsylvania and give it 30 in the game. If Mr. Rogers takes up daily billiards, I think he can skip the doctors and the massage therapist.

We're really going to build a house on my farm, an hour and a half from New York. It's been decided.

With love and many thanks.  
                                S. L. C.

Naturally enough, with continued practice I improved my game, and he reduced my odds accordingly. He was willing to be beaten, but not too often. Like any other boy, he preferred to have the balance in his favor. We set down a record of the games, and he went to bed happier if the tally-sheet showed him winner.

Naturally, with more practice I got better at the game, and he adjusted my odds accordingly. He was okay with losing, but not too frequently. Like any other kid, he liked to have the advantage. We kept a record of the games, and he went to bed happier if the tally sheet showed him as the winner.

It was natural, too, that an intimacy of association and of personal interest should grow under such conditions—to me a precious boon—and I wish here to record my own boundless gratitude to Mrs. Rogers for her gift, which, whatever it meant to him, meant so much more to me. The disparity of ages no longer existed; other discrepancies no longer mattered. The pleasant land of play is a democracy where such things do not count.

It was only natural that a close bond and personal interest developed under these circumstances—something I truly valued—and I want to express my deep gratitude to Mrs. Rogers for her gift, which, no matter what it meant to him, meant so much more to me. The difference in our ages didn't matter anymore; other differences didn't matter either. The joyful realm of play is a place where those things don't matter.

To recall all the humors and interesting happenings of those early billiard-days would be to fill a large volume. I can preserve no more than a few characteristic phases.

To remember all the quirks and fun moments of those early billiard days would take a whole book. I can only share a few memorable highlights.

He was not an even-tempered player. When the balls were perverse in their movements and his aim unsteady, he was likely to become short with his opponent—critical and even fault-finding. Then presently a reaction would set in, and he would be seized with remorse. He would become unnecessarily gentle and kindly—even attentive—placing the balls as I knocked them into the pockets, hurrying from one end of the table to render this service, endeavoring to show in every way except by actual confession in words that he was sorry for what seemed to him, no doubt, an unworthy display of temper, unjustified irritation.

He wasn't a calm player. When the balls weren't behaving and his aim was off, he would often get irritated with his opponent—critical and even nitpicky. Then, a little while later, he would feel a surge of guilt. He would become overly gentle and nice—even attentive—positioning the balls as I pocketed them, rushing from one end of the table to help out, trying to show in every way except actually saying so that he was sorry for what he felt was an uncalled-for display of temper and unjustified annoyance.

Naturally, this was a mood that I enjoyed less than that which had induced it. I did not wish him to humble himself; I was willing that he should be severe, even harsh, if he felt so inclined; his age, his position, his genius entitled him to special privileges; yet I am glad, as I remember it now, that the other side revealed itself, for it completes the sum of his great humanity.

Naturally, I preferred the mood that had caused this rather than the one I was experiencing. I didn’t want him to put himself down; I was okay with him being strict or even harsh if that’s how he felt. His age, his status, and his talent gave him the right to special treatment. Still, looking back, I’m glad the other side showed itself because it adds to the fullness of his amazing humanity.

Indeed, he was always not only human, but superhuman; not only a man, but superman. Nor does this term apply only to his psychology. In no other human being have I ever seen such physical endurance. I was comparatively a young man, and by no means an invalid; but many a time, far in the night, when I was ready to drop with exhaustion, he was still as fresh and buoyant and eager for the game as at the moment of beginning. He smoked and smoked continually, and followed the endless track around the billiard-table with the light step of youth. At three or four o'clock in the morning he would urge just one more game, and would taunt me for my weariness. I can truthfully testify that never until the last year of his life did he willingly lay down the billiard-cue, or show the least suggestion of fatigue.

Indeed, he was always not just human, but superhuman; not just a man, but a superman. This description applies not only to his mindset. I've never seen such physical endurance in anyone else. I was relatively young and definitely not out of shape, but many times during the night, when I was ready to collapse from exhaustion, he was still as fresh, lively, and eager for the game as he was when we started. He smoked continuously and moved around the billiard table with the lightness of youth. At three or four in the morning, he would insist on just one more game and tease me for being tired. I can honestly say that he never willingly put down the billiard cue or showed even the slightest signs of fatigue until the last year of his life.

He played always at high pressure. Now and then, in periods of adversity, he would fly into a perfect passion with things in general. But, in the end, it was a sham battle, and he saw the uselessness and humor of it, even in the moment of his climax. Once, when he found it impossible to make any of his favorite shots, he became more and more restive, the lightning became vividly picturesque as the clouds blackened. Finally, with a regular thunder-blast, he seized the cue with both hands and literally mowed the balls across the table, landing one or two of them on the floor. I do not recall his exact remarks during the performance; I was chiefly concerned in getting out of the way, and those sublime utterances were lost. I gathered up the balls and we went on playing as if nothing had happened, only he was very gentle and sweet, like the sun on the meadows after the storm has passed by. After a little he said:

He always played under a lot of pressure. Occasionally, during tough moments, he would get really worked up about everything. But in the end, it was just a show, and he recognized the pointlessness and humor of it, even at his peak. Once, when he couldn’t make any of his favorite shots, he started to get increasingly restless; the lightning became striking as the clouds darkened. Finally, with a loud crash, he grabbed the cue with both hands and literally swiped the balls across the table, sending one or two of them to the floor. I don’t remember exactly what he said during that outburst; I was mostly just trying to stay out of the way, and those brilliant comments were lost on me. I picked up the balls, and we continued playing as if nothing had happened, except he was very calm and pleasant, like the sun shining on the fields after a storm has passed. After a little while, he said:

“This is a most amusing game. When you play badly it amuses me, and when I play badly and lose my temper it certainly must amuse you.”

“This is a really funny game. When you play poorly, it makes me laugh, and when I play poorly and lose my cool, it definitely has to make you laugh too.”

His enjoyment of his opponent's perplexities was very keen. When he had left the balls in some unfortunate position which made it almost impossible for me to score he would laugh boisterously. I used to affect to be injured and disturbed by this ridicule. Once, when he had made the conditions unusually hard for me, and was enjoying the situation accordingly, I was tempted to remark:

His enjoyment of his opponent's struggles was intense. When he left the balls in a tricky position that made it nearly impossible for me to score, he would laugh loudly. I tried to act like I was hurt and bothered by his mockery. Once, when he had created an especially tough situation for me and was reveling in it, I was tempted to say:

“Whenever I see you laugh at a thing like that I always doubt your sense of humor.” Which seemed to add to his amusement.

“Every time I see you laugh at something like that, I always question your sense of humor.” That only seemed to make him more amused.

Sometimes, when the balls were badly placed for me, he would offer ostensible advice, suggesting that I should shoot here and there—shots that were possible, perhaps, but not promising. Often I would follow his advice, and then when I failed to score his amusement broke out afresh.

Sometimes, when the balls were in a bad position for me, he would give obvious advice, suggesting that I should take shots here and there—shots that were possible, maybe, but not very promising. Often I would follow his advice, and then when I failed to score, he would burst out laughing again.

Other billiardists came from time to time: Colonel Harvey, Mr. Duneka, and Major Leigh, of the Harper Company, and Peter Finley Dunne (Mr. Dooley); but they were handicapped by their business affairs, and were not dependable for daily and protracted sessions. Any number of his friends were willing, even eager, to come for his entertainment; but the percentage of them who could and would devote a number of hours each day to being beaten at billiards and enjoy the operation dwindled down to a single individual. Even I could not have done it—could not have afforded it, however much I might have enjoyed the diversion—had it not been contributory to my work. To me the association was invaluable; it drew from him a thousand long-forgotten incidents; it invited a stream of picturesque comments and philosophies; it furnished the most intimate insight into his character.

Other billiard players would drop by from time to time: Colonel Harvey, Mr. Duneka, Major Leigh from the Harper Company, and Peter Finley Dunne (Mr. Dooley); but they were often busy with their work and couldn’t commit to regular long sessions. Many of his friends were happy, even excited, to come over for his entertainment; but the number of those who could and would spend several hours each day getting beaten at billiards while actually enjoying it quickly dwindled to just one person. Even I wouldn’t have been able to keep it up—couldn’t have afforded it, no matter how much I might have enjoyed it—if it hadn’t been useful for my work. For me, the time spent with him was priceless; it brought out a flood of long-forgotten stories from him; it sparked a stream of vivid comments and philosophies; it provided an incredibly close look into his character.

He was not always glad to see promiscuous callers, even some one that he might have met pleasantly elsewhere. One afternoon a young man whom he had casually invited to “drop in some day in town” happened to call in the midst of a very close series of afternoon games. It would all have been well enough if the visitor had been content to sit quietly on the couch and “bet on the game,” as Clemens suggested, after the greetings were over; but he was a very young man, and he felt the necessity of being entertaining. He insisted on walking about the room and getting in the way, and on talking about the Mark Twain books he had read, and the people he had met from time to time who had known Mark Twain on the river, or on the Pacific coast, or elsewhere. I knew how fatal it was for him to talk to Clemens during his play, especially concerning matters most of which had been laid away. I trembled for our visitor. If I could have got his ear privately I should have said: “For heaven's sake sit down and keep still or go away! There's going to be a combination of earthquake and cyclone and avalanche if you keep this thing up.”

He wasn’t always happy to see unexpected visitors, even someone he might have enjoyed seeing on another occasion. One afternoon, a young man he had casually invited to "drop by sometime in town" happened to show up right in the middle of a very intense series of afternoon games. It would have been fine if the guest had been okay with just sitting quietly on the couch and "betting on the game," as Clemens suggested after the initial greetings, but he was quite young and felt the need to be entertaining. He insisted on walking around the room, getting in the way, and talking about the Mark Twain books he had read, as well as people he had met over time who had known Mark Twain on the river, or on the Pacific coast, or elsewhere. I knew how disastrous it was for him to talk to Clemens during his games, especially about subjects most of which had been long forgotten. I feared for our visitor. If I could have gotten his attention privately, I would have said: "For heaven’s sake, sit down and be quiet or leave! There’s going to be a mix of earthquake, cyclone, and avalanche if you keep this up."

I did what I could. I looked at my watch every other minute. At last, in desperation, I suggested that I retire from the game and let the visitor have my cue. I suppose I thought this would eliminate an element of danger. He declined on the ground that he seldom played, and continued his deadly visit. I have never been in an atmosphere so fraught with danger. I did not know how the game stood, and I played mechanically and forgot to count the score. Clemens's face was grim and set and savage. He no longer ventured even a word. By and by I noticed that he was getting white, and I said, privately, “Now, this young man's hour has come.”

I did what I could. I checked my watch every couple of minutes. Finally, in desperation, I suggested that I back out of the game and let the visitor use my cue. I thought this might reduce the tension. He turned me down, saying he rarely played, and continued his intense visit. I've never been in an atmosphere so full of threat. I had no clue how the game was going, so I played on autopilot and forgot to keep score. Clemens's face looked stern and fierce. He didn’t even say a word anymore. Eventually, I noticed he was turning pale, and I thought to myself, “Now, this young man’s moment has arrived.”

It was certainly by the mercy of God just then that the visitor said:

It was definitely by God's grace at that moment that the visitor said:

“I'm sorry, but I've got to go. I'd like to stay longer, but I've got an engagement for dinner.”

“I'm sorry, but I have to go. I wish I could stay longer, but I have plans for dinner.”

I don't remember how he got out, but I know that tons lifted as the door closed behind him. Clemens made his shot, then very softly said:

I don't remember how he got out, but I know that a huge weight lifted as the door closed behind him. Clemens took his shot, then quietly said:

“If he had stayed another five minutes I should have offered him twenty-five cents to go.”

“If he had stayed another five minutes, I would have offered him twenty-five cents to leave.”

But a moment later he glared at me.

But a moment later, he shot me a glare.

“Why in nation did you offer him your cue?”

“Why on earth did you give him your cue?”

“Wasn't that the courteous thing to do?” I asked.

“Wasn't that the polite thing to do?” I asked.

“No!” he ripped out. “The courteous and proper thing would have been to strike him dead. Did you want to saddle that disaster upon us for life?”

“No!” he shouted. “The polite and appropriate thing would have been to kill him right then. Did you want to burden us with that disaster for the rest of our lives?”

He was blowing off steam, and I knew it and encouraged it. My impulse was to lie down on the couch and shout with hysterical laughter, but I suspected that would be indiscreet. He made some further comment on the propriety of offering a visitor a cue, and suddenly began to sing a travesty of an old hymn:

He was venting, and I recognized it and supported him. My instinct was to lie down on the couch and burst into hysterical laughter, but I thought that might be inappropriate. He made another remark about the appropriateness of giving a guest a cue, and then he suddenly started singing a parody of an old hymn:

         “How tedious are they
           Who their sovereign obey,”
 
         “How boring are those
           Who obey their ruler,”

and so loudly that I said:

and so loudly that I said:

“Aren't you afraid he'll hear you and come back?” Whereupon he pretended alarm and sang under his breath, and for the rest of the evening was in boundless good-humor.

“Aren't you worried he'll hear you and come back?” At that, he feigned alarm and sang softly to himself, and for the rest of the evening, he was in great spirits.

I have recalled this incident merely as a sample of things that were likely to happen at any time in his company, and to show the difficulty one might find in fitting himself to his varying moods. He was not to be learned in a day, or a week, or a month; some of those who knew him longest did not learn him at all.

I mentioned this incident just as an example of what could happen anytime in his presence, and to illustrate how challenging it was to adapt to his changing moods. You couldn't figure him out in a day, a week, or even a month; some of the people who knew him the longest never really understood him at all.

We celebrated his seventy-first birthday by playing billiards all day. He invented a new game for the occasion; inventing rules for it with almost every shot.

We celebrated his seventy-first birthday by playing pool all day. He came up with a new game for the occasion, creating rules for it with almost every shot.

It happened that no member of the family was at home on this birthday. Ill health had banished every one, even the secretary. Flowers, telegrams, and congratulations came, and there was a string of callers; but he saw no one beyond some intimate friends—the Gilders—late in the afternoon. When they had gone we went down to dinner. We were entirely alone, and I felt the great honor of being his only guest on such an occasion. Once between the courses, when he rose, as usual, to walk about, he wandered into the drawing-room, and seating himself at the orchestrelle began to play the beautiful flower-song from “Faust.” It was a thing I had not seen him do before, and I never saw him do it again. When he came back to the table he said:

It just so happened that nobody in the family was home on this birthday. Illness had kept everyone away, even the secretary. Flowers, telegrams, and congratulations arrived, along with a line of visitors; but he only saw a few close friends—the Gilders—late in the afternoon. After they left, we went down to dinner. We were completely alone, and I felt honored to be his only guest on such an occasion. Once, between courses, when he stood up like he usually did to walk around, he wandered into the living room, sat down at the orchestrelle, and started playing the beautiful flower song from "Faust." It was something I had never seen him do before, and I never saw him do it again. When he returned to the table, he said:

“Speaking of companions of the long ago, after fifty years they become only shadows and might as well be in the grave. Only those whom one has really loved mean anything at all. Of my playmates I recall John Briggs, John Garth, and Laura Hawkins—just those three; the rest I buried long ago, and memory cannot even find their graves.”

“Talking about friends from way back, after fifty years they turn into just memories and might as well be gone. Only the people we truly loved matter. I remember my childhood friends John Briggs, John Garth, and Laura Hawkins—just those three; the others I let go of long ago, and my memory can't even find where they are.”

He was in his loveliest humor all that day and evening; and that night, when he stopped playing, he said:

He was in a great mood all day and evening; and that night, when he finished playing, he said:

“I have never had a pleasanter day at this game.”

"I've never had a better day playing this game."

I answered, “I hope ten years from to-night we shall still be playing it.”

I replied, “I hope that ten years from tonight we'll still be playing it.”

“Yes,” he said, “still playing the best game on earth.”

“Yes,” he said, “still playing the best game in the world.”





CCL. PHILOSOPHY AND PESSIMISM

In a letter to MacAlister, written at this time, he said:

    The doctors banished Jean to the country 5 weeks ago; they banished
    my secretary to the country for a fortnight last Saturday; they
    banished Clara to the country for a fortnight last Monday....
    They banished me to Bermuda to sail next Wednesday, but I struck and
    sha'n't go. My complaint is permanent bronchitis & is one of the
    very best assets I've got, for it excuses me from every public
    function this winter—& all other winters that may come.
    The doctors sent Jean to the countryside 5 weeks ago; they sent my secretary to the countryside for two weeks last Saturday; they sent Clara to the countryside for two weeks last Monday.... They sent me to Bermuda to sail next Wednesday, but I refused and I’m not going. My issue is chronic bronchitis & it’s one of the best things I have because it excuses me from every public event this winter—& all the winters to come.

If he had bronchitis when this letter was written, it must have been of a very mild form, for it did not interfere with billiard games, which were more protracted and strenuous than at almost any other period. I conclude, therefore, that it was a convenient bronchitis, useful on occasion.

If he had bronchitis when this letter was written, it must have been a really mild case, since it didn't stop him from playing billiards, which were longer and more intense than at almost any other time. So, I think it was a handy bronchitis, useful when needed.

For a full ten days we were alone in the big house with the servants. It was a holiday most of the time. We hurried through the mail in the morning and the telephone calls; then, while I answered such letters as required attention, he dictated for an hour or so to Miss Hobby, after which, billiards for the rest of the day and evening. When callers were reported by the butler, I went down and got rid of them. Clara Clemens, before her departure, had pinned up a sign, “NO BILLIARDS AFTER 10 P.M.,” which still hung on the wall, but it was outlawed. Clemens occasionally planned excursions to Bermuda and other places; but, remembering the billiard-table, which he could not handily take along, he abandoned these projects. He was a boy whose parents had been called away, left to his own devices, and bent on a good time.

For a full ten days, we were alone in the big house with the staff. Most of the time felt like a holiday. We rushed through the mail in the morning and the phone calls; then, while I handled the letters that needed attention, he dictated for about an hour to Miss Hobby. After that, it was billiards for the rest of the day and evening. When the butler announced visitors, I went downstairs to send them away. Clara Clemens had put up a sign that said, “NO BILLIARDS AFTER 10 P.M.,” which still hung on the wall, but it was ignored. Clemens sometimes planned trips to Bermuda and other places, but remembering the billiard table, which he couldn’t easily take with him, he dropped those plans. He was like a boy left to his own devices after his parents had been called away, intent on having a good time.

There were likely to be irritations in his morning's mail, and more often he did not wish to see it until it had been pretty carefully sifted. So many people wrote who wanted things, so many others who made the claim of more or less distant acquaintanceship the excuse for long and trivial letters.

There would probably be annoyances in his morning mail, and more often than not, he preferred to wait until it had been mostly sorted. So many people wrote asking for things, and so many others used the pretense of being acquaintances as an excuse to send long and pointless letters.

“I have stirred up three generations,” he said; “first the grandparents, then the children, and now the grandchildren; the great-grandchildren will begin to arrive soon.”

“I have stirred up three generations,” he said; “first the grandparents, then the children, and now the grandchildren; the great-grandchildren will start arriving soon.”

His mail was always large; but often it did not look interesting. One could tell from the envelope and the superscription something of the contents. Going over one assortment he burst out:

His mail was always huge; but it often didn’t seem interesting. You could tell from the envelope and the address what some of the contents were. Going through one pile, he exclaimed:

“Look at them! Look how trivial they are! Every envelope looks as if it contained a trivial human soul.”

“Look at them! Look how insignificant they are! Every envelope seems like it holds a trivial human soul.”

Many letters were filled with fulsome praise and compliment, usually of one pattern. He was sated with such things, and seldom found it possible to bear more than a line or two of them. Yet a fresh, well-expressed note of appreciation always pleased him.

Many letters were filled with excessive praise and compliments, usually following the same pattern. He was tired of such things and rarely found it possible to read more than a line or two of them. However, a fresh, well-articulated note of appreciation always made him happy.

“I can live for two months on a good compliment,” he once said. Certain persistent correspondents, too self-centered to realize their lack of consideration, or the futility of their purpose, followed him relentlessly. Of one such he remarked:

“I can live for two months on a good compliment,” he once said. Certain persistent correspondents, too focused on themselves to notice their lack of consideration or the pointlessness of their pursuit, followed him relentlessly. Of one such person, he remarked:

“That woman intends to pursue me to the grave. I wish something could be done to appease her.”

“That woman plans to follow me to the grave. I wish there was something that could be done to calm her down.”

And again:

And again:

“Everybody in the world who wants something—something of no interest to me—writes to me to get it.”

“Everyone in the world who wants something—something I don’t care about—emails me to ask for it.”

These morning sessions were likely to be of great interest. Once a letter spoke of the desirability of being an optimist. “That word perfectly disgusts me,” he said, and his features materialized the disgust, “just as that other word, pessimist, does; and the idea that one can, by any effort of will, be one or the other, any more than he can change the color of his hair. The reason why a man is a pessimist or an optimist is not because he wants to be, but because he was born so; and this man [a minister of the Gospel who was going to explain life to him] is going to tell me why he isn't a pessimist. Oh, he'll do it, but he won't tell the truth; he won't make it short enough.”

These morning sessions were probably going to be really interesting. Once, a letter talked about how great it is to be an optimist. “That word totally disgusts me,” he said, and his face showed his disgust, “just like that other word, pessimist, does; and the idea that someone can, through sheer willpower, be one or the other is as ridiculous as thinking he can change his hair color. The reason a person is a pessimist or an optimist isn’t because they choose to be, but because they’re born that way; and this guy [a minister who is supposed to explain life to him] is going to try to tell me why he isn’t a pessimist. Sure, he’ll do it, but he won’t be honest about it; he won’t keep it short enough.”

Yet he was always patient with any one who came with spiritual messages, theological arguments, and consolations. He might have said to them: “Oh, dear friends, those things of which you speak are the toys that long ago I played with and set aside.” He could have said it and spoken the truth; but I believe he did not even think it. He listened to any one for whom he had respect, and was grateful for any effort in his behalf. One morning he read aloud a lecture given in London by George Bernard Shaw on religion, commenting as he read. He said:

Yet he was always patient with anyone who came to share spiritual insights, theological debates, and reassurances. He might have said to them, “Oh, dear friends, those things you’re talking about are just the toys I played with and put aside a long time ago.” He could have said it and been honest; but I think he didn’t even consider it. He listened to anyone he respected and appreciated any effort made on his behalf. One morning he read aloud a lecture delivered in London by George Bernard Shaw on religion, providing commentary as he read. He said:

“This letter is a frank breath of expression [and his comments were equally frank]. There is no such thing as morality; it is not immoral for the tiger to eat the wolf, or the wolf the cat, or the cat the bird, and so on down; that is their business. There is always enough for each one to live on. It is not immoral for one nation to seize another nation by force of arms, or for one man to seize another man's property or life if he is strong enough and wants to take it. It is not immoral to create the human species—with or without ceremony; nature intended exactly these things.”

“This letter is a straightforward expression [and his comments were equally straightforward]. Morality doesn't really exist; it's not wrong for a tiger to eat a wolf, or for a wolf to eat a cat, or for a cat to eat a bird, and so on; that's just how it is. There’s always enough for everyone to survive. It’s not wrong for one country to take over another country by force, or for one person to take another person's property or life if they are strong enough and want it. It’s not wrong to create the human species—ceremony or not; nature intended exactly these things.”

At one place in the lecture Shaw had said: “No one of good sense can accept any creed to-day without reservation.”

At one point in the lecture, Shaw said: “No one with good sense can accept any belief today without reservations.”

“Certainly not,” commented Clemens; “the reservation is that he is a d—d fool to accept it at all.”

“Definitely not,” Clemens said; “the problem is that he’s an absolute fool for accepting it in the first place.”

He was in one of his somber moods that morning. I had received a print of a large picture of Thomas Nast—the last one taken. The face had a pathetic expression which told the tragedy of his last years. Clemens looked at the picture several moments without speaking. Then he broke out:

He was in one of his gloomy moods that morning. I had received a print of a large picture of Thomas Nast—the last one taken. The face had a sad expression that showed the tragedy of his final years. Clemens stared at the picture for several moments without saying a word. Then he finally spoke:

“Why can't a man die when he's had his tragedy? I ought to have died long ago.” And somewhat later: “Once Twichell heard me cussing the human race, and he said, 'Why, Mark, you are the last person in the world to do that—one selected and set apart as you are.' I said 'Joe, you don't know what you are talking about. I am not cussing altogether about my own little troubles. Any one can stand his own misfortunes; but when I read in the papers all about the rascalities and outrages going on I realize what a creature the human animal is. Don't you care more about the wretchedness of others than anything that happens to you?' Joe said he did, and shut up.”

“Why can't a man just die after experiencing his tragedy? I should have died a long time ago.” And a bit later: “Once Twichell heard me ranting about humanity, and he said, 'Why, Mark, you're the last person in the world who should be saying that—someone as unique and special as you.' I replied, 'Joe, you have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not just venting about my own little problems. Anyone can deal with their own misfortunes; but when I read the news about all the scams and outrages happening, I realize what a creature the human being is. Don't you care more about the suffering of others than about anything that happens to you?' Joe said he did, and stopped talking.”

It occurred to me to suggest that he should not read the daily papers. “No difference,” he said. “I read books printed two hundred years ago, and they hurt just the same.”

It occurred to me to suggest that he shouldn't read the daily newspapers. “No difference,” he said. “I read books printed two hundred years ago, and they hurt just the same.”

“Those people are all dead and gone,” I objected.

“Those people are all dead and gone,” I protested.

“They hurt just the same,” he maintained.

“They hurt just the same,” he insisted.

I sometimes thought of his inner consciousness as a pool darkened by his tragedies, its glassy surface, when calm, reflecting all the joy and sunlight and merriment of the world, but easily—so easily—troubled and stirred even to violence. Once following the dictation, when I came to the billiard-room he was shooting the balls about the table, apparently much depressed. He said:

I sometimes imagined his inner thoughts as a pool darkened by his tragedies, its smooth surface, when still, reflecting all the joy, sunshine, and fun of the world, but easily—so easily—disturbed and agitated even to the point of violence. One time after taking dictation, when I entered the billiard room, he was hitting the balls around the table, looking quite down. He said:

“I have been thinking it out—if I live two years more I will put an end to it all. I will kill myself.”

"I've been thinking it over—if I live two more years, I will end it all. I will take my own life."

“You have much to live for——”

“You have a lot to live for—”

“But I am so tired of the eternal round,” he interrupted; “so tired.” And I knew he meant that he was ill of the great loneliness that had come to him that day in Florence, and would never pass away.

“But I am so tired of the endless cycle,” he interrupted; “so tired.” And I realized he meant that he was sick of the deep loneliness that had hit him that day in Florence, and it would never go away.

I referred to the pressure of social demands in the city, and the relief he would find in his country home. He shook his head.

I talked about the stress of social obligations in the city and the comfort he would get from his country home. He shook his head.

“The country home I need,” he said, fiercely, “is a cemetery.”

“The country home I want,” he said, fiercely, “is a cemetery.”

Yet the mood changed quickly enough when the play began. He was gay and hilarious presently, full of the humors and complexities of the game. H. H. Rogers came in with a good deal of frequency, seldom making very long calls, but never seeming to have that air of being hurried which one might expect to find in a man whose day was only twenty-four hours long, and whose interests were so vast and innumerable. He would come in where we were playing, and sit down and watch the game, or perhaps would pick up a book and read, exchanging a remark now and then. More often, however, he sat in the bedroom, for his visits were likely to be in the morning. They were seldom business calls, or if they were, the business was quickly settled, and then followed gossip, humorous incident, or perhaps Clemens would read aloud something he had written. But once, after greetings, he began:

Yet the mood shifted quickly when the play started. He was cheerful and funny, full of the humor and complexities of the game. H. H. Rogers came by frequently, rarely making long visits, but never seeming rushed, which you might expect from a man with only twenty-four hours in a day and so many interests. He would drop in on us while we were playing, sit down and watch, or maybe pick up a book and read, tossing in a comment now and then. More often, though, he stayed in the bedroom, since his visits were usually in the morning. They were rarely business meetings, and if they were, the business got sorted out quickly, followed by gossip, funny stories, or perhaps Clemens reading something he had written out loud. But once, after exchanging greetings, he began:

“Well, Rogers, I don't know what you think of it, but I think I have had about enough of this world, and I wish I were out of it.”

“Well, Rogers, I don’t know what you think, but I’ve about had it with this world, and I wish I could escape it.”

Mr. Rogers replied, “I don't say much about it, but that expresses my view.”

Mr. Rogers replied, “I don’t say much about it, but that sums up my view.”

This from the foremost man of letters and one of the foremost financiers of the time was impressive. Each at the mountain-top of his career, they agreed that the journey was not worth while—that what the world had still to give was not attractive enough to tempt them to prevent a desire to experiment with the next stage. One could remember a thousand poor and obscure men who were perfectly willing to go on struggling and starving, postponing the day of settlement as long as possible; but perhaps, when one has had all the world has to give, when there are no new worlds in sight to conquer, one has a different feeling.

This, from the leading writer and one of the top investors of the time, was striking. Each at the peak of his career, they agreed that the journey wasn’t worth it—that what the world still had to offer wasn’t appealing enough to stop them from wanting to explore the next phase. One could think of a thousand poor and unknown people who were more than ready to keep struggling and suffering, putting off the day of reckoning for as long as possible; but maybe, when you’ve experienced everything the world has to offer, when there are no new worlds to conquer, you feel differently.

Well, the realization lay not so far ahead for either of them, though at that moment they both seemed full of life and vigor—full of youth. One could not imagine the day when for them it would all be over.

Well, the realization wasn't too far off for either of them, even though at that moment they both seemed full of life and energy—full of youth. It was hard to picture a day when it would all come to an end for them.





CCLI. A LOBBYING EXPEDITION

Clara Clemens came home now and then to see how matters were progressing, and very properly, for Clemens was likely to become involved in social intricacies which required a directing hand. The daughter inherited no little of the father's characteristics of thought and phrase, and it was always a delight to see them together when one could be just out of range of the crossfire. I remember soon after her return, when she was making some searching inquiries concerning the billiard-room sign, and other suggested or instituted reforms, he said:

Clara Clemens came home every now and then to check on how things were going, which was quite reasonable, since Clemens had a tendency to get caught up in social complexities that needed some guidance. The daughter shared many of her father's traits in thought and expression, and it was always a pleasure to see them together when you could be just out of the line of fire. I remember shortly after her return, when she was asking some probing questions about the billiard-room sign and other proposed changes, he said:

“Oh well, never mind, it doesn't matter. I'm boss in this house.”

“Oh well, whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm in charge in this house.”

She replied, quickly: “Oh no, you're not. You're merely owner. I'm the captain—the commander-in-chief.”

She responded quickly, “Oh no, you’re not. You’re just the owner. I’m the captain—the commander-in-chief.”

One night at dinner she mentioned the possibility of going abroad that year. During several previous summers she had planned to visit Vienna to see her old music-master, Leschetizky, once more before his death. She said:

One night at dinner, she brought up the idea of going abroad that year. In several past summers, she had intended to visit Vienna to see her old music teacher, Leschetizky, one last time before his death. She said:

“Leschetizky is getting so old. If I don't go soon I'm afraid I sha'n't be in time for his funeral.”

“Leschetizky is getting really old. If I don’t go soon, I’m afraid I won’t make it in time for his funeral.”

“Yes,” said her father, thoughtfully, “you keep rushing over to Leschetizky's funeral, and you'll miss mine.”

“Yes,” her father said, thinking for a moment, “if you keep rushing over to Leschetizky's funeral, you'll miss mine.”

He had made one or two social engagements without careful reflection, and the situation would require some delicacy of adjustment. During a moment between the courses, when he left the table and was taking his exercise in the farther room, she made some remark which suggested a doubt of her father's gift for social management. I said:

He had accepted a couple of social invitations without really thinking them through, and the situation needed a bit of finesse to handle it. During a break between courses, when he stepped away from the table to stretch his legs in the other room, she said something that implied she doubted her father's ability to navigate social situations. I said:

“Oh, well, he is a king, you know, and a king can do no wrong.”

“Oh, well, he’s a king, you know, and a king can do no wrong.”

“Yes, I know,” she answered. “The king can do no wrong; but he frightens me almost to death, sometimes, he comes so near it.”

“Yeah, I know,” she replied. “The king can do no wrong; but he scares me to death sometimes when he gets so close.”

He came back and began to comment rather critically on some recent performance of Roosevelt's, which had stirred up a good deal of newspaper amusement—it was the Storer matter and those indiscreet letters which Roosevelt had written relative to the ambassadorship which Storer so much desired. Miss Clemens was inclined to defend the President, and spoke with considerable enthusiasm concerning his elements of popularity, which had won him such extraordinary admiration.

He returned and started to criticize some recent actions of Roosevelt that had caused quite a bit of amusement in the newspapers—it was the Storer issue and those inappropriate letters Roosevelt had written about the ambassadorship that Storer wanted so badly. Miss Clemens was inclined to defend the President and spoke enthusiastically about the qualities that made him so popular and earned him such extraordinary admiration.

“Certainly he is popular,” Clemens admitted, “and with the best of reasons. If the twelve apostles should call at the White House, he would say, 'Come in, come in! I am delighted to see you. I've been watching your progress, and I admired it very much.' Then if Satan should come, he would slap him on the shoulder and say, 'Why, Satan, how do you do? I am so glad to meet you. I've read all your works and enjoyed every one of them.' Anybody could be popular with a gift like that.”

“Sure, he’s popular,” Clemens admitted, “and for good reason. If the twelve apostles showed up at the White House, he’d say, 'Come in, come in! I’m thrilled to see you. I’ve been following your progress, and I admire it a lot.' Then if Satan came along, he’d give him a friendly pat on the shoulder and say, 'Hey, Satan, how’s it going? I’m so glad to meet you. I’ve read all your work and enjoyed every single one.' Anyone could be popular with a talent like that.”

It was that evening or the next, perhaps, that he said to her:

It was that evening or maybe the next one when he said to her:

“Ben [one of his pet names for her], now that you are here to run the ranch, Paine and I are going to Washington on a vacation. You don't seem to admire our society much, anyhow.”

“Ben [one of his pet names for her], now that you're here to manage the ranch, Paine and I are heading to Washington for a vacation. You don’t really seem to like our company anyway.”

There were still other reasons for the Washington expedition. There was an important bill up for the extension of the book royalty period, and the forces of copyright were going down in a body to use every possible means to get the measure through.

There were still other reasons for the Washington trip. An important bill was on the table to extend the book royalty period, and the supporters of copyright were going all out to use every possible way to get the measure passed.

Clemens, during Cleveland's first administration, some nineteen years before, had accompanied such an expedition, and through S. S. (“Sunset”) Cox had obtained the “privileges of the floor” of the House, which had enabled him to canvass the members individually. Cox assured the doorkeeper that Clemens had received the thanks of Congress for national literary service, and was therefore entitled to that privilege. This was not strictly true; but regulations were not very severe in those days, and the ruse had been regarded as a good joke, which had yielded excellent results. Clemens had a similar scheme in mind now, and believed that his friendship with Speaker Cannon—“Uncle Joe”—would obtain for him a similar privilege. The Copyright Association working in its regular way was very well, he said, but he felt he could do more as an individual than by acting merely as a unit of that body.

Clemens, during Cleveland's first term about nineteen years ago, had gone on a similar expedition, and through S. S. (“Sunset”) Cox, he had gained “privileges of the floor” in the House, allowing him to talk to the members one-on-one. Cox convinced the doorkeeper that Clemens had received Congress's thanks for his contributions to national literature and was therefore entitled to that privilege. This wasn’t entirely accurate, but back then, the rules weren’t very strict, and the trick was seen as a good joke that produced great results. Clemens had a similar plan now, believing that his friendship with Speaker Cannon—“Uncle Joe”—would get him the same privilege. He said that while the Copyright Association was doing fine work, he felt he could be more effective as an individual than just as part of that group.

“I canvassed the entire House personally that other time,” he said. “Cox introduced me to the Democrats, and John D. Long, afterward Secretary of the Navy, introduced me to the Republicans. I had a darling time converting those members, and I'd like to try the experiment again.”

“I went around the whole House myself that other time,” he said. “Cox introduced me to the Democrats, and John D. Long, who became Secretary of the Navy later, introduced me to the Republicans. I really enjoyed persuading those members, and I’d love to give it another shot.”

I should have mentioned earlier, perhaps, that at this time he had begun to wear white clothing regularly, regardless of the weather and season. On the return from Dublin he had said:

I should have mentioned earlier, maybe, that at this time he had started wearing white clothing all the time, no matter the weather or season. On the way back from Dublin, he had said:

“I can't bear to put on black clothes again. I wish I could wear white all winter. I should prefer, of course, to wear colors, beautiful rainbow hues, such as the women have monopolized. Their clothing makes a great opera audience an enchanting spectacle, a delight to the eye and to the spirit—a garden of Eden for charm and color.

“I can't stand the thought of wearing black clothes again. I wish I could wear white all winter. Ideally, I'd want to wear colors, beautiful rainbow shades, like the women have claimed. Their outfits turn a huge opera audience into an enchanting scene, a treat for the eyes and the spirit—a paradise of charm and color.”

“The men, clothed in odious black, are scattered here and there over the garden like so many charred stumps. If we are going to be gay in spirit, why be clad in funeral garments? I should like to dress in a loose and flowing costume made all of silks and velvets resplendent with stunning dyes, and so would every man I have ever known; but none of us dares to venture it. If I should appear on Fifth Avenue on a Sunday morning clothed as I would like to be clothed the churches would all be vacant and the congregation would come tagging after me. They would scoff, of course, but they would envy me, too. When I put on black it reminds me of my funerals. I could be satisfied with white all the year round.”

“The men, dressed in horrible black, are scattered throughout the garden like burnt stumps. If we're going to be cheerful, why wear funeral clothes? I’d love to wear a loose and flowing outfit made entirely of silk and velvet in vibrant colors, and so would every man I’ve ever known; but none of us dares to do it. If I showed up on Fifth Avenue on a Sunday morning wearing what I really want to wear, all the churches would be empty and the congregations would follow me. They’d laugh, of course, but they’d be jealous too. When I put on black, it reminds me of funerals. I could be happy wearing white all year round.”

It was not long after this that he said:

It wasn't long after this that he said:

“I have made up my mind not to wear black any more, but white, and let the critics say what they will.”

“I’ve decided not to wear black anymore, but white, and let the critics say what they want.”

So his tailor was sent for, and six creamy flannel and serge suits were ordered, made with the short coats, which he preferred, with a gray suit or two for travel, and he did not wear black again, except for evening dress and on special occasions. It was a gratifying change, and though the newspapers made much of it, there was no one who was not gladdened by the beauty of his garments and their general harmony with his person. He had never worn anything so appropriate or so impressive.

So his tailor was called in, and six soft flannel and serge suits were ordered, featuring the short coats he liked, along with a couple of gray suits for travel. He didn't wear black anymore, except for formal events and special occasions. It was a satisfying change, and while the newspapers made a big deal out of it, everyone was pleased by how great his clothes looked and how well they matched him. He had never worn anything so fitting or so striking.

This departure of costume came along a week or two before the Washington trip, and when his bags were being packed for the excursion he was somewhat in doubt as to the propriety of bursting upon Washington in December in that snowy plumage. I ventured:

This change in outfit happened a week or two before the trip to Washington, and as they packed his bags for the journey, he felt a bit unsure about showing up in Washington in December wearing that snowy attire. I suggested:

“This is a lobbying expedition of a peculiar kind, and does not seem to invite any half-way measures. I should vote in favor of the white suit.”

“This is a unique kind of lobbying effort, and it doesn't seem to allow for any half-measures. I would vote for the white suit.”

I think Miss Clemens was for it, too. She must have been or the vote wouldn't have carried, though it was clear he strongly favored the idea. At all events, the white suits came along.

I think Miss Clemens was on board with it too. She had to be, or the vote wouldn't have passed, even though it was obvious he really supported the idea. In any case, the white suits showed up.

We were off the following afternoon: Howells, Robert Underwood Johnson, one of the Appletons, one of the Putnams, George Bowker, and others were on the train. On the trip down in the dining-car there was a discussion concerning the copyrighting of ideas, which finally resolved itself into the possibility of originating a new one. Clemens said:

We left the next afternoon: Howells, Robert Underwood Johnson, one of the Appletons, one of the Putnams, George Bowker, and a few others were on the train. During the ride down in the dining car, there was a discussion about the copyrighting of ideas, which eventually turned into the possibility of creating a new one. Clemens said:

“There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages.”

"There’s no such thing as a new idea. It’s impossible. We just take a bunch of old ideas and mix them up in our minds like a kaleidoscope. We give them a twist, and they create new and interesting combinations. We keep twisting and making new combinations endlessly, but they’re still the same old pieces of colored glass that have been around forever."

We put up at the Willard, and in the morning drove over to the Congressional Library, where the copyright hearing was in progress. There was a joint committee of the two Houses seated round a long table at work, and a number of spectators more or less interested in the bill, mainly, it would seem, men concerned with the protection of mechanical music-rolls. The fact that this feature was mixed up with literature was not viewed with favor by most of the writers. Clemens referred to the musical contingent as “those hand-organ men who ought to have a bill of their own.”

We stayed at the Willard, and in the morning, we drove over to the Congressional Library, where the copyright hearing was happening. There was a joint committee from both Houses seated around a long table working, along with a number of spectators who were more or less interested in the bill, mostly men involved in protecting mechanical music rolls. Most writers didn’t look favorably on the fact that this aspect was tied to literature. Clemens called the musical group “those organ-grinders who should have their own bill.”

I should mention that early that morning Clemens had written this letter to Speaker Cannon:

I should mention that early that morning, Clemens had written this letter to Speaker Cannon:

December 7, 1906.

December 7, 1906.

DEAR UNCLE JOSEPH,—Please get me the thanks of the Congress—not next week, but right away. It is very necessary. Do accomplish this for your affectionate old friend right away; by persuasion, if you can; by violence, if you must, for it is imperatively necessary that I get on the floor for two or three hours and talk to the members, man by man, in behalf of the support, encouragement, and protection of one of the nation's most valuable assets and industries—its literature. I have arguments with me, also a barrel with liquid in it.

DEAR UNCLE JOSEPH,—Please get me the thanks of Congress—not next week, but right now. It’s really important. Do this for your affectionate old friend as soon as you can; by persuasion, if you can; by force, if you must, because it’s absolutely necessary that I get on the floor for two or three hours and talk to the members, one by one, in support of one of the nation's most valuable assets and industries—its literature. I have arguments with me, and also a barrel with liquid in it.

Give me a chance. Get me the thanks of Congress. Don't wait for
others—there isn't time. I have stayed away and let Congress alone
for seventy-one years and I am entitled to thanks. Congress knows it
perfectly well, and I have long felt hurt that this quite proper and
earned expression of gratitude has been merely felt by the House and
never publicly uttered. Send me an order on the Sergeant-at-Arms quick.
When shall I come?              With love and a benediction;
                                   MARK TWAIN.
Give me a chance. Get me Congress's thanks. Don’t wait for others—there isn’t much time. I’ve stayed away and let Congress handle things for seventy-one years, and I deserve to be thanked. Congress knows this very well, and I’ve long felt upset that this completely appropriate and deserved acknowledgment has only been felt by the House and never publicly expressed. Send me an order to the Sergeant-at-Arms right away. When should I come?              With love and a blessing;  
                                   MARK TWAIN.

We went over to the Capitol now to deliver to “Uncle Joe” this characteristic letter. We had picked up Clemens's nephew, Samuel E. Moffett, at the Library, and he came along and led the way to the Speaker's room. Arriving there, Clemens laid off his dark overcoat and stood there, all in white, certainly a startling figure among those clerks, newspaper men, and incidental politicians. He had been noticed as he entered the Capitol, and a number of reporters had followed close behind. Within less than a minute word was being passed through the corridors that Mark Twain was at the Capitol in his white suit. The privileged ones began to gather, and a crowd assembled in the hall outside.

We headed over to the Capitol to deliver this unique letter to “Uncle Joe.” We had picked up Clemens’s nephew, Samuel E. Moffett, at the Library, and he came along and led the way to the Speaker’s room. When we got there, Clemens took off his dark overcoat and stood there all in white, definitely a striking sight among the clerks, reporters, and various politicians. People noticed him when he entered the Capitol, and a number of reporters quickly followed. Within a minute, word was spreading through the halls that Mark Twain was at the Capitol in his white suit. The important folks began to gather, and a crowd formed in the hall outside.

Speaker Cannon was not present at the moment; but a little later he “billowed” in—which seems to be the word to express it—he came with such a rush and tide of life. After greetings, Clemens produced the letter and read it to him solemnly, as if he were presenting a petition. Uncle Joe listened quite seriously, his head bowed a little, as if it were really a petition, as in fact it was. He smiled, but he said, quite seriously:

Speaker Cannon wasn't there at first, but soon he "billowed" in—which seems to be the best way to describe it—arriving with so much energy and life. After some hellos, Clemens took out the letter and read it to him with a serious tone, as if he were presenting a formal request. Uncle Joe listened intently, his head slightly lowered, as if it truly were a petition, which, in a way, it was. He smiled, but he responded very earnestly:

“That is a request that ought to be granted; but the time has gone by when I am permitted any such liberties. Tom Reed, when he was Speaker, inaugurated a strict precedent excluding all outsiders from the use of the floor of the House.”

“That is a request that should be granted; but the time is past when I’m allowed any such freedoms. Tom Reed, when he was Speaker, established a strict rule that kept all outsiders from using the House floor.”

“I got in the other time,” Clemens insisted.

“I got in last time,” Clemens insisted.

“Yes,” said Uncle Joe; “but that ain't now. Sunset Cox could let you in, but I can't. They'd hang me.” He reflected a moment, and added: “I'll tell you what I'll do: I've got a private room down-stairs that I never use. It's all fitted up with table and desk, stationery, chinaware, and cutlery; you could keep house there, if you wanted to. I'll let you have it as long as you want to stay here, and I'll give you my private servant, Neal, who's been here all his life and knows every official, every Senator and Representative, and they all know him. He'll bring you whatever you want, and you can send in messages by him. You can have the members brought down singly or in bunches, and convert them as much as you please. I'd give you a key to the room, only I haven't got one myself. I never can get in when I want to, but Neal can get in, and he'll unlock it for you. You can have the room, and you can have Neal. Now, will that do you?”

“Yes,” said Uncle Joe, “but not right now. Sunset Cox could let you in, but I can’t. They’d hang me for it.” He thought for a moment and added, “Here’s what I’ll do: I have a private room downstairs that I never use. It’s set up with a table and desk, stationery, dishes, and silverware; you could stay there if you wanted. I’ll let you have it for as long as you’re here, and I’ll give you my private servant, Neal, who has been here forever and knows every official, every Senator and Representative, and they all know him. He’ll bring you whatever you need, and you can send messages through him. You can have the members come down individually or in groups, and you can convert them as much as you want. I’d give you a key to the room, but I don’t have one myself. I can never get in when I want to, but Neal can get in, and he’ll unlock it for you. You can have the room, and you can have Neal. Now, will that work for you?”

Clemens said it would. It was, in fact, an offer without precedent. Probably never in the history of the country had a Speaker given up his private room to lobbyists. We went in to see the House open, and then went down with Neal and took possession of the room. The reporters had promptly seized upon the letter, and they now got hold of its author, led him to their own quarters, and, gathering around him, fired questions at him, and kept their note-books busy. He made a great figure, all in white there among them, and they didn't fail to realize the value of it as “copy.” He talked about copyright, and about his white clothes, and about a silk hat which Howells wore.

Clemens said it would. It was, in fact, an unprecedented offer. Probably never in the history of the country had a Speaker given up his private room to lobbyists. We went in to see the House open, and then went down with Neal and took over the room. The reporters had quickly latched onto the letter, and they now caught up with its author, leading him to their area, where they gathered around him, firing questions and keeping their notebooks busy. He stood out, all in white among them, and they definitely recognized the value of it as "copy." He talked about copyright, his white clothes, and a silk hat that Howells wore.

Back in the Speaker's room, at last, he began laying out the campaign, which would begin next day. By and by he said:

Back in the Speaker's room, he finally started outlining the campaign that would kick off the next day. After a while, he said:

“Look here! I believe I've got to speak over there in that committee-room to-day or to-morrow. I ought to know just when it is.”

“Hey! I think I need to speak in that committee room today or tomorrow. I should know exactly when it is.”

I had not heard of this before, and offered to go over and see about it, which I did at once. I hurried back faster than I had gone.

I hadn’t heard about this before, so I offered to check it out, which I did right away. I rushed back faster than I had left.

“Mr. Clemens, you are to speak in half an hour, and the room is crowded full; people waiting to hear you.”

“Mr. Clemens, you’re scheduled to speak in half an hour, and the room is packed; people are waiting to hear you.”

“The devil!” he said. “Well, all right; I'll just lie down here a few minutes and then we'll go over. Take paper and pencil and make a few headings.”

“The devil!” he said. “Okay, I’ll just lie down here for a few minutes and then we’ll head over. Grab some paper and a pencil and jot down a few headings.”

There was a couch in the room. He lay down while I sat at the table with a pencil, making headings now and then, as he suggested, and presently he rose and, shoving the notes into his pocket, was ready. It was half past three when we entered the committee-room, which was packed with people and rather dimly lighted, for it was gloomy outside. Herbert Putnam, the librarian, led us to seats among the literary group, and Clemens, removing his overcoat, stood in that dim room clad as in white armor. There was a perceptible stir. Howells, startled for a moment, whispered:

There was a couch in the room. He lay down while I sat at the table with a pencil, occasionally making headings as he suggested, and soon he got up, shoving the notes into his pocket, ready to go. It was half past three when we entered the committee room, which was crowded and somewhat dimly lit since it was gloomy outside. Herbert Putnam, the librarian, led us to seats among the literary group, and Clemens, removing his overcoat, stood in that dim room looking like he was wearing white armor. There was a noticeable stir. Howells, momentarily startled, whispered:

“What in the world did he wear that white suit for?” though in his heart he admired it as much as the others.

“What on earth was he wearing that white suit for?” though in his heart he admired it as much as the others.

I don't remember who was speaking when we came in, but he was saying nothing important. Whoever it was, he was followed by Dr. Edward Everett Hale, whose age always commanded respect, and whose words always invited interest. Then it was Mark Twain's turn. He did not stand by his chair, as the others had done, but walked over to the Speaker's table, and, turning, faced his audience. I have never seen a more impressive sight than that snow-white figure in that dim-lit, crowded room. He never touched his notes; he didn't even remember them. He began in that even, quiet, deliberate voice of his the most even, the most quiet, the most deliberate voice in the world—and, without a break or a hesitation for a word, he delivered a copyright argument, full of humor and serious reasoning, such a speech as no one in that room, I suppose, had ever heard. Certainly it was a fine and dramatic bit of impromptu pleading. The weary committee, which had been tortured all day with dull, statistical arguments made by the mechanical device fiends, and dreary platitudes unloaded by men whose chief ambition was to shine as copyright champions, suddenly realized that they were being rewarded for the long waiting. They began to brighten and freshen, and uplift and smile, like flowers that have been wilted by a drought when comes the refreshing shower that means renewed life and vigor. Every listener was as if standing on tiptoe. When the last sentence was spoken the applause came like an explosion.—[Howells in his book My Mark Twain speaks of Clemens's white clothing as “an inspiration which few men would have had the courage to act upon.” He adds: “The first time I saw him wear it was at the authors' hearing before the Congressional Committee on Copyright in Washington. Nothing could have been more dramatic than the gesture with which he flung off his long, loose overcoat and stood forth in white from his feet to the crown of his silvery head. It was a magnificent coup, and he dearly loved a coup; but the magnificent speech which he made, tearing to shreds the venerable farrago of nonsense about nonproperty in ideas which had formed the basis of all copyright legislation, made you forget even his spectacularity.”]

I don’t remember who was talking when we walked in, but he wasn’t saying anything important. Whoever it was, he was followed by Dr. Edward Everett Hale, whose age always commanded respect and whose words always piqued interest. Then it was Mark Twain’s turn. He didn’t stand by his chair like the others; instead, he walked over to the Speaker’s table, turned around, and faced the audience. I’ve never seen a more striking sight than that snow-white figure in that dimly lit, crowded room. He didn't touch his notes; he didn’t even remember them. He started speaking in that calm, steady, deliberate voice of his—the most calm, the most steady, the most deliberate voice in the world—and without pausing or hesitating for a word, he delivered a copyright argument filled with humor and serious reasoning, a speech unlike anything anyone in that room had probably ever heard. It was a beautifully dramatic piece of impromptu persuasion. The tired committee, worn out all day by dull statistical arguments from mechanical device enthusiasts and dreary clichés from men whose main goal was to shine as copyright champions, suddenly realized they were finally getting rewarded for their long wait. They began to brighten up and feel refreshed, uplifted and smiling, like flowers that had been wilted by drought before a refreshing rain that brings renewed life and energy. Every listener was on the edge of their seat. When he finished his last sentence, the applause erupted like an explosion.—[Howells in his book My Mark Twain talks about Clemens's white clothing as “an inspiration which few men would have had the courage to act upon.” He adds: “The first time I saw him wear it was at the authors' hearing before the Congressional Committee on Copyright in Washington. Nothing could have been more dramatic than the gesture with which he flung off his long, loose overcoat and stood forth in white from his feet to the crown of his silvery head. It was a magnificent move, and he dearly loved a grand gesture; but the magnificent speech he made, tearing to shreds the outdated nonsense about nonproperty in ideas that had formed the basis of all copyright legislation, made you forget even his showmanship.”]

There came a universal rush of men and women to get near enough for a word and to shake his hand. But he was anxious to get away. We drove to the Willard and talked and smoked, and got ready for dinner. He was elated, and said the occasion required full-dress. We started down at last, fronted and frocked like penguins.

There was a huge crowd of men and women trying to get close enough to say a word and shake his hand. But he wanted to escape. We went to the Willard, talked, smoked, and got ready for dinner. He was excited and said we needed to dress up for the occasion. Finally, we went downstairs, all dressed up like penguins.

I did not realize then the fullness of his love for theatrical effect. I supposed he would want to go down with as little ostentation as possible, so took him by the elevator which enters the dining-room without passing through the long corridor known as “Peacock Alley,” because of its being a favorite place for handsomely dressed fashionables of the national capital. When we reached the entrance of the dining-room he said:

I didn’t understand at the time just how much he loved the dramatic. I thought he would prefer to leave quietly, so I took him down the elevator that goes directly into the dining room without going through the long hallway called “Peacock Alley,” which is popular with well-dressed socialites from the capital. When we got to the entrance of the dining room, he said:

“Isn't there another entrance to this place?”

“Isn’t there another way into this place?”

I said there was, but that it was very conspicuous. We should have to go down the long corridor.

I said there was, but it was very noticeable. We would have to go down the long hallway.

“Oh, well,” he said, “I don't mind that. Let's go back and try it over.”

“Oh, well,” he said, “I don't care about that. Let's go back and try it again.”

So we went back up the elevator, walked to the other end of the hotel, and came down to the F Street entrance. There is a fine, stately flight of steps—a really royal stair—leading from this entrance down into “Peacock Alley.” To slowly descend that flight is an impressive thing to do. It is like descending the steps of a throne-room, or to some royal landing-place where Cleopatra's barge might lie. I confess that I was somewhat nervous at the awfulness of the occasion, but I reflected that I was powerfully protected; so side by side, both in full-dress, white ties, white-silk waistcoats, and all, we came down that regal flight.

So we took the elevator back up, walked to the other end of the hotel, and came down to the F Street entrance. There's a beautiful, grand set of stairs—a truly majestic stair—leading from this entrance down into “Peacock Alley.” Slowly going down those steps is quite an impressive experience. It feels like descending into a throne room or a royal spot where Cleopatra's barge might be docked. I have to admit I was a bit nervous about the gravity of the occasion, but I reminded myself that I was well-protected; so side by side, both in full formal wear, white ties, white silk waistcoats, and all, we made our way down that regal staircase.

Of course he was seized upon at once by a lot of feminine admirers, and the passage along the corridor was a perpetual gantlet. I realize now that this gave the dramatic finish to his day, and furnished him with proper appetite for his dinner. I did not again make the mistake of taking him around to the more secluded elevator. I aided and abetted him every evening in making that spectacular descent of the royal stairway, and in running that fair and frivolous gantlet the length of “Peacock Alley.” The dinner was a continuous reception. No sooner was he seated than this Congressman and that Senator came over to shake hands with Mark Twain. Governor Francis of Missouri also came. Eventually Howells drifted in, and Clemens reviewed the day, its humors and successes. Back in the rooms at last he summed up the progress thus far—smoked, laughed over “Uncle Joe's” surrender to the “copyright bandits,” and turned in for the night.

Of course, he was immediately surrounded by a bunch of female admirers, and walking down the corridor felt like running a gauntlet. Looking back, I realize that this added a dramatic touch to his day and gave him a solid appetite for dinner. I didn't make the mistake of taking him to the more private elevator again. Every evening, I supported him in making that grand descent down the royal staircase and in navigating that charming and lively gauntlet along “Peacock Alley.” Dinner felt like a constant reception. No sooner had he sat down than this Congressman and that Senator came over to shake hands with Mark Twain. Governor Francis of Missouri also stopped by. Eventually, Howells arrived, and Clemens recapped the day, its amusing moments and successes. Once back in the rooms, he summarized the progress so far—smoked, chuckled over “Uncle Joe's” giving in to the “copyright thieves,” and turned in for the night.

We were at the Capitol headquarters in Speaker Cannon's private room about eleven o'clock next morning. Clemens was not in the best humor because I had allowed him to oversleep. He was inclined to be discouraged at the prospect, and did not believe many of the members would come down to see him. He expressed a wish for some person of influence and wide acquaintance, and walked up and down, smoking gloomily. I slipped out and found the Speaker's colored body-guard, Neal, and suggested that Mr. Clemens was ready now to receive the members.

We were at the Capitol headquarters in Speaker Cannon's private room around eleven o'clock the next morning. Clemens wasn’t in the best mood because I had let him oversleep. He was feeling discouraged about the upcoming visit and didn’t think many of the members would come down to see him. He wished there was someone influential and well-connected around, and he paced back and forth, smoking gloomily. I stepped out and found the Speaker's African American bodyguard, Neal, and suggested that Mr. Clemens was now ready to receive the members.

That was enough. They began to arrive immediately. John Sharp Williams came first, then Boutell, from Illinois, Littlefield, of Maine, and after them a perfect procession, including all the leading lights—Dalzell, Champ Clark, McCall—one hundred and eighty or so in all during the next three or four hours.

That was enough. They started to show up right away. John Sharp Williams came first, then Boutell from Illinois, Littlefield from Maine, and after them a steady stream of all the key players—Dalzell, Champ Clark, McCall—about one hundred eighty total over the next three or four hours.

Neal announced each name at the door, and in turn I announced it to Clemens when the press was not too great. He had provided boxes of cigars, and the room was presently blue with smoke, Clemens in his white suit in the midst of it, surrounded by those darker figures—shaking hands, dealing out copyright gospel and anecdotes—happy and wonderfully excited. There were chairs, but usually there was only standing room. He was on his feet for several hours and talked continually; but when at last it was over, and Champ Clark, who I believe remained longest and was most enthusiastic in the movement, had bade him good-by, he declared that he was not a particle tired, and added:

Neal called out each name at the door, and I relayed it to Clemens when the crowd wasn’t too big. He had brought boxes of cigars, and the room quickly filled with smoke, with Clemens in his white suit at the center, surrounded by darker figures—shaking hands, sharing stories and anecdotes about copyright—happy and incredibly excited. There were chairs, but most of the time, people just stood. He was on his feet for several hours, talking non-stop; but when it finally wrapped up, and Champ Clark, who I think stayed the longest and was the most enthusiastic about the event, said goodbye to him, he claimed that he wasn’t tired at all, and added:

“I believe if our bill could be presented now it would pass.”

“I think if we could present our bill now, it would pass.”

He was highly elated, and pronounced everything a perfect success. Neal, who was largely responsible for the triumph, received a ten-dollar bill.

He was really happy and declared everything a complete success. Neal, who played a big role in the achievement, got a ten-dollar bill.

We drove to the hotel and dined that night with the Dodges, who had been neighbors at Riverdale. Later, the usual crowd of admirers gathered around him, among them I remember the minister from Costa Rica, the Italian minister, and others of the diplomatic service, most of whom he had known during his European residence. Some one told of traveling in India and China, and how a certain Hindu “god” who had exchanged autographs with Mark Twain during his sojourn there was familiar with only two other American names—George Washington and Chicago; while the King of Siam had read but three English books—the Bible, Bryce's American Commonwealth, and The Innocents Abroad.

We drove to the hotel and had dinner that night with the Dodges, who used to be our neighbors in Riverdale. Later, the usual group of admirers gathered around him, including the minister from Costa Rica, the Italian minister, and others from the diplomatic service, most of whom he had known during his time in Europe. Someone shared stories about traveling in India and China, mentioning how a certain Hindu "god" who had exchanged autographs with Mark Twain during his visit there only knew two other American names—George Washington and Chicago; meanwhile, the King of Siam had only read three English books—the Bible, Bryce's American Commonwealth, and The Innocents Abroad.

We were at Thomas Nelson Page's for dinner next evening—a wonderfully beautiful home, full of art treasures. A number of guests had been invited. Clemens naturally led the dinner-talk, which eventually drifted to reading. He told of Mrs. Clemens's embarrassment when Stepniak had visited them and talked books, and asked her what her husband thought of Balzac, Thackeray, and the others. She had been obliged to say that he had not read them.

We had dinner at Thomas Nelson Page's place the next evening—a stunning home filled with art treasures. Several guests were invited. Clemens naturally took the lead in the dinner conversation, which eventually turned to reading. He shared a story about Mrs. Clemens's embarrassment when Stepniak visited them and discussed books, asking her what her husband thought of Balzac, Thackeray, and others. She had to admit that he hadn't read them.

“'How interesting!' said Stepniak. But it wasn't interesting to Mrs. Clemens. It was torture.”

“'How interesting!' said Stepniak. But it wasn't interesting to Mrs. Clemens. It was torture.”

He was light-spirited and gay; but recalling Mrs. Clemens saddened him, perhaps, for he was silent as we drove to the hotel, and after he was in bed he said, with a weary despair which even the words do not convey:

He was cheerful and lively; yet thinking about Mrs. Clemens brought him down, maybe, because he was quiet as we drove to the hotel, and once he was in bed, he said, with a tired sense of hopelessness that words can’t capture:

“If I had been there a minute earlier, it is possible—it is possible that she might have died in my arms. Sometimes I think that perhaps there was an instant—a single instant—when she realized that she was dying and that I was not there.”

“If I had been there a minute earlier, it’s possible—it's possible that she might have died in my arms. Sometimes I think that maybe there was a moment—a single moment—when she realized she was dying and that I wasn’t there.”

In New York I had once brought him a print of the superb “Adams Memorial,” by Saint-Gaudens—the bronze woman who sits in the still court in the Rock Creek Cemetery at Washington.

In New York, I had once given him a print of the stunning “Adams Memorial” by Saint-Gaudens—the bronze woman who sits in the quiet courtyard of the Rock Creek Cemetery in Washington.

On the morning following the Page dinner at breakfast, he said:

On the morning after the Page dinner, at breakfast, he said:

“Engage a carriage and we will drive out and see the Saint-Gaudens bronze.”

“Get a carriage, and we’ll head out to see the Saint-Gaudens bronze.”

It was a bleak, dull December day, and as we walked down through the avenues of the dead there was a presence of realized sorrow that seemed exactly suited to such a visit. We entered the little inclosure of cedars where sits the dark figure which is art's supreme expression of the great human mystery of life and death. Instinctively we removed our hats, and neither spoke until after we had come away. Then:

It was a gloomy, dreary December day, and as we walked through the avenues of the dead, there was a sense of deep sorrow that felt just right for such a visit. We entered the small grove of cedars where the dark figure stands as the ultimate expression of the great human mystery of life and death. We instinctively took off our hats, and we didn't say anything until after we had left. Then:

“What does he call it?” he asked.

"What does he call it?" he asked.

I did not know, though I had heard applied to it that great line of Shakespeare's—“the rest is silence.”

I didn’t know, even though I had heard that famous line from Shakespeare—“the rest is silence.”

“But that figure is not silent,” he said.

“But that figure isn’t silent,” he said.

And later, as we were driving home:

And later, while we were driving home:

“It is in deep meditation on sorrowful things.”

“It is in deep reflection on sad things.”

When we returned to New York he had the little print framed, and kept it always on his mantelpiece.

When we got back to New York, he had the small print framed and always kept it on his mantelpiece.





CCLII. THEOLOGY AND EVOLUTION

From the Washington trip dates a period of still closer association with Mark Twain. On the way to New York he suggested that I take up residence in his house—a privilege which I had no wish to refuse. There was room going to waste, he said, and it would be handier for the early and late billiard sessions. So, after that, most of the days and nights I was there.

From the trip to Washington, I started a period of even closer connection with Mark Twain. On the way to New York, he proposed that I move into his house—a favor I didn’t want to decline. He mentioned that there was extra space available, and it would be more convenient for our early and late billiard games. So, after that, I spent most of my days and nights there.

Looking back on that time now, I see pretty vividly three quite distinct pictures. One of them, the rich, red interior of the billiard-room with the brilliant, green square in the center, on which the gay balls are rolling, and bending over it that luminous white figure in the instant of play. Then there is the long, lighted drawing-room with the same figure stretched on a couch in the corner, drowsily smoking, while the rich organ tones fill the place summoning for him scenes and faces which others do not see. This was the hour between dinner and billiards—the hour which he found most restful of the day. Sometimes he rose, walking the length of the parlors, his step timed to the music and his thought. Of medium height, he gave the impression of being tall-his head thrown up, and like a lion's, rather large for his body. But oftener he lay among the cushions, the light flooding his white hair and dress and heightening his brilliant coloring.

Looking back on that time now, I can clearly picture three very distinct scenes. One of them is the rich, red interior of the billiard room with the bright green table in the center, where the colorful balls are rolling, and over it bends a glowing white figure in the middle of a game. Then there's the long, lit drawing room with the same figure sprawled on a couch in the corner, lazily smoking while the deep organ tones fill the space, bringing to him scenes and faces that others can’t see. This was the hour between dinner and billiards—the hour he found most relaxing of the day. Sometimes, he would get up and walk the length of the rooms, his steps in sync with the music and his thoughts. Of medium height, he gave the impression of being tall—his head held high, resembling a lion, and a bit larger for his body. But more often, he lay among the cushions, the light pouring over his white hair and outfit, enhancing his vibrant coloring.

The third picture is that of the dinner-table—always beautifully laid, and always a shrine of wisdom when he was there. He did not always talk; but it was his habit to do so, and memory holds the clearer vision of him when, with eyes and face alive with interest, he presented some new angle of thought in fresh picturesqueness of speech. These are the pictures that have remained to me out of the days spent under his roof, and they will not fade while memory lasts.

The third picture is of the dinner table—always beautifully set and always a place of wisdom when he was there. He didn’t always talk, but he usually did, and I remember him clearly when, with his eyes and face full of interest, he shared a new perspective in vivid language. These are the memories that have stayed with me from the days spent under his roof, and they won’t fade as long as I remember.

Of Mark Twain's table philosophies it seems proper to make rather extended record. They were usually unpremeditated, and they presented the man as he was, and thought. I preserved as much of them as I could, and have verified phrase and idea, when possible, from his own notes and other unprinted writings.

Of Mark Twain's views on life, it seems appropriate to keep a detailed record. They were often spontaneous and showed him as he truly was and thought. I保存ed as much of them as I could and have verified words and ideas whenever possible from his own notes and other unpublished writings.

This dinner-table talk naturally varied in character from that of the billiard-room. The latter was likely to be anecdotal and personal; the former was more often philosophical and commentative, ranging through a great variety of subjects scientific, political, sociological, and religious. His talk was often of infinity—the forces of creation—and it was likely to be satire of the orthodox conceptions, intermingled with heresies of his own devising.

This dinner-table conversation was naturally different from the one in the billiard room. The latter tended to be filled with stories and personal experiences; the former usually leaned towards philosophical discussion and commentary, covering a wide range of topics including science, politics, sociology, and religion. He often talked about infinity—the forces of creation—and his discussions frequently included satire of traditional beliefs, mixed with his own unique ideas.

Once, after a period of general silence, he said:

Once, after a stretch of quiet, he said:

“No one who thinks can imagine the universe made by chance. It is too nicely assembled and regulated. There is, of course, a great Master Mind, but it cares nothing for our happiness or our unhappiness.”

“No one who thinks can believe the universe was created by chance. It is too perfectly put together and balanced. There is definitely a great Master Mind behind it, but it doesn’t care about our happiness or our unhappiness.”

It was objected, by one of those present, that as the Infinite Mind suggested perfect harmony, sorrow and suffering were defects which that Mind must feel and eventually regulate.

It was pointed out by someone there that since the Infinite Mind implied perfect harmony, sorrow and suffering were flaws that this Mind must experience and ultimately manage.

“Yes,” he said, “not a sparrow falls but He is noticing, if that is what you mean; but the human conception of it is that God is sitting up nights worrying over the individuals of this infinitesimal race.”

“Yes,” he said, “not a sparrow falls without Him noticing, if that’s what you mean; but people think of God as staying up at night worrying about each individual in this tiny race.”

Then he recalled a fancy which I have since found among his memoranda. In this note he had written:

Then he remembered a thought that I later discovered in his notes. In this note, he had written:

    The suns & planets that form the constellations of a billion billion
    solar systems & go pouring, a tossing flood of shining globes,
    through the viewless arteries of space are the blood-corpuscles in
    the veins of God; & the nations are the microbes that swarm and
    wiggle & brag in each, & think God can tell them apart at that
    distance & has nothing better to do than try. This—the
    entertainment of an eternity. Who so poor in his ambitions as to
    consent to be God on those terms? Blasphemy? No, it is not
    blasphemy. If God is as vast as that, He is above blasphemy; if He
    is as little as that, He is beneath it.
    The suns and planets that make up the constellations of countless solar systems are like a massive flow of shining spheres, moving through the unseen pathways of space, like blood cells in the veins of God; and the nations are the tiny organisms that swarm and wriggle and boast within each one, believing God can tell them apart from such a distance and has nothing better to do than to try. This is the entertainment of eternity. Who would be so lacking in ambition as to agree to be God under those circumstances? Blasphemy? No, it isn’t blasphemy. If God is as immense as that, He is beyond blasphemy; if He is as small as that, He is beneath it.

“The Bible,” he said, “reveals the character of its God with minute exactness. It is a portrait of a man, if one can imagine a man with evil impulses far beyond the human limit. In the Old Testament He is pictured as unjust, ungenerous, pitiless, and revengeful, punishing innocent children for the misdeeds of their parents; punishing unoffending people for the sins of their rulers, even descending to bloody vengeance upon harmless calves and sheep as punishment for puny trespasses committed by their proprietors. It is the most damnatory biography that ever found its way into print. Its beginning is merely childish. Adam is forbidden to eat the fruit of a certain tree, and gravely informed that if he disobeys he shall die. How could that impress Adam? He could have no idea of what death meant. He had never seen a dead thing. He had never heard of one. If he had been told that if he ate the apples he would be turned into a meridian of longitude that threat would have meant just as much as the other one. The watery intellect that invented that notion could be depended on to go on and decree that all of Adam's descendants down to the latest day should be punished for that nursery trespass in the beginning.

“The Bible,” he said, “clearly shows the character of its God with great detail. It’s like a portrait of a man, if you can picture a man with evil impulses far beyond what humans are capable of. In the Old Testament, He is portrayed as unjust, unkind, ruthless, and spiteful, punishing innocent children for their parents' wrongs; punishing harmless people for the sins of their leaders, even going so far as to inflict bloody retribution on innocent calves and sheep for trivial mistakes made by their owners. It is the most damning biography ever published. Its beginning is simply childish. Adam is told not to eat the fruit from a particular tree, and he is sternly warned that if he disobeys, he will die. How could that possibly resonate with Adam? He had no concept of what death meant. He had never seen anything dead. He had never even heard of it. If someone had told him that eating the fruit would turn him into a line of longitude, that threat would have made just as much sense as the other one. The simplistic mind that came up with that idea could be counted on to decide that all of Adam's descendants, right down to the present day, would be punished for that childish mistake from the start.”

“There is a curious poverty of invention in Bibles. Most of the great races each have one, and they all show this striking defect. Each pretends to originality, without possessing any. Each of them borrows from the other, confiscates old stage properties, puts them forth as fresh and new inspirations from on high. We borrowed the Golden Rule from Confucius, after it had seen service for centuries, and copyrighted it without a blush. We went back to Babylon for the Deluge, and are as proud of it and as satisfied with it as if it had been worth the trouble; whereas we know now that Noah's flood never happened, and couldn't have happened—not in that way. The flood is a favorite with Bible-makers. Another favorite with the founders of religions is the Immaculate Conception. It had been worn threadbare; but we adopted it as a new idea. It was old in Egypt several thousand years before Christ was born. The Hindus prized it ages ago. The Egyptians adopted it even for some of their kings. The Romans borrowed the idea from Greece. We got it straight from heaven by way of Rome. We are still charmed with it.”

“There’s a strange lack of originality in the Bibles. Most major cultures have one, and they all share this noticeable flaw. Each claims to be unique without really being so. They all take from one another, repurpose old motifs, and present them as fresh and new ideas from above. We took the Golden Rule from Confucius, after it had been around for centuries, and acted like we created it without any shame. We traced the story of the Deluge back to Babylon and feel just as proud of it as if it were genuinely original; yet we now know that Noah's flood never occurred, and couldn’t have happened—not like that. The flood is a favorite among those who write Bibles. Another popular concept among those who start religions is the Immaculate Conception. It had been overused, but we embraced it as if it were a new idea. It was already ancient in Egypt thousands of years before Christ was born. The Hindus valued it long ago. The Egyptians even applied it to some of their kings. The Romans borrowed it from Greece. We received it directly from heaven through Rome. We’re still fascinated by it.”

He would continue in this strain, rising occasionally and walking about the room. Once, considering the character of God—the Bible God-he said:

He kept going like this, getting up now and then to pace around the room. At one point, while thinking about the nature of God—the God of the Bible—he said:

“We haven't been satisfied with God's character as it is given in the Old Testament; we have amended it. We have called Him a God of mercy and love and morals. He didn't have a single one of those qualities in the beginning. He didn't hesitate to send the plagues on Egypt, the most fiendish punishments that could be devised—not for the king, but for his innocent subjects, the women and the little children, and then only to exhibit His power just to show off—and He kept hardening Pharaoh's heart so that He could send some further ingenuity of torture, new rivers of blood, and swarms of vermin and new pestilences, merely to exhibit samples of His workmanship. Now and then, during the forty years' wandering, Moses persuaded Him to be a little more lenient with the Israelites, which would show that Moses was the better character of the two. That Old Testament God never had an inspiration of His own.”

“We haven't been satisfied with God's character as it's presented in the Old Testament; we've changed it. We've called Him a God of mercy, love, and morals. He didn't have any of those qualities at the start. He didn’t hesitate to unleash plagues on Egypt, the most brutal punishments imaginable—not for the king, but for his innocent subjects, the women and children, just to showcase His power—and He kept hardening Pharaoh's heart so He could send even more torturous innovations, new rivers of blood, swarms of pests, and fresh diseases, simply to display His creations. Now and then, during the forty years of wandering, Moses managed to get Him to be a bit more lenient with the Israelites, which shows that Moses had the better character of the two. That Old Testament God never had any inspiration of His own.”

He referred to the larger conception of God, that Infinite Mind which had projected the universe. He said:

He talked about the bigger idea of God, that Infinite Mind that created the universe. He said:

“In some details that Old Bible God is probably a more correct picture than our conception of that Incomparable One that created the universe and flung upon its horizonless ocean of space those giant suns, whose signal-lights are so remote that we only catch their flash when it has been a myriad of years on its way. For that Supreme One is not a God of pity or mercy—not as we recognize these qualities. Think of a God of mercy who would create the typhus germ, or the house-fly, or the centipede, or the rattlesnake, yet these are all His handiwork. They are a part of the Infinite plan. The minister is careful to explain that all these tribulations are sent for a good purpose; but he hires a doctor to destroy the fever germ, and he kills the rattlesnake when he doesn't run from it, and he sets paper with molasses on it for the house-fly.

“In some ways, the Old Bible God is probably a more accurate representation than our idea of that Incomparable One who created the universe and cast those giant suns into the endless ocean of space, whose light we only see long after it has traveled for countless years. That Supreme Being is not a God of pity or mercy—not in the way we think of those traits. Consider a God of mercy who would create the typhus germ, or the housefly, or the centipede, or the rattlesnake; yet, these are all part of His creation. They are all part of the Infinite plan. The minister carefully explains that all these hardships serve a greater purpose; yet he hires a doctor to eradicate the fever germ, and he kills the rattlesnake if he doesn't run away from it, and he sets out paper with molasses for the housefly.”

“Two things are quite certain: one is that God, the limitless God, manufactured those things, for no man could have done it. The man has never lived who could create even the humblest of God's creatures. The other conclusion is that God has no special consideration for man's welfare or comfort, or He wouldn't have created those things to disturb and destroy him. The human conception of pity and morality must be entirely unknown to that Infinite God, as much unknown as the conceptions of a microbe to man, or at least as little regarded.

“Two things are pretty clear: first, God, the limitless God, made those things because no human could have done it. No one has ever lived who could create even the simplest of God’s creatures. The second conclusion is that God doesn’t have any special regard for human comfort or well-being, or He wouldn’t have created things that disturb and destroy us. The human ideas of pity and morality must be completely foreign to that Infinite God, as foreign as a microbe's understanding is to a person, or at least as little taken into account.”

“If God ever contemplates those qualities in man He probably admires them, as we always admire the thing which we do not possess ourselves; probably a little grain of pity in a man or a little atom of mercy would look as big to Him as a constellation. He could create a constellation with a thought; but He has been all the measureless ages, and He has never acquired those qualities that we have named—pity and mercy and morality. He goes on destroying a whole island of people with an earthquake, or a whole cityful with a plague, when we punish a man in the electric chair for merely killing the poorest of our race. The human being needs to revise his ideas again about God. Most of the scientists have done it already; but most of them don't dare to say so.”

“If God ever thinks about the qualities in humans, He probably admires them, just like we admire things we don’t have ourselves; a small bit of pity or a touch of mercy in a person might seem enormous to Him, like a constellation. He can create a constellation with just a thought, yet throughout all time, He hasn’t developed those qualities we call pity, mercy, and morality. He can destroy an entire island with an earthquake or a whole city with a plague, while we put a man in the electric chair for simply killing the most disadvantaged among us. Humanity needs to rethink its ideas about God. Most scientists have already done this, but many are afraid to speak up.”

He pointed out that the moral idea was undergoing constant change; that what was considered justifiable in an earlier day was regarded as highly immoral now. He pointed out that even the Decalogue made no reference to lying, except in the matter of bearing false witness against a neighbor. Also, that there was a commandment against covetousness, though covetousness to-day was the basis of all commerce: The general conclusion being that the morals of the Lord had been the morals of the beginning; the morals of the first-created man, the morals of the troglodyte, the morals of necessity; and that the morals of mankind had kept pace with necessity, whereas those of the Lord had remained unchanged. It is hardly necessary to say that no one ever undertook to contradict any statements of this sort from him. In the first place, there was no desire to do so; and in the second place, any one attempting it would have cut a puny figure with his less substantial arguments and his less vigorous phrase. It was the part of wisdom and immeasurably the part of happiness to be silent and listen.

He pointed out that our moral views are always changing; what was seen as acceptable in the past is now viewed as very immoral. He noted that even the Ten Commandments don’t mention lying, except when it comes to giving false testimony against someone. He also mentioned that while there’s a commandment against greed, today, greed is the foundation of all business. The overall conclusion was that the morals presented by the Lord were the morals from the beginning; the morals of the first human, the basics of survival, and that human morals have evolved with necessity, while those of the Lord have stayed the same. It’s important to note that no one ever tried to challenge his statements. First, there was no wish to do so, and second, anyone who attempted it would have looked weak with their less compelling arguments and weaker words. It was wise, and undoubtedly the path to happiness, to stay quiet and listen.

On another evening he began:

One evening he started:

“The mental evolution of the species proceeds apparently by regular progress side by side with the physical development until it comes to man, then there is a long, unexplained gulf. Somewhere man acquired an asset which sets him immeasurably apart from the other animals—his imagination. Out of it he created for himself a conscience, and clothes, and immodesty, and a hereafter, and a soul. I wonder where he got that asset. It almost makes one agree with Alfred Russel Wallace that the world and the universe were created just for his benefit, that he is the chief love and delight of God. Wallace says that the whole universe was made to take care of and to keep steady this little floating mote in the center of it, which we call the world. It looks like a good deal of trouble for such a small result; but it's dangerous to dispute with a learned astronomer like Wallace. Still, I don't think we ought to decide too soon about it—not until the returns are all in. There is the geological evidence, for instance. Even after the universe was created, it took a long time to prepare the world for man. Some of the scientists, ciphering out the evidence furnished by geology, have arrived at the conviction that the world is prodigiously old. Lord Kelvin doesn't agree with them. He says that it isn't more than a hundred million years old, and he thinks the human race has inhabited it about thirty thousand years of that time. Even so, it was 99,970,000 years getting ready, impatient as the Creator doubtless was to see man and admire him. That was because God first had to make the oyster. You can't make an oyster out of nothing, nor you can't do it in a day. You've got to start with a vast variety of invertebrates, belemnites, trilobites, jebusites, amalekites, and that sort of fry, and put them into soak in a primary sea and observe and wait what will happen. Some of them will turn out a disappointment; the belemnites and the amalekites and such will be failures, and they will die out and become extinct in the course of the nineteen million years covered by the experiment; but all is not lost, for the amalekites will develop gradually into encrinites and stalactites and blatherskites, and one thing and another, as the mighty ages creep on and the periods pile their lofty crags in the primordial seas, and at last the first grand stage in the preparation of the world for man stands completed; the oyster is done. Now an oyster has hardly any more reasoning power than a man has, so it is probable this one jumped to the conclusion that the nineteen million years was a preparation for him. That would be just like an oyster, and, anyway, this one could not know at that early date that he was only an incident in a scheme, and that there was some more to the scheme yet.

The mental evolution of the species seems to progress steadily alongside physical development until it reaches humans, creating a significant, unexplained gap. At some point, humans gained a distinct advantage that sets them apart from other animals—imagination. From this, they created a conscience, clothing, modesty, an afterlife, and a soul. I wonder where this advantage came from. It almost makes one agree with Alfred Russel Wallace that the world and the universe were made just for human benefit, that humans are the primary love and delight of God. Wallace argued that the entire universe was designed to support and maintain this tiny speck at its center, which we call Earth. That seems like a lot of effort for such a small outcome; but it's risky to argue with a knowledgeable astronomer like Wallace. Still, I think we shouldn't rush to conclusions—not until we have all the evidence. There’s geological evidence to consider as well. Even after the universe was created, it took a long time to prepare the Earth for humanity. Some scientists, analyzing geological evidence, have concluded that the Earth is incredibly old. Lord Kelvin disagrees and claims it’s no more than a hundred million years old, suggesting that humans have lived on it for about thirty thousand years. Even so, it took 99,970,000 years to get ready, no matter how eager the Creator must have been to see and admire humans. This preparation started with making the oyster. You can’t create an oyster from nothing, nor can it happen overnight. You need to begin with a wide array of invertebrates, such as belemnites, trilobites, jebusites, amalekites, and similar types, and immerse them in a primordial sea, observing and waiting to see what unfolds. Some will end up being disappointments; the belemnites and amalekites and others will ultimately fail, dying out and becoming extinct over the course of nineteen million years of experimentation. But not everything will be lost, as the amalekites will eventually evolve into encrinites and stalactites and a variety of other forms, as the immense ages go by and the periods build their towering formations in the ancient seas, until finally the initial grand phase of preparing the world for humans is complete; the oyster is finished. Now, an oyster has hardly any more reasoning ability than a human, so it’s likely this one assumed that the nineteen million years were meant for it. That would be just like an oyster, and anyway, it couldn’t possibly know at that early stage that it was just a small part of a larger plan, and that there was more to the plan yet to unfold.

“The oyster being finished, the next step in the preparation of the world for man was fish. So the old Silurian seas were opened up to breed the fish in. It took twenty million years to make the fish and to fossilize him so we'd have the evidence later.

“The oyster being finished, the next step in preparing the world for humans was fish. So the old Silurian seas were opened up to breed fish in. It took twenty million years to create the fish and to fossilize them so we’d have the evidence later.

“Then, the Paleozoic limit having been reached, it was necessary to start a new age to make the reptiles. Man would have to have some reptiles—not to eat, but to develop himself from. Thirty million years were required for the reptiles, and out of such material as was left were made those stupendous saurians that used to prowl about the steamy world in remote ages, with their snaky heads forty feet in the air and their sixty feet of body and tail racing and thrashing after them. They are all gone now, every one of them; just a few fossil remnants of them left on this far-flung fringe of time.

“Once the Paleozoic era was over, a new age had to begin to create the reptiles. Humans would need some reptiles—not for food, but for their own development. It took thirty million years for the reptiles to evolve, and from what remained emerged those massive dinosaurs that roamed the humid world in ancient times, with their elongated necks towering forty feet in the air and their bodies and tails stretching sixty feet behind them. They’re all gone now, every single one; only a few fossil remains are left on this distant edge of time.”

“It took all those years to get one of those creatures properly constructed to proceed to the next step. Then came the pterodactyl, who thought all that preparation all those millions of years had been intended to produce him, for there wasn't anything too foolish for a pterodactyl to imagine. I suppose he did attract a good deal of attention, for even the least observant could see that there was the making of a bird in him, also the making of a mammal, in the course of time. You can't say too much for the picturesqueness of the pterodactyl—he was the triumph of his period. He wore wings and had teeth, and was a starchy-looking creature. But the progression went right along.

“It took all those years to create one of those creatures so we could move on to the next step. Then came the pterodactyl, who believed all that preparation over those millions of years was meant to produce him, because there was nothing too ridiculous for a pterodactyl to think. I guess he did get a lot of attention, since even the least observant could see that he was part bird and, eventually, part mammal. You can't say enough about how striking the pterodactyl was—he was the highlight of his time. He had wings and teeth and looked quite impressive. But the development kept going on.

“During the next thirty million years the bird arrived, and the kangaroo, and by and by the mastodon, and the giant sloth, and the Irish elk, and the old Silurian ass, and some people thought that man was about due. But that was a mistake, for the next thing they knew there came a great ice-sheet, and those creatures all escaped across the Bering Strait and wandered around in Asia and died, all except a few to carry on the preparation with. There were six of those glacial periods, with two million years or so between each. They chased those poor orphans up and down the earth, from weather to weather, from tropic temperature to fifty degrees below. They never knew what kind of weather was going to turn up next, and if they settled any place the whole continent suddenly sank from under them, and they had to make a scramble for dry land. Sometimes a volcano would turn itself loose just as they got located. They led that uncertain, strenuous existence for about twenty-five million years, always wondering what was going to happen next, never suspecting that it was just a preparation for man, who had to be done just so or there wouldn't be any proper or harmonious place for him when he arrived, and then at last the monkey came, and everybody could see at a glance that man wasn't far off now, and that was true enough. The monkey went on developing for close upon five million years, and then he turned into a man—to all appearances.

“Over the next thirty million years, birds appeared, followed by kangaroos, and eventually mastodons, giant sloths, Irish elk, and the ancient Silurian donkey. Some people thought humans were next, but that was a mistake. Suddenly, a massive ice sheet came along, and those creatures crossed the Bering Strait, wandering through Asia until they all died off, except for a few that continued to adapt. There were six of these ice ages, each lasting around two million years. They drove those poor creatures around the planet, from one extreme weather to another, from tropical heat to fifty degrees below zero. They never knew what kind of weather would hit next, and whenever they settled somewhere, the continent would suddenly sink beneath them, forcing them to scramble for dry land. Sometimes a volcano would erupt just as they got comfortable. They lived this uncertain, challenging life for about twenty-five million years, always wondering what would happen next, never realizing it was all just preparation for humans. Humans had to be developed just right, or there wouldn't be a suitable place for them when they finally arrived. Then, at last, the monkeys appeared, and everyone could see that humans weren't far off, and indeed, they were right. The monkeys continued to evolve for nearly five million years, and then they became humans—at least on the surface.”

“It does look like a lot of fuss and trouble to go through to build anything, especially a human being, and nowhere along the way is there any evidence of where he picked up that final asset—his imagination. It makes him different from the others—not any better, but certainly different. Those earlier animals didn't have it, and the monkey hasn't it or he wouldn't be so cheerful.”

“It seems like a lot of hassle and effort to create anything, especially a human being, and there’s no indication of where he got that final trait—his imagination. It sets him apart from the rest—not necessarily better, but definitely different. The earlier animals didn’t have it, and the monkey doesn’t have it either, or he wouldn’t be so happy.”

    [Paine records Twain's thoughts in that magnificent essay: “Was the
    World Made for Man” published long after his death in the group of
    essays under the title “Letters from the Earth.” There are minor
    additions in the published version: “coal to fry the fish”; and
    the remnants of life being chased from pole to pole “without a dry
    rag on them,”; and the “coat of paint” on top of the bulb on top
    the Eiffel Tower representing “man's portion of this world's
    history.”  Ed.]
    [Paine records Twain's thoughts in that amazing essay: “Was the World Made for Man” published long after his death in the collection of essays titled “Letters from the Earth.” There are some minor additions in the published version: “coal to fry the fish”; and the remnants of life being chased from pole to pole “without a dry rag on them”; and the “coat of paint” on top of the bulb at the Eiffel Tower representing “man's share of this world's history.” Ed.]

He often held forth on the shortcomings of the human race—always a favorite subject—the incompetencies and imperfections of this final creation, in spite of, or because of, his great attribute—the imagination. Once (this was in the billiard-room) I started him by saying that whatever the conditions in other planets, there seemed no reason why life should not develop in each, adapted as perfectly to prevailing conditions as man is suited to conditions here. He said:

He often talked about the flaws of humanity—always a favorite topic—highlighting the incompetence and imperfections of this ultimate creation, despite, or maybe because of, his greatest trait—the imagination. Once (this was in the billiard room), I sparked his interest by saying that no matter what the conditions are on other planets, there seemed to be no reason why life couldn't evolve on each one, perfectly adapted to the conditions there just like humans are suited to our world. He responded:

“Is it your idea, then, that man is perfectly adapted to the conditions of this planet?”

“Are you saying that humans are perfectly suited to the conditions on this planet?”

I began to qualify, rather weakly; but what I said did not matter. He was off on his favorite theme.

I started to respond, somewhat hesitantly; but what I said didn’t really matter. He was already going on about his favorite topic.

“Man adapted to the earth?” he said. “Why, he can't sleep out-of-doors without freezing to death or getting the rheumatism or the malaria; he can't keep his nose under water over a minute without being drowned; he can't climb a tree without falling out and breaking his neck. Why, he's the poorest, clumsiest excuse of all the creatures that inhabit this earth. He has got to be coddled and housed and swathed and bandaged and up holstered to be able to live at all. He is a rickety sort of a thing, anyway you take him, a regular British Museum of infirmities and inferiorities. He is always under going repairs. A machine that is as unreliable as he is would have no market. The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. The original cave man, the troglodyte, may have got his that way. But now they come through months and months of cruel torture, and at a time of life when he is least able to bear it. As soon as he gets them they must all be pulled out again, for they were of no value in the first place, not worth the loss of a night's rest. The second set will answer for a while; but he will never get a set that can be depended on until the dentist makes one. The animals are not much troubled that way. In a wild state, a natural state, they have few diseases; their main one is old age. But man starts in as a child and lives on diseases to the end as a regular diet. He has mumps, measles, whooping-cough, croup, tonsilitis, diphtheria, scarlet-fever, as a matter of course. Afterward, as he goes along, his life continues to be threatened at every turn by colds, coughs, asthma, bronchitis, quinsy, consumption, yellow-fever, blindness, influenza, carbuncles, pneumonia, softening of the brain, diseases of the heart and bones, and a thousand other maladies of one sort and another. He's just a basketful of festering, pestilent corruption, provided for the support and entertainment of microbes. Look at the workmanship of him in some of its particulars. What are his tonsils for? They perform no useful function; they have no value. They are but a trap for tonsilitis and quinsy. And what is the appendix for? It has no value. Its sole interest is to lie and wait for stray grape-seeds and breed trouble. What is his beard for? It is just a nuisance. All nations persecute it with the razor. Nature, however, always keeps him supplied with it, instead of putting it on his head, where it ought to be. You seldom see a man bald-headed on his chin, but on his head. A man wants to keep his hair. It is a graceful ornament, a comfort, the best of all protections against weather, and he prizes it above emeralds and rubies, and Nature half the time puts it on so it won't stay.

“Man adapted to the earth?” he said. “Look, he can't sleep outside without freezing to death or getting rheumatism or malaria; he can't keep his nose underwater for more than a minute without drowning; he can't climb a tree without falling and breaking his neck. Honestly, he's the clumsiest excuse of all the creatures on this planet. He needs to be pampered and sheltered and wrapped up just to survive. He's a fragile thing, a real museum of weaknesses and defects. He's always in need of repairs. A machine as unreliable as he is wouldn’t sell at all. Higher animals get their teeth without pain or hassle. The original caveman may have gotten his that way. But nowadays, they go through months of painful torture, at a time in life when they can hardly handle it. As soon as they get their teeth, they're pulled out again, since they weren't worth losing sleep over in the first place. The second set might serve for a bit, but he’ll never have a dependable set until the dentist gives him one. Animals don’t have that problem. In the wild, they have few diseases; their main issue is old age. But man starts off as a child and lives with diseases as if they’re part of his diet. He routinely gets mumps, measles, whooping cough, croup, tonsillitis, diphtheria, scarlet fever. As he ages, his life is constantly threatened by colds, coughs, asthma, bronchitis, quinsy, tuberculosis, yellow fever, blindness, influenza, carbuncles, pneumonia, brain issues, heart diseases, bone problems, and countless other ailments. He’s just a bundle of festering, pestilential weaknesses, providing sustenance and amusement for microbes. Look at his design in some details. What are his tonsils for? They serve no useful purpose; they’re just a trap for tonsillitis and quinsy. And what about the appendix? It has no use. Its only role is to lie in wait for stray grape seeds and cause trouble. What’s the point of his beard? It’s just annoying. Every culture tries to shave it off. Yet Nature continuously provides it, instead of putting it on his head where it belongs. You rarely see a man bald on his chin, but on his head. A man wants to keep his hair. It’s a stylish accessory, a comfort, the best protection against the weather, and he values it more than emeralds and rubies, yet Nature often makes it so it won’t stay put.”

“Man's sight and smell and hearing are all inferior. If he were suited to the conditions he could smell an enemy; he could hear him; he could see him, just as the animals can detect their enemies. The robin hears the earthworm burrowing his course under the ground; the bloodhound follows a scent that is two days old. Man isn't even handsome, as compared with the birds; and as for style, look at the Bengal tiger—that ideal of grace, physical perfection, and majesty. Think of the lion and the tiger and the leopard, and then think of man—that poor thing!—the animal of the wig, the ear-trumpet, the glass eye, the porcelain teeth, the wooden leg, the trepanned skull, the silver wind-pipe—a creature that is mended and patched all over from top to bottom. If he can't get renewals of his bric-a-brac in the next world what will he look like? He has just that one stupendous superiority—his imagination, his intellect. It makes him supreme—the higher animals can't match him there. It's very curious.”

“Human beings have worse sight, smell, and hearing. If they were better adapted to their environment, they could smell a threat, hear it, and see it—just like animals can detect their enemies. A robin can hear an earthworm moving underground; a bloodhound can track a scent that’s two days old. Compared to birds, humans aren’t even attractive; and when it comes to elegance, look at the Bengal tiger—an ideal of grace, physical perfection, and majesty. Think about lions, tigers, and leopards, and then consider humans—that poor creature!—the being with wigs, hearing aids, glass eyes, false teeth, wooden legs, trepanned skulls, and silver windpipes—a being that’s patched up all over from head to toe. If he can’t get replacements for his makeshift body parts in the afterlife, what will he look like? He has just one incredible advantage—his imagination and intellect. That’s what makes him superior—the higher animals can’t compete with him there. It’s quite interesting.”

A letter which he wrote to J. Howard Moore concerning his book The Universal Kinship was of this period, and seems to belong here.

A letter he wrote to J. Howard Moore about his book The Universal Kinship was from this time and seems to fit here.

    DEAR MR. MOORE, The book has furnished me several days of deep
    pleasure & satisfaction; it has compelled my gratitude at the same
    time, since it saves me the labor of stating my own long-cherished
    opinions & reflections & resentments by doing it lucidly & fervently
    & irascibly for me.

    There is one thing that always puzzles me: as inheritors of the
    mentality of our reptile ancestors we have improved the inheritance
    by a thousand grades; but in the matter of the morals which they
    left us we have gone backward as many grades. That evolution is
    strange & to me unaccountable & unnatural. Necessarily we started
    equipped with their perfect and blemishless morals; now we are
    wholly destitute; we have no real morals, but only artificial ones
    —morals created and preserved by the forced suppression of natural
    & healthy instincts. Yes, we are a sufficiently comical invention,
    we humans.

              Sincerely yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.
    DEAR MR. MOORE, The book has provided me with several days of deep pleasure and satisfaction; it has also earned my gratitude, as it saves me the effort of expressing my own long-held opinions, reflections, and frustrations by articulating them clearly, passionately, and irritably for me.

    There’s one thing that always confuses me: as heirs to the mindset of our reptilian ancestors, we have vastly improved that inheritance, but in terms of the morals they passed down to us, we’ve regressed just as much. That evolution seems strange and, to me, inexplicable and unnatural. We must have begun with their perfect and flawless morals, yet now we are completely lacking; we have no genuine morals, only artificial ones—morals created and maintained by the forced suppression of natural and healthy instincts. Yes, we humans are quite a hilarious invention.

              Sincerely yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.




CCLIII. AN EVENING WITH HELEN KELLER

I recall two pleasant social events of that winter: one a little party given at the Clemenses' home on New-Year's Eve, with charades and story-telling and music. It was the music feature of this party that was distinctive; it was supplied by wire through an invention known as the telharmonium which, it was believed, would revolutionize musical entertainment in such places as hotels, and to some extent in private houses. The music came over the regular telephone wire, and was delivered through a series of horns or megaphones—similar to those used for phonographs—the playing being done, meanwhile, by skilled performers at the central station. Just why the telharmonium has not made good its promises of popularity I do not know. Clemens was filled with enthusiasm over the idea. He made a speech a little before midnight, in which he told how he had generally been enthusiastic about inventions which had turned out more or less well in about equal proportions. He did not dwell on the failures, but he told how he had been the first to use a typewriter for manuscript work; how he had been one of the earliest users of the fountain-pen; how he had installed the first telephone ever used in a private house, and how the audience now would have a demonstration of the first telharmonium music so employed. It was just about the stroke of midnight when he finished, and a moment later the horns began to play chimes and “Auld Lang Syne” and “America.”

I remember two enjoyable social gatherings from that winter: one was a small party at the Clemens' house on New Year's Eve, featuring charades, storytelling, and music. The music aspect of this party was unique; it was provided via a device called the telharmonium, which was believed to change the way musical entertainment would be experienced in places like hotels and, to some extent, in private homes. The music came through the regular telephone line and was delivered through a series of horns or megaphones—similar to what phonographs used—while skilled performers played at the central station. I'm not sure why the telharmonium hasn't lived up to its promise of popularity. Clemens was really excited about the idea. He gave a speech just before midnight, discussing how he had always been enthusiastic about inventions that had mostly turned out somewhat well. He didn't focus on the failures but shared how he was the first to use a typewriter for writing, one of the earliest users of a fountain pen, how he installed the first telephone ever in a private home, and how the audience was about to experience a demonstration of the first music played by the telharmonium. It was just around midnight when he finished speaking, and a moment later, the horns started playing chimes and “Auld Lang Syne” and “America.”

The other pleasant evening referred to was a little company given in honor of Helen Keller. It was fascinating to watch her, and to realize with what a store of knowledge she had lighted the black silence of her physical life. To see Mark Twain and Helen Keller together was something not easily to be forgotten. When Mrs. Macy (who, as Miss Sullivan, had led her so marvelously out of the shadows) communicated his words to her with what seemed a lightning touch of the fingers her face radiated every shade of his meaning-humorous, serious, pathetic. Helen visited the various objects in the room, and seemed to enjoy them more than the usual observer of these things, and certainly in greater detail. Her sensitive fingers spread over articles of bric-a-brac, and the exclamations she uttered were always fitting, showing that she somehow visualized each thing in all its particulars. There was a bronze cat of handsome workmanship and happy expression, and when she had run those all—seeing fingers of hers over it she said: “It is smiling.”

The other nice evening mentioned was a small gathering held in honor of Helen Keller. It was captivating to watch her and to realize how much knowledge she had brought into the silence of her physical life. Seeing Mark Twain and Helen Keller together was unforgettable. When Mrs. Macy (who, as Miss Sullivan, had wonderfully guided her out of darkness) communicated his words to her with what seemed like a lightning-fast touch of her fingers, her face lit up with every shade of his meaning—humorous, serious, and touching. Helen explored the various objects in the room and seemed to enjoy them more than the usual observer would, and certainly with more detail. Her sensitive fingers glided over the pieces of decor, and the exclamations she made were always appropriate, showing that she somehow visualized each item in all its details. There was a bronze cat, beautifully crafted and with a happy expression, and after she had moved her all-seeing fingers over it, she said: “It is smiling.”





CCLIV. BILLIARD-ROOM NOTES

The billiard games went along pretty steadily that winter. My play improved, and Clemens found it necessary to eliminate my odds altogether, and to change the game frequently in order to keep me in subjection. Frequently there were long and apparently violent arguments over the legitimacy of some particular shot or play—arguments to us quite as enjoyable as the rest of the game. Sometimes he would count a shot which was clearly out of the legal limits, and then it was always a delight to him to have a mock-serious discussion over the matter of conscience, and whether or not his conscience was in its usual state of repair. It would always end by him saying: “I don't wish even to seem to do anything which can invite suspicion. I refuse to count that shot,” or something of like nature. Sometimes when I had let a questionable play pass without comment, he would watch anxiously until I had made a similar one and then insist on my scoring it to square accounts. His conscience was always repairing itself.

The billiard games went on pretty steadily that winter. My skills got better, so Clemens found it necessary to eliminate my odds completely and frequently change the game to keep me in check. There were often long and seemingly heated debates about the validity of a particular shot or play—discussions that were just as enjoyable for us as the rest of the game. Sometimes he would count a shot that was clearly illegal, and then it became a delight for him to have a mock-serious discussion about conscience and whether his conscience was in its usual good shape. It would always end with him saying, “I don’t want to even seem to do anything that could raise suspicion. I refuse to count that shot,” or something along those lines. Sometimes when I had let a questionable play slide without comment, he would watch anxiously until I made a similar move and then insist that I score it to even things up. His conscience was always fixing itself.

He had experimented, a great many years before, with what was in the nature of a trick on some unsuspecting player. It consisted in turning out twelve pool-balls on the table with one cue ball, and asking his guest how many caroms he thought he could make with all those twelve balls to play on. He had learned that the average player would seldom make more than thirty-one counts, and usually, before this number was reached, he would miss through some careless play or get himself into a position where he couldn't play at all. The thing looked absurdly easy. It looked as if one could go on playing all day long, and the victim was usually eager to bet that he could make fifty or perhaps a hundred; but for more than an hour I tried it patiently, and seldom succeeded in scoring more than fifteen or twenty without missing. Long after the play itself ceased to be amusing to me, he insisted on my going on and trying it some more, and he would throw himself back and roar with laughter, the tears streaming down his cheeks, to see me work and fume and fail.

He had tried, many years earlier, a little trick on some unsuspecting player. It involved putting twelve pool balls on the table along with one cue ball and asking his guest how many caroms he thought he could make with all those twelve balls. He had discovered that the average player would rarely make more than thirty-one counts, and usually, before reaching that number, they would miss due to some careless play or end up in a position where they couldn't make a shot at all. It looked absurdly easy. It seemed like someone could play all day long, and the victim was often eager to bet they could make fifty or maybe even a hundred; but for more than an hour, I patiently tried it and rarely scored more than fifteen or twenty without missing. Long after the game itself stopped being entertaining for me, he insisted I keep going, throwing himself back and laughing uproariously, tears streaming down his cheeks, as he watched me struggle, fume, and fail.

It was very soon after that that Peter Dunne (“Mr. Dooley”) came down for luncheon, and after several games of the usual sort, Clemens quietly—as if the idea had just occurred to him—rolled out the twelve balls and asked Dunne how, many caroms he thought he could make without a miss. Dunne said he thought he could make a thousand. Clemens quite indifferently said that he didn't believe he could make fifty. Dunne offered to bet five dollars that he could, and the wager was made. Dunne scored about twenty-five the first time and missed; then he insisted on betting five dollars again, and his defeats continued until Clemens had twenty-five dollars of Dunne's money, and Dunne was sweating and swearing, and Mark Twain rocking with delight. Dunne went away still unsatisfied, promising that he would come back and try it again. Perhaps he practised in his absence, for when he returned he had learned something. He won his twenty-five dollars back, and I think something more added. Mark Twain was still ahead, for Dunne furnished him with a good five hundred dollars' worth of amusement.

It wasn’t long after that Peter Dunne (“Mr. Dooley”) came over for lunch, and after playing several of their usual games, Clemens casually—like the idea had just popped into his head—got out twelve balls and asked Dunne how many caroms he thought he could make without missing. Dunne replied he thought he could make a thousand. Clemens, quite unimpressed, said he didn’t think Dunne could make fifty. Dunne bet five dollars that he could, and the bet was on. Dunne scored about twenty-five the first time and then missed; he insisted on betting five dollars again, and his losing streak continued until Clemens had collected twenty-five dollars from him, while Dunne was sweating and cursing, and Mark Twain was laughing with joy. Dunne left still unsatisfied, promising he’d return to give it another shot. Maybe he practiced while he was gone because when he came back, he had improved. He won his twenty-five dollars back, and I think he might have won a bit more. Mark Twain was still in the lead, as Dunne gave him a solid five hundred dollars' worth of entertainment.

Clemens never cared to talk and never wished to be talked to when the game was actually in progress. If there was anything to be said on either side, he would stop and rest his cue on the floor, or sit down on the couch, until the matter was concluded. Such interruptions happened pretty frequently, and many of the bits of personal comment and incident scattered along through this work are the result of those brief rests. Some shot, or situation, or word would strike back through the past and awaken a note long silent, and I generally kept a pad and pencil on the window-sill with the score-sheet, and later, during his play, I would scrawl some reminder that would be precious by and by.

Clemens never wanted to talk and never wanted to be talked to while the game was actually going on. If there was anything to discuss, he would stop, rest his cue on the floor, or sit down on the couch until the conversation was finished. These interruptions happened pretty often, and many of the personal comments and stories sprinkled throughout this work are the result of those brief breaks. Some shot, situation, or word would bring back a memory, and I usually kept a pad and pencil on the window sill with the score sheet, and later, during his play, I would jot down a reminder that would be valuable later.

On one of these I find a memorandum of what he called his three recurrent dreams. All of us have such things, but his seem worth remembering.

On one of these, I find a note about what he referred to as his three recurring dreams. We all have things like that, but his seem worth holding onto.

“There is never a month passes,” he said, “that I do not dream of being in reduced circumstances, and obliged to go back to the river to earn a living. It is never a pleasant dream, either. I love to think about those days; but there's always something sickening about the thought that I have been obliged to go back to them; and usually in my dream I am just about to start into a black shadow without being able to tell whether it is Selma bluff, or Hat Island, or only a black wall of night.

“There’s never a month that goes by,” he said, “when I don’t dream of being in tough times and having to go back to the river to make a living. It’s never a nice dream, either. I enjoy remembering those days, but there’s always something unsettling about the idea that I’ve had to return to them; and usually in my dream, I’m just about to step into a dark shadow without being able to tell if it’s Selma Bluff, or Hat Island, or just a dark wall of night.”

“Another dream that I have of that kind is being compelled to go back to the lecture platform. I hate that dream worse than the other. In it I am always getting up before an audience with nothing to say, trying to be funny; trying to make the audience laugh, realizing that I am only making silly jokes. Then the audience realizes it, and pretty soon they commence to get up and leave. That dream always ends by my standing there in the semidarkness talking to an empty house.

“Another dream I have like that is being forced to go back to the lecture stage. I hate that dream even more than the other. In it, I’m always getting up in front of an audience with nothing to say, trying to be funny; trying to make the audience laugh, and realizing that I’m just making silly jokes. Then the audience catches on, and soon they start to get up and leave. That dream always ends with me standing there in the dim light, talking to an empty room.”

“My other dream is of being at a brilliant gathering in my night-garments. People don't seem to notice me there at first, and then pretty soon somebody points me out, and they all begin to look at me suspiciously, and I can see that they are wondering who I am and why I am there in that costume. Then it occurs to me that I can fix it by making myself known. I take hold of some man and whisper to him, 'I am Mark Twain'; but that does not improve it, for immediately I can hear him whispering to the others, 'He says he is Mark Twain,' and they all look at me a good deal more suspiciously than before, and I can see that they don't believe it, and that it was a mistake to make that confession. Sometimes, in that dream, I am dressed like a tramp instead of being in my night-clothes; but it all ends about the same—they go away and leave me standing there, ashamed. I generally enjoy my dreams, but not those three, and they are the ones I have oftenest.”

“My other dream is being at an awesome gathering in my pajamas. At first, people don’t seem to notice me, but soon someone points me out, and they all start looking at me suspiciously. I can tell they’re wondering who I am and why I'm in that outfit. Then it hits me that I can fix this by introducing myself. I grab some guy and whisper, ‘I’m Mark Twain,’ but that doesn’t help at all. I can immediately hear him telling the others, ‘He says he’s Mark Twain,’ and they all look at me even more suspiciously than before. I can see they don’t believe me, and I realize it was a mistake to say that. Sometimes, in that dream, I’m dressed like a homeless person instead of in my pajamas; but it all ends the same—they walk away and leave me standing there, embarrassed. I usually enjoy my dreams, but not those three, and they’re the ones I have the most often.”

Quite often some curious episode of the world's history would flash upon him—something amusing, or coarse, or tragic, and he would bring the game to a standstill and recount it with wonderful accuracy as to date and circumstance. He had a natural passion for historic events and a gift for mentally fixing them, but his memory in other ways was seldom reliable. He was likely to forget the names even of those he knew best and saw oftenest, and the small details of life seldom registered at all.

Often, a curious moment from history would suddenly come to him—something funny, crude, or tragic—and he would stop the game to share it with impressive accuracy regarding the date and context. He had a natural passion for historical events and a talent for remembering them, but his memory in other areas was usually unreliable. He often forgot the names of even the people he knew best and saw most frequently, and the little details of life rarely stuck with him.

He had his breakfast served in his room, and once, on a slip of paper, he wrote, for his own reminder:

He had his breakfast brought to his room, and once, on a piece of paper, he wrote, for his own reminder:

The accuracy of your forgetfulness is absolute—it seems never to fail. I prepare to pour my coffee so it can cool while I shave—and I always forget to pour it.

The accuracy of your forgetfulness is spot on—it never seems to fail. I get ready to pour my coffee so it can cool while I shave—and I always forget to do it.

Yet, very curiously, he would sometimes single out a minute detail, something every one else had overlooked, and days or even weeks afterward would recall it vividly, and not always at an opportune moment. Perhaps this also was a part of his old pilot-training. Once Clara Clemens remarked:

Yet, strangely, he would sometimes pick out a tiny detail that everyone else had missed, and days or even weeks later, he would remember it clearly, not always at the best times. Maybe this was part of his old pilot training. Once, Clara Clemens remarked:

“It always amazes me the things that father does and does not remember. Some little trifle that nobody else would notice, and you are hoping that he didn't, will suddenly come back to him just when you least expect it or care for it.”

“It always surprises me what my dad remembers and what he doesn’t. Some tiny detail that no one else would even think about, and you’re really hoping he didn’t catch it, will suddenly pop back into his mind at the most unexpected moment or when you least want it to.”

My note-book contains the entry:

My notebook has the entry:

    February 11, 1907. He said to-day:

    “A blindfolded chess-player can remember every play and discuss the
    game afterward, while we can't remember from one shot to the next.”

    I mentioned his old pilot-memory as an example of what he could do
    if he wished.

    “Yes,” he answered, “those are special memories; a pilot will tell
    you the number of feet in every crossing at any time, but he can't
    remember what he had for breakfast.”

    “How long did you keep your pilot-memory?” I asked.

    “Not long; it faded out right away, but the training served me, for
    when I went to report on a paper a year or two later I never had to
    make any notes.”

    “I suppose you still remember some of the river?”

    “Not much. Hat Island, Helena and here and there a place; but that
    is about all.”
 
    February 11, 1907. He said today:

    “A blindfolded chess player can remember every move and talk about the game afterward, while we can’t recall from one shot to the next.”

    I brought up his old pilot memory as an example of what he could do if he wanted.

    “Yes,” he replied, “those are special memories; a pilot can tell you the exact number of feet in every crossing at any time, but he can't remember what he had for breakfast.”

    “How long did you hold on to your pilot memory?” I asked.

    “Not long; it faded quickly, but the training helped me, because when I went to report for a paper a year or two later, I never had to take any notes.”

    “I guess you still remember some of the river?”

    “Not much. Hat Island, Helena, and a few other places; but that’s about it.”




CCLV. FURTHER PERSONALITIES

Like every person living, Mark Twain had some peculiar and petty economies. Such things in great men are noticeable. He lived extravagantly. His household expenses at the time amounted to more than fifty dollars a day. In the matter of food, the choicest, and most expensive the market could furnish was always served in lavish abundance. He had the best and highest-priced servants, ample as to number. His clothes he bought generously; he gave without stint to his children; his gratuities were always liberal. He never questioned pecuniary outgoes—seldom worried as to the state of his bank-account so long as there was plenty. He smoked cheap cigars because he preferred their flavor. Yet he had his economies. I have seen him, before leaving a room, go around and carefully lower the gas-jets, to provide against that waste. I have known him to examine into the cost of a cab, and object to an apparent overcharge of a few cents.

Like everyone, Mark Twain had some odd and minor ways to save money. These behaviors stand out in great people. He lived lavishly, with household expenses exceeding fifty dollars a day at that time. When it came to food, he always served the finest and most expensive options in generous portions. He employed the best and highest-paid servants, and he had plenty of them. He bought clothes without hesitation, gave generously to his children, and always tipped well. He never questioned his spending and rarely worried about his bank account as long as he had enough. He smoked inexpensive cigars because he liked their taste. Still, he had his frugal moments. I’ve seen him, before leaving a room, go around and carefully lower the gas lights to avoid wasting energy. I’ve known him to check the fare of a cab and complain about a few cents’ overcharge.

It seemed that his idea of economy might be expressed in these words: He abhorred extortion and visible waste.

It seemed that his idea of economy could be summed up in these words: He hated exploitation and obvious waste.

Furthermore, he had exact ideas as to ownership. One evening, while we were playing billiards, I noticed a five-cent piece on the floor. I picked it up, saying:

Furthermore, he had very clear ideas about ownership. One evening, while we were playing pool, I spotted a five-cent coin on the floor. I picked it up, saying:

“Here is five cents; I don't know whose it is.”

“Here’s five cents; I have no idea whose it is.”

He regarded the coin rather seriously, I thought, and said:

He looked at the coin quite seriously, I thought, and said:

“I don't know, either.”

"I don't know either."

I laid it on the top of the book-shelves which ran around the room. The play went on, and I forgot the circumstance. When the game ended that night I went into his room with him, as usual, for a good-night word. As he took his change and keys from the pocket of his trousers, he looked the assortment over and said:

I placed it on top of the bookshelves that lined the room. The play continued, and I forgot about it. When the game ended that night, I went into his room with him, like usual, for a good-night chat. As he took his change and keys out of his pants pocket, he looked at the items and said:

“That five-cent piece you found was mine.”

"That five-cent coin you found was mine."

I brought it to him at once, and he took it solemnly, laid it with the rest of his change, and neither of us referred to it again. It may have been one of his jokes, but I think it more likely that he remembered having had a five-cent piece, probably reserved for car fare, and that it was missing.

I gave it to him right away, and he took it seriously, added it to his other change, and we didn’t mention it again. It could have been one of his jokes, but I think it’s more likely he realized he had a five-cent coin, probably saved for bus fare, and that it was gone.

More than once, in Washington, he had said:

More than once, in Washington, he had said:

“Draw plenty of money for incidental expenses. Don't bother to keep account of them.”

"Get enough cash for extra costs. Don’t worry about keeping track of them."

So it was not miserliness; it was just a peculiarity, a curious attention to a trifling detail.

So it wasn't about being stingy; it was just an oddity, a strange focus on a minor detail.

He had a fondness for riding on the then newly completed Subway, which he called the Underground. Sometimes he would say:

He loved riding the newly completed Subway, which he called the Underground. Sometimes he would say:

“I'll pay your fare on the Underground if you want to take a ride with me.” And he always insisted on paying the fare, and once when I rode far up-town with him to a place where he was going to luncheon, and had taken him to the door, he turned and said, gravely:

“I'll cover your fare on the Underground if you want to join me.” And he always insisted on paying the fare, and once when I rode way uptown with him to a place where he was headed for lunch, and had walked him to the door, he turned and said, seriously:

“Here is five cents to pay your way home.” And I took it in the same spirit in which it had been offered. It was probably this trait which caused some one occasionally to claim that Mark Twain was close in money matters. Perhaps there may have been times in his life when he was parsimonious; but, if so, I must believe that it was when he was sorely pressed and exercising the natural instinct of self-preservation. He wished to receive the full value (who does not?) of his labors and properties. He took a childish delight in piling up money; but it became greed only when he believed some one with whom he had dealings was trying to get an unfair division of profits. Then it became something besides greed. It became an indignation that amounted to malevolence. I was concerned in a number of dealings with Mark Twain, and at a period in his life when human traits are supposed to become exaggerated, which is to say old age, and if he had any natural tendency to be unfair, or small, or greedy in his money dealings I think I should have seen it. Personally, I found him liberal to excess, and I never observed in him anything less than generosity to those who were fair with him.

“Here’s five cents to get you home.” I accepted it in the same spirit it was given. This attitude might be why some people sometimes said Mark Twain was stingy with money. Sure, there might have been times in his life when he was frugal, but I believe that was only when he was really struggling and just trying to survive. He wanted to get full value for his work and belongings (who wouldn’t?). He had a childlike joy in accumulating money; it only crossed into greed when he thought someone he was dealing with was trying to unfairly take more than their share. Then it turned into something more than just greed. It morphed into a sense of indignation that bordered on bitterness. I was involved in several dealings with Mark Twain during a time in his life when it's typical for human traits to become more pronounced—what you might call old age—and if he had any natural tendency to be unfair, petty, or greedy in his money matters, I think I would have noticed it. Personally, I found him overly generous, and I never saw anything less than kindness from him towards people who treated him fairly.

Once that winter, when a letter came from Steve Gillis saying that he was an invalid now, and would have plenty of time to read Sam's books if he owned them, Clemens ordered an expensive set from his publishers, and did what meant to him even more than the cost in money—he autographed each of those twenty-five volumes. Then he sent them, charges paid, to that far Californian retreat. It was hardly the act of a stingy man.

Once that winter, a letter arrived from Steve Gillis saying that he was now disabled and would have plenty of time to read Sam's books if he had them. Clemens ordered an expensive set from his publishers and did something that meant even more to him than the monetary cost—he signed each of those twenty-five volumes. Then he sent them, with all expenses covered, to that distant retreat in California. It was far from the act of a stingy person.

He had the human fondness for a compliment when it was genuine and from an authoritative source, and I remember how pleased he was that winter with Prof. William Lyon Phelps's widely published opinion, which ranked Mark Twain as the greatest American novelist, and declared that his fame would outlive any American of his time. Phelps had placed him above Holmes, Howells, James, and even Hawthorne. He had declared him to be more American than any of these—more American even than Whitman. Professor Phelps's position in Yale College gave this opinion a certain official weight; but I think the fact of Phelps himself being a writer of great force, with an American freshness of style, gave it a still greater value.

He had a typical human appreciation for genuine compliments, especially when they came from a respected source, and I remember how happy he was that winter with Prof. William Lyon Phelps's widely shared opinion, which ranked Mark Twain as the greatest American novelist and claimed that his fame would outlast any American of his era. Phelps had placed him above Holmes, Howells, James, and even Hawthorne. He stated that Twain was more American than any of these writers—more American even than Whitman. Professor Phelps's position at Yale gave this opinion a certain official credibility; however, I believe that Phelps being a powerful writer himself, with a uniquely American style, added even more value to it.

Among the pleasant things that winter was a meeting with Eugene F. Ware, of Kansas, with whose penname—“Ironquill”—Clemens had long been familiar.

Among the nice things about winter was meeting Eugene F. Ware, from Kansas, whose pen name—“Ironquill”—Clemens had known for a long time.

Ware was a breezy Western genius of the finest type. If he had abandoned law for poetry, there is no telling how far his fame might have reached. There was in his work that same spirit of Americanism and humor and humanity that is found in Mark Twain's writings, and he had the added faculty of rhyme and rhythm, which would have set him in a place apart. I had known Ware personally during a period of Western residence, and later, when he was Commissioner of Pensions under Roosevelt. I usually saw him when he came to New York, and it was a great pleasure now to bring together the two men whose work I so admired. They met at a small private luncheon at The Players, and Peter Dunne was there, and Robert Collier, and it was such an afternoon as Howells has told of when he and Aldrich and Bret Harte and those others talked until the day faded into twilight, and twilight deepened into evening. Clemens had put in most of the day before reading Ware's book of poems, 'The Rhymes of Ironquill', and had declared his work to rank with the very greatest of American poetry—I think he called it the most truly American in flavor. I remember that at the luncheon he noted Ware's big, splendid physique and his Western liberties of syntax with a curious intentness. I believe he regarded him as being nearer his own type in mind and expression than any one he had met before.

Ware was a laid-back Western genius of the highest caliber. If he had switched from law to poetry, who knows how far his fame could have gone? His work had that same spirit of Americana, humor, and humanity found in Mark Twain’s writings, plus he had a knack for rhyme and rhythm that would have set him apart. I knew Ware personally during my time in the West, and later, when he was the Commissioner of Pensions under Roosevelt. I typically saw him when he visited New York, and it was a real pleasure to bring together the two men whose work I admired so much. They met at a small private lunch at The Players, along with Peter Dunne and Robert Collier, and it was one of those afternoons that Howells described when he, Aldrich, Bret Harte, and others talked until the day turned into twilight, and twilight deepened into evening. Clemens had spent most of the day reading Ware’s poetry book, 'The Rhymes of Ironquill', and claimed that his work was among the very best of American poetry—I think he said it was the most truly American in style. I remember at the lunch he remarked on Ware's large, impressive physique and his free-spirited use of syntax with keen interest. I believe he saw Ware as being closer to his own type of mind and expression than anyone he had met before.

Among Ware's poems he had been especially impressed with the “Fables,” and with some verses entitled “Whist,” which, though rather more optimistic, conformed to his own philosophy. They have a distinctly “Western” feeling.

Among Ware's poems, he had been especially impressed with the “Fables” and some verses titled “Whist,” which, although a bit more optimistic, aligned with his own philosophy. They have a clearly “Western” vibe.

                       WHIST
        Hour after hour the cards were fairly shuffled,
           And fairly dealt, and still I got no hand;
         The morning came; but I, with mind unruffled,
            Did simply say, “I do not understand.”
          Life is a game of whist. From unseen sources
        The cards are shuffled, and the hands are dealt.
         Blind are our efforts to control the forces
        That, though unseen, are no less strongly felt.
         I do not like the way the cards are shuffled,
         But still I like the game and want to play;
       And through the long, long night will I, unruffled,
           Play what I get, until the break of day.
                       WHIST
        Hour after hour, the cards were shuffled and dealt, 
           Yet I still received no good hand; 
         Morning came, but I, calm and collected, 
            Simply said, “I don't understand.” 
          Life is like a game of whist. The cards are shuffled and hands dealt 
         From sources we can't see. 
         Our attempts to control the forces 
        That, though invisible, are still strongly felt, are futile. 
         I don't like how the cards are shuffled, 
         But I still enjoy the game and want to play; 
       And through the long night, I will, undisturbed, 
           Play with what I get until dawn breaks.




VOLUME III, Part 2: 1907-1910





CCLVI. HONORS FROM OXFORD

Clemens made a brief trip to Bermuda during the winter, taking Twichell along; their first return to the island since the trip when they had promised to come back so soon-nearly thirty years before. They had been comparatively young men then. They were old now, but they found the green island as fresh and full of bloom as ever. They did not find their old landlady; they could not even remember her name at first, and then Twichell recalled that it was the same as an author of certain schoolbooks in his youth, and Clemens promptly said, “Kirkham's Grammar.” Kirkham was truly the name, and they went to find her; but she was dead, and the daughter, who had been a young girl in that earlier time, reigned in her stead and entertained the successors of her mother's guests. They walked and drove about the island, and it was like taking up again a long-discontinued book and reading another chapter of the same tale. It gave Mark Twain a fresh interest in Bermuda, one which he did not allow to fade again.

Clemens took a quick trip to Bermuda during the winter, bringing Twichell along; it was their first return to the island since they had promised to come back nearly thirty years ago. They had been relatively young men back then. Now they were older, but they found the island just as vibrant and blooming as ever. They didn’t find their old landlady at first; they couldn’t even remember her name, but then Twichell recalled that it was the same as an author of some schoolbooks from his youth, and Clemens immediately said, “Kirkham's Grammar.” Kirkham was indeed the name, so they went to look for her, but she had passed away, and her daughter, who had been a young girl back then, was now in charge and welcomed her mother’s former guests. They explored the island, and it felt like picking up a long-abandoned book and reading another chapter of the same story. It sparked a renewed interest in Bermuda for Mark Twain, one that he wouldn’t let fade away again.

Later in the year (March, 1907) I also made a journey; it having been agreed that I should take a trip to the Mississippi and to the Pacific coast to see those old friends of Mark Twain's who were so rapidly passing away. John Briggs was still alive, and other Hannibal schoolmates; also Joe Goodman and Steve Gillis, and a few more of the early pioneers—all eminently worth seeing in the matter of such work as I had in hand. The billiard games would be interrupted; but whatever reluctance to the plan there may have been on that account was put aside in view of prospective benefits. Clemens, in fact, seemed to derive joy from the thought that he was commissioning a kind of personal emissary to his old comrades, and provided me with a letter of credentials.

Later in the year (March, 1907), I took a trip; it had been agreed that I would travel to the Mississippi and the Pacific coast to visit those old friends of Mark Twain's who were quickly fading away. John Briggs was still alive, along with other schoolmates from Hannibal, as well as Joe Goodman and Steve Gillis, plus a few of the early pioneers—all definitely worth visiting for the work I had planned. The billiard games would be interrupted, but any hesitation I had about that was set aside in light of the potential benefits. Clemens, in fact, seemed to take pleasure in the idea that he was sending a kind of personal messenger to his old friends and gave me a letter of introduction.

It was a long, successful trip that I made, and it was undertaken none too soon. John Briggs, a gentle-hearted man, was already entering the valley of the shadow as he talked to me by his fire one memorable afternoon, and reviewed the pranks of those days along the river and in the cave and on Holliday's Hill. I think it was six weeks later that he died; and there were others of that scattering procession who did not reach the end of the year. Joe Goodman, still full of vigor (in 1912), journeyed with me to the green and dreamy solitudes of Jackass Hill to see Steve and Jim Gillis, and that was an unforgetable Sunday when Steve Gillis, an invalid, but with the fire still in his eyes and speech, sat up on his couch in his little cabin in that Arcadian stillness and told old tales and adventures. When I left he said:

It was a long, successful trip that I took, and it happened just in time. John Briggs, a kind-hearted man, was already facing the end of his life as we talked by his fire one unforgettable afternoon, reminiscing about the antics of those days by the river, in the cave, and on Holliday's Hill. I think it was six weeks later that he passed away; and there were others in that dwindling group who didn’t make it through the year. Joe Goodman, still full of energy (in 1912), traveled with me to the lush, dreamy solitude of Jackass Hill to see Steve and Jim Gillis, and that was an unforgettable Sunday when Steve Gillis, who was an invalid but still had a spark in his eyes and words, sat up on his couch in his little cabin in that peaceful setting and shared old stories and adventures. When I left, he said:

“Tell Sam I'm going to die pretty soon, but that I love him; that I've loved him all my life, and I'll love him till I die. This is the last word I'll ever send to him.” Jim Gillis, down in Sonora, was already lying at the point of death, and so for him the visit was too late, though he was able to receive a message from his ancient mining partner, and to send back a parting word.

“Tell Sam I’m going to die pretty soon, but that I love him; that I’ve loved him all my life, and I’ll love him until I die. This is the last message I’ll ever send him.” Jim Gillis, down in Sonora, was already at death’s door, so for him the visit was too late, although he was able to get a message from his old mining partner and send back a farewell note.

I returned by way of New Orleans and the Mississippi River, for I wished to follow that abandoned water highway, and to visit its presiding genius, Horace Bixby,—[He died August 2, 1912, at the age of 86]—still alive and in service as pilot of the government snagboat, his headquarters at St. Louis.

I returned through New Orleans and the Mississippi River because I wanted to trace that neglected water route and visit its guiding figure, Horace Bixby,—[He died August 2, 1912, at the age of 86]—who was still alive and working as the pilot of the government snagboat, based in St. Louis.

Coming up the river on one of the old passenger steam boats that still exist, I noticed in a paper which came aboard that Mark Twain was to receive from Oxford University the literary doctor's degree. There had been no hint of this when I came away, and it seemed rather too sudden and too good to be true. That the little barefoot lad that had played along the river-banks at Hannibal, and received such meager advantages in the way of schooling—whose highest ambition had been to pilot such a craft as this one—was about to be crowned by the world's greatest institution of learning, to receive the highest recognition for achievement in the world of letters, was a thing which would not be likely to happen outside of a fairy tale.

Coming up the river on one of the old passenger steamboats that are still around, I noticed in a newspaper that came aboard that Mark Twain was set to receive an honorary doctorate from Oxford University. There had been no hint of this when I left, and it felt a bit sudden and too good to be true. That the little barefoot boy who played along the riverbanks in Hannibal, who had such limited schooling—whose biggest dream had been to pilot a boat like this one—was about to be honored by one of the world's top universities, receiving the highest recognition for achievement in literature, seemed like something out of a fairy tale.

Returning to New York, I ran out to Tuxedo, where he had taken a home for the summer (for it was already May), and walking along the shaded paths of that beautiful suburban park, he told me what he knew of the Oxford matter.

Returning to New York, I hurried out to Tuxedo, where he had rented a place for the summer (since it was already May), and as we walked along the shaded paths of that lovely suburban park, he shared what he knew about the Oxford situation.

Moberly Bell, of the London Times, had been over in April, and soon after his return to England there had come word of the proposed honor. Clemens privately and openly (to Bell) attributed it largely to his influence. He wrote to him:

Moberly Bell from the London Times had come over in April, and shortly after he got back to England, news arrived about the proposed honor. Clemens privately and openly told Bell that he believed it was largely due to his influence. He wrote to him:

    DEAR MR. BELL,—Your hand is in it & you have my best thanks.
    Although I wouldn't cross an ocean again for the price of the ship
    that carried me I am glad to do it for an Oxford degree. I shall
    plan to sail for England a shade before the middle of June, so that
    I can have a few days in London before the 26th.
    DEAR MR. BELL,—You’re involved, and I really appreciate it. 
    Even though I wouldn’t travel across an ocean again for the price of the ship 
    that brought me over, I’m happy to do it for an Oxford degree. I plan to sail 
    for England just before the middle of June, so I can spend a few days in London 
    before the 26th.

A day or two later, when the time for sailing had been arranged, he overtook his letter with a cable:

A day or two later, when they had set the date for sailing, he caught up with his letter using a cable:

    I perceive your hand in it. You have my best thanks. Sail on
    Minneapolis June 8th. Due in Southampton ten days later.
I see your involvement in this. Thank you so much. Set sail from Minneapolis on June 8th. Arriving in Southampton ten days later.

Clemens said that his first word of the matter had been a newspaper cablegram, and that he had been doubtful concerning it until a cablegram to himself had confirmed it.

Clemens said that the first he heard about it was from a newspaper cable, and he had been unsure about it until he received a cable confirming it himself.

“I never expected to cross the water again,” he said; “but I would be willing to journey to Mars for that Oxford degree.”

“I never thought I’d cross the water again,” he said; “but I’d be willing to travel to Mars for that Oxford degree.”

He put the matter aside then, and fell to talking of Jim Gillis and the others I had visited, dwelling especially on Gillis's astonishing faculty for improvising romances, recalling how he had stood with his back to the fire weaving his endless, grotesque yarns, with no other guide than his fancy. It was a long, happy walk we had, though rather a sad one in its memories; and he seemed that day, in a sense, to close the gate of those early scenes behind him, for he seldom referred to them afterward.

He set the issue aside and started talking about Jim Gillis and the others I had visited, focusing particularly on Gillis's incredible talent for creating stories on the spot. He remembered how Gillis would stand with his back to the fire, spinning his endless, bizarre tales, using nothing but his imagination. We had a long, pleasant walk, even though it was somewhat bittersweet with its memories; and that day, it felt like he was, in a way, closing the door on those early experiences, as he rarely mentioned them afterward.

He was back at 21 Fifth Avenue presently, arranging for his voyage. Meantime, cable invitations of every sort were pouring in, from this and that society and dignitary; invitations to dinners and ceremonials, and what not, and it was clear enough that his English sojourn was to be a busy one. He had hoped to avoid this, and began by declining all but two invitations—a dinner-party given by Ambassador Whitelaw Reid and a luncheon proposed by the “Pilgrims.” But it became clear that this would not do. England was not going to confer its greatest collegiate honor without being permitted to pay its wider and more popular tribute.

He was back at 21 Fifth Avenue now, getting ready for his trip. Meanwhile, cable invitations of every kind were flooding in from various social circles and dignitaries; invites to dinners, ceremonies, and more, and it was obvious that his stay in England was going to be hectic. He had hoped to steer clear of this and initially turned down all but two invitations—a dinner hosted by Ambassador Whitelaw Reid and a luncheon offered by the “Pilgrims.” But it became clear that this approach wouldn’t work. England wasn’t going to give its highest collegiate honor without also giving its broader and more popular recognition.

Clemens engaged a special secretary for the trip—Mr. Ralph W. Ashcroft, a young Englishman familiar with London life. They sailed on the 8th of June, by a curious coincidence exactly forty years from the day he had sailed on the Quaker City to win his great fame. I went with him to the ship. His first elation had passed by this time, and he seemed a little sad, remembering, I think, the wife who would have enjoyed this honor with him but could not share it now.

Clemens hired a special secretary for the trip—Mr. Ralph W. Ashcroft, a young Englishman who knew London well. They set sail on June 8th, which was a strange coincidence since it marked exactly forty years since he had sailed on the Quaker City to achieve his great fame. I accompanied him to the ship. By this time, his initial excitement had faded, and he appeared a bit melancholic, probably remembering the wife who would have loved this honor but couldn’t be there to share it with him now.





CCLVII. A TRUE ENGLISH WELCOME

Mark Twain's trip across the Atlantic would seem to have been a pleasant one. The Minneapolis is a fine, big ship, and there was plenty of company. Prof. Archibald Henderson, Bernard Shaw's biographer, was aboard;—[Professor Henderson has since then published a volume on Mark Twain-an interesting commentary on his writings—mainly from the sociological point of view.]—also President Patton, of the Princeton Theological Seminary; a well-known cartoonist, Richards, and some very attractive young people—school-girls in particular, such as all through his life had appealed to Mark Twain. Indeed, in his later life they made a stronger appeal than ever. The years had robbed him of his own little flock, and always he was trying to replace them. Once he said:

Mark Twain's trip across the Atlantic seemed to be an enjoyable one. The Minneapolis is a large, nice ship, and there was plenty of company. Professor Archibald Henderson, who wrote Bernard Shaw's biography, was on board;—[Professor Henderson has since published a book on Mark Twain—an interesting commentary on his writings—mainly from a sociological perspective.]—also onboard were President Patton of the Princeton Theological Seminary, a well-known cartoonist named Richards, and some very appealing young people—especially schoolgirls, who had always charmed Mark Twain throughout his life. In fact, in his later years, they attracted him even more. Time had taken away his own little group, and he was always looking to replace them. Once he said:

“During those years after my wife's death I was washing about on a forlorn sea of banquets and speech-making in high and holy causes, and these things furnished me intellectual cheer, and entertainment; but they got at my heart for an evening only, then left it dry and dusty. I had reached the grandfather stage of life without grandchildren, so I began to adopt some.”

“During those years after my wife's death, I was drifting through a sad sea of banquets and speeches for noble causes, which provided me with some intellectual stimulation and entertainment; but they only touched my heart for a night and then left it dry and dusty. I had reached the grandfather stage of life without any grandchildren, so I started to adopt a few.”

He adopted several on that journey to England and on the return voyage, and he kept on adopting others during the rest of his life. These companionships became one of the happiest aspects of his final days, as we shall see by and by.

He took on several companions during his journey to England and on the way back, and he continued to take on more for the rest of his life. These relationships turned out to be one of the happiest parts of his later years, as we will discover soon.

There were entertainments on the ship, one of them given for the benefit of the Seamen's Orphanage. One of his adopted granddaughters—“Charley” he called her—played a violin solo and Clemens made a speech. Later his autographs were sold at auction. Dr. Patton was auctioneer, and one autographed postal card brought twenty-five dollars, which is perhaps the record price for a single Mark Twain signature. He wore his white suit on this occasion, and in the course of his speech referred to it. He told first of the many defects in his behavior, and how members of his household had always tried to keep him straight. The children, he said, had fallen into the habit of calling it “dusting papa off.” Then he went on:

There were activities on the ship, one of which was for the benefit of the Seamen's Orphanage. One of his adopted granddaughters—whom he called “Charley”—played a violin solo, and Clemens gave a speech. Later, his autographs were sold in an auction. Dr. Patton was the auctioneer, and one autographed postcard went for twenty-five dollars, possibly the record price for a single Mark Twain signature. He wore his white suit for this event, and during his speech, he mentioned it. He first talked about his many shortcomings and how the members of his household always tried to set him straight. The kids, he said, had gotten into the habit of calling it “dusting papa off.” Then he continued:

    When my daughter came to see me off last Saturday at the boat she
    slipped a note in my hand and said, “Read it when you get aboard the
    ship.” I didn't think of it again until day before yesterday, and
    it was a “dusting off.” And if I carry out all the instructions
    that I got there I shall be more celebrated in England for my
    behavior than for anything else. I got instructions how to act on
    every occasion. She underscored “Now, don't you wear white clothes
    on ship or on shore until you get back,” and I intended to obey. I
    have been used to obeying my family all my life, but I wore the
    white clothes to-night because the trunk that has the dark clothes
    in it is in the cellar. I am not apologizing for the white clothes;
    I am only apologizing to my daughter for not obeying her.
When my daughter came to see me off last Saturday at the boat, she slipped a note in my hand and said, “Read it when you get on the ship.” I didn’t think about it again until the day before yesterday, and it was a “wake-up call.” If I follow all the advice I got in there, I’ll be more famous in England for my behavior than for anything else. She gave me tips on how to act in every situation. She emphasized, “Now, don’t wear white clothes on the ship or on shore until you get back,” and I planned to stick to that. I’ve always followed my family’s wishes, but I wore the white clothes tonight because the trunk with my dark clothes is in the cellar. I'm not apologizing for wearing white; I'm just apologizing to my daughter for not following her advice.

He received a great welcome when the ship arrived at Tilbury. A throng of rapid-fire reporters and photographers immediately surrounded him, and when he left the ship the stevedores gave him a round of cheers. It was the beginning of that almost unheard-of demonstration of affection and honor which never for a moment ceased, but augmented from day to day during the four weeks of his English sojourn.

He got a warm welcome when the ship docked at Tilbury. A crowd of eager reporters and photographers quickly surrounded him, and as he stepped off the ship, the dockworkers cheered for him. It marked the start of an extraordinary display of affection and respect that never faded, but actually grew stronger day by day throughout his four weeks in England.

In a dictation following his return, Mark Twain said:

In a dictation after he got back, Mark Twain said:

    Who began it? The very people of all people in the world whom I
    would have chosen: a hundred men of my own class—grimy sons of
    labor, the real builders of empires and civilizations, the
    stevedores! They stood in a body on the dock and charged their
    masculine lungs, and gave me a welcome which went to the marrow of
    me.
Who started it? The very people I would have chosen above all others: a hundred men from my own background—hardworking sons of labor, the true builders of empires and civilizations, the dockworkers! They stood together on the dock, filled their lungs with air, and gave me a welcome that reached deep into my soul.

J. Y. W. MacAlister was at the St. Pancras railway station to meet him, and among others on the platform was Bernard Shaw, who had come down to meet Professor Henderson. Clemens and Shaw were presented, and met eagerly, for each greatly admired the other. A throng gathered. Mark Twain was extricated at last, and hurried away to his apartments at Brown's Hotel, “a placid, subdued, homelike, old-fashioned English inn,” he called it, “well known to me years ago, a blessed retreat of a sort now rare in England, and becoming rarer every year.”

J. Y. W. MacAlister was at the St. Pancras railway station to greet him, and among others on the platform was Bernard Shaw, who had come to welcome Professor Henderson. Clemens and Shaw were introduced and met enthusiastically, as both greatly respected each other. A crowd gathered. Mark Twain was finally freed from the throng and quickly made his way to his room at Brown's Hotel, which he described as “a calm, cozy, homely, old-fashioned English inn,” noting that it was “well known to me years ago, a blessed retreat of a kind that is now rare in England, and becoming rarer every year.”

But Brown's was not placid and subdued during his stay. The London newspapers declared that Mark Twain's arrival had turned Brown's not only into a royal court, but a post-office—that the procession of visitors and the bundles of mail fully warranted this statement. It was, in fact, an experience which surpassed in general magnitude and magnificence anything he had hitherto known. His former London visits, beginning with that of 1872, had been distinguished by high attentions, but all of them combined could not equal this. When England decides to get up an ovation, her people are not to be outdone even by the lavish Americans. An assistant secretary had to be engaged immediately, and it sometimes required from sixteen to twenty hours a day for two skilled and busy men to receive callers and reduce the pile of correspondence.

But Brown's was anything but calm and quiet during his stay. The London newspapers announced that Mark Twain's arrival had turned Brown's not only into a royal court but also a post office— the constant stream of visitors and the stacks of mail definitely supported this claim. It was, in fact, an experience that surpassed in scale and grandeur anything he had experienced before. His previous visits to London, starting back in 1872, had been marked by significant attention, but none of them could compare to this. When England decides to throw a celebration, her people won't be outdone even by the extravagant Americans. An assistant secretary had to be hired immediately, and it often took between sixteen to twenty hours a day for two busy and skilled men to greet guests and manage the mountain of correspondence.

A pile of invitations had already accumulated, and others flowed in. Lady Stanley, widow of Henry M. Stanley, wrote:

A stack of invitations had already built up, and more were coming in. Lady Stanley, the widow of Henry M. Stanley, wrote:

    You know I want to see you and join right hand to right hand. I
    must see your dear face again.... You will have no peace,
    rest, or leisure during your stay in London, and you will end by
    hating human beings. Let me come before you feel that way.
    You know I want to see you and hold your hand. I must see your wonderful face again.... You won’t have any peace, rest, or free time while you’re in London, and you’ll end up hating people. Let me come before you feel that way.

Mary Cholmondeley, the author of Red Pottage, niece of that lovable Reginald Cholmondeley, and herself an old friend, sent greetings and urgent invitations. Archdeacon Wilberforce wrote:

Mary Cholmondeley, the author of Red Pottage, niece of the endearing Reginald Cholmondeley, and a longtime friend, sent her regards and urgent invitations. Archdeacon Wilberforce wrote:

    I have just been preaching about your indictment of that scoundrel
    king of the Belgians and telling my people to buy the book. I am
    only a humble item among the very many who offer you a cordial
    welcome in England, but we long to see you again, and I should like
    to change hats with you again. Do you remember?
    I’ve just been talking about your criticism of that corrupt king of the Belgians and encouraging my people to buy the book. I’m just one of many who warmly welcome you in England, but we really want to see you again, and I’d love to swap hats with you again. Do you remember?

The Athenaeum, the Garrick, and a dozen other London clubs had anticipated his arrival with cards of honorary membership for the period of his stay. Every leading photographer had put in a claim for sittings. It was such a reception as Charles Dickens had received in America in 1842, and again in 1867. A London paper likened it to Voltaire's return to Paris in 1778, when France went mad over him. There is simply no limit to English affection and, hospitality once aroused. Clemens wrote:

The Athenaeum, the Garrick, and a dozen other clubs in London were ready for his arrival with honorary membership cards for the duration of his stay. Every prominent photographer wanted to book a session with him. It was the same kind of welcome that Charles Dickens got in America in 1842 and again in 1867. A London newspaper compared it to Voltaire's return to Paris in 1778, when France went crazy for him. There’s just no limit to English affection and hospitality once it's stirred up. Clemens wrote:

    Surely such weeks as this must be very rare in this world: I had
    seen nothing like them before; I shall see nothing approaching them
    again!
Surely weeks like this must be extremely rare in the world: I've never experienced anything like them before; I won't encounter anything close to them again!

Sir Thomas Lipton and Bram Stoker, old friends, were among the first to present themselves, and there was no break in the line of callers.

Sir Thomas Lipton and Bram Stoker, longtime friends, were some of the first to arrive, and the stream of visitors never stopped.

Clemens's resolutions for secluding himself were swept away. On the very next morning following his arrival he breakfasted with J. Henniker Heaton, father of International Penny Postage, at the Bath Club, just across Dover Street from Brown's. He lunched at the Ritz with Marjorie Bowen and Miss Bisland. In the afternoon he sat for photographs at Barnett's, and made one or two calls. He could no more resist these things than a debutante in her first season.

Clemens's plans for solitude were quickly abandoned. The very next morning after he arrived, he had breakfast with J. Henniker Heaton, the father of International Penny Postage, at the Bath Club, right across Dover Street from Brown's. He had lunch at the Ritz with Marjorie Bowen and Miss Bisland. In the afternoon, he posed for photos at Barnett's and made a couple of visits. He couldn't resist these things any more than a debutante in her first season.

He was breakfasting again with Heaton next morning; lunching with “Toby, M.P.,” and Mrs. Lucy; and having tea with Lady Stanley in the afternoon, and being elaborately dined next day at Dorchester House by Ambassador and Mrs. Reid. These were all old and tried friends. He was not a stranger among them, he said; he was at home. Alfred Austin, Conan Doyle, Anthony Hope, Alma Tadema, E. A. Abbey, Edmund Goss, George Smalley, Sir Norman Lockyer, Henry W. Lucy, Sidney Brooks, and Bram Stoker were among those at Dorchester House—all old comrades, as were many of the other guests.

He was having breakfast again with Heaton the next morning; lunching with “Toby, M.P.,” and Mrs. Lucy; and having tea with Lady Stanley in the afternoon, followed by an elaborate dinner the next day at Dorchester House hosted by Ambassador and Mrs. Reid. These were all old and trusted friends. He wasn’t a stranger among them, he said; he felt at home. Alfred Austin, Conan Doyle, Anthony Hope, Alma Tadema, E. A. Abbey, Edmund Goss, George Smalley, Sir Norman Lockyer, Henry W. Lucy, Sidney Brooks, and Bram Stoker were among those at Dorchester House—all old buddies, along with many of the other guests.

“I knew fully half of those present,” he said afterward.

"I knew at least half of the people there," he said afterward.

Mark Twain's bursting upon London society naturally was made the most of by the London papers, and all his movements were tabulated and elaborated, and when there was any opportunity for humor in the situation it was not left unimproved. The celebrated Ascot racing-cup was stolen just at the time of his arrival, and the papers suggestively mingled their head-lines, “Mark Twain Arrives: Ascot Cup Stolen,” and kept the joke going in one form or another. Certain state jewels and other regalia also disappeared during his stay, and the news of these burglaries was reported in suspicious juxtaposition with the news of Mark Twain's doings.

Mark Twain's arrival in London society was understandably a big deal for the local newspapers, which kept track of all his activities and made a big fuss over them. Whenever there was an opportunity for humor in the situation, they took full advantage. Right as he showed up, the famous Ascot racing cup was stolen, and the papers cleverly combined their headlines: “Mark Twain Arrives: Ascot Cup Stolen,” keeping the joke alive in various forms. During his visit, some state jewels and other royal items also went missing, and the news about these burglaries was suspiciously reported alongside updates about Mark Twain's activities.

English reporters adopted American habits for the occasion, and invented or embellished when the demand for a new sensation was urgent. Once, when following the custom of the place, he descended the hotel elevator in a perfectly proper and heavy brown bath robe, and stepped across narrow Dover Street to the Bath Club, the papers flamed next day with the story that Mark Twain had wandered about the lobby of Brown's and promenaded Dover Street in a sky-blue bath robe attracting wide attention.

English reporters picked up American habits for the occasion and often created or exaggerated stories whenever there was a strong demand for something sensational. One time, when he followed the local custom and took the hotel elevator down in a perfectly proper and heavy brown bathrobe, he crossed narrow Dover Street to the Bath Club. The next day, the papers blared the story that Mark Twain had strolled through the lobby of Brown's and walked along Dover Street in a sky-blue bathrobe, drawing a lot of attention.

Clara Clemens, across the ocean, was naturally a trifle disturbed by such reports, and cabled this delicate “dusting off”:

Clara Clemens, across the ocean, was understandably a bit unsettled by such reports, and sent this delicate "dusting off":

“Much worried. Remember proprieties.”

"Very worried. Remember the rules."

To which he answered:

He replied:

“They all pattern after me,” a reply to the last degree characteristic.

“They all model themselves after me,” a response to the utmost extent of my traits.

It was on the fourth day after his arrival, June 22d, that he attended the King's garden-party at Windsor Castle. There were eighty-five hundred guests at the King's party, and if we may judge from the London newspapers, Mark Twain was quite as much a figure in that great throng as any member of the royal family. His presentation to the King and the Queen is set down as an especially notable incident, and their conversation is quite fully given. Clemens himself reported:

It was on the fourth day after he arrived, June 22nd, that he went to the King's garden party at Windsor Castle. There were eight thousand five hundred guests at the King's party, and judging by the London newspapers, Mark Twain stood out in that large crowd just as much as any member of the royal family. His introduction to the King and Queen is noted as a particularly significant moment, and their conversation is recounted in detail. Clemens himself reported:

    His Majesty was very courteous. In the course of the conversation
    I reminded him of an episode of fifteen years ago, when I had the
    honor to walk a mile with him when he was taking the waters at
    Homburg, in Germany. I said that I had often told about that
    episode, and that whenever I was the historian I made good history
    of it and it was worth listening to, but that it had found its way
    into print once or twice in unauthentic ways and was badly damaged
    thereby. I said I should like to go on repeating this history, but
    that I should be quite fair and reasonably honest, and while I
    should probably never tell it twice in the same way I should at
    least never allow it to deteriorate in my hands. His Majesty
    intimated his willingness that I should continue to disseminate that
    piece of history; and he added a compliment, saying that he knew
    good and sound history would not suffer at my hands, and that if
    this good and sound history needed any improvement beyond the facts
    he would trust me to furnish that improvement.

    I think it is not an exaggeration to say that the Queen looked as
    young and beautiful as she did thirty-five years ago when I saw her
    first. I did not say this to her, because I learned long ago never
    to say the obvious thing, but leave the obvious thing to commonplace
    and inexperienced people to say. That she still looked to me as
    young and beautiful as she did thirty-five years ago is good
    evidence that ten thousand people have already noticed this and have
    mentioned it to her. I could have said it and spoken the truth, but
    I was too wise for that. I kept the remark unuttered and saved her
    Majesty the vexation of hearing it the ten-thousand-and-oneth time.

    All that report about my proposal to buy Windsor Castle and its
    grounds was a false rumor. I started it myself.

    One newspaper said I patted his Majesty on the shoulder—an
    impertinence of which I was not guilty; I was reared in the most
    exclusive circles of Missouri and I know how to behave. The King
    rested his hand upon my arm a moment or two while we were chatting,
    but he did it of his own accord. The newspaper which said I talked
    with her Majesty with my hat on spoke the truth, but my reasons for
    doing it were good and sufficient—in fact unassailable. Rain was
    threatening, the temperature had cooled, and the Queen said, “Please
    put your hat on, Mr. Clemens.” I begged her pardon and excused
    myself from doing it. After a moment or two she said, “Mr. Clemens,
    put your hat on”—with a slight emphasis on the word “on” “I can't
    allow you to catch cold here.” When a beautiful queen commands it
    is a pleasure to obey, and this time I obeyed—but I had already
    disobeyed once, which is more than a subject would have felt
    justified in doing; and so it is true, as charged; I did talk with
    the Queen of England with my hat on, but it wasn't fair in the
    newspaper man to charge it upon me as an impoliteness, since there
    were reasons for it which he could not know of.
His Majesty was very polite. During our conversation, I reminded him of an incident from fifteen years ago when I had the honor of walking a mile with him while he was taking the waters in Homburg, Germany. I mentioned that I'd often shared that story, and whenever I told it, I made it sound good and it was enjoyable to listen to. However, it had been published a couple of times in ways that were not accurate and had suffered from that. I said I would like to keep telling this story, but I wanted to be fair and honest about it, and while I might never tell it the same way twice, I would ensure it didn’t get ruined in my hands. His Majesty indicated that he was fine with me continuing to share that story, and he complimented me, saying he was confident that good and accurate history wouldn’t suffer in my hands, and if this good history needed any embellishments beyond the facts, he would trust me to provide that.

I think it’s not an exaggeration to say that the Queen looked as young and beautiful as she did thirty-five years ago when I first saw her. I didn’t say this to her because I learned a long time ago to avoid stating the obvious and to leave that to ordinary and inexperienced people. That she still looked as young and beautiful as she did thirty-five years ago is evidence enough that countless people have already noticed this and mentioned it to her. I could have said it and spoken the truth, but I was too wise for that. I kept the comment to myself and spared her Majesty the annoyance of hearing it for the tenth thousandth time.

All that talk about my proposal to buy Windsor Castle and its grounds was just a rumor. I started it myself.

One newspaper claimed I patted His Majesty on the shoulder—something I didn’t do; I was raised in the most exclusive circles of Missouri and I know how to behave. The King rested his hand on my arm for a moment while we were chatting, but he did that on his own. The newspaper that reported I spoke with Her Majesty while wearing my hat was correct, but my reasons for doing so were valid and justifiable—in fact, irrefutable. Rain was threatening, the temperature had dropped, and the Queen said, “Please put your hat on, Mr. Clemens.” I politely declined to do so. After a moment, she said, “Mr. Clemens, put your hat on”—with a slight emphasis on the word “on.” “I can't allow you to catch cold here.” When a beautiful queen commands, it’s a pleasure to obey, and this time I did obey—but I had already ignored her once, which is more than a subject might feel justified in doing. So it’s true, as stated; I did talk with the Queen of England while wearing my hat, but it wasn’t fair for the newspaper to call it impolite without knowing the reasons behind it.

Nearly all the members of the British royal family were there, and there were foreign visitors which included the King of Siam and a party of India princes in their gorgeous court costumes, which Clemens admired openly and said he would like to wear himself.

Almost all the members of the British royal family were there, along with foreign guests, including the King of Siam and a group of Indian princes in their stunning court outfits, which Clemens openly admired and said he would love to wear himself.

The English papers spoke of it as one of the largest and most distinguished parties ever given at Windsor. Clemens attended it in company with Mr. and Mrs. J. Henniker Heaton, and when it was over Sir Thomas Lipton joined them and motored with them back to Brown's.

The English newspapers described it as one of the biggest and most celebrated parties ever held at Windsor. Clemens went with Mr. and Mrs. J. Henniker Heaton, and when it wrapped up, Sir Thomas Lipton joined them and drove back to Brown's with them.

He was at Archdeacon Wilberforce's next day, where a curious circumstance developed. When he arrived Wilberforce said to him, in an undertone:

He was at Archdeacon Wilberforce's the next day, where a strange situation unfolded. When he arrived, Wilberforce said to him in a low voice:

“Come into my library. I have something to show you.”

“Come into my library. I have something to show you.”

In the library Clemens was presented to a Mr. Pole, a plain-looking man, suggesting in dress and appearance the English tradesman. Wilberforce said:

In the library, Clemens was introduced to Mr. Pole, an ordinary-looking man who seemed to be an English tradesman based on his clothing and appearance. Wilberforce said:

“Mr. Pole, show to Mr. Clemens what you have brought here.”

“Mr. Pole, show Mr. Clemens what you’ve brought here.”

Mr. Pole unrolled a long strip of white linen and brought to view at last a curious, saucer-looking vessel of silver, very ancient in appearance, and cunningly overlaid with green glass. The archdeacon took it and handed it to Clemens as some precious jewel. Clemens said:

Mr. Pole unrolled a long strip of white linen and finally revealed a strange, saucer-shaped silver vessel that looked very old and was cleverly covered with green glass. The archdeacon took it and handed it to Clemens like it was a precious gem. Clemens said:

“What is it?”

"What's that?"

Wilberforce impressively answered:

Wilberforce responded impressively:

“It is the Holy Grail.”

"It's the Holy Grail."

Clemens naturally started with surprise.

Clemens was naturally surprised.

“You may well start,” said Wilberforce; “but it's the truth. That is the Holy Grail.”

“You can definitely start,” said Wilberforce; “but that's the truth. That is the Holy Grail.”

Then he gave this explanation: Mr. Pole, a grain merchant of Bristol, had developed some sort of clairvoyant power, or at all events he had dreamed several times with great vividness the location of the true Grail. Another dreamer, a Dr. Goodchild, of Bath, was mixed up in the matter, and between them this peculiar vessel, which was not a cup, or a goblet, or any of the traditional things, had been discovered. Mr. Pole seemed a man of integrity, and it was clear that the churchman believed the discovery to be genuine and authentic. Of course there could be no positive proof. It was a thing that must be taken on trust. That the vessel itself was wholly different from anything that the generations had conceived, and was apparently of very ancient make, was opposed to the natural suggestion of fraud.

Then he explained: Mr. Pole, a grain merchant from Bristol, had developed some kind of clairvoyant ability, or at least he had vividly dreamed several times about the location of the true Grail. Another dreamer, a Dr. Goodchild from Bath, was involved in the situation, and together they had discovered this unusual vessel, which wasn’t a cup, goblet, or any of the usual items. Mr. Pole appeared to be a man of integrity, and it was clear that the churchman believed the discovery was genuine and authentic. Of course, there was no definitive proof. It was something that had to be taken on trust. The fact that the vessel itself was completely different from anything that previous generations had imagined, and seemed to be very ancient, went against any natural assumptions of fraud.

Clemens, to whom the whole idea of the Holy Grail was simply a poetic legend and myth, had the feeling that he had suddenly been transmigrated, like his own Connecticut Yankee, back into the Arthurian days; but he made no question, suggested no doubt. Whatever it was, it was to them the materialization of a symbol of faith which ranked only second to the cross itself, and he handled it reverently and felt the honor of having been one of the first permitted to see the relic. In a subsequent dictation he said:

Clemens, who thought the whole concept of the Holy Grail was just a poetic legend and myth, felt like he had suddenly been transported, like his own Connecticut Yankee, back to the days of King Arthur; but he didn’t question it or express any doubt. Whatever it was, to them it represented a symbol of faith that was only second to the cross itself, and he treated it with reverence, feeling honored to be among the first allowed to see the relic. In a later dictation, he said:

    I am glad I have lived to see that half-hour—that astonishing half-
    hour. In its way it stands alone in my life's experience. In the
    belief of two persons present this was the very vessel which was
    brought by night and secretly delivered to Nicodemus, nearly
    nineteen centuries ago, after the Creator of the universe had
    delivered up His life on the cross for the redemption of the human
    race; the very cup which the stainless Sir Galahad had sought with
    knightly devotion in far fields of peril and adventure in Arthur's
    time, fourteen hundred years ago; the same cup which princely
    knights of other bygone ages had laid down their lives in long and
    patient efforts to find, and had passed from life disappointed—and
    here it was at last, dug up by a grain-broker at no cost of blood or
    travel, and apparently no purity required of him above the average
    purity of the twentieth-century dealer in cereal futures; not even a
    stately name required—no Sir Galahad, no Sir Bors de Ganis, no Sir
    Lancelot of the Lake—nothing but a mere Mr. Pole.—[From the New
    York Sun somewhat later: “Mr. Pole communicated the discovery to a
    dignitary of the Church of England, who summoned a number of eminent
    persons, including psychologists, to see and discuss it. Forty
    attended, including some peers with ecclesiastical interests,
    Ambassador Whitelaw Reid, Professor Crookas, and ministers of
    various religious bodies, including the Rev. R. J. Campbell. They
    heard Mr. Pole's story with deep attention, but he could not prove
    the genuineness of the relic.”]
    I’m glad I lived to experience that half-hour—that incredible half-hour. In its own way, it stands out in my life. According to two people there, this was the exact vessel that was brought at night and secretly given to Nicodemus nearly nineteen centuries ago, after the Creator of the universe sacrificed His life on the cross to redeem humanity; the very cup that the pure Sir Galahad sought with knightly devotion in dangerous adventures during Arthur's time, fourteen hundred years ago; the same cup that noble knights from other past ages laid down their lives trying to find and died disappointed—yet here it was at last, unearthed by a grain dealer without any cost of blood or journey, and seemingly no higher virtue needed from him than the average purity of a twentieth-century grain trader; not even an impressive title was required—no Sir Galahad, no Sir Bors de Ganis, no Sir Lancelot of the Lake—just a simple Mr. Pole.—[From the New York Sun somewhat later: “Mr. Pole informed an official from the Church of England, who called together several prominent individuals, including psychologists, to see and discuss it. Forty people attended, including some peers with religious interests, Ambassador Whitelaw Reid, Professor Crookas, and ministers from various religious groups, including Rev. R. J. Campbell. They listened to Mr. Pole's account with keen interest, but he could not verify the authenticity of the relic.”]

Clemens saw Mr. and Mrs. Rogers at Claridge's Hotel that evening; lunched with his old friends Sir Norman and Lady Lockyer next day; took tea with T. P. O'Connor at the House of Commons, and on the day following, which was June a 5th, he was the guest of honor at one of the most elaborate occasions of his visit—a luncheon given by the Pilgrims at the Savoy Hotel. It would be impossible to set down here a report of the doings, or even a list of the guests, of that gathering. The Pilgrims is a club with branches on both sides of the ocean, and Mark Twain, on either side, was a favorite associate. At this luncheon the picture on the bill of fare represented him as a robed pilgrim, with a great pen for his staff, turning his back on the Mississippi River and being led along his literary way by a huge jumping frog, to which he is attached by a string. On a guest-card was printed:

Clemens saw Mr. and Mrs. Rogers at Claridge's Hotel that evening; lunched with his old friends Sir Norman and Lady Lockyer the next day; had tea with T. P. O'Connor at the House of Commons, and on the following day, June 5th, he was the guest of honor at one of the most elaborate events of his visit—a luncheon hosted by the Pilgrims at the Savoy Hotel. It would be impossible to provide a report of the activities or even a list of the guests from that gathering. The Pilgrims is a club with branches on both sides of the ocean, and Mark Twain was a beloved member on either side. At this luncheon, the illustration on the menu depicted him as a robed pilgrim, holding a large pen as his staff, turning his back on the Mississippi River and being guided along his literary journey by a giant jumping frog, to which he is connected by a string. On a guest card, it was printed:

    Pilot of many Pilgrims since the shout
    “Mark Twain!”—that serves you for a deathless sign
    —On Mississippi's waterway rang out
    Over the plummet's line—
    Still where the countless ripples laugh above
    The blue of halcyon seas long may you keep
    Your course unbroken, buoyed upon a love
    Ten thousand fathoms deep!

                       —O. S. [OWEN SEAMAN].
    Pilot of many Pilgrims since the shout
    “Mark Twain!”—that serves as your eternal sign
    —On the Mississippi River rang out
    Over the plummet's line—
    Still where the countless ripples laugh above
    The blue of calm seas, may you keep
    Your course unbroken, buoyed by a love
    Ten thousand fathoms deep!

                       —O. S. [OWEN SEAMAN].

Augustine Birrell made the speech of introduction, closing with this paragraph:

Augustine Birrell gave the introductory speech, wrapping it up with this paragraph:

    Mark Twain is a man whom Englishmen and Americans do well to honor.
    He is a true consolidator of nations. His delightful humor is of
    the kind which dissipates and destroys national prejudices. His
    truth and his honor—his love of truth and his love of honor
    —overflow all boundaries. He has made the world better by his
    presence, and we rejoice to see him here. Long may he live to reap
    a plentiful harvest of hearty honest human affection.
    Mark Twain is a guy that both Englishmen and Americans should definitely respect. He really brings nations together. His delightful humor breaks down and eliminates national biases. His commitment to truth and honor—his love for truth and honor—knows no borders. He has improved the world just by being in it, and we're glad to have him here. May he live long to enjoy a rich harvest of genuine human affection.

The toast was drunk standing. Then Clemens rose and made a speech which delighted all England. In his introduction Mr. Birrell had happened to say, “How I came here I will not ask!” Clemens remembered this, and looking down into Mr. Birrell's wine-glass, which was apparently unused, he said:

The toast was taken while standing. Then Clemens got up and gave a speech that thrilled everyone in England. During his introduction, Mr. Birrell had casually remarked, “How I came here I will not ask!” Clemens recalled this, and glancing into Mr. Birrell's wine glass, which seemed untouched, he said:

“Mr. Birrell doesn't know how he got here. But he will be able to get away all right—he has not drunk anything since he came.”

“Mr. Birrell doesn’t know how he ended up here. But he’ll be able to leave just fine—he hasn’t had a drink since he arrived.”

He told stories about Howells and Twichell, and how Darwin had gone to sleep reading his books, and then he came down to personal things and company, and told them how, on the day of his arrival, he had been shocked to read on a great placard, “Mark Twain Arrives: Ascot Cup Stolen.”

He shared stories about Howells and Twichell, and how Darwin had fallen asleep reading his books. Then he moved on to more personal topics and talked about how, on the day he arrived, he was surprised to see a big sign that said, “Mark Twain Arrives: Ascot Cup Stolen.”

    No doubt many a person was misled by those sentences joined together
    in that unkind way. I have no doubt my character has suffered from
    it. I suppose I ought to defend my character, but how can I defend
    it? I can say here and now that anybody can see by my face that I
    am sincere—that I speak the truth, and that I have never seen that
    Cup. I have not got the Cup, I did not have a chance to get it. I
    have always had a good character in that way. I have hardly ever
    stolen anything, and if I did steal anything I had discretion enough
    to know about the value of it first. I do not steal things that are
    likely to get myself into trouble. I do not think any of us do
    that. I know we all take things—that is to be expected; but really
    I have never taken anything, certainly in England, that amounts to
    any great thing. I do confess that when I was here seven years ago
    I stole a hat—but that did not amount to anything. It was not a
    good hat it was only a clergyman's hat, anyway. I was at a
    luncheon-party and Archdeacon Wilberforce was there also. I dare say
    he is archdeacon now—he was a canon then—and he was serving in the
    Westminster Battery, if that is the proper term. I do not know, as
    you mix military and ecclesiastical things together so much.
No doubt many people were misled by those sentences strung together in such a mean way. I'm sure my reputation has suffered because of it. I suppose I should defend my character, but how can I? I can say right here and now that anyone can see from my face that I am sincere—that I speak the truth, and that I have never seen that Cup. I don’t have the Cup; I never had a chance to get it. I've always had a good reputation in that regard. I've hardly ever stolen anything, and if I did steal something, I was smart enough to know its value first. I don’t steal things that could get me into trouble. I don’t think any of us do that. I know we all take things—that's to be expected; but honestly, I've never taken anything, especially in England, that amounts to anything significant. I do admit that when I was here seven years ago, I stole a hat—but that didn’t amount to much. It wasn't a good hat; it was just a clergyman's hat, anyway. I was at a lunch party, and Archdeacon Wilberforce was there too. I suppose he’s an archdeacon now—he was a canon back then—and he was serving in the Westminster Battery, if that’s the right term. I don’t know, since you mix military and church matters together so much.

He recounted the incident of the exchanged hats; then he spoke of graver things. He closed:

He shared the story about the swapped hats; then he talked about more serious matters. He finished:

    I cannot always be cheerful, and I cannot always be chaffing. I
    must sometimes lay the cap and bells aside and recognize that I am
    of the human race. I have my cares and griefs, and I therefore
    noticed what Mr. Birrell said—I was so glad to hear him say it
    —something that was in the nature of these verses here at the top
    of the program:

           He lit our life with shafts of sun
           And vanquished pain.
           Thus two great nations stand as one
           In honoring Twain.
    I can’t always be cheerful, and I can’t always joke around. I need to sometimes put aside the cap and bells and acknowledge that I’m human. I have my worries and sadness, and that’s why I took notice of what Mr. Birrell said—I was really glad to hear him say it—something that relates to these lines here at the top of the program:

           He lit our life with beams of sunlight
           And conquered pain.
           Thus, two great nations stand as one
           In honoring Twain.

I am very glad to have those verses. I am very glad and very grateful for what Mr. Birrell said in that connection. I have received since I have been here, in this one week, hundreds of letters from all conditions of people in England, men, women, and children, and there is compliment, praise, and, above all, and better than all, there is in them a note of affection.

I’m really happy to have those verses. I’m really happy and truly grateful for what Mr. Birrell said about it. Since I’ve been here, in just this one week, I’ve received hundreds of letters from all walks of life in England—men, women, and children. They’re filled with compliments, praise, and most importantly, there’s a genuine sense of affection in them.

Praise is well, compliment is well, but affection—that is the last and final and most precious reward that any man can win, whether by character or achievement, and I am very grateful to have that reward. All these letters make me feel that here in England, as in America, when I stand under the English or the American flag I am not a stranger, I am not an alien, but at home.

Praise is nice, compliments are nice, but love—that's the ultimate and most valuable reward anyone can earn, whether through character or accomplishments, and I'm really thankful to have that reward. All these letters make me feel that here in England, just like in America, when I stand under the English or American flag, I’m not a stranger, I’m not an outsider, but at home.





CCLVIII. DOCTOR OF LITERATURE, OXFORD

He left, immediately following the Pilgrim luncheon, with Hon. Robert P. Porter, of the London Times, for Oxford, to remain his guest there during the various ceremonies. The encenia—the ceremony of conferring the degrees—occurred at the Sheldonian Theater the following morning, June 26, 1907.

He left right after the Pilgrim luncheon with Hon. Robert P. Porter from the London Times, heading to Oxford, where he would be his guest during the various ceremonies. The encenia—the ceremony for conferring degrees—took place at the Sheldonian Theater the next morning, June 26, 1907.

It was a memorable affair. Among those who were to receive degrees that morning besides Samuel Clemens were: Prince Arthur of Connaught; Prime Minister Campbell-Bannerman; Whitelaw Reid; Rudyard Kipling; Sidney Lee; Sidney Colvin; Lord Archbishop of Armagh, Primate of Ireland; Sir Norman Lockyer; Auguste Rodin, the sculptor; Saint-Saens, and Gen. William Booth, of the Salvation Army-something more than thirty, in all, of the world's distinguished citizens.

It was a memorable event. Among those who were set to receive degrees that morning alongside Samuel Clemens were: Prince Arthur of Connaught; Prime Minister Campbell-Bannerman; Whitelaw Reid; Rudyard Kipling; Sidney Lee; Sidney Colvin; the Lord Archbishop of Armagh, Primate of Ireland; Sir Norman Lockyer; Auguste Rodin, the sculptor; Saint-Saens, and Gen. William Booth, of the Salvation Army—over thirty in total, of the world's distinguished citizens.

The candidates assembled at Magdalen College, and led by Lord Curzon, the Chancellor, and clad in their academic plumage, filed in radiant procession to the Sheldonian Theater, a group of men such as the world seldom sees collected together. The London Standard said of it:

The candidates gathered at Magdalen College, and led by Lord Curzon, the Chancellor, dressed in their academic robes, walked in a stunning procession to the Sheldonian Theater, a group of men that the world hardly ever sees coming together. The London Standard described it as:

    So brilliant and so interesting was the list of those who had been
    selected by Oxford University on Convocation to receive degrees,
    'honoris causa', in this first year of Lord Curzon's chancellorship,
    that it is small wonder that the Sheldonian Theater was besieged
    today at an early hour.

    Shortly after 11 o'clock the organ started playing the strains of
    “God Save the King,” and at once a great volume of sound arose as
    the anthem was taken up by the undergraduates and the rest of the
    assemblage. Every one stood up as, headed by the mace of office,
    the procession slowly filed into the theater, under the leadership
    of Lord Curzon, in all the glory of his robes of office, the long
    black gown heavily embroidered with gold, the gold-tasseled mortar-
    board, and the medals on his breast forming an admirable setting,
    thoroughly in keeping with the dignity and bearing of the late
    Viceroy of India. Following him came the members of Convocation, a
    goodly number consisting of doctors of divinity, whose robes of
    scarlet and black enhanced the brilliance of the scene. Robes of
    salmon and scarlet-which proclaim the wearer to be a doctor of civil
    law—were also seen in numbers, while here and there was a gown of
    gray and scarlet, emblematic of the doctorate of science or of
    letters.
So impressive and intriguing was the list of individuals selected by Oxford University at Convocation to receive honorary degrees in this first year of Lord Curzon's chancellorship that it's no surprise the Sheldonian Theater was crowded early today.

Shortly after 11 o'clock, the organ began playing "God Save the King," and immediately a powerful wave of sound arose as the anthem was taken up by the undergraduates and everyone else present. Everyone stood as the procession, led by the mace of office, slowly entered the theater, with Lord Curzon at the front, dressed in the full splendor of his official robes—a long black gown heavily embroidered with gold, a gold-tasseled mortarboard, and medals on his chest, all of which perfectly matched the dignity and stature of the former Viceroy of India. Following him were members of Convocation, a notable number of whom were doctors of divinity, their scarlet and black robes adding to the brilliance of the scene. There were also many in salmon and scarlet robes, indicating that they were doctors of civil law, while here and there a gray and scarlet gown could be seen, representing the doctorate of science or letters.

The encenia is an impressive occasion; but it is not a silent one. There is a splendid dignity about it; but there goes with it all a sort of Greek chorus of hilarity, the time-honored prerogative of the Oxford undergraduate, who insists on having his joke and his merriment at the expense of those honored guests. The degrees of doctor of law were conferred first. Prince Arthur was treated with proper dignity by the gallery; but when Whitelaw Reid stepped forth a voice shouted, “Where's your Star-spangled Banner?” and when England's Prime Minister-Campbell-Bannerman—came forward some one shouted, “What about the House of Lords?” and so they kept it up, cheering and chaffing, until General Booth was introduced as the “Passionate advocate of the dregs of the people, leader of the submerged tenth,” and “general of the Salvation Army,” when the place broke into a perfect storm of applause, a storm that a few minutes later became, according to the Daily News, “a veritable cyclone,” for Mark Twain, clad in his robe of scarlet and gray, had been summoned forward to receive the highest academic honors which the world has to give. The undergraduates went wild then. There was such a mingling of yells and calls and questions, such as, “Have you brought the jumping Frog with you?” “Where is the Ascot Cup?” “Where are the rest of the Innocents?” that it seemed as if it would not be possible to present him at all; but, finally, Chancellor Curzon addressed him (in Latin), “Most amiable and charming sir, you shake the sides of the whole world with your merriment,” and the great degree was conferred. If only Tom Sawyer could have seen him then! If only Olivia Clemens could have sat among those who gave him welcome! But life is not like that. There is always an incompleteness somewhere, and the shadow across the path.

The ceremony is quite an event, but it's definitely not a quiet one. There's a beautiful dignity to it, but it comes with a lively, humorous atmosphere, a long-standing tradition of Oxford undergraduates who love to joke around, even at the expense of the honored guests. The doctor of law degrees were given out first. Prince Arthur was honored appropriately by the audience, but when Whitelaw Reid came up, someone shouted, “Where's your Star-spangled Banner?” Then, when England's Prime Minister, Campbell-Bannerman, stepped forward, another voice called out, “What about the House of Lords?” And they kept it going, cheering and teasing, until General Booth was introduced as the “Passionate advocate of the dregs of the people, leader of the submerged tenth,” and “general of the Salvation Army.” The crowd erupted into a massive round of applause, which, according to the Daily News, turned into “a veritable cyclone” when Mark Twain, dressed in his scarlet and gray robe, was called to the stage to receive the highest academic honors possible. The undergraduates went wild. There was a chaotic mix of shouts and questions like, “Did you bring the jumping Frog with you?” “Where is the Ascot Cup?” “Where are the rest of the Innocents?” It seemed impossible to present him at all, but eventually, Chancellor Curzon addressed him (in Latin), “Most amiable and charming sir, you shake the sides of the whole world with your merriment,” and the prestigious degree was awarded. If only Tom Sawyer could have seen him then! If only Olivia Clemens could have sat among those welcoming him! But life isn’t like that. There’s always something missing, and a shadow lurking along the way.

Rudyard Kipling followed—another supreme favorite, who was hailed with the chorus, “For he's a jolly good fellow,” and then came Saint-Satins. The prize poems and essays followed, and then the procession of newly created doctors left the theater with Lord Curzon at their head. So it was all over-that for which, as he said, he would have made the journey to Mars. The world had nothing more to give him now except that which he had already long possessed-its honor and its love.

Rudyard Kipling came next—another huge favorite, greeted with the chant, “For he's a jolly good fellow,” and then Saint-Satins followed. The award-winning poems and essays were presented, and then the line of newly minted doctors exited the theater with Lord Curzon leading them. And that was it—everything he said he would have traveled to Mars for. The world had nothing else to offer him now except what he had long had—its respect and its love.

The newly made doctors were to be the guests of Lord Curzon at All Souls College for luncheon. As they left the theater (according to Sidney Lee):

The newly minted doctors were invited to lunch with Lord Curzon at All Souls College. As they exited the theater (according to Sidney Lee):

    The people in the streets singled out Mark Twain, formed a vast and
    cheering body-guard around him and escorted him to the college
    gates. But before and after the lunch it was Mark Twain again whom
    everybody seemed most of all to want to meet. The Maharajah of
    Bikanir, for instance, finding himself seated at lunch next to Mrs.
    Riggs (Kate Douglas Wiggin), and hearing that she knew Mark Twain,
    asked her to present him a ceremony duly performed later on the
    quadrangle. At the garden-party given the same afternoon in the
    beautiful grounds of St. John's, where the indefatigable Mark put
    in an appearance, it was just the same—every one pressed forward
    for an exchange of greetings and a hand-shake. On the following
    day, when the Oxford pageant took place, it was even more so. “Mark
    Twain's Pageant,” it was called by one of the papers.—[There was a
    dinner that evening at one of the colleges where, through mistaken
    information, Clemens wore black evening dress when he should have
    worn his scarlet gown. “When I arrived,” he said, “the place was
    just a conflagration—a kind of human prairie-fire. I looked as out
    of place as a Presbyterian in hell.”]
The people in the streets spotted Mark Twain, formed a large and cheering crowd around him, and escorted him to the college gates. But before and after lunch, it was Mark Twain that everyone seemed to want to meet the most. The Maharajah of Bikanir, for example, found himself sitting next to Mrs. Riggs (Kate Douglas Wiggin) at lunch and, hearing that she knew Mark Twain, asked her to introduce him—a request she fulfilled later in the quadrangle. At the garden party held the same afternoon in the beautiful grounds of St. John's, where the tireless Mark made an appearance, it was the same story—everyone rushed forward to greet him and shake his hand. The next day, during the Oxford pageant, it was even more intense. One of the papers called it “Mark Twain's Pageant.” [That evening, there was a dinner at one of the colleges where, due to a mix-up, Clemens wore a black evening dress instead of his scarlet gown. “When I arrived,” he said, “the place looked like a conflagration—a sort of human prairie fire. I felt as out of place as a Presbyterian in hell.”]

Clemens remained the guest of Robert Porter, whose house was besieged with those desiring a glimpse of their new doctor of letters. If he went on the streets he was instantly recognized by some newsboy or cabman or butcher-boy, and the word ran along like a cry of fire, while the crowds assembled.

Clemens stayed at Robert Porter's house, which was crowded with people wanting to catch a glimpse of the new doctor of letters. Whenever he walked down the street, he was quickly recognized by a newsboy, cab driver, or butcher’s boy, and the news spread like wildfire as crowds gathered.

At a luncheon which the Porters gave him the proprietor of the catering establishment garbed himself as a waiter in order to have the distinction of serving Mark Twain, and declared it to have been the greatest moment of his life. This gentleman—for he was no less than that—was a man well-read, and his tribute was not inspired by mere snobbery. Clemens, learning of the situation, later withdrew from the drawing-room for a talk with him.

At a lunch hosted by the Porters, the owner of the catering business dressed up as a waiter just to have the honor of serving Mark Twain, calling it the best moment of his life. This man—who was certainly impressive—was well-educated, and his admiration wasn't just about being snobbish. Once Clemens found out about this, he later stepped out of the drawing-room to have a conversation with him.

“I found,” he said, “that he knew about ten or fifteen times as much about my books as I knew about them myself.”

“I found,” he said, “that he knew about ten or fifteen times more about my books than I knew about them myself.”

Mark Twain viewed the Oxford pageant from a box with Rudyard Kipling and Lord Curzon, and as they sat there some one passed up a folded slip of paper, on the outside of which was written, “Not true.” Opening it, they read:

Mark Twain watched the Oxford pageant from a box with Rudyard Kipling and Lord Curzon. While they were sitting there, someone handed them a folded slip of paper that had “Not true” written on the outside. When they opened it, they read:

       East is East and West is West,
       And never the Twain shall meet,

         —a quotation from Kipling.
       East is East and West is West,  
       And they will never meet,  

         —a quote from Kipling.

They saw the panorama of history file by, a wonderful spectacle which made Oxford a veritable dream of the Middle Ages. The lanes and streets and meadows were thronged with such costumes as Oxford had seen in its long history. History was realized in a manner which no one could appreciate more fully than Mark Twain.

They watched history unfold before them, a breathtaking sight that turned Oxford into a true dream of the Middle Ages. The paths, streets, and fields were filled with costumes that Oxford had witnessed throughout its long history. History came to life in a way that no one could appreciate more than Mark Twain.

“I was particularly anxious to see this pageant,” he said, “so that I could get ideas for my funeral procession, which I am planning on a large scale.”

“I was really eager to see this event,” he said, “so that I could gather ideas for my funeral procession, which I'm planning to be quite elaborate.”

He was not disappointed; it was a realization to him of all the gorgeous spectacles that his soul had dreamed from youth up.

He wasn't disappointed; it was a moment of realization for him about all the beautiful sights his soul had dreamed of since he was young.

He easily recognized the great characters of history as they passed by, and he was recognized by them in turn; for they waved to him and bowed and sometimes called his name, and when he went down out of his box, by and by, Henry VIII. shook hands with him, a monarch he had always detested, though he was full of friendship for him now; and Charles I. took off his broad, velvet-plumed hat when they met, and Henry II. and Rosamond and Queen Elizabeth all saluted him—ghosts of the dead centuries.

He easily recognized the great figures of history as they passed by, and they recognized him in return; they waved at him, bowed, and sometimes called his name. When he eventually came down from his box, Henry VIII shook hands with him, a king he had always disliked, though he felt a sense of friendship for him now. Charles I took off his wide, velvet-plumed hat when they met, and Henry II, Rosamond, and Queen Elizabeth all greeted him—ghosts from centuries past.





CCLIX. LONDON SOCIAL HONORS

We may not detail all the story of that English visit; even the path of glory leads to monotony at last. We may only mention a few more of the great honors paid to our unofficial ambassador to the world: among them a dinner given to members of the Savage Club by the Lord Mayor of London at the Mansion House, also a dinner given by the American Society at the Hotel Cecil in honor of the Fourth of July. Clemens was the guest of honor, and responded to the toast given by Ambassador Reid, “The Day we Celebrate.” He made an amusing and not altogether unserious reference to the American habit of exploding enthusiasm in dangerous fireworks.

We won’t go into all the details of that English visit; even paths to glory can get monotonous eventually. We’ll just mention a few more of the significant honors given to our unofficial ambassador to the world: one being a dinner hosted for members of the Savage Club by the Lord Mayor of London at the Mansion House, and another dinner thrown by the American Society at the Hotel Cecil to celebrate the Fourth of July. Clemens was the guest of honor and responded to the toast given by Ambassador Reid, “The Day We Celebrate.” He made a funny and somewhat serious comment about the American tendency to express enthusiasm with dangerous fireworks.

To English colonists he gave credit for having established American independence, and closed:

To English colonists, he credited them with establishing American independence and concluded:

    We have, however, one Fourth of July which is absolutely our own,
    and that is the memorable proclamation issued forty years ago by
    that great American to whom Sir Mortimer Durand paid that just and
    beautiful tribute—Abraham Lincoln: a proclamation which not only
    set the black slave free, but set his white owner free also. The
    owner was set free from that burden and offense, that sad condition
    of things where he was in so many instances a master and owner of
    slaves when he did not want to be. That proclamation set them all
    free. But even in this matter England led the way, for she had set
    her slaves free thirty years before, and we but followed her
    example. We always follow her example, whether it is good or bad.
    And it was an English judge, a century ago, that issued that other
    great proclamation, and established that great principle, that when
    a slave, let him belong to whom he may, and let him come whence he
    may, sets his foot upon English soil his fetters, by that act, fall
    away and he is a free man before the world!

    It is true, then, that all our Fourths of July, and we have five of
    them, England gave to us, except that one that I have mentioned—the
    Emancipation Proclamation; and let us not forget that we owe this
    debt to her. Let us be able to say to old England, this great-
    hearted, venerable old mother of the race, you gave us our Fourths
    of July, that we love and that we honor and revere; you gave us the
    Declaration of Independence, which is the charter of our rights;
    you, the venerable Mother of Liberties, the Champion and Protector
    of Anglo-Saxon Freedom—you gave us these things, and we do most
    honestly thank you for them.
    We have, however, one Fourth of July that is truly ours, and that is the memorable proclamation made forty years ago by that great American to whom Sir Mortimer Durand paid a fitting and beautiful tribute—Abraham Lincoln: a proclamation that not only freed the black slave but also liberated his white owner. The owner was freed from the burden and disgrace of being a master and owner of slaves when he didn't want to be. That proclamation set everyone free. But even in this, England led the way, having freed her slaves thirty years earlier, and we simply followed her example. We always follow her lead, whether it’s good or bad. It was an English judge, a century ago, who issued that other great proclamation and established the principle that when a slave—no matter who they belong to or where they come from—sets foot on English soil, their chains fall away and they are a free person before the world!

    So, it’s true that all our Fourths of July, and we have five of them, were given to us by England, except for the one I just mentioned—the Emancipation Proclamation; and let’s not forget that we owe this debt to her. Let us be able to say to old England, this great-hearted, venerable mother of our race, you gave us our Fourths of July, which we love and honor; you gave us the Declaration of Independence, the charter of our rights; you, the venerable Mother of Liberties, the Champion and Protector of Anglo-Saxon Freedom—you gave us these things, and we sincerely thank you for them.

It was at this dinner that he characteristically confessed, at last, to having stolen the Ascot Cup.

It was at this dinner that he finally admitted, as he usually did, to having stolen the Ascot Cup.

He lunched one day with Bernard Shaw, and the two discussed the philosophies in which they were mutually interested. Shaw regarded Clemens as a sociologist before all else, and gave it out with great frankness that America had produced just two great geniuses—Edgar Allan Poe and Mark Twain. Later Shaw wrote him a note, in which he said:

He had lunch one day with Bernard Shaw, and the two discussed the philosophies they both found interesting. Shaw saw Clemens primarily as a sociologist and boldly stated that America had produced only two great geniuses—Edgar Allan Poe and Mark Twain. Later, Shaw wrote him a note that said:

I am persuaded that the future historian of America will find your works as indispensable to him as a French historian finds the political tracts of Voltaire. I tell you so because I am the author of a play in which a priest says, “Telling the truth's the funniest joke in the world,” a piece of wisdom which you helped to teach me.

I believe the future historian of America will find your works just as essential as a French historian finds the political writings of Voltaire. I mention this because I wrote a play where a priest says, “Telling the truth's the funniest joke in the world,” a piece of wisdom you helped me learn.

Clemens saw a great deal of Moberly Bell. The two lunched and dined privately together when there was opportunity, and often met at the public gatherings.

Clemens spent a lot of time with Moberly Bell. They often had lunch and dinner together when they could, and frequently met at public events.

The bare memorandum of the week following July Fourth will convey something of Mark Twain's London activities:

The simple record of the week after July Fourth will share some of Mark Twain's activities in London:

    Friday, July 5. Dined with Lord and Lady Portsmouth.

    Saturday, July 6. Breakfasted at Lord Avebury's. Lord Kelvin, Sir
    Charles Lyell, and Sir Archibald Geikie were there. Sat 22 times
    for photos, 16 at Histed's. Savage Club dinner in the evening.
    White suit. Ascot Cup.

    Sunday, July 7. Called on Lady Langattock and others. Lunched with
    Sir Norman Lockyer.

    Monday, July 8. Lunched with Plasmon directors at Bath Club. Dined
    privately at C. F. Moberly Bell's.

    Tuesday, July 9. Lunched at the House with Sir Benjamin Stone.
    Balfour and Komura were the other guests of honor. Punch dinner in
    the evening. Joy Agnew and the cartoon.

    Wednesday, July 10. Went to Liverpool with Tay Pay. Attended
    banquet in the Town Hall in the evening.

    Thursday, July 11. Returned to London with Tay Pay. Calls in the
    afternoon.
    Friday, July 5. Had dinner with Lord and Lady Portsmouth.

    Saturday, July 6. Had breakfast at Lord Avebury's. Lord Kelvin, Sir Charles Lyell, and Sir Archibald Geikie were there. Sat for photos 22 times, 16 at Histed's. Savage Club dinner in the evening. Wore a white suit. Ascot Cup.

    Sunday, July 7. Visited Lady Langattock and others. Had lunch with Sir Norman Lockyer.

    Monday, July 8. Had lunch with Plasmon directors at the Bath Club. Had a private dinner at C. F. Moberly Bell's.

    Tuesday, July 9. Had lunch at the House with Sir Benjamin Stone. Balfour and Komura were the other guests of honor. Had a Punch dinner in the evening. Joy Agnew and the cartoon.

    Wednesday, July 10. Went to Liverpool with Tay Pay. Attended a banquet at the Town Hall in the evening.

    Thursday, July 11. Returned to London with Tay Pay. Made calls in the afternoon.

The Savage Club would inevitably want to entertain him on its own account, and their dinner of July 6th was a handsome, affair. He felt at home with the Savages, and put on white for the only time publicly in England. He made them one of his reminiscent speeches, recalling his association with them on his first visit to London, thirty-seven years before. Then he said:

The Savage Club definitely wanted to host him, and their dinner on July 6th was a grand event. He felt comfortable with the Savages and wore white for the only time publicly in England. He gave them one of his nostalgic speeches, reminiscing about his first visit to London thirty-seven years earlier. Then he said:

    That is a long time ago, and as I had come into a very strange land,
    and was with friends, as I could see, that has always remained in my
    mind as a peculiarly blessed evening, since it brought me into
    contact with men of my own kind and my own feelings. I am glad to
    be here, and to see you all, because it is very likely that I shall
    not see you again. I have been received, as you know, in the most
    delightfully generous way in England ever since I came here. It
    keeps me choked up all the time. Everybody is so generous, and they
    do seem to give you such a hearty welcome. Nobody in the world can
    appreciate it higher than I do.
That was a long time ago, and since I arrived in this strange place, being with friends has always stuck with me as a uniquely special evening because it connected me with people who share my feelings and experiences. I'm really happy to be here and to see all of you because it's highly unlikely that I will get to see you again. As you know, I've been welcomed in the most wonderfully generous way in England ever since I got here. It leaves me feeling overwhelmed all the time. Everyone is so generous, and they genuinely give you such a warm welcome. No one in the world can appreciate it more than I do.

The club gave him a surprise in the course of the evening. A note was sent to him accompanied by a parcel, which, when opened, proved to contain a gilded plaster replica of the Ascot Gold Cup. The note said:

The club surprised him that evening. They sent him a note along with a package, which, when he opened it, turned out to have a golden plaster replica of the Ascot Gold Cup. The note said:

    Dere Mark, i return the Cup. You couldn't keep your mouth shut
    about it. 'Tis 2 pretty 2 melt, as you want me 2; nest time I work
    a pinch ile have a pard who don't make after-dinner speeches.
    Dere Mark, I return the Cup. You couldn't keep quiet about it. It's too pretty to melt, as you want me to; next time I work a little, I'll have a partner who doesn't make after-dinner speeches.

There was a postcript which said: “I changed the acorn atop for another nut with my knife.” The acorn was, in fact, replaced by a well-modeled head of Mark Twain.

There was a postscript that said: “I replaced the acorn on top with another nut using my knife.” The acorn was actually swapped out for a well-crafted head of Mark Twain.

So, after all, the Ascot Cup would be one of the trophies which he would bear home with him across the Atlantic.

So, in the end, the Ascot Cup would be one of the trophies he would take home with him across the Atlantic.

Probably the most valued of his London honors was the dinner given to him by the staff of Punch. Punch had already saluted him with a front-page cartoon by Bernard Partridge, a picture in which the presiding genius of that paper, Mr. Punch himself, presents him with a glass of the patronymic beverage with the words, “Sir, I honor myself by drinking your health. Long life to you—and happiness—and perpetual youth!”

Probably the most cherished of his London accolades was the dinner held in his honor by the staff of Punch. Punch had already recognized him with a front-page cartoon by Bernard Partridge, featuring Mr. Punch himself, the iconic figure of the magazine, presenting him with a glass of the signature drink, saying, “Sir, I honor myself by drinking your health. Wishing you a long life—and happiness—and eternal youth!”

Mr. Agnew, chief editor; Linley Sambourne, Francis Burnand, Henry Lucy, and others of the staff welcomed him at the Punch offices at 10 Bouverie Street, in the historic Punch dining-room where Thackeray had sat, and Douglas Jerrold, and so many of the great departed. Mark Twain was the first foreign visitor to be so honored—in fifty years the first stranger to sit at the sacred board—a mighty distinction. In the course of the dinner they gave him a pretty surprise, when little joy Agnew presented him with the original drawing of Partridge's cartoon.

Mr. Agnew, the editor-in-chief; Linley Sambourne, Francis Burnand, Henry Lucy, and other staff members greeted him at the Punch offices on 10 Bouverie Street, in the historic Punch dining room where Thackeray and Douglas Jerrold, among many other great figures, had sat. Mark Twain was the first foreign guest to receive such an honor—in fifty years, he was the first outsider to sit at the revered table—a significant distinction. During dinner, they surprised him with a lovely gift when little joy Agnew presented him with the original drawing of Partridge's cartoon.

Nothing could have appealed to him more, and the Punch dinner, with its associations and that dainty presentation, remained apart in his memory from all other feastings.

Nothing could have intrigued him more, and the Punch dinner, with its connections and that elegant presentation, stood out in his memory from all other meals.

Clemens had intended to return early in July, but so much was happening that he postponed his sailing until the 13th. Before leaving America, he had declined a dinner offered by the Lord Mayor of Liverpool.

Clemens planned to go back early in July, but with everything going on, he pushed his trip to the 13th. Before leaving America, he turned down a dinner invitation from the Lord Mayor of Liverpool.

Repeatedly urged to let Liverpool share in his visit, he had reconsidered now, and on the day following the Punch dinner, on July 10th, they carried him, with T. P. O'Connor (Tay Pay) in the Prince of Wales's special coach to Liverpool, to be guest of honor at the reception and banquet which Lord Mayor Japp tendered him at the Town Hall. Clemens was too tired to be present while the courses were being served, but arrived rested and fresh to respond to his toast. Perhaps because it was his farewell speech in England, he made that night the most effective address of his four weeks' visit—one of the most effective of his whole career: He began by some light reference to the Ascot Cup and the Dublin Jewels and the State Regalia, and other disappearances that had been laid to his charge, to amuse his hearers, and spoke at greater length than usual, and with even greater variety. Then laying all levity aside, he told them, like the Queen of Sheba, all that was in his heart.

Repeatedly encouraged to let Liverpool be part of his visit, he had thought it over and, on the day after the Punch dinner, July 10th, they took him, along with T. P. O'Connor (Tay Pay), in the Prince of Wales's special coach to Liverpool, where he was the guest of honor at the reception and banquet hosted by Lord Mayor Japp at the Town Hall. Clemens was too tired to attend while the courses were served but arrived feeling rested and ready to give his speech. Perhaps because it was his farewell speech in England, he delivered the most impactful address of his four-week visit—one of the strongest of his entire career: He started with some light mentions of the Ascot Cup, the Dublin Jewels, the State Regalia, and other disappearances that had been blamed on him to entertain his audience, and spoke longer than usual, with even more variety. Then putting all jokes aside, he shared, like the Queen of Sheba, everything that was on his mind.

   ... Home is dear to us all, and now I am departing to my own
    home beyond the ocean. Oxford has conferred upon me the highest
    honor that has ever fallen to my share of this life's prizes. It is
    the very one I would have chosen, as outranking all and any others,
    the one more precious to me than any and all others within the gift
    of man or state. During my four weeks' sojourn in England I have
    had another lofty honor, a continuous honor, an honor which has
    flowed serenely along, without halt or obstruction, through all
    these twenty-six days, a most moving and pulse-stirring honor—the
    heartfelt grip of the hand, and the welcome that does not descend
    from the pale-gray matter of the brain, but rushes up with the red
    blood from the heart. It makes me proud and sometimes it makes me
    humble, too. Many and many a year ago I gathered an incident from
    Dana's Two Years Before the Mast. It was like this: There was a
    presumptuous little self-important skipper in a coasting sloop
    engaged in the dried-apple and kitchen-furniture trade, and he was
    always hailing every ship that came in sight. He did it just to
    hear himself talk and to air his small grandeur. One day a majestic
    Indiaman came plowing by with course on course of canvas towering
    into the sky, her decks and yards swarming with sailors, her hull
    burdened to the Plimsoll line with a rich freightage of precious
    spices, lading the breezes with gracious and mysterious odors of the
    Orient. It was a noble spectacle, a sublime spectacle! Of course
    the little skipper popped into the shrouds and squeaked out a hail,
    “Ship ahoy! What ship is that? And whence and whither?” In a deep
    and thunderous bass the answer came back through the speaking-
    trumpet, “The Begum, of Bengal—142 days out from Canton—homeward
    bound! What ship is that?” Well, it just crushed that poor little
    creature's vanity flat, and he squeaked back most humbly, “Only the
    Mary Ann, fourteen hours out from Boston, bound for Kittery Point
    —with nothing to speak of!” Oh, what an eloquent word that “only,”
     to express the depths of his humbleness! That is just my case.
    During just one hour in the twenty-four—not more—I pause and
    reflect in the stillness of the night with the echoes of your
    English welcome still lingering in my ears, and then I am humble.
    Then I am properly meek, and for that little while I am only the
    Mary Ann, fourteen hours out, cargoed with vegetables and tinware;
    but during all the other twenty-three hours my vain self-complacency
    rides high on the white crests of your approval, and then I am a
    stately Indiaman, plowing the great seas under a cloud of canvas and
    laden with the kindest words that have ever been vouchsafed to any
    wandering alien in this world, I think; then my twenty-six fortunate
    days on this old mother soil seem to be multiplied by six, and I am
    the Begum, of Bengal, 142 days out from Canton—homeward bound!
... Home is precious to all of us, and now I am heading to my own home across the ocean. Oxford has given me the greatest honor that has ever come my way in this life. It's the one I would have chosen above all others, more valuable to me than anything that anyone could award me. During my four weeks in England, I've experienced another significant honor, a continuous honor that has flowed smoothly without interruption for all these twenty-six days—a deeply moving and stirring honor—the warm handshake and the welcome that comes not from the brain but rushes up from the heart. It makes me proud, and sometimes it makes me humble, too. Many years ago, I came across a story from Dana's *Two Years Before the Mast.* It went like this: There was a cocky little captain of a coastal sloop involved in the dried-apple and kitchen-furniture trade, and he was always hailing every ship he saw, just to hear himself talk and show off his little bit of importance. One day, a grand Indiaman sailed by with sails towering into the sky, her decks bustling with sailors, and her hull packed to the Plimsoll line with a rich cargo of precious spices, filling the air with lovely and mysterious scents from the East. It was a magnificent sight! Of course, the little captain scurried up into the rigging and squeaked out a hail, “Ship ahoy! What ship is that? Where are you coming from and where are you going?” The deep, booming response came back through the speaking trumpet, “The Begum, of Bengal—142 days out from Canton—homeward bound! What ship is that?” That poor little man's pride was completely crushed, and he humbly replied, “Just the Mary Ann, fourteen hours out from Boston, headed for Kittery Point—with nothing special!” Oh, how eloquent that word “only” is to express his humility! That’s exactly how I feel. For just one hour out of the twenty-four—not more—I pause and reflect in the quiet of the night with the echoes of your warm welcome still ringing in my ears, and then I feel humble. In that moment, I am just the Mary Ann, fourteen hours out, carrying vegetables and tinware; but for the other twenty-three hours, my self-satisfaction soars high on the waves of your approval, and I feel like a grand Indiaman, sailing the vast seas under a canopy of canvas and filled with the kindest words ever offered to any wandering stranger in this world, I believe; then my twenty-six lucky days on this ancient mother soil seem to multiply by six, and I become the Begum, of Bengal, 142 days out from Canton—homeward bound!

He returned to London, and with one of his young acquaintances, an American—he called her Francesca—paid many calls. It took the dreariness out of that social function to perform it in that way. With a list of the calls they were to make they drove forth each day to cancel the social debt. They paid calls in every walk of life. His young companion was privileged to see the inside of London homes of almost every class, for he showed no partiality; he went to the homes of the poor and the rich alike. One day they visited the home of an old bookkeeper whom he had known in 1872 as a clerk in a large establishment, earning a salary of perhaps a pound a week, who now had risen mightily, for he had become head bookkeeper in that establishment on a salary of six pounds a week, and thought it great prosperity and fortune for his old age.

He returned to London and, along with one of his young friends, an American he referred to as Francesca, went on many visits. It made that social obligation much less dreary to do it this way. With a list of calls they were supposed to make, they set out each day to fulfill their social duties. They visited homes across all walks of life. His young companion had the chance to see inside London homes of nearly every class, as he showed no bias; he visited both the homes of the wealthy and the less fortunate. One day, they went to see an old bookkeeper whom he had known back in 1872 when he was a clerk in a big company, earning around a pound a week. Now, he had risen significantly, becoming the head bookkeeper at that same company, making six pounds a week, which he considered a great success and fortune for his older years.

He sailed on July 13th for home, besought to the last moment by a crowd of autograph-seekers and reporters and photographers, and a multitude who only wished to see him and to shout and wave good-by. He was sailing away from them for the last time. They hoped he would make a speech, but that would not have been possible. To the reporters he gave a farewell message: “It has been the most enjoyable holiday I have ever had, and I am sorry the end of it has come. I have met a hundred, old friends, and I have made a hundred new ones. It is a good kind of riches to have; there is none better, I think.” And the London Tribune declared that “the ship that bore him away had difficulty in getting clear, so thickly was the water strewn with the bay-leaves of his triumph. For Mark Twain has triumphed, and in his all-too-brief stay of a month has done more for the cause of the world's peace than will be accomplished by the Hague Conference. He has made the world laugh again.”

He set sail for home on July 13th, surrounded until the very end by a crowd of fans, reporters, photographers, and many who just wanted to see him and shout and wave goodbye. This was his last departure from them. They hoped he would give a speech, but that wasn’t going to happen. He shared a farewell message with the reporters: “This has been the best holiday I've ever had, and I'm sad to see it end. I've reconnected with a hundred old friends and made a hundred new ones. That's a kind of wealth that’s hard to beat.” The London Tribune noted that “the ship carrying him away struggled to get free, as the water was filled with the bay leaves of his success. Mark Twain has triumphed, and during his too-brief month here, he has done more for world peace than the Hague Conference could accomplish. He has made the world laugh again.”

His ship was the Minnetonka, and there were some little folks aboard to be adopted as grandchildren. On July 5th, in a fog, the Minnetonka collided with the bark Sterling, and narrowly escaped sinking her. On the whole, however, the homeward way was clear, and the vessel reached New York nearly a day in advance of their schedule. Some ceremonies of welcome had been prepared for him; but they were upset by the early arrival, so that when he descended the gang-plank to his native soil only a few who had received special information were there to greet him. But perhaps he did not notice it. He seldom took account of the absence of such things. By early afternoon, however, the papers rang with the announcement that Mark Twain was home again.

His ship was the Minnetonka, and there were some kids on board to be adopted as grandchildren. On July 5th, in a fog, the Minnetonka collided with the bark Sterling and nearly sank it. Overall, though, the trip back home was clear, and the vessel arrived in New York almost a day ahead of schedule. Some welcome ceremonies had been planned for him, but they were disrupted by the early arrival, so when he stepped off the gangplank onto his home soil, only a few who had received special notice were there to greet him. But maybe he didn't mind. He usually overlooked the absence of such things. By early afternoon, though, the newspapers were buzzing with the news that Mark Twain was home again.

It is a sorrow to me that I was not at the dock to welcome him. I had been visiting in Elmira, and timed my return for the evening of the a 2d, to be on hand the following morning, when the ship was due. When I saw the announcement that he had already arrived I called a greeting over the telephone, and was told to come down and play billiards. I confess I went with a certain degree of awe, for one could not but be overwhelmed with the echoes of the great splendor he had so recently achieved, and I prepared to sit a good way off in silence, and hear something of the tale of this returning conqueror; but when I arrived he was already in the billiard-room knocking the balls about—his coat off, for it was a hot night. As I entered he said:

I'm really sorry that I wasn't at the dock to welcome him. I had been visiting in Elmira and planned my return for the evening of the 2nd so I could be there the next morning when the ship was due. When I saw the announcement that he had already arrived, I called to say hi over the phone and was invited to come down and play billiards. I admit I went with a bit of nervousness because it’s hard not to feel the weight of the amazing success he had just achieved, and I thought I’d sit quietly from a distance and hear about the adventures of this returning champion. But when I got there, he was already in the billiard room, playing with the balls—his coat off since it was a hot night. As I walked in, he said:

“Get your cue. I have been inventing a new game.” And I think there were scarcely ten words exchanged before we were at it. The pageant was over; the curtain was rung down. Business was resumed at the old stand.

“Grab your cue. I’ve come up with a new game.” And I think there were barely ten words exchanged before we got started. The show was over; the curtain was closed. Business picked up right where it left off.





CCLX. MATTERS PSYCHIC AND OTHERWISE

He returned to Tuxedo and took up his dictations, and mingled freely with the social life; but the contrast between his recent London experience and his semi-retirement must have been very great. When I visited him now and then, he seemed to me lonely—not especially for companionship, but rather for the life that lay behind him—the great career which in a sense now had been completed since he had touched its highest point. There was no billiard-table at Tuxedo, and he spoke expectantly of getting back to town and the games there, also of the new home which was then building in Redding, and which would have a billiard-room where we could assemble daily—my own habitation being not far away. Various diversions were planned for Redding; among them was discussed a possible school of philosophy, such as Hawthorne and Emerson and Alcott had established at Concord.

He returned to Tuxedo and resumed his dictations, mingling easily with social life; however, the contrast between his recent experiences in London and his semi-retirement must have felt vast. When I visited him occasionally, he seemed lonely—not necessarily for company, but more for the life that he had left behind—the impressive career that had, in a way, come to a close since he had reached its highest point. There was no billiard table at Tuxedo, and he spoke eagerly about getting back to the city and the games there, along with the new home being built in Redding, which would have a billiard room where we could gather daily—my own place being not far away. Various activities were planned for Redding; among them was the idea of a possible school of philosophy, like the one Hawthorne, Emerson, and Alcott had set up in Concord.

He spoke quite freely of his English experiences, but usually of the more amusing phases. He almost never referred to the honors that had been paid to him, yet he must have thought of them sometimes, and cherished them, for it had been the greatest national tribute ever paid to a private citizen; he must have known that in his heart. He spoke amusingly of his visit to Marie Corelli, in Stratford, and of the Holy Grail incident, ending the latter by questioning—in words at least—all psychic manifestations. I said to him:

He talked openly about his experiences in England, mostly sharing the funnier moments. He hardly ever mentioned the honors he received, but he must have thought about them now and then and held them dear, as they were the biggest national tribute ever given to a private citizen; he had to know that deep down. He humorously recounted his visit to Marie Corelli in Stratford and the Holy Grail incident, concluding the latter by questioning—at least in words—all psychic phenomena. I said to him:

“But remember your own dream, Mr. Clemens, which presaged the death of your brother.”

“But remember your own dream, Mr. Clemens, which predicted your brother's death.”

He answered: “I ask nobody to believe that it ever happened. To me it is true; but it has no logical right to be true, and I do not expect belief in it.” Which I thought a peculiar point of view, but on the whole characteristic.

He replied, “I don’t expect anyone to believe that it actually happened. To me, it’s true; but it doesn’t have any logical basis for being true, and I don’t expect anyone to believe it.” I found this to be a strange perspective, but overall, it seemed typical for him.

He was invited to be a special guest at the Jamestown Exposition on Fulton Day, in September, and Mr. Rogers lent him his yacht in which to make the trip. It was a break in the summer's monotonies, and the Jamestown honors must have reminded him of those in London. When he entered the auditorium where the services were to be held there was a demonstration which lasted more than five minutes. Every person in the hall rose and cheered, waving handkerchiefs and umbrellas. He made them a brief, amusing talk on Fulton and other matters, then introduced Admiral Harrington, who delivered a masterly address and was followed by Martin W. Littleton, the real orator of the day. Littleton acquitted himself so notably that Mark Twain conceived for him a deep admiration, and the two men quickly became friends. They saw each other often during the remainder of the Jamestown stay, and Clemens, learning that Littleton lived just across Ninth Street from him in New York, invited him to come over when he had an evening to spare and join the billiard games.

He was invited to be a special guest at the Jamestown Exposition on Fulton Day in September, and Mr. Rogers lent him his yacht for the trip. It was a nice change from the summer's routine, and the honors at Jamestown must have reminded him of those in London. When he entered the auditorium where the ceremonies were to take place, there was a demonstration that lasted over five minutes. Everyone in the hall stood up and cheered, waving handkerchiefs and umbrellas. He gave them a brief, entertaining talk about Fulton and other topics, then introduced Admiral Harrington, who delivered an impressive speech, followed by Martin W. Littleton, the true orator of the day. Littleton performed so well that Mark Twain developed a deep admiration for him, and they quickly became friends. They spent a lot of time together for the rest of the Jamestown visit, and after discovering that Littleton lived just across Ninth Street from him in New York, Clemens invited him to come over anytime he had an evening free to join the billiard games.

So it happened, somewhat later, when every one was back in town, Mr. and Mrs. Littleton frequently came over for billiards, and the games became three-handed with an audience—very pleasant games played in that way. Clemens sometimes set himself up as umpire, and became critic and gave advice, while Littleton and I played. He had a favorite shot that he frequently used himself and was always wanting us to try, which was to drive the ball to the cushion at the beginning of the shot.

So, it happened a little later, when everyone was back in town, that Mr. and Mrs. Littleton often came over to play billiards, and the games turned into three-player matches with an audience—very enjoyable games played that way. Clemens sometimes took on the role of umpire, acting as a critic and giving advice while Littleton and I played. He had a favorite shot he used a lot and was always encouraging us to try, which involved driving the ball to the cushion at the start of the shot.

He played it with a good deal of success, and achieved unexpected results with it. He was even inspired to write a poem on the subject.

He played it pretty successfully and achieved surprising results with it. He was even inspired to write a poem about it.

              “CUSHION FIRST”

       When all your days are dark with doubt,
       And dying hope is at its worst;
       When all life's balls are scattered wide,
       With not a shot in sight, to left or right,
       Don't give it up;
       Advance your cue and shut your eyes,
       And take the cushion first.
              “CUSHION FIRST”

       When all your days are filled with uncertainty,
       And dwindling hope feels at its lowest;
       When all of life's chances are spread out far,
       With no clear path ahead, to either side,
       Don't give up;
       Pick up your cue and close your eyes,
       And go for the cushion first.

The Harry Thaw trial was in progress just then, and Littleton was Thaw's chief attorney. It was most interesting to hear from him direct the day's proceedings and his views of the situation and of Thaw.

The Harry Thaw trial was happening at that time, and Littleton was Thaw's main lawyer. It was really interesting to hear him share the details of the day's proceedings and his thoughts on the situation and Thaw.

Littleton and billiards recall a curious thing which happened one afternoon. I had been absent the evening before, and Littleton had been over. It was after luncheon now, and Clemens and I began preparing for the customary games. We were playing then a game with four balls, two white and two red. I began by placing the red balls on the table, and then went around looking in the pockets for the two white cue-balls. When I had made the round of the table I had found but one white ball. I thought I must have overlooked the other, and made the round again. Then I said:

Littleton and billiards remind me of a strange thing that happened one afternoon. I had been out the night before, and Littleton had come over. It was after lunch now, and Clemens and I started getting ready for our usual games. We were playing a game with four balls—two white and two red. I started by putting the red balls on the table, then went around checking the pockets for the two white cue balls. After going around the table, I found only one white ball. I figured I must have missed the other one, so I went around again. Then I said:

“There is one white ball missing.”

"One white ball is missing."

Clemens, to satisfy himself, also made the round of the pockets, and said:

Clemens, wanting to be sure, also checked the pockets and said:

“It was here last night.” He felt in the pockets of the little white-silk coat which he usually wore, thinking that he might unconsciously have placed it there at the end of the last game, but his coat pockets were empty.

“It was here last night.” He checked the pockets of the little white silk coat he usually wore, thinking that he might have unconsciously put it there at the end of the last game, but his coat pockets were empty.

He said: “I'll bet Littleton carried that ball home with him.”

He said, “I bet Littleton took that ball home with him.”

Then I suggested that near the end of the game it might have jumped off the table, and I looked carefully under the furniture and in the various corners, but without success. There was another set of balls, and out of it I selected a white one for our play, and the game began. It went along in the usual way, the balls constantly falling into the pockets, and as constantly being replaced on the table. This had continued for perhaps half an hour, there being no pocket that had not been frequently occupied and emptied during that time; but then it happened that Clemens reached into the middle pocket, and taking out a white ball laid it in place, whereupon we made the discovery that three white balls lay upon the table. The one just taken from the pocket was the missing ball. We looked at each other, both at first too astonished to say anything at all. No one had been in the room since we began to play, and at no time during the play had there been more than two white balls in evidence, though the pockets had been emptied at the end of each shot. The pocket from which the missing ball had been taken had been filled and emptied again and again. Then Clemens said:

Then I suggested that toward the end of the game, it might have bounced off the table, so I searched carefully under the furniture and in the corners, but I found nothing. There was another set of balls, and from it, I picked a white one for us to use, and the game started. It went on as usual, with the balls constantly going into the pockets and being replaced on the table. This went on for about half an hour, with no pocket that hadn’t been frequently filled and emptied during that time; but then Clemens reached into the middle pocket, took out a white ball, and placed it back on the table, and that’s when we discovered that three white balls were on the table. The one he just took from the pocket was the missing ball. We looked at each other, both initially too shocked to say anything. No one had been in the room since we started playing, and at no point during the game had there been more than two white balls visible, even though the pockets had been emptied after each shot. The pocket from which the missing ball was taken had been filled and emptied over and over again. Then Clemens said:

“We must be dreaming.”

"We have to be dreaming."

We stopped the game for a while to discuss it, but we could devise no material explanation. I suggested the kobold—that mischievous invisible which is supposed to play pranks by carrying off such things as pencils, letters, and the like, and suddenly restoring them almost before one's eyes. Clemens, who, in spite of his material logic, was always a mystic at heart, said:

We paused the game for a bit to talk it over, but we couldn’t come up with any solid explanation. I mentioned the kobold—that mischievous invisible creature that’s thought to pull pranks by snatching items like pencils and letters, only to return them just as quickly. Clemens, who, despite his practical reasoning, was always a bit of a mystic inside, said:

“But that, so far as I know, has never happened to more than one person at a time, and has been explained by a sort of temporary mental blindness. This thing has happened to two of us, and there can be no question as to the positive absence of the object.”

“But as far as I know, that's only happened to one person at a time, and it's been explained as a kind of temporary mental blindness. This has happened to both of us, and there's no doubt about the complete absence of the object.”

“How about dematerialization?”

“How about digital transformation?”

“Yes, if one of us were a medium that might be considered an explanation.”

“Yes, if one of us were a medium, that might be seen as an explanation.”

He went on to recall that Sir Alfred Russel Wallace had written of such things, and cited instances which Wallace had recorded. In the end he said:

He remembered that Sir Alfred Russel Wallace had written about things like this and mentioned examples that Wallace had noted. In the end, he said:

“Well, it happened, that's all we can say, and nobody can ever convince me that it didn't.”

"Well, it happened, that's all we can say, and no one can ever convince me that it didn't."

We went on playing, and the ball remained solid and substantial ever after, so far as I know.

We kept playing, and the ball stayed solid and sturdy as far as I know.

I am reminded of two more or less related incidents of this period. Clemens was, one morning, dictating something about his Christian Union article concerning Mrs. Clemens's government of children, published in 1885. I had discovered no copy of it among the materials, and he was wishing very much that he could see one. Somewhat later, as he was walking down Fifth Avenue, the thought of this article and his desire for it suddenly entered his mind. Reaching the corner of Forty-second Street, he stopped a moment to let a jam of vehicles pass. As he did so a stranger crossed the street, noticed him, and came dodging his way through the blockade and thrust some clippings into his hand.

I remember two related incidents from this time. One morning, Clemens was dictating something about his article for Christian Union regarding how Mrs. Clemens managed their children, which was published in 1885. I hadn't found a copy of it among the materials, and he really wanted to see one. Later, while he was walking down Fifth Avenue, he suddenly thought about this article and his desire for it. When he reached the corner of Forty-second Street, he paused for a moment to let a bunch of vehicles pass. As he stood there, a stranger crossed the street, noticed him, and hurried through the traffic to hand him some clippings.

“Mr. Clemens,” he said, “you don't know me, but here is something you may wish to have. I have been saving them for more than twenty years, and this morning it occurred to me to send them to you. I was going to mail them from my office, but now I will give them to you,” and with a word or two he disappeared. The clippings were from the Christian Union of 1885, and were the much-desired article. Clemens regarded it as a remarkable case of mental telegraphy.

“Mr. Clemens,” he said, “you don't know me, but I have something you might want. I've been saving these for over twenty years, and this morning it hit me to send them your way. I was going to mail them from my office, but now I’ll just give them to you,” and with a few brief words, he was gone. The clippings were from the Christian Union of 1885, and they contained the much-sought-after article. Clemens saw it as an impressive case of mental telepathy.

“Or, if it wasn't that,” he said, “it was a most remarkable coincidence.”

“Or, if it wasn't that,” he said, “it was an amazing coincidence.”

The other circumstance has been thought amusing. I had gone to Redding for a few days, and while there, one afternoon about five o'clock, fell over a coal-scuttle and scarified myself a good deal between the ankle and the knee. I mention the hour because it seems important. Next morning I received a note, prompted by Mr. Clemens, in which he said:

The other situation was considered funny. I had gone to Redding for a few days, and while there one afternoon around five o'clock, I tripped over a coal bucket and injured myself pretty badly between my ankle and knee. I mention the time because it feels significant. The next morning, I got a note, encouraged by Mr. Clemens, in which he said:

Tell Paine I am sorry he fell and skinned his shin at five o'clock yesterday afternoon.

Tell Paine I'm sorry he fell and scraped his shin at five o'clock yesterday afternoon.

I was naturally astonished, and immediately wrote:

I was really surprised and quickly wrote:

I did fall and skin my shin at five o'clock yesterday afternoon, but how did you find it out?

I fell and scraped my shin at five o'clock yesterday afternoon, but how did you find out?

I followed the letter in person next day, and learned that at the same hour on the same afternoon Clemens himself had fallen up the front steps and, as he said, peeled off from his “starboard shin a ribbon of skin three inches long.” The disaster was still uppermost in his mind at the time of writing, and the suggestion of my own mishap had flashed out for no particular reason.

I went to deliver the letter in person the next day and found out that at the same time that afternoon, Clemens had tripped on the front steps and, as he put it, peeled a three-inch strip of skin off his "starboard shin." The accident was still fresh in his mind when he wrote that, and my own little mishap had come to mind for no specific reason.

Clemens was always having his fortune told, in one way or another, being superstitious, as he readily confessed, though at times professing little faith in these prognostics. Once when a clairvoyant, of whom he had never even heard, and whom he had reason to believe was ignorant of his family history, told him more about it than he knew himself, besides reading a list of names from a piece of paper which Clemens had concealed in his vest pocket he came home deeply impressed. The clairvoyant added that he would probably live to a great age and die in a foreign land—a prophecy which did not comfort him.

Clemens was always getting his fortune told, in one way or another, being superstitious, as he openly admitted, even though he sometimes claimed to have little faith in these predictions. Once, when a clairvoyant he had never heard of before, and who he had reason to believe knew nothing about his family history, revealed more about it than he knew himself, in addition to reading a list of names from a piece of paper that Clemens had hidden in his vest pocket, he came home very impressed. The clairvoyant also said that he would likely live to an old age and die in a foreign country—a prediction that did not reassure him.





CCLXI. MINOR EVENTS AND DIVERSIONS

Mark Twain was deeply interested during the autumn of 1907 in the Children's Theater of the Jewish Educational Alliance, on the lower East Side—a most worthy institution which ought to have survived. A Miss Alice M. Herts, who developed and directed it, gave her strength and health to build up an institution through which the interest of the children could be diverted from less fortunate amusements. She had interested a great body of Jewish children in the plays of Shakespeare, and of more modern dramatists, and these they had performed from time to time with great success. The admission fee to the performance was ten cents, and the theater was always crowded with other children—certainly a better diversion for them than the amusements of the street, though of course, as a business enterprise, the theater could not pay. It required patrons. Miss Herts obtained permission to play “The Prince and the Pauper,” and Mark Twain agreed to become a sort of chief patron in using his influence to bring together an audience who might be willing to assist financially in this worthy work.

Mark Twain was really interested in the Children's Theater of the Jewish Educational Alliance on the Lower East Side during the fall of 1907—a truly deserving organization that should have lasted. A woman named Alice M. Herts, who developed and directed it, dedicated her strength and health to create a place where children's interests could be directed away from less fortunate activities. She got a large group of Jewish kids excited about the plays of Shakespeare and more modern playwrights, and they performed them from time to time with great success. The ticket price for a show was ten cents, and the theater was always packed with other kids—definitely a better distraction for them than street activities, although it couldn't make a profit as a business. It needed supporters. Miss Herts got permission to stage “The Prince and the Pauper,” and Mark Twain agreed to act as a sort of chief supporter, using his influence to gather an audience who might be willing to give financial support to this important work.

“The Prince and the Pauper” evening turned out a distinguished affair. On the night of November 19, 1907, the hall of the Educational Alliance was crowded with such an audience as perhaps never before assembled on the East Side; the finance and the fashion of New York were there. It was a gala night for the little East Side performers. Behind the curtain they whispered to each other that they were to play before queens. The performance they gave was an astonishing one. So fully did they enter into the spirit of Tom Canty's rise to royalty that they seemed absolutely to forget that they were lowly-born children of the Ghetto. They had become little princesses and lords and maids-in-waiting, and they moved through their pretty tinsel parts as if all their ornaments were gems and their raiment cloth of gold. There was no hesitation, no awkwardness of speech or gesture, and they rose really to sublime heights in the barn scene where the little Prince is in the hands of the mob. Never in the history of the stage has there been assembled a mob more wonderful than that. These children knew mobs! A mob to them was a daily sight, and their reproduction of it was a thing to startle you with its realism. Never was it absurd; never was there a single note of artificiality in it. It was Hogarthian in its bigness.

“The Prince and the Pauper” evening turned out to be a remarkable event. On the night of November 19, 1907, the hall of the Educational Alliance was packed with an audience like never seen before on the East Side; the finance and fashion elite of New York were in attendance. It was a special night for the young performers from the East Side. Backstage, they whispered to one another that they would be performing in front of queens. The show they put on was truly impressive. They got so wrapped up in the story of Tom Canty's rise to royalty that they completely forgot they were just kids from the Ghetto. They transformed into little princesses, lords, and maids-in-waiting, moving through their charming costumes as if their accessories were real gems and their outfits were made of gold. There was no hesitation, no awkwardness in their speech or movements, and they reached remarkable heights in the barn scene where the little Prince is among the crowd. Never before on stage has there been a group as extraordinary as that mob. These kids understood mobs well! A mob was a regular sight for them, and their portrayal of it was truly impressive in its realism. It was never ridiculous; there wasn't a hint of artificiality. It was grand in its scope, reminiscent of Hogarth.

Both Mark Twain and Miss Herts made brief addresses, and the audience shouted approval of their words. It seems a pity that such a project as that must fail, and I do not know why it happened. Wealthy men and women manifested an interest; but there was some hitch somewhere, and the Children's Theater exists to-day only as history.—[In a letter to a Mrs. Amelia Dunne Hookway, who had conducted some children's plays at the Howland School, Chicago, Mark Twain once wrote: “If I were going to begin life over again I would have a children's theater and watch it, and work for it, and see it grow and blossom and bear its rich moral and intellectual fruitage; and I should get more pleasure and a saner and healthier profit out of my vocation than I should ever be able to get out of any other, constituted as I am. Yes, you are easily the most fortunate of women, I think.”]

Both Mark Twain and Miss Herts gave short speeches, and the audience cheered for what they said. It's a shame that such a project had to fail, and I don't know why it did. Wealthy men and women showed interest, but something went wrong, and the Children's Theater exists today only as a part of history.—[In a letter to a Mrs. Amelia Dunne Hookway, who had directed some children's plays at the Howland School in Chicago, Mark Twain once wrote: “If I were going to start my life over again, I would create a children's theater, support it, and see it grow and flourish, producing its rich moral and intellectual benefits; and I would find more joy and a healthier profit in my work than I could ever find in anything else, given who I am. Yes, I believe you are the luckiest of women.”]

It was at a dinner at The Players—a small, private dinner given by Mr. George C. Riggs-that I saw Edward L. Burlingame and Mark Twain for the only time together. They had often met during the forty-two years that had passed since their long-ago Sandwich Island friendship; but only incidentally, for Mr. Burlingame cared not much for great public occasions, and as editor of Scribner's Magazine he had been somewhat out of the line of Mark Twain's literary doings.

It was during a small, private dinner at The Players, hosted by Mr. George C. Riggs, that I saw Edward L. Burlingame and Mark Twain together for the only time. They had crossed paths many times over the forty-two years since their long-ago friendship in the Sandwich Islands, but only in passing, since Mr. Burlingame wasn't really into big public events, and as the editor of Scribner's Magazine, he had been a bit disconnected from Mark Twain's literary activities.

Howells was there, and Gen. Stewart L. Woodford, and David Bispham, John Finley, Evan Shipman, Nicholas Biddle, and David Munro. Clemens told that night, for the first time, the story of General Miles and the three-dollar dog, inventing it, I believe, as he went along, though for the moment it certainly did sound like history. He told it often after that, and it has been included in his book of speeches.

Howells was there, along with Gen. Stewart L. Woodford, David Bispham, John Finley, Evan Shipman, Nicholas Biddle, and David Munro. That night, Clemens shared, for the first time, the story of General Miles and the three-dollar dog, probably making it up as he went, although at the time it really felt historical. He told it many times after that, and it’s been included in his collection of speeches.

Later, in the cab, he said:

Later, in the taxi, he said:

“That was a mighty good dinner. Riggs knows how to do that sort of thing. I enjoyed it ever so much. Now we'll go home and play billiards.”

“That was a really great dinner. Riggs knows how to handle that kind of thing. I enjoyed it a lot. Now we’ll head home and play billiards.”

We began about eleven o'clock, and played until after midnight. I happened to be too strong for him, and he swore amazingly. He vowed that it was not a gentleman's game at all, that Riggs's wine had demoralized the play. But at the end, when we were putting up the cues, he said:

We started around eleven o'clock and played past midnight. I ended up being too good for him, and he swore like crazy. He insisted it wasn’t a gentleman's game at all and that Riggs’s wine had messed up the game. But in the end, as we were putting away the cues, he said:

“Well, those were good games. There is nothing like billiards after all.”

“Well, those were great games. There’s nothing quite like billiards, after all.”

We did not play billiards on his birthday that year. He went to the theater in the afternoon; and it happened that, with Jesse Lynch Williams, I attended the same performance—the “Toy-Maker of Nuremberg”—written by Austin Strong. It proved to be a charming play, and I could see that Clemens was enjoying it. He sat in a box next to the stage, and the actors clearly were doing their very prettiest for his benefit.

We didn't play billiards on his birthday that year. He went to the theater in the afternoon, and it turned out that I was at the same performance as Jesse Lynch Williams—the “Toy-Maker of Nuremberg”—written by Austin Strong. It turned out to be a delightful play, and I could tell that Clemens was enjoying it. He sat in a box next to the stage, and the actors were clearly doing their absolute best for him.

When later I mentioned having seen him at the play, he spoke freely of his pleasure in it.

When I later mentioned that I'd seen him at the play, he openly expressed how much he enjoyed it.

“It is a fine, delicate piece of work,” he said. “I wish I could do such things as that.”

“It’s a fine, delicate piece of work,” he said. “I wish I could do things like that.”

“I believe you are too literary for play-writing.”

"I think you're too focused on literature to be a playwright."

“Yes, no doubt. There was never any question with the managers about my plays. They always said they wouldn't act. Howells has come pretty near to something once or twice. I judge the trouble is that the literary man is thinking of the style and quality of the thing, while the playwright thinks only of how it will play. One is thinking of how it will sound, the other of how it will look.”

“Yes, for sure. There was never any doubt with the managers about my plays. They always said they wouldn’t perform them. Howells has come pretty close to something once or twice. I think the issue is that the writer is focused on the style and quality of the work, while the playwright is only considering how it will perform. One is thinking about how it will sound, the other about how it will look.”

“I suppose,” I said, “the literary man should have a collaborator with a genius for stage mechanism. John Luther Long's exquisite plays would hardly have been successful without David Belasco to stage them. Belasco cannot write a play himself, but in the matter of acting construction his genius is supreme.”

“I guess,” I said, “a writer should have a partner who's talented with staging. John Luther Long's beautiful plays probably wouldn't have done as well without David Belasco to direct them. Belasco can’t write a play himself, but when it comes to staging, his talent is unmatched.”

“Yes, so it is; it was Belasco who made it possible to play 'The Prince and the Pauper'—a collection of literary garbage before he got hold of it.”

“Yes, that’s right; it was Belasco who made it possible to perform 'The Prince and the Pauper'—a bunch of literary junk before he took it on.”

Clemens attended few public functions now. He was beset with invitations, but he declined most of them. He told the dog story one night to the Pleiades Club, assembled at the Brevoort; but that was only a step away, and we went in after the dining was ended and came away before the exercises were concluded.

Clemens seldom went to public events anymore. He received a lot of invitations, but he turned down most of them. One night, he shared the dog story with the Pleiades Club, gathered at the Brevoort; but that was just a short walk away, and we went in after dinner was over and left before the activities wrapped up.

He also spoke at a banquet given to Andrew Carnegie—Saint Andrew, as he called him—by the Engineers Club, and had his usual fun at the chief guest's expense.

He also spoke at a banquet held for Andrew Carnegie—Saint Andrew, as he referred to him—by the Engineers Club, and had his usual fun at the main guest's expense.

    I have been chief guest at a good many banquets myself, and I know
    what brother Andrew is feeling like now. He has been receiving
    compliments and nothing but compliments, but he knows that there is
    another side to him that needs censure.

    I am going to vary the complimentary monotony. While we have all
    been listening to the complimentary talk Mr. Carnegie's face has
    scintillated with fictitious innocence. You'd think he never
    committed a crime in his life. But he has.

    Look at his pestiferous simplified spelling. Imagine the calamity
    on two sides of the ocean when he foisted his simplified spelling on
    the whole human race. We've got it all now so that nobody could
    spell....

    If Mr. Carnegie had left spelling alone we wouldn't have had any
    spots on the sun, or any San Francisco quake, or any business
    depression.

    There, I trust he feels better now and that he has enjoyed my abuse
    more than he did his compliments. And now that I think I have him
    smoothed down and feeling comfortable I just want to say one thing
    more—that his simplified spelling is all right enough, but, like
    chastity, you can carry it too far.
I’ve been the guest of honor at quite a few banquets myself, so I can understand what brother Andrew is going through right now. He’s been getting compliments and nothing but compliments, but he knows there’s another side of him that deserves some criticism.

I’m going to shake up this praise parade a bit. While we’ve all been listening to the flattering talk, Mr. Carnegie’s face has been glowing with false innocence. You’d think he’s never done anything wrong in his life. But he has.

Just look at his annoying simplified spelling. Just imagine the disaster on both sides of the ocean when he forced his simplified spelling on everyone. Now it’s to the point where nobody can spell properly...

If Mr. Carnegie had left spelling alone, we wouldn’t have had any sunspots, or the San Francisco earthquake, or any economic downturn.

Well, I hope he feels better now and that he enjoyed my criticism more than his compliments. And now that I think I’ve calmed him down and he’s feeling at ease, I just want to say one more thing—that his simplified spelling is fine, but, like chastity, you can take it too far.

As he was about to go, Carnegie called his attention to the beautiful souvenir bronze and gold-plated goblets that stood at each guest's plate. Carnegie said:

As he was about to leave, Carnegie pointed out the beautiful souvenir bronze and gold-plated goblets that were placed at each guest's plate. Carnegie said:

“The club had those especially made at Tiffany's for this occasion. They cost ten dollars apiece.”

“The club had those specially made at Tiffany's for this occasion. They cost ten dollars each.”

Clemens sand: “Is that so? Well, I only meant to take my own; but if that's the case I'll load my cab with them.”

Clemens said, “Oh really? I only planned to take my own, but if that’s the way it is, I’ll fill my cab with them.”

We made an attempt to reform on the matter of billiards. The continued strain of late hours was doing neither of us any particular good. More than once I journeyed into the country on one errand and another, mainly for rest; but a card saying that he was lonely and upset, for lack of his evening games, quickly brought me back again. It was my wish only to serve him; it was a privilege and an honor to give him happiness.

We tried to make changes regarding billiards. The ongoing late nights weren't doing either of us any favors. More than once, I headed out to the countryside for a break, but a note from him saying he felt lonely and upset without his evening games quickly brought me back. All I wanted was to support him; it was a privilege and an honor to bring him happiness.

Billiards, however, was not his only recreation just then. He walked out a good deal, and especially of a pleasant Sunday morning he liked the stroll up Fifth Avenue. Sometimes we went as high as Carnegie's, on Ninety-second Street, and rode home on top of the electric stage—always one of Mark Twain's favorite diversions.

Billiards wasn’t his only pastime at the moment. He spent a lot of time walking, and especially on a nice Sunday morning, he enjoyed strolling up Fifth Avenue. Sometimes we would go as far as Carnegie's on Ninety-second Street and take the electric bus home—one of Mark Twain's favorite activities.

From that high seat he liked to look down on the panorama of the streets, and in that free, open air he could smoke without interference. Oftener, however, we turned at Fifty-ninth Street, walking both ways.

From that high spot, he enjoyed looking down at the view of the streets, and in that open air, he could smoke without being disturbed. More often, though, we would turn at Fifty-ninth Street, walking in both directions.

When it was pleasant we sometimes sat on a bench in Central Park; and once he must have left a handkerchief there, for a few days later one of his handkerchiefs came to him accompanied by a note. Its finder, a Mr. Lockwood, received a reward, for Mark Twain wrote him:

When it was nice out, we sometimes sat on a bench in Central Park, and once he must have left a handkerchief there because a few days later one of his handkerchiefs was returned to him with a note. The person who found it, a Mr. Lockwood, got a reward because Mark Twain wrote to him:

    There is more rejoicing in this house over that one handkerchief
    that was lost and is found again than over the ninety and nine that
    never went to the wash at all. Heaven will reward you, I know it
    will.
    There is more joy in this house over that one handkerchief that was lost and is found again than over the ninety-nine that never even made it to the wash. I know Heaven will reward you for it.

On Sunday mornings the return walk would be timed for about the hour that the churches would be dismissed. On the first Sunday morning we had started a little early, and I thoughtlessly suggested, when we reached Fifty-ninth Street, that if we returned at once we would avoid the throng. He said, quietly:

On Sunday mornings, we planned our walk back to coincide with when the churches let out. On the first Sunday, we left a bit early, and I casually suggested as we hit Fifty-ninth Street that if we went back right away, we could skip the crowds. He replied calmly:

“I like the throng.”

“I like the crowd.”

So we rested in the Plaza Hotel until the appointed hour. Men and women noticed him, and came over to shake his hand. The gigantic man in uniform; in charge of the carriages at the door, came in for a word. He had opened carriages for Mr. Clemens at the Twenty-third Street station, and now wanted to claim that honor. I think he received the most cordial welcome of any one who came. I am sure he did. It was Mark Twain's way to warm to the man of the lower social rank. He was never too busy, never too preoccupied, to grasp the hand of such a man; to listen to his story, and to say just the words that would make that man happy remembering them.

So we relaxed in the Plaza Hotel until it was time to go. People noticed him and came over to shake his hand. The huge guy in uniform who was in charge of the carriages at the door came in to chat. He had helped Mr. Clemens at the Twenty-third Street station and wanted to mention that. I think he got a warmer welcome than anyone else who came by. I'm sure of it. Mark Twain had a knack for connecting with people from lower social ranks. He was never too busy or too distracted to shake hands with them, listen to their stories, and say just the right words to make them feel happy remembering that moment.

We left the Plaza Hotel and presently were amid the throng of outpouring congregations. Of course he was the object on which every passing eye turned; the presence to which every hat was lifted. I realized that this open and eagerly paid homage of the multitude was still dear to him, not in any small and petty way, but as the tribute of a nation, the expression of that affection which in his London and Liverpool speeches he had declared to be the last and final and most precious reward that any man can win, whether by character or achievement. It was his final harvest, and he had the courage to claim it—the aftermath of all his years of honorable labor and noble living.

We left the Plaza Hotel and soon found ourselves in the crowd of people pouring out. Naturally, he was the center of attention, with every passing glance directed at him and every hat lifted in respect. I understood that this open and enthusiastic admiration from the crowd meant a lot to him, not in a trivial way, but as a tribute from the nation—a reflection of the affection he had mentioned in his speeches in London and Liverpool, claiming it to be the ultimate and most valuable reward any man can earn through character or achievement. It was his moment of recognition, and he had the bravery to embrace it—the result of all his years of hard work and honorable living.





CCLXII. FROM MARK TWAIN's MAIL.

If the reader has any curiosity as to some of the less usual letters which a man of wide public note may inspire, perhaps he will find a certain interest in a few selected from the thousands which yearly came to Mark Twain.

If the reader is curious about some of the more unusual letters that a well-known person might receive, they may find it interesting to read a few selected from the thousands that came to Mark Twain each year.

For one thing, he was constantly receiving prescriptions and remedies whenever the papers reported one of his bronchial or rheumatic attacks. It is hardly necessary to quote examples of these, but only a form of his occasional reply, which was likely to be in this wise:

For one thing, he was always getting prescriptions and remedies whenever the news covered one of his bronchial or rheumatic episodes. It's hardly necessary to give specific examples of these, but just a typical response of his, which would likely be something like this:

    DEAR SIR [or MADAM],—I try every remedy sent to me. I am now on
    No. 87. Yours is 2,653. I am looking forward to its beneficial
    results.
    DEAR SIR [or MADAM],—I’ve tried every remedy that’s been sent to me. I’m currently on No. 87. Yours is 2,653. I’m looking forward to seeing its positive effects.

Of course a large number of the nostrums and palliatives offered were preparations made by the wildest and longest-haired medical cranks. One of these sent an advertisement of a certain Elixir of Life, which was guaranteed to cure everything—to “wash and cleanse the human molecules, and so restore youth and preserve life everlasting.”

Of course, many of the remedies and quick fixes being advertised were concoctions made by some of the most eccentric and untamed medical quacks. One of them sent out an ad for a so-called Elixir of Life, which claimed to cure everything—to “cleanse and purify the human molecules, restoring youth and ensuring eternal life.”

Anonymous letters are not usually popular or to be encouraged, but Mark Twain had an especial weakness for compliments that came in that way. They were not mercenary compliments. The writer had nothing to gain. Two such letters follow—both written in England just at the time of his return.

Anonymous letters aren’t typically well-received or encouraged, but Mark Twain had a particular fondness for compliments that arrived this way. They weren't self-serving compliments; the sender had nothing to gain. Two such letters follow—both written in England right around the time of his return.

    MARK TWAIN.

    DEAR SIR,—Please accept a poor widow's good-by and kindest wishes.
    I have had some of your books sent to me; have enjoyed them very
    much—only wish I could afford to buy some.

    I should very much like to have seen you. I have many photos of you
    which I have cut from several papers which I read. I have one where
    you are writing in bed, which I cut from the Daily News. Like
    myself, you believe in lots of sleep and rest. I am 70 and I find I
    need plenty. Please forgive the liberty I have taken in writing to
    you. If I can't come to your funeral may we meet beyond the river.

    May God guard you, is the wish of a lonely old widow.
                  Yours sincerely,
    MARK TWAIN.

    DEAR SIR,—Please accept a poor widow's farewell and my best wishes.  
    I’ve had some of your books sent to me and have really enjoyed them—  
    I only wish I could afford to buy some.

    I would have really liked to meet you. I have many photos of you  
    that I’ve cut out from various newspapers I read. There’s one where  
    you’re writing in bed, which I cut from the Daily News. Like me,  
    you believe in getting plenty of sleep and rest. I’m 70, and I find  
    I need a lot of it. Please forgive me for taking the liberty to write  
    to you. If I can’t come to your funeral, may we meet beyond the river.

    May God watch over you, is the wish of a lonely old widow.  
                  Yours sincerely,  

The other letter also tells its own story:

The other letter tells its own story too:

    DEAR, KIND MARK TWAIN,—For years I have wanted to write and thank
    you for the comfort you were to me once, only I never quite knew
    where you were, and besides I did not want to bother you; but to-day
    I was told by some one who saw you going into the lift at the Savoy
    that you looked sad and I thought it might cheer you a little tiny
    bit to hear how you kept a poor lonely girl from ruining her eyes
    with crying every night for long months.

    Ten years ago I had to leave home and earn my living as a governess
    and Fate sent me to spend a winter with a very dull old country
    family in the depths of Staffordshire. According to the genial
    English custom, after my five charges had gone to bed, I took my
    evening meal alone in the school-room, where “Henry Tudor had supped
    the night before Bosworth,” and there I had to stay without a soul
    to speak to till I went to bed. At first I used to cry every night,
    but a friend sent me a copy of your Huckleberry Finn and I never
    cried any more. I kept him handy under the copy-books and maps, and
    when Henry Tudor commenced to stretch out his chilly hands toward me
    I grabbed my dear Huck and he never once failed me; I opened him at
    random and in two minutes I was in another world. That's why I am
    so grateful to you and so fond of you, and I thought you might like
    to know; for it is yourself that has the kind heart, as is easily
    seen from the way you wrote about the poor old nigger. I am a
    stenographer now and live at home, but I shall never forget how you
    helped me. God bless you and spare you long to those you are dear
    to.
    DEAR, KIND MARK TWAIN,—For years, I've wanted to write and thank you for the comfort you brought me once. I never quite knew where you were, and I didn’t want to disturb you. But today, someone who saw you getting into the lift at the Savoy mentioned that you looked sad, and I thought it might cheer you up a little to hear how you helped a lonely girl who cried every night for months.

    Ten years ago, I had to leave home and earn my living as a governess, and fate sent me to spend a winter with a very dull old country family in the depths of Staffordshire. According to the friendly English custom, after my five charges went to bed, I had my evening meal alone in the schoolroom, where “Henry Tudor had supped the night before Bosworth,” and I had to stay there without anyone to talk to until I went to bed. At first, I cried every night, but a friend sent me a copy of your Huckleberry Finn, and I never cried again. I kept it handy under the copybooks and maps, and when Henry Tudor started to reach out his chilly hands toward me, I grabbed my dear Huck, and he never let me down; I’d open him at random, and in two minutes, I was in another world. That’s why I’m so grateful to you and so fond of you, and I thought you might like to know; because it’s you who has the kind heart, as is clear from the way you wrote about the poor old nigger. I’m a stenographer now and live at home, but I’ll never forget how you helped me. God bless you and keep you around for a long time for those who care about you.

A letter which came to him soon after his return from England contained a clipping which reported the good work done by Christian missionaries in the Congo, especially among natives afflicted by the terrible sleeping sickness. The letter itself consisted merely of a line, which said:

A letter he received shortly after getting back from England included a clipping that reported the great work being done by Christian missionaries in the Congo, particularly among natives suffering from the awful sleeping sickness. The letter itself was just a single line, which said:

    Won't you give your friends, the missionaries, a good mark for this?
    Won't you give your friends, the missionaries, a good review for this?

The writer's name was signed, and Mark Twain answered:

The writer's name was signed, and Mark Twain replied:

    In China the missionaries are not wanted, & so they ought to be
    decent & go away. But I have not heard that in the Congo the
    missionary servants of God are unwelcome to the native.

    Evidently those missionaries axe pitying, compassionate, kind. How
    it would improve God to take a lesson from them! He invented &
    distributed the germ of that awful disease among those helpless,
    poor savages, & now He sits with His elbows on the balusters & looks
    down & enjoys this wanton crime. Confidently, & between you & me
    —well, never mind, I might get struck by lightning if I said it.

    Those are good and kindly men, those missionaries, but they are a
    measureless satire upon their Master.
In China, the missionaries aren’t wanted, so they should be decent and leave. But I haven’t heard that the missionary servants of God are unwelcome in the Congo.

Clearly, those missionaries are pitying, compassionate, and kind. How much better it would be if God took a lesson from them! He created and spread the germ of that terrible disease among those helpless, poor savages, and now He sits with His elbows on the rail and watches, enjoying this senseless crime. Honestly, between you and me—well, never mind, I might get struck by lightning if I say it.

Those missionaries are good and kind men, but they are an endless satire on their Master.

To which the writer answered:

The writer replied:

    O wicked Mr. Clemens! I have to ask Saint Joan of Arc to pray for
    you; then one of these days, when we all stand before the Golden
    Gates and we no longer “see through a glass darkly and know only in
    part,” there will be a struggle at the heavenly portals between Joan
    of Arc and St. Peter, but your blessed Joan will conquer and she'll
    lead Mr. Clemens through the gates of pearl and apologize and plead
    for him.
    O wicked Mr. Clemens! I need to ask Saint Joan of Arc to pray for you; then one of these days, when we all stand before the Golden Gates and we no longer "see through a glass darkly and know only in part," there will be a struggle at the heavenly gates between Joan of Arc and St. Peter, but your beloved Joan will triumph and she'll lead Mr. Clemens through the gates of pearl and apologize and plead for him.

Of the letters that irritated him, perhaps the following is as fair a sample as any, and it has additional interest in its sequel.

Of the letters that annoyed him, maybe the following is a fair sample, and it’s especially interesting because of what comes next.

    DEAR SIR,—I have written a book—naturally—which fact, however,
    since I am not your enemy, need give you no occasion to rejoice.
    Nor need you grieve, though I am sending you a copy. If I knew of
    any way of compelling you to read it I would do so, but unless the
    first few pages have that effect I can do nothing. Try the first
    few pages. I have done a great deal more than that with your books,
    so perhaps you owe me some thing—say ten pages. If after that
    attempt you put it aside I shall be sorry—for you.

    I am afraid that the above looks flippant—but think of the
    twitterings of the soul of him who brings in his hand an unbidden
    book, written by himself. To such a one much is due in the way of
    indulgence. Will you remember that? Have you forgotten early
    twitterings of your own?
    DEAR SIR, — I’ve written a book — naturally — but since I’m not your enemy, there’s no need for you to celebrate. You also don’t need to be upset that I’m sending you a copy. If I could find a way to make you read it, I would, but unless the first few pages grab you, I can’t do anything. Give the first few pages a shot. I’ve gone through a lot more than that with your books, so maybe you owe me a little — let’s say ten pages. If you decide to set it aside after that, I’ll feel sorry for you.

    I worry the above sounds a bit dismissive — but think about the feelings of someone who hands you an unsolicited book they’ve written themselves. They deserve a lot of understanding. Will you keep that in mind? Have you forgotten your own early feelings?

In a memorandum made on this letter Mark Twain wrote:

In a memo about this letter, Mark Twain wrote:

    Another one of those peculiarly depressing letters—a letter cast in
    artificially humorous form, whilst no art could make the subject
    humorous—to me.
Another one of those oddly depressing letters—a letter written in a forcedly funny style, even though no amount of creativity could make the topic funny—to me.

Commenting further, he said:

He added:

    As I have remarked before about one thousand times the coat of arms
    of the human race ought to consist of a man with an ax on his
    shoulder proceeding toward a grindstone, or it ought to represent
    the several members of the human race holding out the hat to one
    another; for we are all beggars, each in his own way. One beggar is
    too proud to beg for pennies, but will beg for an introduction into
    society; another does not care for society, but he wants a
    postmastership; another will inveigle a lawyer into conversation and
    then sponge on him for free advice. The man who wouldn't do any of
    these things will beg for the Presidency. Each admires his own
    dignity and greatly guards it, but in his opinion the others haven't
    any.

    Mendicancy is a matter of taste and temperament, no doubt, but no
    human being is without some form of it. I know my own form, you
    know yours. Let us conceal them from view and abuse the others.
    There is no man so poor but what at intervals some man comes to him
    with an ax to grind. By and by the ax's aspect becomes familiar to
    the proprietor of the grindstone. He perceives that it is the same
    old ax. If you are a governor you know that the stranger wants an
    office. The first time he arrives you are deceived; he pours out
    such noble praises of you and your political record that you are
    moved to tears; there's a lump in your throat and you are thankful
    that you have lived for this happiness. Then the stranger discloses
    his ax, and you are ashamed of yourself and your race. Six
    repetitions will cure you. After that you interrupt the compliments
    and say, “Yes, yes, that's all right; never mind about that. What
    is it you want?”

    But you and I are in the business ourselves. Every now and then we
    carry our ax to somebody and ask a whet. I don't carry mine to
    strangers—I draw the line there; perhaps that is your way. This is
    bound to set us up on a high and holy pinnacle and make us look down
    in cold rebuke on persons who carry their axes to strangers.

    I do not know how to answer that stranger's letter. I wish he had
    spared me. Never mind about him—I am thinking about myself. I
    wish he had spared me. The book has not arrived yet; but no matter,
    I am prejudiced against it.
    As I've mentioned about a thousand times, the coat of arms of humanity should show a man with an ax on his shoulder heading toward a grindstone, or it should depict the various members of humanity passing a hat to each other; because we are all beggars, each in our own way. One beggar might be too proud to ask for pennies but will seek an introduction into society; another doesn't care about society but wants a position as a postmaster; another might engage a lawyer in conversation and then freeload for free advice. The person who wouldn’t do any of these things might ask for the Presidency. Each one values their own dignity and protects it fiercely, but in their eyes, others lack any.

    Begging takes different forms depending on taste and temperament, no doubt, but no one is without some version of it. I know my own form, you know yours. Let’s hide ours from view and criticize others. There’s no one so poor that now and then someone doesn’t come to them with an ax to grind. Eventually, the grindstone owner gets used to seeing that same old ax. If you’re a governor, you know the newcomer is after a job. The first time he shows up, you might be fooled; he heaps on such lofty praise about you and your political record that you’re moved to tears; there’s a lump in your throat and you’re grateful to have lived for this moment. Then the stranger reveals their ax, and you feel embarrassed for yourself and your kind. Six encounters like this will set you straight. After that, you’ll cut off the flattery and say, “Yes, yes, that’s nice; never mind about that. What do you want?”

    But you and I are in the same boat. Every now and then, we take our ax to someone and ask them to sharpen it. I don’t take mine to strangers—I've got my limits; maybe that’s your approach. This is bound to elevate us and make us look down in disapproval at those who take their axes to strangers.

    I don’t know how to respond to that stranger’s letter. I wish he hadn’t bothered me. Never mind him—I’m focused on myself. I wish he had left me alone. The book hasn’t arrived yet; but whatever, I’m already biased against it.

It was a few days later that he added:

It was a few days later that he said:

    I wrote to that man. I fell back upon the old Overworked, polite
    lie, and thanked him for his book and said I was promising myself
    the pleasure of reading it. Of course that set me free; I was not
    obliged to read it now at all, and, being free, my prejudice was
    gone, and as soon as the book came I opened it to see what it was
    like. I was not able to put it down until I had finished. It was
    an embarrassing thing to have to write to that man and confess that
    fact, but I had to do it. That first letter was merely a lie. Do
    you think I wrote the second one to give that man pleasure? Well, I
    did, but it was second-hand pleasure. I wrote it first to give
    myself comfort, to make myself forget the original lie.
I wrote to that guy. I fell back on the old tired, polite lie, thanking him for his book and saying I was looking forward to reading it. Of course, that freed me up; I didn't have to read it at all now, and with that weight off my shoulders, my bias disappeared. As soon as the book arrived, I opened it to see what it was like. I couldn't put it down until I finished. It was awkward to have to write to that guy and admit that, but I had to. That first letter was just a lie. Do you think I wrote the second one to make him happy? Well, I did, but it was a borrowed happiness. I wrote it first to give myself comfort, to help me forget the initial lie.

Mark Twain's interest was once aroused by the following:

Mark Twain's interest was once piqued by the following:

    DEAR SIR,—I have had more or less of your works on my shelves for
    years, and believe I have practically a complete set now. This is
    nothing unusual, of course, but I presume it will seem to you
    unusual for any one to keep books constantly in sight which the
    owner regrets ever having read.

    Every time my glance rests on the books I do regret having read
    them, and do not hesitate to tell you so to your face, and care not
    who may know my feelings. You, who must be kept busy attending to
    your correspondence, will probably pay little or no attention to
    this small fraction of it, yet my reasons, I believe, are sound and
    are probably shared by more people than you are aware of.

    Probably you will not read far enough through this to see who has
    signed it, but if you do, and care to know why I wish I had left
    your work unread, I will tell you as briefly as possible if you will
    ask me.
                            GEORGE B. LAUDER.
    DEAR SIR,—I have had a collection of your works on my shelves for years and believe I now have almost a complete set. This isn’t unusual, of course, but I imagine it might seem strange to you that someone would keep books visible that they regret having read.

    Every time I see those books, I do regret reading them, and I’m not shy about telling you this directly, nor do I care who knows how I feel. You, who must be busy dealing with your correspondence, will probably pay little or no attention to this small part of it, yet I believe my reasons are valid and likely shared by more people than you realize.

    You may not read far enough to see who signed this, but if you do and want to know why I wish I had left your work unread, I’ll explain briefly if you ask me.
                            GEORGE B. LAUDER.

Clemens did not answer the letter, but put it in his pocket, perhaps intending to do so, and a few days later, in Boston, when a reporter called, he happened to remember it. The reporter asked permission to print the queer document, and it appeared in his Mark Twain interview next morning. A few days later the writer of it sent a second letter, this time explaining:

Clemens didn’t respond to the letter but tucked it away in his pocket, maybe planning to get to it later. A few days later, while in Boston, he recalled it when a reporter called. The reporter requested to publish the strange document, and it was featured in his Mark Twain interview the next morning. A few days after that, the author of the letter sent a second one, this time clarifying:

    MY DEAR SIR,—I saw in to-day's paper a copy of the letter which I
    wrote you October 26th.

    I have read and re-read your works until I can almost recall some of
    them word for word. My familiarity with them is a constant source
    of pleasure which I would not have missed, and therefore the regret
    which I have expressed is more than offset by thankfulness.

    Believe me, the regret which I feel for having read your works is
    entirely due to the unalterable fact that I can never again have the
    pleasure of reading them for the first time.

                  Your sincere admirer,
                            GEORGE B. LADDER.
    MY DEAR SIR,—I saw in today’s paper a copy of the letter I wrote you on October 26th.

    I have read and re-read your works so many times that I can almost recite some of them word for word. My familiarity with them brings me constant joy that I wouldn't trade for anything, so the regret I’ve expressed is more than balanced by my gratitude.

    Believe me, the only regret I have about reading your works is the unavoidable fact that I can never experience the pleasure of reading them for the first time again.

                  Your sincere admirer,
                            GEORGE B. LADDER.

Mark Twain promptly replied this time:

Mark Twain responded quickly this time:

    DEAR SIR, You fooled me completely; I didn't divine what the letter
    was concealing, neither did the newspaper men, so you are a very
    competent deceiver.
                     Truly yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.
    DEAR SIR, You completely tricked me; I had no idea what the letter was hiding, and neither did the journalists, so you’re a very skilled deceiver.
                     Truly yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.

It was about the end of 1907 that the new St. Louis Harbor boat, was completed. The editor of the St. Louis Republic reported that it has been christened “Mark Twain,” and asked for a word of comment. Clemens sent this line:

It was around late 1907 when the new St. Louis Harbor boat was finished. The editor of the St. Louis Republic reported that it had been named “Mark Twain” and requested a comment. Clemens sent this line:

    May my namesake follow in my righteous footsteps, then neither of us
    will need any fire insurance.
    May my namesake follow in my righteous footsteps; then neither of us
    will need any fire insurance.




CCLXIII. SOME LITERARY LUNCHEONS

Howells, in his book, refers to the Human Race Luncheon Club, which Clemens once organized for the particular purpose of damning the species in concert. It was to consist, beside Clemens himself, of Howells, Colonel Harvey, and Peter Dunne; but it somehow never happened that even this small membership could be assembled while the idea was still fresh, and therefore potent.

Howells, in his book, mentions the Human Race Luncheon Club, which Clemens once set up to collectively criticize humanity. It was supposed to include Clemens, Howells, Colonel Harvey, and Peter Dunne; however, it somehow never happened that even this small group could get together while the idea was still fresh and impactful.

Out of it, however, grew a number of those private social gatherings which Clemens so dearly loved—small luncheons and dinners given at his own table. The first of these came along toward the end of 1907, when Howells was planning to spend the winter in Italy.

Out of it, however, emerged a series of private social gatherings that Clemens treasured—small lunches and dinners hosted at his own table. The first of these took place toward the end of 1907, when Howells was planning to spend the winter in Italy.

“Howells is going away,” he said, “and I should like to give him a stag-party. We'll enlarge the Human Race Club for the occasion.”

“Howells is leaving,” he said, “and I’d like to throw him a stag party. We'll expand the Human Race Club for the event.”

So Howells, Colonel Harvey, Martin Littleton, Augustus Thomas, Robert Porter, and Paderewski were invited. Paderewski was unable to come, and seven in all assembled.

So Howells, Colonel Harvey, Martin Littleton, Augustus Thomas, Robert Porter, and Paderewski were invited. Paderewski couldn't make it, and a total of seven people gathered.

Howells was first to arrive.

Howells was the first to arrive.

“Here comes Howells,” Clemens said. “Old Howells a thousand years old.”

“Here comes Howells,” Clemens said. “Old Howells is a thousand years old.”

But Howells didn't look it. His face was full of good-nature and apparent health, and he was by no means venerable, either in speech or action. Thomas, Porter, Littleton, and Harvey drifted in. Cocktails were served and luncheon was announced.

But Howells didn't seem that way. His face was friendly and appeared healthy, and he wasn't at all old, either in how he spoke or acted. Thomas, Porter, Littleton, and Harvey wandered in. Cocktails were served, and lunch was called.

Claude, the butler, had prepared the table with fine artistry—its center a mass of roses. There was to be no woman in the neighborhood—Clemens announced this fact as a sort of warrant for general freedom of expression.

Claude, the butler, had set the table with great skill—its center filled with roses. There would be no women in the neighborhood—Clemens declared this as a kind of permission for everyone to speak freely.

Thomas's play, “The Witching Hour,” was then at the height of its great acceptance, and the talk naturally began there. Thomas told something of the difficulty which he found in being able to convince a manager that it would succeed, and declared it to be his own favorite work. I believe there was no dissenting opinion as to its artistic value, or concerning its purpose and psychology, though these had been the stumbling-blocks from a managerial point of view.

Thomas's play, “The Witching Hour,” was incredibly popular at that time, so it was naturally the main topic of conversation. Thomas shared how challenging it was to persuade a manager that the play would be successful, and he stated that it was his favorite work. I don’t think anyone disagreed about its artistic value or its themes and psychological depth, even though those had posed problems from a management perspective.

When the subject was concluded, and there had come a lull, Colonel Harvey, who was seated at Clemens's left, said:

When the discussion wrapped up and there was a moment of silence, Colonel Harvey, who was sitting to Clemens's left, said:

“Uncle Mark”—he often called him that—“Major Leigh handed me a report of the year's sales just as I was leaving. It shows your royalty returns this year to be very close to fifty thousand dollars. I don't believe there is another such return from old books on record.”

“Uncle Mark”—he often called him that—“Major Leigh just handed me a report on this year's sales right as I was about to leave. It shows that your royalty returns for this year are almost fifty thousand dollars. I don't think there's another return like that from old books on record.”

This was said in an undertone, to Clemens only, but was overheard by one or two of those who sat nearest. Clemens was not unwilling to repeat it for the benefit of all, and did so. Howells said:

This was said quietly, just to Clemens, but a couple of people sitting nearby heard it. Clemens didn’t mind repeating it for everyone, and he did. Howells said:

“A statement like that arouses my basest passions. The books are no good; it's just the advertising they get.”

“A statement like that stirs my deepest emotions. The books aren't worth much; it's just the marketing they receive.”

Clemens said: “Yes, my contract compels the publisher to advertise. It costs them two hundred dollars every time they leave the advertisement out of the magazines.”

Clemens said: “Yes, my contract requires the publisher to advertise. It costs them two hundred dollars each time they skip the advertisement in the magazines.”

“And three hundred every time we put it in,” said Harvey. “We often debate whether it is more profitable to put in the advertisement or to leave it out.”

“And three hundred every time we put it in,” said Harvey. “We often discuss whether it’s more profitable to include the advertisement or to skip it.”

The talk switched back to plays and acting. Thomas recalled an incident of Beerbohm Tree's performance of “Hamlet.” W. S. Gilbert, of light-opera celebrity, was present at a performance, and when the play ended Mrs. Tree hurried over to him and said:

The conversation shifted back to plays and acting. Thomas remembered an incident from Beerbohm Tree's performance of “Hamlet.” W. S. Gilbert, known for his light operas, was in the audience, and when the play concluded, Mrs. Tree quickly approached him and said:

“Oh, Mr. Gilbert, what did you think of Mr. Tree's rendition of Hamlet?” “Remarkable,” said Gilbert. “Funny without being vulgar.”

“Oh, Mr. Gilbert, what did you think of Mr. Tree's performance of Hamlet?” “It was impressive,” said Gilbert. “Humorous without being crude.”

It was with such idle tales and talk-play that the afternoon passed. Not much of it all is left to me, but I remember Howells saying, “Did it ever occur to you that the newspapers abolished hell? Well, they did—it was never done by the church. There was a consensus of newspaper opinion that the old hell with its lake of fire and brimstone was an antiquated institution; in fact a dead letter.” And again, “I was coming down Broadway last night, and I stopped to look at one of the street-venders selling those little toy fighting roosters. It was a bleak, desolate evening; nobody was buying anything, and as he pulled the string and kept those little roosters dancing and fighting his remarks grew more and more cheerless and sardonic.

The afternoon went by with such pointless stories and playful chatter. I don’t remember much of it, but I recall Howells saying, “Have you ever thought about how newspapers got rid of hell? They did—it wasn’t the church that did it. There was a general agreement among newspapers that the old hell with its fire and brimstone was a thing of the past; basically, it was irrelevant.” And then he said, “I was walking down Broadway last night, and I stopped to watch one of the street vendors selling those little toy fighting roosters. It was a cold, dreary evening; no one was buying anything, and as he pulled the string to make the little roosters dance and fight, his comments became more and more bleak and sarcastic.

“'Japanese game chickens,' he said; 'pretty toys, amuse the children with their antics. Child of three can operate it. Take them home for Christmas. Chicken-fight at your own fireside.' I tried to catch his eye to show him that I understood his desolation and sorrow, but it was no use. He went on dancing his toy chickens, and saying, over and over, 'Chicken-fight at your own fireside.'”

“‘Japanese game chickens,’ he said; ‘cute little toys that entertain the kids with their funny moves. A three-year-old can play with them. Bring them home for Christmas. Chicken-fights in your own living room.’ I tried to catch his eye to let him know that I understood his sadness and despair, but it was pointless. He kept dancing his toy chickens around and repeating, ‘Chicken-fight at your own fireside.’”

The luncheon over, we wandered back into the drawing-room, and presently all left but Colonel Harvey. Clemens and the Colonel went up to the billiard-room and engaged in a game of cushion caroms, at twenty-five cents a game. I was umpire and stakeholder, and it was a most interesting occupation, for the series was close and a very cheerful one. It ended the day much to Mark Twain's satisfaction, for he was oftenest winner. That evening he said:

The lunch finished, we made our way back to the living room, and soon everyone left except for Colonel Harvey. Clemens and the Colonel went up to the billiard room and started a game of cushion caroms, betting twenty-five cents a game. I acted as the umpire and held the stakes, which was quite an engaging job, because the matches were competitive and very fun. It wrapped up the day nicely for Mark Twain, as he was usually the winner. That evening he said:

“We will repeat that luncheon; we ought to repeat it once a month. Howells will be gone, but we must have the others. We cannot have a thing like that too often.”

"We should do that lunch again; we should do it once a month. Howells will be gone, but we need to have the others. We can't have something like that too often."

There was, in fact, a second stag-luncheon very soon after, at which George Riggs was present and that rare Irish musician, Denis O'Sullivan. It was another choice afternoon, with a mystical quality which came of the music made by O'Sullivan on some Hindu reeds-pipes of Pan. But we shall have more of O'Sullivan presently—all too little, for his days were few and fleeting.

There was, in fact, a second stag lunch soon after, attended by George Riggs and the rare Irish musician, Denis O'Sullivan. It was another lovely afternoon, with a magical vibe created by O'Sullivan playing some Hindu reed pipes of Pan. But we'll hear more about O'Sullivan soon—though it won’t be enough, as his days were few and fleeting.

Howells could not get away just yet. Colonel Harvey, who, like James Osgood, would not fail to find excuse for entertainment, chartered two drawing-room cars, and with Mrs. Harvey took a party of fifty-five or sixty congenial men and women to Lakewood for a good-by luncheon to Howells. It was a day borrowed from June, warm and beautiful.

Howells couldn't leave just yet. Colonel Harvey, who, like James Osgood, was always looking for an excuse to have some fun, rented two lounge cars and, along with Mrs. Harvey, took a group of fifty-five or sixty like-minded men and women to Lakewood for a farewell lunch for Howells. It was a warm and beautiful day, reminiscent of June.

The trip down was a sort of reception. Most of the guests were acquainted, but many of them did not often meet. There was constant visiting back and forth the full length of the two coaches. Denis O'Sullivan was among the guests. He looked in the bloom of health, and he had his pipes and played his mystic airs; then he brought out the tin-whistle of Ireland, and blew such rollicking melodies as capering fairies invented a long time ago. This was on the train going down.

The trip down felt like a gathering. Most of the guests knew each other, but many didn’t see each other often. There was a lot of chatting back and forth along the two train cars. Denis O'Sullivan was one of the guests. He looked very healthy, and he had his bagpipes, playing his enchanting tunes; then he pulled out an Irish tin whistle and played such lively melodies that seemed like they were created by dancing fairies ages ago. This was on the train ride down.

There was a brief program following the light-hearted feasting—an informal program fitting to that sunny day. It opened with some recitations by Miss Kitty Cheatham; then Colonel Harvey introduced Howells, with mention of his coming journey. As a rule, Howells does not enjoy speaking. He is willing to read an address on occasion, but he has owned that the prospect of talking without his notes terrifies him. This time, however, there was no reluctance, though he had prepared no speech. He was among friends. He looked even happy when he got on his feet, and he spoke like a happy man. He talked about Mark Twain. It was all delicate, delicious chaffing which showed Howells at his very best—all too short for his listeners.

There was a short program after the cheerful eating—a casual event that matched the sunny day. It started with some recitations by Miss Kitty Cheatham; then Colonel Harvey introduced Howells, mentioning his upcoming trip. Generally, Howells doesn’t like speaking. He’s open to reading a speech occasionally, but he has admitted that the thought of talking without his notes scares him. This time, though, he wasn’t hesitant, even though he hadn’t prepared a speech. He was with friends. He looked genuinely happy when he got up, and he spoke like a man who was joyful. He talked about Mark Twain. It was all light-hearted, delightful teasing that showcased Howells at his very best—far too brief for his audience.

Clemens, replying, returned the chaff, and rambled amusingly among his fancies, closing with a few beautiful words of “Godspeed and safe return” to his old comrade and friend.

Clemens replied with a witty comeback and playfully wandered through his thoughts, ending with a few heartfelt words of “Godspeed and safe return” to his old comrade and friend.

Then once more came Denis and his pipes. No one will ever forget his part of the program. The little samples we had heard on the train were expanded and multiplied and elaborated in a way that fairly swept his listeners out of themselves into that land where perhaps Denis himself wanders playing now; for a month later, strong and lusty and beautiful as he seemed that day, he suddenly vanished from among us and his reeds were silent. It never occurred to us then that Denis could die; and as he finished each melody and song there was a shout for a repetition, and I think we could have sat there and let the days and years slip away unheeded, for time is banished by music like that, and one wonders if it might not even divert death.

Then once again came Denis with his pipes. No one will ever forget his part of the program. The little snippets we had heard on the train were expanded and multiplied, elaborated in a way that completely swept his listeners away into a realm where maybe Denis himself wanders now, playing; for a month later, strong, vibrant, and beautiful as he seemed that day, he suddenly vanished from our midst and his reeds were silent. It never crossed our minds then that Denis could die; and as he ended each melody and song, there were shouts for an encore, and I think we could have sat there and let the days and years pass by unnoticed, because music like that banishes time, and one wonders if it might even distract from death.

It was dark when we crossed the river homeward; the myriad lights from heaven-climbing windows made an enchanted city in the sky. The evening, like the day, was warm, and some of the party left the ferry-cabin to lean over and watch the magic spectacle, the like of which is not to be found elsewhere on the earth.

It was dark when we crossed the river on our way home; the countless lights from the windows that reached for the sky created a magical city above. The evening, just like the day, was warm, and some people in our group left the ferry cabin to lean over and watch the breathtaking scene, something you won't find anywhere else on earth.





CCLXIV. “CAPTAIN STORMFIELD” IN PRINT

During the forty years or so that had elapsed since the publication of the “Gates Ajar” and the perpetration of Mark Twain's intended burlesque, built on Captain Ned Wakeman's dream, the Christian religion in its more orthodox aspects had undergone some large modifications. It was no longer regarded as dangerous to speak lightly of hell, or even to suggest that the golden streets and jeweled architecture of the sky might be regarded as symbols of hope rather than exhibits of actual bullion and lapidary construction. Clemens re-read his extravaganza, Captain Stormfields Visit to Heaven, gave it a modernizing touch here and there, and handed it to his publishers, who must have agreed that it was no longer dangerous, for it was promptly accepted and appeared in the December and January numbers (1907-8) of Harper's Magazine, and was also issued as a small book. If there were any readers who still found it blasphemous, or even irreverent, they did not say so; the letters that came—and they were a good many—expressed enjoyment and approval, also (some of them) a good deal of satisfaction that Mark Twain “had returned to his earlier form.”

During the roughly forty years since the publication of “Gates Ajar” and Mark Twain's intended parody based on Captain Ned Wakeman's dream, the Christian faith in its more traditional forms had seen some significant changes. It was no longer seen as risky to joke about hell, or even to imply that the golden streets and jeweled architecture of heaven might be viewed more as symbols of hope rather than as actual riches. Clemens re-read his satire, Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven, added some modern touches, and sent it to his publishers, who likely agreed it was less controversial, as it was quickly accepted and published in the December and January issues (1907-8) of Harper's Magazine, and also released as a small book. If there were any readers who still thought it was blasphemous or disrespectful, they didn’t voice it; the letters that came in—and there were many—expressed enjoyment and approval, with some even expressing delight that Mark Twain “had returned to his earlier form.”

The publication of this story recalled to Clemens's mind another heresy somewhat similar which he had written during the winter of 1891 and 1892 in Berlin. This was a dream of his own, in which he had set out on a train with the evangelist Sam Jones and the Archbishop of Canterbury for the other world. He had noticed that his ticket was to a different destination than the Archbishop's, and so, when the prelate nodded and finally went to sleep, he changed the tickets in their hats with disturbing results. Clemens thought a good deal of this fancy when he wrote it, and when Mrs. Clemens had refused to allow it to be printed he had laboriously translated it into German, with some idea of publishing it surreptitiously; but his conscience had been too much for him. He had confessed, and even the German version had been suppressed.

The release of this story reminded Clemens of another similar idea he had written during the winter of 1891 and 1892 in Berlin. It was a dream he had, where he embarked on a train with the evangelist Sam Jones and the Archbishop of Canterbury headed for the afterlife. He noticed that his ticket was for a different destination than the Archbishop's, so when the prelate nodded off and finally fell asleep, he switched their tickets in their hats, leading to some unsettling outcomes. Clemens thought a lot about this concept while writing it, and when Mrs. Clemens refused to let it be published, he painstakingly translated it into German, hoping to publish it secretly. However, his conscience got the better of him. He confessed, and even the German version was kept from being published.

Clemens often allowed his fancy to play with the idea of the orthodox heaven, its curiosities of architecture, and its employments of continuous prayer, psalm-singing, and harpistry.

Clemens often let his imagination wander about the idea of the traditional heaven, with its strange architecture and activities of constant prayer, singing psalms, and playing harps.

“What a childish notion it was,” he said, “and how curious that only a little while ago human beings were so willing to accept such fragile evidences about a place of so much importance. If we should find somewhere to-day an ancient book containing an account of a beautiful and blooming tropical Paradise secreted in the center of eternal icebergs—an account written by men who did not even claim to have seen it themselves—no geographical society on earth would take any stock in that book, yet that account would be quite as authentic as any we have of heaven. If God has such a place prepared for us, and really wanted us to know it, He could have found some better way than a book so liable to alterations and misinterpretation. God has had no trouble to prove to man the laws of the constellations and the construction of the world, and such things as that, none of which agree with His so-called book. As to a hereafter, we have not the slightest evidence that there is any—no evidence that appeals to logic and reason. I have never seen what to me seemed an atom of proof that there is a future life.”

“What a naive idea that was,” he said, “and how strange that not too long ago, people were so quick to accept such flimsy evidence about a place of such significance. If we were to find today an ancient book describing a beautiful, thriving tropical Paradise hidden in the middle of eternal icebergs—written by people who didn’t even claim to have seen it themselves—not one geographical society on earth would take that book seriously, yet that description would be just as credible as any we have of heaven. If God has such a place prepared for us and really wanted us to know about it, He could have come up with a better way than a book so prone to changes and misinterpretations. God has shown humanity the laws of the stars and the structure of the world without any issue, none of which align with His so-called book. As for an afterlife, there’s not the slightest evidence that one exists—no evidence that makes sense through logic and reason. I have never seen what I would consider an ounce of proof that there is a future life.”

Then, after a long pause, he added:

Then, after a long pause, he added:

“And yet—I am strongly inclined to expect one.”

“And yet—I really think one is likely.”





CCLXV. LOTOS CLUB HONORS

It was on January 11, 1908, that Mark Twain was given his last great banquet by the Lotos Club. The club was about to move again, into splendid new quarters, and it wished to entertain him once more in its old rooms.

It was on January 11, 1908, that Mark Twain received his final big banquet from the Lotos Club. The club was preparing to move again, into beautiful new spaces, and wanted to host him one last time in its old rooms.

He wore white, and amid the throng of black-clad men was like a white moth among a horde of beetles. The room fairly swarmed with them, and they seemed likely to overwhelm him.

He wore white, and among the crowd of men in black, he looked like a white moth among a swarm of beetles. The room was packed with them, and it felt like they might overpower him.

President Lawrence was toast-master of the evening, and he ended his customary address by introducing Robert Porter, who had been Mark Twain's host at Oxford. Porter told something of the great Oxford week, and ended by introducing Mark Twain. It had been expected that Clemens would tell of his London experiences. Instead of doing this, he said he had started a new kind of collection, a collection of compliments. He had picked up a number of valuable ones abroad and some at home. He read selections from them, and kept the company going with cheers and merriment until just before the close of his speech. Then he repeated, in his most impressive manner, that stately conclusion of his Liverpool speech, and the room became still and the eyes of his hearers grew dim. It may have been even more moving than when originally given, for now the closing words, “homeward bound,” had only the deeper meaning.

President Lawrence was the toastmaster for the evening, and he wrapped up his usual speech by introducing Robert Porter, who had hosted Mark Twain in Oxford. Porter shared some highlights of the memorable week at Oxford and then introduced Mark Twain. Everyone thought Clemens would recount his experiences in London. Instead, he mentioned he had started a new kind of collection—a collection of compliments. He had gathered several valuable ones both abroad and at home. He read select ones and entertained the crowd with cheers and laughter until just before he finished his speech. Then he dramatically repeated the powerful conclusion of his Liverpool speech, causing the room to fall silent and the eyes of his audience to mist up. It might have been even more moving than when he first delivered it, as the closing phrase, “homeward bound,” carried a deeper significance now.

Dr. John MacArthur followed with a speech that was as good a sermon as any he ever delivered, and closed it by saying:

Dr. John MacArthur gave a speech that was just as powerful as any sermon he ever preached, and he ended it by saying:

“I do not want men to prepare for heaven, but to prepare to remain on earth, and it is such men as Mark Twain who make other men not fit to die, but fit to live.”

“I don't want men to get ready for heaven, but to get ready to stay on earth, and it's men like Mark Twain who make other men not ready to die, but ready to live.”

Andrew Carnegie also spoke, and Colonel Harvey, and as the speaking ended Robert Porter stepped up behind Clemens and threw over his shoulders the scarlet Oxford robe which had been surreptitiously brought, and placed the mortar-board cap upon his head, while the diners vociferated their approval. Clemens was quite calm.

Andrew Carnegie also spoke, along with Colonel Harvey, and when the speeches were done, Robert Porter went up behind Clemens and draped the red Oxford robe over his shoulders, which had been secretly brought in, and set the mortar-board cap on his head while the diners loudly cheered their approval. Clemens remained quite composed.

“I like this,” he said, when the noise had subsided. “I like its splendid color. I would dress that way all the time, if I dared.”

“I really like this,” he said, once the noise died down. “I love the bright color. I would wear that all the time, if I had the guts.”

In the cab going home I mentioned the success of his speech, how well it had been received.

In the cab on the way home, I talked about how successful his speech was and how well everyone received it.

“Yes,” he said; “but then I have the advantage of knowing now that I am likely to be favorably received, whatever I say. I know that my audiences are warm and responseful. It is an immense advantage to feel that. There are cold places in almost every speech, and if your audience notices them and becomes cool, you get a chill yourself in those zones, and it is hard to warm up again. Perhaps there haven't been so many lately; but I have been acquainted with them more than once.” And then I could not help remembering that deadly Whittier birthday speech of more than thirty years before—that bleak, arctic experience from beginning to end.

“Yes,” he said, “but now I know I’ll probably be received well, no matter what I say. I know my audiences are warm and engaged. That’s a huge advantage to feel. There are always cold spots in any speech, and if your audience picks up on them and starts to feel indifferent, you get a chill too, and it’s tough to recover. Maybe there haven’t been too many lately, but I’ve experienced them more than once.” And then I couldn’t help remembering that awful Whittier birthday speech from over thirty years ago—a bleak, frozen experience from start to finish.

“We have just time for four games,” he said, as we reached the billiard-room; but there was no sign of stopping when the four games were over. We were winning alternately, and neither noted the time. I was leaving by an early train, and was willing to play all night. The milk-wagons were rattling outside when he said:

“We've got time for just four games,” he said as we got to the billiard room, but there was no hint of stopping when the four games were done. We were taking turns winning, and neither of us was keeping track of the time. I was catching an early train and was up for playing all night. The milk trucks were clattering outside when he said:

“Well, perhaps we'd better quit now. It seems pretty early, though.” I looked at my watch. It was quarter to four, and we said good night.

“Well, maybe we should just call it a night. It feels pretty early, though.” I checked my watch. It was 3:45, and we said good night.





CCLXVI. A WINTER IN BERMUDA

Edmund Clarence Stedman died suddenly at his desk, January 18, 1908, and Clemens, in response to telegrams, sent this message:

Edmund Clarence Stedman suddenly passed away at his desk on January 18, 1908, and Clemens, in reply to the telegrams, sent this message:

I do not wish to talk about it. He was a valued friend from days that date back thirty-five years. His loss stuns me and unfits me to speak.

I don’t want to talk about it. He was a close friend from thirty-five years ago. His loss shocks me and leaves me unable to speak.

He recalled the New England dinners which he used to attend, and where he had often met Stedman.

He remembered the New England dinners he used to go to, where he often ran into Stedman.

“Those were great affairs,” he said. “They began early, and they ended early. I used to go down from Hartford with the feeling that it wasn't an all-night supper, and that it was going to be an enjoyable time. Choate and Depew and Stedman were in their prime then—we were all young men together. Their speeches were always worth listening to. Stedman was a prominent figure there. There don't seem to be any such men now—or any such occasions.”

“Those were amazing gatherings,” he said. “They started early and wrapped up early. I used to travel down from Hartford with the mindset that it wasn’t an all-night dinner and that it was going to be a good time. Choate, Depew, and Stedman were at their best then—we were all young guys together. Their speeches were always engaging. Stedman was a key figure there. It doesn't seem like there are any men like that now—or any events like those.”

Stedman was one of the last of the old literary group. Aldrich had died the year before. Howells and Clemens were the lingering “last leaves.”

Stedman was one of the last members of the old literary group. Aldrich had passed away the year before. Howells and Clemens were the remaining "last leaves."

Clemens gave some further luncheon entertainments to his friends, and added the feature of “doe” luncheons—pretty affairs where, with Clara Clemens as hostess, were entertained a group of brilliant women, such as Mrs. Kate Douglas Riggs, Geraldine Farrax, Mrs. Robert Collier, Mrs. Frank Doubleday, and others. I cannot report those luncheons, for I was not present, and the drift of the proceedings came to me later in too fragmentary a form to be used as history; but I gathered from Clemens himself that he had done all of the talking, and I think they must have been very pleasant afternoons. Among the acknowledgments that followed one of these affairs is this characteristic word-play from Mrs. Riggs:

Clemens hosted more lunch events for his friends, introducing "doe" luncheons—charming gatherings where Clara Clemens served as the hostess for a group of remarkable women, including Mrs. Kate Douglas Riggs, Geraldine Farrax, Mrs. Robert Collier, Mrs. Frank Doubleday, and others. I can't report on those luncheons because I wasn't there, and the details I received later were too scattered to be used as history; however, I learned from Clemens himself that he did most of the talking, and I imagine they were very enjoyable afternoons. Among the thank-you notes that came after one of these events was this clever wordplay from Mrs. Riggs:

    N. B.—A lady who is invited to and attends a doe luncheon is, of
    course, a doe. The question is, if she attends two doe luncheons in
    succession is she a doe-doe? If so is she extinct and can never
    attend a third?
    N. B.—A woman who is invited to and goes to a doe luncheon is, of course, a doe. The question is, if she goes to two doe luncheons in a row, is she a doe-doe? If so, is she extinct and can never go to a third?

Luncheons and billiards, however, failed to give sufficient brightness to the dull winter days, or to insure him against an impending bronchial attack, and toward the end of January he sailed away to Bermuda, where skies were bluer and roadsides gay with bloom. His sojourn was brief this time, but long enough to cure him, he said, and he came back full of happiness. He had been driving about over the island with a newly adopted granddaughter, little Margaret Blackmer, whom he had met one morning in the hotel dining-room. A part of his dictated story will convey here this pretty experience.

Luncheons and billiards, however, didn't bring enough brightness to the dull winter days or protect him from an upcoming bronchial issue, so toward the end of January he headed off to Bermuda, where the skies were bluer and the roadsides were filled with blooms. His stay was short this time, but long enough to heal him, he said, and he returned full of happiness. He had been driving around the island with his newly adopted granddaughter, little Margaret Blackmer, whom he had met one morning in the hotel dining room. A portion of his dictated story will share this lovely experience.

    My first day in Bermuda paid a dividend—in fact a double dividend:
    it broke the back of my cold and it added a jewel to my collection.
    As I entered the breakfast-room the first object I saw in that
    spacious and far-reaching place was a little girl seated solitary at
    a table for two. I bent down over her and patted her cheek and
    said:

    “I don't seem to remember your name; what is it?”

    By the sparkle in her brown eyes it amused her. She said:

    “Why, you've never known it, Mr. Clemens, because you've never seen
    me before.”

    “Why, that is true, now that I come to think; it certainly is true,
    and it must be one of the reasons why I have forgotten your name.
    But I remember it now perfectly—it's Mary.”

    She was amused again; amused beyond smiling; amused to a chuckle,
    and she said:

    “Oh no, it isn't; it's Margaret.”

    I feigned to be ashamed of my mistake and said:

    “Ah, well, I couldn't have made that mistake a few years ago; but I
    am old, and one of age's earliest infirmities is a damaged memory;
    but I am clearer now—clearer-headed—it all comes back to me just
    as if it were yesterday. It's Margaret Holcomb.”

    She was surprised into a laugh this time, the rippling laugh that a
    happy brook makes when it breaks out of the shade into the sunshine,
    and she said:

    “Oh, you are wrong again; you don't get anything right. It isn't
    Holcomb, it's Blackmer.”

    I was ashamed again, and confessed it; then:

    “How old are you, dear?”

    “Twelve; New-Year's. Twelve and a month.”

    We were close comrades-inseparables, in fact-for eight days. Every
    day we made pedestrian excursions—called them that anyway, and
    honestly they were intended for that, and that is what they would
    have been but for the persistent intrusion of a gray and grave and
    rough-coated donkey by the name of Maud. Maud was four feet long;
    she was mounted on four slender little stilts, and had ears that
    doubled her altitude when she stood them up straight. Her tender
    was a little bit of a cart with seat room for two in it, and you
    could fall out of it without knowing it, it was so close to the
    ground. This battery was in command of a nice, grave, dignified,
    gentlefaced little black boy whose age was about twelve, and whose
    name, for some reason or other, was Reginald. Reginald and Maud—I
    shall not easily forget those names, nor the combination they stood
    for. The trips going and coming were five or six miles, and it
    generally took us three hours to make it. This was because Maud set
    the pace. Whenever she detected an ascending grade she respected
    it; she stopped and said with her ears:

    “This is getting unsatisfactory. We will camp here.”

    The whole idea of these excursions was that Margaret and I should
    employ them for the gathering of strength, by walking, yet we were
    oftener in the cart than out of it. She drove and I superintended.
    In the course of the first excursions I found a beautiful little
    shell on the beach at Spanish Point; its hinge was old and dry, and
    the two halves came apart in my hand. I gave one of them to
    Margaret and said:

    “Now dear, sometime or other in the future I shall run across you
    somewhere, and it may turn out that it is not you at all, but will
    be some girl that only resembles you. I shall be saying to myself
    'I know that this is a Margaret by the look of her, but I don't know
    for sure whether this is my Margaret or somebody else's'; but, no
    matter, I can soon find out, for I shall take my half shell out of
    my pocket and say, 'I think you are my Margaret, but I am not
    certain; if you are my Margaret you can produce the other half of
    this shell.'”

    Next morning when I entered the breakfast-room and saw the child I
    approached and scanned her searchingly all over, then said, sadly:

    “No, I am mistaken; it looks like my Margaret,—but it isn't, and I
    am so sorry. I shall go away and cry now.”

    Her eyes danced triumphantly, and she cried out:

    “No, you don't have to. There!” and she fetched out the identifying
    shell.

    I was beside myself with gratitude and joyful surprise, and revealed
    it from every pore. The child could not have enjoyed this thrilling
    little drama more if we had been playing it on the stage. Many
    times afterward she played the chief part herself, pretending to be
    in doubt as to my identity and challenging me to produce my half of
    the shell. She was always hoping to catch me without it, but I
    always defeated that game—wherefore she came to recognize at last
    that I was not only old, but very smart.
    My first day in Bermuda was rewarding—actually, it was a double reward: it cured my cold and added a new piece to my collection. As I walked into the breakfast room, the first thing I noticed in that spacious place was a little girl sitting alone at a table for two. I bent down and patted her cheek, asking:

    “I don’t seem to remember your name; what is it?”

    The sparkle in her brown eyes showed she found it amusing. She replied:

    “Well, you’ve never known it, Mr. Clemens, because you’ve never seen me before.”

    “That’s true; now that I think about it, it makes sense. That must be one reason I forgot your name. But now I remember it perfectly—it’s Mary.”

    She was amused again—more than just smiling; she chuckled and said:

    “Oh no, it’s not; it’s Margaret.”

    I pretended to be embarrassed by my mistake and said:

    “Ah, well, I wouldn’t have made that mistake a few years ago; but I’m getting old, and one of the first things to go with age is memory. But I’m clearer now—clearer-headed—it all comes back to me like it was yesterday. It’s Margaret Holcomb.”

    She burst into laughter this time, a delightful laugh like a happy brook breaking into sunlight, and she said:

    “Oh, you’re wrong again; you can’t get anything right. It’s not Holcomb, it’s Blackmer.”

    I felt embarrassed again and admitted it; then I asked:

    “How old are you, dear?”

    “Twelve; since New Year’s. Twelve and a month.”

    We were close friends—inseparable, actually—for eight days. Every day, we had our little adventures—at least that’s what we called them, and they were meant to be that way, except for the persistent interruption of a gray, serious, rough-coated donkey named Maud. Maud was about four feet long; she stood on four skinny little legs, and her ears made her look even taller when she perked them up. Her carriage was a tiny cart with room for two, and you could easily fall out of it without realizing it because it was so low to the ground. This operation was overseen by a nice, serious little black boy who was about twelve and, for some reason, named Reginald. Reginald and Maud—I won’t forget those names or what they represented. Our trips back and forth were about five or six miles, and it usually took us three hours to make the round trip because of Maud’s pace. Whenever she noticed a hill, she would stop and say with her ears:

    “This is getting unsatisfactory. We’ll camp here.”

    The whole point of these outings was for Margaret and me to build up our strength by walking, yet we spent more time in the cart than out of it. She drove while I kept an eye on things. During our first few excursions, I found a beautiful little shell on the beach at Spanish Point; its hinge was old and dry, and the two halves came apart in my hand. I gave one half to Margaret and said:

    “Now dear, someday in the future, I might run into you again, though it could be with another girl who just looks like you. I’ll say to myself, ‘I know this is a Margaret by her look, but I can’t be sure if she’s my Margaret or someone else’s,’ but it won’t matter because I can quickly find out. I’ll take my half shell out of my pocket and say, ‘I think you’re my Margaret, but I’m not sure; if you are my Margaret, you can show me the other half of this shell.’”

    The next morning when I entered the breakfast room and saw the girl, I approached her, looking her over carefully, then said, sadly:

    “No, I’m mistaken; she looks like my Margaret—but she isn’t, and I’m so sorry. I think I’ll go away and cry now.”

    Her eyes lit up with triumph, and she exclaimed:

    “No, you don’t have to. Look!” and she pulled out the matching shell.

    I was overwhelmed with gratitude and joy, showing it in every way. The girl couldn’t have enjoyed this little drama more if we’d been performing on a stage. Many times after, she took the lead, pretending to doubt my identity and challenging me to produce my half of the shell. She always hoped to catch me without it, but I always won that game—so she finally realized that I wasn’t just old but also quite clever.

Sometimes, when they were not walking or driving, they sat on the veranda, and he prepared history-lessons for little Margaret by making grotesque figures on cards with numerous legs and arms and other fantastic symbols end features to fix the length of some king's reign. For William the Conqueror, for instance, who reigned twenty-one years, he drew a figure of eleven legs and ten arms. It was the proper method of impressing facts upon the mind of a child. It carried him back to those days at Elmira when he had arranged for his own little girls the game of kings. A Miss Wallace, a friend of Margaret's, and usually one of the pedestrian party, has written a dainty book of those Bermudian days.—[Mark Twain and the Happy Islands, by Elizabeth Wallace.]

Sometimes, when they weren't walking or driving, they sat on the porch, and he prepared history lessons for little Margaret by making strange figures on cards with lots of legs and arms and other wild symbols and features to represent the length of some king's reign. For William the Conqueror, for instance, who ruled for twenty-one years, he drew a figure with eleven legs and ten arms. It was the right way to help a child remember facts. It reminded him of the days in Elmira when he set up the game of kings for his own little girls. A Miss Wallace, a friend of Margaret's and usually part of the walking group, wrote a charming book about those Bermudian days.—[Mark Twain and the Happy Islands, by Elizabeth Wallace.]

Miss Wallace says:

Miss Wallace says:

    Margaret felt for him the deep affection that children have for an
    older person who understands them and treats them with respect. Mr.
    Clemens never talked down to her, but considered her opinions with a
    sweet dignity.
    Margaret felt a strong affection for him, like the bond children share with an older person who understands them and treats them with respect. Mr. Clemens never talked down to her; instead, he valued her opinions with a gentle dignity.

There were some pretty sequels to the shell incident. After Mark Twain had returned to New York, and Margaret was there, she called one day with her mother, and sent up her card. He sent back word, saying:

There were some interesting follow-ups to the shell incident. After Mark Twain got back to New York, and Margaret was there, she visited one day with her mother and sent up her card. He replied:

    “I seem to remember the name; but if this is really the person whom
    I think it is she can identify herself by a certain shell I once
    gave her, of which I have the other half. If the two halves fit, I
    shall know that this is the same little Margaret that I remember.”
 
 “I think I recognize the name; but if this is truly the person I believe it is, she can prove her identity with a shell I once gave her, of which I have the other half. If the two halves match, I'll know that this is the same little Margaret I remember.”

The message went down, and the other half of the shell was promptly sent up. Mark Twain had the two half-shells incised firmly in gold, and one of these he wore on his watch-fob, and sent the other to Margaret.

The message was sent down, and the other half of the shell was quickly sent up. Mark Twain had the two halves engraved in gold, and he wore one on his watch chain and sent the other to Margaret.

He afterward corresponded with Margaret, and once wrote her:

He later communicated with Margaret and once wrote to her:

    I'm already making mistakes. When I was in New York, six weeks ago,
    I was on a corner of Fifth Avenue and I saw a small girl—not a big
    one—start across from the opposite corner, and I exclaimed to
    myself joyfully, “That is certainly my Margaret!” so I rushed to
    meet her. But as she came nearer I began to doubt, and said to
    myself, “It's a Margaret—that is plain enough—but I'm afraid it is
    somebody else's.” So when I was passing her I held my shell so she
    couldn't help but see it. Dear, she only glanced at it and passed
    on! I wondered if she could have overlooked it. It seemed best to
    find out; so I turned and followed and caught up with her, and said,
    deferentially; “Dear Miss, I already know your first name by the
    look of you, but would you mind telling me your other one?” She was
    vexed and said pretty sharply, “It's Douglas, if you're so anxious
    to know. I know your name by your looks, and I'd advise you to shut
    yourself up with your pen and ink and write some more rubbish. I am
    surprised that they allow you to run' at large. You are likely to
    get run over by a baby-carriage any time. Run along now and don't
    let the cows bite you.”

    What an idea! There aren't any cows in Fifth Avenue. But I didn't
    smile; I didn't let on to perceive how uncultured she was. She was
    from the country, of course, and didn't know what a comical blunder.
    she was making.
    I'm already messing up. When I was in New York six weeks ago, I was on a corner of Fifth Avenue and saw a little girl—not a big one—coming from the opposite corner, and I thought joyfully, “That’s definitely my Margaret!” so I hurried to meet her. But as she got closer, I started to doubt and said to myself, “It’s a Margaret—that’s clear enough—but I’m afraid it belongs to someone else.” So as I was passing her, I held my shell so she couldn’t help but see it. But she just glanced at it and walked by! I wondered if she missed it. It seemed best to find out; so I turned, caught up to her, and said politely, “Dear Miss, I already know your first name just by looking at you, but could you tell me your other one?” She was annoyed and said pretty sharply, “It’s Douglas, if you’re so eager to know. I can tell your name by your looks, and I’d suggest you lock yourself away with your pen and paper and write some more nonsense. I’m surprised they let you roam around. You might get run over by a baby carriage any time. Now run along and don’t let the cows bite you.” 

    What a thought! There aren’t any cows on Fifth Avenue. But I didn’t smile; I didn’t let on that I noticed how uncultured she was. She was from the country, obviously, and didn’t realize what a silly mistake she was making.

Mr. Rogers's health was very poor that winter, and Clemens urged him to try Bermuda, and offered to go back with him; so they sailed away to the summer island, and though Margaret was gone, there was other entertaining company—other granddaughters to be adopted, and new friends and old friends, and diversions of many sorts. Mr. Rogers's son-in-law, William Evarts Benjamin, came down and joined the little group. It was one of Mark Twain's real holidays. Mr. Rogers's health improved rapidly, and Mark Twain was in fine trim. To Mrs. Rogers, at the end of the first week, he wrote:

Mr. Rogers was in really bad health that winter, so Clemens encouraged him to try Bermuda and offered to go along. They set sail for the sunny island, and although Margaret was no longer there, there was still plenty of entertaining company—other granddaughters to be adopted, new friends, old friends, and all sorts of activities. Mr. Rogers's son-in-law, William Evarts Benjamin, came down to join their small group. It was one of Mark Twain's true vacations. Mr. Rogers's health improved quickly, and Mark Twain was feeling great. At the end of the first week, he wrote to Mrs. Rogers:

    DEAR MRS. ROGERS, He is getting along splendidly! This was the very
    place for him. He enjoys himself & is as quarrelsome as a cat.

    But he will get a backset if Benjamin goes home. Benjamin is the
    brightest man in these regions, & the best company. Bright? He is
    much more than that, he is brilliant. He keeps the crowd intensely
    alive.

    With love & all good wishes.
                            S. L. C.
    DEAR MRS. ROGERS, He is doing great! This was the perfect place for him. He’s having a good time and is as feisty as a cat.

    But he might take a step back if Benjamin goes home. Benjamin is the smartest guy around here and the best company. Smart? He’s way more than that; he’s brilliant. He keeps everyone energized.

    With love and all good wishes.
                            S. L. C.

Mark Twain and Henry Rogers were much together and much observed. They were often referred to as “the King” and “the Rajah,” and it was always a question whether it was “the King” who took care of “the Rajah,” or vice versa. There was generally a group to gather around them, and Clemens was sure of an attentive audience, whether he wanted to air his philosophies, his views of the human race, or to read aloud from the verses of Kipling.

Mark Twain and Henry Rogers spent a lot of time together and were frequently in the spotlight. They were often called “the King” and “the Rajah,” and it was always up for debate whether it was “the King” who looked after “the Rajah,” or the other way around. A crowd usually formed around them, and Clemens could count on an engaged audience, whether he wanted to share his thoughts, discuss humanity, or read aloud from Kipling's poetry.

“I am not fond of all poetry,” he would say; “but there's something in Kipling that appeals to me. I guess he's just about my level.”

“I’m not a big fan of all poetry,” he would say; “but there’s something in Kipling that resonates with me. I suppose he’s right on my wavelength.”

Miss Wallace recalls certain Kipling readings in his room, when his friends gathered to listen.

Miss Wallace remembers some Kipling readings in his room when his friends came over to listen.

    On those Kipling evenings the 'mise-en-scene' was a striking one.
    The bare hotel room, the pine woodwork and pine furniture, loose
    windows which rattled in the sea-wind. Once in a while a gust of
    asthmatic music from the spiritless orchestra downstairs came up the
    hallway. Yellow, unprotected gas-lights burned uncertainly, and
    Mark Twain in the midst of this lay on his bed (there was no couch)
    still in his white serge suit, with the light from the jet shining
    down on the crown of his silver hair, making it gleam and glisten
    like frosted threads.
    On those Kipling evenings, the scene was quite striking. The bare hotel room, the pine woodwork and furniture, and the loose windows rattling in the sea breeze. Occasionally, a gust of wheezing music from the lifeless orchestra downstairs drifted up the hallway. Yellow, unprotected gas lights flickered uncertainly, and in the midst of this, Mark Twain lay on his bed (there was no couch), still in his white serge suit, with the light from the jet reflecting off the crown of his silver hair, making it shine and glisten like frosted threads.

In one hand he held his book, in the other he had his pipe, which he used principally to gesture with in the most dramatic passages.

In one hand, he held his book, and in the other, he had his pipe, which he mainly used to gesture dramatically during the most intense moments.

Margaret's small successors became the earliest members of the Angel Fish Club, which Clemens concluded to organize after a visit to the spectacular Bermuda aquarium. The pretty angel-fish suggested youth and feminine beauty to him, and his adopted granddaughters became angel-fish to him from that time forward. He bought little enamel angel-fish pins, and carried a number of them with him most of the time, so that he could create membership on short notice. It was just another of the harmless and happy diversions of his gentler side. He was always fond of youth and freshness. He regarded the decrepitude of old age as an unnecessary part of life. Often he said:

Margaret's little successors became the first members of the Angel Fish Club, which Clemens decided to create after visiting the amazing aquarium in Bermuda. The beautiful angel fish reminded him of youth and feminine beauty, and from that moment on, his adopted granddaughters were his little angel fish. He bought small enamel angel fish pins and usually carried several with him so he could create new members on the spot. It was just another one of the fun and innocent diversions reflecting his kinder nature. He always appreciated youth and freshness. He considered the frailty of old age an unnecessary part of life. Often he said:

“If I had been helping the Almighty when, He created man, I would have had Him begin at the other end, and start human beings with old age. How much better it would have been to start old and have all the bitterness and blindness of age in the beginning! One would not mind then if he were looking forward to a joyful youth. Think of the joyous prospect of growing young instead of old! Think of looking forward to eighteen instead of eighty! Yes, the Almighty made a poor job of it. I wish He had invited my assistance.”

"If I had been helping the Almighty when He created man, I would have had Him start at the other end and begin human beings with old age. How much better it would have been to start old and deal with all the bitterness and blindness of age first! Then, one wouldn't mind looking forward to a joyful youth. Imagine the happy prospect of getting younger instead of older! Think about anticipating eighteen instead of eighty! Yes, the Almighty didn't do a great job. I wish He had asked for my help."

To one of the angel fish he wrote, just after his return:

To one of the angelfish he wrote, right after his return:

    I miss you, dear. I miss Bermuda, too, but not so much as I miss
    you; for you were rare, and occasional and select, and Ltd.; whereas
    Bermuda's charms and, graciousnesses were free and common and
    unrestricted—like the rain, you know, which falls upon the just and
    the unjust alike; a thing which would not happen if I were
    superintending the rain's affairs. No, I would rain softly and
    sweetly upon the just, but whenever I caught a sample of the unjust
    outdoors I would drown him.
I miss you, my dear. I miss Bermuda too, but not nearly as much as I miss you; you were unique, special, and rare, while Bermuda's beauty and kindness were abundant and accessible—like the rain, which falls on both the good and the bad alike; something that wouldn't happen if I were in charge of the rain. No, I would let it gently and pleasantly fall on the good, but whenever I saw a bad person outside, I would make sure to drench them.




CCLXVII. VIEWS AND ADDRESSES

    [As I am beginning this chapter, April 16, 1912, the news comes of
    the loss, on her first trip, of the great White Star Line steamer
    Titanic, with the destruction of many passengers, among whom are
    Frank D. Millet, William T. Stead, Isadore Straus, John Jacob Astor,
    and other distinguished men. They died as heroes, remaining with
    the ship in order that the women and children might be saved.

    It was the kind of death Frank Millet would have wished to die.
    He was always a soldier—a knight. He has appeared from time to
    time in these pages, for he was a dear friend of the Clemens
    household. One of America's foremost painters; at the time of his
    death he was head of the American Academy of Arts in Rome.]
    [As I start this chapter on April 16, 1912, the news arrives about the sinking of the great White Star Line ship Titanic on its maiden voyage, resulting in the loss of many passengers, including Frank D. Millet, William T. Stead, Isadore Straus, John Jacob Astor, and other prominent figures. They perished like heroes, staying on the ship so that women and children could escape.

    It was the kind of death Frank Millet would have wanted. He was always a soldier—a knight. He has shown up from time to time in these pages because he was a close friend of the Clemens family. One of America's leading painters, he was the head of the American Academy of Arts in Rome when he died.]

Mark Twain made a number of addresses during the spring of 1908. He spoke at the Cartoonists' dinner, very soon after his return from Bermuda; he spoke at the Booksellers' banquet, expressing his debt of obligation to those who had published and sold his books; he delivered a fine address at the dinner given by the British Schools and University Club at Delmonico's, May 25th, in honor of Queen Victoria's birthday. In that speech he paid high tribute to the Queen for her attitude toward America, during the crisis of the Civil Wax, and to her royal consort, Prince Albert.

Mark Twain gave several speeches in the spring of 1908. He spoke at the Cartoonists' dinner shortly after returning from Bermuda; he spoke at the Booksellers' banquet, showing his appreciation for those who published and sold his books; he delivered an excellent speech at the dinner hosted by the British Schools and University Club at Delmonico's on May 25th, in celebration of Queen Victoria's birthday. In that speech, he praised the Queen for her positive stance toward America during the Civil War crisis, as well as honoring her husband, Prince Albert.

    What she did for us in America in our time of storm and stress we
    shall not forget, and whenever we call it to mind we shall always
    gratefully remember the wise and righteous mind that guided her in
    it and sustained and supported her—Prince Albert's. We need not
    talk any idle talk here to-night about either possible or impossible
    war between two countries; there will be no war while we remain sane
    and the son of Victoria and Albert sits upon the throne. In
    conclusion, I believe I may justly claim to utter the voice of my
    country in saying that we hold him in deep honor, and also in
    cordially wishing him a long life and a happy reign.
What she did for us in America during our tough times is something we'll never forget. Whenever we think about it, we'll always gratefully remember the wise and just mind that guided and supported her—Prince Albert's. There's no need to waste time tonight discussing the possibility of war between our countries; there will be no conflict as long as we stay rational and the son of Victoria and Albert is on the throne. In closing, I believe I can rightly express my country's sentiment by saying that we hold him in great respect, and we also sincerely wish him a long life and a successful reign.

But perhaps his most impressive appearance was at the dedication of the great City College (May 14, 1908), where President John Finley, who had been struggling along with insufficient room, was to have space at last for his freer and fuller educational undertakings. A great number of honored scholars, statesmen, and diplomats assembled on the college campus, a spacious open court surrounded by stately college architecture of medieval design. These distinguished guests were clad in their academic robes, and the procession could not have been widely different from that one at Oxford of a year before. But there was something rather fearsome about it, too. A kind of scaffolding had been reared in the center of the campus for the ceremonies; and when those grave men in their robes of state stood grouped upon it the picture was strikingly suggestive of one of George Cruikshank's drawings of an execution scene at the Tower of London. Many of the robes were black—these would be the priests—and the few scarlet ones would be the cardinals who might have assembled for some royal martyrdom. There was a bright May sunlight over it all, one of those still, cool brightnesses which served to heighten the weird effect. I am sure that others felt it besides myself, for everybody seemed wordless and awed, even at times when there was no occasion for silence. There was something of another age about the whole setting, to say the least.

But maybe his most impressive appearance was at the dedication of the great City College (May 14, 1908), where President John Finley, who had been struggling with limited space, finally had room for his broader and more comprehensive educational efforts. A large number of respected scholars, statesmen, and diplomats gathered on the college campus, a spacious open courtyard surrounded by impressive medieval-style college buildings. These distinguished guests wore their academic robes, and the procession looked quite similar to the one at Oxford a year earlier. However, there was something a bit intimidating about it, too. A kind of scaffold had been set up in the center of the campus for the ceremonies; and when those serious men in their formal robes stood together on it, the scene was strikingly reminiscent of one of George Cruikshank's drawings of an execution at the Tower of London. Many of the robes were black—representing the priests—and the few scarlet ones were like the cardinals who might have gathered for some royal martyrdom. A bright May sunshine lit it all up, one of those still, cool brightnesses that enhanced the strange effect. I’m sure others felt it too, because everyone seemed speechless and awed, even at times when silence wasn’t necessary. There was definitely something from another era about the whole atmosphere, to say the least.

We left the place in a motor-car, a crowd of boys following after. As Clemens got in they gathered around the car and gave the college yell, ending with “Twain! Twain! Twain!” and added three cheers for Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn, and Pudd'nhead Wilson. They called for a speech, but he only said a few words in apology for not granting their request. He made a speech to them that night at the Waldorf—where he proposed for the City College a chair of citizenship, an idea which met with hearty applause.

We drove away in a car, with a bunch of boys following us. When Clemens got in, they surrounded the car and cheered with the college yell, ending with “Twain! Twain! Twain!” They also gave three cheers for Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn, and Pudd'nhead Wilson. They asked for a speech, but he just said a few words to apologize for not being able to fulfill their request. That night, he gave a speech at the Waldorf, where he proposed a chair of citizenship for the City College, an idea that received a warm response.

In the same address he referred to the “God Trust” motto on the coins, and spoke approvingly of the President's order for its removal.

In the same speech, he mentioned the “In God We Trust” motto on the coins and expressed his support for the President's decision to have it removed.

    We do not trust in God, in the important matters of life, and not
    even a minister of the Gospel will take any coin for a cent more
    than its accepted value because of that motto. If cholera should
    ever reach these shores we should probably pray to be delivered from
    the plague, but we would put our main trust in the Board of Health.
    We don't rely on God for the important things in life, and even a minister of the Gospel won't take more than the usual value for a coin because of that belief. If cholera ever arrives here, we might pray to be saved from the outbreak, but we would mostly depend on the Board of Health.

Next morning, commenting on the report of this speech, he said:

Next morning, he commented on the report of this speech, saying:

“If only the reporters would not try to improve on what I say. They seem to miss the fact that the very art of saying a thing effectively is in its delicacy, and as they can't reproduce the manner and intonation in type they make it emphatic and clumsy in trying to convey it to the reader.”

“If only the reporters would stop trying to improve what I say. They seem to overlook the fact that expressing something effectively relies on its subtlety, and since they can't capture the tone and nuance in writing, they end up making it sound awkward and heavy-handed in an attempt to convey it to the reader.”

I pleaded that the reporters were often young men, eager, and unmellowed in their sense of literary art.

I argued that the reporters were often young guys, enthusiastic, and unrefined in their understanding of literary art.

“Yes,” he agreed, “they are so afraid their readers won't see my good points that they set up red flags to mark them and beat a gong. They mean well, but I wish they wouldn't do it.”

"Yes," he agreed, "they're so worried that their readers won't recognize my strengths that they put up red flags to point them out and sound an alarm. They have good intentions, but I really wish they wouldn't."

He referred to the portion of his speech concerning the motto on the coins. He had freely expressed similar sentiments on other public occasions, and he had received a letter criticizing him for saying that we do not really trust in God in any financial matter.

He talked about the part of his speech regarding the motto on the coins. He had openly shared similar thoughts at other public events, and he had gotten a letter criticizing him for saying that we don’t truly trust in God when it comes to money.

“I wanted to answer it,” he said; “but I destroyed it. It didn't seem worth noticing.”

“I wanted to respond to it,” he said; “but I got rid of it. It didn't seem worth paying attention to.”

I asked how the motto had originated.

I asked where the motto had come from.

“About 1853 some idiot in Congress wanted to announce to the world that this was a religious nation, and proposed putting it there, and no other Congressman had courage enough to oppose it, of course. It took courage in those days to do a thing like that; but I think the same thing would happen to-day.”

“About 1853, some clueless person in Congress wanted to declare to the world that this was a religious nation and suggested making it official. No other Congressman had the guts to stand up against it, of course. It took bravery back then to do something like that; but I believe the same thing would happen today.”

“Still the country has become broader. It took a brave man before the Civil War to confess he had read the 'Age of Reason'.”

"Still, the country has become bigger. It took a courageous man before the Civil War to admit he had read the 'Age of Reason.'"

“So it did, and yet that seems a mild book now. I read it first when I was a cub pilot, read it with fear and hesitation, but marveling at its fearlessness and wonderful power. I read it again a year or two ago, for some reason, and was amazed to see how tame it had become. It seemed that Paine was apologizing everywhere for hurting the feelings of the reader.”

“So it did, and yet that seems like a mild book now. I first read it when I was a cub pilot, approaching it with fear and hesitation, but amazed by its boldness and incredible strength. I picked it up again a year or two ago for some reason and was shocked to see how soft it had become. It felt like Paine was constantly apologizing for upsetting the reader’s feelings.”

He drifted, naturally, into a discussion of the Knickerbocker Trust Company's suspension, which had tied up some fifty-five thousand dollars of his capital, and wondered how many were trusting in God for the return of these imperiled sums. Clemens himself, at this time, did not expect to come out whole from that disaster. He had said very little when the news came, though it meant that his immediate fortunes were locked up, and it came near stopping the building activities at Redding. It was only the smaller things of life that irritated him. He often met large calamities with a serenity which almost resembled indifference. In the Knickerbocker situation he even found humor as time passed, and wrote a number of gay letters, some of which found their way into print.

He naturally started talking about the Knickerbocker Trust Company's suspension, which had tied up about fifty-five thousand dollars of his money, and wondered how many people were relying on God to get their risky investments back. At this point, Clemens didn't expect to recover from that disaster. When the news hit, he didn't say much, even though it meant his immediate finances were stuck, and it almost stopped the construction projects in Redding. It was the small things in life that bothered him. He often faced big disasters with a calmness that looked a lot like indifference. With the Knickerbocker situation, he even found some humor as time went on and wrote a number of lighthearted letters, some of which were published.

It should be added that in the end there was no loss to any of the Knickerbocker depositors.

It’s worth noting that, in the end, none of the Knickerbocker depositors lost any money.





CCLXVIII. REDDING

The building of the new home at Redding had been going steadily forward for something more than a year. John Mead Howells had made the plans; W. W. Sunderland and his son Philip, of Danbury, Connecticut, were the builders, and in the absence of Miss Clemens, then on a concert tour, Mark Twain's secretary, Miss I. V. Lyon, had superintended the furnishing.

The construction of the new house in Redding had been steadily progressing for over a year. John Mead Howells created the designs; W. W. Sunderland and his son Philip from Danbury, Connecticut, were the contractors, and while Miss Clemens was away on a concert tour, Mark Twain's secretary, Miss I. V. Lyon, managed the furnishing.

“Innocence at Home,” as the place was originally named, was to be ready for its occupant in June, with every detail in place, as he desired. He had never visited Redding; he had scarcely even glanced at the plans or discussed any of the decorations of the new home. He had required only that there should be one great living-room for the orchestrelle, and another big room for the billiard-table, with plenty of accommodations for guests. He had required that the billiard-room be red, for something in his nature answered to the warm luxury of that color, particularly in moments of diversion. Besides, his other billiard-rooms had been red, and such association may not be lightly disregarded. His one other requirement was that the place should be complete.

"Innocence at Home," as the place was originally called, was set to be ready for its occupant in June, with every detail arranged just as he wanted. He had never been to Redding; he had hardly even looked at the plans or talked about any of the decorations for the new home. All he asked for was one large living room for the orchestrelle, and another big room for the billiard table, with plenty of space for guests. He specifically wanted the billiard room to be red, because something in his nature resonated with the warm luxury of that color, especially during moments of leisure. Also, his other billiard rooms had been red, and such associations shouldn't be taken lightly. His only other request was that the place should be finished.

“I don't want to see it,” he said, “until the cat is purring on the hearth.”

“I don't want to see it,” he said, “until the cat is purring by the fire.”

Howells says:

Howells says:

“He had grown so weary of change, and so indifferent to it, that he was without interest.”

“He had become so tired of change and so indifferent to it that he had lost all interest.”

But it was rather, I think, that he was afraid of losing interest by becoming wearied with details which were likely to exasperate him; also, he wanted the dramatic surprise of walking into a home that had been conjured into existence as with a word.

But I think he was more afraid of losing interest by getting tired of the details that were likely to annoy him; he also wanted the dramatic surprise of walking into a home that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

It was expected that the move would be made early in the month; but there were delays, and it was not until the 18th of June that he took possession.

It was expected that the move would happen early in the month, but there were delays, and he didn't take possession until June 18th.

The plan, at this time, was only to use the Redding place as a summer residence, and the Fifth Avenue house was not dismantled. A few days before the 18th the servants, with one exception, were taken up to the new house, Clemens and myself remaining in the loneliness of No. 21, attending to the letters in the morning and playing billiards the rest of the time, waiting for the appointed day and train. It was really a pleasant three days. He invented a new game, and we were riotous and laughed as loudly as we pleased. I think he talked very little of the new home which he was so soon to see. It was referred to no oftener than once or twice a day, and then I believe only in connection with certain of the billiard-room arrangements. I have wondered since what picture of it he could have had in his mind, for he had never seen a photograph. He had a general idea that it was built upon a hill, and that its architecture was of the Italian villa order. I confess I had moments of anxiety, for I had selected the land for him, and had been more or less accessory otherwise. I did not really worry, for I knew how beautiful and peaceful it all was; also something of his taste and needs.

The plan at this point was just to use the Redding place as a summer home, and the Fifth Avenue house wasn’t taken apart. A few days before the 18th, the servants—except for one—were moved to the new house, while Clemens and I stayed back in the solitude of No. 21, handling the letters in the morning and playing billiards for the rest of the time, waiting for the day and train to arrive. It was actually a nice three days. He came up with a new game, and we were loud and laughed as much as we wanted. I think he didn’t talk much about the new home he was about to see. It came up no more than once or twice a day, and even then, I think it was only in relation to some of the billiard-room arrangements. I’ve wondered since what kind of picture he could have had in his mind since he’d never seen a photograph. He had a general idea that it was built on a hill and that its style was like an Italian villa. I admit I had moments of worry, since I had chosen the land for him and had played a part in other ways. I didn’t really stress about it, though, because I knew how beautiful and peaceful it all was; plus, I understood something of his taste and needs.

It had been a dry spring, and country roads were dusty, so that those who were responsible had been praying for rain, to be followed by a pleasant day for his arrival. Both petitions were granted; June 18th would fall on Thursday, and Monday night there came a good, thorough, and refreshing shower that washed the vegetation clean and laid the dust. The morning of the 18th was bright and sunny and cool. Clemens was up and shaved by six o'clock in order to be in time, though the train did not leave until four in the afternoon—an express newly timed to stop at Redding—its first trip scheduled for the day of Mark Twain's arrival.

It had been a dry spring, and the country roads were dusty, so those in charge had been hoping for rain, followed by a nice day for his arrival. Both wishes were granted; June 18th fell on a Thursday, and on Monday night there was a good, thorough, refreshing rain that cleaned the plants and settled the dust. The morning of the 18th was bright, sunny, and cool. Clemens was up and shaved by six o'clock to make sure he was ready, even though the train didn't leave until four in the afternoon—an express train newly scheduled to stop in Redding—its first trip set for the day Mark Twain arrived.

We were still playing billiards when word was brought up that the cab was waiting. My daughter, Louise, whose school on Long Island had closed that day, was with us. Clemens wore his white flannels and a Panama hat, and at the station a group quickly collected, reporters and others, to interview him and speed him to his new home. He was cordial and talkative, and quite evidently full of pleasant anticipation. A reporter or two and a special photographer came along, to be present at his arrival.

We were still playing pool when someone informed us that the cab was waiting. My daughter, Louise, whose school on Long Island let out that day, was with us. Clemens was dressed in his white pants and a Panama hat, and at the station, a crowd quickly gathered—reporters and others—to interview him and send him off to his new home. He was friendly and chatty, clearly excited about what was to come. A reporter or two and a special photographer arrived to capture his arrival.

The new, quick train, the green, flying landscape, with glimpses of the Sound and white sails, the hillsides and clear streams becoming rapidly steeper and dearer as we turned northward: all seemed to gratify him, and when he spoke at all it was approvingly. The hour and a half required to cover the sixty miles of distance seemed very short. As the train slowed down for the Redding station, he said:

The new, fast train, the lush, vibrant landscape, with views of the Sound and white sails, the hillsides and clear streams quickly becoming steeper and more beautiful as we headed north: everything seemed to please him, and when he did speak, it was in approval. The hour and a half it took to travel the sixty miles felt very short. As the train slowed for the Redding station, he said:

“We'll leave this box of candy”—he had bought a large box on the way—“those colored porters sometimes like candy, and we can get some more.”

“We'll leave this box of candy”—he had picked up a big box on the way—“those colored porters sometimes enjoy candy, and we can grab some more.”

He drew out a great handful of silver.

He pulled out a big handful of silver.

“Give them something—give everybody liberally that does any service.”

“Give them something—give everyone generously for any service they provide.”

There was a sort of open-air reception in waiting. Redding had recognized the occasion as historic. A varied assemblage of vehicles festooned with flowers had gathered to offer a gallant country welcome.

There was an outdoor reception set up. Redding saw the occasion as historic. A mix of vehicles decorated with flowers had come together to give a warm country welcome.

It was now a little before six o'clock of that long June day, still and dreamlike; and to the people assembled there may have been something which was not quite reality in the scene. There was a tendency to be very still. They nodded, waved their hands to him, smiled, and looked their fill; but a spell lay upon them, and they did not cheer. It would have been a pity if they had done so. A noise, and the illusion would have been shattered.

It was now just before six o'clock on that long June day, calm and surreal; and for the people gathered there, there was something that felt slightly unreal about the scene. They seemed inclined to be very quiet. They nodded, waved to him, smiled, and took it all in; but there was a spell over them, and they didn’t cheer. It would have been a shame if they had. Any noise would have broken the illusion.

His carriage led away on the three-mile drive to the house on the hilltop, and the floral turnout fell in behind. No first impression of a fair land could have come at a sweeter time. Hillsides were green, fields were white with daisies, dog-wood and laurel shone among the trees. And over all was the blue sky, and everywhere the fragrance of June.

His carriage set off on the three-mile journey to the house on the hilltop, and the floral procession followed behind. No first impression of a beautiful place could have come at a better time. The hills were green, the fields were white with daisies, and dogwood and laurel stood out among the trees. Above it all was the blue sky, and everywhere was the scent of June.

He was very quiet as we drove along. Once with gentle humor, looking over a white daisy field, he said:

He was really quiet as we drove along. At one point, with a lighthearted tone, while looking over a white daisy field, he said:

“That is buckwheat. I always recognize buckwheat when I see it. I wish I knew as much about other things as I know about buckwheat. It seems to be very plentiful here; it even grows by the roadside.” And a little later: “This is the kind of a road I like; a good country road through the woods.”

"That’s buckwheat. I always recognize it when I see it. I wish I knew as much about other things as I do about buckwheat. It seems to grow a lot around here; it even comes up by the roadside.” And a little later: “This is the kind of road I like; a nice country road through the woods.”

The water was flowing over the mill-dam where the road crosses the Saugatuck, and he expressed approval of that clear, picturesque little river, one of those charming Connecticut streams. A little farther on a brook cascaded down the hillside, and he compared it with some of the tiny streams of Switzerland, I believe the Giessbach. The lane that led to the new home opened just above, and as he entered the leafy way he said, “This is just the kind of a lane I like,” thus completing his acceptance of everything but the house and the location.

The water was flowing over the mill dam where the road crosses the Saugatuck, and he praised that clear, picturesque little river, one of those charming Connecticut streams. A little further on, a brook tumbled down the hillside, and he compared it to some of the small streams in Switzerland, I think the Giessbach. The path that led to the new home opened just up ahead, and as he entered the leafy road, he said, “This is exactly the kind of lane I like,” thus finishing his approval of everything except the house and the location.

The last of the procession had dropped away at the entrance of the lane, and he was alone with those who had most anxiety for his verdict. They had not long to wait. As the carriage ascended higher to the open view he looked away, across the Saugatuck Valley to the nestling village and church-spire and farm-houses, and to the distant hills, and declared the land to be a good land and beautiful—a spot to satisfy one's soul. Then came the house—simple and severe in its architecture—an Italian villa, such as he had known in Florence, adapted now to American climate and needs. The scars of building had not all healed yet, but close to the house waved green grass and blooming flowers that might have been there always. Neither did the house itself look new. The soft, gray stucco had taken on a tone that melted into the sky and foliage of its background. At the entrance his domestic staff waited to greet him, and then he stepped across the threshold into the wide hall and stood in his own home for the first time in seventeen years. It was an anxious moment, and no one spoke immediately. But presently his eye had taken in the satisfying harmony of the place and followed on through the wide doors that led to the dining-room—on through the open French windows to an enchanting vista of tree-tops and distant farmside and blue hills. He said, very gently:

The last of the procession had faded away at the entrance of the lane, and he was left alone with those most anxious about his decision. They didn’t have to wait long. As the carriage climbed higher for a better view, he looked across the Saugatuck Valley at the cozy village, the church spire, and the farmhouses, extending his gaze to the distant hills, and declared the land to be beautiful—truly a place to nourish the soul. Then he saw the house—simple and striking in its design—an Italian villa, reminiscent of those he had known in Florence, but now adapted for American weather and needs. The signs of construction hadn’t completely faded yet, but nearby, green grass and blooming flowers flourished as if they had always belonged there. The house itself didn’t look new either. The soft, gray stucco had developed a hue that blended beautifully with the sky and the surrounding trees. At the entrance, his household staff stood ready to welcome him, and then he stepped across the threshold into the spacious hall, standing in his own home for the first time in seventeen years. It was a tense moment, and no one spoke right away. But soon, his gaze took in the pleasing harmony of the space and moved through the wide doors leading to the dining room—beyond the open French windows, an enchanting view of tree tops, distant farmland, and blue hills awaited. He said softly:

“How beautiful it all is? I did not think it could be as beautiful as this.”

“How beautiful is all of this? I didn’t think it could be this beautiful.”

He was taken through the rooms; the great living-room at one end of the hall—a room on the walls of which there was no picture, but only color-harmony—and at the other end of the hall, the splendid, glowing billiard-room, where hung all the pictures in which he took delight. Then to the floor above, with its spacious apartments and a continuation of color—welcome and concord, the windows open to the pleasant evening hills. When he had seen it all—the natural Italian garden below the terraces; the loggia, whose arches framed landscape vistas and formed a rare picture-gallery; when he had completed the round and stood in the billiard-room—his especial domain—once more he said, as a final verdict:

He was shown around the rooms; the large living room at one end of the hallway—where the walls had no pictures, just a pleasing blend of colors—and at the other end, the impressive, vibrant billiard room, filled with all the artwork he loved. Then they went upstairs, where there were spacious rooms and a continuation of the color theme—inviting and harmonious, with windows open to the lovely evening hills. After he had seen everything—the natural Italian garden below the terraces; the loggia, with its arches framing beautiful landscapes and creating a unique gallery; when he finished the tour and stood in the billiard room—his favorite space—once again he declared, as his final verdict:

“It is a perfect house—perfect, so far as I can see, in every detail. It might have been here always.”

“It’s a perfect house—perfect, as far as I can tell, in every detail. It could have always been here.”

He was at home there from that moment—absolutely, marvelously at home, for he fitted the setting perfectly, and there was not a hitch or flaw in his adaptation. To see him over the billiard-table, five minutes later, one could easily fancy that Mark Twain, as well as the house, had “been there always.” Only the presence of his daughters was needed now to complete his satisfaction in everything.

He felt completely at home there from that moment—totally, wonderfully at home, because he fit the environment perfectly, and there wasn’t a single issue with how he adapted. Seeing him at the billiard table just five minutes later, you could easily believe that Mark Twain, just like the house, had “always been there.” The only thing missing now was the presence of his daughters to make everything perfect for him.

There were guests that first evening—a small home dinner-party—and so perfect were the appointments and service, that one not knowing would scarcely have imagined it to be the first dinner served in that lovely room. A little later; at the foot of the garden of bay and cedar, neighbors, inspired by Dan Beard, who had recently located near by, set off some fireworks. Clemens stepped out on the terrace and saw rockets climbing through the summer sky to announce his arrival.

There were guests that first evening—a small home dinner party—and everything was so well arranged and served that anyone unaware would hardly have guessed it was the first dinner held in that beautiful room. A little later, at the end of the garden filled with bay and cedar, neighbors, inspired by Dan Beard, who had recently moved nearby, lit some fireworks. Clemens stepped out onto the terrace and saw rockets shooting up into the summer sky to celebrate his arrival.

“I wonder why they all go to so much trouble for me,” he said, softly. “I never go to any trouble for anybody”—a statement which all who heard it, and all his multitude of readers in every land, stood ready to deny.

“I wonder why they all go to so much trouble for me,” he said softly. “I never go to any trouble for anyone”—a statement that all who heard it, and all his countless readers around the world, were quick to deny.

That first evening closed with billiards—boisterous, triumphant billiards—and when with midnight the day ended and the cues were set in the rack, there was none to say that Mark Twain's first day in his new home had not been a happy one.

That first evening ended with lively, victorious billiards—and when midnight came and the day wrapped up and the cues were put away in the rack, no one could say that Mark Twain's first day in his new home hadn’t been a happy one.





CCLXIX. FIRST DAYS AT STORMFIELD

I went up next afternoon, for I knew how he dreaded loneliness. We played billiards for a time, then set out for a walk, following the long drive to the leafy lane that led to my own property. Presently he said:

I went up the next afternoon because I knew how much he hated being alone. We played billiards for a while, then decided to go for a walk, taking the long drive to the tree-lined path that led to my place. After a bit, he said:

“In one way I am sorry I did not see this place sooner. I never want to leave it again. If I had known it was so beautiful I should have vacated the house in town and moved up here permanently.”

“In a way, I wish I had seen this place sooner. I never want to leave again. If I had known it was this beautiful, I would have moved out of the house in town and settled here permanently.”

I suggested that he could still do so, if he chose, and he entered immediately into the idea. By and by we turned down a deserted road, grassy and beautiful, that ran along his land. At one side was a slope facing the west, and dotted with the slender, cypress-like cedars of New England. He had asked if that were part of his land, and on being told it was he said:

I suggested that he could still go for it if he wanted, and he quickly got on board with the idea. Eventually, we took a quiet, beautiful road lined with grass that ran along his property. On one side was a hillside facing west, dotted with the tall, cypress-like cedars typical of New England. He asked if that part was his land, and when he found out it was, he said:

“I would like Howells to have a house there. We must try to give that to Howells.”

“I want Howells to have a house there. We need to make that happen for Howells.”

At the foot of the hill we came to a brook and followed it into a meadow. I told him that I had often caught fine trout there, and that soon I would bring in some for breakfast. He answered:

At the bottom of the hill, we reached a stream and followed it into a meadow. I told him that I had often caught great trout there, and that I would soon bring some in for breakfast. He replied:

“Yes, I should like that. I don't care to catch them any more myself. I like them very hot.”

"Yeah, I'd like that. I’m not interested in catching them anymore myself. I prefer them really hot."

We passed through some woods and came out near my own ancient little house. He noticed it and said:

We walked through some woods and arrived near my old little house. He saw it and said:

“The man who built that had some memory of Greece in his mind when he put on that little porch with those columns.”

“The guy who built that must have had some memory of Greece in his mind when he added that little porch with those columns.”

My second daughter, Frances, was coming from a distant school on the evening train, and the carriage was starting just then to bring her. I suggested that perhaps he would find it pleasant to make the drive.

My second daughter, Frances, was arriving on the evening train from a faraway school, and the carriage was just about to bring her. I suggested that he might enjoy the drive.

“Yes,” he agreed, “I should enjoy that.”

“Yes,” he said, “I’d like that.”

So I took the reins, and he picked up little Joy, who came running out just then, and climbed into the back seat. It was another beautiful evening, and he was in a talkative humor. Joy pointed out a small turtle in the road, and he said:

So I took charge, and he picked up little Joy, who came running out just then, and climbed into the back seat. It was another beautiful evening, and he was feeling chatty. Joy pointed out a small turtle in the road, and he said:

“That is a wild turtle. Do you think you could teach it arithmetic?”

“That’s a wild turtle. Do you think you could teach it math?”

Joy was uncertain.

Joy felt unsure.

“Well,” he went on, “you ought to get an arithmetic—a little ten-cent arithmetic—and teach that turtle.”

“Well,” he continued, “you should pick up a basic arithmetic book—just a little ten-cent arithmetic—and teach that turtle.”

We passed some swampy woods, rather dim and junglelike.

We went through some muddy woods that were dark and overgrown, like a jungle.

“Those,” he said, “are elephant woods.”

“Those,” he said, “are elephant woods.”

But Joy answered:

But Joy replied:

“They are fairy woods. The fairies are there, but you can't see them because they wear magic cloaks.”

“They are enchanted woods. The fairies are there, but you can't see them because they wear magical cloaks.”

He said: “I wish I had one of those magic cloaks, sometimes. I had one once, but it is worn out now.”

He said, “I wish I had one of those magic cloaks sometimes. I had one once, but it’s worn out now.”

Joy looked at him reverently, as one who had once been the owner of a piece of fairyland.

Joy looked at him with admiration, like someone who had once owned a piece of fairyland.

It was a sweet drive to and from the village. There are none too many such evenings in a lifetime. Colonel Harvey's little daughter, Dorothy, came up a day or two later, and with my daughter Louise spent the first week with him in the new home. They were created “Angel-Fishes”—the first in the new aquarium; that is to say, the billiard-room, where he followed out the idea by hanging a row of colored prints of Bermuda fishes in a sort of frieze around the walls. Each visiting member was required to select one as her particular patron fish and he wrote her name upon it. It was his delight to gather his juvenile guests in this room and teach them the science of billiard angles; but it was so difficult to resist taking the cue and making plays himself that he was required to stand on a little platform and give instruction just out of reach. His snowy flannels and gleaming white hair, against those rich red walls, with those small, summer-clad players, made a pretty picture.

It was a lovely drive to and from the village. There aren't too many evenings like that in a lifetime. Colonel Harvey's little daughter, Dorothy, came up a day or two later and spent the first week with my daughter Louise at his new home. They were made “Angel-Fishes”—the first in the new aquarium; meaning the billiard room, where he carried out the idea by hanging a row of colorful prints of Bermuda fish in a sort of frieze around the walls. Each visiting guest had to choose one as her special patron fish, and he wrote her name on it. He loved gathering his young guests in this room and teaching them the science of billiard angles; however, it was so hard to resist picking up the cue and making shots himself that he had to stand on a little platform and give instructions just out of reach. His snowy white clothes and shining hair, against those rich red walls, with those small, summer-dressed players, created a beautiful scene.

The place did not retain its original name. He declared that it would always be “Innocence at Home” to the angel-fish visitors, but that the title didn't remain continuously appropriate. The money which he had derived from Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven had been used to build the loggia wing, and he considered the name of “Stormfield” as a substitute. When, presently, the summer storms gathered on that rock-bound, open hill, with its wide reaches of vine and shrub-wild, fierce storms that bent the birch and cedar, and strained at the bay and huckleberry, with lightning and turbulent wind and thunder, followed by the charging rain—the name seemed to become peculiarly appropriate. Standing with his head bared to the tumult, his white hair tossing in the blast, and looking out upon the wide splendor of the spectacle, he rechristened the place, and “Stormfield” it became and remained.

The place no longer kept its original name. He said it would always be “Innocence at Home” for the angel-fish visitors, but that title no longer fit all the time. The money he got from Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven had gone into building the loggia wing, and he thought the name “Stormfield” was a good alternative. When, soon enough, the summer storms rolled in on that rocky, exposed hill, with its vast stretches of vines and wild shrubs, fierce storms that bent the birch and cedar, and whipped at the bay and huckleberry, accompanied by lightning, strong winds, and thunder, followed by pouring rain—the name felt especially fitting. Standing with his head exposed to the storm, his white hair blowing in the wind, and gazing out at the breathtaking scene, he gave the place a new name, and it became and stayed “Stormfield.”

The last day of Mark Twain's first week in Redding, June 25th, was saddened by the news of the death of Grover Cleveland at his home in Princeton, New Jersey. Clemens had always been an ardent Cleveland admirer, and to Mrs. Cleveland now he sent this word of condolence—

The last day of Mark Twain's first week in Redding, June 25th, was marked by the sad news of Grover Cleveland’s death at his home in Princeton, New Jersey. Clemens had always been a big fan of Cleveland, and he sent this message of condolence to Mrs. Cleveland—

    Your husband was a man I knew and loved and honored for twenty-five
    years. I mourn with you.
    Your husband was a man I knew, loved, and respected for twenty-five years. I grieve with you.

And once during the evening he said:

One evening he said:

“He was one of our two or three real Presidents. There is none to take his place.”

“He was one of our few true Presidents. There’s no one to take his place.”





CCLXX. THE ALDRICH MEMORIAL.

At the end of June came the dedication at Portsmouth, New Hampshire, of the Thomas Bailey Aldrich Memorial Museum, which the poet's wife had established there in the old Aldrich homestead. It was hot weather. We were obliged to take a rather poor train from South Norwalk, and Clemens was silent and gloomy most of the way to Boston. Once there, however, lodged in a cool and comfortable hotel, matters improved. He had brought along for reading the old copy of Sir Thomas Malory's Arthur Tales, and after dinner he took off his clothes and climbed into bed and sat up and read aloud from those stately legends, with comments that I wish I could remember now, only stopping at last when overpowered with sleep.

At the end of June, the Thomas Bailey Aldrich Memorial Museum was dedicated in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. The poet's wife had set it up in the old Aldrich homestead. It was really hot. We had to take a rather uncomfortable train from South Norwalk, and Clemens was quiet and moody for most of the ride to Boston. Once we arrived, though, and settled into a cool, comfortable hotel, things got better. He had brought along an old copy of Sir Thomas Malory's Arthur Tales to read, and after dinner, he stripped down to his clothes and climbed into bed, sitting up to read those grand legends aloud, making comments that I wish I could remember now, only stopping at last when he was overcome with sleep.

We went on a special train to Portsmouth next morning through the summer heat, and assembled, with those who were to speak, in the back portion of the opera-house, behind the scenes: Clemens was genial and good-natured with all the discomfort of it; and he liked to fancy, with Howells, who had come over from Kittery Point, how Aldrich must be amused at the whole circumstance if he could see them punishing themselves to do honor to his memory. Richard Watson Gilder was there, and Hamilton Mabie; also Governor Floyd of New Hampshire; Colonel Higginson, Robert Bridges, and other distinguished men. We got to the more open atmosphere of the stage presently, and the exercises began. Clemens was last on the program.

We took a special train to Portsmouth the next morning through the summer heat and gathered with the speakers in the backstage area of the opera house. Clemens remained friendly and good-humored despite the discomfort; he and Howells, who had come over from Kittery Point, imagined how amused Aldrich would be seeing them go through this ordeal to honor his memory. Richard Watson Gilder and Hamilton Mabie were there, along with Governor Floyd of New Hampshire, Colonel Higginson, Robert Bridges, and other notable figures. Soon enough, we reached the more open setting of the stage, and the event kicked off. Clemens was the final speaker on the program.

The others had all said handsome, serious things, and Clemens himself had mentally prepared something of the sort; but when his turn came, and he rose to speak, a sudden reaction must have set in, for he delivered an address that certainly would have delighted Aldrich living, and must have delighted him dead, if he could hear it. It was full of the most charming humor, delicate, refreshing, and spontaneous. The audience, that had been maintaining a proper gravity throughout, showed its appreciation in ripples of merriment that grew presently into genuine waves of laughter. He spoke out his regret for having worn black clothes. It was a mistake, he said, to consider this a solemn time—Aldrich would not have wished it to be so considered. He had been a man who loved humor and brightness and wit, and had helped to make life merry and delightful. Certainly, if he could know, he would not wish this dedication of his own home to be a lugubrious, smileless occasion. Outside, when the services were ended, the venerable juvenile writer, J. T. Trowbridge, came up to Clemens with extended hand. Clemens said: “Trowbridge, are you still alive? You must be a thousand years old. Why, I listened to your stories while I was being rocked in the cradle.” Trowbridge said:

The others had all shared beautiful, serious words, and Clemens had mentally prepared something similar; but when it was his turn to speak, a sudden change must have taken over, because he gave a speech that would have thrilled Aldrich when he was alive, and surely would have pleased him in death, if he could hear it. It was filled with the most delightful humor—light, refreshing, and spontaneous. The audience, which had been maintaining a serious demeanor, began to laugh in waves of growing merriment. He expressed his regret for wearing black clothes, saying it was a mistake to treat this as a solemn occasion—Aldrich wouldn’t have wanted that. He was a man who appreciated humor and brightness, and who helped make life enjoyable. If he could know, he wouldn’t want this dedication of his own home to be a drab, joyless event. Outside, once the service was over, the respected young writer, J. T. Trowbridge, approached Clemens with his hand extended. Clemens said, “Trowbridge, are you still alive? You must be a thousand years old. I listened to your stories while I was in the cradle.” Trowbridge replied:

“Mark, there's some mistake. My earliest infant smile was wakened with one of your jokes.”

“Mark, there's been a mistake. My earliest baby smile was brought out by one of your jokes.”

They stood side by side against a fence in the blazing sun and were photographed—an interesting picture.

They stood next to each other by a fence in the scorching sun and got their picture taken—an intriguing shot.

We returned to Boston that evening. Clemens did not wish to hurry in the summer heat, and we remained another day quietly sight-seeing, and driving around and around Commonwealth Avenue in a victoria in the cool of the evening. Once, remembering Aldrich, he said:

We got back to Boston that evening. Clemens didn’t want to rush in the summer heat, so we stayed another day, casually exploring and driving repeatedly around Commonwealth Avenue in a carriage during the cool evening. At one point, thinking of Aldrich, he said:

“I was just planning Tom Sawyer when he was beginning the 'Story of a Bad Boy'. When I heard that he was writing that I thought of giving up mine, but Aldrich insisted that it would be a foolish thing to do. He thought my Missouri boy could not by any chance conflict with his boy of New England, and of course he was right.”

“I was just working on Tom Sawyer when he started writing the 'Story of a Bad Boy.' When I heard he was doing that, I thought about giving up my project, but Aldrich insisted that would be a silly thing to do. He believed my Missouri boy wouldn’t conflict with his New England boy, and of course, he was right.”

He spoke of how great literary minds usually came along in company. He said:

He talked about how great literary thinkers often come together. He said:

“Now and then, on the stream of time, small gobs of that thing which we call genius drift down, and a few of these lodge at some particular point, and others collect about them and make a sort of intellectual island—a towhead, as they say on the river—such an accumulation of intellect we call a group, or school, and name it.

“Occasionally, in the flow of time, small bits of what we call genius float by, and a few of these settle at a specific spot, while others gather around them to create an intellectual island—a sandbar, as they say on the river—this gathering of intellect is what we refer to as a group or school, and we give it a name.”

“Thirty years ago there was the Cambridge group. Now there's been still another, which included Aldrich and Howells and Stedman and Cable. It will soon be gone. I suppose they will have to name it by and by.”

"Thirty years ago, there was the Cambridge group. Now there's been another one, which included Aldrich, Howells, Stedman, and Cable. It will be gone soon. I guess they'll have to come up with a name for it eventually."

He pointed out houses here and there of people he had known and visited in other days. The driver was very anxious to go farther, to other and more distinguished sights. Clemens mildly but firmly refused any variation of the program, and so we kept on driving around and around the shaded loop of Beacon Street until dusk fell and the lights began to twinkle among the trees.

He pointed out houses here and there belonging to people he had known and visited in the past. The driver was eager to go further, to other more renowned sights. Clemens gently but firmly declined any changes to the plan, so we kept driving around and around the shaded loop of Beacon Street until dusk fell and the lights started to twinkle among the trees.





CCLXXI. DEATH OF “SAM” MOFFETT

Clemens' next absence from Redding came on August 1, 1908, when the sudden and shocking news was received of the drowning of his nephew, Samuel E. Moffett, in the surf of the Jersey shore. Moffett was his nearest male relative, and a man of fine intellect and talents. He was superior in those qualities which men love—he was large-minded and large-hearted, and of noble ideals. With much of the same sense of humor which had made his uncle's fame, he had what was really an abnormal faculty of acquiring and retaining encyclopedic data. Once as a child he had visited Hartford when Clemens was laboring over his history game. The boy was much interested, and asked permission to help. His uncle willingly consented, and referred him to the library for his facts. But he did not need to consult the books; he already had English history stored away, and knew where to find every detail of it. At the time of his death Moffett held an important editorial position on Collier's Weekly.

Clemens' next absence from Redding happened on August 1, 1908, when the unexpected and devastating news arrived about the drowning of his nephew, Samuel E. Moffett, in the waves of the Jersey shore. Moffett was his closest male relative, a man with exceptional intellect and talents. He excelled in the qualities that people admire—he was open-minded and kind-hearted, with noble ideals. Sharing much of the same sense of humor that contributed to his uncle's fame, he possessed an unusual ability to acquire and remember vast amounts of information. When he was a child, he visited Hartford while Clemens was working on his history game. The boy was very interested and asked if he could help. His uncle happily agreed and directed him to the library for his research. But he didn't need to look up anything; he already had a wealth of English history memorized and knew where to find every detail. At the time of his death, Moffett held a significant editorial role at Collier's Weekly.

Clemens was fond and proud of his nephew. Returning from the funeral, he was much depressed, and a day or two later became really ill. He was in bed for a few days, resting, he said, after the intense heat of the journey. Then he was about again and proposed billiards as a diversion. We were all alone one very still, warm August afternoon playing, when he suddenly said:

Clemens was fond of his nephew and felt proud of him. After returning from the funeral, he was really down, and a day or two later, he got genuinely sick. He stayed in bed for a few days, claiming he needed to rest after the heat of the trip. Then he was back on his feet and suggested we play billiards to pass the time. One quiet, warm August afternoon, just the two of us were playing when he suddenly said:

“I feel a little dizzy; I will sit down a moment.”

“I feel a bit dizzy; I'll sit down for a moment.”

I brought him a glass of water and he seemed to recover, but when he rose and started to play I thought he had a dazed look. He said:

I brought him a glass of water, and he seemed to feel better, but when he got up and started to play, I noticed he had a blank expression. He said:

“I have lost my memory. I don't know which is my ball. I don't know what game we are playing.”

“I've lost my memory. I don’t know which ball is mine. I don’t know what game we’re playing.”

But immediately this condition passed, and we thought little of it, considering it merely a phase of biliousness due to his recent journey. I have been told since, by eminent practitioners, that it was the first indication of a more serious malady.

But as soon as this condition went away, we didn’t think much of it, considering it just a phase of nausea from his recent trip. I’ve been told since then by respected doctors that it was the first sign of a more serious illness.

He became apparently quite himself again and showed his usual vigor-light of step and movement, able to skip up and down stairs as heretofore. In a letter to Mrs. Crane, August 12th, he spoke of recent happenings:

He seemed to be himself again and showed his usual energy—his light step and movement, able to skip up and down stairs just like before. In a letter to Mrs. Crane on August 12th, he mentioned recent events:

    DEAR AUNT SUE,—It was a most moving, a most heartbreaking sight,
    the spectacle of that stunned & crushed & inconsolable family. I
    came back here in bad shape, & had a bilious collapse, but I am all
    right again, though the doctor from New York has given peremptory
    orders that I am not to stir from here before frost. O fortunate
    Sam Moffett! fortunate Livy Clemens! doubly fortunate Susy! Those
    swords go through & through my heart, but there is never a moment
    that I am not glad, for the sake of the dead, that they have
    escaped.

    How Livy would love this place! How her very soul would steep
    itself thankfully in this peace, this tranquillity, this deep
    stillness, this dreamy expanse of woodsy hill & valley! You must
    come, Aunt Sue, & stay with us a real good visit. Since June 26 we
    have had 21 guests, & they have all liked it and said they would
    come again.
DEAR AUNT SUE,—It was a deeply moving, heartbreaking sight, the scene of that shocked, crushed, and inconsolable family. I returned home in rough shape and had a serious health scare, but I'm okay now, although the doctor from New York has strictly ordered that I not leave before frost. Oh, how lucky Sam Moffett is! Lucky Livy Clemens! Doubly lucky Susy! Those thoughts pierce my heart, but there’s never a moment I’m not grateful, for the sake of those who have passed, that they have found peace.

How Livy would love this place! How her soul would soak in this peace, this tranquility, this profound stillness, this dreamy stretch of wooded hills and valleys! You really should come, Aunt Sue, and stay with us for a proper visit. Since June 26, we’ve had 21 guests, and they’ve all enjoyed it and said they would return.

To Howells, on the same day, he wrote:

To Howells, on the same day, he wrote:

    Won't you & Mrs. Howells & Mildred come & give us as many days as
    you can spare & examine John's triumph? It is the most satisfactory
    house I am acquainted with, & the most satisfactorily situated..
   .. I have dismissed my stenographer, & have entered upon a
    holiday whose other end is the cemetery.
    Won't you, Mrs. Howells, and Mildred come and spend as many days as you can with us to check out John's success? It's the most impressive house I know of, and it's perfectly located. I’ve let go of my stenographer and have started a vacation that leads straight to the cemetery.




CCLXXII. STORMFIELD ADVENTURES

Clemens had fully decided, by this time, to live the year round in the retirement at Stormfield, and the house at 21 Fifth Avenue was being dismantled. He had also, as he said, given up his dictations for the time, at least, after continuing them, with more or less regularity, for a period of two and a half years, during which he had piled up about half a million words of comment and reminiscence. His general idea had been to add portions of this matter to his earlier books as the copyrights expired, to give them new life and interest, and he felt that he had plenty now for any such purpose.

Clemens had completely decided by this time to spend the entire year in his retirement at Stormfield, and the house at 21 Fifth Avenue was being taken down. He had also mentioned that he had stopped his dictations for the time being, after keeping them up with varying consistency for about two and a half years, during which he had accumulated around half a million words of commentary and memories. His main idea was to add sections of this material to his earlier books as the copyrights expired, to give them new life and interest, and he felt he had more than enough for that purpose now.

He gave his time mainly to his guests, his billiards, and his reading, though of course he could not keep from writing on this subject and that as the fancy moved him, and a drawer in one of his dressers began to accumulate fresh though usually fragmentary manuscripts... He read the daily paper, but he no longer took the keen, restless interest in public affairs. New York politics did not concern him any more, and national politics not much. When the Evening Post wrote him concerning the advisability of renominating Governor Hughes he replied:

He mostly spent his time with his guests, playing billiards, and reading, though he occasionally found himself writing about various topics whenever he felt inspired. A drawer in one of his dressers started to fill up with new, often incomplete manuscripts. He read the daily newspaper, but he wasn't as engaged in public affairs as he used to be. New York politics didn't interest him anymore, and he wasn't very invested in national politics either. When the Evening Post asked him about the idea of renominating Governor Hughes, he replied:

    If you had asked me two months ago my answer would have been prompt
    & loud & strong: yes, I want Governor Hughes renominated. But it is
    too late, & my mouth is closed. I have become a citizen & taxpayer
    of Connecticut, & could not now, without impertinence, meddle in
    matters which are none of my business. I could not do it with
    impertinence without trespassing on the monopoly of another.
    If you had asked me two months ago, my answer would have been quick, loud, and firm: yes, I want Governor Hughes to be renominated. But it's too late, and I've kept quiet. I’ve become a citizen and taxpayer of Connecticut, and I couldn’t now, without being rude, interfere in things that are none of my concern. I couldn't do it rudely without encroaching on someone else's territory.

Howells speaks of Mark Twain's “absolute content” with his new home, and these are the proper words' to express it. He was like a storm-beaten ship that had drifted at last into a serene South Sea haven.

Howells talks about Mark Twain's “absolute content” with his new home, and those are the right words to describe it. He was like a battered ship that had finally found its way into a calm South Sea harbor.

The days began and ended in tranquillity. There were no special morning regulations: One could have his breakfast at any time and at almost any place. He could have it in bed if he liked, or in the loggia or livingroom, or billiard-room. He might even have it in the diningroom, or on the terrace, just outside. Guests—there were usually guests—might suit their convenience in this matter—also as to the forenoons. The afternoon brought games—that is, billiards, provided the guest knew billiards, otherwise hearts. Those two games were his safety-valves, and while there were no printed requirements relating to them the unwritten code of Stormfield provided that guests, of whatever age or previous faith, should engage in one or both of these diversions.

The days started and ended peacefully. There were no strict morning rules: You could have breakfast at any time and almost anywhere. You could eat it in bed if you wanted, or in the loggia, living room, or billiard room. You might even have it in the dining room or on the terrace just outside. Guests—who were usually around—could choose what worked best for them in this regard, including during the mornings. The afternoon brought games—either billiards, if the guest knew how to play, or hearts. These two games were his outlets, and while there were no formal rules about them, the unspoken code of Stormfield stated that guests, regardless of age or background, should participate in one or both of these activities.

Clemens, who usually spent his forenoon in bed with his reading and his letters, came to the green table of skill and chance eager for the onset; if the fates were kindly, he approved of them openly. If not—well, the fates were old enough to know better, and, as heretofore, had to take the consequences. Sometimes, when the weather was fine and there were no games (this was likely to be on Sunday afternoons), there were drives among the hills and along the Saugatuck through the Bedding Glen.

Clemens, who usually spent his mornings lounging in bed with his books and letters, arrived at the green table of chance and skill ready for action; if luck was on his side, he openly approved of it. If not—well, fate should know better by now, and like always, they had to deal with the fallout. Sometimes, when the weather was nice and there were no games (which was likely to happen on Sunday afternoons), there were drives through the hills and along the Saugatuck through Bedding Glen.

The cat was always “purring on the hearth” at Stormfield—several cats—for Mark Twain's fondness for this clean, intelligent domestic animal remained, to the end, one of his happiest characteristics. There were never too many cats at Stormfield, and the “hearth” included the entire house, even the billiard-table. When, as was likely to happen at any time during the game, the kittens Sinbad, or Danbury, or Billiards would decide to hop up and play with the balls, or sit in the pockets and grab at them as they went by, the game simply added this element of chance, and the uninvited player was not disturbed. The cats really owned Stormfield; any one could tell that from their deportment. Mark Twain held the title deeds; but it was Danbury and Sinbad and the others that possessed the premises. They occupied any portion of the house or its furnishings at will, and they never failed to attract attention. Mark Twain might be preoccupied and indifferent to the comings and goings of other members of the household; but no matter what he was doing, let Danbury appear in the offing and he was observed and greeted with due deference, and complimented and made comfortable. Clemens would arise from the table and carry certain choice food out on the terrace to Tammany, and be satisfied with almost no acknowledgment by way of appreciation. One could not imagine any home of Mark Twain where the cats were not supreme. In the evening, as at 21 Fifth Avenue, there was music—the stately measures of the orchestrelle—while Mark Twain smoked and mingled unusual speculation with long, long backward dreams.

The cat was always “purring on the hearth” at Stormfield—actually, several cats—because Mark Twain's love for this clean, smart pet remained one of his happiest traits until the end. There were never too many cats at Stormfield, and the “hearth” covered the entire house, even the billiard table. Whenever the kittens Sinbad, Danbury, or Billiards decided to jump up and play with the balls, or sit in the pockets and swipe at them as they rolled by, it just added a fun element to the game, and no one bothered the uninvited players. The cats really ruled Stormfield; you could tell by how they acted. Mark Twain owned the property, but it was Danbury, Sinbad, and the others who truly lived there. They claimed any part of the house or its furnishings whenever they wanted, and they always attracted attention. Mark Twain might be distracted and indifferent to the comings and goings of other household members, but no matter what he was doing, if Danbury showed up, he was noticed and greeted with respect, compliments, and made comfy. Clemens would get up from the table and take some special food out to Tammany, and he was satisfied with almost no acknowledgment of his generosity. You couldn't imagine a home belonging to Mark Twain where the cats weren't in charge. In the evenings, like at 21 Fifth Avenue, there was music—the graceful tunes of the orchestrelle—while Mark Twain smoked and mixed unusual thoughts with long, distant memories.

It was three months from the day of arrival in Redding that some guests came to Stormfield without invitation—two burglars, who were carrying off some bundles of silver when they were discovered. Claude, the butler, fired a pistol after them to hasten their departure, and Clemens, wakened by the shots, thought the family was opening champagne and went to sleep again.

It was three months after arriving in Redding when some uninvited guests showed up at Stormfield—two burglars who were trying to steal some bundles of silver when they were caught. Claude, the butler, fired a pistol at them to speed them on their way, and Clemens, awakened by the gunshots, thought the family was popping open champagne and went back to sleep.

It was far in the night; but neighbor H. A. Lounsbury and Deputy-Sheriff Banks were notified, and by morning the thieves were captured, though only after a pretty desperate encounter, during which the officer received a bullet-wound. Lounsbury and a Stormfield guest had tracked them in the dark with a lantern to Bethel, a distance of some seven miles. The thieves, also their pursuers, had boarded the train there. Sheriff Banks was waiting at the West Redding station when the train came down, and there the capture was made. It was a remarkably prompt and shrewd piece of work. Clemens gave credit for its success chiefly to Lounsbury, whose talents in many fields always impressed him. The thieves were taken to the Redding Town Hall for a preliminary healing. Subsequently they received severe sentences.

It was late at night, but neighbor H. A. Lounsbury and Deputy Sheriff Banks were alerted, and by morning the thieves were caught, although only after a pretty intense struggle, during which the officer was shot. Lounsbury and a guest from Stormfield tracked them in the dark using a lantern to Bethel, about seven miles away. The thieves had also boarded the train there. Sheriff Banks was waiting at the West Redding station when the train arrived, and that’s where they made the arrest. It was a remarkably quick and clever operation. Clemens credited its success mainly to Lounsbury, whose skills in many areas always impressed him. The thieves were taken to the Redding Town Hall for a preliminary hearing. They later received harsh sentences.

Clemens tacked this notice on his front door:

Clemens posted this notice on his front door:

                       NOTICE

                   TO THE NEXT BURGLAR

    There is nothing but plated ware in this house now and henceforth.

    You will find it in that brass thing in the dining-room over in the
    corner by the basket of kittens.

    If you want the basket put the kittens in the brass thing. Do not
    make a noise—it disturbs the family.

    You will find rubbers in the front hall by that thing which has the
    umbrellas in it, chiffonnier, I think they call it, or pergola, or
    something like that.

    Please close the door when you go away!

                  Very truly yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.
                       NOTICE

                   TO THE NEXT BURGLAR

    There’s nothing but cheap stuff in this house now and from now on.

    You’ll find it in that brass thing in the dining room over in the corner by the basket of kittens.

    If you want the basket, put the kittens in the brass thing. Don’t make any noise—it disturbs the family.

    You’ll find some rubber boots in the front hall by that thing that holds the umbrellas, I think they call it a chiffonnier, or pergola, or something like that.

    Please close the door when you leave!

                  Very truly yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.




CCLXXIII. STORMFIELD PHILOSOPHIES

Now came the tranquil days of the Connecticut autumn. The change of the landscape colors was a constant delight to Mark Twain. There were several large windows in his room, and he called them his picture-gallery. The window-panes were small, and each formed a separate picture of its own that was changing almost hourly. The red tones that began to run through the foliage; the red berry bushes; the fading grass, and the little touches of sparkling frost that came every now and then at early morning; the background of distant blue hills and changing skies-these things gave his gallery a multitude of variation that no art-museums could furnish. He loved it all, and he loved to walk out in it, pacing up and down the terrace, or the long path that led to the pergola at the foot of a natural garden. If a friend came, he was willing to walk much farther; and we often descended the hill in one direction or another, though usually going toward the “gorge,” a romantic spot where a clear brook found its way through a deep and rather dangerous-looking chasm. Once he was persuaded to descend into this fairy-like place, for it was well worth exploring; but his footing was no longer sure and he did not go far.

Now came the peaceful days of autumn in Connecticut. The changing colors of the landscape brought constant joy to Mark Twain. His room had several large windows, which he referred to as his picture gallery. The window panes were small, each creating its own individual picture that changed almost every hour. The red hues that started to appear in the leaves, the red berry bushes, the fading grass, and the little glimmers of frost that occasionally showed up in the early morning; the backdrop of distant blue hills and shifting skies—all these elements provided his gallery with a variety that no art museum could match. He loved it all and enjoyed walking in it, pacing back and forth on the terrace or along the long path leading to the pergola at the edge of a natural garden. If a friend came by, he was willing to walk much farther; we often headed down the hill in one direction or another, usually toward the "gorge," a picturesque spot where a clear stream flowed through a deep and somewhat treacherous-looking ravine. Once, he was convinced to venture into this enchanting place, as it was definitely worth exploring; however, his footing wasn’t as steady anymore, so he didn’t go far.

He liked better to sit on the grass-grown, rocky arch above and look down into it, and let his talk follow his mood. He liked to contemplate the geology of his surroundings, the record of the ageless periods of construction required to build the world. The marvels of science always appealed to him. He reveled in the thought of the almost limitless stretches of time, the millions upon millions of years that had been required for this stratum and that—he liked to amaze himself with the sounding figures. I remember him expressing a wish to see the Grand Canon of Arizona, where, on perpendicular walls six thousand feet high, the long story of geological creation is written. I had stopped there during my Western trip of the previous year, and I told him something of its wonders. I urged him to see them for himself, offering to go with him. He said:

He preferred to sit on the grassy, rocky arch above and look down into it, letting his conversation follow his mood. He enjoyed thinking about the geology around him, the record of the countless ages needed to create the world. The wonders of science always fascinated him. He delighted in the idea of the almost limitless expanses of time, the millions upon millions of years it took for this layer or that one—he liked to impress himself with the staggering numbers. I remember him saying he wanted to see the Grand Canyon in Arizona, where the long history of geological creation is etched into the nearly vertical walls that rise six thousand feet high. I had visited there during my Western trip the year before, and I shared some of its wonders with him. I encouraged him to see them for himself, offering to go with him. He said:

“I should enjoy that; but the railroad journey is so far and I should have no peace. The papers would get hold of it, and I would have to make speeches and be interviewed, and I never want to do any of those things again.”

“I would really like that; but the train ride is so long, and I wouldn't get any peace. The press would catch wind of it, and I'd have to give speeches and do interviews, and I never want to do any of that again.”

I suggested that the railroads would probably be glad to place a private car at his service, so that he might travel in comfort; but he shook his head.

I suggested that the railroads would likely be happy to provide a private car for him, so he could travel comfortably; but he shook his head.

“That would only make me more conspicuous.”

“That would just make me stand out more.”

“How about a disguise?”

"How about a disguise?"

“Yes,” he said, “I might put on a red wig and false whiskers and change my name, but I couldn't disguise my drawling speech and they'd find me out.”

“Yes,” he said, “I could put on a red wig and fake mustache and change my name, but I couldn't hide my drawling speech and they’d figure out who I am.”

It was amusing, but it was rather sad, too. His fame had deprived him of valued privileges.

It was funny, but it was also kind of sad. His fame had taken away important privileges.

He talked of many things during these little excursions. Once he told how he had successively advised his nephew, Moffett, in the matter of obtaining a desirable position. Moffett had wanted to become a reporter. Clemens devised a characteristic scheme. He said:

He talked about a lot of things during these little trips. Once he shared how he had helped his nephew, Moffett, when it came to landing a good job. Moffett wanted to be a reporter. Clemens came up with a classic plan. He said:

“I will get you a place on any newspaper you may select if you promise faithfully to follow out my instructions.”

"I'll get you a spot in any newspaper you choose if you promise to follow my instructions."

The applicant agreed, eagerly enough. Clemens said:

The applicant readily agreed. Clemens said:

“Go to the newspaper of your choice. Say that you are idle and want work, that you are pining for work—longing for it, and that you ask no wages, and will support yourself. All that you ask is work. That you will do anything, sweep, fill the inkstands, mucilage-bottles, run errands, and be generally useful. You must never ask for wages. You must wait until the offer of wages comes to you. You must work just as faithfully and just as eagerly as if you were being paid for it. Then see what happens.”

“Go to the newspaper you prefer. Let them know you’re looking for work and really eager to find it—mention that you’re willing to support yourself without expecting pay. All you want is a job. You’ll do anything: clean, refill inkpots, run errands, and be helpful in any way. Never ask for pay. Wait for them to offer you wages. Work as hard and as eagerly as if you were getting paid. Then see what happens.”

The scheme had worked perfectly. Young Moffett had followed his instructions to the letter. By and by he attracted attention. He was employed in a variety of ways that earned him the gratitude and the confidence of the office. In obedience to further instructions, he began to make short, brief, unadorned notices of small news matters that came under his eye and laid them on the city editor's desk. No pay was asked; none was expected. Occasionally one of the items was used. Then, of course, it happened, as it must sooner or later at a busy time, that he was given a small news assignment. There was no trouble about his progress after that. He had won the confidence of the management and shown that he was not afraid to work.

The plan had gone off without a hitch. Young Moffett had followed his instructions exactly. Eventually, he caught people’s attention. He was used in various ways that earned him the appreciation and trust of the office. Following further directions, he started to write brief, straightforward notices about minor news items that he came across and left them on the city editor's desk. He didn't ask for payment; he didn't expect any. Occasionally, one of the items was published. Then, as is often the case during busy times, he was given a small news assignment. After that, there was no stopping his progress. He had gained the trust of the management and proved that he was willing to work hard.

The plan had been variously tried since, Clemens said, and he could not remember any case in which it had failed. The idea may have grown out of his own pilot apprenticeship on the river, when cub pilots not only received no salary, but paid for the privilege of learning.

The plan had been tried in various ways since then, Clemens said, and he couldn't recall a single case where it had failed. The idea might have originated from his own apprenticeship as a pilot on the river, when trainee pilots not only earned no salary but also paid for the chance to learn.

Clemens discussed public matters less often than formerly, but they were not altogether out of his mind. He thought our republic was in a fair way to become a monarchy—that the signs were already evident. He referred to the letter which he had written so long ago in Boston, with its amusing fancy of the Archbishop of Dublin and his Grace of Ponkapog, and declared that, after all, it contained something of prophecy.—[See chap. xcvii; also Appendix M.]—He would not live to see the actual monarchy, he said, but it was coming.

Clemens talked about public issues less often than he used to, but they were still on his mind. He believed our republic was likely to turn into a monarchy—that the signs were already clear. He mentioned the letter he had written long ago in Boston, with its amusing idea of the Archbishop of Dublin and his Grace of Ponkapog, and claimed that, in a way, it contained a kind of prophecy.—[See chap. xcvii; also Appendix M.]—He said he wouldn't live to witness the actual monarchy, but that it was on its way.

“I'm not expecting it in my time nor in my children's time, though it may be sooner than we think. There are two special reasons for it and one condition. The first reason is, that it is in the nature of man to want a definite something to love, honor, reverently look up to and obey; a God and King, for example. The second reason is, that while little republics have lasted long, protected by their poverty and insignificance, great ones have not. And the condition is, vast power and wealth, which breed commercial and political corruptions, and incite public favorites to dangerous ambitions.”

“I don’t expect it to happen in my lifetime or my children’s, but it might come sooner than we think. There are two main reasons for this and one condition. The first reason is that it’s human nature to seek something definite to love, respect, admire, and obey; like a God or a leader. The second reason is that while small republics can survive for long periods due to their poverty and insignificance, larger ones do not. The condition is vast power and wealth, which lead to corruption in business and politics, and encourage public figures to pursue dangerous ambitions.”

He repeated what I had heard him say before, that in one sense we already had a monarchy; that is to say, a ruling public and political aristocracy which could create a Presidential succession. He did not say these things bitterly now, but reflectively and rather indifferently.

He repeated what I had heard him say before, that in one sense we already had a monarchy; that is to say, a ruling public and political elite that could establish a Presidential succession. He didn’t say these things bitterly now, but more thoughtfully and somewhat indifferently.

He was inclined to speak unhopefully of the international plans for universal peace, which were being agitated rather persistently.

He tended to speak pessimistically about the ongoing discussions regarding international plans for world peace, which were being pushed quite consistently.

“The gospel of peace,” he said, “is always making a deal of noise, always rejoicing in its progress but always neglecting to furnish statistics. There are no peaceful nations now. All Christendom is a soldier-camp. The poor have been taxed in some nations to the starvation point to support the giant armaments which Christian governments have built up, each to protect itself from the rest of the Christian brotherhood, and incidentally to snatch any scrap of real estate left exposed by a weaker owner. King Leopold II. of Belgium, the most intensely Christian monarch, except Alexander VI., that has escaped hell thus far, has stolen an entire kingdom in Africa, and in fourteen years of Christian endeavor there has reduced the population from thirty millions to fifteen by murder and mutilation and overwork, confiscating the labor of the helpless natives, and giving them nothing in return but salvation and a home in heaven, furnished at the last moment by the Christian priest.

“The gospel of peace,” he said, “is always making a lot of noise, always celebrating its progress but never bothering to provide statistics. There are no peaceful nations today. All of Christendom is like a military camp. In some countries, the poor have been taxed to the brink of starvation to support the massive weapons built up by Christian governments, each trying to protect itself from the rest of the Christian community, and also to grab any piece of land left vulnerable by weaker owners. King Leopold II of Belgium, the most fervently Christian monarch, aside from Alexander VI, who has managed to avoid hell so far, has taken an entire kingdom in Africa, and in fourteen years of Christian efforts, he has cut the population down from thirty million to fifteen million through murder, mutilation, and overwork, exploiting the labor of the helpless locals and giving them nothing in return but salvation and a home in heaven, provided at the last minute by the Christian priest.

“Within the last generation each Christian power has turned the bulk of its attention to finding out newer and still newer and more and more effective ways of killing Christians, and, incidentally, a pagan now and then; and the surest way to get rich quickly in Christ's earthly kingdom is to invent a kind of gun that can kill more Christians at one shot than any other existing kind. All the Christian nations are at it. The more advanced they are, the bigger and more destructive engines of war they create.”

“Over the last generation, every Christian nation has focused most of its efforts on discovering newer and more effective ways to kill Christians, and occasionally a pagan here and there; and the easiest way to get rich quickly in Christ's worldly kingdom is to come up with a type of gun that can take out more Christians in one shot than any existing model. All the Christian countries are doing this. The more advanced they are, the larger and more destructive weapons of war they develop.”

Once, speaking of battles great and small, and how important even a small battle must seem to a soldier who had fought in no other, he said:

Once, talking about battles big and small, and how significant even a small battle must feel to a soldier who has fought in no others, he said:

“To him it is a mighty achievement, an achievement with a big A, when to a wax-worn veteran it would be a mere incident. For instance, to the soldier of one battle, San Juan Hill was an Achievement with an A as big as the Pyramids of Cheops; whereas, if Napoleon had fought it, he would have set it down on his cuff at the time to keep from forgetting it had happened. But that is all natural and human enough. We are all like that.”

“To him, it’s a major accomplishment, an achievement with a capital A, while to a seasoned veteran, it would just be an incident. For example, for the soldier of one battle, San Juan Hill was an Achievement with an A as large as the Pyramids of Cheops; however, if Napoleon had fought it, he would have noted it on his cuff at the time to remember it happened. But that’s perfectly natural and human. We’re all like that.”

The curiosities and absurdities of religious superstitions never failed to furnish him with themes more or less amusing. I remember one Sunday, when he walked down to have luncheon at my house, he sat under the shade and fell to talking of Herod's slaughter of the innocents, which he said could not have happened.

The curiosities and absurdities of religious superstitions always gave him interesting themes to discuss. I remember one Sunday, when he walked over for lunch at my place, he sat in the shade and started talking about Herod’s slaughter of the innocents, which he claimed couldn’t have happened.

“Tacitus makes no mention of it,” he said, “and he would hardly have overlooked a sweeping order like that, issued by a petty ruler like Herod. Just consider a little king of a corner of the Roman Empire ordering the slaughter of the first-born of a lot of Roman subjects. Why, the Emperor would have reached out that long arm of his and dismissed Herod. That tradition is probably about as authentic as those connected with a number of old bridges in Europe which are said to have been built by Satan. The inhabitants used to go to Satan to build bridges for them, promising him the soul of the first one that crossed the bridge; then, when Satan had the bridge done, they would send over a rooster or a jackass—a cheap jackass; that was for Satan, and of course they could fool him that way every time. Satan must have been pretty simple, even according to the New Testament, or he wouldn't have led Christ up on a high mountain and offered him the world if he would fall down and worship him. That was a manifestly absurd proposition, because Christ, as the Son of God, already owned the world; and, besides, what Satan showed him was only a few rocky acres of Palestine. It is just as if some one should try to buy Rockefeller, the owner of all the Standard Oil Company, with a gallon of kerosene.”

“Tacitus doesn't mention it,” he said, “and he wouldn't have missed a major order like that from a minor ruler like Herod. Just think about a little king in a small part of the Roman Empire ordering the killing of the first-born among Roman citizens. The Emperor would have reached out and dismissed Herod immediately. That story is probably as believable as those about old bridges in Europe that are said to have been built by Satan. People used to ask Satan to build bridges for them, promising to give him the soul of the first person who crossed it; then, when the bridge was finished, they'd send a rooster or a cheap donkey over instead—just to fool Satan. He must have been pretty gullible, even according to the New Testament, or he wouldn't have taken Christ up to a high mountain and offered him the world if he would bow down and worship him. That was clearly ridiculous since Christ, being the Son of God, already owned the world; and besides, what Satan showed him was just a few rocky acres of Palestine. It’s like someone trying to buy Rockefeller, the owner of Standard Oil, with a gallon of kerosene.”

He often spoke of the unseen forces of creation, the immutable laws that hold the planet in exact course and bring the years and the seasons always exactly on schedule time. “The Great Law” was a phrase often on his lips. The exquisite foliage, the cloud shapes, the varieties of color everywhere: these were for him outward manifestations of the Great Law, whose principle I understood to be unity—exact relations throughout all nature; and in this I failed to find any suggestion of pessimism, but only of justice. Once he wrote on a card for preservation:

He often talked about the invisible forces of creation, the unchanging laws that keep the planet on its exact path and bring years and seasons right on time. "The Great Law" was a phrase he frequently used. The beautiful leaves, the shapes of the clouds, the endless colors around him: these were for him visible signs of the Great Law, which I understood to be unity—exact relationships throughout all of nature; and in this, I found no hint of pessimism, only a sense of justice. Once he wrote on a card to keep it:

    From everlasting to everlasting, this is the law: the sum of wrong &
    misery shall always keep exact step with the sum of human
    blessedness.

    No “civilization,” no “advance,” has ever modified these proportions
    by even the shadow of a shade, nor ever can, while our race endures.
    From eternity to eternity, this is the law: the total of wrong and misery will always match the total of human happiness.

    No "civilization," no "progress," has ever changed these ratios by even the slightest amount, nor will it ever, as long as our species exists.




CCLXIV. CITIZEN AND FARMER

The procession of guests at Stormfield continued pretty steadily. Clemens kept a book in which visitors set down their names and the dates of arrival and departure, and when they failed to attend to these matters he diligently did it himself after they were gone.

The flow of guests at Stormfield kept going at a steady pace. Clemens had a book where visitors wrote their names along with the dates they arrived and left. When they didn’t take care of this, he made sure to do it himself after they left.

Members of the Harper Company came up with their wives; “angel-fish” swam in and out of the aquarium; Bermuda friends came to see the new home; Robert Collier, the publisher, and his wife—“Mrs. Sally,” as Clemens liked to call her—paid their visits; Lord Northcliffe, who was visiting America, came with Colonel Harvey, and was so impressed with the architecture of Stormfield that he adopted its plans for a country-place he was about to build in Newfoundland. Helen Keller, with Mr. and Mrs. Macy, came up for a week-end visit. Mrs. Crane came over from Elmira; and, behold! one day came the long-ago sweetheart of his childhood, little Laura Hawkins—Laura Frazer now, widowed and in the seventies, with a granddaughter already a young lady quite grown up.

Members of the Harper Company brought their wives; “angel-fish” swam in and out of the aquarium; friends from Bermuda came to check out the new home; Robert Collier, the publisher, and his wife—“Mrs. Sally,” as Clemens liked to call her—paid their visits; Lord Northcliffe, who was visiting America, came with Colonel Harvey and was so impressed with the architecture of Stormfield that he decided to use its plans for a country house he was about to build in Newfoundland. Helen Keller, along with Mr. and Mrs. Macy, came up for a weekend visit. Mrs. Crane came over from Elmira; and, lo and behold! one day, the sweetheart of his childhood, little Laura Hawkins—now Laura Frazer, widowed and in her seventies, with a granddaughter already a young lady—arrived.

That Mark Twain was not wearying of the new conditions we may gather from a letter written to Mrs. Rogers in October:

That Mark Twain was not tired of the new conditions can be seen from a letter he wrote to Mrs. Rogers in October:

    I've grown young in these months of dissipation here. And I have
    left off drinking—it isn't necessary now. Society & theology are
    sufficient for me.
    I've felt rejuvenated in these months of indulgence here. And I've stopped drinking—it isn't needed anymore. Socializing and spirituality are enough for me.

To Helen Allen, a Bermuda “Angel-Fish,” he wrote:

To Helen Allen, a Bermuda “Angel-Fish,” he wrote:

    We have good times here in this soundless solitude on the hilltop.
    The moment I saw the house I was glad I built it, & now I am gladder
    & gladder all the time. I was not dreaming of living here except in
    the summer-time—that was before I saw this region & the house, you
    see—but that is all changed now; I shall stay here winter & summer
    both & not go back to New York at all. My child, it's as tranquil &
    contenting as Bermuda. You will be very welcome here, dear.
    We have wonderful times here in this peaceful solitude on the hilltop. The moment I saw the house, I was happy I built it, and now I feel even happier all the time. I didn't imagine living here except in the summer—that was before I saw this area and the house, you know—but that’s all changed now; I’m going to stay here in both winter and summer and not return to New York at all. My dear, it's as calm and fulfilling as Bermuda. You will be very welcome here, love.

He interested himself in the affairs and in the people of Redding. Not long after his arrival he had gathered in all the inhabitants of the country-side, neighbors of every quality, for closer acquaintance, and threw open to them for inspection every part of the new house. He appointed Mrs. Lounsbury, whose acquaintance was very wide; a sort of committee on reception, and stood at the entrance with her to welcome each visitor in person.

He took an interest in the events and people of Redding. Soon after he arrived, he gathered all the locals, neighbors of all kinds, to get to know them better and opened up every part of the new house for them to explore. He appointed Mrs. Lounsbury, who knew a lot of people, as a sort of welcoming committee and stood at the entrance with her to greet each visitor personally.

It was a sort of gala day, and the rooms and the grounds were filled with the visitors. In the dining-room there were generous refreshments. Again, not long afterward, he issued a special invitation to all of those-architects, builders, and workmen who had taken any part, however great or small, in the building of his home. Mr. and Mrs. Littleton were visiting Stormfield at this time, and both Clemens and Littleton spoke to these assembled guests from the terrace, and made them feel that their efforts had been worth while.

It was a kind of celebration day, and the rooms and grounds were filled with visitors. In the dining room, there were plenty of refreshments. Shortly afterward, he sent out a special invitation to all the architects, builders, and workers who had contributed, no matter how big or small, to the construction of his home. Mr. and Mrs. Littleton were visiting Stormfield at the time, and both Clemens and Littleton spoke to the gathered guests from the terrace, making them feel that their efforts had been appreciated.

Presently the idea developed to establish something that would be of benefit to his neighbors, especially to those who did not have access to much reading-matter. He had been for years flooded with books by authors and publishers, and there was a heavy surplus at his home in the city. When these began to arrive he had a large number of volumes set aside as the nucleus of a public library. An unused chapel not far away—it could be seen from one of his windows—was obtained for the purpose; officers were elected; a librarian was appointed, and so the Mark Twain Library of Redding was duly established. Clemens himself was elected its first president, with the resident physician, Dr. Ernest H. Smith, vice-president, and another resident, William E. Grumman, librarian. On the afternoon of its opening the president made a brief address. He said:

Currently, the idea developed to create something that would benefit his neighbors, especially those who didn't have much access to reading material. For years, he had been inundated with books from various authors and publishers, resulting in a significant surplus at his home in the city. When these books started arriving, he set aside a large number of them as the foundation for a public library. An unused chapel nearby—it could be seen from one of his windows—was secured for this purpose; officers were elected; a librarian was appointed, and thus the Mark Twain Library of Redding was officially established. Clemens himself was elected its first president, with the local doctor, Dr. Ernest H. Smith, serving as vice-president, and another resident, William E. Grumman, taking on the role of librarian. On the afternoon of its opening, the president gave a short speech. He said:

    I am here to speak a few instructive words to my fellow-farmers.
    I suppose you are all farmers: I am going to put in a crop next
    year, when I have been here long enough and know how. I couldn't
    make a turnip stay on a tree now after I had grown it. I like to
    talk. It would take more than the Redding air to make me keep
    still, and I like to instruct people. It's noble to be good, and
    it's nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble. I am glad
    to help this library. We get our morals from books. I didn't get
    mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books
    —theoretically at least. Mr. Beard or Mr. Adams will give some
    land, and by and by we are going to have a building of our own.
    I'm here to share a few helpful words with my fellow farmers. I assume you're all farmers: I'm planning to plant a crop next year, once I've been here long enough to figure it out. Right now, I couldn't make a turnip stay on a tree after growing it. I enjoy talking. It would take more than the Redding air to make me quiet, and I like to teach people. It's great to be good, and it’s even better to help others be good, and it requires less effort. I'm happy to support this library. We get our morals from books. I didn't learn mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books—at least in theory. Mr. Beard or Mr. Adams will donate some land, and soon, we'll have our own building.

This statement was news to both Mr. Beard and Mr. Adams and an inspiration of the moment; but Mr. Theodore Adams, who owned a most desirable site, did in fact promptly resolve to donate it for library purposes. Clemens continued:

This statement surprised both Mr. Beard and Mr. Adams and was a spur-of-the-moment inspiration; however, Mr. Theodore Adams, who owned a very valuable piece of land, immediately decided to donate it for library purposes. Clemens continued:

    I am going to help build that library with contributions from my
    visitors. Every male guest who comes to my house will have to
    contribute a dollar or go away without his baggage.

    —[A characteristic notice to guests requiring them to contribute a
    dollar to the Library Building Fund was later placed on the
    billiard-room mantel at Stormfield with good results.]—If those
    burglars that broke into my house recently had done that they would
    have been happier now, or if they'd have broken into this library
    they would have read a few books and led a better life. Now they
    are in jail, and if they keep on they will go to Congress. When a
    person starts downhill you can never tell where he's going to stop.
    I am sorry for those burglars. They got nothing that they wanted
    and scared away most of my servants. Now we are putting in a
    burglar-alarm instead of a dog. Some advised the dog, but it costs
    even more to entertain a dog than a burglar. I am having the ground
    electrified, so that for a mile around any one who puts his foot
    across the line sets off an alarm that will be heard in Europe. Now
    I will introduce the real president to you, a man whom you know
    already—Dr. Smith.
I’m going to help build that library with contributions from my visitors. Every male guest who comes to my house will need to chip in a dollar or leave without their belongings.

—[A characteristic notice to guests requiring them to contribute a dollar to the Library Building Fund was later placed on the billiard-room mantel at Stormfield with good results.]—If those burglars who recently broke into my house had done that, they would be happier now, or if they had broken into this library, they would have read a few books and lived a better life. Now they're in jail, and if they keep this up, they might end up in Congress. When a person starts downhill, you can never tell where they'll stop. I feel sorry for those burglars. They didn’t get anything they wanted and scared away most of my staff. Now we’re installing a burglar alarm instead of a dog. Some suggested a dog, but it costs even more to take care of a dog than a burglar. I’m having the ground electrified, so that for a mile around, anyone who steps across the line will trigger an alarm that can be heard in Europe. Now, let me introduce you to the real president, a man you already know—Dr. Smith.

So a new and important benefit was conferred upon the community, and there was a feeling that Redding, besides having a literary colony, was to be literary in fact.

So a new and significant benefit was given to the community, and there was a sense that Redding, in addition to having a literary colony, was actually going to be literary.

It might have been mentioned earlier that Redding already had literary associations when Mark Twain arrived. As far back as Revolutionary days Joel Barlow, a poet of distinction, and once Minister to France, had been a resident of Redding, and there were still Barlow descendants in the township.

It may have been noted earlier that Redding already had literary connections when Mark Twain arrived. Going back to the Revolutionary era, Joel Barlow, a notable poet and former Minister to France, had lived in Redding, and there were still Barlow descendants in the town.

William Edgar Grumman, the librarian, had written the story of Redding's share in the Revolutionary War—no small share, for Gen. Israel Putnam's army had been quartered there during at least one long, trying winter. Charles Burr Todd, of one of the oldest Redding families, himself—still a resident, was also the author of a Redding history.

William Edgar Grumman, the librarian, had written the story of Redding's role in the Revolutionary War—no small role, as Gen. Israel Putnam's army had been stationed there during at least one long, challenging winter. Charles Burr Todd, a member of one of the oldest families in Redding and still a resident, was also the author of a history of Redding.

Of literary folk not native to Redding, Dora Reed Goodale and her sister Elaine, the wife of Dr. Charles A. Eastman, had, long been residents of Redding Center; Jeanette L. Gilder and Ida M. Tarbell had summer homes on Redding Ridge; Dan Beard, as already mentioned, owned a place near the banks of the Saugatuck, while Kate V. St. Maur, also two of Nathaniel Hawthorne's granddaughters had recently located adjoining the Stormfield lands. By which it will be seen that Redding was in no way unsuitable as a home for Mark Twain.

Of literary figures not originally from Redding, Dora Reed Goodale and her sister Elaine, who is married to Dr. Charles A. Eastman, had long been residents of Redding Center; Jeanette L. Gilder and Ida M. Tarbell had summer homes on Redding Ridge; Dan Beard, as mentioned earlier, owned a place near the banks of the Saugatuck, while Kate V. St. Maur, along with two of Nathaniel Hawthorne's granddaughters, had recently settled next to the Stormfield lands. This shows that Redding was definitely a suitable home for Mark Twain.





CCLXV. A MANTEL AND A BABY ELEPHANT

Mark Twain was the receiver of two notable presents that year. The first of these, a mantel from Hawaii, presented to him by the Hawaiian Promotion Committee, was set in place in the billiard-room on the morning of his seventy-third birthday. This committee had written, proposing to build for his new home either a mantel or a chair, as he might prefer, the same to be carved from the native woods. Clemens decided on a billiard-room mantel, and John Howells forwarded the proper measurements. So, in due time, the mantel arrived, a beautiful piece of work and in fine condition, with the Hawaiian word, “Aloha,” one of the sweetest forms of greeting in any tongue, carved as its central ornament.

Mark Twain received two notable gifts that year. The first was a mantel from Hawaii, given to him by the Hawaiian Promotion Committee, and it was installed in the billiard room on the morning of his seventy-third birthday. This committee had proposed to either build him a mantel or a chair for his new home, depending on his preference, and it would be carved from local woods. Clemens chose a billiard-room mantel, and John Howells sent the necessary measurements. Eventually, the mantel arrived—a beautiful piece of craftsmanship in excellent condition, featuring the Hawaiian word “Aloha,” one of the sweetest greetings in any language, carved as its central decoration.

To the donors of the gift Clemens wrote:

To the donors of the gift, Clemens wrote:

    The beautiful mantel was put in its place an hour ago, & its
    friendly “Aloha” was the first uttered greeting received on my 73d
    birthday. It is rich in color, rich in quality, & rich in
    decoration; therefore it exactly harmonized with the taste for such
    things which was born in me & which I have seldom been able to
    indulge to my content. It will be a great pleasure to me, daily
    renewed, to have under my eye this lovely reminder of the loveliest
    fleet of islands that lies anchored in any ocean, & I beg to thank
    the committee for providing me that pleasure.
The beautiful mantel was placed an hour ago, and its friendly “Aloha” was the first greeting I received on my 73rd birthday. It’s rich in color, quality, and decoration; so it perfectly matches my taste for such things, which I've rarely been able to indulge to my satisfaction. It will be a great pleasure for me, renewed every day, to have this lovely reminder of the most beautiful group of islands anchored in any ocean, and I want to thank the committee for providing me with that pleasure.

To F. N. Otremba, who had carved the mantel, he sent this word:

To F. N. Otremba, who had carved the mantel, he sent this message:

    I am grateful to you for the valued compliment to me in the labor of
    heart and hand and brain which you have put upon it. It is worthy
    of the choicest place in the house and it has it.
    I appreciate the valued compliment you've given me for the work of heart, hand, and mind that you put into it. It deserves the best spot in the house, and it has that.

It was the second beautiful mantel in Stormfield—the Hartford library mantel, removed when that house was sold, having been installed in the Stormfield living-room.

It was the second beautiful mantel in Stormfield—the Hartford library mantel, taken out when that house was sold, and put in the Stormfield living room.

Altogether the seventy-third birthday was a pleasant one. Clemens, in the morning, drove down to see the library lot which Mr. Theodore Adams had presented, and the rest of the day there were fine, close billiard games, during which he was in the gentlest and happiest moods. He recalled the games of two years before, and as we stopped playing I said:

Altogether, the seventy-third birthday was a nice one. Clemens drove down in the morning to check out the library lot that Mr. Theodore Adams had donated, and the rest of the day was filled with great, intense billiard games, during which he was in the kindest and happiest moods. He thought back to the games from two years ago, and as we finished playing, I said:

“I hope a year from now we shall be here, still playing the great game.”

“I hope that a year from now we’ll still be here, playing the great game.”

And he answered, as then:

And he answered back then:

“Yes, it is a great game—the best game on earth.” And he held out his hand and thanked me for coming, as he never failed to do when we parted, though it always hurt me a little, for the debt was so largely mine.

“Yes, it’s an amazing game—the best game on earth.” And he extended his hand and thanked me for coming, as he always did when we said goodbye, even though it always stung a bit for me, since I felt the debt was mostly mine.

Mark Twain's second present came at Christmas-time. About ten days earlier, a letter came from Robert J. Collier, saying that he had bought a baby elephant which he intended to present to Mark Twain as a Christmas gift. He added that it would be sent as soon as he could get a car for it, and the loan of a keeper from Barnum & Bailey's headquarters at Bridgeport.

Mark Twain's second gift arrived at Christmas time. About ten days earlier, a letter came from Robert J. Collier, saying that he had bought a baby elephant which he planned to give to Mark Twain as a Christmas gift. He mentioned that it would be sent as soon as he could arrange transportation for it and borrow a keeper from Barnum & Bailey's headquarters in Bridgeport.

The news created a disturbance in Stormfield. One could not refuse, discourteously and abruptly, a costly present like that; but it seemed a disaster to accept it. An elephant would require a roomy and warm place, also a variety of attention which Stormfield was not prepared to supply. The telephone was set going and certain timid excuses were offered by the secretary. There was no good place to put an elephant in Stormfield, but Mr. Collier said, quite confidently:

The news caused quite a stir in Stormfield. It would be rude and abrupt to turn down such an expensive gift, but accepting it felt like a disaster. An elephant would need a spacious and warm area, along with a lot of attention that Stormfield couldn’t provide. The secretary nervously suggested some excuses over the phone. There really wasn’t anywhere to keep an elephant in Stormfield, but Mr. Collier stated, quite confidently:

“Oh, put him in the garage.”

“Oh, just put him in the garage.”

“But there's no heat in the garage.”

“But there’s no heat in the garage.”

“Well, put him in the loggia, then. That's closed in, isn't it, for the winter? Plenty of sunlight—just the place for a young elephant.”

“Well, put him in the loggia then. That's enclosed, right, for the winter? Lots of sunlight—just the spot for a young elephant.”

“But we play cards in the loggia. We use it for a sort of sun-parlor.”

“But we play cards in the loggia. We use it as a kind of sunroom.”

“But that wouldn't matter. He's a kindly, playful little thing. He'll be just like a kitten. I'll send the man up to look over the place and tell you just how to take care of him, and I'll send up several bales of hay in advance. It isn't a large elephant, you know: just a little one—a regular plaything.”

“But that doesn't matter. He's a sweet, playful little thing. He'll be just like a kitten. I'll send someone to check out the place and let you know how to take care of him, and I’ll send over several bales of hay in advance. It’s not a large elephant, you know: just a little one—a real toy.”

There was nothing further to be done; only to wait and dread until the Christmas present's arrival.

There was nothing else to do; just wait and worry until the Christmas present arrived.

A few days before Christmas ten bales of hay arrived and several bushels of carrots. This store of provender aroused no enthusiasm at Stormfield. It would seem there was no escape now.

A few days before Christmas, ten bales of hay and several bushels of carrots arrived. This supply of feed brought no excitement at Stormfield. It seemed there was no way out now.

On Christmas morning Mr. Lounsbury telephoned up that there was a man at the station who said he was an elephant-trainer from Barnum & Bailey's, sent by Mr. Collier to look at the elephant's quarters and get him settled when he should arrive. Orders were given to bring the man over. The day of doom was at hand.

On Christmas morning, Mr. Lounsbury called to say there was a guy at the station claiming to be an elephant trainer from Barnum & Bailey's. He was sent by Mr. Collier to check out the elephant's quarters and get everything ready for his arrival. They were instructed to bring the guy over. The day of reckoning was approaching.

But Lounsbury's detective instinct came once more into play. He had seen a good many elephant-trainers at Bridgeport, and he thought this one had a doubtful look.

But Lounsbury's detective instincts kicked in again. He had seen quite a few elephant trainers at Bridgeport, and he thought this one looked suspicious.

“Where is the elephant?” he asked, as they drove along.

“Where's the elephant?” he asked, as they drove along.

“He will arrive at noon.”

"He'll arrive at noon."

“Where are you going to put him?”

“Where are you going to put him?”

“In the loggia.”

"In the patio."

“How big is he?”

"How tall is he?"

“About the size of a cow.”

“About the size of a cow.”

“How long have you been with Barnum and Bailey?”

“How long have you been with Barnum and Bailey?”

“Six years.”

"6 years."

“Then you must know some friends of mine” (naming two that had no existence until that moment).

“Then you must know some friends of mine” (naming two who didn’t exist until that moment).

“Oh yes, indeed. I know them well.”

“Oh yes, definitely. I know them well.”

Lounsbury didn't say any more just then, but he had a feeling that perhaps the dread at Stormfield had grown unnecessarily large. Something told him that this man seemed rather more like a butler, or a valet, than an elephant-trainer. They drove to Stormfield, and the trainer looked over the place. It would do perfectly, he said. He gave a few instructions as to the care of this new household feature, and was driven back to the station to bring it.

Lounsbury didn’t say anything further at that moment, but he felt that the fear surrounding Stormfield had become overly exaggerated. Something about this man made him seem more like a butler or a valet than an elephant trainer. They drove to Stormfield, and the trainer examined the place. It would work perfectly, he said. He provided a few instructions on how to take care of this new household addition and was taken back to the station to pick it up.

Lounsbury came back by and by, bringing the elephant but not the trainer. It didn't need a trainer. It was a beautiful specimen, with soft, smooth coat and handsome trappings, perfectly quiet, well-behaved and small—suited to the loggia, as Collier had said—for it was only two feet long and beautifully made of cloth and cotton—one of the forest toy elephants ever seen anywhere.

Lounsbury eventually returned, bringing the elephant but not the trainer. It didn’t need a trainer. It was a stunning specimen, with a soft, smooth coat and attractive decorations, perfectly calm, well-mannered, and small—just right for the loggia, as Collier had pointed out—since it was only two feet long and beautifully crafted from fabric and cotton—one of the best toy elephants ever seen anywhere.

It was a good joke, such as Mark Twain loved—a carefully prepared, harmless bit of foolery. He wrote Robert Collier, threatening him with all sorts of revenge, declaring that the elephant was devastating Stormfield.

It was a great joke, just like Mark Twain enjoyed—a well-thought-out, harmless prank. He wrote to Robert Collier, threatening him with all kinds of payback, claiming that the elephant was wreaking havoc at Stormfield.

“To send an elephant in a trance, under pretense that it was dead or stuffed!” he said. “The animal came to life, as you knew it would, and began to observe Christmas, and we now have no furniture left and no servants and no visitors, no friends, no photographs, no burglars—nothing but the elephant. Be kind, be merciful, be generous; take him away and send us what is left of the earthquake.”

“To send an elephant into a trance, pretending it was dead or stuffed!” he said. “The animal came to life, just like you knew it would, and started celebrating Christmas, and now we have no furniture left, no servants, no visitors, no friends, no photographs, no burglars—nothing except the elephant. Be kind, be merciful, be generous; take him away and send us what’s left after the earthquake.”

Collier wrote that he thought it unkind of him to look a gift-elephant in the trunk. And with such chaffing and gaiety the year came to an end.

Collier said he thought it was rude to criticize a gift elephant. And with that teasing and cheerfulness, the year wrapped up.





CCLXXVI. SHAKESPEARE-BACON TALK

When the bad weather came there was not much company at Stormfield, and I went up regularly each afternoon, for it was lonely on that bleak hill, and after his forenoon of reading or writing he craved diversion. My own home was a little more than a half mile away, and I enjoyed the walk, whatever the weather. I usually managed to arrive about three o'clock. He would watch from his high windows until he saw me raise the hilltop, and he would be at the door when I arrived, so that there might be no delay in getting at the games. Or, if it happened that he wished to show me something in his room, I would hear his rich voice sounding down the stair. Once, when I arrived, I heard him calling, and going up I found him highly pleased with the arrangement of two pictures on a chair, placed so that the glasses of them reflected the sunlight on the ceiling. He said:

When the bad weather hit, there weren't many visitors at Stormfield, so I went up regularly every afternoon because it was lonely on that desolate hill. After spending his morning reading or writing, he needed some entertainment. My home was just a little more than half a mile away, and I enjoyed the walk, no matter the weather. I usually got there around three o'clock. He would watch from his tall windows until he saw me reach the hilltop, and he would be at the door when I arrived, ensuring we could dive right into our games. Or, if he wanted to show me something in his room, I’d hear his deep voice calling from upstairs. Once, when I got there, I heard him calling, and when I went up, I found him really happy with how he had arranged two pictures on a chair, positioned so that their glass reflected sunlight onto the ceiling. He said:

“They seem to catch the reflection of the sky and the winter colors. Sometimes the hues are wonderfully iridescent.”

“They seem to capture the reflection of the sky and the winter colors. Sometimes the shades are beautifully iridescent.”

He pointed to a bunch of wild red berries on the mantel with the sun on them.

He pointed to a cluster of wild red berries on the mantel, illuminated by the sunlight.

“How beautifully they light up!” he said; “some of them in the sunlight, some still in the shadow.”

“How beautifully they light up!” he said; “some of them in the sunlight, some still in the shadow.”

He walked to the window and stood looking out on the somber fields.

He walked to the window and stood staring out at the gloomy fields.

“The lights and colors are always changing there,” he said. “I never tire of it.”

“The lights and colors are always changing there,” he said. “I never get bored of it.”

To see him then so full of the interest and delight of the moment, one might easily believe he had never known tragedy and shipwreck. More than any one I ever knew, he lived in the present. Most of us are either dreaming of the past or anticipating the future—forever beating the dirge of yesterday or the tattoo of to-morrow. Mark Twain's step was timed to the march of the moment. There were days when he recalled the past and grieved over it, and when he speculated concerning the future; but his greater interest was always of the now, and of the particular locality where he found it. The thing which caught his fancy, however slight or however important, possessed him fully for the time, even if never afterward.

To see him then, so full of interest and enjoyment in the moment, you might easily think he had never experienced tragedy or disaster. More than anyone I’ve ever known, he lived in the present. Most of us either dwell on the past or look forward to the future—constantly mourning yesterday or worrying about tomorrow. Mark Twain’s pace was in sync with the rhythm of the moment. There were days when he reminisced and felt sorrow about the past, and when he pondered the future; but his main focus was always on the now and on the specific place where he was. Whatever caught his attention, no matter how trivial or significant, captivated him completely at that time, even if it never drew his interest again.

He was especially interested that winter in the Shakespeare-Bacon problem. He had long been unable to believe that the actor-manager from Stratford had written those great plays, and now a book just published, 'The Shakespeare Problem Restated', by George Greenwood, and another one in press, 'Some Characteristic Signatures of Francis Bacon', by William Stone Booth, had added the last touch of conviction that Francis Bacon, and Bacon only, had written the Shakespeare dramas. I was ardently opposed to this idea. The romance of the boy, Will Shakespeare, who had come up to London and began, by holding horses outside of the theater, and ended by winning the proudest place in the world of letters, was something I did not wish to let perish. I produced all the stock testimony—Ben Jonson's sonnet, the internal evidence of the plays themselves, the actors who had published them—but he refused to accept any of it. He declared that there was not a single proof to show that Shakespeare had written one of them.

He was particularly intrigued that winter by the Shakespeare-Bacon debate. He had long struggled to accept that the actor-manager from Stratford had actually written those amazing plays. Now, a newly published book called 'The Shakespeare Problem Restated' by George Greenwood, along with another book soon to be released, 'Some Characteristic Signatures of Francis Bacon' by William Stone Booth, had convinced him that only Francis Bacon could have written the Shakespeare plays. I was strongly against this idea. The story of the young boy, Will Shakespeare, who made his way to London, starting out by holding horses outside theaters and eventually earning a celebrated place in literature, was something I didn’t want to let fade away. I put forth all the usual evidence—Ben Jonson's sonnet, the internal clues within the plays, the actors who published them—but he wouldn’t accept any of it. He claimed there wasn’t a single piece of proof that Shakespeare had authored one of them.

“Is there any evidence that he didn't?” I asked.

“Is there any evidence that he did?” I asked.

“There's evidence that he couldn't,” he said. “It required a man with the fullest legal equipment to have written them. When you have read Greenwood's book you will see how untenable is any argument for Shakespeare's authorship.”

“There's evidence that he couldn't,” he said. “It required someone with the complete legal background to have written them. Once you read Greenwood's book, you'll understand how weak any argument for Shakespeare's authorship really is.”

I was willing to concede something, and offered a compromise.

I was ready to give in a little and suggested a compromise.

“Perhaps,” I said, “Shakespeare was the Belasoo of that day—the managerial genius, unable to write plays himself, but with the supreme gift of making effective drama from the plays of others. In that case it is not unlikely that the plays would be known as Shakespeare's. Even in this day John Luther Long's 'Madam Butterfly' is sometimes called Belasco's play; though it is doubtful if Belasco ever wrote a line of it.”

“Maybe,” I said, “Shakespeare was the Belasco of his time—the genius behind the scenes, unable to write plays himself, but with an incredible talent for bringing out the best in the works of others. In that case, it’s likely that the plays would be credited to Shakespeare. Even today, John Luther Long's 'Madam Butterfly' is sometimes referred to as Belasco's play; although it’s questionable if Belasco ever wrote a single line of it.”

He considered this view, but not very favorably. The Booth book was at this time a secret, and he had not told me anything concerning it; but he had it in his mind when he said, with an air of the greatest conviction:

He thought about this view, but not in a positive way. The Booth book was a secret at that time, and he hadn't shared any details with me. However, it was on his mind when he said, with complete certainty:

“I know that Shakespeare did not write those plays, and I have reason to believe he did not touch the text in any way.”

“I know that Shakespeare didn’t write those plays, and I have good reason to believe he didn’t change the text at all.”

“How can you be so positive?” I asked.

“How can you be so positive?” I asked.

He replied:

He responded:

“I have private knowledge from a source that cannot be questioned.”

“I have confidential information from a source that cannot be doubted.”

I now suspected that he was joking, and asked if he had been consulting a spiritual medium; but he was clearly in earnest.

I now thought he might be joking, so I asked if he had been talking to a spiritual medium, but he was clearly serious.

“It is the great discovery of the age,” he said, quite seriously. “The world will soon ring with it. I wish I could tell you about it, but I have passed my word. You will not have long to wait.”

“It’s the major discovery of our time,” he said earnestly. “The world will soon be buzzing about it. I wish I could share it with you, but I’ve given my word. You won’t have to wait much longer.”

I was going to sail for the Mediterranean in February, and I asked if it would be likely that I would know this great secret before I sailed. He thought not; but he said that more than likely the startling news would be given to the world while I was on the water, and it might come to me on the ship by wireless. I confess I was amazed and intensely curious by this time. I conjectured the discovery of some document—some Bacon or Shakespeare private paper which dispelled all the mystery of the authorship. I hinted that he might write me a letter which I could open on the ship; but he was firm in his refusal. He had passed his word, he repeated, and the news might not be given out as soon as that; but he assured me more than once that wherever I might be, in whatever remote locality, it would come by cable, and the world would quake with it. I was tempted to give up my trip, to be with him at Stormfield at the time of the upheaval.

I was planning to sail for the Mediterranean in February, and I asked if I would likely know this big secret before I left. He thought not; however, he said it was very likely that the shocking news would be announced to the world while I was at sea, and it might reach me on the ship via wireless. I admit I was amazed and extremely curious by then. I speculated that it might involve the discovery of some document—maybe a private paper from Bacon or Shakespeare that could clear up all the mystery about authorship. I suggested he might write me a letter that I could open on the ship, but he firmly refused. He repeated that he had given his word, and the news might not be released that soon; but he assured me more than once that no matter where I was, in whatever remote place, it would come by cable, and the world would tremble from it. I was tempted to cancel my trip to be with him at Stormfield when the upheaval happened.

Naturally the Shakespeare theme was uppermost during the remaining days that we were together. He had engaged another stenographer, and was now dictating, forenoons, his own views on the subject—views coordinated with those of Mr. Greenwood, whom he liberally quoted, but embellished and decorated in his own gay manner. These were chapters for his autobiography, he said, and I think he had then no intention of making a book of them. I could not quite see why he should take all this argumentary trouble if he had, as he said, positive evidence that Bacon, and not Shakespeare, had written the plays. I thought the whole matter very curious.

Naturally, the Shakespeare topic was at the forefront during the last days we spent together. He had hired another stenographer and was now dictating his own thoughts on the matter in the mornings—thoughts that aligned with Mr. Greenwood's, whom he quoted liberally but added his own colorful spin to. He mentioned these were chapters for his autobiography, and I believe he didn't actually intend to turn them into a book. I couldn't quite understand why he'd go through all this argumentative trouble if he truly had solid proof that Bacon, not Shakespeare, had written the plays. I found the whole situation quite intriguing.

The Shakespeare interest had diverging by-paths. One evening, when we were alone at dinner, he said:

The Shakespeare interest had taken different directions. One evening, when we were alone at dinner, he said:

“There is only one other illustrious man in history about whom there is so little known,” and he added, “Jesus Christ.”

“There is only one other remarkable person in history about whom so little is known,” and he added, “Jesus Christ.”

He reviewed the statements of the Gospels concerning Christ, though he declared them to be mainly traditional and of no value. I agreed that they contained confusing statements, and inflicted more or less with justice and reason; but I said I thought there was truth in them, too.

He looked over the accounts of the Gospels about Christ, although he claimed they were mostly traditional and worthless. I agreed they had confusing statements, and were more or less affected by justice and reason; but I said I believed there was truth in them as well.

“Why do you think so?” he asked.

“Why do you think that?” he asked.

“Because they contain matters that are self-evident—things eternally and essentially just.”

“Because they include things that are obvious—things that are always and fundamentally right.”

“Then you make your own Bible?”

“Are you creating your own version of the Bible?”

“Yes, from those materials combined with human reason.”

“Yes, from those materials mixed with human reasoning.”

“Then it does not matter where the truth, as you call it, comes from?”

“Then it doesn't matter where the truth, as you call it, comes from?”

I admitted that the source did not matter; that truth from Shakespeare, Epictetus, or Aristotle was quite as valuable as from the Scriptures. We were on common ground now. He mentioned Marcus Aurelius, the Stoics, and their blameless lives. I, still pursuing the thought of Jesus, asked:

I acknowledged that the source didn’t matter; that truth from Shakespeare, Epictetus, or Aristotle was just as valuable as that from the Scriptures. We were on the same page now. He brought up Marcus Aurelius, the Stoics, and their virtuous lives. Still focused on the idea of Jesus, I asked:

“Do you not think it strange that in that day when Christ came, admitting that there was a Christ, such a character could have come at all—in the time of the Pharisees and the Sadducees, when all was ceremony and unbelief?”

“Don’t you find it odd that on the day Christ arrived, assuming there was a Christ, such a person could actually come during the time of the Pharisees and Sadducees, when everything was just rituals and disbelief?”

“I remember,” he said, “the Sadducees didn't believe in hell. He brought them one.”

“I remember,” he said, “the Sadducees didn't believe in hell. He showed them one.”

“Nor the resurrection. He brought them that, also.”

“Nor the resurrection. He gave them that, too.”

He did not admit that there had been a Christ with the character and mission related by the Gospels.

He did not acknowledge that there had been a Christ with the character and mission described in the Gospels.

“It is all a myth,” he said. “There have been Saviours in every age of the world. It is all just a fairy tale, like the idea of Santa Claus.”

“It’s all a myth,” he said. “There have been Saviors in every era of the world. It’s just a fairy tale, like the idea of Santa Claus.”

“But,” I argued, “even the spirit of Christmas is real when it is genuine. Suppose that we admit there was no physical Saviour—that it is only an idea—a spiritual embodiment which humanity has made for itself and is willing to improve upon as its own spirituality improves, wouldn't that make it worthy?”

“But,” I argued, “even the spirit of Christmas is real when it’s genuine. What if we accept that there’s no physical Savior—that it’s just an idea—a spiritual representation that humanity has created for itself and is open to improving as its own spirituality evolves? Wouldn't that make it meaningful?”

“But then the fairy story of the atonement dissolves, and with it crumbles the very foundations of any established church. You can create your own Testament, your own Scripture, and your own Christ, but you've got to give up your atonement.”

“But then the fairy tale of redemption falls apart, and along with it, the very foundations of any established church. You can create your own Testament, your own Scripture, and your own Christ, but you have to give up your redemption.”

“As related to the crucifixion, yes, and good riddance to it; but the death of the old order and the growth of spirituality comes to a sort of atonement, doesn't it?”

"As it relates to the crucifixion, yes, and good riddance to it; but the death of the old order and the rise of spirituality lead to a kind of atonement, don't you think?"

He said:

He said:

“A conclusion like that has about as much to do with the Gospels and Christianity as Shakespeare had to do with Bacon's plays. You are preaching a doctrine that would have sent a man to the stake a few centuries ago. I have preached that in my own Gospel.”

“A conclusion like that is about as relevant to the Gospels and Christianity as Shakespeare is to Bacon's plays. You’re promoting a belief that would have gotten a man executed a few centuries ago. I’ve preached that in my own Gospel.”

I remembered then, and realized that, by my own clumsy ladder, I had merely mounted from dogma, and superstition to his platform of training the ideals to a higher contentment of soul.

I then remembered and realized that, by my own awkward efforts, I had simply moved from dogma and superstition to his approach of teaching ideals for a deeper sense of fulfillment.





CCLXXVII. “IS SHAKESPEARE DEAD?”

I set out on my long journey with much reluctance. However, a series of guests with various diversions had been planned, and it seemed a good time to go. Clemens gave me letters of introduction, and bade me Godspeed. It would be near the end of April before I should see him again.

I started my long journey feeling pretty hesitant. However, a lineup of guests with different entertainment had been scheduled, and it felt like a good time to leave. Clemens gave me letters of introduction and wished me well. It would be almost the end of April before I’d see him again.

Now and then on the ship, and in the course of my travels, I remembered the great news I was to hear concerning Shakespeare. In Cairo, at Shepheard's, I looked eagerly through English newspapers, expecting any moment to come upon great head-lines; but I was always disappointed. Even on the return voyage there was no one I could find who had heard any particular Shakespeare news.

Now and then on the ship and during my travels, I thought about the big news I was supposed to hear about Shakespeare. In Cairo, at Shepheard's, I eagerly flipped through English newspapers, expecting to see big headlines at any moment, but I was always let down. Even on the way back, I couldn't find anyone who had heard any specific news about Shakespeare.

Arriving in New York, I found that Clemens himself had published his Shakespeare dictations in a little volume of his own, entitled, 'Is Shakespeare Dead?' The title certainly suggested spiritistic matters, and I got a volume at Harpers', and read it going up on the train, hoping to find somewhere in it a solution of the great mystery. But it was only matter I had already known; the secret was still unrevealed.

Arriving in New York, I discovered that Clemens had published his Shakespeare dictations in a small book called, 'Is Shakespeare Dead?' The title definitely hinted at supernatural themes, so I picked up a copy at Harpers' and read it on the train, hoping to find an answer to the big mystery. But it was just information I already knew; the secret remained unsolved.

At Redding I lost not much time in getting up to Stormfield. There had been changes in my absence. Clara Clemens had returned from her travels, and Jean, whose health seemed improved, was coming home to be her father's secretary. He was greatly pleased with these things, and declared he was going to have a home once more with his children about him.

At Redding, I quickly headed over to Stormfield. Things had changed while I was away. Clara Clemens was back from her travels, and Jean, who seemed healthier, was coming home to be her dad's secretary. He was really happy about all of this and said he was going to have a home again with his kids around him.

He was quite alone that day, and we walked up and down the great living-room for an hour, perhaps, while he discussed his new plans. For one thing, he had incorporated his pen-name, Mark Twain, in order that the protection of his copyrights and the conduct of his literary business in general should not require his personal attention. He seemed to find a relief in this, as he always did in dismissing any kind of responsibility. When we went in for billiards I spoke of his book, which I had read on the way up, and of the great Shakespearian secret which was to astonish the world. Then he told me that the matter had been delayed, but that he was no longer required to suppress it; that the revelation was in the form of a book—a book which revealed conclusively to any one who would take the trouble to follow the directions that the acrostic name of Francis Bacon in a great variety of forms ran through many—probably through all of the so-called Shakespeare plays. He said it was far and away beyond anything of the kind ever published; that Ignatius Donnelly and others had merely glimpsed the truth, but that the author of this book, William Stone Booth, had demonstrated, beyond any doubt or question, that the Bacon signatures were there. The book would be issued in a few days, he said. He had seen a set of proofs of it, and while it had not been published in the best way to clearly demonstrate its great revelation, it must settle the matter with every reasoning mind. He confessed that his faculties had been more or less defeated in, attempting to follow the ciphers, and he complained bitterly that the evidence had not been set forth so that he who merely skims a book might grasp it.

He felt pretty alone that day, and we strolled up and down the big living room for about an hour while he talked about his new plans. For one thing, he had adopted his pen name, Mark Twain, so that protecting his copyrights and managing his literary work wouldn’t need his personal attention. He seemed to find relief in this, just like he always did when he let go of any kind of responsibility. When we went in to play billiards, I brought up his book, which I had read on the way there, and the big Shakespearian secret that was supposed to shock the world. He then told me that the matter had been delayed, but he no longer had to keep it under wraps; the revelation was in the form of a book—a book that conclusively showed anyone willing to follow the directions that the acrostic name of Francis Bacon appeared in many—probably all of the so-called Shakespeare plays. He said it was far and away more significant than anything ever published; that Ignatius Donnelly and others had only scratched the surface of the truth, but that the author of this book, William Stone Booth, had proven, beyond any doubt, that the Bacon signatures were there. He mentioned that the book would be coming out in a few days and that he had seen some proofs of it. Although it hadn’t been published in the best way to clearly show its major revelation, it would convince any reasonable person. He admitted that he had struggled to follow the ciphers and complained bitterly that the evidence hadn’t been presented in a way that a casual reader could easily grasp.

He had failed on the acrostics at first; but more recently he had understood the rule, and had been able to work out several Bacon signatures. He complimented me by saying that he felt sure that when the book came I would have no trouble with it.

He had initially struggled with the acrostics, but recently he had grasped the rule and managed to figure out several Bacon signatures. He praised me by saying he was confident that when the book arrived, I would have no trouble with it.

Without going further with this matter, I may say here that the book arrived presently, and between us we did work out a considerable number of the claimed acrostics by following the rules laid down. It was certainly an interesting if not wholly convincing occupation, and it would be a difficult task for any one to prove that the ciphers are not there. Just why this pretentious volume created so little agitation it would be hard to say. Certainly it did not cause any great upheaval in the literary world, and the name of William Shakespeare still continues to be printed on the title-page of those marvelous dramas so long associated with his name.

Without going further into this, I can say that the book arrived shortly, and between us, we managed to work out quite a few of the claimed acrostics by following the established rules. It was definitely an interesting, if not entirely convincing, activity, and it would be tough for anyone to prove that the ciphers aren't there. It's hard to say why this pretentious book caused so little reaction. It certainly didn't create any major shake-up in the literary world, and the name William Shakespeare still appears on the title page of those marvelous plays long linked to him.

Mark Twain's own book on the subject—'Is Shakespeare Dead?'—found a wide acceptance, and probably convinced as many readers. It contained no new arguments; but it gave a convincing touch to the old ones, and it was certainly readable.—[Mark Twain had the fullest conviction as to the Bacon authorship of the Shakespeare plays. One evening, with Mr. Edward Loomis, we attended a fine performance of “Romeo and Juliet” given by Sothern and Marlowe. At the close of one splendid scene he said, quite earnestly, “That is about the best play that Lord Bacon ever wrote.”]

Mark Twain's own book on the topic—'Is Shakespeare Dead?'—was widely accepted and probably convinced many readers. It didn't introduce any new arguments, but it gave a compelling twist to the old ones, and it was definitely enjoyable to read. —[Mark Twain was completely convinced of Bacon's authorship of the Shakespeare plays. One evening, with Mr. Edward Loomis, we saw a great performance of “Romeo and Juliet” by Sothern and Marlowe. At the end of one amazing scene, he said, quite earnestly, “That is about the best play that Lord Bacon ever wrote.”]

Among the visitors who had come to Stormfield was Howells. Clemens had called a meeting of the Human Race Club, but only Howells was able to attend. We will let him tell of his visit:

Among the visitors who came to Stormfield was Howells. Clemens had called a meeting of the Human Race Club, but only Howells could attend. We'll let him share about his visit:

    We got on very well without the absentees, after finding them in the
    wrong, as usual, and the visit was like those I used to have with
    him so many years before in Hartford, but there was not the old
    ferment of subjects. Many things had been discussed and put away
    for good, but we had our old fondness for nature and for each other,
    who were so differently parts of it. He showed his absolute content
    with his house, and that was the greater pleasure for me because it
    was my son who designed it. The architect had been so fortunate as
    to be able to plan it where a natural avenue of savins, the close-
    knit, slender, cypress-like cedars of New England, led away from the
    rear of the villa to the little level of a pergola, meant some day
    to be wreathed and roofed with vines. But in the early spring days
    all the landscape was in the beautiful nakedness of the Northern
    winter. It opened in the surpassing loveliness of wooded and
    meadowed uplands, under skies that were the first days blue, and the
    last gray over a rainy and then a snowy floor. We walked up and
    down, up and down, between the villa terrace and the pergola, and
    talked with the melancholy amusement, the sad tolerance of age for
    the sort of men and things that used to excite us or enrage us; now
    we were far past turbulence or anger. Once we took a walk together
    across the yellow pastures to a chasmal creek on his grounds, where
    the ice still knit the clayey banks together like crystal mosses;
    and the stream far down clashed through and over the stones and the
    shards of ice. Clemens pointed out the scenery he had bought to
    give himself elbowroom, and showed me the lot he was going to have
    me build on. The next day we came again with the geologist he had
    asked up to Stormfield to analyze its rocks. Truly he loved the
    place....

    My visit at Stormfield came to an end with tender relucting on his
    part and on mine. Every morning before I dressed I heard him
    sounding my name through the house for the fun of it and I know for
    the fondness, and if I looked out of my door there he was in his
    long nightgown swaying up and down the corridor, and wagging his
    great white head like a boy that leaves his bed and comes out in the
    hope of frolic with some one. The last morning a soft sugar-snow
    had fallen and was falling, and I drove through it down to the
    station in the carriage which had been given him by his wife's
    father when they were first married, and had been kept all those
    intervening years in honorable retirement for this final use.—[This
    carriage—a finely built coup—had been presented to Mrs. Crane when
    the Hartford house was closed. When Stormfield was built she
    returned it to its original owner.]—Its springs had not grown
    yielding with time, it had rather the stiffness and severity of age;
    but for him it must have swung low like the sweet chariot of the
    negro “spiritual” which I heard him sing with such fervor when those
    wonderful hymns of the slaves began to make their way northward.
We got along just fine without the people who were missing, after realizing they were wrong, as usual, and the visit felt like those I used to have with him many years ago in Hartford, but there wasn’t the same intense discussion of topics. We had talked about and set aside many things for good, but we still shared our old love for nature and for each other, each of us being such different parts of it. He expressed his complete satisfaction with his house, which made me even happier because my son designed it. The architect had been lucky enough to plan it where a natural path of savins, the tightly-knit, slender, cypress-like cedars of New England, led from the back of the villa to a small level of a pergola, which was meant to be covered with vines one day. But in the early spring, the landscape was beautifully bare from the Northern winter. It opened up in the stunning beauty of wooded and grassy hills, under skies that were first a vibrant blue and then a gray over a rainy and snowy ground. We walked back and forth between the villa terrace and the pergola, talking with the bittersweet amusement and the weary acceptance of age for the kinds of people and things that once excited or angered us; now we were well past feeling turbulence or anger. One time we strolled across the yellow pastures to a deep creek on his property, where the ice still held the clay banks together like crystal moss; and the stream far below crashed over the stones and shards of ice. Clemens pointed out the scenery he had bought to give himself some space, and showed me the lot he wanted me to build on. The next day we returned with the geologist he had invited to Stormfield to analyze its rocks. He truly loved the place....

My visit at Stormfield ended with a tender reluctance on both our parts. Every morning before I got dressed, I heard him calling my name throughout the house just for fun, and I knew it was out of affection, and if I peeked out of my door, there he was in his long nightgown pacing up and down the hallway, shaking his great white head like a boy who gets out of bed hoping to play with someone. On the last morning, a light sugar-snow had fallen and was still falling, and I drove through it to the station in the carriage given to him by his wife's father when they first got married, which had been kept all those years in honorable retirement for this final use. —[This carriage—a finely built coup—had been given to Mrs. Crane when the Hartford house was closed. When Stormfield was built, she returned it to its original owner.]—Its springs hadn't become flexible with time; instead, it had the rigidity and stiffness of age; but for him, it must have felt like the sweet chariot of the negro “spiritual” which I heard him sing with such passion when those beautiful hymns of the slaves began to spread northward.

Howells's visit resulted in a new inspiration. Clemens started to write him one night when he could not sleep, and had been reading the volume of letters of James Russell Lowell. Then, next morning, he was seized with the notion of writing a series of letters to such friends as Howells, Twichell, and Rogers—letters not to be mailed, but to be laid away for some future public. He wrote two of these immediately—to Howells and to Twichell. The Howells letter (or letters, for it was really double) is both pathetic and amusing. The first part ran:

Howells's visit sparked a new burst of creativity. One night, unable to sleep and while reading the collection of letters by James Russell Lowell, Clemens felt inspired to write. The next morning, he decided to write a series of letters to friends like Howells, Twichell, and Rogers—letters that wouldn’t be sent but saved for potential publication later. He quickly wrote two of these letters—to Howells and Twichell. The letter to Howells (or letters, as it was actually a double) is both touching and funny. The first part read:

    3 in the morning, April 17, 1909.

    My pen has gone dry and the ink is out of reach. Howells, did you
    write me day-before-day-before yesterday or did I dream it? In my
    mind's eye I most vividly see your hand-write on a square blue
    envelope in the mail-pile. I have hunted the house over, but there
    is no such letter. Was it an illusion?

    I am reading Lowell's letters & smoking. I woke an hour ago & am
    reading to keep from wasting the time. On page 305, Vol. I, I have
    just margined a note:

    “Young friend! I like that! You ought to see him now.”

    It seemed startlingly strange to hear a person call you young. It
    was a brick out of a blue sky, & knocked me groggy for a moment. Ah
    me, the pathos of it is that we were young then. And he—why, so
    was he, but he didn't know it. He didn't even know it 9 years
    later, when we saw him approaching and you warned me, saying:

    “Don't say anything about age—he has just turned 50 & thinks he is
    old, & broods over it.”

    Well, Clara did sing! And you wrote her a dear letter.

    Time to go to sleep.

                     Yours ever,
                                MARK
    3 AM, April 17, 1909.

    My pen has run out of ink and I can’t reach any more. Howells, did you write to me the day before yesterday or was that a dream? I can clearly picture your handwriting on a blue envelope in the stack of mail. I've searched the whole house, but there’s no letter. Was it just my imagination?

    I’m reading Lowell's letters and smoking. I woke up an hour ago and I’m reading to make the most of my time. On page 305, Vol. I, I just made a note in the margin:

    “Young friend! I like that! You should see him now.”

    It felt surprisingly odd to hear someone call me young. It hit me out of the blue, and I was a bit dazed for a moment. Oh, the irony is that we were young back then. And he—well, he was too, but he didn't even realize it. He still didn’t know it nine years later when we saw him coming and you warned me, saying:

    “Don't mention age—he just turned 50 and thinks he’s old, and he’s been dwelling on it.”

    Well, Clara did sing! And you wrote her a lovely letter.

    Time to go to sleep.

                     Yours always,
                                MARK

The second letter, begun at 10 A.M., outlines the plan by which he is to write on the subject uppermost in his mind without restraint, knowing that the letter is not to be mailed.

The second letter, started at 10 A.M., lays out the plan for him to write freely about what’s on his mind, knowing that this letter won’t be sent.

   ...The scheme furnishes a definite target for each letter, & you
    can choose the target that's going to be the most sympathetic for
    what you are hungering & thirsting to say at that particular moment.
    And you can talk with a quite unallowable frankness & freedom
    because you are not going to send the letter. When you are on fire
    with theology you'll not write it to Rogers, who wouldn't be an
    inspiration; you'll write it to Twichell, because it will make him
    writhe and squirm & break the furniture. When you are on fire with
    a good thing that's indecent you won't waste it on Twichell; you'll
    save it for Howells, who will love it. As he will never see it you
    can make it really indecenter than he could stand; & so no harm is
    done, yet a vast advantage is gained.
   ...The plan gives you a specific target for each letter, and you can pick the person who will best understand what you really want to express at that moment. You can speak with a level of honesty and freedom that wouldn’t normally be acceptable because you’re not actually going to send the letter. When you’re feeling passionate about theology, you won’t write to Rogers, who wouldn’t inspire you; you’ll write to Twichell, because it will make him uncomfortable and agitated. When you have a really good but inappropriate idea, you won’t waste it on Twichell; you’ll save it for Howells, who will appreciate it. Since he’ll never see it, you can make it even more inappropriate than he could handle; so no harm is done, yet you gain a huge advantage.

The letter was not finished, and the scheme perished there. The Twichell letter concerned missionaries, and added nothing to what he had already said on the subject.

The letter was unfinished, and the plan ended there. The Twichell letter was about missionaries and didn’t add anything to what he had already said on the topic.

He wrote no letter to Mr. Rogers—perhaps never wrote to him again.

He didn’t write a letter to Mr. Rogers—maybe he never wrote to him again.





CCLXXVIII. THE DEATH OF HENRY ROGERS

Clemens, a little before my return, had been on a trip to Norfolk, Virginia, to attend the opening ceremonies of the Virginia Railway. He had made a speech on that occasion, in which he had paid a public tribute to Henry Rogers, and told something of his personal obligation to the financier.

Clemens, shortly before I got back, had taken a trip to Norfolk, Virginia, for the opening ceremonies of the Virginia Railway. He gave a speech there, publicly honoring Henry Rogers and sharing a bit about his personal debt to the financier.

He began by telling what Mr. Rogers had done for Helen Keller, whom he called “the most marvelous person of her sex that has existed on this earth since Joan of Arc.” Then he said:

He started by sharing what Mr. Rogers had done for Helen Keller, whom he referred to as “the most incredible person of her gender to have ever lived on this planet since Joan of Arc.” Then he said:

    That is not all Mr. Rogers has done, but you never see that side of
    his character because it is never protruding; but he lends a helping
    hand daily out of that generous heart of his. You never hear of it.
    He is supposed to be a moon which has one side dark and the other
    bright. But the other side, though you don't see it, is not dark;
    it is bright, and its rays penetrate, and others do see it who are
    not God.
    I would take this opportunity to tell something that I have never
    been allowed to tell by Mr. Rogers, either by my mouth or in print,
    and if I don't look at him I can tell it now.

    In 1894, when the publishing company of Charles L. Webster, of which
    I was financial agent, failed, it left me heavily in debt. If you
    will remember what commerce was at that time you will recall that
    you could not sell anything, and could not buy anything, and I was
    on my back; my books were not worth anything at all, and I could not
    give away my copyrights. Mr. Rogers had long-enough vision ahead to
    say, “Your books have supported you before, and after the panic is
    over they will support you again,” and that was a correct
    proposition. He saved my copyrights, and saved me from financial
    ruin. He it was who arranged with my creditors to allow me to roam
    the face of the earth and persecute the nations thereof with
    lectures, promising at the end of four years I would pay dollar for
    dollar. That arrangement was made, otherwise I would now be living
    out-of-doors under an umbrella, and a borrowed one at that.

    You see his white mustache and his hair trying to get white (he is
    always trying to look like me—I don't blame him for that). These
    are only emblematic of his character, and that is all. I say,
    without exception, hair and all, he is the whitest man I have ever
    known.
That’s not everything Mr. Rogers has done, but you never see that side of him because it’s never obvious; he helps out every day with his generous heart. You never hear about it. He’s like a moon with one dark side and one bright side. But the other side, even if you can’t see it, isn’t dark; it’s bright, and its light reaches others who aren’t God. 

I want to take this chance to share something I’ve never been able to say, thanks to Mr. Rogers, either by speaking or writing, and if I don’t look at him, I can finally say it now.

In 1894, when the publishing company of Charles L. Webster, where I was the financial agent, went under, it left me deeply in debt. If you remember what business was like back then, you’ll recall that you couldn’t sell anything, and you couldn’t buy anything; I was in real trouble. My books weren’t worth anything at all, and I couldn’t even give away my copyrights. Mr. Rogers had the foresight to say, “Your books have supported you before, and once the panic is over, they will support you again,” and that turned out to be true. He saved my copyrights and kept me from financial disaster. He arranged with my creditors to let me travel around the world and give lectures, promising I would pay them back, dollar for dollar, in four years. That deal was made; otherwise, I would be living outdoors under an umbrella— and a borrowed one at that.

You see his white mustache and his hair that’s trying to go gray (he’s always trying to look like me—I can’t blame him for that). These are just symbols of his character, and that’s all. I can honestly say, hair and all, he is the most genuine man I’ve ever known.

This had been early in April. Something more than a month later Clemens was making a business trip to New York to see Mr. Rogers. I was telephoned early to go up and look over some matters with him before he started. I do not remember why I was not to go along that day, for I usually made such trips with him. I think it was planned that Miss Clemens, who was in the city, was to meet him at the Grand Central Station. At all events, she did meet him there, with the news that during the night Mr. Rogers had suddenly died. This was May 20, 1909. The news had already come to the house, and I had lost no time in preparations to follow by the next train. I joined him at the Grosvenor Hotel, on Fifth Avenue and Tenth Street. He was upset and deeply troubled by the loss of his stanch adviser and friend. He had a helpless look, and he said his friends were dying away from him and leaving him adrift.

This was early in April. A little over a month later, Clemens was on a business trip to New York to meet Mr. Rogers. I got a call early in the morning to come and go over some things with him before he left. I can't remember why I didn't go with him that day since I usually traveled on those trips with him. I think it was arranged for Miss Clemens, who was in the city, to meet him at Grand Central Station. In any case, she did meet him there, bringing the news that Mr. Rogers had suddenly died during the night. This was May 20, 1909. The news had already reached the house, and I quickly made plans to catch the next train. I met him at the Grosvenor Hotel, on Fifth Avenue and Tenth Street. He was upset and deeply distressed by the loss of his loyal adviser and friend. He looked helpless and said that his friends were fading away, leaving him feeling lost.

“And how I hate to do anything,” he added, “that requires the least modicum of intelligence!”

“And how I hate doing anything,” he added, “that requires even a small amount of intelligence!”

We remained at the Grosvenor for Mr. Rogers's funeral. Clemens served as one of the pall-bearers, but he did not feel equal to the trip to Fairhaven. He wanted to be very quiet, he said. He could not undertake to travel that distance among those whom he knew so well, and with whom he must of necessity join in conversation; so we remained in the hotel apartment, reading and saying very little until bedtime. Once he asked me to write a letter to Jean: “Say, 'Your father says every little while, “How glad I am that Jean is at home again!”' for that is true and I think of it all the time.”

We stayed at the Grosvenor for Mr. Rogers's funeral. Clemens was one of the pallbearers, but he didn’t think he could make the trip to Fairhaven. He wanted to be very quiet, he said. He couldn’t manage to travel that distance among people he knew so well, and with whom he would have to talk; so we stayed in the hotel room, reading and saying very little until bedtime. At one point, he asked me to write a letter to Jean: “Say, 'Your father says every now and then, “How glad I am that Jean is home again!”' because that’s true, and I think about it all the time.”

But by and by, after a long period of silence, he said:

But eventually, after a long stretch of silence, he said:

“Mr. Rogers is under the ground now.”

“Mr. Rogers has passed away.”

And so passed out of earthly affairs the man who had contributed so largely to the comfort of Mark Twain's old age. He was a man of fine sensibilities and generous impulses; withal a keen sense of humor.

And so left the earthly world the man who had greatly contributed to the comfort of Mark Twain's later years. He was a man of refined feelings and kind instincts, along with a sharp sense of humor.

One Christmas, when he presented Mark Twain with a watch and a match-case, he wrote:

One Christmas, when he gave Mark Twain a watch and a match case, he wrote:

    MY DEAR CLEMENS,—For many years your friends have been complaining
    of your use of tobacco, both as to quantity and quality. Complaints
    are now coming in of your use of time. Most of your friends think
    that you are using your supply somewhat lavishly, but the chief
    complaint is in regard to the quality.

    I have been appealed to in the mean time, and have concluded that it
    is impossible to get the right kind of time from a blacking-box.

    Therefore, I take the liberty of sending you herewith a machine that
    will furnish only the best. Please use it with the kind wishes of
                     Yours truly,
                                H. H. ROGERS.

    P. S.—Complaint has also been made in regard to the furrows you
    make in your trousers in scratching matches. You will find a furrow
    on the bottom of the article inclosed. Please use it. Compliments
    of the season to the family.
    MY DEAR CLEMENS,—For many years, your friends have been expressing concerns about your tobacco use, both in terms of how much you smoke and what you smoke. Now, they're also raising issues about how you spend your time. Most of your friends feel that you're using your time a bit too freely, but the main concern is about how you spend it.

    I've been approached about this, and I've concluded that it’s impossible to get the right kind of time from a blacking-box.

    So, I’m sending you a machine that will provide only the best. Please use it with my best wishes.
                     Yours truly,
                                H. H. ROGERS.

    P. S.—There’s also been some feedback about the marks you leave on your trousers during scratching matches. You’ll find a mark at the bottom of the enclosed item. Please use it. Happy holidays to the family.

He was a man too busy to write many letters, but when he did write (to Clemens at least) they were always playful and unhurried. One reading them would not find it easy to believe that the writer was a man on whose shoulders lay the burdens of stupendous finance-burdens so heavy that at last he was crushed beneath their weight.

He was a man who was too busy to write many letters, but when he did write (at least to Clemens), they were always fun and laid-back. Anyone reading them would find it hard to believe that the writer was a man carrying the immense weight of tremendous financial pressures—burdens so heavy that in the end, he was overwhelmed by them.





CCLXXIX. AN EXTENSION OF COPYRIGHT

One of the pleasant things that came to Mark Twain that year was the passage of a copyright bill, which added to the royalty period an extension of fourteen years. Champ Clark had been largely instrumental in the success of this measure, and had been fighting for it steadily since Mark Twain's visit to Washington in 1906. Following that visit, Clark wrote:

One of the nice things that happened for Mark Twain that year was the passing of a copyright bill, which added an extra fourteen years to the royalty period. Champ Clark played a big role in making this happen and had been advocating for it consistently since Mark Twain's trip to Washington in 1906. After that visit, Clark wrote:

   ... It [the original bill] would never pass because the bill
    had literature and music all mixed together. Being a Missourian of
    course it would give me great pleasure to be of service to you.
    What I want to say is this: you have prepared a simple bill relating
    only to the copyright of books; send it to me and I will try to have
    it passed.
   ... It [the original bill] would never pass because it combined literature and music. As a Missourian, I'd be happy to help you. What I mean is this: you've put together a straightforward bill that focuses solely on the copyright of books; send it to me and I'll do my best to get it passed.

Clemens replied that he might have something more to say on the copyright question by and by—that he had in hand a dialogue—[Similar to the “Open Letter to the Register of Copyrights,” North American Review, January, 1905.]—which would instruct Congress, but this he did not complete. Meantime a simple bill was proposed and early in 1909 it became a law. In June Clark wrote:

Clemens responded that he might have more to say about the copyright issue later—that he was working on a dialogue—[Similar to the “Open Letter to the Register of Copyrights,” North American Review, January, 1905.]—which would guide Congress, but he didn’t finish it. In the meantime, a straightforward bill was proposed and by early 1909, it became law. In June, Clark wrote:

    DR. SAMUEL L. CLEMENS,
    Stormfield, Redding, Conn.

    MY DEAR DOCTOR,—I am gradually becoming myself again, after a
    period of exhaustion that almost approximated prostration. After a
    long lecture tour last summer I went immediately into a hard
    campaign; as soon as the election was over, and I had recovered my
    disposition, I came here and went into those tariff hearings, which
    began shortly after breakfast each day, and sometimes lasted until
    midnight. Listening patiently and meekly, withal, to the lying of
    tariff barons for many days and nights was followed by the work of
    the long session; that was followed by a hot campaign to take Uncle
    Joe's rules away from him; on the heels of that “Campaign that
    Failed” came the tariff fight in the House. I am now getting time
    to breathe regularly and I am writing to ask you if the copyright
    law is acceptable to you. If it is not acceptable to you I want to
    ask you to write and tell me how it should be changed and I will
    give my best endeavors to the work. I believe that your ideas and
    wishes in the matter constitute the best guide we have as to what
    should be done in the case.
              Your friend,
                            CHAMP CLARK.
    DR. SAMUEL L. CLEMENS,  
    Stormfield, Redding, Conn.  

    MY DEAR DOCTOR,—I'm slowly getting back to my old self after a phase of exhaustion that nearly left me completely drained. After a long lecture tour last summer, I immediately jumped into a tough campaign; once the election was over and I regained my composure, I came here and got involved in tariff hearings, which started soon after breakfast each day and sometimes went on until midnight. Listening patiently and quietly to the misleading claims of tariff barons for many days and nights was followed by the lengthy session work; that was then succeeded by a heated campaign to strip Uncle Joe of his rules; right after that "Campaign that Failed," the tariff battle in the House took place. I'm finally getting some time to breathe and I'm writing to ask if the copyright law meets your approval. If not, I’d appreciate it if you could write back and let me know how you think it should be changed, and I'll do my best to help with it. I believe your thoughts and preferences on this issue are the best guidance we have for what needs to be done.  
              Your friend,  
                            CHAMP CLARK.

To this Clemens replied:

Clemens responded:

                     STORMFIELD, REDDING, CONN, June 5, 1909.

    DEAR CHAMP CLARK,—Is the new copyright law acceptable to me?
    Emphatically yes! Clark, it is the only sane & clearly defined &
    just & righteous copyright law that has ever existed in the United
    States. Whosoever will compare it with its predecessors will have
    no trouble in arriving at that decision.

    The bill which was before the committee two years ago when I was
    down there was the most stupefying jumble of conflicting &
    apparently irreconcilable interests that was ever seen; and we all
    said “the case is hopeless, absolutely hopeless—out of this chaos
    nothing can be built.” But we were in error; out of that chaotic
    mass this excellent bill has been constructed, the warring interests
    have been reconciled, and the result is as comely and substantial a
    legislative edifice as lifts its domes and towers and protective
    lightning-rods out of the statute book I think. When I think of
    that other bill, which even the Deity couldn't understand, and of
    this one, which even I can understand, I take off my hat to the man
    or men who devised this one. Was it R. U. Johnson? Was it the
    Authors' League? Was it both together? I don't know, but I take
    off my hat, anyway. Johnson has written a valuable article about
    the new law—I inclose it.

    At last—at last and for the first time in copyright history—we are
    ahead of England! Ahead of her in two ways: by length of time and
    by fairness to all interests concerned. Does this sound like
    shouting? Then I must modify it: all we possessed of copyright
    justice before the 4th of last March we owed to England's
    initiative.
                     Truly yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.
                     STORMFIELD, REDDING, CONN, June 5, 1909.

    DEAR CHAMP CLARK,—Is the new copyright law acceptable to me?
    Absolutely yes! Clark, it’s the only sensible, clearly defined,
    fair, and rightful copyright law that has ever existed in the United
    States. Anyone who compares it with earlier laws will have no trouble
    reaching that conclusion.

    The bill that was before the committee two years ago when I was
    there was the most bewildering mix of conflicting and seemingly
    irreconcilable interests ever seen; and we all said, “the case is
    hopeless, absolutely hopeless—out of this chaos nothing can be built.”
    But we were wrong; out of that chaotic mess, this excellent bill has been
    created, the conflicting interests have been resolved, and the result is as 
    attractive and substantial a legislative structure as you can find in the 
    statute books, I believe. When I think of that other bill, which even the 
    Deity couldn't understand, and this one, which even I can understand, 
    I tip my hat to the person or people who came up with this. Was it R. U. 
    Johnson? Was it the Authors' League? Was it both together? I don't know, 
    but I tip my hat, anyway. Johnson has written a valuable article about 
    the new law—I enclose it.

    At last—at last, and for the first time in copyright history—we are
    ahead of England! Ahead of her in two ways: by time and by fairness to 
    all interests involved. Does this sound like bragging? Then I should 
    tone it down: all we had of copyright justice before the 4th of last March 
    we owed to England's initiative.
                     Truly yours,
                                S. L. CLEMENS.

Clemens had prepared what was the final word an the subject of copyright just before this bill was passed—a petition for a law which he believed would regulate the whole matter. It was a generous, even if a somewhat Utopian, plan, eminently characteristic of its author. The new fourteen-year extension, with the prospect of more, made this or any other compromise seem inadvisable.—[The reader may consider this last copyright document by Mark Twain under Appendix N, at the end of this volume.]

Clemens had prepared what was the final word on the subject of copyright just before this bill was passed—a petition for a law that he believed would handle the entire issue. It was a generous, if somewhat idealistic, plan, very much in line with his character. The new fourteen-year extension, with the possibility of more, made this or any other compromise seem unwise.—[The reader may consider this last copyright document by Mark Twain under Appendix N, at the end of this volume.]





CCLXXX. A WARNING

Clemens had promised to go to Baltimore for the graduation of “Francesca” of his London visit in 1907—and to make a short address to her class.

Clemens had promised to go to Baltimore for the graduation of “Francesca” during his trip to London in 1907—and to give a brief speech to her class.

It was the eighth of June when we set out on this journey,—[The reader may remember that it was the 8th of June, 1867, that Mark Twain sailed for the Holy Land. It was the 8th of June, 1907, that he sailed for England to take his Oxford degree. This 8th of June, 1909, was at least slightly connected with both events, for he was keeping an engagement made with Francesca in London, and my notes show that he discussed, on the way to the station, some incidents of his Holy Land trip and his attitude at that time toward Christian traditions. As he rarely mentioned the Quaker City trip, the coincidence seems rather curious. It is most unlikely that Clemens himself in any way associated the two dates.]—but the day was rather bleak and there was a chilly rain. Clemens had a number of errands to do in New York, and we drove from one place to another, attending to them. Finally, in the afternoon, the rain ceased, and while I was arranging some matters for him he concluded to take a ride on the top of a Fifth Avenue stage. It was fine and pleasant when he started, but the weather thickened again and when he returned he complained that he had felt a little chilly. He seemed in fine condition, however, next morning and was in good spirits all the way to Baltimore. Chauncey Depew was on the train and they met in the dining-car—the last time, I think, they ever saw each other. He was tired when we reached the Belvedere Hotel in Baltimore and did not wish to see the newspaper men. It happened that the reporters had a special purpose in coming just at this time, for it had suddenly developed that in his Shakespeare book, through an oversight, due to haste in publication, full credit had not been given to Mr. Greenwood for the long extracts quoted from his work. The sensational head-lines in a morning paper, “Is Mark Twain a Plagiarist?” had naturally prompted the newspaper men to see what he would have to say on the subject. It was a simple matter, easily explained, and Clemens himself was less disturbed about it than anybody. He felt no sense of guilt, he said; and the fact that he had been stealing and caught at it would give Mr. Greenwood's book far more advertising than if he had given him the full credit which he had intended. He found a good deal of amusement in the situation, his only worry being that Clara and Jean would see the paper and be troubled.

It was June 8th when we set out on this journey,—[The reader may remember that it was June 8th, 1867, that Mark Twain sailed for the Holy Land. It was June 8th, 1907, that he sailed for England to receive his Oxford degree. This June 8th, 1909, was at least slightly linked to both events, as he was keeping a commitment made with Francesca in London, and my notes show that he talked about some incidents from his Holy Land trip and his feelings at that time toward Christian traditions while we were heading to the station. Since he rarely mentioned the Quaker City trip, the coincidence seems a bit curious. It’s highly unlikely that Clemens himself connected the two dates.]—but the weather was pretty dreary, with a chilly rain. Clemens had several errands to run in New York, and we drove from place to place taking care of them. Finally, in the afternoon, the rain stopped, and while I was sorting out some things for him, he decided to take a ride on the top of a Fifth Avenue bus. It was nice and pleasant when he set off, but the weather turned again, and when he returned, he complained that he felt a bit cold. However, he seemed to be in great shape the next morning and was in good spirits all the way to Baltimore. Chauncey Depew was on the train, and they met in the dining car—the last time, I believe, they ever saw each other. He was tired when we arrived at the Belvedere Hotel in Baltimore and didn’t want to see the reporters. It turned out that the reporters had a specific reason for coming at that time because it had unexpectedly come to light that in his Shakespeare book, due to a rush to publish, full credit had not been given to Mr. Greenwood for the long quotes taken from his work. The sensational headline in a morning paper, “Is Mark Twain a Plagiarist?” had naturally encouraged the reporters to see what he had to say about it. It was a simple matter, easily explained, and Clemens himself was less bothered by it than anyone else. He felt no guilt, he said; and the fact that he had been accused of stealing and caught at it would actually give Mr. Greenwood’s book much more publicity than if he had given him the full credit he had intended. He found quite a bit of humor in the situation, his only concern being that Clara and Jean would see the paper and worry.

He had taken off his clothes and was lying down, reading. After a little he got up and began walking up and down the room. Presently he stopped and, facing me, placed his hand upon his breast. He said:

He had stripped off his clothes and was lying down, reading. After a bit, he got up and started pacing the room. Soon he stopped, turned to face me, and put his hand on his chest. He said:

“I think I must have caught a little cold yesterday on that Fifth Avenue stage. I have a curious pain in my breast.”

“I think I might have caught a bit of a cold yesterday on that Fifth Avenue stage. I have this strange pain in my chest.”

I suggested that he lie down again and I would fill his hot-water bag. The pain passed away presently, and he seemed to be dozing. I stepped into the next room and busied myself with some writing. By and by I heard him stirring again and went in where he was. He was walking up and down and began talking of some recent ethnological discoveries—something relating to prehistoric man.

I suggested he lie down again while I filled his hot-water bottle. The pain faded soon after, and he appeared to be dozing off. I went into the next room and got busy with some writing. After a while, I heard him moving around again, so I went back to see him. He was pacing back and forth and started talking about some recent discoveries in ethnology—something related to prehistoric humans.

“What a fine boy that prehistoric man must have been,” he said—“the very first one! Think of the gaudy style of him, how he must have lorded it over those other creatures, walking on his hind legs, waving his arms, practising and getting ready for the pulpit.”

“What a great guy that prehistoric man must have been,” he said—“the very first one! Just imagine his flashy style, how he must have been the boss of all those other creatures, walking on two legs, waving his arms, practicing and getting ready for the spotlight.”

The fancy amused him, but presently he paused in his walk and again put his hand on his breast, saying:

The idea made him smile, but soon he stopped walking and placed his hand on his chest again, saying:

“That pain has come back. It's a curious, sickening, deadly kind of pain. I never had anything just like it.”

"That pain has returned. It's a strange, nauseating, deadly type of pain. I've never experienced anything quite like it."

It seemed to me that his face had become rather gray. I said:

It looked to me like his face had turned a bit gray. I said:

“Where is it, exactly, Mr. Clemens?”

“Where is it, exactly, Mr. Clemens?”

He laid his hand in the center of his breast and said:

He placed his hand on his chest and said:

“It is here, and it is very peculiar indeed.”

“It’s here, and it’s really strange.”

Remotely in my mind occurred the thought that he had located his heart, and the “peculiar deadly pain” he had mentioned seemed ominous. I suggested, however, that it was probably some rheumatic touch, and this opinion seemed warranted when, a few moments later, the hot water had again relieved it. This time the pain had apparently gone to stay, for it did not return while we were in Baltimore. It was the first positive manifestation of the angina which eventually would take him from us.

Remotely in my mind, I thought he had found his heart, and the “strange, severe pain” he mentioned felt troubling. I suggested it was probably some kind of rheumatism, and my opinion seemed justified when, a few moments later, the hot water relieved it again. This time, the pain seemed to have vanished for good, as it didn't come back while we were in Baltimore. It was the first clear sign of the angina that would eventually lead to his passing.

The weather was pleasant in Baltimore, and his visit to St. Timothy's School and his address there were the kind of diversions that meant most to him. The flock of girls, all in their pretty commencement dresses, assembled and rejoicing at his playfully given advice: not to smoke—to excess; not to drink—to excess; not to marry—to excess; he standing there in a garb as white as their own—it made a rare picture—a sweet memory—and it was the last time he ever gave advice from the platform to any one.

The weather was nice in Baltimore, and his visit to St. Timothy's School and the speech he gave there were the kinds of distractions that mattered most to him. The group of girls, all in their beautiful graduation dresses, gathered and celebrated his lighthearted advice: not to smoke—in moderation; not to drink—in moderation; not to marry—in moderation; he stood there in an outfit as white as theirs—it created a unique scene—a fond memory—and it was the last time he ever gave advice from a stage to anyone.

Edward S. Martin also spoke to the school, and then there was a great feasting in the big assembly-hall.

Edward S. Martin also spoke to the school, and then there was a big feast in the large assembly hall.

It was on the lawn that a reporter approached him with the news of the death of Edward Everett Hale—another of the old group. Clemens said thoughtfully, after a moment:

It was on the lawn that a reporter came up to him with the news of Edward Everett Hale's death—another member of the old group. Clemens replied thoughtfully, after a moment:

“I had the greatest respect and esteem for Edward Everett Hale, the greatest admiration for his work. I am as grieved to hear of his death as I can ever be to hear of the death of any friend, though my grief is always tempered with the satisfaction of knowing that for the one that goes, the hard, bitter struggle of life is ended.”

“I had deep respect and admiration for Edward Everett Hale and truly valued his work. I’m as saddened by his death as I would be by any friend’s passing, although my sorrow is always mixed with the comfort of knowing that for those who leave us, the tough, harsh struggle of life is over.”

We were leaving the Belvedere next morning, and when the subject of breakfast came up for discussion he said:

We were leaving the Belvedere the next morning, and when we started talking about breakfast, he said:

“That was the most delicious Baltimore fried chicken we had yesterday morning. I think we'll just repeat that order. It reminds me of John Quarles's farm.”

“That was the best Baltimore fried chicken we had yesterday morning. I think we'll just order that again. It makes me think of John Quarles's farm.”

We had been having our meals served in the rooms, but we had breakfast that morning down in the diningroom, and “Francesca” and her mother were there.

We had been having our meals served in our rooms, but that morning we had breakfast in the dining room, and “Francesca” and her mother were there.

As he stood on the railway platform waiting for the train, he told me how once, fifty-five years before, as a boy of eighteen, he had changed cars there for Washington and had barely caught his train—the crowd yelling at him as he ran.

As he stood on the train platform waiting for his ride, he told me about a time, fifty-five years earlier, when he was eighteen and had to switch trains there for Washington. He barely made it onto his train, and the crowd was yelling at him as he ran.

We remained overnight in New York, and that evening, at the Grosvenor, he read aloud a poem of his own which I had not seen before. He had brought it along with some intention of reading it at St. Timothy's, he said, but had not found the occasion suitable.

We stayed overnight in New York, and that evening, at the Grosvenor, he read a poem of his that I hadn’t seen before. He said he had intended to read it at St. Timothy's but hadn't found the right moment.

“I wrote it a long time ago in Paris. I'd been reading aloud to Mrs. Clemens and Susy—in '93, I think—about Lord Clive and Warren Hastings, from Macaulay—how great they were and how far they fell. Then I took an imaginary case—that of some old demented man mumbling of his former state. I described him, and repeated some of his mumblings. Susy and Mrs. Clemens said, 'Write it'—so I did, by and by, and this is it. I call it 'The Derelict.'”

“I wrote this a long time ago in Paris. I had been reading out loud to Mrs. Clemens and Susy—in '93, I think—about Lord Clive and Warren Hastings, from Macaulay—how great they were and how far they fell. Then I created an imaginary case of an old, demented man mumbling about his past. I described him and repeated some of his mumblings. Susy and Mrs. Clemens said, 'Write it'—so I did eventually, and this is it. I call it 'The Derelict.'”

He read in his effective manner that fine poem, the opening stanza of which follows:

He read that beautiful poem in his engaging style, and the first stanza is as follows:

           You sneer, you ships that pass me by,
           Your snow-pure canvas towering proud!
           You traders base!—why, once such fry
           Paid reverence, when like a cloud
           Storm-swept I drove along,
           My Admiral at post, his pennon blue
           Faint in the wilderness of sky, my long
           Yards bristling with my gallant crew,
           My ports flung wide, my guns displayed,
           My tall spars hid in bellying sail!
           —You struck your topsails then, and made
           Obeisance—now your manners fail.
           You mock me, you ships that cruise past me,  
           Your pristine sails standing tall!  
           You lowly traders!—once, such riffraff  
           Showed respect when I swept by  
           Like a storm cloud,  
           My Admiral at his post, his blue flag  
           Faint against the vast sky, my long  
           Masts filled with my brave crew,  
           My ports wide open, my cannons ready,  
           My tall masts hidden under full sails!  
           —You lowered your sails back then and showed  
           Respect—now your manners are gone.

He had employed rhyme with more facility than was usual for him, and the figure and phrasing were full of vigor.

He had used rhyme more easily than usual, and the wording and phrasing were full of energy.

“It is strong and fine,” I said, when he had finished.

“It’s strong and good,” I said, when he was done.

“Yes,” he assented. “It seems so as I read it now. It is so long since I have seen it that it is like reading another man's work. I should call it good, I believe.”

“Yes,” he agreed. “It feels that way as I read it now. It’s been so long since I’ve seen it that it’s like reading someone else’s work. I’d say it’s good, I think.”

He put the manuscript in his bag and walked up and down the floor talking.

He tossed the manuscript in his bag and paced back and forth, talking.

“There is no figure for the human being like the ship,” he said; “no such figure for the storm-beaten human drift as the derelict—such men as Clive and Hastings could only be imagined as derelicts adrift, helpless, tossed by every wind and tide.”

“There is no figure for a human being like a ship,” he said; “there's no better representation of a storm-tossed human soul than a derelict—men like Clive and Hastings could only be pictured as derelicts lost at sea, helpless and swayed by every wind and tide.”

We returned to Redding next day. On the train going home he fell to talking of books and authors, mainly of the things he had never been able to read.

We went back to Redding the next day. On the train home, he started talking about books and authors, mostly about the things he had never been able to read.

“When I take up one of Jane Austen's books,” he said, “such as Pride and Prejudice, I feel like a barkeeper entering the kingdom of heaven. I know, what his sensation would be and his private comments. He would not find the place to his taste, and he would probably say so.”

“When I pick up one of Jane Austen's books,” he said, “like Pride and Prejudice, I feel like a bartender stepping into heaven. I can imagine what his reaction would be and his private thoughts. He wouldn’t find it appealing, and he’d probably let everyone know.”

He recalled again how Stepniak had come to Hartford, and how humiliated Mrs. Clemens had been to confess that her husband was not familiar with the writings of Thackeray and others.

He remembered once more how Stepniak had visited Hartford, and how embarrassed Mrs. Clemens felt when she had to admit that her husband wasn't familiar with the works of Thackeray and others.

“I don't know anything about anything,” he said, mournfully, “and never did. My brother used to try to get me to read Dickens, long ago. I couldn't do it—I was ashamed; but I couldn't do it. Yes, I have read The Tale of Two Cities, and could do it again. I have read it a good many times; but I never could stand Meredith and most of the other celebrities.”

“I don’t know anything about anything,” he said sadly, “and I never did. My brother used to try to get me to read Dickens a long time ago. I couldn’t do it—I felt ashamed; but I just couldn’t manage it. Yes, I’ve read A Tale of Two Cities, and I could read it again. I’ve read it quite a few times, but I never could get into Meredith or most of the other famous authors.”

By and by he handed me the Saturday Times Review, saying:

By and by, he handed me the Saturday Times Review, saying:

“Here is a fine poem, a great poem, I think. I can stand that.”

“Here’s a great poem, a really good one, in my opinion. I can handle that.”

It was “The Palatine (in the 'Dark Ages'),” by Willa Sibert Cather, reprinted from McClure's. The reader will understand better than I can express why these lofty opening stanzas appealed to Mark Twain:

It was "The Palatine (in the 'Dark Ages')," by Willa Sibert Cather, reprinted from McClure's. The reader will understand better than I can explain why these high-minded opening stanzas resonated with Mark Twain:

                      THE PALATINE

              “Have you been with the King to Rome,
              Brother, big brother?”
               “I've been there and I've come home,
              Back to your play, little brother.”

              “Oh, how high is Caesar's house,
              Brother, big brother?”
               “Goats about the doorways browse;
              Night-hawks nest in the burnt roof-tree,
              Home of the wild bird and home of the bee.
              A thousand chambers of marble lie
              Wide to the sun and the wind and the sky.
              Poppies we find amongst our wheat
              Grow on Caesar's banquet seat.
              Cattle crop and neatherds drowse
              On the floors of Caesar's house.”

              “But what has become of Caesar's gold,
              Brother, big brother?”
               “The times are bad and the world is old
              —Who knows the where of the Caesar's gold?
              Night comes black on the Caesar's hill;
              The wells are deep and the tales are ill.
              Fireflies gleam in the damp and mold,
              All that is left of the Caesar's gold.
              Back to your play, little brother.”
 
                      THE PALATINE

              “Have you been to Rome with the King,
              Brother, big brother?”
              “I’ve been there and I’m back home,
              Back to your games, little brother.”

              “Oh, how tall is Caesar’s house,
              Brother, big brother?”
              “Goats wander around the doorways;
              Night-hawks nest in the burned roof,
              Home to wild birds and bees.
              A thousand marble rooms stretch wide
              Open to the sun, the wind, and the sky.
              Poppies grow among our wheat
              On Caesar’s banquet table.
              Cattle graze and herders nap
              On the floors of Caesar’s house.”

              “But what happened to Caesar’s gold,
              Brother, big brother?”
              “The times are tough and the world is old—
              Who knows where Caesar’s gold is?
              Night falls dark on Caesar’s hill;
              The wells run deep and the stories are grim.
              Fireflies flicker in the damp and mold,
              All that’s left of Caesar’s gold.
              Back to your games, little brother.”

Farther along in our journey he handed me the paper again, pointing to these lines of Kipling:

Farther along in our journey, he gave me the paper again, pointing to these lines by Kipling:

           How is it not good for the Christian's health
           To hurry the Aryan brown,
           For the Christian riles and the Aryan smiles,
           And he weareth the Christian down;
           And the end of the fight is a tombstone white
           And the name of the late deceased:
           And the epitaph drear: “A fool lies here
           Who tried to hustle the East.”
 
           How is it not bad for a Christian’s well-being
           To rush the Aryan brown,
           For the Christian gets angry while the Aryan grins,
           And he wears the Christian down;
           And the outcome of the struggle is a white tombstone
           And the name of the recently deceased:
           And the sad epitaph: “A fool lies here
           Who tried to hustle the East.”

“I could stand any amount of that,” he said, and presently: “Life is too long and too short. Too long for the weariness of it; too short for the work to be done. At the very most, the average mind can only master a few languages and a little history.”

“I could handle any amount of that,” he said, and soon added: “Life is both too long and too short. Too long for the exhaustion of it; too short for all the work that needs to be done. At most, the average person can only learn a few languages and a bit of history.”

I said: “Still, we need not worry. If death ends all it does not matter; and if life is eternal there will be time enough.”

I said, “We shouldn't worry. If death is the end, it doesn't really matter; and if life is eternal, we'll have plenty of time.”

“Yes,” he assented, rather grimly, “that optimism of yours is always ready to turn hell's back yard into a playground.”

“Yes,” he agreed, somewhat grimly, “that optimism of yours is always ready to turn hell's back yard into a playground.”

I said that, old as I was, I had taken up the study of French, and mentioned Bayard Taylor's having begun Greek at fifty, expecting to need it in heaven.

I mentioned that even though I was older, I had started studying French, and I brought up how Bayard Taylor began learning Greek at fifty, thinking he would need it in heaven.

Clemens said, reflectively: “Yes—but you see that was Greek.”

Clemens said, thoughtfully: “Yes—but you see, that was Greek.”





CCLXXXI. THE LAST SUMMER AT STORMFIELD

I was at Stormfield pretty constantly during the rest of that year. At first I went up only for the day; but later, when his health did not improve, and when he expressed a wish for companionship evenings, I remained most of the nights as well. Our rooms were separated only by a bath-room; and as neither of us was much given to sleep, there was likely to be talk or reading aloud at almost any hour when both were awake. In the very early morning I would usually slip in, softly, sometimes to find him propped up against his pillows sound asleep, his glasses on, the reading-lamp blazing away as it usually did, day or night; but as often as not he was awake, and would have some new plan or idea of which he was eager to be delivered, and there was always interest, and nearly always amusement in it, even if it happened to be three in the morning or earlier.

I spent a lot of time at Stormfield for the rest of that year. At first, I only went up for the day, but later, when he didn't get any better and asked for company in the evenings, I stayed most nights too. Our rooms were just separated by a bathroom, and since neither of us slept much, there was often talking or reading aloud at almost any hour we were both awake. In the very early morning, I would usually quietly slip in, sometimes finding him propped up against his pillows, sound asleep, with his glasses on and the reading lamp blazing away as it usually did, day or night. More often than not, he was awake and had some new plan or idea he was excited to share, and it was always interesting and almost always entertaining, even if it was three in the morning or earlier.

Sometimes, when he thought it time for me to be stirring, he would call softly, but loudly enough for me to hear if awake; and I would go in, and we would settle again problems of life and death and science, or, rather, he would settle them while I dropped in a remark here and there, merely to hold the matter a little longer in solution.

Sometimes, when he thought it was time for me to wake up, he would call softly, but loud enough for me to hear if I was awake; and I would go in, and we would work through issues of life and death and science, or, more accurately, he would work through them while I added a comment here and there, just to keep the discussion going a bit longer.

The pains in his breast came back, and with a good deal of frequency as the summer advanced; also, they became more severe. Dr. Edward Quintard came up from New York, and did not hesitate to say that the trouble proceeded chiefly from the heart, and counseled diminished smoking, with less active exercise, advising particularly against Clemens's lifetime habit of lightly skipping up and down stairs.

The pain in his chest returned, and it happened more often as summer went on; it also got worse. Dr. Edward Quintard came up from New York and didn't hold back in telling him that the problem mainly came from his heart. He advised him to cut back on smoking and exercise less, especially warning him to stop his long-standing habit of skipping up and down stairs.

There was no prohibition as to billiards, however, or leisurely walking, and we played pretty steadily through those peaceful summer days, and often took a walk down into the meadows or perhaps in the other direction, when it was not too warm or windy. Once we went as far as the river, and I showed him a part of his land he had not seen before—a beautiful cedar hillside, remote and secluded, a place of enchantment. On the way I pointed out a little corner of land which earlier he had given me to straighten our division line. I told him I was going to build a study on it, and call it “Markland.” He thought it an admirable building-site, and I think he was pleased with the name. Later he said:

There was no ban on billiards or casual walks, so we played regularly during those calm summer days and often took strolls into the meadows or sometimes the other way, as long as it wasn't too hot or windy. Once, we walked all the way to the river, and I showed him a part of his land he hadn’t seen before—a stunning cedar hillside, quiet and isolated, a truly magical spot. Along the way, I pointed out a little piece of land he had previously given me to fix our boundary line. I mentioned I was planning to build a study there and name it “Markland.” He thought it was a great spot for a building, and I could tell he liked the name. Later he said:

“If you had a place for that extra billiard-table of mine [the Rogers table, which had been left in New York] I would turn it over to you.”

“If you had a spot for my extra billiard table [the Rogers table, which was left in New York], I would give it to you.”

I replied that I could adapt the size of my proposed study to fit a billiard-table, and he said:

I replied that I could adjust the size of my proposed study to fit a billiard table, and he said:

“Now that will be very good. Then, when I want exercise, I can walk down and play billiards with you, and when you want exercise you can walk up and play billiards with me. You must build that study.”

"That sounds great. So, when I want to get some exercise, I can come down and play billiards with you, and when you want to exercise, you can come up and play billiards with me. You should definitely build that study."

So it was we planned, and by and by Mr. Lounsbury had undertaken the work.

So we made our plans, and eventually Mr. Lounsbury took on the job.

During the walks Clemens rested a good deal. There were the New England hills to climb, and then he found that he tired easily, and that weariness sometimes brought on the pain. As I remember now, I think how bravely he bore it. It must have been a deadly, sickening, numbing pain, for I have seen it crumple him, and his face become colorless while his hand dug at his breast; but he never complained, he never bewailed, and at billiards he would persist in going on and playing in his turn, even while he was bowed with the anguish of the attack.

During the walks, Clemens took a lot of breaks. There were the New England hills to climb, and he noticed that he got tired easily, and that fatigue sometimes triggered the pain. Looking back now, I think about how bravely he handled it. It must have been an excruciating, nauseating, numbing pain, because I witnessed it bring him down, his face losing color while his hand pressed against his chest; yet he never complained, never mourned, and during billiards, he insisted on continuing to play his turn, even while he was hunched over in pain from the attack.

We had found that a glass of very hot water relieved it, and we kept always a thermos bottle or two filled and ready. At the first hint from him I would pour out a glass and another, and sometimes the relief came quickly; but there were times, and alas! they came oftener, when that deadly gripping did not soon release him. Yet there would come a week or a fortnight when he was apparently perfectly well, and at such times we dismissed the thought of any heart malady, and attributed the whole trouble to acute indigestion, from which he had always suffered more or less.

We discovered that a glass of very hot water helped, so we always kept one or two thermos bottles filled and ready. At the first sign from him, I would pour out a glass and then another, and sometimes relief came quickly; but there were times, unfortunately, when that awful gripping pain didn’t let up soon. Still, there would be weeks or even a fortnight when he seemed perfectly fine, and during those times, we brushed off any concerns about a heart issue and blamed the whole problem on severe indigestion, which he had always experienced to some extent.

We were alone together most of the time. He did not appear to care for company that summer. Clara Clemens had a concert tour in prospect, and her father, eager for her success, encouraged her to devote a large part of her time to study. For Jean, who was in love with every form of outdoor and animal life, he had established headquarters in a vacant farm-house on one corner of the estate, where she had collected some stock and poultry, and was over-flowingly happy. Ossip Gabrilowitsch was a guest in the house a good portion of the summer, but had been invalided through severe surgical operations, and for a long time rarely appeared, even at meal-times. So it came about that there could hardly have been a closer daily companionship than was ours during this the last year of Mark Twain's life. For me, of course, nothing can ever be like it again in this world. One is not likely to associate twice with a being from another star.

We spent most of our time alone together. He didn’t seem to want company that summer. Clara Clemens had a concert tour lined up, and her father, eager for her success, encouraged her to focus heavily on her studies. For Jean, who loved everything about nature and animals, he set up a base in an empty farmhouse on one corner of the estate, where she had gathered some livestock and poultry, making her incredibly happy. Ossip Gabrilowitsch was a guest at the house for much of the summer but had been recovering from serious surgeries and rarely showed up, even during meals. So it turned out that there was hardly a closer daily companionship than ours during this last year of Mark Twain's life. For me, of course, nothing will ever be the same again in this world. You don’t often connect with someone from another star.





CCLXXXII. PERSONAL MEMORANDA

In the notes I made of this period I caught a little drift of personality and utterance, and I do not know better how to preserve these things than to give them here as nearly as may be in the sequence and in the forth in which they were set down.

In the notes I took during this time, I captured a bit of personality and expression, and I don't know a better way to keep these moments than to present them here as closely as possible in the order and manner in which they were written.

One of the first of these entries occurs in June, when Clemens was rereading with great interest and relish Andrew D. White's Science and Theology, which he called a lovely book.—['A History of the Warfare of Science with Theology in Christendom'.]

One of the first entries happens in June, when Clemens was rereading with great interest and enjoyment Andrew D. White's Science and Theology, which he called a wonderful book.—['A History of the Warfare of Science with Theology in Christendom'.]

    June 21. A peaceful afternoon, and we walked farther than usual,
    resting at last in the shade of a tree in the lane that leads to
    Jean's farm-house. I picked a dandelion-ball, with some remark
    about its being one of the evidences of the intelligent principle in
    nature—the seeds winged for a wider distribution.

    “Yes,” he said, “those are the great evidences; no one who reasons
    can doubt them.”

    And presently he added:

    “That is a most amusing book of White's. When you read it you see
    how those old theologians never reasoned at all. White tells of an
    old bishop who figured out that God created the world in an instant
    on a certain day in October exactly so many years before Christ, and
    proved it. And I knew a preacher myself once who declared that the
    fossils in the rocks proved nothing as to the age of the world. He
    said that God could create the rocks with those fossils in them for
    ornaments if He wanted to. Why, it takes twenty years to build a
    little island in the Mississippi River, and that man actually
    believed that God created the whole world and all that's in it in
    six days. White tells of another bishop who gave two new reasons
    for thunder; one being that God wanted to show the world His power,
    and another that He wished to frighten sinners to repent. Now
    consider the proportions of that conception, even in the pettiest
    way you can think of it. Consider the idea of God thinking of all
    that. Consider the President of the United States wanting to
    impress the flies and fleas and mosquitoes, getting up on the dome
    of the Capitol and beating a bass-drum and setting off red fire.”
 
    June 21. It was a calm afternoon, and we walked further than usual, finally resting in the shade of a tree along the path to Jean's farmhouse. I picked a dandelion puff and commented on how it's one of the signs of intelligence in nature—the seeds designed for better spread.

    “Yeah,” he replied, “those are the clear signs; anyone who thinks logically can't deny them.”

    Then he added:

    “That book by White is really entertaining. When you read it, you see how those old theologians didn’t reason at all. White talks about an old bishop who calculated that God created the world in an instant on a specific day in October, exactly so many years before Christ, and even proved it. I once knew a preacher who insisted that the fossils in the rocks didn’t prove anything about the world's age. He claimed God could create rocks with those fossils as decoration if He wanted. It takes twenty years to form a small island in the Mississippi River, and that guy genuinely believed that God made the entire world and everything in it in six days. White also mentions another bishop who proposed two new reasons for thunder: one was that God wanted to showcase His power to the world, and the other was to scare sinners into repenting. Just think about that mindset, even in the most trivial way you can imagine. Think about God considering all of that. It’s like picturing the President of the United States wanting to impress flies and fleas and mosquitoes by getting up on the Capitol dome, banging a bass drum, and setting off fireworks.”

He followed the theme a little further, then we made our way slowly back up the long hill, he holding to my arm, and resting here and there, but arriving at the house seemingly fresh and ready for billiards.

He continued with the topic for a bit longer, then we slowly made our way back up the long hill, him holding onto my arm and taking breaks now and then, but we arrived at the house looking fresh and ready for billiards.

    June 23. I came up this morning with a basket of strawberries. He
    was walking up and down, looking like an ancient Roman. He said:

    “Consider the case of Elsie Sigel—[Granddaughter of Gen. Franz
    Sigel. She was mysteriously murdered while engaged in settlement
    work among the Chinese.]—what a ghastly ending to any life!”

    Then turning upon me fiercely, he continued:

    “Anybody that knows anything knows that there was not a single life
    that was ever lived that was worth living. Not a single child ever
    begotten that the begetting of it was not a crime. Suppose a
    community of people to be living on the slope of a volcano, directly
    under the crater and in the path of lava-flow; that volcano has been
    breaking out right along for ages and is certain to break out again.
    They do not know when it will break out, but they know it will do
    it—that much can be counted on. Suppose those people go to a
    community in a far neighborhood and say, 'We'd like to change places
    with you. Come take our homes and let us have yours.' Those people
    would say, 'Never mind, we are not interested in your country. We
    know what has happened there, and what will happen again.' We don't
    care to live under the blow that is likely to fall at any moment;
    and yet every time we bring a child into the world we are bringing
    it to a country, to a community gathered under the crater of a
    volcano, knowing that sooner or later death will come, and that
    before death there will be catastrophes infinitely worse. Formerly
    it was much worse than now, for before the ministers abolished hell
    a man knew, when he was begetting a child, that he was begetting a
    soul that had only one chance in a hundred of escaping the eternal
    fires of damnation. He knew that in all probability that child
    would be brought to damnation—one of the ninety-nine black sheep.
    But since hell has been abolished death has become more welcome.
    I wrote a fairy story once. It was published somewhere. I don't
    remember just what it was now, but the substance of it was that a
    fairy gave a man the customary wishes. I was interested in seeing
    what he would take. First he chose wealth and went away with it,
    but it did not bring him happiness. Then he came back for the
    second selection, and chose fame, and that did not bring happiness
    either. Finally he went to the fairy and chose death, and the fairy
    said, in substance, 'If you hadn't been a fool you'd have chosen
    that in the first place.'

    “The papers called me a pessimist for writing that story.
    Pessimist—the man who isn't a pessimist is a d—-d fool.”
 
    June 23. I woke up this morning with a basket of strawberries. He was pacing back and forth, looking like an ancient Roman. He said:

    “Think about the case of Elsie Sigel—[Granddaughter of Gen. Franz Sigel. She was mysteriously murdered while working with the Chinese.]—what a horrific end to any life!”

    Then turning to me fiercely, he continued:

    “Anyone who knows anything knows that there’s no life ever lived that was worth living. Not a single child ever born that the act of bringing them into this world wasn’t a crime. Imagine a community living on the slope of a volcano, right under the crater and in the path of lava flow; that volcano has been erupting for ages and will definitely erupt again. They may not know when it will happen, but they know it will happen—that much is certain. Now, suppose those people go to another community far away and say, 'We’d like to trade places with you. Come take our homes and let us have yours.' Those people would say, 'No thanks, we’re not interested in your land. We know what has happened there and what will happen again.' We don’t want to live under the threat that could come crashing down at any moment; yet every time we bring a child into the world, we’re bringing them into a place, to a community sitting underneath a volcano, knowing that sooner or later death will come, and that before death, there will be disasters that are infinitely worse. It used to be much worse than it is now, because before ministers got rid of hell, a man knew that when he was having a child, he was bringing a soul into the world that had only one chance in a hundred of escaping eternal damnation. He knew that most likely that child would be damned—one of the ninety-nine black sheep. But since hell has been abolished, death has become more welcomed. I once wrote a fairy tale. It was published somewhere. I don’t remember the details now, but the gist of it was that a fairy granted a man the usual wishes. I was curious to see what he would choose. First, he chose wealth and left with it, but it didn’t bring him happiness. Then he returned for his second wish and chose fame, and that didn’t bring happiness either. Finally, he went back to the fairy and chose death, and the fairy said, in essence, 'If you hadn’t been a fool, you would have chosen that first.'

    “The newspapers called me a pessimist for writing that story. Pessimist—the person who isn’t a pessimist is a damned fool.”

But this was one of his savage humors, stirred by tragic circumstance. Under date of July 5th I find this happier entry:

But this was one of his wild moods, brought on by a tragic situation. Under the date of July 5th, I find this more cheerful entry:

    We have invented a new game, three-ball carom billiards, each player
    continuing until he has made five, counting the number of his shots
    as in golf, the one who finishes in the fewer shots wins. It is a
    game we play with almost exactly equal skill, and he is highly
    pleased with it. He said this afternoon:

    “I have never enjoyed billiards as I do now. I look forward to it
    every afternoon as my reward at the end of a good day's work.”—[His
    work at this time was an article on Marjorie Fleming, the “wonder
    child,” whose quaint writings and brief little life had been
    published to the world by Dr. John Brown. Clemens always adored the
    thought of Marjorie, and in this article one can see that she ranked
    almost next to Joan of Arc in his affections.]
    We’ve come up with a new game called three-ball carom billiards, where each player keeps going until they’ve made five, counting their shots like in golf. The player who finishes in the fewest shots wins. It’s a game we play with almost the same level of skill, and he really enjoys it. He said this afternoon:

    “I’ve never enjoyed billiards as much as I do now. I look forward to it every afternoon as my reward at the end of a good day’s work.” —[At this time, he was working on an article about Marjorie Fleming, the “wonder child,” whose charming writings and brief life were shared with the world by Dr. John Brown. Clemens always cherished the thought of Marjorie, and in this article, it’s clear that she was almost as dear to him as Joan of Arc.]

We went out in the loggia by and by and Clemens read aloud from a book which Professor Zubelin left here a few days ago—'The Religion of a Democrat'. Something in it must have suggested to Clemens his favorite science, for presently he said:

We eventually went out to the loggia, and Clemens read aloud from a book that Professor Zubelin had left here a few days ago—'The Religion of a Democrat.' Something in it must have reminded Clemens of his favorite subject, because he soon said:

    “I have been reading an old astronomy; it speaks of the perfect line
    of curvature of the earth in spite of mountains and abysses, and I
    have imagined a man three hundred thousand miles high picking up a
    ball like the earth and looking at it and holding it in his hand.
    It would be about like a billiard-ball to him, and he would turn it
    over in his hand and rub it with his thumb, and where he rubbed over
    the mountain ranges he might say, 'There seems to be some slight
    roughness here, but I can't detect it with my eye; it seems
    perfectly smooth to look at.' The Himalayas to him, the highest
    peak, would be one-sixty-thousandth of his height, or about the one-
    thousandth part of an inch as compared with the average man.”
 
“I’ve been reading an old astronomy book; it talks about the perfect curve of the earth despite mountains and valleys. I imagined a man three hundred thousand miles tall picking up a ball like the earth, examining it, and holding it in his hand. To him, it would be about the size of a billiard ball, and he would turn it over in his hand and rub it with his thumb. Where he rubbed over the mountain ranges, he might say, ‘There seems to be some slight roughness here, but I can’t see it; it looks perfectly smooth.’ The Himalayas to him, the highest peak, would be one sixtieth-thousandth of his height, or about one thousandth of an inch compared to the average person.”

I spoke of having somewhere read of some very tiny satellites, one as small, perhaps, as six miles in diameter, yet a genuine world.

I mentioned having read somewhere about some very small satellites, one possibly as tiny as six miles in diameter, yet it’s still a true world.

“Could a man live on a world so small as that?” I asked.

“Could a man really survive on a world this small?” I asked.

    “Oh yes,” he said. “The gravitation that holds it together would
    hold him on, and he would always seem upright, the same as here.
    His horizon would be smaller, but even if he were six feet tall he
    would only have one foot for each mile of that world's diameter, so
    you see he would be little enough, even for a world that he could
    walk around in half a day.”
 
    “Oh yes,” he said. “The gravity that keeps it together would keep him on it, and he would always look upright, just like here. His horizon would be smaller, but even if he were six feet tall, he would only have one foot for every mile of that world’s diameter, so you see he would be small enough, even for a world he could walk around in half a day.”

He talked astronomy a great deal—marvel astronomy. He had no real knowledge of the subject, and I had none of any kind, which made its ungraspable facts all the more thrilling. He was always thrown into a sort of ecstasy by the unthinkable distances of space—the supreme drama of the universe. The fact that Alpha Centauri was twenty-five trillions of miles away—two hundred and fifty thousand times the distance of our own remote sun, and that our solar system was traveling, as a whole, toward the bright star Vega, in the constellation of Lyra, at the rate of forty-four miles a second, yet would be thousands upon thousands of years reaching its destination, fairly enraptured him.

He talked a lot about astronomy—amazing astronomy. He didn’t really know much about the topic, and I didn’t know anything either, which made the mind-blowing facts even more exciting. He was always in a kind of ecstasy over the unimaginable distances of space—the ultimate drama of the universe. The fact that Alpha Centauri was twenty-five trillion miles away—two hundred and fifty thousand times the distance to our own distant sun—and that our solar system was moving towards the bright star Vega in the constellation Lyra at a speed of forty-four miles per second, yet would still take thousands upon thousands of years to get there, completely captivated him.

The astronomical light-year—that is to say, the distance which light travels in a year—was one of the things which he loved to contemplate; but he declared that no two authorities ever figured it alike, and that he was going to figure it for himself. I came in one morning, to find that he had covered several sheets of paper with almost interminable rows of ciphers, and with a result, to him at least, entirely satisfactory. I am quite certain that he was prouder of those figures and their enormous aggregate than if he had just completed an immortal tale; and when he added that the nearest fixed star—Alpha Centauri—was between four and five light-years distant from the earth, and that there was no possible way to think that distance in miles or even any calculable fraction of it, his glasses shone and his hair was roached up as with the stimulation of these stupendous facts.

The astronomical light-year, which is the distance light travels in a year, was one of the things he loved to think about; but he said no two experts ever calculated it the same way, and that he was going to figure it out for himself. I came in one morning to find he had covered several sheets of paper with endless rows of numbers, and a result that was, at least to him, completely satisfying. I’m sure he was prouder of those figures and their huge total than if he had just finished writing a memorable story; and when he added that the closest fixed star—Alpha Centauri—is about four to five light-years away from Earth, and that there's no way to comprehend that distance in miles or even any calculable fraction of it, his glasses sparkled and his hair stood on end with the excitement of these amazing facts.

By and by he said:

Eventually he said:

“I came in with Halley's comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.' Oh! I am looking forward to that.” And a little later he added:

“I came in with Halley's comet in 1835. It's coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It would be the biggest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's comet. The Almighty must be thinking: 'Here are these two unexplainable wonders; they arrived together, they should leave together.' Oh! I can't wait for that.” And a little later he added:

“I've got some kind of a heart disease, and Quintard won't tell me whether it is the kind that carries a man off in an instant or keeps him lingering along and suffering for twenty years or so. I was in hopes that Quintard would tell me that I was likely to drop dead any minute; but he didn't. He only told me that my blood-pressure was too strong. He didn't give me any schedule; but I expect to go with Halley's comet.”

“I have some sort of heart disease, and Quintard won’t tell me if it’s the kind that takes a person quickly or the one that makes you suffer for twenty years or more. I was hoping Quintard would say I might drop dead at any moment; but he didn’t. He only said my blood pressure was too high. He didn’t give me any timeline, but I expect to go out with Halley’s Comet.”

I seem to have omitted making any entries for a few days; but among his notes I find this entry, which seems to refer to some discussion of a favorite philosophy, and has a special interest of its own:

I seem to have forgotten to make any entries for a few days; but among his notes, I find this entry that appears to refer to a conversation about a favorite philosophy and has its own special significance:

    July 14, 1909. Yesterday's dispute resumed, I still maintaining
    that, whereas we can think, we generally don't do it. Don't do it,
    & don't have to do it: we are automatic machines which act
    unconsciously. From morning till sleeping-time, all day long. All
    day long our machinery is doing things from habit & instinct, &
    without requiring any help or attention from our poor little 7-by-9
    thinking apparatus. This reminded me of something: thirty years
    ago, in Hartford, the billiard-room was my study, & I wrote my
    letters there the first thing every morning. My table lay two
    points off the starboard bow of the billiard-table, & the door of
    exit and entrance bore northeast&-by-east-half-east from that
    position, consequently you could see the door across the length of
    the billiard-table, but you couldn't see the floor by the said
    table. I found I was always forgetting to ask intruders to carry my
    letters down-stairs for the mail, so I concluded to lay them on the
    floor by the door; then the intruder would have to walk over them, &
    that would indicate to him what they were there for. Did it? No,
    it didn't. He was a machine, & had habits. Habits take precedence
    of thought.

    Now consider this: a stamped & addressed letter lying on the floor
    —lying aggressively & conspicuously on the floor—is an unusual
    spectacle; so unusual a spectacle that you would think an intruder
    couldn't see it there without immediately divining that it was not
    there by accident, but had been deliberately placed there & for a
    definite purpose. Very well—it may surprise you to learn that that
    most simple & most natural & obvious thought would never occur to
    any intruder on this planet, whether he be fool, half-fool, or the
    most brilliant of thinkers. For he is always an automatic machine &
    has habits, & his habits will act before his thinking apparatus can
    get a chance to exert its powers. My scheme failed because every
    human being has the habit of picking up any apparently misplaced
    thing & placing it where it won't be stepped on.

    My first intruder was George. He went and came without saying
    anything. Presently I found the letters neatly piled up on the
    billiard-table. I was astonished. I put them on the floor again.
    The next intruder piled them on the billiard-table without a word.
    I was profoundly moved, profoundly interested. So I set the trap
    again. Also again, & again, & yet again—all day long. I caught
    every member of the family, & every servant; also I caught the three
    finest intellects in the town. In every instance old, time-worn
    automatic habit got in its work so promptly that the thinking
    apparatus never got a chance.
    July 14, 1909. The argument from yesterday continues. I maintain that, although we can think, we usually don’t. We don’t think, and we don’t have to: we are like automatic machines that operate unconsciously. From morning until bedtime, all day long. Our system is functioning on autopilot, driven by habit and instinct, without needing any help or attention from our small 7-by-9 thinking device. This brings to mind something: thirty years ago, in Hartford, the billiard room was my office, and I wrote my letters there first thing every morning. My table was positioned slightly to the right of the billiard table, and the entrance and exit door were northeast and a bit to the east of that spot, so you could see the door across the length of the table, but you couldn’t see the floor near the table. I realized I was always forgetting to ask visitors to take my letters downstairs for mailing, so I decided to put them on the floor by the door; that way, anyone entering would have to step over them, indicating their purpose. Did that work? No, it didn’t. They were like machines, bound by their habits. Habits take precedence over thought.

    Now consider this: a stamped and addressed letter lying on the floor—aggressively and obviously positioned there—is an unusual sight; so unusual that you’d think a visitor wouldn’t be able to see it without immediately understanding it was placed there on purpose. Interestingly, it might surprise you to know that this simple and obvious thought never occurs to any visitor on this planet, whether they are a fool, half-wit, or a brilliant thinker. That's because they operate like automatic machines, stuck in their habits, and those habits take action before their thinking can kick in. My plan failed because every person has the instinct to pick up any misplaced item and put it where it won’t be tripped over.

    My first visitor was George. He came and went without saying anything. Soon, I found the letters neatly stacked on the billiard table. I was shocked. I put them back on the floor. The next visitor moved them back to the billiard table without a word. I was deeply intrigued. So, I set the trap again. Again, and again, and yet again—all day long. I caught every family member and every servant; I even got the three smartest people in town. In every case, their old, ingrained habits kicked in so quickly that their thinking never had a chance.

I do not remember this particular discussion, but I do distinctly recall being one of those whose intelligence was not sufficient to prevent my picking up the letter he had thrown on the floor in front of his bed, and being properly classified for doing it.

I don't remember this specific conversation, but I clearly recall being one of those whose intelligence wasn't enough to stop me from picking up the letter he had tossed on the floor in front of his bed, and getting properly labeled for doing it.

Clemens no longer kept note-books, as in an earlier time, but set down innumerable memoranda-comments, stray reminders, and the like—on small pads, and bunches of these tiny sheets accumulated on his table and about his room. I gathered up many of them then and afterward, and a few of these characteristic bits may be offered here.

Clemens stopped keeping notebooks like he used to, but he wrote countless notes, random reminders, and things like that on small pads. These little sheets piled up on his table and in his room. I collected many of them at the time and later, and a few of these distinctive pieces can be shared here.

                         KNEE
Knee

It is at our mother's knee that we acquire our noblest & truest & highest ideals, but there is seldom any money in them.

It is at our mother's knee that we gain our noblest, truest, and highest ideals, but there’s rarely any money in them.

                       JEHOVAH
GOD

He is all-good. He made man for hell or hell for man, one or the other—take your choice. He made it hard to get into heaven and easy to get into hell. He commended man to multiply & replenish-what? Hell.

He is completely good. He created man for hell or hell for man, it's your choice. He made it hard to get into heaven and easy to get into hell. He commanded man to multiply and fill—what? Hell.

                MODESTY ANTEDATES CLOTHES
Modesty predates clothing.

& will be resumed when clothes are no more. [The latter part of this aphorism is erased and underneath it he adds:]

& will continue when clothes no longer exist. [The latter part of this aphorism is crossed out, and beneath it he adds:]

                      MODESTY DIED
Modesty is dead

when clothes were born.

when clothes first appeared.

                      MODESTY DIED
when false modesty was born.

                       HISTORY
                      MODESTY DIED  
when fake modesty was born.  

                       HISTORY  

A historian who would convey the truth has got to lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it.

A historian who wants to tell the truth has to lie. Often, they need to stretch the truth significantly, or else their audience won't be able to grasp it.

                       MORALS
Ethics

are not the important thing—nor enlightenment—nor civilization. A man can do absolutely well without them, but he can't do without something to eat. The supremest thing is the needs of the body, not of the mind & spirit.

are not the important thing—nor enlightenment—nor civilization. A person can absolutely thrive without them, but they can't survive without something to eat. The most essential thing is the needs of the body, not of the mind & spirit.

                      SUGGESTION
Suggestion

There is conscious suggestion & there is unconscious suggestion—both come from outside—whence all ideas come.

There’s conscious suggestion and there’s unconscious suggestion—both come from outside—where all ideas originate.

                       DUELS
BATTLES

I think I could wipe out a dishonor by crippling the other man, but I don't see how I could do it by letting him cripple me.

I think I could erase a dishonor by taking out the other guy, but I don't see how I could do it by letting him take me down.

I have no feeling of animosity toward people who do not believe as I do; I merely do not respect 'em. In some serious matters (relig.) I would have them burnt.

I don't have any feelings of anger towards people who don't share my beliefs; I just don't respect them. In some serious matters (like religion), I would want them punished severely.

I am old now and once was a sinner. I often think of it with a kind of soft regret. I trust my days are numbered. I would not have that detail overlooked.

I’m old now, and I used to be a sinner. I often think about it with a sort of gentle regret. I believe my days are limited. I wouldn’t want that detail to be ignored.

She was always a girl, she was always young because her heart was young; & I was young because she lived in my heart & preserved its youth from decay.

She was always a girl, always young because her heart was young; & I was young because she lived in my heart & kept its youth from fading.

He often busied himself working out more extensively some of the ideas that came to him—moral ideas, he called them. One fancy which he followed in several forms (some of them not within the privilege of print) was that of an inquisitive little girl, Bessie, who pursues her mother with difficult questionings.—[Under Appendix w, at the end of this volume, the reader will find one of the “Bessie” dialogues.]—He read these aloud as he finished them, and it is certain that they lacked neither logic nor humor.

He often kept himself busy developing some of the ideas that came to him—moral ideas, as he referred to them. One concept he explored in various forms (some of which are not suitable for publication) was that of a curious little girl named Bessie, who follows her mother with tricky questions.—[Under Appendix w, at the end of this volume, the reader will find one of the “Bessie” dialogues.]—He read these aloud as he completed them, and it's clear that they were full of both logic and humor.

Sometimes he went to a big drawer in his dresser, where he kept his finished manuscripts, and took them out and looked over them, and read parts of them aloud, and talked of the plans he had had for them, and how one idea after another had been followed for a time and had failed to satisfy him in the end.

Sometimes he went to a big drawer in his dresser, where he kept his finished manuscripts, and took them out and looked over them, and read parts of them aloud, and talked about the plans he had for them, and how one idea after another had been followed for a time and had ended up not satisfying him.

Two fiction schemes that had always possessed him he had been unable to bring to any conclusion. Both of these have been mentioned in former chapters; one being the notion of a long period of dream-existence during a brief moment of sleep, and the other being the story of a mysterious visitant from another realm. He had experimented with each of these ideas in no less than three forms, and there was fine writing and dramatic narrative in all; but his literary architecture had somehow fallen short of his conception. “The Mysterious Stranger” in one of its forms I thought might be satisfactorily concluded, and he admitted that he could probably end it without much labor. He discussed something of his plans, and later I found the notes for its conclusion. But I suppose he was beyond the place where he could take up those old threads, though he contemplated, fondly enough, the possibility, and recalled how he had read at least one form of the dream tale to Howells, who had urged him to complete it.

Two story ideas that had always captivated him he had been unable to finish. Both of these have been mentioned in earlier chapters; one is the idea of a long dream life during a quick nap, and the other is the tale of a mysterious visitor from another world. He had tried each of these concepts in at least three ways, and there was great writing and dramatic storytelling in all; but his literary structure somehow fell short of his vision. I thought “The Mysterious Stranger” in one of its versions might be wrapped up satisfactorily, and he agreed that he could probably finish it without too much effort. He talked a bit about his plans, and later I found the notes for its ending. But I guess he was past the point of picking up those old threads, though he fondly considered the possibility and remembered how he had read at least one version of the dream tale to Howells, who had encouraged him to complete it.





CCLXXXIII. ASTRONOMY AND DREAMS

August 5, 1909. This morning I noticed on a chair a copy of Flaubert's Salammbo which I recently lent him. I asked if he liked it.

August 5, 1909. This morning I saw a copy of Flaubert's Salammbo on a chair that I had recently lent him. I asked if he enjoyed it.

“No,” he said, “I didn't like any of it.”

“No,” he said, “I didn’t like any of it.”

“But you read it?”

"But did you read it?"

“Yes, I read every line of it.”

“Yes, I read every line of it.”

“You admitted its literary art?”

"You acknowledged its literary art?"

“Well, it's like this: If I should go to the Chicago stockyards and they should kill a beef and cut it up and the blood should splash all over everything, and then they should take me to another pen and kill another beef and the blood should splash over everything again, and so on to pen after pen, I should care for it about as much as I do for that book.”

“Well, here’s the thing: If I went to the Chicago stockyards and they killed a cow and cut it up, splattering blood everywhere, and then took me to another pen to do the same thing, and then to another, and so on, I’d care about it just as much as I care about that book.”

“But those were bloody days, and you care very much for that period in history.”

“But those were crazy days, and you really care about that time in history.”

“Yes, that is so. But when I read Tacitus and know that I am reading history I can accept it as such and supply the imaginary details and enjoy it, but this thing is such a continuous procession of blood and slaughter and stench it worries me. It has great art—I can see that. That scene of the crucified lions and the death canon and the tent scene are marvelous, but I wouldn't read that book again without a salary.”

“Yes, that’s true. But when I read Tacitus and realize I’m reading history, I can take it for what it is, imagine the details, and enjoy it. However, this story feels like a constant stream of blood, slaughter, and stench, and it really bothers me. It has great art—I can see that. That scene with the crucified lions, the death cannon, and the tent scene are amazing, but I wouldn’t read that book again without getting paid.”

August 16. He is reading Suetonius, which he already knows by heart—so full of the cruelties and licentiousness of imperial Rome.

August 16. He is reading Suetonius, which he already knows by heart—so full of the brutalities and excesses of imperial Rome.

This afternoon he began talking about Claudius.

This afternoon, he started talking about Claudius.

“They called Claudius a lunatic,” he said, “but just see what nice fancies he had. He would go to the arena between times and have captives and wild beasts brought out and turned in together for his special enjoyment. Sometimes when there were no captives on hand he would say, 'Well, never mind; bring out a carpenter.' Carpentering around the arena wasn't a popular job in those days. He went visiting once to a province and thought it would be pleasant to see how they disposed of criminals and captives in their crude, old-fashioned way, but there was no executioner on hand. No matter; the Emperor of Rome was in no hurry—he would wait. So he sat down and stayed there until an executioner came.”

“They called Claudius crazy,” he said, “but just look at his interesting ideas. He would go to the arena during breaks and have captives and wild animals brought out and set loose together for his own amusement. Sometimes when there weren’t any captives available, he would say, 'Well, never mind; bring out a carpenter.' Being a carpenter in the arena wasn't a sought-after job back then. He once visited a province and thought it would be fun to see how they handled criminals and captives in their old-fashioned way, but there was no executioner around. No problem; the Emperor of Rome wasn’t in a rush—he could wait. So he sat down and stayed there until an executioner showed up.”

I said, “How do you account for the changed attitude toward these things? We are filled with pity to-day at the thought of torture and suffering.”

I said, “Why do you think our attitude toward these things has changed? Today, we feel pity at the thought of torture and suffering.”

“Ah! but that is because we have drifted that way and exercised the quality of compassion. Relax a muscle and it soon loses its vigor; relax that quality and in two generations—in one generation—we should be gloating over the spectacle of blood and torture just the same. Why, I read somewhere a letter written just before the Lisbon catastrophe in 1755 about a scene on the public square of Lisbon: A lot of stakes with the fagots piled for burning and heretics chained for burning. The square was crowded with men and women and children, and when those fires were lighted, and the heretics began to shriek and writhe, those men and women and children laughed so they were fairly beside themselves with the enjoyment of the scene. The Greeks don't seem to have done these things. I suppose that indicates earlier advancement in compassion.”

“Ah! but that’s because we’ve drifted that way and embraced the quality of compassion. If you relax a muscle, it quickly loses its strength; if we relax that quality, in two generations—in one generation—we could just as easily find ourselves reveling in the sight of blood and torture. I remember reading a letter written right before the Lisbon disaster in 1755 about a scene in Lisbon’s public square: lots of stakes with piles of firewood ready for burning and heretics chained for execution. The square was full of men, women, and children, and when those fires were lit and the heretics began to scream and writhe, those men, women, and children laughed so hard they were nearly losing it from the enjoyment of the spectacle. The Greeks don’t seem to have done these things. I suppose that shows an earlier development in compassion.”

Colonel Harvey and Mr. Duneka came up to spend the night. Mr. Clemens had one of his seizures during the evening. They come oftener and last longer. One last night continued for an hour and a half. I slept there.

Colonel Harvey and Mr. Duneka came over to spend the night. Mr. Clemens had one of his seizures during the evening. They happen more often and last longer. One last night went on for an hour and a half. I stayed there.

September 7. To-day news of the North Pole discovered by Peary. Five days ago the same discovery was reported by Cook. Clemens's comment: “It's the greatest joke of the ages.” But a moment later he referred to the stupendous fact of Arcturus being fifty thousand times as big as the sun.

September 7. Today, news came in that Peary discovered the North Pole. Five days ago, Cook reported the same discovery. Clemens's comment: “It's the greatest joke of the ages.” But a moment later, he mentioned the incredible fact that Arcturus is fifty thousand times bigger than the sun.

September 21. This morning he told me, with great glee, the dream he had had just before wakening. He said:

September 21. This morning he excitedly told me about the dream he had just before waking up. He said:

    “I was in an automobile going slowly, with 'a little girl beside me,
    and some uniformed person walking along by us. I said, 'I'll get
    out and walk, too'; but the officer replied, 'This is only one of
    the smallest of our fleet.'

    “Then I noticed that the automobile had no front, and there were two
    cannons mounted where the front should be. I noticed, too, that we
    were traveling very low, almost down on the ground. Presently we
    got to the bottom of a hill and started up another, and I found
    myself walking ahead of the 'mobile. I turned around to look for
    the little girl, and instead of her I found a kitten capering beside
    me, and when we reached the top of the hill we were looking out over
    a most barren and desolate waste of sand-heaps without a speck of
    vegetation anywhere, and the kitten said, 'This view beggars all
    admiration.' Then all at once we were in a great group of people
    and I undertook to repeat to them the kitten's remark, but when I
    tried to do it the words were so touching that I broke down and
    cried, and all the group cried, too, over the kitten's moving
    remark.”

    The joy with which he told this absurd sleep fancy made it supremely
    ridiculous and we laughed until tears really came.
“I was in a car moving slowly, with a little girl next to me and a uniformed person walking alongside us. I said, 'I'll get out and walk, too,' but the officer replied, 'This is just one of the small ones in our fleet.'

Then I noticed that the car had no front, and there were two cannons where the front should be. I also saw that we were traveling very low, almost on the ground. Soon we got to the bottom of a hill and started up another, and I found myself walking ahead of the vehicle. I turned around to look for the little girl, and instead of her, I found a kitten playing beside me. When we reached the top of the hill, we looked out over a barren and desolate expanse of sand heaps with no vegetation in sight, and the kitten said, 'This view is beyond amazing.' Suddenly, we were in a large group of people, and I tried to repeat the kitten's comment, but when I did, the words were so poignant that I broke down and cried, and the whole group cried too over the kitten's touching remark.”

The joy with which he recounted this absurd dream made it incredibly ridiculous, and we laughed until we actually cried.

One morning he said: “I was awake a good deal in the night, and I tried to think of interesting things. I got to working out geological periods, trying to think of some way to comprehend them, and then astronomical periods. Of course it's impossible, but I thought of a plan that seemed to mean something to me. I remembered that Neptune is two billion eight hundred million miles away. That, of course, is incomprehensible, but then there is the nearest fixed star with its twenty-five trillion miles—twenty-five trillion—or nearly a thousand times as far, and then I took this book and counted the lines on a page and I found that there was an average of thirty-two lines to the page and two hundred and forty pages, and I figured out that, counting the distance to Neptune as one line, there were still not enough lines in the book by nearly two thousand to reach the nearest fixed star, and somehow that gave me a sort of dim idea of the vastness of the distance and kind of a journey into space.”

One morning he said, “I was awake a lot during the night, and I tried to think of interesting things. I started working out geological periods, trying to find a way to understand them, and then astronomical periods. Of course, it's impossible, but I came up with a plan that somehow made sense to me. I remembered that Neptune is two billion eight hundred million miles away. That’s definitely beyond comprehension, but then there’s the nearest fixed star with its twenty-five trillion miles—twenty-five trillion—or nearly a thousand times farther. Then I took this book, counted the lines on a page, and found there were an average of thirty-two lines per page and two hundred and forty pages. I figured out that treating the distance to Neptune as one line, there still weren't nearly two thousand lines in the book to reach the nearest fixed star. Somehow, that gave me a dim idea of how vast the distance is and what a journey into space would involve.”

Later I figured out another method of comprehending a little of that great distance by estimating the existence of the human race at thirty thousand years (Lord Kelvin's figures) and the average generation to have been thirty-three years with a world population of 1,500,000,000 souls. I assumed the nearest fixed star to be the first station in Paradise and the first soul to have started thirty thousand years ago. Traveling at the rate of about thirty miles a second, it would just now be arriving in Alpha Centauri with all the rest of that buried multitude stringing out behind at an average distance of twenty miles apart.

Later, I figured out another way to grasp a bit of that vast distance by estimating the existence of humanity at thirty thousand years (Lord Kelvin's figures) and the average generation to be thirty-three years, with a world population of 1,500,000,000 people. I assumed the nearest fixed star to be the first station in Paradise and that the first soul started the journey thirty thousand years ago. Traveling at about thirty miles per second, it would just be arriving in Alpha Centauri now, with all the rest of that buried multitude trailing behind at an average distance of twenty miles apart.

Few things gave him more pleasure than the contemplation of such figures as these. We made occasional business trips to New York, and during one of them visited the Museum of Natural History to look at the brontosaur and the meteorites and the astronomical model in the entrance hall. To him these were the most fascinating things in the world. He contemplated the meteorites and the brontosaur, and lost himself in strange and marvelous imaginings concerning the far reaches of time and space whence they had come down to us.

Few things brought him more joy than thinking about figures like these. We took occasional business trips to New York, and during one of them, we went to the Museum of Natural History to see the brontosaurus, the meteorites, and the astronomical model in the entrance hall. To him, these were the most fascinating things in the world. He gazed at the meteorites and the brontosaurus, getting lost in strange and wonderful thoughts about the vast stretches of time and space from which they had arrived.

Mark Twain lived curiously apart from the actualities of life. Dwelling mainly among his philosophies and speculations, he observed vaguely, or minutely, what went on about him; but in either case the fact took a place, not in the actual world, but in a world within his consciousness, or subconsciousness, a place where facts were likely to assume new and altogether different relations from those they had borne in the physical occurrence. It not infrequently happened, therefore, when he recounted some incident, even the most recent, that history took on fresh and startling forms. More than once I have known him to relate an occurrence of the day before with a reality of circumstance that carried absolute conviction, when the details themselves were precisely reversed. If his attention were called to the discrepancy, his face would take on a blank look, as of one suddenly aroused from dreamland, to be followed by an almost childish interest in your revelation and ready acknowledgment of his mistake. I do not think such mistakes humiliated him; but they often surprised and, I think, amused him.

Mark Twain lived somewhat detached from the realities of life. Spending most of his time wrapped up in his own thoughts and theories, he observed what was happening around him either vaguely or in great detail; but in both cases, the incidents existed not in the real world but in a realm within his mind, or subconscious. In this space, facts often took on new and entirely different meanings from what they had in reality. It frequently happened, therefore, that when he shared a story, even one from just the day before, it would take on fresh and astonishing twists. I’ve seen him recount an event from the previous day with a sense of reality that felt completely convincing, only for the details to be completely reversed. If you pointed out the inconsistency, his expression would go blank, as if he had been jolted from a daydream, followed by a childlike curiosity about your observation and a quick acceptance of his error. I don’t think such blunders embarrassed him; instead, they often caught him off guard and, I believe, amused him.

Insubstantial and deceptive as was this inner world of his, to him it must have been much more real than the world of flitting physical shapes about him. He would fix you keenly with his attention, but you realized, at last, that he was placing you and seeing you not as a part of the material landscape, but as an item of his own inner world—a world in which philosophies and morals stood upright—a very good world indeed, but certainly a topsy-turvy world when viewed with the eye of mere literal scrutiny. And this was, mainly, of course, because the routine of life did not appeal to him. Even members of his household did not always stir his consciousness.

As insubstantial and deceptive as his inner world was, it must have felt much more real to him than the constantly moving physical shapes around him. He would focus intently on you, but eventually, you realized that he was perceiving you not as part of the material landscape, but as a figure in his own inner universe—a place where philosophies and morals stood tall—a very good world indeed, but certainly a bizarre one when looked at through the lens of straightforward reality. This was mainly because the routine of life didn’t resonate with him. Even the people in his household didn’t always register in his awareness.

He knew they were there; he could call them by name; he relied upon them; but his knowledge of them always suggested the knowledge that Mount Everest might have of the forests and caves and boulders upon its slopes, useful, perhaps, but hardly necessary to the giant's existence, and in no important matter a part of its greater life.

He knew they were around; he could name them; he counted on them; but his understanding of them always felt like the knowledge Mount Everest might have about the forests, caves, and boulders on its slopes—useful, maybe, but not essential to the giant's existence, and in no significant way a part of its larger life.





CCLXXXIV. A LIBRARY CONCERT

In a letter which Clemens wrote to Miss Wallace at this time, he tells of a concert given at Stormfield on September 21st for the benefit of the new Redding Library. Gabrilowitsch had so far recovered that he was up and about and able to play. David Bispham, the great barytone, always genial and generous, agreed to take part, and Clara Clemens, already accustomed to public singing, was to join in the program. The letter to Miss Wallace supplies the rest of the history.

In a letter that Clemens wrote to Miss Wallace at this time, he talks about a concert held at Stormfield on September 21st to support the new Redding Library. Gabrilowitsch had recovered enough to be up and about and able to play. David Bispham, the renowned baritone, always friendly and generous, agreed to participate, and Clara Clemens, already used to performing publicly, was set to join in the program. The letter to Miss Wallace provides the rest of the story.

    We had a grand time here yesterday. Concert in aid of the little
    library.

                     TEAM

              Gabrilowitsch, pianist.
              David Bispham, vocalist.
              Clara Clemens, ditto.
              Mark Twain, introduces of team.

    Detachments and squads and groups and singles came from everywhere
    —Danbury, New Haven, Norwalk, Redding, Redding Ridge, Ridgefield,
    and even from New York: some in 60-h.p. motor-cars, some in
    buggies and carriages, and a swarm of farmer-young-folk on foot
    from miles around—525 altogether.

    If we hadn't stopped the sale of tickets a day and a half before the
    performance we should have been swamped. We jammed 160 into the
    library (not quite all had seats), we filled the loggia, the dining-
    room, the hall, clear into the billiard-room, the stairs, and the
    brick-paved square outside the dining-room door.

    The artists were received with a great welcome, and it woke them up,
    and I tell you they performed to the Queen's taste! The program was
    an hour and three-quarters long and the encores added a half-hour to
    it. The enthusiasm of the house was hair-lifting. They all stayed
    an hour after the close to shake hands and congratulate.

    We had no dollar seats except in the library, but we accumulated
    $372 for the Building Fund. We had tea at half past six for a
    dozen—the Hawthornes, Jeannette Gilder, and her niece, etc.; and
    after 8-o'clock dinner we had a private concert and a ball in the
    bare-stripped library until 10; nobody present but the team and Mr.
    and Mrs. Paine and Jean and her dog. And me. Bispham did “Danny
    Deever” and the “Erlkonig” in his majestic, great organ-tones and
    artillery, and Gabrilowitsch played the accompaniments as they were
    never played before, I do suppose.
    We had an amazing time here yesterday. Concert to support the little library.

                     TEAM

              Gabrilowitsch, pianist.
              David Bispham, vocalist.
              Clara Clemens, also a vocalist.
              Mark Twain, introduces the team.

    Groups and individuals came from everywhere—Danbury, New Haven, Norwalk, Redding, Redding Ridge, Ridgefield, and even New York: some in 60-h.p. cars, some in buggies and carriages, and a bunch of young farmers on foot from miles around—525 in total.

    If we hadn't stopped ticket sales a day and a half before the show, we would have been overwhelmed. We squeezed 160 people into the library (not everyone had a seat), we filled the loggia, the dining room, the hall, all the way into the billiard room, the stairs, and the brick-paved area outside the dining room door.

    The artists received a warm welcome, which energized them, and I can tell you they performed to perfection! The program lasted an hour and three-quarters, and the encores added another half-hour. The audience's enthusiasm was incredible. They all stayed an hour after the show to shake hands and congratulate.

    We didn’t have any expensive seats except in the library, but we raised $372 for the Building Fund. We had tea at half past six for a dozen people—the Hawthornes, Jeannette Gilder and her niece, etc.; and after dinner at 8 o'clock, we had a private concert and a dance in the stripped-down library until 10; only the team, Mr. and Mrs. Paine, Jean and her dog. And me. Bispham performed “Danny Deever” and “Erlkonig” with his impressive, powerful voice, and Gabrilowitsch played the accompaniments like never before, I suppose.

There is not much to add to that account. Clemens, introducing the performers, was the gay feature of the occasion. He spoke of the great reputation of Bispham and Gabrilowitsch; then he said:

There isn't much more to add to that account. Clemens, introducing the performers, was the lively highlight of the event. He talked about the impressive reputations of Bispham and Gabrilowitsch; then he said:

“My daughter is not as famous as these gentlemen, but she is ever so much better-looking.”

“My daughter isn't as famous as these guys, but she's a lot better-looking.”

The music of the evening that followed, with Gabrilowitsch at the piano and David Bispham to sing, was something not likely ever to be repeated. Bispham sang the “Erlkonig” and “Killiecrankie” and the “Grenadiers” and several other songs. He spoke of having sung Wagner's arrangement of the “Grenadiers” at the composer's home following his death, and how none of the family had heard it before.

The music of the evening that followed, with Gabrilowitsch at the piano and David Bispham singing, was something that probably will never happen again. Bispham sang "Erlkonig," "Killiecrankie," "The Grenadiers," and several other songs. He talked about having sung Wagner's arrangement of "The Grenadiers" at the composer's home after his death, sharing how none of the family had heard it before.

There followed dancing, and Jean Clemens, fine and handsome, apparently full of life and health, danced down that great living-room as care-free as if there was no shadow upon her life. And the evening was distinguished in another way, for before it ended Clara Clemens had promised Ossip Gabrilowitsch to become his wife.

There was dancing, and Jean Clemens, looking elegant and attractive, seemed full of energy and health as she danced through the spacious living room, completely carefree as if nothing was troubling her. The evening was memorable for another reason as well; before it concluded, Clara Clemens agreed to marry Ossip Gabrilowitsch.





CCLXXXV. A WEDDING AT STORMFIELD

The wedding of Ossip Gabrilowitsch and Clara Clemens was not delayed. Gabrilowitsch had signed for a concert tour in Europe, and unless the marriage took place forthwith it must be postponed many months. It followed, therefore, fifteen days after the engagement. They were busy days. Clemens, enormously excited and pleased over the prospect of the first wedding in his family, personally attended to the selection of those who were to have announcement-cards, employing a stenographer to make the list.

The wedding of Ossip Gabrilowitsch and Clara Clemens happened right on time. Gabrilowitsch had signed up for a concert tour in Europe, and if the marriage didn't happen quickly, it would have to be postponed for many months. So, it took place just fifteen days after their engagement. It was a hectic time. Clemens, extremely excited and happy about the first wedding in his family, personally handled the selection of people who would receive announcement cards, hiring a stenographer to create the list.

October 6th was a perfect wedding-day. It was one of those quiet, lovely fall days when the whole world seems at peace. Claude, the butler, with his usual skill in such matters, had decorated the great living-room with gay autumn foliage and flowers, brought in mainly from the woods and fields. They blended perfectly with the warm tones of the walls and furnishings, and I do not remember ever having seen a more beautiful room. Only relatives and a few of the nearest friends were invited to the ceremony. The Twichells came over a day ahead, for Twichell, who had assisted in the marriage rites between Samuel Clemens and Olivia Langdon, was to perform that ceremony for their daughter now. A fellow-student of the bride and groom when they had been pupils of Leschetizky, in Vienna—Miss Ethel Newcomb—was at the piano and played softly the Wedding March from “Taunhauser.” Jean Clemens was the only bridesmaid, and she was stately and classically beautiful, with a proud dignity in her office. Jervis Langdon, the bride's cousin and childhood playmate, acted as best man, and Clemens, of course, gave the bride away. By request he wore his scarlet Oxford gown over his snowy flannels, and was splendid beyond words. I do not write of the appearance of the bride and groom, for brides and grooms are always handsome and always happy, and certainly these were no exception. It was all so soon over, the feasting ended, and the principals whirling away into the future. I have a picture in my mind of them seated together in the automobile, with Richard Watson Gilder standing on the step for a last good-by, and before them a wide expanse of autumn foliage and distant hills. I remember Gilder's voice saying, when the car was on the turn, and they were waving back to us:

October 6th was an ideal wedding day. It was one of those quiet, beautiful fall days when everything seems peaceful. Claude, the butler, with his usual expertise, decorated the big living room with vibrant autumn leaves and flowers, mostly gathered from the woods and fields. They matched perfectly with the warm colors of the walls and furniture, and I can't recall ever seeing a more stunning room. Only family and a few close friends were invited to the ceremony. The Twichells arrived a day early because Twichell, who had assisted in the wedding of Samuel Clemens and Olivia Langdon, was set to officiate their daughter’s ceremony now. A fellow student of the bride and groom from their time at Leschetizky in Vienna, Miss Ethel Newcomb, played softly on the piano, performing the Wedding March from “Tannhäuser.” Jean Clemens was the only bridesmaid, and she was elegant and classically beautiful, exuding a proud dignity in her role. Jervis Langdon, the bride's cousin and childhood friend, served as the best man, and Clemens, of course, gave the bride away. By request, he donned his scarlet Oxford gown over his crisp white flannels, looking absolutely splendid. I won’t describe the bride and groom's appearance, as brides and grooms are always attractive and happy, and certainly, these two were no exception. It all wrapped up so quickly; the celebration came to an end, and the couple was off to their future. I picture them sitting together in the car, with Richard Watson Gilder standing on the step for one last goodbye, and before them lay a wide expanse of autumn trees and distant hills. I remember Gilder's voice saying, as the car turned and they waved back to us:

          “Over the hills and far away,
           Beyond the utmost purple rim,
           Beyond the night, beyond the day,
           Through all the world she followed him.”
 
          “Over the hills and miles away,  
           Beyond the furthest purple edge,  
           Past the night, past the day,  
           She followed him through all the world.”

The matter of the wedding had been kept from the newspapers until the eve of the wedding, when the Associated Press had been notified. A representative was there; but Clemens had characteristically interviewed himself on the subject, and it was only necessary to hand the reporter a typewritten copy. Replying to the question (put to himself), “Are you pleased with the marriage?” he answered:

The news about the wedding was kept out of the papers until the night before when the Associated Press was informed. A representative showed up, but Clemens had, as usual, done his own interviews and it was only needed to provide the reporter with a typed copy. When asked (by himself), “Are you happy with the marriage?” he answered:

    Yes, fully as much as any marriage could please me or any other
    father. There are two or three solemn things in life and a happy
    marriage is one of them, for the terrors of life are all to come.
    I am glad of this marriage, and Mrs. Clemens would be glad, for she
    always had a warm affection for Gabrilowitsch.
    Yes, as much as any marriage could make me or any other father happy. There are a couple of serious things in life, and a happy marriage is one of them, especially since the difficult times are ahead. I'm happy about this marriage, and Mrs. Clemens would be happy too because she always had a deep affection for Gabrilowitsch.

There was another wedding at Stormfield on the following afternoon—an imitation wedding. Little Joy came up with me, and wished she could stand in just the spot where she had seen the bride stand, and she expressed a wish that she could get married like that. Clemens said:

There was another wedding at Stormfield the next afternoon—an imitation wedding. Little Joy came with me and wished she could stand right where she had seen the bride stand, and she said she wanted to get married like that. Clemens said:

“Frankness is a jewel; only the young can afford it.”

“Being straightforward is a treasure; only young people can afford it.”

Then he happened to remember a ridiculous boy-doll—a white-haired creature with red coat and green trousers, a souvenir imitation of himself from one of the Rogerses' Christmas trees. He knew where it was, and he got it out. Then he said:

Then he suddenly remembered a silly boy-doll—a white-haired figure in a red coat and green pants, a souvenir version of himself from one of the Rogerses' Christmas trees. He knew where it was, so he took it out. Then he said:

“Now, Joy, we will have another wedding. This is Mr. Colonel Williams, and you are to become his wedded wife.”

“Now, Joy, we’re having another wedding. This is Mr. Colonel Williams, and you’re going to be his wife.”

So Joy stood up very gravely and Clemens performed the ceremony, and I gave the bride away, and Joy to him became Mrs. Colonel Williams thereafter, and entered happily into her new estate.

So Joy stood up seriously and Clemens led the ceremony, and I gave the bride away, and Joy became Mrs. Colonel Williams from then on, happily embracing her new life.





CCLXXXVI. AUTUMN DAYS

A harvest of letters followed the wedding: a general congratulatory expression, mingled with admiration, affection, and good-will. In his interview Clemens had referred to the pain in his breast; and many begged him to deny that there was anything serious the matter with him, urging him to try this relief or that, pathetically eager for his continued life and health. They cited the comfort he had brought to world-weary humanity and his unfailing stand for human justice as reasons why he should live. Such letters could not fail to cheer him.

A wave of letters came after the wedding: a general expression of congratulations, mixed with admiration, love, and goodwill. In his interview, Clemens had mentioned the pain in his chest, and many urged him to deny that anything serious was wrong, encouraging him to try this remedy or that, desperately wishing for his continued life and health. They pointed to the comfort he had given to tired humanity and his consistent commitment to human justice as reasons why he should stay alive. Such letters were sure to lift his spirits.

A letter of this period, from John Bigelow, gave him a pleasure of its own. Clemens had written Bigelow, apropos of some adverse expression on the tariff:

A letter from this time, written by John Bigelow, brought him a unique kind of joy. Clemens had reached out to Bigelow regarding some negative comments about the tariff:

    Thank you for any hard word you can say about the tariff. I guess
    the government that robs its own people earns the future it is
    preparing for itself.
    Thank you for any tough words you have about the tariff. I suppose the government that steals from its own citizens gets the future it is creating for itself.

Bigelow was just then declining an invitation to the annual dinner of the Chamber of Commerce. In sending his regrets he said:

Bigelow was currently turning down an invitation to the annual dinner of the Chamber of Commerce. In sending his regrets, he stated:

    The sentiment I would propose if I dared to be present would be the
    words of Mark Twain, the statesman:

    “The government that robs its own people earns the future it is
    preparing for itself.”
 
    The sentiment I would suggest if I were bold enough to be present would be the words of Mark Twain, the statesman:

    “The government that steals from its own people gets the future it is creating for itself.”

Now to Clemens himself he wrote:

Now he wrote to Clemens himself:

    Rochefoucault never said a cleverer thing, nor Dr. Franklin a wiser
    one.... Be careful, or the Demos will be running you for
    President when you are not on your guard.

    Yours more than ever,
                     JOHN BIGELOW.
    Rochefoucault never said anything cleverer, nor did Dr. Franklin say anything wiser.... Be careful, or the Demos will be campaigning for you to be President when you're not paying attention.

    Yours more than ever,
                     JOHN BIGELOW.

Among the tributes that came, was a sermon by the Rev. Fred Window Adams, of Schenectady, New York, with Mark Twain as its subject. Mr. Adams chose for his text, “Take Mark and bring him with thee; for he is profitable for the ministry,” and he placed the two Marks, St. Mark and Mark Twain, side by side as ministers to humanity, and characterized him as “a fearless knight of righteousness.” A few weeks later Mr. Adams himself came to Stormfield, and, like all open-minded ministers of the Gospel, he found that he could get on very well indeed with Mark Twain.

Among the tributes received was a sermon by Rev. Fred Window Adams from Schenectady, New York, focusing on Mark Twain. Mr. Adams selected the text, “Take Mark and bring him with thee; for he is profitable for the ministry,” and compared the two Marks, St. Mark and Mark Twain, as contributors to humanity, calling Twain “a fearless knight of righteousness.” A few weeks later, Mr. Adams visited Stormfield and, like all open-minded ministers of the Gospel, found that he got along very well with Mark Twain.

In spite of the good-will and the good wishes Clemens's malady did not improve. As the days grew chillier he found that he must remain closer indoors. The cold air seemed to bring on the pains, and they were gradually becoming more severe; then, too, he did not follow the doctor's orders in the matter of smoking, nor altogether as to exercise.

Despite the good intentions and hopes from those around him, Clemens's illness did not get better. As the days got colder, he realized he had to stay indoors more. The cold air seemed to worsen his pain, which was gradually becoming more intense. Additionally, he wasn't following the doctor's advice regarding smoking or exercising.

To Miss Wallace he wrote:

He wrote to Miss Wallace:

I can't walk, I can't drive, I'm not down-stairs much, and I don't see company, but I drink barrels of water to keep the pain quiet; I read, and read, and read, and smoke, and smoke, and smoke all the time (as formerly), and it's a contented and comfortable life.

I can't walk, I can't drive, I'm not downstairs much, and I don't have guests, but I drink tons of water to keep the pain at bay; I read, and read, and read, and smoke, and smoke, and smoke all the time (just like before), and it's a happy and cozy life.

But this was not altogether accurate as to details. He did come down-stairs many times daily, and he persisted in billiards regardless of the paroxysms. We found, too, that the seizures were induced by mental agitation. One night he read aloud to Jean and myself the first chapter of an article, “The Turning-Point in My Life,” which he was preparing for Harper's Bazar. He had begun it with one of his impossible burlesque fancies, and he felt our attitude of disappointment even before any word had been said. Suddenly he rose, and laying his hand on his breast said, “I must lie down,” and started toward the stair. I supported him to his room and hurriedly poured out the hot water. He drank it and dropped back on the bed.

But this wasn't completely accurate in terms of details. He did come downstairs several times a day, and he kept playing billiards despite the episodes. We also discovered that the seizures were triggered by mental stress. One night, he read aloud to Jean and me the first chapter of an article, “The Turning-Point in My Life,” that he was preparing for Harper's Bazar. He had started it with one of his absurd burlesque ideas, and he sensed our disappointment even before we said anything. Suddenly, he got up, placed his hand on his chest, said, “I need to lie down,” and headed for the stairs. I helped him to his room and quickly poured out the hot water. He drank it and collapsed back onto the bed.

“Don't speak to me,” he said; “don't make me talk.”

“Don't talk to me,” he said; “don't force me to speak.”

Jean came in, and we sat there several moments in silence. I think we both wondered if this might not be the end; but presently he spoke of his own accord, declaring he was better, and ready for billiards.

Jean walked in, and we sat there for a few moments in silence. I think we both wondered if this might be the end; but eventually he spoke up on his own, saying he was feeling better and ready for a game of billiards.

We played for at least an hour afterward, and he seemed no worse for the attack. It is a curious malady—that angina; even the doctors are acquainted with its manifestations, rather than its cause. Clemens's general habits of body and mind were probably not such as to delay its progress; furthermore, there had befallen him that year one of those misfortunes which his confiding nature peculiarly invited—a betrayal of trust by those in whom it had been boundlessly placed—and it seems likely that the resulting humiliation aggravated his complaint. The writing of a detailed history of this episode afforded him occupation and a certain amusement, but probably did not contribute to his health. One day he sent for his attorney, Mr. Charles T. Lark, and made some final revisions in his will.—[Mark Twain's estate, later appraised at something more than $600,000 was left in the hands of trustees for his daughters. The trustees were Edward E. Loomis, Jervis Langdon, and Zoheth S. Freeman. The direction of his literary affairs was left to his daughter Clara and the writer of this history.]

We played for at least an hour afterward, and he seemed fine after the attack. It’s a strange condition—angina; even doctors know what it looks like but not what causes it. Clemens’s overall habits, both physical and mental, likely didn’t help slow it down; plus, that year he experienced one of those misfortunes that his trusting nature often attracted—a betrayal of trust by those he had completely relied on—and it seems likely that the resulting embarrassment made his condition worse. Writing a detailed account of this experience kept him occupied and entertained, but it probably didn’t help his health. One day, he called for his attorney, Mr. Charles T. Lark, and made some final changes to his will.—[Mark Twain's estate, later valued at over $600,000, was entrusted to trustees for his daughters. The trustees were Edward E. Loomis, Jervis Langdon, and Zoheth S. Freeman. His literary affairs were managed by his daughter Clara and the writer of this history.]

To see him you would never have suspected that he was ill. He was in good flesh, and his movement was as airy and his eye as bright and his face as full of bloom as at any time during the period I had known him; also, he was as light-hearted and full of ideas and plans, and he was even gentler—having grown mellow with age and retirement, like good wine.

To see him, you would never have guessed that he was sick. He looked healthy, his movements were light, his eyes were bright, and his face was as youthful as ever. He was just as cheerful and full of ideas and plans, and he was even gentler—having become more relaxed with age and retirement, like fine wine.

And of course he would find amusement in his condition. He said:

And of course he found humor in his situation. He said:

“I have always pretended to be sick to escape visitors; now, for the first time, I have got a genuine excuse. It makes me feel so honest.”

"I've always faked being sick to avoid visitors; now, for the first time, I actually have a real excuse. It makes me feel so sincere."

And once, when Jean reported a caller in the livingroom, he said:

And one time, when Jean mentioned a visitor in the living room, he said:

“Jean, I can't see her. Tell her I am likely to drop dead any minute and it would be most embarrassing.”

“Jean, I can’t see her. Tell her I might drop dead any minute, and that would be really embarrassing.”

But he did see her, for it was a poet—Angela Morgan—and he read her poem, “God's Man,” aloud with great feeling, and later he sold it for her to Collier's Weekly.

But he did see her, because she was a poet—Angela Morgan—and he read her poem, “God's Man,” aloud with a lot of emotion, and later he sold it for her to Collier's Weekly.

He still had violent rages now and then, remembering some of the most notable of his mistakes; and once, after denouncing himself, rather inclusively, as an idiot, he said:

He still had violent outbursts from time to time, recalling some of his biggest mistakes; and once, after calling himself an idiot in a pretty broad way, he said:

“I wish to God the lightning would strike me; but I've wished that fifty thousand times and never got anything out of it yet. I have missed several good chances. Mrs. Clemens was afraid of lightning, and would never let me bare my head to the storm.”

“I wish to God lightning would just strike me; but I've wished for that fifty thousand times and never gotten anything from it. I've missed several good opportunities. Mrs. Clemens was afraid of lightning and never let me go outside without covering my head during the storm.”

The element of humor was never lacking, and the rages became less violent and less frequent.

The humor was always present, and the outbursts became less intense and less frequent.

I was at Stormfield steadily now, and there was a regular routine of afternoon sessions of billiards or reading, in which we were generally alone; for Jean, occupied with her farming and her secretary labors, seldom appeared except at meal-times. Occasionally she joined in the billiard games; but it was difficult learning and her interest was not great. She would have made a fine player, for she had a natural talent for games, as she had for languages, and she could have mastered the science of angles as she had mastered tennis and French and German and Italian. She had naturally a fine intellect, with many of her father's characteristics, and a tender heart that made every dumb creature her friend.

I was at Stormfield regularly now, and we had a routine of playing billiards or reading in the afternoons, usually alone. Jean, busy with her farming and secretarial work, rarely showed up except at mealtimes. Sometimes she would join the billiard games, but it was tough for her to pick up, and she wasn't very interested. She would have been an excellent player since she had a natural talent for games, just like she did for languages, and she could have mastered the angles in billiards as easily as she had tennis and French and German and Italian. She had a sharp intellect, reflecting many of her father's traits, and a kind heart that made her friends with every animal.

Katie Leary, who had been Jean's nurse, once told how, as a little child, Jean had not been particularly interested in a picture of the Lisbon earthquake, where the people were being swallowed up; but on looking at the next page, which showed a number of animals being overwhelmed, she had said:

Katie Leary, who had been Jean's nurse, once shared how, as a little kid, Jean wasn't really interested in a picture of the Lisbon earthquake, where people were being swallowed up; but when she looked at the next page, which showed a bunch of animals being overwhelmed, she said:

“Poor things!”

"Poor things!"

Katie said:

Katie said:

“Why, you didn't say that about the people!”

“Why, you didn't mention that about the people!”

But Jean answered:

But Jean replied:

“Oh, they could speak.”

“Oh, they can talk.”

One night at the dinner-table her father was saying how difficult it must be for a man who had led a busy life to give up the habit of work.

One night at the dinner table, her dad was saying how hard it must be for a man who had lived a busy life to stop working.

“That is why the Rogerses kill themselves,” he said. “They would rather kill themselves in the old treadmill than stop and try to kill time. They have forgotten how to rest. They know nothing but to keep on till they drop.”

"That’s why the Rogerses take their own lives," he said. "They'd rather end it all on the old treadmill than stop and try to pass the time. They've forgotten how to relax. They only know how to keep going until they collapse."

I told of something I had read not long before. It was about an aged lion that had broken loose from his cage at Coney Island. He had not offered to hurt any one; but after wandering about a little, rather aimlessly, he had come to a picket-fence, and a moment later began pacing up and down in front of it, just the length of his cage. They had come and led him back to his prison without trouble, and he had rushed eagerly into it. I noticed that Jean was listening anxiously, and when I finished she said:

I shared something I had read not long ago. It was about an old lion that had escaped from his cage at Coney Island. He didn't try to hurt anyone; after wandering around aimlessly for a bit, he ended up at a picket fence and then started pacing back and forth in front of it, just like he did in his cage. They came and brought him back to his enclosure without any issues, and he eagerly rushed back inside. I noticed that Jean was listening intently, and when I finished, she said:

“Is that a true story?”

"Is that a real story?"

She had forgotten altogether the point in illustration. She was concerned only with the poor old beast that had found no joy in his liberty.

She had completely lost track of the example. She was only worried about the poor old animal that had found no happiness in its freedom.

Among the letters that Clemens wrote just then was one to Miss Wallace, in which he described the glory of the fall colors as seen from his windows.

Among the letters that Clemens wrote at that time was one to Miss Wallace, in which he described the beauty of the fall colors as seen from his windows.

    The autumn splendors passed you by? What a pity! I wish you had
    been here. It was beyond words! It was heaven & hell & sunset &
    rainbows & the aurora all fused into one divine harmony, & you
    couldn't look at it and keep the tears back.

    Such a singing together, & such a whispering together, & such a
    snuggling together of cozy, soft colors, & such kissing & caressing,
    & such pretty blushing when the sun breaks out & catches those
    dainty weeds at it—you remember that weed-garden of mine?—& then
    —then the far hills sleeping in a dim blue trance—oh, hearing
    about it is nothing, you should be here to see it!
    Did you miss the amazing autumn colors? That's too bad! I really wish you had been here. It was indescribable! It was a mix of heaven and hell, sunset and rainbows, all blending into one beautiful harmony, and you couldn’t look at it without tearing up.

    So much harmony, so many whispered sounds, and such a comforting blend of soft colors, with kisses and gentle touches, and such lovely blushes when the sun breaks through and catches those delicate weeds in my garden—remember my weed garden?—and then—the distant hills resting in a soft blue haze—oh, just hearing about it doesn’t compare, you really should be here to see it!

In the same letter he refers to some work that he was writing for his own satisfaction—'Letters from the Earth'; said letters supposed to have been written by an immortal visitant and addressed to other immortals in some remote sphere.

In the same letter, he talks about some work he was writing for his own enjoyment—'Letters from the Earth'; those letters were meant to be written by an immortal visitor and addressed to other immortals in some distant realm.

    I'll read passages to you. This book will never be published
    —in fact it couldn't be, because it would be felony... Paine
    enjoys it, but Paine is going to be damned one of these days, I
    suppose.
    I'll read some sections to you. This book will never be published
    —in fact it can't be, because it would be a felony... Paine
    likes it, but I guess Paine is going to be in big trouble one of these days.

I very well remember his writing those 'Letters from the Earth'. He read them to me from time to time as he wrote them, and they were fairly overflowing with humor and philosophy and satire concerning the human race. The immortal visitor pointed out, one after another, the absurdities of mankind, his ridiculous conception of heaven, and his special conceit in believing that he was the Creator's pet—the particular form of life for which all the universe was created. Clemens allowed his exuberant fancy free rein, being under no restrictions as to the possibility of print or public offense. He enjoyed them himself, too, as he read them aloud, and we laughed ourselves weak over his bold imaginings.

I clearly remember him writing those 'Letters from the Earth.' He would read them to me occasionally as he worked on them, and they were full of humor, philosophy, and satire about the human race. The immortal visitor pointed out, one after another, the absurdities of humanity, its ridiculous views on heaven, and its special arrogance in thinking it was the Creator's favorite—the particular form of life for which the entire universe was made. Clemens let his wild imagination run free, having no limits on what could be printed or any fear of offending anyone. He enjoyed them himself as he read them aloud, and we laughed until we were weak from his daring ideas.

One admissible extract will carry something of the flavor of these chapters. It is where the celestial correspondent describes man's religion.

One acceptable excerpt will capture some of the essence of these chapters. It's where the heavenly correspondent talks about human religion.

    His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing,
    grotesque. I give you my word it has not a single feature in it
    that he actually values. It consists—utterly and entirely—of
    diversions which he cares next to nothing about here in the earth,
    yet he is quite sure he will like in heaven. Isn't it curious?
    Isn't it interesting? You must not think I am exaggerating, for it
    is not so. I will give you the details.

    Most, men do not sing, most men cannot sing, most men will not stay
    where others are singing if it be continued more than two hours.
    Note that.

    Only about two men in a hundred can play upon a musical instrument,
    and not four in a hundred have any wish to learn how. Set that
    down.

    Many men pray, not many of them like to do it. A few pray long, the
    others make a short-cut.

    More men go to church than want to.

    To forty-nine men in fifty the Sabbath day is a dreary, dreary bore.

    Further, all sane people detest noise.

    All people, sane or insane, like to have variety in their lives.
    Monotony quickly wearies them.

    Now then, you have the facts. You know what men don't enjoy. Well,
    they have invented a heaven, out of their own heads, all by
    themselves; guess what it is like? In fifteen hundred years you
    couldn't do it. They have left out the very things they care for
    most their dearest pleasures—and replaced them with prayer!

    In man's heaven everybody sings. There are no exceptions. The man
    who did not sing on earth sings there; the man who could not sing on
    earth sings there. Thus universal singing is not casual, not
    occasional, not relieved by intervals of quiet; it goes on all day
    long and every day during a stretch of twelve hours. And everybody
    stays where on earth the place would be empty in two hours. The
    singing is of hymns alone. Nay, it is one hymn alone. The words
    are always the same in number—they are only about a dozen—there is
    no rhyme—there is no poetry. “Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna unto the
    highest!” and a few such phrases constitute the whole service.

    Meantime, every person is playing on a harp! Consider the deafening
    hurricane of sound. Consider, further, it is a praise service—a
    service of compliment, flattery, adulation. Do you ask who it is
    that is willing to endure this strange compliment, this insane
    compliment, and who not only endures it but likes it, enjoys it,
    requires it, commands it? Hold your breath: It is God! This race's
    God I mean—their own pet invention.
    His heaven is like him: odd, fascinating, surprising, grotesque. I swear it doesn't have a single thing in it that he actually values. It's made up—completely and entirely—of distractions he doesn't care much about on earth, yet he’s convinced he’ll love them in heaven. Isn’t that weird? Isn’t that interesting? Don’t think I’m exaggerating, because I’m not. I’ll share the details.

    Most men don’t sing, most men can’t sing, and most men won’t stick around where others are singing if it goes on for more than two hours. Remember that.

    Only about two out of a hundred men can play a musical instrument, and not four out of a hundred have any interest in learning how. Keep that in mind.

    Many men pray, but not many of them enjoy doing it. A few pray for a long time, while others take shortcuts.

    More men go to church than really want to.

    For forty-nine out of fifty men, Sunday is a dull, tedious chore.

    Furthermore, all sane people hate noise.

    Everyone—sane or not—likes variety in their lives. Monotony quickly bores them.

    So, you have the facts. You understand what men don’t enjoy. Well, they’ve created a heaven in their own minds, all by themselves; guess what it’s like? You couldn’t do it in fifteen hundred years. They’ve left out the very things they cherish—those beloved pleasures—and replaced them with prayer!

    In man’s heaven, everyone sings. There are no exceptions. The person who didn’t sing on earth sings there; the person who couldn’t sing on earth sings there. So, singing is universal, not casual or occasional, and there are no breaks for quiet; it goes on all day long for twelve hours every single day. And everyone stays put, where on earth the place would be empty in two hours. The singing is only of hymns. In fact, it’s just one hymn. The number of words is always the same—it’s only about a dozen—there's no rhyme, no poetry. “Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna unto the highest!” and a few other phrases make up the entire service.

    Meanwhile, everyone is playing a harp! Consider the deafening storm of sound. Also, remember it’s a praise service—a service of compliments, flattery, and adulation. Do you want to know who’s willing to put up with this strange praise, this crazy praise, and who not only endures it but actually enjoys it, needs it, demands it? Hold your breath: It’s God! This race’s God, I mean—their own favorite creation.

Most of the ideas presented in this his last commentary on human absurdities were new only as to phrasing. He had exhausted the topic long ago, in one way or another; but it was one of the themes in which he never lost interest. Many subjects became stale to him at last; but the curious invention called man remained a novelty to him to the end.

Most of the ideas in his last commentary on human absurdities were just reworded versions of concepts he had already explored. He had covered the topic thoroughly long ago, in various ways; however, it was one of the themes that still piqued his interest. Many subjects eventually bored him, but the intriguing creation known as man remained a fresh topic for him until the very end.

From my note-book:

From my notebook:

    October 25. I am constantly amazed at his knowledge of history—all
    history—religious, political, military. He seems to have read
    everything in the world concerning Rome, France, and England
    particularly.

    Last night we stopped playing billiards while he reviewed, in the
    most vivid and picturesque phrasing, the reasons of Rome's decline.
    Such a presentation would have enthralled any audience—I could not
    help feeling a great pity that he had not devoted some of his public
    effort to work of that sort. No one could have equaled him at it.
    He concluded with some comments on the possibility of America
    following Rome's example, though he thought the vote of the people
    would always, or at least for a long period, prevent imperialism.

    November 1. To-day he has been absorbed in his old interest in
    shorthand. “It is the only rational alphabet,” he declared. “All
    this spelling reform is nonsense. What we need is alphabet reform,
    and shorthand is the thing. Take the letter M, for instance; it is
    made with one stroke in shorthand, while in longhand it requires at
    least three. The word Mephistopheles can be written in shorthand
    with one-sixth the number of strokes that is required in longhand.
    I tell you shorthand should be adopted as the alphabet.”

    I said: “There is this objection: the characters are so slightly
    different that each writer soon forms a system of his own and it is
    seldom that two can read each other's notes.”

    “You are talking of stenographic reporting,” he said, rather warmly.
    “Nothing of the kind is true in the case of the regular alphabet.
    It is perfectly clear and legible.”

    “Would you have it in the schools, then?”

    “Yes, it should be taught in the schools, not for stenographic
    purposes, but only for use in writing to save time.”

    He was very much in earnest, and said he had undertaken an article
    on the subject.

    November 3. He said he could not sleep last night, for thinking
    what a fool he had been in his various investments.

    “I have always been the victim of somebody,” he said, “and always an
    idiot myself, doing things that even a child would not do. Never
    asking anybody's advice—never taking it when it was offered. I
    can't see how anybody could do the things I have done and have kept
    right on doing.”
     I could see that the thought agitated him, and I suggested that we
    go to his room and read, which we did, and had a riotous time over
    the most recent chapters of the 'Letters from the Earth', and some
    notes he had made for future chapters on infant damnation and other
    distinctive features of orthodox creeds. He told an anecdote of an
    old minister who declared that Presbyterianism without infant
    damnation would be like the dog on the train that couldn't be
    identified because it had lost its tag.

    Somewhat on the defensive I said, “But we must admit that the so-
    called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive.”

    He answered, “Yes, but in spite of their religion, not because of
    it. The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the
    day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetics in
    child-birth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical
    curse pronounced against Eve. And every step in astronomy and
    geology ever taken has been opposed by bigotry and superstition.
    The Greeks surpassed us in artistic culture and in architecture five
    hundred years before the Christian religion was born.

    “I have been reading Gibbon's celebrated Fifteenth Chapter,” he said
    later, “and I don't see what Christians found against it. It is so
    mild—so gentle in its sarcasm.” He added that he had been reading
    also a little book of brief biographies and had found in it the
    saying of Darwin's father, “Unitarianism is a featherbed to catch
    falling Christians.”

    “I was glad to find and identify that saying,” he said; “it is so
    good.”

    He finished the evening by reading a chapter from Carlyle's French
    Revolution—a fine pyrotechnic passage—the gathering at Versailles.
    I said that Carlyle somehow reminded me of a fervid stump-speaker
    who pounded his fists and went at his audience fiercely, determined
    to convince them.

    “Yes,” he said, “but he is the best one that ever lived.”

    November 10. This morning early he heard me stirring and called. I
    went in and found him propped up with a book, as usual. He said:

    “I seldom read Christmas stories, but this is very beautiful. It
    has made me cry. I want you to read it.” (It was Booth
    Tarkington's 'Beasley's Christmas Party'.) “Tarkington has the true
    touch,” he said; “his work always satisfies me.” Another book he
    has been reading with great enjoyment is James Branch Cabell's
    Chivalry. He cannot say enough of the subtle poetic art with which
    Cabell has flung the light of romance about dark and sordid chapters
    of history.
    October 25. I'm always amazed by his knowledge of history—all of it—religious, political, military. He seems to have read everything there is about Rome, France, and England, especially.

    Last night, we paused our billiards game while he vividly and colorfully discussed the reasons for Rome's decline. His storytelling would have captivated any audience—I couldn't help but feel a deep pity that he hadn't channeled some of his public efforts into that kind of work. No one could have done it as well as he did. He wrapped up with thoughts on how America might follow in Rome's footsteps, although he believed that the people's votes would always, or at least for a long time, prevent imperialism.

    November 1. Today, he's been engrossed in his long-standing interest in shorthand. “It's the only rational alphabet,” he declared. “All this spelling reform is just silly. What we really need is alphabet reform, and shorthand is the answer. Take the letter M, for instance; it only takes one stroke in shorthand, while in longhand, it requires at least three. The word Mephistopheles can be written in shorthand with only one-sixth of the strokes needed in longhand. I'm telling you, shorthand should be the standard alphabet.”

    I replied, “There’s this problem: the characters are so similar that each writer usually develops their own system, and it's rare for two people to read each other’s notes.”

    “You’re thinking about stenographic reporting,” he said, a bit heated. “That’s not true for the standard alphabet. It's perfectly clear and readable.”

    “So would you want it taught in schools?” 

    “Yes, it should be taught in schools—but not for stenography, just to save time when writing.”

    He was very serious, saying he had started an article on the topic.

    November 3. He told me he couldn’t sleep last night because he was thinking about how foolish he had been with his investments.

    “I’ve always been a victim to others,” he said, “and always an idiot myself, doing things even a child wouldn’t do. Never asking for advice—never taking it when it was offered. I can’t understand how anyone could do the things I have done and just keep on doing them.” I could see this troubled him, so I suggested we go to his room and read, which we did, and had a blast with the latest chapters of 'Letters from the Earth' and some notes he made for future chapters on infant damnation and other unique aspects of orthodox beliefs. He shared a story about an old minister who claimed that Presbyterianism without infant damnation would be like a dog on a train that couldn’t be identified after losing its tag.

    A bit defensive, I said, “But we have to admit that the so-called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive.”

    He replied, “Yes, but in spite of their religion, not because of it. The Church has resisted every innovation and discovery from Galileo's time to now, when using anesthetics during childbirth was viewed as a sin because it bypassed the curse laid upon Eve. Every advance in astronomy and geology has been met with bigotry and superstition. The Greeks excelled in art and architecture five hundred years before Christianity appeared.

    “I've been reading Gibbon's famous Fifteenth Chapter,” he said later, “and I don’t understand what Christians found wrong with it. It's so mild—so gentle in its sarcasm.” He added that he had also come across a little book of brief biographies and found the quote from Darwin's father: “Unitarianism is a featherbed to catch falling Christians.”

    “I was glad to finally pinpoint that saying,” he remarked; “it's really good.”

    He wrapped up the evening by reading a chapter from Carlyle's French Revolution—a stunning, fiery passage—about the gathering at Versailles. I mentioned that Carlyle reminded me of an impassioned speaker who pounded his fists and fiercely engaged his audience, determined to persuade them.

    “Yes,” he said, “but he’s the best one who ever lived.”

    November 10. This morning, I heard him calling me while I was moving around. I went in to find him propped up with a book, as always. He said:

    “I hardly ever read Christmas stories, but this one is beautiful. It made me cry. I want you to read it.” (It was Booth Tarkington's 'Beasley's Christmas Party.') “Tarkington has the true touch,” he said; “his work always satisfies me.” Another book he’s been enjoying a lot is James Branch Cabell's Chivalry. He can't say enough about the subtle poetic artistry with which Cabell shines a light of romance on dark and grim chapters of history.




CCLXXVII. MARK TWAIN'S READING

Perhaps here one may speak of Mark Twain's reading in general. On the table by him, and on his bed, and in the billiard-room shelves he kept the books he read most. They were not many—not more than a dozen—but they were manifestly of familiar and frequent usage. All, or nearly all, had annotations—spontaneously uttered marginal notes, title prefatories, or concluding comments. They were the books he had read again and again, and it was seldom that he had not had something to say with each fresh reading.

Perhaps now we can talk about Mark Twain's reading habits in general. On the table next to him, on his bed, and in the billiard room shelves, he kept the books he read the most. There weren't many—not more than a dozen—but they were clearly well-used and well-loved. Almost all of them had notes—spontaneous comments written in the margins, introductory remarks, or final thoughts. These were the books he returned to time and time again, and he often had something to say with each new reading.

There were the three big volumes by Saint-Simon—'The Memoirs'—which he once told me he had read no less than twenty times. On the fly-leaf of the first volume he wrote—

There were three large volumes by Saint-Simon—'The Memoirs'—which he once told me he had read at least twenty times. On the flyleaf of the first volume, he wrote—

This, & Casanova & Pepys, set in parallel columns, could afford a good coup d'oeil of French & English high life of that epoch.

This, & Casanova & Pepys, set in parallel columns, could provide a good overview of French & English high society of that time.

All through those finely printed volumes are his commentaries, sometimes no more than a word, sometimes a filled, closely written margin. He found little to admire in the human nature of Saint-Simon's period—little to approve in Saint-Simon himself beyond his unrestrained frankness, which he admired without stint, and in one paragraph where the details of that early period are set down with startling fidelity he wrote: “Oh, incomparable Saint-Simon!”

All throughout those beautifully printed books are his commentaries, sometimes just a word, other times a densely written margin. He found little to appreciate in the human nature of Saint-Simon's time—little to like in Saint-Simon himself aside from his unfiltered honesty, which he admired greatly. In one paragraph where the details of that early period are described with astonishing accuracy, he wrote: “Oh, incomparable Saint-Simon!”

Saint-Simon is always frank, and Mark Twain was equally so. Where the former tells one of the unspeakable compulsions of Louis XIV., the latter has commented:

Saint-Simon is always straightforward, and Mark Twain was just as direct. While the former describes one of the unspeakable urges of Louis XIV., the latter has remarked:

We have to grant that God made this royal hog; we may also be permitted to believe that it was a crime to do so.

We have to admit that God created this royal hog; we might also be allowed to think that doing so was a crime.

And on another page:

And on another page:

In her memories of this period the Duchesse de St. Clair makes this striking remark: “Sometimes one could tell a gentleman, but it was only by his manner of using his fork.”

In her recollections of this time, the Duchesse de St. Clair makes this notable comment: “Sometimes you could identify a gentleman, but it was only by the way he used his fork.”

His comments on the orthodox religion of Saint-Simon's period are not marked by gentleness. Of the author's reference to the Edict of Nantes, which he says depopulated half of the realm, ruined its commerce, and “authorized torments and punishments by which so many innocent people of both sexes were killed by thousands,” Clemens writes:

His remarks about the traditional religion during Saint-Simon's time are quite harsh. Regarding the author's mention of the Edict of Nantes, which he claims depopulated half of the kingdom, destroyed its trade, and “allowed for tortures and punishments that led to the deaths of thousands of innocent people of both genders,” Clemens writes:

So much blood has been shed by the Church because of an omission from the Gospel: “Ye shall be indifferent as to what your neighbor's religion is.” Not merely tolerant of it, but indifferent to it. Divinity is claimed for many religions; but no religion is great enough or divine enough to add that new law to its code.

So much blood has been spilled by the Church because of a missing part in the Gospel: “You should be indifferent to what your neighbor's religion is.” Not just tolerant of it, but indifferent to it. Many religions claim divine status; however, no religion is significant or divine enough to incorporate that new principle into its teachings.

In the place where Saint-Simon describes the death of Monseigneur, son of the king, and the court hypocrites are wailing their extravagantly pretended sorrow, Clemens wrote:

In the part where Saint-Simon talks about the death of Monseigneur, the king's son, and the court fakes their over-the-top grief, Clemens wrote:

It is all so true, all so human. God made these animals. He must have noticed this scene; I wish I knew how it struck Him.

It’s all so true, all so human. God created these animals. He must have seen this scene; I wish I knew how it affected Him.

There were not many notes in the Suetonius, nor in the Carlyle Revolution, though these were among the volumes he read oftenest. Perhaps they expressed for him too completely and too richly their subject-matter to require anything at his hand. Here and there are marked passages and occasional cross-references to related history and circumstance.

There weren't many notes in Suetonius or the Carlyle Revolution, even though those were some of the books he read the most. Maybe they conveyed their topics so thoroughly and richly that he didn't feel the need to add anything. Here and there, he marked passages and made a few cross-references to related history and events.

There was not much room for comment on the narrow margins of the old copy of Pepys, which he had read steadily since the early seventies; but here and there a few crisp words, and the underscoring and marked passages are plentiful enough to convey his devotion to that quaint record which, perhaps next to Suetonius, was the book he read and quoted most.

There wasn’t much space for notes in the narrow margins of the old copy of Pepys, which he had read regularly since the early seventies; but here and there, a few sharp comments and plenty of underlining and highlighted passages clearly show his devotion to that unique record, which, maybe next to Suetonius, was the book he read and quoted the most.

Francis Parkman's Canadian Histories he had read periodically, especially the story of the Old Regime and of the Jesuits in North America. As late as January, 1908, he wrote on the title-page of the Old Regime:

Francis Parkman's Canadian Histories he had read from time to time, especially the story of the Old Regime and the Jesuits in North America. As late as January 1908, he wrote on the title page of the Old Regime:

Very interesting. It tells how people religiously and otherwise insane came over from France and colonized Canada.

Very interesting. It explains how people who were religiously devoted and also a bit crazy came over from France and settled in Canada.

He was not always complimentary to those who undertook to Christianize the Indians; but he did not fail to write his admiration of their courage—their very willingness to endure privation and even the fiendish savage tortures for the sake of their faith. “What manner of men are these?” he wrote, apropos of the account of Bressani, who had undergone the most devilish inflictions which savage ingenuity could devise, and yet returned maimed and disfigured the following spring to “dare again the knives and fiery brand of the Iroquois.” Clemens was likely to be on the side of the Indians, but hardly in their barbarism. In one place he wrote:

He wasn't always kind to those who tried to convert the Indians to Christianity, but he didn't hold back in expressing his admiration for their bravery—their willingness to endure hardship and even brutal torture for their beliefs. "What kind of men are these?" he wrote, referring to Bressani, who had suffered the most horrific torment imaginable and still returned maimed and disfigured the next spring to face the knives and flames of the Iroquois once more. Clemens was probably more sympathetic to the Indians, but definitely not to their savagery. At one point, he wrote:

    That men should be willing to leave their happy homes and endure
    what the missionaries endured in order to teach these Indians the
    road to hell would be rational, understandable, but why they should
    want to teach them a way to heaven is a thing which the mind somehow
    cannot grasp.
    That men would be willing to leave their happy homes and endure what the missionaries went through in order to teach these Indians the path to hell makes sense, but why they would want to teach them a way to heaven is something the mind just can't grasp.

Other histories, mainly English and French, showed how he had read them—read and digested every word and line. There were two volumes of Lecky, much worn; Andrew D. White's 'Science and Theology'—a chief interest for at least one summer—and among the collection a well-worn copy of 'Modern English Literature—Its Blemishes and Defects', by Henry H. Breen. On the title-page of this book Clemens had written:

Other histories, mostly English and French, showed how he had read them—read and absorbed every word and line. There were two volumes of Lecky, quite worn; Andrew D. White's 'Science and Theology'—a major interest for at least one summer—and among the collection, a well-used copy of 'Modern English Literature—Its Blemishes and Defects', by Henry H. Breen. On the title page of this book, Clemens had written:

    HARTFORD, 1876. Use with care, for it is a scarce book. England
    had to be ransacked in order to get it—or the bookseller speaketh
    falsely.
    HARTFORD, 1876. Handle with care, as this is a rare book. England had to be searched thoroughly to obtain it—or the bookseller is lying.

He once wrote a paper for the Saturday Morning Club, using for his text examples of slipshod English which Breen had noted.

He once wrote a paper for the Saturday Morning Club, using as his text examples of careless English that Breen had pointed out.

Clemens had a passion for biography, and especially for autobiography, diaries, letters, and such intimate human history. Greville's 'Journal of the Reigns of George IV. and William IV.' he had read much and annotated freely. Greville, while he admired Byron's talents, abhorred the poet's personality, and in one place condemns him as a vicious person and a debauchee. He adds:

Clemens was really into biographies, especially autobiographies, diaries, letters, and that kind of personal history. He had read a lot of Greville's 'Journal of the Reigns of George IV. and William IV.' and made plenty of notes in the margins. While Greville respected Byron's talent, he couldn't stand his character, and at one point, he calls him a corrupt person and a hedonist. He adds:

Then he despises pretenders and charlatans of all sorts, while he is himself a pretender, as all men are who assume a character which does not belong to them and affect to be something which they are all the time conscious they are not in reality.

Then he hates fakes and con artists of every kind, while he is himself a fake, just like everyone else who takes on a role that isn’t theirs and pretends to be something that they know they’re not in reality.

Clemens wrote on the margin:

Clemens wrote in the margin:

    But, dear sir, you are forgetting that what a man sees in the human
    race is merely himself in the deep and honest privacy of his own
    heart. Byron despised the race because he despised himself. I feel
    as Byron did, and for the same reason. Do you admire the race (&
    consequently yourself)?
But, dear sir, you are forgetting that what a person sees in humanity is just a reflection of themselves in the deep and honest privacy of their own heart. Byron hated humanity because he hated himself. I feel like Byron did, and for the same reason. Do you admire humanity (& therefore yourself)?

A little further along—where Greville laments that Byron can take no profit to himself from the sinful characters he depicts so faithfully, Clemens commented:

A little further along—where Greville complains that Byron can't gain anything from the sinful characters he portrays so accurately, Clemens commented:

    If Byron—if any man—draws 50 characters, they are all himself—50
    shades, 50 moods, of his own character. And when the man draws them
    well why do they stir my admiration? Because they are me—I
    recognize myself.
    If Byron—if any man—portrays 50 characters, they are all versions of himself—50 shades, 50 moods, of his own personality. And when the man portrays them well, why do they inspire my admiration? Because they are me—I see myself in them.

A volume of Plutarch was among the biographies that showed usage, and the Life of P. T. Barnum, Written by Himself. Two Years Before the Mast he loved, and never tired of. The more recent Memoirs of Andrew D. White and Moncure D. Conway both, I remember, gave him enjoyment, as did the Letters of Lowell. A volume of the Letters of Madame de Sevigne had some annotated margins which were not complimentary to the translator, or for that matter to Sevigne herself, whom he once designates as a “nauseating” person, many of whose letters had been uselessly translated, as well as poorly arranged for reading. But he would read any volume of letters or personal memoirs; none were too poor that had the throb of life in them, however slight.

A copy of Plutarch was among the biographies that showed wear, as well as The Life of P. T. Barnum, Written by Himself. He loved and never got tired of Two Years Before the Mast. I remember he enjoyed the more recent Memoirs of Andrew D. White and Moncure D. Conway, as well as the Letters of Lowell. A volume of Madame de Sevigne's Letters had some notes in the margins that weren’t very nice about the translator, or about Sevigne herself, whom he once called a “nauseating” person, pointing out that many of her letters were translated unnecessarily and poorly organized for reading. But he would read any book of letters or personal memoirs; none were too bad if they contained a spark of life, no matter how small.

Of such sort were the books that Mark Twain had loved best, and such were a few of his words concerning them. Some of them belong to his earlier reading, and among these is Darwin's 'Descent of Man', a book whose influence was always present, though I believe he did not read it any more in later years. In the days I knew him he read steadily not much besides Suetonius and Pepys and Carlyle. These and his simple astronomies and geologies and the Morte Arthure and the poems of Kipling were seldom far from his hand.

The books Mark Twain loved the most were like this, and here are a few of his thoughts about them. Some of these were from his early reading, including Darwin's 'Descent of Man', a book that always had an influence on him, even though I think he stopped reading it later on. During the time I knew him, he mostly read Suetonius, Pepys, and Carlyle. These, along with his basic astronomy and geology books, the Morte d'Arthur, and Kipling's poems, were usually close by.





CCLXXXVIII. A BERMUDA BIRTHDAY

It was the middle of November, 1909, when Clemens decided to take another Bermuda vacation, and it was the 19th that we sailed. I went to New York a day ahead and arranged matters, and on the evening of the 18th received the news that Richard Watson Gilder had suddenly died.

It was the middle of November, 1909, when Clemens decided to take another Bermuda vacation, and we set sail on the 19th. I went to New York a day early to sort everything out, and on the evening of the 18th, I got the news that Richard Watson Gilder had suddenly passed away.

Next morning there was other news. Clemens's old friend, William M. Laffan, of the Sun, had died while undergoing a surgical operation. I met Clemens at the train. He had already heard about Gilder; but he had not yet learned of Laffan's death. He said:

Next morning there was more news. Clemens's old friend, William M. Laffan, from the Sun, had died during surgery. I met Clemens at the train. He had already heard about Gilder, but he hadn't yet learned about Laffan's death. He said:

“That's just it. Gilder and Laffan get all the good things that come along and I never get anything.”

"That’s exactly the problem. Gilder and Laffan get all the good stuff that comes their way, and I never get anything."

Then, suddenly remembering, he added:

Then, suddenly recalling, he added:

“How curious it is! I have been thinking of Laffan coming down on the train, and mentally writing a letter to him on this Stetson-Eddy affair.”

“How strange it is! I’ve been thinking about Laffan coming down on the train and mentally drafting a letter to him about this Stetson-Eddy situation.”

I asked when he had begun thinking of Laffan.

I asked when he started thinking about Laffan.

He said: “Within the hour.”

He said, “In an hour.”

It was within the hour that I had received the news, and naturally in my mind had carried it instantly to him. Perhaps there was something telepathic in it.

It was within the hour that I got the news, and naturally, I immediately thought of him. Maybe it was something telepathic.

He was not at all ill going down to Bermuda, which was a fortunate thing, for the water was rough and I was quite disqualified. We did not even discuss astronomy, though there was what seemed most important news—the reported discovery of a new planet.

He felt completely fine going down to Bermuda, which was lucky because the water was choppy and I wasn't really up for it. We didn't even talk about astronomy, even though there was what seemed like really important news—the reported discovery of a new planet.

But there was plenty of talk on the subject as soon as we got settled in the Hamilton Hotel. It was windy and rainy out-of-doors, and we looked out on the drenched semi-tropical foliage with a great bamboo swaying and bending in the foreground, while he speculated on the vast distance that the new planet must lie from our sun, to which it was still a satellite. The report had said that it was probably four hundred billions of miles distant, and that on this far frontier of the solar system the sun could not appear to it larger than the blaze of a tallow candle. To us it was wholly incredible how, in that dim remoteness, it could still hold true to the central force and follow at a snail-pace, yet with unvarying exactitude, its stupendous orbit. Clemens said that heretofore Neptune, the planetary outpost of our system, had been called the tortoise of the skies, but that comparatively it was rapid in its motion, and had become a near neighbor. He was a good deal excited at first, having somehow the impression that this new planet traveled out beyond the nearest fixed star; but then he remembered that the distance to that first solar neighbor was estimated in trillions, not billions, and that our little system, even with its new additions, was a child's handbreadth on the plane of the sky. He had brought along a small book called The Pith of Astronomy—a fascinating little volume—and he read from it about the great tempest of fire in the sun, where the waves of flame roll up two thousand miles high, though the sun itself is such a tiny star in the deeps of the universe.

But there was a lot of conversation about the topic as soon as we settled in at the Hamilton Hotel. It was windy and rainy outside, and we looked out at the soaked semi-tropical plants, with a tall bamboo swaying and bending in the foreground, while he speculated about how far the new planet must be from our sun, which it still orbited. The report claimed it was probably four hundred billion miles away, and that at this distant edge of the solar system, the sun wouldn't appear any larger than the flame of a candle. It seemed completely unbelievable to us that, in that dim distance, it could still stick to the central force and follow its enormous orbit at a snail's pace, yet with unwavering precision. Clemens mentioned that until now Neptune, the furthest planet in our system, had been called the tortoise of the skies, but in comparison, it was actually fast and had become a close neighbor. He was quite excited at first, thinking that this new planet was beyond the nearest fixed star; but then he remembered that the distance to that first solar neighbor was measured in trillions, not billions, and that our little system, even with its new additions, was just a small speck on the vastness of the sky. He had brought a small book called The Pith of Astronomy—a fascinating little volume—and he read from it about the intense firestorms on the sun, where waves of flame can shoot up two thousand miles high, even though the sun itself is just a tiny star in the vast universe.

If I dwell unwarrantably on this phase of Mark Twain's character, it is because it was always so fascinating to me, and the contemplation of the drama of the skies always meant so much to him, and somehow always seemed akin to him in its proportions. He had been born under a flaming star, a wanderer of the skies. He was himself, to me, always a comet rushing through space, from mystery to mystery, regardless of sun and systems. It is not likely to rain long in Bermuda, and when the sun comes back it brings summer, whatever the season. Within a day after our arrival we were driving about those coral roads along the beaches, and by that marvelously variegated water. We went often to the south shore, especially to Devonshire Bay, where the reefs and the sea coloring seem more beautiful than elsewhere. Usually, when we reached the bay, we got out to walk along the indurated shore, stopping here and there to look out over the jeweled water liquid turquoise, emerald lapis-lazuli, jade, the imperial garment of the Lord.

If I focus unnecessarily on this part of Mark Twain's character, it's because it has always intrigued me. His awareness of the drama in the skies meant a lot to him and somehow felt connected to him in its grandeur. He was born under a fiery star, a traveler of the heavens. To me, he was like a comet speeding through the universe, moving from one mystery to another, unconcerned with the sun and star systems. It doesn't usually rain for long in Bermuda, and when the sun returns, it brings summer, no matter the season. Within a day of arriving, we were driving along those coral roads by the beaches, next to that stunningly colorful water. We often went to the south shore, especially to Devonshire Bay, where the reefs and sea colors seem more beautiful than anywhere else. Typically, when we got to the bay, we stepped out to stroll along the hardened shore, stopping occasionally to gaze out at the jeweled water: liquid turquoise, emerald, lapis-lazuli, jade—the royal robe of the Lord.

At first we went alone with only the colored driver, Clifford Trott, whose name Clemens could not recollect, though he was always attempting resemblances with ludicrous results. A little later Helen Allen, an early angel-fish member already mentioned, was with us and directed the drives, for she had been born on the island and knew every attractive locality, though, for that matter, it would be hard to find there a place that was not attractive.

At first, we went alone with just our colorful driver, Clifford Trott, whose name Clemens couldn't remember, even though he kept making amusing guesses. A little later, Helen Allen, an early member of the angel-fish group mentioned before, joined us and took charge of the drives because she was born on the island and knew every beautiful spot, although, to be honest, it would be tough to find a place there that wasn't beautiful.

Clemens, in fact, remained not many days regularly at the hotel. He kept a room and his wardrobe there; but he paid a visit to Bay House—the lovely and quiet home of Helen's parents—and prolonged it from day to day, and from week to week, because it was a quiet and peaceful place with affectionate attention and limitless welcome. Clifford Trott had orders to come with the carriage each afternoon, and we drove down to Bay House for Mark Twain and his playmate, and then went wandering at will among the labyrinth of blossom-bordered, perfectly kept roadways of a dainty paradise, that never, I believe, becomes quite a reality even to those who know it best.

Clemens didn't spend many days at the hotel. He had a room and his clothes there, but he often visited Bay House—the beautiful and serene home of Helen's parents—and extended his stay day by day, week by week, because it was a peaceful place filled with warm attention and endless hospitality. Clifford Trott was instructed to come with the carriage every afternoon, and we would drive down to Bay House for Mark Twain and his friend, then we would wander freely among the maze of flower-lined, perfectly maintained pathways of a charming paradise that, I believe, never fully becomes a reality even for those who know it best.

Clemens had an occasional paroxysm during these weeks, but they were not likely to be severe or protracted; and I have no doubt the peace of his surroundings, the remoteness from disturbing events, as well as the balmy temperature, all contributed to his improved condition.

Clemens had occasional outbursts during these weeks, but they were not likely to be serious or long-lasting; and I believe the calmness of his surroundings, the distance from troubling events, as well as the pleasant weather, all helped his recovery.

He talked pretty continuously during these drives, and he by no means restricted his subjects to juvenile matters. He discussed history and his favorite sciences and philosophies, and I am sure that his drift was rarely beyond the understanding of his young companion, for it was Mark Twain's gift to phrase his thought so that it commanded not only the respect of age, but the comprehension and the interest of youth. I remember that once he talked, during an afternoon's drive, on the French Revolution and the ridiculous episode of Anacharsis Cloots, “orator and advocate of the human race,” collecting the vast populace of France to swear allegiance to a king even then doomed to the block. The very name of Cloots suggested humor, and nothing could have been more delightful and graphic than the whole episode as he related it. Helen asked if he thought such a thing as that could ever happen in America.

He talked pretty continuously during these drives and didn't limit his topics to just kid stuff. He covered history, his favorite sciences, and philosophies, and I’m sure his points were rarely above the understanding of his young companion, because Mark Twain had a talent for expressing his thoughts in a way that captured not only the respect of older audiences but also the comprehension and interest of young people. I remember one afternoon when he talked about the French Revolution and the absurd story of Anacharsis Cloots, “orator and advocate of the human race,” rallying the huge crowd in France to pledge allegiance to a king who was already doomed to the guillotine. Just hearing the name Cloots was amusing, and nothing was more entertaining and vivid than the whole story as he told it. Helen asked if he thought something like that could ever happen in America.

“No,” he said, “the American sense of humor would have laughed it out of court in a week; and the Frenchman dreads ridicule, too, though he never seems to realize how ridiculous he is—the most ridiculous creature in the world.”

“No,” he said, “the American sense of humor would have laughed it out of court in a week; and the Frenchman dreads ridicule, too, though he never seems to realize how ridiculous he is—the most ridiculous person in the world.”

On the morning of his seventy-fourth birthday he was looking wonderfully well after a night of sound sleep, his face full of color and freshness, his eyes bright and keen and full of good-humor. I presented him with a pair of cuff-buttons silver-enameled with the Bermuda lily, and I thought he seemed pleased with them.

On the morning of his seventy-fourth birthday, he looked fantastic after a good night's sleep, his face vibrant and fresh, his eyes bright, alert, and full of good humor. I gave him a pair of silver-enameled cuff links featuring the Bermuda lily, and I thought he seemed happy with them.

It was rather gloomy outside, so we remained indoors by the fire and played cards, game after game of hearts, at which he excelled, and he was usually kept happy by winning. There were no visitors, and after dinner Helen asked him to read some of her favorite episodes from Tom Sawyer, so he read the whitewashing scene, Peter and the Pain-killer, and such chapters until tea-time. Then there was a birthday cake, and afterward cigars and talk and a quiet fireside evening.

It was pretty gloomy outside, so we stayed inside by the fire and played cards, game after game of hearts, a game he was really good at, and winning usually kept him happy. There were no visitors, and after dinner, Helen asked him to read some of her favorite parts from Tom Sawyer, so he read the whitewashing scene, Peter and the Pain-killer, and other chapters until tea-time. Then we had a birthday cake, and afterward, we enjoyed cigars, chatted, and had a relaxing evening by the fire.

Once, in the course of his talk, he forgot a word and denounced his poor memory:

Once, during his speech, he forgot a word and criticized his terrible memory:

“I'll forget the Lord's middle name some time,” he declared, “right in the midst of a storm, when I need all the help I can get.”

“I'll forget the Lord's middle name eventually,” he said, “right in the middle of a storm, when I need all the help I can get.”

Later he said:

Later he said:

“Nobody dreamed, seventy-four years ago to-day, that I would be in Bermuda now.” And I thought he meant a good deal more than the words conveyed.

“Nobody imagined, seventy-four years ago today, that I would be in Bermuda now.” And I thought he meant a lot more than the words suggested.

It was during this Bermuda visit that Mark Twain added the finishing paragraph to his article, “The Turning-Point in My Life,” which, at Howells's suggestion, he had been preparing for Harper's Bazar. It was a characteristic touch, and, as the last summary of his philosophy of human life, may be repeated here.

It was during this trip to Bermuda that Mark Twain added the final paragraph to his article, “The Turning-Point in My Life,” which, at Howells's suggestion, he had been working on for Harper's Bazar. It was a typical touch, and as the last summary of his views on human life, it can be repeated here.

    Necessarily the scene of the real turning-point of my life (and of
    yours) was the Garden of Eden. It was there that the first link was
    forged of the chain that was ultimately to lead to the emptying of
    me into the literary guild. Adam's temperament was the first
    command the Deity ever issued to a human being on this planet. And
    it was the only command Adam would never be able to disobey. It
    said, “Be weak, be water, be characterless, be cheaply persuadable.”
     The later command, to let the fruit alone, was certain to be
    disobeyed. Not by Adam himself, but by his temperament—which he
    did not create and had no authority over. For the temperament is
    the man; the thing tricked out with clothes and named Man is merely
    its Shadow, nothing more. The law of the tiger's temperament is,
    Thou shaft kill; the law of the sheep's temperament is, Thou shalt
    not kill. To issue later commands requiring the tiger to let the
    fat stranger alone, and requiring the sheep to imbrue its hands in
    the blood of the lion is not worth while, for those commands can't
    be obeyed. They would invite to violations of the law of
    temperament, which is supreme, and takes precedence of all other
    authorities. I cannot help feeling disappointed in Adam and Eve.
    That is, in their temperaments. Not in them, poor helpless young
    creatures—afflicted with temperaments made out of butter, which
    butter was commanded to get into contact with fire and be melted.
    What I cannot help wishing is, that Adam and Eve had been postponed,
    and Martin Luther and Joan of Arc put in their place—that splendid
    pair equipped with temperaments not made of butter, but of asbestos.
    By neither sugary persuasions nor by hell-fire could Satan have
    beguiled them to eat the apple.

    There would have been results! Indeed yes. The apple would be
    intact to-day; there would be no human race; there would be no you;
    there would be no me. And the old, old creation-dawn scheme of
    ultimately launching me into the literary guild would have been
    defeated.
    The major turning point of my life (and yours) was the Garden of Eden. It was there that the first link was created in the chain that would eventually lead to my entry into the literary world. Adam's temperament was the first command that God ever gave to a human being on this planet. And it was the only command Adam would never be able to disobey. It said, “Be weak, be flexible, have no character, be easily swayed.” The later command, to avoid the fruit, was bound to be disobeyed. Not by Adam himself, but by his temperament—which he didn’t create and had no control over. Because temperament defines the person; the body dressed and called Man is merely its Shadow, nothing more. The law of a tiger’s temperament is, You shall kill; the law of a sheep's temperament is, You shall not kill. It’s pointless to issue later commands telling the tiger to leave the fat stranger alone or telling the sheep to shed the blood of the lion, because those commands can't be followed. They would provoke violations of the supreme law of temperament, which takes priority over all other authorities. I can’t help but feel let down by Adam and Eve. That is, by their temperaments. Not by them, poor helpless beings—burdened with temperaments made of butter, which were commanded to get close to fire and melt. What I really wish is that Adam and Eve had been pushed aside, and Martin Luther and Joan of Arc had taken their place—what a remarkable pair, equipped with temperaments not made of butter, but of asbestos. Neither sweet temptations nor hellfire could have tricked them into eating the apple.

    There would have been consequences! Absolutely. The apple would still be intact today; there would be no human race; there would be no you; there would be no me. And the old creation plan to eventually launch me into the literary world would have been thwarted.




CCLXXXIX. THE DEATH OF JEAN

He decided to go home for the holidays, and how fortunate it seems now that he did so! We sailed for America on the 18th of December, arriving the 21st. Jean was at the wharf to meet us, blue and shivering with the cold, for it was wretchedly bleak there, and I had the feeling that she should not have come.

He decided to go home for the holidays, and how lucky it seems now that he did! We flew to America on December 18th, arriving on the 21st. Jean was at the dock to greet us, cold and shivering from the chill, because it was painfully bleak there, and I felt like she shouldn’t have come.

She went directly, I think, to Stormfield, he following a day or two later. On the 23d I was lunching with Jean alone. She was full of interest in her Christmas preparations. She had a handsome tree set up in the loggia, and the packages were piled about it, with new ones constantly arriving. With her farm management, her housekeeping, her secretary work, and her Christmas preparations, it seemed to me that she had her hands overfull. Such a mental pressure could not be good for her. I suggested that for a time at least I might assume a part of her burden.

She went straight to Stormfield, and he followed a day or two later. On the 23rd, I had lunch with Jean alone. She was really excited about her Christmas preparations. She had a beautiful tree set up in the loggia, and there were packages piled around it, with new ones arriving all the time. Between her farm management, housekeeping, secretary work, and Christmas preparations, it seemed to me that she was overwhelmed. Such mental pressure couldn’t be good for her. I suggested that, at least for a while, I could take on part of her load.

I was to remain at my own home that night, and I think it was as I left Stormfield that I passed jean on the stair. She said, cheerfully, that she felt a little tired and was going up to lie down, so that she would be fresh for the evening. I did not go back, and I never saw her alive again.

I was supposed to stay at my own place that night, and I think it was when I was leaving Stormfield that I saw Jean on the stairs. She said, cheerfully, that she felt a bit tired and was going upstairs to rest so she would be ready for the evening. I didn't go back, and I never saw her alive again.

I was at breakfast next morning when word was brought in that one of the men from Stormfield was outside and wished to see me immediately. When I went out he said: “Miss Jean is dead. They have just found her in her bath-room. Mr. Clemens sent me to bring you.”

I was having breakfast the next morning when someone came in to tell me that one of the guys from Stormfield was outside and wanted to see me right away. When I went out, he said: “Miss Jean has passed away. They just found her in her bathroom. Mr. Clemens sent me to bring you.”

It was as incomprehensible as such things always are. I could not realize at all that Jean, so full of plans and industries and action less than a day before, had passed into that voiceless mystery which we call death.

It was as confusing as these things always are. I couldn't grasp at all that Jean, who had been so full of plans and energy less than a day before, had entered that silent mystery we call death.

Harry Iles drove me rapidly up the hill. As I entered Clemens's room he looked at me helplessly and said:

Harry Iles drove me quickly up the hill. As I walked into Clemens's room, he looked at me with desperation and said:

“Well, I suppose you have heard of this final disaster.”

“Well, I guess you’ve heard about this final disaster.”

He was not violent or broken down with grief. He had come to that place where, whatever the shock or the ill-turn of fortune, he could accept it, and even in that first moment of loss he realized that, for Jean at least, the fortune was not ill. Her malady had never been cured, and it had been one of his deepest dreads that he would leave her behind him. It was believed, at first; that Jean had drowned, and Dr. Smith tried methods of resuscitation; but then he found that it was simply a case of heart cessation caused by the cold shock of her bath.

He wasn’t violent or completely overwhelmed by grief. He had reached a point where, no matter the shock or bad luck, he could accept it, and even in that initial moment of loss, he understood that, at least for Jean, the situation wasn’t tragic. Her illness had never been cured, and he had always feared leaving her behind. At first, it was thought that Jean had drowned, and Dr. Smith attempted to revive her; but then he realized it was just a case of her heart stopping due to the shock of the cold water.

The Gabrilowitsches were by this time in Europe, and Clemens cabled them not to come. Later in the day he asked me if we would be willing to close our home for the winter and come to Stormfield. He said that he should probably go back to Bermuda before long; but that he wished to keep the house open so that it would be there for him to come to at any time that he might need it.

The Gabrilowitsches were in Europe by this time, and Clemens wired them not to come. Later that day, he asked me if we would consider closing our home for the winter and coming to Stormfield. He mentioned that he would likely return to Bermuda soon, but he wanted to keep the house open so that it would be available for him to use whenever he needed it.

We came, of course, for there was no thought among any of his friends but for his comfort and peace of mind. Jervis Langdon was summoned from Elmira, for Jean would lie there with the others.

We came, of course, because none of his friends had anything in mind but his comfort and peace of mind. Jervis Langdon was called from Elmira, as Jean would be there with the others.

In the loggia stood the half-trimmed Christmas tree, and all about lay the packages of gifts, and in Jean's room, on the chairs and upon her desk, were piled other packages. Nobody had been forgotten. For her father she had bought a handsome globe; he had always wanted one. Once when I went into his room he said:

In the loggia stood the partially decorated Christmas tree, and everywhere around were scattered gift packages. In Jean's room, more packages were stacked on the chairs and her desk. Nobody had been overlooked. For her dad, she had picked out a beautiful globe; he had always wanted one. Once, when I entered his room, he said:

“I have been looking in at Jean and envying her. I have never greatly envied any one but the dead. I always envy the dead.”

“I’ve been watching Jean and feeling envious of her. I’ve never really envied anyone much except for the dead. I always envy the dead.”

He told me how the night before they had dined together alone; how he had urged her to turn over a part of her work to me; how she had clung to every duty as if now, after all the years, she was determined to make up for lost time.

He told me how they had had dinner alone the night before; how he had encouraged her to hand over some of her work to me; how she had held on to every responsibility as if, after all these years, she was determined to make up for lost time.

While they were at dinner a telephone inquiry had come concerning his health, for the papers had reported him as returning from Bermuda in a critical condition. He had written this playful answer:

While they were having dinner, someone called to ask about his health because the papers had reported that he was coming back from Bermuda in a critical condition. He had written this joking response:

    MANAGER ASSOCIATED PRESS,
    New York.

    I hear the newspapers say I am dying. The charge is not true. I
    would not do such a thing at my time of life. I am behaving as good
    as I can.

    Merry Christmas to everybody!     MARK TWAIN.
    MANAGER ASSOCIATED PRESS,  
    New York.  
  
    I've heard the newspapers claim that I'm dying. That's not true. I wouldn’t do something like that at my age. I’m doing the best I can.  
  
    Merry Christmas to everyone!     MARK TWAIN.

Jean telephoned it for him to the press. It had been the last secretary service she had ever rendered.

Jean called the press for him. It was the last time she ever did a secretary service.

She had kissed his hand, he said, when they parted, for she had a severe cold and would not wish to impart it to him; then happily she had said good night, and he had not seen her again. The reciting of this was good to him, for it brought the comfort of tears.

She had kissed his hand, he said, when they said goodbye, because she had a bad cold and didn’t want to pass it to him; then, cheerfully, she had said goodnight, and he hadn’t seen her since. Telling this story felt good to him, as it brought the comfort of tears.

Later, when I went in again, he was writing:

Later, when I went in again, he was writing:

“I am setting it down,” he said—“everything. It is a relief to me to write it. It furnishes me an excuse for thinking.”

“I’m writing it all down,” he said—“everything. It feels good to get it out. It gives me a reason to think.”

He continued writing most of the day, and at intervals during the next day, and the next.

He kept writing for most of the day, and took breaks during the next day, and the day after that.

It was on Christmas Day that they went with Jean on her last journey. Katie Leary, her baby nurse, had dressed her in the dainty gown which she had worn for Clara's wedding, and they had pinned on it a pretty buckle which her father had brought her from Bermuda, and which she had not seen. No Greek statue was ever more classically beautiful than she was, lying there in the great living-room, which in its brief history had seen so much of the round of life.

It was on Christmas Day that they took Jean on her final journey. Katie Leary, her baby nurse, had dressed her in the delicate gown she wore for Clara's wedding, and they had pinned a lovely buckle on it that her father had brought from Bermuda, which she had never seen before. No Greek statue was ever as classically beautiful as she was, lying there in the big living room, which in its short history had witnessed so much of life's cycles.

They were to start with jean at about six o'clock, and a little before that time Clemens (he was unable to make the journey) asked me what had been her favorite music. I said that she seemed always to care most for the Schubert Impromptu.—[Op. 142, No. 2.]—Then he said:

They were going to start with Jean around six o'clock, and just before that time, Clemens (he couldn't make the trip) asked me what her favorite music was. I said she always seemed to like the Schubert Impromptu the most.—[Op. 142, No. 2.]—Then he said:

“Play it when they get ready to leave with her, and add the Intermezzo for Susy and the Largo for Mrs. Clemens. When I hear the music I shall know that they are starting. Tell them to set lanterns at the door, so I can look down and see them go.”

“Play it when they're about to leave with her, and include the Intermezzo for Susy and the Largo for Mrs. Clemens. When I hear the music, I'll know they're about to start. Tell them to place lanterns at the door, so I can look down and see them leave.”

So I sat at the organ and began playing as they lifted and bore her away. A soft, heavy snow was falling, and the gloom of those shortest days was closing in. There was not the least wind or noise, the whole world was muffled. The lanterns at the door threw their light out on the thickly falling flakes. I remained at the organ; but the little group at the door saw him come to the window above—the light on his white hair as he stood mournfully gazing down, watching Jean going away from him for the last time. I played steadily on as he had instructed, the Impromptu, the Intermezzo from “Cavalleria,” and Handel's Largo. When I had finished I went up and found him.

So I sat at the organ and started playing as they carried her away. A gentle, heavy snow was falling, and the darkness of those shortest days was settling in. There wasn't the slightest wind or sound; the entire world felt quiet. The lanterns at the door cast their light on the thickly falling snowflakes. I stayed at the organ, but the small group at the door saw him come to the window above—the light catching his gray hair as he stood there sadly looking down, watching Jean leave for the last time. I played steadily as he had asked, the Impromptu, the Intermezzo from “Cavalleria,” and Handel's Largo. After I finished, I went upstairs and found him.

“Poor little Jean,” he said; “but for her it is so good to go.”

“Poor little Jean,” he said; “but for her, it’s so good to go.”

In his own story of it he wrote:

In his own version of the story, he wrote:

    From my windows I saw the hearse and the carriages wind along the
    road and gradually grow vague and spectral in the falling snow, and
    presently disappear. Jean was gone out of my life, and would not
    come back any more. The cousin she had played with when they were
    babies together—he and her beloved old Katie—Were conducting her
    to her distant childhood home, where she will lie by her mother's
    side once more, in the company of Susy and Langdon.
    From my windows, I saw the hearse and the carriages make their way down the road, slowly becoming faint and ghostly in the falling snow, and eventually disappear. Jean was gone from my life and wouldn’t be coming back. The cousin she used to play with when they were kids—he and her beloved old Katie—were taking her to her childhood home, where she would lie next to her mother once more, alongside Susy and Langdon.

He did not come down to dinner, and when I went up afterward I found him curiously agitated. He said:

He didn’t come down for dinner, and when I went up afterward, I found him oddly restless. He said:

“For one who does not believe in spirits I have had a most peculiar experience. I went into the bath-room just now and closed the door. You know how warm it always is in there, and there are no draughts. All at once I felt a cold current of air about me. I thought the door must be open; but it was closed. I said, 'Jean, is this you trying to let me know you have found the others?' Then the cold air was gone.”

“For someone who doesn't believe in spirits, I've just had a really strange experience. I walked into the bathroom a moment ago and closed the door. You know how warm it usually is in there, and there are no drafts. Suddenly, I felt a rush of cold air around me. I thought the door might be open, but it was shut. I said, 'Jean, is that you trying to tell me you've found the others?' Then the cold air was gone.”

I saw that the incident had made a very great impression upon him; but I don't remember that he ever mentioned it afterward.

I noticed that the incident really affected him, but I don’t remember him ever bringing it up again.

Next day the storm had turned into a fearful blizzard; the whole hilltop was a raging, driving mass of white. He wrote most of the day, but stopped now and then to read some of the telegrams or letters of condolence which came flooding in. Sometimes he walked over to the window to look out on the furious tempest. Once, during the afternoon, he said:

Next day, the storm had turned into a terrifying blizzard; the whole hilltop was a wild, swirling mass of white. He wrote most of the day but paused now and then to read some of the condolence telegrams or letters that kept pouring in. Sometimes he walked over to the window to gaze at the furious storm. Once, in the afternoon, he said:

“Jean always so loved to see a storm like this, and just now at Elmira they are burying her.”

“Jean always loved watching a storm like this, and right now at Elmira, they are burying her.”

Later he read aloud some lines by Alfred Austin, which Mrs. Crane had sent him lines which he had remembered in the sorrow for Susy:

Later, he read aloud some lines by Alfred Austin that Mrs. Crane had sent him, lines he had remembered while grieving for Susy:

       When last came sorrow, around barn and byre
       Wind-careen snow, the year's white sepulchre, lay.
       “Come in,” I said, “and warm you by the fire”;
       And there she sits and never goes away.
       When sadness finally arrived, around the barn and the stable  
       Wind-blown snow, the year's white grave, lay.  
       “Come in,” I said, “and warm yourself by the fire”;  
       And there she sits and never leaves.  

It was that evening that he came into the room where Mrs. Paine and I sat by the fire, bringing his manuscript.

It was that evening when he entered the room where Mrs. Paine and I were sitting by the fire, carrying his manuscript.

“I have finished my story of Jean's death,” he said. “It is the end of my autobiography. I shall never write any more. I can't judge it myself at all. One of you read it aloud to the other, and let me know what you think of it. If it is worthy, perhaps some day it may be published.”

“I've finished my story about Jean's death,” he said. “It's the end of my autobiography. I won't write any more. I can't judge it myself at all. One of you read it aloud to the other, and let me know what you think. If it’s good enough, maybe someday it’ll get published.”

It was, in fact, one of the most exquisite and tender pieces of writing in the language. He had ended his literary labors with that perfect thing which so marvelously speaks the loftiness and tenderness of his soul. It was thoroughly in keeping with his entire career that he should, with this rare dramatic touch, bring it to a close. A paragraph which he omitted may be printed now:

It was actually one of the most beautiful and heartfelt pieces of writing in the language. He had wrapped up his literary work with that perfect piece that brilliantly expresses the depth and sensitivity of his soul. It was completely in line with his whole career that he would, with this unique dramatic flair, conclude it this way. A paragraph that he left out can be printed now:

    December 27. Did I know jean's value? No, I only thought I did.
    I knew a ten-thousandth fraction of it, that was all. It is always
    so, with us, it has always been so. We are like the poor ignorant
    private soldier-dead, now, four hundred years—who picked up the
    great Sancy diamond on the field of the lost battle and sold it for
    a franc. Later he knew what he had done.

    Shall I ever be cheerful again, happy again? Yes. And soon. For
    I know my temperament. And I know that the temperament is master of
    the man, and that he is its fettered and helpless slave and must in
    all things do as it commands. A man's temperament is born in him,
    and no circumstances can ever change it.

    My temperament has never allowed my spirits to remain depressed long
    at a time.

    That was a feature of Jean's temperament, too. She inherited it
    from me. I think she got the rest of it from her mother.
    December 27. Did I know Jean's worth? No, I just thought I did.  
    I understood a tiny fraction of it, that was all. It’s always like this with us, it always has been. We’re like that poor, clueless soldier—now dead for four hundred years—who found the great Sancy diamond on the battlefield of a lost fight and sold it for a franc. Later, he realized what he had done.  

    Will I ever be cheerful again, happy again? Yes. And soon. Because I know my temperament. I understand that temperament controls a person, and that a person is its bound and helpless slave and must follow its commands in everything. A person’s temperament is ingrained, and no circumstance can change it.  

    My temperament has never let me stay down for long.  

    That was a trait of Jean's temperament too. She inherited it from me. I believe she got the rest from her mother.

Jean Clemens had two natural endowments: the gift of justice and a genuine passion for all nature. In a little paper found in her desk she had written:

Jean Clemens had two natural gifts: a strong sense of justice and a true love for all of nature. In a small note she found in her desk, she had written:

    I know a few people who love the country as I do, but not many.
    Most of my acquaintances are enthusiastic over the spring and summer
    months, but very few care much for it the year round. A few people
    are interested in the spring foliage and the development of the wild
    flowers—nearly all enjoy the autumn colors—while comparatively few
    pay much attention to the coming and going of the birds, the changes
    in their plumage and songs, the apparent springing into life on some
    warm April day of the chipmunks and woodchucks, the skurrying of
    baby rabbits, and again in the fall the equally sudden disappearance
    of some of the animals and the growing shyness of others. To me it
    is all as fascinating as a book—more so, since I have never lost
    interest in it.
I know a few people who love the countryside like I do, but not many. Most of my friends get excited about spring and summer, but very few appreciate it year-round. A handful are interested in the spring leaves and the growth of wildflowers—almost everyone enjoys the fall colors—while relatively few notice the arrival and departure of the birds, the changes in their feathers and songs, the sudden emergence of chipmunks and woodchucks on a warm April day, the scurrying of baby rabbits, and then in the fall, the equally sudden disappearance of some animals and the increasing shyness of others. To me, it’s all as captivating as a book—even more so, since I’ve never lost interest in it.

It is simple and frank, like Thoreau. Perhaps, had she exercised it, there was a third gift—the gift of written thought.

It’s straightforward and honest, like Thoreau. Maybe, if she had used it, there was a third gift—the ability to express her thoughts in writing.

Clemens remained at Stormfield ten days after Jean was gone. The weather was fiercely cold, the landscape desolate, the house full of tragedy. He kept pretty closely to his room, where he had me bring the heaps of letters, a few of which he answered personally; for the others he prepared a simple card of acknowledgment. He was for the most part in gentle mood during these days, though he would break out now and then, and rage at the hardness of a fate that had laid an unearned burden of illness on Jean and shadowed her life.

Clemens stayed at Stormfield for ten days after Jean was gone. The weather was brutally cold, the landscape bleak, and the house filled with sorrow. He mostly stayed in his room, where he had me bring him piles of letters. He responded personally to a few, while for the others, he prepared simple acknowledgment cards. For the most part, he was in a gentle mood during those days, although he would occasionally lose his temper and vent his frustration at the unfairness of a fate that had placed an undeserved burden of illness on Jean and darkened her life.

They were days not wholly without humor—none of his days could be altogether without that, though it was likely to be of a melancholy sort.

They had their moments of humor—none of his days could be completely without that, although it tended to be of a more somber kind.

Many of the letters offered orthodox comfort, saying, in effect: “God does not willingly punish us.”

Many of the letters provided traditional reassurance, stating, in essence: “God does not punish us without reason.”

When he had read a number of these he said:

When he had read several of these, he said:

“Well, why does He do it then? We don't invite it. Why does He give Himself the trouble?”

“Well, why does He do it then? We don't ask for it. Why does He go through the hassle?”

I suggested that it was a sentiment that probably gave comfort to the writer of it.

I thought it was a feeling that likely brought comfort to the writer.

“So it does,” he said, “and I am glad of it—glad of anything that gives comfort to anybody.”

“So it does,” he said, “and I’m happy about that—happy about anything that brings comfort to anyone.”

He spoke of the larger God—the God of the great unvarying laws, and by and by dropped off to sleep, quite peacefully, and indeed peace came more and more to him each day with the thought that Jean and Susy and their mother could not be troubled any more. To Mrs. Gabrilowitsch he wrote:

He talked about the bigger God—the God of the unchanging laws, and before long, he fell asleep, completely at ease. In fact, peace wrapped around him more each day with the idea that Jean, Susy, and their mom were no longer troubled. He wrote to Mrs. Gabrilowitsch:

                     REDDING, CONN, December 29, 1909.

    O, Clara, Clara dear, I am so glad she is out of it & safe—safe!

    I am not melancholy; I shall never be melancholy again, I think.

    You see, I was in such distress when I came to realize that you were
    gone far away & no one stood between her & danger but me—& I could
    die at any moment, & then—oh then what would become of her! For
    she was wilful, you know, & would not have been governable.

    You can't imagine what a darling she was that last two or three
    days; & how fine, & good, & sweet, & noble—& joyful, thank Heaven!
    —& how intellectually brilliant. I had never been acquainted with
    Jean before. I recognized that.

    But I mustn't try to write about her—I can't. I have already
    poured my heart out with the pen, recording that last day or two.
    I will send you that—& you must let no one but Ossip read it.

    Good-by. I love you so! And Ossip.
                                FATHER.
                     REDDING, CONN, December 29, 1909.

    Oh, Clara, dear Clara, I’m so relieved she’s out of danger and safe—safe!

    I’m not feeling sad; I don’t think I’ll ever feel sad again.

    You see, I was in such distress when I realized you were far away and there was no one to protect her but me—and I could die at any moment, and then—oh, what would happen to her! Because she was stubborn, you know, and wouldn’t have been easy to manage.

    You can’t imagine how lovely she was those last two or three days; how wonderful, good, sweet, and noble—joyful, thank Heaven!—and how intellectually sharp. I had never really known Jean before. I recognized that.

    But I shouldn’t try to write about her—I can’t. I’ve already poured my heart out on paper, capturing those last couple of days. I’ll send that to you—and please let no one but Ossip read it.

    Goodbye. I love you so much! And Ossip.
                                FATHER.




CCXC. THE RETURN TO BERMUDA

I don't think he attempted any further writing for print. His mind was busy with ideas, but he was willing to talk, rather than to write, rather even than to play billiards, it seemed, although we had a few quiet games—the last we should ever play together. Evenings he asked for music, preferring the Scotch airs, such as “Bonnie Doon” and “The Campbells are Coming.” I remember that once, after playing the latter for him, he told, with great feeling, how the Highlanders, led by Gen. Colin Campbell, had charged at Lucknow, inspired by that stirring air. When he had retired I usually sat with him, and he drifted into literature, or theology, or science, or history—the story of the universe and man.

I don't think he tried any more writing for publication. His mind was filled with ideas, but he preferred talking over writing, and even over playing billiards, it seemed, although we did have a few quiet games—the last ones we would ever play together. In the evenings, he asked for music, favoring the Scottish tunes like “Bonnie Doon” and “The Campbells are Coming.” I remember that once, after playing the latter for him, he shared with great emotion how the Highlanders, led by Gen. Colin Campbell, charged at Lucknow, inspired by that stirring tune. When he had retired, I usually sat with him as he wandered into topics like literature, theology, science, or history—the tale of the universe and humanity.

One evening he spoke of those who had written but one immortal thing and stopped there. He mentioned “Ben Bolt.”

One evening, he talked about those who had written just one timeless piece and then stopped. He brought up “Ben Bolt.”

“I met that man once,” he said. “In my childhood I sang 'Sweet Alice, Ben Bolt,' and in my old age, fifteen years ago, I met the man who wrote it. His name was Brown.—[Thomas Dunn English. Mr. Clemens apparently remembered only the name satirically conferred upon him by Edgar Allan Poe, “Thomas Dunn Brown.”]—He was aged, forgotten, a mere memory. I remember how it thrilled me to realize that this was the very author of 'Sweet Alice, Ben Bolt.' He was just an accident. He had a vision and echoed it. A good many persons do that—the thing they do is to put in compact form the thing which we have all vaguely felt. 'Twenty Years Ago' is just like it 'I have wandered through the village, Tom, and sat beneath the tree'—and Holmes's 'Last Leaf' is another: the memory of the hallowed past, and the gravestones of those we love. It is all so beautiful—the past is always beautiful.”

“I met that guy once,” he said. “When I was a kid, I sang 'Sweet Alice, Ben Bolt,' and in my old age, fifteen years ago, I met the guy who wrote it. His name was Brown.—[Thomas Dunn English. Mr. Clemens apparently remembered only the name satirically given to him by Edgar Allan Poe, 'Thomas Dunn Brown.']—He was old, forgotten, just a memory. I remember how excited I felt realizing that he was the very author of 'Sweet Alice, Ben Bolt.' He was just a fluke. He had a vision and expressed it. A lot of people do that—their job is to put into concise form what we've all felt vaguely. 'Twenty Years Ago' is just like that, 'I have wandered through the village, Tom, and sat beneath the tree'—and Holmes's 'Last Leaf' is another: the memory of the cherished past, and the gravestones of those we love. It's all so beautiful—the past is always beautiful.”

He quoted, with great feeling and effect:

He quoted, with deep emotion and impact:

           The massy marbles rest
           On the lips that we have pressed
           In their bloom,
           And the names we love to hear
           Have been carved for many a year
           On the tomb.
           The heavy stones lie  
           On the lips we've kissed  
           In their prime,  
           And the names we cherish to hear  
           Have been engraved for many years  
           On the grave.

He continued in this strain for an hour or more. He spoke of humor, and thought it must be one of the chief attributes of God. He cited plants and animals that were distinctly humorous in form and in their characteristics. These he declared were God's jokes.

He kept talking like this for over an hour. He mentioned humor and believed it had to be one of God's main qualities. He referenced plants and animals that were clearly funny in their shape and traits. He said these were God's jokes.

“Why,” he said, “humor is mankind's greatest blessing.”

“Why,” he said, “humor is humanity's greatest gift.”

“Your own case is an example,” I answered. “Without it, whatever your reputation as a philosopher, you could never have had the wide-spread affection that is shown by the writers of that great heap of letters.”

“Your situation is a prime example,” I replied. “Without it, no matter how respected you are as a philosopher, you wouldn't have received the widespread affection reflected in the countless letters you’ve received.”

“Yes,” he said, gently, “they have liked to be amused.”

“Yes,” he said softly, “they have enjoyed being entertained.”

I tucked him in for the night, promising to send him to Bermuda, with Claude to take care of him, if he felt he could undertake the journey in two days more.

I tucked him in for the night, promising to send him to Bermuda, with Claude looking after him, if he thought he could handle the trip in two more days.

He was able, and he was eager to go, for he longed for that sunny island, and for the quiet peace of the Allen home. His niece, Mrs. Loomis, came up to spend the last evening in Stormfield, a happy evening full of quiet talk, and next morning, in the old closed carriage that had been his wedding-gift, he was driven to the railway station. This was on January 4, 1910.

He was ready and excited to go because he missed that sunny island and the peacefulness of the Allen home. His niece, Mrs. Loomis, came over to spend the last evening in Stormfield, which was a joyful night filled with quiet conversation, and the next morning, in the old closed carriage that had been his wedding gift, he was taken to the train station. This was on January 4, 1910.

He was to sail next day, and that night, at Mr. Loomis's, Howells came in, and for an hour or two they reviewed some of the questions they had so long ago settled, or left forever unsettled, and laid away. I remember that at dinner Clemens spoke of his old Hartford butler, George, and how he had once brought George to New York and introduced him at the various publishing houses as his friend, with curious and sometimes rather embarrassing results.

He was set to sail the next day, and that night, at Mr. Loomis's, Howells arrived, and for an hour or two they talked about some of the issues they had either resolved a long time ago or had left unresolved and tucked away. I remember that during dinner, Clemens talked about his old Hartford butler, George, and how he once brought George to New York, introducing him at different publishing houses as his friend, which led to some interesting and sometimes awkward situations.

The talk drifted to sociology and to the labor-unions, which Clemens defended as being the only means by which the workman could obtain recognition of his rights.

The conversation shifted to sociology and labor unions, which Clemens defended as the only way for workers to gain recognition of their rights.

Howells in his book mentions this evening, which he says “was made memorable to me by the kind, clear, judicial sense with which he explained and justified the labor-unions as the sole present help of the weak against the strong.”

Howells in his book talks about this evening, which he says “was made memorable to me by the kind, clear, judicial sense with which he explained and justified the labor unions as the only current support for the weak against the strong.”

They discussed dreams, and then in a little while Howells rose to go. I went also, and as we walked to his near-by apartment he spoke of Mark Twain's supremacy. He said:

They talked about dreams, and after a little while, Howells stood up to leave. I did too, and as we walked to his nearby apartment, he mentioned Mark Twain's greatness. He said:

“I turn to his books for cheer when I am down-hearted. There was never anybody like him; there never will be.”

“I turn to his books for comfort when I'm feeling down. There was never anyone like him; there never will be.”

Clemens sailed next morning. They did not meet again.

Clemens set sail the next morning. They never saw each other again.





CCXCI. LETTERS FROM BERMUDA

Stormfield was solemn and empty without Mark Twain; but he wrote by every steamer, at first with his own hand, and during the last week by the hand of one of his enlisted secretaries—some member of the Allen family usually Helen. His letters were full of brightness and pleasantry—always concerned more or less with business matters, though he was no longer disturbed by them, for Bermuda was too peaceful and too far away, and, besides, he had faith in the Mark Twain Company's ability to look after his affairs. I cannot do better, I believe, than to offer some portions of these letters here.

Stormfield felt quiet and empty without Mark Twain, but he continued to write with every steamer, at first using his own hand and, in the last week, with the help of one of his secretaries—usually a member of the Allen family, often Helen. His letters were full of joy and humor, mostly focusing on business matters, even though he wasn’t bothered by them anymore, since Bermuda was too peaceful and too far away. Plus, he trusted the Mark Twain Company to handle his affairs. I think it would be best to share some excerpts from these letters here.

He reached Bermuda on the 7th of January, 1910, and on the 12th he wrote:

He arrived in Bermuda on January 7, 1910, and on the 12th he wrote:

    Again I am living the ideal life. There is nothing to mar it but
    the bloody-minded bandit Arthur,—[A small playmate of Helen's of
    whom Clemens pretended to be fiercely jealous. Once he wrote a
    memorandum to Helen: “Let Arthur read this book. There is a page in
    it that is poisoned.”]—who still fetches and carries Helen.
    Presently he will be found drowned. Claude comes to Bay House twice
    a day to see if I need any service. He is invaluable. There was a
    military lecture last night at the Officers' Mess Prospect; as the
    lecturer honored me with a special urgent invitation, and said he
    wanted to lecture to me particularly, I naturally took Helen and her
    mother into the private carriage and went.

    As soon as we landed at the door with the crowd the Governor came to
    me& was very cordial. I “met up” with that charming Colonel Chapman
    [we had known him on the previous visit] and other officers of the
    regiment & had a good time.
    Once again, I’m living the ideal life. The only thing that tarnishes it is that stubborn little bandit Arthur, —[A small playmate of Helen's whom Clemens pretended to be fiercely jealous of. Once he wrote a note to Helen: “Let Arthur read this book. There’s a page in it that’s toxic.”]—who still runs around after Helen. Soon he’ll be found drowned. Claude comes to Bay House twice a day to check if I need anything. He’s invaluable. There was a military lecture last night at the Officers' Mess Prospect; since the lecturer gave me a special urgent invitation and said he particularly wanted to lecture to me, I naturally took Helen and her mother in the private carriage and went.

    As soon as we arrived at the door with the crowd, the Governor came over to me and was very friendly. I caught up with that charming Colonel Chapman [we had known him on the previous visit] and other officers of the regiment and had a great time.

A few days later he wrote:

A few days later, he wrote:

    Thanks for your letter & for its contenting news of the situation in
    that foreign & far-off & vaguely remembered country where you &
    Loomis & Lark and other beloved friends are.

    I had a letter from Clara this morning. She is solicitous & wants
    me well & watchfully taken care of. My, my, she ought to see Helen
    & her parents & Claude administer that trust. Also she says, “I
    hope to hear from you or Mr. Paine very soon.”

    I am writing her & I know you will respond to your part of her
    prayer. She is pretty desolate now after Jean's emancipation—the
    only kindness that God ever did that poor, unoffending child in all
    her hard life.

    Send Clara a copy of Howells's gorgeous letter.
Thanks for your letter and for the comforting news about the situation in that distant and vaguely remembered country where you, Loomis, Lark, and other dear friends are.

I received a letter from Clara this morning. She is worried and wants me to be well and carefully looked after. Oh my, she should see Helen, her parents, and Claude taking care of that. She also said, “I hope to hear from you or Mr. Paine very soon.”

I’m writing to her, and I know you’ll do your part to answer her prayer. She’s feeling pretty lonely now after Jean’s freedom—the only kindness that God ever showed that poor, innocent child in her tough life.

Please send Clara a copy of Howells’s beautiful letter.

The “gorgeous letter” mentioned was an appreciation of his recent Bazar article, “The Turning-Point in My Life,” and here follows:

The "gorgeous letter" referred to was a compliment for his recent Bazar article, "The Turning-Point in My Life," and here it is:

    January 18, 1910.

    DEAR CLEMENS,—While your wonderful words are warm in my mind yet I
    want to tell you what you know already: that you never wrote
    anything greater, finer, than that turning-point paper of yours.

    I shall feel it honor enough if they put on my tombstone “He was
    born in the same century and general section of Middle Western
    country with Dr. S. L. Clemens, Oxon., and had his degree three
    years before him through a mistake of the University.”

    I hope you are worse. You will never be riper for a purely
    intellectual life, and it is a pity to have you lagging along with a
    worn-out material body on top of your soul.

                  Yours ever,
                            W. D. HOWELLS.
    January 18, 1910.

    DEAR CLEMENS,—While your amazing words are still fresh in my mind, I want to tell you what you already know: that you’ve never written anything greater or finer than that pivotal paper of yours.

    I’ll consider it an honor if they put on my tombstone, “He was born in the same century and general area of the Midwest as Dr. S. L. Clemens, Oxon., and got his degree three years before him due to a mistake by the University.”

    I hope you’re doing worse. You will never be more ready for a purely intellectual life, and it’s a shame to see you dragging along with a tired body holding back your spirit.

                  Yours ever,
                            W. D. HOWELLS.

On the margin of this letter Clemens had written:

On the edge of this letter, Clemens had written:

    I reckon this spontaneous outburst from the first critic of the day
    is good to keep, ain't it, Paine?
I think this sudden outburst from the first critic of the day is worth keeping, right, Paine?

January 24th he wrote again of his contentment:

January 24th, he wrote again about his happiness:

    Life continues here the same as usual. There isn't a fault in it
    —good times, good home, tranquil contentment all day & every day
    without a break. I know familiarly several very satisfactory people
    & meet them frequently: Mr. Hamilton, the Sloanes, Mr. & Mrs. Fells,
    Miss Waterman, & so on. I shouldn't know how to go about bettering
    my situation.
    Life goes on here just like always. There's nothing wrong with it — good times, a good home, and peaceful contentment every single day without pause. I know several really great people well and see them often: Mr. Hamilton, the Sloanes, Mr. & Mrs. Fells, Miss Waterman, and so on. I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted to improve my situation.

On February 5th he wrote that the climate and condition of his health might require him to stay in Bermuda pretty continuously, but that he wished Stormfield kept open so that he might come to it at any time. And he added:

On February 5th, he wrote that the weather and his health might require him to stay in Bermuda most of the time, but he wanted Stormfield to remain open so he could visit whenever he wanted. And he added:

    Yesterday Mr. Allen took us on an excursion in Mr. Hamilton's big
    motor-boat. Present: Mrs. Allen, Mr. & Mrs. & Miss Sloane, Helen,
    Mildred Howells, Claude, & me. Several hours' swift skimming over
    ravishing blue seas, a brilliant sun; also a couple of hours of
    picnicking & lazying under the cedars in a secluded place.

    The Orotava is arriving with 260 passengers—I shall get letters by
    her, no doubt.

    P. S.—Please send me the Standard Unabridged that is on the table in
    my bedroom. I have no dictionary here.
Yesterday, Mr. Allen took us on a trip in Mr. Hamilton's big motorboat. Attendees: Mrs. Allen, Mr. & Mrs. & Miss Sloane, Helen, Mildred Howells, Claude, & me. We spent several hours gliding over beautiful blue seas under a bright sun, along with a couple of hours picnicking and lounging under the cedars in a quiet spot.

The Orotava is arriving with 260 passengers—I should receive letters through her, no doubt.

P.S.—Please send me the Standard Unabridged that’s on the table in my bedroom. I don't have a dictionary here.
There is no mention in any of these letters of his trouble; but he was
having occasional spasms of pain, though in that soft climate they
would seem to have come with less frequency, and there was so little to
disturb him, and much that contributed to his peace. Among the callers
at the Bay House to see him was Woodrow Wilson, and the two put in some
pleasant hours at miniature golf, “putting” on the Allen lawn. Of course
a catastrophe would come along now and then—such things could not
always be guarded against. In a letter toward the end of February he
wrote:    It is 2.30 in the morning & I am writing because I can't sleep.
    I can't sleep because a professional pianist is coming to-morrow
    afternoon to play for me. My God! I wouldn't allow Paderewski or
    Gabrilowitsch to do that. I would rather have a leg amputated.
    I knew he was coming, but I never dreamed it was to play for me.
    When I heard the horrible news 4 hours ago, be d—-d if I didn't
    come near screaming. I meant to slip out and be absent, but now I
    can't. Don't pray for me. The thing is just as d—-d bad as it can
    be already.
There’s no mention in any of these letters about his issues, but he was experiencing occasional bouts of pain, though in that mild climate, they seemed to happen less often. There was so little to upset him, and a lot that added to his sense of calm. Among the visitors at the Bay House to see him was Woodrow Wilson, and they spent some enjoyable hours playing mini-golf, “putting” on the Allen lawn. Of course, there would be a crisis now and then—those things couldn’t always be avoided. In a letter toward the end of February, he wrote:    It’s 2:30 in the morning & I’m writing because I can’t sleep.    I can't sleep because a professional pianist is coming tomorrow afternoon to play for me. Oh my God! I wouldn’t allow Paderewski or Gabrilowitsch to do that. I’d rather have a leg amputated. I knew he was coming, but I never imagined it was to play for me. When I heard the awful news 4 hours ago, I swear I came close to screaming. I planned to sneak out and be absent, but now I can’t. Don’t pray for me. The situation is just as bad as it can be already.

Clemens's love for music did not include the piano, except for very gentle melodies, and he probably did not anticipate these from a professional player. He did not report the sequel of the matter; but it is likely that his imagination had discounted its tortures. Sometimes his letters were pure nonsense. Once he sent a sheet, on one side of which was written:

Clemens's love for music didn't really extend to the piano, except for very soft melodies, and he probably didn't expect those from a professional player. He didn’t mention what happened next; but it's likely that he had already imagined the pain it would bring. Sometimes his letters were complete nonsense. Once he sent a page, on one side of which was written:

                            BAY HOUSE,
                            March s, 1910.
       Received of S. L. C.
       Two Dollars and Forty Cents
       in return for my promise to believe everything he says
       hereafter.
                            HELEN S. ALLEN.
                            BAY HOUSE,
                            March 5, 1910.
       Received from S. L. C.
       Two Dollars and Forty Cents
       in exchange for my promise to believe everything he says
       from now on.
                            HELEN S. ALLEN.

and on the reverse:

and on the flip side:

                       FOR SALE

    The proprietor of the hereinbefore mentioned Promise desires to part
    with it on account of ill health and obliged to go away somewheres
    so as to let it reciprocate, and will take any reasonable amount for
    it above 2 percent of its face because experienced parties think it
    will not keep but only a little while in this kind of weather & is a
    kind of proppity that don't give a cuss for cold storage nohow.
                       FOR SALE

    The owner of the mentioned Promise wants to sell it due to health issues and needs to leave for a while to let it take its course. They will accept any reasonable offer above 2 percent of its value because experienced people believe it won't last long in this weather and it's the kind of property that doesn’t care about cold storage at all.

Clearly, however serious Mark Twain regarded his physical condition, he did not allow it to make him gloomy. He wrote that matters were going everywhere to his satisfaction; that Clara was happy; that his household and business affairs no longer troubled him; that his personal surroundings were of the pleasantest sort. Sometimes he wrote of what he was reading, and once spoke particularly of Prof. William Lyon Phelps's Literary Essays, which he said he had been unable to lay down until he had finished the book.—[To Phelps himself he wrote: “I thank you ever so much for the book, which I find charming—so charming, indeed, that I read it through in a single night, & did not regret the lost night's sleep. I am glad if I deserve what you have said about me; & even if I don't I am proud & well contented, since you think I deserve it.”]

Clearly, no matter how serious Mark Twain took his health issues, he didn’t let them bring him down. He wrote that everything was going well for him; that Clara was happy; that his home and work troubles were behind him; and that his surroundings were really pleasant. Sometimes he wrote about what he was reading, and he specifically mentioned Prof. William Lyon Phelps's Literary Essays, saying he couldn’t put it down until he finished the whole book.—[To Phelps himself he wrote: “Thank you so much for the book, which I find delightful—so delightful, in fact, that I read it all in one night and didn’t regret losing sleep over it. I’m glad if I deserve what you’ve said about me; and even if I don’t, I’m proud and quite happy that you think I do.”]

So his days seemed full of comfort. But in March I noticed that he generally dictated his letters, and once when he sent some small photographs I thought he looked thinner and older. Still he kept up his merriment. In one letter he said:

So his days seemed full of comfort. But in March I noticed that he generally dictated his letters, and once when he sent some small photographs, I thought he looked thinner and older. Still, he kept up his cheerfulness. In one letter he said:

    While the matter is in my mind I will remark that if you ever send
    me another letter which is not paged at the top I will write you
    with my own hand, so that I may use with utter freedom & without
    embarrassment the kind of words which alone can describe such a
    criminal, to wit, - - - -; you will have to put into words those
    dashes because propriety will not allow me to do it myself in my
    secretary's hearing. You are forgiven, but don't let it occur
    again.
While it’s on my mind, I’ll mention that if you ever send me another letter without a page number at the top, I will write back myself, so I can freely use the exact words that describe such a criminal, namely, -----; you’ll need to fill in those dashes since I can’t say it myself in front of my secretary. You’re forgiven, but don’t let this happen again.

He had still made no mention of his illness; but on the 25th of March he wrote something of his plans for coming home. He had engaged passage on the Bermudian for April 23d, he said; and he added:

He still hadn’t mentioned his illness, but on March 25th, he wrote about his plans to come home. He said he had booked a spot on the Bermudian for April 23rd, and he added:

    But don't tell anybody. I don't want it known. I may have to go
    sooner if the pain in my breast does not mend its ways pretty
    considerable. I don't want to die here, for this is an unkind place
    for a person in that condition. I should have to lie in the
    undertaker's cellar until the ship would remove me & it is dark down
    there & unpleasant.

    The Colliers will meet me on the pier, & I may stay with them a week
    or two before going home. It all depends on the breast pain. I
    don't want to die there. I am growing more and more particular
    about the place.
    But don't tell anyone. I don't want it to be known. I might have to leave sooner if the pain in my chest doesn’t get better pretty soon. I don’t want to die here, because this is a harsh place for someone in that condition. I would have to lie in the undertaker's cellar until the ship could take me away, and it's dark down there and unpleasant.

    The Colliers will meet me at the pier, and I might stay with them for a week or two before heading home. It all depends on the chest pain. I really don’t want to die here. I’m becoming more and more particular about where I want to be.

But in the same letter he spoke of plans for the summer, suggesting that we must look into the magic-lantern possibilities, so that library entertainments could be given at Stormfield. I confess that this letter, in spite of its light tone, made me uneasy, and I was tempted to sail for Bermuda to bring him home. Three days later he wrote again:

But in the same letter, he talked about plans for the summer, suggesting that we should explore the possibilities of a magic lantern, so we could have library events at Stormfield. I have to admit that this letter, even with its casual tone, made me feel uneasy, and I was tempted to head to Bermuda to bring him back. Three days later, he wrote again:

    I have been having a most uncomfortable time for the past four days
    with that breast pain, which turns out to be an affection of the
    heart, just as I originally suspected. The news from New York is to
    the effect that non-bronchial weather has arrived there at last;
    therefore, if I can get my breast trouble in traveling condition I
    may sail for home a week or two earlier than has been proposed.
    I've been feeling really uncomfortable for the past four days with that chest pain, which turns out to be a heart issue, just like I suspected from the beginning. The update from New York is that better weather has finally arrived there; so, if I can get my chest issue sorted out, I might be able to head home a week or two earlier than planned.

The same mail that brought this brought a letter from Mr. Allen, who frankly stated that matters had become very serious indeed. Mr. Clemens had had some dangerous attacks, and the physicians considered his condition critical.

The same mail that brought this also included a letter from Mr. Allen, who candidly said that things had become quite serious. Mr. Clemens had experienced some severe health issues, and the doctors deemed his condition critical.

These letters arrived April 1st. I went to New York at once and sailed next morning. Before sailing I consulted with Dr. Quintard, who provided me with some opiates and instructed me in the use of the hypodermic needle. He also joined me in a cablegram to the Gabrilowitsches, then in Italy, advising them to sail without delay.

These letters arrived on April 1st. I went to New York right away and sailed the next morning. Before leaving, I talked to Dr. Quintard, who gave me some painkillers and taught me how to use the hypodermic needle. He also helped me send a cable to the Gabrilowitsches, who were in Italy at the time, urging them to set sail without delay.





CCXCII. THE VOYAGE HOME

I sent no word to Bermuda that I was coming, and when on the second morning I arrived at Hamilton, I stepped quickly ashore from the tender and hurried to Bay House. The doors were all open, as they usually are in that summer island, and no one was visible. I was familiar with the place, and, without knocking, I went through to the room occupied by Mark Twain. As I entered I saw that he was alone, sitting in a large chair, clad in the familiar dressing-gown.

I didn’t let anyone in Bermuda know I was coming, and when I arrived in Hamilton on the second morning, I quickly got off the boat and rushed to Bay House. The doors were all open, as they usually are on that summer island, and there was no one around. I knew the place well, so without knocking, I walked into the room where Mark Twain was staying. When I entered, I saw he was alone, sitting in a big chair, wearing his usual dressing gown.

Bay House stands upon the water, and the morning light, reflected in at the window, had an unusual quality. He was not yet shaven, and he seemed unnaturally pale and gray; certainly he was much thinner. I was too startled, for the moment, to say anything. When he turned and saw me he seemed a little dazed.

Bay House sits by the water, and the morning light reflecting in the window had a unique quality. He hadn't shaved yet, and he looked unnaturally pale and gray; he was definitely much thinner. I was too shocked, for the moment, to say anything. When he turned and saw me, he looked a bit dazed.

“Why,” he said, holding out his hand, “you didn't tell us you were coming.”

“Why,” he said, extending his hand, “you didn’t mention you were coming.”

“No,” I said, “it is rather sudden. I didn't quite like the sound of your last letters.”

“No,” I said, “it feels a bit sudden. I wasn't a fan of what you wrote in your last letters.”

“But those were not serious,” he protested. “You shouldn't have come on my account.”

“But those weren't serious,” he insisted. “You shouldn't have come because of me.”

I said then that I had come on my own account; that I had felt the need of recreation, and had decided to run down and come home with him.

I said then that I had come on my own; that I needed a break and had decided to come down and go home with him.

“That's—very—good,” he said, in his slow, gentle fashion. “Now I'm glad to see you.”

“That's—really—great,” he said, in his slow, gentle way. “Now I'm happy to see you.”

His breakfast came in and he ate with an appetite.

His breakfast was served, and he ate with enthusiasm.

When he had been shaved and freshly propped tip in his pillows it seemed to me, after all, that I must have been mistaken in thinking him so changed. Certainly he was thinner, but his color was fine, his eyes were bright; he had no appearance of a man whose life was believed to be in danger. He told me then of the fierce attacks he had gone through, how the pains had torn at him, and how it had been necessary for him to have hypodermic injections, which he amusingly termed “hypnotic injunctions” and “subcutaneous applications,” and he had his humor out of it, as of course he must have, even though Death should stand there in person.

After he was shaved and propped up on his pillows, I realized I must have been wrong to think he looked so different. Sure, he was thinner, but his complexion was good, and his eyes were bright; he didn't look like someone whose life was in danger. He then told me about the intense pain he had experienced, how it had wracked his body, and how he needed hypodermic injections, which he humorously called “hypnotic injunctions” and “subcutaneous applications.” He managed to find humor in it all, as anyone would need to, even with Death standing right there.

From Mr. and Mrs. Allen and from the physician I learned how slender had been his chances and how uncertain were the days ahead. Mr. Allen had already engaged passage on the Oceana for the 12th, and the one purpose now was to get him physically in condition for the trip.

From Mr. and Mrs. Allen and from the doctor, I learned how slim his chances had been and how uncertain the days ahead were. Mr. Allen had already booked passage on the Oceana for the 12th, and the main goal now was to get him physically ready for the trip.

How devoted those kind friends had been to him! They had devised every imaginable thing for his comfort. Mr. Allen had rigged an electric bell which connected with his own room, so that he could be aroused instantly at any hour of the night. Clemens had refused to have a nurse, for it was only during the period of his extreme suffering that he needed any one, and he did not wish to have a nurse always around. When the pains were gone he was as bright and cheerful, and, seemingly, as well as ever.

How devoted those kind friends had been to him! They had thought of everything possible for his comfort. Mr. Allen had set up an electric bell connected to his own room, so he could be woken up immediately at any hour of the night. Clemens had chosen not to have a nurse because he only needed help during his times of extreme suffering, and he didn't want someone around all the time. When the pain was gone, he was bright and cheerful and seemed as well as ever.

On the afternoon of my arrival we drove out, as formerly, and he discussed some of the old subjects in quite the old way. He had been rereading Macaulay, he said, and spoke at considerable length of the hypocrisy and intrigue of the English court under James II. He spoke, too, of the Redding Library. I had sold for him that portion of the land where Jean's farm-house had stood, and it was in his mind to use the money for some sort of a memorial to Jean. I had written, suggesting that perhaps he would like to put up a small library building, as the Adams lot faced the corner where Jean had passed every day when she rode to the station for the mail. He had been thinking this over, he said, and wished the idea carried out. He asked me to write at once to his lawyer, Mr. Lark, and have a paper prepared appointing trustees for a memorial library fund.

On the afternoon I arrived, we went out, just like before, and he talked about some of the old topics in the same old way. He mentioned he had been rereading Macaulay and discussed at length the hypocrisy and intrigue of the English court under James II. He also talked about the Redding Library. I had sold the part of the land where Jean's farmhouse used to be, and he was thinking of using that money for some kind of memorial for Jean. I had suggested in writing that he might want to build a small library since the Adams lot faced the corner where Jean passed every day on her way to the station for the mail. He said he had been considering this and wanted to go ahead with the idea. He asked me to write to his lawyer, Mr. Lark, right away and have a document prepared to appoint trustees for a memorial library fund.

The pain did not trouble him that afternoon, nor during several succeeding days. He was gay and quite himself, and he often went out on the lawn; but we did not drive out again. For the most part, he sat propped up in his bed, reading or smoking, or talking in the old way; and as I looked at him he seemed so full of vigor and the joy of life that I could not convince myself that he would not outlive us all. I found that he had been really very much alive during those three months—too much for his own good, sometimes—for he had not been careful of his hours or his diet, and had suffered in consequence.

The pain didn't bother him that afternoon, or for several days afterward. He was cheerful and completely himself, and he often went out onto the lawn; but we didn't go for another drive. Most of the time, he sat propped up in his bed, reading or smoking, or chatting like he used to; and as I looked at him, he seemed so full of energy and the joy of life that I couldn't convince myself he wouldn't outlive us all. I realized he had actually been very much alive during those three months—sometimes too much for his own good—because he hadn't been careful about his hours or diet, and he had suffered as a result.

He had not been writing, though he had scribbled some playful valentines and he had amused himself one day by preparing a chapter of advice—for me it appeared—which, after reading it aloud to the Allens and receiving their approval, he declared he intended to have printed for my benefit. As it would seem to have been the last bit of continued writing he ever did, and because it is characteristic and amusing, a few paragraphs may be admitted. The “advice” is concerning deportment on reaching the Gate which St. Peter is supposed to guard—

He hadn't been writing much, although he had jotted down some fun valentines, and one day he entertained himself by putting together a chapter of advice—at least that's how it seemed to me—which he read aloud to the Allens and after getting their thumbs up, he said he planned to have it printed for my benefit. Since it turned out to be the last piece of writing he ever did, and because it's both typical and amusing, a few paragraphs might be worth sharing. The “advice” is about how to behave upon arriving at the Gate that St. Peter is thought to guard—

    Upon arrival do not speak to St. Peter until spoken to. It is not
    your place to begin.

    Do not begin any remark with “Say.”

    When applying for a ticket avoid trying to make conversation. If
    you must talk let the weather alone. St. Peter cares not a damn for
    the weather. And don't ask him what time the 4.30 train goes; there
    aren't any trains in heaven, except through trains, and the less
    information you get about them the better for you.

    You can ask him for his autograph—there is no harm in that—but be
    careful and don't remark that it is one of the penalties of
    greatness. He has heard that before.

    Don't try to kodak him. Hell is full of people who have made that
    mistake.

    Leave your dog outside. Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit
    you would stay out and the dog would go in.

    You will be wanting to slip down at night and smuggle water to those
    poor little chaps (the infant damned), but don't you try it. You
    would be caught, and nobody in heaven would respect you after that.

    Explain to Helen why I don't come. If you can.
Upon arrival, don’t talk to St. Peter until he speaks to you. It's not your place to start the conversation.

Don’t start any comment with “Say.”

When applying for a ticket, avoid trying to make small talk. If you must speak, leave the weather out of it. St. Peter doesn’t care about that at all. And don’t ask him what time the 4:30 train leaves; there aren’t any trains in heaven, except for through trains, and it’s better for you if you know less about them.

You can ask him for his autograph—there’s no harm in that—but be careful not to say it’s one of the downsides of greatness. He’s heard that before.

Don’t try to take a picture of him. Hell is full of people who made that mistake.

Leave your dog outside. Heaven is based on favor. If it were based on merit, you would stay out and the dog would go in.

You might want to sneak down at night and bring water to those poor little ones (the infant damned), but don’t even try it. You’d get caught, and nobody in heaven would respect you after that.

Explain to Helen why I don’t come, if you can.

There were several pages of this counsel. One paragraph was written in shorthand. I meant to ask him to translate it; but there were many other things to think of, and I did not remember.

There were several pages of this advice. One paragraph was written in shorthand. I planned to ask him to translate it, but there were many other things on my mind, and I forgot.

I spent most of each day with him, merely sitting by the bed and reading while he himself read or dozed. His nights were wakeful—he found it easier to sleep by day—and he liked to think that some one was there. He became interested in Hardy's Jude, and spoke of it with high approval, urging me to read it. He dwelt a good deal on the morals of it, or rather on the lack of them. He followed the tale to the end, finishing it the afternoon before we sailed. It was his last continuous reading. I noticed, when he slept, that his breathing was difficult, and I could see from day to day that he did not improve; but each evening he would be gay and lively, and he liked the entire family to gather around, while he became really hilarious over the various happenings of the day. It was only a few days before we sailed that the very severe attacks returned. The night of the 8th was a hard one. The doctors were summoned, and it was only after repeated injections of morphine that the pain had been eased. When I returned in the early morning he was sitting in his chair trying to sing, after his old morning habit. He took my hand and said:

I spent most of each day with him, just sitting by the bed and reading while he either read or dozed off. He couldn’t sleep well at night—he found it easier to sleep during the day—and he appreciated having someone there with him. He got interested in Hardy's Jude and talked about it enthusiastically, encouraging me to read it too. He spent a lot of time discussing its morals, or rather, the lack of them. He followed the story to the end, finishing it the afternoon before we set sail. That was his last uninterrupted reading. I noticed that when he slept, his breathing was hard, and I could see day by day that he wasn’t getting better; but every evening, he was cheerful and lively, enjoying having the whole family around him, and he became genuinely amused by the various happenings of the day. Just a few days before we sailed, the severe attacks came back. The night of the 8th was especially tough. The doctors were called, and it was only after several injections of morphine that the pain was relieved. When I came back early in the morning, he was sitting in his chair trying to sing, as he usually did in the mornings. He took my hand and said:

“Well, I had a picturesque night. Every pain I had was on exhibition.”

“Well, I had a beautiful night. Every pain I felt was on display.”

He looked out the window at the sunlight on the bay and green dotted islands. “'Sparkling and bright in the liquid light,'” he quoted. “That's Hoffman. Anything left of Hoffman?”

He gazed out the window at the sunlight shimmering on the bay and the green speckled islands. “‘Sparkling and bright in the liquid light,’” he quoted. “Is there anything left of Hoffman?”

“No,” I said.

“No,” I replied.

“I must watch for the Bermudian and see if she salutes,” he said, presently. “The captain knows I am here sick, and he blows two short whistles just as they come up behind that little island. Those are for me.”

“I need to keep an eye out for the Bermudian and look for her salute,” he said after a moment. “The captain knows I’m here sick, and he blows two short whistles as they come around that little island. Those are for me.”

He said he could breathe easier if he could lean forward, and I placed a card-table in front of him. His breakfast came in, and a little later he became quite gay. He drifted to Macaulay again, and spoke of King James's plot to assassinate William II., and how the clergy had brought themselves to see that there was no difference between killing a king in battle and by assassination. He had taken his seat by the window to watch for the Bermudian. She came down the bay presently, her bright red stacks towering vividly above the green island. It was a brilliant morning, the sky and the water a marvelous blue. He watched her anxiously and without speaking. Suddenly there were two white puffs of steam, and two short, hoarse notes went up from her.

He said he would feel better if he could lean forward, so I set up a card table in front of him. His breakfast arrived, and a little later, he became quite cheerful. He started talking about Macaulay again, discussing King James's plot to assassinate William II and how the clergy had convinced themselves that there was no difference between killing a king in battle and through assassination. He took a seat by the window to keep an eye out for the Bermudian. She soon appeared down the bay, her bright red stacks standing out against the green island. It was a stunning morning, with the sky and the water a beautiful blue. He watched her anxiously and silently. Suddenly, there were two white puffs of steam, and two short, hoarse notes sounded from her.

“Those are for me,” he said, his face full of contentment. “Captain Fraser does not forget me.”

“Those are for me,” he said, his face full of satisfaction. “Captain Fraser doesn’t forget me.”

There followed another bad night. My room was only a little distance away, and Claude came for me. I do not think any of us thought he would survive it; but he slept at last, or at least dozed. In the morning he said:

There was another rough night. My room was just a short walk away, and Claude came for me. I don’t think any of us believed he would make it; but he finally slept, or at least dozed off. In the morning he said:

“That breast pain stands watch all night and the short breath all day. I am losing enough sleep to supply a worn-out army. I want a jugful of that hypnotic injunction every night and every morning.”

"That chest pain keeps me up all night and the shortness of breath lasts all day. I'm losing enough sleep to supply a tired army. I want a jug full of that soothing remedy every night and every morning."

We began to fear now that he would not be able to sail on the 12th; but by great good-fortune he had wonderfully improved by the 12th, so much so that I began to believe, if once he could be in Stormfield, where the air was more vigorous, he might easily survive the summer. The humid atmosphere of the season increased the difficulty of his breathing.

We started to worry that he wouldn't be able to sail on the 12th; but fortunately, he had improved significantly by then, to the point where I began to believe that if he could just get to Stormfield, where the air was fresher, he could probably make it through the summer. The humid air of the season made it harder for him to breathe.

That evening he was unusually merry. Mr. and Mrs. Allen and Helen and myself went in to wish him good night. He was loath to let us leave, but was reminded that he would sail in the morning, and that the doctor had insisted that he must be quiet and lie still in bed and rest. He was never one to be very obedient. A little later Mrs. Allen and I, in the sitting-room, heard some one walking softly outside on the veranda. We went out there, and he was marching up and down in his dressing-gown as unconcerned as if he were not an invalid at all. He hadn't felt sleepy, he said, and thought a little exercise would do him good. Perhaps it did, for he slept soundly that night—a great blessing.

That evening he was unusually cheerful. Mr. and Mrs. Allen, Helen, and I went in to say goodnight to him. He was reluctant to let us go but was reminded that he would be sailing in the morning and that the doctor had insisted he needed to be quiet and rest in bed. He was never one to follow the rules too closely. A little later, Mrs. Allen and I, in the sitting room, heard someone moving softly outside on the porch. We went out there, and he was pacing up and down in his robe, acting as if he weren’t an invalid at all. He said he wasn’t feeling sleepy and thought some light exercise would do him good. Maybe it did, because he slept soundly that night—a huge relief.

Mr. Allen had chartered a special tug to come to Bay House landing in the morning and take him to the ship. He was carried in a little hand-chair to the tug, and all the way out he seemed light-spirited, anything but an invalid: The sailors carried him again in the chair to his state-room, and he bade those dear Bermuda friends good-by, and we sailed away.

Mr. Allen had booked a special tug to pick him up at Bay House landing in the morning and take him to the ship. He was carried in a small hand-chair to the tug, and the whole way there, he seemed cheerful, not at all like an invalid. The sailors carried him again in the chair to his state room, and he said goodbye to those dear Bermuda friends, and we set sail.

As long as I remember anything I shall remember the forty-eight hours of that homeward voyage. It was a brief two days as time is measured; but as time is lived it has taken its place among those unmeasured periods by the side of which even years do not count.

As long as I can remember anything, I will remember the forty-eight hours of that journey home. It was just a short two days by the clock, but as far as life is concerned, it has become one of those timeless moments that makes even years feel less significant.

At first he seemed quite his natural self, and asked for a catalogue of the ship's library, and selected some memoirs of the Countess of Cardigan for his reading. He asked also for the second volume of Carlyle's French Revolution, which he had with him. But we ran immediately into the more humid, more oppressive air of the Gulf Stream, and his breathing became at first difficult, then next to impossible. There were two large port-holes, which I opened; but presently he suggested that it would be better outside. It was only a step to the main-deck, and no passengers were there. I had a steamer-chair brought, and with Claude supported him to it and bundled him with rugs; but it had grown damp and chilly, and his breathing did not improve. It seemed to me that the end might come at any moment, and this thought was in his mind, too, for once in the effort for breath he managed to say:

At first, he seemed like his usual self and asked for a catalog of the ship's library, picking out some memoirs of the Countess of Cardigan to read. He also requested the second volume of Carlyle's French Revolution, which he had with him. But we quickly entered the more humid, stifling air of the Gulf Stream, and his breathing became difficult, then nearly impossible. I opened two large portholes, but he soon suggested it would be better outside. It was just a short walk to the main deck, and there were no other passengers around. I had a steamer chair brought out, and with Claude, we helped him into it and wrapped him up in blankets; however, it had become damp and chilly, and his breathing didn’t improve. I felt the end might come at any moment, and he seemed to share that thought because, in a desperate attempt to catch his breath, he managed to say:

“I am going—I shall be gone in a moment.”

“I’m going—I’ll be gone in a minute.”

Breath came; but I realized then that even his cabin was better than this. I steadied him back to his berth and shut out most of that deadly dampness. He asked for the “hypnotic 'injunction” (for his humor never left him), and though it was not yet the hour prescribed I could not deny it. It was impossible for him to lie down, even to recline, without great distress. The opiate made him drowsy, and he longed for the relief of sleep; but when it seemed about to possess him the struggle for air would bring him upright.

Breath returned; but I realized then that even his cabin was better than this. I helped him back to his bed and blocked out most of that suffocating dampness. He asked for the "hypnotic 'injunction" (his humor never faded), and although it wasn't the scheduled time, I couldn’t refuse him. It was impossible for him to lie down, even to recline, without significant discomfort. The drug made him sleepy, and he longed for the relief of sleep; but just when it seemed like he might drift off, the struggle for air would force him to sit up.

During the more comfortable moments he spoke quite in the old way, and time and again made an effort to read, and reached for his pipe or a cigar which lay in the little berth hammock at his side. I held the match, and he would take a puff or two with satisfaction. Then the peace of it would bring drowsiness, and while I supported him there would come a few moments, perhaps, of precious sleep. Only a few moments, for the devil of suffocation was always lying in wait to bring him back for fresh tortures. Over and over again this was repeated, varied by him being steadied on his feet or sitting on the couch opposite the berth. In spite of his suffering, two dominant characteristics remained—the sense of humor, and tender consideration for another.

During the more comfortable moments, he spoke in the old-fashioned way and repeatedly tried to read, reaching for his pipe or a cigar that lay in the small hammock beside him. I held the match, and he would take a puff or two with satisfaction. Then, the tranquility would bring drowsiness, and while I supported him, there would be a few moments, perhaps, of precious sleep. Only a few moments, though, because the torment of suffocation was always lurking, ready to bring him back for more agony. This happened over and over, sometimes with him being steadied on his feet or sitting on the couch opposite the hammock. Despite his suffering, two strong traits remained—the sense of humor and a tender consideration for others.

Once when the ship rolled and his hat fell from the hook, and made the circuit of the cabin floor, he said:

Once, when the ship tilted and his hat fell off the hook, rolling around the cabin floor, he said:

“The ship is passing the hat.”

“The ship is gathering donations.”

Again he said:

He said again:

“I am sorry for you, Paine, but I can't help it—I can't hurry this dying business. Can't you give me enough of the hypnotic injunction to put an end to me?”

“I’m sorry for you, Paine, but there’s nothing I can do—I can’t speed up this dying thing. Can’t you give me enough of the hypnotic stuff to end it all?”

He thought if I could arrange the pillows so he could sit straight up it would not be necessary to support him, and then I could sit on the couch and read while he tried to doze. He wanted me to read Jude, he said, so we could talk about it. I got all the pillows I could and built them up around him, and sat down with the book, and this seemed to give him contentment. He would doze off a little and then come up with a start, his piercing, agate eyes searching me out to see if I was still there. Over and over—twenty times in an hour—this was repeated. When I could deny him no longer I administered the opiate, but it never completely possessed him or gave him entire relief.

He thought that if I arranged the pillows so he could sit up straight, I wouldn’t need to support him, and then I could sit on the couch and read while he tried to nap. He wanted me to read Jude, he said, so we could discuss it. I gathered as many pillows as I could and propped them up around him, then sat down with the book, which seemed to make him happy. He would doze off a bit and then suddenly wake up, his sharp, intense eyes scanning for me to see if I was still there. This happened over and over—twenty times in an hour. When I could no longer deny him, I gave him the medication, but it never fully took effect or gave him complete relief.

As I looked at him there, so reduced in his estate, I could not but remember all the labor of his years, and all the splendid honor which the world had paid to him. Something of this may have entered his mind, too, for once, when I offered him some of the milder remedies which we had brought, he said:

As I looked at him there, so diminished in his condition, I couldn't help but remember all the hard work of his life and all the great respect the world had given him. He might have thought about this too, because once, when I offered him some of the gentler remedies we had brought, he said:

“After forty years of public effort I have become just a target for medicines.”

“After forty years of public service, I’ve just become a target for medications.”

The program of change from berth to the floor, from floor to the couch, from the couch back to the berth among the pillows, was repeated again and again, he always thinking of the trouble he might be making, rarely uttering any complaint; but once he said:

The routine of moving from the bed to the floor, then from the floor to the couch, and back again among the pillows was repeated over and over. He constantly worried about the inconvenience he might be causing and barely ever complained; but once he said:

“I never guessed that I was not going to outlive John Bigelow.” And again:

“I never thought I wouldn’t outlive John Bigelow.” And again:

“This is such a mysterious disease. If we only had a bill of particulars we'd have something to swear at.”

“This is such a mysterious disease. If we only had a detailed description, we'd have something to blame.”

Time and again he picked up Carlyle or the Cardigan Memoirs, and read, or seemed to read, a few lines; but then the drowsiness would come and the book would fall. Time and again he attempted to smoke, or in his drowse simulated the motion of placing a cigar to his lips and puffing in the old way.

Time and again he picked up Carlyle or the Cardigan Memoirs and read, or pretended to read, a few lines; but soon the drowsiness would set in and the book would drop. Time and again he tried to smoke, or in his drowsy state mimicked the motion of bringing a cigar to his lips and puffing like he used to.

Two dreams beset him in his momentary slumber—one of a play in which the title-role of the general manager was always unfilled. He spoke of this now and then when it had passed, and it seemed to amuse him. The other was a discomfort: a college assembly was attempting to confer upon him some degree which he did not want. Once, half roused, he looked at me searchingly and asked:

Two dreams troubled him during his short sleep—one about a play where the main role of the general manager was never filled. He mentioned this occasionally afterward, and it seemed to entertain him. The other was uncomfortable: a college gathering was trying to award him a degree he didn't want. Once, partially awake, he looked at me with curiosity and asked:

“Isn't there something I can resign and be out of all this? They keep trying to confer that degree upon me and I don't want it.” Then realizing, he said: “I am like a bird in a cage: always expecting to get out, and always beaten back by the wires.” And, somewhat later: “Oh, it is such a mystery, and it takes so long.”

“Isn’t there something I can quit to get away from all this? They keep trying to give me that degree, and I don’t want it.” Then he realized, “I’m like a bird in a cage: always hoping to get out, but always pushed back by the bars.” And, a little later, “Oh, it’s such a mystery, and it takes so long.”

Toward the evening of the first day, when it grew dark outside, he asked:

Toward the evening of the first day, when it got dark outside, he asked:

“How long have we been on this voyage?”

“How long have we been on this journey?”

I answered that this was the end of the first day.

I said that this was the end of the first day.

“How many more are there?” he asked.

“How many more are there?” he asked.

“Only one, and two nights.”

"Just one, for two nights."

“We'll never make it,” he said. “It's an eternity.”

“We'll never make it,” he said. “It feels like forever.”

“But we must on Clara's account,” I told him, and I estimated that Clara would be more than half-way across the ocean by now.

“But we have to for Clara's sake,” I told him, and I figured that Clara would be more than halfway across the ocean by now.

“It is a losing race,” he said; “no ship can outsail death.”

“It’s a losing battle,” he said; “no ship can outrun death.”

It has been written—I do not know with what proof—that certain great dissenters have recanted with the approach of death—have become weak, and afraid to ignore old traditions in the face of the great mystery. I wish to write here that Mark Twain, as he neared the end, showed never a single tremor of fear or even of reluctance. I have dwelt upon these hours when suffering was upon him, and death the imminent shadow, in order to show that at the end he was as he had always been, neither more nor less, and never less than brave.

It's been said—I don't know how true it is—that some prominent dissenters have recanted as they faced death—becoming weak and afraid to challenge old beliefs in the face of the great unknown. I want to say here that Mark Twain, as he approached the end, showed no signs of fear or hesitation. I've reflected on those moments when he was in pain and death loomed close, to demonstrate that at the end he remained just as he had always been—no more, no less, and never anything but brave.

Once, during a moment when he was comfortable and quite himself, he said, earnestly:

Once, during a moment when he was relaxed and completely at ease, he said, earnestly:

“When I seem to be dying I don't want to be stimulated back to life. I want to be made comfortable to go.”

“When I feel like I'm dying, I don’t want to be brought back to life. I just want to be made comfortable to pass on.”

There was not a vestige of hesitation; there was no grasping at straws, no suggestion of dread.

There was not a hint of hesitation; there was no scrambling for solutions, no sense of fear.

Somehow those two days and nights went by. Once, when he was partially relieved by the opiate, I slept, while Claude watched; and again, in the fading end of the last night, when we had passed at length into the cold, bracing northern air, and breath had come back to him, and with it sleep.

Somehow those two days and nights passed. Once, when he was somewhat helped by the painkiller, I slept while Claude kept watch; and again, in the fading light of the last night, when we had finally stepped into the cold, refreshing northern air, and breath returned to him, so did sleep.

Relatives, physicians, and news-gatherers were at the dock to welcome him. He was awake, and the northern air had brightened him, though it was the chill, I suppose, that brought on the pains in his breast, which, fortunately, he had escaped during the voyage. It was not a prolonged attack, and it was, blessedly, the last one.

Relatives, doctors, and reporters were at the dock to greet him. He was alert, and the northern air had energized him, though it was probably the cold that triggered the pain in his chest, which, luckily, he had avoided during the trip. It wasn't a long episode, and thankfully, it was the last one.

An invalid-carriage had been provided, and a compartment secured on the afternoon express to Redding—the same train that had taken him there two years before. Dr. Robert H. Halsey and Dr. Edward Quintard attended him, and he made the journey really in cheerful comfort, for he could breathe now, and in the relief came back old interests. Half reclining on the couch, he looked through the afternoon papers. It happened curiously that Charles Harvey Genung, who, something more than four years earlier, had been so largely responsible for my association with Mark Twain, was on the same train, in the same coach, bound for his country-place at New Hartford.

An invalid carriage had been arranged, and a compartment reserved on the afternoon express to Redding—the same train that had taken him there two years ago. Dr. Robert H. Halsey and Dr. Edward Quintard were with him, and he traveled in surprisingly cheerful comfort, as he could breathe now, and with that relief came back old interests. Half reclining on the couch, he looked through the afternoon papers. Interestingly, Charles Harvey Genung, who had been a major factor in my connection with Mark Twain more than four years earlier, was on the same train, in the same coach, heading to his country home in New Hartford.

Lounsbury was waiting with the carriage, and on that still, sweet April evening we drove him to Stormfield much as we had driven him two years before. Now and then he mentioned the apparent backwardness of the season, for only a few of the trees were beginning to show their green. As we drove into the lane that led to the Stormfield entrance, he said:

Lounsbury was waiting with the carriage, and on that calm, pleasant April evening, we drove him to Stormfield just like we had two years ago. Occasionally, he brought up how the season seemed behind schedule since only a few trees were starting to show their green leaves. As we entered the lane leading to the Stormfield entrance, he said:

“Can we see where you have built your billiard-room?”

“Can we see where you built your billiard room?”

The gable showed above the trees, and I pointed it out to him.

The gable was visible above the trees, and I pointed it out to him.

“It looks quite imposing,” he said.

"It looks pretty intimidating," he said.

I think it was the last outside interest he ever showed in anything. He had been carried from the ship and from the train, but when we drew up to Stormfield, where Mrs. Paine, with Katie Leary and others of the household, was waiting to greet him, he stepped from the carriage alone with something of his old lightness, and with all his old courtliness, and offered each one his hand. Then, in the canvas chair which we had brought, Claude and I carried him up-stairs to his room and delivered him to the physicians, and to the comforts and blessed air of home. This was Thursday evening, April 14, 1910.

I believe this was the last time he ever showed any interest in anything outside of himself. He had been carried off the ship and from the train, but when we arrived at Stormfield, where Mrs. Paine, Katie Leary, and others from the household were waiting to welcome him, he got out of the carriage on his own, displaying a bit of his old lightness and all of his old charm, shaking hands with everyone. Then, in the canvas chair we brought, Claude and I took him upstairs to his room and handed him over to the doctors, along with the comforts and fresh air of home. This was Thursday evening, April 14, 1910.





CCXCIII. THE RETURN TO THE INVISIBLE

There would be two days more before Ossip and Clara Gabrilowitsch could arrive. Clemens remained fairly bright and comfortable during this interval, though he clearly was not improving. The physicians denied him the morphine, now, as he no longer suffered acutely. But he craved it, and once, when I went in, he said, rather mournfully:

There were two more days until Ossip and Clara Gabrilowitsch could arrive. Clemens stayed relatively cheerful and at ease during this time, even though it was clear that he wasn’t getting better. The doctors had taken away his morphine since he wasn’t in severe pain anymore. But he longed for it, and once, when I walked in, he said, rather sadly:

“They won't give me the subcutaneous any more.”

“They won’t give me the injection under the skin anymore.”

It was Sunday morning when Clara came. He was cheerful and able to talk quite freely. He did not dwell upon his condition, I think, but spoke rather of his plans for the summer. At all events, he did not then suggest that he counted the end so near; but a day later it became evident to all that his stay was very brief. His breathing was becoming heavier, though it seemed not to give him much discomfort. His articulation also became affected. I think the last continuous talking he did was to Dr. Halsey on the evening of April 17th—the day of Clara's arrival. A mild opiate had been administered, and he said he wished to talk himself to sleep. He recalled one of his old subjects, Dual Personality, and discussed various instances that flitted through his mind—Jekyll and Hyde phases in literature and fact. He became drowsier as he talked. He said at last:

It was Sunday morning when Clara arrived. He was in good spirits and able to chat quite openly. He didn’t focus on his condition, I think, but rather talked about his plans for the summer. Either way, he didn’t suggest that he thought the end was so near; however, a day later, it was clear to everyone that his time was very short. His breathing was getting heavier, but it didn’t seem to cause him much discomfort. His speech also started to be affected. I think the last time he spoke continuously was to Dr. Halsey on the evening of April 17th—the day Clara got there. A mild sedative had been given, and he said he wanted to talk himself to sleep. He brought up one of his old topics, Dual Personality, and discussed various examples that crossed his mind—Jekyll and Hyde moments in literature and reality. He became sleepier as he talked. Finally, he said:

“This is a peculiar kind of disease. It does not invite you to read; it does not invite you to be read to; it does not invite you to talk, nor to enjoy any of the usual sick-room methods of treatment. What kind of a disease is that? Some kinds of sicknesses have pleasant features about them. You can read and smoke and have only to lie still.”

“This is a strange type of illness. It doesn’t make you want to read; it doesn’t make you want to be read to; it doesn’t make you want to talk or enjoy any of the typical ways of treating sickness in a sick room. What kind of illness is that? Some illnesses have nice aspects. You can read and smoke and just have to lie still.”

And a little later he added:

And a little while later, he said:

“It is singular, very singular, the laws of mentality—vacuity. I put out my hand to reach a book or newspaper which I have been reading most glibly, and it isn't there, not a suggestion of it.”

“It's really strange, very strange, how our minds work—it's emptiness. I reach out for a book or newspaper that I've been reading easily, but it's not there, not even a hint of it.”

He coughed violently, and afterward commented:

He coughed hard, and then said:

“If one gets to meddling with a cough it very soon gets the upper hand and is meddling with you. That is my opinion—of seventy-four years' growth.”

“If you start messing around with a cough, it quickly takes control and starts messing with you. That’s my take—after seventy-four years.”

The news of his condition, everywhere published, brought great heaps of letters, but he could not see them. A few messages were reported to him. At intervals he read a little. Suetonius and Carlyle lay on the bed beside him, and he would pick them up as the spirit moved him and read a paragraph or a page. Sometimes, when I saw him thus-the high color still in his face, and the clear light in his eyes—I said: “It is not reality. He is not going to die.” On Tuesday, the 19th, he asked me to tell Clara to come and sing to him. It was a heavy requirement, but she somehow found strength to sing some of the Scotch airs which he loved, and he seemed soothed and comforted. When she came away he bade her good-by, saying that he might not see her again.

The news of his condition was all over the place, resulting in a flood of letters, but he couldn’t read them. A few messages were relayed to him. Occasionally, he read a little. Suetonius and Carlyle were on the bed next to him, and he would pick them up when he felt like it and read a paragraph or a page. Sometimes, when I saw him like this—with the vibrant color still in his face and the clear light in his eyes—I thought: “This isn't real. He’s not going to die.” On Tuesday, the 19th, he asked me to tell Clara to come and sing to him. It was a tough request, but she somehow found the strength to sing some of the Scottish songs he loved, and he seemed soothed and comforted. When she left, he said goodbye, mentioning that he might not see her again.

But he lingered through the next day and the next. His mind was wandering a little on Wednesday, and his speech became less and less articulate; but there were intervals when he was quite clear, quite vigorous, and he apparently suffered little. We did not know it, then, but the mysterious messenger of his birth-year, so long anticipated by him, appeared that night in the sky.—[The perihelion of Halley's Comet for 1835 was November 16th; for 1910 it was April 20th.]

But he hung around for the next day and the one after that. His thoughts were a bit scattered on Wednesday, and his speech became less and less clear; but there were moments when he was completely lucid, totally energetic, and he seemed to be in minimal pain. We didn’t realize it at the time, but the mysterious messenger from his birth year, which he had anticipated for so long, showed up that night in the sky.—[The perihelion of Halley's Comet for 1835 was November 16th; for 1910 it was April 20th.]

On Thursday morning, the 21st, his mind was generally clear, and it was said by the nurses that he read a little from one of the volumes on his bed, from the Suetonius, or from one of the volumes of Carlyle. Early in the forenoon he sent word by Clara that he wished to see me, and when I came in he spoke of two unfinished manuscripts which he wished me to “throw away,” as he briefly expressed it, for he had not many words left now. I assured him that I would take care of them, and he pressed my hand. It was his last word to me.

On Thursday morning, the 21st, his mind was generally clear, and the nurses said he read a bit from one of the volumes on his bed, either Suetonius or one of Carlyle's books. Early in the morning, he sent a message through Clara saying he wanted to see me. When I came in, he talked about two unfinished manuscripts that he wanted me to “throw away,” as he put it briefly, since he didn’t have many words left. I assured him that I would take care of them, and he squeezed my hand. That was our last exchange.

Once or twice that morning he tried to write some request which he could not put into intelligible words.

Once or twice that morning, he tried to write a request that he couldn't express in clear words.

And once he spoke to Gabrilowitsch, who, he said, could understand him better than the others. Most of the time he dozed.

And once he talked to Gabrilowitsch, who, he said, could understand him better than the others. Most of the time he napped.

Somewhat after midday, when Clara was by him, he roused up and took her hand, and seemed to speak with less effort.

Somewhat after midday, when Clara was with him, he woke up and took her hand, seeming to speak with less effort.

“Good-by,” he said, and Dr. Quintard, who was standing near, thought he added: “If we meet”—but the words were very faint. He looked at her for a little while, without speaking, then he sank into a doze, and from it passed into a deeper slumber, and did not heed us any more.

“Goodbye,” he said, and Dr. Quintard, who was standing nearby, thought he added: “If we meet”—but the words were barely audible. He looked at her for a moment without saying anything, then he dozed off, and from that drifted into a deeper sleep, no longer aware of us.

Through that peaceful spring afternoon the life-wave ebbed lower and lower. It was about half past six, and the sun lay just on the horizon when Dr. Quintard noticed that the breathing, which had gradually become more subdued, broke a little. There was no suggestion of any struggle. The noble head turned a little to one side, there was a fluttering sigh, and the breath that had been unceasing through seventy-four tumultuous years had stopped forever.

Through that calm spring afternoon, the life force continued to fade away. It was around 6:30, and the sun was just touching the horizon when Dr. Quintard noticed the breathing, which had gradually become softer, falter for a moment. There was no hint of any struggle. The noble head tilted slightly to one side, a gentle sigh escaped, and the breath that had flowed non-stop for seventy-four eventful years had come to an end.

He had entered into the estate envied so long. In his own words—the words of one of his latest memoranda:

He had entered the estate that had been envied for so long. In his own words—the words from one of his latest notes:

“He had arrived at the dignity of death—the only earthly dignity that is not artificial—the only safe one. The others are traps that can beguile to humiliation.

“He had reached the true dignity of death—the only kind of dignity that isn’t fake—the only completely secure one. The others are traps that can lead to humiliation.

“Death—the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose refuge are for all—the soiled and the pure—the rich and the poor—the loved and the unloved.”

"Death—the only immortal that treats everyone the same, whose compassion, tranquility, and refuge are for all— the dirty and the clean—the wealthy and the destitute—the cherished and the forsaken."





CCXCIV. THE LAST RITES

It is not often that a whole world mourns. Nations have often mourned a hero—and races—but perhaps never before had the entire world really united in tender sorrow for the death of any man.

It's not often that the whole world grieves. Countries have mourned heroes—and even entire races—but perhaps never before has the entire globe truly come together in deep sadness for the loss of any one person.

In one of his aphorisms he wrote: “Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” And it was thus that Mark Twain himself had lived.

In one of his sayings he wrote: “Let’s try to live in a way that when we die, even the funeral director will feel sad.” And that’s how Mark Twain lived his life.

No man had ever so reached the heart of the world, and one may not even attempt to explain just why. Let us only say that it was because he was so limitlessly human that every other human heart, in whatever sphere or circumstance, responded to his touch. From every remote corner of the globe the cables of condolence swept in; every printed sheet in Christendom was filled with lavish tribute; pulpits forgot his heresies and paid him honor. No king ever died that received so rich a homage as his. To quote or to individualize would be to cheapen this vast offering.

No man had ever truly reached the heart of the world, and it's hard to say exactly why. Let's just say it was because he was so incredibly human that every other human heart, no matter their background or situation, felt a connection to him. From every far corner of the globe, messages of sympathy poured in; every publication in Christendom was filled with glowing tributes; religious leaders overlooked his disagreements and honored him. No king ever passed away who received such a rich tribute as his. To quote or single out individuals would only diminish this immense honor.

We took him to New York to the Brick Church, and Dr. Henry van Dyke spoke only a few simple words, and Joseph Twichell came from Hartford and delivered brokenly a prayer from a heart wrung with double grief, for Harmony, his wife, was nearing the journey's end, and a telegram that summoned him to her death-bed came before the services ended.

We took him to New York to the Brick Church, where Dr. Henry van Dyke spoke just a few simple words. Joseph Twichell came from Hartford and delivered a heartfelt prayer, struggling to hold back his emotions, as his wife Harmony was nearing the end of her life. A telegram calling him to her deathbed arrived before the service was over.

Mark Twain, dressed in the white he loved so well, lay there with the nobility of death upon him, while a multitude of those who loved him passed by and looked at his face for the last time. The flowers, of which so many had been sent, were banked around him; but on the casket itself lay a single laurel wreath which Dan Beard and his wife had woven from the laurel which grows on Stormfield hill. He was never more beautiful than as he lay there, and it was an impressive scene to see those thousands file by, regard him for a moment gravely, thoughtfully, and pass on. All sorts were there, rich and poor; some crossed themselves, some saluted, some paused a little to take a closer look; but no one offered even to pick a flower. Howells came, and in his book he says:

Mark Twain, dressed in the white he loved so much, lay there with the dignity of death surrounding him, while a crowd of those who cared for him passed by and looked at his face for the last time. The flowers, of which many had been sent, were arranged around him; but on the casket itself rested a single laurel wreath that Dan Beard and his wife had made from the laurel growing on Stormfield Hill. He had never looked more beautiful than he did in that moment, and it was striking to see thousands of people walking by, stopping for a moment to regard him seriously and thoughtfully before moving on. A mix of all kinds of people were there, rich and poor; some crossed themselves, others saluted, and some paused briefly to take a closer look; but no one even picked a flower. Howells came, and in his book, he says:

    I looked a moment at the face I knew so well; and it was patient
    with the patience I had so often seen in it: something of a puzzle,
    a great silent dignity, an assent to what must be from the depths of
    a nature whose tragical seriousness broke in the laughter which the
    unwise took for the whole of him.
I took a moment to look at the face I knew so well; it showed the same patience I had seen many times before: a bit of a mystery, a tremendous silent dignity, an acceptance of what had to be from the depths of a nature whose tragic seriousness shone through in the laughter that the foolish interpreted as his entire being.

That night we went with him to Elmira, and next day—a somber day of rain—he lay in those stately parlors that had seen his wedding-day, and where Susy had lain, and Mrs. Clemens, and Jean, while Dr. Eastman spoke the words of peace which separate us from our mortal dead. Then in the quiet, steady rain of that Sunday afternoon we laid him beside those others, where he sleeps well, though some have wished that, like De Soto, he might have been laid to rest in the bed of that great river which must always be associated with his name.

That night we went with him to Elmira, and the next day—a gloomy, rainy day—he lay in those impressive rooms that had seen his wedding, where Susy had lain, along with Mrs. Clemens and Jean, while Dr. Eastman spoke the words of peace that separate us from our loved ones who have passed away. Then, in the calm, persistent rain of that Sunday afternoon, we laid him beside those others, where he rests well, although some have wished that, like De Soto, he could have been buried in the waters of that great river forever associated with his name.





CCXCV. MARK TWAIN'S RELIGION

There is such a finality about death; however interesting it may be as an experience, one cannot discuss it afterward with one's friends. I have thought it a great pity that Mark Twain could not discuss, with Howells say, or with Twichell, the sensations and the particulars of the change, supposing there be a recognizable change, in that transition of which we have speculated so much, with such slender returns. No one ever debated the undiscovered country more than he. In his whimsical, semi-serious fashion he had considered all the possibilities of the future state—orthodox and otherwise—and had drawn picturesquely original conclusions. He had sent Captain Stormfield in a dream to report the aspects of the early Christian heaven. He had examined the scientific aspects of the more subtle philosophies. He had considered spiritualism, transmigration, the various esoteric doctrines, and in the end he had logically made up his mind that death concludes all, while with that less logical hunger which survives in every human heart he had never ceased to expect an existence beyond the grave. His disbelief and his pessimism were identical in their structure. They were of his mind; never of his heart.

There’s something so final about death; no matter how interesting it might be as an experience, you can’t talk about it afterwards with your friends. I think it’s a real shame that Mark Twain couldn’t discuss, say, the sensations and details of that transition with Howells or Twichell, assuming there’s a recognizable change, in that shift we’ve speculated so much about with such little evidence. No one ever pondered the unknown afterlife more than he did. In his quirky, half-serious style, he considered all the possibilities of what comes next—both traditional and unconventional—and came to vividly original conclusions. He even sent Captain Stormfield in a dream to check out what the early Christian heaven looked like. He explored the scientific aspects of the more intricate philosophies. He thought about spiritualism, reincarnation, various mysterious teachings, and in the end, he logically decided that death is the end, while that less rational longing that exists in every human heart led him to never stop hoping for a life after death. His skepticism and pessimism were built the same way. They were part of his intellect; never of his emotions.

Once a woman said to him:

Once a woman said to him:

“Mr. Clemens, you are not a pessimist, you only think you are.” And she might have added, with equal force and truth:

“Mr. Clemens, you’re not a pessimist; you just believe you are.” And she could have added, with equal strength and truth:

“You are not a disbeliever in immortality; you only think you are.”

“You don’t actually disbelieve in immortality; you just think you do.”

Nothing could have conveyed more truly his attitude toward life and death. His belief in God, the Creator, was absolute; but it was a God far removed from the Creator of his early teaching. Every man builds his God according to his own capacities. Mark Twain's God was of colossal proportions—so vast, indeed, that the constellated stars were but molecules in His veins—a God as big as space itself.

Nothing could express his attitude toward life and death more accurately. His belief in God, the Creator, was unwavering; however, it was a God that was very different from the one he learned about in his youth. Everyone shapes their own understanding of God based on their abilities. Mark Twain's God was immense—so huge, in fact, that the stars were just tiny particles in His veins—a God as vast as the universe itself.

Mark Twain had many moods, and he did not always approve of his own God; but when he altered his conception, it was likely to be in the direction of enlargement—a further removal from the human conception, and the problem of what we call our lives.

Mark Twain had a range of moods, and he didn’t always agree with his own idea of God; but when he changed his perspective, it usually meant expanding it—moving further away from human ideas and the issues we refer to as our lives.

In 1906 he wrote:—[See also 1870, chap. lxxviii; 1899, chap. ccv; and various talks, 1906-07, etc.]

In 1906 he wrote:—[See also 1870, chap. lxxviii; 1899, chap. ccv; and various talks, 1906-07, etc.]

    Let us now consider the real God, the genuine God, the great God,
    the sublime and supreme God, the authentic Creator of the real
    universe, whose remotenesses are visited by comets only comets unto
    which incredible distant Neptune is merely an out post, a Sandy Hook
    to homeward-bound specters of the deeps of space that have not
    glimpsed it before for generations—a universe not made with hands
    and suited to an astronomical nursery, but spread abroad through the
    illimitable reaches of space by the flat of the real God just
    mentioned, by comparison with whom the gods whose myriads infest the
    feeble imaginations of men are as a swarm of gnats scattered and
    lost in the infinitudes of the empty sky.
Let’s think about the real God, the true God, the great God, the sublime and supreme God, the authentic Creator of the actual universe, whose distant regions are visited only by comets—comets that Neptune, incredibly far away, is just a remote outpost for, like a Sandy Hook for ghosts making their way back from the depths of space that haven’t seen it in generations—a universe not created by human hands and meant for an astronomical nursery, but spread throughout the limitless reaches of space by the real God just mentioned, compared to whom the countless gods that clutter the weak imaginations of people are like a swarm of gnats scattered and lost in the vast emptiness of the sky.

At an earlier period-the date is not exactly fixable, but the stationery used and the handwriting suggest the early eighties—he set down a few concisely written pages of conclusions—conclusions from which he did not deviate materially in after years. The document follows:

At an earlier time—the exact date is hard to pinpoint, but the stationery used and the handwriting suggest the early eighties—he wrote a few clearly outlined pages of conclusions—conclusions he didn't significantly change in later years. The document follows:

    I believe in God the Almighty.

    I do not believe He has ever sent a message to man by anybody, or
    delivered one to him by word of mouth, or made Himself visible to
    mortal eyes at any time in any place.

    I believe that the Old and New Testaments were imagined and written
    by man, and that no line in them was authorized by God, much less
    inspired by Him.

    I think the goodness, the justice, and the mercy of God are
    manifested in His works: I perceive that they are manifested toward
    me in this life; the logical conclusion is that they will be
    manifested toward me in the life to come, if there should be one.

    I do not believe in special providences. I believe that the
    universe is governed by strict and immutable laws: If one man's
    family is swept away by a pestilence and another man's spared it is
    only the law working: God is not interfering in that small matter,
    either against the one man or in favor of the other.

    I cannot see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any
    good end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a
    man in order to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to
    annihilate him when he shall have proved himself incapable of
    reaching perfection might be reasonable enough; but to roast him
    forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him roast would not be
    reasonable—even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews would tire
    of the spectacle eventually.

    There may be a hereafter and there may not be. I am wholly
    indifferent about it. If I am appointed to live again I feel sure
    it will be for some more sane and useful purpose than to flounder
    about for ages in a lake of fire and brimstone for having violated a
    confusion of ill-defined and contradictory rules said (but not
    evidenced) to be of divine institution. If annihilation is to
    follow death I shall not be aware of the annihilation, and therefore
    shall not care a straw about it.

    I believe that the world's moral laws are the outcome of the world's
    experience. It needed no God to come down out of heaven to tell men
    that murder and theft and the other immoralities were bad, both for
    the individual who commits them and for society which suffers from
    them.

    If I break all these moral laws I cannot see how I injure God by it,
    for He is beyond the reach of injury from me—I could as easily
    injure a planet by throwing mud at it. It seems to me that my
    misconduct could only injure me and other men. I cannot benefit God
    by obeying these moral laws—I could as easily benefit the planet by
    withholding my mud. (Let these sentences be read in the light of
    the fact that I believe I have received moral laws only from man
    —none whatever from God.) Consequently I do not see why I should be
    either punished or rewarded hereafter for the deeds I do here.
I believe in God, the Almighty.

I don't think He has ever sent a message to anyone through another person, spoken directly to anyone, or made Himself visible to human eyes at any time or place.

I believe that the Old and New Testaments were created and written by people, and that no part of them was authorized by God, let alone inspired by Him.

I see God's goodness, justice, and mercy reflected in His creations: I feel they are shown to me in this life; the logical conclusion is that they will also be shown to me in the next life, if there is one.

I don’t believe in special providences. I think the universe is governed by strict and unchanging laws: If one person’s family is struck down by a plague while another’s is spared, it's just the law at work. God isn’t interfering in that situation, neither against one person nor in favor of the other.

I can't understand how eternal punishment could serve any good purpose, so I’m unable to believe in it. Correcting someone to help them improve might make sense; erasing them when they’ve proven they can't reach perfection might be reasonable; but punishing someone forever just for the sake of watching them suffer doesn’t seem reasonable—even the cruel God imagined by the Jews would surely tire of that eventually.

There might be an afterlife or there might not. I really don’t care either way. If I’m meant to live again, I trust it will be for a more sensible and useful reason than to suffer forever in a lake of fire for breaking a confusing set of vague and contradictory rules that are claimed (but not proven) to come from God. If annihilation follows death, I won’t be aware of it, so I won’t care about it at all.

I believe that the moral laws of the world come from human experience. It didn't require a God to come down from heaven to tell people that murder, theft, and other immoral acts are harmful both to the person committing them and to society as a whole.

If I break these moral laws, I can't see how I hurt God by doing so, since He is beyond being harmed by me—I could as easily hurt a planet by throwing mud at it. It seems to me that my misbehavior only harms me and other people. I can't benefit God by following these moral laws—I could just as well benefit the planet by holding back my mud. (Keep in mind that I believe I have received moral laws only from humans—none from God at all.) Therefore, I don't see why I should be punished or rewarded in the afterlife for what I do here.

If the tragedies of life shook his faith in the goodness and justice and the mercy of God as manifested toward himself, he at any rate never questioned that the wider scheme of the universe was attuned to the immutable law which contemplates nothing less than absolute harmony. I never knew him to refer to this particular document; but he never destroyed it and never amended it, nor is it likely that he would have done either had it been presented to him for consideration even during the last year of his life.

If the hardships of life made him doubt the goodness, justice, and mercy of God as it related to his own life, he still never questioned that the larger universe followed an unchanging law aimed at achieving complete harmony. I never saw him mention this specific document; however, he never got rid of it or changed it, nor would he have likely done so even if it had been brought to him for review in the last year of his life.

He was never intentionally dogmatic. In a memorandum on a fly-leaf of Moncure D. Conway's Sacred Anthology he wrote:

He was never intentionally rigid in his beliefs. In a note on a fly-leaf of Moncure D. Conway's Sacred Anthology, he wrote:

                       RELIGION
SPIRITUALITY

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The unwarranted certainty I have in understanding another person's religion makes me doubt my own.

                     MARK TWAIN, 19th Cent. A.D.
MARK TWAIN, 19th Century A.D.

And in another note:

And on another note:

I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion maybe. But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life hence it is a valuable possession to him.

I wouldn’t interfere with anyone's religion, whether to support it or undermine it. I can't believe that someone's religion can impact their afterlife, no matter what that religion is. However, it can definitely provide them with great comfort in this life, so it's a valuable thing for them to have.

Mark Twain's religion was a faith too wide for doctrines—a benevolence too limitless for creeds. From the beginning he strove against oppression, sham, and evil in every form. He despised meanness; he resented with every drop of blood in him anything that savored of persecution or a curtailment of human liberties. It was a religion identified with his daily life and his work. He lived as he wrote, and he wrote as he believed. His favorite weapon was humor—good-humor—with logic behind it. A sort of glorified truth it was truth wearing a smile of gentleness, hence all the more quickly heeded.

Mark Twain's faith was too broad for strict doctrines—a kindness too vast for rigid creeds. From the start, he fought against oppression, deceit, and evil in all its forms. He held contempt for meanness and resented with every ounce of his being anything that hinted at persecution or a restriction of human rights. His beliefs were intertwined with his everyday life and work. He lived as he wrote, and he wrote as he believed. His favorite tool was humor—good-natured humor—with logic backing it up. It was a kind of elevated truth, truth presented with a gentle smile, making it all the more readily accepted.

“He will be remembered with the great humorists of all time,” says Howells, “with Cervantes, with Swift, or with any others worthy of his company; none of them was his equal in humanity.”

“He will be remembered alongside the greatest humorists of all time,” says Howells, “with Cervantes, with Swift, or with anyone else deserving of his company; none of them matched him in humanity.”

Mark Twain understood the needs of men because he was himself supremely human. In one of his dictations he said:

Mark Twain knew what people needed because he was incredibly relatable himself. In one of his dictations, he said:

I have found that there is no ingredient of the race which I do not possess in either a small or a large way. When it is small, as compared with the same ingredient in somebody else, there is still enough of it for all the purposes of examination.

I have discovered that I have every trait of my race, whether it's in a small or large amount. Even when it's smaller compared to someone else's, I still have enough of it for all the purposes of examination.

With his strength he had inherited the weaknesses of our kind. With him, as with another, a myriad of dreams and schemes and purposes daily flitted by. With him, as with another, the spirit of desire led him often to a high mountain-top, and was not rudely put aside, but lingeringly—and often invited to return. With him, as with another, a crowd of jealousies and resentments, and wishes for the ill of others, daily went seething and scorching along the highways of the soul. With him, as with another, regret, remorse, and shame stood at the bedside during long watches of the night; and in the end, with him, the better thing triumphed—forgiveness and generosity and justice—in a word, Humanity. Certain of his aphorisms and memoranda each in itself constitutes an epitome of Mark Twain's creed. His paraphrase, “When in doubt tell the truth,” is one of these, and he embodied his whole attitude toward Infinity when in one of his stray pencilings he wrote:

With his strength, he also picked up the weaknesses of our kind. Just like anyone else, a bunch of dreams, plans, and goals flew past him every day. The desire within him often took him to lofty heights and wasn’t just ignored, but lingered—and often welcomed back. Like anyone else, he dealt with a mix of jealousy, resentment, and ill wishes toward others that constantly boiled within his soul. And like anyone else, regret, remorse, and shame kept him company during long nights; but in the end, the better part won out—forgiveness, generosity, and justice—in short, Humanity. Some of his sayings and notes each sum up Mark Twain's beliefs. His saying, “When in doubt, tell the truth,” is one of them, and he captured his entire perspective on the infinite when, in one of his random jottings, he wrote:

Why, even poor little ungodlike man holds himself responsible for the welfare of his child to the extent of his ability. It is all that we require of God.

Why, even poor little ungodlike man feels responsible for the well-being of his child as much as he can. That’s all we ask of God.





CCXCVI. POSTSCRIPT

Every life is a drama—a play in all its particulars; comedy, farce, tragedy—all the elements are there. To examine in detail any life, however conspicuous or obscure, is to become amazed not only at the inevitable sequence of events, but at the interlinking of details, often far removed, into a marvelously intricate pattern which no art can hope to reproduce, and can only feebly imitate.

Every life is a drama—a play in every aspect; comedy, farce, tragedy—all the elements are present. To closely examine any life, whether well-known or unknown, is to be amazed not just by the inevitable sequence of events but also by how seemingly unrelated details connect into a wonderfully intricate pattern that no art can hope to replicate, and can only weakly mimic.

The biographer may reconstruct an episode, present a picture, or reflect a mood by which the reader is enabled to feel something of the glow of personality and know, perhaps, a little of the substance of the past. In so far as the historian can accomplish this his work is a success. At best his labor will be pathetically incomplete, for whatever its detail and its resemblance to life, these will record mainly but an outward expression, behind which was the mighty sweep and tumult of unwritten thought, the overwhelming proportion of any life, which no other human soul can ever really know.

The biographer can recreate an event, paint a scene, or capture a mood that allows the reader to feel some of the essence of personality and perhaps gain a glimpse into the realities of the past. To the extent that the historian can achieve this, his work is successful. At best, his efforts will be sadly incomplete, because no matter how detailed or lifelike they may be, they will primarily capture just an external expression, behind which lies the vast expanse and chaos of unwritten thoughts—the overwhelming reality of any life that no other human can ever fully understand.

Mark Twain's appearance on the stage of the world was a succession of dramatic moments. He was always exactly in the setting. Whatever he did, or whatever came to him, was timed for the instant of greatest effect. At the end he was more widely observed and loved and honored than ever before, and at the right moment and in the right manner he died.

Mark Twain's entrance on the world stage was filled with dramatic moments. He always fit perfectly into the scene. Everything he did, or that happened to him, was perfectly timed for maximum impact. In the end, he was more widely seen, loved, and respected than he had ever been, and he died at just the right moment and in the right way.

How little one may tell of such a life as his! He traveled always such a broad and brilliant highway, with plumes flying and crowds following after. Such a whirling panorama of life, and death, and change! I have written so much, and yet I have put so much aside—and often the best things, it seemed afterward, perhaps because each in its way was best and the variety infinite. One may only strive to be faithful—and I would have made it better if I could.

How little can be said about a life like his! He always traveled along such a grand and vibrant path, with feathers flying and crowds trailing behind. It was a swirling scene of life, death, and change! I’ve written a lot, yet I’ve left so much out—and often it seemed like the best parts, perhaps because each was remarkable in its own way and the diversity was endless. One can only aim to be true to it—and I would have improved it if I could.

                       APPENDIX.
APPENDIX.




APPENDIX A

LETTER FROM ORION CLEMENS TO MISS WOOD CONCERNING HENRY CLEMENS

(See Chapter xxvi)

(See Chapter 26)

                         KEOKUK, Iowa, October 3, 1858.
KEOKUK, Iowa, October 3, 1858.

MISS WOOD,—My mother having sent me your kind letter, with a request that myself and wife should write to you, I hasten to do so.

MISS WOOD,—My mom sent me your lovely letter and asked me and my wife to write back to you, so I’m rushing to do that.

In my memory I can go away back to Henry's infancy; I see his large, blue eyes intently regarding my father when he rebuked him for his credulity in giving full faith to the boyish idea of planting his marbles, expecting a crop therefrom; then comes back the recollection of the time when, standing we three alone by our father's grave, I told them always to remember that brothers should be kind to each other; afterward I see Henry returning from school with his books for the last time. He must go into my printing-office. He learned rapidly. A word of encouragement or a word of discouragement told upon his organization electrically. I could see the effects in his day's work. Sometimes I would say, “Henry!” He would stand full front with his eyes upon mine—all attention. If I commanded him to do something, without a word he was off instantly, probably in a run. If a cat was to be drowned or shot Sam (though unwilling yet firm) was selected for the work. If a stray kitten was to be fed and taken care of Henry was expected to attend to it, and he would faithfully do so. So they grew up, and many was the grave lecture commenced by ma, to the effect that Sam was misleading and spoiling Henry. But the lectures were never concluded, for Sam would reply with a witticism, or dry, unexpected humor, that would drive the lecture clean out of my mother's mind, and change it to a laugh. Those were happier days. My mother was as lively as any girl of sixteen. She is not so now. And sister Pamela I have described in describing Henry; for she was his counterpart. The blow falls crushingly on her. But the boys grew up—Sam a rugged, brave, quick-tempered, generous-hearted fellow, Henry quiet, observing, thoughtful, leaning on Sam for protection; Sam and I too leaning on him for knowledge picked up from conversation or books, for Henry seemed never to forget anything, and devoted much of his leisure hours to reading.

In my memory, I can go back to Henry's childhood; I see his big, blue eyes focused on my father when he scolded him for believing in the childhood idea of planting his marbles, expecting to get a harvest from them. Then I remember the time when the three of us stood alone by our father's grave, and I told them to always remember that brothers should be kind to each other. After that, I see Henry coming home from school with his books for the last time. He had to come into my printing shop. He learned quickly. A word of encouragement or a word of discouragement affected him strongly. I could see the results in his work each day. Sometimes I would say, “Henry!” He would stand facing me, his eyes locked on mine—all focused. If I told him to do something, he would take off instantly, probably in a run. If a cat needed to be drowned or shot, Sam (though he didn’t want to, yet was resolute) was chosen for the job. If a stray kitten needed to be fed and cared for, Henry was expected to handle it, and he would do so faithfully. So they grew up, and many times Mom would start a serious lecture about how Sam was leading Henry astray and ruining him. But those talks never finished, because Sam would come back with a joke or some unexpected humor that would completely take Mom’s mind off the lecture and turn it into laughter. Those were happier times. My mom was as lively as any sixteen-year-old. She isn’t like that anymore. And sister Pamela was described along with Henry; she was his other half. The impact on her is heavy. But the boys grew up—Sam a tough, brave, quick-tempered, generous guy, and Henry quiet, observant, thoughtful, depending on Sam for protection; Sam and I also relied on him for knowledge gained from conversations or books, since Henry seemed to never forget anything and spent a lot of his free time reading.

Henry is gone! His death was horrible! How I could have sat by him, hung over him, watched day and night every change of expression, and ministered to every want in my power that I could discover. This was denied to me, but Sam, whose organization is such as to feel the utmost extreme of every feeling, was there. Both his capacity of enjoyment and his capacity of suffering are greater than mine; and knowing how it would have affected me to see so sad a scene, I can somewhat appreciate Sam's sufferings. In this time of great trouble, when my two brothers, whose heartstrings have always been a part of my own, were suffering the utmost stretch of mortal endurance, you were there, like a good angel, to aid and console, and I bless and thank you for it with my whole heart. I thank all who helped them then; I thank them for the flowers they sent to Henry, for the tears that fell for their sufferings, and when he died, and all of them for all the kind attentions they bestowed upon the poor boys. We thank the physicians, and we shall always gratefully remember the kindness of the gentleman who at so much expense to himself enabled us to deposit Henry's remains by our father.

Henry is gone! His death was terrible! How could I have sat beside him, hovered over him, watched his every expression day and night, and taken care of his every need that I could spot? I was not allowed to do this, but Sam, whose sensitivity feels everything to the fullest, was there. His ability to experience joy and pain is greater than mine; knowing how it would have affected me to witness such a heartbreaking scene, I can somewhat understand Sam's pain. In this time of great distress, when my two brothers, whose heartstrings have always been interconnected with mine, were enduring the ultimate limits of human suffering, you were there like a guardian angel to help and comfort them, and I bless and thank you for it with all my heart. I’m grateful to everyone who supported them during that time; I appreciate the flowers they sent to Henry, the tears shed for their suffering, and all those who showed kindness to the boys when he passed away. We are thankful to the doctors, and we will always remember with gratitude the gentleman who, at such a personal expense, helped us lay Henry to rest alongside our father.

With many kind wishes for your future welfare, I remain your earnest friend,

With lots of good wishes for your future happiness, I am your sincere friend,

                           Respectfully,
                                ORION CLEMENS.
Respectfully,  
                                ORION CLEMENS.




APPENDIX B

MARK TWAIN'S BURLESQUE OF CAPTAIN ISAIAH SELLERS

(See Chapter xxvii)

(See Chapter 27)

The item which served as a text for the “Sergeant Fathom” communication was as follows:

The item that was used as a text for the “Sergeant Fathom” communication was as follows:

                            VICKSBURG, May 4, 1859.
Vicksburg, May 4, 1859.
My opinion for the benefit of the citizens of New Orleans: The water is
higher this far up than it has been since 1815. My opinion is that the
water will be four feet deep in Canal Street before the first of next
June. Mrs. Turner's plantation at the head of Big Black Island is all
under water, and it has not been since 1815.                            I. SELLERS.—[Captain Sellers, as
                            in this case, sometimes signed
                            his own name to his
                            communications.]
My thoughts on what the citizens of New Orleans should know: The water level is higher here than it’s been since 1815. I believe the water will rise to four feet deep on Canal Street before next June. Mrs. Turner's plantation at the top of Big Black Island is completely underwater, which hasn’t happened since 1815.                            I. SELLERS.—[Captain Sellers sometimes signed his own name to his communications in this case.]

THE BURLESQUE INTRODUCTORY

THE BURLESQUE INTRODUCTION

Our friend Sergeant Fathom, one of the oldest cub pilots on the river, and now on the Railroad Line steamer Trombone, sends us a rather bad account concerning the state of the river. Sergeant Fathom is a “cub” of much experience, and although we are loath to coincide in his view of the matter, we give his note a place in our columns, only hoping that his prophecy will not be verified in this instance. While introducing the Sergeant, “we consider it but simple justice (we quote from a friend of his) to remark that he is distinguished for being, in pilot phrase, 'close,' as well as superhumanly 'safe.'” It is a well-known fact that he has made fourteen hundred and fifty trips in the New Orleans and St. Louis trade without causing serious damage to a steamboat. This astonishing success is attributed to the fact that he seldom runs his boat after early candle-light. It is related of the Sergeant that upon one occasion he actually ran the chute of Glasscock's Island, down-stream, in the night, and at a time, too, when the river was scarcely more than bank full. His method of accomplishing this feat proves what we have just said of his “safeness”—he sounded the chute first, and then built a fire at the head of the island to run by. As to the Sergeant's “closeness,” we have heard it whispered that he once went up to the right of the “Old Hen,”—[Glasscock's Island and the “Old Hen” were phenomenally safe places.]—but this is probably a pardonable little exaggeration, prompted by the love and admiration in which he is held by various ancient dames of his acquaintance (for albeit the Sergeant may have already numbered the allotted years of man, still his form is erect, his step is firm, his hair retains its sable hue, and, more than all, he hath a winning way about him, an air of docility and sweetness, if you will, and a smoothness of speech, together with an exhaustless fund of funny sayings; and, lastly, an overflowing stream, without beginning, or middle, or end, of astonishing reminiscences of the ancient Mississippi, which, taken together, form a 'tout ensemble' which is sufficient excuse for the tender epithet which is, by common consent, applied to him by all those ancient dames aforesaid, of “che-arming creature!”). As the Sergeant has been longer on the river, and is better acquainted with it than any other “cub” extant, his remarks are entitled to far more consideration, and are always read with the deepest interest by high and low, rich and poor, from “Kiho” to Kamschatka, for let it be known that his fame extends to the uttermost parts of the earth:

Our friend Sergeant Fathom, one of the most experienced cub pilots on the river, and currently with the Railroad Line steamer Trombone, has sent us a rather concerning update about the river's condition. Sergeant Fathom is a highly skilled “cub,” and even though we’re reluctant to agree with his perspective, we’re including his note in our columns, hoping that his warning won’t turn out to be accurate this time. In introducing the Sergeant, “we consider it only fair (we're quoting a friend of his) to point out that he is known for being, in pilot terms, 'close,' as well as exceptionally 'safe.'” It’s widely recognized that he has made fourteen hundred and fifty trips in the New Orleans and St. Louis trade without causing significant damage to a steamboat. This impressive track record is largely due to the fact that he rarely operates his boat after dark. There’s a story about the Sergeant that once, he actually navigated the chute at Glasscock's Island at night, when the river was barely at bankfull. His strategy for pulling off this feat confirms what we've just mentioned about his “safeness”—he checked the chute first and then made a fire at the head of the island to use as a guide. Regarding the Sergeant's “closeness,” we've heard rumors that he once went right of the “Old Hen”—[Glasscock's Island and the “Old Hen” were known for being incredibly safe.]—but this is likely a harmless exaggeration, fueled by the admiration of various older ladies who know him (even though the Sergeant may have already counted the years of a full life, he still stands tall, walks steadily, has retained his dark hair, and, more importantly, carries a charming demeanor, an air of friendliness and warmth, a smooth way of speaking, an endless supply of funny anecdotes, and ultimately, a vast collection of amazing stories about the old Mississippi, which together create a 'whole' that justifies the affectionate nickname given to him by all those older ladies: “che-arming creature!”). Since the Sergeant has spent more time on the river and knows it better than any other “cub” out there, his insights deserve far more attention and are always read with great interest by everyone from high to low, rich to poor, from “Kiho” all the way to Kamschatka, because it's worth noting that his reputation reaches the farthest corners of the earth:

THE COMMUNICATION

THE MESSAGE

R.R. Steamer Trombone, VICKSBURG, May 8, 1859.

R.R. Steamer Trombone, VICKSBURG, May 8, 1859.

The river from New Orleans up to Natchez is higher than it has been since the niggers were executed (which was in the fall of 1813) and my opinion is that if the rise continues at this rate the water will be on the roof of the St. Charles Hotel before the middle of January. The point at Cairo, which has not even been moistened by the river since 1813, is now entirely under water.

The river from New Orleans to Natchez is higher than it has been since the execution of the enslaved people (which was in the fall of 1813), and I believe that if the water keeps rising at this pace, it will reach the roof of the St. Charles Hotel before mid-January. The point at Cairo, which hasn't even seen the river touch it since 1813, is now completely submerged.

However, Mr. Editor, the inhabitants of the Mississippi Valley should not act precipitately and sell their plantations at a sacrifice on account of this prophecy of mine, for I shall proceed to convince them of a great fact in regard to this matter, viz.: that the tendency of the Mississippi is to rise less and less high every year (with an occasional variation of the rule), that such has been the case for many centuries, and eventually that it will cease to rise at all. Therefore, I would hint to the planters, as we say in an innocent little parlor game commonly called “draw,” that if they can only “stand the rise” this time they may enjoy the comfortable assurance that the old river's banks will never hold a “full” again during their natural lives.

However, Mr. Editor, the people living in the Mississippi Valley shouldn’t rush into selling their farms at a loss because of my prediction. I’m going to prove to them a key fact about this situation: the Mississippi River tends to flood less and less each year (with some occasional exceptions), and this has been true for many centuries. Eventually, it will stop flooding altogether. So, I want to suggest to the farmers, as we say in a simple parlor game called “draw,” that if they can just “weather the rise” this time, they can be assured that the river’s banks will never reach a “full” again during their lifetimes.

In the summer of 1763 I came down the river on the old first Jubilee. She was new then, however; a singular sort of a single-engine boat, with a Chinese captain and a Choctaw crew, forecastle on her stern, wheels in the center, and the jackstaff “nowhere,” for I steered her with a window-shutter, and when we wanted to land we sent a line ashore and “rounded her to” with a yoke of oxen.

In the summer of 1763, I traveled down the river on the old first Jubilee. She was new back then, though—an unusual single-engine boat, with a Chinese captain and a Choctaw crew, a forecastle at the back, wheels in the middle, and the jackstaff “nowhere,” because I steered her with a window shutter. When we wanted to land, we threw a line to the shore and “rounded her to” with a yoke of oxen.

Well, sir, we wooded off the top of the big bluff above Selmathe only dry land visible—and waited there three weeks, swapping knives and playing “seven up” with the Indians, waiting for the river to fall. Finally, it fell about a hundred feet, and we went on. One day we rounded to, and I got in a horse-trough, which my partner borrowed from the Indians up there at Selma while they were at prayers, and went down to sound around No. 8, and while I was gone my partner got aground on the hills at Hickman. After three days' labor we finally succeeded in sparring her off with a capstan bar, and went on to Memphis. By the time we got there the river had subsided to such an extent that we were able to land where the Gayoso House now stands. We finished loading at Memphis, and loaded part of the stone for the present St. Louis Court House (which was then in process of erection), to be taken up on our return trip.

Well, sir, we camped at the top of the big bluff above Selma, where the only dry land was visible, and waited there for three weeks, trading knives and playing “seven up” with the Indians while we waited for the river to go down. Finally, it dropped about a hundred feet, and we moved on. One day we stopped, and I got into a horse trough that my partner borrowed from the Indians at Selma while they were praying, and I went to check around No. 8. While I was gone, my partner got stuck on the hills at Hickman. After three days of hard work, we finally managed to get her off with a capstan bar and continued on to Memphis. By the time we arrived, the river had gone down enough that we could land where the Gayoso House now stands. We finished loading in Memphis and also loaded some of the stone for what is now the St. Louis Courthouse, which was then being built, to take back on our return trip.

You can form some conception, by these memoranda, of how high the water was in 1763. In 1775 it did not rise so high by thirty feet; in 1790 it missed the original mark at least sixty-five feet; in 1797, one hundred and fifty feet; and in 1806, nearly two hundred and fifty feet. These were “high-water” years. The “high waters” since then have been so insignificant that I have scarcely taken the trouble to notice them. Thus, you will perceive that the planters need not feel uneasy. The river may make an occasional spasmodic effort at a flood, but the time is approaching when it will cease to rise altogether.

You can get an idea, from these notes, of how high the water was in 1763. In 1775, it didn’t rise as high by thirty feet; in 1790, it missed the original mark by at least sixty-five feet; in 1797, one hundred and fifty feet; and in 1806, nearly two hundred and fifty feet. These were “high-water” years. The “high waters” since then have been so small that I’ve hardly bothered to notice them. So, you can see that the planters don't need to worry. The river may make an occasional sudden attempt at a flood, but the time is coming when it will stop rising altogether.

In conclusion, sir, I will condescend to hint at the foundation of these arguments: When me and De Soto discovered the Mississippi I could stand at Bolivar Landing (several miles above “Roaring Waters Bar”) and pitch a biscuit to the main shore on the other side, and in low water we waded across at Donaldsonville. The gradual widening and deepening of the river is the whole secret of the matter.

In conclusion, sir, I’ll briefly touch on the basis of these arguments: When De Soto and I discovered the Mississippi, I could stand at Bolivar Landing (a few miles above “Roaring Waters Bar”) and toss a biscuit to the main shore on the other side, and during low water we could wade across at Donaldsonville. The steady widening and deepening of the river is the key to the whole issue.

                     Yours, etc.
                            SERGEANT FATHOM.
Best,  
SERGEANT FATHOM.




APPENDIX C.

I. MARK TWAIN'S EMPIRE CITY HOAX (See Chapter xli) THE LATEST SENSATION.

I. MARK TWAIN'S EMPIRE CITY HOAX (See Chapter xli) THE LATEST SENSATION.

    A Victim to Jeremy Diddling Trustees—He Cuts his Throat from Ear to
    Ear, Scalps his Wife, and Dashes Out the Brains of Six Helpless
    Children!
    A Victim to Jeremy Diddling Trustees—He Slits His Throat from Ear to Ear, Scalp His Wife, and Dashes Out the Brains of Six Helpless Children!

From Abram Curry, who arrived here yesterday afternoon from Carson, we learn the following particulars concerning a bloody massacre which was committed in Ormsby County night before last. It seems that during the past six months a man named P. Hopkins, or Philip Hopkins, has been residing with his family in the old log-house just at the edge of the great pine forest which lies between Empire City and Dutch Nick's. The family consisted of nine children—five girls and four boys—the oldest of the group, Mary, being nineteen years old, and the youngest, Tommy, about a year and a half. Twice in the past two months Mrs. Hopkins, while visiting Carson, expressed fears concerning the sanity of her husband, remarking that of late he had been subject to fits of violence, and that during the prevalence of one of these he had threatened to take her life. It was Mrs. Hopkins's misfortune to be given to exaggeration, however, and but little attention was given to what she said.

From Abram Curry, who arrived here yesterday afternoon from Carson, we learned the following details about a brutal massacre that happened in Ormsby County the night before last. It turns out that for the past six months, a man named P. Hopkins, or Philip Hopkins, has been living with his family in an old log cabin right at the edge of the vast pine forest between Empire City and Dutch Nick's. The family had nine children—five girls and four boys—the oldest being Mary at nineteen years old, and the youngest, Tommy, around a year and a half. Twice in the past two months, Mrs. Hopkins, while visiting Carson, expressed concerns about her husband's sanity, noting that lately he had experienced violent outbursts, and during one of these episodes, he threatened her life. Unfortunately, Mrs. Hopkins had a tendency to exaggerate, so people didn't take her seriously.

About 10 o'clock on Monday evening Hopkins dashed into Carson on horseback, with his throat cut from ear to ear, and bearing in his hand a reeking scalp, from which the warm, smoking blood was still dripping, and fell in a dying condition in front of the Magnolia saloon. Hopkins expired, in the course of five minutes, without speaking. The long, red hair of the scalp he bore marked it as that of Mrs. Hopkins. A number of citizens, headed by Sheriff Gasherie, mounted at once and rode down to Hopkins's house, where a ghastly scene met their eyes. The scalpless corpse of Mrs. Hopkins lay across the threshold, with her head split open and her right hand almost severed from the wrist. Near her lay the ax with which the murderous deed had been committed. In one of the bedrooms six of the children were found, one in bed and the others scattered about the floor. They were all dead. Their brains had evidently been dashed out with a club, and every mark about them seemed to have been made with a blunt instrument. The children must have struggled hard for their lives, as articles of clothing and broken furniture were strewn about the room in the utmost confusion. Julia and Emma, aged respectively fourteen and seventeen, were found in the kitchen, bruised and insensible, but it is thought their recovery is possible. The eldest girl, Mary, must have sought refuge, in her terror, in the garret, as her body was found there frightfully mutilated, and the knife with which her wounds had been inflicted still sticking in her side. The two girls Julia and Emma, who had recovered sufficiently to be able to talk yesterday morning, declare that their father knocked them down with a billet of wood and stamped on them. They think they were the first attacked. They further state that Hopkins had shown evidence of derangement all day, but had exhibited no violence. He flew into a passion and attempted to murder them because they advised him to go to bed and compose his mind.

Around 10 o'clock on Monday night, Hopkins rode into Carson on horseback with his throat slashed from ear to ear, holding a bloody scalp in his hand, from which warm blood was still dripping. He collapsed in front of the Magnolia saloon, dying within five minutes without saying a word. The long, red hair on the scalp identified it as belonging to Mrs. Hopkins. A group of townspeople, led by Sheriff Gasherie, quickly mounted their horses and rode to Hopkins's house, where they were met with a horrifying scene. The scalped body of Mrs. Hopkins lay across the threshold, her head split open and her right hand nearly severed at the wrist. Nearby was the ax that had been used in the brutal attack. In one of the bedrooms, six of the children were found—one in bed and the others scattered across the floor. They were all dead, their brains brutally smashed in with a blunt object, and signs of a struggle were evident, with clothing and broken furniture thrown around the room in chaos. Julia and Emma, aged fourteen and seventeen respectively, were discovered in the kitchen, bruised and unconscious, but it's believed they could recover. The eldest girl, Mary, apparently sought refuge in the attic, where her body was found in a horrific state, with the knife used to inflict her wounds still lodged in her side. The two girls, Julia and Emma, who had recovered enough to speak by yesterday morning, reported that their father struck them down with a piece of wood and stomped on them. They believe they were the first targets. They added that Hopkins had shown signs of mental instability throughout the day but had not been violent until he exploded in rage and tried to kill them after they advised him to go to bed and calm down.

Curry says Hopkins was about forty-two years of age, and a native of western Pennsylvania; he was always affable and polite, and until very recently no one had ever heard of his ill-treating his family. He had been a heavy owner in the best mines of Virginia and Gold Hill, but when the San Francisco papers exposed our game of cooking dividends in order to bolster up our stocks he grew afraid and sold out, and invested an immense amount in the Spring Valley Water Company, of San Francisco. He was advised to do this by a relative of his, one of the editors of the San Francisco Bulletin, who had suffered pecuniarily by the dividend-cooking system as applied to the Daney Mining Company recently. Hopkins had not long ceased to own in the various claims on the Comstock lead, however, when several dividends were cooked on his newly acquired property, their water totally dried up, and Spring Valley stock went down to nothing. It is presumed that this misfortune drove him mad, and resulted in his killing himself and the greater portion of his family. The newspapers of San Francisco permitted this water company to go on borrowing money and cooking dividends, under cover of which the cunning financiers crept out of the tottering concern, leaving the crash to come upon poor and unsuspecting stockholders, without offering to expose the villainy at work. We hope the fearful massacre detailed above may prove the saddest result of their silence.

Curry says Hopkins was about forty-two years old and originally from western Pennsylvania. He was always friendly and polite, and until recently, no one had ever heard of him mistreating his family. He had owned significant shares in the top mines in Virginia and Gold Hill, but when the San Francisco newspapers uncovered our scheme of manipulating dividends to support our stocks, he got scared and sold out. He invested a huge amount in the Spring Valley Water Company in San Francisco, based on advice from a relative, one of the editors of the San Francisco Bulletin, who had lost money due to the dividend manipulation scheme with the Daney Mining Company recently. Not long after he sold his various claims on the Comstock lead, several dividends were falsified on his newly acquired property, their water completely dried up, and Spring Valley stock plummeted. It's believed that this disaster drove him to madness, leading him to kill himself and most of his family. The newspapers in San Francisco allowed this water company to continue borrowing money and cooking dividends, under which the crafty financiers slipped away from the crumbling business, leaving the crash to hit the poor, unsuspecting shareholders, without exposing the wrongdoing at play. We fear that the tragic massacre mentioned above may be the saddest outcome of their silence.

II. NEWS-GATHERING WITH MARK TWAIN.

II. NEWS COLLECTION WITH MARK TWAIN.

Alfred Doten's son gives the following account of a reporting trip made by his father and Mark Twain, when the two were on Comstock papers:

Alfred Doten's son shares this story about a reporting trip taken by his father and Mark Twain while they were working for Comstock papers:

My father and Mark Twain were once detailed to go over to Como and write up some new mines that had been discovered over there. My father was on the Gold Hill News. He and Mark had not met before, but became promptly acquainted, and were soon calling each other by their first names.

My dad and Mark Twain were once assigned to go to Como and report on some new mines that had been discovered there. My dad worked for the Gold Hill News. He and Mark hadn't met before, but they quickly got to know each other and soon started calling each other by their first names.

They went to a little hotel at Carson, agreeing to do their work there together next morning. When morning came they set out, and suddenly on a corner Mark stopped and turned to my father, saying:

They went to a small hotel in Carson, agreeing to work together there the next morning. When morning arrived, they headed out, and suddenly on a corner, Mark stopped and turned to my father, saying:

“By gracious, Alf! Isn't that a brewery?”

“Wow, Alf! Isn’t that a brewery?”

“It is, Mark. Let's go in.”

“It is, Mark. Let's go inside.”

They did so, and remained there all day, swapping yarns, sipping beer, and lunching, going back to the hotel that night.

They did that and stayed there all day, sharing stories, drinking beer, and having lunch, then going back to the hotel that night.

The next morning precisely the same thing occurred. When they were on the same corner, Mark stopped as if he had never been there before, and sand:

The next morning, the exact same thing happened. When they reached the same corner, Mark stopped as if he had never been there before, and said:

“Good gracious, Alf! Isn't that a brewery?”

“Wow, Alf! Is that a brewery?”

“It is, Mark. Let's go in.”

“It is, Mark. Let’s go in.”

So again they went in, and again stayed all day.

So they went in again, and once more stayed all day.

This happened again the next morning, and the next. Then my father became uneasy. A letter had come from Gold Hill, asking him where his report of the mines was. They agreed that next morning they would really begin the story; that they would climb to the top of a hill that overlooked the mines, and write it from there.

This happened again the next morning and the morning after that. Then my dad started to feel anxious. A letter arrived from Gold Hill asking him where his report on the mines was. They decided that the following morning they would actually start the story; they would hike to the top of a hill that overlooked the mines and write it from there.

But the next morning, as before, Mark was surprised to discover the brewery, and once more they went in. A few moments later, however, a man who knew all about the mines—a mining engineer connected with them—came in. He was a godsend. My father set down a valuable, informing story, while Mark got a lot of entertaining mining yarns out of him.

But the next morning, just like before, Mark was surprised to find the brewery, and they went in again. A little while later, though, a man who was well-informed about the mines—a mining engineer involved with them—showed up. He was a blessing. My father shared a valuable, informative story, while Mark got plenty of entertaining mining tales from him.

Next day Virginia City and Gold Hill were gaining information from my father's article, and entertainment from Mark's story of the mines.

The next day, Virginia City and Gold Hill were getting information from my father's article and entertainment from Mark's story about the mines.





APPENDIX D

FROM MARK TWAIN'S FIRST LECTURE, DELIVERED OCTOBER 2, 1866.

(See Chapter liv) HAWAIIAN IMPORTANCE TO AMERICA.

(See Chapter 54) HAWAIIAN IMPORTANCE TO AMERICA.

After a full elucidation of the sugar industry of the Sandwich Islands, its profits and possibilities, he said:

After explaining the sugar industry of the Sandwich Islands in detail, along with its profits and potential, he said:

I have dwelt upon this subject to show you that these islands have a genuine importance to America—an importance which is not generally appreciated by our citizens. They pay revenues into the United States Treasury now amounting to over a half a million a year.

I have focused on this topic to demonstrate that these islands are genuinely significant to America—an importance that isn't widely recognized by our citizens. They contribute over half a million dollars a year to the United States Treasury.

I do not know what the sugar yield of the world is now, but ten years ago, according to the Patent Office reports, it was 800,000 hogsheads. The Sandwich Islands, properly cultivated by go-ahead Americans, are capable of providing one-third as much themselves. With the Pacific Railroad built, the great China Mail Line of steamers touching at Honolulu—we could stock the islands with Americans and supply a third of the civilized world with sugar—and with the silkiest, longest-stapled cotton this side of the Sea Islands, and the very best quality of rice.... The property has got to fall to some heir, and why not the United States?

I’m not sure what the world's sugar yield is now, but ten years ago, according to the Patent Office reports, it was 800,000 hogsheads. The Sandwich Islands, when properly cultivated by ambitious Americans, could provide about a third of that amount themselves. With the Pacific Railroad built and the main China Mail Line of steamers stopping at Honolulu, we could populate the islands with Americans and supply a third of the civilized world with sugar—as well as the silkiest, longest-stapled cotton on this side of the Sea Islands, and the best quality of rice... This property is bound to go to some heir, so why not the United States?

NATIVE PASSION FOR FUNERALS

NATIVE PASSION FOR FUNERALS

They are very fond of funerals. Big funerals are their main weakness. Fine grave clothes, fine funeral appointments, and a long procession are things they take a generous delight in. They are fond of their chief and their king; they reverence them with a genuine reverence and love them with a warm affection, and often look forward to the happiness they will experience in burying them. They will beg, borrow, or steal money enough, and flock from all the islands, to be present at a royal funeral on Oahu. Years ago a Kanaka and his wife were condemned to be hanged for murder. They received the sentence with manifest satisfaction because it gave an opening for a funeral, you know. All they care for is a funeral. It makes but little difference to them whose it is; they would as soon attend their own funeral as anybody else's. This couple were people of consequence, and had landed estates. They sold every foot of ground they had and laid it out in fine clothes to be hung in. And the woman appeared on the scaffold in a white satin dress and slippers and fathoms of gaudy ribbon, and the man was arrayed in a gorgeous vest, blue claw-hammer coat and brass buttons, and white kid gloves. As the noose was adjusted around his neck, he blew his nose with a grand theatrical flourish, so as to show his embroidered white handkerchief. I never, never knew of a couple who enjoyed hanging more than they did.

They really love funerals. Big funerals are their biggest weakness. They take great pleasure in nice funeral attire, elegant arrangements, and long processions. They have a deep affection for their chief and their king; they truly respect them and love them warmly, often eagerly anticipating the joy they'll get from burying them. They will do whatever it takes—beg, borrow, or even steal money—to be present at a royal funeral on Oahu. Years ago, a Kanaka couple was sentenced to hang for murder. They accepted the sentence with obvious satisfaction because it meant they could have a funeral, you know. All they care about is a funeral. It doesn't matter whose it is; they would just as soon attend their own as anyone else's. This couple was significant in their community and owned land. They sold all their property and spent it on fancy clothes for the occasion. The woman appeared on the scaffold in a white satin dress and slippers, adorned with yards of bright ribbon, while the man wore an elaborate vest, a blue claw-hammer coat with brass buttons, and white kid gloves. As the noose was being put around his neck, he dramatically blew his nose to display his embroidered white handkerchief. I’ve never known a couple who enjoyed their hanging more than they did.

VIEW FROM HALEAKALA

VIEW FROM HALEAKALA

It is a solemn pleasure to stand upon the summit of the extinct crater of Haleakala, ten thousand feet above the sea, and gaze down into its awful crater, 27 miles in circumference and ago feet deep, and to picture to yourself the seething world of fire that once swept up out of the tremendous abyss ages ago.

It’s a serious pleasure to be at the top of the extinct crater of Haleakala, ten thousand feet above the ocean, and look down into its incredible crater, 27 miles around and thousands of feet deep, and to imagine the swirling world of fire that once erupted from this massive void ages ago.

The prodigious funnel is dead and silent now, and even has bushes growing far down in its bottom, where the deep-sea line could hardly have reached in the old times, when the place was filled with liquid lava. These bushes look like parlor shrubs from the summit where you stand, and the file of visitors moving through them on their mules is diminished to a detachment of mice almost; and to them you, standing so high up against the sun, ten thousand feet above their heads, look no larger than a grasshopper.

The enormous funnel is quiet and still now, and even has bushes growing deep down in its bottom, where the deep-sea line could hardly have reached in the past, when the area was filled with molten lava. From the viewpoint where you stand, these bushes look like potted plants, and the line of visitors making their way through them on their mules seems almost like a group of mice; and to them, you, standing so high up against the sun, ten thousand feet above their heads, look no bigger than a grasshopper.

This in the morning; but at three or four in the afternoon a thousand little patches of white clouds, like handfuls of wool, come drifting noiselessly, one after another, into the crater, like a procession of shrouded phantoms, and circle round and round the vast sides, and settle gradually down and mingle together until the colossal basin is filled to the brim with snowy fog and all its seared and desolate wonders are hidden from sight.

This happens in the morning; but by three or four in the afternoon, thousands of little white clouds, like handfuls of wool, drift in quietly, one after another, into the crater, resembling a procession of covered spirits. They swirl around the vast sides and slowly settle down, blending together until the enormous basin is filled to the top with fluffy fog, hiding all its scorched and barren wonders from view.

And then you may turn your back to the crater and look far away upon the broad valley below, with its sugar-houses glinting like white specks in the distance, and the great sugar-fields diminished to green veils amid the lighter-tinted verdure around them, and abroad upon the limitless ocean. But I should not say you look down; you look up at these things.

And then you can turn your back to the crater and look far out at the wide valley below, with its sugar houses shining like tiny white dots in the distance, and the large sugar fields reduced to green veils among the lighter-colored greenery around them, and out at the endless ocean. But I shouldn't say you look down; you look up at these things.

You are ten thousand feet above them, but yet you seem to stand in a basin, with the green islands here and there, and the valleys and the wide ocean, and the remote snow-peak of Mauna Loa, all raised up before and above you, and pictured out like a brightly tinted map hung at the ceiling of a room.

You are ten thousand feet above them, but you feel like you're standing in a basin, with green islands scattered around, valleys, the vast ocean, and the distant snow-capped peak of Mauna Loa all laid out in front of you, like a colorful map hanging from the ceiling of a room.

You look up at everything; nothing is below you. It has a singular and startling effect to see a miniature world thus seemingly hung in mid-air.

You look up at everything; nothing is below you. It has a unique and striking effect to see a tiny world seemingly floating in mid-air.

But soon the white clouds come trooping along in ghostly squadrons and mingle together in heavy masses a quarter of a mile below you and shut out everything-completely hide the sea and all the earth save the pinnacle you stand on. As far as the eye can reach, it finds nothing to rest upon but a boundless plain of clouds tumbled into all manner of fantastic shapes-a billowy ocean of wool aflame with the gold and purple and crimson splendors of the setting sun! And so firm does this grand cloud pavement look that you can hardly persuade yourself that you could not walk upon it; that if you stepped upon it you would plunge headlong and astonish your friends at dinner ten thousand feet below.

But soon, white clouds start gathering in ghostly groups and blend together into thick masses a quarter of a mile below you, completely blocking everything—hiding the sea and all the land except for the peak you're standing on. As far as your eyes can see, there's nothing to focus on except an endless expanse of clouds shaped into all sorts of amazing forms—a billowy ocean of fluff glowing with the gold, purple, and crimson brilliance of the setting sun! The cloud surface looks so solid that you can hardly convince yourself that you couldn’t walk on it; that if you did, you’d fall straight down and surprise your friends at dinner ten thousand feet below.

Standing on that peak, with all the world shut out by that vast plain of clouds, a feeling of loneliness comes over a man which suggests to his mind the last man at the flood, perched high upon the last rock, with nothing visible on any side but a mournful waste of waters, and the ark departing dimly through the distant mists and leaving him to storm and night and solitude and death!

Standing on that peak, with the whole world blocked out by a wide stretch of clouds, a sense of loneliness washes over a person, reminding them of the last man at the flood, sitting high on the last rock, surrounded only by a desolate expanse of water, watching the ark fading into the distant mist, leaving him to face storms, darkness, solitude, and death!





NOTICE OF MARK TWAIN'S LECTURE

“THE TROUBLE IS OVER”

“The inimitable Mark Twain, delivered himself last night of his first lecture on the Sandwich Islands, or anything else.

“The one and only Mark Twain gave his first lecture last night on the Sandwich Islands or anything else.”

“Some time before the hour appointed to open his head the Academy of Music (on Pine Street) was densely crowded with one of the most fashionable audiences it was ever my privilege to witness during my long residence in this city. The Elite of the town were there, and so was the Governor of the State, occupying one of the boxes, whose rotund face was suffused with a halo of mirth during the whole entertainment. The audience promptly notified Mark by the usual sign—stamping—that the auspicious hour had arrived, and presently the lecturer came sidling and swinging out from the left of the stage. His very manner produced a generally vociferous laugh from the assemblage. He opened with an apology, by saying that he had partly succeeded in obtaining a band, but at the last moment the party engaged backed out. He explained that he had hired a man to play the trombone, but he, on learning that he was the only person engaged, came at the last moment and informed him that he could not play. This placed Mark in a bad predicament, and wishing to know his reasons for deserting him at that critical moment, he replied, 'That he wasn't going to make a fool of himself by sitting up there on the stage and blowing his horn all by himself.' After the applause subsided, he assumed a very grave countenance and commenced his remarks proper with the following well-known sentence: 'When, in the course of human events,' etc. He lectured fully an hour and a quarter, and his humorous sayings were interspersed with geographical, agricultural, and statistical remarks, sometimes branching off and reaching beyond, soaring, in the very choicest language, up to the very pinnacle of descriptive power.”

“Some time before the scheduled start, the Academy of Music (on Pine Street) was packed with one of the most fashionable crowds I've ever seen during my time in this city. The town's elite were present, along with the Governor of the State, who occupied one of the boxes and wore a broad smile throughout the performance. The audience quickly signaled Mark with the traditional stomping that the time had come, and soon the lecturer appeared from the left side of the stage, sidestepping and swinging. His presence elicited a loud laugh from the crowd. He began with an apology, explaining that he had made some effort to secure a band, but at the last moment, the group he had booked backed out. He shared that he had hired a trombone player, but when the player learned he was the only one hired, he showed up at the last minute and said he couldn’t perform. This left Mark in a tricky spot, and when he asked the player why he abandoned him at such a crucial time, the guy replied, 'I’m not going to make a fool of myself by sitting up there on the stage and playing my horn all alone.' After the audience calmed down from the laughter, he put on a serious face and kicked off his main remarks with the phrase: 'When, in the course of human events,' etc. He lectured for a full hour and fifteen minutes, blending humor with geographical, agricultural, and statistical comments, sometimes veering off and soaring, in the very best language, to the height of descriptive expression.”





APPENDIX E

FROM “THE JUMPING FROG” BOOK (MARK TWAIN'S FIRST PUBLISHED VOLUME)

(See Chapters lviii and lix)

(See Chapters 58 and 59)

I. ADVERTISEMENT

I. ADVERTISEMENT

“Mark Twain” is too well known to the public to require a formal introduction at my hands. By his story of the Frog he scaled the heights of popularity at a single jump and won for himself the 'sobriquet' of The Wild Humorist of the Pacific Slope. He is also known to fame as The Moralist of the Main; and it is not unlikely that as such he will go down to posterity. It is in his secondary character, as humorist, however, rather than in the primal one of moralist, that I aim to present him in the present volume. And here a ready explanation will be found for the somewhat fragmentary character of many of these sketches; for it was necessary to snatch threads of humor wherever they could be found—very often detaching them from serious articles and moral essays with which they were woven and entangled. Originally written for newspaper publication, many of the articles referred to events of the day, the interest of which has now passed away, and contained local allusions, which the general reader would fail to understand; in such cases excision became imperative. Further than this, remark or comment is unnecessary. Mark Twain never resorts to tricks of spelling nor rhetorical buffoonery for the purpose of provoking a laugh; the vein of his humor runs too rich and deep to make surface gliding necessary. But there are few who can resist the quaint similes, keen satire, and hard, good sense which form the staple of his writing.

“Mark Twain” is so well known that I don’t need to introduce him. With his Frog story, he skyrocketed to fame and earned the nickname The Wild Humorist of the Pacific Slope. He’s also recognized as The Moralizer of the Main, and it’s likely that he will be remembered for that. However, in this volume, I aim to showcase him more as a humorist than as a moralist. This explains the somewhat scattered nature of many of these pieces; I had to pull bits of humor wherever I could find them, often removing them from serious articles and moral essays they were linked to. Many of these pieces were originally written for newspapers, referencing events that are no longer relevant and containing local references that might confuse general readers; in those cases, cutting them out was necessary. Beyond that, no further comments are needed. Mark Twain doesn’t use tricks of spelling or silly rhetoric to get laughs; his humor is too rich and profound for anything superficial. But very few can resist his quirky similes, sharp satire, and solid common sense, which are the foundation of his writing.

J. P. II. FROM ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS

J. P. II. FROM RESPONSES TO READERS

“MORAL STATISTICIAN”—I don't want any of your statistics. I took your whole batch and lit my pipe with it. I hate your kind of people. You are always ciphering out how much a man's health is injured, and how much his intellect is impaired, and how many pitiful dollars and cents he wastes in the course of ninety-two years' indulgence in the fatal practice of smoking; and in the equally fatal practice of drinking coffee; and in playing billiards occasionally; and in taking a glass of wine at dinner, etc., etc., etc....

“MORAL STATISTICIAN”—I don’t want any of your statistics. I used your entire batch to light my pipe. I can’t stand people like you. You’re always calculating how much a person’s health is damaged, how much their intelligence is affected, and how many pathetic dollars and cents they waste over ninety-two years of indulging in the deadly habits of smoking; the equally deadly habit of drinking coffee; playing billiards now and then; and having a glass of wine at dinner, etc., etc., etc....

Of course you can save money by denying yourself all these vicious little enjoyments for fifty years; but then what can you do with it? What use can you put it to? Money can't save your infinitesimal soul. All the use that money can be put to is to purchase comfort and enjoyment in this life; therefore, as you are an enemy to comfort and enjoyment, where is the use in accumulating cash? It won't do for you to say that you can use it to better purpose in furnishing good table, and in charities, and in supporting tract societies, because you know yourself that you people who have no petty vices are never known to give away a cent, and that you stint yourselves so in the matter of food that you are always feeble and hungry. And you never dare to laugh in the daytime for fear some poor wretch, seeing you in a good-humor, will try to borrow a dollar of you; and in church you are always down on your knees, with your eyes buried in the cushion, when the contribution-box comes around; and you never give the revenue-officers a true statement of your income. Now you all know all these things yourself, don't you? Very well, then, what is the use of your stringing out your miserable lives to a clean and withered old age? What is the use of your saving money that is so utterly worthless to you? In a word, why don't you go off somewhere and die, and not be always trying to seduce people into becoming as “ornery” and unlovable as you are yourselves, by your ceaseless and villainous “moral statistics”? Now, I don't approve of dissipation, and I don't indulge in it, either; but I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatever, and so I don't want to hear from you any more. I think you are the very same man who read me a long lecture last week about the degrading vice of smoking cigars and then came back, in my absence, with your vile, reprehensible fire-proof gloves on, and carried off my beautiful parlor-stove.

Sure, you can save money by denying yourself all those little pleasures for fifty years, but what will you do with it? How can you even use it? Money won't save your tiny soul. The only thing money is good for is to buy comfort and enjoyment in this life. So, since you're against comfort and enjoyment, what’s the point of hoarding cash? You can't say you’ll use it for better things like providing a nice meal, donating to charity, or supporting tract societies because, deep down, you know that people who lack those small vices never give away a cent, and you skimp on food so much that you’re always weak and hungry. You’re too scared to laugh during the day in case some unfortunate soul sees you in a good mood and asks to borrow a dollar. In church, you’re always on your knees, eyes buried in the cushion when the collection plate comes around, and you never honestly report your income to the tax officers. You know all of this, right? So, what's the point of dragging your miserable lives to a clean, dried-up old age? What's the point of saving money that means nothing to you? In short, why don't you just go somewhere and die instead of trying to make everyone else as unpleasant and unlovable as you are with your endless, harmful “moral statistics”? I don't support excessive behavior, and I don’t engage in it, either. But I have no faith in someone who has no redeeming little vices at all, so I don’t want to hear from you anymore. I think you’re the same guy who lectured me last week about the terrible vice of smoking cigars and then came back, while I was gone, wearing your awful, inappropriate fireproof gloves and took my beautiful parlor stove.





III. FROM “A STRANGE DREAM”

(Example of Mark Twain's Early Descriptive Writing)

... In due time I stood, with my companion, on the wall of the vast caldron which the natives, ages ago, named 'Hale mau mau'—the abyss wherein they were wont to throw the remains of their chiefs, to the end that vulgar feet might never tread above them. We stood there, at dead of night, a mile above the level of the sea, and looked down a thousand feet upon a boiling, surging, roaring ocean of fire!—shaded our eyes from the blinding glare, and gazed far away over the crimson waves with a vague notion that a supernatural fleet, manned by demons and freighted with the damned, might presently sail up out of the remote distance; started when tremendous thunder-bursts shook the earth, and followed with fascinated eyes the grand jets of molten lava that sprang high up toward the zenith and exploded in a world of fiery spray that lit up the somber heavens with an infernal splendor.

... Eventually, I found myself, along with my companion, standing on the edge of the vast caldron that the locals called 'Hale mau mau'—the abyss where they used to throw the remains of their chiefs so that common people wouldn’t tread above them. We stood there in the dead of night, a mile above sea level, looking down a thousand feet at a boiling, surging, roaring ocean of fire! We shaded our eyes from the blinding glare and gazed far over the crimson waves, vaguely imagining that a supernatural fleet, manned by demons and loaded with the damned, might soon emerge from the distant horizon; we flinched when massive thunderclaps shook the ground and watched in fascination as grand jets of molten lava shot high into the sky and exploded in a shower of fiery spray that illuminated the dark heavens with a hellish brilliance.

“What is your little bonfire of Vesuvius to this?”

“What is your little bonfire of Vesuvius compared to this?”

My ejaculation roused my companion from his reverie, and we fell into a conversation appropriate to the occasion and the surroundings. We came at last to speak of the ancient custom of casting the bodies of dead chieftains into this fearful caldron; and my comrade, who is of the blood royal, mentioned that the founder of his race, old King Kamehameha the First—that invincible old pagan Alexander—had found other sepulture than the burning depths of the 'Hale mau mau'. I grew interested at once; I knew that the mystery of what became of the corpse of the warrior king hail never been fathomed; I was aware that there was a legend connected with this matter; and I felt as if there could be no more fitting time to listen to it than the present. The descendant of the Kamehamehas said:

My climax jolted my companion out of his daydream, and we started a conversation suitable for the moment and our surroundings. Eventually, we talked about the old tradition of throwing the bodies of dead chieftains into this terrifying cauldron. My friend, who is of royal blood, mentioned that the founder of his lineage, the legendary King Kamehameha the First—an unbeatable old pagan like Alexander—had found a different resting place than the fiery depths of the 'Hale mau mau'. I became immediately intrigued; I knew the mystery surrounding the warrior king's body had never been uncovered; I was aware that there was a legend related to this topic, and I felt there could be no better time to hear it than now. The descendant of the Kamehamehas said:

The dead king was brought in royal state down the long, winding road that descends from the rim of the crater to the scorched and chasm-riven plain that lies between the 'Hale mau mau' and those beetling walls yonder in the distance. The guards were set and the troops of mourners began the weird wail for the departed. In the middle of the night came a sound of innumerable voices in the air and the rush of invisible wings; the funeral torches wavered, burned blue, and went out. The mourners and watchers fell to the ground paralyzed by fright, and many minutes elapsed before any one dared to move or speak; for they believed that the phantom messengers of the dread Goddess of Fire had been in their midst. When at last a torch was lighted the bier was vacant—the dead monarch had been spirited away!

The dead king was brought in grand style down the long, winding road that leads from the edge of the crater to the scorched, deep plain that lies between the 'Hale mau mau' and those towering walls in the distance. The guards were stationed, and the group of mourners began their eerie wail for the departed. In the middle of the night, a sound of countless voices filled the air along with the rush of invisible wings; the funeral torches flickered, burned blue, and went out. The mourners and watchers fell to the ground, frozen in fear, and many minutes passed before anyone dared to move or speak, as they believed that the ghostly messengers of the fearsome Goddess of Fire had been among them. When a torch was finally relit, the bier was empty—the dead king had vanished!





APPENDIX F

THE INNOCENTS ABROAD (See Chapter lx)

NEW YORK “HERALD” EDITORIAL ON THE RETURN OF THE “QUAKER CITY” PILGRIMAGE, NOVEMBER 19, 1867.

NEW YORK “HERALD” EDITORIAL ON THE RETURN OF THE “QUAKER CITY” PILGRIMAGE, NOVEMBER 19, 1867.

In yesterday's Herald we published a most amusing letter from the pen of that most amusing American genius, Mark Twain, giving an account of that most amusing of all modern pilgrimages—the pilgrimage of the 'Quaker City'. It has been amusing all through, this Quaker City affair. It might have become more serious than amusing if the ship had been sold at Jaffa, Alexandria, or Yalta, in the Black Sea, as it appears might have happened. In such a case the passengers would have been more effectually sold than the ship. The descendants of the Puritan pilgrims have, naturally enough, some of them, an affection for ships; but if all that is said about this religious cruise be true they have also a singularly sharp eye to business. It was scarcely wise on the part of the pilgrims, although it was well for the public, that so strange a genius as Mark Twain should have found admission into the sacred circle. We are not aware whether Mr. Twain intends giving us a book on this pilgrimage, but we do know that a book written from his own peculiar standpoint, giving an account of the characters and events on board ship and of the scenes which the pilgrims witnessed, would command an almost unprecedented sale. There are varieties of genius peculiar to America. Of one of these varieties Mark Twain is a striking specimen. For the development of his peculiar genius he has never had a more fitting opportunity. Besides, there are some things which he knows, and which the world ought to know, about this last edition of the Mayflower.

In yesterday's Herald, we published a highly entertaining letter from the exceptionally funny American writer, Mark Twain, recounting one of the most entertaining modern journeys—the journey of the 'Quaker City.' This Quaker City experience has been amusing throughout. It could have turned more serious than fun if the ship had been sold at Jaffa, Alexandria, or Yalta in the Black Sea, which might have actually happened. In that case, the passengers would have ended up being sold even more than the ship. The descendants of the Puritan pilgrims naturally have a fondness for ships; however, if everything being said about this religious cruise is true, they also have a remarkably keen business sense. It probably wasn't the wisest move for the pilgrims to let someone as unique as Mark Twain into their inner circle, although it turned out well for the public. We're not sure if Mr. Twain plans to write a book about this pilgrimage, but we do believe a book written from his distinct perspective, detailing the characters and events on board and the sights the pilgrims encountered, would sell like hotcakes. There are different kinds of genius that are unique to America. Mark Twain is a prime example of one of those kinds. He has never had a better opportunity to showcase his unique talent. Plus, there are some insights he possesses that the world should know about this latest version of the Mayflower.





APPENDIX G

MARK TWAIN AT THE CORRESPONDENTS CLUB, WASHINGTON

(See Chapter lxiii)

(See Chapter 63)

WOMAN A EULOGY OF THE FAIR SEX.

WOMAN A EULOGY OF THE FAIR SEX.

The Washington Correspondents Club held its anniversary on Saturday night. Mr. Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, responded to the toast, “Woman, the pride of the professions and the jewel of ours.” He said:

The Washington Correspondents Club celebrated its anniversary on Saturday night. Mr. Clemens, popularly known as Mark Twain, responded to the toast, “Woman, the pride of the professions and the jewel of ours.” He said:

Mr. President,—I do not know why I should have been singled out to receive the greatest distinction of the evening—for so the office of replying to the toast to woman has been regarded in every age. [Applause.] I do not know why I have received this distinction, unless it be that I am a trifle less homely than the other members of the club. But, be this as it may, Mr. President, I am proud of the position, and you could not have chosen any one who would have accepted it more gladly, or labored with a heartier good—will to do the subject justice, than I. Because, Sir, I love the sex. [Laughter.] I love all the women, sir, irrespective of age or color. [Laughter.]

Mr. President, I have no idea why I was chosen to receive the highest honor of the evening—since that’s how the role of responding to the toast to women has been viewed throughout history. [Applause.] I’m not sure why I got this honor, unless it’s because I’m a bit less plain-looking than the other members of the club. But regardless, Mr. President, I’m proud of this role, and you couldn’t have picked anyone who would have accepted it more enthusiastically or worked harder to do justice to the topic than I would. Because, sir, I love women. [Laughter.] I love all women, sir, no matter their age or color. [Laughter.]

Human intelligence cannot estimate what we owe to woman, sir. She sews on our buttons [laughter]; she mends our clothes [laughter]; she ropes us in at the church fairs; she confides in us; she tells us whatever she can find out about the private affairs of the neighbors; she gives good advice, and plenty of it; she gives us a piece of her mind sometimes—and sometimes all of it; she soothes our aching brows; she bears our children. (Ours as a general thing.)—[this last sentence appears in Twain's published speeches and may have been added later. D.W.]

Human intelligence can't fully grasp what we owe to women, sir. She sews our buttons [laughter]; she mends our clothes [laughter]; she gets us involved at church fairs; she confides in us; she tells us everything she can learn about our neighbors’ private lives; she gives us solid advice, and plenty of it; sometimes she shares her thoughts with us—and sometimes she gives us all of them; she comforts us when we're stressed; she bears our children. (Ours, generally speaking.)—[this last sentence appears in Twain's published speeches and may have been added later. D.W.]

In all relations of life, sir, it is but just and a graceful tribute to woman to say of her that she is a brick. [Great laughter.]

In all aspects of life, sir, it's only fair and a nice compliment to say that a woman is solid as a rock. [Great laughter.]

Wheresoever you place woman, sir—in whatsoever position or estate—she is an ornament to that place she occupies, and a treasure to the world. [Here Mr. Twain paused, looked inquiringly at his hearers, and remarked that the applause should come in at this point. It came in. Mr. Twain resumed his eulogy.] Look at the noble names of history! Look at Cleopatra! Look at Desdemona! Look at Florence Nightingale! Look at Joan of Arc! Look at Lucretia Borgia! [Disapprobation expressed. “Well,” said Mr. Twain, scratching his head, doubtfully, “suppose we let Lucretia slide.”] Look at Joyce Heth! Look at Mother Eve! I repeat, sir, look at the illustrious names of history! Look at the Widow Machree! Look at Lucy Stone! Look at Elizabeth Cady Stanton! Look at George Francis Train! [Great laughter.] And, sir, I say with bowed head and deepest veneration, look at the mother of Washington! She raised a boy that could not lie—could not lie. [Applause.] But he never had any chance. It might have been different with him if he had belonged to a newspaper correspondents' club. [Laughter, groans, hisses, cries of “put him out.” Mark looked around placidly upon his excited audience, and resumed.]

Wherever you place a woman, sir—in whatever role or status—she enhances that place she holds and is a treasure to the world. [Here Mr. Twain paused, looked curiously at his audience, and noted that the applause should come in at this point. It came in. Mr. Twain continued his praise.] Look at the great names in history! Look at Cleopatra! Look at Desdemona! Look at Florence Nightingale! Look at Joan of Arc! Look at Lucretia Borgia! [Disapproval was shown. “Well,” said Mr. Twain, scratching his head, uncertainly, “let's skip Lucretia for now.”] Look at Joyce Heth! Look at Mother Eve! I say again, sir, look at the remarkable names in history! Look at the Widow Machree! Look at Lucy Stone! Look at Elizabeth Cady Stanton! Look at George Francis Train! [Great laughter.] And, sir, I say with a respectful head bow, look at the mother of Washington! She raised a boy who couldn’t lie—could not lie. [Applause.] But he never really had a chance. Things might have been different if he had been part of a newspaper correspondents’ club. [Laughter, groans, hisses, cries of “get him out.” Mark looked around calmly at his animated audience and continued.]

I repeat, sir, that in whatsoever position you place a woman she is an ornament to society and a treasure to the world. As a sweetheart she has few equals and no superior [laughter]; as a cousin she is convenient; as a wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper she is precious; as a wet nurse she has no equal among men! [Laughter.]

I’ll say it again, sir, that no matter what role you assign to a woman, she is an asset to society and a valuable part of the world. As a girlfriend, she has few equals and no one better [laughter]; as a cousin, she’s useful; as a rich grandmother with an untreatable illness, she’s invaluable; and as a wet nurse, she’s unparalleled compared to men! [Laughter.]

What, sir, would the people of this earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir. (Mighty scarce.)—[another line added later in the published 'Speeches'. D.W.] Then let us cherish her, let us protect her, let us give her our support, our encouragement, our sympathy—ourselves, if we get a chance. [Laughter.]

What would the people of this earth be without women? They would be pretty rare. So, let's appreciate her, let's defend her, let's offer her our support, our encouragement, our understanding—ourselves, if we have the opportunity. [Laughter.]

But, jesting aside, Mr. President, woman is lovable, gracious, kind of heart, beautiful; worthy of all respect, of all esteem, of all deference. Not any here will refuse to drink her health right cordially, for each and every one of us has personally known, loved, and honored the very best one of them all—his own mother! [Applause.]

But, joking aside, Mr. President, women are lovable, graceful, kind-hearted, and beautiful; deserving of all respect, admiration, and deference. No one here would hesitate to raise a glass to her health, because every single one of us has personally known, loved, and respected the very best of them all—our own mothers! [Applause.]





APPENDIX H

ANNOUNCEMENT FOR LECTURE OF JULY 2, 1868

(See Chapter lxvi)

(See Chapter 66)

THE PUBLIC TO MARK TWAIN—CORRESPONDENCE

PUBLIC TO MARK TWAIN—CORRESPONDENCE

SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th.

SAN FRANCISCO, June 30.

MR. MARK TWAIN—DEAR SIR,—Hearing that you are about to sail for New York in the P. M. S. S. Company's steamer of the 6th July, to publish a book, and learning with the deepest concern that you propose to read a chapter or two of that book in public before you go, we take this method of expressing our cordial desire that you will not. We beg and implore you do not. There is a limit to human endurance.

MR. MARK TWAIN—DEAR SIR,—I heard that you’re about to sail for New York on the P. M. S. S. Company's steamer on July 6th to publish a book, and I’m deeply concerned to learn that you plan to read a chapter or two of that book in public before you leave. We want to sincerely express our strong wish that you won’t do that. We beg you, please don't. There’s a limit to what people can handle.

We are your personal friends. We have your welfare at heart. We desire to see you prosper. And it is upon these accounts, and upon these only, that we urge you to desist from the new atrocity you contemplate. Yours truly,

We’re your personal friends. We genuinely care about your well-being. We want to see you succeed. And it’s for these reasons, and only these, that we urge you to stop the terrible thing you’re thinking about doing. Sincerely,

    60 names including: Bret Harte, Maj.-Gen. Ord, Maj.-Gen. Halleck,
    The Orphan Asylum, and various Benevolent Societies, Citizens on
    Foot and Horseback, and 1500 in the Steerage.
(REPLY)

                         SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th
    60 names including: Bret Harte, Maj.-Gen. Ord, Maj.-Gen. Halleck,
    The Orphan Asylum, and various charity organizations, citizens on
    foot and horseback, and 1500 in the steerage.
(REPLY)

                         SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th

TO THE 1,500 AND OTHERS,—It seems to me that your course is entirely unprecedented. Heretofore, when lecturers, singers, actors, and other frauds have said they were about to leave town, you have always been the very first people to come out in a card beseeching them to hold on for just one night more, and inflict just one more performance on the public, but as soon as I want to take a farewell benefit you come after me, with a card signed by the whole community and the board of aldermen, praying me not to do it. But it isn't of any use. You cannot move me from my fell purpose. I will torment the people if I want to. I have a better right to do it than these strange lecturers and orators that come here from abroad. It only costs the public a dollar apiece, and if they can't stand it what do they stay here for? Am I to go away and let them have peace and quiet for a year and a half, and then come back and only lecture them twice? What do you take me for?

TO THE 1,500 AND OTHERS,—It seems to me that what you’re doing is completely unheard of. In the past, when lecturers, singers, actors, and other fakes claimed they were leaving town, you were always the first to come out with a card pleading for them to stay just one more night and give the public one last performance. But now, when I want to hold a farewell benefit, you come after me with a card signed by the entire community and the board of aldermen, asking me not to go through with it. But it doesn't matter. You can't change my mind. I'll annoy the people if I want to. I have more right to do it than those random lecturers and speakers who come here from elsewhere. It only costs the public a dollar each, and if they can’t handle it, then why stick around? Am I supposed to leave and let them have peace and quiet for a year and a half, then come back and only lecture them twice? What do you think I am?

No, gentlemen, ask of me anything else and I will do it cheerfully; but do not ask me not to afflict the people. I wish to tell them all I know about VENICE. I wish to tell them about the City of the Sea—that most venerable, most brilliant, and proudest Republic the world has ever seen. I wish to hint at what it achieved in twelve hundred years, and what it lost in two hundred. I wish to furnish a deal of pleasant information, somewhat highly spiced, but still palatable, digestible, and eminently fitted for the intellectual stomach. My last lecture was not as fine as I thought it was, but I have submitted this discourse to several able critics, and they have pronounced it good. Now, therefore, why should I withhold it?

No, gentlemen, ask me anything else and I’ll gladly do it; but please don’t ask me not to share the struggles of the people. I want to tell them everything I know about VENICE. I want to talk about the City of the Sea—this ancient, beautiful, and proud Republic that the world has ever known. I want to touch on what it achieved in twelve hundred years and what it lost in two hundred. I want to provide a lot of interesting information, a bit spicy, but still easy to digest and perfect for the intellectual appetite. My last lecture wasn’t as great as I thought it was, but I’ve run this presentation by several knowledgeable critics, and they said it was good. So, why should I hold back?

Let me talk only just this once, and I will sail positively on the 6th of July, and stay away until I return from China—two years.

Let me say this just once, and I will definitely set off on July 6th and be away until I come back from China—two years.

        Yours truly, MARK TWAIN.
Sincerely, MARK TWAIN.

(FURTHER REMONSTRANCE)

(FURTHER OBJECTING)

SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th.

SAN FRANCISCO, June 30.

MR. MARK TWAIN,—Learning with profound regret that you have concluded to postpone your departure until the 6th July, and learning also, with unspeakable grief, that you propose to read from your forthcoming book, or lecture again before you go, at the New Mercantile Library, we hasten to beg of you that you will not do it. Curb this spirit of lawless violence, and emigrate at once. Have the vessel's bill for your passage sent to us. We will pay it.

MR. MARK TWAIN,—I’m deeply sorry to hear that you’ve decided to delay your departure until July 6th, and I’m also filled with immense sadness to learn that you plan to read from your upcoming book or give another lecture before you go at the New Mercantile Library. We urgently ask you not to do this. Please hold back this reckless impulse and leave immediately. Have the bill for your passage sent to us. We will cover it.

                         Your friends,
                            Pacific Board of Brokers [and
                            other financial and social
                            institutions]

                         SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th.
                         Your friends,
                            Pacific Board of Brokers [and
                            other financial and social
                            institutions]

                         SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th.
MR. MARK TWAIN—DEAR SIR,—Will you start now, without any unnecessary
delay?

                            Yours truly,
                            Proprietors of the Alta,
                            Bulletin, Times, Call, Examiner
                            [and other San Francisco
                            publications].

                         SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th.
MR. MARK TWAIN—DEAR SIR—Will you begin now, without any unnecessary delay?

                            Yours truly,
                            Proprietors of the Alta,
                            Bulletin, Times, Call, Examiner
                            [and other San Francisco
                            publications].

                         SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th.

MR. MARK TWAIN—DEAR SIR,—Do not delay your departure. You can come back and lecture another time. In the language of the worldly—you can “cut and come again.”

MR. MARK TWAIN—DEAR SIR,—Don't delay your departure. You can come back and give a lecture another time. In everyday language—you can "cut and come again."

                        Your friends,
                            THE CLERGY.

                         SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th.
Your friends,  
THE CLERGY.  

SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th.

MR. MARK TWAIN—DEAR SIR,—You had better go.

MR. MARK TWAIN—DEAR SIR,—You should probably go.

                         Yours,
                            THE CHIEF OF POLICE.
(REPLY)
                         Yours,
                            THE CHIEF OF POLICE.
(REPLY)

SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th.

SAN FRANCISCO, June 30.

GENTLEMEN,—Restrain your emotions; you observe that they cannot avail. Read:

GENTLEMEN,—Control your feelings; you see that they won’t help. Read:

                  NEW MERCANTILE LIBRARY
                      Bush Street

               Thursday Evening, July 2, 1868
                    One Night Only

                   FAREWELL LECTURE
                         of
                      MARK TWAIN
                      Subject:
                The Oldest of the Republics
                       VENICE
                   PAST AND PRESENT

            Box-Office open Wednesday and Thursday
             No extra charge for reserved seats

       ADMISSION........... ONE DOLLAR
       Doors open at 7      Orgies to commence at 8 P. M.

    The public displays and ceremonies projected to give fitting eclat
    to this occasion have been unavoidably delayed until the 4th. The
    lecture will be delivered certainly on the 2d, and the event will be
    celebrated two days afterward by a discharge of artillery on the
    4th, a procession of citizens, the reading of the Declaration of
    Independence, and by a gorgeous display of fireworks from Russian
    Hill in the evening, which I have ordered at my sole expense, the
    cost amounting to eighty thousand dollars.

                AT NEW MERCANTILE LIBRARY
                      Bush Street
               Thursday Evening, July 2, 1868
                  NEW MERCANTILE LIBRARY
                      Bush Street

               Thursday Evening, July 2, 1868
                    One Night Only

                   FAREWELL LECTURE
                         of
                      MARK TWAIN
                      Subject:
                The Oldest of the Republics
                       VENICE
                   PAST AND PRESENT

            Box office open Wednesday and Thursday
             No extra charge for reserved seats

       ADMISSION........... ONE DOLLAR
       Doors open at 7      Show starts at 8 P.M.

    The public displays and ceremonies planned to highlight this occasion have been unavoidably postponed until the 4th. The lecture will definitely take place on the 2nd, and the event will be celebrated two days later with a cannon salute on the 4th, a parade of citizens, a reading of the Declaration of Independence, and a spectacular fireworks display from Russian Hill in the evening, which I have arranged at my own expense, costing eighty thousand dollars.

                AT NEW MERCANTILE LIBRARY
                      Bush Street
               Thursday Evening, July 2, 1868




APPENDIX I. MARK TWAIN'S CHAMPIONSHIP OF THOMAS K. BEECHER

(See Chapter lxxiv)

There was a religious turmoil in Elmira in 1869; a disturbance among the ministers, due to the success of Thomas K. Beecher in a series of meetings he was conducting in the Opera House. Mr. Beecher's teachings had never been very orthodox or doctrinal, but up to this time they had been seemingly unobjectionable to his brother clergymen, who fraternized with him and joined with him in the Monday meetings of the Ministerial Union of Elmira, when each Monday a sermon was read by one of the members. The situation presently changed. Mr. Beecher was preaching his doubtful theology to large and nightly increasing audiences, and it was time to check the exodus. The Ministerial Union of Elmira not only declined to recognize and abet the Opera House gatherings, but they requested him to withdraw from their Monday meetings, on the ground that his teachings were pernicious. Mr. Beecher said nothing of the matter, and it was not made public until a notice of it appeared in a religious paper. Naturally such a course did not meet with the approval of the Langdon family, and awoke the scorn of a man who so detested bigotry in any form as Mark Twain. He was a stranger in the place, and not justified to speak over his own signature, but he wrote an article and read it to members of the Langdon family and to Dr. and Mrs. Taylor, their intimate friends, who were spending an evening in the Langdon home. It was universally approved, and the next morning appeared in the Elmira Advertiser, over the signature of “S'cat.” It created a stir, of course.

There was a religious upheaval in Elmira in 1869; a conflict among the ministers because of Thomas K. Beecher's success in a series of meetings he was holding at the Opera House. Mr. Beecher's teachings had never been very traditional or doctrinal, but until now they had seemed acceptable to his fellow clergymen, who socialized with him and attended the Monday meetings of the Ministerial Union of Elmira, where a sermon was read by one of the members each week. That changed quickly. Mr. Beecher was preaching his controversial theology to larger and larger audiences night after night, and it was time to put a stop to the exodus. The Ministerial Union of Elmira not only refused to support the Opera House gatherings, but they also asked him to leave their Monday meetings, arguing that his teachings were harmful. Mr. Beecher didn't respond to this, and it wasn't made public until a notice appeared in a religious newspaper. Naturally, this decision did not sit well with the Langdon family and sparked disdain from someone like Mark Twain, who was strongly opposed to bigotry in any form. He was new to the area and didn't have the right to speak under his own name, but he wrote an article and shared it with the Langdon family and Dr. and Mrs. Taylor, their close friends, who were visiting that evening. It received unanimous support, and the next morning it was published in the Elmira Advertiser, signed “S'cat.” It caused quite a stir, of course.

The article follows:

Please provide the short phrases you'd like me to modernize.

MR. BEECHER AND THE CLERGY

Mr. Beecher and the clergy

“The Ministerial Union of Elmira, N. Y., at a recent meeting passed resolutions disapproving the teachings of Rev. T. K. Beecher, declining to co-operate with him in his Sunday evening services at the Opera House, and requesting him to withdraw from their Monday morning meeting. This has resulted in his withdrawal, and thus the pastors are relieved from further responsibility as to his action.”—N. Y. Evangelist.

“The Ministerial Union of Elmira, NY, at a recent meeting passed resolutions disapproving of the teachings of Rev. T. K. Beecher, refusing to collaborate with him in his Sunday evening services at the Opera House, and asking him to step back from their Monday morning meeting. As a result, he has withdrawn, relieving the pastors of any further responsibility regarding his actions.”—N. Y. Evangelist.

Poor Beecher! All this time he could do whatever he pleased that was wrong, and then be perfectly serene and comfortable over it, because the Ministerial Union of Elmira was responsible to God for it. He could lie if he wanted to, and those ministers had to answer for it; he could promote discord in the church of Christ, and those parties had to make it right with the Deity as best they could; he could teach false doctrines to empty opera houses, and those sorrowing lambs of the Ministerial Union had to get out their sackcloth and ashes and stand responsible for it. He had such a comfortable thing of it! But he went too far. In an evil hour he slaughtered the simple geese that laid the golden egg of responsibility for him, and now they will uncover their customary complacency, and lift up their customary cackle in his behalf no more. And so, at last, he finds himself in the novel position of being responsible to God for his acts, instead of to the Ministerial Union of Elmira. To say that this is appalling is to state it with a degree of mildness which amounts to insipidity.

Poor Beecher! All this time he could do whatever he wanted that was wrong and then feel completely at ease about it because the Ministerial Union of Elmira was accountable to God for his actions. He could lie if he felt like it, and those ministers had to answer for it; he could create division in the church of Christ, and those groups had to make it right with God as best they could; he could preach false beliefs to empty opera houses, and those grieving members of the Ministerial Union had to put on their sackcloth and ashes and take responsibility for it. He had it so comfortable! But he went too far. In a fateful moment, he destroyed the simple geese that laid the golden egg of responsibility for him, and now they will no longer show their usual complacency or raise their familiar clamor on his behalf. So, at last, he finds himself in the new position of being accountable to God for his actions instead of to the Ministerial Union of Elmira. To say that this is shocking is to express it in a way that feels far too mild.

We cannot justly estimate this calamity, without first reviewing certain facts that conspired to bring it about. Mr. Beecher was and is in the habit of preaching to a full congregation in the Independent Congregational Church, in this city. The meeting-house was not large enough to accommodate all the people who desired admittance. Mr. Beecher regularly attended the meetings of the Ministerial Union of Elmira every Monday morning, and they received him into their fellowship, and never objected to the doctrines which he taught in his church. So, in an unfortunate moment, he conceived the strange idea that they would connive at the teaching of the same doctrines in the same way in a larger house. Therefore he secured the Opera House and proceeded to preach there every Sunday evening to assemblages comprising from a thousand to fifteen hundred persons. He felt warranted in this course by a passage of Scripture which says, “Go ye into all the world and preach the gospel unto every creature.” Opera-houses were not ruled out specifically in this passage, and so he considered it proper to regard opera-houses as a part of “all the world.” He looked upon the people who assembled there as coming under the head of “every creature.” These ideas were as absurd as they were farfetched, but still they were the honest ebullitions of a diseased mind. His great mistake was in supposing that when he had the Saviour's indorsement of his conduct he had all that was necessary. He overlooked the fact that there might possibly be a conflict of opinion between the Saviour and the Ministerial Union of Elmira. And there was. Wherefore, blind and foolish Mr. Beecher went to his destruction. The Ministerial Union withdrew their approbation, and left him dangling in the air, with no other support than the countenance and approval of the gospel of Christ.

We can't truly assess this disaster without first looking at the specific facts that led to it. Mr. Beecher was and still is known for preaching to a full congregation at the Independent Congregational Church in this city. The church wasn’t large enough to fit all the people who wanted to attend. Mr. Beecher regularly participated in the meetings of the Ministerial Union of Elmira every Monday morning, where he was welcomed, and they never objected to the teachings he shared at his church. So, in a misguided moment, he came up with the odd idea that they would approve of him teaching the same doctrines in a larger venue. As a result, he secured the Opera House and began preaching there every Sunday evening to crowds ranging from a thousand to fifteen hundred people. He felt justified in this approach because of a Bible verse that says, “Go ye into all the world and preach the gospel unto every creature.” Since opera houses weren't specifically mentioned in that passage, he thought it was acceptable to consider opera houses part of “all the world.” He viewed the people who gathered there as falling under the definition of “every creature.” These notions were as ridiculous as they were far-fetched, but they were still the honest outpourings of a troubled mind. His major mistake was thinking that having the Savior's endorsement of his actions was all he needed. He failed to recognize that there might be a disagreement between the Savior and the Ministerial Union of Elmira. And there was. As a result, naive and misguided Mr. Beecher brought about his own downfall. The Ministerial Union withdrew their support, leaving him hanging with no backup other than the backing and approval of the gospel of Christ.

Mr. Beecher invited his brother ministers to join forces with him and help him conduct the Opera House meetings. They declined with great unanimity. In this they were wrong. Since they did not approve of those meetings, it was a duty they owed to their consciences and their God to contrive their discontinuance. They knew this. They felt it. Yet they turned coldly away and refused to help at those meetings, when they well knew that their help, earnestly and persistently given, was able to kill any great religious enterprise that ever was conceived of.

Mr. Beecher invited his fellow ministers to team up with him and help run the Opera House meetings. They all turned him down. They were mistaken in doing this. Since they didn't support those meetings, they had a responsibility to their beliefs and to God to find a way to end them. They were aware of this. They sensed it. Yet they coldly turned away and refused to assist at those meetings, fully knowing that their dedicated and ongoing support could effectively shut down any major religious initiative ever imagined.

The ministers refused, and the calamitous meetings at the Opera House continued; and not only continued, but grew in interest and importance, and sapped of their congregations churches where the Gospel was preached with that sweet monotonous tranquillity and that impenetrable profundity which stir up such consternation in the strongholds of sin. It is a pity to have to record here that one clergyman refused to preach at the Opera House at Mr. Beecher's request, even when that incendiary was sick and disabled; and if that man's conscience justifies him in that refusal I do not. Under the plea of charity for a sick brother he could have preached to that Opera House multitude a sermon that would have done incalculable damage to the Opera House experiment. And he need not have been particular about the sermon he chose, either. He could have relied on any he had in his barrel.

The ministers declined, and the disastrous meetings at the Opera House went on; not only did they continue, but they also became more engaging and significant, draining congregations from churches that preached the Gospel with a soothing, steady calmness and deep insight that unsettles the strongholds of sin. It's unfortunate to note that one clergyman refused to speak at the Opera House at Mr. Beecher's request, even when that provocateur was ill and unable to do so; and if that man's conscience supports his refusal, mine does not. Under the guise of kindness for a sick colleague, he could have delivered a sermon to that crowd at the Opera House that would have done immense harm to the Opera House venture. Plus, he didn’t even need to be specific about the sermon he picked; he could have used any from his collection.

The Opera House meetings went on; other congregations were thin, and grew thinner, but the Opera House assemblages were vast. Every Sunday night, in spite of sense and reason, multitudes passed by the churches where they might have been saved, and marched deliberately to the Opera House to be damned. The community talked, talked, talked. Everybody discussed the fact that the Ministerial Union disapproved of the Opera House meetings; also the fact that they disapproved of the teachings put forth there. And everybody wondered how the Ministerial Union could tell whether to approve or disapprove of those teachings, seeing that those clergymen had never attended an Opera House meeting, and therefore didn't know what was taught there. Everybody wondered over that curious question, and they had to take it out in wondering.

The Opera House meetings continued; other congregations were dwindling, but the gatherings at the Opera House were huge. Every Sunday night, despite logic and reason, crowds walked past the churches where they could have found salvation and headed straight to the Opera House to be damned. The community chattered endlessly. Everyone discussed the fact that the Ministerial Union was against the Opera House meetings, as well as their objections to the teachings presented there. People were puzzled about how the Ministerial Union could judge those teachings when the ministers had never actually attended an Opera House meeting and didn’t know what was being taught. Everyone pondered that strange issue, and they had to spend their time just wondering about it.

Mr. Beecher asked the Ministerial Union to state their objections to the Opera House matter. They could not—at least they did not. He said to them that if they would come squarely out and tell him that they desired the discontinuance of those meetings he would discontinue them. They declined to do that. Why should they have declined? They had no right to decline, and no excuse to decline, if they honestly believed that those meetings interfered in the slightest degree with the best interests of religion. (That is a proposition which the profoundest head among them cannot get around.)

Mr. Beecher asked the Ministerial Union to explain their objections to the Opera House issue. They couldn't—at least, they didn't. He told them that if they would clearly say they wanted those meetings to stop, he would end them. They refused to do that. Why did they refuse? They had no right to say no, and no reason to say no if they truly believed that those meetings negatively affected the interests of religion in any way. (That's a point that even the smartest among them can't get around.)

But the Opera House meetings went on. That was the mischief of it. And so, one Monday morning, when Mr. B. appeared at the usual Ministers' meeting, his brother clergymen desired him to come there no more. He asked why. They gave no reason. They simply declined to have his company longer. Mr. B. said he could not accept of this execution without a trial, and since he loved them and had nothing against them he must insist upon meeting with them in the future just the same as ever. And so, after that, they met in secret, and thus got rid of this man's importunate affection.

But the meetings at the Opera House continued. That was the problem. So, one Monday morning, when Mr. B. showed up at the usual Ministers' meeting, his fellow clergymen asked him not to come anymore. He asked why. They didn’t give a reason. They just refused to keep him around. Mr. B. said he couldn’t accept this punishment without a fair hearing, and since he cared for them and had no issues with them, he insisted on continuing to meet with them as usual. After that, they started meeting in secret, and that’s how they got rid of this man's persistent affection.

The Ministerial Union had ruled out Beecher—a point gained. He would get up an excitement about it in public. But that was a miscalculation. He never mentioned it. They waited and waited for the grand crash, but it never came. After all their labor-pains, their ministerial mountain had brought forth only a mouse—and a still-born one at that. Beecher had not told on them; Beecher malignantly persisted in not telling on them. The opportunity was slipping away. Alas, for the humiliation of it, they had to come out and tell it themselves! And after all, their bombshell did not hurt anybody when they did explode it. They had ceased to be responsible to God for Beecher, and yet nobody seemed paralyzed about it. Somehow, it was not even of sufficient importance, apparently, to get into the papers, though even the poor little facts that Smith has bought a trotting team and Alderman Jones's child has the measles are chronicled there with avidity. Something must be done. As the Ministerial Union had told about their desolating action, when nobody else considered it of enough importance to tell, they would also publish it, now that the reporters failed to see anything in it important enough to print. And so they startled the entire religious world no doubt by solemnly printing in the Evangelist the paragraph which heads this article. They have got their excommunication-bull started at last. It is going along quite lively now, and making considerable stir, let us hope. They even know it in Podunk, wherever that may be. It excited a two-line paragraph there. Happy, happy world, that knows at last that a little congress of congregationless clergymen of whom it had never heard before have crushed a famous Beecher, and reduced his audiences from fifteen hundred down to fourteen hundred and seventy-five at one fell blow! Happy, happy world, that knows at last that these obscure innocents are no longer responsible for the blemishless teachings, the power, the pathos, the logic, and the other and manifold intellectual pyrotechnics that seduce, but to damn, the Opera House assemblages every Sunday night in Elmira! And miserable, O thrice miserable Beecher! For the Ministerial Union of Elmira will never, no, never more be responsible to God for his shortcomings. (Excuse these tears.)

The Ministerial Union had dismissed Beecher—a small victory for them. He would create a buzz about it in public. But that was a mistake. He never mentioned it. They waited and waited for the big fallout, but it never happened. After all their efforts, their ministerial mountain had produced only a mouse—and a stillborn one at that. Beecher hadn’t spilled the beans on them; he stubbornly continued to keep quiet. The chance was slipping away. Sadly, they had to come forward and announce it themselves! And in the end, their shocking news didn’t hurt anyone when they finally let it out. They had stopped being accountable to God for Beecher, yet nobody seemed to be worried about it. Somehow, it wasn’t even significant enough to make the news, even though trivial facts like Smith buying a trotting team and Alderman Jones’s child having the measles are eagerly reported. Something had to be done. Since the Ministerial Union had disclosed their devastating decision when no one else thought it was worth mentioning, they would also publish it now that the reporters found it unworthy of print. So, they likely shocked the entire religious community by solemnly printing in the Evangelist the paragraph that introduces this article. They finally got their excommunication notice rolling. It’s moving along quite lively now and creating quite a stir, hopefully. They even know about it in Podunk, wherever that may be. It sparked a two-line mention there. Happy, happy world, that finally knows that a small group of unknown clergymen, of whom it had never heard before, have taken down the famous Beecher, reducing his audience from fifteen hundred to fourteen hundred and seventy-five in one stroke! Happy, happy world, that realizes at last that these obscure figures are no longer responsible for the spotless teachings, the influence, the emotional impact, the logic, and the other impressive intellectual displays that attract, but to condemn, the Opera House gatherings every Sunday night in Elmira! And poor, poor Beecher! For the Ministerial Union of Elmira will never, no, never again be accountable to God for his failings. (Excuse these tears.)

(For the protection of a man who is uniformly charged with all the newspaper deviltry that sees the light in Elmira journals, I take this opportunity of stating, under oath, duly subscribed before a magistrate, that Mr. Beecher did not write this article. And further still, that he did not inspire it. And further still, the Ministerial Union of Elmira did not write it. And finally, the Ministerial Union did not ask me to write it. No, I have taken up this cudgel in defense of the Ministerial Union of Elmira solely from a love of justice. Without solicitation, I have constituted myself the champion of the Ministerial Union of Elmira, and it shall be a labor of love with me to conduct their side of a quarrel in print for them whenever they desire me to do it; or if they are busy, and have not the time to ask me, I will cheerfully do it anyhow. In closing this I must remark that if any question the right of the clergymen of Elmira to turn Mr. Beecher out of the Ministerial Union, to such I answer that Mr. Beecher recreated that institution after it had been dead for many years, and invited those gentlemen to come into it, which they did, and so of course they have a right to turn him out if they want to. The difference between Beecher and the man who put an adder in his bosom is, that Beecher put in more adders than he did, and consequently had a proportionately livelier time of it when they got warmed up.)

(For the protection of a man who is consistently accused of all the scandalous things published in Elmira newspapers, I want to clarify, under oath and properly signed before a magistrate, that Mr. Beecher did not write this article. Furthermore, he did not encourage it. Additionally, the Ministerial Union of Elmira did not write it either. Lastly, the Ministerial Union did not ask me to write it. No, I’ve taken up this issue in defense of the Ministerial Union of Elmira purely out of a sense of justice. Without being asked, I have made myself the advocate for the Ministerial Union of Elmira, and it will be a heartfelt effort for me to present their side of a dispute in print whenever they need me to; or if they’re busy and don’t have time to reach out, I will gladly do it regardless. In conclusion, I must note that if anyone questions the right of the clergymen of Elmira to remove Mr. Beecher from the Ministerial Union, I answer that Mr. Beecher revived that organization after it had been inactive for many years and invited those gentlemen to join, which they did, so of course they have the right to remove him if they choose. The difference between Beecher and the man who brought a snake to his chest is that Beecher brought in more snakes than he did, and therefore had a significantly more eventful experience when they got agitated.)

                     Cheerfully,
                                S'CAT.
Cheers,  
                                 S'CAT.




APPENDIX J

THE INDIGNITY PUT UPON THE REMAINS OF GEORGE HOLLAND BY THE REV. MR. SABINE.

THE INDIGNITY IMPOSED ON THE REMAINS OF GEORGE HOLLAND BY REV. MR. SABINE.

(See Chapter lxxvii)

(See Chapter 77)

What a ludicrous satire it was upon Christian charity!—even upon the vague, theoretical idea of it which doubtless this small saint mouths from his own pulpit every Sunday. Contemplate this freak of nature, and think what a Cardiff giant of self-righteousness is crowded into his pigmy skin. If we probe, and dissect; and lay open this diseased, this cancerous piety of his, we are forced to the conviction that it is the production of an impression on his part that his guild do about all the good that is done on the earth, and hence are better than common clay—hence are competent to say to such as George Holland, “You are unworthy; you are a play-actor, and consequently a sinner; I cannot take the responsibility of recommending you to the mercy of Heaven.” It must have had its origin in that impression, else he would have thought, “We are all instruments for the carrying out of God's purposes; it is not for me to pass judgment upon your appointed share of the work, or to praise or to revile it; I have divine authority for it that we are all sinners, and therefore it is not for me to discriminate and say we will supplicate for this sinner, for he was a merchant prince or a banker, but we will beseech no forgiveness for this other one, for he was a play-actor.”

What a ridiculous mockery of Christian charity it was!—even the vague, theoretical idea of it that this little saint likely preaches from his pulpit every Sunday. Look at this oddity of nature, and realize how much self-righteousness is packed into his tiny frame. If we dig deeper into this sickly, cancerous piety of his, we can't help but conclude that it stems from his belief that his group does nearly all the good in the world and is therefore better than ordinary people—thus, they feel entitled to tell someone like George Holland, “You are unworthy; you are an actor, and therefore a sinner; I cannot take the responsibility of recommending you to God’s mercy.” This mindset must have originated from that belief; otherwise, he would think, “We are all instruments of God’s intentions; it is not my place to judge your role or to praise or criticize it; I have divine authority to know that we are all sinners, so it is not for me to decide who we should pray for, whether it’s this sinner because he’s a wealthy merchant or banker, or to ignore this other sinner just because he’s an actor.”

It surely requires the furthest possible reach of self-righteousness to enable a man to lift his scornful nose in the air and turn his back upon so poor and pitiable a thing as a dead stranger come to beg the last kindness that humanity can do in its behalf. This creature has violated the letter of the Gospel, and judged George Holland—not George Holland, either, but his profession through him. Then it is, in a measure, fair that we judge this creature's guild through him. In effect he has said, “We are the salt of the earth; we do all the good work that is done; to learn how to be good and do good men must come to us; actors and such are obstacles to moral progress.” Pray look at the thing reasonably a moment, laying aside all biases of education and custom. If a common public impression is fair evidence of a thing then this minister's legitimate, recognized, and acceptable business is to tell people calmly, coldly, and in stiff, written sentences, from the pulpit, to go and do right, be just, be merciful, be charitable. And his congregation forget it all between church and home. But for fifty years it was George Holland's business on the stage to make his audience go and do right, and be just, merciful, and charitable—because by his living, breathing, feeling pictures he showed them what it was to do these things, and how to do them, and how instant and ample was the reward! Is it not a singular teacher of men, this reverend gentleman who is so poorly informed himself as to put the whole stage under ban, and say, “I do not think it teaches moral lessons”? Where was ever a sermon preached that could make filial ingratitude so hateful to men as the sinful play of “King Lear”? Or where was there ever a sermon that could so convince men of the wrong and the cruelty of harboring a pampered and unanalyzed jealousy as the sinful play of “Othello”? And where are there ten preachers who can stand in the pulpit preaching heroism, unselfish devotion, and lofty patriotism, and hold their own against any one of five hundred William Tells that can be raised upon five hundred stages in the land at a day's notice? It is almost fair and just to aver (although it is profanity) that nine-tenths of all the kindness and forbearance and Christian charity and generosity in the hearts of the American people today got there by being filtered down from their fountain-head, the gospel of Christ, through dramas and tragedies and comedies on the stage, and through the despised novel and the Christmas story, and through the thousand and one lessons, suggestions, and narratives of generous deeds that stir the pulses, and exalt and augment the nobility of the nation day by day from the teeming columns of ten thousand newspapers, and not from the drowsy pulpit.

It really takes a huge amount of self-righteousness for someone to look down on and turn away from a poor, pitiful dead stranger who is asking for the last act of kindness that humanity can offer. This person has violated the spirit of the Gospel and judged George Holland—not just him, but also his profession through him. So, to some extent, it's fair for us to judge this person's profession through him. Effectively, he has claimed, “We are the salt of the earth; we do all the good work that exists; to learn how to be good and do good, people must come to us; actors and others get in the way of moral progress.” Let’s take a moment to view this rationally, putting aside any biases from our backgrounds and traditions. If a common public perception is valid evidence of something, then this minister's accepted role is to calmly, coldly, and in stiff, written sentences from the pulpit, tell people to go and do what’s right, be fair, be merciful, and be charitable. Yet his congregation forgets it all between church and home. For fifty years, it was George Holland's role on stage to inspire his audience to go and do what’s right, be fair, merciful, and charitable—because through his living, breathing, emotional performances, he demonstrated what these things mean, how to achieve them, and the immediate and plentiful rewards! Is it not odd that this reverend, who is so poorly informed, chooses to condemn the entire stage and claim, “I don't think it teaches moral lessons”? Where has there ever been a sermon that made filial ingratitude seem so despicable as the tragic play “King Lear”? Or one that could so effectively show the wrong and cruelty of harboring a spoiled and unexamined jealousy as the tragic play “Othello”? And how many preachers can stand in the pulpit preaching heroism, selfless devotion, and high patriotism, and match the impact of any one of five hundred William Tells that can be performed on five hundred stages across the country at a day's notice? It’s almost fair and just to say (even if it's considered blasphemous) that nine-tenths of all the kindness, patience, Christian charity, and generosity in the hearts of the American people today has come through being filtered from their source, the gospel of Christ, via dramas, tragedies, and comedies on stage, along with the underrated novel and the Christmas story, and through countless lessons, suggestions, and stories of generous acts that motivate and elevate the nation's spirit day by day from the bustling columns of ten thousand newspapers, rather than from the sleepy pulpit.

All that is great and good in our particular civilization came straight from the hand of Jesus Christ, and many creatures, and of divers sorts, were doubtless appointed to disseminate it; and let us believe that this seed and the result are the main thing, and not the cut of the sower's garment; and that whosoever, in his way and according to his opportunity, sows the one and produces the other, has done high service and worthy. And further, let us try with all our strength to believe that whenever old simple-hearted George Holland sowed this seed, and reared his crop of broader charities and better impulses in men's hearts, it was just as acceptable before the Throne as if the seed had been scattered in vapid platitudes from the pulpit of the ineffable Sabine himself.

All that is great and good in our civilization comes directly from Jesus Christ, and many different beings were surely chosen to spread it. Let's focus on the seed and the result, not the way the sower is dressed. Anyone who, in their own way and according to their chance, spreads this seed and produces the fruits of it has done a noble and worthy service. Furthermore, let's do our best to believe that whenever the simple-hearted George Holland sowed this seed and nurtured a harvest of greater compassion and better impulses in people's hearts, it was just as acceptable before the Throne as if the seed had been scattered in bland platitudes from the pulpit of the illustrious Sabine himself.

Am I saying that the pulpit does not do its share toward disseminating the marrow, the meat of the gospel of Christ? (For we are not talking of ceremonies and wire-drawn creeds now, but the living heart and soul of what is pretty often only a specter.)

Am I saying that the pulpit doesn't play its part in spreading the core essence, the true message of the gospel of Christ? (We're not discussing ceremonies and complicated creeds here, but the genuine heart and soul of what is often just a faint shadow.)

No, I am not saying that. The pulpit teaches assemblages of people twice a week nearly two hours altogether—and does what it can in that time. The theater teaches large audiences seven times a week—28 or 30 hours altogether—and the novels and newspapers plead, and argue, and illustrate, stir, move, thrill, thunder, urge, persuade, and supplicate, at the feet of millions and millions of people every single day, and all day long and far into the night; and so these vast agencies till nine-tenths of the vineyard, and the pulpit tills the other tenth. Yet now and then some complacent blind idiot says, “You unanointed are coarse clay and useless; you are not as we, the regenerators of the world; go, bury yourselves elsewhere, for we cannot take the responsibility of recommending idlers and sinners to the yearning mercy of Heaven.” How does a soul like that stay in a carcass without getting mixed with the secretions and sweated out through the pores? Think of this insect condemning the whole theatrical service as a disseminator of bad morals because it has Black Crooks in it; forgetting that if that were sufficient ground people would condemn the pulpit because it had Crooks and Kallochs and Sabines in it!

No, I’m not saying that. The church teaches groups of people twice a week for nearly two hours total—and does its best in that time. The theater teaches large audiences seven times a week—28 or 30 hours in total—and novels and newspapers persuade, argue, illustrate, excite, move, thrill, roar, urge, convince, and plea to millions and millions of people every single day, all day long and deep into the night; and so these vast channels work nine-tenths of the field, while the church works the other tenth. Yet every now and then, some self-satisfied fool says, “You common folks are just rough clay and useless; you’re not like us, the saviors of the world; go, hide yourselves elsewhere, because we can’t take the responsibility of recommending idlers and sinners to the longing mercy of Heaven.” How does a soul like that remain in a body without getting mixed with the waste and sweated out through the pores? Imagine this person condemning the whole theater as a source of bad morals just because it features Black Crooks; forgetting that if that were enough reason, people would condemn the church for having Crooks and Kallochs and Sabines in it!

No, I am not trying to rob the pulpit of any atom of its full share and credit in the work of disseminating the meat and marrow of the gospel of Christ; but I am trying to get a moment's hearing for worthy agencies in the same work, that with overwrought modesty seldom or never claim a recognition of their great services. I am aware that the pulpit does its excellent one-tenth (and credits itself with it now and then, though most of the time a press of business causes it to forget it); I am aware that in its honest and well-meaning way it bores the people with uninflammable truisms about doing good; bores them with correct compositions on charity; bores them, chloroforms them, stupefies them with argumentative mercy without a flaw in the grammar or an emotion which the minister could put in in the right place if he turned his back and took his finger off the manuscript. And in doing these things the pulpit is doing its duty, and let us believe that it is likewise doing its best, and doing it in the most harmless and respectable way. And so I have said, and shall keep on saying, let us give the pulpit its full share of credit in elevating and ennobling the people; but when a pulpit takes to itself authority to pass judgment upon the work and worth of just as legitimate an instrument of God as itself, who spent a long life preaching from the stage the selfsame gospel without the alteration of a single sentiment or a single axiom of right, it is fair and just that somebody who believes that actors were made for a high and good purpose, and that they accomplish the object of their creation and accomplish it well, should protest. And having protested, it is also fair and just—being driven to it, as it were—to whisper to the Sabine pattern of clergyman, under the breath, a simple, instructive truth, and say, “Ministers are not the only servants of God upon earth, nor his most efficient ones, either, by a very, very long distance!” Sensible ministers already know this, and it may do the other kind good to find it out.

No, I'm not trying to take away any credit from the pulpit for its role in spreading the essential teachings of the gospel of Christ; I'm just trying to get a moment's attention for some worthy efforts in the same mission that, out of excessive modesty, rarely claim recognition for their significant contributions. I know that the pulpit does its good share of work (and acknowledges it every now and then, though often its busy schedule makes it forget). I also understand that, in its honest and well-meaning way, it tends to bore people with unexciting truths about doing good; it tires them with straightforward discussions on charity; it puts them to sleep with flawless arguments on mercy that lack genuine emotion, which the minister could inject if he turned away and set aside his manuscript. And while doing these things, the pulpit fulfills its duty, and let's believe it's doing its best, in the most unobjectionable and respectable way possible. So, I've said, and will continue to say, let's give the pulpit its fair credit for uplifting and inspiring the people; but when a pulpit assumes the authority to judge the work and value of another equally legitimate servant of God, who spent a lifetime preaching the same gospel without altering a single belief or principle of right, it's fair that someone who believes actors have a noble purpose and are effectively fulfilling it should speak out. And having spoken out, it's also fair to quietly inform the conventional minister a simple, enlightening truth: “Ministers aren’t the only servants of God on earth, nor the most effective ones, by a long shot!” Wise ministers already understand this, and it may benefit others to discover it too.

But to cease teaching and go back to the beginning again, was it not pitiable—that spectacle? Honored and honorable old George Holland, whose theatrical ministry had for fifty years softened hard hearts, bred generosity in cold ones, kindled emotion in dead ones, uplifted base ones, broadened bigoted ones, and made many and many a stricken one glad and filled it brimful of gratitude, figuratively spit upon in his unoffending coffin by this crawling, slimy, sanctimonious, self-righteous reptile!

But to stop teaching and start all over again, wasn’t that a sad sight? The esteemed and respectable old George Holland, whose theatrical work had for fifty years softened tough hearts, inspired generosity in cold ones, stirred emotions in the indifferent, uplifted the lowly, expanded narrow minds, and brought joy to countless suffering souls, was insulted even in his unoffending coffin by this crawling, slimy, holier-than-thou reptile!





APPENDIX K

A SUBSTITUTE FOR RULOFF HAVE WE A SIDNEY CARTON AMONG US?

(See Chapter lxxxii)

(See Chapter 82)

To EDITOR of 'Tribune'.

To the Editor of 'Tribune'.

SIR,—I believe in capital punishment. I believe that when a murder has been done it should be answered for with blood. I have all my life been taught to feel this way, and the fetters of education are strong. The fact that the death—law is rendered almost inoperative by its very severity does not alter my belief in its righteousness. The fact that in England the proportion of executions to condemnations is one to sixteen, and in this country only one to twenty-two, and in France only one to thirty-eight, does not shake my steadfast confidence in the propriety of retaining the death-penalty. It is better to hang one murderer in sixteen, twenty-two, thirty-eight than not to hang any at all.

SIR,—I believe in capital punishment. I think that when someone commits murder, it should be answered with blood. I've been taught to feel this way my whole life, and the lessons from my education are strong. The fact that the death penalty is rarely carried out because of how harsh it is doesn’t change my belief that it’s the right thing. The statistics showing that in England the ratio of executions to convictions is one to sixteen, in this country one to twenty-two, and in France one to thirty-eight, don’t shake my firm belief in keeping the death penalty. It’s better to execute one murderer among sixteen, twenty-two, or thirty-eight than to execute none at all.

Feeling as I do, I am not sorry that Ruloff is to be hanged, but I am sincerely sorry that he himself has made it necessary that his vast capabilities for usefulness should be lost to the world. In this, mine and the public's is a common regret. For it is plain that in the person of Ruloff one of the most marvelous of intellects that any age has produced is about to be sacrificed, and that, too, while half the mystery of its strange powers is yet a secret. Here is a man who has never entered the doors of a college or a university, and yet by the sheer might of his innate gifts has made himself such a colossus in abstruse learning that the ablest of our scholars are but pigmies in his presence. By the evidence of Professor Mather, Mr. Surbridge, Mr. Richmond, and other men qualified to testify, this man is as familiar with the broad domain of philology as common men are with the passing events of the day. His memory has such a limitless grasp that he is able to quote sentence after sentence, paragraph after paragraph, chapter after chapter, from a gnarled and knotty ancient literature that ordinary scholars are capable of achieving little more than a bowing acquaintance with. But his memory is the least of his great endowments. By the testimony of the gentlemen above referred to he is able to critically analyze the works of the old masters of literature, and while pointing out the beauties of the originals with a pure and discriminating taste is as quick to detect the defects of the accepted translations; and in the latter case, if exceptions be taken to his judgment, he straightway opens up the quarries of his exhaustless knowledge, and builds a very Chinese wall of evidence around his position. Every learned man who enters Ruloff's presence leaves it amazed and confounded by his prodigious capabilities and attainments. One scholar said he did not believe that in matters of subtle analysis, vast knowledge in his peculiar field of research, comprehensive grasp of subject, and serene kingship over its limitless and bewildering details, any land or any era of modern times had given birth to Ruloff's intellectual equal. What miracles this murderer might have wrought, and what luster he might have shed upon his country, if he had not put a forfeit upon his life so foolishly! But what if the law could be satisfied, and the gifted criminal still be saved. If a life be offered up on the gallows to atone for the murder Ruloff did, will that suffice? If so, give me the proofs, for in all earnestness and truth I aver that in such a case I will instantly bring forward a man who, in the interests of learning and science, will take Ruloff's crime upon himself, and submit to be hanged in Ruloff's place. I can, and will do this thing; and I propose this matter, and make this offer in good faith. You know me, and know my address.

Feeling as I do, I’m not sorry that Ruloff is going to be hanged, but I genuinely regret that he has made it necessary for his immense potential to benefit the world to be lost. This opinion is shared by both myself and the public. It’s clear that one of the most extraordinary intellects any era has seen is about to be sacrificed in Ruloff, and that much of the mystery of his unique abilities remains undiscovered. Here’s a man who has never set foot in a college or university, yet through sheer talent has become a giant in complex learning that the most skilled scholars are mere dwarfs by comparison. According to Professor Mather, Mr. Surbridge, Mr. Richmond, and others qualified to speak, this man is as knowledgeable about the vast field of philology as most people are about current events. His memory is so phenomenal that he can quote line after line, paragraph after paragraph, chapter after chapter from dense ancient texts that regular scholars only get to know superficially. But his memory is just one of his many remarkable gifts. The gentlemen mentioned previously attest that he can critically analyze the works of classic authors, and while highlighting the merits of the originals with a keen and refined taste, he is just as quick to point out the flaws in accepted translations; and if anyone disagrees with his assessments, he promptly brings forth an abundance of knowledge to support his views. Every scholarly person who meets Ruloff leaves feeling amazed and bewildered by his extraordinary abilities and achievements. One scholar remarked that he doubted any place or time in modern history has produced an intellectual equal to Ruloff, especially in terms of subtle analysis, extensive knowledge in his specialized field, comprehensive understanding of the subject, and calm mastery over its vast and complex details. What wonders this criminal could have created, and what brilliance he could have brought to his country if he hadn’t foolishly forfeited his life! But what if the law could be satisfied and the talented criminal saved? If a life is sacrificed on the gallows to pay for Ruloff’s murder, will that be enough? If it is, then give me proof, for I can sincerely say that in such a case, I would gladly present a man who, in the name of learning and science, would take Ruloff’s crime upon himself and willingly be hanged in his place. I can and will do this; I propose this and make this offer in good faith. You know me, and you know where to find me.

                     SAMUEL LANGHORNE.
                                   April 29, 1871.
SAMUEL LANGHORNE.  
                                   April 29, 1871.




APPENDIX L. ABOUT LONDON

ADDRESS AT A DINNER GIVEN BY THE SAVAGE CLUB, LONDON, SEPTEMBER 28, 1872.

ADDRESS AT A DINNER GIVEN BY THE SAVAGE CLUB, LONDON, SEPTEMBER 28, 1872.

(See Chapter lxxxvii)

(See Chapter 87)

Reported by Moncure D. Conway in the Cincinnati Commercial

Reported by Moncure D. Conway in the Cincinnati Commercial

It affords me sincere pleasure to meet this distinguished club, a club which has extended its hospitalities and its cordial welcome to so many of my countrymen. I hope [and here the speaker's voice became low and fluttering] you will excuse these clothes. I am going to the theater; that will explain these clothes. I have other clothes than these. Judging human nature by what I have seen of it, I suppose that the customary thing for a stranger to do when he stands here is to make a pun on the name of this club, under the impression, of course, that he is the first man that that idea has occurred to. It is a credit to our human nature, not a blemish upon it; for it shows that underlying all our depravity (and God knows and you know we are depraved enough) and all our sophistication, and untarnished by them, there is a sweet germ of innocence and simplicity still. When a stranger says to me, with a glow of inspiration in his eye, some gentle, innocuous little thing about “Twain and one flesh” and all that sort of thing, I don't try to crush that man into the earth—no. I feel like saying, “Let me take you by the hand, sir; let me embrace you; I have not heard that pun for weeks.” We will deal in palpable puns. We will call parties named King “your Majesty” and we will say to the Smiths that we think we have heard that name before somewhere. Such is human nature. We cannot alter this. It is God that made us so for some good and wise purpose. Let us not repine. But though I may seem strange, may seem eccentric, I mean to refrain from punning upon the name of this club, though I could make a very good one if I had time to think about it—a week.

I'm truly happy to meet this esteemed club, which has warmly welcomed so many of my fellow countrymen. I hope [and here the speaker's voice became low and fluttering] you’ll forgive my outfit. I’m on my way to the theater; that explains these clothes. I have other outfits besides this one. Based on what I've seen of human nature, I guess the usual thing for a newcomer here is to make a pun on the club's name, thinking, of course, that they’re the first to come up with the idea. It speaks well of our human nature, rather than detracting from it; it shows that beneath all our flaws (and you know as well as I do that we have plenty) and all our sophistication, there's still a sweet spark of innocence and simplicity. When a stranger says something with inspiration in their eyes, a gentle little pun about "Twain and one flesh" or something like that, I don’t feel like putting that person down—no. I want to say, “Let me take your hand, sir; let me hug you; I haven’t heard that pun in weeks.” We’ll stick to obvious puns. We’ll call people named King “your Majesty” and we’ll tell the Smiths that we think we’ve heard that name before. That’s just human nature. We can’t change it. It’s God who created us this way for some good and wise reason. Let’s not complain. But even though I might seem strange or eccentric, I intend to avoid making a pun on the name of this club, even though I could come up with a really good one if I had a week to think about it.

I cannot express to you what entire enjoyment I find in this first visit to this prodigious metropolis of yours. Its wonders seem to me to be limitless. I go about as in a dream—as in a realm of enchantment—where many things are rare and beautiful, and all things are strange and marvelous. Hour after hour I stand—I stand spellbound, as it were-and gaze upon the statuary in Leicester Square. [Leicester Square being a horrible chaos, with the relic of an equestrian statue in the center, the king being headless and limbless, and the horse in little better condition.] I visit the mortuary effigies of noble old Henry VIII., and Judge Jeffreys, and the preserved gorilla, and try to make up my mind which of my ancestors I admire the most. I go to that matchless Hyde Park and drive all around it, and then I start to enter it at the Marble Arch—and am induced to “change my mind.” [Cabs are not permitted in Hyde Park—nothing less aristocratic than a private carriage.] It is a great benefaction—is Hyde Park. There, in his hansom cab, the invalid can go—the poor, sad child of misfortune—and insert his nose between the railings, and breathe the pure, health-giving air of the country and of heaven. And if he is a swell invalid who isn't obliged to depend upon parks for his country air he can drive inside—if he owns his vehicle. I drive round and round Hyde Park and the more I see of the edges of it the more grateful I am that the margin is extensive.

I can't describe how much joy I find in this first visit to your amazing city. Its wonders seem endless. I wander about like I'm in a dream—like I'm in a magical place—where many things are rare and beautiful, and everything feels strange and incredible. Hour after hour, I stand—completely captivated—and gaze at the statues in Leicester Square. [Leicester Square being a chaotic mess, with a worn equestrian statue in the center, the king missing his head and limbs, and the horse not in much better shape.] I check out the lifelike figures of the noble old Henry VIII, Judge Jeffreys, and the preserved gorilla, trying to decide which of my ancestors I admire the most. I visit the amazing Hyde Park and drive all around it, and then I try to enter at the Marble Arch—but I'm advised to “change my mind.” [Cabs aren't allowed in Hyde Park—nothing less upscale than a private carriage.] Hyde Park is a wonderful gift. There, in his hansom cab, the invalid can go—the poor, unfortunate child of misfortune—and stick his nose between the railings to breathe the clean, refreshing air of the countryside and heaven. And if he’s a wealthy invalid who doesn’t have to rely on parks for his fresh air, he can drive in—if he owns a vehicle. I drive around and around Hyde Park, and the more I see of its edges, the more grateful I am that the perimeter is so wide.

And I have been to the Zoological Gardens. What a wonderful place that is! I have never seen such a curious and interesting variety of wild-animals in any garden before—except Mabille. I never believed before there were so many different kinds of animals in the world as you can find there—and I don't believe it yet. I have been to the British Museum. I would advise you to drop in there some time when you have nothing to do for—five minutes—if you have never been there. It seems to me the noblest monument this nation has, yet erected to her greatness. I say to her, our greatness—as a nation. True, she has built other monuments, and stately ones, as well; but these she has uplifted in honor of two or three colossal demigods who have stalked across the world's stage, destroying tyrants and delivering nations, and whose prodigies will still live in the memories of men ages after their monuments shall have crumbled to dust—I refer to the Wellington and Nelson monuments, and—the Albert memorial. [Sarcasm. The Albert memorial is the finest monument in the world, and celebrates the existence of as commonplace a person as good luck ever lifted out of obscurity.]

And I have been to the Zoo. What a fantastic place that is! I've never seen such a curious and interesting variety of wild animals in any garden before—except Mabille. I never believed there were so many different kinds of animals in the world as you can find there—and I still don’t believe it. I have been to the British Museum. I recommend you stop by sometime when you have nothing to do for—five minutes—if you’ve never been there. It seems to me the grandest monument this nation has built to celebrate her greatness. I say to her, our greatness—as a nation. Sure, she has built other monuments, and impressive ones, too; but those were raised in honor of a few colossal heroes who have walked across the world's stage, defeating tyrants and freeing nations, and whose incredible feats will still be remembered long after their monuments have crumbled to dust—I mean the Wellington and Nelson monuments, and—the Albert memorial. [Sarcasm. The Albert memorial is the finest monument in the world and celebrates the life of a totally ordinary person who stumbled into the spotlight.]

The Library at the British Museum I find particularly astounding. I have read there hours together, and hardly made an impression on it. I revere that library. It is the author's friend. I don't care how mean a book is, it always takes one copy. [A copy of every book printed in Great Britain must by law be sent to the British Museum, a law much complained of by publishers.] And then every day that author goes there to gaze at that book, and is encouraged to go on in the good work. And what a touching sight it is of a Saturday afternoon to see the poor, careworn clergymen gathered together in that vast reading-room cabbaging sermons for Sunday! You will pardon my referring to these things. Everything in this monster city interests me, and I cannot keep from talking, even at the risk of being instructive. People here seem always to express distances by parables. To a stranger it is just a little confusing to be so parabolic—so to speak. I collar a citizen, and I think I am going to get some valuable information out of him. I ask him how far it is to Birmingham, and he says it is twenty-one shillings and sixpence. Now we know that doesn't help a man who is trying to learn. I find myself down-town somewhere, and I want to get some sort of idea where I am—being usually lost when alone—and I stop a citizen and say, “How far is it to Charing Cross?” “Shilling fare in a cab,” and off he goes. I suppose if I were to ask a Londoner how far it is from the sublime to the ridiculous he would try to express it in a coin. But I am trespassing upon your time with these geological statistics and historical reflections. I will not longer keep you from your orgies. 'Tis a real pleasure for me to be here, and I thank you for it. The name of the Savage Club is associated in my mind with the kindly interest and the friendly offices which you lavished upon an old friend of mine who came among you a stranger, and you opened your English hearts to him and gave him a welcome and a home—Artemus Ward. Asking that you will join me, I give you his Memory.

The Library at the British Museum is truly amazing. I've spent hours reading there and barely scratched the surface. I really admire that library. It's a friend to authors. No matter how insignificant a book is, it always gets a copy. [By law, a copy of every book printed in Great Britain must be sent to the British Museum, a law that many publishers complain about.] Every day, that author visits to look at their book and is inspired to continue their good work. And what a touching sight it is on a Saturday afternoon to see the tired, stressed-out clergymen gathered in that huge reading room, piecing together sermons for Sunday! Please forgive me for bringing these things up. Everything in this huge city fascinates me, and I can’t help but talk, even if I might be a bit instructive. People here seem to express distances through stories. For a stranger, this can be a bit confusing. I approach a local, thinking I'm about to get some useful information. I ask how far it is to Birmingham, and he tells me it’s twenty-one shillings and sixpence. That doesn't really help someone trying to figure things out. I find myself downtown somewhere, lost as usual, and I stop someone to ask, “How far is it to Charing Cross?” “Shilling fare in a cab,” he replies, and then walks away. I imagine if I asked a Londoner how far it is from the sublime to the ridiculous, he’d try to express it in terms of money. But I’m taking up your time with these random facts and historical reflections. I won't keep you from your celebrations any longer. It’s a real pleasure to be here, and I appreciate it. The name of the Savage Club brings to mind the warm interest and kind hospitality you showed to an old friend of mine when he arrived as a stranger. You opened your hearts to him and welcomed him—Artemus Ward. Please join me in raising a toast to his memory.





APPENDIX M

LETTER WRITTEN TO MRS. CLEMENS FROM BOSTON, NOVEMBER, 1874, PROPHESYING A MONARCHY IN SIXTY-ONE YEARS.

LETTER WRITTEN TO MRS. CLEMENS FROM BOSTON, NOVEMBER, 1874, PREDICTING A MONARCHY IN SIXTY-ONE YEARS.

(See Chapter xcvii)

(See Chapter 97)

                            BOSTON, November 16, 1935.
BOSTON, November 16, 1935.

DEAR LIVY,—You observe I still call this beloved old place by the name it had when I was young. Limerick! It is enough to make a body sick.

DEAR LIVY,—You notice I still call this cherished old place by the name it had when I was younger. Limerick! It’s enough to make someone feel ill.

The gentlemen-in-waiting stare to see me sit here telegraphing this letter to you, and no doubt they are smiling in their sleeves. But let them! The slow old fashions are good enough for me, thank God, and I will none other. When I see one of these modern fools sit absorbed, holding the end of a telegraph wire in his hand, and reflect that a thousand miles away there is another fool hitched to the other end of it, it makes me frantic with rage; and then I am more implacably fixed and resolved than ever to continue taking twenty minutes to telegraph you what I might communicate in ten seconds by the new way if I would so debase myself. And when I see a whole silent, solemn drawing-room full of idiots sitting with their hands on each other's foreheads “communing” I tug the white hairs from my head and curse till my asthma brings me the blessed relief of suffocation. In our old day such a gathering talked pure drivel and “rot,” mostly, but better that, a thousand times, than these dreary conversational funerals that oppress our spirits in this mad generation.

The guys waiting around are watching me as I sit here sending this letter to you, and I’m sure they’re smirking to themselves. But let them! I’m perfectly happy with the good old-fashioned ways, thank goodness, and I won’t change. When I see one of these modern idiots completely absorbed, holding the end of a telegraph wire in his hand, and realize that a thousand miles away there’s another fool at the other end, it drives me crazy with anger; and then I’m even more determined to take twenty minutes to send you what I could say in ten seconds using the new method if I wanted to lower myself like that. And when I see an entire silent, serious drawing room full of idiots with their hands on each other’s foreheads “communing,” I pull the white hairs from my head and curse until my asthma gives me the sweet relief of suffocation. Back in my day, such a gathering talked pure nonsense and “rubbish,” but I’d take that a thousand times over these dreary conversational funerals that weigh down our spirits in this crazy generation.

It is sixty years since I was here before. I walked hither then with my precious old friend. It seems incredible now that we did it in two days, but such is my recollection. I no longer mention that we walked back in a single day, it makes me so furious to see doubt in the face of the hearer. Men were men in those old times. Think of one of the puerile organisms in this effeminate age attempting such a feat.

It’s been sixty years since I was here last. I came here then with my dear old friend. It’s hard to believe we did it in just two days, but that’s how I remember it. I won't even mention that we walked back in a single day; it makes me so angry to see disbelief on people’s faces. Men were strong back in those days. Just think of one of today’s weaklings trying to pull off something like that.

My air-ship was delayed by a collision with a fellow from China loaded with the usual cargo of jabbering, copper-colored missionaries, and so I was nearly an hour on my journey. But by the goodness of God thirteen of the missionaries were crippled and several killed, so I was content to lose the time. I love to lose time anyway because it brings soothing reminiscences of the creeping railroad days of old, now lost to us forever.

My airship was delayed due to a collision with a guy from China who was carrying a bunch of noisy, copper-skinned missionaries, so I was almost an hour behind on my trip. But thanks to God, thirteen of the missionaries were injured and several were killed, so I was okay with losing the time. I actually enjoy losing time because it brings back comforting memories of the slow train days of the past, which are now gone forever.

Our game was neatly played, and successfully. None expected us, of course. You should have seen the guards at the ducal palace stare when I said, “Announce his Grace the Archbishop of Dublin and the Right Honorable the Earl of Hartford.” Arrived within, we were all eyes to see the Duke of Cambridge and his Duchess, wondering if we might remember their faces and they ours. In a moment they came tottering in; he, bent and withered and bald; she, blooming with wholesome old age. He peered through his glasses a moment, then screeched in a reedy voice, “Come to my arms! Away with titles—I'll know ye by no names but Twain and Twichell!” Then fell he on our necks and jammed his trumpet in his ear, the which we filled with shoutings to this effect: “God bless you, old Howells, what is left of you!”

Our game went smoothly and was a success. No one expected us, of course. You should have seen the guards at the ducal palace stare when I said, “Announce His Grace the Archbishop of Dublin and the Right Honorable the Earl of Hartford.” Once inside, we were eager to see the Duke of Cambridge and his Duchess, curious if we might remember their faces and vice versa. In a moment, they came in; he, bent and frail and bald; she, radiant with healthy old age. He peered through his glasses for a moment, then yelled in a high-pitched voice, “Come to my arms! Forget the titles—I’ll call you nothing but Twain and Twichell!” Then he threw his arms around us and shoved his trumpet in his ear, which we filled with cheers: “God bless you, old Howells, whatever’s left of you!”

We talked late that night—none of your silent idiot “communings” for us—of the olden time. We rolled a stream of ancient anecdotes over our tongues and drank till the Lord Archbishop grew so mellow in the mellow past that Dublin ceased to be Dublin to him, and resumed its sweeter, forgotten name of New York. In truth he almost got back into his ancient religion, too, good Jesuit as he has always been since O'Mulligan the First established that faith in the empire.

We talked late that night—none of those awkward silent “communings” for us—about the good old days. We shared a bunch of old stories and drank until the Lord Archbishop got so comfortable reminiscing that Dublin stopped feeling like Dublin to him, and he started thinking of it by its sweeter, forgotten name of New York. Honestly, he nearly returned to his old faith too, good Jesuit that he’s always been since O'Mulligan the First set up that religion in the empire.

And we canvassed everybody. Bailey Aldrich, Marquis of Ponkapog, came in, got nobly drunk, and told us all about how poor Osgood lost his earldom and was hanged for conspiring against the second Emperor; but he didn't mention how near he himself came to being hanged, too, for engaging in the same enterprise. He was as chaffy as he was sixty years ago, too, and swore the Archbishop and I never walked to Boston; but there was never a day that Ponkapog wouldn't lie, so be it by the grace of God he got the opportunity.

And we talked to everyone. Bailey Aldrich, Marquis of Ponkapog, showed up, got really drunk, and filled us in on how poor Osgood lost his title and was executed for plotting against the second Emperor; but he didn't mention how close he himself came to being hanged for getting involved in the same scheme. He was just as full of nonsense as he was sixty years ago, too, and insisted that the Archbishop and I never walked to Boston; but there was never a day that Ponkapog wouldn’t lie, so by the grace of God, he got his chance.

The Lord High Admiral came in, a hale gentleman close upon seventy and bronzed by the suns and storms of many climes and scarred by the wounds got in many battles, and I told him how I had seen him sit in a high-chair and eat fruit and cakes and answer to the name of Johnny. His granddaughter (the eldest) is but lately married to the youngest of the Grand Dukes, and so who knows but a day may come when the blood of the Howellses may reign in the land? I must not forget to say, while I think of it, that your new false teeth are done, my dear, and your wig. Keep your head well bundled with a shawl till the latter comes, and so cheat your persecuting neuralgias and rheumatisms. Would you believe it?—the Duchess of Cambridge is deafer than you—deafer than her husband. They call her to breakfast with a salvo of artillery; and usually when it thunders she looks up expectantly and says, “Come in.” But she has become subdued and gentle with age and never destroys the furniture now, except when uncommonly vexed. God knows, my dear, it would be a happy thing if you and old Lady Harmony would imitate this spirit. But indeed the older you grow the less secure becomes the furniture. When I throw chairs through the window I have sufficient reason to back it. But you—you are but a creature of passion.

The Lord High Admiral came in, a healthy gentleman close to seventy, tanned by the sun and storms from many places and marked by the wounds he got in numerous battles. I told him how I had seen him sitting in a high chair, eating fruit and cakes, and responding to the name Johnny. His eldest granddaughter just got married to the youngest of the Grand Dukes, so who knows, maybe one day the Howell blood will rule the land? I mustn't forget to mention, while I'm thinking about it, that your new dentures are ready, my dear, along with your wig. Keep your head wrapped up in a shawl until the latter arrives, and that way you can fend off those pesky neuralgias and rheumatism. Would you believe it? The Duchess of Cambridge is deafer than you—deaf as her husband. They call her to breakfast with a blast of cannons; usually, when it thunders, she looks up hopefully and says, "Come in." But she's become calm and gentle with age and doesn't break furniture anymore, except when she's really annoyed. God knows, my dear, it would be a good thing if you and old Lady Harmony could take a page from her book. But honestly, the older you get, the less stable the furniture becomes. When I throw chairs out the window, I have plenty of reasons to do it. But you—you’re just a creature of passion.

The monument to the author of 'Gloverson and His Silent Partners' is finished.—[Ralph Keeler. See chap. lxxxiii.]—It is the stateliest and the costliest ever erected to the memory of any man. This noble classic has now been translated into all the languages of the earth and is adored by all nations and known to all creatures. Yet I have conversed as familiarly with the author of it as I do with my own great-grandchildren.

The monument to the author of 'Gloverson and His Silent Partners' is finished. —[Ralph Keeler. See chap. lxxxiii.]— It is the most impressive and expensive one ever built in memory of any man. This noble classic has now been translated into every language around the world and is loved by all nations and recognized by all beings. Yet I have talked as casually with its author as I do with my own great-grandchildren.

I wish you could see old Cambridge and Ponkapog. I love them as dearly as ever, but privately, my dear, they are not much improvement on idiots. It is melancholy to hear them jabber over the same pointless anecdotes three and four times of an evening, forgetting that they had jabbered them over three or four times the evening before. Ponkapog still writes poetry, but the old-time fire has mostly gone out of it. Perhaps his best effort of late years is this:

I wish you could see old Cambridge and Ponkapog. I love them just as much as ever, but honestly, my dear, they're not much better than idiots. It's sad to listen to them chat about the same meaningless stories three or four times in one evening, completely forgetting that they had already repeated them three or four times the night before. Ponkapog still writes poetry, but most of the passion has faded from it. Maybe his best work in recent years is this:

           O soul, soul, soul of mine!
           Soul, soul, soul of throe!
           Thy soul, my soul, two souls entwine,
           And sing thy lauds in crystal wine!
           O soul, soul, soul of mine!  
           Soul, soul, soul of pain!  
           Your soul, my soul, two souls intertwined,  
           And sing your praises in crystal wine!

This he goes about repeating to everybody, daily and nightly, insomuch that he is become a sore affliction to all that know him.

He keeps telling everyone this, day and night, to the point that he has become a real burden to everyone around him.

But I must desist. There are draughts here everywhere and my gout is something frightful. My left foot hath resemblance to a snuff-bladder. God be with you. HARTFORD.

But I have to stop. There are drafts everywhere and my gout is really bad. My left foot looks like a snuff box. God be with you. HARTFORD.

These to Lady Hartford, in the earldom of Hartford, in the upper portion of the city of Dublin.

These are to Lady Hartford, in the earldom of Hartford, in the northern part of the city of Dublin.





APPENDIX N

MARK TWAIN AND COPYRIGHT

I. PETITION

I. Request

Concerning Copyright (1875) (See Chapter cii)

Concerning Copyright (1875) (See Chapter 102)

TO THE SENATE AND HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES OF THE UNITED STATES IN CONGRESS ASSEMBLED.

TO THE SENATE AND HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES OF THE UNITED STATES IN CONGRESS ASSEMBLED.

We, your petitioners, do respectfully represent as follows, viz.: That justice, plain and simple, is a thing which right-feeling men stand ready at all times to accord to brothers and strangers alike. All such men will concede that it is but plain, simple justice that American authors should be protected by copyright in Europe; also, that European authors should be protected by copyright here.

We, the undersigned, respectfully state the following: That true justice is something that good-hearted people are willing to grant to both friends and strangers at all times. All such people agree that it is just and fair for American authors to have copyright protection in Europe, and likewise, for European authors to have copyright protection here.

Both divisions of this proposition being true, it behooves our government to concern itself with that division of it which comes peculiarly within its province—viz., the latter moiety—and to grant to foreign authors with all convenient despatch a full and effective copyright in America without marring the grace of the act by stopping to inquire whether a similar justice will be done our own authors by foreign governments. If it were even known that those governments would not extend this justice to us it would still not justify us in withholding this manifest right from their authors. If a thing is right it ought to be done—the thing called “expediency” or “policy” has no concern with such a matter. And we desire to repeat, with all respect, that it is not a grace or a privilege we ask for our foreign brethren, but a right—a right received from God, and only denied them by man. We hold no ownership in these authors, and when we take their work from them, as at present, without their consent, it is robbery. The fact that the handiwork of our own authors is seized in the same way in foreign lands neither excuses nor mitigates our sin.

Both parts of this statement are true, so it’s up to our government to focus on the part that falls within its responsibility—specifically, the latter half—and to promptly grant foreign authors a full and effective copyright in America without complicating the process by questioning whether foreign governments will offer the same fairness to our own authors. Even if we knew those governments wouldn’t give us this fairness, it wouldn’t justify us denying this clear right to their authors. If something is right, it should be done—considerations of “expediency” or “policy” should have no bearing on the matter. We want to emphasize, with all due respect, that what we seek for our foreign peers is not a favor or privilege, but a right—a right given by God and only denied by humans. We hold no claim over these authors, and when we take their work without their consent, as we do now, it is theft. The fact that our own authors' work is stolen in foreign countries does not excuse or lessen our wrongdoing.

With your permission we will say here, over our signatures, and earnestly and sincerely, that we very greatly desire that you shall grant a full copyright to foreign authors (the copyright fee for the entry in the office of the Congressional Librarian to be the same as we pay ourselves), and we also as greatly desire that this grant shall be made without a single hampering stipulation that American authors shall receive in turn an advantage of any kind from foreign governments.

With your permission, we want to express here, under our signatures, that we sincerely and strongly hope you will grant full copyright to foreign authors (the copyright fee for registration with the Congressional Librarian should be the same as what we pay ourselves). We also strongly desire that this grant be made without any restrictions that would require American authors to receive any benefits from foreign governments in return.

Since no author who was applied to hesitated for a moment to append his signature to this petition we are satisfied that if time had permitted we could have procured the signature of every writer in the United States, great and small, obscure or famous. As it is, the list comprises the names of about all our writers whose works have at present a European market, and who are therefore chiefly concerned in this matter.

Since every author we approached quickly signed this petition, we believe that if we had more time, we could have gathered the signatures of every writer in the United States, whether they are well-known or not. As it stands, the list includes nearly all our writers whose works currently have a market in Europe, and who are therefore most affected by this issue.

No objection to our proposition can come from any reputable publisher among us—or does come from such a quarter, as the appended signatures of our greatest publishing firms will attest. A European copyright here would be a manifest advantage to them. As the matter stands now the moment they have thoroughly advertised a desirable foreign book, and thus at great expense aroused public interest in it, some small-spirited speculator (who has lain still in his kennel and spent nothing) rushes the same book on the market and robs the respectable publisher of half the gains.

No reputable publisher among us can object to our proposal—or if they do, the attached signatures from our top publishing firms prove otherwise. A European copyright would clearly benefit them. As it stands now, once they have fully promoted a foreign book and generated public interest at a significant cost, some unscrupulous individual (who has done nothing and spent nothing) rushes to sell the same book and takes half the profits from the legitimate publisher.

Then, since neither our authors nor the decent among our publishing firms will object to granting an American copyright to foreign authors and artists, who can there be to object? Surely nobody whose protest is entitled to any weight.

Then, since neither our authors nor the respectable publishing companies will object to giving an American copyright to foreign authors and artists, who could possibly object? Surely no one whose complaint holds any significance.

Trusting in the righteousness of our cause we, your petitioners, will
ever pray, etc.                     With great respect,
                                Your Ob't Serv'ts.
Trusting in the justice of our cause, we, your petitioners, will always pray, etc.                     With great respect,
                                Your Ob't Serv'ts.




CIRCULAR TO AMERICAN AUTHORS AND PUBLISHERS

DEAR SIR,—We believe that you will recognize the justice and the
righteousness of the thing we desire to accomplish through the
accompanying petition. And we believe that you will be willing that our
country shall be the first in the world to grant to all authors alike
the free exercise of their manifest right to do as they please with the
fruit of their own labor without inquiring what flag they live under. If
the sentiments of the petition meet your views, will you do us the favor
to sign it and forward it by post at your earliest convenience to our
secretary?

                               }Committee
Address      —————————-Secretary of the Committee.
DEAR SIR,—We believe you will understand the fairness and righteousness of what we're trying to achieve with this petition. We hope you will agree that our country should be the first in the world to grant all authors the freedom to do what they want with the results of their own work, regardless of what flag they live under. If the message of the petition aligns with your views, could you please sign it and send it to our secretary by mail at your earliest convenience?

                               }Committee
Address      —————————-Secretary of the Committee.




II. Communications supposed to have been written by the Tsar of Russia

and the Sultan of Turkey to Mark Twain on the subject of International Copyright, about 1890.

and the Sultan of Turkey to Mark Twain regarding International Copyright, around 1890.

                            ST. PETERSBURG, February.
St. Petersburg, February.

COL. MARK TWAIN, Washington.

COL. MARK TWAIN, Washington, D.C.

Your cablegram received. It should have been transmitted through my minister, but let that pass. I am opposed to international copyright. At present American literature is harmless here because we doctor it in such a way as to make it approve the various beneficent devices which we use to keep our people favorable to fetters as jewelry and pleased with Siberia as a summer resort. But your bill would spoil this. We should be obliged to let you say your say in your own way. 'Voila'! my empire would be a republic in five years and I should be sampling Siberia myself.

I got your cable. It should've gone through my minister, but never mind. I'm against international copyright. Right now, American literature is harmless here because we tweak it to make it support the various nice things we use to keep our people happy with restrictions like they're accessories and content with Siberia as a vacation spot. But your bill would ruin that. We'd have to let you express yourselves how you want. 'Voila'! My empire would turn into a republic in five years, and I’d be checking out Siberia myself.

If you should run across Mr. Kennan—[George Kennan, who had graphically pictured the fearful conditions of Siberian exile.]—please ask him to come over and give some readings. I will take good care of him.

If you happen to see Mr. Kennan—[George Kennan, who vividly described the harsh realities of Siberian exile.]—please invite him to come over and do some readings. I'll make sure he’s well taken care of.

                                ALEXANDER III.
ALEXANDER III.

144—Collect.

Collect.

                            CONSTANTINOPLE, February.
Istanbul, February.

DR. MARK TWAIN, Washington.

Dr. Mark Twain, Washington.

Great Scott, no! By the beard of the Prophet, no! How can you ask such a thing of me? I am a man of family. I cannot take chances, like other people. I cannot let a literature come in here which teaches that a man's wife is as good as the man himself. Such a doctrine cannot do any particular harm, of course, where the man has only one wife, for then it is a dead-level between them, and there is no humiliating inequality, and no resulting disorder; but you take an extremely married person, like me, and go to teaching that his wife is 964 times as good as he is, and what's hell to that harem, dear friend? I never saw such a fool as you. Do not mind that expression; I already regret it, and would replace it with a softer one if I could do it without debauching the truth. I beseech you, do not pass that bill. Roberts College is quite all the American product we can stand just now. On top of that, do you want to send us a flood of freedom-shrieking literature which we can't edit the poison out of, but must let it go among our people just as it is? My friend, we should be a republic inside of ten years.

Oh no, not at all! By the Prophet's beard, absolutely not! How can you ask me something like that? I'm a family man. I can’t take the kinds of risks others do. I can’t allow a culture to come in here that teaches that a man's wife is just as valuable as he is. That kind of idea isn’t harmful, of course, if a man has only one wife, because then they’re on equal ground, and there’s no embarrassing inequality or chaos. But you take someone extremely married, like me, and teach that his wife is 964 times better than he is, and what chaos does that lead to, my friend? I've never met someone as foolish as you. Don’t take offense; I already regret saying that, and I’d use a gentler term if I could do so without sacrificing the truth. Please, do not pass that bill. Roberts College is about all the American influence we can handle right now. And do you really want to overwhelm us with a wave of radical literature that we can't filter out but must let loose among our people just as it is? My friend, we’d turn into a republic within ten years.

                                       ABDUL II.
ABDUL II.

III. MARK TWAIN'S LAST SUGGESTION ON COPYRIGHT.

III. MARK TWAIN'S FINAL THOUGHTS ON COPYRIGHT.

A MEMORIAL RESPECTFULLY TENDERED TO THE MEMBERS OF THE SENATE AND THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.

A MEMORIAL RESPECTFULLY PRESENTED TO THE MEMBERS OF THE SENATE AND THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.

(Prepared early in 1909 at the suggestion of Mr. Champ Clack but not offered. A bill adding fourteen years to the copyright period was passed about this time.)

(Prepared early in 1909 at the suggestion of Mr. Champ Clack but not offered. A bill adding fourteen years to the copyright period was passed around this time.)

The Policy of Congress:—Nineteen or twenty years ago James Russell Lowell, George Haven Putnam, and the under signed appeared before the Senate Committee on Patents in the interest of Copyright. Up to that time, as explained by Senator Platt, of Connecticut, the policy of Congress had been to limit the life of a copyright by a term of years, with one definite end in view, and only one—to wit, that after an author had been permitted to enjoy for a reasonable length of time the income from literary property created by his hand and brain the property should then be transferred “to the public” as a free gift. That is still the policy of Congress to-day.

The Policy of Congress:—Nineteen or twenty years ago, James Russell Lowell, George Haven Putnam, and the undersigned appeared before the Senate Committee on Patents to advocate for Copyright. Up until that time, as Senator Platt from Connecticut explained, Congress's policy had been to limit the duration of a copyright to a certain number of years, with one clear objective: after an author had a reasonable amount of time to benefit financially from the literary work they created, the rights to that work should then be given "to the public" as a gift. This remains Congress's policy today.

The Purpose in View:—The purpose in view was clear: to so reduce the price of the book as to bring it within the reach of all purses, and spread it among the millions who had not been able to buy it while it was still under the protection of copyright.

The Purpose in View:—The goal was clear: to lower the book's price enough to make it affordable for everyone and to share it with the millions who couldn't buy it while it was still protected by copyright.

The Purpose Defeated:—This purpose has always been defeated. That is to say, that while the death of a copyright has sometimes reduced the price of a book by a half for a while, and in some cases by even more, it has never reduced it vastly, nor accomplished any reduction that was permanent and secure.

The Purpose Defeated:—This purpose has always failed. In other words, while the expiration of a copyright has occasionally cut the price of a book in half for a time, and in some cases even more, it has never significantly decreased the price, nor has it achieved any lasting and reliable reduction.

The Reason:—The reason is simple: Congress has never made a reduction compulsory. Congress was convinced that the removal of the author's royalty and the book's consequent (or at least probable) dispersal among several competing publishers would make the book cheap by force of the competition. It was an error. It has not turned out so. The reason is, a publisher cannot find profit in an exceedingly cheap edition if he must divide the market with competitors.

The Reason:—The reason is simple: Congress has never made a reduction mandatory. Congress believed that getting rid of the author's royalty and the book's likely spread among several competing publishers would make the book cheaper due to competition. That was a mistake. It hasn't happened that way. The reality is, a publisher can’t make a profit on an extremely cheap edition if he has to share the market with competitors.

Proposed Remedy:—The natural remedy would seem to be, amended law requiring the issue of cheap editions.

Proposed Remedy:—The natural solution appears to be an updated law that mandates the release of affordable editions.

Copyright Extension:—I think the remedy could be accomplished in the following way, without injury to author or publisher, and with extreme advantage to the public: by an amendment to the existing law providing as follows—to wit: that at any time between the beginning of a book's forty-first year and the ending of its forty-second the owner of the copyright may extend its life thirty years by issuing and placing on sale an edition of the book at one-tenth the price of the cheapest edition hitherto issued at any time during the ten immediately preceding years. This extension to lapse and become null and void if at any time during the thirty years he shall fail during the space of three consecutive months to furnish the ten per cent. book upon demand of any person or persons desiring to buy it.

Copyright Extension:—I believe the solution could be achieved in the following way, without harming the author or publisher, and greatly benefiting the public: by amending the current law to state that at any time between the start of a book’s forty-first year and the end of its forty-second, the copyright owner may extend its duration by thirty years by releasing and selling a new edition of the book at one-tenth the price of the cheapest edition sold during the ten years prior. This extension would become invalid if, at any point during the thirty years, the owner fails to provide the ten percent edition upon request from anyone wanting to buy it for three consecutive months.

The Result:—The result would be that no American classic enjoying the thirty-year extension would ever be out of the reach of any American purse, let its uncompulsory price be what it might. He would get a two-dollar book for 20 cents, and he could get none but copyright-expired classics at any such rate.

The Result:—The outcome would be that no American classic with the thirty-year extension would ever be unaffordable for any American, regardless of its optional price. He could buy a two-dollar book for 20 cents, and he could only find copyright-expired classics at that price.

The Final Result:—At the end of the thirty-year extension the copyright would again die, and the price would again advance. This by a natural law, the excessively cheap edition no longer carrying with it an advantage to any publisher.

The Final Result:—After the thirty-year extension, the copyright would expire again, and the price would go up once more. This is a natural law, as the overly cheap edition would no longer be beneficial for any publisher.

Reconstruction of The Present Law Not Necessary:—A clause of the suggested amendment could read about as follows, and would obviate the necessity of taking the present law to pieces and building it over again:

Reconstruction of The Present Law Not Necessary:—A clause of the suggested amendment could read something like this, and would eliminate the need to take apart the current law and rebuild it from scratch:

    All books and all articles enjoying forty-two years copyright-life
    under the present law shall be admitted to the privilege of the
    thirty-year extension upon complying with the condition requiring
    the producing and placing upon permanent sale of one grade or form
    of said book or article at a price of 90 per cent. below the
    cheapest rate at which said book or article had been placed upon the
    market at any time during the immediately preceding ten years.

                       REMARKS
    All books and articles with forty-two years of copyright under current law will qualify for a thirty-year extension if they meet the requirement of producing and permanently selling one version of the book or article at a price that is 90 percent lower than the lowest price it was sold for at any point in the last ten years.

                       REMARKS

If the suggested amendment shall meet with the favor of the present Congress and become law—and I hope it will—I shall have personal experience of its effects very soon. Next year, in fact, in the person of my first book, 'The Innocents Abroad'. For its forty-two-year copyright-life will then cease and its thirty-year extension begin—and with the latter the permanent low-rate edition. At present the highest price of the book is eight dollars, and its lowest price three dollars per copy. Thus the permanent low rate will be thirty cents per copy. A sweeping reduction like this is what Congress from the beginning has desired to achieve, but has not been able to accomplish because no inducement was offered to publishers to run the risk.

If the proposed amendment gains the support of Congress and becomes law—and I hope it does—I will soon experience its effects personally. In fact, next year, with the release of my first book, 'The Innocents Abroad'. Its forty-two-year copyright will expire, and a thirty-year extension will begin—along with that, the permanent low-price edition. Right now, the book's highest price is eight dollars and its lowest is three dollars per copy. So the permanent low price will be thirty cents per copy. This significant reduction has been what Congress has aimed for from the start, but they haven't been able to make it happen because publishers weren't given any incentive to take the risk.

              Respectfully submitted,

                                S. L. CLEMENS.
Respectfully submitted,

                                S. L. CLEMENS.

(A full and interesting elucidation of Mark Twain's views on Copyright may be found in an article entitled “Concerning Copyright,” published in the North American Review for January, 1905.)

(A full and interesting explanation of Mark Twain's views on Copyright can be found in an article titled “Concerning Copyright,” published in the North American Review in January 1905.)





APPENDIX O

(See Chapter cxiv)

    Address of Samuel L. Clemens (Mark Twain) from a report of the
    dinner given by the publishers of the Atlantic Monthly in honor of
    the Seventieth Anniversary of the Birth of John Greenleaf Whittier,
    at the Hotel Brunswick, Boston, December 17, 1877, as published in
    the Boston Evening Transcript, December 18, 1877.
    Address of Samuel L. Clemens (Mark Twain) from a report of the
    dinner hosted by the publishers of the Atlantic Monthly in celebration of the Seventieth Birthday of John Greenleaf Whittier,
    at the Hotel Brunswick, Boston, December 17, 1877, as published in
    the Boston Evening Transcript, December 18, 1877.

MR. CHAIRMAN, This is an occasion peculiarly meet for the digging up of pleasant reminiscences concerning literary folk, therefore I will drop lightly into history myself. Standing here on the shore of the Atlantic, and contemplating certain of its largest literary billows, I am reminded of a thing which happened to me thirteen years ago, when I had just succeeded in stirring up a little Nevadian literary puddle myself, whose spume-flakes were beginning to blow thinly California-ward. I started an inspection tramp through the southern mines of California. I was callow and conceited, and I resolved to try the virtue of my 'nom de guerre'. I very soon had an opportunity. I knocked at a miner's lonely log cabin in the foothills of the Sierras just at nightfall. It was snowing at the time. A jaded, melancholy man of fifty, barefooted, opened the door to me. When he heard my 'nom de guerre' he looked more dejected than before. He let me in-pretty reluctantly, I thought—and after the customary bacon and beans, black coffee and hot whisky, I took a pipe. This sorrowful man had not said three words up to this time. Now he spoke up and said, in the voice of one who is secretly suffering, “You're the fourth—I'm going to move.” “The fourth what?” said I. “The fourth littery man that has been here in twenty-four hours—I'm going to move.” “You don't tell me!” said I; “who were the others?” “Mr. Longfellow. Mr. Emerson, and Mr. Oliver Wendell Holmes—consound the lot!”

MR. CHAIRMAN, This is a perfect time to reminisce about literary figures, so I’ll share a bit of my own history. Standing here on the Atlantic coast and reflecting on some of the biggest literary waves, I remember something that happened thirteen years ago when I had just stirred up a small literary scene in Nevada, and its effects were starting to drift toward California. I decided to go check out the southern mines of California. I was young and full of myself, and I wanted to test the impact of my 'pen name'. I quickly got my chance. I knocked on a miner's lonely log cabin in the foothills of the Sierras just as night was falling. It was snowing. A tired, sad-looking man in his fifties, barefoot, opened the door. When he heard my 'pen name', he looked even more disheartened. He let me in, though I felt he did so reluctantly, and after the usual bacon and beans, black coffee, and hot whiskey, I lit up a pipe. This gloomy man hadn’t spoken more than three words until now. He finally said, in a voice that revealed his hidden pain, “You’re the fourth—I’m going to move.” “The fourth what?” I asked. “The fourth literary man to come by here in twenty-four hours—I’m going to move.” “You’ve got to be kidding!” I exclaimed; “who were the others?” “Mr. Longfellow. Mr. Emerson, and Mr. Oliver Wendell Holmes—damn the lot!”

You can easily believe I was interested. I supplicated—three hot whiskies did the rest—and finally the melancholy miner began. Said he:

You can easily believe I was interested. I begged—three strong whiskies did the trick—and finally the sad miner started. He said:

“They came here just at dark yesterday evening, and I let them in, of course. Said they were going to the Yosemite. They were a rough lot, but that's nothing; everybody looks rough that travels afoot. Mr. Emerson was a seedy little bit of a chap, red-headed. Mr. Holmes was as fat as a balloon; he weighed as much as three hundered, and had double chins all the way down to his stomach. Mr. Longfellow was built like a prize-fighter. His head was cropped and bristly, like as if he had a wig made of hair-brushes. His nose lay straight down in his face, like a finger with the end joint tilted up. They had been drinking, I could see that. And what queer talk they used! Mr. Holmes inspected this cabin, then he took me by the buttonhole and says he:

“They showed up just after dark yesterday evening, and I let them in, of course. They said they were heading to Yosemite. They were a rough group, but that’s nothing; everyone looks rough when they’re traveling on foot. Mr. Emerson was a scrappy little guy with red hair. Mr. Holmes was as big as a balloon; he weighed about three hundred pounds and had double chins all the way down to his stomach. Mr. Longfellow had the build of a prizefighter. His hair was cropped short and bristly, like he had a wig made of hairbrushes. His nose sat straight in his face, like a finger with the tip pointing up. I could tell they had been drinking. And what strange things they talked about! Mr. Holmes inspected this cabin, then he grabbed me by the buttonhole and said:

     “'Through the deep caves of thought
       I hear a voice that sings,

       “Build thee more stately mansions,
       O my soul!”'
     “'Through the deep caves of thought
       I hear a voice that sings,

       “Build yourself more impressive mansions,
       O my soul!”'

“Says I, 'I can't afford it, Mr. Holmes, and moreover I don't want to.' Blamed if I liked it pretty well, either, coming from a stranger that way. However, I started to get out my bacon and beans when Mr. Emerson came and looked on awhile, and then he takes me aside by the buttonhole and says:

“Says I, 'I can't afford it, Mr. Holmes, and besides, I don't want to.' Honestly, I didn't really like it much either, coming from a stranger like that. Anyway, I started to pull out my bacon and beans when Mr. Emerson showed up and watched for a bit, then he pulls me aside by the buttonhole and says:

     “'Give me agates for my meat;
       Give me cantharids to eat;
       From air and ocean bring me foods,
       From all zones and altitudes.'
     “'Give me agates for my meal;  
       Give me cantharids to eat;  
       Bring me food from air and ocean,  
       From all places and heights.'

“Says I, 'Mr. Emerson, if you'll excuse me, this ain't no hotel.' You see, it sort of riled me—I warn't used to the ways of Jittery swells. But I went on a-sweating over my work, and next comes Mr. Longfellow and buttonholes me and interrupts me. Says he:

“Says I, 'Mr. Emerson, if you'll excuse me, this isn't a hotel.' You see, it kind of annoyed me—I wasn't used to the ways of jittery rich people. But I kept sweating over my work, and then Mr. Longfellow came up and interrupted me."

     “'Honor be to Mudjekeewis!
       You shall hear how Pau-Puk-Keewis—'
     “'Respect to Mudjekeewis!
       You'll hear about Pau-Puk-Keewis—''

“But I broke in, and says I, 'Beg your pardon, Mr. Longfellow, if you'll be so kind as to hold your yawp for about five minutes and let me get this grub ready, you'll do me proud.' Well, sir, after they'd filled up I set out the jug. Mr. Holmes looks at it and then he fires up all of a sudden and yells:

“But I interrupted and said, 'Excuse me, Mr. Longfellow, if you could please keep it down for about five minutes while I get this food ready, I'd really appreciate it.' Well, sir, after they had their fill, I brought out the jug. Mr. Holmes looked at it, and then he suddenly got riled up and shouted:

     “'Flash out a stream of blood-red wine!
       For I would drink to other days.'
     “'Pour me a glass of blood-red wine!
       I want to toast to the past.'

“By George, I was getting kind of worked up. I don't deny it, I was getting kind of worked up. I turns to Mr. Holmes and says I, 'Looky here, my fat friend, I'm a-running this shanty, and if the court knows herself you'll take whisky straight or you'll go dry.' Them's the very words I said to him. Now I don't want to sass such famous Littery people, but you see they kind of forced me. There ain't nothing onreasonable 'bout me. I don't mind a passel of guests a-treadin' on my tail three or four times, but when it comes to standing on it it's different, 'and if the court knows herself,' I says, 'you'll take whisky straight or you'll go dry.' Well, between drinks they'd swell around the cabin and strike attitudes and spout; and pretty soon they got out a greasy old deck and went to playing euchre at ten cents a corner—on trust. I began to notice some pretty suspicious things. Mr. Emerson dealt, looked at his hand, shook his head, says:

“Honestly, I was getting pretty worked up. I won't deny it, I was getting really agitated. I turned to Mr. Holmes and said, 'Listen here, my hefty friend, I'm running this place, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll drink whisky straight or you’ll go without.' Those were the exact words I said to him. Now, I don’t want to disrespect such famous literary people, but they kind of pushed me into it. There’s nothing unreasonable about me. I don’t mind a bunch of guests stepping on my toes a few times, but when it comes to standing on them, that’s a different story, and if you know what’s good for you, I said, 'you’ll take whisky straight or you’ll go dry.' Well, between drinks, they would swan around the cabin, strike poses, and spout nonsense; and pretty soon they pulled out a greasy old deck and started playing euchre for ten cents a hand—on credit. I began to notice some pretty shady things. Mr. Emerson dealt, looked at his hand, shook his head, and said:

     “'I am the doubter and the doubt—'
'I am the doubter and the doubt—'

and calmly bunched the hands and went to shuffling for a new lay-out. Says he:

and calmly gathered his hands and started reshuffling for a new layout. He said:

     “'They reckon ill who leave me out;
       They know not well the subtle ways I keep.
       I pass and deal again!'
     “'They underestimate me when they exclude me;
       They don’t understand the clever methods I use.
       I move on and try again!'

Hang'd if he didn't go ahead and do it, too! Oh, he was a cool one! Well, in about a minute things were running pretty tight, but all of a sudden I see by Mr. Emerson's eye he judged he had 'em. He had already corralled two tricks and each of the others one. So now he kind of lifts a little in his chair and says,

Hang if he didn't go ahead and do it, too! Oh, he was smooth! Well, in about a minute, things were getting pretty intense, but all of a sudden, I could tell by Mr. Emerson's eye that he thought he had them. He had already rounded up two tricks and each of the others one. So now he kind of sits up a bit in his chair and says,

     “'I tire of globes and aces!
       Too long the game is played!'
     “'I'm tired of globes and aces!
       This game has gone on too long!'

and down he fetched a right bower. Mr. Longfellow smiles as sweet as pie and says,

and down he came with a nice boat. Mr. Longfellow smiles as sweet as pie and says,

     “'Thanks, thanks to thee, my worthy friend,
       For the lesson thou hast taught,'
     “'Thanks, thanks to you, my good friend,
       For the lesson you've taught,'

and blamed if he didn't down with another right bower! Emerson claps his hand on his bowie, Longfellow claps his on his revolver, and I went under a bunk. There was going to be trouble; but that monstrous Holmes rose up, wobbling his double chins, and says he, 'Order, gentlemen; the first man that draws I'll lay down on him and smother him!' All quiet on the Potomac, you bet!

and was blamed if he didn’t go down with another right-hand man! Emerson slaps his hand on his knife, Longfellow slaps his on his gun, and I ducked under a bunk. There was going to be trouble; but that huge Holmes stood up, wobbling his double chins, and said, ‘Order, gentlemen; the first man who draws I’ll take down and smother him!’ All quiet on the Potomac, you can bet!

“They were pretty how-come-you-so by now, and they begun to blow. Emerson says, 'The noblest thing I ever wrote was “Barbara Frietchie.”' Says Longfellow, 'It don't begin with my “Bigelow Papers.”' Says Holmes, 'My “Thanatopsis” lays over 'em both.' They mighty near ended in a fight. Then they wished they had some more company, and Mr. Emerson pointed to me and says:

“They were feeling pretty competitive by now, and they started to argue. Emerson says, 'The best thing I ever wrote was “Barbara Frietchie.”' Longfellow replies, 'It doesn’t compare to my “Bigelow Papers.”' Holmes chimes in, 'My “Thanatopsis” is better than both of them.' They almost ended up in a fight. Then they wished they had some more company, and Mr. Emerson pointed to me and said:

     “'Is yonder squalid peasant all
       That this proud nursery could breed?'
“'Is that filthy peasant all that this proud upbringing could produce?”

He was a-whetting his bowie on his boot—so I let it pass. Well, sir, next they took it into their heads that they would like some music; so they made me stand up and sing, 'When Johnny Comes Marching Home' till I dropped—at thirteen minutes past four this morning. That's what I've been through, my friend. When I woke at seven they were leaving, thank goodness, and Mr. Longfellow had my only boots on and his'n under his arm. Says I, 'Hold on there, Evangeline, what are you going to do with them?' He says, 'Going to make tracks with 'em, because—

He was sharpening his bowie knife on his boot—so I let it slide. Well, next, they decided they wanted some music, so they made me stand up and sing, 'When Johnny Comes Marching Home' until I was exhausted—at thirteen minutes past four this morning. That's what I've been through, my friend. When I woke up at seven, they were finally leaving, thank goodness, and Mr. Longfellow was wearing my only boots and had his under his arm. I said, 'Hold on there, Evangeline, what are you doing with those?' He replied, 'I'm going to make tracks with them, because—

     “'Lives of great men all remind us
       We can make our lives sublime;
       And, departing, leave behind us
       Footprints on the sands of time.'
     “'The lives of great people remind us
       We can make our lives extraordinary;
       And when we leave, we can leave behind
       Imprints on the sands of time.'

“As I said, Mr. Twain, you are the fourth in twenty-four hours and I'm going to move; I ain't suited to a Littery atmosphere.”

“As I said, Mr. Twain, you’re the fourth one in the last twenty-four hours, and I’m going to leave; I’m not cut out for a literary vibe.”

I said to the miner, “Why, my dear sir, these were not the gracious singers to whom we and the world pay loving reverence and homage; these were impostors.”

I said to the miner, “Why, my dear sir, these were not the kind singers we and the world honor and admire; these were impostors.”

The miner investigated me with a calm eye for a while; then said he, “Ah! impostors, were they? Are you?”

The miner looked at me calmly for a moment, then said, “Oh! So they were impostors, huh? Are you?”

I did not pursue the subject, and since then I have not traveled on my 'nom de guerre' enough to hurt. Such was the reminiscence I was moved to contribute, Mr. Chairman. In my enthusiasm I may have exaggerated the details a little, but you will easily forgive me that fault, since I believe it is the first time I have ever deflected from perpendicular fact on an occasion like this.

I didn't follow up on the topic, and since then I haven't used my 'alias' enough to cause any trouble. That’s the memory I felt compelled to share, Mr. Chairman. I might have gotten a bit carried away with the details, but I hope you can overlook that mistake since I think this is the first time I've strayed from the straight facts in a situation like this.





APPENDIX P

THE ADAM MONUMENT PETITION

(See Chapter cxxxiv)

(See Chapter 134)

TO THE HONORABLE SENATE AND HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES OF THE UNITED STATES IN CONGRESS ASSEMBLED.

TO THE HONORABLE SENATE AND HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES OF THE UNITED STATES IN CONGRESS ASSEMBLED.

WHEREAS, A number of citizens of the city of Elmira in the State of New York having covenanted among themselves to erect in that city a monument in memory of Adam, the father of mankind, being moved thereto by a sentiment of love and duty, and these having appointed the undersigned to communicate with your honorable body, we beg leave to lay before you the following facts and append to the same our humble petition.

WHEREAS, Several citizens of Elmira in New York have agreed to come together to build a monument in honor of Adam, the father of humanity, driven by a sense of love and duty. These individuals have chosen the undersigned to reach out to your esteemed body, and we respectfully present the following facts along with our humble petition.

1. As far as is known no monument has ever been raised in any part of the world to commemorate the services rendered to our race by this great man, whilst many men of far less note and worship have been rendered immortal by means of stately and indestructible memorials.

1. As far as we know, no monument has ever been built anywhere in the world to honor the contributions made to our society by this great man, while many people of far lesser significance and fame have been celebrated through grand and lasting memorials.

2. The common father of mankind has been suffered to lie in entire neglect, although even the Father of our Country has now, and has had for many years, a monument in course of construction.

2. The common father of humanity has been allowed to remain completely overlooked, even though the Father of our Country has now, and has had for many years, a monument being built.

3. No right-feeling human being can desire to see this neglect continued, but all just men, even to the farthest regions of the globe, should and will rejoice to know that he to whom we owe existence is about to have reverent and fitting recognition of his works at the hands of the people of Elmira. His labors were not in behalf of one locality, but for the extension of humanity at large and the blessings which go therewith; hence all races and all colors and all religions are interested in seeing that his name and fame shall be placed beyond the reach of the blight of oblivion by a permanent and suitable monument.

3. No kind-hearted person wants to see this neglect continue, but all fair-minded individuals, even those in the most distant parts of the world, should and will be glad to know that the person to whom we owe our existence is about to receive the respectful recognition of his work from the people of Elmira. His efforts weren't just for one area, but for the betterment of humanity as a whole and the blessings that come with it; therefore, people of all races, colors, and religions are invested in ensuring that his name and legacy are protected from being forgotten with a lasting and appropriate monument.

4. It will be to the imperishable credit of the United States if this monument shall be set up within her borders; moreover, it will be a peculiar grace to the beneficiary if this testimonial of affection and gratitude shall be the gift of the youngest of the nations that have sprung from his loins after 6,000 years of unappreciation on the part of its elders.

4. It will be a lasting honor for the United States if this monument is established within its borders; furthermore, it will be particularly meaningful for the beneficiary if this expression of affection and gratitude comes as a gift from the youngest of the nations that have emerged from his lineage after 6,000 years of being overlooked by its elders.

5. The idea of this sacred enterprise having originated in the city of Elmira, she will be always grateful if the general government shall encourage her in the good work by securing to her a certain advantage through the exercise of its great authority.

5. Since this important mission started in the city of Elmira, she will always be thankful if the federal government supports her good efforts by granting her a specific advantage through its considerable power.

Therefore, Your petitioners beg that your honorable body will be pleased to issue a decree restricting to Elmira the right to build a monument to Adam and inflicting a heavy penalty upon any other community within the United States that shall propose or attempt to erect a monument or other memorial to the said Adam, and to this end we will ever pray.

Therefore, we respectfully ask that your esteemed body will issue a decree limiting the right to build a monument to Adam to Elmira only, and imposing a heavy penalty on any other community in the United States that proposes or attempts to erect a monument or any other memorial to Adam. We sincerely pray for this outcome.

NAMES: (100 signatures)

NAMES: (100 signatures needed)





APPENDIX Q

GENERAL GRANT'S GRAMMAR

(Written in 1886. Delivered at an Army and Navy Club dinner in New York City)

(Written in 1886. Delivered at an Army and Navy Club dinner in New York City)

Lately a great and honored author, Matthew Arnold, has been finding fault with General Grant's English. That would be fair enough, maybe, if the examples of imperfect English averaged more instances to the page in General Grant's book than they do in Arnold's criticism on the book—but they do not. It would be fair enough, maybe, if such instances were commoner in General Grant's book than they are in the works of the average standard author—but they are not. In fact, General Grant's derelictions in the matter of grammar and construction are not more frequent than such derelictions in the works of a majority of the professional authors of our time, and of all previous times—authors as exclusively and painstakingly trained to the literary trade as was General Grant to the trade of war. This is not a random statement: it is a fact, and easily demonstrable. I have a book at home called Modern English Literature: Its Blemishes and Defects, by Henry H. Breen, a countryman of Mr. Arnold. In it I find examples of bad grammar and slovenly English from the pens of Sydney Smith, Sheridan, Hallam, Whately, Carlyle, Disraeli, Allison, Junius, Blair, Macaulay, Shakespeare, Milton, Gibbon, Southey, Lamb, Landor, Smollett, Walpole, Walker (of the dictionary), Christopher North, Kirk White, Benjamin Franklin, Sir Walter Scott, and Mr. Lindley Murray (who made the grammar).

Recently, a well-respected author, Matthew Arnold, has criticized General Grant's English. That might be reasonable if the instances of poor English were more frequent in General Grant's book than in Arnold's critique of it—but they aren’t. It would be fair enough if such mistakes were more common in General Grant's writing than in the works of an average quality author—but they are not. In fact, General Grant's grammatical and structural errors are no more frequent than those found in the works of most professional authors, both now and in the past—authors who were as thoroughly and carefully trained in writing as General Grant was in warfare. This isn’t just a random claim: it’s a fact, and easy to prove. I have a book at home titled Modern English Literature: Its Blemishes and Defects, by Henry H. Breen, who is a fellow countryman of Mr. Arnold. In it, I find examples of bad grammar and sloppy English from notable writers like Sydney Smith, Sheridan, Hallam, Whately, Carlyle, Disraeli, Allison, Junius, Blair, Macaulay, Shakespeare, Milton, Gibbon, Southey, Lamb, Landor, Smollett, Walpole, Walker (the dictionary guy), Christopher North, Kirk White, Benjamin Franklin, Sir Walter Scott, and Mr. Lindley Murray (who created the grammar).

In Mr. Arnold's criticism on General Grant's book we find two grammatical crimes and more than several examples of very crude and slovenly English, enough of them to entitle him to a lofty place in the illustrious list of delinquents just named.

In Mr. Arnold's review of General Grant's book, we see two grammatical errors and several instances of very poor and careless English, enough to earn him a high spot on the notable list of offenders just mentioned.

The following passage all by itself ought to elect him:

The following passage alone should be enough to get him elected:

    “Meade suggested to Grant that he might wish to have immediately
    under him Sherman, who had been serving with Grant in the West. He
    begged him not to hesitate if he thought it for the good of the
    service. Grant assured him that he had not thought of moving him,
    and in his memoirs, after relating what had passed, he adds, etc.”
 
“Meade suggested to Grant that he might want to have Sherman, who had been working with Grant in the West, directly under him. He urged Grant not to hesitate if he believed it would benefit the service. Grant assured him that he hadn’t considered moving him, and in his memoirs, after recounting what had happened, he adds, etc.”

To read that passage a couple of times would make a man dizzy; to read it four times would make him drunk.

Reading that passage a couple of times would make someone dizzy; reading it four times would make them feel tipsy.

Mr. Breen makes this discriminating remark: “To suppose that because a man is a poet or a historian he must be correct in his grammar is to suppose that an architect must be a joiner, or a physician a compounder of medicine.”

Mr. Breen makes this insightful comment: “To believe that just because someone is a poet or a historian, they must have perfect grammar is like thinking that an architect has to be a carpenter, or that a doctor must be a pharmacist.”

People may hunt out what microscopic motes they please, but, after all, the fact remains, and cannot be dislodged, that General Grant's book is a great and, in its peculiar department, a unique and unapproachable literary masterpiece. In their line there is no higher literature than those modest, simple memoirs. Their style is at least flawless and no man could improve upon it, and great books are weighed and measured by their style and matter, and not by the trimmings and shadings of their grammar.

People can pick apart whatever tiny details they want, but the truth is, General Grant's book is a great literary masterpiece that stands out in its own category. In its field, there’s no better literature than those straightforward, simple memoirs. Their style is flawless, and no one could make it better. Great books are judged by their content and style, not by the fancy grammar or embellishments.

There is that about the sun which makes us forget his spots, and when we think of General Grant our pulses quicken and his grammar vanishes; we only remember that this is the simple soldier who, all untaught of the silken phrase-makers, linked words together with an art surpassing the art of the schools and put into them a something which will still bring to American ears, as long as America shall last, the roll of his vanished drums and the tread of his marching hosts. What do we care for grammar when we think of those thunderous phrases, “Unconditional and immediate surrender,” “I propose to move immediately upon your works,” “I propose to fight it out on this line if it takes all summer.” Mr. Arnold would doubtless claim that that last phrase is not strictly grammatical, and yet it did certainly wake up this nation as a hundred million tons of A-number-one fourth-proof, hard-boiled, hide-bound grammar from another mouth could not have done. And finally we have that gentler phrase, that one which shows you another true side of the man, shows you that in his soldier heart there was room for other than gory war mottoes and in his tongue the gift to fitly phrase them: “Let us have peace.”

There’s something about the sun that makes us forget its spots, and when we think of General Grant, our hearts race and his grammar slips our minds; we only remember him as the straightforward soldier who, without any influence from fancy wordsmiths, connected words in a way that surpassed anything taught in schools. He infused them with a quality that will resonate in American ears for as long as America exists, echoing the sounds of his distant drums and the march of his troops. Who cares about grammar when we think of those powerful phrases, “Unconditional and immediate surrender,” “I propose to move immediately upon your works,” “I propose to fight it out on this line if it takes all summer”? Mr. Arnold would probably argue that the last phrase isn’t strictly grammatical, but it certainly roused this nation more than any amount of rigid grammar from anyone else ever could. And finally, we have that softer phrase, which reveals another true side of the man, showing that in his soldier's heart there was space for more than just grim war slogans, with a talent to express them meaningfully: “Let us have peace.”





APPENDIX R

PARTY ALLEGIANCE.

BEING A PORTION OF A PAPER ON “CONSISTENCY,” READ BEFORE THE MONDAY EVENING CLUB IN 1887.

BEING A PART OF A PAPER ON “CONSISTENCY,” PRESENTED TO THE MONDAY EVENING CLUB IN 1887.

(See Chapter clxiii)

(See Chapter 163)

... I have referred to the fact that when a man retires from his political party he is a traitor—that he is so pronounced in plain language. That is bold; so bold as to deceive many into the fancy that it is true. Desertion, treason—these are the terms applied. Their military form reveals the thought in the man's mind who uses them: to him a political party is an army. Well, is it? Are the two things identical? Do they even resemble each other? Necessarily a political party is not an army of conscripts, for they are in the ranks by compulsion. Then it must be a regular army or an army of volunteers. Is it a regular army? No, for these enlist for a specified and well-understood term, and can retire without reproach when the term is up. Is it an army of volunteers who have enlisted for the war, and may righteously be shot if they leave before the war is finished? No, it is not even an army in that sense. Those fine military terms are high-sounding, empty lies, and are no more rationally applicable to a political party than they would be to an oyster-bed. The volunteer soldier comes to the recruiting office and strips himself and proves that he is so many feet high, and has sufficiently good teeth, and no fingers gone, and is sufficiently sound in body generally; he is accepted; but not until he has sworn a deep oath or made other solemn form of promise to march under, that flag until that war is done or his term of enlistment completed. What is the process when a voter joins a party? Must he prove that he is sound in any way, mind or body? Must he prove that he knows anything—is capable of anything—whatever? Does he take an oath or make a promise of any sort?—or doesn't he leave himself entirely free? If he were informed by the political boss that if he join, it must be forever; that he must be that party's chattel and wear its brass collar the rest of his days—would not that insult him? It goes without saying. He would say some rude, unprintable thing, and turn his back on that preposterous organization. But the political boss puts no conditions upon him at all; and this volunteer makes no promises, enlists for no stated term. He has in no sense become a part of an army; he is in no way restrained of his freedom. Yet he will presently find that his bosses and his newspapers have assumed just the reverse of that: that they have blandly arrogated to themselves an ironclad military authority over him; and within twelve months, if he is an average man, he will have surrendered his liberty, and will actually be silly enough to believe that he cannot leave that party, for any cause whatever, without being a shameful traitor, a deserter, a legitimately dishonored man.

... I've mentioned that when a man leaves his political party, he’s considered a traitor—that’s the blunt truth. It's a bold statement that leads many to believe it. We hear terms like desertion and treason thrown around. The military language shows the mindset of those who use it: to them, a political party is like an army. But is that true? Are they the same? A political party isn't a conscript army, as those individuals are forced to serve. So, it must be a regular army or a volunteer army. But is it a regular army? No, because they enlist for a specific time and can leave without backlash when their time is up. Is it a volunteer army that’s signed on for the war, and can be shot if they leave early? No, it’s not even an army in that sense. Those grand military terms are empty and have no more relevance to a political party than they would to an oyster bed. A volunteer soldier goes to the recruitment office, proves he’s tall enough, has decent teeth, no missing fingers, and is generally fit; he gets accepted, but only after swearing a strong oath or making some serious promise to serve under that flag until the war is over or his term is complete. What happens when a voter joins a party? Does he have to prove he’s mentally or physically fit? Does he need to demonstrate he knows anything or can do anything? Does he take an oath or make any promise? Or does he leave himself totally free? If a political boss told him that joining meant he must stay forever, that he’d be a possession of that party, wearing its collar for the rest of his life—wouldn’t that offend him? Of course it would. He would likely say something rude and walk away from such a ridiculous organization. But the political boss doesn’t impose any conditions at all; this volunteer makes no promises and doesn’t enlist for a set time. He hasn’t become part of an army at all; he isn’t restricted in any way. Yet he will soon realize that his bosses and the media have claimed the exact opposite: that they have taken on an unbreakable military authority over him. And within a year, if he’s an average person, he’ll have given up his freedom and might foolishly believe he can’t leave that party for any reason without being a shameful traitor, a deserter, and a dishonored man.

There you have the just measure of that freedom of conscience, freedom of opinion, freedom of speech and action which we hear so much inflated foolishness about as being the precious possession of the republic. Whereas, in truth, the surest way for a man to make of himself a target for almost universal scorn, obloquy, slander, and insult is to stop twaddling about these priceless independencies and attempt to exercise one of them. If he is a preacher half his congregation will clamor for his expulsion—and will expel him, except they find it will injure real estate in the neighborhood; if he is a doctor his own dead will turn against him.

There you see the real measure of the freedom of conscience, freedom of opinion, freedom of speech, and action that we hear so much inflated nonsense about as being the treasured asset of the republic. In reality, the quickest way for someone to make themselves a target for almost universal disdain, criticism, slander, and insult is to stop talking about these valuable freedoms and actually try to use one of them. If he’s a preacher, half of his congregation will demand he be kicked out—and they will get rid of him, unless they think it will hurt property values in the area; if he’s a doctor, even his own patients will turn against him.

I repeat that the new party-member who supposed himself independent will presently find that the party have somehow got a mortgage on his soul, and that within a year he will recognize the mortgage, deliver up his liberty, and actually believe he cannot retire from that party from any motive howsoever high and right in his own eyes without shame and dishonor.

I want to emphasize that the new party member who thinks they’re independent will soon realize that the party has somehow taken control of their spirit. Within a year, they'll see this control, give up their freedom, and genuinely believe that they can’t leave the party for any reason, no matter how noble and just it seems to them, without feeling ashamed and dishonored.

Is it possible for human wickedness to invent a doctrine more infernal and poisonous than this? Is there imaginable a baser servitude than it imposes? What slave is so degraded as the slave that is proud that he is a slave? What is the essential difference between a lifelong democrat and any other kind of lifelong slave? Is it less humiliating to dance to the lash of one master than another?

Is it possible for human evil to create a belief more destructive and toxic than this? Is there a more contemptible form of servitude than what it imposes? What slave is more degraded than the one who takes pride in being a slave? What’s the fundamental difference between a lifelong democrat and any other kind of lifelong slave? Is it less humiliating to obey the whip of one master than another?

This infamous doctrine of allegiance to party plays directly into the hands of politicians of the baser sort—and doubtless for that it was borrowed—or stolen—from the monarchial system. It enables them to foist upon the country officials whom no self-respecting man would vote for if he could but come to understand that loyalty to himself is his first and highest duty, not loyalty to any party name.

This notorious idea of loyalty to a political party benefits shady politicians—and it was probably taken from the monarchy for that reason. It allows them to impose officials on the country that no self-respecting person would vote for, if only they understood that their primary duty is to be loyal to themselves, not to any party label.

Shall you say the best good of the country demands allegiance to party? Shall you also say that it demands that a man kick his truth and his conscience into the gutter and become a mouthing lunatic besides? Oh no, you say; it does not demand that. But what if it produce that in spite of you? There is no obligation upon a man to do things which he ought not to do when drunk, but most men will do them just the same; and so we hear no arguments about obligations in the matter—we only hear men warned to avoid the habit of drinking; get rid of the thing that can betray men into such things.

Should you say that the best interest of the country requires loyalty to a party? Should you also claim that it forces a person to discard their truth and conscience and become a mindless follower? Oh no, you say; it doesn’t require that. But what if it ends up doing just that against your will? There’s no obligation for a person to do things they shouldn’t do when they’re drunk, yet most will anyway; and so we don’t hear discussions about obligations here—we just hear people being warned to avoid drinking; get rid of the thing that can lead people into such actions.

This is a funny business all around. The same men who enthusiastically preach loyal consistency to church and party are always ready and willing and anxious to persuade a Chinaman or an Indian or a Kanaka to desert his church or a fellow-American to desert his party. The man who deserts to them is all that is high and pure and beautiful—apparently; the man who deserts from them is all that is foul and despicable. This is Consistency—with a capital C.

This is a funny situation all around. The same people who passionately preach loyalty to their church and party are always eager and willing to convince a Chinese person or an Indian or a Hawaiian to leave their church or for a fellow American to abandon their party. The person who leaves to join them is seen as noble and virtuous—apparently; the person who leaves them is viewed as disgusting and contemptible. This is Consistency—with a capital C.

With the daintiest and self-complacentest sarcasm the lifelong loyalist scoffs at the Independent—or as he calls him, with cutting irony, the Mugwump; makes himself too killingly funny for anything in this world about him. But—the Mugwump can stand it, for there is a great history at his back; stretching down the centuries, and he comes of a mighty ancestry. He knows that in the whole history of the race of men no single great and high and beneficent thing was ever done for the souls and bodies, the hearts and the brains of the children of this world, but a Mugwump started it and Mugwumps carried it to victory: And their names are the stateliest in history: Washington, Garrison, Galileo, Luther, Christ. Loyalty to petrified opinions never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul in this world-end never will.

With the most delicate and self-satisfied sarcasm, the lifelong loyalist mocks the Independent—or as he derisively calls him, the Mugwump; he makes himself absurdly funny about everything around him. But—the Mugwump can take it, because he has a rich history behind him, stretching back through the centuries, and he comes from a powerful lineage. He knows that in all of human history, no significant noble and positive achievement for the souls and bodies, the hearts and minds of the children of this world was ever initiated without a Mugwump, and Mugwumps carried it to victory: Their names are among the greatest in history: Washington, Garrison, Galileo, Luther, Christ. Loyalty to outdated opinions has never broken a chain or freed a human soul in this world—and it never will.





APPENDIX S

ORIGINAL PREFACE FOR “A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT”

(See Chapter clxxii)

(See Chapter 172)

My object has been to group together some of the most odious laws which have had vogue in the Christian countries within the past eight or ten centuries, and illustrate them by the incidents of a story.

My goal has been to bring together some of the most hateful laws that have been popular in Christian countries over the past eight or ten centuries and illustrate them through the events of a story.

There was never a time when America applied the death-penalty to more than fourteen crimes. But England, within the memory of men still living, had in her list of crimes 223 which were punishable by death! And yet from the beginning of our existence down to a time within the memory of babes England has distressed herself piteously over the ungentleness of our Connecticut Blue Laws. Those Blue Laws should have been spared English criticism for two reasons:

There was never a time when America had the death penalty for more than fourteen crimes. But England, within the memory of people still alive, had a list of 223 crimes that were punishable by death! And yet, from the start of our existence until a time within the memory of babies, England has lamented over the harshness of our Connecticut Blue Laws. Those Blue Laws should have avoided English criticism for two reasons:

1. They were so insipidly mild, by contrast with the bloody and atrocious laws of England of the same period, as to seem characterless and colorless when one brings them into that awful presence.

1. They were so bland and weak compared to the brutal and horrifying laws of England at the same time that they appeared lifeless and dull when contrasted with that terrible reality.

2. The Blue Laws never had any existence. They were the fancy-work of an English clergyman; they were never a part of any statute-book. And yet they could have been made to serve a useful and merciful purpose; if they had been injected into the English law the dilution would have given to the whole a less lurid aspect; or, to figure the effect in another way, they would have been coca mixed into vitriol.

2. The Blue Laws never actually existed. They were just a creation of an English clergyman; they were never included in any legal code. And yet, they could have served a beneficial and compassionate purpose; if they had been incorporated into English law, they would have softened its harshness; or, to put it another way, they would have been like mixing something mild into something toxic.

I have drawn no laws and no illustrations from the twin civilizations of hell and Russia. To have entered into that atmosphere would have defeated my purpose, which was to show a great and genuine progress in Christendom in these few later generations toward mercifulness—a wide and general relaxing of the grip of the law. Russia had to be left out because exile to Siberia remains, and in that single punishment is gathered together and concentrated all the bitter inventions of all the black ages for the infliction of suffering upon human beings. Exile for life from one's hearthstone and one's idols—this is rack, thumb-screw, the water-drop, fagot and stake, tearing asunder by horses, flaying alive—all these in one; and not compact into hours, but drawn out into years, each year a century, and the whole a mortal immortality of torture and despair. While exile to Siberia remains one will be obliged to admit that there is one country in Christendom where the punishments of all the ages are still preserved and still inflicted, that there is one country in Christendom where no advance has been made toward modifying the medieval penalties for offenses against society and the State.

I haven’t referenced the twin horrors of hell and Russia. Engaging with that environment would have undermined my aim, which is to demonstrate a significant and real progress in Christianity over the past few generations towards mercy—a broad and general loosening of legal retribution. I had to exclude Russia because the exile to Siberia still exists, and in that one punishment are combined all the harsh methods of suffering from the dark ages inflicted on humanity. Being exiled for life from one's home and cherished beliefs is equivalent to torture devices, the water torture, the pyre, being torn apart by horses, being skinned alive—all of these rolled into one; and it’s not condensed into mere hours, but stretched into years, each year feeling like a century, creating a never-ending cycle of pain and hopelessness. As long as exile to Siberia continues, one must concede that there exists a single country in Christianity where punishments from all ages are still upheld and enforced, where no progress has been made toward reforming the medieval punishments for crimes against society and the State.





APPENDIX T

A TRIBUTE TO HENRY H. ROGERS

(See Chapter cc and earlier)

(See Chapter cc and earlier)

April 25, 1902. I owe more to Henry Rogers than to any other man whom I have known. He was born in Fairhaven, Connecticut, in 1839, and is my junior by four years. He was graduated from the high school there in 1853, when he was fourteen years old, and from that time forward he earned his own living, beginning at first as the bottom subordinate in the village store with hard-work privileges and a low salary. When he was twenty-four he went out to the newly discovered petroleum fields in Pennsylvania and got work; then returned home, with enough money to pay passage, married a schoolmate, and took her to the oil regions. He prospered, and by and by established the Standard Oil Trust with Mr. Rockefeller and others, and is still one of its managers and directors.

April 25, 1902. I owe more to Henry Rogers than to anyone else I've known. He was born in Fairhaven, Connecticut, in 1839, and he's four years younger than I am. He graduated from high school there in 1853, at just fourteen years old, and from then on, he provided for himself, starting as the lowest employee in the village store with tough working conditions and a low wage. At twenty-four, he went to the newly discovered oil fields in Pennsylvania and found work; then he returned home with enough money for a ticket, married a classmate, and took her to the oil regions. He thrived, and eventually helped establish the Standard Oil Trust with Mr. Rockefeller and others, and he continues to be one of its managers and directors.

In 1893 we fell together by accident one evening in the Murray Hill Hotel, and our friendship began on the spot and at once. Ever since then he has added my business affairs to his own and carried them through, and I have had no further trouble with them. Obstructions and perplexities which would have driven me mad were simplicities to his master mind and furnished him no difficulties. He released me from my entanglements with Paige and stopped that expensive outgo; when Charles L. Webster & Company failed he saved my copyrights for Mrs. Clemens when she would have sacrificed them to the creditors although they were in no way entitled to them; he offered to lend me money wherewith to save the life of that worthless firm; when I started lecturing around the world to make the money to pay off the Webster debts he spent more than a year trying to reconcile the differences between Harper & Brothers and the American Publishing Company and patch up a working-contract between them and succeeded where any other man would have failed; as fast as I earned money and sent it to him he banked it at interest and held onto it, refusing to pay any creditor until he could pay all of the 96 alike; when I had earned enough to pay dollar for dollar he swept off the indebtedness and sent me the whole batch of complimentary letters which the creditors wrote in return; when I had earned $28,500 more, $18,500 of which was in his hands, I wrote him from Vienna to put the latter into Federal Steel and leave it there; he obeyed to the extent of $17,500, but sold it in two months at $25,000 profit, and said it would go ten points higher, but that it was his custom to “give the other man a chance” (and that was a true word—there was never a truer one spoken). That was at the end of '99 and beginning of 1900; and from that day to this he has continued to break up my bad schemes and put better ones in their place, to my great advantage. I do things which ought to try man's patience, but they never seem to try his; he always finds a colorable excuse for what I have done. His soul was born superhumanly sweet, and I do not think anything can sour it. I have not known his equal among men for lovable qualities. But for his cool head and wise guidance I should never have come out of the Webster difficulties on top; it was his good steering that enabled me to work out my salvation and pay a hundred cents on the dollar—the most valuable service any man ever did me.

In 1893, we accidentally bumped into each other one evening at the Murray Hill Hotel, and that’s how our friendship started right then and there. Ever since, he has taken on my business matters along with his own and handled them perfectly, relieving me of all stress. Problems and challenges that would have driven me crazy were simple for his brilliant mind and didn’t pose any issue for him. He got me out of my mess with Paige, stopping that costly drain; when Charles L. Webster & Company went under, he rescued my copyrights for Mrs. Clemens, who would have given them up to creditors who had no right to them; he even offered to lend me money to save that useless company. When I started touring the world to earn money to pay off the Webster debts, he spent over a year trying to sort out the disagreements between Harper & Brothers and the American Publishing Company to create a working contract between them, succeeding where anyone else would have failed. As soon as I made money and sent it to him, he deposited it with interest and held onto it, refusing to pay any creditor until he could pay all 96 at once; when I had enough to settle every debt, he wiped the slate clean and sent me all the thank-you letters the creditors wrote in return. After I earned another $28,500, of which $18,500 was with him, I wrote him from Vienna to invest that into Federal Steel and leave it there; he followed through with $17,500 but sold it two months later for a $25,000 profit, claiming it would go up another ten points, but that he liked to “give the other guy a chance” (and that was true—no truer words have been spoken). This happened at the end of '99 and the start of 1900; and from that day on, he has consistently broken up my bad plans and replaced them with better ones, which has greatly benefited me. I do things that should test anyone’s patience, but they never seem to challenge his; he always finds a plausible excuse for my actions. His nature is incredibly sweet, and I don’t think anything could ever sour it. I haven’t met anyone with his lovable qualities. Without his calm head and wise advice, I would have never managed to come out of the Webster mess in a good position; it was his excellent guidance that helped me achieve my goals and pay back every cent—I can’t think of a more valuable service any man has ever done for me.

His character is full of fine graces, but the finest is this: that he can load you down with crushing obligations and then so conduct himself that you never feel their weight. If he would only require something in return—but that is not in his nature; it would not occur to him. With the Harpers and the American Company at war those copyrights were worth but little; he engineered a peace and made them valuable. He invests $100,000 for me here, and in a few months returns a profit of $31,000. I invest (in London and here) $66,000 and must wait considerably for results (in case there shall be any). I tell him about it and he finds no fault, utters not a sarcasm. He was born serene, patient, all-enduring, where a friend is concerned, and nothing can extinguish that great quality in him. Such a man is entitled to the high gift of humor: he has it at its very best. He is not only the best friend I have ever had, but is the best man I have known.

His character is full of wonderful traits, but the best one is this: he can pile you with heavy responsibilities and still act in a way that makes you not feel their burden. If he would just ask for something in return—but that’s not who he is; it wouldn’t even cross his mind. With the Harpers and the American Company in conflict, those copyrights weren’t worth much; he negotiated a peace and made them valuable. He invests $100,000 for me here, and in a few months brings back a profit of $31,000. I invest $66,000 (in London and here) and have to wait quite a while for results (if there are any). I tell him about it, and he doesn’t criticize or make any sarcastic comments. He was born calm, patient, and incredibly supportive when it comes to friends, and nothing can take away that amazing quality in him. Such a man deserves the great gift of humor: he has it at its best. He’s not just the best friend I’ve ever had, but he’s also the best man I’ve ever known.

                     S. L. CLEMENS.
Mark Twain.




APPENDIX U

FROM MARK TWAIN'S LAST POEM

BEGUN AT RIVERDALE, NEW YORK. FINISHED AT YORK HARBOR, MAINE, AUGUST 18, 1902

BEGUN AT RIVERDALE, NEW YORK. FINISHED AT YORK HARBOR, MAINE, AUGUST 18, 1902

(See Chapter ccxxiii)

(See Chapter 223)

(A bereft and demented mother speaks)

(A lost and distraught mother speaks)

... O, I can see my darling yet: the little form In slip of flimsy stuff all creamy white, Pink-belted waist with ample bows, Blue shoes scarce bigger than the house-cat's ears—Capering in delight and choked with glee.

... O, I can still see my darling: the small figure in a sheer, creamy white outfit, pink-belted waist with large bows, blue shoes barely bigger than a house cat's ears—leaping with joy and filled with laughter.

It was a summer afternoon; the hill Rose green above me and about, and in the vale below The distant village slept, and all the world Was steeped in dreams. Upon me lay this peace, And I forgot my sorrow in its spell. And now My little maid passed by, and she Was deep in thought upon a solemn thing: A disobedience, and my reproof. Upon my face She must not look until the day was done; For she was doing penance... She? O, it was I! What mother knows not that? And so she passed, I worshiping and longing... It was not wrong? You do not think me wrong? I did it for the best. Indeed I meant it so.

It was a summer afternoon; the hill rose green around me, and in the valley below the distant village was asleep, and the whole world was wrapped in dreams. This peace settled over me, and I forgot my sadness in its embrace. Just then, my little girl walked by, lost in thought about something serious: her disobedience and my reprimand. She couldn’t look at me until the day was over because she was serving her punishment... Was it her? Oh, it was me! What mother doesn’t understand that? And so she walked past, while I admired her and felt a longing... It wasn’t wrong, was it? You don’t think I’m wrong? I did it for the best. I truly meant it that way.

She flits before me now: The peach-bloom of her gauzy crepe, The plaited tails of hair, The ribbons floating from the summer hat, The grieving face, dropp'd head absorbed with care. O, dainty little form! I see it move, receding slow along the path, By hovering butterflies besieged; I see it reach The breezy top clear-cut against the sky,... Then pass beyond and sink from sight-forever!

She flits in front of me now: the soft pink of her light crepe, the braided hair, the ribbons drifting from her summer hat, the sad expression, head lowered, lost in thought. Oh, delicate little figure! I see it moving, slowly fading along the path, surrounded by hovering butterflies; I see it reach the breezy peak outlined against the sky... Then it disappears and is gone from sight—forever!

Within, was light and cheer; without, A blustering winter's right. There was a play; It was her own; for she had wrought it out Unhelped, from her own head-and she But turned sixteen! A pretty play, All graced with cunning fantasies, And happy songs, and peopled all with fays, And sylvan gods and goddesses, And shepherds, too, that piped and danced, And wore the guileless hours away In care-free romps and games.

Inside, there was light and joy; outside, a harsh winter’s chill. There was a play; it was her creation, made entirely on her own—she had just turned sixteen! A charming play, filled with clever fantasies, happy songs, and populated with fairies, woodland deities, and shepherds who played music and danced, enjoying care-free romps and games that made the hours fly by.

Her girlhood mates played in the piece, And she as well: a goddess, she,—And looked it, as it seemed to me.

Her girlhood friends played in the scene, and so did she: a goddess, she— and looked like one, as it appeared to me.

'Twas fairyland restored-so beautiful it was And innocent. It made us cry, we elder ones, To live our lost youth o'er again With these its happy heirs.

It was like fairyland brought back to life—so beautiful and innocent. It made us cry, the older ones, to relive our lost youth again with these happy heirs.

Slowly, at last, the curtain fell. Before us, there, she stood, all wreathed and draped In roses pearled with dew-so sweet, so glad, So radiant!—and flung us kisses through the storm Of praise that crowned her triumph.... O, Across the mists of time I see her yet, My Goddess of the Flowers!

Slowly, finally, the curtain came down. There she stood before us, all wrapped and adorned in roses glistening with dew—so sweet, so happy, so vibrant!—and blew us kisses through the sea of applause that celebrated her victory... Oh, across the haze of time, I can still see her, my Goddess of the Flowers!

... The curtain hid her.... Do you comprehend? Till time shall end! Out of my life she vanished while I looked!

... The curtain hid her.... Do you understand? Until the end of time! She disappeared from my life while I was watching!

... Ten years are flown. O, I have watched so long, So long. But she will come no more. No, she will come no more.

... Ten years have passed. Oh, I have waited so long, So long. But she will not come again. No, she will not come again.

It seems so strange... so strange... Struck down unwarned! In the unbought grace, of youth laid low—In the glory of her fresh young bloom laid low—In the morning of her life cut down! And I not by! Not by When the shadows fell, the night of death closed down The sun that lit my life went out. Not by to answer When the latest whisper passed the lips That were so dear to me—my name! Far from my post! the world's whole breadth away. O, sinking in the waves of death she cried to me For mother-help, and got for answer Silence!

It feels so strange... so strange... Struck down without warning! In the priceless grace of youth laid low—In the glory of her fresh bloom laid low—In the morning of her life cut short! And I wasn’t there! Not there when the shadows fell, when the night of death closed in. The sun that lit my life went out. Not there to respond when the last whisper passed those lips that were so dear to me—my name! So far from my post! The whole world away. Oh, sinking in the waves of death, she cried out for help from her mother, and the only response was silence!

We that are old—we comprehend; even we That are not mad: whose grown-up scions still abide; Their tale complete: Their earlier selves we glimpse at intervals Far in the dimming past; We see the little forms as once they were, And whilst we ache to take them to our hearts, The vision fades. We know them lost to us—Forever lost; we cannot have them back; We miss them as we miss the dead, We mourn them as we mourn the dead.

We who are old—we understand; even we who are not crazy: whose grown children are still around; their story is complete: we catch glimpses of their younger selves now and then, far in the fading past; we see their little forms as they once were, and while we long to hold them close, the vision fades. We know they are lost to us—forever lost; we can’t have them back; we miss them as we miss the dead, we mourn them as we mourn the dead.





APPENDIX V. SELECTIONS FROM AN UNFINISHED BOOK, “3,000 YEARS AMONG THE

MICROBES”

MICROORGANISMS

THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A MICROBE, WHO, IN A FORMER EXISTENCE, HAD BEEN A MAN—HIS PRESENT HABITAT BEING THE ORGANISM OF A TRAMP, BLITZOWSKI. (WRITTEN AT DUBLIN, NEW HAMPSHIRE, 1905)

THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A MICROBE, WHO, IN A FORMER LIFE, HAD BEEN A MAN—HIS CURRENT HOME BEING THE BODY OF A TRAMP, BLITZOWSKI. (WRITTEN IN DUBLIN, NEW HAMPSHIRE, 1905)

(See Chapter ccxxxv)

(See Chapter 235)

Our world (the tramp) is as large and grand and awe-compelling to us microscopic creatures as is man's world to man. Our tramp is mountainous, there are vast oceans in him, and lakes that are sea-like for size, there are many rivers (veins and arteries) which are fifteen miles across, and of a length so stupendous as to make the Mississippi and the Amazon trifling little Rhode Island brooks by comparison. As for our minor rivers, they are multitudinous, and the dutiable commerce of disease which they carry is rich beyond the dreams of the American custom-house.

Our world (the tramp) is as vast, impressive, and amazing to us tiny beings as the human world is to people. Our tramp is mountainous, with vast oceans within him and lakes that are huge. There are many rivers (veins and arteries) that are fifteen miles wide, and their lengths are so immense that they make the Mississippi and the Amazon look like small brooks in Rhode Island. As for our smaller rivers, there are countless of them, and the trade of disease they carry is richer than what any American customs office could imagine.

Take a man like Sir Oliver Lodge, and what secret of Nature can be hidden from him? He says: “A billion, that is a million millions,[?? Trillion D.W.] of atoms is truly an immense number, but the resulting aggregate is still excessively minute. A portion of substance consisting, of a billion atoms is only barely visible with the highest power of a microscope; and a speck or granule, in order to be visible to the naked eye, like a grain of lycopodium-dust, must be a million times bigger still.”

Take a guy like Sir Oliver Lodge, and what secret of Nature could possibly be hidden from him? He says: “A billion, which is a million millions, is indeed an enormous number, but the total result is still incredibly tiny. A piece of matter made up of a billion atoms is just barely visible with the strongest microscope; and to be seen with the naked eye, like a grain of lycopodium dust, it has to be a million times larger.”

The human eye could see it then—that dainty little speck. But with my microbe-eye I could see every individual of the whirling billions of atoms that compose the speck. Nothing is ever at rest—wood, iron, water, everything is alive, everything is raging, whirling, whizzing, day and night and night and day, nothing is dead, there is no such thing as death, everything is full of bristling life, tremendous life, even the bones of the crusader that perished before Jerusalem eight centuries ago. There are no vegetables, all things are animal; each electron is an animal, each molecule is a collection of animals, and each has an appointed duty to perform and a soul to be saved. Heaven was not made for man alone, and oblivion and neglect reserved for the rest of His creatures. He gave them life, He gave them humble services to perform, they have performed them, and they will not be forgotten, they will have their reward. Man-always vain, windy, conceited-thinks he will be in the majority there. He will be disappointed. Let him humble himself. But for the despised microbe and the persecuted bacillus, who needed a home and nourishment, he would not have been created. He has a mission, therefore a reason for existing: let him do the service he was made for, and keep quiet.

The human eye could see it then—that tiny little speck. But with my microbe-eye, I could see every single one of the swirling billions of atoms that make up the speck. Nothing is ever at rest—wood, iron, water, everything is alive, everything is moving, spinning, buzzing, day and night and night and day, nothing is dead; there is no such thing as death. Everything is full of vibrant life, tremendous life, even the bones of the crusader who died before Jerusalem eight centuries ago. There are no plants; everything is living. Each electron is alive, each molecule is a group of living beings, and each has a specific role to play and a soul to be saved. Heaven wasn't created just for humans, nor is oblivion and neglect meant for the rest of His creatures. He gave them life, He gave them simple tasks to do, they have done their part, and they will not be forgotten; they will receive their reward. Humans—always vain, boastful, and arrogant—think they will be in the majority there. They will be disappointed. They should humble themselves. But for the overlooked microbe and the persecuted bacterium, who needed a home and sustenance, humans would not exist. They have a purpose, and thus a reason for being: they should fulfill the roles they were created for and keep quiet.

Three weeks ago I was a man myself, and thought and felt as men think and feel; I have lived 3,000 years since then [microbic time], and I see the foolishness of it now. We live to learn, and fortunate are we when we are wise enough to profit by it.

Three weeks ago, I was just like any other guy, thinking and feeling how guys do; now, after living 3,000 years in such a short time [microbic time], I see the silliness of it all. We exist to learn, and we are lucky when we are smart enough to benefit from that.

In matters pertaining to microscopy we necessarily have an advantage here over the scientist of the earth, because, as I have just been indicating, we see with our naked eyes minutenesses which no man-made microscope can detect, and are therefore able to register as facts many things which exist for him as theories only. Indeed, we know as facts several things which he has not yet divined even by theory. For example, he does not suspect that there is no life but animal life, and that all atoms are individual animals endowed each with a certain degree of consciousness, great or small, each with likes and dislikes, predilections and aversions—that, in a word, each has a character, a character of its own. Yet such is the case. Some of the molecules of a stone have an aversion for some of those of a vegetable or any other creature and will not associate with them—and would not be allowed to, if they tried. Nothing is more particular about society than a molecule. And so there are no end of castes; in this matter India is not a circumstance.

In terms of microscopy, we definitely have an advantage over earth scientists because, as I just mentioned, we can see with our naked eyes details that no man-made microscope can pick up. This allows us to confirm many things that remain theories for them. In fact, we know as facts several things that they haven't even theorized about yet. For instance, they don't realize that there is only animal life and that all atoms are individual animals, each with varying degrees of consciousness, likes and dislikes, preferences and aversions—that is, each has its own character. This is the reality. Some molecules in a stone dislike certain molecules from a plant or another organism and won’t mix with them—and they wouldn’t be allowed to if they tried. Nothing is more particular about society than a molecule. So, there are countless castes; in this respect, India is not an exception.

“Tell me, Franklin [a microbe of great learning], is the ocean an individual, an animal, a creature?”

“Tell me, Franklin [a microbe of great knowledge], is the ocean a single entity, an animal, a living being?”

“Yes.”

"Yep."

“Then water—any water-is an individual?”

“Then water—any water—is an individual?”

“Yes.”

"Yep."

“Suppose you remove a drop of it? Is what is left an individual?”

“What happens if you take away a drop of it? Is what remains an individual?”

“Yes, and so is the drop.”

“Yes, and so is the fall.”

“Suppose you divide the drop?”

"How about splitting the drop?"

“Then you have two individuals.”

"Then you have two people."

“Suppose you separate the hydrogen and the oxygen?”

“Imagine you separate the hydrogen and the oxygen?”

“Again you have two individuals. But you haven't water any more.”

“Again you have two people. But you don't have any water left.”

“Of course. Certainly. Well, suppose you combine them again, but in a new way: make the proportions equal—one part oxygen to one of hydrogen?”

“Sure. Definitely. Well, what if you mix them again, but in a different way: make the proportions equal—one part oxygen to one part hydrogen?”

“But you know you can't. They won't combine on equal terms.”

“But you know you can't. They won't come together on the same level.”

I was ashamed to have made that blunder. I was embarrassed; to cover it I started to say we used to combine them like that where I came from, but thought better of it, and stood pat.

I was ashamed to have made that mistake. I was embarrassed; to cover it, I started to say we used to do it that way where I'm from, but then I thought better of it and just stayed quiet.

“Now then,” I said, “it amounts to this: water is an individual, an animal, and is alive; remove the hydrogen and it is an animal and is alive; the remaining oxygen is also an individual, an animal, and is alive. Recapitulation: the two individuals combined constitute a third individual—and yet each continues to be an individual.”

“Alright,” I said, “here’s the thing: water is an individual, a living being; take away the hydrogen and it’s still a living being; the oxygen left is also an individual, a living being. To sum it up: the two individuals together make a third individual—and yet each one still remains an individual.”

I glanced at Franklin, but... upon reflection, held my peace. I could have pointed out to him that here was mute Nature explaining the sublime mystery of the Trinity so luminously—that even the commonest understanding could comprehend it, whereas many a trained master of words had labored to do it with speech and failed. But he would not have known what I was talking about. After a moment I resumed:

I looked at Franklin, but after thinking it over, I decided to stay quiet. I could have told him that here was silent Nature revealing the profound mystery of the Trinity so clearly that even the simplest mind could grasp it, while many skilled orators had tried to express it with words and had failed. But he wouldn’t have understood what I meant. After a moment, I continued:

“Listen—and see if I have understood you rightly, to wit: All the atoms that constitute each oxygen molecule are separate individuals, and each is a living animal; all the atoms that constitute each hydrogen molecule are separate individuals, and each one is a living animal; each drop of water consists of millions of living animals, the drop itself is an individual, a living animal, and the wide ocean is another. Is that it?”

“Listen—and see if I’ve understood you correctly: All the atoms in each oxygen molecule are distinct individuals, and each is a living organism; all the atoms in each hydrogen molecule are separate individuals, and each one is a living organism; each drop of water is made up of millions of living organisms, the drop itself is an individual, a living organism, and the vast ocean is another. Is that right?”

“Yes, that is correct.”

"Yes, that's right."

“By George, it beats the band!”

"Wow, I'm really impressed!"

He liked the expression, and set it down in his tablets.

He liked the phrase and wrote it down in his notebook.

“Franklin, we've got it down fine. And to think—there are other animals that are still smaller than a hydrogen atom, and yet it is so small that it takes five thousand of them to make a molecule—a molecule so minute that it could get into a microbe's eye and he wouldn't know it was there!”

“Franklin, we've got it figured out perfectly. And to think—there are other animals that are even smaller than a hydrogen atom, and yet it’s so tiny that it takes five thousand of them to form a molecule—a molecule so small that it could get into a microbe’s eye and it wouldn’t even realize it was there!”

“Yes, the wee creatures that inhabit the bodies of us germs and feed upon us, and rot us with disease: Ah, what could they have been created for? They give us pain, they make our lives miserable, they murder us—and where is the use of it all, where the wisdom? Ah, friend Bkshp [microbic orthography], we live in a strange and unaccountable world; our birth is a mystery, our little life is a mystery, a trouble, we pass and are seen no more; all is mystery, mystery, mystery; we know not whence we came, nor why; we know not whither we go, nor why we go. We only know we were not made in vain, we only know we were made for a wise purpose, and that all is well! We shall not be cast aside in contumely and unblest after all we have suffered. Let us be patient, let us not repine, let us trust. The humblest of us is cared for—oh, believe it!—and this fleeting stay is not the end!”

“Yes, the tiny creatures that live in our bodies, feed on us, and make us sick: What were they created for? They cause us pain, make our lives miserable, and kill us—and what’s the point of it all, where's the wisdom? Ah, friend Bkshp [microbic orthography], we live in a strange and inexplicable world; our birth is a mystery, our brief lives are a mystery, a burden, we pass away and are forgotten; everything is a mystery, mystery, mystery; we don’t know where we came from, nor why; we don’t know where we’re going, nor why. We only know we weren’t made in vain, we only know we were created for a wise purpose, and that everything is okay! We will not be disregarded in disgrace and without blessing after all we’ve endured. Let’s be patient, let’s not complain, let’s trust. The humblest among us is looked after—oh, believe it!—and this temporary existence is not the end!”

You notice that? He did not suspect that he, also, was engaged in gnawing, torturing, defiling, rotting, and murdering a fellow-creature—he and all the swarming billions of his race. None of them suspects it. That is significant. It is suggestive—irresistibly suggestive—insistently suggestive. It hints at the possibility that the procession of known and listed devourers and persecutors is not complete. It suggests the possibility, and substantially the certainty, that man is himself a microbe, and his globe a blood-corpuscle drifting with its shining brethren of the Milky Way down a vein of the Master and Maker of all things, whose body, mayhap—glimpsed part-wise from the earth by night, and receding and lost to view in the measureless remotenesses of space—is what men name the Universe.

Did you notice that? He didn’t realize that he was also part of the cycle of gnawing, torturing, defiling, decaying, and killing another being—he and all the billions of his kind. None of them sees it. That’s significant. It’s suggestive—irresistibly suggestive—insistently suggestive. It hints at the idea that the list of known and recognized eaters and oppressors isn’t complete. It suggests the possibility, and likely the certainty, that humanity is itself a microbe, and our planet is a blood cell drifting among its shining companions in the Milky Way down a vein of the Master and Maker of all things, whose body, perhaps—partially glimpsed from Earth at night, and fading away into the vastness of space—is what people call the Universe.

Yes, that was all old to me, but to find that our little old familiar microbes were themselves loaded up with microbes that fed them, enriched them, and persistently and faithfully preserved them and their poor old tramp-planet from destruction—oh, that was new, and too delicious!

Yes, I was already familiar with all that, but discovering that our little old familiar microbes were packed with other microbes that nourished them, enhanced them, and consistently safeguarded them and their worn-out planet from destruction—oh, that was new and so exciting!

I wanted to see them! I was in a fever to see them! I had lenses to two-million power, but of course the field was no bigger than a person's finger-nail, and so it wasn't possible to compass a considerable spectacle or a landscape with them; whereas what I had been craving was a thirty-foot field, which would represent a spread of several miles of country and show up things in a way to make them worth looking at. The boys and I had often tried to contrive this improvement, but had failed.

I was desperate to see them! I was so eager to see them! I had two-million power lenses, but of course the view was no bigger than a person's fingernail, so it wasn't possible to capture a significant scene or landscape with them; what I really wanted was a thirty-foot view, which would cover several miles of land and show things in a way that made them worth viewing. The guys and I had often tried to figure out how to make this happen, but we had failed.

I mentioned the matter to the Duke and it made him smile. He said it was a quite simple thing-he had it at home. I was eager to bargain for the secret, but he said it was a trifle and not worth bargaining for. He said:

I brought up the issue with the Duke, and it made him smile. He said it was a pretty simple thing—he had it at home. I was eager to negotiate for the secret, but he said it was a small matter and not worth haggling over. He said:

“Hasn't it occurred to you that all you have to do is to bend an X-ray to an angle-value of 8.4 and refract it with a parabolism, and there you are?”

“Hasn't it occurred to you that all you have to do is bend an X-ray to an angle of 8.4 and refract it with a parabola, and there you go?”

Upon my word, I had never thought of that simple thing! You could have knocked me down with a feather.

You know, I never considered that simple thing! You could have knocked me over with a feather.

We rigged a microscope for an exhibition at once and put a drop of my blood under it, which got mashed flat when the lens got shut down upon it. The result was beyond my dreams. The field stretched miles away, green and undulating, threaded with streams and roads, and bordered all down the mellowing distances with picturesque hills. And there was a great white city of tents; and everywhere were parks of artillery and divisions of cavalry and infantry waiting. We had hit a lucky moment, evidently there was going to be a march-past or some thing like that. At the front where the chief banner flew there was a large and showy tent, with showy guards on duty, and about it were some other tents of a swell kind.

We set up a microscope for an exhibition and put a drop of my blood under it, which got flattened when the lens closed down on it. The result was beyond my imagination. The view stretched for miles, green and rolling, with streams and roads connecting everything, bordered in the distance by beautiful hills. There was a huge white city of tents; everywhere you looked, there were parks of artillery and units of cavalry and infantry standing by. It was clear we had caught a lucky moment; there was probably going to be a parade or something like that. Up front, where the main banner flew, there was a big, flashy tent with flashy guards on duty, and surrounding it were some other fancy tents.

The warriors—particularly the officers—were lovely to look at, they were so trim-built and so graceful and so handsomely uniformed. They were quite distinct, vividly distinct, for it was a fine day, and they were so immensely magnified that they looked to be fully a finger-nail high.—[My own expression, and a quite happy one. I said to the Duke: “Your Grace, they're just about finger-milers!” “How do you mean, m'lord?” “This. You notice the stately General standing there with his hand resting upon the muzzle of a cannon? Well, if you could stick your little finger down against the ground alongside of him his plumes would just reach up to where your nail joins the flesh.” The Duke said “finger-milers was good”—good and exact; and he afterward used it several times himself.]—Everywhere you could see officers moving smartly about, and they looked gay, but the common soldiers looked sad. Many wife-swinks [“Swinks,” an atomic race] and daughter-swinks and sweetheart-swinks were about—crying, mainly. It seemed to indicate that this was a case of war, not a summer-camp for exercise, and that the poor labor-swinks were being torn from their planet-saving industries to go and distribute civilization and other forms of suffering among the feeble benighted somewhere; else why should the swinkesses cry?

The soldiers—especially the officers—were impressive to look at, so well-built, graceful, and smartly dressed. They stood out vividly, really stood out, because it was a beautiful day, and they were so enlarged that they seemed to be about a fingernail high.—[My own expression, and a pretty clever one. I said to the Duke: “Your Grace, they're practically finger-milers!” “What do you mean, m'lord?” “This. You see the dignified General over there with his hand resting on a cannon? Well, if you put your little finger on the ground next to him, his plumes would just reach the spot where your nail meets your skin.” The Duke said “finger-milers was good”—accurate too; he later used it several times himself.]—All around, you could see officers moving around briskly, and they looked cheerful, but the regular soldiers appeared downcast. There were many wife-swinks [“Swinks,” a basic race] and daughter-swinks and sweetheart-swinks nearby—mainly crying. It seemed to show that this was a situation of war, not a summer camp for training, and that the poor labor-swinks were being pulled away from their vital jobs to go spread civilization and other forms of suffering among the helpless somewhere; otherwise, why would the swinkesses be crying?

The cavalry was very fine—shiny black horses, shapely and spirited; and presently when a flash of light struck a lifted bugle (delivering a command which we couldn't hear) and a division came tearing down on a gallop it was a stirring and gallant sight, until the dust rose an inch—the Duke thought more—and swallowed it up in a rolling and tumbling long gray cloud, with bright weapons glinting and sparkling in it.

The cavalry looked impressive—shiny black horses, elegant and full of energy; and just then, when a ray of light hit a raised bugle (issuing a command we couldn’t hear) and a division rushed by at a gallop, it was an exciting and heroic sight, until the dust rose a bit—the Duke thought more—and engulfed it in a swirling long gray cloud, with bright weapons shining and sparkling within.

Before long the real business of the occasion began. A battalion of priests arrived carrying sacred pictures. That settled it: this was war; these far-stretching masses of troops were bound for the front. Their little monarch came out now, the sweetest little thing that ever travestied the human shape I think, and he lifted up his hands and blessed the passing armies, and they looked as grateful as they could, and made signs of humble and real reverence as they drifted by the holy pictures.

Before long, the main event began. A group of priests showed up carrying sacred images. That confirmed it: this was war; these vast numbers of soldiers were headed to the front line. Their small monarch stepped out now, the cutest little ruler that ever pretended to be human, I think, and he raised his hands and blessed the passing troops. They looked as grateful as they could and showed signs of humble and genuine respect as they passed by the holy images.

It was beautiful—the whole thing; and wonderful, too, when those serried masses swung into line and went marching down the valley under the long array of fluttering flags.

It was beautiful—the whole scene; and amazing, too, when those tightly packed groups lined up and marched down the valley under the long line of waving flags.

Evidently they were going somewhere to fight for their king, which was the little manny that blessed them; and to preserve him and his brethren that occupied the other swell tents; to civilize and grasp a valuable little unwatched country for them somewhere. But the little fellow and his brethren didn't fall in—that was a noticeable particular. They didn't fight; they stayed at home, where it was safe, and waited for the swag.

Clearly, they were heading somewhere to fight for their king, the little guy who blessed them; and to protect him and his friends who were in the other fancy tents; to civilize and take over some valuable, unguarded land for them. But the little guy and his friends didn’t join in—that was something worth noting. They didn’t fight; they stayed at home, where it was safe, and waited for the loot.

Very well, then-what ought we to do? Had we no moral duty to perform? Ought we to allow this war to begin? Was it not our duty to stop it, in the name of right and righteousness? Was it not our duty to administer a rebuke to this selfish and heartless Family?

Very well, then—what should we do? Did we have no moral obligation to fulfill? Should we let this war start? Was it not our responsibility to prevent it, in the name of what is right and just? Was it not our duty to give a reprimand to this selfish and uncaring Family?

The Duke was struck by that, and greatly moved. He felt as I did about it, and was ready to do whatever was right, and thought we ought to pour boiling water on the Family and extinguish it, which we did.

The Duke was taken aback by that and felt deeply moved. He shared my feelings about it and was prepared to do whatever was right. He thought we should pour boiling water on the Family and wipe it out, which we did.

It extinguished the armies, too, which was not intended. We both regretted this, but the Duke said that these people were nothing to us, and deserved extinction anyway for being so poor-spirited as to serve such a Family. He was loyally doing the like himself, and so was I, but I don't think we thought of that. And it wasn't just the same, anyway, because we were sooflaskies, and they were only swinks.

It wiped out the armies too, which wasn't the plan. We both felt bad about it, but the Duke said those people meant nothing to us and deserved to be wiped out for being too weak to serve such a Family. He was doing the same himself, and so was I, but I don't think we considered that. It wasn't really the same, anyway, because we were sooflaskies, and they were just swinks.

Franklin realizes that no atom is destructible; that it has always existed and will exist forever; but he thinks all atoms will go out of this world some day and continue their life in a happier one. Old Tolliver thinks no atom's life will ever end, but he also thinks Blitzowski is the only world it will ever see, and that at no time in its eternity will it be either worse off or better off than it is now and always has been. Of course he thinks the planet Blitzowski is itself eternal and indestructible—at any rate he says he thinks that. It could make me sad, only I know better. D. T. will fetch Blitzy yet one of these days.

Franklin realizes that no atom can be destroyed; it has always existed and will exist forever. However, he believes that all atoms will one day leave this world and continue their existence in a better one. Old Tolliver thinks that no atom's life will ever end, but he also believes that Blitzowski is the only world they will ever experience, and that at no point in its eternity will it be better or worse than it is now and has always been. He also thinks the planet Blitzowski itself is eternal and indestructible—at least, that's what he claims. It could make me sad, but I know better. D. T. will bring Blitzy back one of these days.

But these are alien thoughts, human thoughts, and they falsely indicate that I do not want this tramp to go on living. What would become of me if he should disintegrate? My molecules would scatter all around and take up new quarters in hundreds of plants and animals; each would carry its special feelings along with it, each would be content in its new estate, but where should I be? I should not have a rag of a feeling left, after my disintegration—with his—was complete. Nothing to think with, nothing to grieve or rejoice with, nothing to hope or despair with. There would be no more me. I should be musing and thinking and dreaming somewhere else—in some distant animal maybe—perhaps a cat—by proxy of my oxygen I should be raging and fuming in some other creatures—a rat, perhaps; I should be smiling and hoping in still another child of Nature—heir to my hydrogen—a weed, or a cabbage, or something; my carbonic acid (ambition) would be dreaming dreams in some lowly wood-violet that was longing for a showy career; thus my details would be doing as much feeling as ever, but I should not be aware of it, it would all be going on for the benefit of those others, and I not in it at all. I should be gradually wasting away, atom by atom, molecule by molecule, as the years went on, and at last I should be all distributed, and nothing left of what had once been Me. It is curious, and not without impressiveness: I should still be alive, intensely alive, but so scattered that I would not know it. I should not be dead—no, one cannot call it that—but I should be the next thing to it. And to think what centuries and ages and aeons would drift over me before the disintegration was finished, the last bone turned to gas and blown away! I wish I knew what it is going to feel like, to lie helpless such a weary, weary time, and see my faculties decay and depart, one by one, like lights which burn low, and flicker and perish, until the ever-deepening gloom and darkness which—oh, away, away with these horrors, and let me think of something wholesome!

But these are foreign thoughts, human thoughts, and they misleadingly suggest that I don’t want this wanderer to keep living. What would happen to me if he were to fade away? My molecules would scatter everywhere and take up new residences in hundreds of plants and animals; each would carry its own feelings along with it, each would be content in its new form, but where would I be? I wouldn’t have a single feeling left after my disintegration, along with his, was complete. Nothing to think with, nothing to grieve or celebrate with, nothing to hope or despair with. There would be no more me. I’d be lost in thought and dreaming somewhere else—in some distant animal, maybe—a cat—through my oxygen, I’d be raging and fuming in some other creature—a rat, perhaps; I’d be smiling and hoping in yet another part of Nature—heir to my hydrogen—a weed, or a cabbage, or something; my ambition would be dreaming in some humble wood-violet longing for a grand life; thus my parts would be feeling just as much as ever, but I wouldn’t be aware of it, it would all be happening for the benefit of those others, and I wouldn’t be a part of it at all. I would gradually waste away, atom by atom, molecule by molecule, as the years went by, and eventually, I would be entirely dispersed, with nothing left of what had once been Me. It's strange, and not without a sense of weight: I would still be alive, intensely alive, but so scattered that I wouldn’t know it. I wouldn’t be dead—no, that’s not the right term—but I would be as close as one can get. And to think about the centuries and ages and eons that would pass over me before my disintegration was complete, the last bone turned to gas and blown away! I wish I knew what it would feel like to lie helpless for such an exhausting, exhausting time, and watch my abilities decay and disappear, one by one, like lights that burn low and flicker out until the ever-deepening gloom and darkness—which—oh, let’s push these horrors away and think of something good!

My tramp is only 85; there is good hope that he will live ten years longer—500,000 of my microbe years. So may it be.

My tramp is only 85; there's good reason to believe he will live another ten years—500,000 of my microbe years. So be it.

Oh, dear, we are all so wise! Each of us knows it all, and knows he knows it all—the rest, to a man, are fools and deluded. One man knows there is a hell, the next one knows there isn't; one man knows high tariff is right, the next man knows it isn't; one man knows monarchy is best, the next one knows it isn't; one age knows there are witches, the next one knows there aren't; one sect knows its religion is the only true one, there are sixty-four thousand five hundred million sects that know it isn't so. There is not a mind present among this multitude of verdict-deliverers that is the superior of the minds that persuade and represent the rest of the divisions of the multitude. Yet this sarcastic fact does not humble the arrogance nor diminish the know-it-all bulk of a single verdict-maker of the lot by so much as a shade. Mind is plainly an ass, but it will be many ages before it finds it out, no doubt. Why do we respect the opinions of any man or any microbe that ever lived? I swear I don't know. Why do I respect my own? Well—that is different.

Oh, wow, we all think we're so smart! Each of us believes we know everything and is convinced that everyone else is just foolish and confused. One person is sure there’s a hell, another is just as sure there isn't; one thinks a high tariff is the way to go, while another believes the opposite; one believes monarchy is the best form of government, and another knows it isn’t; one era claims there are witches, and the next is sure there aren’t; one group insists its religion is the only true one, while there are sixty-four thousand five hundred million groups that insist it’s not. Not a single mind in this crowd of opinion-givers is smarter than the minds that influence and represent the rest of this vast group. Yet this ironic truth does nothing to humble the arrogance or reduce the self-important attitude of any one of these decision-makers, not even a little. Clearly, the mind is quite foolish, but it'll probably take ages for it to realize that. Why do we care about the opinions of any person or any microbe that has ever existed? Honestly, I have no idea. Why do I value my own opinion? Well—that's different.





APPENDIX W

LITTLE BESSIE WOULD ASSIST PROVIDENCE

(See Chapter cclxxxii)

(See Chapter 282)

[It is dull, and I need wholesome excitements and distractions; so I will go lightly excursioning along the primrose path of theology.]

It’s boring, and I need some healthy excitement and distractions; so I’ll take a casual stroll down the easy path of theology.

Little Bessie was nearly three years old. She was a good child, and not shallow, not frivolous, but meditative and thoughtful, and much given to thinking out the reasons of things and trying to make them harmonize with results. One day she said:

Little Bessie was almost three years old. She was a well-behaved child, not superficial or silly, but reflective and contemplative, often pondering the reasons behind things and trying to connect them with outcomes. One day she said:

“Mama, why is there so much pain and sorrow and suffering? What is it all for?”

“Mama, why is there so much pain, sorrow, and suffering? What’s it all for?”

It was an easy question, and mama had no difficulty in answering it:

It was an easy question, and mom had no trouble answering it:

“It is for our good, my child. In His wisdom and mercy the Lord sends us these afflictions to discipline us and make us better.”

“It’s for our own good, my child. In His wisdom and mercy, the Lord sends us these challenges to help us grow and become better.”

“Is it He that sends them?”

“Is it Him that sends them?”

“Yes.”

"Yeah."

“Does He send all of them, mama?”

“Does He send all of them, Mom?”

“Yes, dear, all of them. None of them comes by accident; He alone sends them, and always out of love for us, and to make us better.”

“Yes, darling, every single one. None of them happens by chance; He alone sends them, and always out of love for us, to help us grow.”

“Isn't it strange?”

“Isn't that weird?”

“Strange? Why, no, I have never thought of it in that way. I have not heard any one call it strange before. It has always seemed natural and right to me, and wise and most kindly and merciful.”

“Strange? No, I’ve never thought of it that way. I haven’t heard anyone call it strange before. It has always felt natural and right to me, and wise, kind, and merciful.”

“Who first thought of it like that, mama? Was it you?”

“Who first came up with it like that, mom? Was it you?”

“Oh no, child, I was taught it.”

“Oh no, kid, I learned it.”

“Who taught you so, mama?”

“Who taught you that, mom?”

“Why, really, I don't know—I can't remember. My mother, I suppose; or the preacher. But it's a thing that everybody knows.”

"Honestly, I don't know—I can't remember. Maybe my mom; or the pastor. But it's something that everyone knows."

“Well, anyway, it does seem strange. Did He give Billy Norris the typhus?”

“Well, anyway, it does seem strange. Did He give Billy Norris the typhus?”

“Yes.”

"Yep."

“What for?”

"Why?"

“Why, to discipline him and make him good.”

“Why, to teach him a lesson and help him improve.”

“But he died, mama, and so it couldn't make him good.”

“But he died, mom, and so it couldn't change him for the better.”

“Well, then, I suppose it was for some other reason. We know it was a good reason, whatever it was.”

“Well, I guess it was for some other reason. We know it was a good reason, no matter what it was.”

“What do you think it was, mama?”

“What do you think it was, mom?”

“Oh, you ask so many questions! I think it was to discipline his parents.”

“Oh, you ask so many questions! I think it was to keep his parents in line.”

“Well, then, it wasn't fair, mama. Why should his life be taken away for their sake, when he wasn't doing anything?”

“Well, it wasn’t fair, mom. Why should his life be taken away for their sake when he wasn’t doing anything?”

“Oh, I don't know! I only know it was for a good and wise and merciful reason.”

“Oh, I have no idea! All I know is that it was for a good, wise, and compassionate reason.”

“What reason, mama?”

“Why, mom?”

“I think—I think-well, it was a judgment; it was to punish them for some sin they had committed.”

“I think—I think—well, it was a judgment; it was to punish them for some mistake they had made.”

“But he was the one that was punished, mama. Was that right?”

“But he was the one who got punished, Mom. Was that fair?”

“Certainly, certainly. He does nothing that isn't right and wise and merciful. You can't understand these things now, dear, but when you are grown up you will understand them, and then you will see that they are just and wise.”

“Of course, of course. He does everything that's right, smart, and kind. You might not get this now, sweetheart, but when you grow up, you will understand, and then you'll see that it's all fair and wise.”

After a pause:

After a break:

“Did He make the roof fall in on the stranger that was trying to save the crippled old woman from the fire, mama?”

“Did He make the roof collapse on the stranger who was trying to save the disabled old woman from the fire, mom?”

“Yes, my child. Wait! Don't ask me why, because I don't know. I only know it was to discipline some one, or be a judgment upon somebody, or to show His power.”

“Yes, my child. Wait! Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know. I only know it was to discipline someone, or to be a judgment on somebody, or to show His power.”

“That drunken man that stuck a pitchfork into Mrs. Welch's baby when—”

“That drunk guy who stabbed Mrs. Welch's baby with a pitchfork when—”

“Never mind about it, you needn't go into particulars; it was to discipline the child—that much is certain, anyway.”

“Don’t worry about it, you don’t need to go into details; it was to discipline the kid—that much is true, at least.”

“Mama, Mr. Burgess said in his sermon that billions of little creatures are sent into us to give us cholera, and typhoid, and lockjaw, and more than a thousand other sicknesses and—mama, does He send them?”

“Mama, Mr. Burgess said in his sermon that billions of tiny creatures are sent into us to give us cholera, typhoid, lockjaw, and more than a thousand other illnesses—and, mama, does He send them?”

“Oh, certainly, child, certainly. Of course.”

“Oh, definitely, kid, definitely. Of course.”

“What for?”

"What's the reason?"

“Oh, to discipline us! Haven't I told you so, over and over again?”

“Oh, to keep us in line! Haven't I told you that multiple times?”

“It's awful cruel, mama! And silly! and if I——”

“It's really cruel, Mom! And ridiculous! And if I——”

“Hush, oh, hush! Do you want to bring the lightning?”

“Hush, come on, hush! Do you really want to call down the lightning?”

“You know the lightning did come last week, mama, and struck the new church, and burnt it down. Was it to discipline the church?”

“You know the lightning hit last week, Mom, and struck the new church, burning it down. Was it to punish the church?”

(Wearily.) “Oh, I suppose so.”

(Wearily.) “Oh, I guess so.”

“But it killed a hog that wasn't doing anything. Was it to discipline the hog, mama?”

"But it killed a hog that wasn't doing anything. Was it to teach the hog a lesson, mom?"

“Dear child, don't you want to run out and play a while? If you would like to——”

“Hey kid, don’t you want to go out and play for a bit? If you’d like to—”

“Mama, only think! Mr. Hollister says there isn't a bird, or fish, or reptile, or any other animal that hasn't got an enemy that Providence has sent to bite it and chase it and pester it and kill it and suck its blood and discipline it and make it good and religious. Is that true, mother—because if it is true why did Mr. Hollister laugh at it?”

“Mama, just think! Mr. Hollister says there isn’t a bird, or fish, or reptile, or any other animal that doesn’t have an enemy that Providence has sent to bite it, chase it, pester it, kill it, suck its blood, discipline it, and make it good and religious. Is that true, mother—because if it is true, why did Mr. Hollister laugh at it?”

“That Hollister is a scandalous person, and I don't want you to listen to anything he says.”

"That Hollister is a shady character, and I don't want you to believe anything he says."

“Why, mama, he is very interesting, and I think he tries to be good. He says the wasps catch spiders and cram them down into their nests in the ground—alive, mama!—and there they live and suffer days and days and days, and the hungry little wasps chewing their legs and gnawing into their bellies all the time, to make them good and religious and praise God for His infinite mercies. I think Mr. Hollister is just lovely, and ever so kind; for when I asked him if he would treat a spider like that he said he hoped to be damned if he would; and then he——Dear mama, have you fainted! I will run and bring help! Now this comes of staying in town this hot weather.”

“Why, Mom, he’s really interesting, and I think he tries to be good. He says the wasps catch spiders and stuff them down into their nests in the ground—alive, Mom!—and there they live and suffer for days and days and days, with the hungry little wasps chewing their legs and gnawing into their bellies the whole time, to make them good and religious and praise God for His infinite mercies. I think Mr. Hollister is just great, and so kind; because when I asked him if he would treat a spider like that, he said he hoped to be damned if he would; and then he——Dear Mom, have you fainted! I’ll run and get help! This is what happens when you stay in town in this hot weather.”

                      APPENDIX X.

            A CHRONOLOGICAL LIST OF MARK TWAIN'S WORK

            PUBLISHED AND OTHERWISE—FROM 1851-1910
                      APPENDIX X.

            A CHRONOLOGICAL LIST OF MARK TWAIN'S WORK

            PUBLISHED AND OTHERWISE—from 1851-1910

Note 1.—This is not a detailed bibliography, but merely a general list of Mark Twain's literary undertakings, in the order of performance, showing when, and usually where, the work was done, when and where first published, etc. An excellent Mark Twain bibliography has been compiled by Mr. Merle Johnson, to whom acknowledgments are due for important items.

Note 1.—This isn't a detailed bibliography; it's just a general list of Mark Twain's literary works, arranged by when they were created. It shows when and where the work was done, as well as when and where it was first published, etc. An excellent bibliography of Mark Twain has been put together by Mr. Merle Johnson, and we owe him thanks for the important items he provided.

Note 2.—Only a few of the more important speeches are noted. Volumes that are merely collections of tales or articles are not noted.

Note 2.—Only some of the more important speeches are mentioned. Volumes that are just collections of stories or articles are not included.

Note 3.—Titles are shortened to those most commonly in use, as “Huck Finn” or “Huck” for “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.”

Note 3.—Titles are shortened to the most commonly used forms, like “Huck Finn” or “Huck” for “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.”

Names of periodicals are abbreviated.

Understood. Please provide the text for modernization.

The initials U. E. stand for the “Uniform Edition” of Mark Twain's works.

The initials U. E. stand for the "Uniform Edition" of Mark Twain's works.

The chapter number or numbers in the line with the date refers to the place in this work where the items are mentioned.

The chapter number or numbers in the line with the date refers to where the items are mentioned in this work.

                       1851.
              (See Chapter xviii of this work.)
1851.  
(See Chapter xviii of this work.)

Edited the Hannibal Journal during the absence of the owner and editor, Orion Clemens. Wrote local items for the Hannibal Journal. Burlesque of a rival editor in the Hannibal Journal. Wrote two sketches for The Sat. Eve. Post (Philadelphia). To MARY IN H-l. Hannibal Journal.

Edited the Hannibal Journal while the owner and editor, Orion Clemens, was away. Wrote local news for the Hannibal Journal. Satirized a rival editor in the Hannibal Journal. Wrote two sketches for The Saturday Evening Post (Philadelphia). To MARY IN H-l. Hannibal Journal.

                       1852-53.
                   (See Chapter xviii.)
1852-53.  
                   (See Chapter 18.)

JIM WOLFE AND THE FIRE—Hannibal Journal. Burlesque of a rival editor in the Hannibal Journal.

JIM WOLFE AND THE FIRE—Hannibal Journal. Satire of a competing editor in the Hannibal Journal.

                       1853.
                   (See Chapter xix.)
1853.  
                   (See Chapter 19.)

Wrote obituary poems—not published. Wrote first letters home.

Wrote obituary poems—not published. Wrote first letters home.

                       1855-56.
                (See Chapters xx and xxi.)
                       1855-56.  
                (See Chapters 20 and 21.)

First after-dinner speech; delivered at a printers' banquet in Keokuk, Iowa. Letters from Cincinnati, November 16, 1856, signed “Snodgrass”—Saturday Post (Keokuk).

First after-dinner speech; delivered at a printers' banquet in Keokuk, Iowa. Letters from Cincinnati, November 16, 1856, signed “Snodgrass”—Saturday Post (Keokuk).

                       1857.
                   (See Chapter xxi.)
1857.  
                   (See Chapter 21.)

Letters from Cincinnati, March 16, 1857, signed “Snodgrass”—Saturday Post (Keokuk).

Letters from Cincinnati, March 16, 1857, signed “Snodgrass”—Saturday Post (Keokuk).

                         1858.
1858.

Anonymous contributions to the New Orleans Crescent and probably to St. Louis papers.

Anonymous contributions to the New Orleans Crescent and likely to St. Louis newspapers.

                       1859.
            (See Chapter xxvii; also Appendix B.)
                       1859.
            (See Chapter 27; also Appendix B.)

Burlesque of Capt. Isaiah Sellers—True Delta (New Orleans), May 8 or 9.

Burlesque of Capt. Isaiah Sellers—True Delta (New Orleans), May 8 or 9.

                         1861.
               (See Chapters xxxiii to xxxv.)
                         1861.
               (See Chapters 33 to 35.)

Letters home, published in The Gate City (Keokuk).

Letters home, published in The Gate City (Keokuk).

                         1862.
               (See Chapters xxxv to xxxviii.)
                         1862.
               (See Chapters 35 to 38.)

Letters and sketches, signed “Josh,” for the Territorial Enterprise (Virginia City, Nevada). REPORT OF THE LECTURE OF PROF. PERSONAL PRONOUN—Enterprise. REPORT OF A FOURTH OF JULY ORATION—Enterprise. THE PETRIFIED MAN—Enterprise. Local news reporter for the Enterprise from August.

Letters and sketches, signed “Josh,” for the Territorial Enterprise (Virginia City, Nevada). REPORT OF THE LECTURE OF PROF. PERSONAL PRONOUN—Enterprise. REPORT OF A FOURTH OF JULY ORATION—Enterprise. THE PETRIFIED MAN—Enterprise. Local news reporter for the Enterprise from August.

                       1863.
         (See Chapters xli to xliii; also Appendix C.)
                       1863.
         (See Chapters 41 to 43; also Appendix C.)

Reported the Nevada Legislature for the Enterprise. First used the name “Mark Twain,” February 2. ADVICE TO THE UNRELIABLE—Enterprise. CURING A COLD—Enterprise. U. E. INFORMATION FOR THE MILLION—Enterprise. ADVICE TO GOOD LITTLE GIRLS—Enterprise. THE DUTCH NICK MASSACRE—Enterprise. Many other Enterprise sketches. THE AGED PILOT MAN (poem)—“ROUGHING IT.” U. E.

Reported the Nevada Legislature for the Enterprise. First used the name “Mark Twain,” February 2. ADVICE TO THE UNRELIABLE—Enterprise. CURING A COLD—Enterprise. U. E. INFORMATION FOR THE MILLION—Enterprise. ADVICE TO GOOD LITTLE GIRLS—Enterprise. THE DUTCH NICK MASSACRE—Enterprise. Many other Enterprise sketches. THE AGED PILOT MAN (poem)—“ROUGHING IT.” U. E.

                       1864.
              (See. Chapters xliv to xlvii.)
                       1864.
              (See. Chapters 44 to 47.)

Reported the Nevada Legislature for the Enterprise. Speech as “Governor of the Third House.” Letters to New York Sunday Mercury. Local reporter on the San Francisco Call. Articles and sketches for the Golden Era. Articles and sketches for the Californian. Daily letters from San Francisco to the Enterprise. (Several of the Era and Californian sketches appear in SKETCHES NEW AND OLD. U. E.)

Reported to the Nevada Legislature for the Enterprise. Gave a speech as “Governor of the Third House.” Wrote letters to the New York Sunday Mercury. Was a local reporter for the San Francisco Call. Contributed articles and sketches to the Golden Era. Contributed articles and sketches to the Californian. Wrote daily letters from San Francisco to the Enterprise. (Several of the Era and Californian sketches are included in SKETCHES NEW AND OLD. U. E.)

                       1865.
           (See Chapters xlix to li; also Appendix E.)
                       1865.
           (See Chapters 49 to 51; also Appendix E.)




Notes for the Jumping Frog story; Angel's Camp, February. Sketches etc.,

for the Golden Era and Californian. Daily letter to the Enterprise. THE JUMPING FROG (San Francisco) Saturday Press. New York, November 18. U. E.

for the Golden Era and Californian. Daily letter to the Enterprise. THE JUMPING FROG (San Francisco) Saturday Press. New York, November 18. U. E.

                       1866.
           (See Chapters lii to lv; also Appendix D.)
                       1866.
           (See Chapters 52 to 55; also Appendix D.)

Daily letter to the Enterprise. Sandwich Island letters to the Sacramento Union. Lecture on the Sandwich Islands, San Francisco, October 2. FORTY-THREE DAYS IN AN OPEN BOAT—Harper's Magazine, December (error in signature made it Mark Swain).

Daily letter to the Enterprise. Letters from the Sandwich Islands to the Sacramento Union. Lecture on the Sandwich Islands, San Francisco, October 2. FORTY-THREE DAYS IN AN OPEN BOAT—Harper's Magazine, December (error in signature made it Mark Swain).

                       1867.
     (See Chapters lvii to lxv; also Appendices E, F, and G.)
                       1867.
     (See Chapters 57 to 65; also Appendices E, F, and G.)

Letters to Alta California from New York. JIM WOLFE AND THE CATS—N. Y. Sunday Mercury. THE JUMPING FROG—book, published by Charles Henry Webb, May 1. U. E. Lectured at Cooper Union, May, '66. Letters to Alta California and New York Tribune from the Quaker City—Holy Land excursion. Letter to New York Herald on the return from the Holy Land. After-dinner speech on “Women” (Washington). Began arrangement for the publication of THE INNOCENTS ABROAD.

Letters to Alta California from New York. JIM WOLFE AND THE CATS—N. Y. Sunday Mercury. THE JUMPING FROG—book, published by Charles Henry Webb, May 1. U. E. Lectured at Cooper Union, May, '66. Letters to Alta California and New York Tribune from the Quaker City—Holy Land excursion. Letter to New York Herald on the return from the Holy Land. After-dinner speech on “Women” (Washington). Started organizing the publication of THE INNOCENTS ABROAD.

                       1868.
       (See Chapters lxvi to lxix; also Appendices H and I.)
                       1868.
       (See Chapters 66 to 69; also Appendices H and I.)

Newspaper letters, etc., from Washington, for New York Citizen, Tribune, Herald, and other papers and periodicals. Preparing Quaker City letters (in Washington and San Francisco) for book publication. CAPTAIN WAKEMAN'S (STORMFIELD'S) VISIT TO HEAVEN (San Francisco), published Harper's Magazine, December, 1907-January, 1908 (also book, Harpers). Lectured in California and Nevada on the “Holy Land,” July 2. S'CAT! Anonymous article on T. K. Beecher (Elmira), published in local paper. Lecture-tour, season 1868-69.

Newspaper letters, etc., from Washington, for New York Citizen, Tribune, Herald, and other papers and magazines. Getting Quaker City letters (in Washington and San Francisco) ready for book publication. CAPTAIN WAKEMAN'S (STORMFIELD'S) VISIT TO HEAVEN (San Francisco), published in Harper's Magazine, December 1907-January 1908 (also as a book by Harpers). Gave lectures in California and Nevada on the “Holy Land,” July 2. S'CAT! Anonymous article on T. K. Beecher (Elmira), published in a local paper. Lecture tour, season 1868-69.

                       1869.
               (See Chapters lxx to lxxni.)
                       1869.
               (See Chapters 70 to 73.)

THE INNOCENTS ABROAD—book (Am. Pub. Co.), July 20. U. E. Bought one-third ownership in the Buffalo Express. Contributed editorials, sketches, etc., to the Express. Contributed sketches to Packard's Monthly, Wood's Magazine, etc. Lecture-tour, season 1869-70.

THE INNOCENTS ABROAD—book (Am. Pub. Co.), July 20. U. E. Bought a one-third share in the Buffalo Express. Wrote editorials, sketches, and more for the Express. Also contributed sketches to Packard's Monthly, Wood's Magazine, and others. Went on a lecture tour during the 1869-70 season.

                       1870.
         (See Chapters lxxiv to lxxx; also Appendix J.)
                       1870.
         (See Chapters 74 to 80; also Appendix J.)

Contributed various matter to Buffalo Express. Contributed various matter under general head of “MEMORANDA” to Galaxy Magazine, May to April, '71. ROUGHING IT begun in September (Buffalo). SHEM'S DIARY (Buffalo) (unfinished). GOD, ANCIENT AND MODERN (unpublished).

Contributed different articles to the Buffalo Express. Contributed various pieces under the general title of “MEMORANDA” to Galaxy Magazine, from May to April '71. ROUGHING IT started in September (Buffalo). SHEM'S DIARY (Buffalo) (unfinished). GOD, ANCIENT AND MODERN (unpublished).

                       1871.
        (See Chapters lxxxi and lxxxii; also Appendix K.)
                       1871.
        (See Chapters 81 and 82; also Appendix K.)

MEMORANDA continued in Galaxy to April. AUTOBIOGRAPHY AND FIRST ROMANCE—[THE FIRST ROMANCE had appeared in the Express in 1870. Later included in SKETCHES.]—booklet (Sheldon & Co.). U. E. ROUGHING IT finished (Quarry Farm). Ruloff letter—Tribune. Wrote several sketches and lectures (Quarry Farm). Western play (unfinished). Lecture-tour, season 1871-72.

MEMORANDA continued in Galaxy until April. AUTOBIOGRAPHY AND FIRST ROMANCE—[THE FIRST ROMANCE was published in the Express in 1870. Later included in SKETCHES.]—booklet (Sheldon & Co.). U. E. ROUGHING IT was completed (Quarry Farm). Ruloff letter—Tribune. Wrote several sketches and lectures (Quarry Farm). Western play (unfinished). Lecture tour, season 1871-72.

                       1872.
        (See Chapters lxxxiii to lxxxvii; also Appendix L.)
                       1872.
        (See Chapters 83 to 87; also Appendix L.)

ROUGHING IT—book (Am. Pub. Co.), February. U. E. THE MARK TWAIN SCRAP-BOOK invented (Saybrook, Connecticut). TOM SAWYER begun as a play (Saybrook, Connecticut). A few unimportant sketches published in “Practical jokes,” etc. Began a book on England (London).

ROUGHING IT—book (Am. Pub. Co.), February. U. E. THE MARK TWAIN SCRAP-BOOK created (Saybrook, Connecticut). TOM SAWYER started as a play (Saybrook, Connecticut). A few minor sketches published in “Practical jokes,” etc. Began a book about England (London).

                       1873.
              (See Chapters lxxxviii to xcii.)
                       1873.
              (See Chapters 88 to 92.)

Letters on the Sandwich Islands-Tribune, January 3 and 6. THE GILDED AGE (with C. D. Warner)—book (Am. Pub. Co), December. U. E. THE LICENSE OF THE PRESS—paper for The Monday Evening Club. Lectured in London, October 18 and season 1873-74.

Letters on the Sandwich Islands-Tribune, January 3 and 6. THE GILDED AGE (with C. D. Warner)—book (Am. Pub. Co), December. U. E. THE LICENSE OF THE PRESS—paper for The Monday Evening Club. Lectured in London, October 18 and season 1873-74.

                       1874.
        (See Chapters xciii to xcviii; also Appendix M.)
1874.  
(See Chapters 93 to 98; also Appendix M.)

TOM SAWYER continued (in the new study at Quarry Farm). A TRUE STORY (Quarry Farm)-Atlantic, November. U. E. FABLES (Quarry Farm). U. E. COLONEL SELLERS—play (Quarry Farm) performed by John T. Raymond. UNDERTAKER'S LOVE-STORY (Quarry Farm) (unpublished). OLD TIMES ON THE MISSISSIPPI (Hartford) Atlantic, January to July, 1875. Monarchy letter to Mrs. Clemens, dated 1935 (Boston).

TOM SAWYER continued (in the new study at Quarry Farm). A TRUE STORY (Quarry Farm)-Atlantic, November. U. E. FABLES (Quarry Farm). U. E. COLONEL SELLERS—play (Quarry Farm) performed by John T. Raymond. UNDERTAKER'S LOVE-STORY (Quarry Farm) (unpublished). OLD TIMES ON THE MISSISSIPPI (Hartford) Atlantic, January to July, 1875. Monarchy letter to Mrs. Clemens, dated 1935 (Boston).

                       1875.
           (See Chapters c to civ; also Appendix N.)
                       1875.  
           (See Chapters c to civ; also Appendix N.)
UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE—paper for The Monday Evening Club. SKETCHES NEW AND
OLD—book (Am. Pub. Co.), July. U. E. TOM SAWYER concluded (Hartford).
THE CURIOUS REP. OF GONDOUR—Atlantic, October (unsigned). PUNCH,
CONDUCTOR, PUNCH—Atlantic, February, 1876. U. E. THE SECOND ADVENT
(unfinished). THE MYSTERIOUS CHAMBER (unfinished). AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A
DAMN FOOL (unfinished). Petition for International Copyright.                       1876.
                (See Chapters cvi to cx.)
UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE—paper for The Monday Evening Club. SKETCHES NEW AND OLD—book (Am. Pub. Co.), July. U. E. TOM SAWYER concluded (Hartford). THE CURIOUS REP. OF GONDOUR—Atlantic, October (unsigned). PUNCH, CONDUCTOR, PUNCH—Atlantic, February, 1876. U. E. THE SECOND ADVENT (unfinished). THE MYSTERIOUS CHAMBER (unfinished). AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A DAMN FOOL (unfinished). Petition for International Copyright. 1876. (See Chapters cvi to cx.)

Performed in THE LOAN OF THE LOVER as Peter Spuyk (Hartford). CARNIVAL OF CRIME—paper for The Monday Evening Club—Atlantic, June. U. E. HUCK FINN begun (Quarry Farm). CANVASSER'S STORY (Quarry Farm)—Atlantic, December. U. E. “1601” (Quarry Farm), privately printed. [And not edited by Livy. D.W.] AH SIN (with Bret Harte)—play, (Hartford). TOM SAWYER—book (Am. Pub. Co.), December. U. E. Speech on “The Weather,” New England Society, December 22.

Performed in THE LOAN OF THE LOVER as Peter Spuyk (Hartford). CARNIVAL OF CRIME—article for The Monday Evening Club—Atlantic, June. U. E. HUCK FINN started (Quarry Farm). CANVASSER'S STORY (Quarry Farm)—Atlantic, December. U. E. “1601” (Quarry Farm), privately published. [And not edited by Livy. D.W.] AH SIN (with Bret Harte)—play, (Hartford). TOM SAWYER—book (Am. Pub. Co.), December. U. E. Speech on “The Weather,” New England Society, December 22.

                       1877.
         (See Chapters cxii to cxv; also Appendix O.)
                       1877.
         (See Chapters 112 to 115; also Appendix O.)

LOVES OF ALONZO FITZ-CLARENCE, ETC. (Quarry Farm)—Atlantic. IDLE EXCURSION (Quarry Farm)—Atlantic, October, November, December. U. E. SIMON WHEELER, DETECTIVE—play (Quarry Farm) (not produced). PRINCE AND PAUPER begun (Quarry Farm). Whittier birthday speech (Boston), December.

LOVES OF ALONZO FITZ-CLARENCE, ETC. (Quarry Farm)—Atlantic. IDLE EXCURSION (Quarry Farm)—Atlantic, October, November, December. U. E. SIMON WHEELER, DETECTIVE—play (Quarry Farm) (not produced). PRINCE AND PAUPER begun (Quarry Farm). Whittier birthday speech (Boston), December.

                       1878.
               (See Chapters cxvii to cxx.)
                       1878.
               (See Chapters 117 to 120.)

MAGNANIMOUS INCIDENT (Hartford)—Atlantic, May. U. E. A TRAMP ABROAD (Heidelberg and Munich). MENTAL TELEGRAPHY—Harper's Magazine, December, 1891. U. E. GAMBETTA DUEL—Atlantic, February, 1879 (included in TRAMP). U. E. REV. IN PITCAIRN—Atlantic, March, 1879. U. E. STOLEN WHITE ELEPHANT—book (Osgood & Co.), 1882. U. E. (The three items last named were all originally a part of the TRAMP ABROAD.)

MAGNANIMOUS INCIDENT (Hartford)—Atlantic, May. U. E. A TRAMP ABROAD (Heidelberg and Munich). MENTAL TELEGRAPHY—Harper's Magazine, December, 1891. U. E. GAMBETTA DUEL—Atlantic, February, 1879 (included in TRAMP). U. E. REV. IN PITCAIRN—Atlantic, March, 1879. U. E. STOLEN WHITE ELEPHANT—book (Osgood & Co.), 1882. U. E. (The three items last named were all originally a part of the TRAMP ABROAD.)

                       1879.
(See Chapters cxxi to cxxiv; also Chapter cxxxiv and Appendix P.)
                       1879.
(See Chapters 121 to 124; also Chapter 134 and Appendix P.)

A TRAMP ABROAD continued (Paris, Elmira, and Hartford). Adam monument scheme (Elmira). Speech on “The Babies” (Grant dinner, Chicago), November. Speech on “Plagiarism” (Holmes breakfast, Boston), December.

A TRAMP ABROAD continued (Paris, Elmira, and Hartford). Adam monument plan (Elmira). Talk on “The Babies” (Grant dinner, Chicago), November. Talk on “Plagiarism” (Holmes breakfast, Boston), December.

                       1880.
               (See Chapters cxxv to cxxxii.)
                       1880.
               (See Chapters 125 to 132.)

PRINCE AND PAUPER concluded (Hartford and Elmira). HUCK FINN continued (Quarry Farm, Elmira). A CAT STORY (Quarry Farm) (unpublished). A TRAMP ABROAD—book (Am. Pub. Co.), March 13. U. E. EDWARD MILLS AND GEO. BENTON (Hartford)—Atlantic, August. U. E. MRS. McWILLIAMS AND THE LIGHTNING (Hartford)—Atlantic, September. U. E.

PRINCE AND PAUPER concluded (Hartford and Elmira). HUCK FINN continued (Quarry Farm, Elmira). A CAT STORY (Quarry Farm) (unpublished). A TRAMP ABROAD—book (Am. Pub. Co.), March 13. U. E. EDWARD MILLS AND GEO. BENTON (Hartford)—Atlantic, August. U. E. MRS. McWILLIAMS AND THE LIGHTNING (Hartford)—Atlantic, September. U. E.

                       1881.
              (See Chapters cxxxiv to cxxxvii.)
                       1881.
              (See Chapters 134 to 137.)

A CURIOUS EXPERIENCE—Century, November. U. E. A BIOGRAPHY OF ——- (unfinished). PRINCE AND PAUPER—book (Osgood R; CO.), December. BURLESQUE ETIQUETTE (unfinished). [Included in LETTERS FROM THE EARTH D.W.]

A CURIOUS EXPERIENCE—Century, November. U. E. A BIOGRAPHY OF ——- (unfinished). PRINCE AND PAUPER—book (Osgood R; CO.), December. BURLESQUE ETIQUETTE (unfinished). [Included in LETTERS FROM THE EARTH D.W.]

                       1882.
               (See Chapters cxl and cxli.)
                       1882.
               (See Chapters 140 and 141.)

LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI (Elmira and Hartford).

LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI (Elmira and Hartford).

                       1883.
              (See Chapters cxlii to cxlviii.)
                       1883.
              (See Chapters 142 to 148.)

LIFE ON THE Mississippi—book (Osgood R CO.), May. U. E. WHAT Is HAPPINESS?—paper for The Monday Evening Club. Introduction to Portuguese conversation book (Hartford). HUCK FINN concluded (Quarry Farm). HISTORY GAME (Quarry Farm). AMERICAN CLAIMANT (with W. D. Howells)—play (Hartford), produced by A. P. Burbank. Dramatized TOM SAWYER and PRINCE AND PAUPER (not produced).

LIFE ON THE Mississippi—book (Osgood R CO.), May. U. E. WHAT Is HAPPINESS?—paper for The Monday Evening Club. Introduction to Portuguese conversation book (Hartford). HUCK FINN concluded (Quarry Farm). HISTORY GAME (Quarry Farm). AMERICAN CLAIMANT (with W. D. Howells)—play (Hartford), produced by A. P. Burbank. Dramatized TOM SAWYER and PRINCE AND PAUPER (not produced).

                       1884.
               (See Chapters cxlix to cliii.)
1884.  
(See Chapters 149 to 153.)

Embarked in publishing with Charles L. Webster. THE CARSON FOOTPRINTS—the San Franciscan. HUCK FINN—book (Charles L. Webster & Co.), December. U. E. Platform-readings with George W. Cable, season '84-'85.

Embarked on publishing with Charles L. Webster. THE CARSON FOOTPRINTS—the San Franciscan. HUCK FINN—book (Charles L. Webster & Co.), December. U. E. Platform readings with George W. Cable, season '84-'85.

                       1885.
               (See Chapters cliv to clvii.)
                       1885.
               (See Chapters 154 to 157.)

Contracted for General Grant's Memoirs. A CAMPAIGN THAT FAILED—Century, December. U. E. THE UNIVERSAL TINKER—Century, December (open letter signed X. Y. Z. Letter on the government of children—Christian Union.) KIDITCHIN (children's poem).

Contracted for General Grant's Memoirs. A CAMPAIGN THAT FAILED—Century, December. U. E. THE UNIVERSAL TINKER—Century, December (open letter signed X. Y. Z. Letter on the government of children—Christian Union.) KIDITCHIN (children's poem).

                       1886.
         (See Chapters clix to clxi; also Appendix Q.)
                       1886.
         (See Chapters 159 to 161; also Appendix Q.)

Introduced Henry M. Stanley (Boston). CONNECTICUT YANKEE begun (Hartford). ENGLISH AS SHE IS TAUGHT—Century, April, 1887. LUCK—Harper's, August, 1891. GENERAL GRANT AND MATTHEW ARNOLD—Army and Navy dinner speech.

Introduced Henry M. Stanley (Boston). CONNECTICUT YANKEE begun (Hartford). ENGLISH AS SHE IS TAUGHT—Century, April, 1887. LUCK—Harper's, August, 1891. GENERAL GRANT AND MATTHEW ARNOLD—Army and Navy dinner speech.

                       1887.
         (See Chapters clxii to clxiv; also Appendix R.)
1887.  
(See Chapters 162 to 164; also Appendix R.)

MEISTERSCHAFT—play (Hartford)-Century, January, 1888. U. E. KNIGHTS OF LABOR—essay (not published). To THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND—Harper's Magazine, December. U. E. CONSISTENCY—paper for The Monday Evening Club.

MEISTERSCHAFT—play (Hartford)-Century, January, 1888. U. E. KNIGHTS OF LABOR—essay (not published). To THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND—Harper's Magazine, December. U. E. CONSISTENCY—paper for The Monday Evening Club.

                       1888.
               (See Chapters clxv to clxviii.)
                       1888.
               (See Chapters 165 to 168.)

Introductory for “Unsent Letters” (unpublished). Master of Arts degree from Yale. Yale Alumni address (unpublished). Copyright controversy with Brander Matthews—Princeton Review. Replies to Matthew Arnold's American criticisms (unpublished). YANKEE continued (Elmira and Hartford). Introduction of Nye and Riley (Boston).

Introductory for “Unsent Letters” (unpublished). Master of Arts degree from Yale. Yale Alumni address (unpublished). Copyright controversy with Brander Matthews—Princeton Review. Replies to Matthew Arnold's American criticisms (unpublished). YANKEE continued (Elmira and Hartford). Introduction of Nye and Riley (Boston).

                       1889.
        (See Chapters clxix to clxxiii; also Appendix S.)
1889.  
(See Chapters 169 to 173; also Appendix S.)

A MAJESTIC LITERARY FOSSIL Harper's Magazine, February, 1890. U. E. HUCK AND TOM AMONG THE INDIANS (unfinished). Introduction to YANKEE (not used). LETTER To ELSIE LESLIE—St Nicholas, February, 1890. CONNECTICUT YANKEE—book (Webster & Co.), December. U. E.

A MAJESTIC LITERARY FOSSIL Harper's Magazine, February, 1890. U. E. HUCK AND TOM AMONG THE INDIANS (unfinished). Introduction to YANKEE (not used). LETTER To ELSIE LESLIE—St Nicholas, February, 1890. CONNECTICUT YANKEE—book (Webster & Co.), December. U. E.

                       1890.
              (See Chapters clxxii to clxxiv.)
                       1890.
              (See Chapters 172 to 174.)

Letter to Andrew Lang about English Criticism. (No important literary matters this year. Mark Twain engaged promoting the Paige typesetting-machine.)

Letter to Andrew Lang about English Criticism. (No significant literary issues this year. Mark Twain is focused on promoting the Paige typesetting machine.)

                       1891.
              (See Chapters clxxv to clxxvii.)
                       1891.
              (See Chapters 175 to 177.)

AMERICAN CLAIMANT (Hartford) syndicated; also book (Webster & Co.), May, 1892. U. E. European letters to New York Sun. DOWN THE RHONE (unfinished). KORNERSTRASSE (unpublished).

AMERICAN CLAIMANT (Hartford) syndicated; also book (Webster & Co.), May, 1892. U. E. European letters to New York Sun. DOWN THE RHONE (unfinished). KORNERSTRASSE (unpublished).

                       1892.
              (See Chapters clxxx to clxxxii.)
1892.  
(See Chapters 180 to 182.)

THE GERMAN CHICAGO (Berlin—Sun.) U. E. ALL KINDS OF SHIPS (at sea). U. E. Tom SAWYER ABROAD (Nauheim)—St. Nicholas, November, '93, to April, '94. U. E. THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS (Nauheim). U. E. PUDD'NHEAD WILSON (Nauheim and Florence)—Century, December, '93, to June, '94 U. E. $100,000 BANK-NOTE (Florence)—Century, January, '93. U. E.

THE GERMAN CHICAGO (Berlin—Sun.) U. E. ALL KINDS OF SHIPS (at sea). U. E. Tom SAWYER ABROAD (Nauheim)—St. Nicholas, November '93 to April '94. U. E. THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS (Nauheim). U. E. PUDD'NHEAD WILSON (Nauheim and Florence)—Century, December '93 to June '94. U. E. $100,000 BANK-NOTE (Florence)—Century, January '93. U. E.

                       1893.
            (See Chapters clxxxiii to clxxxvii.)
1893.  
(See Chapters 183 to 187.)

JOAN OF ARC begun (at Villa Viviani, Florence) and completed up to the raising of the Siege of Orleans. CALIFORNIAN'S TALE (Florence) Liber Scriptorum, also Harper's. ADAM'S DIARY (Florence)—Niagara Book, also Harper's. ESQUIMAU MAIDEN'S ROMANCE—Cosmopolitan, November. U. E. IS HE LIVING OR IS HE DEAD?—Cosmopolitan, September. U. E. TRAVELING WITH A REFORMER—Cosmopolitan, December. U. E. IN DEFENSE OF HARRIET SHELLEY (Florence)—N. A.—Rev., July, '94. U. E. FENIMORE COOPER'S LITERARY OFFENSES—[This may not have been written until early in 1894.]—(Players, New York)—N. A. Rev., July, '95 U. E.

JOAN OF ARC started (at Villa Viviani, Florence) and finished up to the lifting of the Siege of Orleans. CALIFORNIAN'S TALE (Florence) Liber Scriptorum, also Harper's. ADAM'S DIARY (Florence)—Niagara Book, also Harper's. ESQUIMAU MAIDEN'S ROMANCE—Cosmopolitan, November. U. E. IS HE LIVING OR IS HE DEAD?—Cosmopolitan, September. U. E. TRAVELING WITH A REFORMER—Cosmopolitan, December. U. E. IN DEFENSE OF HARRIET SHELLEY (Florence)—N. A.—Rev., July '94. U. E. FENIMORE COOPER'S LITERARY OFFENSES—[This may not have been written until early in 1894.]—(Players, New York)—N. A. Rev., July '95 U. E.

                       1894.
              (See Chapters clxxxviii to cxc.)
                       1894.
              (See Chapters 188 to 190.)

JOAN OF ARC continued (Etretat and Paris). WHAT PAUL BOURGET THINKS OF US (Etretat)—N. A. Rev., January, '95 U. E. TOM SAWYER ABROAD—book (Webster & Co.), April. U. E. PUDD'NHEAD WILSON—book (Am. Pub. Co.), November. U. E. The failure of Charles L. Webster & Co., April 18. THE DERELICT—poem (Paris) (unpublished).

JOAN OF ARC continued (Etretat and Paris). WHAT PAUL BOURGET THINKS OF US (Etretat)—N. A. Rev., January, '95 U. E. TOM SAWYER ABROAD—book (Webster & Co.), April. U. E. PUDD'NHEAD WILSON—book (Am. Pub. Co.), November. U. E. The failure of Charles L. Webster & Co., April 18. THE DERELICT—poem (Paris) (unpublished).

                       1895.
              (See Chapters clxxxix and cxcii.)
                       1895.
              (See Chapters 189 and 192.)

JOAN OF ARC finished (Paris), January 28, Harper's Magazine, April to December. MENTAL TELEGRAPHY AGAIN—Harper's, September. U. E. A LITTLE NOTE TO PAUL BOURGET. U. E. Poem to Mrs. Beecher (Elmira) (not published). U. E. Lecture-tour around the world, begun at Elmira, July 14, ended July 31.

JOAN OF ARC finished (Paris), January 28, Harper's Magazine, April to December. MENTAL TELEGRAPHY AGAIN—Harper's, September. U. E. A LITTLE NOTE TO PAUL BOURGET. U. E. Poem to Mrs. Beecher (Elmira) (not published). U. E. Lecture tour around the world, started in Elmira, July 14, ended July 31.

                       1896.
               (See Chapters cxci to cxciv.)
1896.  
(See Chapters 191 to 194.)

JOAN OF ARC—book (Harpers) May. U. E. TOM SAWYER, DETECTIVE, and other stories-book (Harpers), November. FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR begun (23 Tedworth Square, London).

JOAN OF ARC—book (Harpers) May. U. E. TOM SAWYER, DETECTIVE, and other stories-book (Harpers), November. FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR begun (23 Tedworth Square, London).

                       1897.
               (See Chapters cxcvii to cxcix.)
                       1897.
               (See Chapters 197 to 199.)

FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR—book (Am. Pub. Co.), November. QUEEN'S JUBILEE (London), newspaper syndicate; book privately printed. JAMES HAMMOND TRUMBULL—Century, November. WHICH WAS WHICH? (London and Switzerland) (unfinished). TOM AND HUCK (Switzerland) (unfinished).

FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR—book (Am. Pub. Co.), November. QUEEN'S JUBILEE (London), newspaper syndicate; book privately printed. JAMES HAMMOND TRUMBULL—Century, November. WHICH WAS WHICH? (London and Switzerland) (unfinished). TOM AND HUCK (Switzerland) (unfinished).

HELLFIRE HOTCHKISS (Switzerland) (unfinished). IN MEMORIAM—poem (Switzerland)-Harper's Magazine. U. E. Concordia Club speech (Vienna). STIRRING TIMES IN AUSTRIA (Vienna)—Harper's Magazine, March, 1898. U. E.

HELLFIRE HOTCHKISS (Switzerland) (unfinished). IN MEMORY—poem (Switzerland)-Harper's Magazine. U. E. Concordia Club speech (Vienna). EXCITING TIMES IN AUSTRIA (Vienna)—Harper's Magazine, March, 1898. U. E.

                       1898.
         (See Chapters cc to cciii; also Appendix T.)
1898.  
(See Chapters cc to cciii; also Appendix T.)

THE AUSTRIAN EDISON KEEPING SCHOOL AGAIN (Vienna) Century, August. U. E. AT THE APPETITE CURE (Vienna)—Cosmopolitan, August. U. E. FROM THE LONDON TIMES, 1904 (Vienna)—Century, November. U. E. ABOUT PLAY-ACTING (Vienna)—Forum, October. U. E. CONCERNING THE JEWS (Vienna)—Harper's Magazine, September, '99. U. E. CHRISTIAN SCIENCE AND MRS. EDDY (Vienna)—Cosmopolitan, October. U. E. THE MAN THAT CORRUPTED HADLEYBURG (Vienna)—Harper's Magazine, December, '99 U. E. Autobiographical chapters (Vienna); some of them used in the N. A. Rev., 1906-07. WHAT IS MAN? (Kaltenleutgeben)—book (privately printed), August, 1906. ASSASSINATION OF AN EMPRESS (Kaltenleutgeben) (unpublished). THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER (unfinished). Translations of German plays (unproduced).

THE AUSTRIAN EDISON KEEPING SCHOOL AGAIN (Vienna) Century, August. U. E. AT THE APPETITE CURE (Vienna)—Cosmopolitan, August. U. E. FROM THE LONDON TIMES, 1904 (Vienna)—Century, November. U. E. ABOUT PLAY-ACTING (Vienna)—Forum, October. U. E. CONCERNING THE JEWS (Vienna)—Harper's Magazine, September, '99. U. E. CHRISTIAN SCIENCE AND MRS. EDDY (Vienna)—Cosmopolitan, October. U. E. THE MAN THAT CORRUPTED HADLEYBURG (Vienna)—Harper's Magazine, December, '99 U. E. Autobiographical chapters (Vienna); some of them used in the N. A. Rev., 1906-07. WHAT IS MAN? (Kaltenleutgeben)—book (privately printed), August, 1906. ASSASSINATION OF AN EMPRESS (Kaltenleutgeben) (unpublished). THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER (unfinished). Translations of German plays (unproduced).

                       1899.
               (See Chapters cciv to ccviii.)
                       1899.
               (See Chapters 204 to 208.)

DIPLOMATIC PAY AND CLOTHES (Vienna)—Forum, March. U. E. MY LITERARY DEBUT (Vienna)—Century, December. U. E. CHRISTIAN SCIENCE (Vienna)—N. A. Rev., December, 1902, January and February, 1903. Translated German plays (Vienna) (unproduced). Collaborated with Siegmund Schlesinger on plays (Vienna) (unfinished). Planned a postal-check scheme (Vienna). Articles about the Kellgren treatment (Sanna, Sweden) (unpublished). ST. JOAN OF ARC (London)—Harper's Magazine, December, 1904. U. E. MY FIRST LIE, AND How I GOT OUT OF IT (London)—New York World. U. E.

DIPLOMATIC PAY AND CLOTHES (Vienna)—Forum, March. U. E. MY LITERARY DEBUT (Vienna)—Century, December. U. E. CHRISTIAN SCIENCE (Vienna)—N. A. Rev., December 1902, January and February 1903. Translated German plays (Vienna) (not produced). Collaborated with Siegmund Schlesinger on plays (Vienna) (unfinished). Planned a postal-check scheme (Vienna). Articles about the Kellgren treatment (Sanna, Sweden) (unpublished). ST. JOAN OF ARC (London)—Harper's Magazine, December 1904. U. E. MY FIRST LIE, AND How I GOT OUT OF IT (London)—New York World. U. E.

Articles on South African War (London) (unpublished) Uniform Edition of Mark Twain's works (Am. Pub. Co.).

Articles on the South African War (London) (unpublished) Uniform Edition of Mark Twain's works (Am. Pub. Co.).

                       1900.
               (See Chapters ccix to ccxii.)
                       1900.
               (See Chapters 209 to 212.)

TWO LITTLE TALES (London)—Century, November, 1901. U. E. Spoke on “Copyright” before the House of Lords. Delivered many speeches in London and New York.

TWO LITTLE TALES (London)—Century, November, 1901. U. E. Spoke on “Copyright” before the House of Lords. Delivered many speeches in London and New York.

                       1901.
              (See Chapters ccxiii to ccxviii.)
                       1901.
              (See Chapters 213 to 218.)

TO THE PERSON SITTING IN DARKNESS (14 West Tenth Street, New York)—N. A. Rev., February. TO MY MISSIONARY CRITICS (14 West Tenth Street, New York)—N. A. Rev., April. DOUBLE-BARREL DETECTIVE STORY (Saranac Lake, “The Lair”) Harper's Magazine, January and February, 1902. Lincoln Birthday Speech, February 11. Many other speeches. PLAN FOR CASTING VOTE PARTY (Riverdale) (unpublished). THE STUPENDOUS PROCESSION (Riverdale) (unpublished). ANTE-MORTEM OBITUARIES—Harper's Weekly. Received degree of Doctor of Letters from Yale.

TO THE PERSON SITTING IN DARKNESS (14 West Tenth Street, New York)—N. A. Rev., February. TO MY MISSIONARY CRITICS (14 West Tenth Street, New York)—N. A. Rev., April. DOUBLE-BARREL DETECTIVE STORY (Saranac Lake, “The Lair”) Harper's Magazine, January and February, 1902. Lincoln Birthday Speech, February 11. Many other speeches. PLAN FOR CASTING VOTE PARTY (Riverdale) (unpublished). THE STUPENDOUS PROCESSION (Riverdale) (unpublished). ANTE-MORTEM OBITUARIES—Harper's Weekly. Received the degree of Doctor of Letters from Yale.

                       1902.
        (See Chapters ccxix to ccxxiv; also Appendix U.)
                       1902.
        (See Chapters 219 to 224; also Appendix U.)

DOES THE RACE OF MAN LOVE A LORD? (Riverdale)—N. A. Rev., April. U. E. FIVE BOONS of LIFE (Riverdale)—Harper's Weekly, July 5. U. E. WHY NOT ABOLISH IT? (Riverdale)—Harper's Weekly, July 5. DEFENSE OF GENERAL FUNSTON (Riverdale)—N. A. Rev., May. IF I COULD BE THERE (Riverdale unpublished). Wrote various articles, unfinished or unpublished. Received degree of LL.D. from the University of Missouri, June.

DOES HUMANITY LOVE A LEADER? (Riverdale)—N. A. Rev., April. U. E. FIVE BLESSINGS OF LIFE (Riverdale)—Harper's Weekly, July 5. U. E. WHY NOT END IT? (Riverdale)—Harper's Weekly, July 5. DEFENSE OF GENERAL FUNSTON (Riverdale)—N. A. Rev., May. IF I COULD BE THERE (Riverdale unpublished). Wrote various articles, unfinished or unpublished. Received an LL.D. degree from the University of Missouri, June.

THE BELATED PASSPORT (York Harbor)—Harper's Weekly, December 6. U. E. WAS IT HEAVEN? OR HELL? (York Harbor)—Harper's Magazine, December. U. E. Poem (Riverdale and York Harbor) (unpublished) Sixty-seventh Birthday speech (New York), November 27.

THE BELATED PASSPORT (York Harbor)—Harper's Weekly, December 6. U. E. WAS IT HEAVEN? OR HELL? (York Harbor)—Harper's Magazine, December. U. E. Poem (Riverdale and York Harbor) (unpublished) Sixty-seventh Birthday speech (New York), November 27.

                       1903.
               (See Chapters ccxxv to ccxxx.)
                       1903.
               (See Chapters 225 to 230.)

MRS. EDDY IN ERROR (Riverdale)—N. A. Rev., April. INSTRUCTIONS IN ART (Riverdale)-Metropolitan, April and May. EDDYPUS, and other C. S. articles (unfinished). A DOG'S TALE (Elmira)—Harper's Magazine, December. U. E. ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER (Florence)—Harper's Weekly, January 21, 1904. U. E. ITALIAN WITH GRAMMAR (Florence)—Harper's Magazine, August, U. E. THE $30,000 BEQUEST (Florence)—Harper's Weekly, December 10, 1904. U. E.

MRS. EDDY IN ERROR (Riverdale)—N. A. Rev., April. INSTRUCTIONS IN ART (Riverdale)—Metropolitan, April and May. EDDYPUS, and other C. S. articles (unfinished). A DOG'S TALE (Elmira)—Harper's Magazine, December. U. E. ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER (Florence)—Harper's Weekly, January 21, 1904. U. E. ITALIAN WITH GRAMMAR (Florence)—Harper's Magazine, August, U. E. THE $30,000 BEQUEST (Florence)—Harper's Weekly, December 10, 1904. U. E.

                       1904.
              (See Chapters ccxxx to ccxxxiv.)
1904.  
(See Chapters 230 to 234.)

AUTOBIOGRAPHY (Florence)—portions published, N. A. Rev. and Harper's Weekly. CONCERNING COPYRIGHT (Tyringham, Massachusetts)—N. A. Rev., January, 1905. TSARS SOLILOQUY (21 Fifth Avenue, New York)—N. A. Rev., March, 1905. ADAM'S DIARY—book (Harpers), April.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY (Florence)—parts published in N. A. Rev. and Harper's Weekly. CONCERNING COPYRIGHT (Tyringham, Massachusetts)—N. A. Rev., January 1905. TSARS SOLILOQUY (21 Fifth Avenue, New York)—N. A. Rev., March 1905. ADAM'S DIARY—book (Harpers), April.

                       1905.
       (See Chapters ccxxxiv to ccxxxvii; also Appendix V.)
                       1905.
       (See Chapters 234 to 237; also Appendix V.)

LEOPOLD'S SOLILOQUY (21 Fifth Avenue, New York)—pamphlet, P. R. Warren Company. THE WAR PRAYER (21 Fifth Avenue, New York) (unpublished). EVE'S DIARY (Dublin, New Hampshire)—Harper's Magazine, December. 3,000 YEARS AMONG THE MICROBES (unfinished). INTERPRETING THE DEITY (Dublin New Hampshire) (unpublished). A HORSE'S TALE (Dublin, New Hampshire)-Harper's Magazine, August and September, 1906. Seventieth Birthday speech. W. D. HOWELLS (21 Fifth Avenue, New York)-Harper's Magazine, July, 1906.

LEOPOLD'S SOLILOQUY (21 Fifth Avenue, New York)—pamphlet, P. R. Warren Company. THE WAR PRAYER (21 Fifth Avenue, New York) (unpublished). EVE'S DIARY (Dublin, New Hampshire)—Harper's Magazine, December. 3,000 YEARS AMONG THE MICROBES (unfinished). INTERPRETING THE DEITY (Dublin New Hampshire) (unpublished). A HORSE'S TALE (Dublin, New Hampshire)—Harper's Magazine, August and September, 1906. Seventieth Birthday speech. W. D. HOWELLS (21 Fifth Avenue, New York)—Harper's Magazine, July, 1906.

                       1906.
               (See Chapters ccxxxix to ccli.)
                       1906.
               (See Chapters 239 to 250.)

Autobiography dictation (21 Fifth Avenue, New York; and Dublin, New Hampshire)—selections published, N. A. Rev., 1906 and 1907. Many speeches. Farewell lecture, Carnegie Hall, April 19. WHAT IS MAN?—book (privately printed). Copyright speech (Washington), December.

Autobiography dictation (21 Fifth Avenue, New York; and Dublin, New Hampshire)—selections published, N. A. Rev., 1906 and 1907. Many speeches. Farewell lecture, Carnegie Hall, April 19. WHAT IS MAN?—book (privately printed). Copyright speech (Washington), December.

                       1907.
              (See Chapters cclvi to cclxiii.)
                       1907.
              (See Chapters 256 to 263.)

Autobiography dictations (27 Fifth Avenue, New York; and Tuxedo). Degree of Doctor of Literature conferred by Oxford, June 26. Made many London speeches. Begum of Bengal speech (Liverpool). CHRISTIAN SCIENCE—book (Harpers), February. U. E. CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT To HEAVEN—book (Harpers).

Autobiography notes (27 Fifth Avenue, New York; and Tuxedo). Honorary Doctor of Literature degree awarded by Oxford, June 26. Delivered several speeches in London. Speech for the Begum of Bengal (Liverpool). CHRISTIAN SCIENCE—book (Harpers), February. U. E. CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN—book (Harpers).

                       1908.
               (See Chapters cclxiv to cclxx.)
                       1908.
               (See Chapters 264 to 270.)

Autobiography dictations (21 Fifth Avenue, New York; and Redding, Connecticut). Lotos Club and other speeches. Aldrich memorial speech.

Autobiography recordings (21 Fifth Avenue, New York; and Redding, Connecticut). Lotos Club and various speeches. Aldrich memorial speech.

                       1909.
    (See Chapters cclxxvi to cclxxxix; also Appendices N and W.)
                       1909.
    (See Chapters 276 to 289; also Appendices N and W.)

IS SHAKESPEARE DEAD?—book (Harpers), April. A FABLE—Harper's Magazine December. Copyright documents (unpublished). Address to St. Timothy School. MARJORIE FLEMING (Stormfield)—Harper's Bazar, December. THE TURNING-POINT OF MY LIFE (Stormfield)—Harper's Bazar, February, 1910 BESSIE DIALOGUE (unpublished). LETTERS FROM THE EARTH (unfinished). THE DEATH OF JEAN—Harper's, December, 1910. THE INTERNATIONAL LIGHTNING TRUST (unpublished).

IS SHAKESPEARE DEAD?—book (Harpers), April. A FABLE—Harper's Magazine December. Copyright documents (unpublished). Address to St. Timothy School. MARJORIE FLEMING (Stormfield)—Harper's Bazar, December. THE TURNING-POINT OF MY LIFE (Stormfield)—Harper's Bazar, February 1910. BESSIE DIALOGUE (unpublished). LETTERS FROM THE EARTH (unfinished). THE DEATH OF JEAN—Harper's, December 1910. THE INTERNATIONAL LIGHTNING TRUST (unpublished).

                       1910.
                  (See Chapter ccxcii.)
1910.
                  (See Chapter 292.)

VALENTINES TO HELEN AND OTHERS (not published). ADVICE TO PAINE (not published).

VALENTINES TO HELEN AND OTHERS (not published). ADVICE TO PAINE (not published).











Download ePUB

If you like this ebook, consider a donation!