Alice in Wonderland: A Dramatization of Lewis Carroll's "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass" in Modern English

This is a modern-English version of Alice in Wonderland: A Dramatization of Lewis Carroll's "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass", originally written by Carroll, Lewis, Gerstenberg, Alice. It has been thoroughly updated, including changes to sentence structure, words, spelling, and grammar—to ensure clarity for contemporary readers, while preserving the original spirit and nuance. If you click on a paragraph, you will see the original text that we modified, and you can toggle between the two versions.

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Alice: You’re Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg.
[Page 24]

Alice: You’re Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg.
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Text of Title Page

Published December, 1915

Published December 1915

Rights to produce this play in all countries of the world
are reserved by Alice Gerstenberg

W. F. MAEL PRINTING COMPANY, CHICAGO

This dramatic rendering of Alice in Wonderland, by Alice Gerstenberg of Chicago, was produced by The Players Producing Company of Chicago (Aline Barnsdall and Arthur Bissell), at the Fine Arts Theater, Chicago, February 11, 1915. After a successful run it opened at the Booth Theater, New York, March 23, 1915.

This dramatic version of Alice in Wonderland, created by Alice Gerstenberg from Chicago, was presented by The Players Producing Company of Chicago (Aline Barnsdall and Arthur Bissell) at the Fine Arts Theater in Chicago on February 11, 1915. After a successful run, it premiered at the Booth Theater in New York on March 23, 1915.

The scenery and the costumes were designed by William Penhallow Henderson of Chicago.

The scenery and costumes were created by William Penhallow Henderson from Chicago.

The music was written by Eric De Lamarter of Chicago.

The music was composed by Eric De Lamarter from Chicago.

The advertising posters and cards were designed by Jerome Blum of Chicago.

The advertising posters and cards were created by Jerome Blum from Chicago.

The illustrations of the characters of the play in this book were drawn by J. Allen St. John from photographs by Victor Georg of Chicago.

The illustrations of the characters in this play were created by J. Allen St. John based on photos taken by Victor Georg from Chicago.

W. H. Gilmore staged the play with the following cast:

W. H. Gilmore produced the play with this cast:

Lewis Carroll	Frank Stirling
Alice	Vivian Tobin
Red Queen	Florence LeClercq
White Queen	Mary Servoss
White Rabbit	Donald Gallaher
Humpty Dumpty	Alfred Donohoe
Gryphon	Fred W. Permain
Mock Turtle	Geoffrey Stein
Mad Hatter	Geoffrey Stein
March Hare	Fred W. Permain
Dormouse	J. Gunnis Davis
Frog Footman	Walter Kingsford
Duchess	Kenyon Bishop
Cheshire Cat	Alfred Donohoe
King of Hearts	Frederick Annerly
Queen of Hearts	Winifred Hanley
Jack of Hearts	Foxhall Daingerfield
Caterpillar	Walter Kingsford
Two of Spades	Rule Pyott
5 of Spades	France Bendtsen
Seven of Spades	John A. Rice

Alice in Wonderland

THE SCENES

ACT I

Scene I—Alice’s Home.
Scene II—The Room in the Looking Glass.
Scene III—The Hall with Doors.
Scene IV—The Sea Shore.

ACT II

Scene——The March Hare’s Garden.

ACT III

Scene I—The Garden of Flowers.
Scene II—The Court of Hearts.
Scene III—Alice’s Home.

Miss Gerstenberg’s manuscript called for costumes after the illustrations of John Tenniel, and scenery of the simple imaginative type, the “new art” in the theater.

Miss Gerstenberg’s manuscript needed costumes based on John Tenniel's illustrations and simple, imaginative scenery, the "new art" in theater.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

[Pg 1]

Alice in Wonderland

ACT I

SCENE ONE

Alice’s home. Lewis Carroll is discovered, playing chess. Golden-haired Alice, in a little blue dress, a black kitten in her arms, stands watching him.

Alice's home. Lewis Carroll is found, playing chess. Golden-haired Alice, in a little blue dress, holding a black kitten in her arms, is watching him.

Alice

That’s a funny game, uncle. What did you do then?

That’s a funny game, uncle. What did you do next?

Carroll

A red pawn took a white pawn; this way. You see, Alice, the chessboard is divided into sixty-four squares, red and white, and the white army tries to win and the red army tries to win. It’s like a battle!

A red pawn captured a white pawn; like this. You see, Alice, the chessboard has sixty-four squares, red and white, and the white army is trying to win while the red army is trying to win. It’s like a battle!

Alice

With soldiers?

With troops?

Carroll

Yes, here are the Kings and Queens they are fighting for. That’s the Red Queen and here’s the White Queen.

Yes, here are the Kings and Queens they’re fighting for. That’s the Red Queen and here’s the White Queen.

[Pg 2]
Alice

How funny they look!

They look so funny!

Carroll

See the crowns on their heads, and look at their big feet.

See the crowns on their heads, and check out their big feet.

Alice

It’s a foot apiece, that’s what it is! Do they hump along like this?

It’s a foot each, that’s what it is! Do they walk around like this?

Carroll

Here! You’re spoiling the game. I must keep them all in their right squares.

Here! You're ruining the game. I have to keep everything in its proper spots.

Alice

I want to be a queen!

Carroll

Here you are [he points to a small white pawn] here you are in your little stiff skirt!

Alice

How do you do, Alice!

How's it going, Alice!

Carroll

And now you are going to move here.

And now you’re going to move here.

[Pg 3]
Alice

Let me move myself.

Let me get moving.

Carroll

When you have traveled all along the board this way and haven’t been taken by the enemy you may be a queen.

When you've moved all the way along the board like this and haven't been captured by the opponent, you can become a queen.

Alice

Why do people always play with kings and queens? Mother has them in her playing cards too. Look!

Why do people always play with kings and queens? Mom has them in her playing cards too. Look!

[Alice goes to the mantel and takes a pack of playing cards from the ledge.]

[Alice walks over to the mantel and grabs a pack of playing cards from the ledge.]

Here’s the King of Hearts and here’s his wife; she’s the Queen of Hearts—isn’t she cross-looking? wants to bite one’s head off.

Here’s the King of Hearts and here’s his wife; she’s the Queen of Hearts—isn’t she looking grumpy? She seems like she wants to bite someone’s head off.

[Carroll moves a pawn.]

Carroll moves a pawn.

You’re playing against yourself, aren’t you?

You're just competing with yourself, right?

Carroll

That’s one way of keeping in practice, Alice; I have friends in the university who want to beat me.

That’s one way to stay in shape, Alice; I have friends at the university who want to challenge me.

Alice

But if you play against yourself I should think you’d want to cheat!

But if you're playing against yourself, I guess you'd want to cheat!

Carroll

Does a nice little girl like you cheat when she plays against herself?

Does a sweet girl like you cheat when playing against herself?

[Pg 4]
Alice

Oh! I never do! I’d scold myself hard. I always pretend I’m two people too. It’s lots of fun, isn’t it? Sometimes when I’m all alone I walk up to the looking glass and talk to the other Alice. She’s so silly, that Alice; she can’t do anything by herself. She just mocks me all the time. When I laugh, she laughs, when I point my finger at her, she points her finger at me, and when I stick my tongue out at her she sticks her tongue out at me! Kitty has a twin too, haven’t you darling?

Oh! I never do! I’d really criticize myself. I always pretend I’m two people too. It’s so much fun, right? Sometimes when I’m completely alone, I walk up to the mirror and talk to the other Alice. She’s so silly, that Alice; she can’t do anything on her own. She just copies everything I do. When I laugh, she laughs, when I point my finger at her, she points hers at me, and when I stick my tongue out at her, she sticks her tongue out at me! Kitty has a twin too, don’t you sweetie?

[Alice goes to the mirror to show Kitty her twin.]

Carroll

I’ll have to write a book some day about Alice—Alice in wonderland, “Child of the pure unclouded brow and dreaming eyes of wonder!” or, Alice through the looking glass!

I’ll have to write a book someday about Alice—Alice in Wonderland, “Child with the clear, untroubled brow and eyes full of wonder!” or, Alice Through the Looking Glass!

Alice

Don’t you wish sometimes you could go into looking-glass house? See!

Don’t you sometimes wish you could step into a looking-glass house? Look!

[Alice stands on an armchair and looks into the mirror.]

There’s the room you can see through the glass; it’s just the same as our living-room here, only the things go the other way. I can see all of it—all but the bit just behind the fireplace. Oh! I do wish I could see that bit! I want so much to know if they’ve a fire there. You never can tell, you know, unless our fire smokes. Then smoke comes up in that room too—but that may be just to make it look as if they had a fire—just to pretend they had. The books are something like our books,[Pg 5] only the words go the wrong way. Won’t there ever be any way of our getting through, uncle?

There’s a room you can see through the glass; it’s just like our living room here, only the stuff is flipped. I can see everything—all except the spot just behind the fireplace. Oh! I really wish I could see that spot! I want so much to know if they have a fire there. You never really can tell unless our fire starts to smoke. Then smoke shows up in that room too—but that could just be to make it look like they have a fire—just to pretend they do. The books are similar to our books, [Pg 5] only the words go in the opposite direction. Won’t there ever be a way for us to get through, uncle?

Carroll

Do you think Kitty would find looking-glass milk digestible?

Do you think Kitty would find looking-glass milk easy to digest?

Alice

It doesn’t sound awful good, does it; but I might leave her at home. She’s been into an awful lot of mischief today. She found sister’s knitting and chased the ball all over the garden where sister was playing croquet with the neighbors. And I ran and ran after the naughty little thing until I was all out of breath and so tired! I am tired.

It doesn’t sound great, does it? But I might just leave her at home. She's been really mischief-prone today. She found my sister’s knitting and chased the ball all over the garden while my sister was playing croquet with the neighbors. I ran after that naughty little thing until I was completely out of breath and so tired! I am tired.

[She yawns and makes herself comfortable in the armchair.]

[i]She yawns and gets cozy in the armchair.[/i]

Carroll

[Replaces the playing cards on the mantel and consults his watch.]

[Replaces the playing cards on the mantel and checks his watch.]

Take a nap. Yes, you have time before tea.

Alice

[Half asleep.]

Half-awake.

We’re going to have mock turtle soup for supper! I heard mamma tell the cook not to pepper it too much.

We’re having mock turtle soup for dinner! I heard mom tell the cook not to add too much pepper.

Carroll

What a funny little rabbit it is, nibbling all the time!

What a cute little rabbit it is, always nibbling away!

[He leans gently over the back of her chair, and seeing[Pg 6] that she is going to sleep puts out the lamp light and leaves the room. A red glow from the fireplace illumines Alice.]

[He leans softly over the back of her chair, and seeing[Pg 6] that she's about to fall asleep, he turns off the lamp and steps out of the room. A warm glow from the fireplace lights up Alice.]

[Dream music. A bluish light reveals the Red Chess Queen and the White Chess Queen in the mirror.]

Red Queen

[Points to Alice and says in a mysterious voice.]

[Points to Alice and speaks in a mysterious tone.]

There she is, let’s call her over.

There she is, let’s invite her over.

White Queen

Do you think she’ll come?

Do you think she'll show up?

Red Queen

I’ll call softly, Alice!

White Queen

Hist, Alice.

Hey, Alice.

Red Queen

Alice!

White Queen

Hush—if she wakes and catches us—

Hush—if she wakes up and sees us—

Both Queens

Alice, come through into looking-glass house!

Alice, come into the looking-glass house!

[Their hands beckon her.]

Their hands wave her over.

[Pg 7]
Alice

[Rises, and talks sleepily. The Queens disappear. Alice climbs from the arm of the chair to the back of another and so on up to the mantel ledge, where she picks her way daintily between the vases.]

[She gets up and speaks sleepily. The Queens vanish. Alice climbs from the arm of the chair to the back of another, and continues up to the mantel ledge, where she carefully makes her way between the vases.]

I—don’t—know—how—I—can—get—through. I’ve tried—before—but the glass was hard—and I was afraid of cutting—my fingers—

I don't know how I can get through. I've tried before, but the glass was tough, and I was scared of cutting my fingers.

[She feels the glass and is amazed to find it like gauze.]

She touches the glass and is surprised to find it soft like gauze.

Why, it’s soft like gauze; it’s turning into a sort of mist; why, it’s easy to get through! Why—why—I’m going through!

Why, it’s soft like gauze; it’s becoming a kind of mist; why, it’s easy to get through! Why—why—I’m going through!

[She disappears.]

She vanishes.

SCENE TWO

[Is Scene One, reversed. The portieres are black and red squares like a chessboard. A soft radiance follows the characters mysteriously. As the curtain rises Alice comes through the looking glass; steps down, looks about in wonderment and goes to see if there is a “fire.” The Red Queen rises out of the grate and faces her haughtily.]

[Scene One, reversed. The curtains are black and red squares like a chessboard. A soft glow mysteriously follows the characters. As the curtain rises Alice comes through the looking glass; steps down, looks around in awe, and goes to check if there’s a “fire.” The Red Queen emerges from the grate and confronts her arrogantly.]

Alice

Why, you’re the Red Queen!

You're the Red Queen!

Red Queen

Of course I am! Where do you come from? And where are you going? Look up, speak nicely, and don’t twiddle your fingers!

Of course I am! Where are you from? And where are you headed? Look up, talk properly, and stop fidgeting!

[Pg 8]
Alice

I only wanted to see what the looking glass was like. Perhaps I’ve lost my way.

I just wanted to see what the mirror looked like. Maybe I've lost my direction.

Red Queen

I don’t know what you mean by your way; all the ways about here belong to me. Curtsey while you’re thinking what to say. It saves time.

I don’t know what you mean by your way; all the ways around here belong to me. Curtsy while you’re thinking about what to say. It saves time.

Alice

I’ll try it when I go home; the next time I’m a little late for dinner.

I’ll give it a shot when I get home; the next time I’m a bit late for dinner.

Red Queen

It’s time for you to answer now; open your mouth a little wider when you speak, and always say, “Your Majesty.” I suppose you don’t want to lose your name?

It’s time for you to answer now; open your mouth a little wider when you talk, and always say, “Your Majesty.” I guess you don’t want to lose your name?

Alice

No, indeed.

No way.

Red Queen

And yet I don’t know, only think how convenient it would be if you could manage to go home without it! For instance, if the governess wanted to call you to your lessons, she would call out “come here,” and there she would have to leave off, because there wouldn’t be any name for her to call, and of course you wouldn’t have to go, you know.

And yet I don’t know, just imagine how convenient it would be if you could manage to go home without it! For example, if the governess wanted to call you to your lessons, she would shout “come here,” and that’s where she’d have to stop, because there wouldn’t be any name for her to use, and of course you wouldn’t have to go, you know.

[Pg 9]
Alice

That would never do, I’m sure; the governess would never think of excusing me from lessons for that. If she couldn’t remember my name, she’d call me “Miss,” as the servants do.

That wouldn’t be acceptable, I’m sure; the governess would never consider letting me skip lessons for that. If she couldn’t remember my name, she’d just call me “Miss,” like the servants do.

Red Queen

Well, if she said “Miss,” and didn’t say anything more, of course you’d miss your lessons. I dare say you can’t even read this book.

Well, if she said “Miss” and didn’t say anything else, of course you’d miss your lessons. I bet you can’t even read this book.

Alice

It’s all in some language I don’t know. Why, it’s a looking-glass book, of course! And if I hold it up to a glass, the words will all go the right way again.

It’s all in a language I don’t understand. Of course, it’s a mirror book! If I hold it up to a mirror, the words will all be facing the right way again.

Jabberwocky
’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Jabberwocky
It was bright and early, and the slimy toves
We were spinning and digging in the grass;
All confused were the borogoves,
And the silly raths were loud.

It seems very pretty, but it’s rather hard to understand; somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas—only I don’t exactly know what they are.

It looks really nice, but it’s kind of hard to get; somehow it fills my mind with thoughts—only I’m not exactly sure what they are.

Red Queen

I daresay you don’t know your geography either. Look at the map!

I bet you don’t know your geography either. Look at the map!

[Pg 10][She takes a right angle course to the portieres and points to them with her sceptre.]

[Pg 10][She makes a sharp turn towards the curtains and gestures to them with her scepter.]

Alice

It’s marked out just like a big chessboard. I wouldn’t mind being a pawn, though of course I should like to be a Red Queen best.

It’s laid out just like a giant chessboard. I wouldn’t mind being a pawn, but of course, I’d prefer to be a Red Queen the most.

Red Queen

That’s easily managed. When you get to the eighth square you’ll be a Queen. It’s a huge game of chess that’s being played—all over the world. Come on, we’ve got to run. Faster, don’t try to talk.

That’s easy to handle. When you reach the eighth square, you’ll be a Queen. It’s a massive game of chess being played everywhere in the world. Come on, we need to hurry. Faster, don’t try to talk.

Alice

I can’t.

I can't.

Red Queen

Faster, faster.

Faster, faster!

Alice

Are we nearly there?

Are we almost there?

Red Queen

Nearly there! Why, we passed it ten minutes ago. Faster. You may rest a little now.

Nearly there! We passed it ten minutes ago. Hurry up. You can rest a little now.

[Pg 11]
Alice

Why, I do believe we’re in the same place. Everything’s just as it was.

Why, I think we're in the same spot. Everything's just like it was.

Red Queen

Of course it is, what would you have it?

Of course it is, what do you expect?

[Pg 12]
Alice

Well, in our country you’d generally get to somewhere else—if you ran very fast for a long time as we’ve been doing.

Well, in our country, you'd usually get to another place—if you ran really fast for a long time like we’ve been doing.

Red Queen

A slow sort of country. Now here you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that.

A slow kind of place. Now here you see, it takes all the speed you can muster just to stay where you are. If you want to go somewhere else, you need to run at least twice as fast as that.

Alice

I’d rather not try, please! I’m quite content to stay here—only I am so hot and thirsty.

I’d rather not try, please! I’m really happy to stay here—it's just that I am so hot and thirsty.

Red Queen

I know what you’d like.

I know what you want.

[She takes a little box out of her pocket.]

She takes a small box out of her pocket.

Have a biscuit?

Want a cookie?

[Alice, not liking to refuse, curtseys as she takes the biscuit and chokes.]

[Alice, not wanting to say no, curtsies as she takes the cookie and chokes.]

Red Queen

While you’re refreshing yourself, I’ll just take the measurements.

While you're freshening up, I'll just take the measurements.

[She takes a ribbon out of her pocket and measures the map with it.]

[i]She pulls a ribbon out of her pocket and uses it to measure the map.[/i]

At the end of two yards I shall give you your directions—have another biscuit?

At the end of two yards, I'll give you your directions—want another biscuit?

[Pg 13]
Alice

No thank you, one’s quite enough.

No thanks, one is enough.

Red Queen

Thirst quenched, I hope? At the end of three yards I shall repeat them—for fear of your forgetting them. At the end of four, I shall say good-bye. And at the end of five, I shall go! That Square belongs to Humpty Dumpty and that Square to the Gryphon and Mock Turtle and that Square to the Queen of Hearts. But you make no remark?

Thirst quenched, I hope? After three yards, I'll repeat them—just in case you forget. After four, I'll say goodbye. And after five, I'll leave! That Square belongs to Humpty Dumpty, that Square to the Gryphon and Mock Turtle, and that Square to the Queen of Hearts. But you have nothing to say?

Alice

I—I didn’t know I had to make one—just then.

I—I didn’t realize I had to make one—right at that moment.

Red Queen

You should have said, “It’s extremely kind of you to tell me all this,” however, we’ll suppose it said. Four! Good-bye! Five!

You should have said, “It’s really nice of you to tell me all this,” however, let’s suppose it was said. Four! Good-bye! Five!

[Red Queen vanishes in a gust of wind behind the portieres. Rabbit music. White Rabbit comes out of the fireplace and walks about the room hurriedly. He wears a checked coat, carries white kid gloves in one hand, a fan in the other and takes out his watch to look at it anxiously.]

[Red Queen disappears in a rush of wind behind the curtains. Rabbit music. White Rabbit emerges from the fireplace and rushes around the room. He’s wearing a checkered coat, holding white gloves in one hand and a fan in the other, and he checks his watch anxiously.]

White Rabbit

Oh the Duchess! the Duchess! Oh! won’t she be savage if I’ve kept her waiting!

Oh, the Duchess! The Duchess! Oh! She’s going to be furious if I’ve made her wait!

[Pg 14]
Alice

I’ve never seen a rabbit with a waistcoat and a watch! And a waistcoat pocket! If you please, sir—

I’ve never seen a rabbit wearing a waistcoat and a watch! And with a waistcoat pocket! If you please, sir—

White Rabbit

Oh!

[He drops fan and gloves in fright and dashes out by way of the portieres in a gust of wind. Alice picks up the fan and playfully puts on the gloves. The portieres flap in the breeze and a shawl flies in.]

[He drops the fan and gloves in fear and rushes out through the drapes in a gust of wind. Alice picks up the fan and playfully puts on the gloves. The drapes flutter in the breeze and a shawl blows in.]

Alice

[Catches the shawl and looks about for the owner; then meets the White Queen.]

[Takes the shawl and searches for its owner; then encounters the White Queen.]

I’m very glad I happened to be in the way.

I’m really glad I was there.

White Queen

[Runs in wildly, both arms stretched out wide as if she were flying, and cries in a helpless frightened way.]

She runs in wildly, with both arms stretched out wide like she's flying, and cries out in a helpless, frightened way.

Bread-and-butter, bread-and-butter.

Bread and butter.

Alice

Am I addressing the White Queen?

Am I speaking to the White Queen?

White Queen

Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing. It isn’t my notion of the thing, at all.

Well, yeah, if you call that getting dressed. That’s not at all how I see it.

[Pg 15]
Alice

If your Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I’ll do it as well as I can.

If Your Majesty could just tell me the best way to start, I'll do it to the best of my ability.

White Queen

But I don’t want it done at all. I’ve been a-dressing myself for the last two hours.

But I don’t want it done at all. I’ve been getting dressed for the last two hours.

Alice

Every single thing’s crooked, and you’re all over pins; may I put your shawl straight for you?

Everything's a mess, and you're a bundle of nerves; can I straighten your shawl for you?

White Queen

I don’t know what’s the matter with it! It’s out of temper. I’ve pinned it here, and I’ve pinned it there, but there’s no pleasing it.

I don’t know what’s wrong with it! It’s in a bad mood. I’ve pinned it here and there, but nothing makes it happy.

Alice

It can’t go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one side, and dear me, what a state your hair is in!

It can't go straight, you know, if you only focus on one side, and wow, what a mess your hair is!

White Queen

The brush has got entangled in it! And I lost the comb yesterday.

The brush got stuck in it! And I lost the comb yesterday.

Alice

[Takes out the brush and arranges the Queen’s hair.]

[Takes out the brush and styles the Queen's hair.]

You look better now! But really you should have a lady’s maid!

You look great now! But honestly, you should have a maid!

[Pg 16]
White Queen

I’m sure I’ll take you with pleasure. Two pence a week and jam every other day.

I’d be happy to take you along. Two pence a week and jam every other day.

Alice

[Who cannot help laughing.]

Who can resist laughing?

I don’t want you to hire me—and I don’t care for jam.

I don't want you to hire me, and I'm not a fan of jam.

White Queen

It’s very good jam.

It’s really good jam.

Alice

Well, I don’t want any today, at any rate.

Well, I don’t want any today, anyway.

White Queen

You couldn’t have it if you did want it. The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday—but never jam today.

You couldn’t have it even if you did want it. The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday—but never jam today.

Alice

It must come sometimes to “jam today.”

It has to happen sometimes to “jam today.”

White Queen

No, it can’t, it’s jam every other day; today isn’t any other day, you know.

No, it can’t; it’s jam every other day. Today isn’t any other day, you know.

Alice

I don’t understand you, it’s dreadfully confusing!

I don’t get you; it’s really confusing!

[Pg 17]
White Queen

That’s the effect of living backwards, it always makes one a little giddy at first—

That’s what it’s like to live backwards; it always makes you feel a bit dizzy at first—

Alice

Living backwards! I never heard of such a thing!

Living backwards! I've never heard of anything like that!

White Queen

But there’s one great advantage in it—that one’s memory works both ways.

But there's one big advantage to it—your memory works in both directions.

Alice

I’m sure mine only works one way. I can’t remember things before they happen.

White Queen

It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.

It's a sad kind of memory that only looks to the past.

Alice

What sort of things do you remember best?

What kind of things do you remember the most?

White Queen

Oh, things that happened the week after next. For instance now:

Oh, things that happened the week after next. For example:

[She sticks a large piece of plaster on her finger.]

She puts a big bandage on her finger.

There’s the King’s messenger—he’s in prison being punished; and the trial doesn’t even begin till next Wednesday; and of course the crime comes last of all.

There’s the King’s messenger—he’s in prison serving his punishment; and the trial doesn’t even start until next Wednesday; and of course the crime will be addressed last.

[Pg 18]
Alice

Suppose he never commits the crime?

White Queen

[Binding the plaster with ribbon.]

Binding the plaster with tape.

That would be all the better, wouldn’t it?

That would be even better, right?

Alice

Of course it would be all the better, but it wouldn’t be all the better his being punished.

Of course, it would be even better, but it wouldn’t be better at all if he were punished.

White Queen

You’re wrong there, at any rate; were you ever punished?

You’re mistaken there, anyway; have you ever been punished?

Alice

Only for faults.

Only for defects.

White Queen

And you were all the better for it, I know!

And I know you were all the better for it!

Alice

Yes, but then I had done the things I was punished for; that makes all the difference.

White Queen

But if you hadn’t done them that would have been better still; better and better and better!

But if you hadn't done them, that would have been even better; better and better and better!

[Pg 19]
Alice

There’s a mistake somewhere—

White Queen

[Screams like an engine whistle, and shakes her hand.]

Screams like a train whistle and shakes her hand.

Oh, Oh, Oh! My finger’s bleeding. Oh, Oh, Oh!

Oh, oh, oh! My finger is bleeding. Oh, oh, oh!

Alice

What is the matter? Have you pricked your finger?

What is the matter? Did you hurt your finger?

White Queen

I haven’t pricked it yet—but I soon shall—Oh, Oh, Oh!

I haven't poked it yet—but I will soon—Oh, oh, oh!

Alice

When do you expect to do it?

When do you plan to do it?

White Queen

When I fasten my shawl again; the brooch will come undone directly. Oh, Oh!

When I fasten my shawl again, the brooch will come loose right away. Oh, oh!

[Brooch flies open and she clutches it wildly.]

[i]Brooch opens up and she grabs it frantically.[/i]

Alice

Take care! you’re holding it all crooked!

Take care! You’re holding it all wrong!

White Queen

[Pricks her finger and smiles.]

That accounts for the bleeding, you see; now you understand the way things happen here.

That explains the bleeding, you see; now you get how things work around here.

[Pg 20]
Alice

But why don’t you scream now?

White Queen

Why, I’ve done all the screaming already. What would be the good of having it all over again? Oh! it’s time to run if you want to stay in the same place! Come on!

Why, I've already done all the screaming. What would be the point of going through it all again? Oh! It's time to run if you want to stay in the same place! Come on!

[Pg 21]
Alice

No, no! Not so fast! I’m getting dizzy!!

White Queen

Faster, faster!

Alice

Everything’s black before my eyes!

Everything's dark before my eyes!

[There is music, and the sound of rushing wind, and in the darkness the White Queen cries: “Faster, faster”; Alice gasps: “I can’t—please stop”; and the Queen replies: “Then you can’t stay in the same place. I’ll have to drop you behind. Faster—faster, good-bye.”]

[There’s music and the sound of rushing wind, and in the darkness the White Queen shouts: “Faster, faster!”; Alice pants: “I can’t—please stop!”; and the Queen responds: “Then you can’t stay in the same place. I’ll have to leave you behind. Faster—faster, goodbye.”]

SCENE THREE

When the curtain rises one sees nothing but odd black lanterns with orange lights, hanging, presumably, from the sky. The scene lights up slowly revealing Alice seated on two large cushions. She has been “dropped behind” by the White Queen and is dazed to find herself in a strange hall with many peculiar doors and knobs too high to reach.

When the curtain goes up, you see nothing but weird black lanterns with orange lights hanging, probably, from the sky. The scene gradually brightens to reveal Alice sitting on two large cushions. She has been “dropped behind” by the White Queen and is confused to find herself in a strange hall with many odd doors and knobs that are too high to reach.

Alice

Oh! my head! Where am I? Oh dear, Oh dear!

Oh! My head! Where am I? Oh no, oh no!

[She staggers up and to her amazement finds herself smaller than the table.]

She gets up unsteadily and is amazed to find that she is smaller than the table.

[Pg 22] I’ve never been smaller than any table before! I’ve always been able to reach the knobs! What a curious feeling. Oh! I’m shrinking. It’s the fan—the gloves!

[Pg 22] I've never been smaller than any table before! I've always been able to reach the knobs! What a strange feeling. Oh! I'm getting smaller. It's the fan—the gloves!

[She throws them away, feels her head and measures herself against table and doors.]

She tosses them aside, touches her head, and checks her height against the table and doors.

Oh! saved in time! But I never—never—

Oh! saved just in time! But I never—never—

White Rabbit

Oh! my fan and gloves! Where are my—

Oh! My fan and gloves! Where are my—

Alice

Oh! Mr. Rabbit—please help me out—I want to go home—I want to go home—

Oh! Mr. Rabbit—please help me—I want to go home—I want to go home—

White Rabbit

Oh! the Duchess! Oh! my fur and whiskers! She’ll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Oh! you have them!

Oh! The Duchess! Oh! My fur and whiskers! She's going to get me executed, just like ferrets are ferrets! Oh! You have them!

Alice

I’m sorry—you dropped them, you know—

White Rabbit

[Picks up fan and gloves and patters off.]

[Picks up the fan and gloves and walks away.]

She’ll chop off your head!

She'll cut off your head!

Alice

If you please sir—where am I?—won’t you please—tell me how to get out—I want to get out—

If you don't mind, sir—where am I?—could you please—tell me how to get out—I want to get out—

[Pg 23]
White Rabbit

[Looking at his watch.]

[Checking his watch.]

Oh! my ears and whiskers, how late it’s getting.

Oh! My ears and whiskers, it’s getting really late.

[A trap door gives way and Rabbit disappears. Alice dashes after only in time to have the trap door bang in her face.]

[A trap door opens, and Bunny vanishes. Alice rushes after him, but just as she reaches it, the trap door slams shut in her face.]

Alice

[Amazed.]

[Wow.]

It’s a rabbit-hole—I’m small enough to fit it too! If I shrink any more it might end in my going out altogether like a candle. I wonder what I would be like then! What does the flame of a candle look like after the candle is blown out? I’ve never seen such a thing!

It’s a rabbit hole—I’m small enough to fit through it too! If I shrink any more, I might disappear completely like a candle. I wonder what I would be like then! What does a candle's flame look like after the candle is blown out? I’ve never seen that!

Humpty Dumpty

[Sits on the wall.]

Sitting on the wall.

Don’t stand chattering to yourself like that, but tell me your name and your business.

Don’t just stand there talking to yourself like that; tell me your name and what you need.

Alice

My name is Alice, but—

My name is Alice, but—

Humpty Dumpty

It’s a stupid name enough, what does it mean?

It’s a silly name; what does it even mean?

Alice

Must a name mean something?

Does a name have to mean something?

[Pg 24]
Humpty Dumpty

Of course it must; my name means the shape I am—and a good, handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.

Of course it must; my name means the shape I am—and it’s a great, attractive shape as well. With a name like yours, you could be just about any shape.

Alice

You’re Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg.

Humpty Dumpty

It’s very provoking, to be called an egg—very.

It’s really provoking to be called an egg—really.

Alice

I said you looked like an egg, Sir, and some eggs are very pretty, you know.

I said you looked like an egg, Sir, and some eggs are really beautiful, you know.

Humpty Dumpty

Some people have no more sense than a baby.

Some people are just as clueless as a baby.

Alice

Why do you sit here all alone?

Why are you sitting here all by yourself?

Humpty Dumpty

Why, because there’s nobody with me. Did you think I didn’t know the answer to that? Ask another.

Why? Because there's no one here with me. Did you think I didn’t know the answer to that? Ask something else.

Alice

Don’t you think you’d be safer down on the ground? That wall’s so very narrow.

Don’t you think it’d be safer down on the ground? That wall is really narrow.

[Pg 25]
Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty

What tremendously easy riddles you ask! Of course I don’t think so. Take a good look at me! I’m one that has spoken to a king, I am; to show you I’m not proud, you may shake hands with me!

What incredibly easy riddles you're asking! But I don’t see it that way. Just take a good look at me! I'm someone who has spoken to a king, I am; and to show you I'm not proud, you can shake my hand!

[He leans forward to offer Alice his hand but she is too small to reach it.]

[He leans forward to offer Alice his hand, but she's too small to reach it.]

However, this conversation is going on a little too fast; let’s go back to the last remark but one.

However, this conversation is moving a bit too quickly; let's go back to the second to last comment.

Alice

I’m afraid I can’t remember it.

I’m sorry, I can’t remember it.

Humpty Dumpty

In that case we start fresh, and it’s my turn to choose a subject.

In that case, we start over, and now it's my turn to pick a topic.

Alice

You talk about it just as if it were a game.

You talk about it like it's just a game.

Humpty Dumpty

So here’s a question for you. How old did you say you were?

So here’s a question for you. How old did you say you are?

Alice

Seven years and six months.

7 years and 6 months.

Humpty Dumpty

Wrong! You never said a word about it. Now if you’d asked my advice, I’d have said, “Leave off at seven—but—”

Wrong! You never said anything about it. If you had asked for my advice, I would have said, “Stop at seven—but—”

[Pg 26]
Alice

I never ask advice about growing.

I never ask for advice about growing.

Humpty Dumpty

Too proud?

Too arrogant?

Alice

What a beautiful belt you’ve got on. At least, a beautiful cravat, I should have said—no, a belt, I mean—I beg your pardon. If only I knew which was neck and which was waist.

What a beautiful belt you're wearing. I should have said a beautiful cravat—no, I mean a belt—I apologize. If only I knew which was for the neck and which was for the waist.

Humpty Dumpty

It is a—most—provoking—thing, when a person doesn’t know a cravat from a belt.

It’s a—really—provoking—thing when someone can’t tell a tie from a belt.

Alice

I know it’s very ignorant of me.

I know it’s pretty ignorant of me.

Humpty Dumpty

It’s a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. There’s glory for you.

It’s a cravat, kid, and it’s a beautiful one, just like you said. There’s some glory for you.

Alice

I don’t know what you mean by “glory.”

I’m not sure what you mean by “glory.”

Humpty Dumpty

When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less.

When I use a word, it means exactly what I want it to mean—no more and no less.

[Pg 27]
Alice

The question is, whether you can make words mean different things.

Humpty Dumpty

The question is, which is to be master—that’s all. Impenetrability! That’s what I say!

The question is, who will be in charge—that’s it. Unfathomable! That’s how I see it!

Alice

Would you tell me, please, what that means?

Would you please tell me what that means?

Humpty Dumpty

I meant by “impenetrability” that we’ve had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you’d mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don’t mean to stop here all the rest of your life.

I meant by “impenetrability” that we’ve covered that topic enough, and it would be great if you could share what you plan to do next, since I assume you don’t intend to stay here for the rest of your life.

Alice

That’s a great deal to make one word mean.

That’s a lot for one word to mean.

Humpty Dumpty

When I make a word do a lot of work like that I always pay it extra.

When I make a word do a lot of work like that, I always give it extra credit.

Alice

Oh!

[Pg 28]
Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty

Ah, you should see ’em come round me of a Saturday night, for to get their wages, you know. That’s all—Good-bye.

Ah, you should see them come around me on a Saturday night to collect their pay, you know. That’s all—Goodbye.

Alice

Good-bye till we meet again.

See you later.

Humpty Dumpty

I shouldn’t know you again, if we did meet, you’re so exactly like other people.

I shouldn't recognize you again; if we did meet, you’re just like everyone else.

Alice

The face is what one goes by, generally.

The face is usually what people rely on.

Humpty Dumpty

That’s just what I complain of. Your face is the same as everybody has—the two eyes—so—nose in the middle, mouth under. It’s always the same. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose, for instance—or the mouth at the top—that would be some help.

That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Your face looks just like everyone else's—with two eyes, a nose in the middle, and a mouth below. It’s always the same. Now if you had both eyes on the same side of your nose, for example—or the mouth at the top—that would be something different.

Alice

It wouldn’t look nice.

It wouldn't look good.

Humpty Dumpty

Wait till you’ve tried! Good-bye.

Wait until you’ve tried! Bye.

[He disappears as he came.]

He vanishes just as he arrived.

[Pg 29]
Alice

Oh! I forgot to ask him how to—

[She tries to open the doors. They are all locked; she begins to weep. She walks weeping to a high glass table and sits down on its lower ledge. She sits on a big golden key and picks it up in surprise. She tries it on all the doors but it does not fit. She weeps and weeps—and Wonderland grows dark to her in her despair. In the darkness she cries, “Oh! I’m slipping! Oh, Oh! it’s a lake; Oh! my tears! I’m floating!” A mysterious light shows a “Drink me” sign around a bottle on the top of the table. Alice floats up to it panting, and holding on to the edge of the table takes up the bottle.]

She tries to open the doors. They're all locked; she starts to cry. She walks over to a tall glass table, still crying, and sits on its lower edge. She accidentally sits on a large golden key and picks it up in surprise. She tries it on all the doors, but it doesn't fit. She cries and cries—and Wonderland becomes dark for her in her despair. In the darkness, she shouts, “Oh! I’m slipping! Oh, no! it’s a lake; Oh! my tears! I’m floating!” A mysterious light reveals a “Drink me” sign next to a bottle on top of the table. Alice floats up to it, panting, and as she holds onto the edge of the table, she picks up the bottle.

Alice

It isn’t marked poison.

It isn't labeled poison.

[She sips at it.]

She takes a sip.

This is good! Tastes like cherry tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffy and hot buttered toast—all together. Oh! Oh! I’m letting out like a telescope.

This is great! It tastes like cherry pie, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast—all mixed together. Oh! Oh! I feel like I'm expanding like a telescope.

[A mysterious light shows her lengthening out.]

A mysterious light reveals her stretching out.

[Music.]

But the lake is rising too. Oh! Oh! it’s deep! I’m drowning. Help, help, I’m drowning, I’m drowning in my tears!

Gryphon

Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh!

[The Gryphon, a huge green creature with big glittering wings, appears where Humpty Dumpty had been and reaches glittering claws over to grab and save Alice.]

[The Gryphon, a massive green creature with large shimmering wings, shows up where Humpty Dumpty was and reaches its sparkling claws to grab and rescue Alice]

[Pg 30]

SCENE FOUR

Is symbolic of a wet and rocky shore in a weird green light. The Mock Turtle is weeping dismally.

Represents a wet and rocky shore in a strange green light. The Mock Turtle is crying sadly.

Gryphon

Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh.

Mock Turtle

[Answers with his weeping.]

[Responds with his crying.]

Gryphon

[Drags Alice in.]

[Pulls Alice in.]

Drop your tears into the sea with his.

Drop your tears into the sea along with his.

Alice

He sobs as if he had a bone in his throat. He sighs as if his heart would break. What is his sorrow?

He cries like there's something stuck in his throat. He sighs like his heart is about to shatter. What's causing his sadness?

Mock Turtle

Oh, Gryphon, it’s terrible!

Oh, Gryphon, that’s awful!

Gryphon

It’s all his fancy that. Mock Turtle hasn’t got no sorrow. This here young lady, she wants for to know your history, she do.

It’s all just his imagination. The Mock Turtle doesn’t have any sorrow. This young lady here wants to know your story, she does.

[Pg 31]
Mock Turtle

Mock Turtle

I’ll tell it her. Sit down both of you, and don’t speak a word till I’ve finished.

I’ll tell her. Both of you sit down, and don’t say a word until I’m done.

Alice

I don’t see how you can ever finish, if you don’t begin.

I don’t see how you can ever finish if you don’t start.

Mock Turtle

Once, I was a real Turtle.

Once, I was really a Turtle.

[A long silence is broken only by the exclamations, “Hjckrrh,” of the Gryphon and the heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle.]

[A long silence is interrupted only by the exclamations, “Hjckrrh,” from the Gryphon and the deep sobbing of the Mock Turtle.]

Mock Turtle

When we were little, we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle—we used to call him tortoise—

When we were kids, we went to school in the sea. The teacher was an old Turtle—we used to call him tortoise—

Alice

Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn’t one?

Why did you call him Tortoise if he wasn't one?

Mock Turtle

We called him Tortoise because he taught us; really you are very dull.

We called him Tortoise because he taught us; honestly, you’re pretty dull.

Gryphon

You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question. Drive on, old fellow! Don’t be all day about it!

You should be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question. Keep going, my friend! Don't take all day about it!

[Pg 32]
Mock Turtle

Mock Turtle

Yes, we went to school in the sea, tho’ you mayn’t believe it—

Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you might not believe it—

Alice

I never said I didn’t.

I never said I did.

Mock Turtle

You did.

Gryphon

Hold your tongue!

Stay quiet!

Mock Turtle

We had the best of educations—in fact, we went to school every day.

We got a great education—in fact, we went to school every day.

Alice

I’ve been to a day school too; you needn’t be so proud as all that.

I’ve been to a day school too; you don’t have to be so proud about it.

Mock Turtle

With extras?

With additional items?

Alice

Yes, we learned French and music.

Mock Turtle

And washing?

And cleaning?

[Pg 33]
Alice

Certainly not!

Definitely not!

Mock Turtle

Ah! Then yours wasn’t a really good school. Now at ours they had at the end of the bill, French, music, and washing—extra.

Ah! Then yours wasn’t a very good school. Now at ours, they included French, music, and laundry—for an extra fee.

[Pg 34]
Alice

You couldn’t have wanted it much; living at the bottom of the sea.

You couldn’t have wanted it much; living at the bottom of the ocean.

Mock Turtle

I couldn’t afford to learn it, I only took the regular course.

I couldn’t afford to learn it, so I just took the regular course.

Alice

What was that?

What was that about?

Mock Turtle

Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different branches of Arithmetic—Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.

Reeling and writhing, of course, to start with, and then the different branches of Arithmetic—Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.

Alice

I never heard of Uglification. What is it?

I’ve never heard of Uglification. What is it?

Gryphon

Never heard of uglifying! You know what to beautify is, I suppose?

Never heard of uglifying! You know what it means to beautify, right?

Alice

Yes, it means—to—make—anything—prettier.

Yes, it means to make anything prettier.

Gryphon

Well then, if you don’t know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton.

Well, if you don’t know what it means to uglify, you are pretty clueless.

[Pg 35]
Alice

What else had you to learn?

What else did you need to learn?

Mock Turtle

Well, there was Mystery; Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography, then Drawling—the Drawling-master was an old conger eel, that used to come once a week; what he taught us was Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.

Well, there was Mystery; Mystery, both old and new, with Seaography, then Drawling—the Drawling-master was an old conger eel who came by once a week; what he taught us was Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.

Alice

What was that like?

What was that like?

Mock Turtle

Well, I can’t show it you, myself. I’m too stiff. And the Gryphon never learned it.

Well, I can’t show it to you myself. I’m too stiff. And the Gryphon never learned it.

Gryphon

Hadn’t time; I went to the Classical master, though. He was an old crab, he was.

Didn’t have time; I went to the Classical master, though. He was a grumpy old man, he was.

Mock Turtle

I never went to him; he taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.

I never went to him; they used to say he taught Laughter and Grief.

Gryphon

So he did, so he did.

[Pg 36]
Alice

And how many hours a day did you do lessons?

And how many hours a day did you have lessons?

Mock Turtle

Ten hours the first day, nine the next, and so on.

Alice

What a curious plan!

What an interesting plan!

Gryphon

That’s the reason they’re called lessons, because they lessen from day to day.

That’s why they’re called lessons, because they reduce bit by bit each day.

Alice

Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?

Mock Turtle

Of course it was.

Alice

And how did you manage on the twelfth?

And how did you do on the twelfth?

Gryphon

That’s enough about lessons, tell her something about the games now.

That’s enough about lessons; now tell her something about the games.

[Mock Turtle sighs deeply, draws back of one flapper across his eyes. He looks at Alice and tries to speak but sobs choke his voice.]

[Mock Turtle sighs deeply, wipes one flapper across his eyes. He looks at Alice and tries to speak, but his sobs choke his voice.]

[Pg 37]
Gryphon

[Punching him in the back.]

Punching him in the back.

Same as if he had a bone in his throat.

Same as if he had a bone stuck in his throat.

Mock Turtle

[With tears running down his cheeks.]

[With tears streaming down his face.]

You may not have lived much under the sea—

You may not have spent much time under the sea—

Alice

I haven’t.

I haven't.

Mock Turtle

And perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster.

And maybe you were never even introduced to a lobster.

Alice

I once tasted—no, never!

I once tried—no, never!

Mock Turtle

So you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is.

So you have no idea how delightful a Lobster Quadrille is.

Alice

No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it?

No, really. What kind of dance is this?

Gryphon

Why, you first form into a line along the seashore.

Why, you first line up along the shoreline.

[Pg 38]
Mock Turtle

Mock Turtle

Two lines; seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you’ve cleared all the jellyfish out of the way—

Two lines; seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you’ve gotten all the jellyfish out of the way—

Gryphon

That generally takes some time.

That usually takes some time.

Mock Turtle

You advance twice—

You move forward twice—

Gryphon

Each with a lobster as a partner.

Each with a lobster as their partner.

Mock Turtle

Of course, advance twice, set to partners.

Of course, move forward two spaces, and pair up with partners.

Gryphon

Change lobsters, and retire in same order.

Change lobsters, and retire in the same order.

Mock Turtle

Then you know, you throw the—

Gryphon

The lobsters!

Mock Turtle

As far out to sea as you can—

[Pg 39]
Gryphon

Gryphon

Swim after them!

Mock Turtle

Turn a somersault in the sea.

Turn a somersault in the ocean.

Gryphon

Change lobsters again!

Mock Turtle

Back to land again, and—that’s all the first figure.

Back on land again, and—that’s the end of the first figure.

Alice

It must be a very pretty dance.

It must be a really beautiful dance.

Mock Turtle

Would you like to see a little of it?

Would you like to take a look at it?

Alice

Very much indeed.

Absolutely.

Mock Turtle

Come, let’s try the first figure. We can do it without lobsters, you know; which shall sing?

Come on, let’s try the first figure. We can do it without lobsters, you know; which one will sing?

Gryphon

Oh, you sing, I’ve forgotten the words.

Oh, you sing, I forgot the words.

[Pg 40][Creatures solemnly dance round and round Alice, treading on her toes, waving fore-paws to mark time while Mock Turtle sings.]

[Pg 40][Creatures solemnly dance around Alice, stepping on her toes, waving their front paws to keep the beat while Mock Turtle sings.]

First Verse
“Will you walk a little faster!” said a whiting to a snail,
“There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle—will you come and join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?

Second Verse
“You can really have no notion how delightful it will be
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!”
But the snail replied, “Too far, too far!” and gave a look askance—
Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.

First Verse
“Could you walk a bit faster?” said a fish to a snail,
“There’s a porpoise right behind us, and he’s stepping on my tail.
Look how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles are moving ahead!
They’re waiting on the shore—will you come and join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?

Second Verse
“You really can’t imagine how amazing it will be
When they pick us up and toss us, with the lobsters, out to sea!”
But the snail replied, “Too far, too far!” and glanced away—
He thanked the fish politely but said he wouldn’t join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.

[Pg 41][The creatures dance against Alice, pushing her back and forth between them. She protests and finally escapes; they bump against each other.]

[Pg 41][The creatures dance around Alice, shoving her back and forth between them. She protests and eventually breaks free; they collide with each other.]

Alice

Thank you; it’s a very interesting dance to watch, and I do so like that curious song about the whiting.

Thank you; it's a really interesting dance to watch, and I really like that quirky song about the whiting.

Mock Turtle

Oh, as to the whiting, they—you’ve seen them, of course?

Oh, about the whiting, you’ve seen them, right?

Alice

Yes, I’ve often seen them at din—

Yes, I’ve often seen them at dinner—

[Checks herself hastily.]

Checks her appearance quickly.

Mock Turtle

I don’t know where Din may be, but if you’ve seen them so often, of course you know what they’re like.

I don’t know where Din might be, but if you’ve seen them that many times, you definitely know what they’re like.

Alice

I believe so, they have their tails in their mouths—and they’re all over crumbs.

I think so, they have their tails in their mouths—and they’re all over the crumbs.

Mock Turtle

You’re wrong about the crumbs, crumbs would all wash off in the sea. But they have their tails in their mouths; and the reason is—

You’re mistaken about the crumbs; they would all wash away in the sea. But they have their tails in their mouths; and the reason is—

[Pg 42][Mock Turtle yawns and shuts his eyes.]

[Pg 42][Mock Turtle yawns and closes his eyes.]

Tell her about the reason and all that.

Tell her what it's about and everything.

Gryphon

The reason is, that they would go with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails fast in their mouths. So they couldn’t get them out again. That’s all.

The reason is that they would go with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails stuck in their mouths. So they couldn’t get them out again. That’s all.

Alice

Thank you, it’s very interesting. I never knew so much about a whiting before.

Thank you, that’s really interesting. I never knew so much about a whiting before.

Gryphon

I can tell you more than that, if you like. Do you know why it’s called a whiting?

I can tell you more than that if you'd like. Do you know why it's called a whiting?

Alice

I never thought about it. Why?

Gryphon

It does the boots and shoes.

It handles the boots and shoes.

Alice

Does the boots and shoes!

Check out the boots and shoes!

Gryphon

Why, what are your shoes done with? I mean, what makes them so shiny?

Why, what are your shoes made of? I mean, what makes them so shiny?

[Pg 43]
Alice

They’re done with blacking, I believe.

They're finished with blacking, I think.

Gryphon

Boots and shoes under the sea, are done with whiting. Now you know.

Boots and shoes at the bottom of the ocean are covered in white powder. Now you know.

Alice

And what are they made of?

Gryphon

Soles and eels, of course; any shrimp could have told you that.

Soles and eels, obviously; any shrimp could have told you that.

Alice

If I’d been the whiting, I’d have said to the porpoise, “Keep back, please; we don’t want you with us.”

If I were the whiting, I would have told the porpoise, “Stay back, please; we don’t want you with us.”

Mock Turtle

They were obliged to have him with them, no wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.

They had to have him with them; no smart fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.

Alice

Wouldn’t it really?

Wouldn’t it though?

Mock Turtle

Of course not; why if a fish came to me and told me he was going a journey, I should say, “With what porpoise?”

Of course not; if a fish came to me and said he was going on a trip, I would ask, “What’s the point?”

[Pg 44]
Alice

Don’t you mean purpose?

Don't you mean aim?

Mock Turtle

I mean what I say.

I mean it.

Gryphon

Shall we try another figure of the Lobster Quadrille? Or would you like the Mock Turtle to sing you a song?

Shall we try another version of the Lobster Quadrille? Or would you like the Mock Turtle to sing you a song?

[Pg 45]
Alice

Oh, a song please, if the Mock Turtle would be so kind.

Oh, could we have a song, please, if the Mock Turtle would be so nice?

Gryphon

Um! No accounting for tastes! Sing her “Turtle Soup,” will you, old fellow?

Um! You can't explain tastes! Sing her “Turtle Soup,” will you, my friend?

Mock Turtle

[Sighs deeply and sometimes choked with sobs, sings.]

“Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties would not stoop?
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Beau—ootiful Soo—op,
Beau—ootiful Soo—oop,
Soo—oop of the e-e-evening,
Beautiful, beautiful Soup.”

“Beautiful Soup, so lush and green,
Waiting in a steaming bowl!
Who wouldn't lean down for such treats?
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Beau—tiful Soo—p,
Beau—tiful Soo—p,
Soo—p of the e-e-vening,
Beautiful, beautiful Soup.”

White Rabbit

[Enters, stretching out a red and white checked sash with which he separates Alice from the creatures.]

[Enters, extending a red and white checked sash with which he keeps Alice apart from the creatures.]

Check!

Mock Turtle

They won’t let her stay in our square.

They won't let her stay in our square.

[Pg 46]
White Rabbit

White Rabbit

The Queen is coming this way.

Gryphon

She’ll chop our heads off. Come on, come on, let’s fly!

She’s going to chop our heads off. Come on, let’s get out of here!

[The Mock Turtle and Gryphon grab Alice and fly into the air.]

CURTAIN

[The Curtain rises to reveal small silhouettes of the Gryphon, Mock Turtle, and Alice in an orange-colored moon far away in the sky. Down below the White Rabbit is shouting to them, “You’ll be safe in the March Hare’s garden.”]

[The curtain rises to show small figures of the Gryphon, Mock Turtle, and Alice against an orange moon far away in the sky. Below, the White Rabbit is yelling to them, “You’ll be safe in the March Hare’s garden.”]

CURTAIN

[Pg 47]

ACT II

SCENE

The March Hare’s garden, showing part of the Duchess’ house. On a small platform there is a tea table, set with many cups, continuing into wings to give impression of limitless length. The March Hare, Hatter, and Dormouse are crowded at one end. Alice sits on the ground where she has been dropped from the sky. Finding herself not bruised she rises and approaches the table.

The March Hare's garden, with part of the Duchess's house in view. On a small platform, there's a tea table set with numerous cups, extending into wings to create a sense of endless length. The March Hare, Hat maker, and Dormouse are crammed at one end. Alice sits on the ground where she fell from the sky. Realizing she isn’t hurt, she gets up and walks over to the table.

March Hare and Hatter

No room! No room!

No space! No space!

Alice

There’s plenty of room!

There’s a lot of space!

[She sits in a large armchair at one end of the table.]

[She sits in a big armchair at one end of the table.]

I don’t know who you are.

I don't know who you are.

March Hare

I am the March Hare, that’s the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse. Have some wine?

I’m the March Hare, that’s the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse. Want some wine?

Alice

I don’t see any wine.

[Pg 48]
March Hare

March Hare

There isn’t any.

There isn't any.

Alice

Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it.

Then it wasn't very polite of you to offer it.

March Hare

It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.

It wasn’t very polite of you to sit down without an invitation.

Alice

I didn’t know it was your table; it’s laid for a great many more than three.

I didn’t realize it was your table; it’s set for way more than three.

Hatter

Your hair wants cutting.

You need a haircut.

Alice

You should learn not to make personal remarks; it’s very rude.

You should learn not to make personal comments; it’s really rude.

Hatter

Why is a raven like a writing-desk?

Why is a raven similar to a writing desk?

Alice

Come, we shall have some fun now! I’m glad you’ve begun asking riddles—I believe I can guess that.

Come on, let’s have some fun! I’m glad you started asking riddles—I think I can figure this one out.

March Hare

So you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?

So you think you can figure out the answer to that?

Larger Image

Hatter: Your hair wants cutting.

Hatter: You need a haircut.

[Pg 49]Alice

Exactly so.

Exactly.

March Hare

Then you should say what you mean.

Then you should say what you really mean.

Alice

I do; at least—at least I mean what I say—that’s the same thing, you know.

I do; at least—I mean what I say—that's the same thing, you know.

Hatter

Not the same thing a bit! Why, you might just as well say that “I see what I eat” is the same thing as, “I eat what I see!”

Not the same thing at all! Why, you might as well say that “I see what I eat” is the same as “I eat what I see!”

March Hare

You might just as well say that “I like what I get,” is the same thing as “I get what I like.”

You could just as easily say that “I like what I get” is the same as “I get what I like.”

Dormouse

You might just as well say that “I breathe when I sleep” is the same thing as “I sleep when I breathe.”

You could just as easily say that “I breathe when I sleep” is the same as “I sleep when I breathe.”

Hatter

It is the same thing with you.

It's the same thing with you.

[Takes out his watch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it, holds it to his ear.]

[Takes out his watch, glances at it anxiously, shakes it, and holds it up to his ear.]

[Pg 50]What day of the month is it?

What’s the date today?

Alice

The fourth.

The fourth one.

Hatter

Two days wrong. I told you butter wouldn’t suit the works!

Two days wasted. I told you butter wouldn’t work!

March Hare

It was the best butter.

It was the best butter.

Hatter

Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well; you shouldn’t have put it in with the bread-knife—

Yes, but some crumbs must have gotten in too; you shouldn’t have mixed it with the bread knife—

March Hare

[Takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his cup of tea and looks at it again but doesn’t know what else to say.]

[i>Takes the watch, looks at it sadly, dips it into his cup of tea and looks at it again but doesn’t know what else to say.]

It was the best butter, you know.

It was the best butter, you know.

Alice

What a funny watch! It tells the day of the month, and doesn’t tell what o’clock it is.

What a quirky watch! It shows the day of the month but doesn't tell the time.

Hatter

Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?

[Pg 51]
Alice

Of course not, but that’s because it stays the same year for such a long time together.

Of course not, but that’s because it stays the same for such a long time.

Hatter

Which is just the case with mine.

Which is exactly the case with mine.

Alice

I don’t quite understand you. What you said had no sort of meaning in it and yet it was certainly English.

I don’t really understand you. What you said didn’t make any sense, but it was definitely in English.

Hatter

[Pouring some hot tea on the Dormouse’s nose.]

The Dormouse is asleep again.

The Dormouse is sleeping again.

Dormouse

Of course, of course, just what I was going to remark myself.

Of course, of course, that's exactly what I was going to say myself.

Hatter

Have you guessed the riddle yet?

Have you figured out the riddle yet?

Alice

No, I give it up, what’s the answer?

No, I give up, what’s the answer?

Hatter

I haven’t the slightest idea.

I have no idea.

[Pg 52]
March Hare

March Hare

Nor I.

Neither do I.

Alice

I think you might do something better with the time, than wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers.

I think you could spend your time better than wasting it on riddles that have no answers.

Hatter

If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn’t talk about wasting it. It’s him.

If you understood Time like I do, you wouldn’t say you’re wasting it. It’s him.

Alice

I don’t know what you mean.

I don't understand what you're saying.

Hatter

Of course you don’t. I dare say you never even spoke to Time.

Of course you don’t. I bet you’ve never even talked to Time.

Alice

Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.

Perhaps not, but I know I have to keep up with time when I learn music.

Hatter

Ah, that accounts for it. He won’t stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he’d do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o’clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons. You’d only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half past one, time for dinner.

Ah, that explains it. He won’t put up with being hit. Now, if you just stayed on good terms with him, he’d do nearly anything you wanted with the clock. For example, let’s say it’s nine o’clock in the morning, right when lessons are starting. You’d just need to whisper a hint to Time, and the clock would move in an instant! It’s half past one, time for dinner.

[Pg 53]
March Hare

March Hare

I only wish it was.

I just wish it was.

Alice

That would be grand, certainly, but then—I shouldn’t be hungry for it, you know.

That would be great, for sure, but then—I shouldn't be craving it, you know.

Hatter

Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half past one as long as you liked.

Not at first, maybe, but you could stick to half past one for as long as you wanted.

Alice

Is that the way you manage?

Is that how you manage?

Hatter

Not I, we quarreled last March—just before he went mad, you know. It was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts and I had to sing.

Not me, we fought last March—right before he lost it, you know. It was at the big concert hosted by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to perform.

“Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you’re at!”

“Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
I’m curious about what you’re up to!”

You know the song, perhaps.

You might know the song.

Alice

I’ve heard something like it.

I've heard something like that.

Dormouse

Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle—

Twinkle, twinkle, little star—

[Pg 54]
Hatter

Hatter

Well, I’d hardly finished the first verse when the Queen bawled out, “He’s murdering the time! Off with his head!”

Well, I barely finished the first verse when the Queen shouted, “He’s wasting time! Off with his head!”

Alice

How dreadfully savage!

How incredibly brutal!

Hatter

And ever since that, he won’t do a thing I ask! It’s always six o’clock now.

And ever since then, he won’t do anything I ask! It’s always six o'clock now.

Alice

Is that the reason so many tea things are put out here?

Is that why so many tea things are set out here?

Hatter

Yes, that’s it; it’s always tea time, and we’ve no time to wash the things between whiles.

Yes, that's it; it's always tea time, and we don't have time to wash the dishes in between.

Alice

Then you keep moving round, I suppose?

Then you just keep moving around, I guess?

Hatter

Exactly so, as the things get used up.

Exactly, as things get used up.

Alice

But when you come to the beginning again?

But what happens when you reach the beginning again?

[Pg 55]
March Hare

March Hare

Suppose we change the subject. I vote the young lady tells us a story.

Suppose we switch topics. I think the young lady should tell us a story.

Alice

I’m afraid I don’t know one.

I’m sorry, I don’t know one.

March Hare and Hatter

Then the Dormouse shall. Wake up Dormouse.

Then the Dormouse will. Wake up, Dormouse.

[They pinch him on both sides at once.]

They pinch him on both sides at once.

Dormouse

[Opens his eyes slowly and says in a hoarse, feeble voice.]

He slowly opens his eyes and says in a weak, raspy voice.

I wasn’t asleep, I heard every word you fellows were saying.

I wasn't asleep; I heard everything you guys were saying.

March Hare

Tell us a story.

Share a story.

Alice

Yes, please do!

Sure, will do!

Hatter

And be quick about it, or you’ll be asleep again before it’s done.

And hurry up, or you’ll end up falling asleep again before it’s finished.

Dormouse

Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their[Pg 56] names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie and they lived at the bottom of a well—

Once upon a time, there were three little sisters, and their[Pg 56] names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie, and they lived at the bottom of a well—

Alice

What did they live on?

What did they survive on?

Dormouse

They lived on treacle.

They survived on syrup.

[Pg 57]
Alice

They couldn’t have done that, you know, they’d have been ill.

They couldn't have done that, you know, they would have been sick.

Dormouse

So they were, very ill.

So they were really sick.

Alice

But why did they live at the bottom of a well?

March Hare

Take some more tea.

Have some more tea.

Alice

I’ve had nothing yet, so I can’t take more.

I haven't had anything yet, so I can't take more.

Hatter

You mean, you can’t take less; it’s very easy to take more than nothing.

You mean, you can’t take less; it’s really easy to take more than nothing.

Alice

Nobody asked your opinion.

Nobody asked for your opinion.

Hatter

Who’s making personal remarks now?

Who’s making personal comments now?

Alice

[Helps herself to tea and bread and butter.]

[Serves herself tea and bread and butter.]

Why did they live at the bottom of a well?

[Pg 58]
Dormouse

Dormouse

[Takes a minute or two to think.]

[i]Takes a minute or two to think.[/i]

It was a treacle-well.

It was a syrupy well.

Alice

There’s no such thing!

That doesn't exist!

Hatter and March Hare

Sh! Sh!

Shh!

Dormouse

If you can’t be civil, you’d better finish the story for yourself.

If you can't be polite, you should make sure to wrap up the story for yourself.

Alice

[Very humbly.]

Very modestly.

No, please go on. I won’t interrupt you again. I dare say there may be one.

No, please continue. I won’t interrupt you again. I must say there might be one.

Dormouse

One, indeed! And so these three little sisters—they were learning to draw, you know—

One, for sure! And so these three little sisters—they were learning to draw, you know—

Alice

What did they draw?

What did they create?

Dormouse

Treacle.

Syrup.

[Pg 59]
Hatter

Hatter

I want a clean cup. Let’s all move one place on.

I want a clean cup. Let's all shift one spot over.

[Hatter moves on, Dormouse takes his place, March Hare takes Dormouse’s place and Alice unwillingly takes March Hare’s place.]

[Hat maker moves on, Dormouse takes his spot, March Hare fills Dormouse spot and Alice reluctantly takes March Hare's spot.]

Alice

I’m worse off than I was before. You’ve upset the milk jug into your plate.

I'm in a worse situation than I was before. You've spilled the milk jug into your plate.

March Hare

It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.

It wasn’t very polite of you to sit down without being invited.

Alice

Where did they draw the treacle from?

Where did they get the treacle from?

Hatter

You can draw water out of a water well, so I should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle well—eh, stupid?

You can pull water from a water well, so I would think you could pull treacle from a treacle well—right, foolish?

Alice

But they were in the well.

Dormouse

Of course they were—well in. They were learning to draw, and they drew all manner of things—everything that begins with an M—

Of course they were doing great. They were learning to draw, and they sketched all kinds of things—everything that starts with an M—

[Pg 60]
Alice

Why with an M?

March Hare

Why not?

[Alice is silent and confused. Hatter pinches Dormouse to wake him up.]

[Alice is quiet and puzzled. Mad Hatter nudges Dormouse to wake him up.]

[Pg 61]
Dormouse

Dormouse

[Wakes with a little shriek and continues.]

[Wakes up with a small scream and keeps going.]

—that begins with an M, such as mousetraps and the moon and memory and muchness—you know you say things are “much of a muchness”—did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?

—that begins with an M, like mousetraps, the moon, memory, and muchness—you know how you say things are “much of a muchness”—have you ever seen a drawing of a muchness?

Hatter

Did you?

Alice

Really now you ask me, I don’t think—

Really, now you’re asking me, I don’t think—

Hatter

Then you shouldn’t talk.

Then you shouldn't speak.

March Hare

No!

Alice

[Rises and walks away.]

[Gets up and walks away.]

You are very rude. It’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life—

You are really rude. This is the dumbest tea party I've ever been to in my whole life—

[White Rabbit enters carrying a huge envelope with a seal and crown on it.]

[White Rabbit enters holding a large envelope with a seal and crown on it.]

March Hare and Hatter

No room! no room!

No space! no space!

[Pg 62][Rabbit pays no attention to them but goes to the house and raps loudly. A footman in livery with a round face and large eyes like a frog and powdered hair opens the door.]

[Pg 62][Rabbit ignores them and heads to the house, knocking loudly. A footman in a formal uniform, with a round face and big frog-like eyes and powdered hair, answers the door.]

White Rabbit

For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.

Frog

From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.

[White Rabbit bows and goes out.]

[White Rabbit bows and exits.]

March Hare and Hatter

[To White Rabbit.]

No room! No room! No room!

[The Frog disappears into the house but leaves the door open. There is a terrible din and many sauce pans fly out.]

[i]The[/i] [span class="smcap"]Frog[/span] [i]disappears into the house but leaves the door open. There's a terrible racket and many saucepans come flying out.[/i]

March Hare

She’s at it again.

She's doing it again.

Hatter

It’s perfectly disgusting.

It’s completely disgusting.

March Hare

Let’s move on.

Let’s proceed.

[The platform moves off with table, chairs, March Hare, [Pg 63]Hatter, and Dormouse. Meanwhile the Frog has come out again and is sitting near the closed door, staring stupidly at the sky. Alice goes to the door timidly and knocks.]

[The platform leaves with the table and chairs, March Hare, [Pg 63]Hatter, and Dormouse Meanwhile, the Frog has come out again and is sitting by the closed door, staring blankly at the sky. Alice approaches the door nervously and knocks.]

Frog

There’s no sort of use in knocking, and that for two reasons: first, because I’m on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they’re making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.

There’s no point in knocking for two reasons: first, because I’m on the same side of the door as you; second, because they’re making so much noise inside that no one could hear you anyway.

Alice

Please then, how am I to get in?

Please tell me, how am I supposed to get in?

Frog

There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.

There might be some reason for your knocking if there was a door between us. For example, if you were inside, you could knock, and I could let you out, you know.

Alice

How am I to get in?

How am I supposed to get in?

Frog

I shall sit here, till tomorrow.

I will sit here until tomorrow.

[The door opens and a large plate skims out straight at the Frog’s head; it grazes his nose and breaks into pieces.]

[The door swings open and a large plate flies straight at the Frog head; it grazes his nose and shatters into pieces.]

[Frog acts as if nothing had happened.]

Frog acts like nothing's changed.

Or next day, maybe.

Or maybe the next day.

[Pg 64]
Alice

How am I to get in?

How do I get inside?

Frog

Are you to get in at all? That’s the first question, you know.

Are you even planning to get in? That’s the first question, you know.

Alice

It’s really dreadful the way all you creatures argue. It’s enough to drive one crazy.

It’s really awful how you all argue. It’s enough to drive anyone crazy.

Frog

I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.

I will sit here, on and off, for days and days.

Alice

But what am I to do?

But what am I supposed to do?

Frog

Anything you like.

Anything you want.

[He begins to whistle.]

He starts whistling.

Alice

Where’s the servant whose business it is to answer the door?

Where’s the servant whose job it is to answer the door?

Frog

Which door?

Alice

This door, of course!

This door, obviously!

[The Frog looks at the door, and rubs his thumb on it to see if the paint will come off.]

[The Frog stares at the door and runs his thumb over it to check if the paint will smudge.]

Larger Image

Frog: I shall sit here till tomorrow.

Frog: I'm going to sit here until tomorrow.

[Pg 65]

Frog

To answer the door? What’s it been asking for?

To answer the door? What has it been wanting?

Alice

I don’t know what you mean.

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Pg 66]
Frog

Frog

I speaks English, doesn’t I? Or are you deaf? What did it ask you?

I speak English, don’t I? Or are you deaf? What did it ask you?

Alice

Nothing! I’ve been knocking at it.

Nothing! I’ve been banging on it.

Frog

Shouldn’t do that—shouldn’t do that, vexes it, you know.

Shouldn't do that—shouldn't do that, it annoys it, you know.

[He kicks the door.]

He kicks the door.

You let it alone, and it’ll let you alone, you know.

You leave it alone, and it’ll leave you alone, you know.

Alice

Oh, there’s no use talking to you—

Oh, there’s no point in talking to you—

[She starts to open the door just as the Duchess comes out carrying a pig in baby’s clothes. She sneezes—Frog sneezes and Alice sneezes.]

[She begins to open the door just as the Duchess walks out holding a pig dressed like a baby. She sneezes—Frog sneezes and Alice sneezes.]

Duchess

If everybody minded her own business—

If everyone took care of their own business—

[She sneezes.]

She sneezes.

Alice

It’s pepper.

It's pepper.

Duchess

Of course, my cook puts it in the soup.

Of course, my chef adds it to the soup.

[Pg 67]
Alice

There’s certainly too much pepper in the soup.

There’s definitely too much pepper in the soup.

Duchess

Sneeze then and get rid of it!

Sneeze now and clear it out!

[Duchess begins to sing to the baby, giving it a violent shake at the end of every line of the lullaby.]

[Duchess starts singing to the baby, shaking it roughly at the end of each line of the lullaby.]

“Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes;

“Speak harshly to your little boy,
And hit him when he sneezes;

[Frog and Alice sneeze.]

He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases.

He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it irritates you.

[Duchess sneezes, Frog sneezes, Alice sneezes.]

I speak severely to my boy,
I beat him when he sneezes;

I talk harshly to my boy,
I hit him when he sneezes;

[Frog sneezes, Alice sneezes.]

For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!”

For he can fully enjoy
The spice whenever he wants!

[Duchess sneezes, Frog sneezes, Alice sneezes, Duchess gasps and gives a tremendous sneeze.]

[Duchess sneezes, Frog sneezes, Alice sneezes, Duchess gasps and lets out a huge sneeze.]

Alice

Oh dear!

Oh no!

[She jumps aside as kettles and pots come flying out of the door. The Duchess pays no attention.]

[She jumps aside as kettles and pots come flying out of the door. The Duchess doesn’t pay any attention.]

What a cook to have!

What a great cook!

[She calls inside.]

She calls inside.

Oh! please mind what you’re doing!

Oh! please watch what you're doing!

[Pg 68][Another pan comes out and almost hits the baby.]

[Pg 68][Another pan comes out and nearly hits the baby.]

Oh! there goes his precious nose!

Oh! there goes his precious nose!

Duchess

If everybody minded her own business, the world would go round a deal faster than it does.

If everyone focused on their own business, the world would move a lot faster than it does.

Alice

Which would not be an advantage. Just think what work it would make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis—

Which wouldn't be an advantage. Just think about how much work that would create with day and night! You see, the Earth takes twenty-four hours to rotate on its axis—

Duchess

Talking of axes, chop off her head!

Talking about axes, behead her!

[The head of a grinning Cheshire cat appears in a tree above a wall.]

[i]A grinning Cheshire cat's head appears in a tree above a wall.[/i]

Alice

Oh, what’s that?

Oh, what's that?

Duchess

Cat, of course.

Cat, obviously.

Alice

Why does it grin like that?

Why is it grinning like that?

Duchess

It’s a Cheshire cat! and that’s why. [To baby.] Pig!

It’s a Cheshire cat! And that’s why. [To baby.] Pig!

Larger Image

Duchess: I speak severely to my boy,
I beat him when he sneezes.

Duchess: I talk harshly to my son,
I punish him even when he sneezes.

[Pg 69]
Alice

I didn’t know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn’t know that cats could grin.

I didn’t know that Cheshire cats always smiled; in fact, I didn’t know that cats could smile.

Duchess

They all can and most of ’em do.

They all can, and most of them do.

Alice

I don’t know of any that do.

I don't know of any that do.

Duchess

You don’t know much and that’s a fact. Here, you may nurse it a bit, if you like!

You don’t know much, and that’s a fact. Here, you can take care of it a bit, if you want!

[Flings the baby at Alice.]

[Throws the baby at Alice.]

I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen.

I need to go get ready to play croquet with the Queen.

[She goes into the house.]

She enters the house.

Alice

If I don’t take this child away with me, they’re sure to kill it in a day or two. Cheshire Puss, would you tell me please, which way I ought to walk from here?

If I don’t take this child away with me, they’re definitely going to kill it in a day or two. Cheshire Cat, could you please tell me which way I should walk from here?

Cat

That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.

That really depends on where you want to go.

Alice

I don’t much care where—

I don't really care where—

[Pg 70]
Cat

Then it doesn’t matter which way you walk.

Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.

Alice

So long as I get somewhere.

As long as I get somewhere.

Cat

Oh, you’re sure to do that, if you only walk long enough.

Oh, you’ll definitely do that if you just keep walking long enough.

Alice

Please, will you tell me what sort of people live about here?

Please, can you tell me what kind of people live around here?

Cat

All mad people.

All crazy people.

Alice

But I don’t want to go among mad people.

But I don't want to be around crazy people.

Cat

Oh, you can’t help that; we’re all mad here. I’m mad. He’s mad. He’s dreaming now, and what do you think he’s dreaming about?

Oh, you can't do anything about that; we're all crazy here. I'm crazy. He's crazy. He's dreaming right now, and what do you think he's dreaming about?

Alice

[Goes to the Frog to scrutinize his face.]

[Goes to the Frog to examine his face.]

Nobody could guess that.

No one could guess that.

[Pg 71]
Cat

Why, about you! And if he left off dreaming about you, where do you suppose you’d be?

Why, think about you! And if he stopped dreaming about you, where do you think you'd be?

Alice

Where I am now, of course.

Cat

Not you. You’d be nowhere. Why, you’re only a sort of thing in his dream; and you’re mad too.

Not you. You’d be nowhere. Actually, you’re just a kind of figment in his dream; and you’re crazy too.

Alice

How do you know I’m mad?

How can you tell I'm angry?

Cat

You must be, or you wouldn’t have come here.

You must be, or you wouldn’t have shown up here.

Alice

How do you know that you’re mad?

How do you know you’re crazy?

Cat

To begin with, a dog’s not mad. You grant that?

To start with, a dog isn’t crazy. Do you agree?

Alice

I suppose so.

I guess so.

Cat

Well then, you see a dog growls when it’s angry, and wags its[Pg 72] tail when it’s pleased. Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.

Well, you see, a dog growls when it’s angry and wags its[Pg 72] tail when it’s happy. Now I growl when I’m happy and wag my tail when I’m angry. So, I must be crazy.

Alice

I call it purring, not growling.

Cat

Call it what you like. Do you play croquet with the Queen today?

Call it whatever you want. Are you playing croquet with the Queen today?

[Pg 73]
Alice

I should like it very much, but I haven’t been invited yet.

I'd really like to, but I haven't been invited yet.

Cat

You’ll see me there.

You'll see me there.

[Vanishes.]

Vanishes.

Alice

[To squirming baby.]

To wriggling baby.

Oh, dear, it’s heavy and so ugly. Don’t grunt—Oh—Oh—it’s a—pig. Please Mr. Footman take it!

Oh, man, it’s so heavy and really ugly. Don’t make a noise—Oh—Oh—it’s a—pig. Please, Mr. Footman, take it!

Frog

[Rises with dignity, whistles and disappears into the house; a kettle comes bounding out. Alice puts pig down and it crawls off.]

[Stands up gracefully, whistles, and heads into the house; a kettle comes rushing out. Alice sets the pig down, and it scurries away.]

Cat

[Appearing again.]

[Back again.]

By-the-bye, what became of the baby?

By the way, what happened to the baby?

Alice

It turned into a pig.

It became a pig.

Cat

I thought it would.

[Vanishes.]

Vanishes.

[Pg 74][Frog comes out of the house with hedgehogs and flamingoes.]

[Pg 74][Frog walks out of the house with hedgehogs and flamingos.]

Cat

[Reappearing.]

[Coming back.]

Did you say pig, or fig?

Did you say pig or fig?

Alice

I said pig; and I wish you wouldn’t keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly; you make one quite giddy.

I said pig; and I wish you wouldn’t keep showing up and disappearing so suddenly; it really makes me dizzy.

Cat

All right. [It vanishes slowly.]

All good. [It fades away slowly.]

[Frog puts flamingoes down and reenters house. While Alice is examining the flamingoes curiously, Tweedledum and Tweedledee, each with an arm round the other’s neck, sidestep in and stand looking at Alice.]

[Frog puts down the flamingoes and goes back inside the house. While Alice is curiously examining the flamingoes, Tweedledum and Tweedledee, each with an arm around the other's neck, step in and stand looking at Alice.]

Alice

[Turns, sees them, starts in surprise and involuntarily whispers.]

[Turns, sees them, gasps in surprise and instinctively whispers.]

Tweedle—dee.

Tweedle-dee.

Dum

Dum!

Damn!

Dee

If you think we’re waxworks, you ought to pay.

If you think we’re just mannequins, you should pay up.

[Pg 75]
Dum

Dum

Contrariwise, if you think we’re alive, you ought to speak.

On the other hand, if you believe we’re alive, you should speak up.

Dee

The first thing in a visit is to say “How d’ye do?” and shake hands!

The first thing you do when you visit is to say "How’s it going?" and shake hands!

[The brothers give each other a hug, then hold out the two hands that are free, to shake hands with her. Alice does not like shaking hands with either of them first, for fear of hurting the other one’s feelings; she takes hold of both hands at once and they all dance round in a ring, quite naturally to music, “Here we go round the mulberry bush.”]

[The brothers hug each other, then extend their free hands to shake hands with her. Alice doesn't want to shake hands with either of them first, worried about hurting the other’s feelings; she grabs both hands at once and they all start dancing in a circle, naturally moving to the tune of “Here we go round the mulberry bush.”]

Alice

Would you tell me which road leads out of—

Would you tell me which road goes out of—

Dee

What shall I repeat to her?

What should I say to her again?

Dum

The “Walrus and the Carpenter” is the longest.

[Gives his brother an affectionate hug.]

[Gives his brother a warm hug.]

Dee

The sun was shining—

Alice

If it’s very long, would you please tell me first which road—

If it’s really long, can you let me know first which road—

[Pg 76]
Dee

Dee

The moon was shining sulkily.

The moon was shining dimly.

Dum

The sea was wet as wet could be—

The sea was as wet as it gets—

Dee

O Oysters, come and walk with us
The Walrus did beseech—

O Oysters, come and walk with us
The Walrus asked—

Dum

[Looks at Dee.]

A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach—

A nice walk, a nice chat,
At the salty beach—

Dee

[Looks at Dum.]

The eldest Oyster winked his eye
And shook his heavy head—

The oldest Oyster winked his eye
And shook his head—

Dum

[Looks at Dee.]

[Gazes at Dee.]

Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster bed.

Meaning to say he did not choose
To exit the oyster farm.

Dee

But four young Oysters hurried up
And yet another four—

But four young Oysters rushed up
And four more—

[Pg 77]
Dum

Dum

And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more—

And thick and fast they arrived at last,
And more, and more, and more—

Dee

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked roughly a mile,

Dum

And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low,

And then they took a break on a rock
Perfectly low,

Dee

And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

And all the little oysters stood
And stood in line.

Dum

“A loaf of bread,” the Walrus said,
“Is what we chiefly need.

“A loaf of bread,” the Walrus said,
"This is what we need."

Dee

Now if you’re ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.”

Now if you’re ready, dear Oysters,
Let’s start eating.

Dum

“But not on us!” the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.

“But not on us!” the Oysters shouted,
Feeling a bit sad.

[Pg 78]
Dee

“The night is fine,” the Walrus said,
“Do you admire the view?”

“The night is lovely,” the Walrus said,
"Do you like the view?"

Dum

The Carpenter said nothing but
“Cut us another slice.
I wish you were not quite so deaf—
I’ve had to ask you twice!”

The Carpenter didn't say anything except
"Give us another slice."
I wish you weren't so deaf—
"I've had to ask you twice!"

Dee

“It seems a shame,” the Walrus said,
“To play them such a trick,
After we’ve brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!”

“It’s such a pity,” the Walrus said,
"To pull a move like this on them,
After we've brought them out this far,
"And made them run around so quickly!"

Dum

“O, Oysters,” said the Carpenter,
“You’ve had a pleasant run!

“O, Oysters,” said the Carpenter,
"You had a great time!"

Dee

Shall we be trotting home again?”

Shall we be heading home again?

Dum

But answer came there none—

But no answer came—

Dee

And this was scarcely odd, because

And this was hardly strange, because

[Pg 79]
Dum

Dum

They’d eaten every—

They had eaten everything—

Dee

[Interrupts in a passion, pointing to a white rattle on the ground.]

[Interrupts in a fit of emotion, pointing to a white rattle on the ground.]

Do you see that?

Do you see this?

Alice

It’s only a rattle—

It’s just a rattle—

Dum

[Stamps wildly and tears his hair.]

[i]Stamps around frantically and pulls at his hair.[/i]

I knew it was! It’s spoilt of course. My nice new rattle!

I knew it! It's ruined, of course. My nice new rattle!

[To Dee.]

You agree to have a battle?

Are you up for a fight?

[He collects sauce pans and pots.]

He collects pots and pans.

Dee

[Picks up a sauce pan.]

[Grabs a saucepan.]

I suppose so. Let’s fight till dinner.

I guess so. Let’s fight until dinner.

[They go out hand in hand.]

They walk out together, hand in hand.

Alice

[Hears music.]

[Hears music playing.]

I wonder what is going to happen next.

I wonder what will happen next.

[She backs down stage respectfully as the King and Queen of Hearts enter, followed by the Knave of Hearts carrying the King’s crown on a crimson velvet cushion, and the White Rabbit and others. When they come opposite to Alice they stop and look at her.]

[She respectfully steps back as the Monarch and the Queen of Hearts enter, followed by the Jack of Hearts holding the King's crown on a crimson velvet cushion, along with the White Rabbit and others. When they reach the spot in front of Alice they stop and look at her.]

[The Duchess comes out of her house.]

The Duchess leaves her house.

[Pg 80]
Queen

[To the Knave.]

Who is this?

Who's this?

Knave

Rogue

[Bows three times, smiles and giggles.]

[Bows three times, smiles, and giggles.]

[Pg 81]
Queen

Idiot! What’s your name, child?

What’s your name, kid?

Alice

My name is Alice, so please your Majesty.

My name is Alice, Your Majesty.

Queen

Off with her head! Off—

Alice

Nonsense!

King

Consider, my dear, she is only a child.

Consider, my dear, she’s just a child.

Queen

Can you play croquet?

Alice

Yes.

Queen

Come on then. Get to your places. Where are the mallets?

Come on, everyone. Take your spots. Where are the mallets?

Duchess

Here.

[The Frog appears with the flamingoes and hedgehogs.]

[The Frog shows up with the flamingos and hedgehogs.]

[Pg 82]
Queen

Off with his head!

[No one pays any attention.]

No one is paying attention.

Knave

Rogue

What fun!

So much fun!

Alice

What is the fun?

What's the fun?

Knave

Knucklehead

Why she; it’s all her fancy, that. They never execute anyone.

Why her; it’s all her imagination, really. They never carry out executions.

Alice

What does one do?

What should you do?

Queen

Get to your places!

Take your seats!

[She takes a flamingo, uses its neck as a mallet and a hedgehog as a ball. The Frog doubles himself into an arch. The King does the same with the followers and the Knave offers himself as an arch for Alice. Even though Alice does not notice him he holds the arch position. The Queen shouts at intervals, “Off with his head, off with her head.”]

[i>She grabs a flamingo, uses its neck as a mallet, and a hedgehog as a ball. The Frog bends into an arch. The King does the same with his followers, and the Scoundrel positions himself as an arch for Alice Even though Alice doesn’t notice him, he maintains the arch position. The Queen yells periodically, “Off with his head, off with her head.”

Alice

Where are the Chess Queens?

[Pg 83]
Rabbit

Rabbit

Under sentence of execution.

On death row.

Alice

What for?

Why?

Rabbit

Did you say, “what a pity”?

Did you say, "what a shame"?

Alice

No, I didn’t. I don’t think it’s at all a pity. I said, “What for?”

No, I didn’t. I don’t think it’s a pity at all. I said, “What for?”

Rabbit

They boxed the Queen’s ears.

They boxed the queen's ears.

[Alice gives a little scream of laughter.]

[Alice chuckles softly.]

Rabbit

Oh, hush! The Queen will hear you! You see they came rather late and the Queen said—Oh dear, the Queen hears me—

Oh, quiet! The Queen will hear you! You see, they arrived pretty late and the Queen said—Oh no, the Queen hears me—

[He hurries away.]

He rushes away.

Alice

[Noticing the Knave who still pretends to be an arch.]

[Noticing the Rogue who still acts like he's in charge.]

How can you go on thinking so quietly, with your head downwards?

How can you keep thinking so quietly, with your head down?

[Pg 84]
Knave

[Pg 84]
Rogue

What does it matter where my body happens to be? My mind goes on working just the same. The fact of it is, the more head downwards I am, the more I keep on inventing new things.

What does it matter where my body is? My mind keeps working just the same. The truth is, the more I'm upside down, the more I keep coming up with new ideas.

King

Did you happen to meet any soldiers, my dear, as you came through the wood?

Did you happen to run into any soldiers, my dear, while you were walking through the woods?

Alice

Yes, I did; several thousand I should think.

Yes, I did; I’d say several thousand.

King

Four thousand, two hundred and seven, that’s the exact number. They couldn’t send all the horses, you know, because two of them are wanted in the game. And I haven’t sent the two messengers, either.

Four thousand two hundred seven, that’s the exact number. They couldn’t send all the horses, you know, because two of them are needed for the game. And I haven’t sent the two messengers, either.

Alice

What’s the war about?

King

The red Chess King has the whole army against us but he can’t kill a man who has thirteen hearts.

The red Chess King has the entire army against us, but he can't kill a guy who has thirteen hearts.

[The Duchess, Queen, Frog, and followers go out. The Knave and the Five-Spot, Seven-Spot, and Nine-Spot of Hearts stand behind the King.]

[The Duchess, Queen, Frog and their entourage leave. The Rogue and the Five-Spot, Seven-Spot, and Nine of Hearts stand behind the King.]

Larger Image

King: I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see Nobody!

King: I just wish I had those kinds of eyes; to be able to see Nobody!

[Pg 85]King

Just look along the road and tell me if you can see either of my messengers.

Just look down the road and let me know if you can see either of my messengers.

Alice

I see nobody on the road.

I don’t see anyone on the road.

King

I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see Nobody! And at that distance too! Why, it’s as much as I can do to see real people, by this light.

I really wish I had eyes like that; to be able to see Nobody! And from that far away too! Honestly, it's a struggle for me to see real people in this light.

Alice

I see somebody now! But he’s coming very slowly—and what curious attitudes he goes into—skipping up and down, and wriggling like an eel.

I see someone now! But he’s coming really slowly—and what strange positions he’s getting into—skipping up and down, and wriggling like an eel.

King

Not at all, those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. He only does them when he’s happy. I must have two messengers, you know—to come and go. One to come and one to go.

Not at all, those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. He only does them when he's happy. I need two messengers, you know—to come and go. One to come and one to go.

Alice

I beg your pardon?

Excuse me?

King

It isn’t respectable to beg.

It’s not respectable to beg.

[Pg 86]
Alice

I only meant that I didn’t understand. Why one to come and one to go?

I just meant that I didn’t get it. Why does one come and one leave?

King

Don’t I tell you? I must have two—to fetch and carry. One to fetch, and one to carry.

Don’t I say it? I need two—to grab things and carry them. One to grab, and one to carry.

March Hare

[Enters, pants for breath—waves his hands about and makes fearful faces at the King.]

[Enters, gasping for breath—gestures wildly and makes terrified faces at the King.]

King

You alarm me! I feel faint—give me a ham sandwich. Another sandwich!

You’re freaking me out! I feel dizzy—give me a ham sandwich. Another sandwich!

March Hare

There’s nothing but hay left now.

There's only hay left now.

King

Hay, then. There’s nothing like eating hay when you’re faint.

Hay, then. There’s nothing like having hay when you’re feeling weak.

Alice

I should think throwing cold water over you would be better.

I think it would be better to splash you with cold water.

King

I didn’t say there was nothing better; I said there was nothing like it.

[Pg 87]
King

Who did you pass on the road?

Who did you see on the road?

March Hare

Nobody.

No one.

King

Quite right; this young lady saw him too. So of course Nobody walks slower than you.

Quite right; this young lady saw him too. So, of course, nobody walks slower than you.

March Hare

I do my best; I’m sure nobody walks much faster than I do.

I do my best; I'm sure no one walks faster than I do.

King

He can’t do that; or else he’d have been here first. However, now you’ve got your breath, you may tell us what’s happened in the town.

He can't do that; otherwise, he would have been here first. But now that you’ve caught your breath, you can tell us what happened in the town.

March Hare

I’ll whisper it.

I'll say it softly.

[Much to Alice’s surprise, he shouts into the King’s ear.]

To Alice’s surprise, he yells into the King’s ear.

They’re at it again!

They're at it again!

King

Do you call that a whisper? If you do such a thing again, I’ll have you buttered. It went through and through my head like an earthquake. Give me details, quick!

Do you call that a whisper? If you do that again, I’ll have you in big trouble. It shook me to my core like an earthquake. Give me the details, fast!

[Pg 88][The King and March Hare go out, followed by Five, Seven, and Nine Spots.]

[Pg 88][The King and March Hare leave, followed by Five, Seven, and Nine Spots.]

Duchess

[Runs in and tucks her arm affectionately into Alice’s.]

[Runs in and lovingly wraps her arm around Alice's.]

You can’t think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing!

I can't tell you how happy I am to see you again, you dear old friend!

Alice

Oh!

Duchess

You’re thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can’t tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.

You’re lost in thought, my dear, and that's why you’re quiet. I can't tell you what the lesson is right now, but I'll remember it soon.

Alice

Perhaps it hasn’t one.

Maybe it doesn’t have one.

Duchess

Tut, tut, child! Everything’s got a moral, if only you can find it.

Tut, tut, kid! Everything has a lesson, if only you can discover it.

[Squeezes closely, digs her chin into Alice’s shoulder, and roughly drags Alice along for a walk.]

[Pulls in tight, presses her chin into Alice's shoulder, and forcefully pulls Alice along for a walk.]

Alice

The game’s going on rather better now.

The game's going much better now.

[Pg 89]
Duchess

Duchess

’Tis so, and the moral of that is—“Oh, ’tis love, ’tis love, that makes the world go round!”

It’s true, and the lesson here is—“Oh, it’s love, it’s love, that makes the world go round!”

Alice

Somebody said, that it’s done by everybody minding their own business.

Somebody said that it’s all about everyone minding their own business.

Duchess

Ah, well! It means much the same thing, and the moral of that is—“Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.”

Ah, well! It means pretty much the same thing, and the moral of that is—“Take care of the sense, and the sounds will sort themselves out.”

Alice

How fond you are of finding morals in things.

How much you love finding lessons in everything.

Duchess

I daresay you’re wondering why I don’t put my arm round your waist. The reason is, that I’m doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try the experiment?

I bet you’re wondering why I don’t put my arm around your waist. The reason is that I’m unsure about the mood of your flamingo. Should I give it a try?

Alice

He might bite.

He could bite.

Duchess

Very true; flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is—“Birds of a feather flock together.”

Very true; flamingos and mustard both sting. And the moral of that is—“Birds of a feather flock together.”

[Pg 90]
Alice

Only mustard isn’t a bird.

Only mustard isn't a bird.

Duchess

Right, as usual; what a clear way you have of putting things.

Right, as always; you have such a clear way of expressing things.

Alice

It’s a mineral, I think.

It's a mineral, I think.

Duchess

Of course it is; there’s a large mustard mine near here. And the moral of that is—“The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours.”

Of course it is; there’s a big mustard mine nearby. And the lesson is—“The more I have, the less you have.”

Alice

Oh! I know, it’s a vegetable. It doesn’t look like one, but it is.

Duchess

I quite agree with you, and the moral of that is—“Be what you would seem to be;” or, if you’d like it put more simply, “Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”

I totally agree with you, and the takeaway from that is—“Be who you want to appear to be;” or, if you want it in simpler terms, “Never think of yourself as anything other than what others see you as, and don’t forget that what you were or could have been is just how you came across to them.”

Alice

I think I should understand that better if I had it written down, but I can’t quite follow it as you say it.

I think I would understand that better if it were written down, but I can't quite follow it when you say it.

[Pg 91]
Duchess

Duchess

That’s nothing to what I could say if I chose.

That’s nothing compared to what I could say if I wanted to.

Alice

Pray don’t trouble yourself to say it any longer than that.

Please don't bother saying it any longer than that.

Duchess

Oh, don’t talk about trouble; I make you a present of everything I’ve said as yet.

Oh, don't bring up trouble; I'll take back everything I've said so far.

Alice

Uhm!

Um!

Duchess

Thinking again?

Having second thoughts?

Alice

I’ve got a right to think.

I have a right to think.

Duchess

Just about as much right as pigs have to fly, and the moral—

Just about as much right as pigs have to fly, and the lesson—

[The arm of the Duchess begins to tremble and her voice dies down. The Queen of Hearts stands before them with folded arms and frowning like a thunderstorm.]

[The arm of the Duchess starts to shake and her voice trails off. The Queen of Hearts stands in front of them with her arms crossed, frowning like a storm.]

Duchess

A fine day, your Majesty.

A great day, Your Majesty.

[Pg 92]Queen

Now, I give you fair warning, either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time. Take your choice!

Now, I’m giving you a fair warning: either you or your head has to go, and it needs to happen pretty quickly. Make your choice!

[The Duchess goes meekly into the house.]

The Duchess goes quietly into the house.

Queen

Let’s go on with the game.

Let’s keep playing the game.

[She goes off and shouts at intervals, “Off with his head; off with her head.”]

She walks away and yells occasionally, “Off with his head; off with her head.”

[Pg 93]
Cat

How are you getting on?

How are you doing?

Alice

It’s no use speaking to you till your ears have come. I don’t think they play at all fairly and they all quarrel so and they don’t seem to have any rules in particular. And you’ve no idea how confusing it is with all the things alive; there’s the arch I’ve got to go through next walking about at the other end of the ground—and I should have croqueted the Queen’s hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming.

It’s pointless to talk to you until you’re actually paying attention. I don’t think they’re being fair at all; they argue constantly and don’t seem to have any specific rules. You wouldn’t believe how confusing it is with everything being alive; there’s the arch I need to walk through at the other end of the grounds—and I should have hit the Queen’s hedgehog in croquet just now, but it ran away when it saw mine coming.

[Music begins.]

[Music starts.]

Cat

How do you like the Queen?

How do you feel about the Queen?

Alice

Not at all; she’s so extremely—

Not at all; she’s so incredibly—

[The King, Queen and entire court enter. The Queen is near to Alice. The music stops and all look at Alice questioningly.]

[The King, Queen and the whole court come in. The Queen is close to Alice The music stops and everyone looks at Alice with curiosity.]

[Alice tries to propitiate the Queen.]

[Alice tries to appease the Queen.]

—likely to win,

—expected to win,

[Music continues.]

[Music plays on.]

that it’s hardly worth while finishing the game.

that it’s hardly worth finishing the game.

[Queen smiles and passes on.]

[Queen smiles and moves on.]

[Pg 94]
King

Who are you talking to?

Who are you talking to?

Alice

It’s a friend of mine—a Cheshire Cat—allow me to introduce it.

It's a friend of mine—a Cheshire Cat—let me introduce you to it.

King

I don’t like the look of it at all; however, it may kiss my hand if it likes.

I really don’t like how it looks at all; however, it can kiss my hand if it wants.

Cat

I’d rather not.

I'd prefer not to.

King

Don’t be impertinent and don’t look at me like that.

Don’t be rude and don’t look at me like that.

Alice

A cat may look at a king. I’ve read that in some book, but I don’t remember where.

A cat can look at a king. I’ve read that in some book, but I can’t remember where.

King

Well, it must be removed. My dear! I wish you would have this cat removed.

Well, it needs to go. My dear! I wish you would get rid of this cat.

Queen

Off with his head!

[Pg 95]
Knave

[Pg 95]
Rogue

But you can’t cut off a head unless there’s a body to cut it off from.

But you can’t cut off a head unless there’s a body to cut it from.

King

Anything that has a head can be beheaded.

Anything that has a head can be decapitated.

Queen

If something isn’t done about it in less than no time, I’ll have everybody executed, all round.

If something isn't done about this right away, I'll have everyone executed, without exception.

Alice

It belongs to the Duchess; you’d better ask her about it.

It's the Duchess's; you should ask her about it.

Duchess

It’s a lie!

It's a lie!

Cat

You’d better ask me. Do it if you can.

You should ask me. Go ahead if you can.

[It grins away. The Duchess and Frog escape into the house.]

[It smiles widely. The Duchess and Frog run into the house.]

Queen

Cut it off!

Cut it out!

King

It’s gone.

[Pg 96]
Everybody

[Pg 96]
Everyone

It’s gone! It’s gone! Where, where, where—

Queen

Cut it off. Cut them all off!

Everybody

Everyone

No, no, no!

No way!

Alice

Save me, save me!

Save me!

Knave

[Shouts to Alice and gives her a tart for safety.]

[Shouts to Alice and hands her a tart for protection.]

Take a tart!

Grab a tart!

Queen

[Seeing Alice stand out a moment from the others.]

[Noticing Alice take a moment to stand apart from the crowd.]

Cut hers off! Cut hers off!

Others

[Glad to distract Queen’s attention from themselves.]

[Happy to distract Queen’s attention from themselves.]

Cut hers off, cut hers off, cut—

Alice

[Cries in fear and takes a quick bite at the tart. If there is a trap door on the stage Alice disappears down it, leaving the[Pg 97] crowd circling around the hole screaming and amazed. If the stage has no trap door, a bridge is built across the footlights with stairs leading down into the orchestra pit. When the crowd is chasing Alice she jumps over the footlights onto the bridge and as the curtain is falling dividing her from the crowd she appeals to the audience, “Save me, save me, who will save me?” and runs down the stairs and disappears.]

[Alice cries out in fear and quickly takes a bite of the tart. If there's a trap door on the stage, she disappears through it, leaving the[Pg 97] crowd circling around the hole, screaming and in shock. If the stage doesn't have a trap door, a bridge is built across the footlights with stairs leading down into the orchestra pit. When the crowd chases Alice , she jumps over the footlights onto the bridge and as the curtain falls, separating her from the crowd, she turns to the audience and pleads, “Save me, save me, who will save me?” before running down the stairs and disappearing.]

CURTAIN

[Pg 98]

ACT III

SCENE ONE

Is a garden of high, very conventional and artificial looking flowers. On a large mushroom sits the Caterpillar smoking a hookah. Alice is whirling about trying to get her equilibrium after her fall. She goes to the mushroom timidly and, conscious of her size, for her chin reaches the top of the mushroom, she gazes at the Caterpillar wonderingly. He looks at her lazily and speaks in a languid voice.

It's a garden filled with tall, very ordinary and artificial-looking flowers. On a large mushroom sits the Caterpillar smoking a hookah. Alice is spinning around trying to regain her balance after her fall. She approaches the mushroom hesitantly and, aware of her size since her chin reaches the top of the mushroom, she stares at the Caterpillar in wonder. He looks at her lazily and speaks in a slow voice.

Caterpillar

Who are you?

Alice

I—I hardly know, sir, just at present. The Queen frightened me so and I’ve had an awfully funny fall down a tunnel or a sort of well. At least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.

I—I hardly know, sir, right now. The Queen scared me so much, and I had a really weird fall down a tunnel or a kind of well. At least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.

Caterpillar

What do you mean by that? Explain yourself.

What do you mean by that? Please clarify.

[Pg 99]
Alice

I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir, because I’m not myself, you see. Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.

I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir, because I’m not myself, you see. Being so many different sizes in a day is really confusing.

Caterpillar

You! Who are you?

[Pg 100]
Alice

I think you ought to tell me who you are, first.

I think you should tell me who you are, first.

Caterpillar

Why?

[As Alice turns away.]

[As Alice looks away.]

Come back. I’ve something important to say.

Come back. I have something important to say.

[Alice comes back.]

[Alice returns.]

Keep your temper.

Stay calm.

Alice

Is that all?

Is that it?

Caterpillar

No.

[He puffs at the hookah in silence; finally takes it out of his mouth and unfolds his arms.]

[i]He quietly puffs on the hookah; finally, he pulls it away from his mouth and uncrosses his arms.[/i]

So you think you’re changed, do you?

So you think you're different now, huh?

Alice

I’m afraid I am, Sir; I don’t keep the same size.

I’m sorry, Sir; I don’t have a consistent size.

Caterpillar

What size do you want to be?

Alice

I don’t know. At least I’ve never been so small as a caterpillar.

I don’t know. At least I’ve never been as small as a caterpillar.

[Pg 101]
Caterpillar

Caterpillar

[Rears angrily.]

Rears up angrily.

It is a very good height indeed.

It's a great height.

Alice

But I’m not used to it; I wish you wouldn’t all be so easily offended.

But I'm not used to it; I wish you all wouldn't take offense so easily.

Caterpillar

You’ll get used to it in time.

You’ll get used to it eventually.

Alice

Are you too big or am I too small?

Are you too big, or am I too small?

[She compares her height wonderingly with the tall flowers.]

She compares her height curiously with the tall flowers.

Caterpillar

[Looks at her sleepily, yawns, shakes himself, slides down from the mushroom and crawls slowly away.]

[Looks at her with sleepy eyes, yawns, shakes himself awake, slides off the mushroom, and crawls away slowly.]

One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.

One side will make you taller, and the other side will make you shorter.

Alice

One side of what? The other side of what?

Caterpillar

Of the mushroom.

Mushroom-based.

[Pg 102][Alice hesitates, then embraces mushroom and picks bit from each side.]

[Pg 102][Alice pauses, then grabs the mushroom and takes a piece from each side.]

[Three gardeners representing spades enter carrying brushes and red paint cans.]

[Three gardeners carrying brushes and cans of red paint walk in, representing spades.]

Two-Spot

Look out now, Five. Don’t go splashing paint over me like that.

Look out now, Five. Don’t splash paint all over me like that.

Five-Spot

I couldn’t help it. Seven jogged my elbow.

I couldn't help it. Seven nudged my elbow.

Seven-Spot

That’s right, Five, always lay the blame on others.

That’s right, Five, always put the blame on someone else.

Five-Spot

You’d better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded.

You shouldn’t say anything. I heard the Queen say just yesterday that you deserve to be executed.

Two-Spot

What for?

Why?

Seven-Spot

That’s none of your business, Two.

Not your problem, Two.

Five-Spot

Yes, it is his business, and I’ll tell him. It was for bringing the cook tulip roots instead of onions.

Yes, it's his problem, and I'll let him know. It was for bringing the cook tulip bulbs instead of onions.

[Pg 103]
Seven-Spot

Seven-Spot

Well, of all the unjust things—

Well, of all the unfair things—

[Sees Alice; others look around, all bow.]

[Sees Alice; everyone looks around, all bow.]

Alice

Could you please tell me what side to eat?

Could you let me know which side to eat?

[Five and Seven look at Two.]

[Five and Seven are looking at Two.]

Two-Spot

I don’t know anything about it.

[He paints a white rose, red.]

[He paints a white rose red.]

You ought to have been red, we put you in by mistake, and if the Queen was to find it out we should all have our heads cut off.

You should have been in red; we put you in by mistake, and if the Queen finds out, we’re all going to lose our heads.

[A thumping is heard off stage and the music grows louder and louder.]

[i]A loud pounding is heard off stage, and the music gets louder and louder.[/i]

Alice

What’s that?

Five-Spot

The White Chess Queen.

Seven-Spot

Don’t let her see what we are doing.

Don’t let her see what we’re doing.

Two-Spot

She’ll tell on us.

She'll snitch on us.

[Pg 104]
Seven-Spot

Seven-Spot

Run out and stop her from coming here.

Five-Spot

[To Alice as she runs to the right.]

No, no, the other way.

No, no, the other direction.

Alice

But she’s off there!

But she’s over there!

Two-Spot

You can only meet her by walking the other way.

You can only see her by going the opposite direction.

Alice

Oh! what nonsense.

Oh! What a ridiculous thing.

All the Gardeners

Go the other way!

Go the opposite way!

Alice

[Re-enters in dismay and dashes out to the left.]

[Enters again, upset, and rushes out to the left.]

She’s running away from me.

[The White Queen backs in from right and Alice backs in from left. They meet. The gardeners cry “The Queen” and throw themselves flat upon the ground; their backs are like the backs of the rest of the pack. Music stops. Alice looks at the Queen curiously.]

[The White Queen steps in from the right and Alice steps in from the left. They meet. The gardeners shout “The Queen” and throw themselves flat on the ground; their backs look like those of the rest of the group. The music stops. Alice looks at the Queen with curiosity.]

[Pg 105]
Alice

Oh, there you are! Why, I’m just the size I was when I saw you last.

Oh, there you are! Well, I’m exactly the same size I was when I saw you last.

White Queen

Of course you are, and who are these? I can’t tell them by their backs.

Of course you are, but who are they? I can't recognize them just from their backs.

[She turns them over with her foot.]

She kicks them over with her foot.

Turn over. Ah! I thought so! Get up! What have you been doing here?

Turn over. Ah! I knew it! Get up! What have you been doing here?

Two-Spot

May it please your Majesty, we were trying—

White Queen

[Examines rose.]

[Looks at rose.]

I see! Begone, or I’ll send the horses after you, and tell the Queen of Hearts.

I get it! Leave now, or I’ll set the horses on you and tell the Queen of Hearts.

[Gardeners rush off. The Red Queen enters. Alice has gone to the mushroom again to look at its sides and there to her amazement finds a gold crown and scepter, which she immediately appropriates. Music. The Queens watch Alice superciliously. Alice puts on her crown, proudly exclaiming in great elation, “Queen Alice,” and walks down stage bowing right and left to the homage of imaginary subjects. She repeats as if scarcely daring to believe it true, “Queen Alice.” Music stops.]

[Gardeners hurry away. The Red Queen enters. Alice has gone back to the mushroom to examine its sides and is astonished to find a gold crown and scepter, which she quickly takes. Music. The Queens look at Alice with disdain. Alice puts on her crown, proudly declaring with great excitement, “Queen Alice,” and walks downstage, bowing to her imaginary subjects on both sides. She repeats as if barely believing it’s true, “Queen Alice.” Music stops.]

[Pg 106]
Red Queen

Ridiculous!

Alice

Isn’t this the Eighth Square?

Isn’t this the 8th Square?

Red Queen

You can’t be a Queen, you know, till you’ve passed the proper examination.

You can't become a Queen, you know, until you've taken the right test.

White Queen

The sooner we begin it, the better.

The sooner we start, the better.

Alice

Please, would you tell me—

Could you tell me—

Red Queen

Speak when you’re spoken to.

Speak when addressed.

Alice

But if everybody obeyed that rule, and if you only spoke when you were spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see nobody would ever say anything, so that—

But if everyone followed that rule, and if you only spoke when someone spoke to you, and the other person always waited for you to start, then you see nobody would ever say anything, so that—

Red Queen

Preposterous.

Ridiculous.

[Pg 107]
Alice

I only said “if.”

I just said “if.”

Red Queen

She says she only said “if.”

She says she just said "if."

White Queen

[Moans and wrings her hands.]

Moans and wrings her hands.

But she said a great deal more than that. Ah, yes, so much more than that.

But she said a lot more than that. Oh, yes, so much more than that.

Red Queen

So you did, you know; always speak the truth—think before you speak—and write it down afterwards.

So you did, you know; always tell the truth—think before you talk—and write it down afterward.

Alice

I’m sure I didn’t mean—

I'm sure I didn't intend—

Red Queen

That’s just what I complained of. You should have meant! What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning—and a child’s more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn’t deny that, even if you tried with both hands.

That’s exactly what I was complaining about. You should have understood! What do you think the point of a child is if there’s no meaning behind it? Even a joke should have some meaning—and a child is more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn’t deny that, even if you tried with both hands.

Alice

I don’t deny things with my hands.

[Pg 108]
Red Queen

Red Queen

Nobody said you did. I said you couldn’t if you tried.

Nobody said you did. I said you wouldn’t be able to, even if you tried.

White Queen

She’s in that state of mind, that she wants to deny something—only she doesn’t know what to deny!

She’s in a mindset where she wants to deny something—but she doesn’t know what to deny!

Red Queen

A nasty, vicious temper. I invite you to Alice’s dinner party this afternoon.

A nasty, vicious temper. I’m inviting you to Alice’s dinner party this afternoon.

White Queen

And I invite you.

And I invite you.

Alice

I didn’t know I was to have a party at all; but if there is to be one, I think I ought to invite the guests.

I had no idea I was supposed to have a party at all; but if there's going to be one, I think I should invite the guests.

Red Queen

We gave you the opportunity of doing it, but I dare say you’ve not had many lessons in manners yet.

We gave you the chance to do it, but I have to say you probably haven't had many lessons in etiquette yet.

Alice

Manners are not taught in lessons; lessons teach you to do sums, and things of that sort.

Manners aren't taught in classes; classes teach you to do math and things like that.

White Queen

Can you do addition? What’s one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?

Can you do addition? What’s one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one?

[Pg 109]
Alice

I don’t know. I lost count.

I don't know. I've lost track.

Red Queen

She can’t do addition; can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight.

She can't add; can you subtract? Take nine away from eight.

Alice

Nine from eight I can’t, you know, but—

Nine from eight I can't, you know, but—

White Queen

She can’t do subtraction. Can you do division? Divide a loaf by a knife—what’s the answer to that?

She can't subtract. Can you divide? If you divide a loaf by a knife—what's that equal?

Alice

I suppose—

I guess—

Red Queen

[Answers for her.]

[Her answers.]

Bread and butter, of course. Try another subtraction sum. Take a bone from a dog; what remains?

Bread and butter, of course. Try another subtraction problem. Take a bone from a dog; what’s left?

Alice

The bone wouldn’t remain, of course, if I took it—and the dog wouldn’t remain; it would come to bite me—and I’m sure I shouldn’t remain.

The bone wouldn’t stay, of course, if I took it—and the dog wouldn’t stay either; it would come to bite me—and I’m sure I shouldn’t stay.

[Pg 110]
Red Queen

Then you think nothing would remain?

Then you think nothing would be left?

Alice

I think that’s the answer.

I think that’s the solution.

Red Queen

Wrong as usual; the dog’s temper would remain.

Wrong as always; the dog's temperament would stay the same.

Alice

But I don’t see how—

But I don’t get how—

Red Queen

Why, look here; the dog would lose its temper, wouldn’t it?

Why, look at this; the dog would get angry, wouldn’t it?

Alice

Perhaps it would.

Maybe it would.

Red Queen

Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain!

Then if the dog left, its mood would stay!

Alice

They might go different ways! What dreadful nonsense we are talking.

They might choose different paths! What ridiculous nonsense we are discussing.

Both Queens

She can’t do sums a bit!

She can't do math at all!

[Pg 111]
Alice

Can you do sums?

Can you do math?

White Queen

I can do addition, if you give me time—but I can’t do subtraction under any circumstances.

I can do addition if you give me some time—but I can’t do subtraction under any circumstances.

Red Queen

Of course you know your A, B, C?

Of course you know your ABCs?

Alice

To be sure I do.

Absolutely, I do.

White Queen

So do I; we’ll often say it over together, dear. And I’ll tell you a secret—I can read words of one letter. Isn’t that grand? However, don’t be discouraged. You’ll come to it in time.

So do I; we often say it together, dear. And I'll let you in on a secret—I can read one-letter words. Isn't that awesome? But don't get discouraged. You'll get there eventually.

Red Queen

Can you answer useful questions? How is bread made?

Can you answer helpful questions? How is bread made?

Alice

I know that! You take some flour—

I know that! You grab some flour—

White Queen

Where do you pick the flower? In a garden or in the hedges?

Where do you pick the flower? In a garden or from the bushes?

[Pg 112]
Alice

Well, it isn’t picked at all. It’s ground—

White Queen

How many acres of ground? You mustn’t leave out so many things.

How many acres of land? You shouldn’t skip over so many details.

Red Queen

Fan her head! She’ll be feverish after so much thinking.

Fan her head! She’s going to feel hot after all that thinking.

[They fan her with bunches of leaves which blow her hair wildly.]

[i]They fan her with clusters of leaves, making her hair fly around wildly.[/i]

Alice

Please—please—

Red Queen

She’s all right again now. Do you know languages? What’s the French for fiddle-de-dee?

She’s okay again now. Do you know any languages? What’s the French term for fiddle-de-dee?

Alice

Fiddle-de-dee’s not English.

Fiddle-de-dee isn’t English.

Red Queen

Who ever said it was?

Who said it was?

Alice

If you tell me what language fiddle-de-dee is, I’ll tell you the French for it!

If you tell me what language "fiddle-de-dee" is from, I’ll tell you the French word for it!

[Pg 113]
Red Queen

Queens never make bargains!

Queens don't make deals!

Alice

I wish Queens never asked questions!

I wish queens would stop asking questions!

White Queen

Don’t let us quarrel; what is the cause of lightning?

Don’t let’s argue; what causes lightning?

Alice

The cause of lightning is the thunder—no, no! I meant the other way.

The cause of lightning is thunder—no, wait! I meant the other way around.

Red Queen

It’s too late to correct it; when you’ve once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences.

It’s too late to fix it; once you say something, it’s set in stone, and you have to deal with the consequences.

White Queen

We had such a thunderstorm next Tuesday, you can’t think.

We had such a thunderstorm last Tuesday, you wouldn’t believe it.

Red Queen

She never could, you know.

She could never, you know.

White Queen

Part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in—and it went rolling round the room in great lumps—and knocking over the tables and things—till I was so frightened, I couldn’t remember my own name!

Part of the roof came off, and a lot of thunder got in—it rolled around the room in big chunks, knocking over tables and other stuff—until I was so scared, I couldn’t remember my own name!

[Pg 114]
Alice

I never should try to remember my name in the middle of an accident. Where would be the use of it?

I should never try to remember my name during an accident. What good would that do?

Red Queen

You must excuse her. She means well, but she can’t help saying foolish things, as a general rule. She never was really well brought up, but it’s amazing how good tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see how pleased she’ll be! A little kindness and putting her hair in papers would do wonders with her.

You have to excuse her. She has good intentions, but she tends to say silly things, generally speaking. She was never really raised properly, but it’s impressive how good-natured she is! Just pat her on the head, and you’ll see how happy she’ll be! A little kindness and putting her hair in curlers would work wonders for her.

White Queen

[Gives a deep sigh and leans her head on Alice’s shoulder.]

[Lets out a deep sigh and rests her head on Alice's shoulder.]

I am so sleepy!

I'm so sleepy!

Red Queen

She’s tired, poor thing; smooth her hair—lend her your night cap—and sing her a soothing lullaby.

She's tired, poor thing; stroke her hair—give her your nightcap—and sing her a calming lullaby.

Alice

I haven’t got a night cap with me, and I don’t know any soothing lullabies.

I don’t have a nightcap with me, and I don’t know any calming lullabies.

Larger Image

Alice: Do wake up, you heavy things!

Alice: Come on, wake up, you sleepyheads!

Red Queen

I must do it myself, then.

I guess I'll have to do it myself, then.

[Pg 115] Hush-a-by lady, in Alice’s lap!
Till the feast’s ready, we’ve time for a nap;
When the feast’s over, we’ll go to the ball—
Red Queen and White Queen and Alice and all!

[Pg 115] Sleep well, lady, in Alice’s lap!
While we wait for the feast, we have time for a nap;
Once the feast is done, we’ll head to the ball—
Red Queen, White Queen, Alice, and everyone!

And now you know the words.

[She puts her head on Alice’s other shoulder.]

[She rests her head on Alice's other shoulder.]

Just sing it through to me. I’m getting sleepy too.

Just sing it to me. I’m feeling sleepy too.

[Both queens fall fast asleep and snore loudly.]

[i]Both queens quickly fall asleep and snore loudly.[/i]

Alice

What am I to do? Take care of two Queens asleep at once? Do wake up, you heavy things!

What am I supposed to do? Take care of two Queens who are both asleep at the same time? Come on, wake up, you heavyweights!

[All lights go out, leaving a mysterious glow on Alice and the queens.]

[All the lights turn off, leaving a mysterious glow on Alice and the queens.]

White Rabbit

[Blows trumpet off stage.]

[Plays trumpet off stage.]

The trial’s beginning!

The trial is starting!

Alice

What trial is it?

Which trial is it?

White Rabbit

Who stole the tarts.

Who took the tarts?

Alice

I ate a tart.

I had a tart.

[Pg 116]
White Rabbit

You’ve got to be tried.

You need to be tested.

Alice

I don’t want to be tried.

I don’t want to go to trial.

White Rabbit

You’ve got to be tried.

You have to be tested.

Alice

I won’t be tried—I won’t-I won’t!

I won't be put on trial—I won't—I won't!

SCENE TWO

Is a court room suggesting playing cards. The jurymen are all kinds of creatures. The King and Queen of Hearts are seated on the throne. The Knave is before them in chains. The White Rabbit has a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the court stands a table with a large dish of tarts upon it.

The courtroom looks like a place for playing cards. The jurors are all sorts of creatures. The King and Queen of Hearts are sitting on the throne. The Rogue is in front of them in chains. The White Rabbit has a trumpet in one hand and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the center of the courtroom stands a table with a big dish of tarts on it.

White Rabbit

[Blows three blasts on his trumpet.]

[Blows three times on his trumpet.]

Silence in the court!

Order in the court!

Alice

[Watches jurymen writing busily on their slates.]

[Jurors are busy writing on their notepads.]

What are they doing? They can’t have anything to put down yet, before the trial’s begun.

What are they doing? They can't have anything to say yet, before the trial has started.

[Pg 117]
Knave

Knave

They’re putting down their names for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial.

They’re writing down their names because they’re worried they might forget them before the trial is over.

Alice

Stupid things!

Dumb stuff!

White Rabbit

Silence in the court!

Quiet in the courtroom!

Jurors

[Write in chorus.]

[Sing together.]

Stupid things!

Dumb things!

One Juror

How do you spell stupid?

Alice

A nice muddle their slates will be in before the trial’s over.

Their slates will be a real mess by the time the trial is over.

Queen

There’s a pencil squeaking. Cut it down!

There’s a pencil squeaking. Stop it!

Jurors

[In chorus as they write.]

In unison as they write.

Squeaking—

[Pg 118]
King

[Wears a crown over his wig; puts on his spectacles as he says.]

Wears a crown over his wig; puts on his glasses as he says.

Herald, read the accusation!

Herald, check out the accusation!

White Rabbit

[Blows three blasts on his trumpet, unrolls parchment scroll and reads to music.]

[Plays three loud notes on his trumpet, unfurls a parchment scroll, and reads along with the music.]

[Pg 119] The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer day;
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,
And took them quite away!

[Pg 119] The Queen of Hearts baked some tarts,
All on a summer day;
The Knave of Hearts stole those tarts,
And took them immediately!

King

Consider your verdict!

Think about your decision!

White Rabbit

Not yet, not yet; there’s a great deal to come before that.

Not yet, not yet; there's still a lot to happen before that.

King

Call the first witness.

White Rabbit

First witness!

Hatter

[Comes in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other.]

[Walks in holding a teacup in one hand and a slice of bread with butter in the other.]

I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in, but I hadn’t quite finished my tea when I was sent for.

I’m sorry, your Majesty, for bringing these in, but I hadn’t completely finished my tea when I was called.

King

You ought to have finished; when did you begin?

You should have finished; when did you start?

Hatter

[Looks at the March Hare, who follows him arm-in-arm with the Dormouse.]

[Pg 120]Fourteenth of March, I think it was.

March 14th, I think.

March Hare

Fifteenth.

15th.

Dormouse

Sixteenth.

King

Write that down.

Note it down.

Jury

Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen—forty-five. Reduce that to shillings—

Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen—forty-five. Change that to shillings—

King

Take off your hat.

Remove your hat.

Hatter

It isn’t mine.

Not mine.

King

Stolen!

Jury

Stolen!

Hatter

I keep them to sell. I’ve none of my own. I’m a hatter.

I keep them to sell. I don’t have any of my own. I’m a hat maker.

[Pg 121]
Queen of Hearts

Queen of Hearts

[Puts on her spectacles and stares at Hatter, who fidgets uncomfortably.]

[Puts on her glasses and looks at Hatter, who shifts uncomfortably.]

King

Give your evidence and don’t be nervous, or I’ll have you executed on the spot.

Present your evidence and don’t be anxious, or I’ll have you executed immediately.

[The Hatter continues to shift nervously from one foot to the other, looks uneasily at the Queen, trembles so that he shakes off both of his shoes, and in his confusion bites a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter.]

[The Mad Hatter keeps shifting nervously from one foot to the other, glances anxiously at the Queen, shakes so much that he knocks off both of his shoes, and in his panic bites a big piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter.]

Hatter

I’m a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn’t but just begun my tea—not above a week or so—and what with the bread and butter getting so thin—and the twinkling of the tea—

I’m a poor man, your Majesty, and I’ve only just started drinking tea—not more than a week ago—and with the bread and butter getting so thin—and the tea sparkling—

King

The twinkling of what?

The sparkle of what?

Hatter

It began with the tea.

It all started with tea.

King

Of course twinkling begins with a T. Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!

Of course, twinkling starts with a T. Do you think I'm clueless? Go ahead!

[Pg 122]
Hatter

Hatter

I’m a poor man and most things twinkled after that—only the March Hare said—

I’m a broke guy, and after that, everything seemed to shine—only the March Hare said—

March Hare

I didn’t!

I didn't!

Hatter

You did.

March Hare

I deny it.

I reject it.

King

He denies it; leave out that part.

He denies it; skip that part.

Queen

But what did the Dormouse say?

Hatter

That I can’t remember.

I can't remember that.

King

You must remember or I’ll have you executed.

You have to remember or I’ll have you killed.

Hatter

[Drops teacup and bread and butter and goes down on one knee.]

[Lets go of the teacup and bread and butter and kneels down.]

[Pg 123]I’m a poor man, your Majesty.

[Pg 123]I’m a broke guy, your Majesty.

King

If that’s all you know about it you may stand down.

If that's all you know about it, you can step back.

Hatter

I can’t go no lower; I’m on the floor as it is.

I can't go any lower; I'm on the floor as it is.

King

Then you may sit down.

Now you can sit down.

Hatter

I’d rather finish my tea.

King

You may go.

You're free to go.

[The Hatter goes out hurriedly, leaving one of his shoes behind.]

[The Hat maker rushes out, leaving one of his shoes behind.]

Queen

[Nonchalantly to an officer.]

[Casually to an officer.]

And just take his head off outside.

And just cut his head off outside.

[But the Hatter was out of sight before the officer could get to the door.]

[But the Mad Hatter was gone before the officer could reach the door.]

King

Call the next witness!

Bring in the next witness!

[Pg 124]
White Rabbit

White Rabbit

Next witness!

[The Duchess enters with a pepper pot, which she shakes about. Everybody begins to sneeze. March Hare sneezes and rushes out.]

[The Duchess walks in with a pepper shaker, which she shakes around. Everyone starts to sneeze. March Hare sneezes and runs out.]

King

Give your evidence!

Share your proof!

Duchess

Shan’t!

Won't!

White Rabbit

Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness.

You must cross-examine this witness.

King

Well, if I must, I must. What does your cook say tarts are made of?

Well, if I have to, I have to. What does your cook say tarts are made of?

Duchess

Pepper.

[The Duchess shakes the pot and the court sneezes.]

Dormouse

Treacle!

Syrup!

[The Duchess shakes the pot at him. He sneezes for the first time.]

[Pg 125]
Queen

Collar the Dormouse! Behead the Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!

Collar the Dormouse! Behead the Dormouse! Get that Dormouse out of here! Shut him down! Pinch him! Cut off his whiskers!

[The whole court is in confusion, turning the Dormouse out, and while it is settling down again the Duchess disappears.]

[The entire court is in chaos, getting rid of the Dormouse and while everyone is settling down again, the Duchess vanishes.]

White Rabbit

The Duchess!

Court

She’s gone—she’s gone.

She's gone—she's gone.

King

Never mind!

Forget it!

[In a low tone to the Queen.]

[i>In a low voice to the Queen.]

Really, my dear, you must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache! Call the next witness!

Honestly, my dear, you need to question the next witness. It's giving me a headache! Bring in the next witness!

White Rabbit

[Fumbles with the parchment, then cries in a shrill little voice.]

[Struggles with the paper, then shouts in a high-pitched voice.]

Alice!

Alice

Here!

[Pg 126]
King

What do you know about this business?

What do you know about this company?

Alice

Nothing whatever.

Nothing at all.

King

[To the jury.]

To the jury.

That’s very important.

That’s really important.

White Rabbit

Unimportant, your Majesty means, of course.

King

Unimportant, of course I meant. Important—unimportant—unimportant—important. Consider your verdict!

Unimportant, of course I meant. Important—unimportant—unimportant—important. Think about your verdict!

[Some of the jury write “important” and some write “unimportant.”]

Some of the jurors write "important" and some write "unimportant."

White Rabbit

There’s more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty; this paper has just been picked up.

There’s more evidence to come, Your Majesty; this paper has just been found.

Queen

What’s in it?

What's inside it?

White Rabbit

[Fumbles with a huge envelope.]

Fumbling with a giant envelope.

[Pg 127]I haven’t opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to—to somebody.

[Pg 127]I haven't opened it yet, but it looks like a letter, written by the prisoner to someone.

King

It must have been that unless it was written to nobody, which isn’t usual, you know.

It must have been unless it was addressed to nobody, which isn't common, you know.

Alice

Who is it directed to?

Who is it for?

White Rabbit

It isn’t directed at all; in fact, there’s nothing written on the outside.

It’s not aimed at anything; actually, there’s nothing written on the outside.

[Takes out a tiny piece of paper.]

[i]Takes out a tiny piece of paper.[/i]

It isn’t a letter at all; it’s a set of verses.

It’s not a letter at all; it’s a collection of verses.

Queen

Are they in the prisoner’s handwriting?

Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?

[The jury brightens up.]

The jury perks up.

White Rabbit

[Looks at the Knave’s hand. Knave hides his hand; the chains rattle.]

[Looks at the Rogue’s hand. Scoundrel hides his hand; the chains rattle.]

No, they’re not, and that’s the queerest thing about it.

No, they’re not, and that’s the weirdest thing about it.

[The jury looks puzzled.]

The jury looks confused.

King

He must have imitated somebody else’s hand!

He must have copied someone else's handwriting!

[Pg 128]
Knave

Knave

Please, your Majesty, I didn’t write it and they can’t prove I did; there’s no name signed at the end.

Please, your Majesty, I didn't write it, and they can't prove I did; there's no name signed at the end.

King

If you didn’t sign it that only makes the matter worse. You must have meant some mischief, or else you’d have signed your name like an honest man.

If you didn’t sign it, that just makes things worse. You must have had some bad intentions, or else you would have signed your name like an honest person.

[At this there is a general clapping of hands.]

[i]At this, everyone starts clapping their hands.[/i]

Queen

That proves his guilt.

That proves his guilt.

Alice

It proves nothing of the sort! Why, you don’t even know what they’re about.

It doesn’t prove anything like that! Seriously, you don't even know what they're about.

King

Read them!

White Rabbit

[Puts on his monocle.]

[Puts on his glasses.]

Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?

Where should I start, your Majesty?

King

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end, then stop.

Start at the beginning and keep going until you reach the end, then stop.

[Pg 129]
White Rabbit

White Rabbit

“They told me you had been to her,
And mentioned me to him;
She gave me a good character,
But said I could not swim.

“I gave her one, they gave him two,
You gave us three or more;
They all returned from him to you,
Though they were mine before.

“My notion was that you had been
(Before she had this fit)
An obstacle that came between
Him, and ourselves, and it.

“Don’t let him know she liked him best,
For this must ever be
A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me.”

“They told me you had visited her,
And mentioned me to him;
She gave me a good recommendation,
But said I couldn't swim.

“I gave her one, they gave him two,
You gave us three or more.
They all went back from him to you,
Even though they used to belong to me.

“My belief was that you had been
(Before she had this problem)
An obstacle that stood between
Him, us, and it.

“Don’t let him know she preferred him,
Because this has to be
A secret, kept from everyone else,
"Just between us."

King

That’s the most important piece of evidence we’ve heard yet; so now let the jury—

That’s the most important piece of evidence we’ve heard so far; so now let the jury—

Alice

If anyone of them can explain it, I’ll give him sixpence. I don’t believe there’s an atom of meaning in it.

If anyone can explain it, I'll give him sixpence. I don't think there's a bit of meaning in it.

[Pg 130]
Jury

She doesn’t believe there’s an atom of meaning in it.

She doesn’t believe there’s any meaning in it at all.

King

If there’s no meaning in it, that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn’t try to find any. And yet I don’t know.

If there’s no meaning in it, that saves a lot of trouble, you know, since we don’t have to try to find any. And yet I don’t know.

[Spreads out the verses on his knee and studies them.]

[i]Spreads out the verses on his lap and studies them.[/i]

I seem to see some meaning after all. “Said I could not swim.” You can’t swim, can you?

I think I finally see some meaning. “You said I couldn’t swim.” You can’t swim, right?

Knave

Rogue

[Shakes his head sadly and points to his suit.]

He shakes his head sadly and points to his suit.

Do I look like it?

Do I look like that?

King

All right, so far; “We know it to be true,” that’s the jury, of course; “I gave her one, they gave him two” why that must be what he did with the tarts, you know—

All right, so far; “We know it’s true,” that’s the jury, obviously; “I gave her one, they gave him two” — that must be what he did with the tarts, you know—

Alice

But it goes on “they all returned from him to you.”

But it continues, "they all came back from him to you."

King

[Triumphantly pointing to the tarts.]

Pointing triumphantly at the tarts.

Why, there they are! Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again, “before she had this fit,” you never had fits, my dear, I think?

Why, there they are! Nothing could be clearer than that. Then again, “before she had this fit,” you never had fits, my dear, did you?

[Pg 131]
Queen

Never!

King

Then the words don’t fit you.

Then the words don’t suit you.

[There is dead silence, while the King looks around at the court with a smile.]

[There's complete silence as the King looks around the court with a smile.]

King

It’s a pun!

It's a play on words!

[Everybody laughs. Music.]

[Everyone laughs. Music.]

King

Let the jury consider their verdict.

Let the jury think about their verdict.

Queen

No, no! Sentence first—verdict afterwards.

No, no! Sentence first—judgment afterwards.

Alice

Stuff and nonsense!

Nonsense!

Queen

[Furiously.]

[Furious.]

Hold your tongue!

Bite your tongue!

Alice

I won’t!

I won't!

[Pg 132]
Queen

Off with her head!

Alice

Who cares for you?

Who looks out for you?

Queen

Cut it off!

Cut it out!

Alice

You’re nothing but a pack of cards!

You’re just a deck of cards!

[As lights go out and curtain falls all the characters hold their positions as if petrified.]

As the lights go out and the curtain falls, all the characters freeze in place as if they were statues.

CURTAIN

SCENE THREE

[The curtain rises to show Alice still asleep in the armchair, the fire in the grate suffusing her with its glow.]

[The curtain rises to show Alice still asleep in the armchair, the fire in the grate warming her with its glow.]

Carroll

Wake up, Alice, it is time for tea.

Wake up, Alice, it's time for tea.

[Off stage the characters repeat their most characteristic lines, “Off with her head,” “Consider your verdict,” “Oh! my fur and whiskers”; the Duchess sneezes, the cat cries,[Pg 133] as if the characters were fading away into the pack of real playing cards which shower through the mirror all over Alice. There is music.]

[Offstage, the characters repeat their most iconic lines, "Off with her head," "Consider your verdict," "Oh! my fur and whiskers"; the Duchess sneezes, the cat cries,[Pg 133] as if the characters are fading away into the deck of real playing cards that rain down through the mirror all over Alice There's music.]

Alice

[Wakes, rises, and looks about in surprise and wonderment.]

[Wakes up, sits up, and looks around in surprise and amazement.]

Why——it was a dream!

Why—it was a dream!

CURTAIN

Text of title page:

Alice
in
Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland

A dramatization of Lewis Carroll’s
“Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” and
“Through the Looking Glass”

A performance of Lewis Carroll's
“Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” and
“Through the Looking Glass”

by
Alice Gerstenberg
Author of
“The Conscience of Sarah Platt”,
“Unquenched Fire,” “A Little World,” etc.

by
Alice Gerstenberg
Author of
“The Conscience of Sarah Platt,”
“Unquenched Fire,” “A Little World,” etc.

Chicago
A.C.Mc.Clurg & Co.
1915

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