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THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL

A comedy in five acts

By Nicolay Gogol

Translated by Thomas Seltzer from the Russian

INTRODUCTION

CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY

DIRECTIONS FOR ACTORS

THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL

INTRODUCTION

The Inspector-General is a national institution. To place a purely literary valuation upon it and call it the greatest of Russian comedies would not convey the significance of its position either in Russian literature or in Russian life itself. There is no other single work in the modern literature of any language that carries with it the wealth of associations which the Inspector-General does to the educated Russian. The Germans have their Faust; but Faust is a tragedy with a cosmic philosophic theme. In England it takes nearly all that is implied in the comprehensive name of Shakespeare to give the same sense of bigness that a Russian gets from the mention of the Revizor.

The Inspector-General is a national institution. To evaluate it purely as a literary work and declare it the greatest of Russian comedies wouldn’t do justice to its importance in Russian literature or in Russian life itself. There’s no other single piece in modern literature from any language that holds the same depth of associations for educated Russians as the Inspector-General. The Germans have their Faust, but Faust is a tragedy with a profound philosophical theme. In England, it takes all the complexities suggested by the broad name of Shakespeare to evoke the same sense of significance that a Russian feels from just mentioning the Revizor.

That is not to say that the Russian is so defective in the critical faculty as to balance the combined creative output of the greatest English dramatist against Gogol's one comedy, or even to attribute to it the literary value of any of Shakespeare's better plays. What the Russian's appreciation indicates is the pregnant role that literature plays in the life of intellectual Russia. Here literature is not a luxury, not a diversion. It is bone of the bone, flesh of the flesh, not only of the intelligentsia, but also of a growing number of the common people, intimately woven into their everyday existence, part and parcel of their thoughts, their aspirations, their social, political and economic life. It expresses their collective wrongs and sorrows, their collective hopes and strivings. Not only does it serve to lead the movements of the masses, but it is an integral component element of those movements. In a word, Russian literature is completely bound up with the life of Russian society, and its vitality is but the measure of the spiritual vitality of that society.

That’s not to say that Russians lack the ability to compare the creative works of the greatest English playwright to Gogol's single comedy, or to assign it the literary merit of any of Shakespeare's best plays. What their appreciation reveals is the significant role literature plays in the life of intellectual Russia. Here, literature isn't a luxury or a pastime. It’s a fundamental part of not just the intelligentsia but also an increasing number of ordinary people, intricately woven into their daily lives, and integral to their thoughts, aspirations, and social, political, and economic realities. It reflects their shared injustices and sorrows, as well as their hopes and struggles. Literature not only guides the movements of the masses; it is a crucial part of those movements. In short, Russian literature is deeply intertwined with the life of Russian society, and its vitality is a reflection of the spiritual vitality of that society.

This unique character of Russian literature may be said to have had its beginning with the Inspector-General. Before Gogol most Russian writers, with few exceptions, were but weak imitators of foreign models. The drama fashioned itself chiefly upon French patterns. The Inspector-General and later Gogol's novel, Dead Souls, established that tradition in Russian letters which was followed by all the great writers from Dostoyevsky down to Gorky.

This unique aspect of Russian literature can be traced back to the Inspector-General. Before Gogol, most Russian writers, with some exceptions, were just poor imitators of foreign styles. The drama was mostly based on French examples. The Inspector-General, along with Gogol's later novel, Dead Souls, set a tradition in Russian literature that was embraced by all the major writers from Dostoyevsky to Gorky.

As with one blow, Gogol shattered the notions of the theatre-going public of his day of what a comedy should be. The ordinary idea of a play at that time in Russia seems to have been a little like our own tired business man's. And the shock the Revizor gave those early nineteenth-century Russian audiences is not unlike the shocks we ourselves get when once in a while a theatrical manager is courageous enough to produce a bold modern European play. Only the intensity of the shock was much greater. For Gogol dared not only bid defiance to the accepted method; he dared to introduce a subject-matter that under the guise of humor audaciously attacked the very foundation of the state, namely, the officialdom of the Russian bureaucracy. That is why the Revizor marks such a revolution in the world of Russian letters. In form it was realistic, in substance it was vital. It showed up the rottenness and corruption of the instruments through which the Russian government functioned. It held up to ridicule, directly, all the officials of a typical Russian municipality, and, indirectly, pointed to the same system of graft and corruption among the very highest servants of the crown.

With one strike, Gogol shattered the expectations of the theater-going public of his time regarding what a comedy should be. The common idea of a play in Russia back then was somewhat similar to our own weary businessman's perspective today. The shock that "The Government Inspector" gave those early nineteenth-century Russian audiences is comparable to the surprises we experience when a theatrical manager dares to stage a bold modern European play. However, the intensity of that shock was much stronger. Gogol not only defied the accepted methods; he also introduced subject matter that, disguised as humor, audaciously attacked the very foundation of the state—namely, the officialdom of the Russian bureaucracy. That’s why "The Government Inspector" represents such a revolution in the world of Russian literature. In form, it was realistic; in substance, it was crucial. It exposed the decay and corruption within the mechanisms of the Russian government. It directly mocked all the officials of a typical Russian municipality and indirectly pointed to the same system of graft and corruption among the highest officials of the crown.

What wonder that the Inspector-General became a sort of comedy-epic in the land of the Czars, the land where each petty town-governor is almost an absolute despot, regulating his persecutions and extortions according to the sage saying of the town-governor in the play, "That's the way God made the world, and the Voltairean free-thinkers can talk against it all they like, it won't do any good." Every subordinate in the town administration, all the way down the line to the policemen, follow—not always so scrupulously—the law laid down by the same authority, "Graft no higher than your rank." As in city and town, so in village and hamlet. It is the tragedy of Russian life, which has its roots in that more comprehensive tragedy, Russian despotism, the despotism that gives the sharp edge to official corruption. For there is no possible redress from it except in violent revolutions.

It's no surprise that the Inspector-General turned into a kind of comedy-epic in the land of the Czars, where each small-town governor is nearly a complete dictator, carrying out their own persecutions and extortions based on the wise words of the town-governor in the play, "That's how God made the world, and the Voltairean free-thinkers can complain all they want, but it won't change anything." Every official in the town administration, down to the police, mostly follow—though not always perfectly—the rule set by the same authority, "Don't take bribes higher than your rank." It’s the same in cities and towns as it is in villages and hamlets. This reflects the tragedy of Russian life, rooted in the larger tragedy of Russian despotism, the kind of despotism that sharpens official corruption. Because there’s no way to fix it except through violent revolutions.

That is the prime reason why the Inspector-General, a mere comedy, has such a hold on the Russian people and occupies so important a place in Russian literature. And that is why a Russian critic says, "Russia possesses only one comedy, the Inspector-General."

That’s the main reason why the Inspector-General, a simple comedy, resonates so deeply with the Russian people and holds such an important spot in Russian literature. That's why a Russian critic states, "Russia has only one comedy, the Inspector-General."

The second reason is the brilliancy and originality with which this national theme was executed. Gogol was above all else the artist. He was not a radical, nor even a liberal. He was strictly conservative. While hating the bureaucracy, yet he never found fault with the system itself or with the autocracy. Like most born artists, he was strongly individualistic in temperament, and his satire and ridicule were aimed not at causes, but at effects. Let but the individuals act morally, and the system, which Gogol never questioned, would work beautifully. This conception caused Gogol to concentrate his best efforts upon delineation of character. It was the characters that were to be revealed, their actions to be held up to scorn and ridicule, not the conditions which created the characters and made them act as they did. If any lesson at all was to be drawn from the play it was not a sociological lesson, but a moral one. The individual who sees himself mirrored in it may be moved to self-purgation; society has nothing to learn from it.

The second reason is the brilliance and originality with which this national theme was executed. Gogol was primarily an artist. He wasn’t a radical or even a liberal; he was strictly conservative. While he despised the bureaucracy, he never criticized the system itself or the autocracy. Like most true artists, he had a strong individualistic temperament, and his satire was directed not at the causes but at the effects. If individuals acted morally, then the system, which Gogol never questioned, would operate beautifully. This perspective led Gogol to focus his best efforts on character portrayal. It was the characters he aimed to expose, their actions deserving of scorn and ridicule, rather than the conditions that created the characters and influenced their behavior. If there was any lesson to be drawn from the play, it wasn’t sociological but moral. The individual who sees themselves reflected in it may feel compelled to improve themselves; society has nothing to learn from it.

Yet the play lives because of the social message it carries. The creation proved greater than the creator. The author of the Revizor was a poor critic of his own work. The Russian people rejected his estimate and put their own upon it. They knew their officials and they entertained no illusions concerning their regeneration so long as the system that bred them continued to live. Nevertheless, as a keen satire and a striking exposition of the workings of the hated system itself, they hailed the Revizor with delight. And as such it has remained graven in Russia's conscience to this day.

Yet the play endures because of the social message it conveys. The creation proved to be greater than its creator. The author of the Revizor was a poor critic of his own work. The Russian people dismissed his assessment and formed their own. They knew their officials well and held no illusions about their reformation as long as the system that produced them remained in place. However, as a sharp satire and a vivid portrayal of the workings of the despised system itself, they embraced the Revizor with enthusiasm. And as such, it has remained etched in Russia's conscience to this day.

It must be said that "Gogol himself grew with the writing of the Revizor." Always a careful craftsman, scarcely ever satisfied with the first version of a story or a play, continually changing and rewriting, he seems to have bestowed special attention on perfecting this comedy. The subject, like that of Dead Souls, was suggested to him by the poet Pushkin, and was based on a true incident. Pushkin at once recognized Gogol's genius and looked upon the young author as the rising star of Russian literature. Their acquaintance soon ripened into intimate friendship, and Pushkin missed no opportunity to encourage and stimulate him in his writings and help him with all the power of his great influence. Gogol began to work on the play at the close of 1834, when he was twenty-five years old. It was first produced in St. Petersburg, in 1836. Despite the many elaborations it had undergone before Gogol permitted it to be put on the stage, he still did not feel satisfied, and he began to work on it again in 1838. It was not brought down to its present final form until 1842.

It should be noted that "Gogol himself developed alongside the writing of The Government Inspector." Always a meticulous craftsman, rarely content with the initial draft of a story or play, and constantly revising and rewriting, he seems to have put special effort into perfecting this comedy. The theme, similar to that of Dead Souls, was suggested to him by the poet Pushkin and was based on a true event. Pushkin quickly recognized Gogol's talent and viewed the young writer as a rising star in Russian literature. Their relationship soon blossomed into a close friendship, and Pushkin took every chance to encourage and inspire him in his writing, using all the influence he had. Gogol started working on the play at the end of 1834 when he was twenty-five years old. It was first performed in St. Petersburg in 1836. Despite the numerous revisions it went through before Gogol allowed it to be staged, he still wasn't satisfied and began working on it again in 1838. It wasn't finalized into its current version until 1842.

Thus the Revizor occupied the mind of the author over a period of eight years, and resulted in a product which from the point of view of characterization and dramatic technique is almost flawless. Yet far more important is the fact that the play marked an epoch in Gogol's own literary development. When he began on it, his ambitions did not rise above making it a comedy of pure fun, but, gradually, in the course of his working on it, the possibilities of the subject unfolded themselves and influenced his entire subsequent career. His art broadened and deepened and grew more serious. If Pushkin's remark, that "behind his laughter you feel the sad tears," is true of some of Gogol's former productions, it is still truer of the Revizor and his later works.

The Revizor occupied the author's mind for eight years, resulting in a piece that is nearly perfect in terms of character development and dramatic technique. However, what's even more significant is that the play represented a turning point in Gogol's literary journey. When he started writing it, he aimed for a light-hearted comedy, but as he worked on it, the depth of the subject revealed itself, shaping his entire later career. His art matured and became deeper and more serious. If Pushkin's observation that "behind his laughter you feel the sad tears" applies to some of Gogol's earlier works, it rings even more true for the Revizor and his subsequent pieces.

A new life had begun for him, he tells us himself, when he was no longer "moved by childish notions, but by lofty ideas full of truth." "It was Pushkin," he writes, "who made me look at the thing seriously. I saw that in my writings I laughed vainly, for nothing, myself not knowing why. If I was to laugh, then I had better laugh over things that are really to be laughed at. In the Inspector-General I resolved to gather together all the bad in Russia I then knew into one heap, all the injustice that was practised in those places and in those human relations in which more than in anything justice is demanded of men, and to have one big laugh over it all. But that, as is well known, produced an outburst of excitement. Through my laughter, which never before came to me with such force, the reader sensed profound sorrow. I myself felt that my laughter was no longer the same as it had been, that in my writings I could no longer be the same as in the past, and that the need to divert myself with innocent, careless scenes had ended along with my young years."

A new life had begun for him, he tells us himself, when he was no longer "driven by childish ideas, but by grand thoughts filled with truth." "It was Pushkin," he writes, "who made me take things seriously. I realized that in my writings I was laughing aimlessly, for no reason, even I didn’t know why. If I was going to laugh, I might as well laugh about things that are actually worth laughing at. In the Inspector-General, I decided to collect all the negativity in Russia that I knew of into one pile, all the injustices happening in those areas and in those relationships where more than anywhere else, justice is expected from people, and have one big laugh over it all. But that, as is well known, caused an outburst of emotion. Through my laughter, which had never hit me with such intensity before, the reader felt deep sorrow. I realized that my laughter was no longer the same as it used to be, that in my writings, I could no longer be the same as before, and that the need to amuse myself with innocent, carefree scenes had ended along with my youth."

With the strict censorship that existed in the reign of Czar Nicholas I, it required powerful influence to obtain permission for the production of the comedy. This Gogol received through the instrumentality of his friend, Zhukovsky, who succeeded in gaining the Czar's personal intercession. Nicholas himself was present at the first production in April, 1836, and laughed and applauded, and is said to have remarked, "Everybody gets it, and I most of all."

With the strict censorship during Czar Nicholas I's reign, it took significant influence to get permission to produce the comedy. Gogol achieved this through his friend, Zhukovsky, who managed to secure the Czar's personal support. Nicholas was present at the first performance in April 1836 and laughed and applauded, reportedly saying, "Everyone gets it, and I especially."

Naturally official Russia did not relish this innovation in dramatic art, and indignation ran high among them and their supporters. Bulgarin led the attack. Everything that is usually said against a new departure in literature or art was said against the Revizor. It was not original. It was improbable, impossible, coarse, vulgar; lacked plot. It turned on a stale anecdote that everybody knew. It was a rank farce. The characters were mere caricatures. "What sort of a town was it that did not hold a single honest soul?"

Naturally, the official Russia didn’t like this new approach to drama, and there was a lot of anger among them and their supporters. Bulgarin led the criticism. Everything that’s usually said against a new trend in literature or art was said against the Revizor. It wasn’t original. It was unlikely, impossible, crude, and vulgar; it had no real plot. It revolved around an old joke that everyone already knew. It was a total farce. The characters were just caricatures. "What kind of town is it that doesn’t have a single honest person?"

Gogol's sensitive nature shrank before the tempest that burst upon him, and he fled from his enemies all the way out of Russia. "Do what you please about presenting the play in Moscow," he writes to Shchepkin four days after its first production in St. Petersburg. "I am not going to bother about it. I am sick of the play and all the fussing over it. It produced a great noisy effect. All are against me... they abuse me and go to see it. No tickets can be obtained for the fourth performance."

Gogol's sensitive nature withered in the storm that hit him, and he ran from his enemies all the way out of Russia. "Do whatever you want about presenting the play in Moscow," he writes to Shchepkin four days after its first production in St. Petersburg. "I’m not going to worry about it. I'm tired of the play and all the drama surrounding it. It made a big splash. Everyone is against me... they criticize me and still go to see it. No tickets are available for the fourth performance."

But the best literary talent of Russia, with Pushkin and Bielinsky, the greatest critic Russia has produced, at the head, ranged itself on his side.

But the greatest literary talent in Russia, with Pushkin and Bielinsky, the best critic Russia has ever produced, leading the way, aligned themselves with him.

Nicolay Vasilyevich Gogol was born in Sorochintzy, government of Poltava, in 1809. His father was a Little Russian, or Ukrainian, landowner, who exhibited considerable talent as a playwright and actor. Gogol was educated at home until the age of ten, then went to Niezhin, where he entered the gymnasium in 1821. Here he edited a students' manuscript magazine called the Star, and later founded a students' theatre, for which he was both manager and actor. It achieved such success that it was patronized by the general public.

Nicolay Vasilyevich Gogol was born in Sorochintzy, in the Poltava region, in 1809. His father was a Ukrainian landowner who had a notable talent as a playwright and actor. Gogol was homeschooled until he was ten, then he moved to Niezhin, where he enrolled in the gymnasium in 1821. There, he edited a student manuscript magazine called the Star and later started a student theater, where he served as both manager and actor. It became so successful that it was supported by the general public.

In 1829 Gogol went to St. Petersburg, where he thought of becoming an actor, but he finally gave up the idea and took a position as a subordinate government clerk. His real literary career began in 1830 with the publication of a series of stories of Little Russian country life called Nights on a Farm near Dikanka. In 1831 he became acquainted with Pushkin and Zhukovsky, who introduced the "shy Khokhol" (nickname for "Little Russian"), as he was called, to the house of Madame O. A. Smirnov, the centre of "an intimate circle of literary men and the flower of intellectual society." The same year he obtained a position as instructor of history at the Patriotic Institute, and in 1834 was made professor of history at the University of St. Petersburg. Though his lectures were marked by originality and vivid presentation, he seems on the whole not to have been successful as a professor, and he resigned in 1835.

In 1829, Gogol moved to St. Petersburg, where he considered becoming an actor, but ultimately decided against it and accepted a job as a junior government clerk. His true literary career started in 1830 with the release of a series of stories about Little Russian rural life titled Nights on a Farm near Dikanka. In 1831, he met Pushkin and Zhukovsky, who introduced the "shy Khokhol" (a nickname for "Little Russian") to Madame O. A. Smirnov's home, which was at the heart of "an intimate circle of literary figures and the brightest minds of society." That same year, he got a job as a history instructor at the Patriotic Institute, and in 1834, he became a history professor at the University of St. Petersburg. Although his lectures were known for their originality and engaging style, he didn't seem to thrive as a professor overall, and he resigned in 1835.

During this period he kept up his literary activity uninterruptedly, and in 1835 published his collection of stories, Mirgorod, containing How Ivan Ivanovich Quarreled with Ivan Nikiforovich, Taras Bulba, and others. This collection firmly established his position as a leading author. At the same time he was at work on several plays. The Vladimir Cross, which was to deal with the higher St. Petersburg functionaries in the same way as the Revizor with the lesser town officials, was never concluded, as Gogol realized the impossibility of placing them on the Russian stage. A few strong scenes were published. The comedy Marriage, finished in 1835, still finds a place in the Russian theatrical repertoire. The Gamblers, his only other complete comedy, belongs to a later period.

During this time, he continued his writing without any breaks, and in 1835, he published his collection of stories, Mirgorod, which included How Ivan Ivanovich Quarreled with Ivan Nikiforovich, Taras Bulba, and more. This collection solidified his status as a top author. At the same time, he was working on several plays. The Vladimir Cross, which was meant to tackle the higher officials in St. Petersburg like Revizor did with lower town officials, was never finished, as Gogol realized it would be impossible to present them on the Russian stage. A few impactful scenes were published. The comedy Marriage, completed in 1835, is still part of the Russian theater repertoire. The Gamblers, his only other complete comedy, comes from a later time.

After a stay abroad, chiefly in Italy, lasting with some interruptions for seven years (1836-1841), he returned to his native country, bringing with him the first part of his greatest work, Dead Souls. The novel, published the following year, produced a profound impression and made Gogol's literary reputation supreme. Pushkin, who did not live to see its publication, on hearing the first chapters read, exclaimed, "God, how sad our Russia is!" And Alexander Hertzen characterized it as "a wonderful book, a bitter, but not hopeless rebuke of contemporary Russia." Aksakov went so far as to call it the Russian national epic, and Gogol the Russian Homer.

After spending about seven years abroad, mostly in Italy, with some breaks between 1836 and 1841, he returned to his home country with the first part of his greatest work, Dead Souls. The novel, published the following year, had a huge impact and established Gogol's literary reputation as unmatched. Pushkin, who didn’t live to see its release, exclaimed after hearing the first chapters read, "God, how sad our Russia is!" Alexander Hertzen described it as "a wonderful book, a bitter, but not hopeless critique of contemporary Russia." Aksakov even went so far as to call it the Russian national epic and Gogol the Russian Homer.

Unfortunately the novel remained incomplete. Gogol began to suffer from a nervous illness which induced extreme hypochondria. He became excessively religious, fell under the influence of pietists and a fanatical priest, sank more and more into mysticism, and went on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem to worship at the Holy Sepulchre. In this state of mind he came to consider all literature, including his own, as pernicious and sinful.

Unfortunately, the novel was never finished. Gogol started to experience a nervous illness that triggered intense hypochondria. He became overly religious, was influenced by pietists and a zealous priest, descended deeper into mysticism, and went on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem to pray at the Holy Sepulchre. In this mindset, he began to see all literature, including his own, as harmful and sinful.

After burning the manuscript of the second part of Dead Souls, he began to rewrite it, had it completed and ready for the press by 1851, but kept the copy and burned it again a few days before his death (1852), so that it is extant only in parts.

After burning the manuscript of the second part of Dead Souls, he started rewriting it, finished it, and had it ready for printing by 1851, but he kept the copy and burned it again just a few days before his death in 1852, so it now only exists in fragments.

THOMAS SELTZER.

CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY

     ANTON ANTONOVICH SKVOZNIK-DMUKHANOVSKY, the
     Governor.
     ANNA ANDREYEVNA, his wife.
     MARYA ANTONOVNA, his daughter.
     LUKA LUKICH KHLOPOV, the Inspector of Schools.
     His Wife.
     AMMOS FIODOROVICH LIAPKIN-TIAPKIN, the Judge.
     ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH ZEMLIANIKA, the Superintendent of
     Charities.
     IVAN KUZMICH SHPEKIN, the Postmaster.
     PIOTR IVANOVICH DOBCHINSKY. }
     PIOTR IVANOVICH BOBCHINSKY. } Country Squires.
     IVAN ALEKSANDROVICH KHLESTAKOV, an official from St.
     Petersburg.
     OSIP, his servant.
     CHRISTIAN IVANOVICH HÜBNER, the district Doctor.

     FIODR ANDREYEVICH LULIUKOV. } ex-officials,
                                  }esteemed
     IVAN LAZAREVICH RASTAKOVSKY. }personages
     STEPAN IVANOVICH KOROBKIN. }of the town.
     STEPAN ILYICH UKHOVERTOV, the Police Captain.
     SVISTUNOV.   }
     PUGOVITZYN.  }Police Sergeants.
     DERZHIMORDA. }
     ABDULIN, a Merchant.
     FEVRONYA PETROVA POSHLIOPKINA, the Locksmith's wife.
     The Widow of a non-commissioned Officer.
     MISHKA, the Governor's Servant.
     Servant at the Inn.
     Guests, Merchants, Citizens, and Petitioners.

     ANTON ANTONOVICH SKVOZNIK-DMUKHANOVSKY, the
     Governor.
     ANNA ANDREYEVNA, his wife.
     MARYA ANTONOVNA, his daughter.
     LUKA LUKICH KHLOPOV, the Inspector of Schools.
     His Wife.
     AMMOS FIODOROVICH LIAPKIN-TIAPKIN, the Judge.
     ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH ZEMLIANIKA, the Superintendent of
     Charities.
     IVAN KUZMICH SHPEKIN, the Postmaster.
     PIOTR IVANOVICH DOBCHINSKY. }
     PIOTR IVANOVICH BOBCHINSKY. } Country Squires.
     IVAN ALEKSANDROVICH KHLESTAKOV, an official from St.
     Petersburg.
     OSIP, his servant.
     CHRISTIAN IVANOVICH HÜBNER, the district Doctor.

     FIODR ANDREYEVICH LULIUKOV. } ex-officials,
                                  }esteemed
     IVAN LAZAREVICH RASTAKOVSKY. }persons
     STEPAN IVANOVICH KOROBKIN. }of the town.
     STEPAN ILYICH UKHOVERTOV, the Police Captain.
     SVISTUNOV.   }
     PUGOVITZYN.  }Police Sergeants.
     DERZHIMORDA. }
     ABDULIN, a Merchant.
     FEVRONYA PETROVA POSHLIOPKINA, the Locksmith's wife.
     The Widow of a non-commissioned Officer.
     MISHKA, the Governor's Servant.
     Servant at the Inn.
     Guests, Merchants, Citizens, and Petitioners.

CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES

DIRECTIONS FOR ACTORS

THE GOVERNOR.—A man grown old in the service, by no means a fool in his own way. Though he takes bribes, he carries himself with dignity. He is of a rather serious turn and even given somewhat to ratiocination. He speaks in a voice neither too loud nor too low and says neither too much nor too little. Every word of his counts. He has the typical hard stern features of the official who has worked his way up from the lowest rank in the arduous government service. Coarse in his inclinations, he passes rapidly from fear to joy, from servility to arrogance. He is dressed in uniform with frogs and wears Hessian boots with spurs. His hair with a sprinkling of gray is close-cropped.

THE GOVERNOR.—A man who has grown old in his job, definitely not a fool in his own way. Although he accepts bribes, he maintains a sense of dignity. He has a serious nature and tends to overthink things. He speaks in a voice that’s neither too loud nor too soft and doesn’t say too much or too little. Every word he uses matters. He has the typical hard, stern features of someone who has climbed the ranks from the lowest position in a tough government job. While he can be rough around the edges, he quickly shifts from fear to joy, from servility to arrogance. He wears a uniform with decorations and sports Hessian boots with spurs. His hair, sprinkled with gray, is cut short.

ANNA ANDREYEVNA.—A provincial coquette, still this side of middle age, educated on novels and albums and on fussing with household affairs and servants. She is highly inquisitive and has streaks of vanity. Sometimes she gets the upper hand over her husband, and he gives in simply because at the moment he cannot find the right thing to say. Her ascendency, however, is confined to mere trifles and takes the form of lecturing and twitting. She changes her dress four times in the course of the play.

ANNA ANDREYEVNA.—A provincial flirt, just shy of middle age, trained on novels and keepsakes, along with managing household matters and servants. She's very curious and has moments of vanity. Sometimes she gets the upper hand over her husband, and he gives in simply because he can't find the right words to respond at that moment. However, her dominance is limited to trivial matters and usually involves lecturing and teasing. She changes her outfit four times throughout the play.

KHLESTAKOV.—A skinny young man of about twenty-three, rather stupid, being, as they say, "without a czar in his head," one of those persons called an "empty vessel" in the government offices. He speaks and acts without stopping to think and utterly lacks the power of concentration. The words burst from his mouth unexpectedly. The more naiveté and ingenousness the actor puts into the character the better will he sustain the role. Khlestakov is dressed in the latest fashion.

KHLESTAKOV.—A thin young man around twenty-three, somewhat foolish, being, as people say, "not very bright," one of those individuals referred to as an "empty vessel" in government offices. He talks and acts without pausing to think and completely lacks the ability to focus. The words spill out of his mouth unexpectedly. The more innocence and sincerity the actor brings to the character, the better he will portray the role. Khlestakov is dressed in the latest fashion.

OSIP.—A typical middle-aged servant, grave in his address, with eyes always a bit lowered. He is argumentative and loves to read sermons directed at his master. His voice is usually monotonous. To his master his tone is blunt and sharp, with even a touch of rudeness. He is the cleverer of the two and grasps a situation more quickly. But he does not like to talk. He is a silent, uncommunicative rascal. He wears a shabby gray or blue coat.

OSIP.—A typical middle-aged servant, serious in his demeanor, with eyes that are often cast down. He's argumentative and enjoys reading sermons meant for his master. His voice is usually flat. When speaking to his master, his tone is direct and a bit rude. He's the smarter one and picks up on situations faster. However, he doesn't like to chat. He's a quiet, reserved troublemaker. He wears a worn-out gray or blue coat.

BOBCHINSKY AND DOBCHINSKY.—Short little fellows, strikingly like each other. Both have small paunches, and talk rapidly, with emphatic gestures of their hands, features and bodies. Dobchinsky is slightly the taller and more subdued in manner. Bobchinsky is freer, easier and livelier. They are both exceedingly inquisitive.

BOBCHINSKY AND DOBCHINSKY.—Short little guys, looking quite similar to each other. Both have small bellies and talk quickly, using exaggerated gestures with their hands, faces, and bodies. Dobchinsky is a bit taller and more reserved. Bobchinsky is more relaxed, casual, and energetic. They are both extremely curious.

LIAPKIN-TIAPKIN.—He has read four or five books and so is a bit of a freethinker. He is always seeing a hidden meaning in things and therefore puts weight into every word he utters. The actor should preserve an expression of importance throughout. He speaks in a bass voice, with a prolonged rattle and wheeze in his throat, like an old-fashioned clock, which buzzes before it strikes.

LIAPKIN-TIAPKIN.—He has read four or five books, so he thinks of himself as a bit of a free thinker. He's always searching for hidden meanings in everything, which makes him put emphasis on every word he says. The actor should maintain a serious expression all the time. He speaks in a deep voice, with a drawn-out rattle and wheeze in his throat, like an old clock that buzzes before the hour.

ZEMLIANIKA.—Very fat, slow and awkward; but for all that a sly, cunning scoundrel. He is very obliging and officious.

ZEMLIANIKA.—Very overweight, slow, and clumsy; but despite that, he's a sneaky, clever trickster. He’s very helpful and eager to assist.

SHPEKIN.—Guileless to the point of simplemindedness. The other characters require no special explanation, as their originals can be met almost anywhere.

SHPEKIN.—Naive to the point of being simpleminded. The other characters don’t need any special explanation, as you can find their originals almost anywhere.

The actors should pay especial attention to the last scene. The last word uttered must strike all at once, suddenly, like an electric shock. The whole group should change its position at the same instant. The ladies must all burst into a simultaneous cry of astonishment, as if with one throat. The neglect of these directions may ruin the whole effect.

The actors should pay special attention to the final scene. The last word spoken must hit everyone at once, suddenly, like an electric shock. The entire group should change their position at the same time. The women should all let out a simultaneous scream of shock, as if they were all one voice. Ignoring these instructions could ruin the entire impact.

THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL

ACT I

A Room in the Governor's House.

SCENE I

Anton Antonovich, the Governor, Artemy Filippovich, the Superintendent of Charities, Luka Lukich, the Inspector of Schools, Ammos Fiodorovich, the Judge, Stepan Ilyich, Christian Ivanovich, the Doctor, and two Police Sergeants.

GOVERNOR. I have called you together, gentlemen, to tell you an unpleasant piece of news. An Inspector-General is coming.

GOVERNOR. I’ve gathered you here, gentlemen, to share some bad news. An Inspector-General is on the way.

AMMOS FIOD. What, an Inspector-General?

AMMOS FIOD. What, an IG?

ARTEMY FIL. What, an Inspector-General?

ARTEMY FIL. What, an Inspector General?

GOVERNOR. Yes, an Inspector from St. Petersburg, incognito. And with secret instructions, too.

GOVERNOR. Yes, there’s an Inspector from St. Petersburg, undercover. And he has secret instructions as well.

AMMOS. A pretty how-do-you-do!

AMMOS. A nice surprise!

ARTEMY. As if we hadn't enough trouble without an Inspector!

ARTEMY. As if we didn't have enough trouble without an Inspector!

LUKA LUKICH. Good Lord! With secret instructions!

LUKA LUKICH. Oh my gosh! With secret instructions!

GOVERNOR. I had a sort of presentiment of it. Last night I kept dreaming of two rats—regular monsters! Upon my word, I never saw the likes of them—black and supernaturally big. They came in, sniffed, and then went away.—Here's a letter I'll read to you—from Andrey Ivanovich. You know him, Artemy Filippovich. Listen to what he writes: "My dear friend, godfather and benefactor—[He mumbles, glancing rapidly down the page.]—and to let you know"—Ah, that's it—"I hasten to let you know, among other things, that an official has arrived here with instructions to inspect the whole government, and your district especially. [Raises his finger significantly.] I have learned of his being here from highly trustworthy sources, though he pretends to be a private person. So, as you have your little peccadilloes, you know, like everybody else—you are a sensible man, and you don't let the good things that come your way slip by—" [Stopping] H'm, that's his junk—"I advise you to take precautions, as he may arrive any hour, if he hasn't already, and is not staying somewhere incognito.—Yesterday—" The rest are family matters. "Sister Anna Krillovna is here visiting us with her husband. Ivan Krillovich has grown very fat and is always playing the fiddle"—et cetera, et cetera. So there you have the situation we are confronted with, gentlemen.

GOVERNOR. I kind of saw this coming. Last night, I kept dreaming about two rats—huge, monstrous ones! Honestly, I've never seen anything like them—black and unnaturally big. They came in, sniffed around, and then left. Here’s a letter I’ll read to you—from Andrey Ivanovich. You know him, Artemy Filippovich. Listen to what he says: "My dear friend, godfather and benefactor—[He mumbles, glancing quickly down the page.]—and to let you know"—Ah, here it is—"I’m writing to let you know, among other things, that an official has shown up here with orders to inspect the entire government, especially your district. [Raises his finger meaningfully.] I learned about his presence from very reliable sources, though he pretends to be a private individual. So, since you have your little quirks, you know, like everyone else—you’re a sensible man, and you don’t let good opportunities slip away—" [Stopping] H'm, that’s his nonsense—"I suggest you take some precautions, as he may arrive at any moment, if he’s not already here, staying incognito.—Yesterday—" The rest is family news. “Sister Anna Krillovna is visiting us with her husband. Ivan Krillovich has gotten very fat and is always playing the fiddle"—and so on, and so forth. So that’s the situation we’re facing, gentlemen.

AMMOS. An extraordinary situation, most extraordinary! Something behind it, I am sure.

AMMOS. An unbelievable situation, totally unbelievable! There's something more to it, I'm sure.

LUKA. But why, Anton Antonovich? What for? Why should we have an Inspector?

LUKA. But why, Anton Antonovich? What's the point? Why do we need an Inspector?

GOVERNOR. It's fate, I suppose. [Sighs.] Till now, thank goodness, they have been nosing about in other towns. Now our turn has come.

GOVERNOR. I guess it's fate. [Sighs.] Thankfully, until now, they’ve been sniffing around in other towns. Now it's our turn.

AMMOS. My opinion is, Anton Antonovich, that the cause is a deep one and rather political in character. It means this, that Russia—yes—that Russia intends to go to war, and the Government has secretly commissioned an official to find out if there is any treasonable activity anywhere.

AMMOS. I believe, Anton Antonovich, that the issue is a serious one and has a political angle. It indicates that Russia—yes—that Russia plans to go to war, and the Government has secretly assigned an official to investigate if there is any treasonous activity happening anywhere.

GOVERNOR. The wise man has hit on the very thing. Treason in this little country town! As if it were on the frontier! Why, you might gallop three years away from here and reach nowhere.

GOVERNOR. The wise guy has nailed it. Treason in this small town! As if we were on the edge of civilization! Honestly, you could ride for three years from here and not reach anywhere.

AMMOS. No, you don't catch on—you don't—The Government is shrewd. It makes no difference that our town is so remote. The Government is on the look-out all the same—

AMMOS. No, you don’t get it—you really don’t—the Government is clever. It doesn’t matter that our town is so isolated. The Government is still watching.

GOVERNOR [cutting him short]. On the look-out, or not on the look-out, anyhow, gentlemen, I have given you warning. I have made some arrangements for myself, and I advise you to do the same. You especially, Artemy Filippovich. This official, no doubt, will want first of all to inspect your department. So you had better see to it that everything is in order, that the night-caps are clean, and the patients don't go about as they usually do, looking as grimy as blacksmiths.

GOVERNOR [interrupting]. Whether you're paying attention or not, listen up, gentlemen, I've given you a heads-up. I've made some plans for myself, and I suggest you do the same. Especially you, Artemy Filippovich. This official will definitely want to check out your department first. So you'd better ensure everything is in order, that the nightcaps are clean, and the patients aren’t wandering around looking as dirty as blacksmiths.

ARTEMY. Oh, that's a small matter. We can get night-caps easily enough.

ARTEMY. Oh, that's no big deal. We can get nightcaps no problem.

GOVERNOR. And over each bed you might hang up a placard stating in Latin or some other language—that's your end of it, Christian Ivanovich—the name of the disease, when the patient fell ill, the day of the week and the month. And I don't like your invalids to be smoking such strong tobacco. It makes you sneeze when you come in. It would be better, too, if there weren't so many of them. If there are a large number, it will instantly be ascribed to bad supervision or incompetent medical treatment.

GOVERNOR. And above each bed, you could hang a sign saying in Latin or some other language—that’s your part of it, Christian Ivanovich—the name of the disease, when the patient got sick, the day of the week, and the month. Also, I don’t want your patients smoking such strong tobacco. It makes you sneeze when you walk in. It would be better if there weren't so many of them. If there are too many, it will quickly be blamed on poor oversight or bad medical care.

ARTEMY. Oh, as to treatment, Christian Ivanovich and I have worked out our own system. Our rule is: the nearer to nature the better. We use no expensive medicines. A man is a simple affair. If he dies, he'd die anyway. If he gets well, he'd get well anyway. Besides, the doctor would have a hard time making the patients understand him. He doesn't know a word of Russian.

ARTEMY. Oh, regarding treatment, Christian Ivanovich and I have developed our own approach. Our principle is: the closer to nature, the better. We don't use any expensive medications. A person is a straightforward case. If he dies, he was going to die anyway. If he gets better, he would have gotten better regardless. Plus, the doctor would struggle to get the patients to understand him. He doesn't speak a word of Russian.

The Doctor gives forth a sound intermediate between M and A.

The Doctor makes a sound that lies between M and A.

GOVERNOR. And you, Ammos Fiodorovich, had better look to the courthouse. The attendants have turned the entrance hall where the petitioners usually wait into a poultry yard, and the geese and goslings go poking their beaks between people's legs. Of course, setting up housekeeping is commendable, and there is no reason why a porter shouldn't do it. Only, you see, the courthouse is not exactly the place for it. I had meant to tell you so before, but somehow it escaped my memory.

GOVERNOR. And you, Ammos Fiodorovich, should really pay attention to the courthouse. The attendants have transformed the entrance hall, where petitioners usually wait, into a chicken coop, and the geese and goslings are poking their beaks between people's legs. Sure, starting a home is admirable, and there's no reason a porter shouldn't do it. But, you know, the courthouse isn't really the right place for that. I meant to mention it before, but it slipped my mind.

AMMOS. Well, I'll have them all taken into the kitchen to-day. Will you come and dine with me?

AMMOS. Well, I'll get them all taken into the kitchen today. Will you come and have dinner with me?

GOVERNOR. Then, too, it isn't right to have the courtroom littered up with all sorts of rubbish—to have a hunting-crop lying right among the papers on your desk. You're fond of sport, I know, still it's better to have the crop removed for the present. When the Inspector is gone, you may put it back again. As for your assessor, he's an educated man, to be sure, but he reeks of spirits, as if he had just emerged from a distillery. That's not right either. I had meant to tell you so long ago, but something or other drove the thing out of my mind. If his odor is really a congenital defect, as he says, then there are ways of remedying it. You might advise him to eat onion or garlic, or something of the sort. Christian Ivanovich can help him out with some of his nostrums.

GOVERNOR. Plus, it's not appropriate to have the courtroom cluttered with all sorts of junk—like having a riding crop right among the papers on your desk. I know you enjoy sports, but it’s better to remove the crop for now. You can put it back once the Inspector leaves. As for your assessor, he’s definitely educated, but he smells strongly of alcohol, like he just walked out of a distillery. That’s not right either. I meant to mention this to you a long time ago, but something distracted me. If his smell is really a natural issue, as he claims, then there are ways to fix it. You could suggest he eat onions or garlic, or something similar. Christian Ivanovich can provide him with some remedies.

The Doctor makes the same sound as before.

AMMOS. No, there's no cure for it. He says his nurse struck him when he was a child, and ever since he has smelt of vodka.

AMMOS. No, there's no cure for it. He says his nurse hit him when he was a kid, and ever since, he has smelled like vodka.

GOVERNOR. Well, I just wanted to call your attention to it. As regards the internal administration and what Andrey Ivanovich in his letter calls "little peccadilloes," I have nothing to say. Why, of course, there isn't a man living who hasn't some sins to answer for. That's the way God made the world, and the Voltairean freethinkers can talk against it all they like, it won't do any good.

GOVERNOR. So, I just wanted to point this out. When it comes to the internal management and what Andrey Ivanovich refers to in his letter as "little mistakes," I have nothing to add. Honestly, there's no one alive who doesn't have some faults to account for. That's just how the world is, and no matter how much the Voltairean free thinkers criticize it, it won't make a difference.

AMMOS. What do you mean by sins? Anton Antonovich? There are sins and sins. I tell everyone plainly that I take bribes. I make no bones about it. But what kind of bribes? White greyhound puppies. That's quite a different matter.

AMMOS. What do you mean by sins? Anton Antonovich? There are different kinds of sins. I tell everyone straight up that I take bribes. I don’t hide it. But what kind of bribes? White greyhound puppies. That’s a whole different story.

GOVERNOR. H'm. Bribes are bribes, whether puppies or anything else.

GOVERNOR. H'm. Bribes are bribes, whether they involve puppies or anything else.

AMMOS. Oh, no, Anton Antonovich. But if one has a fur overcoat worth five hundred rubles, and one's wife a shawl—

AMMOS. Oh, no, Anton Antonovich. But if someone has a fur coat worth five hundred rubles, and their wife has a shawl—

GOVERNOR. [testily]. And supposing greyhound puppies are the only bribes you take? You're an atheist, you never go to church, while I at least am a firm believer and go to church every Sunday. You—oh, I know you. When you begin to talk about the Creation it makes my flesh creep.

GOVERNOR. [irritated]. And what if the only bribes you accept are greyhound puppies? You're an atheist, you never go to church, while I at least believe strongly and go to church every Sunday. You—oh, I know you. When you start talking about Creation, it gives me the chills.

AMMOS. Well, it's a conclusion I've reasoned out with my own brain.

AMMOS. Well, I've thought this through and come to my own conclusion.

GOVERNOR. Too much brain is sometimes worse than none at all.—However, I merely mentioned the courthouse. I dare say nobody will ever look at it. It's an enviable place. God Almighty Himself seems to watch over it. But you, Luka Lukich, as inspector of schools, ought to have an eye on the teachers. They are very learned gentlemen, no doubt, with a college education, but they have funny habits—inseparable from the profession, I know. One of them, for instance, the man with the fat face—I forget his name—is sure, the moment he takes his chair, to screw up his face like this. [Imitates him.] And then he has a trick of sticking his hand under his necktie and smoothing down his beard. It doesn't matter, of course, if he makes a face at the pupils; perhaps it's even necessary. I'm no judge of that. But you yourself will admit that if he does it to a visitor, it may turn out very badly. The Inspector, or anyone else, might take it as meant for himself, and then the deuce knows what might come of it.

GOVERNOR. Sometimes having too much brain is worse than having none at all. But I just brought up the courthouse. Honestly, I doubt anyone will ever pay attention to it. It's a remarkable place. It feels like God Himself is watching over it. But you, Luka Lukich, as the school inspector, should keep an eye on the teachers. They're definitely educated guys with college degrees, but they have some quirky habits—it's part of the job, I know. For example, there's that man with the chubby face—I can't remember his name—who, as soon as he sits down, always makes a weird face like this. [Imitates him.] And he has this habit of sticking his hand under his tie and smoothing his beard. It’s probably not a big deal if he makes a face at the students; maybe it’s even necessary. I can't judge. But you have to admit that if he does that to a visitor, it could lead to real trouble. The Inspector, or anyone else, might take it personally, and then who knows what could happen.

LUKA. But what can I do? I have told him about it time and again. Only the other day when the marshal of the nobility came into the class-room, he made such a face at him as I had never in my life seen before. I dare say it was with the best intentions; But I get reprimanded for permitting radical ideas to be instilled in the minds of the young.

LUKA. But what can I do? I've explained it to him over and over. Just the other day, when the noble marshal walked into the classroom, he made a face at him like I'd never seen before. I'm sure it was meant well; But I get called out for letting radical ideas be put into the heads of the youth.

GOVERNOR. And then I must call your attention to the history teacher. He has a lot of learning in his head and a store of facts. That's evident. But he lectures with such ardor that he quite forgets himself. Once I listened to him. As long as he was talking about the Assyrians and Babylonians, it was not so bad. But when he reached Alexander of Macedon, I can't describe what came over him. Upon my word, I thought a fire had broken out. He jumped down from the platform, picked up a chair and dashed it to the floor. Alexander of Macedon was a hero, it is true. But that's no reason for breaking chairs. The state must bear the cost.

GOVERNOR. And now I need to point out the history teacher. He has a lot of knowledge and a wealth of facts. That's clear. But he gets so passionate while lecturing that he completely loses himself. I once listened to him. As long as he was talking about the Assyrians and Babylonians, it was okay. But when he got to Alexander the Great, I can't even describe what happened. Honestly, I thought there was a fire. He jumped off the platform, grabbed a chair, and smashed it to the ground. Alexander the Great was a hero, that's true. But that doesn't justify breaking furniture. The state will have to cover the damage.

LUKA. Yes, he is a hot one. I have spoken to him about it several times. He only says: "As you please, but in the cause of learning I will even sacrifice my life."

LUKA. Yes, he's definitely impressive. I've talked to him about it several times. He just says, "Whatever you want, but for the sake of learning, I would even give up my life."

GOVERNOR. Yes, it's a mysterious law of fate. Your clever man is either a drunkard, or he makes such grimaces that you feel like running away.

GOVERNOR. Yes, it’s a mysterious law of fate. A smart guy is either a drunk or he makes such weird faces that you just want to escape.

LUKA. Ah, Heaven save us from being in the educational department! One's afraid of everything. Everybody meddles and wants to show that he is as clever as you.

LUKA. Ah, God help us if we're in the education department! You're constantly on edge. Everyone interferes and wants to prove they’re as smart as you.

GOVERNOR. Oh, that's nothing. But this cursed incognito! All of a sudden he'll look in: "Ah, so you're here, my dear fellows! And who's the judge here?" says he. "Liapkin-Tiapkin." "Bring Liapkin-Tiapkin here.—And who is the Superintendent of Charities?" "Zemlianika."—"Bring Zemlianika here!"—That's what's bad.

GOVERNOR. Oh, that's nothing. But this annoying disguise! Suddenly he’ll come in and say, "Ah, so you’re all here, my dear friends! And who’s the judge here?" Then we say, "Liapkin-Tiapkin." "Get Liapkin-Tiapkin in here."—And who’s the Superintendent of Charities?" "Zemlianika."—"Get Zemlianika in here!"—That’s what’s the problem.

SCENE II

Enter Ivan Kuzmich, the Postmaster.

POSTMASTER. Tell me, gentlemen, who's coming? What chinovnik?

POSTMASTER. Tell me, gentlemen, who's coming? Which official?

GOVERNOR. What, haven't you heard?

GOVERNOR. What, you haven't heard?

POSTMASTER. Bobchinsky told me. He was at the postoffice just now.

POSTMASTER. Bobchinsky just told me. He was at the post office a moment ago.

GOVERNOR. Well, what do you think of it?

GOVERNOR. So, what are your thoughts on it?

POSTMASTER. What do I think of it? Why, there'll be a war with the Turks.

POSTMASTER. What do I think about it? Well, there’s going to be a war with the Turks.

AMMOS. Exactly. Just what I thought.

AMMOS. Exactly. Just what I was thinking.

GOVERNOR [sarcastically]. Yes, you've both hit in the air precisely.

GOVERNOR [sarcastically]. Yeah, you both got it right on the mark.

POSTMASTER. It's war with the Turks for sure, all fomented by the French.

POSTMASTER. It's definitely a war with the Turks, all stirred up by the French.

GOVERNOR. Nonsense! War with the Turks indeed. It's we who are going to get it, not the Turks. You may count on that. Here's a letter to prove it.

GOVERNOR. Nonsense! War with the Turks, really. We're the ones who are going to get it, not the Turks. You can count on that. Here's a letter to prove it.

POSTMASTER. In that case, then, we won't go to war with the Turks.

POSTMASTER. In that case, we won't go to war with the Turks.

GOVERNOR. Well, how do you feel about it, Ivan Kuzmich?

GOVERNOR. So, how do you feel about it, Ivan Kuzmich?

POSTMASTER. How do I feel? How do YOU feel about it, Anton Antonovich?

GOVERNOR. I? Well, I'm not afraid, but I just feel a little—you know—The merchants and townspeople bother me. I seem to be unpopular with them. But the Lord knows if I've taken from some I've done it without a trace of ill-feeling. I even suspect—[Takes him by the arm and walks aside with him.]—I even suspect that I may have been denounced. Or why would they send an Inspector to us? Look here, Ivan Kuzmich, don't you think you could—ahem!—just open a little every letter that passes through your office and read it—for the common benefit of us all, you know—to see if it contains any kind of information against me, or is only ordinary correspondence. If it is all right, you can seal it up again, or simply deliver the letter opened.

GOVERNOR. Me? Well, I’m not scared, but I just feel a bit—you know— The merchants and townsfolk are bothering me. I seem to be out of favor with them. But honestly, if I’ve taken anything from some of them, I've done it without any bad intentions. I even suspect—[Takes him by the arm and walks aside with him.]—I might have been reported. Otherwise, why would they send an inspector to us? Look, Ivan Kuzmich, don’t you think you could—um!—just open every letter that comes through your office and read it—for the common good, you know—to see if it has any information against me, or if it’s just regular correspondence. If it’s all good, you can seal it back up or just deliver the letter opened.

POSTMASTER. Oh, I know. You needn't teach me that. I do it not so much as a precaution as out of curiosity. I just itch to know what's doing in the world. And it's very interesting reading, I tell you. Some letters are fascinating—parts of them written grand—more edifying than the Moscow Gazette.

POSTMASTER. Oh, I get it. You don’t have to explain that to me. I do it not just for safety, but because I’m curious. I just can’t help wanting to know what’s happening in the world. It’s really interesting to read, I promise. Some letters are so fascinating—parts of them are written beautifully—more enlightening than the Moscow Gazette.

GOVERNOR. Tell me, then, have you read anything about any official from St. Petersburg?

GOVERNOR. So, have you read anything about any officials from St. Petersburg?

POSTMASTER. No, nothing about a St. Petersburg official, but plenty about Kostroma and Saratov ones. A pity you don't read the letters. There are some very fine passages in them. For instance, not long ago a lieutenant writes to a friend describing a ball very wittily.—Splendid! "Dear friend," he says, "I live in the regions of the Empyrean, lots of girls, bands playing, flags flying." He's put a lot of feeling into his description, a whole lot. I've kept the letter on purpose. Would you like to read it?

POSTMASTER. No, nothing about an official from St. Petersburg, but plenty about officials from Kostroma and Saratov. It's a shame you don't read the letters. There are some really great passages in them. For example, not long ago a lieutenant wrote to a friend describing a ball in a very witty way.—Fantastic! "Dear friend," he says, "I live in the regions of the Empyrean, lots of girls, bands playing, flags flying." He's put a lot of emotion into his description, a whole lot. I've kept the letter on purpose. Would you like to read it?

GOVERNOR. No, this is no time for such things. But please, Ivan Kuzmich, do me the favor, if ever you chance upon a complaint or denunciation, don't hesitate a moment, hold it back.

GOVERNOR. No, this isn't the right time for that. But please, Ivan Kuzmich, do me a favor: if you ever come across a complaint or accusation, don’t hesitate for a second to share it.

POSTMASTER. I will, with the greatest pleasure.

POSTMASTER. I’d be happy to do that.

AMMOS. You had better be careful. You may get yourself into trouble.

AMMOS. You should be careful. You could get into trouble.

POSTMASTER. Goodness me!

Postmaster. Oh my gosh!

GOVERNOR. Never mind, never mind. Of course, it would be different if you published it broadcast. But it's a private affair, just between us.

GOVERNOR. It's fine, it's fine. It would be a different story if you shared it publicly. But this is a private matter, just between us.

AMMOS. Yes, it's a bad business—I really came here to make you a present of a puppy, sister to the dog you know about. I suppose you have heard that Cheptovich and Varkhovinsky have started a suit. So now I live in clover. I hunt hares first on the one's estate, then on the other's.

AMMOS. Yeah, it’s a bad situation—I actually came here to give you a puppy, the sister of the dog you know about. I guess you've heard that Cheptovich and Varkhovinsky have started a lawsuit. So now I’m living it up. I hunt hares first on one’s estate, then on the other’s.

GOVERNOR. I don't care about your hares now, my good friend. That cursed incognito is on my brain. Any moment the door may open and in walk—

GOVERNOR. I’m not worried about your rabbits right now, my friend. That damn disguise is on my mind. Any moment the door might open and in walk—

SCENE III

Enter Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky, out of breath.

Enter Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky, looking exhausted.

BOBCHINSKY. What an extraordinary occurrence!

BOBCHINSKY. What an amazing event!

DOBCHINSKY. An unexpected piece of news!

ALL. What is it? What is it?

DOBCHINSKY. Something quite unforeseen. We were about to enter the inn—

DOBCHINSKY. Something totally unexpected. We were just about to go into the inn—

BOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. Yes, Piotr Ivanovich and I were entering the inn—

BOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. Yeah, Piotr Ivanovich and I were walking into the inn—

DOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. Please, Piotr Ivanovich, let me tell.

DOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. Please, Piotr Ivanovich, let me speak.

BOBCHINSKY. No, please, let me—let me. You can't. You haven't got the style for it.

BOBCHINSKY. No, please, let me—let me. You can't. You don't have the flair for it.

DOBCHINSKY. Oh, but you'll get mixed up and won't remember everything.

DOBCHINSKY. Oh, but you'll become confused and won't be able to remember everything.

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, I will, upon my word, I will. PLEASE don't interrupt! Do let me tell the news—don't interrupt! Pray, oblige me, gentlemen, and tell Dobchinsky not to interrupt.

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, I will, I promise I will. PLEASE don't interrupt! Let me share the news—don't interrupt! Please, do me a favor, gentlemen, and tell Dobchinsky not to interrupt.

GOVERNOR. Speak, for Heaven's sake! What is it? My heart is in my mouth! Sit down, gentlemen, take seats. Piotr Ivanovich, here's a chair for you. [All seat themselves around Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky.] Well, now, what is it? What is it?

GOVERNOR. Please, for Heaven's sake! What's going on? I'm so anxious! Sit down, everyone, take a seat. Piotr Ivanovich, here's a chair for you. [Everyone sits around Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky.] So, what's the situation? What’s happening?

BOBCHINSKY. Permit me, permit me. I'll tell it all just as it happened. As soon as I had the pleasure of taking leave of you after you were good enough to be bothered with the letter which you had received, sir, I ran out—now, please don't keep interrupting, Dobchinsky. I know all about it, all, I tell you.—So I ran out to see Korobkin. But not finding Korobkin at home, I went off to Rastakovsky, and not seeing him, I went to Ivan Kuzmich to tell him of the news you'd got. Going on from there I met Dobchinsky—

BOBCHINSKY. Let me, let me. I’ll tell you everything exactly how it happened. As soon as I had the pleasure of saying goodbye to you after you kindly took the time to read the letter you received, sir, I rushed out—now, please don’t keep interrupting, Dobchinsky. I know everything about it, all of it, I swear.—So I rushed out to find Korobkin. But when I didn’t find Korobkin at home, I went over to Rastakovsky, and since he wasn’t there either, I headed to Ivan Kuzmich to share the news you got. On my way from there, I ran into Dobchinsky—

DOBCHINSKY [interjecting]. At the stall where they sell pies—

DOBCHINSKY [interjecting]. At the stand where they sell pies—

BOBCHINSKY. At the stall where they sell pies. Well, I met Dobchinsky and I said to him: "Have you heard the news that came to Anton Antonovich in a letter which is absolutely reliable?" But Piotr Ivanovich had already heard of it from your housekeeper, Avdotya, who, I don't know why, had been sent to Filipp Antonovich Pachechuyev—

BOBCHINSKY. At the pie stand. So, I ran into Dobchinsky and I told him, "Have you heard the news that reached Anton Antonovich in a letter that’s totally trustworthy?" But Piotr Ivanovich had already gotten the scoop from your housekeeper, Avdotya, who, for some reason, had been sent to Filipp Antonovich Pachechuyev—

DOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. To get a little keg for French brandy.

DOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. To grab a small barrel of French brandy.

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, to get a little keg for French brandy. So then I went with Dobchinsky to Pachechuyev's.—Will you stop, Piotr Ivanovich? Please don't interrupt.—So off we went to Pachechuyev's, and on the way Dobchinsky said: "Let's go to the inn," he said. "I haven't eaten a thing since morning. My stomach is growling." Yes, sir, his stomach was growling. "They've just got in a supply of fresh salmon at the inn," he said. "Let's take a bite." We had hardly entered the inn when we saw a young man—

BOBCHINSKY. Yeah, I went to pick up a small keg of French brandy. So I went with Dobchinsky to Pachechuyev's. —Can you hold on, Piotr Ivanovich? Please don’t interrupt. —So we headed to Pachechuyev's, and on the way, Dobchinsky said, “Let’s stop by the inn. I haven’t eaten anything since this morning. My stomach is growling.” No kidding, his stomach was making noise. “They just got a fresh shipment of salmon at the inn,” he said. “Let’s grab a bite.” We had barely stepped into the inn when we spotted a young man—

DOBCHINSKY [Interrupting]. Of rather good appearance and dressed in ordinary citizen's clothes.

DOBCHINSKY [Interrupting]. He looks pretty good and is dressed in regular people’s clothes.

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, of rather good appearance and dressed in citizen's clothes—walking up and down the room. There was something out of the usual about his face, you know, something deep—and a manner about him—and here [raises his hand to his forehead and turns it around several times] full, full of everything. I had a sort of feeling, and I said to Dobchinsky, "Something's up. This is no ordinary matter." Yes, and Dobchinsky beckoned to the landlord, Vlas, the innkeeper, you know,—three weeks ago his wife presented him with a baby—a bouncer—he'll grow up just like his father and keep a tavern.—Well, we beckoned to Vlas, and Dobchinsky asked him on the quiet, "Who," he asked, "is that young man?" "That young man," Vlas replied, "that young man"—Oh, don't interrupt, Piotr Ivanovich, please don't interrupt. You can't tell the story. Upon my word, you can't. You lisp and one tooth in your mouth makes you whistle. I know what I'm saying. "That young man," he said, "is an official."—Yes, sir.—"On his way from St. Petersburg. And his name," he said, "is Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov, and he's going," he said "to the government of Saratov," he said. "And he acts so queerly. It's the second week he's been here and he's never left the house; and he won't pay a penny, takes everything on account." When Vlas told me that, a light dawned on me from above, and I said to Piotr Ivanovich, "Hey!"—

BOBCHINSKY. Yeah, he looks pretty good and is dressed like a regular guy—walking back and forth in the room. There was something unusual about his face, you know, something profound—and a certain way about him—and here [raises his hand to his forehead and turns it around several times] so full, full of everything. I had this feeling, and I told Dobchinsky, "Something’s going on. This is not normal." So, Dobchinsky called over the landlord, Vlas, the innkeeper, you know—his wife gave birth to a baby three weeks ago—a hefty one—he’s going to turn out just like his dad and run a tavern. Well, we called Vlas over, and Dobchinsky quietly asked him, "Who,” he asked, “is that young man?" "That young man," Vlas replied, "that young man"—Oh, please don’t interrupt, Piotr Ivanovich, really don’t interrupt. You can’t tell the story. Honestly, you can’t. You lisp, and one of your teeth makes you whistle. I know what I’m talking about. "That young man," he said, "is an official."—Yes, sir.—"He’s on his way from St. Petersburg. And his name," he said, "is Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov, and he’s going," he said, "to the government of Saratov," he said. "And he behaves so strangely. It’s been two weeks since he got here, and he hasn’t left the house; and he won’t pay a dime, taking everything on credit." When Vlas told me that, it was like a light bulb went off in my head, and I said to Piotr Ivanovich, "Hey!"—

DOBCHINSKY. No, Piotr Ivanovich, I said "HEY!"

BOBCHINSKY. Well first YOU said it, then I did. "Hey!" said both of us, "And why does he stick here if he's going to Saratov?"—Yes, sir, that's he, the official.

BOBCHINSKY. Well, first you said it, then I did. "Hey!" said both of us, "And why is he sticking around if he’s going to Saratov?"—Yes, sir, that's him, the official.

GOVERNOR. Who? What official?

GOVERNOR. Who? Which official?

BOBCHINSKY. Why, the official who you were notified was coming, the Inspector.

BOBCHINSKY. Well, the official you were told was coming, the Inspector.

GOVERNOR [terrified]. Great God! What's that you're saying. It can't be he.

GOVERNOR [terrified]. Oh my God! What are you saying? It can't be him.

DOBCHINSKY. It is, though. Why, he doesn't pay his bills and he doesn't leave. Who else can it be? And his postchaise is ordered for Saratov.

DOBCHINSKY. It is, though. Why, he doesn't pay his bills and he doesn't leave. Who else could it be? And his carriage is booked for Saratov.

BOBCHINSKY. It's he, it's he, it's he—why, he's so alert, he scrutinized everything. He saw that Dobchinsky and I were eating salmon—chiefly on account of Dobchinsky's stomach—and he looked at our plates so hard that I was frightened to death.

BOBCHINSKY. It's him, it's him, it's him—he's so sharp, he noticed everything. He saw that Dobchinsky and I were eating salmon—mainly because of Dobchinsky's appetite—and he stared at our plates so intensely that I was terrified.

GOVERNOR. The Lord have mercy on us sinners! In what room is he staying?

GOVERNOR. Lord, have mercy on us sinners! Which room is he in?

DOBCHINSKY. Room number 5 near the stairway.

DOBCHINSKY. Room 5 by the stairs.

BOBCHINSKY. In the same room that the officers quarreled in when they passed through here last year.

BOBCHINSKY. In the same room where the officers argued when they were here last year.

GOVERNOR. How long has he been here?

DOBCHINSKY. Two weeks. He came on St. Vasili's day.

DOBCHINSKY. Two weeks. He arrived on St. Basil's Day.

GOVERNOR. Two weeks! [Aside.] Holy Fathers and saints preserve me! In those two weeks I have flogged the wife of a non-commissioned officer, the prisoners were not given their rations, the streets are dirty as a pothouse—a scandal, a disgrace! [Clutches his head with both hands.]

GOVERNOR. Two weeks! [Aside.] Holy Fathers and saints help me! In those two weeks I’ve beaten the wife of a non-commissioned officer, the prisoners didn’t get their meals, the streets are as filthy as a dive—a total scandal, a disgrace! [Clutches his head with both hands.]

ARTEMY. What do you think, Anton Antonovich, hadn't we better go in state to the inn?

ARTEMY. What do you think, Anton Antonovich, wouldn't it be better if we went to the inn in style?

AMMOS. No, no. First send the chief magistrate, then the clergy, then the merchants. That's what it says in the book. The Acts of John the Freemason.

GOVERNOR. No, no, leave it to me. I have been in difficult situations before now. They have passed off all right, and I was even rewarded with thanks. Maybe the Lord will help us out this time, too. [Turns to Bobchinsky.] You say he's a young man?

GOVERNOR. No, no, just let me handle it. I've been in tough spots before. They worked out fine, and I even got some thanks for it. Maybe God will come through for us this time as well. [Turns to Bobchinsky.] You say he's a young guy?

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, about twenty-three or four at the most.

BOBCHINSKY. Yeah, about twenty-three or twenty-four at most.

GOVERNOR. So much the better. It's easier to pump things out of a young man. It's tough if you've got a hardened old devil to deal with. But a young man is all on the surface. You, gentlemen, had better see to your end of things while I go unofficially, by myself, or with Dobchinsky here, as though for a walk, to see that the visitors that come to town are properly accommodated. Here, Svistunov. [To one of the Sergeants.]

GOVERNOR. That's great news. It's easier to get things out of a young guy. It's hard when you have to deal with a tough old character. But a young man is all about appearances. You, gentlemen, should handle your part while I casually go out, either alone or with Dobchinsky here, just like I'm going for a walk, to make sure the visitors in town are taken care of. Here, Svistunov. [To one of the Sergeants.]

SVISTUNOV. Sir.

GOVERNOR. Go instantly to the Police Captain—or, no, I'll want you. Tell somebody to send him here as quickly as possibly and then come back.

GOVERNOR. Go to the Police Captain right away—or, actually, I need you. Tell someone to get him here as fast as possible and then come back.

Svistunov hurries off.

Svistunov rushes off.

ARTEMY. Let's go, let's go, Ammos Fiodorovich. We may really get into trouble.

ARTEMY. Come on, Ammos Fiodorovich. We could really get in trouble.

AMMOS. What have you got to be afraid of? Put clean nightcaps on the patients and the thing's done.

AMMOS. What are you afraid of? Just put clean nightcaps on the patients and it’s all sorted.

ARTEMY. Nightcaps! Nonsense! The patients were ordered to have oatmeal soup. Instead of that there's such a smell of cabbage in all the corridors that you've got to hold your nose.

ARTEMY. Nightcaps! That's ridiculous! The patients were told to have oatmeal soup. Instead, there's such a smell of cabbage in all the corridors that you have to hold your nose.

AMMOS. Well, my mind's at ease. Who's going to visit the court? Supposing he does look at the papers, he'll wish he had left them alone. I have been on the bench fifteen years, and when I take a look into a report, I despair. King Solomon in all his wisdom could not tell what is true and what is not true in it.

AMMOS. Well, I feel relieved. Who's going to check out the court? If he looks at the documents, he'll probably regret it. I've been a judge for fifteen years, and whenever I read a report, I feel hopeless. Even King Solomon, with all his wisdom, couldn't figure out what's real and what's not in it.

The Judge, the Superintendent of Charities, the School Inspector, and Postmaster go out and bump up against the Sergeant in the doorway as the latter returns.

The Judge, the Superintendent of Charities, the School Inspector, and the Postmaster step outside and run into the Sergeant in the doorway as he comes back in.

SCENE IV

The Governor, Bobchinsky, Dobchinsky, and Sergeant Svistunov.

GOVERNOR. Well, is the cab ready?

GOVERNOR. So, is the cab ready?

SVISTUNOV. Yes, sir.

SVISTUNOV. Yes, boss.

GOVERNOR. Go out on the street—or, no, stop—go and bring—why, where are the others? Why are you alone? Didn't I give orders for Prokhorov to be here? Where is Prokhorov?

GOVERNOR. Go out onto the street—or, actually, hold on—go and get someone—wait, where are the others? Why are you by yourself? Didn't I tell you to have Prokhorov here? Where's Prokhorov?

SVISTUNOV. Prokhorov is in somebody's house and can't go on duty just now.

SVISTUNOV. Prokhorov is at someone's house and can't go on duty right now.

GOVERNOR. Why so?

GOVERNOR. Why's that?

SVISTUNOV. Well, they brought him back this morning dead drunk. They poured two buckets of water over him, but he hasn't sobered up yet.

SVISTUNOV. Well, they brought him back this morning totally wasted. They dumped two buckets of water on him, but he still hasn't sobered up.

GOVERNOR [clutching his head with both hands]. For Heaven's sake! Go out on duty quick—or, no, run up to my room, do you hear? And fetch my sword and my new hat. Now, Piotr Ivanovich, [to Dobchinsky] come.

GOVERNOR [clutching his head with both hands]. For heaven's sake! Go out on duty quickly—or, no, run up to my room, do you hear? And grab my sword and my new hat. Now, Piotr Ivanovich, [to Dobchinsky] come.

BOBCHINSKY. And me—me, too. Let me come, too, Anton Antonovich.

GOVERNOR. No, no, Bobchinsky, it won't do. Besides there is not enough room in the cab.

GOVERNOR. No, no, Bobchinsky, that won’t work. Also, there isn’t enough space in the cab.

BOBCHINSKY. Oh, that doesn't matter. I'll follow the cab on foot—on foot. I just want to peep through a crack—so—to see that manner of his—how he acts.

BOBCHINSKY. Oh, it doesn't matter. I'll just follow the cab on foot. I just want to take a look through a crack to see how he behaves.

GOVERNOR [turning to the Sergeant and taking his sword]. Be off and get the policemen together. Let them each take a—there, see how scratched my sword is. It's that dog of a merchant, Abdulin. He sees the Governor's sword is old and doesn't provide a new one. Oh, the sharpers! I'll bet they've got their petitions against me ready in their coat-tail pockets.—Let each take a street in his hand—I don't mean a street—a broom—and sweep the street leading to the inn, and sweep it clean, and—do you hear? And see here, I know you, I know your tricks. You insinuate yourselves into the inn and walk off with silver spoons in your boots. Just you look out. I keep my ears pricked. What have you been up to with the merchant, Chorniayev, eh? He gave you two yards of cloth for your uniform and you stole the whole piece. Take care. You're only a Sergeant. Don't graft higher than your rank. Off with you.

GOVERNOR [turning to the Sergeant and taking his sword]. Go and gather the policemen. Have each of them grab a—wait, look how scratched my sword is. It's that filthy merchant, Abdulin. He sees the Governor's sword is old and doesn't bother to get me a new one. What a scam! I bet they've got their complaints against me ready in their coat pockets.—Have each of them take a street—a broom, I mean—and clean the street leading to the inn, and make sure it’s spotless, understood? And listen, I know you, I know your tricks. You sneak into the inn and steal silver spoons in your boots. Just watch yourself. I'm keeping an eye on you. What have you been doing with the merchant, Chorniayev, huh? He gave you two yards of cloth for your uniform, and you swiped the whole bolt. Watch it. You're just a Sergeant. Don’t overreach your rank. Now get going.

SCENE V

Enter the Police Captain.

Enter the police chief.

GOVERNOR. Hello, Stepan Ilyich, where the dickens have you been keeping yourself? What do you mean by acting that way?

GOVERNOR. Hey, Stepan Ilyich, where on earth have you been? Why are you acting like that?

CAPTAIN. Why, I was just outside the gate.

CAPTAIN. I was just outside the gate.

GOVERNOR. Well, listen, Stepan Ilyich. An official has come from St. Petersburg. What have you done about it?

GOVERNOR. So, listen up, Stepan Ilyich. An official has arrived from St. Petersburg. What have you done about it?

CAPTAIN. What you told me to. I sent Sergeant Pugovichyn with policemen to clean the street.

CAPTAIN. I did what you asked. I sent Sergeant Pugovichyn with the police to clear the street.

GOVERNOR. Where is Derzhimorda?

GOVERNOR. Where's Derzhimorda?

CAPTAIN. He has gone off on the fire engine.

CAPTAIN. He has left on the fire truck.

GOVERNOR. And Prokhorov is drunk?

GOVERNOR. So, is Prokhorov drunk?

CAPTAIN. Yes.

CAPTAIN. Yup.

GOVERNOR. How could you allow him to get drunk?

GOVERNOR. How could you let him get drunk?

CAPTAIN. God knows. Yesterday there was a fight outside the town. He went to restore order and was brought back drunk.

CAPTAIN. God knows. Yesterday there was a fight outside the town. He went to restore order and came back drunk.

GOVERNOR. Well, then, this is what you are to do.—Sergeant Pugovichyn—he is tall. So he is to stand on duty on the bridge for appearance' sake. Then the old fence near the bootmaker's must be pulled down at once and a post stuck up with a whisp of straw so as to look like grading. The more debris there is the more it will show the governor's activity.—Good God, though, I forgot that about forty cart-loads of rubbish have been dumped against that fence. What a vile, filthy town this is! A monument, or even only a fence, is erected, and instantly they bring a lot of dirt together, from the devil knows where, and dump it there. [Heaves a sigh.] And if the functionary that has come here asks any of the officials whether they are satisfied, they are to say, "Perfectly satisfied, your Honor"; and if anybody is not satisfied, I'll give him something to be dissatisfied about afterwards.—Ah, I'm a sinner, a terrible sinner. [Takes the hat-box, instead of his hat.] Heaven only grant that I may soon get this matter over and done with; then I'll donate a candle such as has never been offered before. I'll levy a hundred pounds of wax from every damned merchant. Oh my, oh my! Come, let's go, Piotr Ivanovich. [Tries to put the hat-box on his head instead of his hat.]

GOVERNOR. Alright, here’s what you need to do. —Sergeant Pugovichyn—he's tall. He should stand on the bridge just for show. Then, we need to tear down the old fence by the bootmaker’s right away and put up a post with some straw to make it look like we’re working on it. The more junk there is, the more it will demonstrate the governor's efforts. —Good grief, though, I just remembered there are about forty loads of garbage stacked against that fence. What a disgusting, filthy town this is! They put up a monument, or even just a fence, and immediately they bring in a bunch of trash from who knows where and dump it there. [Heaves a sigh.] And if the official who’s come here asks any of the local officials if they're happy, they’re to respond, "Absolutely satisfied, your Honor"; and if anyone isn’t satisfied, I’ll give them something to be upset about later. —Ah, I’m a sinner, a terrible sinner. [Takes the hat-box instead of his hat.] If only I could get this over and done with soon; then I’ll donate a candle like has never been offered before. I’ll collect a hundred pounds of wax from every single merchant. Oh dear, oh dear! Come on, let's go, Piotr Ivanovich. [Tries to put the hat-box on his head instead of his hat.]

CAPTAIN. Anton Antonovich, that's the hat-box, not your hat.

CAPTAIN. Anton Antonovich, that's the hat box, not your hat.

GOVERNOR [throwing the box down]. If it's the hat-box, it's the hat-box, the deuce take it!—And if he asks why the church at the hospital for which the money was appropriated five years ago has not been built, don't let them forget to say that the building was begun but was destroyed by fire. I sent in a report about it, you know. Some blamed fool might forget and let out that the building was never even begun. And tell Derzhimorda not to be so free with his fists. Guilty or innocent, he makes them all see stars in the cause of public order.—Come on, come on, Dobchinsky. [Goes out and returns.] And don't let the soldiers appear on the streets with nothing on. That rotten garrison wear their coats directly over their undershirts.

GOVERNOR [throwing the box down]. If it's the hat-box, it's the hat-box, damn it!—And if he asks why the church at the hospital for which the money was set aside five years ago hasn't been built, make sure to mention that the construction started but was destroyed by fire. I sent in a report about it, you know. Some clueless fool might forget and claim that the building was never even started. And tell Derzhimorda to stop using his fists so freely. Whether they're guilty or innocent, he has everyone seeing stars in the name of public order.—Come on, come on, Dobchinsky. [Goes out and returns.] And don’t let the soldiers walk around the streets with nothing on. That pathetic garrison wears their coats right over their undershirts.

All go out.

Everyone go out.

SCENE VI

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna rush in on the stage.

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna rush onto the stage.

ANNA. Where are they? Where are they? Oh, my God! [opening the door.] Husband! Antosha! Anton! [hurriedly, to Marya.] It's all your fault. Dawdling! Dawdling!—"I want a pin—I want a scarf." [Runs to the window and calls.] Anton, where are you going? Where are you going? What! He has come? The Inspector? He has a moustache? What kind of a moustache?

ANNA. Where are they? Where are they? Oh my God! [opening the door.] Husband! Antosha! Anton! [hurries to Marya.] This is all your fault. Loafing around! Loafing around!—"I want a pin—I want a scarf." [Runs to the window and calls.] Anton, where are you going? Where are you going? What! He’s here? The Inspector? He has a mustache? What kind of mustache?

GOVERNOR [from without]. Wait, dear. Later.

GOVERNOR [from outside]. Hold on, dear. Not now.

ANNA. Wait? I don't want to wait. The idea, wait! I only want one word. Is he a colonel or what? Eh? [Disgusted.] There, he's gone! You'll pay for it! It's all your fault—you, with your "Mamma, dear, wait a moment, I'll just pin my scarf. I'll come directly." Yes, directly! Now we have missed the news. It's all your confounded coquettishness. You heard the Postmaster was here and so you must prink and prim yourself in front of the mirror—look on this side and that side and all around. You imagine he's smitten with you. But I can tell you he makes a face at you the moment you turn your back.

ANNA. Wait? I don't want to wait. Seriously, just one word. Is he a colonel or what? Huh? [Disgusted.] Great, he's gone! You're going to regret this! It's all your fault—you, with your "Mamma, dear, just a moment, let me fix my scarf. I'll be right there." Yeah, right! Now we've missed the news. It's all your annoying flirting. You heard the Postmaster was here, so you had to fuss over yourself in front of the mirror—checking this side and that side and all around. You think he's into you. But let me tell you, he makes a face at you the second you turn away.

MARYA. It can't be helped, mamma. We'll know everything in a couple of hours anyway.

MARYA. There's nothing we can do about it, mom. We'll find out everything in a couple of hours anyway.

ANNA. In a couple of hours! Thank you! A nice answer. Why don't you say, in a month. We'll know still more in a month. [She leans out of the window.] Here, Avdotya! I say! Have you heard whether anybody has come, Avdotya?—No, you goose, you didn't—He waved his hands? Well, what of it? Let him wave his hands. But you should have asked him anyhow. You couldn't find out, of course, with your head full of nonsense and lovers. Eh, what? They left in a hurry? Well, you should have run after the carriage. Off with you, off with you at once, do you hear? Run and ask everybody where they are. Be sure and find out who the newcomer is and what he is like, do you hear? Peep through a crack and find everything out—what sort of eyes he has, whether they are black or blue, and be back here instantly, this minute, do you hear? Quick, quick, quick!

ANNA. In a couple of hours! Thank you! That's a nice answer. Why not say in a month? We’ll know even more then. [She leans out of the window.] Hey, Avdotya! I’m asking you! Have you heard if anyone has arrived, Avdotya? — No, you silly, you didn’t — He was waving his hands? So what? Let him wave them. But you should have asked him anyway. Of course, you couldn’t figure it out with your head full of nonsense and romance. What’s this? They left in a hurry? Well, you should have chased after the carriage. Go on, go on right now, do you hear? Run and ask everyone where they are. Make sure to find out who the newcomer is and what he’s like, okay? Peek through a crack and get all the details—what color his eyes are, whether they’re black or blue, and get back here immediately, this minute, do you hear? Quick, quick, quick!

She keeps on calling and they both stand at the window until the curtain drops.

She keeps calling, and they both stand at the window until the curtain falls.

ACT II

A small room in the inn, bed, table, travelling bag, empty bottle, boots, clothes brush, etc.

A small room in the inn has a bed, a table, a travel bag, an empty bottle, boots, a clothes brush, and more.

SCENE I

OSIP [lying on his master's bed]. The devil take it! I'm so hungry. There's a racket in my belly, as if a whole regiment were blowing trumpets. We'll never reach home. I'd like to know what we are going to do. Two months already since we left St. Pete. He's gone through all his cash, the precious buck, so now he sticks here with his tail between his legs and takes it easy. We'd have had enough and more than enough to pay for the fare, but no he must exhibit himself in every town. [Imitates him.] "Osip, get me the best room to be had and order the best dinner they serve. I can't stand bad food. I must have the best." It would be all right for a somebody, but for a common copying clerk! Goes and gets acquainted with the other travellers, plays cards, and plays himself out of his last penny. Oh, I'm sick of this life. It's better in our village, really. There isn't so much going on, but then there is less to bother about. You get yourself a wife and lie on the stove all the time and eat pie. Of course, if you wanted to tell the truth, there's no denying it that there's nothing like living in St. Pete. All you want is money. And then you can live smart and classy—theeadres, dogs to dance for you, everything, and everybody talks so genteel, pretty near like in high society. If you go to the Schukin bazaar, the shopkeepers cry, "Gentlemen," at you. You sit with the officials in the ferry boat. If you want company, you go into a shop. A sport there will tell you about life in the barracks and explain the meaning of every star in the sky, so that you see them all as if you held them in your hand. Then an old officer's wife will gossip, or a pretty chambermaid will dart a look at you—ta, ta, ta! [Smirks and wags his head.] And what deucedly civil manners they have, too. You never hear no impolite language. They always say "Mister" to you. If you are tired of walking, why you take a cab and sit in it like a lord. And if you don't feel like paying, then you don't. Every house has an open-work gate and you can slip through and the devil himself won't catch you. There's one bad thing, though; sometimes you get first class eats and sometimes you're so starved you nearly drop—like now. It's all his fault. What can you do with him? His dad sends him money to keep him going, but the devil a lot it does. He goes off on a spree, rides in cabs, gets me to buy a theeadre ticket for him every day, and in a week look at him—sends me to the old clo'es man to sell his new dress coat. Sometimes he gets rid of everything down to his last shirt and is left with nothing except his coat and overcoat. Upon my word, it's the truth. And such fine cloth, too. English, you know. One dress coat costs him a hundred and fifty rubles and he sells it to the old clo'es man for twenty. No use saying nothing about his pants. They go for a song. And why? Because he doesn't tend to his business. Instead of sticking to his job, he gads about on the Prospect and plays cards. Ah, if the old gentleman only knew it! He wouldn't care that you are an official. He'd lift up your little shirtie and would lay it on so that you'd go about rubbing yourself for a week. If you have a job, stick to it. Here's the innkeeper says he won't let you have anything to eat unless you pay your back bills. Well, and suppose we don't pay. [Sighing.] Oh, good God! If only I could get cabbage soup. I think I could eat up the whole world now. There's a knock at the door. I suppose it's him. [Rises from the bed hastily.]

OSIP [lying on his master's bed]. Damn it! I’m so hungry. There's a racket in my stomach, like a whole regiment blowing trumpets. We’ll never make it home. I’d like to know what we’re going to do. It’s been two months since we left St. Pete. He’s burned through all his cash, that precious money, so now he’s just lounging around here with his tail between his legs. We could have had more than enough for the fare, but no, he has to show off in every town. [Imitates him.] “Osip, get me the best room and order the best dinner they have. I can’t stand bad food. I need the best.” That would be fine for someone important, but for a regular copying clerk? He goes and makes friends with the other travelers, plays cards, and loses his last penny. Oh, I’m sick of this life. It’s better in our village, honestly. There’s not as much going on, but there’s also less to worry about. You get yourself a wife, lie on the stove all day, and eat pie. Of course, if we’re being honest, there’s no denying that living in St. Pete has its perks. All you need is money. Then you can live it up—fancy clothes, dogs performing for you, everything, and everyone talks so elegantly, almost like high society. If you go to the Schukin bazaar, the shopkeepers call you “Gentlemen.” You sit with the officials on the ferry boat. If you want company, you pop into a shop. A guy there will tell you all about life in the barracks and explain the meaning of every star in the sky, so you’d feel like you’re holding them in your hand. Then an old officer's wife will gossip or a pretty chambermaid will throw you a glance—ta, ta, ta! [Smirks and shakes his head.] And they have such polite manners, too. You never hear any rude language. They always call you “Mister.” If you’re tired of walking, you just take a cab and sit like a lord. And if you don’t feel like paying, you don’t have to. Every house has a decorative gate you can sneak through, and even the devil won't catch you. There’s one downside, though; sometimes you get first-class meals, and other times you’re nearly starving—like now. It’s all his fault. What can you do with him? His dad sends him money to keep him afloat, but it’s not much help. He goes out on a binge, rides in cabs, makes me buy a theater ticket for him every day, and look at him a week later—sends me to the second-hand man to sell his new dress coat. Sometimes he gets rid of everything down to his last shirt and ends up with just his coat and overcoat. I swear it’s true. And such nice fabric, too. English, you know. One dress coat costs him one hundred fifty rubles, and he sells it to the second-hand man for twenty. Don’t get me started on his pants. They go for next to nothing. And why? Because he neglects his business. Instead of focusing on his job, he wanders around the Prospect playing cards. Ah, if only his old man knew! He wouldn’t care that you’re an official. He’d lift up your little shirt and give you a beating so you'd be sore for a week. If you have a job, stick to it. Here’s the innkeeper saying he won’t give you anything to eat unless you pay your back bills. Well, what if we don’t pay? [Sighing.] Oh, good God! If only I could get some cabbage soup. I think I could eat the whole world right now. There’s a knock at the door. I guess it’s him. [Rises from the bed hastily.]

SCENE II

Osip and Khlestakov.

KHLESTAKOV. Here! [Hands him his cap and cane.] What, been warming the bed again!

KHLESTAKOV. Here! [Hands him his cap and cane.] What, have you been warming the bed again?

OSIP. Why should I have been warming the bed? Have I never seen a bed before?

OSIP. Why should I have been warming the bed? Haven't I seen a bed before?

KHLESTAKOV. You're lying. The bed's all tumbled up.

KHLESTAKOV. You're lying. The bed's all messed up.

OSIP. What do I want a bed for? Don't I know what a bed is like? I have legs and can use them to stand on. I don't need your bed.

OSIP. What do I need a bed for? Don't I already know what a bed feels like? I have legs and can stand on them. I don't need your bed.

KHLESTAKOV [walking up and down the room]. Go see if there isn't some tobacco in the pouch.

KHLESTAKOV [walking up and down the room]. Go check if there's any tobacco in the pouch.

OSIP. What tobacco? You emptied it out four days ago.

OSIP. What tobacco? You threw it out four days ago.

KHLESTAKOV [pacing the room and twisting his lips. Finally he says in a loud resolute voice]. Listen—a—Osip.

KHLESTAKOV [walking around the room and twisting his lips. Finally he says in a loud, firm voice]. Listen—Osip.

OSIP. Yes, sir?

KHLESTAKOV [In a voice just as loud, but not quite so resolute]. Go down there.

KHLESTAKOV [In a voice just as loud, but not quite so certain]. Go down there.

OSIP. Where?

OSIP. Where's that?

KHLESTAKOV [in a voice not at all resolute, nor loud, but almost in entreaty]. Down to the restaurant—tell them—to send up dinner.

KHLESTAKOV [in a voice that isn’t very firm or loud, but almost pleading]. Go to the restaurant—tell them—to send up dinner.

OSIP. No, I won't.

OSIP. No way, not doing it.

KHLESTAKOV. How dare you, you fool!

KHLESTAKOV. How dare you, you idiot!

OSIP. It won't do any good, anyhow. The landlord said he won't let you have anything more to eat.

OSIP. It won’t help anyway. The landlord said he won’t let you have anything else to eat.

KHLESTAKOV. How dare he! What nonsense is this?

KHLESTAKOV. How could he! What is this nonsense?

OSIP. He'll go to the Governor, too, he says. It's two weeks now since you've paid him, he says. You and your master are cheats, he says, and your master is a blackleg besides, he says. We know the breed. We've seen swindlers like him before.

OSIP. He says he'll go to the Governor, too. It’s been two weeks since you paid him, he says. You and your boss are frauds, he says, and your boss is a crook as well, he says. We know the type. We've encountered con artists like him before.

KHLESTAKOV. And you're delighted, I suppose, to repeat all this to me, you donkey.

KHLESTAKOV. And you're thrilled, I guess, to tell me all this, you fool.

OSIP. "Every Tom, Dick and Harry comes and lives here," he says, "and runs up debts so that you can't even put him out. I'm not going to fool about it," he says, "I'm going straight to the Governor and have him arrested and put in jail."

OSIP. "Everyone comes and lives here," he says, "and racks up debts so high that you can't even evict them. I'm not going to mess around," he says, "I'm going straight to the Governor to have him arrested and thrown in jail."

KHLESTAKOV. That'll do now, you fool. Go down at once and tell him to have dinner sent up. The coarse brute! The idea!

KHLESTAKOV. That's enough now, you idiot. Go down right away and tell him to send dinner up. What a rude jerk! Can you believe it!

OSIP. Hadn't I better call the landlord here?

OSIP. Shouldn't I call the landlord over here?

KHLESTAKOV. What do I want the landlord for? Go and tell him yourself.

KHLESTAKOV. What do I need the landlord for? You go and tell him yourself.

OSIP. But really, master—

OSIP. But honestly, master—

KHLESTAKOV. Well, go, the deuce take you. Call the landlord.

KHLESTAKOV. Fine, just go, whatever. Get the landlord.

Osip goes out.

Osip is going out.

SCENE III

KHLESTAKOV [alone]. I am so ravenously hungry. I took a little stroll thinking I could walk off my appetite. But, hang it, it clings. If I hadn't dissipated so in Penza I'd have had enough money to get home with. The infantry captain did me up all right. Wonderful the way the scoundrel cut the cards! It didn't take more than a quarter of an hour for him to clean me out of my last penny. And yet I would give anything to have another set-to with him. Only I never will have the chance.—What a rotten town this is! You can't get anything on credit in the grocery shops here. It's deucedly mean, it is. [He whistles, first an air from Robert le Diable, then a popular song, then a blend of the two.] No one's coming.

KHLESTAKOV [alone]. I'm so incredibly hungry. I went for a little walk, thinking it would help with my appetite. But, damn it, it's still here. If I hadn't wasted all my money back in Penza, I would have had enough to get home. That infantry captain really did me in. It's amazing how the scoundrel played the cards! It took him just about fifteen minutes to clean me out completely. And yet, I'd give anything for another round with him. Too bad I'll never get that chance.—What a terrible town this is! You can't get anything on credit at the grocery stores here. It’s so stingy, really. [He whistles, first a tune from Robert le Diable, then a popular song, then a mix of both.] No one's showing up.

SCENE IV

Khlestakov, Osip, and a Servant.

SERVANT. The landlord sent me up to ask what you want.

SERVANT. The landlord sent me up to see what you need.

KHLESTAKOV. Ah, how do you do, brother! How are you? How are you?

KHLESTAKOV. Hey, how's it going, brother! How are you? How are you?

SERVANT. All right, thank you.

SERVANT. Okay, thank you.

KHLESTAKOV. And how are you getting on in the inn? Is business good?

KHLESTAKOV. So, how's everything going at the inn? Is business doing well?

SERVANT. Yes, business is all right, thank you.

SERVANT. Yeah, things are good, thanks.

KHLESTAKOV. Many guests?

KHLESTAKOV. Lots of guests?

SERVANT. Plenty.

SERVANT. A lot.

KHLESTAKOV. See here, good friend. They haven't sent me dinner yet. Please hurry them up! See that I get it as soon as possible. I have some business to attend to immediately after dinner.

KHLESTAKOV. Hey, my good friend. They still haven't sent my dinner. Please hurry them up! Make sure I get it as soon as possible. I have some important business to take care of right after dinner.

SERVANT. The landlord said he won't let you have anything any more. He was all for going to the Governor to-day and making a complaint against you.

SERVANT. The landlord said he won't allow you to have anything anymore. He was all set to go to the Governor today and file a complaint against you.

KHLESTAKOV. What's there to complain about? Judge for yourself, friend. Why, I've got to eat. If I go on like this I'll turn into a skeleton. I'm hungry, I'm not joking.

KHLESTAKOV. What’s there to complain about? You can see for yourself, my friend. I mean, I need to eat. If this keeps up, I'm going to turn into a skeleton. I’m really hungry, I’m not kidding.

SERVANT. Yes, sir, that's what he said. "I won't let him have no dinner," he said, "till he pays for what he has already had." That was his answer.

SERVANT. Yes, sir, that's what he said. "I won't let him have any dinner," he said, "until he pays for what he has already had." That was his answer.

KHLESTAKOV. Try to persuade him.

KHLESTAKOV. Try to convince him.

SERVANT. But what shall I tell him?

SERVANT. But what should I say to him?

KHLESTAKOV. Explain that it's a serious matter, I've got to eat. As for the money, of course—He thinks that because a muzhik like him can go without food a whole day others can too. The idea!

KHLESTAKOV. Explain that it's a serious issue; I've got to eat. As for the money, of course—He thinks that just because a peasant like him can go a whole day without food, others can too. Can you believe that?

SERVANT. Well, all right. I'll tell him.

SERVANT. Alright, I’ll let him know.

The Servant and Osip go out.

The Servant and Osip head outside.

SCENE V

Khlestakov alone.

Khlestakov by himself.

KHLESTAKOV. A bad business if he refuses to let me have anything. I'm so hungry. I've never been so hungry in my life. Shall I try to raise something on my clothes? Shall I sell my trousers? No, I'd rather starve than come home without a St. Petersburg suit. It's a shame Joachim wouldn't let me have a carriage on hire. It would have been great to ride home in a carriage, drive up under the porte-cochere of one of the neighbors with lamps lighted and Osip behind in livery. Imagine the stir it would have created. "Who is it? What's that?" Then my footman walks in [draws himself up and imitates] and an-nounces: "Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov of St. Petersburg. Will you receive him?" Those country lubbers don't even know what it means to "receive." If any lout of a country squire pays them a visit, he stalks straight into the drawing-room like a bear. Then you step up to one of their pretty girls and say: "Dee-lighted, madam." [Rubs his hands and bows.] Phew! [Spits.] I feel positively sick, I'm so hungry.

KHLESTAKOV. This is ridiculous if he won't let me have anything. I'm so hungry. I've never been this hungry in my life. Should I try to sell something from my clothes? Should I sell my trousers? No, I'd rather starve than come home without a St. Petersburg suit. It's a shame Joachim wouldn’t let me rent a carriage. It would have been perfect to ride home in one, pulling up to the porte-cochere of one of the neighbors with the lights on and Osip dressed in uniform. Just imagine the commotion it would cause. "Who is it? What’s going on?" Then my footman comes in [stands tall and pretends] and announces: "Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov of St. Petersburg. Will you accept him?" Those country folks don’t even know what it means to "receive." If some clumsy country squire drops by, he just barges right into the drawing-room like a bear. Then you go up to one of their pretty girls and say: "Delighted, madam." [Rubs his hands and bows.] Ugh! [Spits.] I feel absolutely sick; I’m so hungry.

SCENE VI

Khlestakov, Osip, and later the Servant.

KHLESTAKOV. Well?

KHLESTAKOV. So?

OSIP. They're bringing dinner.

OSIP. They're bringing food.

KHLESTAKOV [claps his hands and wriggles in his chair]. Dinner, dinner, dinner!

KHLESTAKOV [claps his hands and wiggles in his chair]. Dinner, dinner, dinner!

SERVANT [with plates and napkin]. This is the last time the landlord will let you have dinner.

KHLESTAKOV. The landlord, the landlord! I spit on your landlord. What have you got there?

KHLESTAKOV. The landlord, the landlord! I’m done with your landlord. What do you have there?

SERVANT. Soup and roast beef.

SERVER. Soup and roast beef.

KHLESTAKOV. What! Only two courses?

KHLESTAKOV. What! Just two courses?

SERVANT. That's all.

SERVANT. That's it.

KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense! I won't take it. What does he mean by that? Ask him. It's not enough.

KHLESTAKOV. That’s ridiculous! I’m not accepting it. What’s he talking about? Ask him. It’s not sufficient.

SERVANT. The landlord says it's too much.

SERVANT. The landlord says it's too expensive.

KHLESTAKOV. Why is there no sauce?

KHLESTAKOV. Why isn't there any sauce?

SERVANT. There is none.

None available.

KHLESTAKOV. Why not? I saw them preparing a whole lot when I passed through the kitchen. And in the dining-room this morning two short little men were eating salmon and lots of other things.

KHLESTAKOV. Why not? I saw them getting ready a ton of stuff when I walked through the kitchen. And in the dining room this morning, two short little guys were eating salmon and a bunch of other things.

SERVANT. Well, you see, there is some and there isn't.

SERVANT. Well, you see, some things are there and some things aren't.

KHLESTAKOV. Why "isn't"?

SERVANT. Because there isn't any.

SERVANT. Because there isn’t any.

KHLESTAKOV. What, no salmon, no fish, no cutlets?

SERVANT. Only for the better kind of folk.

SERVANT. Only for the better kind of people.

KHLESTAKOV. You're a fool.

KHLESTAKOV. You're an idiot.

SERVANT. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

KHLESTAKOV. You measly suckling pig. Why can they eat and I not? Why the devil can't I eat, too? Am I not a guest the same as they?

KHLESTAKOV. You pathetic little pig. Why can they eat and I can't? Why on earth can't I eat, too? Am I not a guest just like them?

SERVANT. No, not the same. That's plain.

SERVANT. No, that's not the same. It's obvious.

KHLESTAKOV. How so?

KHLESTAKOV. How come?

SERVANT. That's easy. THEY pay, that's it.

SERVANT. That's simple. They pay, that's all.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm not going to argue with you, simpleton! [Ladles out the soup and begins to eat.] What, you call that soup? Simply hot water poured into a cup. No taste to it at all. It only stinks. I don't want it. Bring me some other soup.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm not going to argue with you, idiot! [Scoops out the soup and starts to eat.] What, you call this soup? It’s just hot water in a cup. No flavor at all. It just smells. I don’t want it. Bring me another soup.

SERVANT. All right. I'll take it away. The boss said if you didn't want it, you needn't take it.

SERVANT. Okay. I'll take it away. The boss said if you don't want it, you don't have to take it.

KHLESTAKOV [putting his hand over the dishes]. Well, well, leave it alone, you fool. You may be used to treat other people this way, but I'm not that sort. I advise you not to try it on me. My God! What soup! [Goes on eating.] I don't think anybody in the world tasted such soup. Feathers floating on the top instead of butter. [Cuts the piece of chicken in the soup.] Oh, oh, oh! What a bird!—Give me the roast beef. There's a little soup left, Osip. Take it. [Cuts the meat.] What sort of roast beef is this? This isn't roast beef.

KHLESTAKOV [covering the dishes with his hand]. Come on, just leave it alone, you idiot. You might be used to treating others this way, but I'm not that kind of person. I suggest you don't try that with me. My God! This soup! [Continues eating.] I don’t think anyone in the world has ever tasted a soup like this. Feathers floating on top instead of butter. [Cuts a piece of chicken from the soup.] Oh, oh, oh! What a bird!—Give me the roast beef. There’s a bit of soup left, Osip. Take it. [Cuts the meat.] What kind of roast beef is this? This isn't roast beef.

SERVANT. What else is it?

SERVANT. What else could it be?

KHLESTAKOV. The devil knows, but it isn't roast beef. It's roast iron, not roast beef. [Eats.] Scoundrels! Crooks! The stuff they give you to eat! It makes your jaws ache to chew one piece of it. [Picks his teeth with his fingers.] Villains! It's as tough as the bark of a tree. I can't pull it out no matter how hard I try. Such meat is enough to ruin one's teeth. Crooks! [Wipes his mouth with the napkin.] Is there nothing else?

KHLESTAKOV. Who knows what it is, but it’s definitely not roast beef. It’s like chewing on metal, not meat. [Eats.] Unbelievable! Total rip-offs! The food they serve you! It makes your jaw hurt just to bite into it. [Picks his teeth with his fingers.] What a bunch of crooks! It’s tougher than tree bark. I can’t get it out no matter how hard I try. This kind of meat could ruin anyone’s teeth. Thieves! [Wipes his mouth with the napkin.] Is there really nothing else?

SERVANT. No.

SERVANT. Nope.

KHLESTAKOV. Scoundrels! Blackguards! They might have given some decent pastry, or something, the lazy good-for-nothings! Fleecing their guests! That's all they're good for.

KHLESTAKOV. What a bunch of lowlifes! They could have at least offered some decent pastries or something; those lazy good-for-nothings! Just taking advantage of their guests! That’s all they’re good at.

[The Servant takes the dishes and carries them out accompanied by Osip.]

[The Servant picks up the dishes and takes them out with Osip.]

SCENE VII

Khlestakov alone.

Khlestakov is by himself.

KHLESTAKOV. It's just as if I had eaten nothing at all, upon my word. It has only whetted my appetite. If I only had some change to send to the market and buy some bread.

KHLESTAKOV. It's like I haven't eaten anything at all, honestly. It's just made me more hungry. If only I had some cash to send to the market and buy some bread.

OSIP [entering]. The Governor has come, I don't know what for. He's inquiring about you.

OSIP [entering]. The Governor is here, and I’m not sure why. He’s asking about you.

KHLESTAKOV [in alarm]. There now! That inn-keeper has gone and made a complaint against me. Suppose he really claps me into jail? Well! If he does it in a gentlemanly way, I may—No, no, I won't. The officers and the people are all out on the street and I set the fashion for them and the merchant's daughter and I flirted. No, I won't. And pray, who is he? How dare he, actually? What does he take me for? A tradesman? I'll tell him straight out, "How dare you? How—"

KHLESTAKOV [panicking]. Look at that! That innkeeper has gone and filed a complaint against me. What if he really sends me to jail? Well! If he does it politely, I might—No, no, I won’t. The officers and everyone else are all out on the street, and I set the trend for them, and I was flirting with the merchant's daughter. No, I won't. And who does he think he is? How dare he? What does he take me for? A tradesman? I’ll tell him right to his face, “How dare you? How—”

[The door knob turns and Khlestakov goes pale and shrinks back.]

[The doorknob turns and Khlestakov goes pale and steps back.]

SCENE VIII

Khlestakov, the Governor, and Dobchinsky.

The Governor advances a few steps and stops. They stare at each other a few moments wide-eyed and frightened.

The Governor takes a few steps forward and stops. They look at each other for a few moments, wide-eyed and scared.

GOVERNOR [recovering himself a little and saluting military fashion]. I have come to present my compliments, sir.

GOVERNOR [gaining his composure a bit and saluting like a soldier]. I’ve come to offer my respects, sir.

KHLESTAKOV [bows]. How do you do, sir?

KHLESTAKOV [bows]. How are you, sir?

GOVERNOR. Excuse my intruding.

GOVERNOR. Sorry to intrude.

KHLESTAKOV. Pray don't mention it.

KHLESTAKOV. No problem, don't mention it.

GOVERNOR. It's my duty as chief magistrate of this town to see that visitors and persons of rank should suffer no inconveniences.

GOVERNOR. As the main authority of this town, it's my responsibility to ensure that visitors and people of importance experience no inconveniences.

KHLESTAKOV [a little halting at first, but toward the end in a loud, firm voice]. Well—what was—to be—done? It's not—my fault. I'm—really going to pay. They will send me money from home. [Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.] He's most to blame. He gives me beef as hard as a board and the soup—the devil knows what he put into it. I ought to have pitched it out of the window. He starves me the whole day. His tea is so peculiar—it smells of fish, not tea. So why should I—The idea!

KHLESTAKOV [a little hesitant at first, but towards the end in a loud, firm voice]. Well—what was—I supposed to do? It's not—my fault. I'm—actually going to pay. They will send me money from home. [Bobchinsky peeks in at the door.] He's mostly to blame. He gives me beef as tough as wood and the soup—who knows what he put in it. I should have thrown it out the window. He starves me all day. His tea is so weird—it smells like fish, not tea. So why should I—The idea!

GOVERNOR [scared]. Excuse me! I assure you, it's not my fault. I always have good beef in the market here. The Kholmogory merchants bring it, and they are sober, well-behaved people. I'm sure I don't know where he gets his bad meat from. But if anything is wrong, may I suggest that you allow me to take you to another place?

GOVERNOR [scared]. Excuse me! I promise you, it's not my fault. I always have good beef available in the market here. The Kholmogory merchants bring it in, and they are responsible, well-mannered people. I really don't know where he gets his bad meat from. But if there's a problem, can I suggest that I take you to another place?

KHLESTAKOV. No, I thank you. I don't care to leave. I know what the other place is—the jail. What right have you, I should like to know—how dare you?—Why, I'm in the government service at St. Petersburg. [Puts on a bold front.] I—I—I—

KHLESTAKOV. No, thanks. I don’t want to leave. I know what the other place is—the jail. What gives you the right, I’d like to know—how dare you?—I’m in the government service in St. Petersburg. [Puts on a bold front.] I—I—I—

GOVERNOR [aside]. My God, how angry he is. He has found out everything. Those damned merchants have told him everything.

GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh man, he’s so furious. He’s figured everything out. Those damn merchants have spilled the beans.

KHLESTAKOV [with bravado]. I won't go even if you come here with your whole force. I'll go straight to the minister. [Bangs his fist on the table.] What do you mean? What do you mean?

KHLESTAKOV [with bravado]. I won't go, even if you bring your whole crew here. I'll go straight to the minister. [Bangs his fist on the table.] What do you mean? What do you mean?

GOVERNOR [drawing himself up stiffly and shaking all over]. Have pity on me. Don't ruin me. I have a wife and little children. Don't bring misfortune on a man.

GOVERNOR [standing up straight and trembling]. Please have mercy on me. Don't destroy my life. I have a wife and young kids. Don't bring bad luck to a person.

KHLESTAKOV. No, I won't go. What's that got to do with me? Must I go to jail because you have a wife and little children? Great! [Bobchinsky looks in at the door and disappears in terror.] No, much obliged to you. I will not go.

KHLESTAKOV. No, I’m not going. What does that have to do with me? Do I have to go to jail because you have a wife and kids? Great! [Bobchinsky looks in at the door and quickly leaves in fear.] No, thanks, but I’m not going.

GOVERNOR [trembling]. It was my inexperience. I swear to you, it was nothing but my inexperience and insufficient means. Judge for yourself. The salary I get is not enough for tea and sugar. And if I have taken bribes, they were mere trifles—something for the table, or a coat or two. As for the officer's widow to whom they say I gave a beating, she's in business now, and it's a slander, it's a slander that I beat her. Those scoundrels here invented the lie. They are ready to murder me. That's the kind of people they are.

GOVERNOR [trembling]. It was my inexperience. I promise you, it was just my lack of experience and not enough resources. Judge for yourself. The salary I earn isn't enough for just tea and sugar. And if I have accepted bribes, they were only small things—something for the table or a coat or two. As for the officer's widow, whom they claim I assaulted, she's doing well now, and it's a false accusation, a false accusation that I harmed her. Those lowlifes here made up that lie. They would go so far as to kill me. That's the kind of people they are.

KHLESTAKOV. Well. I've nothing to do with them. [Reflecting.] I don't see, though, why you should talk to me about your scoundrels or officer's widow. An officer's widow is quite a different matter.—But don't you dare to beat me. You can't do it to me—no, sir, you can't. The idea! Look at him! I'll pay, I'll pay the money. Just now I'm out of cash. That's why I stay here—because I haven't a single kopek.

KHLESTAKOV. Well. I have nothing to do with them. [Thinking.] I don't understand why you’re bringing up your lowlifes or the officer's widow. The officer's widow is a completely different story. — But don’t you even think about hitting me. You can't do that to me—no, sir, you can’t. The nerve! Look at him! I’ll pay, I’ll pay the money. Right now I’m out of cash. That’s why I’m stuck here—because I don’t have a single kopek.

GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh, he's a shrewd one. So that's what he's aiming at? He's raised such a cloud of dust you can't tell what direction he's going. Who can guess what he wants? One doesn't know where to begin. But I will try. Come what may, I'll try—hit or miss. [Aloud.] H'm, if you really are in want of money, I'm ready to serve you. It is my duty to assist strangers in town.

GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh, he's clever. So that's his goal? He’s created such a storm that you can't see which way he's heading. Who knows what he really wants? It's hard to know where to start. But I’ll give it a shot. No matter what, I’ll try—success or failure. [Aloud.] H'm, if you really need money, I’m here to help you. It’s my responsibility to assist newcomers in town.

KHLESTAKOV. Lend me some, lend me some. Then I'll settle up immediately with the landlord. I only want two hundred rubles. Even less would do.

KHLESTAKOV. Lend me some, lend me some. Then I’ll pay the landlord right away. I just need two hundred rubles. Even less would work.

GOVERNOR. There's just two hundred rubles. [Giving him the money.] Don't bother to count it.

GOVERNOR. It's only two hundred rubles. [Handing him the money.] You don't need to count it.

KHLESTAKOV [taking it]. Very much obliged to you. I'll send it back to you as soon as I get home. I just suddenly found myself without—H'm—I see you are a gentleman. Now it's all different.

KHLESTAKOV [taking it]. Thank you very much. I'll return it to you as soon as I get home. I just suddenly found myself without—H'm—I see you're a gentleman. That changes everything.

GOVERNOR [aside]. Well, thank the Lord, he's taken the money. Now I suppose things will move along smoothly. I slipped four hundred instead of two into his hand.

GOVERNOR [aside]. Well, thank God, he took the money. Now I guess things will go smoothly. I slipped him four hundred instead of two.

KHLESTAKOV. Ho, Osip! [Osip enters.] Tell the servant to come. [To the Governor and Dobchinsky.] Please be seated. [To Dobchinsky.] Please take a seat, I beg of you.

KHLESTAKOV. Hey, Osip! [Osip enters.] Tell the servant to come. [To the Governor and Dobchinsky.] Please sit down. [To Dobchinsky.] I insist, take a seat.

GOVERNOR. Don't trouble. We can stand.

GOVERNOR. No need to worry. We can manage standing.

KHLESTAKOV. But, please, please be seated. I now see perfectly how open-hearted and generous you are. I confess I thought you had come to put me in—[To Dobchinsky.] Do take a chair.

KHLESTAKOV. But, please, have a seat. I can see now how kind and generous you are. I admit I thought you had come to put me in—[To Dobchinsky.] Please, take a chair.

The Governor and Dobchinsky sit down. Bobchinsky looks in at the door and listens.

The Governor and Dobchinsky sit down. Bobchinsky peeks in through the door and listens.

GOVERNOR [aside]. I must be bolder. He wants us to pretend he is incognito. Very well, we will talk nonsense, too. We'll pretend we haven't the least idea who he is. [Aloud.] I was going about in the performance of my duty with Piotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky here—he's a landed proprietor here—and we came to the inn to see whether the guests are properly accommodated—because I'm not like other governors, who don't care about anything. No, apart from my duty, out of pure Christian philanthropy, I wish every mortal to be decently treated. And as if to reward me for my pains, chance has afforded me this pleasant acquaintance.

GOVERNOR [aside]. I need to be more daring. He wants us to act like he’s incognito. Fine, we’ll talk nonsense too. We’ll pretend we have no idea who he is. [Aloud.] I was doing my job with Piotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky here—he’s a landowner in this area—and we stopped by the inn to check if the guests are being taken care of properly—because I’m not like those other governors who don’t care about anything. No, aside from my duty, out of pure Christian compassion, I want everyone to be treated decently. And just to reward me for my efforts, fate has given me this enjoyable encounter.

KHLESTAKOV. I, too, am delighted. Without your aid, I confess, I should have had to stay here a long time. I didn't know how in the world to pay my bill.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm really glad too. Honestly, without your help, I would have been stuck here for a while. I had no idea how I was going to pay my bill.

GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh, yes, fib on.—Didn't know how to pay his bill! May I ask where your Honor is going?

GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh, sure, keep lying.—Didn't know how to pay his bill! Can I ask where you’re headed, Your Honor?

KHLESTAKOV. I'm going to my own village in the Government of Saratov.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm heading to my own village in the Saratov region.

GOVERNOR [aside, with an ironical expression on his face]. The Government of Saratov! H'm, h'm! And doesn't even blush! One must be on the qui vive with this fellow. [Aloud.] You have undertaken a great task. They say travelling is disagreeable because of the delay in getting horses but, on the other hand, it is a diversion. You are travelling for your own amusement, I suppose?

GOVERNOR [aside, with an ironic look on his face]. The Government of Saratov! H'm, h'm! And he doesn't even flinch! One has to be alert with this guy. [Aloud.] You’ve taken on quite a task. They say traveling is unpleasant because of the delays in getting horses, but on the flip side, it can be entertaining. I assume you're traveling for your own enjoyment, right?

KHLESTAKOV. No, my father wants me. He's angry because so far I haven't made headway in the St. Petersburg service. He thinks they stick the Vladimir in your buttonhole the minute you get there. I'd like him to knock about in the government offices for a while.

KHLESTAKOV. No, my dad wants me. He's mad because I haven't made any progress in the St. Petersburg job yet. He thinks they hand you the Vladimir badge as soon as you arrive. I wish he could spend some time in the government offices.

GOVERNOR [aside]. How he fabricates! Dragging in his old father, too. [Aloud.] And may I ask whether you are going there to stay for long?

GOVERNOR [aside]. What a storyteller! Bringing his old dad into it, too. [Aloud.] Can I ask if you're planning to stay there for a while?

KHLESTAKOV. I really don't know. You see, my father is stubborn and stupid—an old dotard as hard as a block of wood. I'll tell him straight out, "Do what you will, I can't live away from St. Petersburg." Really, why should I waste my life among peasants? Our times make different demands on us. My soul craves enlightenment.

KHLESTAKOV. I honestly have no idea. My dad is so stubborn and clueless—an old fool as tough as a piece of wood. I’ll just tell him straight up, "Do what you want, but I can’t live away from St. Petersburg." Seriously, why should I waste my life with peasants? Our time calls for something different. I need to feel inspired.

GOVERNOR [aside]. He can spin yarns all right. Lie after lie and never trips. And such an ugly insignificant-looking creature, too. Why, it seems to me I could crush him with my finger nails. But wait, I'll make you talk. I'll make you tell me things. [Aloud.] You were quite right in your observation, that one can do nothing in a dreary out-of-the-way place. Take this town, for instance. You lie awake nights, you work hard for your country, you don't spare yourself, and the reward? You don't know when it's coming. [He looks round the room.] This room seems rather damp.

GOVERNOR [aside]. He can tell stories alright. Lie after lie and never falters. And he looks so ugly and insignificant, too. Honestly, I feel like I could crush him with my fingernails. But wait, I’ll get you to talk. I’ll make you spill your secrets. [Aloud.] You were spot on when you said that nothing ever happens in a dull, out-of-the-way place. Take this town, for example. You lie awake at night, you work hard for your country, you don’t hold back, and what do you get in return? You have no idea when it’ll happen. [He looks around the room.] This room feels pretty damp.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's a dirty room. And the bugs! I've never experienced anything like them. They bite like dogs.

KHLESTAKOV. Yeah, this room is a mess. And the bugs! I've never seen anything like them. They bite hard.

GOVERNOR. You don't say! An illustrious guest like you to be subjected to such annoyance at the hands of—whom? Of vile bugs which should never have been born. And I dare say, it's dark here, too.

GOVERNOR. You can’t be serious! A distinguished guest like you should never have to deal with such irritation caused by—who? By disgusting bugs that shouldn’t even exist. And I must say, it’s pretty dark in here, too.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, very gloomy. The landlord has introduced the custom of not providing candles. Sometimes I want to do something—read a bit, or, if the fancy strikes me, write something.—I can't. It's a dark room, yes, very dark.

KHLESTAKOV. Yeah, it’s really dark. The landlord has started this annoying habit of not giving out candles. Sometimes I feel like doing something—like reading a bit, or if I’m inspired, writing something. But I can’t. It’s a dark room, really dark.

GOVERNOR. I wonder if I might be bold enough to ask you—but, no, I'm unworthy.

GOVERNOR. I wonder if I can be brave enough to ask you—but, no, I’m not worthy.

KHLESTAKOV. What is it?

KHLESTAKOV. What’s going on?

GOVERNOR. No, no, I'm unworthy. I'm unworthy.

GOVERNOR. No, no, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it.

KHLESTAKOV. But what is it?

KHLESTAKOV. But what is that?

GOVERNOR. If I might be bold enough—I have a fine room for you at home, light and cosy. But no, I feel it is too great an honor. Don't be offended. Upon my word, I made the offer out of the simplicity of my heart.

GOVERNOR. If I may be bold—I have a nice room for you at my place, bright and cozy. But no, I think it’s too big of an honor. Please don’t take it the wrong way. Honestly, I made the offer from the kindness of my heart.

KHLESTAKOV. On the contrary, I accept your invitation with pleasure. I should feel much more comfortable in a private house than in this disreputable tavern.

KHLESTAKOV. On the contrary, I gladly accept your invitation. I would feel much more at ease in a private home than in this sleazy tavern.

GOVERNOR. I'm only too delighted. How glad my wife will be. It's my character, you know. I've always been hospitable from my very childhood, especially when my guest is a distinguished person. Don't think I say this out of flattery. No, I haven't that vice. I only speak from the fullness of my heart.

GOVERNOR. I'm really happy about this. My wife will be so pleased. It's just who I am, you know. I've always been welcoming since I was a kid, especially when the guest is someone important. Don't think I'm saying this to flatter you. No, that's not me. I’m just expressing what I genuinely feel.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm greatly obliged to you. I myself hate double-faced people. I like your candor and kind-heartedness exceedingly. And I am free to say, I ask for nothing else than devotion and esteem—esteem and devotion.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm really grateful to you. I can't stand two-faced people. I really appreciate your honesty and kindness. I can honestly say, I want nothing more than loyalty and respect—respect and loyalty.

SCENE IX

The above and the Servant, accompanied by Osip. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.

The above and the Servant, along with Osip, are there. Bobchinsky sneaks a glance through the door.

SERVANT. Did your Honor wish anything?

SERVANT. Did you need anything, sir?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, let me have the bill.

KHLESTAKOV. Yeah, can I get the bill?

SERVANT. I gave you the second one a little while ago.

SERVANT. I handed you the second one a little while ago.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, I can't remember your stupid accounts. Tell me what the whole comes to.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, I can't remember your dumb numbers. Just tell me what the total is.

SERVANT. You were pleased to order dinner the first day. The second day you only took salmon. And then you took everything on credit.

SERVANT. You were happy to order dinner the first day. The second day, you only had salmon. And then you got everything on credit.

KHLESTAKOV. Fool! [Starts to count it all up now.] How much is it altogether?

KHLESTAKOV. Fool! [Starts to tally it all up now.] How much is it in total?

GOVERNOR. Please don't trouble yourself. He can wait. [To the Servant.] Get out of here. The money will be sent to you.

GOVERNOR. Please don't worry about it. He can wait. [To the Servant.] Get lost. The money will be sent to you.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, that's so, of course. [He puts the money in his pocket.]

KHLESTAKOV. Yeah, that’s right, of course. [He puts the money in his pocket.]

The Servant goes out. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.

The servant goes out. Bobchinsky sneaks a look in through the door.

SCENE X

The Governor, Khlestakov and Dobchinsky.

The Governor, Khlestakov, and Dobchinsky.

GOVERNOR. Would you care to inspect a few institutions in our town now—the philanthropic institutions, for instance, and others?

GOVERNOR. Would you like to check out some organizations in our town now—the charitable ones, for example, and others?

KHLESTAKOV. But what is there to see?

KHLESTAKOV. But what is there to look at?

GOVERNOR. Well, you'll see how they're run—the order in which we keep them.

GOVERNOR. Well, you’ll see how they operate—the sequence in which we manage them.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, with the greatest pleasure. I'm ready.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, I'd be thrilled. I'm all set.

Bobchinsky puts his head in at the door.

Bobchinsky pokes his head in through the door.

GOVERNOR. And then, if you wish, we can go from there and inspect the district school and see our method of education.

GOVERNOR. And then, if you want, we can head over and check out the district school to see how we educate.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, if you please.

KHLESTAKOV. Sure, why not.

GOVERNOR. Afterwards, if you should like to visit our town jails and prisons, you will see how our criminals are kept.

GOVERNOR. Later on, if you'd like to check out our town jails and prisons, you can see how we take care of our criminals.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, but why go to prison? We had better go to see the philanthropic institutions.

KHLESTAKOV. Yeah, yeah, but why go to jail? We should check out the charitable organizations instead.

GOVERNOR. As you please. Do you wish to ride in your own carriage, or with me in the cab?

GOVERNOR. As you wish. Do you want to ride in your own carriage, or with me in the cab?

KHLESTAKOV. I'd rather take the cab with you.

KHLESTAKOV. I’d prefer to share the cab with you.

GOVERNOR [to Dobchinsky]. Now there'll be no room for you, Piotr Ivanovich.

GOVERNOR [to Dobchinsky]. Now there won't be any space for you, Piotr Ivanovich.

DOBCHINSKY. It doesn't matter. I'll walk.

DOBCHINSKY. It's all good. I'll walk.

GOVERNOR [aside, to Dobchinsky]. Listen. Run as fast as you can and take two notes, one to Zemlianika at the hospital, the other to my wife. [To Khlestakov.] May I take the liberty of asking you to permit me to write a line to my wife to tell her to make ready to receive our honored guest?

GOVERNOR [aside, to Dobchinsky]. Listen. Run as fast as you can and deliver two notes, one to Zemlianika at the hospital and the other to my wife. [To Khlestakov.] Can I take the liberty of asking if I can write a quick note to my wife to let her know to prepare for our honored guest?

KHLESTAKOV. Why go to so much trouble? However, there is the ink. I don't know whether there is any paper. Would the bill do?

KHLESTAKOV. Why go to all this trouble? Anyway, there’s the ink. I’m not sure if there’s any paper. Would the bill work?

GOVERNOR. Yes, that'll do. [Writes, talking to himself at the same time.] We'll see how things will go after lunch and several stout-bellied bottles. We have some Russian Madeira, not much to look at, but it will knock an elephant off its legs. If I only knew what he is and how much I have to be [on] my guard.

GOVERNOR. Yeah, that works. [Writes, muttering to himself.] We'll find out how things go after lunch and a few hearty bottles. We have some Russian Madeira—might not be pretty, but it’ll take down an elephant. If only I knew what he’s really like and how careful I need to be.

He finishes writing and gives the notes to Dobchinsky. As the latter walks across the stage, the door suddenly falls in, and Bobchinsky tumbles in with it to the floor. All exclaim in surprise. Bobchinsky rises.

He finishes writing and hands the notes to Dobchinsky. As Dobchinsky walks across the stage, the door suddenly crashes open, and Bobchinsky stumbles in with it, landing on the floor. Everyone exclaims in surprise. Bobchinsky gets up.

KHLESTAKOV. Have you hurt yourself?

KHLESTAKOV. Did you hurt yourself?

BOBCHINSKY. Oh, it's nothing—nothing at all—only a little bruise on my nose. I'll run in to Dr. Hübner's. He has a sort of plaster. It'll soon pass away.

BOBCHINSKY. Oh, it's nothing—really—just a small bruise on my nose. I'll head over to Dr. Hübner's. He has some kind of bandage. It'll be fine soon.

GOVERNOR [making an angry gesture at Bobchinsky. To Khlestakov]. Oh, it's nothing. Now, if you please, sir, we'll go. I'll tell your servant to carry your luggage over. [Calls Osip.] Here, my good fellow, take all your master's things to my house, the Governor's. Anyone will tell you where it is. By your leave, sir. [Makes way for Khlestakov and follows him; then turns and says reprovingly to Bobchinsky.] Couldn't you find some other place to fall in? Sprawling out here like a lobster!

GOVERNOR [gesturing angrily at Bobchinsky. To Khlestakov]. Oh, it's nothing. Now, if you don’t mind, sir, we’ll head out. I’ll have your servant take your bags over. [Calls Osip.] Hey there, my good man, please take all your master’s stuff to my house, the Governor's. Anyone will point you in the right direction. With your permission, sir. [Moves aside for Khlestakov and follows him; then turns and says disapprovingly to Bobchinsky.] Couldn't you find somewhere else to collapse? Sprawling out here like a lobster!

Goes out. After him Bobchinsky. Curtain falls.

Goes out. Bobchinsky follows him. Curtain falls.

ACT III

SCENE: The same as in Act I.

SCENE I

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna standing at the window in the same positions as at the end of Act I.

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna are standing at the window in the same positions as at the end of Act I.

ANNA. There now! We've been waiting a whole hour. All on account of your silly prinking. You were completely dressed, but no, you have to keep on dawdling.—Provoking! Not a soul to be seen, as though on purpose, as though the whole world were dead.

ANNA. Well, here we go! We've been waiting an entire hour. All because of your silly fussing. You were already dressed, but no, you just had to keep stalling.—It's infuriating! There's not a single person around, almost like it's by design, as if the whole world is dead.

MARYA. Now really, mamma, we shall know all about it in a minute or two. Avdotya must come back soon. [Looks out of the window and exclaims.] Oh, mamma, someone is coming—there down the street!

MARYA. Honestly, mom, we’ll know everything in just a minute or two. Avdotya should be back any second now. [Looks out the window and exclaims.] Oh, mom, someone is coming—down the street!

ANNA. Where? Just your imagination again!—Why, yes, someone is coming. I wonder who it is. A short man in a frock coat. Who can it be? Eh? The suspense is awful! Who can it be, I wonder.

ANNA. Where? Just your imagination again!—Oh, yes, someone is coming. I wonder who it is. A short guy in a coat. Who could it be? Huh? The suspense is terrible! Who can it be, I wonder.

MARYA. Dobchinsky, mamma.

MARYA. Dobchinsky, Mom.

ANNA. Dobchinsky! Your imagination again! It's not Dobchinsky at all. [Waves her handkerchief.] Ho, you! Come here! Quick!

ANNA. Dobchinsky! You're using your imagination again! It's not Dobchinsky at all. [Waves her handkerchief.] Hey, you! Come here! Fast!

MARYA. It is Dobchinsky, mamma.

MARYA. It's Dobchinsky, Mom.

ANNA. Of course, you've got to contradict. I tell you, it's not Dobchinsky.

ANNA. Of course, you have to disagree. I'm telling you, it's not Dobchinsky.

MARYA. Well, well, mamma? Isn't it Dobchinsky?

MARYA. Well, well, Mom? Isn’t that Dobchinsky?

ANNA. Yes, it is, I see now. Why do you argue about it? [Calls through the window.] Hurry up, quick! You're so slow. Well, where are they? What? Speak from where you are. It's all the same. What? He is very strict? Eh? And how about my husband? [Moves away a little from the window, exasperated.] He is so stupid. He won't say a word until he is in the room.

ANNA. Yes, it is, I see that now. Why are you arguing about it? [Calls through the window.] Hurry up, come on! You're so slow. Well, where are they? What? Speak from where you are. It doesn't matter. What? He's really strict? Huh? And what about my husband? [Moves away a little from the window, frustrated.] He's so clueless. He won't say a word until he's in the room.

SCENE II

Enter Dobchinsky.

ANNA. Now tell me, aren't you ashamed? You were the only one I relied on to act decently. They all ran away and you after them, and till now I haven't been able to find out a thing. Aren't you ashamed? I stood godmother to your Vanichka and Lizanko, and this is the way you treat me.

ANNA. Now tell me, aren’t you ashamed? You were the only one I could count on to act with decency. They all ran away, and you followed them, and until now I haven’t been able to find out anything. Aren’t you ashamed? I was the godmother to your Vanichka and Lizanko, and this is how you treat me.

DOBCHINSKY. Godmother, upon my word, I ran so fast to pay my respects to you that I'm all out of breath. How do you do, Marya Antonovna?

DOBCHINSKY. Godmother, I promise, I ran so fast to come see you that I’m out of breath. How are you, Marya Antonovna?

MARYA. Good afternoon, Piotr Ivanovich.

Marya. Good afternoon, Piotr.

ANNA. Well, tell me all about it. What is happening at the inn?

ANNA. So, tell me everything. What's going on at the inn?

DOBCHINSKY. I have a note for you from Anton Antonovich.

DOBCHINSKY. I have a message for you from Anton Antonovich.

ANNA. But who is he? A general?

DOBCHINSKY. No, not a general, but every bit as good as a general, I tell you. Such culture! Such dignified manners!

DOBCHINSKY. No, not a general, but just as good as one, I swear. Such culture! Such dignified manners!

ANNA. Ah! So he is the same as the one my husband got a letter about.

ANNA. Ah! So he’s the same one my husband got a letter about.

DOBCHINSKY. Exactly. It was Piotr Ivanovich and I who first discovered him.

DOBCHINSKY. Exactly. Piotr Ivanovich and I were the ones who first found him.

ANNA. Tell me, tell me all about it.

ANNA. Tell me, tell me everything about it.

DOBCHINSKY. It's all right now, thank the Lord. At first he received Anton Antonovich rather roughly. He was angry and said the inn was not run properly, and he wouldn't come to the Governor's house and he didn't want to go to jail on account of him. But then when he found out that Anton Antonovich was not to blame and they got to talking more intimately, he changed right away, and, thank Heaven, everything went well. They've gone now to inspect the philanthropic institutions. I confess that Anton Antonovich had already begun to suspect that a secret denunciation had been lodged against him. I myself was trembling a little, too.

DOBCHINSKY. It's all good now, thank God. At first, he treated Anton Antonovich pretty harshly. He was upset and said the inn was poorly run, and that he wouldn’t come to the Governor's house and didn’t want to end up in jail because of him. But when he realized that Anton Antonovich wasn’t at fault and they started to chat more casually, he switched gears right away, and, thank goodness, everything turned out fine. They've gone to check out the charitable institutions now. I admit, Anton Antonovich was starting to think that someone had secretly reported him. I was feeling a bit on edge too.

ANNA. What have you to be afraid of? You're not an official.

ANNA. What are you afraid of? You're not an official.

DOBCHINSKY. Well, you see, when a Grand Mogul speaks, you feel afraid.

DOBCHINSKY. Well, you see, when a Grand Mogul talks, it makes you feel scared.

ANNA. That's all rubbish. Tell me, what is he like personally? Is he young or old?

ANNA. That's all nonsense. Tell me, what is he like as a person? Is he young or old?

DOBCHINSKY. Young—a young man of about twenty-three. But he talks as if he were older. "If you will allow me," he says, "I will go there and there." [Waves his hands.] He does it all with such distinction. "I like," he says, "to read and write, but I am prevented because my room is rather dark."

DOBCHINSKY. Young—a young man of around twenty-three. But he speaks as if he's older. "If you don't mind," he says, "I'll go here and there." [Waves his hands.] He does it all with such flair. "I enjoy," he says, "reading and writing, but I'm held back because my room is pretty dark."

ANNA. And what sort of a looking man is he, dark or fair?

ANNA. So, what does he look like? Is he dark or fair?

DOBCHINSKY. Neither. I should say rather chestnut. And his eyes dart about like little animals. They make you nervous.

DOBCHINSKY. Neither. I’d say more like a chestnut. And his eyes move around like little animals. They make you nervous.

ANNA. Let me see what my husband writes. [Reads.] "I hasten to let you know, dear, that my position was extremely uncomfortable, but relying on the mercy of God, two pickles extra and a half portion of caviar, one ruble and twenty-five kopeks." [Stops.] I don't understand. What have pickles and caviar got to do with it?

ANNA. Let me see what my husband wrote. [Reads.] "I'm rushing to tell you, dear, that my situation was really uncomfortable, but trusting in God's mercy, I got two extra pickles and half a portion of caviar, one ruble and twenty-five kopeks." [Stops.] I don't get it. What do pickles and caviar have to do with anything?

DOBCHINSKY. Oh, Anton Antonovich hurriedly wrote on a piece of scrap paper. There's a kind of bill on it.

DOBCHINSKY. Oh, Anton Antonovich quickly scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. There's some sort of bill on it.

ANNA. Oh, yes, I see. [Goes on reading.] "But relying on the mercy of God, I believe all will turn out well in the end. Get a room ready quickly for the distinguished guest—the one with the gold wall paper. Don't bother to get any extras for dinner because we'll have something at the hospital with Artemy Filippovich. Order a little more wine, and tell Abdulin to send the best, or I'll wreck his whole cellar. I kiss your hand, my dearest, and remain yours, Anton Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky." Oh my! I must hurry. Hello, who's there? Mishka?

ANNA. Oh, I see. [Continues reading.] "But trusting in God's mercy, I believe everything will turn out fine in the end. Quickly prepare a room for the distinguished guest—the one with the gold wallpaper. Don't worry about extra dinner because we'll eat something at the hospital with Artemy Filippovich. Order a bit more wine, and tell Abdulin to send the best, or I'll destroy his entire cellar. I kiss your hand, my dearest, and remain yours, Anton Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky." Oh my! I need to hurry. Hello, who's there? Mishka?

DOBCHINSKY [Runs to the door and calls.] Mishka! Mishka! Mishka! [Mishka enters.]

ANNA. Listen! Run over to Abdulin—wait, I'll give you a note. [She sits down at the table and writes, talking all the while.] Give this to Sidor, the coachman, and tell him to take it to Abdulin and bring back the wine. And get to work at once and make the gold room ready for a guest. Do it nicely. Put a bed in it, a wash basin and pitcher and everything else.

ANNA. Listen! Go over to Abdulin—wait, I'll give you a note. [She sits down at the table and writes, still talking.] Give this to Sidor, the coachman, and tell him to take it to Abdulin and bring back the wine. And start working right away to get the gold room ready for a guest. Do it well. Put a bed in there, a wash basin and pitcher, and everything else.

DOBCHINSKY. Well, I'm going now, Anna Andreyevna, to see how he does the inspecting.

DOBCHINSKY. Well, I’m off now, Anna Andreyevna, to see how he handles the inspection.

ANNA. Go on, I'm not keeping you.

ANNA. Go ahead, I'm not holding you up.

SCENE III

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

ANNA. Now, Mashenka, we must attend to our toilet. He's a metropolitan swell and God forbid that he should make fun of us. You put on your blue dress with the little flounces. It's the most becoming.

ANNA. Now, Mashenka, we need to get ready. He's a city guy, and we definitely don't want him to laugh at us. Wear your blue dress with the little flounces. It looks the best on you.

MARYA. The idea, mamma! The blue dress! I can't bear it. Liapkin-Tiapkin's wife wears blue and so does Zemlianika's daughter. I'd rather wear my flowered dress.

MARYA. The thought, mom! The blue dress! I can't stand it. Liapkin-Tiapkin's wife wears blue and so does Zemlianika’s daughter. I’d rather wear my floral dress.

ANNA. Your flowered dress! Of course, just to be contrary. You'll look lots better in blue because I'm going to wear my dun-colored dress. I love dun-color.

ANNA. Your floral dress! Of course, just to be difficult. You'll look way better in blue because I'm going to wear my beige dress. I love beige.

MARYA. Oh, mamma, it isn't a bit becoming to you.

MARYA. Oh, Mom, it doesn't look good on you at all.

ANNA. What, dun-color isn't becoming to me?

ANNA. What, does dun color not look good on me?

MARYA. No, not a bit. I'm positive it isn't. One's eyes must be quite dark to go with dun-color.

MARYA. No, not at all. I'm sure it isn't. You need to have really dark eyes to match that brownish color.

ANNA. That's nice! And aren't my eyes dark? They are as dark as can be. What nonsense you talk! How can they be anything but dark when I always draw the queen of clubs.

ANNA. That's nice! And don't my eyes look dark? They're as dark as can be. What nonsense you talk! How can they be anything but dark when I always draw the queen of clubs.

MARYA. Why, mamma, you are more like the queen of hearts.

MARYA. Why, mom, you’re more like the queen of hearts.

ANNA. Nonsense! Perfect nonsense! I never was a queen of hearts. [She goes out hurriedly with Marya and speaks behind the scenes.] The ideas she gets into her head! Queen of hearts! Heavens! What do you think of that?

ANNA. Nonsense! Complete nonsense! I was never a queen of hearts. [She exits quickly with Marya and speaks offstage.] The ideas she gets in her head! Queen of hearts! Oh my God! What do you think of that?

As they go out, a door opens through which Mishka sweeps dirt on to the stage. Osip enters from another door with a valise on his head.

As they exit, a door opens and Mishka sweeps dirt onto the stage. Osip comes in through another door with a suitcase on his head.

SCENE IV

Mishka and Osip.

OSIP. Where is this to go?

OSIP. Where is this supposed to go?

MISHKA. In here, in here.

MISHKA. In here! In here!

OSIP. Wait, let me fetch breath first. Lord! What a wretched life! On an empty stomach any load seems heavy.

OSIP. Hold on, let me catch my breath first. Wow! What a miserable life! With an empty stomach, any burden feels too much to bear.

MISHKA. Say, uncle, will the general be here soon?

MISHKA. Hey, uncle, will the general be here soon?

OSIP. What general?

OSIP. Which general?

MISHKA. Your master.

MISHKA. Your boss.

OSIP. My master? What sort of a general is he?

OSIP. My master? What kind of general is he?

MISHKA. Isn't he a general?

OSIP. Yes, he's a general, only the other way round.

OSIP. Yes, he’s a general, just in a different way.

MISHKA. Is that higher or lower than a real general?

MISHKA. Is that higher or lower than an actual general?

OSIP. Higher.

OSIP. Elevated.

MISHKA. Gee whiz! That's why they are raising such a racket about him here.

MISHKA. Wow! That's why they're making such a fuss about him here.

OSIP. Look here, young man, I see you're a smart fellow. Get me something to eat, won't you?

OSIP. Hey there, young man, I can tell you're a sharp guy. Can you get me something to eat, please?

MISHKA. There isn't anything ready yet for the likes of you. You won't eat plain food. When your master takes his meal, they'll let you have the same as he gets.

MISHKA. There’s nothing prepared yet for someone like you. You won’t eat simple food. When your master has his meal, they’ll let you have what he gets.

OSIP. But have you got any plain stuff?

OSIP. But do you have any straightforward things?

MISHKA. We have cabbage soup, porridge and pie.

MISHKA. We have cabbage soup, oatmeal, and pie.

OSIP. That's all right. We'll eat cabbage soup, porridge and pie, we'll eat everything. Come, help me with the valise. Is there another way to go out there?

OSIP. That's fine. We'll have cabbage soup, porridge, and pie; we'll eat everything. Come, help me with the suitcase. Is there another way to get out there?

MISHKA. Yes.

MISHKA. Yeah.

They both carry the valise into the next room.

They both take the suitcase into the next room.

SCENE V

The Sergeants open both folding doors. Khlestakov enters followed by the Governor, then the Superintendent of Charities, the Inspector of Schools, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky with a plaster on his nose. The Governor points to a piece of paper lying on the floor, and the Sergeants rush to pick it up, pushing each other in their haste.

The Sergeants open both folding doors. Khlestakov walks in, followed by the Governor, then the Superintendent of Charities, the Inspector of Schools, and Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky, who has a bandage on his nose. The Governor points to a piece of paper on the floor, and the Sergeants rush to grab it, shoving each other in their eagerness.

KHLESTAKOV. Excellent institutions. I like the way you show strangers everything in your town. In other towns they didn't show me a thing.

KHLESTAKOV. Great institutions. I really appreciate how you show visitors everything in your town. In other places, they didn't show me anything.

GOVERNOR. In other towns, I venture to observe, the authorities and officials look out for themselves more. Here, I may say, we have no other thought than to win the Government's esteem through good order, vigilance, and efficiency.

GOVERNOR. In other towns, I’d say the authorities and officials tend to look out for their own interests more. Here, I can say, we’re focused solely on earning the Government's respect through good management, attentiveness, and effectiveness.

KHLESTAKOV. The lunch was excellent. I've positively overeaten. Do you set such a fine table every day?

KHLESTAKOV. The lunch was amazing. I definitely overindulged. Do you put out such a great spread every day?

GOVERNOR. In honor of so agreeable a guest we do.

GOVERNOR. In honor of such a pleasant guest, we do.

KHLESTAKOV. I like to eat well. That's what a man lives for—to pluck the flowers of pleasure. What was that fish called?

KHLESTAKOV. I enjoy eating good food. That's what life is about—to seize the pleasures. What was that fish called?

ARTEMY [running up to him]. Labardan.

KHLESTAKOV. It was delicious. Where was it we had our lunch? In the hospital, wasn't it?

KHLESTAKOV. It was amazing. Where did we have lunch? In the hospital, right?

ARTEMY. Precisely, in the hospital.

ARTEMY. Exactly, in the hospital.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, I remember. There were beds there. The patients must have gotten well. There don't seem to have been many of them.

KHLESTAKOV. Yeah, yeah, I remember. There were beds there. The patients must have recovered. There don't seem to have been many of them.

ARTEMY. About ten are left. The rest recovered. The place is so well run, there is such perfect order. It may seem incredible to you, but ever since I've taken over the management, they all recover like flies. No sooner does a patient enter the hospital than he feels better. And we obtain this result not so much by medicaments as by honesty and orderliness.

ARTEMY. There are about ten left. The rest have recovered. The place is so well run, there's such perfect order. It might seem unbelievable to you, but ever since I took over management, they all recover really quickly. No sooner does a patient enter the hospital than they start feeling better. And we achieve this not so much through medication as through honesty and organization.

GOVERNOR. In this connection may I venture to call your attention to what a brain-racking job the office of Governor is. There are so many matters he has to give his mind to just in connection with keeping the town clean and repairs and alterations. In a word, it is enough to upset the most competent person. But, thank God, all goes well. Another governor, of course, would look out for his own advantage. But believe me, even nights in bed I keep thinking: "Oh, God, how could I manage things in such a way that the government would observe my devotion to duty and be satisfied?" Whether the government will reward me or not, that of course, lies with them. At least I'll have a clear conscience. When the whole town is in order, the streets swept clean, the prisoners well kept, and few drunkards—what more do I want? Upon my word, I don't even crave honors. Honors, of course, are alluring; but as against the happiness which comes from doing one's duty, they are nothing but dross and vanity.

GOVERNOR. In this context, can I point out how challenging the job of Governor really is? There are so many issues he has to think about, just in terms of keeping the town clean and managing repairs and updates. In short, it’s enough to overwhelm even the most skilled person. But thankfully, everything is going well. Another governor might prioritize his own interests. But honestly, even at night in bed, I find myself thinking: "Oh, God, how can I handle things so that the government sees my dedication and is satisfied?" Whether the government will recognize me or not, that's up to them. At least I can have a clear conscience. When the entire town is organized, the streets are clean, the prisoners are taken care of, and there are few drunkards—what more could I want? Honestly, I don’t even desire honors. Sure, honors are tempting, but compared to the joy that comes from fulfilling one’s duty, they’re nothing but worthless distractions.

ARTEMY [aside]. Oh, the do-nothing, the scoundrel! How he holds forth! I wish the Lord had blessed me with such a gift!

ARTEMY [aside]. Oh, the slacker, the scoundrel! Look at him go on and on! I wish the Lord had given me such a talent!

KHLESTAKOV. That's so. I admit I sometimes like to philosophize, too. Sometimes it's prose, and sometimes it comes out poetry.

KHLESTAKOV. That's true. I admit I sometimes enjoy philosophizing, too. Sometimes it’s prose, and sometimes it turns into poetry.

BOBCHINSKY [to Dobchinsky]. How true, how true it all is, Piotr Ivanovich. His remarks are great. It's evident that he is an educated man.

BOBCHINSKY [to Dobchinsky]. How true, how true it all is, Piotr Ivanovich. His comments are spot on. It's clear that he's an educated man.

KHLESTAKOV. Would you tell me, please, if you have any amusements here, any circles where one could have a game of cards?

KHLESTAKOV. Could you please tell me if there are any activities around here, or any places where you could play cards?

GOVERNOR [aside]. Ahem! I know what you are aiming at, my boy. [Aloud.] God forbid! Why, no one here has even heard of such a thing as card-playing circles. I myself have never touched a card. I don't know how to play. I can never look at cards with indifference, and if I happen to see a king of diamonds or some such thing, I am so disgusted I have to spit out. Once I made a house of cards for the children, and then I dreamt of those confounded things the whole night. Heavens! How can people waste their precious time over cards!

GOVERNOR [aside]. Ahem! I know what you're getting at, my boy. [Aloud.] God forbid! No one here has even heard of card-playing circles. I've never touched a card myself. I don't know how to play. I can't look at cards without feeling something, and if I see a king of diamonds or something like that, I feel so disgusted I have to spit. Once I made a house of cards for the kids, and I ended up dreaming about those annoying things all night. Good grief! How can people waste their valuable time on cards!

LUKA LUKICH [aside]. But he faroed me out of a hundred rubles yesterday, the rascal.

LUKA LUKICH [aside]. But he cheated me out of a hundred rubles yesterday, that scoundrel.

GOVERNOR. I'd rather employ my time for the benefit of the state.

GOVERNOR. I'd prefer to spend my time doing something useful for the state.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, well, that's rather going too far. It all depends upon the point of view. If, for instance, you pass when you have to treble stakes, then of course—No, don't say that a game of cards isn't very tempting sometimes.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, come on, that's going a bit too far. It all depends on how you look at it. If, for example, you decide to leave when you have to triple your bets, then sure—No, don’t say that a card game isn’t really tempting sometimes.

SCENE VI

The above, Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

GOVERNOR. Permit me to introduce my family, my wife and daughter.

GOVERNOR. Let me introduce my family, my wife and daughter.

KHLESTAKOV [bowing]. I am happy, madam, to have the pleasure of meeting you.

KHLESTAKOV [bowing]. I'm glad, ma'am, to have the pleasure of meeting you.

ANNA. Our pleasure in meeting so distinguished a person is still greater.

ANNA. We're even more pleased to meet someone as distinguished as you.

KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Excuse me, madam, on the contrary, my pleasure is the greater.

KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Excuse me, ma'am, but actually, the pleasure is all mine.

ANNA. Impossible. You condescend to say it to compliment me. Won't you please sit down?

ANNA. No way. You’re just saying that to flatter me. Could you please sit down?

KHLESTAKOV. Just to stand near you is bliss. But if you insist, I will sit down. I am so, so happy to be at your side at last.

KHLESTAKOV. Just being near you is pure joy. But if you want, I'll sit down. I'm so, so happy to finally be by your side.

ANNA. I beg your pardon, but I dare not take all the nice things you say to myself. I suppose you must have found travelling very unpleasant after living in the capital.

ANNA. I'm sorry, but I can't take all the nice things you say to heart. I guess traveling must have been really uncomfortable for you after living in the city.

KHLESTAKOV. Extremely unpleasant. I am accustomed, comprenez-vous, to life in the fashionable world, and suddenly to find myself on the road, in dirty inns with dark rooms and rude people—I confess that if it were not for this chance which—[giving Anna a look and showing off] compensated me for everything—

KHLESTAKOV. This is really unpleasant. I'm used, you know, to life in the fashionable world, and suddenly finding myself on the road, in dirty inns with dark rooms and rude people—I admit that if it weren't for this chance that—[giving Anna a look and showing off] made up for everything—

ANNA. It must really have been extremely unpleasant for you.

ANNA. It must have been really uncomfortable for you.

KHLESTAKOV. At this moment, however, I find it exceedingly pleasant, madam.

KHLESTAKOV. Right now, though, I find it really nice, ma'am.

ANNA. Oh, I cannot believe it. You do me much honor. I don't deserve it.

ANNA. Oh, I can't believe it. You honor me a lot. I don't deserve it.

KHLESTAKOV. Why don't you deserve it? You do deserve it, madam.

KHLESTAKOV. Why don't you think you deserve it? You do deserve it, ma'am.

ANNA. I live in a village.

ANNA. I live in a small town.

KHLESTAKOV. Well, after all, a village too has something. It has its hills and brooks. Of course it's not to be compared with St. Petersburg. Ah, St. Petersburg! What a life, to be sure! Maybe you think I am only a copying clerk. No, I am on a friendly footing with the chief of our department. He slaps me on the back. "Come, brother," he says, "and have dinner with me." I just drop in the office for a couple of minutes to say this is to be done so, and that is to be done that way. There's a rat of a clerk there for copying letters who does nothing but scribble all the time—tr, tr—They even wanted to make me a college assessor, but I think to myself, "What do I want it for?" And the doorkeeper flies after me on the stairs with the shoe brush. "Allow me to shine your boots for you, Ivan Aleksandrovich," he says. [To the Governor.] Why are you standing, gentleman? Please sit down.

KHLESTAKOV. Well, after all, a village has its own charm. It has its hills and streams. Of course, it can't compare to St. Petersburg. Ah, St. Petersburg! What a life, for sure! Maybe you think I'm just a clerk. No, I have a friendly relationship with the head of our department. He gives me a pat on the back. "Come on, brother," he says, "join me for dinner." I just pop into the office for a couple of minutes to say this needs to be done like this, and that should be done that way. There's this lazy clerk who just copies letters all day—tr, tr—they even wanted to make me a college assessor, but I think, "What would I even want that for?" And the doorkeeper runs after me on the stairs with a shoe brush. "Let me shine your boots for you, Ivan Aleksandrovich," he says. [To the Governor.] Why are you just standing there, gentlemen? Please, have a seat.

          {GOVERNOR. Our rank is such that we can very
 Together { well stand.         {ARTEMY. We don't mind standing.
          {LUKA. Please don't trouble.

          {GOVERNOR. Our position is such that we can stand strong together.         
          {ARTEMY. We don't mind standing.         
          {LUKA. Please don’t worry.

KHLESTAKOV. Please sit down without the rank. [The Governor and the rest sit down.] I don't like ceremony. On the contrary, I always like to slip by unobserved. But it's impossible to conceal oneself, impossible. I no sooner show myself in a place than they say, "There goes Ivan Aleksandrovich!" Once I was even taken for the commander-in-chief. The soldiers rushed out of the guard-house and saluted. Afterwards an officer, an intimate acquaintance of mine, said to me: "Why, old chap, we completely mistook you for the commander-in-chief."

KHLESTAKOV. Please have a seat without the formalities. [The Governor and the others sit down.] I’m not big on ceremony. Actually, I prefer to blend in and go unnoticed. But it’s impossible to stay hidden, absolutely impossible. No sooner do I show up somewhere than people say, "Look, it’s Ivan Aleksandrovich!" There was even one time when I was mistaken for the commander-in-chief. The soldiers rushed out of the guardhouse and saluted. Later, an officer, a good friend of mine, told me, "Man, we totally thought you were the commander-in-chief."

ANNA. Well, I declare!

ANNA. Well, I swear!

KHLESTAKOV. I know pretty actresses. I've written a number of vaudevilles, you know. I frequently meet literary men. I am on an intimate footing with Pushkin. I often say to him: "Well, Pushkin, old boy, how goes it?" "So, so, partner," he'd reply, "as usual." He's a great original.

KHLESTAKOV. I know some pretty actresses. I've written a bunch of vaudevilles, you know. I often hang out with writers. I'm really close with Pushkin. I frequently say to him, "Hey, Pushkin, old pal, how's it going?" "So, so, buddy," he’d respond, "same as always." He's a real original.

ANNA. So you write too? How thrilling it must be to be an author! You write for the papers also, I suppose?

ANNA. So you write too? It must be so exciting to be an author! You write for the papers as well, I assume?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, for the papers, too. I am the author of a lot of works—The Marriage of Figaro, Robert le Diable, Norma. I don't even remember all the names. I did it just by chance. I hadn't meant to write, but a theatrical manager said, "Won't you please write something for me?" I thought to myself: "All right, why not?" So I did it all in one evening, surprised everybody. I am extraordinarily light of thought. All that has appeared under the name of Baron Brambeus was written by me, and the The Frigate of Hope and The Moscow Telegraph.

KHLESTAKOV. Yeah, for the papers, too. I’ve written a lot of works—The Marriage of Figaro, Robert le Diable, Norma. I can’t even remember all the titles. It just happened by chance. I hadn’t planned to write, but a theater manager asked, "Would you mind writing something for me?" I thought, "Sure, why not?" So I did it all in one evening, and it amazed everyone. I’m really lighthearted when it comes to thought. Everything that’s come out under the name Baron Brambeus was written by me, along with The Frigate of Hope and The Moscow Telegraph.

ANNA. What! So you are Brambeus?

ANNA. What! So you're Brambeus?

KHLESTAKOV. Why, yes. And I revise and whip all their articles into shape. Smirdin gives me forty thousand for it.

KHLESTAKOV. Of course. I go through and polish all their articles. Smirdin pays me forty thousand for it.

ANNA. I suppose, then, that Yury Miroslavsky is yours too.

ANNA. I guess that means Yury Miroslavsky is yours as well.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's mine.

KHLESTAKOV. Yeah, it's mine.

ANNA. I guessed at once.

ANNA. I figured it out immediately.

MARYA. But, mamma, it says that it's by Zagoskin.

MARYA. But, mom, it says it’s by Zagoskin.

ANNA. There! I knew you'd be contradicting even here.

ANNA. There! I knew you'd still be arguing even here.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, it's so. That was by Zagoskin. But there is another Yury Miroslavsky which was written by me.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, that's true. That was written by Zagoskin. But there's another one, Yury Miroslavsky, which I wrote.

ANNA. That's right. I read yours. It's charming.

ANNA. That's right. I read yours. It's lovely.

KHLESTAKOV. I admit I live by literature. I have the first house in St. Petersburg. It is well known as the house of Ivan Aleksandrovich. [Addressing the company in general.] If any of you should come to St. Petersburg, do please call to see me. I give balls, too, you know.

KHLESTAKOV. I admit I live by literature. I have the best house in St. Petersburg. It’s well known as the house of Ivan Aleksandrovich. [Addressing the group.] If any of you happen to be in St. Petersburg, please come by and visit me. I host parties too, just so you know.

ANNA. I can guess the taste and magnificence of those balls.

ANNA. I can imagine how great those balls must be.

KHLESTAKOV. Immense! For instance, watermelon will be served costing seven hundred rubles. The soup comes in the tureen straight from Paris by steamer. When the lid is raised, the aroma of the steam is like nothing else in the world. And we have formed a circle for playing whist—the Minister of Foreign Affairs, the French, the English and the German Ambassadors and myself. We play so hard we kill ourselves over the cards. There's nothing like it. After it's over I'm so tired I run home up the stairs to the fourth floor and tell the cook, "Here, Marushka, take my coat"—What am I talking about?—I forgot that I live on the first floor. One flight up costs me—My foyer before I rise in the morning is an interesting spectacle indeed—counts and princes jostling each other and humming like bees. All you hear is buzz, buzz, buzz. Sometimes the Minister—[The Governor and the rest rise in awe from their chairs.] Even my mail comes addressed "Your Excellency." And once I even had charge of a department. A strange thing happened. The head of the department went off, disappeared, no one knew where. Of course there was a lot of talk about how the place would be filled, who would fill it, and all that sort of thing. There were ever so many generals hungry for the position, and they tried, but they couldn't cope with it. It's too hard. Just on the surface it looks easy enough; but when you come to examine it closely, it's the devil of a job. When they saw they couldn't manage, they came to me. In an instant the streets were packed full with couriers, nothing but couriers and couriers—thirty-five thousand of them, imagine! Pray, picture the situation to yourself! "Ivan Aleksandrovich, do come and take the directorship of the department." I admit I was a little embarrassed. I came out in my dressing-gown. I wanted to decline, but I thought it might reach the Czar's ears, and, besides, my official record—"Very well, gentlemen," I said, "I'll accept the position, I'll accept. So be it. But mind," I said, "na-na-na, LOOK SHARP is the word with me, LOOK SHARP!" And so it was. When I went through the offices of my department, it was a regular earthquake, Everyone trembled and shook like a leaf. [The Governor and the rest tremble with fright. Khlestakov works himself up more and more as he speaks.] Oh, I don't like to joke. I got all of them thoroughly scared, I tell you. Even the Imperial Council is afraid of me. And really, that's the sort I am. I don't spare anybody. I tell them all, "I know myself, I know myself." I am everywhere, everywhere. I go to Court daily. Tomorrow they are going to make me a field-marsh—

KHLESTAKOV. Incredible! For example, a watermelon will be served that costs seven hundred rubles. The soup comes in the tureen straight from Paris by steamer. When the lid is lifted, the aroma of the steam is unlike anything else in the world. And we've created a circle for playing whist—the Minister of Foreign Affairs, the French, the English, the German Ambassadors, and me. We play so intensely we nearly drive ourselves crazy over the cards. There’s nothing like it. After we’re done, I’m so exhausted I run home up the stairs to the fourth floor and tell the cook, "Here, Marushka, take my coat"—What am I saying?—I forgot I live on the first floor. Climbing one flight is a workout—My foyer before I get up in the morning is quite the scene—counts and princes bumping into each other and buzzing like bees. All you hear is buzz, buzz, buzz. Sometimes the Minister—[The Governor and the others rise in awe from their chairs.] Even my mail comes addressed "Your Excellency." Once, I even had charge of a department. A strange thing happened. The head of the department vanished, no one knew where he went. Of course, there was a lot of gossip about who would take over and all that. Many generals were eager for the position, but they couldn’t handle it. It looks easy on the surface, but when you take a closer look, it’s a real challenge. When they realized they couldn’t cope, they came to me. Suddenly the streets were packed with couriers, nothing but couriers—thirty-five thousand of them, can you believe it? Imagine the situation! "Ivan Aleksandrovich, please come and take the directorship of the department." I admit I was a bit flustered. I came out in my pajamas. I wanted to say no, but I thought it might get back to the Czar, and besides, my official record—"All right, gentlemen,” I said, “I’ll accept the position, I’ll accept. So be it. But mind,” I said, “na-na-na, LOOK SHARP is the rule with me, LOOK SHARP!" And that's how it went. When I walked through the offices of my department, it was complete chaos. Everyone was trembling and shaking like a leaf. [The Governor and the rest tremble with fright. Khlestakov works himself up more and more as he speaks.] Oh, I don't like to joke. I really frightened them all, I tell you. Even the Imperial Council is afraid of me. And honestly, that's the kind of person I am. I don’t spare anyone. I tell them all, "I know myself, I know myself." I'm everywhere, everywhere. I go to Court every day. Tomorrow, they’re going to make me a field-marshal—

He slips and almost falls, but is respectfully held up by the officials.

He slips and nearly falls, but the officials kindly catch him.

GOVERNOR [walks up to him trembling from top to toe and speaking with a great effort]. Your Ex-ex-ex- KHLESTAKOV [curtly]. What is it?

GOVERNOR [walks up to him shaking all over and speaking with a lot of effort]. Your ex-ex-ex- KHLESTAKOV [shortly]. What is it?

GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex-ex- KHLESTAKOV [as before]. I can't make out a thing, it's all nonsense.

GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex-ex- KHLESTAKOV [just like before]. I can't figure anything out; it's all nonsense.

GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex—Your 'lency—Your Excellency, wouldn't you like to rest a bit? Here's a room and everything you may need.

GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex—Your 'lency—Your Excellency, wouldn't you like to take a break? Here's a room and everything you might need.

KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense—rest! However, I'm ready for a rest. Your lunch was fine, gentlemen. I am satisfied, I am satisfied. [Declaiming.] Labardan! Labardan!

KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense—rest! But I am ready for a break. Your lunch was great, gentlemen. I'm satisfied, I'm satisfied. [Declaiming.] Labardan! Labardan!

He goes into the next room followed by the Governor.

He walks into the next room with the Governor right behind him.

SCENE VII

The same without Khlestakov and the Governor.

BOBCHINSKY [to Dobchinsky]. There's a man for you, Piotr Ivanovich. That's what I call a man. I've never in my life been in the presence of so important a personage. I almost died of fright. What do you think is his rank, Piotr Ivanovich?

BOBCHINSKY [to Dobchinsky]. There's a guy for you, Piotr Ivanovich. That's what I call a real man. I've never in my life been around such an important person. I was almost scared to death. What do you think his rank is, Piotr Ivanovich?

DOBCHINSKY. I think he's almost a general.

DOBCHINSKY. I think he's basically a general.

BOBCHINSKY. And I think a general isn't worth the sole of his boots. But if he is a general, then he must be the generalissimo himself. Did you hear how he bullies the Imperial Council? Come, let's hurry off to Ammos Fiodorovich and Korobkin and tell them about it. Good-by, Anna Andreyevna.

BOBCHINSKY. I don't think a general is worth the sole of his boots. But if he is a general, then he must be the top general himself. Did you hear how he bosses around the Imperial Council? Come on, let's hurry over to Ammos Fiodorovich and Korobkin and tell them about it. Goodbye, Anna Andreyevna.

DOBCHINSKY. Good afternoon, godmother.

DOBCHINSKY. Good afternoon, godmom.

Both go out.

ARTEMY. It makes your heart sink and you don't know why. We haven't even our uniforms on. Suppose after he wakes up from his nap he goes and sends a report about us to St. Petersburg. [He goes out sunk in thought, with the School Inspector, both saying.] Good-by, madam.

ARTEMY. It makes you feel uneasy, and you can't quite put your finger on it. We haven't even put our uniforms on. What if, after he wakes up from his nap, he goes and sends a report about us to St. Petersburg? [He exits, deep in thought, with the School Inspector, both saying.] Goodbye, ma'am.

SCENE VIII

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

ANNA. Oh, how charming he is!

MARYA. A perfect dear!

Marya. An absolute sweetheart!

ANNA. Such refined manners. You can recognize the big city article at once. How he carries himself, and all that sort of thing! Exquisite! I'm just crazy for young men like him. I am in ecstasies—beside myself. He liked me very much though. I noticed he kept looking at me all the time.

ANNA. Such polished manners. You can tell right away that he's from the city. The way he carries himself, and all that! It's amazing! I'm totally into young men like him. I'm in absolute bliss—completely thrilled. He seemed to really like me, though. I noticed he kept staring at me the whole time.

MARYA. Oh, mamma, he looked at me.

MARYA. Oh, mom, he looked at me.

ANNA. No more nonsense please. It's out of place now.

ANNA. No more nonsense, please. It’s not appropriate anymore.

MARYA. But really, mamma, he did look at me.

MARYA. But seriously, mom, he did look at me.

ANNA. There you go! For God's sake, don't argue. You mustn't. That's enough. What would he be looking at you for? Please tell me, why would he be looking at you?

ANNA. There you go! For goodness' sake, don’t argue. You can’t. That’s enough. Why would he be looking at you? Please tell me, why would he be looking at you?

MARYA. It's true, mamma. He kept looking at me. He looked at me when he began to speak about literature and he looked at me afterwards, when he told about how he played whist with the ambassadors.

MARYA. It's true, Mom. He kept staring at me. He looked at me when he started talking about literature and he looked at me afterwards, when he talked about how he played whist with the ambassadors.

ANNA. Well, maybe he looked at you once or twice and might have said to himself, "Oh, well, I'll give her a look."

ANNA. Well, maybe he glanced at you once or twice and thought to himself, "Oh, well, I'll check her out."

SCENE IX

The same and the Governor.

GOVERNOR. Sh-sh!

Governor. Shh!

ANNA. What is it?

ANNA. What's up?

GOVERNOR. I wish I hadn't given him so much to drink. Suppose even half of what he said is true? [Sunk in thought.] How can it not be true? A man in his cups is always on the surface. What's in his heart is on his tongue. Of course he fibbed a little. No talking is possible without some lying. He plays cards with the ministers and he visits the Court. Upon my word the more you think the less you know what's going on in your head. I'm as dizzy as if I were standing in a belfry, or if I were going to be hanged, the devil take it!

GOVERNOR. I wish I hadn't let him drink so much. What if even half of what he said is true? [Sunk in thought.] How could it not be true? A drunk person always speaks their mind. What’s in their heart comes out on their tongue. Sure, he exaggerated a bit. You can't have a conversation without some lying. He plays cards with the ministers and visits the Court. Honestly, the more you think, the less you understand what's happening in your own head. I'm as confused as if I were standing in a bell tower, or like I'm about to be hanged, damn it!

ANNA. And I didn't feel the least bit afraid. I simply saw a high-toned, cultured man of the world, and his rank and titles didn't make me feel a bit queer.

ANNA. And I didn't feel the slightest bit afraid. I simply saw a sophisticated, cultured man of the world, and his status and titles didn't make me feel any weirdness at all.

GOVERNOR. Oh, well, you women. To say women and enough's said. Everything is froth and bubble to you. All of a sudden you blab out words that don't make the least sense. The worst you'd get would be a flogging; but it means ruination to the husband.—Say, my dear, you are as familiar with him as if he were another Bobchinsky.

GOVERNOR. Oh, come on, you women. Just saying "women" says it all. Everything is just fluff to you. Out of nowhere, you spill words that don't even make sense. The worst you’d get is a spanking

ANNA. Leave that to us. Don't bother about that. [Glancing at Marya.] We know a thing or two in that line.

ANNA. Leave that to us. Don't worry about it. [Glancing at Marya.] We know a thing or two about that.

GOVERNOR [to himself]. Oh, what's the good of talking to you! Confound it all! I can't get over my fright yet. [Opens the door and calls.] Mishka, tell the sergeants, Svistunov and Derzhimorda, to come here. They are near the gate. [After a pause of silence.] The world has turned into a queer place. If at least the people were visible so you could see them; but they are such a skinny, thin race. How in the world could you tell what he is? After all you can tell a military man; but when he wears a frock-coat, it's like a fly with clipped wings. He kept it up a long time in the inn, got off a lot of allegories and ambiguities so that you couldn't make out head or tail. Now he's shown himself up at last.—Spouted even more than necessary. It's evident that he's a young man.

GOVERNOR [to himself]. Oh, what's the point of talking to you! Damn it all! I still can't shake off my fear. [Opens the door and calls.] Mishka, tell the sergeants, Svistunov and Derzhimorda, to come here. They’re near the gate. [After a pause of silence.] The world has become such a strange place. If only people were visible so you could actually see them; but they’re such a skinny, frail bunch. How on earth could you identify anyone? You can usually recognize a soldier; but when he’s wearing a frock coat, it’s like a fly with clipped wings. He kept it going for quite a while at the inn, threw out a lot of metaphors and vague statements so that you couldn’t figure out what was what. Now he’s finally revealed himself—spouted even more than he needed to. It’s clear that he’s a young man.

SCENE X

The same and Osip. All rush to meet Osip, beckoning to him.

The same and Osip. Everyone rushes to greet Osip, waving him over.

ANNA. Come here, my good man.

ANNA. Come here, buddy.

GOVERNOR. Hush! Tell me, tell me, is he asleep?

GOVERNOR. Quiet! Tell me, tell me, is he sleeping?

OSIP. No, not yet. He's stretching himself a little.

OSIP. No, not yet. He's pushing himself a bit.

ANNA. What's your name?

OSIP. Osip, madam.

OSIP. Osip, ma'am.

GOVERNOR [to his wife and daughter]. That'll do, that'll do. [To Osip.] Well, friend, did they give you a good meal?

GOVERNOR [to his wife and daughter]. That's enough, that's enough. [To Osip.] So, my friend, did they serve you a good meal?

OSIP. Yes, sir, very good. Thank you kindly.

OSIP. Yes, sir, very well. Thank you very much.

ANNA. Your master has lots of counts and princes visiting him, hasn't he?

ANNA. Your boss has a lot of counts and princes visiting him, doesn't he?

OSIP [aside]. What shall I say? Seeing as they've given me such good feed now, I s'pose they'll do even better later. [Aloud.] Yes, counts do visit him.

OSIP [aside]. What should I say? Since they've provided me with such good food now, I guess they'll treat me even better later. [Aloud.] Yes, the counts do come to see him.

MARYA. Osip, darling, isn't your master just grand?

MARYA. Osip, sweetheart, isn’t your boss just amazing?

ANNA. Osip, please tell me, how is he—

GOVERNOR. Do stop now. You just interfere with your silly talk. Well, friend, how—

GOVERNOR. Stop it now. You're just getting in the way with your nonsense. So, friend, how—

ANNA. What is your master's rank?

ANNA. What is your boss's rank?

OSIP. The usual rank.

OSIP. The usual level.

GOVERNOR. For God's sake, your stupid questions keep a person from getting down to business. Tell me, friend, what sort of a man is your master? Is he strict? Does he rag and bully a fellow—you know what I mean—does he or doesn't he?

GOVERNOR. For goodness' sake, your ridiculous questions are keeping me from getting to the point. Tell me, my friend, what kind of man is your boss? Is he strict? Does he nag and bully someone—you know what I mean—does he or doesn't he?

OSIP. Yes, he likes things to be just so. He insists on things being just so.

OSIP. Yes, he likes things to be perfect. He demands that everything be perfect.

GOVERNOR. I like your face. You must be a fine man, friend. What—?

GOVERNOR. I like your face. You must be a good guy, my friend. What—?

ANNA. Listen, Osip, does your master wear uniform in St. Petersburg?

ANNA. Hey, Osip, does your boss wear a uniform in St. Petersburg?

GOVERNOR. Enough of your tattle now, really. This is a serious matter, a matter of life and death. (To Osip.) Yes, friend, I like you very much. It's rather chilly now and when a man's travelling an extra glass of tea or so is rather welcome. So here's a couple of rubles for some tea.

GOVERNOR. Enough of your gossip, really. This is serious, a matter of life and death. (To Osip.) Yes, my friend, I really like you. It’s a bit chilly now, and when someone is traveling, an extra glass of tea or two is pretty welcome. So here’s a couple of rubles for some tea.

OSIP [taking the money.] Thank you, much obliged to you, sir. God grant you health and long life. You've helped a poor man.

OSIP [taking the money.] Thank you, I really appreciate it, sir. Wishing you good health and a long life. You've helped someone in need.

GOVERNOR. That's all right. I'm glad to do it. Now, friend—

GOVERNOR. That's fine. I'm happy to help. Now, buddy—

ANNA. Listen, Osip, what kind of eyes does your master like most?

ANNA. Hey, Osip, what type of eyes does your master like the most?

MARYA. Osip, darling, what a dear nose your master has!

MARYA. Osip, honey, your boss has such a cute nose!

GOVERNOR. Stop now, let me speak. [To Osip.] Tell me, what does your master care for most? I mean, when he travels what does he like?

GOVERNOR. Hold on, let me talk. [To Osip.] Tell me, what does your boss care about the most? I mean, when he travels, what does he enjoy?

OSIP. As for sights, he likes whatever happens to come along. But what he likes most of all is to be received well and entertained well.

OSIP. When it comes to sights, he enjoys whatever comes his way. But what he enjoys the most is being treated well and having a good time.

GOVERNOR. Entertained well?

GOVERNOR. Enjoying yourself?

OSIP. Yes, for instance, I'm nothing but a serf and yet he sees to it that I should be treated well, too. S'help me God! Say we'd stop at some place and he'd ask, "Well, Osip, have they treated you well?" "No, badly, your Excellency." "Ah," he'd say, "Osip, he's not a good host. Remind me when we get home." "Oh, well," thinks I to myself [with a wave of his hand]. "I am a simple person. God be with them."

OSIP. Yeah, for example, I'm just a servant, and still, he makes sure I’m treated well, too. I swear! If we stopped somewhere and he asked, “So, Osip, have they treated you well?” I’d say, “No, not really, your Excellency.” “Oh,” he’d say, “Osip, he’s not a good host. Remind me when we get home.” “Well,” I think to myself [with a wave of his hand]. “I’m just a simple person. God be with them.”

GOVERNOR. Very good. You talk sense. I've given you something for tea. Here's something for buns, too.

GOVERNOR. Great. You make a good point. I've got something for tea. Here's something for the buns, too.

OSIP. You are too kind, your Excellency. [Puts the money in his pocket.] I'll sure drink your health, sir.

OSIP. You’re too kind, Your Excellency. [Puts the money in his pocket.] I’ll definitely drink to your health, sir.

ANNA. Come to me, Osip, and I'll give you some, too.

ANNA. Come here, Osip, and I'll give you some, too.

MARYA. Osip, darling, kiss your master for me.

MARYA. Osip, sweetie, give your master a kiss for me.

Khlestakov is heard to give a short cough in the next room.

Khlestakov can be heard coughing lightly in the next room.

GOVERNOR. Hush! [Rises on tip-toe. The rest of the conversation in the scene is carried on in an undertone.] Don't make a noise, for heaven's sake! Go, it's enough.

GOVERNOR. Quiet! [Rises on tip-toe. The rest of the conversation in the scene is carried on in a whisper.] Please don't make any noise! Just go, that's enough.

ANNA. Come, Mashenka, I'll tell you something I noticed about our guest that I can't tell you unless we are alone together. [They go out.]

ANNA. Come on, Mashenka, I want to share something I noticed about our guest that I can't tell you unless we’re alone. [They go out.]

GOVERNOR. Let them talk away. If you went and listened to them, you'd want to stop up your ears. [To Osip.] Well, friend—

GOVERNOR. Let them keep talking. If you went and listened to them, you'd want to cover your ears. [To Osip.] Well, buddy—

SCENE XI

The same, Derzhimorda and Svistunov.

GOVERNOR. Sh—sh! Bandy-legged bears—thumping their boots on the floor! Bump, bump as if a thousand pounds were being unloaded from a wagon. Where in the devil have you been knocking about?

GOVERNOR. Sh—sh! Bow-legged bears—stomping their boots on the floor! Bump, bump as if a thousand pounds were being unloaded from a truck. Where the heck have you been wandering around?

DERZHIMORDA. I had your order—

DERZHIMORDA. I got your order—

GOVERNOR. Hush! [Puts his hand over Derzhimorda's mouth.] Like a bull bellowing. [Mocking him.] "I had your order—" Makes a noise like an empty barrel. [To Osip.] Go, friend, and get everything ready for your master. And you two, you stand on the steps and don't you dare budge from the spot. And don't let any strangers enter the house, especially the merchants. If you let a single one in, I'll—The instant you see anybody with a petition, or even without a petition and he looks as if he wanted to present a petition against me, take him by the scruff of the neck, give him a good kick, [shows with his foot] and throw him out. Do you hear? Hush—hush!

GOVERNOR. Quiet! [Puts his hand over Derzhimorda's mouth.] You're as loud as a bull. [Mocking him.] "I had your order—" Sounds like an empty barrel. [To Osip.] Go, buddy, and get everything ready for your boss. And you two, stay on the steps and don't even think about moving. Don't let any strangers into the house, especially the merchants. If you let even one in, I'll—The moment you see anyone with a petition, or even someone who looks like they want to file a complaint against me, grab them by the neck, give them a solid kick, [demonstrates with his foot] and toss them out. Got it? Quiet—quiet!

He goes out on tiptoe, preceded by the Sergeants.

He quietly walks out on tiptoe, followed by the Sergeants.

CURTAIN

ACT IV

SCENE: Same as in Act III.

SCENE I

Enter cautiously, almost on tiptoe, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, the Postmaster, Luka Lukich, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky in full dress-uniform.

Enter carefully, almost on tiptoe, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, the Postmaster, Luka Lukich, Dobchinsky, and Bobchinsky, all in full dress uniform.

AMMOS. For God's sake, gentlemen, quick, form your line, and let's have more order. Why, man alive, he goes to Court and rages at the Imperial Council. Draw up in military line, strictly in military line. You, Piotr Ivanovich, take your place there, and you, Piotr Ivanovich, stand here. [Both the Piotr Ivanoviches run on tiptoe to the places indicated.]

AMMOS. For God's sake, guys, hurry up, get in line, and let’s get some order here. Seriously, he goes to Court and loses it at the Imperial Council. Line up in a military formation, just like the military. You, Piotr Ivanovich, take your spot over there, and you, Piotr Ivanovich, stand here. [Both Piotr Ivanoviches tiptoe to their assigned spots.]

ARTEMY. Do as you please, Ammos Fiodorovich, I think we ought to try.

ARTEMY. Do whatever you want, Ammos Fiodorovich, I think we should give it a try.

AMMOS. Try what?

AMMOS. Try what now?

ARTEMY. It's clear what.

ARTEMY. It's obvious what.

AMMOS. Grease?

AMMOS. Lube?

ARTEMY. Exactly, grease.

ARTEMY. Exactly, lube.

AMMOS. It's risky, the deuce take it. He'll fly into a rage at us. He's a government official, you know. Perhaps it should be given to him in the form of a gift from the nobility for some sort of memorial?

AMMOS. It’s risky, damn it. He’ll blow up at us. He’s a government official, you know. Maybe it should be presented to him as a gift from the nobility for some kind of memorial?

POSTMASTER. Or, perhaps, tell him some money has been sent here by post and we don't know for whom?

POSTMASTER. Or, maybe, let him know that some money has been sent here by mail, and we don't know who it's for?

ARTEMY. You had better look out that he doesn't send you by post a good long ways off. Look here, things of such a nature are not done this way in a well-ordered state. What's the use of a whole regiment here? We must present ourselves to him one at a time, and do—what ought to be done, you know—so that eyes do not see and ears do not hear. That's the way things are done in a well-ordered society. You begin it, Ammos Fiodorovich, you be the first.

ARTEMY. You’d better be careful he doesn’t send you off somewhere far away by mail. Look, things like this aren’t handled this way in an organized society. What’s the point of having an entire regiment here? We need to approach him one at a time and do—what needs to be done, you know—so that nobody sees or hears anything. That’s how it’s done in a well-ordered society. You start us off, Ammos Fiodorovich; you go first.

AMMOS. You had better go first. The distinguished guest has eaten in your institution.

AMMOS. You should go first. The honored guest has eaten at your place.

ARTEMY. Then Luka Lukich, as the enlightener of youth, should go first.

ARTEMY. So Luka Lukich, as the guide for young people, should take the lead.

LUKA. I can't, I can't, gentlemen. I confess I am so educated that the moment an official a single degree higher than myself speaks to me, my heart stands still and I get as tongue-tied as though my tongue were caught in the mud. No, gentlemen, excuse me. Please let me off.

LUKA. I can't, I can't, guys. Honestly, I'm so well-educated that the moment anyone with even one higher title than mine talks to me, my heart stops, and I get so flustered it feels like my tongue is stuck in the mud. No, guys, please excuse me. Just let me off.

ARTEMY. It's you who have got to do it, Ammos Fiodorovich. There's no one else. Why, every word you utter seems to be issuing from Cicero's mouth.

ARTEMY. You're the one who has to do it, Ammos Fiodorovich. There's no one else. Honestly, everything you say sounds like it's coming straight from Cicero.

AMMOS. What are you talking about! Cicero! The idea! Just because a man sometimes waxes enthusiastic over house dogs or hunting hounds.

AMMOS. What are you talking about! Cicero! The idea! Just because a guy sometimes gets excited about house dogs or hunting dogs.

ALL [pressing him]. No, not over dogs, but the Tower of Babel, too. Don't forsake us, Ammos Fiodorovich, help us. Be our Saviour!

ALL [pressing him]. No, it's not about dogs, but the Tower of Babel, too. Don't abandon us, Ammos Fiodorovich, help us. Be our Savior!

AMMOS. Let go of me, gentlemen.

AMMOS. Let me go, guys.

Footsteps and coughing are heard in Khlestakov's room. All hurry to the door, crowding and jostling in their struggle to get out. Some are uncomfortably squeezed, and half-suppressed cries are heard.

Footsteps and coughing can be heard in Khlestakov's room. Everyone rushes to the door, crowding and pushing each other in their effort to get out. Some are packed in tightly, and you can hear muffled cries.

BOBCHINSKY'S VOICE. Oh, Piotr Ivanovich, you stepped on my foot.

ARTEMY. Look out, gentlemen, look out. Give me a chance to atone for my sins. You are squeezing me to death.

ARTEMY. Watch out, guys, watch out. Give me a chance to make up for my mistakes. You're squeezing me to death.

Exclamations of "Oh! Oh!" Finally they all push through the door, and the stage is left empty.

Exclamations of "Oh! Oh!" Finally, they all push through the door, and the stage is left empty.

SCENE II

Enter Khlestakov, looking sleepy.

Khlestakov enters, looking sleepy.

KHLESTAKOV [alone]. I seem to have had a fine snooze. Where did they get those mattresses and feather beds from? I even perspired. After the meal yesterday they must have slipped something into me that knocked me out. I still feel a pounding in my head. I see I can have a good time here. I like hospitality, and I must say I like it all the more if people entertain me out of a pure heart and not from interested motives. The Governor's daughter is not a bad one at all, and the mother is also a woman you can still—I don't know, but I do like this sort of life.

KHLESTAKOV [alone]. I think I had a great nap. Where did they get those mattresses and feather beds? I even broke a sweat. After yesterday's meal, they must have slipped something into my drink that knocked me out. I still feel this pounding in my head. It seems like I can have a good time here. I appreciate hospitality, and honestly, I like it even more when people welcome me out of genuine kindness rather than for selfish reasons. The Governor's daughter isn’t bad at all, and the mother is also a woman you can still—I don’t know, but I really enjoy this kind of life.

SCENE III

Khlestakov and the Judge.

JUDGE [comes in and stops. Talking to himself]. Oh, God, bring me safely out of this! How my knees are knocking together! [Drawing himself up and holding the sword in his hand. Aloud.] I have the honor to present myself—Judge of the District Court here, College Assessor Liapkin-Tiapkin.

JUDGE [enters and stops. Talking to himself]. Oh, God, get me through this! My knees are shaking! [Straightening up and holding the sword in his hand. Loudly.] I’m honored to introduce myself—Judge of the District Court here, College Assessor Liapkin-Tiapkin.

KHLESTAKOV. Please be seated. So you are the Judge here?

KHLESTAKOV. Please have a seat. So, you’re the Judge around here?

JUDGE. I was elected by the nobility in 1816 and I have served ever since.

JUDGE. I was elected by the nobles in 1816, and I've been serving ever since.

KHLESTAKOV. Does it pay to be a judge?

KHLESTAKOV. Is it worth it to be a judge?

JUDGE. After serving three terms I was decorated with the Vladimir of the third class with the approval of the government. [Aside.] I have the money in my hand and my hand is on fire.

JUDGE. After serving three terms, I was awarded the Vladimir of the third class with the government's approval. [Aside.] I have the money in my hand and my hand is on fire.

KHLESTAKOV. I like the Vladimir. Anna of the third class is not so nice.

KHLESTAKOV. I like the Vladimir. Anna from the third class isn't as great.

JUDGE [slightly extending his balled fist. Aside]. Good God! I don't know where I'm sitting. I feel as though I were on burning coals.

JUDGE [slightly extending his clenched fist. Aside]. Good Lord! I don’t know where I’m sitting. It feels like I’m on hot coals.

KHLESTAKOV. What have you got in your hand there?

KHLESTAKOV. What do you have in your hand?

AMMOS [getting all mixed up and dropping the bills on the floor]. Nothing.

KHLESTAKOV. How so, nothing? I see money has dropped out of it.

KHLESTAKOV. What do you mean, nothing? I see money has fallen out of it.

AMMOS [shaking all over]. Oh no, oh no, not at all! [Aside.] Oh, Lord! Now I'm under arrest and they've brought a wagon to take me.

AMMOS [trembling all over]. Oh no, oh no, not at all! [Aside.] Oh, God! Now I'm being arrested and they've brought a wagon to take me away.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it IS money. [Picking it up.]

AMMOS [aside]. It's all over with me. I'm lost! I'm lost!

AMMOS [aside]. It’s all over for me. I’m done for! I’m done for!

KHLESTAKOV. I tell you what—lend it to me.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm telling you—give it to me.

AMMOS [eagerly]. Why, of course, of course—with the greatest pleasure. [Aside.] Bolder! Bolder! Holy Virgin, stand by me!

AMMOS [eagerly]. Of course, of course—with the greatest pleasure. [Aside.] Be bold! Be bold! Holy Virgin, help me!

KHLESTAKOV. I've run out of cash on the road, what with one thing and another, you know. I'll let you have it back as soon as I get to the village.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm out of cash on the road, what with one thing and another, you know. I'll pay you back as soon as I get to the village.

AMMOS. Please don't mention it! It is a great honor to have you take it. I'll try to deserve it—by putting forth the best of my feeble powers, by my zeal and ardor for the government. [Rises from the chair and draws himself up straight with his hands hanging at his sides.] I will not venture to disturb you longer with my presence. You don't care to give any orders?

AMMOS. Please don’t mention it! It’s a huge honor to have you accept it. I’ll do my best to deserve it—by putting forth my best efforts, with my passion and dedication for the government. [Stands up straight with his hands at his sides.] I won’t keep you any longer. Do you have any orders for me?

KHLESTAKOV. What orders?

KHLESTAKOV. What orders are there?

JUDGE. I mean, would you like to give orders for the district court here?

JUDGE. I mean, would you like to take charge of the district court here?

KHLESTAKOV. What for? I have nothing to do with the court now. No, nothing. Thank you very much.

KHLESTAKOV. Why? I’m not involved with the court anymore. No, not at all. Thanks a lot.

AMMOS [bowing and leaving. Aside.]. Now the town is ours.

AMMOS [bowing and leaving. Aside.]. Now the town belongs to us.

KHLESTAKOV. The Judge is a fine fellow.

KHLESTAKOV. The Judge is a great guy.

SCENE IV

Khlestakov and the Postmaster.

POSTMASTER [in uniform, sword in hand. Drawing himself up]. I have the honor to present myself—Postmaster, Court Councilor Shpekin.

POSTMASTER [in uniform, sword in hand. Standing tall]. I have the honor to introduce myself—Postmaster, Court Councilor Shpekin.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad to meet you. I like pleasant company very much. Take a seat. Do you live here all the time?

KHLESTAKOV. I'm happy to meet you. I really enjoy good company. Have a seat. Do you live here all the time?

POSTMASTER. Yes, sir. Quite so.

POSTMASTER. Yes, sir. Absolutely.

KHLESTAKOV. I like this little town. Of course, there aren't many people. It's not very lively. But what of it? It isn't the capital. Isn't that so—it isn't the capital?

KHLESTAKOV. I like this small town. Sure, there aren't a lot of people. It's not very exciting. But so what? It’s not the capital. Right? It’s not the capital?

POSTMASTER. Quite so, quite so.

POSTMASTER. Exactly, exactly.

KHLESTAKOV. It's only in the capital that you find bon-ton and not a lot of provincial lubbers. What is your opinion? Isn't that so?

KHLESTAKOV. It's only in the capital that you find sophistication and not a lot of naive country folks. What do you think? Isn't that right?

POSTMASTER. Quite so. [Aside.] He isn't a bit proud. He inquires about everything.

POSTMASTER. Exactly. [Aside.] He's not proud at all. He asks about everything.

KHLESTAKOV. And yet you'll admit that one can live happily in a little town.

KHLESTAKOV. Still, you have to agree that it’s possible to be happy living in a small town.

POSTMASTER. Quite so.

POSTMASTER. Exactly.

KHLESTAKOV. In my opinion what you want is this—you want people to respect you and to love you sincerely. Isn't that so?

KHLESTAKOV. I think what you really want is this—you want people to respect you and genuinely love you. Am I right?

POSTMASTER. Exactly.

POSTMASTER. That's right.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad you agree with me. Of course, they call me queer. But that's the kind of character I am. [Looking him in the face and talking to himself.] I think I'll ask this postmaster for a loan. [Aloud.] A strange accident happened to me and I ran out of cash on the road. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?

KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad you see it my way. Sure, they call me weird. But that's just who I am. [Looking him in the face and talking to himself.] I think I'll ask this postmaster for a loan. [Aloud.] A strange thing happened to me, and I ran out of money on the way. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?

POSTMASTER. Of course. I shall esteem it a piece of great good fortune. I am ready to serve you with all my heart.

POSTMASTER. Of course. I consider it a great privilege. I’m here to assist you wholeheartedly.

KHLESTAKOV. Thank you very much. I must say, I hate like the devil to deny myself on the road. And why should I? Isn't that so?

KHLESTAKOV. Thank you very much. I have to say, I really hate denying myself while traveling. And why should I? Don’t you think?

POSTMASTER. Quite so. [Rises, draws himself up, with his sword in his hand.] I'll not venture to disturb you any more. Would you care to make any remarks about the post office administration?

POSTMASTER. Exactly. [Stands up straight, holding his sword.] I won't bother you anymore. Do you have any comments about the post office management?

KHLESTAKOV. No, nothing.

KHLESTAKOV. Nah, nothing.

The Postmaster bows and goes out.

The postmaster bows and exits.

KHLESTAKOV [lighting a cigar]. It seems to me the Postmaster is a fine fellow, too. He's certainly obliging. I like people like that.

KHLESTAKOV [lighting a cigar]. I think the Postmaster is a great guy, too. He’s definitely helpful. I like people like that.

SCENE V

Khlestakov and Luka Lukich, who is practically pushed in on the stage. A voice behind him is heard saying nearly aloud, "Don't be chickenhearted."

Khlestakov and Luka Lukich, who is basically shoved onto the stage. A voice behind him can be heard saying almost loudly, "Don't be a coward."

LUKA [drawing himself up, trembling, with his hand on his sword]. I have the honor to present myself—School Inspector, Titular Councilor Khlopov.

LUKA [standing up straight, shaking, with his hand on his sword]. I’m honored to introduce myself—School Inspector, Titular Councilor Khlopov.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad to see you. Take a seat, take a seat. Will you have a cigar? [Offers him a cigar.]

KHLESTAKOV. I'm happy to see you. Have a seat, have a seat. Would you like a cigar? [Offers him a cigar.]

LUKA [to himself, hesitating]. There now! That's something I hadn't anticipated. To take or not to take?

LUKA [to himself, hesitating]. Well, that's something I didn't see coming. Should I take it or not?

KHLESTAKOV. Take it, take it. It's a pretty good cigar. Of course not what you get in St. Petersburg. There I used to smoke twenty-five cent cigars. You feel like kissing yourself after having smoked one of them. Here, light it. [Hands him a candle.]

KHLESTAKOV. Go ahead, take it. It's a decent cigar. It's definitely not like the ones you get in St. Petersburg. There, I used to smoke cigars that cost twenty-five cents. You feel like you wanna kiss yourself after smoking one of those. Here, light it. [Hands him a candle.]

Luka Lukich tries to light the cigar shaking all over.

Luka Lukich tries to light the cigar while shaking all over.

KHLESTAKOV. Not that end, the other.

KHLESTAKOV. Not that end, the other one.

LUKA [drops the cigar from fright, spits and shakes his hands. Aside]. Confound it! My damned timidity has ruined me!

LUKA [drops the cigar in shock, spits, and shakes his hands. Aside]. Damn it! My stupid fear has messed everything up for me!

KHLESTAKOV. I see you are not a lover of cigars. I confess smoking is my weakness—smoking and the fair sex. Not for the life of me can I remain indifferent to the fair sex. How about you? Which do you like more, brunettes or blondes?

KHLESTAKOV. I see you’re not a fan of cigars. I admit smoking is my weakness—smoking and women. I can't help but be drawn to women. How about you? Do you prefer brunettes or blondes?

Luka Lukich remains silent, at a complete loss what to say.

Luka Lukich stays quiet, totally unsure of what to say.

KHLESTAKOV. Tell me frankly, brunettes or blondes?

KHLESTAKOV. Be honest with me, do you prefer brunettes or blondes?

LUKA. I don't dare to know.

LUKA. I'm too scared to find out.

KHLESTAKOV. No, no, don't evade. I'm bound to know your taste.

KHLESTAKOV. No, no, don’t dodge the question. I need to know what you like.

LUKA. I venture to report to you—[Aside.] I don't know what I'm saying.

LUKA. I feel compelled to tell you—[Aside.] I’m not sure what I'm even saying.

KHLESTAKOV. Ah, you don't want to say. I suppose some little brunette or other has cast a spell over you. Confess, she has, hasn't she?

KHLESTAKOV. Ah, you don't want to admit it. I guess some little brunette has enchanted you. Come on, she has, right?

Luka Lukich remains silent.

Luka Lukich is quiet.

KHLESTAKOV. Ah, you're blushing. You see. Why don't you speak?

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, you're blushing. See? Why aren't you saying anything?

LUKA. I'm scared, your Hon—High—Ex—[Aside.] Done for! My confounded tongue has undone me!

LUKA. I'm scared, Your Honor—High—Ex—[Aside.] I'm done for! My stupid tongue has ruined everything!

KHLESTAKOV. You're scared? There IS something awe-inspiring in my eyes, isn't there? At least I know not a single woman can resist them. Isn't that so?

KHLESTAKOV. You're scared? There is something impressive in my eyes, isn't there? At least I know no woman can resist them. Right?

LUKA. Exactly.

LUKA. Right.

KHLESTAKOV. A strange thing happened to me on the road. I ran entirely out of cash. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?

KHLESTAKOV. Something weird happened to me on the way. I completely ran out of money. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?

LUKA [clutching his pockets. Aside]. A fine business if I haven't got the money! I have! I have! [Takes out the bills and gives them to him, trembling.]

LUKA [clutching his pockets. Aside]. What a situation if I don't have the money! I do! I really do! [Takes out the bills and hands them over, trembling.]

KHLESTAKOV. Thank you very much.

KHLESTAKOV. Thank you so much.

LUKA [drawing himself up, with his hand on his sword]. I will not venture to disturb you with my presence any longer.

LUKA [standing tall, hand on his sword]. I won’t impose on you with my presence any longer.

KHLESTAKOV. Good-by.

KHLESTAKOV. Goodbye.

LUKA [dashes out almost at a run, saying aside.] Well, thank the Lord! Maybe he won't inspect the schools.

LUKA [dashes out almost at a run, saying aside.] Thank God! Maybe he won't check the schools.

SCENE VI

Khlestakov and Artemy Filippovich.

ARTEMY [enters and draws himself up, his hand on his sword]. I have the honor to present myself—Superintendent of Charities, Court Councilor Zemlianika.

ARTEMY [enters and straightens up, his hand on his sword]. I have the honor to introduce myself—Superintendent of Charities, Court Councilor Zemlianika.

KHLESTAKOV. Howdeedo? Please sit down.

KHLESTAKOV. How's it going? Please sit down.

ARTEMY. I had the honor of receiving you and personally conducting you through the philanthropic institutions committed to my care.

ARTEMY. I had the privilege of welcoming you and personally showing you around the charitable organizations under my responsibility.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, I remember. You treated me to a dandy lunch.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yeah, I remember. You took me out for a great lunch.

ARTEMY. I am glad to do all I can in behalf of my country.

ARTEMY. I'm happy to do everything I can for my country.

KHLESTAKOV. I admit, my weakness is a good cuisine.—Tell me, please, won't you—it seems to me you were a little shorter yesterday, weren't you?

KHLESTAKOV. I admit, I have a weakness for good food. —Can you tell me, please—didn't you seem a bit shorter yesterday?

ARTEMY. Quite possible. [After a pause.] I may say I spare myself no pains and perform the duties of my office with the utmost zeal. [Draws his chair closer and speaks in a lowered tone.] There's the postmaster, for example, he does absolutely nothing. Everything is in a fearful state of neglect. The mail is held up. Investigate for yourself, if you please, and you will see. The Judge, too, the man who was here just now, does nothing but hunt hares, and he keeps his dogs in the court rooms, and his conduct, if I must confess—and for the benefit of the fatherland, I must confess, though he is my relative and friend—his conduct is in the highest degree reprehensible. There is a squire here by the name of Dobchinsky, whom you were pleased to see. Well, the moment Dobchinsky leaves the house, the Judge is there with Dobchinsky's wife. I can swear to it. You just take a look at the children. Not one of them resembles Dobchinsky. All of them, even the little girl, are the very image of the Judge.

ARTEMY. It's very possible. [After a pause.] I can honestly say that I spare no effort and carry out my duties with complete dedication. [He draws his chair closer and speaks in a lowered tone.] Take the postmaster, for example; he does absolutely nothing. Everything is in a terrible state of neglect. The mail is backed up. Check it out for yourself, if you want, and you'll see. The Judge, too, the guy who was just here, does nothing but hunt hares, and he keeps his dogs in the courtrooms. I must admit— and for the sake of the country, I have to admit this, even though he’s my relative and friend— his behavior is really unacceptable. There’s a squire here named Dobchinsky, whom you met. Well, as soon as Dobchinsky leaves, the Judge is right there with Dobchinsky's wife. I can swear to it. Just take a look at the kids. Not one of them looks like Dobchinsky. They all, even the little girl, are just like the Judge.

KHLESTAKOV. You don't say so. I never imagined it.

KHLESTAKOV. No way. I never thought that would happen.

ARTEMY. Then take the School Inspector here. I don't know how the government could have entrusted him with such an office. He's worse than a Jacobin freethinker, and he instils such pernicious ideas into the minds of the young that I can hardly describe it. Hadn't I better put it all down on paper, if you so order?

ARTEMY. So, take the School Inspector here. I don't get how the government thought it was a good idea to put him in this role. He's worse than a radical freethinker, and he fills the minds of the youth with such harmful ideas that it's hard to even explain. Should I write it all down on paper, if you'd like?

KHLESTAKOV. Very well, why not? I should like it very much. I like to kill the weary hours reading something amusing, you know. What is your name? I keep forgetting.

KHLESTAKOV. Sure, why not? I’d really like that. I enjoy passing the time reading something entertaining, you know. What’s your name? I keep forgetting.

ARTEMY. Zemlianika.

ARTEMY. Strawberry.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, Zemlianika. Tell me, Mr. Zemlianika, have you any children?

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, Zemlianika. Tell me, Mr. Zemlianika, do you have any kids?

ARTEMY. Of course. Five. Two are already grown up.

ARTEMY. Of course. Five. Two of them are already adults.

KHLESTAKOV. You don't say! Grown up! And how are they—how are they—a—a?

KHLESTAKOV. No way! They’ve grown up! And how are they—how are they—uh—?

ARTEMY. You mean that you deign to ask what their names are?

ARTEMY. Are you really asking what their names are?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, what are their names?

ARTEMY. Nikolay, Ivan, Yelizaveta, Marya and Perepetuya.

ARTEMY. Nikolay, Ivan, Yelizaveta, Marya, and Perepetuya.

KHLESTAKOV. Good.

KHLESTAKOV. Awesome.

ARTEMY. I don't venture to disturb you any longer with my presence and rob you of your time dedicated to the performance of your sacred duties—-[Bows and makes to go.]

ARTEMY. I won’t bother you anymore with my presence and take up your time that should be dedicated to your important duties—[Bows and starts to leave.]

KHLESTAKOV [escorting him]. Not at all. What you told me is all very funny. Call again, please. I like that sort of thing very much. [Turns back and reopens the door, calling.] I say, there! What is your——I keep forgetting. What is your first name and your patronymic?

KHLESTAKOV [escorting him]. Not at all. What you just told me is really funny. Please come again. I enjoy that kind of stuff a lot. [Turns back and reopens the door, calling.] Hey, wait! What is your——I keep forgetting. What’s your first name and your patronymic?

ARTEMY. Artemy Filippovich.

KHLESTAKOV. Do me a favor, Artemy Filippovich. A curious accident happened to me on the road. I've run entirely out of cash. Have you four hundred rubles to lend me?

KHLESTAKOV. Can you do me a favor, Artemy Filippovich? Something strange happened to me on the way. I'm completely out of cash. Do you have four hundred rubles to lend me?

ARTEMY. I have.

I have.

KHLESTAKOV. That comes in pat. Thank you very much.

KHLESTAKOV. That fits perfectly. Thank you so much.

SCENE VII

Khlestakov, Bobchinsky, and Dobchinsky.

BOBCHINSKY. I have the honor to present myself—a resident of this town, Piotr, son of Ivan Bobchinsky.

BOBCHINSKY. I’m honored to introduce myself—I’m a resident of this town, Piotr, son of Ivan Bobchinsky.

DOBCHINSKY. I am Piotr, son of Ivan Dobchinsky, a squire.

DOBCHINSKY. I’m Piotr, son of Ivan Dobchinsky, a landowner.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, I've met you before. I believe you fell? How's your nose?

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yeah, I've met you before. I think you took a spill? How's your nose doing?

BOBCHINSKY. It's all right. Please don't trouble. It's dried up, dried up completely.

BOBCHINSKY. It's fine. Please don't worry. It's all dried up, completely dried up.

KHLESTAKOV. That's nice. I'm glad it's dried up. [Suddenly and abruptly.] Have you any money?

KHLESTAKOV. That's great. I'm happy it's dried up. [Suddenly and abruptly.] Do you have any cash?

DOBCHINSKY. Money? How's that—money?

DOBCHINSKY. Money? What's that—money?

KHLESTAKOV. A thousand rubles to lend me.

KHLESTAKOV. Could you lend me a thousand rubles?

BOBCHINSKY. Not so much as that, honest to God I haven't. Have you, Piotr Ivanovich?

BOBCHINSKY. Not even close, I swear I haven't. How about you, Piotr Ivanovich?

DOBCHINSKY. I haven't got it with me, because my money—I beg to inform you—is deposited in the State Savings Bank.

DOBCHINSKY. I don't have it with me because my money—just so you know—is deposited in the State Savings Bank.

KHLESTAKOV. Well, if you haven't a thousand, then a hundred.

KHLESTAKOV. Well, if you don’t have a thousand, then at least a hundred.

BOBCHINSKY [fumbling in his pockets]. Have you a hundred rubles, Piotr Ivanovich? All I have is forty.

BOBCHINSKY [fumbling in his pockets]. Do you have a hundred rubles, Piotr Ivanovich? I only have forty.

DOBCHINSKY [examining his pocket-book]. I have only twenty-five.

DOBCHINSKY [looking in his wallet]. I have only twenty-five.

BOBCHINSKY. Look harder, Piotr Ivanovich. I know you have a hole in your pocket, and the money must have dropped down into it somehow.

BOBCHINSKY. Look closer, Piotr Ivanovich. I know you have a hole in your pocket, and the money must have fallen in there somehow.

DOBCHINSKY. No, honestly, there isn't any in the hole either.

DOBCHINSKY. No, seriously, there isn't anything in the hole either.

KHLESTAKOV. Well, never mind. I merely mentioned the matter. Sixty-five will do. [Takes the money.]

KHLESTAKOV. Well, it doesn't matter. Sixty-five is fine. [Takes the money.]

DOBCHINSKY. May I venture to ask a favor of you concerning a very delicate matter?

DOBCHINSKY. Can I ask a favor of you regarding something quite sensitive?

KHLESTAKOV. What is it?

KHLESTAKOV. What's happening?

DOBCHINSKY. It's a matter of an extremely delicate nature. My oldest son—I beg to inform you—was born before I was married.

DOBCHINSKY. It's something very sensitive. My oldest son—I should let you know—was born before I got married.

KHLESTAKOV. Indeed?

Really?

DOBCHINSKY. That is, only in a sort of way. He is really my son, just as if he had been born in wedlock. I made up everything afterwards, set everything right, as it should be, with the bonds of matrimony, you know. Now, I venture to inform you, I should like to have him altogether—that is, I should like him to be altogether my legitimate son and be called Dobchinsky the same as I.

DOBCHINSKY. Well, that's sort of true. He really is my son, just like if he had been born in marriage. I fixed everything later, set it all right, as it should be, with the marriage vows, you know. Now, I want to let you know, I would like him to be completely my legitimate son and to share my last name, Dobchinsky.

KHLESTAKOV. That's all right. Let him be called Dobchinsky. That's possible.

KHLESTAKOV. That's fine. Let him be called Dobchinsky. That works.

DOBCHINSKY. I shouldn't have troubled you; but it's a pity, he is such a talented youngster. He gives the greatest promise. He can recite different poems by heart; and whenever he gets hold of a penknife, he makes little carriages as skilfully as a conjurer. Here's Piotr Ivanovich. He knows. Am I not right?

DOBCHINSKY. I shouldn't have bothered you; but it's a shame, he’s such a talented kid. He shows so much potential. He can memorize different poems; and whenever he gets a penknife, he makes little carriages as skillfully as a magician. Here’s Piotr Ivanovich. He knows. Am I right?

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, the lad is very talented.

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, the guy is very talented.

KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. I'll try to do it for you. I'll speak to—I hope—it'll be done, it'll all be done. Yes, yes. [Turning to Bobchinsky.] Have you anything you'd like to say to me?

KHLESTAKOV. Okay, okay. I'll try to do it for you. I'll talk to—I hope—it'll get done, it will all get done. Yes, yes. [Turning to Bobchinsky.] Do you have anything you want to say to me?

BOBCHINSKY. Why, of course. I have a most humble request to make.

BOBCHINSKY. Sure thing. I have a very simple favor to ask.

KHLESTAKOV. What is it?

KHLESTAKOV. What's going on?

BOBCHINSKY. I beg your Highness or your Excellency most worshipfully, when you get back to St. Petersburg, please tell all the high personages there, the senators and the admirals, that Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky lives in this town. Say this: "Piotr Ivanovich lives there."

BOBCHINSKY. I kindly ask your Highness or your Excellency, when you return to St. Petersburg, to let all the important people there, the senators and the admirals, know that Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky is living in this town. Just say this: "Piotr Ivanovich lives there."

KHLESTAKOV. Very well.

KHLESTAKOV. Alright.

BOBCHINSKY. And if you should happen to speak to the Czar, then tell him, too: "Your Majesty," tell him, "Your Majesty, Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky lives in this town."

BOBCHINSKY. And if you get a chance to talk to the Czar, then tell him too: "Your Majesty," just say, "Your Majesty, Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky lives in this town."

KHLESTAKOV. Very well.

KHLESTAKOV. Sounds good.

BOBCHINSKY. Pardon me for having troubled you with my presence.

BOBCHINSKY. Sorry to bother you with my presence.

KHLESTAKOV. Not at all, not at all. It was my pleasure. [Sees them to the door.]

KHLESTAKOV. Not at all, not at all. It was my pleasure. [Shows them to the door.]

SCENE VIII

KHLESTAKOV [alone]. My, there are a lot of officials here. They seem to be taking me for a government functionary. To be sure, I threw dust in their eyes yesterday. What a bunch of fools! I'll write all about it to Triapichkin in St. Petersburg. He'll write them up in the papers. Let him give them a nice walloping.—Ho, Osip, give me paper and ink.

KHLESTAKOV [alone]. Wow, there are a lot of officials here. They seem to think I'm some sort of government official. I definitely pulled a fast one on them yesterday. What a bunch of idiots! I'll tell Triapichkin all about it in St. Petersburg. He'll write them up in the papers. Let him give them a good scolding.—Hey, Osip, bring me paper and ink.

OSIP [looking in at the door]. D'rectly.

OSIP [looking in at the door]. Right away.

KHLESTAKOV. Anybody gets caught in Triapichkin's tongue had better look out. For the sake of a witticism he wouldn't spare his own father. They are good people though, these officials. It's a nice trait of theirs to lend me money. I'll just see how much it all mounts up to. Here's three hundred from the Judge and three hundred from the Postmaster—six hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred—What a greasy bill!—Eight hundred, nine hundred.—Oho! Rolls up to more than a thousand! Now, if I get you, captain, now! We'll see who'll do whom!

KHLESTAKOV. Anyone who gets caught in Triapichkin's words had better be careful. He wouldn’t hesitate to make fun of his own dad for a joke. But these officials are decent folks. It's kind of them to lend me money. Let me see how much it all adds up to. That's three hundred from the Judge and three hundred from the Postmaster— six hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred—What a hefty amount!—Eight hundred, nine hundred.—Wow! It’s over a thousand! Now, if I get you, captain, just watch out! We'll see who gets the upper hand!

SCENE IX

Khlestakov and Osip entering with paper and ink.

Khlestakov and Osip walk in with paper and ink.

KHLESTAKOV. Now, you simpleton, you see how they receive and treat me. [Begins to write.]

KHLESTAKOV. Now, you fool, you see how they welcome and treat me. [Begins to write.]

OSIP. Yes, thank God! But do you know what, Ivan Aleksandrovich?

KHLESTAKOV. What?

KHLESTAKOV. What is it?

OSIP. Leave this place. Upon my word, it's time.

OSIP. Leave this place. I swear, it's time.

KHLESTAKOV [writing]. What nonsense! Why?

KHLESTAKOV [writing]. What nonsense is this? Why?

OSIP. Just so. God be with them. You've had a good time here for two days. It's enough. What's the use of having anything more to do with them? Spit on them. You don't know what may happen. Somebody else may turn up. Upon my word, Ivan Aleksandrovich. And the horses here are fine. We'll gallop away like a breeze.

OSIP. Exactly. God be with them. You've had a good time here for two days. That's enough. What's the point of dealing with them any longer? Forget about them. You never know what could happen. Someone else might show up. Honestly, Ivan Aleksandrovich. And the horses here are great. We'll race off like the wind.

KHLESTAKOV [writing]. No, I'd like to stay a little longer. Let's go tomorrow.

KHLESTAKOV [writing]. No, I want to stay a bit longer. Let’s go tomorrow.

OSIP. Why tomorrow? Let's go now, Ivan Aleksandrovich, now, 'pon my word. To be sure, it's a great honor and all that. But really we'd better go as quick as we can. You see, they've taken you for somebody else, honest. And your dad will be angry because you dilly-dallied so long. We'd gallop off so smartly. They'd give us first-class horses here.

OSIP. Why wait until tomorrow? Let’s go right now, Ivan Aleksandrovich, right this minute, I swear. Sure, it’s a big honor and all that. But honestly, we should leave as soon as possible. You see, they’ve mistaken you for someone else, I’m serious. And your dad is going to be mad because you’ve wasted so much time. We’d leave in a flash. They would give us top-notch horses here.

KHLESTAKOV [writing]. All right. But first take this letter to the postoffice, and, if you like, order post horses at the same time. Tell the postilions that they should drive like couriers and sing songs, and I'll give them a ruble each. [Continues to write.] I wager Triapichkin will die laughing.

KHLESTAKOV [writing]. Okay. But first, take this letter to the post office, and if you want, arrange for post horses at the same time. Tell the drivers to go like they're in a hurry and to sing songs, and I’ll give them a ruble each. [Continues to write.] I bet Triapichkin will be in stitches.

OSIP. I'll send the letter off by the man here. I'd rather be packing in the meanwhile so as to lose no time.

OSIP. I'll send the letter off with the guy here. I'd rather be packing in the meantime so I don’t waste any time.

KHLESTAKOV. All right. Bring me a candle.

KHLESTAKOV. Okay. Bring me a candle.

OSIP [outside the door, where he is heard speaking]. Say, partner, go to the post office and mail a letter, and tell the postmaster to frank it. And have a coach sent round at once, the very best courier coach; and tell them the master doesn't pay fare. He travels at the expense of the government. And make them hurry, or else the master will be angry. Wait, the letter isn't ready yet.

OSIP [outside the door, where he is heard speaking]. Hey, partner, go to the post office and mail a letter, and ask the postmaster to stamp it. Also, have them send over the best courier coach right away; tell them the boss doesn't pay for the fare. He travels at the government's expense. And make sure they hurry, or the boss will be angry. Hold on, the letter isn't ready yet.

KHLESTAKOV. I wonder where he lives now, on Pochtamtskaya or Grokhovaya Street. He likes to move often, too, to get out of paying rent. I'll make a guess and send it to Pochtamtskaya Street. [Folds the letter and addresses it.]

KHLESTAKOV. I wonder where he lives now, on Pochtamtskaya or Grokhovaya Street. He likes to move around a lot to avoid paying rent. I'll take a guess and send it to Pochtamtskaya Street. [Folds the letter and addresses it.]

Osip brings the candle. Khlestakov seals the letter with sealing wax. At that moment Derzhimorda's voice is heard saying: "Where are you going, whiskers? You've been told that nobody is allowed to come in."

Osip brings the candle. Khlestakov seals the letter with wax. At that moment, Derzhimorda's voice is heard saying, "Where do you think you're going, whiskers? You've been told that no one is allowed to come in."

KHLESTAKOV [giving the letter to Osip]. There, have it mailed.

KHLESTAKOV [giving the letter to Osip]. Here, take it to be mailed.

MERCHANT'S VOICE. Let us in, brother. You have no right to keep us out. We have come on business.

MERCHANT'S VOICE. Let us in, brother. You can't keep us out. We’re here on business.

DERZHIMORDA'S VOICE. Get out of here, get out of here! He doesn't receive anybody. He's asleep.

DERZHIMORDA'S VOICE. Get out of here, get out of here! He’s not seeing anyone. He’s asleep.

The disturbance outside grows louder.

The noise outside gets louder.

KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter there, Osip? See what the noise is about.

KHLESTAKOV. What's going on, Osip? Check out what all the noise is about.

OSIP [looking through the window]. There are some merchants there who want to come in, and the sergeant won't let them. They are waving papers. I suppose they want to see you.

OSIP [looking through the window]. There are some merchants out there who want to come in, but the sergeant won't let them. They're waving papers. I guess they want to see you.

KHLESTAKOV [going to the window]. What is it, friends?

KHLESTAKOV [going to the window]. What's going on, friends?

MERCHANT'S VOICE. We appeal for your protection. Give orders, your Lordship, that our petitions be received.

MERCHANT'S VOICE. We ask for your protection. Please, Your Lordship, ensure that our petitions are heard.

KHLESTAKOV. Let them in, let them in. Osip, tell them to come in.

Osip goes out.

Osip is going out.

KHLESTAKOV [takes the petitions through the window, unfolds one of them and reads]. "To his most honorable, illustrious financial Excellency, from the merchant Abdulin...." The devil knows what this is! There's no such title.

KHLESTAKOV [takes the petitions through the window, unfolds one of them and reads]. "To his most honorable, illustrious financial Excellency, from the merchant Abdulin...." Who even knows what this is! There's no such title.

SCENE X

Khlestakov and Merchants, with a basket of wine and sugar loaves.

Khlestakov and the Merchants, carrying a basket of wine and sugar loaves.

KHLESTAKOV. What is it, friends?

KHLESTAKOV. What's up, friends?

MERCHANTS. We beseech your favor.

Merchants, we ask for your support.

KHLESTAKOV. What do you want?

KHLESTAKOV. What do you need?

MERCHANTS. Don't ruin us, your Worship. We suffer insult and wrong wholly without cause.

MERCHANTS. Please don't destroy us, your Honor. We are enduring insults and injustices entirely without reason.

KHLESTAKOV. From whom?

KHLESTAKOV. From who?

A MERCHANT. Why, from our governor here. Such a governor there never was yet in the world, your Worship. No words can describe the injuries he inflicts upon us. He has taken the bread out of our mouths by quartering soldiers on us, so that you might as well put your neck in a noose. He doesn't treat you as you deserve. He catches hold of your beard and says, "Oh, you Tartar!" Upon my word, if we had shown him any disrespect, but we obey all the laws and regulations. We don't mind giving him what his wife and daughter need for their clothes, but no, that's not enough. So help me God! He comes to our shop and takes whatever his eyes fall on. He sees a piece of cloth and says, "Oh, my friends, that's a fine piece of goods. Take it to my house." So we take it to his house. It will be almost forty yards.

A MERCHANT. Well, from our governor here. There’s never been a governor like him in the world, your Worship. No words can describe the harm he causes us. He’s taken the food right out of our mouths by placing soldiers in our homes, so it might as well be like putting a noose around your neck. He doesn't treat you the way you should be treated. He grabs your beard and says, "Oh, you Tartar!" Honestly, if we had disrespected him in any way, but we follow all the laws and rules. We don’t mind giving him what his wife and daughter need for their clothes, but that’s still not enough. I swear! He comes to our shop and takes whatever he sees. He spots a piece of cloth and says, "Oh, my friends, that’s a great piece of fabric. Take it to my house." So we take it to his house. It’ll be almost forty yards.

KHLESTAKOV. Is it possible? My, what a swindler!

KHLESTAKOV. Is that even possible? Wow, what a con artist!

MERCHANTS. So help us God! No one remembers a governor like him. When you see him coming you hide everything in the shop. It isn't only that he wants a few delicacies and fineries. He takes every bit of trash, too—prunes that have been in the barrel seven years and that even the boy in my shop would not eat, and he grabs a fist full. His name day is St. Anthony's, and you'd think there's nothing else left in the world to bring him and that he doesn't want any more. But no, you must give him more. He says St. Onufry's is also his name day. What's to be done? You have to take things to him on St. Onufry's day, too.

MERCHANTS. Seriously! No one remembers a governor like this one. When you see him coming, you stash everything in the shop. It’s not just that he wants some special treats and nice things. He takes all the junk, too—prunes that have been sitting in the barrel for seven years and that even the kid in my shop wouldn’t touch, and he grabs a handful. His name day is St. Anthony’s, and you'd think there’s nothing else left in the world to bring him and that he doesn’t want any more. But no, you have to give him more. He claims St. Onufry’s is also his name day. What can you do? You have to take stuff to him on St. Onufry’s day, too.

KHLESTAKOV. Why, he's a plain robber.

KHLESTAKOV. Well, he's just a common thief.

MERCHANTS. Yes, indeed! And try to contradict him, and he'll fill your house with a whole regiment of soldiers. And if you say anything, he orders the doors closed. "I won't inflict corporal punishment on you," he says, "or put you in the rack. That's forbidden by law," he says. "But I'll make you swallow salt herring, my good man."

MERCHANTS. Absolutely! And if you try to argue with him, he'll send a whole squad of soldiers to your house. And if you say anything, he has the doors locked. "I won't punish you physically," he says, "or torture you. That's illegal," he says. "But I'll make you eat salt herring, my good man."

KHLESTAKOV. What a swindler! For such things a man can be sent to Siberia.

KHLESTAKOV. What a con artist! A person can get sent to Siberia for things like this.

MERCHANTS. It doesn't matter where you are pleased to send him. Only the farthest away from here the better. Father, don't scorn to accept our bread and salt. We pay our respects to you with sugar and a basket of wine.

MERCHANTS. It doesn't matter where you want to send him. The farther away from here, the better. Father, please don't hesitate to accept our bread and salt. We honor you with sugar and a basket of wine.

KHLESTAKOV. No, no. Don't think of it. I don't take bribes. Oh, if, for example, you would offer me a loan of three hundred rubles, that's quite different. I am willing to take a loan.

KHLESTAKOV. No, no. Don't even consider it. I don't accept bribes. But, if you were to offer me a loan of three hundred rubles, that's a whole different story. I would be happy to take a loan.

MERCHANTS. If you please, father. [They take out money.] But what is three hundred? Better take five hundred. Only help us.

MERCHANTS. If it’s alright with you, dad. [They take out money.] But what’s three hundred? You might as well take five hundred. Just help us out.

KHLESTAKOV. Very well. About a loan I won't say a word. I'll take it.

KHLESTAKOV. All right. I won't say a word about a loan. I’ll take it.

MERCHANTS [proffering him the money on a silver tray]. Do please take the tray, too.

MERCHANTS [offering him the money on a silver tray]. Please take the tray, too.

KHLESTAKOV. Very well. I can take the tray, too.

KHLESTAKOV. Alright. I can carry the tray, too.

MERCHANTS [bowing]. Then take the sugar at the same time.

MERCHANTS [bowing]. Then take the sugar as well.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, no. I take no bribes.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, no. I don’t accept bribes.

OSIP. Why don't you take the sugar, your Highness? Take it. Everything will come in handy on the road. Give here the sugar and that case. Give them here. It'll all be of use. What have you got there—a string? Give it here. A string will be handy on the road, too, if the coach or something else should break—for tying it up.

OSIP. Why don't you take the sugar, Your Highness? Take it. Everything will come in handy on the journey. Hand over the sugar and that case. Give them to me. They'll all be useful. What do you have there—a piece of string? Hand it over. A piece of string will also be useful on the road if the coach or something else breaks—I'll need it to tie things up.

MERCHANTS. Do us this great favor, your illustrious Highness. Why, if you don't help us in our appeal to you, then we simply don't know how we are to exist. We might as well put our necks in a noose.

MERCHANTS. Please do us this huge favor, your esteemed Highness. If you don’t assist us in our request, we truly don’t know how we’re going to survive. We might as well be putting our necks in a noose.

KHLESTAKOV. Positively, positively. I shall exert my efforts in your behalf.

KHLESTAKOV. Definitely, definitely. I will do my best to help you.

[The Merchants leave. A woman's voice is heard saying:]

"Don't you dare not to let me in. I'll make a complaint against you to him himself. Don't push me that way. It hurts."

"Don't you dare keep me out. I'll file a complaint with him directly. Don't force me like this. It hurts."

KHLESTAKOV. Who is there? [Goes to the window.] What is it, mother?

KHLESTAKOV. Who's there? [Goes to the window.] What’s going on, mom?

[Two women's voices are heard:] "We beseech your grace, father. Give orders, your Lordship, for us to be heard."

[Two women's voices are heard:] "We ask for your kindness, Father. Please give the order, My Lord, for us to speak."

KHLESTAKOV. Let her in.

KHLESTAKOV. Let her come in.

SCENE XI

Khlestakov, the Locksmith's Wife, and the non-commissioned Officer's Widow.

Khlestakov, the Locksmith's Wife, and the Officer's Widow.

LOCK.'S WIFE [kneeling]. I beseech your grace.

LOCK.'S WIFE [kneeling]. I beg you, my lord.

WIDOW. I beseech your grace.

WIDOW. I'm begging you, your grace.

KHLESTAKOV. Who are you?

WIDOW. Ivanova, widow of a non-commissioned officer.

WIDOW. Ivanova, the widow of a sergeant.

LOCK.'S WIFE. Fevronya Petrova Poshliopkina, the wife of a locksmith, a burgess of this town. My father—

LOCK.'S WIFE. Fevronya Petrova Poshliopkina, the wife of a locksmith, a resident of this town. My father—

KHLESTAKOV. Stop! One at a time. What do you want?

KHLESTAKOV. Hold on! One at a time. What do you need?

LOCK.'S WIFE. I beg for your grace. I beseech your aid against the governor. May God send all evil upon him. May neither he nor his children nor his uncles nor his aunts ever prosper in any of their undertakings.

LOCK.'S WIFE. I ask for your mercy. I plead for your help against the governor. May God bring misfortune upon him. May neither he nor his children nor his uncles nor his aunts ever succeed in any of their endeavors.

KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter?

KHLESTAKOV. What's wrong?

LOCK.'S WIFE. He ordered my husband to shave his forehead as a soldier, and our turn hadn't come, and it is against the law, my husband being a married man.

LOCK.'S WIFE. He told my husband to shave his forehead like a soldier, but it wasn't our turn yet, and it's against the law since my husband is married.

KHLESTAKOV. How could he do it, then?

KHLESTAKOV. How could he have done that, then?

LOCK.'S WIFE. He did it, he did it, the blackguard! May God smite him both in this world and the next. If he has an aunt, may all harm descend upon her. And if his father is living, may the rascal perish, may he choke to death. Such a cheat! The son of the tailor should have been levied. And he is a drunkard, too. But his parents gave the governor a rich present, so he fastened on the son of the tradeswoman, Panteleyeva. And Panteleyeva also sent his wife three pieces of linen. So then he comes to me. "What do you want your husband for?" he says. "He isn't any good to you any more." It's for me to know whether he is any good or not. That's my business. The old cheat! "He's a thief," he says. "Although he hasn't stolen anything, that doesn't matter. He is going to steal. And he'll be recruited next year anyway." How can I do without a husband? I am not a strong woman. The skunk! May none of his kith and kin ever see the light of God. And if he has a mother-in-law, may she, too,—

LOCK.'S WIFE. He did it, he did it, that scoundrel! May God punish him both in this life and the next. If he has an aunt, may all misfortune fall on her. And if his father is alive, may that rascal die, may he choke on his own breath. What a cheat! The son of the tailor should have been punished. And he’s a drunkard too. But his parents gave the governor a nice gift, so he went after the son of the tradeswoman, Panteleyeva. And Panteleyeva also sent his wife three pieces of linen. Then he comes to me. "What do you need your husband for?" he asks. "He isn't any good to you anymore." It's up to me to decide if he's any good or not. That's my business. The old fraud! "He's a thief," he says. "Even if he hasn't stolen anything, that doesn't matter. He’s going to steal. And he'll be drafted next year anyway." How can I live without a husband? I’m not a strong woman. That jerk! May none of his relatives ever see the light of day. And if he has a mother-in-law, may she too,—

KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Well, and you?

KHLESTAKOV. Okay, okay. So, how about you?

[Addressing the Widow and leading the Locksmith's Wife to the door.]

[Addressing the Widow and guiding the Locksmith's Wife to the door.]

LOCK.'S WIFE [leaving]. Don't forget, father. Be kind and gracious to me.

LOCK.'S WIFE [leaving]. Don't forget, Dad. Please be kind and gracious to me.

WIDOW. I have come to complain against the Governor, father.

WIDOW. I’ve come to file a complaint against the Governor, Dad.

KHLESTAKOV. What is it? What for? Be brief.

KHLESTAKOV. What is it? What's it for? Keep it short.

WIDOW. He flogged me, father.

WIDOW. He beat me, father.

KHLESTAKOV. How so?

KHLESTAKOV. How's that?

WIDOW. By mistake, my father. Our women got into a squabble in the market, and when the police came, it was all over, and they took me and reported me—I couldn't sit down for two days.

WIDOW. It was an accident, Dad. Our women got into a fight at the market, and when the police showed up, everything was a mess. They took me away and reported me—I couldn't sit down for two days.

KHLESTAKOV. But what's to be done now?

KHLESTAKOV. But what should we do now?

WIDOW. There's nothing to be done, of course. But if you please, order him to pay a fine for the mistake. I can't undo my luck. But the money would be very useful to me now.

WIDOW. There's nothing that can be done, of course. But if you could, please order him to pay a fine for the mistake. I can't change my luck. But the money would really help me out right now.

KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Go now, go. I'll see to it. [Hands with petitions are thrust through the window.] Who else is out there? [Goes to the window.] No, no. I don't want to, I don't want to. [Leaves the window.] I'm sick of it, the devil take it! Don't let them in, Osip.

KHLESTAKOV. Okay, okay. Go now, go. I'll handle it. [Hands with petitions are thrust through the window.] Who else is out there? [Goes to the window.] No, no. I don't want to, I really don’t want to. [Leaves the window.] I’m tired of this, damn it! Don’t let them in, Osip.

OSIP [calling through the window]. Go away, go away! He has no time. Come tomorrow.

OSIP [calling through the window]. Leave, leave! He doesn’t have time. Come back tomorrow.

The door opens and a figure appears in a shag cloak, with unshaven beard, swollen lip, and a bandage over his cheek. Behind him appear a whole line of others.

The door swings open, and a person steps in wearing a shaggy cloak, with an unshaven beard, a swollen lip, and a bandage on their cheek. Behind them is a whole line of others.

OSIP. Go away, go away! What are you crowding in here for?

OSIP. Leave, leave! Why are you crowding in here?

He puts his hands against the stomach of the first one, and goes out through the door, pushing him and banging the door behind.

He puts his hands on the stomach of the first one and heads out the door, shoving him and slamming the door behind him.

SCENE XII

Khlestakov and Marya Antonovna.

MARYA. Oh!

MARYA. Wow!

KHLESTAKOV. What frightened you so, mademoiselle?

KHLESTAKOV. What scared you so, miss?

MARYA. I wasn't frightened.

MARYA. I wasn't scared.

KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Please, miss. It's a great pleasure to me that you took me for a man who—May I venture to ask you where you were going?

KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Please, miss. I'm really glad you mistook me for someone who—May I ask where you’re headed?

MARYA. I really wasn't going anywhere.

MARYA. I honestly wasn't going anywhere.

KHLESTAKOV. But why weren't you going anywhere?

MARYA. I was wondering whether mamma was here.

MARYA. I was wondering if mom was here.

KHLESTAKOV. No. I'd like to know why you weren't going anywhere.

KHLESTAKOV. No. I want to know why you weren’t going anywhere.

MARYA. I should have been in your way. You were occupied with important matters.

MARYA. I shouldn't have bothered you. You were busy with important things.

KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Your eyes are better than important matters. You cannot possibly disturb me. No, indeed, by no means. On the contrary, you afford me great pleasure.

KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Your eyes are more important than serious matters. You can't possibly bother me. No way, not at all. On the contrary, you bring me a lot of joy.

MARYA. You speak like a man from the capital.

MARYA. You talk like someone from the city.

KHLESTAKOV. For such a beautiful lady as you. May I give myself the pleasure of offering you a chair? But no, you should have, not a chair, but a throne.

KHLESTAKOV. For a stunning lady like you, may I take the pleasure of offering you a seat? But no, you deserve not just a chair, but a throne.

MARYA. I really don't know—I really must go [She sits down.]

MARYA. I honestly don’t know—I really have to go. [She sits down.]

KHLESTAKOV. What a beautiful scarf that is.

KHLESTAKOV. That's such a beautiful scarf.

MARYA. You are making fun of me. You're only ridiculing the provincials.

MARYA. You're just making fun of me. You're only mocking the locals.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, mademoiselle, how I long to be your scarf, so that I might embrace your lily neck.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, miss, how I wish I could be your scarf, so I could wrap around your delicate neck.

MARYA. I haven't the least idea what you are talking about—scarf!—Peculiar weather today, isn't it?

MARYA. I have no idea what you’re talking about—scarf!—Strange weather today, isn’t it?

KHLESTAKOV. Your lips, mademoiselle, are better than any weather.

KHLESTAKOV. Your lips, miss, are more pleasant than any weather.

MARYA. You are just saying that—I should like to ask you—I'd rather you would write some verses in my album for a souvenir. You must know very many.

MARYA. You're just saying that—I want to ask you—I’d prefer if you’d write some verses in my album as a keepsake. You must know a lot of them.

KHLESTAKOV. Anything you desire, mademoiselle. Ask! What verses will you have?

KHLESTAKOV. Anything you want, miss. Just ask! What lines do you need?

MARYA. Any at all. Pretty, new verses.

MARYA. Any at all. Nice, new lines.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, what are verses! I know a lot of them.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, what are verses! I know so many of them.

MARYA. Well, tell me. What verses will you write for me?

MARYA. So, tell me. What lines will you write for me?

KHLESTAKOV. What's the use? I know them anyway.

KHLESTAKOV. What's the point? I already know them.

MARYA. I love them so.

MARYA. I love them a lot.

KHLESTAKOV. I have lots of them—of every sort. If you like, for example, I'll give you this: "Oh, thou, mortal man, who in thy anguish murmurest against God—" and others. I can't remember them now. Besides, it's all bosh. I'd rather offer you my love instead, which ever since your first glance—[Moves his chair nearer.]

KHLESTAKOV. I have plenty of them—of all kinds. If you want, for instance, I could share this: "Oh, you, mortal being, who in your pain complain against God—" and more like that. I can't think of them right now. Besides, it's all nonsense. I'd rather offer you my love instead, ever since your first look—[Moves his chair nearer.]

MARYA. Love? I don't understand love. I never knew what love is. [Moves her chair away.]

MARYA. Love? I don't get love. I never really knew what it is. [Moves her chair away.]

KHLESTAKOV. Why do you move your chair away? It is better for us to sit near each other.

KHLESTAKOV. Why are you pushing your chair away? It's better for us to sit close together.

MARYA [moving away]. Why near? It's all the same if it's far away.

MARYA [moving away]. Why does it matter? It’s the same whether it’s close or far.

KHLESTAKOV [moving nearer]. Why far? It's all the same if it's near.

KHLESTAKOV [moving closer]. Why does it matter? It’s all the same whether it’s close or far.

MARYA [moving away]. But what for?

MARYA [walking away]. But why?

KHLESTAKOV [moving nearer]. It only seems near to you. Imagine it's far. How happy I would be, mademoiselle, if I could clasp you in my embrace.

KHLESTAKOV [moving nearer]. It only feels close to you. Just imagine it's far away. How thrilled I would be, miss, if I could hold you in my arms.

MARYA [looking through the window]. What is that? It looked as if something had flown by. Was it a magpie or some other bird?

MARYA [looking through the window]. What is that? It looked like something just flew by. Was it a magpie or another kind of bird?

KHLESTAKOV [kisses her shoulder and looks through the window]. It's a magpie.

MARYA [rises indignantly]. No, that's too much—Such rudeness, such impertinence.

MARYA [stands up angrily]. No, that's over the line—Such rudeness, such disrespect.

KHLESTAKOV [holding her back]. Forgive me, mademoiselle. I did it only out of love—only out of love, nothing else.

KHLESTAKOV [holding her back]. Forgive me, miss. I did it only because I love you—only because I love you, nothing more.

MARYA. You take me for a silly provincial wench. [Struggles to go away.]

MARYA. You think I'm just a naive country girl. [Struggles to get away.]

KHLESTAKOV [still holding her back]. It's out of love, really—out of love. It was just a little fun. Marya Antonovna, don't be angry. I'm ready to beg your forgiveness on my knees. [Falls on his knees.] Forgive me, do forgive me! You see, I am on my knees.

KHLESTAKOV [still holding her back]. It's out of love, honestly—out of love. It was just some harmless fun. Marya Antonovna, please don't be mad. I'm ready to apologize to you on my knees. [Falls on his knees.] Forgive me, please forgive me! Look, I'm on my knees.

SCENE XIII

The same and Anna Andreyevna.

The same as Anna Andreyevna.

ANNA [seeing Khlestakov on his knees]. Oh, what a situation!

ANNA [seeing Khlestakov on his knees]. Oh, what a mess!

KHLESTAKOV [rising]. Oh, the devil!

KHLESTAKOV [standing up]. Oh, the devil!

ANNA [to Marya]. What does this mean? What does this behavior mean?

MARYA. I, mother—

MARYA. I, mom—

ANNA. Go away from here. Do you hear? And don't you dare to show your face to me. [Marya goes out in tears.] Excuse me. I must say I'm greatly astonished.

ANNA. Get out of here. Do you hear me? And don't you ever show your face to me again. [Marya leaves in tears.] I'm sorry. I have to say I'm really surprised.

KHLESTAKOV [aside]. She's very appetizing, too. She's not bad-looking, either. [Flings himself on his knees.] Madam, you see I am burning with love.

KHLESTAKOV [aside]. She's really attractive, too. She's not bad-looking, either. [Flings himself on his knees.] Madam, you see I'm on fire with love.

ANNA. What! You on your knees? Please get up, please get up. This floor isn't very clean.

ANNA. What! Are you on your knees? Please get up, please get up. This floor isn't very clean.

KHLESTAKOV. No, I must be on my knees before you. I must. Pronounce the verdict. Is it life or death?

KHLESTAKOV. No, I have to kneel before you. I have to. Please, give your verdict. Is it life or death?

ANNA. But please—I don't quite understand the significance of your words. If I am not mistaken, you are making a proposal for my daughter.

ANNA. But please—I don't really understand what you mean. If I'm not mistaken, you’re proposing to my daughter.

KHLESTAKOV. No, I am in love with you. My life hangs by a thread. If you don't crown my steadfast love, then I am not fit to exist in this world. With a burning flame in my bosom, I pray for your hand.

KHLESTAKOV. No, I truly love you. My life is hanging by a thread. If you don't acknowledge my unwavering love, then I don’t deserve to be in this world. With a passionate fire in my heart, I ask for your hand.

ANNA. But please remember I am in a certain way—married.

ANNA. But please remember, I’m technically married.

KHLESTAKOV. That's nothing. Love knows no distinction. It was Karamzin who said: "The laws condemn." We will fly in the shadow of a brook. Your hand! I pray for your hand!

KHLESTAKOV. That's nothing. Love doesn't discriminate. Karamzin once said, "The laws condemn." We'll escape in the shade of a stream. Your hand! I'm begging for your hand!

SCENE XIV

The same and Marya Antonovna.

MARYA [running in suddenly]. Mamma, papa says you should—[seeing Khlestakov on his knees, exclaims:] Oh, what a situation!

MARYA [running in suddenly]. Mom, Dad says you should—[seeing Khlestakov on his knees, exclaims:] Oh, what a situation!

ANNA. Well, what do you want? Why did you come in here? What for? What sort of flightiness is this? Breaks in like a cat leaping out of smoke. Well, what have you found so wonderful? What's gotten into your head again? Really, she behaves like a child of three. She doesn't act a bit like a girl of eighteen, not a bit. I don't know when you'll get more sense into your head, when you'll behave like a decent, well-bred girl, when you'll know what good manners are and a proper demeanor.

ANNA. So, what do you want? Why did you come in here? For what? What kind of nonsense is this? You just burst in here like a cat appearing from nowhere. So, what have you found so amazing? What's going on in your head again? Honestly, she acts like a three-year-old. She doesn't behave at all like an eighteen-year-old should. I have no idea when you're going to start using your common sense, when you'll act like a respectable, well-mannered girl, when you'll understand what good manners and proper behavior are.

MARYA [through her tears]. Mamma, I really didn't know—

MARYA [through her tears]. Mom, I honestly didn't know—

ANNA. There's always a breeze blowing through your head. You act like Liapkin-Tiapkin's daughter. Why should you imitate them? You shouldn't imitate them. You have other examples to follow. You have your mother before you. She's the example to follow.

ANNA. There's always a breeze blowing through your mind. You act like Liapkin-Tiapkin's daughter. Why do you want to imitate them? You shouldn't imitate them. You have better examples to follow. You have your mother to look up to. She's the example to follow.

KHLESTAKOV [seizing Marya's hand]. Anna Andreyevna, don't oppose our happiness. Give your blessing to our constant love.

KHLESTAKOV [taking Marya's hand]. Anna Andreyevna, please don't stand in the way of our happiness. Bless our everlasting love.

ANNA [in surprise]. So it's in her you are—

ANNA [in surprise]. So that's who you're involved with—

KHLESTAKOV. Decide—life or death?

KHLESTAKOV. Choose—life or death?

ANNA. Well, there, you fool, you see? Our guest is pleased to go down on his knees for such trash as you. You, running in suddenly as if you were out of your mind. Really, it would be just what you deserve, if I refused. You are not worthy of such happiness.

ANNA. Well, there you go, you fool, see? Our guest is happy to kneel for someone like you. You just barged in here like you’re crazy. Honestly, it would serve you right if I said no. You don’t deserve this kind of happiness.

MARYA. I won't do it again, mamma, really I won't.

MARYA. I won't do it again, mom, I promise I won't.

SCENE XV

The same and the Governor in precipitate haste.

The same and the Governor in a rush.

GOVERNOR. Your Excellency, don't ruin me, don't ruin me.

GOVERNOR. Your Excellency, please don't destroy me, don't destroy me.

KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter?

KHLESTAKOV. What's wrong?

GOVERNOR. The merchants have complained to your Excellency. I assure you on my honor that not one half of what they said is so. They themselves are cheats. They give short measure and short weight. The officer's widow lied to you when she said I flogged her. She lied, upon my word, she lied. She flogged herself.

GOVERNOR. The merchants have made complaints to you, Your Excellency. I promise you on my honor that barely half of what they said is true. They are the ones being dishonest. They give less than what they should in both measurements and weights. The officer's widow lied when she claimed I whipped her. I swear, she’s not telling the truth. She harmed herself.

KHLESTAKOV. The devil take the officer's widow. What do I care about the officer's widow.

KHLESTAKOV. To hell with the officer's widow. Why should I care about her?

GOVERNOR. Don't believe them, don't believe them. They are rank liars; a mere child wouldn't believe them. They are known all over town as liars. And as for cheating, I venture to inform you that there are no swindlers like them in the whole of creation.

GOVERNOR. Don't trust them, don't trust them. They are blatant liars; even a child wouldn't believe them. Everyone in town knows they lie. And when it comes to cheating, I can assure you that there are no con artists like them anywhere.

ANNA. Do you know what honor Ivan Aleksandrovich is bestowing upon us? He is asking for our daughter's hand.

ANNA. Do you know what honor Ivan Aleksandrovich is giving us? He is asking for our daughter's hand.

GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? Mother has lost her wits. Please do not be angry, your Excellency. She has a touch of insanity. Her mother was like that, too.

GOVERNOR. What are you saying? Mom has lost her mind. Please don’t be upset, your Excellency. She’s a bit crazy. Her mother was the same way.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I am really asking for your daughter's hand. I am in love with her.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I am actually asking for your daughter's hand. I'm in love with her.

GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it, your Excellency.

GOVERNOR. I can't believe it, your excellency.

ANNA. But when you are told!

ANNA. But when you hear about it!

KHLESTAKOV. I am not joking. I could go crazy, I am so in love.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm not kidding. I could lose my mind, I'm so in love.

GOVERNOR. I daren't believe it. I am unworthy of such an honor.

GOVERNOR. I can't believe it. I don't deserve such an honor.

KHLESTAKOV. If you don't consent to give me your daughter Marya Antonovna's hand, then I am ready to do the devil knows what.

KHLESTAKOV. If you won’t agree to let me marry your daughter Marya Antonovna, then I’m prepared to go to ridiculous lengths.

GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it. You deign to joke, your Excellency.

GOVERNOR. I can't believe it. You're joking, Your Excellency.

ANNA. My, what a blockhead! Really! When you are told over and over again!

ANNA. Wow, what an idiot! Seriously! When you’ve been told again and again!

GOVERNOR. I can't believe it.

GOVERNOR. I can't believe this.

KHLESTAKOV. Give her to me, give her to me! I am a desperate man and I may do anything. If I shoot myself, you will have a law-suit on your hands.

KHLESTAKOV. Give her to me, give her to me! I'm a desperate man and I might do anything. If I shoot myself, you'll have a lawsuit on your hands.

GOVERNOR. Oh, my God! I am not guilty either in thought or in action. Please do not be angry. Be pleased to act as your mercy wills. Really, my head is in such a state I don't know what is happening. I have turned into a worse fool than I've ever been in my life.

GOVERNOR. Oh my God! I'm not guilty, either in thought or action. Please don't be angry. Act as your mercy allows. Honestly, my mind is so cloudy that I don’t know what’s going on. I've become a bigger fool than I've ever been in my life.

ANNA. Well, give your blessing.

ANNA. Well, give your approval.

Khlestakov goes up to Marya Antonovna.

Khlestakov goes to Marya Antonovna.

GOVERNOR. May God bless you, but I am not guilty. [Khlestakov kisses Marya. The Governor looks at them.] What the devil! It's really so. [Rubs his eyes.] They are kissing. Oh, heavens! They are kissing. Actually to be our son-in-law! [Cries out, jumping with glee.] Ho, Anton! Ho, Anton! Ho, Governor! So that's the turn events have taken!

GOVERNOR. God bless you, but I’m not guilty. [Khlestakov kisses Marya. The Governor watches them.] What the hell! This is really happening. [Rubs his eyes.] They are kissing. Oh my goodness! They are kissing. He’s actually going to be our son-in-law! [Shouts, jumping with joy.] Hey, Anton! Hey, Anton! Hey, Governor! So this is how things have turned out!

SCENE XVI

The same and Osip.

The same with Osip.

OSIP. The horses are ready.

Horses are ready.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh! All right. I'll come presently.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh! Fine. I'll be there soon.

GOVERNOR. What's that? Are you leaving?

GOVERNOR. What’s that? Are you headed out?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I'm going.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I'm heading out.

GOVERNOR. Then when—that is—I thought you were pleased to hint at a wedding.

GOVERNOR. So, when—I mean—I thought you were suggesting a wedding.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh—for one minute only—for one day—to my uncle, a rich old man. I'll be back tomorrow.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh—for just one minute—for one day—to my uncle, a wealthy old guy. I'll be back tomorrow.

GOVERNOR. We would not venture, of course, to hold you back, and we hope for your safe return.

GOVERNOR. We definitely wouldn’t try to stop you, and we wish you a safe return.

KHLESTAKOV. Of course, of course, I'll come back at once. Good-by, my dear—no, I simply can't express my feelings. Good-by, my heart. [Kisses Marya's hand.]

KHLESTAKOV. Of course, of course, I'll be back right away. Goodbye, my dear—no, I just can't put my feelings into words. Goodbye, my heart. [Kisses Marya's hand.]

GOVERNOR. Don't you need something for the road? It seems to me you were pleased to be short of cash.

GOVERNOR. Don't you need anything for the journey? It looks like you were happy to be low on funds.

KHLESTAKOV, Oh, no, what for? [After a little thought.] However, if you like.

KHLESTAKOV, Oh no, why would I? [After a moment of reflection.] But if that's what you want.

GOVERNOR. How much will you have?

GOVERNOR. How much do you need?

KHLESTAKOV. You gave me two hundred then, that is, not two hundred, but four hundred—I don't want to take advantage of your mistake—you might let me have the same now so that it should be an even eight hundred.

KHLESTAKOV. You gave me two hundred before, actually, it was four hundred—I don’t want to take advantage of your mistake—you might as well give me the same amount now so we can make it an even eight hundred.

GOVERNOR. Very well. [Takes the money out of his pocket-book.] The notes happen to be brand-new, too, as though on purpose.

GOVERNOR. Alright. [Takes the money out of his wallet.] The bills are brand new, almost as if it was intentional.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes. [Takes the bills and looks at them.] That's good. They say new money means good luck.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, for sure. [Takes the bills and looks at them.] That's great. They say that new money brings good luck.

GOVERNOR. Quite right.

GOVERNOR. That's correct.

KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich. I am very much obliged to you for your hospitality. I admit with all my heart that I have never got such a good reception anywhere. Good-by, Anna Andreyevna. Good-by, my sweet-heart, Marya Antonovna.

KHLESTAKOV. Goodbye, Anton Antonovich. I really appreciate your hospitality. I truly admit that I’ve never been welcomed so warmly anywhere else. Goodbye, Anna Andreyevna. Goodbye, my dear, Marya Antonovna.

All go out.

Everyone go out.

Behind the Scenes.

KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, angel of my soul, Marya Antonovna.

KHLESTAKOV. Goodbye, angel of my soul, Marya Antonovna.

GOVERNOR. What's that? You are going in a plain mail-coach?

GOVERNOR. What’s that? You’re taking a regular mail coach?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I'm used to it. I get a headache from a carriage with springs.

POSTILION. Ho!

POSTILION. Hey!

GOVERNOR. Take a rug for the seat at least. If you say so, I'll tell them to bring a rug.

GOVERNOR. At least take a rug for the seat. If you want, I'll have them bring one.

KHLESTAKOV. No, what for? It's not necessary. However, let them bring a rug if you please.

KHLESTAKOV. No, why? It's not needed. But if you could, please bring a rug.

GOVERNOR. Ho, Avdotya. Go to the store-room and bring the very best rug from there, the Persian rug with the blue ground. Quick!

GOVERNOR. Hey, Avdotya. Go to the storage room and bring back the best rug you can find, the Persian rug with the blue background. Hurry up!

POSTILION. Ho!

POSTILION. Hey!

GOVERNOR. When do you say we are to expect you back?

GOVERNOR. When do you think you'll be back?

KHLESTAKOV. Tomorrow, or the day after.

KHLESTAKOV. Tomorrow or the day after.

OSIP. Is this the rug? Give it here. Put it there. Now put some hay on this side.

OSIP. Is this the rug? Hand it over. Put it there. Now add some hay to this side.

POSTILION. Ho!

Postman. Hey!

OSIP. Here, on this side. More. All right. That will be fine. [Beats the rug down with his hand.] Now take the seat, your Excellency.

OSIP. Over here, this way. More. Okay, that’s good. [He pounds the rug with his hand.] Now take a seat, Your Excellency.

KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich.

KHLESTAKOV. Goodbye, Anton Antonovich.

GOVERNOR. Good-by, your Excellency.

GOVERNOR. Goodbye, Your Excellency.

ANNA } MARYA} Good-by, Ivan Aleksandrovich.

ANNA } MARYA} Goodbye, Ivan Aleksandrovich.

KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, mother.

KHLESTAKOV. Goodbye, Mom.

POSTILION. Get up, my boys!

Postilion. Rise and shine, boys!

The bell rings and the curtain drops.

The bell rings and the curtain falls.

ACT V

SCENE: Same as in Act IV.

SCENE I

Governor, Anna Andreyevna, and Marya Antonovna.

GOVERNOR. Well, Anna Andreyevna, eh? Did you ever imagine such a thing? Such a rich prize? I'll be—. Well, confess frankly, it never occurred to you even in your dreams, did it? From just a simple governor's wife suddenly—whew!—I'll be hanged!—to marry into the family of such a big gun.

GOVERNOR. So, Anna Andreyevna, huh? Did you ever think something like this would happen? Such a huge opportunity? I can't believe it. Come on, admit it, you never thought this would cross your mind, did you? Going from just being the governor's wife to suddenly—wow!—I can't believe it—marrying into such an influential family.

ANNA. Not at all. I knew it long ago. It seems wonderful to you because you are so plain. You never saw decent people.

ANNA. Not at all. I knew that a long time ago. It seems amazing to you because you’re so ordinary. You’ve never met good people.

GOVERNOR. I'm a decent person myself, mother. But, really, think, Anna Andreyevna, what gay birds we have turned into now, you and I. Eh, Anna Andreyevna? High fliers, by Jove! Wait now, I'll give those fellows who were so eager to present their petitions and denunciations a peppering. Ho, who's there? [Enter a Sergeant.] Is it you, Ivan Karpovich? Call those merchants here, brother, won't you? I'll give it to them, the scoundrels! To make such complaints against me! The damned pack of Jews! Wait, my dear fellows. I used to dose you down to your ears. Now I'll dose you down to your beards. Make a list of all who came to protest against me, especially the mean petty scribblers who cooked the petitions up for them, and announce to all that they should know what honor the Heavens have bestowed upon the Governor, namely this: that he is marrying his daughter, not to a plain ordinary man, but to one the like of whom has never yet been in the world, who can do everything, everything, everything, everything! Proclaim it to all so that everybody should know. Shout it aloud to the whole world. Ring the bell, the devil take it! It is a triumph, and we will make it a triumph. [The Sergeant goes out.] So that's the way, Anna Andreyevna, eh? What shall we do now? Where shall we live? Here or in St. Pete?

GOVERNOR. I'm a decent person myself, mother. But honestly, think about it, Anna Andreyevna, what playful people we’ve become, you and I. Right, Anna Andreyevna? We’re flying high, for sure! Just wait, I'll give those guys who were so eager to file their complaints and accusations a piece of my mind. Hey, who’s there? [Enter a Sergeant.] Is that you, Ivan Karpovich? Please bring those merchants here, will you? I’m going to give it to them, the scoundrels! To have the nerve to complain about me! The damn bunch of Jews! Hold on, my good fellows. I used to really put you in your place. Now I’ll really let you have it. Make a list of everyone who came to protest against me, especially the petty little scribblers who helped them draft those complaints, and let everyone know what honor the Heavens have conferred upon the Governor: that he’s marrying his daughter, not to just anyone, but to someone unlike anyone the world has ever seen, who can do it all, everything, everything, everything! Broadcast it so that everyone knows. Shout it out loud for the whole world to hear. Ring the bell, for goodness' sake! This is a celebration, and we’re going to make it a celebration. [The Sergeant goes out.] So that’s how it is, Anna Andreyevna, huh? What should we do now? Where should we live? Here or in St. Pete?

ANNA. In St. Petersburg, of course. How could we remain here?

ANNA. In St. Petersburg, obviously. How could we stay here?

GOVERNOR. Well, if St. Pete, then St. Pete. But it would be good here, too. I suppose the governorship could then go to the devil, eh, Anna Andreyevna?

GOVERNOR. Well, if it's St. Pete, then it's St. Pete. But it would be nice here, too. I guess the governorship could go to hell, right, Anna Andreyevna?

ANNA. Of course. What's a governorship?

ANNA. Definitely. What’s a governor?

GOVERNOR. Don't you think, Anna Andreyevna, I can rise to a high rank now, he being hand in glove with all the ministers, and visiting the court? In time I can be promoted to a generalship. What do you think, Anna Andreyevna? Can I become a general?

GOVERNOR. Don’t you think, Anna Andreyevna, that I can move up to a high rank now, since he’s close with all the ministers and visits the court? Eventually, I could be promoted to a general. What do you think, Anna Andreyevna? Can I become a general?

ANNA. I should say so. Of course you can.

ANNA. Totally. You can do it.

GOVERNOR. Ah, the devil take it, it's nice to be a general. They hang a ribbon across your shoulders. What ribbon is better, the red St. Anne or the blue St. Andrew?

GOVERNOR. Ah, damn it, it’s great to be a general. They drape a ribbon over your shoulders. Which ribbon is better, the red St. Anne or the blue St. Andrew?

ANNA. The blue St. Andrew, of course.

ANNA. The blue St. Andrew, obviously.

GOVERNOR. What! My, you're aiming high. The red one is good, too. Why does one want to be a general? Because when you go travelling, there are always couriers and aides on ahead with "Horses"! And at the stations they refuse to give the horses to others. They all wait, all those councilors, captains, governors, and you don't take the slightest notice of them. You dine somewhere with the governor-general. And the town-governor—I'll keep him waiting at the door. Ha, ha, ha! [He bursts into a roar of laughter, shaking all over.] That's what's so alluring, confound it!

GOVERNOR. What! Wow, you're really aiming high. The red one is nice too. Why does anyone want to be a general? Because when you travel, there are always couriers and aides ahead with "Horses"! And at the stations, they won’t let others have the horses. Everyone waits—those councilors, captains, governors—and you don’t even pay attention to them. You end up having dinner with the governor-general. And the town governor—I'll make him wait at the door. Ha, ha, ha! [He bursts into a roar of laughter, shaking all over.] That's what's so tempting, darn it!

ANNA. You always like such coarse things. You must remember that our life will have to be completely changed, that your acquaintances will not be a dog-lover of a judge, with whom you go hunting hares, or a Zemlianika. On the contrary, your acquaintances will be people of the most refined type, counts, and society aristocrats. Only really I am afraid of you. You sometimes use words that one never hears in good society.

ANNA. You always like such rough things. You have to remember that our life is going to change completely, and your friends won’t be a dog-loving judge you go hare hunting with, or a Zemlianika. Instead, your friends will be the most refined people—counts and aristocrats from society. Honestly, I’m a bit scared of you. Sometimes you say things that you never hear in polite society.

GOVERNOR. What of it? A word doesn't hurt.

GOVERNOR. So what? A word won't hurt.

ANNA. It's all right when you are a town-governor, but there the life is entirely different.

ANNA. It's fine when you're a town governor, but life is completely different there.

GOVERNOR. Yes, they say there are two kinds of fish there, the sea-eel and the smelt, and before you start to eat them, the saliva flows in your mouth.

GOVERNOR. Yes, they say there are two types of fish there, the sea eel and the smelt, and before you even start eating them, your mouth starts watering.

ANNA. That's all he thinks about—fish. I shall insist upon our house being the first in the capital and my room having so much amber in it that when you come in you have to shut your eyes. [She shuts her eyes and sniffs.] Oh, how good!

ANNA. That's all he cares about—fish. I’m determined to make our house the finest in the capital, and my room will have so much amber in it that when you walk in, you’ll have to close your eyes. [She closes her eyes and breathes in.] Oh, how lovely!

SCENE II

The same and the Merchants.

The same and the vendors.

GOVERNOR. Ah, how do you do, my fine fellows?

GOVERNOR. Oh, how's it going, my good friends?

MERCHANTS [bowing]. We wish you health, father.

MERCHANTS [bowing]. We wish you good health, father.

GOVERNOR. Well, my dearly beloved friends, how are you? How are your goods selling? So you complained against me, did you, you tea tanks, you scurvy hucksters? Complain, against me? You crooks, you pirates, you. Did you gain a lot by it, eh? Aha, you thought you'd land me in prison? May seven devils and one she-devil take you! Do you know that—

GOVERNOR. Well, my dear friends, how are you? How are your goods selling? So you complained about me, did you, you tea sellers, you dishonest merchants? Complaining against me? You crooks, you pirates. Did you really think you’d get a lot out of it, huh? Aha, you thought you could throw me in prison? May seven devils and one she-devil take you! Do you know that—

ANNA. Good heavens, Antosha, what words you use!

ANNA. Good grief, Antosha, what words you choose!

GOVERNOR [irritated]. Oh, it isn't a matter of words now. Do you know that the very official to whom you complained is going to marry my daughter? Well, what do you say to that? Now I'll make you smart. You cheat the people, you make a contract with the government, and you do the government out of a hundred thousand, supplying it with rotten cloth; and when you give fifteen yards away gratis, you expect a reward besides. If they knew, they would send you to—And you strut about sticking out your paunches with a great air of importance: "I'm a merchant, don't touch me." "We," you say, "are as good as the nobility." Yes, the nobility, you monkey-faces. The nobleman is educated. If he gets flogged in school, it is for a purpose, to learn something useful. And you—start out in life learning trickery. Your master beats you for not being able to cheat. When you are still little boys and don't know the Lord's Prayer, you already give short measure and short weight. And when your bellies swell and your pockets fill up, then you assume an air of importance. Whew! What marvels! Because you guzzle sixteen samovars full a day, that's why you put on an air of importance. I spit on your heads and on your importance.

GOVERNOR [irritated]. Oh, it's not just about words anymore. Do you realize that the very official you complained about is going to marry my daughter? Well, what do you think about that? Now I'll make you feel the consequences. You swindle the people, make a deal with the government, and you cheat them out of a hundred thousand by supplying them with bad cloth; and when you give away fifteen yards for free, you expect to be rewarded too. If they knew, they would send you to—And you walk around, puffing out your stomachs with an air of self-importance: "I'm a merchant, don’t touch me." "We," you say, "are just as good as the nobility." Yes, the nobility, you fools. The nobleman is educated. If he gets punished in school, it's for a reason, to learn something valuable. And you—start your lives learning how to trick people. Your master punishes you for not being able to cheat. When you're still little boys who don't even know the Lord's Prayer, you're already giving short measures and short weights. And when your bellies get big and your pockets fill up, then you act all important. Wow! What a surprise! Just because you guzzle sixteen samovars a day, you think that gives you the right to act superior. I spit on your heads and your so-called importance.

MERCHANTS [bowing]. We are guilty, Anton Antonovich.

MERCHANTS [bowing]. We're guilty, Anton Antonovich.

GOVERNOR. Complaining, eh? And who helped you with that grafting when you built a bridge and charged twenty thousand for wood when there wasn't even a hundred rubles' worth used? I did. You goat beards. Have you forgotten? If I had informed on you, I could have despatched you to Siberia. What do you say to that?

GOVERNOR. Complaining, huh? And who helped you with that scam when you built a bridge and charged twenty thousand for wood when there wasn’t even a hundred rubles' worth used? I did. You fools. Have you forgotten? If I had turned you in, I could have sent you to Siberia. What do you think about that?

A MERCHANT. I'm guilty before God, Anton Antonovich. The evil spirit tempted me. We will never complain against you again. Ask whatever satisfaction you want, only don't be angry.

A MERCHANT. I’m guilty before God, Anton Antonovich. The evil spirit tempted me. We won’t complain about you again. Just ask for whatever you want to make it right, but please don’t be angry.

GOVERNOR. Don't be angry! Now you are crawling at my feet. Why? Because I am on top now. But if the balance dipped the least bit your way, then you would trample me in the very dirt—you scoundrels! And you would crush me under a beam besides.

GOVERNOR. Don’t be mad! Now you’re crawling at my feet. Why? Because I’m in charge right now. But if the tables turned even slightly in your favor, you would stomp on me without a second thought—you crooks! And you would crush me under a beam too.

MERCHANTS [prostrating themselves]. Don't ruin us, Anton Antonovich.

MERCHANTS [bowing deeply]. Please don’t destroy us, Anton Antonovich.

GOVERNOR. Don't ruin us! Now you say, don't ruin us! And what did you say before? I could give you—[shrugging his shoulders and throwing up his hands.] Well, God forgive you. Enough. I don't harbor malice for long. Only look out now. Be on your guard. My daughter is going to marry, not an ordinary nobleman. Let your congratulations be—you understand? Don't try to get away with a dried sturgeon or a loaf of sugar. Well, leave now, in God's name.

GOVERNOR. Don't mess this up for us! Now you say, don’t mess it up! And what were you saying before? I could give you—[shrugging his shoulders and throwing up his hands.] Well, God forgive you. Enough. I don’t hold a grudge for long. Just be careful now. Watch yourself. My daughter is going to marry, not just some ordinary nobleman. Make sure your congratulations reflect that—you get it? Don’t try to pull a fast one with a dried sturgeon or a loaf of sugar. Now go, for God’s sake.

Merchants leave.

Vendors leave.

SCENE III

The same, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, then Rastakovsky.

The same, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, and then Rastakovsky.

AMMOS [in the doorway]. Are we to believe the report, Anton Antonovich? A most extraordinary piece of good fortune has befallen you, hasn't it?

AMMOS [in the doorway]. Should we trust the report, Anton Antonovich? You've really hit an incredible stroke of luck, haven't you?

ARTEMY. I have the honor to congratulate you on your unusual good fortune. I was glad from the bottom of my heart when I heard it. [Kisses Anna's hand.] Anna Andreyevna! [Kissing Marya's hand.] Marya Antonovna!

ARTEMY. I’m honored to congratulate you on your amazing good luck. I was truly happy when I heard about it. [Kisses Anna's hand.] Anna Andreyevna! [Kissing Marya's hand.] Marya Antonovna!

Rastakovsky enters.

Rastakovsky walks in.

RASTAKOVSKY. I congratulate you, Anton Antonovich. May God give you and the new couple long life and may He grant you numerous progeny—grand-children and great-grand-children. Anna Andreyevna! [Kissing her hand.] Marya Antonovna! [Kissing her hand.]

RASTAKOVSKY. Congratulations, Anton Antonovich. May God bless you and the newlyweds with a long life and many children—grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Anna Andreyevna! [Kissing her hand.] Marya Antonovna! [Kissing her hand.]

SCENE IV

The same, Korobkin and his Wife, Liuliukov.

The same, Korobkin and his wife, Liuliukov.

KOROBKIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anton Antonovich, and you, Anna Andreyevna [kissing her hand] and you Marya Antonovna [kissing her hand].

KOROBKIN. I’m honored to congratulate you, Anton Antonovich, and you, Anna Andreyevna [kissing her hand] and you, Marya Antonovna [kissing her hand].

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. I congratulate you from the bottom of my heart, Anna Andreyevna, on your new stroke of good fortune.

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. I sincerely congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna, on your new bit of good luck.

LIULIUKOV. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna. [Kisses her hand and turns to the audience, smacks his lips, putting on a bold front.] Marya Antonovna, I have the honor to congratulate you. [Kisses her hand and turns to the audience in the same way.]

LIULIUKOV. I’m honored to congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna. [Kisses her hand and turns to the audience, smacks his lips, putting on a bold front.] Marya Antonovna, I’m honored to congratulate you. [Kisses her hand and turns to the audience in the same way.]

SCENE V

A number of Guests enter. They kiss Anna's hand saying: "Anna Andreyevna," then Marya's hand, saying "Marya Antonovna."

A number of guests enter. They kiss Anna's hand, saying, "Anna Andreyevna," then kiss Marya's hand, saying, "Marya Antonovna."

Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky enter jostling each other.

Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky walk in, bumping into each other.

BOBCHINSKY. I have the honor to congratulate you.

BOBCHINSKY. I'm honored to congratulate you.

DOBCHINSKY. Anton Antonovich, I have the honor to congratulate you.

DOBCHINSKY. Anton Antonovich, I’m honored to congratulate you.

BOBCHINSKY. On the happy event.

BOBCHINSKY. On the joyful occasion.

DOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!

Anna Andreyevna!

BOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!

Anna Andreyevna!

They bend over her hand at the same time and bump foreheads.

They lean over her hand at the same time and knock foreheads.

DOBCHINSKY. Marya Antonovna! [Kisses her hand.] I have the honor to congratulate you. You will enjoy the greatest happiness. You will wear garments of gold and eat the most delicate soups, and you will pass your time most entertainingly.

DOBCHINSKY. Marya Antonovna! [Kisses her hand.] I’m honored to congratulate you. You’re going to experience the greatest happiness. You’ll wear gold clothing and enjoy the finest soups, and you’ll have the most entertaining time.

BOBCHINSKY [breaking in]. God give you all sorts of riches and of money and a wee tiny little son, like this. [Shows the size with his hands.] So that he can sit on the palm of your hand. The little fellow will be crying all the time, "Wow, wow, wow."

BOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. May you have all kinds of wealth and money, and a tiny little son, like this. [Shows the size with his hands.] So he can sit in the palm of your hand. The little guy will be crying all the time, "Wow, wow, wow."

SCENE VI

More Guests enter and kiss the ladies' hands, among them Luka Lukich and his wife.

More guests come in and kiss the ladies' hands, including Luka Lukich and his wife.

LUKA LUKICH. I have the honor.

Luka Lukich. I'm honored.

LUKA'S WIFE [running ahead]. Congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna. [They kiss.] Really, I was so glad to hear of it. They tell me, "Anna Andreyevna has betrothed her daughter." "Oh, my God," I think to myself. It made me so glad that I said to my husband, "Listen, Lukanchik, that's a great piece of fortune for Anna Andreyevna." "Well," think I to myself, "thank God!" And I say to him, "I'm so delighted that I'm consumed with impatience to tell it to Anna Andreyevna herself." "Oh, my God," think I to myself, "it's just as Anna Andreyevna expected. She always did expect a good match for her daughter. And now what luck! It happened just exactly as she wanted it to happen." Really, it made me so glad that I couldn't say a word. I cried and cried. I simply screamed, so that Luka Lukich said to me, "What are you crying so for, Nastenka?" "Lukanchik," I said, "I don't know myself. The tears just keep flowing like a stream."

LUKA'S WIFE [running ahead]. Congrats, Anna Andreyevna. [They kiss.] I was really excited to hear about it. They told me, "Anna Andreyevna has engaged her daughter." "Oh, my God," I thought. It made me so happy that I told my husband, "Listen, Lukanchik, this is such a great fortune for Anna Andreyevna." "Well," I thought, "thank God!" And I told him, "I'm so thrilled that I can’t wait to share it with Anna Andreyevna herself." "Oh, my God," I thought, "it’s exactly what Anna Andreyevna expected. She always hoped for a good match for her daughter. And now, what luck! It happened just like she wanted." Honestly, I was so overwhelmed with joy that I couldn't find the words. I cried and cried. I just screamed, so Luka Lukich asked me, "Why are you crying so much, Nastenka?" "Lukanchik," I said, "I don’t even know. The tears just keep coming like a river."

GOVERNOR. Please sit down, ladies and gentlemen. Ho, Mishka, bring some more chairs in.

GOVERNOR. Please take a seat, everyone. Hey, Mishka, can you grab some more chairs?

The Guests seat themselves.

The guests take their seats.

SCENE VII

The same, the Police Captain and Sergeants.

The same goes for the Police Captain and Sergeants.

CAPTAIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, your Honor, and to wish you long years of prosperity.

CAPTAIN. I’m honored to congratulate you, Your Honor, and I wish you many years of success.

GOVERNOR. Thank you, thank you! Please sit down, gentlemen.

GOVERNOR. Thanks, thanks! Please have a seat, gentlemen.

The Guests seat themselves.

Guests take their seats.

AMMOS. But please tell us, Anton Antonovich, how did it all come about, and how did it all—ahem!—go?

AMMOS. But seriously, Anton Antonovich, can you tell us how it all happened and how everything—uh—went?

GOVERNOR. It went in a most extraordinary way. He condescended to make the proposal in his own person.

GOVERNOR. It happened in a really unusual way. He took the time to make the proposal himself.

ANNA. In the most respectful and most delicate manner. He spoke beautifully. He said: "Anna Andreyevna, I have only a feeling of respect for your worth." And such a handsome, cultured man! His manners so genteel! "Believe me, Anna Andreyevna," he says, "life is not worth a penny to me. It is only because I respect your rare qualities."

ANNA. In the most respectful and delicate way. He spoke beautifully. He said, "Anna Andreyevna, I only feel respect for your worth." And he was such a handsome, cultured man! His manners were so refined! "Believe me, Anna Andreyevna," he said, "life is not worth a penny to me. It's only because I respect your rare qualities."

MARYA. Oh, mamma, it was to me he said that.

MARYA. Oh, Mom, he was saying that to me.

ANNA. Shut up! You don't know anything. And don't meddle in other people's affairs. "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "I am enraptured." That was the flattering way he poured out his soul. And when I was going to say, "We cannot possibly hope for such an honor," he suddenly went down on his knees, and so aristocratically! "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "don't make me the most miserable of men. Consent to respond to my feelings, or else I'll put an end to my life."

ANNA. Shut up! You don't know anything. And stay out of other people's business. "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "I'm so thrilled." That was his flattering way of expressing himself. Just when I was about to say, "We can't possibly expect such an honor," he suddenly dropped to his knees, and in such an aristocratic way! "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "don't make me the most miserable man. Please, respond to my feelings, or else I'll end my life."

MARYA. Really, mamma, it was to me he said that.

MARYA. Honestly, Mom, he was talking to me when he said that.

ANNA. Yes, of course—to you, too. I don't deny it.

ANNA. Yeah, of course—to you, too. I won't deny it.

GOVERNOR. He even frightened us. He said he would put a bullet through his brains. "I'll shoot myself, I'll shoot myself," he said.

GOVERNOR. He even scared us. He said he would put a bullet through his head. "I’ll kill myself, I’ll kill myself," he said.

MANY GUESTS. Well, for the Lord's sake!

MANY GUESTS. Well, for goodness' sake!

AMMOS. How remarkable!

AMMOS. That's amazing!

LUKA. It must have been fate that so ordained.

LUKA. It must have been destiny that made it happen.

ARTEMY. Not fate, my dear friend. Fate is a turkey-hen. It was the Governor's services that brought him this piece of fortune. [Aside.] Good luck always does crawl into the mouths of swine like him.

ARTEMY. Not fate, my dear friend. Fate is a stupid thing. It was the Governor's connections that brought him this piece of luck. [Aside.] Good fortune always seems to find its way into the hands of swine like him.

AMMOS. If you like, Anton Antonovich, I'll sell you the dog we were bargaining about.

AMMOS. If you want, Anton Antonovich, I can sell you the dog we were talking about.

GOVERNOR. I don't care about dogs now.

GOVERNOR. I’m not concerned about dogs right now.

AMMOS. Well, if you don't want it, then we'll agree on some other dog.

AMMOS. Well, if you don’t want it, then we’ll agree on another dog.

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Oh, Anna Andreyevna, how happy I am over your good fortune. You can't imagine how happy I am.

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Oh, Anna Andreyevna, I’m so thrilled about your good luck. You can't even imagine how happy I am.

KOROBKIN. But where, may I ask, is the distinguished guest now? I heard he had gone away for some reason or other.

KOROBKIN. But where, may I ask, is the distinguished guest now? I heard he left for some reason or another.

GOVERNOR. Yes, he's gone off for a day on a highly important matter.

GOVERNOR. Yes, he’s taken a day off for something really important.

ANNA. To his uncle—to ask his blessing.

ANNA. To his uncle—to ask for his blessing.

GOVERNOR. To ask his blessing. But tomorrow—[He sneezes, and all burst into one exclamation of well-wishes.] Thank you very much. But tomorrow he'll be back. [He sneezes, and is congratulated again. Above the other voices are heard those of the following.]

GOVERNOR. To ask for his blessing. But tomorrow—[He sneezes, and everyone chimes in with well-wishes.] Thank you very much. But he'll be back tomorrow. [He sneezes again and receives congratulations once more. Above the other voices, the following can be heard.]

{CAPTAIN. I wish you health, your Honor.

{CAPTAIN. I wish you good health, Your Honor.

{BOBCHINSKY. A hundred years and a sack of ducats.

{BOBCHINSKY. A hundred years and a bag of gold coins.

{DOBCHINSKY. May God increase it to a thousand.

{DOBCHINSKY. May God multiply it a thousandfold.

{ARTEMY. May you go to hell!

Go to hell!

{KOROBKIN'S WIFE. The devil take you!

{KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Screw you!

GOVERNOR. I'm very much obliged to you. I wish you the same.

GOVERNOR. I really appreciate that. I wish you the same.

ANNA. We intend to live in St. Petersburg now. I must say, the atmosphere here is too village-like. I must say, it's extremely unpleasant. My husband, too—he'll be made a general there.

ANNA. We're planning to live in St. Petersburg now. I have to say, the vibe here is too much like a small town. Honestly, it’s really unpleasant. My husband will be promoted to general there, too.

GOVERNOR. Yes, confound it, gentlemen, I admit I should very much like to be a general.

GOVERNOR. Yes, damn it, guys, I admit I’d really like to be a general.

LUKA. May God grant that you get a generalship.

LUKA. I hope you become a general.

RASTAKOVSKY. From man it is impossible, but from God everything is possible.

RASTAKOVSKY. From humans, it's impossible, but from God, everything is possible.

AMMOS. High merits, high honors.

AMMOS. High accolades, high honors.

ARTEMY. Reward according to service.

ARTEMY. Pay based on service.

AMMOS [aside]. The things he'll do when he becomes a general. A generalship suits him as a saddle suits a cow. It's a far cry to his generalship. There are better men than you, and they haven't been made generals yet.

AMMOS [aside]. The things he'll do when he becomes a general. Being a general fits him about as well as a saddle fits a cow. It's a long way to his generalship. There are better men than you, and they haven't become generals yet.

ARTEMY [aside]. The devil take it—he's aiming for a generalship. Well, maybe he will become a general after all. He's got the air of importance, the devil take him! [Addressing the Governor.] Don't forget us then, Anton Antonovich.

ARTEMY [aside]. Damn it—he's gunning for a generalship. Well, maybe he will become a general after all. He really carries himself like one, damn him! [Addressing the Governor.] Don't forget about us then, Anton Antonovich.

AMMOS. And if anything happens—for instance, some difficulty in our affairs—don't refuse us your protection.

AMMOS. And if anything goes wrong—for example, if we experience some trouble in our affairs—please don't hesitate to offer us your protection.

KOROBKIN. Next year I am going to take my son to the capital to put him in government service. So do me the kindness to give me your protection. Be a father to the orphan.

KOROBKIN. Next year I’m planning to take my son to the capital to get him started in government work. So please do me a favor and look after him. Be a father to the orphan.

GOVERNOR. I am ready for my part—ready to exert my efforts on your behalf.

GOVERNOR. I'm ready for my role—ready to put in my effort for you.

ANNA. Antosha, you are always ready with your promises. In the first place, you won't have time to think of such things. And how can you—how is it possible for you, to burden yourself with such promises?

ANNA. Antosha, you’re always quick to make promises. First of all, you won’t have time to think about that kind of stuff. And how can you—how is it even possible for you to take on such promises?

GOVERNOR. Why not, my dear? It's possible occasionally.

GOVERNOR. Why not, my dear? It can happen sometimes.

ANNA. Of course it's possible. But you can't give protection to every small potato.

ANNA. Of course it's possible. But you can't protect everyone.

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Do you hear the way she speaks of us?

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Do you hear how she talks about us?

GUEST. She's always been that way. I know her. Seat her at table and she'll put her feet on it.

GUEST. She's always been like that. I know her. Sit her at a table and she'll put her feet on it.

SCENE VIII

The same and the Postmaster, who rushes in with an unsealed letter in his hand.

POSTMASTER. A most astonishing thing, ladies and gentlemen! The official whom we took to be an inspector-general is not an inspector-general.

POSTMASTER. A truly astonishing thing, everyone! The official we thought was an inspector-general is not an inspector-general.

ALL. How so? Not an inspector-general?

ALL. How's that? Not an inspector-general?

POSTMASTER. No, not a bit of it. I found it out from the letter.

POSTMASTER. No, not at all. I figured it out from the letter.

GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What letter?

GOVERNOR. What are you saying? What are you saying? What letter?

POSTMASTER. His own letter. They bring a letter to the postoffice, I glance at the address and I see Pochtamtskaya Street. I was struck dumb. "Well," I think to myself, "I suppose he found something wrong in the postoffice department and is informing the government." So I unsealed it.

POSTMASTER. His own letter. They bring a letter to the post office, I glance at the address and see Pochtamtskaya Street. I was stunned. "Well," I think, "I guess he found an issue with the post office department and is letting the government know." So I opened it.

GOVERNOR. How could you?

GOVERNOR. How could you do that?

POSTMASTER. I don't know myself. A supernatural power moved me. I had already summoned a courier to send it off by express; but I was overcome by a greater curiosity than I have ever felt in my life. "I can't, I can't," I hear a voice telling me. "I can't." But it pulled me and pulled me. In one ear I heard, "Don't open the letter. You will die like a chicken," and in the other it was just as if the devil were whispering, "Open it, open it." And when I cracked the sealing wax, I felt as if I were on fire; and when I opened the letter, I froze, upon my word, I froze. And my hands trembled, and everything whirled around me.

POSTMASTER. I really don’t know what happened. Something beyond me took control. I was about to send it out express with a courier, but I was hit with a curiosity I’ve never experienced before. "I can’t, I can’t," I kept hearing a voice say. "I can’t." But it just pulled at me more and more. In one ear, I heard, "Don’t open the letter. You’ll die like a chicken," and in the other, it felt like the devil was whispering, "Open it, open it." When I broke the sealing wax, it felt like I was on fire; and when I finally opened the letter, I just froze, seriously, I froze. My hands were shaking and everything around me was spinning.

GOVERNOR. But how did you dare to open it? The letter of so powerful a personage?

GOVERNOR. But how could you have the nerve to open it? A letter from such a powerful figure?

POSTMASTER. But that's just the point—he's neither powerful nor a personage.

POSTMASTER. But that's exactly the issue—he's neither influential nor important.

GOVERNOR. Then what is he in your opinion?

GOVERNOR. So, what do you think he is?

POSTMASTER. He's neither one thing nor another. The devil knows what he is.

POSTMASTER. He's not one thing or another. Who knows what he really is?

GOVERNOR [furiously]. How neither one thing nor another? How do you dare to call him neither one thing nor another? And the devil knows what besides? I'll put you under arrest.

GOVERNOR [furiously]. How can you say he’s neither one thing nor another? How dare you call him that? And who knows what else? I’ll have you arrested.

POSTMASTER. Who—you?

POSTMASTER. Who are you?

GOVERNOR. Yes, I.

GOVERNOR. Yeah, I.

POSTMASTER. You haven't the power.

POSTMASTER. You don't have the power.

GOVERNOR. Do you know that he's going to marry my daughter? That I myself am going to be a high official and will have the power to exile to Siberia?

GOVERNOR. Did you know he's going to marry my daughter? That I'm going to be a high-ranking official and will have the authority to send people into exile in Siberia?

POSTMASTER. Oh, Anton Antonovich, Siberia! Siberia is far away. I'd rather read the letter to you. Ladies and gentlemen, permit me to read the letter.

POSTMASTER. Oh, Anton Antonovich, Siberia! Siberia is really far away. I'd rather just read the letter to you. Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to read the letter.

ALL. Do read it.

Everyone. Please read it.

POSTMASTER [reads]. "I hasten to inform you, my dear friend, what wonderful things have happened to me. On the way here an infantry captain did me out of my last penny, so that the innkeeper here wanted to send me to jail, when suddenly, thanks to my St. Petersburg appearance and dress, the whole town took me for a governor-general. Now I am staying at the governor's home. I am having a grand time and I am flirting desperately with his wife and daughter. I only haven't decided whom to begin with. I think with the mother first, because she seems ready to accept all terms. You remember how hard up we were taking our meals wherever we could without paying for them, and how once the pastry cook grabbed me by the collar for having charged pies that I ate to the king of England? Now it is quite different. They lend me all the money I want. They are an awful lot of originals. You would split your sides laughing at them. I know you write for the papers. Put them in your literature. In the first place the Governor is as stupid as an old horse—"

POSTMASTER [reads]. "I’m excited to tell you, my dear friend, about the amazing things that have happened to me. On my way here, an infantry captain took my last penny, so the innkeeper wanted to throw me in jail. But suddenly, thanks to my St. Petersburg appearance and outfit, the entire town mistook me for a governor-general. Now I’m staying at the governor's house. I’m having a blast and I’m desperately flirting with his wife and daughter. I just haven’t decided who to start with. I think I’ll go with the mom first since she seems open to anything. Remember how broke we used to be, eating wherever we could without paying? And how once the pastry chef grabbed me by the collar for charging the pies I ate to the king of England? Now it’s completely different. They lend me as much money as I want. They’re a bunch of real characters. You’d be in stitches laughing at them. I know you write for the papers. Include them in your writing. First off, the Governor is as clueless as an old horse—"

GOVERNOR. Impossible! That can't be in the letter.

GOVERNOR. No way! That can't be in the letter.

POSTMASTER [showing the letter]. Read for yourself.

POSTMASTER [showing the letter]. Read it for yourself.

GOVERNOR [reads]. "As an old horse." Impossible! You put it in yourself.

GOVERNOR [reads]. "Like an old horse." No way! You added that yourself.

POSTMASTER. How could I?

POSTMASTER. How am I supposed to?

ARTEMY. Go on reading.

Keep reading.

LUKA. Go on reading.

LUKA. Continue reading.

POSTMASTER [continuing to read]. "The Governor is as stupid as an old horse—"

POSTMASTER [continuing to read]. "The Governor is as dumb as an old horse—"

GOVERNOR. Oh, the devil! He's got to read it again. As if it weren't there anyway.

GOVERNOR. Oh, come on! He has to read it again. Like it wasn't obvious already.

POSTMASTER [continuing to read]. H'm, h'm—"an old horse. The Postmaster is a good man, too." [Stops reading.] Well, here he's saying something improper about me, too.

POSTMASTER [continuing to read]. H'm, h'm—"an old horse. The Postmaster is a good man, too." [Stops reading.] Well, here he's saying something inappropriate about me, too.

GOVERNOR. Go on—read the rest.

GOVERNOR. Go ahead—finish reading.

POSTMASTER. What for?

POSTMASTER. Why?

GOVERNOR. The deuce take it! Once we have begun to read it, we must read it all.

GOVERNOR. Damn it! Once we start reading it, we have to read the whole thing.

ARTEMY. If you will allow me, I will read it. [Puts on his eye-glasses and reads.] "The Postmaster is just like the porter Mikheyev in our office, and the scoundrel must drink just as hard."

ARTEMY. If you don't mind, I’ll read it. [Puts on his glasses and reads.] "The Postmaster is just like the porter Mikheyev in our office, and that jerk must drink just as much."

POSTMASTER [to the audience]. A bad boy! He ought to be given a licking. That's all.

POSTMASTER [to the audience]. A naughty kid! He should get a spanking. That's it.

ARTEMY [continues to read]. "The Superintendent of Char-i-i—" [Stammers.]

KOROBKIN. Why did you stop?

KOROBKIN. Why'd you stop?

ARTEMY. The handwriting isn't clear. Besides, it's evident that he's a blackguard.

ARTEMY. The handwriting is hard to read. Plus, it's obvious that he's a jerk.

KOROBKIN. Give it to me. I believe my eyesight is better.

KOROBKIN. Hand it over. I think my vision is better.

ARTEMY [refusing to give up the letter]. No. This part can be omitted. After that it's legible.

ARTEMY [refusing to give up the letter]. No. This part can be left out. After that, it’s clear.

KOROBKIN. Let me have it please. I'll see for myself.

KOROBKIN. Please give it to me. I'll check it out myself.

ARTEMY. I can read it myself. I tell you that after this part it's all legible.

ARTEMY. I can read it myself. I'm telling you that after this part, it's all clear.

POSTMASTER. No, read it all. Everything so far could be read.

POSTMASTER. No, read the whole thing. Everything up to this point can be read.

ALL. Give him the letter, Artemy Filippovich, give it to him. [To Korobkin.] You read it.

ALL. Hand him the letter, Artemy Filippovich, just give it to him. [To Korobkin.] You read it.

ARTEMY. Very well. [Gives up the letter.] Here it is. [Covers a part of it with his finger.] Read from here on. [All press him.]

ARTEMY. Alright. [Hands over the letter.] Here it is. [Covers part of it with his finger.] Start reading from here. [Everyone urges him.]

POSTMASTER. Read it all, nonsense, read it all.

POSTMASTER. Just read everything, nonsense, just read everything.

KOROBKIN [reading]. "The Superintendent of Charities, Zemlianika, is a regular pig in a cap."

KOROBKIN [reading]. "The Superintendent of Charities, Zemlianika, is just a real pig in a cap."

ARTEMY [to the audience]. Not a bit witty. A pig in a cap! Have you ever seen a pig wear a cap?

ARTEMY [to the audience]. Not at all funny. A pig in a hat! Have you ever seen a pig wear a hat?

KOROBKIN [continues reading]. "The School Inspector reeks of onions."

KOROBKIN [continues reading]. "The School Inspector smells like onions."

LUKA [to the audience]. Upon my word, I never put an onion to my mouth.

LUKA [to the audience]. Honestly, I’ve never eaten an onion.

AMMOS [aside]. Thank God, there's nothing about me in it.

AMMOS [aside]. Thank goodness, there's nothing about me in it.

KOROBKIN [continues reading]. "The Judge—"

AMMOS. There! [Aloud.] Ladies and gentlemen, I think the letter is far too long. To the devil with it! Why should we go on reading such trash?

AMMOS. There! [Aloud.] Ladies and gentlemen, I believe the letter is way too long. Forget it! Why should we keep reading this nonsense?

LUKA. No.

LUKA. Nah.

POSTMASTER. No, go on.

POSTMASTER. No, continue.

ARTEMY. Go on reading.

Keep reading.

KOROBKIN. "The Judge, Liapkin-Tiapkin, is extremely mauvais ton." [He stops.] That must be a French word.

KOROBKIN. "The Judge, Liapkin-Tiapkin, is really bad form." [He stops.] That must be a French word.

AMMOS. The devil knows what it means. It wouldn't be so bad if all it means is "cheat." But it may mean something worse.

AMMOS. The devil knows what it means. It wouldn't be so bad if all it means is "cheat." But it might mean something worse.

KOROBKIN [continues reading]. "However, the people are hospitable and kindhearted. Farewell, my dear Triapichkin. I want to follow your example and take up literature. It's tiresome to live this way, old boy. One wants food for the mind, after all. I see I must engage in something lofty. Address me: Village of Podkatilovka in the Government of Saratov." [Turns the letter and reads the address.] "Mr. Ivan Vasilyevich Triapichkin, St. Petersburg, Pochtamtskaya Street, House Number 97, Courtyard, third floor, right."

KOROBKIN [continues reading]. "But the people are friendly and warm-hearted. Goodbye, my dear Triapichkin. I want to follow your lead and get into literature. Living this way is exhausting, my friend. One does crave nourishment for the mind, after all. I realize I need to be involved in something meaningful. Address me: Village of Podkatilovka in the Saratov Region." [Turns the letter and reads the address.] "Mr. Ivan Vasilyevich Triapichkin, St. Petersburg, Pochtamtskaya Street, House Number 97, Courtyard, third floor, right."

A LADY. What an unexpected rebuke!

A LADY. What a surprising criticism!

GOVERNOR. He has cut my throat and cut it for good. I'm done for, completely done for. I see nothing. All I see are pigs' snouts instead of faces, and nothing more. Catch him, catch him! [Waves his hand.]

GOVERNOR. He’s done me in, and there’s no coming back from it. I’m finished, completely finished. I can’t see anything. All I see are pigs' snouts instead of faces, nothing more. Get him, get him! [Waves his hand.]

POSTMASTER. Catch him! How? As if on purpose, I told the overseer to give him the best coach and three. The devil prompted me to give the order.

POSTMASTER. Catch him! How? I told the overseer to give him the best coach and three, almost like I did it on purpose. The devil made me give that order.

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Here's a pretty mess.

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Here's a real mess.

AMMOS. Confound it, he borrowed three hundred rubles from me.

AMMOS. Damn it, he borrowed three hundred rubles from me.

ARTEMY. He borrowed three hundred from me, too.

ARTEMY. He borrowed three hundred bucks from me, too.

POSTMASTER [sighing]. And from me, too.

POSTMASTER [sighing]. And from me as well.

BOBCHINSKY. And sixty-five from me and Piotr Ivanovich.

AMMOS [throwing up his hands in perplexity]. How's that, gentlemen? Really, how could we have been so off our guard?

AMMOS [throwing up his hands in confusion]. What’s going on, guys? Seriously, how could we have let our guard down like that?

GOVERNOR [beating his forehead]. How could I, how could I, old fool? I've grown childish, stupid mule. I have been in the service thirty years. Not one merchant, not one contractor has been able to impose on me. I have over-reached one swindler after another. I have caught crooks and sharpers that were ready to rob the whole world. I have fooled three governor-generals. As for governor-generals, [with a wave of his hand] it is not even worth talking about them.

GOVERNOR [rubbing his forehead]. How could I, how could I, old fool? I've become childish, stupid mule. I've been in this job for thirty years. Not a single merchant, not a single contractor has ever managed to put one over on me. I've outsmarted one con artist after another. I've caught crooks and schemers who were ready to steal from anyone. I've outwitted three governors-general. And as for governors-general, [waving his hand] they're not even worth discussing.

ANNA. But how is it possible, Antosha? He's engaged to Mashenka.

ANNA. But how is that even possible, Antosha? He's engaged to Mashenka.

GOVERNOR [in a rage]. Engaged! Rats! Fiddlesticks! So much for your engagement! Thrusts her engagement at me now! [In a frenzy.] Here, look at me! Look at me, the whole world, the whole of Christendom. See what a fool the governor was made of. Out upon him, the fool, the old scoundrel! [Shakes his fist at himself.] Oh, you fat-nose! To take an icicle, a rag for a personage of rank! Now his coach bells are jingling all along the road. He is publishing the story to the whole world. Not only will you be made a laughing-stock of, but some scribbler, some ink-splasher will put you into a comedy. There's the horrid sting. He won't spare either rank or station. And everybody will grin and clap his hands. What are you laughing at? You are laughing at yourself, oh you! [Stamps his feet.] I would give it to all those ink-splashers! You scribblers, damned liberals, devil's brood! I would tie you all up in a bundle, I would grind you into meal, and give it to the devil. [Shakes his fist and stamps his heel on the floor. After a brief silence.] I can't come to myself. It's really true, whom the gods want to punish they first make mad. In what did that nincompoop resemble an inspector-general? In nothing, not even half the little finger of an inspector-general. And all of a sudden everybody is going about saying, "Inspector-general, inspector-general." Who was the first to say it? Tell me.

GOVERNOR [furious]. Engaged! Ugh! Nonsense! So much for your engagement! Now you're shoving your engagement in my face! [In a frenzy.] Look at me! Look at me, everyone, all of Christendom. See what a fool the governor has become. Shame on him, the idiot, that old scoundrel! [Shakes his fist at himself.] Oh, you fool! To take an icicle, a nobody, as a person of importance! Now his coach bells are ringing all the way down the road. He’s spreading the story to the whole world. Not only will you be a laughingstock, but some writer, some ink-slinger will turn you into a joke. That's the real sting. He won’t care about rank or title. And everyone will laugh and clap their hands. What are you laughing at? You’re laughing at yourself, you idiot! [Stamps his feet.] I’d have it out with all those ink-slingers! You writers, cursed liberals, spawn of the devil! I would bundle you all up, grind you into powder, and feed you to the devil. [Shakes his fist and stamps his heel on the floor. After a brief silence.] I can’t wrap my head around this. It’s true what they say, that whom the gods want to punish, they first make mad. How on earth did that imbecile resemble an inspector-general? Not at all, not even a hint of it. And suddenly everyone is running around saying, "Inspector-general, inspector-general." Who was the first to say it? Tell me.

ARTEMY [throwing up his hands]. I couldn't tell how it happened if I had to die for it. It is just as if a mist had clouded our brains. The devil has confounded us.

ARTEMY [throwing up his hands]. I couldn't explain how it happened even if my life depended on it. It's like a fog has clouded our minds. The devil has thrown us into chaos.

AMMOS. Who was the first to say it? These two here, this noble pair. [Pointing to Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky.]

AMMOS. Who said it first? These two right here, this noble duo. [Pointing to Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky.]

BOBCHINSKY. So help me God, not I. I didn't even think of it.

BOBCHINSKY. I swear, it wasn't me. I didn't even consider it.

DOBCHINSKY. I didn't say a thing, not a thing.

DOBCHINSKY. I didn’t say anything, not a single thing.

ARTEMY. Of course you did.

ARTEMY. Obviously you did.

LUKA. Certainly. You came running here from the inn like madmen. "He's come, he's come. He doesn't pay." Found a rare bird!

LUKA. Of course. You rushed over here from the inn like crazy. "He's here, he's here. He doesn't pay." What a find!

GOVERNOR. Of course it was you. Town gossips, damned liars!

GOVERNOR. Of course it was you. Town gossips, damn liars!

ARTEMY. The devil take you with your inspector-general and your tattle.

ARTEMY. To hell with you and your inspector-general and your gossip.

GOVERNOR. You run about the city, bother everybody, confounded chatterboxes. You spread gossip, you short-tailed magpies, you!

GOVERNOR. You run around the city, annoy everyone, you annoying chatterboxes. You spread rumors, you gossiping magpies, you!

AMMOS. Damned bunglers!

AMMOS. Damn idiots!

LUKA. Simpletons.

LUKA. Naive people.

ARTEMY. Pot-bellied mushrooms!

ARTEMY. Chubby mushrooms!

All crowd around them.

Everyone crowds around them.

BOBCHINSKY. Upon my word, it wasn't I. It was Piotr Ivanovich.

BOBCHINSKY. Honestly, it wasn't me. It was Piotr Ivanovich.

DOBCHINSKY. No, Piotr Ivanovich, you were the first.

BOBCHINSKY. No, no. You were the first.

LAST SCENE

The same and a Gendarme.

The same and a cop.

GENDARME. An official from St. Petersburg sent by imperial order has arrived, and wants to see you all at once. He is stopping at the inn.

GENDARME. An official from St. Petersburg has arrived by imperial order and wants to see all of you right away. He’s staying at the inn.

All are struck as by a thunderbolt. A cry of amazement bursts from the ladies simultaneously. The whole group suddenly shifts positions and remains standing as if petrified.

Everyone is taken aback, as if hit by a lightning bolt. A gasp of surprise escapes from the ladies all at once. The entire group suddenly shifts their positions and stays standing, frozen in place.

SILENT SCENE

The Governor stands in the center rigid as a post, with outstretched hands and head thrown backward. On his right are his wife and daughter straining toward him. Back of them the Postmaster, turned toward the audience, metamorphosed into a question mark. Next to him, at the edge of the group, three lady guests leaning on each other, with a most satirical expression on their faces directed straight at the Governor's family. To the left of the Governor is Zemlianika, his head to one side as if listening. Behind him is the Judge with outspread hands almost crouching on the ground and pursing his lips as if to whistle or say: "A nice pickle we're in!" Next to him is Korobkin, turned toward the audience, with eyes screwed up and making a venomous gesture at the Governor. Next to him, at the edge of the group, are Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky, gesticulating at each other, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. The other guests remain standing stiff. The whole group retain the same position of rigidity for almost a minute and a half. The curtain falls.

The Governor stands in the center, stiff as a board, with his arms outstretched and his head thrown back. To his right are his wife and daughter, leaning toward him. Behind them, the Postmaster is facing the audience, looking completely confused. Next to him, at the edge of the group, are three female guests leaning on each other, sporting the most sarcastic expressions aimed directly at the Governor's family. To the left of the Governor is Zemlianika, tilting his head as if he's listening in. Behind him is the Judge, hands raised almost like he's crouching down, lips pursed as if to whistle or say, "What a mess we’re in!" Next to him is Korobkin, turned toward the audience, squinting and making an angry gesture at the Governor. Next to him, at the edge of the group, are Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky, waving their hands at each other, mouths open and eyes wide. The other guests stand stiffly. The whole group maintains this rigid posture for almost a minute and a half. The curtain falls.

THE END

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THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL A comedy in five acts

By Nicolay Gogol

Translated by Thomas Seltzer from the Russian

Contents

INTRODUCTION

CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY

CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES

DIRECTIONS FOR ACTORS

THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL

ACT I

A Room in the Governor's House.

ACT II

ACT III

ACT IV

ACT V

LAST SCENE

SILENT SCENE

THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL

A comedy in five acts