This is a modern-English version of Ruth, originally written by Gaskell, Elizabeth Cleghorn.
It has been thoroughly updated, including changes to sentence structure, words, spelling,
and grammar—to ensure clarity for contemporary readers, while preserving the original spirit and nuance. If
you click on a paragraph, you will see the original text that we modified, and you can toggle between the two versions.
Scroll to the bottom of this page and you will find a free ePUB download link for this book.
E-text prepared by Charles Aldarondo
and revised by Joseph E. Loewenstein, M.D.
HTML version prepared by Joseph E. Loewenstein, M.D.
E-text prepared by Charles Aldarondo
and revised by Joseph E. Loewenstein, M.D.
HTML version prepared by Joseph E. Loewenstein, M.D.
RUTH
by
ELIZABETH GASKELL
First published in book form by Chapman and Hall in 1853
CONTENTS
Drop, drop, slow tears! Drop, drop, slow tears! Phineas Fletcher Phineas Fletcher |
CHAPTER I
The Dressmaker's Apprentice at Work
There is an assize-town in one of the eastern counties which was much distinguished by the Tudor sovereigns, and, in consequence of their favour and protection, attained a degree of importance that surprises the modern traveller.
There is a market town in one of the eastern counties that was highly regarded by the Tudor monarchs, and because of their support and protection, it gained a level of importance that astonishes today's travelers.
A hundred years ago its appearance was that of picturesque grandeur. The old houses, which were the temporary residences of such of the county-families as contented themselves with the gaieties of a provincial town, crowded the streets and gave them the irregular but noble appearance yet to be seen in the cities of Belgium. The sides of the streets had a quaint richness, from the effect of the gables, and the stacks of chimneys which cut against the blue sky above; while, if the eye fell lower down, the attention was arrested by all kinds of projections in the shape of balcony and oriel; and it was amusing to see the infinite variety of windows that had been crammed into the walls long before Mr Pitt's days of taxation. The streets below suffered from all these projections and advanced stories above; they were dark, and ill-paved with large, round, jolting pebbles, and with no side-path protected by kerb-stones; there were no lamp-posts for long winter nights; and no regard was paid to the wants of the middle class, who neither drove about in coaches of their own, nor were carried by their own men in their own sedans into the very halls of their friends. The professional men and their wives, the shopkeepers and their spouses, and all such people, walked about at considerable peril both night and day. The broad unwieldy carriages hemmed them up against the houses in the narrow streets. The inhospitable houses projected their flights of steps almost into the carriage-way, forcing pedestrians again into the danger they had avoided for twenty or thirty paces. Then, at night, the only light was derived from the glaring, flaring oil-lamps hung above the doors of the more aristocratic mansions; just allowing space for the passers-by to become visible, before they again disappeared into the darkness, where it was no uncommon thing for robbers to be in waiting for their prey.
A hundred years ago, it looked truly grand. The old houses, which served as temporary homes for the county families who enjoyed the festivities of a provincial town, lined the streets and gave them that charming but impressive look still seen in Belgium's cities today. The sides of the streets had a unique richness, thanks to the gables and chimney stacks silhouetted against the blue sky above. If you looked lower, your attention was caught by various projections like balconies and oriel windows, and it was amusing to see the countless types of windows that were crammed into the walls long before Mr. Pitt's taxation days. The streets beneath suffered from all these projections and extra stories above; they were dark, poorly paved with large, round, bumpy pebbles, and had no side paths protected by curb stones. There were no lampposts for the long winter nights, and there was little consideration for the needs of the middle class, who didn’t ride in their own carriages or get carried in their own sedan chairs right to their friends' doors. Professional people and their wives, shopkeepers and their partners, and others like them walked around at great risk both day and night. The wide, cumbersome carriages forced them against the houses in the narrow streets. The unwelcoming houses extended their steps almost into the roadway, pushing pedestrians back into the danger they had just avoided for twenty or thirty paces. At night, the only light came from the glaring oil lamps hanging above the doors of the more aristocratic mansions, just enough to let passersby be seen before they faded back into the darkness, where robbers often lay in wait for their next victim.
The traditions of those bygone times, even to the smallest social particular, enable one to understand more clearly the circumstances which contributed to the formation of character. The daily life into which people are born, and into which they are absorbed before they are well aware, forms chains which only one in a hundred has moral strength enough to despise, and to break when the right time comes—when an inward necessity for independent individual action arises, which is superior to all outward conventionalities. Therefore it is well to know what were the chains of daily domestic habit which were the natural leading-strings of our forefathers before they learnt to go alone.
The traditions of those past times, even in the smallest social details, help us better understand the circumstances that shaped character. The everyday life people are born into and quickly absorb creates bonds that only one in a hundred has the moral strength to ignore and break when the time is right—when an inner drive for independent action emerges, which outweighs all external conventions. Therefore, it’s important to understand the daily habits that acted as the guiding supports for our ancestors before they learned to navigate on their own.
The picturesqueness of those ancient streets has departed now. The Astleys, the Dunstans, the Waverhams—names of power in that district—go up duly to London in the season, and have sold their residences in the county-town fifty years ago, or more. And when the county-town lost its attraction for the Astleys, the Dunstans, the Waverhams, how could it be supposed that the Domvilles, the Bextons, and the Wildes would continue to go and winter there in their second-rate houses, and with their increased expenditure? So the grand old houses stood empty awhile; and then speculators ventured to purchase, and to turn the deserted mansions into many smaller dwellings, fitted for professional men, or even (bend your ear lower, lest the shade of Marmaduke, first Baron Waverham, hear) into shops!
The charm of those old streets is gone now. The Astleys, the Dunstans, the Waverhams—names that once held power in that area—have all headed to London for the season and sold their homes in the county town over fifty years ago. Once the county town lost its appeal for the Astleys, the Dunstans, and the Waverhams, it was hard to believe that the Domvilles, the Bextons, and the Wildes would still spend their winters in their second-rate homes and with their rising costs. So, the grand old houses stood empty for a while; then speculators came in to buy them and turned the abandoned mansions into smaller residences for professionals, or even (lean in closer, so the spirit of Marmaduke, the first Baron Waverham, doesn’t hear) into shops!
Even that was not so very bad, compared with the next innovation on the old glories. The shopkeepers found out that the once fashionable street was dark, and that the dingy light did not show off their goods to advantage; the surgeon could not see to draw his patient's teeth; the lawyer had to ring for candles an hour earlier than he was accustomed to do when living in a more plebeian street. In short, by mutual consent, the whole front of one side of the street was pulled down, and rebuilt in the flat, mean, unrelieved style of George the Third. The body of the houses was too solidly grand to submit to alteration; so people were occasionally surprised, after passing through a commonplace-looking shop, to find themselves at the foot of a grand carved oaken staircase, lighted by a window of stained glass, storied all over with armorial bearings.
Even that wasn’t so bad compared to the next change to the old glories. The shopkeepers realized that the once trendy street was dark, and the dim lighting didn’t show off their products well; the surgeon couldn’t see to pull his patient’s teeth; the lawyer had to request candles an hour earlier than he was used to when living on a more ordinary street. In short, by mutual agreement, the entire front of one side of the street was torn down and rebuilt in the flat, basic style of George the Third. The structure of the houses was too solidly grand to be changed; so people would sometimes be surprised, after walking through a plain-looking shop, to find themselves at the base of an impressive carved oak staircase, illuminated by a stained glass window decorated with heraldic symbols.
Up such a stair—past such a window (through which the moonlight fell on her with a glory of many colours)—Ruth Hilton passed wearily one January night, now many years ago. I call it night; but, strictly speaking, it was morning. Two o'clock in the morning chimed forth the old bells of St Saviour's. And yet more than a dozen girls still sat in the room into which Ruth entered, stitching away as if for very life, not daring to gape, or show any outward manifestation of sleepiness. They only sighed a little when Ruth told Mrs Mason the hour of the night, as the result of her errand; for they knew that, stay up as late as they might, the work-hours of the next day must begin at eight, and their young limbs were very weary.
Up such a stair—past such a window (where the moonlight shone on her in a burst of colors)—Ruth Hilton wearily passed one January night, many years ago. I call it night; but technically, it was morning. The old bells of St Saviour's chimed two o'clock in the morning. And yet more than a dozen girls were still in the room Ruth entered, stitching away as if their lives depended on it, not daring to yawn or show any signs of tiredness. They only sighed a little when Ruth told Mrs. Mason the time, because they knew that no matter how late they stayed up, they had to start working the next day at eight, and their young bodies were very tired.
Mrs Mason worked away as hard as any of them; but she was older and tougher; and, besides, the gains were hers. But even she perceived that some rest was needed. "Young ladies! there will be an interval allowed of half an hour. Ring the bell, Miss Sutton. Martha shall bring you up some bread and cheese and beer. You will be so good as to eat it standing—away from the dresses—and to have your hands washed ready for work when I return. In half an hour," said she once more, very distinctly; and then she left the room.
Mrs. Mason put in just as much effort as anyone else, but she was older and tougher, plus the benefits were hers. Even she recognized that a break was necessary. "Ladies, you'll have a half-hour break. Ring the bell, Miss Sutton. Martha will come up with some bread, cheese, and beer. Please eat while standing—away from the dresses—and make sure your hands are washed and ready for work when I get back. In half an hour," she said again, very clearly, and then she left the room.
It was curious to watch the young girls as they instantaneously availed themselves of Mrs Mason's absence. One fat, particularly heavy-looking damsel laid her head on her folded arms and was asleep in a moment; refusing to be wakened for her share in the frugal supper, but springing up with a frightened look at the sound of Mrs Mason's returning footstep, even while it was still far off on the echoing stairs. Two or three others huddled over the scanty fireplace, which, with every possible economy of space, and no attempt whatever at anything of grace or ornament, was inserted in the slight, flat-looking wall, that had been run up by the present owner of the property to portion off this division of the grand old drawing-room of the mansion. Some employed the time in eating their bread and cheese, with as measured and incessant a motion of the jaws (and almost as stupidly placid an expression of countenance), as you may see in cows ruminating in the first meadow you happen to pass.
It was interesting to watch the young girls as they quickly took advantage of Mrs. Mason's absence. One chubby girl, looking particularly heavy, rested her head on her folded arms and fell asleep in an instant, refusing to wake up for her share of the simple supper. She sprang up with a frightened look when she heard Mrs. Mason's footsteps returning, even though they were still far off on the echoing stairs. Two or three others crowded around the meager fireplace, which was squished into the flat-looking wall with zero effort at decoration or elegance. This wall had been put up by the current owner to divide this section of the grand old drawing room of the mansion. Some passed the time eating their bread and cheese, moving their jaws in a steady rhythm and almost as blankly expressionless as cows chewing their cud in the nearest meadow.
Some held up admiringly the beautiful ball-dress in progress, while others examined the effect, backing from the object to be criticised in the true artistic manner. Others stretched themselves into all sorts of postures to relieve the weary muscles; one or two gave vent to all the yawns, coughs, and sneezes that had been pent up so long in the presence of Mrs Mason. But Ruth Hilton sprang to the large old window, and pressed against it as a bird presses against the bars of its cage. She put back the blind, and gazed into the quiet moonlight night. It was doubly light—almost as much so as day—for everything was covered with the deep snow which had been falling silently ever since the evening before. The window was in a square recess; the old strange little panes of glass had been replaced by those which gave more light. A little distance off, the feathery branches of a larch waved softly to and fro in the scarcely perceptible night-breeze. Poor old larch! the time had been when it had stood in a pleasant lawn, with the tender grass creeping caressingly up to its very trunk; but now the lawn was divided into yards and squalid back premises, and the larch was pent up and girded about with flag-stones. The snow lay thick on its boughs, and now and then fell noiselessly down. The old stables had been added to, and altered into a dismal street of mean-looking houses, back to back with the ancient mansions. And over all these changes from grandeur to squalor, bent down the purple heavens with their unchanging splendour!
Some admired the beautiful ball gown being made, while others checked the effect, moving back from what they were critiquing in a true artistic fashion. Some stretched into various positions to ease their tired muscles; a couple of them finally let out the yawns, coughs, and sneezes they had been holding back in the presence of Mrs. Mason. But Ruth Hilton rushed to the large old window and pressed against it like a bird against the bars of its cage. She pulled back the blind and stared into the quiet, moonlit night. It was exceptionally bright—almost as bright as day—since everything was covered in the deep snow that had been falling silently since the evening before. The window was set in a square recess; the old, quirky little panes of glass had been replaced with ones that let in more light. A little way off, the feathery branches of a larch tree swayed gently in the barely noticeable night breeze. Poor old larch! There was a time when it stood in a lovely lawn, with soft grass reaching up to its trunk; but now the lawn was turned into yards and shabby back lots, and the larch was trapped and surrounded by flagstones. The snow lay thick on its branches, and every now and then, it fell silently to the ground. The old stables had been expanded and transformed into a dreary street of shabby houses, crammed next to the ancient mansions. And over all these changes from grandeur to decay loomed the purple sky with its unchanging brilliance!
Ruth pressed her hot forehead against the cold glass, and strained her aching eyes in gazing out on the lovely sky of a winter's night. The impulse was strong upon her to snatch up a shawl, and wrapping it round her head, to sally forth and enjoy the glory; and time was when that impulse would have been instantly followed; but now, Ruth's eyes filled with tears, and she stood quite still, dreaming of the days that were gone. Some one touched her shoulder while her thoughts were far away, remembering past January nights, which had resembled this, and were yet so different.
Ruth pressed her hot forehead against the cold glass and strained her aching eyes to gaze out at the beautiful winter night sky. She felt a strong urge to grab a shawl, wrap it around her head, and step outside to enjoy the beauty; there was a time when she would have acted on that impulse right away. But now, Ruth's eyes filled with tears as she stood still, lost in thought about the days that had passed. Someone touched her shoulder while her mind wandered back to previous January nights that were similar to this one, yet so different.
"Ruth, love," whispered a girl who had unwillingly distinguished herself by a long hard fit of coughing, "come and have some supper. You don't know yet how it helps one through the night."
"Ruth, sweetheart," whispered a girl who had reluctantly made herself known by a long, tough coughing fit, "come and have some supper. You don't realize yet how much it helps get you through the night."
"One run—one blow of the fresh air would do me more good," said Ruth.
"One run—just one breath of fresh air would help me a lot," said Ruth.
"Not such a night as this," replied the other, shivering at the very thought.
"Not a night like this," replied the other, shivering at the very thought.
"And why not such a night as this, Jenny?" answered Ruth. "Oh! at home I have many a time run up the lane all the way to the mill, just to see the icicles hang on the great wheel; and when I was once out, I could hardly find in my heart to come in, even to mother, sitting by the fire;—even to mother," she added, in a low, melancholy tone, which had something of inexpressible sadness in it. "Why, Jenny!" said she, rousing herself, but not before her eyes were swimming with tears, "own, now, that you never saw those dismal, hateful, tumble-down old houses there look half so—what shall I call them? almost beautiful—as they do now, with that soft, pure, exquisite covering; and if they are so improved, think of what trees, and grass, and ivy must be on such a night as this."
"And why not a night like this, Jenny?" Ruth replied. "Oh, I’ve often sprinted up the lane to the mill just to see the icicles hanging on the big wheel; and once I was out, I could hardly bring myself to go back in, even to my mother sitting by the fire;—even to my mother," she added in a soft, sad tone that carried an indescribable sorrow. "Why, Jenny!" she said, shaking herself out of it, though not before her eyes filled with tears, "admit it, you’ve never seen those gloomy, rundown old houses look half as—what should I say? almost beautiful—as they do now, with that soft, pure, exquisite covering; and if they look so much better, just think of how the trees, grass, and ivy must look on a night like this."
Jenny could not be persuaded into admiring the winter's night, which to her came only as a cold and dismal time, when her cough was more troublesome, and the pain in her side worse than usual. But she put her arm round Ruth's neck, and stood by her, glad that the orphan apprentice, who was not yet inured to the hardship of a dressmaker's workroom, should find so much to give her pleasure in such a common occurrence as a frosty night.
Jenny couldn’t be convinced to appreciate the winter night, which, to her, felt only cold and gloomy, making her cough worse and the pain in her side more intense than usual. But she wrapped her arm around Ruth’s neck and stood by her, happy that the orphan apprentice, who hadn’t yet gotten used to the tough life of a dressmaker’s workshop, could find so much joy in something as ordinary as a frosty night.
They remained deep in separate trains of thought till Mrs Mason's step was heard, when each returned, supperless but refreshed, to her seat.
They stayed lost in their own thoughts until they heard Mrs. Mason's footsteps, at which point each of them returned to their seat, hungry but feeling rejuvenated.
Ruth's place was the coldest and the darkest in the room, although she liked it the best; she had instinctively chosen it for the sake of the wall opposite to her, on which was a remnant of the beauty of the old drawing-room, which must once have been magnificent, to judge from the faded specimen left. It was divided into panels of pale sea-green, picked out with white and gold; and on these panels were painted—were thrown with the careless, triumphant hand of a master—the most lovely wreaths of flowers, profuse and luxuriant beyond description, and so real-looking, that you could almost fancy you smelt their fragrance, and heard the south wind go softly rustling in and out among the crimson roses—the branches of purple and white lilac—the floating golden-tressed laburnum boughs. Besides these, there were stately white lilies, sacred to the Virgin—hollyhocks, fraxinella, monk's-hood, pansies, primroses; every flower which blooms profusely in charming old-fashioned country gardens was there, depicted among its graceful foliage, but not in the wild disorder in which I have enumerated them. At the bottom of the panel lay a holly-branch, whose stiff straightness was ornamented by a twining drapery of English ivy and mistletoe and winter aconite; while down either side hung pendant garlands of spring and autumn flowers; and, crowning all, came gorgeous summer with the sweet musk-roses, and the rich-coloured flowers of June and July.
Ruth's spot was the coldest and darkest in the room, but it was her favorite; she instinctively chose it because of the wall across from her, which still showed a trace of the beauty of the old drawing-room that must have once been stunning, judging by the faded sample left behind. It was divided into panels of pale sea-green, accented with white and gold; and on these panels were painted—elegantly created by a master’s skilled hand—the most beautiful wreaths of flowers, lush and abundant beyond words, so realistic that you could almost imagine smelling their fragrance and hearing the gentle south wind rustling through the crimson roses, the branches of purple and white lilac, and the flowing golden-tressed laburnum boughs. In addition to these, there were stately white lilies dedicated to the Virgin, hollyhocks, fraxinella, monk's-hood, pansies, and primroses; every flower that thrives in charming old-fashioned country gardens was depicted among the graceful foliage, but not in the wild jumble in which I’ve listed them. At the bottom of the panel was a holly branch, whose rigid straightness was adorned with a draping of English ivy, mistletoe, and winter aconite; while cascading down either side were garlands of spring and autumn flowers; and crowning it all was the vibrant summer with sweet musk-roses and the richly colored flowers of June and July.
Surely Monnoyer, or whoever the dead and gone artist might be, would have been gratified to know the pleasure his handiwork, even in its wane, had power to give to the heavy heart of a young girl; for they conjured up visions of other sister-flowers that grew, and blossomed, and withered away in her early home.
Surely Monnoyer, or whoever the long-gone artist was, would have been pleased to know the joy his work, even in its decline, brought to the heavy heart of a young girl; for it evoked memories of other similar flowers that grew, bloomed, and faded away in her childhood home.
Mrs Mason was particularly desirous that her workwomen should exert themselves to-night, for, on the next, the annual hunt-ball was to take place. It was the one gaiety of the town since the assize-balls had been discontinued. Many were the dresses she had promised should be sent home "without fail" the next morning; she had not let one slip through her fingers, for fear, if it did, it might fall into the hands of the rival dressmaker, who had just established herself in the very same street.
Mrs. Mason was particularly eager for her seamstresses to work hard tonight because the annual hunt ball was happening the next evening. It was the only enjoyable event in town since the assize balls had stopped. She had promised to deliver many dresses "without fail" the next morning; she didn't let a single one go by, worried that if it did, it might end up with the rival dressmaker who had just opened shop on the same street.
She determined to administer a gentle stimulant to the flagging spirits, and with a little preliminary cough to attract attention, she began:
She decided to give a gentle boost to the low spirits, and with a slight cough to get everyone's attention, she started:
"I may as well inform you, young ladies, that I have been requested this year, as on previous occasions, to allow some of my young people to attend in the ante-chamber of the assembly-room with sandal ribbon, pins, and such little matters, and to be ready to repair any accidental injury to the ladies' dresses. I shall send four—of the most diligent." She laid a marked emphasis on the last words, but without much effect; they were too sleepy to care for any of the pomps and vanities, or, indeed, for any of the comforts of this world, excepting one sole thing—their beds.
"I might as well let you know, young ladies, that I've been asked this year, just like in the past, to let some of my young people hang out in the ante-chamber of the assembly room with sandal ribbons, pins, and those kind of things, and to be ready to fix any accidental damage to the ladies' dresses. I’ll send four of the most hardworking ones." She put a strong emphasis on the last words, but it didn’t have much effect; they were too drowsy to care about any of the luxuries or even the comforts of this world, except for one thing—their beds.
Mrs Mason was a very worthy woman, but, like many other worthy women, she had her foibles; and one (very natural to her calling) was to pay an extreme regard to appearances. Accordingly, she had already selected in her own mind the four girls who were most likely to do credit to the "establishment;" and these were secretly determined upon, although it was very well to promise the reward to the most diligent. She was really not aware of the falseness of this conduct; being an adept in that species of sophistry with which people persuade themselves that what they wish to do is right.
Mrs. Mason was a very respectable woman, but like many other respectable women, she had her quirks; one (very common in her profession) was her strong focus on appearances. As a result, she had already picked in her mind the four girls most likely to bring honor to the "establishment," and these choices were made in secret, even though it was nice to promise the reward to the most hardworking. She genuinely didn’t recognize the dishonesty in this behavior, as she was skilled in that kind of reasoning people use to convince themselves that what they want to do is correct.
At last there was no resisting the evidence of weariness. They were told to go to bed; but even that welcome command was languidly obeyed. Slowly they folded up their work, heavily they moved about, until at length all was put away, and they trooped up the wide, dark staircase.
At last, there was no ignoring the signs of tiredness. They were told to go to bed; even that welcome order was followed weakly. Slowly, they put away their work, moving sluggishly until everything was stored away, and then they made their way up the wide, dark staircase.
"Oh! how shall I get through five years of these terrible nights! in that close room! and in that oppressive stillness! which lets every sound of the thread be heard as it goes eternally backwards and forwards," sobbed out Ruth, as she threw herself on her bed, without even undressing herself.
"Oh! how will I survive five years of these awful nights! in that stuffy room! and in that heavy silence! which makes every sound of the thread echo as it goes back and forth endlessly," Ruth cried, throwing herself onto her bed without even taking off her clothes.
"Nay, Ruth, you know it won't be always as it has been to-night. We often get to bed by ten o'clock; and by-and-by you won't mind the closeness of the room. You're worn out to-night, or you would not have minded the sound of the needle; I never hear it. Come, let me unfasten you," said Jenny.
"Nah, Ruth, you know it won't always be like it is tonight. We usually get to bed by ten o'clock, and soon you won't even notice how small the room is. You're just tired tonight, or you wouldn't be bothered by the sound of the needle; I never hear it. Come on, let me help you with that," said Jenny.
"What is the use of undressing? We must be up again and at work in three hours."
"What’s the point of getting undressed? We’ve got to be up and working again in three hours."
"And in those three hours you may get a great deal of rest, if you will but undress yourself and fairly go to bed. Come, love."
"And in those three hours, you can get a lot of rest if you just take off your clothes and get into bed. Come on, love."
Jenny's advice was not resisted; but before Ruth went to sleep, she said:
Jenny's advice was accepted without question; but before Ruth went to bed, she said:
"Oh! I wish I was not so cross and impatient. I don't think I used to be."
"Oh! I wish I weren't so grumpy and impatient. I don't think I used to be."
"No, I am sure not. Most new girls get impatient at first; but it goes off, and they don't care much for anything after awhile. Poor child! she's asleep already," said Jenny to herself.
"No, I'm really not. Most new girls get impatient at first, but they get over it, and after a while, they don't care much about anything. Poor thing! She's already asleep," Jenny said to herself.
She could not sleep or rest. The tightness at her side was worse than usual. She almost thought she ought to mention it in her letters home; but then she remembered the premium her father had struggled hard to pay, and the large family, younger than herself, that had to be cared for, and she determined to bear on, and trust that when the warm weather came both the pain and the cough would go away. She would be prudent about herself.
She couldn’t sleep or relax. The tightness in her side was worse than usual. She almost considered mentioning it in her letters home, but then she thought about the premium her father had worked so hard to pay and the younger siblings who needed care. She decided to push through and trust that when the warm weather arrived, both the pain and the cough would fade away. She would take care of herself.
What was the matter with Ruth? She was crying in her sleep as if her heart would break. Such agitated slumber could be no rest; so Jenny wakened her.
What was wrong with Ruth? She was crying in her sleep like her heart was about to shatter. Such restless sleep couldn’t be called rest, so Jenny woke her up.
"Ruth! Ruth!"
"Ruth! Ruth!"
"Oh, Jenny!" said Ruth, sitting up in bed, and pushing back the masses of hair that were heating her forehead, "I thought I saw mamma by the side of the bed, coming, as she used to do, to see if I were asleep and comfortable; and when I tried to take hold of her, she went away and left me alone—I don't know where; so strange!"
"Oh, Jenny!" said Ruth, sitting up in bed and pushing back the thick hair that was sticking to her forehead. "I thought I saw Mom by the side of the bed, coming like she used to, to check if I was sleeping and comfy; and when I tried to grab her, she just vanished and left me all alone—I have no idea where; it's so weird!"
"It was only a dream; you know you'd been talking about her to me, and you're feverish with sitting up late. Go to sleep again, and I'll watch, and waken you if you seem uneasy."
"It was just a dream; you know you’ve been talking about her to me, and you’re restless from staying up late. Get some sleep again, and I’ll keep an eye on you and wake you up if you look worried."
"But you'll be so tired. Oh, dear! dear!" Ruth was asleep again, even while she sighed.
"But you’ll be so tired. Oh, dear! dear!" Ruth was asleep again, even while she sighed.
Morning came, and though their rest had been short, the girls arose refreshed.
Morning arrived, and even though they hadn't slept long, the girls got up feeling refreshed.
"Miss Sutton, Miss Jennings, Miss Booth, and Miss Hilton, you will see that you are ready to accompany me to the shire-hall by eight o'clock."
"Miss Sutton, Miss Jennings, Miss Booth, and Miss Hilton, you’ll see that you’re ready to go with me to the county hall by eight o'clock."
One or two of the girls looked astonished, but the majority, having anticipated the selection, and knowing from experience the unexpressed rule by which it was made, received it with the sullen indifference which had become their feeling with regard to most events—a deadened sense of life, consequent upon their unnatural mode of existence, their sedentary days, and their frequent nights of late watching.
One or two of the girls looked shocked, but most of them, having expected the choice and knowing from experience the unspoken rule behind it, reacted with the gloomy indifference that had come to define their feelings about most things—a numbness to life resulting from their unnatural way of living, their inactive days, and their many nights of late sleeplessness.
But to Ruth it was inexplicable. She had yawned, and loitered, and looked off at the beautiful panel, and lost herself in thoughts of home, until she fully expected the reprimand which at any other time she would have been sure to receive, and now, to her surprise, she was singled out as one of the most diligent!
But to Ruth, it was confusing. She had yawned, wandered around, gazed at the beautiful panel, and gotten lost in thoughts of home, until she was fully expecting the reprimand that she would normally have been sure to get. Now, to her surprise, she was highlighted as one of the most hardworking!
Much as she longed for the delight of seeing the noble shire-hall—the boast of the county—and of catching glimpses of the dancers, and hearing the band; much as she longed for some variety to the dull, monotonous life she was leading, she could not feel happy to accept a privilege, granted, as she believed, in ignorance of the real state of the case; so she startled her companions by rising abruptly and going up to Mrs Mason, who was finishing a dress which ought to have been sent home two hours before:
Much as she craved the joy of seeing the grand county hall—the pride of the region—and catching sight of the dancers and listening to the band; much as she yearned for a break from her dull, repetitive life, she just couldn't feel right accepting a privilege that she believed was given without understanding the true situation. So, she surprised her friends by suddenly standing up and approaching Mrs. Mason, who was finishing a dress that should have been sent home two hours earlier:
"If you please, Mrs Mason, I was not one of the most diligent; I am afraid—I believe—I was not diligent at all. I was very tired; and I could not help thinking, and when I think, I can't attend to my work." She stopped, believing she had sufficiently explained her meaning; but Mrs Mason would not understand, and did not wish for any further elucidation.
"If you don't mind, Mrs. Mason, I wasn't one of the most hard-working; I'm afraid—I think—I wasn't hard-working at all. I was really tired; and I couldn't stop thinking, and when I'm thinking, I can't focus on my work." She paused, thinking she had explained herself well enough; but Mrs. Mason didn’t get it and didn’t want any more clarification.
"Well, my dear, you must learn to think and work too; or, if you can't do both, you must leave off thinking. Your guardian, you know, expects you to make great progress in your business, and I am sure you won't disappoint him."
"Well, my dear, you need to learn to think and work too; or, if you can’t do both, you have to stop thinking. Your guardian, you know, expects you to make a lot of progress in your work, and I’m sure you won’t let him down."
But that was not to the point. Ruth stood still an instant, although Mrs Mason resumed her employment in a manner which any one but a "new girl" would have known to be intelligible enough, that she did not wish for any more conversation just then.
But that wasn't the main issue. Ruth paused for a moment, even though Mrs. Mason continued her work in a way that anyone except a "new girl" would have understood clearly meant she didn't want to chat right now.
"But as I was not diligent I ought not to go, ma'am. Miss Wood was far more industrious than I, and many of the others."
"But since I was not diligent, I shouldn't go, ma'am. Miss Wood was much more hardworking than I was, and so were many of the others."
"Tiresome girl!" muttered Mrs Mason; "I've half a mind to keep her at home for plaguing me so." But, looking up, she was struck afresh with the remarkable beauty which Ruth possessed; such a credit to the house, with her waving outline of figure, her striking face, with dark eyebrows and dark lashes, combined with auburn hair and a fair complexion. No! diligent or idle, Ruth Hilton must appear to-night.
"Tiresome girl!" Mrs. Mason muttered. "I almost want to keep her at home for bothering me so much." But as she looked up, she was struck again by Ruth's remarkable beauty; she was such an asset to the family with her curvy figure, striking face, dark eyebrows and lashes, combined with auburn hair and a fair complexion. No! Whether diligent or idle, Ruth Hilton had to be there tonight.
"Miss Hilton," said Mrs Mason, with stiff dignity, "I am not accustomed (as these young ladies can tell you) to have my decisions questioned. What I say, I mean; and I have my reasons. So sit down, if you please, and take care and be ready by eight. Not a word more," as she fancied she saw Ruth again about to speak.
"Miss Hilton," Mrs. Mason said with a formal air, "I'm not used to having my decisions questioned, as these young ladies can tell you. What I say is final, and I have my reasons. So please sit down and make sure you're ready by eight. Not another word," she added, sensing that Ruth was about to speak again.
"Jenny! you ought to have gone, not me," said Ruth, in no low voice to Miss Wood, as she sat down by her.
"Jenny! You should have gone, not me," Ruth said, in a loud voice, as she sat down beside Miss Wood.
"Hush! Ruth. I could not go if I might, because of my cough. I would rather give it up to you than any one, if it were mine to give. And suppose it is, and take the pleasure as my present, and tell me every bit about it when you come home to-night."
"Hush! Ruth. I couldn't go even if I wanted to, because of my cough. I would rather give it to you than anyone else if it were mine to give. And suppose it is, take the pleasure as my gift, and tell me everything about it when you come home tonight."
"Well! I shall take it in that way, and not as if I'd earned it, which I haven't. So thank you. You can't think how I shall enjoy it now. I did work diligently for five minutes last night, after I heard of it, I wanted to go so much. But I could not keep it up. Oh, dear! and I shall really hear a band! and see the inside of that beautiful shire-hall!"
"Well! I'm going to take it that way, not like I earned it, because I didn't. So, thank you. You can't imagine how much I'm going to enjoy it now. I did work hard for five minutes last night after I found out about it; I really wanted to go. But I couldn't keep it up. Oh, dear! I'm actually going to hear a band! And see the inside of that beautiful county hall!"
CHAPTER II
Ruth Goes to the Shire-Hall
In due time that evening, Mrs Mason collected "her young ladies" for an inspection of their appearance before proceeding to the shire-hall. Her eager, important, hurried manner of summoning them was not unlike that of a hen clucking her chickens together; and to judge from the close investigation they had to undergo, it might have been thought that their part in the evening's performance was to be far more important than that of temporary ladies'-maids.
In due time that evening, Mrs. Mason gathered "her young ladies" to check their appearance before heading to the shire hall. Her eager, important, and hurried way of calling them was similar to a hen clucking her chicks together; and judging by the thorough examination they had to go through, one might think that their role in the evening's event was going to be much more significant than just that of temporary maids.
"Is that your best frock, Miss Hilton?" asked Mrs Mason, in a half-dissatisfied tone, turning Ruth about; for it was only her Sunday black silk, and was somewhat worn and shabby.
"Is that your best dress, Miss Hilton?" asked Mrs. Mason, sounding a bit disappointed, as she turned Ruth around; it was just her Sunday black silk, and it looked a bit worn and shabby.
"Yes, ma'am," answered Ruth, quietly.
"Yes, ma'am," Ruth replied softly.
"Oh! indeed. Then it will do" (still the half-satisfied tone). "Dress, young ladies, you know, is a very secondary consideration. Conduct is everything. Still, Miss Hilton, I think you should write and ask your guardian to send you money for another gown. I am sorry I did not think of it before."
"Oh! Of course. Then it will work" (still with the half-satisfied tone). "Dressing well, young ladies, is really a minor concern. Your behavior is what truly matters. Still, Miss Hilton, I believe you should write and ask your guardian to send you money for another dress. I'm sorry I didn't think of it sooner."
"I do not think he would send any if I wrote," answered Ruth, in a low voice. "He was angry when I wanted a shawl, when the cold weather set in."
"I don’t think he’d send anything if I wrote," Ruth replied quietly. "He got upset when I asked for a shawl when the cold weather started."
Mrs Mason gave her a little push of dismissal, and Ruth fell into the ranks by her friend, Miss Wood.
Mrs. Mason gave her a small push to signal dismissal, and Ruth joined her friend, Miss Wood.
"Never mind, Ruthie; you're prettier than any of them," said a merry, good-natured girl, whose plainness excluded her from any of the envy of rivalry.
"Don't worry about it, Ruthie; you're prettier than all of them," said a cheerful, kind girl, whose plainness spared her from any feelings of jealousy.
"Yes! I know I am pretty," said Ruth, sadly, "but I am sorry I have no better gown, for this is very shabby. I am ashamed of it myself, and I can see Mrs Mason is twice as much ashamed. I wish I need not go. I did not know we should have to think about our own dress at all, or I should not have wished to go."
"Yes! I know I’m pretty," Ruth said sadly, "but I’m sorry I don’t have a better dress, because this one is really worn out. I’m embarrassed by it, and I can tell Mrs. Mason is even more embarrassed. I wish I didn’t have to go. I didn’t realize we’d have to think about our own outfits at all, or I wouldn’t have wanted to go."
"Never mind, Ruth," said Jenny, "you've been looked at now, and Mrs Mason will soon be too busy to think about you and your gown."
"Don't worry about it, Ruth," Jenny said. "You've already been seen, and Mrs. Mason will be busy enough soon that she won't have time to think about you and your dress."
"Did you hear Ruth Hilton say she knew she was pretty?" whispered one girl to another, so loudly that Ruth caught the words.
"Did you hear Ruth Hilton say she knew she was pretty?" whispered one girl to another, so loudly that Ruth caught the words.
"I could not help knowing," answered she, simply, "for many people have told me so."
"I couldn't help knowing," she replied straightforwardly, "because a lot of people have told me that."
At length these preliminaries were over, and they were walking briskly through the frosty air; the free motion was so inspiriting that Ruth almost danced along, and quite forgot all about shabby gowns and grumbling guardians. The shire-hall was even more striking than she had expected. The sides of the staircase were painted with figures that showed ghostly in the dim light, for only their faces looked out of the dark, dingy canvas, with a strange fixed stare of expression.
At last, these preliminaries were done, and they were walking energetically through the cold air; the invigorating movement made Ruth feel like dancing, and she completely forgot about her worn-out clothes and complaining guardians. The shire-hall was even more impressive than she had anticipated. The staircase walls were painted with figures that appeared ghostly in the low light, as only their faces emerged from the dark, shabby canvas, sporting an odd, fixed expression.
The young milliners had to arrange their wares on tables in the ante-room, and make all ready before they could venture to peep into the ball-room, where the musicians were already tuning their instruments, and where one or two char-women (strange contrast! with their dirty, loose attire, and their incessant chatter, to the grand echoes of the vaulted room) were completing the dusting of benches and chairs.
The young hatmakers had to set up their goods on tables in the foyer and get everything ready before they could sneak a look into the ballroom, where the musicians were already tuning their instruments. There, one or two cleaning ladies (a strange contrast with their messy, loose clothing and constant chatter) were finishing up dusting the benches and chairs against the grand backdrop of the high-ceilinged room.
They quitted the place as Ruth and her companions entered. They had talked lightly and merrily in the ante-room, but now their voices were hushed, awed by the old magnificence of the vast apartment. It was so large, that objects showed dim at the further end, as through a mist. Full-length figures of county worthies hung around, in all varieties of costume, from the days of Holbein to the present time. The lofty roof was indistinct, for the lamps were not fully lighted yet; while through the richly-painted Gothic window at one end the moonbeams fell, many-tinted, on the floor, and mocked with their vividness the struggles of the artificial light to illuminate its little sphere.
They left the room just as Ruth and her friends walked in. They had been chatting and laughing in the waiting area, but now their voices were quieted, impressed by the grand beauty of the spacious room. It was so big that objects at the far end seemed blurry, almost like they were in a fog. Full-length portraits of local celebrities lined the walls, showcasing all kinds of costumes from Holbein’s era to the present. The high ceiling was hard to make out since the lamps weren’t fully lit yet; meanwhile, colorful moonlight streamed through the beautifully painted Gothic window at one end, casting bright patterns on the floor and highlighting the struggle of the artificial light to brighten its small area.
High above sounded the musicians, fitfully trying some strain of which they were not certain. Then they stopped playing and talked, and their voices sounded goblin-like in their dark recess, where candles were carried about in an uncertain wavering manner, reminding Ruth of the flickering zigzag motion of the will-o'-the-wisp.
High above, the musicians played intermittently, attempting a tune they weren't quite sure of. Then they stopped and began to talk, their voices sounding eerie in the dark corner, where the candles were moved around unsteadily, reminding Ruth of the flickering, zigzag motion of a will-o'-the-wisp.
Suddenly the room sprang into the full blaze of light, and Ruth felt less impressed with its appearance, and more willing to obey Mrs Mason's sharp summons to her wandering flock, than she had been when it was dim and mysterious. They had presently enough to do in rendering offices of assistance to the ladies who thronged in, and whose voices drowned all the muffled sound of the band Ruth had longed so much to hear. Still, if one pleasure was less, another was greater than she had anticipated.
Suddenly, the room lit up brightly, and Ruth found herself less captivated by how it looked and more eager to respond to Mrs. Mason's urgent call to her wandering group than she had been when it was dim and mysterious. They soon had plenty to do helping the ladies who crowded in, whose voices drowned out all the soft music from the band that Ruth had been looking forward to hearing. Still, while one enjoyment was diminished, another was even greater than she had expected.
"On condition" of such a number of little observances that Ruth thought Mrs Mason would never have ended enumerating them, they were allowed during the dances to stand at a side-door and watch. And what a beautiful sight it was! Floating away to that bounding music—now far away, like garlands of fairies, now near, and showing as lovely women, with every ornament of graceful dress—the elite of the county danced on, little caring whose eyes gazed and were dazzled. Outside all was cold, and colourless, and uniform, one coating of snow over all. But inside it was warm, and glowing, and vivid; flowers scented the air, and wreathed the head, and rested on the bosom, as if it were midsummer. Bright colours flashed on the eye and were gone, and succeeded by others as lovely in the rapid movement of the dance. Smiles dimpled every face, and low tones of happiness murmured indistinctly through the room in every pause of the music.
"On the condition" of so many little rules that Ruth thought Mrs. Mason would never finish listing them, they were allowed to stand at a side door and watch during the dances. And what a beautiful sight it was! Floating away to that lively music—now distant, like fairy garlands, now close, revealing beautiful women adorned in graceful dresses—the county's elite danced on, hardly caring whose eyes watched in awe. Outside, everything was cold, colorless, and uniform, just a blanket of snow covering everything. But inside, it was warm, glowing, and vibrant; flowers filled the air with fragrance, draped over heads, and rested on chests, as if it were midsummer. Bright colors flashed before the eye and disappeared, replaced by others just as lovely in the swift movements of the dance. Smiles graced every face, and soft sounds of happiness murmured indistinctly through the room during every pause in the music.
Ruth did not care to separate the figures that formed a joyous and brilliant whole; it was enough to gaze, and dream of the happy smoothness of the lives in which such music, and such profusion of flowers, of jewels, elegance of every description, and beauty of all shapes and hues, were everyday things. She did not want to know who the people were; although to hear a catalogue of names seemed to be the great delight of most of her companions.
Ruth didn't want to focus on the individual people that made up a joyful and vibrant scene; it was enough for her to just look and dream of the perfect lives where such music, along with an abundance of flowers, jewels, elegance of all kinds, and beauty in various forms and colors, were part of everyday life. She wasn't interested in knowing who the people were, even though most of her friends seemed to find joy in hearing a list of names.
In fact, the enumeration rather disturbed her; and to avoid the shock of too rapid a descent into the commonplace world of Miss Smiths and Mr Thomsons, she returned to her post in the ante-room. There she stood thinking, or dreaming. She was startled back to actual life by a voice close to her. One of the dancing young ladies had met with a misfortune. Her dress, of some gossamer material, had been looped up by nosegays of flowers, and one of these had fallen off in the dance, leaving her gown to trail. To repair this, she had begged her partner to bring her to the room where the assistants should have been. None were there but Ruth.
In fact, the list really upset her; and to avoid the shock of quickly dropping into the ordinary world of Miss Smiths and Mr. Thomsons, she went back to her spot in the waiting area. There she stood, thinking or daydreaming. She was jolted back to reality by a voice near her. One of the young ladies dancing had run into a problem. Her dress, made of a delicate material, had been lifted by small bouquets of flowers, and one of them had fallen off while dancing, causing her gown to drag on the floor. To fix this, she had asked her partner to take her to the room where the helpers should have been. The only person there was Ruth.
"Shall I leave you?" asked the gentleman. "Is my absence necessary?"
"Should I leave you?" the gentleman asked. "Is my being here necessary?"
"Oh, no!" replied the lady. "A few stitches will set all to rights. Besides, I dare not enter that room by myself." So far she spoke sweetly and prettily. But now she addressed Ruth. "Make haste. Don't keep me an hour." And her voice became cold and authoritative.
"Oh, no!" the lady replied. "A few stitches will fix everything. Plus, I can’t go into that room alone." Until then, she spoke sweetly and nicely. But now she turned to Ruth. "Hurry up. Don’t take an hour." Her voice became cold and commanding.
She was very pretty, with long dark ringlets and sparkling black eyes. These had struck Ruth in the hasty glance she had taken, before she knelt down to her task. She also saw that the gentleman was young and elegant.
She was really pretty, with long dark curls and sparkling black eyes. These had caught Ruth's attention in the quick glance she took before kneeling down to her work. She also noticed that the man was young and stylish.
"Oh, that lovely galop! How I long to dance to it! Will it never be done? What a frightful time you are taking; and I'm dying to return in time for this galop!"
"Oh, that beautiful galop! I can't wait to dance to it! Will it ever be finished? You're taking such a long time; I'm so eager to get back in time for this galop!"
By way of showing a pretty, childlike impatience, she began to beat time with her feet to the spirited air the band was playing. Ruth could not darn the rent in her dress with this continual motion, and she looked up to remonstrate. As she threw her head back for this purpose, she caught the eye of the gentleman who was standing by; it was so expressive of amusement at the airs and graces of his pretty partner, that Ruth was infected by the feeling, and had to bend her face down to conceal the smile that mantled there. But not before he had seen it, and not before his attention had been thereby drawn to consider the kneeling figure, that, habited in black up to the throat, with the noble head bent down to the occupation in which she was engaged, formed such a contrast to the flippant, bright, artificial girl who sat to be served with an air as haughty as a queen on her throne.
To show her cute, childlike impatience, she started tapping her feet to the lively music the band was playing. Ruth couldn't fix the tear in her dress with all that movement, so she looked up to say something. As she tilted her head back to do this, she caught the eye of the gentleman nearby; his expression was full of amusement at the playful gestures of his charming partner. Ruth couldn't help but feel the same way and had to lower her face to hide the smile that spread across it. But not before he noticed it, and not before his attention was drawn to the kneeling figure, dressed in black up to her neck, with her noble head bent down to the task at hand, creating a striking contrast to the lively, artificial girl who sat with the poise of a queen on her throne.
"Oh, Mr Bellingham! I'm ashamed to detain you so long. I had no idea any one could have spent so much time over a little tear. No wonder Mrs Mason charges so much for dress-making, if her work-women are so slow."
"Oh, Mr. Bellingham! I'm sorry to keep you here for so long. I had no idea anyone could spend so much time on a small tear. No wonder Mrs. Mason charges so much for dress-making if her seamstresses are this slow."
It was meant to be witty, but Mr Bellingham looked grave. He saw the scarlet colour of annoyance flush to that beautiful cheek which was partially presented to him. He took a candle from the table, and held it so that Ruth had more light. She did not look up to thank him, for she felt ashamed that he should have seen the smile which she had caught from him.
It was supposed to be funny, but Mr. Bellingham looked serious. He noticed the red hue of annoyance rising to the beautiful cheek that was partially turned toward him. He picked up a candle from the table and held it to give Ruth more light. She didn’t look up to thank him because she felt embarrassed that he had seen the smile she had gotten from him.
"I am sorry I have been so long, ma'am," said she, gently, as she finished her work. "I was afraid it might tear out again if I did not do it carefully." She rose.
"I’m sorry it took me so long, ma'am," she said softly as she finished her work. "I was worried it might tear again if I didn’t do it carefully." She stood up.
"I would rather have had it torn than have missed that charming galop," said the young lady, shaking out her dress as a bird shakes its plumage. "Shall we go, Mr Bellingham?" looking up at him.
"I would have preferred it to be ripped than to have missed that delightful galop," said the young lady, fluffing out her dress like a bird shaking its feathers. "Shall we go, Mr. Bellingham?" she asked, looking up at him.
He was surprised that she gave no word or sign of thanks to the assistant. He took up a camellia that some one had left on the table.
He was surprised that she didn’t say a word or show any sign of gratitude to the assistant. He picked up a camellia that someone had left on the table.
"Allow me, Miss Duncombe, to give this in your name to this young lady, as thanks for her dexterous help."
"Let me, Miss Duncombe, give this in your name to this young lady, as a thank you for her skillful help."
"Oh—of course," said she.
"Oh—of course," she said.
Ruth received the flower silently, but with a grave, modest motion of her head. They had gone, and she was once more alone. Presently, her companions returned.
Ruth accepted the flower quietly, nodding her head seriously and modestly. They had left, and she was alone again. Soon, her friends came back.
"What was the matter with Miss Duncombe? Did she come here?" asked they.
"What was wrong with Miss Duncombe? Did she come here?" they asked.
"Only her lace dress was torn, and I mended it," answered Ruth, quietly.
"Only her lace dress was torn, and I fixed it," answered Ruth, quietly.
"Did Mr Bellingham come with her? They say he's going to be married to her; did he come, Ruth?"
"Did Mr. Bellingham come with her? I heard he's going to marry her; did he arrive, Ruth?"
"Yes," said Ruth, and relapsed into silence.
"Yeah," said Ruth, and fell quiet again.
Mr Bellingham danced on gaily and merrily through the night, and flirted with Miss Duncombe, as he thought good. But he looked often to the side-door where the milliner's apprentices stood; and once he recognised the tall, slight figure, and the rich auburn hair of the girl in black; and then his eye sought for the camellia. It was there, snowy white in her bosom. And he danced on more gaily than ever.
Mr. Bellingham danced happily and cheerfully through the night and flirted with Miss Duncombe as he pleased. But he often glanced at the side door where the milliner's apprentices stood; and once he recognized the tall, slender figure and the striking auburn hair of the girl in black; then his eye searched for the camellia. It was there, pure white in her bosom. And he danced even more joyfully than before.
The cold grey dawn was drearily lighting up the streets when Mrs Mason and her company returned home. The lamps were extinguished, yet the shutters of the shops and dwelling-houses were not opened. All sounds had an echo unheard by day. One or two houseless beggars sat on doorsteps, and, shivering, slept, with heads bowed on their knees, or resting against the cold hard support afforded by the wall.
The cold gray dawn was sadly brightening the streets when Mrs. Mason and her group returned home. The streetlights were off, but the shop and house shutters were still closed. Every sound had a nighttime echo. One or two homeless beggars sat on doorsteps, shivering as they slept with their heads down on their knees or leaning against the cold, hard support of the wall.
Ruth felt as if a dream had melted away, and she were once more in the actual world. How long it would be, even in the most favourable chance, before she should again enter the shire-hall! or hear a band of music! or even see again those bright, happy people—as much without any semblance of care or woe as if they belonged to another race of beings. Had they ever to deny themselves a wish, much less a want? Literally and figuratively, their lives seemed to wander through flowery pleasure-paths. Here was cold, biting mid-winter for her, and such as her—for those poor beggars almost a season of death; but to Miss Duncombe and her companions, a happy, merry time, when flowers still bloomed, and fires crackled, and comforts and luxuries were piled around them like fairy gifts. What did they know of the meaning of the word, so terrific to the poor? What was winter to them? But Ruth fancied that Mr Bellingham looked as if he could understand the feelings of those removed from him by circumstance and station. He had drawn up the windows of his carriage, it is true, with a shudder.
Ruth felt like a dream had faded away, and she was back in the real world. How long would it be, even under the best circumstances, before she would enter the town hall again? Or hear a band playing? Or see those bright, happy people again—so carefree and blissful as if they belonged to a different species. Had they ever had to deny themselves a desire, let alone a basic need? Literally and figuratively, their lives seemed to drift through beautiful paths of pleasure. Here was the cold, biting mid-winter for her, and for those poor beggars, it was almost a season of death; but for Miss Duncombe and her friends, it was a joyful, merry time, when flowers were still blooming, and fires crackled, surrounded by comforts and luxuries like fairy gifts. What did they know about the meaning of a word so terrifying to the poor? What did winter mean for them? But Ruth thought that Mr. Bellingham looked like he could understand the feelings of those separated from him by circumstance and social status. He had pulled up the windows of his carriage, it’s true, with a shudder.
Ruth, then, had been watching him.
Ruth had been keeping an eye on him.
Yet she had no idea that any association made her camellia precious to her. She believed it was solely on account of its exquisite beauty that she tended it so carefully. She told Jenny every particular of its presentation, with open, straight-looking eye, and without the deepening of a shade of colour.
Yet she had no idea that any connection made her camellia special to her. She thought it was only because of its stunning beauty that she took such good care of it. She told Jenny every detail of its presentation, with her eyes wide open and without a hint of color change in her cheeks.
"Was it not kind of him? You can't think how nicely he did it, just when I was a little bit mortified by her ungracious ways."
"Wasn't that nice of him? You can't imagine how well he handled it, especially when I was feeling a bit embarrassed by her rude behavior."
"It was very nice, indeed," replied Jenny. "Such a beautiful flower! I wish it had some scent."
"It was really nice," Jenny replied. "What a beautiful flower! I wish it had some scent."
"I wish it to be exactly as it is; it is perfect. So pure!" said Ruth, almost clasping her treasure as she placed it in water. "Who is Mr Bellingham?"
"I want it to stay exactly as it is; it’s perfect. So pure!" said Ruth, nearly clutching her treasure as she put it in water. "Who is Mr. Bellingham?"
"He is son to that Mrs Bellingham of the Priory, for whom we made the grey satin pelisse," answered Jenny, sleepily.
"He is the son of Mrs. Bellingham from the Priory, for whom we made the gray satin coat," Jenny replied, drowsily.
"That was before my time," said Ruth. But there was no answer. Jenny was asleep.
"That was before my time," Ruth said. But there was no reply. Jenny was asleep.
It was long before Ruth followed her example. Even on a winter day, it was clear morning light that fell upon her face as she smiled in her slumber. Jenny would not waken her, but watched her face with admiration; it was so lovely in its happiness.
It took a while for Ruth to follow her example. Even on a winter day, the bright morning light shone on her face as she smiled in her sleep. Jenny wouldn’t wake her, but she gazed at her face with admiration; it was so beautiful in its happiness.
"She is dreaming of last night," thought Jenny.
"She's dreaming about last night," thought Jenny.
It was true she was; but one figure flitted more than all the rest through her visions. He presented flower after flower to her in that baseless morning dream, which was all too quickly ended. The night before, she had seen her dead mother in her sleep, and she wakened, weeping. And now she dreamed of Mr Bellingham, and smiled.
It was true she was; but one figure stood out more than all the others in her visions. He offered her flower after flower in that fleeting morning dream, which ended all too soon. The night before, she had seen her deceased mother in her sleep, and she woke up crying. And now she dreamed of Mr. Bellingham and smiled.
And yet, was this a more evil dream than the other?
And yet, was this a worse dream than the other?
The realities of life seemed to cut more sharply against her heart than usual that morning. The late hours of the preceding nights, and perhaps the excitement of the evening before, had indisposed her to bear calmly the rubs and crosses which beset all Mrs Mason's young ladies at times.
The realities of life felt more painful to her that morning than usual. The late hours of the previous nights, and maybe the excitement from the night before, made it hard for her to handle the challenges and setbacks that all of Mrs. Mason's young ladies faced from time to time.
For Mrs Mason, though the first dressmaker in the county, was human after all; and suffered, like her apprentices, from the same causes that affected them. This morning she was disposed to find fault with everything, and everybody. She seemed to have risen with the determination of putting the world and all that it contained (her world, at least) to rights before night; and abuses and negligences, which had long passed unreproved, or winked at, were to-day to be dragged to light, and sharply reprimanded. Nothing less than perfection would satisfy Mrs Mason at such times.
For Mrs. Mason, although she was the best dressmaker in the county, was still human; she suffered, just like her apprentices, from the same issues that affected them. This morning, she was in the mood to criticize everything and everyone. It seemed she had woken up determined to set the world—and everything in it (at least her world)—right before nightfall; all the misdeeds and negligence that had long gone unchallenged or overlooked were now going to be exposed and sternly addressed. Nothing less than perfection would satisfy Mrs. Mason at times like these.
She had her ideas of justice, too; but they were not divinely beautiful and true ideas; they were something more resembling a grocer's, or tea-dealer's ideas of equal right. A little over-indulgence last night was to be balanced by a good deal of over-severity to-day; and this manner of rectifying previous errors fully satisfied her conscience.
She had her own sense of justice, but it wasn't anything divinely beautiful or true; it felt more like a grocer's or tea dealer's notion of equal rights. A bit of indulgence last night had to be balanced by a lot of harshness today, and this way of correcting past mistakes fully eased her conscience.
Ruth was not inclined for, or capable of, much extra exertion; and it would have tasked all her powers to have pleased her superior. The work-room seemed filled with sharp calls. "Miss Hilton! where have you put the blue Persian? Whenever things are mislaid, I know it has been Miss Hilton's evening for siding away!"
Ruth wasn't really up for or able to do much extra work; it would have stretched her to the limit just to satisfy her boss. The workroom felt like it was filled with urgent demands. "Miss Hilton! Where did you put the blue Persian? Whenever things go missing, I know it’s been Miss Hilton’s turn to hide them!"
"Miss Hilton was going out last night, so I offered to clear the workroom for her. I will find it directly, ma'am," answered one of the girls.
"Miss Hilton was going out last night, so I offered to clean up the workroom for her. "I’ll find it right away, ma'am," replied one of the girls."
"Oh, I am well aware of Miss Hilton's custom of shuffling off her duties upon any one who can be induced to relieve her," replied Mrs Mason.
"Oh, I know all about Miss Hilton's habit of passing her responsibilities onto anyone who can be convinced to take them on," replied Mrs. Mason.
Ruth reddened, and tears sprang to her eyes; but she was so conscious of the falsity of the accusation, that she rebuked herself for being moved by it, and, raising her head, gave a proud look round, as if in appeal to her companions.
Ruth blushed, and tears filled her eyes; but she was so aware of the unfairness of the accusation that she scolded herself for being affected by it. She lifted her head and glanced around with a proud expression, as if searching for support from her friends.
"Where is the skirt of Lady Farnham's dress? The flounces not put on! I am surprised. May I ask to whom this work was entrusted yesterday?" inquired Mrs Mason, fixing her eyes on Ruth.
"Where's the skirt of Lady Farnham's dress? The flounces aren't attached! I'm surprised. Can I ask who was given this task yesterday?" Mrs. Mason inquired, staring at Ruth.
"I was to have done it, but I made a mistake, and had to undo it. I am very sorry."
"I was supposed to do it, but I messed up and had to take it back. I'm really sorry."
"I might have guessed, certainly. There is little difficulty, to be sure, in discovering, when work has been neglected or spoilt, into whose hands it has fallen."
"I could have figured that out, no doubt. It's not hard to see, for sure, when something has been neglected or ruined, and who is responsible for it."
Such were the speeches which fell to Ruth's share on this day of all days, when she was least fitted to bear them with equanimity.
Such were the speeches that Ruth had to listen to on this day of all days, when she was least able to handle them calmly.
In the afternoon it was necessary for Mrs Mason to go a few miles into the country. She left injunctions, and orders, and directions, and prohibitions without end; but at last she was gone, and in the relief of her absence, Ruth laid her arms on the table, and, burying her head, began to cry aloud, with weak, unchecked sobs.
In the afternoon, Mrs. Mason had to go a few miles into the countryside. She gave endless instructions, commands, directions, and prohibitions; but eventually, she left. In the relief of her absence, Ruth laid her arms on the table and, burying her head, began to cry out with weak, uncontrolled sobs.
"Don't cry, Miss Hilton,"—"Ruthie, never mind the old dragon,"—"How will you bear on for five years, if you don't spirit yourself up not to care a straw for what she says?"—were some of the modes of comfort and sympathy administered by the young workwomen.
"Don't cry, Miss Hilton,"—"Ruthie, don’t worry about that old dragon,"—"How are you going to get through the next five years if you don’t cheer yourself up and not care at all about what she says?"—were some of the ways the young women at work tried to comfort and support her.
Jenny, with a wiser insight into the grievance and its remedy, said:
Jenny, now having a better understanding of the complaint and how to fix it, said:
"Suppose Ruth goes out instead of you, Fanny Barton, to do the errands. The fresh air will do her good; and you know you dislike the cold east winds, while Ruth says she enjoys frost and snow, and all kinds of shivery weather."
"Imagine if Ruth goes out instead of you, Fanny Barton, to run the errands. The fresh air will be good for her; and you know you hate the cold east winds, while Ruth says she loves frost and snow, and all sorts of chilly weather."
Fanny Barton was a great sleepy-looking girl, huddling over the fire. No one so willing as she to relinquish the walk on this bleak afternoon, when the east wind blew keenly down the street, drying up the very snow itself. There was no temptation to come abroad, for those who were not absolutely obliged to leave their warm rooms; indeed, the dusk hour showed that it was the usual tea-time for the humble inhabitants of that part of the town through which Ruth had to pass on her shopping expedition. As she came to the high ground just above the river, where the street sloped rapidly down to the bridge, she saw the flat country beyond all covered with snow, making the black dome of the cloud-laden sky appear yet blacker; as if the winter's night had never fairly gone away, but had hovered on the edge of the world all through the short bleak day. Down by the bridge (where there was a little shelving bank, used as a landing-place for any pleasure-boats that could float on that shallow stream) some children were playing, and defying the cold; one of them had got a large washing-tub, and with the use of a broken oar kept steering and pushing himself hither and thither in the little creek, much to the admiration of his companions, who stood gravely looking on, immovable in their attentive observation of the hero, although their faces were blue with cold, and their hands crammed deep into their pockets with some faint hope of finding warmth there. Perhaps they feared that, if they unpacked themselves from their lumpy attitudes and began to move about, the cruel wind would find its way into every cranny of their tattered dress. They were all huddled up, and still; with eyes intent on the embryo sailor. At last, one little man, envious of the reputation that his playfellow was acquiring by his daring, called out:
Fanny Barton was a big, sleepy-looking girl, curled up by the fire. No one was more willing than she to skip the walk on this chilly afternoon when the east wind whipped down the street, drying up even the snow. There was no reason to go outside for those who didn’t have to leave their warm rooms; in fact, the fading light indicated that it was the usual tea-time for the humble folks in that part of town that Ruth had to pass during her shopping trip. As she reached the higher ground just above the river, where the street dropped steeply down to the bridge, she noticed the flat countryside beyond, all covered in snow, making the dark dome of the overcast sky seem even darker; it was as if winter’s night had never truly left but lingered on the edge of the world throughout the bleak, short day. By the bridge (where there was a little sloped bank used for landing any pleasure boats that could float on that shallow stream), some kids were playing, ignoring the cold; one of them had a large washing tub and was using a broken oar to steer and push himself around the little creek, much to the admiration of his friends, who stood there watching intently, frozen in their observation of the hero, even though their faces were blue from the cold and their hands were shoved deep into their pockets in a faint hope of finding warmth. They probably worried that if they tried to move from their awkward positions, the biting wind would creep into every gap in their worn clothes. They were all huddled up and still, focused on the budding sailor. Finally, one little boy, jealous of the attention his playmate was getting for his bravery, called out:
"I'll set thee a craddy, Tom! Thou dar'n't go over yon black line in the water, out into the real river."
"I'll bet you, Tom! You wouldn't dare go past that dark line in the water, out into the real river."
Of course the challenge was not to be refused, and Tom paddled away towards the dark line, beyond which the river swept with smooth, steady current. Ruth (a child in years herself) stood at the top of the declivity watching the adventurer, but as unconscious of any danger as the group of children below. At their playfellow's success, they broke through the calm gravity of observation into boisterous marks of applause, clapping their hands, and stamping their impatient little feet, and shouting, "Well done, Tom; thou hast done it rarely!"
Of course, Tom couldn't refuse the challenge and paddled away toward the dark line, beyond which the river flowed with a smooth, steady current. Ruth, still a child herself, stood at the top of the slope watching the adventurer, completely unaware of any danger, just like the group of kids below. When their friend succeeded, they burst out of their serious observation with loud cheers, clapping their hands, stamping their excited little feet, and shouting, "Great job, Tom! You did it amazingly!"
Tom stood in childish dignity for a moment, facing his admirers; then, in an instant, his washing-tub boat was whirled round, and he lost his balance, and fell out; and both he and his boat were carried away slowly, but surely, by the strong full river which eternally moved onwards to the sea.
Tom stood with a childlike dignity for a moment, facing his fans; then, in an instant, his washing-tub boat spun around, he lost his balance, and fell out; both he and his boat were carried away slowly but surely by the strong, full river that continuously flowed towards the sea.
The children shrieked aloud with terror; and Ruth flew down to the little bay, and far into its shallow waters, before she felt how useless such an action was, and that the sensible plan would have been to seek for efficient help. Hardly had this thought struck her, when, louder and sharper than the sullen roar of the stream that was ceaselessly and unrelentingly flowing on, came the splash of a horse galloping through the water in which she was standing. Past her like lightning—down in the stream, swimming along with the current—a stooping rider—an outstretched, grasping arm—a little life redeemed, and a child saved to those who loved it! Ruth stood dizzy and sick with emotion while all this took place; and when the rider turned his swimming horse, and slowly breasted up the river to the landing-place, she recognised him as the Mr Bellingham of the night before. He carried the unconscious child across his horse; the body hung in so lifeless a manner that Ruth believed it was dead, and her eyes were suddenly blinded with tears. She waded back to the beach, to the point towards which Mr Bellingham was directing his horse.
The kids screamed in fear, and Ruth ran down to the small bay, wading into its shallow waters before realizing how pointless it was to act alone and that she should have gotten proper help. Just as this thought crossed her mind, she heard a loud and sharp splash, louder than the dull roar of the stream that was constantly flowing. A horse dashed through the water where she stood. In an instant—down in the stream, swimming with the current—a leaning rider—an outstretched hand—saving a life, a child rescued for those who cared about it! Ruth felt dizzy and overwhelmed with emotion as all this unfolded; when the rider turned his swimming horse and slowly made his way upstream to the landing area, she recognized him as Mr. Bellingham from the night before. He carried the unconscious child on his horse; the limp body seemed so lifeless that Ruth thought it was dead, and tears suddenly filled her eyes. She waded back to the shore, moving toward the spot where Mr. Bellingham was guiding his horse.
"Is he dead?" asked she, stretching out her arms to receive the little fellow; for she instinctively felt that the position in which he hung was not the most conducive to returning consciousness, if, indeed, it would ever return.
"Is he dead?" she asked, reaching out her arms to take the little guy; she instinctively knew that the way he was hanging wasn’t likely to help him regain consciousness, if he ever would.
"I think not," answered Mr Bellingham, as he gave the child to her, before springing off his horse. "Is he your brother? Do you know who he is?"
"I don't think so," replied Mr. Bellingham as he handed the child to her before jumping off his horse. "Is he your brother? Do you know who he is?"
"Look!" said Ruth, who had sat down upon the ground, the better to prop the poor lad, "his hand twitches! he lives! oh, sir, he lives! Whose boy is he?" (to the people, who came hurrying and gathering to the spot at the rumour of an accident).
"Look!" said Ruth, who had sat down on the ground to better support the poor boy, "his hand is twitching! He’s alive! Oh, sir, he’s alive! Whose boy is he?" (to the crowd that hurried over after hearing about the accident).
"He's old Nelly Brownson's," said they. "Her grandson."
"He's old Nelly Brownson's grandson," they said.
"We must take him into a house directly," said she. "Is his home far off?"
"We need to get him into a house right away," she said. "Is his home far from here?"
"No, no; it's just close by."
"No, it's just nearby."
"One of you go for a doctor at once," said Mr Bellingham, authoritatively, "and bring him to the old woman's without delay. You must not hold him any longer," he continued, speaking to Ruth, and remembering her face now for the first time; "your dress is dripping wet already. Here! you fellow, take him up, d'ye see!"
"One of you, go get a doctor right away," Mr. Bellingham said firmly. "Bring him to the old woman's place without delay. You can't keep him any longer," he continued, addressing Ruth and noticing her face for the first time. "Your dress is already soaked. Here! You there, pick him up, do you understand?"
But the child's hand had nervously clenched Ruth's dress, and she would not have him disturbed. She carried her heavy burden very tenderly towards a mean little cottage indicated by the neighbours; an old crippled woman was coming out of the door, shaking all over with agitation.
But the child's hand had nervously gripped Ruth's dress, and she didn't want him to be bothered. She carefully carried her heavy burden towards a shabby little cottage pointed out by the neighbors; an elderly, frail woman was coming out of the door, trembling with anxiety.
"Dear heart!" said she, "he's the last of 'em all, and he's gone afore me."
"Dear heart!" she said, "he's the last of them all, and he's gone before me."
"Nonsense," said Mr Bellingham, "the boy is alive, and likely to live."
"Nonsense," said Mr. Bellingham, "the boy is alive and probably going to be fine."
But the old woman was helpless and hopeless, and insisted on believing that her grandson was dead; and dead he would have been if it had not been for Ruth, and one or two of the more sensible neighbours, who, under Mr Bellingham's directions, bustled about, and did all that was necessary until animation was restored.
But the old woman felt helpless and hopeless, and refused to believe that her grandson was alive; he really would have been dead if it weren't for Ruth and a couple of the more sensible neighbors, who, under Mr. Bellingham's direction, hurried around and did everything necessary until he was brought back to life.
"What a confounded time these people are in fetching the doctor," said Mr Bellingham to Ruth, between whom and himself a sort of silent understanding had sprung up from the circumstance of their having been the only two (besides mere children) who had witnessed the accident, and also the only two to whom a certain degree of cultivation had given the power of understanding each other's thoughts and even each other's words.
"What a frustrating time these people are taking to get the doctor," said Mr. Bellingham to Ruth, with whom he shared a kind of silent understanding because they were the only two (besides the little kids) who had seen the accident, and also the only two who had been educated enough to grasp each other's thoughts and even each other's words.
"It takes so much to knock an idea into such stupid people's heads. They stood gaping and asking which doctor they were to go for, as if it signified whether it was Brown or Smith, so long as he had his wits about him. I have no more time to waste here, either; I was on the gallop when I caught sight of the lad; and, now he has fairly sobbed and opened his eyes, I see no use in my staying in this stifling atmosphere. May I trouble you with one thing? Will you be so good as to see that the little fellow has all that he wants? If you'll allow me, I'll leave you my purse," continued he, giving it to Ruth, who was only too glad to have this power entrusted to her of procuring one or two requisites which she had perceived to be wanted. But she saw some gold between the net-work; she did not like the charge of such riches.
"It takes a lot to get an idea into the heads of such foolish people. They stood there staring, asking which doctor they should see, as if it mattered whether it was Brown or Smith, as long as he was competent. I don't have time to waste here either; I was in a hurry when I first saw the kid, and now that he has started to cry and open his eyes, I don’t see the point of staying in this stuffy place. Can I ask you for one favor? Would you mind making sure the little guy has everything he needs? If you don’t mind, I'll leave my wallet with you," he said, handing it to Ruth, who was more than happy to take on the responsibility of getting a few things she noticed were needed. However, she saw some gold coins through the mesh and was uncomfortable with the idea of handling such valuable possessions.
"I shall not want so much, really, sir. One sovereign will be plenty—more than enough. May I take that out, and I will give you back what is left of it when I see you again? or, perhaps I had better send it to you, sir?"
"I don’t really need much, sir. One sovereign will be plenty—more than enough. Can I take that out, and I’ll return whatever's left when I see you again? Or maybe it’s better if I just send it to you, sir?"
"I think you had better keep it all at present. Oh! what a horrid dirty place this is; insufferable two minutes longer. You must not stay here; you'll be poisoned with this abominable air. Come towards the door, I beg. Well, if you think one sovereign will be enough, I will take my purse; only, remember you apply to me if you think they want more."
"I think you should hold onto everything for now. Oh! what a terrible, dirty place this is; I can't stand it for even two more minutes. You can't stay here; you'll be suffocated by this awful air. Please, come toward the door. If you believe one pound will be enough, I’ll grab my wallet; just remember to ask me if you think they need more."
They were standing at the door, where some one was holding Mr Bellingham's horse. Ruth was looking at him with her earnest eyes (Mrs Mason and her errands quite forgotten in the interest of the afternoon's event), her whole thoughts bent upon rightly understanding and following out his wishes for the little boy's welfare; and until now this had been the first object in his own mind. But at this moment the strong perception of Ruth's exceeding beauty came again upon him. He almost lost the sense of what he was saying, he was so startled into admiration. The night before, he had not seen her eyes; and now they looked straight and innocently full at him, grave, earnest, and deep. But when she instinctively read the change in the expression of his countenance, she dropped her large white veiling lids; and he thought her face was lovelier still.
They were standing at the door, where someone was holding Mr. Bellingham's horse. Ruth was looking at him with her sincere eyes (Mrs. Mason and her errands completely forgotten in the excitement of the afternoon's event), her thoughts focused on understanding and following his wishes for the little boy's well-being; until now, that had been his main concern too. But at that moment, he was struck again by Ruth's incredible beauty. He almost lost track of what he was saying, so taken aback was he by admiration. The night before, he hadn’t seen her eyes; now, they looked directly and innocently at him, serious, earnest, and profound. But when she instinctively noticed the shift in his expression, she lowered her long white lashes; he thought her face was even more beautiful then.
The irresistible impulse seized him to arrange matters so that he might see her again before long.
The overwhelming urge took hold of him to set things up so he could see her again soon.
"No!" said he. "I see it would be better that you should keep the purse. Many things may be wanted for the lad which we cannot calculate upon now. If I remember rightly, there are three sovereigns and some loose change; I shall, perhaps, see you again in a few days, when, if there be any money left in the purse, you can restore it to me."
"No!" he said. "I think it’s better if you keep the purse. There are probably things we’ll need for the boy that we can’t predict right now. If I remember correctly, there are three sovereigns and some loose change in there. I might see you again in a few days, and if there’s still money left in the purse, you can give it back to me."
"Oh, yes, sir," said Ruth, alive to the magnitude of the wants to which she might have to administer, and yet rather afraid of the responsibility implied in the possession of so much money.
"Oh, yes, sir," Ruth replied, aware of the scale of needs she might have to address, yet somewhat apprehensive about the responsibility that comes with handling so much money.
"Is there any chance of my meeting you again in this house?" asked he.
"Is there any chance I could meet you again in this house?" he asked.
"I hope to come whenever I can, sir; but I must run in errand-times, and I don't know when my turn may be."
"I hope to come whenever I can, sir; but I have to go during errand times, and I don't know when my turn will be."
"Oh"—he did not fully understand this answer—"I should like to know how you think the boy is going on, if it is not giving you too much trouble; do you ever take walks?"
"Oh"—he didn't fully get that answer—"I'd like to know how you think the boy is doing, if it’s not too much trouble; do you ever go for walks?"
"Not for walking's sake, sir."
"Not for walking's sake, dude."
"Well!" said he, "you go to church, I suppose? Mrs Mason does not keep you at work on Sundays, I trust?"
"Well!" he said, "I assume you go to church? I hope Mrs. Mason doesn't make you work on Sundays?"
"Oh, no, sir. I go to church regularly."
"Oh, no, sir. I go to church regularly."
"Then, perhaps, you will be so good as to tell me what church you go to, and I will meet you there next Sunday afternoon?"
"Then, maybe you could tell me which church you go to, and I’ll meet you there next Sunday afternoon?"
"I go to St Nicholas', sir. I will take care and bring you word how the boy is, and what doctor they get; and I will keep an account of the money I spend."
"I go to St. Nicholas', sir. I'll be careful and let you know how the boy is doing and which doctor they get; and I'll keep track of the money I spend."
"Very well; thank you. Remember, I trust to you."
"Alright; thank you. Just remember, I’m counting on you."
He meant that he relied on her promise to meet him; but Ruth thought that he was referring to the responsibility of doing the best she could for the child. He was going away, when a fresh thought struck him, and he turned back into the cottage once more, and addressed Ruth, with a half smile on his countenance:
He meant that he was counting on her promise to meet him; but Ruth thought he was talking about the responsibility of doing her best for the child. He was leaving when a new thought hit him, so he turned back into the cottage again and spoke to Ruth, with a half-smile on his face:
"It seems rather strange, but we have no one to introduce us; my name is Bellingham—yours is—?"
"It seems a bit odd, but we don't have anyone to introduce us; my name is Bellingham—what's yours ?"
"Ruth Hilton, sir," she answered, in a low voice, for, now that the conversation no longer related to the boy, she felt shy and restrained.
"Ruth Hilton, sir," she replied, in a quiet voice, because now that the conversation was no longer about the boy, she felt shy and reserved.
He held out his hand to shake hers, and just as she gave it to him, the old grandmother came tottering up to ask some question. The interruption jarred upon him, and made him once more keenly alive to the closeness of the air, and the squalor and dirt by which he was surrounded.
He extended his hand to shake hers, and just as she reached out to him, the elderly grandmother hobbled over to ask a question. The interruption annoyed him and reminded him once again of how stifling the air was and the grime and filth that surrounded him.
"My good woman," said he to Nelly Brownson, "could you not keep your place a little neater and cleaner? It is more fit for pigs than human beings. The air in this room is quite offensive, and the dirt and filth is really disgraceful."
"My good woman," he said to Nelly Brownson, "could you please keep your place a little neater and cleaner? It’s more suitable for pigs than for people. The air in this room is pretty unpleasant, and the dirt and mess are truly embarrassing."
By this time he was mounted, and, bowing to Ruth, he rode away.
By this point, he was on his horse, and after nodding to Ruth, he rode off.
Then the old woman's wrath broke out.
Then the old woman's anger erupted.
"Who may you be, that knows no better manners than to come into a poor woman's house to abuse it?—fit for pigs, indeed! What d'ye call yon fellow?"
"Who do you think you are, coming into a poor woman's house just to disrespect it?—you might as well be in a pigsty! Who do you call that guy?"
"He is Mr Bellingham," said Ruth, shocked at the old woman's apparent ingratitude. "It was he that rode into the water to save your grandson. He would have been drowned but for Mr Bellingham. I thought once they would both have been swept away by the current, it was so strong."
"He is Mr. Bellingham," Ruth said, amazed at the old woman's obvious ingratitude. "He was the one who rode into the water to save your grandson. He would have drowned if it weren't for Mr. Bellingham. I honestly thought they both would have been swept away by the current; it was that strong."
"The river is none so deep, either," the old woman said, anxious to diminish as much as possible the obligation she was under to one who had offended her. "Some one else would have saved him, if this fine young spark had never been near. He's an orphan, and God watches over orphans, they say. I'd rather it had been any one else as had picked him out, than one who comes into a poor body's house only to abuse it."
"The river isn't that deep either," the old woman said, eager to lighten the burden she felt towards someone who had wronged her. "Someone else would have saved him if this charming young guy hadn't been around. He’s an orphan, and they say God looks after orphans. I would have preferred it if anyone else had chosen him rather than someone who comes into a poor person's home just to take advantage of it."
"He did not come in only to abuse it," said Ruth, gently. "He came with little Tom; he only said it was not quite so clean as it might be."
"He didn’t come in just to complain," Ruth said gently. "He came with little Tom; he just mentioned that it could be cleaner."
"What! you're taking up the cry, are you? Wait till you are an old woman like me, crippled with rheumatiz, and a lad to see after like Tom, who is always in mud when he isn't in water; and his food and mine to scrape together (God knows we're often short, and do the best I can), and water to fetch up that steep brow."
"What! You're joining in the shouting, are you? Wait until you're an old woman like me, burdened with arthritis, and a boy to look after like Tom, who is always muddy when he's not wet; and trying to gather enough food for both of us (God knows we're often short, and I do the best I can), and fetching water up that steep hill."
She stopped to cough; and Ruth judiciously changed the subject, and began to consult the old woman as to the wants of her grandson, in which consultation they were soon assisted by the medical man.
She paused to cough, and Ruth wisely shifted the topic, starting to ask the old woman about her grandson's needs, a discussion that was soon joined by the doctor.
When Ruth had made one or two arrangements with a neighbour, whom she asked to procure the most necessary things, and had heard from the doctor that all would be right in a day or two, she began to quake at the recollection of the length of time she had spent at Nelly Brownson's, and to remember, with some affright, the strict watch kept by Mrs Mason over her apprentices' out-goings and in-comings on working days. She hurried off to the shops, and tried to recall her wandering thoughts to the respective merits of pink and blue as a match to lilac, found she had lost her patterns, and went home with ill-chosen things, and in a fit of despair at her own stupidity.
When Ruth had arranged for a neighbor to pick up the essentials and heard from the doctor that everything would be fine in a day or two, she started to feel nervous thinking about how much time she had spent at Nelly Brownson's. The strict supervision Mrs. Mason had over her apprentices’ comings and goings during the workdays worried her. She rushed to the shops, tried to focus on the merits of pink and blue to match lilac, realized she had lost her samples, and ended up going home with poorly chosen items, feeling frustrated at her own foolishness.
The truth was, that the afternoon's adventure filled her mind; only, the figure of Tom (who was now safe, and likely to do well) was receding into the background, and that of Mr Bellingham becoming more prominent than it had been. His spirited and natural action of galloping into the water to save the child, was magnified by Ruth into the most heroic deed of daring; his interest about the boy was tender, thoughtful benevolence in her eyes, and his careless liberality of money was fine generosity; for she forgot that generosity implies some degree of self-denial. She was gratified, too, by the power of dispensing comfort he had entrusted to her, and was busy with Alnaschar visions of wise expenditure, when the necessity of opening Mrs Mason's house-door summoned her back into actual present life, and the dread of an immediate scolding.
The truth was, the afternoon's adventure occupied her mind; however, the image of Tom (who was now safe and likely to do well) was fading into the background, while Mr. Bellingham’s figure became more prominent. His bold and natural act of galloping into the water to save the child was elevated by Ruth into the most heroic act of bravery; in her eyes, his concern for the boy showed a tender, thoughtful kindness, and his casual generosity with money appeared as noble generosity; she forgot that true generosity involves some level of self-denial. She felt pleased, too, by the power to offer comfort that he had entrusted to her, and was lost in daydreams of wise spending when the need to open Mrs. Mason's front door pulled her back into reality and the fear of an immediate scolding.
For this time, however, she was spared; but spared for such a reason that she would have been thankful for some blame in preference to her impunity. During her absence, Jenny's difficulty of breathing had suddenly become worse, and the girls had, on their own responsibility, put her to bed, and were standing round her in dismay, when Mrs Mason's return home (only a few minutes before Ruth arrived) fluttered them back into the workroom.
For now, though, she was let off the hook; but for a reason that made her wish she had received some criticism instead of facing no consequences. While she was away, Jenny's difficulty breathing had suddenly worsened, and the girls had taken it upon themselves to put her to bed and were gathered around her in distress when Mrs. Mason returned home (just a few minutes before Ruth arrived), which sent them scurrying back to the workroom.
And now, all was confusion and hurry; a doctor to be sent for; a mind to be unburdened of directions for a dress to a forewoman, who was too ill to understand; scoldings to be scattered with no illiberal hand amongst a group of frightened girls, hardly sparing the poor invalid herself for her inopportune illness. In the middle of all this turmoil, Ruth crept quietly to her place, with a heavy saddened heart at the indisposition of the gentle forewoman. She would gladly have nursed Jenny herself, and often longed to do it, but she could not be spared. Hands, unskilful in fine and delicate work, would be well enough qualified to tend the sick, until the mother arrived from home. Meanwhile, extra diligence was required in the workroom; and Ruth found no opportunity of going to see little Tom, or to fulfil the plans for making him and his grandmother more comfortable, which she had proposed to herself. She regretted her rash promise to Mr Bellingham, of attending to the little boy's welfare; all that she could do was done by means of Mrs Mason's servant, through whom she made inquiries, and sent the necessary help.
And now, everything was chaotic and rushed; a doctor needed to be called; instructions for a dress had to be given to a forewoman who was too sick to comprehend; reprimands were handed out liberally among a group of frightened girls, hardly sparing the poor invalid herself for her inconvenient illness. In the midst of all this chaos, Ruth quietly took her place, feeling heavy-hearted about the gentle forewoman's condition. She would have gladly cared for Jenny herself and often wished she could, but she couldn’t be spared. Hands unskilled in fine and delicate work would suffice to care for the sick until the mother arrived from home. Meanwhile, extra effort was needed in the workroom; and Ruth found no chance to see little Tom or to carry out her plans to make him and his grandmother more comfortable, which she had intended to do. She regretted her hasty promise to Mr. Bellingham to look after the little boy's well-being; all she could do was arrange assistance through Mrs. Mason's servant, who helped her make inquiries and send the necessary support.
The subject of Jenny's illness was the prominent one in the house. Ruth told of her own adventure, to be sure; but when she was at the very crisis of the boy's fall into the river, the more fresh and vivid interest of some tidings of Jenny was brought into the room, and Ruth ceased, almost blaming herself for caring for anything besides the question of life or death to be decided in that very house.
The topic of Jenny's illness was the main focus in the house. Ruth shared her own adventure, but just when she was at the peak of her story about the boy falling into the river, fresh and urgent news about Jenny came into the room. Ruth stopped, feeling guilty for caring about anything other than the life-or-death situation happening right there.
Then a pale, gentle-looking woman was seen moving softly about; and it was whispered that this was the mother come to nurse her child. Everybody liked her, she was so sweet-looking, and gave so little trouble, and seemed so patient, and so thankful for any inquiries about her daughter, whose illness, it was understood, although its severity was mitigated, was likely to be long and tedious. While all the feelings and thoughts relating to Jenny were predominant, Sunday arrived. Mrs Mason went the accustomed visit to her father's, making some little show of apology to Mrs Wood for leaving her and her daughter; the apprentices dispersed to the various friends with whom they were in the habit of spending the day; and Ruth went to St Nicholas', with a sorrowful heart, depressed on account of Jenny, and self-reproachful at having rashly undertaken what she had been unable to perform.
Then a pale, gentle-looking woman was seen moving softly around, and it was whispered that this was the mother come to care for her child. Everyone liked her; she was so sweet-looking, caused so little trouble, and seemed so patient and grateful for any questions about her daughter, whose illness, while not as severe, was expected to be lengthy and challenging. While all feelings and thoughts about Jenny were dominant, Sunday came. Mrs. Mason made her usual visit to her father's, offering a small apology to Mrs. Wood for leaving her and her daughter; the apprentices scattered to the various friends they usually spent the day with; and Ruth went to St. Nicholas', with a heavy heart, feeling down because of Jenny and guilty for having recklessly taken on something she couldn’t fulfill.
As she came out of church, she was joined by Mr Bellingham. She had half hoped that he might have forgotten the arrangement, and yet she wished to relieve herself of her responsibility. She knew his step behind her, and the contending feelings made her heart beat hard, and she longed to run away.
As she exited the church, Mr. Bellingham joined her. She secretly hoped he might have forgotten their plans, but she also wanted to shake off her responsibility. She could hear his footsteps behind her, and the mix of emotions made her heart race, making her want to escape.
"Miss Hilton, I believe," said he, overtaking her, and bowing forward, so as to catch a sight of her rose-red face. "How is our little sailor going on? Well, I trust, from the symptoms the other day."
"Miss Hilton, I believe," he said, catching up to her and leaning forward to catch a glimpse of her rosy face. "How is our little sailor doing? I hope well, considering the signs from the other day."
"I believe, sir, he is quite well now. I am very sorry, but I have not been able to go and see him. I am so sorry—I could not help it. But I have got one or two things through another person. I have put them down on this slip of paper; and here is your purse, sir, for I am afraid I can do nothing more for him. We have illness in the house, and it makes us very busy."
"I think he's doing pretty well now, sir. I'm really sorry, but I haven't been able to visit him. I'm truly sorry—I couldn't help it. However, I have gotten a few updates from someone else. I've written them down on this piece of paper, and here's your purse, sir, because I'm afraid I can't do anything else for him. We have someone sick at home, and it keeps us very busy."
Ruth had been so much accustomed to blame of late, that she almost anticipated some remonstrance or reproach now, for not having fulfilled her promise better. She little guessed that Mr Bellingham was far more busy trying to devise some excuse for meeting her again, during the silence that succeeded her speech, than displeased with her for not bringing a more particular account of the little boy, in whom he had ceased to feel any interest.
Ruth had become so used to being blamed lately that she almost expected some kind of complaint or criticism now for not having kept her promise better. She had no idea that Mr. Bellingham was actually more focused on coming up with an excuse to meet her again during the silence after she spoke, rather than being upset with her for not providing more details about the little boy, whom he had lost interest in.
She repeated, after a minute's pause:
She said again after a minute's pause:
"I am very sorry I have done so little, sir."
"I really apologize for doing so little, sir."
"Oh, yes, I am sure you have done all you could. It was thoughtless in me to add to your engagements."
"Oh, yes, I'm sure you've done everything you could. It was inconsiderate of me to add to your commitments."
"He is displeased with me," thought Ruth, "for what he believes to have been neglect of the boy, whose life he risked his own to save. If I told all, he would see that I could not do more; but I cannot tell him all the sorrows and worries that have taken up my time."
"He’s upset with me," Ruth thought, "for what he thinks is neglecting the boy, whose life he risked his own to save. If I explained everything, he would understand that I couldn’t do more; but I can’t share all the troubles and worries that have consumed my time."
"And yet I am tempted to give you another little commission, if it is not taking up too much of your time, and presuming too much on your good-nature," said he, a bright idea having just struck him. "Mrs Mason lives in Heneage Place, does not she? My mother's ancestors lived there; and once, when the house was being repaired, she took me in to show me the old place. There was an old hunting-piece painted on a panel over one of the chimney-pieces; the figures were portraits of my ancestors. I have often thought I should like to purchase it, if it still remained there. Can you ascertain this for me, and bring me word next Sunday?"
"And yet I'm tempted to ask you for another small favor, if it’s not too much trouble and I’m not asking too much of your kindness," he said, as a bright idea came to him. "Mrs. Mason lives on Heneage Place, right? My mom's ancestors lived there; and once, when the house was being renovated, she took me inside to show me the old place. There was an old hunting scene painted on a panel over one of the fireplaces; the figures were portraits of my ancestors. I've often thought I'd like to buy it, if it’s still there. Can you check this for me and let me know next Sunday?"
"Oh, yes, sir," said Ruth, glad that this commission was completely within her power to execute, and anxious to make up for her previous seeming neglect. "I'll look directly I get home, and ask Mrs Mason to write and let you know."
"Oh, yes, sir," Ruth said, happy that this task was something she could definitely handle, and eager to make up for how she'd seemed to neglect it before. "I'll check as soon as I get home and ask Mrs. Mason to write and let you know."
"Thank you," said he, only half satisfied; "I think perhaps, however, it might be as well not to trouble Mrs Mason about it; you see, it would compromise me, and I am not quite determined to purchase the picture; if you would ascertain whether the painting is there, and tell me, I would take a little time to reflect, and afterwards I could apply to Mrs Mason myself."
"Thanks," he said, feeling somewhat satisfied but not completely. "I think it might be better not to involve Mrs. Mason about this; you see, it could put me in a tricky position, and I'm not fully sure I want to buy the painting. If you could find out if the painting is there and let me know, I’d appreciate it. Then I could take some time to think it over and approach Mrs. Mason myself later."
"Very well, sir; I will see about it." So they parted.
"Sure thing, sir; I'll look into it." Then they went their separate ways.
Before the next Sunday, Mrs Wood had taken her daughter to her distant home, to recruit in that quiet place. Ruth watched her down the street from an upper window, and, sighing deep and long, returned to the workroom, whence the warning voice and the gentle wisdom had departed.
Before the next Sunday, Mrs. Wood had taken her daughter back to their faraway home to rest in that peaceful place. Ruth watched her walk down the street from an upper window, and, with a deep, long sigh, went back to the workroom, where the comforting voice and gentle wisdom had vanished.
CHAPTER III
Sunday at Mrs Mason's
Mr Bellingham attended afternoon service at St Nicholas' church the next Sunday. His thoughts had been far more occupied by Ruth than hers by him, although his appearance upon the scene of her life was more an event to her than it was to him. He was puzzled by the impression she had produced on him, though he did not in general analyse the nature of his feelings, but simply enjoyed them with the delight which youth takes in experiencing new and strong emotion.
Mr. Bellingham went to the afternoon service at St. Nicholas' church the following Sunday. He found himself thinking about Ruth much more than she thought about him, even though his presence in her life felt like a bigger deal to her than it did to him. He was confused by the effect she had on him, even though he usually didn’t analyze his feelings and simply enjoyed them, relishing the thrill that comes with new and intense emotions in youth.
He was old compared to Ruth, but young as a man; hardly three-and-twenty. The fact of his being an only child had given him, as it does to many, a sort of inequality in those parts of the character which are usually formed by the number of years that a person has lived.
He was older than Ruth but still young for a man; barely twenty-three. Being an only child had given him, like it does for many, a kind of imbalance in the areas of personality that are usually shaped by how many years someone has lived.
The unevenness of discipline to which only children are subjected; the thwarting, resulting from over-anxiety; the indiscreet indulgence, arising from a love centred all in one object; had been exaggerated in his education, probably from the circumstance that his mother (his only surviving parent) had been similarly situated to himself.
The inconsistency in discipline that only children face; the frustrations that come from excessive worry; the careless spoiling that stems from a love focused entirely on one person; all of these were amplified in his upbringing, likely because his mother (his only living parent) had experienced the same situation as him.
He was already in possession of the comparatively small property he inherited from his father. The estate on which his mother lived was her own; and her income gave her the means of indulging or controlling him, after he had grown to man's estate, as her wayward disposition and her love of power prompted her.
He already owned the relatively small property he inherited from his father. The estate where his mother lived was hers, and her income allowed her to either spoil or manage him, once he became an adult, according to her unpredictable nature and her desire for control.
Had he been double-dealing in his conduct towards her, had he condescended to humour her in the least, her passionate love for him would have induced her to strip herself of all her possessions to add to his dignity or happiness. But although he felt the warmest affection for her, the regardlessness which she had taught him (by example, perhaps, more than by precept) of the feelings of others, was continually prompting him to do things that she, for the time being, resented as mortal affronts. He would mimic the clergyman she specially esteemed, even to his very face; he would refuse to visit her schools for months and months; and, when wearied into going at last, revenge himself by puzzling the children with the most ridiculous questions (gravely put) that he could imagine.
If he had been deceitful in his behavior toward her, or had even slightly lowered himself to humor her, her intense love for him would have driven her to give up all her belongings just to enhance his dignity or happiness. But even though he cared for her deeply, the disregard for others' feelings that she had indirectly taught him made him continually do things that she, at that moment, viewed as serious insults. He would imitate the clergyman she held in high regard, even right in front of him; he would avoid visiting her schools for months on end; and when he finally gave in to going, he would take revenge by confusing the children with the most absurd questions (seriously posed) that he could come up with.
All these boyish tricks annoyed and irritated her far more than the accounts which reached her of more serious misdoings at college and in town. Of these grave offences she never spoke; of the smaller misdeeds she hardly ever ceased speaking.
All these childish antics annoyed and irritated her much more than the stories she heard about more serious wrongdoings at college and in town. She never mentioned those serious offenses, but she hardly ever stopped talking about the smaller misdeeds.
Still, at times, she had great influence over him, and nothing delighted her more than to exercise it. The submission of his will to hers was sure to be liberally rewarded; for it gave her great happiness to extort, from his indifference or his affection, the concessions which she never sought by force of reason, or by appeals to principle—concessions which he frequently withheld, solely for the sake of asserting his independence of her control.
Still, there were times when she had a lot of influence over him, and nothing made her happier than to use it. When he submitted his will to hers, she was always generous with her rewards; it brought her immense joy to get him to give in to either his indifference or his affection, which she never tried to achieve through logical arguments or appeals to principle—concessions he often withheld just to maintain his independence from her control.
She was anxious for him to marry Miss Duncombe. He cared little or nothing about it—it was time enough to be married ten years hence; and so he was dawdling through some months of his life—sometimes flirting with the nothing-loath Miss Duncombe, sometimes plaguing, and sometimes delighting his mother, at all times taking care to please himself—when he first saw Ruth Hilton, and a new, passionate, hearty feeling shot through his whole being. He did not know why he was so fascinated by her. She was very beautiful, but he had seen others equally beautiful, and with many more agaceries calculated to set off the effect of their charms.
She was eager for him to marry Miss Duncombe. He didn’t care much about it—he felt there was plenty of time to get married, maybe in ten years; so he was just passing the time over a few months of his life—sometimes flirting with the willing Miss Duncombe, other times annoying or pleasing his mother, but always making sure to satisfy himself—when he first saw Ruth Hilton, and a new, intense, heartfelt feeling surged through him. He couldn’t understand why he was so drawn to her. She was very beautiful, but he had seen others just as beautiful, and many with more charms designed to enhance their attractiveness.
There was, perhaps, something bewitching in the union of the grace and loveliness of womanhood with the naïveté, simplicity, and innocence of an intelligent child. There was a spell in the shyness, which made her avoid and shun all admiring approaches to acquaintance. It would be an exquisite delight to attract and tame her wildness, just as he had often allured and tamed the timid fawns in his mother's park.
There was, perhaps, something enchanting in the combination of the grace and beauty of womanhood with the naïveté, simplicity, and innocence of a smart child. There was a charm in her shyness that made her steer clear of any admiring advances toward friendship. It would be a wonderful pleasure to attract and soothe her wildness, just as he had often lured and calmed the timid fawns in his mother's park.
By no over-bold admiration, or rash, passionate word, would he startle her; and, surely, in time she might be induced to look upon him as a friend, if not something nearer and dearer still.
By no overly bold admiration or hasty, passionate words would he surprise her; and, surely, over time she might come to see him as a friend, if not something closer and more cherished.
In accordance with this determination, he resisted the strong temptation of walking by her side the whole distance home after church. He only received the intelligence she brought respecting the panel with thanks, spoke a few words about the weather, bowed, and was gone. Ruth believed she should never see him again; and, in spite of sundry self-upbraidings for her folly, she could not help feeling as if a shadow were drawn over her existence for several days to come.
In line with this decision, he fought the intense urge to walk beside her all the way home after church. He simply acknowledged the news she shared about the panel with gratitude, exchanged a few words about the weather, bowed, and left. Ruth thought she would never see him again; and despite various self-reproaches for her foolishness, she couldn’t shake the feeling that a shadow had been cast over her life for the next several days.
Mrs Mason was a widow, and had to struggle for the sake of the six or seven children left dependent on her exertions; thus there was some reason, and great excuse, for the pinching economy which regulated her household affairs.
Mrs. Mason was a widow and had to work hard for the sake of the six or seven children who depended on her efforts; so, there was some justification, and a good reason, for the strict budgeting that governed her home life.
On Sundays she chose to conclude that all her apprentices had friends who would be glad to see them to dinner, and give them a welcome reception for the remainder of the day; while she, and those of her children who were not at school, went to spend the day at her father's house, several miles out of the town. Accordingly, no dinner was cooked on Sundays for the young workwomen; no fires were lighted in any rooms to which they had access. On this morning they breakfasted in Mrs Mason's own parlour, after which the room was closed against them through the day by some understood, though unspoken prohibition.
On Sundays, she decided that all her apprentices must have friends who would be happy to see them for dinner and would give them a warm welcome for the rest of the day; meanwhile, she and the children who weren’t in school would spend the day at her father’s house, several miles outside of town. As a result, no dinner was prepared on Sundays for the young women; no fires were lit in any rooms they could access. That morning, they had breakfast in Mrs. Mason’s own parlor, after which the room was closed off to them for the rest of the day due to some understood but unspoken rule.
What became of such as Ruth, who had no home and no friends in that large, populous, desolate town? She had hitherto commissioned the servant, who went to market on Saturdays for the family, to buy her a bun or biscuit, whereon she made her fasting dinner in the deserted workroom, sitting in her walking-dress to keep off the cold, which clung to her in spite of shawl and bonnet. Then she would sit at the window, looking out on the dreary prospect till her eyes were often blinded by tears; and, partly to shake off thoughts and recollections, the indulgence in which she felt to be productive of no good, and partly to have some ideas to dwell upon during the coming week beyond those suggested by the constant view of the same room, she would carry her Bible, and place herself in the window-seat on the wide landing, which commanded the street in front of the house. From thence she could see the irregular grandeur of the place; she caught a view of the grey church-tower, rising hoary and massive into mid-air; she saw one or two figures loiter along on the sunny side of the street, in all the enjoyment of their fine clothes and Sunday leisure; and she imagined histories for them, and tried to picture to herself their homes and their daily doings.
What happened to someone like Ruth, who had no home and no friends in that big, crowded, lonely town? Until now, she had asked the servant, who went to the market on Saturdays for the family, to buy her a bun or biscuit, on which she would have her fasting dinner in the empty workroom. She would sit in her walking dress to stay warm, despite the shawl and bonnet that couldn’t fend off the cold. After that, she’d sit by the window, staring out at the dreary view until her eyes were often filled with tears. Partly to push away thoughts and memories that she felt were doing her no good, and partly to have something different to think about during the upcoming week besides the constant view of the same room, she'd take her Bible and settle herself in the window seat on the wide landing that overlooked the street in front of the house. From there, she could see the uneven grandeur of the area; she caught sight of the gray church tower, rising old and massive into the sky; she noticed a couple of people hanging out on the sunny side of the street, enjoying their nice clothes and leisurely Sunday; and she would create stories for them, trying to imagine their homes and daily lives.
And before long, the bells swung heavily in the church-tower, and struck out with musical clang the first summons to afternoon church.
And soon, the bells in the church tower rang loudly, ringing out a musical call for the afternoon service.
After church was over, she used to return home to the same window-seat, and watch till the winter twilight was over and gone, and the stars came out over the black masses of houses. And then she would steal down to ask for a candle, as a companion to her in the deserted workroom. Occasionally the servant would bring her up some tea; but of late Ruth had declined taking any, as she had discovered she was robbing the kind-hearted creature of part of the small provision left out for her by Mrs Mason. She sat on, hungry and cold, trying to read her Bible, and to think the old holy thoughts which had been her childish meditations at her mother's knee, until one after another the apprentices returned, weary with their day's enjoyment, and their week's late watching; too weary to make her in any way a partaker of their pleasure by entering into details of the manner in which they had spent their day.
After church was over, she would go back home to the same window seat and watch until the winter twilight faded away and the stars appeared over the dark silhouettes of the houses. Then she would quietly go down to ask for a candle to keep her company in the empty workroom. Sometimes the servant would bring her some tea, but lately, Ruth had stopped accepting it, realizing that she was taking away part of the small supply left out for her by Mrs. Mason. She sat there, hungry and cold, trying to read her Bible and think about the holy thoughts she used to meditate on as a child at her mother's knee, until one by one the apprentices came back, tired from their day’s fun and the late nights they had spent; too exhausted to include her in their enjoyment by sharing the details of their day.
And last of all, Mrs Mason returned; and, summoning her "young people" once more into the parlour, she read a prayer before dismissing them to bed. She always expected to find them all in the house when she came home, but asked no questions as to their proceedings through the day; perhaps because she dreaded to hear that one or two had occasionally nowhere to go, and that it would be sometimes necessary to order a Sunday's dinner, and leave a lighted fire on that day.
And finally, Mrs. Mason came back; and, calling her "young people" into the living room again, she read a prayer before sending them off to bed. She always expected to find them all at home when she returned, but didn't ask about what they did during the day; maybe because she feared hearing that one or two sometimes had nowhere to go, and that it would occasionally be necessary to prepare a Sunday dinner and leave the fire burning that day.
For five months Ruth had been an inmate at Mrs Mason's, and such had been the regular order of the Sundays. While the forewoman stayed there, it is true, she was ever ready to give Ruth the little variety of hearing of recreations in which she was no partaker; and however tired Jenny might be at night, she had ever some sympathy to bestow on Ruth for the dull length of day she had passed. After her departure, the monotonous idleness of the Sunday seemed worse to bear than the incessant labour of the work-days; until the time came when it seemed to be a recognised hope in her mind, that on Sunday afternoons she should see Mr Bellingham, and hear a few words from him, as from a friend who took an interest in her thoughts and proceedings during the past week.
For five months, Ruth had been staying at Mrs. Mason's, and Sundays followed a regular routine. While the forewoman was there, she always made an effort to share some entertainment with Ruth, even though Ruth wasn't involved. No matter how tired Jenny was by the end of the day, she always had some empathy for Ruth and the long, uneventful hours she had spent. After Jenny left, the dullness of Sundays felt even harder to endure than the constant work of the weekdays, until the moment came when Ruth began to hope that on Sunday afternoons she would see Mr. Bellingham and hear a few words from him, as if he were a friend who cared about her thoughts and experiences from the past week.
Ruth's mother had been the daughter of a poor curate in Norfolk, and, early left without parents or home, she was thankful to marry a respectable farmer a good deal older than herself. After their marriage, however, everything seemed to go wrong. Mrs Hilton fell into a delicate state of health, and was unable to bestow the ever-watchful attention to domestic affairs so requisite in a farmer's wife. Her husband had a series of misfortunes—of a more important kind than the death of a whole brood of turkeys from getting among the nettles, or the year of bad cheeses spoilt by a careless dairymaid—which were the consequences (so the neighbours said) of Mr Hilton's mistake in marrying a delicate, fine lady. His crops failed; his horses died; his barn took fire; in short, if he had been in any way a remarkable character, one might have supposed him to be the object of an avenging fate, so successive were the evils which pursued him; but as he was only a somewhat commonplace farmer, I believe we must attribute his calamities to some want in his character of the one quality required to act as keystone to many excellences. While his wife lived, all worldly misfortunes seemed as nothing to him; her strong sense and lively faculty of hope upheld him from despair; her sympathy was always ready, and the invalid's room had an atmosphere of peace and encouragement, which affected all who entered it. But when Ruth was about twelve, one morning in the busy hay-time, Mrs Hilton was left alone for some hours. This had often happened before, nor had she seemed weaker than usual when they had gone forth to the field; but on their return, with merry voices, to fetch the dinner prepared for the haymakers, they found an unusual silence brooding over the house; no low voice called out gently to welcome them, and ask after the day's progress; and, on entering the little parlour, which was called Mrs Hilton's, and was sacred to her, they found her lying dead on her accustomed sofa. Quite calm and peaceful she lay; there had been no struggle at last; the struggle was for the survivors, and one sank under it. Her husband did not make much ado at first—at least, not in outward show; her memory seemed to keep in check all external violence of grief; but, day by day, dating from his wife's death, his mental powers decreased. He was still a hale-looking elderly man, and his bodily health appeared as good as ever; but he sat for hours in his easy-chair, looking into the fire, not moving, nor speaking, unless when it was absolutely necessary to answer repeated questions. If Ruth, with coaxings and draggings, induced him to come out with her, he went with measured steps around his fields, his head bent to the ground with the same abstracted, unseeing look; never smiling—never changing the expression of his face, not even to one of deeper sadness, when anything occurred which might be supposed to remind him of his dead wife. But in this abstraction from all outward things, his worldly affairs went ever lower down. He paid money away, or received it, as if it had been so much water; the gold mines of Potosi could not have touched the deep grief of his soul; but God in His mercy knew the sure balm, and sent the Beautiful Messenger to take the weary one home.
Ruth's mother had been the daughter of a poor curate in Norfolk, and, having lost her parents and home early on, she was grateful to marry a respectable farmer who was much older than she was. After they married, though, everything seemed to go wrong. Mrs. Hilton's health declined, and she couldn’t provide the constant attention to home life that was necessary for a farmer's wife. Her husband faced a series of misfortunes—far more significant than losing a whole flock of turkeys to nettles or having bad cheese ruined by a careless dairymaid—which, according to the neighbors, were the result of Mr. Hilton's mistake in marrying a frail, delicate woman. His crops failed; his horses died; his barn caught fire; in short, if he had been a remarkable character, one might think he was cursed, as he was plagued by so many misfortunes. However, since he was just a fairly ordinary farmer, we must attribute his troubles to a lack of the one quality needed to hold many strengths together. While his wife was alive, all his worldly troubles seemed trivial; her strong sense and hopeful spirit kept him from despair. Her empathy was always there, and the sickroom had an atmosphere of peace and encouragement that affected everyone who entered. But when Ruth was about twelve, one morning during the busy hay season, Mrs. Hilton was left alone for a few hours. This had happened many times before, and she hadn’t seemed weaker than usual when they went out to work in the field. However, when they returned with cheerful voices to get the lunch prepared for the haymakers, they found an unusual silence hanging over the house; there was no soft voice welcoming them and asking about their day, and when they entered the little parlor, which Mrs. Hilton claimed as her own, they found her lying dead on her usual sofa. She looked calm and peaceful; there had been no struggle at the end—the struggle was for those left behind, and one couldn’t bear it. At first, her husband didn’t make much of a fuss—at least, not outwardly; her memory seemed to keep his grief in check. But, day by day, starting from the day of his wife's death, his mental abilities began to decline. He still looked like a healthy older man, and his physical health seemed as good as ever; but he sat for hours in his armchair, staring into the fire, not moving or speaking unless he absolutely had to answer questions. If Ruth, with coaxing and pulling, got him to come outside with her, he walked slowly around the fields, his head bent down with the same distant, unseeing expression; he never smiled, never changed his expression, not even to deeper sadness when something reminded him of his deceased wife. Yet, in this detachment from everything around him, his worldly affairs continued to slip away. He handed over money or accepted it as if it were just water; the gold mines of Potosi couldn’t compare to the deep grief in his heart; but God, in His mercy, knew the right remedy and sent the Beautiful Messenger to take the weary one home.
After his death, the creditors were the chief people who appeared to take any interest in the affairs; and it seemed strange to Ruth to see people, whom she scarcely knew, examining and touching all that she had been accustomed to consider as precious and sacred. Her father had made his will at her birth. With the pride of newly and late-acquired paternity, he had considered the office of guardian to his little darling as one which would have been an additional honour to the lord-lieutenant of the county; but as he had not the pleasure of his lordship's acquaintance, he selected the person of most consequence amongst those whom he did know; not any very ambitious appointment, in those days of comparative prosperity; but certainly the flourishing maltster of Skelton was a little surprised, when, fifteen years later, he learnt that he was executor to a will bequeathing many vanished hundreds of pounds, and guardian to a young girl whom he could not remember ever to have seen.
After his death, the creditors were the main people who showed any interest in the situation, and it felt strange to Ruth to see people she barely knew going through and handling everything she had always considered precious and sacred. Her father had made his will when she was born. With the pride of both new and experienced fatherhood, he viewed the role of guardian for his little girl as something that would have added honor to the lord-lieutenant of the county; but since he didn't have the pleasure of knowing his lordship, he chose the most important person among those he did know. It wasn't a very ambitious choice during those relatively prosperous times, but it certainly surprised the successful maltster of Skelton when, fifteen years later, he discovered that he was the executor of a will leaving behind many lost hundreds of pounds and the guardian of a young girl he could hardly remember ever having met.
He was a sensible, hard-headed man of the world; having a very fair proportion of conscience as consciences go; indeed, perhaps more than many people; for he had some ideas of duty extending to the circle beyond his own family; and did not, as some would have done, decline acting altogether, but speedily summoned the creditors, examined into the accounts, sold up the farming-stock, and discharged all the debts; paid about £80 into the Skelton bank for a week, while he inquired for a situation or apprenticeship of some kind for poor heart-broken Ruth; heard of Mrs Mason's; arranged all with her in two short conversations; drove over for Ruth in his gig; waited while she and the old servant packed up her clothes; and grew very impatient while she ran, with her eyes streaming with tears, round the garden, tearing off in a passion of love whole boughs of favourite China and damask roses, late flowering against the casement-window of what had been her mother's room. When she took her seat in the gig, she was little able, even if she had been inclined, to profit by her guardian's lectures on economy and self-reliance; but she was quiet and silent, looking forward with longing to the night-time, when, in her bedroom, she might give way to all her passionate sorrow at being wrenched from the home where she had lived with her parents, in that utter absence of any anticipation of change, which is either the blessing or the curse of childhood. But at night there were four other girls in her room, and she could not cry before them. She watched and waited till, one by one, they dropped off to sleep, and then she buried her face in the pillow, and shook with sobbing grief; and then she paused to conjure up, with fond luxuriance, every recollection of the happy days, so little valued in their uneventful peace while they lasted, so passionately regretted when once gone for ever; to remember every look and word of the dear mother, and to moan afresh over the change caused by her death;—the first clouding in of Ruth's day of life. It was Jenny's sympathy on this first night, when awakened by Ruth's irrepressible agony, that had made the bond between them. But Ruth's loving disposition, continually sending forth fibres in search of nutriment, found no other object for regard among those of her daily life to compensate for the want of natural ties.
He was a sensible, practical man; he had a decent amount of conscience, probably more than most people. He felt a sense of duty that extended beyond just his own family. Rather than opting out, he quickly gathered the creditors, took a good look at the accounts, sold off the farming equipment, and paid all the debts. He deposited about £80 in the Skelton bank for a week while he looked for a job or apprenticeship for poor, heartbroken Ruth. He heard about Mrs. Mason's place, worked everything out with her in two brief conversations, drove over to pick up Ruth in his carriage, and waited while she and the old servant packed her things. He grew increasingly impatient as she dashed around the garden, tears streaming down her face, tearing off whole branches of her beloved China and damask roses, blooming late against the window of what had been her mother's room. When she finally got into the carriage, she was barely able, even if she had wanted to, to pay attention to her guardian's advice on saving money and being independent. Instead, she sat quietly, longing for nighttime when, in her bedroom, she could fully express her deep sorrow at being ripped away from the home where she had lived with her parents, without any expectation of change—something that can either be a blessing or a curse of childhood. But at night, there were four other girls in her room, and she couldn’t cry in front of them. She watched and waited until they fell asleep one by one, then buried her face in the pillow and sobbed uncontrollably. She took a moment to bring back, with fondness, every memory of those happy days that seemed so insignificant while they lasted but were deeply missed once gone forever; recalling every look and word from her beloved mother, mourning once more the change brought on by her death—the first shadow over Ruth's life. It was Jenny's sympathy on that first night, when Ruth's uncontrollable grief woke her up, that created their bond. But Ruth’s loving nature, always reaching out for connection, didn’t find any other source of support in her daily life to replace the loss of her natural ties.
But, almost insensibly, Jenny's place in Ruth's heart was filled up; there was some one who listened with tender interest to all her little revelations; who questioned her about her early days of happiness, and, in return, spoke of his own childhood—not so golden in reality as Ruth's, but more dazzling, when recounted with stories of the beautiful cream-coloured Arabian pony, and the old picture-gallery in the house, and avenues, and terraces, and fountains in the garden, for Ruth to paint, with all the vividness of imagination, as scenery and background for the figure which was growing by slow degrees most prominent in her thoughts.
But, almost without her realizing it, Jenny's spot in Ruth's heart was taken up; there was someone who listened with genuine interest to all her little stories; who asked her about her early days of happiness, and, in return, shared his own childhood—not as perfect in reality as Ruth's, but more dazzling when he talked about the stunning cream-colored Arabian pony, the old picture gallery in his house, the tree-lined paths, terraces, and fountains in his garden, which Ruth could picture with all the vividness of imagination, creating the scenery and background for the figure that was slowly becoming the most prominent in her thoughts.
It must not be supposed that this was effected all at once, though the intermediate stages have been passed over. On Sunday, Mr Bellingham only spoke to her to receive the information about the panel; nor did he come to St Nicholas' the next, nor yet the following Sunday. But the third he walked by her side a little way, and, seeing her annoyance, he left her; and then she wished for him back again, and found the day very dreary, and wondered why a strange undefined feeling had made her imagine she was doing wrong in walking alongside of one so kind and good as Mr Bellingham; it had been very foolish of her to be self-conscious all the time, and if ever he spoke to her again she would not think of what people might say, but enjoy the pleasure which his kind words and evident interest in her might give. Then she thought it was very likely he never would notice her again, for she knew she had been very rude with her short answers; it was very provoking that she had behaved so rudely. She should be sixteen in another month, and she was still childish and awkward. Thus she lectured herself, after parting with Mr Bellingham; and the consequence was, that on the following Sunday she was ten times as blushing and conscious, and (Mr Bellingham thought) ten times more beautiful than ever. He suggested, that instead of going straight home through High-street, she should take the round by the Leasowes; at first she declined, but then, suddenly wondering and questioning herself why she refused a thing which was, as far as reason and knowledge (her knowledge) went, so innocent, and which was certainly so tempting and pleasant, she agreed to go the round; and when she was once in the meadows that skirted the town, she forgot all doubt and awkwardness—nay, almost forgot the presence of Mr Bellingham—in her delight at the new tender beauty of an early spring day in February. Among the last year's brown ruins, heaped together by the wind in the hedgerows, she found the fresh green crinkled leaves and pale star-like flowers of the primroses. Here and there a golden celandine made brilliant the sides of the little brook that (full of water in "February fill-dyke") bubbled along by the side of the path; the sun was low in the horizon, and once, when they came to a higher part of the Leasowes, Ruth burst into an exclamation of delight at the evening glory of mellow light which was in the sky behind the purple distance, while the brown leafless woods in the foreground derived an almost metallic lustre from the golden mist and haze of the sunset. It was but three-quarters of a mile round by the meadows, but somehow it took them an hour to walk it. Ruth turned to thank Mr Bellingham for his kindness in taking her home by this beautiful way, but his look of admiration at her glowing, animated face, made her suddenly silent; and, hardly wishing him good-bye, she quickly entered the house with a beating, happy, agitated heart.
It shouldn't be assumed that everything happened all at once, even though the intermediate steps have been skipped. On Sunday, Mr. Bellingham only talked to her to get information about the panel; he didn't come to St. Nicholas' the next Sunday or the one after that. But on the third Sunday, he walked a little way beside her, and when he noticed her annoyance, he left her side. After that, she found herself wishing he would come back, making the day feel very dull and wondering why an undefined feeling made her think she was doing something wrong walking alongside someone as kind and good as Mr. Bellingham. It had been quite foolish of her to be so self-conscious the whole time, and if he spoke to her again, she wouldn’t care about what others might think; she would just enjoy the pleasure his kind words and interest in her could bring. Then she worried he might never notice her again since she knew she had been quite rude with her short responses, which was really frustrating. She was turning sixteen next month, but still felt childish and awkward. So she lectured herself after parting with Mr. Bellingham. As a result, the following Sunday, she was ten times more blushing and self-aware, and (Mr. Bellingham thought) ten times more beautiful than ever. He suggested that instead of going straight home through High Street, she should take the longer route through the Leasowes. At first, she refused, but then suddenly started wondering why she was turning down something that was, as far as her knowledge went, so innocent and definitely so tempting and enjoyable. So, she agreed to take the longer path. Once she was in the meadows surrounding the town, she forgot all her doubts and awkwardness—almost forgetting Mr. Bellingham’s presence entirely—lost in the joy of the fresh, tender beauty of an early spring day in February. Among last year's brown remains, scattered by the wind in the hedgerows, she discovered the fresh green crinkled leaves and pale star-like flowers of the primroses. Here and there, golden celandines brightened the edges of the little brook that bubbled along the path. The sun was low on the horizon, and when they reached a higher point in the Leasowes, Ruth shouted in delight at the evening glow of soft light in the sky behind the purple distance, while the brown leafless woods in the foreground took on an almost metallic shine from the golden mist and haze of the sunset. It was only three-quarters of a mile around the meadows, but somehow it took them an hour to walk it. Ruth turned to thank Mr. Bellingham for his kindness in taking her home this beautiful way, but the look of admiration in his eyes for her glowing, animated face made her go silent all of a sudden. Instead of saying goodbye, she hurried into the house with a happy, racing heart.
"How strange it is," she thought that evening, "that I should feel as if this charming afternoon's walk were, somehow, not exactly wrong, but yet as if it were not right. Why can it be? I am not defrauding Mrs Mason of any of her time; that I know would be wrong; I am left to go where I like on Sundays. I have been to church, so it can't be because I have missed doing my duty. If I had gone this walk with Jenny, I wonder whether I should have felt as I do now. There must be something wrong in me, myself, to feel so guilty when I have done nothing which is not right; and yet I can thank God for the happiness I have had in this charming spring walk, which dear mamma used to say was a sign when pleasures were innocent and good for us."
"How strange it is," she thought that evening, "that I feel like this lovely afternoon walk is, in a way, not exactly wrong, but also not quite right. Why is that? I'm not taking any time away from Mrs. Mason; I know that would be wrong. I'm free to do what I want on Sundays. I've been to church, so it can't be because I've neglected my duty. If I had taken this walk with Jenny, I wonder if I would feel the same way. There must be something wrong with me to feel this guilty when I haven't done anything wrong; yet I can thank God for the joy I've experienced in this beautiful spring walk, which dear mom used to say was a sign that our pleasures were innocent and good for us."
She was not conscious, as yet, that Mr Bellingham's presence had added any charm to the ramble; and when she might have become aware of this, as, week after week, Sunday after Sunday, loitering ramble after loitering ramble succeeded each other, she was too much absorbed with one set of thoughts to have much inclination for self-questioning.
She wasn’t yet aware that Mr. Bellingham’s presence had brought any charm to their walks. And when she could have noticed this, as week after week, Sunday after Sunday, they continued their leisurely strolls, she was too caught up in her own thoughts to feel the need to question herself.
"Tell me everything, Ruth, as you would to a brother; let me help you, if I can, in your difficulties," he said to her one afternoon. And he really did try to understand, and to realise, how an insignificant and paltry person like Mason the dressmaker could be an object of dread, and regarded as a person having authority, by Ruth. He flamed up with indignation when, by way of impressing him with Mrs Mason's power and consequence, Ruth spoke of some instance of the effects of her employer's displeasure. He declared his mother should never have a gown made again by such a tyrant—such a Mrs Brownrigg; that he would prevent all his acquaintances from going to such a cruel dressmaker; till Ruth was alarmed at the threatened consequences of her one-sided account, and pleaded for Mrs Mason as earnestly as if a young man's menace of this description were likely to be literally fulfilled.
"Tell me everything, Ruth, like you would to a brother; let me help you, if I can, with your problems," he said to her one afternoon. He genuinely tried to understand how someone as insignificant and petty as Mason the dressmaker could be a source of fear and seen as someone with authority by Ruth. He became furious when, trying to emphasize Mrs. Mason's power and influence, Ruth mentioned an incident showing the consequences of her employer's anger. He insisted that his mother should never have another dress made by such a tyrant—such a Mrs. Brownrigg; that he would discourage all his friends from going to such a cruel dressmaker—until Ruth became worried about the potential fallout from her one-sided story and defended Mrs. Mason as passionately as if a young man's threats were really going to happen.
"Indeed, sir, I have been very wrong; if you please, sir, don't be so angry. She is often very good to us; it is only sometimes she goes into a passion; and we are very provoking, I dare say. I know I am for one. I have often to undo my work, and you can't think how it spoils anything (particularly silk) to be unpicked; and Mrs Mason has to bear all the blame. Oh! I am sorry I said anything about it. Don't speak to your mother about it, pray, sir. Mrs Mason thinks so much of Mrs Bellingham's custom."
"Honestly, sir, I was really wrong; please don’t be so mad. She’s usually very nice to us; it’s just that sometimes she gets really upset; and we can be quite annoying, I admit. I know I can be. I often have to redo my work, and you can’t imagine how much it ruins anything (especially silk) to be taken apart; and Mrs. Mason ends up taking all the heat. Oh! I regret saying anything about it. Please don’t mention it to your mom, sir. Mrs. Mason values Mrs. Bellingham’s business a lot."
"Well, I won't this time"—recollecting that there might be some awkwardness in accounting to his mother for the means by which he had obtained his very correct information as to what passed in Mrs Mason's workroom—"but if ever she does so again, I'll not answer for myself."
"Well, I won't this time"—remembering that there could be some awkwardness in explaining to his mother how he got his accurate information about what went on in Mrs. Mason's workroom—"but if she ever does it again, I can't promise how I'll react."
"I will take care and not tell again, sir," said Ruth, in a low voice.
"I'll be careful and won't mention it again, sir," said Ruth, in a quiet voice.
"Nay, Ruth, you are not going to have secrets from me, are you? Don't you remember your promise to consider me as a brother? Go on telling me everything that happens to you, pray; you cannot think how much interest I take in all your interests. I can quite fancy that charming home at Milham you told me about last Sunday. I can almost fancy Mrs Mason's workroom; and that, surely, is a proof either of the strength of my imagination, or of your powers of description."
"Nah, Ruth, you're not planning to keep secrets from me, right? Don't you remember your promise to think of me as a brother? Please keep sharing everything that happens to you; you have no idea how much I care about everything that matters to you. I can really picture that lovely home in Milham you told me about last Sunday. I can almost imagine Mrs. Mason's workroom; and that has to be proof of either my vivid imagination or your great way of describing things."
Ruth smiled. "It is, indeed, sir. Our workroom must be so different to anything you ever saw. I think you must have passed through Milham often on your way to Lowford."
Ruth smiled. "It really is, sir. Our workroom is probably nothing like anything you've seen before. I bet you've passed through Milham often on your way to Lowford."
"Then you don't think it is any stretch of fancy to have so clear an idea as I have of Milham Grange? On the left hand of the road, is it, Ruth?"
"Then you don’t think it’s a bit of a stretch to have such a clear picture of Milham Grange? It’s on the left side of the road, right, Ruth?"
"Yes, sir, just over the bridge, and up the hill where the elm-trees meet overhead and make a green shade; and then comes the dear old Grange, that I shall never see again."
"Yes, sir, just across the bridge, and up the hill where the elm trees connect overhead and create a green shade; and then you'll see the beloved old Grange that I will never visit again."
"Never! Nonsense, Ruthie; it is only six miles off; you may see it any day. It is not an hour's ride."
"Never! That's ridiculous, Ruthie; it's only six miles away; you can see it any day. It's not even an hour's ride."
"Perhaps I may see it again when I am grown old; I did not think exactly what 'never' meant; it is so very long since I was there, and I don't see any chance of my going for years and years, at any rate."
"Maybe I'll see it again when I'm old; I didn’t really understand what 'never' meant; it’s been such a long time since I was there, and I don’t see any chance of going back for years and years, anyway."
"Why, Ruth, you—we may go next Sunday afternoon, if you like."
"Why, Ruth, we can go next Sunday afternoon if you want."
She looked up at him with a lovely light of pleasure in her face at the idea. "How, sir? Can I walk it between afternoon service and the time Mrs Mason comes home? I would go for only one glimpse; but if I could get into the house—oh, sir! if I could just see mamma's room again!"
She looked up at him with a beautiful smile of happiness on her face at the thought. "How, sir? Can I go there between the afternoon service and when Mrs. Mason comes home? I would only go for a quick look; but if I could get into the house—oh, sir! if I could just see Mom’s room again!"
He was revolving plans in his head for giving her this pleasure, and he had also his own in view. If they went in any of his carriages, the loitering charm of the walk would be lost; and they must, to a certain degree, be encumbered by, and exposed to, the notice of servants.
He was thinking about ways to make her happy, and he had his own interests in mind too. If they took any of his carriages, they would miss out on the leisurely charm of walking; plus, they would have to deal with the presence and attention of the servants.
"Are you a good walker, Ruth? Do you think you can manage six miles? If we set off at two o'clock, we shall be there by four, without hurrying; or say half-past four. Then we might stay two hours, and you could show me all the old walks and old places you love, and we could still come leisurely home. Oh, it's all arranged directly!"
"Are you a good walker, Ruth? Do you think you can handle six miles? If we leave at two o'clock, we should get there by four, without rushing; or let’s say half-past four. Then we could stay for two hours, and you could show me all the old paths and spots you love, and we could still take our time getting home. Oh, it’s all settled right now!"
"But do you think it would be right, sir? It seems as if it would be such a great pleasure, that it must be in some way wrong."
"But do you think it would be okay, sir? It feels like it would be such a great pleasure that it must be somehow wrong."
"Why, you little goose, what can be wrong in it?"
"Why, you silly goose, what's wrong with it?"
"In the first place, I miss going to church by setting out at two," said Ruth, a little gravely.
"In the first place, I miss going to church by leaving at two," said Ruth, a bit seriously.
"Only for once. Surely you don't see any harm in missing church for once? You will go in the morning, you know."
"Just this once. Surely you don't see any problem with skipping church this one time? You'll go in the morning, right?"
"I wonder if Mrs Mason would think it right—if she would allow it?"
"I wonder if Mrs. Mason would consider it okay—if she would let it happen?"
"No, I dare say not. But you don't mean to be governed by Mrs Mason's notions of right and wrong. She thought it right to treat that poor girl Palmer in the way you told me about. You would think that wrong, you know, and so would every one of sense and feeling. Come, Ruth, don't pin your faith on any one, but judge for yourself. The pleasure is perfectly innocent; it is not a selfish pleasure either, for I shall enjoy it to the full as much as you will. I shall like to see the places where you spent your childhood; I shall almost love them as much as you do." He had dropped his voice; and spoke in low, persuasive tones. Ruth hung down her head, and blushed with exceeding happiness; but she could not speak, even to urge her doubts afresh. Thus it was in a manner settled.
"No, I don’t think so. But you shouldn’t let Mrs. Mason’s ideas of right and wrong control you. She believed it was right to treat that poor girl Palmer the way you told me about. You would see that as wrong, and so would anyone with common sense and empathy. Come on, Ruth, don’t rely on anyone else; judge for yourself. The enjoyment is completely innocent; it’s not a selfish pleasure either, because I’ll enjoy it just as much as you will. I’m excited to see the places where you spent your childhood; I’ll almost love them as much as you do." He lowered his voice and spoke in soft, persuasive tones. Ruth looked down, blushing with overwhelming happiness, but she couldn’t speak, not even to voice her doubts again. In this way, it was more or less settled.
How delightfully happy the plan made her through the coming week! She was too young when her mother died to have received any cautions or words of advice respecting the subject of a woman's life—if, indeed, wise parents ever directly speak of what, in its depth and power, cannot be put into words—which is a brooding spirit with no definite form or shape that men should know it, but which is there, and present before we have recognised and realised its existence. Ruth was innocent and snow-pure. She had heard of falling in love, but did not know the signs and symptoms thereof; nor, indeed, had she troubled her head much about them. Sorrow had filled up her days, to the exclusion of all lighter thoughts than the consideration of present duties, and the remembrance of the happy time which had been. But the interval of blank, after the loss of her mother and during her father's life-in-death, had made her all the more ready to value and cling to sympathy—first from Jenny, and now from Mr Bellingham. To see her home again, and to see it with him; to show him (secure of his interest) the haunts of former times, each with its little tale of the past—of dead and gone events!—No coming shadow threw its gloom over this week's dream of happiness—a dream which was too bright to be spoken about to common and indifferent ears.
How incredibly happy the plan made her throughout the coming week! She was too young when her mother passed away to have received any warnings or advice about the subject of a woman's life—if, in fact, wise parents ever openly discuss what, in its depth and power, can't be put into words—which is a lingering feeling without a clear form or shape that men should understand, yet it exists, present before we even recognize and acknowledge it. Ruth was innocent and pure as snow. She had heard about falling in love but didn't know the signs or symptoms; indeed, she hadn't really concerned herself with them. Grief had occupied her days, leaving little room for lighter thoughts apart from focusing on her current responsibilities and remembering the happier times that had passed. However, the blank period after losing her mother and during her father's struggles had made her all the more appreciative of and attached to kindness—first from Jenny, and now from Mr. Bellingham. To be back home with him; to show him (knowing he was interested) the places from her past, each with its own little story of what had once happened! No shadow loomed over this week’s dream of happiness—a dream too bright to share with ordinary and indifferent listeners.
CHAPTER IV
Treading in Perilous Places
Sunday came, as brilliant as if there were no sorrow, or death, or guilt in the world; a day or two of rain had made the earth fresh and brave as the blue heavens above. Ruth thought it was too strong a realisation of her hopes, and looked for an over-clouding at noon; but the glory endured, and at two o'clock she was in the Leasowes, with a beating heart full of joy, longing to stop the hours, which would pass too quickly through the afternoon.
Sunday arrived, shining as if there were no sadness, death, or guilt in the world; a day or two of rain had made the earth fresh and bold like the blue skies above. Ruth thought it was too intense a realization of her hopes and expected a cloud to roll in by noon; but the beauty lasted, and by two o'clock she found herself in the Leasowes, her heart racing with joy, wishing to pause the hours that would fly by too quickly through the afternoon.
They sauntered through the fragrant lanes, as if their loitering would prolong the time, and check the fiery-footed steeds galloping apace towards the close of the happy day. It was past five o'clock before they came to the great mill-wheel, which stood in Sabbath idleness, motionless in a brown mass of shade, and still wet with yesterday's immersion in the deep transparent water beneath. They clambered the little hill, not yet fully shaded by the overarching elms; and then Ruth checked Mr Bellingham, by a slight motion of the hand which lay within his arm, and glanced up into his face to see what that face should express as it looked on Milham Grange, now lying still and peaceful in its afternoon shadows. It was a house of after-thoughts; building materials were plentiful in the neighbourhood, and every successive owner had found a necessity for some addition or projection, till it was a picturesque mass of irregularity—of broken light and shadow—which, as a whole, gave a full and complete idea of a "Home." All its gables and nooks were blended and held together by the tender green of the climbing roses and young creepers. An old couple were living in the house until it should be let, but they dwelt in the back part, and never used the front door; so the little birds had grown tame and familiar, and perched upon the window-sills and porch, and on the old stone cistern which caught the water from the roof.
They wandered through the fragrant paths, as if their aimless stroll would stretch out time and slow down the speedy horses racing toward the end of the beautiful day. It was after five o'clock when they reached the large millwheel, sitting idle in the Sabbath stillness, motionless in a dark patch of shade and still damp from yesterday's soaking in the clear water below. They climbed the small hill, not yet fully shaded by the tall elms overhead; then Ruth paused Mr. Bellingham with a slight gesture of her hand resting on his arm and looked up at his face to see how he reacted to the sight of Milham Grange, now peaceful and quiet in the afternoon light. It was a house built from reflections; building materials were abundant in the area, and every new owner felt the need for some extension or alteration, resulting in a picturesque jumble of irregularity—of shifting light and shadow—which altogether conveyed a complete sense of a "Home." All its gables and alcoves were intertwined and held together by the delicate green of climbing roses and young vines. An elderly couple lived in the house until it could be rented out, but they stayed in the back part and never used the front door; so, the little birds had become tame and friendly, perching on the window sills and porch, and on the old stone cistern that collected rainwater from the roof.
They went silently through the untrimmed garden, full of the pale-coloured flowers of spring. A spider had spread her web over the front door. The sight of this conveyed a sense of desolation to Ruth's heart; she thought it was possible the state entrance had never been used since her father's dead body had been borne forth, and, without speaking a word, she turned abruptly away, and went round the house to another door. Mr Bellingham followed without questioning, little understanding her feelings, but full of admiration for the varying expression called out upon her face.
They walked quietly through the overgrown garden, filled with the light-colored flowers of spring. A spider had spun her web over the front door. Seeing this filled Ruth's heart with a sense of emptiness; she thought it was likely that the main entrance hadn’t been used since her father’s dead body had been carried out, and without saying a word, she turned sharply away and made her way around the house to another door. Mr. Bellingham followed without asking questions, not fully grasping her emotions but deeply admiring the shifting expressions on her face.
The old woman had not yet returned from church, or from the weekly
gossip or neighbourly tea which succeeded. The husband sat in the
kitchen, spelling the psalms for the day in his Prayer-book, and
reading the words out aloud—a habit he had acquired from the double
solitude of his life, for he was deaf. He did not hear the quiet
entrance of the pair, and they were struck with the sort of ghostly
echo which seems to haunt half-furnished and uninhabited houses. The
verses he was reading were the following:
The old woman hadn't come back from church yet, or from the weekly gossip session or neighborly tea that followed. The husband was in the kitchen, reading the psalms for the day in his Prayer book, saying the words out loud—a habit he picked up from the solitude of his life, since he was deaf. He didn't notice the quiet arrival of the couple, and they were taken aback by the kind of eerie echo that lingers in half-furnished and empty houses. The verses he was reading were these:
Why art thou so vexed, O my soul: and why art thou so disquieted within me?
Why are you so troubled, my soul, and why are you so restless inside me?
O put thy trust in God: for I will yet thank him, which is the help of my countenance, and my God.
Put your trust in God, for I will continue to thank Him; He is the source of my confidence and my God.
And when he had finished he shut the book, and sighed with the satisfaction of having done his duty. The words of holy trust, though perhaps they were not fully understood, carried a faithful peace down into the depths of his soul. As he looked up, he saw the young couple standing on the middle of the floor. He pushed his iron-rimmed spectacles on to his forehead, and rose to greet the daughter of his old master and ever-honoured mistress.
And when he finished, he closed the book and sighed with the satisfaction of having done his duty. The words of sacred trust, even if not fully understood, brought a deep sense of peace to his soul. When he looked up, he saw the young couple standing in the middle of the room. He pushed his iron-framed glasses up to his forehead and stood to greet the daughter of his old master and ever-honored mistress.
"God bless thee, lass; God bless thee! My old eyes are glad to see thee again."
"God bless you, girl; God bless you! My old eyes are happy to see you again."
Ruth sprang forward to shake the horny hand stretched forward in the action of blessing. She pressed it between both of hers, as she rapidly poured out questions. Mr Bellingham was not altogether comfortable at seeing one whom he had already begun to appropriate as his own, so tenderly familiar with a hard-featured, meanly-dressed day-labourer. He sauntered to the window, and looked out into the grass-grown farm-yard; but he could not help overhearing some of the conversation, which seemed to him carried on too much in the tone of equality. "And who's yon?" asked the old labourer at last. "Is he your sweetheart? Your missis's son, I reckon. He's a spruce young chap, anyhow."
Ruth stepped forward to shake the rough hand extended in a blessing. She held it between hers while quickly firing off questions. Mr. Bellingham felt a bit uneasy seeing someone he had already started to claim as his own being so casually familiar with a rough-looking, poorly dressed laborer. He strolled over to the window and looked out at the overgrown farmyard; however, he couldn't help but overhear parts of the conversation, which struck him as being too friendly. "And who's that?" asked the old laborer finally. "Is he your boyfriend? Your lady's son, I guess. He's a sharp-looking young guy, anyway."
Mr Bellingham's "blood of all the Howards" rose and tingled about his ears, so that he could not hear Ruth's answer. It began by "Hush, Thomas; pray hush!" but how it went on he did not catch. The idea of his being Mrs Mason's son! It was really too ridiculous; but, like most things which are "too ridiculous," it made him very angry. He was hardly himself again when Ruth shyly came to the window-recess and asked him if he would like to see the house-place, into which the front door entered; many people thought it very pretty, she said, half timidly, for his face had unconsciously assumed a hard and haughty expression, which he could not instantly soften down. He followed her, however; but before he left the kitchen he saw the old man standing, looking at Ruth's companion with a strange, grave air of dissatisfaction.
Mr. Bellingham's "blood of all the Howards" surged and buzzed in his ears, making it impossible for him to hear Ruth's response. It started with "Hush, Thomas; please hush!" but he didn’t catch how it continued. The thought of him being Mrs. Mason's son! It was just too absurd; yet, like most things that are "too absurd," it made him really angry. He was hardly himself again when Ruth quietly came to the window nook and asked him if he’d like to see the main room, which you entered through the front door; many people found it very pretty, she said, half shyly, because his face had unconsciously taken on a hard and proud expression that he couldn’t instantly soften. He followed her, though; but before he left the kitchen, he noticed the old man standing, looking at Ruth’s companion with a strange, serious air of dissatisfaction.
They went along one or two zigzag, damp-smelling stone passages, and then entered the house-place, or common sitting-room for a farmer's family in that part of the country. The front door opened into it, and several other apartments issued out of it, such as the dairy, the state bedroom (which was half-parlour as well), and a small room which had been appropriated to the late Mrs Hilton, where she sat, or more frequently lay, commanding through the open door the comings and goings of her household. In those days the house-place had been a cheerful room, full of life, with the passing to and fro of husband, child, and servants; with a great merry wood fire crackling and blazing away every evening, and hardly let out in the very heat of summer; for with the thick stone walls, and the deep window-seats, and the drapery of vine-leaves and ivy, that room, with its flag-floor, seemed always to want the sparkle and cheery warmth of a fire. But now the green shadows from without seemed to have become black in the uninhabited desolation. The oaken shovel-board, the heavy dresser, and the carved cupboards, were now dull and damp, which were formerly polished up to the brightness of a looking-glass where the fire-blaze was for ever glinting; they only added to the oppressive gloom; the flag-floor was wet with heavy moisture. Ruth stood gazing into the room, seeing nothing of what was present. She saw a vision of former days—an evening in the days of her childhood; her father sitting in the "master's corner" near the fire, sedately smoking his pipe, while he dreamily watched his wife and child; her mother reading to her, as she sat on a little stool at her feet. It was gone—all gone into the land of shadows; but for the moment it seemed so present in the old room, that Ruth believed her actual life to be the dream. Then, still silent, she went on into her mother's parlour. But there, the bleak look of what had once been full of peace and mother's love, struck cold on her heart. She uttered a cry, and threw herself down by the sofa, hiding her face in her hands, while her frame quivered with her repressed sobs.
They walked through a couple of damp-smelling, winding stone passages and then entered the main room, which served as the common sitting area for a farmer's family in that region. The front door opened directly into this space, and several other rooms branched off from it, like the dairy, the main bedroom (which was also half-parlor), and a small room that had belonged to the late Mrs. Hilton, where she would sit, or more often lie, watching the comings and goings of her household through the open door. Back then, the main room had been a lively spot, filled with the bustle of husband, child, and servants; a large, cheerful wood fire crackled and blazed every evening, hardly ever going out even in the heat of summer. With its thick stone walls, deep window seats, and draped with vine leaves and ivy, that room, with its flagstone floor, always seemed to crave the sparkle and warmth of a fire. But now, the green shadows from outside appeared to have turned black in the empty desolation. The oak shovel-board, the heavy dresser, and the carved cupboards were now dull and damp, once polished to a shine like a mirror reflecting the fire's glow; they only contributed to the overwhelming gloom, and the flagstone floor was wet with heavy moisture. Ruth stood there, gazing into the room, seeing none of its current state. Instead, she envisioned days gone by—an evening from her childhood; her father sitting in the "master’s corner" near the fire, calmly smoking his pipe while he dreamily watched his wife and child; her mother reading to her as she sat on a small stool at her feet. It was all gone—completely lost to the shadows; but for a moment, it felt so real in the old room that Ruth thought her current life was the dream. Then, still silent, she walked into her mother’s parlor. But there, the starkness of what had once been filled with peace and maternal love chilled her heart. She let out a cry and collapsed by the sofa, hiding her face in her hands as her body shook with suppressed sobs.
"Dearest Ruth, don't give way so. It can do no good; it cannot bring back the dead," said Mr Bellingham, distressed at witnessing her distress.
"Dear Ruth, don't lose control like this. It won’t help; it can't bring back the dead," said Mr. Bellingham, upset at seeing her in pain.
"I know it cannot," murmured Ruth; "and that is why I cry. I cry because nothing will ever bring them back again." She sobbed afresh, but more gently, for his kind words soothed her, and softened, if they could not take away, her sense of desolation.
"I know it can’t," Ruth whispered. "That’s why I’m crying. I cry because nothing will ever bring them back." She sobbed again, but more softly, because his kind words comforted her and eased, if they couldn’t completely remove, her feeling of emptiness.
"Come away; I cannot have you stay here, full of painful associations as these rooms must be. Come"—raising her with gentle violence—"show me your little garden you have often told me about. Near the window of this very room, is it not? See how well I remember everything you tell me."
"Come on; I can’t let you stay here—this place is full of painful memories. Come"—lifting her up gently—"show me that little garden you’ve talked about so often. It’s right near the window of this room, isn’t it? See how well I remember everything you tell me."
He led her round through the back part of the house into the pretty old-fashioned garden. There was a sunny border just under the windows, and clipped box and yew-trees by the grass-plat, further away from the house; and she prattled again of her childish adventures and solitary plays. When they turned round they saw the old man, who had hobbled out with the help of his stick, and was looking at them with the same grave, sad look of anxiety.
He guided her through the back of the house into the charming, vintage garden. There was a sunny flower bed right under the windows, and neatly trimmed box and yew trees near the grassy area, farther from the house; she chatted again about her childhood adventures and solitary games. When they turned around, they saw the old man, who had shuffled out with the help of his cane, watching them with the same serious, worried expression.
Mr Bellingham spoke rather sharply:
Mr. Bellingham spoke quite sharply:
"Why does that old man follow us about in that way? It is excessively impertinent of him, I think."
"Why is that old man following us like that? I think it’s really rude of him."
"Oh, don't call old Thomas impertinent. He is so good and kind, he is like a father to me. I remember sitting on his knee many and many a time when I was a child, whilst he told me stories out of the 'Pilgrim's Progress.' He taught me to suck up milk through a straw. Mamma was very fond of him too. He used to sit with us always in the evenings when papa was away at market, for mamma was rather afraid of having no man in the house, and used to beg old Thomas to stay; and he would take me on his knee, and listen just as attentively as I did while mamma read aloud."
"Oh, don't call old Thomas rude. He’s so good and kind; he’s like a father to me. I remember sitting on his lap many times as a kid while he told me stories from 'Pilgrim's Progress.' He even taught me how to drink milk through a straw. Mom liked him a lot too. He would always sit with us in the evenings when dad was away at the market because mom was a bit scared to be alone in the house, and she would ask old Thomas to stay; and he would hold me on his lap and listen just as attentively as I did while mom read aloud."
"You don't mean to say you have sat upon that old fellow's knee?"
"You can't be serious that you've sat on that old guy's knee?"
"Oh, yes! many and many a time."
"Oh, yes! So many times."
Mr Bellingham looked graver than he had done while witnessing Ruth's passionate emotion in her mother's room. But he lost his sense of indignity in admiration of his companion as she wandered among the flowers, seeking for favourite bushes or plants, to which some history or remembrance was attached. She wound in and out in natural, graceful, wavy lines between the luxuriant and overgrown shrubs, which were fragrant with a leafy smell of spring growth; she went on, careless of watching eyes, indeed unconscious, for the time, of their existence. Once she stopped to take hold of a spray of jessamine, and softly kiss it; it had been her mother's favourite flower.
Mr. Bellingham looked more serious than he had while watching Ruth's intense emotions in her mother's room. But he forgot his indignation as he admired her wandering among the flowers, searching for her favorite bushes or plants, each tied to some memory or story. She moved gracefully in and out of the lush, overgrown shrubs, which were filled with the fresh scent of spring; she continued on, unconcerned about anyone watching her, completely unaware of their presence for the moment. At one point, she paused to grab a sprig of jasmine and gently kissed it; it had been her mother's favorite flower.
Old Thomas was standing by the horse-mount, and was also an observer of all her goings-on. But, while Mr Bellingham's feeling was that of passionate admiration mingled with a selfish kind of love, the old man gazed with tender anxiety, and his lips moved in words of blessing:
Old Thomas was standing by the horse mount, watching everything she did. But while Mr. Bellingham felt a mix of intense admiration and a selfish kind of love, the old man looked on with gentle concern, quietly saying words of blessing.
"She's a pretty creature, with a glint of her mother about her; and she's the same kind lass as ever. Not a bit set up with yon fine manty-maker's shop she's in. I misdoubt that young fellow though, for all she called him a real gentleman, and checked me when I asked if he was her sweetheart. If his are not sweetheart's looks, I've forgotten all my young days. Here! they're going, I suppose. Look! he wants her to go without a word to the old man; but she is none so changed as that, I reckon."
"She's a lovely girl, with a hint of her mother in her; and she's just as kind as ever. She hasn't let the fancy dressmaker's shop she works in go to her head at all. But I have my doubts about that young man, even though she called him a real gentleman and corrected me when I asked if he was her boyfriend. If he doesn't have the looks of a romantic interest, then I've forgotten all my younger days. Look! They seem to be leaving now. It seems like he wants her to go without saying anything to the old man, but I don't think she's that changed."
Not Ruth, indeed! She never perceived the dissatisfied expression of Mr Bellingham's countenance, visible to the old man's keen eye; but came running up to Thomas to send her love to his wife, and to shake him many times by the hand.
Not Ruth, for sure! She never noticed the unhappy look on Mr. Bellingham's face, which was obvious to the old man's sharp gaze; instead, she came running up to Thomas to send her love to his wife and shook his hand multiple times.
"Tell Mary I'll make her such a fine gown, as soon as ever I set up for myself; it shall be all in the fashion, big gigot sleeves, that she shall not know herself in them! Mind you tell her that, Thomas, will you?"
"Tell Mary I'll make her an amazing gown as soon as I start my own business; it'll be totally in style, with big puffed sleeves, that she won't even recognize herself in them! Make sure you tell her that, Thomas, okay?"
"Aye, that I will, lass; and I reckon she'll be pleased to hear thou hast not forgotten thy old merry ways. The Lord bless thee—the Lord lift up the light of His countenance upon thee."
"Yes, I will, girl; and I think she’ll be happy to hear that you haven’t forgotten your old cheerful ways. May the Lord bless you—may the Lord shine His light upon you."
Ruth was half-way towards the impatient Mr Bellingham when her old friend called her back. He longed to give her a warning of the danger that he thought she was in, and yet he did not know how. When she came up, all he could think of to say was a text; indeed, the language of the Bible was the language in which he thought, whenever his ideas went beyond practical everyday life into expressions of emotion or feeling. "My dear, remember the devil goeth about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour; remember that, Ruth."
Ruth was halfway to the impatient Mr. Bellingham when her old friend called her back. He wanted to warn her about the danger he thought she was in, but he didn't know how to do it. When she reached him, all he could come up with to say was a quote; in fact, he often found himself thinking in the language of the Bible whenever his thoughts went beyond everyday practicality into emotions or feelings. "My dear, remember that the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour; keep that in mind, Ruth."
The words fell on her ear, but gave no definite idea. The utmost they suggested was the remembrance of the dread she felt as a child when this verse came into her mind, and how she used to imagine a lion's head with glaring eyes peering out of the bushes in a dark shady part of the wood, which, for this reason, she had always avoided, and even now could hardly think of without a shudder. She never imagined that the grim warning related to the handsome young man who awaited her with a countenance beaming with love, and tenderly drew her hand within his arm.
The words reached her ears, but they didn’t make much sense. The most they brought to mind was the fear she felt as a child when this verse popped into her head, and how she used to picture a lion’s head with glowing eyes staring out from the bushes in a dark, shady part of the woods, which she had always steered clear of and still found hard to think about without a shiver. She never considered that the ominous warning was connected to the handsome young man waiting for her with a loving smile, gently taking her hand and placing it in his arm.
The old man sighed as he watched them away. "The Lord may help her to guide her steps aright. He may. But I'm afeard she's treading in perilous places. I'll put my missis up to going to the town and getting speech of her, and telling her a bit of her danger. An old motherly woman like our Mary will set about it better nor a stupid fellow like me."
The old man sighed as he watched them leave. "God may help her to find her way. He might. But I'm afraid she's wandering into dangerous territory. I'll ask my wife to go to town and talk to her, to warn her about her risks. An experienced, caring woman like our Mary will handle it better than a clueless guy like me."
The poor old labourer prayed long and earnestly that night for Ruth. He called it "wrestling for her soul;" and I think his prayers were heard, for "God judgeth not as man judgeth."
The poor old laborer prayed long and hard that night for Ruth. He referred to it as "wrestling for her soul;" and I believe his prayers were heard, for "God judges not as man judges."
Ruth went on her way, all unconscious of the dark phantoms of the future that were gathering around her; her melancholy turned, with the pliancy of childish years, at sixteen not yet lost, into a softened manner which was infinitely charming. By-and-by she cleared up into sunny happiness. The evening was still and full of mellow light, and the new-born summer was so delicious that, in common with all young creatures, she shared its influence and was glad.
Ruth went on her way, completely unaware of the dark shadows of the future that were closing in around her; her sadness shifted, with the flexibility of youthful innocence, at sixteen still not lost, into a softened demeanor that was incredibly charming. Before long, she brightened up into joyful happiness. The evening was calm and filled with warm light, and the fresh summer was so wonderful that, like all young beings, she felt its effect and was happy.
They stood together at the top of a steep ascent, "the hill" of the hundred. At the summit there was a level space, sixty or seventy yards square, of unenclosed and broken ground, over which the golden bloom of the gorse cast a rich hue, while its delicious scent perfumed the fresh and nimble air. On one side of this common, the ground sloped down to a clear bright pond, in which were mirrored the rough sand-cliffs that rose abrupt on the opposite bank; hundreds of martens found a home there, and were now wheeling over the transparent water, and dipping in their wings in their evening sport. Indeed, all sorts of birds seemed to haunt the lonely pool; the water-wagtails were scattered around its margin, the linnets perched on the topmost sprays of the gorse-bushes, and other hidden warblers sang their vespers on the uneven ground beyond. On the far side of the green waste, close by the road, and well placed for the requirements of horses or their riders who might be weary with the ascent of the hill, there was a public-house, which was more of a farm than an inn. It was a long, low building, rich in dormer-windows on the weather side, which were necessary in such an exposed situation, and with odd projections and unlooked-for gables on every side; there was a deep porch in front, on whose hospitable benches a dozen persons might sit and enjoy the balmy air. A noble sycamore grew right before the house, with seats all round it ("such tents the patriarchs loved"); and a nondescript sign hung from a branch on the side next to the road, which, being wisely furnished with an interpretation, was found to mean King Charles in the oak.
They stood together at the top of a steep climb, "the hill" of the hundred. At the summit, there was a flat area, about sixty or seventy yards square, of open and uneven ground, where the golden bloom of the gorse added a rich color, while its lovely scent filled the fresh, brisk air. On one side of this common, the ground sloped down to a clear, bright pond, which reflected the rough sand cliffs rising sharply on the opposite bank; hundreds of martens made their home there, now swooping over the clear water and dipping their wings in evening play. In fact, all kinds of birds seemed to come to this lonely pool; water-wagtails were scattered along its edge, linnets perched on the highest branches of the gorse bushes, and other hidden songbirds sang their evening songs on the uneven ground beyond. On the far side of the green area, near the road and well placed for the needs of horses or their riders who might be tired from climbing the hill, there was a pub that was more like a farm than an inn. It was a long, low building, adorned with dormer windows on the exposed side, necessary for such a location, and it had quirky projections and unexpected gables on every side; there was a deep porch in front, with hospitable benches where a dozen people could sit and enjoy the pleasant air. A majestic sycamore tree grew right in front of the house, with seating all around it ("such tents the patriarchs loved"); and a nondescript sign hung from a branch on the road side, which, when wisely interpreted, was found to mean King Charles in the oak.
Near this comfortable, quiet, unfrequented inn, there was another pond, for household and farm-yard purposes, from which the cattle were drinking, before returning to the fields after they had been milked. Their very motions were so lazy and slow, that they served to fill up the mind with the sensation of dreamy rest. Ruth and Mr Bellingham plunged through the broken ground to regain the road near the wayside inn. Hand-in-hand, now pricked by the far-spreading gorse, now ankle-deep in sand; now pressing the soft, thick heath, which should make so brave an autumn show; and now over wild thyme and other fragrant herbs, they made their way, with many a merry laugh. Once on the road, at the summit, Ruth stood silent, in breathless delight at the view before her. The hill fell suddenly down into the plain, extending for a dozen miles or more. There was a clump of dark Scotch firs close to them, which cut clear against the western sky, and threw back the nearest levels into distance. The plain below them was richly wooded, and was tinted by the young tender hues of the earliest summer, for all the trees of the wood had donned their leaves except the cautious ash, which here and there gave a soft, pleasant greyness to the landscape. Far away in the champaign were spires, and towers, and stacks of chimneys belonging to some distant hidden farm-house, which were traced downwards through the golden air by the thin columns of blue smoke sent up from the evening fires. The view was bounded by some rising ground in deep purple shadow against the sunset sky.
Near this cozy, quiet, rarely visited inn, there was another pond for household and farm use, where the cattle were drinking before heading back to the fields after they had been milked. Their movements were so lazy and slow that they created a feeling of dreamy relaxation. Ruth and Mr. Bellingham made their way through the uneven ground to get back to the road near the roadside inn. Hand in hand, they navigated through the spreading gorse, ankle-deep in sand, pressing through the soft, thick heath that promised a beautiful autumn display, and over wild thyme and other fragrant herbs, sharing many cheerful laughs. Once on the road, at the top of the hill, Ruth stood quietly, breathless with delight at the view before her. The hill dropped suddenly into the plain that stretched out for miles. Nearby, a cluster of dark Scotch firs stood out against the western sky, adding depth to the landscape. The plain below was richly wooded and painted with the soft colors of early summer, as all the trees had put on their leaves except for the cautious ash, which added a gentle grey to the scenery here and there. In the distance, there were church spires, towers, and chimney stacks from some hidden farmhouse, with thin columns of blue smoke rising from the evening fires, tracing down through the golden air. The view was framed by rising land in deep purple shadow against the sunset sky.
When first they stopped, silent with sighing pleasure, the air seemed full of pleasant noises; distant church-bells made harmonious music with the little singing-birds near at hand; nor were the lowings of the cattle, nor the calls of the farm-servants discordant, for the voices seemed to be hushed by the brooding consciousness of the Sabbath. They stood loitering before the house, quietly enjoying the view. The clock in the little inn struck eight, and it sounded clear and sharp in the stillness.
When they first stopped, filled with quiet pleasure, the air felt full of nice sounds; distant church bells created a harmonious blend with the little singing birds nearby; and the mooing of the cattle and the calls of the farm workers weren't jarring, as their voices seemed softened by the calm awareness of Sunday. They lingered in front of the house, quietly taking in the view. The clock in the small inn struck eight, and it rang clearly in the stillness.
"Can it be so late?" asked Ruth.
"Is it really that late?" asked Ruth.
"I should not have thought it possible," answered Mr Bellingham. "But, never mind, you will be at home long before nine. Stay, there is a shorter road, I know, through the fields; just wait a moment, while I go in and ask the exact way." He dropped Ruth's arm, and went into the public-house.
"I never thought this was possible," replied Mr. Bellingham. "But don't worry, you'll be home long before nine. Hold on, I know a quicker route through the fields; just wait a second while I go inside and ask for directions." He released Ruth's arm and stepped into the pub.
A gig had been slowly toiling up the sandy hill behind, unperceived by the young couple, and now it reached the table-land, and was close upon them as they separated. Ruth turned round, when the sound of the horse's footsteps came distinctly as he reached the level. She faced Mrs Mason!
A cart had been slowly making its way up the sandy hill behind them, unnoticed by the young couple, and now it had reached the flat area and was right next to them as they parted ways. Ruth turned around when the sound of the horse's footsteps became clear as it reached the top. She was facing Mrs. Mason!
They were not ten—no, not five yards apart. At the same moment they recognised each other, and, what was worse, Mrs Mason had clearly seen, with her sharp, needle-like eyes, the attitude in which Ruth had stood with the young man who had just quitted her. Ruth's hand had been lying in his arm, and fondly held there by his other hand.
They were not even ten—no, not five yards apart. At the same moment, they recognized each other, and, even worse, Mrs. Mason had clearly noticed, with her sharp, piercing eyes, the way Ruth had been positioned with the young man who had just left her. Ruth’s hand had been resting on his arm, and he had been holding it there fondly with his other hand.
Mrs Mason was careless about the circumstances of temptation into which the girls entrusted to her as apprentices were thrown, but severely intolerant if their conduct was in any degree influenced by the force of these temptations. She called this intolerance "keeping up the character of her establishment." It would have been a better and more Christian thing, if she had kept up the character of her girls by tender vigilance and maternal care.
Mrs. Mason was indifferent to the situations of temptation that the girls she supervised as apprentices faced, but she was extremely harsh if their behavior was in any way affected by those temptations. She referred to this harshness as "maintaining the reputation of her establishment." It would have been more compassionate and truly Christian for her to uphold the reputation of her girls through gentle supervision and motherly care.
This evening, too, she was in an irritated state of temper. Her brother had undertaken to drive her round by Henbury, in order to give her the unpleasant information of the misbehaviour of her eldest son, who was an assistant in a draper's shop in a neighbouring town. She was full of indignation against want of steadiness, though not willing to direct her indignation against the right object—her ne'er-do-well darling. While she was thus charged with anger (for her brother justly defended her son's master and companions from her attacks), she saw Ruth standing with a lover, far away from home, at such a time in the evening, and she boiled over with intemperate displeasure.
This evening, she was also in a bad mood. Her brother had decided to take her around Henbury to break the unpleasant news about her oldest son, who worked as an assistant in a nearby draper's shop. She was full of anger about his lack of responsibility, but she was reluctant to direct that anger at the real problem—her wayward son. While she was fuming (since her brother was rightly defending her son's boss and friends from her complaints), she noticed Ruth standing with a boyfriend, far from home at this time of night, and she exploded with uncontrollable anger.
"Come here directly, Miss Hilton," she exclaimed, sharply. Then, dropping her voice to low, bitter tones of concentrated wrath, she said to the trembling, guilty Ruth:
"Come here right now, Miss Hilton," she said sharply. Then, lowering her voice to a quiet, bitter tone filled with anger, she said to the trembling, guilty Ruth:
"Don't attempt to show your face at my house again after this conduct. I saw you, and your spark, too. I'll have no slurs on the character of my apprentices. Don't say a word. I saw enough. I shall write and tell your guardian to-morrow."
"Don’t ever show up at my house again after how you acted. I saw you, and I saw your attitude, too. I won’t tolerate any disrespect towards my apprentices. Don’t say anything. I’ve seen enough. I’ll write to your guardian tomorrow."
The horse started away, for he was impatient to be off, and Ruth was left standing there, stony, sick, and pale, as if the lightning had torn up the ground beneath her feet. She could not go on standing, she was so sick and faint; she staggered back to the broken sand-bank, and sank down, and covered her face with her hands.
The horse took off, eager to leave, and Ruth was left standing there, cold, sick, and pale, as if the lightning had ripped the ground out from under her. She couldn't keep standing; she felt so weak and dizzy. She stumbled back to the crumbled sandbank, sank down, and buried her face in her hands.
"My dearest Ruth! are you ill? Speak, darling! My love, my love, do speak to me!"
"My dearest Ruth! Are you okay? Please talk to me, darling! My love, my love, please say something!"
What tender words after such harsh ones! They loosened the fountain of Ruth's tears, and she cried bitterly.
What gentle words after such harsh ones! They opened the floodgates of Ruth's tears, and she cried bitterly.
"Oh! did you see her—did you hear what she said?"
"Oh! Did you see her—did you hear what she said?"
"She! Who, my darling? Don't sob so, Ruth; tell me what it is. Who has been near you?—who has been speaking to you to make you cry so?"
"She! Who, my darling? Don't cry so hard, Ruth; tell me what's wrong. Who has been around you?—who has been talking to you that’s made you upset?"
"Oh, Mrs Mason." And there was a fresh burst of sorrow.
"Oh, Mrs. Mason." And there was a new wave of sadness.
"You don't say so! are you sure? I was not away five minutes."
"You've got to be kidding! Are you sure? I wasn’t gone for more than five minutes."
"Oh, yes, sir, I'm quite sure. She was so angry; she said I must never show my face there again. Oh, dear! what shall I do?"
"Oh, yes, sir, I'm sure about that. She was really angry; she said I can never show my face there again. Oh no! What am I going to do?"
It seemed to the poor child as if Mrs Mason's words were irrevocable, and, that being so, she was shut out from every house. She saw how much she had done that was deserving of blame, now when it was too late to undo it. She knew with what severity and taunts Mrs Mason had often treated her for involuntary failings, of which she had been quite unconscious; and now she had really done wrong, and shrank with terror from the consequences. Her eyes were so blinded by the fast-falling tears, she did not see (nor had she seen would she have been able to interpret) the change in Mr Bellingham's countenance, as he stood silently watching her. He was silent so long, that even in her sorrow she began to wonder that he did not speak, and to wish to hear his soothing words once more.
It felt to the poor child like Mrs. Mason's words were final, and because of that, she was excluded from every home. She realized how much she had done that deserved criticism, now that it was too late to fix it. She remembered how harshly and mockingly Mrs. Mason had often treated her for mistakes she hadn’t even been aware of; and now she had genuinely messed up and was terrified of the consequences. Her eyes were so blurred by the tears that were falling fast that she didn’t notice—or wouldn’t have understood—the change in Mr. Bellingham's expression as he stood quietly watching her. He stayed silent for so long that even in her sadness, she started to wonder why he hadn’t spoken and wished to hear his comforting words again.
"It is very unfortunate," he began, at last; and then he stopped; then he began again: "It is very unfortunate; for, you see, I did not like to name it to you before, but, I believe—I have business, in fact, which obliges me to go to town to-morrow—to London, I mean; and I don't know when I shall be able to return."
"It’s really unfortunate," he started, finally; and then he paused; then he continued: "It’s really unfortunate; because, you see, I didn’t want to mention it to you earlier, but I believe—I actually have some business that requires me to go into town tomorrow—to London, I mean; and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to come back."
"To London!" cried Ruth; "are you going away? Oh, Mr Bellingham!" She wept afresh, giving herself up to the desolate feeling of sorrow, which absorbed all the terror she had been experiencing at the idea of Mrs Mason's anger. It seemed to her at this moment as though she could have borne everything but his departure; but she did not speak again; and after two or three minutes had elapsed, he spoke—not in his natural careless voice, but in a sort of constrained, agitated tone.
"To London!" cried Ruth. "Are you really leaving? Oh, Mr. Bellingham!" She started crying again, surrendering to the overwhelming sadness that drowned out all the fear she had felt about Mrs. Mason's anger. At that moment, it seemed to her that she could handle anything except his departure; but she didn't say anything else. After two or three minutes passed, he spoke—not in his usual nonchalant voice, but in a tense, agitated tone.
"I can hardly bear the idea of leaving you, my own Ruth. In such distress, too; for where you can go I do not know at all. From all you have told me of Mrs Mason, I don't think she is likely to mitigate her severity in your case."
"I can barely stand the thought of leaving you, my dear Ruth. It's so distressing; I have no idea where you could go. From everything you've shared about Mrs. Mason, I don't believe she's going to be any easier on you."
No answer, but tears quietly, incessantly flowing. Mrs Mason's displeasure seemed a distant thing; his going away was the present distress. He went on:
No answer, just tears quietly and endlessly streaming. Mrs. Mason's anger felt far away; his departure was the immediate pain. He continued:
"Ruth, would you go with me to London? My darling, I cannot leave you here without a home; the thought of leaving you at all is pain enough, but in these circumstances—so friendless, so homeless—it is impossible. You must come with me, love, and trust to me."
"Ruth, will you come to London with me? My love, I can’t leave you here without a place to stay; just thinking about leaving you is painful enough, but under these circumstances—so alone, so without a home—it’s impossible. You have to come with me, sweetheart, and trust me."
Still she did not speak. Remember how young, and innocent, and motherless she was! It seemed to her as if it would be happiness enough to be with him; and as for the future, he would arrange and decide for that. The future lay wrapped in a golden mist, which she did not care to penetrate; but if he, her sun, was out of sight and gone, the golden mist became dark heavy gloom, through which no hope could come. He took her hand.
Still, she didn’t say anything. Remember how young, innocent, and motherless she was! It felt to her like just being with him would be enough happiness; as for the future, he would figure that out. The future was shrouded in a golden mist that she didn’t want to explore; but if he, her sun, was out of sight and gone, the golden mist turned into dark, heavy gloom, where no hope could reach her. He took her hand.
"Will you not come with me? Do you not love me enough to trust me? Oh, Ruth," (reproachfully), "can you not trust me?"
"Will you not come with me? Don't you love me enough to trust me? Oh, Ruth," (with a hint of disappointment), "can't you trust me?"
She had stopped crying, but was sobbing sadly.
She had stopped crying, but was still sobbing sadly.
"I cannot bear this, love. Your sorrow is absolute pain to me; but it is worse to feel how indifferent you are—how little you care about our separation."
"I can't stand this, my love. Your sadness is unbearable for me; but it's even harder to see how indifferent you are—how little you care about our separation."
He dropped her hand. She burst into a fresh fit of crying.
He let go of her hand. She started crying again.
"I may have to join my mother in Paris; I don't know when I shall see you again. Oh, Ruth!" said he, vehemently, "do you love me at all?"
"I might have to go to Paris with my mom; I don't know when I'll see you again. Oh, Ruth!" he said passionately, "Do you even love me?"
She said something in a very low voice; he could not hear it, though he bent down his head—but he took her hand again.
She whispered something so quietly that he couldn’t hear it, even as he leaned closer—but he took her hand again.
"What was it you said, love? Was it not that you did love me? My darling, you do! I can tell it by the trembling of this little hand; then you will not suffer me to go away alone and unhappy, most anxious about you? There is no other course open to you; my poor girl has no friends to receive her. I will go home directly, and return in an hour with a carriage. You make me too happy by your silence, Ruth."
"What did you say, my love? Didn’t you say you loved me? My darling, you really do! I can feel it by the way this little hand trembles; so you won’t let me leave alone and unhappy, worried about you? You have no other option; my poor girl has no one to turn to. I’ll head home right now and come back in an hour with a carriage. Your silence makes me too happy, Ruth."
"Oh, what can I do!" exclaimed Ruth. "Mr Bellingham, you should help me, and instead of that you only bewilder me."
"Oh, what can I do!" Ruth exclaimed. "Mr. Bellingham, you should help me, but instead, you just confuse me."
"How, my dearest Ruth? Bewilder you! It seems so clear to me. Look at the case fairly! Here you are, an orphan, with only one person to love you, poor child!—thrown off, for no fault of yours, by the only creature on whom you have a claim, that creature a tyrannical, inflexible woman; what is more natural (and, being natural, more right) than that you should throw yourself upon the care of the one who loves you dearly—who would go through fire and water for you—who would shelter you from all harm? Unless, indeed, as I suspect, you do not care for him. If so, Ruth! if you do not care for me, we had better part—I will leave you at once; it will be better for me to go, if you do not care for me."
"How, my dearest Ruth? Confuse you! It seems so clear to me. Look at the situation honestly! Here you are, an orphan, with only one person to love you, poor child!—rejected, for no fault of yours, by the only person you have a claim on, that person being a tyrannical, unyielding woman; what is more natural (and, being natural, more right) than that you should turn to the one who loves you dearly—who would go through anything for you—who would protect you from all harm? Unless, of course, as I suspect, you don’t care for him. If that’s the case, Ruth! if you don’t care for me, we should part ways—I’ll leave you right away; it’ll be better for me to go, if you don’t care for me."
He said this very sadly (it seemed so to Ruth, at least), and made as though he would have drawn his hand from hers, but now she held it with soft force.
He said this very sadly (at least, it seemed that way to Ruth), and acted like he was going to pull his hand away from hers, but she held it firmly yet gently.
"Don't leave me, please, sir. It is very true I have no friend but you. Don't leave me, please. But, oh! do tell me what I must do!"
"Please don't leave me, sir. It's true that you're my only friend. Don't go, please. But, oh! please tell me what I should do!"
"Will you do it if I tell you? If you will trust me, I will do my very best for you. I will give you my best advice. You see your position. Mrs Mason writes and gives her own exaggerated account to your guardian; he is bound by no great love to you, from what I have heard you say, and throws you off; I, who might be able to befriend you—through my mother, perhaps—I, who could at least comfort you a little (could not I, Ruth?), am away, far away, for an indefinite time; that is your position at present. Now, what I advise is this. Come with me into this little inn; I will order tea for you—(I am sure you require it sadly)—and I will leave you there, and go home for the carriage. I will return in an hour at the latest. Then we are together, come what may; that is enough for me; is it not for you, Ruth? Say, yes—say it ever so low, but give me the delight of hearing it. Ruth, say yes."
"Will you do it if I ask you? If you trust me, I’ll do my best for you. I’ll give you the best advice I can. You see your situation. Mrs. Mason writes and gives her own exaggerated version to your guardian; he doesn’t seem to care much for you, based on what I’ve heard you say, and abandons you. I, who might be able to help you—maybe through my mother—I, who could at least bring you some comfort (couldn’t I, Ruth?), am far away for an unknown period; that’s where you are right now. So, here’s my advice. Come with me to this little inn; I’ll order you some tea—(I know you really need it)—and I’ll leave you there while I go home for the carriage. I’ll be back in an hour at the latest. Then we’ll be together, no matter what happens; that’s enough for me; isn’t it for you, Ruth? Just say yes—whisper it if you have to, but please let me hear it. Ruth, say yes."
Low and soft, with much hesitation, came the "Yes;" the fatal word of which she so little imagined the infinite consequences. The thought of being with him was all and everything.
Low and soft, with a lot of hesitation, came the "Yes;" the fateful word of which she could hardly imagine the endless consequences. The idea of being with him was everything.
"How you tremble, my darling! You are cold, love! Come into the house, and I'll order tea directly and be off."
"You're shivering, my love! You're so cold! Come inside, and I'll get some tea right away."
She rose, and, leaning on his arm, went into the house. She was shaking and dizzy with the agitation of the last hour. He spoke to the civil farmer-landlord, who conducted them into a neat parlour, with windows opening into the garden at the back of the house. They had admitted much of the evening's fragrance through their open casements, before they were hastily closed by the attentive host.
She stood up, leaning on his arm as they walked into the house. She felt shaky and dizzy from the stress of the last hour. He greeted the polite farmer-landlord, who led them into a tidy living room with windows that opened up to the garden behind the house. They had let in a lot of the evening's fresh scent through the open windows before the attentive host quickly shut them.
"Tea, directly, for this lady!" The landlord vanished.
"Tea, right away, for this lady!" The landlord disappeared.
"Dearest Ruth, I must go; there is not an instant to be lost; promise me to take some tea, for you are shivering all over, and deadly pale with the fright that abominable woman has given you. I must go; I shall be back in half an hour—and then no more partings, darling."
"Dear Ruth, I have to leave; there's no time to waste; promise me you'll have some tea, because you're shaking all over and look really pale from the scare that awful woman gave you. I have to go; I'll be back in half an hour—and then no more goodbyes, sweetheart."
He kissed her pale cold face, and went away. The room whirled round before Ruth; it was a dream—a strange, varying, shifting dream—with the old home of her childhood for one scene, with the terror of Mrs Mason's unexpected appearance for another; and then, strangest, dizziest, happiest of all, there was the consciousness of his love, who was all the world to her; and the remembrance of the tender words, which still kept up their low soft echo in her heart.
He kissed her cold, pale face and left. The room spun around Ruth; it felt like a dream—a strange, changing, shifting dream—with her childhood home as one scene, Mrs. Mason’s unexpected arrival as another; and then, the weirdest, most dizzying, happiest of all, was the awareness of his love, who meant everything to her; and the memory of the tender words that still echoed softly in her heart.
Her head ached so much that she could hardly see; even the dusky twilight was a dazzling glare to her poor eyes; and when the daughter of the house brought in the sharp light of the candles, preparatory for tea, Ruth hid her face in the sofa pillows with a low exclamation of pain.
Her head hurt so much that she could barely see; even the dim twilight was blinding to her sore eyes; and when the daughter of the house brought in the bright light of the candles, getting ready for tea, Ruth buried her face in the sofa pillows with a soft cry of pain.
"Does your head ache, miss?" asked the girl, in a gentle, sympathising voice. "Let me make you some tea, miss, it will do you good. Many's the time poor mother's headaches were cured by good strong tea."
"Does your head hurt, miss?" the girl asked in a soft, sympathetic voice. "Let me make you some tea; it will help you feel better. So many times, my poor mother's headaches were eased with a nice strong cup of tea."
Ruth murmured acquiescence; the young girl (about Ruth's own age, but who was the mistress of the little establishment, owing to her mother's death) made tea, and brought Ruth a cup to the sofa where she lay. Ruth was feverish and thirsty, and eagerly drank it off, although she could not touch the bread and butter which the girl offered her. She felt better and fresher, though she was still faint and weak.
Ruth quietly agreed; the young girl, around Ruth's age but in charge of the small house since her mother's passing, made tea and brought Ruth a cup to the sofa where she was resting. Ruth was hot and thirsty, so she eagerly drank it, even though she couldn't eat the bread and butter the girl offered her. She felt a bit better and more refreshed, although she was still weak and dizzy.
"Thank you," said Ruth. "Don't let me keep you; perhaps you are busy. You have been very kind, and the tea has done me a great deal of good."
"Thank you," Ruth said. "I won’t hold you up; you might have things to do. You've been really nice, and the tea has helped me a lot."
The girl left the room. Ruth became as hot as she had previously been cold, and went and opened the window, and leant out into the still, sweet, evening air. The bush of sweetbrier, underneath the window, scented the place, and the delicious fragrance reminded her of her old home. I think scents affect and quicken the memory more than either sights or sounds; for Ruth had instantly before her eyes the little garden beneath the window of her mother's room, with the old man leaning on his stick, watching her, just as he had done, not three hours before, on that very afternoon.
The girl left the room. Ruth felt as hot as she had been cold before, so she went and opened the window, leaning out into the calm, sweet evening air. The sweetbrier bush right under the window filled the space with its fragrance, and the lovely scent brought back memories of her old home. I believe scents evoke and enhance memories more than sights or sounds do; because Ruth could clearly picture the little garden below her mother’s window, with the old man leaning on his stick, watching her just like he had not three hours earlier that very afternoon.
"Dear old Thomas! He and Mary would take me in, I think; they would love me all the more if I were cast off. And Mr Bellingham would, perhaps, not be so very long away; and he would know where to find me if I stayed at Milham Grange. Oh, would it not be better to go to them? I wonder if he would be very sorry! I could not bear to make him sorry, so kind as he has been to me; but I do believe it would be better to go to them, and ask their advice, at any rate. He would follow me there; and I could talk over what I had better do, with the three best friends I have in the world—the only friends I have."
"Dear old Thomas! I think he and Mary would take me in; they would love me even more if I were abandoned. And Mr. Bellingham might not be gone for too long; he would know how to find me if I stayed at Milham Grange. Oh, wouldn’t it be better to go to them? I wonder if he would be very upset! I couldn’t stand the thought of making him sad, considering how kind he has been to me; but I really believe it would be better to go to them and ask for their advice, at least. He would follow me there, and I could figure out what I should do with the three best friends I have in the world—the only friends I have."
She put on her bonnet, and opened the parlour-door; but then she saw the square figure of the landlord standing at the open house-door, smoking his evening pipe, and looming large and distinct against the dark air and landscape beyond. Ruth remembered the cup of tea that she had drank; it must be paid for, and she had no money with her. She feared that he would not let her quit the house without paying. She thought that she would leave a note for Mr Bellingham, saying where she was gone, and how she had left the house in debt, for (like a child) all dilemmas appeared of equal magnitude to her; and the difficulty of passing the landlord while he stood there, and of giving him an explanation of the circumstances (as far as such explanation was due to him), appeared insuperable, and as awkward, and fraught with inconvenience, as far more serious situations. She kept peeping out of her room, after she had written her little pencil-note, to see if the outer door was still obstructed. There he stood, motionless, enjoying his pipe, and looking out into the darkness which gathered thick with the coming night. The fumes of the tobacco were carried by the air into the house, and brought back Ruth's sick headache. Her energy left her; she became stupid and languid, and incapable of spirited exertion; she modified her plan of action, to the determination of asking Mr Bellingham to take her to Milham Grange, to the care of her humble friends, instead of to London. And she thought, in her simplicity, that he would instantly consent when he had heard her reasons.
She put on her bonnet and opened the parlor door; but then she saw the landlord's solid figure standing at the open front door, smoking his evening pipe, looking large and clear against the dark air and landscape beyond. Ruth remembered the cup of tea she had had; it needed to be paid for, and she had no money with her. She worried that he wouldn't let her leave the house without settling the bill. She considered leaving a note for Mr. Bellingham, explaining where she was going and how she was leaving the house in debt, because (like a child) all problems seemed equally significant to her; and the challenge of passing the landlord while he stood there, and giving him an explanation of the situation (as far as he was owed one), felt impossible and as awkward, and filled with inconvenience, as much more serious situations. She kept peeking out of her room after writing her little pencil note, to check if the outer door was still blocked. There he stood, unmoving, enjoying his pipe and looking out into the darkness that was thickening with nightfall. The smoke from the tobacco wafted into the house, bringing back Ruth's migraine. Her energy drained away; she felt dull and sluggish, unable to muster any spirit to act; she changed her plan to ask Mr. Bellingham to take her to Milham Grange, to the care of her humble friends, instead of to London. And in her innocence, she thought he would immediately agree once he heard her reasons.
She started up. A carriage dashed up to the door. She hushed her beating heart, and tried to stop her throbbing head to listen. She heard him speaking to the landlord, though she could not distinguish what he said; heard the jingling of money, and, in another moment, he was in the room, and had taken her arm to lead her to the carriage.
She jumped up. A carriage rushed up to the door. She calmed her pounding heart and tried to stop her aching head to listen. She heard him talking to the landlord, even though she couldn’t make out what he was saying; she heard the sound of coins jingling, and in a moment, he was in the room, taking her arm to lead her to the carriage.
"Oh, sir! I want you to take me to Milham Grange," said she, holding back. "Old Thomas would give me a home."
"Oh, sir! I want you to take me to Milham Grange," she said, pulling back. "Old Thomas would give me a place to stay."
"Well, dearest, we'll talk of all that in the carriage; I am sure you will listen to reason. Nay, if you will go to Milham you must go in the carriage," said he, hurriedly. She was little accustomed to oppose the wishes of any one—obedient and docile by nature, and unsuspicious and innocent of any harmful consequences. She entered the carriage, and drove towards London.
"Well, my dear, we'll talk about all that in the car; I'm sure you'll hear me out. Look, if you're going to Milham, you have to go in the car," he said quickly. She was not used to opposing anyone's wishes—naturally obedient and compliant, she was also naive and unaware of any negative outcomes. She got into the car and headed towards London.
CHAPTER V
In North Wales
The June of 18— had been glorious and sunny, and full of flowers; but July came in with pouring rain, and it was a gloomy time for travellers and for weather-bound tourists, who lounged away the days in touching up sketches, dressing flies, and reading over again for the twentieth time the few volumes they had brought with them. A number of the Times, five days old, had been in constant demand in all the sitting-rooms of a certain inn in a little mountain village of North Wales, through a long July morning. The valleys around were filled with thick cold mist, which had crept up the hillsides till the hamlet itself was folded in its white dense curtain, and from the inn-windows nothing was seen of the beautiful scenery around. The tourists who thronged the rooms might as well have been "wi' their dear little bairnies at hame;" and so some of them seemed to think, as they stood, with their faces flattened against the window-panes, looking abroad in search of an event to fill up the dreary time. How many dinners were hastened that day, by way of getting through the morning, let the poor Welsh kitchen-maid say! The very village children kept indoors; or if one or two more adventurous stole out into the land of temptation and puddles, they were soon clutched back by angry and busy mothers.
The June of 18— had been beautiful and sunny, full of flowers; but July arrived with pouring rain, making it a gloomy time for travelers and tourists stuck indoors. They spent their days touching up sketches, tying fishing flies, and rereading for the twentieth time the few books they had brought. A stack of Times, five days old, was in constant demand in the sitting rooms of a small inn in a little mountain village in North Wales throughout a long July morning. The valleys were shrouded in thick cold mist, which had crept up the hills until the village itself was wrapped in its white dense curtain, and from the inn's windows, there was no sight of the beautiful scenery nearby. The tourists crowded the rooms, wishing they were "at home with their dear little kids," and some of them seemed to think that as they stood with their faces pressed against the window panes, looking for something to break the monotonous time. How many dinners were rushed that day to get through the morning, just ask the poor Welsh kitchen maid! Even the village children stayed inside; or if one or two more daring ones ventured out into the puddles and temptation, they were quickly pulled back by busy, angry mothers.
It was only four o'clock, but most of the inmates of the inn thought it must be between six and seven, the morning had seemed so long—so many hours had passed since dinner—when a Welsh car, drawn by two horses, rattled briskly up to the door. Every window of the ark was crowded with faces at the sound; the leathern curtains were undrawn to their curious eyes, and out sprang a gentleman, who carefully assisted a well-cloaked-up lady into the little inn, despite the landlady's assurances of not having a room to spare.
It was only four o'clock, but most of the guests at the inn felt it had to be between six and seven; the morning had dragged on so long—so many hours had gone by since dinner—when a Welsh carriage, pulled by two horses, rattled quickly up to the door. Every window of the inn was filled with faces at the sound; the leather curtains were pulled back for their curious eyes, and out jumped a gentleman, who politely helped a well-dressed lady into the small inn, despite the landlady's claims that she didn't have a room available.
The gentleman (it was Mr Bellingham) paid no attention to the speeches of the hostess, but quietly superintended the unpacking of the carriage, and paid the postillion; then, turning round with his face to the light, he spoke to the landlady, whose voice had been rising during the last five minutes:
The gentleman (Mr. Bellingham) ignored the hostess's speeches and calmly oversaw the unpacking of the carriage, paying the postillion. Then, turning to face the light, he spoke to the landlady, whose voice had been getting louder for the last five minutes:
"Nay, Jenny, you're strangely altered, if you can turn out an old friend on such an evening as this. If I remember right, Pen trê Voelas is twenty miles across the bleakest mountain road I ever saw."
"Nah, Jenny, you’ve changed a lot if you can send away an old friend on a night like this. If I recall correctly, Pen trê Voelas is twenty miles over the bleakest mountain road I’ve ever seen."
"Indeed, sir, and I did not know you; Mr Bellingham, I believe. Indeed, sir, Pen trê Voelas is not above eighteen miles—we only charge for eighteen; it may not be much above seventeen; and we're quite full, indeed, more's the pity."
"Yes, sir, and I didn’t realize it was you; Mr. Bellingham, I think. Actually, sir, Pen trê Voelas is less than eighteen miles—we only charge for eighteen; it might be just over seventeen; and we're really full, unfortunately."
"Well, but Jenny, to oblige me, an old friend, you can find lodgings out for some of your people—the house across, for instance."
"Well, Jenny, as a favor to me, an old friend, you could look for a place for some of your people—like the house across the street, for example."
"Indeed, sir, and it's at liberty; perhaps you would not mind lodging there yourself; I could get you the best rooms, and send over a trifle or so of furniture, if they wern't as you'd wish them to be."
"Absolutely, sir, and it’s available; maybe you wouldn’t mind staying there yourself; I could get you the best rooms and send over a few pieces of furniture, if they weren't to your liking."
"No, Jenny! here I stay. You'll not induce me to venture over into those rooms, whose dirt I know of old. Can't you persuade some one who is not an old friend to move across? Say, if you like, that I had written beforehand to bespeak the rooms. Oh! I know you can manage it—I know your good-natured ways."
"No, Jenny! I’m staying right here. You won’t get me to go into those rooms, which I’ve known to be dirty for a long time. Can’t you convince someone who isn’t an old friend to move over? You can say that I had made arrangements in advance for the rooms. Oh! I know you can pull it off—I know how kind-hearted you are."
"Indeed, sir—well! I'll see, if you and the lady will just step into the back parlour, sir—there's no one there just now; the lady is keeping her bed to-day for a cold, and the gentleman is having a rubber at whist in number three. I'll see what I can do."
"Sure thing, sir—okay! If you and the lady could just head into the back parlor, sir—there's no one there at the moment; the lady is resting in her room today because of a cold, and the gentleman is playing whist in number three. I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you, thank you. Is there a fire? if not, one must be lighted. Come, Ruthie, come."
"Thank you, thank you. Is there a fire? If not, one needs to be started. Come on, Ruthie, let’s go."
He led the way into a large, bow-windowed room, which looked gloomy enough that afternoon, but which I have seen bright and buoyant with youth and hope within, and sunny lights creeping down the purple mountain slope, and stealing over the green, soft meadows, till they reached the little garden, full of roses and lavender-bushes, lying close under the window. I have seen—but I shall see no more.
He took us into a big room with a large bow window, which looked pretty gloomy that afternoon. But I have seen it full of life and hope, with sunlight spilling down the purple mountain slopes and spreading over the soft green meadows, until it reached the little garden filled with roses and lavender, right under the window. I have seen it—but I won’t see it again.
"I did not know you had been here before," said Ruth, as Mr Bellingham helped her off with her cloak.
"I didn’t know you’d been here before," said Ruth, as Mr. Bellingham helped her take off her coat.
"Oh, yes; three years ago I was here on a reading party. We were here above two months, attracted by Jenny's kind heart and oddities; but driven away finally by the insufferable dirt. However, for a week or two it won't much signify."
"Oh, yes; three years ago I was here on a reading trip. We stayed for over two months, drawn in by Jenny's kind heart and quirks; but we were finally chased away by the unbearable filth. Still, for a week or two it won’t make much difference."
"But can she take us in, sir? I thought I heard her saying her house was full."
"But can she accommodate us, sir? I thought I heard her say her house was full."
"Oh, yes—I dare say it is; but I shall pay her well; she can easily make excuses to some poor devil, and send him over to the other side; and, for a day or two, so that we have shelter, it does not much signify."
"Oh, yes—I suppose it is; but I’ll pay her well; she can easily come up with excuses for some poor guy and send him away; and, for a day or two, as long as we have shelter, it doesn’t really matter."
"Could not we go to the house on the other side, sir?"
"Can't we go to the house on the other side, sir?"
"And have our meals carried across to us in a half-warm state, to say nothing of having no one to scold for bad cooking! You don't know these out-of-the-way Welsh inns yet, Ruthie."
"And have our meals brought to us lukewarm, not to mention having no one to blame for bad cooking! You haven't experienced these remote Welsh inns yet, Ruthie."
"No! I only thought it seemed rather unfair—" said Ruth, gently; but she did not end her sentence, for Mr Bellingham formed his lips into a whistle, and walked to the window to survey the rain.
"No! I just thought it seemed pretty unfair—" said Ruth, softly; but she didn't finish her sentence, because Mr. Bellingham puckered his lips to whistle and walked to the window to look at the rain.
The remembrance of his former good payment prompted many little lies of which Mrs Morgan was guilty that afternoon, before she succeeded in turning out a gentleman and lady, who were only planning to remain till the ensuing Saturday at the outside, so, if they did fulfil their threat, and leave on the next day, she would be no very great loser.
The memory of his previous generosity led Mrs. Morgan to tell several small lies that afternoon before she managed to turn out a couple who were only planning to stay until the following Saturday at most. So, if they followed through with their threat and left the next day, she wouldn't be losing very much.
These household arrangements complete, she solaced herself with tea in her own little parlour, and shrewdly reviewed the circumstances of Mr Bellingham's arrival.
These household arrangements finished, she comforted herself with tea in her own little living room and thoughtfully considered the situation surrounding Mr. Bellingham's arrival.
"Indeed! and she's not his wife," thought Jenny, "that's clear as day. His wife would have brought her maid, and given herself twice as many airs about the sitting-rooms; while this poor miss never spoke, but kept as still as a mouse. Indeed, and young men will be young men; and, as long as their fathers and mothers shut their eyes, it's none of my business to go about asking questions."
"Definitely! And she's not his wife," Jenny thought, "that's obvious. His wife would have brought her maid and acted all high and mighty about the living rooms; while this poor girl never said a word and just stayed quiet like a mouse. Honestly, young men will be young men; and as long as their parents turn a blind eye, it’s not my place to go around asking questions."
In this manner they settled down to a week's enjoyment of that Alpine country. It was most true enjoyment to Ruth. It was opening a new sense; vast ideas of beauty and grandeur filled her mind at the sight of the mountains now first beheld in full majesty. She was almost overpowered by the vague and solemn delight; but by-and-by her love for them equalled her awe, and in the night-time she would softly rise, and steal to the window to see the white moonlight, which gave a new aspect to the everlasting hills that girdle the mountain village.
In this way, they settled in for a week of enjoying the Alpine country. For Ruth, it was pure joy. It opened up a new sense; grand ideas of beauty and magnificence filled her mind as she beheld the mountains in all their glory for the first time. She was almost overwhelmed by the vague yet profound delight; but after a while, her love for them matched her awe, and at night she would quietly get up and move to the window to see the white moonlight, which transformed the eternal hills that surrounded the mountain village.
Their breakfast-hour was late, in accordance with Mr Bellingham's tastes and habits; but Ruth was up betimes, and out and away, brushing the dew-drops from the short crisp grass; the lark sung high above her head, and she knew not if she moved or stood still, for the grandeur of this beautiful earth absorbed all idea of separate and individual existence. Even rain was a pleasure to her. She sat in the window-seat of their parlour (she would have gone out gladly, but that such a proceeding annoyed Mr Bellingham, who usually at such times lounged away the listless hours on a sofa, and relieved himself by abusing the weather); she saw the swift-fleeting showers come athwart the sunlight like a rush of silver arrows; she watched the purple darkness on the heathery mountain-side, and then the pale golden gleam which succeeded. There was no change or alteration of nature that had not its own peculiar beauty in the eyes of Ruth; but if she had complained of the changeable climate, she would have pleased Mr Bellingham more; her admiration and her content made him angry, until her pretty motions and loving eyes soothed down his impatience.
Their breakfast time was late, according to Mr. Bellingham's tastes and habits; but Ruth was up early, out and about, brushing the dew from the short, crisp grass. The lark sang high above her, and she couldn’t tell if she was moving or standing still, as the beauty of this amazing earth consumed all thoughts of individual existence. Even rain brought her joy. She sat in the window seat of their living room (she would have loved to go outside, but that annoyed Mr. Bellingham, who usually spent those hours lounging on a sofa and venting his frustrations about the weather). She watched the fast-moving showers dart across the sunlight like a stream of silver arrows; she observed the purple darkness sweep over the heather-covered mountain, followed by the pale golden light that came after. There was no change in nature that didn’t hold its own unique beauty in Ruth’s eyes; but if she had complained about the unpredictable climate, it would have made Mr. Bellingham happier. Her admiration and contentment frustrated him, until her sweet movements and loving gaze eased his irritability.
"Really, Ruth," he exclaimed one day, when they had been imprisoned by rain a whole morning, "one would think you had never seen a shower of rain before; it quite wearies me to see you sitting there watching this detestable weather with such a placid countenance; and for the last two hours you have said nothing more amusing or interesting than—'Oh, how beautiful!' or, 'There's another cloud coming across Moel Wynn.'"
"Honestly, Ruth," he said one day, after they had been stuck inside because of the rain all morning, "you'd think you had never seen a rain shower before. It really tires me out to see you sitting there watching this horrible weather with such a calm face; and for the last two hours, you've said nothing more entertaining or interesting than—'Oh, how beautiful!' or, 'There's another cloud coming across Moel Wynn.'"
Ruth left her seat very gently, and took up her work. She wished she had the gift of being amusing; it must be dull for a man accustomed to all kinds of active employments to be shut up in the house. She was recalled from her absolute self-forgetfulness. What could she say to interest Mr Bellingham? While she thought, he spoke again:
Ruth got up quietly from her seat and picked up her work. She wished she had the knack for being entertaining; it must be boring for a guy used to all sorts of active jobs to be stuck indoors. She was brought back from her complete daydreaming. What could she say to engage Mr. Bellingham? As she pondered this, he spoke again:
"I remember when we were reading here three years ago, we had a week of just such weather as this; but Howard and Johnson were capital whist players, and Wilbraham not bad, so we got through the days famously. Can you play écarté, Ruth, or picquet?"
"I remember when we were reading here three years ago; we had a whole week with weather just like this. But Howard and Johnson were great whist players, and Wilbraham was pretty good too, so we made it through the days smoothly. Can you play écarté, Ruth, or picquet?"
"No, sir; I have sometimes played at beggar-my-neighbour," answered Ruth, humbly, regretting her own deficiencies.
"No, sir; I have sometimes played at beggar-my-neighbour," replied Ruth, feeling humble and regretting her own shortcomings.
He murmured impatiently, and there was silence for another half-hour. Then he sprang up, and rung the bell violently. "Ask Mrs Morgan for a pack of cards. Ruthie, I'll teach you écarté," said he.
He muttered impatiently, and there was silence for another half-hour. Then he jumped up and rang the bell forcefully. "Get Mrs. Morgan for a deck of cards. Ruthie, I'll teach you écarté," he said.
But Ruth was stupid, not so good as a dummy, he said; and it was no fun betting against himself. So the cards were flung across the table—on the floor—anywhere. Ruth picked them up. As she rose, she sighed a little with the depression of spirits consequent upon her own want of power to amuse and occupy him she loved.
But Ruth was clueless, not even as good as a dummy, he said; and it wasn’t any fun betting against himself. So the cards were tossed across the table—on the floor—anywhere. Ruth picked them up. As she stood up, she sighed a bit, feeling down because she couldn’t entertain and engage the person she loved.
"You're pale, love!" said he, half repenting of his anger at her blunders over the cards. "Go out before dinner; you know you don't mind this cursed weather; and see that you come home full of adventures to relate. Come, little blockhead! give me a kiss, and begone."
"You're so pale, sweetheart!" he said, feeling a bit sorry for getting mad at her mistakes with the cards. "Go outside before dinner; you know you're not bothered by this awful weather; and make sure you come back with plenty of stories to tell. Come on, you silly goose! Give me a kiss and go on."
She left the room with a feeling of relief; for if he were dull without her, she should not feel responsible, and unhappy at her own stupidity. The open air, that kind soothing balm which gentle mother Nature offers to us all in our seasons of depression, relieved her. The rain had ceased, though every leaf and blade was loaded with trembling glittering drops. Ruth went down to the circular dale, into which the brown-foaming mountain river fell and made a deep pool, and, after resting there for a while, ran on between broken rocks down to the valley below. The waterfall was magnificent, as she had anticipated; she longed to extend her walk to the other side of the stream, so she sought the stepping-stones, the usual crossing-place, which were over-shadowed by trees, a few yards from the pool. The waters ran high and rapidly, as busy as life, between the pieces of grey rock; but Ruth had no fear, and went lightly and steadily on. About the middle, however, there was a great gap; either one of the stones was so covered with water as to be invisible, or it had been washed lower down; at any rate, the spring from stone to stone was long, and Ruth hesitated for a moment before taking it. The sound of rushing waters was in her ears to the exclusion of every other noise; her eyes were on the current running swiftly below her feet; and thus she was startled to see a figure close before her on one of the stones, and to hear a voice offering help.
She left the room feeling relieved; if he was boring without her, she wouldn’t feel responsible and wouldn’t be upset about her own foolishness. The fresh air, that soothing comfort from Mother Nature that she gives us during our tough times, helped her. The rain had stopped, though every leaf and blade was heavy with trembling, sparkling droplets. Ruth walked down to the circular valley, where the brown, foaming mountain river fell and created a deep pool, and after resting there for a while, it flowed on between jagged rocks down to the valley below. The waterfall was magnificent, just as she had expected; she wanted to continue her walk to the other side of the stream, so she looked for the stepping stones, the usual crossing point, which were shaded by trees a few yards from the pool. The water was high and flowing fast, as lively as life itself, between the pieces of gray rock; but Ruth had no fear and stepped lightly and steadily. However, in the middle, there was a big gap; either one of the stones was completely submerged and hidden or it had been washed away. In any case, jumping from stone to stone was a long way, and Ruth hesitated for a moment before attempting it. The sound of rushing water drowned out everything else; her eyes were fixed on the current flowing swiftly beneath her feet; so she was startled to see a figure right in front of her on one of the stones, and to hear a voice offering help.
She looked up and saw a man, who was apparently long past middle life, and of the stature of a dwarf; a second glance accounted for the low height of the speaker, for then she saw he was deformed. As the consciousness of this infirmity came into her mind, it must have told itself in her softened eyes, for a faint flush of colour came into the pale face of the deformed gentleman, as he repeated his words:
She looked up and saw a man who was obviously well past middle age and quite short; a second look revealed the reason for his height—he was deformed. As she registered this fact, it must have shown in her gentle gaze, since the pale face of the deformed gentleman flushed slightly as he repeated his words:
"The water is very rapid; will you take my hand? Perhaps I can help you."
"The water is moving really fast; will you take my hand? Maybe I can help you."
Ruth accepted the offer, and with this assistance she was across in a moment. He made way for her to precede him in the narrow wood path, and then silently followed her up the glen.
Ruth accepted the offer, and with this help, she was across in no time. He stepped aside to let her go ahead on the narrow woodland path, and then quietly followed her up the valley.
When they had passed out of the wood into the pasture-land beyond, Ruth once more turned to mark him. She was struck afresh with the mild beauty of the face, though there was something in the countenance which told of the body's deformity, something more and beyond the pallor of habitual ill-health, something of a quick spiritual light in the deep set-eyes, a sensibility about the mouth; but altogether, though a peculiar, it was a most attractive face.
When they emerged from the woods into the open pasture, Ruth glanced back to observe him again. She was once again taken by the gentle beauty of his face, even though there was something in his expression that hinted at physical flaws, something beyond the usual pallor of chronic illness—a quick spiritual spark in his deep-set eyes and an awareness in his mouth. Overall, it was an unusual but very appealing face.
"Will you allow me to accompany you if you are going the round by Cwm Dhu, as I imagine you are? The hand-rail is blown away from the little wooden bridge by the storm last night, and the rush of waters below may make you dizzy; and it is really dangerous to fall there, the stream is so deep."
"Can I join you if you're planning to go around by Cwm Dhu, like I think you are? The storm last night blew the handrail off the little wooden bridge, and the rushing water below might make you feel dizzy; it's really dangerous to fall there since the stream is so deep."
They walked on without much speech. She wondered who her companion might be. She should have known him, if she had seen him among the strangers at the inn; and yet he spoke English too well to be a Welshman; he knew the country and the paths so perfectly, he must be a resident; and so she tossed him from England to Wales and back again in her imagination.
They walked on with little conversation. She wondered who her companion could be. She should have recognized him if she had seen him among the strangers at the inn; yet he spoke English too well to be Welsh. He knew the area and the paths so well that he must be a local. So, she imagined him moving back and forth between England and Wales in her mind.
"I only came here yesterday," said he, as a widening in the path permitted them to walk abreast. "Last night I went to the higher waterfalls; they are most splendid."
"I just got here yesterday," he said, as the path opened up enough for them to walk side by side. "Last night I visited the bigger waterfalls; they're absolutely amazing."
"Did you go out in all that rain?" asked Ruth, timidly.
"Did you go out in all that rain?" Ruth asked shyly.
"Oh, yes. Rain never hinders me from walking. Indeed, it gives a new beauty to such a country as this. Besides, my time for my excursion is so short, I cannot afford to waste a day."
"Oh, definitely. Rain never stops me from walking. In fact, it adds a new beauty to a place like this. Plus, my time for my trip is so limited, I can't afford to waste a day."
"Then, you do not live here?" asked Ruth.
"Then, you don't live here?" asked Ruth.
"No! my home is in a very different place. I live in a busy town,
where at times it is difficult to feel the truth that
"No! My home is in a completely different place. I live in a busy town, where sometimes it's hard to feel the truth that
There are in this loud stunning tide
Of human care and crime,
With whom the melodies abide
Of th' everlasting chime;
Who carry music in their heart
Through dusky lane and crowded mart,
Plying their task with busier feet,
Because their secret souls a holy strain repeat.
Amid this loud, striking tide
Of human issues and wrongs,
The melodies remain
Of the timeless chime;
Those who carry music in their hearts
Through dark alleys and crowded markets,
Going about their tasks with quickened steps,
Because their hidden souls resonate with a sacred tune.
I have an annual holiday, which I generally spend in Wales; and often in this immediate neighbourhood."
I have a yearly vacation, which I usually spend in Wales; and often right in this area.
"I do not wonder at your choice," replied Ruth. "It is a beautiful country."
"I’m not surprised by your choice," Ruth replied. "It’s a beautiful place."
"It is, indeed; and I have been inoculated by an old innkeeper at Conway with a love for its people, and history, and traditions. I have picked up enough of the language to understand many of their legends; and some are very fine and awe-inspiring, others very poetic and fanciful."
"It really is; and an old innkeeper in Conway has instilled in me a love for its people, history, and traditions. I've learned enough of the language to grasp many of their legends; some are quite remarkable and awe-inspiring, while others are very poetic and imaginative."
Ruth was too shy to keep up the conversation by any remark of her own, although his gentle, pensive manner was very winning.
Ruth was too shy to contribute to the conversation with any comments of her own, even though his kind, thoughtful demeanor was quite charming.
"For instance," said he, touching a long bud-laden stem of fox-glove in the hedge-side, at the bottom of which one or two crimson-speckled flowers were bursting from their green sheaths, "I dare say, you don't know what makes this fox-glove bend and sway so gracefully. You think it is blown by the wind, don't you?" He looked at her with a grave smile, which did not enliven his thoughtful eyes, but gave an inexpressible sweetness to his face.
“For example,” he said, touching a long stem of foxglove in the hedge, where one or two red-speckled flowers were starting to bloom from their green sheaths, “I bet you don’t know what makes this foxglove bend and sway so gracefully. You think the wind is doing it, right?” He looked at her with a serious smile, which didn’t brighten his thoughtful eyes, but added an indescribable sweetness to his face.
"I always thought it was the wind. What is it?" asked Ruth, innocently.
"I always thought it was the wind. What is it?" Ruth asked, innocently.
"Oh, the Welsh tell you that this flower is sacred to the fairies, and that it has the power of recognising them, and all spiritual beings who pass by, and that it bows in deference to them as they waft along. Its Welsh name is Maneg Ellyllyn—the good people's glove; and hence, I imagine, our folk's-glove or fox-glove."
"Oh, the Welsh say this flower is sacred to the fairies, and it can recognize them and all spiritual beings that pass by, bowing in respect as they float by. Its Welsh name is Maneg Ellyllyn—the good people's glove; and that's probably where we get the name folk's-glove or fox-glove."
"It's a very pretty fancy," said Ruth, much interested, and wishing that he would go on, without expecting her to reply.
"It's a really nice thought," said Ruth, intrigued and hoping that he would continue without waiting for her to respond.
But they were already at the wooden bridge; he led her across, and then, bowing his adieu, he had taken a different path even before Ruth had thanked him for his attention.
But they were already at the wooden bridge; he led her across, and then, bowing goodbye, he had taken a different path even before Ruth had thanked him for his kindness.
It was an adventure to tell Mr Bellingham, however; and it roused and amused him till dinner-time came, after which he sauntered forth with a cigar.
It was quite the adventure telling Mr. Bellingham about it, and it excited and entertained him until dinner time arrived, after which he strolled out with a cigar.
"Ruth," said he, when he returned, "I've seen your little hunchback. He looks like Riquet-with-the-Tuft. He's not a gentleman, though. If it had not been for his deformity, I should not have made him out from your description; you called him a gentleman."
"Ruth," he said when he came back, "I've seen your little hunchback. He looks like Riquet-with-the-Tuft. But he's not a gentleman. If it weren't for his deformity, I wouldn't have recognized him from your description; you referred to him as a gentleman."
"And don't you, sir?" asked Ruth, surprised.
"And don’t you, sir?" asked Ruth, surprised.
"Oh, no! he's regularly shabby and seedy in his appearance; lodging, too, the ostler told me, over that horrible candle and cheese shop, the smell of which is insufferable twenty yards off—no gentleman could endure it; he must be a traveller or artist, or something of that kind."
"Oh, no! He always looks messy and worn out; even the place where he stays, as the stableman told me, is above that terrible candle and cheese shop, the smell of which is unbearable from twenty yards away—no gentleman could put up with it; he must be a traveler or an artist, or something like that."
"Did you see his face, sir?" asked Ruth.
"Did you see his face, sir?" Ruth asked.
"No; but a man's back—his tout ensemble has character enough in it to decide his rank."
"No; but a man's presence—his whole appearance has enough character to determine his status."
"His face was very singular; quite beautiful!" said she, softly; but the subject did not interest Mr Bellingham, and he let it drop.
"His face was really unique; so beautiful!" she said softly, but Mr. Bellingham wasn't interested in the topic, so he changed the subject.
CHAPTER VI
Troubles Gather About Ruth
The next day the weather was brave and glorious; a perfect "bridal of the earth and sky;" and every one turned out of the inn to enjoy the fresh beauty of nature. Ruth was quite unconscious of being the object of remark, and, in her light, rapid passings to and fro, had never looked at the doors and windows, where many watchers stood observing her, and commenting upon her situation or her appearance.
The next day, the weather was bold and beautiful; a perfect "wedding of the earth and sky;" and everyone left the inn to enjoy the fresh beauty of nature. Ruth was completely unaware that she was the center of attention, and in her quick movements back and forth, she had never noticed the doors and windows, where many onlookers stood watching her and commenting on her situation or her looks.
"She's a very lovely creature," said one gentleman, rising from the breakfast-table to catch a glimpse of her as she entered from her morning's ramble. "Not above sixteen, I should think. Very modest and innocent-looking in her white gown!"
"She's a really beautiful girl," said one man, getting up from the breakfast table to catch a glimpse of her as she walked in from her morning stroll. "Not older than sixteen, I’d guess. So modest and pure-looking in her white dress!"
His wife, busy administering to the wants of a fine little boy, could only say (without seeing the young girl's modest ways, and gentle, downcast countenance):
His wife, preoccupied with taking care of a lovely little boy, could only say (without noticing the young girl's shy demeanor and gentle, downcast expression):
"Well! I do think it's a shame such people should be allowed to come here. To think of such wickedness under the same roof! Do come away, my dear, and don't flatter her by such notice."
"Well! I really think it's a shame that people like that are allowed to come here. Just thinking about such evil under the same roof! Please come away, my dear, and don’t give her the satisfaction of your attention."
The husband returned to the breakfast-table; he smelt the broiled ham and eggs, and he heard his wife's commands. Whether smelling or hearing had most to do in causing his obedience, I cannot tell; perhaps you can.
The husband came back to the breakfast table; he smelled the fried ham and eggs, and he heard his wife's instructions. I can't say whether it was the smell or the sound that made him comply; maybe you can.
"Now, Harry, go and see if nurse and baby are ready to go out with you. You must lose no time this beautiful morning."
"Now, Harry, go check if the nurse and baby are ready to head out with you. You shouldn't waste any time this lovely morning."
Ruth found Mr Bellingham was not yet come down; so she sallied out for an additional half-hour's ramble. Flitting about through the village, trying to catch all the beautiful sunny peeps at the scenery between the cold stone houses, which threw the radiant distance into aërial perspective far away, she passed by the little shop; and, just issuing from it, came the nurse and baby, and little boy. The baby sat in placid dignity in her nurse's arms, with a face of queenly calm. Her fresh, soft, peachy complexion was really tempting; and Ruth, who was always fond of children, went up to coo and to smile at the little thing, and, after some "peep-boing," she was about to snatch a kiss, when Harry, whose face had been reddening ever since the play began, lifted up his sturdy little right arm and hit Ruth a great blow on the face.
Ruth noticed that Mr. Bellingham hadn’t come down yet, so she decided to head out for another half-hour stroll. As she wandered around the village, trying to catch glimpses of the beautiful scenery peeking out between the cold stone houses that showed the distant landscape in a stunning perspective, she walked by the little shop. Just as she did, the nurse came out with the baby and a little boy. The baby sat calmly in the nurse's arms, exuding an air of regal composure. Her fresh, soft, peachy complexion was quite tempting, and Ruth, who always had a soft spot for children, approached to coo and smile at her. After some playful "peek-a-boo," she was about to steal a kiss when Harry, whose face had been growing red ever since the play started, raised his sturdy little right arm and gave Ruth a big whack on the face.
"Oh, for shame, sir!" said the nurse, snatching back his hand; "how dare you do that to the lady who is so kind as to speak to Sissy."
"Oh, how shameful, sir!" said the nurse, pulling his hand away; "how dare you do that to the lady who's nice enough to talk to Sissy."
"She's not a lady!" said he, indignantly. "She's a bad naughty girl—mamma said so, she did; and she shan't kiss our baby."
"She's not a lady!" he said angrily. "She's a naughty girl—mom said so, she did; and she won't kiss our baby."
The nurse reddened in her turn. She knew what he must have heard; but it was awkward to bring it out, standing face to face with the elegant young lady.
The nurse blushed in response. She understood what he must have heard, but it felt uncomfortable to say it out loud while standing face to face with the elegant young woman.
"Children pick up such notions, ma'am," said she at last, apologetically, to Ruth, who stood, white and still, with a new idea running through her mind.
"Kids pick up on those ideas, ma'am," she finally said, apologetically, to Ruth, who stood there, pale and motionless, with a new thought running through her mind.
"It's no notion; it's true, nurse; and I heard you say it yourself. Go away, naughty woman!" said the boy, in infantile vehemence of passion to Ruth.
"It's not just a thought; it's real, nurse; and I heard you say it yourself. Go away, naughty woman!" said the boy, with childish intensity of emotion to Ruth.
To the nurse's infinite relief, Ruth turned away, humbly and meekly, with bent head, and slow, uncertain steps. But as she turned, she saw the mild sad face of the deformed gentleman, who was sitting at the open window above the shop; he looked sadder and graver than ever; and his eyes met her glance with an expression of deep sorrow. And so, condemned alike by youth and age, she stole with timid step into the house. Mr Bellingham was awaiting her coming in the sitting-room. The glorious day restored all his buoyancy of spirits. He talked gaily away, without pausing for a reply; while Ruth made tea, and tried to calm her heart, which was yet beating with the agitation of the new ideas she had received from the occurrence of the morning. Luckily for her, the only answers required for some time were mono-syllables; but those few words were uttered in so depressed and mournful a tone, that at last they struck Mr Bellingham with surprise and displeasure, as the condition of mind they unconsciously implied did not harmonise with his own.
To the nurse's immense relief, Ruth turned away, humbly and quietly, her head down and taking slow, uncertain steps. But as she looked back, she caught sight of the gentle, sad face of the deformed gentleman sitting at the open window above the shop; he seemed even sadder and more serious than before, and his eyes met hers with a look of deep sorrow. So, feeling condemned by both youth and age, she timidly stepped inside the house. Mr. Bellingham was waiting for her in the sitting room. The beautiful day lifted his spirits, and he chatted away cheerfully without waiting for a reply while Ruth made tea, trying to calm her racing heart that was still agitated by the new ideas from the morning's events. Thankfully, for a while, the only responses needed from her were one-word answers; but those few words came out in such a low and mournful tone that eventually, they surprised and displeased Mr. Bellingham, as the mood they unconsciously suggested didn't match his own.
"Ruth, what is the matter this morning? You really are very provoking. Yesterday, when everything was gloomy, and you might have been aware that I was out of spirits, I heard nothing but expressions of delight; to-day, when every creature under heaven is rejoicing, you look most deplorable and woe-begone. You really should learn to have a little sympathy."
"Ruth, what's wrong this morning? You're really quite annoying. Yesterday, when everything was gloomy and you must have noticed that I was in a bad mood, all I heard was joy; today, when everyone is celebrating, you look really miserable and downcast. You should really try to show a bit of sympathy."
The tears fell quickly down Ruth's cheeks, but she did not speak. She could not put into words the sense she was just beginning to entertain of the estimation in which she was henceforward to be held. She thought he would be as much grieved as she was at what had taken place that morning; she fancied she should sink in his opinion if she told him how others regarded her; besides, it seemed ungenerous to dilate upon the suffering of which he was the cause.
The tears streamed down Ruth's cheeks, but she remained silent. She couldn't express the feelings she was just starting to understand about how she would be viewed from now on. She believed he would be just as upset as she was about what happened that morning; she imagined she would lower his opinion of her if she revealed how others saw her. Plus, it felt unfair to emphasize the pain that he had caused.
"I will not," thought she, "embitter his life; I will try and be cheerful. I must not think of myself so much. If I can but make him happy, what need I care for chance speeches?"
"I won't," she thought, "make his life miserable; I'll try to stay positive. I shouldn't focus on myself so much. If I can just make him happy, why should I worry about careless comments?"
Accordingly, she made every effort possible to be as light-hearted as he was; but, somehow, the moment she relaxed, thoughts would intrude, and wonders would force themselves upon her mind; so that altogether she was not the gay and bewitching companion Mr Bellingham had previously found her.
Accordingly, she tried her best to be as carefree as he was; but, somehow, the moment she let her guard down, thoughts would creep in, and wonders would occupy her mind; so, overall, she was not the fun and enchanting companion Mr. Bellingham had once found her to be.
They sauntered out for a walk. The path they chose led to a wood on the side of a hill, and they entered, glad of the shade of the trees. At first, it appeared like any common grove, but they soon came to a deep descent, on the summit of which they stood, looking down on the tree-tops, which were softly waving far beneath their feet. There was a path leading sharp down, and they followed it; the ledge of rock made it almost like going down steps, and their walk grew into a bounding, and their bounding into a run, before they reached the lowest plane. A green gloom reigned there; it was the still hour of noon; the little birds were quiet in some leafy shade. They went on a few yards, and then they came to a circular pool overshadowed by the trees, whose highest boughs had been beneath their feet a few minutes before. The pond was hardly below the surface of the ground, and there was nothing like a bank on any side. A heron was standing there motionless, but when he saw them he flapped his wings and slowly rose, and soared above the green heights of the wood up into the very sky itself, for at that depth the trees appeared to touch the round white clouds which brooded over the earth. The speed-well grew in the shallowest water of the pool, and all around its margin, but the flowers were hardly seen at first, so deep was the green shadow cast by the trees. In the very middle of the pond the sky was mirrored clear and dark, a blue which looked as if a black void lay behind.
They strolled out for a walk. The path they picked led to a wooded area on the side of a hill, and they stepped inside, appreciating the shade provided by the trees. At first, it seemed like any regular grove, but they soon reached a steep drop, standing at the top and looking down at the treetops, which gently swayed far below them. A path descended sharply, and they followed it; the rocky ledge made it almost feel like going down steps, and their walk turned into a bounding, then into a run, before they reached the lowest level. A green gloom surrounded them; it was the calm hour of noon; the little birds were silent in some leafy shade. They continued for a few yards until they came to a circular pool shaded by trees, whose highest branches had been beneath their feet just moments before. The pond was barely below the ground's surface, and there wasn’t any kind of bank along its edges. A heron was standing there still, but when he noticed them, he flapped his wings and slowly took off, soaring above the lush heights of the woods and into the sky itself, for at that depth the trees seemed to brush against the round white clouds hanging over the earth. Speedwell grew in the shallow water of the pool and all around its edge, but the flowers were hard to spot at first, so deep was the green shadow cast by the trees. In the center of the pond, the sky was mirrored clearly and dark, a blue that looked like a black void lay behind it.
"Oh, there are water-lilies," said Ruth, her eye catching on the farther side. "I must go and get some."
"Oh, look at those water lilies," Ruth said, spotting them on the other side. "I have to go pick some."
"No; I will get them for you. The ground is spongy all round there. Sit still, Ruth; this heap of grass will make a capital seat."
"No; I'll get them for you. The ground is really soft all around there. Stay still, Ruth; this pile of grass will make a great seat."
He went round, and she waited quietly for his return. When he came back he took off her bonnet, without speaking, and began to place his flowers in her hair. She was quite still while he arranged her coronet, looking up in his face with loving eyes, with a peaceful composure. She knew that he was pleased from his manner, which had the joyousness of a child playing with a new toy, and she did not think twice of his occupation. It was pleasant to forget everything except his pleasure. When he had decked her out, he said:
He walked around, and she waited quietly for him to come back. When he returned, he took off her bonnet without saying a word and started to put his flowers in her hair. She stayed completely still as he arranged her crown, looking up at him with loving eyes, feeling calm and at peace. She could tell he was happy by the way he acted, like a child playing with a new toy, and she didn’t question what he was doing. It felt nice to forget everything except for his happiness. Once he had finished decorating her, he said:
"There, Ruth! now you'll do. Come and look at yourself in the pond. Here, where there are no weeds. Come."
"There, Ruth! Now you’re ready. Come and check yourself out in the pond. Here, where there aren't any weeds. Come on."
She obeyed, and could not help seeing her own loveliness; it gave her a sense of satisfaction for an instant, as the sight of any other beautiful object would have done, but she never thought of associating it with herself. She knew that she was beautiful; but that seemed abstract, and removed from herself. Her existence was in feeling, and thinking, and loving.
She complied and couldn’t help but notice her own beauty; it gave her a moment of satisfaction, like the view of any other beautiful thing would have, but she never thought to connect it with herself. She was aware that she was beautiful; yet that felt distant and separate from her. Her life was about feeling, thinking, and loving.
Down in that green hollow they were quite in harmony. Her beauty was all that Mr Bellingham cared for, and it was supreme. It was all he recognised of her, and he was proud of it. She stood in her white dress against the trees which grew around; her face was flushed into a brilliancy of colour which resembled that of a rose in June; the great heavy white flowers drooped on either side of her beautiful head, and if her brown hair was a little disordered, the very disorder only seemed to add a grace. She pleased him more by looking so lovely than by all her tender endeavours to fall in with his varying humour.
Down in that green hollow, they felt completely in sync. Her beauty was everything Mr. Bellingham cared about, and it was unparalleled. That was all he saw in her, and he took pride in it. She stood in her white dress against the surrounding trees; her face glowed with a vividness reminiscent of a rose in June. The large, heavy white flowers drooped on either side of her lovely head, and even though her brown hair was a bit disheveled, that very messiness seemed to enhance her grace. She delighted him more by simply looking beautiful than through all her gentle attempts to match his shifting moods.
But when they left the wood, and Ruth had taken out her flowers, and resumed her bonnet, as they came near the inn, the simple thought of giving him pleasure was not enough to secure Ruth's peace. She became pensive and sad, and could not rally into gaiety.
But when they left the woods, and Ruth had taken out her flowers and put her bonnet back on, as they approached the inn, the simple idea of making him happy wasn’t enough to bring Ruth peace. She became thoughtful and downcast, and couldn’t bounce back into cheerfulness.
"Really, Ruth," said he, that evening, "you must not encourage yourself in this habit of falling into melancholy reveries without any cause. You have been sighing twenty times during the last half-hour. Do be a little cheerful. Remember, I have no companion but you in this out-of-the-way place."
"Seriously, Ruth," he said that evening, "you need to stop getting lost in these sad thoughts for no reason. You've sighed at least twenty times in the last half hour. Try to be a bit more cheerful. Just remember, you're my only company in this remote spot."
"I am very sorry, sir," said Ruth, her eyes filling with tears; and then she remembered that it was very dull for him to be alone with her, heavy-hearted as she had been all day. She said in a sweet, penitent tone:
"I’m really sorry, sir," Ruth said, her eyes welling up with tears; then she realized how boring it must be for him to be stuck with her, especially since she had been feeling down all day. She spoke in a soft, remorseful tone:
"Would you be so kind as to teach me one of those games at cards you were speaking about yesterday, sir? I would do my best to learn."
"Could you please teach me one of those card games you mentioned yesterday, sir? I'll do my best to learn."
Her soft, murmuring voice won its way. They rang for the cards, and he soon forgot that there was such a thing as depression or gloom in the world, in the pleasure of teaching such a beautiful ignoramus the mysteries of card-playing.
Her gentle, soothing voice was captivating. They called for the cards, and he quickly forgot that depression or sadness even existed, lost in the joy of teaching such a lovely novice the secrets of card-playing.
"There!" said he, at last, "that's enough for one lesson. Do you know, little goose, your blunders have made me laugh myself into one of the worst headaches I have had for years."
"There!" he finally said, "that's enough for one lesson. You know, little goose, your mistakes have made me laugh so much that I’ve given myself one of the worst headaches I've had in years."
He threw himself on the sofa, and in an instant she was by his side.
He flopped down on the sofa, and in no time, she was right next to him.
"Let me put my cool hands on your forehead," she begged; "that used to do mamma good."
"Let me put my cool hands on your forehead," she pleaded; "that used to help Mom feel better."
He lay still, his face away from the light, and not speaking. Presently he fell asleep. Ruth put out the candles, and sat patiently by him for a long time, fancying he would awaken refreshed. The room grew cool in the night air; but Ruth dared not rouse him from what appeared to be sound, restoring slumber. She covered him with her shawl, which she had thrown over a chair on coming in from their twilight ramble. She had ample time to think; but she tried to banish thought. At last, his breathing became quick and oppressed, and, after listening to it for some minutes with increasing affright, Ruth ventured to waken him. He seemed stupified and shivery. Ruth became more and more terrified; all the household were asleep except one servant-girl, who was wearied out of what little English she had knowledge of in more waking hours, and she could only answer, "Iss, indeed, ma'am," to any question put to her by Ruth.
He lay still, his face turned away from the light, not saying a word. Soon, he fell asleep. Ruth blew out the candles and sat by him for a long time, hoping he would wake up feeling refreshed. The room got cool in the night air, but Ruth didn't dare wake him from what seemed to be a deep, restorative sleep. She covered him with her shawl, which she had tossed over a chair after coming in from their evening walk. She had plenty of time to think, but she tried to push those thoughts away. Eventually, his breathing became rapid and labored, and after listening to it for a few minutes with growing fear, Ruth decided to wake him. He seemed dazed and shaky. Ruth grew more and more scared; everyone in the house was asleep except for one tired servant girl, who barely remembered any English from her more alert hours, and she could only respond with, "Yes, indeed, ma'am," to any question Ruth asked her.
She sat by the bedside all night long. He moaned and tossed, but never spoke sensibly. It was a new form of illness to the miserable Ruth. Her yesterday's suffering went into the black distance of long-past years. The present was all-in-all. When she heard people stirring, she went in search of Mrs Morgan, whose shrewd, sharp manners, unsoftened by inward respect for the poor girl, had awed Ruth even when Mr Bellingham was by to protect her.
She sat by the bedside all night. He moaned and tossed but never made any sense. This was a new kind of illness for the miserable Ruth. The pain from yesterday felt like it belonged in the distant past. The present was everything. When she heard people moving around, she went looking for Mrs. Morgan, whose shrewd and sharp demeanor, unchanged by any inner respect for the poor girl, had always intimidated Ruth, even when Mr. Bellingham was there to protect her.
"Mrs Morgan," said she, sitting down in the little parlour appropriated to the landlady, for she felt her strength suddenly desert her—"Mrs Morgan, I'm afraid Mr Bellingham is very ill;"—here she burst into tears, but instantly checking herself, "Oh, what must I do?" continued she; "I don't think he has known anything all through the night, and he looks so strange and wild this morning."
"Mrs. Morgan," she said, sitting down in the small living room reserved for the landlady, feeling her strength suddenly fade, "Mrs. Morgan, I’m afraid Mr. Bellingham is very sick;"—here she broke into tears, but quickly composed herself, "Oh, what should I do?" she continued; "I don’t think he’s been aware of anything all night, and he looks so strange and out of it this morning."
She gazed up into Mrs Morgan's face, as if reading an oracle.
She looked up into Mrs. Morgan's face, as if trying to read an oracle.
"Indeed, miss, ma'am, and it's a very awkward thing. But don't cry, that can do no good, 'deed it can't. I'll go and see the poor young man myself, and then I can judge if a doctor is wanting."
"Really, miss, ma'am, it’s a very uncomfortable situation. But please don’t cry, that won’t help at all. I’ll go and see the poor young man myself, and then I can decide if we need a doctor."
Ruth followed Mrs Morgan upstairs. When they entered the sick-room Mr Bellingham was sitting up in bed, looking wildly about him, and as he saw them, he exclaimed:
Ruth followed Mrs. Morgan upstairs. When they entered the sick room, Mr. Bellingham was sitting up in bed, looking around frantically, and as he saw them, he shouted:
"Ruth! Ruth! come here; I won't be left alone!" and then he fell down exhausted on the pillow. Mrs Morgan went up and spoke to him, but he did not answer or take any notice.
"Ruth! Ruth! come here; I can't be left alone!" and then he collapsed onto the pillow, completely worn out. Mrs. Morgan approached him and spoke to him, but he didn’t respond or acknowledge her.
"I'll send for Mr Jones, my dear, 'deed and I will; we'll have him here in a couple of hours, please God."
"I'll call for Mr. Jones, my dear, I swear I will; we'll have him here in a couple of hours, if all goes well."
"Oh, can't he come sooner?" asked Ruth, wild with terror.
"Oh, can't he come soon?" Ruth asked, panicked.
"'Deed no; he lives at Llanglâs when he's at home, and that's seven mile away, and he may be gone a round eight or nine mile on the other side Llanglâs; but I'll send a boy on the pony directly."
"'No way; he lives in Llanglâs when he's at home, which is seven miles away, and he could be eight or nine miles on the other side of Llanglâs; but I'll send a boy on the pony right away."
Saying this, Mrs Morgan left Ruth alone. There was nothing to be done, for Mr Bellingham had again fallen into a heavy sleep. Sounds of daily life began, bells rang, breakfast-services clattered up and down the passages, and Ruth sat on shivering by the bedside in that darkened room. Mrs Morgan sent her breakfast upstairs by a chambermaid, but Ruth motioned it away in her sick agony, and the girl had no right to urge her to partake of it. That alone broke the monotony of the long morning. She heard the sound of merry parties setting out on excursions, on horseback or in carriages; and once, stiff and wearied, she stole to the window, and looked out on one side of the blind; but the day looked bright and discordant to her aching, anxious heart. The gloom of the darkened room was better and more befitting.
Saying this, Mrs. Morgan left Ruth alone. There was nothing to be done, as Mr. Bellingham had once again fallen into a deep sleep. The sounds of daily life began: bells rang, breakfast dishes clattered up and down the hall, and Ruth sat shivering by the bedside in that darkened room. Mrs. Morgan sent her breakfast upstairs with a chambermaid, but Ruth waved it away in her sick agony, and the girl had no right to insist she eat. That alone broke the monotony of the long morning. She heard the sound of cheerful groups heading out on excursions, either on horseback or in carriages; and once, stiff and exhausted, she crept to the window and peeked out from behind the blind; but the bright day felt jarring to her aching, anxious heart. The gloom of the darkened room was better and more fitting.
It was some hours after he was summoned before the doctor made his appearance. He questioned his patient, and, receiving no coherent answers, he asked Ruth concerning the symptoms; but when she questioned him in turn he only shook his head and looked grave. He made a sign to Mrs Morgan to follow him out of the room, and they went down to her parlour, leaving Ruth in a depth of despair, lower than she could have thought it possible there remained for her to experience, an hour before.
It was a few hours after he was called that the doctor finally arrived. He asked his patient questions, but when he got no clear answers, he turned to Ruth for details about the symptoms. However, when she asked him questions in return, he just shook his head and looked serious. He signaled for Mrs. Morgan to step out of the room with him, and they headed down to her parlor, leaving Ruth in a deep despair that felt worse than she ever thought she could feel just an hour ago.
"I am afraid this is a bad case," said Mr Jones to Mrs Morgan in Welsh. "A brain-fever has evidently set in."
"I’m afraid this is a serious situation," Mr. Jones said to Mrs. Morgan in Welsh. "A brain fever has clearly taken hold."
"Poor young gentleman! poor young man! He looked the very picture of health!"
"Poor young gentleman! Poor young man! He looked perfectly healthy!"
"That very appearance of robustness will, in all probability, make his disorder more violent. However, we must hope for the best, Mrs Morgan. Who is to attend upon him? He will require careful nursing. Is that young lady his sister? She looks too young to be his wife?"
"That strong appearance will likely make his condition worse. Still, we must stay optimistic, Mrs. Morgan. Who will take care of him? He will need careful nursing. Is that young woman his sister? She seems too young to be his wife?"
"No, indeed! Gentlemen like you must know, Mr Jones, that we can't always look too closely into the ways of young men who come to our houses. Not but what I'm sorry for her, for she's an innocent, inoffensive young creature. I always think it right, for my own morals, to put a little scorn into my manners when such as her come to stay here; but, indeed, she's so gentle, I've found it hard work to show the proper contempt."
"No, not at all! You gentlemen must understand, Mr. Jones, that we can't always examine closely the behavior of young men who visit our homes. I do feel sorry for her, as she’s an innocent, harmless young woman. For my own principles, I always try to express a bit of disdain in my behavior when someone like her comes to stay here; but honestly, she's so gentle that I've found it difficult to show the right amount of contempt."
She would have gone on to her inattentive listener if she had not heard a low tap at the door, which recalled her from her morality, and Mr Jones from his consideration of the necessary prescriptions.
She would have continued speaking to her distracted listener if she hadn't heard a soft knock at the door, which pulled her away from her moralizing, and Mr. Jones from his thoughts about the essential prescriptions.
"Come in!" said Mrs Morgan, sharply. And Ruth came in. She was white and trembling; but she stood in that dignity which strong feeling, kept down by self-command, always imparts.
"Come in!" said Mrs. Morgan, sharply. And Ruth came in. She was pale and shaking, but she held herself with the dignity that strong emotions, kept in check by self-control, always brings.
"I wish you, sir, to be so kind as to tell me, clearly and distinctly, what I must do for Mr Bellingham. Every direction you give me shall be most carefully attended to. You spoke about leeches—I can put them on, and see about them. Tell me everything, sir, that you wish to have done!"
"I'd appreciate it if you could clearly tell me what I need to do for Mr. Bellingham. I'll make sure to follow your instructions carefully. You mentioned leeches—I can apply them and take care of that. Please let me know everything you want done!"
Her manner was calm and serious, and her countenance and deportment showed that the occasion was calling out strength sufficient to meet it. Mr Jones spoke with a deference which he had not thought of using upstairs, even while he supposed her to be the sister of the invalid. Ruth listened gravely; she repeated some of the injunctions, in order that she might be sure that she fully comprehended them, and then, bowing, left the room.
Her demeanor was calm and serious, and her expression and behavior showed that she had the strength to handle the situation. Mr. Jones spoke with a respect that he hadn’t thought to use earlier, even when he assumed she was the sister of the patient. Ruth listened intently; she repeated some of the requests to ensure she fully understood them, and then, with a bow, left the room.
"She is no common person," said Mr Jones. "Still she is too young to have the responsibility of such a serious case. Have you any idea where his friends live, Mrs Morgan?"
"She's not an ordinary person," Mr. Jones said. "But she's too young to handle the responsibility of such a serious case. Do you know where his friends live, Mrs. Morgan?"
"Indeed and I have. His mother, as haughty a lady as you would wish to see, came travelling through Wales last year; she stopped here, and, I warrant you, nothing was good enough for her; she was real quality. She left some clothes and books behind her (for the maid was almost as fine as the mistress, and little thought of seeing after her lady's clothes, having a taste for going to see scenery along with the man-servant), and we had several letters from her. I have them locked in the drawers in the bar, where I keep such things."
"Yes, I have. His mother, as proud a woman as you could imagine, traveled through Wales last year; she stopped here, and I assure you, nothing was good enough for her; she was truly high class. She left behind some clothes and books (since the maid was almost as fancy as the mistress and didn’t think to take care of her lady’s things, preferring to enjoy the scenery with the male servant), and we received several letters from her. I’ve got them locked in the drawers at the bar, where I keep that kind of stuff."
"Well! I should recommend your writing to the lady, and telling her her son's state."
"Well! I should recommend your writing to the woman and let her know about her son's situation."
"It would be a favour, Mr Jones, if you would just write it yourself. English writing comes so strange to my pen."
"It would be a favor, Mr. Jones, if you could just write it yourself. Writing in English feels so awkward to me."
The letter was written, and, in order to save time, Mr Jones took it to the Llanglâs post-office.
The letter was written, and to save time, Mr. Jones took it to the Llanglâs post office.
CHAPTER VII
The Crisis—Watching and Waiting
Ruth put away every thought of the past or future; everything that could unfit her for the duties of the present. Exceeding love supplied the place of experience. She never left the room after the first day; she forced herself to eat, because his service needed her strength. She did not indulge in any tears, because the weeping she longed for would make her less able to attend upon him. She watched, and waited, and prayed: prayed with an utter forgetfulness of self, only with a consciousness that God was all-powerful, and that he, whom she loved so much, needed the aid of the Mighty One.
Ruth put aside every thought of the past or future; everything that could distract her from her current responsibilities. A deep love took the place of experience. She never left the room after the first day; she forced herself to eat because his care depended on her strength. She didn’t allow herself to cry, as the tears she longed for would make her less capable of being there for him. She watched, waited, and prayed: prayed completely selflessly, only aware that God was all-powerful and that he, whom she loved so much, needed the support of the Almighty.
Day and night, the summer night, seemed merged into one. She lost count of time in the hushed and darkened room. One morning Mrs Morgan beckoned her out; and she stole on tiptoe into the dazzling gallery, on one side of which the bedrooms opened.
Day and night, the summer night, felt like they were blended together. She lost track of time in the quiet, darkened room. One morning, Mrs. Morgan signaled for her to come out; and she quietly tiptoed into the bright gallery, where the bedrooms were located on one side.
"She's come," whispered Mrs Morgan, looking very much excited, and forgetting that Ruth had never heard that Mrs Bellingham had been summoned.
"She’s here," whispered Mrs. Morgan, clearly excited and forgetting that Ruth had never been told that Mrs. Bellingham had been called.
"Who is come?" asked Ruth. The idea of Mrs Mason flashed through her mind—but with a more terrible, because a more vague dread, she heard that it was his mother; the mother of whom he had always spoken as a person whose opinion was to be regarded more than that of any other individual.
"Who’s here?" Ruth asked. The thought of Mrs. Mason crossed her mind—but with a stronger, more uncertain fear, she heard that it was his mother; the mother he had always mentioned as someone whose opinion mattered more than anyone else's.
"What must I do? Will she be angry with me?" said she, relapsing into her child-like dependence on others; and feeling that even Mrs Morgan was some one to stand between her and Mrs Bellingham.
"What should I do? Is she going to be mad at me?" she asked, slipping back into her child-like reliance on others; feeling that even Mrs. Morgan was someone to protect her from Mrs. Bellingham.
Mrs Morgan herself was a little perplexed. Her morality was rather shocked at the idea of a proper real lady like Mrs Bellingham discovering that she had winked at the connexion between her son and Ruth. She was quite inclined to encourage Ruth in her inclination to shrink out of Mrs Bellingham's observation, an inclination which arose from no definite consciousness of having done wrong, but principally from the representations she had always heard of the lady's awfulness. Mrs Bellingham swept into her son's room as if she were unconscious what poor young creature had lately haunted it; while Ruth hurried into some unoccupied bedroom, and, alone there, she felt her self-restraint suddenly give way, and burst into the saddest, most utterly wretched weeping she had ever known. She was worn out with watching, and exhausted by passionate crying, and she lay down on the bed and fell asleep. The day passed on; she slumbered unnoticed and unregarded; she awoke late in the evening with a sense of having done wrong in sleeping so long; the strain upon her responsibility had not yet left her. Twilight was closing fast around; she waited until it had become night, and then she stole down to Mrs Morgan's parlour.
Mrs. Morgan was a bit confused. She felt a bit shocked at the thought of someone as proper as Mrs. Bellingham realizing that she had noticed the connection between her son and Ruth. She was quite inclined to support Ruth in her desire to avoid Mrs. Bellingham, a feeling that didn't come from any clear awareness of having done something wrong, but mainly from what she had always heard about how awful the lady was. Mrs. Bellingham entered her son's room as if she were unaware of the poor young woman who had recently been there; meanwhile, Ruth quickly slipped into an empty bedroom. Alone in there, she suddenly lost her self-control and broke down into the saddest, most utterly miserable crying she had ever experienced. She was exhausted from watching and drained from her emotional crying, so she lay down on the bed and fell asleep. The day went on; she slept unnoticed and unappreciated. She woke up late in the evening, feeling guilty for sleeping so long; the weight of her responsibilities still weighed heavily on her. Twilight fell quickly around her; she waited until it was dark, then quietly made her way down to Mrs. Morgan's parlor.
"If you please, may I come in?" asked she.
"Excuse me, may I come in?" she asked.
Jenny Morgan was doing up the hieroglyphics which she called her accounts; she answered sharply enough, but it was a permission to enter, and Ruth was thankful for it.
Jenny Morgan was working on the hieroglyphics she referred to as her accounts; she replied a bit curtly, but it was an invitation to come in, and Ruth was grateful for it.
"Will you tell me how he is? Do you think I may go back to him?"
"Can you let me know how he’s doing? Do you think I can go back to him?"
"No, indeed, that you may not. Nest, who has made his room tidy these many days, is not fit to go in now. Mrs Bellingham has brought her own maid, and the family nurse, and Mr Bellingham's man; such a tribe of servants and no end to packages; water-beds coming by the carrier, and a doctor from London coming down to-morrow, as if feather-beds and Mr Jones was not good enough. Why, she won't let a soul of us into the room; there's no chance for you!"
"No, definitely not. Nest, who has kept his room clean for days, isn’t fit to go in there now. Mrs. Bellingham brought her own maid, the family nurse, and Mr. Bellingham's assistant; such a crowd of servants and endless packages—waterbeds arriving by delivery, and a doctor from London coming tomorrow, as if featherbeds and Mr. Jones weren’t good enough. Honestly, she won’t let any of us into the room; there's no chance for you!"
Ruth sighed. "How is he?" she inquired, after a pause.
Ruth sighed. "How is he doing?" she asked after a moment.
"How can I tell indeed, when I'm not allowed to go near him? Mr Jones said to-night was a turning point; but I doubt it, for it is four days since he was taken ill, and who ever heard of a sick person taking a turn on an even number of days; it's always on the third, or the fifth, or seventh, or so on. He'll not turn till to-morrow night, take my word for it, and their fine London doctor will get all the credit, and honest Mr Jones will be thrown aside. I don't think he will get better myself, though—Gelert does not howl for nothing. My patience! what's the matter with the girl?—lord, child, you're never going to faint, and be ill on my hands?" Her sharp voice recalled Ruth from the sick unconsciousness that had been creeping over her as she listened to the latter part of this speech. She sat down and could not speak—the room whirled round and round—her white feebleness touched Mrs Morgan's heart.
"How can I know for sure when I can't even get close to him? Mr. Jones said tonight is a turning point, but I'm skeptical because it's been four days since he got sick. Who's ever heard of someone getting better after an even number of days? It's always on the third, fifth, or seventh, and so on. He won't improve until tomorrow night, mark my words, and that fancy London doctor will take all the credit while honest Mr. Jones gets ignored. I don't think he'll get better anyway—Gelert doesn't howl for no reason. Goodness! What's wrong with the girl?—heavens, child, you’re not about to faint and make this my problem, are you?" Her sharp tone pulled Ruth back from the faintness that had been overtaking her as she listened to the latter part of this conversation. She sat down, speechless—the room spun around her—her pale weakness tugged at Mrs. Morgan's heart.
"You've had no tea, I guess. Indeed, and the girls are very careless." She rang the bell with energy, and seconded her pull by going to the door and shouting out sharp directions, in Welsh, to Nest and Gwen, and three or four other rough, kind, slatternly servants.
"You haven't had any tea, I assume. Yes, and the girls are really careless." She energetically rang the bell and, in addition to pulling it, went to the door and shouted clear instructions, in Welsh, to Nest and Gwen, along with three or four other rough, kind, untidy servants.
They brought her tea, which was comfortable, according to the idea of comfort prevalent in that rude, hospitable place; there was plenty to eat, too much, indeed, for it revolted the appetite it was intended to provoke. But the heartiness with which the kind, rosy waiter pressed her to eat, and the scolding Mrs Morgan gave her when she found the buttered toast untouched (toast on which she had herself desired that the butter might not be spared), did Ruth more good than the tea. She began to hope, and to long for the morning when hope might have become certainty. It was all in vain that she was told that the room she had been in all day was at her service; she did not say a word, but she was not going to bed that night, of all nights in the year, when life or death hung trembling in the balance. She went into the bedroom till the bustling house was still, and heard busy feet passing to and fro in the room she might not enter; and voices, imperious, though hushed down to a whisper, ask for innumerable things. Then there was silence; and when she thought that all were dead asleep, except the watchers, she stole out into the gallery. On the other side were two windows, cut into the thick stone wall, and flower pots were placed on the shelves thus formed, where great, untrimmed, straggling geraniums grew, and strove to reach the light. The window near Mr Bellingham's door was open; the soft, warm-scented night air came sighing in in faint gusts, and then was still. It was summer; there was no black darkness in the twenty-four hours; only the light grew dusky, and colour disappeared from objects, of which the shape and form remained distinct. A soft grey oblong of barred light fell on the flat wall opposite to the windows, and deeper grey shadows marked out the tracery of the plants, more graceful thus than in reality. Ruth crouched where no light fell. She sat on the ground close by the door; her whole existence was absorbed in listening; all was still; it was only her heart beating with the strong, heavy, regular sound of a hammer. She wished she could stop its rushing, incessant clang. She heard a rustle of a silken gown, and knew it ought not to have been worn in a sick-room; for her senses seemed to have passed into the keeping of the invalid, and to feel only as he felt. The noise was probably occasioned by some change of posture in the watcher inside, for it was once more dead-still. The soft wind outside sank with a low, long, distant moan among the windings of the hills, and lost itself there, and came no more again. But Ruth's heart beat loud. She rose with as little noise as if she were a vision, and crept to the open window to try and lose the nervous listening for the ever-recurring sound. Out beyond, under the calm sky, veiled with a mist rather than with a cloud, rose the high, dark outlines of the mountains, shutting in that village as if it lay in a nest. They stood, like giants, solemnly watching for the end of Earth and Time. Here and there a black round shadow reminded Ruth of some "Cwm," or hollow, where she and her lover had rambled in sun and in gladness. She then thought the land enchanted into everlasting brightness and happiness; she fancied, then, that into a region so lovely no bale or woe could enter, but would be charmed away and disappear before the sight of the glorious guardian mountains. Now she knew the truth, that earth has no barrier which avails against agony. It comes lightning-like down from heaven, into the mountain house and the town garret; into the palace and into the cottage. The garden lay close under the house; a bright spot enough by day; for in that soil, whatever was planted grew and blossomed in spite of neglect. The white roses glimmered out in the dusk all the night through; the red were lost in shadow. Between the low boundary of the garden and the hills swept one or two green meadows; Ruth looked into the grey darkness till she traced each separate wave of outline. Then she heard a little restless bird chirp out its wakefulness from a nest in the ivy round the walls of the house. But the mother-bird spread her soft feathers, and hushed it into silence. Presently, however, many little birds began to scent the coming dawn, and rustled among the leaves, and chirruped loud and clear. Just above the horizon, too, the mist became a silvery grey cloud hanging on the edge of the world; presently it turned shimmering white; and then, in an instant, it flushed into rose, and the mountain-tops sprang into heaven, and bathed in the presence of the shadow of God. With a bound, the sun of a molten fiery red came above the horizon, and immediately thousands of little birds sang out for joy, and a soft chorus of mysterious, glad murmurs came forth from the earth; the low whispering wind left its hiding-place among the clefts and hollows of the hills, and wandered among the rustling herbs and trees, waking the flower-buds to the life of another day. Ruth gave a sigh of relief that the night was over and gone; for she knew that soon suspense would be ended, and the verdict known, whether for life or for death. She grew faint and sick with anxiety; it almost seemed as if she must go into the room and learn the truth. Then she heard movements, but they were not sharp or rapid, as if prompted by any emergency; then, again, it was still. She sat curled up upon the floor, with her head thrown back against the wall, and her hands clasped round her knees. She had yet to wait. Meanwhile, the invalid was slowly rousing himself from a long, deep, sound, health-giving sleep. His mother had sat by him the night through, and was now daring to change her position for the first time; she was even venturing to give directions in a low voice to the old nurse, who had dozed away in an arm-chair, ready to obey any summons of her mistress. Mrs Bellingham went on tiptoe towards the door, and chiding herself because her stiff, weary limbs made some slight noise. She had an irrepressible longing for a few minutes' change of scene after her night of watching. She felt that the crisis was over; and the relief to her mind made her conscious of every bodily feeling and irritation, which had passed unheeded as long as she had been in suspense.
They brought her tea, which was comforting, according to the idea of comfort in that rough, welcoming place; there was plenty to eat, maybe too much, because it actually spoiled the appetite it was meant to whet. But the way the kind, rosy waiter urged her to eat, and the scolding Mrs. Morgan gave her when she discovered the buttered toast untouched (toast that she had specifically asked to have buttered), did Ruth more good than the tea. She started to hope and to look forward to the morning when that hope might turn into certainty. It was pointless to be told that the room she had been in all day was available for her; she didn’t respond, but there was no way she was going to bed that night, of all nights in the year, when life or death hung in the balance. She went to the bedroom until the bustling house fell quiet, hearing busy footsteps moving back and forth in the room she was not allowed to enter; and voices, demanding yet hushed to a whisper, asking for countless things. Then there was silence; and when she thought everyone was dead asleep, except for the watchers, she quietly slipped out into the hallway. On the other side were two windows cut into the thick stone wall, with flower pots on the shelves, where large, wild geraniums grew, stretching for the light. The window near Mr. Bellingham's door was open; the soft, warm-scented night air drifted in with faint gusts and then stilled. It was summer; there was no pitch-black darkness in the twenty-four hours; only the light dimmed, and colors faded from the objects, although their shape and form stayed clear. A soft gray rectangle of barred light fell on the flat wall across from the windows, and deeper gray shadows outlined the plants, appearing more elegant than they really were. Ruth crouched where no light fell. She sat on the ground close to the door; her whole existence was focused on listening; all was still; only her heart beat with the strong, heavy, steady rhythm of a hammer. She wished she could stop its relentless pounding. She heard the rustle of a silk gown and knew it shouldn’t have been worn in a sickroom; her senses seemed to have tuned into the invalid's condition, feeling only as he felt. The noise was likely caused by some movement from the watcher inside, for it was dead still again. The soft wind outside sank with a low, distant moan among the hills and disappeared. But Ruth’s heart continued to thump loudly. She rose with as little noise as if she were a ghost and crept to the open window to try to escape the nervous listening for that never-ending sound. Outside, under the calm sky, cloaked in mist rather than clouds, rose the high, dark shapes of the mountains, enclosing that village as if it lay in a nest. They stood solemnly like giants, watching for the end of Earth and Time. Here and there, a dark round shadow reminded Ruth of some "Cwm," or hollow, where she and her lover had wandered in sunshine and joy. She thought of the land as enchanted into everlasting brightness and happiness; she imagined that in such a beautiful place no grief or sorrow could enter, but would be charmed away and vanish before the sight of the glorious guardian mountains. Now she understood the truth that there's no barrier on earth against agony. It strikes like lightning from heaven, into the mountain house and the town attic; into the palace and into the cottage. The garden lay just below the house; a bright spot enough by day; for in that soil, anything planted flourished and blossomed despite neglect. The white roses glimmered in the dusk all night long; the red ones were lost in shadow. Between the low boundary of the garden and the hills stretched a couple of green meadows; Ruth gazed into the gray darkness until she traced each separate wave of outline. Then she heard a little restless bird chirping its wakefulness from a nest in the ivy around the house walls. But the mother-bird spread her soft feathers and hushed it into silence. Soon, however, many little birds began to sense the coming dawn, rustling among the leaves and chirping loudly. Just above the horizon, the mist became a silvery gray cloud hanging on the edge of the world; then it turned shimmering white; and then, in an instant, it flushed into rose, and the mountain peaks rose into heaven, bathed in the shadow of God. With a leap, the sun, a molten fiery red, came above the horizon, and immediately thousands of little birds sang out in joy, and a soft chorus of mysterious, happy murmurs emerged from the earth; the gentle whispering wind left its hiding place in the crevices and hollows of the hills, wandering among the rustling herbs and trees, awakening the flower buds to the life of another day. Ruth sighed in relief that the night was over; for she knew that soon the suspense would end, and the verdict would be known, whether for life or for death. She felt faint and sick with anxiety; it almost seemed as if she must go into the room and find out the truth. Then she heard movements, but they weren’t sharp or hurried, as if driven by any urgency; then, again, there was silence. She sat curled up on the floor, with her head thrown back against the wall, and her hands clasped around her knees. She still had to wait. Meanwhile, the invalid was slowly waking from a long, deep, restorative sleep. His mother had sat by him the entire night, and was now daring to adjust her position for the first time; she was even venturing to quietly give instructions to the old nurse, who had dozed off in an armchair, ready to respond to any call from her mistress. Mrs. Bellingham walked on tiptoe toward the door, scolding herself because her stiff, tired limbs made some noise. She felt an irrepressible desire for a few moments’ change of scene after her night of watching. She sensed that the crisis was over; and the relief lifted her mind, making her aware of every physical sensation and annoyance, which she had ignored while in suspense.
She slowly opened the door. Ruth sprang upright at the first sound of the creaking handle. Her very lips were stiff and unpliable with the force of the blood which rushed to her head. It seemed as if she could not form words. She stood right before Mrs Bellingham. "How is he, madam?"
She slowly opened the door. Ruth sat up straight at the first sound of the creaking handle. Her lips felt stiff and unyielding from the rush of blood to her head. It seemed like she couldn’t find the words. She stood directly in front of Mrs. Bellingham. "How is he, ma'am?"
Mrs Bellingham was for a moment surprised at the white apparition which seemed to rise out of the ground. But her quick, proud mind understood it all in an instant. This was the girl, then, whose profligacy had led her son astray; had raised up barriers in the way of her favourite scheme of his marriage with Miss Duncombe; nay, this was the real cause of his illness, his mortal danger at this present time, and of her bitter, keen anxiety. If, under any circumstances, Mrs Bellingham could have been guilty of the ill-breeding of not answering a question, it was now; and for a moment she was tempted to pass on in silence. Ruth could not wait; she spoke again:
Mrs. Bellingham was briefly taken aback by the ghostly figure that seemed to emerge from the ground. But her sharp, proud mind grasped everything instantly. This was the girl whose scandalous behavior had led her son astray; she had created obstacles to her favorite plan for him to marry Miss Duncombe. In fact, this was the real reason for his illness, his life-threatening situation right now, and for her deep, intense worry. If there was ever a time Mrs. Bellingham could be accused of rudeness for not responding to a question, it was now; and for a moment, she considered just walking away in silence. Ruth couldn’t wait; she spoke again:
"For the love of God, madam, speak! How is he? Will he live?"
"For the love of God, ma'am, please talk! How is he? Is he going to survive?"
If she did not answer her, she thought the creature was desperate enough to force her way into his room. So she spoke.
If she didn't answer her, she figured the creature was desperate enough to barge into his room. So she spoke.
"He has slept well: he is better."
"He slept well: he's doing better."
"Oh! my God, I thank Thee," murmured Ruth, sinking back against the wall.
"Oh! my God, I thank you," murmured Ruth, sinking back against the wall.
It was too much to hear this wretched girl thanking God for her son's life; as if, in fact, she had any lot or part in him, and to dare to speak to the Almighty on her son's behalf! Mrs Bellingham looked at her with cold, contemptuous eyes, whose glances were like ice-bolts, and made Ruth shiver up away from them.
It was overwhelming to hear this miserable girl thanking God for her son's life; as if she had any role in it at all, and to actually speak to the Almighty on her son's behalf! Mrs. Bellingham looked at her with cold, disdainful eyes, their glances sharp like ice, making Ruth shiver away from them.
"Young woman, if you have any propriety or decency left, I trust that you will not dare to force yourself into his room."
"Young woman, if you have any respect or decency left, I trust that you won't try to barge into his room."
She stood for a moment as if awaiting an answer, and half expecting it to be a defiance. But she did not understand Ruth. She did not imagine the faithful trustfulness of her heart. Ruth believed that if Mr Bellingham was alive and likely to live, all was well. When he wanted her, he would send for her, ask for her, yearn for her, till every one would yield before his steadfast will. At present she imagined that he was probably too weak to care or know who was about him; and though it would have been an infinite delight to her to hover and brood around him, yet it was of him she thought and not of herself. She gently drew herself on one side to make way for Mrs Bellingham to pass.
She paused for a moment, as if waiting for a response and half expecting it to be a challenge. But she didn’t understand Ruth. She didn’t see the deep trust in her heart. Ruth believed that if Mr. Bellingham was alive and likely to recover, everything was fine. When he wanted her, he would call for her, ask for her, long for her, until everyone gave in to his unwavering determination. Right now, she thought he was probably too weak to care or even notice who was around him; and while it would have brought her immense joy to stay close and watch over him, her thoughts were of him, not herself. She gently stepped aside to let Mrs. Bellingham pass.
By-and-by Mrs Morgan came up. Ruth was still near the door, from which it seemed as if she could not tear herself away.
By and by, Mrs. Morgan came over. Ruth was still by the door, as if she couldn't pull herself away.
"Indeed, miss, and you must not hang about the door in this way; it is not pretty manners. Mrs Bellingham has been speaking very sharp and cross about it, and I shall lose the character of my inn if people take to talking as she does. Did not I give you a room last night to keep in, and never be seen or heard of; and did I not tell you what a particular lady Mrs Bellingham was, but you must come out here right in her way? Indeed, it was not pretty, nor grateful to me, Jenny Morgan, and that I must say."
"Honestly, miss, you shouldn’t loiter by the door like this; it’s not polite. Mrs. Bellingham has been very harsh and grumpy about it, and I’ll ruin the reputation of my inn if people start talking like she does. Didn’t I give you a room last night to stay in, so you wouldn’t be seen or heard? And didn’t I warn you about how particular Mrs. Bellingham is, yet you still come out right in her way? Honestly, it wasn't considerate or grateful to me, Jenny Morgan, and I have to say that."
Ruth turned away like a chidden child. Mrs Morgan followed her to her room, scolding as she went; and then, having cleared her heart after her wont by uttering hasty words, her real kindness made her add, in a softened tone:
Ruth turned away like a scolded kid. Mrs. Morgan followed her to her room, nagging as she walked; and then, having vented her feelings as she usually did with harsh words, her true kindness made her add, in a gentler tone:
"You stop up here like a good girl. I'll send you your breakfast by-and-by, and let you know from time to time how he is; and you can go out for a walk, you know; but if you do, I'll take it as a favour if you'll go out by the side door. It will, maybe, save scandal."
"You stay put here like a good girl. I'll send your breakfast in a little while and keep you updated on how he is; you can go for a walk if you want, but if you do, I’d appreciate it if you could go out the side door. It might help avoid any gossip."
All that day long, Ruth kept herself close prisoner in the room to which Mrs Morgan accorded her; all that day, and many succeeding days. But at nights, when the house was still, and even the little brown mice had gathered up the crumbs, and darted again to their holes, Ruth stole out, and crept to his door to catch, if she could, the sound of his beloved voice. She could tell by its tones how he felt, and how he was getting on, as well as any of the watchers in the room. She yearned and pined to see him once more; but she had reasoned herself down into something like patience. When he was well enough to leave his room, when he had not always one of the nurses with him, then he would send for her, and she would tell him how very patient she had been for his dear sake. But it was long to wait even with this thought of the manner in which the waiting would end. Poor Ruth! her faith was only building up vain castles in the air; they towered up into heaven, it is true, but, after all, they were but visions.
All day long, Ruth kept herself shut in the room that Mrs. Morgan had given her; she did this for days on end. But at night, when the house was quiet, and even the little brown mice had scurried away with their crumbs, Ruth would sneak out and creep to his door to catch a glimpse of his beloved voice. She could tell by its tone how he felt and how he was doing, as well as any of the people watching him in the room. She longed to see him again, but she had reasoned herself into a kind of patience. When he was well enough to leave his room and didn’t always have a nurse with him, he would send for her, and she would tell him how patient she had been for his sake. But it felt like a long wait, even with the thought of how it would end. Poor Ruth! Her faith was only building up castles in the air; they may have reached all the way to heaven, but in the end, they were just illusions.
CHAPTER VIII
Mrs Bellingham "Does the Thing Handsomely"
If Mr Bellingham did not get rapidly well, it was more owing to the morbid querulous fancy attendant on great weakness than from any unfavourable medical symptom. But he turned away with peevish loathing from the very sight of food, prepared in the slovenly manner which had almost disgusted him when he was well. It was of no use telling him that Simpson, his mother's maid, had superintended the preparation at every point. He offended her by detecting something offensive and to be avoided in her daintiest messes, and made Mrs Morgan mutter many a hasty speech, which, however, Mrs Bellingham thought it better not to hear until her son should be strong enough to travel.
If Mr. Bellingham didn’t recover quickly, it was more due to his unhealthy, nagging worries that come with being really weak rather than any bad medical signs. But he turned away in irritation from the sight of food, which was prepared in such a careless way that it almost made him sick, even when he was healthy. It didn’t matter that Simpson, his mother’s maid, had overseen the preparation every step of the way. He upset her by finding something off-putting in her most delicate dishes, and made Mrs. Morgan mutter a lot of hasty remarks, which Mrs. Bellingham decided it was best not to hear until her son was strong enough to travel.
"I think you are better to-day," said she, as his man wheeled his sofa to the bedroom window. "We shall get you downstairs to-morrow."
"I think you're doing better today," she said, as his attendant moved his sofa to the bedroom window. "We'll get you downstairs tomorrow."
"If it were to get away from this abominable place, I could go down to-day; but I believe I'm to be kept prisoner here for ever. I shall never get well here, I'm sure."
"If I could just escape this terrible place, I would leave today; but I think I'm going to be stuck here forever. I'm certain I'll never get better here."
He sank back on his sofa in impatient despair. The surgeon was announced, and eagerly questioned by Mrs Bellingham as to the possibility of her son's removal; and he, having heard the same anxiety for the same end expressed by Mrs Morgan in the regions below, threw no great obstacles in the way. After the doctor had taken his departure, Mrs Bellingham cleared her throat several times. Mr Bellingham knew the prelude of old, and winced with nervous annoyance.
He sank back on his sofa in frustrated despair. The surgeon was announced, and Mrs. Bellingham eagerly asked him about the possibility of her son's transfer; he, having also heard the same concern from Mrs. Morgan downstairs, didn’t put up too much resistance. After the doctor left, Mrs. Bellingham cleared her throat several times. Mr. Bellingham recognized the sign and winced with nervous annoyance.
"Henry, there is something I must speak to you about; an unpleasant subject, certainly, but one which has been forced upon me by the very girl herself; you must be aware to what I refer without giving me the pain of explaining myself."
"Henry, there’s something I need to talk to you about; it’s an uncomfortable topic, for sure, but one that the girl herself has made unavoidable. You must know what I’m talking about without me having to go through the trouble of explaining."
Mr Bellingham turned himself sharply round to the wall, and prepared himself for a lecture by concealing his face from her notice; but she herself was in too nervous a state to be capable of observation.
Mr. Bellingham quickly turned to the wall and braced himself for a lecture by hiding his face from her view; however, she was too anxious to notice.
"Of course," she continued, "it was my wish to be as blind to the whole affair as possible, though you can't imagine how Mrs Mason has blazoned it abroad; all Fordham rings with it; but of course it could not be pleasant, or, indeed, I may say correct, for me to be aware that a person of such improper character was under the same—I beg your pardon, dear Henry, what do you say?"
"Of course," she continued, "I wanted to be as unaware of the whole situation as possible, but you can't imagine how Mrs. Mason has spread the word; everyone at Fordham is talking about it. But really, it wouldn't be pleasant for me, or even right, to know that someone with such a questionable reputation was in the same—I'm sorry, dear Henry, what do you think?"
"Ruth is no improper character, mother; you do her injustice!"
"Ruth isn't a bad person, Mom; you're not being fair to her!"
"My dear boy, you don't mean to uphold her as a paragon of virtue!"
"My dear boy, you can't actually think of her as a model of virtue!"
"No, mother, but I led her wrong; I—"
"No, Mom, but I misled her; I—"
"We will let all discussions into the cause or duration of her present character drop, if you please," said Mrs Bellingham, with the sort of dignified authority which retained a certain power over her son—a power which originated in childhood, and which he only defied when he was roused into passion. He was too weak in body to oppose himself to her, and fight the ground inch by inch. "As I have implied, I do not wish to ascertain your share of blame; from what I saw of her one morning, I am convinced of her forward, intrusive manners, utterly without shame, or even common modesty."
"We'll drop any talks about the reason or length of her current behavior, if that's okay with you," said Mrs. Bellingham, in a dignified way that still held some authority over her son—a power that came from his childhood, which he only challenged when he was really angry. He was too weak physically to stand up to her and fight every point. "As I've mentioned, I don't want to figure out how much blame you should take; from what I observed one morning, I'm convinced she has pushy, intrusive manners, completely lacking any sense of shame or even basic modesty."
"What are you referring to?" asked Mr Bellingham, sharply.
"What are you talking about?" asked Mr. Bellingham, sharply.
"Why, when you were at the worst, and I had been watching you all night, and had just gone out in the morning for a breath of fresh air, this girl pushed herself before me, and insisted upon speaking to me. I really had to send Mrs Morgan to her before I could return to your room. A more impudent, hardened manner, I never saw."
"Why, when you were at your lowest point, and I had been watching over you all night, I had just stepped outside in the morning for some fresh air when this girl pushed in front of me and insisted on talking to me. I actually had to send Mrs. Morgan to her before I could go back to your room. I’ve never seen such a brazen, tough attitude."
"Ruth was neither impudent nor hardened; she was ignorant enough, and might offend from knowing no better."
"Ruth was neither disrespectful nor tough; she was naive, and could offend simply because she didn't know any better."
He was getting weary of the discussion, and wished it had never been begun. From the time he had become conscious of his mother's presence, he had felt the dilemma he was in in regard to Ruth, and various plans had directly crossed his brain; but it had been so troublesome to weigh and consider them all properly, that they had been put aside to be settled when he grew stronger. But this difficulty in which he was placed by his connexion with Ruth, associated the idea of her in his mind with annoyance and angry regret at the whole affair. He wished, in the languid way in which he wished and felt everything not immediately relating to his daily comfort, that he had never seen her. It was a most awkward, a most unfortunate affair. Notwithstanding this annoyance connected with and arising out of Ruth, he would not submit to hear her abused; and something in his manner impressed this on his mother, for she immediately changed her mode of attack.
He was getting tired of the conversation and wished it had never started. Ever since he became aware of his mother’s presence, he felt trapped about Ruth, and different plans kept popping into his head. But it was so complicated to weigh and think them all through properly that he decided to put them on hold until he felt stronger. However, his connection with Ruth stirred up feelings of frustration and regret about the whole situation. He wished, in the indifferent way he felt everything not directly related to his daily comfort, that he had never met her. It was a really awkward and unfortunate situation. Despite this frustration tied to Ruth, he wouldn’t stand for her being insulted, and something in his demeanor made that clear to his mother because she quickly changed her approach.
"We may as well drop all dispute as to the young woman's manners; but I suppose you do not mean to defend your connexion with her; I suppose you are not so lost to all sense of propriety as to imagine it fit or desirable that your mother and this degraded girl should remain under the same roof, liable to meet at any hour of the day?" She waited for an answer, but no answer came.
"We might as well end the debate about the young woman's behavior; however, I assume you don’t intend to justify your association with her. I hope you’re not so out of touch with what’s proper that you think it’s appropriate or desirable for your mother and this disrespectable girl to share the same roof, where they could run into each other at any hour?" She waited for a response, but none came.
"I ask you a simple question; is it, or is it not desirable?"
"I have a simple question for you: is it desirable, or is it not?"
"I suppose it is not," he replied, gloomily.
"I guess it isn't," he replied, looking downcast.
"And I suppose, from your manner, that you think the difficulty would be best solved by my taking my departure, and leaving you with your vicious companion?"
"And I guess, based on how you're acting, that you believe the best way to resolve this issue is for me to leave and let you stay with your bad company?"
Again no answer, but inward and increasing annoyance, of which Mr Bellingham considered Ruth the cause. At length he spoke.
Again, there was no answer, just growing irritation, which Mr. Bellingham blamed on Ruth. Finally, he spoke.
"Mother, you are not helping me in my difficulty. I have no desire to banish you, nor to hurt you, after all your care for me. Ruth has not been so much to blame as you imagine, that I must say; but I do not wish to see her again, if you can tell me how to arrange it otherwise, without behaving unhandsomely. Only spare me all this worry while I am so weak. I put myself in your hands. Dismiss her, as you wish it; but let it be done handsomely, and let me hear no more about it; I cannot bear it; let me have a quiet life, without being lectured while I am pent up here, and unable to shake off unpleasant thoughts."
"Mom, you're not helping me with my problem. I don’t want to push you away or hurt you after everything you’ve done for me. Ruth isn’t as at fault as you think, but I really don’t want to see her again. If you can find a way to make that happen without being harsh, I’d appreciate it. Just spare me all this stress while I'm feeling so weak. I'm relying on you. Send her away, if that's what you want; but please do it nicely, and let’s not talk about it anymore. I can’t handle it; I just want a peaceful life without being lectured while I’m stuck here, unable to shake off these negative thoughts."
"My dear Henry, rely upon me."
"My dear Henry, count on me."
"No more, mother; it's a bad business, and I can hardly avoid blaming myself in the matter; I don't want to dwell upon it."
"No more, Mom; it's a bad situation, and I can barely avoid blaming myself for it; I don't want to think about it."
"Don't be too severe in your self-reproaches while you are so feeble, dear Henry; it is right to repent, but I have no doubt in my own mind she led you wrong with her artifices. But, as you say, everything should be done handsomely. I confess I was deeply grieved when I first heard of the affair, but since I have seen the girl— Well! I'll say no more about her, since I see it displeases you; but I am thankful to God that you see the error of your ways."
"Don't be too hard on yourself while you're feeling so weak, dear Henry; it's good to feel remorse, but I truly believe she misled you with her tricks. But, like you said, everything should be done properly. I admit I was really upset when I first heard about it, but now that I've seen the girl— Well! I won't say more about her since I can tell it bothers you; but I'm grateful to God that you recognize your mistakes."
She sat silent, thinking for a little while, and then sent for her writing-case, and began to write. Her son became restless, and nervously irritated.
She sat quietly, thinking for a bit, and then called for her writing kit and started to write. Her son grew restless and was increasingly irritated.
"Mother," he said, "this affair worries me to death. I cannot shake off the thoughts of it."
"Mom," he said, "I'm really worried about this situation. I can't get it off my mind."
"Leave it to me, I'll arrange it satisfactorily."
"Leave it to me, I'll take care of it just fine."
"Could we not leave to-night? I should not be so haunted by this annoyance in another place. I dread seeing her again, because I fear a scene; and yet I believe I ought to see her, in order to explain."
"Can we leave tonight? I wouldn’t be so bothered by this issue somewhere else. I’m anxious about seeing her again because I worry it’ll lead to a confrontation; yet, I think I should talk to her to explain."
"You must not think of such a thing, Henry," said she, alarmed at the very idea. "Sooner than that, we will leave in half an hour, and try to get to Pen trê Voelas to-night. It is not yet three, and the evenings are very long. Simpson should stay and finish the packing; she could go straight to London and meet us there. Macdonald and nurse could go with us. Could you bear twenty miles, do you think?"
"You can't be serious about that, Henry," she said, worried by the thought. "Before that happens, we’ll leave in half an hour and aim to get to Pen trê Voelas tonight. It’s not even three yet, and the evenings are really long. Simpson should stay and finish packing; she can head straight to London and meet us there. Macdonald and the nurse can come with us. Do you think you can handle twenty miles?"
Anything to get rid of his uneasiness. He felt that he was not behaving as he should do, to Ruth, though the really right never entered his head. But it would extricate him from his present dilemma, and save him many lectures; he knew that his mother, always liberal where money was concerned, would "do the thing handsomely," and it would always be easy to write and give Ruth what explanation he felt inclined, in a day or two; so he consented, and soon lost some of his uneasiness in watching the bustle of the preparation for their departure.
Anything to shake off his unease. He sensed he wasn't acting the way he should towards Ruth, even though the right thing never really crossed his mind. But it would get him out of his current situation and spare him a lot of lectures; he knew that his mother, who was always generous with money, would "make it look good," and it would be easy to write and give Ruth whatever explanation he felt like in a day or two. So he agreed and soon eased some of his anxiety while watching the hustle and bustle of getting ready for their departure.
All this time Ruth was quietly spending in her room, beguiling the waiting, weary hours, with pictures of the meeting at the end. Her room looked to the back, and was in a side-wing away from the principal state apartments, consequently she was not roused to suspicion by any of the commotion; but, indeed, if she had heard the banging of doors, the sharp directions, the carriage-wheels, she would still not have suspected the truth; her own love was too faithful.
All this time, Ruth was quietly spending in her room, passing the waiting, tiring hours with thoughts of the meeting at the end. Her room faced the back and was in a side-wing away from the main state areas, so she wasn’t alerted to any of the commotion; however, even if she had heard the banging of doors, the sharp commands, or the sounds of the carriage wheels, she still wouldn’t have suspected the truth; her own love was too faithful.
It was four o'clock and past, when some one knocked at her door, and,
on entering, gave her a note, which Mrs Bellingham had left. That
lady had found some difficulty in wording it, so as to satisfy
herself, but it was as follows:
It was a little after four o'clock when someone knocked on her door, and upon entering, handed her a note that Mrs. Bellingham had left. That lady had struggled to word it in a way that would satisfy her, but it read as follows:
My son, on recovering from his illness, is, I thank God, happily conscious of the sinful way in which he has been living with you. By his earnest desire, and in order to avoid seeing you again, we are on the point of leaving this place; but before I go, I wish to exhort you to repentance, and to remind you that you will not have your own guilt alone upon your head, but that of any young man whom you may succeed in entrapping into vice. I shall pray that you may turn to an honest life, and I strongly recommend you, if indeed you are not 'dead in trespasses and sins,' to enter some penitentiary. In accordance with my son's wishes, I forward you in this envelope a bank-note of fifty pounds.
My son, now that he’s recovered from his illness, is, thank God, fully aware of the wrong way he has been living with you. He is eager to leave this place to avoid seeing you again; but before I go, I want to urge you to repent and remind you that you won't bear your guilt alone, but also the guilt of any young man you might lead astray. I will pray that you choose to live a truthful life, and I strongly suggest that, if you aren't already 'dead in trespasses and sins,' you should consider some kind of rehabilitation program. Following my son’s wishes, I’m sending you a banknote for fifty pounds in this envelope.
Margaret Bellingham.
Margaret Bellingham.
Was this the end of all? Had he, indeed, gone? She started up, and asked this last question of the servant, who, half guessing at the purport of the note, had lingered about the room, curious to see the effect produced.
Was this the end of everything? Had he really left? She jumped up and asked this final question to the servant, who, half understanding the meaning of the note, had stayed in the room, eager to see the reaction it caused.
"Iss, indeed, miss; the carriage drove from the door as I came upstairs. You'll see it now on the Yspytty road, if you'll please to come to the window of No. 24."
"Iss, indeed, miss; the carriage left as I came upstairs. You'll see it now on the Yspytty road if you come to the window of No. 24."
Ruth started up, and followed the chambermaid. Aye, there it was, slowly winding up the steep white road, on which it seemed to move at a snail's pace.
Ruth got up and followed the chambermaid. Yes, there it was, slowly making its way up the steep white road, moving at a snail's pace.
She might overtake him—she might—she might speak one farewell word to him, print his face on her heart with a last look—nay, when he saw her he might retract, and not utterly, for ever, leave her. Thus she thought; and she flew back to her room, and snatching up her bonnet, ran, tying the strings with her trembling hands as she went down the stairs, out at the nearest door, little heeding the angry words of Mrs Morgan; for the hostess, more irritated at Mrs Bellingham's severe upbraiding at parting, than mollified by her ample payment, was offended by the circumstance of Ruth, in her wild haste, passing through the prohibited front door.
She might catch up to him—she might—she might say one last goodbye to him, imprint his face on her heart with one final look—no, when he saw her he might change his mind and not completely leave her forever. That's what she thought; and she rushed back to her room, grabbed her hat, and ran, tying the strings with her shaky hands as she went down the stairs, out the nearest door, barely paying attention to Mrs. Morgan's angry words; for the hostess, more annoyed by Mrs. Bellingham's harsh criticism at parting than pleased by her generous payment, was offended by the fact that Ruth, in her wild hurry, passed through the forbidden front door.
But Ruth was away before Mrs Morgan had finished her speech, out and away, scudding along the road, thought-lost in the breathless rapidity of her motion. Though her heart and head beat almost to bursting, what did it signify if she could but overtake the carriage? It was a nightmare, constantly evading the most passionate wishes and endeavours, and constantly gaining ground. Every time it was visible it was in fact more distant, but Ruth would not believe it. If she could but gain the summit of that weary, everlasting hill, she believed that she could run again, and would soon be nigh upon the carriage. As she ran, she prayed with wild eagerness; she prayed that she might see his face once more, even if she died on the spot before him. It was one of those prayers which God is too merciful to grant; but despairing and wild as it was, Ruth put her soul into it, and prayed it again, and yet again.
But Ruth was gone before Mrs. Morgan finished her speech, off and away, rushing down the road, lost in the frantic speed of her movement. Even though her heart and head felt like they were about to explode, what did it matter if she could just catch up to the carriage? It felt like a nightmare, constantly slipping away from her most passionate desires and efforts, always getting further away. Every time it came into view, it was actually more distant, but Ruth wouldn’t accept that. If she could just reach the top of that exhausting, endless hill, she believed she could run again and would soon be close to the carriage. As she sprinted, she prayed with desperate urgency; she prayed that she might see his face one more time, even if she collapsed right there in front of him. It was one of those prayers that God is too kind to grant; but in her despair and urgency, Ruth poured her heart into it, praying it over and over.
Wave above wave of the ever-rising hills were gained, were crossed, and at last Ruth struggled up to the very top and stood on the bare table of moor, brown and purple, stretching far away till it was lost in the haze of the summer afternoon; and the white road was all flat before her, but the carriage she sought and the figure she sought had disappeared. There was no human being there; a few wild, black-faced mountain sheep quietly grazing near the road, as if it were long since they had been disturbed by the passing of any vehicle, was all the life she saw on the bleak moorland.
Wave after wave of the constantly rising hills were climbed and crossed, and finally, Ruth struggled to the very top and stood on the bare moorland, brown and purple, stretching far away until it faded into the haze of the summer afternoon. The white road lay flat before her, but the carriage she was looking for and the figure she sought had disappeared. There was no one around; just a few wild, black-faced mountain sheep peacefully grazing near the road, as if it had been ages since they were bothered by any passing vehicle, was all the life she saw in the desolate moorland.
She threw herself down on the ling by the side of the road in despair. Her only hope was to die, and she believed she was dying. She could not think; she could believe anything. Surely life was a horrible dream, and God would mercifully awaken her from it. She had no penitence, no consciousness of error or offence; no knowledge of any one circumstance but that he was gone. Yet afterwards, long afterwards, she remembered the exact motion of a bright green beetle busily meandering among the wild thyme near her, and she recalled the musical, balanced, wavering drop of a skylark into her nest near the heather-bed where she lay. The sun was sinking low, the hot air had ceased to quiver near the hotter earth, when she bethought her once more of the note which she had impatiently thrown down before half mastering its contents. "Oh, perhaps," she thought, "I have been too hasty. There may be some words of explanation from him on the other side of the page, to which, in my blind anguish, I never turned. I will go and find it."
She threw herself down on the grass by the side of the road in despair. Her only hope was to die, and she thought she was dying. She couldn't think; she could believe anything. Surely life was a terrible dream, and God would kindly wake her from it. She felt no remorse, no awareness of any mistakes or wrongdoing; she knew nothing except that he was gone. Yet later, much later, she remembered the exact movement of a bright green beetle busy wandering among the wild thyme near her, and she recalled the musical, graceful, swaying drop of a skylark into her nest near the heather-bed where she lay. The sun was setting low, the hot air had stopped shimmering near the warm ground, when she thought once more about the note that she had impatiently tossed aside before fully understanding it. "Oh, maybe," she thought, "I was too quick to judge. There might be some words of explanation from him on the other side of the page, which in my blind agony, I never turned over. I will go and find it."
She lifted herself heavily and stiffly from the crushed heather. She stood dizzy and confused with her change of posture; and was so unable to move at first, that her walk was but slow and tottering; but, by-and-by, she was tasked and goaded by thoughts which forced her into rapid motion, as if, by it, she could escape from her agony. She came down on the level ground, just as many gay or peaceful groups were sauntering leisurely home with hearts at ease; with low laughs and quiet smiles, and many an exclamation at the beauty of the summer evening.
She lifted herself up heavily and awkwardly from the crushed heather. She stood there, feeling dizzy and confused by the change in her position; and at first, she was so unable to move that her walk was slow and unsteady. But after a while, thoughts pushed her into quick movement, as if she believed that by moving fast, she could escape her pain. She reached the flat ground just as many cheerful or calm groups were strolling home, relaxed and carefree, with soft laughs and gentle smiles, and often commenting on the beauty of the summer evening.
Ever since her adventure with the little boy and his sister, Ruth had habitually avoided encountering these happy—innocents, may I call them?—these happy fellow-mortals! And even now, the habit grounded on sorrowful humiliation had power over her; she paused, and then, on looking back, she saw more people who had come into the main road from a side path. She opened a gate into a pasture-field, and crept up to the hedge-bank until all should have passed by, and she could steal into the inn unseen. She sat down on the sloping turf by the roots of an old hawthorn-tree which grew in the hedge; she was still tearless with hot burning eyes; she heard the merry walkers pass by; she heard the footsteps of the village children as they ran along to their evening play; she saw the small black cows come into the fields after being milked; and life seemed yet abroad. When would the world be still and dark, and fit for such a deserted, desolate creature as she was? Even in her hiding-place she was not long at peace. The little children, with their curious eyes peering here and there, had peeped through the hedge, and through the gate, and now they gathered from all the four corners of the hamlet, and crowded round the gate; and one more adventurous than the rest had run into the field to cry, "Gi' me a halfpenny," which set the example to every little one, emulous of his boldness; and there, where she sat, low on the ground, and longing for the sure hiding-place earth gives to the weary, the children kept running in, and pushing one another forwards, and laughing. Poor things; their time had not come for understanding what sorrow is. Ruth would have begged them to leave her alone, and not madden her utterly; but they knew no English save the one eternal "Gi' me a halfpenny." She felt in her heart that there was no pity anywhere. Suddenly, while she thus doubted God, a shadow fell across her garments, on which her miserable eyes were bent. She looked up. The deformed gentleman she had twice before seen, stood there. He had been attracted by the noisy little crowd, and had questioned them in Welsh, but not understanding enough of the language to comprehend their answers, he had obeyed their signs, and entered the gate to which they pointed. There he saw the young girl whom he had noticed at first for her innocent beauty, and the second time for the idea he had gained respecting her situation; there he saw her, crouched up like some hunted creature, with a wild, scared look of despair, which almost made her lovely face seem fierce; he saw her dress soiled and dim, her bonnet crushed and battered with her tossings to and fro on the moorland bed; he saw the poor, lost wanderer, and when he saw her, he had compassion on her.
Ever since her adventure with the little boy and his sister, Ruth had always steered clear of running into these happy—innocents, may I call them?—these cheerful fellow humans! And even now, the habit born from painful humiliation held sway over her; she hesitated, and when she looked back, she spotted more people coming onto the main road from a side path. She opened a gate into a pasture and crept up to the hedge until everyone passed by, allowing her to slip into the inn unnoticed. She settled on the sloping grass by the roots of an old hawthorn tree in the hedge; she was still tearless with burning eyes; she heard the cheerful walkers going by; she heard the footsteps of the village kids running off to play in the evening; she saw the small black cows return to the fields after being milked; and life seemed to be happening all around her. When would the world go quiet and dark, making it suitable for such a lonely, forlorn creature like her? Even in her hiding spot, peace didn’t last long. The little kids, with their curious eyes peeping here and there, had looked through the hedge and the gate, and now they gathered from all directions in the hamlet, crowding around the gate; and one bold child ran into the field to shout, "Gi' me a halfpenny," which inspired all the others, eager to imitate his bravery; and there she sat, low on the ground, yearning for the solid refuge that the earth provides to the weary, as the children kept running in, bumping into each other, and laughing. Poor things; they hadn’t yet come to understand what sorrow was. Ruth would have begged them to leave her be, so they wouldn’t drive her completely mad; but they knew no English except for the one everlasting "Gi' me a halfpenny." She felt deep down that there was no compassion to be found. Suddenly, as she questioned God, a shadow fell across her clothes, which her miserable eyes were fixed upon. She looked up. The deformed gentleman she had seen twice before stood there. He had been drawn in by the noisy little crowd and had asked them questions in Welsh, but not understanding their responses, he followed their gestures and entered the gate they indicated. There he saw the young girl he had first noticed for her innocent beauty, and the second time for the impression he had formed about her situation; there she was, crouched down like some frightened animal, with a wild, scared look of despair that almost made her lovely face seem fierce; he noticed her dress was dirty and dull, her bonnet crumpled and battered from her tossing and turning on the moorland bed; he saw the poor, lost wanderer, and when he saw her, he felt pity for her.
There was some look of heavenly pity in his eyes, as gravely and sadly they met her upturned gaze, which touched her stony heart. Still looking at him, as if drawing some good influence from him, she said low and mournfully, "He has left me, sir!—sir, he has indeed—he has gone and left me!"
There was a look of heavenly compassion in his eyes as they met her upturned gaze, touching her hardened heart. Still gazing at him, as if drawing some positive energy from him, she said softly and sadly, "He has left me, sir!—sir, he has truly—he has gone and left me!"
Before he could speak a word to comfort her, she had burst into the wildest, dreariest crying ever mortal cried. The settled form of the event, when put into words, went sharp to her heart; her moans and sobs wrung his soul; but as no speech of his could be heard, if he had been able to decide what best to say, he stood by her in apparent calmness, while she, wretched, wailed and uttered her woe. But when she lay worn out, and stupefied into silence, she heard him say to himself, in a low voice:
Before he could say anything to comfort her, she had started crying harder than anyone ever has. The reality of the situation hit her hard; her moans and sobs tore at his heart. Since nothing he could say would get through to her, even if he knew the right words, he just stood by her, seeming calm, while she, in her sorrow, wailed and expressed her grief. But when she finally lay there, exhausted and silent, she heard him mumble to himself in a low voice:
"Oh, my God! for Christ's sake, pity her!"
"Oh my God! For God's sake, have mercy on her!"
Ruth lifted up her eyes, and looked at him with a dim perception of the meaning of his words. She regarded him fixedly in a dreamy way, as if they struck some chord in her heart, and she were listening to its echo; and so it was. His pitiful look, or his words, reminded her of the childish days when she knelt at her mother's knee, and she was only conscious of a straining, longing desire to recall it all.
Ruth raised her eyes and looked at him, faintly grasping the meaning of his words. She stared at him dreamily, as if they resonated with something deep in her heart, and she was tuning into its echo; and that was true. His sorrowful expression, or his words, brought back memories of her childhood when she knelt by her mother’s side, and she was only aware of a stretching, yearning desire to remember it all.
He let her take her time, partly because he was powerfully affected himself by all the circumstances, and by the sad pale face upturned to his; and partly by an instinctive consciousness that the softest patience was required. But suddenly she startled him, as she herself was startled into a keen sense of the suffering agony of the present; she sprang up and pushed him aside, and went rapidly towards the gate of the field. He could not move as quickly as most men, but he put forth his utmost speed. He followed across the road, on to the rocky common; but as he went along, with his uncertain gait, in the dusk gloaming, he stumbled, and fell over some sharp projecting stone. The acute pain which shot up his back forced a short cry from him; and, when bird and beast are hushed into rest and the stillness of the night is over all, a high-pitched sound, like the voice of pain, is carried far in the quiet air. Ruth, speeding on in her despair, heard the sharp utterance, and stopped suddenly short. It did what no remonstrance could have done; it called her out of herself. The tender nature was in her still, in that hour when all good angels seemed to have abandoned her. In the old days she could never bear to hear or see bodily suffering in any of God's meanest creatures, without trying to succour them; and now, in her rush to the awful death of the suicide, she stayed her wild steps, and turned to find from whom that sharp sound of anguish had issued.
He let her take her time, partly because he was deeply affected by everything around them, including the sad, pale face looking up at him; and partly because he instinctively knew that gentle patience was needed. But suddenly she shocked him, as she herself was jolted into a sharp awareness of the painful situation; she jumped up, pushed him aside, and hurried towards the gate of the field. He couldn't move as quickly as most men, but he did his best to keep up. He followed her across the road and onto the rocky common; but as he walked with his uncertain steps in the dim light, he stumbled and fell over a sharp, jutting stone. The sharp pain that shot up his back made him cry out, and when all the birds and animals were quiet and the stillness of night enveloped everything, that high-pitched sound, like a cry of pain, echoed far in the calm air. Ruth, rushing forward in her despair, heard the sharp cry and stopped abruptly. It did what no warning could have achieved; it pulled her back to reality. The caring part of her was still there, even in that moment when all good angels seemed to have left her. In the past, she could never bear to witness suffering in even the least of God's creatures without trying to help them; and now, in her rush towards the terrible act of suicide, she halted her frantic steps and turned to figure out where that cry of anguish had come from.
He lay among the white stones, too faint with pain to move, but with an agony in his mind far keener than any bodily pain, as he thought that by his unfortunate fall he had lost all chance of saving her. He was almost overpowered by his intense thankfulness when he saw her white figure pause, and stand listening, and turn again with slow footsteps, as if searching for some lost thing. He could hardly speak, but he made a sound which, though his heart was inexpressibly glad, was like a groan. She came quickly towards him.
He lay among the white stones, too weak from pain to move, but the torment in his mind was much worse than any physical pain, as he realized that his unfortunate fall had cost him the chance to save her. He was almost overwhelmed with gratitude when he saw her white figure pause, stand still, and then turn away with slow steps, as if looking for something she had lost. He could barely speak, but he made a sound that, despite his heart being incredibly joyful, came out like a groan. She hurried towards him.
"I am hurt," said he; "do not leave me;" his disabled and tender frame was overcome by the accident and the previous emotions, and he fainted away. Ruth flew to the little mountain stream, the dashing sound of whose waters had been tempting her, but a moment before, to seek forgetfulness in the deep pool into which they fell. She made a basin of her joined hands, and carried enough of the cold fresh water back to dash into his face and restore him to consciousness. While he still kept silence, uncertain what to say best fitted to induce her to listen to him, she said softly:
"I’m hurt," he said. "Please don’t leave me." His fragile and injured body was overwhelmed by the accident and his earlier emotions, and he passed out. Ruth rushed to the nearby mountain stream, the sound of its rushing water having tempted her moments before to seek refuge in the deep pool below. She cupped her hands together, scooping up some of the cold, fresh water, and returned to splash it on his face to bring him back to consciousness. While he remained silent, unsure of what to say to encourage her to listen, she spoke softly:
"Are you better, sir?—are you very much hurt?"
"Are you feeling better, sir?—are you hurt badly?"
"Not very much; I am better. Any quick movement is apt to cause me a sudden loss of power in my back, and I believe I stumbled over some of these projecting stones. It will soon go off, and you will help me to go home, I am sure."
"Not much; I'm doing better. Any quick movement can cause a sudden loss of strength in my back, and I think I tripped over some of these jutting stones. It'll pass soon, and I'm sure you'll help me get home."
"Oh, yes! Can you go now? I am afraid of your lying too long on this heather; there is a heavy dew."
“Oh, yes! Can you go now? I’m worried about you lying on this heather for too long; there's a heavy dew.”
He was so anxious to comply with her wish, and not weary out her thought for him, and so turn her back upon herself, that he tried to rise. The pain was acute, and this she saw.
He was so eager to fulfill her wish and not wear out her concern for him, turning her focus inward, that he attempted to get up. The pain was intense, and she noticed it.
"Don't hurry yourself, sir; I can wait."
"Take your time, sir; I can wait."
Then came across her mind the recollection of the business that was thus deferred; but the few homely words which had been exchanged between them seemed to have awakened her from her madness. She sat down by him, and, covering her face with her hands, cried mournfully and unceasingly. She forgot his presence, and yet she had a consciousness that some one looked for her kind offices, that she was wanted in the world, and must not rush hastily out of it. The consciousness did not take this definite form, it did not become a thought, but it kept her still, and it was gradually soothing her.
Then the memory of the business that had been put off came to her mind; however, the few simple words they had exchanged seemed to have brought her back to reality. She sat down beside him, covering her face with her hands, and cried sadly and continuously. She forgot he was there, yet she felt that someone needed her help, that she was needed in the world, and she must not leave it impulsively. This awareness didn’t take a clear shape or become a thought, but it kept her still and was slowly calming her.
"Can you help me to rise now?" said he, after a while. She did not speak, but she helped him up, and then he took her arm, and she led him tenderly through all the little velvet paths, where the turf grew short and soft between the rugged stones. Once more on the highway, they slowly passed along in the moonlight. He guided her by a slight motion of the arm, through the more unfrequented lanes, to his lodgings at the shop; for he thought for her, and conceived the pain she would have in seeing the lighted windows of the inn. He leant more heavily on her arm, as they awaited the opening of the door.
"Can you help me get up now?" he asked after a moment. She didn't say anything, but she helped him up, and then he took her arm, and she gently led him along the little velvet paths, where the grass was short and soft between the rough stones. Once back on the main road, they slowly walked in the moonlight. He guided her with a subtle movement of his arm through the less traveled streets to his place by the shop; he was mindful of her feelings and imagined how painful it would be for her to see the lit windows of the inn. He leaned more heavily on her arm as they waited for the door to open.
"Come in," said he, not relaxing his hold, and yet dreading to tighten it, lest she should defy restraint, and once more rush away.
"Come in," he said, still holding on tightly but worried to grip harder, fearing she might resist and run off again.
They went slowly into the little parlour behind the shop. The bonny-looking hostess, Mrs Hughes by name, made haste to light the candle, and then they saw each other, face to face. The deformed gentleman looked very pale, but Ruth looked as if the shadow of death was upon her.
They walked slowly into the small parlor behind the shop. The attractive hostess, Mrs. Hughes, quickly lit the candle, and then they saw each other, face to face. The man with the deformity looked very pale, but Ruth appeared as if the shadow of death was hovering over her.
CHAPTER IX
The Storm-Spirit Subdued
Mrs Hughes bustled about with many a sympathetic exclamation, now in pretty broken English, now in more fluent Welsh, which sounded as soft as Russian or Italian, in her musical voice. Mr Benson, for that was the name of the hunchback, lay on the sofa, thinking; while the tender Mrs Hughes made every arrangement for his relief from pain. He had lodged with her for three successive years, and she knew and loved him.
Mrs. Hughes moved around with plenty of sympathetic comments, sometimes in slightly broken English and other times in more fluent Welsh, which sounded as soft as Russian or Italian in her melodic voice. Mr. Benson, that was the name of the hunchback, lay on the sofa, deep in thought, while the caring Mrs. Hughes made every effort to ease his pain. He had been staying with her for three years, and she knew and cared for him deeply.
Ruth stood in the little bow-window, looking out. Across the moon, and over the deep blue heavens, large, torn, irregular-shaped clouds went hurrying, as if summoned by some storm-spirit. The work they were commanded to do was not here; the mighty gathering-place lay eastward, immeasurable leagues, and on they went, chasing each other over the silent earth, now black, now silver-white at one transparent edge, now with the moon shining like Hope through their darkest centre, now again with a silver lining; and now, utterly black, they sailed lower in the lift, and disappeared behind the immovable mountains; they were rushing in the very direction in which Ruth had striven and struggled to go that afternoon; they, in their wild career, would soon pass over the very spot where he (her world's he) was lying sleeping, or perhaps not sleeping, perhaps thinking of her. The storm was in her mind, and rent and tore her purposes into forms as wild and irregular as the heavenly shapes she was looking at. If, like them, she could pass the barrier horizon in the night, she might overtake him.
Ruth stood in the small bow-window, gazing outside. Across the moon and over the deep blue sky, large, torn, irregular clouds rushed by, as if called by some storm spirit. The task they were meant to carry out was not here; the enormous gathering place lay to the east, countless leagues away, and still they moved, chasing one another over the silent earth, now black, now silver-white at one clear edge, now with the moon shining like hope through their darkest center, then again with a silver lining; and now, completely black, they sailed lower in the atmosphere and vanished behind the unmovable mountains; they were racing in the very direction that Ruth had tried so hard to go that afternoon; they, in their wild flight, would soon pass over the exact spot where he (the one she cared about) was lying asleep, or maybe not asleep, perhaps thinking of her. The storm was in her mind, ripping apart her plans into forms as wild and irregular as the celestial shapes she was observing. If, like them, she could break through the horizon in the night, she might catch up to him.
Mr Benson saw her look, and read it partially. He saw her longing gaze outwards upon the free, broad world, and thought that the syren waters, whose deadly music yet rang in her ears, were again tempting her. He called her to him, praying that his feeble voice might have power.
Mr. Benson noticed her expression and understood it to some extent. He saw her eager gaze fixed on the open, expansive world and thought that the alluring waters, whose dangerous melody still echoed in her ears, were tempting her once more. He called her over, hoping that his weak voice could reach her.
"My dear young lady, I have much to say to you; and God has taken my strength from me now when I most need it.—Oh, I sin to speak so—but, for His sake, I implore you to be patient here, if only till to-morrow morning." He looked at her, but her face was immovable, and she did not speak. She could not give up her hope, her chance, her liberty till to-morrow.
"My dear young lady, I have a lot to tell you, and God has taken my strength just when I need it the most. —Oh, I feel guilty for saying this—but, for His sake, I ask you to please be patient here, at least until tomorrow morning." He looked at her, but her expression was blank, and she stayed silent. She couldn't let go of her hope, her chance, her freedom until tomorrow.
"God help me," said he, mournfully, "my words do not touch her;" and, still holding her hand, he sank back on the pillows. Indeed, it was true that his words did not vibrate in her atmosphere. The storm-spirit raged there, and filled her heart with the thought that she was an outcast; and the holy words, "for His sake," were answered by the demon, who held possession, with a blasphemous defiance of the merciful God:
"God help me," he said sadly, "my words don’t reach her;" and, still holding her hand, he leaned back against the pillows. It was true that his words didn’t resonate in her world. A storm was raging inside her, filling her heart with the feeling that she was an outcast; and the holy words, "for His sake," were met with blasphemous defiance from the demon that had taken control, challenging the merciful God.
"What have I to do with Thee?"
"What do I have to do with You?"
He thought of every softening influence of religion which over his own disciplined heart had power, but put them aside as useless. Then the still small voice whispered, and he spake:
He considered every gentle influence of religion that had an effect on his own disciplined heart, but dismissed them as unhelpful. Then, the quiet voice urged him, and he spoke:
"In your mother's name, whether she be dead or alive, I command you to stay here until I am able to speak to you."
"In your mother's name, whether she is dead or alive, I command you to stay here until I can talk to you."
She knelt down at the foot of the sofa, and shook it with her sobs. Her heart was touched, and he hardly dared to speak again. At length he said:
She knelt down at the foot of the sofa and shook it with her cries. Her heart was heavy, and he could barely bring himself to speak again. Finally, he said:
"I know you will not go—you could not—for her sake. You will not, will you?"
"I know you won't go—you can't—for her sake. You won't, will you?"
"No," whispered Ruth; and then there was a great blank in her heart. She had given up her chance. She was calm, in the utter absence of all hope.
"No," whispered Ruth; and then there was a huge emptiness in her heart. She had given up her chance. She felt calm, completely devoid of any hope.
"And now you will do what I tell you," said he, gently, but, unconsciously to himself, in the tone of one who has found the hidden spell by which to rule spirits.
"And now you will do what I say," he said gently, but without realizing it, in the tone of someone who has discovered the secret to controlling spirits.
She slowly said, "Yes." But she was subdued.
She said slowly, "Yes." But she was quiet.
He called Mrs Hughes. She came from her adjoining shop.
He called Mrs. Hughes. She came from her neighboring shop.
"You have a bedroom within yours, where your daughter used to sleep, I think? I am sure you will oblige me, and I shall consider it as a great favour, if you will allow this young lady to sleep there to-night. Will you take her there now? Go, my dear. I have full trust in your promise not to leave until I can speak to you." His voice died away to silence; but as Ruth rose from her knees at his bidding, she looked at his face through her tears. His lips were moving in earnest, unspoken prayer, and she knew it was for her.
"You have a bedroom in your place where your daughter used to sleep, right? I'm sure you'll do me this favor, and I'll really appreciate it, if you let this young lady sleep there tonight. Can you take her there now? Go on, my dear. I trust you to stay there until I can talk to you." His voice faded into silence; but as Ruth stood up from her knees at his request, she looked at his face through her tears. His lips were moving in a sincere, silent prayer, and she knew it was for her.
That night, although his pain was relieved by rest, he could not sleep; and, as in fever, the coming events kept unrolling themselves before him in every changing and fantastic form. He met Ruth in all possible places and ways, and addressed her in every manner he could imagine most calculated to move and affect her to penitence and virtue. Towards morning he fell asleep, but the same thoughts haunted his dreams; he spoke, but his voice refused to utter aloud; and she fled, relentless, to the deep, black pool.
That night, even though he felt better from resting, he couldn’t sleep; and, like in a fever, the upcoming events kept playing out in front of him in all sorts of strange and vivid forms. He encountered Ruth in every possible place and scenario, and tried to address her in every way he could think of that would make her feel regret and inspire her to be better. Towards morning, he finally fell asleep, but the same thoughts haunted his dreams; he spoke, but his voice wouldn’t come out; and she escaped, unyielding, to the deep, dark pool.
But God works in His own way.
But God has His own way of doing things.
The visions melted into deep, unconscious sleep. He was awakened by a knock at the door, which seemed a repetition of what he had heard in his last sleeping moments.
The visions faded into a deep, unconscious sleep. He was stirred awake by a knock at the door, which felt like a replay of what he had heard in his last moments of slumber.
It was Mrs Hughes. She stood at the first word of permission within the room.
It was Mrs. Hughes. She stood at the first word of permission in the room.
"Please, sir, I think the young lady is very ill indeed, sir; perhaps you would please to come to her."
"Excuse me, sir, but I believe the young lady is very unwell; could you please come see her?"
"How is she ill?" said he, much alarmed.
"What's wrong with her?" he asked, clearly worried.
"Quite quiet-like, sir; but I think she is dying, that's all, indeed, sir!"
"Pretty quiet, sir; but I think she's dying, that's all, really, sir!"
"Go away, I will be with you directly!" he replied, his heart sinking within him.
"Go away, I’ll be with you soon!" he replied, feeling a weight in his heart.
In a very short time he was standing with Mrs Hughes by Ruth's bedside. She lay as still as if she were dead, her eyes shut, her wan face numbed into a fixed anguish of expression. She did not speak when they spoke, though after a while they thought she strove to do so. But all power of motion and utterance had left her. She was dressed in everything, except her bonnet, as she had been the day before; although sweet, thoughtful Mrs Hughes had provided her with nightgear, which lay on the little chest of drawers that served as a dressing-table. Mr Benson lifted up her arm to feel her feeble, fluttering pulse; and when he let go her hand, it fell upon the bed in a dull, heavy way, as if she were already dead.
In no time at all, he was standing with Mrs. Hughes by Ruth's bedside. She lay as still as if she were dead, her eyes closed, her pale face frozen in a look of deep anguish. She didn’t respond when they talked, although after a while, they thought she tried to. But all ability to move and speak had left her. She was dressed in everything except her bonnet, just like the day before; although kind, considerate Mrs. Hughes had brought her pajamas, which were on the small chest of drawers that served as a dressing table. Mr. Benson lifted her arm to check her weak, fluttering pulse; and when he let go of her hand, it dropped onto the bed heavily, as if she were already dead.
"You gave her some food?" said he, anxiously, to Mrs Hughes.
"You gave her some food?" he said anxiously to Mrs. Hughes.
"Indeed, and I offered her the best in the house, but she shook her poor pretty head, and only asked if I would please to get her a cup of water. I brought her some milk though, and 'deed, I think she'd rather have had the water; but not to seem sour and cross, she took some milk." By this time Mrs Hughes was fairly crying.
"Sure enough, I offered her the best we had, but she shook her sweet little head and just asked if I could please get her a cup of water. I brought her some milk instead, but honestly, I think she would have preferred the water; still, not wanting to seem ungrateful or rude, she accepted the milk." By this point, Mrs. Hughes was almost in tears.
"When does the doctor come up here?"
"When does the doctor come here?"
"Indeed, sir, and he's up nearly every day now, the inn is so full."
"Yeah, sir, and he's getting up almost every day now; the inn is so crowded."
"I'll go for him. And can you manage to undress her and lay her in bed? Open the window too, and let in the air; if her feet are cold, put bottles of hot water to them."
"I'll go get him. Can you help undress her and get her into bed? Also, open the window to let some fresh air in; if her feet are cold, put hot water bottles on them."
It was a proof of the true love, which was the nature of both, that
it never crossed their minds to regret that this poor young creature
had been thus thrown upon their hands. On the contrary, Mrs Hughes
called it "a blessing."
It was a sign of their true love that neither of them ever thought to regret that this poor young person had been left in their care. On the contrary, Mrs. Hughes called it "a blessing."
"It blesseth him that gives, and him that takes."
"It benefits both the giver and the receiver."
CHAPTER X
A Note and the Answer
At the inn everything was life and bustle. Mr Benson had to wait long in Mrs Morgan's little parlour before she could come to him, and he kept growing more and more impatient. At last she made her appearance and heard his story.
At the inn, everything was lively and busy. Mr. Benson had to wait a long time in Mrs. Morgan's small parlor before she could attend to him, and he became increasingly impatient. Finally, she showed up and listened to his story.
People may talk as they will about the little respect that is paid to virtue, unaccompanied by the outward accidents of wealth or station; but I rather think it will be found that, in the long run, true and simple virtue always has its proportionate reward in the respect and reverence of every one whose esteem is worth having. To be sure, it is not rewarded after the way of the world as mere worldly possessions are, with low obeisance and lip-service; but all the better and more noble qualities in the hearts of others make ready and go forth to meet it on its approach, provided only it be pure, simple, and unconscious of its own existence.
People might say whatever they like about the little respect given to virtue that doesn't come with wealth or status; however, I believe that, over time, genuine and simple virtue always gets its fair share of respect and admiration from those whose regard truly matters. Of course, it’s not rewarded in the same way as worldly possessions, with superficial praise and flattery; instead, all the better and nobler qualities in others are prepared to greet it when it arrives, as long as it remains pure, simple, and unaware of its own value.
Mr Benson had little thought for outward tokens of respect just then, nor had Mrs Morgan much time to spare; but she smoothed her ruffled brow, and calmed her bustling manner, as soon as ever she saw who it was that awaited her; for Mr Benson was well known in the village where he had taken up his summer holiday among the mountains year after year, always a resident at the shop, and seldom spending a shilling at the inn.
Mr. Benson wasn't focused on outward signs of respect at that moment, and Mrs. Morgan didn’t have much time to waste; but she smoothed her furrowed brow and settled her busy demeanor as soon as she saw who was waiting for her. Mr. Benson was a familiar face in the village, where he spent his summer holidays in the mountains year after year, always staying at the shop and rarely spending any money at the inn.
Mrs Morgan listened patiently—for her.
Mrs. Morgan listened patiently—for her.
"Mr Jones will come this afternoon. But it is a shame you should be troubled with such as her. I had but little time yesterday, but I guessed there was something wrong, and Gwen has just been telling me her bed has not been slept in. They were in a pretty hurry to be gone yesterday, for all that the gentleman was not fit to travel, to my way of thinking; indeed, William Wynn, the post-boy, said he was weary enough before he got to the end of that Yspytty road; and he thought they would have to rest there a day or two before they could go further than Pen trê Voelas. Indeed, and anyhow, the servant is to follow them with the baggage this very morning; and now I remember, William Wynn said they would wait for her. You'd better write a note, Mr Benson, and tell them her state."
"Mr. Jones is coming this afternoon. But it's unfortunate that you have to deal with someone like her. I didn't have much time yesterday, but I sensed something was off, and Gwen just informed me that her bed hasn't been slept in. They left in quite a rush yesterday, even though I think the gentleman wasn't well enough to travel; in fact, William Wynn, the post-boy, mentioned he was exhausted by the time he reached the end of that Yspytty road, and he thought they might need to rest there for a day or two before moving past Pen trê Voelas. Anyway, the servant is set to follow them with the luggage this very morning; and now I recall, William Wynn said they would wait for her. You should write a note, Mr. Benson, to let them know about her condition."
It was good, though unpalatable advice. It came from one accustomed to bring excellent, if unrefined sense, to bear quickly upon any emergency, and to decide rapidly. She was, in truth, so little accustomed to have her authority questioned, that before Mr Benson had made up his mind, she had produced paper, pens, and ink from the drawer in her bureau, placed them before him, and was going to leave the room.
It was good advice, even if it was hard to swallow. It came from someone who was used to applying great, if blunt, common sense quickly in any situation and making decisions fast. She was so unaccustomed to having her authority challenged that before Mr. Benson had made up his mind, she had pulled out paper, pens, and ink from her desk drawer, set them in front of him, and was about to leave the room.
"Leave the note on this shelf, and trust me that it goes by the maid. The boy that drives her there in the car shall bring you an answer back."
"Leave the note on this shelf and trust me, it will get to the maid. The boy who drives her there in the car will bring you a response back."
She was gone before he could rally his scattered senses enough to remember that he had not the least idea of the name of the party to whom he was to write. The quiet leisure and peace of his little study at home favoured his habit of reverie and long deliberation, just as her position as mistress of an inn obliged her to quick, decisive ways.
She was gone before he could gather his thoughts enough to remember that he had no idea who he was supposed to write to. The calm and peaceful atmosphere of his small study at home encouraged his tendency to daydream and ponder for a long time, while her role as the owner of an inn forced her to act quickly and decisively.
Her advice, though good in some points, was unpalatable in others. It
was true that Ruth's condition ought to be known by those who were
her friends; but were these people to whom he was now going to write,
friends? He knew there was a rich mother, and a handsome, elegant
son; and he had also some idea of the circumstances which might a
little extenuate their mode of quitting Ruth. He had wide enough
sympathy to understand that it must have been a most painful position
in which the mother had been placed, on finding herself under the
same roof with a girl who was living with her son, as Ruth was. And
yet he did not like to apply to her; to write to the son was still
more out of the question, as it seemed like asking him to return. But
through one or the other lay the only clue to her friends, who
certainly ought to be made acquainted with her position. At length he
wrote:
Her advice was helpful in some ways but hard to accept in others. It was true that Ruth's situation should be known by those who cared about her; but were the people he was about to contact really friends? He knew there was a wealthy mother and a handsome, stylish son; and he also had some idea of the circumstances that might somewhat justify their decision to leave Ruth. He had enough empathy to realize how difficult it must have been for the mother to find herself living under the same roof as a girl who was with her son, like Ruth was. Still, he was hesitant to reach out to her; writing to the son felt even more inappropriate, as it seemed like asking him to come back. But one way or another, that was the only lead he had to her friends, who definitely needed to know about her situation. Finally, he decided to write:
MADAM,—I write to tell you of the condition of the poor young woman—[here came a long pause of deliberation]—who accompanied your son on his arrival here, and who was left behind on your departure yesterday. She is lying (as it appears to me) in a very dangerous state at my lodgings; and, if I may suggest, it would be kind to allow your maid to return and attend upon her until she is sufficiently recovered to be restored to her friends, if, indeed, they could not come to take charge of her themselves.
MADAM,—I am writing to update you on the condition of the young woman—[here came a long pause of deliberation]—who came here with your son and was left behind when you departed yesterday. She is here at my place in what appears to be a very serious condition; and, if I may suggest, it would be thoughtful to allow your maid to return and care for her until she is well enough to be with her friends, if they cannot come and care for her themselves.
I remain, madam,
Your obedient servant,I remain, madam,
Your obedient servant,Thurstan Benson.
Thurstan Benson.
The note was very unsatisfactory after all his consideration, but it was the best he could do. He made inquiry of a passing servant as to the lady's name, directed the note, and placed it on the indicated shelf. He then returned to his lodgings, to await the doctor's coming and the post-boy's return. There was no alteration in Ruth; she was as one stunned into unconsciousness; she did not move her posture, she hardly breathed. From time to time Mrs Hughes wetted her mouth with some liquid, and there was a little mechanical motion of the lips; that was the only sign of life she gave. The doctor came and shook his head,—"a thorough prostration of strength, occasioned by some great shock on the nerves,"—and prescribed care and quiet, and mysterious medicines, but acknowledged that the result was doubtful, very doubtful. After his departure, Mr Benson took his Welsh grammar and tried again to master the ever-puzzling rules for the mutations of letters; but it was of no use, for his thoughts were absorbed by the life-in-death condition of the young creature, who was lately bounding and joyous.
The note felt really unsatisfactory after all his thinking, but it was the best he could manage. He asked a passing servant for the lady's name, addressed the note, and placed it on the specified shelf. He then returned to his room, waiting for the doctor to arrive and the post-boy to come back. Ruth showed no change; she seemed like she was in a state of shock. She didn't shift her position, and barely breathed. Occasionally, Mrs. Hughes moistened her lips with some liquid, and there was a slight, mechanical movement of her lips; that was the only sign of life she gave. The doctor came and shook his head, stating, "a complete exhaustion of strength, caused by a significant shock to the nerves," and he prescribed care and rest, along with some mysterious medications, but admitted that the outcome was uncertain, very uncertain. After the doctor left, Mr. Benson took his Welsh grammar and tried again to grasp the ever-confusing rules for letter mutations; but it was pointless, as his mind was consumed by the life-in-death state of the young woman, who had recently been so vibrant and happy.
The maid and the luggage, the car and the driver, had arrived before noon at their journey's end, and the note had been delivered. It annoyed Mrs Bellingham exceedingly. It was the worst of these kind of connexions, there was no calculating the consequences; they were never-ending. All sorts of claims seemed to be established, and all sorts of people to step in to their settlement. The idea of sending her maid! Why, Simpson would not go if she asked her. She soliloquised thus while reading the letter; and then, suddenly turning round to the favourite attendant, who had been listening to her mistress's remarks with no inattentive ear, she asked:
The maid and the luggage, the car and the driver, arrived before noon at their destination, and the note had been delivered. This annoyed Mrs. Bellingham greatly. It was the worst kind of connection; the consequences were unpredictable and never-ending. It felt like all sorts of claims were being made, and all kinds of people were stepping in to settle them. The idea of sending her maid! Simpson wouldn’t go even if she asked. She thought this to herself while reading the letter; then, suddenly turning to her favorite attendant, who had been listening closely to her remarks, she asked:
"Simpson, would you go and nurse this creature, as this—" she looked at the signature—"Mr Benson, whoever he is, proposes?"
"Simpson, could you go take care of this person, as this—" she glanced at the signature—"Mr. Benson, whoever that is, suggests?"
"Me! no, indeed, ma'am," said the maid, drawing herself up, stiff in her virtue. "I'm sure, ma'am, you would not expect it of me; I could never have the face to dress a lady of character again."
"Me! No way, ma'am," said the maid, straightening herself, rigid in her integrity. "I'm sure, ma'am, you wouldn't expect that from me; I could never have the nerve to dress a lady of good character again."
"Well, well! don't be alarmed; I cannot spare you; by the way, just attend to the strings on my dress; the chambermaid here pulled them into knots, and broke them terribly, last night. It is awkward though, very," said she, relapsing into a musing fit over the condition of Ruth.
"Well, well! don't worry; I can't let you go; by the way, just fix the strings on my dress; the maid messed them up and broke them badly last night. It's so embarrassing, though, really," she said, slipping back into her thoughts about Ruth's situation.
"If you'll allow me, ma'am, I think I might say something that would alter the case. I believe, ma'am, you put a bank-note into the letter to the young woman yesterday?"
"If you don’t mind me saying, ma'am, I think I might have something that could change the situation. I believe, ma'am, you included a banknote in the letter to the young woman yesterday?"
Mrs Bellingham bowed acquiescence, and the maid went on:
Mrs. Bellingham nodded in agreement, and the maid continued:
"Because, ma'am, when the little deformed man wrote that note (he's Mr Benson, ma'am), I have reason to believe neither he nor Mrs Morgan knew of any provision being made for the young woman. Me and the chambermaid found your letter and the bank-note lying quite promiscuous, like waste paper, on the floor of her room; for I believe she rushed out like mad after you left."
"Because, ma'am, when the little deformed man wrote that note (he's Mr. Benson, ma'am), I believe that neither he nor Mrs. Morgan knew that any arrangements were being made for the young woman. The chambermaid and I found your letter and the banknote just lying around, like trash, on the floor of her room; I think she bolted out like she was crazy after you left."
"That, as you say, alters the case. This letter, then, is principally a sort of delicate hint that some provision ought to have been made, which is true enough, only it has been attended to already; what became of the money?"
"That, as you mentioned, changes things. This letter is really a subtle suggestion that some arrangements should have been made, which is true, but it has already been taken care of; what happened to the money?"
"Law, ma'am! do you ask? Of course, as soon as I saw it, I picked it up and took it to Mrs Morgan, in trust for the young person."
"Wow, really? You want to know? Well, as soon as I saw it, I grabbed it and took it to Mrs. Morgan, to keep it safe for the young lady."
"Oh, that's right. What friends has she? Did you ever hear from Mason?—perhaps they ought to know where she is."
"Oh, that's right. Who are her friends? Did you ever hear from Mason?—maybe they should know where she is."
"Mrs Mason did tell me, ma'am, she was an orphan; with a guardian who was no-ways akin, and who washed his hands of her when she ran off; but Mrs Mason was sadly put out, and went into hysterics, for fear you would think she had not seen after her enough, and that she might lose your custom; she said it was no fault of hers, for the girl was always a forward creature, boasting of her beauty, and saying how pretty she was, and striving to get where her good looks could be seen and admired,—one night in particular, ma'am, at a county ball; and how Mrs Mason had found out she used to meet Mr Bellingham at an old woman's house, who was a regular old witch, ma'am, and lives in the lowest part of the town, where all the bad characters haunt."
"Mrs. Mason did tell me, ma'am, that she was an orphan with a guardian who wasn’t related to her at all, and who washed his hands of her when she ran away. But Mrs. Mason was really upset and went into hysterics because she feared you might think she hadn’t taken good care of her and that she could lose your business. She claimed it wasn’t her fault, since the girl was always bold, bragging about her looks and wanting to be seen and admired — especially one night at a county ball. Mrs. Mason also found out that she used to meet Mr. Bellingham at the house of an old woman, who was a real witch, ma'am, living in the worst part of town where all the shady characters hang out."
"There! that's enough," said Mrs Bellingham, sharply, for the maid's chattering had outrun her tact; and in her anxiety to vindicate the character of her friend Mrs Mason by blackening that of Ruth, she had forgotten that she a little implicated her mistress's son, whom his proud mother did not like to imagine as ever passing through a low and degraded part of the town.
"There! That's enough," Mrs. Bellingham said sharply, since the maid's chattering had gone too far; in her eagerness to defend her friend Mrs. Mason by discrediting Ruth, she had forgotten that she slightly implicated her mistress’s son, whom his proud mother couldn't bear to think of ever passing through a low and degraded part of town.
"If she has no friends, and is the creature you describe (which is confirmed by my own observation), the best place for her is, as I said before, the Penitentiary. Her fifty pounds will keep her for a week or so, if she is really unable to travel, and pay for her journey; and if on her return to Fordham she will let me know, I will undertake to obtain her admission immediately."
"If she has no friends and is the person you describe (which I've seen for myself), the best place for her is, as I said before, the Penitentiary. Her fifty pounds will cover her for a week or so if she really can't travel, and it will pay for her trip. If she lets me know when she gets back to Fordham, I’ll make sure to get her admitted right away."
"I'm sure it's well for her she has to do with a lady who will take any interest in her, after what has happened."
"I'm sure it's good for her to be with a lady who cares about her, especially after everything that’s happened."
Mrs Bellingham called for her writing-desk, and wrote a few hasty
lines to be sent back by the post-boy, who was on the point of
starting:
Mrs. Bellingham asked for her writing desk and quickly wrote a few lines to be sent back by the mailboy, who was about to leave:
Mrs Bellingham presents her compliments to her unknown correspondent, Mr Benson, and begs to inform him of a circumstance of which she believes he was ignorant when he wrote the letter with which she has been favoured; namely, that provision to the amount of £50 was left for the unfortunate young person who is the subject of Mr Benson's letter. This sum is in the hands of Mrs Morgan, as well as a note from Mrs Bellingham to the miserable girl, in which she proposes to procure her admission into the Fordham Penitentiary, the best place for such a character, as by this profligate action she has forfeited the only friend remaining to her in the world. This proposition, Mrs Bellingham repeats; and they are the young woman's best friends who most urge her to comply with the course now pointed out.
Mrs. Bellingham sends her regards to her unknown correspondent, Mr. Benson, and wants to let him know something he might not have realized when he wrote the letter she received. Specifically, that a £50 provision was left for the unfortunate young woman mentioned in Mr. Benson's letter. This amount is held by Mrs. Morgan, along with a note from Mrs. Bellingham to the troubled girl, offering to arrange her admission to the Fordham Penitentiary, the best option for someone like her, since this reckless action has cost her the last friend she had in the world. Mrs. Bellingham emphasizes this suggestion again; those who truly care about the young woman are the ones who most encourage her to follow the path now laid out for her.
"Take care Mr Bellingham hears nothing of this Mr Benson's note," said Mrs Bellingham, as she delivered the answer to her maid; "he is so sensitive just now that it would annoy him sadly, I am sure."
"Make sure Mr. Bellingham doesn't hear about Mr. Benson's note," said Mrs. Bellingham as she gave the message to her maid. "He's so sensitive at the moment that it would really upset him, I'm sure."
CHAPTER XI
Thurstan and Faith Benson
You have now seen the note which was delivered into Mr Benson's
hands, as the cool shades of evening stole over the glowing summer
sky. When he had read it, he again prepared to write a few hasty
lines before the post went out. The post-boy was even now sounding
his horn through the village as a signal for letters to be ready; and
it was well that Mr Benson, in his long morning's meditation, had
decided upon the course to be pursued, in case of such an answer as
that which he had received from Mrs Bellingham. His present note was
as follows:
You have now seen the note that was handed to Mr. Benson as the cool evening shadows crept over the bright summer sky. After reading it, he started to write a few quick lines before the mail went out. The mail carrier was already sounding his horn through the village as a reminder for letters to be ready; it was fortunate that Mr. Benson, during his long morning of reflection, had decided on the course of action to take in response to Mrs. Bellingham's reply. His current note was as follows:
Dear Faith,—You must come to this place directly, where I earnestly desire you and your advice. I am well myself, so do not be alarmed. I have no time for explanation, but I am sure you will not refuse me; let me trust that I shall see you on Saturday at the latest. You know the mode by which I came; it is the best for expedition and cheapness. Dear Faith, do not fail me.
Dear Faith,—You need to come here as soon as possible; I really need you and your advice. I'm doing fine, so don’t worry. I don’t have time to explain, but I know you won’t say no; I hope to see you by Saturday at the latest. You know the way I took to get here; it’s the quickest and most affordable option. Please, Dear Faith, don’t let me down.
Your affectionate brother,
Your affectionate brother,
Thurstan Benson.
Thurstan Benson.
P.S.—I am afraid the money I left may be running short. Do not let this stop you. Take my Facciolati to Johnson's, he will advance upon it; it is the third row, bottom shelf. Only come.
P.S.—I’m worried that the money I left might be running low. Don’t let this stop you. Take my Facciolati to Johnson’s, and he’ll give you an advance on it; it’s on the third row, bottom shelf. Just come.
When this letter was despatched he had done all he could; and the
next two days passed like a long monotonous dream of watching,
thought, and care, undisturbed by any event, hardly by the change
from day to night, which, now the harvest moon was at her full, was
scarcely perceptible. On Saturday morning the answer came.
When this letter was sent, he had done everything he could; and the next two days felt like a long, dull dream of waiting, thinking, and worrying, with no interruptions, barely even noticing the shift from day to night, which, now that the harvest moon was full, was hardly noticeable. On Saturday morning, the response arrived.
Dearest Thurstan,—Your incomprehensible summons has just reached me, and I obey, thereby proving my right to my name of Faith. I shall be with you almost as soon as this letter. I cannot help feeling anxious, as well as curious. I have money enough, and it is well I have; for Sally, who guards your room like a dragon, would rather see me walk the whole way, than have any of your things disturbed.
Dear Thurstan,—I just got your puzzling request, and I'm replying to it, which proves I'm true to my name, Faith. I'll get there almost as fast as this letter. I can’t help but feel both anxious and curious. I have enough money, which is great, because Sally, who keeps an eye on your room like a hawk, would rather I walk the whole way than touch any of your things.
Your affectionate sister,
Your loving sister,
Faith Benson.
Faith Benson.
It was a great relief to Mr Benson to think that his sister would so soon be with him. He had been accustomed from childhood to rely on her prompt judgment and excellent sense; and to her care he felt that Ruth ought to be consigned, as it was too much to go on taxing good Mrs Hughes with night watching and sick nursing, with all her other claims on her time. He asked her once more to sit by Ruth, while he went to meet his sister.
It was a huge relief for Mr. Benson to think that his sister would be with him soon. Since childhood, he had relied on her quick judgment and great sense; he felt that Ruth should be in her care, as it was too much to keep asking good Mrs. Hughes to watch over Ruth at night and care for her while also juggling all her other responsibilities. He asked her once more to stay with Ruth while he went to meet his sister.
The coach passed by the foot of the steep ascent which led up to Llan-dhu. He took a boy to carry his sister's luggage when she arrived; they were too soon at the bottom of the hill, and the boy began to make ducks and drakes in the shallowest part of the stream, which there flowed glassy and smooth, while Mr Benson sat down on a great stone, under the shadow of an alder bush which grew where the green, flat meadow skirted the water. It was delightful to be once more in the open air, and away from the scenes and thoughts which had been pressing on him for the last three days. There was new beauty in everything: from the blue mountains which glimmered in the distant sunlight, down to the flat, rich, peaceful vale, with its calm round shadows, where he sat. The very margin of white pebbles which lay on the banks of the stream had a sort of cleanly beauty about it. He felt calmer and more at ease than he had done for some days; and yet, when he began to think, it was rather a strange story which he had to tell his sister, in order to account for his urgent summons. Here was he, sole friend and guardian of a poor sick girl, whose very name he did not know; about whom all that he did know was, that she had been the mistress of a man who had deserted her, and that he feared—he believed—she had contemplated suicide. The offence, too, was one for which his sister, good and kind as she was, had little compassion. Well, he must appeal to her love for him, which was a very unsatisfactory mode of proceeding, as he would far rather have had her interest in the girl founded on reason, or some less personal basis than showing it merely because her brother wished it.
The coach passed by the steep hill that led up to Llan-dhu. He brought a boy along to carry his sister's luggage when she arrived; they got to the bottom of the hill too early, and the boy started skipping stones in the shallow part of the stream, which flowed smooth and clear. Mr. Benson sat down on a large stone under the shade of an alder bush that grew at the edge of the green, flat meadow by the water. It felt great to be outdoors again, away from the worries and thoughts that had been weighing on him for the past three days. Everything looked more beautiful: from the blue mountains shimmering in the distant sunlight to the peaceful, rich valley with its gentle shadows where he sat. Even the white pebbles lining the stream's banks had a clean, beautiful charm. He felt calmer and more at ease than he had in days; yet, when he started to think, he realized he had a strange story to tell his sister to explain his urgent call for her help. Here he was, the only friend and guardian of a poor sick girl whose name he didn’t even know, with all he did know being that she had been involved with a man who had abandoned her, and he feared—he believed—she had considered suicide. The situation was one that his sister, kind and good-hearted as she was, would have little sympathy for. Well, he would have to rely on her love for him, which felt like a pretty unsatisfactory way to go about it, as he would have preferred her interest in the girl to be based on reason or some less personal reason than just doing it because her brother asked her to.
The coach came slowly rumbling over the stony road. His sister was outside, but got down in a brisk active way, and greeted her brother heartily and affectionately. She was considerably taller than he was, and must have been very handsome; her black hair was parted plainly over her forehead, and her dark, expressive eyes and straight nose still retained the beauty of her youth. I do not know whether she was older than her brother, but, probably owing to his infirmity requiring her care, she had something of a mother's manner towards him.
The coach rumbled slowly over the rugged road. His sister was outside; she jumped down quickly and greeted her brother warmly and affectionately. She was notably taller than he was and must have been very beautiful; her black hair was simply parted over her forehead, and her dark, expressive eyes and straight nose still held the beauty of her youth. I’m not sure if she was older than her brother, but probably because he needed her care, she had a bit of a motherly attitude towards him.
"Thurstan, you are looking pale! I do not believe you are well, whatever you may say. Have you had the old pain in your back?"
"Thurstan, you look pale! I don't think you're well, no matter what you say. Have you been having that old back pain again?"
"No—a little—never mind that, dearest Faith. Sit down here, while I send the boy up with your box." And then, with some little desire to show his sister how well he was acquainted with the language, he blundered out his directions in very grammatical Welsh; so grammatical, in fact, and so badly pronounced, that the boy, scratching his head, made answer,
"No—a little—never mind that, dear Faith. Sit down here while I send the boy up with your box." Then, wanting to impress his sister with how well he knew the language, he awkwardly gave his instructions in very proper Welsh; so proper, in fact, and so poorly pronounced, that the boy, scratching his head, replied,
"Dim Saesoneg."
"Dim Saesoneg."
So he had to repeat it in English.
So he had to say it again in English.
"Well now, Thurstan, here I sit as you bid me. But don't try me too long; tell me why you sent for me."
"Well, Thurstan, here I am as you asked. But don’t keep me waiting; just tell me why you called me."
Now came the difficulty, and oh! for a seraph's tongue, and a seraph's powers of representation! but there was no seraph at hand, only the soft running waters singing a quiet tune, and predisposing Miss Benson to listen with a soothed spirit to any tale, not immediately involving her brother's welfare, which had been the cause of her seeing that lovely vale.
Now came the challenge, and oh! for the ability to express like an angel, and to communicate like one! But there was no angel around, only the gently flowing waters singing a peaceful melody, which made Miss Benson ready to listen with a calm heart to any story that didn’t directly concern her brother's well-being, the reason she had come to see that beautiful valley.
"It is an awkward story to tell, Faith, but there is a young woman lying ill at my lodgings whom I wanted you to nurse."
"It’s an uncomfortable story to share, Faith, but there’s a young woman sick at my place whom I wanted you to take care of."
He thought he saw a shadow on his sister's face, and detected a slight change in her voice as she spoke.
He thought he saw a shadow on his sister's face and noticed a slight change in her voice as she spoke.
"Nothing very romantic, I hope, Thurstan. Remember, I cannot stand much romance; I always distrust it."
"Nothing too romantic, I hope, Thurstan. Just remember, I can't handle too much romance; I always find it hard to trust."
"I don't know what you mean by romance. The story is real enough, and not out of the common way, I'm afraid."
"I don’t really understand what you mean by romance. The story is realistic and not anything out of the ordinary, I’m afraid."
He paused; he did not get over the difficulty.
He paused; he couldn't overcome the difficulty.
"Well, tell it me at once, Thurstan. I am afraid you have let some one, or perhaps only your own imagination, impose upon you; but don't try my patience too much; you know I've no great stock."
"Well, just tell me right away, Thurstan. I'm worried that you've let someone, or maybe just your own imagination, trick you; but don't push my patience too far; you know I don’t have a lot of it."
"Then I'll tell you. The young girl was brought to the inn here by a gentleman, who has left her; she is very ill, and has no one to see after her."
"Then I'll tell you. A gentleman brought the young girl to this inn and has since left her; she is very sick and has no one to take care of her."
Miss Benson had some masculine tricks, and one was whistling a long, low whistle when surprised or displeased. She had often found it a useful vent for feelings, and she whistled now. Her brother would rather she had spoken.
Miss Benson had some guy-like habits, and one of them was letting out a long, low whistle when she was surprised or upset. She had often found it helpful to express her emotions this way, and she whistled now. Her brother would have preferred if she had just said something.
"Have you sent for her friends?" she asked at last.
"Did you call her friends?" she finally asked.
"She has none."
"She doesn't have any."
Another pause and another whistle, but rather softer and more wavering than the last.
Another pause and another whistle, but this one was softer and more unsteady than the last.
"How is she ill?"
"What's wrong with her?"
"Pretty nearly as quiet as if she were dead. She does not speak, or move, or even sigh."
"Almost as quiet as if she were dead. She doesn’t speak, move, or even sigh."
"It would be better for her to die at once, I think."
"It would be better for her to die right away, I think."
"Faith!"
"Believe!"
That one word put them right. It was spoken in the tone which had authority over her; it was so full of grieved surprise and mournful upbraiding. She was accustomed to exercise a sway over him, owing to her greater decision of character, and, probably, if everything were traced to its cause, to her superior vigour of constitution; but at times she was humbled before his pure, childlike nature, and felt where she was inferior. She was too good and true to conceal this feeling, or to resent its being forced upon her. After a time she said,
That one word set them straight. It was said in a tone that had power over her; it was filled with a mix of shocked disappointment and sorrowful reproach. She usually held sway over him because of her stronger will and probably, if you looked closely, her better health; but at times she felt humbled by his innocent, childlike nature and recognized her own shortcomings. She was too genuine and sincere to hide this feeling or to be upset that it was brought to her attention. After a while, she said,
"Thurstan, dear, let us go to her."
"Thurstan, dear, let's go see her."
She helped him with tender care, and gave him her arm up the long and tedious hill; but when they approached the village, without speaking a word on the subject, they changed their position, and she leant (apparently) on him. He stretched himself up into as vigorous a gait as he could, when they drew near to the abodes of men.
She helped him with gentle care and offered her arm as they climbed the long, exhausting hill; but as they got closer to the village, without saying anything about it, they switched places, and she leaned (or at least seemed to lean) on him. He straightened up and walked as confidently as he could when they neared the homes of people.
On the way they had spoken but little. He had asked after various members of his congregation, for he was a Dissenting minister in a country town, and she had answered; but they neither of them spoke of Ruth, though their minds were full of her.
On the way, they hardly talked. He asked about different members of his congregation since he was a Dissenting minister in a small town, and she answered, but neither of them mentioned Ruth, even though they were both thinking about her.
Mrs Hughes had tea ready for the traveller on her arrival. Mr Benson chafed a little internally at the leisurely way in which his sister sipped and sipped, and paused to tell him some trifling particular respecting home affairs, which she had forgotten before.
Mrs. Hughes had tea ready for the traveler when she arrived. Mr. Benson felt a bit annoyed inside at the slow way his sister continued to sip and paused to share some minor detail about home matters that she had forgotten earlier.
"Mr Bradshaw has refused to let the children associate with the Dixons any longer, because one evening they played at acting charades."
"Mr. Bradshaw has stopped the children from hanging out with the Dixons anymore because one evening they played charades."
"Indeed;—a little more bread and butter, Faith?"
"Sure;—a bit more bread and butter, Faith?"
"Thank you. This Welsh air does make one hungry. Mrs Bradshaw is paying poor old Maggie's rent, to save her from being sent into the workhouse."
"Thank you. This Welsh atmosphere really makes you hungry. Mrs. Bradshaw is covering poor old Maggie's rent to keep her from being sent to the workhouse."
"That's right. Won't you have another cup of tea?"
"That's right. Would you like another cup of tea?"
"I have had two. However, I think I'll take another."
"I've had two. But I think I'll have another one."
Mr Benson could not refrain from a little sigh as he poured it out. He thought he had never seen his sister so deliberately hungry and thirsty before. He did not guess that she was feeling the meal rather a respite from a distasteful interview, which she was aware was awaiting her at its conclusion. But all things come to an end, and so did Miss Benson's tea.
Mr. Benson couldn't help but let out a small sigh as he poured it. He thought he had never seen his sister look so intentionally hungry and thirsty before. He didn't realize that she was seeing the meal as more of a break from an unpleasant conversation that she knew was waiting for her when it was all over. But everything has to end, and so did Miss Benson's tea.
"Now, will you go and see her?"
"Now, will you go and visit her?"
"Yes."
Yes.
And so they went. Mrs Hughes had pinned up a piece of green calico, by way of a Venetian blind, to shut out the afternoon sun; and in the light thus shaded lay Ruth, still, and wan, and white. Even with her brother's account of Ruth's state, such death-like quietness startled Miss Benson—startled her into pity for the poor lovely creature who lay thus stricken and felled. When she saw her, she could no longer imagine her to be an impostor, or a hardened sinner; such prostration of woe belonged to neither. Mr Benson looked more at his sister's face than at Ruth's; he read her countenance as a book.
And so they went. Mrs. Hughes had hung a piece of green fabric up as a makeshift blind to block out the afternoon sun; in the dim light, Ruth lay there, still, pale, and white. Even with her brother's description of Ruth's condition, the deep silence shocked Miss Benson—shocked her into feeling pity for the poor, beautiful girl who lay there so stricken and broken. When she saw her, she could no longer think of her as a fraud or a hardened sinner; such deep sorrow didn't belong to either. Mr. Benson focused more on his sister's expression than on Ruth’s; he read her face like a book.
Mrs Hughes stood by, crying.
Mrs. Hughes stood by, crying.
Mr Benson touched his sister, and they left the room together.
Mr. Benson touched his sister, and they left the room together.
"Do you think she will live?" asked he.
"Do you think she will survive?" he asked.
"I cannot tell," said Miss Benson, in a softened voice. "But how young she looks! Quite a child, poor creature! When will the doctor come, Thurstan? Tell me all about her; you have never told me the particulars."
"I can't say," Miss Benson replied softly. "But she looks so young! Such a child, the poor thing! When is the doctor coming, Thurstan? Tell me everything about her; you've never mentioned the details."
Mr Benson might have said, she had never cared to hear them before, and had rather avoided the subject; but he was too happy to see this awakening of interest in his sister's warm heart to say anything in the least reproachful. He told her the story as well as he could; and, as he felt it deeply, he told it with heart's eloquence; and, as he ended and looked at her, there were tears in the eyes of both.
Mr. Benson could have mentioned that she had never shown much interest in hearing them before and had mostly steered clear of the topic, but he was too happy to witness this new interest in his sister's warm heart to say anything even slightly critical. He shared the story as best as he could; and since he felt it deeply, he conveyed it with heartfelt emotion. As he finished and looked at her, both of them had tears in their eyes.
"And what does the doctor say?" asked she, after a pause.
"And what does the doctor say?" she asked after a brief pause.
"He insists upon quiet; he orders medicines and strong broth. I cannot tell you all; Mrs Hughes can. She has been so truly good. 'Doing good, hoping for nothing again.'"
"He insists on silence; he requests medications and hearty broth. I can't share everything; Mrs. Hughes can. She's been really wonderful. 'Doing good, expecting nothing in return.'"
"She looks very sweet and gentle. I shall sit up to-night and watch her myself; and I shall send you and Mrs Hughes early to bed, for you have both a worn look about you I don't like. Are you sure the effect of that fall has gone off? Do you feel anything of it in your back still? After all, I owe her something for turning back to your help. Are you sure she was going to drown herself?"
"She looks really sweet and gentle. I'm going to stay up tonight and watch over her myself; and I'll send you and Mrs. Hughes to bed early because both of you look worn out, and I don't like it. Are you sure the effects of that fall are gone? Do you still feel anything in your back? I owe her something for coming back to help you. Are you sure she was going to drown herself?"
"I cannot be sure, for I have not questioned her. She has not been in a state to be questioned; but I have no doubt whatever about it. But you must not think of sitting up after your journey, Faith."
"I can’t be sure, since I haven’t asked her. She hasn’t been able to be asked; but I have no doubt about it at all. But you shouldn't think about staying up after your trip, Faith."
"Answer me, Thurstan. Do you feel any bad effect from that fall?"
"Answer me, Thurstan. Are you feeling any negative effects from that fall?"
"No, hardly any. Don't sit up, Faith, to-night!"
"No, hardly any. Don't sit up, Faith, tonight!"
"Thurstan, it's no use talking, for I shall; and, if you go on opposing me, I dare say I shall attack your back, and put a blister on it. Do tell me what that 'hardly any' means. Besides, to set you quite at ease, you know I have never seen mountains before, and they fill me and oppress me so much that I could not sleep; I must keep awake this first night, and see that they don't fall on the earth and overwhelm it. And now answer my questions about yourself."
"Thurstan, there's no point in arguing, because I will speak; and if you keep opposing me, I might just take action against you. Please explain what 'hardly any' means. Also, just to put your mind at ease, I've never seen mountains before, and they overwhelm me so much that I can’t sleep; I need to stay awake tonight to make sure they don’t crash down and destroy the earth. Now, please answer my questions about yourself."
Miss Benson had the power, which some people have, of carrying her wishes through to their fulfilment; her will was strong, her sense was excellent, and people yielded to her—they did not know why. Before ten o'clock she reigned sole power and potentate in Ruth's little chamber. Nothing could have been better devised for giving her an interest in the invalid. The very dependence of one so helpless upon her care inclined her heart towards her. She thought she perceived a slight improvement in the symptoms during the night, and she was a little pleased that this progress should have been made while she reigned monarch of the sick-room. Yes, certainly there was an improvement. There was more consciousness in the look of the eyes, although the whole countenance still retained its painful traces of acute suffering, manifested in an anxious, startled, uneasy aspect. It was broad morning light, though barely five o'clock, when Miss Benson caught the sight of Ruth's lips moving, as if in speech. Miss Benson stooped down to listen.
Miss Benson had the ability that some people have to make her wishes come true; her will was strong, her judgment was spot-on, and people just went along with her—they didn’t really understand why. By 10 o'clock, she was in complete control in Ruth's little room. Nothing could have been better to make her care about the sick girl. The very fact that someone so helpless relied on her made her heart go out to her. She thought she noticed a slight improvement in Ruth’s symptoms overnight, and she felt a bit pleased that this progress happened while she was in charge of the sickroom. Yes, there was definitely an improvement. There was more awareness in the look of Ruth's eyes, even though her whole face still showed clear signs of intense suffering, which appeared in her anxious, startled, uneasy expression. It was already bright morning light, but barely five o'clock, when Miss Benson saw Ruth's lips moving as if trying to speak. Miss Benson leaned down to listen.
"Who are you?" asked Ruth, in the faintest of whispers.
"Who are you?" Ruth asked, barely above a whisper.
"Miss Benson—Mr Benson's sister," she replied.
"Miss Benson—Mr. Benson's sister," she replied.
The words conveyed no knowledge to Ruth; on the contrary, weak as a babe in mind and body as she was, her lips began to quiver, and her eyes to show a terror similar to that of any little child who wakens in the presence of a stranger, and sees no dear, familiar face of mother or nurse to reassure its trembling heart.
The words didn’t make any sense to Ruth; instead, feeling as fragile as a baby in both mind and body, her lips started to tremble, and her eyes reflected a fear like that of a young child who wakes up to find a stranger nearby and doesn’t see the comforting, familiar face of a mother or caregiver to calm its scared heart.
Miss Benson took her hand in hers, and began to stroke it caressingly.
Miss Benson took her hand in hers and started to stroke it gently.
"Don't be afraid, dear; I'm a friend come to take care of you. Would you like some tea now, my love?"
"Don't worry, sweetheart; I'm a friend here to look after you. Would you like some tea now, my love?"
The very utterance of these gentle words was unlocking Miss Benson's heart. Her brother was surprised to see her so full of interest, when he came to inquire later on in the morning. It required Mrs Hughes's persuasions, as well as his own, to induce her to go to bed for an hour or two after breakfast; and, before she went, she made them promise that she should be called when the doctor came. He did not come until late in the afternoon. The invalid was rallying fast, though rallying to a consciousness of sorrow, as was evinced by the tears which came slowly rolling down her pale sad cheeks—tears which she had not the power to wipe away.
The gentle words really touched Miss Benson's heart. Her brother was surprised to see her so engaged when he checked in later that morning. It took both Mrs. Hughes's encouragement and his own to get her to rest for an hour or two after breakfast; before she went, she made them promise to call her when the doctor arrived. He didn't show up until late in the afternoon. The patient was recovering quickly, but her awareness was filled with sorrow, as shown by the tears that slowly rolled down her pale, sad cheeks—tears she couldn't wipe away.
Mr Benson had remained in the house all day to hear the doctor's opinion; and now that he was relieved from the charge of Ruth by his sister's presence, he had the more time to dwell upon the circumstances of her case—so far as they were known to him. He remembered his first sight of her; her little figure swaying to and fro as she balanced herself on the slippery stones, half smiling at her own dilemma, with a bright, happy light in the eyes that seemed like a reflection from the glancing waters sparkling below. Then he recalled the changed, affrighted look of those eyes as they met his, after the child's rebuff of her advances;—how that little incident filled up the tale at which Mrs Hughes had hinted, in a kind of sorrowful way, as if loath (as a Christian should be) to believe evil. Then that fearful evening, when he had only just saved her from committing suicide, and that nightmare sleep! And now, lost, forsaken, and but just delivered from the jaws of death, she lay dependent for everything on his sister and him,—utter strangers a few weeks ago. Where was her lover? Could he be easy and happy? Could he grow into perfect health, with these great sins pressing on his conscience with a strong and hard pain? Or had he a conscience?
Mr. Benson had stayed in the house all day to hear the doctor's opinion, and now that his sister was there to take care of Ruth, he had more time to think about her situation as much as he understood it. He remembered the first time he saw her; her tiny figure swaying back and forth as she balanced on the slippery stones, half-smiling at her own predicament, with a bright, happy sparkle in her eyes that looked like a reflection from the shimmering water below. Then he recalled the terrified, changed look in those eyes as they met his after the child had rejected her attempts to connect. How that little incident completed the story Mrs. Hughes had hinted at, almost sorrowfully, as if she were reluctant (as any good Christian should be) to believe any bad news. Then there was that horrifying evening when he had just managed to save her from taking her own life, and the nightmare of that sleep! And now, lost and abandoned, just rescued from the brink of death, she lay relying on him and his sister for everything—complete strangers just weeks ago. Where was her lover? Could he be at peace and happy? Could he recover fully, carrying the weight of those heavy sins on his conscience, causing him deep, hard pain? Or did he even have a conscience?
Into whole labyrinths of social ethics Mr Benson's thoughts wandered, when his sister entered suddenly and abruptly.
Into whole labyrinths of social ethics, Mr. Benson's thoughts wandered when his sister suddenly and unexpectedly entered.
"What does the doctor say? Is she better?"
"What does the doctor say? Is she okay?"
"Oh, yes! she's better," answered Miss Benson, sharp and short. Her brother looked at her in dismay. She bumped down into a chair in a cross, disconcerted manner. They were both silent for a few minutes; only Miss Benson whistled and clucked alternately.
"Oh, yes! she's better," replied Miss Benson, curt and to the point. Her brother stared at her in shock. She plopped down into a chair in an irritated, flustered way. They sat in silence for a few minutes; the only sound was Miss Benson alternately whistling and clicking her tongue.
"What is the matter, Faith? You say she is better."
"What’s wrong, Faith? You say she’s doing better."
"Why, Thurstan, there is something so shocking the matter, that I cannot tell you."
"Thurstan, there's something so shocking going on that I can't even say it."
Mr Benson changed colour with affright. All things possible and impossible crossed his mind but the right one. I said, "all things possible;" I made a mistake. He never believed Ruth to be more guilty than she seemed.
Mr. Benson went pale with fear. Every possible and impossible thought raced through his mind except the right one. I said, "every possible thing;" I made a mistake. He never thought Ruth was more guilty than she appeared.
"Faith, I wish you would tell me, and not bewilder me with those noises of yours," said he, nervously.
"Honestly, I wish you would just tell me and not confuse me with those sounds you make," he said, feeling anxious.
"I beg your pardon; but something so shocking has just been discovered—I don't know how to word it—She will have a child. The doctor says so."
"I’m sorry to interrupt, but something really shocking has just come to light—I don’t know how to say this—She’s going to have a baby. The doctor confirmed it."
She was allowed to make noises unnoticed for a few minutes. Her brother did not speak. At last she wanted his sympathy.
She was free to make noises without anyone noticing for a few minutes. Her brother didn’t say anything. Finally, she wanted his support.
"Isn't it shocking, Thurstan? You might have knocked me down with a straw when he told me."
"Isn't it shocking, Thurstan? You could've knocked me over with a feather when he told me."
"Does she know?"
"Does she know?"
"Yes; and I am not sure that that isn't the worst part of all."
"Yeah; and I'm not sure that's not the worst part of it all."
"How?—what do you mean?"
"How? What do you mean?"
"Oh! I was just beginning to have a good opinion of her, but I'm afraid she is very depraved. After the doctor was gone, she pulled the bed-curtain aside, and looked as if she wanted to speak to me. (I can't think how she heard, for we were close to the window, and spoke very low.) Well, I went to her, though I really had taken quite a turn against her. And she whispered, quite eagerly, 'Did he say I should have a baby?' Of course, I could not keep it from her; but I thought it my duty to look as cold and severe as I could. She did not seem to understand how it ought to be viewed, but took it just as if she had a right to have a baby. She said, 'Oh, my God, I thank Thee! Oh! I will be so good!' I had no patience with her then, so I left the room."
"Oh! I was just starting to think well of her, but I'm afraid she’s really messed up. After the doctor left, she pulled the bed curtain aside and looked like she wanted to talk to me. (I can’t figure out how she heard us since we were close to the window and speaking very softly.) Anyway, I went over to her even though I had really turned against her. She whispered eagerly, 'Did he say I’m going to have a baby?' Of course, I couldn’t hide it from her, but I felt it was my duty to act as cold and stern as I could. She didn’t seem to get how serious this should be, and acted as if she had a right to have a baby. She said, 'Oh my God, thank You! Oh! I will be so good!' I was so frustrated with her at that moment, so I left the room."
"Who is with her?"
"Who's with her?"
"Mrs Hughes. She is not seeing the thing in a moral light, as I should have expected."
"Mrs. Hughes. She isn't seeing this from a moral perspective, as I would have expected."
Mr Benson was silent again. After some time he began:
Mr. Benson was quiet again. After a while, he started:
"Faith, I don't see this affair quite as you do. I believe I am right."
"Faith, I don’t see this situation the same way you do. I believe I’m right."
"You surprise me, brother! I don't understand you."
"You surprise me, bro! I just don't get you."
"Wait awhile! I want to make my feelings very clear to you, but I don't know where to begin, or how to express myself."
"Hold on a second! I need to be really clear about my feelings for you, but I’m not sure where to start or how to say it."
"It is, indeed, an extraordinary subject for us to have to talk about; but if once I get clear of this girl, I'll wash my hands of all such cases again."
"It’s definitely an unusual topic for us to discuss; but once I’m done with this girl, I’ll be finished with all of these cases for good."
Her brother was not attending to her; he was reducing his own ideas to form.
Her brother wasn't paying attention to her; he was organizing his own thoughts.
"Faith, do you know I rejoice in this child's advent?"
"Faith, do you know that I'm so happy about this child's arrival?"
"May God forgive you, Thurstan!—if you know what you are saying. But, surely, it is a temptation, dear Thurstan."
"May God forgive you, Thurstan!—if you really understand what you're saying. But, surely, it's a temptation, dear Thurstan."
"I do not think it is a delusion. The sin appears to me to be quite distinct from its consequences."
"I don't think it's a delusion. The sin seems to me to be totally separate from its consequences."
"Sophistry—and a temptation," said Miss Benson, decidedly.
"Sophistry—and a temptation," Miss Benson said firmly.
"No, it is not," said her brother, with equal decision. "In the eye of God, she is exactly the same as if the life she has led had left no trace behind. We knew her errors before, Faith."
"No, it isn't," her brother said firmly. "In God's eyes, she's exactly the same as if her past had left no marks. We knew about her mistakes before, Faith."
"Yes, but not this disgrace—this badge of her shame!"
"Yes, but not this humiliation—this symbol of her embarrassment!"
"Faith, Faith! let me beg of you not to speak so of the little innocent babe, who may be God's messenger to lead her back to Him. Think again of her first words—the burst of nature from her heart! Did she not turn to God, and enter into a covenant with Him—'I will be so good?' Why, it draws her out of herself! If her life has hitherto been self-seeking, and wickedly thoughtless, here is the very instrument to make her forget herself, and be thoughtful for another. Teach her (and God will teach her, if man does not come between) to reverence her child; and this reverence will shut out sin,—will be purification."
"Faith, Faith! Please, I urge you not to speak so harshly about the innocent little babe, who might be God's way of bringing her back to Him. Think again about her first words—the genuine expression from her heart! Did she not turn to God and make a promise to Him—'I will be so good?' It really draws her out of herself! If her life has been focused on selfishness and careless behavior, this is the perfect opportunity to help her forget about herself and think of someone else. Teach her (and God will guide her, as long as no one interferes) to honor her child; this honor will push away sin—it will be a form of purification."
He was very much excited; he was even surprised at his own excitement; but his thoughts and meditations through the long afternoon had prepared his mind for this manner of viewing the subject.
He was really excited; he was even surprised by his own excitement; but his thoughts and reflections throughout the long afternoon had prepared him to see the subject this way.
"These are quite new ideas to me," said Miss Benson, coldly. "I think you, Thurstan, are the first person I ever heard rejoicing over the birth of an illegitimate child. It appears to me, I must own, rather questionable morality."
"These are pretty new ideas for me," Miss Benson said coldly. "I think you, Thurstan, are the first person I've ever heard celebrating the birth of an illegitimate child. To be honest, it seems to me a bit questionable in terms of morality."
"I do not rejoice. I have been all this afternoon mourning over the sin which has blighted this young creature; I have been dreading lest, as she recovered consciousness, there should be a return of her despair. I have been thinking of every holy word, every promise to the penitent—of the tenderness which led the Magdalen aright. I have been feeling, severely and reproachfully, the timidity which has hitherto made me blink all encounter with evils of this particular kind. Oh, Faith! once for all, do not accuse me of questionable morality, when I am trying more than ever I did in my life to act as my blessed Lord would have done."
"I don’t feel joy. I’ve spent all afternoon grieving over the sin that has harmed this young person; I’ve been worried that as she wakes up, her despair might return. I’ve been reflecting on every sacred word, every promise made to those who repent—on the compassion that guided Mary Magdalene. I’ve been painfully aware, and filled with regret, about the fear that has kept me from confronting evils like this. Oh, Faith! Please don’t judge me for my morals while I’m doing everything I can to act as my blessed Lord would."
He was very much agitated. His sister hesitated, and then she spoke more softly than before.
He was extremely upset. His sister paused, then she spoke more gently than before.
"But, Thurstan, everything might have been done to 'lead her right' (as you call it), without this child, this miserable offspring of sin."
"But Thurstan, everything could have been done to 'guide her properly' (as you say), without this child, this unfortunate product of sin."
"The world has, indeed, made such children miserable, innocent as they are; but I doubt if this be according to the will of God, unless it be His punishment for the parents' guilt; and even then the world's way of treatment is too apt to harden the mother's natural love into something like hatred. Shame, and the terror of friends' displeasure, turn her mad—defile her holiest instincts; and, as for the fathers—God forgive them! I cannot—at least, not just now."
"The world has truly made these children miserable, no matter how innocent they are; but I wonder if this is really God’s intention, unless it’s His punishment for the parents’ wrongdoing. Even then, the way the world treats them often turns a mother’s natural love into something that feels like hatred. Shame and the fear of disappointing friends drive her to madness—corrupting her most sacred instincts; and as for the fathers—God forgive them! I can’t—not at least, not right now."
Miss Benson thought on what her brother said. At length she asked, "Thurstan (remember I'm not convinced), how would you have this girl treated according to your theory?"
Miss Benson reflected on what her brother said. After a while, she asked, "Thurstan (just so you know, I'm not convinced), how do you think this girl should be treated based on your theory?"
"It will require some time, and much Christian love, to find out the best way. I know I'm not very wise; but the way I think it would be right to act in, would be this—" He thought for some time before he spoke, and then said:
"It will take some time and a lot of Christian love to figure out the best approach. I know I'm not very wise, but the way I believe we should act is this—" He thought for a moment before he spoke and then said:
"She has incurred a responsibility—that we both acknowledge. She is about to become a mother, and have the direction and guidance of a little tender life. I fancy such a responsibility must be serious and solemn enough, without making it into a heavy and oppressive burden, so that human nature recoils from bearing it. While we do all we can to strengthen her sense of responsibility, I would likewise do all we can to make her feel that it is responsibility for what may become a blessing."
"She's taken on a responsibility—we both recognize that. She's about to become a mother and will guide and nurture a little life. I think this responsibility is serious and important enough without turning it into a heavy and overwhelming burden that makes anyone want to shy away from it. While we do everything we can to strengthen her sense of responsibility, I also want us to do everything possible to help her see that it’s a responsibility that could bring a blessing."
"Whether the children are legitimate or illegitimate?" asked Miss Benson, drily.
"Are the children legitimate or illegitimate?" asked Miss Benson, dryly.
"Yes!" said her brother, firmly. "The more I think, the more I believe I am right. No one," said he, blushing faintly as he spoke, "can have a greater recoil from profligacy than I have. You yourself have not greater sorrow over this young creature's sin than I have: the difference is this, you confuse the consequences with the sin."
"Yes!" her brother said firmly. "The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm right. No one," he said, blushing slightly, "feels a stronger aversion to recklessness than I do. You yourself don't feel more sorrow over this young person's mistake than I do; the difference is that you confuse the consequences with the mistake."
"I don't understand metaphysics."
"I don't get metaphysics."
"I am not aware that I am talking metaphysics. I can imagine that if the present occasion be taken rightly, and used well, all that is good in her may be raised to a height unmeasured but by God; while all that is evil and dark may, by His blessing, fade and disappear in the pure light of her child's presence. Oh, Father! listen to my prayer, that her redemption may date from this time. Help us to speak to her in the loving spirit of thy Holy Son!"
"I don’t realize that I’m talking about metaphysics. I can imagine that if we approach this moment the right way and use it well, everything good in her could be elevated to a level beyond what anyone can measure but God; while all the evil and darkness could, with His blessing, fade away in the pure light of her child’s presence. Oh, Father! Listen to my prayer, that her redemption may begin now. Help us to speak to her in the loving spirit of Your Holy Son!"
The tears were full in his eyes; he almost trembled in his earnestness. He was faint with the strong power of his own conviction, and with his inability to move his sister. But she was shaken. She sat very still for a quarter of an hour or more, while he leaned back, exhausted by his own feelings.
The tears filled his eyes; he was almost trembling with his intensity. He felt weak from the force of his own conviction, and from his failure to reach his sister. But she was affected. She sat very still for over fifteen minutes, while he leaned back, exhausted by his own emotions.
"The poor child!" said she, at length—"the poor, poor child! what it will have to struggle through and endure! Do you remember Thomas Wilkins, and the way he threw the registry of his birth and baptism back in your face? Why, he would not have the situation; he went to sea and was drowned, rather than present the record of his shame."
"The poor child!" she finally said. "The poor, poor child! Just imagine what it will have to go through and deal with! Do you remember Thomas Wilkins and how he threw the record of his birth and baptism back at you? He wouldn't accept the job; he chose to go to sea and ended up drowning rather than show the evidence of his shame."
"I do remember it all. It has often haunted me. She must strengthen her child to look to God, rather than to man's opinion. It will be the discipline, the penance, she has incurred. She must teach it to be (humanly speaking) self-dependent."
"I remember it all. It's often haunted me. She has to help her child turn to God instead of worrying about what people think. That will be the discipline and penance she has taken on. She needs to teach the child to be (on a human level) self-reliant."
"But after all," said Miss Benson (for she had known and esteemed poor Thomas Wilkins, and had mourned over his untimely death, and the recollection thereof softened her)—"after all, it might be concealed. The very child need never know its illegitimacy."
"But after all," said Miss Benson (for she had known and valued poor Thomas Wilkins, and had grieved over his premature death, and the memory of it softened her)—"after all, it could be kept a secret. The child might never have to know about its illegitimacy."
"How?" asked her brother.
"How?" her brother asked.
"Why—we know so little about her yet; but in that letter, it said she had no friends;—now, could she not go into quite a fresh place, and be passed off as a widow?"
"Why—we know so little about her yet; but in that letter, it said she had no friends;—now, couldn't she just move to a completely new place and be seen as a widow?"
Ah, tempter! unconscious tempter! Here was a way of evading the trials for the poor little unborn child, of which Mr Benson had never thought. It was the decision—the pivot, on which the fate of years moved; and he turned it the wrong way. But it was not for his own sake. For himself, he was brave enough to tell the truth; for the little helpless baby, about to enter a cruel, biting world, he was tempted to evade the difficulty. He forgot what he had just said, of the discipline and penance to the mother consisting in strengthening her child to meet, trustfully and bravely, the consequences of her own weakness. He remembered more clearly the wild fierceness, the Cain-like look, of Thomas Wilkins, as the obnoxious word in the baptismal registry told him that he must go forth branded into the world, with his hand against every man's, and every man's against him.
Ah, tempter! Unconscious tempter! Here was a way to escape the struggles for the poor little unborn child, something Mr. Benson had never considered. It was the decision—the turning point that determined years of fate; and he turned it the wrong way. But it wasn't for his own benefit. For himself, he was brave enough to speak the truth; for the little helpless baby, about to enter a harsh, unforgiving world, he was tempted to dodge the issue. He forgot what he had just said about the discipline and penance for the mother, which involved preparing her child to face the consequences of her own weakness with trust and courage. He recalled more vividly the wild intensity, the Cain-like expression, of Thomas Wilkins, as the unwelcome word in the baptismal registry informed him that he would enter the world marked, with his hand against every man’s, and every man’s against him.
"How could it be managed, Faith?"
"How could we handle it, Faith?"
"Nay, I must know much more, which she alone can tell us, before I can see how it is to be managed. It is certainly the best plan."
"Nah, I need to know a lot more, which only she can tell us, before I can figure out how to handle it. It's definitely the best plan."
"Perhaps it is," said her brother, thoughtfully, but no longer clearly or decidedly; and so the conversation dropped.
"Maybe it is," her brother said, thinking it over but no longer clearly or firmly; and so the conversation ended.
Ruth moved the bed-curtain aside, in her soft manner, when Miss Benson re-entered the room; she did not speak, but she looked at her as if she wished her to come near. Miss Benson went and stood by her. Ruth took her hand in hers and kissed it; then, as if fatigued even by this slight movement, she fell asleep.
Ruth gently pulled the bed curtain aside when Miss Benson came back into the room. She didn’t say anything, but her gaze seemed to invite her to come closer. Miss Benson approached and stood beside her. Ruth took her hand and kissed it; then, as if even that little movement had exhausted her, she fell asleep.
Miss Benson took up her work, and thought over her brother's speeches. She was not convinced, but she was softened and bewildered.
Miss Benson picked up her work and thought about her brother's speeches. She wasn't convinced, but she felt touched and confused.
CHAPTER XII
Losing Sight of the Welsh Mountains
Miss Benson continued in an undecided state of mind for the two next days; but on the third, as they sat at breakfast, she began to speak to her brother.
Miss Benson remained uncertain for the next two days; but on the third day, as they sat at breakfast, she started to talk to her brother.
"That young creature's name is Ruth Hilton."
"That young person's name is Ruth Hilton."
"Indeed! how did you find it out?"
"Really! How did you figure it out?"
"From herself, of course. She is much stronger. I slept with her last night, and I was aware she was awake long before I liked to speak, but at last I began. I don't know what I said, or how it went on, but I think it was a little relief to her to tell me something about herself. She sobbed and cried herself to sleep; I think she is asleep now."
"From her, obviously. She’s much stronger. I stayed with her last night, and I knew she was awake long before I was ready to talk, but eventually I started. I don’t remember exactly what I said or how it went, but I think it helped her a bit to share something about herself. She sobbed and cried herself to sleep; I believe she’s asleep now."
"Tell me what she said about herself."
"Tell me what she said about herself."
"Oh, it was really very little; it was evidently a most painful subject. She is an orphan, without brother or sister, and with a guardian, whom, I think she said, she never saw but once. He apprenticed her (after her father's death) to a dressmaker. This Mr Bellingham got acquainted with her, and they used to meet on Sunday afternoons. One day they were late, lingering on the road, when the dressmaker came up by accident. She seems to have been very angry, and not unnaturally so. The girl took fright at her threats, and the lover persuaded her to go off with him to London, there and then. Last May, I think it was. That's all."
"Oh, it was really very little; it was clearly a very painful topic. She’s an orphan, with no siblings, and has a guardian whom, I believe she said, she only saw once. After her father's death, he apprenticed her to a dressmaker. This Mr. Bellingham got to know her, and they would meet on Sunday afternoons. One day, they were running late, hanging out on the road, when the dressmaker happened to come by. She seemed to be very upset, and understandably so. The girl got scared by her threats, and her boyfriend convinced her to leave for London with him right then and there. I think it was last May. That's all."
"Did she express any sorrow for her error?"
"Did she show any regret for her mistake?"
"No, not in words, but her voice was broken with sobs, though she tried to make it steady. After a while she began to talk about her baby, but shyly, and with much hesitation. She asked me how much I thought she could earn as a dressmaker, by working very, very hard; and that brought us round to her child. I thought of what you had said, Thurstan, and I tried to speak to her as you wished me. I am not sure if it was right; I am doubtful in my own mind still."
"No, not in words, but her voice was choked with sobs, even though she tried to keep it steady. After a bit, she started to talk about her baby, but she did so shyly and with a lot of hesitation. She asked me how much I thought she could earn as a dressmaker if she worked really, really hard; and that led us back to her child. I thought about what you had said, Thurstan, and I tried to talk to her the way you wanted me to. I'm not sure if that was the right approach; I’m still unsure in my own mind."
"Don't be doubtful, Faith! Dear Faith, I thank you for your kindness."
"Don't doubt yourself, Faith! Thank you for your kindness, dear Faith."
"There is really nothing to thank me for. It is almost impossible to help being kind to her; there is something so meek and gentle about her, so patient, and so grateful!"
"There’s really nothing to thank me for. It’s almost impossible not to be kind to her; there’s something so humble and gentle about her, so patient, and so appreciative!"
"What does she think of doing?"
"What does she want to do?"
"Poor child! she thinks of taking lodgings—very cheap ones, she says; there she means to work night and day to earn enough for her child. For, she said to me, with such pretty earnestness, 'It must never know want, whatever I do. I have deserved suffering, but it will be such a little innocent darling!' Her utmost earnings would not be more than seven or eight shillings a week, I'm afraid; and then she is so young and so pretty!"
"Poor child! She’s thinking about getting a place to stay—very cheap ones, she says; there she plans to work day and night to earn enough for her child. Because, she said to me, with such sincere seriousness, ‘It must never know hunger, no matter what I do. I may deserve to suffer, but it will be such a little innocent darling!’ I’m afraid her maximum earnings would only be around seven or eight shillings a week; and on top of that, she’s so young and so pretty!"
"There is that fifty pounds Mrs Morgan brought me, and those two letters. Does she know about them yet?"
"There’s the fifty pounds Mrs. Morgan gave me, and those two letters. Does she know about them yet?"
"No; I did not like to tell her till she is a little stronger. Oh, Thurstan! I wish there was not this prospect of a child. I cannot help it. I do—I could see a way in which we might help her, if it were not for that."
"No; I didn’t want to tell her until she’s a bit stronger. Oh, Thurstan! I wish we didn’t have this chance of a child. I can’t help it. I do—I can see a way we could help her, if it weren’t for that."
"How do you mean?"
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, it's no use thinking of it, as it is! Or else we might have taken her home with us, and kept her till she had got a little dress-making in the congregation, but for this meddlesome child; that spoils everything. You must let me grumble to you, Thurstan. I was very good to her, and spoke as tenderly and respectfully of the little thing as if it were the Queen's, and born in lawful matrimony."
"Oh, there's no point in thinking about it like that! Otherwise, we could have taken her home with us and kept her until she learned a bit about dress-making in the community, if it weren't for that interfering kid; she ruins everything. You have to let me vent to you, Thurstan. I was really nice to her and spoke about the little one as gently and respectfully as if she were the Queen's and born in a proper marriage."
"That's right, my dear Faith! Grumble away to me, if you like. I'll forgive you, for the kind thought of taking her home with us. But do you think her situation is an insuperable objection?"
"That’s right, my dear Faith! Vent to me if you want. I’ll forgive you for the nice thought of bringing her home with us. But do you really think her situation is a major problem?"
"Why, Thurstan!—it's so insuperable, it puts it quite out of the question."
"Why, Thurstan!—it's so impossible, it completely rules it out."
"How?—that's only repeating your objection. Why is it out of the question?"
"How?—that’s just restating your point. Why is it impossible?"
"If there had been no child coming, we might have called her by her right name—Miss Hilton; that's one thing. Then, another is, the baby in our house. Why, Sally would go distraught!"
"If there hadn't been a child on the way, we might have called her by her real name—Miss Hilton; that's one thing. Also, there's the baby in our house. Honestly, Sally would go crazy!"
"Never mind Sally. If she were an orphan relation of our own, left widowed," said he, pausing, as if in doubt. "You yourself suggested she should be considered as a widow, for the child's sake. I'm only taking up your ideas, dear Faith. I respect you for thinking of taking her home; it is just what we ought to do. Thank you for reminding me of my duty."
"Don’t worry about Sally. If she were a distant relative of ours, left alone and without a partner," he said, hesitating, as if unsure. "You were the one who said we should treat her like a widow, for the sake of the child. I’m just following your lead, dear Faith. I appreciate you thinking about bringing her home; it’s exactly what we should do. Thanks for reminding me of my responsibility."
"Nay, it was only a passing thought. Think of Mr Bradshaw. Oh! I tremble at the thought of his grim displeasure."
"Nah, it was just a fleeting thought. Just think about Mr. Bradshaw. Oh! I shudder at the idea of his stern disapproval."
"We must think of a higher than Mr Bradshaw. I own I should be a very coward, if he knew. He is so severe, so inflexible. But after all he sees so little of us; he never comes to tea, you know, but is always engaged when Mrs Bradshaw comes. I don't think he knows of what our household consists."
"We need to consider someone more important than Mr. Bradshaw. I admit I would be quite cowardly if he found out. He is so strict and unyielding. But, after all, he rarely sees us; he never comes over for tea, you know, and is always busy when Mrs. Bradshaw visits. I don't think he knows much about what our household is like."
"Not know Sally? Oh yes, but he does. He asked Mrs Bradshaw one day, if she knew what wages we gave her, and said we might get a far more efficient and younger servant for the money. And, speaking about money, think what our expenses would be if we took her home for the next six months."
"Not know Sally? Oh yes, he does. One day, he asked Mrs. Bradshaw if she knew what we paid her and mentioned that we could get a much more efficient and younger servant for that price. And speaking of money, just imagine how much our expenses would go up if we brought her home for the next six months."
That consideration was a puzzling one; and both sat silent and perplexed for a time. Miss Benson was as sorrowful as her brother, for she was becoming as anxious as he was to find it possible that her plan could be carried out.
That thought was confusing, and they both sat there silent and puzzled for a while. Miss Benson felt just as sad as her brother because she was becoming just as anxious as he was to see if her plan could actually work.
"There's the fifty pounds," said he, with a sigh of reluctance at the idea.
"Here's the fifty pounds," he said, sighing with reluctance at the thought.
"Yes, there's the fifty pounds," echoed his sister, with the same sadness in her tone. "I suppose it is hers."
"Yeah, there's the fifty pounds," his sister echoed, her tone just as somber. "I guess it belongs to her."
"I suppose it is; and being so, we must not think who gave it to her. It will defray her expenses. I am very sorry, but I think we must take it."
"I guess it is; and since it is, we shouldn't focus on who gave it to her. It will cover her expenses. I'm really sorry, but I think we have to accept it."
"It would never do to apply to him under the present circumstances," said Miss Benson, in a hesitating manner.
"It wouldn't be appropriate to approach him in the current situation," said Miss Benson, somewhat uncertainly.
"No, that we won't," said her brother, decisively. "If she consents to let us take care of her, we will never let her stoop to request anything from him, even for his child. She can live on bread and water. We can all live on bread and water rather than that."
"No, we won't," her brother said firmly. "If she agrees to let us take care of her, we’ll never let her lower herself to ask him for anything, even for his child. She can survive on bread and water. We can all manage on bread and water instead of that."
"Then I will speak to her and propose the plan. Oh, Thurstan! from a child you could persuade me to anything! I hope I am doing right. However much I oppose you at first, I am sure to yield soon; almost in proportion to my violence at first. I think I am very weak."
"Then I will talk to her and suggest the plan. Oh, Thurstan! You could convince me to do anything since I was a child! I hope I'm making the right choice. No matter how much I resist you at first, I know I’ll give in soon; it seems to happen almost in proportion to how forceful I am at the beginning. I think I'm really weak."
"No, not in this instance. We are both right: I, in the way in which the child ought to be viewed; you, dear good Faith, for thinking of taking her home with us. God bless you, dear, for it!"
"No, not this time. We're both right: I'm right about how the child should be seen; you, dear good Faith, for considering bringing her home with us. God bless you for that, dear!"
When Ruth began to sit up (and the strange, new, delicious prospect of becoming a mother seemed to give her some mysterious source of strength, so that her recovery was rapid and swift from that time), Miss Benson brought her the letters and the bank-note.
When Ruth started to sit up (and the unusual, exciting, and wonderful prospect of becoming a mother seemed to provide her with some unexplained strength, leading to her quick and fast recovery from that moment on), Miss Benson brought her the letters and the banknote.
"Do you recollect receiving this letter, Ruth?" asked she, with grave gentleness. Ruth changed colour, and took it and read it again without making any reply to Miss Benson. Then she sighed, and thought a while; and then took up and read the second note—the note which Mrs Bellingham had sent to Mr Benson in answer to his. After that she took up the bank-note and turned it round and round, but not as if she saw it. Miss Benson noticed that her fingers trembled sadly, and that her lips were quivering for some time before she spoke.
"Do you remember getting this letter, Ruth?" she asked, with serious kindness. Ruth's expression changed, and she took it, reading it again without responding to Miss Benson. Then she sighed, thought for a moment, and picked up the second note—the one Mrs. Bellingham had sent to Mr. Benson in reply to his. After that, she picked up the banknote and turned it over and over, but it seemed like she wasn’t really seeing it. Miss Benson observed that Ruth's fingers were trembling slightly, and her lips were quivering for quite some time before she finally spoke.
"If you please, Miss Benson, I should like to return this money."
"If you don't mind, Miss Benson, I would like to return this money."
"Why, my dear?"
"Why, my friend?"
"I have a strong feeling against taking it. While he," said she, deeply blushing, and letting her large white lids drop down and veil her eyes, "loved me, he gave me many things—my watch—oh, many things; and I took them from him gladly and thankfully because he loved me—for I would have given him anything—and I thought of them as signs of love. But this money pains my heart. He has left off loving me, and has gone away. This money seems—oh, Miss Benson—it seems as if he could comfort me, for being forsaken, by money." And at that word the tears, so long kept back and repressed, forced their way like rain.
"I really don’t want to take it. While he," she said, blushing deeply and lowering her big white eyelids to hide her eyes, "loved me, he gave me a lot of things—my watch—oh, so many things; and I accepted them happily and gratefully because he loved me—for I would have given him anything—and I saw them as symbols of love. But this money hurts my heart. He no longer loves me and has left. This money feels—oh, Miss Benson—it feels like he could somehow comfort me, for being abandoned, with money." And at that moment, the tears she had held back for so long began to flow like rain.
She checked herself, however, in the violence of her emotion, for she thought of her child.
She held back her intense feelings because she thought of her child.
"So, will you take the trouble of sending it back to Mrs Bellingham?"
"So, will you bother to send it back to Mrs. Bellingham?"
"That I will, my dear. I am glad of it, that I am! They don't deserve to have the power of giving: they don't deserve that you should take it."
"Of course, my dear. I'm really happy about it! They don't deserve to have the power to give; they don't deserve for you to take it."
Miss Benson went and enclosed it up, there and then; simply writing these words in the envelope, "From Ruth Hilton."
Miss Benson took it and sealed it right there, just writing these words on the envelope: "From Ruth Hilton."
"And now we wash our hands of these Bellinghams," said she, triumphantly. But Ruth looked tearful and sad; not about returning the note, but from the conviction that the reason she had given for the ground of her determination was true—he no longer loved her.
"And now we’re done with these Bellinghams," she said, triumphantly. But Ruth looked tearful and sad; not because of returning the note, but because she truly believed that the reason she had given for her decision was right—he no longer loved her.
To cheer her, Miss Benson began to speak of the future. Miss Benson was one of those people who, the more she spoke of a plan in its details, and the more she realised it in her own mind, the more firmly she became a partisan of the project. Thus she grew warm and happy in the idea of taking Ruth home; but Ruth remained depressed and languid under the conviction that he no longer loved her. No home, no future, but the thought of her child, could wean her from this sorrow. Miss Benson was a little piqued; and this pique showed itself afterwards in talking to her brother of the morning's proceedings in the sick-chamber.
To lift her spirits, Miss Benson started talking about the future. She was the kind of person who, the more she detailed a plan and visualized it in her mind, the more committed she became to it. So, she became enthusiastic and joyful about the idea of bringing Ruth home; meanwhile, Ruth remained downcast and listless, convinced that he no longer loved her. No home, no future—only the thought of her child could distract her from this sadness. Miss Benson felt a bit annoyed, and this annoyance later came out when she discussed the morning’s events in the sick room with her brother.
"I admired her at the time for sending away her fifty pounds so proudly; but I think she has a cold heart: she hardly thanked me at all for my proposal of taking her home with us."
"I respected her back then for confidently sending away her fifty pounds; but I think she has a cold heart: she barely thanked me at all for my offer to take her home with us."
"Her thoughts are full of other things just now; and people have such different ways of showing feeling: some by silence, some by words. At any rate, it is unwise to expect gratitude."
"Her mind is occupied with other things right now, and people express their feelings in different ways: some through silence, others through words. In any case, it's not smart to expect gratitude."
"What do you expect—not indifference or ingratitude?"
"What do you expect—definitely not indifference or ungratefulness?"
"It is better not to expect or calculate consequences. The longer I live, the more fully I see that. Let us try simply to do right actions, without thinking of the feelings they are to call out in others. We know that no holy or self-denying effort can fall to the ground vain and useless; but the sweep of eternity is large, and God alone knows when the effect is to be produced. We are trying to do right now, and to feel right; don't let us perplex ourselves with endeavouring to map out how she should feel, or how she should show her feelings."
"It’s better not to expect or calculate the consequences. The longer I live, the more I realize that. Let's focus on doing the right thing without worrying about how it will make others feel. We know that no genuine or selfless effort goes to waste; but the expanse of eternity is vast, and only God knows when the impact will be made. We are trying to do the right thing now and to feel good about it; let's not confuse ourselves by trying to figure out how she should feel or how she should express her feelings."
"That's all very fine, and I dare say very true," said Miss Benson, a little chagrined. "But 'a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush;' and I would rather have had one good, hearty 'Thank you,' now, for all I have been planning to do for her, than the grand effects you promise me in the 'sweep of eternity.' Don't be grave and sorrowful, Thurstan, or I'll go out of the room. I can stand Sally's scoldings, but I can't bear your look of quiet depression whenever I am a little hasty or impatient. I had rather you would give me a good box on the ear."
"That all sounds nice, and I suppose it's probably true," said Miss Benson, a bit annoyed. "But 'a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,' and I would have preferred one genuine 'Thank you' right now for everything I’ve been planning to do for her, rather than the grand outcomes you promise me in the 'sweep of eternity.' Don’t be all serious and sad, Thurstan, or I’ll leave the room. I can handle Sally’s scoldings, but I can’t stand your look of quiet depression whenever I’m a little hasty or impatient. I’d rather you just give me a good slap."
"And I would often rather you would speak, if ever so hastily, instead of whistling. So, if I box your ears when I am vexed with you, will you promise to scold me when you are put out of the way, instead of whistling?"
"And I would often prefer if you spoke, even if it’s rushed, instead of whistling. So, if I slap your ears when I’m annoyed with you, will you promise to yell at me when you’re upset, instead of whistling?"
"Very well! that's a bargain. You box, and I scold. But, seriously, I began to calculate our money when she so cavalierly sent off the fifty-pound note (I can't help admiring her for it), and I am very much afraid we shall not have enough to pay the doctor's bill, and take her home with us."
"Alright! That's a deal. You fight, and I yell at you. But honestly, I started to think about our finances when she casually sent off the fifty-pound note (I can’t help but admire her for that), and I’m really worried we won’t have enough to cover the doctor’s bill and bring her back home with us."
"She must go inside the coach whatever we do," said Mr Benson, decidedly. "Who's there? Come in! Oh! Mrs Hughes! Sit down."
"She has to get into the carriage no matter what we do," Mr. Benson said firmly. "Who's there? Come in! Oh! Mrs. Hughes! Have a seat."
"Indeed, sir, and I cannot stay; but the young lady has just made me find up her watch for her, and asked me to get it sold to pay the doctor, and the little things she has had since she came; and please, sir, indeed, I don't know where to sell it nearer than Carnarvon."
"Actually, sir, I really can't stay; but the young lady just asked me to find her watch and get it sold to pay the doctor and for the little things she’s had since she arrived; and honestly, sir, I have no idea where to sell it closer than Carnarvon."
"That is good of her," said Miss Benson, her sense of justice satisfied; and, remembering the way in which Ruth had spoken of the watch, she felt what a sacrifice it must have been to resolve to part with it.
"That's really nice of her," said Miss Benson, feeling her sense of justice fulfilled; and remembering how Ruth had talked about the watch, she realized what a sacrifice it must have been for her to decide to give it up.
"And her goodness just helps us out of our dilemma," said her brother, who was unaware of the feelings with which Ruth regarded her watch, or, perhaps, he might have parted with his Facciolati.
"And her kindness really gets us out of our jam," said her brother, who didn't know how Ruth felt about her watch, or maybe he would have let go of his Facciolati.
Mrs Hughes patiently awaited their leisure for answering her practical question. Where could the watch be sold? Suddenly her face brightened.
Mrs. Hughes patiently waited for them to have some free time to answer her practical question. Where could the watch be sold? Suddenly, her face lit up.
"Mr Jones, the doctor, is going to be married, perhaps he would like nothing better than to give this pretty watch to his bride; indeed, and I think it's very likely; and he'll pay money for it as well as letting alone his bill. I'll ask him, sir, at any rate."
"Mr. Jones, the doctor, is getting married; he might really want to give this lovely watch to his bride. Honestly, I think that's very possible, and he'll pay for it instead of settling his bill. I'll ask him, sir, either way."
Mr Jones was only too glad to obtain possession of so elegant a present at so cheap a rate. He even, as Mrs Hughes had foretold, "paid money for it;" more than was required to defray the expenses of Ruth's accommodation; as the most of the articles of food she had were paid for at the time by Mr or Miss Benson, but they strictly forbade Mrs Hughes to tell Ruth of this.
Mr. Jones was more than happy to get such an elegant gift for such a low price. Just as Mrs. Hughes had predicted, he "paid money for it," even more than what was needed to cover Ruth's stay. Most of the food she had was already paid for by Mr. or Miss Benson, but they strictly told Mrs. Hughes not to mention this to Ruth.
"Would you object to my buying you a black gown?" said Miss Benson to her the day after the sale of the watch. She hesitated a little, and then went on:
"Would you mind if I bought you a black dress?" Miss Benson asked her the day after the watch was sold. She paused for a moment, then continued:
"My brother and I think it would be better to call you—as if in fact you were—a widow. It will save much awkwardness, and it will spare your child much—" Mortification she was going to have added, but that word did not exactly do. But, at the mention of her child, Ruth started and turned ruby-red; as she always did when allusion was made to it.
"My brother and I think it would be better to call you—as if you really were—a widow. It will avoid a lot of awkwardness, and it will spare your child much—" Mortification she was going to add, but that word didn’t quite fit. However, at the mention of her child, Ruth stiffened and turned bright red; she always did when it was brought up.
"Oh, yes! certainly. Thank you much for thinking of it. Indeed," said she, very low, as if to herself, "I don't know how to thank you for all you are doing; but I do love you, and will pray for you, if I may."
"Oh, yes! Of course. Thank you so much for considering it. Actually," she said softly, almost to herself, "I don't know how to express my gratitude for everything you're doing; but I really love you, and I will pray for you, if that's okay."
"If you may, Ruth!" repeated Miss Benson, in a tone of surprise.
"If you can, Ruth!" repeated Miss Benson, sounding surprised.
"Yes, if I may. If you will let me pray for you."
"Sure, if I can. If you’ll allow me to pray for you."
"Certainly, my dear. My dear Ruth, you don't know how often I sin; I do so wrong, with my few temptations. We are both of us great sinners in the eyes of the Most Holy; let us pray for each other. Don't speak so again, my dear; at least, not to me!"
"Of course, my dear. My dear Ruth, you have no idea how often I mess up; I do so many wrong things despite my few temptations. We are both huge sinners in the eyes of the Most Holy; let's pray for each other. Please don’t say that again, my dear; at least, not to me!"
Miss Benson was actually crying. She had always looked upon herself as so inferior to her brother in real goodness; had seen such heights above her, that she was distressed by Ruth's humility. After a short time she resumed the subject.
Miss Benson was actually crying. She had always viewed herself as inferior to her brother in genuine goodness; she saw such high standards set above her that Ruth's humility upset her. After a little while, she brought up the topic again.
"Then I may get you a black gown?—and we may call you Mrs Hilton?"
"Then should I get you a black gown?—and we can call you Mrs. Hilton?"
"No; not Mrs Hilton!" said Ruth, hastily.
"No way; not Mrs. Hilton!" said Ruth, quickly.
Miss Benson, who had hitherto kept her eyes averted from Ruth's face from a motive of kindly delicacy, now looked at her with surprise.
Miss Benson, who had previously turned her gaze away from Ruth's face out of kindness, now looked at her with surprise.
"Why not?" asked she.
"Why not?" she asked.
"It was my mother's name," said Ruth, in a low voice. "I had better not be called by it."
"It was my mom's name," Ruth said quietly. "I'd rather not be called that."
"Then, let us call you by my mother's name," said Miss Benson, tenderly. "She would have— But I'll talk to you about my mother some other time. Let me call you Mrs Denbigh. It will do very well, too. People will think you are a distant relation."
"Then, let me call you by my mom's name," Miss Benson said gently. "She would have— But I'll share more about my mom another time. Let me call you Mrs. Denbigh. That works just fine, too. People will think you're a distant relative."
When she told Mr Benson this choice of name, he was rather sorry; it was like his sister's impulsive kindness—impulsive in everything—and he could imagine how Ruth's humility had touched her. He was sorry, but he said nothing.
When she told Mr. Benson about this name choice, he felt a bit regretful; it reminded him of his sister's spontaneous kindness—impulsive in everything—and he could picture how Ruth's humility had affected her. He felt sorry, but he kept quiet.
And now the letter was written home, announcing the probable arrival of the brother and sister on a certain day, "with a distant relation, early left a widow," as Miss Benson expressed it. She desired the spare room might be prepared, and made every provision she could think of for Ruth's comfort; for Ruth still remained feeble and weak.
And now the letter was sent home, letting them know that the brother and sister were likely arriving on a specific day, "along with a distant relative who became a widow at a young age," as Miss Benson put it. She requested that the spare room be ready and made every arrangement she could think of for Ruth's comfort since Ruth still felt weak and fragile.
When the black gown, at which she had stitched away incessantly, was finished—when nothing remained but to rest for the next day's journey—Ruth could not sit still. She wandered from window to window, learning off each rock and tree by heart. Each had its tale, which it was agony to remember; but which it would have been worse agony to forget. The sound of running waters she heard that quiet evening, was in her ears as she lay on her death-bed; so well had she learnt their tune.
When the black gown, which she had worked on tirelessly, was finished—when all that was left was to rest for the next day’s journey—Ruth couldn’t sit still. She moved from window to window, memorizing each rock and tree. Each had its story, which was painful to recall; but it would have been even more painful to forget. The sound of running water she heard that quiet evening was in her ears as she lay on her deathbed; she had learned their melody so well.
And now all was over. She had driven in to Llan-dhu, sitting by her lover's side, living in the bright present, and strangely forgetful of the past or the future; she had dreamed out her dream, and she had awakened from the vision of love. She walked slowly and sadly down the long hill, her tears fast falling, but as quickly wiped away; while she strove to make steady the low quivering voice which was often called upon to answer some remark of Miss Benson's.
And now it was all done. She had driven into Llan-dhu, sitting next to her lover, fully immersed in the moment, and oddly forgetful of both the past and the future; she had lived out her dream, and she had woken from the vision of love. She walked slowly and sadly down the long hill, tears streaming down her face, but she quickly wiped them away; while she tried to keep her trembling voice steady as she often responded to Miss Benson's comments.
They had to wait for the coach. Ruth buried her face in some flowers which Mrs Hughes had given her on parting; and was startled when the mail drew up with a sudden pull, which almost threw the horses on their haunches. She was placed inside, and the coach had set off again, before she was fully aware that Mr and Miss Benson were travelling on the outside; but it was a relief to feel she might now cry without exciting their notice. The shadow of a heavy thunder-cloud was on the valley, but the little upland village church (that showed the spot in which so much of her life had passed) stood out clear in the sunshine. She grudged the tears that blinded her as she gazed. There was one passenger, who tried after a while to comfort her.
They had to wait for the coach. Ruth buried her face in some flowers that Mrs. Hughes had given her when they said goodbye, and she jumped when the mail arrived with a sudden stop that almost threw the horses back on their haunches. She was seated inside, and the coach took off again before she realized that Mr. and Miss Benson were riding on the outside; but it was a relief to know she could cry now without drawing their attention. A heavy thundercloud loomed over the valley, but the little village church on the hill (the place where so much of her life had taken place) stood out brightly in the sunshine. She hated the tears that blinded her as she looked at it. There was one passenger who tried to comfort her after a while.
"Don't cry, miss," said the kind-hearted woman. "You're parting from friends, maybe? Well, that's bad enough, but when you come to my age, you'll think none of it. Why, I've three sons, and they're soldiers and sailors, all of them—here, there, and everywhere. One is in America, beyond seas; another is in China, making tea; and another is at Gibraltar, three miles from Spain; and yet, you see, I can laugh and eat and enjoy myself. I sometimes think I'll try and fret a bit, just to make myself a better figure; but, Lord! it's no use, it's against my nature; so I laugh and grow fat again. I'd be quite thankful for a fit of anxiety as would make me feel easy in my clothes, which them manty-makers will make so tight I'm fairly throttled."
"Don't cry, sweetie," said the kind-hearted woman. "Are you leaving friends behind? That’s tough, but when you get to my age, you won’t dwell on it. I have three sons, and they’re all off being soldiers and sailors—everywhere you can think of. One's in America, across the ocean; another is in China, working with tea; and the last is at Gibraltar, just a few miles from Spain. And still, I can laugh, eat, and enjoy myself. Sometimes, I think about worrying a bit, just to slim down, but honestly, it doesn’t work; it’s just not who I am. So I laugh and put on weight again. I’d be grateful for a bit of worry to make my clothes fit better, which those dressmakers make so tight I feel like I’m being choked."
Ruth durst cry no more; it was no relief, now she was watched and noticed, and plied with a sandwich or a gingerbread each time she looked sad. She lay back with her eyes shut, as if asleep, and went on, and on, the sun never seeming to move from his high place in the sky, nor the bright hot day to show the least sign of waning. Every now and then, Miss Benson scrambled down, and made kind inquiries of the pale, weary Ruth; and once they changed coaches, and the fat old lady left her with a hearty shake of the hand.
Ruth couldn’t cry anymore; it didn’t help her now that she was being watched and noticed, being offered a sandwich or a gingerbread every time she looked sad. She lay back with her eyes closed, pretending to be asleep, while time continued on and on, the sun seeming to stay stuck in its high spot in the sky, and the bright, hot day showing no signs of fading. Occasionally, Miss Benson came over to ask how the tired, pale Ruth was doing; once they switched coaches, and the plump old lady said goodbye with a warm handshake.
"It is not much further now," said Miss Benson, apologetically, to Ruth. "See! we are losing sight of the Welsh mountains. We have about eighteen miles of plain, and then we come to the moors and the rising ground, amidst which Eccleston lies. I wish we were there, for my brother is sadly tired."
"It’s not much farther now," Miss Benson said apologetically to Ruth. "Look! We’re losing sight of the Welsh mountains. We have about eighteen miles of flat land, and then we get to the moors and the hills where Eccleston is. I wish we were already there because my brother is really tired."
The first wonder in Ruth's mind was, why then, if Mr Benson were so tired, did they not stop where they were for the night; for she knew little of the expenses of a night at an inn. The next thought was, to beg that Mr Benson would take her place inside the coach, and allow her to mount up by Miss Benson. She proposed this, and Miss Benson was evidently pleased.
The first thing that puzzled Ruth was, if Mr. Benson was so tired, why didn’t they just stop for the night where they were? She didn’t know much about the cost of staying at an inn. Her next thought was to ask Mr. Benson if he could switch places with her and let her sit up top with Miss Benson. She suggested this, and Miss Benson clearly appreciated it.
"Well, if you're not tired, it would make a rest and a change for him, to be sure; and if you were by me I could show you the first sight of Eccleston, if we reach there before it is quite dark."
"Well, if you're not tired, it would definitely be a break and a change for him; and if you were with me, I could show you the first view of Eccleston, if we get there before it gets completely dark."
So Mr Benson got down, and changed places with Ruth.
So Mr. Benson got down and switched places with Ruth.
She hardly yet understood the numerous small economies which he and his sister had to practise—the little daily self-denials,—all endured so cheerfully, and simply, that they had almost ceased to require an effort, and it had become natural to them to think of others before themselves. Ruth had not understood that it was for economy that their places had been taken on the outside of the coach, while hers, as an invalid requiring rest, was to be the inside; and that the biscuits which supplied the place of a dinner were, in fact, chosen because the difference in price between the two would go a little way towards fulfilling their plan for receiving her as an inmate. Her thought about money had been hitherto a child's thought; the subject had never touched her; but afterwards, when she had lived a little with the Bensons, her eyes were opened, and she remembered their simple kindness on the journey, and treasured the remembrance of it in her heart.
She barely understood the many small sacrifices that he and his sister had to make—the little daily self-denials—all endured so cheerfully and effortlessly that they had almost stopped feeling like sacrifices, and it had become second nature for them to think of others before themselves. Ruth hadn’t realized that it was for financial reasons that their spots were on the outside of the coach, while hers, as an invalid needing rest, was on the inside; and that the biscuits they had instead of a proper dinner were actually chosen because the price difference would help with their plan to take her in as a guest. Her views on money had previously been those of a child; the topic had never impacted her. But later, after she had spent some time with the Bensons, she opened her eyes to it, remembered their simple kindness during the journey, and kept that memory close to her heart.
A low grey cloud was the first sign of Eccleston; it was the smoke of the town hanging over the plain. Beyond the place where she was expected to believe it existed, arose round, waving uplands; nothing to the fine outlines of the Welsh mountains, but still going up nearer to heaven than the rest of the flat world into which she had now entered. Rumbling stones, lamp-posts, a sudden stop, and they were in the town of Eccleston; and a strange, uncouth voice, on the dark side of the coach, was heard to say,
A low gray cloud was the first sign of Eccleston; it was the smoke from the town hanging over the plain. Beyond where she was supposed to believe it existed, there were rolling hills; nothing compared to the beautiful outlines of the Welsh mountains, but still rising higher towards heaven than the rest of the flat world she had just entered. With the sound of rumbling stones, lamp-posts, a sudden stop, and they were in the town of Eccleston; and a strange, rough voice from the dark side of the coach was heard to say,
"Be ye there, measter?"
"Are you there, master?"
"Yes, yes!" said Miss Benson, quickly. "Did Sally send you, Ben? Get the ostler's lantern, and look out the luggage."
"Yeah, yeah!" Miss Benson said quickly. "Did Sally send you, Ben? Grab the ostler's lantern and check on the luggage."
CHAPTER XIII
The Dissenting Minister's Household
Miss Benson had resumed every morsel of the briskness which she had rather lost in the middle of the day; her foot was on her native stones, and a very rough set they were, and she was near her home and among known people. Even Mr Benson spoke very cheerfully to Ben, and made many inquiries of him respecting people whose names were strange to Ruth. She was cold, and utterly weary. She took Miss Benson's offered arm, and could hardly drag herself as far as the little quiet street in which Mr Benson's house was situated. The street was so quiet that their footsteps sounded like a loud disturbance, and announced their approach as effectually as the "trumpet's lordly blare" did the coming of Abdallah. A door flew open, and a lighted passage stood before them. As soon as they had entered, a stout, elderly servant emerged from behind the door, her face radiant with welcome.
Miss Benson had regained all the energy she had lost earlier in the day; she was back on familiar ground, and it was a tough environment. She was close to home and surrounded by familiar faces. Even Mr. Benson chatted cheerfully with Ben and asked him many questions about people whose names were unfamiliar to Ruth. She felt cold and completely exhausted. She took Miss Benson's arm for support and struggled to make it to the quiet little street where Mr. Benson's house was located. The street was so peaceful that their footsteps sounded loud, announcing their arrival just like a trumpet heralding Abdallah's approach. A door swung open, revealing a well-lit passage. As soon as they stepped inside, a cheerful, plump elderly servant appeared from behind the door, her face glowing with warmth and welcome.
"Eh, bless ye! are ye back again? I thought I should ha' been lost without ye."
"Hey, thank you! Are you back again? I thought I would have been lost without you."
She gave Mr Benson a hearty shake of the hand, and kissed Miss Benson warmly; then, turning to Ruth, she said, in a loud whisper,
She gave Mr. Benson a firm handshake and hugged Miss Benson warmly; then, turning to Ruth, she said in a loud whisper,
"Who's yon?"
"Who's that?"
Mr Benson was silent, and walked a step onwards. Miss Benson said boldly out,
Mr. Benson was quiet and took a step forward. Miss Benson spoke out confidently,
"The lady I named in my note, Sally—Mrs Denbigh, a distant relation."
"The woman I mentioned in my note, Sally—Mrs. Denbigh, a distant relative."
"Aye, but you said hoo was a widow. Is this chit a widow?"
"Aye, but you said she was a widow. Is this girl a widow?"
"Yes, this is Mrs Denbigh," answered Miss Benson.
"Yes, this is Mrs. Denbigh," replied Miss Benson.
"If I'd been her mother, I'd ha' given her a lollypop instead of a husband. Hoo looks fitter for it."
"If I were her mom, I'd have given her a lollipop instead of a husband. He looks more suitable for that."
"Hush! Sally, Sally! Look, there's your master trying to move that heavy box." Miss Benson calculated well when she called Sally's attention to her master; for it was well believed by every one, and by Sally herself, that his deformity was owing to a fall he had had when he was scarcely more than a baby, and entrusted to her care—a little nurse-girl, as she then was, not many years older than himself. For years the poor girl had cried herself to sleep on her pallet-bed, moaning over the blight her carelessness had brought upon her darling; nor was this self-reproach diminished by the forgiveness of the gentle mother, from whom Thurstan Benson derived so much of his character. The way in which comfort stole into Sally's heart was in the gradually-formed resolution that she would never leave him nor forsake him, but serve him faithfully all her life long; and she had kept to her word. She loved Miss Benson, but she almost worshipped the brother. The reverence for him was in her heart, however, and did not always show itself in her manners. But if she scolded him herself, she allowed no one else that privilege. If Miss Benson differed from her brother, and ventured to think his sayings or doings might have been improved, Sally came down upon her like a thunder-clap.
"Hush! Sally, Sally! Look, there’s your master trying to move that heavy box." Miss Benson knew exactly what she was doing when she pointed out Sally's master; everyone, including Sally, believed that his disability was due to a fall he suffered as a baby, while she was in charge of him—a little nurse-girl herself, just a few years older than he was. For years, the poor girl had cried herself to sleep on her small bed, lamenting the burden her carelessness had placed on her beloved master; and this guilt was not eased by the gentle forgiveness of the kind mother, from whom Thurstan Benson inherited much of his character. The way comfort slowly entered Sally’s heart was through a growing determination to never leave or abandon him, but to serve him faithfully for the rest of her life; and she had kept that promise. She cared for Miss Benson, but she nearly worshipped her brother. The reverence for him was deep in her heart, though it didn’t always come through in her behavior. But if she scolded him, she wouldn’t allow anyone else to do the same. If Miss Benson disagreed with her brother and thought his words or actions could have been better, Sally would come down on her like a thunderclap.
"My goodness gracious, Master Thurstan, when will you learn to leave off meddling with other folks' business! Here, Ben! help me up with these trunks."
"My goodness, Master Thurstan, when will you learn to stop interfering in other people's business! Hey, Ben! Help me with these trunks."
The little narrow passage was cleared, and Miss Benson took Ruth into the sitting-room. There were only two sitting-rooms on the ground-floor, one behind the other. Out of the back room the kitchen opened, and for this reason the back parlour was used as the family sitting-room; or else, being, with its garden aspect, so much the pleasanter of the two, both Sally and Miss Benson would have appropriated it for Mr Benson's study. As it was, the front room, which looked to the street, was his room; and many a person coming for help—help of which giving money was the lowest kind—was admitted, and let forth by Mr Benson, unknown to any one else in the house. To make amends for his having the least cheerful room on the ground-floor, he had the garden bedroom, while his sister slept over his study. There were two more rooms again over these, with sloping ceilings, though otherwise large and airy. The attic looking into the garden was the spare bedroom; while the front belonged to Sally. There was no room over the kitchen, which was, in fact, a supplement to the house. The sitting-room was called by the pretty, old-fashioned name of the parlour, while Mr Benson's room was styled the study.
The narrow passage was cleared, and Miss Benson led Ruth into the sitting room. There were only two sitting rooms on the ground floor, one behind the other. The back room opened into the kitchen, which is why it was used as the family sitting room; otherwise, since it had a garden view and was much nicer, both Sally and Miss Benson would have claimed it for Mr. Benson's study. As it was, the front room, which faced the street, was his space; and many people seeking help—help of which giving money was the least important—were allowed in and out by Mr. Benson without anyone else in the house knowing. To balance having the least cheerful room on the ground floor, he had the bedroom overlooking the garden, while his sister slept above his study. There were two more rooms above these, with sloped ceilings, yet still large and airy. The attic that looked out onto the garden served as the spare bedroom, while the front one belonged to Sally. There was no room above the kitchen, which was essentially an addition to the house. The sitting room was referred to by the lovely, old-fashioned name of the parlour, while Mr. Benson's room was called the study.
The curtains were drawn in the parlour; there was a bright fire and a clean hearth; indeed, exquisite cleanliness seemed the very spirit of the household, for the door which was open to the kitchen showed a delicately-white and spotless floor, and bright glittering tins, on which the ruddy firelight danced.
The curtains were pulled in the living room; there was a bright fire and a clean hearth; in fact, the place sparkled with cleanliness, as the open door to the kitchen revealed a beautifully white and spotless floor, along with shiny, glittering pans where the warm firelight flickered.
From the place in which Ruth sat she could see all Sally's movements; and though she was not conscious of close or minute observation at the time (her body being weary, and her mind full of other thoughts), yet it was curious how faithfully that scene remained depicted on her memory in after years. The warm light filled every corner of the kitchen, in strong distinction to the faint illumination of the one candle in the parlour, whose radiance was confined, and was lost in the dead folds of window-curtains, carpet, and furniture. The square, stout, bustling figure, neat and clean in every respect, but dressed in the peculiar, old-fashioned costume of the county, namely, a dark-striped linsey-woolsey petticoat, made very short, displaying sturdy legs in woollen stockings beneath; a loose kind of jacket called there a "bedgown," made of pink print; a snow-white apron and cap, both of linen, and the latter made in the shape of a "mutch;"—these articles completed Sally's costume, and were painted on Ruth's memory. Whilst Sally was busied in preparing tea, Miss Benson took off Ruth's things; and the latter instinctively felt that Sally, in the midst of her movements, was watching their proceedings. Occasionally she also put in a word in the conversation, and these little sentences were uttered quite in the tone of an equal, if not of a superior. She had dropped the more formal "you," with which at first she had addressed Miss Benson, and thou'd her quietly and habitually.
From where Ruth sat, she could see all of Sally's movements; and even though she wasn't aware of paying close attention at the time (her body was tired, and her mind was occupied with other thoughts), it was interesting how vividly that scene stayed in her memory for years to come. The warm light brightened every corner of the kitchen, standing in stark contrast to the faint glow of the single candle in the parlor, whose light was limited and lost among the heavy folds of the window curtains, carpet, and furniture. The square, stout, busy figure, neat and clean in every way but dressed in the distinct, old-fashioned attire of the county—a dark-striped linsey-woolsey petticoat, cut very short to show sturdy legs in woolen stockings underneath; a loose jacket known as a "bedgown," made of pink print; and a crisp white apron and cap, both made of linen, with the cap shaped like a "mutch"—these items made up Sally's outfit and were firmly imprinted on Ruth's memory. While Sally was busy preparing tea, Miss Benson took off Ruth's things; and Ruth instinctively sensed that Sally, amidst her tasks, was keeping an eye on what they were doing. Occasionally, she chimed in with a word in the conversation, and those little comments were made in the tone of an equal, if not someone superior. She had moved away from the more formal "you," which she had initially used to address Miss Benson, and had begun to address her as "thou" in a quiet, habitual way.
All these particulars sank unconsciously into Ruth's mind; but they did not rise to the surface, and become perceptible, for a length of time. She was weary, and much depressed. Even the very kindness that ministered to her was overpowering. But over the dark, misty moor a little light shone,—a beacon; and on that she fixed her eyes, and struggled out of her present deep dejection—the little child that was coming to her!
All these details sank quietly into Ruth's mind, but they didn't come to the surface or become noticeable for a long time. She was tired and quite downcast. Even the kindness shown to her felt overwhelming. But over the dark, foggy moor, a small light shone—a beacon; and she focused on that, fighting her way out of her deep sadness—the little child that was coming to her!
Mr Benson was as languid and weary as Ruth, and was silent during all this bustle and preparation. His silence was more grateful to Ruth than Miss Benson's many words, although she felt their kindness. After tea, Miss Benson took her upstairs to her room. The white dimity bed, and the walls, stained green, had something of the colouring and purity of effect of a snowdrop; while the floor, rubbed with a mixture that turned it into a rich dark brown, suggested the idea of the garden-mould out of which the snowdrop grows. As Miss Benson helped the pale Ruth to undress, her voice became less full-toned and hurried; the hush of approaching night subdued her into a softened, solemn kind of tenderness, and the murmured blessing sounded like granted prayer.
Mr. Benson was as tired and worn out as Ruth, and he stayed silent during all the hustle and bustle. His silence was more comforting to Ruth than Miss Benson's many words, even though she appreciated their kindness. After tea, Miss Benson took her upstairs to her room. The white dimity bed and the green-stained walls had a purity and softness like that of a snowdrop, while the floor, polished to a rich dark brown, reminded her of the garden soil where snowdrops grow. As Miss Benson helped the pale Ruth get undressed, her voice became softer and less rushed; the approaching night brought a tender solemnity to her tone, and her murmured blessing felt like a prayer answered.
When Miss Benson came downstairs, she found her brother reading some letters which had been received during his absence. She went and softly shut the door of communication between the parlour and the kitchen; and then, fetching a grey worsted stocking which she was knitting, sat down near him, her eyes not looking at her work but fixed on the fire; while the eternal rapid click of the knitting-needles broke the silence of the room, with a sound as monotonous and incessant as the noise of a hand-loom. She expected him to speak, but he did not. She enjoyed an examination into, and discussion of, her feelings; it was an interest and amusement to her, while he dreaded and avoided all such conversation. There were times when his feelings, which were always earnest, and sometimes morbid, burst forth, and defied control, and overwhelmed him; when a force was upon him compelling him to speak. But he, in general, strove to preserve his composure, from a fear of the compelling pain of such times, and the consequent exhaustion. His heart had been very full of Ruth all day long, and he was afraid of his sister beginning the subject; so he read on, or seemed to do so, though he hardly saw the letter he held before him. It was a great relief to him when Sally threw open the middle door with a bang, which did not indicate either calmness of mind or sweetness of temper.
When Miss Benson came downstairs, she found her brother reading some letters that had arrived while he was away. She quietly closed the door between the living room and the kitchen, then grabbed a grey wool stocking she was knitting and sat down close to him, her gaze fixed on the fire instead of her work. The rapid clicking of the knitting needles filled the silence of the room, sounding as monotonous and endless as a loom. She expected him to say something, but he didn’t. She liked to explore and talk about her feelings; it was entertaining for her, while he feared and avoided such topics. There were moments when his feelings, always intense and sometimes dark, would erupt uncontrollably, pushing him to speak. But generally, he tried to stay composed, afraid of the painful feelings that would come and the exhaustion that followed. His heart had been heavy with thoughts of Ruth all day, and he dreaded his sister bringing it up; so he kept reading, or at least pretended to, even though he barely registered the letter in his hands. He felt a huge relief when Sally burst through the middle door with a loud bang, revealing neither calmness nor good cheer.
"Is yon young woman going to stay any length o' time with us?" asked she of Miss Benson.
"Is that young woman going to stay for a while with us?" she asked Miss Benson.
Mr Benson put his hand gently on his sister's arm, to check her from making any reply, while he said,
Mr. Benson placed his hand softly on his sister's arm to stop her from responding, while he said,
"We cannot exactly tell, Sally. She will remain until after her confinement."
"We can’t say for sure, Sally. She will stay until after she gives birth."
"Lord bless us and save us!—a baby in the house! Nay, then my time's come, and I'll pack up and begone. I never could abide them things. I'd sooner have rats in the house."
"Lord help us!—a baby in the house! Well, I guess my time's up, and I’ll pack my things and leave. I could never stand those little ones. I’d rather have rats in the house."
Sally really did look alarmed.
Sally looked really alarmed.
"Why, Sally!" said Mr Benson, smiling, "I was not much more than a baby when you came to take care of me."
"Why, Sally!" Mr. Benson said with a smile, "I was barely a baby when you started taking care of me."
"Yes, you were, Master Thurstan; you were a fine bouncing lad of three year old and better."
"Yeah, you were, Master Thurstan; you were a great, lively kid of three years old and beyond."
Then she remembered the change she had wrought in the "fine bouncing lad," and her eyes filled with tears, which she was too proud to wipe away with her apron; for, as she sometimes said to herself, "she could not abide crying before folk."
Then she remembered the transformation she had made in the "great bouncing guy," and her eyes filled with tears, which she was too proud to wipe away with her apron; because, as she sometimes told herself, "she couldn't stand crying in front of people."
"Well, it's no use talking, Sally," said Miss Benson, too anxious to speak to be any longer repressed. "We've promised to keep her, and we must do it; you'll have none of the trouble, Sally, so don't be afraid."
"Well, there's no point in talking, Sally," said Miss Benson, too anxious to hold back any longer. "We've promised to take care of her, and we need to stick to it; you won't have to deal with any of the trouble, Sally, so don't worry."
"Well, I never! as if I minded trouble! You might ha' known me better nor that. I've scoured master's room twice over, just to make the boards look white, though the carpet is to cover them, and now you go and cast up about me minding my trouble. If them's the fashions you've learnt in Wales, I'm thankful I've never been there."
"Well, I can't believe it! As if I care about trouble! You should know me better than that. I've cleaned the master's room twice just to make the floorboards look good, even though the carpet is going to cover them, and now you bring up me caring about my trouble. If that's the kind of stuff you've picked up in Wales, I'm glad I’ve never been there."
Sally looked red, indignant, and really hurt. Mr Benson came in with his musical voice and soft words of healing.
Sally looked flushed, angry, and genuinely hurt. Mr. Benson entered with his melodic voice and comforting words.
"Faith knows you don't care for trouble, Sally; she is only anxious about this poor young woman, who has no friends but ourselves. We know there will be more trouble in consequence of her coming to stay with us; and I think, though we never spoke about it, that in making our plans we reckoned on your kind help, Sally, which has never failed us yet when we needed it."
"Faith knows you don't want any trouble, Sally; she's just worried about this poor young woman, who has no friends except us. We know there will be more problems because she’s staying with us; and I think, even though we never talked about it, that when we made our plans, we counted on your generous support, Sally, which has always been there for us when we needed it."
"You've twice the sense of your sister, Master Thurstan, that you have. Boys always has. It's truth there will be more trouble, and I shall have my share on't, I reckon. I can face it if I'm told out and out, but I cannot abide the way some folk has of denying there's trouble or pain to be met; just as if their saying there was none, would do away with it. Some folk treats one like a babby, and I don't like it. I'm not meaning you, Master Thurstan."
"You have twice the sense of your sister, Master Thurstan, that you do. Boys always do. It's true there will be more trouble, and I guess I'll have my share of it. I can handle it if I'm told directly, but I can't stand the way some people deny there’s trouble or pain to deal with; as if their saying there isn’t any would make it go away. Some people treat you like a baby, and I don’t like it. I’m not talking about you, Master Thurstan."
"No, Sally, you need not say that. I know well enough who you mean when you say 'some folk.' However, I admit I was wrong in speaking as if you minded trouble, for there never was a creature minded it less. But I want you to like Mrs Denbigh," said Miss Benson.
"No, Sally, you don't need to say that. I know exactly who you’re talking about when you say 'some people.' However, I admit I was wrong to suggest that you care about trouble, because you’re the least troubled person I know. But I want you to get along with Mrs. Denbigh," said Miss Benson.
"I dare say I should, if you'd let me alone. I did na like her sitting down in master's chair. Set her up, indeed, in an arm-chair wi' cushions! Wenches in my day were glad enough of stools."
"I honestly think I would, if you'd just leave me alone. I didn't like her sitting in the master's chair. Setting her up, really, in an armchair with cushions! Girls in my day were happy enough with stools."
"She was tired to-night," said Mr Benson. "We are all tired; so if you have done your work, Sally, come in to reading."
"She’s tired tonight," said Mr. Benson. "We’re all tired; so if you’ve finished your work, Sally, come in for reading."
The three quiet people knelt down side by side, and two of them prayed earnestly for "them that had gone astray." Before ten o'clock, the household were in bed.
The three quiet individuals knelt down next to each other, and two of them prayed sincerely for "those who had strayed." By ten o'clock, everyone in the house was in bed.
Ruth, sleepless, weary, restless with the oppression of a sorrow which she dared not face and contemplate bravely, kept awake all the early part of the night. Many a time did she rise, and go to the long casement window, and look abroad over the still and quiet town—over the grey stone walls, and chimneys, and old high-pointed roofs—on to the far-away hilly line of the horizon, lying calm under the bright moonshine. It was late in the morning when she woke from her long-deferred slumbers; and when she went downstairs, she found Mr and Miss Benson awaiting her in the parlour. That homely, pretty, old-fashioned little room! How bright and still and clean it looked! The window (all the windows at the back of the house were casements) was open, to let in the sweet morning air, and streaming eastern sunshine. The long jessamine sprays, with their white-scented stars, forced themselves almost into the room. The little square garden beyond, with grey stone walls all round, was rich and mellow in its autumnal colouring, running from deep crimson hollyhocks up to amber and gold nasturtiums, and all toned down by the clear and delicate air. It was so still, that the gossamer-webs, laden with dew, did not tremble or quiver in the least; but the sun was drawing to himself the sweet incense of many flowers, and the parlour was scented with the odours of mignonette and stocks. Miss Benson was arranging a bunch of China and damask roses in an old-fashioned jar; they lay, all dewy and fresh, on the white breakfast-cloth when Ruth entered. Mr Benson was reading in some large folio. With gentle morning speech they greeted her; but the quiet repose of the scene was instantly broken by Sally popping in from the kitchen, and glancing at Ruth with sharp reproach. She said:
Ruth, unable to sleep and feeling the weight of a sorrow she couldn’t confront, stayed awake through most of the night. Several times, she got up and went to the long window, looking out over the peaceful town—at the gray stone walls, chimneys, and old pointed roofs—toward the distant hills on the horizon, serene under the bright moonlight. It was late morning by the time she finally woke from her long-delayed sleep; when she went downstairs, she found Mr. and Miss Benson waiting for her in the living room. That cozy, charming, old-fashioned little room! It looked so bright, still, and clean! The window (all the windows at the back of the house were casement windows) was open, inviting the sweet morning air and the streaming eastern sunshine inside. The long jasmine branches, with their star-like white blooms, almost reached into the room. The small square garden outside, surrounded by gray stone walls, was rich and warm in its autumn colors, ranging from deep crimson hollyhocks to amber and gold nasturtiums, all softened by the clear and gentle air. It was so quiet that the dewdrop-laden spider webs didn’t shake at all; meanwhile, the sun drew in the sweet scents of various flowers, and the living room was filled with the fragrances of mignonette and stocks. Miss Benson was arranging a bouquet of China and damask roses in an old-fashioned vase; they lay, all dewy and fresh, on the white breakfast cloth when Ruth entered. Mr. Benson was reading from a large folio. They greeted her with gentle morning words, but the calmness of the scene was quickly interrupted by Sally popping in from the kitchen and casting a sharp reproachful glance at Ruth. She said:
"I reckon I may bring in breakfast, now?" with a strong emphasis on the last word.
"I think I can bring in breakfast now?" with a strong emphasis on the last word.
"I am afraid I am very late," said Ruth.
"I’m sorry I’m so late," said Ruth.
"Oh, never mind," said Mr Benson, gently. "It was our fault for not telling you our breakfast hour. We always have prayers at half-past seven; and, for Sally's sake, we never vary from that time; for she can so arrange her work, if she knows the hour of prayers, as to have her mind calm and untroubled."
"Oh, it’s okay," Mr. Benson said softly. "It was our mistake for not informing you of our breakfast time. We always have prayers at 7:30 AM, and we never change that time for Sally's sake; she can plan her work accordingly if she knows when prayers are, so she can keep her mind calm and at ease."
"Ahem!" said Miss Benson, rather inclined to "testify" against the invariable calmness of Sally's mind at any hour of the day; but her brother went on as if he did not hear her.
"Ahem!" said Miss Benson, somewhat ready to "call out" the constant calmness of Sally's mind at any time of day; but her brother continued as if he didn't hear her.
"But the breakfast does not signify being delayed a little; and I am sure you were sadly tired with your long day yesterday."
"But breakfast doesn’t mean you’re running late; and I’m sure you were really tired after your long day yesterday."
Sally came slapping in, and put down some withered, tough, dry toast, with—
Sally came storming in and dropped some old, tough, dry toast, with—
"It's not my doing if it is like leather;" but as no one appeared to hear her, she withdrew to her kitchen, leaving Ruth's cheeks like crimson at the annoyance she had caused.
"It's not my fault if it feels like leather;" but since no one seemed to hear her, she went back to her kitchen, leaving Ruth's cheeks bright red from the annoyance she had caused.
All day long, she had that feeling common to those who go to stay at
a fresh house among comparative strangers: a feeling of the necessity
that she should become accustomed to the new atmosphere in which she
was placed, before she could move and act freely; it was, indeed, a
purer ether, a diviner air, which she was breathing in now, than what
she had been accustomed to for long months. The gentle, blessed
mother, who had made her childhood's home holy ground, was in her
very nature so far removed from any of earth's stains and
temptations, that she seemed truly one of those
All day long, she felt that familiar sensation that comes when staying in a new home among relative strangers: a sense of needing to adapt to this new environment before she could move and act freely. It was, in fact, a cleaner atmosphere, a more divine air, that she was breathing now compared to what she had been used to for many months. The gentle, cherished mother, who had made her childhood home a sacred place, was so inherently removed from the stains and temptations of the world that she truly seemed like one of those
Who ask not if Thine eye
Be on them; who, in love and truth,
Where no misgiving is, rely
Upon the genial sense of youth.
Who doesn’t wonder if you’re watching them; who, in love and honesty,
With no uncertainty, depend
On the kindness of youth.
In the Bensons' house there was the same unconsciousness of individual merit, the same absence of introspection and analysis of motive, as there had been in her mother; but it seemed that their lives were pure and good, not merely from a lovely and beautiful nature, but from some law, the obedience to which was, of itself, harmonious peace, and which governed them almost implicitly, and with as little questioning on their part, as the glorious stars which haste not, rest not, in their eternal obedience. This household had many failings: they were but human, and, with all their loving desire to bring their lives into harmony with the will of God, they often erred and fell short; but, somehow, the very errors and faults of one individual served to call out higher excellences in another, and so they reacted upon each other, and the result of short discords was exceeding harmony and peace. But they had themselves no idea of the real state of things; they did not trouble themselves with marking their progress by self-examination; if Mr Benson did sometimes, in hours of sick incapacity for exertion, turn inwards, it was to cry aloud with almost morbid despair, "God be merciful to me a sinner!" But he strove to leave his life in the hands of God, and to forget himself.
In the Bensons' house, there was the same lack of awareness about individual worth, the same absence of self-reflection and analysis of motives, as there had been in her mother. However, their lives felt pure and good, not just because of their lovely nature, but due to some guiding principle, the adherence to which created a sense of harmonious peace. They followed this principle almost instinctively, with as little questioning as the glorious stars that don’t rush or rest in their eternal obedience. This household had its flaws; they were only human, and despite their genuine desire to align their lives with God's will, they often made mistakes and fell short. Yet somehow, the very errors and shortcomings of one person brought out greater virtues in another, and they influenced each other in a way that transformed the result of their minor discord into a deep sense of harmony and peace. They had no real understanding of their true situation; they didn’t concern themselves with tracking their growth through self-examination. If Mr. Benson occasionally turned inward during bouts of illness when he couldn’t exert himself, it was to cry out with almost morbid despair, "God, be merciful to me, a sinner!" But he tried to leave his life in God's hands and to forget about himself.
Ruth sat still and quiet through the long first day. She was languid and weary from her journey; she was uncertain what help she might offer to give in the household duties, and what she might not. And, in her languor and in her uncertainty, it was pleasant to watch the new ways of the people among whom she was placed. After breakfast, Mr Benson withdrew to his study, Miss Benson took away the cups and saucers, and, leaving the kitchen door open, talked sometimes to Ruth, sometimes to Sally, while she washed them up. Sally had upstairs duties to perform, for which Ruth was thankful, as she kept receiving rather angry glances for her unpunctuality as long as Sally remained downstairs. Miss Benson assisted in the preparation for the early dinner, and brought some kidney-beans to shred into a basin of bright, pure spring-water, which caught and danced in the sunbeams as she sat near the open casement of the parlour, talking to Ruth of things and people which as yet the latter did not understand, and could not arrange and comprehend. She was like a child who gets a few pieces of a dissected map, and is confused until a glimpse of the whole unity is shown him. Mr and Mrs Bradshaw were the centre pieces in Ruth's map; their children, their servants, were the accessories; and one or two other names were occasionally mentioned. Ruth wondered and almost wearied at Miss Benson's perseverance in talking to her about people whom she did not know; but, in truth, Miss Benson heard the long-drawn, quivering sighs which came from the poor heavy heart, when it was left to silence, and had leisure to review the past; and her quick accustomed ear caught also the low mutterings of the thunder in the distance, in the shape of Sally's soliloquies, which, like the asides at a theatre, were intended to be heard. Suddenly, Miss Benson called Ruth out of the room, upstairs into her own bed-chamber, and then began rummaging in little old-fashioned boxes, drawn out of an equally old-fashioned bureau, half desk, half table, and wholly drawers.
Ruth sat quietly through the long first day. She felt exhausted from her journey and wasn't sure how she could help with household chores. Despite her fatigue and uncertainty, she enjoyed observing the new ways of the people around her. After breakfast, Mr. Benson went to his study, Miss Benson cleared away the cups and saucers, and while keeping the kitchen door open, she chatted occasionally with Ruth and sometimes with Sally as she washed up. Sally had upstairs tasks to complete, which Ruth appreciated since she kept getting annoyed looks for being late while Sally was still downstairs. Miss Benson helped prepare for an early dinner, shredding some kidney beans into a basin of clear spring water that sparkled in the sunlight as she sat near the open window of the parlor, talking to Ruth about people and things she still didn't understand or could barely piece together. She felt like a child with a few pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, confused until she saw the whole picture. Mr. and Mrs. Bradshaw were the main pieces in Ruth's puzzle; their children and servants were the extras, and a few other names popped up occasionally. Ruth found it perplexing and almost exhausting that Miss Benson kept discussing people she didn't know. However, Miss Benson noticed the long, quivering sighs from Ruth's heavy heart when it fell silent and reflected on the past. Her keen ear also picked up the low murmurs of Sally's soliloquies in the distance, meant to be overheard like whispers at a play. Suddenly, Miss Benson called Ruth out of the room and up to her bedroom, where she began searching through small, old-fashioned boxes pulled from an equally old-fashioned bureau that served as a desk, table, and collection of drawers.
"My dear, I've been very stupid and thoughtless. Oh! I'm so glad I thought of it before Mrs Bradshaw came to call. Here it is!" and she pulled out an old wedding-ring, and hurried it on Ruth's finger. Ruth hung down her head, and reddened deep with shame; her eyes smarted with the hot tears that filled them. Miss Benson talked on, in a nervous hurried way:
"My dear, I've been really foolish and inconsiderate. Oh! I'm so glad I realized it before Mrs. Bradshaw came over. Here it is!" and she slid an old wedding ring onto Ruth's finger. Ruth looked down, her face burning with shame; her eyes stung with the hot tears that filled them. Miss Benson kept talking, in a nervous, rushed manner:
"It was my grandmother's; it's very broad; they made them so then, to
hold a posy inside: there's one in that;
"It belonged to my grandmother; it's really wide; that's how they made them back then, to hold a bunch of flowers inside: there's one in that;
Thine own sweetheart
Till death doth part,
Your one and only
Until death separates us,
I think it is. There, there! Run away, and look as if you'd always worn it."
I think it is. There, there! Just run off and act like you've always worn it.
Ruth went up to her room, and threw herself down on her knees by the bedside, and cried as if her heart would break; and then, as if a light had come down into her soul, she calmed herself and prayed—no words can tell how humbly, and with what earnest feeling. When she came down, she was tear-stained and wretchedly pale; but even Sally looked at her with new eyes, because of the dignity with which she was invested by an earnestness of purpose which had her child for its object. She sat and thought, but she no longer heaved those bitter sighs which had wrung Miss Benson's heart in the morning. In this way the day wore on; early dinner, early tea, seemed to make it preternaturally long to Ruth; the only event was some unexplained absence of Sally's, who had disappeared out of the house in the evening, much to Miss Benson's surprise, and somewhat to her indignation.
Ruth went up to her room and threw herself down on her knees by the bedside, crying as if her heart would break. Then, as if a light had entered her soul, she calmed down and prayed—no words can capture how humbly and earnestly she did it. When she came downstairs, her face was tear-stained and she looked painfully pale; even Sally looked at her differently, recognizing the dignity that came from her serious commitment to her child. She sat and thought, but she no longer sighed those bitter sighs that had broken Miss Benson's heart earlier that morning. The day dragged on; an early dinner and early tea made it feel unnaturally long for Ruth. The only notable event was that Sally had inexplicably left the house in the evening, which surprised Miss Benson and bothered her a bit.
At night, after Ruth had gone up to her room, this absence was explained to her at least. She had let down her long waving glossy hair, and was standing absorbed in thought in the middle of the room, when she heard a round clumping knock at her door, different from that given by the small knuckles of delicate fingers, and in walked Sally, with a judge-like severity of demeanour, holding in her hand two widow's caps of commonest make and coarsest texture. Queen Eleanor herself, when she presented the bowl to Fair Rosamond, had not a more relentless purpose stamped on her demeanour than had Sally at this moment. She walked up to the beautiful, astonished Ruth, where she stood in her long, soft, white dressing-gown, with all her luxuriant brown hair hanging dishevelled down her figure, and thus Sally spoke:
At night, after Ruth had gone up to her room, the reason for her absence became clear. She had let down her long, wavy, glossy hair and was lost in thought in the middle of the room when she heard a loud, clumpy knock at her door, different from the gentle taps of delicate fingers. In walked Sally, with a serious demeanor, holding two simple, rough widow's caps. Queen Eleanor herself, when she presented the bowl to Fair Rosamond, had no more determined look on her face than Sally did at that moment. Sally approached the beautiful, surprised Ruth, who stood in her long, soft, white dressing gown, her luxurious brown hair hanging tousled around her, and said:
"Missus—or miss, as the case may be—I've my doubts as to you. I'm not going to have my master and Miss Faith put upon, or shame come near them. Widows wears these sort o' caps, and has their hair cut off; and whether widows wears wedding-rings or not, they shall have their hair cut off—they shall. I'll have no half work in this house. I've lived with the family forty-nine year come Michaelmas, and I'll not see it disgraced by any one's fine long curls. Sit down and let me snip off your hair, and let me see you sham decently in a widow's cap to-morrow, or I'll leave the house. Whatten's come over Miss Faith, as used to be as mim a lady as ever was, to be taken by such as you, I dunnot know. Here! sit down with ye, and let me crop you."
"Missus—or miss, depending on the situation—I have my doubts about you. I'm not going to let my master and Miss Faith be taken advantage of, or let any shame come close to them. Widows wear these kinds of caps and have their hair cut short; and whether widows wear wedding rings or not, they'll have their hair cut short—they will. I won't tolerate any half measures in this house. I've been with the family for forty-nine years come Michaelmas, and I won't allow it to be disgraced by anyone's fancy long curls. Sit down and let me cut your hair, and let me see you properly pretending to be a widow in a cap tomorrow, or I'll leave the house. What’s come over Miss Faith, who used to be as proper a lady as ever was, to be taken in by someone like you, I don't know. Now! Sit down, and let me give you a trim."
She laid no light hand on Ruth's shoulder; and the latter, partly intimidated by the old servant, who had hitherto only turned her vixen lining to observation, and partly because she was broken-spirited enough to be indifferent to the measure proposed, quietly sat down. Sally produced the formidable pair of scissors that always hung at her side, and began to cut in a merciless manner. She expected some remonstrance or some opposition, and had a torrent of words ready to flow forth at the least sign of rebellion; but Ruth was still and silent, with meekly-bowed head, under the strange hands that were shearing her beautiful hair into the clipped shortness of a boy's. Long before she had finished, Sally had some slight misgivings as to the fancied necessity of her task; but it was too late, for half the curls were gone, and the rest must now come off. When she had done, she lifted up Ruth's face by placing her hand under the round white chin. She gazed into the countenance, expecting to read some anger there, though it had not come out in words; but she only met the large, quiet eyes, that looked at her with sad gentleness out of their finely-hollowed orbits. Ruth's soft, yet dignified submission, touched Sally with compunction, though she did not choose to show the change in her feelings. She tried to hide it, indeed, by stooping to pick up the long bright tresses; and, holding them up admiringly, and letting them drop down and float on the air (like the pendant branches of the weeping birch), she said: "I thought we should ha' had some crying—I did. They're pretty curls enough; you've not been so bad to let them be cut off neither. You see, Master Thurstan is no wiser than a babby in some things; and Miss Faith just lets him have his own way; so it's all left to me to keep him out of scrapes. I'll wish you a very good night. I've heard many a one say as long hair was not wholesome. Good night."
She didn't go easy on Ruth's shoulder; and Ruth, partly intimidated by the old servant who had only shown her fierce side until now, and partly because she felt too defeated to care about what was happening, quietly sat down. Sally took out the intimidating pair of scissors that always hung at her side and began to cut ruthlessly. She expected some resistance or opposition and had a whole speech ready to unleash at the slightest hint of defiance; but Ruth remained still and silent, her head bowed gently, while strange hands sheared her beautiful hair into the shortness of a boy's cut. Long before she finished, Sally started to have some doubts about whether this was even necessary; but by then it was too late, as half the curls were gone and the rest had to come off. Once done, she lifted Ruth's face by putting her hand under her round, pale chin. She looked into Ruth’s face, expecting to see some anger—though it hadn't been expressed in words—but all she found were large, calm eyes that gazed at her with a sad gentleness. Ruth's soft yet dignified acceptance stirred something in Sally, though she didn’t let on about her changing feelings. Trying to cover it up, she stooped to pick up the long, shiny locks, holding them up admiringly and letting them float in the air (like the drooping branches of a weeping birch), she said, "I thought there would be some crying—I really did. They’re pretty curls; you’re not so bad for letting them be cut off. You see, Master Thurstan can be as clueless as a baby in some ways; and Miss Faith just lets him do whatever he wants, so it falls on me to keep him out of trouble. I wish you a very good night. I've heard plenty of people say long hair isn't healthy. Good night."
But in a minute she popped her head into Ruth's room once more:
But in a minute, she peeked her head into Ruth's room again:
"You'll put on them caps to-morrow morning. I'll make you a present on them."
"You'll put on those caps tomorrow morning. I'll get you a gift to go with them."
Sally had carried away the beautiful curls, and she could not find it in her heart to throw such lovely chestnut tresses away, so she folded them up carefully in paper, and placed them in a safe corner of her drawer.
Sally had taken the beautiful curls, and she couldn't bring herself to throw away such lovely chestnut hair, so she carefully wrapped them in paper and tucked them away in a safe spot in her drawer.
CHAPTER XIV
Ruth's First Sunday at Eccleston
Ruth felt very shy when she came down (at half-past seven) the next morning, in her widow's cap. Her smooth, pale face, with its oval untouched by time, looked more young and childlike than ever, when contrasted with the head-gear usually associated with ideas of age. She blushed very deeply as Mr and Miss Benson showed the astonishment, which they could not conceal, in their looks. She said in a low voice to Miss Benson,
Ruth felt really shy when she came downstairs (at half-past seven) the next morning, wearing her widow's cap. Her smooth, pale face, with its youthful oval shape, looked even more childlike than usual, especially when compared to the type of headwear that usually suggests old age. She blushed deeply as Mr. and Miss Benson couldn't hide their astonishment in their expressions. She spoke in a quiet voice to Miss Benson,
"Sally thought I had better wear it."
"Sally thought I should probably wear it."
Miss Benson made no reply; but was startled at the intelligence, which she thought was conveyed in this speech, of Sally's acquaintance with Ruth's real situation. She noticed Sally's looks particularly this morning. The manner in which the old servant treated Ruth had in it far more of respect than there had been the day before; but there was a kind of satisfied way of braving out Miss Benson's glances which made the latter uncertain and uncomfortable.
Miss Benson didn't say anything but was taken aback by the implication in Sally's words, realizing that Sally knew about Ruth's actual situation. She paid special attention to Sally's demeanor that morning. The way the old servant interacted with Ruth showed much more respect than it had the day before; however, there was a sort of defiant attitude in how Sally faced Miss Benson's glances that made her feel uneasy and uncertain.
She followed her brother into his study.
She followed her brother into his office.
"Do you know, Thurstan, I am almost certain Sally suspects."
"Do you know, Thurstan, I'm pretty sure Sally suspects."
Mr Benson sighed. The deception grieved him, and yet he thought he saw its necessity.
Mr. Benson sighed. The deception upset him, but he believed he could see its necessity.
"What makes you think so?" asked he.
"What makes you think that?" he asked.
"Oh! many little things. It was her odd way of ducking her head about, as if to catch a good view of Ruth's left hand, that made me think of the wedding-ring; and once, yesterday, when I thought I had made up quite a natural speech, and was saying how sad it was for so young a creature to be left a widow, she broke in with 'widow be farred!' in a very strange, contemptuous kind of manner."
"Oh! so many little things. It was her quirky way of tilting her head, almost like she was trying to get a good look at Ruth's left hand, that made me think of the wedding ring. And yesterday, when I thought I had come up with a pretty natural speech and was saying how sad it was for someone so young to be left a widow, she interrupted with 'widow be farred!' in a really strange, dismissive way."
"If she suspects, we had far better tell her the truth at once. She will never rest till she finds it out, so we must make a virtue of necessity."
"If she suspects anything, we should just tell her the truth right away. She won't rest until she figures it out, so we might as well turn this necessity into a good thing."
"Well, brother, you shall tell her then, for I am sure I daren't. I don't mind doing the thing, since you talked to me that day, and since I've got to know Ruth; but I do mind all the clatter people will make about it."
"Well, bro, you can tell her then, because I definitely can't. I'm okay with doing it, especially since you spoke to me that day and since I've gotten to know Ruth; but I really mind all the noise people will make about it."
"But Sally is not 'people.'"
"But Sally is not 'a people.'"
"Oh, I see it must be done; she'll talk as much as all the other persons put together, so that's the reason I call her 'people.' Shall I call her?" (For the house was too homely and primitive to have bells.)
"Oh, I see it has to be done; she'll talk as much as everyone else combined, so that's why I refer to her as 'people.' Should I call her?" (Since the house was too homey and basic to have bells.)
Sally came, fully aware of what was now going to be told her, and determined not to help them out in telling their awkward secret, by understanding the nature of it before it was put into the plainest language. In every pause, when they hoped she had caught the meaning they were hinting at, she persisted in looking stupid and perplexed, and in saying, "Well," as if quite unenlightened as to the end of the story. When it was all complete and plain before her, she said, honestly enough,
Sally arrived, fully knowing what they were about to tell her, and was determined not to make it easier for them to reveal their awkward secret by figuring out what it was before they explained it in simple terms. In every pause, when they hoped she had grasped the meaning they were alluding to, she continued to look confused and bewildered, and kept saying, "Well," as if she had no clue about the conclusion of the story. When everything was laid out clearly in front of her, she said, honestly enough,
"It's just as I thought it was; and I think you may thank me for having had the sense to put her into widow's caps, and clip off that bonny brown hair that was fitter for a bride in lawful matrimony than for such as her. She took it very well, though. She was as quiet as a lamb, and I clipped her pretty roughly at first. I must say, though, if I'd ha' known who your visitor was, I'd ha' packed up my things and cleared myself out of the house before such as her came into it. As it's done, I suppose I must stand by you, and help you through with it; I only hope I shan't lose my character,—and me a parish clerk's daughter."
"It's just as I thought it would be; and I think you owe me for having the good sense to put her in widow's caps and cut off that lovely brown hair that was more suited for a bride than someone like her. She handled it well, though. She was as calm as a lamb, and I did give her a pretty rough haircut at first. I must say, though, if I had known who your visitor was, I would have packed my things and left the house before someone like her arrived. Now that it's done, I guess I have to stick with you and help you get through this; I just hope I won't lose my good reputation—being the daughter of a parish clerk."
"Oh, Sally! people know you too well to think any ill of you," said Miss Benson, who was pleased to find the difficulty so easily got over; for, in truth, Sally had been much softened by the unresisting gentleness with which Ruth had submitted to the "clipping" of the night before.
"Oh, Sally! People know you too well to think badly of you," said Miss Benson, who was happy to see that the problem was resolved so easily; because, honestly, Sally had been really touched by the gentle way Ruth had accepted the "clipping" from the night before.
"If I'd been with you, Master Thurstan, I'd ha' seen sharp after you, for you're always picking up some one or another as nobody else would touch with a pair of tongs. Why, there was that Nelly Brandon's child as was left at our door, if I hadn't gone to th' overseer we should have had that Irish tramp's babby saddled on us for life; but I went off and told th' overseer, and th' mother was caught."
"If I had been with you, Master Thurstan, I would have kept a close eye on you, because you're always getting involved with people that no one else would want to deal with. Remember that Nelly Brandon’s child who was left at our door? If I hadn't gone to the overseer, we would have been stuck taking care of that Irish tramp's baby for life. But I went and told the overseer, and they caught the mother."
"Yes," said Mr Benson, sadly, "and I often lie awake and wonder what is the fate of that poor little thing, forced back on the mother who tried to get quit of it. I often doubt whether I did right; but it's no use thinking about it now."
"Yes," Mr. Benson said, sadly, "and I often lie awake wondering what happened to that poor little thing, left with the mother who wanted to get rid of it. I often question whether I did the right thing; but it's useless to think about it now."
"I'm thankful it isn't," said Sally; "and now, if we've talked doctrine long enough, I'll go make th' beds. Yon girl's secret is safe enough for me."
"I'm glad it's not," Sally said. "And now, if we've discussed doctrine long enough, I'll go make the beds. That girl's secret is safe with me."
Saying this she left the room, and Miss Benson followed. She found Ruth busy washing the breakfast things; and they were done in so quiet and orderly a manner, that neither Miss Benson nor Sally, both particular enough, had any of their little fancies or prejudices annoyed. She seemed to have an instinctive knowledge of the exact period when her help was likely to become a hindrance, and withdrew from the busy kitchen just at the right time.
Saying this, she left the room, and Miss Benson followed. She found Ruth washing the breakfast dishes, and they were done in such a quiet and orderly way that neither Miss Benson nor Sally, both of whom were quite particular, had any of their little quirks or biases disturbed. She seemed to have an instinctive sense of the exact moment when her help would be more of a hindrance, and she stepped back from the busy kitchen just at the right time.
That afternoon, as Miss Benson and Ruth sat at their work, Mrs and Miss Bradshaw called. Miss Benson was so nervous as to surprise Ruth, who did not understand the probable and possible questions which might be asked respecting any visitor at the minister's house. Ruth went on sewing, absorbed in her own thoughts, and glad that the conversation between the two elder ladies and the silence of the younger one, who sat at some distance from her, gave her an opportunity of retreating into the haunts of memory; and soon the work fell from her hands, and her eyes were fixed on the little garden beyond, but she did not see its flowers or its walls; she saw the mountains which girdled Llan-dhu, and saw the sun rise from behind their iron outline, just as it had done—how long ago? was it months or was it years?—since she had watched the night through, crouched up at his door. Which was the dream and which the reality? that distant life, or this? His moans rang more clearly in her ears than the buzzing of the conversation between Mrs Bradshaw and Miss Benson.
That afternoon, while Miss Benson and Ruth were working, Mrs. and Miss Bradshaw stopped by. Miss Benson was so anxious that it surprised Ruth, who didn’t grasp the likely questions that could come up about any visitor at the minister's house. Ruth continued sewing, lost in her own thoughts, pleased that the conversation between the two older women and the silence of the younger one, who was sitting some distance away, allowed her to retreat into her memories. Soon, the work slipped from her hands, and her gaze settled on the small garden outside, but she didn’t notice its flowers or walls; instead, she envisioned the mountains surrounding Llan-dhu, watching the sun rise from behind their rugged outline, just like it had—how long ago? Was it months or years?—since she had stayed up all night, huddled at his door. Which was the dream and which was the reality? That distant life, or this one? His groans echoed more clearly in her mind than the chatter between Mrs. Bradshaw and Miss Benson.
At length the subdued, scared-looking little lady and her bright-eyed silent daughter rose to take leave; Ruth started into the present, and stood up and curtseyed, and turned sick at heart with sudden recollection.
At last, the quiet, frightened little woman and her bright-eyed, silent daughter got up to say goodbye; Ruth came back to reality, stood up, curtsied, and felt a wave of nausea from a sudden memory.
Miss Benson accompanied Mrs Bradshaw to the door; and in the passage gave her a long explanation of Ruth's (fictitious) history. Mrs Bradshaw looked so much interested and pleased, that Miss Benson enlarged a little more than was necessary, and rounded off her invention with one or two imaginary details, which, she was quite unconscious, were overheard by her brother through the half-open study door.
Miss Benson walked Mrs. Bradshaw to the door and, in the hallway, gave her a detailed story about Ruth's (made-up) background. Mrs. Bradshaw seemed so interested and happy that Miss Benson elaborated a bit more than needed and added a couple of made-up details that she was completely unaware were being overheard by her brother through the slightly open study door.
She was rather dismayed when he called her into his room after Mrs Bradshaw's departure, and asked her what she had been saying about Ruth?
She felt quite unsettled when he called her into his room after Mrs. Bradshaw left and asked her what she had been saying about Ruth.
"Oh! I thought it was better to explain it thoroughly—I mean, to tell the story we wished to have believed once for all—you know we agreed about that, Thurstan?" deprecatingly.
"Oh! I thought it would be best to explain it fully—I mean, to tell the story we wanted to believe once and for all—you know we agreed on that, right, Thurstan?" she said, apologetically.
"Yes; but I heard you saying you believed her husband had been a young surgeon, did I not?"
"Yeah; but I heard you say you thought her husband used to be a young surgeon, right?"
"Well, Thurstan, you know he must have been something; and young surgeons are so in the way of dying, it seemed very natural. Besides," said she, with sudden boldness, "I do think I've a talent for fiction, it is so pleasant to invent, and make the incidents dovetail together; and after all, if we are to tell a lie, we may as well do it thoroughly, or else it's of no use. A bungling lie would be worse than useless. And, Thurstan—it may be very wrong—but I believe—I am afraid I enjoy not being fettered by truth. Don't look so grave. You know it is necessary, if ever it was, to tell falsehoods now; and don't be angry with me because I do it well."
"Well, Thurstan, you know he must have been something; and young surgeons are frequently dying, so it seemed very normal. Besides," she said, suddenly feeling bold, "I really think I have a talent for storytelling; it's so enjoyable to create and make the events fit together. And honestly, if we're going to tell a lie, we might as well do it well, otherwise it’s pointless. A poorly told lie would be worse than useless. And, Thurstan—it might be very wrong—but I believe—I’m afraid I actually enjoy not being restricted by the truth. Don’t look so serious. You know it's necessary now, more than ever, to tell lies; and don’t be mad at me for being good at it."
He was shading his eyes with his hand, and did not speak for some time. At last he said:
He was blocking the sunlight with his hand and stayed quiet for a while. Finally, he spoke up:
"If it were not for the child, I would tell all; but the world is so cruel. You don't know how this apparent necessity for falsehood pains me, Faith, or you would not invent all these details, which are so many additional lies."
"If it weren't for the child, I'd share everything; but the world is so harsh. You have no idea how this need to lie hurts me, Faith, or you wouldn't come up with all these details, which are just more lies."
"Well, well! I will restrain myself if I have to talk about Ruth again. But Mrs Bradshaw will tell every one who need to know. You don't wish me to contradict it, Thurstan, surely—it was such a pretty, probable story."
"Well, well! I’ll hold back if I have to talk about Ruth again. But Mrs. Bradshaw will tell everyone who needs to know. You don't want me to contradict it, Thurstan, do you? It was such a nice, believable story."
"Faith! I hope God will forgive us if we are doing wrong; and pray, dear, don't add one unnecessary word that is not true."
"Faith! I hope God will forgive us if we're in the wrong; and please, dear, don’t add any unnecessary words that aren’t true."
Another day elapsed, and then it was Sunday; and the house seemed filled with a deep peace. Even Sally's movements were less hasty and abrupt. Mr Benson seemed invested with a new dignity, which made his bodily deformity be forgotten in his calm, grave composure of spirit. Every trace of week-day occupation was put away; the night before, a bright new handsome tablecloth had been smoothed down over the table, and the jars had been freshly filled with flowers. Sunday was a festival and a holy day in the house. After the very early breakfast, little feet pattered into Mr Benson's study, for he had a class for boys—a sort of domestic Sunday-school, only that there was more talking between teacher and pupils, than dry, absolute lessons going on. Miss Benson, too, had her little, neat-tippeted maidens sitting with her in the parlour; and she was far more particular in keeping them to their reading and spelling, than her brother was with his boys. Sally, too, put in her word of instruction from the kitchen, helping, as she fancied, though her assistance was often rather malapropos; for instance, she called out, to a little fat, stupid, roly-poly girl, to whom Miss Benson was busy explaining the meaning of the word quadruped,
Another day went by, and then it was Sunday; the house felt filled with a deep peace. Even Sally’s movements were less hurried and abrupt. Mr. Benson seemed to carry a new dignity, making his physical disability easy to overlook with his calm and serious demeanor. Every sign of weekday activities was put away; the night before, a bright, new, attractive tablecloth had been spread over the table, and the jars had been filled with fresh flowers. Sunday was a special and sacred day in the house. After an early breakfast, little feet padded into Mr. Benson’s study because he had a class for boys—a kind of home Sunday school, but with more conversation between teacher and students rather than dry, strict lessons. Miss Benson also had her neat little girls sitting with her in the parlor, and she was far more focused on keeping them to their reading and spelling than her brother was with his boys. Sally also chimed in from the kitchen, trying to help, though her input was often rather malapropos; for instance, she called out to a little chubby, silly, roly-poly girl, to whom Miss Benson was busy explaining the meaning of the word quadruped,
"Quadruped, a thing wi' four legs, Jenny; a chair is a quadruped, child!"
"Quadruped, something with four legs, Jenny; a chair is a quadruped, kid!"
But Miss Benson had a deaf manner sometimes when her patience was not too severely tried, and she put it on now. Ruth sat on a low hassock, and coaxed the least of the little creatures to her, and showed it pictures till it fell asleep in her arms, and sent a thrill through her, at the thought of the tiny darling who would lie on her breast before long, and whom she would have to cherish and to shelter from the storms of the world.
But Miss Benson sometimes had a distant vibe when her patience wasn't stretched too thin, and she was putting that on now. Ruth sat on a low cushion, gently coaxing one of the little creatures to her, showing it pictures until it fell asleep in her arms. A thrill ran through her at the thought of the tiny darling who would soon lie against her chest, someone she would need to cherish and protect from the world's storms.
And then she remembered, that she was once white and sinless as the wee lassie who lay in her arms; and she knew that she had gone astray. By-and-by the children trooped away, and Miss Benson summoned her to put on her things for chapel.
And then she remembered that she used to be as pure and innocent as the little girl resting in her arms; and she realized that she had lost her way. Eventually, the children left, and Miss Benson called her to get ready for chapel.
The chapel was up a narrow street, or rather cul-de-sac, close by. It stood on the outskirts of the town, almost in fields. It was built about the time of Matthew and Philip Henry, when the Dissenters were afraid of attracting attention or observation, and hid their places of worship in obscure and out-of-the-way parts of the towns in which they were built. Accordingly, it often happened, as in the present case, that the buildings immediately surrounding, as well as the chapels themselves, looked as if they carried you back to a period a hundred and fifty years ago. The chapel had a picturesque and old-world look, for luckily the congregation had been too poor to rebuild it, or new-face it, in George the Third's time. The staircases which led to the galleries were outside, at each end of the building, and the irregular roof and worn stone steps looked grey and stained by time and weather. The grassy hillocks, each with a little upright headstone, were shaded by a grand old wych-elm. A lilac-bush or two, a white rose-tree, and a few laburnums, all old and gnarled enough, were planted round the chapel yard; and the casement windows of the chapel were made of heavy-leaded, diamond-shaped panes, almost covered with ivy, producing a green gloom, not without its solemnity, within. This ivy was the home of an infinite number of little birds, which twittered and warbled, till it might have been thought that they were emulous of the power of praise possessed by the human creatures within, with such earnest, long-drawn strains did this crowd of winged songsters rejoice and be glad in their beautiful gift of life. The interior of the building was plain and simple as plain and simple could be. When it was fitted up, oak-timber was much cheaper than it is now, so the wood-work was all of that description; but roughly hewed, for the early builders had not much wealth to spare. The walls were whitewashed, and were recipients of the shadows of the beauty without; on their "white plains" the tracery of the ivy might be seen, now still, now stirred by the sudden flight of some little bird. The congregation consisted of here and there a farmer with his labourers, who came down from the uplands beyond the town to worship where their fathers worshipped, and who loved the place because they knew how much those fathers had suffered for it, although they never troubled themselves with the reason why they left the parish church; of a few shopkeepers, far more thoughtful and reasoning, who were Dissenters from conviction, unmixed with old ancestral association; and of one or two families of still higher worldly station. With many poor, who were drawn there by love for Mr Benson's character, and by a feeling that the faith which made him what he was could not be far wrong, for the base of the pyramid, and with Mr Bradshaw for its apex, the congregation stood complete.
The chapel was up a narrow street, or rather cul-de-sac, nearby. It sat on the edge of town, almost in the fields. It was built around the time of Matthew and Philip Henry, when Dissenters were cautious about attracting attention and hid their places of worship in obscure and out-of-the-way parts of the towns where they were located. As a result, it often happened, as was the case here, that the surrounding buildings, as well as the chapels themselves, seemed like they were from a hundred and fifty years ago. The chapel had a charming, old-fashioned look, because fortunately the congregation had been too poor to rebuild or renovate it during George the Third's era. The staircases that led to the balconies were outside, at both ends of the building, and the irregular roof and worn stone steps looked gray and stained by time and weather. The grassy mounds, each with a little upright headstone, were shaded by a grand, old wych-elm. A couple of lilac bushes, a white rose bush, and a few gnarled laburnums were planted around the chapel yard; the chapel's casement windows were made of heavy-leaded, diamond-shaped panes, almost covered in ivy, creating a green gloom inside that had a somber beauty. This ivy was home to countless little birds that chirped and sang, as if trying to match the praiseworthy sounds of the people inside, with how earnestly and melodiously these little songbirds celebrated their beautiful gift of life. The interior of the building was as plain and simple as it could be. When it was built, oak timber was much cheaper than it is now, so the woodwork was all of that type; but it was roughly hewn, as the early builders didn’t have much money to spare. The walls were whitewashed and bore the shadows of the beauty outside; on their "white plains," the tracery of the ivy could be seen, sometimes still, sometimes stirred by the sudden flight of a little bird. The congregation included, here and there, a farmer with his laborers, who traveled down from the hills beyond the town to worship where their fathers had worshipped, loving the place because they knew how much their fathers had suffered for it, even though they never questioned why they had left the parish church; a few shopkeepers, far more thoughtful and reasoning, who were Dissenters by conviction, with no ancestral ties; and one or two families of higher social status. Along with many poor individuals drawn there by their admiration for Mr. Benson's character and the feeling that the faith that shaped him couldn’t be wrong, the congregation was complete, with Mr. Bradshaw at its pinnacle.
The country people came in sleeking down their hair, and treading with earnest attempts at noiseless lightness of step over the floor of the aisle; and by-and-by, when all were assembled, Mr Benson followed, unmarshalled and unattended. When he had closed the pulpit-door, and knelt in prayer for an instant or two, he gave out a psalm from the dear old Scottish paraphrase, with its primitive inversion of the simple perfect Bible words; and a kind of precentor stood up, and, having sounded the note on a pitch-pipe, sang a couple of lines by way of indicating the tune; then all the congregation stood up, and sang aloud, Mr Bradshaw's great bass voice being half a note in advance of the others, in accordance with his place of precedence as principal member of the congregation. His powerful voice was like an organ very badly played, and very much out of tune; but as he had no ear, and no diffidence, it pleased him very much to hear the fine loud sound. He was a tall, large-boned, iron man; stern, powerful, and authoritative in appearance; dressed in clothes of the finest broadcloth, and scrupulously ill-made, as if to show that he was indifferent to all outward things. His wife was sweet and gentle-looking, but as if she was thoroughly broken into submission.
The country folks came in, smoothing down their hair and trying hard to walk quietly down the aisle. Eventually, when everyone had gathered, Mr. Benson came in alone and unaccompanied. After he closed the pulpit door and knelt for a moment of prayer, he started a psalm from the beloved old Scottish paraphrase, with its old-fashioned twist on the simple biblical words. A kind of leader stood up, sounded a note on a pitch pipe, and sang a couple of lines to set the tune. Then the whole congregation stood and sang loudly, with Mr. Bradshaw’s deep bass voice a half-note ahead of everyone else, reflecting his status as the top member of the congregation. His strong voice resembled a badly played and out-of-tune organ; but since he had no sense of pitch and no shyness, he really enjoyed hearing the loud sound. He was a tall, large-framed, iron man; stern, strong, and commanding in appearance; dressed in the finest broadcloth, but it was awkwardly made as if to show he didn’t care about appearances. His wife looked sweet and gentle, but she seemed completely resigned to submission.
Ruth did not see this, or hear aught but the words which were reverently—oh, how reverently!—spoken by Mr Benson. He had had Ruth present in his thoughts all the time he had been preparing for his Sunday duty; and he had tried carefully to eschew everything which she might feel as an allusion to her own case. He remembered how the Good Shepherd, in Poussin's beautiful picture, tenderly carried the lambs which had wearied themselves by going astray, and felt how like tenderness was required towards poor Ruth. But where is the chapter which does not contain something which a broken and contrite spirit may not apply to itself? And so it fell out that, as he read, Ruth's heart was smitten, and she sank down, and down, till she was kneeling on the floor of the pew, and speaking to God in the spirit, if not in the words, of the Prodigal Son: "Father! I have sinned against Heaven and before Thee, and am no more worthy to be called Thy child!" Miss Benson was thankful (although she loved Ruth the better for this self-abandonment) that the minister's seat was far in the shade of the gallery. She tried to look most attentive to her brother, in order that Mr Bradshaw might not suspect anything unusual, while she stealthily took hold of Ruth's passive hand, as it lay helpless on the cushion, and pressed it softly and tenderly. But Ruth sat on the ground, bowed down and crushed in her sorrow, till all was ended.
Ruth didn’t see this or hear anything except the words that were spoken with deep respect—oh, how respectful!—by Mr. Benson. He had kept Ruth in mind the entire time he was preparing for his Sunday duty and had carefully tried to avoid anything that might remind her of her own situation. He thought of how the Good Shepherd, in Poussin's beautiful painting, gently carried the lambs that had gotten lost and felt that the same kind of tenderness was needed for poor Ruth. But where is the chapter that doesn’t contain something a broken and remorseful spirit can't relate to? As he read, Ruth's heart was touched, and she sank down, down, until she was kneeling on the floor of the pew, speaking to God in the spirit, if not in the exact words, of the Prodigal Son: "Father! I have sinned against Heaven and before You, and I am no longer worthy to be called Your child!" Miss Benson was grateful—though she loved Ruth even more for this moment of surrender—that the minister's seat was far back in the shadows of the gallery. She tried to appear completely focused on her brother so Mr. Bradshaw wouldn’t suspect anything unusual, while she quietly took hold of Ruth's limp hand as it rested on the cushion and squeezed it softly and tenderly. But Ruth remained on the ground, bowed down and overwhelmed by her sorrow, until everything came to an end.
Miss Benson loitered in her seat, divided between the consciousness that she, as locum tenens for the minister's wife, was expected to be at the door to receive the kind greetings of many after her absence from home, and her unwillingness to disturb Ruth, who was evidently praying, and, by her quiet breathing, receiving grave and solemn influences into her soul. At length she rose up, calm and composed even to dignity. The chapel was still and empty; but Miss Benson heard the buzz of voices in the chapel-yard without. They were probably those of people waiting for her; and she summoned courage, and taking Ruth's arm in hers, and holding her hand affectionately, they went out into the broad daylight. As they issued forth, Miss Benson heard Mr Bradshaw's strong bass voice speaking to her brother, and winced, as she knew he would be wincing, under the broad praise, which is impertinence, however little it may be intended or esteemed as such.
Miss Benson lingered in her seat, torn between the awareness that, as locum tenens for the minister's wife, she was expected to greet many people after being away from home, and her reluctance to interrupt Ruth, who was clearly in prayer and, through her soft breathing, taking in serious and profound influences. Finally, she stood up, calm and composed, almost dignified. The chapel was quiet and empty, but Miss Benson could hear the murmur of voices in the chapel yard outside. They were likely people waiting for her, and she gathered her courage, taking Ruth's arm and holding her hand warmly as they stepped into the bright daylight. As they left, Miss Benson heard Mr. Bradshaw's deep voice talking to her brother and flinched, knowing he would be uncomfortable under the excessive praise, which she knew was more annoying than flattering, no matter how little it was meant or considered as such.
"Oh, yes!—my wife told me yesterday about her—her husband was a surgeon; my father was a surgeon too, as I think you have heard. Very much to your credit, I must say, Mr Benson, with your limited means, to burden yourself with a poor relation. Very creditable indeed."
"Oh, absolutely! My wife mentioned yesterday that her husband was a surgeon; my father was also a surgeon, as I believe you've heard. I must commend you, Mr. Benson, for taking on a relative in need, especially given your limited resources. That's quite commendable."
Miss Benson glanced at Ruth; she either did not hear or did not understand, but passed on into the awful sphere of Mr Bradshaw's observation unmoved. He was in a bland and condescending humour of universal approval, and when he saw Ruth, he nodded his head in token of satisfaction. That ordeal was over, Miss Benson thought, and in the thought rejoiced.
Miss Benson looked at Ruth; she either didn’t hear or didn’t understand, but she moved on into the terrible gaze of Mr. Bradshaw without a flinch. He was in a pleasant and patronizing mood of total approval, and when he saw Ruth, he nodded his head in a sign of satisfaction. That challenge was behind them, Miss Benson thought, and she felt relieved by that thought.
"After dinner, you must go and lie down, my dear," said she, untying Ruth's bonnet-strings, and kissing her. "Sally goes to church again, but you won't mind staying alone in the house. I am sorry we have so many people to dinner, but my brother will always have enough on Sundays for any old or weak people, who may have come from a distance, to stay and dine with us; and to-day they all seem to have come, because it is his first Sabbath at home."
"After dinner, you need to go and lie down, my dear," she said, untying Ruth's bonnet strings and kissing her. "Sally is going to church again, but you won’t mind staying alone in the house. I’m sorry we have so many people for dinner, but my brother always wants to make sure there’s enough for any old or weak folks who might have come from far away to stay and eat with us; and today, it seems like everyone has come because it's his first Sunday at home."
In this way Ruth's first Sabbath passed over.
In this way, Ruth's first Sabbath went by.
CHAPTER XV
Mother and Child
"Here is a parcel for you, Ruth!" said Miss Benson on the Tuesday morning.
"Here’s a package for you, Ruth!" said Miss Benson on Tuesday morning.
"For me!" said Ruth, all sorts of rushing thoughts and hopes filling her mind, and turning her dizzy with expectation. If it had been from "him," the new-born resolutions would have had a hard struggle for existence.
"For me!" said Ruth, a whirlwind of thoughts and hopes swirling in her mind, making her feel dizzy with excitement. If it had been from "him," those new resolutions would have faced a tough battle to survive.
"It is directed 'Mrs Denbigh,'" said Miss Benson, before giving it up. "It is in Mrs Bradshaw's handwriting;" and, far more curious than Ruth, she awaited the untying of the close-knotted string. When the paper was opened, it displayed a whole piece of delicate cambric-muslin; and there was a short note from Mrs Bradshaw to Ruth, saying her husband had wished her to send this muslin in aid of any preparations Mrs Denbigh might have to make. Ruth said nothing, but coloured up, and sat down again to her employment.
"It’s addressed to 'Mrs. Denbigh,'" said Miss Benson, before giving up. "It’s in Mrs. Bradshaw’s handwriting;" and, far more curious than Ruth, she waited for the tightly knotted string to be untied. When the paper was opened, it revealed a whole piece of delicate cambric muslin; and there was a short note from Mrs. Bradshaw to Ruth, saying her husband had asked her to send this muslin to help with any preparations Mrs. Denbigh might need to make. Ruth said nothing, but she blushed and sat back down to her work.
"Very fine muslin indeed," said Miss Benson, feeling it, and holding it up against the light, with the air of a connoisseur; yet all the time she was glancing at Ruth's grave face. The latter kept silence, and showed no wish to inspect her present further. At last she said, in a low voice,
"Really nice muslin," Miss Benson said, feeling it and holding it up to the light like an expert; yet the whole time she was glancing at Ruth's serious face. Ruth remained silent and didn’t seem interested in looking at her gift any longer. Finally, she said in a soft voice,
"I suppose I may send it back again?"
"I guess I can send it back again?"
"My dear child! send it back to Mr Bradshaw! You'd offend him for life. You may depend upon it, he means it as a mark of high favour!"
"My dear child! Send it back to Mr. Bradshaw! You would offend him for life. Trust me, he sees it as a sign of his high regard!"
"What right had he to send it me?" asked Ruth, still in her quiet voice.
"What right did he have to send this to me?" asked Ruth, still in her calm voice.
"What right? Mr Bradshaw thinks— I don't know exactly what you mean by 'right.'"
"What right? Mr. Bradshaw thinks— I’m not sure what you mean by 'right.'"
Ruth was silent for a moment, and then said:
Ruth was quiet for a moment, and then said:
"There are people to whom I love to feel that I owe gratitude—gratitude which I cannot express, and had better not talk about—but I cannot see why a person whom I do not know should lay me under an obligation. Oh! don't say I must take this muslin, please, Miss Benson!"
"There are people I feel grateful to—gratitude I can't express and would be better off not discussing—but I can't understand why someone I don't know should make me feel obligated. Oh! Please don't say I have to take this muslin, Miss Benson!"
What Miss Benson might have said if her brother had not just then entered the room, neither he nor any other person could tell; but she felt his presence was most opportune, and called him in as umpire. He had come hastily, for he had much to do; but he no sooner heard the case than he sat down, and tried to draw some more explicit declaration of her feeling from Ruth, who had remained silent during Miss Benson's explanation.
What Miss Benson might have said if her brother hadn't just walked into the room was something neither he nor anyone else could know; but she felt his presence was very timely and invited him in as a judge. He had rushed in because he had a lot on his plate, but as soon as he heard the situation, he sat down and tried to get a clearer expression of her feelings from Ruth, who had stayed quiet while Miss Benson explained.
"You would rather send this present back?" said he.
"You'd prefer to send this gift back?" he asked.
"Yes," she answered, softly. "Is it wrong?"
"Yeah," she replied quietly. "Is that a bad thing?"
"Why do you want to return it?"
"Why do you want to send it back?"
"Because I feel as if Mr Bradshaw had no right to offer it me."
"Because I feel like Mr. Bradshaw had no right to offer it to me."
Mr Benson was silent.
Mr. Benson was quiet.
"It's beautifully fine," said Miss Benson, still examining the piece.
"It's really nice," said Miss Benson, still looking at the piece.
"You think that it is a right which must be earned?"
"You think it's something that needs to be earned?"
"Yes," said she, after a minute's pause. "Don't you?"
"Yeah," she said after a moment. "Don't you?"
"I understand what you mean. It is a delight to have gifts made to you by those whom you esteem and love, because then such gifts are merely to be considered as fringes to the garment—as inconsiderable additions to the mighty treasure of their affection, adding a grace, but no additional value, to what before was precious, and proceeding as naturally out of that as leaves burgeon out upon the trees; but you feel it to be different when there is no regard for the giver to idealise the gift—when it simply takes its stand among your property as so much money's value. Is this it, Ruth?"
"I get what you're saying. It's wonderful to receive gifts from those you respect and love because those gifts are like little touches to something already beautiful—they're small additions to the huge treasure of their affection, adding charm but not changing the actual worth of what was already precious, just as leaves naturally grow on trees. But it feels different when the giver doesn't matter, and the gift stands among your belongings just as a monetary value. Is that what you mean, Ruth?"
"I think it is. I never reasoned why I felt as I did; I only knew that Mr Bradshaw's giving me a present hurt me, instead of making me glad."
"I think it is. I never thought about why I felt the way I did; I just knew that when Mr. Bradshaw gave me a present, it upset me instead of making me happy."
"Well, but there is another side of the case we have not looked at yet—we must think of that, too. You know who said, 'Do unto others as ye would that they should do unto you'? Mr Bradshaw may not have had that in his mind when he desired his wife to send you this; he may have been self-seeking, and only anxious to gratify his love of patronising—that is the worst motive we can give him; and that would be no excuse for your thinking only of yourself, and returning his present."
"Well, there's another side to this situation that we haven't considered yet—we should think about that, too. You know the saying, 'Treat others how you want to be treated'? Mr. Bradshaw might not have had that in mind when he asked his wife to send this to you; he might have been selfish and just wanted to indulge his desire to patronize you—that's the worst motive we can assign him; and that wouldn’t excuse you from only thinking of yourself and returning his gift."
"But you would not have me pretend to be obliged?" asked Ruth.
"But you wouldn't want me to pretend to be grateful?" asked Ruth.
"No, I would not. I have often been similarly situated to you, Ruth; Mr Bradshaw has frequently opposed me on the points on which I feel the warmest—am the most earnestly convinced. He, no doubt, thinks me Quixotic, and often speaks of me, and to me, with great contempt when he is angry. I suppose he has a little fit of penitence afterwards, or perhaps he thinks he can pay for ungracious speeches by a present; so, formerly, he invariably sent me something after these occasions. It was a time, of all others, to feel as you are doing now; but I became convinced it would be right to accept them, giving only the very cool thanks which I felt. This omission of all show of much gratitude had the best effect—the presents have much diminished; but if the gifts have lessened, the unjustifiable speeches have decreased in still greater proportion, and I am sure we respect each other more. Take this muslin, Ruth, for the reason I named; and thank him as your feelings prompt you. Overstrained expressions of gratitude always seem like an endeavour to place the receiver of these expressions in the position of debtor for future favours. But you won't fall into this error."
"No, I wouldn’t. I’ve often been in a similar situation to you, Ruth; Mr. Bradshaw has frequently challenged me on the issues I care about most deeply and believe in strongly. He probably thinks I’m a bit idealistic and often speaks of me, and to me, with a lot of contempt when he’s upset. I guess he feels guilty about it later, or maybe he thinks he can make up for his rude comments by giving me gifts; back then, he always sent me something after those moments. It was a time when it was easy to feel like you do now; but I came to believe it was better to accept them, offering only the polite thanks I truly felt. This lack of overt gratitude had a positive impact—the gifts have significantly decreased; but if the gifts have lessened, the disrespectful comments have decreased even more, and I’m sure we respect each other more now. Take this muslin, Ruth, for the reason I mentioned; and thank him based on how you truly feel. Over-the-top expressions of gratitude often seem like a way to put the person receiving them in a position of owing future favors. But you won’t make that mistake."
Ruth listened to Mr Benson; but she had not yet fallen sufficiently into the tone of his mind to understand him fully. She only felt that he comprehended her better than Miss Benson, who once more tried to reconcile her to her present, by calling her attention to the length and breadth thereof.
Ruth listened to Mr. Benson, but she still hadn’t fully tuned into his way of thinking to understand him completely. She only sensed that he understood her better than Miss Benson, who again tried to help her accept her situation by pointing out its size and scope.
"I will do what you wish me," she said, after a little pause of thoughtfulness. "May we talk of something else?"
"I'll do what you want," she said after a moment of reflection. "Can we discuss something else?"
Mr Benson saw that his sister's frame of mind was not particularly congenial with Ruth's, any more than Ruth's was with Miss Benson's; and, putting aside all thought of returning to the business which had appeared to him so important when he came into the room (but which principally related to himself), he remained above an hour in the parlour, interesting them on subjects far removed from the present, and left them at the end of that time soothed and calm.
Mr. Benson noticed that his sister's mood didn't really match Ruth's, just like Ruth's didn't match Miss Benson's. So, forgetting all about going back to the task that seemed so important to him when he walked in (which was mostly about himself), he stayed in the living room for over an hour, engaging them in topics that were completely unrelated to what was happening at the moment, and by the time he left, they were both relaxed and at peace.
But the present gave a new current to Ruth's ideas. Her heart was as yet too sore to speak, but her mind was crowded with plans. She asked Sally to buy her (with the money produced by the sale of a ring or two) the coarsest linen, the homeliest dark blue print, and similar materials; on which she set busily to work to make clothes for herself; and as they were made, she put them on; and as she put them on, she gave a grace to each, which such homely material and simple shaping had never had before. Then the fine linen and delicate soft white muslin, which she had chosen in preference to more expensive articles of dress when Mr Bellingham had given her carte blanche in London, were cut into small garments, most daintily stitched and made ready for the little creature, for whom in its white purity of soul nothing could be too precious.
But the present gave a fresh perspective to Ruth's thoughts. Her heart was still too hurt to say anything, but her mind was filled with plans. She asked Sally to buy her (with the money from selling a ring or two) the coarsest linen, the simplest dark blue print, and similar materials; with which she got busy making clothes for herself. As she finished each outfit, she put it on, and as she wore them, she infused a charm into each piece that such plain material and simple design had never had before. Then the fine linen and soft white muslin, which she had chosen instead of more expensive clothing when Mr. Bellingham had given her a free hand in London, were cut into tiny garments, carefully stitched and prepared for the little one, for whom nothing could be too precious in its pure white innocence.
The love which dictated this extreme simplicity and coarseness of attire, was taken for stiff, hard economy by Mr Bradshaw, when he deigned to observe it. And economy by itself, without any soul or spirit in it to make it living and holy, was a great merit in his eyes. Indeed, Ruth altogether found favour with him. Her quiet manner, subdued by an internal consciousness of a deeper cause for sorrow than he was aware of, he interpreted into a very proper and becoming awe of him. He looked off from his own prayers to observe how well she attended to hers at chapel; when he came to any verse in the hymn relating to immortality or a future life, he sang it unusually loud, thinking he should thus comfort her in her sorrow for her deceased husband. He desired Mrs Bradshaw to pay her every attention she could; and even once remarked, that he thought her so respectable a young person that he should not object to her being asked to tea the next time Mr and Miss Benson came. He added, that he thought, indeed, Benson had looked last Sunday as if he rather hoped to get an invitation; and it was right to encourage the ministers, and to show them respect, even though their salaries were small. The only thing against this Mrs Denbigh was the circumstance of her having married too early, and without any provision for a family. Though Ruth pleaded delicacy of health, and declined accompanying Mr and Miss Benson on their visit to Mr Bradshaw, she still preserved her place in his esteem; and Miss Benson had to call a little upon her "talent for fiction" to spare Ruth from the infliction of further presents, in making which his love of patronising delighted.
The love that inspired this extreme simplicity and roughness in her clothing was mistaken for stiff, harsh frugality by Mr. Bradshaw, whenever he bothered to notice it. For him, frugality alone, without any heart or spirit to make it feel alive and special, was a major virtue. In fact, Ruth completely caught his approval. Her calm demeanor, muted by an inner awareness of a deeper sorrow than he understood, he interpreted as a very proper and respectful awe for him. He would glance away from his own prayers to see how attentively she paid attention to hers at the chapel; and whenever he got to any line in the hymn about immortality or life after death, he sang it unusually loud, thinking it would comfort her in her grief for her late husband. He asked Mrs. Bradshaw to give her as much attention as possible; and even mentioned once that he thought she was such a respectable young woman that he wouldn’t mind if she was invited to tea the next time Mr. and Miss Benson came over. He added that he felt Benson had looked last Sunday as if he was hoping for an invitation, and that it was important to support the ministers and show them respect, even if their pay was low. The only drawback against Mrs. Denbigh was that she had married too young and without any financial security for a family. Although Ruth cited her delicate health as a reason for not accompanying Mr. and Miss Benson on their visit to Mr. Bradshaw, she still maintained her place in his good graces; and Miss Benson had to rely a bit on her "talent for fiction" to spare Ruth from receiving even more gifts, which Mr. Bradshaw loved to bestow.
The yellow and crimson leaves came floating down on the still October air; November followed, bleak and dreary; it was more cheerful when the earth put on her beautiful robe of white, which covered up all the grey naked stems, and loaded the leaves of the hollies and evergreens each with its burden of feathery snow. When Ruth sank down to languor and sadness, Miss Benson trotted upstairs, and rummaged up every article of spare or worn-out clothing, and bringing down a variety of strange materials, she tried to interest Ruth in making them up into garments for the poor. But though Ruth's fingers flew through the work, she still sighed with thought and remembrance. Miss Benson was at first disappointed, and then she was angry. When she heard the low, long sigh, and saw the dreamy eyes filling with glittering tears, she would say, "What is the matter, Ruth?" in a half-reproachful tone, for the sight of suffering was painful to her; she had done all in her power to remedy it; and, though she acknowledged a cause beyond her reach for Ruth's deep sorrow, and, in fact, loved and respected her all the more for these manifestations of grief, yet at the time they irritated her. Then Ruth would snatch up the dropped work, and stitch away with drooping eyes, from which the hot tears fell fast; and Miss Benson was then angry with herself, yet not at all inclined to agree with Sally when she asked her mistress "why she kept 'mithering' the poor lass with asking her for ever what was the matter, as if she did not know well enough." Some element of harmony was wanting—some little angel of peace, in loving whom all hearts and natures should be drawn together, and their discords hushed.
The yellow and red leaves drifted down on the still October air; November followed, cold and gloomy. It felt more uplifting when the earth donned her lovely white robe, covering all the gray bare branches and weighing down the leaves of the hollies and evergreens with fluffy snow. When Ruth fell into a state of exhaustion and sadness, Miss Benson rushed upstairs, gathered every piece of spare or worn-out clothing, and brought down a mix of odd materials, trying to get Ruth interested in turning them into clothes for the needy. But even as Ruth's hands moved quickly through the work, she continued to sigh with thoughts and memories. At first, Miss Benson felt disappointed, then she became frustrated. When she heard the low, drawn-out sigh and saw Ruth's dreamy eyes filling with sparkling tears, she would ask, "What's wrong, Ruth?" in a half-reproachful tone, as witnessing suffering was painful for her; she had done everything she could to help. Although she recognized that there was a cause for Ruth's deep sorrow that was beyond her reach, and in fact, loved and respected Ruth even more for showing this grief, it still irritated her at that moment. Then Ruth would pick up the fallen work and stitch with downcast eyes, from which hot tears fell quickly; and Miss Benson would feel angry with herself, yet not at all willing to agree with Sally when she questioned her mistress about why she kept "bothering" the poor girl by asking her repeatedly what was wrong, as if she didn't know full well. Some element of harmony was missing—some small angel of peace, in loving whom all hearts and natures should come together, and their conflicts quieted.
The earth was still "hiding her guilty front with innocent snow," when a little baby was laid by the side of the pale white mother. It was a boy; beforehand she had wished for a girl, as being less likely to feel the want of a father—as being what a mother, worse than widowed, could most effectually shelter. But now she did not think or remember this. What it was, she would not have exchanged for a wilderness of girls. It was her own, her darling, her individual baby, already, though not an hour old, separate and sole in her heart, strangely filling up its measure with love and peace, and even hope. For here was a new, pure, beautiful, innocent life, which she fondly imagined, in that early passion of maternal love, she could guard from every touch of corrupting sin by ever watchful and most tender care. And her mother had thought the same, most probably; and thousands of others think the same, and pray to God to purify and cleanse their souls, that they may be fit guardians for their little children. Oh, how Ruth prayed, even while she was yet too weak to speak; and how she felt the beauty and significance of the words, "Our Father!"
The earth was still "hiding her guilty front with innocent snow," when a little baby was laid next to the pale white mother. It was a boy; before, she had wished for a girl, thinking it would be less likely to feel the absence of a father—since a daughter was something a mother, feeling more than widowed, could most effectively protect. But now she wasn’t thinking about that at all. What she had was something she wouldn’t trade for a whole bunch of girls. It was hers, her precious, one-of-a-kind baby, already, though not even an hour old, distinct and alone in her heart, oddly filling her up with love and peace, and even hope. For here was a new, pure, beautiful, innocent life, which she believed, in that early surge of maternal love, she could shield from every touch of corrupting sin with constant and tender care. And her mother had probably thought the same; and thousands of others think the same and pray to God to purify and cleanse their souls so they can be good guardians for their little children. Oh, how Ruth prayed, even while she was still too weak to speak; and how she felt the beauty and significance of the words, "Our Father!"
She was roused from this holy abstraction by the sound of Miss Benson's voice. It was very much as if she had been crying.
She was pulled out of her deep thought by the sound of Miss Benson's voice. It was as if she had been crying.
"Look, Ruth!" it said, softly, "my brother sends you these. They are the first snowdrops in the garden." And she put them on the pillow by Ruth; the baby lay on the opposite side.
"Look, Ruth!" it said gently, "my brother sent you these. They are the first snowdrops in the garden." And she set them on the pillow next to Ruth; the baby lay on the other side.
"Won't you look at him?" said Ruth; "he is so pretty!"
"Look at him!" Ruth said. "He's so cute!"
Miss Benson had a strange reluctance to see him. To Ruth, in spite of all that had come and gone, she was reconciled—nay, more, she was deeply attached; but over the baby there hung a cloud of shame and disgrace. Poor little creature! her heart was closed against it—firmly, as she thought. But she could not resist Ruth's low faint voice, nor her pleading eyes, and she went round to peep at him as he lay in his mother's arm, as yet his shield and guard.
Miss Benson felt a strange reluctance to see him. With Ruth, despite everything that had happened, she had made peace—actually, she was deeply attached; but with the baby, there was a shadow of shame and disgrace. Poor little thing! She thought her heart was firmly closed against him. But she couldn’t resist Ruth’s soft, faint voice or her pleading eyes, and she went to take a peek at him as he lay in his mother’s arms, still his protector and shield.
"Sally says he will have black hair, she thinks," said Ruth. "His little hand is quite a man's, already. Just feel how firmly he closes it;" and with her own weak fingers she opened his little red fist, and taking Miss Benson's reluctant hand, placed one of her fingers in his grasp. That baby-touch called out her love; the doors of her heart were thrown open wide for the little infant to go in and take possession.
"Sally says he’ll have black hair, she thinks," Ruth said. "His little hand is already quite manly. Just feel how firmly he closes it;" and with her own weak fingers, she opened his tiny red fist and, taking Miss Benson's hesitant hand, placed one of her fingers in his grip. That baby touch stirred her love; the doors of her heart swung wide open for the little infant to come in and take possession.
"Ah, my darling!" said Ruth, falling back weak and weary. "If God will but spare you to me, never mother did more than I will. I have done you a grievous wrong—but, if I may but live, I will spend my life in serving you!"
"Ah, my darling!" said Ruth, falling back weak and tired. "If God will just spare you for me, no mother has ever done more than I will. I have wronged you deeply—but if I can live, I will spend my life serving you!"
"And in serving God!" said Miss Benson, with tears in her eyes. "You must not make him into an idol, or God will, perhaps, punish you through him."
"And in serving God!" said Miss Benson, with tears in her eyes. "You must not turn him into an idol, or God might punish you for it."
A pang of affright shot through Ruth's heart at these words; had she already sinned and made her child into an idol, and was there punishment already in store for her through him? But then the internal voice whispered that God was "Our Father," and that He knew our frame, and knew how natural was the first outburst of a mother's love; so, although she treasured up the warning, she ceased to affright herself for what had already gushed forth.
A wave of fear shot through Ruth's heart at these words; had she already sinned and turned her child into an idol, and was punishment already waiting for her through him? But then the inner voice reminded her that God was "Our Father," and that He understood our nature, and recognized how natural a mother's first burst of love was; so, even though she took the warning to heart, she stopped frightening herself for what had already come out.
"Now go to sleep, Ruth," said Miss Benson, kissing her, and darkening the room. But Ruth could not sleep; if her heavy eyes closed, she opened them again with a start, for sleep seemed to be an enemy stealing from her the consciousness of being a mother. That one thought excluded all remembrance and all anticipation, in those first hours of delight.
"Now go to sleep, Ruth," said Miss Benson, kissing her and dimming the lights in the room. But Ruth couldn’t sleep; whenever her heavy eyes closed, she’d instantly open them again, startled, because sleep felt like an enemy taking away her awareness of being a mother. That single thought pushed aside all memories and expectations during those initial hours of joy.
But soon remembrance and anticipation came. There was the natural want of the person, who alone could take an interest similar in kind, though not in amount, to the mother's. And sadness grew like a giant in the still watches of the night, when she remembered that there would be no father to guide and strengthen the child, and place him in a favourable position for fighting the hard "Battle of Life." She hoped and believed that no one would know the sin of his parents, and that that struggle might be spared to him. But a father's powerful care and mighty guidance would never be his; and then, in those hours of spiritual purification, came the wonder and the doubt of how far the real father would be the one to whom, with her desire of heaven for her child, whatever might become of herself, she would wish to entrust him. Slight speeches, telling of a selfish, worldly nature, unnoticed at the time, came back upon her ear, having a new significance. They told of a low standard, of impatient self-indulgence, of no acknowledgment of things spiritual and heavenly. Even while this examination was forced upon her, by the new spirit of maternity that had entered into her, and made her child's welfare supreme, she hated and reproached herself for the necessity there seemed upon her of examining and judging the absent father of her child. And so the compelling presence that had taken possession of her wearied her into a kind of feverish slumber; in which she dreamt that the innocent babe that lay by her side in soft ruddy slumber had started up into man's growth, and, instead of the pure and noble being whom she had prayed to present as her child to "Our Father in heaven," he was a repetition of his father; and, like him, lured some maiden (who in her dream seemed strangely like herself, only more utterly sad and desolate even than she) into sin, and left her there to even a worse fate than that of suicide. For Ruth believed there was a worse. She dreamt she saw the girl, wandering, lost; and that she saw her son in high places, prosperous—but with more than blood on his soul. She saw her son dragged down by the clinging girl into some pit of horrors into which she dared not look, but from whence his father's voice was heard, crying aloud, that in his day and generation he had not remembered the words of God, and that now he was "tormented in this flame." Then she started in sick terror, and saw, by the dim rushlight, Sally, nodding in an arm-chair by the fire; and felt her little soft warm babe, nestled up against her breast, rocked by her heart, which yet beat hard from the effects of the evil dream. She dared not go to sleep again, but prayed. And every time she prayed, she asked with a more complete wisdom, and a more utter and self-forgetting faith. Little child! thy angel was with God, and drew her nearer and nearer to Him, whose face is continually beheld by the angels of little children.
But soon memories and hopes returned. She felt a natural longing for the person who could take an interest like, though not as much as, her mother's. Sadness grew like a giant in the stillness of the night, as she remembered there would be no father to guide and strengthen the child, to help him face the tough "Battle of Life." She hoped and believed nobody would know the wrongdoing of his parents, and that he could be spared that struggle. But a father's strong care and guidance would never be his; and in those moments of deep reflection, she wondered and doubted how far the real father would be the one to whom she would wish to entrust her child, with her hopes for heaven, regardless of her own fate. Casual remarks, hinting at a selfish, worldly nature, which she had overlooked at the time, now resonated with new meaning. They reflected a low standard, impatience, and a lack of recognition of spiritual and heavenly matters. Even while this self-examination was forced upon her by the newfound spirit of motherhood that made her child's well-being paramount, she resented and blamed herself for feeling the need to scrutinize and judge the absent father of her child. So, the overwhelming presence that consumed her exhausted her into a restless sleep; in which she dreamed that the innocent baby lying beside her in soft, ruddy slumber had grown into a man. Instead of the pure and noble being she had hoped to present as her child to "Our Father in heaven," he was a reflection of his father; and, like him, he led a maiden (who in her dream seemed oddly like herself, only more deeply sad and desolate) into sin, leaving her to a fate worse than suicide. For Ruth believed there was something worse. She dreamt she saw the girl wandering, lost; and she saw her son in high positions, successful—but with more than blood on his soul. She saw her son dragged down by the clinging girl into some pit of horrors she couldn't bear to look at, but from which his father's voice cried out, lamenting that in his time he had not remembered the words of God, and now he was "tormented in this flame." Then she jolted awake in sick terror and saw, by the dim light, Sally nodding in an armchair by the fire; and felt her small, warm babe nestled against her chest, rocked by her heart, which still pounded from the effects of the bad dream. She dared not sleep again, but prayed. And each time she prayed, she asked with greater wisdom and a deeper, selfless faith. Little child! your angel was with God, and drew her closer and closer to Him, whose face is continually seen by the angels of little children.
CHAPTER XVI
Sally Tells of Her Sweethearts,
and Discourses on the Duties of Life
Sally and Miss Benson took it in turns to sit up, or rather, they took it in turns to nod by the fire; for if Ruth was awake she lay very still in the moonlight calm of her sick bed. That time resembled a beautiful August evening, such as I have seen. The white, snowy rolling mist covers up under its great sheet all trees and meadows, and tokens of earth; but it cannot rise high enough to shut out the heavens, which on such nights seem bending very near, and to be the only real and present objects; and so near, so real and present, did heaven, and eternity, and God seem to Ruth, as she lay encircling her mysterious holy child.
Sally and Miss Benson took turns sitting up, or rather, they took turns nodding by the fire; because whenever Ruth was awake, she lay very still in the calm moonlight of her sickbed. That time felt like a beautiful August evening, just like I’ve seen before. The white, fluffy mist covers all the trees and meadows and signs of the earth beneath its great sheet; but it doesn’t rise high enough to block out the sky, which on nights like this feels so close, as if it’s the only real and present thing. And so close, so real and present, did heaven, eternity, and God feel to Ruth as she lay holding her mysterious holy child.
One night Sally found out she was not asleep.
One night, Sally realized she wasn't asleep.
"I'm a rare hand at talking folks to sleep," said she. "I'll try on thee, for thou must get strength by sleeping and eating. What must I talk to thee about, I wonder. Shall I tell thee a love story or a fairy story, such as I've telled Master Thurstan many a time and many a time, for all his father set his face again fairies, and called it vain talking; or shall I tell you the dinner I once cooked, when Mr Harding, as was Miss Faith's sweetheart, came unlooked for, and we'd nought in the house but a neck of mutton, out of which I made seven dishes, all with a different name?"
"I'm pretty good at talking people to sleep," she said. "I'll give it a shot with you, since you need to gain strength through sleep and food. I wonder what I should talk to you about. Should I tell you a love story or a fairy tale, like I've told Master Thurstan many times, even though his father was against fairies and called it silly talk? Or should I share the story of the dinner I once cooked when Mr. Harding, who was Miss Faith's boyfriend, showed up unexpectedly, and we had nothing in the house but a neck of mutton, from which I made seven dishes, each with a different name?"
"Who was Mr Harding?" asked Ruth.
"Who was Mr. Harding?" Ruth asked.
"Oh, he was a grand gentleman from Lunnon, as had seen Miss Faith, and been struck by her pretty looks when she was out on a visit, and came here to ask her to marry him. She said, 'No, she would never leave Master Thurstan, as could never marry;' but she pined a deal at after he went away. She kept up afore Master Thurstan, but I seed her fretting, though I never let on that I did, for I thought she'd soonest get over it and be thankful at after she'd the strength to do right. However, I've no business to be talking of Miss Benson's concerns. I'll tell you of my own sweethearts and welcome, or I'll tell you of the dinner, which was the grandest thing I ever did in my life, but I thought a Lunnoner should never think country folks knew nothing; and, my word! I puzzled him with his dinner. I'm doubting whether to this day he knows whether what he was eating was fish, flesh, or fowl. Shall I tell you how I managed?"
"Oh, he was a distinguished gentleman from London who had seen Miss Faith and was taken by her beauty when she visited. He came here to ask her to marry him. She said, 'No, she would never leave Master Thurstan, as she could never marry;' but she really missed him after he left. She kept her composure in front of Master Thurstan, but I saw her worrying, even though I didn't let on that I noticed, because I thought she would get over it and be grateful once she had the strength to do the right thing. Anyway, I shouldn't be talking about Miss Benson's matters. I can tell you about my own sweethearts or about the dinner, which was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I thought a Londoner shouldn’t assume country folks knew nothing; and, wow! I completely baffled him with his dinner. I’m not sure if, to this day, he knows whether what he was eating was fish, meat, or poultry. Should I tell you how I pulled it off?"
But Ruth said she would rather hear about Sally's sweethearts, much to the disappointment of the latter, who considered the dinner by far the greatest achievement.
But Ruth said she would rather hear about Sally's crushes, much to Sally's disappointment, as she thought the dinner was by far her greatest achievement.
"Well, you see, I don't know as I should call them sweethearts; for excepting John Rawson, who was shut up in the mad-house the next week, I never had what you may call a downright offer of marriage but once. But I had once; and so I may say I had a sweetheart. I was beginning to be afeard though, for one likes to be axed; that's but civility; and I remember, after I had turned forty, and afore Jeremiah Dixon had spoken, I began to think John Rawson had perhaps not been so very mad, and that I'd done ill to lightly his offer, as a madman's, if it was to be the only one I was ever to have; I don't mean as I'd have had him, but I thought, if it was to come o'er again, I'd speak respectful of him to folk, and say it were only his way to go about on all fours, but that he was a sensible man in most things. However, I'd had my laugh, and so had others, at my crazy lover, and it was late now to set him up as a Solomon. However, I thought it would be no bad thing to be tried again; but I little thought the trial would come when it did. You see, Saturday night is a leisure night in counting-houses and such-like places, while it's the busiest of all for servants. Well! it was a Saturday night, and I'd my baize apron on, and the tails of my bed-gown pinned together behind, down on my knees, pipeclaying the kitchen, when a knock comes to the back door. 'Come in!' says I; but it knocked again, as if it were too stately to open the door for itself; so I got up, rather cross, and opened the door; and there stood Jerry Dixon, Mr Holt's head clerk; only he was not head clerk then. So I stood, stopping up the door, fancying he wanted to speak to master; but he kind of pushed past me, and telling me summut about the weather (as if I could not see it for myself), he took a chair, and sat down by the oven. 'Cool and easy!' thought I; meaning hisself, not his place, which I knew must be pretty hot. Well! it seemed no use standing waiting for my gentleman to go; not that he had much to say either; but he kept twirling his hat round and round, and smoothing the nap on't with the back of his hand. So at last I squatted down to my work, and thinks I, I shall be on my knees all ready if he puts up a prayer, for I knew he was a Methodee by bringing-up, and had only lately turned to master's way of thinking; and them Methodees are terrible hands at unexpected prayers when one least looks for 'em. I can't say I like their way of taking one by surprise, as it were; but then I'm a parish clerk's daughter, and could never demean myself to dissenting fashions, always save and except Master Thurstan's, bless him. However, I'd been caught once or twice unawares, so this time I thought I'd be up to it, and I moved a dry duster wherever I went, to kneel upon in case he began when I were in a wet place. By-and-by I thought, if the man would pray it would be a blessing, for it would prevent his sending his eyes after me wherever I went; for when they takes to praying they shuts their eyes, and quivers th' lids in a queer kind o' way—them Dissenters does. I can speak pretty plain to you, for you're bred in the Church like mysel', and must find it as out o' the way as I do to be among dissenting folk. God forbid I should speak disrespectful of Master Thurstan and Miss Faith, though; I never think on them as Church or Dissenters, but just as Christians. But to come back to Jerry. First, I tried always to be cleaning at his back; but when he wheeled round, so as always to face me, I thought I'd try a different game. So, says I, 'Master Dixon, I ax your pardon, but I must pipeclay under your chair. Will you please to move?' Well, he moved; and by-and-by I was at him again with the same words; and at after that, again and again, till he were always moving about wi' his chair behind him, like a snail as carries its house on its back. And the great gaupus never seed that I were pipeclaying the same places twice over. At last I got desperate cross, he were so in my way; so I made two big crosses on the tails of his brown coat; for you see, whenever he went, up or down, he drew out the tails of his coat from under him, and stuck them through the bars of the chair; and flesh and blood could not resist pipeclaying them for him; and a pretty brushing he'd have, I reckon, to get it off again. Well! at length he clears his throat uncommon loud; so I spreads my duster, and shuts my eyes all ready; but when nought comed of it, I opened my eyes a little bit to see what he were about. My word! if there he wasn't down on his knees right facing me, staring as hard as he could. Well! I thought it would be hard work to stand that, if he made a long ado; so I shut my eyes again, and tried to think serious, as became what I fancied were coming; but, forgive me! but I thought why couldn't the fellow go in and pray wi' Master Thurstan, as had always a calm spirit ready for prayer, instead o' me, who had my dresser to scour, let alone an apron to iron. At last he says, says he, 'Sally! will you oblige me with your hand?' So I thought it were, maybe, Methodee fashion to pray hand in hand; and I'll not deny but I wished I'd washed it better after black-leading the kitchen fire. I thought I'd better tell him it were not so clean as I could wish, so says I, 'Master Dixon, you shall have it, and welcome, if I may just go and wash 'em first.' But, says he, 'My dear Sally, dirty or clean it's all the same to me, seeing I'm only speaking in a figuring way. What I'm asking on my bended knees is, that you'd please to be so kind as to be my wedded wife; week after next will suit me, if it's agreeable to you!' My word! I were up on my feet in an instant! It were odd now, weren't it? I never thought of taking the fellow, and getting married; for all, I'll not deny, I had been thinking it would be agreeable to be axed. But all at once, I couldn't abide the chap. 'Sir,' says I, trying to look shame-faced as became the occasion, but for all that, feeling a twittering round my mouth that I were afeard might end in a laugh—'Master Dixon, I'm obleeged to you for the compliment, and thank ye all the same, but I think I'd prefer a single life.' He looked mighty taken aback; but in a minute he cleared up, and was as sweet as ever. He still kept on his knees, and I wished he'd take himself up; but, I reckon, he thought it would give force to his words; says he, 'Think again, my dear Sally. I've a four-roomed house, and furniture conformable; and eighty pound a year. You may never have such a chance again.' There were truth enough in that, but it was not pretty in the man to say it; and it put me up a bit. 'As for that, neither you nor I can tell, Master Dixon. You're not the first chap as I've had down on his knees afore me, axing me to marry him (you see I were thinking of John Rawson, only I thought there were no need to say he were on all fours—it were truth he were on his knees, you know), and maybe you'll not be the last. Anyhow, I've no wish to change my condition just now.' 'I'll wait till Christmas,' says he. 'I've a pig as will be ready for killing then, so I must get married before that.' Well now! would you believe it? the pig were a temptation. I'd a receipt for curing hams, as Miss Faith would never let me try, saying the old way were good enough. However, I resisted. Says I, very stern, because I felt I'd been wavering, 'Master Dixon, once for all, pig or no pig, I'll not marry you. And if you'll take my advice, you'll get up off your knees. The flags is but damp yet, and it would be an awkward thing to have rheumatiz just before winter.' With that he got up, stiff enough. He looked as sulky a chap as ever I clapped eyes on. And as he were so black and cross, I thought I'd done well (whatever came of the pig) to say 'No' to him. 'You may live to repent this,' says he, very red. 'But I'll not be too hard upon ye, I'll give you another chance. I'll let you have the night to think about it, and I'll just call in to hear your second thoughts, after chapel to-morrow.' Well now! did ever you hear the like? But that is the way with all of them men, thinking so much of theirselves, and that it's but ask and have. They've never had me, though; and I shall be sixty-one next Martinmas, so there's not much time left for them to try me, I reckon. Well! when Jeremiah said that, he put me up more than ever, and I says, 'My first thoughts, second thoughts, and third thoughts is all one and the same; you've but tempted me once, and that was when you spoke of your pig. But of yoursel' you're nothing to boast on, and so I'll bid you good night, and I'll keep my manners, or else, if I told the truth, I should say it had been a great loss of time listening to you. But I'll be civil—so good night.' He never said a word, but went off as black as thunder, slamming the door after him. The master called me in to prayers, but I can't say I could put my mind to them, for my heart was beating so. However, it was a comfort to have had an offer of holy matrimony; and though it flustered me, it made me think more of myself. In the night, I began to wonder if I'd not been cruel and hard to him. You see, I were feverish-like; and the old song of Barbary Allen would keep running in my head, and I thought I were Barbary, and he were young Jemmy Gray, and that maybe he'd die for love of me; and I pictured him to mysel', lying on his death-bed, with his face turned to the wall, 'wi' deadly sorrow sighing,' and I could ha' pinched mysel' for having been so like cruel Barbary Allen. And when I got up next day, I found it hard to think on the real Jerry Dixon I had seen the night before, apart from the sad and sorrowful Jerry I thought on a-dying, when I were between sleeping and waking. And for many a day I turned sick, when I heard the passing bell, for I thought it were the bell loud-knelling which were to break my heart wi' a sense of what I'd missed in saying 'No' to Jerry, and so killing him with cruelty. But in less than a three week, I heard parish bells a-ringing merrily for a wedding; and in the course of a morning, some one says to me, 'Hark! how the bells is ringing for Jerry Dixon's wedding!' And, all on a sudden, he changed back again from a heart-broken young fellow, like Jemmy Gray, into a stout, middle-aged man, ruddy-complexioned, with a wart on his left cheek like life!"
"Well, you see, I don't know if I should call them sweethearts; except for John Rawson, who was locked up in the mental hospital the following week, I never received a real marriage proposal more than once. But I did have that once; so I can say I had a sweetheart. I was starting to get worried, though, because it's nice to be asked; that's just good manners. I remember, after I turned forty, before Jeremiah Dixon had spoken, I started to think John Rawson might not have been so crazy after all, and that it was wrong of me to dismiss his offer as that of a madman, especially if it was the only one I would ever have. I don’t mean to say I would’ve accepted him, but I thought that if it were to happen again, I’d speak kindly of him to others and say it was just his way of crawling around, but that he was sensible in most things. Anyway, I had my laugh, and so did others, at my crazy suitor, and it was too late now to hold him up as a wise man. Still, I thought it would be a good idea to be asked again; but I never imagined it would happen when it did. You see, Saturday night is a relaxed time for counting houses and similar places, while it's the busiest night for servants. Well! It was a Saturday night, and I was wearing my baize apron, the tails of my nightgown pinned together behind, down on my knees, scrubbing the kitchen, when a knock came at the back door. 'Come in!' I said; but it knocked again, as if it were too proud to open the door itself; so I got up, a bit annoyed, and opened the door; and there stood Jerry Dixon, Mr. Holt's head clerk; he just wasn’t the head clerk at that moment. So I stood there, blocking the door, thinking he wanted to speak to the master; but he sort of pushed past me, mentioning something about the weather (as if I couldn’t see it for myself), took a seat, and sat down by the oven. 'Cool and easy!' I thought; meaning him, not his place, which I knew must be quite hot. Well! It seemed pointless to stand around waiting for him to leave; not that he had much to say either; he just kept twirling his hat around and smoothing its nap with the back of his hand. Eventually, I squatted down to my work, thinking that I would be on my knees, ready if he decided to say a prayer, since I knew he was a Methodist by upbringing and had only recently started thinking like the master; and those Methodists are terrible at surprising you with unexpected prayers when you least expect them. I can't say I appreciate their way of catching you off guard, but then I’m the daughter of a parish clerk, and could never lower myself to dissenting ways, except for Master Thurstan's, bless him. Still, I had been caught off guard a few times, so this time I thought I’d be prepared, and I moved a dry cloth around with me wherever I went, ready to kneel on it in case he started praying while I was in a wet spot. After a while, I thought, if the man would pray, it would be a blessing, because it would keep his eyes from following me around wherever I went; you see, when they start praying, they shut their eyes and flutter their eyelids in a strange way—those Dissenters do. I can speak frankly to you because you were raised in the Church like me, and must find it just as strange to be among dissenting folks as I do. God forbid I should speak disrespectfully of Master Thurstan and Miss Faith, though; I never think of them as Church or Dissenters, but just as Christians. But back to Jerry. First, I tried to always be cleaning behind him; but when he turned around to face me, I thought I’d try a different approach. So, I said, 'Master Dixon, I apologize, but I have to clean under your chair. Would you please move?' Well, he moved; and after a while, I was at him again with the same words; and after that, again and again, until he was always moving around with his chair behind him, like a snail carrying its shell. And the big oaf never noticed I was cleaning the same spots twice. Eventually, I got really frustrated as he was in my way; so I made two big white spots on the tails of his brown coat; because you see, whenever he moved, whether up or down, he pulled out the tails of his coat from behind him and stuck them through the chair bars; and flesh and blood couldn’t resist cleaning them for him; and he’d have a tough time getting that off again. Well! Finally, he cleared his throat unusually loudly; so I spread out my cloth and shut my eyes, all ready; but when nothing happened, I cracked my eyes open a little to see what he was doing. My word! if he wasn’t down on his knees right in front of me, staring as hard as he could. Well! I thought it would be tough to handle that if he lingered, so I shut my eyes again and tried to think seriously, as suited whatever I thought was coming; but, forgive me! I thought, why couldn’t the guy just go pray with Master Thurstan, who always has a calm spirit ready for prayer, instead of bothering me, who had my dresser to scrub, let alone an apron to iron. Finally, he said, 'Sally! will you do me the favor of giving me your hand?' I thought it might be Methodist style to pray hand in hand; and I won’t deny I wished I’d washed it better after cleaning the kitchen fire. I thought I should let him know it wasn’t as clean as I would have liked, so I said, 'Master Dixon, you can have it, and welcome, if I can just go wash it first.' But he said, 'My dear Sally, dirty or clean, it’s all the same to me, since I’m only speaking metaphorically. What I’m asking on my bended knees is that you would be so kind as to be my wedded wife; the week after next would be perfect if that works for you!' My goodness! I was on my feet in an instant! It was odd, wasn’t it? I never considered actually marrying the guy; after all, I’ll admit, I had been thinking it would be nice to be asked. But suddenly, I couldn’t stand the thought of him. 'Sir,' I said, trying to look shy as the situation required, but still feeling my mouth twitching, afraid it might lead to a laugh—'Master Dixon, I appreciate the compliment, and thank you all the same, but I think I’d prefer a single life.' He looked quite taken aback; but in a minute, he composed himself and was as charming as ever. He stayed on his knees, and I wished he'd just get up; but I guess he thought it would add weight to his words; he said, 'Think again, my dear Sally. I have a four-room house with matching furniture, and eighty pounds a year. You might not get such a chance again.' There was some truth to that, but it wasn’t very nice of him to say it; and it irritated me a bit. 'As for that, neither you nor I can know, Master Dixon. You’re not the first man to have knelt before me asking to marry me (you see, I was thinking of John Rawson, but I thought there was no need to mention he was on all fours—it was true he was on his knees, you know), and maybe you won’t be the last. Anyway, I don’t want to change my circumstances right now.' 'I’ll wait until Christmas,' he said. 'I have a pig that will be ready to be slaughtered then, so I need to get married before that.' Well now! would you believe it? The pig was a temptation. I had a recipe for curing hams that Miss Faith would never let me try, saying the old method was good enough. However, I resisted. I said, very sternly, because I felt I was wavering, 'Master Dixon, once and for all, pig or no pig, I will not marry you. And if you’ll take my advice, you should get up off your knees. The floor is still kind of damp, and it would be awkward to catch rheumatism just before winter.' With that, he got up, quite stiff. He looked as grumpy as ever I had seen. And because he looked so dark and annoyed, I thought I had done well (whatever happened with the pig) to say 'No' to him. 'You may come to regret this,' he said, very red in the face. 'But I won’t be too hard on you; I’ll give you another chance. I’ll just drop by to hear your thoughts again after chapel tomorrow.' Well now! Have you ever heard anything like it? But that is how men are, thinking so much of themselves, and believing it's just ask and you shall receive. They’ve never had me, though; and I will be sixty-one next Martinmas, so there’s not much time left for them to try, I suppose. Well! When Jeremiah said that, it annoyed me even more, and I said, 'My first thoughts, second thoughts, and third thoughts are all the same; you’ve only tempted me once, and that was when you mentioned your pig. But as for you, you’re nothing to brag about, so I’ll say good night, and I’ll keep my manners, or else, if I spoke the truth, I’d say it's been a huge waste of time listening to you. But I’ll be polite—good night.' He didn’t say a word but left looking as dark as a thundercloud, slamming the door as he went. The master called me in for prayers, but I can’t say I could focus on them, as my heart was racing so. Still, it was comforting to have received a marriage proposal, and even though it flustered me, it made me think more of myself. In the night, I began to wonder if I had been cruel and harsh toward him. You see, I felt feverish; and the old song of Barbary Allen kept running through my head, and I thought I was Barbary, and he was young Jemmy Gray, and maybe he would die for love of me; and I pictured him, lying on his deathbed, with his face turned to the wall, 'with deadly sorrow sighing,' and I could have kicked myself for being so like cruel Barbary Allen. And when I got up the next day, I found it hard to think of the real Jerry Dixon I had seen the night before, apart from the sad and sorrowful Jerry I imagined dying while I was between sleeping and waking. And for many days, I felt sick when I heard the passing bell, thinking it was the bell tolling to break my heart with the realization of what I had missed by saying 'No' to Jerry and thus killing him with my cruelty. But in less than three weeks, I heard parish bells ringing merrily for a wedding; and one morning, someone told me, 'Listen! how the bells are ringing for Jerry Dixon's wedding!' And suddenly, he changed back from a heartbroken young man, like Jemmy Gray, into a stout, middle-aged man, with a healthy complexion, and a wart on his left cheek, just like life!"
Sally waited for some exclamation at the conclusion of her tale; but receiving none, she stepped softly to the bedside, and there lay Ruth, peaceful as death, with her baby on her breast.
Sally waited for some reaction at the end of her story; but getting none, she quietly moved to the bedside, and there lay Ruth, as peaceful as can be, with her baby on her chest.
"I thought I'd lost some of my gifts if I could not talk a body to sleep," said Sally, in a satisfied and self-complacent tone.
"I thought I’d lost some of my talents if I couldn’t talk someone to sleep," said Sally, in a pleased and self-satisfied tone.
Youth is strong and powerful, and makes a hard battle against sorrow. So Ruth strove and strengthened, and her baby flourished accordingly; and before the little celandines were out on the hedge-banks, or the white violets had sent forth their fragrance from the border under the south wall of Miss Benson's small garden, Ruth was able to carry her baby into that sheltered place on sunny days.
Youth is strong and resilient, and fights hard against sadness. So Ruth worked hard and grew stronger, and her baby thrived as well; and before the little celandines bloomed on the hedge-banks, or the white violets had released their sweet scent from the border under the south wall of Miss Benson's small garden, Ruth was able to take her baby to that sheltered spot on sunny days.
She often wished to thank Mr Benson and his sister, but she did not know how to tell the deep gratitude she felt, and therefore she was silent. But they understood her silence well. One day, as she watched her sleeping child, she spoke to Miss Benson, with whom she happened to be alone.
She often wished she could thank Mr. Benson and his sister, but she didn’t know how to express the deep gratitude she felt, so she stayed quiet. But they understood her silence perfectly. One day, while she was watching her sleeping child, she spoke to Miss Benson, who happened to be with her alone.
"Do you know of any cottage where the people are clean, and where they would not mind taking me in?" asked she.
"Do you know of any cottage where the people are neat and wouldn't mind letting me stay?" she asked.
"Taking you in! What do you mean?" said Miss Benson, dropping her knitting, in order to observe Ruth more closely.
"Taking you in! What do you mean?" Miss Benson said, putting down her knitting to look at Ruth more closely.
"I mean," said Ruth, "where I might lodge with my baby—any very poor place would do, only it must be clean, or he might be ill."
"I mean," said Ruth, "any place where I could stay with my baby would be fine—just a very cheap place, but it has to be clean, or he could get sick."
"And what in the world do you want to go and lodge in a cottage for?" said Miss Benson, indignantly.
"And what on earth do you want to go stay in a cottage for?" said Miss Benson, angrily.
Ruth did not lift up her eyes, but she spoke with a firmness which showed that she had considered the subject.
Ruth didn't look up, but she spoke with a confidence that showed she had thought it over.
"I think I could make dresses. I know I did not learn as much as I might, but perhaps I might do for servants, and people who are not particular."
"I think I could make dresses. I know I didn’t learn as much as I could have, but maybe I could manage for servants and people who aren’t picky."
"Servants are as particular as any one," said Miss Benson, glad to lay hold of the first objection that she could.
"Servants are just as picky as anyone else," said Miss Benson, happy to grab onto the first criticism she could find.
"Well! somebody who would be patient with me," said Ruth.
"Well! Someone who would be patient with me," said Ruth.
"Nobody is patient over an ill-fitting gown," put in Miss Benson. "There's the stuff spoilt, and what not!"
"Nobody is patient with a poorly fitting dress," Miss Benson added. "It ruins the material and everything else!"
"Perhaps I could find plain work to do," said Ruth, very meekly. "That I can do very well; mamma taught me, and I liked to learn from her. If you would be so good, Miss Benson, you might tell people I could do plain work very neatly, and punctually, and cheaply."
"Maybe I could find some simple work to do," said Ruth, very quietly. "I'm good at that; Mom taught me, and I enjoyed learning from her. If you wouldn’t mind, Miss Benson, you could let people know I can do simple work very neatly, on time, and for a good price."
"You'd get sixpence a day, perhaps," said Miss Benson, "and who would take care of baby, I should like to know? Prettily he'd be neglected, would not he? Why, he'd have the croup and the typhus fever in no time, and be burnt to ashes after."
"You’d get sixpence a day, maybe," said Miss Benson, "and who’s going to take care of the baby, I’d like to know? He’d be neglected, wouldn’t he? He’d catch croup and typhus fever in no time and end up burnt to ashes after."
"I have thought of all. Look how he sleeps! Hush, darling;" for just at this point he began to cry, and to show his determination to be awake, as if in contradiction to his mother's words. Ruth took him up, and carried him about the room while she went on speaking.
"I've thought of everything. Look how he's sleeping! Hush, sweetheart;" for just then he started to cry, showing he was determined to stay awake, almost as if to prove his mother wrong. Ruth picked him up and carried him around the room as she continued to talk.
"Yes, just now I know he will not sleep; but very often he will, and in the night he always does."
"Yeah, I can tell he won’t sleep right now; but most of the time he eventually does, and he always sleeps at night."
"And so you'd work in the night and kill yourself, and leave your poor baby an orphan. Ruth! I'm ashamed of you. Now, brother" (Mr Benson had just come in), "is not this too bad of Ruth; here she is planning to go away and leave us, just as we—as I, at least, have grown so fond of baby, and he's beginning to know me."
"And so you'd work at night and wear yourself out, leaving your poor baby an orphan. Ruth! I'm ashamed of you. Now, brother" (Mr. Benson had just walked in), "isn't this too much from Ruth? Here she is planning to leave us, just as we—as I, at least—have grown so fond of the baby, and he's starting to recognize me."
"Where were you thinking of going to, Ruth?" interrupted Mr Benson, with mild surprise.
"Where were you planning to go, Ruth?" interrupted Mr. Benson, a bit surprised.
"Anywhere to be near you and Miss Benson; in any poor cottage where I might lodge very cheaply, and earn my livelihood by taking in plain sewing, and perhaps a little dressmaking; and where I could come and see you and dear Miss Benson sometimes and bring baby."
"Anywhere to be close to you and Miss Benson; in any modest cottage where I could stay very affordably, make a living by doing basic sewing and maybe some dressmaking; and where I could come and visit you and dear Miss Benson sometimes and bring the baby."
"If he was not dead before then of some fever, or burn, or scald, poor neglected child; or you had not worked yourself to death with never sleeping," said Miss Benson.
"If he wasn't dead by then from some fever, burn, or scald, poor neglected child; or you hadn't worked yourself to death from never sleeping," said Miss Benson.
Mr Benson thought a minute or two, and then he spoke to Ruth.
Mr. Benson thought for a minute or two, and then he spoke to Ruth.
"Whatever you may do when this little fellow is a year old, and able to dispense with some of a mother's care, let me beg you, Ruth, as a favour to me—as a still greater favour to my sister, is it not, Faith?"
"Whatever you decide to do when this little guy turns a year old and can manage without some of a mother's care, please, Ruth, do me a favor—as an even bigger favor to my sister, right, Faith?"
"Yes; you may put it so if you like."
"Sure, you can say it that way if you want."
"To stay with us," continued he, "till then. When baby is twelve months old, we'll talk about it again, and very likely before then some opening may be shown us. Never fear leading an idle life, Ruth. We'll treat you as a daughter, and set you all the household tasks; and it is not for your sake that we ask you to stay, but for this little dumb helpless child's; and it is not for our sake that you must stay, but for his."
"Stay with us," he continued, "until then. When the baby turns one, we'll revisit this conversation, and probably before that, some opportunity might come up for us. Don’t worry about leading a boring life, Ruth. We’ll treat you like a daughter and give you all the household chores. It’s not just for your benefit that we want you to stay, but for this little silent, helpless child; and it’s not really for us that you should stay, but for his."
Ruth was sobbing.
Ruth was crying.
"I do not deserve your kindness," said she, in a broken voice; "I do not deserve it."
"I don't deserve your kindness," she said, her voice trembling; "I really don't."
Her tears fell fast and soft like summer rain, but no further word was spoken. Mr Benson quietly passed on to make the inquiry for which he had entered the room.
Her tears fell quickly and softly like summer rain, but no more words were said. Mr. Benson quietly moved on to ask the question that had brought him into the room.
But when there was nothing to decide upon, and no necessity for entering upon any new course of action, Ruth's mind relaxed from its strung-up state. She fell into trains of reverie, and mournful regretful recollections which rendered her languid and tearful. This was noticed both by Miss Benson and Sally, and as each had keen sympathies, and felt depressed when they saw any one near them depressed, and as each, without much reasoning on the cause or reason for such depression, felt irritated at the uncomfortable state into which they themselves were thrown, they both resolved to speak to Ruth on the next fitting occasion.
But when there was nothing to decide and no need to take any new action, Ruth's mind relaxed from its tense state. She drifted into daydreams and sad, regretful memories that made her feel weak and tearful. Both Miss Benson and Sally noticed this, and since they were both sensitive and felt down when they saw someone else feeling down, they became irritated by the uncomfortable mood that affected them too. They both decided to talk to Ruth the next time they had the chance.
Accordingly, one afternoon—the morning of that day had been spent by Ruth in housework, for she had insisted on Mr Benson's words, and had taken Miss Benson's share of the more active and fatiguing household duties, but she went through them heavily, and as if her heart was far away—in the afternoon when she was nursing her child, Sally, on coming into the back parlour, found her there alone, and easily detected the fact that she had been crying.
Accordingly, one afternoon—the morning of that day had been spent by Ruth doing housework, as she had taken Mr. Benson's words to heart and handled Miss Benson's share of the more demanding and tiring household tasks. However, she went through them sluggishly, as if her mind was elsewhere—in the afternoon, when she was nursing her child, Sally walked into the back parlor and found her there alone, quickly noticing that she had been crying.
"Where's Miss Benson?" said Sally, gruffly.
"Where's Miss Benson?" Sally asked, a bit gruffly.
"Gone out with Mr Benson," answered Ruth, with an absent sadness in her voice and manner. Her tears, scarce checked while she spoke, began to fall afresh; and as Sally stood and gazed she saw the babe look back in his mother's face, and his little lip begin to quiver, and his open blue eye to grow over-clouded, as with some mysterious sympathy with the sorrowful face bent over him. Sally took him briskly from his mother's arms; Ruth looked up in grave surprise, for in truth she had forgotten Sally's presence, and the suddenness of the motion startled her.
"Gone out with Mr. Benson," Ruth answered, her voice and demeanor reflecting a distant sadness. Her tears, barely held back while she spoke, began to fall again; and as Sally stood and watched, she noticed the baby looking back at his mother's face, his little lip starting to quiver, and his bright blue eyes becoming clouded, as if he sensed the sorrow in her expression. Sally quickly took him from his mother's arms; Ruth looked up in genuine surprise, having truly forgotten Sally was there, and the sudden movement startled her.
"My bonny boy! are they letting the salt tears drop on thy sweet face before thou'rt weaned! Little somebody knows how to be a mother—I could make a better myself. 'Dance, thumbkin, dance—dance, ye merry men every one.' Aye, that's it! smile, my pretty. Any one but a child like thee," continued she, turning to Ruth, "would have known better than to bring ill-luck on thy babby by letting tears fall on its face before it was weaned. But thou'rt not fit to have a babby, and so I've said many a time. I've a great mind to buy thee a doll, and take thy babby mysel'."
"My sweet boy! Are they letting the salty tears fall on your adorable face before you’ve even been weaned? Little does anyone know how to be a mother—I could do a better job myself. 'Dance, little thumbkin, dance—dance, you merry men, every one.' Yes, that’s it! Smile, my pretty. Anyone but a child like you," she said, turning to Ruth, "would have known better than to bring bad luck on your baby by letting tears drop on its face before it was weaned. But you’re not ready to have a baby, and I’ve said that many times. I’m seriously thinking about getting you a doll and taking your baby myself."
Sally did not look at Ruth, for she was too much engaged in amusing the baby with the tassel of the string to the window-blind, or else she would have seen the dignity which the mother's soul put into Ruth at that moment. Sally was quelled into silence by the gentle composure, the self-command over her passionate sorrow, which gave to Ruth an unconscious grandeur of demeanour as she came up to the old servant.
Sally didn't look at Ruth because she was too busy entertaining the baby with the tassel from the window blind; otherwise, she would have noticed the dignity that Ruth's maternal spirit radiated at that moment. Sally was silenced by the calmness and self-control over her deep sorrow, which gave Ruth an unintentional sense of grace as she approached the old servant.
"Give him back to me, please. I did not know it brought ill-luck, or if my heart broke I would not have let a tear drop on his face—I never will again. Thank you, Sally," as the servant relinquished him to her who came in the name of a mother. Sally watched Ruth's grave, sweet smile, as she followed up Sally's play with the tassel, and imitated, with all the docility inspired by love, every movement and sound which had amused her babe.
"Give him back to me, please. I didn’t know it brought bad luck, or if my heart had broken, I wouldn’t have let a tear fall onto his face—I never will again. Thank you, Sally," as the servant handed him over to her who came in the name of a mother. Sally observed Ruth's serious, gentle smile, as she picked up Sally's play with the tassel and mimicked, with all the gentleness inspired by love, every movement and sound that had entertained her baby.
"Thou'lt be a mother, after all," said Sally, with a kind of admiration of the control which Ruth was exercising over herself. "But why talk of thy heart breaking? I don't question thee about what's past and gone; but now thou'rt wanting for nothing, nor thy child either; the time to come is the Lord's, and in His hands; and yet thou goest about a-sighing and a-moaning in a way that I can't stand or thole."
"You’re going to be a mother after all," said Sally, admiring the way Ruth was keeping herself together. "But why talk about your heart breaking? I’m not asking about the past; right now you have everything you need, and so does your child. The future is in the Lord’s hands, yet you’re walking around sighing and moaning in a way that I just can’t handle."
"What do I do wrong?" said Ruth; "I try to do all I can."
"What am I doing wrong?" Ruth said. "I try to do my best."
"Yes, in a way," said Sally, puzzled to know how to describe her meaning. "Thou dost it—but there's a right and a wrong way of setting about everything—and to my thinking, the right way is to take a thing up heartily, if it is only making a bed. Why! dear ah me, making a bed may be done after a Christian fashion, I take it, or else what's to come of such as me in heaven, who've had little enough time on earth for clapping ourselves down on our knees for set prayers? When I was a girl, and wretched enough about Master Thurstan, and the crook on his back which came of the fall I gave him, I took to praying and sighing, and giving up the world; and I thought it were wicked to care for the flesh, so I made heavy puddings, and was careless about dinner and the rooms, and thought I was doing my duty, though I did call myself a miserable sinner. But one night, the old missus (Master Thurstan's mother) came in, and sat down by me, as I was a-scolding myself, without thinking of what I was saying; and, says she, 'Sally! what are you blaming yourself about, and groaning over? We hear you in the parlour every night, and it makes my heart ache.' 'Oh, ma'am,' says I, 'I'm a miserable sinner, and I'm travailing in the new birth.' 'Was that the reason,' says she, 'why the pudding was so heavy to-day?' 'Oh, ma'am, ma'am,' said I, 'if you would not think of the things of the flesh, but trouble yourself about your immortal soul.' And I sat a-shaking my head to think about her soul. 'But,' says she, in her sweet-dropping voice, 'I do try to think of my soul every hour of the day, if by that you mean trying to do the will of God, but we'll talk now about the pudding; Master Thurstan could not eat it, and I know you'll be sorry for that.' Well! I was sorry, but I didn't choose to say so, as she seemed to expect me; so says I, 'It's a pity to see children brought up to care for things of the flesh;' and then I could have bitten my tongue out, for the missus looked so grave, and I thought of my darling little lad pining for want of his food. At last, says she, 'Sally, do you think God has put us into the world just to be selfish, and do nothing but see after our own souls? or to help one another with heart and hand, as Christ did to all who wanted help?' I was silent, for, you see, she puzzled me. So she went on, 'What is that beautiful answer in your Church catechism, Sally?' I were pleased to hear a Dissenter, as I did not think would have done it, speak so knowledgeably about the catechism, and she went on: '"to do my duty in that station of life unto which it shall please God to call me;" well, your station is a servant, and it is as honourable as a king's, if you look at it right; you are to help and serve others in one way, just as a king is to help others in another. Now what way are you to help and serve, or to do your duty, in that station of life unto which it has pleased God to call you? Did it answer God's purpose, and serve Him, when the food was unfit for a child to eat, and unwholesome for any one?' Well! I would not give it up, I was so pig-headed about my soul; so says I, 'I wish folks would be content with locusts and wild honey, and leave other folks in peace to work out their salvation;' and I groaned out pretty loud to think of missus's soul. I often think since she smiled a bit at me; but she said, 'Well, Sally, to-morrow, you shall have time to work out your salvation; but as we have no locusts in England, and I don't think they'd agree with Master Thurstan if we had, I will come and make the pudding; but I shall try and do it well, not only for him to like it, but because everything may be done in a right way or a wrong; the right way is to do it as well as we can, as in God's sight; the wrong is to do it in a self-seeking spirit, which either leads us to neglect it to follow out some device of our own for our own ends, or to give up too much time and thought to it both before and after the doing.' Well! I thought of all old missus's words this morning, when I saw you making the beds. You sighed so, you could not half shake the pillows; your heart was not in your work; and yet it was the duty God had set you, I reckon; I know it's not the work parsons preach about; though I don't think they go so far off the mark when they read, 'whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, that do with all thy might.' Just try for a day to think of all the odd jobs as has to be done well and truly as in God's sight, not just slurred over anyhow, and you'll go through them twice as cheerfully, and have no thought to spare for sighing or crying."
"Yes, in a way," said Sally, unsure of how to express her thoughts. "You do it—but there’s a right and a wrong way to do everything—and I believe the right way is to approach it wholeheartedly, even if it’s just making a bed. Why! Goodness, making a bed can be done in a way that is respectful and proper; otherwise, what hope do people like me have in heaven, when we’ve had so little time on earth to kneel down and pray? When I was a girl, feeling miserable about Master Thurstan and the hunch in his back from the fall I caused him, I started praying and sighing and distancing myself from the world; I thought it was wrong to care for physical needs, so I made heavy puddings and neglected dinner and the housework, thinking I was fulfilling my duty while calling myself a miserable sinner. But one night, the old missus (Master Thurstan's mother) came in and sat down next to me as I was scolding myself without even realizing it; and she said, 'Sally! Why are you blaming yourself and groaning? We hear you in the parlor every night, and it makes my heart ache.' 'Oh, ma'am,' I said, 'I’m a miserable sinner, and I’m struggling with my new birth.' 'Is that why the pudding was so heavy today?' she asked. 'Oh, ma'am, ma'am,' I replied, 'if only you wouldn’t think about physical things but focus on your immortal soul.' And I shook my head thinking about her soul. 'But,' she said in her sweet voice, 'I do try to think about my soul every hour of the day, if by that you mean trying to fulfill God's will, but let’s talk about the pudding now; Master Thurstan couldn’t eat it, and I know you’ll regret that.' Well! I was sorry, but I didn’t want to admit it, as she seemed to expect me to; so I said, 'It’s a shame to see children raised to care for their physical needs.' Then I almost bit my tongue off, because the missus looked so serious, and I thought of my darling little boy distressed for want of food. Finally, she said, 'Sally, do you think God put us in this world just to be selfish and only look after our own souls? Or to help each other with heart and hand, just like Christ did for everyone who needed assistance?' I fell silent, as she confused me. Then she continued, 'What does that beautiful line in your Church catechism say, Sally?' I was pleased to hear a Dissenter speak so knowledgeably about the catechism, and she went on: '"to do my duty in that station of life unto which it shall please God to call me;" well, your station is a servant, and it’s just as honorable as being a king if you see it the right way; you’re meant to help and serve others one way, just as a king helps others in another. Now, how are you meant to help and serve, or fulfill your duty, in the station of life God has called you to? Did it fulfill God’s purpose, and serve Him, when the food was unfit for a child and unhealthy for anyone?' Well! I wouldn’t let it go, I was so stubborn about my soul; so I said, 'I wish people would be happy with locusts and wild honey, and let others be at peace as they work out their salvation;' and I groaned quite loudly at the thought of the missus's soul. I often think she smiled at me then; but she said, 'Well, Sally, tomorrow you’ll have time to work out your salvation; but since we have no locusts in England, and I don’t think they’d suit Master Thurstan if we did, I’ll come and make the pudding; but I’ll try to make it well, not just for him to like it, but because everything can be done either in a right way or a wrong way; the right way is to do it as well as we can, as if in God’s sight; the wrong way is to do it out of self-interest, which either leads us to neglect it while pursuing our own desires or to spend too much time and thought on it both before and after. Well! I thought of all the old missus's words this morning when I saw you making the beds. You sighed so much you couldn’t properly fluff the pillows; your heart wasn’t in your work; and yet it was the duty God had set for you, I suppose; I know it’s not the kind of work that preachers talk about; though I don’t think they’re too far off the mark when they say, 'whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.' Just try for a day to think of all the little tasks as things that need to be done well and properly in God’s sight, not just rushed through carelessly, and you’ll get through them twice as cheerfully, without having any thoughts left over for sighing or crying."
Sally bustled off to set on the kettle for tea, and felt half ashamed, in the quiet of the kitchen, to think of the oration she had made in the parlour. But she saw with much satisfaction, that henceforward Ruth nursed her boy with a vigour and cheerfulness that were reflected back from him; and the household work was no longer performed with a languid indifference, as if life and duty were distasteful. Miss Benson had her share in this improvement, though Sally placidly took all the credit to herself. One day as she and Ruth sat together, Miss Benson spoke of the child, and thence went on to talk about her own childhood. By degrees they spoke of education, and the book-learning that forms one part of it; and the result was that Ruth determined to get up early all through the bright summer mornings, to acquire the knowledge hereafter to be given to her child. Her mind was uncultivated, her reading scant; beyond the mere mechanical arts of education she knew nothing; but she had a refined taste, and excellent sense and judgment to separate the true from the false. With these qualities, she set to work under Mr Benson's directions. She read in the early morning the books that he marked out; she trained herself with strict perseverance to do all thoroughly; she did not attempt to acquire any foreign language, although her ambition was to learn Latin, in order to teach it to her boy. Those summer mornings were happy, for she was learning neither to look backwards nor forwards, but to live faithfully and earnestly in the present. She rose while the hedge-sparrow was yet singing his réveillé to his mate; she dressed and opened her window, shading the soft-blowing air and the sunny eastern light from her baby. If she grew tired, she went and looked at him, and all her thoughts were holy prayers for him. Then she would gaze awhile out of the high upper window on to the moorlands, that swelled in waves one behind the other, in the grey, cool morning light. These were her occasional relaxations, and after them she returned with strength to her work.
Sally hurried off to put the kettle on for tea and felt somewhat embarrassed, in the quiet of the kitchen, to think about the speech she had made in the parlor. But she took great satisfaction in seeing that from then on, Ruth cared for her child with a vigor and cheerfulness that reflected back from him; the household chores were no longer done with a lazy indifference, as if life and duty were unpleasant. Miss Benson played a part in this improvement, although Sally calmly took all the credit for herself. One day, as she and Ruth sat together, Miss Benson mentioned the child and then shifted to discussing her own childhood. Gradually, they talked about education and the book-learning that is just one part of it; as a result, Ruth decided she would get up early every bright summer morning to gain the knowledge she would later pass on to her child. Her mind was unrefined, her reading limited; aside from the basic skills of education, she knew very little; but she had a keen taste and good sense to distinguish the true from the false. With these qualities, she began to work under Mr. Benson's guidance. She read in the early morning the books he assigned; she trained herself with strict determination to do everything thoroughly; she didn’t try to learn any foreign language, even though she wanted to learn Latin to teach it to her son. Those summer mornings were joyful, as she focused on living fully and earnestly in the present rather than looking back or forward. She got up while the hedge-sparrow was still singing his morning song to his mate; she dressed and opened her window, shielding her baby from the gentle breeze and the sunny morning light. If she felt tired, she would look at him, and all her thoughts turned into heartfelt prayers for him. Then she would gaze for a while out of the high upper window at the moorlands, which rolled in waves one after another in the cool gray morning light. Those were her occasional breaks, and after them, she returned to her work with renewed strength.
CHAPTER XVII
Leonard's Christening
In that body of Dissenters to which Mr Benson belonged, it is not considered necessary to baptize infants as early as the ceremony can be performed; and many circumstances concurred to cause the solemn thanksgiving and dedication of the child (for so these Dissenters look upon christenings) to be deferred until it was probably somewhere about six months old. There had been many conversations in the little sitting-room between the brother and sister and their protegée, which had consisted more of questions betraying a thoughtful wondering kind of ignorance on the part of Ruth, and answers more suggestive than explanatory from Mr Benson; while Miss Benson kept up a kind of running commentary, always simple and often quaint, but with that intuition into the very heart of all things truly religious which is often the gift of those who seem, at first sight, to be only affectionate and sensible. When Mr Benson had explained his own views of what a christening ought to be considered, and, by calling out Ruth's latent feelings into pious earnestness, brought her into a right frame of mind, he felt that he had done what he could to make the ceremony more than a mere form, and to invest it, quiet, humble, and obscure as it must necessarily be in outward shape—mournful and anxious as much of its antecedents had rendered it—with the severe grandeur of an act done in faith and truth.
In the group of Dissenters that Mr. Benson was part of, it's not seen as necessary to baptize infants as soon as the ceremony can take place; and several factors combined to delay the formal thanksgiving and dedication of the child (which is how these Dissenters view christenings) until the child was probably around six months old. There had been many discussions in the small sitting room between the brother and sister and their protegée, which mostly involved questions from Ruth that revealed a thoughtful, wondering sort of ignorance, and answers from Mr. Benson that were more suggestive than clear-cut; meanwhile, Miss Benson provided a continuous commentary that was always simple and often charming, but with an understanding of the very essence of all things truly religious that is often found in those who, at first glance, appear merely affectionate and sensible. When Mr. Benson had shared his own views on what a christening should mean, and by drawing out Ruth's hidden emotions into genuine piety, he believed he had done his part to make the ceremony more than just a routine act, infusing it—in its quiet, humble, and understated form, and with the somber and anxious context of its background—with the profound dignity of an act performed in faith and truth.
It was not far to carry the little one, for, as I said, the chapel almost adjoined the minister's house. The whole procession was to have consisted of Mr and Miss Benson, Ruth carrying her baby, and Sally, who felt herself, as a Church-of-England woman, to be condescending and kind in requesting leave to attend a baptism among "them Dissenters;" but unless she had asked permission, she would not have been desired to attend, so careful was the habit of her master and mistress that she should be allowed that freedom which they claimed for themselves. But they were glad she wished to go; they liked the feeling that all were of one household, and that the interests of one were the interests of all. It produced a consequence, however, which they did not anticipate. Sally was full of the event which her presence was to sanction, and, as it were, to redeem from the character of being utterly schismatic; she spoke about it with an air of patronage to three or four, and among them to some of the servants at Mr Bradshaw's.
It wasn't far to carry the little one, since, as I mentioned, the chapel was almost next to the minister's house. The whole group was supposed to include Mr. and Miss Benson, Ruth holding her baby, and Sally, who felt that as a Church-of-England woman, she was being gracious and generous by asking to attend a baptism among those "Dissenters." However, if she hadn't asked for permission, she wouldn't have been invited, as her master and mistress were very careful to give her the same freedom they claimed for themselves. But they were happy she wanted to go; they liked the idea that everyone was part of the same household and that one person's interests were the interests of all. This did lead to an outcome they hadn't expected. Sally was excited about the event she was attending, believing it would lend some legitimacy to what might otherwise seem completely separate; she spoke about it with a sense of superiority to a few people, including some of the servants at Mr. Bradshaw's.
Miss Benson was rather surprised to receive a call from Jemima Bradshaw, on the very morning of the day on which little Leonard was to be baptized; Miss Bradshaw was rosy and breathless with eagerness. Although the second in the family, she had been at school when her younger sisters had been christened, and she was now come, in the full warmth of a girl's fancy, to ask if she might be present at the afternoon's service. She had been struck with Mrs Denbigh's grace and beauty at the very first sight, when she had accompanied her mother to call upon the Bensons on their return from Wales; and had kept up an enthusiastic interest in the widow only a little older than herself, whose very reserve and retirement but added to her unconscious power of enchantment.
Miss Benson was quite surprised to get a call from Jemima Bradshaw on the very morning little Leonard was set to be baptized. Jemima sounded excited and breathless. Being the second in her family, she had been at school when her younger sisters were baptized, and now she was reaching out, filled with youthful enthusiasm, to ask if she could attend the afternoon service. She had been captivated by Mrs. Denbigh's grace and beauty the first time she saw her when she accompanied her mother to visit the Bensons after their trip to Wales. Since then, she had maintained an enthusiastic interest in the widow, who was just a bit older than herself, and whose very reserve and shyness only added to her mysterious charm.
"Oh, Miss Benson! I never saw a christening; papa says I may go, if you think Mr Benson and Mrs Denbigh would not dislike it; and I will be quite quiet, and sit up behind the door, or anywhere; and that sweet little baby! I should so like to see him christened; is he to be called Leonard, did you say? After Mr Denbigh, is it?"
"Oh, Miss Benson! I’ve never seen a christening before. Dad says I can go if you think Mr. Benson and Mrs. Denbigh wouldn’t mind. I promise to be really quiet and sit behind the door or somewhere else. That adorable little baby! I’d love to see him get baptized. Is he going to be named Leonard, like you said? After Mr. Denbigh, right?"
"No—not exactly," said Miss Benson, rather discomfited.
"No—not really," said Miss Benson, a bit unsettled.
"Was not Mr Denbigh's name Leonard, then? Mamma thought it would be sure to be called after him, and so did I. But I may come to the christening, may I not, dear Miss Benson?"
"Wasn't Mr. Denbigh's name Leonard? Mom thought it would definitely be named after him, and so did I. But can I come to the christening, can’t I, dear Miss Benson?"
Miss Benson gave her consent with a little inward reluctance. Both her brother and Ruth shared in this feeling, although no one expressed it; and it was presently forgotten.
Miss Benson agreed, feeling a bit hesitant inside. Both her brother and Ruth felt the same way, though no one said anything; soon, it was forgotten.
Jemima stood grave and quiet in the old-fashioned vestry adjoining the chapel, as they entered with steps subdued to slowness. She thought Ruth looked so pale and awed because she was left a solitary parent; but Ruth came to the presence of God, as one who had gone astray, and doubted her own worthiness to be called His child; she came as a mother who had incurred a heavy responsibility, and who entreated His almighty aid to enable her to discharge it; full of passionate, yearning love which craved for more faith in God, to still her distrust and fear of the future that might hang over her darling. When she thought of her boy, she sickened and trembled; but when she heard of God's loving-kindness, far beyond all tender mother's love, she was hushed into peace and prayer. There she stood, her fair pale cheek resting on her baby's head, as he slumbered on her bosom; her eyes went slanting down under their half-closed white lids; but their gaze was not on the primitive cottage-like room, it was earnestly fixed on a dim mist, through which she fain would have seen the life that lay before her child; but the mist was still and dense, too thick a veil for anxious human love to penetrate. The future was hid with God.
Jemima stood serious and quiet in the old-fashioned vestry next to the chapel as they entered with slow, careful steps. She thought Ruth looked so pale and awed because she was now a single parent; but Ruth approached the presence of God like someone who had lost their way, doubting her own worthiness to be called His child. She came as a mother faced with a heavy responsibility, pleading for His powerful help to manage it. She was filled with passionate, yearning love that sought more faith in God to calm her doubts and fears about the future that could affect her child. When she thought of her boy, she felt sick and trembled; but when she heard of God's loving-kindness, which far surpassed any tender mother's love, she found peace and turned to prayer. There she stood, her fair, pale cheek resting on her baby's head as he slept against her chest; her eyes were slightly closed, but they were not fixed on the simple, cottage-like room. Instead, they were earnestly focused on a dim mist, hoping to glimpse the life that lay ahead for her child; but the mist was still and thick, too opaque for anxious human love to penetrate. The future was hidden with God.
Mr Benson stood right under the casement window that was placed high up in the room; he was almost in shade, except for one or two marked lights which fell on hair already silvery white; his voice was always low and musical when he spoke to few; it was too weak to speak so as to be heard by many without becoming harsh and strange; but now it filled the little room with a loving sound, like the stock-dove's brooding murmur over her young. He and Ruth forgot all in their earnestness of thought; and when he said "Let us pray," and the little congregation knelt down, you might have heard the baby's faint breathing, scarcely sighing out upon the stillness, so absorbed were all in the solemnity. But the prayer was long; thought followed thought, and fear crowded upon fear, and all were to be laid bare before God, and His aid and counsel asked. Before the end Sally had shuffled quietly out of the vestry into the green chapel-yard, upon which the door opened. Miss Benson was alive to this movement, and so full of curiosity as to what it might mean that she could no longer attend to her brother, and felt inclined to rush off and question Sally the moment all was ended. Miss Bradshaw hung about the babe and Ruth, and begged to be allowed to carry the child home, but Ruth pressed him to her, as if there was no safe harbour for him but in his mother's breast. Mr Benson saw her feeling, and caught Miss Bradshaw's look of disappointment.
Mr. Benson stood right under the casement window high up in the room; he was almost in shadow, except for a couple of bright spots on his hair, which was already turning silvery white. His voice was always low and musical when he spoke to just a few people; it was too soft to be heard by many without sounding harsh and strange. But now it filled the small room with a warm sound, like a dove's tender cooing over her chicks. He and Ruth lost themselves in their deep thoughts; and when he said, "Let us pray," and the little congregation knelt down, you could have heard the baby's faint breathing, barely breaking the silence, so focused was everyone on the solemn moment. But the prayer went on for a long time; ideas flowed into more ideas, and fears piled on top of fears, all to be laid bare before God to seek His help and guidance. By the end, Sally had quietly slipped out of the vestry into the green chapel yard, which the door opened onto. Miss Benson noticed this movement and was so curious about what it might mean that she could no longer focus on her brother and felt eager to rush off and ask Sally the moment it was over. Miss Bradshaw lingered around the baby and Ruth, asking to be allowed to carry the child home, but Ruth held him close, as if there was no safe place for him except in his mother’s arms. Mr. Benson noticed her feelings and caught sight of Miss Bradshaw's look of disappointment.
"Come home with us," said he, "and stay to tea. You have never drank tea with us since you went to school."
"Come home with us," he said, "and stay for tea. You haven't had tea with us since you went to school."
"I wish I might," said Miss Bradshaw, colouring with pleasure. "But I must ask papa. May I run home and ask?"
"I wish I could," said Miss Bradshaw, blushing with happiness. "But I need to ask my dad. Can I run home and check?"
"To be sure, my dear!"
"Absolutely, my dear!"
Jemima flew off; and fortunately her father was at home; for her mother's permission would have been deemed insufficient. She received many directions about her behaviour.
Jemima took off, and luckily her dad was home, because her mom's permission wouldn’t have been enough. She got a lot of instructions about how to act.
"Take no sugar in your tea, Jemima. I am sure the Bensons ought not to be able to afford sugar, with their means. And do not eat much; you can have plenty at home on your return; remember Mrs Denbigh's keep must cost them a great deal."
"Don't take any sugar in your tea, Jemima. I'm sure the Bensons can't afford sugar with what they have. And don't eat too much; you can have plenty when you get home. Remember, Mrs. Denbigh's expenses must be quite high."
So Jemima returned considerably sobered, and very much afraid of her hunger leading her to forget Mr Benson's poverty. Meanwhile Miss Benson and Sally, acquainted with Mr Benson's invitation to Jemima, set about making some capital tea-cakes on which they piqued themselves. They both enjoyed the offices of hospitality; and were glad to place some home-made tempting dainty before their guests.
So Jemima came back feeling much more serious and really worried that her hunger would make her forget about Mr. Benson's financial struggles. In the meantime, Miss Benson and Sally, knowing about Mr. Benson's invitation to Jemima, got busy making some great tea cakes that they were quite proud of. They both liked playing the role of hosts and were happy to put some homemade tasty treats in front of their guests.
"What made ye leave the chapel-vestry before my brother had ended?" inquired Miss Benson.
"What made you leave the chapel vestry before my brother finished?" asked Miss Benson.
"Indeed, ma'am, I thought master had prayed so long he'd be drouthy. So I just slipped out to put on the kettle for tea."
"Sure, ma'am, I thought he’d been praying for so long that he’d be thirsty. So I just stepped out to put the kettle on for tea."
Miss Benson was on the point of reprimanding her for thinking of anything besides the object of the prayer, when she remembered how she herself had been unable to attend after Sally's departure for wondering what had become of her; so she was silent.
Miss Benson was about to scold her for thinking about anything other than the purpose of the prayer when she remembered that she herself had been unable to focus after Sally left because she was wondering what had happened to her; so she kept quiet.
It was a disappointment to Miss Benson's kind and hospitable expectation when Jemima, as hungry as a hound, confined herself to one piece of the cake which her hostess had had such pleasure in making. And Jemima wished she had not a prophetic feeling all tea-time of the manner in which her father would inquire into the particulars of the meal, elevating his eyebrows at every viand named beyond plain bread-and-butter, and winding up with some such sentence as this: "Well, I marvel how, with Benson's salary, he can afford to keep such a table." Sally could have told of self-denial when no one was by, when the left hand did not know what the right hand did, on the part of both her master and mistress, practised without thinking even to themselves that it was either a sacrifice or a virtue, in order to enable them to help those who were in need, or even to gratify Miss Benson's kind, old-fashioned feelings on such occasions as the present, when a stranger came to the house. Her homely, affectionate pleasure in making others comfortable, might have shown that such little occasional extravagances were not waste, but a good work; and were not to be gauged by the standard of money-spending. This evening her spirits were damped by Jemima's refusal to eat. Poor Jemima! the cakes were so good, and she was so hungry; but still she refused.
It was a letdown for Miss Benson's kind and welcoming hopes when Jemima, as hungry as a dog, stuck to just one piece of the cake that her hostess had enjoyed making. Jemima couldn’t shake the nagging feeling throughout tea about how her father would question the details of the meal, raising his eyebrows at every dish mentioned beyond plain bread and butter, and concluding with something like, "I wonder how, on Benson's salary, he can afford to have such a spread." Sally could have shared stories of the self-denial practiced by both her master and mistress, done without even realizing it was either a sacrifice or a virtue, so they could help those in need or even please Miss Benson's kind, old-fashioned feelings during occasions like this when a guest was in the house. Her simple, heartfelt joy in making others comfortable could have shown that such little occasional splurges weren’t a waste, but a good deed; they shouldn’t be measured by how much money was spent. That evening, her mood was brought down by Jemima's refusal to eat. Poor Jemima! The cakes were so tasty, and she was so hungry; but still, she turned them down.
While Sally was clearing away the tea-things, Miss Benson and Jemima accompanied Ruth upstairs, when she went to put little Leonard to bed.
While Sally was putting away the tea things, Miss Benson and Jemima joined Ruth as she went upstairs to put little Leonard to bed.
"A christening is a very solemn service," said Miss Bradshaw; "I had no idea it was so solemn. Mr Benson seemed to speak as if he had a weight of care on his heart that God alone could relieve or lighten."
"A christening is a really serious event," said Miss Bradshaw; "I had no idea it was so serious. Mr. Benson seemed to speak as if he had a huge burden on his heart that only God could ease or lift."
"My brother feels these things very much," said Miss Benson, rather wishing to cut short the conversation, for she had been aware of several parts in the prayer which she knew were suggested by the peculiarity and sadness of the case before him.
"My brother feels these things deeply," said Miss Benson, wanting to end the conversation, as she had noticed several parts of the prayer that were inspired by the uniqueness and sadness of the situation before him.
"I could not quite follow him all through," continued Jemima; "what did he mean by saying, 'This child, rebuked by the world and bidden to stand apart, Thou wilt not rebuke, but wilt suffer it to come to Thee and be blessed with Thine almighty blessing'? Why is this little darling to be rebuked? I do not think I remember the exact words, but he said something like that."
"I couldn't quite keep up with him the whole time," Jemima continued. "What did he mean when he said, 'This child, rejected by the world and told to stay away, You won't reject, but will let it come to You and receive Your all-powerful blessing'? Why is this little sweetheart being pushed away? I don't remember the exact words, but he said something like that."
"My dear! your gown is dripping wet! it must have dipped into the tub; let me wring it out."
"My dear! Your dress is soaking wet! It must have gotten into the tub; let me wring it out."
"Oh, thank you! Never mind my gown!" said Jemima, hastily, and wanting to return to her question; but just then she caught the sight of tears falling fast down the cheeks of the silent Ruth as she bent over her child, crowing and splashing away in his tub. With a sudden consciousness that unwittingly she had touched on some painful chord, Jemima rushed into another subject, and was eagerly seconded by Miss Benson. The circumstance seemed to die away, and leave no trace; but in after-years it rose, vivid and significant, before Jemima's memory. At present it was enough for her, if Mrs Denbigh would let her serve her in every possible way. Her admiration for beauty was keen, and little indulged at home; and Ruth was very beautiful in her quiet mournfulness; her mean and homely dress left herself only the more open to admiration, for she gave it a charm by her unconscious wearing of it that made it seem like the drapery of an old Greek statue—subordinate to the figure it covered, yet imbued by it with an unspeakable grace. Then the pretended circumstances of her life were such as to catch the imagination of a young romantic girl. Altogether, Jemima could have kissed her hand and professed herself Ruth's slave. She moved away all the articles used at this little coucher; she folded up Leonard's day-clothes; she felt only too much honoured when Ruth trusted him to her for a few minutes—only too amply rewarded when Ruth thanked her with a grave, sweet smile, and a grateful look of her loving eyes.
"Oh, thank you! Don't worry about my dress!" said Jemima quickly, wanting to get back to her question. But just then, she noticed tears streaming down Ruth's cheeks as she leaned over her child, who was happily splashing in his tub. Realizing she had unintentionally touched on something painful, Jemima quickly changed the topic, and Miss Benson eagerly joined in. The moment seemed to fade away without a trace, but in later years, it would return to Jemima's memory, vivid and significant. For now, she was just happy if Mrs. Denbigh let her help in any way she could. Her appreciation for beauty was strong and rarely satisfied at home, and Ruth was stunning in her quiet sadness. Her simple and plain dress only heightened the admiration she inspired, as she wore it with an unconscious charm that made it resemble the drapery of an ancient Greek statue—subordinate to the form it covered, yet infused with an indescribable grace. The imagined circumstances of her life would also capture the fantasy of a young romantic girl. Overall, Jemima felt like she could kiss her hand and claim to be Ruth's devoted admirer. She cleared away all the items used for this little coucher; she folded up Leonard's daytime clothes; and she felt incredibly honored when Ruth entrusted him to her for a few minutes—only feeling deeply rewarded when Ruth thanked her with a serious, sweet smile and a grateful look in her loving eyes.
When Jemima had gone away with the servant who was sent to fetch her, there was a little chorus of praise.
When Jemima left with the servant who came to get her, there was a small chorus of compliments.
"She's a warm-hearted girl," said Miss Benson. "She remembers all the old days before she went to school. She is worth two of Mr Richard. They're each of them just the same as they were when they were children, when they broke that window in the chapel, and he ran away home, and she came knocking at our door, with a single knock, just like a beggar's, and I went to see who it was, and was quite startled to see her round, brown, honest face looking up at me, half-frightened, and telling me what she had done, and offering me the money in her savings bank to pay for it. We never should have heard of Master Richard's share in the business if it had not been for Sally."
"She's a really kind girl," said Miss Benson. "She remembers all the old days before she started school. She's worth twice what Mr. Richard is. They’re both just the same as they were when they were kids, back when they broke that window in the chapel. He ran home, and she came knocking at our door with a single knock, just like a beggar's. I went to see who it was and was totally surprised to see her round, brown, honest face looking up at me, half-frightened, telling me what she had done and offering me the money from her savings to pay for it. We never would have heard about Master Richard's part in it if it hadn't been for Sally."
"But remember," said Mr Benson, "how strict Mr Bradshaw has always been with his children. It is no wonder if poor Richard was a coward in those days."
"But remember," Mr. Benson said, "how strict Mr. Bradshaw has always been with his kids. It's no surprise that poor Richard was a coward back then."
"He is now, or I'm much mistaken," answered Miss Benson. "And Mr Bradshaw was just as strict with Jemima, and she's no coward. But I've no faith in Richard. He has a look about him that I don't like. And when Mr Bradshaw was away on business in Holland last year, for those months my young gentleman did not come half as regularly to chapel, and I always believe that story of his being seen out with the hounds at Smithiles."
"He is now, or so I believe," replied Miss Benson. "And Mr. Bradshaw was just as strict with Jemima, and she’s no coward. But I have no trust in Richard. He has an expression that I find unsettling. And when Mr. Bradshaw was away on business in Holland last year, during those months my young man didn't come to chapel nearly as often, and I still believe that story about him being seen out with the hounds at Smithiles."
"Those are neither of them great offences in a young man of twenty," said Mr Benson, smiling.
"Neither of those are major offenses for a twenty-year-old," Mr. Benson said with a smile.
"No! I don't mind them in themselves; but when he could change back so easily to being regular and mim when his father came home, I don't like that."
"No! I don't have a problem with them, but when he can switch back to being normal and acting like a kid as soon as his dad comes home, I don’t like that."
"Leonard shall never be afraid of me," said Ruth, following her own train of thought. "I will be his friend from the very first; and I will try and learn how to be a wise friend, and you will teach me, won't you, sir?"
"Leonard should never be afraid of me," Ruth said, continuing her thoughts. "I’ll be his friend right from the start, and I’ll try to learn how to be a good friend. You’ll teach me, won’t you, sir?"
"What made you wish to call him Leonard, Ruth?" asked Miss Benson.
"What made you want to call him Leonard, Ruth?" asked Miss Benson.
"It was my mother's father's name; and she used to tell me about him and his goodness, and I thought if Leonard could be like him—"
"It was my grandfather's name; and she used to tell me about him and his kindness, and I thought if Leonard could be like him—"
"Do you remember the discussion there was about Miss Bradshaw's name, Thurstan? Her father wanting her to be called Hepzibah, but insisting that she was to have a Scripture name at any rate; and Mrs Bradshaw wanting her to be Juliana, after some novel she had read not long before; and at last Jemima was fixed upon, because it would do either for a Scripture name or a name for a heroine out of a book."
"Do you remember the conversation about Miss Bradshaw's name, Thurstan? Her father wanted her to be called Hepzibah but insisted she needed to have a Bible name at the very least; and Mrs. Bradshaw wanted her to be Juliana, after some novel she had read not long ago; and in the end, they settled on Jemima because it could work as both a Bible name and a name for a heroine from a book."
"I did not know Jemima was a Scripture name," said Ruth.
"I didn't know Jemima was a name from the Bible," Ruth said.
"Oh yes, it is. One of Job's daughters; Jemima, Kezia, and Keren-Happuch. There are a good many Jemimas in the world, and some Kezias, but I never heard of a Keren-Happuch; and yet we know just as much of one as of another. People really like a pretty name, whether in Scripture or out of it."
"Oh yes, it is. One of Job's daughters; Jemima, Kezia, and Keren-Happuch. There are quite a few Jemimas in the world, and some Kezias, but I've never heard of a Keren-Happuch; yet we know just as much about one as the other. People really appreciate a nice name, whether it's from the Bible or not."
"When there is no particular association with the name," said Mr Benson.
"When there’s no specific connection to the name," said Mr. Benson.
"Now, I was called Faith after the cardinal virtue; and I like my name, though many people would think it too Puritan; that was according to our gentle mother's pious desire. And Thurstan was called by his name because my father wished it; for, although he was what people called a radical and a democrat in his ways of talking and thinking, he was very proud in his heart of being descended from some old Sir Thurstan, who figured away in the French wars."
"Now, I was named Faith after the cardinal virtue, and I like my name, even though many people might find it too Puritan; that was our gentle mother's pious wish. Thurstan got his name because my father wanted it; even though he was known as a radical and a democrat in his opinions and words, he was secretly proud of being descended from some old Sir Thurstan, who played a role in the French wars."
"The difference between theory and practice, thinking and being," put in Mr Benson, who was in a mood for allowing himself a little social enjoyment. He leant back in his chair, with his eyes looking at, but not seeing the ceiling. Miss Benson was clicking away with her eternal knitting-needles, looking at her brother, and seeing him, too. Ruth was arranging her child's clothes against the morrow. It was but their usual way of spending an evening; the variety was given by the different tone which the conversation assumed on the different nights. Yet, somehow, the peacefulness of the time, the window open into the little garden, the scents that came stealing in, and the clear summer heaven above, made the time be remembered as a happy festival by Ruth. Even Sally seemed more placid than usual when she came in to prayers; and she and Miss Benson followed Ruth to her bedroom, to look at the beautiful sleeping Leonard.
"The difference between theory and practice, thinking and being," said Mr. Benson, who was in the mood to indulge in a bit of social enjoyment. He leaned back in his chair, eyes focused on the ceiling but not really seeing it. Miss Benson was busy clicking away with her ever-present knitting needles, glancing at her brother and actually noticing him. Ruth was organizing her child's clothes for the next day. This was just their typical way of spending an evening; the only variation was the different tone the conversations took on different nights. Still, the peaceful atmosphere, the open window leading into the small garden, the scents wafting in, and the clear summer sky made Ruth remember this time as a joyful celebration. Even Sally seemed calmer than usual when she came in for prayers; she and Miss Benson followed Ruth to her bedroom to admire the beautiful sleeping Leonard.
"God bless him!" said Miss Benson, stooping down to kiss his little dimpled hand, which lay outside the coverlet, tossed abroad in the heat of the evening.
"God bless him!" said Miss Benson, bending down to kiss his little dimpled hand, which was resting outside the blanket, thrown back in the heat of the evening.
"Now, don't get up too early, Ruth! Injuring your health will be short-sighted wisdom and poor economy. Good night!"
"Now, don't wake up too early, Ruth! Hurting your health would be a short-sighted choice and a waste of resources. Good night!"
"Good night, dear Miss Benson. Good night, Sally." When Ruth had shut her door, she went again to the bed, and looked at her boy till her eyes filled with tears.
"Good night, dear Miss Benson. Good night, Sally." After Ruth closed her door, she went back to the bed and looked at her boy until her eyes were filled with tears.
"God bless thee, darling! I only ask to be one of His instruments, and not thrown aside as useless—or worse than useless."
"God bless you, sweetheart! I just want to be one of His instruments and not discarded as useless—or worse than useless."
So ended the day of Leonard's christening.
So ended the day of Leonard's baptism.
Mr Benson had sometimes taught the children of different people as an especial favour, when requested by them. But then his pupils were only children, and by their progress he was little prepared for Ruth's. She had had early teaching, of that kind which need never be unlearnt, from her mother; enough to unfold many of her powers; they had remained inactive now for several years, but had grown strong in the dark and quiet time. Her tutor was surprised at the bounds by which she surmounted obstacles, the quick perception and ready adaptation of truths and first principles, and her immediate sense of the fitness of things. Her delight in what was strong and beautiful called out her master's sympathy; but, most of all, he admired the complete unconsciousness of uncommon power, or unusual progress. It was less of a wonder than he considered it to be, it is true, for she never thought of comparing what she was now with her former self, much less with another. Indeed, she did not think of herself at all, but of her boy, and what she must learn in order to teach him to be and to do as suited her hope and her prayer. If any one's devotion could have flattered her into self-consciousness, it was Jemima's. Mr Bradshaw never dreamed that his daughter could feel herself inferior to the minister's protegée, but so it was; and no knight-errant of old could consider himself more honoured by his ladye's commands than did Jemima, if Ruth allowed her to do anything for her or for her boy. Ruth loved her heartily, even while she was rather annoyed at the open expressions Jemima used of admiration.
Mr. Benson occasionally taught the children of various people as a special favor when they asked him to. But his students were typically just kids, and their progress didn't prepare him at all for Ruth's. She had received early education, the kind that never really goes away, from her mother; it was enough to develop many of her abilities. Those abilities had remained dormant for several years, but they had grown stronger during that quiet time. Her tutor was amazed at how she overcame challenges, her quick understanding and ability to adapt to new ideas, and her immediate sense of what was appropriate. Her enthusiasm for things that were strong and beautiful resonated with her teacher, but what impressed him the most was her complete unawareness of her extraordinary talent and rapid progress. It was less surprising than he thought, because she never compared her current self to her previous self, let alone to anyone else. In fact, she hardly thought about herself at all; her focus was on her son and what she needed to learn in order to help him become and do what matched her hopes and prayers. If anyone's dedication could have boosted her self-awareness, it would have been Jemima's. Mr. Bradshaw never imagined that his daughter could feel inferior to the minister's protegée, but that was exactly the case; and no medieval knight could feel more honored by his lady's requests than Jemima felt when Ruth allowed her to do anything for her or her son. Ruth genuinely cared for Jemima, even though she was a bit annoyed by the open praise Jemima expressed.
"Please, I really would rather not be told if people do think me pretty."
"Please, I'd really rather not be told if people think I'm pretty."
"But it was not merely beautiful; it was sweet-looking and good, Mrs Postlethwaite called you," replied Jemima.
"But it wasn't just beautiful; it looked sweet and nice, Mrs. Postlethwaite called you," replied Jemima.
"All the more I would rather not hear it. I may be pretty, but I know I am not good. Besides, I don't think we ought to hear what is said of us behind our backs."
"Even more so, I’d prefer not to hear it. I might be attractive, but I know I’m not a good person. Plus, I don’t think we should listen to what people say about us when we’re not around."
Ruth spoke so gravely, that Jemima feared lest she was displeased.
Ruth spoke so seriously that Jemima worried she was upset.
"Dear Mrs Denbigh, I never will admire or praise you again. Only let me love you."
"Dear Mrs. Denbigh, I will never admire or praise you again. Just let me love you."
"And let me love you!" said Ruth, with a tender kiss.
"And let me love you!" said Ruth, giving a tender kiss.
Jemima would not have been allowed to come so frequently if Mr Bradshaw had not been possessed with the idea of patronising Ruth. If the latter had chosen, she might have gone dressed from head to foot in the presents which he wished to make her, but she refused them constantly; occasionally to Miss Benson's great annoyance. But if he could not load her with gifts, he could show his approbation by asking her to his house; and after some deliberation, she consented to accompany Mr and Miss Benson there. The house was square and massy-looking, with a great deal of drab-colour about the furniture. Mrs Bradshaw, in her lackadaisical, sweet-tempered way, seconded her husband in his desire of being kind to Ruth; and as she cherished privately a great taste for what was beautiful or interesting, as opposed to her husband's love of the purely useful, this taste of hers had rarely had so healthy and true a mode of gratification as when she watched Ruth's movements about the room, which seemed in its unobtrusiveness and poverty of colour to receive the requisite ornament of light and splendour from Ruth's presence. Mrs Bradshaw sighed, and wished she had a daughter as lovely, about whom to weave a romance; for castle-building, after the manner of the Minerva press, was the outlet by which she escaped from the pressure of her prosaic life, as Mr Bradshaw's wife. Her perception was only of external beauty, and she was not always alive to that, or she might have seen how a warm, affectionate, ardent nature, free from all envy or carking care of self, gave an unspeakable charm to her plain, bright-faced daughter Jemima, whose dark eyes kept challenging admiration for her friend. The first evening spent at Mr Bradshaw's passed like many succeeding visits there. There was tea, the equipage for which was as handsome and as ugly as money could purchase. Then the ladies produced their sewing, while Mr Bradshaw stood before the fire, and gave the assembled party the benefit of his opinions on many subjects. The opinions were as good and excellent as the opinions of any man can be who sees one side of a case very strongly, and almost ignores the other. They coincided in many points with those held by Mr Benson, but he once or twice interposed with a plea for those who might differ; and then he was heard by Mr Bradshaw with a kind of evident and indulgent pity, such as one feels for a child who unwittingly talks nonsense. By-and-by, Mrs Bradshaw and Miss Benson fell into one tête à tête, and Ruth and Jemima into another. Two well-behaved but unnaturally quiet children were sent to bed early in the evening, in an authoritative voice, by their father, because one of them had spoken too loud while he was enlarging on an alteration in the tariff. Just before the supper-tray was brought in, a gentleman was announced whom Ruth had never previously seen, but who appeared well known to the rest of the party. It was Mr Farquhar, Mr Bradshaw's partner; he had been on the Continent for the last year, and had only recently returned. He seemed perfectly at home, but spoke little. He leaned back in his chair, screwed up his eyes, and watched everybody; yet there was nothing unpleasant or impertinent in his keenness of observation. Ruth wondered to hear him contradict Mr Bradshaw, and almost expected some rebuff; but Mr Bradshaw, if he did not yield the point, admitted, for the first time that evening, that it was possible something might be said on the other side. Mr Farquhar differed also from Mr Benson, but it was in a more respectful manner than Mr Bradshaw had done. For these reasons, although Mr Farquhar had never spoken to Ruth, she came away with the impression that he was a man to be respected, and perhaps liked.
Jemima wouldn’t have been allowed to visit so often if Mr. Bradshaw hadn’t been keen on supporting Ruth. If Ruth wanted, she could have worn gifts from him from head to toe, but she constantly turned them down, much to Miss Benson’s annoyance at times. However, since he couldn’t shower her with gifts, he could show his approval by inviting her to his house, and after some thought, she agreed to go with Mr. and Miss Benson. The house was square and bulky-looking, with a lot of drab-colored furniture. Mrs. Bradshaw, in her laid-back, sweet-tempered way, supported her husband’s desire to be kind to Ruth. She secretly had a strong appreciation for beauty and interest, unlike her husband’s focus on practicality, and she rarely had such a fulfilling way to enjoy this taste as when she observed Ruth moving around the room, which, with its simplicity and dull colors, seemed to be brightened by Ruth's presence. Mrs. Bradshaw sighed, wishing she had a daughter as lovely to daydream about; crafting fantasies like those found in the Minerva press was how she escaped the monotony of her life as Mr. Bradshaw’s wife. Her appreciation was limited to external beauty, and she wasn’t always aware of that; otherwise, she might have recognized how Ruth's warm, loving, and passionate nature, free from jealousy or selfish worries, added an indescribable charm to her plain, bright-faced daughter Jemima, whose dark eyes seemed to seek admiration for her friend. The first evening spent at Mr. Bradshaw’s was like many others that followed. There was tea, served with a fancy but unattractive set that money could buy. The ladies took out their sewing while Mr. Bradshaw stood by the fire, sharing his opinions on various subjects with the group. His opinions were as good and sound as any man’s who views only one side of an issue strongly and nearly ignores the other. They often aligned with Mr. Benson’s views, but he occasionally spoke up on behalf of differing opinions, which Mr. Bradshaw received with a kind of obvious, indulgent pity, similar to how one might feel towards a child who unwittingly says something silly. Eventually, Mrs. Bradshaw and Miss Benson engaged in a private conversation, while Ruth and Jemima had their own chat. Two well-behaved but unnaturally quiet children were sent to bed early by their father in a commanding tone because one of them had spoken too loudly while he was discussing a change in the tax system. Just before the supper tray was brought in, a gentleman who Ruth had never seen before was announced, but he seemed well-known to the rest of the group. It was Mr. Farquhar, Mr. Bradshaw’s partner; he had been abroad for the past year and had only recently returned. He seemed completely at ease but spoke very little. He leaned back in his chair, squinting his eyes while observing everyone, but there was nothing unpleasant or rude about his keen interest. Ruth was surprised to hear him contradict Mr. Bradshaw and almost expected a backlash; however, Mr. Bradshaw, while not conceding the argument, acknowledged for the first time that evening that there might be something to consider from the other side. Mr. Farquhar also disagreed with Mr. Benson, but he did so in a more respectful manner than Mr. Bradshaw had. For that reason, even though Mr. Farquhar had never directly spoken to Ruth, she left with the impression that he was someone to be respected and maybe even liked.
Sally would have thought herself mightily aggrieved if, on their return, she had not heard some account of the evening. As soon as Miss Benson came in, the old servant began:
Sally would have felt really upset if, when they got back, she hadn’t heard some details about the evening. As soon as Miss Benson walked in, the old servant started:
"Well, and who was there? and what did they give you for supper?"
"Well, who was there? And what did they give you for dinner?"
"Only Mr Farquhar besides ourselves; and sandwiches, sponge-cake, and wine; there was no occasion for anything more," replied Miss Benson, who was tired and preparing to go upstairs.
"Only Mr. Farquhar besides us; and sandwiches, sponge cake, and wine; there was no need for anything else," replied Miss Benson, who was tired and getting ready to go upstairs.
"Mr Farquhar! Why they do say he's thinking of Miss Jemima!"
"Mr. Farquhar! They say he's got feelings for Miss Jemima!"
"Nonsense, Sally! why he's old enough to be her father!" said Miss Benson, half way up the first flight.
"Nonsense, Sally! He's old enough to be her dad!" said Miss Benson, halfway up the first flight.
"There's no need for it to be called nonsense, though he may be ten year older," muttered Sally, retreating towards the kitchen. "Bradshaw's Betsy knows what she's about, and wouldn't have said it for nothing."
"There's no need to call it nonsense, even if he's ten years older," murmured Sally, walking back toward the kitchen. "Bradshaw's Betsy knows what she's doing, and she wouldn't have said it for no reason."
Ruth wondered a little about it. She loved Jemima well enough to be interested in what related to her; but, after thinking for a few minutes, she decided that such a marriage was, and would ever be, very unlikely.
Ruth thought about it for a bit. She cared about Jemima enough to be curious about anything that involved her; however, after a few minutes of reflection, she concluded that such a marriage was, and would always be, very improbable.
CHAPTER XVIII
Ruth Becomes a Governess in Mr Bradshaw's Family
One afternoon, not long after this, Mr and Miss Benson set off to
call upon a farmer, who attended the chapel, but lived at some
distance from the town. They intended to stay to tea if they were
invited, and Ruth and Sally were left to spend a long afternoon
together. At first, Sally was busy in her kitchen, and Ruth employed
herself in carrying her baby out into the garden. It was now nearly a
year since she came to the Bensons'; it seemed like yesterday, and
yet as if a lifetime had gone between. The flowers were budding now,
that were all in bloom when she came down, on the first autumnal
morning, into the sunny parlour. The yellow jessamine, that was then
a tender plant, had now taken firm root in the soil, and was sending
out strong shoots; the wall-flowers, which Miss Benson had sown on
the wall a day or two after her arrival, were scenting the air with
their fragrant flowers. Ruth knew every plant now; it seemed as
though she had always lived here, and always known the inhabitants of
the house. She heard Sally singing her accustomed song in the
kitchen, a song she never varied over her afternoon's work. It
began,
One afternoon, not long after this, Mr. and Miss Benson set off to visit a farmer who went to the chapel but lived quite far from town. They planned to stay for tea if they were invited, leaving Ruth and Sally to spend a long afternoon together. At first, Sally was busy in her kitchen, while Ruth took her baby out into the garden. It had been almost a year since she came to the Bensons'; it felt like just yesterday, yet like a lifetime had passed. The flowers were budding now, which had been in full bloom when she first arrived on that sunny autumn morning in the parlor. The yellow jessamine, once a delicate plant, had firmly rooted itself in the soil and was now sending out strong shoots. The wall-flowers Miss Benson had sown on the wall just days after her arrival were filling the air with their sweet fragrance. Ruth recognized every plant now; it felt like she had always lived here and had always known the people in the house. She could hear Sally singing her usual song in the kitchen, a tune she never changed during her afternoon work. It began,
As I was going to Derby, sir,
Upon a market-day.
While I was on my way to Derby, sir,
On a market day.
And if music is a necessary element in a song, perhaps I had better call it by some other name.
And if music is essential to a song, maybe I should call it something else.
But the strange change was in Ruth herself. She was conscious of it though she could not define it, and did not dwell upon it. Life had become significant and full of duty to her. She delighted in the exercise of her intellectual powers, and liked the idea of the infinite amount of which she was ignorant; for it was a grand pleasure to learn—to crave, and be satisfied. She strove to forget what had gone before this last twelve months. She shuddered up from contemplating it; it was like a bad, unholy dream. And yet, there was a strange yearning kind of love for the father of the child whom she pressed to her heart, which came, and she could not bid it begone as sinful, it was so pure and natural, even when thinking of it, as in the sight of God. Little Leonard cooed to the flowers, and stretched after their bright colours; and Ruth laid him on the dry turf, and pelted him with the gay petals. He chinked and crowed with laughing delight, and clutched at her cap, and pulled it off. Her short rich curls were golden-brown in the slanting sunlight, and by their very shortness made her look more child-like. She hardly seemed as if she could be the mother of the noble babe over whom she knelt, now snatching kisses, now matching his cheek with rose-leaves. All at once, the bells of the old church struck the hour; and far away, high up in the air, began slowly to play the old tune of "Life let us cherish;" they had played it for years—for the life of man—and it always sounded fresh and strange and aërial. Ruth was still in a moment, she knew not why; and the tears came into her eyes as she listened. When it was ended, she kissed her baby, and bade God bless him.
But the strange change was in Ruth herself. She was aware of it, even though she couldn't define it, and she didn't dwell on it. Life had become meaningful and full of responsibility for her. She found joy in exercising her intellect and liked the idea of all the knowledge she still didn't have; it was a great pleasure to learn—to desire knowledge and be fulfilled. She tried to forget everything that had happened in the past twelve months. The thought of it made her shudder—it felt like a bad, unholy dream. Yet, there was a strange, yearning love for the father of the child she held close to her heart; it felt so pure and natural, even when she thought about it, as if in the sight of God. Little Leonard cooed at the flowers and reached for their bright colors, while Ruth laid him on the dry grass and playfully tossed the colorful petals at him. He giggled and laughed with delight, reaching for her cap and pulling it off. Her short, rich curls glowed golden-brown in the slanting sunlight, and their very shortness made her look more child-like. She hardly seemed like she could be the mother of the noble baby kneeling before her, now taking kisses and matching his cheek with rose petals. Suddenly, the bells of the old church chimed the hour, and far away, high in the sky, the familiar tune of "Life let us cherish" began to play slowly; it had been played for years—for the life of man—and it always sounded fresh, strange, and ethereal. Ruth paused in that moment, not knowing why, and tears filled her eyes as she listened. When it ended, she kissed her baby and asked God to bless him.
Just then Sally came out, dressed for the evening, with a leisurely look about her. She had done her work, and she and Ruth were to drink tea together in the exquisitely clean kitchen; but while the kettle was boiling, she came out to enjoy the flowers. She gathered a piece of southern-wood, and stuffed it up her nose, by way of smelling it.
Just then, Sally walked out, all dressed up for the evening, looking relaxed. She had finished her work, and she and Ruth were set to have tea together in the spotless kitchen; but while the kettle was boiling, she stepped outside to enjoy the flowers. She picked a sprig of southern-wood and sniffed it by putting it right up to her nose.
"Whatten you call this in your country?" asked she.
"What do you call this in your country?" she asked.
"Old-man," replied Ruth.
"Old man," replied Ruth.
"We call it here lad's-love. It and peppermint-drops always remind me of going to church in the country. Here! I'll get you a black-currant leaf to put in the teapot. It gives it a flavour. We had bees once against this wall; but when missus died, we forgot to tell 'em, and put 'em in mourning, and, in course, they swarmed away without our knowing, and the next winter came a hard frost, and they died. Now, I dare say, the water will be boiling; and it's time for little master there to come in, for the dew is falling. See, all the daisies is shutting themselves up."
"We call it here lad’s-love. It and peppermint drops always remind me of going to church in the country. Here! I'll get you a blackcurrant leaf to put in the teapot. It adds some flavor. We used to have bees against this wall; but when the missus passed away, we forgot to tell them and put them in mourning. Naturally, they swarmed away without us knowing, and the next winter, there was a hard frost, and they died. Now, I bet the water is boiling, and it’s time for that little master over there to come in because the dew is falling. Look, all the daisies are closing up."
Sally was most gracious as a hostess. She quite put on her company manners to receive Ruth in the kitchen. They laid Leonard to sleep on the sofa in the parlour, that they might hear him the more easily, and then they sat quietly down to their sewing by the bright kitchen fire. Sally was, as usual, the talker; and, as usual, the subject was the family of whom for so many years she had formed a part.
Sally was a wonderful hostess. She really showed her polite side when welcoming Ruth in the kitchen. They laid Leonard down to sleep on the sofa in the living room so they could hear him more easily, and then they settled down to do their sewing by the warm kitchen fire. Sally was, as always, the one doing the talking, and, as usual, the topic was the family she had been a part of for so many years.
"Aye! things was different when I was a girl," quoth she. "Eggs was thirty for a shilling, and butter only sixpence a pound. My wage when I came here was but three pound, and I did on it, and was always clean and tidy, which is more than many a lass can say now who gets her seven and eight pound a year; and tea was kept for an afternoon drink, and pudding was eaten afore meat in them days, and the upshot was, people paid their debts better; aye, aye! we'n gone backwards, and we thinken we'n gone forrards."
"Yeah! Things were different when I was a girl," she said. "Eggs were thirty for a shilling, and butter was only sixpence a pound. My wage when I came here was just three pounds, and I managed on it, and I was always clean and tidy, which is more than a lot of girls can say now who make seven or eight pounds a year; and tea was saved for an afternoon drink, and pudding was eaten before the meat back then, and as a result, people paid their debts better; yeah, yeah! We've gone backwards, and we think we've moved forwards."
After shaking her head a little over the degeneracy of the times, Sally returned to a part of the subject on which she thought she had given Ruth a wrong idea.
After shaking her head slightly at the decline of society, Sally went back to a part of the topic where she felt she had given Ruth the wrong impression.
"You'll not go for to think now that I've not more than three pound a year. I've a deal above that now. First of all, old missus gave me four pound, for she said I were worth it, and I thought in my heart that I were; so I took it without more ado; but after her death, Master Thurstan and Miss Faith took a fit of spending, and says they to me, one day as I carried tea in, 'Sally, we think your wages ought to be raised.' 'What matter what you think!' said I, pretty sharp, for I thought they'd ha' shown more respect to missus if they'd let things stand as they were in her time; and they'd gone and moved the sofa away from the wall to where it stands now, already that very day. So I speaks up sharp, and, says I, 'As long as I'm content, I think it's no business of yours to be meddling wi' me and my money matters.' 'But,' says Miss Faith (she's always the one to speak first if you'll notice, though it's master that comes in and clinches the matter with some reason she'd never ha' thought of—he were always a sensible lad), 'Sally, all the servants in the town have six pound and better, and you have as hard a place as any of 'em.' 'Did you ever hear me grumble about my work that you talk about it in that way? wait till I grumble,' says I, 'but don't meddle wi' me till then.' So I flung off in a huff; but in the course of the evening, Master Thurstan came in and sat down in the kitchen, and he's such winning ways he wiles one over to anything; and besides, a notion had come into my head—now, you'll not tell," said she, glancing round the room, and hitching her chair nearer to Ruth in a confidential manner; Ruth promised, and Sally went on:
"You might think I only make three pounds a year, but I actually make a lot more than that now. First off, the old missus gave me four pounds because she said I was worth it, and I believed I was too, so I took it without hesitation. But after she passed away, Master Thurstan and Miss Faith started spending money frivolously, and one day while I was bringing in tea, they said to me, 'Sally, we think your wages should be increased.' 'What does it matter what you think!' I replied sharply because I thought they should show more respect to the missus by keeping things the same as they were during her lifetime; they had even moved the sofa from the wall to its current spot just that very day. So I spoke up assertively and said, 'As long as I'm happy, it's none of your business to meddle with me and my finances.' 'But,' said Miss Faith (she's always the one to speak first, although it's the master who comes in and settles things with some sensible reasoning she would never have considered—he was always a reasonable lad), 'Sally, all the other servants in town earn six pounds or more, and you have just as tough a job as any of them.' 'Have you ever heard me complain about my work for you to talk about it like this? Just wait until I complain,' I said, 'but don’t interfere with me until then.' So I stormed off in a huff; but later that evening, Master Thurstan came in and sat down in the kitchen, and he has such charming ways that it's hard not to be won over; plus, I had an idea come to me—now, don't tell anyone," she said, glancing around the room and pulling her chair closer to Ruth in a conspiratorial manner; Ruth promised, and Sally continued:
"I thought I should like to be an heiress wi' money, and leave it all to Master and Miss Faith; and I thought if I'd six pound a year I could, maybe, get to be an heiress; all I was feared on was that some chap or other might marry me for my money, but I've managed to keep the fellows off; so I looks mim and grateful, and I thanks Master Thurstan for his offer, and I takes the wages; and what do you think I've done?" asked Sally, with an exultant air.
"I thought I’d like to be an heiress with money and leave it all to Master and Miss Faith; and I figured if I had six pounds a year, I could maybe become an heiress. The only thing I worried about was some guy marrying me for my money, but I've managed to keep the suitors away. So, I act modest and grateful, thank Master Thurstan for his offer, and accept the wages. And guess what I've done?" asked Sally, with a triumphant expression.
"What have you done?" asked Ruth.
"What did you do?" asked Ruth.
"Why," replied Sally, slowly and emphatically, "I've saved thirty pound! but that's not it. I've getten a lawyer to make me a will; that's it, wench!" said she, slapping Ruth on the back.
"Why," replied Sally, slowly and firmly, "I've saved thirty pounds! But that's not all. I've hired a lawyer to help me make a will; that's the point, girl!" she said, giving Ruth a friendly slap on the back.
"How did you manage it?" asked Ruth.
"How did you do it?" asked Ruth.
"Aye, that was it," said Sally; "I thowt about it many a night before I hit on the right way. I was afeard the money might be thrown into Chancery, if I didn't make it all safe, and yet I could na' ask Master Thurstan. At last and at length, John Jackson, the grocer, had a nephew come to stay a week with him, as was 'prentice to a lawyer in Liverpool; so now was my time, and here was my lawyer. Wait a minute! I could tell you my story better if I had my will in my hand; and I'll scomfish you if ever you go for to tell."
"Yeah, that was it," said Sally; "I thought about it many nights before I figured out the right way. I was afraid the money might end up stuck in legal limbo if I didn’t make it all safe, but I couldn’t ask Master Thurstan. Finally, John Jackson, the grocer, had a nephew staying with him for a week; he was apprenticed to a lawyer in Liverpool, so now was my chance, and here was my lawyer. Just a second! I could tell you my story better if I had my will in my hand; and I'll remind you not to tell anyone."
She held up her hand, and threatened Ruth as she left the kitchen to fetch the will.
She raised her hand and threatened Ruth as she left the kitchen to get the will.
When she came back, she brought a parcel tied up in a blue pocket-handkerchief; she sat down, squared her knees, untied the handkerchief, and displayed a small piece of parchment.
When she returned, she had a package tied up in a blue handkerchief; she sat down, crossed her legs, untied the handkerchief, and revealed a small piece of parchment.
"Now, do you know what this is?" said she, holding it up. "It's parchment, and it's the right stuff to make wills on. People gets into Chancery if they don't make them o' this stuff, and I reckon Tom Jackson thowt he'd have a fresh job on it if he could get it into Chancery; for the rascal went and wrote it on a piece of paper at first, and came and read it me out loud off a piece of paper no better than what one writes letters upon. I were up to him; and, thinks I, Come, come, my lad, I'm not a fool, though you may think so; I know a paper will won't stand, but I'll let you run your rig. So I sits and I listens. And would you belie' me, he read it out as if it were as clear a business as your giving me that thimble—no more ado, though it were thirty pound! I could understand it mysel'—that were no law for me. I wanted summat to consider about, and for th' meaning to be wrapped up as I wrap up my best gown. So says I, 'Tom! it's not on parchment. I mun have it on parchment.' 'This 'ill do as well,' says he. 'We'll get it witnessed, and it will stand good.' Well! I liked the notion of having it witnessed, and for a while that soothed me; but after a bit, I felt I should like it done according to law, and not plain out as anybody might ha' done it; I mysel', if I could have written. So says I, 'Tom! I mun have it on parchment.' 'Parchment costs money,' says he, very grave. 'Oh, oh, my lad! are ye there?' thinks I. 'That's the reason I'm clipped of law.' So says I, 'Tom! I mun have it on parchment. I'll pay the money and welcome. It's thirty pound, and what I can lay to it. I'll make it safe. It shall be on parchment, and I'll tell thee what, lad! I'll gie ye sixpence for every good law-word you put in it, sounding like, and not to be caught up as a person runs. Your master had need to be ashamed of you as a 'prentice if you can't do a thing more tradesman-like than this!' Well! he laughed above a bit, but I were firm, and stood to it. So he made it out on parchment. Now, woman, try and read it!" said she, giving it to Ruth.
"Now, do you know what this is?" she said, holding it up. "It's parchment, and it's the proper material for making wills. People end up in court if they don’t use this stuff, and I bet Tom Jackson thought he’d get some work out of it if he could get it into court; because that rascal wrote it on a piece of paper at first and read it to me off a sheet no better than what people use for letters. I knew what he was up to; and I thought, Come on, my boy, I’m not a fool, though you might think so; I know a paper will won’t hold up, but I’ll let you try. So I sat and listened. And would you believe it, he read it as if it was as straightforward as giving me that thimble—no more fuss, even though it was thirty pounds! I could understand it myself—there was no legalese for me. I wanted something to think about, and for the meaning to be wrapped up like I wrap up my best gown. So I said, 'Tom! it’s not on parchment. I need it on parchment.' 'This will do just fine,' he said. 'We’ll get it witnessed, and it will be valid.' Well! I liked the idea of having it witnessed, and for a while that calmed me; but after a bit, I felt I wanted it done according to the law, not just casually as anyone could have done it; even I could have written it if I had the chance. So I said, 'Tom! I need it on parchment.' 'Parchment costs money,' he said, very seriously. 'Oh, oh, my boy! are you serious?' I thought. 'That’s the reason I’m being shortchanged on the law.' So I said, 'Tom! I need it on parchment. I’ll pay the money and be happy to do it. It’s thirty pounds, plus what I can add to it. I’ll make it secure. It shall be on parchment, and I’ll tell you what, lad! I’ll give you sixpence for every proper legal term you put in it, clearly stated, and not something that sounds like running away. Your master should be embarrassed of you as an apprentice if you can’t do something more professional than this!' Well! he laughed a bit, but I was firm and stood my ground. So he made it out on parchment. Now, woman, try and read it!" she said, giving it to Ruth.
Ruth smiled, and began to read; Sally listening with rapt attention. When Ruth came to the word "testatrix," Sally stopped her.
Ruth smiled and started to read, with Sally listening closely. When Ruth got to the word "testatrix," Sally interrupted her.
"That was the first sixpence," said she. "I thowt he was going to fob me off again wi' plain language; but when that word came, I out wi' my sixpence, and gave it to him on the spot. Now go on."
"That was the first sixpence," she said. "I thought he was going to try and brush me off again with simple words; but when that word came up, I pulled out my sixpence and gave it to him right then. Now continue."
Presently Ruth read, "accruing."
Ruth is currently reading, "accruing."
"That was the second sixpence. Four sixpences it were in all, besides six-and-eightpence as we bargained at first, and three-and-fourpence parchment. There! that's what I call a will; witnessed according to law, and all. Master Thurstan will be prettily taken in when I die, and he finds all his extra wage left back to him. But it will teach him it's not so easy as he thinks for, to make a woman give up her way."
"That was the second sixpence. There were four sixpences in total, plus the six-and-eightpence we agreed on at first, and three-and-fourpence for the parchment. There! That's what I call a will; legally witnessed and everything. Master Thurstan is going to be quite surprised when I die and he sees that all his extra wages are left for him. But it will show him that it’s not as easy as he thinks to make a woman give up her way."
The time was now drawing near when little Leonard might be weaned—the time appointed by all three for Ruth to endeavour to support herself in some way more or less independent of Mr and Miss Benson. This prospect dwelt much in all of their minds, and was in each shaded with some degree of perplexity; but they none of them spoke of it for fear of accelerating the event. If they had felt clear and determined as to the best course to be pursued, they were none of them deficient in courage to commence upon that course at once. Miss Benson would, perhaps, have objected the most to any alteration in their present daily mode of life; but that was because she had the habit of speaking out her thoughts as they arose, and she particularly disliked and dreaded change. Besides this, she had felt her heart open out, and warm towards the little helpless child, in a strong and powerful manner. Nature had intended her warm instincts to find vent in a mother's duties; her heart had yearned after children, and made her restless in her childless state, without her well knowing why; but now, the delight she experienced in tending, nursing, and contriving for the little boy—even contriving to the point of sacrificing many of her cherished whims—made her happy and satisfied and peaceful. It was more difficult to sacrifice her whims than her comforts; but all had been given up when and where required by the sweet lordly baby, who reigned paramount in his very helplessness.
The time was getting closer for little Leonard to be weaned—the time everyone had agreed on for Ruth to try and support herself in a way that was more or less independent of Mr. and Miss Benson. This future possibility weighed heavily on all their minds, each feeling some level of uncertainty about it; however, none of them mentioned it for fear of speeding up the event. If they had felt clear and determined about the best path to take, they would have had the courage to start right away. Miss Benson might have been the most resistant to any changes in their current daily routine; this was because she often voiced her thoughts as they came to her, and she particularly disliked and feared change. Moreover, she had felt her heart open up, warming to the little helpless child in a strong and powerful way. Nature had meant for her nurturing instincts to express themselves through motherhood; she had longed for children and felt restless in her childless state, not fully understanding why; but now, the joy she found in caring for, nursing, and planning for the little boy—even going so far as to set aside many of her beloved whims—brought her happiness and contentment. Sacrificing her whims was more difficult than giving up her comforts; yet she had surrendered everything when and where it was needed by the sweet, demanding baby, who held supreme power in his very helplessness.
From some cause or other, an exchange of ministers for one Sunday was to be effected with a neighbouring congregation, and Mr Benson went on a short absence from home. When he returned on Monday, he was met at the house-door by his sister, who had evidently been looking out for him for some time. She stepped out to greet him.
From some reason or another, there was going to be an exchange of ministers for one Sunday with a nearby congregation, and Mr. Benson went away briefly. When he came back on Monday, his sister met him at the front door, clearly having been waiting for him for a while. She stepped out to welcome him.
"Don't hurry yourself, Thurstan! all's well; only I wanted to tell you something. Don't fidget yourself—baby is quite well, bless him! It's only good news. Come into your room, and let me talk a little quietly with you."
"Don't rush, Thurstan! Everything’s fine; I just wanted to tell you something. Don’t get anxious—baby is doing great, bless him! It’s just good news. Come into your room, and let me chat with you for a bit."
She drew him into his study, which was near the outer door, and then she took off his coat, and put his carpet-bag in a corner, and wheeled a chair to the fire, before she would begin.
She pulled him into his study, which was by the front door, and then she took off his coat, put his carpet bag in a corner, and moved a chair closer to the fire before she started.
"Well, now! to think how often things fall out just as we want them, Thurstan! Have not you often wondered what was to be done with Ruth when the time came at which we promised her she should earn her living? I am sure you have, because I have so often thought about it myself. And yet I never dared to speak out my fear, because that seemed giving it a shape. And now Mr Bradshaw has put all to rights. He invited Mr Jackson to dinner yesterday, just as we were going into chapel; and then he turned to me and asked me if I would come to tea—straight from afternoon chapel, because Mrs Bradshaw wanted to speak to me. He made it very clear I was not to bring Ruth; and, indeed, she was only too happy to stay at home with baby. And so I went; and Mrs Bradshaw took me into her bedroom, and shut the doors, and said Mr Bradshaw had told her, that he did not like Jemima being so much confined with the younger ones while they were at their lessons, and that he wanted some one above a nursemaid to sit with them while their masters were there—some one who would see about their learning their lessons, and who would walk out with them; a sort of nursery governess, I think she meant, though she did not say so; and Mr Bradshaw (for, of course, I saw his thoughts and words constantly peeping out, though he had told her to speak to me) believed that our Ruth would be the very person. Now, Thurstan, don't look so surprised, as if she had never come into your head! I am sure I saw what Mrs Bradshaw was driving at, long before she came to the point; and I could scarcely keep from smiling, and saying, 'We'd jump at the proposal'—long before I ought to have known anything about it."
"Well, now! Can you believe how often things turn out just the way we hope, Thurstan? Haven't you ever wondered what we were going to do with Ruth when the time came for her to earn her living? I'm sure you have, because I've thought about it a lot myself. Yet, I never spoke up about my worries because that felt like giving them a name. But now Mr. Bradshaw has sorted everything out. He invited Mr. Jackson to dinner yesterday, just as we were heading into chapel; then he turned to me and asked if I would come for tea—right after afternoon chapel, because Mrs. Bradshaw wanted to talk to me. He made it clear I wasn't to bring Ruth, and she was more than happy to stay home with the baby. So, I went, and Mrs. Bradshaw took me into her bedroom, closed the door, and said Mr. Bradshaw had told her he didn’t like Jemima being so confined with the younger ones while they were in their lessons. He wanted someone more than a nursemaid to stay with them while their tutors were there—someone who would help them with their lessons and take them out for walks; I think she meant a sort of nursery governess, though she didn’t say it outright. And Mr. Bradshaw (because I could always see his thoughts and words slipping out, even though he told her to talk to me) believed that our Ruth would be the perfect fit. Now, Thurstan, don’t look so surprised, as if she had never crossed your mind! I could tell what Mrs. Bradshaw was getting at long before she got to the point; I could hardly keep from smiling and saying, 'We'd jump at the offer'—long before I should have even known anything about it."
"Oh, I wonder what we ought to do!" said Mr Benson. "Or rather, I believe I see what we ought to do, if I durst but do it."
"Oh, I’m really not sure what we should do!" said Mr. Benson. "Or actually, I think I know what we should do, if only I had the courage to do it."
"Why, what ought we to do?" asked his sister, in surprise.
"Why, what should we do?" his sister asked, surprised.
"I ought to go and tell Mr Bradshaw the whole story—"
"I should go and tell Mr. Bradshaw the whole story—"
"And get Ruth turned out of our house," said Miss Benson, indignantly.
"And get Ruth kicked out of our house," said Miss Benson, angrily.
"They can't make us do that," said her brother. "I do not think they would try."
"They can't make us do that," her brother said. "I don't think they would even try."
"Yes, Mr Bradshaw would try; and he would blazon out poor Ruth's sin, and there would not be a chance for her left. I know him well, Thurstan; and why should he be told now, more than a year ago?"
"Yes, Mr. Bradshaw would try; and he would publicly expose poor Ruth's sin, leaving her with no chance. I know him well, Thurstan; and why should he be told now, more than a year ago?"
"A year ago he did not want to put her in a situation of trust about his children."
"A year ago, he didn't want to put her in a position of trust regarding his kids."
"And you think she'll abuse that trust, do you? You've lived a twelvemonth in the house with Ruth, and the end of it is, you think she will do his children harm! Besides, who encouraged Jemima to come to the house so much to see Ruth? Did you not say it would do them both good to see something of each other?"
"And you really believe she’ll betray that trust, huh? You've spent a year in the house with Ruth, and after all that, you think she’ll hurt his kids! Plus, who was it that encouraged Jemima to visit the house so often to see Ruth? Didn't you say it would be good for both of them to spend some time together?"
Mr Benson sat thinking.
Mr. Benson sat contemplating.
"If you had not known Ruth as well as you do—if during her stay with us you had marked anything wrong, or forward, or deceitful, or immodest, I would say at once, 'Don't allow Mr Bradshaw to take her into his house;' but still I would say, 'Don't tell of her sin and her sorrow to so severe a man—so unpitiful a judge.' But here I ask you, Thurstan, can you, or I, or Sally (quick-eyed as she is), say, that in any one thing we have had true, just occasion to find fault with Ruth? I don't mean that she is perfect—she acts without thinking, her temper is sometimes warm and hasty; but have we any right to go and injure her prospects for life, by telling Mr Bradshaw all we know of her errors—only sixteen when she did so wrong, and never to escape from it all her many years to come—to have the despair which would arise from its being known, clutching her back into worse sin? What harm do you think she can do? What is the risk to which you think you are exposing Mr Bradshaw's children?" She paused, out of breath, her eyes glittering with tears of indignation, and impatient for an answer, that she might knock it to pieces.
"If you didn't know Ruth as well as you do—if during her time with us you noticed anything wrong, inappropriate, deceitful, or immodest, I would immediately say, 'Don’t let Mr. Bradshaw take her into his home;' but I’d still insist, 'Don’t tell this severe man—this unfeeling judge—about her sins and sorrows.' But I ask you, Thurstan, can you, I, or even Sally (sharp-eyed as she is), honestly say that we have had a legitimate reason to criticize Ruth in any way? I’m not saying she’s perfect—she acts impulsively, and her temper can be fiery and rash; but do we have the right to damage her future by revealing all we know about her mistakes—especially when she was only sixteen when she did something wrong, and now she'll carry that burden for many years to come? The despair that would come from it being known could push her back into worse behaviors. What damage do you think she could cause? What risk do you believe you are putting Mr. Bradshaw’s children in?" She paused, breathless, her eyes shining with tears of indignation, eager for an answer so she could dismantle it.
"I do not see any danger that can arise," said he at length, and with slow difficulty, as if not fully convinced. "I have watched Ruth, and I believe she is pure and truthful; and the very sorrow and penitence she has felt—the very suffering she has gone through—has given her a thoughtful conscientiousness beyond her age."
"I don’t see any danger that could come up," he finally said, slowly and with some effort, as if he wasn’t entirely sure. "I’ve been watching Ruth, and I believe she is honest and genuine; the sorrow and regret she has experienced—the suffering she has endured—have given her a level of thoughtfulness and sense of responsibility beyond her years."
"That and the care of her baby," said Miss Benson, secretly delighted at the tone of her brother's thoughts.
"That and taking care of her baby," said Miss Benson, secretly pleased with the way her brother was thinking.
"Ah, Faith! that baby you so much dreaded once, is turning out a blessing, you see," said Thurstan, with a faint, quiet smile.
"Ah, Faith! That baby you once dreaded so much is turning out to be a blessing, you see," said Thurstan, with a faint, quiet smile.
"Yes! any one might be thankful, and better too, for Leonard; but how could I tell that it would be like him?"
"Yes! Anyone could be grateful, and even more so, for Leonard; but how could I know that it would be like him?"
"But to return to Ruth and Mr Bradshaw. What did you say?"
"But let's go back to Ruth and Mr. Bradshaw. What did you say?"
"Oh! with my feelings, of course, I was only too glad to accept the proposal, and so I told Mrs Bradshaw then; and I afterwards repeated it to Mr Bradshaw, when he asked me if his wife had mentioned their plans. They would understand that I must consult you and Ruth, before it could be considered as finally settled."
"Oh! I was more than happy to accept the proposal, so I told Mrs. Bradshaw that then; and I later told Mr. Bradshaw when he asked me if his wife had mentioned their plans. They would understand that I needed to check with you and Ruth before it could be considered final."
"And have you named it to her?"
"And have you told her its name?"
"Yes," answered Miss Benson, half afraid lest he should think she had been too precipitate.
"Yeah," replied Miss Benson, half worried he might think she had acted too quickly.
"And what did she say?" asked he, after a little pause of grave silence.
"And what did she say?" he asked after a brief pause of serious silence.
"At first she seemed very glad, and fell into my mood of planning how it should all be managed; how Sally and I should take care of the baby the hours that she was away at Mr Bradshaw's; but by-and-by she became silent and thoughtful, and knelt down by me and hid her face in my lap, and shook a little as if she was crying; and then I heard her speak in a very low smothered voice, for her head was still bent down—quite hanging down, indeed, so that I could not see her face, so I stooped to listen, and I heard her say, 'Do you think I should be good enough to teach little girls, Miss Benson?' She said it so humbly and fearfully that all I thought of was how to cheer her, and I answered and asked her if she did not hope to be good enough to bring up her own darling to be a brave Christian man? And she lifted up her head, and I saw her eyes looking wild and wet and earnest, and she said, 'With God's help, that will I try to make my child.' And I said then, 'Ruth, as you strive and as you pray for your own child, so you must strive and pray to make Mary and Elizabeth good, if you are trusted with them.' And she said out quite clear, though her face was hidden from me once more, 'I will strive, and I will pray.' You would not have had any fears, Thurstan, if you could have heard and seen her last night."
"At first, she seemed really happy and joined me in planning how everything should be organized, like how Sally and I would take care of the baby during the hours she was at Mr. Bradshaw's. But after a while, she became quiet and pensive. She knelt down beside me, buried her face in my lap, and shook a bit as if she was crying. Then I heard her speak in a very soft, muffled voice since her head was still bent down—actually, it was hanging so low that I couldn’t see her face. I leaned in to listen, and I heard her say, 'Do you think I would be good enough to teach little girls, Miss Benson?' She said it so humbly and with so much fear that all I could think about was how to encourage her. I replied by asking if she didn’t hope to be good enough to raise her own child to be a brave Christian man. She lifted her head, and I saw her eyes were wild, wet, and serious as she said, 'With God’s help, that’s what I’ll try to do for my child.' Then I said, 'Ruth, as you strive and pray for your own child, you must also strive and pray to make Mary and Elizabeth good, if you are entrusted with them.' She answered clearly, even though her face was hidden again, 'I will strive, and I will pray.' You wouldn’t have had any worries, Thurstan, if you could have heard and seen her last night."
"I have no fear," said he, decidedly. "Let the plan go on." After a minute, he added, "But I am glad it was so far arranged before I heard of it. My indecision about right and wrong—my perplexity as to how far we are to calculate consequences—grows upon me, I fear."
"I’m not afraid," he said firmly. "Let’s proceed with the plan." After a moment, he continued, "But I’m glad it was mostly figured out before I found out about it. My uncertainty about what’s right and wrong—my confusion over how much we should weigh the consequences—seems to be increasing, I’m afraid."
"You look tired and weary, dear. You should blame your body rather than your conscience at these times."
"You look tired and worn out, dear. You should blame your body instead of your conscience during times like this."
"A very dangerous doctrine."
"A highly dangerous belief."
The scroll of Fate was closed, and they could not foresee the Future; and yet, if they could have seen it, though they might have shrunk fearfully at first, they would have smiled and thanked God when all was done and said.
The scroll of Fate was shut, and they couldn’t see the Future; and yet, if they could have glimpsed it, although they might have initially recoiled in fear, they would have smiled and thanked God when everything was finally resolved.
CHAPTER XIX
After Five Years
The quiet days grew into weeks and months, and even years, without any event to startle the little circle into the consciousness of the lapse of time. One who had known them at the date of Ruth's becoming a governess in Mr Bradshaw's family, and had been absent until the time of which I am now going to tell you, would have noted some changes which had imperceptibly come over all; but he, too, would have thought, that the life which had brought so little of turmoil and vicissitude must have been calm and tranquil, and in accordance with the bygone activity of the town in which their existence passed away.
The quiet days turned into weeks, months, and even years, without anything happening to remind the small group of the passage of time. Someone who had known them when Ruth became a governess in Mr. Bradshaw's household and had been away until now would have noticed some changes that had gradually affected everyone; but he would have also thought that a life with so little chaos and change must have been peaceful and serene, reflecting the earlier hustle of the town where they lived.
The alterations that he would have perceived were those caused by the natural progress of time. The Benson home was brightened into vividness by the presence of the little Leonard, now a noble boy of six, large and grand in limb and stature, and with a face of marked beauty and intelligence. Indeed, he might have been considered by many as too intelligent for his years; and often the living with old and thoughtful people gave him, beyond most children, the appearance of pondering over the mysteries which meet the young on the threshold of life, but which fade away as advancing years bring us more into contact with the practical and tangible—fade away and vanish, until it seems to require the agitation of some great storm of the soul before we can again realise spiritual things.
The changes he would have noticed were those brought on by the natural passage of time. The Benson home was brought to life by the presence of little Leonard, now a charming boy of six, tall and impressive, with a face that radiated beauty and intelligence. In fact, many might have thought he was too smart for his age; often, being around older, thoughtful people gave him, more than most kids, the look of someone deep in thought about the mysteries that young people encounter at the start of life, but which disappear as we grow older and engage more with the practical and concrete—fade away and vanish, until it seems we need the turmoil of a great emotional storm before we can once again perceive spiritual things.
But, at times, Leonard seemed oppressed and bewildered, after listening intent, with grave and wondering eyes, to the conversation around him; at others, the bright animal life shone forth radiant, and no three-months' kitten—no foal, suddenly tossing up its heels by the side of its sedate dam, and careering around the pasture in pure mad enjoyment—no young creature of any kind, could show more merriment and gladness of heart.
But sometimes, Leonard looked weighed down and confused, after listening closely, with serious and curious eyes, to the conversation around him; at other times, the lively energy in him burst forth, and no three-month-old kitten—no foal suddenly kicking up its heels next to its calm mother and running around the field in pure joy—no young creature of any kind, could show more happiness and delight.
"For ever in mischief," was Sally's account of him at such times; but it was not intentional mischief; and Sally herself would have been the first to scold any one else who had used the same words in reference to her darling. Indeed, she was once nearly giving warning, because she thought the boy was being ill-used. The occasion was this: Leonard had for some time shown a strange, odd disregard of truth; he invented stories, and told them with so grave a face, that unless there was some internal evidence of their incorrectness (such as describing a cow with a bonnet on), he was generally believed, and his statements, which were given with the full appearance of relating a real occurrence, had once or twice led to awkward results. All the three, whose hearts were pained by this apparent unconsciousness of the difference between truth and falsehood, were unaccustomed to children, or they would have recognised this as a stage through which most infants, who have lively imaginations, pass; and, accordingly, there was a consultation in Mr Benson's study one morning. Ruth was there, quiet, very pale, and with compressed lips, sick at heart as she heard Miss Benson's arguments for the necessity of whipping, in order to cure Leonard of his story-telling. Mr Benson looked unhappy and uncomfortable. Education was but a series of experiments to them all, and they all had a secret dread of spoiling the noble boy, who was the darling of their hearts. And, perhaps, this very intensity of love begot an impatient, unnecessary anxiety, and made them resolve on sterner measures than the parent of a large family (where love was more spread abroad) would have dared to use. At any rate, the vote for whipping carried the day; and even Ruth, trembling and cold, agreed that it must be done; only she asked, in a meek, sad voice, if she need be present (Mr Benson was to be the executioner—the scene, the study); and being instantly told that she had better not, she went slowly and languidly up to her room, and kneeling down, she closed her ears, and prayed.
"Always getting into trouble," was Sally's description of him during those times; but it wasn't intentional trouble, and Sally herself would have been the first to scold anyone else who used those same words about her beloved boy. In fact, she almost quit her job once because she thought the boy was being treated unfairly. The situation was this: Leonard had, for a while, shown a strange, peculiar disregard for the truth; he made up stories and told them so seriously that, unless there was some clear sign they were false (like describing a cow wearing a bonnet), people usually believed him. His claims, delivered with the full appearance of recounting a real event, had led to awkward situations a couple of times. The three of them—whose hearts ached at his apparent inability to distinguish between truth and lies—were not used to children, or they would have recognized this as a phase most imaginative kids go through. So, there was a meeting in Mr. Benson's study one morning. Ruth was there, quiet, very pale, and with pursed lips, feeling ill at ease as she listened to Miss Benson argue that whipping was necessary to fix Leonard's storytelling. Mr. Benson looked unhappy and uneasy. To them all, education was just a series of experiments, and they each secretly feared ruining the precious boy who was the apple of their eyes. Perhaps this intense love led to an impatient, unnecessary anxiety and made them decide on stricter measures than what a parent of a larger family (where love was spread more evenly) would have dared to take. In any case, the decision to whip him was made; and even Ruth, trembling and cold, agreed it had to be done; she only asked, in a soft, sad voice, if she had to be there (Mr. Benson was going to carry it out—the setting would be the study); and when she was quickly told that it was better if she wasn't there, she slowly and wearily went up to her room, knelt down, and prayed, closing her ears.
Miss Benson, having carried her point, was very sorry for the child, and would have begged him off; but Mr Benson had listened more to her arguments than now to her pleadings, and only answered, "If it is right, it shall be done!" He went into the garden, and deliberately, almost as if he wished to gain time, chose and cut off a little switch from the laburnum-tree. Then he returned through the kitchen, and gravely taking the awed and wondering little fellow by the hand, he led him silently into the study, and placing him before him, began an admonition on the importance of truthfulness, meaning to conclude with what he believed to be the moral of all punishment: "As you cannot remember this of yourself, I must give you a little pain to make you remember it. I am very sorry it is necessary, and that you cannot recollect without my doing so."
Miss Benson, having made her point, felt very sorry for the child and wanted to let him off the hook; however, Mr. Benson had paid more attention to her arguments than to her pleas now, and he simply replied, "If it's right, it will be done!" He went into the garden and deliberately, almost as if he wanted to buy some time, chose and cut a small switch from the laburnum tree. Then he walked back through the kitchen, and seriously took the awed and curious little boy by the hand, leading him silently into the study. Once there, he placed him in front of him and started a lecture on the importance of honesty, planning to conclude with what he believed was the lesson behind all punishment: "Since you can't remember this on your own, I have to give you a little pain to help you remember. I'm really sorry this is necessary, and that you can't remember without me doing this."
But before he had reached this very proper and desirable conclusion, and while he was yet working his way, his heart aching with the terrified look of the child at the solemnly sad face and words of upbraiding, Sally burst in:
But before he had arrived at this very reasonable and appealing conclusion, and while he was still finding his way, his heart heavy with the scared expression of the child at the seriously sad face and words of reproach, Sally burst in:
"And what may ye be going to do with that fine switch I saw ye gathering, Master Thurstan?" asked she, her eyes gleaming with anger at the answer she knew must come, if answer she had at all.
"And what are you planning to do with that nice switch I saw you picking up, Master Thurstan?" she asked, her eyes shining with anger at the response she expected, if she got any answer at all.
"Go away, Sally," said Mr Benson, annoyed at the fresh difficulty in his path.
"Go away, Sally," Mr. Benson said, irritated by the new trouble in his way.
"I'll not stir never a step till you give me that switch, as you've got for some mischief, I'll be bound."
"I'm not moving an inch until you give me that switch, which you've probably got for something sneaky."
"Sally! remember where it is said, 'He that spareth the rod, spoileth the child,'" said Mr Benson, austerely.
"Sally! Remember what it says, 'He who spares the rod spoils the child,'" Mr. Benson said sternly.
"Aye, I remember; and I remember a bit more than you want me to remember, I reckon. It were King Solomon as spoke them words, and it were King Solomon's son that were King Rehoboam, and no great shakes either. I can remember what is said on him, 2 Chronicles, xii. chapter, 14th verse: 'And he,' that's King Rehoboam, the lad that tasted the rod, 'did evil, because he prepared not his heart to seek the Lord.' I've not been reading my chapters every night for fifty year to be caught napping by a Dissenter, neither!" said she, triumphantly. "Come along, Leonard." She stretched out her hand to the child, thinking that she had conquered.
"Yeah, I remember, and I remember a little more than you want me to remember, I guess. It was King Solomon who said those words, and it was King Solomon's son who was King Rehoboam, not exactly impressive. I can recall what’s written about him in 2 Chronicles, chapter 12, verse 14: 'And he,' that’s King Rehoboam, the kid who got the punishment, 'did evil because he didn’t prepare his heart to seek the Lord.' I haven’t been reading my chapters every night for fifty years just to be caught off guard by a Dissenter, either!" she said triumphantly. "Come on, Leonard." She reached out her hand to the child, thinking she had won.
But Leonard did not stir. He looked wistfully at Mr Benson. "Come!" said she, impatiently. The boy's mouth quivered.
But Leonard didn't move. He looked at Mr. Benson with longing. "Come on!" she said, impatiently. The boy's lips trembled.
"If you want to whip me, uncle, you may do it. I don't much mind."
"If you want to hit me, uncle, go ahead. I don't really care."
Put in this form, it was impossible to carry out his intentions; and so Mr Benson told the lad he might go—that he would speak to him another time. Leonard went away, more subdued in spirit than if he had been whipped. Sally lingered a moment. She stopped to add: "I think it's for them without sin to throw stones at a poor child, and cut up good laburnum-branches to whip him. I only do as my betters do, when I call Leonard's mother Mrs Denbigh." The moment she had said this she was sorry; it was an ungenerous advantage after the enemy had acknowledged himself defeated. Mr Benson dropped his head upon his hands, and hid his face, and sighed deeply.
Put like this, it was impossible for him to act on his intentions; so Mr. Benson told the kid he could leave—that he would talk to him another time. Leonard walked away, feeling more down than if he had been punished. Sally stayed for a moment. She added, "I think it’s hypocritical for those without sin to throw stones at a poor child and chop up good laburnum branches to hit him. I’m just mimicking my betters when I call Leonard’s mom Mrs. Denbigh." As soon as she said this, she regretted it; it was a low blow after the enemy had already admitted defeat. Mr. Benson dropped his head into his hands, hid his face, and sighed deeply.
Leonard flew in search of his mother, as in search of a refuge. If he had found her calm, he would have burst into a passion of crying after his agitation; as it was, he came upon her kneeling and sobbing, and he stood quite still. Then he threw his arms round her neck, and said: "Mamma! mamma! I will be good—I make a promise; I will speak true—I make a promise." And he kept his word.
Leonard flew to find his mother, looking for a safe place. If he had found her calm, he would have exploded into tears after his earlier anxiety; instead, he discovered her kneeling and sobbing, and he just froze. Then he wrapped his arms around her neck and said, "Mom! Mom! I’ll be good—I promise; I’ll tell the truth—I promise." And he kept his word.
Miss Benson piqued herself upon being less carried away by her love for this child than any one else in the house; she talked severely, and had capital theories; but her severity ended in talk, and her theories would not work. However, she read several books on education, knitting socks for Leonard all the while; and, upon the whole, I think, the hands were more usefully employed than the head, and the good honest heart better than either. She looked older than when we first knew her, but it was a ripe, kindly age that was coming over her. Her excellent practical sense, perhaps, made her a more masculine character than her brother. He was often so much perplexed by the problems of life, that he let the time for action go by; but she kept him in check by her clear, pithy talk, which brought back his wandering thoughts to the duty that lay straight before him, waiting for action; and then he remembered that it was the faithful part to "wait patiently upon God," and leave the ends in His hands, who alone knows why Evil exists in this world, and why it ever hovers on either side of Good. In this respect, Miss Benson had more faith than her brother—or so it seemed; for quick, resolute action in the next step of Life was all she required, while he deliberated and trembled, and often did wrong from his very deliberation, when his first instinct would have led him right.
Miss Benson prided herself on not being as swept up by her love for this child as anyone else in the house; she spoke sternly and had great theories, but her sternness ended in chatter, and her theories didn’t really work. Still, she read several books on education while knitting socks for Leonard. Overall, I think her hands were more productively engaged than her mind, and a good honest heart was better than either. She looked older than when we first met her, but it was a warm, kind age that was coming over her. Her strong practical sense made her a more masculine figure than her brother. He often got so confused by the challenges of life that he let opportunities for action pass him by; but she kept him grounded with her clear, concise words, which brought his wandering thoughts back to the task right in front of him, waiting to be tackled. Then he remembered that the faithful thing to do was to "wait patiently on God" and leave the outcomes in His hands, as He alone knows why Evil exists in this world and why it always lurks around Good. In this way, Miss Benson seemed to have more faith than her brother; for she only needed quick, decisive action in the next step of Life, while he hesitated and faltered, often making mistakes because he pondered too much when his first instinct would have led him right.
But although decided and prompt as ever, Miss Benson was grown older since the summer afternoon when she dismounted from the coach at the foot of the long Welsh hill that led to Llan-dhu, where her brother awaited her to consult her about Ruth. Though her eye was as bright and straight-looking as ever, quick and brave in its glances, her hair had become almost snowy white; and it was on this point she consulted Sally, soon after the date of Leonard's last untruth. The two were arranging Miss Benson's room one morning, when, after dusting the looking-glass, she suddenly stopped in her operation, and after a close inspection of herself, startled Sally by this speech:
But even though she was as decisive and quick as ever, Miss Benson had aged since that summer afternoon when she got off the coach at the bottom of the long Welsh hill leading to Llan-dhu, where her brother was waiting to talk to her about Ruth. Although her eyes were as bright and direct as always, quick and courageous in their glances, her hair had turned almost completely white. It was about this that she spoke to Sally soon after the day of Leonard's last lie. The two were organizing Miss Benson's room one morning when, after dusting the mirror, she suddenly stopped what she was doing and, after closely examining herself, surprised Sally with this statement:
"Sally! I'm looking a great deal older than I used to do!"
"Sally! I look so much older than I used to!"
Sally, who was busy dilating on the increased price of flour, considered this remark of Miss Benson's as strangely irrelevant to the matter in hand, and only noticed it by a
Sally, who was busy expanding on the rising price of flour, found Miss Benson's comment strangely off-topic and only acknowledged it with a
"To be sure! I suppose we all on us do. But two-and-fourpence a dozen is too much to make us pay for it."
"Sure! I guess we all agree on that. But two shillings and four pence a dozen is too much for us to pay."
Miss Benson went on with her inspection of herself, and Sally with her economical projects.
Miss Benson continued her self-examination, while Sally focused on her budgeting plans.
"Sally!" said Miss Benson, "my hair is nearly white. The last time I looked it was only pepper-and-salt. What must I do?"
"Sally!" Miss Benson said, "my hair is almost white. The last time I checked, it was just pepper-and-salt. What should I do?"
"Do—why, what would the wench do?" asked Sally, contemptuously. "Ye're never going to be taken in, at your time of life, by hair-dyes and such gimcracks, as can only take in young girls whose wisdom-teeth are not cut."
"Do—what would that girl do?" Sally asked, dismissively. "You’re never going to fall for hair dyes and those gimmicks at your age, which only fool young girls who haven’t even gotten their wisdom teeth yet."
"And who are not very likely to want them," said Miss Benson, quietly. "No! but you see, Sally, it's very awkward having such grey hair, and feeling so young. Do you know, Sally, I've as great a mind for dancing, when I hear a lively tune on the street-organs, as ever; and as great a mind to sing when I'm happy—to sing in my old way, Sally, you know."
"And they're probably not going to want them," Miss Benson said softly. "No! But you see, Sally, it’s really awkward having such grey hair and feeling so young. You know, Sally, I still have the urge to dance when I hear a lively tune from the street performers, just like I did before; and I still want to sing when I'm happy—to sing the way I used to, you know."
"Aye, you had it from a girl," said Sally; "and many a time, when the door's been shut, I did not know if it was you in the parlour, or a big bumble-bee in the kitchen, as was making that drumbling noise. I heard you at it yesterday."
"Aye, you got it from a girl," said Sally; "and many times, when the door's been shut, I couldn't tell if it was you in the living room or a big bumblebee in the kitchen making that buzzing noise. I heard you doing it yesterday."
"But an old woman with grey hair ought not to have a fancy for dancing or singing," continued Miss Benson.
"But an old woman with gray hair shouldn’t have a desire to dance or sing," continued Miss Benson.
"Whatten nonsense are ye talking?" said Sally, roused to indignation. "Calling yoursel' an old woman when you're better than ten years younger than me! and many a girl has grey hair at five-and-twenty."
"What nonsense are you talking?" Sally said, getting angry. "Calling yourself an old woman when you're more than ten years younger than me! Many girls have grey hair by the time they're twenty-five."
"But I'm more than five-and-twenty, Sally. I'm fifty-seven next May!"
"But I'm more than twenty-five, Sally. I'll be fifty-seven next May!"
"More shame for ye, then, not to know better than to talk of dyeing your hair. I cannot abide such vanities!"
"More shame on you for not knowing better than to talk about dyeing your hair. I can't stand such vain things!"
"Oh, dear! Sally, when will you understand what I mean? I want to know how I am to keep remembering how old I am, so as to prevent myself from feeling so young? I was quite startled just now to see my hair in the glass, for I can generally tell if my cap is straight by feeling. I'll tell you what I'll do—I'll cut off a piece of my grey hair, and plait it together for a marker in my Bible!" Miss Benson expected applause for this bright idea, but Sally only made answer:
"Oh, come on! Sally, when will you get what I'm trying to say? I want to know how I can remember my age so I don’t feel so young. I was really surprised just now when I saw my hair in the mirror because I usually can tell if my hat is straight just by feeling it. Here’s what I’ll do—I’ll cut a piece of my gray hair and braid it to use as a bookmark in my Bible!" Miss Benson thought she’d get some praise for this clever idea, but Sally just replied:
"You'll be taking to painting your cheeks next, now you've once thought of dyeing your hair." So Miss Benson plaited her grey hair in silence and quietness, Leonard holding one end of it while she wove it, and admiring the colour and texture all the time, with a sort of implied dissatisfaction at the auburn colour of his own curls, which was only half-comforted away by Miss Benson's information, that, if he lived long enough, his hair would be like hers.
"You'll be applying some blush next, now that you've considered dyeing your hair." So Miss Benson braided her gray hair in silence, with Leonard holding one end while she worked. He admired the color and texture the whole time, feeling a bit dissatisfied with the auburn of his own curls, which Miss Benson tried to ease by telling him that if he lived long enough, his hair would turn out like hers.
Mr Benson, who had looked old and frail while he was yet but young, was now stationary as to the date of his appearance. But there was something more of nervous restlessness in his voice and ways than formerly; that was the only change six years had brought to him. And as for Sally, she chose to forget age and the passage of years altogether, and had as much work in her, to use her own expression, as she had at sixteen; nor was her appearance very explicit as to the flight of time. Fifty, sixty, or seventy, she might be—not more than the last, not less than the first—though her usual answer to any circuitous inquiry as to her age was now (what it had been for many years past), "I'm feared I shall never see thirty again."
Mr. Benson, who had seemed old and fragile even when he was still young, now appeared unchanging in age. However, there was a heightened nervousness in his voice and actions compared to before; that was the only difference six years had made for him. As for Sally, she preferred to ignore aging and the passage of time altogether, and claimed she had as much energy in her, to use her own words, as she did at sixteen; her appearance didn’t clearly indicate how much time had passed. She could be fifty, sixty, or seventy—not older than seventy, but not younger than fifty. Her usual response to any indirect question about her age was still (just as it had been for many years), "I’m afraid I’ll never see thirty again."
Then as to the house. It was not one where the sitting-rooms are refurnished every two or three years; not now, even (since Ruth came to share their living) a place where, as an article grew shabby or worn, a new one was purchased. The furniture looked poor, and the carpets almost threadbare; but there was such a dainty spirit of cleanliness abroad, such exquisite neatness of repair, and altogether so bright and cheerful a look about the rooms—everything so above-board—no shifts to conceal poverty under flimsy ornament—that many a splendid drawing-room would give less pleasure to those who could see evidences of character in inanimate things. But whatever poverty there might be in the house, there was full luxuriance in the little square wall-encircled garden, on two sides of which the parlour and kitchen looked. The laburnum-tree, which when Ruth came was like a twig stuck into the ground, was now a golden glory in spring, and a pleasant shade in summer. The wild hop, that Mr Benson had brought home from one of his country rambles, and planted by the parlour-window, while Leonard was yet a baby in his mother's arms, was now a garland over the casement, hanging down long tendrils, that waved in the breezes, and threw pleasant shadows and traceries, like some Bacchanalian carving, on the parlour-walls, at "morn or dusky eve." The yellow rose had clambered up to the window of Mr Benson's bedroom, and its blossom-laden branches were supported by a jargonelle pear-tree rich in autumnal fruit.
Then regarding the house. It wasn’t one of those places where the living rooms are redecorated every couple of years; not even now, since Ruth joined them, was it a spot where, as soon as something looked worn or shabby, a new one was bought. The furniture looked worn out, and the carpets were nearly threadbare; but there was such a lovely air of cleanliness throughout, such perfect neatness in the repairs, and an overall bright and cheerful vibe in the rooms—everything so straightforward—no attempts to hide poverty behind cheap decoration—that many an extravagant drawing room would bring less joy to those who appreciate character in inanimate objects. But whatever lack might exist in the house, the small square garden behind the walls was bursting with life, with the living room and kitchen looking out onto it from two sides. The laburnum tree, which when Ruth arrived was just a stick in the ground, was now a golden beauty in spring and a nice shade in summer. The wild hop that Mr. Benson had brought back from one of his country walks and planted by the living room window when Leonard was still a baby in his mother’s arms was now a garland over the casement, with long tendrils swaying in the breeze, casting pleasant shadows and designs like some Bacchanalian carving on the living room walls at “morning or dusky evening.” The yellow rose had climbed up to the window of Mr. Benson’s bedroom, and its blossom-laden branches were supported by a jargonelle pear tree heavy with autumn fruit.
But, perhaps, in Ruth herself there was the greatest external change; for of the change which had gone on in her heart, and mind, and soul, or if there had been any, neither she nor any one around her was conscious; but sometimes Miss Benson did say to Sally, "How very handsome Ruth is grown!" To which Sally made ungracious answer, "Yes! she's well enough. Beauty is deceitful, and favour a snare, and I'm thankful the Lord has spared me from such man-traps and spring-guns." But even Sally could not help secretly admiring Ruth. If her early brilliancy of colour was gone, a clear ivory skin, as smooth as satin, told of complete and perfect health, and was as lovely, if not so striking in effect, as the banished lilies and roses. Her hair had grown darker and deeper, in the shadow that lingered in its masses; her eyes, even if you could have guessed that they had shed bitter tears in their day, had a thoughtful, spiritual look about them, that made you wonder at their depth, and look—and look again. The increase of dignity in her face had been imparted to her form. I do not know if she had grown taller since the birth of her child, but she looked as if she had. And although she had lived in a very humble home, yet there was something about either it or her, or the people amongst whom she had been thrown during the last few years, which had so changed her, that whereas, six or seven years ago, you would have perceived that she was not altogether a lady by birth and education, yet now she might have been placed among the highest in the land, and would have been taken by the most critical judge for their equal, although ignorant of their conventional etiquette—an ignorance which she would have acknowledged in a simple child-like way, being unconscious of any false shame.
But perhaps the biggest change was in Ruth herself; no one around her, including her, seemed aware of any shifts in her heart, mind, or soul. However, sometimes Miss Benson would say to Sally, "Ruth has become so handsome!" to which Sally would respond ungraciously, "Yeah! She's fine. Beauty can be misleading, and charm is a trap. I'm grateful the Lord has kept me safe from those kinds of snares." But even Sally couldn't help but secretly admire Ruth. While the vibrancy of her youth had faded, her clear ivory skin, smooth as satin, spoke of perfect health and was just as lovely, even if less striking, as the once-present lilies and roses. Her hair had grown darker and richer in the shadows that draped over it; her eyes, though you could tell they had cried bitter tears, now held a thoughtful, spiritual expression that made you ponder their depth, making you look—and look again. The added dignity to her face had also influenced her posture. I can't say if she had actually grown taller since having her child, but she certainly looked like she had. And even though she lived in a very modest home, there was something about her, or the people she had been with in recent years, that transformed her so much that, six or seven years ago, it would have been clear she wasn't entirely a lady by birth and education. Now, though, she could stand amongst the highest ranks in the land, and even the most discerning observer would see her as their equal, despite her lack of knowledge about their social norms—an ignorance she would embrace in a simple, child-like manner, unaware of any false shame.
Her whole heart was in her boy. She often feared that she loved him too much—more than God Himself—yet she could not bear to pray to have her love for her child lessened. But she would kneel down by his little bed at night—at the deep, still midnight—with the stars that kept watch over Rizpah shining down upon her, and tell God what I have now told you, that she feared she loved her child too much, yet could not, would not, love him less; and speak to Him of her one treasure as she could speak to no earthly friend. And so, unconsciously, her love for her child led her up to love to God, to the All-knowing, who read her heart.
Her entire heart was devoted to her boy. She often worried that she loved him too much—more than God Himself—yet she couldn’t bring herself to pray to lessen her love for her child. But she would kneel beside his little bed at night—at the quiet, still midnight—with the stars that watched over Rizpah shining down on her, and tell God what I’ve just shared with you: that she was afraid she loved her child too much, yet she could not, and would not, love him less; and she spoke to Him about her one treasure as she could speak to no earthly friend. Thus, without realizing it, her love for her child led her to love God, the All-knowing, who understood her heart.
It might be superstition—I dare say it was—but, somehow, she never lay down to rest without saying, as she looked her last on her boy, "Thy will, not mine, be done;" and even while she trembled and shrank with infinite dread from sounding the depths of what that will might be, she felt as if her treasure were more secure to waken up rosy and bright in the morning, as one over whose slumbers God's holy angels had watched, for the very words which she had turned away in sick terror from realising the night before.
It might be superstition—I guess it was—but somehow, she never went to bed without saying, as she looked at her boy one last time, "Your will, not mine, be done;" and even while she shook and recoiled in fear from the idea of what that will might mean, she felt as if her treasure would be safer to wake up rosy and bright in the morning, as if God's holy angels had been watching over him while he slept, because of the very words she'd turned away from in sick terror the night before.
Her daily absence at her duties to the Bradshaw children only
ministered to her love for Leonard. Everything does minister to love
when its foundation lies deep in a true heart, and it was with an
exquisite pang of delight that, after a moment of vague
fear,
Her daily absence from her responsibilities to the Bradshaw children only fueled her love for Leonard. Everything contributes to love when it’s rooted in a true heart, and it was with a sharp thrill of joy that, after a moment of vague fear,
(Oh, mercy! to myself I said,
If Lucy should be dead!),
(Oh no! I thought,
If Lucy is dead!),
she saw her child's bright face of welcome as he threw open the door every afternoon on her return home. For it was his silently-appointed work to listen for her knock, and rush breathless to let her in. If he were in the garden, or upstairs among the treasures of the lumber-room, either Miss Benson, or her brother, or Sally, would fetch him to his happy little task; no one so sacred as he to the allotted duty. And the joyous meeting was not deadened by custom, to either mother or child.
she saw her child's bright, welcoming face as he threw open the door every afternoon when she came home. It was his unspoken job to listen for her knock and rush, breathless, to let her in. If he was in the garden or upstairs among the treasures of the attic, either Miss Benson, her brother, or Sally would bring him to his happy little task; no one was as special as he for this important duty. And the joyful reunion never lost its excitement for either mother or child.
Ruth gave the Bradshaws the highest satisfaction, as Mr Bradshaw often said both to her and to the Bensons; indeed, she rather winced under his pompous approbation. But his favourite recreation was patronising; and when Ruth saw how quietly and meekly Mr Benson submitted to gifts and praise, when an honest word of affection, or a tacit, implied acknowledgment of equality, would have been worth everything said and done, she tried to be more meek in spirit, and to recognise the good that undoubtedly existed in Mr Bradshaw. He was richer and more prosperous than ever;—a keen, far-seeing man of business, with an undisguised contempt for all who failed in the success which he had achieved. But it was not alone those who were less fortunate in obtaining wealth than himself that he visited with severity of judgment; every moral error or delinquency came under his unsparing comment. Stained by no vice himself, either in his own eyes or in that of any human being who cared to judge him, having nicely and wisely proportioned and adapted his means to his ends, he could afford to speak and act with a severity which was almost sanctimonious in its ostentation of thankfulness as to himself. Not a misfortune or a sin was brought to light but Mr Bradshaw could trace it to its cause in some former mode of action, which he had long ago foretold would lead to shame. If another's son turned out wild or bad, Mr Bradshaw had little sympathy; it might have been prevented by a stricter rule, or more religious life at home; young Richard Bradshaw was quiet and steady, and other fathers might have had sons like him if they had taken the same pains to enforce obedience. Richard was an only son, and yet Mr Bradshaw might venture to say, he had never had his own way in his life. Mrs Bradshaw was, he confessed (Mr Bradshaw did not dislike confessing his wife's errors), rather less firm than he should have liked with the girls; and with some people, he believed, Jemima was rather headstrong; but to his wishes she had always shown herself obedient. All children were obedient, if their parents were decided and authoritative; and every one would turn out well, if properly managed. If they did not prove good, they must take the consequences of their errors.
Ruth brought the Bradshaws the highest satisfaction, as Mr. Bradshaw often mentioned both to her and to the Bensons; in fact, she felt a bit uncomfortable with his pompous praise. But he loved to be condescending; and when Ruth observed how quietly and submissively Mr. Benson accepted gifts and compliments, when even a simple word of affection or a hint of acknowledgment of equality would have meant everything, she tried to be more humble and to recognize the good in Mr. Bradshaw. He was wealthier and more successful than ever—a sharp, insightful businessman with open disdain for anyone who didn’t achieve the same success. But it wasn't just those who were less fortunate financially that he judged harshly; every moral failure or wrongdoing fell under his harsh critique. Free from any vice in his own eyes or in the judgment of anyone who cared to assess him, having skillfully aligned his means with his goals, he felt entitled to speak and act with a severity that almost had a sanctimonious air in its show of gratitude for himself. No misfortune or sin was revealed without Mr. Bradshaw tracing it back to some previous action he had long ago predicted would lead to shame. If another person's child acted out or turned bad, Mr. Bradshaw offered little sympathy; it could have been avoided with stricter rules or a more religious home life. Young Richard Bradshaw was quiet and steady, and he believed other fathers could have raised sons like him if they had been as diligent in enforcing obedience. Richard was an only child, yet Mr. Bradshaw felt confident in saying he had never gotten his way in life. Mrs. Bradshaw was, he admitted (Mr. Bradshaw didn’t mind acknowledging his wife’s shortcomings), somewhat less strict than he would have liked with the girls; and with some people, he believed Jemima was a bit headstrong. However, she had always been obedient to his wishes. All children are obedient if their parents are decisive and assertive; and everyone would turn out well if managed correctly. If they didn’t turn out good, they had to face the consequences of their mistakes.
Mrs Bradshaw murmured faintly at her husband when his back was turned; but if his voice was heard, or his footsteps sounded in the distance, she was mute, and hurried her children into the attitude or action most pleasing to their father. Jemima, it is true, rebelled against this manner of proceeding, which savoured to her a little of deceit; but even she had not, as yet, overcome her awe of her father sufficiently to act independently of him, and according to her own sense of right—or rather, I should say, according to her own warm, passionate impulses. Before him the wilfulness which made her dark eyes blaze out at times was hushed and still; he had no idea of her self-tormenting, no notion of the almost southern jealousy which seemed to belong to her brunette complexion. Jemima was not pretty; the flatness and shortness of her face made her almost plain; yet most people looked twice at her expressive countenance, at the eyes which flamed or melted at every trifle, at the rich colour which came at every expressed emotion into her usually sallow face, at the faultless teeth which made her smile like a sunbeam. But then, again, when she thought she was not kindly treated, when a suspicion crossed her mind, or when she was angry with herself, her lips were tight-pressed together, her colour was wan and almost livid, and a stormy gloom clouded her eyes as with a film. But before her father her words were few, and he did not notice looks or tones.
Mrs. Bradshaw softly murmured to her husband when his back was turned; but if he spoke or she heard his footsteps nearby, she quickly silenced herself and hurried her children into the positions or actions that would please him. Jemima often resisted this way of doing things, feeling it was a bit deceitful; yet she hadn’t completely overcome her fear of her father enough to act on her own sense of what was right—or rather, I should say, her own strong, passionate feelings. In front of him, the stubbornness that made her dark eyes flare at times was subdued; he had no idea of her self-inflicted pain, nor any understanding of the almost southern jealousy that seemed to come with her darker complexion. Jemima wasn't conventionally pretty; the flatness and shortness of her face made her nearly plain; yet most people would look twice at her expressive face, at the eyes that lit up or softened with every little thing, at the deep color that would flush her usually pale face when emotions showed, and at her perfect teeth, which made her smile shine like a sunbeam. However, when she felt she wasn’t treated kindly, when doubt crept in, or when she was upset with herself, her lips pressed tightly together, her color drained and almost gray, and a stormy gloom shadowed her eyes. But in front of her father, she spoke little, and he didn’t notice her expressions or tones.
Her brother Richard had been equally silent before his father in boyhood and early youth; but since he had gone to be clerk in a London house, preparatory to assuming his place as junior partner in Mr Bradshaw's business, he spoke more on his occasional visits at home. And very proper and highly moral was his conversation; set sentences of goodness, which were like the flowers that children stick in the ground, and that have not sprung upwards from roots—deep down in the hidden life and experience of the heart. He was as severe a judge as his father of other people's conduct, but you felt that Mr Bradshaw was sincere in his condemnation of all outward error and vice, and that he would try himself by the same laws as he tried others; somehow, Richard's words were frequently heard with a lurking distrust, and many shook their heads over the pattern son; but then it was those whose sons had gone astray, and been condemned, in no private or tender manner, by Mr Bradshaw, so it might be revenge in them. Still, Jemima felt that all was not right; her heart sympathised in the rebellion against his father's commands, which her brother had confessed to her in an unusual moment of confidence, but her uneasy conscience condemned the deceit which he had practised.
Her brother Richard had also been quiet around their father during his childhood and teenage years; but since he had taken a job as a clerk at a London firm, getting ready to become a junior partner in Mr. Bradshaw's business, he talked more during his occasional visits home. His conversations were very proper and moral, filled with set phrases about goodness, like the flowers kids stick in the ground that haven't actually grown from deep roots in the hidden life and experiences of the heart. He judged other people's actions as harshly as his father did, but you could tell that Mr. Bradshaw was genuine in his disapproval of all outward wrongdoing and would hold himself to the same standards he applied to others; however, Richard’s words often came across with an underlying distrust, and many people shook their heads at the so-called perfect son. But those were likely the parents whose own children had gone off course and had been harshly judged by Mr. Bradshaw, so it could have been their way of getting back at him. Still, Jemima sensed something wasn't right; her heart resonated with the rebellion against their father's commands that Richard had admitted to her in a rare moment of honesty, but her uneasy conscience condemned the dishonesty he had shown.
The brother and sister were sitting alone over a blazing Christmas fire, and Jemima held an old newspaper in her hand to shield her face from the hot light. They were talking of family events, when, during a pause, Jemima's eye caught the name of a great actor, who had lately given prominence and life to a character in one of Shakspeare's plays. The criticism in the paper was fine, and warmed Jemima's heart.
The brother and sister were sitting alone by a roaring Christmas fire, and Jemima held an old newspaper in her hand to protect her face from the bright light. They were discussing family events when, during a lull in the conversation, Jemima noticed the name of a famous actor who had recently brought a character in one of Shakespeare’s plays to life. The review in the paper was excellent and brought warmth to Jemima's heart.
"How I should like to see a play!" exclaimed she.
"How I'd love to see a play!" she exclaimed.
"Should you?" said her brother, listlessly.
"Should you?" her brother said, uninterested.
"Yes, to be sure! Just hear this!" and she began to read a fine passage of criticism.
"Yes, definitely! Just listen to this!" and she started reading a great piece of criticism.
"Those newspaper people can make an article out of anything," said he, yawning. "I've seen the man myself, and it was all very well, but nothing to make such a fuss about."
"Those newspaper folks can turn anything into a story," he said, yawning. "I've seen the guy myself, and it was all fine, but not something to get all worked up over."
"You! you seen ——! Have you seen a play, Richard? Oh, why did you never tell me before? Tell me all about it! Why did you never name seeing —— in your letters?"
"You! Have you seen a play, Richard? Oh, why didn't you tell me before? Share all the details! Why didn't you mention seeing it in your letters?"
He half smiled, contemptuously enough. "Oh! at first it strikes one rather, but after a while one cares no more for the theatre than one does for mince-pies."
He half-smiled, with a hint of contempt. "Oh! At first, it catches your attention, but after a while, you care about the theater as much as you do about mince pies."
"Oh, I wish I might go to London!" said Jemima, impatiently. "I've a great mind to ask papa to let me go to the George Smiths', and then I could see ——. I would not think him like mince-pies."
"Oh, I wish I could go to London!" said Jemima, impatiently. "I'm really thinking about asking Dad to let me visit the George Smiths', and then I could see ——. I wouldn't think of him like mince pies."
"You must not do any such thing!" said Richard, now neither yawning nor contemptuous. "My father would never allow you to go to the theatre; and the George Smiths are such old fogeys—they would be sure to tell."
"You can't do that!" Richard said, now neither yawning nor looking down on it. "My dad would never let you go to the theater, and the George Smiths are such old-timers—they would definitely spill the beans."
"How do you go, then? Does my father give you leave?"
"How are you leaving, then? Does my dad give you permission?"
"Oh! many things are right for men which are not for girls."
"Oh! there are many things that are acceptable for guys that aren't for girls."
Jemima sat and pondered. Richard wished he had not been so confidential.
Jemima sat and thought. Richard wished he hadn't been so open.
"You need not name it," said he, rather anxiously.
"You don't have to name it," he said, a bit nervously.
"Name what?" said she, startled, for her thoughts had gone far afield.
"Name what?" she said, surprised, because her thoughts had wandered far away.
"Oh, name my going once or twice to the theatre!"
"Oh, just think of me going to the theater once or twice!"
"No, I shan't name it!" said she. "No one here would care to hear it."
"No, I won’t say it!" she said. "No one here would want to hear it."
But it was with some little surprise, and almost with a feeling of disgust, that she heard Richard join with her father in condemning some one, and add to Mr Bradshaw's list of offences, by alleging that the young man was a playgoer. He did not think his sister heard his words.
But she was a bit surprised, and almost felt disgusted, when she heard Richard agree with their father in condemning someone, adding to Mr. Bradshaw's list of offenses by saying that the young man was someone who went to the theater. He didn’t think his sister heard him say that.
Mary and Elizabeth were the two girls whom Ruth had in charge; they resembled Jemima more than their brother in character. The household rules were occasionally a little relaxed in their favour, for Mary, the elder, was nearly eight years younger than Jemima, and three intermediate children had died. They loved Ruth dearly, made a great pet of Leonard, and had many profound secrets together, most of which related to their wonders if Jemima and Mr Farquhar would ever be married. They watched their sister closely; and every day had some fresh confidence to make to each other, confirming or discouraging to their hopes.
Mary and Elizabeth were the two girls who Ruth looked after; they were more like Jemima in personality than their brother. The household rules were sometimes a bit relaxed for them because Mary, the older one, was almost eight years younger than Jemima, and three other children had died. They adored Ruth, really liked Leonard, and shared many deep secrets, most of which were about their curiosity regarding whether Jemima and Mr. Farquhar would ever get married. They kept a close eye on their sister, and each day brought new confidences to share, either boosting or dampening their hopes.
Ruth rose early, and shared the household work with Sally and Miss Benson till seven; and then she helped Leonard to dress, and had a quiet time alone with him till prayers and breakfast. At nine she was to be at Mr Bradshaw's house. She sat in the room with Mary and Elizabeth during the Latin, the writing, and arithmetic lessons, which they received from masters; then she read, and walked with them, they clinging to her as to an elder sister; she dined with her pupils at the family lunch, and reached home by four. That happy home—those quiet days!
Ruth got up early and helped with the household chores alongside Sally and Miss Benson until seven. Then she assisted Leonard in getting dressed and enjoyed some quiet time alone with him until it was time for prayers and breakfast. She was supposed to be at Mr. Bradshaw's house by nine. She spent time in the room with Mary and Elizabeth during their Latin, writing, and arithmetic lessons, which they learned from their teachers; after that, she read with them and took walks while they clung to her like an older sister. She had lunch with her students at the family meal and made it home by four. Those were such happy times in that peaceful home!
And so the peaceful days passed on into weeks, and months, and years, and Ruth and Leonard grew and strengthened into the riper beauty of their respective ages; while as yet no touch of decay had come on the quaint, primitive elders of the household.
And so the peaceful days turned into weeks, then months, and years, and Ruth and Leonard grew and blossomed into the fuller beauty of their ages; while the charming, old-fashioned elders of the household still showed no signs of aging.
CHAPTER XX
Jemima Refuses to Be Managed
It was no wonder that the lookers-on were perplexed as to the state of affairs between Jemima and Mr Farquhar, for they too were sorely puzzled themselves at the sort of relationship between them. Was it love, or was it not? that was the question in Mr Farquhar's mind. He hoped it was not; he believed it was not; and yet he felt as if it were. There was something preposterous, he thought, in a man nearly forty years of age being in love with a girl of twenty. He had gone on reasoning through all the days of his manhood on the idea of a staid, noble-minded wife, grave and sedate, the fit companion in experience of her husband. He had spoken with admiration of reticent characters, full of self-control and dignity; and he hoped—he trusted, that all this time he had not been allowing himself unconsciously to fall in love with a wild-hearted, impetuous girl, who knew nothing of life beyond her father's house, and who chafed under the strict discipline enforced there. For it was rather a suspicious symptom of the state of Mr Farquhar's affections, that he had discovered the silent rebellion which continued in Jemima's heart, unperceived by any of her own family, against the severe laws and opinions of her father. Mr Farquhar shared in these opinions; but in him they were modified, and took a milder form. Still, he approved of much that Mr Bradshaw did and said; and this made it all the more strange that he should wince so for Jemima, whenever anything took place which he instinctively knew that she would dislike. After an evening at Mr Bradshaw's, when Jemima had gone to the very verge of questioning or disputing some of her father's severe judgments, Mr Farquhar went home in a dissatisfied, restless state of mind, which he was almost afraid to analyse. He admired the inflexible integrity—and almost the pomp of principle—evinced by Mr Bradshaw on every occasion; he wondered how it was that Jemima could not see how grand a life might be, whose every action was shaped in obedience to some eternal law; instead of which, he was afraid she rebelled against every law, and was only guided by impulse. Mr Farquhar had been taught to dread impulses as promptings of the devil. Sometimes, if he tried to present her father's opinions before her in another form, so as to bring himself and her rather more into that state of agreement he longed for, she flashed out upon him with the indignation of difference that she dared not show to, or before, her father, as if she had some diviner instinct which taught her more truly than they knew, with all their experience; at least, in her first expressions there seemed something good and fine; but opposition made her angry and irritable, and the arguments which he was constantly provoking (whenever he was with her in her father's absence) frequently ended in some vehemence of expression on her part that offended Mr Farquhar, who did not see how she expiated her anger in tears and self-reproaches when alone in her chamber. Then he would lecture himself severely on the interest he could not help feeling in a wilful girl; he would determine not to interfere with her opinions in future, and yet, the very next time they differed, he strove to argue her into harmony with himself, in spite of all resolutions to the contrary.
It was no surprise that the onlookers were confused about the situation between Jemima and Mr. Farquhar, as they too were seriously puzzled by their relationship. Was it love or wasn't it? That was the question on Mr. Farquhar's mind. He hoped it wasn't; he believed it wasn't; and yet he couldn't shake the feeling that it was. He thought it was absurd for a man nearly forty to be in love with a twenty-year-old girl. Throughout his adult life, he had envisioned a sensible, noble-minded wife who was serious and steady, a fitting companion for him. He had admired reserved individuals, full of self-control and dignity; and he hoped—he trusted—that all this time he hadn't been unknowingly falling for a wild-hearted, impulsive girl who knew nothing of life beyond her father's house and who chafed under the strict rules imposed there. It was rather telling of Mr. Farquhar's feelings that he recognized the quiet rebellion in Jemima’s heart, unnoticed by her family, against her father's harsh laws and views. Mr. Farquhar shared some of those views; however, they were softened in him and took on a gentler form. Still, he approved of much of what Mr. Bradshaw said and did, which made it all the more puzzling that he felt such discomfort for Jemima whenever something happened that he instinctively knew she would dislike. After an evening at Mr. Bradshaw's, where Jemima had come close to challenging some of her father's harsh judgments, Mr. Farquhar returned home in a dissatisfied, restless state of mind that he was almost afraid to analyze. He admired Mr. Bradshaw's unwavering integrity—and almost the grandiosity of principle—shown on every occasion; he wondered why Jemima couldn't see how noble a life could be if every action was shaped by some timeless law; instead, he feared she resisted every law and followed only her impulses. Mr. Farquhar had been taught to fear impulses as temptations of the devil. Sometimes, when he tried to present her father's opinions in a different light, hoping to align himself with her more, she would react with a passionate indignation that she wouldn't dare show to her father, as if she had a deeper instinct guiding her more accurately than they ever could, despite their experience; at least, in her initial reactions, there seemed to be something good and noble; but opposition made her angry and irritable, and the discussions they often ended up having (whenever they were together without her father) frequently resulted in some outburst from her that offended Mr. Farquhar, who didn't see how she sought to atone for her anger in tears and self-blame when she was alone in her room. Then he would scold himself harshly for being interested in a headstrong girl; he tried to resolve not to interfere with her opinions again, and yet, the very next time they disagreed, he found himself trying to argue her into agreement with him, despite all his promises to himself not to.
Mr Bradshaw saw just enough of this interest which Jemima had excited in his partner's mind, to determine him in considering their future marriage as a settled affair. The fitness of the thing had long ago struck him; her father's partner—so the fortune he meant to give her might continue in the business; a man of such steadiness of character, and such a capital eye for a desirable speculation as Mr Farquhar—just the right age to unite the paternal with the conjugal affection, and consequently the very man for Jemima, who had something unruly in her, which might break out under a régime less wisely adjusted to the circumstances than was Mr Bradshaw's (in his own opinion)—a house ready-furnished, at a convenient distance from her home—no near relations on Mr Farquhar's side, who might be inclined to consider his residence as their own for an indefinite time, and so add to the household expenses—in short, what could be more suitable in every way? Mr Bradshaw respected the very self-restraint he thought he saw in Mr Farquhar's demeanour, attributing it to a wise desire to wait until trade should be rather more slack, and the man of business more at leisure to become the lover.
Mr. Bradshaw noticed just enough of the interest that Jemima had sparked in his partner's mind to conclude that their future marriage was a done deal. He had long recognized how fitting it was; her father’s partner—this way, the fortune he planned to give her would stay in the business. Mr. Farquhar was a man of solid character and had a great eye for a good investment—just the right age to balance paternal affection with marital love, making him the perfect match for Jemima, who had a rebellious streak that might surface under a setup less carefully tailored to her needs than Mr. Bradshaw's (in his own opinion). A ready-furnished home at a convenient distance from her family, no close relatives on Mr. Farquhar’s side who might take over the house indefinitely and increase household costs—in short, what could be more ideal? Mr. Bradshaw admired the self-restraint he thought he saw in Mr. Farquhar's behavior, believing it was a thoughtful choice to wait until business slowed down a bit, allowing the businessman to have the time to become a lover.
As for Jemima, at times she thought she almost hated Mr Farquhar.
As for Jemima, there were times when she felt like she almost hated Mr. Farquhar.
"What business has he," she would think, "to lecture me? Often I can hardly bear it from papa, and I will not bear it from him. He treats me just like a child, and as if I should lose all my present opinions when I know more of the world. I am sure I should like never to know the world, if it was to make me think as he does, hard man that he is! I wonder what made him take Jem Brown on as gardener again, if he does not believe that above one criminal in a thousand is restored to goodness. I'll ask him, some day, if that was not acting on impulse rather than principle. Poor impulse! how you do get abused. But I will tell Mr Farquhar I will not let him interfere with me. If I do what papa bids me, no one has a right to notice whether I do it willingly or not."
"What right does he have," she thought, "to lecture me? I can barely tolerate it from Dad, and I won’t stand for it from him. He treats me like a child, as if all my current opinions will disappear once I know more about the world. Honestly, I think I’d prefer to never know about the world if it means thinking like he does—what a cruel man he is! I wonder why he hired Jem Brown as a gardener again if he doesn't believe that more than one in a thousand criminals can change for the better. I'll ask him one day if that was just a spur-of-the-moment decision rather than a thoughtful principle. Poor impulse! You really get mistreated. But I will tell Mr. Farquhar that I won’t let him interfere with me. If I do what Dad wants, no one has the right to care whether I do it willingly or not."
So then she tried to defy Mr Farquhar, by doing and saying things that she knew he would disapprove. She went so far that he was seriously grieved, and did not even remonstrate and "lecture," and then she was disappointed and irritated; for, somehow, with all her indignation at interference, she liked to be lectured by him; not that she was aware of this liking of hers, but still it would have been more pleasant to be scolded than so quietly passed over. Her two little sisters, with their wide-awake eyes, had long ago put things together, and conjectured. Every day they had some fresh mystery together, to be imparted in garden walks and whispered talks.
So, she tried to go against Mr. Farquhar by doing and saying things she knew he wouldn’t approve of. She pushed it so far that he was genuinely upset and didn’t even try to argue or give her a lecture. That left her feeling disappointed and annoyed; because, despite her anger at being controlled, she actually liked being lectured by him. She wasn’t fully aware of this preference, but still, it would have felt better to be scolded than to be ignored so calmly. Her two little sisters, with their curious eyes, had figured things out long ago and were always guessing. Every day, they came up with a new mystery to share during their walks in the garden and in their whispered conversations.
"Lizzie, did you see how the tears came into Mimie's eyes when Mr Farquhar looked so displeased when she said good people were always dull? I think she's in love." Mary said the last words with grave emphasis, and felt like an oracle of twelve years of age.
"Lizzie, did you see the tears in Mimie's eyes when Mr. Farquhar looked so upset after she said that good people are always boring? I think she's in love." Mary said the last words with serious emphasis, feeling like a wise oracle at twelve years old.
"I don't," said Lizzie. "I know I cry often enough when papa is cross, and I'm not in love with him."
"I don't," Lizzie said. "I know I cry pretty often when Dad is upset, and I'm not in love with him."
"Yes! but you don't look as Mimie did."
"Yes! But you don't look like Mimie did."
"Don't call her Mimie—you know papa does not like it."
"Don't call her Mimie—you know Dad doesn't like that."
"Yes; but there are so many things papa does not like I can never remember them all. Never mind about that; but listen to something I've got to tell you, if you'll never, never tell."
"Yeah, but there are so many things Dad doesn't like that I can never remember them all. Forget about that; just listen to something I need to tell you, but you have to promise you'll never tell anyone."
"No, indeed I won't, Mary. What is it?"
"No, I definitely won't, Mary. What is it?"
"Not to Mrs Denbigh?"
"Not to Mrs. Denbigh?"
"No, not even to Mrs Denbigh."
"No, not even to Mrs. Denbigh."
"Well, then, the other day—last Friday, Mimie—"
"Well, the other day—last Friday, Mimie—"
"Jemima!" interrupted the more conscientious Elizabeth.
"Jemima!" interrupted the more responsible Elizabeth.
"Jemima, if it must be so," jerked out Mary, "sent me to her desk for an envelope, and what do you think I saw?"
"Jemima, if it has to be this way," Mary said abruptly, "sent me to her desk for an envelope, and guess what I saw?"
"What?" asked Elizabeth, expecting nothing less than a red-hot Valentine, signed Walter Farquhar, pro Bradshaw, Farquhar, and Co., in full.
"What?" asked Elizabeth, expecting nothing less than a fiery Valentine's card, signed Walter Farquhar, pro Bradshaw, Farquhar, and Co., in full.
"Why, a piece of paper, with dull-looking lines upon it, just like the scientific dialogues; and I remembered all about it. It was once when Mr Farquhar had been telling us that a bullet does not go in a straight line, but in a something curve, and he drew some lines on a piece of paper; and Mimie—"
"Why, a piece of paper, with boring-looking lines on it, just like the scientific discussions; and I recalled everything about it. It was when Mr. Farquhar was explaining that a bullet doesn’t travel in a straight line but rather in a curved path, and he sketched some lines on a piece of paper; and Mimi—
"Jemima," put in Elizabeth.
"Jemima," Elizabeth added.
"Well, well! she had treasured it up, and written in a corner, 'W. F., April 3rd.' Now, that's rather like love, is not it? For Jemima hates useful information just as much as I do, and that's saying a great deal; and yet she had kept this paper, and dated it."
"Well, well! She had saved it and wrote in the corner, 'W. F., April 3rd.' Now, that's pretty much like love, isn’t it? Because Jemima hates useful information just as much as I do, and that’s saying a lot; yet she had held onto this paper and dated it."
"If that's all, I know Dick keeps a paper with Miss Benson's name written on it, and yet he's not in love with her; and perhaps Jemima may like Mr Farquhar, and he may not like her. It seems such a little while since her hair was turned up, and he has always been a grave middle-aged man ever since I can recollect; and then, have you never noticed how often he finds fault with her—almost lectures her?"
"If that's everything, I know Dick keeps a note with Miss Benson's name on it, yet he doesn't love her; and maybe Jemima likes Mr. Farquhar, but he might not feel the same way. It feels like it was just a short time ago that her hair was styled up, and he has always been a serious middle-aged man for as long as I can remember; and have you ever noticed how often he criticizes her—he almost lectures her?"
"To be sure," said Mary; "but he may be in love, for all that. Just think how often papa lectures mamma; and yet, of course, they're in love with each other."
"Sure," Mary said, "but he might be in love, despite that. Just think about how often Dad lectures Mom; and yet, they’re clearly in love with each other."
"Well! we shall see," said Elizabeth.
"Well! We'll see," Elizabeth said.
Poor Jemima little thought of the four sharp eyes that watched her daily course while she sat alone, as she fancied, with her secret in her own room. For, in a passionate fit of grieving, at the impatient, hasty temper which had made her so seriously displease Mr Farquhar that he had gone away without remonstrance, without more leave-taking than a distant bow, she had begun to suspect that rather than not be noticed at all by him, rather than be an object of indifference to him—oh! far rather would she be an object of anger and upbraiding; and the thoughts that followed this confession to herself, stunned and bewildered her; and for once that they made her dizzy with hope, ten times they made her sick with fear. For an instant she planned to become and to be all he could wish her; to change her very nature for him. And then a great gush of pride came over her, and she set her teeth tight together, and determined that he should either love her as she was, or not at all. Unless he could take her with all her faults, she would not care for his regard; "love" was too noble a word to call such cold, calculating feeling as his must be, who went about with a pattern idea in his mind, trying to find a wife to match. Besides, there was something degrading, Jemima thought, in trying to alter herself to gain the love of any human creature. And yet, if he did not care for her, if this late indifference were to last, what a great shroud was drawn over life! Could she bear it?
Poor Jemima had no idea that four sharp eyes were watching her every move while she sat alone, as she thought, with her secret in her own room. In a moment of passionate grief over her hasty temper, which had upset Mr. Farquhar to the point that he left without a word or more than a distant bow, she began to realize that she would prefer to be noticed by him—even if it meant being the target of his anger—rather than being ignored. The thoughts that followed this admission stunned and confused her. For every moment her heart raced with hope, ten flooded her with fear. For a brief second, she imagined becoming everything he wanted; changing her very nature for him. Then a wave of pride washed over her, and she clenched her teeth, deciding that he should either love her as she was or not at all. If he couldn't accept her flaws, she wouldn't want his affection. "Love" was too noble a word to describe the cold, calculating feelings he must have, going around with a specific ideal in mind, searching for a wife who fit. Besides, Jemima thought it was degrading to try to change herself just to win someone's love. And yet, if he didn't care for her, if this indifference continued, what a heavy shadow it cast over her life! Could she endure it?
From the agony she dared not look at, but which she was going to risk encountering, she was aroused by the presence of her mother.
From the pain she didn't want to face, but that she was about to confront, she was awakened by her mother's presence.
"Jemima! your father wants to speak to you in the dining-room."
"Jemima! Your dad wants to talk to you in the dining room."
"What for?" asked the girl.
"What for?" the girl asked.
"Oh! he is fidgeted by something Mr Farquhar said to me, and which I repeated. I am sure I thought there was no harm in it, and your father always likes me to tell him what everybody says in his absence."
"Oh! He's bothered by something Mr. Farquhar told me, which I repeated. I really thought it was harmless, and your dad always wants me to share what everyone says when he's not around."
Jemima went with a heavy heart into her father's presence.
Jemima walked into her father's presence with a heavy heart.
He was walking up and down the room, and did not see her at first.
He was pacing back and forth in the room and didn’t see her at first.
"Oh, Jemima! is that you? Has your mother told you what I want to speak to you about?"
"Oh, Jemima! Is that you? Has your mom told you what I want to talk to you about?"
"No!" said Jemima. "Not exactly."
"No!" Jemima said. "Not quite."
"She has been telling me what proves to me how very seriously you must have displeased and offended Mr Farquhar, before he could have expressed himself to her as he did, when he left the house. You know what he said?"
"She has been telling me how seriously you must have upset and offended Mr. Farquhar for him to have spoken to her the way he did when he left the house. Do you know what he said?"
"No!" said Jemima, her heart swelling within her. "He has no right to say anything about me." She was desperate, or she durst not have said this before her father.
"No!" Jemima said, her heart racing. "He has no right to say anything about me." She was desperate, or she wouldn’t have said this in front of her father.
"No right!—what do you mean, Jemima?" said Mr Bradshaw, turning sharp round. "Surely you must know that I hope he may one day be your husband; that is to say, if you prove yourself worthy of the excellent training I have given you. I cannot suppose Mr Farquhar would take any undisciplined girl as a wife."
"No way!—what are you talking about, Jemima?" said Mr. Bradshaw, spinning around angrily. "You must know that I hope he might one day be your husband; that is, if you prove yourself worthy of the great training I've given you. I can't imagine Mr. Farquhar would marry any girl who isn't disciplined."
Jemima held tight by a chair near which she was standing. She did not speak; her father was pleased by her silence—it was the way in which he liked his projects to be received.
Jemima held on tightly to a chair next to her. She didn't say anything; her father was happy with her silence—it was the way he preferred his projects to be received.
"But you cannot suppose," he continued, "that Mr Farquhar will consent to marry you—"
"But you can't think," he continued, "that Mr. Farquhar will agree to marry you—
"Consent to marry me!" repeated Jemima, in a low tone of brooding indignation; were those the terms upon which her rich woman's heart was to be given, with a calm consent of acquiescent acceptance, but a little above resignation on the part of the receiver?
"Consent to marry me!" Jemima repeated, her voice low and filled with simmering anger. Was that really how her wealthy heart was supposed to be offered—just as a quiet agreement, slightly more than mere resignation from the person receiving it?
—"if you give way to a temper which, although you have never dared to show it to me, I am well aware exists, although I hoped the habits of self-examination I had instilled had done much to cure you of manifesting it. At one time, Richard promised to be the more headstrong of the two; now, I must desire you to take pattern by him. Yes," he continued, falling into his old train of thought, "it would be a most fortunate connexion for you in every way. I should have you under my own eye, and could still assist you in the formation of your character, and I should be at hand to strengthen and confirm your principles. Mr Farquhar's connexion with the firm would be convenient and agreeable to me in a pecuniary point of view. He—" Mr Bradshaw was going on in his enumeration of the advantages which he in particular, and Jemima in the second place, would derive from this marriage, when his daughter spoke, at first so low that he could not hear her, as he walked up and down the room with his creaking boots, and he had to stop to listen.
—"If you give in to a temper that, even though you've never shown it to me, I know exists, I had hoped that the self-reflection habits I taught you would help you stop showing it. At one point, Richard seemed like he would be the more stubborn of the two; now, I want you to take a cue from him. Yes," he continued, getting back into his old train of thought, "it would be a very favorable connection for you in every way. I would have you under my direct observation, and I could still help you shape your character, plus I'd be there to reinforce your principles. Mr. Farquhar's connection with the firm would also be advantageous and pleasant for me financially. He—" Mr. Bradshaw was continuing his list of the benefits that he, and Jemima in the second place, would gain from this marriage when his daughter spoke up, at first so quietly that he couldn’t hear her while he walked back and forth in the room with his creaking boots, and he had to stop to listen.
"Has Mr Farquhar ever spoken to you about it?" Jemima's cheek was flushed as she asked the question; she wished that she might have been the person to whom he had first addressed himself.
"Has Mr. Farquhar ever talked to you about it?" Jemima's cheeks were flushed as she asked the question; she wished she could have been the one he spoke to first.
Mr Bradshaw answered,
Mr. Bradshaw replied,
"No, not spoken. It has been implied between us for some time. At least, I have been so aware of his intentions that I have made several allusions, in the course of business, to it, as a thing that might take place. He can hardly have misunderstood; he must have seen that I perceived his design, and approved of it," said Mr Bradshaw, rather doubtfully; as he remembered how very little, in fact, passed between him and his partner which could have reference to the subject, to any but a mind prepared to receive it. Perhaps Mr Farquhar had not really thought of it; but then again, that would imply that his own penetration had been mistaken, a thing not impossible certainly, but quite beyond the range of probability. So he reassured himself, and (as he thought) his daughter, by saying,
"No, not directly. It's been hinted at between us for a while. At least, I’ve been so aware of his intentions that I’ve made several references, during business, to it as something that could happen. He can’t have misunderstood; he must have realized that I understood his plan and was on board with it," Mr. Bradshaw said, somewhat uncertainly, as he recalled how little actually passed between him and his partner that could relate to the topic, except for someone already open to it. Perhaps Mr. Farquhar hadn’t really considered it; but then again, that would suggest that his own insights were wrong, which is certainly possible, but quite unlikely. So he reassured himself, and (as he thought) his daughter, by saying,
"The whole thing is so suitable—the advantages arising from the connexion are so obvious; besides which, I am quite aware, from many little speeches of Mr Farquhar's, that he contemplates marriage at no very distant time; and he seldom leaves Eccleston, and visits few families besides our own—certainly, none that can compare with ours in the advantages you have all received in moral and religious training." But then Mr Bradshaw was checked in his implied praises of himself (and only himself could be his martingale when he once set out on such a career) by a recollection that Jemima must not feel too secure, as she might become if he dwelt too much on the advantages of her being her father's daughter. Accordingly, he said: "But you must be aware, Jemima, that you do very little credit to the education I have given you, when you make such an impression as you must have done to-day, before Mr Farquhar could have said what he did of you!"
"The whole situation is so fitting—the benefits of the connection are clear; besides, I know from several of Mr. Farquhar's comments that he’s considering marriage soon. He rarely leaves Eccleston and hardly visits anyone other than our family—definitely, no one can match the advantages you've all gained from your moral and religious upbringing." But then Mr. Bradshaw held back on his implied self-praise (since only he could be his own support in such a venture) when he remembered that Jemima shouldn’t feel too comfortable, as she might if he focused too much on the benefits of being her father's daughter. So, he said: "But you should know, Jemima, that you really don't reflect well on the education I've given you when you leave such an impression as you must have today, before Mr. Farquhar could have said what he did about you!"
"What did he say?" asked Jemima, still in the low, husky tone of suppressed anger.
"What did he say?" Jemima asked, still using a quiet, husky voice filled with suppressed anger.
"Your mother says he remarked to her, 'What a pity it is, that Jemima cannot maintain her opinions without going into a passion; and what a pity it is, that her opinions are such as to sanction, rather than curb, these fits of rudeness and anger!'"
"Your mother says he told her, 'What a shame that Jemima can't hold onto her opinions without losing her temper; and what a shame that her opinions encourage, rather than control, these outbursts of rudeness and anger!'"
"Did he say that?" said Jemima, in a still lower tone, not questioning her father, but speaking rather to herself.
"Did he really say that?" Jemima asked, her voice even softer, not questioning her father but more speaking to herself.
"I have no doubt he did," replied her father, gravely. "Your mother is in the habit of repeating accurately to me what takes place in my absence; besides which, the whole speech is not one of hers; she has not altered a word in the repetition, I am convinced. I have trained her to habits of accuracy very unusual in a woman."
"I’m sure he did," her father replied seriously. "Your mother usually tells me exactly what happens when I'm not there; plus, this whole speech isn't really hers; she hasn't changed a single word in the retelling, I'm certain of it. I've taught her to be precise in a way that's quite rare for a woman."
At another time, Jemima might have been inclined to rebel against this system of carrying constant intelligence to headquarters, which she had long ago felt as an insurmountable obstacle to any free communication with her mother; but now, her father's means of acquiring knowledge faded into insignificance before the nature of the information he imparted. She stood quite still, grasping the chair-back, longing to be dismissed.
At another time, Jemima might have wanted to push back against this system of constantly reporting to headquarters, which she had long seen as an unmovable barrier to any open communication with her mother; but now, her father's methods of gathering information seemed trivial compared to the type of information he was sharing. She stood completely still, gripping the back of the chair, wishing to be let go.
"I have said enough now, I hope, to make you behave in a becoming manner to Mr Farquhar; if your temper is too unruly to be always under your own control, at least have respect to my injunctions, and take some pains to curb it before him."
"I’ve said enough now, I hope, to encourage you to act properly around Mr. Farquhar; if your temper is too wild to always keep in check, at least respect my wishes and try to control it when he’s around."
"May I go?" asked Jemima, chafing more and more.
"Can I go?" asked Jemima, getting more and more restless.
"You may," said her father. When she left the room he gently rubbed his hands together, satisfied with the effect he had produced, and wondering how it was, that one so well brought up as his daughter could ever say or do anything to provoke such a remark from Mr Farquhar as that which he had heard repeated.
"You may," her father said. Once she left the room, he softly rubbed his hands together, pleased with the effect he had created, and wondering how someone as well-raised as his daughter could ever say or do anything to provoke a comment like the one he had heard from Mr. Farquhar.
"Nothing can be more gentle and docile than she is when spoken to in the proper manner. I must give Farquhar a hint," said Mr Bradshaw to himself.
"Nothing can be more gentle and easy to handle than she is when you talk to her the right way. I should give Farquhar a clue," Mr. Bradshaw said to himself.
Jemima rushed upstairs, and locked herself into her room. She began pacing up and down at first, without shedding a tear; but then she suddenly stopped, and burst out crying with passionate indignation.
Jemima hurried upstairs and locked herself in her room. At first, she paced back and forth without crying, but then she suddenly stopped and burst into tears with intense frustration.
"So! I am to behave well, not because it is right—not because it is right—but to show off before Mr Farquhar. Oh, Mr Farquhar!" said she, suddenly changing to a sort of upbraiding tone of voice, "I did not think so of you an hour ago. I did not think you could choose a wife in that cold-hearted way, though you did profess to act by rule and line; but you think to have me, do you? because it is fitting and suitable, and you want to be married, and can't spare time for wooing" (she was lashing herself up by an exaggeration of all her father had said). "And how often I have thought you were too grand for me! but now I know better. Now I can believe that all you do is done from calculation; you are good because it adds to your business credit—you talk in that high strain about principle because it sounds well, and is respectable—and even these things are better than your cold way of looking out for a wife, just as you would do for a carpet, to add to your comforts, and settle you respectably. But I won't be that wife. You shall see something of me which shall make you not acquiesce so quietly in the arrangements of the firm." She cried too vehemently to go on thinking or speaking. Then she stopped, and said:
"So! I’m supposed to behave well, not because it’s the right thing—not because it’s right—but to impress Mr. Farquhar. Oh, Mr. Farquhar!" she said, suddenly switching to a scolding tone, "I didn’t think this of you an hour ago. I didn’t think you could choose a wife in such a cold-hearted way, even though you claimed to act by rule and line; but you think you can have me, don’t you? Because it’s suitable and fitting, and you want to get married but don’t have time for romance" (she was riling herself up by exaggerating all her father had said). "And how many times have I thought you were too good for me! But now I see things differently. Now I can believe that everything you do is calculated; you’re nice because it boosts your reputation—you talk about principles in that lofty way because it sounds impressive and respectable—and even those things are better than your cold approach to finding a wife, just like you would for a carpet, to make your life more comfortable and settle you down properly. But I won’t be that wife. You’ll see a side of me that will make you think twice about just going along with the firm’s arrangements." She was so upset that she couldn’t continue thinking or speaking. Then she stopped and said:
"Only an hour ago I was hoping—I don't know what I was hoping—but I thought—oh! how I was deceived!—I thought he had a true, deep, loving, manly heart, which God might let me win; but now I know he has only a calm, calculating head—"
"Only an hour ago I was hoping—I don't know what I was hoping—but I thought—oh! how I was deceived!—I thought he had a true, deep, loving, manly heart, which God might let me win; but now I know he has only a calm, calculating head—
If Jemima had been vehement and passionate before this conversation with her father, it was better than the sullen reserve she assumed now whenever Mr Farquhar came to the house. He felt it deeply; no reasoning with himself took off the pain he experienced. He tried to speak on the subjects she liked, in the manner she liked, until he despised himself for the unsuccessful efforts.
If Jemima had been intense and fiery before this talk with her dad, it was still better than the gloomy distance she now took on whenever Mr. Farquhar came over. He felt it deeply; no amount of reasoning helped ease the pain he felt. He tried to discuss topics she enjoyed, in the way she preferred, until he ended up hating himself for his failed attempts.
He stood between her and her father once or twice, in obvious inconsistency with his own previously expressed opinions; and Mr Bradshaw piqued himself upon his admirable management, in making Jemima feel that she owed his indulgence or forbearance to Mr Farquhar's interference; but Jemima—perverse, miserable Jemima—thought that she hated Mr Farquhar all the more. She respected her father inflexible, much more than her father pompously giving up to Mr Farquhar's subdued remonstrances on her behalf. Even Mr Bradshaw was perplexed, and shut himself up to consider how Jemima was to be made more fully to understand his wishes and her own interests. But there was nothing to take hold of as a ground for any further conversation with her. Her actions were so submissive that they were spiritless; she did all her father desired; she did it with a nervous quickness and haste, if she thought that otherwise Mr Farquhar would interfere in any way. She wished evidently to owe nothing to him. She had begun by leaving the room when he came in, after the conversation she had had with her father; but at Mr Bradshaw's first expression of his wish that she should remain, she remained—silent, indifferent, inattentive to all that was going on; at least there was this appearance of inattention. She would work away at her sewing as if she were to earn her livelihood by it; the light was gone out of her eyes as she lifted them up heavily before replying to any question, and the eyelids were often swollen with crying.
He stood between her and her father a couple of times, clearly contradicting his earlier opinions; and Mr. Bradshaw was quite proud of his skill in making Jemima feel that she owed his kindness or patience to Mr. Farquhar's interference. But Jemima—stubborn, miserable Jemima—thought she hated Mr. Farquhar even more. She had more respect for her father when he was firm than when he pompously gave in to Mr. Farquhar's gentle protests on her behalf. Even Mr. Bradshaw was confused and isolated himself to figure out how to make Jemima better understand his wishes and her own interests. But there was nothing to latch onto for any further conversation with her. Her actions were so submissive that they felt lifeless; she did everything her father wanted; she did it with a nervous quickness and urgency, fearing that otherwise Mr. Farquhar would step in somehow. She clearly wanted to owe him nothing. She had started by leaving the room when he walked in, after the conversation she had with her father; but at Mr. Bradshaw's first suggestion that she should stay, she did—silent, indifferent, and ignoring everything that was happening; at least it seemed that way. She worked on her sewing as if she were trying to earn a living from it; the light had gone out of her eyes as she looked up heavy-lidded before answering any questions, and her eyelids were often swollen from crying.
But in all this there was no positive fault. Mr Bradshaw could not have told her not to do this, or to do that, without her doing it; for she had become much more docile of late.
But in all this, there was no clear fault. Mr. Bradshaw couldn't have told her not to do this, or to do that, without her doing it; she had become much more compliant lately.
It was a wonderful proof of the influence Ruth had gained in the family, that Mr Bradshaw, after much deliberation, congratulated himself on the wise determination he had made of requesting her to speak to Jemima, and find out what feeling was at the bottom of all this change in her ways of going on.
It was a great demonstration of the influence Ruth had earned in the family that Mr. Bradshaw, after thinking it over, congratulated himself on the smart decision he had made to ask her to talk to Jemima and find out what was behind all the changes in her behavior.
He rang the bell.
He rang the doorbell.
"Is Mrs Denbigh here?" he inquired of the servant who answered it.
"Is Mrs. Denbigh here?" he asked the servant who responded.
"Yes, sir; she is just come."
"Yes, sir; she just got here."
"Beg her to come to me in this room as soon as she can leave the young ladies."
"Please ask her to come to me in this room as soon as she can leave the young ladies."
Ruth came.
Ruth arrived.
"Sit down, Mrs Denbigh; sit down. I want to have a little conversation with you; not about your pupils, they are going on well under your care, I am sure; and I often congratulate myself on the choice I made—I assure you I do. But now I want to speak to you about Jemima. She is very fond of you, and perhaps you could take some opportunity of observing to her—in short, of saying to her, that she is behaving very foolishly—in fact, disgusting Mr Farquhar (who was, I know, inclined to like her) by the sullen, sulky way she behaves in, when he is by."
"Please, sit down, Mrs. Denbigh. I’d like to have a little chat with you—not about your students; they’re doing well under your guidance, I’m sure. I often feel good about the choice I made—I really do. But right now, I want to talk to you about Jemima. She’s quite fond of you, and maybe you could find an opportunity to mention to her—in short, to tell her—that she’s acting very foolishly. In fact, she’s putting off Mr. Farquhar (who I know was inclined to like her) with her sullen, sulky behavior when he’s around."
He paused for the ready acquiescence he expected. But Ruth did not quite comprehend what was required of her, and disliked the glimpse she had gained of the task very much.
He paused for the quick agreement he anticipated. But Ruth didn’t fully understand what was expected of her and really disliked the little bit she had seen of the task.
"I hardly understand, sir. You are displeased with Miss Bradshaw's manners to Mr Farquhar."
"I barely understand, sir. You're upset with Miss Bradshaw's behavior towards Mr. Farquhar."
"Well, well! not quite that; I am displeased with her manners—they are sulky and abrupt, particularly when he is by—and I want you (of whom she is so fond) to speak to her about it."
"Well, well! Not exactly that; I’m not happy with her behavior—it’s moody and curt, especially when he’s around—and I’d like you (since she likes you so much) to talk to her about it."
"But I have never had the opportunity of noticing them. Whenever I have seen her, she has been most gentle and affectionate."
"But I've never had the chance to really notice them. Every time I've seen her, she's been very kind and loving."
"But I think you do not hesitate to believe me, when I say that I have noticed the reverse," said Mr Bradshaw, drawing himself up.
"But I think you don’t doubt me when I say that I’ve noticed the opposite," said Mr. Bradshaw, straightening up.
"No, sir. I beg your pardon if I have expressed myself so badly as to seem to doubt. But am I to tell Miss Bradshaw that you have spoken of her faults to me?" asked Ruth, a little astonished, and shrinking more than ever from the proposed task.
"No, sir. I’m sorry if I’ve expressed myself poorly enough to sound like I’m doubting. But should I tell Miss Bradshaw that you mentioned her faults to me?" asked Ruth, a bit surprised, and feeling even more reluctant about the task ahead.
"If you would allow me to finish what I have got to say, without interruption, I could then tell you what I do wish."
"If you could let me finish what I have to say without interruptions, then I could tell you what I really want."
"I beg your pardon, sir," said Ruth, gently.
"I’m sorry, sir," Ruth said softly.
"I wish you to join our circle occasionally in an evening; Mrs Bradshaw shall send you an invitation when Mr Farquhar is likely to be here. Warned by me, and, consequently, with your observation quickened, you can hardly fail to notice instances of what I have pointed out; and then I will trust to your own good sense" (Mr Bradshaw bowed to her at this part of his sentence) "to find an opportunity to remonstrate with her."
"I would like you to join our group sometimes in the evening; Mrs. Bradshaw will send you an invitation when Mr. Farquhar is expected to be here. Having been warned by me, and with your attention sharpened, you will surely notice examples of what I mentioned; and then I will rely on your good judgment" (Mr. Bradshaw bowed to her at this part of his sentence) "to find a chance to talk to her about it."
Ruth was beginning to speak, but he waved his hand for another minute of silence.
Ruth was about to say something, but he waved his hand for another moment of silence.
"Only a minute, Mrs Denbigh. I am quite aware that, in requesting your presence occasionally in the evening, I shall be trespassing upon the time which is, in fact, your money; you may be assured that I shall not forget this little circumstance, and you can explain what I have said on this head to Benson and his sister."
"Just a moment, Mrs. Denbigh. I understand that asking for your presence in the evening means I'm taking up your time, which is essentially your money. Please know that I won’t overlook this fact, and you can share what I’ve said about this with Benson and his sister."
"I am afraid I cannot do it," Ruth began; but while she was choosing words delicate enough to express her reluctance to act as he wished, he had almost bowed her out of the room; and thinking that she was modest in her estimate of her qualifications for remonstrating with his daughter, he added, blandly,
"I’m afraid I can’t do it," Ruth started; but while she was trying to find the right words to express her hesitation to do what he wanted, he had nearly ushered her out of the room. Assuming she was being modest about her qualifications to speak up with his daughter, he added, smoothly,
"No one so able, Mrs Denbigh. I have observed many qualities in you—observed when, perhaps, you have little thought it."
"No one is as capable as you, Mrs. Denbigh. I've noticed many qualities in you—noticed them when you might not have realized it."
If he had observed Ruth that morning, he would have seen an absence of mind, and depression of spirits, not much to her credit as a teacher; for she could not bring herself to feel that she had any right to go into the family purposely to watch over and find fault with any one member of it. If she had seen anything wrong in Jemima, Ruth loved her so much that she would have told her of it in private; and with many doubts, how far she was the one to pull out the mote from any one's eye, even in the most tender manner;—she would have had to conquer reluctance before she could have done even this; but there was something undefinably repugnant to her in the manner of acting which Mr Bradshaw had proposed, and she determined not to accept the invitations which were to place her in so false a position.
If he had looked at Ruth that morning, he would have noticed she seemed distracted and down, which didn’t reflect well on her as a teacher; she couldn’t convince herself that she had the right to go into the family just to monitor and criticize any one member. If she had seen something wrong with Jemima, Ruth cared for her so much that she would have talked to her privately about it. With many doubts about whether she was the right person to point out someone else's faults, even in the gentlest way, she would have had to overcome her hesitation before she could do even that; but there was something vaguely off-putting to her about the way Mr. Bradshaw had suggested she act, and she decided not to accept the invitations that would put her in such a false position.
But as she was leaving the house, after the end of the lessons, while she stood in the hall tying on her bonnet, and listening to the last small confidences of her two pupils, she saw Jemima coming in through the garden-door, and was struck by the change in her looks. The large eyes, so brilliant once, were dim and clouded; the complexion sallow and colourless; a lowering expression was on the dark brow, and the corners of her mouth drooped as with sorrowful thoughts. She looked up, and her eyes met Ruth's.
But as she was leaving the house after the lessons ended, while she stood in the hall tying on her bonnet and listening to the last little secrets from her two pupils, she saw Jemima coming in through the garden door and was struck by the change in her appearance. The large eyes, once so bright, were now dull and clouded; her complexion was pale and lacking color; a gloomy expression was present on her dark brow, and the corners of her mouth drooped with sad thoughts. She looked up, and her eyes met Ruth's.
"Oh! you beautiful creature!" thought Jemima, "with your still, calm, heavenly face, what are you to know of earth's trials! You have lost your beloved by death—but that is a blessed sorrow; the sorrow I have pulls me down and down, and makes me despise and hate every one—not you, though." And, her face changing to a soft, tender look, she went up to Ruth, and kissed her fondly; as if it were a relief to be near some one on whose true, pure heart she relied. Ruth returned the caress; and even while she did so, she suddenly rescinded her resolution to keep clear of what Mr Bradshaw had desired her to do. On her way home she resolved, if she could, to find out what were Jemima's secret feelings; and if (as, from some previous knowledge, she suspected) they were morbid and exaggerated in any way, to try and help her right with all the wisdom which true love gives. It was time that some one should come to still the storm in Jemima's turbulent heart, which was daily and hourly knowing less and less of peace. The irritating difficulty was to separate the two characters, which at two different times she had attributed to Mr Farquhar—the old one, which she had formerly believed to be true, that he was a man acting up to a high standard of lofty principle, and acting up without a struggle (and this last had been the circumstance which had made her rebellious and irritable once); the new one, which her father had excited in her suspicious mind, that Mr Farquhar was cold and calculating in all he did, and that she was to be transferred by the former, and accepted by the latter, as a sort of stock-in-trade—these were the two Mr Farquhars who clashed together in her mind. And in this state of irritation and prejudice, she could not bear the way in which he gave up his opinions to please her; that was not the way to win her; she liked him far better when he inflexibly and rigidly adhered to his idea of right and wrong, not even allowing any force to temptation, and hardly any grace to repentance, compared with that beauty of holiness which had never yielded to sin. He had been her idol in those days, as she found out now, however much at the time she had opposed him with violence.
"Oh! You beautiful being!" thought Jemima, "with your serene, heavenly face, what do you know of life's struggles? You've lost your loved one to death—but that's a bittersweet sorrow; the sorrow I carry drags me down and makes me loathe and despise everyone—except you." As her face shifted to a soft, tender expression, she approached Ruth and kissed her affectionately, as if being near someone whose true, pure heart she trusted brought her relief. Ruth returned the gesture; and even as she did, she suddenly decided to abandon her plan to avoid what Mr. Bradshaw wanted her to do. On her way home, she resolved, if possible, to uncover Jemima's hidden feelings; and if (as she suspected from some prior knowledge) they were unhealthy or exaggerated in any way, she would try to help her with all the wisdom that true love provides. It was time for someone to calm the storm in Jemima's troubled heart, which was daily drifting further away from peace. The frustrating challenge was to sort out the two versions of Mr. Farquhar she had come to see—one she had previously believed, that he was a man living up to high principles effortlessly (which once made her rebellious and irritable); the new version, stirred up by her father's suspicions, that Mr. Farquhar was calculating in everything he did, and that she was to be transferred by the former and accepted by the latter as a sort of commodity—these were the two Mr. Farquhars clashing in her thoughts. In her state of irritation and bias, she couldn't stand how he compromised his beliefs to please her; that wasn't how to win her over. She preferred him much more when he steadfastly adhered to his idea of right and wrong, not allowing any temptation to sway him and hardly any grace for repentance, compared to the beauty of holiness that had never yielded to sin. He had been her idol back then, as she realized now, no matter how much she had vehemently opposed him at the time.
As for Mr Farquhar, he was almost weary of himself; no reasoning, even no principle, seemed to have influence over him, for he saw that Jemima was not at all what he approved of in woman. He saw her uncurbed and passionate, affecting to despise the rules of life he held most sacred, and indifferent to, if not positively disliking him; and yet he loved her dearly. But he resolved to make a great effort of will, and break loose from these trammels of sense. And while he resolved, some old recollection would bring her up, hanging on his arm, in all the confidence of early girlhood, looking up in his face with her soft, dark eyes, and questioning him upon the mysterious subjects which had so much interest for both of them at that time, although they had become only matter for dissension in these later days.
As for Mr. Farquhar, he was almost tired of himself; no reasoning, not even any principles, seemed to affect him, because he realized that Jemima was nothing like what he valued in a woman. He saw her uncontrolled and passionate, pretending to disregard the rules of life he held most sacred, and indifferent to, if not outright disliking him; and yet he loved her deeply. But he decided to make a strong effort and break free from these constraints of feeling. And while he was making that resolve, some old memory would bring her to mind, hanging on his arm, with all the confidence of early girlhood, looking up at him with her soft, dark eyes, and asking him about the mysterious topics that had once fascinated both of them, even though they had now become sources of conflict in these later days.
It was also true, as Mr Bradshaw had said, Mr Farquhar wished to marry, and had not much choice in the small town of Eccleston. He never put this so plainly before himself, as a reason for choosing Jemima, as her father had done to her; but it was an unconscious motive all the same. However, now he had lectured himself into the resolution to make a pretty long absence from Eccleston, and see if, amongst his distant friends, there was no woman more in accordance with his ideal, who could put the naughty, wilful, plaguing Jemima Bradshaw out of his head, if he did not soon perceive some change in her for the better.
It was also true, as Mr. Bradshaw had said, that Mr. Farquhar wanted to get married and didn’t have many options in the small town of Eccleston. He never admitted this so clearly to himself as a reason for choosing Jemima, like her father had done with her; but it was an unacknowledged motive all the same. However, he had now convinced himself to take a long break from Eccleston and see if among his distant friends there was a woman more aligned with his ideal, someone who could help him forget the troublesome, willful, annoying Jemima Bradshaw if he didn’t soon notice any positive change in her.
A few days after Ruth's conversation with Mr Bradshaw, the invitation she had been expecting, yet dreading, came. It was to her alone. Mr and Miss Benson were pleased at the compliment to her, and urged her acceptance of it. She wished that they had been included; she had not thought it right, or kind to Jemima, to tell them why she was going, and she feared now lest they should feel a little hurt that they were not asked too. But she need not have been afraid. They were glad and proud of the attention to her, and never thought of themselves.
A few days after Ruth's chat with Mr. Bradshaw, the invitation she had been anticipating yet dreading finally arrived. It was just for her. Mr. and Miss Benson were pleased by the compliment to her and encouraged her to accept it. She wished they had been invited too; she didn’t feel it was right or kind to Jemima to explain why she was going, and she worried they might feel a bit hurt for not being included. But she didn’t need to worry. They felt happy and proud of the attention she was getting and never thought about themselves.
"Ruthie, what gown shall you wear to-night? your dark grey one, I suppose?" asked Miss Benson.
"Ruthie, what dress are you going to wear tonight? Your dark gray one, I guess?" asked Miss Benson.
"Yes, I suppose so. I never thought of it; but that is my best."
"Yeah, I guess so. I never thought about it; but that’s the best I can do."
"Well; then, I shall quill up a ruff for you. You know I am a famous quiller of net."
"Alright; then, I’ll make a ruff for you. You know I’m a famous maker of net."
Ruth came downstairs with a little flush on her cheeks when she was ready to go. She held her bonnet and shawl in her hand, for she knew Miss Benson and Sally would want to see her dressed.
Ruth came downstairs with a slight blush on her cheeks when she was ready to go. She held her bonnet and shawl in her hand because she knew Miss Benson and Sally would want to see her dressed.
"Is not mamma pretty?" asked Leonard, with a child's pride.
"Isn't mom pretty?" asked Leonard, with a child's pride.
"She looks very nice and tidy," said Miss Benson, who had an idea that children should not talk or think about beauty.
"She looks really nice and put together," said Miss Benson, who believed that kids shouldn't talk or think about looks.
"I think my ruff looks so nice," said Ruth, with gentle pleasure. And indeed it did look nice, and set off the pretty round throat most becomingly. Her hair, now grown long and thick, was smoothed as close to her head as its waving nature would allow, and plaited up in a great rich knot low down behind. The grey gown was as plain as plain could be.
"I think my ruff looks really nice," said Ruth, smiling with satisfaction. And it truly did look nice, enhancing her pretty round neck beautifully. Her hair, now long and thick, was styled as flat against her head as its wavy texture would permit, and arranged in a large, elegant knot low at the back. The gray gown was as simple as it could be.
"You should have light gloves, Ruth," said Miss Benson. She went upstairs, and brought down a delicate pair of Limerick ones, which had been long treasured up in a walnut-shell.
"You should have light gloves, Ruth," said Miss Benson. She went upstairs and brought down a delicate pair of Limerick gloves, which had been stored away in a walnut shell for a long time.
"They say them gloves is made of chickens'-skins," said Sally, examining them curiously. "I wonder how they set about skinning 'em."
"They say those gloves are made from chicken skins," said Sally, looking at them with curiosity. "I wonder how they go about skinning them."
"Here, Ruth," said Mr Benson, coming in from the garden, "here's a rose or two for you. I am sorry there are no more; I hoped I should have had my yellow rose out by this time, but the damask and the white are in a warmer corner, and have got the start."
"Here, Ruth," Mr. Benson said as he came in from the garden, "here are a couple of roses for you. I'm sorry there aren't more; I thought my yellow rose would be blooming by now, but the damask and the white ones are in a warmer spot and have gotten ahead."
Miss Benson and Leonard stood at the door, and watched her down the little passage-street till she was out of sight.
Miss Benson and Leonard stood at the door and watched her down the narrow street until she was out of sight.
She had hardly touched the bell at Mr Bradshaw's door, when Mary and Elizabeth opened it with boisterous glee.
She had barely touched the bell at Mr. Bradshaw's door when Mary and Elizabeth swung it open with cheerful excitement.
"We saw you coming—we've been watching for you—we want you to come round the garden before tea; papa is not come in yet. Do come!"
"We saw you coming—we've been waiting for you—we want you to come to the garden before tea; Dad hasn’t come in yet. Please come!"
She went round the garden with a little girl clinging to each arm. It was full of sunshine and flowers, and this made the contrast between it and the usual large family room (which fronted the north-east, and therefore had no evening sun to light up its cold, drab furniture) more striking than usual. It looked very gloomy. There was the great dining-table, heavy and square; the range of chairs, straight and square; the work-boxes, useful and square; the colouring of walls, and carpet, and curtains, all of the coldest description; everything was handsome, and everything was ugly. Mrs Bradshaw was asleep in her easy-chair when they came in. Jemima had just put down her work, and, lost in thought, she leant her cheek on her hand. When she saw Ruth she brightened a little, and went to her and kissed her. Mrs Bradshaw jumped up at the sound of their entrance, and was wide awake in a moment.
She walked around the garden with a little girl hanging onto each arm. It was filled with sunshine and flowers, making the contrast with the usual large family room (which faced the northeast and had no evening sun to brighten its cold, dull furniture) more pronounced than normal. It looked really gloomy. There was the big dining table, heavy and square; the row of chairs, straight and square; the work boxes, practical and square; the colors of the walls, carpet, and curtains, all the coldest shades; everything was nice-looking, yet everything felt ugly. Mrs. Bradshaw was asleep in her armchair when they came in. Jemima had just set down her work and, lost in thought, rested her cheek on her hand. When she saw Ruth, she brightened up a bit and went to her to give her a kiss. Mrs. Bradshaw jumped up at the sound of their arrival and was wide awake in an instant.
"Oh! I thought your father was here," said she, evidently relieved to find that he had not come in and caught her sleeping.
"Oh! I thought your dad was here," she said, clearly relieved to see that he hadn't come in and found her sleeping.
"Thank you, Mrs Denbigh, for coming to us to-night," said she, in the quiet tone in which she generally spoke in her husband's absence. When he was there, a sort of constant terror of displeasing him made her voice sharp and nervous; the children knew that many a thing passed over by their mother when their father was away, was sure to be noticed by her when he was present; and noticed, too, in a cross and querulous manner, for she was so much afraid of the blame which on any occasion of their misbehaviour fell upon her. And yet she looked up to her husband with a reverence and regard, and a faithfulness of love, which his decision of character was likely to produce on a weak and anxious mind. He was a rest and a support to her, on whom she cast all her responsibilities; she was an obedient, unremonstrating wife to him; no stronger affection had ever brought her duty to him into conflict with any desire of her heart. She loved her children dearly, though they all perplexed her very frequently. Her son was her especial darling, because he very seldom brought her into any scrapes with his father; he was so cautious and prudent, and had the art of "keeping a calm sough" about any difficulty he might be in. With all her dutiful sense of the obligation, which her husband enforced upon her, to notice and tell him everything that was going wrong in the household, and especially among his children, Mrs Bradshaw, somehow, contrived to be honestly blind to a good deal that was not praiseworthy in Master Richard.
"Thank you, Mrs. Denbigh, for coming to us tonight," she said in the calm tone she usually adopted when her husband wasn’t around. When he was there, her voice became sharp and nervous out of a constant fear of displeasing him; the children knew that many things their mother overlooked when their father was away were bound to be noticed when he was present, and she would point them out in a cross and complaining way, as she dreaded the blame that would fall on her for any misbehavior. Yet, she looked up to her husband with a deep respect and love, and her loyal affection stemmed from the strong character he possessed, which likely influenced her weak, anxious nature. He was her comfort and support, the one she turned to for all her responsibilities; she was an obedient wife to him, and no stronger love had ever caused her to conflict with her duties. She loved her children dearly, even though they often confused her. Her son was her favorite because he rarely got her into trouble with his father; he was cautious and sensible and had a knack for staying calm during any issues he faced. Despite her sense of duty, which her husband insisted on regarding his need to be informed about everything going wrong at home, especially with the kids, Mrs. Bradshaw somehow managed to remain blissfully unaware of many of Master Richard's less than admirable traits.
Mr Bradshaw came in before long, bringing with him Mr Farquhar. Jemima had been talking to Ruth with some interest before then; but, on seeing Mr Farquhar, she bent her head down over her work, went a little paler, and turned obstinately silent. Mr Bradshaw longed to command her to speak; but even he had a suspicion that what she might say, when so commanded, might be rather worse in its effect than her gloomy silence; so he held his peace, and a discontented, angry kind of peace it was. Mrs Bradshaw saw that something was wrong, but could not tell what; only she became every moment more trembling, and nervous, and irritable, and sent Mary and Elizabeth off on all sorts of contradictory errands to the servants, and made the tea twice as strong, and sweetened it twice as much as usual, in hopes of pacifying her husband with good things.
Mr. Bradshaw came in shortly after, bringing Mr. Farquhar along with him. Jemima had been chatting with Ruth with some interest until then; but when she saw Mr. Farquhar, she lowered her head over her work, paled a little, and fell stubbornly silent. Mr. Bradshaw wanted to tell her to speak up; however, he suspected that whatever she might say, if he forced her, would likely be worse than her sullen silence. So, he kept quiet, and it was an unhappy, frustrated kind of quiet. Mrs. Bradshaw noticed that something was off but couldn't figure out what it was; she just got more anxious, jittery, and irritable with each passing moment, sending Mary and Elizabeth on all kinds of confusing errands to the staff and making the tea twice as strong and sweetened it much more than usual, hoping to placate her husband with treats.
Mr Farquhar had gone for the last time, or so he thought. He had resolved (for the fifth time) that he would go and watch Jemima once more, and if her temper got the better of her, and she showed the old sullenness again, and gave the old proofs of indifference to his good opinion, he would give her up altogether, and seek a wife elsewhere. He sat watching her with folded arms, and in silence. Altogether they were a pleasant family party!
Mr. Farquhar had left for the last time, or so he believed. He had decided (for the fifth time) that he would go and watch Jemima once more, and if her mood got the best of her again, if she showed her usual sulkiness and acted indifferent to what he thought of her, he would completely give up on her and look for a wife elsewhere. He sat there watching her with his arms crossed, and in silence. All in all, they were quite the cheerful family gathering!
Jemima wanted to wind a skein of wool. Mr Farquhar saw it, and came to her, anxious to do her this little service. She turned away pettishly, and asked Ruth to hold it for her.
Jemima wanted to wind a skein of wool. Mr. Farquhar saw her and came over, eager to help her out. She turned away irritably and asked Ruth to hold it for her.
Ruth was hurt for Mr Farquhar, and looked sorrowfully at Jemima; but Jemima would not see her glance of upbraiding, as Ruth, hoping that she would relent, delayed a little to comply with her request. Mr Farquhar did; and went back to his seat to watch them both. He saw Jemima turbulent and stormy in look; he saw Ruth, to all appearance heavenly calm as the angels, or with only that little tinge of sorrow which her friend's behaviour had called forth. He saw the unusual beauty of her face and form, which he had never noticed before; and he saw Jemima, with all the brilliancy she once possessed in eyes and complexion, dimmed and faded. He watched Ruth, speaking low and soft to the little girls, who seemed to come to her in every difficulty; and he remarked her gentle firmness when their bedtime came, and they pleaded to stay up longer (their father was absent in his counting-house, or they would not have dared to do so). He liked Ruth's soft, distinct, unwavering "No! you must go. You must keep to what is right," far better than the good-natured yielding to entreaty he had formerly admired in Jemima. He was wandering off into this comparison, while Ruth, with delicate and unconscious tact, was trying to lead Jemima into some subject which should take her away from the thoughts, whatever they were, that made her so ungracious and rude.
Ruth felt sorry for Mr. Farquhar and looked sadly at Jemima, but Jemima ignored her reproachful glance. Ruth, hoping Jemima would soften, hesitated a bit before following through with her request. Mr. Farquhar did, and returned to his seat to observe both of them. He noticed Jemima looking turbulent and stormy, while Ruth appeared as serene as an angel, with only a hint of sorrow stirred up by her friend's behavior. He noticed her unusual beauty, which he had never recognized before, and saw how Jemima's once-brilliant eyes and complexion seemed dim and faded. He watched Ruth speaking softly to the little girls, who came to her with every problem; he noted her gentle firmness when bedtime arrived and they pleaded to stay up longer (if their father had been home from his counting-house, they wouldn't have dared to ask). He preferred Ruth's soft, clear, unwavering "No! You must go. You must stick to what's right," far more than the good-natured giving in he had previously admired in Jemima. While he was lost in this comparison, Ruth, with delicate and instinctive skill, tried to steer Jemima toward a topic that would distract her from whatever thoughts were making her so unpleasant and rude.
Jemima was ashamed of herself before Ruth, in a way which she had never been before any one else. She valued Ruth's good opinion so highly, that she dreaded lest her friend should perceive her faults. She put a check upon herself—a check at first; but after a little time she had forgotten something of her trouble, and listened to Ruth, and questioned her about Leonard, and smiled at his little witticisms; and only the sighs, that would come up from the very force of habit, brought back the consciousness of her unhappiness. Before the end of the evening, Jemima had allowed herself to speak to Mr Farquhar in the old way—questioning, differing, disputing. She was recalled to the remembrance of that miserable conversation by the entrance of her father. After that she was silent. But he had seen her face more animated, and bright with a smile, as she spoke to Mr Farquhar; and although he regretted the loss of her complexion (for she was still very pale), he was highly pleased with the success of his project. He never doubted but that Ruth had given her some sort of private exhortation to behave better. He could not have understood the pretty art with which, by simply banishing unpleasant subjects, and throwing a wholesome natural sunlit tone over others, Ruth had insensibly drawn Jemima out of her gloom. He resolved to buy Mrs Denbigh a handsome silk gown the very next day. He did not believe she had a silk gown, poor creature! He had noticed that dark grey stuff, this long, long time, as her Sunday dress. He liked the colour; the silk one should be just the same tinge. Then he thought that it would, perhaps, be better to choose a lighter shade, one which might be noticed as different to the old gown. For he had no doubt she would like to have it remarked, and, perhaps, would not object to tell people, that it was a present from Mr Bradshaw—a token of his approbation. He smiled a little to himself as he thought of this additional source of pleasure to Ruth. She, in the meantime, was getting up to go home. While Jemima was lighting the bed-candle at the lamp, Ruth came round to bid good night. Mr Bradshaw could not allow her to remain till the morrow, uncertain whether he was satisfied or not.
Jemima felt ashamed in front of Ruth in a way she never had with anyone else. She valued Ruth's opinion so much that she worried her friend would notice her flaws. She initially held back her feelings, but after a while, she forgot some of her troubles, listened to Ruth, asked about Leonard, and smiled at his little jokes. Only the sighs that came from habit reminded her of her unhappiness. By the end of the evening, Jemima had fallen back into her old way of speaking with Mr. Farquhar—questioning, disagreeing, and debating. She was jolted back to that miserable conversation when her father entered. After that, she fell silent. But he had seen her face light up with a smile as she talked to Mr. Farquhar, and while he wished her complexion were better (since she was still very pale), he was pleased with how his plan was going. He was sure that Ruth had given her some kind of private encouragement to behave well. He couldn't understand the clever way Ruth had subtly lifted Jemima's spirits by simply avoiding uncomfortable topics and adding a bright, cheerful tone to others. He decided to buy Mrs. Denbigh a nice silk gown the next day. He didn’t think she owned one, poor thing! He had noticed that dark gray fabric, her Sunday dress, for a long time. He liked the color, so the silk one should be the same shade. Then he thought it might be better to choose a lighter shade, something that would stand out as different from the old dress. He had no doubt she would want people to notice it and might even like to tell them it was a gift from Mr. Bradshaw—a sign of his approval. He smiled a little to himself thinking about how this would bring Ruth extra joy. Meanwhile, Ruth was getting ready to go home. While Jemima lit the bed-candle at the lamp, Ruth came over to say good night. Mr. Bradshaw couldn’t let her leave without knowing whether he was satisfied or not.
"Good night, Mrs Denbigh," said he. "Good night. Thank you. I am obliged to you—I am exceedingly obliged to you."
"Good night, Mrs. Denbigh," he said. "Good night. Thank you. I really appreciate it—I’m very grateful to you."
He laid emphasis on these words, for he was pleased to see Mr Farquhar step forward to help Jemima in her little office.
He emphasized these words, as he was happy to see Mr. Farquhar step up to assist Jemima in her small office.
Mr Farquhar offered to accompany Ruth home; but the streets that intervened between Mr Bradshaw's and the Chapel-house were so quiet that he desisted, when he learnt from Ruth's manner how much she disliked his proposal. Mr Bradshaw, too, instantly observed:
Mr. Farquhar offered to walk Ruth home, but the streets between Mr. Bradshaw's place and the Chapel-house were so quiet that he decided against it when he noticed how much Ruth disliked the idea. Mr. Bradshaw also quickly noticed:
"Oh! Mrs Denbigh need not trouble you, Farquhar. I have servants at liberty at any moment to attend on her, if she wishes it."
"Oh! Mrs. Denbigh doesn’t need to bother you, Farquhar. I have staff available at any time to attend to her if she wants."
In fact, he wanted to make hay while the sun shone, and to detain Mr Farquhar a little longer, now that Jemima was so gracious. She went upstairs with Ruth to help her to put on her things.
In fact, he wanted to take advantage of the moment and keep Mr. Farquhar around a bit longer, now that Jemima was being so nice. She went upstairs with Ruth to help her get ready.
"Dear Jemima!" said Ruth, "I am so glad to see you looking better to-night! You quite frightened me this morning, you looked so ill."
"Dear Jemima!" Ruth said, "I'm so happy to see you looking better tonight! You really scared me this morning; you looked so sick."
"Did I?" replied Jemima. "Oh, Ruth! I have been so unhappy lately. I want you to come and put me to rights," she continued, half smiling. "You know I'm a sort of out-pupil of yours, though we are so nearly of an age. You ought to lecture me, and make me good."
"Did I?" Jemima replied. "Oh, Ruth! I've been really unhappy lately. I want you to come and help me sort things out," she continued, half smiling. "You know I'm kind of your former student, even though we're almost the same age. You should lecture me and help me become a better person."
"Should I, dear?" said Ruth. "I don't think I'm the one to do it."
"Should I, really?" said Ruth. "I don't think I'm the right person for that."
"Oh, yes! you are—you've done me good to-night."
"Oh, yes! You are—you've helped me tonight."
"Well, if I can do anything for you, tell me what it is?" asked Ruth, tenderly.
"Well, if there's anything I can do for you, just let me know," Ruth asked gently.
"Oh, not now—not now," replied Jemima. "I could not tell you here. It's a long story, and I don't know that I can tell you at all. Mamma might come up at any moment, and papa would be sure to ask what we had been talking about so long."
"Oh, not right now—not now," replied Jemima. "I can't tell you here. It's a long story, and I'm not sure I can even tell you at all. Mom might come up any minute, and Dad would definitely want to know what we've been talking about for so long."
"Take your own time, love," said Ruth; "only remember, as far as I can, how glad I am to help you."
"Take your time, love," said Ruth; "just remember, as far as I can, how happy I am to help you."
"You're too good, my darling!" said Jemima, fondly.
"You're too good, my love!" said Jemima, affectionately.
"Don't say so," replied Ruth, earnestly, almost as if she were afraid. "God knows I am not."
"Don't say that," Ruth replied earnestly, almost as if she were scared. "God knows I'm not."
"Well! we're none of us too good," answered Jemima; "I know that. But you are very good. Nay, I won't call you so, if it makes you look so miserable. But come away downstairs."
"Well! none of us are perfect," replied Jemima; "I get that. But you are really good. No, I won't say that if it makes you look so miserable. But let's go back downstairs."
With the fragrance of Ruth's sweetness lingering about her, Jemima
was her best self during the next half-hour. Mr Bradshaw was more and
more pleased, and raised the price of the silk, which he was going to
give Ruth, sixpence a yard during the time. Mr Farquhar went home
through the garden-way, happier than he had been this long time. He
even caught himself humming the old refrain:
With the scent of Ruth's sweetness in the air, Jemima was at her best for the next half hour. Mr. Bradshaw became increasingly pleased and raised the price of the silk he was going to give Ruth to sixpence a yard during that time. Mr. Farquhar walked home through the garden path, feeling happier than he had in a long time. He even found himself humming the old tune:
On revient, on revient toujours,
A ses premiers amours.
It always returns,
To our first loves.
But as soon as he was aware of what he was doing, he cleared away the remnants of the song into a cough, which was sonorous, if not perfectly real.
But as soon as he realized what he was doing, he cleared away the remnants of the song with a cough, which was deep, if not entirely genuine.
CHAPTER XXI
Mr Farquhar's Attentions Transferred
The next morning, as Jemima and her mother sat at their work, it came into the head of the former to remember her father's very marked way of thanking Ruth the evening before.
The next morning, as Jemima and her mother were working, Jemima suddenly remembered her father's very distinctive way of thanking Ruth the evening before.
"What a favourite Mrs Denbigh is with papa," said she. "I am sure I don't wonder at it. Did you notice, mamma, how he thanked her for coming here last night?"
"What a favorite Mrs. Denbigh is with Dad," she said. "I can see why. Did you notice, Mom, how he thanked her for coming over last night?"
"Yes, dear; but I don't think it was all—" Mrs Bradshaw stopped short. She was never certain if it was right or wrong to say anything.
"Yes, dear; but I don't think it was all—" Mrs. Bradshaw stopped abruptly. She was never sure if it was right or wrong to say anything.
"Not all what?" asked Jemima, when she saw her mother was not going to finish the sentence.
"Not all what?" Jemima asked when she saw her mother wasn't going to finish the sentence.
"Not all because Mrs Denbigh came to tea here," replied Mrs Bradshaw.
"Not just because Mrs. Denbigh came over for tea," replied Mrs. Bradshaw.
"Why, what else could he be thanking her for? What has she done?" asked Jemima, stimulated to curiosity by her mother's hesitating manner.
"Why, what else could he be thanking her for? What has she done?" asked Jemima, her curiosity piqued by her mother's uncertain manner.
"I don't know if I ought to tell you," said Mrs Bradshaw.
"I don't know if I should tell you," said Mrs. Bradshaw.
"Oh, very well!" said Jemima, rather annoyed.
"Oh, fine!" said Jemima, a bit annoyed.
"Nay, dear! your papa never said I was not to tell; perhaps I may."
"Nah, dear! Your dad never said I couldn't tell; maybe I can."
"Never mind! I don't want to hear," in a piqued tone.
"Whatever! I don't want to hear it," in a annoyed tone.
There was silence for a little while. Jemima was trying to think of something else, but her thoughts would revert to the wonder what Mrs Denbigh could have done for her father.
There was silence for a moment. Jemima was trying to think of something else, but her mind kept going back to the question of what Mrs. Denbigh could have done for her dad.
"I think I may tell you, though," said Mrs Bradshaw, half questioning.
"I think I might tell you, though," Mrs. Bradshaw said, half questioning.
Jemima had the honour not to urge any confidence, but she was too curious to take any active step towards repressing it.
Jemima had the privilege of not needing to push for any trust, but she was too curious to actively try to hold it back.
Mrs Bradshaw went on. "I think you deserve to know. It is partly your doing that papa is so pleased with Mrs Denbigh. He is going to buy her a silk gown this morning, and I think you ought to know why."
Mrs. Bradshaw continued, "I think you deserve to know. It’s partly your fault that Dad is so happy with Mrs. Denbigh. He’s going to buy her a silk dress this morning, and I think you should know why."
"Why?" asked Jemima.
"Why?" Jemima asked.
"Because papa is so pleased to find that you mind what she says."
"Because Dad is really happy to see that you listen to what she says."
"I mind what she says! To be sure I do, and always did. But why should papa give her a gown for that? I think he ought to give it me rather," said Jemima, half laughing.
"I care about what she says! Of course I do, and I always have. But why should Dad give her a dress for that? I think he should give it to me instead," said Jemima, half laughing.
"I am sure he would, dear; he will give you one, I am certain, if you want one. He was so pleased to see you like your old self to Mr Farquhar last night. We neither of us could think what had come over you this last month; but now all seems right."
"I’m sure he would, dear; he’ll give you one, I’m certain, if you want one. He was really happy to see you like your old self with Mr. Farquhar last night. Neither of us could figure out what had happened to you this past month, but now everything seems fine."
A dark cloud came over Jemima's face. She did not like this close observation and constant comment upon her manners; and what had Ruth to do with it?
A dark cloud crossed Jemima's face. She didn't like being closely watched and constantly commented on for her behavior; and what did Ruth have to do with it?
"I am glad you were pleased," said she, very coldly. Then, after a pause, she added, "But you have not told me what Mrs Denbigh had to do with my good behaviour."
"I’m glad you were happy," she said very coldly. Then, after a pause, she added, "But you haven’t told me what Mrs. Denbigh had to do with my good behavior."
"Did not she speak to you about it?" asked Mrs Bradshaw, looking up.
"Didn't she talk to you about it?" asked Mrs. Bradshaw, looking up.
"No; why should she? She has no right to criticise what I do. She would not be so impertinent," said Jemima, feeling very uncomfortable and suspicious.
"No; why should she? She has no right to criticize what I do. She wouldn't be so rude," said Jemima, feeling very uneasy and suspicious.
"Yes, love! she would have had a right, for papa had desired her to do it."
"Yes, love! She would have had the right to do it, because Dad wanted her to."
"Papa desired her! What do you mean, mamma?"
"Papa wants her! What do you mean, mom?"
"Oh, dear! I dare say I should not have told you," said Mrs Bradshaw, perceiving, from Jemima's tone of voice, that something had gone wrong. "Only you spoke as if it would be impertinent in Mrs Denbigh, and I am sure she would not do anything that was impertinent. You know, it would be but right for her to do what papa told her; and he said a great deal to her, the other day, about finding out why you were so cross, and bringing you right. And you are right now, dear!" said Mrs Bradshaw, soothingly, thinking that Jemima was annoyed (like a good child) at the recollection of how naughty she had been.
"Oh, dear! I probably shouldn’t have said that," Mrs. Bradshaw remarked, noticing from Jemima’s tone that something was off. "But you made it sound like it would be rude for Mrs. Denbigh, and I’m sure she wouldn’t do anything rude. You know, it would only be fair for her to follow what Dad told her, and he mentioned a lot to her the other day about figuring out why you were upset and helping you feel better. And you seem fine now, dear!" said Mrs. Bradshaw, soothingly, thinking that Jemima was annoyed (like a good child) at the memory of how misbehaved she had been.
"Then papa is going to give Mrs Denbigh a gown because I was civil to Mr Farquhar last night?"
"Then Dad is going to give Mrs. Denbigh a dress because I was polite to Mr. Farquhar last night?"
"Yes, dear!" said Mrs Bradshaw, more and more frightened at Jemima's angry manner of speaking—low-toned, but very indignant.
"Yes, dear!" said Mrs. Bradshaw, increasingly scared by Jemima's angry way of speaking—soft-spoken, but very upset.
Jemima remembered, with smouldered anger, Ruth's pleading way of wiling her from her sullenness the night before. Management everywhere! but in this case it was peculiarly revolting; so much so, that she could hardly bear to believe that the seemingly-transparent Ruth had lent herself to it.
Jemima recalled, with simmering anger, Ruth's desperate attempts to pull her out of her bad mood the night before. Management everywhere! But in this case, it was especially disgusting; so much so that she could hardly accept that the seemingly open Ruth had gone along with it.
"Are you sure, mamma, that papa asked Mrs Denbigh to make me behave differently? It seems so strange."
"Are you sure, Mom, that Dad asked Mrs. Denbigh to make me act differently? It seems really strange."
"I am quite sure. He spoke to her last Friday morning in the study. I remember it was Friday, because Mrs Dean was working here."
"I’m pretty sure. He talked to her last Friday morning in the study. I remember it was Friday because Mrs. Dean was working here."
Jemima remembered now that she had gone into the school-room on the Friday, and found her sisters lounging about, and wondering what papa could possibly want with Mrs Denbigh.
Jemima now recalled that she had entered the classroom on Friday and found her sisters lounging around, wondering what Dad could possibly want with Mrs. Denbigh.
After this conversation, Jemima repulsed all Ruth's timid efforts to ascertain the cause of her disturbance, and to help her if she could. Ruth's tender, sympathising manner, as she saw Jemima daily looking more wretched, was distasteful to the latter in the highest degree. She could not say that Mrs Denbigh's conduct was positively wrong—it might even be quite right; but it was inexpressibly repugnant to her to think of her father consulting with a stranger (a week ago she almost considered Ruth as a sister) how to manage his daughter, so as to obtain the end he wished for; yes, even if that end was for her own good.
After this conversation, Jemima pushed away all of Ruth's awkward attempts to find out what was bothering her and to help her if she could. Ruth's kind, sympathetic behavior became increasingly annoying to Jemima as she noticed her looking more miserable every day. Jemima couldn't say that Mrs. Denbigh's actions were definitely wrong—it could even be seen as completely right; however, it was incredibly repulsive to her to think about her father discussing with a stranger (just a week ago, she had almost seen Ruth as a sister) how to handle his daughter to achieve what he wanted; yes, even if that goal was for her own benefit.
She was thankful and glad to see a brown paper parcel lying on the hall-table, with a note in Ruth's handwriting, addressed to her father. She knew what it was, the grey silk dress. That she was sure Ruth would never accept.
She was grateful and happy to see a brown paper package sitting on the hall table, with a note in Ruth's handwriting addressed to her dad. She knew what it was: the gray silk dress. She was certain that Ruth would never accept it.
No one henceforward could induce Jemima to enter into conversation with Mr Farquhar. She suspected manœuvring in the simplest actions, and was miserable in this constant state of suspicion. She would not allow herself to like Mr Farquhar, even when he said things the most after her own heart. She heard him, one evening, talking with her father about the principles of trade. Her father stood out for the keenest, sharpest work, consistent with honesty; if he had not been her father she would, perhaps, have thought some of his sayings inconsistent with true Christian honesty. He was for driving hard bargains, exacting interest and payment of just bills to a day. That was (he said) the only way in which trade could be conducted. Once allow a margin of uncertainty, or where feelings, instead of maxims, were to be the guide, and all hope of there ever being any good men of business was ended.
No one could ever persuade Jemima to have a conversation with Mr. Farquhar again. She sensed manipulation in the simplest actions and felt miserable in this constant state of doubt. She refused to let herself like him, even when he expressed thoughts that resonated with her. One evening, she overheard him discussing trade principles with her father. Her father insisted on the sharpest, most effective work while still being honest; if he weren't her father, she might’ve thought some of his comments conflicted with true Christian integrity. He believed in making tough deals, demanding interest, and requiring payment on time. That was, as he put it, the only way to conduct business. Once you allow for any uncertainty, or let emotions guide you instead of firm principles, all hope for having good businesspeople vanishes.
"Suppose a delay of a month in requiring payment might save a man's credit—prevent his becoming a bankrupt?" put in Mr Farquhar.
"Do you think a month’s delay in asking for payment could save someone's credit and keep him from going bankrupt?" Mr. Farquhar asked.
"I would not give it him. I would let him have money to set up again as soon as he had passed the Bankruptcy Court; if he never passed, I might, in some cases, make him an allowance; but I would always keep my justice and my charity separate."
"I wouldn't give it to him. I'd let him have money to start over once he completed the Bankruptcy Court process; if he never got through, I might, in some cases, give him an allowance; but I would always keep my justice and my charity separate."
"And yet charity (in your sense of the word) degrades; justice, tempered with mercy and consideration, elevates."
"And yet charity (as you mean it) puts people down; justice, combined with mercy and thoughtfulness, lifts them up."
"That is not justice—justice is certain and inflexible. No! Mr Farquhar, you must not allow any Quixotic notions to mingle with your conduct as a tradesman."
"That's not justice—justice is definite and unwavering. No! Mr. Farquhar, you can't let any idealistic ideas interfere with your actions as a businessperson."
And so they went on; Jemima's face glowing with sympathy in all Mr Farquhar said; till once, on looking up suddenly with sparkling eyes, she saw a glance of her father's which told her, as plain as words could say, that he was watching the effect of Mr Farquhar's speeches upon his daughter. She was chilled thenceforward; she thought her father prolonged the argument, in order to call out those sentiments which he knew would most recommend his partner to his daughter. She would so fain have let herself love Mr Farquhar; but this constant manœuvring, in which she did not feel clear that he did not take a passive part, made her sick at heart. She even wished that they might not go through the form of pretending to try to gain her consent to the marriage, if it involved all this premeditated action and speech-making—such moving about of every one into their right places, like pieces at chess. She felt as if she would rather be bought openly, like an Oriental daughter, where no one is degraded in their own eyes by being parties to such a contract. The consequences of all this "admirable management" of Mr Bradshaw's would have been very unfortunate to Mr Farquhar (who was innocent of all connivance in any of the plots—indeed, would have been as much annoyed at them as Jemima, had he been aware of them), but that the impression made upon him by Ruth on the evening I have so lately described, was deepened by the contrast which her behaviour made to Miss Bradshaw's on one or two more recent occasions.
And so they continued; Jemima's face shining with sympathy at everything Mr. Farquhar said; until one time, when she suddenly looked up with sparkling eyes, she caught a glimpse of her father's look that clearly told her he was observing how Mr. Farquhar's words were affecting her. From that point on, she felt uneasy; she thought her father was dragging out the conversation to draw out feelings that would make his partner more appealing to her. She wanted so much to allow herself to love Mr. Farquhar; but this constant scheming, where she wasn’t sure if he was playing along or just being passive, made her feel sick inside. She even wished they wouldn't bother pretending to seek her approval for the marriage if it involved all this rehearsed action and speeches—like everyone shifting around to their designated spots in a chess game. She felt that she would rather be openly bought like an Eastern daughter, where no one feels degraded by participating in such a contract. The fallout from all this "brilliant management" from Mr. Bradshaw would have been very unfortunate for Mr. Farquhar (who was completely unaware of any of the schemes—indeed, he would have been just as annoyed by them as Jemima, had he known), but the impression made on him by Ruth on the recent evening I described was intensified by the contrast of her behavior to Miss Bradshaw's on a couple of more recent occasions.
There was no use, he thought, in continuing attentions so evidently distasteful to Jemima. To her, a young girl hardly out of the schoolroom, he probably appeared like an old man; and he might even lose the friendship with which she used to regard him, and which was, and ever would be, very dear to him, if he persevered in trying to be considered as a lover. He should always feel affectionately towards her; her very faults gave her an interest in his eyes, for which he had blamed himself most conscientiously and most uselessly when he was looking upon her as his future wife, but which the said conscience would learn to approve of when she sank down to the place of a young friend, over whom he might exercise a good and salutary interest. Mrs Denbigh, if not many months older in years, had known sorrow and cares so early that she was much older in character. Besides, her shy reserve, and her quiet daily walk within the lines of duty, were much in accordance with Mr Farquhar's notion of what a wife should be. Still, it was a wrench to take his affections away from Jemima. If she had not helped him to do so by every means in her power, he could never have accomplished it.
There was no point, he thought, in continuing to pursue someone so clearly uninterested in him like Jemima. To her, a young woman just out of school, he probably seemed like an old man; and if he kept trying to win her as a romantic interest, he might even lose the friendship she once had for him, which was, and always would be, very precious to him. He would always feel affection for her; her flaws made her more interesting to him, something he had chastised himself about when he viewed her as his future wife, but which his conscience would eventually reconcile with once she became just a young friend he could care for in a supportive way. Mrs. Denbigh, although not significantly older in age, had experienced so much hardship and worry early on that she seemed much more mature. Plus, her quiet nature and her steady adherence to her responsibilities fit Mr. Farquhar's idea of what a wife should be. Still, it was hard to shift his feelings away from Jemima. If she hadn't made it easy for him to do so by every means possible, he never would have succeeded.
Yes! by every means in her power had Jemima alienated her lover, her beloved—for so he was in fact. And now her quick-sighted eyes saw he was gone for ever—past recall; for did not her jealous, sore heart feel, even before he himself was conscious of the fact, that he was drawn towards sweet, lovely, composed, and dignified Ruth—one who always thought before she spoke (as Mr Farquhar used to bid Jemima do)—who never was tempted by sudden impulse, but walked the world calm and self-governed. What now availed Jemima's reproaches, as she remembered the days when he had watched her with earnest, attentive eyes, as he now watched Ruth; and the times since, when, led astray by her morbid fancy, she had turned away from all his advances!
Yes! In every way she could, Jemima had pushed her lover, her beloved—who indeed he was—away. And now her sharp eyes saw that he was gone forever—beyond return; for didn’t her jealous, aching heart sense, even before he realized it himself, that he was drawn to sweet, lovely, poised, and dignified Ruth—someone who always thought before she spoke (just as Mr. Farquhar used to advise Jemima to do)—who was never swayed by sudden impulse, but moved through life calm and in control. What good were Jemima's accusations now, as she remembered the days when he had looked at her with eager, attentive eyes, just as he now looked at Ruth; and the times since, when, distracted by her twisted thoughts, she had pushed away all his efforts?
"It was only in March—last March, he called me 'dear Jemima.' Ah, don't I remember it well? The pretty nosegay of green-house flowers that he gave me in exchange for the wild daffodils—and how he seemed to care for the flowers I gave him—and how he looked at me, and thanked me—that is all gone and over now."
"It was only in March—last March, he called me 'dear Jemima.' Ah, don’t I remember that well? The lovely bouquet of greenhouse flowers he gave me in return for the wild daffodils—and how he seemed to appreciate the flowers I gave him—and how he looked at me and thanked me—that's all gone and over now."
Her sisters came in bright and glowing.
Her sisters walked in, radiant and cheerful.
"Oh, Jemima, how nice and cool you are, sitting in this shady room!" (She had felt it even chilly.) "We have been such a long walk! We are so tired. It is so hot."
"Oh, Jemima, you feel so nice and cool sitting in this shady room!" (She had even felt a bit chilly.) "We've had such a long walk! We're so tired. It's so hot."
"Why did you go, then?" said she.
"Why did you go, then?" she asked.
"Oh! we wanted to go. We would not have stayed at home on any account. It has been so pleasant," said Mary.
"Oh! we really wanted to go. There’s no way we would have stayed home. It’s been so nice," said Mary.
"We've been to Scaurside Wood, to gather wild strawberries," said Elizabeth. "Such a quantity! We've left a whole basketful in the dairy. Mr Farquhar says he'll teach us how to dress them in the way he learnt in Germany, if we can get him some hock. Do you think papa will let us have some?"
"We went to Scaurside Wood to pick wild strawberries," said Elizabeth. "We collected so many! We left an entire basket in the dairy. Mr. Farquhar says he’ll show us how to prepare them the way he learned in Germany if we can get him some hock. Do you think Dad will let us have some?"
"Was Mr Farquhar with you?" asked Jemima, a dull light coming into her eyes.
"Was Mr. Farquhar with you?" Jemima asked, a dull light coming into her eyes.
"Yes; we told him this morning that mamma wanted us to take some old linen to the lame man at Scaurside Farm, and that we meant to coax Mrs Denbigh to let us go into the wood and gather strawberries," said Elizabeth.
"Yeah; we told him this morning that mom wanted us to take some old linens to the disabled man at Scaurside Farm, and that we planned to persuade Mrs. Denbigh to let us go into the woods and pick strawberries," said Elizabeth.
"I thought he would make some excuse and come," said the quick-witted Mary, as eager and thoughtless an observer of one love-affair as of another, and quite forgetting that, not many weeks ago, she had fancied an attachment between him and Jemima.
"I thought he would come up with some excuse and show up," said the sharp-minded Mary, as eager and careless in observing one romance as she was in another, completely forgetting that just a few weeks ago, she had imagined there was something going on between him and Jemima.
"Did you? I did not," replied Elizabeth. "At least I never thought about it. I was quite startled when I heard his horse's feet behind us on the road."
"Did you? I didn't," replied Elizabeth. "At least I never considered it. I was pretty surprised when I heard his horse's hooves behind us on the road."
"He said he was going to the farm, and could take our basket. Was not it kind of him?" Jemima did not answer, so Mary continued:
"He said he was going to the farm and could take our basket. Wasn't that nice of him?" Jemima didn't respond, so Mary continued:
"You know it's a great pull up to the farm, and we were so hot already. The road was quite white and baked; it hurt my eyes terribly. I was so glad when Mrs Denbigh said we might turn into the wood. The light was quite green there, the branches are so thick overhead."
"You know it’s a great drive up to the farm, and we were already so hot. The road was really bright and dry; it hurt my eyes a lot. I was so relieved when Mrs. Denbigh said we could turn into the woods. The light was a nice green there, the branches are so thick overhead."
"And there are whole beds of wild strawberries," said Elizabeth, taking up the tale now Mary was out of breath. Mary fanned herself with her bonnet, while Elizabeth went on:
"And there are entire patches of wild strawberries," said Elizabeth, picking up the story now that Mary was out of breath. Mary fanned herself with her bonnet, while Elizabeth continued:
"You know where the grey rock crops out, don't you, Jemima? Well, there was a complete carpet of strawberry runners. So pretty! And we could hardly step without treading the little bright scarlet berries under foot."
"You know where the gray rock sticks out, right, Jemima? Well, there was a whole spread of strawberry runners. So beautiful! And we could barely take a step without crushing the little bright red berries beneath our feet."
"We did so wish for Leonard," put in Mary.
"We really hoped for Leonard," Mary added.
"Yes! but Mrs Denbigh gathered a great many for him. And Mr Farquhar gave her all his."
"Yes! But Mrs. Denbigh collected a lot for him. And Mr. Farquhar gave her everything he had."
"I thought you said he had gone on to Dawson's farm," said Jemima.
"I thought you said he went to Dawson's farm," Jemima said.
"Oh, yes! he just went up there; and then he left his horse there, like a wise man, and came to us in the pretty, cool, green wood. Oh, Jemima, it was so pretty—little flecks of light coming down here and there through the leaves, and quivering on the ground. You must go with us to-morrow."
"Oh, yes! He just went up there; then he left his horse there, like a smart guy, and came to us in the lovely, cool, green woods. Oh, Jemima, it was so beautiful—little spots of light shining down here and there through the leaves and dancing on the ground. You have to come with us tomorrow."
"Yes," said Mary, "we're going again to-morrow. We could not gather nearly all the strawberries."
"Yeah," Mary said, "we're going again tomorrow. We couldn't pick almost all the strawberries."
"And Leonard is to go too, to-morrow."
"And Leonard is going too, tomorrow."
"Yes! we thought of such a capital plan. That's to say, Mr Farquhar thought of it—we wanted to carry Leonard up the hill in a king's cushion, but Mrs Denbigh would not hear of it."
"Yes! We came up with such a great idea. I mean, Mr. Farquhar thought of it—we wanted to carry Leonard up the hill on a luxurious cushion, but Mrs. Denbigh wouldn't allow it."
"She said it would tire us so; and yet she wanted him to gather strawberries!"
"She said it would wear us out, and yet she wanted him to pick strawberries!"
"And so," interrupted Mary, for by this time the two girls were almost speaking together, "Mr Farquhar is to bring him up before him on his horse."
"And so," Mary interrupted, since by this point the two girls were nearly speaking at the same time, "Mr. Farquhar is going to bring him up before him on his horse."
"You'll go with us, won't you, dear Jemima?" asked Elizabeth; "it will be at—"
"You'll come with us, won't you, dear Jemima?" asked Elizabeth; "it will be at—
"No! I can't go!" said Jemima, abruptly. "Don't ask me—I can't."
"No! I can't go!" Jemima exclaimed suddenly. "Don't ask me—I can't."
The little girls were hushed into silence by her manner; for whatever she might be to those above her in age and position, to those below her Jemima was almost invariably gentle. She felt that they were wondering at her.
The little girls were quieted by her demeanor; because no matter what she might be to those older than her or in higher positions, to those younger, Jemima was almost always kind. She sensed that they were curious about her.
"Go upstairs and take off your things. You know papa does not like you to come into this room in the shoes in which you have been out."
"Go upstairs and take off your stuff. You know dad doesn’t like you coming into this room with the shoes you've been wearing outside."
She was glad to cut her sisters short in the details which they were so mercilessly inflicting—details which she must harden herself to, before she could hear them quietly and unmoved. She saw that she had lost her place as the first object in Mr Farquhar's eyes—a position she had hardly cared for while she was secure in the enjoyment of it; but the charm of it now was redoubled, in her acute sense of how she had forfeited it by her own doing, and her own fault. For if he were the cold, calculating man her father had believed him to be, and had represented him as being to her, would he care for a portionless widow in humble circumstances like Mrs Denbigh; no money, no connexion, encumbered with her boy? The very action which proved Mr Farquhar to be lost to Jemima reinstated him on his throne in her fancy. And she must go on in hushed quietness, quivering with every fresh token of his preference for another! That other, too, one so infinitely more worthy of him than herself; so that she could not have even the poor comfort of thinking that he had no discrimination, and was throwing himself away on a common or worthless person. Ruth was beautiful, gentle, good, and conscientious. The hot colour flushed up into Jemima's sallow face as she became aware that, even while she acknowledged these excellences on Mrs Denbigh's part, she hated her. The recollection of her marble face wearied her even to sickness; the tones of her low voice were irritating from their very softness. Her goodness, undoubted as it was, was more distasteful than many faults which had more savour of human struggle in them.
She was glad to interrupt her sisters in the endless details they were so relentlessly sharing—details she needed to toughen herself up for before she could listen to them calmly and without emotion. She realized that she had lost her place as the most important person in Mr. Farquhar's eyes—a position she hadn’t really cared about while she was enjoying it; but now its allure was intensified by her sharp awareness of how she had lost it through her own actions and mistakes. If he really was the cold, calculating man her father believed him to be and had portrayed to her, would he truly care for a poor widow in humble circumstances like Mrs. Denbigh—no money, no connections, burdened with her son? The very fact that Mr. Farquhar seemed to be lost to Jemima only reinforced his status in her mind. And she had to carry on quietly, trembling with every new sign of his preference for someone else! That someone else, too, was infinitely more deserving of him than she was; so much so that she couldn’t even take comfort in thinking he had bad judgement and was settling for someone ordinary or worthless. Ruth was beautiful, gentle, kind, and conscientious. Jemima’s pale face flushed hot as she realized that, even while acknowledging these qualities in Mrs. Denbigh, she hated her. Just the thought of her flawless face made her feel faint; the tones of her soft voice were irritating in their very gentleness. Her goodness, as undeniable as it was, felt more distasteful than many flaws that reflected genuine human struggle.
"What was this terrible demon in her heart?" asked Jemima's better angel. "Was she, indeed, given up to possession? Was not this the old stinging hatred which had prompted so many crimes? The hatred of all sweet virtues which might win the love denied to us? The old anger that wrought in the elder brother's heart, till it ended in the murder of the gentle Abel, while yet the world was young?"
"What was this awful demon in her heart?" asked Jemima's better self. "Had she really given in to possession? Was this not the same bitter hatred that had led to so many crimes? The hatred of all the beautiful qualities that could earn the love we were denied? The same anger that consumed the elder brother's heart, until it resulted in the murder of the gentle Abel, back when the world was still young?"
"Oh, God! help me! I did not know I was so wicked," cried Jemima aloud in her agony. It had been a terrible glimpse into the dark, lurid gulf—the capability for evil, in her heart. She wrestled with the demon, but he would not depart; it was to be a struggle whether or not she was to be given up to him, in this her time of sore temptation.
"Oh, God! Help me! I had no idea I was so evil," Jemima cried out in pain. She had caught a horrifying glimpse into the dark, unsettling depths of her own heart—the potential for wrongdoing. She fought against the demon, but it wouldn't leave; it was a battle for her soul during this difficult moment of temptation.
All the next day long she sat and pictured the happy strawberry gathering going on, even then, in pleasant Scaurside Wood. Every touch of fancy which could heighten her idea of their enjoyment, and of Mr Farquhar's attention to the blushing, conscious Ruth—every such touch which would add a pang to her self-reproach and keen jealousy, was added by her imagination. She got up and walked about, to try and stop her over-busy fancy by bodily exercise. But she had eaten little all day, and was weak and faint in the intense heat of the sunny garden. Even the long grass-walk under the filbert-hedge, was parched and dry in the glowing August sun. Yet her sisters found her there when they returned, walking quickly up and down, as if to warm herself on some winter's day. They were very weary; and not half so communicative as on the day before, now that Jemima was craving for every detail to add to her agony.
All the next day, she sat and imagined the fun strawberry picking happening in Scaurside Wood. Every fancy that could make her picture their enjoyment and Mr. Farquhar’s attention to the blushing, aware Ruth only added to her self-reproach and sharp jealousy, fueled by her imagination. She got up and walked around, trying to distract herself with physical activity. But she hadn’t eaten much all day and felt weak and faint in the intense heat of the sunny garden. Even the long grassy path under the filbert hedge was parched and dry in the scorching August sun. Her sisters found her there when they returned, pacing back and forth, as if trying to warm up on a winter's day. They were very tired and not nearly as chatty as the day before, especially since Jemima was eager for every detail to amplify her misery.
"Yes! Leonard came up before Mr Farquhar. Oh! how hot it is, Jemima; do sit down, and I'll tell you about it, but I can't if you keep walking so!"
"Yes! Leonard arrived before Mr. Farquhar. Oh! it’s so hot, Jemima; please sit down, and I’ll tell you about it, but I can’t if you keep pacing like that!"
"I can't sit still to-day," said Jemima, springing up from the turf as soon as she had sat down. "Tell me! I can hear you while I walk about."
"I can't sit still today," Jemima said, jumping up from the grass as soon as she sat down. "Tell me! I can listen while I walk around."
"Oh! but I can't shout; I can hardly speak I am so tired. Mr Farquhar brought Leonard—"
"Oh! but I can't shout; I can hardly speak. I'm so tired. Mr. Farquhar brought Leonard—"
"You've told me that before," said Jemima, sharply.
"You’ve said that before," Jemima replied sharply.
"Well! I don't know what else to tell. Somebody had been since yesterday, and gathered nearly all the strawberries off the grey rock. Jemima! Jemima!" said Elizabeth, faintly, "I am so dizzy—I think I am ill."
"Well! I don't know what else to say. Someone had been since yesterday and picked almost all the strawberries off the gray rock. Jemima! Jemima!" said Elizabeth weakly, "I'm so dizzy—I think I'm going to be sick."
The next minute the tired girl lay swooning on the grass. It was an outlet for Jemima's fierce energy. With a strength she had never again, and never had known before, she lifted up her fainting sister, and bidding Mary run and clear the way, she carried her in through the open garden-door, up the wide old-fashioned stairs, and laid her on the bed in her own room, where the breeze from the window came softly and pleasantly through the green shade of the vine-leaves and jessamine.
The next minute, the exhausted girl was sprawled on the grass. It was an outlet for Jemima's intense energy. With a strength she had never experienced before and would never have again, she lifted her fainting sister and told Mary to run ahead and clear the way. She carried her through the open garden door, up the wide old-fashioned stairs, and laid her on the bed in her own room, where a gentle breeze from the window flowed softly through the green shade of the vine leaves and jasmine.
"Give me the water. Run for mamma, Mary," said Jemima, as she saw that the fainting-fit did not yield to the usual remedy of a horizontal position and the water sprinkling.
"Give me the water. Run for Mom, Mary," said Jemima, as she noticed that the fainting spell wasn't responding to the usual remedy of lying down and splashing water.
"Dear! dear Lizzie!" said Jemima, kissing the pale, unconscious face. "I think you loved me, darling."
"Dear! dear Lizzie!" said Jemima, kissing the pale, unconscious face. "I think you loved me, sweetheart."
The long walk on the hot day had been too much for the delicate Elizabeth, who was fast outgrowing her strength. It was many days before she regained any portion of her spirit and vigour. After that fainting-fit, she lay listless and weary, without appetite or interest, through the long sunny autumn weather, on the bed or on the couch in Jemima's room, whither she had been carried at first. It was a comfort to Mrs Bradshaw to be able at once to discover what it was that had knocked up Elizabeth; she did not rest easily until she had settled upon a cause for every ailment or illness in the family. It was a stern consolation to Mr Bradshaw, during his time of anxiety respecting his daughter, to be able to blame somebody. He could not, like his wife, have taken comfort from an inanimate fact; he wanted the satisfaction of feeling that some one had been in fault, or else this never could have happened. Poor Ruth did not need his implied reproaches. When she saw her gentle Elizabeth lying feeble and languid, her heart blamed her for thoughtlessness so severely as to make her take all Mr Bradshaw's words and hints as too light censure for the careless way in which, to please her own child, she had allowed her two pupils to fatigue themselves with such long walks. She begged hard to take her share of nursing. Every spare moment she went to Mr Bradshaw's, and asked, with earnest humility, to be allowed to pass them with Elizabeth; and, as it was often a relief to have her assistance, Mrs Bradshaw received these entreaties very kindly, and desired her to go upstairs, where Elizabeth's pale countenance brightened when she saw her, but where Jemima sat in silent annoyance that her own room was now become open ground for one, whom her heart rose up against, to enter in and be welcomed. Whether it was that Ruth, who was not an inmate of the house, brought with her a fresher air, more change of thought to the invalid, I do not know, but Elizabeth always gave her a peculiarly tender greeting; and if she had sunk down into languid fatigue, in spite of all Jemima's endeavours to interest her, she roused up into animation when Ruth came in with a flower, a book, or a brown and ruddy pear, sending out the warm fragrance it retained from the sunny garden-wall at Chapel-house.
The long walk on that hot day had been too much for the fragile Elizabeth, who was quickly losing her strength. It took her many days to regain any of her spirit and energy. After that fainting episode, she lay around feeling listless and tired, without any appetite or interest, during the long, sunny autumn weather, either in bed or on the couch in Jemima's room, where she had initially been taken. Mrs. Bradshaw found some comfort in immediately figuring out what had caused Elizabeth's collapse; she never felt at ease until she had identified a reason for every ailment or illness in the family. For Mr. Bradshaw, during his time of worry about his daughter, it was a harsh relief to blame someone. Unlike his wife, who could find comfort in an objective fact, he wanted the satisfaction of believing that someone was at fault, or else this could never have happened. Poor Ruth didn’t need his implied accusations. When she saw her gentle Elizabeth lying weak and fatigued, she greatly blamed herself for her carelessness and felt that Mr. Bradshaw’s words and suggestions were too mild an admonishment for the way she had allowed her two students to tire themselves out with such long walks, just to please her own child. She earnestly begged to help with the nursing. Every free moment, she went over to Mr. Bradshaw's and, with genuine humility, asked to be allowed to spend time with Elizabeth; and since it was often a relief to have her help, Mrs. Bradshaw welcomed these requests warmly and told her to go upstairs, where Elizabeth’s pale face brightened at the sight of her, but where Jemima sat in silent irritation that her own room was now open to someone her heart resented, who was being welcomed. I don't know if it was because Ruth, not being a resident of the house, brought a fresher atmosphere and more varied thoughts to the sick girl, but Elizabeth always greeted her with special warmth; and even if she had sunk into weary fatigue, despite Jemima's attempts to engage her, she would perk up when Ruth arrived with a flower, a book, or a brown and red pear, releasing the warm fragrance it had absorbed from the sunny garden wall at Chapel-house.
The jealous dislike which Jemima was allowing to grow up in her heart against Ruth was, as she thought, never shown in word or deed. She was cold in manner, because she could not be hypocritical; but her words were polite and kind in purport; and she took pains to make her actions the same as formerly. But rule and line may measure out the figure of a man; it is the soul that gives it life; and there was no soul, no inner meaning, breathing out in Jemima's actions. Ruth felt the change acutely. She suffered from it some time before she ventured to ask what had occasioned it. But, one day, she took Miss Bradshaw by surprise, when they were alone together for a few minutes, by asking her if she had vexed her in any way, she was so changed? It is sad when friendship has cooled so far as to render such a question necessary. Jemima went rather paler than usual, and then made answer:
The jealousy that Jemima was letting build up in her heart against Ruth, she believed, was never expressed in her words or actions. She was cold in her demeanor because she couldn't pretend, but her words were polite and kind. She made an effort to keep her actions the same as before. However, while rules and boundaries can define a person's shape, it's the soul that gives it life; and there was no soul, no deeper meaning, reflecting in Jemima's actions. Ruth felt the change deeply. She struggled with it for a while before she dared to ask what had caused it. But one day, she surprised Miss Bradshaw when they were alone for a few moments by asking if she had upset her in any way, as she seemed so different. It’s sad when a friendship cools to the point where such a question is needed. Jemima turned a bit paler than usual and then replied:
"Changed! How do you mean? How am I changed? What do I say or do different from what I used to do?"
"Changed! What do you mean? How am I different? What am I saying or doing that's not like before?"
But the tone was so constrained and cold, that Ruth's heart sank within her. She knew now, as well as words could have told her, that not only had the old feeling of love passed away from Jemima, but that it had gone unregretted, and no attempt had been made to recall it. Love was very precious to Ruth now, as of old time. It was one of the faults of her nature to be ready to make any sacrifices for those who loved her, and to value affection almost above its price. She had yet to learn the lesson, that it is more blessed to love than to be beloved; and lonely as the impressible years of her youth had been—without parents, without brother or sister—it was, perhaps, no wonder that she clung tenaciously to every symptom of regard, and could not relinquish the love of any one without a pang.
But the tone was so restrained and cold that Ruth's heart sank. She realized now, as clearly as if someone had told her, that not only had Jemima’s old feelings of love faded away, but that it had done so without any regret, and no effort had been made to bring it back. Love was incredibly valuable to Ruth now, just like it used to be. One of her flaws was that she was always willing to make sacrifices for those who loved her and valued affection almost too highly. She still needed to learn the lesson that it’s better to love than to be loved. And given how lonely her youth had been—without parents, without siblings—it’s perhaps no surprise that she held on tightly to any sign of affection and couldn’t let go of anyone’s love without feeling heartache.
The doctor who was called in to Elizabeth prescribed sea-air as the best means of recruiting her strength. Mr Bradshaw, who liked to spend money ostentatiously, went down straight to Abermouth, and engaged a house for the remainder of the autumn; for, as he told the medical man, money was no object to him in comparison with his children's health; and the doctor cared too little about the mode in which his remedy was administered, to tell Mr Bradshaw that lodgings would have done as well, or better, than the complete house he had seen fit to take. For it was now necessary to engage servants, and take much trouble, which might have been obviated, and Elizabeth's removal effected more quietly and speedily, if she had gone into lodgings. As it was, she was weary of hearing all the planning and talking, and deciding and un-deciding, and re-deciding, before it was possible for her to go. Her only comfort was in the thought that dear Mrs Denbigh was to go with her.
The doctor who was called in for Elizabeth suggested that she spend time by the sea to regain her strength. Mr. Bradshaw, who enjoyed spending money in a showy way, quickly headed to Abermouth and rented a house for the rest of the autumn. He told the doctor that money wasn’t a concern for him compared to his children’s health. The doctor didn’t care much about how his advice was followed, so he didn’t mention that a simple rental would have been just as good, if not better, than the entire house Mr. Bradshaw decided to rent. Now, Mr. Bradshaw had to hire staff and deal with all the hassles, which could have been avoided if Elizabeth had just moved into a rental. As it was, she felt exhausted from all the planning, talking, deciding, and then changing those decisions over and over before she could actually leave. The only thing that gave her comfort was knowing that dear Mrs. Denbigh would go with her.
It had not been entirely by way of pompously spending his money that Mr Bradshaw had engaged this seaside house. He was glad to get his little girls and their governess out of the way; for a busy time was impending, when he should want his head clear for electioneering purposes, and his house clear for electioneering hospitality. He was the mover of a project for bringing forward a man on the Liberal and Dissenting interest, to contest the election with the old Tory member, who had on several successive occasions walked over the course, as he and his family owned half the town, and votes and rent were paid alike to the landlord.
It wasn't just a showy way of spending his money that led Mr. Bradshaw to rent this seaside house. He was happy to send his little girls and their governess away; a busy time was approaching when he would need a clear head for his election campaigning and a clear house for hosting election events. He was behind a plan to put forward a candidate who represented the Liberal and Dissenting interests to challenge the long-standing Tory member, who had comfortably won the elections for several terms since he and his family owned half the town, where votes and rent were paid directly to the landlord.
Kings of Eccleston had Mr Cranworth and his ancestors been this many a long year; their right was so little disputed that they never thought of acknowledging the allegiance so readily paid to them. The old feudal feeling between land-owner and tenant did not quake prophetically at the introduction of manufactures; the Cranworth family ignored the growing power of the manufacturers, more especially as the principal person engaged in the trade was a Dissenter. But notwithstanding this lack of patronage from the one great family in the neighbourhood, the business flourished, increased, and spread wide; and the Dissenting head thereof looked around, about the time of which I speak, and felt himself powerful enough to defy the great Cranworth interest even in their hereditary stronghold, and, by so doing, avenge the slights of many years—slights which rankled in Mr Bradshaw's mind as much as if he did not go to chapel twice every Sunday, and pay the largest pew-rent of any member of Mr Benson's congregation.
The Kings of Eccleston had been Mr. Cranworth and his ancestors for many years; their right was so uncontested that they never thought to acknowledge the loyalty that was so willingly given to them. The old feudal relationship between landowner and tenant didn’t shake with the rise of manufacturing; the Cranworth family overlooked the increasing influence of the manufacturers, especially since the main person involved in the trade was a Dissenter. However, despite the lack of support from the prominent family in the area, the business thrived, grew, and expanded. Around the time I'm referring to, the Dissenting leader felt strong enough to challenge the powerful Cranworth clan even in their traditional stronghold, and, in doing so, to get back at the slights he had endured for many years—slights that bothered Mr. Bradshaw as much as if he didn't attend chapel twice every Sunday and paid the highest pew-rent of anyone in Mr. Benson's congregation.
Accordingly, Mr Bradshaw had applied to one of the Liberal parliamentary agents in London—a man whose only principle was to do wrong on the Liberal side; he would not act, right or wrong, for a Tory, but for a Whig the latitude of his conscience had never yet been discovered. It was possible Mr Bradshaw was not aware of the character of this agent; at any rate, he knew he was the man for his purpose, which was to hear of some one who would come forward as a candidate for the representation of Eccleston on the Dissenting interest.
Accordingly, Mr. Bradshaw reached out to one of the Liberal agents in London—a guy whose only rule was to do wrong for the Liberal side; he wouldn’t act, right or wrong, for a Tory, but as for a Whig, the limits of his conscience were still unknown. Mr. Bradshaw may not have realized the true nature of this agent; nonetheless, he knew he was the right person for his goal, which was to find someone to step up as a candidate representing Eccleston on behalf of the Dissenting interest.
"There are in round numbers about six hundred voters," said he; "two hundred are decidedly in the Cranworth interest—dare not offend Mr Cranworth, poor souls! Two hundred more we may calculate upon as pretty certain—factory hands, or people connected with our trade in some way or another—who are indignant at the stubborn way in which Cranworth has contested the right of water; two hundred are doubtful."
"There are roughly six hundred voters," he said. "Two hundred are clearly in the Cranworth camp—afraid to upset Mr. Cranworth, poor things! We can count on another two hundred who are pretty much guaranteed—factory workers or people somehow linked to our trade—who are upset about how stubbornly Cranworth has fought over the water rights; two hundred are undecided."
"Don't much care either way," said the parliamentary agent. "Of course, we must make them care."
"Honestly, I don’t really care either way," said the parliamentary agent. "But we definitely need to make them care."
Mr Bradshaw rather shrunk from the knowing look with which this was said. He hoped that Mr Pilson did not mean to allude to bribery; but he did not express this hope, because he thought it would deter the agent from using this means, and it was possible it might prove to be the only way. And if he (Mr Bradshaw) once embarked on such an enterprise, there must be no failure. By some expedient or another, success must be certain, or he could have nothing to do with it.
Mr. Bradshaw felt uncomfortable with the knowing look that accompanied those words. He hoped that Mr. Pilson wasn’t hinting at bribery, but he didn’t voice this hope for fear it would discourage the agent from considering that option, which might be the only solution. If Mr. Bradshaw decided to go down that path, failure wasn’t an option. By some means or another, he had to ensure success, or he wouldn’t get involved at all.
The parliamentary agent was well accustomed to deal with all kinds and shades of scruples. He was most at home with men who had none; but still he could allow for human weakness; and he perfectly understood Mr Bradshaw.
The parliamentary agent was quite used to handling all kinds and levels of doubts. He felt most comfortable with people who had none, but he could still empathize with human flaws; he completely understood Mr. Bradshaw.
"I have a notion I know of a man who will just suit your purpose. Plenty of money—does not know what to do with it, in fact—tired of yachting, travelling; wants something new. I heard, through some of the means of intelligence I employ, that not very long ago he was wishing for a seat in Parliament."
"I have an idea about a guy who would be perfect for what you need. He has plenty of money and honestly doesn’t know what to do with it, tired of yachting and traveling; he’s looking for something new. I heard, through some of my sources, that not too long ago he was hoping for a seat in Parliament."
"A Liberal?" said Mr Bradshaw.
"A Liberal?" asked Mr. Bradshaw.
"Decidedly. Belongs to a family who were in the Long Parliament in their day."
"Definitely. Comes from a family that was part of the Long Parliament in their time."
Mr Bradshaw rubbed his hands.
Mr. Bradshaw rubbed his hands.
"Dissenter?" asked he.
"Are you a dissenter?" he asked.
"No, no! Not so far as that. But very lax Church."
"No, no! Not by a long shot. Just a very relaxed Church."
"What is his name?" asked Mr Bradshaw, eagerly.
"What’s his name?" Mr. Bradshaw asked eagerly.
"Excuse me. Until I am certain that he would like to come forward for Eccleston, I think I had better not mention his name."
"Excuse me. Until I'm sure that he wants to come forward for Eccleston, I think it's best not to mention his name."
The anonymous gentleman did like to come forward, and his name proved to be Donne. He and Mr Bradshaw had been in correspondence during all the time of Mr Ralph Cranworth's illness; and when he died, everything was arranged ready for a start, even before the Cranworths had determined who should keep the seat warm till the eldest son came of age, for the father was already member for the county. Mr Donne was to come down to canvass in person, and was to take up his abode at Mr Bradshaw's; and therefore it was that the seaside house, within twenty miles' distance of Eccleston, was found to be so convenient as an infirmary and nursery for those members of his family who were likely to be useless, if not positive encumbrances, during the forthcoming election.
The anonymous gentleman was eager to step forward, and his name turned out to be Donne. He and Mr. Bradshaw had been corresponding throughout Mr. Ralph Cranworth's illness; and when he passed away, everything was set for a start, even before the Cranworths decided who would hold the position temporarily until the eldest son turned of age, since the father was already the county member. Mr. Donne was supposed to come down to campaign in person and stay at Mr. Bradshaw's place; that’s why the seaside house, located within twenty miles of Eccleston, was considered so convenient as a place for those family members who might be more of a liability than a help during the upcoming election.
CHAPTER XXII
The Liberal Candidate and His Precursor
Jemima did not know whether she wished to go to Abermouth or not. She longed for change. She wearied of the sights and sounds of home. But yet she could not bear to leave the neighbourhood of Mr Farquhar; especially as, if she went to Abermouth, Ruth would in all probability be left to take her holiday at home.
Jemima wasn't sure if she wanted to go to Abermouth or not. She craved a change. She was tired of the sights and sounds of home. But she couldn't stand the thought of leaving Mr. Farquhar's neighborhood; especially since if she went to Abermouth, Ruth would likely have to spend her holiday at home.
When Mr Bradshaw decided that she was to go, Ruth tried to feel glad that he gave her the means of repairing her fault towards Elizabeth; and she resolved to watch over the two girls most faithfully and carefully, and to do all in her power to restore the invalid to health. But a tremor came over her whenever she thought of leaving Leonard; she had never quitted him for a day, and it seemed to her as if her brooding, constant care was his natural and necessary shelter from all evils—from very death itself. She would not go to sleep at nights, in order to enjoy the blessed consciousness of having him near her; when she was away from him teaching her pupils, she kept trying to remember his face, and print it deep on her heart, against the time when days and days would elapse without her seeing that little darling countenance. Miss Benson would wonder to her brother that Mr Bradshaw did not propose that Leonard should accompany his mother; he only begged her not to put such an idea into Ruth's head, as he was sure Mr Bradshaw had no thoughts of doing any such thing, yet to Ruth it might be a hope, and then a disappointment. His sister scolded him for being so cold-hearted; but he was full of sympathy, although he did not express it, and made some quiet little sacrifices in order to set himself at liberty to take Leonard a long walking expedition on the day when his mother left Eccleston.
When Mr. Bradshaw decided that she was leaving, Ruth tried to feel glad that he was giving her the chance to make amends for her mistake with Elizabeth. She resolved to take great care of the two girls and to do everything she could to help the sick one recover. But she felt a shiver whenever she thought about leaving Leonard; she had never been apart from him for a day, and it felt to her like her constant care was his natural and essential protection from all dangers—even from death itself. She wouldn’t sleep at night, wanting to enjoy the comfort of having him close by; when she was away from him teaching her students, she kept trying to remember his face, etching it deep in her heart for the days when too much time would pass without seeing that sweet little face. Miss Benson wondered to her brother why Mr. Bradshaw hadn’t suggested that Leonard accompany his mother; he only asked her not to put such an idea in Ruth's head, as he was sure Mr. Bradshaw had no intention of doing that. Still, to Ruth, it felt like a ray of hope that could turn into disappointment. His sister scolded him for being so unfeeling, but he was full of sympathy, even if he didn’t show it, and made some quiet little sacrifices to free himself to take Leonard on a long walking trip the day his mother left Eccleston.
Ruth cried until she could cry no longer, and felt very much ashamed of herself as she saw the grave and wondering looks of her pupils, whose only feeling on leaving home was delight at the idea of Abermouth, and into whose minds the possibility of death to any of their beloved ones never entered. Ruth dried her eyes, and spoke cheerfully as soon as she caught the perplexed expression of their faces; and by the time they arrived at Abermouth, she was as much delighted with all the new scenery as they were, and found it hard work to resist their entreaties to go rambling out on the seashore at once; but Elizabeth had undergone more fatigue that day than she had had before for many weeks, and Ruth was determined to be prudent.
Ruth cried until she could cry no more, feeling really ashamed of herself as she noticed the serious and curious looks of her students, who only felt excitement about going to Abermouth and never thought about the possibility of losing any of their loved ones. Ruth wiped her eyes and spoke cheerfully as soon as she saw the confused expressions on their faces; by the time they arrived at Abermouth, she was just as thrilled by all the new sights as they were, and she found it hard to resist their pleas to go exploring along the beach right away. However, Elizabeth had been more fatigued that day than she had been for weeks, and Ruth was determined to be sensible.
Meanwhile, the Bradshaws' house at Eccleston was being rapidly adapted for electioneering hospitality. The partition-wall between the unused drawing-room and the school-room was broken down, in order to admit of folding doors; the "ingenious" upholsterer of the town (and what town does not boast of the upholsterer full of contrivances and resources, in opposition to the upholsterer of steady capital and no imagination, who looks down with uneasy contempt on ingenuity?) had come in to give his opinion, that "nothing could be easier than to convert a bathroom into a bedroom, by the assistance of a little drapery to conceal the shower-bath," the string of which was to be carefully concealed, for fear that the unconscious occupier of the bath-bed might innocently take it for a bell-rope. The professional cook of the town had been already engaged to take up her abode for a month at Mr Bradshaw's, much to the indignation of Betsy, who became a vehement partisan of Mr Cranworth, as soon as ever she heard of the plan of her deposition from sovereign authority in the kitchen, in which she had reigned supreme for fourteen years. Mrs Bradshaw sighed and bemoaned herself in all her leisure moments, which were not many, and wondered why their house was to be turned into an inn for this Mr Donne, when everybody knew that the George was good enough for the Cranworths, who never thought of asking the electors to the Hall;—and they had lived at Cranworth ever since Julius Caesar's time, and if that was not being an old family, she did not know what was. The excitement soothed Jemima. There was something to do. It was she who planned with the upholsterer; it was she who soothed Betsy into angry silence; it was she who persuaded her mother to lie down and rest, while she herself went out to buy the heterogeneous things required to make the family and house presentable to Mr Donne and his precursor—the friend of the parliamentary agent. This latter gentleman never appeared himself on the scene of action, but pulled all the strings notwithstanding. The friend was a Mr Hickson, a lawyer—a briefless barrister, some people called him; but he himself professed a great disgust to the law, as a "great sham," which involved an immensity of underhand action, and truckling, and time-serving, and was perfectly encumbered by useless forms and ceremonies, and dead obsolete words. So, instead of putting his shoulder to the wheel to reform the law, he talked eloquently against it, in such a high-priest style, that it was occasionally a matter of surprise how he could ever have made a friend of the parliamentary agent before mentioned. But, as Mr Hickson himself said, it was the very corruptness of the law which he was fighting against, in doing all he could to effect the return of certain members to Parliament; these certain members being pledged to effect a reform in the law, according to Mr Hickson. And, as he once observed confidentially, "If you had to destroy a hydra-headed monster, would you measure swords with the demon as if he were a gentleman? Would you not rather seize the first weapon that came to hand? And so do I. My great object in life, sir, is to reform the law of England, sir. Once get a majority of Liberal members into the House, and the thing is done. And I consider myself justified, for so high—for, I may say, so holy—an end, in using men's weaknesses to work out my purpose. Of course, if men were angels, or even immaculate—men invulnerable to bribes, we would not bribe."
Meanwhile, the Bradshaws' house in Eccleston was being quickly adapted for election hospitality. The wall separating the unused drawing-room from the schoolroom was knocked down to make way for folding doors. The town's "innovative" upholsterer (and what town doesn't have an upholsterer full of clever ideas, as opposed to the one with steady capital and no creativity, who looks down on ingenuity with discomfort?) had come in to share his opinion that "nothing could be easier than converting a bathroom into a bedroom, with a bit of drapery to hide the shower," the cord for which had to be carefully concealed, in case the unsuspecting person using the bath-bed might mistake it for a bell-rope. The town's professional cook had already been hired to stay at Mr. Bradshaw's for a month, which infuriated Betsy, who immediately became a strong supporter of Mr. Cranworth upon hearing about the plan to replace her, having ruled the kitchen for fourteen years. Mrs. Bradshaw sighed and lamented during her few free moments, wondering why their home was being turned into an inn for Mr. Donne, when everyone knew the George was good enough for the Cranworths, who never invited the voters to the Hall; they had lived at Cranworth since Julius Caesar's time, and if that wasn’t being an old family, she didn’t know what was. The excitement calmed Jemima. There was something to do. She was the one who coordinated with the upholsterer; she quieted Betsy into angry silence; she persuaded her mother to lie down and rest while she went out to buy the various items needed to make the family and house presentable for Mr. Donne and his associate—the parliamentary agent's friend. This friend, Mr. Hickson, a lawyer—some called him a briefless barrister—never made an appearance himself, but he pulled all the strings nonetheless. He expressed a deep disdain for the law, calling it a "great sham" filled with underhanded dealings, ingratiating behavior, and bogged down by unnecessary rules and outdated terminology. Instead of trying to change the law, he spoke passionately against it, in a manner so elevated that it was sometimes surprising he had befriended the aforementioned parliamentary agent. However, as Mr. Hickson put it, he was fighting against the very corruption of the law by doing everything he could to help certain candidates get elected to Parliament; these candidates were committed to reforming the law, according to Mr. Hickson. And as he once confidentially remarked, "If you had to destroy a hydra-headed monster, would you face the beast as if he were a gentleman? Wouldn't you grab the first weapon available? That's what I do. My main goal in life, sir, is to reform the law of England. Once we get a majority of Liberal members into the House, it’ll be done. I believe I am justified, for such a noble—indeed, so sacred—purpose, in exploiting human weaknesses to achieve my aim. Of course, if men were angels, or even faultless—men immune to bribes, we wouldn't bribe."
"Could you?" asked Jemima, for the conversation took place at Mr Bradshaw's dinner-table, where a few friends were gathered together to meet Mr Hickson; and among them was Mr Benson.
"Could you?" Jemima asked, as the conversation was happening at Mr. Bradshaw's dinner table, where a few friends had come together to meet Mr. Hickson; and among them was Mr. Benson.
"We neither would nor could," said the ardent barrister, disregarding in his vehemence the point of the question, and floating on over the bar of argument into the wide ocean of his own eloquence: "As it is—as the world stands, they who would succeed even in good deeds must come down to the level of expediency; and therefore, I say once more, if Mr Donne is the man for your purpose, and your purpose is a good one, a lofty one, a holy one" (for Mr Hickson remembered the Dissenting character of his little audience, and privately considered the introduction of the word "holy" a most happy hit), "then, I say, we must put all the squeamish scruples which might befit Utopia, or some such place, on one side, and treat men as they are. If they are avaricious, it is not we who have made them so; but as we have to do with them, we must consider their failings in dealing with them; if they have been careless or extravagant, or have had their little peccadillos, we must administer the screw. The glorious reform of the law will justify, in my idea, all means to obtain the end—that law, from the profession of which I have withdrawn myself from perhaps a too scrupulous conscience!" he concluded softly to himself.
"We neither would nor could," said the passionate lawyer, ignoring the main point of the question in his enthusiasm and drifting into the vast sea of his own eloquence: "As it stands now, those who want to succeed even in good actions must lower themselves to the level of practicality; and so I say again, if Mr. Donne is the right person for your needs, and your purpose is a good one, a noble one, a holy one" (for Mr. Hickson remembered the Dissenting nature of his small audience and privately thought using the word "holy" was a clever move), "then we must set aside all the delicate scruples that might belong to Utopia or some place like that and treat people as they really are. If they are greedy, we didn’t make them that way; but since we have to work with them, we must acknowledge their flaws. If they have been careless or extravagant, or have their minor faults, we must apply pressure. The great reform of the law will justify, in my opinion, any means necessary to achieve the end—that law, from which I have withdrawn, perhaps due to an overly cautious conscience!" he concluded softly to himself.
"We are not to do evil that good may come," said Mr Benson. He was startled at the deep sound of his own voice as he uttered these words; but he had not been speaking for some time, and his voice came forth strong and unmodulated.
"We shouldn't do something bad just so that something good happens," said Mr. Benson. He was taken aback by the deep tone of his own voice as he spoke these words; he hadn't said anything for a while, and his voice came out strong and steady.
"True, sir; most true," said Mr Hickson, bowing. "I honour you for the observation." And he profited by it, insomuch that he confined his further remarks on elections to the end of the table, where he sat near Mr Bradshaw, and one or two equally eager, though not equally influential partisans of Mr Donne's. Meanwhile, Mr Farquhar took up Mr Benson's quotation, at the end where he and Jemima sat near to Mrs Bradshaw and him.
"Absolutely, sir; very true," said Mr. Hickson, bowing. "I appreciate your insight." He took this to heart, so he kept his comments about elections limited to the end of the table, where he was sitting close to Mr. Bradshaw and a couple of other enthusiastic, though less influential, supporters of Mr. Donne. In the meantime, Mr. Farquhar picked up on Mr. Benson's quote, from where he and Jemima were sitting near Mrs. Bradshaw and him.
"But in the present state of the world, as Mr Hickson says, it is rather difficult to act upon that precept."
"But in today's world, as Mr. Hickson says, it’s pretty challenging to follow that advice."
"Oh, Mr Farquhar!" said Jemima, indignantly, the tears springing to her eyes with a feeling of disappointment. For she had been chafing under all that Mr Hickson had been saying, perhaps the more for one or two attempts on his part at a flirtation with the daughter of his wealthy host, which she resented with all the loathing of a pre-occupied heart; and she had longed to be a man, to speak out her wrath at this paltering with right and wrong. She had felt grateful to Mr Benson for his one clear, short precept, coming down with a divine force against which there was no appeal; and now to have Mr Farquhar taking the side of expediency! It was too bad.
"Oh, Mr. Farquhar!" Jemima exclaimed, her voice filled with indignation as tears welled up in her eyes from disappointment. She had been struggling with everything Mr. Hickson had said, especially since he had made a few flirty gestures toward the daughter of his rich host, which she despised with the full intensity of her occupied heart. She wished she could be a man so she could express her anger at this juggling of right and wrong. She appreciated Mr. Benson for his straightforward, powerful advice that left no room for debate; and now to see Mr. Farquhar siding with expediency! It was just too much.
"Nay, Jemima!" said Mr Farquhar, touched, and secretly flattered by the visible pain his speech had given. "Don't be indignant with me till I have explained myself a little more. I don't understand myself yet; and it is a very intricate question, or so it appears to me, which I was going to put, really, earnestly, and humbly, for Mr Benson's opinion. Now, Mr Benson, may I ask, if you always find it practicable to act strictly in accordance with that principle? For if you do not, I am sure no man living can! Are there not occasions when it is absolutely necessary to wade through evil to good? I am not speaking in the careless, presumptuous way of that man yonder," said he, lowering his voice, and addressing himself to Jemima more exclusively; "I am really anxious to hear what Mr Benson will say on the subject, for I know no one to whose candid opinion I should attach more weight."
"Come on, Jemima!" said Mr. Farquhar, touched and secretly flattered by the visible pain his words had caused. "Don’t be upset with me until I explain myself a bit more. I don’t even get it myself yet; it seems like a really complicated question, and I was going to ask Mr. Benson for his opinion, honestly and humbly. So, Mr. Benson, can I ask if you always find it possible to act strictly according to that principle? Because if you don’t, I’m sure no one can! Aren’t there times when it’s absolutely necessary to go through some bad to get to the good? I’m not talking like that careless, arrogant guy over there," he said, lowering his voice and focusing more on Jemima; "I’m really eager to hear what Mr. Benson thinks about this, because there’s no one whose honest opinion I would value more."
But Mr Benson was silent. He did not see Mrs Bradshaw and Jemima leave the room. He was really, as Mr Farquhar supposed him, completely absent, questioning himself as to how far his practice tallied with his principle. By degrees he came to himself; he found the conversation still turned on the election; and Mr Hickson, who felt that he had jarred against the little minister's principles, and yet knew, from the carte du pays which the scouts of the parliamentary agent had given him, that Mr Benson was a person to be conciliated, on account of his influence over many of the working people, began to ask him questions with an air of deferring to superior knowledge, that almost surprised Mr Bradshaw, who had been accustomed to treat "Benson" in a very different fashion, of civil condescending indulgence, just as one listens to a child who can have had no opportunities of knowing better.
But Mr. Benson was silent. He didn't notice when Mrs. Bradshaw and Jemima left the room. He was really, as Mr. Farquhar thought, completely lost in thought, wondering how closely his actions matched his principles. Gradually, he became aware of his surroundings; the conversation was still focused on the election. Mr. Hickson, who realized that he had brushed against the little minister's principles but also knew, from the information the parliamentary agent's scouts had provided, that Mr. Benson was someone to win over because of his influence with many working-class people, started asking him questions with an attitude of deferring to greater knowledge, which almost surprised Mr. Bradshaw. He was used to treating "Benson" in a very different way, with a tone of polite, condescending tolerance, much like how one listens to a child who hasn't had the chance to know better.
At the end of a conversation that Mr Hickson held with Mr Benson, on a subject in which the latter was really interested, and on which he had expressed himself at some length, the young barrister turned to Mr Bradshaw, and said very audibly,
At the end of a conversation that Mr. Hickson had with Mr. Benson about a topic that Mr. Benson was genuinely interested in and had spoken about at length, the young lawyer turned to Mr. Bradshaw and said quite loudly,
"I wish Donne had been here. This conversation during the last half-hour would have interested him almost as much as it has done me."
"I wish Donne had been here. This conversation over the last half-hour would have interested him nearly as much as it has interested me."
Mr Bradshaw little guessed the truth, that Mr Donne was, at that very moment, coaching up the various subjects of public interest in Eccleston, and privately cursing the particular subject on which Mr Benson had been holding forth, as being an unintelligible piece of Quixotism; or the leading Dissenter of the town need not have experienced a pang of jealousy at the possible future admiration his minister might excite in the possible future member for Eccleston. And if Mr Benson had been clairvoyant, he need not have made an especial subject of gratitude out of the likelihood that he might have an opportunity of so far interesting Mr Donne in the condition of the people of Eccleston as to induce him to set his face against any attempts at bribery.
Mr. Bradshaw had no idea that Mr. Donne was, at that very moment, preparing to discuss various topics of public interest in Eccleston, while privately cursing the specific topic Mr. Benson had been talking about, which he saw as an incomprehensible act of idealism. If that had been the case, the town's prominent Dissenter wouldn’t have felt jealous about the admiration his minister might garner from the potential future member for Eccleston. And if Mr. Benson had been able to see the future, he wouldn’t have felt especially grateful for the chance that he might pique Mr. Donne's interest in the people's situation in Eccleston enough to persuade him to oppose any bribery attempts.
Mr Benson thought of this half the night through; and ended by determining to write a sermon on the Christian view of political duties, which might be good for all, both electors and member, to hear on the eve of an election. For Mr Donne was expected at Mr Bradshaw's before the next Sunday; and, of course, as Mr and Miss Benson had settled it, he would appear at the chapel with them on that day. But the stinging conscience refused to be quieted. No present plan of usefulness allayed the aching remembrance of the evil he had done that good might come. Not even the look of Leonard, as the early dawn fell on him, and Mr Benson's sleepless eyes saw the rosy glow on his firm round cheeks; his open mouth, through which the soft, long-drawn breath came gently quivering; and his eyes not fully shut, but closed to outward sight—not even the aspect of the quiet, innocent child could soothe the troubled spirit.
Mr. Benson spent half the night thinking about this and ultimately decided to write a sermon on the Christian perspective of political responsibilities, which would be beneficial for both voters and representatives to hear right before an election. Mr. Donne was expected at Mr. Bradshaw's before the next Sunday, and of course, as Mr. and Miss Benson had arranged, he would attend the chapel with them that day. But his guilty conscience wouldn’t let him find peace. No current plan for helping others eased the painful memory of the wrong he had done for the sake of a greater good. Not even the sight of Leonard, as the early morning light illuminated him, with Mr. Benson’s sleepless eyes catching the rosy glow on his chubby cheeks; his open mouth releasing soft, gentle breaths; and his eyes barely shut, yet closed to the outside world—not even the image of the calm, innocent child could calm his distressed soul.
Leonard and his mother dreamt of each other that night. Her dream of him was one of undefined terror—terror so great that it wakened her up, and she strove not to sleep again, for fear that ominous ghastly dream should return. He, on the contrary, dreamt of her sitting watching and smiling by his bedside, as her gentle self had been many a morning; and when she saw him awake (so it fell out in the dream), she smiled still more sweetly, and bending down she kissed him, and then spread out large, soft, white-feathered wings (which in no way surprised her child—he seemed to have known they were there all along), and sailed away through the open window far into the blue sky of a summer's day. Leonard wakened up then, and remembered how far away she really was—far more distant and inaccessible than the beautiful blue sky to which she had betaken herself in his dream—and cried himself to sleep again.
Leonard and his mom both dreamed of each other that night. Her dream of him was filled with an undefined terror—so intense that it woke her up, and she tried not to fall asleep again, afraid that the horrible dream would come back. He, on the other hand, dreamed of her sitting by his bedside, watching and smiling, just like she had done many mornings before. When she saw him awake (as it happened in the dream), she smiled even more sweetly, bent down to kiss him, and then spread out large, soft, white-feathered wings (which didn’t surprise him at all—he felt like he had known they were there all along) and flew away through the open window into the beautiful blue sky of a summer day. Leonard woke up then and realized how far away she really was—much more distant and unreachable than the lovely blue sky she had flown off to in his dream—and he cried himself back to sleep.
In spite of her absence from her child, which made one great and abiding sorrow, Ruth enjoyed her seaside visit exceedingly. In the first place, there was the delight of seeing Elizabeth's daily and almost hourly improvement. Then, at the doctor's express orders, there were so few lessons to be done, that there was time for the long exploring rambles, which all three delighted in. And when the rain came and the storms blew, the house, with its wild sea-views, was equally delightful.
In spite of missing her child, which was a deep and lasting sadness, Ruth really enjoyed her seaside visit. First, she loved seeing Elizabeth improve day by day and almost hour by hour. Plus, following the doctor's orders, there were so few lessons to complete, giving them plenty of time for the long exploring walks they all loved. Even when the rain poured and storms raged, the house with its dramatic sea views was just as enjoyable.
It was a large house, built on the summit of a rock, which nearly overhung the shore below; there were, to be sure, a series of zigzag tacking paths down the face of this rock, but from the house they could not be seen. Old or delicate people would have considered the situation bleak and exposed; indeed, the present proprietor wanted to dispose of it on this very account; but by its present inhabitants, this exposure and bleakness were called by other names, and considered as charms. From every part of the rooms they saw the grey storms gather on the sea-horizon, and put themselves in marching array; and soon the march became a sweep, and the great dome of the heavens was covered with the lurid clouds, between which and the vivid green earth below there seemed to come a purple atmosphere, making the very threatening beautiful; and by-and-by the house was wrapped in sheets of rain shutting out sky, and sea, and inland view; till, of a sudden, the storm was gone by, and the heavy rain-drops glistened in the sun as they hung on leaf and grass, and the "little birds sang east, and the little birds sang west," and there was a pleasant sound of running waters all abroad.
It was a big house, built on top of a rock that almost jutted out over the shore below. There were some winding paths going down the face of the rock, but you couldn’t see them from the house. Older or more delicate people might have thought the location was bleak and exposed; in fact, the current owner wanted to sell it for that very reason. However, the people living there saw this exposure and bleakness differently and thought of them as unique features. From every room, they could watch grey storms gather on the horizon of the sea, lining up like soldiers. Soon, the formation turned into a sweeping advance, and the vast sky was filled with dark clouds. Between the vivid green earth below and the ominous clouds above, there appeared a purple haze, making the threatening scene beautiful. Then, all of a sudden, the house was surrounded by sheets of rain, blocking the sky, the sea, and the view inland; but then, just as quickly, the storm passed, and the heavy raindrops sparkled in the sunlight as they hung from leaves and grass. The "little birds sang east, and the little birds sang west," and there was a lovely sound of running water everywhere.
"Oh! if papa would but buy this house!" exclaimed Elizabeth, after one such storm, which she had watched silently from the very beginning of the "little cloud no bigger than a man's hand."
"Oh! if dad would just buy this house!" exclaimed Elizabeth, after one such storm, which she had watched quietly from the very beginning of the "little cloud no bigger than a man's hand."
"Mamma would never like it, I am afraid," said Mary. "She would call our delicious gushes of air, draughts, and think we should catch cold."
"Mom would never approve, I’m afraid," said Mary. "She would call our lovely breezes drafts and worry we’d catch a cold."
"Jemima would be on our side. But how long Mrs Denbigh is! I hope she was near enough the post-office when the rain came on!"
"Jemima would be on our side. But Mrs. Denbigh is taking forever! I hope she was close to the post office when the rain started!"
Ruth had gone to "the shop" in the little village, about half-a-mile distant, where all letters were left till fetched. She only expected one, but that one was to tell her of Leonard. She, however, received two; the unexpected one was from Mr Bradshaw, and the news it contained was, if possible, a greater surprise than the letter itself. Mr Bradshaw informed her, that he planned arriving by dinner-time the following Saturday at Eagle's Crag; and more, that he intended bringing Mr Donne and one or two other gentlemen with him, to spend the Sunday there! The letter went on to give every possible direction regarding the household preparations. The dinner-hour was fixed to be at six; but, of course, Ruth and the girls would have dined long before. The (professional) cook would arrive the day before, laden with all the provisions that could not be obtained on the spot. Ruth was to engage a waiter from the inn, and this it was that detained her so long. While she sat in the little parlour, awaiting the coming of the landlady, she could not help wondering why Mr Bradshaw was bringing this strange gentleman to spend two days at Abermouth, and thus giving himself so much trouble and fuss of preparation.
Ruth had gone to "the shop" in the small village, about half a mile away, where all the letters were kept until picked up. She only expected one letter, but that one was supposed to tell her about Leonard. However, she received two; the unexpected one was from Mr. Bradshaw, and the news it contained was, if anything, an even bigger surprise than the letter itself. Mr. Bradshaw informed her that he planned to arrive by dinner time the following Saturday at Eagle's Crag; and more importantly, that he intended to bring Mr. Donne and a couple of other gentlemen with him to spend Sunday there! The letter continued with detailed instructions regarding the household preparations. The dinner hour was set for six; but of course, Ruth and the girls would have already eaten by then. The professional cook would arrive the day before, loaded with all the supplies that couldn’t be acquired on-site. Ruth was supposed to hire a waiter from the inn, and that’s what delayed her for so long. As she sat in the little parlor, waiting for the landlady to arrive, she couldn’t help wondering why Mr. Bradshaw was bringing this unfamiliar gentleman to spend two days at Abermouth and why he was making such a fuss to prepare for it.
There were so many small reasons that went to make up the large one which had convinced Mr Bradshaw of the desirableness of this step, that it was not likely that Ruth should guess at one half of them. In the first place, Miss Benson, in the pride and fulness of her heart, had told Mrs Bradshaw what her brother had told her; how he meant to preach upon the Christian view of the duties involved in political rights; and as, of course, Mrs Bradshaw had told Mr Bradshaw, he began to dislike the idea of attending chapel on that Sunday at all; for he had an uncomfortable idea that by the Christian standard—that divine test of the true and pure—bribery would not be altogether approved of; and yet he was tacitly coming round to the understanding that "packets" would be required, for what purpose both he and Mr Donne were to be supposed to remain ignorant. But it would be very awkward, so near to the time, if he were to be clearly convinced that bribery, however disguised by names and words, was in plain terms a sin. And yet he knew Mr Benson had once or twice convinced him against his will of certain things, which he had thenceforward found it impossible to do, without such great uneasiness of mind, that he had left off doing them, which was sadly against his interest. And if Mr Donne (whom he had intended to take with him to chapel, as fair Dissenting prey) should also become convinced, why, the Cranworths would win the day, and he should be the laughing-stock of Eccleston. No! in this one case bribery must be allowed—was allowable; but it was a great pity human nature was so corrupt, and if his member succeeded, he would double his subscription to the schools, in order that the next generation might be taught better. There were various other reasons, which strengthened Mr Bradshaw in the bright idea of going down to Abermouth for the Sunday; some connected with the out-of-door politics, and some with the domestic. For instance, it had been the plan of the house to have a cold dinner on the Sundays—Mr Bradshaw had piqued himself on this strictness—and yet he had an instinctive feeling that Mr Donne was not quite the man to partake of cold meat for conscience' sake with cheerful indifference to his fare.
There were a lot of small reasons that contributed to the big one that made Mr. Bradshaw believe this was the right thing to do, so Ruth probably wouldn’t guess at even half of them. First of all, Miss Benson, feeling proud and fully confident, had shared with Mrs. Bradshaw what her brother had told her: that he planned to preach about the Christian perspective on the responsibilities tied to political rights. Naturally, Mrs. Bradshaw passed this on to Mr. Bradshaw, who then started to dislike the idea of going to chapel that Sunday; he had an uneasy feeling that, according to Christian standards—the divine measure of what is true and pure—bribery wouldn’t be fully condoned. Yet, he was quietly coming to accept that “packets” would be necessary, though both he and Mr. Donne should pretend to be unaware of the reason. However, it would be quite awkward, so close to the time, if he were to realize that bribery, no matter how it was disguised with different names and words, was simply a sin. Still, he was aware that Mr. Benson had managed to convince him about a few things against his will, and he later found it impossible to keep doing them without such immense discomfort that he stopped, which was unfortunately not good for his interests. And if Mr. Donne (who he had planned to take with him to chapel, hoping he would be an easy target) also became convinced, then the Cranworths would surely win, and he’d end up being the joke of Eccleston. No! In this particular situation, bribery must be permitted—was acceptable; but it was a real shame that human nature was so flawed, and if his candidate succeeded, he would double his donations to the schools so that future generations could be better educated. There were several other reasons that reinforced Mr. Bradshaw’s bright idea of heading to Abermouth for Sunday; some were related to outside politics, and others to family matters. For example, the household had planned to have a cold dinner on Sundays—Mr. Bradshaw took pride in this strictness—but he had an instinctive feeling that Mr. Donne wasn’t the kind of guy to enjoy cold meat out of a sense of duty with a cheerful attitude towards his meal.
Mr Donne had, in fact, taken the Bradshaw household a little by surprise. Before he came, Mr Bradshaw had pleased himself with thinking, that more unlikely things had happened than the espousal of his daughter with the member of a small borough. But this pretty airy bubble burst as soon as he saw Mr Donne; and its very existence was forgotten in less than half an hour, when he felt the quiet but incontestible difference of rank and standard that there was, in every respect, between his guest and his own family. It was not through any circumstance so palpable, and possibly accidental, as the bringing down a servant, whom Mr Donne seemed to consider as much a matter of course as a carpet-bag (though the smart gentleman's arrival "fluttered the Volscians in Corioli" considerably more than his gentle-spoken master's). It was nothing like this; it was something indescribable—a quiet being at ease, and expecting every one else to be so—an attention to women, which was so habitual as to be unconsciously exercised to those subordinate persons in Mr Bradshaw's family—a happy choice of simple and expressive words, some of which it must be confessed were slang, but fashionable slang, and that makes all the difference—a measured, graceful way of utterance, with a style of pronunciation quite different to that of Eccleston. All these put together make but a part of the indescribable whole which unconsciously affected Mr Bradshaw, and established Mr Donne in his estimation as a creature quite different to any he had seen before, and as most unfit to mate with Jemima. Mr Hickson, who had appeared as a model of gentlemanly ease before Mr Donne's arrival, now became vulgar and coarse in Mr Bradshaw's eyes. And yet, such was the charm of that languid, high-bred manner, that Mr Bradshaw "cottoned" (as he expressed it to Mr Farquhar) to his new candidate at once. He was only afraid lest Mr Donne was too indifferent to all things under the sun to care whether he gained or lost the election; but he was reassured after the first conversation they had together on the subject. Mr Donne's eye lightened with an eagerness that was almost fierce, though his tones were as musical, and nearly as slow, as ever; and when Mr Bradshaw alluded distantly to "probable expenses" and "packets," Mr Donne replied,
Mr. Donne really caught the Bradshaw family off guard. Before his arrival, Mr. Bradshaw had convinced himself that stranger things had happened than his daughter marrying a member from a small borough. But that little fantasy popped as soon as he met Mr. Donne, and within half an hour, he completely forgot it ever existed when he sensed the quiet but undeniable differences in rank and status between his guest and his own family. It wasn't anything obvious or accidental, like bringing in a servant, which Mr. Donne treated as casually as his luggage (though the arrival of the well-dressed gentleman certainly stirred the household far more than his polite master's did). It was something indescribable—a calm confidence that expected everyone else to feel the same way—an attentiveness to women that was so ingrained it happened effortlessly to those in subordinate roles in Mr. Bradshaw's family—a clever use of simple yet expressive language, some of which was admittedly trendy slang, but fashionable slang makes all the difference—a measured, graceful way of speaking, with a totally different pronunciation from that of people in Eccleston. All these elements combined created an indescribable impression that unconsciously affected Mr. Bradshaw and established Mr. Donne in his mind as someone quite different from anyone he had met before—not at all suitable for marrying Jemima. Mr. Hickson, who had seemed like the epitome of gentlemanly poise before Mr. Donne arrived, now appeared crass and unrefined to Mr. Bradshaw. Yet, the allure of that relaxed, high-bred demeanor quickly won Mr. Bradshaw over (as he told Mr. Farquhar). He was just worried that Mr. Donne was too indifferent to care about the election results, but he felt reassured after their first conversation on the topic. Mr. Donne's eyes lit up with an eagerness that was almost intense, even though his voice remained as melodic and slow as ever; and when Mr. Bradshaw casually mentioned "possible expenses" and "packets," Mr. Donne replied,
"Oh, of course! disagreeable necessity! Better speak as little about such things as possible; other people can be found to arrange all the dirty work. Neither you nor I would like to soil our fingers by it, I am sure. Four thousand pounds are in Mr Pilson's hands, and I shall never inquire what becomes of them; they may, very probably, be absorbed in the law expenses, you know. I shall let it be clearly understood from the hustings, that I most decidedly disapprove of bribery, and leave the rest to Hickson's management. He is accustomed to these sort of things. I am not."
"Oh, of course! What a necessary evil! It's better to say as little about it as possible; there are others who can handle all the dirty work. I'm sure neither you nor I want to get our hands dirty with it. Four thousand pounds are with Mr. Pilson, and I won’t be asking what happens to them; they’ll likely be swallowed up by legal fees, you know. I’ll make it very clear from the platform that I strongly disapprove of bribery and leave the rest to Hickson to manage. He knows how to deal with this kind of thing. I don’t."
Mr Bradshaw was rather perplexed by this want of bustling energy on the part of the new candidate; and if it had not been for the four thousand pounds aforesaid, would have doubted whether Mr Donne cared sufficiently for the result of the election. Jemima thought differently. She watched her father's visitor attentively, with something like the curious observation which a naturalist bestows on a new species of animal.
Mr. Bradshaw was pretty confused by the lack of energy from the new candidate; and if it hadn't been for the four thousand pounds mentioned earlier, he would have questioned whether Mr. Donne really cared about the election results. Jemima had a different opinion. She observed her father's visitor closely, with a sense of curiosity similar to what a naturalist observes in a new species of animal.
"Do you know what Mr Donne reminds me of, mamma?" said she, one day, as the two sat at work, while the gentlemen were absent canvassing.
"Do you know who Mr. Donne reminds me of, mom?" she said one day, as the two were working while the guys were out campaigning.
"No! he is not like anybody I ever saw. He quite frightens me, by being so ready to open the door for me if I am going out of the room, and by giving me a chair when I come in. I never saw any one like him. Who is it, Jemima?"
"No! He's nothing like anyone I've ever seen. He actually scares me a bit because he's always so quick to open the door for me when I leave the room and offers me a chair when I come in. I've never met anyone like him. Who is it, Jemima?"
"Not any person—not any human being, mamma," said Jemima, half smiling. "Do you remember our stopping at Wakefield once, on our way to Scarborough, and there were horse-races going on somewhere, and some of the racers were in the stables at the inn where we dined?"
"Not anyone—not any human being, Mom," Jemima said with half a smile. "Do you remember when we stopped at Wakefield once on our way to Scarborough, and there were horse races happening nearby, and some of the racehorses were in the stables at the inn where we ate?"
"Yes! I remember it; but what about that?"
"Yes! I remember that; but what about this?"
"Why, Richard, somehow, knew one of the jockeys, and, as we were coming in from our ramble through the town, this man, or boy, asked us to look at one of the racers he had the charge of."
"Why, Richard somehow knew one of the jockeys, and as we were coming back from our walk through the town, this guy, or maybe a boy, asked us to check out one of the racehorses he was in charge of."
"Well, my dear!"
"Well, my friend!"
"Well, mamma! Mr Donne is like that horse!"
"Well, mom! Mr. Donne is just like that horse!"
"Nonsense, Jemima; you must not say so. I don't know what your father would say, if he heard you likening Mr Donne to a brute."
"Nonsense, Jemima; you can't say that. I don't know what your father would think if he heard you comparing Mr. Donne to an animal."
"Brutes are sometimes very beautiful, mamma. I am sure I should think it a compliment to be likened to a race-horse, such as the one we saw. But the thing in which they are alike, is the sort of repressed eagerness in both."
"Brutes can be really beautiful, mom. I know I’d take it as a compliment to be compared to a racehorse, like the one we saw. But what they have in common is that same kind of controlled eagerness in both."
"Eager! Why, I should say there never was any one cooler than Mr Donne. Think of the trouble your papa has had this month past, and then remember the slow way in which Mr Donne moves when he is going out to canvass, and the low, drawling voice in which he questions the people who bring him intelligence. I can see your papa standing by, ready to shake them to get out their news."
"Eager! Honestly, I don't think anyone is cooler than Mr. Donne. Just think about all the trouble your dad has had this past month, and then remember how slowly Mr. Donne moves when he's out campaigning, and the low, drawn-out way he asks people for information. I can picture your dad standing nearby, ready to shake them to get the news."
"But Mr Donne's questions are always to the point, and force out the grain without the chaff. And look at him, if any one tells him ill news about the election! Have you never seen a dull red light come into his eyes? That is like my race-horse. Her flesh quivered all over, at certain sounds and noises which had some meaning to her; but she stood quite still, pretty creature! Now, Mr Donne is just as eager as she was, though he may be too proud to show it. Though he seems so gentle, I almost think he is very headstrong in following out his own will."
"But Mr. Donne always asks the right questions, getting straight to the heart of the matter and leaving out the unnecessary details. And just watch him when someone gives him bad news about the election! Have you ever seen a dull red light flash in his eyes? It’s like my racehorse. She would quiver all over at certain sounds that meant something to her, yet she would stay completely still, such a lovely creature! Now, Mr. Donne is just as eager as she was, even if he might be too proud to show it. Despite his gentle appearance, I really think he can be quite stubborn when it comes to following his own path."
"Well! don't call him like a horse again, for I am sure papa would not like it. Do you know, I thought you were going to say he was like little Leonard, when you asked me who he was like."
"Well! don't call him like a horse again, because I'm sure dad wouldn't like it. You know, I thought you were going to say he was like little Leonard when you asked me who he resembled."
"Leonard! Oh, mamma, he is not in the least like Leonard. He is twenty times more like my race-horse.
"Leonard! Oh, mom, he doesn't resemble Leonard at all. He looks way more like my racehorse."
"Now, my dear Jemima, do be quiet. Your father thinks racing so wrong, that I am sure he would be very seriously displeased if he were to hear you."
"Now, my dear Jemima, please be quiet. Your father believes racing is so wrong that I’m sure he would be very upset if he were to hear you."
To return to Mr Bradshaw, and to give one more of his various reasons for wishing to take Mr Donne to Abermouth. The wealthy Eccleston manufacturer was uncomfortably impressed with an indefinable sense of inferiority to his visitor. It was not in education, for Mr Bradshaw was a well-educated man; it was not in power, for, if he chose, the present object of Mr Donne's life might be utterly defeated; it did not arise from anything overbearing in manner, for Mr Donne was habitually polite and courteous, and was just now anxious to propitiate his host, whom he looked upon as a very useful man. Whatever this sense of inferiority arose from, Mr Bradshaw was anxious to relieve himself of it, and imagined that if he could make more display of his wealth his object would be obtained. Now his house in Eccleston was old-fashioned, and ill-calculated to exhibit money's worth. His mode of living, though strained to a high pitch just at this time, he became aware was no more than Mr Donne was accustomed to every day of his life. The first day at dessert, some remark (some opportune remark, as Mr Bradshaw in his innocence had thought) was made regarding the price of pine-apples, which was rather exorbitant that year, and Mr Donne asked Mrs Bradshaw, with quiet surprise, if they had no pinery, as if to be without a pinery were indeed a depth of pitiable destitution. In fact, Mr Donne had been born and cradled in all that wealth could purchase, and so had his ancestors before him for so many generations, that refinement and luxury seemed the natural condition of man, and they that dwelt without were in the position of monsters. The absence was noticed; but not the presence.
To go back to Mr. Bradshaw and to mention one more of his many reasons for wanting to take Mr. Donne to Abermouth. The wealthy manufacturer from Eccleston felt an uncomfortable sense of inferiority around his guest. It wasn't about education, because Mr. Bradshaw was well-educated; it wasn't about power, since he could easily thwart Mr. Donne's current life goals if he wanted to; and it didn’t come from any arrogance in behavior, as Mr. Donne was always polite and courteous, and at that moment was eager to win over his host, whom he considered quite useful. Whatever the source of this feeling of inferiority was, Mr. Bradshaw was determined to shake it off and thought that if he could show off more of his wealth, he would succeed. However, his house in Eccleston was old-fashioned and did not do justice to his financial status. He realized that his way of living, although stretched to the limit at that time, was nothing more than what Mr. Donne experienced every day. On the first day at dessert, a comment was made about the high price of pineapples that year, and Mr. Donne asked Mrs. Bradshaw, with mild surprise, if they didn’t have a greenhouse for growing them, as if being without a greenhouse was a deeply unfortunate situation. In reality, Mr. Donne had been raised surrounded by everything wealth could buy, just as his ancestors had for many generations, making refinement and luxury feel like the norm, while those without were seen as almost monstrous. The lack of luxury was noticed, but not the abundance.
Now, Mr Bradshaw knew that the house and grounds of Eagle's Crag were exorbitantly dear, and yet he really thought of purchasing them. And as one means of exhibiting his wealth, and so raising himself up to the level of Mr Donne, he thought that if he could take the latter down to Abermouth, and show him the place for which, "because his little girls had taken a fancy to it," he was willing to give the fancy-price of fourteen thousand pounds, he should at last make those half-shut dreamy eyes open wide, and their owner confess that, in wealth at least, the Eccleston manufacturer stood on a par with him.
Now, Mr. Bradshaw knew that the house and grounds of Eagle's Crag were incredibly expensive, yet he seriously considered buying them. As a way to showcase his wealth and elevate himself to Mr. Donne's level, he thought that if he could take Mr. Donne to Abermouth and show him the property for which, "because his little girls had taken a liking to it," he was ready to pay the hefty price of fourteen thousand pounds, he would finally make those half-closed dreamy eyes go wide with surprise, and their owner would admit that, at least in terms of wealth, the Eccleston manufacturer was on the same level as him.
All these mingled motives caused the determination which made Ruth sit in the little inn-parlour at Abermouth during the wild storm's passage.
All these mixed motives led to Ruth's decision to stay in the small inn lounge at Abermouth during the fierce storm.
She wondered if she had fulfilled all Mr Bradshaw's directions. She looked at the letter. Yes! everything was done. And now home with her news, through the wet lane, where the little pools by the roadside reflected the deep blue sky and the round white clouds with even deeper blue and clearer white; and the rain-drops hung so thick on the trees, that even a little bird's flight was enough to shake them down in a bright shower as of rain. When she told the news, Mary exclaimed,
She wondered if she had followed all of Mr. Bradshaw's instructions. She looked at the letter. Yes! Everything was done. Now, on her way home with the news, she walked through the wet lane, where the small puddles by the roadside mirrored the deep blue sky and the fluffy white clouds with even richer blue and clearer white; the raindrops clung to the trees so heavily that even a small bird's flight was enough to send them falling like a bright shower of rain. When she shared the news, Mary exclaimed,
"Oh, how charming! Then we shall see this new member after all!" while Elizabeth added,
"Oh, how charming! Then we will see this new member after all!" while Elizabeth added,
"Yes! I shall like to do that. But where must we be? Papa will want the dining-room and this room, and where must we sit?"
"Yes! I’d like to do that. But where should we be? Dad will want the dining room and this room, so where should we sit?"
"Oh!" said Ruth, "in the dressing-room next to my room. All that your papa wants always, is that you are quiet and out of the way."
"Oh!" Ruth said, "in the dressing room next to mine. All your dad wants is for you to be quiet and stay out of the way."
CHAPTER XXIII
Recognition
Saturday came. Torn, ragged clouds were driven across the sky. It was not a becoming day for the scenery, and the little girls regretted it much. First they hoped for a change at twelve o'clock, and then at the afternoon tide-turning. But at neither time did the sun show his face.
Saturday arrived. Dark, tattered clouds swept across the sky. It wasn’t a good day for the scenery, and the little girls felt disappointed. At first, they hoped for a change by noon, and then again when the tide turned in the afternoon. But at neither time did the sun make an appearance.
"Papa will never buy this dear place," said Elizabeth, sadly, as she watched the weather. "The sun is everything to it. The sea looks quite leaden to-day, and there is no sparkle on it. And the sands, that were so yellow and sun-speckled on Thursday, are all one dull brown now."
"Papa will never buy this lovely place," said Elizabeth, sadly, as she looked at the weather. "The sun is everything here. The sea looks so gray today, and there’s no shimmer on it. And the sands, which were so bright and sun-dappled on Thursday, are just a boring brown now."
"Never mind! to-morrow may be better," said Ruth, cheerily.
"Don’t worry! Tomorrow might be better," Ruth said cheerfully.
"I wonder what time they will come at?" inquired Mary.
"I wonder what time they'll arrive?" asked Mary.
"Your papa said they would be at the station at five o'clock. And the landlady at the Swan said it would take them half an hour to get here."
"Your dad said they would be at the station at five o'clock. And the landlady at the Swan said it would take them half an hour to get here."
"And they are to dine at six?" asked Elizabeth.
"And they're supposed to have dinner at six?" asked Elizabeth.
"Yes," answered Ruth. "And I think if we had our tea half an hour earlier, at half-past four, and then went out for a walk, we should be nicely out of the way just during the bustle of the arrival and dinner; and we could be in the drawing-room ready against your papa came in after dinner."
"Yes," replied Ruth. "I think if we had our tea half an hour earlier, around 4:30, and then went for a walk, we could avoid the chaos of the arrivals and dinner; and we could be in the living room, ready for your dad when he comes in after dinner."
"Oh! that would be nice," said they; and tea was ordered accordingly.
"Oh! that would be great," they said; and tea was ordered accordingly.
The south-westerly wind had dropped, and the clouds were stationary, when they went out on the sands. They dug little holes near the in-coming tide, and made canals to them from the water, and blew the light sea-foam against each other; and then stole on tiptoe near to the groups of grey and white sea-gulls, which despised their caution, flying softly and slowly away to a little distance as soon as they drew near. And in all this Ruth was as great a child as any. Only she longed for Leonard with a mother's longing, as indeed she did every day, and all hours of the day. By-and-by the clouds thickened yet more, and one or two drops of rain were felt. It was very little, but Ruth feared a shower for her delicate Elizabeth, and besides, the September evening was fast closing in the dark and sunless day. As they turned homewards in the rapidly increasing dusk, they saw three figures on the sand near the rocks, coming in their direction.
The south-west wind had calmed down, and the clouds were still when they went out onto the beach. They dug small holes near the incoming tide, made little canals to the water, and blew light sea foam at each other; then they tiptoed close to the groups of gray and white sea gulls, which ignored their stealth, flying softly and slowly away as soon as they got near. In all of this, Ruth was as much a child as anyone. But she missed Leonard with a motherly longing, just as she did every day and every hour. After a while, the clouds grew even thicker, and they felt a couple of drops of rain. It was barely anything, but Ruth worried about a downpour for her delicate Elizabeth, and besides, the September evening was quickly turning into a dark and sunless night. As they headed home in the quickly deepening dusk, they saw three figures on the sand near the rocks approaching them.
"Papa and Mr Donne!" exclaimed Mary. "Now we shall see him!"
"Papa and Mr. Donne!" Mary exclaimed. "Now we’re going to see him!"
"Which do you make out is him?" asked Elizabeth.
"Which one do you think is him?" asked Elizabeth.
"Oh! the tall one, to be sure. Don't you see how papa always turns to him, as if he was speaking to him and not to the other?"
"Oh! The tall one, for sure. Can’t you see how dad always turns to him, as if he’s talking to him and not to the other one?"
"Who is the other?" asked Elizabeth.
"Who is the other person?" asked Elizabeth.
"Mr Bradshaw said that Mr Farquhar and Mr Hickson would come with him. But that is not Mr Farquhar, I am sure," said Ruth.
"Mr. Bradshaw said that Mr. Farquhar and Mr. Hickson would come with him. But that isn't Mr. Farquhar, I'm sure," said Ruth.
The girls looked at each other, as they always did, when Ruth mentioned Mr Farquhar's name; but she was perfectly unconscious both of the look and of the conjectures which gave rise to it.
The girls glanced at each other, as they always did, when Ruth mentioned Mr. Farquhar's name; but she was completely unaware of both the look and the speculations that it sparked.
As soon as the two parties drew near, Mr Bradshaw called out in his strong voice,
As soon as the two parties got close, Mr. Bradshaw shouted in his loud voice,
"Well, my dears! we found there was an hour before dinner, so we came down upon the sands, and here you are."
"Well, my dears! We discovered we had an hour until dinner, so we came down to the beach, and here you are."
The tone of his voice assured them that he was in a bland and indulgent mood, and the two little girls ran towards him. He kissed them, and shook hands with Ruth; told his companions that these were the little girls who were tempting him to this extravagance of purchasing Eagle's Crag; and then, rather doubtfully, and because he saw that Mr Donne expected it, he introduced "My daughters' governess, Mrs Denbigh."
The tone of his voice made it clear that he was feeling relaxed and generous, and the two little girls ran over to him. He kissed them and shook hands with Ruth; he told his friends that these were the little girls who were encouraging him to splurge on buying Eagle's Crag; and then, a bit uncertainly, since he noticed that Mr. Donne was waiting for it, he introduced "My daughters' governess, Mrs. Denbigh."
It was growing darker every moment, and it was time they should hasten back to the rocks, which were even now indistinct in the grey haze. Mr Bradshaw held a hand of each of his daughters, and Ruth walked alongside, the two strange gentlemen being on the outskirts of the party.
It was getting darker by the minute, and it was time for them to hurry back to the rocks, which were now barely visible in the gray haze. Mr. Bradshaw held one hand of each of his daughters, and Ruth walked alongside them, with the two unfamiliar gentlemen staying on the edge of the group.
Mr Bradshaw began to give his little girls some home news. He told them that Mr Farquhar was ill, and could not accompany them; but Jemima and their mamma were quite well.
Mr. Bradshaw started to share some family news with his daughters. He told them that Mr. Farquhar was sick and couldn't join them, but Jemima and their mom were doing just fine.
The gentleman nearest to Ruth spoke to her.
The man closest to Ruth spoke to her.
"Are you fond of the sea?" asked he. There was no answer, so he repeated his question in a different form.
"Do you like the sea?" he asked. There was no response, so he rephrased his question.
"Do you enjoy staying by the seaside? I should rather ask."
"Do you like being by the ocean? I guess I should ask."
The reply was "Yes," rather breathed out in a deep inspiration than spoken in a sound. The sands heaved and trembled beneath Ruth. The figures near her vanished into strange nothingness; the sounds of their voices were as distant sounds in a dream, while the echo of one voice thrilled through and through. She could have caught at his arm for support, in the awful dizziness which wrapped her up, body and soul. That voice! No! if name, and face, and figure were all changed, that voice was the same which had touched her girlish heart, which had spoken most tender words of love, which had won, and wrecked her, and which she had last heard in the low mutterings of fever. She dared not look round to see the figure of him who spoke, dark as it was. She knew he was there—she heard him speak in the manner in which he used to address strangers years ago; perhaps she answered him, perhaps she did not—God knew. It seemed as if weights were tied to her feet—as if the steadfast rocks receded—as if time stood still;—it was so long, so terrible, that path across the reeling sand.
The reply was "Yes," more like a deep breath than an actual word. The sands shifted and shook beneath Ruth. The figures around her faded into a strange nothingness; their voices felt like distant sounds in a dream, while the echo of one voice resonated deeply within her. She could have reached out for his arm for support, overwhelmed by the frightening dizziness enveloping her, body and soul. That voice! No! Even if the name, face, and figure were all different, that voice remained the same that had touched her young heart, that had uttered the most tender words of love, that had both won and destroyed her, and that she had last heard in the low mumblings of fever. She dared not look back to see the figure of the one speaking, dark as it was. She knew he was there—she heard him speak in the way he used to talk to strangers years ago; maybe she responded, maybe she didn't—only God knew. It felt like weights were tied to her feet—as if the solid rocks were moving away—as if time had stopped; it was so long, so terrifying, that path across the swaying sand.
At the foot of the rocks they separated. Mr Bradshaw, afraid lest dinner should cool, preferred the shorter way for himself and his friends. On Elizabeth's account, the girls were to take the longer and easier path, which wound upwards through a rocky field, where larks' nests abounded, and where wild thyme and heather were now throwing out their sweets to the soft night air.
At the bottom of the rocks, they parted ways. Mr. Bradshaw, worried that dinner would get cold, chose the quicker route for himself and his friends. For Elizabeth's sake, the girls were to take the longer and easier path, which meandered upward through a rocky field filled with lark nests, where wild thyme and heather were releasing their fragrances into the gentle night air.
The little girls spoke in eager discussion of the strangers. They appealed to Ruth, but Ruth did not answer, and they were too impatient to convince each other to repeat the question. The first little ascent from the sands to the field surmounted, Ruth sat down suddenly and covered her face with her hands. This was so unusual—their wishes, their good, was so invariably the rule of motion or of rest in their walks—that the girls, suddenly checked, stood silent and affrighted in surprise. They were still more startled when Ruth wailed aloud some inarticulate words.
The little girls were eagerly discussing the strangers. They turned to Ruth for her opinion, but Ruth didn’t respond, and they were too restless to persuade each other to ask her again. After climbing the first small slope from the sand to the field, Ruth suddenly sat down and covered her face with her hands. This was so unusual—their desires, their well-being, usually dictated their actions or stillness during their walks—that the girls, abruptly halted, stood there silent and shocked. They were even more startled when Ruth cried out some unintelligible words.
"Are you not well, dear Mrs Denbigh?" asked Elizabeth, gently, kneeling down on the grass by Ruth.
"Are you okay, dear Mrs. Denbigh?" Elizabeth asked softly, kneeling down on the grass beside Ruth.
She sat facing the west. The low watery twilight was on her face as she took her hands away. So pale, so haggard, so wild and wandering a look the girls had never seen on human countenance before.
She sat facing west. The light, watery twilight lit up her face as she pulled her hands away. So pale, so worn out, and with such a wild, lost look that the girls had never seen on anyone's face before.
"Well! what are you doing here with me? You should not be with me," said she, shaking her head slowly.
"Well! What are you doing here with me? You shouldn't be with me," she said, shaking her head slowly.
They looked at each other.
They glanced at each other.
"You are sadly tired," said Elizabeth, soothingly. "Come home, and let me help you to bed. I will tell papa you are ill, and ask him to send for a doctor."
"You look really tired," Elizabeth said gently. "Come home, and let me help you get to bed. I'll tell Dad you're not feeling well, and I'll ask him to call a doctor."
Ruth looked at her as if she did not understand the meaning of her words. No more she did at first. But by-and-by the dulled brain began to think most vividly and rapidly, and she spoke in a sharp way which deceived the girls into a belief that nothing had been the matter.
Ruth looked at her like she didn’t get what she was saying. At first, she really didn’t. But gradually, her foggy mind started to think clearly and quickly, and she spoke sharply, making the girls believe that nothing was wrong.
"Yes! I was tired. I am tired. Those sands—oh! those sands, those weary, dreadful sands! But that is all over now. Only my heart aches still. Feel how it flutters and beats," said she, taking Elizabeth's hand, and holding it to her side. "I am quite well, though," she continued, reading pity in the child's looks, as she felt the trembling, quivering beat. "We will go straight to the dressing-room, and read a chapter; that will still my heart; and then I'll go to bed, and Mr Bradshaw will excuse me, I know, this one night. I only ask for one night. Put on your right frocks, dears, and do all you ought to do. But I know you will," said she, bending down to kiss Elizabeth, and then, before she had done so, raising her head abruptly. "You are good and dear girls—God keep you so!"
"Yes! I was tired. I am tired. Those sands—oh! those sands, those exhausting, dreadful sands! But that’s all behind me now. Only my heart still aches. Feel how it flutters and beats," she said, taking Elizabeth's hand and pressing it to her side. "I'm fine, really," she continued, noticing the concern in the child's eyes as she felt the rapid, trembling beat. "We'll go straight to the dressing room and read a chapter; that will calm my heart; then I’ll head to bed, and Mr. Bradshaw will excuse me, I’m sure, just for tonight. I just need one night. Put on your best dresses, dears, and do everything you should. But I know you will," she said, leaning down to kiss Elizabeth, then suddenly raising her head. "You are sweet and wonderful girls—may God keep you that way!"
By a strong effort at self-command, she went onwards at an even pace, neither rushing nor pausing to sob and think. The very regularity of motion calmed her. The front and back doors of the house were on two sides, at right angles with each other. They all shrunk a little from the idea of going in at the front door, now that the strange gentlemen were about, and, accordingly, they went through the quiet farm-yard right into the bright, ruddy kitchen, where the servants were dashing about with the dinner things. It was a contrast in more than colour to the lonely, dusky field, which even the little girls perceived; and the noise, the warmth, the very bustle of the servants, were a positive relief to Ruth, and for the time lifted off the heavy press of pent-up passion. A silent house, with moonlit rooms, or with a faint gloom brooding over the apartments, would have been more to be dreaded. Then, she must have given way, and cried out. As it was, she went up the old awkward back stairs, and into the room they were to sit in. There was no candle. Mary volunteered to go down for one; and when she returned she was full of the wonders of preparation in the drawing-room, and ready and eager to dress, so as to take her place there before the gentlemen had finished dinner. But she was struck by the strange paleness of Ruth's face, now that the light fell upon it.
With a strong effort to control herself, she continued at a steady pace, neither hurrying nor stopping to cry and think. The regular movement calmed her. The front and back doors of the house faced each other at right angles. They all hesitated a bit at the thought of entering through the front door, now that the strange gentlemen were around, so they went through the quiet farmyard straight into the bright, warm kitchen, where the servants were bustling about with dinner preparations. It was a stark contrast to the lonely, dark field, something even the little girls noticed; and the noise, warmth, and busy activity of the servants provided a real relief to Ruth, temporarily lifting the heavy weight of her pent-up emotions. A silent house, with moonlit rooms or a faint gloom hanging over the spaces, would have been even more daunting. Then, she would have broken down and cried out. Instead, she climbed the old, awkward back stairs and entered the room they were meant to sit in. There was no candle. Mary offered to go downstairs for one; when she came back, she was excited about all the wonders of the preparations in the drawing-room and eager to get ready so she could be there before the gentlemen finished dinner. But she noticed the strange paleness of Ruth's face now that the light was on it.
"Stay up here, dear Mrs Denbigh! We'll tell papa you are tired, and are gone to bed."
"Stay up here, dear Mrs. Denbigh! We'll tell Dad you're tired and have gone to bed."
Another time Ruth would have dreaded Mr Bradshaw's displeasure; for it was an understood thing that no one was to be ill or tired in his household without leave asked, and cause given and assigned. But she never thought of that now. Her great desire was to hold quiet till she was alone. Quietness it was not—it was rigidity; but she succeeded in being rigid in look and movement, and went through her duties to Elizabeth (who preferred remaining with her upstairs) with wooden precision. But her heart felt at times like ice, at times like burning fire; always a heavy, heavy weight within her. At last Elizabeth went to bed. Still Ruth dared not think. Mary would come upstairs soon; and with a strange, sick, shrinking yearning, Ruth awaited her—and the crumbs of intelligence she might drop out about him. Ruth's sense of hearing was quickened to miserable intensity as she stood before the chimney-piece, grasping it tight with both hands—gazing into the dying fire, but seeing—not the dead grey embers, or the little sparks of vivid light that ran hither and thither among the wood-ashes—but an old farm-house, and climbing, winding road, and a little golden breezy common, with a rural inn on the hill-top, far, far away. And through the thoughts of the past came the sharp sounds of the present—of three voices, one of which was almost silence, it was so hushed. Indifferent people would only have guessed that Mr Donne was speaking by the quietness in which the others listened; but Ruth heard the voice and many of the words, though they conveyed no idea to her mind. She was too much stunned even to feel curious to know to what they related. He spoke. That was her one fact.
Another time, Ruth would have dreaded Mr. Bradshaw's disapproval; everyone knew that no one in his household could be sick or tired without asking for permission and giving a reason. But she didn't think about that now. Her main goal was to stay still until she was alone. It wasn’t just quietness—it was stiffness; but she managed to maintain a rigid appearance and demeanor, performing her tasks for Elizabeth (who preferred to stay with her upstairs) with robotic precision. Inside, her heart felt at times like ice, at other times like burning fire; always a heavy, heavy weight weighed her down. Finally, Elizabeth went to bed. Still, Ruth didn’t dare to think. Mary would come upstairs soon; with a strange, sick, shrinking longing, Ruth waited for her—and the scraps of information she might share about him. Her hearing became painfully acute as she stood before the mantelpiece, gripping it tightly with both hands—staring into the dying fire, but seeing—not the dead grey ashes, or the little sparks of vivid light that danced among the wood ash—but an old farmhouse, a winding road, and a small, golden, breezy common, with a rural inn on the hilltop, far, far away. And through her memories of the past came the sharp sounds of the present—three voices, one of which was almost silent, it was so quiet. Indifferent listeners would have only guessed that Mr. Donne was speaking by the stillness in which the others listened; but Ruth heard his voice and many of the words, even though they made no sense to her. She was too stunned to even feel curious about their meaning. He spoke. That was her only certainty.
Presently up came Mary, bounding, exultant. Papa had let her stay up one quarter of an hour longer, because Mr Hickson had asked. Mr Hickson was so clever! She did not know what to make of Mr Donne, he seemed such a dawdle. But he was very handsome. Had Ruth seen him? Oh, no! She could not, it was so dark on those stupid sands. Well, never mind, she would see him to-morrow. She must be well to-morrow. Papa seemed a good deal put out that neither she nor Elizabeth were in the drawing-room to-night; and his last words were, "Tell Mrs Denbigh I hope" (and papa's "hopes" always meant "expect") "she will be able to make breakfast at nine o'clock;" and then she would see Mr Donne.
Up came Mary, bouncing and excited. Dad had let her stay up an extra fifteen minutes because Mr. Hickson asked him to. Mr. Hickson was really smart! She didn't know what to think of Mr. Donne; he seemed to take his time. But he was really good-looking. Had Ruth seen him? Oh, no! She couldn't; it was too dark on those dumb sands. Well, it didn't matter, she'd see him tomorrow. She had to be feeling well tomorrow. Dad seemed a bit annoyed that neither she nor Elizabeth were in the living room tonight, and his last words were, "Tell Mrs. Denbigh I hope" (and Dad's "hopes" always meant "expect") "she will be able to make breakfast at nine o'clock;" and then she'd see Mr. Donne.
That was all Ruth heard about him. She went with Mary into her bedroom, helped her to undress, and put the candle out. At length she was alone in her own room! At length!
That was all Ruth heard about him. She went with Mary into her bedroom, helped her get undressed, and blew out the candle. Finally, she was alone in her own room! Finally!
But the tension did not give way immediately. She fastened her door, and threw open the window, cold and threatening as was the night. She tore off her gown; she put her hair back from her heated face. It seemed now as if she could not think—as if thought and emotion had been repressed so sternly that they would not come to relieve her stupified brain. Till all at once, like a flash of lightning, her life, past and present, was revealed to her in its minutest detail. And when she saw her very present "Now," the strange confusion of agony was too great to be borne, and she cried aloud. Then she was quite dead, and listened as to the sound of galloping armies.
But the tension didn’t let up right away. She locked her door and threw open the window, despite the cold, threatening night. She ripped off her gown and pushed her hair back from her flushed face. It felt like she couldn’t think—as if her thoughts and feelings had been pushed down so hard that they wouldn’t come to ease her stunned mind. Until suddenly, like a flash of lightning, her life, both past and present, was laid out before her in the smallest detail. And when she faced her immediate "Now," the strange mix of agony was too overwhelming to handle, and she cried out. Then she was completely gone, listening to the sound of galloping armies.
"If I might see him! If I might see him! If I might just ask him why he left me; if I had vexed him in any way; it was so strange—so cruel! It was not him; it was his mother," said she, almost fiercely, as if answering herself. "Oh, God! but he might have found me out before this," she continued, sadly. "He did not care for me, as I did for him. He did not care for me at all," she went on wildly and sharply. "He did me cruel harm. I can never again lift up my face in innocence. They think I have forgotten all, because I do not speak. Oh, darling love! am I talking against you?" asked she, tenderly. "I am so torn and perplexed! You, who are the father of my child!"
"If only I could see him! If only I could see him! If I could just ask him why he left me; if I upset him in any way; it’s so strange—so cruel! It wasn’t him; it was his mother,” she said, almost fiercely, as if answering herself. “Oh, God! But he could have found me by now,” she continued, sadly. “He didn’t care for me the way I cared for him. He didn’t care for me at all,” she went on wildly and sharply. “He hurt me deeply. I can never again hold my head up in innocence. They think I’ve forgotten everything because I don’t say anything. Oh, my darling! Am I speaking against you?” she asked tenderly. “I’m so torn and confused! You, who are the father of my child!”
But that very circumstance, full of such tender meaning in many cases, threw a new light into her mind. It changed her from the woman into the mother—the stern guardian of her child. She was still for a time, thinking. Then she began again, but in a low, deep voice,
But that very circumstance, filled with such deep meaning in many cases, shed new light on her thoughts. It transformed her from a woman into a mother—the strict protector of her child. She paused for a moment, lost in thought. Then she started speaking again, but in a soft, deep voice,
"He left me. He might have been hurried off, but he might have inquired—he might have learnt, and explained. He left me to bear the burden and the shame; and never cared to learn, as he might have done, of Leonard's birth. He has no love for his child, and I will have no love for him."
"He left me. He might have been rushed away, but he could have asked—he could have found out and explained. He left me to carry the burden and the shame, and never bothered to find out, as he could have, about Leonard's birth. He has no love for his child, and I will have no love for him."
She raised her voice while uttering this determination, and then, feeling her own weakness, she moaned out, "Alas! alas!"
She raised her voice while saying this, and then, feeling her own weakness, she groaned, "Oh no! Oh no!"
And then she started up, for all this time she had been rocking herself backwards and forwards as she sat on the ground, and began to pace the room with hurried steps.
And then she got up, because all this time she had been rocking herself back and forth while sitting on the ground, and she started to walk around the room quickly.
"What am I thinking of? Where am I? I who have been praying these years and years to be worthy to be Leonard's mother. My God! what a depth of sin is in my heart! Why, the old time would be as white as snow to what it would be now, if I sought him out, and prayed for the explanation, which should re-establish him in my heart. I who have striven (or made a mock of trying) to learn God's holy will, in order to bring up Leonard into the full strength of a Christian—I who have taught his sweet innocent lips to pray, 'Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil;' and yet, somehow, I've been longing to give him to his father, who is—who is—" she almost choked, till at last she cried sharp out, "Oh, my God! I do believe Leonard's father is a bad man, and yet, oh! pitiful God, I love him; I cannot forget—I cannot!"
"What am I thinking? Where am I? I've been praying for years to be worthy of being Leonard's mother. My God! What a depth of sin lives in my heart! The past would seem so pure compared to how I feel now, if I sought him out and prayed for the answers that would reconnect him to me. I’ve tried (or just pretended to try) to understand God's holy will to raise Leonard to be a strong Christian—I’ve taught his sweet innocent lips to pray, 'Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil;' and yet, somehow, I’ve been wanting to give him to his father, who is—who is—" she almost choked, and finally cried out, "Oh, my God! I truly believe Leonard's father is a bad man, and yet, oh! pitiful God, I love him; I can't forget—I can't!"
She threw her body half out of the window into the cold night air. The wind was rising, and came in great gusts. The rain beat down on her. It did her good. A still, calm night would not have soothed her as this did. The wild tattered clouds, hurrying past the moon, gave her a foolish kind of pleasure that almost made her smile a vacant smile. The blast-driven rain came on her again, and drenched her hair through and through. The words "stormy wind fulfilling His word" came into her mind.
She leaned half out of the window into the chilly night air. The wind was picking up, coming in strong gusts. The rain poured down on her. It felt refreshing. A quiet, calm night wouldn’t have calmed her like this did. The wild, ragged clouds rushed past the moon, giving her a silly kind of joy that nearly brought a blank smile to her face. The wind-driven rain hit her again, soaking her hair completely. The phrase "stormy wind fulfilling His word" popped into her head.
She sat down on the floor. This time her hands were clasped round her knees. The uneasy rocking motion was stilled.
She sat down on the floor. This time her hands were wrapped around her knees. The uneasy rocking motion stopped.
"I wonder if my darling is frightened with this blustering, noisy wind. I wonder if he is awake."
"I wonder if my sweetheart is scared by this howling, noisy wind. I wonder if he's still awake."
And then her thoughts went back to the various times of old, when, affrighted by the weather—sounds so mysterious in the night—he had crept into her bed and clung to her, and she had soothed him, and sweetly awed him into stillness and childlike faith, by telling him of the goodness and power of God.
And then her thoughts drifted back to the different times from the past when, scared by the weather—sounds so mysterious at night—he had snuggled into her bed and held onto her, and she had comforted him, gently calming him into silence and a childlike faith by talking about the goodness and power of God.
Of a sudden she crept to a chair, and there knelt as in the very presence of God, hiding her face, at first not speaking a word (for did He not know her heart), but by-and-by moaning out, amid her sobs and tears (and now for the first time she wept),
Of a sudden, she crept to a chair and knelt there as if in the very presence of God, hiding her face and not saying a word at first (for didn’t He know her heart), but eventually moaning out through her sobs and tears (and now for the first time she cried),
"Oh, my God, help me, for I am very weak. My God! I pray Thee be my rock and my strong fortress, for I of myself am nothing. If I ask in His name, Thou wilt give it me. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray for strength to do Thy will!"
"Oh my God, please help me, because I am really weak. My God! I ask that You be my rock and my strong fortress, because without You, I'm nothing. If I ask in His name, You will give it to me. In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray for the strength to do Your will!"
She could not think, or, indeed, remember anything but that she was weak, and God was strong, and "a very present help in time of trouble;" and the wind rose yet higher, and the house shook and vibrated as, in measured time, the great and terrible gusts came from the four quarters of the heavens and blew around it, dying away in the distance with loud and unearthly wails, which were not utterly still before the sound of the coming blast was heard like the trumpets of the vanguard of the Prince of Air.
She couldn’t think or remember anything except that she was weak, and God was strong, being "a very present help in time of trouble;" and the wind rose even higher, shaking and vibrating the house as the strong, frightening gusts came from all directions and blew around it, fading into the distance with loud, eerie howls, which weren’t completely silent before the sound of the approaching blast was heard like the trumpets of the Prince of Air’s advance.
There was a knock at the bedroom door—a little, gentle knock, and a soft child's voice.
There was a knock at the bedroom door—a light, gentle knock, along with a soft child's voice.
"Mrs Denbigh, may I come in, please? I am so frightened!"
"Mrs. Denbigh, can I come in, please? I'm really scared!"
It was Elizabeth. Ruth calmed her passionate breathing by one hasty draught of water, and opened the door to the timid girl.
It was Elizabeth. Ruth took a quick sip of water to steady her rapid breathing and opened the door for the shy girl.
"Oh, Mrs Denbigh! did you ever hear such a night? I am so frightened! and Mary sleeps so sound."
"Oh, Mrs. Denbigh! Have you ever heard such a night? I'm so scared! And Mary is sleeping so deeply."
Ruth was too much shaken to be able to speak all at once; but she took Elizabeth in her arms to reassure her. Elizabeth stood back.
Ruth was too shaken to speak right away, but she wrapped her arms around Elizabeth to comfort her. Elizabeth stepped back.
"Why, how wet you are, Mrs Denbigh! and there's the window open, I do believe! Oh, how cold it is!" said she, shivering.
"Wow, you’re soaking wet, Mrs. Denbigh! And I think the window is open! Oh, it’s so cold!" she said, shivering.
"Get into my bed, dear!" said Ruth.
"Come into my bed, sweetheart!" said Ruth.
"But do come too! The candle gives such a strange light with that long wick, and, somehow, your face does not look like you. Please, put the candle out, and come to bed. I am so frightened, and it seems as if I should be safer if you were by me."
"But please come too! The candle gives off such an odd light with that long wick, and somehow, your face doesn’t look like you. Please blow out the candle and come to bed. I’m so scared, and I feel like I’d be safer if you were here with me."
Ruth shut the window, and went to bed. Elizabeth was all shivering and quaking. To soothe her, Ruth made a great effort; and spoke of Leonard and his fears, and, in a low hesitating voice, she spoke of God's tender mercy, but very humbly, for she feared lest Elizabeth should think her better and holier than she was. The little girl was soon asleep, her fears forgotten; and Ruth, worn out by passionate emotion, and obliged to be still for fear of awaking her bedfellow, went off into a short slumber, through the depths of which the echoes of her waking sobs quivered up.
Ruth closed the window and went to bed. Elizabeth was shivering and trembling. To calm her down, Ruth made a big effort; she talked about Leonard and his fears, and, in a soft, uncertain voice, she mentioned God's gentle mercy, but very humbly, because she was worried that Elizabeth might think she was better and more righteous than she actually was. The little girl soon fell asleep, her fears forgotten; and Ruth, exhausted from the intense emotions and needing to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her bedmate, drifted off into a brief slumber, from which the echoes of her silent sobs softly emerged.
When she awoke the grey light of autumnal dawn was in the room. Elizabeth slept on; but Ruth heard the servants about, and the early farmyard sounds. After she had recovered from the shock of consciousness and recollection, she collected her thoughts with a stern calmness. He was here. In a few hours she must meet him. There was no escape, except through subterfuges and contrivances that were both false and cowardly. How it would all turn out she could not say, or even guess. But of one thing she was clear, and to one thing she would hold fast: that was, that, come what might, she would obey God's law, and, be the end of all what it might, she would say, "Thy will be done!" She only asked for strength enough to do this when the time came. How the time would come—what speech or action would be requisite on her part, she did not know—she did not even try to conjecture. She left that in His hands.
When she woke up, the gray light of autumn dawn filled the room. Elizabeth was still sleeping, but Ruth could hear the servants moving around and the early sounds of the farm. Once she got over the shock of awareness and memory, she focused her thoughts with a stern calmness. He was here. In a few hours, she would have to face him. There was no way out, except through deceit and tricks that were both dishonest and cowardly. She couldn't say how everything would turn out, or even guess. But one thing was clear to her, and one thing she would hold onto: that no matter what happened, she would follow God's law, and whatever the outcome, she would say, "Thy will be done!" She only asked for enough strength to do this when the moment arrived. She had no idea how that moment would come—what words or actions would be needed from her, she didn't know—she didn’t even try to imagine. She left that in His hands.
She was icy cold, but very calm, when the breakfast-bell rang. She went down immediately; because she felt that there was less chance of a recognition if she were already at her place beside the tea-urn, and busied with the cups, than if she came in after all were settled. Her heart seemed to stand still, but she felt almost a strange exultant sense of power over herself. She felt, rather than saw, that he was not there. Mr Bradshaw and Mr Hickson were, and so busy talking election-politics that they did not interrupt their conversation even when they bowed to her. Her pupils sat one on each side of her. Before they were quite settled, and while the other two gentlemen yet hung over the fire, Mr Donne came in. Ruth felt as if that moment was like death. She had a kind of desire to make some sharp sound, to relieve a choking sensation, but it was over in an instant, and she sat on very composed and silent—to all outward appearance the very model of a governess who knew her place. And by-and-by she felt strangely at ease in her sense of power. She could even listen to what was being said. She had never dared as yet to look at Mr Donne, though her heart burnt to see him once again. He sounded changed. The voice had lost its fresh and youthful eagerness of tone, though in peculiarity of modulation it was the same. It could never be mistaken for the voice of another person. There was a good deal said at that breakfast, for none seemed inclined to hurry, although it was Sunday morning. Ruth was compelled to sit there, and it was good for her that she did. That half-hour seemed to separate the present Mr Donne very effectively from her imagination of what Mr Bellingham had been. She was no analyser; she hardly even had learnt to notice character; but she felt there was some strange difference between the people she had lived with lately and the man who now leant back in his chair, listening in a careless manner to the conversation, but never joining in, or expressing any interest in it, unless it somewhere, or somehow, touched himself. Now, Mr Bradshaw always threw himself into a subject; it might be in a pompous, dogmatic sort of way, but he did do it, whether it related to himself or not; and it was part of Mr Hickson's trade to assume an interest if he felt it not. But Mr Donne did neither the one nor the other. When the other two were talking of many of the topics of the day, he put his glass in his eye, the better to examine into the exact nature of a cold game-pie at the other side of the table. Suddenly Ruth felt that his attention was caught by her. Until now, seeing his short-sightedness, she had believed herself safe; now her face flushed with a painful, miserable blush. But in an instant she was strong and quiet. She looked up straight at his face; and, as if this action took him aback, he dropped his glass, and began eating away with great diligence. She had seen him. He was changed, she knew not how. In fact, the expression, which had been only occasional formerly, when his worse self predominated, had become permanent. He looked restless and dissatisfied. But he was very handsome still; and her quick eye had recognised, with a sort of strange pride, that the eyes and mouth were like Leonard's. Although perplexed by the straightforward, brave look she had sent right at him, he was not entirely baffled. He thought this Mrs Denbigh was certainly like poor Ruth; but this woman was far handsomer. Her face was positively Greek; and then such a proud, superb turn of her head; quite queenly! A governess in Mr Bradshaw's family! Why, she might be a Percy or a Howard for the grandeur of her grace! Poor Ruth! This woman's hair was darker, though; and she had less colour; altogether a more refined-looking person. Poor Ruth! and, for the first time for several years, he wondered what had become of her; though, of course, there was but one thing that could have happened, and perhaps it was as well he did not know her end, for most likely it would have made him very uncomfortable. He leant back in his chair, and, unobserved (for he would not have thought it gentlemanly to look so fixedly at her if she or any one noticed him), he put up his glass again. She was speaking to one of her pupils, and did not see him.
She felt icy cold but remained very calm when the breakfast bell rang. She headed down immediately because she thought there was less chance of being recognized if she was already at her spot next to the tea urn and busy with the cups than if she walked in after everyone was settled. Her heart felt like it had stopped, but she strangely felt a sense of control over herself. She sensed, rather than saw, that he wasn't there. Mr. Bradshaw and Mr. Hickson were present and so engrossed in discussing election politics that they didn't stop their conversation even when they nodded to her. Her students sat on either side of her. Just as they were getting settled, while the other two gentlemen were still leaning by the fire, Mr. Donne walked in. Ruth felt that moment was like dying. She wanted to make some sharp sound to ease the choking feeling, but it passed quickly, and she sat there very composed and silent—appearing to be the perfect governess who knew her role. Gradually, she began to feel oddly relaxed in her sense of power. She could even listen to the conversation. She hadn't yet dared to look at Mr. Donne, even though her heart longed to see him again. He sounded different. His voice had lost its fresh, youthful eagerness, though it still had the same unique tone. It could never be mistaken for someone else's voice. A lot was said at breakfast, as no one seemed eager to rush, despite it being Sunday morning. Ruth had to sit there, and it turned out to be beneficial for her. That half-hour seemed to effectively separate the current Mr. Donne from her imagination of what Mr. Bellingham had been like. She wasn't someone who analyzed things; she hadn't really learned to observe character; but she sensed there was a strange difference between the people she had been around recently and the man who now leaned back in his chair, listening casually to the conversation but never participating unless it somehow touched on himself. In contrast, Mr. Bradshaw always engaged with a topic—perhaps in a pompous, dogmatic way—but he did engage, whether it was about himself or not; and it was part of Mr. Hickson's job to feign interest even if he felt none. But Mr. Donne did neither. While the other two discussed various current events, he adjusted his glasses to better examine the cold game pie on the other side of the table. Suddenly, Ruth felt his attention shift to her. Until now, seeing that he was short-sighted, she thought she was safe; but now her face burned with a painful blush. Yet in an instant, she composed herself. She looked straight up at his face, and as if this caught him off guard, he dropped his glasses and began eating with great determination. She had seen him. He had changed, though she couldn't quite pinpoint how. In fact, the expression that once appeared only occasionally when his lesser self took over had now become permanent. He looked restless and dissatisfied. But he was still very handsome; her keen eye recognized, with a strange pride, that his eyes and mouth resembled Leonard's. Although confused by the direct, brave look she had aimed at him, he wasn't completely thrown off. He thought this Mrs. Denbigh certainly resembled poor Ruth; but this woman was much more beautiful. Her face was almost Greek, and she had such a proud, magnificent tilt to her head—quite regal! A governess in Mr. Bradshaw's household! She could easily be a Percy or a Howard given her grace! Poor Ruth! This woman's hair was darker, though, and she had less color; overall, she appeared more refined. Poor Ruth! And for the first time in years, he wondered what had happened to her; though, of course, he knew there was only one thing that could have happened, and perhaps it was for the best he didn't know her fate because it would likely make him very uncomfortable. He leaned back in his chair, unnoticed (because he wouldn't have thought it polite to stare so intently at her if she or anyone else noticed), and adjusted his glasses again. She was speaking to one of her students and didn't see him.
By Jove! it must be she, though! There were little dimples came out about the mouth as she spoke, just like those he used to admire so much in Ruth, and which he had never seen in any one else—the sunshine without the positive movement of a smile. The longer he looked the more he was convinced; and it was with a jerk that he recovered himself enough to answer Mr Bradshaw's question, whether he wished to go to church or not.
By God! it has to be her, though! There were little dimples appearing around her mouth as she spoke, just like the ones he used to admire so much in Ruth, and which he had never seen in anyone else—the sunshine without the actual movement of a smile. The longer he looked, the more convinced he became; and it was with a start that he pulled himself together enough to answer Mr. Bradshaw's question about whether he wanted to go to church or not.
"Church? how far—a mile? No; I think I shall perform my devotions at home to-day."
"Church? How far is it—a mile? No, I think I’ll just pray at home today."
He absolutely felt jealous when Mr Hickson sprang up to open the door as Ruth and her pupils left the room. He was pleased to feel jealous again. He had been really afraid he was too much "used-up" for such sensations. But Hickson must keep his place. What he was paid for was doing the talking to the electors, not paying attention to the ladies in their families. Mr Donne had noticed that Mr Hickson had tried to be gallant to Miss Bradshaw; let him, if he liked; but let him beware how he behaved to this fair creature, Ruth or no Ruth. It certainly was Ruth; only how the devil had she played her cards so well as to be the governess—the respected governess, in such a family as Mr Bradshaw's?
He definitely felt jealous when Mr. Hickson jumped up to open the door as Ruth and her students left the room. He was happy to feel jealous again. He had really been worried that he was too "washed up" for such feelings. But Hickson needed to know his place. What he was hired for was to talk to the voters, not to pay attention to the women in their families. Mr. Donne had noticed that Mr. Hickson tried to be charming to Miss Bradshaw; let him do that if he wanted, but he better be careful how he acted towards this lovely lady, Ruth or not. It definitely was Ruth; but how the heck had she managed to play her cards so well as to become the governess—the respected governess—in such a family as Mr. Bradshaw's?
Mr Donne's movements were evidently to be the guide of Mr Hickson's. Mr Bradshaw always disliked going to church, partly from principle, partly because he never could find the places in the Prayer-book. Mr Donne was in the drawing-room as Mary came down ready equipped; he was turning over the leaves of the large and handsome Bible. Seeing Mary, he was struck with a new idea.
Mr. Donne's actions were clearly going to influence Mr. Hickson's decisions. Mr. Bradshaw always hated going to church, partly out of principle and partly because he could never locate the sections in the Prayer Book. Mr. Donne was in the living room when Mary came downstairs, fully prepared; he was flipping through the pages of the large, beautiful Bible. Upon seeing Mary, he was hit with a new thought.
"How singular it is," said he, "that the name of Ruth is so seldom chosen by those good people who go to the Bible before they christen their children. It is a pretty name, I think."
"Isn't it strange," he said, "that the name Ruth is rarely chosen by those wonderful people who look to the Bible before naming their kids? I think it’s a lovely name."
Mr Bradshaw looked up. "Why, Mary!" said he, "is not that Mrs Denbigh's name?"
Mr. Bradshaw looked up. "Oh, Mary!" he said, "Isn't that Mrs. Denbigh's name?"
"Yes, papa," replied Mary, eagerly; "and I know two other Ruths; there's Ruth Brown here, and Ruth Macartney at Eccleston."
"Yes, Dad," Mary replied eagerly, "and I know two other Ruths; there's Ruth Brown here and Ruth Macartney at Eccleston."
"And I have an aunt called Ruth, Mr Donne! I don't think your observation holds good. Besides my daughters' governess, I know three other Ruths."
"And I have an aunt named Ruth, Mr. Donne! I don't think your observation is correct. Besides my daughters' governess, I know three other Ruths."
"Oh! I have no doubt I was wrong. It was just a speech of which one perceives the folly the moment it is made."
"Oh! I have no doubt I was wrong. It was just a speech that you realize is foolish the moment it’s delivered."
But, secretly, he rejoiced with a fierce joy over the success of his device.
But, deep down, he felt an intense joy over the success of his invention.
Elizabeth came to summon Mary.
Liz came to summon Mary.
Ruth was glad when she got into the open air, and away from the house. Two hours were gone and over. Two out of a day, a day and a half—for it might be late on Monday morning before the Eccleston party returned.
Ruth was relieved when she got outside and away from the house. Two hours had passed. Two out of a day, a day and a half—since it could be late Monday morning before the Eccleston group came back.
She felt weak and trembling in body, but strong in power over herself. They had left the house in good time for church, so they needed not to hurry; and they went leisurely along the road, now and then passing some country person whom they knew, and with whom they exchanged a kindly, placid greeting. But presently, to Ruth's dismay, she heard a step behind, coming at a rapid pace, a peculiar clank of rather high-heeled boots, which gave a springy sound to the walk, that she had known well long ago. It was like a nightmare, where the Evil dreaded is never avoided, never completely shunned, but is by one's side at the very moment of triumph in escape. There he was by her side; and there was a quarter of a mile intervening between her and the church; but even yet she trusted that he had not recognised her.
She felt weak and shaky, but strong in control of herself. They had left the house with plenty of time to get to church, so there was no need to rush. They walked leisurely down the road, occasionally passing familiar country folk, exchanging friendly, calm greetings. But soon, to Ruth's horror, she heard footsteps behind her, coming quickly, the distinct clank of high-heeled boots that made a bouncy sound she recognized from long ago. It felt like a nightmare, where the feared presence is never fully escaped, always by your side at the moment you think you're safe. There he was next to her; there was still a quarter of a mile to the church, but she held onto the hope that he hadn’t recognized her yet.
"I have changed my mind, you see," said he, quietly. "I have some curiosity to see the architecture of the church; some of these old country churches have singular bits about them. Mr Bradshaw kindly directed me part of the way, but I was so much puzzled by 'turns to the right,' and 'turns to the left,' that I was quite glad to espy your party."
"I've changed my mind, you know," he said softly. "I'm curious to check out the church's architecture; some of these old country churches have unique features. Mr. Bradshaw was kind enough to point me part of the way, but I got so confused by 'turn right' and 'turn left' that I was really happy to spot your group."
That speech required no positive answer of any kind; and no answer did it receive. He had not expected a reply. He knew, if she were Ruth, she could not answer any indifferent words of his; and her silence made him more certain of her identity with the lady by his side.
That speech didn’t require any kind of answer, and it didn’t get one. He hadn’t expected a reply. He knew that if she was Ruth, she couldn’t respond to any of his indifferent words; and her silence made him even more sure that she was the same lady next to him.
"The scenery here is of a kind new to me; neither grand, wild, nor yet marked by high cultivation; and yet it has great charms. It reminds me of some parts of Wales." He breathed deeply, and then added, "You have been in Wales, I believe?"
"The scenery here is something I've never seen before; it's not grand, wild, or heavily cultivated, but it has a lot of charm. It reminds me of certain areas in Wales." He took a deep breath and then added, "You've been to Wales, right?"
He spoke low; almost in a whisper. The little church-bell began to call the lagging people with its quick, sharp summons. Ruth writhed in body and spirit, but struggled on. The church-door would be gained at last; and in that holy place she would find peace.
He spoke softly; almost in a whisper. The little church bell started to call the lingering people with its quick, sharp ring. Ruth squirmed in body and spirit, but pushed forward. She would finally reach the church door; and in that sacred place, she would find peace.
He repeated in a louder tone, so as to compel an answer in order to conceal her agitation from the girls:
He said more loudly, trying to get a response to hide her nervousness from the girls:
"Have you never been in Wales?" He used "never" instead of "ever," and laid the emphasis on that word, in order to mark his meaning to Ruth, and Ruth only. But he drove her to bay.
"Have you never been to Wales?" He used "never" instead of "ever," emphasizing that word to make his point clear to Ruth and no one else. But he cornered her.
"I have been in Wales, sir," she replied, in a calm, grave tone. "I was there many years ago. Events took place there, which contribute to make the recollection of that time most miserable to me. I shall be obliged to you, sir, if you will make no further reference to it."
"I've been to Wales, sir," she said, in a calm, serious tone. "I was there many years ago. Things happened there that make remembering that time very painful for me. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't bring it up again, sir."
The little girls wondered how Mrs Denbigh could speak in such a tone of quiet authority to Mr Donne, who was almost a member of Parliament. But they settled that her husband must have died in Wales, and, of course, that would make the recollection of the country "most miserable," as she said.
The little girls were curious about how Mrs. Denbigh could talk to Mr. Donne, who was nearly a member of Parliament, in such a calmly authoritative way. But they figured that her husband must have died in Wales, and that, of course, would make her memories of the place "really sad," as she put it.
Mr Donne did not dislike the answer, and he positively admired the dignity with which she spoke. His leaving her as he did must have made her very miserable; and he liked the pride that made her retain her indignation, until he could speak to her in private, and explain away a good deal of what she might complain of with some justice.
Mr. Donne didn't dislike the answer, and he genuinely admired the dignity with which she spoke. His leaving her as he did must have made her very unhappy; and he appreciated the pride that made her hold onto her anger until he could talk to her privately and clarify a lot of what she might justifiably complain about.
The church was reached. They all went up the middle aisle into the Eagle's Crag pew. He followed them in, entered himself, and shut the door. Ruth's heart sank as she saw him there; just opposite to her; coming between her and the clergyman who was to read out the Word of God. It was merciless—it was cruel to haunt her there. She durst not lift her eyes to the bright eastern light—she could not see how peacefully the marble images of the dead lay on their tombs, for he was between her and all Light and Peace. She knew that his look was on her; that he never turned his glance away. She could not join in the prayer for the remission of sins while he was there, for his very presence seemed as a sign that their stain would never be washed out of her life. But, although goaded and chafed by her thoughts and recollections, she kept very still. No sign of emotion, no flush of colour was on her face as he looked at her. Elizabeth could not find her place, and then Ruth breathed once, long and deeply, as she moved up the pew, and out of the straight, burning glance of those eyes of evil meaning. When they sat down for the reading of the first lesson, Ruth turned the corner of the seat so as no longer to be opposite to him. She could not listen. The words seemed to be uttered in some world far away, from which she was exiled and cast out; their sound, and yet more their meaning, was dim and distant. But in this extreme tension of mind to hold in her bewildered agony, it so happened that one of her senses was preternaturally acute. While all the church and the people swam in misty haze, one point in a dark corner grew clearer and clearer till she saw (what at another time she could not have discerned at all) a face—a gargoyle I think they call it—at the end of the arch next to the narrowing of the nave into the chancel, and in the shadow of that contraction. The face was beautiful in feature (the next to it was a grinning monkey), but it was not the features that were the most striking part. There was a half-open mouth, not in any way distorted out of its exquisite beauty by the intense expression of suffering it conveyed. Any distortion of the face by mental agony implies that a struggle with circumstance is going on. But in this face, if such struggle had been, it was over now. Circumstance had conquered; and there was no hope from mortal endeavour, or help from mortal creature to be had. But the eyes looked onward and upward to the "Hills from whence cometh our help." And though the parted lips seemed ready to quiver with agony, yet the expression of the whole face, owing to these strange, stony, and yet spiritual eyes, was high and consoling. If mortal gaze had never sought its meaning before, in the deep shadow where it had been placed long centuries ago, yet Ruth's did now. Who could have imagined such a look? Who could have witnessed—perhaps felt—such infinite sorrow, and yet dared to lift it up by Faith into a peace so pure? Or was it a mere conception? If so, what a soul the unknown carver must have had! for creator and handicraftsman must have been one; no two minds could have been in such perfect harmony. Whatever it was—however it came there—imaginer, carver, sufferer, all were long passed away. Human art was ended—human life done—human suffering over; but this remained; it stilled Ruth's beating heart to look on it. She grew still enough to hear words which have come to many in their time of need, and awed them in the presence of the extremest suffering that the hushed world has ever heard of.
The church was reached. They all walked up the middle aisle into the Eagle's Crag pew. He followed them in, sat down, and closed the door. Ruth's heart sank as she saw him there, right across from her; standing between her and the clergyman who was supposed to read the Word of God. It felt relentless and cruel to confront her like that. She didn’t dare lift her eyes to the bright eastern light—she couldn’t see how peacefully the marble figures of the dead rested on their tombs because he blocked her view of all Light and Peace. She knew he was watching her; that he never looked away. She couldn’t join in the prayer for forgiveness while he was present, for his very presence seemed to signal that the stain of her past would never be erased from her life. But despite being troubled and tormented by her thoughts and memories, she remained very still. There was no sign of emotion or color on her face as he looked at her. Elizabeth couldn’t find her place, and then Ruth took a long, deep breath as she moved up the pew, escaping the piercing gaze of those malevolent eyes. When they sat down for the reading of the first lesson, Ruth turned the corner of the seat so she wouldn’t be facing him anymore. She couldn’t listen. The words sounded like they were coming from some distant world, from which she felt exiled and cast out; their sound, and even more so their meaning, was vague and far away. But in this intense mental strain to suppress her bewildered agony, one of her senses became unusually sharp. While the whole church and the people around her swirled in a misty haze, one spot in a dark corner grew clearer and clearer until she perceived (what at another time she wouldn’t have noticed at all) a face—what they call a gargoyle—at the end of the arch next to where the nave narrowed into the chancel, in the shadow of that constriction. The face was beautifully formed (the one beside it was a grinning monkey), but it wasn’t just the features that were most striking. There was a half-open mouth, not distorted in any way from its exquisite beauty by the intense expression of suffering it conveyed. Any distortion of the face from mental torment suggests a struggle with circumstances. But in this face, if there had been a struggle, it was over now. Circumstance had triumphed; there was no hope from human effort or help from any mortal being. Yet the eyes looked forward and upward to the "Hills from whence cometh our help." And though the parted lips seemed poised to tremble with pain, the overall expression of the face, thanks to those strange, stony, and yet spiritual eyes, was elevated and comforting. If no mortal gaze had ever sought its meaning before, hidden in the deep shadow where it had remained for centuries, Ruth’s did now. Who could have imagined such a look? Who could have witnessed—perhaps even felt—such profound sorrow, yet had the courage to elevate it by Faith into a peace so pure? Or was it merely a figment of imagination? If so, what a soul the unknown sculptor must have possessed! For creator and craftsman must have been one; no two minds could have been in such perfect harmony. Whatever it was—however it came to be there—imaginer, carver, sufferer, all had long since passed away. Human art was finished—human life ended—human suffering over; yet this remained; it soothed Ruth’s racing heart to gaze upon it. She became still enough to hear words that have come to many in their times of need, and awed them in the face of the deepest suffering the quiet world has ever known.
The second lesson for the morning of the 25th of September is the 26th chapter of St Matthew's Gospel.
The second lesson for the morning of September 25th is the 26th chapter of the Gospel of St. Matthew.
And when they prayed again, Ruth's tongue was unloosed, and she also could pray, in His name, who underwent the agony in the garden.
And when they prayed again, Ruth was able to speak, and she also could pray, in His name, who experienced the suffering in the garden.
As they came out of church, there was a little pause and gathering at the door. It had begun to rain; those who had umbrellas were putting them up; those who had not were regretting, and wondering how long it would last. Standing for a moment, impeded by the people who were thus collected under the porch, Ruth heard a voice close to her say, very low, but very distinctly,
As they exited the church, there was a brief pause and a crowd at the door. It had started to rain; those with umbrellas were unfolding them, while those without were feeling regret and wondering how long the rain would continue. Standing for a moment, blocked by the people gathered under the porch, Ruth heard a voice right next to her say, very quietly, but very clearly,
"I have much to say to you—much to explain. I entreat you to give me the opportunity."
"I have a lot to tell you—so much to explain. Please, give me the chance."
Ruth did not reply. She would not acknowledge that she heard; but she trembled nevertheless, for the well-remembered voice was low and soft, and had yet its power to thrill. She earnestly desired to know why and how he had left her. It appeared to her as if that knowledge could alone give her a relief from the restless wondering that distracted her mind, and that one explanation could do no harm.
Ruth didn’t respond. She refused to admit that she heard him; still, she shook with emotion because the familiar voice was soft and low, yet still had the ability to excite her. She desperately wanted to understand why and how he had left her. It seemed to her that only that knowledge could relieve the restless wondering that troubled her thoughts, and that one explanation couldn’t hurt.
"No!" the higher spirit made answer; "it must not be."
"No!" the higher spirit replied; "it must not be."
Ruth and the girls had each an umbrella. She turned to Mary, and said,
Ruth and the girls each had an umbrella. She turned to Mary and said,
"Mary, give your umbrella to Mr Donne, and come under mine." Her way of speaking was short and decided; she was compressing her meaning into as few words as possible. The little girl obeyed in silence. As they went first through the churchyard stile, Mr Donne spoke again.
"Mary, give your umbrella to Mr. Donne and come under mine." Her tone was direct and firm; she was getting straight to the point. The little girl complied without saying a word. As they made their way through the churchyard gate, Mr. Donne spoke again.
"You are unforgiving," said he. "I only ask you to hear me. I have a right to be heard, Ruth! I won't believe you are so much changed, as not to listen to me when I entreat."
"You are relentless," he said. "I just ask you to listen to me. I have a right to be heard, Ruth! I refuse to believe you've changed so much that you won't listen when I plead."
He spoke in a tone of soft complaint. But he himself had done much to destroy the illusion which had hung about his memory for years, whenever Ruth had allowed herself to think of it. Besides which, during the time of her residence in the Benson family, her feeling of what people ought to be had been unconsciously raised and refined; and Mr Donne, even while she had to struggle against the force of past recollections, repelled her so much by what he was at present, that every speech of his, every minute they were together, served to make her path more and more easy to follow. His voice retained something of its former influence. When he spoke, without her seeing him, she could not help remembering former days.
He spoke in a tone of gentle complaint. However, he had done a lot to shatter the illusion that had lingered in her memory for years, whenever Ruth allowed herself to think about it. Moreover, during her time living with the Benson family, her sense of how people should be had quietly evolved and refined; and Mr. Donne, even while she struggled against the weight of past memories, repelled her so much by who he was now that every word he spoke, every moment they spent together, made her path easier to follow. His voice still carried some of its old charm. When he spoke, even without her seeing him, she couldn’t help but remember the days gone by.
She did not answer this last speech any more than the first. She saw clearly, that, putting aside all thought as to the character of their former relationship, it had been dissolved by his will—his act and deed; and that, therefore, the power to refuse any further intercourse whatsoever remained with her.
She didn’t respond to this last statement any more than she did to the first. She clearly understood that, aside from any consideration of their past relationship, it had been ended by his choice—his decision and action; and that, because of this, the power to refuse any further contact remained with her.
It sometimes seems a little strange how, after having earnestly prayed to be delivered from temptation, and having given ourselves with shut eyes into God's hand, from that time every thought, every outward influence, every acknowledged law of life, seems to lead us on from strength to strength. It seems strange sometimes, because we notice the coincidence; but it is the natural, unavoidable consequence of all truth and goodness being one and the same, and therefore carried out in every circumstance, external and internal, of God's creation.
It can feel a bit odd how, after sincerely praying to be free from temptation and fully trusting ourselves to God’s care, it seems like every thought, every external influence, and every accepted law of life pushes us forward. It feels strange at times because we see the connection, but it’s just the natural outcome of all truth and goodness being interconnected and reflected in every situation, both outside and inside, of God’s creation.
When Mr Donne saw that Ruth would not answer him, he became only the more determined that she should hear what he had to say. What that was he did not exactly know. The whole affair was most mysterious and piquant.
When Mr. Donne saw that Ruth wouldn't respond to him, he became even more determined that she should listen to what he had to say. He wasn't exactly sure what that was. The whole situation was incredibly mysterious and intriguing.
The umbrella protected Ruth from more than the rain on that walk homewards, for under its shelter she could not be spoken to unheard. She had not rightly understood at what time she and the girls were to dine. From the gathering at meal-times she must not shrink. She must show no sign of weakness. But, oh! the relief, after that walk, to sit in her own room, locked up, so that neither Mary nor Elizabeth could come by surprise, and to let her weary frame (weary with being so long braced up to rigidity and stiff quiet) fall into a chair anyhow—all helpless, nerveless, motionless, as if the very bones had melted out of her!
The umbrella shielded Ruth from more than just the rain on her walk home, because under its cover, she couldn't be addressed without being heard. She hadn't quite grasped what time she and the girls were supposed to have dinner. She couldn't back away from the gathering at mealtime. She needed to show no signs of weakness. But, oh! The relief, after that walk, to be in her own room, locked away so that neither Mary nor Elizabeth could surprise her, and to let her tired body (tired from being so long forced into stiffness and quiet) slump into a chair anyway—completely helpless, limp, motionless, as if her very bones had melted away!
The peaceful rest which her mind took was in thinking of Leonard. She dared not look before or behind, but she could see him well at present. She brooded over the thought of him, till she dreaded his father more and more. By the light of her child's purity and innocence, she saw evil clearly, and yet more clearly. She thought that, if Leonard ever came to know the nature of his birth, she had nothing for it but to die out of his sight. He could never know—human heart could never know, her ignorant innocence, and all the small circumstances which had impelled her onwards. But God knew. And if Leonard heard of his mother's error, why, nothing remained but death; for she felt, then, as if she had it in her power to die innocently out of such future agony; but that escape is not so easy. Suddenly a fresh thought came, and she prayed that, through whatever suffering, she might be purified. Whatever trials, woes, measureless pangs, God might see fit to chastise her with, she would not shrink, if only at last she might come into His presence in Heaven. Alas! the shrinking from suffering we cannot help. That part of her prayer was vain. And as for the rest, was not the sure justice of His law finding her out even now? His laws once broken, His justice and the very nature of those laws bring the immutable retribution; but if we turn penitently to Him, He enables us to bear our punishment with a meek and docile heart, "for His mercy endureth for ever."
The peaceful rest her mind found was in thinking about Leonard. She didn’t dare look ahead or behind, but she could see him clearly at that moment. She obsessed over the thought of him, until she began to dread his father more and more. Through the lens of her child's purity and innocence, she saw evil clearly, even more clearly than before. She believed that if Leonard ever learned the truth about his birth, she would have no choice but to disappear from his life. He could never understand—no human heart could truly grasp her innocent ignorance and all the little things that had pushed her forward. But God understood. And if Leonard heard about his mother's mistake, then death was all that remained; it felt as though she had the power to escape such future pain by dying innocently, but that escape is not so simple. Suddenly, a new thought struck her, and she prayed that, through whatever suffering, she might be purified. No matter what trials, sorrows, or unimaginable pain God chose to punish her with, she wouldn’t shrink back, if only she could ultimately stand in His presence in Heaven. Alas! We can’t help but shrink from suffering. That part of her prayer was in vain. And as for the rest, wasn’t the sure justice of His law already finding her out? Once His laws are broken, His justice, along with the very nature of those laws, brings inevitable consequences; but if we turn back to Him with remorse, He helps us endure our punishment with a humble and obedient heart, “for His mercy endures forever.”
Mr Bradshaw had felt himself rather wanting in proper attention to his guest, inasmuch as he had been unable, all in a minute, to comprehend Mr Donne's rapid change of purpose; and, before it had entered into his mind that, notwithstanding the distance of the church, Mr Donne was going thither, that gentleman was out of the sight, and far out of the reach, of his burly host. But though the latter had so far neglected the duties of hospitality as to allow his visitor to sit in the Eagle's Crag pew with no other guard of honour than the children and the governess, Mr Bradshaw determined to make up for it by extra attention during the remainder of the day. Accordingly he never left Mr Donne. Whatever wish that gentleman expressed, it was the study of his host to gratify. Did he hint at the pleasure which a walk in such beautiful scenery would give him, Mr Bradshaw was willing to accompany him, although at Eccleston it was a principle with him not to take any walks for pleasure on a Sunday. When Mr Donne turned round, and recollected letters which must be written, and which would compel him to stay at home, Mr Bradshaw instantly gave up the walk, and remained at hand, ready to furnish him with any writing-materials which could be wanted, and which were not laid out in the half-furnished house. Nobody knew where Mr Hickson was all this time. He had sauntered out after Mr Donne, when the latter set off for church, and he had never returned. Mr Donne kept wondering if he could have met Ruth—if, in fact, she had gone out with her pupils, now that the afternoon had cleared up. This uneasy wonder, and a few mental imprecations on his host's polite attention, together with the letter-writing pretence, passed away the afternoon—the longest afternoon he had ever spent; and of weariness he had had his share. Lunch was lingering in the dining-room, left there for the truant Mr Hickson; but of the children or Ruth there was no sign. He ventured on a distant inquiry as to their whereabouts.
Mr. Bradshaw felt he hadn’t given his guest the proper attention since he couldn’t grasp Mr. Donne's sudden change of plans. Before it occurred to him that Mr. Donne was actually heading to the church despite how far it was, Mr. Donne was already out of sight and too far away for his burly host to catch up. Although Mr. Bradshaw had neglected the duties of hospitality by allowing his visitor to sit in the Eagle's Crag pew with only the children and the governess for company, he decided to make up for it with extra attention for the rest of the day. He stayed close to Mr. Donne, trying to fulfill any wish he expressed. If Mr. Donne hinted that a walk through the beautiful scenery would please him, Mr. Bradshaw was eager to join him, even though he believed in not taking walks for pleasure on a Sunday. When Mr. Donne remembered he had letters to write that would keep him at home, Mr. Bradshaw immediately dropped the idea of a walk and stayed nearby, ready to provide any writing materials that might be needed, even if they weren’t laid out in the half-furnished house. Meanwhile, nobody knew where Mr. Hickson had gone. He had wandered out after Mr. Donne when he left for church and hadn’t come back. Mr. Donne found himself wondering if he might have run into Ruth—if she had gone out with her pupils now that the afternoon had cleared up. This anxious curiosity, along with some mental complaints about his host's overly polite attention and the need to write letters, made the afternoon feel painfully long; he had certainly felt his share of weariness. Lunch sat unattended in the dining room, left for the missing Mr. Hickson, but there was no sign of the children or Ruth. He cautiously asked about their whereabouts.
"They dine early; they are gone to church again. Mrs Denbigh was a member of the Establishment once; and, though she attends chapel at home, she seems glad to have an opportunity of going to church."
"They eat dinner early; they have gone to church again. Mrs. Denbigh was once part of the established church; and although she goes to a chapel at home, she seems happy to have a chance to attend church."
Mr Donne was on the point of asking some further questions about "Mrs Denbigh," when Mr Hickson came in, loud-spoken, cheerful, hungry, and as ready to talk about his ramble, and the way in which he had lost and found himself, as he was about everything else. He knew how to dress up the commonest occurrence with a little exaggeration, a few puns, and a happy quotation or two, so as to make it sound very agreeable. He could read faces, and saw that he had been missed; both host and visitor looked moped to death. He determined to devote himself to their amusement during the remainder of the day, for he had really lost himself, and felt that he had been away too long on a dull Sunday, when people were apt to get hypped if not well amused.
Mr. Donne was just about to ask more questions about "Mrs. Denbigh" when Mr. Hickson came in, loud, cheerful, hungry, and ready to talk about his adventure and how he had gotten lost and found himself again, as he was with everything else. He had a knack for turning the most ordinary events into entertaining stories with a bit of exaggeration, some puns, and a clever quote or two, making them sound really enjoyable. He was good at reading people's expressions and noticed that he had been missed; both the host and guest looked completely bored. He decided to focus on entertaining them for the rest of the day since he had actually lost track of time and felt he had been away too long on a dull Sunday, when people tended to get down if they weren't well entertained.
"It is really a shame to be indoors in such a place. Rain? yes, it rained some hours ago, but now it is splendid weather. I feel myself quite qualified for guide, I assure you. I can show you all the beauties of the neighbourhood, and throw in a bog and a nest of vipers to boot."
"It’s such a shame to be stuck inside in a place like this. Rain? Yeah, it rained a few hours ago, but now the weather is amazing. I’m totally qualified to be your guide, I promise. I can show you all the beautiful spots around here, plus I can include a bog and a snake's nest as an extra."
Mr Donne languidly assented to this proposal of going out; and then he became restless until Mr Hickson had eaten a hasty lunch, for he hoped to meet Ruth on the way from church, to be near her, and watch her, though he might not be able to speak to her. To have the slow hours roll away—to know he must leave the next day—and yet, so close to her, not to be seeing her—was more than he could bear. In an impetuous kind of way, he disregarded all Mr Hickson's offers of guidance to lovely views, and turned a deaf ear to Mr Bradshaw's expressed wish of showing him the land belonging to the house ("very little for fourteen thousand pounds"), and set off wilfully on the road leading to the church, from which, he averred, he had seen a view which nothing else about the place could equal.
Mr. Donne reluctantly agreed to the idea of going out, but he soon became restless until Mr. Hickson finished a quick lunch. He hoped to run into Ruth on her way back from church, wanting to be near her and observe her, even if he couldn't talk to her. The slow hours dragged on, and knowing he had to leave the next day while being so close to her but not actually seeing her was more than he could handle. Impulsively, he ignored all of Mr. Hickson's suggestions for beautiful views and dismissed Mr. Bradshaw's offer to show him the land associated with the house ("not much for fourteen thousand pounds") and set off determinedly on the road to the church, claiming he had seen a view from there that nothing else in the area could compare to.
They met the country people dropping homewards. No Ruth was there. She and her pupils had returned by the field-way, as Mr Bradshaw informed his guests at dinner-time. Mr Donne was very captious all through dinner. He thought it would never be over, and cursed Hickson's interminable stories, which were told on purpose to amuse him. His heart gave a fierce bound when he saw her in the drawing-room with the little girls.
They ran into the local people heading home. Ruth wasn't there. She and her students had taken the path through the fields, as Mr. Bradshaw mentioned to his guests during dinner. Mr. Donne was irritable throughout the meal. He felt like it would never end and grumbled about Hickson's never-ending stories, which were told just to entertain him. His heart raced when he spotted her in the living room with the little girls.
She was reading to them—with how sick and trembling a heart, no words can tell. But she could master and keep down outward signs of her emotion. An hour more to-night (part of which was to be spent in family prayer, and all in the safety of company), another hour in the morning (when all would be engaged in the bustle of departure)—if, during this short space of time, she could not avoid speaking to him, she could at least keep him at such a distance as to make him feel that henceforward her world and his belonged to separate systems, wide as the heavens apart.
She was reading to them—with a heart so sick and trembling that no words can describe it. But she was able to control and hide the outward signs of her emotion. One more hour tonight (part of which would be spent in family prayer, and all in the comfort of company), another hour in the morning (when everyone would be caught up in the chaos of leaving)—if, during this short time, she couldn't avoid talking to him, she could at least keep him at a distance that would make him feel that from now on, her world and his were separate, as far apart as the heavens.
By degrees she felt that he was drawing near to where she stood. He was by the table examining the books that lay upon it. Mary and Elizabeth drew off a little space, awe-stricken by the future member for Eccleston. As he bent his head over a book, he said, "I implore you; five minutes alone."
By stages, she sensed that he was getting closer to where she was standing. He was by the table, looking at the books placed on it. Mary and Elizabeth moved aside a bit, overwhelmed by the future representative for Eccleston. As he leaned over a book, he said, "I beg you; just five minutes alone."
The little girls could not hear; but Ruth, hemmed in so that no escape was possible, did hear.
The little girls couldn't hear; but Ruth, trapped with no way out, did hear.
She took sudden courage, and said, in a clear voice,
She suddenly found her courage and said, in a clear voice,
"Will you read the whole passage aloud? I do not remember it."
"Can you read the entire passage out loud? I don't remember it."
Mr Hickson, hovering at no great distance, heard these words, and drew near to second Mrs Denbigh's request. Mr Bradshaw, who was very sleepy after his unusually late dinner, and longing for bedtime, joined in the request, for it would save the necessity for making talk, and he might, perhaps, get in a nap, undisturbed and unnoticed, before the servants came in to prayers.
Mr. Hickson, standing not too far away, heard these words and stepped closer to support Mrs. Denbigh's request. Mr. Bradshaw, feeling quite drowsy after his unusually late dinner and eager for bed, added his voice to the request, as it would save him from having to make conversation, and he might, maybe, sneak in a nap, quietly and without being noticed, before the servants arrived for prayers.
Mr Donne was caught; he was obliged to read aloud, although he did not know what he was reading. In the middle of some sentence the door opened, a rush of servants came in, and Mr Bradshaw became particularly wide awake in an instant, and read them a long sermon with great emphasis and unction, winding up with a prayer almost as long.
Mr. Donne was caught; he had to read aloud, even though he had no idea what he was reading. In the middle of a sentence, the door opened, a bunch of servants rushed in, and Mr. Bradshaw instantly became very alert, reading them a lengthy sermon with a lot of emphasis and feeling, finishing up with a prayer that was nearly as long.
Ruth sat with her head drooping, more from exhaustion after a season of effort than because she shunned Mr Donne's looks. He had so lost his power over her—his power, which had stirred her so deeply the night before—that, except as one knowing her error and her shame, and making a cruel use of such knowledge, she had quite separated him from the idol of her youth. And yet, for the sake of that first and only love, she would gladly have known what explanation he could offer to account for leaving her. It would have been something gained to her own self-respect, if she had learnt that he was not then, as she felt him to be now, cold and egotistical, caring for no one and nothing but what related to himself.
Ruth sat with her head down, more from exhaustion after a season of hard work than because she avoided Mr. Donne's gaze. He had lost his hold over her—his influence that had moved her so deeply the night before—so much so that, except as someone who knew her mistakes and her shame and exploited that knowledge, she had completely separated him from the idol of her youth. And yet, for the sake of that first and only love, she would have gladly wanted to know what explanation he could provide for leaving her. It would have meant something for her own self-respect if she had learned that he wasn't, as she perceived him now, cold and self-centered, caring only for himself and nothing else.
Home, and Leonard—how strangely peaceful the two seemed! Oh, for the rest that a dream about Leonard would bring!
Home, and Leonard—how oddly calming the two felt! Oh, for the comfort that a dream about Leonard would bring!
Mary and Elizabeth went to bed immediately after prayers, and Ruth accompanied them. It was planned that the gentlemen should leave early the next morning. They were to breakfast half an hour sooner, to catch the railway train; and this by Mr Donne's own arrangement, who had been as eager about his canvassing, the week before, as it was possible for him to be, but who now wished Eccleston and the Dissenting interest therein very fervently at the devil.
Mary and Elizabeth went to bed right after prayers, and Ruth joined them. They planned for the guys to leave early the next morning. They were going to have breakfast half an hour earlier to catch the train, all arranged by Mr. Donne himself, who had been as enthusiastic about his campaigning the week before as he could be but now was very frustrated with Eccleston and the Dissenting interest there.
Just as the carriage came round, Mr Bradshaw turned to Ruth: "Any message for Leonard beyond love, which is a matter of course?"
Just as the carriage arrived, Mr. Bradshaw turned to Ruth: "Do you have any message for Leonard aside from love, which is a given?"
Ruth gasped—for she saw Mr Donne catch at the name; she did not guess the sudden sharp jealousy called out by the idea that Leonard was a grown-up man.
Ruth gasped—she noticed Mr. Donne react to the name; she didn’t realize the sudden sharp jealousy triggered by the thought that Leonard was an adult.
"Who is Leonard?" said he to the little girl standing by him; he did not know which she was.
"Who is Leonard?" he asked the little girl next to him; he didn't know which one she was.
"Mrs Denbigh's little boy," answered Mary.
"Mrs. Denbigh's young son," replied Mary.
Under some pretence or other, he drew near to Ruth; and in that low voice, which she had learnt to loathe, he said,
Under some pretext or another, he approached Ruth; and in that low voice, which she had come to despise, he said,
"Our child!"
"Our kid!"
By the white misery that turned her face to stone—by the wild terror in her imploring eyes—by the gasping breath which came out as the carriage drove away—he knew that he had seized the spell to make her listen at last.
By the white anguish that made her face look emotionless—by the wild fear in her pleading eyes—by the gasping breaths that escaped her as the carriage drove off—he realized that he had finally found a way to make her pay attention.
CHAPTER XXIV
The Meeting on the Sands
"He will take him away from me! He will take the child from me!"
"He’s going to take him away from me! He’s going to take my child from me!"
These words rang like a tolling bell through Ruth's head. It seemed to her that her doom was certain. Leonard would be taken from her! She had a firm conviction—not the less firm because she knew not on what it was based—that a child, whether legitimate or not, belonged of legal right to the father. And Leonard, of all children, was the prince and monarch. Every man's heart would long to call Leonard "Child!" She had been too strongly taxed to have much power left her to reason coolly and dispassionately, just then, even if she had been with any one who could furnish her with information from which to draw correct conclusions. The one thought haunted her night and day—"He will take my child away from me!" In her dreams she saw Leonard borne away into some dim land, to which she could not follow. Sometimes he sat in a swiftly-moving carriage, at his father's side, and smiled on her as he passed by, as if going to promised pleasure. At another time he was struggling to return to her; stretching out his little arms, and crying to her for the help she could not give. How she got through the days, she did not know; her body moved about and habitually acted, but her spirit was with her child. She thought often of writing and warning Mr Benson of Leonard's danger; but then she shrank from recurring to circumstances, all mention of which had ceased years ago; the very recollection of which seemed buried deep for ever. Besides, she feared occasioning discord or commotion in the quiet circle in which she lived. Mr Benson's deep anger against her betrayer had been shown too clearly in the old time to allow her to think that he would keep it down without expression now. He would cease to do anything to forward his election; he would oppose him as much as he could; and Mr Bradshaw would be angry, and a storm would arise, from the bare thought of which Ruth shrank with the cowardliness of a person thoroughly worn out with late contest. She was bodily wearied with her spiritual buffeting.
These words echoed like a tolling bell in Ruth's mind. She felt certain that her fate was sealed. Leonard would be taken from her! She firmly believed—though she couldn’t pinpoint why—that a child, legitimate or not, rightfully belonged to the father. And Leonard, above all, was the prince and ruler. Every man would long to address Leonard as "Child!" She was too emotionally drained to think clearly or rationally at that moment, especially since she wasn’t with anyone who could provide her with information to draw proper conclusions. One thought haunted her day and night—“He will take my child away from me!” In her dreams, she saw Leonard being taken away to some distant place where she couldn’t follow. Sometimes he was sitting in a fast-moving carriage next to his father, smiling at her as he passed by, as if heading toward some promised joy. Other times, he was struggling to return to her, reaching out his little arms and crying for help she couldn’t provide. She didn’t know how she got through the days; her body went through the motions, but her spirit was with her child. She often considered writing to warn Mr. Benson about Leonard's danger, but she hesitated to bring up circumstances that had been left behind for years; memories that felt buried deep forever. Plus, she feared causing discord in the peaceful circle she lived in. Mr. Benson’s deep anger toward her betrayer had been too apparent in the past for her to believe he wouldn’t express it again now. He would stop doing anything to support his election; he would oppose him as fiercely as possible, and Mr. Bradshaw would get angry, leading to a storm that Ruth dreaded, feeling the cowardice of someone utterly exhausted from a long struggle. She was physically drained from her emotional battles.
One morning, three or four days after their departure, she received a letter from Miss Benson. She could not open it at first, and put it on one side, clenching her hand over it all the time. At last she tore it open. Leonard was safe as yet. There were a few lines in his great round hand, speaking of events no larger than the loss of a beautiful "alley." There was a sheet from Miss Benson. She always wrote letters in the manner of a diary. "Monday we did so-and-so; Tuesday, so-and-so, &c." Ruth glanced rapidly down the page. Yes, here it was! Sick, fluttering heart, be still!
One morning, three or four days after they left, she got a letter from Miss Benson. She couldn’t open it at first and set it aside, clenching her hand around it the whole time. Finally, she ripped it open. Leonard was safe for now. There were a few lines in his large, round handwriting, mentioning nothing more significant than losing a beautiful "alley." There was a page from Miss Benson, too. She always wrote her letters like a diary. "Monday we did this; Tuesday, that," etc. Ruth quickly scanned the page. Yes, here it was! Sick, fluttering heart, calm down!
"In the middle of the damsons, when they were just on the fire, there was a knock at the door. My brother was out, and Sally was washing up, and I was stirring the preserve with my great apron and bib on; so I bade Leonard come in from the garden and open the door. But I would have washed his face first, if I had known who it was! It was Mr Bradshaw and the Mr Donne that they hope to send up to the House of Commons, as member of Parliament for Eccleston, and another gentleman, whose name I never heard. They had come canvassing; and when they found my brother was out, they asked Leonard if they could see me. The child said, 'Yes! if I could leave the damsons;' and straightway came to call me, leaving them standing in the passage. I whipped off my apron, and took Leonard by the hand, for I fancied I should feel less awkward if he was with me; and then I went and asked them all into the study, for I thought I should like them to see how many books Thurstan had got. Then they began talking politics at me in a very polite manner, only I could not make head or tail of what they meant; and Mr Donne took a deal of notice of Leonard, and called him to him; and I am sure he noticed what a noble, handsome boy he was, though his face was very brown and red, and hot with digging, and his curls all tangled. Leonard talked back as if he had known him all his life, till, I think, Mr Bradshaw thought he was making too much noise, and bid him remember he ought to be seen, not heard. So he stood as still and stiff as a soldier, close to Mr Donne; and as I could not help looking at the two, and thinking how handsome they both were in their different ways, I could not tell Thurstan half the messages the gentlemen left for him. But there was one thing more I must tell you, though I said I would not. When Mr Donne was talking to Leonard, he took off his watch and chain and put it round the boy's neck, who was pleased enough, you may be sure. I bade him give it back to the gentleman, when they were all going away; and I was quite surprised, and very uncomfortable, when Mr Donne said he had given it to Leonard, and that he was to keep it for his own. I could see Mr Bradshaw was annoyed, and he and the other gentleman spoke to Mr Donne, and I heard them say, 'too barefaced;' and I shall never forget Mr Donne's proud, stubborn look back at them, nor his way of saying, 'I allow no one to interfere with what I choose to do with my own.' And he looked so haughty and displeased, I durst say nothing at the time. But when I told Thurstan, he was very grieved and angry; and said he had heard that our party were bribing, but that he never could have thought they would have tried to do it at his house. Thurstan is very much out of spirits about this election altogether; and, indeed, it does make sad work up and down the town. However, he sent back the watch with a letter to Mr Bradshaw; and Leonard was very good about it, so I gave him a taste of the new damson-preserve on his bread for supper."
"In the middle of cooking the damsons, just as they were starting to heat up, there was a knock at the door. My brother was out, and Sally was doing the dishes, while I was stirring the preserve wearing my big apron and bib. So, I told Leonard to come in from the garden and open the door. But I would have washed his face first if I had known who it was! It was Mr. Bradshaw and Mr. Donne, who they hoped to send to the House of Commons as the member of Parliament for Eccleston, along with another gentleman whose name I didn’t catch. They had come to campaign, and when they found my brother was out, they asked Leonard if they could see me. The boy said, 'Yes! if I could leave the damsons;' and he quickly came to get me, leaving them standing in the hallway. I whipped off my apron and took Leonard's hand, thinking I’d feel less awkward with him by my side, then I invited them all into the study since I thought they’d like to see how many books Thurstan had. Then they started talking politics to me in a very polite way, but I couldn’t understand what they meant; and Mr. Donne paid a lot of attention to Leonard and called him over. I’m sure he noticed what a noble, handsome boy he was, even though his face was very brown and red, hot from digging, and his curls were all tangled. Leonard chatted back as if he had known him forever until Mr. Bradshaw seemed to think he was being too noisy and told him to remember he should be seen and not heard. So, he stood still and stiff like a soldier next to Mr. Donne. I couldn’t help but look at the two of them, thinking how handsome they both were in their own ways, so I ended up forgetting to tell Thurstan half the messages the gentlemen left for him. But there was one more thing I have to tell you despite saying I wouldn’t. When Mr. Donne was talking to Leonard, he took off his watch and chain and put it around the boy's neck, which Leonard was quite happy about, I’m sure. I told him to give it back to the gentleman when they were leaving, and I was quite surprised and very uncomfortable when Mr. Donne said he had given it to Leonard, and that he was supposed to keep it. I could see Mr. Bradshaw was annoyed, and he and the other gentleman spoke to Mr. Donne, and I heard them say, 'too blatant;' and I’ll never forget Mr. Donne’s proud, stubborn look back at them, nor his way of saying, 'I allow no one to interfere with what I choose to do with my own.' He looked so haughty and displeased that I didn’t dare say anything at the time. But when I told Thurstan, he was very upset and angry; he said he had heard that our party was bribing people, but he never thought they would try to do it at his house. Thurstan is very down about this election overall, and honestly, it has caused a lot of trouble in the town. However, he sent back the watch with a letter to Mr. Bradshaw; and Leonard was very good about it, so I gave him a taste of the new damson preserve on his bread for supper."
Although a stranger might have considered this letter wearisome from the multiplicity of the details, Ruth craved greedily after more. What had Mr Donne said to Leonard? Had Leonard liked his new acquaintance? Were they likely to meet again? After wondering and wondering over these points, Ruth composed herself by the hope that in a day or two she should hear again; and to secure this end, she answered the letters by return of post. That was on Thursday. On Friday she had another letter, in a strange hand. It was from Mr Donne. No name, no initials were given. If it had fallen into another person's hands, they could not have recognised the writer, nor guessed to whom it was sent. It contained simply these words:
Although a stranger might have found this letter tedious because of all the details, Ruth eagerly wanted more. What had Mr. Donne said to Leonard? Did Leonard like his new acquaintance? Would they meet again? After thinking about these questions, Ruth calmed herself with the hope that she would hear back in a day or two; to make sure of this, she replied to the letters right away. That was on Thursday. On Friday, she received another letter, written in an unfamiliar hand. It was from Mr. Donne. No name or initials were included. If it had ended up with someone else, they wouldn’t have recognized the writer or known who it was for. It simply contained these words:
"For our child's sake, and in his name, I summon you to appoint a place where I can speak, and you can listen, undisturbed. The time must be on Sunday; the limit of distance may be the circumference of your power of walking. My words may be commands, but my fond heart entreats. More I shall not say now, but, remember! your boy's welfare depends on your acceding to this request. Address B. D., Post-Office, Eccleston."
"For our child's sake, and in his name, I ask you to set a time and place where I can speak, and you can listen, without interruptions. It needs to be on Sunday, and the distance can only be as far as you can walk. My words might come across as orders, but my caring heart pleads. I won't say more now, but remember! your son's well-being depends on you agreeing to this request. Address B. D., Post-Office, Eccleston."
Ruth did not attempt to answer this letter till the last five minutes before the post went out. She could not decide until forced to it. Either way she dreaded. She was very nearly leaving the letter altogether unanswered. But suddenly she resolved she would know all, the best, the worst. No cowardly dread of herself, or of others, should make her neglect aught that came to her in her child's name. She took up a pen and wrote:
Ruth didn't try to respond to this letter until the last five minutes before the mail was sent out. She couldn't make a decision until she had no choice. She dreaded the thought of both outcomes. She almost left the letter unanswered completely. But suddenly, she decided she wanted to know everything—the good and the bad. No fear of herself or anyone else would make her ignore anything that came to her in her child's name. She picked up a pen and wrote:
"The sands below the rocks, where we met you the other night. Time, afternoon church."
"The sand beneath the rocks, where we saw you the other night. Time, afternoon service."
Sunday came.
Sunday arrived.
"I shall not go to church this afternoon. You know the way, of course; and I can trust you to go steadily by yourselves."
"I won't be going to church this afternoon. You know the way, obviously; and I trust you to go on your own."
When they came to kiss her before leaving her, according to their fond wont, they were struck by the coldness of her face and lips.
When they leaned in to kiss her before saying goodbye, as they often did, they were surprised by how cold her face and lips felt.
"Are you not well, dear Mrs Denbigh? How cold you are!"
"Are you alright, dear Mrs. Denbigh? You feel so cold!"
"Yes, darling! I am well;" and tears sprang into her eyes as she looked at their anxious little faces. "Go now, dears. Five o'clock will soon be here, and then we will have tea."
"Yes, sweetheart! I'm fine;" and tears filled her eyes as she looked at their worried little faces. "Go now, my loves. Five o'clock will be here before you know it, and then we can have tea."
"And that will warm you!" said they, leaving the room.
"And that will warm you!" they said, leaving the room.
"And then it will be over," she murmured—"over."
"And then it will be done," she whispered—"done."
It never came into her head to watch the girls as they disappeared down the lane on their way to church. She knew them too well to distrust their doing what they were told. She sat still, her head bowed on her arms for a few minutes, and then rose up and went to put on her walking things. Some thoughts impelled her to sudden haste. She crossed the field by the side of the house, ran down the steep and rocky path, and was carried by the impetus of her descent far out on the level sands—but not far enough for her intent. Without looking to the right hand or to the left, where comers might be seen, she went forwards to the black posts, which, rising above the heaving waters, marked where the fishermen's nets were laid. She went straight towards this place, and hardly stinted her pace even where the wet sands were glittering with the receding waves. Once there, she turned round, and in a darting glance, saw that as yet no one was near. She was perhaps half-a-mile or more from the grey, silvery rocks, which sloped away into brown moorland, interspersed with a field here and there of golden, waving corn. Behind were purple hills, with sharp, clear outlines, touching the sky. A little on one side from where she stood, she saw the white cottages and houses which formed the village of Abermouth, scattered up and down, and, on a windy hill, about a mile inland, she saw the little grey church, where even now many were worshipping in peace.
It never crossed her mind to watch the girls as they went down the lane on their way to church. She knew them too well to doubt that they would do what they were told. She sat still, her head resting on her arms for a few minutes, and then got up to put on her walking shoes. Some thoughts pushed her into a sudden hurry. She crossed the field beside the house, ran down the steep and rocky path, and was carried by the momentum of her descent far out on the flat sands—but not far enough for her purpose. Without looking to her right or left, where others could be seen, she walked towards the black posts that rose above the rolling waters, marking where the fishermen's nets were laid. She headed straight for this spot, hardly slowing her pace even where the wet sands sparkled with the receding waves. Once there, she turned around and glanced quickly to see that no one was in sight yet. She was perhaps half a mile or more from the grey, silvery rocks, which sloped down into brown moorland, dotted here and there with fields of golden, swaying corn. Behind her were purple hills with sharp, clear outlines against the sky. A little to one side from where she stood, she saw the white cottages and houses that made up the village of Abermouth, scattered here and there, and on a windy hill about a mile inland, she spotted the little grey church, where even then many were worshipping in peace.
"Pray for me!" she sighed out, as this object caught her eye.
"Pray for me!" she sighed, as this object caught her attention.
And now, close under the heathery fields, where they fell softly down and touched the sands, she saw a figure moving in the direction of the great shadow made by the rocks—going towards the very point where the path from Eagle's Crag came down to the shore.
And now, right by the heather-covered fields, where they gently sloped down and met the sands, she noticed a figure moving toward the large shadow created by the rocks—heading to the exact spot where the path from Eagle's Crag led down to the shore.
"It is he!" said she to herself. And she turned round and looked seaward. The tide had turned; the waves were slowly receding, as if loath to lose the hold they had, so lately, and with such swift bounds, gained on the yellow sands. The eternal moan they have made since the world began filled the ear, broken only by the skirl of the grey sea-birds as they alighted in groups on the edge of the waters, or as they rose up with their measured, balancing motion, and the sunlight caught their white breasts. There was no sign of human life to be seen; no boat, or distant sail, or near shrimper. The black posts there were all that spoke of men's work or labour. Beyond a stretch of the waters, a few pale grey hills showed like films; their summits clear, though faint, their bases lost in a vapoury mist.
"It’s him!" she thought to herself. Then she turned around and looked toward the sea. The tide had changed; the waves were slowly pulling back, as if reluctant to give up the grip they had recently and swiftly gained on the yellow sands. The endless sound they’ve made since the beginning of time filled the air, only interrupted by the cries of gray sea birds as they landed in groups at the water's edge or flew up with their steady, graceful movements, the sunlight catching their white chests. There was no sign of human life in sight; no boats, distant sails, or nearby fishermen. The dark posts were the only indication of human work or labor. Beyond the stretch of water, a few pale gray hills appeared like shadows; their tops clear but faint, their bases lost in a misty haze.
On the hard, echoing sands, and distinct from the ceaseless murmur of the salt sea waves, came footsteps—nearer—nearer. Very near they were when Ruth, unwilling to show the fear that rioted in her heart, turned round, and faced Mr Donne.
On the hard, echoing sand, separate from the constant sound of the salty sea waves, came footsteps—closer—closer. They were very near when Ruth, not wanting to reveal the fear that was racing in her heart, turned around and faced Mr. Donne.
He came forward, with both hands extended.
He stepped forward, holding out both hands.
"This is kind! my own Ruth," said he. Ruth's arms hung down motionless at her sides.
"This is kind! my own Ruth," he said. Ruth's arms hung limp at her sides.
"What! Ruth, have you no word for me?"
"What! Ruth, don’t you have anything to say to me?"
"I have nothing to say," said Ruth.
"I have nothing to say," Ruth said.
"Why, you little revengeful creature! And so I am to explain all before you will even treat me with decent civility."
"Why, you little vengeful imp! So, I have to explain everything before you'll even give me any basic courtesy."
"I do not want explanations," said Ruth, in a trembling tone. "We must not speak of the past. You asked me to come in Leonard's—in my child's name, and to hear what you had to say about him."
"I don't want any explanations," Ruth said, her voice shaking. "We can't talk about the past. You asked me to come in Leonard's—in my child's name, to hear what you have to say about him."
"But what I have to say about him relates to you even more. And how can we talk about him without recurring to the past? That past, which you try to ignore—I know you cannot do it in your heart—is full of happy recollections to me. Were you not happy in Wales?" he said, in his tenderest tone.
"But what I have to say about him is even more about you. And how can we discuss him without looking back at the past? That past, which you try to overlook—I know you can't really escape it in your heart—is filled with happy memories for me. Weren't you happy in Wales?" he said, in his most gentle tone.
But there was no answer; not even one faint sigh, though he listened intently.
But there was no reply; not even a slight sigh, though he listened closely.
"You dare not speak; you dare not answer me. Your heart will not allow you to prevaricate, and you know you were happy."
"You don’t dare to speak; you don’t dare to answer me. Your heart won’t let you lie, and you know you were happy."
Suddenly Ruth's beautiful eyes were raised to him, full of lucid splendour, but grave and serious in their expression; and her cheeks, heretofore so faintly tinged with the tenderest blush, flashed into a ruddy glow.
Suddenly, Ruth's beautiful eyes looked up at him, sparkling brightly but serious in their expression; and her cheeks, which had previously been just softly flushed with the lightest pink, now turned a deep red.
"I was happy. I do not deny it. Whatever comes, I will not blench from the truth. I have answered you."
"I was happy. I won’t deny it. No matter what happens, I won’t back down from the truth. I’ve answered you."
"And yet," replied he, secretly exulting in her admission, and not perceiving the inner strength of which she must have been conscious before she would have dared to make it—"and yet, Ruth, we are not to recur to the past! Why not? If it was happy at the time, is the recollection of it so miserable to you?"
"And yet," he replied, secretly thrilled by her admission and not realizing the inner strength she must have felt to dare to say it—"and yet, Ruth, we shouldn’t dwell on the past! Why not? If it was happy then, is remembering it so painful for you?"
He tried once more to take her hand, but she quietly stepped back.
He reached out again to take her hand, but she silently stepped back.
"I came to hear what you had to say about my child," said she, beginning to feel very weary.
"I came to hear what you had to say about my kid," she said, starting to feel really tired.
"Our child, Ruth."
"Our child, Ruth."
She drew herself up, and her face went very pale.
She straightened up, and her face turned very pale.
"What have you to say about him?" asked she, coldly.
"What do you have to say about him?" she asked, coldly.
"Much," exclaimed he—"much that may affect his whole life. But it all depends upon whether you will hear me or not."
"That's a lot," he exclaimed—"a lot that could impact his entire life. But it all depends on whether you'll listen to me or not."
"I listen."
"I'm listening."
"Good Heavens! Ruth, you will drive me mad. Oh! what a changed person you are from the sweet, loving creature you were! I wish you were not so beautiful." She did not reply, but he caught a deep, involuntary sigh.
"Good heavens! Ruth, you're driving me crazy. Oh! how you've changed from the sweet, loving person you used to be! I wish you weren't so beautiful." She didn’t say anything, but he noticed a deep, involuntary sigh.
"Will you hear me if I speak, though I may not begin all at once to talk of this boy—a boy of whom any mother—any parent, might be proud? I could see that, Ruth. I have seen him; he looked like a prince in that cramped, miserable house, and with no earthly advantages. It is a shame he should not have every kind of opportunity laid open before him."
"Will you listen to me if I talk, even if I can't immediately start discussing this boy—a boy that any mother—or any parent—would be proud of? I could see that, Ruth. I've seen him; he looked like a prince in that tiny, awful house, with no real advantages. It's a shame he doesn't have every kind of opportunity available to him."
There was no sign of maternal ambition on the motionless face, though there might be some little spring in her heart, as it beat quick and strong at the idea of the proposal she imagined he was going to make of taking her boy away to give him the careful education she had often craved for him. She should refuse it, as she would everything else which seemed to imply that she acknowledged a claim over Leonard; but yet sometimes, for her boy's sake, she had longed for a larger opening—a more extended sphere.
There was no hint of maternal ambition on her still face, though there might have been a little spark in her heart, as it raced at the thought of the proposal she believed he was about to make to take her son away for the careful education she had often wished for him. She should turn it down, just like she would everything else that suggested she accepted a claim over Leonard; but still, sometimes, for her son's sake, she had wished for a broader opportunity—a wider sphere.
"Ruth! you acknowledge we were happy once;—there were circumstances which, if I could tell you them all in detail, would show you how in my weak, convalescent state I was almost passive in the hands of others. Ah, Ruth! I have not forgotten the tender nurse who soothed me in my delirium. When I am feverish, I dream that I am again at Llan-dhu, in the little old bed-chamber, and you, in white—which you always wore then, you know—flitting about me."
"Ruth! You know we were once happy; there were things that, if I could share every detail, would show you how my weak, recovering state left me almost helpless in the hands of others. Oh, Ruth! I haven’t forgotten the caring nurse who comforted me during my delirium. When I have a fever, I dream that I’m back at Llan-dhu, in the little old bedroom, and you, in white—which you always wore back then, remember—moving around me."
The tears dropped, large and round, from Ruth's eyes—she could not help it—how could she?
The tears fell, big and round, from Ruth's eyes—she couldn't help it—how could she?
"We were happy then," continued he, gaining confidence from the sight of her melted mood, and recurring once more to the admission which he considered so much in his favour. "Can such happiness never return?" Thus he went on, quickly, anxious to lay before her all he had to offer, before she should fully understand his meaning.
"We were happy back then," he continued, feeling more confident seeing her soften, and he brought up the admission he thought worked in his favor once again. "Can we never have that happiness again?" He kept going, eager to share everything he had to offer before she completely grasped what he meant.
"If you would consent, Leonard should be always with you—educated where and how you liked—money to any amount you might choose to name should be secured to you and him—if only, Ruth—if only those happy days might return."
"If you agree, Leonard should always be with you—educated wherever and however you want—any amount of money you decide on would be provided for you and him—if only, Ruth—if only those happy days could come back."
Ruth spoke.
Ruth talked.
"I said that I was happy, because I had asked God to protect and help me—and I dared not tell a lie. I was happy. Oh! what is happiness or misery that we should talk about them now?"
"I said I was happy because I had asked God to protect and help me—and I didn't want to lie. I was happy. Oh! what is happiness or misery that we should discuss them now?"
Mr Donne looked at her, as she uttered these words, to see if she was wandering in her mind, they seemed to him so utterly strange and incoherent.
Mr. Donne looked at her as she said these words, trying to figure out if she was lost in her thoughts, because they seemed so completely strange and disconnected to him.
"I dare not think of happiness—I must not look forward to sorrow. God did not put me here to consider either of these things."
"I can't think about happiness—I shouldn't anticipate sorrow. God didn't place me here to dwell on either of those."
"My dear Ruth, compose yourself! There is no hurry in answering the question I asked."
"My dear Ruth, take a breath! There's no rush in answering the question I asked."
"What was it?" said Ruth.
"What was that?" said Ruth.
"I love you so, I cannot live without you. I offer you my heart, my life—I offer to place Leonard wherever you would have him placed. I have the power and the means to advance him in any path of life you choose. All who have shown kindness to you shall be rewarded by me, with a gratitude even surpassing your own. If there is anything else I can do that you can suggest, I will do it."
"I love you so much that I can't imagine living without you. I'm giving you my heart and my life—I’m ready to put Leonard wherever you want him to be. I have the ability and resources to help him in whatever direction you choose. Everyone who has been kind to you will be rewarded by me, with a gratitude that exceeds even yours. If there's anything else I can do that you can suggest, just let me know, and I’ll do it."
"Listen to me!" said Ruth, now that the idea of what he proposed had entered her mind. "When I said that I was happy with you long ago, I was choked with shame as I said it. And yet it may be a vain, false excuse that I make for myself. I was very young; I did not know how such a life was against God's pure and holy will—at least, not as I know it now; and I tell you truth—all the days of my years since I have gone about with a stain on my hidden soul—a stain which made me loathe myself, and envy those who stood spotless and undefiled; which made me shrink from my child—from Mr Benson, from his sister, from the innocent girls whom I teach—nay, even I have cowered away from God Himself; and what I did wrong then, I did blindly to what I should do now if I listened to you."
"Listen to me!" said Ruth, now that the idea of what he proposed had entered her mind. "When I said that I was happy with you long ago, I felt overwhelmed with shame as I said it. And yet it may be a pointless, false excuse I'm giving myself. I was very young; I didn't understand how such a life went against God's pure and holy will—at least, not as I know it now; and I tell you the truth—all the days of my life since then, I have carried a stain on my hidden soul—a stain that made me hate myself and envy those who stood clean and pure; it made me shrink away from my child—from Mr. Benson, from his sister, from the innocent girls I teach—no, I even recoiled from God Himself; and what I did wrong back then, I did without realizing what I should do now if I listened to you."
She was so strongly agitated that she put her hands over her face, and sobbed without restraint. Then, taking them away, she looked at him with a glowing face, and beautiful, honest, wet eyes, and tried to speak calmly, as she asked if she needed to stay longer (she would have gone away at once but that she thought of Leonard, and wished to hear all that his father might have to say). He was so struck anew by her beauty, and understood her so little, that he believed that she only required a little more urging to consent to what he wished; for in all she had said there was no trace of the anger and resentment for his desertion of her, which he had expected would be a prominent feature—the greatest obstacle he had to encounter. The deep sense of penitence she expressed, he mistook for earthly shame; which he imagined he could soon soothe away.
She was so overwhelmed that she covered her face with her hands and cried freely. Then, removing her hands, she looked at him with a radiant face and beautiful, sincere, tear-filled eyes, trying to speak calmly as she asked if she needed to stay longer (she would have left right away but thought of Leonard and wanted to hear everything his father had to say). He was so taken aback by her beauty and understood her so little that he believed she just needed a little more encouragement to agree to what he wanted; because in everything she had said, there was no sign of the anger and resentment he had expected from her about his abandonment, which he thought would be a major hurdle to overcome. The deep sense of regret she showed, he misinterpreted as mere embarrassment; which he thought he could easily soothe away.
"Yes, I have much more to say. I have not said half. I cannot tell you how fondly I will—how fondly I do love you—how my life shall be spent in ministering to your wishes. Money, I see—I know, you despise—"
"Yes, I have so much more to say. I haven't even said half. I can’t explain how deeply I will—how deeply I do love you—how my life will be dedicated to fulfilling your wishes. Money, I see—I know you hate"
"Mr Bellingham! I will not stay to hear you speak to me so again. I have been sinful, but it is not you who should—" She could not speak, she was so choking with passionate sorrow.
"Mr. Bellingham! I won’t stick around to hear you talk to me like that again. I have been wrong, but it’s not you who should—" She couldn’t continue, as she was overwhelmed with intense sadness.
He wanted to calm her, as he saw her shaken with repressed sobs. He put his hand on her arm. She shook it off impatiently, and moved away in an instant.
He wanted to soothe her because he noticed she was trembling with suppressed tears. He placed his hand on her arm. She shrugged it off impatiently and quickly moved away.
"Ruth!" said he, nettled by her action of repugnance, "I begin to think you never loved me."
"Ruth!" he said, annoyed by her look of disgust, "I'm starting to think you never loved me."
"I!—I never loved you! Do you dare to say so?"
"I!—I never loved you! Do you really dare to say that?"
Her eyes flamed on him as she spoke. Her red, round lip curled into beautiful contempt.
Her eyes flashed at him as she spoke. Her red, full lips curled into a stunning sneer.
"Why do you shrink so from me?" said he, in his turn getting impatient.
"Why do you pull away from me?" he said, becoming impatient.
"I did not come here to be spoken to in this way," said she. "I came, if by any chance I could do Leonard good. I would submit to many humiliations for his sake—but to no more from you."
"I didn't come here to be treated like this," she said. "I came hoping that I could help Leonard. I would put up with a lot of humiliations for him—but not from you anymore."
"Are not you afraid to brave me so?" said he. "Don't you know how much you are in my power?"
"Are you not afraid to challenge me like that?" he asked. "Don't you realize how much control I have over you?"
She was silent. She longed to go away, but dreaded lest he should follow her, where she might be less subject to interruption than she was here—near the fisherman's nets, which the receding tide was leaving every moment barer and more bare, and the posts they were fastened to more blackly uprising above the waters.
She was quiet. She wanted to leave, but was afraid he would follow her, where she might be less interrupted than she was here—near the fisherman’s nets, which the retreating tide was making more and more exposed with each passing moment, and the posts they were secured to rising darker above the water.
Mr Donne put his hands on her arms as they hung down before her—her hands tightly clasped together.
Mr. Donne placed his hands on her arms as they hung down in front of her—her hands tightly locked together.
"Ask me to let you go," said he. "I will, if you will ask me." He looked very fierce and passionate and determined. The vehemence of his action took Ruth by surprise, and the painful tightness of the grasp almost made her exclaim. But she was quite still and mute.
"Ask me to let you go," he said. "I will, if you ask me." He looked fierce, passionate, and determined. The intensity of his actions caught Ruth off guard, and the painful tightness of his grip almost made her cry out. But she stayed completely still and silent.
"Ask me," said he, giving her a little shake. She did not speak. Her eyes, fixed on the distant shore, were slowly filling with tears. Suddenly a light came through the mist that obscured them, and the shut lips parted. She saw some distant object that gave her hope.
"Ask me," he said, giving her a gentle shake. She didn’t reply. Her eyes, focused on the faraway shore, were slowly filling with tears. Suddenly, a light broke through the mist that surrounded them, and her lips parted. She noticed a distant object that filled her with hope.
"It is Stephen Bromley," said she. "He is coming to his nets. They say he is a very desperate, violent man, but he will protect me."
"It’s Stephen Bromley," she said. "He’s coming to his nets. They say he’s a really dangerous, violent guy, but he will keep me safe."
"You obstinate, wilful creature!" said Mr Donne, releasing his grasp. "You forget that one word of mine could undeceive all these good people at Eccleston; and that if I spoke out ever so little, they would throw you off in an instant. Now!" he continued, "do you understand how much you are in my power?"
"You stubborn, headstrong person!" Mr. Donne said, letting go of his hold. "You forget that just one word from me could set all these good people at Eccleston straight; and if I said even a little, they would turn against you in an instant. Now!" he continued, "do you realize how much control I have over you?"
"Mr and Miss Benson know all—they have not thrown me off," Ruth gasped out. "Oh! for Leonard's sake! you would not be so cruel."
"Mr. and Miss Benson know everything—they haven't misled me," Ruth gasped. "Oh! For Leonard's sake! You wouldn't be that cruel."
"Then do not you be cruel to him—to me. Think once more!"
"Then don't be cruel to him—or to me. Think again!"
"I think once more;" she spoke solemnly. "To save Leonard from the shame and agony of knowing my disgrace, I would lie down and die. Oh! perhaps it would be best for him—for me, if I might; my death would be a stingless grief—but to go back into sin would be the real cruelty to him. The errors of my youth may be washed away by my tears—it was so once when the gentle, blessed Christ was upon earth; but now, if I went into wilful guilt, as you would have me, how could I teach Leonard God's holy will? I should not mind his knowing my past sin, compared to the awful corruption it would be if he knew me living now, as you would have me, lost to all fear of God—" Her speech was broken by sobs. "Whatever may be my doom—God is just—I leave myself in His hands. I will save Leonard from evil. Evil would it be for him if I lived with you. I will let him die first!" She lifted her eyes to heaven, and clasped and wreathed her hands together tight. Then she said: "You have humbled me enough, sir. I shall leave you now."
"I think about it again," she said seriously. "To spare Leonard from the shame and pain of my disgrace, I would be willing to lay down and die. Oh! Maybe that would be best for him—for me, if I could; my death would be an easy grief—but going back into sin would be the real cruelty to him. The mistakes of my youth can be cleansed by my tears—it was so once when the gentle, blessed Christ was on earth; but now, if I willingly chose to live in guilt, like you want me to, how could I guide Leonard in understanding God's holy will? I wouldn’t mind him knowing about my past sins, compared to the awful corruption it would be if he saw me living now, like you want, without any fear of God—" Her voice broke with sobs. "Whatever my fate may be—God is just—I trust myself to Him. I will protect Leonard from evil. It would be evil for him if I stayed with you. I will let him die first!" She lifted her eyes to heaven and clasped her hands tightly together. Then she said: "You have humiliated me enough, sir. I will leave you now."
She turned away resolutely. The dark, grey fisherman was at hand. Mr Donne folded his arms, and set his teeth, and looked after her.
She turned away with determination. The dark, gray fisherman was nearby. Mr. Donne crossed his arms, clenched his teeth, and watched her go.
"What a stately step she has! How majestic and graceful all her attitudes were! She thinks she has baffled me now. We will try something more, and bid a higher price." He unfolded his arms, and began to follow her. He gained upon her, for her beautiful walk was now wavering and unsteady. The works which had kept her in motion were running down fast.
"What a dignified stride she has! How majestic and graceful all her poses were! She thinks she has outsmarted me now. We'll try something more and offer a higher price." He unfolded his arms and started to follow her. He caught up with her since her beautiful walk had become shaky and unstable. The energy that had kept her moving was quickly running out.
"Ruth!" said he, overtaking her. "You shall hear me once more. Aye, look round! Your fisherman is near. He may hear me, if he chooses—hear your triumph. I am come to offer to marry you, Ruth; come what may, I will have you. Nay—I will make you hear me. I will hold this hand till you have heard me. To-morrow I will speak to any one in Eccleston you like—to Mr Bradshaw; Mr ——, the little minister, I mean. We can make it worth while for him to keep our secret, and no one else need know but what you are really Mrs Denbigh. Leonard shall still bear this name, but in all things else he shall be treated as my son. He and you would grace any situation. I will take care the highest paths are open to him!"
"Ruth!" he called, catching up to her. "You need to hear me one more time. Look around! Your fisherman is close by. He could hear me if he wants—hear about your victory. I’ve come to ask you to marry me, Ruth; no matter what happens, I will have you. No—I'm going to make you listen to me. I’ll hold your hand until you’ve listened to me. Tomorrow, I’ll speak to anyone you want in Eccleston—to Mr. Bradshaw; the little minister, I mean. We can make it worth his while to keep our secret, and no one else has to know that you are truly Mrs. Denbigh. Leonard will still go by this name, but in every other way, he will be treated as my son. You and he would shine in any situation. I’ll ensure he has access to the best opportunities!"
He looked to see the lovely face brighten into sudden joy; on the contrary, the head was still hung down with a heavy droop.
He turned to see her beautiful face light up with sudden joy; instead, her head was still hung low with a heavy droop.
"I cannot," said she; her voice was very faint and low.
"I can't," she said; her voice was very soft and quiet.
"It is sudden for you, my dearest. But be calm. It will all be easily managed. Leave it to me."
"It’s sudden for you, my dear. But stay calm. It will all be taken care of. Just leave it to me."
"I cannot," repeated she, more distinct and clear, though still very low.
"I can't," she repeated, more clearly this time, though still very quietly.
"Why! what on earth makes you say that?" asked he, in a mood to be irritated by any repetition of such words.
"Why! What on earth makes you say that?" he asked, clearly annoyed by any repetition of those words.
"I do not love you. I did once. Don't say I did not love you then; but I do not now. I could never love you again. All you have said and done since you came with Mr Bradshaw to Abermouth first, has only made me wonder how I ever could have loved you. We are very far apart. The time that has pressed down my life like brands of hot iron, and scarred me for ever, has been nothing to you. You have talked of it with no sound of moaning in your voice—no shadow over the brightness of your face; it has left no sense of sin on your conscience, while me it haunts and haunts; and yet I might plead that I was an ignorant child—only I will not plead anything, for God knows all— But this is only one piece of our great difference—"
"I don't love you. I did once. Don't say I never loved you back then; but I don't now. I could never love you again. Everything you’ve said and done since you came with Mr. Bradshaw to Abermouth has only made me wonder how I ever loved you. We are very far apart. The time that has weighed down my life like hot iron brands, and scarred me forever, has meant nothing to you. You’ve talked about it without a hint of sorrow in your voice—no shadow over your face; it hasn’t left you feeling guilty, while it constantly haunts me; and yet I might argue that I was just a clueless child—only I won’t argue anything, because God knows all— But this is just one part of our hugedifference
"You mean that I am no saint," he said, impatient at her speech. "Granted. But people who are no saints have made very good husbands before now. Come, don't let any morbid, overstrained conscientiousness interfere with substantial happiness—happiness both to you and to me—for I am sure I can make you happy—aye! and make you love me, too, in spite of your pretty defiance. I love you so dearly I must win love back. And here are advantages for Leonard, to be gained by you quite in a holy and legitimate way."
"You mean I'm no saint," he said, annoyed by her words. "True. But plenty of people who aren't saints have been great husbands before. Come on, don't let any heavy, over-the-top sense of duty get in the way of real happiness—happiness for both of us—because I know I can make you happy—yes! And I can make you love me too, despite your cute defiance. I love you so much that I need to win your love in return. And here are benefits for Leonard that you can achieve in a completely legitimate way."
She stood very erect.
She stood very straight.
"If there was one thing needed to confirm me, you have named it. You shall have nothing to do with my boy, by my consent, much less by my agency. I would rather see him working on the roadside than leading such a life—being such a one as you are. You have heard my mind now, Mr Bellingham. You have humbled me—you have baited me; and if at last I have spoken out too harshly, and too much in a spirit of judgment, the fault is yours. If there were no other reason to prevent our marriage but the one fact that it would bring Leonard into contact with you, that would be enough."
"If there’s one thing that confirms my feelings, you’ve named it. You won’t have anything to do with my boy, not with my permission, and certainly not through me. I’d rather see him working by the side of the road than living a life like yours. You know how I feel now, Mr. Bellingham. You’ve brought me down—you’ve provoked me; and if I’ve spoken too harshly and in a judgmental way, that’s on you. Even if there were no other reason to stop our marriage, the fact that it would put Leonard in contact with you is enough."
"It is enough!" said he, making her a low bow. "Neither you nor your child shall ever more be annoyed by me. I wish you a good evening."
"It’s enough!" he said, giving her a slight bow. "You and your child will no longer be bothered by me. I wish you a good evening."
They walked apart—he back to the inn, to set off instantly, while the blood was hot within him, from the place where he had been so mortified—she to steady herself along till she reached the little path, more like a rude staircase than anything else, by which she had to climb to the house.
They walked in opposite directions—he headed back to the inn to leave right away, while the anger still burned inside him from the spot where he had felt so embarrassed—she moved slowly until she reached the small path, which was more like a rough staircase than anything else, that she had to climb to get to the house.
She did not turn round for some time after she was fairly lost to the sight of any one on the shore; she clambered on, almost stunned by the rapid beating of her heart. Her eyes were hot and dry; and at last became as if she were suddenly blind. Unable to go on, she tottered into the tangled underwood which grew among the stones, filling every niche and crevice, and little shelving space, with green and delicate tracery. She sank down behind a great overhanging rock, which hid her from any one coming up the path. An ash-tree was rooted in this rock, slanting away from the sea-breezes that were prevalent in most weathers; but this was a still, autumnal Sabbath evening. As Ruth's limbs fell, so they lay. She had no strength, no power of volition to move a finger. She could not think or remember. She was literally stunned. The first sharp sensation which roused her from her torpor was a quick desire to see him once more; up she sprang, and climbed to an out-jutting dizzy point of rock, but a little above her sheltered nook, yet commanding a wide view over the bare, naked sands;—far away below, touching the rippling water-line, was Stephen Bromley, busily gathering in his nets; besides him there was no living creature visible. Ruth shaded her eyes, as if she thought they might have deceived her; but no, there was no one there. She went slowly down to her old place, crying sadly as she went.
She didn’t turn around for a while after she was out of sight of anyone on the shore; she climbed on, almost overwhelmed by the rapid beating of her heart. Her eyes were hot and dry; eventually, it felt like she was suddenly blind. Unable to continue, she stumbled into the tangled underbrush that grew among the stones, filling every nook and cranny, and little ledges, with green and delicate patterns. She sank down behind a large overhanging rock that concealed her from anyone coming up the path. An ash tree was rooted in this rock, leaning away from the ocean breezes that were common in most weather; but tonight was a calm autumn Sunday evening. As Ruth’s limbs fell, they just lay there. She had no strength, no ability to even move a finger. She couldn’t think or recall anything. She was completely stunned. The first sharp feeling that jolted her out of her daze was a sudden desire to see him once more; she jumped up and climbed to a jutting point of rock just above her sheltered spot, giving her a wide view over the bare, exposed sands; far below, near the rippling water's edge, was Stephen Bromley, busy gathering his nets; besides him, there was no other living soul in sight. Ruth shaded her eyes, as if she thought they might be playing tricks on her; but no, there was no one else. She slowly made her way back to her old spot, crying sadly as she walked.
"Oh! if I had not spoken so angrily to him—the last things I said were so bitter—so reproachful!—and I shall never, never see him again!"
"Oh! if I hadn't spoken to him so angrily—the last things I said were so harsh—so blameful!—and I'll never, ever see him again!"
She could not take in the general view and scope of their conversation—the event was too near her for that; but her heart felt sore at the echo of her last words, just and true as their severity was. Her struggle, her constant flowing tears, which fell from very weakness, made her experience a sensation of intense bodily fatigue; and her soul had lost the power of throwing itself forward, or contemplating anything beyond the dreary present, when the expanse of grey, wild, bleak moors, stretching wide away below a sunless sky, seemed only an outward sign of the waste world within her heart, for which she could claim no sympathy;—for she could not even define what its woes were; and if she could, no one would understand how the present time was haunted by the terrible ghost of the former love.
She couldn't grasp the overall view and context of their conversation—it was too close for her to handle; but her heart ached at the memory of her last words, which, despite their harshness, were true. Her struggle and the tears that fell from sheer exhaustion left her feeling intensely drained; her spirit had lost the ability to look ahead or think about anything beyond the dreary now, while the vast expanse of grey, wild moors stretching below a sunless sky seemed like a reflection of the emptiness within her heart, for which she felt completely alone;—she couldn’t even pinpoint what her sorrows were, and even if she could, no one would comprehend how the present was haunted by the painful memory of lost love.
"I am so weary! I am so weary!" she moaned aloud at last. "I wonder if I might stop here, and just die away."
"I am so tired! I am so tired!" she moaned finally. "I wonder if I could just stop here and fade away."
She shut her eyes, until through the closed lids came a ruddy blaze of light. The clouds had parted away, and the sun was going down in a crimson glory behind the distant purple hills. The whole western sky was one flame of fire. Ruth forgot herself in looking at the gorgeous sight. She sat up gazing, and, as she gazed, the tears dried on her cheeks; and, somehow, all human care and sorrow were swallowed up in the unconscious sense of God's infinity. The sunset calmed her more than any words, however wise and tender, could have done. It even seemed to give her strength and courage; she did not know how or why, but so it was.
She closed her eyes, and through her closed lids, she saw a bright red light. The clouds had cleared away, and the sun was setting in a brilliant red behind the distant purple hills. The entire western sky was a blaze of fire. Ruth lost herself in the beautiful sight. She sat up, staring, and as she watched, the tears dried on her cheeks; somehow, all human worries and sadness were overwhelmed by the unspoken sense of God's vastness. The sunset soothed her more than any wise or loving words could have. It even seemed to give her strength and courage; she didn’t know how or why, but that was the case.
She rose, and went slowly towards home. Her limbs were very stiff, and every now and then she had to choke down an unbidden sob. Her pupils had been long returned from church, and had busied themselves in preparing tea—an occupation which had probably made them feel the time less long.
She got up and slowly made her way home. Her body was really stiff, and every now and then, she had to swallow an unwanted sob. Her kids had returned from church a while ago and had kept themselves busy making tea—which probably helped the time go by faster.
If they had ever seen a sleep-walker, they might have likened Ruth to one for the next few days, so slow and measured did her movements seem—so far away was her intelligence from all that was passing around her—so hushed and strange were the tones of her voice. They had letters from home announcing the triumphant return of Mr Donne as M.P. for Eccleston. Mrs Denbigh heard the news without a word, and was too languid to join in the search after purple and yellow flowers with which to deck the sitting-room at Eagle's Crag.
If they had ever seen a sleepwalker, they might have compared Ruth to one for the next few days, because her movements seemed so slow and deliberate—her mind was so distant from everything happening around her—and her voice sounded so quiet and strange. They received letters from home announcing the triumphant return of Mr. Donne as M.P. for Eccleston. Mrs. Denbigh heard the news without saying a word and was too exhausted to help look for purple and yellow flowers to decorate the sitting room at Eagle's Crag.
A letter from Jemima came the next day, summoning them home. Mr Donne and his friends had left the place, and quiet was restored in the Bradshaw household; so it was time that Mary's and Elizabeth's holiday should cease. Mrs Denbigh had also a letter—a letter from Miss Benson, saying that Leonard was not quite well. There was so much pains taken to disguise anxiety, that it was very evident much anxiety was felt; and the girls were almost alarmed by Ruth's sudden change from taciturn langour to eager, vehement energy. Body and mind seemed strained to exertion. Every plan that could facilitate packing and winding-up affairs at Abermouth, every errand and arrangement that could expedite their departure by one minute, was done by Ruth with stern promptitude. She spared herself in nothing. She made them rest, made them lie down, while she herself lifted weights and transacted business with feverish power, never resting, and trying never to have time to think.
A letter from Jemima arrived the next day, calling them home. Mr. Donne and his friends had left, and calm had returned to the Bradshaw household; it was time for Mary's and Elizabeth's holiday to end. Mrs. Denbigh also received a letter—one from Miss Benson, stating that Leonard wasn't feeling well. The effort to hide their anxiety was so noticeable that it was clear they were genuinely worried; the girls were nearly startled by Ruth's sudden shift from quiet lethargy to intense, enthusiastic energy. Both her body and mind seemed pushed to the limit. Every plan to make packing and wrapping up things at Abermouth easier, every task and arrangement to speed up their departure by even a minute, was tackled by Ruth with determined urgency. She didn’t hold back. She insisted they rest, lie down, while she herself lifted heavy loads and handled business with frenzied energy, never pausing, trying to keep herself from having time to think.
For in remembrance of the Past there was Remorse,—how had she forgotten Leonard these last few days!—how had she repined and been dull of heart to her blessing! And in anticipation of the Future there was one sharp point of red light in the darkness which pierced her brain with agony, and which she would not see or recognise—and saw and recognised all the more for such mad determination—which is not the true shield against the bitterness of the arrows of Death.
For remembering the Past brought regret—how had she forgotten Leonard these last few days!—how had she been discontent and unappreciative of her blessing! And looking forward to the Future, there was one sharp point of red light in the darkness that pierced her mind with pain, which she refused to acknowledge and see—and yet she saw and recognized it even more due to that crazy determination—which isn’t the real protection against the pain of Death's arrows.
When the seaside party arrived in Eccleston, they were met by Mrs and Miss Bradshaw and Mr Benson. By a firm resolution, Ruth kept from shaping the question, "Is he alive?" as if by giving shape to her fears she made their realisation more imminent. She said merely, "How is he?" but she said it with drawn, tight, bloodless lips, and in her eyes Mr Benson read her anguish of anxiety.
When the seaside group arrived in Eccleston, they were greeted by Mrs. and Miss Bradshaw and Mr. Benson. Ruth firmly decided not to ask, "Is he alive?" because she felt that giving voice to her fears would make them more real. Instead, she simply asked, "How is he?" but her lips were tight and pale, and in her eyes, Mr. Benson could see her deep anxiety.
"He is very ill, but we hope he will soon be better. It is what every child has to go through."
"He is really sick, but we hope he will get better soon. It’s something every child has to deal with."
CHAPTER XXV
Jemima Makes a Discovery
Mr Bradshaw had been successful in carrying his point. His member had been returned; his proud opponents mortified. So the public thought he ought to be well pleased; but the public were disappointed to see that he did not show any of the gratification they supposed him to feel.
Mr. Bradshaw had successfully made his point. He had been re-elected; his proud opponents were humiliated. So the public thought he should be really happy, but they were disappointed to see that he didn't show any of the satisfaction they assumed he felt.
The truth was, that he had met with so many small mortifications during the progress of the election, that the pleasure which he would otherwise have felt in the final success of his scheme was much diminished.
The truth was, he had faced so many little humiliations during the election process that the joy he would have otherwise experienced from the final success of his plan was significantly reduced.
He had more than tacitly sanctioned bribery; and now that the excitement was over, he regretted it; not entirely from conscientious motives, though he was uneasy from a slight sense of wrong-doing; but he was more pained, after all, to think that, in the eyes of some of his townsmen, his hitherto spotless character had received a blemish. He, who had been so stern and severe a censor on the undue influence exercised by the opposite party in all preceding elections, could not expect to be spared by their adherents now, when there were rumours that the hands of the scrupulous Dissenters were not clean. Before, it had been his boast that neither friend nor enemy could say one word against him; now, he was constantly afraid of an indictment for bribery, and of being compelled to appear before a Committee to swear to his own share in the business.
He had more than just indirectly allowed bribery, and now that the excitement had died down, he regretted it. It wasn't entirely because of his conscience, although he did feel a bit uneasy about doing something wrong; rather, he was more upset thinking that, in the eyes of some of his fellow townspeople, his previously spotless reputation had been tarnished. He, who had been such a strict critic of the unfair influence exerted by the opposing party in all previous elections, couldn’t expect to be exempt from criticism now, especially with rumors suggesting that the hands of the principled Dissenters weren’t clean either. Previously, he had proudly claimed that neither friends nor foes could say a single bad word against him; now, he was constantly worried about being accused of bribery and having to appear before a Committee to testify about his involvement in the matter.
His uneasy, fearful consciousness made him stricter and sterner than ever; as if he would quench all wondering, slanderous talk about him in the town by a renewed austerity of uprightness; that the slack-principled Mr Bradshaw of one month of ferment and excitement might not be confounded with the highly-conscientious and deeply-religious Mr Bradshaw, who went to chapel twice a day, and gave a hundred pounds a-piece to every charity in the town, as a sort of thank-offering that his end was gained.
His anxious, fearful awareness made him stricter and harsher than ever; as if he wanted to silence all the gossip and slander about him in town by showing an even stronger sense of morality. He wanted the loose-living Mr. Bradshaw, who had just spent a month in turmoil and excitement, to be seen as different from the deeply principled and very religious Mr. Bradshaw, who went to church twice a day and donated a hundred pounds to every charity in town, as a way of expressing gratitude that he had achieved his goals.
But he was secretly dissatisfied with Mr Donne. In general, that gentleman had been rather too willing to act in accordance with any one's advice, no matter whose; as if he had thought it too much trouble to weigh the wisdom of his friends, in which case Mr Bradshaw's would have, doubtless, proved the most valuable. But now and then he unexpectedly, and utterly without reason, took the conduct of affairs into his own hands, as when he had been absent without leave only just before the day of nomination. No one guessed whither he had gone; but the fact of his being gone was enough to chagrin Mr Bradshaw, who was quite ready to pick a quarrel on this very head, if the election had not terminated favourably. As it was, he had a feeling of proprietorship in Mr Donne which was not disagreeable. He had given the new M.P. his seat; his resolution, his promptitude, his energy, had made Mr Donne "our member;" and Mr Bradshaw began to feel proud of him accordingly. But there had been no one circumstance during this period to bind Jemima and Mr Farquhar together. They were still misunderstanding each other with all their power. The difference in the result was this: Jemima loved him all the more, in spite of quarrels and coolness. He was growing utterly weary of the petulant temper of which he was never certain; of the reception which varied day after day, according to the mood she was in and the thoughts that were uppermost; and he was almost startled to find how very glad he was that the little girls and Mrs Denbigh were coming home. His was a character to bask in peace; and lovely, quiet Ruth, with her low tones and quiet replies, her delicate waving movements, appeared to him the very type of what a woman should be—a calm, serene soul, fashioning the body to angelic grace.
But he was secretly unhappy with Mr. Donne. Generally, that guy had been way too eager to follow anyone's advice, no matter whose it was; as if he thought it was too much trouble to consider the wisdom of his friends, especially since Mr. Bradshaw's advice would have undoubtedly been the most valuable. Yet, now and then, he would unexpectedly, and completely without reason, take charge of things, like when he went absent without leave just before the nomination day. No one knew where he had gone; but the fact that he was gone was enough to annoy Mr. Bradshaw, who was ready to pick a fight over this very issue if the election hadn’t turned out well. As it was, he felt a sense of ownership over Mr. Donne that wasn't unpleasant. He had given the new M.P. his seat; his determination, quick thinking, and energy had made Mr. Donne "our member;" and Mr. Bradshaw started to feel proud of him for that. However, there was nothing during this time that had brought Jemima and Mr. Farquhar closer together. They were still misunderstanding each other with all their might. The difference in the outcome was this: Jemima loved him even more, despite their arguments and distance. He was growing completely tired of her unpredictable moods; her reception varied from day to day, depending on her mood and what was on her mind; and he was almost surprised to find how happy he was that the little girls and Mrs. Denbigh were coming home. He was the type to thrive in peace; and lovely, calm Ruth, with her gentle voice and soft replies, her delicate gestures, seemed to him the perfect example of what a woman should be—a calm, serene soul, shaping her body into angelic elegance.
It was, therefore, with no slight interest that Mr Farquhar inquired daily after the health of little Leonard. He asked at the Bensons' house; and Sally answered him, with swollen and tearful eyes, that the child was very bad—very bad indeed. He asked at the doctor's; and the doctor told him, in a few short words, that "it was only a bad kind of measles, and that the lad might have a struggle for it, but he thought he would get through. Vigorous children carried their force into everything; never did things by halves; if they were ill, they were sure to be in a high fever directly; if they were well, there was no peace in the house for their rioting. For his part," continued the doctor, "he thought he was glad he had had no children; as far as he could judge, they were pretty much all plague and no profit." But as he ended his speech he sighed; and Mr Farquhar was none the less convinced that common report was true, which represented the clever, prosperous surgeon of Eccleston as bitterly disappointed at his failure of offspring.
It was, therefore, with considerable interest that Mr. Farquhar asked daily about little Leonard's health. He inquired at the Bensons' house, and Sally, with swollen and tearful eyes, told him that the child was very sick—very sick indeed. He checked in with the doctor, who told him in a few brief words that "it was just a bad case of measles, and the boy might have a tough time with it, but he thought he'd pull through. Healthy kids put all their energy into everything; they never did things halfway; if they got sick, they were sure to end up in a high fever right away; if they were well, there was no peace in the house because of their antics. For my part," the doctor continued, "I’m glad I haven’t had any children; from what I can tell, they're mostly a hassle with no benefit." But as he finished speaking, he sighed, and Mr. Farquhar was still convinced that the common rumor was true, which portrayed the smart, successful surgeon of Eccleston as deeply disappointed by his lack of children.
While these various interests and feelings had their course outside the Chapel-house, within there was but one thought which possessed all the inmates. When Sally was not cooking for the little invalid, she was crying; for she had had a dream about green rushes, not three months ago, which, by some queer process of oneiromancy she interpreted to mean the death of a child; and all Miss Benson's endeavours were directed to making her keep silence to Ruth about this dream. Sally thought that the mother ought to be told; what were dreams sent for but for warnings? But it was just like a pack of Dissenters, who would not believe anything like other folks. Miss Benson was too much accustomed to Sally's contempt for Dissenters, as viewed from the pinnacle of the Establishment, to pay much attention to all this grumbling; especially as Sally was willing to take as much trouble about Leonard as if she believed he was going to live, and that his recovery depended upon her care. Miss Benson's great object was to keep her from having any confidential talks with Ruth; as if any repetition of the dream could have deepened the conviction in Ruth's mind that the child would die.
While these various interests and feelings played out outside the Chapel-house, inside there was just one thought occupying all the residents. When Sally wasn't cooking for the little sick child, she was crying; she had a dream about green rushes not three months ago that she somehow interpreted to mean the death of a child. All of Miss Benson's efforts were focused on making sure Sally didn’t tell Ruth about this dream. Sally believed the mother needed to know; weren’t dreams meant to serve as warnings? But that was just like a group of Dissenters, who wouldn’t believe anything like everyone else. Miss Benson was too used to Sally's disdain for Dissenters, viewed from her position in the Establishment, to pay much attention to all this complaining; especially since Sally was willing to put in just as much effort for Leonard as if she believed he was going to live and that his recovery relied on her care. Miss Benson’s main goal was to prevent her from having any private conversations with Ruth; as if mentioning the dream again could have strengthened Ruth's belief that the child would die.
It seemed to her that his death would only be the fitting punishment for the state of indifference towards him—towards life and death—towards all things earthly or divine, into which she had suffered herself to fall since her last interview with Mr Donne. She did not understand that such exhaustion is but the natural consequence of violent agitation and severe tension of feeling. The only relief she experienced was in constantly serving Leonard; she had almost an animal's jealousy lest any one should come between her and her young. Mr Benson saw this jealous suspicion, although he could hardly understand it; but he calmed his sister's wonder and officious kindness, so that the two patiently and quietly provided all that Ruth might want, but did not interfere with her right to nurse Leonard. But when he was recovering, Mr Benson, with the slight tone of authority he knew how to assume when need was, bade Ruth lie down and take some rest, while his sister watched. Ruth did not answer, but obeyed in a dull, weary kind of surprise at being so commanded. She lay down by her child, gazing her fill at his calm slumber; and as she gazed, her large white eyelids were softly pressed down as with a gentle irresistible weight, and she fell asleep.
It seemed to her that his death would be the only right punishment for the indifference shown towards him—towards life and death—towards everything earthly or divine, into which she had allowed herself to sink since her last meeting with Mr. Donne. She didn’t realize that such exhaustion is just a natural result of intense emotion and stress. The only relief she found was in constantly caring for Leonard; she felt a primal jealousy at the thought of anyone coming between her and her young one. Mr. Benson noticed this jealous suspicion, though he could hardly grasp it; still, he managed to ease his sister's curiosity and overzealousness, allowing them both to patiently and quietly provide everything Ruth might need, without interfering with her right to care for Leonard. However, when he was getting better, Mr. Benson, using the slight authoritative tone he knew how to adopt when necessary, told Ruth to lie down and rest while his sister watched over Leonard. Ruth didn’t respond, but complied, feeling a dull, weary surprise at the order. She lay down next to her child, staring at his peaceful sleep; as she gazed, her heavy eyelids slowly closed under a gentle, irresistible weight, and she fell asleep.
She dreamed that she was once more on the lonely shore, striving to carry Leonard away from some pursuer—some human pursuer—she knew he was human, and she knew who he was, although she dared not say his name even to herself, he seemed so close and present, gaining on her flying footsteps, rushing after her as with the sound of the roaring tide. Her feet seemed heavy weights fixed to the ground; they would not move. All at once, just near the shore, a great black whirlwind of waves clutched her back to her pursuer; she threw Leonard on to land, which was safety; but whether he reached it or no, or was swept back like her into a mysterious something too dreadful to be borne, she did not know, for the terror awakened her. At first the dream seemed yet a reality, and she thought that the pursuer was couched even there, in that very room, and the great boom of the sea was still in her ears. But as full consciousness returned, she saw herself safe in the dear old room—the haven of rest—the shelter from storms. A bright fire was glowing in the little old-fashioned, cup-shaped grate, niched into a corner of the wall, and guarded on either side by whitewashed bricks, which rested on hobs. On one of these the kettle hummed and buzzed, within two points of boiling whenever she or Leonard required tea. In her dream that home-like sound had been the roaring of the relentless sea, creeping swiftly on to seize its prey. Miss Benson sat by the fire, motionless and still; it was too dark to read any longer without a candle; but yet on the ceiling and upper part of the walls the golden light of the setting sun was slowly moving—so slow, and yet a motion gives the feeling of rest to the weary yet more than perfect stillness. The old clock on the staircase told its monotonous click-clack, in that soothing way which more marked the quiet of the house than disturbed with any sense of sound. Leonard still slept that renovating slumber, almost in her arms, far from that fatal pursuing sea, with its human form of cruelty. The dream was a vision; the reality which prompted the dream was over and past—Leonard was safe—she was safe; all this loosened the frozen springs, and they gushed forth in her heart, and her lips moved in accordance with her thoughts.
She dreamed that she was back on the lonely shore, trying to carry Leonard away from some pursuer—some human pursuer. She knew he was human and knew who he was, though she didn’t dare say his name, even to herself. He felt so close and present, gaining on her flying footsteps, rushing after her with the sound of the roaring tide. Her feet felt like heavy weights anchored to the ground; they wouldn’t move. Suddenly, just near the shore, a massive black whirlwind of waves pulled her back toward her pursuer; she threw Leonard onto the land, which was safety. But she didn’t know if he made it or if he was swept back, like her, into something too awful to bear, because the terror woke her up. At first, the dream still felt real, and she thought the pursuer was right there in that very room, and the loud sound of the sea was still ringing in her ears. But as she became fully conscious, she saw herself safe in the familiar old room—the haven of rest—the shelter from storms. A bright fire flickered in the little old-fashioned, cup-shaped grate, tucked into a corner of the wall, and flanked on either side by whitewashed bricks resting on hobs. On one of these, the kettle hummed and buzzed, just about to boil whenever she or Leonard wanted tea. In her dream, that comforting sound had been the roaring of the relentless sea, creeping swiftly to capture its prey. Miss Benson sat by the fire, still and motionless; it was too dark to read without a candle, but the golden light of the setting sun was slowly moving across the ceiling and upper walls—so slow, yet the movement brought a sense of rest to the weary, more than perfect stillness. The old clock on the staircase ticked in a monotonous rhythm, soothing the quiet of the house rather than disturbing it with any real sound. Leonard still slept that rejuvenating sleep, almost in her arms, far from that deadly pursuing sea, with its human form of cruelty. The dream was a vision; the reality that triggered the dream was over and done—Leonard was safe—she was safe; all of this released the frozen emotions within her, and her heart surged, causing her lips to move in sync with her thoughts.
"What were you saying, my darling?" said Miss Benson, who caught sight of the motion, and fancied she was asking for something. Miss Benson bent over the side of the bed on which Ruth lay, to catch the low tones of her voice.
"What were you saying, my love?" Miss Benson asked, noticing the movement and thinking Ruth was asking for something. Miss Benson leaned over the edge of the bed where Ruth was lying to hear her soft voice.
"I only said," replied Ruth, timidly, "thank God! I have so much to thank Him for, you don't know."
"I just said," Ruth replied shyly, "thank God! I have so much to thank Him for, you have no idea."
"My dear, I am sure we have all of us cause to be thankful that our boy is spared. See! he is wakening up; and we will have a cup of tea together."
"My dear, I'm sure we all have reason to be grateful that our boy is safe. Look! He's waking up; let's have a cup of tea together."
Leonard strode on to perfect health; but he was made older in
character and looks by his severe illness. He grew tall and thin, and
the lovely child was lost in the handsome boy. He began to wonder,
and to question. Ruth mourned a little over the vanished babyhood,
when she was all in all, and over the childhood, whose petals had
fallen away; it seemed as though two of her children were gone—the
one an infant, the other a bright, thoughtless darling; and she
wished that they could have remained quick in her memory for ever,
instead of being absorbed in loving pride for the present boy. But
these were only fanciful regrets, flitting like shadows across a
mirror. Peace and thankfulness were once more the atmosphere of her
mind; nor was her unconsciousness disturbed by any suspicion of Mr
Farquhar's increasing approbation and admiration, which he was
diligently nursing up into love for her. She knew that he had
sent—she did not know how often he had brought—fruit for the
convalescent Leonard. She heard, on her return from her daily
employment, that Mr Farquhar had brought a little gentle pony on
which Leonard, weak as he was, might ride. To confess the truth, her
maternal pride was such that she thought that all kindness shown to
such a boy as Leonard was but natural; she believed him to
be
Leonard walked into great health, but his serious illness made him appear older in both character and looks. He became tall and thin, and the lovely child was now overshadowed by the handsome boy. He started to wonder and to question. Ruth felt a bit sad about the lost babyhood when she was everything to him, as well as the childhood that had gone by; it felt like she had lost two of her children—one as an infant and the other as a carefree darling. She wished they could have stayed fresh in her memory forever instead of being replaced by her proud love for the boy he had become. But these were just fleeting regrets, like shadows passing across a mirror. Peace and gratitude filled her mind again; she remained unaware of Mr. Farquhar’s growing affection and admiration, which he was carefully nurturing into love for her. She knew he had sent—though she didn’t realize how often—fruit for the recovering Leonard. Upon returning from her daily errands, she learned that Mr. Farquhar had brought a gentle little pony for Leonard to ride, even though he was still weak. To be honest, her maternal pride made her feel that any kindness shown to a boy like Leonard was just normal; she believed him to be
A child whom all that looked on, loved.
A child that everyone who saw loved.
As in truth he was; and the proof of this was daily shown in many kind inquiries, and many thoughtful little offerings, besides Mr Farquhar's. The poor (warm and kind of heart to all sorrow common to humanity) were touched with pity for the young widow, whose only child lay ill, and nigh unto death. They brought what they could—a fresh egg, when eggs were scarce—a few ripe pears that grew on the sunniest side of the humblest cottage, where the fruit was regarded as a source of income—a call of inquiry, and a prayer that God would spare the child, from an old crippled woman, who could scarcely drag herself so far as the Chapel-house, yet felt her worn and weary heart stirred with a sharp pang of sympathy, and a very present remembrance of the time when she too was young, and saw the life-breath quiver out of her child, now an angel in that heaven which felt more like home to the desolate old creature than this empty earth. To all such, when Leonard was better, Ruth went, and thanked them from her heart. She and the old cripple sat hand in hand over the scanty fire on the hearth of the latter, while she told in solemn, broken, homely words, how her child sickened and died. Tears fell like rain down Ruth's cheeks; but those of the old woman were dry. All tears had been wept out of her long ago, and now she sat patient and quiet, waiting for death. But after this, Ruth "clave unto her," and the two were henceforward a pair of friends. Mr Farquhar was only included in the general gratitude which she felt towards all who had been kind to her boy.
As he truly was; and the proof of this was shown daily through many kind inquiries and thoughtful little gifts, in addition to Mr. Farquhar's. The poor (warm and kind-hearted towards all human suffering) felt pity for the young widow, whose only child was sick and close to death. They brought what they could—a fresh egg when eggs were scarce—a few ripe pears from the sunniest side of the humblest cottage, where the fruit was seen as a source of income—a visit to askhow she was doing, and a prayer that God would spare the child from an old, crippled woman who could barely make it to the Chapel-house but felt her worn and weary heart ache with a sharp pang of sympathy and a vivid memory of when she too was young and watched the life ebb out of her child, now an angel in a heaven that felt more like home to the desolate old woman than this empty earth. To all these people, when Leonard got better, Ruth went and thanked them sincerely. She and the old crippled woman sat hand in hand by the meager fire on the old woman's hearth, as Ruth narrated in solemn, broken, ordinary words how her child fell ill and died. Tears streamed down Ruth's cheeks like rain, but the old woman’s were dry. She had cried all her tears long ago, and now she sat patiently and quietly, waiting for death. After this, Ruth "clung to her," and from then on, they were a pair of friends. Mr. Farquhar was just one part of the general gratitude she felt towards everyone who had been kind to her boy.
The winter passed away in deep peace after the storms of the autumn, yet every now and then a feeling of insecurity made Ruth shake for an instant. Those wild autumnal storms had torn aside the quiet flowers and herbage that had gathered over the wreck of her early life, and shown her that all deeds, however hidden and long passed by, have their eternal consequences. She turned sick and faint whenever Mr Donne's name was casually mentioned. No one saw it; but she felt the miserable stop in her heart's beating, and wished that she could prevent it by any exercise of self-command. She had never named his identity with Mr Bellingham, nor had she spoken about the seaside interview. Deep shame made her silent and reserved on all her life before Leonard's birth; from that time she rose again in her self-respect, and spoke as openly as a child (when need was) of all occurrences which had taken place since then; except that she could not, and would not, tell of this mocking echo, this haunting phantom, this past, that would not rest in its grave. The very circumstance that it was stalking abroad in the world, and might reappear at any moment, made her a coward: she trembled away from contemplating what the reality had been; only she clung more faithfully than before to the thought of the great God, who was a rock in the dreary land, where no shadow was.
The winter passed quietly after the autumn storms, but every now and then, a sense of insecurity would make Ruth shudder for a moment. Those fierce autumn storms had stripped away the calm flowers and greenery that had covered the ruins of her early life, revealing to her that all actions, no matter how hidden and long gone, have lasting consequences. She felt sick and faint whenever Mr. Donne's name came up casually. No one noticed it, but she felt the terrible pause in her heartbeat and wished she could control it through sheer willpower. She had never connected his name with Mr. Bellingham, nor had she talked about their seaside meeting. Deep shame kept her silent and guarded about her life before Leonard was born; but after that, she regained her self-respect and spoke openly like a child (when necessary) about everything that had happened since, except she couldn’t and wouldn’t share this mocking echo, this haunting memory, this past that refused to rest. The very fact that it was out there in the world, ready to reappear at any moment, made her feel like a coward: she shied away from facing what the truth had been; yet she clung even more tightly to the thought of the great God, who was a refuge in the bleak land where there were no shadows.
Autumn and winter, with their lowering skies, were less dreary than the woeful, desolate feelings that shed a gloom on Jemima. She found too late that she had considered Mr Farquhar so securely her own for so long a time, that her heart refused to recognise him as lost to her, unless her reason went through the same weary, convincing, miserable evidence day after day, and hour after hour. He never spoke to her now, except from common civility. He never cared for her contradictions; he never tried, with patient perseverance, to bring her over to his opinions; he never used the wonted wiles (so tenderly remembered now they had no existence but in memory) to bring her round out of some wilful mood—and such moods were common enough now! Frequently she was sullenly indifferent to the feelings of others—not from any unkindness, but because her heart seemed numb and stony, and incapable of sympathy. Then afterwards her self-reproach was terrible—in the dead of night, when no one saw it. With a strange perversity, the only intelligence she cared to hear, the only sights she cared to see, were the circumstances which gave confirmation to the idea that Mr Farquhar was thinking of Ruth for a wife. She craved with stinging curiosity to hear something of their affairs every day; partly because the torture which such intelligence gave was almost a relief from the deadness of her heart to all other interests.
Autumn and winter, with their gray skies, felt less depressing than the deep, lonely feelings that weighed down Jemima. She realized too late that she had taken Mr. Farquhar for granted for so long that her heart refused to acknowledge that he was lost to her, unless she put herself through the same exhausting, convincing, miserable thoughts day after day, hour after hour. He only spoke to her now out of basic politeness. He didn’t care about her arguments; he never tried, with patient persistence, to convince her of his views; he no longer used the familiar tricks (which she now remembered fondly even though they no longer existed) to coax her out of her stubborn moods—and those moods were common enough now! Often, she was sulkily indifferent to the feelings of others—not out of unkindness, but because her heart felt numb and stone-like, unable to empathize. Then, afterward, her self-blame was overwhelming—in the dead of night, when no one could see it. With a strange stubbornness, the only news she wanted to hear, the only things she wanted to see, were the details that confirmed her belief that Mr. Farquhar was considering Ruth as a wife. She craved the painful updates about their lives every day; partly because the agony of such news was almost a relief from the emptiness in her heart regarding everything else.
And so spring (gioventu dell'anno) came back to her, bringing all the contrasts which spring alone can bring to add to the heaviness of the soul. The little winged creatures filled the air with bursts of joy; the vegetation came bright and hopefully onwards, without any check of nipping frost. The ash-trees in the Bradshaws' garden were out in leaf by the middle of May, which that year wore more the aspect of summer than most Junes do. The sunny weather mocked Jemima, and the unusual warmth oppressed her physical powers. She felt very weak and languid; she was acutely sensible that no one else noticed her want of strength; father, mother, all seemed too full of other things to care if, as she believed, her life was waning. She herself felt glad that it was so. But her delicacy was not unnoticed by all. Her mother often anxiously asked her husband if he did not think Jemima was looking ill; nor did his affirmation to the contrary satisfy her, as most of his affirmations did. She thought every morning, before she got up, how she could tempt Jemima to eat, by ordering some favourite dainty for dinner; in many other little ways she tried to minister to her child; but the poor girl's own abrupt irritability of temper had made her mother afraid of openly speaking to her about her health.
And so spring came back to her, bringing all the contrasts that only spring can bring to add to the heaviness of the soul. The little winged creatures filled the air with bursts of joy; the plants blossomed brightly and hopefully, without any threat of frost. The ash trees in the Bradshaws' garden were fully leafed out by mid-May, which that year felt more like summer than most Junes do. The sunny weather teased Jemima, and the unusual warmth drained her energy. She felt very weak and sluggish; she was acutely aware that no one else noticed her lack of strength; her father and mother seemed too distracted with their own concerns to care that, as she thought, her life was fading. She personally felt relieved that it was happening. But her frailty didn't go unnoticed by everyone. Her mother often anxiously asked her husband if he thought Jemima looked unwell; his contrary assurance didn’t satisfy her, as was usually the case. Every morning, before getting out of bed, she thought about how to tempt Jemima to eat by planning some favorite treat for dinner; in many little ways, she tried to care for her child; but the poor girl's sudden irritability had made her mother hesitant to talk to her openly about her health.
Ruth, too, saw that Jemima was not looking well. How she had become an object of dislike to her former friend she did not know; but she was sensible that Miss Bradshaw disliked her now. She was not aware that this feeling was growing and strengthening almost into repugnance, for she seldom saw Jemima out of school-hours, and then only for a minute or two. But the evil element of a fellow-creature's dislike oppressed the atmosphere of her life. That fellow-creature was one who had once loved her so fondly, and whom she still loved, although she had learnt to fear her, as we fear those whose faces cloud over when we come in sight—who cast unloving glances at us, of which we, though not seeing, are conscious, as of some occult influence; and the cause of whose dislike is unknown to us, though every word and action seems to increase it. I believe that this sort of dislike is only shown by the jealous, and that it renders the disliker even more miserable, because more continually conscious than the object; but the growing evidence of Jemima's feeling made Ruth very unhappy at times. This very May, too, an idea had come into her mind, which she had tried to repress—namely, that Mr Farquhar was in love with her. It annoyed her extremely; it made her reproach herself that she ever should think such a thing possible. She tried to strangle the notion, to drown it, to starve it out by neglect—its existence caused her such pain and distress.
Ruth also noticed that Jemima wasn't looking great. She didn't understand why she had become disliked by her former friend, but she could tell that Miss Bradshaw disliked her now. She wasn't aware that this feeling was growing stronger, almost turning into something like hatred, since she rarely saw Jemima outside of school and then only for a minute or two. But the negativity of someone else's dislike weighed heavily on her life. This person had once cared for her deeply, and she still loved her, even though she had learned to be afraid of her, like we are afraid of people whose expressions darken when we appear—who throw unkind looks our way that we may not see but definitely feel, as if under some strange spell; and the reason for their dislike remains a mystery to us, even though every word and action seems to fuel it. I believe this kind of dislike only comes from jealousy, and it makes the person who dislikes even more miserable, as they are more aware of it than the one they dislike; yet the growing signs of Jemima's feelings made Ruth quite unhappy at times. That very May, too, an idea had entered her mind that she tried to push away—that Mr. Farquhar was in love with her. This thought bothered her immensely; it made her feel guilty for even considering it possible. She tried to crush the idea, drown it out, starve it through neglect—its existence caused her so much pain and distress.
The worst was, he had won Leonard's heart, who was constantly seeking him out; or, when absent, talking about him. The best was some journey connected with business, which would take him to the Continent for several weeks; and, during that time, surely this disagreeable fancy of his would die away, if untrue; and if true, some way would be opened by which she might put a stop to all increase of predilection on his part, and yet retain him as a friend for Leonard—that darling for whom she was far-seeing and covetous, and miserly of every scrap of love and kindly regard.
The worst part was that he had captured Leonard's heart, who was always looking for him; or, when he wasn't around, talking about him. The best news was that there was a business trip planned which would take him to the Continent for several weeks. During that time, surely this annoying infatuation of his would fade away if it weren't real; and if it was real, some way would emerge for her to stop any further crush he might have while still keeping him as a friend for Leonard—that dear one for whom she was cautious and jealous, hoarding every bit of love and care.
Mr Farquhar would not have been flattered if he had known how much his departure contributed to Ruth's rest of mind on the Saturday afternoon on which he set out on his journey. It was a beautiful day; the sky of that intense quivering blue which seemed as though you could look through it for ever, yet not reach the black, infinite space which is suggested as lying beyond. Now and then a thin, torn, vaporous cloud floated slowly within the vaulted depth; but the soft air that gently wafted it was not perceptible among the leaves on the trees, which did not even tremble. Ruth sat at her work in the shadow formed by the old grey garden wall; Miss Benson and Sally—the one in the parlour window-seat mending stockings, the other hard at work in her kitchen—were both within talking distance, for it was weather for open doors and windows; but none of the three kept up any continued conversation; and in the intervals Ruth sang low a brooding song, such as she remembered her mother singing long ago. Now and then she stopped to look at Leonard, who was labouring away with vehement energy at digging over a small plot of ground, where he meant to prick out some celery plants that had been given to him. Ruth's heart warmed at the earnest, spirited way in which he thrust his large spade deep down into the brown soil, his ruddy face glowing, his curly hair wet with the exertion; and yet she sighed to think that the days were over when her deeds of skill could give him pleasure. Now, his delight was in acting himself; last year, not fourteen months ago, he had watched her making a daisy-chain for him, as if he could not admire her cleverness enough; this year—this week, when she had been devoting every spare hour to the simple tailoring which she performed for her boy (she had always made every article he wore, and felt almost jealous of the employment), he had come to her with a wistful look, and asked when he might begin to have clothes made by a man?
Mr. Farquhar wouldn't have felt flattered if he had known how much his leaving affected Ruth's peace of mind on the Saturday afternoon he started his journey. It was a beautiful day; the sky was an intense, shimmering blue that seemed to go on forever, yet you couldn't reach the endless black space that lay beyond. Occasionally, a thin, wispy cloud drifted slowly through the vastness; but the soft air that carried it was imperceptible among the leaves on the trees, which didn't even quiver. Ruth sat working in the shade of the old gray garden wall; Miss Benson and Sally were close enough to talk, with one in the parlor window seat mending stockings and the other busy in the kitchen; it was perfect weather for open doors and windows. However, none of the three engaged in any extended conversation, and during the quiet moments, Ruth sang softly a haunting song she remembered her mother singing long ago. Now and then, she paused to watch Leonard, who was energetically digging up a small plot of land where he planned to plant some celery that had been given to him. Ruth felt her heart warm at the dedicated, spirited way he plunged his large spade deep into the brown earth, his ruddy face glowing and his curly hair damp from the effort; yet she sighed at the thought that those days were gone when her skills could bring him joy. Now, his happiness came from doing things himself; just last year, not even fourteen months ago, he had watched her make a daisy chain for him, admiring her cleverness. This year—just this week, when she had been spending every spare moment on the simple sewing for her boy (she had always made every piece of clothing he wore and felt almost possessive of that task)—he approached her with a longing look and asked when he could start having clothes made by a man.
Ever since the Wednesday when she had accompanied Mary and Elizabeth, at Mrs Bradshaw's desire, to be measured for spring clothes by the new Eccleston dressmaker, she had been looking forward to this Saturday afternoon's pleasure of making summer trousers for Leonard; but the satisfaction of the employment was a little taken away by Leonard's speech. It was a sign, however, that her life was very quiet and peaceful, that she had leisure to think upon the thing at all; and often she forgot it entirely in her low, chanting song, or in listening to the thrush warbling out his afternoon ditty to his patient mate in the holly-bush below.
Ever since that Wednesday when she had gone with Mary and Elizabeth, at Mrs. Bradshaw's request, to get fitted for spring clothes by the new Eccleston dressmaker, she had been looking forward to the pleasure of making summer trousers for Leonard that Saturday afternoon. However, Leonard's comments slightly diminished her enjoyment of the task. Still, it showed how quiet and peaceful her life was that she even had the time to think about it; often, she completely forgot it while singing her soft, melodic tune or listening to the thrush singing its afternoon song to its patient mate in the holly bush below.
The distant rumble of carts through the busy streets (it was market-day) not only formed a low rolling bass to the nearer and pleasanter sounds, but enhanced the sense of peace by the suggestion of the contrast afforded to the repose of the garden by the bustle not far off.
The distant sound of carts rolling through the busy streets (it was market day) not only created a low background noise to the closer and more pleasant sounds, but also enhanced the feeling of peace by contrasting it with the lively activity nearby.
But besides physical din and bustle, there is mental strife and turmoil.
But in addition to the noise and chaos, there's mental conflict and distress.
That afternoon, as Jemima was restlessly wandering about the house, her mother desired her to go on an errand to Mrs Pearson's, the new dressmaker, in order to give some directions about her sisters' new frocks. Jemima went, rather than have the trouble of resisting; or else she would have preferred staying at home, moving or being outwardly quiet according to her own fitful will. Mrs Bradshaw, who, as I have said, had been aware for some time that something was wrong with her daughter, and was very anxious to set it to rights if she only knew how, had rather planned this errand with a view to dispel Jemima's melancholy.
That afternoon, as Jemima was restlessly wandering around the house, her mom asked her to run an errand to Mrs. Pearson's, the new dressmaker, to give some instructions about her sisters' new dresses. Jemima went, rather than deal with the hassle of saying no; otherwise, she would have preferred to stay home, either moving about or being quietly still according to her changing moods. Mrs. Bradshaw, who had noticed for a while that something was off with her daughter and was very eager to fix it if only she knew how, had kind of planned this errand to help lift Jemima's spirits.
"And, Mimie, dear," said her mother, "when you are there, look out for a new bonnet for yourself; she has got some very pretty ones, and your old one is so shabby."
"And, Mimie, dear," said her mother, "when you’re there, keep an eye out for a new hat for yourself; she has some really nice ones, and your old one is so worn out."
"It does for me, mother," said Jemima, heavily. "I don't want a new bonnet."
"It works for me, mom," Jemima said with a sigh. "I don't want a new hat."
"But I want you to have one, my lassie. I want my girl to look well and nice."
"But I want you to have one, my girl. I want my daughter to look good and nice."
There was something of homely tenderness in Mrs Bradshaw's tone that touched Jemima's heart. She went to her mother, and kissed her with more of affection than she had shown to any one for weeks before; and the kiss was returned with warm fondness.
There was a sense of gentle warmth in Mrs. Bradshaw's voice that moved Jemima. She went over to her mother and kissed her with more affection than she had shown anyone in weeks; the kiss was met with heartfelt warmth in return.
"I think you love me, mother," said Jemima.
"I think you love me, Mom," said Jemima.
"We all love you, dear, if you would but think so. And if you want anything, or wish for anything, only tell me, and with a little patience I can get your father to give it you, I know. Only be happy, there's a good girl."
"We all love you, dear, if you could just believe it. And if you need anything or want something, just let me know, and with a bit of patience, I can get your dad to give it to you, I’m sure. Just be happy, okay?"
"Be happy! as if one could by an effort of will!" thought Jemima, as she went along the street, too absorbed in herself to notice the bows of acquaintances and friends, but instinctively guiding herself right among the throng and press of carts, and gigs, and market people in High Street.
"Be happy! Like it's something you can just decide to be!" thought Jemima as she walked down the street, too wrapped up in her own thoughts to acknowledge the greetings of acquaintances and friends, yet instinctively steering her way through the crowd of carts, carriages, and market vendors in High Street.
But her mother's tones and looks, with their comforting power, remained longer in her recollection than the inconsistency of any words spoken. When she had completed her errand about the frocks, she asked to look at some bonnets, in order to show her recognition of her mother's kind thought.
But her mother's voice and expressions, with their soothing effect, stuck with her longer than any mixed messages in the words spoken. After she finished her task regarding the dresses, she asked to see some hats to acknowledge her mother's thoughtful gesture.
Mrs Pearson was a smart, clever-looking woman of five or six and thirty. She had all the variety of small-talk at her finger-ends that was formerly needed by barbers to amuse the people who came to be shaved. She had admired the town till Jemima was weary of its praises, sick and oppressed by its sameness, as she had been these many weeks.
Mrs. Pearson was a smart, attractive woman in her mid-thirties. She had a whole range of small talk ready to go, much like what barbers used to use to entertain people while they got shaved. She had praised the town so much that Jemima was tired of hearing it, feeling exhausted and weighed down by its dullness, just as she had felt for weeks.
"Here are some bonnets, ma'am, that will be just the thing for you—elegant and tasty, yet quite of the simple style, suitable to young ladies. Oblige me by trying on this white silk!"
"Here are some bonnets, ma'am, that will be perfect for you—elegant and stylish, yet quite simple, suitable for young ladies. Please try on this white silk one!"
Jemima looked at herself in the glass; she was obliged to own it was very becoming, and perhaps not the less so for the flush of modest shame which came into her cheeks as she heard Mrs Pearson's open praises of the "rich, beautiful hair," and the "Oriental eyes" of the wearer.
Jemima looked at herself in the mirror; she had to admit it was really flattering, and maybe even more so because of the warm blush of modest embarrassment that crept into her cheeks as she heard Mrs. Pearson openly praising the "rich, beautiful hair" and the "exotic eyes" of the wearer.
"I induced the young lady who accompanied your sisters the other day—the governess, is she, ma'am?"
"I persuaded the young lady who was with your sisters the other day—is she your governess, ma'am?"
"Yes—Mrs Denbigh is her name," said Jemima, clouding over.
"Yeah—Mrs. Denbigh is her name," Jemima said, looking upset.
"Thank you, ma'am. Well, I persuaded Mrs Denbigh to try on that bonnet, and you can't think how charming she looked in it; and yet I don't think it became her as much as it does you."
"Thank you, ma'am. I managed to convince Mrs. Denbigh to try on that bonnet, and you wouldn't believe how lovely she looked in it; but I still don’t think it suited her as much as it does you."
"Mrs Denbigh is very beautiful," said Jemima, taking off the bonnet, and not much inclined to try on any other.
"Mrs. Denbigh is really beautiful," said Jemima, taking off the bonnet and not really wanting to try on any others.
"Very, ma'am. Quite a peculiar style of beauty. If I might be allowed, I should say that hers was a Grecian style of loveliness, while yours was Oriental. She reminded me of a young person I once knew in Fordham." Mrs Pearson sighed an audible sigh.
"Absolutely, ma'am. It's a rather unique style of beauty. If I may say, hers had a Grecian elegance, while yours has an Eastern charm. She reminded me of someone I once knew in Fordham." Mrs. Pearson let out a noticeable sigh.
"In Fordham!" said Jemima, remembering that Ruth had once spoken of the place as one in which she had spent some time, while the county in which it was situated was the same in which Ruth was born. "In Fordham! Why, I think Mrs Denbigh comes from that neighbourhood."
"In Fordham!" said Jemima, recalling that Ruth had mentioned it as a place where she had spent some time, and that it was the same county where Ruth was born. "In Fordham! I believe Mrs. Denbigh is from that area."
"Oh, ma'am! she cannot be the young person I mean—I am sure, ma'am—holding the position she does in your establishment. I should hardly say I knew her myself; for I only saw her two or three times at my sister's house; but she was so remarked for her beauty, that I remember her face quite well—the more so, on account of her vicious conduct afterwards."
"Oh, ma'am! She can't be the young woman I'm talking about—I’m sure of it, ma'am—given her role in your establishment. I can barely say I know her myself; I've only seen her two or three times at my sister's house. But she was so noted for her beauty that I remember her face quite well—even more so because of her questionable behavior afterwards."
"Her vicious conduct!" repeated Jemima, convinced by these words that there could be no identity between Ruth and the "young person" alluded to. "Then it could not have been our Mrs Denbigh."
"Her terrible behavior!" Jemima repeated, now sure from these words that there was no way Ruth could be the "young person" being talked about. "So it couldn't have been our Mrs. Denbigh."
"Oh, no, ma'am! I am sure I should be sorry to be understood to have suggested anything of the kind. I beg your pardon if I did so. All I meant to say—and perhaps that was a liberty I ought not to have taken, considering what Ruth Hilton was—"
"Oh, no, ma'am! I'm really sorry if it seemed like I suggested anything like that. I apologize if I gave that impression. All I meant to say—and maybe I overstepped a bit, thinking about who Ruth Hilton was—
"Ruth Hilton!" said Jemima, turning suddenly round, and facing Mrs Pearson.
"Ruth Hilton!" Jemima said, suddenly turning around to face Mrs. Pearson.
"Yes, ma'am, that was the name of the young person I allude to."
"Yes, ma'am, that was the name of the young person I'm referring to."
"Tell me about her—what did she do?" asked Jemima, subduing her eagerness of tone and look as best she might, but trembling as on the verge of some strange discovery.
"Tell me about her—what did she do?" Jemima asked, trying to hide her excitement in her voice and expression, but trembling as if she was about to uncover some strange secret.
"I don't know whether I ought to tell you, ma'am—it is hardly a fit story for a young lady; but this Ruth Hilton was an apprentice to my sister-in-law, who had a first-rate business in Fordham, which brought her a good deal of patronage from the county families; and this young creature was very artful and bold, and thought sadly too much of her beauty; and, somehow, she beguiled a young gentleman, who took her into keeping (I am sure, ma'am, I ought to apologise for polluting your ears—)"
"I don't know if I should tell you, ma'am—it’s not really a suitable story for a young lady; but this Ruth Hilton was an apprentice to my sister-in-law, who had a great business in Fordham, attracting a lot of customers from the county families; and this young woman was quite cunning and daring, and sadly thought way too much of her looks; and, somehow, she charmed a young man, who ended up taking her in as his mistress (I really must apologize for speaking so frankly, ma'am—)"
"Go on," said Jemima, breathlessly.
"Go ahead," said Jemima, breathlessly.
"I don't know much more. His mother followed him into Wales. She was a lady of a great deal of religion, and of a very old family, and was much shocked at her son's misfortune in being captivated by such a person; but she led him to repentance, and took him to Paris, where, I think, she died; but I am not sure, for, owing to family differences, I have not been on terms for some years with my sister-in-law, who was my informant."
"I don't know much more. His mother went with him to Wales. She was a very religious woman from an old family and was quite shocked that her son fell for someone like that; however, she guided him to make amends and took him to Paris, where, I believe, she passed away; but I'm not certain, as I've been out of touch for several years with my sister-in-law, who was the one who told me."
"Who died?" interrupted Jemima—"the young man's mother, or—or Ruth Hilton?"
"Who died?" interrupted Jemima. "Was it the young man's mother, or—or Ruth Hilton?"
"Oh dear, ma'am! pray don't confuse the two. It was the mother, Mrs— I forget the name—something like Billington. It was the lady who died."
"Oh no, ma'am! Please don't mix them up. It was the mother, Mrs— I can't remember the name—something like Billington. It was the woman who passed away."
"And what became of the other?" asked Jemima, unable, as her dark suspicion seemed thickening, to speak the name.
"And what happened to the other?" asked Jemima, unable to say the name as her dark suspicion seemed to grow stronger.
"The girl? Why, ma'am, what could become of her? Not that I know exactly—only one knows they can but go from bad to worse, poor creatures! God forgive me, if I am speaking too transiently of such degraded women, who, after all, are a disgrace to our sex."
"The girl? Well, ma'am, what do you think will happen to her? I don’t know for sure—only that it seems they can only end up in a worse situation, those poor souls! God forgive me if I'm speaking too casually about these suffering women, who, after all, reflect poorly on all of us."
"Then you know nothing more about her?" asked Jemima.
"Then you don't know anything else about her?" asked Jemima.
"I did hear that she had gone off with another gentleman that she met with in Wales, but I'm sure I can't tell who told me."
"I heard she ran off with another guy she met in Wales, but I really can’t say who told me."
There was a little pause. Jemima was pondering on all she had heard. Suddenly she felt that Mrs Pearson's eyes were upon her, watching her; not with curiosity, but with a newly-awakened intelligence;—and yet she must ask one more question; but she tried to ask it in an indifferent, careless tone, handling the bonnet while she spoke.
There was a brief pause. Jemima was thinking about everything she had heard. Suddenly, she felt Mrs. Pearson's eyes on her, observing her; not out of curiosity, but with a fresh understanding;—still, she had to ask one more question; so she tried to sound casual and uninterested, fiddling with her bonnet as she spoke.
"How long is it since all this—all you have been telling me about—happened?" (Leonard was eight years old.)
"How long ago did all this—everything you've been telling me—happen?" (Leonard was eight years old.)
"Why—let me see. It was before I was married, and I was married three years, and poor dear Pearson has been deceased five—I should say going on for nine years this summer. Blush roses would become your complexion, perhaps, better than these lilacs," said she, as with superficial observation she watched Jemima turning the bonnet round and round on her hand—the bonnet that her dizzy eyes did not see.
"Why—let me think. It was before I got married, and I've been married for three years, and poor dear Pearson has been gone for five—I guess it's almost nine years this summer. Blush roses might suit your complexion better than these lilacs," she said, glancing at Jemima as she twisted the bonnet around in her hands—the bonnet that her dazed eyes didn't actually see.
"Thank you. It is very pretty. But I don't want a bonnet. I beg your pardon for taking up your time." And with an abrupt bow to the discomfited Mrs Pearson, she was out and away in the open air, threading her way with instinctive energy along the crowded street. Suddenly she turned round, and went back to Mrs Pearson's with even more rapidity than she had been walking away from the house.
"Thank you. It's very pretty. But I don't want a bonnet. I'm sorry for taking up your time." With a quick bow to the flustered Mrs. Pearson, she was out the door and into the open air, moving with natural energy through the busy street. Suddenly, she turned around and headed back to Mrs. Pearson's even faster than she had walked away from the house.
"I have changed my mind," said she, as she came, breathless, up into the show-room. "I will take the bonnet. How much is it?"
"I've changed my mind," she said, breathless, as she entered the showroom. "I'll take the hat. How much is it?"
"Allow me to change the flowers; it can be done in an instant, and then you can see if you would not prefer the roses; but with either foliage it is a lovely little bonnet," said Mrs Pearson, holding it up admiringly on her hand.
"Let me swap out the flowers; I can do it in a flash, and then you can see if you’d rather have the roses. But with either option, it’s a cute little hat," Mrs. Pearson said, holding it up proudly in her hand.
"Oh! never mind the flowers—yes! change them to roses." And she stood by, agitated (Mrs Pearson thought with impatience), all the time the milliner was making the alteration with skilful, busy haste.
"Oh! forget the flowers—yes! switch them to roses." And she stood there, anxious (Mrs. Pearson thought with irritation), while the milliner quickly made the change with skilled, hurried hands.
"By the way," said Jemima, when she saw the last touches were being given, and that she must not delay executing the purpose which was the real cause of her return—"Papa, I am sure, would not like your connecting Mrs Denbigh's name with such a—story as you have been telling me."
"By the way," said Jemima, when she noticed the final touches were being made and realized she couldn't delay the reason for her return—"Dad, I'm sure, wouldn't appreciate you linking Mrs. Denbigh's name with such a—story as you’ve been telling me."
"Oh dear! ma'am, I have too much respect for you all to think of doing such a thing! Of course I know, ma'am, that it is not to be cast up to any lady that she is like anybody disreputable."
"Oh dear! Ma'am, I have too much respect for all of you to even think about doing something like that! Of course, I know, ma'am, that it shouldn't be held against any lady that she resembles someone disreputable."
"But I would rather you did not name the likeness to any one," said Jemima; "not to any one. Don't tell any one the story you have told me this morning."
"But I'd prefer if you didn’t mention the resemblance to anyone," said Jemima; "not to anyone. Don’t share the story you told me this morning with anyone."
"Indeed, ma'am, I should never think of such a thing! My poor husband could have borne witness that I am as close as the grave where there is anything to conceal."
"Of course, ma'am, I would never consider such a thing! My poor husband could attest that I am as silent as the grave when it comes to keeping secrets."
"Oh dear!" said Jemima, "Mrs Pearson, there is nothing to conceal; only you must not speak about it."
"Oh no!" said Jemima, "Mrs. Pearson, there's nothing to hide; just please don't talk about it."
"I certainly shall not do it, ma'am; you may rest assured of me."
"I definitely won't do it, ma'am; you can count on me."
This time Jemima did not go towards home, but in the direction of the outskirts of the town, on the hilly side. She had some dim recollection of hearing her sisters ask if they might not go and invite Leonard and his mother to tea; and how could she face Ruth, after the conviction had taken possession of her heart that she, and the sinful creature she had just heard of, were one and the same?
This time, Jemima didn’t head home but instead went toward the outskirts of town, up the hill. She vaguely remembered her sisters asking if they could go invite Leonard and his mom for tea; how could she face Ruth after realizing that she and the sinful person she had just heard about were the same?
It was yet only the middle of the afternoon; the hours were early in the old-fashioned town of Eccleston. Soft white clouds had come slowly sailing up out of the west; the plain was flecked with thin floating shadows, gently borne along by the westerly wind that was waving the long grass in the hay-fields into alternate light and shade. Jemima went into one of these fields, lying by the side of the upland road. She was stunned by the shock she had received. The diver, leaving the green sward, smooth and known, where his friends stand with their familiar smiling faces, admiring his glad bravery—the diver, down in an instant in the horrid depths of the sea, close to some strange, ghastly, lidless-eyed monster, can hardly more feel his blood curdle at the near terror than did Jemima now. Two hours ago—but a point of time on her mind's dial—she had never imagined that she should ever come in contact with any one who had committed open sin; she had never shaped her conviction into words and sentences, but still it was there, that all the respectable, all the family and religious circumstances of her life, would hedge her in, and guard her from ever encountering the great shock of coming face to face with vice. Without being pharisaical in her estimation of herself, she had all a Pharisee's dread of publicans and sinners, and all a child's cowardliness—that cowardliness which prompts it to shut its eyes against the object of terror, rather than acknowledge its existence with brave faith. Her father's often reiterated speeches had not been without their effect. He drew a clear line of partition, which separated mankind into two great groups, to one of which, by the grace of God, he and his belonged; while the other was composed of those whom it was his duty to try and reform, and bring the whole force of his morality to bear upon, with lectures, admonitions, and exhortations—a duty to be performed, because it was a duty—but with very little of that Hope and Faith which is the Spirit that maketh alive. Jemima had rebelled against these hard doctrines of her father's, but their frequent repetition had had its effect, and led her to look upon those who had gone astray with shrinking, shuddering recoil, instead of with a pity so Christ-like as to have both wisdom and tenderness in it.
It was still just the middle of the afternoon; time moved slowly in the old-fashioned town of Eccleston. Soft white clouds drifted in from the west; the plain was scattered with small, floating shadows, gently pushed along by the westerly wind that danced through the tall grass in the hayfields, creating shifting patterns of light and shade. Jemima stepped into one of these fields, lying beside the upland road. She was overwhelmed by the shock she had experienced. The diver, leaving the familiar green ground where his friends stood with their familiar, smiling faces, admiring his brave spirit—suddenly plunging into the terrifying depths of the sea, close to some strange, horrifying, lidless-eyed monster—could hardly feel more fear than Jemima did at that moment. Just two hours ago—merely a moment in her mind—she had never thought she would encounter anyone who had openly sinned; she had never put her beliefs into clear words, but they were still there, in the understanding that all the respectable, family, and religious aspects of her life would protect her from ever facing the shock of confronting vice directly. Without being self-righteous, she carried a Pharisee’s fear of outcasts and sinners, alongside a child’s cowardice—an instinct that makes a child close its eyes to the source of fear rather than bravely acknowledge its presence. Her father’s frequent speeches had left an impression. He drew a clear line that divided people into two major groups: on one side were those he and his family belonged to, by the grace of God; on the other side were those he believed it was his duty to try to reform, directing all his moral efforts towards them with lectures, warnings, and encouragement—something he felt he must do because it was his duty, but with very little of the Hope and Faith that brings life. Jemima had pushed back against her father’s harsh beliefs, but their constant repetition had influenced her, making her view those who had strayed with fear and revulsion, rather than with a compassionate pity that held both wisdom and kindness.
And now she saw among her own familiar associates one, almost her housefellow, who had been stained with that evil most repugnant to her womanly modesty, that would fain have ignored its existence altogether. She loathed the thought of meeting Ruth again. She wished that she could take her up, and put her down at a distance somewhere—anywhere—where she might never see or hear of her more; never be reminded, as she must be whenever she saw her, that such things were in this sunny, bright, lark-singing earth, over which the blue dome of heaven bent softly down as Jemima sat in the hayfield that June afternoon; her cheeks flushed and red, but her lips pale and compressed, and her eyes full of a heavy, angry sorrow. It was Saturday, and the people in that part of the country left their work an hour earlier on that day. By this, Jemima knew it must be growing time for her to be at home. She had had so much of conflict in her own mind of late, that she had grown to dislike struggle, or speech, or explanation; and so strove to conform to times and hours much more than she had done in happier days. But oh! how full of hate her heart was growing against the world! And oh! how she sickened at the thought of seeing Ruth! Who was to be trusted more, if Ruth—calm, modest, delicate, dignified Ruth—had a memory blackened by sin?
And now she saw among her familiar friends one person, almost like a housemate, who had been tainted by that evil she found most repulsive to her femininity, a reality she wished could be ignored entirely. She hated the idea of meeting Ruth again. She wished she could just take her away and drop her off somewhere—anywhere—so she would never have to see or hear about her again; never be reminded, as she would be every time she laid eyes on her, that such things existed in this sunny, bright, music-filled world, beneath the blue sky as Jemima sat in the hayfield that June afternoon; her cheeks flushed and red, but her lips pale and pressed together, and her eyes brimming with deep, angry sorrow. It was Saturday, and people in that area usually finished work an hour earlier that day. From this, Jemima knew it must be getting close to the time for her to go home. She had been in so much internal conflict lately that she had started to dislike struggle, conversation, or explanations; and so she tried to stick to schedules much more than she had during happier times. But oh! how full of hatred her heart was becoming towards the world! And oh! how she dreaded the thought of seeing Ruth! Who could be trusted more, if Ruth—calm, modest, delicate, dignified Ruth—had a memory tainted by sin?
As she went heavily along, the thought of Mr Farquhar came into her mind. It showed how terrible had been the stun, that he had been forgotten until now. With the thought of him came in her first merciful feeling towards Ruth. This would never have been, had there been the least latent suspicion in Jemima's jealous mind that Ruth had purposely done aught—looked a look—uttered a word—modulated a tone—for the sake of attracting. As Jemima recalled all the passages of their intercourse, she slowly confessed to herself how pure and simple had been all Ruth's ways in relation to Mr Farquhar. It was not merely that there had been no coquetting, but there had been simple unconsciousness on Ruth's part, for so long a time after Jemima had discovered Mr Farquhar's inclination for her; and when at length she had slowly awakened to some perception of the state of his feelings, there had been a modest, shrinking dignity of manner, not startled, or emotional, or even timid, but pure, grave, and quiet; and this conduct of Ruth's, Jemima instinctively acknowledged to be of necessity transparent and sincere. Now, and here, there was no hypocrisy; but some time, somewhere, on the part of somebody, what hypocrisy, what lies must have been acted, if not absolutely spoken, before Ruth could have been received by them all as the sweet, gentle, girlish widow, which she remembered they had all believed Mrs Denbigh to be when first she came among them! Could Mr and Miss Benson know? Could they be a party to the deceit? Not sufficiently acquainted with the world to understand how strong had been the temptation to play the part they did, if they wished to give Ruth a chance, Jemima could not believe them guilty of such deceit as the knowledge of Mrs Denbigh's previous conduct would imply; and yet how it darkened the latter into a treacherous hypocrite, with a black secret shut up in her soul for years—living in apparent confidence, and daily household familiarity with the Bensons for years, yet never telling the remorse that ought to be corroding her heart! Who was true? Who was not? Who was good and pure? Who was not? The very foundations of Jemima's belief in her mind were shaken.
As she trudged along, the thought of Mr. Farquhar popped into her head. It was shocking that she had forgotten him until now. With that thought came her first compassionate feeling toward Ruth. This would never have happened if there had been any lingering suspicion in Jemima's jealous mind that Ruth had intentionally done anything—shot a glance—said a word—altered her tone—to attract attention. As Jemima reflected on all their interactions, she gradually admitted to herself how honest and straightforward Ruth had been with Mr. Farquhar. It wasn't just that there had been no flirting; there was also simple unawareness on Ruth's part, for a long time after Jemima had noticed Mr. Farquhar's interest in her. And when she finally began to understand his feelings, she displayed a modest, reserved dignity—never startled, emotional, or even timid, but pure, serious, and calm; and Jemima instinctively recognized that Ruth's behavior was genuinely sincere. In this moment, there was no dishonesty; but at some point, somewhere, someone must have acted with some falsehood, if not spoken lies, for Ruth to have been accepted by them all as the sweet, gentle widow they all claimed Mrs. Denbigh was when she first arrived! Could Mr. and Miss Benson know? Could they be part of the deception? Not being well-versed in how the world works, Jemima couldn’t believe they were capable of such deceit as knowing about Mrs. Denbigh's past behavior would imply; yet it did cast her in a dangerous light of being a hypocrite, hiding a dark secret in her soul for years—living in apparent trust and daily familiarity with the Bensons for years while never admitting to the guilt that should have been eating away at her heart! Who was honest? Who was not? Who was good and innocent? Who was not? The very foundations of Jemima’s beliefs began to tremble.
Could it be false? Could there be two Ruth Hiltons? She went over every morsel of evidence. It could not be. She knew that Mrs Denbigh's former name had been Hilton. She had heard her speak casually, but charily, of having lived in Fordham. She knew she had been in Wales but a short time before she made her appearance in Eccleston. There was no doubt of the identity. Into the middle of Jemima's pain and horror at the afternoon's discovery, there came a sense of the power which the knowledge of this secret gave her over Ruth; but this was no relief, only an aggravation of the regret with which Jemima looked back on her state of ignorance. It was no wonder that when she arrived at home, she was so oppressed with headache that she had to go to bed directly.
Could it be false? Could there be two Ruth Hiltons? She went over every bit of evidence. It couldn't be. She knew that Mrs. Denbigh's last name had been Hilton. She had heard her talk casually, but with caution, about living in Fordham. She knew she had only been in Wales for a short time before she showed up in Eccleston. There was no doubt about the identity. In the middle of Jemima's pain and horror at the afternoon's discovery, she felt the power that this secret gave her over Ruth; but this didn't bring relief, just an increase in the regret Jemima felt looking back on her ignorance. It was no surprise that when she got home, she was so overwhelmed with a headache that she had to go to bed right away.
"Quiet, mother! quiet, dear, dear mother" (for she clung to the known and tried goodness of her mother more than ever now), "that is all I want." And she was left to the stillness of her darkened room, the blinds idly flapping to and fro in the soft evening breeze, and letting in the rustling sound of the branches which waved close to her window, and the thrush's gurgling warble, and the distant hum of the busy town.
"Shh, mom! Shh, sweet mom" (because she held on to the familiarity and kindness of her mom more than ever now), "that’s all I need." And she was left in the quiet of her dim room, the blinds lazily fluttering back and forth in the soft evening breeze, allowing the rustling of the branches that brushed against her window, the thrush's melodic song, and the distant buzz of the bustling town to come in.
Her jealousy was gone—she knew not how or where. She might shun and recoil from Ruth, but she now thought that she could never more be jealous of her. In her pride of innocence, she felt almost ashamed that such a feeling could have had existence. Could Mr Farquhar hesitate between her own self and one who— No! she could not name what Ruth had been, even in thought. And yet he might never know, so fair a seeming did her rival wear. Oh! for one ray of God's holy light to know what was seeming, and what was truth, in this traitorous hollow earth! It might be—she used to think such things possible, before sorrow had embittered her—that Ruth had worked her way through the deep purgatory of repentance up to something like purity again; God only knew! If her present goodness was real—if, after having striven back thus far on the heights, a fellow-woman was to throw her down into some terrible depth with her unkind, incontinent tongue, that would be too cruel! And yet, if—there was such woeful uncertainty and deceit somewhere—if Ruth— No! that Jemima, with noble candour, admitted was impossible. Whatever Ruth had been, she was good, and to be respected as such, now. It did not follow that Jemima was to preserve the secret always; she doubted her own power to do so, if Mr Farquhar came home again, and were still constant in his admiration of Mrs Denbigh, and if Mrs Denbigh gave him any—the least encouragement. But this last she thought, from what she knew of Ruth's character, was impossible. Only, what was impossible after this afternoon's discovery? At any rate, she would watch and wait. Come what might, Ruth was in her power. And, strange to say, this last certainty gave Jemima a kind of protecting, almost pitying, feeling for Ruth. Her horror at the wrong was not diminished; but the more she thought of the struggles that the wrong-doer must have made to extricate herself, the more she felt how cruel it would be to baffle all by revealing what had been. But for her sisters' sake she had a duty to perform; she must watch Ruth. For her love's sake she could not have helped watching; but she was too much stunned to recognise the force of her love, while duty seemed the only stable thing to cling to. For the present she would neither meddle nor mar in Ruth's course of life.
Her jealousy was gone—she didn’t know how or why. She might avoid and shrink away from Ruth, but she now believed she could never be jealous of her again. In her pride of innocence, she felt almost ashamed that she could have ever felt that way. Could Mr. Farquhar really choose between her and someone who—No! She couldn’t even think about who Ruth had been. And yet he might never know; her rival appeared so perfect. Oh! If only there were a ray of God’s holy light to reveal what was real and what was just an illusion in this treacherous world! It might be possible—she used to think such things could happen, before pain had hardened her—that Ruth had worked her way through the deep purgatory of regret and reached something close to purity again; only God knew! If her current goodness was genuine—if, after struggling back this far up, a fellow woman threw her down into some awful place with her unkind, reckless words, that would be too cruel! And yet, if—there was such dreadful uncertainty and deceit somewhere—if Ruth—No! That Jemima, with her honest clarity, admitted was impossible. Whatever Ruth had been, she was good now and deserved respect for that. It didn’t mean Jemima had to keep the secret forever; she doubted her own ability to do so if Mr. Farquhar came home again and remained charmed by Mrs. Denbigh, and if Mrs. Denbigh gave him even the slightest encouragement. But this last thought, judging from what she knew of Ruth's character, seemed impossible. Still, what was impossible after this afternoon's revelation? At any rate, she would watch and wait. Whatever happened, Ruth was in her power. Strangely enough, this certainty made Jemima feel a kind of protective, almost pitying, sentiment for Ruth. Her horror at the wrong hadn’t faded; but the more she contemplated the struggles that the wrongdoer must have faced to free herself, the more she sensed how cruel it would be to undermine everything by revealing the past. But for her sisters' sake, she had a responsibility to fulfill; she had to keep an eye on Ruth. For the sake of her own love, she couldn’t help but watch; but she felt too stunned to acknowledge the strength of her feelings, while duty seemed the only solid thing to hold onto. For now, she wouldn’t interfere or ruin Ruth's life.
CHAPTER XXVI
Mr Bradshaw's Virtuous Indignation
So it was that Jemima no longer avoided Ruth, nor manifested by word or look the dislike which for a long time she had been scarce concealing. Ruth could not help noticing that Jemima always sought to be in her presence while she was at Mr Bradshaw's house; either when daily teaching Mary and Elizabeth, or when she came as an occasional visitor with Mr and Miss Benson, or by herself. Up to this time Jemima had used no gentle skill to conceal the abruptness with which she would leave the room rather than that Ruth and she should be brought into contact—rather than that it should fall to her lot to entertain Ruth during any part of the evening. It was months since Jemima had left off sitting in the schoolroom, as had been her wont during the first few years of Ruth's governess-ship. Now, each morning Miss Bradshaw seated herself at a little round table in the window, at her work, or at her writing; but whether she sewed, or wrote, or read, Ruth felt that she was always watching—watching. At first Ruth had welcomed all these changes in habit and behaviour, as giving her a chance, she thought, by some patient waiting or some opportune show of enduring, constant love, to regain her lost friend's regard; but by-and-by the icy chillness, immovable and grey, struck more to her heart than many sudden words of unkindness could have done. They might be attributed to the hot impulses of a hasty temper—to the vehement anger of an accuser; but this measured manner was the conscious result of some deep-seated feeling; this cold sternness befitted the calm implacability of some severe judge. The watching, which Ruth felt was ever upon her, made her unconsciously shiver, as you would if you saw that the passionless eyes of the dead were visibly gazing upon you. Her very being shrivelled and parched up in Jemima's presence, as if blown upon by a bitter, keen, east wind.
So it happened that Jemima no longer avoided Ruth or showed her dislike through words or looks, which she had been trying to hide for a long time. Ruth couldn't help but notice that Jemima always tried to be near her when they were at Mr. Bradshaw's house—whether she was teaching Mary and Elizabeth, visiting with Mr. and Miss Benson, or there on her own. Until now, Jemima had made no effort to hide how abruptly she would leave the room to avoid contact with Ruth—she would rather go than think about having to spend any part of the evening entertaining Ruth. It had been months since Jemima stopped sitting in the schoolroom like she used to during the first few years of Ruth's time as governess. Now, every morning, Miss Bradshaw would sit at a little round table by the window, working or writing; but whether she was sewing, writing, or reading, Ruth felt that Jemima was always watching her—always watching. At first, Ruth welcomed these changes, thinking they gave her a chance to regain her lost friend's affection through patience or by showing enduring, constant love. But eventually, the icy coldness—immovable and grey—hit her harder than any harsh words could. Those words could be blamed on the hot impulses of a quick temper or the intense anger of someone accusing her; but this measured demeanor came from some deep-seated feeling; this cold sternness suited the calm implacability of a strict judge. The constant feeling of being watched made Ruth shiver without realizing it, like someone standing before the unflinching gaze of the dead. Her very essence felt withered and parched in Jemima's presence, as if blown upon by a biting, sharp east wind.
Jemima bent every power she possessed upon the one object of ascertaining what Ruth really was. Sometimes the strain was very painful; the constant tension made her soul weary; and she moaned aloud, and upbraided circumstance (she dared not go higher—to the Maker of circumstance) for having deprived her of her unsuspicious happy ignorance.
Jemima focused all her energy on figuring out who Ruth really was. Sometimes, the pressure was quite painful; the constant stress made her feel exhausted, and she groaned out loud and blamed her situation (she didn't dare go further—to the Creator of her situation) for taking away her blissful ignorance.
Things were in this state when Mr Richard Bradshaw came on his annual home visit. He was to remain another year in London, and then to return and be admitted into the firm. After he had been a week at home, he grew tired of the monotonous regularity of his father's household, and began to complain of it to Jemima.
Things were like this when Mr. Richard Bradshaw came home for his annual visit. He was planning to stay another year in London, and then return to join the firm. After being home for a week, he got bored with the predictable routine of his father's household and started to voice his complaints to Jemima.
"I wish Farquhar were at home. Though he is such a stiff, quiet old fellow, his coming in in the evenings makes a change. What has become of the Millses? They used to drink tea with us sometimes, formerly."
"I wish Farquhar were home. Even though he's such a stiff, quiet old guy, his presence in the evenings is refreshing. What happened to the Millses? They used to join us for tea occasionally."
"Oh! papa and Mr Mills took opposite sides at the election, and we have never visited since. I don't think they are any great loss."
"Oh! Dad and Mr. Mills took opposite sides in the election, and we haven't visited since. I don't think it's a big loss."
"Anybody is a loss—the stupidest bore that ever was would be a blessing, if he only would come in sometimes."
"Anyone is a loss—the most boring person ever would be a blessing if they would just come around sometimes."
"Mr and Miss Benson have drank tea here twice since you came."
"Mr. and Miss Benson have had tea here twice since you arrived."
"Come, that's capital! Apropos of stupid bores, you talk of the Bensons. I did not think you had so much discrimination, my little sister."
"Come on, that’s great! Speaking of tedious people, you’re talking about the Bensons. I didn’t realize you had such good judgment, my little sister."
Jemima looked up in surprise; and then reddened angrily.
Jemima looked up in shock and then blushed with anger.
"I never meant to say a word against Mr or Miss Benson, and that you know quite well, Dick."
"I never intended to say anything negative about Mr. or Miss Benson, and you know that very well, Dick."
"Never mind! I won't tell tales. They are stupid old fogeys, but they are better than nobody, especially as that handsome governess of the girls always comes with them to be looked at."
"Forget it! I won't gossip. They’re silly old folks, but they’re better than no one, especially since that attractive governess of the girls always comes with them to be seen."
There was a little pause; Richard broke it by saying:
There was a brief pause; Richard ended it by saying:
"Do you know, Mimie, I've a notion, if she plays her cards well, she may hook Farquhar!"
"Do you know, Mimie, I have a feeling that if she plays her cards right, she might catch Farquhar!"
"Who?" asked Jemima, shortly, though she knew quite well.
"Who?" Jemima asked briefly, even though she already knew.
"Mrs Denbigh, to be sure. We were talking of her, you know. Farquhar asked me to dine with him at his hotel as he passed through town, and—I'd my own reasons for going and trying to creep up his sleeve—I wanted him to tip me, as he used to do."
"Mrs. Denbigh, of course. We were just talking about her, you know. Farquhar invited me to have dinner with him at his hotel while he was passing through town, and—I had my own reasons for going and trying to get close to him—I wanted him to give me a tip, like he used to do."
"For shame! Dick," burst in Jemima.
"For shame! Dick," Jemima said.
"Well! well! not tip me exactly, but lend me some money. The governor keeps me so deucedly short."
"Well! well! not exactly tip me, but lend me some money. The boss keeps me so incredibly broke."
"Why! it was only yesterday, when my father was speaking about your expenses, and your allowance, I heard you say that you'd more than you knew how to spend."
"Wow! Just yesterday, when my dad was talking about your expenses and your allowance, I heard you say that you had more than you knew how to spend."
"Don't you see that was the perfection of art? If my father had thought me extravagant, he would have kept me in with a tight rein; as it is, I'm in great hopes of a handsome addition, and I can tell you it's needed. If my father had given me what I ought to have had at first, I should not have been driven to the speculations and messes I've got into."
"Don't you see that was the perfect example of art? If my father had thought I was being too extravagant, he would have kept me on a short leash; as it is, I’m really hoping for a nice increase, and I can tell you it’s definitely needed. If my father had given me what I should have had from the start, I wouldn't have been forced into the risky ventures and troubles I've ended up in."
"What speculations? What messes?" asked Jemima, with anxious eagerness.
"What speculations? What messes?" Jemima asked eagerly, her anxiety clear.
"Oh! messes was not the right word. Speculations hardly was; for they are sure to turn out well, and then I shall surprise my father with my riches." He saw that he had gone a little too far in his confidence, and was trying to draw in.
"Oh! 'Messes' wasn't the right word. 'Speculations' barely fit either; they’re bound to turn out well, and then I’ll surprise my dad with my wealth." He realized he had gotten a bit carried away with his confidence and was trying to rein it in.
"But, what do you mean? Do explain it to me."
"But, what do you mean? Please explain it to me."
"Never you trouble your head about my business, my dear. Women can't understand the share-market, and such things. Don't think I've forgotten the awful blunders you made when you tried to read the state of the money-market aloud to my father, that night when he had lost his spectacles. What were we talking of? Oh! of Farquhar and pretty Mrs Denbigh. Yes! I soon found out that was the subject my gentleman liked me to dwell on. He did not talk about her much himself, but his eyes sparkled when I told him what enthusiastic letters Polly and Elizabeth wrote about her. How old d'ye think she is?"
"Don't worry about my business, my dear. Women just can't grasp the stock market and things like that. I still remember the embarrassing mistakes you made when you tried to read the state of the money market to my father that night he lost his glasses. What were we discussing? Oh! About Farquhar and the lovely Mrs. Denbigh. Yes! I quickly realized that was the topic my gentleman enjoyed hearing about. He didn’t mention her much himself, but his eyes lit up when I shared the enthusiastic letters Polly and Elizabeth wrote about her. How old do you think she is?"
"I know!" said Jemima. "At least, I heard her age spoken about, amongst other things, when first she came. She will be five-and-twenty this autumn."
"I know!" said Jemima. "At least, I heard her age mentioned, among other things, when she first arrived. She will be twenty-five this autumn."
"And Farquhar is forty, if he is a day. She's young, too, to have such a boy as Leonard; younger-looking, or full as young-looking as she is! I tell you what, Mimie, she looks younger than you. How old are you? Three-and-twenty, ain't it?"
"And Farquhar is forty, no doubt about it. She’s pretty young to have a son like Leonard—looks just as young as she does! I’ll tell you, Mimie, she actually looks younger than you. How old are you? Twenty-three, right?"
"Last March," replied Jemima.
"Last March," Jemima replied.
"You'll have to make haste and pick up somebody, if you're losing your good looks at this rate. Why, Jemima, I thought you had a good chance of Farquhar a year or two ago. How come you to have lost him? I'd far rather you'd had him than that proud, haughty Mrs Denbigh, who flashes her great grey eyes upon me if ever I dare to pay her a compliment. She ought to think it an honour that I take that much notice of her. Besides, Farquhar is rich, and it's keeping the business of the firm in one's own family; and if he marries Mrs Denbigh she will be sure to be wanting Leonard in when he's of age, and I won't have that. Have a try for Farquhar, Mimie! Ten to one it's not too late. I wish I'd brought you a pink bonnet down. You go about so dowdy—so careless of how you look."
"You need to hurry up and find someone before you lose your looks at this rate. Jemima, I thought you had a good shot with Farquhar a year or two ago. What happened that you lost him? I'd much rather you ended up with him than that proud, snooty Mrs. Denbigh, who glares at me with her big grey eyes every time I dare to give her a compliment. She should consider it a privilege that I even pay attention to her. Plus, Farquhar is wealthy, and it keeps the business in the family. If he marries Mrs. Denbigh, she'll definitely want Leonard involved once he comes of age, and I can't have that. Give it another go with Farquhar, Mimie! There's a good chance it’s not too late. I wish I had brought you a pink bonnet. You look so drab—so unconcerned about your appearance."
"If Mr Farquhar has not liked me as I am," said Jemima, choking, "I don't want to owe him to a pink bonnet."
"If Mr. Farquhar doesn't like me for who I am," said Jemima, choking back tears, "I don't want to owe him anything because of a pink bonnet."
"Nonsense! I don't like to have my sisters' governess stealing a march on my sister. I tell you Farquhar is worth trying for. If you'll wear the pink bonnet I'll give it you, and I'll back you against Mrs Denbigh. I think you might have done something with 'our member,' as my father calls him, when you had him so long in the house. But, altogether, I should like Farquhar best for a brother-in-law. By the way, have you heard down here that Donne is going to be married? I heard of it in town, just before I left, from a man that was good authority. Some Sir Thomas Campbell's seventh daughter: a girl without a penny; father ruined himself by gambling, and obliged to live abroad. But Donne is not a man to care for any obstacle, from all accounts, when once he has taken a fancy. It was love at first sight, they say. I believe he did not know of her existence a month ago."
"Nonsense! I don’t like having my sister’s governess getting one up on her. I’m telling you, Farquhar is worth pursuing. If you wear the pink bonnet, I’ll give it to you, and I’ll bet on you against Mrs. Denbigh. I think you could have done something with 'our member,’ as my father calls him, since he stayed at our place for so long. But overall, I’d prefer Farquhar as a brother-in-law. By the way, have you heard that Donne is getting married? I found out about it in town just before I left, from someone who knows what they’re talking about. He’s marrying some Sir Thomas Campbell’s seventh daughter: a girl with no money; her father ruined himself gambling and had to move abroad. But Donne isn’t the type to be deterred by any obstacle, from what I hear, once he’s taken a liking to someone. They say it was love at first sight. I believe he didn’t even know she existed a month ago."
"No! we have not heard of it," replied Jemima. "My father will like to know; tell it him;" continued she, as she was leaving the room, to be alone, in order to still her habitual agitation whenever she heard Mr Farquhar and Ruth coupled together.
"No! We haven't heard about it," replied Jemima. "My dad would want to know; tell him," she continued as she left the room to be alone, trying to calm her usual anxiety whenever she heard Mr. Farquhar and Ruth mentioned together.
Mr Farquhar came home the day before Richard Bradshaw left for town. He dropped in after tea at the Bradshaws'; he was evidently disappointed to see none but the family there, and looked round whenever the door opened.
Mr. Farquhar came home the day before Richard Bradshaw left for town. He stopped by the Bradshaws' after tea; he was clearly disappointed to see only family there and glanced around whenever the door opened.
"Look! look!" said Dick to his sister. "I wanted to make sure of his coming in to-night, to save me my father's parting exhortations against the temptations of the world (as if I did not know much more of the world than he does!), so I used a spell I thought would prove efficacious; I told him that we should be by ourselves, with the exception of Mrs Denbigh, and look how he is expecting her to come in!"
"Look! Look!" said Dick to his sister. "I wanted to make sure he would come in tonight, to avoid my father's nightly lectures about the temptations of the world (as if I didn't know a lot more about the world than he does!), so I used a trick I thought would work; I told him we would be alone, except for Mrs. Denbigh, and look how he's waiting for her to arrive!"
Jemima did see; did understand. She understood, too, why certain packets were put carefully on one side, apart from the rest of the purchases of Swiss toys and jewellery, by which Mr Farquhar proved that none of Mr Bradshaw's family had been forgotten by him during his absence. Before the end of the evening, she was very conscious that her sore heart had not forgotten how to be jealous. Her brother did not allow a word, a look, or an incident, which might be supposed on Mr Farquhar's side to refer to Ruth, to pass unnoticed; he pointed out all to his sister, never dreaming of the torture he was inflicting, only anxious to prove his own extreme penetration. At length Jemima could stand it no longer, and left the room. She went into the schoolroom, where the shutters were not closed, as it only looked into the garden. She opened the window, to let the cool night air blow in on her hot cheeks. The clouds were hurrying over the moon's face in a tempestuous and unstable manner, making all things seem unreal; now clear out in its bright light, now trembling and quivering in shadow. The pain at her heart seemed to make Jemima's brain grow dull; she laid her head on her arms, which rested on the window-sill, and grew dizzy with the sick weary notion that the earth was wandering lawless and aimless through the heavens, where all seemed one tossed and whirling wrack of clouds. It was a waking nightmare, from the uneasy heaviness of which she was thankful to be roused by Dick's entrance.
Jemima saw it all; she got it. She also understood why certain packages had been set aside, separate from the rest of the Swiss toys and jewelry, showing that Mr. Farquhar hadn’t forgotten any of Mr. Bradshaw's family during his time away. By the end of the evening, she was acutely aware that her aching heart still knew how to feel jealous. Her brother didn’t miss a single word, look, or moment that might relate to Ruth in any way; he pointed everything out to her, completely unaware of the pain he was causing, just eager to show off how perceptive he was. Eventually, Jemima couldn’t take it anymore, and she left the room. She went into the schoolroom, where the shutters were open since it only faced the garden. She opened the window to let the cool night air refresh her hot cheeks. The clouds rushed across the moon in a chaotic and restless way, making everything feel surreal; one moment it was brightly lit, the next it was shaking and flickering in shadow. The ache in her heart made Jemima feel foggy; she rested her head on her arms on the windowsill and felt dizzy with the disconcerting thought that the earth was aimlessly drifting through the cosmos, where everything seemed like a chaotic swirl of clouds. It was a waking nightmare, and she was grateful to be pulled out of it by Dick's entrance.
"What, you are here, are you? I have been looking everywhere for you. I wanted to ask you if you have any spare money you could lend me for a few weeks?"
"What, you're here, huh? I've been searching all over for you. I wanted to ask if you have any extra cash you could lend me for a couple of weeks?"
"How much do you want?" asked Jemima, in a dull, hopeless voice.
"How much do you want?" Jemima asked in a flat, hopeless tone.
"Oh! the more the better. But I should be glad of any trifle, I am kept so confoundedly short."
"Oh! the more the better. But I'd be happy with anything small; I'm just so frustratingly short."
When Jemima returned with her little store, even her careless, selfish brother was struck by the wanness of her face, lighted by the bed-candle she carried.
When Jemima came back with her little supply, even her thoughtless, selfish brother noticed how pale her face was, illuminated by the candle she was carrying.
"Come, Mimie, don't give it up. If I were you, I would have a good try against Mrs Denbigh. I'll send you the bonnet as soon as ever I get back to town, and you pluck up a spirit, and I'll back you against her even yet."
"Come on, Mimie, don’t give up. If I were you, I’d really go for it against Mrs. Denbigh. I’ll send you the hat as soon as I’m back in town, so you gather some courage, and I’ll support you against her still."
It seemed to Jemima strange—and yet only a fitting part of this strange, chaotic world—to find that her brother, who was the last person to whom she could have given her confidence in her own family, and almost the last person of her acquaintance to whom she could look for real help and sympathy, should have been the only one to hit upon the secret of her love. And the idea passed away from his mind as quickly as all ideas not bearing upon his own self-interests did.
It seemed odd to Jemima—and yet just a natural part of this bizarre, chaotic world— to discover that her brother, who was the last person she would have confided in within her own family, and almost the last person she could count on for genuine help and support, was the only one to uncover the secret of her love. And the thought left his mind as quickly as all thoughts unrelated to his own self-interests did.
The night, the sleepless night, was so crowded and haunted by miserable images, that she longed for day; and when day came, with its stinging realities, she wearied and grew sick for the solitude of night. For the next week, she seemed to see and hear nothing but what confirmed the idea of Mr Farquhar's decided attachment to Ruth. Even her mother spoke of it as a thing which was impending, and which she wondered how Mr Bradshaw would like; for his approval or disapproval was the standard by which she measured all things.
The night, the sleepless night, was so crowded and haunted by miserable images that she longed for day; and when day arrived, with its harsh realities, she grew tired and missed the solitude of night. For the next week, it felt like all she could see and hear were things that confirmed Mr. Farquhar's strong feelings for Ruth. Even her mother talked about it as if it were something about to happen, wondering how Mr. Bradshaw would react; his approval or disapproval was the measure by which she judged everything.
"Oh! merciful God," prayed Jemima, in the dead silence of the night, "the strain is too great—I cannot bear it longer—my life—my love—the very essence of me, which is myself through time and eternity; and on the other side there is all-pitying Charity. If she had not been what she is—if she had shown any sign of triumph—any knowledge of her prize—if she had made any effort to gain his dear heart, I must have given way long ago, and taunted her, even if I did not tell others—taunted her, even though I sank down to the pit the next moment.
"Oh! merciful God," prayed Jemima, in the dead silence of the night, "the pressure is too much—I can't handle it any longer—my life—my love—the very essence of who I am, which is myself throughout time and eternity; and on the other side is all-pitying Charity. If she hadn't been who she is—if she had shown any sign of victory—any awareness of her prize—if she had made any effort to win his dear heart, I would have given in long ago, and mocked her, even if I didn't tell anyone else—mocked her, even if I fell into the depths the very next moment."
"The temptation is too strong for me. Oh Lord! where is Thy peace that I believed in, in my childhood?—that I hear people speaking of now, as if it hushed up the troubles of life, and had not to be sought for—sought for, as with tears of blood!"
"The temptation is too strong for me. Oh Lord! where is Your peace that I believed in during my childhood?—that I hear people talking about now, as if it just quiets the troubles of life and doesn't need to be searched for—searched for, as if with tears of blood!"
There was no sound nor sight in answer to this wild imploring cry, which Jemima half thought must force out a sign from Heaven. But there was a dawn stealing on through the darkness of her night.
There was no sound or sight in response to this desperate plea, which Jemima half believed should bring a sign from Heaven. But there was a dawn breaking through the darkness of her night.
It was glorious weather for the end of August. The nights were as full of light as the days—everywhere, save in the low dusky meadows by the river-side, where the mists rose and blended the pale sky with the lands below. Unknowing of the care and trouble around them, Mary and Elizabeth exulted in the weather, and saw some new glory in every touch of the year's decay. They were clamorous for an expedition to the hills, before the calm stillness of the autumn should be disturbed by storms. They gained permission to go on the next Wednesday—the next half-holiday. They had won their mother over to consent to a full holiday, but their father would not hear of it. Mrs Bradshaw had proposed an early dinner, but the idea was scouted at by the girls. What would the expedition be worth if they did not carry their dinners with them in baskets? Anything out of a basket, and eaten in the open air, was worth twenty times as much as the most sumptuous meal in the house. So the baskets were packed up, while Mrs Bradshaw wailed over probable colds to be caught from sitting on the damp ground. Ruth and Leonard were to go; they four. Jemima had refused all invitations to make one of the party; and yet she had a half-sympathy with her sisters' joy—a sort of longing, lingering look back to the time when she too would have revelled in the prospect that lay before them. They, too, would grow up, and suffer; though now they played, regardless of their doom.
It was beautiful weather for the end of August. The nights were just as bright as the days—everywhere, except in the dark, misty meadows by the river, where the fog rose and blended the pale sky with the land below. Unaware of the worries and troubles surrounding them, Mary and Elizabeth delighted in the weather and found something new to celebrate in every sign of the season's change. They eagerly wanted to go on an adventure in the hills before the peaceful calm of autumn was interrupted by storms. They got permission to go the following Wednesday—the next half-holiday. They had convinced their mother to agree to a full holiday, but their father refused. Mrs. Bradshaw suggested an early dinner, but the girls dismissed the idea. What would the trip be worth if they didn’t pack their own lunches in baskets? Anything eaten outdoors from a basket felt twenty times better than the fanciest meal at home. So, they packed their baskets while Mrs. Bradshaw worried about potential colds from sitting on the damp ground. Ruth and Leonard were going too; the four of them. Jemima declined all invitations to join the group; still, she felt a half-hearted sympathy for her sisters' excitement—a sort of nostalgic longing for the time when she would have also thrived on the adventure that awaited them. They too would grow up and face struggles; for now, though, they played, oblivious to their fate.
The morning was bright and glorious; just cloud enough, as some one said, to make the distant plain look beautiful from the hills, with its floating shadows passing over the golden corn-fields. Leonard was to join them at twelve, when his lessons with Mr Benson, and the girls' with their masters, should be over. Ruth took off her bonnet, and folded her shawl with her usual dainty, careful neatness, and laid them aside in a corner of the room to be in readiness. She tried to forget the pleasure she always anticipated from a long walk towards the hills, while the morning's work went on; but she showed enough of sympathy to make the girls cling round her with many a caress of joyous love. Everything was beautiful in their eyes; from the shadows of the quivering leaves on the wall to the glittering beads of dew, not yet absorbed by the sun, which decked the gossamer web in the vine outside the window. Eleven o'clock struck. The Latin master went away, wondering much at the radiant faces of his pupils, and thinking that it was only very young people who could take such pleasure in the "Delectus." Ruth said, "Now, do let us try to be very steady this next hour," and Mary pulled back Ruth's head, and gave the pretty budding mouth a kiss. They sat down to work, while Mrs Denbigh read aloud. A fresh sun-gleam burst into the room, and they looked at each other with glad, anticipating eyes.
The morning was bright and beautiful; just enough clouds, as someone said, to make the distant plain look lovely from the hills, with its floating shadows moving over the golden cornfields. Leonard was going to join them at noon, after finishing his lessons with Mr. Benson, and the girls with their teachers. Ruth took off her bonnet, folded her shawl with her usual care, and placed them in a corner of the room to be ready. She tried to forget the joy she always felt about a long walk towards the hills while the morning's work continued; but she showed enough affection that the girls surrounded her with loving hugs. Everything was beautiful in their eyes; from the shadows of the fluttering leaves on the wall to the sparkling droplets of dew, not yet dried by the sun, that adorned the spider web outside the window. Eleven o'clock struck. The Latin teacher left, marveling at the bright faces of his students, thinking that only very young people could take such delight in the "Delectus." Ruth said, "Now, let’s try to stay focused for this next hour," and Mary pulled back Ruth's head and gave her a kiss on her pretty budding lips. They sat down to work while Mrs. Denbigh read aloud. A fresh beam of sunlight burst into the room, and they exchanged glances with excited, hopeful eyes.
Jemima came in, ostensibly to seek for a book, but really from that sort of restless weariness of any one place or employment, which had taken possession of her since Mr Farquhar's return. She stood before the bookcase in the recess, languidly passing over the titles in search of the one she wanted. Ruth's voice lost a tone or two of its peacefulness, and her eyes looked more dim and anxious at Jemima's presence. She wondered in her heart if she dared to ask Miss Bradshaw to accompany them in their expedition. Eighteen months ago she would have urged it on her friend with soft, loving entreaty; now she was afraid even to propose it as a hard possibility; everything she did or said was taken so wrongly—seemed to add to the old dislike, or the later stony contempt with which Miss Bradshaw had regarded her. While they were in this way Mr Bradshaw came into the room. His entrance—his being at home at all at this time—was so unusual a thing, that the reading was instantly stopped; and all four involuntarily looked at him, as if expecting some explanation of his unusual proceeding.
Jemima walked in, apparently looking for a book, but really just feeling that kind of restless boredom with any one place or activity that had taken hold of her since Mr. Farquhar's return. She stood in front of the bookcase in the nook, lazily skimming through the titles in search of the one she wanted. Ruth's voice lost a bit of its calmness, and her eyes appeared more dim and worried at Jemima's presence. She wondered in her heart if she should ask Miss Bradshaw to join them on their outing. Eighteen months ago, she would have urged her friend with soft, loving persuasion; now, she was even hesitant to suggest it as a distant possibility; everything she did or said was misunderstood—seemed to add to the old dislike or the newer, cold contempt with which Miss Bradshaw had viewed her. While they were in this state, Mr. Bradshaw walked into the room. His arrival—his being home at this time—was so uncommon that the reading was immediately halted, and all four of them instinctively looked at him, as if expecting some explanation for his unexpected behavior.
His face was almost purple with suppressed agitation.
His face was nearly purple with pent-up frustration.
"Mary and Elizabeth, leave the room. Don't stay to pack up your books. Leave the room, I say!" He spoke with trembling anger, and the frightened girls obeyed without a word. A cloud passing over the sun cast a cold gloom into the room which was late so bright and beaming; but, by equalising the light, it took away the dark shadow from the place where Jemima had been standing, and her figure caught her father's eye.
"Mary and Elizabeth, leave the room. Don't stick around to pack your books. Just go!" He said this with shaking anger, and the frightened girls complied silently. A cloud passing over the sun brought a cold gloom into the room that had just been so bright and cheerful; however, by balancing the light, it removed the dark shadow from where Jemima had been standing, and her figure caught her father's attention.
"Leave the room, Jemima," said he.
"Leave the room, Jemima," he said.
"Why, father?" replied she, in an opposition that was strange even to herself, but which was prompted by the sullen passion which seethed below the stagnant surface of her life, and which sought a vent in defiance. She maintained her ground, facing round upon her father, and Ruth—Ruth, who had risen, and stood trembling, shaking, a lightning-fear having shown her the precipice on which she stood. It was of no use; no quiet, innocent life—no profound silence, even to her own heart, as to the Past; the old offence could never be drowned in the Deep; but thus, when all was calm on the great, broad, sunny sea, it rose to the surface, and faced her with its unclosed eyes and its ghastly countenance. The blood bubbled up to her brain, and made such a sound there, as of boiling waters, that she did not hear the words which Mr Bradshaw first spoke; indeed, his speech was broken and disjointed by intense passion. But she needed not to hear; she knew. As she rose up at first, so she stood now—numb and helpless. When her ears heard again (as if the sounds were drawing nearer, and becoming more distinct, from some faint, vague distance of space), Mr Bradshaw was saying, "If there be one sin I hate—I utterly loathe—more than all others, it is wantonness. It includes all other sins. It is but of a piece that you should have come with your sickly, hypocritical face, imposing upon us all. I trust Benson did not know of it—for his own sake, I trust not. Before God, if he got you into my house on false pretences, he shall find his charity at other men's expense shall cost him dear—you—the common talk of Eccleston for your profligacy—" He was absolutely choked by his boiling indignation. Ruth stood speechless, motionless. Her head drooped a little forward, her eyes were more than half veiled by the large quivering lids, her arms hung down straight and heavy. At last she heaved the weight off her heart enough to say, in a faint, moaning voice, speaking with infinite difficulty:
"Why, Dad?" she replied, her resistance feeling strange even to her, driven by the simmering anger beneath the stagnant surface of her life, searching for a way out in defiance. She held her ground, turning to face her father, and Ruth—Ruth, who had gotten up and stood there trembling, shaken, a sudden fear revealing the edge she was teetering on. It was pointless; no calm, innocent life—no deep silence, even within her own heart, regarding the past; the old wrong could never be buried in the depths. Even when everything seemed peaceful on the vast, sunny sea, it resurfaced, confronting her with its unblinking eyes and its ghastly expression. The blood rushed to her head, making a sound like boiling water, so she didn't hear the words Mr. Bradshaw first spoke; in fact, his words were broken and ragged with intense emotion. But she didn't need to hear; she already knew. Just as she had stood earlier, she remained now—numb and powerless. When her hearing returned (as if sounds were coming closer and becoming clearer from some faint, distant space), Mr. Bradshaw was saying, "If there’s one sin I despise—I completely loathe—more than any other, it’s wantonness. It encompasses all other sins. It’s typical of you to show up with your sickly, hypocritical face, deceiving us all. I hope Benson didn’t know about this—for his own sake, I really hope not. Before God, if he brought you into my house under false pretenses, he’ll discover that his charity, at the expense of others, will cost him dearly—you—the talk of the town in Eccleston for your scandalous behavior—" He was nearly choked with boiling rage. Ruth stood there speechless and motionless. Her head drooped slightly forward, her eyes were more than half closed by her trembling lids, her arms hung straight down, heavy. Finally, she managed to lift the burden off her heart just enough to say, in a weak, moaning voice, struggling to speak:
"I was so young."
"I was really young."
"The more depraved, the more disgusting you," Mr Bradshaw exclaimed, almost glad that the woman, unresisting so long, should now begin to resist. But to his surprise (for in his anger he had forgotten her presence) Jemima moved forwards, and said, "Father!"
"The more twisted you are, the more repulsive you become," Mr. Bradshaw exclaimed, almost pleased that the woman, who had been passive for so long, finally started to push back. But to his surprise (for in his anger he had forgotten she was there), Jemima stepped forward and said, "Dad!"
"You hold your tongue, Jemima. You have grown more and more insolent—more and more disobedient every day. I now know who to thank for it. When such a woman came into my family there is no wonder at any corruption—any evil—any defilement—"
"You keep quiet, Jemima. You've become more and more rude—more and more disobedient every day. I now know who to blame for it. With a woman like that entering my family, it's no surprise there's been any corruption—any evil—any pollution—"
"Father!"
"Dad!"
"Not a word! If, in your disobedience, you choose to stay and hear what no modest young woman would put herself in the way of hearing, you shall be silent when I bid you. The only good you can gain is in the way of warning. Look at that woman" (indicating Ruth, who moved her drooping head a little on one side, as if by such motion she could avert the pitiless pointing—her face growing whiter and whiter still every instant)—"look at that woman, I say—corrupt long before she was your age—hypocrite for years! If ever you, or any child of mine, cared for her, shake her off from you, as St Paul shook off the viper—even into the fire." He stopped for very want of breath. Jemima, all flushed and panting, went up and stood side by side with wan Ruth. She took the cold, dead hand which hung next to her in her warm convulsive grasp, and holding it so tight that it was blue and discoloured for days, she spoke out beyond all power of restraint from her father.
"Not a word! If you choose to disobey and stay to hear what no respectable young woman would put herself in the way of hearing, you will be silent when I tell you to be. The only benefit you can gain is a warning. Look at that woman" (pointing to Ruth, who tilted her drooping head slightly to the side, as if that motion could somehow lessen the harsh pointing—her face growing paler by the second)—"look at that woman, I say—corrupt long before you were her age—hypocrite for years! If you or any child of mine ever cared for her, shake her off like St. Paul shook off the viper—even into the fire." He paused, out of breath. Jemima, all flustered and panting, moved up to stand side by side with pale Ruth. She took the cold, lifeless hand that hung next to her in her warm, convulsive grip, and held it so tightly that it turned blue and discolored for days, speaking out without any regard for her father's restraint.
"Father, I will speak. I will not keep silence. I will bear witness to Ruth. I have hated her—so keenly, may God forgive me! but you may know, from that, that my witness is true. I have hated her, and my hatred was only quenched into contempt—not contempt now, dear Ruth—dear Ruth"—(this was spoken with infinite softness and tenderness, and in spite of her father's fierce eyes and passionate gesture)—"I heard what you have learnt now, father, weeks and weeks ago—a year it may be, all time of late has been so long; and I shuddered up from her and from her sin; and I might have spoken of it, and told it there and then, if I had not been afraid that it was from no good motive I should act in so doing, but to gain a way to the desire of my own jealous heart. Yes, father, to show you what a witness I am for Ruth, I will own that I was stabbed to the heart with jealousy; some one—some one cared for Ruth that—oh, father! spare me saying all." Her face was double-dyed with crimson blushes, and she paused for one moment—no more.
"Father, I will speak. I won't stay silent. I will testify about Ruth. I have hated her—so intensely, may God forgive me! But you can understand from that that my testimony is honest. I have hated her, and my hatred turned into nothing but contempt—not contempt now, dear Ruth—dear Ruth"—(this was said with infinite softness and tenderness, even in the face of her father's fierce eyes and passionate gestures)—"I heard what you’ve just learned, father, weeks and weeks ago—maybe a year; all this time lately has felt so long; and I shuddered away from her and her sin; I could have spoken about it right then, but I was afraid it would only be for my own selfish reasons, to fuel the jealousy in my heart. Yes, father, to show you how I stand as a witness for Ruth, I will admit that I was stabbed to the heart with jealousy; someone—someone cared for Ruth that—oh, father! Please spare me from saying everything." Her face was bright red with embarrassment, and she paused for just a moment—no more.
"I watched her, and I watched her with my wild-beast eyes. If I had seen one paltering with duty—if I had witnessed one flickering shadow of untruth in word or action—if, more than all things, my woman's instinct had ever been conscious of the faintest speck of impurity in thought, or word, or look, my old hate would have flamed out with the flame of hell! my contempt would have turned to loathing disgust, instead of my being full of pity, and the stirrings of new-awakened love, and most true respect. Father, I have borne my witness!"
"I watched her, and I watched her with intense, focused eyes. If I had seen her avoid her responsibilities—if I had noticed even a hint of dishonesty in what she said or did—if, more than anything, my intuition as a woman had ever sensed the slightest trace of impurity in her thoughts, words, or looks, my old hatred would have burned with the intensity of hell! My contempt would have turned into complete disgust, instead of me feeling full of pity, and the stirrings of newly awakened love, and genuine respect. Father, I have given my testimony!"
"And I will tell you how much your witness is worth," said her father, beginning low, that his pent-up wrath might have room to swell out. "It only convinces me more and more how deep is the corruption this wanton has spread in my family. She has come amongst us with her innocent seeming, and spread her nets well and skilfully. She has turned right into wrong, and wrong into right, and taught you all to be uncertain whether there be any such thing as Vice in the world, or whether it ought not to be looked upon as Virtue. She has led you to the brink of the deep pit, ready for the first chance circumstance to push you in. And I trusted her—I trusted her—I welcomed her."
"And I’ll tell you what your testimony is really worth," her father said, starting off quietly so his pent-up anger could build up. "It only makes me more convinced of how deep the corruption this reckless person has spread in our family really is. She came into our lives looking innocent and laid her traps skillfully. She’s twisted right into wrong and wrong into right, teaching you all to question whether Vice even exists or if it should be viewed as Virtue. She’s led you to the edge of a deep pit, just waiting for the first chance to push you in. And I trusted her—I trusted her—I welcomed her."
"I have done very wrong," murmured Ruth, but so low, that perhaps he did not hear her, for he went on, lashing himself up.
"I've messed up really badly," Ruth whispered, but so quietly that maybe he didn't hear her, because he continued to get worked up.
"I welcomed her. I was duped into allowing her bastard—(I sicken at the thought of it)—"
"I welcomed her. I was tricked into letting her child—(I feel sick just thinking about it)—"
At the mention of Leonard, Ruth lifted up her eyes for the first time since the conversation began, the pupils dilating, as if she were just becoming aware of some new agony in store for her. I have seen such a look of terror on a poor dumb animal's countenance, and once or twice on human faces. I pray I may never see it again on either! Jemima felt the hand she held in her strong grasp writhe itself free. Ruth spread her arms before her, clasping and lacing her fingers together, her head thrown a little back, as if in intensest suffering.
At the mention of Leonard, Ruth looked up for the first time since the conversation started, her pupils widening, as if she was just realizing some new pain was coming her way. I've seen that kind of terror on a poor animal's face, and a few times on people's faces. I hope I never see it again on either! Jemima felt the hand she was holding struggle free from her strong grip. Ruth spread her arms in front of her, clasping and intertwining her fingers, her head tilted slightly back, as if in extreme anguish.
Mr Bradshaw went on:
Mr. Bradshaw continued:
"That very child and heir of shame to associate with my own innocent children! I trust they are not contaminated."
"That child, the very embodiment of shame, is mingling with my innocent kids! I hope they aren't being influenced."
"I cannot bear it—I cannot bear it!" were the words wrung out of Ruth.
"I can't take it—I can't take it!" were the words squeezed out of Ruth.
"Cannot bear it! cannot bear it!" he repeated. "You must bear it, madam. Do you suppose your child is to be exempt from the penalties of his birth? Do you suppose that he alone is to be saved from the upbraiding scoff? Do you suppose that he is ever to rank with other boys, who are not stained and marked with sin from their birth? Every creature in Eccleston may know what he is; do you think they will spare him their scorn? 'Cannot bear it,' indeed! Before you went into your sin, you should have thought whether you could bear the consequences or not—have had some idea how far your offspring would be degraded and scouted, till the best thing that could happen to him would be for him to be lost to all sense of shame, dead to all knowledge of guilt, for his mother's sake."
"I can't stand it! I can't stand it!" he repeated. "You need to accept it, madam. Do you really think your child is going to be free from the consequences of his birth? Do you think he's the only one who gets to escape the harsh judgments? Do you think he's ever going to fit in with other boys who aren’t marked by sin from the start? Everyone in Eccleston will know what he is; do you believe they'll hold back their contempt? 'I can't bear it,' really! Before you gave in to your sin, you should have considered whether you could handle the outcomes—thought about how much your child would be looked down on and ridiculed, until the best thing that could happen to him would be to lose all sense of shame, be oblivious to all knowledge of guilt, for your sake."
Ruth spoke out. She stood like a wild creature at bay, past fear now. "I appeal to God against such a doom for my child. I appeal to God to help me. I am a mother, and as such I cry to God for help—for help to keep my boy in His pitying sight, and to bring him up in His holy fear. Let the shame fall on me! I have deserved it, but he—he is so innocent and good."
Ruth spoke up. She stood like a cornered wild animal, no longer afraid. "I call on God against this fate for my child. I ask God to help me. I’m a mother, and as such, I cry out to God for help—to help keep my boy in His compassionate sight and to raise him with His holy reverence. Let the shame be mine! I deserve it, but he—he is so innocent and good."
Ruth had caught up her shawl, and was tying on her bonnet with her trembling hands. What if Leonard was hearing of her shame from common report? What would be the mysterious shock of the intelligence? She must face him, and see the look in his eyes, before she knew whether he recoiled from her; he might have his heart turned to hate her, by their cruel jeers.
Ruth had grabbed her shawl and was tying on her bonnet with shaky hands. What if Leonard was hearing about her shame from gossip? What would be the painful shock of that news? She had to confront him and see the look in his eyes before she knew if he would turn away from her; their cruel taunts might have filled his heart with hate for her.
Jemima stood by, dumb and pitying. Her sorrow was past her power. She helped in arranging the dress, with one or two gentle touches, which were hardly felt by Ruth, but which called out all Mr Bradshaw's ire afresh; he absolutely took her by the shoulders and turned her by force out of the room. In the hall, and along the stairs, her passionate woeful crying was heard. The sound only concentrated Mr Bradshaw's anger on Ruth. He held the street-door open wide, and said, between his teeth, "If ever you, or your bastard, darken this door again, I will have you both turned out by the police!"
Jemima stood by, silent and sympathetic. Her sorrow was beyond her control. She helped adjust the dress with a couple of gentle touches, barely noticeable to Ruth, but which triggered Mr. Bradshaw's anger all over again; he forcefully grabbed her by the shoulders and shoved her out of the room. In the hallway and on the stairs, her heartbreaking cries could be heard. The sound only fueled Mr. Bradshaw's rage towards Ruth. He held the front door wide open and said through clenched teeth, "If you or your illegitimate child ever come back here, I’ll have you both thrown out by the police!"
He need not have added this, if he had seen Ruth's face.
He wouldn't have needed to add this if he had seen Ruth's face.
CHAPTER XXVII
Preparing to Stand on the Truth
As Ruth went along the accustomed streets, every sight and every sound seemed to bear a new meaning, and each and all to have some reference to her boy's disgrace. She held her head down, and scudded along dizzy with fear, lest some word should have told him what she had been, and what he was, before she could reach him. It was a wild, unreasoning fear, but it took hold of her as strongly as if it had been well founded. And, indeed, the secret whispered by Mrs Pearson, whose curiosity and suspicion had been excited by Jemima's manner, and confirmed since by many a little corroborating circumstance, had spread abroad, and was known to most of the gossips in Eccleston before it reached Mr Bradshaw's ears.
As Ruth walked through the familiar streets, everything she saw and heard felt like it held a new significance, all connected to her son's humiliation. She kept her head down and hurried along, dizzy with the fear that somehow he might have heard about her past and his own situation before she could get to him. It was an irrational, overwhelming fear, but it felt just as real as if it were based on truth. In fact, the secret Mrs. Pearson had shared—sparked by Jemima’s behavior and later confirmed by several little signs—had circulated widely and was known to most of the gossipers in Eccleston long before it reached Mr. Bradshaw.
As Ruth came up to the door of the Chapel-house, it was opened, and Leonard came out, bright and hopeful as the morning, his face radiant at the prospect of the happy day before him. He was dressed in the clothes it had been such a pleasant pride to her to make for him. He had the dark blue ribbon tied round his neck that she had left out for him that very morning, with a smiling thought of how it would set off his brown, handsome face. She caught him by the hand as they met, and turned him, with his face homewards, without a word. Her looks, her rushing movement, her silence, awed him; and although he wondered, he did not stay to ask why she did so. The door was on the latch; she opened it, and only said, "Upstairs," in a hoarse whisper. Up they went into her own room. She drew him in, and bolted the door; and then, sitting down, she placed him (she had never let go of him) before her, holding him with her hands on each of his shoulders, and gazing into his face with a woeful look of the agony that could not find vent in words. At last she tried to speak; she tried with strong bodily effort, almost amounting to convulsion. But the words would not come; it was not till she saw the absolute terror depicted on his face that she found utterance; and then the sight of that terror changed the words from what she meant them to have been. She drew him to her, and laid her head upon his shoulder; hiding her face even there.
As Ruth approached the door of the Chapel-house, it swung open, and Leonard stepped out, bright and hopeful like the morning, his face glowing with the anticipation of the joyful day ahead. He wore the clothes she had taken such pride in making for him. He had a dark blue ribbon tied around his neck that she had set aside for him that very morning, thinking how nicely it would complement his handsome brown face. She grabbed his hand as they met and turned him back toward home without saying a word. Her expression, her hurried movement, her silence, left him in awe; although he was curious, he didn’t ask why she acted this way. The door was unlatched; she opened it and simply said, "Upstairs," in a strained whisper. They headed up to her room. She pulled him in and locked the door; then, sitting down, she positioned him (she hadn't let go of him) in front of her, holding him by the shoulders and looking into his face with a pained expression that couldn’t find the words to match her feelings. Finally, she tried to speak; she struggled with a physical effort that almost felt like convulsion. But the words wouldn't come; it wasn't until she saw the pure terror on his face that she found her voice. And then, seeing that fear changed her words from what she intended them to be. She pulled him close, resting her head on his shoulder and hiding her face there.
"My poor, poor boy! my poor, poor darling! Oh! would that I had died—I had died, in my innocent girlhood!"
"My poor, poor boy! My poor, poor darling! Oh! I wish I had died — I had died in my innocent youth!"
"Mother! mother!" sobbed Leonard. "What is the matter? Why do you look so wild and ill? Why do you call me your 'poor boy'? Are we not going to Scaurside-hill? I don't much mind it, mother; only please don't gasp and quiver so. Dearest mother, are you ill? Let me call Aunt Faith!"
"Mom! Mom!" Leonard cried. "What’s wrong? Why do you look so frantic and sick? Why do you keep calling me your 'poor boy'? Aren't we going to Scaurside Hill? I’m okay with it, Mom; just please stop gasping and trembling like that. Sweet mom, are you sick? Let me get Aunt Faith!"
Ruth lifted herself up, and put away the hair that had fallen over and was blinding her eyes. She looked at him with intense wistfulness.
Ruth raised herself up and tucked away the hair that had fallen down and was blocking her view. She looked at him with deep longing.
"Kiss me, Leonard!" said she—"kiss me, my darling, once more in the old way!" Leonard threw himself into her arms and hugged her with all his force, and their lips clung together as in the kiss given to the dying.
"Kiss me, Leonard!" she said—"kiss me, my love, one more time like before!" Leonard pulled her into his arms and held her tightly, their lips meeting like a kiss shared in parting.
"Leonard!" said she at length, holding him away from her, and nerving herself up to tell him all by one spasmodic effort—"listen to me." The boy stood breathless and still, gazing at her. On her impetuous transit from Mr Bradshaw's to the Chapel-house, her wild, desperate thought had been that she would call herself by every violent, coarse name which the world might give her—that Leonard should hear those words applied to his mother first from her own lips; but the influence of his presence—for he was a holy and sacred creature in her eyes, and this point remained steadfast, though all the rest were upheaved—subdued her; and now it seemed as if she could not find words fine enough, and pure enough, to convey the truth that he must learn, and should learn from no tongue but hers.
"Leonard!" she finally said, holding him away from her and gathering the strength to express everything with one intense effort—"listen to me." The boy stood there, breathless and still, staring at her. During her frantic rush from Mr. Bradshaw's to the Chapel-house, she had desperately thought about calling herself every harsh, ugly name that the world might use—so that Leonard would hear those words about his mother first from her own lips; but the gravity of his presence—since he was a holy and cherished being in her eyes, and this belief remained unshaken despite everything else being in turmoil—calmed her down. Now it felt like she couldn’t find words that were refined and pure enough to express the truth that he needed to learn, and it should come from no one else but her.
"Leonard—when I was very young I did very wrong. I think God, who knows all, will judge me more tenderly than men—but I did wrong in a way which you cannot understand yet" (she saw the red flush come into his cheek, and it stung her as the first token of that shame which was to be his portion through life)—"in a way people never forget, never forgive. You will hear me called the hardest names that ever can be thrown at women—I have been, to-day; and, my child, you must bear it patiently, because they will be partly true. Never get confused, by your love for me, into thinking that what I did was right.—Where was I?" said she, suddenly faltering, and forgetting all she had said and all she had got to say; and then, seeing Leonard's face of wonder, and burning shame and indignation, she went on more rapidly, as fearing lest her strength should fail before she had ended.
"Leonard—when I was very young, I made some serious mistakes. I believe God, who knows everything, will judge me more kindly than people do—but I messed up in a way that you can't understand yet" (she noticed the red flush come to his cheek, and it stung her as the first sign of the shame that would follow him throughout his life)—"in a way that people never forget and never forgive. You will hear me called the worst names that can be thrown at women—I have today; and, my child, you must endure it patiently because some of it will be true. Never let your love for me make you think that what I did was right.—Where was I?" she said, suddenly faltering and forgetting everything she had said and all she intended to say; and then, seeing Leonard's face full of wonder, burning shame, and indignation, she continued more quickly, fearing her strength might fail before she finished.
"And, Leonard," continued she, in a trembling, sad voice, "this is not all. The punishment of punishments lies awaiting me still. It is to see you suffer for my wrongdoing. Yes, darling! they will speak shameful things of you, poor innocent child! as well as of me, who am guilty. They will throw it in your teeth through life, that your mother was never married—was not married when you were born—"
"And, Leonard," she continued, her voice shaky and filled with sadness, "that's not all. The worst punishment is still ahead of me. It's to watch you suffer because of my mistakes. Yes, sweetheart! They will say awful things about you, poor innocent child! as well as about me, who is guilty. They will remind you throughout your life that your mother was never married—was not married when you were born
"Were not you married? Are not you a widow?" asked he abruptly, for the first time getting anything like a clear idea of the real state of the case.
"Weren't you married? Aren't you a widow?" he asked suddenly, finally beginning to understand the actual situation.
"No! May God forgive me, and help me!" exclaimed she, as she saw a strange look of repugnance cloud over the boy's face, and felt a slight motion on his part to extricate himself from her hold. It was as slight, as transient as it could be—over in an instant. But she had taken her hands away, and covered up her face with them as quickly—covered up her face in shame before her child; and in the bitterness of her heart she was wailing out, "Oh, would to God I had died—that I had died as a baby—that I had died as a little baby hanging at my mother's breast!"
"No! May God forgive me and help me!" she exclaimed as she saw a strange look of disgust cross the boy's face and felt a slight movement from him as he tried to pull away from her grip. It was as brief and fleeting as it could be—over in an instant. But she quickly took her hands away and covered her face with them just as fast—hiding her face in shame before her child; and in the bitterness of her heart, she wailed, "Oh, I wish to God I had died—that I had died as a baby—that I had died as a little baby hanging at my mother's breast!"
"Mother," said Leonard, timidly putting his hand on her arm; but she shrunk from him, and continued her low, passionate wailing. "Mother," said he, after a pause, coming nearer, though she saw it not—"mammy darling," said he, using the caressing name, which he had been trying to drop as not sufficiently manly, "mammy, my own, own dear, dear, darling mother, I don't believe them—I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't!" He broke out into a wild burst of crying as he said this. In a moment her arms were round the poor boy, and she was hushing him up like a baby on her bosom. "Hush, Leonard! Leonard, be still, my child! I have been too sudden with you!—I have done you harm—oh! I have done you nothing but harm," cried she, in a tone of bitter self-reproach.
"Mom," Leonard said, timidly placing his hand on her arm; but she recoiled from him and continued her quiet, passionate crying. "Mom," he said after a pause, moving closer, though she didn't notice—"mommy darling," he said, using the affectionate name he had been trying to drop as not manly enough, "mommy, my own, own dear, dear, darling mother, I don't believe them—I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't!" He broke into a wild fit of crying as he said this. In a moment, her arms were around the poor boy, and she was soothing him like a baby on her chest. "Hush, Leonard! Leonard, be quiet, my child! I have been too abrupt with you!—I have harmed you—oh! I have done nothing but harm you," she cried in a tone full of bitter self-blame.
"No, mother," said he, stopping his tears, and his eyes blazing out with earnestness; "there never was such a mother as you have been to me, and I won't believe any one who says it. I won't; and I'll knock them down if they say it again, I will!" He clenched his fist, with a fierce, defiant look on his face.
"No, Mom," he said, wiping his tears and looking at her with intense seriousness. "There’s never been a mother as amazing as you are to me, and I won’t believe anyone who tells me otherwise. I won’t! And I’ll stand up to them if they say it again, I really will!" He clenched his fist, wearing a fierce, defiant expression.
"You forget, my child," said Ruth, in the sweetest, saddest tone that ever was heard, "I said it of myself; I said it because it was true." Leonard threw his arms tight round her, and hid his face against her bosom. She felt him pant there like some hunted creature. She had no soothing comfort to give him. "Oh, that she and he lay dead!"
"You forget, my child," Ruth said in the sweetest, saddest tone ever heard, "I said it about myself; I said it because it was true." Leonard wrapped his arms around her tightly and buried his face against her chest. She felt him gasp there like a hunted animal. She had no comforting words to offer him. "Oh, how I wish they were both dead!"
At last, exhausted, he lay so still and motionless, that she feared to look. She wanted him to speak, yet dreaded his first words. She kissed his hair, his head, his very clothes, murmuring low, inarticulate, moaning sounds.
At last, worn out, he lay so still and motionless that she was afraid to look. She wanted him to speak but also dreaded his first words. She kissed his hair, his head, his very clothes, murmuring soft, inarticulate, moaning sounds.
"Leonard," said she, "Leonard, look up at me! Leonard, look up!" But he only clung the closer, and hid his face the more.
"Leonard," she said, "Leonard, look up at me! Leonard, look up!" But he just clung tighter and hid his face even more.
"My boy!" said she, "what can I do or say? If I tell you never to mind it—that it is nothing—I tell you false. It is a bitter shame and a sorrow that I have drawn down upon you. A shame, Leonard, because of me, your mother; but, Leonard, it is no disgrace or lowering of you in the eyes of God." She spoke now as if she had found the clue which might lead him to rest and strength at last. "Remember that, always. Remember that, when the time of trial comes—and it seems a hard and cruel thing that you should be called reproachful names by men, and all for what was no fault of yours—remember God's pity and God's justice; and though my sin shall have made you an outcast in the world—oh, my child, my child!"—(she felt him kiss her, as if mutely trying to comfort her—it gave her strength to go on)—"remember, darling of my heart, it is only your own sin that can make you an outcast from God."
"My boy!" she said, "what can I do or say? If I tell you not to worry about it—that it’s nothing—I’d be lying. It’s a bitter shame and sorrow that I’ve brought upon you. A shame, Leonard, because of me, your mother; but, Leonard, it’s not a disgrace or a reflection of you in God’s eyes." She now spoke as if she had found the key that might finally lead him to peace and strength. "Always remember that. Remember it when the time of trial comes—and it seems so hard and cruel that you should be called hurtful names by others, all for something that wasn’t your fault—remember God’s compassion and God’s justice; and even if my sin has made you an outcast in the world—oh, my child, my child!"—(she felt him kiss her, as if silently trying to comfort her—it gave her the strength to continue)—"remember, darling of my heart, it’s only your own sin that can make you an outcast from God."
She grew so faint that her hold of him relaxed. He looked up affrighted. He brought her water—he threw it over her; in his terror at the notion that she was going to die and leave him, he called her by every fond name, imploring her to open her eyes.
She grew so weak that her grip on him loosened. He looked up, scared. He got her water—he splashed it on her; in his panic at the thought that she might die and leave him, he called her all sorts of loving names, begging her to open her eyes.
When she partially recovered, he helped her to the bed, on which she lay still, wan and death-like. She almost hoped the swoon that hung around her might be Death, and in that imagination she opened her eyes to take a last look at her boy. She saw him pale and terror-stricken; and pity for his affright roused her, and made her forget herself in the wish that he should not see her death, if she were indeed dying.
When she partially came to, he assisted her to the bed, where she lay motionless, pale, and looking lifeless. She almost wished that the faintness surrounding her could be Death, and in that thought, she opened her eyes to take one last look at her son. She saw him looking pale and terrified; and feeling pity for his fear stirred something inside her, making her forget her own condition as she hoped he wouldn’t witness her death, if she truly was dying.
"Go to Aunt Faith!" whispered she; "I am weary, and want sleep."
"Go to Aunt Faith!" she whispered; "I'm tired and need to sleep."
Leonard arose slowly and reluctantly. She tried to smile upon him, that what she thought would be her last look might dwell in his remembrance as tender and strong; she watched him to the door; she saw him hesitate, and return to her. He came back to her, and said in a timid, apprehensive tone:
Leonard got up slowly and with hesitation. She attempted to smile at him, hoping that what she believed would be her final look would stay in his memory as both warm and powerful; she watched him as he walked to the door; she noticed him pause and then come back to her. He returned to her and spoke in a nervous, uncertain tone:
"Mother—will they speak to me about—it?"
"Mom—will they talk to me about—it?"
Ruth closed her eyes, that they might not express the agony she felt, like a sharp knife, at this question. Leonard had asked it with a child's desire of avoiding painful and mysterious topics,—from no personal sense of shame as she understood it, shame beginning thus early, thus instantaneously.
Ruth closed her eyes so they wouldn't show the pain she felt, sharp like a knife, from this question. Leonard had asked it with a child's eagerness to steer clear of painful and confusing subjects—without any personal sense of shame as she saw it, shame starting this early, this instantly.
"No," she replied. "You may be sure they will not."
"No," she replied. "You can be sure they won't."
So he went. But now she would have been thankful for the unconsciousness of fainting; that one little speech bore so much meaning to her hot, irritable brain. Mr and Miss Benson, all in their house, would never speak to the boy—but in his home alone would he be safe from what he had already learnt to dread. Every form in which shame and opprobrium could overwhelm her darling, haunted her. She had been exercising strong self-control for his sake ever since she had met him at the house-door; there was now a reaction. His presence had kept her mind on its perfect balance. When that was withdrawn, the effect of the strain of power was felt. And athwart the fever-mists that arose to obscure her judgment, all sorts of will-o'-the-wisp plans flittered before her; tempting her to this and that course of action—to anything rather than patient endurance—to relieve her present state of misery by some sudden spasmodic effort, that took the semblance of being wise and right. Gradually all her desires, all her longing, settled themselves on one point. What had she done—what could she do, to Leonard, but evil? If she were away, and gone no one knew where—lost in mystery, as if she were dead—perhaps the cruel hearts might relent, and show pity on Leonard; while her perpetual presence would but call up the remembrance of his birth. Thus she reasoned in her hot, dull brain; and shaped her plans in accordance.
So he left. But now she would have been grateful for the numbness of fainting; that one little speech meant so much to her heated, irritable mind. Mr. and Miss Benson, all under their roof, would never talk to the boy—but in his own home, he would be safe from what he had already learned to fear. Every way shame and disgrace could overwhelm her darling haunted her. She had been exercising strong self-control for his sake ever since she met him at the door; now there was a reaction. His presence had kept her mind perfectly balanced. Once that was gone, the strain of maintaining control hit her. And through the feverish haze obscuring her judgment, all sorts of wild ideas flitted in front of her; tempting her to take this action or that—to do anything rather than just endure patiently—to ease her current misery with some impulsive act that seemed smart and right. Gradually, all her desires and longings focused on one thing. What had she done—what could she do to Leonard, but cause harm? If she were gone, vanished without a trace—lost in mystery, as if she were dead—maybe the cold-hearted people would soften and show kindness to Leonard; while her constant presence would only remind them of his birth. That's how she reasoned in her heated, muddled mind; and shaped her plans accordingly.
Leonard stole downstairs noiselessly. He listened to find some quiet place where he could hide himself. The house was very still. Miss Benson thought the purposed expedition had taken place, and never dreamed but that Ruth and Leonard were on distant, sunny Scaurside-hill; and after a very early dinner, she had set out to drink tea with a farmer's wife who lived in the country two or three miles off. Mr Benson meant to have gone with her; but while they were at dinner, he had received an unusually authoritative note from Mr Bradshaw desiring to speak with him, so he went to that gentleman's house instead. Sally was busy in her kitchen, making a great noise (not unlike a groom rubbing down a horse) over her cleaning. Leonard stole into the sitting-room, and crouched behind the large old-fashioned sofa to ease his sore, aching heart, by crying with all the prodigal waste and abandonment of childhood.
Leonard crept downstairs quietly. He listened for a spot where he could hide. The house was very quiet. Miss Benson assumed the planned outing had happened and had no idea that Ruth and Leonard were far away on sunny Scaurside Hill; after an early dinner, she had gone to have tea with a farmer's wife who lived a couple of miles away. Mr. Benson intended to go with her, but while they were having dinner, he received an unusually urgent note from Mr. Bradshaw asking to speak with him, so he headed to Mr. Bradshaw's house instead. Sally was in the kitchen, making a lot of noise (somewhat like a groom brushing down a horse) while she cleaned. Leonard slipped into the sitting room and crouched behind the large old-fashioned sofa to soothe his sore, aching heart by crying with all the raw emotion and freedom of childhood.
Mr Benson was shown into Mr Bradshaw's own particular room. The latter gentleman was walking up and down, and it was easy to perceive that something had occurred to chafe him to great anger.
Mr. Benson was taken into Mr. Bradshaw's personal room. The latter gentleman was pacing back and forth, and it was clear that something had happened to irritate him greatly.
"Sit down, sir!" said he to Mr Benson, nodding to a chair.
"Please take a seat, sir!" he said to Mr. Benson, gesturing to a chair.
Mr Benson sat down. But Mr Bradshaw continued his walk for a few minutes longer without speaking. Then he stopped abruptly, right in front of Mr Benson; and in a voice which he tried to render calm, but which trembled with passion—with a face glowing purple as he thought of his wrongs (and real wrongs they were), he began:
Mr. Benson sat down. But Mr. Bradshaw kept walking for a few more minutes without saying anything. Then he suddenly stopped right in front of Mr. Benson and, in a voice he tried to keep steady but that shook with emotion—with a face flushed purple as he thought about his grievances (and they were genuine grievances), he began:
"Mr Benson, I have sent for you to ask—I am almost too indignant at the bare suspicion to speak as becomes me—but did you—I really shall be obliged to beg your pardon, if you are as much in the dark as I was yesterday as to the character of that woman who lives under your roof?"
"Mr. Benson, I called you here because I’m so upset by the mere thought that I might have to ask this—but did you—I’m going to need to apologize if you’re as confused as I was yesterday about the character of that woman living in your house?"
There was no answer from Mr Benson. Mr Bradshaw looked at him very earnestly. His eyes were fixed on the ground—he made no inquiry—he uttered no expression of wonder or dismay. Mr Bradshaw ground his foot on the floor with gathering rage; but just as he was about to speak, Mr Benson rose up—a poor deformed old man—before the stern and portly figure that was swelling and panting with passion.
There was no response from Mr. Benson. Mr. Bradshaw looked at him intently. His eyes were glued to the ground—he asked no questions—he showed no signs of curiosity or shock. Mr. Bradshaw stomped his foot on the floor in growing anger; but just as he was about to say something, Mr. Benson stood up—a frail, deformed old man—before the stern and heavyset figure that was swelling and breathing hard with rage.
"Hear me, sir!" (stretching out his hand as if to avert the words which were impending). "Nothing you can say, can upbraid me like my own conscience; no degradation you can inflict, by word or deed, can come up to the degradation I have suffered for years, at being a party to a deceit, even for a good end—"
"Hear me, sir!" (stretching out his hand as if to ward off the words that were about to be spoken). "Nothing you say can shame me like my own conscience; no humiliation you can cause, by word or action, can compare to the humiliation I've endured for years for being part of a deception, even for a good end
"For a good end!—Nay! what next?"
"For a good ending!—No! What's next?"
The taunting contempt with which Mr Bradshaw spoke these words almost surprised himself by what he imagined must be its successful power of withering; but in spite of it, Mr Benson lifted his grave eyes to Mr Bradshaw's countenance, and repeated:
The mocking disdain with which Mr. Bradshaw said these words almost shocked him by what he thought would be its effective ability to crush; but despite that, Mr. Benson raised his serious eyes to Mr. Bradshaw's face and said:
"For a good end. The end was not, as perhaps you consider it to have been, to obtain her admission into your family—nor yet to put her in the way of gaining her livelihood; my sister and I would willingly have shared what we have with her; it was our intention to do so at first, if not for any length of time, at least as long as her health might require it. Why I advised (perhaps I only yielded to advice) a change of name—an assumption of a false state of widowhood—was because I earnestly desired to place her in circumstances in which she might work out her self-redemption; and you, sir, know how terribly the world goes against all such as have sinned as Ruth did. She was so young, too."
"For a good outcome. The goal wasn’t, as you might think, to get her accepted into your family—or to help her make a living; my sister and I would have gladly shared what we have with her. We meant to do that at first, if not for a long time, then at least for as long as her health needed it. The reason I suggested (maybe I just followed someone else’s suggestion) a new name—pretending she was a widow—was because I really wanted to put her in a position where she could find her own redemption; and you, sir, know how harsh the world can be towards those who have sinned like Ruth did. She was so young, too."
"You mistake, sir; my acquaintance has not lain so much among that class of sinners as to give me much experience of the way in which they are treated. But, judging from what I have seen, I should say they meet with full as much leniency as they deserve; and supposing they do not—I know there are plenty of sickly sentimentalists just now who reserve all their interest and regard for criminals—why not pick out one of these to help you in your task of washing the blackamoor white? Why choose me to be imposed upon—my household into which to intrude your protégée? Why were my innocent children to be exposed to corruption? I say," said Mr Bradshaw, stamping his foot, "how dared you come into this house, where you were looked upon as a minister of religion, with a lie in your mouth? How dared you single me out, of all people, to be gulled and deceived, and pointed at through the town as the person who had taken an abandoned woman into his house to teach his daughters?"
"You’re mistaken, sir; I haven’t had much experience with that kind of sinner to really know how they’re treated. But from what I’ve seen, I'd say they get about as much leniency as they deserve; and even if they don’t—I know there are plenty of overly sentimental people right now who only care about criminals—why not choose one of them to help you in your task of reforming the unworthy? Why pick me to be taken advantage of—my household to dump your troubled case into? Why should my innocent children be exposed to corruption? I say," Mr. Bradshaw exclaimed, stamping his foot, "how dare you come into this house, where you were seen as a minister of religion, with a lie on your lips? How dare you choose me, of all people, to be fooled and deceived, and pointed at throughout the town as the person who took in a fallen woman to teach his daughters?"
"I own my deceit was wrong and faithless."
"I admit that my deception was wrong and untrustworthy."
"Yes! you can own it, now it is found out! There is small merit in that, I think!"
"Yes! You can own it; now it's been discovered! I don't think there's much value in that!"
"Sir! I claim no merit. I take shame to myself. I did not single you out. You applied to me with your proposal that Ruth should be your children's governess."
"Sir! I don’t take any credit. I feel ashamed. I didn’t choose you specifically. You came to me with your suggestion that Ruth should be your children's governess."
"Pah!"
"Pfft!"
"And the temptation was too great— No! I will not say that—but the temptation was greater than I could stand—it seemed to open out a path of usefulness."
"And the temptation was too strong— No! I won’t say that—but the temptation was more than I could resist—it felt like it opened up a way to be useful."
"Now, don't let me hear you speak so," said Mr Bradshaw, blazing up. "I can't stand it. It is too much to talk in that way when the usefulness was to consist in contaminating my innocent girls."
"Now, don't let me hear you talk like that," Mr. Bradshaw said, getting angry. "I can't take it. It's too much to speak like that when the goal was to corrupt my innocent girls."
"God knows that if I had believed there had been any danger of such contamination—God knows how I would have died sooner than have allowed her to enter your family. Mr Bradshaw, you believe me, don't you?" asked Mr Benson, earnestly.
"God knows that if I had thought there was any risk of such contamination—God knows I would have rather died than let her join your family. Mr. Bradshaw, you believe me, right?" Mr. Benson asked earnestly.
"I really must be allowed the privilege of doubting what you say in future," said Mr Bradshaw, in a cold, contemptuous manner.
"I really need to be allowed the privilege of questioning what you say from now on," said Mr. Bradshaw, in a cold, disdainful way.
"I have deserved this," Mr Benson replied. "But," continued he, after a moment's pause, "I will not speak of myself, but of Ruth. Surely, sir, the end I aimed at (the means I took to obtain it were wrong; you cannot feel that more than I do) was a right one; and you will not—you cannot say, that your children have suffered from associating with her. I had her in my family, under the watchful eyes of three anxious persons for a year or more; we saw faults—no human being is without them—and poor Ruth's were but slight venial errors; but we saw no sign of a corrupt mind—no glimpse of boldness or forwardness—no token of want of conscientiousness; she seemed, and was, a young and gentle girl, who had been led astray before she fairly knew what life was."
"I deserve this," Mr. Benson replied. "But," he continued after a brief pause, "I won’t talk about myself, but about Ruth. Surely, sir, the goal I aimed for (the way I went about it was wrong; you can't feel that more than I do) was a good one; and you won’t—you can’t say that your children have suffered from being around her. I had her in my home, under the careful watch of three concerned people for a year or so; we noticed flaws—no one is without them—and poor Ruth’s were just minor mistakes; but we saw no sign of a corrupt mind—no hint of boldness or forwardness—no indication of a lack of morals; she seemed, and truly was, a young and gentle girl who had been misled before she even understood what life was about."
"I suppose most depraved women have been innocent in their time," said Mr Bradshaw, with bitter contempt.
"I guess most messed-up women were innocent at one point," said Mr. Bradshaw, with harsh disdain.
"Oh, Mr Bradshaw! Ruth was not depraved, and you know it. You cannot have seen her—have known her daily, all these years, without acknowledging that!" Mr Benson was almost breathless, awaiting Mr Bradshaw's answer. The quiet self-control which he had maintained so long, was gone now.
"Oh, Mr. Bradshaw! Ruth wasn't depraved, and you know it. You can't have seen her—known her every day, all these years, without recognizing that!" Mr. Benson was nearly breathless, waiting for Mr. Bradshaw's response. The calm self-control he had kept for so long was gone now.
"I saw her daily—I did not know her. If I had known her, I should have known she was fallen and depraved, and consequently not fit to come into my house, nor to associate with my pure children."
"I saw her every day—I did not know her. If I had known her, I would have realized she was corrupt and morally unfit, and therefore not suitable to enter my home or associate with my innocent children."
"Now I wish God would give me power to speak out convincingly what I believe to be His truth, that not every woman who has fallen is depraved; that many—how many the Great Judgment Day will reveal to those who have shaken off the poor, sore, penitent hearts on earth—many, many crave and hunger after a chance for virtue—the help which no man gives to them—help—that gentle, tender help which Jesus gave once to Mary Magdalen." Mr Benson was almost choked by his own feelings.
"Now I wish God would give me the ability to express convincingly what I believe to be His truth: that not every woman who has stumbled is hopeless; that many—how many the Great Judgment Day will show to those who have abandoned the poor, grief-stricken, repentant souls on earth—many, many desire and long for a chance at virtue—the support that no man offers them—support—that gentle, compassionate help that Jesus once gave to Mary Magdalene." Mr. Benson was nearly overwhelmed by his own emotions.
"Come, come, Mr Benson, let us have no more of this morbid way of talking. The world has decided how such women are to be treated; and, you may depend upon it, there is so much practical wisdom in the world that its way of acting is right in the long run, and that no one can fly in its face with impunity, unless, indeed, they stoop to deceit and imposition."
"Come on, Mr. Benson, let’s stop talking like this. The world has made up its mind about how these women should be treated; and trust me, there’s a lot of common sense in the world, so its way of doing things is ultimately the right one. No one can go against it without facing consequences, unless they resort to dishonesty and trickery."
"I take my stand with Christ against the world," said Mr Benson, solemnly, disregarding the covert allusion to himself. "What have the world's ways ended in? Can we be much worse than we are?"
"I stand with Christ against the world," Mr. Benson said seriously, ignoring the subtle reference to himself. "What have the ways of the world led to? Can we really be any worse than we already are?"
"Speak for yourself, if you please."
"Speak for yourself, if you don’t mind."
"Is it not time to change some of our ways of thinking and acting? I declare before God, that if I believe in any one human truth, it is this—that to every woman who, like Ruth, has sinned, should be given a chance of self-redemption—and that such a chance should be given in no supercilious or contemptuous manner, but in the spirit of the holy Christ."
"Isn't it time to change some of our ways of thinking and acting? I declare before God that if I believe in any human truth, it’s this—that every woman who, like Ruth, has sinned deserves a chance for self-redemption—and that chance should be given without any arrogance or disdain, but in the spirit of the holy Christ."
"Such as getting her into a friend's house under false colours."
"Like getting her into a friend's house under false pretenses."
"I do not argue on Ruth's case. In that I have acknowledged my error. I do not argue on any case. I state my firm belief, that it is God's will that we should not dare to trample any of His creatures down to the hopeless dust; that it is God's will that the women who have fallen should be numbered among those who have broken hearts to be bound up, not cast aside as lost beyond recall. If this be God's will, as a thing of God it will stand; and He will open a way."
"I don't debate Ruth's situation. I've admitted my mistake in that regard. I don't argue about any situation. I express my strong belief that it's God's will for us not to trample any of His creations into the ground; that it's God's will for the women who have fallen to be among those with broken hearts that need healing, not to be discarded as if they are lost forever. If this is God's will, as something divine it will endure; and He will make a way."
"I should have attached much more importance to all your exhortation on this point if I could have respected your conduct in other matters. As it is, when I see a man who has deluded himself into considering falsehood right, I am disinclined to take his opinion on subjects connected with morality; and I can no longer regard him as a fitting exponent of the will of God. You perhaps understand what I mean, Mr Benson. I can no longer attend your chapel."
"I should have paid a lot more attention to everything you've urged about this if I could have respected how you handle other issues. As it stands, when I see someone who has tricked himself into believing that lying is acceptable, I'm not inclined to value his views on moral matters; I can no longer see him as a proper representative of God's will. You probably get what I'm saying, Mr. Benson. I can't attend your chapel anymore."
If Mr Benson had felt any hope of making Mr Bradshaw's obstinate mind receive the truth, that he acknowledged and repented of his connivance at the falsehood by means of which Ruth had been received into the Bradshaw family, this last sentence prevented his making the attempt. He simply bowed and took his leave—Mr Bradshaw attending him to the door with formal ceremony.
If Mr. Benson had held any hope of convincing Mr. Bradshaw's stubborn mind to accept the truth—that he recognized and regretted his role in the deception that allowed Ruth to be accepted into the Bradshaw family—this last sentence stopped him from trying. He just bowed and left, with Mr. Bradshaw seeing him to the door in a formal manner.
He felt acutely the severance of the tie which Mr Bradshaw had just announced to him. He had experienced many mortifications in his intercourse with that gentleman, but they had fallen off from his meek spirit like drops of water from a bird's plumage; and now he only remembered the acts of substantial kindness rendered (the ostentation all forgotten)—many happy hours and pleasant evenings—the children whom he had loved dearer than he thought till now—the young people about whom he had cared, and whom he had striven to lead aright. He was but a young man when Mr Bradshaw first came to his chapel; they had grown old together; he had never recognised Mr Bradshaw as an old familiar friend so completely as now when they were severed.
He acutely felt the break in the connection that Mr. Bradshaw had just informed him about. He had gone through many embarrassing moments in his interactions with that man, but they had rolled off his gentle spirit like water from a bird's feathers; and now he only recalled the genuine kindness shown to him (the showiness all forgotten)—the many happy hours and enjoyable evenings—the children he had loved more than he realized until now—the young people he had cared for and tried to guide in the right direction. He was still quite young when Mr. Bradshaw first came to his chapel; they had grown older together; he had never recognized Mr. Bradshaw as an old, familiar friend as clearly as he did now that they were apart.
It was with a heavy heart that he opened his own door. He went to his study immediately; he sat down to steady himself into his position.
It was with a heavy heart that he opened his door. He went straight to his study; he sat down to steady himself in his chair.
How long he was there—silent and alone—reviewing his life—confessing his sins—he did not know; but he heard some unusual sound in the house that disturbed him—roused him to present life. A slow, languid step came along the passage to the front door—the breathing was broken by many sighs.
How long he was there—silent and alone—thinking about his life—acknowledging his mistakes—he didn’t know; but he heard an unusual sound in the house that upset him—brought him back to the present. A slow, tired step came down the hallway to the front door—the breathing was interrupted by several sighs.
Ruth's hand was on the latch when Mr Benson came out. Her face was very white, except two red spots on each cheek—her eyes were deep-sunk and hollow, but glittered with feverish lustre. "Ruth!" exclaimed he. She moved her lips, but her throat and mouth were too dry for her to speak.
Ruth's hand was on the latch when Mr. Benson came out. Her face was very pale, except for two red spots on her cheeks—her eyes were deep-set and hollow, yet sparkled with a feverish glow. "Ruth!" he exclaimed. She moved her lips, but her throat and mouth were too dry for her to speak.
"Where are you going?" asked he; for she had all her walking things on, yet trembled so, even as she stood, that it was evident she could not walk far without falling.
"Where are you going?" he asked; she was dressed for a walk, yet she trembled so much as she stood that it was clear she couldn't walk far without falling.
She hesitated—she looked up at him, still with the same dry glittering eyes. At last she whispered (for she could only speak in a whisper), "To Helmsby—I am going to Helmsby."
She paused—she looked up at him, still with the same dry, sparkling eyes. Finally, she whispered (since she could only speak in a whisper), "I'm going to Helmsby."
"Helmsby! my poor girl—may God have mercy upon you!" for he saw she hardly knew what she was saying. "Where is Helmsby?"
"Helmsby! My poor girl—may God have mercy on you!" for he saw she barely knew what she was saying. "Where is Helmsby?"
"I don't know. In Lincolnshire, I think."
"I don't know. I think it's in Lincolnshire."
"But why are you going there?"
"But why are you going there?"
"Hush! he's asleep," said she, as Mr Benson had unconsciously raised his voice.
"Hush! He's asleep," she said, as Mr. Benson had unconsciously raised his voice.
"Who is asleep?" asked Mr Benson.
"Who's sleeping?" Mr. Benson asked.
"That poor little boy," said she, beginning to quiver and cry.
"That poor little boy," she said, starting to shake and cry.
"Come here!" said he, authoritatively, drawing her into the study.
"Come here!" he said firmly, pulling her into the study.
"Sit down in that chair. I will come back directly."
"Take a seat in that chair. I'll be right back."
He went in search of his sister, but she had not returned. Then he had recourse to Sally, who was as busy as ever about her cleaning.
He went looking for his sister, but she hadn't come back. Then he turned to Sally, who was as busy as always with her cleaning.
"How long has Ruth been at home?" asked he.
"How long has Ruth been home?" he asked.
"Ruth! She has never been at home sin' morning. She and Leonard were to be off for the day somewhere or other with them Bradshaw girls."
"Ruth! She hasn't been home since this morning. She and Leonard were supposed to spend the day somewhere with those Bradshaw girls."
"Then she has had no dinner?"
"Then she hasn't had any dinner?"
"Not here, at any rate. I can't answer for what she may have done at other places."
"Not here, for sure. I can't speak to what she might have done elsewhere."
"And Leonard—where is he?"
"Where's Leonard?"
"How should I know? With his mother, I suppose. Leastways, that was what was fixed on. I've enough to do of my own, without routing after other folks."
"How should I know? Probably with his mom. At least, that’s what was decided. I’ve got enough on my plate without chasing after other people."
She went on scouring in no very good temper. Mr Benson stood silent for a moment.
She continued searching in a not-so-great mood. Mr. Benson stayed quiet for a moment.
"Sally," he said, "I want a cup of tea. Will you make it as soon as you can; and some dry toast too? I'll come for it in ten minutes."
"Sally," he said, "I want a cup of tea. Can you make it as soon as you can? And some dry toast too? I'll be there in ten minutes."
Struck by something in his voice, she looked up at him for the first time.
Struck by something in his voice, she looked up at him for the first time.
"What ha' ye been doing to yourself, to look so grim and grey? Tiring yourself all to tatters, looking after some naught, I'll be bound! Well! well! I mun make ye your tea, I reckon; but I did hope as you grew older you'd ha' grown wiser!"
"What have you been doing to yourself to look so grim and gray? Overworking yourself, taking care of something pointless, I’m sure! Well! Well! I guess I’ll make you your tea; but I really hoped that as you got older you would have become wiser!"
Mr Benson made no reply, but went to look for Leonard, hoping that the child's presence might bring back to his mother the power of self-control. He opened the parlour-door, and looked in, but saw no one. Just as he was shutting it, however, he heard a deep, broken, sobbing sigh; and, guided by the sound, he found the boy lying on the floor, fast asleep, but with his features all swollen and disfigured by passionate crying.
Mr. Benson didn’t say anything but went to search for Leonard, hoping that having the child around might help his mother regain her self-control. He opened the parlor door and looked inside but saw no one. Just as he was about to close it, though, he heard a deep, broken sob. Following the sound, he found the boy lying on the floor, fast asleep, but with his face all swollen and distorted from crying so hard.
"Poor child! This was what she meant, then," thought Mr Benson. "He has begun his share of the sorrows too," he continued, pitifully. "No! I will not waken him back to consciousness." So he returned alone into the study. Ruth sat where he had placed her, her head bent back, and her eyes shut. But when he came in she started up.
"Poor kid! So this is what she meant," thought Mr. Benson. "He's starting to face his own struggles too," he added, sadly. "No! I won't bring him back to reality." With that, he went back into the study alone. Ruth was sitting where he had left her, her head tilted back and her eyes closed. But when he walked in, she jolted up.
"I must be going," she said, in a hurried way.
"I have to go," she said quickly.
"Nay, Ruth, you must not go. You must not leave us. We cannot do without you. We love you too much."
"Nah, Ruth, you can’t go. You can’t leave us. We can’t manage without you. We love you way too much."
"Love me!" said she, looking at him wistfully. As she looked, her eyes filled slowly with tears. It was a good sign, and Mr Benson took heart to go on.
"Love me!" she said, gazing at him longingly. As she looked, her eyes gradually filled with tears. It was a good sign, and Mr. Benson felt encouraged to continue.
"Yes! Ruth. You know we do. You may have other things to fill up your mind just now, but you know we love you; and nothing can alter our love for you. You ought not to have thought of leaving us. You would not, if you had been quite well."
"Yes! Ruth. You know we do. You might have other things on your mind right now, but you know we love you; and nothing can change that love. You shouldn't have thought about leaving us. You wouldn't have, if you had been feeling completely well."
"Do you know what has happened?" she asked, in a low, hoarse voice.
"Do you know what happened?" she asked, in a quiet, raspy voice.
"Yes. I know all," he answered. "It makes no difference to us. Why should it?"
"Yeah. I know everything," he replied. "It doesn't matter to us. Why should it?"
"Oh! Mr Benson, don't you know that my shame is discovered?" she replied, bursting into tears—"and I must leave you, and leave Leonard, that you may not share in my disgrace."
"Oh! Mr. Benson, don’t you realize that my shame is out in the open?" she said, breaking down in tears—"and I have to leave you, and leave Leonard, so you won’t be part of my disgrace."
"You must do no such thing. Leave Leonard! You have no right to leave Leonard. Where could you go to?"
"You can't do that. Leave Leonard! You have no right to leave Leonard. Where else would you go?"
"To Helmsby," she said, humbly. "It would break my heart to go, but I think I ought, for Leonard's sake. I know I ought." She was crying sadly by this time, but Mr Benson knew the flow of tears would ease her brain. "It will break my heart to go, but I know I must."
"To Helmsby," she said quietly. "It would really hurt to leave, but I think I should, for Leonard's sake. I know I should." By now, she was crying sadly, but Mr. Benson understood that letting the tears flow would help clear her mind. "It will really hurt to leave, but I know I have to."
"Sit still here at present," said he, in a decided tone of command. He went for the cup of tea. He brought it to her without Sally's being aware for whom it was intended.
"Stay here for a moment," he said in a firm tone. He went to get the cup of tea and brought it to her without Sally knowing who it was for.
"Drink this!" He spoke as you would do to a child, if desiring it to take medicine. "Eat some toast." She took the tea, and drank it feverishly; but when she tried to eat, the food seemed to choke her. Still she was docile, and she tried.
"Drink this!" he said in a tone you'd use with a child who needs to take medicine. "Eat some toast." She grabbed the tea and drank it quickly; but when she tried to eat, the food felt like it was sticking in her throat. Still, she was obedient, and she gave it a shot.
"I cannot," said she at last, putting down the piece of toast. There was a return to something of her usual tone in the words. She spoke gently and softly; no longer in the shrill, hoarse voice she had used at first. Mr Benson sat down by her.
"I can't," she finally said, setting down the piece of toast. Her words had a hint of her usual tone. She spoke gently and softly, no longer in the sharp, hoarse voice she had used earlier. Mr. Benson sat down beside her.
"Now, Ruth, we must talk a little together. I want to understand what your plan was. Where is Helmsby? Why did you fix to go there?"
"Now, Ruth, we need to have a little chat. I want to understand what your plan was. Where is Helmsby? Why did you decide to go there?"
"It is where my mother lived," she answered. "Before she was married she lived there; and wherever she lived, the people all loved her dearly; and I thought—I think, that for her sake some one would give me work. I meant to tell them the truth," said she, dropping her eyes; "but still they would, perhaps, give me some employment—I don't care what—for her sake. I could do many things," said she, suddenly looking up. "I am sure I could weed—I could in gardens—if they did not like to have me in their houses. But perhaps some one, for my mother's sake—oh! my dear, dear mother!—do you know where and what I am?" she cried out, sobbing afresh.
"It’s where my mom lived," she replied. "Before she got married, she lived there; and wherever she went, everyone loved her dearly. I thought—I still think—that someone would give me a job because of her. I intended to be honest with them," she said, looking down; "but maybe they would still hire me for her sake. I don't care what kind of work it is. I could do a lot of things," she said, suddenly looking up. "I'm sure I could do some weeding—I could in gardens—if they didn’t want me in their homes. But maybe someone would give me a chance for my mom’s sake—oh! my dear, dear mom!—do you know who I am and what I’m going through?" she exclaimed, sobbing again.
Mr Benson's heart was very sore, though he spoke authoritatively, and almost sternly.
Mr. Benson's heart was very heavy, even though he spoke with authority and a hint of seriousness.
"Ruth! you must be still and quiet. I cannot have this. I want you to listen to me. Your thought of Helmsby would be a good one, if it was right for you to leave Eccleston; but I do not think it is. I am certain of this, that it would be a great sin in you to separate yourself from Leonard. You have no right to sever the tie by which God has bound you together."
"Ruth! You need to be calm and quiet. I can't have this chaos. I want you to really listen to me. Your idea of Helmsby would be good if it were right for you to leave Eccleston, but I don't think it is. I'm sure of one thing: it would be a big mistake for you to separate from Leonard. You have no right to break the bond that God has created between you."
"But if I am here they will all know and remember the shame of his birth; and if I go away they may forget—"
"But if I'm here, they'll all know and remember the shame of his birth; and if I leave, they might forget—"
"And they may not. And if you go away, he may be unhappy or ill; and you, who above all others have—and have from God—remember that, Ruth!—the power to comfort him, the tender patience to nurse him, have left him to the care of strangers. Yes; I know! But we ourselves are as strangers, dearly as we love him, compared to a mother. He may turn to sin, and want the long forbearance, the serene authority of a parent; and where are you? No dread of shame, either for yourself, or even for him, can ever make it right for you to shake off your responsibility." All this time he was watching her narrowly, and saw her slowly yield herself up to the force of what he was saying.
"And they might not. And if you leave, he could become unhappy or unwell; and you, who above all others have—and have from God—remember that, Ruth!—the ability to comfort him, the gentle patience to care for him, have left him with strangers. Yes; I know! But we are like strangers too, no matter how much we love him, compared to a mother. He might turn to sin and need the long-lasting patience, the calm authority of a parent; and where will you be? No fear of shame, for yourself or even for him, can ever make it right for you to escape your responsibility." All this time, he was observing her closely and saw her gradually submit to the weight of what he was saying.
"Besides, Ruth," he continued, "we have gone on falsely hitherto. It has been my doing, my mistake, my sin. I ought to have known better. Now, let us stand firm on the truth. You have no new fault to repent of. Be brave and faithful. It is to God you answer, not to men. The shame of having your sin known to the world, should be as nothing to the shame you felt at having sinned. We have dreaded men too much, and God too little, in the course we have taken. But now be of good cheer. Perhaps you will have to find your work in the world very low—not quite working in the fields," said he, with a gentle smile, to which she, downcast and miserable, could give no response. "Nay, perhaps, Ruth," he went on, "you may have to stand and wait for some time; no one may be willing to use the services you would gladly render; all may turn aside from you, and may speak very harshly of you. Can you accept all this treatment meekly, as but the reasonable and just penance God has laid upon you—feeling no anger against those who slight you, no impatience for the time to come (and come it surely will—I speak as having the word of God for what I say) when He, having purified you, even as by fire, will make a straight path for your feet? My child, it is Christ the Lord who has told us of this infinite mercy of God. Have you faith enough in it to be brave, and bear on, and do rightly in patience and in tribulation?"
"Besides, Ruth," he continued, "we've been living a lie up until now. It’s been my fault, my mistake, my sin. I should have known better. Now, let’s stand firm on the truth. You don’t have anything new to regret. Be strong and faithful. Your accountability is to God, not to people. The embarrassment of having your sin exposed to the world should mean nothing compared to the shame of actually having sinned. We’ve cared too much about what people think and not enough about God in the choices we’ve made. But now, be of good cheer. You might find your place in the world quite humble—not exactly in the fields," he said with a gentle smile, to which she, feeling down and miserable, could not respond. "No, perhaps, Ruth," he continued, "you may have to wait for a while; no one may be willing to accept the help you’d be eager to give; everyone might turn away from you and speak very harshly about you. Can you accept this treatment with patience, seeing it as a fair and just penance that God has placed upon you—feeling no anger towards those who disregard you, and no impatience for the future (which will surely come—I speak with the assurance of God's word) when He, having purified you like gold in fire, will make a clear path for your feet? My child, it is Christ the Lord who has taught us of this endless mercy of God. Do you have enough faith in it to be brave, to carry on, and to do what’s right in patience and hardships?"
Ruth had been hushed and very still until now, when the pleading earnestness of his question urged her to answer:
Ruth had been quiet and completely still until now, when the sincere urgency of his question pushed her to respond:
"Yes!" said she. "I hope—I believe I can be faithful for myself, for I have sinned and done wrong. But Leonard—" She looked up at him.
"Yes!" she said. "I hope—I believe I can be true to myself, because I’ve made mistakes and done wrong. But Leonard—" She looked up at him.
"But Leonard," he echoed. "Ah! there it is hard, Ruth. I own the world is hard and persecuting to such as he." He paused to think of the true comfort for this sting. He went on. "The world is not everything, Ruth; nor is the want of men's good opinion and esteem the highest need which man has. Teach Leonard this. You would not wish his life to be one summer's day. You dared not make it so, if you had the power. Teach him to bid a noble, Christian welcome to the trials which God sends—and this is one of them. Teach him not to look on a life of struggle, and perhaps of disappointment and incompleteness, as a sad and mournful end, but as the means permitted to the heroes and warriors in the army of Christ, by which to show their faithful following. Tell him of the hard and thorny path which was trodden once by the bleeding feet of One. Ruth! think of the Saviour's life and cruel death, and of His divine faithfulness. Oh, Ruth!" exclaimed he, "when I look and see what you may be—what you must be to that boy, I cannot think how you could be coward enough, for a moment, to shrink from your work! But we have all been cowards hitherto," he added, in bitter self-accusation. "God help us to be so no longer!"
"But Leonard," he repeated. "Ah! that's tough, Ruth. I admit the world can be harsh and relentless to people like him." He paused, searching for the right words to soften the blow. "The world isn’t everything, Ruth; nor is gaining the approval and respect of others the most important thing in life. Teach Leonard this. You wouldn’t want his life to be just one beautiful summer day. You wouldn’t dare make it so, even if you could. Teach him to greet the challenges that God sends—with this being one of them. Encourage him not to view a life filled with struggle, and maybe disappointment and incompleteness, as a tragic end, but as the path chosen for the heroes and warriors in Christ's army, a chance to demonstrate their faithful commitment. Remind him of the difficult and painful path once walked by Someone with bleeding feet. Ruth! Consider the life and brutal death of the Savior, and His unwavering faithfulness. Oh, Ruth!" he exclaimed, “when I see what you could be—what you *must* be to that boy, I can't believe you could ever have the cowardice to hesitate, even for a moment, in your duty! But we've all been cowards so far," he added, in harsh self-criticism. "God help us to not be that way anymore!"
Ruth sat very quiet. Her eyes were fixed on the ground, and she seemed lost in thought. At length she rose up.
Ruth sat still, her eyes focused on the ground, looking deep in thought. Eventually, she got up.
"Mr Benson!" said she, standing before him, and propping herself by the table, as she was trembling sadly from weakness, "I mean to try very, very hard, to do my duty to Leonard—and to God," she added, reverently. "I am only afraid my faith may sometimes fail about Leonard—"
"Mr. Benson!" she said, standing in front of him and leaning on the table, clearly trembling from weakness. "I really want to do my duty to Leonard—and to God," she added, with respect. "I'm just worried that my faith might sometimes falter about Leonard—
"Ask, and it shall be given unto you. That is no vain or untried promise, Ruth!"
"Ask, and you will receive. That's not an empty or untested promise, Ruth!"
She sat down again, unable longer to stand. There was another long silence.
She sat down again, unable to stand any longer. There was another long silence.
"I must never go to Mr Bradshaw's again," she said at last, as if thinking aloud.
"I can never go to Mr. Bradshaw's again," she said finally, almost as if she were thinking out loud.
"No, Ruth, you shall not," he answered.
"No, Ruth, you can't," he replied.
"But I shall earn no money!" added she, quickly, for she thought that he did not perceive the difficulty that was troubling her.
"But I won't make any money!" she added quickly, thinking that he didn't realize the issue that was bothering her.
"You surely know, Ruth, that while Faith and I have a roof to shelter us, or bread to eat, you and Leonard share it with us."
"You probably know, Ruth, that as long as Faith and I have a roof over our heads or food to eat, you and Leonard are sharing it with us."
"I know—I know your most tender goodness," said she, "but it ought not to be."
"I know—I know how kind you are," she said, "but it shouldn't be."
"It must be at present," he said, in a decided manner. "Perhaps before long you may have some employment; perhaps it may be some time before an opportunity occurs."
"It must be right now," he said firmly. "Maybe soon you'll have some work; maybe it’ll take a while before an opportunity comes up."
"Hush," said Ruth; "Leonard is moving about in the parlour. I must go to him."
"Hush," said Ruth; "Leonard is walking around in the living room. I need to go to him."
But when she stood up, she turned so dizzy, and tottered so much, that she was glad to sit down again immediately.
But when she stood up, she got so dizzy and wobbly that she was happy to sit down again right away.
"You must rest here. I will go to him," said Mr Benson. He left her; and when he was gone, she leaned her head on the back of the chair, and cried quietly and incessantly; but there was a more patient, hopeful, resolved feeling in her heart, which all along, through all the tears she shed, bore her onwards to higher thoughts, until at last she rose to prayers.
"You need to rest here. I’ll go to him," said Mr. Benson. He left her; and once he was gone, she leaned her head against the back of the chair and cried softly and continuously; but there was a more patient, hopeful, determined feeling in her heart that, even through all the tears she shed, pushed her towards higher thoughts, until finally she got up to pray.
Mr Benson caught the new look of shrinking shame in Leonard's eye, as it first sought, then shunned, meeting his. He was pained, too, by the sight of the little sorrowful, anxious face, on which, until now, hope and joy had been predominant. The constrained voice, the few words the boy spoke, when formerly there would have been a glad and free utterance—all this grieved Mr Benson inexpressibly, as but the beginning of an unwonted mortification, which must last for years. He himself made no allusion to any unusual occurrence; he spoke of Ruth as sitting, overcome by headache, in the study for quietness: he hurried on the preparations for tea, while Leonard sat by in the great arm-chair, and looked on with sad, dreamy eyes. He strove to lessen the shock which he knew Leonard had received, by every mixture of tenderness and cheerfulness that Mr Benson's gentle heart prompted; and now and then a languid smile stole over the boy's face. When his bedtime came, Mr Benson told him of the hour, although he feared that Leonard would have but another sorrowful crying of himself to sleep; but he was anxious to accustom the boy to cheerful movement within the limits of domestic law, and by no disobedience to it to weaken the power of glad submission to the Supreme; to begin the new life that lay before him, where strength to look up to God as the Law-giver and Ruler of events would be pre-eminently required. When Leonard had gone upstairs, Mr Benson went immediately to Ruth, and said,
Mr. Benson noticed the new look of shrinking shame in Leonard's eyes as they first searched for his but then avoided contact. He felt pained seeing the small, sorrowful, anxious face that had once been filled with hope and joy. The strained voice and the few words the boy spoke—when there should have been joyful and open conversation—grieved Mr. Benson profoundly, as it was just the start of an unusual humiliation that would last for years. He didn’t mention any unusual events; he spoke of Ruth as being in the study, overwhelmed by a headache, needing peace. He hurried along the preparations for tea while Leonard sat in the large armchair, looking on with sad, dreamy eyes. He tried to ease the shock he knew Leonard had experienced with every mix of tenderness and cheerfulness that his gentle heart suggested, and now and then, a tired smile flickered across the boy's face. When it was time for bed, Mr. Benson told him the hour, even though he worried Leonard would just end up crying himself to sleep again. But he wanted to help the boy adapt to cheerful activities within the rules of the household, and not to weaken his ability to accept the higher authority of God as the Law-giver and Ruler of events. As Leonard went upstairs, Mr. Benson immediately went to Ruth and said,
"Ruth! Leonard is just gone up to bed," secure in the instinct which made her silently rise, and go up to the boy—certain, too, that they would each be the other's best comforter, and that God would strengthen each through the other.
"Ruth! Leonard just went up to bed," confident in her instinct that made her quietly get up and check on the boy—also sure that they would each provide the best comfort for the other, and that God would support them both through one another.
Now, for the first time, he had leisure to think of himself; and to go over all the events of the day. The half-hour of solitude in his study, that he had before his sister's return, was of inestimable value; he had leisure to put events in their true places, as to importance and eternal significance.
Now, for the first time, he had the time to think about himself and reflect on everything that happened during the day. That half-hour of quiet time in his study, before his sister came back, was invaluable; it gave him the chance to sort events by their true significance and lasting importance.
Miss Faith came in laden with farm produce. Her kind entertainers had brought her in their shandry to the opening of the court in which the Chapel-house stood; but she was so heavily burdened with eggs, mushrooms, and plums, that when her brother opened the door she was almost breathless.
Miss Faith walked in, loaded down with farm produce. Her kind hosts had driven her in their cart to the opening of the court where the Chapel-house was; but she was so weighed down with eggs, mushrooms, and plums that when her brother opened the door, she was almost out of breath.
"Oh, Thurstan! take this basket—it is such a weight! Oh, Sally, is that you? Here are some magnum-bonums which we must preserve to-morrow. There are guinea-fowl eggs in that basket."
"Oh, Thurstan! Take this basket—it’s so heavy! Oh, Sally, is that you? Here are some big things we need to preserve tomorrow. There are guinea-fowl eggs in that basket."
Mr Benson let her unburden her body, and her mind too, by giving charges to Sally respecting her housekeeping treasures, before he said a word; but when she returned into the study, to tell him the small pieces of intelligence respecting her day at the farm, she stood aghast.
Mr. Benson let her get things off her chest, both physically and mentally, by giving instructions to Sally about her household items before he spoke. But when she went back into the study to share the little bits of information about her day at the farm, she was shocked.
"Why, Thurstan, dear! What's the matter? Is your back hurting you?"
"Why, Thurstan, darling! What's wrong? Is your back hurting?"
He smiled to reassure her; but it was a sickly and forced smile.
He smiled to comfort her, but it was a weak and forced smile.
"No, Faith! I am quite well, only rather out of spirits, and wanting to talk to you to cheer me."
"No, Faith! I'm doing fine, just feeling a bit down and wanting to chat with you to lift my spirits."
Miss Faith sat down, straight, sitting bolt-upright to listen the better.
Miss Faith sat down, straight, sitting up tall to listen better.
"I don't know how, but the real story about Ruth is found out."
"I don't know how, but the true story about Ruth comes to light."
"Oh, Thurstan!" exclaimed Miss Benson, turning quite white.
"Oh, Thurstan!" exclaimed Miss Benson, turning pale.
For a moment, neither of them said another word. Then she went on.
For a moment, neither of them spoke again. Then she continued.
"Does Mr Bradshaw know?"
"Does Mr. Bradshaw know?"
"Yes! He sent for me, and told me."
"Yeah! He called for me and told me."
"Does Ruth know that it has all come out?"
"Does Ruth know that everything has been revealed?"
"Yes. And Leonard knows."
"Yes. Leonard knows that."
"How? Who told him?"
"How? Who told him that?"
"I do not know. I have asked no questions. But of course it was his mother."
"I don't know. I haven't asked any questions. But obviously, it was his mom."
"She was very foolish and cruel, then," said Miss Benson, her eyes blazing, and her lips trembling, at the thought of the suffering her darling boy must have gone through.
"She was really foolish and mean, then," said Miss Benson, her eyes blazing and her lips trembling at the thought of the pain her sweet boy must have endured.
"I think she was wise. I am sure it was not cruel. He must have soon known that there was some mystery, and it was better that it should be told him openly and quietly by his mother than by a stranger."
"I think she was wise. I'm sure it wasn't cruel. He must have realized pretty quickly that there was some mystery, and it was better for his mother to tell him openly and calmly than for a stranger to do it."
"How could she tell him quietly?" asked Miss Benson, still indignant.
"How could she tell him quietly?" Miss Benson asked, still upset.
"Well! perhaps I used the wrong word—of course no one was by—and I don't suppose even they themselves could now tell how it was told, or in what spirit it was borne."
"Well! Maybe I used the wrong word—of course no one was there—and I don’t think even they could say now how it was said, or what the mood was at the time."
Miss Benson was silent again.
Miss Benson was quiet again.
"Was Mr Bradshaw very angry?"
"Was Mr. Bradshaw really angry?"
"Yes, very; and justly so. I did very wrong in making that false statement at first."
"Yes, absolutely; and rightly so. I was very wrong to make that false statement at first."
"No! I am sure you did not," said Miss Faith. "Ruth has had some years of peace, in which to grow stronger and wiser, so that she can bear her shame now in a way she never could have done at first."
"No! I'm sure you didn’t," said Miss Faith. "Ruth has had some years of peace to grow stronger and wiser, so she can handle her shame now in a way she never could have before."
"All the same it was wrong in me to do what I did."
"Still, it was wrong of me to do what I did."
"I did it too, as much or more than you. And I don't think it wrong. I'm certain it was quite right, and I would do just the same again."
"I did it too, just as much or even more than you did. And I don’t think it's wrong. I’m sure it was totally right, and I would do exactly the same thing again."
"Perhaps it has not done you the harm it has done me."
"Maybe it hasn't hurt you as much as it has hurt me."
"Nonsense! Thurstan. Don't be morbid. I'm sure you are as good—and better than ever you were."
"Nonsense! Thurstan. Don't be gloomy. I'm sure you're just as good—and better than you've ever been."
"No, I am not. I have got what you call morbid just in consequence of the sophistry by which I persuaded myself that wrong could be right. I torment myself. I have lost my clear instincts of conscience. Formerly, if I believed that such or such an action was according to the will of God, I went and did it, or at least I tried to do it, without thinking of consequences. Now, I reason and weigh what will happen if I do so and so—I grope where formerly I saw. Oh, Faith! it is such a relief to me to have the truth known, that I am afraid I have not been sufficiently sympathising with Ruth."
"No, I’m not. I’ve become what you might call morbid because I convinced myself that wrong could be right. I torture myself. I've lost my clear sense of conscience. In the past, if I believed that a certain action was in line with God's will, I went ahead and did it, or at least I tried to, without worrying about the consequences. Now, I think it through and consider what will happen if I do such and such—I feel around where I used to see clearly. Oh, Faith! It’s such a relief for me to have the truth out in the open that I fear I haven’t been compassionate enough towards Ruth."
"Poor Ruth!" said Miss Benson. "But at any rate our telling a lie has been the saving of her. There is no fear of her going wrong now."
"Poor Ruth!" said Miss Benson. "But at least our lie has saved her. There's no worry about her going off track now."
"God's omnipotence did not need our sin."
"God's all-powerful nature didn't need our sin."
They did not speak for some time.
They didn't talk for a while.
"You have not told me what Mr Bradshaw said."
"You haven't told me what Mr. Bradshaw said."
"One can't remember the exact words that are spoken on either side in moments of such strong excitement. He was very angry, and said some things about me that were very just, and some about Ruth that were very hard. His last words were that he should give up coming to chapel."
"One can't recall the exact words exchanged during such intense moments. He was really angry and said some things about me that were fair, and some about Ruth that were pretty harsh. His final words were that he would stop coming to chapel."
"Oh, Thurstan! did it come to that?"
"Oh, Thurstan! Did it really come to that?"
"Yes."
"Yep."
"Does Ruth know all he said?"
"Does Ruth know everything he said?"
"No! Why should she? I don't know if she knows he has spoken to me at all. Poor creature! she had enough to craze her almost without that! She was for going away and leaving us, that we might not share in her disgrace. I was afraid of her being quite delirious. I did so want you, Faith! However, I did the best I could; I spoke to her very coldly, and almost sternly, all the while my heart was bleeding for her. I dared not give her sympathy; I tried to give her strength. But I did so want you, Faith."
"No! Why should she? I’m not sure if she even knows he’s talked to me at all. Poor thing! She had enough to drive her crazy without that! She wanted to leave us so we wouldn’t have to share in her shame. I was worried she was completely losing it. I really wanted you, Faith! But I did my best; I spoke to her very coldly and almost sternly, even though my heart was breaking for her. I couldn’t show her sympathy; I tried to give her strength. But I really wanted you, Faith."
"And I was so full of enjoyment, I am ashamed to think of it. But the Dawsons are so kind—and the day was so fine— Where is Ruth now?"
"And I was so full of joy, I feel embarrassed to think about it. But the Dawsons are so nice—and the day was so beautiful— Where is Ruth now?"
"With Leonard. He is her great earthly motive—I thought that being with him would be best. But he must be in bed and asleep now."
"With Leonard. He is her main reason for living—I thought that being with him would be ideal. But he must be in bed and asleep now."
"I will go up to her," said Miss Faith.
"I'll go talk to her," said Miss Faith.
She found Ruth keeping watch by Leonard's troubled sleep; but when she saw Miss Faith she rose up, and threw herself on her neck and clung to her, without speaking. After a while Miss Benson said:
She found Ruth watching over Leonard as he slept restlessly; but when she saw Miss Faith, she got up, threw herself around her neck, and clung to her without saying a word. After a while, Miss Benson said:
"You must go to bed, Ruth!" So, after she had kissed the sleeping boy, Miss Benson led her away, and helped to undress her, and brought her up a cup of soothing violet tea—not so soothing as tender actions and soft loving tones.
"You need to go to bed, Ruth!" So, after she kissed the sleeping boy, Miss Benson took her away, helped her get undressed, and brought her a cup of calming violet tea—not as calming as gentle actions and soft, loving words.
CHAPTER XXVIII
An Understanding Between Lovers
It was well they had so early and so truly strengthened the spirit to bear, for the events which had to be endured soon came thick and threefold.
It was good that they had strengthened their spirit early on, as the challenges they had to face soon came in overwhelming numbers.
Every evening Mr and Miss Benson thought the worst must be over; and every day brought some fresh occurrence to touch upon the raw place. They could not be certain, until they had seen all their acquaintances, what difference it would make in the cordiality of their reception: in some cases it made much; and Miss Benson was proportionably indignant. She felt this change in behaviour more than her brother. His great pain arose from the coolness of the Bradshaws. With all the faults which had at times grated on his sensitive nature (but which he now forgot, and remembered only their kindness), they were his old familiar friends—his kind, if ostentatious, patrons—his great personal interest, out of his own family; and he could not get over the suffering he experienced from seeing their large square pew empty on Sundays—from perceiving how Mr Bradshaw, though he bowed in a distant manner when he and Mr Benson met face to face, shunned him as often as he possibly could. All that happened in the household, which once was as patent to him as his own, was now a sealed book; he heard of its doings by chance, if he heard at all. Just at the time when he was feeling the most depressed from this cause, he met Jemima at a sudden turn of the street. He was uncertain for a moment how to accost her, but she saved him all doubt; in an instant she had his hand in both of hers, her face flushed with honest delight.
Every evening, Mr. and Miss Benson thought the worst was behind them; yet each day brought a new situation to reopen their wounds. They couldn’t be sure how their relationships with their acquaintances would change until they had seen them all: in some cases, it made a significant difference, and Miss Benson was justifiably upset. She felt this shift in behavior more acutely than her brother. His main distress came from the coldness of the Bradshaws. Despite all the faults that had at times irked his sensitive nature (but which he now forgot, focusing instead on their kindness), they were his long-time friends—his generous, if showy, supporters—his major personal connection outside his own family. He couldn’t shake off the pain he felt seeing their large square pew empty on Sundays and noticing how Mr. Bradshaw, although he offered a distant bow when they crossed paths, avoided him whenever he could. Everything that happened in the household, which once was as clear to him as his own life, was now a mystery; he learned of its happenings only by chance, if at all. Just when he was feeling the most down because of this situation, he unexpectedly ran into Jemima around a corner. For a moment, he hesitated on how to greet her, but she quickly put that uncertainty to rest; in an instant, she had both his hands in hers, her face glowing with genuine happiness.
"Oh, Mr Benson, I am so glad to see you! I have so wanted to know all about you! How is poor Ruth? dear Ruth! I wonder if she has forgiven me my cruelty to her? And I may not go to her now, when I should be so glad and thankful to make up for it."
"Oh, Mr. Benson, I'm so happy to see you! I've really wanted to learn all about you! How is poor Ruth? Dear Ruth! I wonder if she's forgiven me for my cruelty towards her? And now I can't go to her when I would be so happy and grateful to make amends."
"I never heard you had been cruel to her. I am sure she does not think so."
"I never heard that you were mean to her. I’m sure she doesn’t think that."
"She ought; she must. What is she doing? Oh! I have so much to ask, I can never hear enough; and papa says"—she hesitated a moment, afraid of giving pain, and then, believing that they would understand the state of affairs, and the reason for her behaviour better if she told the truth, she went on: "Papa says I must not go to your house—I suppose it's right to obey him?"
"She should; she has to. What is she doing? Oh! I have so much to ask, and I can never get enough; and Dad says"—she paused for a moment, worried about causing hurt, and then, thinking they would grasp the situation and the reason for her actions better if she spoke honestly, she continued: "Dad says I can't go to your house—I guess it's right to listen to him?"
"Certainly, my dear. It is your clear duty. We know how you feel towards us."
"Of course, my dear. It's your obvious responsibility. We understand how you feel about us."
"Oh! but if I could do any good—if I could be of any use or comfort to any of you—especially to Ruth, I should come, duty or not. I believe it would be my duty," said she, hurrying on to try and stop any decided prohibition from Mr Benson. "No! don't be afraid; I won't come till I know I can do some good. I hear bits about you through Sally every now and then, or I could not have waited so long. Mr Benson," continued she, reddening very much, "I think you did quite right about poor Ruth."
"Oh! but if I could do anything good—if I could be any help or comfort to any of you—especially to Ruth, I would come, duty or not. I really believe it would be my duty," she said, rushing ahead to try to prevent any outright refusal from Mr. Benson. "No! don’t worry; I won’t come until I know I can be of some help. I hear bits about you from Sally every now and then, or else I wouldn’t have waited this long. Mr. Benson," she continued, blushing deeply, "I think you did the right thing regarding poor Ruth."
"Not in the falsehood, my dear."
"Not in the lies, my dear."
"No! not perhaps in that. I was not thinking of that. But I have been thinking a great deal about poor Ruth's—you know I could not help it when everybody was talking about it—and it made me think of myself, and what I am. With a father and mother, and home and careful friends, I am not likely to be tempted like Ruth; but oh! Mr Benson," said she, lifting her eyes, which were full of tears, to his face, for the first time since she began to speak, "if you knew all I have been thinking and feeling this last year, you would see how I have yielded to every temptation that was able to come to me; and, seeing how I have no goodness or strength in me, and how I might just have been like Ruth, or rather, worse than she ever was, because I am more headstrong and passionate by nature, I do so thank you and love you for what you did for her! And will you tell me really and truly now if I can ever do anything for Ruth? If you'll promise me that, I won't rebel unnecessarily against papa; but if you don't, I will, and come and see you all this very afternoon. Remember! I trust you!" said she, breaking away. Then turning back, she came to ask after Leonard.
"No! Not at all. That’s not what I meant. But I’ve been thinking a lot about poor Ruth—you know I couldn’t avoid it with everyone talking about it—and it made me reflect on myself and who I am. With a father and mother, a home, and caring friends, I’m unlikely to be tempted the way Ruth was; but oh! Mr. Benson," she said, lifting her tear-filled eyes to his face for the first time since she started speaking, "if you knew everything I’ve been thinking and feeling this past year, you’d see how I’ve given in to every temptation that came my way; and knowing how I lack goodness or strength, and how I could easily have been like Ruth, or even worse because I’m more headstrong and passionate by nature, I’m so grateful to you and love you for what you did for her! And can you please tell me, honestly, if there’s anything I can do for Ruth? If you promise me that, I won’t rebel against my father without reason; but if you don’t, I will, and come to see you all this very afternoon. Remember! I trust you!" she said, breaking away. Then she turned back to ask about Leonard.
"He must know something of it," said she. "Does he feel it much?"
"He must know something about it," she said. "Does he feel it a lot?"
"Very much," said Mr Benson. Jemima shook her head sadly.
"Very much," said Mr. Benson. Jemima shook her head sadly.
"It is hard upon him," said she.
"It’s tough on him," she said.
"It is," Mr Benson replied.
"It is," Mr. Benson replied.
For in truth, Leonard was their greatest anxiety indoors. His health seemed shaken, he spoke half sentences in his sleep, which showed that in his dreams he was battling on his mother's behalf against an unkind and angry world. And then he would wail to himself, and utter sad words of shame, which they never thought had reached his ears. By day, he was in general grave and quiet; but his appetite varied, and he was evidently afraid of going into the streets, dreading to be pointed at as an object of remark. Each separately in their hearts longed to give him change of scene, but they were all silent, for where was the requisite money to come from?
For honestly, Leonard was their biggest worry at home. His health seemed fragile, he mumbled half-formed sentences in his sleep, which showed that in his dreams he was fighting for his mother's sake against a cruel and angry world. Then he would cry to himself and say sad words of shame that they never thought he could hear. During the day, he was mostly serious and quiet; however, his appetite fluctuated, and he clearly feared going outdoors, anxious about being stared at as an object of gossip. Each of them secretly wished they could change his surroundings, but they all kept quiet because where would the necessary money come from?
His temper became fitful and variable. At times he would be most sullen against his mother; and then give way to a passionate remorse. When Mr Benson caught Ruth's look of agony at her child's rebuffs, his patience failed; or rather, I should say, he believed that a stronger, severer hand than hers was required for the management of the lad. But, when she heard Mr Benson say so, she pleaded with him.
His mood became unpredictable and changeable. Sometimes he would be really moody towards his mother, and then suddenly feel intense guilt. When Mr. Benson noticed Ruth's pained expression at her child's rejections, he lost his patience; or rather, I should say, he thought that a firmer, tougher approach than hers was needed to handle the boy. But when she heard Mr. Benson say that, she begged him not to.
"Have patience with Leonard," she said. "I have deserved the anger that is fretting in his heart. It is only I who can reinstate myself in his love and respect. I have no fear. When he sees me really striving hard and long to do what is right, he must love me. I am not afraid."
"Be patient with Leonard," she said. "I deserve the anger that's bothering him. I'm the only one who can earn back his love and respect. I'm not worried. When he sees me truly working hard and for a long time to do the right thing, he has to love me. I'm not scared."
Even while she spoke, her lips quivered, and her colour went and came with eager anxiety. So Mr Benson held his peace, and let her take her course. It was beautiful to see the intuition by which she divined what was passing in every fold of her child's heart, so as to be always ready with the right words to soothe or to strengthen him. Her watchfulness was unwearied, and with no thought of self-tainting in it, or else she might have often paused to turn aside and weep at the clouds of shame which came over Leonard's love for her, and hid it from all but her faithful heart; she believed and knew that he was yet her own affectionate boy, although he might be gloomily silent, or apparently hard and cold. And in all this, Mr Benson could not choose but admire the way in which she was insensibly teaching Leonard to conform to the law of right, to recognise Duty in the mode in which every action was performed. When Mr Benson saw this, he knew that all goodness would follow, and that the claims which his mother's infinite love had on the boy's heart would be acknowledged at last, and all the more fully because she herself never urged them, but silently admitted the force of the reason that caused them to be for a time forgotten. By-and-by Leonard's remorse at his ungracious and sullen ways to his mother—ways that alternated with passionate, fitful bursts of clinging love—assumed more the character of repentance; he tried to do so no more. But still his health was delicate; he was averse to going out-of-doors; he was much graver and sadder than became his age. It was what must be, an inevitable consequence of what had been; and Ruth had to be patient, and pray in secret, and with many tears, for the strength she needed.
Even as she spoke, her lips trembled, and her color fluctuated with eager anxiety. So Mr. Benson stayed silent and allowed her to express herself. It was beautiful to witness her intuition as she understood what was happening in every part of her child's heart, always ready with the right words to comfort or encourage him. Her attentiveness was tireless, and without any thought for herself, or else she might have often stopped to turn away and weep at the shadows of shame that seemed to cloud Leonard's love for her, hiding it from everyone but her loyal heart; she believed and knew that he was still her affectionate boy, even if he was quietly gloomy or seemed distant and cold. And in all of this, Mr. Benson couldn't help but admire how she was instinctively teaching Leonard to adhere to the principles of right, recognizing Duty in the manner of every action. When Mr. Benson saw this, he knew that goodness would surely follow, and that the claims his mother's endless love had on the boy's heart would eventually be recognized, even more so because she never pressed them, but silently accepted the reasons that led them to be temporarily overlooked. Eventually, Leonard's remorse for his rude and sullen behavior toward his mother—behavior that alternated with passionate, unpredictable bursts of affectionate love—began to feel more like true repentance; he tried not to act that way anymore. But still, his health was fragile; he didn't want to go outside; he was much more serious and sad than was appropriate for his age. It was inevitable, a direct result of what had happened; and Ruth had to be patient and pray in secret, shedding many tears for the strength she needed.
She knew what it was to dread the going out into the streets after her story had become known. For days and days she had silently shrunk from this effort. But one evening towards dusk, Miss Benson was busy, and asked her to go an errand for her; and Ruth got up and silently obeyed her. That silence as to inward suffering was only one part of her peculiar and exquisite sweetness of nature; part of the patience with which she "accepted her penance." Her true instincts told her that it was not right to disturb others with many expressions of her remorse; that the holiest repentance consisted in a quiet and daily sacrifice. Still there were times when she wearied pitifully of her inaction. She was so willing to serve and work, and every one despised her services. Her mind, as I have said before, had been well cultivated during these last few years; so now she used all the knowledge she had gained in teaching Leonard, which was an employment that Mr Benson relinquished willingly, because he felt that it would give her some of the occupation that she needed. She endeavoured to make herself useful in the house in every way she could; but the waters of housekeeping had closed over her place during the time of her absence at Mr Bradshaw's—and, besides, now that they were trying to restrict every unnecessary expense, it was sometimes difficult to find work for three women. Many and many a time Ruth turned over in her mind every possible chance of obtaining employment for her leisure hours, and nowhere could she find it. Now and then Sally, who was her confidante in this wish, procured her some needlework, but it was of a coarse and common kind, soon done, lightly paid for. But whatever it was, Ruth took it, and was thankful, although it added but a few pence to the household purse. I do not mean that there was any great need of money; but a new adjustment of expenditure was required—a reduction of wants which had never been very extravagant.
She knew what it felt like to dread going out into the streets after her story had become known. For days, she had quietly avoided this effort. But one evening, as dusk approached, Miss Benson was busy and asked her to run an errand for her, and Ruth got up and silently obeyed. That silence regarding her inner pain was just one part of her unique and delicate sweetness; it was part of the patience with which she accepted her penance. Her true instincts told her that it wasn’t right to burden others with her feelings of remorse; the deepest repentance was found in quiet, daily sacrifice. Still, there were times when she grew weary of doing nothing. She was so eager to serve and work, yet everyone looked down on her efforts. Her mind, as I mentioned before, had been well nurtured over the past few years, so now she used all the knowledge she gained teaching Leonard—an opportunity Mr. Benson gladly relinquished, as he believed it would provide her with the engagement she needed. She tried to be helpful around the house in any way she could, but the household responsibilities had taken a backseat during her absence at Mr. Bradshaw's—and besides, since they were trying to cut down on unnecessary expenses, it was sometimes hard to find work for three women. Many times, Ruth considered every possible way to find work for her free time, but she couldn’t find anything. Occasionally, Sally, who was her confidante in this desire, would get her some needlework, but it was basic and commonplace, done quickly and not well-paid. Yet, whatever it was, Ruth accepted it and was grateful, even though it added just a few coins to the household budget. I don't mean to suggest there was a pressing need for money; rather, a new adjustment of spending was necessary—a reduction in needs that had never been very extravagant.
Ruth's salary of forty pounds was gone, while more of her "keep," as Sally called it, was thrown upon the Bensons. Mr Benson received about eighty pounds a year for his salary as minister. Of this, he knew that twenty pounds came from Mr Bradshaw; and when the old man appointed to collect the pew-rents brought him the quarterly amount, and he found no diminution in them, he inquired how it was, and learnt that, although Mr Bradshaw had expressed to the collector his determination never to come to chapel again, he had added, that of course his pew-rent should be paid all the same. But this Mr Benson could not suffer; and the old man was commissioned to return the money to Mr Bradshaw, as being what his deserted minister could not receive.
Ruth's salary of forty pounds was gone, and more of her "keep," as Sally called it, was left to the Bensons. Mr. Benson earned about eighty pounds a year as a minister. He knew that twenty pounds of that came from Mr. Bradshaw. When the old man assigned to collect the pew rents brought him the quarterly amount, and Mr. Benson saw no decrease, he asked how that was possible and learned that, although Mr. Bradshaw had told the collector he was determined not to attend chapel again, he had also said that he would, of course, continue to pay his pew rent. However, Mr. Benson could not accept this, and the collector was sent back to return the money to Mr. Bradshaw, as it was something that his absent minister could not accept.
Mr and Miss Benson had about thirty or forty pounds coming in annually from a sum which, in happier days, Mr Bradshaw had invested in Canal shares for them. Altogether their income did not fall much short of a hundred a year, and they lived in the Chapel-house free of rent. So Ruth's small earnings were but very little in actual hard commercial account, though in another sense they were much; and Miss Benson always received them with quiet simplicity. By degrees, Mr Benson absorbed some of Ruth's time in a gracious and natural way. He employed her mind in all the kind offices he was accustomed to render to the poor around him. And as much of the peace and ornament of life as they gained now, was gained on a firm basis of truth. If Ruth began low down to find her place in the world, at any rate there was no flaw in the foundation.
Mr. and Miss Benson had about thirty or forty pounds coming in each year from an amount that, in better times, Mr. Bradshaw had invested in Canal shares for them. Overall, their income was close to a hundred pounds a year, and they lived in the Chapel-house rent-free. So, Ruth's small earnings didn’t amount to much in strict financial terms, but in another way, they were significant; Miss Benson always accepted them with quiet grace. Gradually, Mr. Benson made use of some of Ruth's time in a natural and gracious manner. He involved her in all the kind acts he was used to providing for the poor in their community. Any peace and joy they gained now were built on a solid foundation of truth. If Ruth started at the bottom seeking her place in the world, at least the foundation was solid.
Leonard was still their great anxiety. At times the question seemed to be, could he live through all this trial of the elasticity of childhood? And then they knew how precious a blessing—how true a pillar of fire, he was to his mother; and how black the night, and how dreary the wilderness would be, when he was not. The child and the mother were each messengers of God—angels to each other.
Leonard was still a huge worry for them. Sometimes it felt like the real question was whether he could survive all the challenges of being a kid. Then they realized how much of a blessing he was to his mother—like a true guiding light—and how dark and empty the world would feel without him. The child and the mother were both messengers of God—angels to each other.
They had long gaps between the pieces of intelligence respecting the Bradshaws. Mr Bradshaw had at length purchased the house at Abermouth, and they were much there. The way in which the Bensons heard most frequently of the family of their former friends, was through Mr Farquhar. He called on Mr Benson about a month after the latter had met Jemima in the street. Mr Farquhar was not in the habit of paying calls on any one; and though he had always entertained and evinced the most kind and friendly feeling towards Mr Benson, he had rarely been in the Chapel-house. Mr Benson received him courteously, but he rather expected that there would be some especial reason alleged, before the conclusion of the visit, for its occurrence; more particularly as Mr Farquhar sat talking on the topics of the day in a somewhat absent manner, as if they were not the subjects most present to his mind. The truth was, he could not help recurring to the last time when he was in that room, waiting to take Leonard a ride, and his heart beating rather more quickly than usual at the idea that Ruth might bring the boy in when he was equipped. He was very full now of the remembrance of Ruth; and yet he was also most thankful, most self-gratulatory, that he had gone no further in his admiration of her—that he had never expressed his regard in words—that no one, as he believed, was cognisant of the incipient love which had grown partly out of his admiration, and partly out of his reason. He was thankful to be spared any implication in the nine-days' wonder which her story had made in Eccleston. And yet his feeling for her had been of so strong a character, that he winced, as with extreme pain, at every application of censure to her name. These censures were often exaggerated, it is true; but when they were just in their judgment of the outward circumstances of the case, they were not the less painful and distressing to him. His first rebound to Jemima was occasioned by Mrs Bradshaw's account of how severely her husband was displeased at her daughter's having taken part with Ruth; and he could have thanked and almost blessed Jemima when she dropped in (she dared do no more) her pleading excuses and charitable explanations on Ruth's behalf. Jemima had learnt some humility from the discovery which had been to her so great a shock; standing, she had learnt to take heed lest she fell; and when she had once been aroused to a perception of the violence of the hatred which she had indulged against Ruth, she was more reticent and measured in the expression of all her opinions. It showed how much her character had been purified from pride, that now she felt aware that what in her was again attracting Mr Farquhar was her faithful advocacy of her rival, wherever such advocacy was wise or practicable. He was quite unaware that Jemima had been conscious of his great admiration for Ruth; he did not know that she had ever cared enough for him to be jealous. But the unacknowledged bond between them now was their grief, and sympathy, and pity for Ruth; only in Jemima these feelings were ardent, and would fain have become active; while in Mr Farquhar they were strongly mingled with thankfulness that he had escaped a disagreeable position, and a painful notoriety. His natural caution induced him to make a resolution never to think of any woman as a wife until he had ascertained all her antecedents, from her birth upwards; and the same spirit of caution, directed inwardly, made him afraid of giving too much pity to Ruth, for fear of the conclusions to which such a feeling might lead him. But still his old regard for her, for Leonard, and his esteem and respect for the Bensons, induced him to lend a willing ear to Jemima's earnest entreaty that he would go and call on Mr Benson, in order that she might learn something about the family in general, and Ruth in particular. It was thus that he came to sit by Mr Benson's study fire, and to talk, in an absent way, to that gentleman. How they got on the subject he did not know, more than one-half of his attention being distracted; but they were speaking about politics, when Mr Farquhar learned that Mr Benson took in no newspaper.
They had long periods of silence about the Bradshaws. Mr. Bradshaw had finally bought the house in Abermouth, and they spent a lot of time there. The main way the Bensons heard about their former friends was through Mr. Farquhar. He visited Mr. Benson about a month after Mr. Benson had run into Jemima on the street. Mr. Farquhar didn't usually make calls on anyone, and although he had always been kind and friendly towards Mr. Benson, he rarely visited the Chapel-house. Mr. Benson welcomed him politely but suspected there was a specific reason for his visit, especially since Mr. Farquhar was chatting about current events in a somewhat distracted way, as if those topics weren’t on his mind. The truth was, he couldn’t help but think back to the last time he was in that room, waiting to take Leonard on a ride, his heart racing at the thought that Ruth might bring the boy in while he was ready. His thoughts were filled with Ruth now, yet he was also incredibly grateful and proud that he hadn’t let his feelings for her go any further—he had never declared his feelings in words—and he was convinced that no one was aware of the budding love that came partly from his admiration and partly from his rational judgment. He was relieved to avoid any association with the recent buzz her story had created in Eccleston. Still, his feelings for her were so intense that he flinched with real pain at every bit of criticism directed at her. True, some of the criticism was exaggerated, but when it accurately judged her situation, it was no less painful for him. His initial reaction to Jemima was triggered by Mrs. Bradshaw's account of her husband's anger over their daughter siding with Ruth, and he could have almost thanked Jemima when she offered her defense and charitable explanations for Ruth's actions. Jemima had learned some humility from the shocking realization she had faced; she had learned to be careful not to fall into pride, and when she recognized the depth of her hatred for Ruth, she became more restrained and thoughtful in expressing her opinions. It showed how much her character had been refined—now she recognized that what was attracting Mr. Farquhar to her again was her loyal support of her rival, whenever it was fair or possible. He had no idea that Jemima was aware of his strong admiration for Ruth; he didn't know she had ever cared enough about him to feel jealous. But the unspoken connection between them was their shared grief, sympathy, and pity for Ruth; only in Jemima, these feelings were intense and eager to become active, while in Mr. Farquhar, they were mixed with gratitude that he had escaped an uncomfortable situation and painful attention. His natural caution led him to decide never to consider any woman as a potential wife until he knew all about her background, and this same caution made him hesitant to show too much sympathy for Ruth, fearing where such sentiments might lead him. Still, his lingering feelings for her, for Leonard, and his respect for the Bensons encouraged him to listen willingly to Jemima's earnest request that he visit Mr. Benson to learn more about the family in general and Ruth in particular. That’s how he ended up sitting by Mr. Benson's study fire, chatting absently with him. He wasn’t sure how they got onto the subject, as more than half of his attention was elsewhere, but they were discussing politics when Mr. Farquhar found out that Mr. Benson didn’t subscribe to any newspapers.
"Will you allow me to send you over my Times? I have generally done with it before twelve o'clock, and after that it is really waste-paper in my house. You will oblige me by making use of it."
"Will you let me send you my Times? I usually finish with it before noon, and after that, it just becomes waste paper in my place. I’d appreciate it if you could use it."
"I am sure I am very much obliged to you for thinking of it. But do not trouble yourself to send it; Leonard can fetch it."
"I really appreciate you thinking of it. But don’t worry about sending it; Leonard can pick it up."
"How is Leonard now?" asked Mr Farquhar, and he tried to speak indifferently; but a grave look of intelligence clouded his eyes as he looked for Mr Benson's answer. "I have not met him lately."
"How is Leonard doing now?" asked Mr. Farquhar, trying to sound casual; but a serious expression of concern darkened his eyes as he awaited Mr. Benson's response. "I haven't seen him recently."
"No!" said Mr Benson, with an expression of pain in his countenance, though he, too, strove to speak in his usual tone.
"No!" said Mr. Benson, his face showing signs of distress, even though he also tried to speak in his usual tone.
"Leonard is not strong, and we find it difficult to induce him to go much out-of-doors."
"Leonard isn't very strong, and we find it hard to encourage him to go outside a lot."
There was a little silence for a minute or two, during which Mr Farquhar had to check an unbidden sigh. But, suddenly rousing himself into a determination to change the subject, he said:
There was a brief silence for a minute or two, during which Mr. Farquhar had to hold back an involuntary sigh. But, suddenly shaking off the moment, he resolved to change the subject and said:
"You will find rather a lengthened account of the exposure of Sir Thomas Campbell's conduct at Baden. He seems to be a complete blackleg, in spite of his baronetcy. I fancy the papers are glad to get hold of anything just now."
"You will find a lengthy account of the exposure of Sir Thomas Campbell's behavior at Baden. He appears to be a total fraud, despite his baronet title. I think the newspapers are eager to grab onto anything at the moment."
"Who is Sir Thomas Campbell?" asked Mr Benson.
"Who is Sir Thomas Campbell?" Mr. Benson asked.
"Oh, I thought you might have heard the report—a true one, I believe—of Mr Donne's engagement to his daughter. He must be glad she jilted him now, I fancy, after this public exposure of her father's conduct." (That was an awkward speech, as Mr Farquhar felt; and he hastened to cover it, by going on without much connexion:)
"Oh, I thought you might have heard the news—a true one, I believe—about Mr. Donne's engagement to his daughter. He must be relieved that she broke things off with him now, especially after this public revelation of her father's behavior." (That was an uncomfortable comment, as Mr. Farquhar realized; and he quickly tried to move on without much connection:)
"Dick Bradshaw is my informant about all these projected marriages in high life—they are not much in my way; but since he has come down from London to take his share in the business, I think I have heard more of the news and the scandal of what, I suppose, would be considered high life, than ever I did before; and Mr Donne's proceedings seem to be an especial object of interest to him."
"Dick Bradshaw is my source for all these planned high-society marriages—they don't really affect me; but since he came down from London to take part in the business, I feel like I've heard more gossip and news about what people would call high society than I ever did before; and Mr. Donne's actions seem to particularly intrigue him."
"And Mr Donne is engaged to a Miss Campbell, is he?"
"And Mr. Donne is engaged to Miss Campbell, right?"
"Was engaged; if I understood right, she broke off the engagement to marry some Russian prince or other—a better match, Dick Bradshaw told me. I assure you," continued Mr Farquhar, smiling, "I am a very passive recipient of all such intelligence, and might very probably have forgotten all about it, if the Times of this morning had not been so full of the disgrace of the young lady's father."
"She was engaged; if I understood correctly, she ended the engagement to marry some Russian prince—a better match, according to Dick Bradshaw. I assure you," Mr. Farquhar continued with a smile, "I'm quite passive about all this kind of news and probably would have forgotten it if the Times hadn't been so full of the shame surrounding the young lady's father this morning."
"Richard Bradshaw has quite left London, has he?" asked Mr Benson, who felt far more interest in his old patron's family than in all the Campbells that ever were or ever would be.
"Richard Bradshaw has really left London, hasn’t he?" asked Mr. Benson, who cared much more about his old boss's family than about all the Campbells that ever were or ever would be.
"Yes. He has come to settle down here. I hope he may do well, and not disappoint his father, who has formed very high expectations from him; I am not sure if they are not too high for any young man to realise." Mr Farquhar could have said more, but Dick Bradshaw was Jemima's brother, and an object of anxiety to her.
"Yes. He has come to settle down here. I hope he does well and doesn't disappoint his father, who has really high expectations for him; I'm not sure if those expectations aren't too high for any young man to meet." Mr. Farquhar could have said more, but Dick Bradshaw was Jemima's brother and a source of worry for her.
"I am sure, I trust such a mortification—such a grief as any disappointment in Richard, may not befall his father," replied Mr Benson.
"I’m sure that such a humiliation—such sadness from any disappointment with Richard—won't happen to his father," replied Mr. Benson.
"Jemima—Miss Bradshaw," said Mr Farquhar, hesitating, "was most anxious to hear of you all. I hope I may tell her you are all well" (with an emphasis on all); "that—"
"Jemima—Miss Bradshaw," said Mr. Farquhar, pausing, "was really eager to hear about all of you. I hope I can tell her you're all doing well" (with an emphasis on all); "that—"
"Thank you. Thank her for us. We are all well; all except Leonard, who is not strong, as I said before. But we must be patient. Time, and such devoted, tender love as he has from his mother, must do much."
"Thank you. Please thank her for us. We're all doing well; all except Leonard, who isn't strong, as I mentioned before. But we have to be patient. Time, and the devoted, tender love he receives from his mother, should help a lot."
Mr Farquhar was silent.
Mr. Farquhar was quiet.
"Send him to my house for the papers. It will be a little necessity for him to have some regular exercise, and to face the world. He must do it, sooner or later."
"Send him to my place for the papers. It’s important for him to get some regular exercise and to face the world. He has to do it, sooner or later."
The two gentlemen shook hands with each other on parting; but no further allusion was made to either Ruth or Leonard.
The two gentlemen shook hands as they parted ways, but there was no further mention of either Ruth or Leonard.
So Leonard went for the papers. Stealing along by back streets—running with his head bent down—his little heart panting with dread of being pointed out as his mother's child—so he used to come back, and run trembling to Sally, who would hush him up to her breast with many a rough-spoken word of pity and sympathy.
So Leonard went to get the papers. Sneaking through the back streets—his head lowered—his small heart racing with fear of being recognized as his mother’s child—he would return and run shakily to Sally, who would pull him close to her chest with a lot of gruff but caring words of pity and support.
Mr Farquhar tried to catch him to speak to him, and tame him as it were; and, by-and-by, he contrived to interest him sufficiently to induce the boy to stay a little while in the house, or stables, or garden. But the race through the streets was always to be dreaded as the end of ever so pleasant a visit.
Mr. Farquhar tried to catch the boy to talk to him and calm him down, and eventually, he managed to engage him enough to make him want to stay for a little while in the house, stables, or garden. However, the dash through the streets was always something to be feared as the conclusion of an otherwise nice visit.
Mr Farquhar kept up the intercourse with the Bensons which he had thus begun. He persevered in paying calls—quiet visits, where not much was said, political or local news talked about, and the same inquiries always made and answered as to the welfare of the two families, who were estranged from each other. Mr Farquhar's reports were so little varied that Jemima grew anxious to know more particulars.
Mr. Farquhar continued to maintain his relationship with the Bensons that he had started. He kept making calls—low-key visits where not much was discussed, local and political news was shared, and the same questions about the well-being of the two families, who were distant from one another, were always asked and answered. Mr. Farquhar’s updates were so similar each time that Jemima became curious to learn more details.
"Oh, Mr Farquhar!" said she; "do you think they tell you the truth? I wonder what Ruth can be doing to support herself and Leonard? Nothing that you can hear of, you say; and, of course, one must not ask the downright question. And yet I am sure they must be pinched in some way. Do you think Leonard is stronger?"
"Oh, Mr. Farquhar!" she said. "Do you really think they're being honest with you? I can't help but wonder what Ruth is doing to support herself and Leonard. You say there’s nothing you’ve heard about it; of course, we shouldn't just bluntly ask. Still, I'm sure they're struggling in some way. Do you think Leonard is doing better?"
"I am not sure. He is growing fast; and such a blow as he has had will be certain to make him more thoughtful and full of care than most boys of his age; both these circumstances may make him thin and pale, which he certainly is."
"I’m not sure. He’s growing up quickly, and the shock he’s experienced will definitely make him more introspective and worried than most boys his age. Both of these factors might make him look thin and pale, which he definitely does."
"Oh! how I wish I might go and see them all! I could tell in a twinkling the real state of things." She spoke with a tinge of her old impatience.
"Oh! how I wish I could go see them all! I would know right away what the real situation is." She spoke with a hint of her old impatience.
"I will go again, and pay particular attention to anything you wish me to observe. You see, of course, I feel a delicacy about asking any direct questions, or even alluding in any way to these late occurrences."
"I'll go again and focus on anything you want me to notice. You see, I really don’t want to ask any direct questions or even mention these recent events in any way."
"And you never see Ruth by any chance?"
"And do you happen to see Ruth at all?"
"Never!"
"Not a chance!"
They did not look at each other while this last question was asked and answered.
They didn't look at each other while this last question was asked and answered.
"I will take the paper to-morrow myself; it will be an excuse for calling again, and I will try to be very penetrating; but I have not much hope of success."
"I'll take the paper myself tomorrow; it'll be a good reason to call again, and I'll try to really get to the bottom of things; but I don't have high hopes for success."
"Oh, thank you. It is giving you a great deal of trouble; but you are very kind."
"Oh, thank you. It's causing you a lot of trouble, but you’re really kind."
"Kind, Jemima!" he repeated, in a tone which made her go very red and hot; "must I tell you how you can reward me?—Will you call me Walter?—say, thank you, Walter—just for once."
"Kind, Jemima!" he said again, in a way that made her blush and feel really warm; "do I need to tell you how you can repay me?—Will you call me Walter?—just say, thank you, Walter—just this once."
Jemima felt herself yielding to the voice and tone in which this was spoken; but her very consciousness of the depth of her love made her afraid of giving way, and anxious to be wooed, that she might be reinstated in her self-esteem.
Jemima found herself succumbing to the voice and tone in which this was said; but her awareness of the depth of her love made her hesitant to give in, and eager to be pursued, so she could regain her self-respect.
"No!" said she, "I don't think I can call you so. You are too old. It would not be respectful." She meant it half in joke, and had no idea he would take the allusion to his age so seriously as he did. He rose up, and coldly, as a matter of form, in a changed voice, wished her "Good-bye." Her heart sank; yet the old pride was there. But as he was at the very door, some sudden impulse made her speak:
"No!" she said, "I don't think I can call you that. You're too old. It wouldn't be respectful." She said it partly as a joke and didn't realize he would take the comment about his age so seriously. He stood up and, coldly and formally, in a different tone, wished her "Good-bye." Her heart sank, but the old pride remained. However, just as he was about to leave, some sudden impulse made her speak:
"I have not vexed you, have I, Walter?"
"I haven't annoyed you, have I, Walter?"
He turned round, glowing with a thrill of delight. She was as red as any rose; her looks dropped down to the ground.
He turned around, beaming with excitement. She was as red as any rose; her gaze fell to the ground.
They were not raised when, half an hour afterwards, she said, "You won't forbid my going to see Ruth, will you? because if you do, I give you notice I shall disobey you." The arm around her waist clasped her yet more fondly at the idea, suggested by this speech, of the control which he should have a right to exercise over her actions at some future day.
They didn't stir when, half an hour later, she said, "You won't stop me from going to see Ruth, will you? Because if you do, I want you to know I will disobey you." The arm around her waist tightened around her at the thought, prompted by her words, of the control he would have the right to exert over her actions someday.
"Tell me," said he, "how much of your goodness to me, this last happy hour, has been owing to the desire of having more freedom as a wife than as a daughter?"
"Tell me," he said, "how much of your kindness toward me in this last joyful hour has come from your wish for more freedom as a wife than as a daughter?"
She was almost glad that he should think she needed any additional motive to her love for him before she could have accepted him. She was afraid that she had betrayed the deep, passionate regard with which she had long looked upon him. She was lost in delight at her own happiness. She was silent for a time. At length she said:
She was almost happy that he thought she needed any other reason for her love for him before she could accept him. She was worried that she had revealed the deep, passionate feelings she had always had for him. She was wrapped up in joy at her own happiness. She was quiet for a while. Finally, she said:
"I don't think you know how faithful I have been to you ever since the days when you first brought me pistachio-candy from London—when I was quite a little girl."
"I don't think you realize how loyal I've been to you ever since the time you brought me pistachio candy from London—when I was just a little girl."
"Not more faithful than I have been to you," for in truth, the recollection of his love for Ruth had utterly faded away, and he thought himself a model of constancy; "and you have tried me pretty well. What a vixen you have been!"
"Not more loyal than I have been to you," because honestly, the memory of his love for Ruth had completely vanished, and he considered himself a perfect example of loyalty; "and you have really put me to the test. What a handful you've been!"
Jemima sighed; smitten with the consciousness of how little she had deserved her present happiness; humble with the recollection of the evil thoughts that had raged in her heart during the time (which she remembered well, though he might have forgotten it) when Ruth had had the affection which her jealous rival coveted.
Jemima sighed, feeling overwhelmed by how undeserving she was of her current happiness. She felt humbled by the memories of the negative thoughts that had consumed her heart during the time, which she remembered clearly even if he might have forgotten, when Ruth had the love that her jealous rival desired.
"I may speak to your father, may not I, Jemima?"
"I can talk to your father, can't I, Jemima?"
No! for some reason or fancy which she could not define, and could not be persuaded out of, she wished to keep their mutual understanding a secret. She had a natural desire to avoid the congratulations she expected from her family. She dreaded her father's consideration of the whole affair as a satisfactory disposal of his daughter to a worthy man, who, being his partner, would not require any abstraction of capital from the concern, and Richard's more noisy delight at his sister's having "hooked" so good a match. It was only her simple-hearted mother that she longed to tell. She knew that her mother's congratulations would not jar upon her, though they might not sound the full organ-peal of her love. But all that her mother knew passed onwards to her father; so for the present, at any rate, she determined to realise her secret position alone. Somehow, the sympathy of all others that she most longed for was Ruth's; but the first communication of such an event was due to her parents. She imposed very strict regulations on Mr Farquhar's behaviour; and quarrelled and differed from him more than ever, but with a secret joyful understanding with him in her heart, even while they disagreed with each other—for similarity of opinion is not always—I think not often—needed for fulness and perfection of love.
No! For some reason she couldn't explain and couldn't be convinced otherwise, she wanted to keep their mutual understanding a secret. She naturally wanted to avoid the congratulations she anticipated from her family. She dreaded her father's view of the whole situation as a satisfactory arrangement of marrying off his daughter to a good man, who, as his business partner, wouldn’t take any capital from the company, and Richard's louder excitement over his sister "hooking" such a great match. The only person she truly wanted to tell was her simple-hearted mother. She knew her mother's congratulations wouldn't bother her, even if they didn’t resonate with the full depth of love. But everything her mother knew would eventually reach her father; so for the time being, she decided to keep her secret to herself. Somehow, the support of everyone she really longed for was Ruth’s; but the first person she needed to inform about such a big change was her parents. She set very strict rules for Mr. Farquhar's behavior and argued with him more than ever, but deep down, she shared a secret joyful understanding with him, even while they disagreed—because matching opinions isn’t always, I think not often, necessary for a complete and perfect love.
After Ruth's "detection," as Mr Bradshaw used to call it, he said he could never trust another governess again; so Mary and Elizabeth had been sent to school the following Christmas, and their place in the family was but poorly supplied by the return of Mr Richard Bradshaw, who had left London, and been received as a partner.
After Ruth's "detection," as Mr. Bradshaw used to call it, he said he could never trust another governess again; so Mary and Elizabeth were sent to school the next Christmas, and their role in the family was only poorly filled by the return of Mr. Richard Bradshaw, who had left London and was accepted as a partner.
CHAPTER XXIX
Sally Takes Her Money Out of the Bank
The conversation narrated in the last chapter as taking place between Mr Farquhar and Jemima, occurred about a year after Ruth's dismissal from her situation. That year, full of small events, and change of place to the Bradshaws, had been monotonous and long in its course to the other household. There had been no want of peace and tranquillity; there had, perhaps, been more of them than in the preceding years, when, though unacknowledged by any, all must have occasionally felt the oppression of the falsehood—and a slight glancing dread must have flashed across their most prosperous state, lest, somehow or another, the mystery should be disclosed. But now, as the shepherd-boy in John Bunyan sweetly sang, "He that is low need fear no fall."
The conversation described in the last chapter between Mr. Farquhar and Jemima happened about a year after Ruth was let go from her job. That year, filled with small events and a move to the Bradshaws, felt monotonous and long to the other household. There was no shortage of peace and tranquility; in fact, there may have been more than in the previous years when, although no one admitted it, everyone occasionally felt the weight of the deception—and a fleeting fear must have crossed their most successful moments, worrying that somehow the truth would be revealed. But now, as the shepherd-boy in John Bunyan sweetly sang, "He that is low need fear no fall."
Still, their peace was as the stillness of a grey autumnal day, when no sun is to be seen above, and when a quiet film seems drawn before both sky and earth, as if to rest the wearied eyes after the summer's glare. Few events broke the monotony of their lives, and those events were of a depressing kind. They consisted in Ruth's futile endeavours to obtain some employment, however humble; in Leonard's fluctuations of spirits and health; in Sally's increasing deafness; in the final and unmendable wearing-out of the parlour carpet, which there was no spare money to replace, and so they cheerfully supplied its want by a large hearth-rug that Ruth made out of ends of list; and, what was more a subject of unceasing regret to Mr Benson than all, the defection of some of the members of his congregation, who followed Mr Bradshaw's lead. Their places, to be sure, were more than filled up by the poor, who thronged to his chapel; but still it was a disappointment to find that people about whom he had been earnestly thinking—to whom he had laboured to do good—should dissolve the connexion without a word of farewell or explanation. Mr Benson did not wonder that they should go; nay, he even felt it right that they should seek that spiritual help from another, which he, by his error, had forfeited his power to offer; he only wished they had spoken of their intention to him in an open and manly way. But not the less did he labour on among those to whom God permitted him to be of use. He felt age stealing upon him apace, although he said nothing about it, and no one seemed to be aware of it; and he worked the more diligently while "it was yet day." It was not the number of his years that made him feel old, for he was only sixty, and many men are hale and strong at that time of life; in all probability, it was that early injury to his spine which affected the constitution of his mind as well as his body, and predisposed him, in the opinion of some at least, to a feminine morbidness of conscience. He had shaken off somewhat of this since the affair with Mr Bradshaw; he was simpler and more dignified than he had been for several years before, during which time he had been anxious and uncertain in his manner, and more given to thought than to action.
Still, their peace was like the stillness of a gray autumn day, when the sun isn’t visible above, and a quiet haze seems to cover both the sky and the ground, almost as if to rest tired eyes after the brightness of summer. Few events broke the monotony of their lives, and those that did were often discouraging. They included Ruth's fruitless attempts to find any job, no matter how small; Leonard's ups and downs with his mood and health; Sally's growing deafness; and the inevitable wear and tear on the living room carpet, which there was no extra money to replace, so they happily filled the gap with a large hearth rug that Ruth made from leftover fabric; and, more than anything else, Mr. Benson regretted the departure of some members of his congregation who followed Mr. Bradshaw. Their absences, of course, were more than covered by the poor who flocked to his chapel, but it still hurt to see people he had deeply cared about—whom he had worked hard to help—leave without a word or explanation. Mr. Benson didn’t blame them for leaving; in fact, he thought it was right for them to seek spiritual support elsewhere, which he, due to his mistakes, could no longer provide; he just wished they had talked to him about their intentions honestly. Still, he continued to work among those to whom God allowed him to be of help. He felt age creeping up on him, even though he didn't mention it, and no one seemed to notice; he worked even harder while “it was yet day.” It wasn't the number of years that made him feel old—he was only sixty and many men are fit and strong at that age; rather, it was probably that earlier injury to his spine that affected both his body and mind, making him seem, at least to some, more emotionally fragile. He had shaken off some of this since the situation with Mr. Bradshaw; he was now simpler and more dignified than he had been for several years, a time during which he had been anxious and uncertain in his manner, more prone to thinking than to acting.
The one happy bright spot in this grey year was owing to Sally. As she said of herself, she believed she grew more "nattered" as she grew older; but that she was conscious of her "natteredness" was a new thing, and a great gain to the comfort of the house, for it made her very grateful for forbearance, and more aware of kindness than she had ever been before. She had become very deaf; yet she was uneasy and jealous if she were not informed of all the family thoughts, plans, and proceedings, which often had (however private in their details) to be shouted to her at the full pitch of the voice. But she always heard Leonard perfectly. His clear and bell-like voice, which was similar to his mother's, till sorrow had taken the ring out of it, was sure to be heard by the old servant, though every one else had failed. Sometimes, however, she "got her hearing sudden," as she phrased it, and was alive to every word and noise, more particularly when they did not want her to hear; and at such times she resented their continuance of the habit of speaking loud as a mortal offence. One day, her indignation at being thought deaf called out one of the rare smiles on Leonard's face; she saw it, and said, "Bless thee, lad! if it but amuses thee, they may shout through a ram's horn to me, and I'll never let on I'm not deaf. It's as good a use as I can be of," she continued to herself, "if I can make that poor lad smile a bit."
The one bright spot in this dreary year was Sally. She described herself as becoming more "nattered" as she aged; however, being aware of her "natteredness" was something new and greatly improved the comfort of the household, as it made her very grateful for patience and more aware of kindness than she had ever been before. She had become quite deaf; still, she felt uneasy and jealous if she wasn't in the loop about all the family's thoughts, plans, and activities, which often had to be shouted at her full volume, even if the details were private. But she could always hear Leonard perfectly. His clear, bell-like voice, similar to his mother's before sorrow dulled its tone, was always audible to the old servant when everyone else had failed. Sometimes, though, she would have moments where she "got her hearing sudden," as she said, and was alert to every word and sound, especially when they didn't want her to hear; during those times, she felt offended by their habit of speaking loudly. One day, her irritation at being thought deaf brought out one of the rare smiles on Leonard's face; she noticed it and said, "Bless you, lad! If it makes you smile, they can shout through a ram's horn to me, and I won't let on that I'm not deaf. It’s as good as I can be for now," she thought to herself, "if I can make that poor boy smile a little."
If she expected to be everybody's confidante, she made Leonard hers. "There!" said she, when she came home from her marketing one Saturday night, "look here, lad! Here's forty-two pound, seven shillings, and twopence! It's a mint of money, isn't it? I took it all in sovereigns for fear of fire."
If she thought she could be everyone’s go-to person, she made Leonard hers. “There!” she said when she got home from shopping one Saturday night, “check it out, kid! Here’s forty-two pounds, seven shillings, and two pence! That’s a lot of money, right? I took it all in gold coins in case of a fire.”
"What is it all for, Sally?" said he.
"What’s it all for, Sally?" he said.
"Aye, lad! that's asking. It's Mr Benson's money," said she, mysteriously, "that I've been keeping for him. Is he in the study, think ye?"
"Aye, kid! That's bold. It's Mr. Benson's money," she said mysteriously, "that I've been holding for him. Do you think he's in the study?"
"Yes! I think so. Where have you been keeping it?"
"Yes! I think so. Where have you been hiding it?"
"Never you mind!" She went towards the study, but thinking she might have been hard on her darling in refusing to gratify his curiosity, she turned back, and said:
"Don't worry about it!" She headed toward the study, but thinking she might have been too tough on her darling by not satisfying his curiosity, she turned back and said:
"I say—if thou wilt, thou mayst do me a job of work some day. I'm wanting a frame made for a piece of writing."
"I say—if you want, you can do a job for me someday. I need a frame made for a piece of writing."
And then she returned to go into the study, carrying her sovereigns in her apron.
And then she went back to the study, holding her coins in her apron.
"Here, Master Thurstan," said she, pouring them out on the table before her astonished master. "Take it, it's all yours."
"Here you go, Master Thurstan," she said, pouring them out on the table in front of her surprised master. "Take it, it’s all yours."
"All mine! What can you mean?" asked he, bewildered.
"All mine! What do you mean?" he asked, confused.
She did not hear him, and went on:
She didn't hear him and continued on:
"Lock it up safe, out o' the way. Dunnot go and leave it about to tempt folks. I'll not answer for myself if money's left about. I may be cribbing a sovereign."
"Lock it up securely, out of sight. Don't leave it lying around to tempt people. I can't promise I won't take a sovereign if money is just sitting there."
"But where does it come from?" said he.
"But where does it come from?" he said.
"Come from!" she replied. "Where does all money come from, but the bank, to be sure? I thought any one could tell that."
"Come on!" she replied. "Where does all the money come from, if not the bank, of course? I thought anyone could figure that out."
"I have no money in the bank!" said he, more and more perplexed.
"I have no money in the bank!" he said, growing more and more confused.
"No! I knowed that; but I had. Dunnot ye remember how you would raise my wage, last Martinmas eighteen year? You and Faith were very headstrong, but I was too deep for you. See thee! I went and put it i' th' bank. I was never going to touch it; and if I had died it would have been all right, for I'd a will made, all regular and tight—made by a lawyer (leastways he would have been a lawyer, if he hadn't got transported first). And now, thinks I, I think I'll just go and get it out and give it 'em. Banks is not always safe."
"No! I knew that; but I did. Don't you remember how you were going to raise my pay last Martinmas eighteen years ago? You and Faith were very stubborn, but I was too clever for you. Look! I went and put it in the bank. I never planned to touch it; and if I had died, everything would have been fine because I had a will made, all proper and tight—drafted by a lawyer (at least he would have been a lawyer if he hadn't been sent away first). And now, I think I'll just go and withdraw it and give it to them. Banks aren’t always safe."
"I'll take care of it for you with the greatest pleasure. Still, you know, banks allow interest."
"I'll handle it for you with pleasure. But you know, banks charge interest."
"D'ye suppose I don't know all about interest, and compound interest too, by this time? I tell ye I want ye to spend it. It's your own. It's not mine. It always was yours. Now you're not going to fret me by saying you think it mine."
"D'you think I don't know everything about interest, and compound interest too, by now? I’m telling you, I want you to spend it. It’s yours. It's not mine. It always was yours. So don’t bother me by saying you think it’s mine."
Mr Benson held out his hand to her, for he could not speak. She bent forward to him as he sat there, and kissed him.
Mr. Benson reached out his hand to her, unable to say a word. She leaned forward to him as he sat there and kissed him.
"Eh, bless ye, lad! It's the first kiss I've had of ye sin' ye were a little lad, and it's a great refreshment. Now don't you and Faith go and bother me with talking about it. It's just yours, and make no more ado."
"Hey, bless you, kid! That’s the first kiss I’ve had from you since you were a little one, and it’s really nice. Now don’t you and Faith start bothering me by talking about it. It’s just yours, so let’s not make a big deal out of it."
She went back into the kitchen, and brought out her will, and gave Leonard directions how to make a frame for it; for the boy was a very tolerable joiner, and had a box of tools which Mr Bradshaw had given him some years ago.
She went back into the kitchen, brought out her will, and gave Leonard instructions on how to make a frame for it; since the boy was a pretty decent carpenter and had a toolbox that Mr. Bradshaw had given him a few years ago.
"It's a pity to lose such fine writing," said she; "though I can't say as I can read it. Perhaps you'd just read it for me, Leonard." She sat open-mouthed with admiration at all the long words.
"It's a shame to lose such great writing," she said; "though I can't say I can read it. Maybe you could read it for me, Leonard." She sat there, wide-eyed with admiration at all the long words.
The frame was made, and the will hung up opposite to her bed, unknown to any one but Leonard; and, by dint of his repeated reading it over to her, she learnt all the words, except "testatrix," which she would always call "testy tricks." Mr Benson had been too much gratified and touched, by her unconditional gift of all she had in the world, to reject it; but he only held it in his hands as a deposit until he could find a safe investment befitting so small a sum. The little rearrangements of the household expenditure had not touched him as they had done the women. He was aware that meat dinners were not now every-day occurrences; but he preferred puddings and vegetables, and was glad of the exchange. He observed, too, that they all sat together in the kitchen in the evenings; but the kitchen, with the well-scoured dresser, the shining saucepans, the well-blacked grate and whitened hearth, and the warmth which seemed to rise up from the very flags, and ruddily cheer the most distant corners, appeared a very cozy and charming sitting-room; and, besides, it appeared but right that Sally, in her old age, should have the companionship of those with whom she had lived in love and faithfulness for so many years. He only wished he could more frequently leave the solitary comfort of his study, and join the kitchen party, where Sally sat as mistress in the chimney-corner, knitting by fire-light, and Miss Benson and Ruth, with the candle between them, stitched away at their work; while Leonard strewed the ample dresser with his slate and books. He did not mope and pine over his lessons; they were the one thing that took him out of himself. As yet his mother could teach him, though in some respects it was becoming a strain upon her acquirements and powers. Mr Benson saw this, but reserved his offers of help as long as he could, hoping that before his assistance became absolutely necessary, some mode of employment beyond that of occasional plain-work might be laid open to Ruth.
The frame was put together, and the will was hung up opposite her bed, known only to Leonard; and through his repeated reading of it to her, she learned all the words, except for "testatrix," which she always called "testy tricks." Mr. Benson had been too pleased and moved by her unconditional gift of everything she had to turn it down; he just held it in his hands as a deposit until he could find a safe investment for such a small amount. The small changes in household spending didn’t bother him as they did the women. He realized that meat dinners were no longer an everyday thing; but he preferred puddings and vegetables and was happy with the switch. He also noticed that they all gathered together in the kitchen in the evenings; but the kitchen, with its well-cleaned dresser, shiny pans, well-blackened fireplace, and whitewashed hearth, along with the warmth that seemed to rise from the floor and brighten up the farthest corners, felt like a very cozy and charming living room; and besides, it felt right that Sally, in her old age, should have the company of those she had lived with in love and faithfulness for so many years. He only wished he could more often leave the peaceful solitude of his study and join the group in the kitchen, where Sally sat as the mistress in the fire-side corner, knitting by the firelight, while Miss Benson and Ruth stitched together with a candle between them, and Leonard spread his slate and books across the spacious dresser. He didn’t mope or sulk over his lessons; they were the one thing that took him out of himself. His mother could still teach him, though in some ways it was becoming a challenge for her skills and abilities. Mr. Benson noticed this but held off on offering help for as long as he could, hoping that before his assistance became absolutely necessary, some other form of work beyond just occasional plain sewing might open up for Ruth.
In spite of the communication they occasionally had with Mr Farquhar, when he gave them the intelligence of his engagement to Jemima, it seemed like a glimpse into a world from which they were shut out. They wondered—Miss Benson and Ruth did at least—much about the details. Ruth sat over her sewing, fancying how all had taken place; and as soon as she had arranged the events which were going on among people and places once so familiar to her, she found some discrepancy, and set-to afresh to picture the declaration of love, and the yielding, blushing acceptance; for Mr Farquhar had told little beyond the mere fact that there was an engagement between himself and Jemima which had existed for some time, but which had been kept secret until now, when it was acknowledged, sanctioned, and to be fulfilled as soon as he returned from an arrangement of family affairs in Scotland. This intelligence had been enough for Mr Benson, who was the only person Mr Farquhar saw; as Ruth always shrank from the post of opening the door, and Mr Benson was apt at recognising individual knocks, and always prompt to welcome Mr Farquhar.
Despite the occasional communication they had with Mr. Farquhar, especially when he informed them about his engagement to Jemima, it felt like a glimpse into a world they were excluded from. Miss Benson and Ruth were particularly curious about the details. As Ruth sat working on her sewing, she imagined how everything had unfolded; and once she organized the events happening among people and places that used to be so familiar to her, she noticed some inconsistencies and started again to envision the declaration of love and the shy, blushing acceptance. Mr. Farquhar had only shared that he and Jemima were engaged, a relationship that had been kept secret for some time but was now acknowledged, approved, and ready to be finalized as soon as he returned from sorting out some family matters in Scotland. This news was enough for Mr. Benson, the only person Mr. Farquhar visited, since Ruth always hesitated to open the door, and Mr. Benson was good at recognizing specific knocks and always quick to welcome Mr. Farquhar.
Miss Benson occasionally thought—and what she thought she was in the habit of saying—that Jemima might have come herself to announce such an event to old friends; but Mr Benson decidedly vindicated her from any charge of neglect, by expressing his strong conviction that to her they owed Mr Farquhar's calls—his all but outspoken offers of service—his quiet, steady interest in Leonard; and, moreover (repeating the conversation he had had with her in the street, the first time they met after the disclosure), Mr Benson told his sister how glad he was to find that, with all the warmth of her impetuous disposition hurrying her on to rebellion against her father, she was now attaining to that just self-control which can distinguish between mere wishes and true reasons—that she could abstain from coming to see Ruth while she could do but little good, reserving herself for some great occasion or strong emergency.
Miss Benson sometimes thought—and she usually voiced her thoughts—that Jemima might have personally come to share such news with old friends; however, Mr. Benson firmly defended her against any accusations of neglect, expressing his strong belief that they owed Mr. Farquhar's visits to her—his almost explicit offers of help—his consistent, quiet interest in Leonard. Additionally (recalling the conversation he had with her in the street the first time they met after the news broke), Mr. Benson told his sister how pleased he was to see that, despite her impulsive nature pushing her toward rebellion against their father, she was now developing that important self-control that allows one to differentiate between simple desires and genuine reasons—that she could hold off on visiting Ruth when it wouldn't be beneficial, saving herself for a significant occasion or urgent need.
Ruth said nothing, but she yearned all the more in silence to see Jemima. In her recollection of that fearful interview with Mr Bradshaw, which haunted her yet, sleeping or waking, she was painfully conscious that she had not thanked Jemima for her generous, loving advocacy; it had passed unregarded at the time in intensity of agony—but now she recollected that by no word, or tone, or touch, had she given any sign of gratitude. Mr Benson had never told her of his meeting with Jemima; so it seemed as if there were no hope of any future opportunity: for it is strange how two households, rent apart by some dissension, can go through life, their parallel existences running side by side, yet never touching each other, near neighbours as they are, habitual and familiar guests as they may have been.
Ruth said nothing, but she silently longed to see Jemima even more. As she recalled that terrifying meeting with Mr. Bradshaw, which still haunted her both in her dreams and when she was awake, she felt deeply troubled that she hadn’t thanked Jemima for her generous and loving support; in the heat of that agony, it had gone unnoticed at the moment—but now she realized that she hadn’t shown any gratitude through her words, tone, or actions. Mr. Benson had never mentioned his meeting with Jemima to her, so it felt like there was no hope for any future encounter. It’s strange how two families, torn apart by some conflict, can go through life with their lives running parallel, yet never actually connecting, even though they live so close and may have once been regular and familiar visitors to each other’s homes.
Ruth's only point of hope was Leonard. She was weary of looking for work and employment, which everywhere seemed held above her reach. She was not impatient of this, but she was very, very sorry. She felt within her such capability, and all ignored her, and passed her by on the other side. But she saw some progress in Leonard. Not that he could continue to have the happy development, and genial ripening, which other boys have; leaping from childhood to boyhood, and thence to youth, with glad bounds, and unconsciously enjoying every age. At present there was no harmony in Leonard's character; he was as full of thought and self-consciousness as many men, planning his actions long beforehand, so as to avoid what he dreaded, and what she could not yet give him strength to face, coward as she was herself, and shrinking from hard remarks. Yet Leonard was regaining some of his lost tenderness towards his mother; when they were alone he would throw himself on her neck and smother her with kisses, without any apparent cause for such a passionate impulse. If any one was by, his manner was cold and reserved. The hopeful parts of his character were the determination evident in him to be a "law unto himself," and the serious thought which he gave to the formation of this law. There was an inclination in him to reason, especially and principally with Mr Benson, on the great questions of ethics which the majority of the world have settled long ago. But I do not think he ever so argued with his mother. Her lovely patience, and her humility, was earning its reward; and from her quiet piety, bearing sweetly the denial of her wishes—the refusal of her begging—the disgrace in which she lay, while others, less worthy, were employed—this, which perplexed him, and almost angered him at first, called out his reverence at last, and what she said he took for his law with proud humility; and thus softly, she was leading him up to God. His health was not strong; it was not likely to be. He moaned and talked in his sleep, and his appetite was still variable, part of which might be owing to his preference of the hardest lessons to any outdoor exercise. But this last unnatural symptom was vanishing before the assiduous kindness of Mr Farquhar, and the quiet but firm desire of his mother. Next to Ruth, Sally had perhaps the most influence over him; but he dearly loved both Mr and Miss Benson; although he was reserved on this, as on every point not purely intellectual. His was a hard childhood, and his mother felt that it was so. Children bear any moderate degree of poverty and privation cheerfully; but, in addition to a good deal of this, Leonard had to bear a sense of disgrace attaching to him and to the creature he loved best; this it was that took out of him the buoyancy and natural gladness of youth, in a way which no scantiness of food or clothing, or want of any outward comfort, could ever have done.
Ruth's only hope was Leonard. She was tired of searching for work, which always seemed just out of her reach. She wasn't impatient about it, but she felt deeply sorrowful. She knew she had a lot to offer, yet everyone overlooked her and passed her by. However, she noticed some growth in Leonard. It wasn't that he could enjoy the smooth transition from childhood to boyhood and then to youth, happily bouncing through each stage of life, completely unaware of his surroundings. Right now, Leonard's character lacked harmony; he was as full of thought and self-awareness as many adults, planning his actions well in advance to avoid what he feared—things she couldn't help him face because she was also struggling with her own cowardice and was hesitant about harsh truths. Still, Leonard was regaining some of his lost affection for his mother; when they were alone, he would throw himself around her neck and shower her with kisses, without any clear reason for such passionate gestures. When others were present, he became cold and distant. The encouraging aspects of his character included his evident determination to be a "law unto himself" and the serious consideration he gave to developing that law. He had a tendency to engage in discussions, especially with Mr. Benson, about significant ethical questions that most people have already settled long ago. But I don’t think he ever debated these topics with his mother. Her beautiful patience and humility were paying off; her quiet faith, accepting the denial of her wishes, her unmet requests, and the shame she felt while others, less deserving, were employed—this, which puzzled him and even frustrated him at first, eventually earned his respect. He began to see her words as his guiding principles, and in this gentle way, she was leading him closer to God. His health was fragile; it wasn't likely to improve. He would moan and talk in his sleep, and his appetite remained unpredictable, partly due to his preference for challenging lessons over outdoor activities. But this unsettling behavior was fading thanks to the dedicated care of Mr. Farquhar and the steady yet gentle encouragement from his mother. After Ruth, Sally might have been the second most influential person in his life; however, he loved both Mr. and Miss Benson dearly, even though he kept this to himself, just like with everything except intellectual discussions. He had a tough childhood, and his mother understood this well. Children can typically handle a reasonable amount of poverty and hardship cheerfully; however, along with experiencing a fair share of these struggles, Leonard also had to deal with a sense of shame linked to himself and the person he loved most. This was what drained him of the energy and natural joy of youth in a way that mere lack of food, clothing, or comfort could never achieve.
Two years had passed away—two long, eventless years. Something was now going to happen, which touched their hearts very nearly, though out of their sight and hearing. Jemima was going to be married this August, and by-and-by the very day was fixed. It was to be on the 14th. On the evening of the 13th, Ruth was sitting alone in the parlour, idly gazing out on the darkening shadows in the little garden; her eyes kept filling with quiet tears, that rose, not for her own isolation from all that was going on of bustle and preparation for the morrow's event, but because she had seen how Miss Benson had felt that she and her brother were left out from the gathering of old friends in the Bradshaw family. As Ruth sat, suddenly she was aware of a figure by her; she started up, and in the gloom of the apartment she recognised Jemima. In an instant they were in each other's arms—a long, fast embrace.
Two years had gone by—two long, uneventful years. Something was about to happen that touched their hearts deeply, even though it was out of their sight and hearing. Jemima was getting married this August, and soon the date was set. It would be on the 14th. On the evening of the 13th, Ruth was sitting alone in the living room, idly watching the darkening shadows in the small garden; her eyes filled with quiet tears, not for her own separation from the hustle and bustle of the upcoming event, but because she noticed how Miss Benson felt that she and her brother were excluded from the gathering of old friends in the Bradshaw family. As Ruth sat there, she suddenly noticed a figure next to her; she jumped up, and in the dim light of the room, she recognized Jemima. In an instant, they were in each other's arms—a long, tight embrace.
"Can you forgive me?" whispered Jemima in Ruth's ear.
"Can you forgive me?" Jemima whispered in Ruth's ear.
"Forgive you! What do you mean? What have I to forgive? The question is, can I ever thank you as I long to do, if I could find words?"
"Forgive you! What do you mean? What do I have to forgive? The real question is, can I ever thank you the way I really want to, if I could just find the right words?"
"Oh, Ruth, how I hated you once!"
"Oh, Ruth, how much I hated you back then!"
"It was all the more noble in you to stand by me as you did. You must have hated me when you knew how I was deceiving you all!"
"It was even more noble of you to stand by me like that. You must have hated me when you realized how I was lying to you all!"
"No, that was not it that made me hate you. It was before that. Oh, Ruth, I did hate you!"
"No, that wasn't what made me hate you. It was before that. Oh, Ruth, I really did hate you!"
They were silent for some time, still holding each other's hands. Ruth spoke first.
They stayed quiet for a bit, still holding hands. Ruth was the first to speak.
"And you are going to be married to-morrow!"
"And you're getting married tomorrow!"
"Yes," said Jemima. "To-morrow, at nine o'clock. But I don't think I could have been married without coming to wish Mr Benson and Miss Faith good-bye."
"Yes," said Jemima. "Tomorrow at nine o'clock. But I don't think I could have gotten married without saying goodbye to Mr. Benson and Miss Faith."
"I will go for them," said Ruth.
"I'll go get them," said Ruth.
"No, not just yet. I want to ask you one or two questions first. Nothing very particular; only it seems as if there had been such a strange, long separation between us. Ruth," said she, dropping her voice, "is Leonard stronger than he was? I was so sorry to hear about him from Walter. But he is better?" asked she, anxiously.
"No, not just yet. I want to ask you a couple of questions first. Nothing too specific; it just feels like there’s been such a strange, long separation between us. Ruth," she said, lowering her voice, "is Leonard stronger than he was? I was really sorry to hear about him from Walter. But he’s better now?" she asked, anxiously.
"Yes, he is better. Not what a boy of his age should be," replied his mother, in a tone of quiet but deep mournfulness. "Oh, Jemima!" continued she, "my sharpest punishment comes through him. To think what he might have been, and what he is!"
"Yes, he’s better. Not what a boy his age should be," his mother replied, her voice filled with quiet but deep sadness. "Oh, Jemima!" she went on, "my greatest pain comes from him. To think about what he could have been, and what he is!"
"But Walter says he is both stronger in health, and not so—nervous and shy." Jemima added the last words in a hesitating and doubtful manner, as if she did not know how to express her full meaning without hurting Ruth.
"But Walter says he is both healthier and not so—nervous and shy." Jemima added the last words hesitantly, as if she wasn't sure how to say what she really meant without upsetting Ruth.
"He does not show that he feels his disgrace so much. I cannot talk about it, Jemima, my heart aches so about him. But he is better," she continued, feeling that Jemima's kind anxiety required an answer at any cost of pain to herself. "He is only studying too closely now; he takes to his lessons evidently as a relief from thought. He is very clever, and I hope and trust, yet I tremble to say it, I believe he is very good."
"He doesn't show how much his disgrace affects him. I can’t talk about it, Jemima; it hurts my heart thinking about him. But he's doing better," she continued, sensing that Jemima's concerned questions needed a response, even if it caused her pain. "He's just studying too hard right now; he clearly immerses himself in his lessons to escape his thoughts. He's very smart, and I hope and believe—though I’m scared to say it—that he's a really good person."
"You must let him come and see us very often when we come back. We shall be two months away. We are going to Germany, partly on Walter's business. Ruth, I have been talking to papa to-night, very seriously and quietly, and it has made me love him so much more, and understand him so much better."
"You have to let him come and visit us often when we return. We'll be away for two months. We're going to Germany, partly for Walter's work. Ruth, I had a serious and calm conversation with Dad tonight, and it made me love him so much more and understand him so much better."
"Does he know of your coming here? I hope he does," said Ruth.
"Does he know you’re here? I hope he does," Ruth said.
"Yes. Not that he liked my doing it at all. But, somehow, I can always do things against a person's wishes more easily when I am on good terms with them—that's not exactly what I meant; but now to-night, after papa had been showing me that he really loved me more than I ever thought he had done (for I always fancied he was so absorbed in Dick, he did not care much for us girls), I felt brave enough to say that I intended to come here and bid you all good-bye. He was silent for a minute, and then said I might do it, but I must remember he did not approve of it, and was not to be compromised by my coming; still I can tell that, at the bottom of his heart, there is some of the old kindly feeling to Mr and Miss Benson, and I don't despair of its all being made up, though, perhaps, I ought to say that mamma does."
"Yes. Not that he liked me doing it at all. But somehow, I can always go against someone’s wishes more easily when I’m on good terms with them—that’s not exactly what I meant; but tonight, after Dad showed me that he really loves me more than I ever realized (because I always thought he was so focused on Dick that he didn’t care much for us girls), I felt brave enough to say that I intended to come here and say goodbye to all of you. He was silent for a moment, then said I could do it, but I had to remember he didn’t approve and didn’t want to be put in a tricky position because of my coming. Still, I can tell that deep down, he has some of the old kindness for Mr. and Miss Benson, and I’m hopeful that everything can be resolved, although maybe I should mention that Mom isn’t as optimistic."
"Mr and Miss Benson won't hear of my going away," said Ruth, sadly.
"Mr. and Miss Benson won't let me leave," Ruth said, sadly.
"They are quite right."
"They're absolutely right."
"But I am earning nothing. I cannot get any employment. I am only a burden and an expense."
"But I’m not making any money. I can’t find a job. I’m just a burden and a cost."
"Are you not also a pleasure? And Leonard, is he not a dear object of love? It is easy for me to talk, I know, who am so impatient. Oh, I never deserved to be so happy as I am! You don't know how good Walter is. I used to think him so cold and cautious. But now, Ruth, will you tell Mr and Miss Benson that I am here? There is signing of papers, and I don't know what to be done at home. And when I come back, I hope to see you often, if you'll let me."
"Are you not also a joy? And Leonard, isn’t he a beloved person? I know it’s easy for me to say, being so impatient myself. Oh, I never thought I’d be this happy! You have no idea how wonderful Walter is. I used to think he was so distant and careful. But now, Ruth, will you let Mr. and Miss Benson know that I’m here? There are papers to sign, and I’m not sure what needs to be done at home. When I come back, I hope to see you often, if you don’t mind."
Mr and Miss Benson gave her a warm greeting. Sally was called in, and would bring a candle with her, to have a close inspection of her, in order to see if she was changed—she had not seen her for so long a time, she said; and Jemima stood laughing and blushing in the middle of the room, while Sally studied her all over, and would not be convinced that the old gown which she was wearing for the last time was not one of the new wedding ones. The consequence of which misunderstanding was, that Sally, in her short petticoats and bedgown, turned up her nose at the old-fashioned way in which Miss Bradshaw's gown was made. But Jemima knew the old woman, and rather enjoyed the contempt for her dress. At last she kissed them all, and ran away to her impatient Mr Farquhar, who was awaiting her.
Mr. and Ms. Benson greeted her warmly. Sally was called in and brought a candle to get a closer look at her, wanting to see if she had changed—she hadn't seen her in such a long time, she said; and Jemima stood there, laughing and blushing in the middle of the room, while Sally examined her closely and insisted that the old dress she was wearing for the last time wasn’t one of the new wedding dresses. This misunderstanding led to Sally, in her short skirt and nightgown, looking down on the old-fashioned style of Miss Bradshaw's dress. But Jemima knew the old woman and actually enjoyed the disdain for her outfit. Finally, she kissed them all and dashed off to her eager Mr. Farquhar, who was waiting for her.
Not many weeks after this, the poor old woman whom I have named as having become a friend of Ruth's, during Leonard's illness three years ago, fell down and broke her hip-bone. It was a serious—probably a fatal injury, for one so old; and as soon as Ruth heard of it she devoted all her leisure time to old Ann Fleming. Leonard had now outstript his mother's powers of teaching, and Mr Benson gave him his lessons; so Ruth was a great deal at the cottage both night and day.
Not long after this, the elderly woman I mentioned as a friend of Ruth's during Leonard's illness three years ago fell and broke her hip. It was a serious—possibly fatal—injury for someone her age, and as soon as Ruth found out, she dedicated all her free time to taking care of Ann Fleming. Leonard had surpassed his mother's teaching abilities, so Mr. Benson took over his lessons; this meant that Ruth spent a lot of time at the cottage, both day and night.
There Jemima found her one November evening, the second after their return from their prolonged stay on the Continent. She and Mr Farquhar had been to the Bensons, and had sat there some time; and now Jemima had come on just to see Ruth for five minutes, before the evening was too dark for her to return alone. She found Ruth sitting on a stool before the fire, which was composed of a few sticks on the hearth. The blaze they gave was, however, enough to enable her to read; and she was deep in study of the Bible, in which she had read aloud to the poor old woman, until the latter had fallen asleep. Jemima beckoned her out, and they stood on the green just before the open door, so that Ruth could see if Ann awoke.
There Jemima found her one November evening, just after their extended trip abroad. She and Mr. Farquhar had visited the Bensons and spent some time there; now Jemima had come by to see Ruth for a few minutes before it got too dark for her to head back alone. She found Ruth sitting on a stool in front of a small fire made of a few sticks on the hearth. The glow was enough for her to read, and she was engrossed in the Bible, which she had read aloud to the poor old woman until she dozed off. Jemima signaled for her to come out, and they stood on the green right outside the door so that Ruth could see if Ann woke up.
"I have not many minutes to stay, only I felt as if I must see you. And we want Leonard to come to us to see all our German purchases, and hear all our German adventures. May he come to-morrow?"
"I don’t have much time, but I felt like I needed to see you. We want Leonard to come over to check out all our German purchases and hear about all our German adventures. Can he come tomorrow?"
"Yes; thank you. Oh! Jemima, I have heard something—I have got a plan that makes me so happy! I have not told any one yet. But Mr Wynne (the parish doctor, you know) has asked me if I would go out as a sick nurse—he thinks he could find me employment."
"Yes; thank you. Oh! Jemima, I’ve heard something—I have a plan that makes me so happy! I haven’t told anyone yet. But Mr. Wynne (the parish doctor, you know) asked me if I would go out as a sick nurse—he thinks he could find me work."
"You, a sick nurse!" said Jemima, involuntarily glancing over the beautiful lithe figure, and the lovely refinement of Ruth's face as the light of the rising moon fell upon it. "My dear Ruth, I don't think you are fitted for it!"
"You, a sick nurse!" Jemima exclaimed, inadvertently looking over Ruth's beautiful, slender figure and the lovely refinement of her face as the light of the rising moon illuminated it. "My dear Ruth, I really don't think you're cut out for it!"
"Don't you?" said Ruth, a little disappointed. "I think I am; at least, that I should be very soon. I like being about sick and helpless people; I always feel so sorry for them; and then I think I have the gift of a very delicate touch, which is such a comfort in many cases. And I should try to be very watchful and patient. Mr Wynne proposed it himself."
"Don't you?" Ruth said, a bit let down. "I think I am; at least, I should be very soon. I enjoy being around sick and helpless people; I always feel so sorry for them. Plus, I think I have a gentle touch, which can be really comforting in a lot of situations. And I would make sure to be very attentive and patient. Mr. Wynne suggested it himself."
"It was not in that way I meant you were not fitted for it. I meant that you were fitted for something better. Why, Ruth, you are better educated than I am!"
"It wasn't that I thought you weren't suited for it. I meant that you're meant for something better. Honestly, Ruth, you're better educated than I am!"
"But if nobody will allow me to teach?—for that is what I suppose you mean. Besides, I feel as if all my education would be needed to make me a good sick nurse."
"But what if no one lets me teach?—because that's what I think you mean. Plus, I feel like all my education will be necessary to help me become a good nurse for the sick."
"Your knowledge of Latin, for instance," said Jemima, hitting, in her vexation at the plan, on the first acquirement of Ruth she could think of.
"Your knowledge of Latin, for example," said Jemima, expressing her frustration with the plan by mentioning the first thing about Ruth that came to her mind.
"Well!" said Ruth, "that won't come amiss; I can read the prescriptions."
"Well!" said Ruth, "that will be helpful; I can read the prescriptions."
"Which the doctors would rather you did not do."
"Which the doctors would prefer you not to do."
"Still, you can't say that any knowledge of any kind will be in my way, or will unfit me for my work."
"Still, you can't say that any kind of knowledge will hold me back or make me less capable of doing my job."
"Perhaps not. But all your taste and refinement will be in your way, and will unfit you."
"Maybe not. But all your taste and refinement will hold you back and make you less suitable."
"You have not thought about this so much as I have, or you would not say so. Any fastidiousness I shall have to get rid of, and I shall be better without; but any true refinement I am sure I shall find of use; for don't you think that every power we have may be made to help us in any right work, whatever that is? Would you not rather be nursed by a person who spoke gently and moved quietly about than by a loud bustling woman?"
"You haven't thought about this as much as I have, or you wouldn't say that. I'll need to let go of any fussiness, and I'll be better off without it; but I believe any real refinement will be helpful because don't you think every ability we have can assist us in any good work, whatever that may be? Wouldn't you prefer to be cared for by someone who speaks softly and moves around quietly rather than by a loud, busy person?"
"Yes, to be sure; but a person unfit for anything else may move quietly, and speak gently, and give medicine when the doctor orders it, and keep awake at night; and those are the best qualities I ever heard of in a sick nurse."
"Yes, that's true; but someone who's not suited for anything else can still move quietly, speak softly, give medicine as prescribed by the doctor, and stay awake at night; and those are the best traits I’ve ever heard of in a sick nurse."
Ruth was quite silent for some time. At last she said: "At any rate it is work, and as such I am thankful for it. You cannot discourage me—and perhaps you know too little of what my life has been—how set apart in idleness I have been—to sympathise with me fully."
Ruth was quiet for a while. Finally, she said, "Either way, it's work, and I'm grateful for it. You can't discourage me—and maybe you don't really understand what my life has been like—all that time I've spent in idleness—to fully sympathize with me."
"And I wanted you to come to see us—me in my new home. Walter and I had planned that we would persuade you to come to us very often" (she had planned, and Mr Farquhar had consented); "and now you will have to be fastened up in a sick-room."
"And I wanted you to come and visit us—me in my new place. Walter and I had planned to convince you to come by really often" (she had planned, and Mr. Farquhar had agreed); "and now you'll have to be stuck in a sick room."
"I could not have come," said Ruth quickly. "Dear Jemima! it is like you to have thought of it—but I could not come to your house. It is not a thing to reason about. It is just feeling. But I do feel as if I could not go. Dear Jemima! if you are ill or sorrowful, and want me, I will come—"
"I couldn’t have come," Ruth said quickly. "Dear Jemima! It’s so like you to have thought of it—but I just can’t come to your house. It’s not something to think about. It’s just how I feel. But I really feel like I can’t go. Dear Jemima! If you’re sick or sad and need me, I will come—
"So you would and must to any one, if you take up that calling."
"So you definitely would and have to do the same for anyone if you choose that path."
"But I should come to you, love, in quite a different way; I should go to you with my heart full of love—so full that I am afraid I should be too anxious."
"But I should come to you, love, in a completely different way; I should go to you with my heart overflowing with love—so full that I’m afraid I might be too anxious."
"I almost wish I were ill, that I might make you come at once."
"I almost wish I were sick so you would come right away."
"And I am almost ashamed to think how I should like you to be in some position in which I could show you how well I remember that day—that terrible day in the school-room. God bless you for it, Jemima!"
"And I’m almost embarrassed to admit how much I wish you were in a situation where I could show you how well I remember that day—that awful day in the classroom. God bless you for it, Jemima!"
CHAPTER XXX
The Forged Deed
Mr Wynne, the parish surgeon, was right. He could and did obtain employment for Ruth as a sick nurse. Her home was with the Bensons; every spare moment was given to Leonard and to them; but she was at the call of all the invalids in the town. At first her work lay exclusively among the paupers. At first, too, there was a recoil from many circumstances, which impressed upon her the most fully the physical sufferings of those whom she tended. But she tried to lose the sense of these—or rather to lessen them, and make them take their appointed places—in thinking of the individuals themselves, as separate from their decaying frames; and all along she had enough self-command to control herself from expressing any sign of repugnance. She allowed herself no nervous haste of movement or touch that should hurt the feelings of the poorest, most friendless creature, who ever lay a victim to disease. There was no rough getting over of all the disagreeable and painful work of her employment. When it was a lessening of pain to have the touch careful and delicate, and the ministration performed with gradual skill, Ruth thought of her charge, and not of herself. As she had foretold, she found a use for all her powers. The poor patients themselves were unconsciously gratified and soothed by her harmony and refinement of manner, voice, and gesture. If this harmony and refinement had been merely superficial, it would not have had this balmy effect. That arose from its being the true expression of a kind, modest, and humble spirit. By degrees her reputation as a nurse spread upwards, and many sought her good offices who could well afford to pay for them. Whatever remuneration was offered to her, she took it simply and without comment; for she felt that it was not hers to refuse; that it was, in fact, owing to the Bensons for her and her child's subsistence. She went wherever her services were first called for. If the poor bricklayer, who broke both his legs in a fall from the scaffolding, sent for her when she was disengaged, she went and remained with him until he could spare her, let who would be the next claimant. From the happy and prosperous in all but health, she would occasionally beg off, when some one less happy and more friendless wished for her; and sometimes she would ask for a little money from Mr Benson to give to such in their time of need. But it was astonishing how much she was able to do without money.
Mr. Wynne, the parish surgeon, was right. He found Ruth a job as a sick nurse. She lived with the Bensons and spent every free moment with Leonard and them, but she was available to all the sick people in town. Initially, her work was solely with the poor. At first, she struggled with many aspects of her job, which made her acutely aware of the physical suffering of those she cared for. But she tried to push those feelings aside—rather, to lessen them—and focus on the individuals as separate from their deteriorating bodies; all along, she managed to control her reactions and showed no sign of disgust. She allowed herself no anxious movements or touches that might offend the feelings of the most unfortunate, friendless person facing illness. She never rushed through the unpleasant and painful tasks of her job. When being gentle and delicate helped ease someone's pain, Ruth focused on her patient, not herself. As she had predicted, she found a purpose for all her abilities. The patients themselves were unintentionally comforted by her calm demeanor, voice, and gestures. If her composure had been only surface-level, it wouldn’t have had such a soothing effect. That soothing quality came from being a genuinely kind, modest, and humble person. Gradually, her reputation as a nurse grew, and many sought her help who could easily pay for it. Whatever payment was offered, she accepted it simply and without discussion, as she felt it wasn't hers to refuse; it was, in fact, what the Bensons owed her for her and her child’s support. She went wherever her services were needed first. If the poor bricklayer, who broke both legs falling from scaffolding, called for her when she was available, she went and stayed with him until he no longer needed her, regardless of who else might call for her next. From those who were happy and successful except for their health, she would sometimes excuse herself when someone less fortunate needed her; and sometimes she would ask Mr. Benson for a little money to help those in their time of need. But it was remarkable how much she could do without any money.
Her ways were very quiet; she never spoke much. Any one who has been oppressed with the weight of a vital secret for years, and much more any one the character of whose life has been stamped by one event, and that producing sorrow and shame, is naturally reserved. And yet Ruth's silence was not like reserve; it was too gentle and tender for that. It had more the effect of a hush of all loud or disturbing emotions, and out of the deep calm the words that came forth had a beautiful power. She did not talk much about religion; but those who noticed her knew that it was the unseen banner which she was following. The low-breathed sentences which she spoke into the ear of the sufferer and the dying carried them upwards to God.
Her demeanor was very quiet; she didn’t say much. Anyone who has been burdened with a heavy secret for years, especially someone whose life has been defined by a single event that brought sorrow and shame, tends to be reserved. Yet, Ruth's silence wasn’t just reserve; it was too gentle and caring for that. It felt more like a stillness that muted all loud or disturbing emotions, and from that deep calm, her words had a beautiful strength. She didn’t often discuss religion, but those who observed her understood it was the invisible banner she was following. The softly spoken sentences she shared with the suffering and the dying lifted them towards God.
She gradually became known and respected among the roughest boys of the rough populace of the town. They would make way for her when she passed along the streets with more deference than they used to most; for all knew something of the tender care with which she had attended this or that sick person, and, besides, she was so often in connexion with Death that something of the superstitious awe with which the dead were regarded by those rough boys in the midst of their strong life, surrounded her.
She slowly gained recognition and respect among the toughest boys in the rough crowd of the town. They would step aside for her as she walked down the streets, showing her more respect than they usually did for most people; everyone knew about the gentle care she provided to this or that sick person. Plus, she was frequently associated with Death, which brought a sense of superstitious awe from those tough boys, who were surrounded by their strong lives.
She herself did not feel changed. She felt just as faulty—as far from being what she wanted to be, as ever. She best knew how many of her good actions were incomplete, and marred with evil. She did not feel much changed from the earliest Ruth she could remember. Everything seemed to change but herself. Mr and Miss Benson grew old, and Sally grew deaf, and Leonard was shooting up, and Jemima was a mother. She and the distant hills that she saw from her chamber window, seemed the only things which were the same as when she first came to Eccleston. As she sat looking out, and taking her fill of solitude, which sometimes was her most thorough rest—as she sat at the attic window looking abroad—she saw their next-door neighbour carried out to sun himself in his garden. When she first came to Eccleston, this neighbour and his daughter were often seen taking long and regular walks; by-and-by his walks became shorter, and the attentive daughter would convoy him home, and set out afresh to finish her own. Of late years he had only gone out in the garden behind his house; but at first he had walked pretty briskly there by his daughter's help—now he was carried, and placed in a large, cushioned easy-chair, his head remaining where it was placed against the pillow, and hardly moving when his kind daughter, who was now middle-aged, brought him the first roses of the summer. This told Ruth of the lapse of life and time.
She didn’t feel any different. She felt just as flawed—just as far from being who she wanted to be as ever. She was most aware of how many of her good deeds were unfinished and tainted with negativity. She didn’t feel much changed from the earliest version of herself that she could remember. Everything seemed to change except for her. Mr. and Miss Benson grew old, Sally became deaf, Leonard was growing up fast, and Jemima was now a mother. She and the distant hills she could see from her attic window seemed to be the only things that stayed the same since she first arrived in Eccleston. As she sat there, taking in the solitude that sometimes offered her the most complete rest—as she sat at the attic window looking out—she saw their neighbor being carried out to enjoy the sunshine in his garden. When she first got to Eccleston, this neighbor and his daughter were often seen taking long walks together; eventually, his walks became shorter, and his attentive daughter would escort him home and then set out again to finish her own. In recent years, he had only gone out to the garden behind his house; but at first, he had walked pretty briskly with his daughter’s help—now he was carried out and placed in a large, cushioned easy chair, his head resting where it had been set against the pillow, hardly moving when his kind daughter, who was now middle-aged, brought him the first roses of the summer. This reminded Ruth of the passage of life and time.
Mr and Mrs Farquhar were constant in their attentions; but there was no sign of Mr Bradshaw ever forgiving the imposition which had been practised upon him, and Mr Benson ceased to hope for any renewal of their intercourse. Still, he thought that he must know of all the kind attentions which Jemima paid to them, and of the fond regard which both she and her husband bestowed on Leonard. This latter feeling even went so far that Mr Farquhar called one day, and with much diffidence begged Mr Benson to urge Ruth to let him be sent to school at his (Mr Farquhar's) expense.
Mr. and Mrs. Farquhar were consistently attentive, but there was no sign that Mr. Bradshaw would ever forgive the deception that had been done to him, and Mr. Benson gave up hope for any revival of their relationship. Still, he believed he should be aware of all the kind gestures Jemima showed them and of the affection that both she and her husband had for Leonard. This feeling was so strong that one day, Mr. Farquhar visited and, with great hesitation, asked Mr. Benson to persuade Ruth to allow him to cover the costs of sending Leonard to school.
Mr Benson was taken by surprise, and hesitated. "I do not know. It would be a great advantage in some respects; and yet I doubt whether it would in others. His mother's influence over him is thoroughly good, and I should fear that any thoughtless allusions to his peculiar position might touch the raw spot in his mind."
Mr. Benson was caught off guard and paused. "I’m not sure. It could be a big benefit in some ways; however, I’m not convinced it would be in others. His mother’s influence on him is definitely positive, and I worry that any careless comments about his unique situation might hit a sensitive nerve."
"But he is so unusually clever, it seems a shame not to give him all the advantages he can have. Besides, does he see much of his mother now?"
"But he's so incredibly smart, it feels wrong not to give him every advantage possible. Plus, does he spend much time with his mom these days?"
"Hardly a day passes without her coming home to be an hour or so with him, even at her busiest times; she says it is her best refreshment. And often, you know, she is disengaged for a week or two, except the occasional services which she is always rendering to those who need her. Your offer is very tempting, but there is so decidedly another view of the question to be considered, that I believe we must refer it to her."
"Hardly a day goes by without her coming home to spend an hour or so with him, even when she's busy; she says it's the best way for her to recharge. And often, as you know, she is away for a week or two, except for the occasional help she offers to those in need. Your offer is very tempting, but there's definitely another side to this to think about, so I believe we should discuss it with her."
"With all my heart. Don't hurry her to a decision. Let her weigh it well. I think she will find the advantages preponderate."
"With all my heart. Don't rush her into making a decision. Let her think it through. I believe she will see that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks."
"I wonder if I might trouble you with a little business, Mr Farquhar, as you are here?"
"I wonder if I could bother you with a little matter, Mr. Farquhar, now that you're here?"
"Certainly; I am only too glad to be of any use to you."
"Of course! I'm really happy to help you out."
"Why, I see from the report of the Star Life Assurance Company in the Times, which you are so good as to send me, that they have declared a bonus on the shares; now it seems strange that I have received no notification of it, and I thought that perhaps it might be lying at your office, as Mr Bradshaw was the purchaser of the shares, and I have always received the dividends through your firm."
"Well, I noticed in the report from the Star Life Assurance Company in the Times, which you kindly sent me, that they declared a bonus on the shares. It’s odd that I haven’t received any notification about it, and I thought it might be at your office since Mr. Bradshaw bought the shares, and I’ve always received the dividends through your firm."
Mr Farquhar took the newspaper, and ran his eye over the report.
Mr. Farquhar grabbed the newspaper and skimmed the report.
"I've no doubt that's the way of it," said he. "Some of our clerks have been careless about it; or it may be Richard himself. He is not always the most punctual and exact of mortals; but I'll see about it. Perhaps after all it mayn't come for a day or two; they have always such numbers of these circulars to send out."
"I have no doubt that's how it is," he said. "Some of our clerks have been a bit careless about it; or it might be Richard himself. He's not always the most punctual and precise person; but I'll look into it. Maybe it won't come for a day or two after all; they always have so many of these circulars to send out."
"Oh! I'm in no hurry about it. I only want to receive it some time before I incur any expenses, which the promise of this bonus may tempt me to indulge in."
"Oh! I'm not in any rush about it. I just want to get it sometime before I start spending money, which this promise of a bonus might tempt me to do."
Mr Farquhar took his leave. That evening there was a long conference, for, as it happened, Ruth was at home. She was strenuously against the school plan. She could see no advantages that would counterbalance the evil which she dreaded from any school for Leonard; namely, that the good opinion and regard of the world would assume too high an importance in his eyes. The very idea seemed to produce in her so much shrinking affright, that by mutual consent the subject was dropped; to be taken up again, or not, according to circumstances.
Mr. Farquhar said his goodbyes. That evening, there was a long discussion because Ruth was home. She strongly opposed the school plan. She couldn’t see any benefits that would make up for the harm she feared any school would bring to Leonard; specifically, that the approval and respect of the world would become too important to him. The very thought filled her with such dread that they both agreed to drop the topic, leaving it open to revisit later, depending on the situation.
Mr Farquhar wrote the next morning, on Mr Benson's behalf, to the Insurance Company, to inquire about the bonus. Although he wrote in the usual formal way, he did not think it necessary to tell Mr Bradshaw what he had done; for Mr Benson's name was rarely mentioned between the partners; each had been made fully aware of the views which the other entertained on the subject that had caused the estrangement; and Mr Farquhar felt that no external argument could affect Mr Bradshaw's resolved disapproval and avoidance of his former minister.
Mr. Farquhar wrote the next morning, on Mr. Benson's behalf, to the Insurance Company to ask about the bonus. Even though he wrote in the usual formal way, he didn’t think it was necessary to tell Mr. Bradshaw what he had done; Mr. Benson's name rarely came up between the partners. Each was fully aware of the views the other held regarding the issue that had caused their falling out, and Mr. Farquhar felt that no outside argument could change Mr. Bradshaw's firm disapproval and avoidance of his former minister.
As it happened, the answer from the Insurance Company (directed to the firm) was given to Mr Bradshaw along with the other business letters. It was to the effect that Mr Benson's shares had been sold and transferred above a twelvemonth ago, which sufficiently accounted for the circumstance that no notification of the bonus had been sent to him.
As it turned out, the response from the Insurance Company (addressed to the firm) was given to Mr. Bradshaw along with the other business letters. It stated that Mr. Benson's shares had been sold and transferred more than a year ago, which clearly explained why he hadn't received any notification about the bonus.
Mr Bradshaw tossed the letter on one side, not displeased to have a good reason for feeling a little contempt at the unbusiness-like forgetfulness of Mr Benson, at whose instance some one had evidently been writing to the Insurance Company. On Mr Farquhar's entrance he expressed this feeling to him.
Mr. Bradshaw tossed the letter aside, somewhat glad to have a valid reason to feel a bit of contempt for the careless forgetfulness of Mr. Benson, who had evidently gotten someone to write to the Insurance Company. When Mr. Farquhar walked in, he shared this sentiment with him.
"Really," he said, "these Dissenting ministers have no more notion of exactitude in their affairs than a child! The idea of forgetting that he has sold his shares, and applying for the bonus, when it seems he has transferred them only a year ago!"
"Honestly," he said, "these Dissenting ministers have no more understanding of precision in their dealings than a child! The thought of forgetting that he sold his shares and applying for the bonus when it seems he transferred them just a year ago!"
Mr Farquhar was reading the letter while Mr Bradshaw spoke.
Mr. Farquhar was reading the letter while Mr. Bradshaw talked.
"I don't quite understand it," said he. "Mr Benson was quite clear about it. He could not have received his half-yearly dividends unless he had been possessed of these shares; and I don't suppose Dissenting ministers, with all their ignorance of business, are unlike other men in knowing whether or not they receive the money that they believe to be owing to them."
"I don't really get it," he said. "Mr. Benson was pretty clear about it. He couldn't have gotten his half-yearly dividends unless he owned those shares; and I don't think that Dissenting ministers, despite their lack of business knowledge, are any different from other people in knowing whether or not they receive the money they think they’re owed."
"I should not wonder if they were—if Benson was, at any rate. Why, I never knew his watch to be right in all my life—it was always too fast or too slow; it must have been a daily discomfort to him. It ought to have been. Depend upon it, his money matters are just in the same irregular state; no accounts kept, I'll be bound."
"I wouldn't be surprised if they were—if Benson was, at least. I mean, I've never known his watch to be accurate in my life—it was always too fast or too slow; it must have been a constant irritation for him. It should have been. You can bet his finances are just as chaotic; no records kept, I’m sure."
"I don't see that that follows," said Mr Farquhar, half amused. "That watch of his is a very curious one—belonged to his father and grandfather, I don't know how far back."
"I don't think that's the case," Mr. Farquhar said, half amused. "That watch of his is really interesting—it belonged to his father and grandfather, and I’m not sure how far back it goes."
"And the sentimental feelings which he is guided by prompt him to keep it, to the inconvenience of himself and every one else."
"And the sentimental feelings that guide him motivate him to hold onto it, causing inconvenience for himself and everyone around him."
Mr Farquhar gave up the subject of the watch as hopeless.
Mr. Farquhar abandoned the topic of the watch, considering it a lost cause.
"But about this letter. I wrote, at Mr Benson's desire, to the Insurance Office, and I am not satisfied with this answer. All the transaction has passed through our hands. I do not think it is likely Mr Benson would write and sell the shares without, at any rate, informing us at the time, even though he forgot all about it afterwards."
"But about this letter. I wrote to the Insurance Office at Mr. Benson's request, and I'm not happy with this response. All the transactions have gone through us. I don't think it's likely that Mr. Benson would write and sell the shares without at least informing us at the time, even if he forgot about it later."
"Probably he told Richard, or Mr Watson."
"Maybe he told Richard or Mr. Watson."
"We can ask Mr Watson at once. I am afraid we must wait till Richard comes home, for I don't know where a letter would catch him."
"We can ask Mr. Watson right now. I'm afraid we'll have to wait until Richard gets home because I have no idea where a letter would reach him."
Mr Bradshaw pulled the bell that rang into the head-clerk's room, saying as he did so,
Mr. Bradshaw rang the bell that connected to the head clerk's office, saying as he did so,
"You may depend upon it, Farquhar, the blunder lies with Benson himself. He is just the man to muddle away his money in indiscriminate charity, and then to wonder what has become of it."
"You can count on it, Farquhar, the mistake is with Benson himself. He’s exactly the type to waste his money on random acts of charity and then be puzzled about where it all went."
Mr Farquhar was discreet enough to hold his tongue.
Mr. Farquhar was smart enough to keep quiet.
"Mr Watson," said Mr Bradshaw, as the old clerk made his appearance, "here is some mistake about those Insurance shares we purchased for Benson ten or a dozen years ago. He spoke to Mr Farquhar about some bonus they are paying to the shareholders, it seems; and, in reply to Mr Farquhar's letter, the Insurance Company say the shares were sold twelve months since. Have you any knowledge of the transaction? Has the transfer passed through your hands? By the way" (turning to Mr Farquhar), "who kept the certificates? Did Benson or we?"
"Mr. Watson," said Mr. Bradshaw as the old clerk entered, "there's been some mix-up with those insurance shares we bought for Benson about ten or twelve years ago. He talked to Mr. Farquhar about a bonus they're giving to shareholders, and in response to Mr. Farquhar's letter, the insurance company said the shares were sold a year ago. Do you know anything about this transaction? Did the transfer go through you? By the way," he turned to Mr. Farquhar, "who had the certificates? Was it Benson or us?"
"I really don't know," said Mr Farquhar. "Perhaps Mr Watson can tell us."
"I honestly have no idea," said Mr. Farquhar. "Maybe Mr. Watson can give us some answers."
Mr Watson meanwhile was studying the letter. When he had ended it, he took off his spectacles, wiped them, and replacing them, he read it again.
Mr. Watson was studying the letter. After he finished, he took off his glasses, wiped them clean, and put them back on to read it again.
"It seems very strange, sir," he said at length, with his trembling, aged voice, "for I paid Mr Benson the account of the dividends myself last June, and got a receipt in form, and that is since the date of the alleged transfer."
"It seems really odd, sir," he said after a moment, with his shaking, old voice, "because I personally paid Mr. Benson the dividend account last June and got a proper receipt, and that was after the date of the supposed transfer."
"Pretty nearly twelve months after it took place," said Mr Farquhar.
"Almost twelve months after it happened," said Mr. Farquhar.
"How did you receive the dividends? An order on the Bank, along with old Mrs Cranmer's?" asked Mr Bradshaw, sharply.
"How did you get the dividends? A transfer from the bank, along with old Mrs. Cranmer's?" asked Mr. Bradshaw, sharply.
"I don't know how they came. Mr Richard gave me the money, and desired me to get the receipt."
"I don't know how they arrived. Mr. Richard gave me the money and asked me to get the receipt."
"It's unlucky Richard is from home," said Mr Bradshaw. "He could have cleared up this mystery for us."
"It's too bad Richard isn't here," said Mr. Bradshaw. "He could have solved this mystery for us."
Mr Farquhar was silent.
Mr. Farquhar was quiet.
"Do you know where the certificates were kept, Mr Watson?" said he.
"Do you know where the certificates were stored, Mr. Watson?" he asked.
"I'll not be sure, but I think they were with Mrs Cranmer's papers and deeds in box A, 24."
"I’m not completely sure, but I think they were with Mrs. Cranmer’s papers and documents in box A, 24."
"I wish old Cranmer would have made any other man his executor. She, too, is always coming with some unreasonable request or other."
"I wish old Cranmer had chosen someone else to be his executor. She’s always coming up with some ridiculous request or another."
"Mr Benson's inquiry about his bonus is perfectly reasonable, at any rate."
"Mr. Benson's question about his bonus is completely reasonable, anyway."
Mr Watson, who was dwelling in the slow fashion of age on what had been said before, now spoke:
Mr. Watson, who was slowly reflecting on what had been said earlier due to his age, now spoke:
"I'll not be sure, but I am almost certain, Mr Benson said, when I paid him last June, that he thought he ought to give the receipt on a stamp, and had spoken about it to Mr Richard the time before, but that Mr Richard said it was of no consequence. Yes," continued he, gathering up his memory as he went on, "he did—I remember now—and I thought to myself that Mr Richard was but a young man. Mr Richard will know all about it."
"I can't be entirely sure, but I'm almost certain that when I paid Mr. Benson last June, he thought he should provide the receipt on a stamp. He had mentioned this to Mr. Richard the previous time, but Mr. Richard said it wasn't important. Yes," he continued, trying to recall the details, "he did—I remember now—and I thought to myself that Mr. Richard was just a young man. Mr. Richard will know all about it."
"Yes," said Mr Farquhar, gravely.
"Yes," Mr. Farquhar replied seriously.
"I shan't wait till Richard's return," said Mr Bradshaw. "We can soon see if the certificates are in the box Watson points out; if they are there, the Insurance people are no more fit to manage their concern than that cat, and I shall tell them so. If they are not there (as I suspect will prove to be the case), it is just forgetfulness on Benson's part, as I have said from the first."
"I won't wait for Richard to come back," said Mr. Bradshaw. "We can quickly check if the certificates are in the box Watson mentioned; if they are there, the Insurance people are no more qualified to run their business than that cat, and I’ll let them know. If they aren’t there (which I suspect will be the case), it’s just Benson forgetting, as I've said from the start."
"You forget the payment of the dividends," said Mr Farquhar, in a low voice.
"You forgot to pay the dividends," Mr. Farquhar said quietly.
"Well, sir! what then?" said Mr Bradshaw, abruptly. While he spoke—while his eye met Mr Farquhar's—the hinted meaning of the latter flashed through his mind; but he was only made angry to find that such a suspicion could pass through any one's imagination.
"Well, sir! What’s next?" Mr. Bradshaw said abruptly. As he spoke—while his gaze met Mr. Farquhar's—the implied meaning of the latter crossed his mind; but he only felt anger that such a suspicion could even enter someone's thoughts.
"I suppose I may go, sir," said Watson, respectfully, an uneasy consciousness of what was in Mr Farquhar's thoughts troubling the faithful old clerk.
"I guess I can go now, sir," said Watson, respectfully, feeling uneasy about what Mr. Farquhar was thinking, which troubled the loyal old clerk.
"Yes. Go. What do you mean about the dividends?" asked Mr Bradshaw, impetuously of Mr Farquhar.
"Yes. Go. What do you mean about the dividends?" Mr. Bradshaw asked Mr. Farquhar, speaking impulsively.
"Simply, that I think there can have been no forgetfulness—no mistake on Mr Benson's part," said Mr Farquhar, unwilling to put his dim suspicion into words.
"Honestly, I believe there was no forgetfulness—no mistake made by Mr. Benson," said Mr. Farquhar, hesitant to put his vague suspicions into words.
"Then of course it is some blunder of that confounded Insurance Company. I will write to them to-day, and make them a little brisker and more correct in their statements."
"Then, of course, it's just some mistake by that annoying Insurance Company. I'll write to them today and push them to be a bit faster and more accurate in their statements."
"Don't you think it would be better to wait till Richard's return? He may be able to explain it."
"Don’t you think it would be better to wait until Richard gets back? He might be able to explain it."
"No, sir!" said Mr Bradshaw, sharply. "I do not think it would be better. It has not been my way of doing business to spare any one, or any company, the consequences of their own carelessness; nor to obtain information second-hand when I could have it direct from the source. I shall write to the Insurance Office by the next post."
"No, sir!" Mr. Bradshaw said sharply. "I don't think it would be better. I’ve never run my business by sparing anyone or any company from the consequences of their own carelessness, nor do I settle for second-hand information when I can get it straight from the source. I will write to the Insurance Office with the next mail."
Mr Farquhar saw that any further remonstrance on his part would only aggravate his partner's obstinacy; and, besides, it was but a suspicion—an uncomfortable suspicion. It was possible that some of the clerks at the Insurance Office might have made a mistake. Watson was not sure, after all, that the certificates had been deposited in box A, 24; and when he and Mr Farquhar could not find them there, the old man drew more and yet more back from his first assertion of belief that they had been placed there.
Mr. Farquhar realized that pushing his partner any further would only make his stubbornness worse; besides, it was just a suspicion—an uneasy suspicion. It was possible that some of the clerks at the Insurance Office could have made an error. Watson wasn't completely certain that the certificates had actually been put in box A, 24; and when he and Mr. Farquhar couldn't find them there, the old man continued to retreat further from his initial belief that they had been placed there.
Mr Bradshaw wrote an angry and indignant reproach of carelessness to the Insurance Company. By the next mail one of their clerks came down to Eccleston; and having leisurely refreshed himself at the inn, and ordered his dinner with care, he walked up to the great warehouse of Bradshaw and Co., and sent in his card, with a pencil notification, "On the part of the Star Insurance Company," to Mr Bradshaw himself.
Mr. Bradshaw sent an angry and upset complaint about carelessness to the Insurance Company. By the next mail, one of their clerks arrived in Eccleston; after taking his time to relax at the inn and carefully ordering his dinner, he headed over to the main warehouse of Bradshaw and Co. He delivered his card, with a quick note, "On behalf of the Star Insurance Company," to Mr. Bradshaw himself.
Mr Bradshaw held the card in his hand for a minute or two without raising his eyes. Then he spoke out loud and firm:
Mr. Bradshaw held the card in his hand for a minute or two without looking up. Then he spoke clearly and firmly:
"Desire the gentleman to walk up. Stay! I will ring my bell in a minute or two, and then show him upstairs."
"Please ask the gentleman to come up. Wait! I’ll ring my bell in a minute or two, and then I’ll show him upstairs."
When the errand-boy had closed the door, Mr Bradshaw went to a cupboard where he usually kept a glass and a bottle of wine (of which he very seldom partook, for he was an abstemious man). He intended now to take a glass, but the bottle was empty; and though there was plenty more to be had for ringing, or even simply going into another room, he would not allow himself to do this. He stood and lectured himself in thought.
When the errand boy closed the door, Mr. Bradshaw went to a cupboard where he usually kept a glass and a bottle of wine (which he rarely drank, since he was a temperate man). He meant to pour himself a glass, but the bottle was empty; and even though there was plenty more available if he just rang for it or went into another room, he wouldn’t let himself do that. He stood there and gave himself a mental lecture.
"After all, I am a fool for once in my life. If the certificates are in no box which I have yet examined, that does not imply they may not be in some one which I have not had time to search. Farquhar would stay so late last night! And even if they are in none of the boxes here, that does not prove—" He gave the bell a jerking ring, and it was yet sounding when Mr Smith, the insurance clerk, entered.
"After all, I'm a fool for once in my life. Just because I haven't found the certificates in any boxes I've checked doesn't mean they aren't in one I haven't had a chance to look at yet. Farquhar stayed so late last night! And even if they aren’t in any of the boxes here, that doesn’t prove—" He yanked the bell, and it was still ringing when Mr. Smith, the insurance clerk, walked in.
The manager of the Insurance Company had been considerably nettled at the tone of Mr Bradshaw's letter; and had instructed the clerk to assume some dignity at first in vindicating (as it was well in his power to do) the character of the proceedings of the Company, but at the same time he was not to go too far, for the firm of Bradshaw and Co. was daily looming larger in the commercial world, and if any reasonable explanation could be given it was to be received, and bygones be bygones.
The manager of the Insurance Company had been quite annoyed by the tone of Mr. Bradshaw's letter and had instructed the clerk to maintain some dignity while defending (which he could easily do) the company's actions. However, he was also told not to overdo it, as the firm of Bradshaw and Co. was increasingly gaining recognition in the business world. If there was a reasonable explanation, it should be accepted, and they should move on.
"Sit down, sir!" said Mr Bradshaw.
"Take a seat, sir!" said Mr. Bradshaw.
"You are aware, sir, I presume, that I come on the part of Mr Dennison, the manager of the Star Insurance Company, to reply in person to a letter of yours, of the 29th, addressed to him?"
"You know, sir, I assume, that I’m here on behalf of Mr. Dennison, the manager of the Star Insurance Company, to personally respond to your letter from the 29th, which was addressed to him?"
Mr Bradshaw bowed. "A very careless piece of business," he said, stiffly.
Mr. Bradshaw bowed. "That was a very careless mistake," he said stiffly.
"Mr Dennison does not think you will consider it as such when you have seen the deed of transfer, which I am commissioned to show you."
"Mr. Dennison doesn't think you'll see it that way once you've looked at the deed of transfer that I'm here to show you."
Mr Bradshaw took the deed with a steady hand. He wiped his spectacles quietly, without delay, and without hurry, and adjusted them on his nose. It is possible that he was rather long in looking over the document—at least, the clerk had just begun to wonder if he was reading through the whole of it, instead of merely looking at the signature, when Mr Bradshaw said: "It is possible that it may be—of
Mr. Bradshaw took the deed with a steady hand. He quietly wiped his glasses, without rushing, and adjusted them on his nose. He might have spent a bit too long looking over the document—at least, the clerk had just started to wonder if he was reading the whole thing instead of just checking the signature, when Mr. Bradshaw said: "It is possible that it may be—of
course, you will allow me to take this paper to Mr Benson, to—to inquire if this be his signature?"
"Of course, you’ll let me take this paper to Mr. Benson to see if this is his signature?"
"There can be no doubt of it, I think, sir," said the clerk, calmly smiling, for he knew Mr Benson's signature well.
"There’s no doubt about it, I think, sir," said the clerk, smiling calmly, because he knew Mr. Benson's signature well.
"I don't know, sir—I don't know." (He was speaking as if the pronunciation of every word required a separate effort of will, like a man who has received a slight paralytic stroke.)
"I don't know, sir—I don't know." (He spoke as if he had to put a lot of effort into pronouncing each word, like a man who had just had a mild stroke.)
"You have heard, sir, of such a thing as forgery—forgery, sir?" said he, repeating the last word very distinctly; for he feared that the first time he had said it, it was rather slurred over.
"You've heard of something called forgery, right, sir?" he said, clearly emphasizing the last word; he was concerned that when he first said it, it came out a bit unclear.
"Oh, sir! there is no room for imagining such a thing, I assure you. In our affairs we become aware of curious forgetfulness on the part of those who are not of business habits."
"Oh, sir! There's no way anyone could think that, I assure you. In our dealings, we notice a strange forgetfulness among those who aren’t used to business."
"Still I should like to show it Mr Benson, to prove to him his forgetfulness, you know. I believe, on my soul, it is some of his careless forgetfulness—I do, sir," said he. Now he spoke very quickly. "It must have been. Allow me to convince myself. You shall have it back to-night, or the first thing in the morning."
"Still, I'd like to show it to Mr. Benson to remind him of his forgetfulness, you know. I really believe it's some of his careless forgetfulness—I do, sir," he said. Now he spoke very quickly. "It must have been. Let me check for myself. You'll have it back tonight or first thing in the morning."
The clerk did not quite like to relinquish the deed, nor yet did he like to refuse Mr Bradshaw. If that very uncomfortable idea of forgery should have any foundation in truth—and he had given up the writing! There were a thousand chances to one against its being anything but a stupid blunder; the risk was more imminent of offending one of the directors.
The clerk wasn't really comfortable giving up the deed, and he also didn’t want to turn Mr. Bradshaw down. If that very unsettling thought of forgery had any truth to it—and he had stopped writing! There were a thousand chances that it was nothing more than a silly mistake; the greater risk was upsetting one of the directors.
As he hesitated, Mr Bradshaw spoke, very calmly, and almost with a smile on his face. He had regained his self-command. "You are afraid, I see. I assure you, you may trust me. If there has been any fraud—if I have the slightest suspicion of the truth of the surmise I threw out just now,"—he could not quite speak the bare naked word that was chilling his heart—"I will not fail to aid the ends of justice, even though the culprit should be my own son."
As he paused, Mr. Bradshaw spoke very calmly, almost with a smile on his face. He had regained his composure. "I can see you're scared. I assure you, you can trust me. If there's been any dishonesty—if I have even the slightest suspicion of the possibility I just mentioned,"—he struggled to say the harsh truth that was chilling him—"I will definitely support justice, even if the culprit turns out to be my own son."
He ended, as he began, with a smile—such a smile!—the stiff lips refused to relax and cover the teeth. But all the time he kept saying to himself:
He ended, just like he started, with a smile—what a smile!—his stiff lips wouldn’t soften enough to hide his teeth. But throughout it all, he kept telling himself:
"I don't believe it—I don't believe it. I'm convinced it's a blunder of that old fool Benson."
"I can't believe it—I can't believe it. I'm sure it's a mistake by that old idiot Benson."
But when he had dismissed the clerk, and secured the piece of paper, he went and locked the door, and laid his head on his desk, and moaned aloud.
But after he sent the clerk away and got the piece of paper, he locked the door, put his head on his desk, and groaned loudly.
He had lingered in the office for the two previous nights; at first, occupying himself in searching for the certificates of the Insurance shares; but, when all the boxes and other repositories for papers had been ransacked, the thought took hold of him that they might be in Richard's private desk; and, with the determination which overlooks the means to get at the end, he had first tried all his own keys on the complicated lock, and then broken it open with two decided blows of a poker, the instrument nearest at hand. He did not find the certificates. Richard had always considered himself careful in destroying any dangerous or tell-tale papers; but the stern father found enough, in what remained, to convince him that his pattern son—more even than his pattern son, his beloved pride—was far other than what he seemed.
He had stayed in the office for the last two nights; at first, he occupied himself by searching for the insurance share certificates. But after going through all the boxes and other places where papers were kept, he started to think that they might be in Richard's private desk. Driven by a determination that ignored the best approach to reach his goal, he first tried all his keys on the complicated lock, and then he broke it open with two strong hits from a poker, the closest tool he could find. He didn’t find the certificates. Richard had always prided himself on being careful about destroying any dangerous or incriminating documents, but the stern father found enough in what was left to convince him that his model son—more than just his model son, his treasured pride—was not who he appeared to be.
Mr Bradshaw did not skip or miss a word. He did not shrink while he read. He folded up letter by letter; he snuffed the candle just when its light began to wane, and no sooner; but he did not miss or omit one paper—he read every word. Then, leaving the letters in a heap upon the table, and the broken desk to tell its own tale, he locked the door of the room which was appropriated to his son as junior partner, and carried the key away with him.
Mr. Bradshaw didn't skip or overlook a single word. He stood tall while he read. He folded each letter carefully; he blew out the candle just as its light was starting to fade, and not a moment earlier; but he didn't miss or ignore a single document—he read every word. Then, after leaving the letters in a pile on the table, and the broken desk to speak for itself, he locked the door of the room that was designated for his son as a junior partner, and took the key with him.
There was a faint hope, even after this discovery of many circumstances of Richard's life which shocked and dismayed his father—there was still a faint hope that he might not be guilty of forgery—that it might be no forgery after all—only a blunder—an omission—a stupendous piece of forgetfulness. That hope was the one straw that Mr Bradshaw clung to.
There was a small glimmer of hope, even after discovering many shocking and troubling things about Richard's life—there was still a small hope that he might not be guilty of forgery—that it might not be forgery at all—just a mistake—an oversight—a monumental lapse in memory. That hope was the one thing Mr. Bradshaw held on to.
Late that night Mr Benson sat in his study. Every one else in the house had gone to bed; but he was expecting a summons to someone who was dangerously ill. He was not startled, therefore, at the knock which came to the front door about twelve; but he was rather surprised at the character of the knock, so slow and loud, with a pause between each rap. His study-door was but a step from that which led into the street. He opened it, and there stood—Mr Bradshaw; his large, portly figure not to be mistaken even in the dusky night.
Late that night, Mr. Benson sat in his study. Everyone else in the house had gone to bed, but he was expecting a call about someone who was seriously ill. So, he wasn't shocked by the knock at the front door around midnight; however, he was somewhat surprised by the type of knock—slow and loud, with a pause between each rap. His study door was just a step away from the one that led to the street. He opened it, and there stood Mr. Bradshaw, his large, heavy figure unmistakable even in the dim light of the night.
He said, "That is right. It was you I wanted to see." And he walked straight into the study. Mr Benson followed, and shut the door. Mr Bradshaw was standing by the table, fumbling in his pocket. He pulled out the deed; and opening it, after a pause, in which you might have counted five, he held it out to Mr Benson.
He said, "That's right. You’re the one I wanted to see." Then he walked right into the study. Mr. Benson followed and closed the door. Mr. Bradshaw was standing by the table, digging in his pocket. He took out the deed and, after a pause during which you could count to five, he held it out to Mr. Benson.
"Read it!" said he. He spoke not another word until time had been allowed for its perusal. Then he added:
"Read it!" he said. He didn’t say anything else until enough time had passed for it to be read. Then he added:
"That is your signature?" The words were an assertion, but the tone was that of question.
"Is that your signature?" The words were a statement, but the tone was questioning.
"No, it is not," said Mr Benson, decidedly. "It is very like my writing. I could almost say it was mine, but I know it is not."
"No, it isn’t," Mr. Benson said firmly. "It’s very similar to my writing. I could almost say it’s mine, but I know it’s not."
"Recollect yourself a little. The date is August the third of last year, fourteen months ago. You may have forgotten it." The tone of the voice had a kind of eager entreaty in it, which Mr Benson did not notice,—he was so startled at the fetch of his own writing.
"Gather your thoughts for a moment. The date is August 3rd of last year, fourteen months ago. You might have forgotten it." The tone of the voice had a kind of eager pleading in it, which Mr. Benson didn’t catch—he was too surprised by the twist of his own writing.
"It is most singularly like mine; but I could not have signed away these shares—all the property I have—without the slightest remembrance of it."
"It looks exactly like mine; but I could never have signed away these shares—all my property—without the slightest memory of it."
"Stranger things have happened. For the love of Heaven, think if you did not sign it. It's a deed of transfer for those Insurance shares, you see. You don't remember it? You did not write this name—these words?" He looked at Mr Benson with craving wistfulness for one particular answer. Mr Benson was struck at last by the whole proceeding, and glanced anxiously at Mr Bradshaw, whose manner, gait, and voice were so different from usual that he might well excite attention. But as soon as the latter was aware of this momentary inspection, he changed his tone all at once.
"Stranger things have happened. For heaven's sake, think about whether you signed it. It's a transfer document for those insurance shares, you know. You don't remember it? You didn't write this name—these words?" He looked at Mr. Benson with a desperate hope for a specific answer. Mr. Benson finally realized the seriousness of the situation and looked nervously at Mr. Bradshaw, whose behavior, posture, and voice were so unusual that it was bound to draw attention. But as soon as Mr. Bradshaw noticed this brief scrutiny, he suddenly changed his tone.
"Don't imagine, sir, I wish to force any invention upon you as a remembrance. If you did not write this name, I know who did. Once more I ask you,—does no glimmering recollection of—having needed money, we'll say—I never wanted you to refuse my subscription to the chapel, God knows!—of having sold these accursed shares?—Oh! I see by your face you did not write it; you need not speak to me—I know."
"Don't think, sir, that I'm trying to push any idea on you as a reminder. If you didn’t write this name, I know who did. I ask you again—does any faint memory come to mind about needing money, let's say? I never wanted you to turn down my donation to the chapel, I swear!—about having sold those cursed shares?—Oh! I can tell by your expression that you didn’t write it; you don’t need to say anything—I already know."
He sank down into a chair near him. His whole figure drooped. In a moment he was up, and standing straight as an arrow, confronting Mr Benson, who could find no clue to this stern man's agitation.
He sat down in a chair nearby. His whole body slumped. In a moment, he was up, standing straight as an arrow, facing Mr. Benson, who couldn’t figure out what was causing this stern man’s agitation.
"You say you did not write these words?" pointing to the signature, with an untrembling finger. "I believe you; Richard Bradshaw did write them."
"You say you didn't write these words?" she said, pointing at the signature with a steady finger. "I believe you; Richard Bradshaw wrote them."
"My dear sir—my dear old friend!" exclaimed Mr Benson, "you are rushing to a conclusion for which, I am convinced, there is no foundation; there is no reason to suppose that because—"
"My dear sir—my dear old friend!" exclaimed Mr. Benson, "you're jumping to a conclusion that I'm sure has no basis; there's no reason to think that because—"
"There is reason, sir. Do not distress yourself—I am perfectly calm." His stony eyes and immovable face did indeed look rigid. "What we have now to do is to punish the offence. I have not one standard for myself and those I love—(and, Mr Benson, I did love him)—and another for the rest of the world. If a stranger had forged my name, I should have known it was my duty to prosecute him. You must prosecute Richard."
"There is a reason, sir. Don’t worry—I’m completely calm." His expressionless eyes and unchanging face really did seem stiff. "What we need to do now is to deal with the crime. I don’t have one standard for myself and those I care about—and, Mr. Benson, I did care about him—and another for everyone else. If a stranger had forged my name, I would’ve known it was my responsibility to take action. You need to take action against Richard."
"I will not," said Mr Benson.
"I won't," Mr. Benson said.
"You think, perhaps, that I shall feel it acutely. You are mistaken. He is no longer as my son to me. I have always resolved to disown any child of mine who was guilty of sin. I disown Richard. He is as a stranger to me. I shall feel no more at his exposure—his punishment—" He could not go on, for his voice was choking. "Of course, you understand that I must feel shame at our connexion; it is that that is troubling me; that is but consistent with a man who has always prided himself on the integrity of his name; but as for that boy, who has been brought up all his life as I have brought up my children, it must be some innate wickedness! Sir, I can cut him off, though he has been as my right hand—beloved. Let me be no hindrance to the course of justice, I beg. He has forged your name—he has defrauded you of money—of your all, I think you said."
"You might think that I’ll feel this deeply. You're wrong. He doesn’t feel like my son anymore. I’ve always said I would disown any child of mine who sinned. I disown Richard. He feels like a stranger to me now. I won’t feel any worse about his exposure—his punishment—" He couldn't continue because his voice was choking. "Of course, you realize that I must feel shame about our connection; that’s what’s bothering me; it’s consistent with a man who has always taken pride in his good name; but as for that boy, who has been raised just like my other children, it must be some kind of inherent evil! Sir, I can sever ties with him, even though he has been like my right hand—dear to me. Please, let me not interfere with the course of justice. He has forged your name—he has stolen from you—everything you have, I believe you mentioned."
"Someone has forged my name. I am not convinced that it was your son. Until I know all the circumstances, I decline to prosecute."
"Someone has signed my name without my permission. I'm not convinced it was your son. Until I have all the details, I won’t press charges."
"What circumstances?" asked Mr Bradshaw, in an authoritative manner, which would have shown irritation but for his self-command.
"What circumstances?" asked Mr. Bradshaw, in a commanding tone, which would have conveyed irritation if not for his self-control.
"The force of the temptation—the previous habits of the person—"
"The pull of the temptation—the past habits of the person—"
"Of Richard. He is the person," Mr Bradshaw put in.
"About Richard. He's the guy," Mr. Bradshaw added.
Mr Benson went on, without taking any notice. "I should think it right to prosecute, if I found out that this offence against me was only one of a series committed, with premeditation, against society. I should then feel, as a protector of others more helpless than myself—"
Mr. Benson continued, ignoring everything else. "I believe it's right to press charges if I discover that this offense against me is just one in a series that was committed deliberately against society. I would then see myself as a protector of those who are more vulnerable than I'm—
"It was your all," said Mr Bradshaw.
"It was everything to you," said Mr. Bradshaw.
"It was all my money; it was not my all," replied Mr Benson; and then he went on as if the interruption had never been: "Against an habitual offender. I shall not prosecute Richard. Not because he is your son—do not imagine that! I should decline taking such a step against any young man without first ascertaining the particulars about him, which I know already about Richard, and which determine me against doing what would blast his character for life—would destroy every good quality he has."
"It was all my money; it wasn't everything to me," replied Mr. Benson. Then he continued as if the interruption hadn't happened: "Against a repeat offender. I won’t prosecute Richard. Not because he's your son—don't think that! I would refuse to take such a step against any young man without first finding out the details about him, which I already know about Richard, and which persuade me not to do something that would ruin his reputation for life—would destroy every good quality he has."
"What good quality remains to him?" asked Mr Bradshaw. "He has deceived me—he has offended God."
"What good quality does he still have?" asked Mr. Bradshaw. "He has tricked me—he has angered God."
"Have we not all offended Him?" Mr Benson said, in a low tone.
"Have we all not offended Him?" Mr. Benson said quietly.
"Not consciously. I never do wrong consciously. But Richard—Richard." The remembrance of the undeceiving letters—the forgery—filled up his heart so completely that he could not speak for a minute or two. Yet when he saw Mr Benson on the point of saying something, he broke in:
"Not on purpose. I never do anything wrong on purpose. But Richard—Richard." The memory of the revealing letters—the forgery—filled his heart so much that he couldn’t speak for a minute or two. But when he saw Mr. Benson about to say something, he interrupted:
"It is no use talking, sir. You and I cannot agree on these subjects. Once more, I desire you to prosecute that boy, who is no longer a child of mine."
"It’s pointless to talk, sir. You and I won’t see eye to eye on these matters. Once again, I ask you to go after that boy, who is no longer my child."
"Mr Bradshaw, I shall not prosecute him. I have said it once for all. To-morrow you will be glad that I do not listen to you. I should only do harm by saying more at present."
"Mr. Bradshaw, I'm not going to press charges against him. I've made that clear. Tomorrow, you’ll be thankful that I’m not following your advice. It would only cause trouble if I said anything more right now."
There is always something aggravating in being told, that the mood in which we are now viewing things strongly will not be our mood at some other time. It implies that our present feelings are blinding us, and that some more clear-sighted spectator is able to distinguish our future better than we do ourselves. The most shallow person dislikes to be told that any one can gauge his depth. Mr Bradshaw was not soothed by this last remark of Mr Benson's. He stooped down to take up his hat and be gone. Mr Benson saw his dizzy way of groping, and gave him what he sought for; but he received no word of thanks. Mr Bradshaw went silently towards the door, but, just as he got there, he turned round, and said:
There’s always something irritating about being told that the way we feel right now won’t be the same later. It suggests that our current emotions are clouding our judgment and that some distant observer has a clearer view of our future than we do. The shallowest individuals hate being reminded that anyone can see through their façade. Mr. Bradshaw wasn’t comforted by Mr. Benson’s last comment. He bent down to pick up his hat and leave. Mr. Benson noticed how he was fumbling around and handed him what he was looking for, but didn’t get a thank you in return. Mr. Bradshaw walked silently toward the door, but just as he reached it, he turned around and said:
"If there were more people like me, and fewer like you, there would be less evil in the world, sir. It's your sentimentalists that nurse up sin."
"If there were more people like me and fewer like you, there would be less evil in the world, sir. It's your sentimentalists who encourage sin."
Although Mr Benson had been very calm during this interview, he had been much shocked by what had been let out respecting Richard's forgery; not by the fact itself so much as by what it was a sign of. Still, he had known the young man from childhood, and had seen, and often regretted, that his want of moral courage had rendered him peculiarly liable to all the bad effects arising from his father's severe and arbitrary mode of treatment. Dick would never have had "pluck" enough to be a hardened villain, under any circumstances; but, unless some good influence, some strength, was brought to bear upon him, he might easily sink into the sneaking scoundrel. Mr Benson determined to go to Mr Farquhar's the first thing in the morning, and consult him as a calm, clear-headed family friend—partner in the business, as well as son and brother-in-law to the people concerned.
Although Mr. Benson had remained very calm during this interview, he was quite shocked by what had come to light about Richard's forgery; not so much by the act itself but by what it indicated. Still, he had known the young man since childhood and had seen, and often regretted, how his lack of moral courage made him particularly vulnerable to all the negative effects of his father's harsh and authoritarian treatment. Dick would never have had the "guts" to be a hardened villain, no matter the circumstances; but unless some positive influence or strength was brought to bear on him, he could easily become a sneaky scoundrel. Mr. Benson decided to go to Mr. Farquhar's first thing in the morning and consult him as a calm, level-headed family friend—partner in the business, as well as son and brother-in-law to the people involved.
CHAPTER XXXI
An Accident to the Dover Coach
While Mr Benson lay awake for fear of oversleeping himself, and so being late at Mr Farquhar's (it was somewhere about six o'clock—dark as an October morning is at that time), Sally came to his door and knocked. She was always an early riser; and if she had not been gone to bed long before Mr Bradshaw's visit last night, Mr Benson might safely have trusted to her calling him.
While Mr. Benson lay awake, worried about oversleeping and being late to Mr. Farquhar's, it was around six o'clock—dark like an October morning at that hour—Sally knocked on his door. She was always an early riser, and if she hadn't gone to bed long before Mr. Bradshaw's visit the night before, Mr. Benson could have relied on her to wake him up.
"Here's a woman down below as must see you directly. She'll be upstairs after me if you're not down quick."
"Here's a woman down below who needs to see you right away. She'll be upstairs after me if you don't come down quickly."
"Is it any one from Clarke's?"
"Is anyone from Clarke's here?"
"No, no! not it, master," said she, through the keyhole; "I reckon it's Mrs Bradshaw, for all she's muffled up."
"No, no! Not that, master," she said through the keyhole. "I think it's Mrs. Bradshaw, even though she's all wrapped up."
He needed no other word. When he went down, Mrs Bradshaw sat in his easy-chair, swaying her body to and fro, and crying without restraint. Mr Benson came up to her, before she was aware that he was there.
He didn’t need any other words. When he came downstairs, Mrs. Bradshaw was sitting in his easy chair, rocking back and forth and crying openly. Mr. Benson approached her before she even realized he was there.
"Oh! sir," said she, getting up and taking hold of both his hands, "you won't be so cruel, will you? I have got some money somewhere—some money my father settled on me, sir; I don't know how much, but I think it's more than two thousand pounds, and you shall have it all. If I can't give it you now, I'll make a will, sir. Only be merciful to poor Dick—don't go and prosecute him, sir."
"Oh! Sir," she said, standing up and taking both of his hands, "you won't be that cruel, will you? I have some money somewhere—some money my father left for me, sir; I don't know how much, but I think it's over two thousand pounds, and you can have it all. If I can't give it to you now, I'll write a will, sir. Just please be merciful to poor Dick—don't go after him, sir."
"My dear Mrs Bradshaw, don't agitate yourself in this way. I never meant to prosecute him."
"My dear Mrs. Bradshaw, please don’t get so upset. I never intended to take legal action against him."
"But Mr Bradshaw says that you must."
"But Mr. Bradshaw says that you have to."
"I shall not, indeed. I have told Mr Bradshaw so."
"I won’t, for sure. I’ve told Mr. Bradshaw that."
"Has he been here? Oh! is not he cruel? I don't care. I've been a good wife till now. I know I have. I have done all he bid me, ever since we were married. But now I will speak my mind, and say to everybody how cruel he is—how hard to his own flesh and blood! If he puts poor Dick in prison, I will go too. If I'm to choose between my husband and my son, I choose my son; for he will have no friends, unless I am with him."
"Has he been here? Oh! isn't he cruel? I don't care. I've been a good wife until now. I know I have. I've done everything he asked me to do ever since we got married. But now I'm going to speak my mind and tell everyone how cruel he is—how harsh he is to his own flesh and blood! If he puts poor Dick in prison, I'm going too. If I have to choose between my husband and my son, I choose my son; because he won't have any friends unless I'm with him."
"Mr Bradshaw will think better of it. You will see that, when his first anger and disappointment are over, he will not be hard or cruel."
"Mr. Bradshaw will reconsider. You'll see that after his initial anger and disappointment pass, he won’t be harsh or mean."
"You don't know Mr Bradshaw," said she, mournfully, "if you think he'll change. I might beg and beg—I have done many a time, when we had little children, and I wanted to save them a whipping—but no begging ever did any good. At last I left it off. He'll not change."
"You don’t know Mr. Bradshaw," she said sadly, "if you think he’ll change. I could beg and plead—I’ve done it many times, especially when we had little kids and I wanted to save them from a beating—but begging never helped. Eventually, I stopped. He won’t change."
"Perhaps not for human entreaty. Mrs Bradshaw, is there nothing more powerful?"
"Maybe not for a human plea. Mrs. Bradshaw, is there anything more powerful?"
The tone of his voice suggested what he did not say.
The tone of his voice hinted at what he didn't say.
"If you mean that God may soften his heart," replied she, humbly, "I'm not going to deny God's power—I have need to think of Him," she continued, bursting into fresh tears, "for I am a very miserable woman. Only think! he cast it up against me last night, and said, if I had not spoilt Dick this never would have happened."
"If you mean that God might change his heart," she replied, humbly, "I’m not going to deny God’s power—I need to keep Him in mind," she continued, bursting into fresh tears, "because I am really a miserable woman. Just think! He threw it in my face last night and said that if I hadn’t ruined Dick, this would never have happened."
"He hardly knew what he was saying last night. I will go to Mr Farquhar's directly, and see him; and you had better go home, my dear Mrs Bradshaw; you may rely upon our doing all that we can."
"He barely knew what he was saying last night. I’m going to go see Mr. Farquhar right away; you should head home, my dear Mrs. Bradshaw. You can count on us to do everything we can."
With some difficulty he persuaded her not to accompany him to Mr Farquhar's; but he had, indeed, to take her to her own door before he could convince her that, at present, she could do nothing but wait the result of the consultation of others.
With some effort, he convinced her not to go with him to Mr. Farquhar's; but he really had to take her to her own door before he could make her understand that, for now, there was nothing she could do but wait for the results of others' discussions.
It was before breakfast, and Mr Farquhar was alone; so Mr Benson had a quiet opportunity of telling the whole story to the husband before the wife came down. Mr Farquhar was not much surprised, though greatly distressed. The general opinion he had always entertained of Richard's character had predisposed him to fear, even before the inquiry respecting the Insurance shares. But it was still a shock when it came, however much it might have been anticipated.
It was before breakfast, and Mr. Farquhar was alone, giving Mr. Benson a chance to share the entire story with the husband before the wife came down. Mr. Farquhar wasn’t very surprised, although he was deeply troubled. His general view of Richard's character had already made him anxious, even before the questions about the insurance shares. Still, it was a shock when the news arrived, no matter how much it had been expected.
"What can we do?" said Mr Benson, as Mr Farquhar sat gloomily silent.
"What can we do?" said Mr. Benson, while Mr. Farquhar sat there silently, looking gloomy.
"That is just what I was asking myself. I think I must see Mr Bradshaw, and try and bring him a little out of this unmerciful frame of mind. That must be the first thing. Will you object to accompany me at once? It seems of particular consequence that we should subdue his obduracy before the affair gets wind."
"That's exactly what I was thinking. I need to see Mr. Bradshaw and try to bring him out of this harsh mindset. That's the first priority. Would you mind coming with me right away? It's really important that we change his stubbornness before this situation gets out."
"I will go with you willingly. But I believe I rather serve to irritate Mr Bradshaw; he is reminded of things he has said to me formerly, and which he thinks he is bound to act up to. However, I can walk with you to the door, and wait for you (if you'll allow me) in the street. I want to know how he is to-day, both bodily and mentally; for indeed, Mr Farquhar, I should not have been surprised last night if he had dropped down dead, so terrible was his strain upon himself."
"I’ll go with you gladly. But I think I might annoy Mr. Bradshaw; he remembers things he’s said to me before, and feels like he has to follow through on them. Still, I can walk with you to the door and wait for you (if that’s okay with you) on the street. I want to see how he is today, both physically and mentally; honestly, Mr. Farquhar, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had collapsed dead last night, his stress was so overwhelming."
Mr Benson was left at the door as he had desired, while Mr Farquhar went in.
Mr. Benson was left at the door as he wanted, while Mr. Farquhar went inside.
"Oh, Mr Farquhar, what is the matter?" exclaimed the girls, running to him. "Mamma sits crying in the old nursery. We believe she has been there all night. She will not tell us what it is, nor let us be with her; and papa is locked up in his room, and won't even answer us when we speak, though we know he is up and awake, for we heard him tramping about all night."
"Oh, Mr. Farquhar, what’s wrong?" exclaimed the girls, rushing to him. "Mom is sitting in the old nursery crying. We think she’s been there all night. She won’t tell us what’s going on or let us come in with her; and Dad is locked in his room and won’t even respond when we talk to him, even though we know he’s up and awake because we heard him pacing around all night."
"Let me go up to him," said Mr Farquhar.
"Let me go talk to him," said Mr. Farquhar.
"He won't let you in. It will be of no use." But in spite of what they said, he went up; and to their surprise, after hearing who it was, their father opened the door, and admitted their brother-in-law. He remained with Mr Bradshaw about half an hour, and then came into the dining-room, where the two girls stood huddled over the fire, regardless of the untasted breakfast behind them; and, writing a few lines, he desired them to take his note up to their mother, saying it would comfort her a little, and that he should send Jemima, in two or three hours, with the baby—perhaps to remain some days with them. He had no time to tell them more; Jemima would.
"He won't let you in. It won’t do any good." But despite what they said, he went up; and to their surprise, after hearing who it was, their dad opened the door and let their brother-in-law in. He stayed with Mr. Bradshaw for about half an hour and then came into the dining room, where the two girls were huddled by the fire, ignoring the untouched breakfast behind them. After writing a few lines, he asked them to take his note to their mom, saying it would comfort her a bit and that he would send Jemima in two or three hours with the baby—maybe to stay with them for a few days. He didn’t have time to tell them more; Jemima would.
He left them, and rejoined Mr Benson. "Come home and breakfast with me. I am off to London in an hour or two, and must speak with you first."
He left them and went back to Mr. Benson. "Come home and have breakfast with me. I'm heading to London in an hour or two, and I need to talk to you first."
On reaching his house, he ran upstairs to ask Jemima to breakfast alone in her dressing-room, and returned in five minutes or less.
On getting home, he quickly went upstairs to invite Jemima to have breakfast alone in her dressing room, and came back in five minutes or less.
"Now I can tell you about it," said he. "I see my way clearly to a certain point. We must prevent Dick and his father meeting just now, or all hope of Dick's reformation is gone for ever. His father is as hard as the nether mill-stone. He has forbidden me his house."
"Now I can tell you about it," he said. "I can see my path clearly up to a certain point. We need to keep Dick and his dad from meeting right now, or all chances of Dick changing for the better will be lost for good. His dad is as tough as they come. He’s banned me from his house."
"Forbidden you!"
"You're forbidden!"
"Yes; because I would not give up Dick as utterly lost and bad; and because I said I should return to London with the clerk, and fairly tell Dennison (he's a Scotchman, and a man of sense and feeling) the real state of the case. By the way, we must not say a word to the clerk; otherwise he will expect an answer, and make out all sorts of inferences for himself, from the unsatisfactory reply he must have. Dennison will be upon honour—will see every side of the case—will know you refuse to prosecute; the Company of which he is manager are no losers. Well! when I said what I thought wise, of all this—when I spoke as if my course were a settled and decided thing, the grim old man asked me if he was to be an automaton in his own house. He assured me he had no feeling for Dick—all the time he was shaking like an aspen; in short, repeated much the same things he must have said to you last night. However, I defied him; and the consequence is, I'm forbidden the house, and, what is more, he says he will not come to the office while I remain a partner."
"Yes; because I wouldn’t completely give up on Dick as lost and hopeless; and because I said I would go back to London with the clerk and honestly explain the situation to Dennison (he's a Scotchman and a sensible, compassionate guy). By the way, we must not mention anything to the clerk; otherwise he’ll expect an answer and come to all sorts of conclusions based on the unsatisfactory reply he’s bound to get. Dennison will act honorably—he’ll see every side of the case—he’ll understand that you’re refusing to prosecute; the company he manages won’t lose anything. Well! When I voiced what I thought was wise about all this—when I spoke as if my decision was final—the grim old man asked me if he was supposed to be a robot in his own house. He insisted he had no feelings for Dick—all while he was shaking like a leaf; in short, he repeated much of what he must have said to you last night. However, I stood my ground; and as a result, I'm banned from the house, and what's worse, he says he won’t come to the office as long as I’m still a partner."
"What shall you do?"
"What will you do?"
"Send Jemima and the baby. There's nothing like a young child for bringing people round to a healthy state of feeling; and you don't know what Jemima is, Mr Benson! No! though you've known her from her birth. If she can't comfort her mother, and if the baby can't steal into her grandfather's heart, why—I don't know what you may do to me. I shall tell Jemima all, and trust to her wit and wisdom to work at this end, while I do my best at the other."
"Send Jemima and the baby. There's nothing like a young child to lift people's spirits; and you have no idea what Jemima is like, Mr. Benson! No! Even though you've known her since she was born. If she can't comfort her mother, and if the baby can't win over her grandfather's heart, then—I don't know what you'll do to me. I will tell Jemima everything and rely on her intelligence and good sense to help from this side while I do my best from the other."
"Richard is abroad, is not he?"
"Richard is overseas, isn't he?"
"He will be in England to-morrow. I must catch him somewhere; but that I can easily do. The difficult point will be, what to do with him—what to say to him, when I find him. He must give up his partnership, that's clear. I did not tell his father so, but I am resolved upon it. There shall be no tampering with the honour of the firm to which I belong."
"He will be in England tomorrow. I need to catch him somewhere, but that should be easy. The tricky part will be deciding what to do with him—what to say when I find him. He has to give up his partnership, that’s obvious. I didn’t tell his father that, but I’m determined. There will be no messing with the integrity of the firm I’m part of."
"But what will become of him?" asked Mr Benson, anxiously.
"But what will happen to him?" asked Mr. Benson, anxiously.
"I do not yet know. But, for Jemima's sake—for his dear old father's sake—I will not leave him adrift. I will find him some occupation as clear from temptation as I can. I will do all in my power. And he will do much better, if he has any good in him, as a freer agent, not cowed by his father into a want of individuality and self-respect. I believe I must dismiss you, Mr Benson," said he, looking at his watch; "I have to explain all to my wife, and to go to that clerk. You shall hear from me in a day or two."
"I don't know yet. But for Jemima's sake—and for his dear old father's sake—I won't leave him to flounder. I'll find him a job that keeps him away from temptation as much as possible. I’ll do everything I can. And he’ll do much better, if he has any good in him, as a free agent, not intimidated by his father into losing his individuality and self-respect. I think I need to let you go now, Mr. Benson," he said, checking his watch. "I have to explain everything to my wife and talk to that clerk. You'll hear from me in a day or two."
Mr Benson half envied the younger man's elasticity of mind, and power of acting promptly. He himself felt as if he wanted to sit down in his quiet study, and think over the revelations and events of the last twenty-four hours. It made him dizzy even to follow Mr Farquhar's plans, as he had briefly detailed them; and some solitude and consideration would be required before Mr Benson could decide upon their justice and wisdom. He had been much shocked by the discovery of the overt act of guilt which Richard had perpetrated, low as his opinion of that young man had been for some time; and the consequence was, that he felt depressed, and unable to rally for the next few days. He had not even the comfort of his sister's sympathy, as he felt bound in honour not to tell her anything; and she was luckily so much absorbed in some household contest with Sally that she did not notice her brother's quiet languor.
Mr. Benson half-envied the younger man's quick thinking and ability to act decisively. He felt like he just wanted to sit down in his peaceful study and reflect on the revelations and events of the past twenty-four hours. It made him dizzy just trying to follow Mr. Farquhar's plans, as he had briefly explained them; he needed some solitude and time to think before he could decide if they were fair and wise. He was quite shocked by the outright act of wrongdoing that Richard had committed, especially considering how low his opinion of that young man had been for a while now. As a result, he felt down and unable to recover for the next few days. He didn’t even have the comfort of his sister's support, as he felt honor-bound not to tell her anything, and fortunately, she was so wrapped up in some household drama with Sally that she didn’t notice her brother's quiet exhaustion.
Mr Benson felt that he had no right at this time to intrude into the house which he had been once tacitly forbidden. If he went now to Mr Bradshaw's without being asked, or sent for, he thought it would seem like presuming on his knowledge of the hidden disgrace of one of the family. Yet he longed to go: he knew that Mr Farquhar must be writing almost daily to Jemima, and he wanted to hear what he was doing. The fourth day after her husband's departure she came, within half an hour of the post-delivery, and asked to speak to Mr Benson alone.
Mr. Benson felt he had no right to intrude into the house that he had once been quietly warned away from. If he went to Mr. Bradshaw's without being invited or called for, he thought it would seem as though he was taking advantage of his knowledge of a hidden disgrace within the family. Yet he really wanted to go: he knew that Mr. Farquhar must be writing almost daily to Jemima, and he was eager to find out what he was doing. On the fourth day after her husband's departure, she came by, just half an hour after the mail had been delivered, and asked to speak to Mr. Benson alone.
She was in a state of great agitation, and had evidently been crying very much.
She was extremely upset and had clearly been crying a lot.
"Oh, Mr Benson!" said she, "will you come with me, and tell papa this sad news about Dick? Walter has written me a letter at last to say he has found him—he could not at first; but now it seems that, the day before yesterday, he heard of an accident which had happened to the Dover coach; it was overturned—two passengers killed, and several badly hurt. Walter says we ought to be thankful, as he is, that Dick was not killed. He says it was such a relief to him on going to the place—the little inn nearest to where the coach was overturned—to find that Dick was only severely injured; not one of those who was killed. But it is a terrible shock to us all. We had had no more dreadful fear to lessen the shock; mamma is quite unfit for anything, and we none of us dare to tell papa." Jemima had hard work to keep down her sobs thus far, and now they overmastered her.
"Oh, Mr. Benson!" she said, "will you come with me and tell Dad this sad news about Dick? Walter finally wrote me a letter to say he found him—he couldn't at first, but it seems that the day before yesterday he heard about an accident involving the Dover coach; it overturned—two passengers were killed, and several were badly injured. Walter says we should be thankful, as he is, that Dick wasn't killed. He said it was such a relief for him when he went to the nearest little inn to where the coach overturned and found out that Dick was only severely injured, not one of those who died. But it's a terrible shock for all of us. We had no more dreadful fears to soften the blow; Mom is completely unable to cope, and none of us dare to tell Dad." Jemima struggled to hold back her sobs until now, when they finally overwhelmed her.
"How is your father? I have wanted to hear every day," asked Mr Benson, tenderly.
"How is your dad? I've been wanting to know every day," asked Mr. Benson, kindly.
"It was careless of me not to come and tell you; but, indeed, I have had so much to do. Mamma would not go near him. He has said something which she seems as if she could not forgive. Because he came to meals, she would not. She has almost lived in the nursery; taking out all Dick's old playthings, and what clothes of his were left, and turning them over, and crying over them."
"It was thoughtless of me not to come and tell you, but honestly, I've had so much on my plate. Mom wouldn't go near him. He said something that she seems unable to forgive. Because he came to dinner, she refused to join. She's practically lived in the nursery, pulling out all of Dick's old toys and any clothes of his that were left, going through them and crying over them."
"Then Mr Bradshaw has joined you again; I was afraid, from what Mr Farquhar said, he was going to isolate himself from you all?"
"Then Mr. Bradshaw joined you again; I was worried, based on what Mr. Farquhar said, that he was going to cut himself off from all of you?"
"I wish he had," said Jemima, crying afresh. "It would have been more natural than the way he has gone on; the only difference from his usual habits is, that he has never gone near the office, or else he has come to meals just as usual, and talked just as usual; and even done what I never knew him do before, tried to make jokes—all in order to show us how little he cares."
"I wish he had," said Jemima, crying again. "It would have felt more natural than the way he's acted; the only difference from his usual self is that he hasn't gone near the office, or he’s come to meals just like always and talked just like always; he's even done something I've never seen him do before—tried to make jokes—all just to show us how little he cares."
"Does he not go out at all?"
"Does he not go out ever?"
"Only in the garden. I am sure he does care after all; he must care; he cannot shake off a child in this way, though he thinks he can; and that makes me so afraid of telling him of this accident. Will you come, Mr Benson?"
"Only in the garden. I’m sure he does care after all; he must care; he can’t just brush off a child like this, even if he thinks he can; and that makes me really nervous about telling him about this accident. Will you come, Mr. Benson?"
He needed no other word. He went with her, as she rapidly threaded her way through the by-streets. When they reached the house, she went in without knocking, and putting her husband's letter into Mr Benson's hand, she opened the door of her father's room, and saying—"Papa, here is Mr Benson," left them alone.
He didn't need another word. He followed her as she quickly navigated the side streets. When they arrived at the house, she walked in without knocking and handed Mr. Benson her husband's letter. Then she opened the door to her father's room and said, "Dad, here’s Mr. Benson," before leaving them alone.
Mr Benson felt nervously incapable of knowing what to do, or to say. He had surprised Mr Bradshaw sitting idly over the fire—gazing dreamily into the embers. But he had started up, and drawn his chair to the table, on seeing his visitor; and, after the first necessary words of politeness were over, he seemed to expect him to open the conversation.
Mr. Benson felt anxiously unsure about what to do or say. He had caught Mr. Bradshaw sitting quietly by the fire, staring thoughtfully into the coals. However, he quickly got up and moved his chair to the table when he saw his visitor; and after they exchanged the usual polite greetings, he appeared to expect Mr. Benson to start the conversation.
"Mrs Farquhar has asked me," said Mr Benson, plunging into the subject with a trembling heart, "to tell you about a letter she has received from her husband;" he stopped for an instant, for he felt that he did not get nearer the real difficulty, and yet could not tell the best way of approaching it.
"Mrs. Farquhar asked me," Mr. Benson said, diving into the topic with a nervous heart, "to inform you about a letter she got from her husband;" he paused for a moment, realizing he wasn’t getting closer to the real issue, yet he couldn't figure out the best way to address it.
"She need not have given you that trouble. I am aware of the reason of Mr Farquhar's absence. I entirely disapprove of his conduct. He is regardless of my wishes; and disobedient to the commands which, as my son-in-law, I thought he would have felt bound to respect. If there is any more agreeable subject that you can introduce, I shall be glad to hear you, sir."
"She didn’t have to bother you with that. I know why Mr. Farquhar isn’t here. I completely disapprove of how he’s acted. He ignores my wishes and is disrespectful to the commands that, as my son-in-law, I thought he would feel obligated to follow. If there's a more pleasant topic you can bring up, I'd be happy to listen, sir."
"Neither you, nor I, must think of what we like to hear or to say. You must hear what concerns your son."
"Neither you nor I should focus on what we want to hear or say. You need to pay attention to what concerns your son."
"I have disowned the young man who was my son," replied he, coldly.
"I've disowned the young man who was my son," he replied coldly.
"The Dover coach has been overturned," said Mr Benson, stimulated into abruptness by the icy sternness of the father. But, in a flash, he saw what lay below that terrible assumption of indifference. Mr Bradshaw glanced up in his face one look of agony—and then went grey-pale; so livid that Mr Benson got up to ring the bell in affright, but Mr Bradshaw motioned to him to sit still.
"The Dover coach has been overturned," Mr. Benson said, his abruptness triggered by the icy sternness of the father. But in an instant, he recognized what lay beneath that dreadful facade of indifference. Mr. Bradshaw glanced up at him with a look of agony—and then went pale; so colorless that Mr. Benson stood up to ring the bell in alarm, but Mr. Bradshaw gestured for him to stay seated.
"Oh! I have been too sudden, sir—he is alive, he is alive!" he exclaimed, as he saw the ashy face working in a vain attempt to speak; but the poor lips (so wooden, not a minute ago) went working on and on, as if Mr Benson's words did not sink down into the mind, or reach the understanding. Mr Benson went hastily for Mrs Farquhar.
"Oh! I’ve been too abrupt, sir—he’s alive, he’s alive!" he shouted, as he noticed the pale face trying unsuccessfully to speak; but the poor lips (which seemed so stiff just a moment ago) kept moving, as if Mr. Benson’s words didn’t register or make any sense. Mr. Benson quickly went to find Mrs. Farquhar.
"Oh, Jemima!" said he, "I have done it so badly—I have been so cruel—he is very ill, I fear—bring water, brandy—" and he returned with all speed into the room. Mr Bradshaw—the great, strong, iron man—lay back in his chair in a swoon, a fit.
"Oh, Jemima!" he exclaimed, "I messed up so badly—I’ve been so cruel—he's really sick, I’m afraid—get water, brandy—" and he rushed back into the room. Mr. Bradshaw—the tough, strong, iron man—was slumped back in his chair, in a faint, having a fit.
"Fetch my mother, Mary. Send for the doctor, Elizabeth," said Jemima, rushing to her father. She and Mr Benson did all in their power to restore him. Mrs Bradshaw forgot all her vows of estrangement from the dead-like husband, who might never speak to her, or hear her again, and bitterly accused herself for every angry word she had spoken against him during these last few miserable days.
"Get my mom, Mary. Call for the doctor, Elizabeth," said Jemima, rushing to her father. She and Mr. Benson did everything they could to revive him. Mrs. Bradshaw forgot all her promises to stay away from her lifeless husband, who might never talk to her or hear her again, and she bitterly blamed herself for every harsh word she had said against him during these last few terrible days.
Before the doctor came, Mr Bradshaw had opened his eyes and partially rallied, although he either did not, or could not speak. He looked struck down into old age. His eyes were sensible in their expression, but had the dim glaze of many years of life upon them. His lower jaw fell from his upper one, giving a look of melancholy depression to the face, although the lips hid the unclosed teeth. But he answered correctly (in monosyllables, it is true) all the questions which the doctor chose to ask. And the medical man was not so much impressed with the serious character of the seizure as the family, who knew all the hidden mystery behind, and had seen their father lie for the first time with the precursor aspect of death upon his face. Rest, watching, and a little medicine were what the doctor prescribed; it was so slight a prescription, for what had appeared to Mr Benson so serious an attack, that he wished to follow the medical man out of the room to make further inquiries, and learn the real opinion which he thought must lurk behind. But as he was following the doctor, he—they all—were aware of the effort Mr Bradshaw was making to rise, in order to arrest Mr Benson's departure. He did stand up, supporting himself with one hand on the table, for his legs shook under him. Mr Benson came back instantly to the spot where he was. For a moment it seemed as if he had not the right command of his voice: but at last he said, with a tone of humble, wistful entreaty, which was very touching:
Before the doctor arrived, Mr. Bradshaw had opened his eyes and somewhat regained awareness, though he either couldn't or didn't speak. He looked worn out and aged. His eyes were expressive but carried a dull glaze from many years of life. His lower jaw drooped from his upper jaw, giving his face a sad, depressed look, although his lips covered his unclosed teeth. However, he answered all the doctor's questions correctly (though it was in short responses). The doctor was more focused on the family's concern, who understood the deeper mystery behind it all and had witnessed their father looking for the first time as if he were near death. The doctor prescribed rest, observation, and a little medication; it was such a minimal prescription for what seemed to Mr. Benson a serious attack that he wanted to follow the doctor out of the room to ask more questions and find out the real opinion he felt must be hidden beneath the surface. But as he trailed behind the doctor, they all noticed Mr. Bradshaw trying to stand up to stop Mr. Benson from leaving. He did get up, leaning on the table for support, as his legs trembled beneath him. Mr. Benson quickly returned to his side. For a moment, it seemed Mr. Bradshaw couldn't manage to speak, but finally, he said with a tone of humble, yearning desperation that was very moving:
"He is alive, sir; is he not?"
"He's alive, right, sir?"
"Yes, sir—indeed he is; he is only hurt. He is sure to do well. Mr Farquhar is with him," said Mr Benson, almost unable to speak for tears.
"Yes, sir—he really is; he's just hurt. He’s definitely going to be okay. Mr. Farquhar is with him," said Mr. Benson, almost unable to speak through his tears.
Mr Bradshaw did not remove his eyes from Mr Benson's face for more than a minute after his question had been answered. He seemed as though he would read his very soul, and there see if he spoke the truth. Satisfied at last, he sank slowly into his chair; and they were silent for a little space, waiting to perceive if he would wish for any further information just then. At length he put his hands slowly together in the clasped attitude of prayer, and said—"Thank God!"
Mr. Bradshaw didn't take his eyes off Mr. Benson's face for more than a minute after his question was answered. It seemed like he was trying to see into his very soul to determine if he was telling the truth. Finally satisfied, he slowly sank into his chair, and they sat in silence for a moment, waiting to see if he wanted any more information at that time. Eventually, he brought his hands together in a prayer-like position and said, "Thank God!"
CHAPTER XXXII
The Bradshaw Pew Again Occupied
If Jemima allowed herself now and then to imagine that one good would result from the discovery of Richard's delinquency, in the return of her father and Mr Benson to something of their old understanding and their old intercourse—if this hope fluttered through her mind, it was doomed to disappointment. Mr Benson would have been most happy to go, if Mr Bradshaw had sent for him; he was on the watch for what might be even the shadow of such an invitation—but none came. Mr Bradshaw, on his part, would have been thoroughly glad if the wilful seclusion of his present life could have been broken by the occasional visits of the old friend whom he had once forbidden the house; but this prohibition having passed his lips, he stubbornly refused to do anything which might be construed into unsaying it. Jemima was for some time in despair of his ever returning to the office, or resuming his old habits of business. He had evidently threatened as much to her husband. All that Jemima could do was to turn a deaf ear to every allusion to this menace, which he threw out from time to time, evidently with a view to see if it had struck deep enough into her husband's mind for him to have repeated it to his wife. If Mr Farquhar had named it—if it was known only to two or three to have been, but for one half-hour even, his resolution—Mr Bradshaw could have adhered to it, without any other reason than the maintenance of what he called consistency, but which was in fact doggedness. Jemima was often thankful that her mother was absent, and gone to nurse her son. If she had been at home, she would have entreated and implored her husband to fall back into his usual habits, and would have shown such a dread of his being as good as his word, that he would have been compelled to adhere to it by the very consequence affixed to it. Mr Farquhar had hard work, as it was, in passing rapidly enough between the two places—attending to his business at Eccleston; and deciding, comforting, and earnestly talking, in Richard's sick-room. During an absence of his, it was necessary to apply to one of the partners on some matter of importance; and accordingly, to Jemima's secret joy, Mr Watson came up and asked if her father was well enough to see him on business? Jemima carried in this inquiry literally; and the hesitating answer which her father gave was in the affirmative. It was not long before she saw him leave the house, accompanied by the faithful old clerk; and when he met her at dinner, he made no allusion to his morning visitor, or to his subsequent going out. But from that time forwards he went regularly to the office. He received all the information about Dick's accident, and his progress towards recovery, in perfect silence, and in as indifferent a manner as he could assume; but yet he lingered about the family sitting-room every morning until the post had come in which brought all letters from the south.
If Jemima allowed herself to occasionally think that something good might come from finding out about Richard's wrongdoing, like her father and Mr. Benson returning to their old friendship and interactions—if that hope flickered in her mind, it was bound to let her down. Mr. Benson would have gladly gone over if Mr. Bradshaw had called for him; he was eagerly waiting for any sign of such an invitation—but none came. Mr. Bradshaw, for his part, would have been more than happy if the self-imposed isolation of his current life could be broken by occasional visits from the old friend he had once banned from his house; however, since he had set that rule, he stubbornly refused to do anything that might seem like he was taking it back. Jemima was for a while in despair about his ever returning to the office or getting back to his usual business habits. He had clearly hinted at this to her husband. All Jemima could do was ignore every mention of this threat that he occasionally made, clearly hoping to see if it had made enough of an impression on her husband for him to share it with her. If Mr. Farquhar had brought it up—if it was known by just a few people to have been, even for just half an hour, his decision—Mr. Bradshaw could have stuck to it, simply out of what he called consistency, but which was really stubbornness. Jemima was often grateful that her mother was away, nursing her son. If she had been home, she would have begged and pleaded with her husband to return to his usual routines, and would have shown such fear of him actually following through on his word that he would have felt pressured to stick to it because of the very consequences attached to it. Mr. Farquhar had a tough time as it was, rushing back and forth between the two places—taking care of business in Eccleston and then soothing and earnestly speaking with Richard in his sick room. During one of his absences, it became necessary to consult one of the partners about something important; and to Jemima's secret delight, Mr. Watson came by to ask if her father was well enough to see him for business. Jemima took this inquiry literally; and her father’s hesitant response was yes. It wasn't long before she saw him leave the house with the loyal old clerk; and when he returned at dinner, he made no mention of his morning visitor or his subsequent outing. But from then on, he started going to the office regularly. He received all the updates about Dick's accident and his recovery progress in complete silence, adopting as indifferent an attitude as he could manage; yet he lingered in the family sitting room every morning until the post arrived with all the letters from the south.
When Mr Farquhar at last returned to bring the news of Dick's perfect convalescence, he resolved to tell Mr Bradshaw all that he had done and arranged for his son's future career; but, as Mr Farquhar told Mr Benson afterwards, he could not really say if Mr Bradshaw had attended to one word that he said.
When Mr. Farquhar finally came back to share the news of Dick's complete recovery, he decided to explain to Mr. Bradshaw everything he had done and planned for his son's future career. However, as Mr. Farquhar later told Mr. Benson, he couldn't be sure if Mr. Bradshaw had actually listened to anything he said.
"Rely upon it," said Mr Benson, "he has not only attended to it, but treasured up every expression you have used."
"Count on it," Mr. Benson said, "he hasn’t just paid attention to it, he’s also remembered every word you’ve said."
"Well, I tried to get some opinion, or sign of emotion, out of him. I had not much hope of the latter, I must own; but I thought he would have said whether I had done wisely or not in procuring that Glasgow situation for Dick—that he would, perhaps, have been indignant at my ousting him from the partnership so entirely on my own responsibility."
"Well, I tried to get some thoughts or feelings out of him. I honestly didn’t expect much in terms of emotions, but I thought he would have at least said whether I made a good decision in getting that job in Glasgow for Dick—maybe he would have been upset that I removed him from the partnership completely on my own."
"How did Richard take it?"
"How did Richard react?"
"Oh, nothing could exceed his penitence. If one had never heard of the proverb, 'When the devil was sick, the devil a monk would be,' I should have had greater faith in him; or if he had had more strength of character to begin with, or more reality and less outward appearance of good principle instilled into him. However, this Glasgow situation is the very thing; clear, defined duties, no great trust reposed in him, a kind and watchful head, and introductions to a better class of associates than I fancy he has ever been thrown amongst before. For, you know, Mr Bradshaw dreaded all intimacies for his son, and wanted him to eschew all society beyond his own family—would never allow him to ask a friend home. Really, when I think of the unnatural life Mr Bradshaw expected him to lead, I get into charity with him, and have hopes. By the way, have you ever succeeded in persuading his mother to send Leonard to school? He may run the same risk from isolation as Dick: not be able to choose his companions wisely when he grows up, but be too much overcome by the excitement of society to be very discreet as to who are his associates. Have you spoken to her about my plan?"
"Oh, nothing could match his remorse. If I had never heard the saying, 'When the devil was sick, the devil a monk would be,' I might have trusted him more; or if he had started with a stronger character, or had more authenticity and less superficial sense of good principles instilled in him. However, this situation in Glasgow is perfect; clear, defined responsibilities, no significant trust placed in him, a kind and watchful leader, and connections to a better class of peers than I think he’s ever been around before. You see, Mr. Bradshaw was always wary of his son’s friendships and wanted him to avoid all social interactions beyond his family—he wouldn’t even let him invite a friend over. Honestly, when I think about the unnatural life Mr. Bradshaw expected him to live, I feel some sympathy for him and have hope. By the way, have you ever managed to convince his mother to send Leonard to school? He might face the same risks from isolation as Dick: he might not choose his friends wisely as he grows up, but instead be too overwhelmed by the excitement of socializing to be careful about who he associates with. Have you talked to her about my plan?"
"Yes! but to no purpose. I cannot say that she would even admit an argument on the subject. She seemed to have an invincible repugnance to the idea of exposing him to the remarks of other boys on his peculiar position."
"Yes! But it’s pointless. I can't say that she would even consider discussing it. She seemed to have an unshakeable aversion to the idea of him facing comments from other boys about his unique situation."
"They need never know of it. Besides, sooner or later, he must step out of his narrow circle, and encounter remark and scorn."
"They will never need to know about it. Besides, sooner or later, he has to break out of his small circle and face comments and criticism."
"True," said Mr Benson, mournfully. "And you may depend upon it, if it really is the best for Leonard, she will come round to it by-and-by. It is almost extraordinary to see the way in which her earnest and most unselfish devotion to this boy's real welfare leads her to right and wise conclusions."
"That's true," Mr. Benson said sadly. "And you can count on it, if it really is what's best for Leonard, she'll come around to it eventually. It's almost amazing to see how her sincere and selfless dedication to what's best for this boy guides her to the right and sensible conclusions."
"I wish I could tame her so as to let me meet her as a friend. Since the baby was born, she comes to see Jemima. My wife tells me, that she sits and holds it soft in her arms, and talks to it as if her whole soul went out to the little infant. But if she hears a strange footstep on the stair, what Jemima calls the 'wild-animal look' comes back into her eyes, and she steals away like some frightened creature. With all that she has done to redeem her character, she should not be so timid of observation."
"I wish I could win her over so she'd let me be her friend. Ever since the baby was born, she comes to visit Jemima. My wife tells me that she sits and gently holds the baby in her arms, talking to it as if her whole soul is devoted to the little one. But if she hears an unfamiliar footstep on the stairs, that 'wild-animal look,' as Jemima calls it, returns to her eyes, and she sneaks away like a scared animal. Despite everything she has done to improve her reputation, she shouldn't be so afraid of being seen."
"You may well say 'with all that she has done!' We of her own household hear little or nothing of what she does. If she wants help, she simply tells us how and why; but if not—perhaps because it is some relief to her to forget for a time the scenes of suffering in which she has been acting the part of comforter, and perhaps because there always was a shy, sweet reticence about her—we never should know what she is and what she does, except from the poor people themselves, who would bless her in words if the very thought of her did not choke them with tears. Yet, I do assure you, she passes out of all this gloom, and makes sunlight in our house. We are never so cheerful as when she is at home. She always had the art of diffusing peace, but now it is positive cheerfulness. And about Leonard; I doubt if the wisest and most thoughtful schoolmaster could teach half as much directly, as his mother does unconsciously and indirectly every hour that he is with her. Her noble, humble, pious endurance of the consequences of what was wrong in her early life, seems expressly fitted to act upon him, whose position is (unjustly, for he has done no harm) so similar to hers."
"You might say, 'with everything she's done!' We, who are part of her household, hear very little about her actions. If she needs help, she just explains how and why; but if she doesn’t—maybe because it's a relief for her to temporarily forget the scenes of suffering where she's been a comforter, and maybe because she's always had a sweet, shy way of being private—we would never really know what she is like or what she does, except from the poor people themselves, who would bless her with words if the very thought of her didn’t choke them up with tears. Still, I assure you, she brings brightness to all this gloom and fills our home with sunlight. We're never as cheerful as when she's around. She’s always had a talent for spreading peace, but now it’s genuine cheerfulness. And about Leonard; I doubt that even the wisest and most thoughtful schoolmaster could teach as much directly as his mother does unconsciously and indirectly every hour he's with her. Her noble, humble, and faithful endurance of the consequences of her past mistakes seems perfectly suited to influence him, whose situation is (unjustly, since he’s done no wrong) quite similar to hers."
"Well! I suppose we must leave it alone for the present. You will think me a hard practical man when I own to you, that all I expect from Leonard's remaining a home-bird is that, with such a mother, it will do him no harm. At any rate, remember my offer is the same for a year—two years hence, as now. What does she look forward to making him into, finally?"
"Well! I guess we have to leave it as it is for now. You might think I'm a tough, practical person when I admit that all I expect from Leonard staying at home is that, with a mother like that, it won’t hurt him. Anyway, just remember my offer stands for a year—two years from now, just like it does now. What does she hope to turn him into in the end?"
"I don't know. The wonder comes into my mind sometimes; but never into hers, I think. It is part of her character—part perhaps of that which made her what she was—that she never looks forward, and seldom back. The present is enough for her."
"I don't know. Sometimes the wonder crosses my mind, but I don't think it ever crosses hers. It's part of her personality—maybe it’s what shaped her into who she was—that she never looks ahead and rarely looks back. The present is enough for her."
And so the conversation ended. When Mr Benson repeated the substance of it to his sister, she mused awhile, breaking out into an occasional whistle (although she had cured herself of this habit in a great measure), and at last she said:
And so the conversation wrapped up. When Mr. Benson told his sister what had happened, she thought for a bit, occasionally whistling (even though she had mostly stopped this habit), and finally she said:
"Now, do you know, I never liked poor Dick; and yet I'm angry with Mr Farquhar for getting him out of the partnership in such a summary way. I can't get over it, even though he has offered to send Leonard to school. And here he's reigning lord-paramount at the office! As if you, Thurstan, weren't as well able to teach him as any schoolmaster in England! But I should not mind that affront, if I were not sorry to think of Dick (though I never could abide him) labouring away in Glasgow for a petty salary of nobody knows how little, while Mr Farquhar is taking halves, instead of thirds, of the profits here!"
"Honestly, I never liked poor Dick, but I'm still upset with Mr. Farquhar for kicking him out of the partnership so abruptly. I just can't get past it, even though he’s offered to send Leonard to school. And now he’s acting like the top boss at the office! As if you, Thurstan, couldn’t teach him just as well as any schoolmaster in England! But I wouldn’t mind that insult if I didn’t feel bad about Dick (even though I could never stand him) toiling away in Glasgow for a meager salary, while Mr. Farquhar is taking half, instead of a third, of the profits here!"
But her brother could not tell her—and even Jemima did not know, till long afterwards—that the portion of income which would have been Dick's as a junior partner, if he had remained in the business, was carefully laid aside for him by Mr Farquhar; to be delivered up, with all its accumulated interest, when the prodigal should have proved his penitence by his conduct.
But her brother couldn’t tell her—and even Jemima didn’t know, until much later—that the share of income that would have gone to Dick as a junior partner, if he had stayed in the business, was set aside for him by Mr. Farquhar; to be given to him, along with all its accumulated interest, when the wayward son had shown his remorse through his actions.
When Ruth had no call upon her time, it was indeed a holiday at Chapel-house. She threw off as much as she could of the care and the sadness in which she had been sharing; and returned fresh and helpful, ready to go about in her soft, quiet way, and fill up every measure of service, and heap it with the fragrance of her own sweet nature. The delicate mending, that the elder women could no longer see to do, was put by for Ruth's swift and nimble fingers. The occasional copying, or patient writing to dictation, that gave rest to Mr Benson's weary spine, was done by her with sunny alacrity. But, most of all, Leonard's heart rejoiced when his mother came home. Then came the quiet confidences, the tender exchange of love, the happy walks from which he returned stronger and stronger—going from strength to strength as his mother led the way. It was well, as they saw now, that the great shock of the disclosure had taken place when it did. She, for her part, wondered at her own cowardliness in having even striven to keep back the truth from her child—the truth that was so certain to be made clear, sooner or later, and which it was only owing to God's mercy that she was alive to encounter with him, and, by so encountering, shield and give him good courage. Moreover, in her secret heart, she was thankful that all occurred while he was yet too young to have much curiosity as to his father. If an unsatisfied feeling of this kind occasionally stole into his mind, at any rate she never heard any expression of it; for the past was a sealed book between them. And so, in the bright strength of good endeavour, the days went on, and grew again to months and years.
When Ruth had some free time, it was truly a break at Chapel-house. She shook off as much of the worry and sadness that she had been carrying as she could and returned feeling refreshed and ready to help, making sure to fill every role with the warmth of her kind spirit. The delicate repairs that the older women could no longer manage were left for Ruth’s quick and nimble hands. The occasional copying or patient writing to ease Mr. Benson's tired back was done by her with cheerful enthusiasm. Most of all, Leonard's heart lit up when his mother came home. That’s when the quiet chats happened, the loving exchanges, and the joyful walks that made him feel stronger and stronger—growing in strength as his mother led the way. It turned out to be fortunate, as they could see now, that the big shock of the revelation occurred when it did. She, for her part, was amazed at her own cowardice for even trying to hide the truth from her child—the truth that was bound to come out, sooner or later, and for which she was grateful to God for being alive to face it with him and, in doing so, protect him and give him courage. Deep down, she was also relieved that all of this happened while he was still too young to be very curious about his father. If he ever felt an unfulfilled curiosity about it, she never heard him say anything; the past was a closed chapter between them. And so, with bright determination, the days passed, eventually turning into months and years.
Perhaps one little circumstance which occurred during this time had scarcely external importance enough to be called an event; but in Mr Benson's mind it took rank as such. One day, about a year after Richard Bradshaw had ceased to be a partner in his father's house, Mr Benson encountered Mr Farquhar in the street, and heard from him of the creditable and respectable manner in which Richard was conducting himself in Glasgow, where Mr Farquhar had lately been on business.
Perhaps one small incident that happened during this time wasn’t significant enough to be called an event, but in Mr. Benson's mind, it felt like one. One day, about a year after Richard Bradshaw stopped being a partner in his father's business, Mr. Benson ran into Mr. Farquhar on the street and learned from him about the commendable and respectable way Richard was handling himself in Glasgow, where Mr. Farquhar had recently been on business.
"I am determined to tell his father of this," said he; "I think his family are far too obedient to his tacit prohibition of all mention of Richard's name."
"I’m dead set on telling his dad about this," he said. "I really think his family is way too compliant with his unspoken rule against mentioning Richard's name."
"Tacit prohibition?" inquired Mr Benson.
"Tacit prohibition?" asked Mr. Benson.
"Oh! I dare say I use the words in a wrong sense for the correctness of a scholar; but what I mean is, that he made a point of immediately leaving the room if Richard's name was mentioned; and did it in so marked a manner, that by degrees they understood that it was their father's desire that he should never be alluded to; which was all very well as long as there was nothing pleasant to be said about him; but to-night I am going there, and shall take good care he does not escape me before I have told him all I have heard and observed about Richard. He will never be a hero of virtue, for his education has drained him of all moral courage; but with care, and the absence of all strong temptation for a time, he will do very well; nothing to gratify paternal pride, but certainly nothing to be ashamed of."
"Oh! I know I’m probably using the words incorrectly for a scholar's standards, but what I mean is that he always made it a point to leave the room as soon as Richard's name came up. He did this in such a noticeable way that eventually they figured out that their father didn’t want him mentioned at all. That was fine as long as there was nothing good to say about him; but tonight I’m going there, and I’ll make sure he doesn’t get away before I tell him everything I’ve heard and seen about Richard. He might not be a model of virtue, since his upbringing has stripped him of all moral courage; but with some attention and without any strong temptations for a while, he should be just fine. Nothing to make their father proud, but definitely nothing to be embarrassed about."
It was on the Sunday after this that the little circumstance to which I have alluded took place.
It was on the Sunday after that the small event I mentioned happened.
During the afternoon service, Mr Benson became aware that the large Bradshaw pew was no longer unoccupied. In a dark corner Mr Bradshaw's white head was to be seen, bowed down low in prayer. When last he had worshipped there, the hair on that head was iron-grey, and even in prayer he had stood erect, with an air of conscious righteousness sufficient for all his wants, and even some to spare with which to judge others. Now, that white and hoary head was never uplifted; part of his unobtrusiveness might, it is true, be attributed to the uncomfortable feeling which was sure to attend any open withdrawal of the declaration he had once made, never to enter the chapel in which Mr Benson was minister again; and as such a feeling was natural to all men, and especially to such a one as Mr Bradshaw, Mr Benson instinctively respected it, and passed out of the chapel with his household, without ever directing his regards to the obscure place where Mr Bradshaw still remained immovable.
During the afternoon service, Mr. Benson noticed that the large Bradshaw pew was no longer empty. In a dark corner, Mr. Bradshaw's white head could be seen, bowed low in prayer. The last time he had worshipped there, his hair was iron-gray, and even during prayer, he stood tall, exuding a sense of righteousness that seemed sufficient for all his needs, plus a little extra to judge others. Now, that white and gray head was never lifted; part of his low profile could definitely be attributed to the uncomfortable feeling that would come from openly going back on his previous declaration never to enter the chapel where Mr. Benson was the minister again. Since that feeling was natural for everyone, especially for someone like Mr. Bradshaw, Mr. Benson instinctively respected it and left the chapel with his family, without ever looking towards the overlooked spot where Mr. Bradshaw remained unmoving.
From this day Mr Benson felt sure that the old friendly feeling existed once more between them, although some time might elapse before any circumstance gave the signal for a renewal of their intercourse.
From this day on, Mr. Benson was confident that the old friendly feeling was back between them, even though it might take a while before something happened to trigger a renewal of their interactions.
CHAPTER XXXIII
A Mother to Be Proud Of
Old people tell of certain years when typhus fever swept over the country like a pestilence; years that bring back the remembrance of deep sorrow—refusing to be comforted—to many a household; and which those whose beloved passed through the fiery time unscathed, shrink from recalling: for great and tremulous was the anxiety—miserable the constant watching for evil symptoms; and beyond the threshold of home a dense cloud of depression hung over society at large. It seemed as if the alarm was proportionate to the previous light-heartedness of fancied security—and indeed it was so; for, since the days of King Belshazzar, the solemn decrees of Doom have ever seemed most terrible when they awe into silence the merry revellers of life. So it was this year to which I come in the progress of my story.
Older people talk about certain years when typhus fever spread across the country like a plague; years that bring back painful memories of sorrow—persistent and unyielding—for many families; and those whose loved ones made it through that fiery time unharmed hesitate to revisit those memories: for the anxiety was intense, and the constant vigilance for troubling symptoms was distressing; beyond the doorsteps, a heavy cloud of despair loomed over society as a whole. It felt like the alarm was directly linked to the earlier carefree attitude of imagined safety—and indeed it was; for, since the days of King Belshazzar, the serious pronouncements of fate have always seemed the most frightening when they silence the joyous revelers of life. So it was this year to which I now turn in the course of my story.
The summer had been unusually gorgeous. Some had complained of the steaming heat, but others had pointed to the lush vegetation, which was profuse and luxuriant. The early autumn was wet and cold, but people did not regard it, in contemplation of some proud rejoicing of the nation, which filled every newspaper and gave food to every tongue. In Eccleston these rejoicings were greater than in most places; for, by the national triumph of arms, it was supposed that a new market for the staple manufacture of the place would be opened; and so the trade, which had for a year or two been languishing, would now revive with redoubled vigour. Besides these legitimate causes of good spirits, there was the rank excitement of a coming election, in consequence of Mr Donne having accepted a Government office, procured for him by one of his influential relations. This time, the Cranworths roused themselves from their magnificent torpor of security in good season, and were going through a series of pompous and ponderous hospitalities, in order to bring back the Eccleston voters to their allegiance.
The summer had been unusually beautiful. Some complained about the sweltering heat, but others admired the abundant and thriving greenery. Early autumn was wet and chilly, but people didn’t pay much attention to it, focused instead on a proud celebration of the nation that filled every newspaper and sparked conversation everywhere. In Eccleston, these celebrations were more intense than in many other places; the national military victory was thought to open a new market for the town's main industry, which would hopefully revive trade that had been struggling for a year or two. Beyond these valid reasons for feeling good, there was the palpable excitement of an upcoming election, as Mr. Donne had accepted a government position secured for him by an influential relative. This time, the Cranworths shook off their comfortable complacency in a timely manner and were hosting a series of grand and heavy-handed gatherings to win back the Eccleston voters' support.
While the town was full of these subjects by turns—now thinking and speaking of the great revival of trade—now of the chances of the election, as yet some weeks distant—now of the balls at Cranworth Court, in which Mr Cranworth had danced with all the belles of the shopocracy of Eccleston—there came creeping, creeping, in hidden, slimy courses, the terrible fever—that fever which is never utterly banished from the sad haunts of vice and misery, but lives in such darkness, like a wild beast in the recesses of his den. It had begun in the low Irish lodging-houses; but there it was so common it excited little attention. The poor creatures died almost without the attendance of the unwarned medical men, who received their first notice of the spreading plague from the Roman Catholic priests.
While the town was buzzing with different topics—sometimes discussing the big boost in trade, other times speculating about the upcoming election still weeks away, and then chatting about the parties at Cranworth Court, where Mr. Cranworth had danced with all the beautiful women of the Eccleston middle class—there crept in, silently and insidiously, the terrible fever. This fever is never completely gone from the sad places of vice and misery but lurks in the shadows, like a wild animal in its lair. It started in the low-income Irish boarding houses, but it was so common there that it barely drew attention. The poor people died almost without any help from the unsuspecting doctors, who first learned about the spreading illness from the Roman Catholic priests.
Before the medical men of Eccleston had had time to meet together and consult, and compare the knowledge of the fever which they had severally gained, it had, like the blaze of a fire which had long smouldered, burst forth in many places at once—not merely among the loose-living and vicious, but among the decently poor—nay, even among the well-to-do and respectable. And to add to the horror, like all similar pestilences, its course was most rapid at first, and was fatal in the great majority of cases—hopeless from the beginning. There was a cry, and then a deep silence, and then rose the long wail of the survivors.
Before the doctors in Eccleston had a chance to come together, discuss, and share what they had learned about the fever, it erupted suddenly in several places at once—not just among those living irresponsibly and immorally, but also among the decent poor—indeed, even among the well-off and respectable. To make matters worse, like all similar outbreaks, it spread quickly at first and proved fatal in most cases—hopeless from the start. There was a shout, followed by a profound silence, and then the long lament of the survivors began.
A portion of the Infirmary of the town was added to that already set apart for a fever-ward; the smitten were carried thither at once, whenever it was possible, in order to prevent the spread of infection; and on that lazar-house was concentrated all the medical skill and force of the place.
A section of the town's Infirmary was added to the area designated for a fever ward; the infected were taken there right away, whenever possible, to stop the infection from spreading; and all the medical expertise and resources of the town were focused on that isolation hospital.
But when one of the physicians had died, in consequence of his attendance—when the customary staff of matrons and nurses had been swept off in two days—and the nurses belonging to the Infirmary had shrunk from being drafted into the pestilential fever-ward—when high wages had failed to tempt any to what, in their panic, they considered as certain death—when the doctors stood aghast at the swift mortality among the untended sufferers, who were dependent only on the care of the most ignorant hirelings, too brutal to recognise the solemnity of Death (all this had happened within a week from the first acknowledgment of the presence of the plague)—Ruth came one day, with a quieter step than usual, into Mr Benson's study, and told him she wanted to speak to him for a few minutes.
But when one of the doctors died due to his duties—when the usual team of matrons and nurses was wiped out in two days—and the nurses from the Infirmary refused to be sent to the fever ward—when high pay couldn't lure anyone to what they all feared was certain death—when the doctors were in shock at the rapid death rates among the neglected patients, who were left in the care of the most naive workers, too harsh to understand the seriousness of Death (all of this happened within a week of the first acknowledgment of the plague)—Ruth came one day, with a calmer demeanor than usual, into Mr. Benson's study and told him she wanted to talk to him for a few minutes.
"To be sure, my dear! Sit down," said he; for she was standing and leaning her head against the chimney-piece, idly gazing into the fire. She went on standing there, as if she had not heard his words; and it was a few moments before she began to speak. Then she said:
"Of course, my dear! Take a seat," he said; since she was standing and leaning her head against the mantel, absently looking into the fire. She continued to stand there, as if she hadn’t heard him; and it was a few moments before she started to speak. Then she said:
"I want to tell you, that I have been this morning and offered myself as matron to the fever-ward while it is so full. They have accepted me; and I am going this evening."
"I want to let you know that this morning I offered to be the matron for the fever ward since it’s so crowded. They've accepted me, and I’m going this evening."
"Oh, Ruth! I feared this; I saw your look this morning as we spoke of this terrible illness."
"Oh, Ruth! I was worried about this; I saw your expression this morning when we talked about this awful illness."
"Why do you say 'fear,' Mr Benson? You yourself have been with John Harrison, and old Betty, and many others, I dare say, of whom we have not heard."
"Why do you say 'fear,' Mr. Benson? You’ve been with John Harrison, and old Betty, and many others, I’m sure, of whom we haven’t heard."
"But this is so different! in such poisoned air! among such malignant cases! Have you thought and weighed it enough, Ruth?"
"But this is so different! In such polluted air! Among such harmful cases! Have you thought about it and considered it enough, Ruth?"
She was quite still for a moment, but her eyes grew full of tears. At last she said, very softly, with a kind of still solemnity:
She stayed quiet for a moment, but her eyes filled with tears. Finally, she spoke very softly, with a sort of calm seriousness:
"Yes! I have thought, and I have weighed. But through the very midst of all my fears and thoughts I have felt that I must go."
"Yes! I've thought about it, and I've considered it. But despite all my fears and worries, I feel that I have to go."
The remembrance of Leonard was present in both their minds; but for a few moments longer they neither of them spoke. Then Ruth said:
The memory of Leonard filled both their minds, but for a little while longer, neither of them said anything. Then Ruth spoke up:
"I believe I have no fear. That is a great preservative, they say. At any rate, if I have a little natural shrinking, it is quite gone when I remember that I am in God's hands! Oh, Mr Benson," continued she, breaking out into the irrepressible tears—"Leonard, Leonard!"
"I believe I have no fear. That’s a great advantage, they say. Anyway, if I feel a little natural hesitation, it completely disappears when I remember that I'm in God's hands! Oh, Mr. Benson," she continued, bursting into tears—"Leonard, Leonard!"
And now it was his turn to speak out the brave words of faith.
And now it was his turn to say the courageous words of belief.
"Poor, poor mother!" said he. "Be of good heart. He, too, is in God's hands. Think what a flash of time only will separate you from him, if you should die in this work!"
"Poor, poor mom!" he said. "Stay strong. He’s also in God’s hands. Just think about how little time it will be that separates you from him if you die doing this!"
"But he—but he—it will be long to him, Mr Benson! He will be alone!"
"But he—but he—it will feel long to him, Mr. Benson! He will be alone!"
"No, Ruth, he will not. God and all good men will watch over him. But if you cannot still this agony of fear as to what will become of him, you ought not to go. Such tremulous passion will predispose you to take the fever."
"No, Ruth, he won't. God and all good people will look out for him. But if you can't calm this intense fear about what will happen to him, you shouldn't go. Such overwhelming emotion will make you more likely to catch the fever."
"I will not be afraid," she replied, lifting up her face, over which a bright light shone, as of God's radiance. "I am not afraid for myself. I will not be so for my darling."
"I won't be afraid," she answered, lifting her face, which was illuminated by a bright light, like the radiance of God. "I'm not afraid for myself. I won't be for my beloved."
After a little pause, they began to arrange the manner of her going, and to speak of the length of time that she might be absent on her temporary duties. In talking of her return, they assumed it to be certain, although the exact time when was to them unknown, and would be dependent entirely on the duration of the fever; but not the less, in their secret hearts, did they feel where alone the issue lay. Ruth was to communicate with Leonard and Miss Faith through Mr Benson alone, who insisted on his determination to go every evening to the Hospital to learn the proceedings of the day, and the state of Ruth's health.
After a brief pause, they started to discuss how she would leave and the amount of time she might be away for her temporary responsibilities. While talking about her return, they assumed it was certain, even though they didn’t know exactly when it would happen, as it would depend entirely on how long the fever lasted; still, deep down, they recognized where the true outcome rested. Ruth was to keep in touch with Leonard and Miss Faith only through Mr. Benson, who insisted on his commitment to visit the Hospital every evening to find out about the day’s events and Ruth's health condition.
"It is not alone on your account, my dear! There may be many sick people of whom, if I can give no other comfort, I can take intelligence to their friends."
"It’s not just because of you, my dear! There might be many sick people for whom, if I can't provide any other comfort, I can at least share news with their friends."
All was settled with grave composure; yet still Ruth lingered, as if nerving herself up for some effort. At length she said, with a faint smile upon her pale face:
All was settled with serious calm; yet still Ruth lingered, as if preparing herself for some effort. Finally, she said, with a faint smile on her pale face:
"I believe I am a great coward. I stand here talking because I dread to tell Leonard."
"I think I'm a total coward. I'm standing here talking because I'm too scared to tell Leonard."
"You must not think of it," exclaimed he. "Leave it to me. It is sure to unnerve you."
"You shouldn't think about it," he exclaimed. "Just leave it to me. It'll definitely shake you up."
"I must think of it. I shall have self-control enough in a minute to do it calmly—to speak hopefully. For only think," continued she, smiling through the tears that would gather in her eyes, "what a comfort the remembrance of the last few words may be to the poor fellow, if—" The words were choked, but she smiled bravely on. "No!" said she, "that must be done; but perhaps you will spare me one thing—will you tell Aunt Faith? I suppose I am very weak, but, knowing that I must go, and not knowing what may be the end, I feel as if I could not bear to resist her entreaties just at last. Will you tell her, sir, while I go to Leonard?"
"I need to think about it. I’ll find the self-control to handle this calmly in a minute—to speak with hope. Just think," she continued, smiling through the tears forming in her eyes, "how comforting the memory of those last few words could be for the poor guy, if—" Her words faltered, but she smiled courageously nonetheless. "No!" she said, "that needs to happen; but maybe you could do one thing for me—will you tell Aunt Faith? I know I sound weak, but knowing I have to go and not knowing what the end might be, it feels too hard to push back against her pleas at the last moment. Will you tell her, sir, while I go to Leonard?"
Silently he consented, and the two rose up and came forth, calm and serene. And calmly and gently did Ruth tell her boy of her purpose; not daring even to use any unaccustomed tenderness of voice or gesture, lest, by so doing, she should alarm him unnecessarily as to the result. She spoke hopefully, and bade him be of good courage; and he caught her bravery, though his, poor boy, had root rather in his ignorance of the actual imminent danger than in her deep faith.
Silently he agreed, and the two stood up and stepped forward, calm and composed. And gently and quietly, Ruth explained her plan to her son; she didn't want to show any unusual tenderness in her voice or actions, fearing it might worry him about the outcome. She spoke with hope and encouraged him to stay brave; he mirrored her courage, although, poor kid, his was more due to not knowing the real danger ahead than to her strong faith.
When he had gone down, Ruth began to arrange her dress. When she came downstairs she went into the old familiar garden and gathered a nosegay of the last lingering autumn flowers—a few roses and the like.
When he left, Ruth started to fix her dress. Once she came downstairs, she went into the familiar garden and picked a small bunch of the last remaining autumn flowers—a few roses and a couple of others.
Mr Benson had tutored his sister well; and although Miss Faith's face was swollen with crying, she spoke with almost exaggerated cheerfulness to Ruth. Indeed, as they all stood at the front door, making-believe to have careless nothings to say, just as at an ordinary leave-taking, you would not have guessed the strained chords of feeling there were in each heart. They lingered on, the last rays of the setting sun falling on the group. Ruth once or twice had roused herself to the pitch of saying "Good-bye," but when her eye fell on Leonard she was forced to hide the quivering of her lips, and conceal her trembling mouth amid the bunch of roses.
Mr. Benson had taught his sister well; and although Miss Faith's face was puffy from crying, she spoke to Ruth with almost exaggerated cheerfulness. In fact, as they all stood at the front door, pretending to chat about trivial things like in any typical goodbye, you wouldn’t have guessed the complicated emotions each of them felt. They lingered there, the last rays of the setting sun casting warmth on the group. Ruth made an effort a couple of times to say "Good-bye," but when she saw Leonard, she had to hide the quiver of her lips and mask her trembling mouth among the bouquet of roses.
"They won't let you have your flowers, I'm afraid," said Miss Benson. "Doctors so often object to the smell."
"They won't let you keep your flowers, I'm sorry to say," Miss Benson said. "Doctors often complain about the smell."
"No; perhaps not," said Ruth, hurriedly. "I did not think of it. I will only keep this one rose. Here, Leonard, darling!" She gave the rest to him. It was her farewell; for having now no veil to hide her emotion, she summoned all her bravery for one parting smile, and, smiling, turned away. But she gave one look back from the street, just from the last point at which the door could be seen, and catching a glimpse of Leonard standing foremost on the step, she ran back, and he met her half-way, and mother and child spoke never a word in that close embrace.
"No; maybe not," Ruth said quickly. "I didn't think of that. I'll just keep this one rose. Here, Leonard, sweetheart!" She handed him the rest. It was her goodbye; now without a veil to hide her feelings, she mustered all her courage for one final smile and, smiling, turned away. But she glanced back from the street, just from the last place where she could see the door, and catching a glimpse of Leonard standing at the front on the step, she ran back, and he met her halfway, and mother and child said nothing in that close embrace.
"Now, Leonard," said Miss Faith, "be a brave boy. I feel sure she will come back to us before very long."
"Now, Leonard," said Miss Faith, "be a brave boy. I'm sure she'll come back to us soon."
But she was very near crying herself; and she would have given way, I believe, if she had not found the wholesome outlet of scolding Sally, for expressing just the same opinion respecting Ruth's proceedings as she herself had done not two hours before. Taking what her brother had said to her as a text, she delivered such a lecture to Sally on want of faith that she was astonished at herself, and so much affected by what she had said that she had to shut the door of communication between the kitchen and the parlour pretty hastily, in order to prevent Sally's threatened reply from weakening her belief in the righteousness of what Ruth had done. Her words had gone beyond her conviction.
But she was very close to crying herself, and she would have broken down, I believe, if she hadn't found the healthy outlet of scolding Sally for expressing the exact same opinion about Ruth's actions as she had just a couple of hours earlier. Using what her brother had said as a starting point, she gave Sally such a lecture on lacking faith that she was surprised by herself, and so moved by her own words that she had to quickly close the door between the kitchen and the living room to prevent Sally's impending response from shaking her belief in the rightness of what Ruth had done. Her words had gone beyond what she truly believed.
Evening after evening Mr Benson went forth to gain news of Ruth; and night after night he returned with good tidings. The fever, it is true, raged; but no plague came nigh her. He said her face was ever calm and bright, except when clouded by sorrow as she gave the accounts of the deaths which occurred in spite of every care. He said he had never seen her face so fair and gentle as it was now, when she was living in the midst of disease and woe.
Evening after evening, Mr. Benson went out to find news about Ruth; and night after night, he came back with good updates. The fever, it’s true, was severe; but no plague came close to her. He said her face was always calm and bright, except when it was overshadowed by sadness as she recounted the deaths that happened despite all the care. He mentioned he had never seen her face look so beautiful and gentle as it did now, while she was surrounded by illness and suffering.
One evening Leonard (for they had grown bolder as to the infection) accompanied him to the street on which the hospital abutted. Mr Benson left him there, and told him to return home; but the boy lingered, attracted by the crowd that had gathered, and were gazing up intently towards the lighted windows of the hospital. There was nothing beyond to be seen; but the greater part of these poor people had friends or relations in that palace of Death.
One evening, Leonard (since they had become more daring about the infection) went with him to the street next to the hospital. Mr. Benson left him there and told him to go home, but the boy hung back, drawn in by the crowd that had gathered and was staring intently at the lighted windows of the hospital. There was nothing else to see, but most of these unfortunate people had friends or family inside that place of Death.
Leonard stood and listened. At first their talk consisted of vague and exaggerated accounts (if such could be exaggerated) of the horrors of the fever. Then they spoke of Ruth—of his mother; and Leonard held his breath to hear.
Leonard stood and listened. At first, their conversation included vague and over-the-top stories (if that's even possible) about the horrors of the fever. Then they started talking about Ruth—his mother; and Leonard held his breath to hear.
"They say she has been a great sinner, and that this is her penance," quoth one. And as Leonard gasped, before rushing forward to give the speaker straight the lie, an old man spoke:
"They say she's been a major sinner, and that this is her punishment," said one. And as Leonard gasped, about to charge forward to call out the speaker on their lie, an old man spoke:
"Such a one as her has never been a great sinner; nor does she do her work as a penance, but for the love of God, and of the blessed Jesus. She will be in the light of God's countenance when you and I will be standing afar off. I tell you, man, when my poor wench died, as no one would come near, her head lay at that hour on this woman's sweet breast. I could fell you," the old man went on, lifting his shaking arm, "for calling that woman a great sinner. The blessing of them who were ready to perish is upon her."
"Someone like her has never been a big sinner; she doesn’t do her work as punishment, but out of love for God and for Jesus. She will be in the light of God’s presence when you and I are standing far away. I’m telling you, man, when my poor girl died, no one else would come near her, and her head was resting on this woman's kind chest at that moment. I could seriously hurt you," the old man continued, raising his trembling arm, "for calling that woman a big sinner. The blessing of those who were about to perish is on her."
Immediately there arose a clamour of tongues, each with some tale of his mother's gentle doings, till Leonard grew dizzy with the beatings of his glad, proud heart. Few were aware how much Ruth had done; she never spoke of it, shrinking with sweet shyness from over-much allusion to her own work at all times. Her left hand truly knew not what her right hand did; and Leonard was overwhelmed now to hear of the love and the reverence with which the poor and outcast had surrounded her. It was irrepressible. He stepped forward with a proud bearing, and touching the old man's arm who had first spoken, Leonard tried to speak; but for an instant he could not, his heart was too full: tears came before words, but at length he managed to say:
Immediately, a chorus of voices erupted, each sharing a story about his mother’s kind acts, and Leonard felt overwhelmed with happiness and pride. Few knew just how much Ruth had done; she never talked about it, shyly avoiding too much attention to her own efforts. She genuinely didn’t let her left hand know what her right hand was doing, and now Leonard was astonished to hear about the love and respect the poor and outcasts had for her. It was unstoppable. He stepped forward proudly and, touching the arm of the old man who had first spoken, Leonard tried to say something; but for a moment he couldn’t, his heart was too full: tears came before words, but eventually he managed to say:
"Sir, I am her son!"
"Sir, I'm her son!"
"Thou! thou her bairn! God bless you, lad," said an old woman, pushing through the crowd. "It was but last night she kept my child quiet with singing psalms the night through. Low and sweet, low and sweet, they tell me—till many poor things were hushed, though they were out of their minds, and had not heard psalms this many a year. God in heaven bless you, lad!"
"Hey! You, her child! God bless you, kid," said an old woman, pushing through the crowd. "Just last night, she kept my child calm by singing psalms all night long. Soft and sweet, soft and sweet, they tell me—until many poor souls were quieted, even though they were out of their minds and hadn’t heard psalms in years. God in heaven bless you, kid!"
Many other wild, woe-begone creatures pressed forward with blessings on Ruth's son, while he could only repeat:
Many other wild, sorrowful creatures pushed forward with blessings for Ruth's son, while he could only repeat:
"She is my mother."
"She's my mom."
From that day forward Leonard walked erect in the streets of Eccleston, where "many arose and called her blessed."
From that day on, Leonard walked proudly through the streets of Eccleston, where "many arose and called her blessed."
After some weeks the virulence of the fever abated; and the general panic subsided—indeed, a kind of fool-hardiness succeeded. To be sure, in some instances the panic still held possession of individuals to an exaggerated extent. But the number of patients in the hospital was rapidly diminishing, and, for money, those were to be found who could supply Ruth's place. But to her it was owing that the overwrought fear of the town was subdued; it was she who had gone voluntarily, and, with no thought of greed or gain, right into the very jaws of the fierce disease. She bade the inmates of the hospital farewell, and after carefully submitting herself to the purification recommended by Mr Davis, the principal surgeon of the place, who had always attended Leonard, she returned to Mr Benson's just at gloaming time.
After a few weeks, the intensity of the fever lessened, and the widespread panic faded away—actually, a sort of reckless bravado took its place. Of course, in some cases, individuals still held onto their panic in an exaggerated way. However, the number of patients in the hospital was quickly going down, and there were people willing to take Ruth's spot for a price. It was thanks to her that the town's overwhelming fear was calmed; she had bravely gone right into the face of the deadly disease without any thought of profit. She said goodbye to the hospital residents, and after carefully going through the purification process recommended by Mr. Davis, the head surgeon who had always cared for Leonard, she returned to Mr. Benson's just at twilight.
They each vied with the other in the tenderest cares. They hastened tea; they wheeled the sofa to the fire; they made her lie down; and to all she submitted with the docility of a child; and when the candles came, even Mr Benson's anxious eye could see no change in her looks, but that she seemed a little paler. The eyes were as full of spiritual light, the gently parted lips as rosy, and the smile, if more rare, yet as sweet as ever.
They each competed to take care of her in the sweetest ways. They hurried to make tea, moved the sofa closer to the fire, and encouraged her to lie down, all of which she accepted with the obedience of a child. When the candles were lit, even Mr. Benson's worried gaze could see no change in her appearance, except that she seemed a bit paler. Her eyes still sparkled with a spiritual light, her slightly parted lips were as rosy, and even though her smile appeared less frequently, it was just as sweet as always.
CHAPTER XXXIV
"I Must Go and Nurse Mr Bellingham"
The next morning, Miss Benson would insist upon making Ruth lie down on the sofa. Ruth longed to do many things; to be much more active; but she submitted, when she found that it would gratify Miss Faith if she remained as quiet as if she were really an invalid.
The next morning, Miss Benson insisted that Ruth lie down on the sofa. Ruth wanted to do many things and be more active, but she gave in when she realized it would make Miss Faith happy if she stayed as still as if she were really sick.
Leonard sat by her holding her hand. Every now and then he looked up from his book, as if to make sure that she indeed was restored to him. He had brought her down the flowers which she had given him the day of her departure, and which he had kept in water as long as they had any greenness or fragrance, and then had carefully dried and put by. She too, smiling, had produced the one rose which she had carried away to the hospital. Never had the bond between her and her boy been drawn so firm and strong.
Leonard sat next to her, holding her hand. Every so often, he would glance up from his book to make sure she was really back with him. He had brought her the flowers she had given him on the day she left, and he had kept them in water as long as they remained fresh and fragrant, later drying and saving them carefully. She, smiling, had brought out the one rose she had taken with her to the hospital. The connection between her and her boy had never felt so solid and strong.
Many visitors came this day to the quiet Chapel-house. First of all Mrs Farquhar appeared. She looked very different from the Jemima Bradshaw of three years ago. Happiness had called out beauty; the colouring of her face was lovely, and vivid as that of an autumn day; her berry-red lips scarce closed over the short white teeth for her smiles; and her large dark eyes glowed and sparkled with daily happiness. They were softened by a mist of tears as she looked upon Ruth.
Many visitors came to the quiet Chapel-house today. First of all, Mrs. Farquhar showed up. She looked very different from the Jemima Bradshaw of three years ago. Happiness had brought out her beauty; the coloring of her face was lovely and vibrant like an autumn day; her berry-red lips barely closed over her short white teeth from all her smiling, and her large dark eyes glowed and sparkled with daily happiness. They were softened by a mist of tears as she looked at Ruth.
"Lie still! Don't move! You must be content to-day to be waited upon, and nursed! I have just seen Miss Benson in the lobby, and had charge upon charge not to fatigue you. Oh, Ruth! how we all love you, now we have you back again! Do you know, I taught Rosa to say her prayers as soon as ever you were gone to that horrid place, just on purpose that her little innocent lips might pray for you—I wish you could hear her say it—'Please, dear God, keep Ruth safe.' Oh, Leonard! are not you proud of your mother?"
"Lie still! Don’t move! You have to be okay with being pampered and taken care of today! I just saw Miss Benson in the lobby, and she told me over and over not to tire you out. Oh, Ruth! We all love you so much now that you’re back with us! Did I tell you I taught Rosa to say her prayers as soon as you went to that awful place? I did it so her little innocent lips could pray for you—I wish you could hear her say it—‘Please, dear God, keep Ruth safe.’ Oh, Leonard! Aren’t you proud of your mom?"
Leonard said "Yes," rather shortly, as if he were annoyed that any one else should know, or even have a right to imagine, how proud he was. Jemima went on:
Leonard replied, "Yeah," rather curtly, as if he was irritated that anyone else should know, or even have the right to picture how proud he was. Jemima continued:
"Now, Ruth! I have got a plan for you. Walter and I have partly made it; and partly it's papa's doing. Yes, dear! papa has been quite anxious to show his respect for you. We all want you to go to the dear Eagle's Crag for this next month, and get strong, and have some change in that fine air at Abermouth. I am going to take little Rosa there. Papa has lent it to us. And the weather is often very beautiful in November."
"Now, Ruth! I have a plan for you. Walter and I came up with it, and partly it's dad's idea too. Yes, sweetheart! Dad has been really eager to show how much he respects you. We all want you to go to the lovely Eagle's Crag for the next month, to get strong and enjoy the fresh air in Abermouth. I'm going to take little Rosa with me. Dad has lent us the place. And the weather is usually really nice in November."
"Thank you very much. It is very tempting; for I have been almost longing for some such change. I cannot tell all at once whether I can go; but I will see about it, if you will let me leave it open a little."
"Thank you so much. It's really tempting; I've been almost longing for a change like this. I can't say right now if I can go, but I'll look into it if you're okay with me keeping it open for a bit."
"Oh! as long as you like, so that you will but go at last. And, Master Leonard! you are to come too. Now, I know I have you on my side."
"Oh! as long as you want, just as long as you leave eventually. And, Master Leonard! you need to come too. Now, I know I have you with me."
Ruth thought of the place. Her only reluctance arose from the remembrance of that one interview on the sands. That walk she could never go again; but how much remained! How much that would be a charming balm and refreshment to her!
Ruth thought about the place. The only thing holding her back was the memory of that interview on the beach. She could never take that walk again; but there was so much left! So much that would be a delightful comfort and refreshment to her!
"What happy evenings we shall have together! Do you know, I think Mary and Elizabeth may perhaps come."
"What great evenings we’ll have together! You know, I think Mary and Elizabeth might come too."
A bright gleam of sunshine came into the room. "Look! how bright and propitious for our plans. Dear Ruth, it seems like an omen for the future!"
A bright ray of sunshine filled the room. "Look! How bright and favorable for our plans. Dear Ruth, it feels like a sign for the future!"
Almost while she spoke, Miss Benson entered, bringing with her Mr Grey, the rector of Eccleston. He was an elderly man, short and stoutly-built, with something very formal in his manner; but any one might feel sure of his steady benevolence who noticed the expression of his face, and especially of the kindly black eyes that gleamed beneath his grey and shaggy eyebrows. Ruth had seen him at the hospital once or twice, and Mrs Farquhar had met him pretty frequently in general society.
Almost as she was speaking, Miss Benson walked in with Mr. Grey, the rector of Eccleston. He was an older man, short and stout, with a rather formal demeanor; however, anyone could feel confident in his genuine kindness just by looking at his face, especially the warm black eyes that shone beneath his grey, shaggy eyebrows. Ruth had seen him at the hospital a couple of times, and Mrs. Farquhar had encountered him quite often in social settings.
"Go and tell your uncle," said Miss Benson to Leonard.
"Go tell your uncle," said Miss Benson to Leonard.
"Stop, my boy! I have just met Mr Benson in the street, and my errand now is to your mother. I should like you to remain and hear what it is; and I am sure that my business will give these ladies"—bowing to Miss Benson and Jemima—"so much pleasure, that I need not apologise for entering upon it in their presence."
"Hold on, kid! I just ran into Mr. Benson on the street, and now I'm heading to see your mom. I’d like you to stay and hear what it’s about; and I’m sure that my news will bring so much joy to these ladies"—bowing to Miss Benson and Jemima—"that I don’t need to apologize for discussing it in front of them."
He pulled out his double eye-glass, saying, with a grave smile:
He took out his binoculars, saying with a serious smile:
"You ran away from us yesterday so quietly and cunningly, Mrs Denbigh, that you were, perhaps, not aware that the Board was sitting at that very time, and trying to form a vote sufficiently expressive of our gratitude to you. As Chairman, they requested me to present you with this letter, which I shall have the pleasure of reading."
"You slipped away from us so quietly and cleverly yesterday, Mrs. Denbigh, that you might not have realized the Board was meeting at that moment, trying to come up with a vote that truly expresses our appreciation for you. As Chairman, they asked me to present you with this letter, which I'll be happy to read."
With all due emphasis he read aloud a formal letter from the Secretary to the Infirmary, conveying a vote of thanks to Ruth.
With great emphasis, he read aloud a formal letter from the Secretary of the Infirmary, expressing gratitude to Ruth.
The good rector did not spare her one word, from date to signature; and then, folding the letter up, he gave it to Leonard, saying:
The good rector didn't hold back on anything she needed to know, from the date to the signature; and then, after folding the letter, he handed it to Leonard, saying:
"There, sir! when you are an old man, you may read that testimony to your mother's noble conduct with pride and pleasure. For, indeed," continued he, turning to Jemima, "no words can express the relief it was to us. I speak of the gentlemen composing the Board of the Infirmary. When Mrs Denbigh came forward, the panic was at its height, and the alarm of course aggravated the disorder. The poor creatures died rapidly; there was hardly time to remove the dead bodies before others were brought in to occupy the beds, so little help was to be procured on account of the universal terror; and the morning when Mrs Denbigh offered us her services, we seemed at the very worst. I shall never forget the sensation of relief in my mind when she told us what she proposed to do; but we thought it right to warn her to the full extent—
"There, sir! When you’re an old man, you can read that testimony of your mother's admirable actions with pride and joy. For, truly," he continued, turning to Jemima, "no words can describe the relief it brought us. I’m talking about the gentlemen on the Board of the Infirmary. When Mrs. Denbigh stepped forward, the panic had reached its peak, and of course, the fear only made the situation worse. The poor souls were dying quickly; there was barely time to remove the deceased before more came in to take their place, as help was so scarce due to the widespread terror. On the morning when Mrs. Denbigh offered us her assistance, we seemed to be at our lowest point. I'll never forget the wave of relief I felt when she explained her plan; however, we thought it was important to fully warn her—
"Nay, madam," said he, catching a glimpse of Ruth's changing colour, "I will spare you any more praises. I will only say, if I can be a friend to you, or a friend to your child, you may command my poor powers to the utmost."
"Nah, ma'am," he said, noticing Ruth's shifting color, "I won't give you any more compliments. I'll just say that if I can be a friend to you or your child, you can ask anything of me."
He got up, and bowing formally, he took his leave. Jemima came and kissed Ruth. Leonard went upstairs to put the precious letter away. Miss Benson sat crying heartily in a corner of the room. Ruth went to her and threw her arms round her neck, and said:
He stood up, bowed politely, and said goodbye. Jemima came over and kissed Ruth. Leonard went upstairs to store the important letter safely. Miss Benson sat in a corner of the room, crying hard. Ruth went to her, wrapped her arms around her neck, and said:
"I could not tell him just then. I durst not speak for fear of breaking down; but if I have done right, it was all owing to you and Mr Benson. Oh! I wish I had said how the thought first came into my head from seeing the things Mr Benson has done so quietly ever since the fever first came amongst us. I could not speak; and it seemed as if I was taking those praises to myself, when all the time I was feeling how little I deserved them—how it was all owing to you."
"I couldn’t tell him at that moment. I was too afraid to speak for fear of breaking down; but if I did anything right, it was all because of you and Mr. Benson. Oh! I wish I had explained how the idea first came to me from seeing the things Mr. Benson has done so quietly ever since the fever arrived. I couldn’t speak; it felt like I was taking credit for those praises when all I could think about was how little I deserved them—how it was all because of you."
"Under God, Ruth," said Miss Benson, speaking through her tears.
"Under God, Ruth," Miss Benson said, her voice choked with tears.
"Oh! I think there is nothing humbles one so much as undue praise. While he was reading that letter, I could not help feeling how many things I have done wrong! Could he know of—of what I have been?" asked she, dropping her voice very low.
"Oh! I think nothing makes you feel as humble as excessive praise. While he was reading that letter, I couldn't help but think about all the things I've done wrong! Could he know about—about who I've been?" she asked, lowering her voice to a whisper.
"Yes!" said Jemima, "he knew—everybody in Eccleston did know—but the remembrance of those days is swept away. Miss Benson," she continued, for she was anxious to turn the subject, "you must be on my side, and persuade Ruth to come to Abermouth for a few weeks. I want her and Leonard both to come."
"Yes!" Jemima said, "he knew—everyone in Eccleston knew—but the memories of those days are gone. Miss Benson," she added, eager to change the topic, "you have to support me and convince Ruth to come to Abermouth for a few weeks. I want her and Leonard to come."
"I'm afraid my brother will think that Leonard is missing his lessons sadly. Just of late we could not wonder that the poor child's heart was so full; but he must make haste, and get on all the more for his idleness." Miss Benson piqued herself on being a disciplinarian.
"I'm afraid my brother will think that Leonard is sadly skipping his lessons. Lately, we couldn't help but notice how full the poor child's heart was; but he needs to hurry up and work harder for his laziness." Miss Benson took pride in being a strict disciplinarian.
"Oh, as for lessons, Walter is so very anxious that you should give way to his superior wisdom, Ruth, and let Leonard go to school. He will send him to any school you fix upon, according to the mode of life you plan for him."
"Oh, regarding lessons, Walter is really eager for you to defer to his greater wisdom, Ruth, and let Leonard attend school. He will send him to any school you decide on, based on the lifestyle you envision for him."
"I have no plan," said Ruth. "I have no means of planning. All I can do is to try and make him ready for anything."
"I don't have a plan," Ruth said. "I can't plan anything. All I can do is try to prepare him for whatever might happen."
"Well," said Jemima, "we must talk it over at Abermouth; for I am sure you won't refuse to come, dearest, dear Ruth! Think of the quiet, sunny days, and the still evenings, that we shall have together, with little Rosa to tumble about among the fallen leaves; and there's Leonard to have his first sight of the sea."
"Well," said Jemima, "we need to discuss it at Abermouth; I know you won't say no to coming, my dear Ruth! Just imagine the peaceful, sunny days and the calm evenings we'll share, with little Rosa playing in the fallen leaves; and Leonard will get to see the sea for the first time."
"I do think of it," said Ruth, smiling at the happy picture Jemima drew. And both smiling at the hopeful prospect before them, they parted—never to meet again in life.
"I do think about it," said Ruth, smiling at the cheerful picture Jemima created. And both smiling at the optimistic future ahead of them, they parted—never to see each other again in life.
No sooner had Mrs Farquhar gone than Sally burst in.
No sooner had Mrs. Farquhar left than Sally burst in.
"Oh! dear, dear!" said she, looking around her. "If I had but known that the rector was coming to call, I'd ha' put on the best covers, and the Sunday tablecloth! You're well enough," continued she, surveying Ruth from head to foot; "you're always trim and dainty in your gowns, though I reckon they cost but tuppence a yard, and you've a face to set 'em off; but as for you" (as she turned to Miss Benson), "I think you might ha' had something better on than that old stuff, if it had only been to do credit to a parishioner like me, whom he has known ever sin' my father was his clerk."
"Oh dear, oh dear!" she said, looking around her. "If I had known the rector was coming to visit, I would have put on the best covers and the Sunday tablecloth! You look fine," she continued, checking Ruth out from head to toe; "you always look neat and nice in your dresses, even if they probably only cost a couple of cents a yard, and you have a face that really suits them. But as for you," (turning to Miss Benson), "I think you could have worn something better than that old fabric, if only to make a good impression on a parishioner like me, who he has known since my father was his clerk."
"You forget, Sally, I have been making jelly all the morning. How could I tell it was Mr Grey when there was a knock at the door?" Miss Benson replied.
"You forget, Sally, I've been making jelly all morning. How could I know it was Mr. Grey when someone knocked at the door?" Miss Benson replied.
"You might ha' letten me do the jelly; I'se warrant I could ha' pleased Ruth as well as you. If I had but known he was coming, I'd ha' slipped round the corner and bought ye a neck-ribbon, or summut to lighten ye up. I'se loath he should think I'm living with Dissenters, that don't know how to keep themselves trig and smart."
"You could have let me make the jelly; I bet I could have pleased Ruth just as well as you. If I'd known he was coming, I would have slipped around the corner and bought you a nice neck ribbon or something to cheer you up. I really don’t want him to think I’m living with people who don’t know how to keep themselves neat and tidy."
"Never mind, Sally; he never thought of me. What he came for, was to see Ruth; and, as you say, she's always neat and dainty."
"Never mind, Sally; he never thought about me. What he came for was to see Ruth, and as you said, she's always neat and tidy."
"Well! I reckon it cannot be helped now; but if I buy ye a ribbon, will you promise to wear it when church-folks come? for I cannot abide the way they have of scoffing at the Dissenters about their dress."
"Well! I guess there's no changing it now; but if I buy you a ribbon, will you promise to wear it when the church folks come? Because I can't stand how they mock the Dissenters about their clothes."
"Very well! we'll make that bargain," said Miss Benson; "and now, Ruth, I'll go and fetch you a cup of warm jelly."
"Alright! We have a deal," said Miss Benson; "and now, Ruth, I'll go get you a cup of warm jelly."
"Oh! indeed, Aunt Faith," said Ruth, "I am very sorry to balk you; but if you're going to treat me as an invalid, I am afraid I shall rebel."
"Oh! really, Aunt Faith," said Ruth, "I'm really sorry to upset you; but if you're going to treat me like I'm sick, I'm afraid I'm going to resist."
But when she found that Aunt Faith's heart was set upon it, she submitted very graciously, only dimpling up a little, as she found that she must consent to lie on the sofa, and be fed, when, in truth, she felt full of health, with a luxurious sensation of languor stealing over her now and then, just enough to make it very pleasant to think of the salt breezes, and the sea beauty which awaited her at Abermouth.
But when she realized that Aunt Faith was determined to make it happen, she agreed very kindly, only pouting a little as she saw that she had to lie on the sofa and be fed, even though she actually felt full of energy, with a wonderful sense of laziness creeping in now and then, just enough to make it really nice to think about the salty breezes and the beautiful sea waiting for her at Abermouth.
Mr Davis called in the afternoon, and his visit was also to Ruth. Mr and Miss Benson were sitting with her in the parlour, and watching her with contented love, as she employed herself in household sewing, and hopefully spoke about the Abermouth plan.
Mr. Davis stopped by in the afternoon, and his visit was also for Ruth. Mr. and Miss Benson were sitting with her in the living room, watching her with affectionate pride as she did some sewing and excitedly talked about the Abermouth plan.
"Well! so you had our worthy rector here to-day; I am come on something of the same kind of errand; only I shall spare you the reading of my letter, which, I'll answer for it, he did not. Please to take notice," said he, putting down a sealed letter, "that I have delivered you a vote of thanks from my medical brothers; and open and read it at your leisure; only not just now, for I want to have a little talk with you on my own behoof. I want to ask you a favour, Mrs Denbigh."
"Well! So you had our respected rector here today; I’m here on a similar mission. I won't make you read my letter, which I'm sure he did. Please note," he said, placing a sealed letter on the table, "that I've brought you a vote of thanks from my fellow doctors. Open and read it at your convenience, just not right now because I want to have a little chat with you for my own sake. I’d like to ask you a favor, Mrs. Denbigh."
"A favour!" exclaimed Ruth; "what can I do for you? I think I may say I will do it, without hearing what it is."
"A favor!" Ruth exclaimed. "What can I do for you? I can confidently say I'll do it without even knowing what it is."
"Then you're a very imprudent woman," replied he; "however, I'll take you at your word. I want you to give me your boy."
"Then you're a very reckless woman," he replied; "but I'll take you at your word. I want you to give me your son."
"Leonard!"
"Leo!"
"Aye! there it is, you see, Mr Benson. One minute she is as ready as can be, and the next, she looks at me as if I was an ogre!"
"Aye! There it is, you see, Mr. Benson. One minute she’s all set, and the next, she looks at me like I’m a monster!"
"Perhaps we don't understand what you mean," said Mr Benson.
"Maybe we don't get what you're saying," Mr. Benson said.
"The thing is this. You know I've no children; and I can't say I've ever fretted over it much; but my wife has; and whether it is that she has infected me, or that I grieve over my good practice going to a stranger, when I ought to have had a son to take it after me, I don't know; but, of late, I've got to look with covetous eyes on all healthy boys, and at last I've settled down my wishes on this Leonard of yours, Mrs Denbigh."
"The thing is this. You know I don't have any kids, and I can't say I've worried about it much; but my wife has; and I don't know if it's because she has influenced me, or if I feel sad about my good work going to a stranger when I should have had a son to inherit it, but lately I've started to look longingly at all healthy boys, and I've finally set my sights on your Leonard, Mrs. Denbigh."
Ruth could not speak; for, even yet, she did not understand what he meant. He went on:
Ruth couldn't speak because she still didn't get what he meant. He continued:
"Now, how old is the lad?" He asked Ruth, but Miss Benson replied:
"Now, how old is the kid?" he asked Ruth, but Miss Benson replied:
"He'll be twelve next February."
"He'll turn twelve next February."
"Umph! only twelve! He's tall and old-looking for his age. You look young enough, it is true." He said this last sentence as if to himself, but seeing Ruth crimson up, he abruptly changed his tone.
"Umph! only twelve! He looks tall and older than his age. It's true that you look young." He said the last part almost to himself, but when he saw Ruth blush, he quickly switched his tone.
"Twelve, is he! Well, I take him from now. I don't mean that I really take him away from you," said he, softening all at once, and becoming grave and considerate. "His being your son—the son of one whom I have seen—as I have seen you, Mrs Denbigh (out and out the best nurse I ever met with, Miss Benson; and good nurses are things we doctors know how to value)—his being your son is his great recommendation to me; not but what the lad himself is a noble boy. I shall be glad to leave him with you as long and as much as we can; he could not be tied to your apron-strings all his life, you know. Only I provide for his education, subject to your consent and good pleasure, and he is bound apprentice to me. I, his guardian, bind him to myself, the first surgeon in Eccleston, be the other who he may; and in process of time he becomes partner, and some day or other succeeds me. Now, Mrs Denbigh, what have you got to say against this plan? My wife is just as full of it as me. Come! begin with your objections. You're not a woman if you have not a whole bag-full of them ready to turn out against any reasonable proposal."
"Twelve, is he! Well, I'm taking him from now on. I don't mean that I'm actually taking him away from you," he said, softening all of a sudden and becoming serious and thoughtful. "The fact that he’s your son—the son of someone I know, just as I know you, Mrs. Denbigh (the best nurse I've ever encountered, Miss Benson; and good nurses are something we doctors truly appreciate)—his being your son is a major point in his favor for me; not that the boy himself isn’t great. I'd be happy to leave him with you as long as we can; he can’t be attached to your apron strings forever, you know. However, I'm handling his education with your agreement and approval, and he’ll be apprenticed to me. I, as his guardian, am binding him to myself, the top surgeon in Eccleston, no matter who else he might be; and eventually, he’ll become a partner and one day take over from me. Now, Mrs. Denbigh, what do you have to say against this plan? My wife is just as excited about it as I am. Come on! Start with your objections. You're not a woman if you don't have a whole bag full of them ready to throw at any reasonable suggestion."
"I don't know," faltered Ruth. "It is so sudden—"
"I don’t know," Ruth hesitated. "It’s all so sudden—"
"It is very, very kind of you, Mr Davis," said Miss Benson, a little scandalised at Ruth's non-expression of gratitude.
"It’s really very kind of you, Mr. Davis," said Miss Benson, somewhat shocked by Ruth's lack of gratitude.
"Pooh! pooh! I'll answer for it, in the long run, I am taking good care of my own interests. Come, Mrs Denbigh, is it a bargain?"
"Pooh! pooh! I assure you, in the end, I'm looking out for my own interests. Come on, Mrs. Denbigh, is it a deal?"
Now Mr Benson spoke.
Now Mr. Benson spoke.
"Mr Davis, it is rather sudden, as she says. As far as I can see, it is the best as well as the kindest proposal that could have been made; but I think we must give her a little time to think about it."
"Mr. Davis, it’s quite sudden, as she mentioned. From what I can tell, it's the best and kindest offer that could have been made; however, I think we should give her some time to consider it."
"Well, twenty-four hours! Will that do?"
"Well, twenty-four hours! Is that enough?"
Ruth lifted up her head. "Mr Davis, I am not ungrateful because I can't thank you" (she was crying while she spoke); "let me have a fortnight to consider about it. In a fortnight I will make up my mind. Oh, how good you all are!"
Ruth lifted her head. "Mr. Davis, I'm not ungrateful just because I can't thank you" (she was crying as she spoke); "give me two weeks to think about it. In two weeks, I'll have made my decision. Oh, how kind you all are!"
"Very well. Then this day fortnight—Thursday the 28th—you will let me know your decision. Mind! if it's against me, I shan't consider it a decision, for I'm determined to carry my point. I'm not going to make Mrs Denbigh blush, Mr Benson, by telling you, in her presence, of all I have observed about her this last three weeks, that has made me sure of the good qualities I shall find in this boy of hers. I was watching her when she little thought it. Do you remember that night when Hector O'Brien was so furiously delirious, Mrs Denbigh?"
"Alright then. In two weeks on Thursday the 28th, let me know what you decide. Just so you know, if your decision is against me, I won't take it as a decision because I'm determined to get my way. I’m not going to make Mrs. Denbigh blush, Mr. Benson, by mentioning in front of her everything I've noticed about her over the last three weeks that makes me confident in the good qualities I believe her son has. I’ve been observing her when she had no idea. Do you remember that night when Hector O'Brien was so wildly delirious, Mrs. Denbigh?"
Ruth went very white at the remembrance.
Ruth went pale at the memory.
"Why now, look there! how pale she is at the very thought of it. And yet, I assure you, she was the one to go up and take the piece of glass from him which he had broken out of the window for the sole purpose of cutting his throat, or the throat of any one else, for that matter. I wish we had some others as brave as she is."
"Look there! She's so pale just thinking about it. Yet, I promise you, she was the one who went up and took the piece of glass from him that he had broken out of the window just to cut his throat, or anyone else's for that matter. I wish we had more people as brave as she is."
"I thought the great panic was passed away!" said Mr Benson.
"I thought the big panic was over!" said Mr. Benson.
"Aye! the general feeling of alarm is much weaker; but, here and there, there are as great fools as ever. Why, when I leave here, I am going to see our precious member, Mr Donne—"
"Aye! The overall feeling of alarm is much weaker; but, here and there, there are still some great fools as ever. Why, when I leave here, I'm going to see our precious member, Mr Donne—
"Mr Donne?" said Ruth.
"Mr. Donne?" Ruth said.
"Mr Donne, who lies ill at the Queen's—came last week, with the intention of canvassing, but was too much alarmed by what he heard of the fever to set to work; and, in spite of all his precautions, he has taken it; and you should see the terror they are in at the hotel; landlord, landlady, waiters, servants—all; there's not a creature will go near him, if they can help it; and there's only his groom—a lad he saved from drowning, I'm told—to do anything for him. I must get him a proper nurse, somehow or somewhere, for all my being a Cranworth man. Ah, Mr Benson! you don't know the temptations we medical men have. Think, if I allowed your member to die now, as he might very well, if he had no nurse—how famously Mr Cranworth would walk over the course!—Where's Mrs Denbigh gone to? I hope I've not frightened her away by reminding her of Hector O'Brien, and that awful night, when I do assure you she behaved like a heroine!"
"Mr. Donne, who is sick at the Queen's, came last week intending to campaign, but he got too worried by what he heard about the fever to start; despite all his precautions, he has caught it. You should see how scared everyone is at the hotel—landlord, landlady, waiters, and staff; no one wants to go near him if they can avoid it. The only one taking care of him is his groom, a young man he saved from drowning, as I've heard. I need to find him a proper nurse, somehow, even though I'm a Cranworth supporter. Ah, Mr. Benson! You can’t imagine the temptations we doctors face. Think about it—if I let your member die now, which he very well might without a nurse, how easily Mr. Cranworth would win! Where has Mrs. Denbigh gone? I hope I haven't scared her off by bringing up Hector O'Brien and that terrible night when I assure you she acted like a true heroine!"
As Mr Benson was showing Mr Davis out, Ruth opened the study-door, and said, in a very calm, low voice:
As Mr. Benson was escorting Mr. Davis out, Ruth opened the study door and said, in a very calm, low voice:
"Mr Benson! will you allow me to speak to Mr Davis alone?"
"Mr. Benson! Can I talk to Mr. Davis alone?"
Mr Benson immediately consented, thinking that, in all probability, she wished to ask some further questions about Leonard; but as Mr Davis came into the room, and shut the door, he was struck by her pale, stern face of determination, and awaited her speaking first.
Mr. Benson quickly agreed, thinking she probably wanted to ask more questions about Leonard. However, when Mr. Davis entered the room and closed the door, he noticed her pale, serious face full of determination and waited for her to speak first.
"Mr Davis! I must go and nurse Mr Bellingham," said she at last, clenching her hands tight together, but no other part of her body moving from its intense stillness.
"Mr. Davis! I have to go take care of Mr. Bellingham," she finally said, clenching her hands tightly together, but not moving any other part of her body from its intense stillness.
"Mr Bellingham?" asked he, astonished at the name.
"Mr. Bellingham?" he asked, surprised by the name.
"Mr Donne, I mean," said she, hurriedly. "His name was Bellingham."
"Mr. Donne, I mean," she said quickly. "His name was Bellingham."
"Oh! I remember hearing he had changed his name for some property. But you must not think of any more such work just now. You are not fit for it. You are looking as white as ashes."
"Oh! I remember hearing he changed his name for some property. But you really shouldn’t think about any more of that work right now. You’re not up for it. You look as pale as a ghost."
"I must go," she repeated.
"I have to go," she repeated.
"Nonsense! Here's a man who can pay for the care of the first hospital nurses in London—and I doubt if his life is worth the risk of one of theirs even, much more of yours."
"Nonsense! Here’s a guy who can afford to pay for the best hospital nurses in London—and I seriously doubt if his life is worth putting at risk for even one of theirs, let alone yours."
"We have no right to weigh human lives against each other."
"We have no right to compare human lives to one another."
"No! I know we have not. But it's a way we doctors are apt to get into; and, at any rate, it's ridiculous of you to think of such a thing. Just listen to reason."
"No! I know we haven't. But it's a path we doctors tend to take; and, anyway, it's silly of you to even consider that. Just hear me out."
"I can't! I can't!" cried she, with sharp pain in her voice. "You must let me go, dear Mr Davis!" said she, now speaking with soft entreaty.
"I can't! I can't!" she cried, her voice full of sharp pain. "You have to let me go, dear Mr. Davis!" she said, now speaking with gentle pleading.
"No!" said he, shaking his head authoritatively. "I'll do no such thing."
"No!" he said, shaking his head firmly. "I won't do that."
"Listen," said she, dropping her voice, and going all over the deepest scarlet; "he is Leonard's father! Now! you will let me go!"
"Listen," she said, lowering her voice and turning bright red. "He is Leonard's father! Now, please let me go!"
Mr Davis was indeed staggered by what she said, and for a moment he did not speak. So she went on:
Mr. Davis was truly taken aback by what she said, and for a moment, he didn't respond. So, she continued:
"You will not tell! You must not tell! No one knows, not even Mr Benson, who it was. And now—it might do him so much harm to have it known. You will not tell!"
"You won't tell! You can't tell! No one knows, not even Mr. Benson, who it was. And now—it could really hurt him if it gets out. You won't tell!"
"No! I will not tell," replied he. "But, Mrs Denbigh, you must answer me this one question, which I ask you in all true respect, but which I must ask, in order to guide both myself and you aright—of course I knew Leonard was illegitimate—in fact, I will give you secret for secret: it was being so myself that first made me sympathise with him, and desire to adopt him. I knew that much of your history; but tell me, do you now care for this man? Answer me truly—do you love him?"
"No! I won’t say," he replied. "But, Mrs. Denbigh, you have to answer me this one question, which I ask with all due respect, but which I need to know to guide both of us properly—of course I knew Leonard wasn't legitimate—in fact, I’ll share a secret for a secret: it was because I was in the same situation that I first started to sympathize with him and wanted to take him in. I knew some of your story; but tell me, do you still care for this man? Be honest with me—do you love him?"
For a moment or two she did not speak; her head was bent down; then she raised it up, and looked with clear and honest eyes into his face.
For a moment or two, she stayed quiet; her head was down. Then she lifted it up and looked into his face with clear and honest eyes.
"I have been thinking—but I do not know—I cannot tell—I don't think I should love him, if he were well and happy—but you said he was ill—and alone—how can I help caring for him?—how can I help caring for him?" repeated she, covering her face with her hands, and the quick hot tears stealing through her fingers. "He is Leonard's father," continued she, looking up at Mr Davis suddenly. "He need not know—he shall not—that I have ever been near him. If he is like the others, he must be delirious—I will leave him before he comes to himself—but now let me go—I must go."
"I've been thinking—but I don’t know—I can’t say—I don’t think I would love him if he were well and happy—but you said he’s sick—and alone—how can I not care about him?—how can I not care about him?" she repeated, covering her face with her hands, and the quick, hot tears slipping through her fingers. "He is Leonard’s father," she continued, suddenly looking up at Mr. Davis. "He doesn’t need to know—he won’t— that I’ve ever been close to him. If he’s like the others, he must be out of his mind—I’ll leave before he comes to his senses—but now let me go—I have to go."
"I wish my tongue had been bitten out before I had named him to you. He would do well enough without you; and, I dare say, if he recognises you, he will only be annoyed."
"I wish I had bitten my tongue off before I mentioned him to you. He would manage just fine without you; and, I bet if he remembers you, he will just be irritated."
"It is very likely," said Ruth, heavily.
"It’s very likely," Ruth said with emphasis.
"Annoyed,—why! he may curse you for your unasked-for care of him. I have heard my poor mother—and she was as pretty and delicate a creature as you are—cursed for showing tenderness when it was not wanted. Now, be persuaded by an old man like me, who has seen enough of life to make his heart ache—leave this fine gentleman to his fate. I'll promise you to get him as good a nurse as can be had for money."
"Annoyed—why! He might curse you for caring about him when you weren’t asked. I've heard my poor mother—and she was just as beautiful and delicate as you—cursed for showing kindness when it wasn't wanted. Now, take advice from an old man like me, who has seen enough of life to know how it feels to hurt—leave this fine gentleman to his fate. I promise you I can find him the best nurse that money can buy."
"No!" said Ruth, with dull persistency—as if she had not attended to his dissuasions; "I must go. I will leave him before he recognises me."
"No!" Ruth said stubbornly, as if she hadn’t listened to his attempts to dissuade her. "I have to go. I’ll leave before he realizes who I am."
"Why, then," said the old surgeon, "if you're so bent upon it, I suppose I must let you. It is but what my mother would have done—poor, heart-broken thing! However, come along, and let us make the best of it. It saves me a deal of trouble, I know; for, if I have you for a right hand, I need not worry myself continually with wondering how he is taken care of. Go! get your bonnet, you tender-hearted fool of a woman! Let us get you out of the house without any more scenes or explanations; I'll make all straight with the Bensons."
"Well, then," said the old surgeon, "if you’re so determined, I guess I have to let you. It’s what my mother would have wanted—poor, heartbroken thing! Anyway, let’s go and make the best of it. I know it saves me a lot of hassle because, if you’re by my side, I won’t have to worry about how he’s being looked after. Go! Grab your bonnet, you soft-hearted woman! Let’s get you out of the house without any more drama or explanations; I’ll sort everything out with the Bensons."
"You will not tell my secret, Mr Davis," she said, abruptly.
"You won't tell my secret, Mr. Davis," she said, bluntly.
"No! not I! Does the woman think I had never to keep a secret of the kind before? I only hope he'll lose his election, and never come near the place again. After all," continued he, sighing, "I suppose it is but human nature!" He began recalling the circumstances of his own early life, and dreamily picturing scenes in the grey dying embers of the fire; and he was almost startled when she stood before him, ready equipped, grave, pale, and quiet.
"No! Not me! Does she really think I’ve never had to keep a secret like this before? I just hope he loses his election and never comes back here again. After all," he continued, sighing, "I guess it’s just human nature!" He started remembering things from his own early life and absentmindedly imagining scenes in the dim glow of the dying fire; he was almost taken aback when she appeared in front of him, fully prepared, serious, pale, and calm.
"Come along!" said he. "If you're to do any good at all, it must be in these next three days. After that, I'll ensure his life for this bout; and mind! I shall send you home then; for he might know you, and I'll have no excitement to throw him back again, and no sobbing and crying from you. But now every moment your care is precious to him. I shall tell my own story to the Bensons, as soon as I have installed you."
"Come on!" he said. "If you’re going to be any help, it has to be in these next three days. After that, I’ll make sure he’s covered for this match; and just so you know, I’ll send you home then because he might recognize you, and I don’t want any drama or tears from you. But right now, every moment your attention matters to him. I’ll share my own story with the Bensons as soon as I’ve settled you in."
Mr Donne lay in the best room of the Queen's Hotel—no one with him but his faithful, ignorant servant, who was as much afraid of the fever as any one else could be, but who, nevertheless, would not leave his master—his master who had saved his life as a child, and afterwards put him in the stables at Bellingham Hall, where he learnt all that he knew. He stood in a farther corner of the room, watching his delirious master with affrighted eyes, not daring to come near him, nor yet willing to leave him.
Mr. Donne was lying in the best room of the Queen's Hotel—alone except for his loyal but naive servant, who was as scared of the fever as anyone else, but still refused to leave his master—the man who had saved his life as a child and later had him working in the stables at Bellingham Hall, where he learned everything he knew. He stood in a corner of the room, nervously watching his delirious master, too frightened to get close but not wanting to leave him.
"Oh! if that doctor would but come! He'll kill himself or me—and them stupid servants won't stir a step over the threshold; how shall I get over the night? Blessings on him—here's the old doctor back again! I hear him creaking and scolding up the stairs!"
"Oh! If that doctor would just hurry up! He’s going to drive himself or me crazy—and those lazy servants won’t take a step out the door; how am I going to get through the night? Thank goodness—here’s the old doctor back again! I can hear him creaking and grumbling up the stairs!"
The door opened, and Mr Davis entered, followed by Ruth.
The door swung open, and Mr. Davis walked in, with Ruth behind him.
"Here's the nurse, my good man—such a nurse as there is not in the three counties. Now, all you'll have to do is to mind what she says."
"Here's the nurse, my good man—there isn't a nurse like her in the whole three counties. Now, all you need to do is listen to what she says."
"Oh, sir! he's mortal bad! won't you stay with us through the night, sir?"
"Oh, sir! he's really bad! won't you stay with us for the night, sir?"
"Look there!" whispered Mr Davis to the man, "see how she knows how to manage him! Why, I could not do it better myself!"
"Look over there!" Mr. Davis whispered to the man, "see how she knows how to handle him! Honestly, I couldn't do it better myself!"
She had gone up to the wild, raging figure, and with soft authority had made him lie down: and then, placing a basin of cold water by the bedside, she had dipped in it her pretty hands, and was laying their cool dampness on his hot brow, speaking in a low soothing voice all the time, in a way that acted like a charm in hushing his mad talk.
She approached the wild, raging man, and with gentle authority made him lie down. Then, placing a basin of cold water next to the bed, she dipped her pretty hands in it and laid their cool dampness on his hot forehead, speaking in a low, soothing voice the whole time, which helped calm his frantic talk.
"But I will stay," said the doctor, after he had examined his patient; "as much on her account as his! and partly to quieten the fears of this poor, faithful fellow."
"But I will stay," said the doctor after examining his patient, "as much for her sake as his! And partly to ease the worries of this poor, loyal guy."
CHAPTER XXXV
Out of Darkness into Light
The third night after this was to be the crisis—the turning-point between Life and Death. Mr Davis came again to pass it by the bedside of the sufferer. Ruth was there, constant and still, intent upon watching the symptoms, and acting according to them, in obedience to Mr Davis's directions. She had never left the room. Every sense had been strained in watching—every power of thought or judgment had been kept on the full stretch. Now that Mr Davis came and took her place, and that the room was quiet for the night, she became oppressed with heaviness, which yet did not tend to sleep. She could not remember the present time, or where she was. All times of her earliest youth—the days of her childhood—were in her memory with a minuteness and fulness of detail which was miserable; for all along she felt that she had no real grasp on the scenes that were passing through her mind—that, somehow, they were long gone by, and gone by for ever—and yet she could not remember who she was now, nor where she was, and whether she had now any interests in life to take the place of those which she was conscious had passed away, although their remembrance filled her mind with painful acuteness. Her head lay on her arms, and they rested on the table. Every now and then she opened her eyes, and saw the large room, handsomely furnished with articles that were each one incongruous with the other, as if bought at sales. She saw the flickering night-light—she heard the ticking of the watch, and the two breathings, each going on at a separate rate—one hurried, abruptly stopping, and then panting violently, as if to make up for lost time; and the other slow, steady, and regular, as if the breather was asleep; but this supposition was contradicted by an occasional repressed sound of yawning. The sky through the uncurtained window looked dark and black—would this night never have an end? Had the sun gone down for ever, and would the world at last awaken to a general sense of everlasting night?
The third night after this was supposed to be the turning point— the moment between Life and Death. Mr. Davis came again to sit by the bedside of the patient. Ruth was there, steady and focused, intent on observing the symptoms and responding to them, following Mr. Davis's instructions. She hadn't left the room. Every sense had been on high alert—every bit of thought or judgment had been stretched to its limits. Now that Mr. Davis had arrived to take her place and the room was quiet for the night, she felt overwhelmed with heaviness that didn’t lead to sleep. She couldn't remember what time it was or where she was. Memories from her earliest youth—her childhood days—filled her mind with painful clarity; yet she felt she had no real connection to the scenes playing out in her mind—that somehow, they were far behind and lost forever. Still, she couldn’t remember who she was now, where she was, or if she even had any current interests to replace those she was aware had gone away, even though their memories haunted her. Her head rested on her arms, which were on the table. Every so often, she opened her eyes and took in the large room, furnished with pieces that seemed mismatched, as if gathered from various sales. She noticed the flickering night-light—she heard the ticking of the watch and the two different breaths, each at a separate pace—one quick, stopping abruptly, then gasping as if to catch up, while the other was slow, steady, and regular, suggesting the breather was asleep; but that notion was contradicted by the occasional muffled yawn. The sky outside the bare window looked dark and gloomy—would this night ever end? Had the sun set for good, leaving the world to finally wake up to an eternal night?
Then she felt as if she ought to get up, and go and see how the troubled sleeper in yonder bed was struggling through his illness; but she could not remember who the sleeper was, and she shrunk from seeing some phantom-face on the pillow, such as now began to haunt the dark corners of the room, and look at her, jibbering and mowing as they looked. So she covered her face again, and sank into a whirling stupor of sense and feeling. By-and-by she heard her fellow-watcher stirring, and a dull wonder stole over her as to what he was doing; but the heavy languor pressed her down, and kept her still. At last she heard the words, "Come here," and listlessly obeyed the command. She had to steady herself in the rocking chamber before she could walk to the bed by which Mr Davis stood; but the effort to do so roused her, and, although conscious of an oppressive headache, she viewed with sudden and clear vision all the circumstances of her present position. Mr Davis was near the head of the bed, holding the night-lamp high, and shading it with his hand, that it might not disturb the sick person, who lay with his face towards them, in feeble exhaustion, but with every sign that the violence of the fever had left him. It so happened that the rays of the lamp fell bright and full upon Ruth's countenance, as she stood with her crimson lips parted with the hurrying breath, and the fever-flush brilliant on her cheeks. Her eyes were wide open, and their pupils distended. She looked on the invalid in silence, and hardly understood why Mr Davis had summoned her there.
Then she felt like she should get up and go check on the troubled sleeper in that bed, but she couldn’t remember who it was, and she hesitated to see some ghostly face on the pillow, like the ones that were now haunting the dark corners of the room, staring at her, mumbling and grimacing as they did. So she covered her face again and fell into a swirling stupor of sensation and emotion. Eventually, she heard her companion stirring, and a dull curiosity washed over her about what he was doing; but the heavy weariness kept her down and still. Finally, she heard the words, "Come here," and lazily complied. She had to steady herself in the rocking chair before she could walk to the bed where Mr. Davis was standing; but the effort to do that woke her up, and even though she felt a pounding headache, she suddenly had a clear view of her situation. Mr. Davis was near the head of the bed, holding the night lamp high and shading it with his hand so it wouldn’t disturb the sick person, who was lying with his face toward them, weak and exhausted, but showing every sign that the fever’s intensity had eased. Coincidentally, the light from the lamp shone brightly on Ruth’s face as she stood there with her crimson lips parted in quick breaths and the feverish flush glowing on her cheeks. Her eyes were wide open, and their pupils were dilated. She looked at the invalid in silence, hardly understanding why Mr. Davis had called her over.
"Don't you see the change? He is better!—the crisis is past!"
"Don't you see the difference? He’s improved!—the crisis is over!"
But she did not speak; her looks were riveted on his softly-unclosing eyes, which met hers as they opened languidly. She could not stir or speak. She was held fast by that gaze of his, in which a faint recognition dawned, and grew to strength.
But she didn't say anything; her eyes were fixed on his slowly opening eyes, which met hers as they opened lazily. She couldn't move or say a word. She was completely captivated by his gaze, where a hint of recognition appeared and became stronger.
He murmured some words. They strained their sense to hear. He repeated them even lower than before; but this time they caught what he was saying.
He whispered some words. They strained to hear. He repeated them even more quietly than before; but this time they understood what he was saying.
"Where are the water-lilies? Where are the lilies in her hair?"
"Where are the water lilies? Where are the lilies in her hair?"
Mr Davis drew Ruth away.
Mr. Davis pulled Ruth aside.
"He is still rambling," said he, "but the fever has left him."
"He’s still rambling," he said, "but the fever’s gone."
The grey dawn was now filling the room with its cold light; was it that made Ruth's cheek so deadly pale? Could that call out the wild entreaty of her look, as if imploring help against some cruel foe that held her fast, and was wrestling with her Spirit of Life? She held Mr Davis's arm. If she had let it go, she would have fallen.
The gray dawn was now filling the room with its cold light; was that what made Ruth's cheek so deadly pale? Could that evoke the desperate plea in her eyes, as if she were begging for help against some cruel enemy that had her trapped and was battling with her will to live? She held onto Mr. Davis's arm. If she had let go, she would have collapsed.
"Take me home," she said, and fainted dead away.
"Take me home," she said, and collapsed.
Mr Davis carried her out of the chamber, and sent the groom to keep watch by his master. He ordered a fly to convey her to Mr Benson's, and lifted her in when it came, for she was still half unconscious. It was he who carried her upstairs to her room, where Miss Benson and Sally undressed and laid her in her bed.
Mr. Davis carried her out of the room and sent the groom to keep an eye on his master. He called for a cab to take her to Mr. Benson's and lifted her in when it arrived, as she was still partly unconscious. It was he who brought her upstairs to her room, where Miss Benson and Sally took off her clothes and laid her in bed.
He awaited their proceedings in Mr Benson's study. When Mr Benson came in, Mr Davis said:
He waited for them in Mr. Benson's study. When Mr. Benson walked in, Mr. Davis said:
"Don't blame me. Don't add to my self-reproach. I have killed her. I was a cruel fool to let her go. Don't speak to me."
"Don't blame me. Don't make me feel worse about myself. I killed her. I was a heartless idiot to let her go. Just don't talk to me."
"It may not be so bad," said Mr Benson, himself needing comfort in that shock. "She may recover. She surely will recover. I believe she will."
"It might not be as bad as it seems," Mr. Benson said, needing some reassurance himself after the shock. "She could get better. She definitely will get better. I believe she will."
"No, no! she won't. But by —— she shall, if I can save her." Mr Davis looked defiantly at Mr Benson, as if he were Fate. "I tell you she shall recover, or else I am a murderer. What business had I to take her to nurse him—"
"No, no! She won't. But dammit, she will, if I can help it." Mr. Davis glared defiantly at Mr. Benson, as if he were Fate. "I'm telling you, she will get better, or else I’m a murderer. What was I thinking taking her to care for him—"
He was cut short by Sally's entrance and announcement that Ruth was now prepared to see him.
He was interrupted by Sally walking in and saying that Ruth was now ready to see him.
From that time forward Mr Davis devoted all his leisure, his skill, his energy, to save her. He called on the rival surgeon to beg him to undertake the management of Mr Donne's recovery, saying, with his usual self-mockery, "I could not answer it to Mr Cranworth if I had brought his opponent round, you know, when I had had such a fine opportunity in my power. Now, with your patients, and general Radical interest, it will be rather a feather in your cap; for he may want a good deal of care yet, though he is getting on famously—so rapidly, in fact, that it's a strong temptation to me to throw him back—a relapse, you know."
From that point on, Mr. Davis dedicated all his free time, expertise, and energy to saving her. He approached the competing surgeon to ask him to take over Mr. Donne's recovery, saying, with his typical self-deprecating humor, "I couldn't face Mr. Cranworth if I had the chance to bring his rival around and didn't take it. Now, with your patients and the general Radical interest, it’ll be quite an accomplishment for you; he might still need a lot of care, even though he's improving quickly—so quickly, in fact, that it really tempts me to let him slip back—a relapse, you know."
The other surgeon bowed gravely, apparently taking Mr Davis in earnest, but certainly very glad of the job thus opportunely thrown in his way. In spite of Mr Davis's real and deep anxiety about Ruth, he could not help chuckling over his rival's literal interpretation of all he had said.
The other surgeon nodded seriously, clearly taking Mr. Davis seriously, but definitely feeling grateful for the job that had conveniently landed in his lap. Despite Mr. Davis's genuine and deep worry about Ruth, he couldn't help but chuckle at how literally his rival interpreted everything he had said.
"To be sure, what fools men are! I don't know why one should watch and strive to keep them in the world. I have given this fellow something to talk about confidentially to all his patients; I wonder how much stronger a dose the man would have swallowed! I must begin to take care of my practice for that lad yonder. Well-a-day! well-a-day! What was this sick fine gentleman sent here for, that she should run a chance of her life for him? or why was he sent into the world at all, for that matter?"
"Honestly, what fools people are! I don't understand why we should watch over them and try to keep them in the world. I've given this guy something to gossip about with all his patients; I wonder how much stronger of a dose he could have handled! I really need to start looking out for my practice because of that guy over there. Good grief! What was this sick, pampered gentleman sent here for, putting her life at risk for him? Or why was he even sent into the world at all?"
Indeed, however much Mr Davis might labour with all his professional skill—however much they might all watch—and pray—and weep—it was but too evident that Ruth "home must go, and take her wages." Poor, poor Ruth!
Indeed, no matter how hard Mr. Davis worked with all his expertise—no matter how much they all watched—and prayed—and cried—it was clear that Ruth "had to go home and get her pay." Poor, poor Ruth!
It might be that, utterly exhausted by watching and nursing, first in the hospital, and then by the bedside of her former lover, the power of her constitution was worn out; or, it might be, her gentle, pliant sweetness, but she displayed no outrage or discord even in her delirium. There she lay in the attic-room in which her baby had been born, her watch over him kept, her confession to him made; and now she was stretched on the bed in utter helplessness, softly gazing at vacancy with her open, unconscious eyes, from which all the depth of their meaning had fled, and all they told was of a sweet, child-like insanity within. The watchers could not touch her with their sympathy, or come near her in her dim world;—so, mutely, but looking at each other from time to time with tearful eyes, they took a poor comfort from the one evident fact that, though lost and gone astray, she was happy and at peace. They had never heard her sing; indeed, the simple art which her mother had taught her, had died, with her early joyousness, at that dear mother's death. But now she sang continually, very soft and low. She went from one childish ditty to another without let or pause, keeping a strange sort of time with her pretty fingers, as they closed and unclosed themselves upon the counterpane. She never looked at any one with the slightest glimpse of memory or intelligence in her face; no, not even at Leonard.
It could be that after being completely worn out from watching and caring for her former lover, first in the hospital and then at her bedside, her strength had just been depleted. Or maybe it was her gentle, adaptable sweetness, but even in her delirium, she showed no signs of anger or conflict. There she lay in the attic room where her baby had been born, keeping watch over him and confessing to him; now she was sprawled on the bed in total helplessness, softly staring into space with her open, unseeing eyes, which had lost all depth of meaning, revealing only a sweet, child-like madness within. The watchers couldn't connect with her through their sympathy or approach her in her dim world; so, silently, but exchanging teary glances from time to time, they found some comfort in the one clear truth that, though she was lost and absent, she was happy and at peace. They had never heard her sing; in fact, the simple songs her mother had taught her had faded, along with her early joy, when her beloved mother had passed away. But now she sang constantly, very soft and low. She transitioned from one childish tune to another without interruption, maintaining a peculiar rhythm with her pretty fingers as they opened and closed against the bedspread. She never looked at anyone with the slightest hint of memory or understanding in her expression; not even at Leonard.
Her strength faded day by day; but she knew it not. Her sweet lips were parted to sing, even after the breath and the power to do so had left her, and her fingers fell idly on the bed. Two days she lingered thus—all but gone from them, and yet still there.
Her strength faded day by day, but she didn't realize it. Her soft lips were ready to sing, even after the breath and the ability to do so had left her, and her fingers rested loosely on the bed. She hung on like this for two days—all but gone from them, yet still present.
They stood around her bedside, not speaking, or sighing, or moaning; they were too much awed by the exquisite peacefulness of her look for that. Suddenly she opened wide her eyes, and gazed intently forwards, as if she saw some happy vision, which called out a lovely, rapturous, breathless smile. They held their very breaths.
They gathered around her bedside, silent, neither sighing nor moaning; they were too struck by the beautiful tranquility of her face. Suddenly, she opened her eyes wide and stared ahead as if she was seeing some joyful vision that brought forth a lovely, ecstatic, breathless smile. They all held their breaths.
"I see the Light coming," said she. "The Light is coming," she said. And, raising herself slowly, she stretched out her arms, and then fell back, very still for evermore.
"I see the light coming," she said. "The light is coming," she repeated. And, slowly lifting herself up, she stretched out her arms, and then fell back, very still forever.
They did not speak. Mr Davis was the first to utter a word.
They didn't say anything. Mr. Davis was the first to speak.
"It is over!" said he. "She is dead!"
"It’s over!" he said. "She’s dead!"
Out rang through the room the cry of Leonard:
Out rang through the room the cry of Leonard:
"Mother! mother! mother! You have not left me alone! You will not leave me alone! You are not dead! Mother! Mother!"
"Mom! Mom! Mom! You haven't left me alone! You won't leave me alone! You're not dead! Mom! Mom!"
They had pent in his agony of apprehension till then, that no wail of her child might disturb her ineffable calm. But now there was a cry heard through the house, of one refusing to be comforted: "Mother! Mother!"
They had held back his intense anxiety until that moment, so that no cry from her child would disrupt her profound peace. But now, a voice echoed through the house, one that wouldn’t be soothed: "Mom! Mom!"
But Ruth lay dead.
But Ruth was dead.
CHAPTER XXXVI
The End
A stupor of grief succeeded to Leonard's passionate cries. He became so much depressed, physically as well as mentally, before the end of the day, that Mr Davis was seriously alarmed for the consequences. He hailed with gladness a proposal made by the Farquhars, that the boy should be removed to their house, and placed under the fond care of his mother's friend, who sent her own child to Abermouth the better to devote herself to Leonard.
A deep sorrow followed Leonard's intense cries. He became so depressed, both physically and mentally, by the end of the day that Mr. Davis was genuinely worried about the outcome. He welcomed the suggestion from the Farquhars that the boy should be taken to their house and cared for by his mother's friend, who sent her own child to Abermouth to better focus on Leonard.
When they told him of this arrangement, he at first refused to go and leave her; but when Mr Benson said:
When they told him about this arrangement, he initially refused to go and leave her; but when Mr. Benson said:
"She would have wished it, Leonard! Do it for her sake!" he went away very quietly; not speaking a word, after Mr Benson had made the voluntary promise that he should see her once again. He neither spoke nor cried for many hours; and all Jemima's delicate wiles were called forth, before his heavy heart could find the relief of tears. And then he was so weak, and his pulse so low, that all who loved him feared for his life.
"She would have wanted that, Leonard! Do it for her!" He walked away very quietly, not saying a word, after Mr. Benson had made the promise that he would see her again. He didn’t speak or cry for many hours, and it took all of Jemima's gentle tricks before his heavy heart could let out any tears. And then he felt so weak, and his pulse was so low, that everyone who cared for him was worried for his life.
Anxiety about him made a sad distraction from the sorrow for the dead. The three old people, who now formed the household in the Chapel-house, went about slowly and dreamily, each with a dull wonder at their hearts why they, the infirm and worn-out, were left, while she was taken in her lovely prime.
Anxiety about him created a sorrowful distraction from the grief for the dead. The three elderly people, who now made up the household in the Chapel-house, moved slowly and dreamily, each feeling a dull confusion in their hearts about why they, the frail and exhausted, were left behind while she was taken in her beautiful prime.
The third day after Ruth's death, a gentleman came to the door and asked to speak to Mr Benson. He was very much wrapped up in furs and cloaks, and the upper, exposed part of his face was sunk and hollow, like that of one but partially recovered from illness. Mr and Miss Benson were at Mr Farquhar's, gone to see Leonard, and poor old Sally had been having a hearty cry over the kitchen fire before answering the door-knock. Her heart was tenderly inclined just then towards any one who had the aspect of suffering; so, although her master was out, and she was usually chary of admitting strangers, she proposed to Mr Donne (for it was he) that he should come in and await Mr Benson's return in the study. He was glad enough to avail himself of her offer; for he was feeble and nervous, and come on a piece of business which he exceedingly disliked, and about which he felt very awkward. The fire was nearly, if not quite, out; nor did Sally's vigorous blows do much good, although she left the room with an assurance that it would soon burn up. He leant against the chimney-piece, thinking over events, and with a sensation of discomfort, both external and internal, growing and gathering upon him. He almost wondered whether the proposal he meant to make with regard to Leonard could not be better arranged by letter than by an interview. He became very shivery, and impatient of the state of indecision to which his bodily weakness had reduced him.
The third day after Ruth's death, a man came to the door and asked to speak to Mr. Benson. He was bundled up in furs and cloaks, and the upper part of his face, which was visible, looked sunken and hollow, like someone who had partially recovered from being sick. Mr. and Miss Benson were at Mr. Farquhar's, visiting Leonard, and poor old Sally had been having a good cry by the kitchen fire before answering the door. Her heart was especially tender toward anyone who looked like they were suffering; so, even though her boss was out and she usually hesitated to let strangers in, she invited Mr. Donne (that was him) to come in and wait for Mr. Benson in the study. He was more than happy to accept her offer because he was weak and nervous, and he was there for a piece of business that he really didn’t want to deal with, which made him feel quite awkward. The fire was almost, if not completely, out, and Sally’s energetic attempts to revive it didn’t seem to help much, although she left the room promising that it would soon be roaring again. He leaned against the mantel, reflecting on recent events while feeling increasingly uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally. He almost wondered if the proposal he intended to make regarding Leonard would be better communicated by letter rather than in person. He started to feel very cold and grew impatient with the uncertainty that his physical weakness had put him in.
Sally opened the door and came in. "Would you like to walk upstairs, sir?" asked she, in a trembling voice, for she had learnt who the visitor was from the driver of the fly, who had run up to the house to inquire what was detaining the gentleman that he had brought from the Queen's Hotel; and, knowing that Ruth had caught the fatal fever from her attendance on Mr Donne, Sally imagined that it was but a piece of sad civility to invite him upstairs to see the poor dead body, which she had laid out and decked for the grave, with such fond care that she had grown strangely proud of its marble beauty.
Sally opened the door and walked in. "Would you like to go upstairs, sir?" she asked in a shaky voice, as she had learned who the visitor was from the cab driver, who had rushed to the house to find out what was keeping the gentleman he had brought from the Queen's Hotel. Knowing that Ruth had contracted the deadly fever from looking after Mr. Donne, Sally thought it was just a sad kindness to invite him upstairs to see the poor dead body, which she had prepared and arranged for the grave with such tender care that she had become oddly proud of its marble-like beauty.
Mr Donne was glad enough of any proposal of a change from the cold and comfortless room where he had thought uneasy, remorseful thoughts. He fancied that a change of place would banish the train of reflection that was troubling him; but the change he anticipated was to a well-warmed, cheerful sitting-room, with signs of life, and a bright fire therein; and he was on the last flight of stairs,—at the door of the room where Ruth lay—before he understood whither Sally was conducting him. He shrank back for an instant, and then a strange sting of curiosity impelled him on. He stood in the humble low-roofed attic, the window open, and the tops of the distant snow-covered hills filling up the whiteness of the general aspect. He muffled himself up in his cloak, and shuddered, while Sally reverently drew down the sheet, and showed the beautiful, calm, still face, on which the last rapturous smile still lingered, giving an ineffable look of bright serenity. Her arms were crossed over her breast; the wimple-like cap marked the perfect oval of her face, while two braids of the waving auburn hair peeped out of the narrow border, and lay on the delicate cheeks.
Mr. Donne was relieved by any suggestion of getting away from the cold, uncomfortable room where he had been having uneasy, guilt-ridden thoughts. He believed that a change of scenery would help him shake off the troubling reflections, but the change he expected was to a warm, cheerful living room, full of life, and with a bright fire. It wasn’t until he was at the top of the stairs—at the door of the room where Ruth lay—that he realized where Sally was taking him. He hesitated for a moment, but a strange curiosity pushed him forward. He stood in the small, low-roofed attic, with the window open, the distant snow-covered hills adding to the overall whiteness. He wrapped himself tightly in his cloak and shivered, while Sally gently pulled back the sheet, revealing the beautiful, peaceful face, where the last joyful smile still lingered, giving an indescribable look of serene brightness. Her arms were crossed over her chest; the wimple-like cap highlighted the perfect oval of her face, while two braids of wavy auburn hair peeked out from the narrow border and lay on her delicate cheeks.
He was awed into admiration by the wonderful beauty of that dead woman.
He was filled with admiration by the incredible beauty of that dead woman.
"How beautiful she is!" said he, beneath his breath. "Do all dead people look so peaceful—so happy?"
"How beautiful she is!" he said softly. "Do all dead people look so peaceful—so happy?"
"Not all," replied Sally, crying. "Few has been as good and as gentle as she was in their lives." She quite shook with her sobbing.
"Not all," replied Sally, crying. "Few have been as good and gentle as she was in their lives." She shook with her sobbing.
Mr Donne was disturbed by her distress.
Mr. Donne was unsettled by her distress.
"Come, my good woman! we must all die—" he did not know what to say, and was becoming infected by her sorrow. "I am sure you loved her very much, and were very kind to her in her lifetime; you must take this from me to buy yourself some remembrance of her." He had pulled out a sovereign, and really had a kindly desire to console her, and reward her, in offering it to her.
"Come on, my good lady! We all have to face death—" he was at a loss for words and started to feel her sadness. "I know you cared for her deeply and were very kind to her while she was alive; please take this from me to get something to remember her by." He took out a gold coin and genuinely wanted to comfort her and show his appreciation by giving it to her.
But she took her apron from her eyes, as soon as she became aware of what he was doing, and, still holding it midway in her hands, she looked at him indignantly, before she burst out:
But she pulled her apron from her eyes as soon as she realized what he was doing, and, still holding it halfway in her hands, she looked at him in anger before she exploded:
"And who are you, that think to pay for my kindness to her by money? And I was not kind to you, my darling," said she, passionately addressing the motionless, serene body—"I was not kind to you. I frabbed you, and plagued you from the first, my lamb! I came and cut off your pretty locks in this very room—I did—and you said never an angry word to me;—no! not then, nor many a time after, when I was very sharp and cross to you.—No! I never was kind to you, and I dunnot think the world was kind to you, my darling,—but you are gone where the angels are very tender to such as you—you are, my poor wench!" She bent down and kissed the lips, from whose marble, unyielding touch Mr Donne recoiled, even in thought.
"And who do you think you are, trying to buy my kindness to her with money? And I wasn't kind to you, my darling," she said, passionately speaking to the still, peaceful body—"I wasn't kind to you. I nagged you and bothered you from the very beginning, my dear! I came and chopped off your beautiful hair in this very room—I did—and you never uttered a single angry word to me; no! Not then, nor many times after, when I was really sharp and harsh with you. No! I was never kind to you, and I don’t think the world was kind to you, my darling—but you’ve gone to a place where the angels are very gentle with people like you—you have, my poor girl!" She leaned down and kissed the lips, from which Mr. Donne recoiled even in thought, feeling their cold, unyielding touch.
Just then, Mr Benson entered the room. He had returned home before his sister, and come upstairs in search of Sally, to whom he wanted to speak on some subject relating to the funeral. He bowed in recognition of Mr Donne, whom he knew as the member for the town, and whose presence impressed him painfully, as his illness had been the proximate cause of Ruth's death. But he tried to check this feeling, as it was no fault of Mr Donne's. Sally stole out of the room, to cry at leisure in her kitchen.
Just then, Mr. Benson walked into the room. He had gotten home before his sister and came upstairs looking for Sally, wanting to discuss something related to the funeral. He nodded in acknowledgment of Mr. Donne, whom he recognized as the representative for the town, and whose presence made him uncomfortable since his illness had directly contributed to Ruth's death. Still, he tried to push that feeling aside, knowing it wasn't Mr. Donne's fault. Sally quietly slipped out of the room to cry freely in her kitchen.
"I must apologise for being here," said Mr Donne. "I was hardly conscious where your servant was leading me to, when she expressed her wish that I should walk upstairs."
"I’m really sorry for being here," said Mr. Donne. "I barely noticed where your servant was taking me when she asked me to go upstairs."
"It is a very common idea in this town, that it is a gratification to be asked to take a last look at the dead," replied Mr Benson.
"It’s a pretty common belief in this town that it’s a privilege to be asked to take a last look at the deceased," Mr. Benson replied.
"And in this case I am glad to have seen her once more," said Mr Donne. "Poor Ruth!"
"And in this case, I'm glad I got to see her again," said Mr. Donne. "Poor Ruth!"
Mr Benson glanced up at him at the last word. How did he know her name? To him she had only been Mrs Denbigh. But Mr Donne had no idea that he was talking to one unaware of the connexion that had formerly existed between them; and, though he would have preferred carrying on the conversation in a warmer room, yet, as Mr Benson was still gazing at her with sad, lingering love, he went on:
Mr. Benson looked up at him at the last word. How did he know her name? To him, she had only been Mrs. Denbigh. But Mr. Donne had no clue that he was speaking to someone unaware of the connection that had once existed between them; and although he would have preferred to continue the conversation in a warmer room, since Mr. Benson was still looking at her with a sad, lingering love, he carried on:
"I did not recognise her when she came to nurse me; I believe I was delirious. My servant, who had known her long ago, in Fordham, told me who she was. I cannot tell how I regret that she should have died in consequence of her love of me."
"I didn't recognize her when she came to take care of me; I think I was delirious. My servant, who had known her a long time ago in Fordham, told me who she was. I can't express how much I regret that she died because of her love for me."
Mr Benson looked up at him again, a stern light filling his eyes as he did so. He waited impatiently to hear more, either to quench or confirm his suspicions. If she had not been lying there, very still and calm, he would have forced the words out of Mr Donne, by some abrupt question. As it was, he listened silently, his heart quick-beating.
Mr. Benson looked up at him again, a serious expression in his eyes as he did so. He waited impatiently to hear more, either to satisfy or confirm his suspicions. If she hadn't been lying there, very still and calm, he would have pressed Mr. Donne for answers with some blunt question. As it was, he listened silently, his heart racing.
"I know that money is but a poor compensation,—is no remedy for this event, or for my youthful folly."
"I know that money is just a poor excuse — it doesn't fix this situation or my youthful mistakes."
Mr Benson set his teeth hard together, to keep in words little short of a curse.
Mr. Benson clenched his teeth tightly to hold back words that were barely short of a curse.
"Indeed, I offered her money to almost any amount before;—do me justice, sir," catching the gleam of indignation on Mr Benson's face; "I offered to marry her, and provide for the boy as if he had been legitimate. It's of no use recurring to that time," said he, his voice faltering; "what is done cannot be undone. But I came now to say, that I should be glad to leave the boy still under your charge, and that every expense you think it right to incur in his education I will defray;—and place a sum of money in trust for him—say, two thousand pounds—or more: fix what you will. Of course, if you decline retaining him, I must find some one else; but the provision for him shall be the same, for my poor Ruth's sake."
"Honestly, I offered her money in almost any amount before;—please believe me, sir," noticing the look of anger on Mr. Benson's face; "I offered to marry her and take care of the boy as if he were legitimate. There's no point in going back to that time," he said, his voice shaking; "what’s done is done. But I came to say that I would be happy to leave the boy in your care, and I will cover any costs you think are necessary for his education;—and set aside a sum of money in trust for him—let's say, two thousand pounds—or more: you decide. Of course, if you decide not to keep him, I’ll have to find someone else; but the support for him will remain the same, for my poor Ruth’s sake."
Mr Benson did not speak. He could not, till he had gathered some peace from looking at the ineffable repose of the Dead.
Mr. Benson didn’t say anything. He couldn’t, until he found some calm from observing the indescribable stillness of the Dead.
Then, before he answered, he covered up her face; and in his voice there was the stillness of ice.
Then, before he responded, he covered her face; and in his voice, there was a cold stillness.
"Leonard is not unprovided for. Those that honoured his mother will take care of him. He shall never touch a penny of your money. Every offer of service you have made, I reject in his name,—and in her presence," said he, bending towards the Dead. "Men may call such actions as yours, youthful follies! There is another name for them with God. Sir! I will follow you downstairs."
"Leonard is taken care of. Those who respected his mother will look after him. He will never see a cent of your money. Every offer of help you've made, I decline on his behalf—and before her," he said, leaning toward the Dead. "People might call your actions youthful mistakes! But there's a different name for them with God. Sir! I’ll follow you downstairs."
All the way down, Mr Benson heard Mr Donne's voice urging and entreating, but the words he could not recognise for the thoughts that filled his brain—the rapid putting together of events that was going on there. And when Mr Donne turned at the door, to speak again, and repeat his offers of service to Leonard, Mr Benson made answer, without well knowing whether the answer fitted the question or not:
All the way down, Mr. Benson heard Mr. Donne's voice urging and pleading, but he couldn't make out the words over the thoughts swirling in his mind—the quick assembly of events happening there. And when Mr. Donne turned at the door to speak again and repeat his offers of help to Leonard, Mr. Benson responded, not really sure if his answer matched the question or not:
"I thank God, you have no right, legal or otherwise, over the child. And for her sake, I will spare him the shame of ever hearing your name as his father."
"I thank God, you have no legal right or any other right over the child. And for her sake, I will protect him from the embarrassment of ever knowing your name as his father."
He shut the door in Mr Donne's face.
He closed the door in Mr. Donne's face.
"An ill-bred, puritanical old fellow! He may have the boy, I am sure, for aught I care. I have done my duty, and will get out of this abominable place as soon as I can. I wish my last remembrance of my beautiful Ruth was not mixed up with all these people."
"An uncouth, moralistic old man! He can have the boy; I honestly don't care. I've fulfilled my responsibilities and will leave this terrible place as soon as possible. I wish my final memory of my beautiful Ruth wasn't tainted by all these people."
Mr Benson was bitterly oppressed with this interview; it disturbed the peace with which he was beginning to contemplate events. His anger ruffled him, although such anger had been just, and such indignation well deserved; and both had been unconsciously present in his heart for years against the unknown seducer, whom he met face to face by the death-bed of Ruth.
Mr. Benson felt deeply troubled by this meeting; it disrupted the calm he was starting to find in reflecting on recent events. His anger unsettled him, even though it was justified, and his indignation was warranted; both emotions had unknowingly lingered in his heart for years against the unknown seducer, whom he confronted at Ruth's deathbed.
It gave him a shock which he did not recover from for many days. He was nervously afraid lest Mr Donne should appear at the funeral; and not all the reasons he alleged to himself against this apprehension, put it utterly away from him. Before then, however, he heard casually (for he would allow himself no inquiries) that he had left the town. No! Ruth's funeral passed over in calm and simple solemnity. Her child, her own household, her friend, and Mr Farquhar, quietly walked after the bier, which was borne by some of the poor to whom she had been very kind in her lifetime. And many others stood aloof in the little burying-ground, sadly watching that last ceremony.
It shocked him in a way that he couldn't shake off for many days. He was nervously worried that Mr. Donne might show up at the funeral; and despite all the reasons he came up with to dismiss that fear, it lingered. However, before that, he casually heard (since he wouldn't allow himself to ask questions) that Mr. Donne had left town. No! Ruth's funeral took place quietly and with simple solemnity. Her child, her household, her friend, and Mr. Farquhar walked quietly behind the coffin, which was carried by some of the less fortunate people she had been kind to during her life. Many others stood back in the small cemetery, sadly watching that final ceremony.
They slowly dispersed; Mr Benson leading Leonard by the hand, and secretly wondering at his self-restraint. Almost as soon as they had let themselves into the Chapel-house, a messenger brought a note from Mrs Bradshaw, with a pot of quince marmalade, which, she said to Miss Benson, she thought that Leonard might fancy, and if he did, they were to be sure and let her know, as she had plenty more; or, was there anything else that he would like? She would gladly make him whatever he fancied.
They gradually spread out; Mr. Benson holding Leonard's hand, while secretly impressed by his self-control. Almost as soon as they got into the Chapel house, a messenger delivered a note from Mrs. Bradshaw along with a jar of quince marmalade. She told Miss Benson that she thought Leonard might like it, and if he did, they should definitely let her know because she had plenty more. Or was there anything else he wanted? She would happily make him whatever he liked.
Poor Leonard! he lay stretched on the sofa, white and tearless, beyond the power of any such comfort, however kindly offered; but this was only one of the many homely, simple attentions, which all came round him to offer, from Mr Grey, the rector, down to the nameless poor who called at the back door to inquire how it fared with her child.
Poor Leonard! He lay sprawled on the sofa, pale and tearless, beyond the reach of any comfort, no matter how kindly it was offered; but this was just one of the many simple, heartfelt gestures that surrounded him, from Mr. Grey, the rector, down to the nameless neighbors who came to the back door to ask about her child.
Mr Benson was anxious, according to Dissenting custom, to preach an appropriate funeral sermon. It was the last office he could render to her; it should be done well and carefully. Moreover, it was possible that the circumstances of her life, which were known to all, might be made effective in this manner to work conviction of many truths. Accordingly, he made great preparation of thought and paper; he laboured hard, destroying sheet after sheet—his eyes filling with tears between-whiles, as he remembered some fresh proof of the humility and sweetness of her life. Oh, that he could do her justice! but words seemed hard and inflexible, and refused to fit themselves to his ideas. He sat late on Saturday, writing; he watched through the night till Sunday morning was far advanced. He had never taken such pains with any sermon, and he was only half satisfied with it after all.
Mr. Benson was nervous, following the Dissenting tradition, about delivering a fitting funeral sermon. It was the last thing he could do for her, and it needed to be done well and with care. Additionally, it was possible that the details of her life, known to everyone, could be used to convey important truths. So, he prepared extensively, both mentally and on paper; he worked hard, discarding page after page—his eyes welling up with tears as he recalled yet another instance of her humility and kindness. Oh, how he wished he could do her justice! But the words felt rigid and unyielding, refusing to match his thoughts. He stayed up late on Saturday, writing, and watched the night pass until Sunday morning was well underway. He had never put so much effort into a sermon, yet he was only partly satisfied with it in the end.
Mrs Farquhar had comforted the bitterness of Sally's grief by giving her very handsome mourning. At any rate, she felt oddly proud and exulting when she thought of her new black gown; but when she remembered why she wore it, she scolded herself pretty sharply for her satisfaction, and took to crying afresh with redoubled vigour. She spent the Sunday morning in alternately smoothing down her skirts and adjusting her broad hemmed collar, or bemoaning the occasion with tearful earnestness. But the sorrow overcame the little quaint vanity of her heart, as she saw troop after troop of humbly-dressed mourners pass by into the old chapel. They were very poor—but each had mounted some rusty piece of crape, or some faded black ribbon. The old came halting and slow—the mothers carried their quiet, awe-struck babes.
Mrs. Farquhar had eased Sally's grief by giving her a beautiful mourning outfit. At one point, she felt oddly proud and elated when she thought about her new black dress; but when she remembered the reason she wore it, she scolded herself sharply for feeling satisfied and started crying again with even more intensity. She spent Sunday morning smoothing her skirts and adjusting her wide-collared neckline, alternating with moments of tearful lament over the occasion. However, her sorrow overwhelmed her little quirky vanity as she watched group after group of humbly-dressed mourners enter the old chapel. They were very poor, but each had some tattered scrap of crape or faded black ribbon. The older ones came slowly and shakily, and the mothers carried their quiet, awe-struck babies.
And not only these were there—but others—equally unaccustomed to nonconformist worship: Mr Davis, for instance, to whom Sally acted as chaperone; for he sat in the minister's pew, as a stranger; and, as she afterwards said, she had a fellow-feeling with him, being a Church-woman herself, and Dissenters had such awkward ways; however, she had been there before, so she could set him to rights about their fashions.
And not only were these people present—but others as well—who were just as unfamiliar with nonconformist worship: Mr. Davis, for example, whom Sally was chaperoning; he sat in the minister's pew as a newcomer; and, as she later mentioned, she empathized with him since she was a Church woman herself, and Dissenters had such strange customs; however, she had been there before, so she could guide him about their practices.
From the pulpit, Mr Benson saw one and all—the well-filled Bradshaw pew—all in deep mourning, Mr Bradshaw conspicuously so (he would have attended the funeral gladly if they would have asked him)—the Farquhars—the many strangers—the still more numerous poor—one or two wild-looking outcasts, who stood afar off, but wept silently and continually. Mr Benson's heart grew very full.
From the pulpit, Mr. Benson saw everyone—the packed Bradshaw pew—all in deep mourning, Mr. Bradshaw notably so (he would have happily attended the funeral if they had invited him)—the Farquhars—the many strangers—the even larger number of poor people—one or two wild-looking outsiders, who stood far away, but cried silently and constantly. Mr. Benson's heart swelled with emotion.
His voice trembled as he read and prayed. But he steadied it as he opened his sermon—his great, last effort in her honour—the labour that he had prayed God to bless to the hearts of many. For an instant the old man looked on all the upturned faces, listening, with wet eyes, to hear what he could say to interpret that which was in their hearts, dumb and unshaped, of God's doings as shown in her life. He looked, and, as he gazed, a mist came before him, and he could not see his sermon, nor his hearers, but only Ruth, as she had been—stricken low, and crouching from sight, in the upland field by Llan-dhu—like a woeful, hunted creature. And now her life was over! her struggle ended! Sermon and all was forgotten. He sat down, and hid his face in his hands for a minute or so. Then he arose, pale and serene. He put the sermon away, and opened the Bible, and read the seventh chapter of Revelations, beginning at the ninth verse.
His voice shook as he read and prayed. But he steadied it as he started his sermon—his great, final effort in her honor—the work he had asked God to bless for the hearts of many. For a moment, the old man looked at all the faces turned up to him, listening with tearful eyes, eager to hear what he would say to express what was in their hearts, silent and unformed, about God’s actions as reflected in her life. He looked, and as he gazed, a mist blurred his vision, and he could no longer see his sermon or his audience, only Ruth, as she had been—broken and hidden away in the upland field by Llan-dhu—like a sad, hunted animal. And now her life was over! Her struggle had ended! The sermon and everything else faded from his mind. He sat down, hiding his face in his hands for a minute or so. Then he stood up, pale and calm. He set the sermon aside, opened the Bible, and read the seventh chapter of Revelation, starting at the ninth verse.
Before it was finished, most of his hearers were in tears. It came
home to them as more appropriate than any sermon could have been.
Even Sally, though full of anxiety as to what her fellow-Churchman
would think of such proceedings, let the sobs come freely as she
heard the words:
Before it was done, most of his listeners were in tears. It resonated with them more than any sermon could have. Even Sally, though worried about what her fellow churchgoers would think of this, let her sobs flow freely as she listened to the words:
And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.
He told me, "These are the ones who have come out of great suffering and have washed their robes, making them white in the blood of the Lamb."
Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple; and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them.
They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat.
For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters, and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.
"He preaches sermons sometimes," said Sally, nudging Mr Davis, as they rose from their knees at last. "I make no doubt there was as grand a sermon in yon paper-book as ever we hear in church. I've heard him pray uncommon fine—quite beyond any but learned folk."
"He sometimes gives sermons," said Sally, nudging Mr. Davis as they finally got up from their knees. "I’m sure there was a great sermon in that book as good as anything we hear in church. I've heard him pray really well—far beyond what ordinary people do."
Mr Bradshaw had been anxious to do something to testify his respect for the woman, who, if all had entertained his opinions, would have been driven into hopeless sin. Accordingly, he ordered the first stonemason of the town to meet him in the chapel-yard on Monday morning, to take measurement and receive directions for a tombstone. They threaded their way among the grassy heaps to where Ruth was buried, in the south corner, beneath the great Wych-elm. When they got there, Leonard raised himself up from the new-stirred turf. His face was swollen with weeping; but when he saw Mr Bradshaw he calmed himself, and checked his sobs, and, as an explanation of being where he was when thus surprised, he could find nothing to say but the simple words:
Mr. Bradshaw had been eager to do something to show his respect for the woman who, if everyone shared his views, would have been pushed into complete despair. So, he arranged for the best stonemason in town to meet him in the chapel yard on Monday morning to take measurements and get instructions for a tombstone. They made their way through the grassy mounds to where Ruth was buried, in the southeast corner, beneath the large Wych-elm. When they arrived, Leonard rose from the freshly turned earth. His face was puffy from crying, but when he saw Mr. Bradshaw, he composed himself and stopped sobbing. As an explanation for being there when he was caught off guard, he could only manage to say the simple words:
"My mother is dead, sir."
"My mom is dead, sir."
His eyes sought those of Mr Bradshaw with a wild look of agony, as if to find comfort for that great loss in human sympathy; and at the first word—the first touch of Mr Bradshaw's hand on his shoulder—he burst out afresh.
His eyes searched for Mr. Bradshaw's with a frantic look of pain, as if seeking solace for that enormous loss in human connection; and at the first word—the first time Mr. Bradshaw's hand touched his shoulder—he broke down again.
"Come, come! my boy!—Mr Francis, I will see you about this to-morrow—I will call at your house.—Let me take you home, my poor fellow. Come, my lad, come!"
"Come on, my boy!—Mr. Francis, I'll talk to you about this tomorrow—I’ll stop by your house. Let me take you home, my poor friend. Come on, buddy, come!"
The first time, for years, that he had entered Mr Benson's house, he came leading and comforting her son—and, for a moment, he could not speak to his old friend, for the sympathy which choked up his voice, and filled his eyes with tears.
The first time in years that he had stepped into Mr. Benson's house, he was there to support and comfort her son—and for a moment, he couldn’t speak to his old friend because the emotion overwhelmed him, filling his eyes with tears.
Download ePUB
If you like this ebook, consider a donation!