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The Odd Women
By
By
George Gissing
George Gissing
CONTENTS
I THE FOLD AND THE SHEPHERD
II ADRIFT
III AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN
IV MONICA’S MAJORITY
V THE CASUAL ACQUAINTANCE
VI A CAMP OF THE RESERVE
VII A SOCIAL ADVANCE
VIII COUSIN EVERARD
IX THE SIMPLE FAITH
X FIRST PRINCIPLES
XI AT NATURE’S BIDDING
XII WEDDINGS
XIII DISCORD OF LEADERS
XIV MOTIVES MEETING
XV THE JOYS OF HOME
XVI HEALTH FROM THE SEA
XVII THE TRIUMPH
XVIII A REINFORCEMENT
XIX THE CLANK OF THE CHAINS
XX THE FIRST LIE
XXI TOWARDS THE DECISIVE
XXII HONOUR IN DIFFICULTIES
XXIII IN AMBUSH
XXIV TRACKED
XXV THE FATE OF THE IDEAL
XXVI THE UNIDEAL TESTED
XXVII THE REASCENT
XXVIII THE BURDEN OF FUTILE SOULS
XXIX CONFESSION AND COUNSEL
XXX RETREAT WITH HONOUR
XXXI A NEW BEGINNING
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II __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_1__
III __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_2__
IV __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_3__
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XXIII __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_22__
XXIV __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_23__
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XXVI __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_25__
XXVII __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_26__
XXVIII __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_27__
XXIX __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_28__
XXX __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_29__
XXXI __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_30__
CHAPTER I
THE FOLD AND THE SHEPHERD
“So to-morrow, Alice,” said Dr. Madden, as he walked with his eldest daughter on the coast-downs by Clevedon, “I shall take steps for insuring my life for a thousand pounds.”
“So tomorrow, Alice,” Dr. Madden said as he walked with his oldest daughter along the coastal hills near Clevedon, “I’m going to arrange to insure my life for a thousand pounds.”
It was the outcome of a long and intimate conversation. Alice Madden, aged nineteen, a plain, shy, gentle-mannered girl, short of stature, and in movement something less than graceful, wore a pleased look as she glanced at her father’s face and then turned her eyes across the blue channel to the Welsh hills. She was flattered by the confidence reposed in her, for Dr. Madden, reticent by nature, had never been known to speak in the domestic circle about his pecuniary affairs. He seemed to be the kind of man who would inspire his children with affection: grave but benign, amiably diffident, with a hint of lurking mirthfulness about his eyes and lips. And to-day he was in the best of humours; professional prospects, as he had just explained to Alice, were more encouraging than hitherto; for twenty years he had practised medicine at Clevedon, but with such trifling emolument that the needs of his large family left him scarce a margin over expenditure; now, at the age of forty-nine—it was 1872—he looked forward with a larger hope. Might he not reasonably count on ten or fifteen more years of activity? Clevedon was growing in repute as a seaside resort; new houses were rising; assuredly his practice would continue to extend.
It was the result of a long and personal conversation. Alice Madden, nineteen years old, a plain, shy, gentle girl, short and somewhat awkward in her movements, wore a pleased expression as she glanced at her father’s face and then looked out across the blue water to the Welsh hills. She felt flattered by the trust he had in her, because Dr. Madden, who was naturally reserved, had never talked about his financial matters in the family. He seemed like the type of man who would inspire affection in his children: serious yet kind, gently humble, with a spark of hidden humor in his eyes and smile. Today, he was in a great mood; his professional outlook, as he had just explained to Alice, was more promising than before. He had been practicing medicine in Clevedon for twenty years, but the pay had been so small that the needs of his large family left him with barely anything after expenses. Now, at forty-nine years old—it was 1872—he looked ahead with greater hope. Could he not reasonably expect to have another ten or fifteen years of work? Clevedon was becoming more popular as a seaside destination; new houses were being built; surely his practice would continue to grow.
“I don’t think girls ought to be troubled about this kind of thing,” he added apologetically. “Let men grapple with the world; for, as the old hymn says, “’tis their nature to.” I should grieve indeed if I thought my girls would ever have to distress themselves about money matters. But I find I have got into the habit, Alice, of talking to you very much as I should talk with your dear mother if she were with us.”
“I don’t think girls should have to worry about this sort of thing,” he added with a hint of apology. “Let men deal with the world; as the old hymn says, ‘that’s just how they are.’ I would be truly upset if I thought my girls would ever have to stress over money issues. But I realize I’ve gotten into the habit, Alice, of speaking to you much like I would talk to your dear mother if she were here with us.”
Mrs. Madden, having given birth to six daughters, had fulfilled her function in this wonderful world; for two years she had been resting in the old churchyard that looks upon the Severn sea. Father and daughter sighed as they recalled her memory. A sweet, calm, unpretending woman; admirable in the domesticities; in speech and thought distinguished by a native refinement, which in the most fastidious eyes would have established her claim to the title of lady. She had known but little repose, and secret anxieties told upon her countenance long before the final collapse of health.
Mrs. Madden, after having given birth to six daughters, had fulfilled her purpose in this beautiful world; for two years she had been resting in the old churchyard that overlooks the Severn sea. Father and daughter sighed as they remembered her. She was a kind, gentle, and unpretentious woman; exceptional in her family life; in her speech and thoughts marked by a natural refinement that would have earned her the title of lady in the eyes of even the most discerning. She had experienced little peace, and hidden worries showed on her face long before her health finally gave out.
“And yet,” pursued the doctor—doctor only by courtesy—when he had stooped to pluck and examine a flower, “I made a point of never discussing these matters with her. As no doubt you guess, life has been rather an uphill journey with us. But the home must be guarded against sordid cares to the last possible moment; nothing upsets me more than the sight of those poor homes where wife and children are obliged to talk from morning to night of how the sorry earnings shall be laid out. No, no; women, old or young, should never have to think about money.”
“And yet,” the doctor continued—doctor only in name—after he had bent down to pick and inspect a flower, “I made it a point never to talk about these things with her. As you can probably guess, life has been quite a struggle for us. But we must protect the home from harsh realities for as long as we can; nothing bothers me more than seeing those unfortunate homes where wives and children have to discuss every penny and how it will be spent all day long. No, no; women, whether young or old, shouldn’t have to worry about money.”
The magnificent summer sunshine, and the western breeze that tasted of ocean, heightened his natural cheeriness. Dr. Madden fell into a familiar strain of prescience.
The magnificent summer sunshine and the western breeze that smelled like the ocean boosted his natural happiness. Dr. Madden slipped into a familiar sense of intuition.
“There will come a day, Alice, when neither man nor woman is troubled with such sordid care. Not yet awhile; no, no; but the day will come. Human beings are not destined to struggle for ever like beasts of prey. Give them time; let civilization grow. You know what our poet says: “There the common sense of most shall hold a fretful realm in awe—””
“There will come a day, Alice, when neither men nor women will be burdened by such dirty worries. Not just yet; no, no; but that day will come. People aren't meant to fight forever like wild animals. Just give them time; let civilization develop. You know what our poet says: “There the common sense of most shall hold a fretful realm in awe—””
He quoted the couplet with a subdued fervour which characterized the man and explained his worldly lot. Elkanah Madden should never have entered the medical profession; mere humanitarianism had prompted the choice in his dreamy youth; he became an empiric, nothing more. “Our poet,” said the doctor; Clevedon was chiefly interesting to him for its literary associations. Tennyson he worshipped; he never passed Coleridge’s cottage without bowing in spirit. From the contact of coarse actualities his nature shrank.
He quoted the couplet with a quiet passion that defined him and explained his place in the world. Elkanah Madden should never have gone into medicine; he was motivated by a desire to help others in his idealistic youth, but he became nothing more than a bit of a hack. “Our poet,” said the doctor; Clevedon was mostly interesting to him because of its literary connections. He idolized Tennyson; he never walked past Coleridge’s cottage without mentally paying his respects. His nature recoiled from the harsh realities of life.
When he and Alice returned from their walk it was the hour of family tea. A guest was present this afternoon; the eight persons who sat down to table were as many as the little parlour could comfortably contain. Of the sisters, next in age to Alice came Virginia, a pretty but delicate girl of seventeen. Gertrude, Martha, and Isabel, ranging from fourteen to ten, had no physical charm but that of youthfulness; Isabel surpassed her eldest sister in downright plainness of feature. The youngest, Monica, was a bonny little maiden only just five years old, dark and bright-eyed.
When he and Alice got back from their walk, it was time for family tea. There was a guest this afternoon; the eight people who sat down at the table were all that the little parlor could comfortably hold. Among the sisters, the next oldest after Alice was Virginia, a pretty but fragile girl of seventeen. Gertrude, Martha, and Isabel, aged between fourteen and ten, didn't have much physical beauty except their youth; Isabel was even plainer than her oldest sister. The youngest, Monica, was a cheerful little girl just five years old, dark-haired and bright-eyed.
The parents had omitted no care in shepherding their fold. Partly at home, and partly in local schools, the young ladies had received instruction suitable to their breeding, and the elder ones were disposed to better this education by private study. The atmosphere of the house was intellectual; books, especially the poets, lay in every room. But it never occurred to Dr. Madden that his daughters would do well to study with a professional object. In hours of melancholy he had of course dreaded the risks of life, and resolved, always with postponement, to make some practical provision for his family; in educating them as well as circumstances allowed, he conceived that he was doing the next best thing to saving money, for, if a fatality befell, teaching would always be their resource. The thought, however, of his girls having to work for money was so utterly repulsive to him that he could never seriously dwell upon it. A vague piety supported his courage. Providence would not deal harshly with him and his dear ones. He enjoyed excellent health; his practice decidedly improved. The one duty clearly before him was to set an example of righteous life, and to develop the girls’ minds—in every proper direction. For, as to training them for any path save those trodden by English ladies of the familiar type, he could not have dreamt of any such thing. Dr. Madden’s hopes for the race were inseparable from a maintenance of morals and conventions such as the average man assumes in his estimate of women.
The parents had put a lot of care into raising their daughters. At home and in local schools, the young ladies received education appropriate to their status, and the older ones aimed to enhance this education through self-study. The atmosphere in the house was intellectual; books, especially poetry, were found in every room. However, it never crossed Dr. Madden's mind that his daughters should study with a professional goal in mind. During moments of sadness, he often worried about the dangers of life and resolved, always with procrastination, to make some practical arrangements for his family; by educating them as much as circumstances allowed, he believed he was doing the next best thing to saving money since, if something tragic happened, their education would always be a fallback. The idea of his daughters having to earn a living was so utterly repugnant to him that he could never seriously think about it. A vague sense of faith bolstered his courage. Providence wouldn’t treat him and his loved ones harshly. He enjoyed excellent health, and his practice was definitely improving. The one clear duty before him was to set an example of a righteous life and to nurture the girls’ minds in every suitable way. As for training them for any path other than those taken by ordinary English ladies, he couldn't even imagine it. Dr. Madden’s hopes for future generations were tied to maintaining the morals and conventions that an average man would hold in his view of women.
The guest at table was a young girl named Rhoda Nunn. Tall, thin, eager-looking, but with promise of bodily vigour, she was singled at a glance as no member of the Madden family. Her immaturity (but fifteen, she looked two years older) appeared in nervous restlessness, and in her manner of speaking, childish at times in the hustling of inconsequent thoughts, yet striving to imitate the talk of her seniors. She had a good head, in both senses of the phrase; might or might not develop a certain beauty, but would assuredly put forth the fruits of intellect. Her mother, an invalid, was spending the summer months at Clevedon, with Dr. Madden for medical adviser, and in this way the girl became friendly with the Madden household. Its younger members she treated rather condescendingly; childish things she had long ago put away, and her sole pleasure was in intellectual talk. With a frankness peculiar to her, indicative of pride, Miss Nunn let it be known that she would have to earn her living, probably as a school teacher; study for examinations occupied most of her day, and her hours of leisure were frequently spent either at the Maddens or with a family named Smithson—people, these latter, for whom she had a profound and somewhat mysterious admiration. Mr. Smithson, a widower with a consumptive daughter, was a harsh-featured, rough-voiced man of about five-and-thirty, secretly much disliked by Dr. Madden because of his aggressive radicalism; if women’s observation could be trusted, Rhoda Nunn had simply fallen in love with him, had made him, perhaps unconsciously, the object of her earliest passion. Alice and Virginia commented on the fact in their private colloquy with a shamefaced amusement; they feared that it spoke ill for the young lady’s breeding. None the less they thought Rhoda a remarkable person, and listened to her utterances respectfully.
The guest at the table was a young girl named Rhoda Nunn. Tall, thin, and eager-looking, with signs of physical strength, she was clearly not a member of the Madden family. Her youthful nature (only fifteen, but she looked a couple of years older) showed in her nervous energy and sometimes childlike way of speaking as she interrupted her scattered thoughts while trying to mimic the conversation of adults. She had a good mind, in both senses, and while she might or might not grow into a certain beauty, she would definitely showcase her intelligence. Her mother, who was unwell, was spending the summer in Clevedon with Dr. Madden as her medical advisor, which allowed the girl to get to know the Madden household. She tended to look down on its younger members; she had moved past childish things and found her joy in intellectual discussions. With a unique frankness that showed her pride, Miss Nunn made it clear that she would need to earn a living, likely as a school teacher. Most of her days were taken up by studying for exams, and her free time was often spent either with the Maddens or with a family named Smithson—people she held in deep and somewhat mysterious admiration. Mr. Smithson, a widower with a sick daughter, was a rugged-looking man in his mid-thirties with a rough voice, and he was secretly disliked by Dr. Madden due to his outspoken radical views; if women’s observations were to be believed, Rhoda Nunn had probably fallen in love with him and had perhaps unconsciously made him the focus of her very first crush. Alice and Virginia discussed this in private with a mix of embarrassment and amusement, worried that it reflected poorly on the young lady's upbringing. Nevertheless, they considered Rhoda a remarkable person and listened to her respectfully.
“And what is your latest paradox, Miss Nunn?” inquired the doctor, with grave facetiousness, when he had looked round the young faces at his board.
“And what’s your latest paradox, Miss Nunn?” the doctor asked, with serious humor, after he had scanned the young faces at his table.
“Really, I forget, doctor. Oh, but I wanted to ask you, Do you think women ought to sit in Parliament?”
“Honestly, I forget, doctor. Oh, but I wanted to ask you, do you think women should be in Parliament?”
“Why, no,” was the response, as if after due consideration. “If they are there at all they ought to stand.”
“Why, no,” came the reply, as if after some thought. “If they’re there at all, they should stand.”
“Oh, I can’t get you to talk seriously,” rejoined Rhoda, with an air of vexation, whilst the others were good-naturedly laughing. “Mr. Smithson thinks there ought to be female members of Parliament.”
“Oh, I can’t get you to talk seriously,” Rhoda replied, clearly annoyed, while the others were laughing good-naturedly. “Mr. Smithson thinks there should be female members of Parliament.”
“Does he? Have the girls told you that there’s a nightingale in Mr. Williams’s orchard?”
“Does he? Have the girls mentioned that there’s a nightingale in Mr. Williams’s orchard?”
It was always thus. Dr. Madden did not care to discuss even playfully the radical notions which Rhoda got from her objectionable friend. His daughters would not have ventured to express an opinion on such topics when he was present; apart with Miss Nunn, they betrayed a timid interest in whatever proposition she advanced, but no gleam of originality distinguished their arguments.
It was always like this. Dr. Madden didn’t want to even casually talk about the radical ideas that Rhoda picked up from her questionable friend. His daughters wouldn’t have dared to share their thoughts on such subjects when he was around; away from him, with Miss Nunn, they showed a hesitant interest in any suggestion she made, but there was nothing unique about their arguments.
After tea the little company fell into groups—some out of doors beneath the apple-trees, others near the piano at which Virginia was playing Mendelssohn. Monica ran about among them with her five-year-old prattle, ever watched by her father, who lounged in a canvas chair against the sunny ivied wall, pipe in mouth. Dr. Madden was thinking how happy they made him, these kind, gentle girls; how his love for them seemed to ripen with every summer; what a delightful old age his would be, when some were married and had children of their own, and the others tended him—they whom he had tended. Virginia would probably be sought in marriage; she had good looks, a graceful demeanour, a bright understanding. Gertrude also, perhaps. And little Monica—ah, little Monica! she would be the beauty of the family. When Monica had grown up it would be time for him to retire from practice; by then he would doubtless have saved money.
After tea, the small group split into clusters—some outside under the apple trees, others gathered around the piano where Virginia was playing Mendelssohn. Monica darted around among them with her five-year-old chatter, always under the watchful eye of her father, who relaxed in a canvas chair against the sunny, ivy-covered wall, pipe in his mouth. Dr. Madden was thinking about how happy these kind, gentle girls made him; how his love for them seemed to grow stronger with every summer; what a wonderful old age he would have, when some were married and had kids of their own, while the others took care of him—they whom he had cared for. Virginia would likely be pursued for marriage; she had good looks, a graceful presence, and a sharp mind. Possibly Gertrude too. And little Monica—oh, little Monica! she would be the beauty of the family. When Monica grew up, it would be time for him to retire from practice; by then, he would surely have saved some money.
He must find more society for them; they had always been too much alone, whence their shyness among strangers. If their mother had but lived!
He needs to help them socialize more; they've always been too isolated, which is why they're shy around new people. If only their mother had lived!
“Rhoda wishes you to read us something, father,” said his eldest girl, who had approached whilst he was lost in dream.
“Rhoda wants you to read us something, dad,” said his oldest girl, who had come over while he was lost in thought.
He often read aloud to them from the poets; Coleridge and Tennyson by preference. Little persuasion was needed. Alice brought the volume, and he selected “The Lotus-Eaters.” The girls grouped themselves about him, delighted to listen. Many an hour of summer evening had they thus spent, none more peaceful than the present. The reader’s cadenced voice blended with the song of a thrush.
He often read aloud to them from the poets, usually Coleridge and Tennyson. It didn't take much convincing. Alice brought the book, and he chose "The Lotus-Eaters." The girls gathered around him, happy to listen. They had spent many summer evenings like this, and none was more tranquil than the current one. The reader's rhythmic voice blended with the song of a thrush.
“Let us alone.
Time driveth onward fast,
And in a little while our
lips are dumb.
Let us alone.
What is it that will last?
All things are taken from us—”
“Leave us be.
Time moves on quickly,
And soon our
voices will be silent.
Leave us be.
What is it that endures?
Everything is taken from us—”
There came an interruption, hurried, peremptory. A farmer over at Kingston Seymour had been seized with alarming illness; the doctor must come at once.
There was a sudden interruption, urgent and commanding. A farmer over in Kingston Seymour had fallen seriously ill; the doctor needed to come immediately.
“Very sorry, girls. Tell James to put the horse in, sharp as he can.”
“Sorry, girls. Tell James to get the horse inside as quickly as he can.”
In ten minutes Dr. Madden was driving at full speed, alone in his dog-cart, towards the scene of duty.
In ten minutes, Dr. Madden was racing at full speed, alone in his dog cart, towards the scene of his duty.
About seven o’clock Rhoda Nunn took leave, remarking with her usual directness, that before going home she would walk along the sea-front in the hope of a meeting with Mr. Smithson and his daughter. Mrs. Nunn was not well enough to leave the house to-day; but, said Rhoda, the invalid preferred being left alone at such times.
About seven o’clock, Rhoda Nunn said goodbye, mentioning straightforwardly that before heading home, she’d take a walk along the sea-front in hopes of running into Mr. Smithson and his daughter. Mrs. Nunn wasn’t feeling well enough to leave the house today; however, Rhoda said the patient preferred to be left alone during those times.
“Are you sure she prefers it?” Alice ventured to ask. The girl gave her a look of surprise.
“Are you sure she likes it?” Alice dared to ask. The girl gave her a surprised look.
“Why should mother say what she doesn’t mean?”
“Why should mom say something she doesn't mean?”
It was uttered with an ingenuousness which threw some light on Rhoda’s character.
It was said with a sincerity that revealed something about Rhoda’s character.
By nine o’clock the younger trio of sisters had gone to bed; Alice, Virginia, and Gertrude sat in the parlour, occupied with books, from time to time exchanging a quiet remark. A tap at the door scarcely drew their attention, for they supposed it was the maid-servant coming to lay supper. But when the door opened there was a mysterious silence; Alice looked up and saw the expected face, wearing, however, so strange an expression that she rose with sudden fear.
By nine o’clock, the younger three sisters had gone to bed; Alice, Virginia, and Gertrude were in the living room, focused on their books, occasionally whispering to each other. A knock on the door barely caught their attention, as they thought it was the maid coming to set the table for supper. But when the door opened, a tense silence filled the room; Alice looked up and saw the familiar face, but with such an odd expression that it made her stand up in sudden fear.
“Can I speak to you, please, miss?”
“Can I talk to you, please, miss?”
The dialogue out in the passage was brief. A messenger had just arrived with the tidings that Dr. Madden, driving back from Kingston Seymour, had been thrown from his vehicle and lay insensible at a roadside cottage.
The conversation in the passage was short. A messenger had just arrived with news that Dr. Madden, coming back from Kingston Seymour, had been thrown from his vehicle and was unconscious at a roadside cottage.
* * *
Sure! Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
For some time the doctor had been intending to buy a new horse; his faithful old roadster was very weak in the knees. As in other matters, so in this, postponement became fatality; the horse stumbled and fell, and its driver was flung head forward into the road. Some hours later they brought him to his home, and for a day or two there were hopes that he might rally. But the sufferer’s respite only permitted him to dictate and sign a brief will; this duty performed, Dr. Madden closed his lips for ever.
For a while, the doctor had been planning to buy a new horse; his loyal old roadster was really weak in the knees. As with other things, procrastination turned into a disaster; the horse stumbled and fell, and the driver was thrown headfirst into the road. A few hours later, they brought him home, and for a day or two, there were hopes that he might recover. But the brief period of relief only allowed him to dictate and sign a short will; having done that, Dr. Madden closed his lips forever.
CHAPTER II
ADRIFT
Just before Christmas of 1887, a lady past her twenties, and with a look of discouraged weariness on her thin face, knocked at a house-door in a little street by Lavender Hill. A card in the window gave notice that a bedroom was here to let. When the door opened, and a clean, grave, elderly woman presented herself, the visitor, regarding her anxiously, made known that she was in search of a lodging.
Just before Christmas in 1887, a woman in her late twenties, with a look of tired discouragement on her thin face, knocked on the door of a house on a small street near Lavender Hill. A card in the window announced that a bedroom was available for rent. When the door opened, and a neat, serious-looking older woman appeared, the visitor, looking anxious, explained that she was looking for a place to stay.
“It may be for a few weeks only, or it may be for a longer period,” she said in a low, tired voice, with an accent of good breeding. “I have a difficulty in finding precisely what I want. One room would be sufficient, and I ask for very little attendance.”
“It could be for just a few weeks, or it might be longer,” she said in a quiet, weary voice, with a hint of sophistication. “I have a hard time finding exactly what I’m looking for. One room would be enough, and I require very little service.”
She had but one room to let, replied the other. It might be inspected.
She only had one room to rent, the other person replied. It could be checked out.
They went upstairs. The room was at the back of the house, small, but neatly furnished. Its appearance seemed to gratify the visitor, for she smiled timidly.
They went upstairs. The room was at the back of the house, small but neatly furnished. Its appearance seemed to please the visitor, as she smiled shyly.
“What rent should you ask?”
“What rent should you charge?”
“That would depend, mum, on what attendance was required.”
“That would depend, mom, on what attendance was required.”
“Yes—of course. I think—will you permit me to sit down? I am really very tired. Thank you. I require very little attendance indeed. My ways are very simple. I should make the bed myself, and—and, do the other little things that are necessary from day to day. Perhaps I might ask you to sweep the room out—once a week or so.”
“Yes—of course. I think—can I sit down? I'm really very tired. Thank you. I don’t need much help at all. My routine is very simple. I can make the bed myself and do the other small things that are needed every day. Maybe I could ask you to sweep the room once a week or so.”
The landlady grew meditative. Possibly she had had experience of lodgers who were anxious to give as little trouble as possible. She glanced furtively at the stranger.
The landlady became thoughtful. Maybe she had dealt with tenants who wanted to cause as little hassle as possible. She stole a glance at the stranger.
“And what,” was her question at length, “would you be thinking of paying?”
“And what,” she finally asked, “are you thinking of paying?”
“Perhaps I had better explain my position. For several years I have been companion to a lady in Hampshire. Her death has thrown me on my own resources—I hope only for a short time. I have come to London because a younger sister of mine is employed here in a house of business; she recommended me to seek for lodgings in this part; I might as well be near her whilst I am endeavouring to find another post; perhaps I may be fortunate enough to find one in London. Quietness and economy are necessary to me. A house like yours would suit me very well—very well indeed. Could we not agree upon terms within my—within my power?”
“Maybe I should clarify my situation. For several years, I've been living with a lady in Hampshire. Her passing has left me to rely on myself—I hope only for a little while. I've come to London because my younger sister works here in a business. She suggested I look for a place to stay in this area; it makes sense to be close to her while I search for another job. Hopefully, I’ll be lucky enough to find one in London. I need peace and to stick to a budget. A place like yours would be perfect for me—really perfect. Can we come to an agreement on terms that I can afford?”
Again the landlady pondered.
Again, the landlady thought.
“Would you be willing to pay five and sixpence?”
"Would you be willing to pay five shillings and sixpence?"
“Yes, I would pay five and sixpence—if you are quite sure that you could let me live in my own way with satisfaction to yourself. I—in fact, I am a vegetarian, and as the meals I take are so very simple, I feel that I might just as well prepare them myself. Would you object to my doing so in this room? A kettle and a saucepan are really all—absolutely all—that I should need to use. As I shall be much at home, it will be of course necessary for me to have a fire.”
“Yes, I’d pay five and sixpence—if you’re completely sure you can let me live my own way and be satisfied with it. I—actually, I’m a vegetarian, and since my meals are really simple, I feel like I might as well prepare them myself. Would you mind if I did that in this room? A kettle and a saucepan are really all—absolutely all—that I would need to use. Since I’ll be home a lot, I’ll definitely need to have a fire.”
In the course of half an hour an agreement had been devised which seemed fairly satisfactory to both parties.
In just half an hour, they came up with an agreement that seemed pretty acceptable to both sides.
“I’m not one of the graspin’ ones,” remarked the landlady. “I think I may say that of myself. If I make five or six shillings a week out of my spare room, I don’t grumble. But the party as takes it must do their duty on their side. You haven’t told me your name yet, mum.”
“I’m not someone who’s greedy,” the landlady said. “I think I can say that about myself. If I make five or six shillings a week from my spare room, I don’t complain. But the person renting it has to do their part too. You haven’t told me your name yet, ma'am.”
“Miss Madden. My luggage is at the railway station; it shall be brought here this evening. And, as I am quite unknown to you, I shall be glad to pay my rent in advance.”
“Miss Madden. My bags are at the train station; they will be brought here this evening. And since you don’t know me at all, I would be happy to pay my rent upfront.”
“Well, I don’t ask for that; but it’s just as you like.”
“Sure, I don’t need that; but it’s up to you.”
“Then I will pay you five and sixpence at once. Be so kind as to let me have a receipt.”
“Then I’ll pay you five shillings and sixpence right away. Please be kind enough to give me a receipt.”
So Miss Madden established herself at Lavender Hill, and dwelt there alone for three months.
So Miss Madden settled at Lavender Hill and lived there by herself for three months.
She received letters frequently, but only one person called upon her. This was her sister Monica, now serving at a draper’s in Walworth Road. The young lady came every Sunday, and in bad weather spent the whole day up in the little bedroom. Lodger and landlady were on remarkably good terms; the one paid her dues with exactness, and the other did many a little kindness not bargained for in the original contract.
She got letters all the time, but only one person visited her. That was her sister Monica, who was working at a fabric shop on Walworth Road. The young woman came every Sunday, and on rainy days, she stayed the entire day in the small bedroom. The lodger and landlady had a really good relationship; the lodger paid her rent on time, and the landlady did a lot of little favors that weren't part of their original agreement.
Time went on to the spring of ’88. Then, one afternoon, Miss Madden descended to the kitchen and tapped in her usual timid way at the door.
Time passed into the spring of ’88. Then, one afternoon, Miss Madden came down to the kitchen and knocked gently at the door, as she usually did.
“Are you at leisure, Mrs. Conisbee? Could I have a little conversation with you?”
“Are you free, Mrs. Conisbee? Can I have a quick chat with you?”
The landlady was alone, and with no more engrossing occupation than the ironing of some linen she had recently washed.
The landlady was on her own, with nothing more interesting to do than iron some linens she had just washed.
“I have mentioned my elder sister now and then. I am sorry to say she is leaving her post with the family at Hereford. The children are going to school, so that her services are no longer needed.”
“I have talked about my older sister from time to time. I’m sorry to say she is leaving her position with the family in Hereford. The kids are going to school, so her help is no longer required.”
“Indeed, mum?”
"Really, mom?"
“Yes. For a shorter or longer time she will be in need of a home. Now it has occurred to me, Mrs. Conisbee, that—that I would ask you whether you would have any objection to her sharing my room with me? Of course there must be an extra payment. The room is small for two persons, but then the arrangement would only be temporary. My sister is a good and experienced teacher, and I am sure she will have no difficulty in obtaining another engagement.”
“Yes. She will need a home for a little while, or maybe longer. I’ve thought about it, Mrs. Conisbee, and I wanted to ask if you would mind her sharing my room with me? There would have to be an extra payment, of course. The room is small for two, but this arrangement would only be temporary. My sister is a skilled and experienced teacher, and I’m sure she’ll have no trouble finding another job.”
Mrs. Conisbee reflected, but without a shade of discontent. By this time she knew that her lodger was thoroughly to be trusted.
Mrs. Conisbee thought about it, but without any hint of dissatisfaction. By now, she was confident that her tenant could be completely trusted.
“Well, it’s if you can manage, mum,” she replied. “I don’t see as I could have any fault to find, if you thought you could both live in that little room. And as for the rent, I should be quite satisfied if we said seven shillings instead of five and six.”
“Well, if you can handle it, Mom,” she replied. “I don’t think I would have any issues if you believed you could both live in that small room. And as for the rent, I would be perfectly fine if we said seven shillings instead of five and six.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Conisbee; thank you very much indeed. I will write to my sister at once; the news will be a great relief to her. We shall have quite an enjoyable little holiday together.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Conisbee; I really appreciate it. I’ll write to my sister right away; this news will be a huge relief for her. We’re going to have a nice little holiday together.”
A week later the eldest of the three Miss Maddens arrived. As it was quite impossible to find space for her boxes in the bedroom, Mrs. Conisbee allowed them to be deposited in the room occupied by her daughter, which was on the same floor. In a day or two the sisters had begun a life of orderly tenor. When weather permitted they were out either in the morning or afternoon. Alice Madden was in London for the first time; she desired to see the sights, but suffered the restrictions of poverty and ill-health. After nightfall, neither she nor Virginia ever left home.
A week later, the oldest of the three Miss Maddens arrived. Since there was no room for her boxes in the bedroom, Mrs. Conisbee let them be placed in the room used by her daughter, which was on the same floor. Within a couple of days, the sisters had started a routine life. Whenever the weather was nice, they would go out either in the morning or the afternoon. Alice Madden was visiting London for the first time; she wanted to see the sights but was hampered by financial struggles and poor health. After dark, neither she nor Virginia ever went out.
There was not much personal likeness between them.
There wasn't much similarity between them.
The elder (now five-and-thirty) tended to corpulence, the result of sedentary life; she had round shoulders and very short legs. Her face would not have been disagreeable but for its spoilt complexion; the homely features, if health had but rounded and coloured them, would have expressed pleasantly enough the gentleness and sincerity of her character. Her cheeks were loose, puffy, and permanently of the hue which is produced by cold; her forehead generally had a few pimples; her shapeless chin lost itself in two or three fleshy fissures. Scarcely less shy than in girlhood, she walked with a quick, ungainly movement as if seeking to escape from some one, her head bent forward.
The older woman (now thirty-five) was a bit overweight, which came from her inactive lifestyle; she had rounded shoulders and very short legs. Her face wouldn't have been unattractive except for its damaged complexion; if her features had been healthier and more vibrant, they would have nicely reflected the kindness and sincerity of her character. Her cheeks were loose, puffy, and always had a color that suggested she was cold; her forehead often had a few pimples; her shapeless chin blended into two or three fleshy lines. Still rather shy compared to her younger days, she walked quickly and awkwardly as if trying to avoid someone, with her head tilted forward.
Virginia (about thirty-three) had also an unhealthy look, but the poverty, or vitiation, of her blood manifested itself in less unsightly forms. One saw that she had been comely, and from certain points of view her countenance still had a grace, a sweetness, all the more noticeable because of its threatened extinction. For she was rapidly ageing; her lax lips grew laxer, with emphasis of a characteristic one would rather not have perceived there; her eyes sank into deeper hollows; wrinkles extended their network; the flesh of her neck wore away. Her tall meagre body did not seem strong enough to hold itself upright.
Virginia (about thirty-three) looked unhealthy, but the issues with her blood showed up in less obvious ways. You could tell she had once been attractive, and in certain lights, her face still had a grace and sweetness that stood out even more because it was fading. She was aging quickly; her loose lips became even more slack, highlighting a trait that was hard to ignore; her eyes sank deeper into their sockets; wrinkles spread across her skin; the flesh of her neck was deteriorating. Her tall, thin body didn't seem strong enough to support itself.
Alice had brown hair, but very little of it. Virginia’s was inclined to be ruddy; it surmounted her small head in coils and plaits not without beauty. The voice of the elder sister had contracted an unpleasant hoarseness, but she spoke with good enunciation; a slight stiffness and pedantry of phrase came, no doubt, of her scholastic habits. Virginia was much more natural in manner and fluent in speech, even as she moved far more gracefully.
Alice had brown hair, but not much of it. Virginia’s hair had a reddish tint; it elegantly wrapped around her small head in curls and braids. The older sister's voice had developed an unpleasant hoarseness, but she spoke clearly; a slight stiffness and formality in her phrasing probably came from her academic background. Virginia was much more relaxed in her manner and spoke more fluently, and she moved with greater grace.
It was now sixteen years since the death of Dr. Madden of Clevedon. The story of his daughters’ lives in the interval may be told with brevity suitable to so unexciting a narrative.
It has now been sixteen years since Dr. Madden of Clevedon passed away. The story of his daughters' lives during that time can be told briefly, as it is a rather uneventful narrative.
When the doctor’s affairs were set in order, it was found that the patrimony of his six girls amounted, as nearly as possible, to eight hundred pounds.
When the doctor’s affairs were sorted out, it turned out that the inheritance for his six daughters totaled, as close as possible, eight hundred pounds.
Eight hundred pounds is, to be sure, a sum of money; but how, in these circumstances, was it to be applied?
Eight hundred pounds is definitely a lot of money; but how was it supposed to be used in this situation?
There came over from Cheltenham a bachelor uncle, aged about sixty. This gentleman lived on an annuity of seventy pounds, which would terminate when he did. It might be reckoned to him for righteousness that he spent the railway fare between Cheltenham and Clevedon to attend his brother’s funeral, and to speak a kind word to his nieces. Influence he had none; initiative, very little. There was no reckoning upon him for aid of any kind.
There came over from Cheltenham a bachelor uncle, around sixty years old. This man lived on a yearly income of seventy pounds, which would end when he did. It could be considered a good deed that he spent the train fare between Cheltenham and Clevedon to attend his brother’s funeral and to offer some kind words to his nieces. He had no influence and very little initiative. You couldn’t count on him for help of any kind.
From Richmond in Yorkshire, in reply to a letter from Alice, wrote an old, old aunt of the late Mrs. Madden, who had occasionally sent the girls presents. Her communication was barely legible; it seemed to contain fortifying texts of Scripture, but nothing in the way of worldly counsel. This old lady had no possessions to bequeath. And, as far as the girls knew, she was their mother’s only surviving relative.
From Richmond in Yorkshire, in response to a letter from Alice, wrote an elderly aunt of the late Mrs. Madden, who had occasionally sent the girls gifts. Her message was hard to read; it seemed to include encouraging quotes from the Bible, but no practical advice. This old lady had no belongings to pass on. And, as far as the girls knew, she was their mother’s only remaining relative.
The executor of the will was a Clevedon tradesman, a kind and capable friend of the family for many years, a man of parts and attainments superior to his station. In council with certain other well-disposed persons, who regarded the Maddens’ circumstances with friendly anxiety, Mr. Hungerford (testamentary instruction allowing him much freedom of action) decided that the three elder girls must forthwith become self-supporting, and that the three younger should live together in the care of a lady of small means, who offered to house and keep them for the bare outlay necessitated. A prudent investment of the eight hundred pounds might, by this arrangement, feed, clothe, and in some sort educate Martha, Isabel, and Monica. To see thus far ahead sufficed for the present; fresh circumstances could be dealt with as they arose.
The executor of the will was a tradesman from Clevedon, a kind and capable family friend for many years, a man with talents and accomplishments beyond his social standing. In discussions with a few other concerned individuals, who viewed the Maddens’ situation with genuine care, Mr. Hungerford (with the freedom granted by the testamentary instructions) decided that the three older girls needed to become self-supporting immediately, while the three younger ones would live together under the care of a woman with limited resources, who offered to provide them shelter and support for just the basic expenses required. A wise investment of the eight hundred pounds could, with this plan, feed, clothe, and partly educate Martha, Isabel, and Monica. Planning this far ahead was sufficient for now; any new situations could be addressed as they came up.
Alice obtained a situation as nursery-governess at sixteen pounds a year. Virginia was fortunate enough to be accepted as companion by a gentlewoman at Weston-super-Mare; her payment, twelve pounds. Gertrude, fourteen years old, also went to Weston, where she was offered employment in a fancy-goods shop—her payment nothing at all, but lodging, board, and dress assured to her.
Alice got a job as a nursery governess for sixteen pounds a year. Virginia was lucky to be hired as a companion by a lady in Weston-super-Mare; she was paid twelve pounds. Gertrude, who was fourteen, also went to Weston, where she was offered a job in a fancy-goods store—she wouldn’t get any pay, but she was guaranteed room, board, and clothing.
Ten years went by, and saw many changes.
Ten years passed, bringing a lot of changes.
Gertrude and Martha were dead; the former of consumption, the other drowned by the overturning of a pleasure-boat. Mr. Hungerford also was dead, and a new guardian administered the fund which was still a common property of the four surviving daughters. Alice plied her domestic teaching; Virginia remained a “companion.” Isabel, now aged twenty, taught in a Board School at Bridgewater, and Monica, just fifteen, was on the point of being apprenticed to a draper at Weston, where Virginia abode. To serve behind a counter would not have been Monica’s choice if any more liberal employment had seemed within her reach. She had no aptitude whatever for giving instruction; indeed, had no aptitude for anything but being a pretty, cheerful, engaging girl, much dependent on the love and gentleness of those about her. In speech and bearing Monica greatly resembled her mother; that is to say, she had native elegance. Certainly it might be deemed a pity that such a girl could not be introduced to one of the higher walks of life; but the time had come when she must “do something,” and the people to whose guidance she looked had but narrow experience of life. Alice and Virginia sighed over the contrast with bygone hopes, but their own careers made it seem probable that Monica would be better off “in business” than in a more strictly genteel position. And there was every likelihood that, at such a place as Weston, with her sister for occasional chaperon, she would ere long find herself relieved of the necessity of working for a livelihood.
Gertrude and Martha were dead; Gertrude from tuberculosis, and Martha drowned when a pleasure boat capsized. Mr. Hungerford was also gone, and a new guardian managed the fund, which was still shared among the four surviving daughters. Alice focused on her domestic teaching; Virginia served as a “companion.” Isabel, now twenty, taught at a Board School in Bridgewater, and Monica, just fifteen, was about to be apprenticed to a draper in Weston, where Virginia lived. Working behind a counter wouldn’t have been Monica’s first choice if any other more appealing job had seemed available. She had no talent for teaching; in fact, she had a knack for being a pretty, cheerful, charming girl, heavily reliant on the love and kindness of those around her. In her speech and demeanor, Monica was very much like her mother; in other words, she had natural grace. It was certainly unfortunate that such a girl couldn’t be introduced to a more refined lifestyle; however, the time had come for her to “do something,” and the people she looked up to had limited life experience. Alice and Virginia sighed at the contrast with their past hopes, but considering their own paths, it seemed likely that Monica would be better off “in business” than in a more strictly respectable position. Plus, there was a good chance that in a place like Weston, with her sister occasionally acting as chaperone, she would soon be free from the need to work for a living.
To the others, no wooer had yet presented himself. Alice, if she had ever dreamt of marriage, must by now have resigned herself to spinsterhood. Virginia could scarce hope that her faded prettiness, her health damaged by attendance upon an exacting invalid and in profitless study when she ought to have been sleeping, would attract any man in search of a wife. Poor Isabel was so extremely plain. Monica, if her promise were fulfilled, would be by far the best looking, as well as the sprightliest, of the family. She must marry; of course she must marry! Her sisters gladdened in the thought.
To the others, no suitor had come forward yet. Alice, if she had ever imagined getting married, must have ultimately accepted the idea of being single. Virginia could hardly expect her faded beauty, her health weakened from caring for a demanding invalid and studying when she should have been resting, to attract any man looking for a wife. Poor Isabel was unfortunately very plain. Monica, if her potential came to fruition, would be by far the most attractive and the liveliest in the family. She had to get married; of course she had to! Her sisters delighted in that thought.
Isabel was soon worked into illness. Brain trouble came on, resulting in melancholia. A charitable institution ultimately received her, and there, at two-and-twenty, the poor hard-featured girl drowned herself in a bath.
Isabel soon became ill. She developed mental health issues, leading to depression. Eventually, she was admitted to a charitable institution, and there, at just twenty-two, the unfortunate girl took her own life by drowning in a bath.
Their numbers had thus been reduced by half. Up to now, the income of their eight hundred pounds had served, impartially, the ends now of this, now of that one, doing a little good to all, saving them from many an hour of bitterness which must else have been added to their lot. By a new arrangement, the capital was at length made over to Alice and Virginia jointly, the youngest sister having a claim upon them to the extent of an annual nine pounds. A trifle, but it would buy her clothing—and then Monica was sure to marry. Thank Heaven, she was sure to marry!
Their numbers had been cut in half. Until now, the income from their eight hundred pounds had been fairly distributed among them, providing a little help to everyone and saving them from many hours of bitterness that would have otherwise added to their struggles. With a new arrangement, the capital was finally handed over to Alice and Virginia jointly, with the youngest sister entitled to nine pounds a year. A small amount, but it would buy her clothes—and then Monica was definitely going to get married. Thank goodness, she was definitely going to marry!
Without notable event, matrimonial or other, time went on to this present year of 1888.
Without any significant events, whether weddings or otherwise, time continued on to this present year of 1888.
Late in June, Monica would complete her twenty-first year; the elders, full of affection for the sister, who so notably surpassed them in beauty of person, talked much about her as the time approached, devising how to procure her a little pleasure on her birthday. Virginia thought a suitable present would be a copy of “the Christian Year”.
Late in June, Monica would turn twenty-one; the older folks, full of love for her sister, who was stunningly more beautiful than they were, talked a lot about her as her birthday approached, brainstorming how to get her a little joy on her special day. Virginia thought a perfect gift would be a copy of “the Christian Year.”
“She has really no time for continuous reading. A verse of Keble—just one verse at bedtime and in the morning might be strength to the poor girl.”
“She really doesn’t have time for reading continuously. Just a verse from Keble—one verse at bedtime and in the morning could be a source of strength for the poor girl.”
Alice assented.
Alice agreed.
“We must join to buy it, dear,” she added, with anxious look. “It wouldn’t be justifiable to spend more than two or three shillings.”
“We need to team up to buy it, dear,” she added with a worried look. “It wouldn’t be right to spend more than two or three shillings.”
“I fear not.”
"I'm not afraid."
They were preparing their midday meal, the substantial repast of the day. In a little saucepan on an oil cooking-stove was some plain rice, bubbling as Alice stirred it. Virginia fetched from downstairs (Mrs. Conisbee had assigned to them a shelf in her larder) bread, butter, cheese, a pot of preserve, and arranged the table (three feet by one and a half) at which they were accustomed to eat. The rice being ready, it was turned out in two proportions; made savoury with a little butter, pepper, and salt, it invited them to sit down.
They were getting ready for their lunch, the biggest meal of the day. In a small saucepan on an oil stove, some plain rice was bubbling as Alice stirred it. Virginia went downstairs to get bread, butter, cheese, a jar of preserves, and set the table (three feet by one and a half) where they usually ate. Once the rice was ready, it was served in two portions; made tasty with a bit of butter, pepper, and salt, it encouraged them to sit down.
As they had been out in the morning, the afternoon would be spent in domestic occupations. The low cane-chair Virginia had appropriated to her sister, because of the latter’s headaches and backaches, and other disorders; she herself sat on an ordinary chair of the bedside species, to which by this time she had become used. Their sewing, when they did any, was strictly indispensable; if nothing demanded the needle, both preferred a book. Alice, who had never been a student in the proper sense of the word, read for the twentieth time a few volumes in her possession—poetry, popular history, and half a dozen novels such as the average mother of children would have approved in the governess’s hands. With Virginia the case was somewhat different. Up to about her twenty-fourth year she had pursued one subject with a zeal limited only by her opportunities; study absolutely disinterested, seeing that she had never supposed it would increase her value as a “companion,” or enable her to take any better position. Her one intellectual desire was to know as much as possible about ecclesiastical history. Not in a spirit of fanaticism; she was devout, but in moderation, and never spoke bitterly on religious topics. The growth of the Christian Church, old sects and schisms, the Councils, affairs of Papal policy—these things had a very genuine interest for her; circumstances favouring, she might have become an erudite woman; But the conditions were so far from favourable that all she succeeded in doing was to undermine her health. Upon a sudden breakdown there followed mental lassitude, from which she never recovered. It being subsequently her duty to read novels aloud for the lady whom she “companioned,” new novels at the rate of a volume a day, she lost all power of giving her mind to anything but the feebler fiction. Nowadays she procured such works from a lending library, on a subscription of a shilling a month. Ashamed at first to indulge this taste before Alice, she tried more solid literature, but this either sent her to sleep or induced headache. The feeble novels reappeared, and as Alice made no adverse comment, they soon came and went with the old regularity.
As they had spent the morning outside, the afternoon was dedicated to household tasks. Virginia had taken the low cane chair for herself, given her sister’s headaches, backaches, and other ailments; she sat on a regular bedside chair, which she was now used to. Their sewing, whenever they did it, was strictly necessary; if there was nothing that required a needle, both preferred to read. Alice, who had never really been a proper student, read for the twentieth time a few books she owned—poetry, popular history, and a handful of novels that any average mother would approve for a governess to read. Virginia’s situation was a bit different. Up until about her twenty-fourth year, she pursued one subject with a passion limited only by her opportunities; her study was completely disinterested since she never thought it would enhance her worth as a “companion” or improve her standing. Her only intellectual goal was to learn as much as she could about church history. It wasn’t out of fanaticism; she was devout but moderate, never speaking harshly about religion. The development of the Christian Church, old sects and divisions, the Councils, and Papal policies genuinely interested her; under better circumstances, she might have become quite knowledgeable. However, the conditions were so unfavorable that all she managed to do was damage her health. After a sudden breakdown, she experienced mental fatigue from which she never fully recovered. Since it was later her responsibility to read novels aloud for the lady she “companioned,” she ended up reading new novels at the rate of one a day, losing the ability to focus on anything beyond lighter fiction. Nowadays, she rented such books from a lending library for a shilling a month. Initially embarrassed to indulge this preference in front of Alice, she tried reading more substantial literature, but that either put her to sleep or gave her headaches. The lightweight novels returned, and since Alice made no negative remarks, they quickly became a regular part of her routine again.
This afternoon the sisters were disposed for conversation. The same grave thought preoccupied both of them, and they soon made it their subject.
This afternoon, the sisters were in the mood to talk. They were both preoccupied with the same serious thought, and it didn't take long for them to bring it up.
“Surely,” Alice began by murmuring, half absently, “I shall soon hear of something.”
“Surely,” Alice started to murmur, half distracted, “I’ll find out about something soon.”
“I am dreadfully uneasy on my own account,” her sister replied.
“I’m really anxious for myself,” her sister replied.
“You think the person at Southend won’t write again?”
“You think the person at Southend won’t write back?”
“I’m afraid not. And she seemed so very unsatisfactory. Positively illiterate—oh, I couldn’t bear that.” Virginia gave a shudder as she spoke.
“I’m afraid not. And she seemed so very unsatisfactory. Totally illiterate—oh, I couldn’t stand that.” Virginia shuddered as she spoke.
“I almost wish,” said Alice, “that I had accepted the place at Plymouth.”
“I almost wish,” said Alice, “that I had taken the job in Plymouth.”
“Oh, my dear! Five children and not a penny of salary. It was a shameless proposal.”
“Oh, my dear! Five kids and not a dime of salary. It was such a ridiculous proposal.”
“It was, indeed,” sighed the poor governess. “But there is so little choice for people like myself. Certificates, and even degrees, are asked for on every hand. With nothing but references to past employers, what can one expect? I know it will end in my taking a place without salary.”
“It really was,” sighed the struggling governess. “But there’s hardly any options for someone like me. Everyone wants certificates and even degrees. With just references from past employers, what can I expect? I know it’ll end with me taking a job without pay.”
“People seem to have still less need of me,” lamented the companion. “I wish now that I had gone to Norwich as lady-help.”
“People seem to need me even less now,” the companion sighed. “I wish I had gone to Norwich to work as a lady’s helper.”
“Dear, your health would never have supported it.”
“Dear, your health could never handle it.”
“I don’t know. Possibly the more active life might do me good. It might, you know, Alice.”
“I don’t know. Maybe a more active life could help me. It might, you know, Alice.”
The other admitted this possibility with a deep sigh.
The other person acknowledged this possibility with a deep sigh.
“Let us review our position,” she then exclaimed.
“Let’s review our position,” she then exclaimed.
It was a phrase frequently on her lips, and always made her more cheerful. Virginia also seemed to welcome it as an encouragement.
It was a phrase she often said, and it always made her feel happier. Virginia also seemed to see it as a positive boost.
“Mine,” said the companion, “is almost as serious as it could be. I have only one pound left, with the exception of the dividend.”
“Mine,” said the companion, “is almost as serious as it can get. I have only one pound left, not counting the dividend.”
“I have rather more than four pounds still. Now, let us think,” Alice paused. “Supposing we neither of us obtain employment before the end of this year. We have to live, in that case, more than six months—you on seven pounds, and I on ten.”
“I've got a little over four pounds left. So, let’s think,” Alice paused. “What if neither of us gets a job before the end of this year? We would have to live, in that case, for more than six months—you with seven pounds, and I with ten.”
“It’s impossible,” said Virginia.
“It’s impossible,” said Virginia.
“Let us see. Put it in another form. We have both to live together on seventeen pounds. That is—” she made a computation on a piece of paper—“that is two pounds, sixteen shillings and eightpence a month—let us suppose this month at an end. That represents fourteen shillings and twopence a week. Yes, we can do it!”
“Let’s see. Let’s put it another way. We both have to make it on seventeen pounds. That is—” she calculated on a piece of paper—“that’s two pounds, sixteen shillings, and eight pence a month—assuming this month is almost over. That works out to fourteen shillings and two pence a week. Yes, we can manage!”
She laid down her pencil with an air of triumph. Her dull eyes brightened as though she had discovered a new source of income.
She set her pencil down with a sense of victory. Her lifeless eyes shimmered as if she had found a new way to make money.
“We cannot, dear,” urged Virginia in a subdued voice. “Seven shillings rent; that leaves only seven and twopence a week for everything—everything.”
“We can’t, dear,” Virginia urged in a quiet voice. “Seven shillings for rent; that leaves only seven and two pence a week for everything—everything.”
“We could do it, dear,” persisted the other. “If it came to the very worst, our food need not cost more than sixpence a day—three and sixpence a week. I do really believe, Virgie, we could support life on less—say, on fourpence. Yes, we could dear!”
“We could do it, dear,” the other kept insisting. “If it came down to it, we could get by on just sixpence a day—three and sixpence a week. I truly believe, Virgie, we could survive on even less—let's say fourpence. Yes, we could, dear!”
They looked fixedly at each other, like people about to stake everything on their courage.
They stared intensely at each other, like people ready to risk everything on their bravery.
“Is such a life worthy of the name?” asked Virginia in tones of awe.
“Is such a life worth calling that?” asked Virginia in tones of awe.
“We shan’t be driven to that. Oh, we certainly shall not. But it helps one to know that, strictly speaking, we are independent for another six months.”
“We won’t be forced into that. Oh, we definitely will not. But it’s good to know that, technically, we are independent for another six months.”
That word gave Virginia an obvious thrill.
That word clearly thrilled Virginia.
“Independent! Oh, Alice, what a blessed thing is independence! Do you know, my dear, I am afraid I have not exerted myself as I might have done to find a new place. These comfortable lodgings, and the pleasure of seeing Monica once a week, have tempted me into idleness. It isn’t really my wish to be idle; I know the harm it does me; but oh! if one could work in a home of one’s own!”
“Independent! Oh, Alice, how wonderful independence is! You know, my dear, I'm afraid I haven't really put in the effort I should have to find a new place. These cozy lodgings and the joy of seeing Monica once a week have lured me into laziness. I don’t actually want to be lazy; I know how much it negatively affects me; but oh! how amazing it would be to work in a home of my own!”
Alice had a startled, apprehensive look, as if her sister were touching on a subject hardly proper for discussion, or at least dangerous.
Alice had a shocked, anxious expression, as if her sister were bringing up a topic that wasn't appropriate to talk about, or at least risky.
“I’m afraid it’s no use thinking of that, dear,” she answered awkwardly.
“I’m afraid thinking about that is pointless, dear,” she replied awkwardly.
“No use; no use whatever. I am wrong to indulge in such thoughts.”
“No point; no point at all. I'm wrong to entertain such thoughts.”
“Whatever happens, my dear,” said Alice presently, with all the impressiveness of tone she could command, “we must never entrench upon our capital—never—never!”
“Whatever happens, my dear,” said Alice after a moment, using the most serious tone she could manage, “we must never touch our savings—never—never!”
“Oh, never! If we grow old and useless—”
“Oh, never! If we get old and useless—”
“If no one will give us even board and lodging for our services—”
“If no one will even provide us with food and a place to stay for our work—”
“If we haven’t a friend to look to,” Alice threw in, as though they were answering each other in a doleful litany, “then indeed we shall be glad that nothing tempted us to entrench on our capital! It would just keep us”—her voice sank—“from the workhouse.”
“If we don’t have a friend to rely on,” Alice added, as if they were responding to each other in a sad repetition, “then we’ll definitely be glad that nothing tempted us to dip into our savings! It would just keep us”—her voice lowered—“out of the poorhouse.”
After this each took up a volume, and until teatime they read quietly.
After that, each person picked up a book, and they quietly read until it was time for tea.
From six to nine in the evening they again talked and read alternately. Their conversation was now retrospective; each revived memories of what she had endured in one or the other house of bondage. Never had it been their lot to serve “really nice” people—this phrase of theirs was anything but meaningless. They had lived with more or less well-to-do families in the lower middle class—people who could not have inherited refinement, and had not acquired any, neither proletarians nor gentlefolk, consumed with a disease of vulgar pretentiousness, inflated with the miasma of democracy. It would have been but a natural result of such a life if the sisters had commented upon it in a spirit somewhat akin to that of their employers; but they spoke without rancour, without scandalmongering. They knew themselves superior to the women who had grudgingly paid them, and often smiled at recollections which would have moved the servile mind to venomous abuse.
From six to nine in the evening, they took turns talking and reading. Their conversation was now looking back; each brought up memories of what she had suffered in one or the other house of bondage. They had never had the chance to serve "really nice" people—this phrase of theirs was far from meaningless. They had lived with more or less well-off families in the lower middle class—people who couldn’t have inherited refinement and hadn’t acquired any, neither proletarians nor upper-class folks, burdened by a disease of vulgar pretentiousness, inflated by the toxic air of democracy. It would have been a natural result of such a life if the sisters had commented on it somewhat like their employers did; but they spoke without bitterness, without gossiping. They knew they were better than the women who had grudgingly paid them and often smiled at memories that would have made a subservient person lash out with venomous attacks.
At nine o’clock they took a cup of cocoa and a biscuit, and half an hour later they went to bed. Lamp oil was costly; and indeed they felt glad to say as early as possible that another day had gone by.
At nine o’clock, they had a cup of cocoa and a biscuit, and half an hour later, they went to bed. Lamp oil was expensive; and they were actually glad to say as early as possible that another day had passed.
Their hour of rising was eight. Mrs. Conisbee provided hot water for their breakfast. On descending to fetch it, Virginia found that the postman had left a letter for her. The writing on the envelope seemed to be a stranger’s. She ran upstairs again in excitement.
Their wake-up time was eight. Mrs. Conisbee prepared hot water for breakfast. When Virginia went down to get it, she discovered that the postman had delivered a letter for her. The handwriting on the envelope looked unfamiliar. She hurried back upstairs in excitement.
“Who can this be from, Alice?”
“Who could this be from, Alice?”
The elder sister had one of her headaches this morning; she was clay colour, and tottered in moving about. The close atmosphere of the bedroom would alone have accounted for such a malady. But an unexpected letter made her for the moment oblivious of suffering.
The older sister had one of her headaches this morning; she looked pale and wobbled while moving around. The stuffy atmosphere of the bedroom could have easily caused such a problem. But an unexpected letter momentarily made her forget her pain.
“Posted in London,” she said, examining the envelope eagerly.
“Sent from London,” she said, looking at the envelope with excitement.
“Some one you have been in correspondence with?”
“Is there someone you've been in touch with?”
“It’s months since I wrote to any one in London.”
“It’s been months since I wrote to anyone in London.”
For full five minutes they debated the mystery, afraid of dashing their hopes by breaking the envelope. At length Virginia summoned courage. Standing at a distance from the other, she took out the sheet of paper with tremulous hand, and glanced fearfully at the signature.
For a full five minutes, they discussed the mystery, worried that opening the envelope would ruin their hopes. Finally, Virginia gathered her courage. Standing apart from the others, she pulled out the sheet of paper with shaking hands and nervously looked at the signature.
“What do you think? It’s Miss Nunn!”
"What do you think? It’s Miss Nunn!"
“Miss Nunn! Never! How could she have got the address?”
“Miss Nunn! No way! How could she have gotten the address?”
Again the difficulty was discussed whilst its ready solution lay neglected.
Again, the issue was debated while an easy solution was ignored.
“Do read it!” said Alice at length, her throbbing head, made worse by the agitation, obliging her to sink down into the chair.
“Please read it!” said Alice eventually, her pounding head, made worse by the stress, forcing her to sink down into the chair.
The letter ran thus:—
The letter read as follows:—
“DEAR Miss MADDEN,—This morning I chanced to meet with Mrs. Darby, who was passing through London on her way home from the seaside. We had only five minutes’ talk (it was at a railway station), but she mentioned that you were at present in London, and gave me your address. After all these years, how glad I should be to see you! The struggle of life has made me selfish; I have neglected my old friends. And yet I am bound to add that some of them have neglected me. Would you rather that I came to your lodgings or you to mine? Which you like. I hear that your elder sister is with you, and that Monica is also in London somewhere. Do let us all see each other once more. Write as soon as you can. My kindest regards to all of you.—Sincerely yours,
“DEAR Miss MADDEN,—This morning I happened to run into Mrs. Darby, who was passing through London on her way home from the beach. We only talked for five minutes (it was at a train station), but she mentioned that you are currently in London and gave me your address. After all these years, I would be so happy to see you! The demands of life have made me selfish; I’ve neglected my old friends. Still, I have to say that some of them have neglected me too. Would you prefer that I come to your place or you come to mine? Whatever works for you. I hear your older sister is with you, and that Monica is also somewhere in London. Let’s make sure we all get together once more. Write back as soon as you can. My best wishes to all of you.—Sincerely yours,
RHODA NUNN.”
RHODA NUNN.
“How like her,” exclaimed Virginia, when she had read this aloud, “to remember that perhaps we may not care to receive visitors! She was always so thoughtful. And it is true that I ought to have written to her.”
“How like her,” exclaimed Virginia, when she read this aloud, “to remember that we might not want visitors! She was always so thoughtful. And it is true that I should have written to her.”
“We shall go to her, of course?”
"We're going to see her, right?"
“Oh yes, as she gives us the choice. How delightful! I wonder what she is doing? She writes cheerfully; I am sure she must be in a good position. What is the address? Queen’s Road, Chelsea. Oh, I’m so glad it’s not very far. We can walk there and back easily.”
“Oh yes, as she offers us the choice. How wonderful! I wonder what she’s up to? She writes happily; I’m sure she must be in a good place. What’s the address? Queen’s Road, Chelsea. Oh, I’m so glad it’s not too far. We can easily walk there and back.”
For several years they had lost sight of Rhoda Nunn. She left Clevedon shortly after the Maddens were scattered, and they heard she had become a teacher. About the date of Monica’s apprenticeship at Weston, Miss Nunn had a chance meeting with Virginia and the younger girl; she was still teaching, but spoke of her work with extreme discontent, and hinted at vague projects. Whether she succeeded in releasing herself the Maddens never heard.
For several years, they had lost track of Rhoda Nunn. She left Clevedon shortly after the Maddens were split up, and they heard she had become a teacher. Around the time of Monica’s apprenticeship at Weston, Miss Nunn had a chance encounter with Virginia and the younger girl; she was still teaching but spoke about her job with a lot of frustration and hinted at some unclear plans. The Maddens never found out if she managed to free herself.
It was a morning of doubtful fairness. Before going to bed last night they had decided to walk out together this morning and purchase the present for Monica’s birthday, which was next Sunday. But Alice felt too unwell to leave the house. Virginia should write a reply to Miss Nunn’s letter, and then go to the bookseller’s alone.
It was a morning of uncertain weather. Before going to bed last night, they had planned to go out together this morning and buy a gift for Monica’s birthday, which was next Sunday. But Alice felt too sick to leave the house. Virginia needed to respond to Miss Nunn’s letter and then head to the bookstore by herself.
She set forth at half-past nine. With extreme care she had preserved an out-of-doors dress into the third summer; it did not look shabby. Her mantle was in its second year only; the original fawn colour had gone to an indeterminate grey. Her hat of brown straw was a possession for ever; it underwent new trimming, at an outlay of a few pence, when that became unavoidable. Yet Virginia could not have been judged anything but a lady. She wore her garments as only a lady can (the position and movement of the arms has much to do with this), and had the step never to be acquired by a person of vulgar instincts.
She set out at 9:30. With great care, she had kept an outdoor dress looking good into its third summer; it didn’t appear worn out. Her coat was only in its second year; the original tan color had faded to an unclear grey. Her brown straw hat was a forever piece; it got new trims, costing just a few pennies, when necessary. Still, Virginia could only be seen as a lady. She wore her clothes like only a lady can (the way she held and moved her arms had a lot to do with it) and had a poise that someone with coarse instincts could never imitate.
A very long walk was before her. She wished to get as far as the Strand bookshops, not only for the sake of choice, but because this region pleased her and gave her a sense of holiday. Past Battersea Park, over Chelsea Bridge, then the weary stretch to Victoria Station, and the upward labour to Charing Cross. Five miles, at least, measured by pavement. But Virginia walked quickly; at half-past eleven she was within sight of her goal.
A long walk lay ahead of her. She wanted to reach the bookshops on the Strand, not just for the variety but also because she liked the area and it felt like a getaway. She passed Battersea Park, crossed Chelsea Bridge, then tackled the tiring stretch to Victoria Station, and made her way up to Charing Cross. It was at least five miles by sidewalk. But Virginia walked fast; by eleven-thirty, she could see her destination.
A presentable copy of Keble’s work cost less than she had imagined. This rejoiced her. But after leaving the shop she had a singular expression on her face—something more than weariness, something less than anxiety, something other than calculation. In front of Charing Cross Station she stopped, looking vaguely about her. Perhaps she had it in her mind to return home by omnibus, and was dreading the expense. Yet of a sudden she turned and went up the approach to the railway.
A decent copy of Keble’s work cost less than she expected. This made her happy. But after leaving the shop, she had a strange look on her face—something more than tiredness, something less than worry, something different from calculation. In front of Charing Cross Station, she paused, looking around aimlessly. Maybe she was thinking about taking the bus home and was dreading the cost. But suddenly, she turned and walked up the path to the train station.
At the entrance again she stopped. Her features were now working in the strangest way, as though a difficulty of breathing had assailed her. In her eyes was an eager yet frightened look; her lips stood apart.
At the entrance again she paused. Her face was now contorting in the strangest way, as if she was having trouble breathing. In her eyes was a mix of eagerness and fear; her lips were slightly parted.
Another quick movement, and she entered the station. She went straight to the door of the refreshment room, and looked in through the glass. Two or three people were standing inside. She drew back, a tremor passing through her.
Another quick movement, and she entered the station. She went straight to the door of the refreshment room and looked in through the glass. Two or three people were standing inside. She stepped back, a shiver running through her.
A lady came out. Then again Virginia approached the door. Two men only were within, talking together. With a hurried, nervous movement, she pushed the door open and went up to a part of the counter as far as possible from the two customers. Bending forward, she said to the barmaid in a voice just above a whisper,—
A woman walked out. Then Virginia went up to the door again. There were only two men inside, talking to each other. With a quick, anxious move, she pushed the door open and went to a part of the counter as far away from the two customers as she could. Leaning in, she asked the barmaid in a voice just above a whisper,—
“Kindly give me a little brandy.”
“Please give me a little brandy.”
Beads of perspiration were on her face, which had turned to a ghastly pallor. The barmaid, concluding that she was ill, served her promptly and with a sympathetic look.
Beads of sweat covered her face, which had become an unhealthy pale. The barmaid, thinking she was unwell, served her quickly and with a sympathetic expression.
Virginia added to the spirit twice its quantity of water, standing, as she did so, half turned from the bar. Then she sipped hurriedly two or three times, and at length took a draught. Colour flowed to her cheeks; her eyes lost their frightened glare. Another draught finished the stimulant. She hastily wiped her lips, and walked away with firm step.
Virginia mixed twice as much water with the spirit, slightly turned away from the bar as she did it. Then she quickly sipped a few times before finally taking a full drink. Color returned to her cheeks, and the fear in her eyes faded. After finishing the drink, she quickly wiped her lips and walked away confidently.
In the meantime a threatening cloud had passed from the sun; warm rays fell upon the street and its clamorous life. Virginia felt tired in body, but a delightful animation, rarest of boons, gave her new strength. She walked into Trafalgar Square and viewed it like a person who stands there for the first time, smiling, interested. A quarter of an hour passed whilst she merely enjoyed the air, the sunshine, and the scene about her. Such a quarter of an hour—so calm, contented, unconsciously hopeful—as she had not known since Alice’s coming to London.
In the meantime, a threatening cloud had moved away from the sun; warm rays lit up the street and its noisy life. Virginia felt physically tired, but a wonderful energy, a rare gift, gave her new strength. She walked into Trafalgar Square and took it in like someone seeing it for the first time, smiling and curious. A quarter of an hour went by as she simply enjoyed the air, the sunshine, and the scene around her. It was a quarter of an hour—so calm, content, and unwittingly hopeful—that she hadn’t experienced since Alice arrived in London.
She reached the house by half-past one, bringing in a paper bag something which was to serve for dinner. Alice had a wretched appearance; her head ached worse than ever.
She got to the house by 1:30, carrying a paper bag with something for dinner. Alice looked miserable; her head hurt worse than ever.
“Virgie,” she moaned, “we never took account of illness, you know.”
“Virgie,” she sighed, “we never considered illness, you know.”
“Oh, we must keep that off,” replied the other, sitting down with a look of exhaustion. She smiled, but no longer as in the sunlight of Trafalgar Square.
“Oh, we need to keep that off,” replied the other, sitting down with a tired expression. She smiled, but not like she did in the sunshine of Trafalgar Square.
“Yes, I must struggle against it. We will have dinner as soon as possible. I feel faint.”
“Yes, I have to fight against it. We'll have dinner as soon as we can. I'm feeling a bit lightheaded.”
If both of them had avowed their faintness as often as they felt it, the complaint would have been perpetual. But they generally made a point of deceiving each other, and tried to delude themselves; professing that no diet could be better for their particular needs than this which poverty imposed.
If they had admitted their weakness as often as they experienced it, they would have been complaining non-stop. But they usually focused on fooling one another and attempted to convince themselves that no diet could be better for their needs than what poverty forced upon them.
“Ah! it’s a good sign to be hungry,” exclaimed Virginia. “You’ll be better this afternoon, dear.”
“Ah! It’s a good sign to be hungry,” exclaimed Virginia. “You’ll feel better this afternoon, dear.”
Alice turned over “The Christian Year,” and endeavoured to console herself out of it, whilst her sister prepared the meal.
Alice flipped through "The Christian Year," trying to comfort herself with it while her sister cooked.
CHAPTER III
AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN
Virginia’s reply to Miss Nunn’s letter brought another note next morning—Saturday. It was to request a call from the sisters that same afternoon.
Virginia’s response to Miss Nunn’s letter brought another note the next morning—Saturday. It was to ask for a visit from the sisters that afternoon.
Alice, unfortunately, would not be able to leave home. Her disorder had become a feverish cold—caught, doubtless, between open window and door whilst the bedroom was being aired for breakfast. She lay in bed, and her sister administered remedies of the chemist’s advising.
Alice, unfortunately, couldn’t leave home. Her illness had turned into a nasty cold—probably caught during the time when the window and door were open while the bedroom was being aired out for breakfast. She lay in bed, and her sister provided remedies that the pharmacist recommended.
But she insisted on Virginia leaving her in the afternoon. Miss Nunn might have something of importance to tell or to suggest. Mrs. Conisbee, sympathetic in her crude way, would see that the invalid wanted for nothing.
But she insisted that Virginia leave her in the afternoon. Miss Nunn might have something important to say or suggest. Mrs. Conisbee, sympathetic in her straightforward way, would ensure that the invalid had everything she needed.
So, after a dinner of mashed potatoes and milk (“The Irish peasantry live almost entirely on that,” croaked Alice, “and they are physically a fine race”), the younger sister started on her walk to Chelsea. Her destination was a plain, low roomy old house in Queen’s Road, over against the hospital gardens. On asking for Miss Nunn, she was led to a back room on the ground floor, and there waited for a few moments. Several large bookcases, a well-equipped writing-table, and kindred objects, indicated that the occupant of the house was studious; the numerous bunches of cut flowers, which agreeably scented the air, seemed to prove the student was a woman.
So, after having dinner of mashed potatoes and milk (“The Irish peasantry live almost entirely on that,” Alice said, “and they’re physically a fine race”), the younger sister began her walk to Chelsea. She was headed to a simple, spacious old house on Queen’s Road, across from the hospital gardens. When she asked for Miss Nunn, she was taken to a back room on the ground floor and waited there for a few moments. Several large bookshelves, a well-equipped writing desk, and similar items suggested that the person living there was studious; the many bunches of cut flowers that filled the air with a pleasant scent hinted that the student was a woman.
Miss Nunn entered. Younger only by a year or two than Virginia, she was yet far from presenting any sorrowful image of a person on the way to old-maidenhood. She had a clear though pale skin, a vigorous frame, a brisk movement—all the signs of fairly good health. Whether or not she could be called a comely woman might have furnished matter for male discussion; the prevailing voice of her own sex would have denied her charm of feature. At first view the countenance seemed masculine, its expression somewhat aggressive—eyes shrewdly observant and lips consciously impregnable. But the connoisseur delayed his verdict. It was a face that invited, that compelled, study. Self-confidence, intellectual keenness, a bright humour, frank courage, were traits legible enough; and when the lips parted to show their warmth, their fullness, when the eyelids drooped a little in meditation, one became aware of a suggestiveness directed not solely to the intellect, of something like an unfamiliar sexual type, remote indeed from the voluptuous, but hinting a possibility of subtle feminine forces that might be released by circumstance. She wore a black serge gown, with white collar and cuffs; her thick hair rippled low upon each side of the forehead, and behind was gathered into loose vertical coils; in shadow the hue seemed black, but when illumined it was seen to be the darkest, warmest brown.
Miss Nunn walked in. She was only a year or two younger than Virginia, but she didn’t look like someone on the verge of being an old maid. Her skin was clear, though pale, she had a strong build, and her movements were lively—all signs of pretty good health. Whether she could be called an attractive woman might spark some debate among men; most women would probably say she lacked charm. At first glance, her face appeared somewhat masculine and had a slightly aggressive expression—her eyes were observant, and her lips seemed securely set. But a true connoisseur would hold off on their opinion. Her face was one that invited, even demanded, attention. There was a visible self-confidence, sharp intellect, bright humor, and open courage; and when her lips parted to reveal their warmth and fullness, and when her eyelids lowered a bit in thought, it became clear there was something intriguing about her—something beyond intellectual appeal, hinting at an unfamiliar type of femininity that, while not flamboyant, suggested there could be deeper, subtle forces that might emerge under the right circumstances. She wore a black serge dress with a white collar and cuffs; her thick hair curled gently around her forehead and was loosely gathered into vertical coils at the back; in the shadows, it looked black, but in the light, it revealed a deep, warm brown.
Offering a strong, shapely hand, she looked at her visitor with a smile which betrayed some mixture of pain in the hearty welcome.
Offering a strong, shapely hand, she looked at her visitor with a smile that showed a hint of pain behind the warm welcome.
“And how long have you been in London?”
“And how long have you been in London?”
It was the tone of a busy, practical person. Her voice had not much softness of timbre, and perhaps on that account she kept it carefully subdued.
It was the tone of a busy, practical person. Her voice didn’t have much softness, and maybe for that reason, she kept it deliberately low.
“So long as that? How I wish I had known you were so near! I have been in London myself about two years. And your sisters?”
“So long? I wish I had known you were so close! I’ve been in London for about two years myself. And how are your sisters?”
Virginia explained Alice’s absence, adding,—
Virginia explained Alice's absence, adding,—
“As for poor Monica, she has only Sunday free—except one evening a month. She is at business till half-past nine, and on Saturday till half-past eleven or twelve.”
“As for poor Monica, she only has Sunday off—except for one evening a month. She works until 9:30 PM, and on Saturday until 11:30 PM or midnight.”
“Oh, dear, dear, dear!” exclaimed the other rapidly, making a motion with her hand as if to brush away something disagreeable. “That will never do. You must put a stop to that.”
“Oh, my goodness!” the other exclaimed quickly, waving her hand as if to brush away something unpleasant. “That won't work. You need to put an end to that.”
“I am sure we ought to.”
"I'm sure we should."
Virginia’s thin, timid voice and weak manner were thrown into painful contrast by Miss Nunn’s personality.
Virginia’s thin, shy voice and fragile demeanor stood in sharp contrast to Miss Nunn’s strong personality.
“Yes, yes; we will talk about it presently. Poor little Monica! But do tell me about yourself and Miss Madden. It is so long since I heard about you.”
“Yes, yes; we’ll talk about it soon. Poor little Monica! But please tell me about you and Miss Madden. It’s been so long since I heard from you.”
“Indeed I ought to have written. I remember that at the end of our correspondence I remained in your debt. But it was a troublesome and depressing time with me. I had nothing but groans and moans to send.”
“Honestly, I should have written. I remember that by the end of our exchanges, I still owed you a reply. But it was a difficult and heavy time for me. I had nothing but complaints and sadness to share.”
“You didn’t stay long, I trust, with that trying Mrs. Carr?”
“You didn’t stay long, I hope, with that difficult Mrs. Carr?”
“Three years!” sighed Virginia.
“Three years!” Virginia sighed.
“Oh, your patience!”
“Oh, you’re so patient!”
“I wished to leave again and again. But at the end she always begged me not to desert her—that was how she put it. After all, I never had the heart to go.”
“I wanted to leave over and over. But in the end, she always pleaded with me not to leave her—that's how she phrased it. After all, I never had the heart to go.”
“Very kind of you, but—those questions are so difficult to decide. Self-sacrifice may be quite wrong, I’m afraid.”
“Thanks so much, but those questions are really hard to answer. I’m afraid self-sacrifice might be totally wrong.”
“Do you think so?” asked Virginia anxiously.
“Do you really think so?” Virginia asked nervously.
“Yes, I am sure it is often wrong—all the more so because people proclaim it a virtue without any reference to circumstances. Then how did you get away at last?”
“Yes, I’m sure it’s often mistaken—all the more so because people shout it out as a virtue without considering the situation. So how did you finally escape?”
“The poor woman died. Then I had a place scarcely less disagreeable. Now I have none at all; but I really must find one very soon.”
“The poor woman passed away. Then I had a situation that was hardly any better. Now I don’t have anything at all; but I really need to find something very soon.”
She laughed at this allusion to her poverty, and made nervous motions.
She laughed at this reference to her lack of money and fidgeted.
“Let me tell you what my own course has been,” said Miss Nunn, after a short reflection. “When my mother died, I determined to have done with teaching—you know that. I disliked it too much, and partly, of course, because I was incapable. Half my teaching was a sham—a pretence of knowing what I neither knew nor cared to know. I had gone into it like most girls, as a dreary matter of course.”
“Let me share my experience,” said Miss Nunn, after a brief pause. “When my mom died, I decided to quit teaching—you know that. I really didn’t like it, and partly, of course, because I wasn’t good at it. Half of my teaching was a facade—a pretense of knowing things that I neither understood nor wanted to understand. I got into it like most girls, just as a tedious obligation.”
“Like poor Alice, I’m afraid.”
“Like poor Alice, I'm scared.”
“Oh, it’s a distressing subject. When my mother left me that little sum of money I took a bold step. I went to Bristol to learn everything I could that would help me out of school life. Shorthand, book-keeping, commercial correspondence—I had lessons in them all, and worked desperately for a year. It did me good; at the end of the year I was vastly improved in health, and felt myself worth something in the world. I got a place as cashier in a large shop. That soon tired me, and by dint of advertising I found a place in an office at Bath. It was a move towards London, and I couldn’t rest till I had come the whole way. My first engagement here was as shorthand writer to the secretary of a company. But he soon wanted some one who could use a typewriter. That was a suggestion. I went to learn typewriting, and the lady who taught me asked me in the end to stay with her as an assistant. This is her house, and here I live with her.”
“Oh, it’s a tough subject. When my mom left me that small amount of money, I decided to take a big step. I went to Bristol to learn everything I could to help me transition out of school life. Shorthand, bookkeeping, business correspondence—I took lessons in all of them and worked hard for a year. It really helped me; by the end of the year, I felt much healthier and believed I had value in the world. I got a job as a cashier in a big store. That got boring quickly, so I advertised and landed a job in an office in Bath. It was a step closer to London, and I couldn’t be satisfied until I made it all the way. My first job here was as a shorthand writer for the secretary of a company. But he soon needed someone who could use a typewriter. That was the push I needed. I went to learn typewriting, and in the end, the woman who taught me asked me to stay on as her assistant. This is her house, and I live here with her.”
“How energetic you have been!”
"You've been so energetic!"
“How fortunate, perhaps. I must tell you about this lady—Miss Barfoot. She has private means—not large, but sufficient to allow of her combining benevolence with business. She makes it her object to train young girls for work in offices, teaching them the things that I learnt in Bristol, and typewriting as well. Some pay for their lessons, and some get them for nothing. Our workrooms are in Great Portland Street, over a picture-cleaner’s shop. One or two girls have evening lessons, but our pupils for the most part are able to come in the day. Miss Barfoot hasn’t much interest in the lower classes; she wishes to be of use to the daughters of educated people. And she is of use. She is doing admirable work.”
“How lucky, maybe. I should tell you about this woman—Miss Barfoot. She has some money—not a lot, but enough that she can mix kindness with business. Her goal is to train young girls for office work, teaching them everything I learned in Bristol, as well as typing. Some pay for their lessons, and some get them for free. Our workrooms are on Great Portland Street, above a shop that cleans pictures. A few girls have evening classes, but most of our students come during the day. Miss Barfoot isn’t really interested in the lower classes; she wants to help the daughters of educated people. And she is helping. She’s doing fantastic work.”
“Oh, I am sure she must be! What a wonderful person!”
“Oh, I’m sure she is! What an amazing person!”
“It occurs to me that she might help Monica.”
“It just occurred to me that she could help Monica.”
“Oh, do you think she would?” exclaimed Virginia, with eager attention. “How grateful we should be!”
“Oh, do you think she would?” exclaimed Virginia, paying close attention. “How thankful we should be!”
“Where is Monica employed?”
“Where does Monica work?”
“At a draper’s in Walworth Road. She is worked to death. Every week I see a difference in her, poor child. We hoped to persuade her to go back to the shop at Weston; but if this you speak of were possible—how much better! We have never reconciled ourselves to her being in that position—never.”
“At a fabric store on Walworth Road. She's exhausted. Every week, I notice a change in her, poor girl. We hoped to convince her to return to the shop in Weston; but if what you're suggesting was possible—how much better! We've never come to terms with her being in that situation—never.”
“I see no harm in the position itself,” replied Miss Nunn in her rather blunt tone, “but I see a great deal in those outrageous hours. She won’t easily do better in London, without special qualifications; and probably she is reluctant to go back to the country.”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the position itself,” replied Miss Nunn in her rather blunt tone, “but those crazy hours are a big problem. She probably won’t find anything better in London without special qualifications; and she’s likely not eager to return to the countryside.”
“Yes, she is; very reluctant.”
“Yes, she is; really hesitant.”
“I understand it,” said the other, with a nod. “Will you ask her to come and see me?”
“I get it,” said the other, nodding. “Can you ask her to come and see me?”
A servant entered with tea. Miss Nunn caught the expression in her visitor’s eyes, and said cheerfully—
A servant walked in with tea. Miss Nunn noticed the look in her visitor's eyes and said cheerfully—
“I had no midday meal to-day, and really I feel the omission. Mary, please do put tea in the dining-room, and bring up some meat—Miss Barfoot,” she added, in explanation to Virginia, “is out of town, and I am a shockingly irregular person about meals. I am sure you will sit down with me?”
“I didn't have lunch today, and I really feel it. Mary, please set up tea in the dining room and bring up some meat—Miss Barfoot,” she added, explaining to Virginia, “is out of town, and I'm really terrible about keeping a meal schedule. I’m sure you'll join me?”
Virginia sported with the subject. Months of miserable eating and drinking in her stuffy bedroom made an invitation such as this a veritable delight to her. Seated in the dining-room, she at first refused the offer of meat, alleging her vegetarianism; but Miss Nunn, convinced that the poor woman was starving, succeeded in persuading her. A slice of good beef had much the same effect upon Virginia as her more dangerous indulgence at Charing Cross Station. She brightened wonderfully.
Virginia toyed with the idea. After months of miserable eating and drinking in her cramped bedroom, an invitation like this was a real treat for her. Seated in the dining room, she initially turned down the offer of meat, claiming she was a vegetarian; but Miss Nunn, convinced that the poor woman was starving, managed to persuade her. A slice of good beef had a similar effect on Virginia as her more dangerous indulgence at Charing Cross Station. She lit up beautifully.
“Now let us go back to the library,” said Miss Nunn, when their meal was over. “We shall soon see each other again, I hope, but we might as well talk of serious things whilst we have the opportunity. Will you allow me to be very frank with you?”
“Now let’s head back to the library,” said Miss Nunn when they finished their meal. “I hope we’ll see each other again soon, but we might as well discuss serious topics while we have the chance. Can I be completely open with you?”
The other looked startled.
The other looked surprised.
“What could you possibly say that would offend me?”
“What could you possibly say that would upset me?”
“In the old days you told me all about your circumstances. Are they still the same?”
“In the past, you shared everything about your situation with me. Is it still the same?”
“Precisely the same. Most happily, we have never needed to entrench upon our capital. Whatever happens, we must avoid that—whatever happens!”
“Exactly the same. Thankfully, we have never had to dip into our savings. No matter what happens, we must steer clear of that—no matter what happens!”
“I quite understand you. But wouldn’t it be possible to make a better use of that money? It is eight hundred pounds, I think? Have you never thought of employing it in some practical enterprise?”
“I completely understand you. But isn’t it possible to make better use of that money? It’s eight hundred pounds, right? Have you never considered investing it in some practical venture?”
Virginia at first shrank in alarm, then trembled deliciously at her friend’s bold views.
Virginia initially recoiled in surprise, then shivered excitedly at her friend’s daring opinions.
“Would it be possible? Really? You think—”
“Is that even possible? Seriously? You think—”
“I can only suggest, of course. One mustn’t argue about others from one’s own habit of thought. Heaven forbid”—this sounded rather profane to the listener—“that I should urge you to do anything you would think rash. But how much better if you could somehow secure independence.”
“I can only make suggestions, of course. One shouldn’t judge others based on their own way of thinking. God forbid”—this sounded a bit harsh to the listener—“that I would push you to do something you might find reckless. But how much better would it be if you could somehow achieve independence?”
“Ah, if we could! The very thing we were saying the other day! But how? I have no idea how.”
“Ah, if only we could! Just what we were talking about the other day! But how? I have no clue how.”
Miss Nunn seemed to hesitate.
Miss Nunn hesitated.
“I don’t advise. You mustn’t give any weight to what I say, except in so far as your own judgment approves it. But couldn’t one open a preparatory school, for instance? At Weston, suppose, where already you know a good many people. Or even at Clevedon.”
“I’m not offering advice. You shouldn’t take what I say too seriously unless it aligns with your own judgment. But what if we opened a prep school, for example? In Weston, maybe, where you already know quite a few people. Or even in Clevedon.”
Virginia drew in her breath, and it was easy for Miss Nunn to perceive that the proposal went altogether beyond her friend’s scope. Impossible, perhaps, to inspire these worn and discouraged women with a particle of her own enterprise. Perchance they altogether lacked ability to manage a school for even the youngest children. She did not press the subject; it might come up on another occasion. Virginia begged for time to think it over; then, remembering her invalid sister, felt that she must not prolong the visit.
Virginia took a deep breath, and it was clear to Miss Nunn that the proposal was completely beyond her friend’s understanding. It might be impossible to inspire these tired and discouraged women with even a small measure of her own ambition. Maybe they simply didn’t have the ability to run a school for even the youngest kids. She didn’t push the issue; it might come up another time. Virginia asked for time to think it over; then, remembering her sick sister, realized she shouldn't extend the visit.
“Do take some of these flowers,” said Miss Nunn, collecting a rich nosegay from the vases. “Let them be my message to your sister. And I should be so glad to see Monica. Sunday is a good time; I am always at home in the afternoon.”
“Please take some of these flowers,” said Miss Nunn, picking a beautiful bouquet from the vases. “Let these be my message to your sister. I would really love to see Monica. Sunday works well; I’m always home in the afternoon.”
With a fluttering heart Virginia made what haste she could homewards. The interview had filled her with a turmoil of strange new thoughts, which she was impatient to pour forth for Alice’s wondering comment. It was the first time in her life that she had spoken with a woman daring enough to think and act for herself.
With a racing heart, Virginia hurried home as fast as she could. The conversation had stirred up a whirlwind of new thoughts inside her, and she was eager to share them with Alice, who would surely be amazed. It was the first time in her life that she had talked to a woman brave enough to think and act on her own.
CHAPTER IV
MONICA’S MAJORITY
In the drapery establishment where Monica Madden worked and lived it was not (as is sometimes the case) positively forbidden to the resident employees to remain at home on Sunday; but they were strongly recommended to make the utmost possible use of that weekly vacation. Herein, no doubt, appeared a laudable regard for their health. Young people, especially young women, who are laboriously engaged in a shop for thirteen hours and a half every weekday, and on Saturday for an average of sixteen, may be supposed to need a Sabbath of open air. Messrs. Scotcher and Co. acted like conscientious men in driving them forth immediately after breakfast, and enjoining upon them not to return until bedtime. By way of well-meaning constraint, it was directed that only the very scantiest meals (plain bread and cheese, in fact) should be supplied to those who did not take advantage of the holiday.
In the drapery shop where Monica Madden worked and lived, it wasn't outright forbidden for the employees to stay home on Sunday; however, they were strongly encouraged to make the most of their weekly day off. This likely showed a genuine concern for their well-being. Young people, especially young women, who worked hard for thirteen and a half hours every weekday and around sixteen hours on Saturday, surely needed a day of fresh air. Messrs. Scotcher and Co. acted like responsible employers by sending them out right after breakfast and telling them not to come back until bedtime. To encourage this, it was decided that only the most basic meals (just bread and cheese, really) would be provided to those who chose not to enjoy the holiday.
Messrs. Scotcher and Co. were large-minded men. Not only did they insist that the Sunday ought to be used for bodily recreation, but they had no objection whatever to their young friends taking a stroll after closing-time each evening. Nay, so generous and confiding were they, that to each young person they allowed a latchkey. The air of Walworth Road is pure and invigorating about midnight; why should the reposeful ramble be hurried by consideration for weary domestics?
Messrs. Scotcher and Co. were broad-minded individuals. They believed that Sunday should be a day for physical relaxation and had no problem with their young friends taking a walk after closing time each evening. In fact, they were so generous and trusting that they gave each young person a latchkey. The air on Walworth Road is fresh and refreshing around midnight; why should a peaceful stroll be rushed just to consider tired household staff?
Monica always felt too tired to walk after ten o’clock; moreover, the usual conversation in the dormitory which she shared with five other young women was so little to her taste that she wished to be asleep when the talkers came up to bed. But on Sunday she gladly followed the counsel of her employers. If the weather were bad, the little room at Lavender Hill offered her a retreat; when the sun shone, she liked to spend a part of the day in free wandering about London, which even yet had not quite disillusioned her.
Monica always felt too tired to walk after ten o'clock; plus, the usual conversations in the dorm she shared with five other young women were not really her thing, so she preferred to be asleep when the talkers came to bed. But on Sunday, she happily took her employers' advice. If the weather was bad, the little room at Lavender Hill provided her with a refuge; when the sun was shining, she enjoyed spending part of the day wandering freely around London, which still had not completely disillusioned her.
And to-day it shone brightly. This was her birthday, the completion of her one-and-twentieth year. Alice and Virginia of course expected her early in the morning, and of course they were all to dine together—at the table measuring three feet by one and a half; but the afternoon and evening she must have to herself. The afternoon, because a few hours of her sisters’ talk invariably depressed her; and the evening, because she had an appointment to keep. As she left the big ugly “establishment” her heart beat cheerfully, and a smile fluttered about her lips. She did not feel very well, but that was a matter of course; the ride in an omnibus would perhaps make her head clearer.
And today it was shining brightly. It was her birthday, marking the end of her twenty-first year. Alice and Virginia were, of course, expecting her early in the morning, and they were all supposed to have dinner together at the table that was three feet by one and a half; but she needed the afternoon and evening to herself. The afternoon was necessary because a few hours of her sisters’ conversation always brought her down; and the evening was reserved because she had an appointment to keep. As she left the big, ugly “establishment,” her heart was light, and a smile played on her lips. She didn’t feel great, but that was just how it was; the ride on the bus might help clear her head.
Monica’s face was of a recognized type of prettiness; a pure oval; from the smooth forehead to the dimpled little chin all its lines were soft and graceful. Her lack of colour, by heightening the effect of black eyebrows and darkly lustrous eyes, gave her at present a more spiritual cast than her character justified; but a thoughtful firmness was native to her lips, and no possibility of smirk or simper lurked in the attractive features. The slim figure was well fitted in a costume of pale blue, cheap but becoming; a modest little hat rested on her black hair; her gloves and her sunshade completed the dainty picture.
Monica had a well-known type of beauty; her face was a perfect oval. From her smooth forehead to her dimpled chin, all her features were soft and graceful. The lack of color in her cheeks made her black eyebrows and dark, shiny eyes stand out, giving her a more ethereal look than her personality suggested. However, her lips had a naturally thoughtful firmness, and there was no hint of a smirk or pout in her attractive features. She had a slender figure that was nicely dressed in a light blue outfit, modest yet flattering; a simple hat rested on her black hair, and her gloves and sunshade completed the charming image.
An omnibus would be met in Kennington Park Road. On her way thither, in a quiet cross-street, she was overtaken by a young man who had left the house of business a moment after her, and had followed at a short distance timidly. A young man of unhealthy countenance, with a red pimple on the side of his nose, but not otherwise ill-looking. He was clad with propriety—stove-pipe hat, diagonal frockcoat, grey trousers, and he walked with a springy gait.
An omnibus would be waiting on Kennington Park Road. On her way there, in a quiet side street, she was caught up by a young man who had left the office just after her and had been following at a cautious distance. He was a young man with a pale face and a red pimple on the side of his nose, but otherwise not unattractive. He was dressed appropriately—stovepipe hat, diagonal frock coat, gray trousers, and he walked with a bouncy step.
“Miss Madden—”
“Ms. Madden—”
He had ventured, with perturbation in his face, to overtake Monica. She stopped.
He had nervously tried to catch up with Monica. She stopped.
“What is it, Mr. Bullivant?”
"What is it, Mr. Bullivant?"
Her tone was far from encouraging, but the young man smiled upon her with timorous tenderness.
Her tone was anything but encouraging, but the young man smiled at her with shy tenderness.
“What a beautiful morning! Are you going far?”
“What a beautiful morning! Are you traveling far?”
He had the Cockney accent, but not in an offensive degree; his manners were not flagrantly of the shop.
He had a Cockney accent, but it wasn't overly strong; his manners weren’t obviously those of a tradesman.
“Yes; some distance.” Monica walked slowly on.
“Yes; a bit further.” Monica walked slowly on.
“Will you allow me to walk a little way with you?” he pleaded, bending towards her.
“Can I walk with you for a bit?” he asked, leaning closer to her.
“I shall take the omnibus at the end of this street.”
“I'll catch the bus at the end of this street.”
They went forward together. Monica no longer smiled, but neither did she look angry. Her expression was one of trouble.
They moved ahead together. Monica wasn’t smiling anymore, but she didn’t look angry either. Her face showed signs of concern.
“Where shall you spend the day, Mr. Bullivant?” she asked at length, with an effort to seem unconcerned.
“Where will you spend the day, Mr. Bullivant?” she asked finally, trying hard to appear casual.
“I really don’t know.”
"I honestly have no idea."
“I should think it would be very nice up the river.” And she added diffidently, “Miss Eade is going to Richmond.”
“I think it would be really nice up the river.” And she added shyly, “Miss Eade is going to Richmond.”
“Is she?” he replied vaguely.
“Is she?” he responded vaguely.
“At least she wished to go—if she could find a companion.”
“At least she wanted to go—if she could find someone to go with her.”
“I hope she will enjoy herself,” said Mr. Bullivant, with careful civility.
“I hope she has a good time,” said Mr. Bullivant, with polite consideration.
“But of course she won’t enjoy it very much if she has to go alone. As you have no particular engagement, Mr. Bullivant, wouldn’t it be kind to—?”
“But she probably won’t enjoy it that much if she has to go alone. Since you don’t have any plans, Mr. Bullivant, wouldn’t it be nice to—?”
The suggestion was incomplete, but intelligible.
The suggestion was unfinished, but understandable.
“I couldn’t ask Miss Eade to let me accompany her,” said the young man gravely.
“I couldn’t ask Miss Eade to let me come with her,” said the young man seriously.
“Oh, I think you could. She would like it.”
“Oh, I think you could. She would really like it.”
Monica looked rather frightened at her boldness, and quickly added—
Monica looked a bit scared by her boldness and quickly added—
“Now I must say good-bye. There comes the bus.”
“Now I have to say goodbye. Here comes the bus.”
Bullivant turned desperately in that direction. He saw there was as yet no inside passenger.
Bullivant turned urgently in that direction. He noticed that there were still no indoor passengers.
“Do allow me to go a short way with you?” burst from his lips. “I positively don’t know how I shall spend the morning.”
“Can I walk with you for a bit?” he blurted out. “I honestly don’t know how I’m going to spend the morning.”
Monica had signalled to the driver, and was hurrying forward. Bullivant followed, reckless of consequences. In a minute both were seated within.
Monica waved to the driver and hurried ahead. Bullivant followed, ignoring the consequences. In a minute, both were inside.
“You will forgive me?” pleaded the young fellow, remarking a look of serious irritation on his companion’s face. “I must be with you a few minutes longer.”
“You will forgive me?” the young man pleaded, noticing a look of serious irritation on his friend’s face. “I need to stay with you for a few more minutes.”
“I think when I have begged you not to—”
"I think when I've asked you not to—"
“I know how bad my behaviour must seem. But, Miss Madden, may I not be on terms of friendship with you?”
“I know how awful my behavior must look. But, Miss Madden, can we be friends?”
“Of course you may—but you are not content with that.”
“Of course you can—but you’re not satisfied with that.”
“Yes—indeed—I will be content—”
“Yes—definitely—I will be content—”
“It’s foolish to say so. Haven’t you broken the understanding three or four times?”
“It’s silly to say that. Haven’t you broken the agreement three or four times?”
The bus stopped for a passenger, a man, who mounted to the top.
The bus stopped for a passenger, a man, who got on to the top.
“I am so sorry,” murmured Bullivant, as the starting horses jolted them together. “I try not to worry you. Think of my position. You have told me that there is no one else who—whose rights I ought to respect. Feeling as I do, it isn’t in human nature to give up hope!”
“I’m really sorry,” Bullivant said quietly as the starting horses jolted them together. “I try not to stress you out. Consider my situation. You’ve told me that there’s no one else whose rights I should consider. Given how I feel, it’s just not in human nature to give up hope!”
“Then will you let me ask you a rude question?”
“Can I ask you a rude question?”
“Ask me any question, Miss Madden.”
"Ask me any question, Miss Madden."
“How would it be possible for you to support a wife?”
“How could you support a wife?”
She flushed and smiled. Bullivant, dreadfully discomposed, did not move his eyes from her.
She blushed and smiled. Bullivant, feeling extremely uneasy, kept his eyes fixed on her.
“It wouldn’t be possible for some time,” he answered in a thick voice. “I have nothing but my wretched salary. But every one hopes.”
“It won’t be possible for a while,” he replied in a deep voice. “I only have my miserable salary. But everyone hopes.”
“What reasonable hope have you?” Monica urged, forcing herself to be cruel, because it seemed the only way of putting an end to this situation.
“What reasonable hope do you have?” Monica urged, pushing herself to be harsh, since it seemed like the only way to end this situation.
“Oh, there are so many opportunities in our business. I could point to half a dozen successful men who were at the counter a few years ago. I may become a walker, and get at least three pounds a week. If I were lucky enough to be taken on as a buyer, I might make—why, some make many hundreds a year—many hundreds.”
“Oh, there are so many opportunities in our business. I could name at least six successful men who were working at the counter a few years ago. I might become a salesperson and earn at least three pounds a week. If I were lucky enough to be hired as a buyer, I could make—some people earn hundreds every year—hundreds.”
“And you would ask me to wait on and on for one of these wonderful chances?”
“And you want me to keep waiting for one of these amazing opportunities?”
“If I could move your feelings, Miss Madden,” he began, with a certain dolorous dignity; but there his voice broke. He saw too plainly that the girl had neither faith in him nor liking for him.
“If I could move your feelings, Miss Madden,” he started, with a certain sad dignity; but then his voice faltered. He could clearly see that the girl had neither faith in him nor any fondness for him.
“Mr. Bullivant, I think you ought to wait until you really have prospects. If you were encouraged by some person, it would be a different thing. And indeed you haven’t to look far. But where there has never been the slightest encouragement, you are really wrong to act in this way. A long engagement, where everything remains doubtful for years, is so wretched that—oh, if I were a man, I would never try to persuade a girl into that! I think it wrong and cruel.”
“Mr. Bullivant, I think you should wait until you actually have some prospects. If someone had encouraged you, it would be a different story. And honestly, you don’t have to look very far. But when there hasn’t been any encouragement at all, you’re really making a mistake by acting like this. A long engagement, where everything stays uncertain for years, is so miserable that—oh, if I were a guy, I would never try to convince a girl to go through that! I think it’s wrong and cruel.”
The stroke was effectual. Bullivant averted his face, naturally woebegone, and sat for some minutes without speaking. The bus again drew up; four or five people were about to ascend.
The hit was effective. Bullivant turned away, looking understandably sad, and sat in silence for a few minutes. The bus pulled up again; four or five people were getting ready to board.
“I will say good-morning, Miss Madden,” he whispered hurriedly.
“I'll say good morning, Miss Madden,” he whispered quickly.
She gave her hand, glanced at him with embarrassment, and so let him depart.
She extended her hand, looked at him with embarrassment, and let him go.
Ten minutes restored the mood in which she had set out. Once more she smiled to herself. Indeed, her head was better for the fresh air and the movement. If only the sisters would allow her to get away soon after dinner!
Ten minutes lifted the mood she had started with. She smiled to herself again. In fact, the fresh air and movement had done her head good. If only her sisters would let her leave shortly after dinner!
It was Virginia who opened the door to her, and embraced and kissed her with wonted fondness.
It was Virginia who opened the door for her, and hugged and kissed her with familiar affection.
“You are nice and early! Poor Alice has been in bed since the day before yesterday; a dreadful cold and one of her very worst headaches. But I think she is a little better this morning.”
“You're nice and early! Poor Alice has been in bed since the day before yesterday with a terrible cold and one of her worst headaches. But I think she's feeling a bit better this morning.”
Alice—a sad spectacle—was propped up on pillows.
Alice—a sad sight—was propped up on pillows.
“Don’t kiss me, darling,” she said, in a voice barely audible. “You mustn’t risk getting a sore throat. How well you look!”
“Don’t kiss me, sweetheart,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “You shouldn’t risk catching a sore throat. You look great!”
“I’m afraid she doesn’t look well,” corrected Virginia; “but perhaps she has a little more colour than of late. Monica, dear, as Alice can hardly use her voice, I will speak for both of us, and wish you many, many happy returns of the day. And we ask you to accept this little book from us. It may be a comfort to you from time to time.”
“I’m afraid she doesn’t look well,” Virginia pointed out; “but maybe she has a bit more color than lately. Monica, dear, since Alice can barely speak, I’ll speak for both of us and wish you a very happy birthday. We’d like you to accept this little book from us. It might bring you some comfort from time to time.”
“You are good, kind dears!” replied Monica, kissing the one on the lips and the other on her thinly-tressed head. “It’s no use saying you oughtn’t to have spent money on me; you will always do it. What a nice “Christian Year”! I’ll do my best to read some of it now and then.”
“You're such sweethearts!” Monica said, kissing one on the lips and the other on her thin hair. “There's no point in saying you shouldn’t have spent money on me; you will always do it. What a lovely ‘Christian Year’! I’ll try to read some of it from time to time.”
With a half-guilty air, Virginia then brought from some corner of the room a very small but delicate currant cake. Monica must eat a mouthful of this; she always had such a wretched breakfast, and the journey from Walworth Road was enough to give an appetite.
With a bit of guilt, Virginia then grabbed a tiny but delicate currant cake from a corner of the room. Monica had to have a bite of this; she always had such a terrible breakfast, and the trip from Walworth Road was enough to make anyone hungry.
“But you are ruining yourselves, foolish people!”
“But you’re making a mess of things, you foolish people!”
The others exchanged a look, and smiled with such a strange air that Monica could not but notice it.
The others exchanged a glance and smiled in such a weird way that Monica couldn't help but notice.
“I know!” she cried. “There’s good news. You have found something, and better than usual Virgie.”
“I know!” she exclaimed. “I have great news. You’ve discovered something, and even better than usual, Virgie.”
“Perhaps so. Who knows? Eat your slice of cake like a good child, and then I shall have something to tell you.”
“Maybe. Who knows? Eat your piece of cake like a good kid, and then I'll have something to share with you.”
Obviously the two were excited. Virginia moved about with the recovered step of girlhood, held herself upright, and could not steady her hands.
Obviously, the two were excited. Virginia moved around with the lively step of youth, stood tall, and couldn’t keep her hands still.
“You would never guess whom I have seen,” she began, when Monica was quite ready to listen. “We had a letter the other morning which did puzzle us so—I mean the writing before we opened it. And it was from—Miss Nunn!”
“You would never guess who I saw,” she started, once Monica was fully attentive. “We got a letter the other morning that really puzzled us—I mean, the handwriting before we even opened it. And it was from—Miss Nunn!”
This name did not greatly stir Monica.
This name didn't really affect Monica much.
“You had quite lost sight of her, hadn’t you?” she remarked.
“You completely lost track of her, didn’t you?” she said.
“Quite. I didn’t suppose we should ever hear of her again. But nothing more fortunate could have happened. My dear, she is wonderful!”
“Definitely. I didn’t think we would ever hear from her again. But nothing better could have happened. My dear, she’s amazing!”
At considerable length Virginia detailed all she had learnt of Miss Nunn’s career, and described her present position.
At great length, Virginia shared everything she had learned about Miss Nunn’s career and described her current situation.
“She will be the most valuable friend to us. Oh, her strength, her resolution! The way in which she discovers the right thing to do! You are to call upon her as soon as possible. This very after noon you had better go. She will relieve you from all your troubles darling. Her friend, Miss Barfoot, will teach you typewriting, and put you in the way of earning an easy and pleasant livelihood. She will, indeed!”
“She will be the most valuable friend to us. Oh, her strength, her determination! The way she knows exactly what to do! You should reach out to her as soon as possible. You’d better go this afternoon. She will help you with all your troubles, darling. Her friend, Miss Barfoot, will teach you typing and help you find an easy and enjoyable way to make a living. She truly will!”
“But how long does it take?” asked the astonished girl.
“But how long does it take?” asked the amazed girl.
“Oh, quite a short time, I should think. We didn’t speak of details; they were postponed. You will hear everything yourself. And she suggested all sorts of ways,” pursued Virginia, with quite unintentional exaggeration, “in which we could make better use of our invested money. She is full of practical expedients. The most wonderful person! She is quite like a man in energy and resources. I never imagined that one of our sex could resolve and plan and act as she does!”
“Oh, just a little while, I guess. We didn’t go into the details; they were put off. You’ll hear everything yourself. And she came up with all sorts of ideas,” Virginia continued, with a bit of unintentional exaggeration, “about how we could make better use of our invested money. She’s full of practical solutions. The most amazing person! She’s just like a man in terms of energy and resourcefulness. I never thought one of us could be so decisive, organized, and proactive!”
Monica inquired anxiously what the projects for improving their income might be.
Monica nervously asked what the plans were to boost their income.
“Nothing is decided yet,” was the reply, given with a confident smile. “Let us first of all put you in comfort and security; that is the immediate need.”
“Nothing is decided yet,” was the reply, given with a confident smile. “Let’s first make sure you are comfortable and safe; that’s the immediate priority.”
The listener was interested, but did not show any eagerness for the change proposed. Presently she stood at the window and lost herself in thought. Alice gave signs of an inclination to doze; she had had a sleepless night, in spite of soporifics. Though no sun entered the room, it was very hot, and the presence of a third person made the air oppressive.
The listener was interested but didn't seem excited about the proposed change. Right now, she stood by the window, deep in thought. Alice showed signs that she wanted to doze off; she hadn't slept well the night before, despite taking sleeping pills. Even though no sunlight came into the room, it was really hot, and having a third person there made the air feel stifling.
“Don’t you think we might go out for half an hour?” Monica whispered, when Virginia had pointed to the invalid’s closed eves. “I’m sure it’s very unhealthy for us all to be in this little place.”
“Don’t you think we could step out for half an hour?” Monica whispered, when Virginia had pointed to the invalid’s closed eyes. “I’m sure it’s not healthy for any of us to be in this cramped space.”
“I don’t like to leave her,” the other whispered back. “But I certainly think it would be better for you to have fresh air. Wouldn’t you like to go to church, dear? The bells haven’t stopped yet.”
“I don’t want to leave her,” the other whispered back. “But I really think it would be better for you to get some fresh air. Wouldn’t you like to go to church, dear? The bells are still ringing.”
The elder sisters were not quite regular in their church-going. When weather or lassitude kept them at home on Sunday morning they read the service aloud. Monica found the duty of listening rather grievous. During the months that she was alone in London she had fallen into neglect of public worship; not from any conscious emancipation, but because her companions at the house of business never dreamt of entering a church, and their example by degrees affected her with carelessness. At present she was glad of the pretext for escaping until dinner-time.
The older sisters didn't always go to church regularly. When bad weather or tiredness kept them at home on Sunday mornings, they just read the service out loud. Monica found listening to it pretty annoying. During the months she spent alone in London, she had stopped attending church services, not because she intentionally wanted to, but because her coworkers at the office never thought about going to church, and slowly that made her careless too. Right now, she was thankful for the excuse to skip out until dinner.
She went forth with the intention of deceiving her sisters, of walking to Clapham Common, and on her return inventing some sermon at a church the others never visited. But before she had gone many yards conscience overcame her. Was she not getting to be a very lax-minded girl? And it was shameful to impose upon the two after their loving-kindness to her. As usual, her little prayer-book was in her pocket. She walked quickly to the familiar church, and reached it just as the doors were being closed.
She set out with the plan of tricking her sisters, heading to Clapham Common, and then making up some story about attending a church service that the others never went to. But after walking just a short distance, her conscience got the better of her. Was she really becoming such a careless person? It felt wrong to deceive them after all their kindness. As usual, her small prayer book was in her pocket. She hurried to the familiar church and arrived just as the doors were about to close.
Of all the congregation she probably was the one who went through the service most mechanically. Not a word reached her understanding. Sitting, standing, or on her knees, she wore the same preoccupied look, with ever and again a slight smile or a movement of the lips, as if she were recalling some conversation of special interest.
Of all the people in the congregation, she was probably the one who went through the service the most automatically. Not a single word registered with her. Whether sitting, standing, or kneeling, she had the same distracted expression, occasionally showing a slight smile or moving her lips, as if she were thinking about some particularly interesting conversation.
Last Sunday she had had an adventure, the first of any real moment that had befallen her in London. She had arranged to go with Miss Eade on a steamboat up the river. They were to meet at the Battersea Park landing-stage at half-past two. But Miss Eade did not keep her appointment, and Monica, unwilling to lose the trip, started alone.
Last Sunday, she had an adventure, the first real one she had experienced in London. She had planned to go with Miss Eade on a steamboat up the river. They were supposed to meet at the Battersea Park landing stage at 2:30 PM. But Miss Eade didn't show up, and Monica, not wanting to miss the trip, went alone.
She disembarked at Richmond and strayed about for an hour or two, then had a cup of tea and a bun. As it was still far too early to return, she went down to the riverside and seated herself on one of the benches. Many boats were going by, a majority of them containing only two persons—a young man who pulled, and a girl who held the strings of the tiller. Some of these couples Monica disregarded; but occasionally there passed a skiff from which she could not take her eyes. To lie back like that on the cushions and converse with a companion who had nothing of the shop about him!
She got off at Richmond and wandered around for an hour or two, then had a cup of tea and a bun. Since it was still way too early to head back, she went down to the riverside and sat on one of the benches. Many boats were passing by, mostly with just two people—a young man rowing and a girl steering. Monica ignored some of these couples, but there was a small boat that she just couldn't take her eyes off. Imagine lying back on those cushions and chatting with someone who wasn't all about work!
It seemed hard that she must be alone. Poor Mr. Bullivant would gladly have taken her on the river; but Mr. Bullivant—
It felt tough that she had to be alone. Poor Mr. Bullivant would have happily taken her on the river; but Mr. Bullivant—
She thought of her sisters. Their loneliness was for life, poor things. Already they were old; and they would grow older, sadder, perpetually struggling to supplement that dividend from the precious capital—and merely that they might keep alive. Oh!—her heart ached at the misery of such a prospect. How much better if the poor girls had never been born.
She thought about her sisters. Their loneliness would last a lifetime, poor things. They were already old, and they would only get older and sadder, constantly trying to make ends meet and just to stay alive. Oh!—her heart ached at the sadness of such a future. How much better it would have been if those poor girls had never been born.
Her own future was more hopeful than theirs had ever been. She knew herself good-looking. Men had followed her in the street and tried to make her acquaintance. Some of the girls with whom she lived regarded her enviously, spitefully. But had she really the least chance of marrying a man whom she could respect—not to say love?
Her future looked brighter than theirs had ever been. She knew she was attractive. Men had approached her in the street, trying to get to know her. Some of the girls she lived with looked at her with envy and resentment. But did she really have any chance of marrying a man she could respect—not to mention love?
One-and-twenty a week hence. At Weston she had kept tolerable health, but certainly her constitution was not strong, and the slavery of Walworth Road threatened her with premature decay. Her sisters counselled wisely. Coming to London was a mistake. She would have had better chances at Weston, notwithstanding the extreme discretion with which she was obliged to conduct herself.
One week from now, she would be twenty-one. In Weston, she had maintained decent health, but her body was definitely not strong, and the exhausting pace of Walworth Road was pushing her towards early decline. Her sisters offered good advice. Moving to London was a mistake. She would have had better opportunities in Weston, despite having to be extremely careful about how she acted.
While she mused thus, a profound discouragement settling on her sweet face, some one took a seat by her—on the same bench, that is to say. Glancing aside, she saw that it was an oldish man, with grizzled whiskers and rather a stern visage. Monica sighed.
While she pondered this, a deep discouragement washing over her sweet face, someone sat down next to her—on the same bench, that is. Glancing to the side, she noticed it was an older man, with gray whiskers and a somewhat stern expression. Monica sighed.
Was it possible that he had heard her? He looked this way, and with curiosity. Ashamed of herself, she kept her eyes averted for a long time. Presently, following the movement of a boat, her face turned unconsciously towards the silent companion; again he was looking at her, and he spoke. The gravity of his appearance and manner, the good-natured commonplace that fell from his lips, could not alarm her; a dialogue began, and went on for about half an hour.
Was it possible that he had heard her? He looked over with curiosity. Ashamed, she kept her eyes turned away for a long time. Eventually, following the movement of a boat, her face unconsciously turned towards her silent companion; he was looking at her again, and he spoke. The seriousness of his looks and demeanor, along with the friendly small talk that came from him, didn’t alarm her; a conversation started and continued for about half an hour.
How old might he be? After all, he was probably not fifty—perchance not much more than forty. His utterance fell short of perfect refinement, but seemed that of an educated man. And certainly his clothes were such as a gentleman wears. He had thin, hairy hands, unmarked by any effect of labour; the nails could not have been better cared for. Was it a bad sign that he carried neither gloves nor walking-stick?
How old could he be? He was probably not fifty—maybe not much older than forty. His speech wasn't perfectly refined, but it sounded like that of an educated person. And definitely, his clothes were those of a gentleman. He had thin, hairy hands that showed no signs of hard work; his nails were well-groomed. Was it a bad sign that he didn’t carry gloves or a walking stick?
His talk aimed at nothing but sober friendliness; it was perfectly inoffensive—indeed, respectful. Now and then—not too often—he fixed his eyes upon her for an instant. After the introductory phrases, he mentioned that he had had a long drive, alone; his horse was baiting in preparation for the journey back to London. He often took such drives in the summer, though generally on a weekday; the magnificent sky had tempted him out this morning. He lived at Herne Hill.
His conversation was all about genuine friendliness; it was completely harmless—actually, it was quite respectful. Every now and then—not too frequently—he glanced at her for a moment. After the opening pleasantries, he mentioned that he had taken a long drive by himself; his horse was resting in preparation for the journey back to London. He often went on such drives in the summer, usually on a weekday; the beautiful sky had lured him out this morning. He lived in Herne Hill.
At length he ventured a question. Monica affected no reluctance to tell him that she was in a house of business, that she had relatives in London, that only by chance she found herself alone to-day.
At last, he asked a question. Monica showed no hesitation in telling him that she was in a business house, that she had relatives in London, and that it was purely by chance that she found herself alone today.
“I should be sorry if I never saw you again.”
“I would be sad if I never saw you again.”
These words he uttered with embarrassment, his eyes on the ground. Monica could only keep silence. Half an hour ago she would not have thought it possible for any remark of this man’s seriously to occupy her mind, yet now she waited for the next sentence in discomposure which was quite free from resentment.
These words came out awkwardly, his gaze fixed on the ground. Monica could only remain silent. Half an hour ago, she wouldn't have believed that anything this man said could genuinely capture her attention, yet now she found herself anxiously awaiting his next sentence, feeling a discomfort that had nothing to do with anger.
“We meet in this casual way, and talk, and then say good-bye. Why mayn’t I tell you that you interest me very much, and that I am afraid to trust only to chance for another meeting? If you were a man”—he smiled—“I should give you my card, and ask you to my house. The card I may at all events offer.”
“We meet like this, chat for a bit, and then part ways. Why can’t I just say that I find you really interesting, and that I'm worried I might not get another chance to see you? If you were a man”—he smiled—“I would give you my card and invite you to my place. So, I can at least offer you my card.”
Whilst speaking, he drew out a little case, and laid a visiting-card on the bench within Monica’s reach. Murmuring her “thank you,” she took the bit of pasteboard, but did not look at it.
While speaking, he pulled out a small case and placed a business card on the bench within Monica’s reach. Mumbling her “thank you,” she picked up the piece of cardstock but didn’t look at it.
“You are on my side of the river,” he continued, still with scrupulous modesty of tone. “May I not hope to see you some day, when you are walking? All days and times are the same to me; but I am afraid it is only on Sunday that you are at leisure?”
“You're on my side of the river,” he went on, maintaining a careful tone. “Can I hope to see you one day when you're out for a walk? Every day feels the same to me, but I worry that it’s only on Sundays that you have some free time?”
“Yes, only on a Sunday.”
"Yes, just on Sundays."
It took a long time, and many circumlocutions, but in the end an appointment was made. Monica would see her acquaintance next Sunday evening on the river front of Battersea Park; if it rained, then the Sunday after. She was ashamed and confused. Other girls were constantly doing this kind of thing—other girls in business; but it seemed to put her on the level of a servant. And why had she consented? The man could never be anything to her; he was too old, too hard-featured, too grave. Well, on that very account there would be no harm in meeting him. In truth, she had not felt the courage to refuse; in a manner he had overawed her.
It took a while and a lot of talking around the issue, but finally, an appointment was set. Monica would meet her acquaintance next Sunday evening at the riverfront in Battersea Park; if it rained, then it would be the Sunday after. She felt embarrassed and confused. Other girls were always doing this kind of thing—other girls in business—but it made her feel like she was on the same level as a servant. And why had she agreed to it? The man could never mean anything to her; he was too old, too stern-looking, too serious. Well, because of that, there would be no harm in meeting him. Honestly, she just didn’t have the courage to say no; in a way, he intimidated her.
And perhaps she would not keep the engagement. Nothing compelled her. She had not told him her name, nor the house where she was employed. There was a week to think it over.
And maybe she wouldn't stick to the engagement. Nothing was forcing her. She hadn't revealed her name to him, nor the place where she worked. She had a week to think it through.
All days and times were the same to him—he said. And he drove about the country for his pleasure. A man of means. His name, according to the card, was Edmund Widdowson.
All days and times felt the same to him—he said. And he traveled around the countryside for fun. A wealthy man. His name, according to the card, was Edmund Widdowson.
He was upright in his walk, and strongly built. She noticed this as he moved away from her. Fearful lest he should turn round, her eyes glanced at his figure from moment to moment. But he did not once look back.
He walked straight and had a strong build. She noticed this as he walked away from her. Afraid he might turn around, she stole glances at him from time to time. But he never looked back.
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
“And now to God the Father.” The bustle throughout the church wakened her from reverie so complete that she knew not a syllable of the sermon. After all she must deceive her sisters by inventing a text, and perhaps a comment.
“And now to God the Father.” The activity in the church brought her back from a daydream so deep that she hadn’t heard a word of the sermon. In the end, she had to trick her sisters by coming up with a verse, and maybe even a comment.
By an arrangement with Mrs. Conisbee, dinner was down in the parlour to-day. A luxurious meal, moreover; for in her excitement Virginia had resolved to make a feast of Monica’s birthday. There was a tiny piece of salmon, a dainty cutlet, and a cold blackcurrant tart. Virginia, at home a constant vegetarian, took no share of the fish and meat—which was only enough for one person. Alice, alone upstairs, made a dinner of gruel.
By an agreement with Mrs. Conisbee, dinner was in the parlor today. It was a fancy meal, too; in her excitement, Virginia decided to throw a feast for Monica’s birthday. There was a small piece of salmon, a fancy cutlet, and a cold blackcurrant tart. Virginia, who normally ate only vegetarian at home, didn’t have any of the fish or meat—which was just enough for one person. Alice, all alone upstairs, had a dinner of gruel.
Monica was to be at Queen’s Road, Chelsea, by three o’clock. The sisters hoped she would return to Lavender Hill with her news, but that was left uncertain—by Monica herself purposely. As an amusement, she had decided to keep her promise to Mr. Edmund Widdowson. She was curious to see him again, and receive a new impression of his personality. If he behaved as inoffensively as at Richmond, acquaintance with him might be continued for the variety it brought into her life. If anything unpleasant happened, she had only to walk away. The slight, very slight, tremor of anticipation was reasonably to be prized by a shop-girl at Messrs. Scotcher’s.
Monica needed to be at Queen’s Road, Chelsea, by three o’clock. The sisters hoped she would come back to Lavender Hill with her news, but that was left uncertain—by Monica herself on purpose. For fun, she decided to keep her promise to Mr. Edmund Widdowson. She was curious to see him again and get a fresh impression of his personality. If he behaved as politely as he had in Richmond, getting to know him could continue for the variety it added to her life. If anything unpleasant happened, she could simply walk away. The slight, very slight, excitement of anticipation was something to be appreciated by a shop-girl at Messrs. Scotcher’s.
Drawing near to Queen’s Road—the wrapped-up Keble in her hand—she began to wonder whether Miss Nunn would have any serious proposal to offer. Virginia’s report and ecstatic forecasts were, she knew, not completely trustworthy; though more than ten years her sister’s junior, Monica saw the world with eyes much less disposed to magnify and colour ordinary facts.
Drawing closer to Queen’s Road—with the bundled Keble in her hand—she started to wonder if Miss Nunn would have any serious proposal to make. Virginia’s report and enthusiastic predictions weren’t, as she knew, entirely reliable; although Monica was more than ten years younger than her sister, she viewed the world with a perspective much less inclined to exaggerate and embellish ordinary facts.
Miss Barfoot was still from home. Rhoda Nunn received the visitor in a pleasant, old-fashioned drawing-room, where there was nothing costly, nothing luxurious; yet to Monica it appeared richly furnished. A sense of strangeness amid such surroundings had more to do with her constrained silence for the first few minutes than the difficulty with which she recognized in this lady before her the Miss Nunn whom she had known years ago.
Miss Barfoot was still away. Rhoda Nunn greeted the visitor in a charming, vintage drawing room, where there was nothing expensive or extravagant; yet to Monica, it seemed beautifully furnished. The feeling of unfamiliarity in such an environment contributed more to her awkward silence in the first few minutes than the struggle to see in this woman before her the Miss Nunn she had known years ago.
“I should never have known you,” said Rhoda, equally surprised. “For one thing, you look like a fever patient just recovering. What can be expected? Your sister gave me a shocking account of how you live.”
“I should never have met you,” said Rhoda, equally surprised. “For one thing, you look like someone just getting over a fever. What do you expect? Your sister gave me a shocking story about how you live.”
“The work is very hard.”
"The work is very tough."
“Preposterous. Why do you stay at such a place, Monica?”
“Ridiculous. Why do you stay at a place like this, Monica?”
“I am getting experience.”
“I’m gaining experience.”
“To be used in the next world?”
“To be used in the next world?”
They laughed.
They chuckled.
“Miss Madden is better to-day, I hope?”
“Is Miss Madden feeling better today, I hope?”
“Alice? Not much, I’m sorry to say.”
“Alice? Not much, I’m sorry to say.”
“Will you tell me something more about the “experience” you are getting? For instance, what time is given you for meals?”
“Can you tell me a bit more about the ‘experience’ you’re having? For example, what time do you get for meals?”
Rhoda Nunn was not the person to manufacture light gossip when a matter of the gravest interest waited for discussion. With a face that expressed thoughtful sympathy, she encouraged the girl to speak and confide in her.
Rhoda Nunn wasn't the type to create trivial gossip when there was something really important to talk about. With a face that showed genuine concern, she urged the girl to open up and share her thoughts with her.
“There’s twenty minutes for each meal,” Monica explained; “but at dinner and tea one is very likely to be called into the shop before finishing. If you are long away you find the table cleared.”
“There are twenty minutes for each meal,” Monica explained; “but at dinner and tea, it’s very likely you’ll be called into the shop before finishing. If you’re gone too long, you’ll find the table cleared.”
“Charming arrangement! No sitting down behind the counter, I suppose?”
“Nice setup! I guess there’s no sitting down behind the counter, right?”
“Oh, of course not. We suffer a great deal from that. Some of us get diseases. A girl has just gone to the hospital with varicose veins, and two or three others have the same thing in a less troublesome form. Sometimes, on Saturday night, I lose all feeling in my feet; I have to stamp on the floor to be sure it’s still under me.”
“Oh, definitely not. We deal with that a lot. Some of us get sick. A girl has just gone to the hospital with varicose veins, and two or three others have it in a milder form. Sometimes, on Saturday night, I lose all feeling in my feet; I have to stamp on the floor to make sure it’s still there.”
“Ah, that Saturday night!”
“Ah, that Saturday night!”
“Yes, it’s bad enough now; but at Christmas! There was a week or more of Saturday night—going on to one o’clock in the morning. A girl by me was twice carried out fainting, one night after another. They gave her brandy, and she came back again.”
“Yes, it’s pretty bad now; but at Christmas! There was over a week of Saturday night—going until one in the morning. A girl next to me was carried out fainting twice, night after night. They gave her brandy, and she came back to life.”
“They compelled her to?”
“Did they force her to?”
“Well, no, it was her own wish. Her “book of takings” wasn’t very good, poor thing, and if it didn’t come up to a certain figure at the end of the week she would lose her place. She lost it after all. They told her she was too weak. After Christmas she was lucky enough to get a place as a lady’s-maid at twenty-five pounds a year—at Scotcher’s she had fifteen. But we heard that she burst a blood-vessel, and now she’s in the hospital at Brompton.”
“Well, no, it was her own choice. Her “book of takings” wasn’t great, poor thing, and if it didn’t reach a certain amount by the end of the week, she would lose her job. In the end, she lost it anyway. They said she was too weak. After Christmas, she was fortunate enough to get a job as a lady’s maid for twenty-five pounds a year—at Scotcher’s she made fifteen. But we heard she burst a blood vessel, and now she’s in the hospital in Brompton.”
“Delightful story! Haven’t you an early-closing day?”
“Wonderful story! Don’t you have an early-closing day?”
“They had before I went there; but only for about three months. Then the agreement broke down.”
“They had it before I got there, but only for about three months. Then the agreement fell apart.”
“Like the assistants. A pity the establishment doesn’t follow suit.”
“Just like the assistants. Too bad the establishment doesn’t do the same.”
“But you wouldn’t say so, Miss Nunn, if you knew how terribly hard it is for many girls to find a place, even now.”
“But you wouldn’t say that, Miss Nunn, if you realized how incredibly difficult it is for many girls to find their place, even now.”
“I know it perfectly well. And I wish it were harder. I wish girls fell down and died of hunger in the streets, instead of creeping to their garrets and the hospitals. I should like to see their dead bodies collected together in some open place for the crowd to stare at.”
“I know it perfectly well. And I wish it were harder. I wish girls collapsed and died from hunger in the streets, instead of sneaking up to their rooms and the hospitals. I would like to see their lifeless bodies gathered together in some public place for everyone to gawk at.”
Monica gazed at her with wide eyes.
Monica stared at her with wide eyes.
“You mean, I suppose, that people would try to reform things.”
"You mean, I guess, that people would try to make changes."
“Who knows? Perhaps they might only congratulate each other that a few of the superfluous females had been struck off. Do they give you any summer holiday?”
“Who knows? Maybe they'll just congratulate each other that a few of the unnecessary women have been eliminated. Do they give you any summer vacation?”
“A week, with salary continued.”
“A week, with pay continued.”
“Really? With salary continued? That takes one’s breath away.—Are many of the girls ladies?”
“Really? With a continued salary? That’s surprising. —Are many of the girls actually ladies?”
“None, at Scotcher’s. They nearly all come from the country. Several are daughters of small farmers and those are dreadfully ignorant. One of them asked me the other day in what country Africa was.”
“None, at Scotcher’s. They almost all come from the countryside. Several are daughters of small farmers, and they are really quite uninformed. One of them asked me the other day which country Africa is in.”
“You don’t find them very pleasant company?”
"You don't think they're very good company?"
“One or two are nice quiet girls.”
“One or two are nice, quiet girls.”
Rhoda drew a deep sigh, and moved with impatience.
Rhoda let out a deep sigh and moved restlessly.
“Well, don’t you think you’ve had about enough of it—experience and all?”
“Well, don’t you think you’ve had quite enough of it—experience and all?”
“I might go into a country business: it would be easier.”
“I might start a business in the country: it would be simpler.”
“But you don’t care for the thought?”
“But you don't care about the thought?”
“I wish now they had brought me up to something different. Alice and Virginia were afraid of having me trained for a school; you remember that one of our sisters who went through it died of overwork. And I’m not clever, Miss Nunn. I never did much at school.”
“I wish they had raised me to be something different. Alice and Virginia were worried about me being trained for a school; you remember that one of our sisters who went through it died from overwork. And I’m not smart, Miss Nunn. I never did very well in school.”
Rhoda regarded her, smiling gently.
Rhoda smiled gently at her.
“You have no inclination to study now?”
“You're not interested in studying right now?”
“I’m afraid not,” replied the other, looking away. “Certainly I should like to be better educated, but I don’t think I could study seriously, to earn my living by it. The time for that has gone by.”
“I’m afraid not,” replied the other, looking away. “Sure, I’d like to be better educated, but I don’t think I could study seriously to make a living from it. That opportunity has passed.”
“Perhaps so. But there are things you might manage. No doubt your sister told you how I get my living. There’s a good deal of employment for women who learn to use a typewriter. Did you ever have piano lessons?”
“Maybe. But there are things you could handle. I'm sure your sister mentioned how I make my living. There’s a lot of job opportunities for women who know how to use a typewriter. Did you ever take piano lessons?”
“No.”
“No.”
“No more did I, and I was sorry for it when I went to typewriting. The fingers have to be light and supple and quick. Come with me, and I’ll show you one of the machines.”
“No more did I, and I regretted it when I went to typing class. The fingers need to be light, flexible, and fast. Come with me, and I’ll show you one of the machines.”
They went to a room downstairs—a bare little room by the library. Here were two Remingtons, and Rhoda patiently explained their use.
They went to a small room downstairs—a plain little room next to the library. There were two Remingtons, and Rhoda explained how to use them patiently.
“One must practise until one can do fifty words a minute at least. I know one or two people who have reached almost twice that speed. It takes a good six months’ work to learn for any profitable use. Miss Barfoot takes pupils.”
“One must practice until one can type at least fifty words a minute. I know a couple of people who have nearly doubled that speed. It takes about six months of work to learn for any practical use. Miss Barfoot takes students.”
Monica, at first very attentive, was growing absent. Her eyes wandered about the room. The other observed her closely, and, it seemed, doubtfully.
Monica, who had been very attentive at first, was starting to lose focus. Her eyes roamed around the room. The others watched her carefully and, it seemed, with some uncertainty.
“Do you feel any impulse to try for it?”
“Do you feel like you want to go for it?”
“I should have to live for six months without earning anything.”
“I would have to go six months without making any money.”
“That is by no means impossible for you, I think?”
"That's definitely possible for you, right?"
“Not really impossible,” Monica replied with hesitation.
“Not really impossible,” Monica said, hesitating.
Something like dissatisfaction passed over Miss Nunn’s face, though she did not allow Monica to see it. Her lips moved in a way that perhaps signified disdain for such timidity. Tolerance was not one of the virtues expressed in her physiognomy.
Something like dissatisfaction crossed Miss Nunn’s face, but she didn’t let Monica notice it. Her lips moved in a way that might have shown disdain for such timidity. Tolerance wasn’t one of the virtues reflected in her expression.
“Let us go back to the drawing-room and have some tea.”
“Let’s head back to the living room and have some tea.”
Monica could not become quite at ease. This energetic woman had little attraction for her. She saw the characteristics which made Virginia enthusiastic, but feared rather than admired them. To put herself in Miss Nunn’s hands might possibly result in a worse form of bondage than she suffered at the shop; she would never be able to please such a person, and failure, she imagined, would result in more or less contemptuous dismissal.
Monica couldn't relax at all. This vibrant woman didn't appeal to her much. She recognized the traits that made Virginia so lively, but she was more intimidated by them than anything else. Putting herself in Miss Nunn’s care could lead to a worse kind of confinement than what she experienced at the shop; she felt she would never be able to satisfy someone like her, and she imagined that failing would lead to a dismissive rejection.
Then of a sudden, as it she had divined these thoughts, Rhoda assumed an air of gaiety of frank kindness.
Then suddenly, as if she had sensed these thoughts, Rhoda took on an air of cheerfulness and genuine kindness.
“So it is your birthday? I no longer keep count of mine, and couldn’t tell you without a calculation what I am exactly. It doesn’t matter, you see. Thirty-one or fifty-one is much the same for a woman who has made up her mind to live alone and work steadily for a definite object. But you are still a young girl, Monica. My best wishes!”
“So it's your birthday? I’ve lost track of my own and couldn't tell you exactly how old I am without doing some math. But it doesn’t really matter, you know. Thirty-one or fifty-one is pretty much the same for a woman who's decided to live independently and focus on her goals. But you’re still a young girl, Monica. Wishing you all the best!”
Monica emboldened herself to ask what the object was for which her friend worked.
Monica gathered her courage to ask what the object was that her friend was working on.
“How shall I put it?” replied the other, smiling. “To make women hard-hearted.”
“How should I say this?” replied the other, smiling. “To make women cold-hearted.”
“Hard-hearted? I think I understand.”
"Cold-hearted? I think I get it."
“Do you?”
"Do you?"
“You mean that you like to see them live unmarried.”
“You mean that you like to see them living together without being married.”
Rhoda laughed merrily.
Rhoda laughed happily.
“You say that almost with resentment.”
"You say that almost like you're upset."
“No—indeed—I didn’t intend it.”
"No, I didn’t mean to."
Monica reddened a little.
Monica blushed slightly.
“Nothing more natural if you have done. At your age, I should have resented it.”
“Nothing could be more natural if you did. At your age, I would have felt the same way.”
“But—” the girl hesitated—“don’t you approve of any one marrying?”
“But—” the girl hesitated—“don’t you approve of anyone getting married?”
“Oh, I’m not so severe! But do you know that there are half a million more women than men in this happy country of ours?”
“Oh, I’m not that strict! But did you know there are half a million more women than men in this happy country of ours?”
“Half a million!”
“500,000!”
Her naive alarm again excited Rhoda to laughter.
Her innocent concern made Rhoda laugh again.
“Something like that, they say. So many odd women—no making a pair with them. The pessimists call them useless, lost, futile lives. I, naturally—being one of them myself—take another view. I look upon them as a great reserve. When one woman vanishes in matrimony, the reserve offers a substitute for the world’s work. True, they are not all trained yet—far from it. I want to help in that—to train the reserve.”
“Something like that, they say. So many strange women—impossible to match with them. The pessimists call them useless, lost, and pointless lives. I, of course—being one of them myself—see it differently. I view them as a valuable resource. When one woman disappears into marriage, the resource provides a replacement for the world’s work. True, they aren’t all trained yet—far from it. I want to help with that—to train the resource.”
“But married woman are not idle,” protested Monica earnestly.
“But married women are not idle,” protested Monica earnestly.
“Not all of them. Some cook and rock cradles.”
“Not all of them. Some cook and rock babies.”
Again Miss Nunn’s mood changed. She laughed the subject away, and abruptly began to talk of old days down in Somerset, of rambles about Cheddar Cliffs, or at Glastonbury, or on the Quantocks. Monica, however, could not listen, and with difficulty commanded her face to a pleasant smile.
Again, Miss Nunn’s mood shifted. She laughed off the topic and suddenly started reminiscing about the old days in Somerset, discussing walks around Cheddar Cliffs, or Glastonbury, or the Quantocks. However, Monica couldn’t pay attention and struggled to keep a friendly smile on her face.
“Will you come and see Miss Barfoot?” Rhoda asked, when it had become clear to her that the girl would gladly get away. “I am only her subordinate, but I know she will wish to be of all the use to you she can.”
“Will you come and see Miss Barfoot?” Rhoda asked, realizing that the girl would be eager to leave. “I’m just her assistant, but I know she’ll want to help you in any way she can.”
Monica expressed her thanks, and promised to act as soon as possible on any invitation that was sent her. She took leave just as the servant announced another caller.
Monica thanked him and promised to respond as soon as possible to any invitation she received. She said her goodbyes just as the servant announced another visitor.
CHAPTER V
THE CASUAL ACQUAINTANCE
At that corner of Battersea Park which is near Albert Bridge there has lain for more than twenty years a curious collection of architectural fragments, chiefly dismembered columns, spread in order upon the ground, and looking like portions of a razed temple. It is the colonnade of old Burlington House, conveyed hither from Piccadilly who knows why, and likely to rest here, the sporting ground for adventurous infants, until its origin is lost in the abyss of time.
At that corner of Battersea Park near Albert Bridge, there has been a strange collection of architectural fragments for over twenty years. Mostly dismembered columns are laid out on the ground, resembling parts of a demolished temple. This is the colonnade of the old Burlington House, transported here from Piccadilly for reasons unknown, and it will probably remain here as a playground for adventurous kids until no one remembers where it came from.
It was at this spot that Monica had agreed to meet with her casual acquaintance, Edmund Widdowson, and there, from a distance, she saw his lank, upright, well-dressed figure moving backwards and forwards upon the grass. Even at the last moment Monica doubted whether to approach. Emotional interest in him she had none, and the knowledge of life she had gained in London assured her that in thus encouraging a perfect stranger she was doing a very hazardous thing. But the evening must somehow be spent, and if she went off in another direction it would only be to wander about with an adventurous mind; for her conversation with Miss Nunn had had precisely the opposite effect of that which Rhoda doubtless intended; she felt something of the recklessness which formerly excited her wonder when she remarked it in the other shop-girls. She could no longer be without a male companion, and as she had given her promise to this man—
It was at this spot that Monica had agreed to meet her casual acquaintance, Edmund Widdowson, and there, from a distance, she saw his tall, slender, well-dressed figure moving back and forth on the grass. Even at the last minute, Monica hesitated about approaching him. She had no emotional interest in him, and her experiences in London made her realize that encouraging a complete stranger was a risky move. But she had to make the evening work somehow, and if she went off in another direction, it would just mean wandering around with a restless mind; her conversation with Miss Nunn had completely had the opposite effect of what Rhoda probably intended. She felt a bit of the recklessness that used to fascinate her when she saw it in other shop girls. She could no longer do without a male companion, and since she had promised this man—
He had seen her, and was coming forward. To-day he carried a walking-stick, and wore gloves; otherwise his appearance was the same as at Richmond. At the distance of a few yards he raised his hat, not very gracefully. Monica did not offer her hand, nor did Widdowson seem to expect it. But he gave proof of an intense pleasure in the meeting; his sallow cheeks grew warm, and in the many wrinkles about his eyes played a singular smile, good-natured but anxious, apprehensive.
He had spotted her and was approaching. Today, he carried a walking stick and wore gloves; apart from that, he looked just like he did in Richmond. A few yards away, he lifted his hat, though not very smoothly. Monica didn’t extend her hand, and Widdowson didn’t seem to expect it. Yet, he showed clear joy at the encounter; his pale cheeks flushed, and a peculiar smile flickered in the many wrinkles around his eyes—friendly but nervous, uneasy.
“I am so glad you were able to come,” he said in a low voice, bending towards her.
“I’m really glad you could come,” he said quietly, leaning toward her.
“It has been even finer than last Sunday,” was Monica’s rather vague reply, as she glanced at some people who were passing.
“It’s been even better than last Sunday,” Monica replied somewhat vaguely, glancing at some people walking by.
“Yes, a wonderful day. But I only left home an hour ago. Shall we walk this way?”
“Yes, it’s a beautiful day. But I only left home an hour ago. Should we walk this way?”
They went along the path by the river. Widdowson exhibited none of the artifices of gallantry practised by men who are in the habit of picking up an acquaintance with shop-girls. His smile did not return; an extreme sobriety characterized his manner and speech; for the most part he kept his eyes on the ground, and when silent he had the look of one who inwardly debates a grave question.
They walked along the path by the river. Widdowson didn’t show any of the flirty tricks that guys often use when trying to get to know shop girls. He didn’t smile; he seemed very serious in his behavior and speech. Mostly, he looked at the ground, and when he was quiet, he looked like he was deeply pondering something important.
“Have you been into the country?” was one of his first inquiries.
“Have you been out to the countryside?” was one of his first questions.
“No. I spent the morning with my sisters, and in the afternoon I had to see a lady in Chelsea.”
“No. I spent the morning with my sisters, and in the afternoon I had to meet a woman in Chelsea.”
“Your sisters are older than yourself?”
“Are your sisters older than you?”
“Yes, some years older.”
"Yeah, a few years older."
“Is it long since you went to live apart from them?”
“Has it been a while since you started living apart from them?”
“We have never had a home of our own since I was quite a child.”
“We’ve never had a home of our own since I was really little.”
And, after a moment’s hesitation, she went on to give a brief account of her history. Widdowson listened with the closest attention, his lips twitching now and then, his eyes half closed. But for cheek-bones that were too prominent and nostrils rather too large, he was not ill-featured. No particular force of character declared itself in his countenance, and his mode of speech did not suggest a very active brain. Speculating again about his age, Monica concluded that he must be two or three and forty, in spite of the fact that his grizzled beard argued for a higher figure. He had brown hair untouched by any sign of advanced life, his teeth were white and regular, and something—she could not make clear to her mind exactly what—convinced her that he had a right to judge himself comparatively young.
And, after a moment of hesitation, she continued to share a brief account of her history. Widdowson listened intently, his lips twitching occasionally and his eyes half closed. Aside from having prominent cheekbones and somewhat large nostrils, he wasn't unattractive. There wasn't any particular force of character visible in his face, and his way of speaking didn't suggest a very active mind. Thinking again about his age, Monica guessed he was around two or three years older than forty, even though his gray beard hinted at an older age. His brown hair showed no signs of graying, his teeth were white and straight, and something—she couldn't quite pinpoint what—led her to feel he had a right to consider himself relatively young.
“I supposed you were not a Londoner,” he said, when she came to a pause.
“I figured you weren't from London,” he said, when she stopped speaking.
“How?”
“How?”
“Your speech. Not,” he added quickly, “that you have any provincial accent. And even if you had been a Londoner you would not have shown it in that way.”
"Your speech. Not," he quickly added, "that you have any regional accent. And even if you had been from London, you wouldn’t have displayed it like that."
He seemed to be reproving himself for a blunder, and after a short silence asked in a tone of kindness,—
He looked like he was scolding himself for a mistake, and after a brief pause, he asked gently,—
“Do you prefer the town?”
“Do you like the town?”
“In some ways—not in all.”
"In some ways, not all."
“I am glad you have relatives here, and friends. So many young ladies come up from the country who are quite alone.”
“I’m glad you have family and friends here. So many young women come from the countryside and are completely on their own.”
“Yes, many.”
"Yes, a lot."
Their progress to familiarity could hardly have been slower. Now and then they spoke with a formal coldness which threatened absolute silence. Monica’s brain was so actively at work that she lost consciousness of the people who were moving about them, and at times her companion was scarcely more to her than a voice.
Their progress toward familiarity could hardly have been slower. Occasionally, they communicated with a formal coldness that almost led to complete silence. Monica’s mind was so engaged that she became oblivious to the people around them, and at times her companion was barely more than just a voice to her.
They had walked along the whole front of the park, and were near Chelsea Bridge. Widdowson gazed at the pleasure-boats lying below on the strand, and said diffidently,—
They had walked along the entire front of the park and were close to Chelsea Bridge. Widdowson stared at the pleasure boats resting below on the shore and said hesitantly, —
“Would you care to go on the river?”
“Would you like to go on the river?”
The proposal was so unexpected that Monica looked up with a startled air. She had not thought of the man as likely to offer any kind of amusement.
The proposal was so surprising that Monica looked up with a shocked expression. She hadn't considered the man likely to provide any form of entertainment.
“It would be pleasant, I think,” he added. “The tide is still running up. We might go very quietly for a mile or two, and be back as soon as you like.”
“It would be nice, I think,” he added. “The tide is still coming in. We could go very quietly for a mile or two, and be back whenever you want.”
“Yes, I should like it.”
“Yeah, I’d like that.”
He brightened up, and moved with a livelier step. In a few minutes they had chosen their boat, had pushed off, and were gliding to the middle of the broad water. Widdowson managed the sculls without awkwardness, but by no means like a man well trained in this form of exercise. On sitting down, he had taken off his hat, stowed it away, and put on a little travelling-cap, which he drew from his pocket. Monica thought this became him. After all, he was not a companion to be ashamed of. She looked with pleasure at his white hairy hands with their firm grip; then at his boots—very good boots indeed. He had gold links in his white shirt-cuffs, and a gold watch-guard chosen with a gentleman’s taste.
He perked up and walked off with a more energetic stride. In just a few minutes, they had picked their boat, pushed off, and were gliding to the center of the wide water. Widdowson handled the oars without any clumsiness, but certainly not like someone highly skilled at this activity. When he sat down, he took off his hat, put it away, and pulled out a small traveling cap from his pocket. Monica thought it suited him well. After all, he was not someone to be embarrassed about. She admired his white, hairy hands with their strong grip; then she looked at his boots—very nice boots, indeed. He had gold cuff links on his white shirt cuffs and a gold watch chain selected with a gentleman’s taste.
“I am at your service,” he said, with an approach to gaiety. “Direct me. Shall we go quickly—some distance, or only just a little quicker than the tide would float us?”
“I’m here to help,” he said, somewhat cheerfully. “Just tell me what to do. Should we hurry a bit—do you want to go far, or just a little faster than the tide would carry us?”
“Which you like. To row much would make you too hot.”
“Which you prefer. Rowing too much would make you too hot.”
“You would like to go some distance—I see.”
"You want to go a bit further—I get it."
“No, no. Do exactly what you like. Of course we must be back in an hour or two.”
“No, no. Do whatever you want. We just need to be back in an hour or two.”
He drew out his watch.
He pulled out his watch.
“It’s now ten minutes past six, and there is daylight till nine or after. When do you wish to be home?”
“It’s now ten minutes after six, and there’s daylight until nine or later. When do you want to be home?”
“Not much later than nine,” Monica answered, with the insincerity of prudence.
“Not long after nine,” Monica replied, with a hint of insincerity.
“Then we will just go quietly along. I wish we could have started early in the afternoon. But that may be for another day, I hope.”
“Then we’ll just go along quietly. I wish we could have started earlier in the afternoon. But hopefully, that can happen another day.”
On her lap Monica had the little brown-paper parcel which contained her present. She saw that Widdowson glanced at it from time to time, but she could not bring herself to explain what it was.
On her lap, Monica had the small brown paper package that held her gift. She noticed Widdowson looking at it occasionally, but she couldn't bring herself to explain what it was.
“I was very much afraid that I should not see you to-day,” he said, as they glided softly by Chelsea Embankment.
“I was really worried that I wouldn’t get to see you today,” he said, as they smoothly passed by Chelsea Embankment.
“But I promised to come if it was fine.”
“But I promised I would come if it was nice.”
“Yes. I feared something might prevent you. You are very kind to give me your company.” He was looking at the tips of her little boots. “I can’t say how I thank you.”
“Yes. I was worried something might keep you from coming. You're really nice to spend time with me.” He was staring at the tips of her little boots. “I can't express how grateful I am.”
Much embarrassed, Monica could only gaze at one of the sculls, as it rose and fell, the water dripping from it in bright beads.
Much embarrassed, Monica could only stare at one of the skulls as it bobbed up and down, water dripping from it in bright beads.
“Last year,” he pursued, “I went on the river two or three times, but alone. This year I haven’t been in a boat till to-day.”
“Last year,” he continued, “I went on the river two or three times, but I was alone. This year, I haven't been in a boat until today.”
“You prefer driving?”
"Do you prefer driving?"
“Oh, it’s only chance. I do drive a good deal, however. I wish it were possible to take you through the splendid country I saw a day or two ago—down in Surrey. Perhaps some day you will let me. I live rather a lonely life, as you see. I have a housekeeper; no relative lives with me. My only relative in London is a sister-in-law, and we very seldom meet.”
“Oh, it’s just luck. I do drive a lot, though. I wish I could show you the beautiful countryside I saw a day or two ago—down in Surrey. Maybe one day you’ll let me. I live a pretty lonely life, as you can tell. I have a housekeeper; no family lives with me. My only relative in London is a sister-in-law, and we hardly ever see each other.”
“But don’t you employ yourself in any way?”
“But don’t you keep yourself busy in any way?”
“I’m very idle. But that’s partly because I have worked very hard and hopelessly all my life—till a year and a half ago. I began to earn my own living when I was fourteen, and now I am forty-four—to-day.”
“This is your birthday?” said Monica, with an odd look the other could not understand.
“This is your birthday?” Monica asked, giving the other person a strange look that they couldn't make sense of.
“Yes—I only remembered it a few hours ago. Strange that such a treat should have been provided for me. Yes, I am very idle. A year and a half ago my only brother died. He had been very successful in life, and he left me what I regard as a fortune, though it was only a small part of what he had.”
“Yeah—I just remembered it a few hours ago. It's weird that such a gift was given to me. Yes, I am really lazy. A year and a half ago, my only brother passed away. He was very successful in life, and he left me what I consider a fortune, even though it was just a small part of what he had.”
The listener’s heart throbbed. Without intending it, she pulled the tiller so that the boat began to turn towards land.
The listener's heart raced. Without meaning to, she pulled the tiller, causing the boat to start turning toward the shore.
“The left hand a little,” said Widdowson, smiling correctly. “That’s right. Many days I don’t leave home. I am fond of reading, and now I make up for all the time lost in years gone by. Do you care for books?”
“The left hand a little,” said Widdowson, smiling rightly. “That’s right. Many days I don’t leave home. I enjoy reading, and now I make up for all the time I lost over the years. Do you like books?”
“I never read very much, and I feel very ignorant.”
“I’ve never read much, and I feel really ignorant.”
“But that is only for want of opportunity, I’m sure.”
“But that's just because of a lack of opportunity, I'm sure.”
He glanced at the brown-paper parcel. Acting on an impulse which perturbed her, Monica began to slip off the loosely-tied string, and to unfold the paper.
He looked at the brown-paper package. Acting on an impulse that unsettled her, Monica started to untie the loosely tied string and unfold the paper.
“I thought it was a book!” exclaimed Widdowson merrily, when she had revealed a part of her present.
“I thought it was a book!” Widdowson exclaimed happily when she had unwrapped part of her gift.
“When you told me your name,” said Monica, “I ought perhaps to have told you mine. It’s written here. My sisters gave me this to-day.”
“When you told me your name,” Monica said, “I should have probably told you mine. It’s written here. My sisters gave me this today.”
She offered the little volume. He took it as though it were something fragile, and—the sculls fixed under his elbows—turned to the fly-leaf.
She handed him the small book. He took it carefully, as if it were delicate, and—with the oars secured under his elbows—flipped to the flyleaf.
“What? It is your birthday?”
“What? It’s your birthday?”
“Yes. I am twenty-one.”
"Yes. I'm twenty-one."
“Will you let me shake hands with you?” His pressure of her fingers was the lightest possible. “Now that’s rather a strange thing—isn’t it? Oh, I remember this book very well, though I haven’t seen it or heard of it for twenty years. My mother used to read it on Sundays. And it is really your birthday? I am more than twice your age, Miss Madden.”
“Can I shake your hand?” He held her fingers with the lightest touch. “That’s kind of a strange thing, right? Oh, I remember this book really well, even though I haven't seen or heard of it in twenty years. My mom used to read it on Sundays. And it’s really your birthday? I’m more than twice your age, Miss Madden.”
The last remark was uttered anxiously, mournfully. Then, as if to reassure himself by exerting physical strength, he drove the boat along with half a dozen vigorous strokes. Monica was rustling over the pages, but without seeing them.
The last comment was made anxiously and sadly. Then, as if to calm himself by using his physical strength, he rowed the boat with a few strong strokes. Monica was flipping through the pages, but she wasn’t actually seeing them.
“I don’t think,” said her companion presently, “you are very well contented with your life in that house of business.”
“I don’t think,” her companion said after a moment, “that you are very satisfied with your life in that place of work.”
“No, I am not.”
"No, I'm not."
“I have heard a good deal of the hardships of such a life. Will you tell me something about yours?”
“I’ve heard a lot about the difficulties of that kind of life. Can you share some details about yours?”
Readily she gave him a sketch of her existence from Sunday to Sunday, but without indignation, and as if the subject had no great interest for her.
She easily shared a snapshot of her life from Sunday to Sunday, but without any anger, as if the topic didn’t really matter to her.
“You must be very strong,” was Widdowson’s comment.
“You must be really strong,” was Widdowson’s comment.
“The lady I went to see this afternoon told me I looked ill.”
“The woman I visited this afternoon said I looked sick.”
“Of course I can see the effects of overwork. My wonder is that you endure it at all. Is that lady an old acquaintance?”
“Of course I can see the effects of overwork. What surprises me is that you put up with it at all. Is that woman an old friend?”
Monica answered with all necessary detail, and went on to mention the proposal that had been made to her. The hearer reflected, and put further questions. Unwilling to speak of the little capital she possessed, Monica told him that her sisters might perhaps help her to live whilst she was learning a new occupation. But Widdowson had become abstracted; he ceased pulling, crossed his arms on the oars, and watched other boats that were near. Two deep wrinkles, rippling in their course, had formed across his forehead, and his eyes widened in a gaze of complete abstraction at the farther shore.
Monica responded with all the necessary details and went on to mention the proposal that had been made to her. The listener thought for a moment and asked more questions. Not wanting to talk about the small amount of money she had, Monica said her sisters might be able to help her live while she learned a new skill. But Widdowson had become distracted; he stopped rowing, crossed his arms on the oars, and focused on the other boats nearby. Two deep wrinkles formed across his forehead, and his eyes widened as he stared blankly at the distant shore.
“Yes,” fell from him at length, as though in continuation of something he had been saying, “I began to earn my bread when I was fourteen. My father was an auctioneer at Brighton. A few years after his marriage he had a bad illness, which left him completely deaf. His partnership with another man was dissolved, and as things went worse and worse with him, my mother started a lodging-house, which somehow supported us for a long time. She was a sensible, good, and brave woman. I’m afraid my father had a good many faults that made her life hard. He was of a violent temper, and of course the deafness didn’t improve it. Well, one day a cab knocked him down in the King’s Road, and from that injury, though not until a year after, he died. There were only two children; I was the elder. My mother couldn’t keep me at school very long, so, at fourteen, I was sent into the office of the man who had been my father’s partner, to serve him and learn the business. I did serve him for years, and for next to no payment, but he taught me nothing more than he could help. He was one of those heartless, utterly selfish men that one meets too often in the business world. I ought never to have been sent there, for my father had always an ill opinion of him; but he pretended a friendly interest in me—just, I am convinced, to make the use of me that he did.”
“Yes,” he said finally, as if continuing a previous thought, “I started earning my living when I was fourteen. My dad was an auctioneer in Brighton. A few years after he got married, he got really sick, which left him completely deaf. His partnership with another man ended, and as things got worse for him, my mom opened a boarding house, which somehow kept us afloat for a long time. She was a sensible, good, and brave woman. I’m afraid my dad had quite a few flaws that made her life difficult. He had a short temper, and of course, the deafness didn’t help. One day, a cab ran him over in King’s Road, and from that injury, he died a year later. We were only two kids; I was the older one. My mom couldn’t keep me in school for long, so at fourteen, I was sent to work in the office of the man who had been my dad’s partner, to serve him and learn the business. I did work for him for years, for almost no pay, but he taught me nothing if he could avoid it. He was one of those heartless, completely selfish men you come across too often in the business world. I should never have been sent there, as my dad always had a bad opinion of him; but he pretended to take an interest in me—just, I’m sure, to take advantage of me.”
He was silent, and began rowing again.
He stayed quiet and started rowing again.
“What happened them?” asked Monica.
"What happened to them?" asked Monica.
“I mustn’t make out that I was a faultless boy,” he continued, with the smile that graved wrinkles about his eyes; “quite the opposite. I had a good deal of my father’s temper; I often behaved very badly to my mother; what I needed was some stern but conscientious man to look after me and make me work. In my spare time I lay about on the shore, or got into mischief with other boys. It needed my mother’s death to make a more sensible fellow of me, and by that time it was too late. I mean I was too old to be trained into profitable business habits. Up to nineteen I had been little more than an errand and office boy, and all through the after years I never got a much better position.”
“I can’t pretend I was a perfect kid,” he continued, with a smile that creased his eyes; “far from it. I had a lot of my dad’s temperament; I often treated my mom poorly; what I really needed was a strict but caring guy to keep me in line and make me work. In my free time, I lounged around on the shore or got into trouble with other boys. It took my mother’s death for me to become a more sensible person, and by then, it was too late. I mean, I was too old to develop good business habits. Until I was nineteen, I had been little more than a messenger and office boy, and throughout the following years, I never really moved up.”
“I can’t understand that,” remarked Monica thoughtfully.
“I can’t wrap my head around that,” Monica said thoughtfully.
“Why not?”
"Why not?"
“You seem to—to be the kind of man that would make your way.”
“You seem to be the kind of guy who would find his path.”
“Do I?” The description pleased him; he laughed cheerfully. “But I never found what my way was to be. I have always hated office work, and business of every kind; yet I could never see an opening in any other direction. I have been all my life a clerk—like so many thousands of other men. Nowadays, if I happen to be in the City when all the clerks are coming away from business, I feel an inexpressible pity for them. I feel I should like to find two or three of the hardest driven, and just divide my superfluous income between. A clerk’s life—a life of the office without any hope of rising—that is a hideous fate!”
“Do I?” The description made him happy; he laughed heartily. “But I've never figured out what my path should be. I've always hated office work and business of any kind; yet I could never see any other options. I've spent my entire life as a clerk—just like so many thousands of other men. Nowadays, if I'm in the City when all the clerks are leaving work, I feel an overwhelming pity for them. I wish I could find two or three of the hardest-working ones and just share my extra income with them. A clerk’s life—a life spent in the office without any chance of advancement—that's a terrible fate!”
“But your brother got on well. Why didn’t he help you?”
“But your brother did well. Why didn’t he help you?”
“We couldn’t agree. We always quarrelled.”
“We couldn’t agree. We always argued.”
“Are you really so ill-tempered?”
“Are you really that irritable?”
It was asked in Monica’s most naive tone, with a serious air of investigation which at first confused Widdowson, then made him laugh.
It was asked in Monica’s most innocent tone, with a serious vibe of inquiry that initially puzzled Widdowson, then made him laugh.
“Since I was a lad,” he replied, “I have never quarrelled with any one except my brother. I think it’s only very unreasonable people that irritate me. Some men have told me that I was far too easy-going, too good-natured. Certainly I desire to be good-natured. But I don’t easily make friends; as a rule I can’t talk to strangers. I keep so much to myself that those who know me only a little think me surly and unsociable.”
“Since I was a kid,” he replied, “I’ve never fought with anyone except my brother. I think it’s only really unreasonable people that get on my nerves. Some guys have told me that I’m way too easy-going and too nice. I definitely want to be nice. But I don’t make friends easily; generally, I have a hard time talking to strangers. I keep to myself so much that people who don’t know me well think I’m grumpy and unfriendly.”
“So your brother always refused to help you?”
“So your brother always said no to helping you?”
“It wasn’t easy for him to help me. He got into a stockbroker’s, and went on step by step until he had saved a little money; then he speculated in all sorts of ways. He couldn’t employ me himself—and if he could have done so, we should never have got on together. It was impossible for him to recommend me to any one except as a clerk. He was a born money-maker. I’ll give you an example of how he grew rich. In consequence of some mortgage business he came into possession of a field at Clapham. As late as 1875 this field brought him only a rent of forty pounds; it was freehold property, and he refused many offers of purchase. Well, in 1885, the year before he died, the ground-rents from that field—now covered with houses—were seven hundred and ninety pounds a year. That’s how men get on who have capital and know how to use it. If I had had capital, it would never have yielded me more than three or four per cent. I was doomed to work for other people who were growing rich. It doesn’t matter much now, except that so many years of life have been lost.”
“It wasn’t easy for him to help me. He started as a stockbroker and gradually saved some money; then he tried various investments. He couldn’t hire me himself—and even if he could have, we wouldn’t have gotten along. It was impossible for him to recommend me to anyone except as a clerk. He was a natural at making money. Here’s an example of how he got rich. Because of some mortgage dealings, he ended up with a field in Clapham. As late as 1875, that field brought him just forty pounds in rent; it was freehold property, and he turned down many purchase offers. By 1885, the year before he died, the ground rents from that field—now filled with houses—were seven hundred and ninety pounds a year. That’s how people succeed when they have capital and know how to use it. If I had had capital, it would have never earned me more than three or four percent. I was stuck working for others who were getting rich. It doesn’t matter much now, except that so many years of my life have been wasted.”
“Had your brother any children?”
“Does your brother have kids?”
“No children. All the same, it astonished me when I heard his will; I had expected nothing. In one day—in one hour—I passed from slavery to freedom, from poverty to more than comfort. We never hated each other; I don’t want you to think that.”
“No children. Still, I was shocked when I heard his will; I didn’t expect anything. In one day—in one hour—I went from being trapped to being free, from being broke to having more than enough. We never hated each other; I don’t want you to think that.”
“But—didn’t it bring you friends as well as comfort?”
“But—didn’t it give you friends along with comfort?”
“Oh,” he laughed, “I am not so rich as to have people pressing for my acquaintance. I have only about six hundred a year.”
“Oh,” he laughed, “I’m not so rich that people are eager to meet me. I only make about six hundred a year.”
Monica drew in her breath silently, then gazed at the distance.
Monica silently took a breath, then stared into the distance.
“No, I haven’t made any new friends. The one or two men I care for are not much better off than I used to be, and I always feel ashamed to ask them to come and see me. Perhaps they think I shun them because of their position, and I don’t know how to justify myself. Life has always been full of worrying problems for me. I can’t take things in the simple way that comes natural to other men.”
“No, I haven’t made any new friends. The one or two guys I care about aren’t much better off than I used to be, and I always feel embarrassed to ask them to visit me. Maybe they think I’m avoiding them because of their situation, and I don’t know how to explain myself. Life has always been full of troubling issues for me. I can’t take things in the straightforward way that seems natural for other guys.”
“Don’t you think we ought to be turning back, Mr. Widdowson?”
“Don’t you think we should head back, Mr. Widdowson?”
“Yes, we will. I am sorry the time goes so quickly.”
“Yes, we will. I’m sorry time flies by so fast.”
When a few minutes had passed in silence, he asked,—
When a few minutes went by in silence, he asked, —
“Do you feel that I am no longer quite a stranger to you, Miss Madden?”
“Do you feel like I’m no longer a stranger to you, Miss Madden?”
“Yes—you have told me so much.”
“Yes—you’ve shared a lot with me.”
“It’s very kind of you to listen so patiently. I wish I had more interesting things to tell, but you see what a dull life mine has been.” He paused, and let the boat waver on the stream for a moment. “When I dared to speak to you last Sunday I had only the faintest hope that you would grant me your acquaintance. You can’t, I am sure, repent of having done me that kindness—?”
“It’s really nice of you to listen so patiently. I wish I had more exciting things to share, but you can see how dull my life has been.” He paused and let the boat drift on the stream for a moment. “When I had the courage to talk to you last Sunday, I barely hoped you would want to get to know me. Surely, you don’t regret showing me that kindness—?”
“One never knows. I doubted whether I ought to talk with a stranger—”
“One never knows. I wasn't sure if I should talk to a stranger—”
“Rightly—quite rightly. It was my perseverance—you saw, I hope, that I could never dream of giving you offence. The rule is necessary, but you see there may be exceptional cases.” He was giving a lazy stroke now and then, which, as the tide was still, just moved the boat onwards. “I saw something in your face that compelled me to speak to you. And now we may really be friends, I hope?”
“Exactly—absolutely. It was my determination—you noticed, I hope, that I could never imagine offending you. The rule is important, but you see there can be exceptions.” He was paddling casually now and then, which, since the tide was calm, just pushed the boat forward. “I saw something in your expression that made me feel like I had to talk to you. And now we can truly be friends, I hope?”
“Yes—I can think of you as a friend, Mr. Widdowson.”
“Yes—I can think of you as a friend, Mr. Widdowson.”
A large boat was passing with four or five young men and girls who sang in good time and tune. Only a song of the music-hall or of the nigger minstrels, but it sounded pleasantly with the plash of the oars. A fine sunset had begun to glow upon the river; its warmth gave a tone to Monica’s thin cheeks.
A big boat was going by with four or five young men and women who were singing in sync and in tune. Just a song from a music hall or from minstrel shows, but it blended nicely with the sound of the oars splashing. A beautiful sunset had started to light up the river; its warmth added color to Monica’s pale cheeks.
“And you will let me see you again before long? Let me drive you to Hampton Court next Sunday—or any other place you would choose.”
“And you’ll let me see you again soon? Let me take you to Hampton Court next Sunday—or anywhere else you’d like.”
“Very likely I shall be invited to my friend’s in Chelsea.”
“I'm probably going to be invited to my friend’s place in Chelsea.”
“Do you seriously think of leaving the shop?”
“Do you really plan on leaving the shop?”
“I don’t know—I must have time to think about it—”
“I don’t know—I need some time to think about it—”
“Yes—yes. But if I write a line to you, say on Friday, would you let me know whether you can come?”
“Yes—yes. But if I send you a message on Friday, could you let me know if you can make it?”
“Please to let me refuse for next Sunday. The one after, perhaps—”
“Please let me pass for next Sunday. Maybe the one after that—”
He bent his head, looked desperately grave, and drove the boat on. Monica was disturbed, but held to her resolution, which Widdowson silently accepted. The rest of the way they exchanged only brief sentences, about the beauty of the sky, the scenes on river or bank, and other impersonal matters. After landing, they walked in silence towards Chelsea Bridge.
He lowered his head, looked seriously troubled, and steered the boat forward. Monica was uneasy, but stuck to her decision, which Widdowson quietly acknowledged. The rest of the journey, they only shared a few short comments about the beauty of the sky, the views on the river or bank, and other neutral topics. After they landed, they walked in silence toward Chelsea Bridge.
“Now I must go quickly home,” said Monica.
“Now I need to hurry home,” said Monica.
“But how?”
“But how?”
“By train—from York Road to Walworth Road.”
“By train—from York Road to Walworth Road.”
Widdowson cast a curious glance at her. One would have imagined that he found something to disapprove in this ready knowledge of London transit.
Widdowson gave her a curious look. You would think he found something to criticize in her quick knowledge of London transport.
“I will go with you to the station, then.”
“I'll go with you to the station, then.”
Without a word spoken, they walked the short distance to York Road. Monica took her ticket, and offered a hand for good-bye.
Without saying a word, they walked the short distance to York Road. Monica took her ticket and extended her hand to say goodbye.
“I may write to you,” said Widdowson, his face set in an expression of anxiety, “and make an appointment, if possible, for the Sunday after next?”
“I might write to you,” Widdowson said, his face showing signs of worry, “and see if we can set up a meeting for the Sunday after next?”
“I shall be glad to come—if I can.”
“I'll be happy to come—if I can.”
“It will be a very long time to me.”
“It will be a very long time for me.”
With a faint smile, Monica hurried away to the platform. In the train she looked like one whose mind is occupied with grave trouble. Fatigue had suddenly overcome her; she leaned back and closed her eyes.
With a slight smile, Monica rushed to the platform. On the train, she seemed like someone whose mind was burdened with serious concerns. Exhaustion had hit her all at once; she leaned back and shut her eyes.
At a street corner very near to Messrs. Scotcher’s establishment she was intercepted by a tall, showily-dressed, rather coarse-featured girl, who seemed to have been loitering about. It was Miss Eade.
At a street corner very close to Messrs. Scotcher’s place, she was approached by a tall, flashy-dressed, somewhat rough-looking girl, who appeared to have been hanging around. It was Miss Eade.
“I want to speak to you, Miss Madden. Where did you go with Mr. Bullivant this morning?”
“I want to talk to you, Miss Madden. Where did you go with Mr. Bullivant this morning?”
The voice could not have been more distinctive of a London shop-girl; its tone signified irritation.
The voice was unmistakably that of a London shop girl; the tone showed irritation.
“With Mr. Bullivant? I went nowhere with him.”
“With Mr. Bullivant? I didn’t go anywhere with him.”
“But I saw you both get into the bus in Kennington Park Road.”
“But I saw you both get on the bus on Kennington Park Road.”
“Did you?” Monica returned coldly. “I can’t help it if Mr. Bullivant happened to be going the same way.”
“Did you?” Monica replied coldly. “I can’t help it if Mr. Bullivant happened to be going the same way.”
“Oh, very well! I thought you was to be trusted. It’s nothing to me—”
“Oh, fine! I thought you could be trusted. It doesn’t matter to me—”
“You behave very foolishly, Miss Eade,” exclaimed the other, whose nerves at this moment would not allow her to use patience with the jealous girl. “I can only tell you that I have never thought again of Mr. Bullivant since he left the bus somewhere in Clapham Road. I’m tired of talking about such things.”
“You're acting really foolish, Miss Eade,” the other exclaimed, her nerves not allowing her to be patient with the jealous girl at that moment. “I can only tell you that I've never given Mr. Bullivant another thought since he got off the bus somewhere on Clapham Road. I'm tired of discussing this stuff.”
“Now, see here, don’t be cross. Come and walk a bit and tell me—”
“Hey, don’t be upset. Come take a walk with me and tell me—”
“I’m too tired. And there’s nothing whatever to tell you.”
“I’m too tired. And there’s absolutely nothing to tell you.”
“Oh, well, if you’re going to be narsty?”
“Oh, well, if you’re going to be nasty?”
Monica walked on, but the girl caught her up.
Monica kept walking, but the girl caught up to her.
“Don’t be so sharp with me, Miss Madden. I don’t say as you wanted him to go in the bus with you. But you might tell me what he had to say.”
“Don’t be so harsh with me, Miss Madden. I’m not saying you wanted him to take the bus with you. But you could share what he had to say.”
“Nothing at all; except that he wished to know where I was going, which was no business of his. I did what I could for you. I told him that if he asked you to go up the river with him I felt sure you wouldn’t refuse.”
“Nothing at all; except that he wanted to know where I was going, which was none of his business. I did what I could for you. I told him that if he asked you to go up the river with him, I was sure you wouldn’t say no.”
“Oh, you did!” Miss Eade threw up her head. “I don’t think it was a very delicate thing to say.”
“Oh, you did!” Miss Eade tossed her head back. “I don’t think that was a very nice thing to say.”
“You are very unreasonable. I myself don’t think it was very delicate, but haven’t you worried me to say something of the kind?”
“You're being really unreasonable. I personally don't think it was that delicate, but didn’t you make me worry enough to say something like that?”
“No, that I’m sure I haven’t! Worried you, indeed!”
“No, I’m pretty sure I haven’t! Worried you, for real!”
“Then please never to speak to me on the subject again. I’m tired of it.”
“Then please don’t talk to me about this anymore. I’m tired of it.”
“And what did he say, when you’d said that?”
“And what did he say when you said that?”
“I can’t remember.”
"I don't remember."
“Oh, you are narsty to-day! Really you are! If it had been the other way about, I’d never have treated you like this, that I wouldn’t.”
“Oh, you are being really rude today! Seriously, you are! If the roles were reversed, I would never have treated you like this, I definitely wouldn’t.”
“Good-night!”
“Good night!”
They were close to the door by which Messrs. Scotcher’s resident employees entered at night. Monica had taken out her latchkey. But Miss Eade could not endure the thought of being left in torturing ignorance.
They were near the door where Mr. Scotcher's staff came in at night. Monica had pulled out her latchkey. But Miss Eade couldn’t stand the idea of being left in painful uncertainty.
“Do tell me!” she whispered. “I’ll do anything for you I can. Don’t be unkind, Miss Madden!”
Do tell me!” she whispered. “I’ll do whatever I can for you. Don’t be mean, Miss Madden!”
Monica turned back again.
Monica turned back again.
“If I were you, I wouldn’t be so silly. I can’t do more than assure you and promise you that I shall never listen to Mr. Bullivant.”
“If I were you, I wouldn’t be so foolish. I can’t do more than assure you and promise you that I will never listen to Mr. Bullivant.”
“But what did he say about me, dear?”
“But what did he say about me, honey?”
“Nothing.”
"Nothing."
Miss Eade kept a mortified silence.
Miss Eade stayed completely silent, feeling embarrassed.
“You had much better not think of him at all. I would have more pride. I wish I could make you see him as I do.”
“You really shouldn't think about him at all. I have more self-respect than that. I wish I could help you see him the way I do.”
“And you did really speak about me? Oh, I do wish you’d find some one to go out with. Then perhaps—”
“And you really talked about me? Oh, I really hope you find someone to date. Then maybe—”
Monica stood still, hesitated, and at length said,—
Monica stood still, hesitated, and finally said,—
“Well—I have found some one.”
"Well—I have found someone."
“You have?” The girl all but danced with joy. “You really have?”
“You have?” The girl practically danced with joy. “You really have?”
“Yes—so now don’t trouble me any more.”
“Yes—so now please don’t bother me anymore.”
This time she was allowed to turn back and enter the house.
This time she was allowed to go back and enter the house.
No one else had yet come in. Monica ate a mouthful of bread and cheese, which was in readiness on the long table down in the basement, and at once went to bed. But no welcome drowsiness fell upon her. At half-past eleven, when two of the other five girls who slept in the room made their appearance, she was still changing uneasily from side to side. They lit the gas (it was not turned off till midnight, after which hour the late arrivals had to use a candle of their own procuring), and began a lively conversation on the events of the day. Afraid of being obliged to talk, Monica feigned sleep.
No one else had arrived yet. Monica took a bite of the bread and cheese that was laid out on the long table in the basement and then went straight to bed. But she didn’t feel any drowsiness. At half-past eleven, when two of the other five girls who shared the room came in, she was still tossing and turning. They turned on the gas (it stayed on until midnight, after which any latecomers had to use their own candles), and started chatting about the day’s events. Worried about having to join in the conversation, Monica pretended to be asleep.
At twelve, just as the gas went out, another pair came to repose. They had been quarrelling, and were very gloomy. After a long and acrimonious discussion in the dark as to which of them should find a candle—it ended in one of the girls who was in bed impatiently supplying a light—they began sullenly to throw off their garments.
At midnight, just as the gas went out, another couple came to rest. They had been arguing and were really down. After a long and bitter debate in the dark about who should get a candle—which ended with one of the girls in bed impatiently providing a light—they started to mope as they took off their clothes.
“Is Miss Madden awake?” said one of them, looking in Monica’s direction.
“Is Miss Madden awake?” asked one of them, glancing over at Monica.
There was no reply.
No response.
“She’s picked up some feller to-day,” continued the speaker, lowering her voice, and glancing round at her companions with a grin. “Or else she’s had him all along—I shouldn’t wonder.”
“She’s got a guy with her today,” the speaker said, lowering her voice and looking around at her friends with a grin. “Or maybe she’s been with him the whole time—I wouldn’t be surprised.”
Heads were put forward eagerly, and inquiries whispered.
Heads were eagerly leaned forward, and questions were whispered.
“He’s oldish, I should say. I caught sight of them just as they was going off in a boat from Battersea Park, but I couldn’t see his face very well. He looked rather like Mr. Thomas.”
“He’s somewhat old, I guess. I spotted them just as they were leaving in a boat from Battersea Park, but I couldn’t see his face very clearly. He looked a bit like Mr. Thomas.”
Mr. Thomas was a member of the drapery firm, a man of fifty, ugly and austere. At this description the listeners giggled and uttered exclamations.
Mr. Thomas was part of the fabric store, a fifty-year-old man who was unattractive and stern. At this description, the listeners chuckled and gasped.
“Was he a swell?” asked one.
“Was he a cool guy?” asked one.
“Shouldn’t wonder if he was. You can trust Miss M. to keep her eyes open. She’s one of the sly and quiet “uns.””
“Wouldn’t be surprised if he was. You can count on Miss M. to stay alert. She’s one of those sly and quiet ones.”
“Oh, is she?” murmured another enviously. “She’s just one of those as gets made a fool of—that’s my opinion.”
“Oh, is she?” someone else quietly remarked with envy. “She’s just one of those who gets played for a fool—that’s my opinion.”
The point was argued for some minutes. It led to talk about Miss Eade, who was treated with frank contempt because of her ill-disguised pursuit of a mere counter-man. These other damsels had, at present, more exalted views, for they were all younger than Miss Eade.
The discussion went on for a few minutes. It turned into a conversation about Miss Eade, who was openly looked down upon because of her obvious interest in a simple clerk. The other girls, being all younger than Miss Eade, had more lofty aspirations.
Just before one o’clock, when silence had reigned for a quarter of an hour, there entered with much bustle the last occupant of the bedroom. She was a young woman with a morally unenviable reputation, though some of her colleagues certainly envied her. Money came to her with remarkable readiness whenever she had need of it. As usual, she began to talk very loud, at first with innocent vulgarity; exciting a little laughter, she became anecdotic and very scandalous. It took her a long time to disrobe, and when the candle was out, she still had her richest story to relate—of point so Rabelaisian that one or two voices made themselves heard in serious protest. The gifted anecdotist replied with a long laugh, then cried, “Good-night, young ladies!” and sank peacefully to slumber.
Just before one o’clock, after a quarter of an hour of silence, the last person entered the bedroom with a lot of commotion. She was a young woman with a not-so-great reputation, although some of her peers definitely envied her. Money seemed to come to her easily whenever she needed it. As usual, she started talking loudly, initially with some innocent crudeness; sparking a bit of laughter, she turned anecdotal and quite scandalous. It took her a while to get undressed, and even after the candle was out, she still had her most extravagant story to share—so Rabelaisian that a couple of voices voiced serious objections. The talented storyteller responded with a long laugh, then said, “Good-night, young ladies!” and peacefully fell asleep.
As for Monica, she saw the white dawn peep at the window, and closed her tear-stained eyes only when the life of a new week had begun noisily in Walworth Road.
As for Monica, she saw the white dawn peek through the window and closed her tear-stained eyes only when the hustle and bustle of a new week had started noisily on Walworth Road.
CHAPTER VI
A CAMP OF THE RESERVE
In consequence of letters exchanged during the week, next Sunday brought the three Miss Maddens to Queen’s Road to lunch with Miss Barfoot. Alice had recovered from her cold, but was still ailing, and took rather a gloomy view of the situation she had lately reviewed with such courage. Virginia maintained her enthusiastic faith in Miss Nunn, and was prepared to reverence Miss Barfoot with hardly less fervour. Both of them found it difficult to understand their young sister, who, in her letters, had betrayed distaste for the change of career proposed to her. They were received with the utmost kindness, and all greatly enjoyed their afternoon, for not even Monica’s prejudice against a house, which in her own mind she had stigmatized as “an old-maid factory,” could resist the charm of the hostess.
As a result of letters exchanged during the week, the three Miss Maddens came to Queen’s Road for lunch with Miss Barfoot the following Sunday. Alice had gotten over her cold but was still feeling unwell and had a rather gloomy outlook on the situation she had recently faced with such bravery. Virginia held on to her enthusiastic belief in Miss Nunn and was ready to admire Miss Barfoot with nearly as much passion. Both of them found it hard to understand their younger sister, who had expressed her dislike for the career change suggested to her in her letters. They were welcomed with the greatest kindness, and everyone had a wonderful afternoon, as even Monica’s bias against a house she had labeled in her mind as “an old-maid factory” couldn’t overshadow the charm of their hostess.
Though Miss Barfoot had something less than a woman’s average stature, the note of her presence was personal dignity. She was handsome, and her carriage occasionally betrayed a consciousness of the fact. According to circumstances, she bore herself as the lady of aristocratic tastes, as a genial woman of the world, or as a fervid prophetess of female emancipation, and each character was supported with a spontaneity, a good-natured confidence, which inspired liking and respect. A brilliant complexion and eyes that sparkled with habitual cheerfulness gave her the benefit of doubt when her age was in question; her style of dress, gracefully ornate, would have led a stranger to presume her a wedded lady of some distinction. Yet Mary Barfoot had known many troubles, poverty among them. Her experiences and struggles bore a close resemblance to those which Rhoda Nunn had gone through, and the time of trial had lasted longer. Mental and moral stamina would have assured her against such evils of celibacy as appeared in the elder Maddens, but it was to a change of worldly fortune that she owed this revival of youthful spirit and energy in middle life.
Though Miss Barfoot was slightly shorter than the average woman, her presence radiated personal dignity. She was attractive, and her posture sometimes reflected an awareness of this. Depending on the situation, she carried herself as a woman of aristocratic tastes, a warm and sociable lady, or a passionate advocate for female liberation, and she embodied each role with a natural grace and friendly confidence that earned her admiration and respect. With a vibrant complexion and eyes that sparkled with a usual cheerfulness, she cast doubt on her age; her elegantly decorated style of dress might lead a stranger to think she was a married woman of some standing. Yet Mary Barfoot had faced many hardships, including poverty. Her experiences and struggles closely mirrored those of Rhoda Nunn, and her period of hardship lasted even longer. Her mental and moral strength would have shielded her from the issues of single life faced by the older Maddens, but it was a shift in her financial situation that led to a revival of her youthful spirit and energy in her middle years.
“You and I must be friends,” she said to Monica, holding the girl’s soft little hand. “We are both black but comely.”
“You and I have to be friends,” she said to Monica, holding the girl’s soft little hand. “We’re both black but pretty.”
The compliment to herself seemed the most natural thing in the world. Monica blushed with pleasure, and could not help laughing.
The compliment to herself felt completely natural. Monica blushed with happiness and couldn't help but laugh.
It was all but decided that Monica should become a pupil at the school in Great Portland Street. In a brief private conversation, Miss Barfoot offered to lend her the money that might be needful.
It was basically decided that Monica would become a student at the school on Great Portland Street. In a quick private chat, Miss Barfoot offered to lend her the money that she might need.
“Nothing but a business transaction, Miss Madden. You can give me security; you will repay me at your convenience. If, in the end, this occupation doesn’t please you, you will at all events have regained health. It is clear to me that you mustn’t go on in that dreadful place you described to Miss Nunn.”
“Just a business deal, Miss Madden. You can provide me with collateral; you'll pay me back when it works for you. If, in the end, this job doesn't suit you, you'll at least have your health back. It's clear to me that you can't stay in that awful place you mentioned to Miss Nunn.”
The visitors took their leave at about five o’clock.
The visitors left around five o’clock.
“Poor things! Poor things!” sighed Miss Barfoot, when she was alone with her friend. “What can we possibly do for the older ones?”
“Poor things! Poor things!” sighed Miss Barfoot when she was alone with her friend. “What can we possibly do for the older ones?”
“They are excellent creatures,” said Rhoda; “kind, innocent women; but useful for nothing except what they have done all their lives. The eldest can’t teach seriously, but she can keep young children out of mischief and give them a nice way of speaking. Her health is breaking down, you can see.”
“They're great people,” said Rhoda; “kind, innocent women, but they’re only good for what they’ve done their whole lives. The oldest can’t teach seriously, but she can keep young kids out of trouble and help them speak nicely. You can see her health is fading.”
“Poor woman! One of the saddest types.”
“Poor woman! One of the saddest kinds.”
“Decidedly. Virginia isn’t quite so depressing—but how childish!”
“Definitely. Virginia isn’t really that depressing—but how immature!”
“They all strike me as childish. Monica is a dear little girl; it seemed a great absurdity to talk to her about business. Of course she must find a husband.”
“They all seem so immature to me. Monica is such a sweet girl; it felt completely ridiculous to discuss business with her. Of course, she needs to find a husband.”
“I suppose so.”
"I guess so."
Rhoda’s tone of slighting concession amused her companion.
Rhoda’s tone of dismissive acceptance entertained her companion.
“My dear, after all we don’t desire the end of the race.”
“My dear, after all, we don’t want the race to end.”
“No, I suppose not,” Rhoda admitted with a laugh.
“No, I guess not,” Rhoda admitted with a laugh.
“A word of caution. Your zeal is eating you up. At this rate, you will hinder our purpose. We have no mission to prevent girls from marrying suitably—only to see that those who can’t shall have a means of living with some satisfaction.”
“A word of caution. Your enthusiasm is consuming you. At this rate, you will obstruct our goal. We’re not trying to stop girls from marrying well—only to ensure that those who can’t find suitable partners have a way to live with some degree of satisfaction.”
“What chance is there that this girl will marry suitably?”
“What are the chances that this girl will marry well?”
“Oh, who knows? At all events, there will be more likelihood of it if she comes into our sphere.”
“Oh, who knows? Anyway, it's more likely to happen if she enters our circle.”
“Really? Do you know any man that would dream of marrying her?”
“Really? Do you know any guy who would even think about marrying her?”
“Perhaps not, at present.”
"Maybe not right now."
It was clear that Miss Barfoot stood in some danger of becoming subordinate to her more vehement friend. Her little body, for all its natural dignity, put her at a disadvantage in the presence of Rhoda, who towered above her with rather imperious stateliness. Her suavity was no match for Rhoda’s vigorous abruptness. But the two were very fond of each other, and by this time thought themselves able safely to dispense with the forms at first imposed by their mutual relations.
It was obvious that Miss Barfoot was at risk of becoming overshadowed by her more assertive friend. Her petite frame, despite its inherent dignity, put her at a disadvantage next to Rhoda, who loomed over her with an imposing presence. Her smooth demeanor couldn’t compete with Rhoda's bold and direct approach. However, the two cared deeply for each other and by this point believed they could comfortably skip the formalities that initially defined their relationship.
“If she marry at all,” declared Miss Nunn, “she will marry badly. The family is branded. They belong to the class we know so well—with no social position, and unable to win an individual one. I must find a name for that ragged regiment.”
“If she marries at all,” declared Miss Nunn, “she will marry poorly. The family is marked. They belong to the class we know so well—with no social standing and unable to gain any personal one. I must come up with a name for that ragged group.”
Miss Barfoot regarded her friend thoughtfully.
Miss Barfoot looked at her friend thoughtfully.
“Rhoda, what comfort have you for the poor in spirit?”
“Rhoda, what comfort do you have for those who are struggling?”
“None whatever, I’m afraid. My mission is not to them.”
“Not at all, I'm afraid. My mission isn’t directed at them.”
After a pause, she added,—
After a pause, she continued—
“They have their religious faith, I suppose; and it’s answerable for a good deal.”
“They have their religious beliefs, I guess; and it accounts for quite a bit.”
“It would be a terrible responsibility to rob them of it,” remarked the elder woman gravely.
“It would be a terrible responsibility to take that away from them,” the older woman said seriously.
Rhoda made a gesture of impatience.
Rhoda waved her hand in annoyance.
“It’s a terrible responsibility to do anything at all. But I’m glad”—she laughed scornfully—“that it’s not my task to release them.”
“It’s an awful responsibility to do anything at all. But I’m glad”—she laughed mockingly—“that it’s not my job to set them free.”
Mary Barfoot mused, a compassionate shadow on her fine face.
Mary Barfoot reflected, a caring shadow on her delicate face.
“I don’t think we can do without the spirit of that religion,” she said at length—“the essential human spirit. These poor women—one ought to be very tender with them. I don’t like your “ragged regiment” phrase. When I grow old and melancholy, I think I shall devote myself to poor hopeless and purposeless women—try to warm their hearts a little before they go hence.”
“I don’t think we can do without the spirit of that religion,” she said finally—“the essential human spirit. These poor women—one should be very gentle with them. I don’t like your ‘ragged regiment’ phrase. When I grow old and sad, I think I’ll dedicate myself to poor, hopeless, and aimless women—try to warm their hearts a bit before they leave this world.”
“Admirable!” murmured Rhoda, smiling. “But in the meantime they cumber us; we have to fight.”
“Admirable!” Rhoda said with a smile. “But for now they’re holding us back; we have to fight.”
She threw forward her arms, as though with spear and buckler. Miss Barfoot was smiling at this Palladin attitude when a servant announced two ladies—Mrs. Smallbrook and Miss Haven. They were aunt and niece; the former a tall, ungainly, sharp-featured widow; the latter a sweet-faced, gentle, sensible-looking girl of five-and-twenty.
She extended her arms as if holding a spear and shield. Miss Barfoot was smiling at this heroic pose when a servant came in to announce two ladies—Mrs. Smallbrook and Miss Haven. They were aunt and niece; the former was a tall, awkward, sharp-featured widow, while the latter was a sweet-faced, gentle, sensible-looking woman around twenty-five.
“I am so glad you are back again,” exclaimed the widow, as she shook hands with Miss Barfoot, speaking in a hard, unsympathetic voice. “I do so want to ask your advice about an interesting girl who has applied to me. I’m afraid her past won’t bear looking into, but most certainly she is a reformed character. Winifred is most favourably impressed with her—”
“I’m really glad you’re back,” the widow said, shaking hands with Miss Barfoot, her tone cold and unfeeling. “I really want to get your opinion on an intriguing girl who’s come to me for help. I’m worried her past might be questionable, but she definitely seems to be a changed person. Winifred is quite impressed with her—”
Miss Haven, the Winifred in question, began to talk apart with Rhoda Nunn.
Miss Haven, the Winifred we're talking about, started chatting privately with Rhoda Nunn.
“I do wish my aunt wouldn’t exaggerate so,” she said in a subdued voice, whilst Mrs. Smallbrook still talked loudly and urgently. “I never said that I was favourably impressed. The girl protests far too much; she has played on aunt’s weaknesses, I fear.”
“I really wish my aunt wouldn’t exaggerate so much,” she said quietly while Mrs. Smallbrook continued to speak loudly and urgently. “I never said that I was impressed. The girl is protesting way too much; I’m afraid she has taken advantage of my aunt’s weaknesses.”
“But who is she?”
“But who is she now?”
“Oh, some one who lost her character long ago, and lives, I should say, on charitable people. Just because I said that she must once have had a very nice face, aunt misrepresents me in this way—it’s too bad.”
“Oh, someone who lost her reputation a long time ago and relies, I suppose, on generous people. Just because I mentioned that she must have had a very pretty face at one time, my aunt twists my words like this—it’s really frustrating.”
“Is she an educated person?” Miss Barfoot was heard to ask.
“Is she educated?” Miss Barfoot was heard to ask.
“Not precisely well educated.”
"Not exactly well educated."
“Of the lower classes, then?”
"About the lower classes, then?"
“I don’t like that term, you know. Of the poorer classes.”
“I don’t like that term, you know. Of the lower classes.”
“She never was a lady,” put in Miss Haven quietly but decidedly.
“She was never a lady,” Miss Haven said quietly but firmly.
“Then I fear I can be of no use,” said the hostess, betraying some of her secret satisfaction in being able thus to avoid Mrs. Smallbrook’s request. Winifred, a pupil at Great Portland Street, was much liked by both her teachers; but the aunt, with her ceaseless philanthropy at other people’s expense, could only be considered a bore.
“Then I guess I can’t help,” said the hostess, showing a hint of her hidden satisfaction in dodging Mrs. Smallbrook’s request. Winifred, a student at Great Portland Street, was well-liked by both her teachers; however, her aunt, with her constant urge to help others at everyone else’s expense, was mostly seen as a nuisance.
“But surely you don’t limit your humanity, Miss Barfoot, by the artificial divisions of society.”
“But surely you don’t restrict your humanity, Miss Barfoot, by the artificial divisions of society.”
“I think those divisions are anything but artificial,” replied the hostess good-humouredly. “In the uneducated classes I have no interest whatever. You have heard me say so.”
“I think those divisions are anything but fake,” the hostess replied with a smile. “I have no interest at all in the uneducated classes. You’ve heard me say that.”
“Yes, but I cannot think—isn’t that just a little narrow?”
“Yes, but I can't help but wonder—isn't that just a bit narrow-minded?”
“Perhaps so. I choose my sphere, that’s all. Let those work for the lower classes (I must call them lower, for they are, in every sense), let those work for them who have a call to do so. I have none. I must keep to my own class.”
“Maybe. I choose my own sphere, that’s all. Let those work for the lower classes (I have to call them lower, because they are, in every way), and let those who are called to do that work for them. I'm not. I need to stick to my own class.”
“But surely, Miss Nunn,” cried the widow, turning to Rhoda, “we work for the abolition of all unjust privilege? To us, is not a woman a woman?”
“But surely, Miss Nunn,” the widow exclaimed, turning to Rhoda, “we strive to eliminate all unfair privilege, right? To us, isn't a woman just a woman?”
“I am obliged to agree with Miss Barfoot. I think that as soon as we begin to meddle with uneducated people, all our schemes and views are unsettled. We have to learn a new language, for one thing. But your missionary enterprise is admirable.”
“I have to agree with Miss Barfoot. I think that as soon as we start to engage with uneducated people, all our plans and ideas become unstable. We have to learn a new language, for starters. But your missionary work is commendable.”
“For my part,” declared Mrs. Smallbrook, “I aim at the solidarity of woman. You, at all events, agree with me, Winifred?”
“For my part,” said Mrs. Smallbrook, “I’m all about the unity of women. You agree with me on that, right, Winifred?”
“I really don’t think, aunt, that there can be any solidarity of ladies with servant girls,” responded Miss Haven, encouraged by a look from Rhoda.
“I really don’t think, Aunt, that there can be any solidarity between ladies and servant girls,” replied Miss Haven, feeling encouraged by a glance from Rhoda.
“Then I grieve that your charity falls so far below the Christian standard.”
“Then I regret that your kindness is so much less than the Christian ideal.”
Miss Barfoot firmly guided the conversation to a more hopeful subject.
Miss Barfoot confidently steered the conversation toward a more optimistic topic.
Not many people visited this house. Every Wednesday evening, from half-past eight to eleven, Miss Barfoot was at home to any of her acquaintances, including her pupils, who chose to call upon her; but this was in the nature of an association with recognized objects. Of society in the common sense Miss Barfoot saw very little; she had no time to sacrifice in the pursuit of idle ceremonies. By the successive deaths of two relatives, a widowed sister and an uncle, she had come into possession of a modest fortune; but no thought of a life such as would have suggested itself to most women in her place ever tempted her. Her studies had always been of a very positive nature; her abilities were of a kind uncommon in women, or at all events very rarely developed in one of her sex. She could have managed a large and complicated business, could have filled a place on a board of directors, have taken an active part in municipal government—nay, perchance in national. And this turn of intellect consisted with many traits of character so strongly feminine that people who knew her best thought of her with as much tenderness as admiration. She did not seek to become known as the leader of a “movement,” yet her quiet work was probably more effectual than the public career of women who propagandize for female emancipation. Her aim was to draw from the overstocked profession of teaching as many capable young women as she could lay hands on, and to fit them for certain of the pursuits nowadays thrown open to their sex. She held the conviction that whatever man could do, woman could do equally well—those tasks only excepted which demand great physical strength. At her instance, and with help from her purse, two girls were preparing themselves to be pharmaceutical chemists; two others had been aided by her to open a bookseller’s shop; and several who had clerkships in view received an admirable training at her school in Great Portland Street.
Not many people visited this house. Every Wednesday evening, from 8:30 to 11:00, Miss Barfoot welcomed any of her acquaintances, including her students, who decided to drop by; but this felt more like an association with familiar faces. Miss Barfoot experienced very little of society in the traditional sense; she had no time to waste on pointless social events. After the deaths of two relatives, a widowed sister and an uncle, she inherited a modest fortune; yet, the idea of a life that most women in her situation would have considered never crossed her mind. Her studies had always been very practical, and her skills were uncommon for women, or at least very rarely found in someone of her gender. She could have managed a large and complex business, served on a board of directors, or taken an active role in local government—perhaps even in national affairs. This intellectual inclination coexisted with many traits of character that were distinctly feminine, leading those who knew her best to regard her with as much affection as respect. She didn’t seek to be recognized as the leader of a “movement,” yet her quiet contributions were likely more impactful than the public endeavors of women advocating for female emancipation. Her goal was to recruit as many capable young women as she could from the overcrowded teaching profession and prepare them for certain career paths now available to them. She believed that whatever a man could do, a woman could do just as well—except for tasks that required significant physical strength. At her suggestion, and with financial support from her, two girls were training to be pharmaceutical chemists; two others were helped by her to start a bookseller’s shop; and several who aimed for clerk positions received excellent training at her school on Great Portland Street.
Thither every weekday morning Miss Barfoot and Rhoda repaired; they arrived at nine o’clock, and with an hour’s interval work went on until five.
Every weekday morning, Miss Barfoot and Rhoda went there; they arrived at nine o'clock, and with a one-hour break, work continued until five.
Entering by the private door of a picture-cleaner’s shop, they ascended to the second story, where two rooms had been furnished like comfortable offices; two smaller on the floor above served for dressing-rooms. In one of the offices, typewriting and occasionally other kinds of work that demanded intelligence were carried on by three or four young women regularly employed. To superintend this department was Miss Nunn’s chief duty, together with business correspondence under the principal’s direction. In the second room Miss Barfoot instructed her pupils, never more than three being with her at a time. A bookcase full of works on the Woman Question and allied topics served as a circulating library; volumes were lent without charge to the members of this little society. Once a month Miss Barfoot or Miss Nunn, by turns, gave a brief address on some set subject; the hour was four o’clock, and about a dozen hearers generally assembled. Both worked very hard. Miss Barfoot did not look upon her enterprise as a source of pecuniary profit, but she had made the establishment more than self-supporting. Her pupils increased in number, and the working department promised occupation for a larger staff than was at present engaged. The young women in general answered their friend’s expectations, but of course there were disappointing instances. One of these had caused Miss Barfoot special distress. A young girl whom she had released from a life of much hardship, and who, after a couple of months’ trial, bade fair to develop noteworthy ability, of a sudden disappeared. She was without relatives in London, and Miss Barfoot’s endeavours to find her proved for several weeks very futile. Then came news of her; she was living as the mistress of a married man. Every effort was made to bring her back, but the girl resisted; presently she again passed out of sight, and now more than a year had elapsed since Miss Barfoot’s last interview with her.
Entering through the private door of a spotless dry cleaner’s shop, they went up to the second floor, where two rooms had been set up as cozy offices; two smaller rooms on the floor above were used as dressing rooms. In one of the offices, three or four young women regularly worked on typewriting and occasionally other intellectual tasks. Overseeing this department was Miss Nunn’s main responsibility, along with handling business correspondence under the principal's supervision. In the second room, Miss Barfoot taught her students, never having more than three at a time. A bookcase filled with books on the Woman Question and related topics served as a circulating library; the volumes were lent out free of charge to members of this small society. Once a month, either Miss Barfoot or Miss Nunn would give a brief talk on a specific topic; this took place at four o’clock, attracting about a dozen listeners on average. Both worked very hard. Miss Barfoot didn’t see her venture as a way to make money, but she had made the establishment more than financially self-sustaining. Her number of students was growing, and the working department seemed poised to need a larger staff than what was currently employed. Generally, the young women met their friend’s expectations, but there were some disappointing cases as well. One of these caused Miss Barfoot particular distress. A young girl she had helped escape a life of hardship, who showed promise after a couple of months, suddenly vanished. She had no relatives in London, and Miss Barfoot’s attempts to locate her were fruitless for several weeks. Then news came that she was living as the mistress of a married man. Every effort was made to bring her back, but the girl resisted; soon after, she disappeared again, and now over a year had passed since Miss Barfoot’s last meeting with her.
This Monday morning, among letters delivered at the house, was one from the strayed girl. Miss Barfoot read it in private, and throughout the day remained unusually grave. At five o’clock, when staff and pupils had all departed, she sat for a while in meditation, then spoke to Rhoda, who was glancing over a book by the window.
This Monday morning, among the letters delivered to the house, was one from the missing girl. Miss Barfoot read it privately and stayed unusually serious throughout the day. At five o’clock, when the staff and students had all left, she sat in reflection for a while, then spoke to Rhoda, who was looking through a book by the window.
“Here’s a letter I should like you to read.”
“Here’s a letter I want you to read.”
“Something that has been troubling you since morning, isn’t it?”
“Something that's been bothering you since this morning, right?”
“Yes.”
“Yep.”
Rhoda took the sheet and quickly ran through its contents. Her face hardened, and she threw down the letter with a smile of contempt.
Rhoda grabbed the sheet and quickly skimmed through what was on it. Her expression turned cold, and she tossed the letter aside with a sneer of disdain.
“What do you advise?” asked the elder woman, closely observing her.
“What do you think we should do?” asked the older woman, watching her intently.
“An answer in two lines—with a cheque enclosed, if you see fit.”
“Just a quick response in two lines—feel free to include a check if you’d like.”
“Does that really meet the case?”
“Does that really fit the situation?”
“More than meets it, I should say.”
“More than meets the eye, I would say.”
Miss Barfoot pondered.
Miss Barfoot thought.
“I am doubtful. That is a letter of despair, and I can’t close my ears to it.”
“I’m not sure. That’s a letter of hopelessness, and I can’t ignore it.”
“You had an affection for the girl. Help her, by all means, if you feel compelled to. But you would hardly dream of taking her back again?”
“You had feelings for the girl. Help her, if you really feel you should. But you wouldn’t even think about getting back together with her, would you?”
“That’s the point. Why shouldn’t I?”
"That's the point. Why not?"
“For one thing,” replied Rhoda, looking coldly down upon her friend, “you will never do any good with her. For another, she isn’t a suitable companion for the girls she would meet here.”
“First of all,” replied Rhoda, looking down at her friend with a cold expression, “you’re not going to help her at all. Plus, she’s not the right kind of friend for the girls she would meet here.”
“I can’t be sure of either objection. She acted with deplorable rashness, with infatuation, but I never discovered any sign of evil in her. Did you?”
“I can’t be sure about either objection. She acted with terrible recklessness, with obsession, but I never saw any indication of malice in her. Did you?”
“Evil? Well, what does the word mean? I am not a Puritan, and I don’t judge her as the ordinary woman would. But I think she has put herself altogether beyond our sympathy. She was twenty-two years old—no child—and she acted with her eyes open. No deceit was practised with her. She knew the man had a wife, and she was base enough to accept a share of his attentions. Do you advocate polygamy? That is an intelligible position, I admit. It is one way of meeting the social difficulty. But not mine.”
“Evil? Well, what does that word really mean? I’m not a Puritan, and I don’t judge her like most people would. But I believe she has completely removed herself from our sympathy. She was twenty-two years old—not a child—and she made her choices with full awareness. There was no deception involved. She knew the man had a wife, and she was low enough to accept some of his attention. Do you support polygamy? I can understand that stance. It’s one way to tackle the social issue. But it’s not mine.”
“My dear Rhoda, don’t enrage yourself.”
"My dear Rhoda, don't get upset."
“I will try not to.”
"I'll try not to."
“But I can’t see the temptation to do so. Come and sit down, and talk quietly. No, I have no fondness for polygamy. I find it very hard to understand how she could act as she did. But a mistake, however wretched, mustn’t condemn a woman for life. That’s the way of the world, and decidedly it mustn’t be ours.”
“But I can’t see why anyone would want to do that. Come sit down and let’s talk quietly. No, I don’t have any affection for polygamy. I really struggle to understand how she could behave that way. But a mistake, no matter how terrible, shouldn’t ruin a woman’s life forever. That’s just how things are, and it definitely shouldn’t be our way.”
“On this point I practically agree with the world.”
“On this point, I mostly agree with everyone.”
“I see you do, and it astonishes me. You are going through curious changes, in several respects. A year ago you didn’t speak of her like this.”
“I see you do, and it amazes me. You’re experiencing some strange changes in a few ways. A year ago, you didn’t talk about her like this.”
“Partly because I didn’t know you well enough to speak my mind. Partly yes, I have changed a good deal, no doubt. But I should never have proposed to take her by the hand and let bygones be bygones. That is an amiable impulse, but anti-social.”
“Partly because I didn’t know you well enough to be open. Partly, yes, I’ve changed a lot, no question. But I should never have suggested taking her hand and moving on. That’s a nice thought, but it’s not really good for society.”
“A favourite word on your lips just now, Rhoda. Why is it anti-social?”
“A favorite word on your lips right now, Rhoda. Why is it anti-social?”
“Because one of the supreme social needs of our day is the education of women in self-respect and self-restraint. There are plenty of people—men chiefly, but a few women also of a certain temperament—who cry for a reckless individualism in these matters. They would tell you that she behaved laudably, that she was living out herself—and things of that kind. But I didn’t think you shared such views.”
“Because one of the biggest social needs today is educating women about self-respect and self-control. There are many people—mostly men, but also a few women with a certain mindset—who advocate for a reckless individualism in these matters. They would argue that she acted commendably, that she was living out herself—and similar ideas. But I didn’t think you agreed with such views.”
“I don’t, altogether. “The education of women in self-respect.” Very well. Here is a poor woman whose self-respect has given way under grievous temptation. Circumstances have taught her that she made a wild mistake. The man gives her up, and bids her live as she can; she is reduced to beggary. Now, in that position a girl is tempted to sink still further. The letter of two lines and an enclosed cheque would as likely as not plunge her into depths from which she could never be rescued. It would assure her that there was no hope. On the other hand, we have it in our power to attempt that very education of which you speak. She has brains, and doesn’t belong to the vulgar. It seems to me that you are moved by illogical impulses—and certainly anything but kind ones.”
“I don’t, really. “The education of women in self-respect.” Fine. Here is a struggling woman whose self-respect has crumbled under intense temptation. Life has shown her that she made a huge mistake. The man leaves her and tells her to fend for herself; she’s left in poverty. In that situation, a girl is tempted to spiral even lower. A short letter with a check could easily drag her into a place from which she could never escape. It would confirm that there was no hope. On the other hand, we have the ability to pursue that very education you’re talking about. She’s smart and doesn’t belong to the lower class. It seems to me you’re driven by illogical feelings—and definitely not kind ones.”
Rhoda only grew more stubborn.
Rhoda just got more stubborn.
“You say she yielded to a grievous temptation. What temptation? Will it bear putting into words?”
"You say she gave in to a serious temptation. What temptation? Can it even be put into words?"
“Oh yes, I think it will,” answered Miss Barfoot, with her gentlest smile. “She fell in love with the man.”
“Oh yes, I think it will,” replied Miss Barfoot, with her softest smile. “She fell for the guy.”
“Fell in love!” Concentration of scorn was in this echo. “Oh, for what isn’t that phrase responsible!”
“Fell in love!” There was a strong tone of sarcasm in that response. “Oh, what trouble that phrase has caused!”
“Rhoda, let me ask you a question on which I have never ventured. Do you know what it is to be in love?”
“Rhoda, can I ask you a question I’ve never dared to before? Do you know what it feels like to be in love?”
Miss Nunn’s strong features were moved as if by a suppressed laugh; the colour of her cheeks grew very slightly warm.
Miss Nunn’s strong features shifted as if she was holding back a laugh; the color in her cheeks warmed just a bit.
“I am a normal human being,” she answered, with an impatient gesture. “I understand perfectly well what the phrase signifies.”
“I’m just a regular person,” she replied, waving her hand dismissively. “I totally get what that phrase means.”
“That is no answer, my dear. Have you ever been in love with any man?”
“That’s not an answer, my dear. Have you ever been in love with any man?”
“Yes. When I was fifteen.”
“Yeah. When I was 15.”
“And not since,” rejoined the other, shaking her head and smiling. “No, not since?”
“And not since,” the other replied, shaking her head and smiling. “No, not since?”
“Thank Heaven, no!”
“Thank goodness, no!”
“Then you are not very well able to judge this case. I, on the other hand, can judge it with the very largest understanding. Don’t smile so witheringly, Rhoda. I shall neglect your advice for once.”
“Then you’re not really in a position to judge this situation. I, however, can assess it with a much better understanding. Don’t smile so dismissively, Rhoda. I’m going to ignore your advice this time.”
“You will bring this girl back, and continue teaching her as before?”
“You will bring this girl back and keep teaching her like you did before?”
“We have no one here that knows her, and with prudence she need never be talked about by those of our friends who did.”
“We don’t have anyone here who knows her, and with some discretion, our friends who do can avoid talking about her.”
“Oh, weak—weak—weak!”
“Oh, so weak—so weak!”
“For once I must act independently.”
“For once I have to act on my own.”
“Yes, and at a stroke change the whole character of your work. You never proposed keeping a reformatory. Your aim is to help chosen girls, who promise to be of some use in the world. This Miss Royston represents the profitless average—no, she is below the average. Are you so blind as to imagine that any good will ever come of such a person? If you wish to save her from the streets, do so by all means. But to put her among your chosen pupils is to threaten your whole undertaking. Let it once become known—and it would become known—that a girl of that character came here, and your usefulness is at an end. In a year’s time you will have to choose between giving up the school altogether and making it a refuge for outcasts.”
“Yes, and just like that, you could change the entire character of your work. You never planned to run a reformatory. Your goal is to help select girls who have the potential to contribute positively to the world. This Miss Royston represents the unprofitable average—no, she is below average. Are you really so blind as to think that any good will come from someone like her? If you want to save her from the streets, go ahead. But placing her among your chosen students puts the entire project at risk. Once word gets out—and it will get out—that a girl like her came here, your effectiveness will be over. In a year, you’ll have to decide between shutting down the school completely and turning it into a shelter for outcasts.”
Miss Barfoot was silent. She tapped with her fingers on the table.
Miss Barfoot was quiet. She tapped her fingers on the table.
“Personal feeling is misleading you,” Rhoda pursued. “Miss Royston had a certain cleverness, I grant; but do you think I didn’t know that she would never become what you hoped? All her spare time was given to novel-reading. If every novelist could be strangled and thrown into the sea we should have some chance of reforming women. The girl’s nature was corrupted with sentimentality, like that of all but every woman who is intelligent enough to read what is called the best fiction, but not intelligent enough to understand its vice. Love—love—love; a sickening sameness of vulgarity. What is more vulgar than the ideal of novelists? They won’t represent the actual world; it would be too dull for their readers. In real life, how many men and women fall in love? Not one in every ten thousand, I am convinced. Not one married pair in ten thousand have felt for each other as two or three couples do in every novel. There is the sexual instinct, of course, but that is quite a different thing; the novelists daren’t talk about that. The paltry creatures daren’t tell the one truth that would be profitable. The result is that women imagine themselves noble and glorious when they are most near the animals. This Miss Royston—when she rushed off to perdition, ten to one she had in mind some idiot heroine of a book. Oh, I tell you that you are losing sight of your first duty. There are people enough to act the good Samaritan; you have quite another task in life. It is your work to train and encourage girls in a path as far as possible from that of the husband-hunter. Let them marry later, if they must; but at all events you will have cleared their views on the subject of marriage, and put them in a position to judge the man who offers himself. You will have taught them that marriage is an alliance of intellects—not a means of support, or something more ignoble still. But to do this with effect you must show yourself relentless to female imbecility. If a girl gets to know that you have received back such a person as Miss Royston she will be corrupted by your spirit of charity—corrupted, at all events, for our purposes. The endeavour to give women a new soul is so difficult that we can’t be cumbered by side-tasks, such as fishing foolish people out of the mud they have walked into. Charity for human weakness is all very well in its place, but it is precisely one of the virtues that you must not teach. You have to set an example of the sterner qualities—to discourage anything that resembles sentimentalism. And think if you illustrate in your own behaviour a sympathy for the very vice of character we are trying our hardest to extirpate!”
“Personal feelings are misleading you,” Rhoda continued. “Miss Royston had a certain cleverness, I’ll admit; but do you really think I didn’t see that she would never become what you hoped? All her spare time was spent reading novels. If every novelist could be thrown overboard, we might actually have a chance to reform women. The girl’s nature was tainted with sentimentality, like almost every woman who is smart enough to read what’s considered the best fiction but not smart enough to see its flaws. Love—love—love; the same sickening cliché of vulgarity. What could be more vulgar than the ideal put forth by novelists? They refuse to depict the real world; it would be too boring for their readers. In real life, how many men and women fall in love? I’m convinced it’s not one in every ten thousand. Not one married couple in ten thousand feels for each other as a few couples do in novels. There’s the sexual instinct, of course, but that’s a completely different matter; novelists are too scared to talk about that. Those pathetic creatures are too afraid to voice the one truth that would actually be useful. The outcome is that women think of themselves as noble and radiant when they're really closer to being animals. This Miss Royston—when she dashed off to her doom, I bet she had some foolish heroine from a book in mind. Oh, I’m telling you, you’re losing focus on your primary duty. There are enough people to play the good Samaritan; you have a different mission in life. Your job is to train and encourage girls to stay as far away from being husband-hunters as possible. Let them marry later, if they have to; but at least you’ll have clarified their views on marriage and prepared them to evaluate the man who's proposing. You’ll have taught them that marriage is a partnership of intellects—not a safety net or something even cheaper. But to do this effectively, you must show no mercy towards female foolishness. If a girl finds out that you’ve welcomed someone like Miss Royston back, she’ll be tainted by your spirit of mercy—tainted, at least for our purposes. The effort to give women a new mindset is so challenging that we can’t afford to get bogged down by side-projects, like rescuing foolish people from the mess they’ve stepped into. Compassion for human weakness is fine in its place, but it’s precisely one of the virtues you must not teach. You have to model the tougher qualities—discouraging anything that resembles sentimentality. And think about whether your own behavior shows sympathy for the very flaws in character we’re trying so hard to eliminate!”
“This is a terrible harangue,” said Miss Barfoot, when the passionate voice had been silent for a few ticks of the clock. “I quite enter into your point of view, but I think you go beyond practical zeal. However, I will help the girl in some other way, if possible.”
“This is a terrible rant,” said Miss Barfoot, when the passionate voice had been quiet for a few ticks of the clock. “I completely understand your perspective, but I think you’re going overboard with your enthusiasm. Still, I’ll help the girl in some other way, if I can.”
“I have offended you.”
"I've upset you."
“Impossible to take offence at such obvious sincerity.”
“It's impossible to be offended by such obvious sincerity.”
“But surely you grant the force of what I say?”
"But you must see the strength of what I'm saying, right?"
“We differ a good deal, Rhoda, on certain points which as a rule would never come up to interfere with our working in harmony. You have come to dislike the very thought of marriage—and everything of that kind. I think it’s a danger you ought to have avoided. True, we wish to prevent girls from marrying just for the sake of being supported, and from degrading themselves as poor Bella Royston has done; but surely between ourselves we can admit that the vast majority of women would lead a wasted life if they did not marry.”
“We have quite a few differences, Rhoda, on certain points that usually wouldn’t affect our ability to work well together. You’ve developed a strong dislike for the idea of marriage—and everything related to it. I think that’s a risk you should have steered clear of. It’s true that we want to protect girls from marrying just for financial support and from lowering themselves like poor Bella Royston has done; but surely we can agree that for most women, life would feel unfulfilled if they didn’t get married.”
“I maintain that the vast majority of women lead a vain and miserable life because they do marry.”
“I believe that most women live a shallow and unhappy life because they do get married.”
“Don’t you blame the institution of marriage with what is chargeable to human fate? A vain and miserable life is the lot of nearly all mortals. Most women, whether they marry or not, will suffer and commit endless follies.”
“Don’t blame marriage for what’s just part of being human. A pointless and unhappy life is the reality for almost everyone. Most women, whether they get married or not, will experience suffering and make countless mistakes.”
“Most women—as life is at present arranged for them. Things are changing, and we try to have our part in hastening a new order.”
“Most women—as life is currently set up for them. Things are changing, and we’re doing our part to speed up this new order.”
“Ah, we use words in a different sense. I speak of human nature, not of the effect of institutions.”
“Ah, we use words differently. I’m talking about human nature, not about the impact of institutions.”
“Now it is you who are unpractical. Those views lead only to pessimism and paralysis of effort.”
“Now you’re the one being unrealistic. Those ideas just lead to negativity and inaction.”
Miss Barfoot rose.
Ms. Barfoot stood up.
“I give in to your objection against bringing the girl back to work here. I will help her in other ways. It’s quite true that she isn’t to be relied upon.”
“I agree with your concern about bringing the girl back to work here. I'll support her in other ways. It’s true she can’t be counted on.”
“Impossible to trust her in any detail of life. The pity is that her degradation can’t be used as an object lesson for our other girls.”
“It's impossible to trust her with any detail of life. The sad part is that her downfall can't be used as a lesson for the other girls.”
“There again we differ. You are quite mistaken in your ideas of how the mind is influenced. The misery of Bella Royston would not in the least affect any other girl’s way of thinking about the destiny of her sex. We must avoid exaggeration. If our friends get to think of us as fanatics, all our usefulness is over. The ideal we set up must be human. Do you think now that we know one single girl who in her heart believes it is better never to love and never to marry?”
“There again we disagree. You’re completely wrong about how the mind is influenced. Bella Royston’s misery wouldn’t impact any other girl’s perspective on the fate of her gender at all. We need to avoid exaggeration. If our friends start to see us as fanatics, we lose all our effectiveness. The ideal we establish has to be human. Do you honestly believe we know a single girl who truly thinks it’s better to never love and never marry?”
“Perhaps not,” admitted Rhoda, more cheerful now that she had gained her point. “But we know several who will not dream of marrying unless reason urges them as strongly as inclination.”
“Maybe not,” agreed Rhoda, feeling more upbeat now that she had made her point. “But we know quite a few who wouldn’t even think about marrying unless they feel as strongly about it as they do about their desires.”
Miss Barfoot laughed.
Miss Barfoot chuckled.
“Pray, who ever distinguished in such a case between reason and inclination?”
“Please, who has ever really separated reason from desire in a situation like this?”
“You are most unusually sceptical to-day,” said Rhoda, with an impatient laugh.
“You're being really skeptical today,” said Rhoda, with an impatient laugh.
“No, my dear. We happen to be going to the root of things, that’s all. Perhaps it’s as well to do so now and then. Oh, I admire you immensely, Rhoda. You are the ideal adversary of those care-nothing and believe-nothing women who keep the world back. But don’t prepare for yourself a woeful disillusion.”
“No, my dear. We’re just getting to the heart of the matter, that’s all. Maybe it’s good to do that every once in a while. Oh, I admire you so much, Rhoda. You’re the perfect opponent for those indifferent and unthinking women who hold the world back. But don’t set yourself up for a painful disappointment.”
“Take the case of Winifred Haven,” urged Miss Nunn. “She is a good-looking and charming girl, and some one or other will want to marry her some day, no doubt.”
“Take the case of Winifred Haven,” urged Miss Nunn. “She’s an attractive and charming girl, and someone will definitely want to marry her someday.”
“Forgive my interrupting you. There is great doubt. She has no money but what she can earn, and such girls, unless they are exceptionally beautiful, are very likely indeed to remain unsought.”
"Sorry to interrupt you. There's a lot of uncertainty. She only has the money she can earn, and girls like her, unless they're exceptionally beautiful, are very likely to go unnoticed."
“Granted. But let us suppose she has an offer. Should you fear for her prudence?”
“Sure. But let’s say she gets an offer. Should you worry about her judgment?”
“Winifred has much good sense,” admitted the other. “I think she is in as little danger as any girl we know. But it wouldn’t startle me if she made the most lamentable mistake. Certainly I don’t fear it. The girls of our class are not like the uneducated, who, for one reason or another, will marry almost any man rather than remain single. They have at all events personal delicacy. But what I insist upon is, that Winifred would rather marry than not. And we must carefully bear that fact in mind. A strained ideal is as bad, practically, as no ideal at all. Only the most exceptional girl will believe it her duty to remain single as an example and support to what we call the odd women; yet that is the most human way of urging what you desire. By taking up the proud position that a woman must be altogether independent of sexual things, you damage your cause. Let us be glad if we put a few of them in the way of living single with no more discontent than an unmarried man experiences.”
“Winifred has a lot of common sense,” the other admitted. “I think she’s as safe as any girl we know. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she made a really unfortunate mistake. I’m certainly not worried about it. The girls in our class are not like those who haven’t had an education, who will marry just about any guy rather than stay single for whatever reason. They have, at least, personal standards. But what I’m really emphasizing is that Winifred would prefer to marry rather than not. And we need to keep that in mind. Having a rigid ideal is just as bad as having no ideal at all. Only the most exceptional girl will think it’s her duty to stay single as a way to support what we call the unmarried women; yet that is the most relatable way to argue for what you want. By taking the proud stance that a woman must be completely independent of romantic matters, you harm your own cause. Let’s be satisfied if we help a few of them live single with no more unhappiness than an unmarried man feels.”
“Surely that’s an unfortunate comparison,” said Rhoda coldly. “What man lives in celibacy? Consider that unmentionable fact, and then say whether I am wrong in refusing to forgive Miss Royston. Women’s battle is not only against themselves. The necessity of the case demands what you call a strained ideal. I am seriously convinced that before the female sex can be raised from its low level there will have to be a widespread revolt against sexual instinct. Christianity couldn’t spread over the world without help of the ascetic ideal, and this great movement for woman’s emancipation must also have its ascetics.”
“That's a pretty unfortunate comparison,” Rhoda said coldly. “What man lives without sex? Think about that uncomfortable truth, and then tell me if I'm wrong to refuse to forgive Miss Royston. Women's fight isn't just against themselves. The situation calls for what you refer to as a strained ideal. I'm seriously convinced that before women can rise from their current state, there will need to be a widespread rebellion against sexual instincts. Christianity wouldn't have spread globally without the support of the ascetic ideal, and this significant movement for women's liberation will also need its ascetics.”
“I can’t declare that you are wrong in that. Who knows? But it isn’t good policy to preach it to our young disciples.”
“I can’t say that you’re wrong about that. Who knows? But it’s not a smart idea to preach it to our young followers.”
“I shall respect your wish; but—”
"I'll respect your wish, but—"
Rhoda paused and shook her head.
Rhoda stopped and shook her head.
“My dear,” said the elder woman gravely, “believe me that the less we talk or think about such things the better for the peace of us all. The odious fault of working-class girls, in town and country alike, is that they are absorbed in preoccupation with their animal nature. We, thanks to our education and the tone of our society, manage to keep that in the background. Don’t interfere with this satisfactory state of things. Be content to show our girls that it is their duty to lead a life of effort—to earn their bread and to cultivate their minds. Simply ignore marriage—that’s the wisest. Behave as if the thing didn’t exist. You will do positive harm by taking the other course—the aggressive course.”
“My dear,” said the older woman seriously, “trust me when I say that the less we talk or think about these matters, the better it is for everyone’s peace. The unfortunate problem with working-class girls, both in town and on the farm, is that they're too focused on their physical nature. We, because of our education and the standards of our society, manage to keep that in the background. Don’t disrupt this comfortable situation. Just show our girls that it’s their responsibility to lead a life of hard work—to earn their living and develop their minds. Simply disregard marriage—that's the smartest approach. Act as if it doesn’t exist. You’ll cause real harm by taking the opposite approach—the confrontational one.”
“I shall obey you.”
"I will obey you."
“Good, humble creature!” laughed Miss Barfoot. “Come, let us be off to Chelsea. Did Miss Grey finish that copy for Mr. Houghton?”
“Good, humble creature!” laughed Miss Barfoot. “Come on, let’s head to Chelsea. Did Miss Grey finish that copy for Mr. Houghton?”
“Yes, it has gone to post.”
“Yes, it has been sent out.”
“Look, here’s a big manuscript from our friend the antiquary. Two of the girls must get to work on it at once in the morning.”
“Look, here’s a huge manuscript from our friend the historian. Two of the girls need to start working on it first thing tomorrow morning.”
Manuscripts entrusted to them were kept in a fire-proof safe. When this had been locked up, the ladies went to their dressing-room and prepared for departure. The people who lived on the premises were responsible for cleaning the rooms and other care; to them Rhoda delivered the door-keys.
Manuscripts given to them were stored in a fireproof safe. Once it was locked up, the ladies went to their dressing room and got ready to leave. The people living on the property were in charge of cleaning the rooms and taking care of things; Rhoda handed them the door keys.
Miss Barfoot was grave and silent on the way home. Rhoda, annoyed at the subject that doubtless occupied her friend’s thoughts, gave herself up to reflections of her own.
Miss Barfoot was serious and quiet on the way home. Rhoda, irritated by the topic that was probably on her friend's mind, lost herself in her own thoughts.
CHAPTER VII
A SOCIAL ADVANCE
A week’s notice to her employers would release Monica from the engagement in Walworth Road. Such notice must be given on Monday, so that, if she could at once make up her mind to accept Miss Barfoot’s offer, the coming week would be her last of slavery behind the counter. On the way home from Queen’s Road, Alice and Virginia pressed for immediate decision; they were unable to comprehend how Monica could hesitate for another moment. The question of her place of abode had already been discussed. One of Miss Barfoot’s young women, who lived at a convenient distance from Great Portland Street, would gladly accept a partner in her lodging—an arrangement to be recommended for its economy. Yet Monica shrank from speaking the final word.
A week's notice to her employers would allow Monica to break her commitment in Walworth Road. She needed to give that notice on Monday, so if she could quickly decide to take Miss Barfoot's offer, the upcoming week would be her last week stuck behind the counter. On the way home from Queen's Road, Alice and Virginia pushed for her to decide right away; they couldn't understand why Monica would hesitate any longer. They had already talked about where she would live. One of Miss Barfoot's employees, who lived conveniently close to Great Portland Street, would be happy to share her apartment—an option that made sense financially. Still, Monica hesitated to say the final word.
“I don’t know whether it’s worth while,” she said, after a long silence, as they drew near to York Road Station, whence they were to take train for Clapham Junction.
“I’m not sure if it’s worth it,” she said, after a long silence, as they got close to York Road Station, where they were supposed to catch a train to Clapham Junction.
“Not worth while?” exclaimed Virginia. “You don’t think it would be an improvement?”
“Not worth it?” exclaimed Virginia. “You don’t think it would be an improvement?”
“Yes, I suppose it would. I shall see how I feel about it to-morrow morning.”
“Yes, I guess it would. I'll see how I feel about it tomorrow morning.”
She spent the evening at Lavender Hill, but without change in the mood thus indicated. A strange inquietude appeared in her behaviour. It was as though she were being urged to undertake something hard and repugnant.
She spent the evening at Lavender Hill, but her mood didn't change. A strange restlessness showed in her behavior. It was as if she was being pushed to do something difficult and unpleasant.
On her return to Walworth Road, just as she came within sight of the shop, she observed a man’s figure some twenty yards distant, which instantly held her attention. The dim gaslight occasioned some uncertainty, but she believed the figure was that of Widdowson. He was walking on the other side of the street, and away from her. When the man was exactly opposite Scotcher’s establishment he gazed in that direction, but without stopping. Monica hastened, fearing to be seen and approached. Already she had reached the door, when Widdowson—yes, he it was—turned abruptly to walk back again. His eye was at once upon her; but whether he recognized her or not Monica could not know. At that moment she opened the door and passed in.
On her way back to Walworth Road, just as she got within sight of the shop, she noticed a man about twenty yards away, which immediately grabbed her attention. The dim gaslight made it a bit unclear, but she thought the figure was Widdowson. He was walking on the opposite side of the street, heading away from her. When he reached the spot right in front of Scotcher’s place, he glanced in that direction without stopping. Monica hurried, afraid of being seen, and got closer. Just as she reached the door, Widdowson—yes, it was him—turned around and started walking back. His gaze fell on her, but Monica couldn’t tell if he recognized her. At that moment, she opened the door and stepped inside.
A fit of trembling seized her, as if she had barely escaped some peril. In the passage she stood motionless, listening with the intensity of dread. She could hear footsteps on the pavement; she expected a ring at the door-bell. If he were so thoughtless as to come to the door, she would on no account see him.
A wave of trembling hit her, as if she had just escaped some danger. In the hallway, she stood still, listening with a mix of fear and anxiety. She heard footsteps on the pavement and was ready for the doorbell to ring. If he was careless enough to come to the door, she wouldn’t see him for anything.
But there was no ring, and after a few minutes’ waiting she recovered her self-command. She had not made a mistake; even his features had been discernible as he turned towards her. Was this the first time that he had come to look at the place where she lived—possibly to spy upon her? She resented this behaviour, yet the feeling was confused with a certain satisfaction.
But there was no ring, and after a few minutes of waiting, she regained her composure. She hadn't made a mistake; even his face had been visible as he turned towards her. Was this the first time he had come to check out where she lived—maybe to keep an eye on her? She was annoyed by this behavior, but the feeling was mixed with a strange sense of satisfaction.
From one of the dormitories there was a view of Walworth Road. She ran upstairs, softly opened the door of that room, and peeped in. The low burning gas showed her that only one bed had an occupant, who appeared to be asleep. Softly she went to the window, drew the blind aside, and looked down into the street. But Widdowson had disappeared. He might of course be on this side of the way.
From one of the dorms, there was a view of Walworth Road. She ran upstairs, quietly opened the door to that room, and peeked inside. The dim gas light revealed that only one bed was occupied, and the person seemed to be sleeping. Quietly, she went to the window, pulled the blind aside, and looked down into the street. But Widdowson was gone. He could, of course, be on this side of the street.
“Who’s that?” suddenly asked a voice from the occupied bed.
“Who’s that?” a voice from the occupied bed suddenly asked.
The speaker was Miss Eade. Monica looked at her, and nodded.
The speaker was Miss Eade. Monica looked at her and nodded.
“You? What are you doing here?”
“You? What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see if some one was standing outside.”
"I wanted to see if someone was standing outside."
“You mean him?”
“You mean them?”
The other nodded.
The other person nodded.
“I’ve got a beastly headache. I couldn’t hold myself up, and I had to come home at eight o’clock. There’s such pains all down my back too. I shan’t stay at this beastly place much longer. I don’t want to get ill, like Miss Radford. Somebody went to see her at the hospital this afternoon, and she’s awfully bad. Well, have you seen him?”
“I’ve got a terrible headache. I couldn't keep myself together, and I had to come home at eight o'clock. My back hurts a lot, too. I won’t stay at this awful place much longer. I don’t want to get sick like Miss Radford. Someone visited her at the hospital this afternoon, and she’s really bad. So, have you seen him?”
“He’s gone. Good-night.”
"He's gone. Good night."
And Monica left the room.
And Monica exited the room.
Next day she notified her intention of leaving her employment. No questions were asked; she was of no particular importance; fifty, or, for the matter of that, five score, young women equally capable could be found to fill her place.
Next day she informed them of her decision to quit her job. No questions were asked; she wasn’t considered particularly important; fifty, or even a hundred, young women just as capable could easily take her spot.
On Tuesday morning there came a letter from Virginia—a few lines requesting her to meet her sisters, as soon as possible after closing time that evening, in front of the shop. “We have something very delightful to tell you. We do hope you gave notice to-day, as things are getting so bright in every direction.”
On Tuesday morning, there was a letter from Virginia—a few lines asking her to meet her sisters as soon as possible after work that evening in front of the shop. “We have something really exciting to tell you. We really hope you gave your notice today, as things are looking so good in every direction.”
At a quarter to ten she was able to run out, and close at hand were the two eagerly awaiting her.
At 9:45, she was able to run out, and nearby were the two eagerly waiting for her.
“Mrs. Darby has found a place for Alice,” began Virginia. “We heard by the afternoon post yesterday. A lady at Yatton wants a governess for two young children. Isn’t it fortunate?”
“Mrs. Darby has found a position for Alice,” Virginia started. “We got the news in yesterday's afternoon mail. A woman in Yatton is looking for a governess for her two young kids. Isn’t that lucky?”
“So delightfully convenient for what we were thinking of,” put in the eldest, with her croaking voice. “Nothing could have been better.”
“So perfectly convenient for what we were considering,” added the eldest, with her raspy voice. “Nothing could have been better.”
“You mean about the school?” said Monica dreamily.
“You’re talking about the school?” Monica said dreamily.
“Yes, the school,” Virginia replied, with trembling earnestness. “Yatton is convenient both for Clevedon and Weston. Alice will be able to run over to both places and make enquiries, and ascertain where the best opening would be.”
“Yes, the school,” Virginia replied, with a serious tone. “Yatton is convenient for both Clevedon and Weston. Alice will be able to go to both places and find out where the best opportunity is.”
Miss Nunn’s suggestion, hitherto but timidly discussed, had taken hold upon their minds as soon as Alice received the practical call to her native region. Both were enthusiastic for the undertaking. It afforded them a novel subject of conversation, and inspirited them by seeming to restore their self-respect. After all, they might have a mission, a task in the world. They pictured themselves the heads of a respectable and thriving establishment, with subordinate teachers, with pleasant social relations; they felt young again, and capable of indefinite activity. Why had they not thought of this long ago? and thereupon they reverted to antistrophic laudation of Rhoda Nunn.
Miss Nunn’s suggestion, which had previously been discussed only hesitantly, really captured their attention once Alice got the practical call to her hometown. Both felt excited about the idea. It gave them a fresh topic to talk about and boosted their self-esteem. After all, they might have a purpose, a task in the world. They imagined themselves leading a respectable and successful institution, with junior teachers and good social connections; they felt young again and full of energy. Why hadn’t they thought of this sooner? And so, they began to praise Rhoda Nunn again with enthusiasm.
“Is it a good place?” their younger sister inquired.
“Is it a nice place?” their younger sister asked.
“Oh, pretty good. Only twelve pounds a year, but nice people, Mrs. Darby says. They want me at once, and it is very likely that in a few weeks I shall go with them to the seaside.”
“Oh, pretty good. Just twelve pounds a year, but nice people, according to Mrs. Darby. They want me right away, and it’s very likely that in a few weeks I’ll be going with them to the seaside.”
“What could have been better?” cried Virginia. “Her health will be established, and in half a year, or less, we shall be able to come to a decision about the great step. Oh, and have you given notice, darling?”
“What could have been better?” cried Virginia. “Her health will be better, and in six months or sooner, we’ll be able to make a decision about the big step. Oh, and have you given notice, darling?”
“Yes, I have.”
"Yeah, I have."
Both clapped their hands like children. It was an odd little scene on the London pavement at ten o’clock at night; so intimately domestic amid surroundings the very antithesis of domesticity. Only a few yards away, a girl, to whom the pavement was a place of commerce, stood laughing with two men. The sound of her voice hinted to Monica the advisability of walking as they conversed, and they moved towards Walworth Road Station.
Both clapped their hands like kids. It was a strange little scene on the London pavement at ten o’clock at night; so cozy and homey, contrasting sharply with the urban environment around them. Just a few yards away, a girl, seeing the pavement as a place to do business, was laughing with two guys. The sound of her voice suggested to Monica that it would be a good idea to start walking while they talked, so they moved toward Walworth Road Station.
“We thought at first,” said Virginia, “that when Alice had gone you might like to share my room; but then the distance from Great Portland Street would be a decided objection. I might move, but we doubt whether that would be worth while. It is so comfortable with Mrs. Conisbee, and for the short remaining time—Christmas, I should think, would be a very good time for opening. If it were possible to decide upon dear old Clevedon, of course we should prefer it; but perhaps Weston will offer more scope. Alice will weigh all the arguments on the spot. Don’t you envy her, Monica? Think of being there in this summer weather!”
“We thought at first,” said Virginia, “that when Alice left, you might want to share my room; but the distance from Great Portland Street would definitely be an issue. I could move, but we’re not sure it’s worth it. It’s really comfortable with Mrs. Conisbee, and for the short time left—Christmas would be a great time to open it up, I think. If it were possible to settle on dear old Clevedon, we’d obviously prefer that; but maybe Weston will have more opportunities. Alice will consider all the arguments in person. Don’t you envy her, Monica? Just think about being there in this summer weather!”
“Why don’t you go as well?” Monica asked.
“Why don’t you go too?” Monica asked.
“I? And take lodgings, you mean? We never thought of that. But we still have to consider expenditure very seriously, you know. If possible, I must find employment for the rest of the year. Remember how very likely it is that Miss Nunn will have something to suggest for me. And when I think it will be of so much practical use for me to see her frequently for a few weeks. Already I have learnt so much from her and from Miss Barfoot. Their conversation is so encouraging. I feel that it is a training of the mind to be in contact with them.”
“I? You mean get a place to stay? We never thought of that. But we really have to think about expenses seriously, you know. If possible, I need to find a job for the rest of the year. Remember how likely it is that Miss Nunn will have something for me. And when I consider how useful it will be to see her regularly for a few weeks
“Yes, I quite share that view,” said Alice, with tremulous earnestness. “Virginia can reap much profit from intercourse with them. They have the new ideas in education, and it would be so good if our school began with the advantage of quite a modern system.”
“Yeah, I totally agree with that,” said Alice, with a nervous seriousness. “Virginia can gain a lot from engaging with them. They have fresh ideas in education, and it would be great if our school started with a completely modern system.”
Monica became silent. When her sisters had talked in the same strain for a quarter of an hour, she said absently,—
Monica fell silent. After her sisters had been chatting in the same way for about fifteen minutes, she said absentmindedly,—
“I wrote to Miss Barfoot last night, so I suppose I shall be able to move to those lodgings next Sunday.”
“I emailed Miss Barfoot last night, so I guess I’ll be able to move into those lodgings next Sunday.”
It was eleven o’clock before they parted. Having taken leave of her sisters near the station, Monica turned to walk quickly home. She had gone about half the way, when her name was spoken just behind her, in Widdowson’s voice. She stopped, and there stood the man, offering his hand.
It was eleven o’clock when they finally said goodbye. After saying goodbye to her sisters near the station, Monica quickly headed home. She had walked about halfway when she heard her name called from behind her, in Widdowson’s voice. She stopped, and there was the man, extending his hand.
“Why are you here at this time?” she asked in an unsteady voice.
“Why are you here right now?” she asked in a shaky voice.
“Not by chance. I had a hope that I might see you.”
“Not by chance. I was hoping that I might see you.”
He was gloomy, and looked at her searchingly.
He was downcast and gazed at her intently.
“I mustn’t wait to talk now, Mr. Widdowson. It’s very late.”
“I can’t wait to talk now, Mr. Widdowson. It’s really late.”
“Very late indeed. It surprised me to see you.”
“Very late, for sure. I was surprised to see you.”
“Surprised you? Why should it?”
“Surprised you? Why would it?”
“I mean that it seemed so very unlikely—at this hour.”
“I mean that it seemed really unlikely—at this hour.”
“Then how could you have hoped to see me?”
“Then how could you have expected to see me?”
Monica walked on, with an air of displeasure, and Widdowson kept beside her, incessantly eyeing her countenance.
Monica continued walking, looking unhappy, and Widdowson stayed next to her, constantly watching her face.
“No, I didn’t really think of seeing you, Miss Madden. I wished to be near the place where you were, that was all.”
“No, I didn’t really plan on seeing you, Miss Madden. I just wanted to be close to where you were, that’s all.”
“You saw me come out I dare say.”
"You saw me come out, I guess."
“No.”
“Nope.”
“If you had done, you would have known that I came to meet two ladies, my sisters. I walked with them to the station, and now I am going home. You seem to think an explanation necessary—”
“If you had done that, you would have known that I came to meet two ladies, my sisters. I walked with them to the station, and now I'm heading home. You seem to think an explanation is needed—”
“Do forgive me! What right have I to ask anything of the kind? But I have been very restless since Sunday. I wished so to meet you, if only for a few minutes. Only an hour or two ago I posted a letter to you.”
“I'm so sorry! What right do I have to ask anything like that? But I've been really uneasy since Sunday. I really wanted to see you, even if it was just for a few minutes. Just an hour or two ago, I mailed you a letter.”
Monica said nothing.
Monica said nothing.
“It was to ask you to meet me next Sunday, as we arranged. Shall you be able to do so?”
“It was to ask you to meet me next Sunday, as we planned. Will you be able to do that?”
“I’m afraid I can’t. At the end of this week I leave my place here, and on Sunday I shall be moving to another part of London.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t. At the end of this week, I’m leaving my place here, and on Sunday, I’ll be moving to another part of London.”
“You are leaving? You have decided to make the change you spoke of?”
“You're leaving? You've decided to go through with the change you mentioned?”
“Yes.”
"Yep."
“And will you tell me where you are going to live?”
“And will you tell me where you're going to live?”
“In lodgings near Great Portland Street. I must say good-night, Mr. Widdowson. I must, indeed.”
“In a place close to Great Portland Street. I really have to say good night, Mr. Widdowson. I really do.”
“Please—do give me one moment!”
“Please—give me a moment!”
“I can’t stay—I can’t—good-night!”
"I can’t stay—I can’t—goodnight!"
It was impossible for him to detain her. Ungracefully he caught at his hat, made the salute, and moved away with rapid, uneven strides. In less than half an hour he was back again at this spot. He walked past the shop many times without pausing; his eyes devoured the front of the building, and noted those windows in which there was a glimmer of light. He saw girls enter by the private door, but Monica did not again show herself. Some time after midnight, when the house had long been dark and perfectly quiet, the uneasy man took a last look, and then sought a cab to convey him home.
It was impossible for him to stop her. Clumsily, he grabbed his hat, waved goodbye, and walked away with quick, unsteady steps. In less than thirty minutes, he was back at the same spot. He walked past the shop several times without stopping; his eyes scanned the front of the building and noted the windows that had a flicker of light. He saw girls enter through the private door, but Monica didn’t appear again. Some time after midnight, when the house had been dark and completely quiet for a while, the anxious man took one last look and then looked for a cab to take him home.
The letter of which he had spoken reached Monica’s hands next morning. It was a very respectful invitation to accompany the writer on a drive in Surrey. Widdowson proposed to meet her at Herne Hill railway station, where his vehicle would be waiting. “In passing, I shall be able to point out to you the house which has been my home for about a year.”
The letter he mentioned arrived in Monica's hands the next morning. It was a very polite invitation to join the writer for a drive in Surrey. Widdowson suggested meeting her at Herne Hill railway station, where his car would be waiting. “On the way, I can show you the house that I’ve called home for about a year.”
As circumstances were, it would be hardly possible to accept this invitation without exciting curiosity in her sisters. The Sunday morning would be occupied, probably, in going to the new lodgings and making the acquaintance of her future companion there; in the afternoon, her sisters were to pay her a visit, as Alice had decided to start for Somerset on the Monday. She must write a refusal, but it was by no means her wish to discourage Widdowson altogether. The note which at length satisfied her ran thus:
As things stood, it would be almost impossible to accept this invitation without raising questions from her sisters. Sunday morning would likely be spent visiting her new place and getting to know her future roommate; in the afternoon, her sisters were set to come over since Alice planned to leave for Somerset on Monday. She needed to write a decline, but she didn’t want to completely discourage Widdowson. The note that finally felt right to her went like this:
“DEAR MR. WIDDOWSON—I am very sorry that it will be impossible for me to see you next Sunday. All day I shall be occupied. My eldest sister is leaving London, and Sunday will be my last day with her, perhaps for a long time. Please do not think that I make light of your kindness. When I am settled in my new life, I hope to be able to let you know how it suits me.—Sincerely yours,
“DEAR MR. WIDDOWSON—I’m really sorry, but I won’t be able to see you next Sunday. I’ll be busy all day. My oldest sister is leaving London, and Sunday will be my last day with her, probably for a while. Please don’t think I’m taking your kindness for granted. Once I’ve settled into my new life, I hope to let you know how it’s working out for me.—Sincerely yours,
MONICA MADDEN.”
MONICA MADDEN.
In a postscript she mentioned her new address. It was written in very small characters—perhaps an unpurposed indication of the misgiving with which she allowed herself to pen the words.
In a postscript, she noted her new address. It was written in very small letters—maybe an accidental hint of the hesitation she felt in writing those words.
Two days went by, and again a letter from Widdowson was delivered,
Two days passed, and once again a letter from Widdowson arrived,
“DEAR MISS MADDEN—My chief purpose in writing again so soon is to apologize sincerely for my behaviour on Tuesday evening. It was quite unjustifiable. The best way of confessing my fault is to own that I had a foolish dislike of your walking in the streets unaccompanied at so late an hour. I believe that any man who had newly made your acquaintance, and had thought as much about you as I have, would have experienced the same feeling. The life which made it impossible for you to see friends at any other time of the day was so evidently unsuited to one of your refinement that I was made angry by the thought of it. Happily it is coming to an end, and I shall be greatly relieved when I know that you have left the house of business.
“DEAR MISS MADDEN—I'm writing again so soon mainly to sincerely apologize for my behavior on Tuesday evening. It was completely unjustifiable. The best way to admit my mistake is to confess that I had a silly dislike of you walking alone in the streets so late at night. I believe that any man who had just met you and thought about you as much as I have would have felt the same way. The life that made it impossible for you to see friends at any other time of day seemed so clearly unsuitable for someone as refined as you that it made me angry just thinking about it. Fortunately, that situation is coming to an end, and I will feel greatly relieved when I know that you have left the business establishment.”
“You remember that we are to be friends. I should be much less than your friend if I did not desire for you a position very different from that which necessity forced upon you. Thank you very much for the promise to tell me how you like the new employment and your new friends. Shall you not henceforth be at leisure on other days besides Sunday? As you will now be near Regent’s Park, perhaps I may hope to meet you there some evening before long. I would go any distance to see you and speak with you for only a few minutes.
“You remember that we’re supposed to be friends. I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I didn’t want something better for you than the situation you’ve been forced into. Thanks a lot for promising to let me know how you like your new job and your new friends. Will you not have free time on other days besides Sunday? Since you’ll be near Regent’s Park, I hope I might get to meet you there one evening soon. I would go any distance just to see you and talk for a few minutes.”
“Do forgive my impertinence, and believe me, dear Miss Madden.— Ever yours,
“Please forgive my rudeness, and trust me, dear Miss Madden.— Always yours,
EDMUND WIDDOWSON.”
EDMUND WIDDOWSON.
Now this undoubtedly might be considered a love-letter, and it was the first of its kind that Monica had ever received. No man had ever written to her that he was willing to go “any distance” for the reward of looking on her face. She read the composition many times, and with many thoughts. It did not enchant her; presently she felt it to be dull and prosy—anything but the ideal of a love-letter, even at this early stage.
Now, this could definitely be seen as a love letter, and it was the first one Monica had ever received. No man had ever written to her saying he would go “any distance” just to see her face. She read the letter many times, thinking about it often. It didn't charm her; soon, she found it to be boring and straightforward—far from the ideal of a love letter, even at this early stage.
The remarks concerning Widdowson made in the bedroom by the girl who fancied her asleep had greatly disturbed her conception of him. He was old, and looked still older to a casual eye. He had a stiff dry way, and already had begun to show how precise and exacting he could be. A year or two ago the image of such a man would have repelled her. She did not think it possible to regard him with warm feelings; yet, if he asked her to marry him—and that seemed likely to happen very soon—almost certainly her answer would be yes. Provided, of course, that all he had told her about himself could be in some satisfactory way confirmed.
The comments about Widdowson made in the bedroom by the girl who liked him while she thought he was asleep really messed with her view of him. He was older and looked even older to someone who didn’t know him well. He had a stiff, formal way about him and was already starting to show how particular and demanding he could be. A year or two ago, the sight of a guy like him would have turned her off. She didn’t think it was possible to feel anything positive toward him; yet, if he asked her to marry him—and it seemed likely to happen very soon—she would almost definitely say yes. As long as, of course, everything he told her about himself could be verified in some satisfactory way.
Her acquaintance with him was an extraordinary thing. With what amazement and rapture would any one of her shop companions listen to the advances of a man who had six hundred a year! Yet Monica did not doubt his truthfulness and the honesty of his intentions. His life-story sounded credible enough, and the very dryness of his manner inspired confidence. As things went in the marriage war, she might esteem herself a most fortunate young woman. It seemed that he had really fallen in love with her; he might prove a devoted husband. She felt no love in return; but between the prospect of a marriage of esteem and that of no marriage at all there was little room for hesitation. The chances were that she might never again receive an offer from a man whose social standing she could respect.
Her acquaintance with him was something special. Can you imagine the shock and excitement her coworkers would feel about a guy making six hundred a year? But Monica had no doubt about his honesty or his intentions. His life story seemed believable, and his reserved nature made her trust him. Considering the situation in the dating world, she considered herself quite lucky. It appeared he was genuinely in love with her; he could end up being a caring husband. She didn't feel love for him, but when choosing between a respectful marriage and no marriage at all, there wasn’t much to think about. The reality was that she might never get another offer from a man she could look up to socially.
In the meantime there had come a civil little note from the girl whose rooms she was to share. “Miss Barfoot has spoken of you so favourably that I did not think it necessary to see you before consenting to what she suggested. Perhaps she has told you that I have my own furniture; it is very plain, but, I think, comfortable. For the two rooms, with attendance, I pay eight and sixpence a week; my landlady will ask eleven shillings when there are two of us, so that your share would be five and six. I hope you won’t think this is too much. I am a quiet and I think a very reasonable person.” The signature was “Mildred H. Vesper.”
In the meantime, I received a polite little note from the girl whose rooms I would be sharing. “Miss Barfoot has spoken of you so positively that I didn’t feel the need to meet you before agreeing to what she suggested. Perhaps she informed you that I have my own furniture; it’s quite simple, but I believe it’s comfortable. For the two rooms, including utilities, I pay eight shillings and sixpence a week; my landlady will charge eleven shillings when we’re both there, so your share would be five shillings and sixpence. I hope you don’t think that’s too much. I’m a quiet and, I think, very reasonable person.” The signature was “Mildred H. Vesper.”
The day of release arrived. As it poured with rain all the morning, Monica the less regretted that she had been obliged to postpone her meeting with Widdowson. At breakfast-time she said good-bye to the three or four girls in whom she had any interest. Miss Eade was delighted to see her go. This rival finally out of the way, Mr. Bullivant might perchance turn his attention to the faithful admirer who remained.
The day of the release came. With rain pouring all morning, Monica felt less sorry about having to postpone her meeting with Widdowson. At breakfast, she said goodbye to the few girls she cared about. Miss Eade was thrilled to see her leave. Now that this rival was out of the picture, Mr. Bullivant might finally pay attention to the loyal admirer who was still around.
She went by train to Great Portland Street, and thence by cab, with her two boxes, to Rutland Street, Hampstead Road—an uphill little street of small houses. When the cab stopped, the door of the house she sought at once opened, and on the threshold appeared a short, prim, plain-featured girl, who smiled a welcome.
She took the train to Great Portland Street, and then a cab with her two bags to Rutland Street, Hampstead Road—a steep little street with small houses. When the cab came to a stop, the door of the house she was looking for immediately opened, and a short, neat, plain-looking girl appeared on the threshold, smiling in welcome.
“You are Miss Vesper?” Monica said, approaching her.
“You're Miss Vesper?” Monica said, walking over to her.
“Yes—very pleased to see you, Miss Madden. As London cabmen have a narrow view of their duties, I’ll help you to get the boxes in.”
“Yes—I'm very glad to see you, Miss Madden. Since London cab drivers have a limited perspective on their jobs, I’ll help you bring in the boxes.”
Monica liked the girl at once. Jehu condescending to hand down the luggage, they transferred it to the foot of the staircase, then, the fare having been paid, went up to the second floor, which was the top of the house. Miss Vesper’s two rooms were very humble, but homely. She looked at Monica to remark the impression produced by them.
Monica immediately liked the girl. Jehu, in a somewhat patronizing way, handed down the luggage, which they then moved to the bottom of the staircase. After paying the fare, they went up to the second floor, which was the top of the house. Miss Vesper’s two rooms were quite modest but cozy. She glanced at Monica to see what impression they made on her.
“Will it do?”
"Is it good to go?"
“Oh, very nicely indeed. After my quarters in Walworth Road! But I feel ashamed to intrude upon you.”
“Oh, very nicely indeed. After my place on Walworth Road! But I feel embarrassed to impose on you.”
“I have been trying to find someone to share my rent,” said the other, with a simple frankness that was very agreeable. “Miss Barfoot was full of your praises—and indeed I think we may suit each other.”
“I’ve been looking for someone to split the rent,” said the other, with a straightforwardness that was quite pleasant. “Miss Barfoot spoke highly of you—and I really think we might be a good fit for one another.”
“I shall try to be as little disturbance to you as possible.”
“I'll try to be as little of a disturbance to you as possible.”
“And I to you. The street is a very quiet one. Up above here is Cumberland Market; a hay and straw market. Quite pleasant odours—country odours—reach us on market day. I am country-bred; that’s why I speak of such a trifle.”
“And I to you. The street is really quiet. Just up the road is Cumberland Market, a place for hay and straw. On market days, we catch nice scents—those country smells. I grew up in the countryside; that’s why I mention such little things.”
“So am I,” said Monica. “I come from Somerset.”
“So do I,” said Monica. “I’m from Somerset.”
“And I from Hampshire. Do you know, I have a strong suspicion that all the really nice girls in London are country girls.”
“And I'm from Hampshire. You know, I really suspect that all the truly nice girls in London are from the countryside.”
Monica had to look at the speaker to be sure that this was said in pleasantry. Miss Vesper was fond of making dry little jokes in the gravest tone; only a twinkle of her eyes and a movement of her tight little lips betrayed her.
Monica had to look at the speaker to make sure this was said in good humor. Miss Vesper liked to make dry little jokes in the most serious tone; only a spark in her eyes and a slight movement of her tight little lips gave her away.
“Shall I ask the landlady to help me up with the luggage?”
“Should I ask the landlady to help me with the luggage?”
“You are rather pale, Miss Madden. Better let me see to that. I have to go down to remind Mrs. Hocking to put salt into the saucepan with the potatoes. She cooks for me only on Sunday, and if I didn’t remind her every week she would boil the potatoes without salt. Such a state of mind is curious, but one ends by accepting it as a fact in nature.”
“You look a bit pale, Miss Madden. Let me help with that. I need to go downstairs to remind Mrs. Hocking to put salt in the saucepan with the potatoes. She only cooks for me on Sundays, and if I didn’t remind her every week, she would end up boiling the potatoes without salt. It's strange how some people think, but you eventually just accept it as a fact of life.”
They joined in merry laughter. When Miss Vesper gave way to open mirth, she enjoyed it so thoroughly that it was a delight to look at her.
They joined in cheerful laughter. When Miss Vesper let herself laugh freely, she enjoyed it so much that it was a joy to watch her.
By the time dinner was over they were on excellent terms, and had exchanged a great deal of personal information. Mildred Vesper seemed to be one of the most contented of young women. She had sisters and brothers, whom she loved, all scattered about England in pursuit of a livelihood; it was rare for any two of them to see each other, but she spoke of this as quite in the order of things. For Miss Barfoot her respect was unbounded.
By the time dinner ended, they were on great terms and had shared a lot of personal information. Mildred Vesper seemed like one of the happiest young women. She had siblings whom she loved, all spread across England looking for work; it was uncommon for any two of them to meet, but she considered this completely normal. She held Miss Barfoot in the highest regard.
“She had made more of me than any one else could have done. When I first met her, three years ago, I was a simpleton; I thought myself ill-used because I had to work hard for next to no payment and live in solitude. Now I should be ashamed to complain of what falls to the lot of thousands of girls.”
“She had done more for me than anyone else ever could. When I first met her three years ago, I was clueless; I thought I was being mistreated because I had to work hard for barely any pay and live alone. Now, I would feel ashamed to complain about what a lot of girls have to deal with.”
“Do you like Miss Nunn?” asked Monica.
“Do you like Miss Nunn?” Monica asked.
“Not so well as Miss Barfoot, but I think very highly of her. Her zeal makes her exaggerate a little now and then, but then the zeal is so splendid. I haven’t it myself—not in that form.”
“Not as much as Miss Barfoot, but I have a very high opinion of her. Her enthusiasm sometimes causes her to exaggerate a bit, but that enthusiasm is so impressive. I don’t have that kind of passion myself.”
“You mean—”
"You mean—"
“I mean that I feel a shameful delight when I hear of a girl getting married. It’s very weak, no doubt; perhaps I shall improve as I grow older. But I have half a suspicion, do you know, that Miss Barfoot is not without the same weakness.”
"I mean that I feel a guilty pleasure when I hear about a girl getting married. It’s definitely a weakness; maybe I’ll get better as I get older. But I have a sneaking suspicion, you know, that Miss Barfoot isn’t without the same flaw."
Monica laughed, and spoke of something else. She was in good spirits; already her companion’s view of life began to have an effect upon her; she thought of people and things in a more lightsome way, and was less disposed to commiserate herself.
Monica laughed and talked about something else. She was feeling happy; already her companion’s perspective on life started to influence her; she thought about people and things in a more cheerful way and was less inclined to feel sorry for herself.
The bedroom which both were to occupy might with advantage have been larger, but they knew that many girls of instinct no less delicate than their own had to endure far worse accommodation in London—where poverty pays for its sheltered breathing-space at so much a square foot. It was only of late that Miss Vesper had been able to buy furniture (four sovereigns it cost in all), and thus to allow herself the luxury of two rooms at the rent she previously paid for one. Miss Barfoot did not remunerate her workers on a philanthropic scale, but strictly in accordance with market prices; common sense dictated this principle. In talking over their arrangements, Monica decided to expend a few shillings on the purchase of a chair-bedstead for her own use.
The bedroom they were going to share could have been bigger, but they were aware that many girls with just as delicate sensibilities as theirs had to deal with much worse living conditions in London—where poverty costs a premium for every square foot. It was only recently that Miss Vesper had managed to buy some furniture (it cost her four pounds total), allowing her the luxury of two rooms for the same rent she had previously paid for one. Miss Barfoot didn't pay her workers generously; she paid them strictly based on market rates, as common sense suggested. While discussing their plans, Monica decided to spend a few shillings on a chair-bed for her own use.
“I often have nightmares,” she remarked, “and kick a great deal. It wouldn’t be nice to give you bruises.”
“I often have nightmares,” she said, “and I kick a lot. It wouldn’t be nice to give you bruises.”
A week passed. Alice had written from Yatton, and in a cheerful tone. Virginia, chronically excited, had made calls at Rutland Street and at Queen’s Road; she talked like one who had suddenly received a great illumination, and her zeal in the cause of independent womanhood rivalled Miss Nunn’s. Without enthusiasm, but seemingly contented, Monica worked at the typewriting machine, and had begun certain studies which her friends judged to be useful. She experienced a growth of self-respect. It was much to have risen above the status of shop-girl, and the change of moral atmosphere had a very beneficial effect upon her.
A week went by. Alice had written from Yatton, and her tone was cheerful. Virginia, always excited, made visits to Rutland Street and Queen’s Road; she spoke like someone who had just had a major realization, and her passion for independent womanhood matched Miss Nunn’s. Without much enthusiasm but seeming satisfied, Monica worked at the typewriter and had started studying subjects her friends thought would be helpful. She felt a growing sense of self-respect. It was significant to have moved beyond the status of shop girl, and the shift in the moral environment had a very positive impact on her.
Mildred Vesper was a studious little person, after a fashion of her own. She possessed four volumes of Maunder’s “Treasuries,” and to one or other of these she applied herself for at least an hour every evening.
Mildred Vesper was a pretty studious person in her own way. She had four volumes of Maunder’s “Treasuries,” and she dedicated at least an hour every evening to one of them.
“By nature,” she said, when Monica sought an explanation of this study, “my mind is frivolous. What I need is a store of solid information, to reflect upon. No one could possibly have a worse memory, but by persevering I manage to learn one or two facts a day.”
“By nature,” she said, when Monica asked for an explanation of this study, “my mind is pretty shallow. What I really need is a stash of solid information to think about. No one could have a worse memory than I do, but if I keep at it, I manage to learn one or two facts each day.”
Monica glanced at the books now and then, but had no desire to cultivate Maunder’s acquaintance. Instead of reading, she meditated the problems of her own life.
Monica looked at the books every now and then, but she didn't want to get to know Maunder. Instead of reading, she pondered the challenges in her own life.
Edmund Widdowson, of course, wrote to her at the new address. In her reply she again postponed their meeting. Whenever she went out in the evening, it was with expectation of seeing him somewhere in the neighbourhood; she felt assured that he had long ago come to look at the house, and more likely than not his eyes had several times been upon her. That did not matter; her life was innocent, and Widdowson might watch her coming and going as much as he would.
Edmund Widdowson, of course, wrote to her at the new address. In her reply, she once again postponed their meeting. Whenever she went out in the evening, she hoped to see him somewhere nearby; she was sure he had already looked at the house, and it was likely that he had seen her several times. That didn’t bother her; her life was innocent, and Widdowson could watch her come and go as much as he wanted.
At length, about nine o’clock one evening, she came face to face with him. It was in Hampstead Road; she had been buying at a draper’s, and carried the little parcel. At the moment of recognition, Widdowson’s face so flushed and brightened that Monica could not help a sympathetic feeling of pleasure.
At last, around nine o’clock one evening, she ran into him. It was on Hampstead Road; she had just bought something at a store and was carrying a small package. When they recognized each other, Widdowson’s face lit up and turned bright red, which made Monica feel a wave of happiness for him.
“Why are you so cruel to me?” he said in a low voice, as she gave her hand. “What a time since I saw you!”
“Why are you being so cruel to me?” he said softly, as she offered her hand. “It's been such a long time since I saw you!”
“Is that really true?” she replied, with an air more resembling coquetry than any he had yet seen in her.
“Is that really true?” she replied, with a vibe that felt more flirtatious than anything he had seen in her before.
“Since I spoke to you, then.”
“Since I last talked to you, then.”
“When did you see me?”
"When did you last see me?"
“Three evenings ago. You were walking in Tottenham Court Road with a young lady.”
“Three nights ago. You were walking on Tottenham Court Road with a young woman.”
“Miss Vesper, the friend I live with.”
“Miss Vesper, the friend I live with.”
“Will you give me a few minutes now?” he asked humbly. “Is it too late?”
“Can you spare me a few minutes now?” he asked sincerely. “Is it too late?”
For reply Monica moved slowly on. They turned up one of the ways parallel with Rutland Street, and so came into the quiet district that skirts Regent’s Park, Widdowson talking all the way in a strain of all but avowed tenderness, his head bent towards her and his voice so much subdued that occasionally she lost a few words.
For her response, Monica continued walking slowly. They took one of the streets parallel to Rutland Street and entered the peaceful area near Regent’s Park, with Widdowson talking the entire time in a tone of nearly open affection, his head inclined toward her and his voice so soft that she occasionally missed a few words.
“I can’t live without seeing you,” he said at length. “If you refuse to meet me, I have no choice but to come wandering about the places where you are. Don’t, pray don’t think I spy upon you. Indeed, it is only just to see your face or your form as you walk along. When I have had my journey in vain I go back in misery. You are never out of my thoughts—never.”
“I can’t live without seeing you,” he finally said. “If you won’t meet me, I have no choice but to wander around the places where you are. Please don’t think I’m spying on you. Honestly, I just want to see your face or watch you walk by. When I have gone on my journey for nothing, I return feeling miserable. You are always on my mind—always.”
“I am sorry for that, Mr. Widdowson.”
“I’m sorry about that, Mr. Widdowson.”
“Sorry? Are you really sorry? Do you think of me with less friendliness than when we had our evening on the river?”
“Sorry? Are you really sorry? Do you think of me with less friendliness than when we spent the evening on the river?”
“Oh, not with less friendliness. But if I only make you unhappy—”
“Oh, not with less friendliness. But if all I do is make you unhappy—”
“In one way unhappy, but as no one else ever had the power to. If you would let me meet you at certain times my restlessness would be at an end. The summer is going so quickly. Won’t you come for that drive with me next Sunday? I will be waiting for you at any place you like to appoint. If you could imagine what joy it would give me!”
“In one way I’m unhappy, but no one else has ever had the power to change that. If you’d let me meet you at certain times, my restlessness would end. The summer is flying by. Won’t you come for that drive with me next Sunday? I’ll be waiting for you wherever you choose. Just think of the joy it would bring me!”
Presently Monica assented. If it were fine, she would be by the south-east entrance to Regent’s Park at two o’clock. He thanked her with words of the most submissive gratitude, and then they parted.
Currently, Monica agreed. If the weather was nice, she would be at the southeast entrance to Regent’s Park at two o’clock. He thanked her with the most humble gratitude, and then they went their separate ways.
The day proved doubtful, but she kept her appointment. Widdowson was on the spot with horse and trap. These were not, as he presently informed Monica, his own property, but hired from a livery stable, according to his custom.
The day looked uncertain, but she kept her appointment. Widdowson was there with a horse and trap. These, as he soon told Monica, weren't his own but rented from a livery stable, as he usually did.
“It won’t rain,” he exclaimed, gazing at the sky. “It shan’t rain! These few hours are too precious to me.”
“It won’t rain,” he exclaimed, looking at the sky. “It shouldn’t rain! These few hours are too precious to me.”
“It would be very awkward if it did,” Monica replied, in merry humour, as they drove along.
“It would be really awkward if it did,” Monica replied, in a cheerful mood, as they drove along.
The sky threatened till sundown, but Widdowson was able to keep declaring that rain would not come. He took a south-westward course, crossed Waterloo Bridge, and thence by the highways made for Herne Hill. Monica observed that he made a short detour to avoid Walworth Road. She asked his reason.
The sky looked ominous until sunset, but Widdowson kept insisting that it wouldn't rain. He headed southwest, crossed Waterloo Bridge, and then took the main roads toward Herne Hill. Monica noticed that he took a quick detour to avoid Walworth Road. She asked him why.
“I hate the road!” Widdowson answered, with vehemence.
“I hate the road!” Widdowson replied fiercely.
“You hate it?”
“Do you hate it?”
“Because you slaved and suffered there. If I had the power, I would destroy it—every house. Many a time,” he added, in a lower voice, “when you were lying asleep, I walked up and down there in horrible misery.”
“Because you worked so hard and went through so much there. If I could, I would wipe it out—every house. Many times,” he continued, in a softer voice, “while you were asleep, I paced back and forth there in terrible anguish.”
“Just because I had to stand at a counter?”
“Just because I had to stand at a counter?”
“Not only that. It wasn’t fit for you to work in that way—but the people about you! I hated every face of man or woman that passed along the street.”
“Not only that. It wasn’t right for you to work like that—but the people around you! I hated every face of every man or woman that walked down the street.”
“I didn’t like the society.”
"I didn't like society."
“I should hope not. Of course, I know you didn’t. Why did you ever come to such a place?”
“I sure hope not. Of course, I know you didn’t. Why did you come to a place like this?”
There was severity rather than sympathy in his look.
There was more sternness than empathy in his gaze.
“I was tired of the dull country life,” Monica replied frankly. “And then I didn’t know what the shops and the people were like.”
“I was tired of the boring country life,” Monica replied honestly. “And I didn’t know what the shops and the people were like.”
“Do you need a life of excitement?” he asked, with a sidelong glance.
“Do you want a life full of excitement?” he asked, glancing sideways.
“Excitement? No, but one must have change.”
“Excitement? No, but change is necessary.”
When they reached Herne Hill, Widdowson became silent, and presently he allowed the horse to walk.
When they got to Herne Hill, Widdowson fell silent, and soon he let the horse walk.
“That is my house, Miss Madden—the right-hand one.”
"That's my house, Miss Madden—the one on the right."
Monica looked, and saw two little villas, built together with stone facings, porches at the doors and ornamented gables.
Monica looked and saw two small villas made of stone, with porches at the entrances and decorated gables.
“I only wanted to show it you,” he added quickly. “There’s nothing pretty or noticeable about it, and it isn’t at all grandly furnished. My old housekeeper and one servant manage to keep it in order.”
“I just wanted to show it to you,” he added quickly. “There's nothing special or eye-catching about it, and it's not at all lavishly decorated. My old housekeeper and one servant keep it tidy.”
They passed, and Monica did not allow herself to look back.
They walked past, and Monica didn't let herself look back.
“I think it’s a nice house,” she said presently.
“I think it’s a nice house,” she said now.
“All my life I have wished to have a house of my own, but I didn’t dare to hope I ever should. Men in general don’t seem to care so long as they have lodgings that suit them—I mean unmarried men. But I always wanted to live alone—without strangers, that is to say. I told you that I am not very sociable. When I got my house, I was like a child with a toy; I couldn’t sleep for satisfaction. I used to walk all over it, day after day, before it was furnished. There was something that delighted me in the sound of my footsteps on the staircases and the bare floors. Here I shall live and die, I kept saying to myself. Not in solitude, I hoped. Perhaps I might meet some one—”
“All my life, I’ve wanted a house of my own, but I never really believed I would have one. Most men don’t seem to care, as long as they have a place to stay—I mean single men. But I always dreamed of living alone—without strangers, that is. I told you I’m not very social. When I finally got my house, I felt like a kid with a new toy; I couldn’t sleep from happiness. I used to walk through it every day before it was furnished. There was something that thrilled me about the sound of my footsteps on the stairs and the bare floors. Here I will live and die, I kept telling myself. Not in loneliness, I hoped. Maybe I would meet someone—”
Monica interrupted him to ask a question about some object in the landscape. He answered her very briefly, and for a long time neither spoke. Then the girl, glancing at him with a smile of apology, said in a gentle tone—
Monica cut him off to ask a question about something in the landscape. He replied briefly, and for a long time, neither said anything. Then the girl, giving him a apologetic smile, said in a soft tone—
“You were telling me how the house pleased you. Have you still the same pleasure in living there?”
“You were saying how much you liked the house. Do you still enjoy living there?”
“Yes. But lately I have been hoping—I daren’t say more. You will interrupt me again.”
“Yes. But lately I’ve been hoping—I shouldn’t say more. You’ll interrupt me again.”
“Which way are we going now, Mr. Widdowson?”
“Which way are we headed now, Mr. Widdowson?”
“To Streatham, then on to Carshalton. At five o’clock we will use our right as travellers, and get some innkeeper to make tea for us. Look, the sun is trying to break through; we shall have a fine evening yet. May I, without rudeness, say that you look better since you left that abominable place.”
“To Streatham, then on to Carshalton. At five o’clock, we’ll take advantage of our rights as travelers and get some innkeeper to make tea for us. Look, the sun is trying to break through; we should still have a nice evening. Can I, without being rude, say that you look better since you left that dreadful place?”
“Oh, I feel better.”
“Oh, I feel good now.”
After keeping his look fixed for a long time on the horse’s ears, Widdowson turned gravely to his companion.
After staring intently at the horse's ears for a while, Widdowson turned seriously to his companion.
“I told you about my sister-in-law. Would you be willing to make her acquaintance?”
“I mentioned my sister-in-law to you. Would you be open to meeting her?”
“I don’t feel able to do that, Mr. Widdowson,” Monica answered with decision.
“I can’t do that, Mr. Widdowson,” Monica replied firmly.
Prepared for this reply, he began a long and urgent persuasion. It was useless; Monica listened quietly, but without sign of yielding. The subject dropped, and they talked of indifferent things.
Prepared for this response, he started a lengthy and intense attempt to convince her. It was pointless; Monica listened calmly, but without any indication of giving in. The topic was abandoned, and they chatted about unimportant matters.
On the homeward drive, when the dull sky grew dusk about them, and the suburban street-lamps began to show themselves in long glimmering lines, Widdowson returned with shamefaced courage to the subject which for some hours had been in abeyance.
On the drive home, as the gray sky turned dark and the streetlights in the suburbs began to glow in long shimmering lines, Widdowson awkwardly but bravely brought up the topic that had been set aside for a few hours.
“I can’t part from you this evening without a word of hope to remember. You know that I want you to be my wife. Will you tell me if there is anything I can say or do to make your consent possible? Have you any doubt of me?”
“I can’t say goodbye to you tonight without leaving you with a word of hope to hold on to. You know I want you to be my wife. Can you let me know if there’s anything I can say or do to earn your agreement? Do you have any doubts about me?”
“No doubt whatever of your sincerity.”
"Without a doubt about your sincerity."
“In one sense, I am still a stranger to you. Will you give me the opportunity of making things between us more regular? Will you allow me to meet some friend of yours whom you trust?”
“In a way, I’m still a stranger to you. Will you give me the chance to establish a more regular connection between us? Will you let me meet a friend of yours whom you trust?”
“I had rather you didn’t yet.”
"I would prefer if you didn't yet."
“You wish to know still more of me, personally?”
“You want to know more about me personally?”
“Yes—I think I must know you much better before I can consent to any step of that kind.”
“Yes—I think I need to get to know you a lot better before I can agree to anything like that.”
“But,” he urged, “if we became acquaintances in the ordinary way, and knew each other’s friends, wouldn’t that be most satisfactory to you?”
“But,” he urged, “if we got to know each other in a normal way and were familiar with each other’s friends, wouldn’t that be the most satisfying for you?”
“It might be. But you forget that so much would have to be explained. I have behaved very strangely. If I told everything to my friends I should leave myself no choice.”
"It might be. But you forget that so much would need to be explained. I've acted really oddly. If I told my friends everything, I'd have no choice left."
“Oh, why not? You would be absolutely free. I could no more than try to recommend myself to you. If I am so unhappy as to fail, how would you be anything but quite free?”
“Oh, why not? You would be completely free. I could only try to win you over. If I’m unfortunate enough to fail, how could you be anything but totally free?”
“But surely you must understand me. In this position, I must either not speak of you at all, or make it known that I am engaged to you. I can’t have it taken for granted that I am engaged to you when I don’t wish to be.”
“But you must see my point. In this situation, I can either not talk about you at all or make it clear that I’m with you. I can’t let people assume I’m committed to you when that’s not what I want.”
Widdowson’s head drooped; he set his lips in a hard gloomy expression.
Widdowson’s head hung low; he pressed his lips together in a tight, somber expression.
“I have behaved very imprudently,” continued the girl. But I don’t see—I can’t see—what else I could have done. Things are so badly arranged. It wasn’t possible for us to be introduced by any one who knew us both, so I had either to break off your acquaintance after that first conversation, or conduct myself as I have been doing. I think it’s a very hard position. My sisters would call me an immodest girl, but I don’t think it is true. I may perhaps come to feel you as a girl ought to when she marries, and how else can I tell unless I meet you and talk with you? And your position is just the same. I don’t blame you for a moment; I think it would be ridiculous to blame you. Yet we have gone against the ordinary rule, and people would make us suffer for it—or me, at all events.
“I've acted really thoughtlessly,” the girl continued. “But I don’t see—I can’t see—what else I could have done. Everything is so poorly arranged. We couldn’t be introduced by anyone who knew us both, so I either had to stop seeing you after that first conversation or keep acting as I have been. I think it’s a really tough situation. My sisters would call me an inappropriate girl, but I don’t think that’s true. I might eventually feel for you the way a girl should when she gets married, but how else can I figure that out unless I meet you and talk with you? Your situation is just the same. I don’t blame you at all; I think it would be silly to blame you. Yet we’ve gone against the usual norms, and people would make us pay for it—or at least me.”
Her voice at the close was uncertain. Widdowson looked at her with eyes of passionate admiration.
Her voice at the end was unsure. Widdowson looked at her with eyes full of passionate admiration.
“Thank you for saying that—for putting it so well, and so kindly for me. Let us disregard people, then. Let us go on seeing each other. I love you with all my soul”—he choked a little at this first utterance of the solemn word—“and your rules shall be mine. Give me a chance of winning you. Tell me if I offend you in anything—if there’s anything you dislike in me.”
“Thank you for saying that—thank you for putting it so well and being so kind to me. Let’s ignore what others think. Let’s keep seeing each other. I love you with all my heart”—he paused a bit at this first use of the serious word—“and your rules will be my rules. Give me a chance to win you over. Let me know if I do anything to upset you—or if there's anything you don't like about me.”
“Will you cease coming to look for me when I don’t know of it?”
“Will you stop coming to look for me when I’m not aware of it?”
“I promise you. I will never come again. And you will meet me a little oftener?”
“I promise you. I will never come again. But will you meet me a bit more often?”
“I will see you once every week. But I must still be perfectly free.”
“I'll see you once a week. But I still need to be completely free.”
“Perfectly! I will only try to win you as any man may who loves a woman.”
“Absolutely! I’ll just try to win you over like any guy who loves a woman.”
The tired horse clattered upon the hard highway and clouds gathered for a night of storm.
The tired horse clopped along the hard road as dark clouds gathered for a night of storms.
CHAPTER VIII
COUSIN EVERARD
As Miss Barfoot’s eye fell on the letters brought to her at breakfast-time, she uttered an exclamation, doubtful in its significance. Rhoda Nunn, who rarely had a letter from any one, looked up inquiringly.
As Miss Barfoot glanced at the letters brought to her during breakfast, she made a vague exclamation that left its meaning uncertain. Rhoda Nunn, who seldom received letters from anyone, looked up with curiosity.
“I am greatly mistaken if that isn’t my cousin Everard’s writing. I thought so. He is in London.”
“I would be very wrong if that isn’t my cousin Everard’s handwriting. I thought so. He’s in London.”
Rhoda made no remark.
Rhoda didn't say anything.
“Pray read it,” said the other, handing her friend the epistle after she had gone through it.
“Please read it,” said the other, handing her friend the letter after she had finished it.
The handwriting was remarkably bold, but careful. Punctuation was strictly attended to, and in places a word had been obliterated with a circular scrawl which left it still legible.
The handwriting was impressively bold yet careful. Punctuation was meticulously observed, and in some spots, a word had been covered with a circular scribble that still made it legible.
“DEAR COUSIN MARY,—I hear that you are still active in an original way, and that civilization is more and more indebted to you. Since my arrival in London a few weeks ago, I have several times been on the point of calling at your house, but scruples withheld me. Our last interview was not quite friendly on your side, you will remember, and perhaps your failure to write to me means continued displeasure; in that case I might be rejected at your door, which I shouldn’t like, for I am troubled with a foolish sense of personal dignity. I have taken a flat, and mean to stay in London for at least half a year. Please let me know whether I may see you. Indeed I should like to. Nature meant us for good friends, but prejudice came between us. Just a line, either of welcome or “get thee behind me!” In spite of your censures, I always was, and still am, affectionately yours,
“Dear Cousin Mary, — I hear you’re still doing your own thing and that civilization owes you a lot. Since I arrived in London a few weeks ago, I’ve almost stopped by your place several times, but hesitations held me back. You’ll remember our last meeting wasn’t entirely friendly on your part, and maybe your silence means you’re still upset with me; in that case, I might be turned away at your door, which I’d really dislike, as I struggle with a silly sense of personal pride. I’ve rented a flat and plan to stay in London for at least six months. Please let me know if I can see you. I really would like to. Nature intended us to be good friends, but prejudice got in the way. Just a note, either welcoming or “stay away!” Despite your criticisms, I always was, and still am, affectionately yours,
EVERARD BARFOOT.”
EVERARD BARFOOT.
Rhoda perused the sheet very attentively.
Rhoda examined the sheet very closely.
“An impudent letter,” said Miss Barfoot. “Just like him.”
“An bold letter,” said Miss Barfoot. “Just like him.”
“Where does he appear from?”
“Where does he come from?”
“Japan, I suppose. “But prejudice came between us.” I like that! Moral conviction is always prejudice in the eyes of these advanced young men. Of course he must come. I am anxious to see what time has made of him.”
“Japan, I guess. “But prejudice got in the way.” I like that! Moral conviction is always seen as prejudice by these progressive young men. Of course he has to come. I’m eager to see what time has made of him.”
“Was it really moral censure that kept you from writing to him?” inquired Rhoda, with a smile.
“Was it really moral judgment that stopped you from writing to him?” Rhoda asked, smiling.
“Decidedly. I didn’t approve of him at all, as I have frequently told you.”
“Definitely. I didn’t like him at all, as I’ve told you many times.”
“But I gather that he hasn’t changed much.”
“But I hear he hasn’t changed much.”
“Not in theories,” replied Miss Barfoot. “That isn’t to be expected. He is far too stubborn. But in mode of life he may possibly be more tolerable.”
“Not in theories,” replied Miss Barfoot. “That’s not realistic to expect. He is way too stubborn. But in terms of lifestyle, he might be more tolerable.”
“After two or three years in Japan,” rejoined Rhoda, with a slight raising of the eyebrows.
“After two or three years in Japan,” Rhoda replied, raising her eyebrows slightly.
“He is about three-and-thirty, and before he left England I think he showed possibilities of future wisdom. Of course I disapprove of him, and, if necessary, shall let him understand that quite as plainly as before. But there’s no harm in seeing if he has learnt to behave himself.”
“He's around thirty-three, and before he left England, I think he showed signs of future wisdom. Of course, I don’t approve of him, and if needed, I will make that clear just like I did before. But there’s nothing wrong with seeing if he has learned to behave.”
Everard Barfoot received an invitation to dine. It was promptly accepted, and on the evening of the appointment he arrived at half-past seven. His cousin sat alone in the drawing-room. At his entrance she regarded him with keen but friendly scrutiny.
Everard Barfoot got an invitation to dinner. He quickly accepted, and on the night of the event, he showed up at 7:30. His cousin was alone in the living room. When he walked in, she looked at him with sharp but friendly interest.
He had a tall, muscular frame, and a head of striking outline, with large nose, full lips, deep-set eyes, and prominent eyebrows. His hair was the richest tone of chestnut; his moustache and beard—the latter peaking slightly forward—inclined to redness. Excellent health manifested itself in the warm purity of his skin, in his cheerful aspect, and the lightness of his bearing. The lower half of his forehead was wrinkled, and when he did not fix his look on anything in particular, his eyelids drooped, giving him for the moment an air of languor. On sitting down, he at once abandoned himself to a posture of the completest ease, which his admirable proportions made graceful. From his appearance one would have expected him to speak in rather loud and decided tones; but he had a soft voice, and used it with all the discretion of good breeding, so that at times it seemed to caress the ear. To this mode of utterance corresponded his smile, which was frequent, but restrained to the expression of a delicate, good-natured irony.
He had a tall, muscular build and a strikingly shaped head, with a large nose, full lips, deep-set eyes, and prominent eyebrows. His hair was a rich chestnut color; his mustache and beard—slightly pointing forward—had a hint of redness. His excellent health was evident in the warm, clear tone of his skin, his cheerful demeanor, and the lightness in his movements. The lower part of his forehead was wrinkled, and when he wasn't focused on anything specific, his eyelids drooped, giving him a momentary look of tiredness. Upon sitting down, he immediately relaxed into a posture of complete ease, which his well-proportioned body made look graceful. One might expect him to speak in a loud, confident manner, but he had a soft voice that he used with all the refinement of good manners, making it seem at times to gently soothe the ear. His way of speaking matched his smile, which was frequent yet held back, expressing a subtle, good-natured irony.
“No one had told me of your return,” were Miss Barfoot’s first words as she shook hands with him.
“No one had mentioned you were back,” were Miss Barfoot’s first words as she shook hands with him.
“I fancy because no one knew. You were the first of my kinsfolk to whom I wrote.”
“I believe because no one knew. You were the first in my family to whom I wrote.”
“Much honour, Everard. You look very well.”
“Thanks a lot, Everard. You look great.”
“I am glad to be able to say the same of you. And yet I hear that you work harder than ever.”
“I’m happy to say the same about you. Still, I hear you’re working harder than ever.”
“Who is the source of your information about me?”
“Who told you about me?”
“I had an account of you from Tom, in a letter that caught me at Constantinople.”
“I got your story from Tom in a letter that reached me while I was in Constantinople.”
“Tom? I thought he had forgotten my existence. Who told him about me I can’t imagine. So you didn’t come straight home from Japan?”
“Tom? I thought he had forgotten I existed. Who told him about me? I can’t imagine. So you didn’t come straight home from Japan?”
Barfoot was nursing his knee, his head thrown back.
Barfoot was nursing his knee, his head tilted back.
“No; I loitered a little in Egypt and Turkey. Are you living quite alone?”
“No; I hung out for a bit in Egypt and Turkey. Are you living all by yourself?”
He drawled slightly on the last word, its second vowel making quite a musical note, of wonderful expressiveness. The clear decision of his cousin’s reply was a sharp contrast.
He slightly elongated the last word, its second vowel producing a melodious note with great expressiveness. The clear decisiveness of his cousin’s response was a stark contrast.
“A lady lives with me—Miss Nunn. She will join us in a moment.”
“A woman lives with me—Miss Nunn. She’ll be here shortly.”
“Miss Nunn?” He smiled. “A partner in your activity?”
“Miss Nunn?” He smiled. “A partner in your project?”
“She gives me valuable help.”
“She gives me great help.”
“I must hear all about it—if you will kindly tell me some day. It will interest me greatly. You always were the most interesting of our family. Brother Tom promised to be a genius, but marriage has blighted the hope, I fear.”
“I really want to hear all about it—if you wouldn’t mind sharing someday. I’ll be very interested. You’ve always been the most interesting person in our family. Brother Tom was supposed to be a genius, but I’m afraid marriage has ruined that hope.”
“The marriage was a very absurd one.”
“The marriage was totally ridiculous.”
“Was it? I feared so; but Tom seems satisfied. I suppose they will stay at Madeira.”
“Was it? I thought so; but Tom seems okay with it. I guess they’ll stay in Madeira.”
“Until his wife is tired of her imaginary phthisis, and amuses herself with imagining some other ailment that requires them to go to Siberia.”
“Until his wife gets bored of her imaginary tuberculosis and entertains herself by imagining some other illness that requires them to go to Siberia.”
“Ah, that kind of person, is she?” He smiled indulgently, and played for a moment with the lobe of his right ear. His ears were small, and of the ideal contour; the hand, too, thus displayed, was a fine example of blended strength and elegance.
“Ah, that’s the kind of person she is?” He smiled with mild amusement and fiddled for a moment with the lobe of his right ear. His ears were small and perfectly shaped; the hand he displayed was a great example of a mix of strength and elegance.
Rhoda came in, so quietly that she was able to observe the guest before he had detected her presence. The movement of Miss Barfoot’s eyes first informed him that another person was in the room. In the quietest possible way the introduction was performed, and all seated themselves.
Rhoda walked in so quietly that she could see the guest before he noticed her. It was the movement of Miss Barfoot’s eyes that first let him know someone else was in the room. The introduction happened as discreetly as possible, and everyone took their seats.
Dressed, like the hostess, in black, and without ornaments of any kind save a silver buckle at her waist, Rhoda seemed to have endeavoured to liken herself to the suggestion of her name by the excessive plainness with which she had arranged her hair; its tight smoothness was nothing like so becoming as the mode she usually adopted, and it made her look older. Whether by accident or design, she took an upright chair, and sat upon it in a stiff attitude. Finding it difficult to suspect Rhoda of shyness, Miss Barfoot once or twice glanced at her with curiosity. For settled conversation there was no time; a servant announced dinner almost immediately.
Dressed in black like the hostess and wearing no accessories except for a silver buckle at her waist, Rhoda seemed to have tried to embody the simplicity suggested by her name. The way she arranged her hair was extremely plain; its tight, smooth style was far less flattering than her usual look, making her appear older. Whether it was on purpose or not, she chose an upright chair and sat in a stiff position. It was hard for Miss Barfoot to believe that Rhoda was shy, so she stole a curious glance at her a couple of times. There was no time for a proper conversation, as a servant announced dinner almost immediately.
“There shall be no forms, cousin Everard,” said the hostess. “Please to follow us.”
“There won't be any formalities, cousin Everard,” the hostess said. “Please come with us.”
Doing so, Everard examined Miss Nunn’s figure, which in its way was strong and shapely as his own. A motion of his lips indicated amused approval, but at once he commanded himself, and entered the dining-room with exemplary gravity. Naturally, he sat opposite Rhoda, and his eyes often skimmed her face; when she spoke, which was very seldom, he gazed at her with close attention.
Doing this, Everard looked at Miss Nunn’s figure, which was strong and well-proportioned, just like his. A slight smile showed his amused approval, but he quickly composed himself and walked into the dining room with serious intent. Naturally, he sat across from Rhoda, and his eyes frequently darted to her face; when she spoke, which was very rarely, he focused on her intently.
During the first part of the meal, Miss Barfoot questioned her relative concerning his Oriental experiences. Everard spoke of them in a light, agreeable way, avoiding the tone of instruction, and, in short, giving evidence of good taste. Rhoda listened with a look of civil interest, but asked no question, and smiled only when it was unavoidable. Presently the talk turned to things of home.
During the first part of the meal, Miss Barfoot asked her relative about his experiences in the East. Everard spoke about them in a casual, friendly manner, steering clear of sounding like he was lecturing, and overall, he showed good taste. Rhoda listened with a polite expression but didn’t ask any questions, smiling only when she had to. Soon, the conversation shifted to topics about home.
“Have you heard of your friend Mr. Poppleton?” the hostess asked.
“Have you heard about your friend Mr. Poppleton?” the hostess asked.
“Poppleton? Nothing whatever. I should like to see him.”
“Poppleton? Not a thing. I’d really like to see him.”
“I’m sorry to tell you he is in a lunatic asylum.”
“I’m sorry to say he is in a mental health facility.”
As Barfoot kept the silence of astonishment, his cousin went on to tell him that the unhappy man seemed to have lost his wits among business troubles.
As Barfoot remained speechless with shock, his cousin continued to tell him that the troubled man appeared to have lost his mind due to his business issues.
“Yet I should have suggested another explanation,” remarked the young man, in his most discreet tone, “You never met Mrs. Poppleton?”
“Actually, I should have offered a different explanation,” said the young man, in his most subtle tone, “You’ve never met Mrs. Poppleton?”
Seeing that Miss Nunn had looked up with interest, he addressed himself to her.
Seeing that Miss Nunn had looked up with interest, he spoke to her.
“My friend Poppleton was one of the most delightful men—perhaps the best and kindest I ever knew, and so overflowing with natural wit and humour that there was no resisting his cheerful influence. To the amazement of every one who knew him, he married perhaps the dullest woman he could have found. Mrs. Poppleton not only never made a joke, but couldn’t understand what joking meant. Only the flattest literalism was intelligible to her; she could follow nothing but the very macadam of conversation—had no palate for anything but the suet-pudding of talk.”
“My friend Poppleton was one of the most wonderful guys—maybe the best and kindest I ever met, and he was so full of natural wit and humor that it was impossible to resist his upbeat vibe. To everyone's surprise, he married what might be the dullest woman he could find. Mrs. Poppleton not only never joked but also didn’t get what joking meant. Only the most basic literal meanings made sense to her; she could only handle the driest conversations—had no taste for anything beyond the blandest chatter.”
Rhoda’s eyes twinkled, and Miss Barfoot laughed. Everard was allowing himself a freedom in expression which hitherto he had sedulously avoided.
Rhoda’s eyes sparkled, and Miss Barfoot laughed. Everard was giving himself a freedom in expression that he had previously been very careful to avoid.
“Yes,” he continued, “she was by birth a lady—which made the infliction harder to bear. Poor old Poppleton! Again and again I have heard him—what do you think?—laboriously explaining jests to her. That was a trial, as you may imagine. There we sat, we three, in the unbeautiful little parlour—for they were anything but rich. Poppleton would say something that convulsed me with laughter—in spite of my efforts, for I always dreaded the result so much that I strove my hardest to do no more than smile appreciation. My laugh compelled Mrs. Poppleton to stare at me—oh, her eyes! Thereupon, her husband began his dread performance. The patience, the heroic patience, of that dear, good fellow! I have known him explain, and re-explain, for a quarter of an hour, and invariably without success. It might be a mere pun; Mrs. Poppleton no more understood the nature of a pun than of the binomial theorem. But worse was when the jest involved some allusion. When I heard Poppleton begin to elucidate, to expound, the perspiration already on his forehead, I looked at him with imploring anguish. Why would he attempt the impossible? But the kind fellow couldn’t disregard his wife’s request. Shall I ever forget her. “Oh—yes—I see”?—when obviously she saw nothing but the wall at which she sat staring.”
“Yes,” he went on, “she was born a lady—which made it all the more difficult to endure. Poor old Poppleton! Time and time again, I’ve heard him—can you believe it?—laboriously explaining jokes to her. That was a challenge, as you can imagine. There we sat, the three of us, in the unappealing little living room—since they were anything but wealthy. Poppleton would say something that had me in stitches—in spite of my attempts, because I always dreaded the outcome so much that I tried my hardest to do no more than smile in appreciation. My laughter would make Mrs. Poppleton look at me—oh, her eyes! Then her husband would start his exhausting routine. The patience, the extraordinary patience, of that dear, good man! I’ve seen him explain and re-explain for a solid fifteen minutes, always without success. It might be just a simple pun; Mrs. Poppleton understood the nature of a pun about as well as she did the binomial theorem. But it was even worse when the joke involved some kind of reference. When I saw Poppleton start to clarify, sweat already beading on his forehead, I looked at him with a pleading expression. Why would he attempt the impossible? But the kind man couldn’t ignore his wife’s request. Shall I ever forget her? “Oh—yes—I see”?—when it was clear she saw nothing but the wall in front of her.”
“I have known her like,” said Miss Barfoot merrily.
“I've known her well,” said Miss Barfoot cheerfully.
“I am convinced his madness didn’t come from business anxiety. It was the necessity, ever recurring, ever before him, of expounding jokes to his wife. Believe me, it was nothing but that.”
“I’m sure his madness didn’t come from stress about work. It was the need, constantly present and always in front of him, to explain jokes to his wife. Trust me, that was all it was.”
“It seems very probable,” asserted Rhoda dryly.
“It seems really likely,” Rhoda said dryly.
“Then there’s another friend of yours whose marriage has been unfortunate,” said the hostess. “They tell me that Mr. Orchard has forsaken his wife, and without intelligible reason.”
“Then there’s another friend of yours whose marriage has been unfortunate,” said the hostess. “I’ve heard that Mr. Orchard has abandoned his wife, and for no understandable reason.”
“There, too, I can offer an explanation,” replied Barfoot quietly, “though you may doubt whether it justifies him. I met Orchard a few months ago in Alexandria, met him by chance in the street, and didn’t recognize him until he spoke to me. He was worn to skin and bone. I found that he had abandoned all his possessions to Mrs. Orchard, and just kept himself alive on casual work for the magazines, wandering about the shores of the Mediterranean like an uneasy spirit. He showed me the thing he had last written, and I see it is published in this month’s Macmillan. Do read it. An exquisite description of a night in Alexandria. One of these days he will starve to death. A pity; he might have done fine work.”
“There, too, I can explain,” Barfoot said quietly, “though you might wonder if it makes him look any better. A few months back, I ran into Orchard by chance in Alexandria. I didn’t recognize him until he spoke. He looked like a ghost, just skin and bones. I found out he had given all his belongings to Mrs. Orchard and was barely scraping by with random freelance work for magazines, wandering around the Mediterranean like a restless spirit. He showed me the last thing he wrote, and I see it’s published in this month’s Macmillan. You should read it. It’s a beautiful description of a night in Alexandria. One of these days, he’s going to starve. It’s a shame; he could have created some amazing work.”
“But we await your explanation. What business has he to desert his wife and children?”
“But we’re waiting for your explanation. What reason does he have to abandon his wife and kids?”
“Let me give an account of a day I spent with him at Tintern, not long before I left England. He and his wife were having a holiday there, and I called on them. We went to walk about the Abbey. Now, for some two hours—I will be strictly truthful—whilst we were in the midst of that lovely scenery, Mrs. Orchard discoursed unceasingly of one subject—the difficulty she had with her domestic servants. Ten or twelve of these handmaidens were marshalled before our imagination; their names, their ages, their antecedents, the wages they received, were carefully specified. We listened to a catalogue raisonne of the plates, cups, and other utensils that they had broken. We heard of the enormities which in each case led to their dismissal. Orchard tried repeatedly to change the subject, but only with the effect of irritating his wife. What could he or I do but patiently give ear? Our walk was ruined, but there was no help for it. Now, be good enough to extend this kind of thing over a number of years. Picture Orchard sitting down in his home to literary work, and liable at any moment to an invasion from Mrs. Orchard, who comes to tell him, at great length, that the butcher has charged for a joint they have not consumed—or something of that kind. He assured me that his choice lay between flight and suicide, and I firmly believed him.”
“Let me share a story about a day I spent with him at Tintern, not long before I left England. He and his wife were vacationing there, and I visited them. We went for a walk around the Abbey. For about two hours—I’ll be completely honest—while we were surrounded by that beautiful scenery, Mrs. Orchard talked non-stop about one topic—the trouble she had with her domestic staff. Ten or twelve of these workers were brought to life in our minds; their names, ages, backgrounds, and salaries were carefully detailed. We listened to a list of the plates, cups, and other items they had broken. We heard about the outrageous reasons that led to each one being fired. Orchard tried several times to change the subject, but it only seemed to annoy his wife. What could he or I do but patiently listen? Our walk was ruined, but there was nothing we could do about it. Now, imagine this sort of thing happening over many years. Picture Orchard sitting down at home to work on his writing, constantly at risk of being interrupted by Mrs. Orchard, who comes in to tell him, in great detail, that the butcher overcharged for a joint they haven’t used—or something similar. He told me that he felt his only options were to run away or to end it all, and I absolutely believed him.”
As he concluded, his eyes met those of Miss Nunn, and the latter suddenly spoke.
As he finished, his eyes connected with Miss Nunn's, and she suddenly spoke up.
“Why will men marry fools?”
“Why do men marry fools?”
Barfoot was startled. He looked down into his plate, smiling.
Barfoot was taken aback. He glanced down at his plate, grinning.
“A most sensible question,” said the hostess, with a laugh. “Why, indeed?”
“A very sensible question,” said the hostess with a laugh. “Why, really?”
“But a difficult one to answer,” remarked Everard, with his most restrained smile. “Possibly, Miss Nunn, narrow social opportunity has something to do with it. They must marry some one, and in the case of most men choice is seriously restricted.”
“But that's a tough question to answer,” Everard said, giving his calmest smile. “Maybe, Miss Nunn, limited social opportunities play a role in this. They have to marry someone, and for most men, their options are really limited.”
“I should have thought,” replied Rhoda, elevating her eyebrows, “that to live alone was the less of two evils.”
“I should have thought,” replied Rhoda, raising her eyebrows, “that living alone was the lesser of two evils.”
“Undoubtedly. But men like these two we have been speaking of haven’t a very logical mind.”
“Definitely. But guys like these two we've been talking about don't really have a logical mindset.”
Miss Barfoot changed the topic.
Miss Barfoot switched subjects.
When, not long after, the ladies left him to meditate over his glass of wine, Everard curiously surveyed the room. Then his eyelids drooped, he smiled absently, and a calm sigh seemed to relieve his chest. The claret had no particular quality to recommend it, and in any case he would have drunk very little, for as regards the bottle his nature was abstemious.
When, shortly after, the ladies left him to ponder over his glass of wine, Everard looked around the room with interest. Then his eyelids grew heavy, he smiled absentmindedly, and a relaxed sigh seemed to ease his chest. The claret was nothing special, and in any case, he would have drunk very little, as he had a naturally moderate disposition when it came to alcohol.
“It is as I expected,” Miss Barfoot was saying to her friend in the drawing-room. “He has changed very noticeably.”
“It’s just as I thought,” Miss Barfoot was telling her friend in the living room. “He’s changed a lot.”
“Mr. Barfoot isn’t quite the man your remarks had suggested to me,” Rhoda replied.
“Mr. Barfoot isn’t exactly the person your comments made him out to be,” Rhoda replied.
“I fancy he is no longer the man I knew. His manners are wonderfully improved. He used to assert himself in rather alarming ways. His letter, to be sure, had the old tone, or something of it.”
“I think he’s no longer the person I once knew. His manners have improved a lot. He used to assert himself in pretty alarming ways. His letter, of course, had some of the old tone.”
“I will go to the library for an hour,” said Rhoda, who had not seated herself. “Mr. Barfoot won’t leave before ten, I suppose?”
“I’ll go to the library for an hour,” said Rhoda, who hadn’t sat down. “Mr. Barfoot won’t leave before ten, right?”
“I don’t think there will be any private talk.”
“I don’t think there will be any private conversations.”
“Still, if you will let me—”
“Still, if you let me—”
So, when Everard appeared, he found his cousin alone.
So, when Everard showed up, he found his cousin by herself.
“What are you going to do?” she asked of him good-naturedly.
“What are you going to do?” she asked him playfully.
“To do? You mean, how do I propose to employ myself? I have nothing whatever in view, beyond enjoying life.”
“To do? You mean, how do I plan to keep busy? I don’t have any specific goals in mind, other than just enjoying life.”
“At your age?”
"At your age?"
“So young? Or so old? Which?”
“So young? Or so old? Which?”
“So young, of course. You deliberately intend to waste your life?”
“So young, of course. Are you really planning to throw your life away?”
“To enjoy it, I said. I am not prompted to any business or profession; that’s all over for me; I have learnt all I care to of the active world.”
“To enjoy it, I said. I'm not driven to any job or career; that’s behind me now; I've learned all I want to about the active world.”
“But what do you understand by enjoyment?” asked Miss Barfoot, with knitted brows.
“But what do you mean by enjoyment?” asked Miss Barfoot, frowning.
“Isn’t the spectacle of existence quite enough to occupy one through a lifetime? If a man merely travelled, could he possibly exhaust all the beauties and magnificences that are offered to him in every country? For ten years and more I worked as hard as any man; I shall never regret it, for it has given me a feeling of liberty and opportunity such as I should not have known if I had always lived at my ease. It taught me a great deal, too; supplemented my so-called education as nothing else could have done. But to work for ever is to lose half of life. I can’t understand those people who reconcile themselves to quitting the world without having seen a millionth part of it.”
“Isn’t the spectacle of existence enough to keep someone occupied for a lifetime? If a person just traveled, could they possibly experience all the beauty and wonder available in every country? For over ten years, I worked as hard as anyone; I’ll never regret it because it gave me a sense of freedom and opportunity that I wouldn't have known if I had always lived comfortably. It also taught me a lot, complementing my so-called education in ways nothing else could. But working forever means missing out on half of life. I just don’t get those people who come to terms with leaving the world without having seen even a tiny fraction of it.”
“I am quite reconciled to that. An infinite picture gallery isn’t my idea of enjoyment.”
“I’m totally fine with that. An endless gallery of pictures isn’t my idea of having fun.”
“Nor mine. But an infinite series of modes of living. A ceaseless exercise of all one’s faculties of pleasure. That sounds shameless to you? I can’t understand why it should. Why is the man who toils more meritorious than he who enjoys? What is the sanction for this judgment?”
“Not mine either. But an endless variety of lifestyles. A constant practice of all one's senses of enjoyment. Does that sound inappropriate to you? I don’t see why it should. Why is the person who works harder more deserving than the one who finds joy? What justifies this judgment?”
“Social usefulness, Everard.”
"Social value, Everard."
“I admit the demand for social usefulness, up to a certain point. But, really, I have done my share. The mass of men don’t toil with any such ideal, but merely to keep themselves alive, or to get wealth. I think there is a vast amount of unnecessary labour.”
“I agree that there’s a need for social usefulness, to some extent. But honestly, I’ve done my part. Most people don’t work with any ideal in mind; they just do it to survive or to make money. I believe there’s a huge amount of unnecessary work.”
“There is an old proverb about Satan and idle hands. Pardon me; you alluded to that personage in your letter.”
“There’s an old saying about Satan and idle hands. Excuse me; you mentioned that individual in your letter.”
“The proverb is a very true one, but, like other proverbs, it applies to the multitude. If I get into mischief, it will not be because I don’t perspire for so many hours every day, but simply because it is human to err. I have no intention whatever of getting into mischief.”
“The saying is definitely true, but, like other sayings, it applies to the majority. If I get into trouble, it won’t be because I don’t work hard for so many hours every day, but simply because it’s human to make mistakes. I have no intention at all of getting into trouble.”
The speaker stroked his beard, and smiled with a distant look.
The speaker stroked his beard and smiled with a faraway expression.
“Your purpose is intensely selfish, and all indulged selfishness reacts on the character,” replied Miss Barfoot, still in a tone of the friendliest criticism.
“Your purpose is really self-centered, and all that indulged selfishness has an effect on your character,” replied Miss Barfoot, still in a tone of the friendliest criticism.
“My dear cousin, for anything to be selfish, it must be a deliberate refusal of what one believes to be duty. I don’t admit that I am neglecting any duty to others, and the duty to myself seems very clear indeed.”
“My dear cousin, for something to be selfish, it has to be a conscious decision to ignore what one thinks is their responsibility. I don’t believe I’m neglecting any responsibilities to others, and my responsibility to myself seems very clear.”
“Of that I have no doubt,” exclaimed the other, laughing. “I see that you have refined your arguments.”
“Of that I have no doubt,” the other person said, laughing. “I can see that you’ve sharpened your arguments.”
“Not my arguments only, I hope,” said Everard modestly. “My time has been very ill spent if I haven’t in some degree, refined my nature.”
“Not just my arguments, I hope,” Everard said modestly. “I’ve wasted my time if I haven’t, to some extent, improved my character.”
“That sounds very well, Everard. But when it comes to degrees of self-indulgence—”
“That sounds great, Everard. But when it comes to levels of self-indulgence—”
She paused and made a gesture of dissatisfaction.
She paused and gestured her displeasure.
“It comes to that, surely, with every man. But we certainly shall not agree on this subject. You stand at the social point of view; I am an individualist. You have the advantage of a tolerably consistent theory; whilst I have no theory at all, and am full of contradictions. The only thing clear to me is that I have a right to make the most of my life.”
“It comes to that for every man, doesn’t it? But we definitely won’t see eye to eye on this topic. You approach it from a social perspective; I’m an individualist. You’ve got a fairly consistent theory, while I have no theory and am full of contradictions. The only thing I know for sure is that I have the right to make the most of my life.”
“No matter at whose expense?”
"At whose expense, though?"
“You are quite mistaken. My conscience is a tender one. I dread to do any one an injury. That has always been true of me, in spite of your sceptical look; and the tendency increases as I grow older. Let us have done with so unimportant a matter. Isn’t Miss Nunn able to rejoin us?”
“You're completely wrong. I have a sensitive conscience. I hate to hurt anyone. That's always been the case for me, despite your doubtful expression; and it only gets stronger as I get older. Let's put this minor issue behind us. Can’t Miss Nunn come back to join us?”
“She will come presently, I think.”
“She'll be here soon, I think.”
“How did you make this lady’s acquaintance?”
“How did you meet this lady?”
Miss Barfoot explained the circumstances.
Ms. Barfoot explained the situation.
“She makes an impression,” resumed Everard. “A strong character, of course. More decidedly one of the new women than you yourself—isn’t she?”
“She makes an impression,” Everard continued. “A strong character, for sure. Definitely more of one of the new women than you are—don’t you think?”
“Oh, I am a very old-fashioned woman. Women have thought as I do at any time in history. Miss Nunn has much more zeal for womanhood militant.”
“Oh, I am a very traditional woman. Women have thought like I do throughout history. Miss Nunn is much more passionate about strong womanhood.”
“I should delight to talk with her. Really, you know, I am very strongly on your side.”
“I would love to talk with her. Honestly, I’m really on your side.”
Miss Barfoot laughed.
Miss Barfoot laughed.
“Oh, sophist! You despise women.”
“Oh, sophist! You hate women.”
“Why, yes, the great majority of women—the typical woman. All the more reason for my admiring the exceptions, and wishing to see them become more common. You, undoubtedly, despise the average woman.”
“Of course, the vast majority of women—the typical woman. That only makes me admire the exceptions even more and hope to see them become more common. You, no doubt, look down on the average woman.”
“I despise no human being, Everard.”
"I don’t hate anyone, Everard."
“Oh, in a sense! But Miss Nunn, I feel sure, would agree with me.”
“Oh, in a way! But I’m sure Miss Nunn would agree with me.”
“I am very sure Miss Nunn wouldn’t. She doesn’t admire the feebler female, but that is very far from being at one with your point of view, my cousin.”
“I’m really sure Miss Nunn wouldn’t. She doesn’t admire the weaker woman, but that’s a long way from agreeing with your point of view, my cousin.”
Everard mused with a smile.
Everard smiled thoughtfully.
“I must get to understand her line of thought. You permit me to call upon you now and then?”
“I need to understand her way of thinking. Can I visit you every now and then?”
“Oh, whenever you like, in the evening. Except,” Miss Barfoot added, “Wednesday evening. Then we are always engaged.”
“Oh, whenever you want, in the evening. Except,” Miss Barfoot added, “Wednesday evening. We’re always busy then.”
“Summer holidays are unknown to you, I suppose?”
“Summer vacations are a mystery to you, I guess?”
“Not altogether. I had mine a few weeks ago. Miss Nunn will be going away in a fortnight, I think.”
“Not really. I had mine a few weeks ago. I think Miss Nunn will be leaving in two weeks.”
Just before ten o’clock, when Barfoot was talking of some acquaintances he had left in Japan, Rhoda entered the room. She seemed little disposed for conversation, and Everard did not care to assail her taciturnity this evening. He talked on a little longer, observing her as she listened, and presently took an opportunity to rise for departure.
Just before ten o’clock, when Barfoot was chatting about some friends he had left in Japan, Rhoda walked into the room. She didn’t seem very interested in talking, and Everard wasn’t in the mood to pressure her into conversation tonight. He continued talking for a little while, watching her as she listened, and eventually found a reason to get up and leave.
“Wednesday is the forbidden evening, is it not?” he said to his cousin.
“Wednesday is the forbidden night, right?” he said to his cousin.
“Yes, that is devoted to business.”
“Yes, that is dedicated to business.”
As soon as he had gone, the friends exchanged a look. Each understood the other as referring to this point of Wednesday evening, but neither made a remark. They were silent for some time. When Rhoda at length spoke it was in a tone of half-indifferent curiosity.
As soon as he left, the friends shared a glance. Each of them knew the other was thinking about that moment from Wednesday evening, but neither said anything. They stayed quiet for a while. When Rhoda finally spoke up, her tone was half-curiously indifferent.
“You are sure you haven’t exaggerated Mr. Barfoot’s failings?”
“You're sure you didn't exaggerate Mr. Barfoot’s shortcomings?”
The reply was delayed for a moment.
The response was held up for a moment.
“I was a little indiscreet to speak of him at all. But no, I didn’t exaggerate.”
“I was a bit too open to talk about him at all. But no, I didn’t exaggerate.”
“Curious,” mused the other dispassionately, as she stood with one foot on the fender. “He hardly strikes one as that kind of man.”
“Curious,” thought the other coolly, as she stood with one foot on the fender. “He doesn’t really seem like that kind of guy.”
“Oh, he has certainly changed a great deal.”
“Oh, he has definitely changed a lot.”
Miss Barfoot went on to speak of her cousin’s resolve to pursue no calling.
Miss Barfoot continued to talk about her cousin's decision to not pursue any career.
“His means are very modest. I feel rather guilty before him; his father bequeathed to me much of the money that would in the natural course have been Everard’s. But he is quite superior to any feeling of grudge on that score.”
“His resources are pretty limited. I feel a bit guilty around him; his father left me a lot of the money that would have naturally gone to Everard. But he seems totally above any resentment about that.”
“Practically, his father disinherited him?”
"Did his father really disinherit him?"
“It amounted to that. From quite a child, Everard was at odds with his father. A strange thing, for in so many respects they resembled each other very closely. Physically, Everard is his father walking the earth again. In character, too, I think they must be very much alike. They couldn’t talk about the simplest thing without disagreeing. My uncle had risen from the ranks but he disliked to be reminded of it. He disliked the commerce by which he made his fortune. His desire was to win social position; if baronetcies could be purchased in our time, he would have given a huge sum to acquire one. But he never distinguished himself, and one of the reasons was, no doubt, that he married too soon. I have heard him speak bitterly, and very indiscreetly, of early marriages; his wife was dead then, but every one knew what he meant. Rhoda, when one thinks how often a woman is a clog upon a man’s ambition, no wonder they regard us as they do.”
“It came down to that. Ever since he was a child, Everard was at odds with his father. It’s strange, because in many ways they looked a lot alike. Physically, Everard is like his father walking the earth again. In character, I think they’re pretty similar too. They couldn't discuss the simplest things without arguing. My uncle came up from humble beginnings, but he hated being reminded of it. He disliked the business that made him wealthy. He wanted to achieve social status; if titles could be bought these days, he would have paid a fortune for one. But he never stood out, and one of the reasons was, no doubt, that he got married too young. I heard him speak bitterly and quite indiscreetly about early marriages; his wife was gone by then, but everyone knew what he meant. Rhoda, when you consider how often a woman can hold back a man's ambition, it's no wonder they think of us the way they do.”
“Of course, women are always retarding one thing or another. But men are intensely stupid not to have remedied that long ago.”
“Of course, women always hold back one thing or another. But men are really stupid for not having fixed that a long time ago.”
“He determined that his boys should be gentlemen. Tom, the elder, followed his wishes exactly; he was remarkably clever, but idleness spoilt him, and now he has made that ridiculous marriage—the end of poor Tom. Everard went to Eton, and the school had a remarkable effect upon him; it made him a furious Radical. Instead of imitating the young aristocrats he hated and scorned them. There must have been great force of originality in the boy. Of course I don’t know whether any Etonians of his time preached Radicalism, but it seems unlikely. I think it was sheer vigour of character, and the strange desire to oppose his father in everything. From Eton he was of course to pass to Oxford, but at that stage came practical rebellion. No, said the boy; he wouldn’t go to a university, to fill his head with useless learning; he had made up his mind to be an engineer. This was an astonishment to every one; engineering didn’t seem at all the thing for him; he had very little ability in mathematics, and his bent had always been to liberal studies. But nothing could shake his idea. He had got it into his head that only some such work as engineering—something of a practical kind, that called for strength and craftsmanship—was worthy of a man with his opinions. He would rank with the classes that keep the world going with their sturdy toil: that was how he spoke. And, after a great fight, he had his way. He left Eton to study civil engineering.”
“He decided that his sons should be gentlemen. Tom, the older one, followed his wishes exactly; he was really bright, but laziness ruined him, and now he's made that ridiculous marriage—the end of poor Tom. Everard went to Eton, and the school had a significant impact on him; it turned him into a staunch Radical. Instead of trying to be like the young aristocrats, he despised and mocked them. There must have been a strong sense of originality in him. Of course, I don’t know if any Etonians from his time were promoting Radicalism, but it seems unlikely. I think it was just his strong character and a strange desire to oppose his father in everything. From Eton, he was supposed to go to Oxford, but then he rebelled. No, he said; he wouldn’t go to university to fill his head with useless knowledge; he had decided he wanted to be an engineer. This shocked everyone; engineering didn’t seem like a fit for him at all; he wasn’t very good at math and had always been more inclined toward liberal studies. But nothing could change his mind. He was convinced that only work like engineering—something hands-on that required strength and skill—was worthy of a man with his views. He wanted to stand with the working class that keeps the world running with their hard work: that’s how he put it. And, after a lot of struggle, he got his way. He left Eton to study civil engineering.”
Rhoda was listening with an amused smile.
Rhoda was listening with a playful smile.
“Then,” pursued her friend, “came another display of firmness or obstinacy, whichever you like to call it. He soon found out that he had made a complete mistake. The studies didn’t suit him at all, as others had foreseen. But he would have worked himself to death rather than confess his error; none of us knew how he was feeling till long after. Engineering he had chosen, and an engineer he would be, cost him what effort it might. His father shouldn’t triumph over him. And from the age of eighteen till nearly thirty he stuck to a profession which I am sure he loathed. By force of resolve he even got on to it, and reached a good position with the firm he worked for. Of course his father wouldn’t assist him with money after he came of age; he had to make his way just like any young man who has no influence.”
“Then,” her friend continued, “there was another show of determination or stubbornness, whichever you want to call it. He quickly realized he had made a huge mistake. The studies didn’t suit him at all, just like others had predicted. But he would have worked himself to death rather than admit his mistake; none of us knew how he felt until long after. He chose engineering, and he was going to be an engineer, no matter how much effort it took. His father shouldn't get the upper hand. From the age of eighteen until almost thirty, he stuck with a profession that I’m sure he hated. Through sheer determination, he even succeeded in it and got a solid position with the company he worked for. Of course, his father wouldn’t help him financially once he turned eighteen; he had to find his own way like any young man without connections.”
“All this puts him in quite another light,” remarked Rhoda.
“All this puts him in a whole new light,” remarked Rhoda.
“Yes, it would be all very well, if there were no vices to add to the picture. I never experienced such a revulsion of feeling as the day when I learnt shameful things about Everard. You know, I always regarded him as a boy, and very much as if he had been my younger brother; then came the shock—a shock that had a great part in shaping my life thenceforward. Since, I have thought of him as I have spoken of him to you—as an illustration of evils we have to combat. A man of the world would tell you that I grossly magnified trifles; it is very likely that Everard was on a higher moral level than most men. But I shall never forgive him for destroying my faith in his honour and nobility of feeling.”
“Yes, it would be great if there weren’t any flaws to complicate things. I’ve never felt such a strong sense of revulsion as the day I found out shameful things about Everard. You know, I always saw him as a boy, almost like a younger brother; then came the shock—a shock that played a huge role in shaping my life from that point on. Since then, I’ve thought of him as I’ve talked about him to you—as an example of the problems we need to fight against. A worldly person might tell you that I’m making a big deal out of nothing; it’s possible that Everard was on a higher moral level than most men. But I will never forgive him for shattering my faith in his honor and noble feelings.”
Rhoda had a puzzled look.
Rhoda looked confused.
“Perhaps even now you are unintentionally misleading me,” she said. “I have supposed him an outrageous profligate.”
“Maybe even now you’re accidentally misguiding me,” she said. “I thought he was an extreme spendthrift.”
“He was vicious and cowardly—I can’t say any more.”
“He was cruel and spineless—I can’t say anything else.”
“And that was the immediate cause of his father’s leaving him poorly provided for?”
“And that was the main reason his father left him in such bad shape?”
“It had much to do with it, I have no doubt.”
"It definitely had a lot to do with it, I'm sure."
“I see. I imagined that he was cast out of all decent society.”
"I get it. I assumed he was rejected by all respectable society."
“If society were really decent, he would have been. It’s strange how completely his Radicalism has disappeared. I believe he never had a genuine sympathy with the labouring classes. And what’s more, I fancy he had a great deal of his father’s desire for command and social distinction. If he had seen his way to become a great engineer, a director of vast enterprises, he wouldn’t have abandoned his work. An incredible stubbornness has possibly spoilt his whole life. In a congenial pursuit he might by this time have attained to something noteworthy. It’s too late now, I fear.”
“If society were really decent, he would have been. It’s strange how completely his radical views have faded away. I believe he never truly cared about the working class. Plus, I think he inherited a lot of his father’s ambition for power and social status. If he had been able to become a great engineer or the head of large companies, he wouldn’t have given up on his work. An incredible stubbornness may have ruined his entire life. In a field he enjoyed, he might have achieved something significant by now. It’s too late for that, I fear.”
Rhoda meditated.
Rhoda practiced mindfulness.
“Does he aim at nothing whatever?”
“Is he aiming for nothing at all?”
“He won’t admit any ambition. He has no society. His friends are nearly all obscure people, like those you heard him speak of this evening.”
“He won’t acknowledge any ambition. He has no social life. His friends are mostly unknown individuals, like those you heard him mention tonight.”
“After all, what ambition should he have?” said Rhoda, with a laugh. “There’s one advantage in being a woman. A woman with brains and will may hope to distinguish herself in the greatest movement of our time—that of emancipating her sex. But what can a man do, unless he has genius?”
“After all, what ambition should he have?” Rhoda said with a laugh. “There’s one advantage to being a woman. A woman with intelligence and determination can hope to make a mark in the biggest movement of our time—the fight for her rights. But what can a man do, unless he has genius?”
“There’s the emancipation of the working classes. That is the great sphere for men; and Everard cares no more for the working classes than I do.”
“There’s the liberation of the working class. That is the big area for men; and Everard cares no more about the working class than I do.”
“Isn’t it enough to be free oneself?”
“Isn’t it enough to be free?”
“You mean that he has task enough in striving to be an honourable man?”
“You mean that he has plenty to do in trying to be an honorable man?”
“Perhaps. I hardly know what I meant.”
“Maybe. I barely know what I meant.”
Miss Barfoot mused, and her face lighted up with a glad thought.
Miss Barfoot thought for a moment, and her face brighten with a happy idea.
“You are right. It’s better to be a woman, in our day. With us is all the joy of advance, the glory of conquering. Men have only material progress to think about. But we—we are winning souls, propagating a new religion, purifying the earth!”
“You're right. It's better to be a woman today. We have all the joy of progress, the glory of conquering. Men only have material progress to focus on. But we—we're winning hearts, spreading a new belief, cleansing the world!”
Rhoda nodded thrice.
Rhoda nodded three times.
“My cousin is a fine specimen of a man, after all, in body and mind. But what a poor, ineffectual creature compared with you, Rhoda! I don’t flatter you, dear. I tell you bluntly of your faults and extravagances. But I am proud of your magnificent independence, proud of your pride, dear, and of your stainless heart. Thank Heaven we are women!”
“My cousin is a great guy, both physically and mentally. But what a weak, useless person he is compared to you, Rhoda! I’m not trying to flatter you, dear. I speak honestly about your flaws and excesses. But I’m proud of your amazing independence, proud of your pride, dear, and of your pure heart. Thank goodness we are women!”
It was rare indeed for Miss Barfoot to be moved to rhapsody. Again Rhoda nodded, and then they laughed together, with joyous confidence in themselves and in their cause.
It was very uncommon for Miss Barfoot to be filled with enthusiasm. Once more, Rhoda nodded, and then they both laughed together, feeling joyful and confident in themselves and in their mission.
CHAPTER IX
THE SIMPLE FAITH
Seated in the reading-room of a club to which he had newly procured admission, Everard Barfoot was glancing over the advertisement columns of a literary paper. His eye fell on an announcement that had a personal interest to him, and at once he went to the writing-table to pen a letter.
Seated in the reading room of a club to which he had just gained access, Everard Barfoot was browsing through the advertisement sections of a literary magazine. His attention caught on an announcement that personally interested him, and he immediately went to the writing desk to write a letter.
“DEAR MICKLETHWAITE,—I am back in England, and ought before this to have written to you. I see you have just published a book with an alarming title, “A Treatise on Trilinear Co-ordinates.” My hearty congratulations on the completion of such a labour; were you not the most disinterested of mortals, I would add a hope that it may somehow benefit you financially. I presume there are people who purchase such works. But of course the main point with you is to have delivered your soul on Trilinear Co-ordinates. Shall I run down to Sheffield to see you, or is there any chance of the holidays bringing you this way? I have found a cheap flat, poorly furnished, in Bayswater; the man who let it to me happens to be an engineer, and is absent on Italian railway work for a year or so. My stay in London won’t, I think, be for longer than six months, but we must see each other and talk over old times,” etc.
“DEAR MICKLETHWAITE,—I’m back in England and should have written to you by now. I see you’ve just published a book with a concerning title, “A Treatise on Trilinear Co-ordinates.” Congratulations on finishing such a big project; if you weren’t the most selfless person around, I would wish that it somehow brings you some financial gain. I assume there are people who actually buy these kinds of books. But of course, what matters most to you is that you’ve shared your thoughts on Trilinear Co-ordinates. Should I come down to Sheffield to visit you, or will the holidays bring you my way? I’ve found a cheap, sparsely furnished flat in Bayswater; the guy who rented it to me is an engineer and is away working on Italian railways for about a year. I don’t think I’ll be in London for more than six months, but we definitely need to catch up and reminisce about old times,” etc.
This he addressed to a school at Sheffield. The answer, directed to the club, reached him in three days.
This was addressed to a school in Sheffield. The response, sent to the club, arrived within three days.
“My DEAR BARFOOT,—I also am in London; your letter has been forwarded from the school, which I quitted last Easter. Disinterested or not, I am happy to tell you that I have got a vastly better appointment. Let me know when and where to meet you; or if you like, come to these lodgings of mine. I don’t enter upon duties till end of October, and am at present revelling in mathematical freedom. There’s a great deal to tell.—Sincerely yours,
“My DEAR BARFOOT,—I’m also in London; your letter was forwarded from the school I left last Easter. Whether this is self-serving or not, I’m happy to inform you that I’ve landed a much better job. Let me know when and where we can meet, or if you prefer, you can come to my place. I don’t start my new responsibilities until the end of October, and for now, I’m enjoying some freedom with my math studies. There’s so much to share.—Sincerely yours,
THOMAS MICKLETHWAITE.”
THOMAS MICKLETHWAITE.
Having no occupation for his morning, Barfoot went at once to the obscure little street by Primrose Hill where his friend was lodging. He reached the house about noon, and, as he had anticipated, found the mathematician deep in study. Micklethwaite was a man of forty, bent in the shoulders, sallow, but not otherwise of unhealthy appearance; he had a merry countenance, a great deal of lank, disorderly hair, and a beard that reached to the middle of his waistcoat. Everard’s acquaintance with him dated from ten years ago, when Micklethwaite had acted as his private tutor in mathematics.
Having no plans for the morning, Barfoot went straight to the little street by Primrose Hill where his friend was staying. He arrived at the house around noon and, as he expected, found the mathematician deeply engrossed in his studies. Micklethwaite was a man in his forties, hunched over a bit, with a sallow complexion, but otherwise looked healthy; he had a cheerful face, a lot of messy, thin hair, and a beard that reached the middle of his waistcoat. Everard had known him for ten years, ever since Micklethwaite had been his private tutor in mathematics.
The room was a musty little back-parlour on the ground floor.
The room was a stuffy little back parlor on the ground floor.
“Quiet, perfectly quiet,” declared its occupant, “and that’s all I care for. Two other lodgers in the house; but they go to business every morning at half-past eight, and are in bed by ten at night. Besides, it’s only temporary. I have great things in view—portentous changes! I’ll tell you all about it presently.”
“Quiet, totally quiet,” said the person living there, “and that’s all I need. There are two other tenants in the house, but they leave for work every morning at 8:30 and are in bed by 10 PM. Plus, this is just temporary. I have big plans ahead—huge changes! I’ll fill you in on it soon.”
He insisted, first of all, on hearing a full account of Barfoot’s history since they both met. They had corresponded about twice a year, but Everard was not fond of letter-writing, and on each occasion gave only the briefest account of himself. In listening, Micklethwaite assumed extraordinary positions, the result, presumably, of a need of physical exercise after hours spent over his work. Now he stretched himself at full length on the edge of his chair, his arms extended above him; now he drew up his legs, fixed his feet on the chair, and locked his hands round his knees; thus perched, he swayed his body backwards and forwards, till it seemed likely that he would pitch head foremost on to the floor. Barfoot knew these eccentricities of old, and paid no attention to them.
He insisted on hearing a complete account of Barfoot's life since they last met. They had kept in touch about twice a year, but Everard didn't enjoy writing letters and kept his updates very brief. While listening, Micklethwaite adopted some unusual positions, probably because he needed physical activity after sitting at his desk for hours. Now he stretched out fully on the edge of his chair with his arms raised above him; then he pulled his legs up, planted his feet on the chair, and wrapped his hands around his knees. Perched like this, he swayed his body back and forth, making it look like he might topple over onto the floor. Barfoot was familiar with these quirks and didn’t pay them any mind.
“And what is the appointment you have got?” he asked at length, dismissing his own affairs with impatience.
“And what appointment do you have?” he asked after a while, brushing off his own concerns with annoyance.
It was that of mathematical lecturer at a London college.
It was the position of a math lecturer at a college in London.
“I shall have a hundred and fifty a year, and be able to take private pupils. On two hundred, at least, I can count, and there are possibilities I won’t venture to speak of, because it doesn’t do to be too hopeful. Two hundred a year is a great advance for me.”
“I’ll have one hundred and fifty a year, and I’ll be able to take on private students. I can definitely count on at least two hundred, and there are opportunities I won’t mention, because it’s not wise to be too optimistic. Two hundred a year is a big step forward for me.”
“Quite enough, I suppose,” said Everard kindly.
“That's plenty, I guess,” Everard said kindly.
“Not—not enough. I must make a little more somehow.”
“Not—not enough. I need to figure out how to make a little more.”
“Hollo! Why this spirit of avarice all at once?”
“Hollo! Why this sudden desire for greed?”
The mathematician gave a shrill, cackling laugh, and rolled upon his chair.
The mathematician let out a loud, cackling laugh and rolled in his chair.
“I must have more than two hundred. I should be satisfied with three hundred, but I’ll take as much more as I can get.”
“I need to have more than two hundred. I should be happy with three hundred, but I’ll take as much more as I can get.”
“My revered tutor, this is shameless. I came to pay my respects to a philosopher, and I find a sordid worldling. Look at me! I am a man of the largest needs, spiritual and physical, yet I make my pittance of four hundred and fifty suffice, and never grumble. Perhaps you aim at an income equal to my own?”
“My respected teacher, this is disgraceful. I came to honor a philosopher, and instead I encounter a disreputable worldly person. Just look at me! I'm someone with significant spiritual and physical needs, yet I manage to live on my modest income of four hundred and fifty without complaint. Are you perhaps striving for an income that matches mine?”
“I do! What’s four hundred and fifty? If you were a man of enterprise you would double or treble it. I put a high value on money. I wish to be rich!”
“I do! What’s four hundred and fifty? If you were a go-getter, you would double or triple it. I really value money. I want to be rich!”
“You are either mad or are going to get married.”
“You're either crazy or about to get married.”
Micklethwaite cackled louder than ever.
Micklethwaite laughed harder than ever.
“I am planning a new algebra for school use. If I’m not much mistaken, I can turn out something that will supplant all the present books. Think! If Micklethwaite’s Algebra got accepted in all the schools, what would that mean to Mick? Hundreds a year, my boy—hundreds.”
“I’m working on a new algebra textbook for schools. If I’m right, I can create something that will replace all the current books. Just think! If Micklethwaite’s Algebra gets adopted in all the schools, what would that mean for Mick? Hundreds a year, my boy—hundreds.”
“I never knew you so indecent.”
“I never knew you were so inappropriate.”
“I am renewing my youth. Nay, for the first time I am youthful. I never had time for it before. At the age of sixteen I began to teach in a school, and ever since I have pegged away at it, school and private. Now luck has come to me, and I feel five-and-twenty. When I was really five-and-twenty, I felt forty.”
“I am reclaiming my youth. No, for the first time I actually feel young. I never had time for it before. When I was sixteen, I started teaching at a school, and since then I’ve been working hard at it, both in school and tutoring on the side. Now fortune has smiled upon me, and I feel like I’m twenty-five. When I was actually twenty-five, I felt like I was forty.”
“Well, what has that to do with money-making?”
“Well, what does that have to do with making money?”
“After Mick’s Algebra would follow naturally Mick’s Arithmetic, Mick’s Euclid, Mick’s Trigonometry. Twenty years hence I should have an income of thousands—thousands! I would then cease to teach (resign my professorship—that is to say, for of course I should be professor), and devote myself to a great work on Probability. Many a man has begun the best of his life at sixty—the most enjoyable part of it, I mean.”
“After Mick’s Algebra would naturally come Mick’s Arithmetic, Mick’s Euclid, Mick’s Trigonometry. In twenty years, I would have an income in the thousands—thousands! At that point, I would stop teaching (resign my professorship—that is, I would definitely be a professor), and focus on a major work about Probability. Many people have started the best part of their lives at sixty—the most enjoyable part, I mean.”
Barfoot was perplexed. He knew his friend’s turn for humorous exaggeration, but had never once heard him scheme for material advancement, and evidently this present talk meant something more than a jest.
Barfoot was confused. He understood his friend's knack for humorous exaggeration, but he had never heard him plot for personal gain, and it was clear that this conversation was more than just a joke.
“Am I right or not? You are going to get married?”
“Am I right or not? You're getting married?”
Micklethwaite glanced at the door, then said in a tone of caution,—
Micklethwaite looked at the door and then spoke carefully,—
“I don’t care to talk about it here. Let us go somewhere and eat together. I invite you to have dinner with me—or lunch, as I suppose you would call it, in your aristocratic language.”
“I don’t want to discuss it here. Let’s go somewhere and have a meal together. I invite you to have dinner with me—or lunch, as you would probably call it in your fancy language.”
“No, you had better have lunch with me. Come to my club.”
“No, you should definitely have lunch with me. Come to my club.”
“Confound your impudence! Am I not your father in mathematics?”
“Damn your arrogance! Am I not your father in math?”
“Be so good as to put on a decent pair of trousers, and brush your hair. Ah, here is your Trilinear production. I’ll look over it whilst you make yourself presentable.”
“Please put on a nice pair of pants and fix your hair. Ah, here is your Trilinear production. I’ll review it while you get ready.”
“There’s a bad misprint in the Preface. Let me show you—”
“There’s a significant error in the Preface. Let me show you—”
“It’s all the same to me, my dear fellow.”
“It’s all the same to me, my friend.”
But Micklethwaite was not content until he had indicated the error, and had talked for five minutes about the absurdities that it involved.
But Micklethwaite wasn't satisfied until he pointed out the mistake and spent five minutes discussing the ridiculousness it caused.
“How do you suppose I got the thing published?” he then asked. “Old Bennet, the Sheffield headmaster, is security for loss if the book doesn’t pay for itself in two years’ time. Kind of him, wasn’t it? He pressed the offer upon me, and I think he’s prouder of the book than I am myself. But it’s quite remarkable how kind people are when one is fortunate. I fancy a great deal of nonsense is talked about the world’s enviousness. Now as soon as it got known that I was coming to this post in London, people behaved to me with surprising good nature all round. Old Bennet talked in quite an affectionate strain. “Of course,” he said, “I have long known that you ought to be in a better place than this; your payment is altogether inadequate; if it had depended upon me, I should long ago have increased it. I truly rejoice that you have found a more fitting sphere for your remarkable abilities.” No; I maintain that the world is always ready to congratulate you with sincerity, if you will only give it a chance.”
“How do you think I got it published?” he asked. “Old Bennet, the headmaster from Sheffield, is backing me in case the book doesn’t earn enough in two years. Nice of him, right? He insisted on making the offer, and I believe he’s even prouder of the book than I am. It’s quite amazing how kind people can be when you’re lucky. I think a lot of nonsense is said about how envious the world is. As soon as it became known that I was taking this position in London, everyone treated me with unexpected warmth. Old Bennet spoke quite fondly. “Of course,” he said, “I’ve known for a long time that you deserve to be in a better position than this; your pay is totally inadequate; if it had been up to me, I would have raised it long ago. I’m truly glad you’ve found a more suitable place for your incredible talents.” No; I stand by the belief that the world is always ready to genuinely congratulate you if you just give it the chance.”
“Very gracious of you to give it the chance. But, by-the-bye, how did it come about?”
“Very kind of you to give it a shot. But, by the way, how did it happen?”
“Yes, I ought to tell you that. Why, about a year ago, I wrote an answer to a communication signed by a Big Gun in one of the scientific papers. It was a question in Probability—you wouldn’t understand it. My answer was printed, and the Big Gun wrote privately to me—a very flattering letter. That correspondence led to my appointment; the Big Gun exerted himself on my behalf. The fact is, the world is bursting with good nature.”
“Yes, I should tell you that. About a year ago, I wrote a response to a letter signed by a big name in one of the scientific journals. It was a question about probability—you probably wouldn’t get it. My response was published, and the big name wrote me a private letter—a really flattering one. That correspondence got me my appointment; the big name pushed for me. The truth is, the world is filled with kindness.”
“Obviously. And how long did it take you to write this little book?”
“Obviously. So, how long did it take you to write this little book?”
“Oh, only about seven years—the actual composition. I never had much time to myself, you must remember.”
“Oh, just about seven years for the actual writing. I never had much time to myself, you know.”
“You’re a good soul, Thomas. Go and equip yourself for civilized society.”
“You're a good person, Thomas. Go and prepare yourself for the modern world.”
To the club they repaired on foot. Micklethwaite would talk of anything but that which his companion most desired to hear.
To the club, they walked on foot. Micklethwaite would talk about anything except what his companion really wanted to hear.
“There are solemnities in life,” he answered to an impatient question, “things that can’t be spoken of in the highway. When we have eaten, let us go to your flat, and there I will tell you everything.”
“There are serious matters in life,” he replied to an impatient question, “things that can’t be discussed out in the open. Once we’ve eaten, let’s go to your place, and there I’ll tell you everything.”
They lunched joyously. The mathematician drank a bottle of excellent hock, and did corresponding justice to the dishes. His eyes gleamed with happiness; again he enlarged upon the benevolence of mankind, and the admirable ordering of the world. From the club they drove to Bayswater, and made themselves comfortable in Barfoot’s flat, which was very plainly, but sufficiently, furnished. Micklethwaite, cigar in mouth, threw his legs over the side of the easy-chair in which he was sitting.
They had a great lunch. The mathematician enjoyed a bottle of excellent hock and really appreciated the food. His eyes sparkled with happiness as he talked about the goodness of humanity and the wonderful design of the world. After lunch, they drove to Bayswater and settled into Barfoot’s flat, which was simply but adequately furnished. Micklethwaite, with a cigar in his mouth, threw his legs over the side of the comfy chair he was sitting in.
“Now,” he began gravely, “I don’t mind telling you that your conjecture was right. I am going to be married.”
“Now,” he started seriously, “I don’t mind telling you that your guess was correct. I am going to get married.”
“Well,” said the other, “you have reached the age of discretion. I must suppose that you know what you are about.”
"Well," said the other, "you're at the age where you can make your own choices. I have to assume you know what you're doing."
“Yes, I think I do. The story is unexciting. I am not a romantic person, nor is my future wife. Now, you must know that when I was about twenty-three years old I fell in love. You never suspected me of that, I dare say?”
“Yes, I think I do. The story isn’t exciting. I’m not a romantic person, and neither is my future wife. Now, you should know that when I was around twenty-three, I fell in love. You probably never expected that from me, did you?”
“Why not?”
"Why not?"
“Well, I did fall in love. The lady was a clergyman’s daughter at Hereford, where I had a place in a school; she taught the infants in an elementary school connected with ours; her age was exactly the same as my own. Now, the remarkable thing was that she took a liking for me, and when I was scoundrel enough to tell her of my feeling, she didn’t reject me.”
“Well, I did fall in love. The lady was the daughter of a clergyman in Hereford, where I worked at a school; she taught the little kids in an elementary school linked to ours; she was exactly my age. Now, the surprising thing was that she liked me, and when I was enough of a scoundrel to confess my feelings, she didn’t turn me down.”
“Scoundrel enough? Why scoundrel?”
“Bad enough? Why bad?”
“Why? But I hadn’t a penny in the world. I lived at the school, and received a salary of thirty pounds, half of which had to go towards the support of my mother. What could possibly have been more villainous? What earthly prospect was there of my being able to marry?”
“Why? But I didn’t have a dime to my name. I lived at the school and earned a salary of thirty pounds, half of which had to go to support my mother. What could be more terrible? What chance did I have of ever being able to marry?”
“Well, grant the monstrosity of it.”
“Well, acknowledge how monstrous it is.”
“This lady—a very little lower than the angels—declared that she was content to wait an indefinite time. She believed in me, and hoped for my future. Her father—the mother was dead—sanctioned our engagement. She had three sisters, one of them a governess, another keeping house, and the third a blind girl. Excellent people, all of them. I was at their house as often as possible, and they made much of me. It was a pity, you know, for in those few leisure hours I ought to have been working like a nigger.”
“This lady—a little less than angelic—said she was fine with waiting for an unknown amount of time. She believed in me and had hopes for my future. Her father—since her mother had passed away—approved of our engagement. She had three sisters: one was a governess, another managed the household, and the third was blind. They were all wonderful people. I visited their home as often as I could, and they treated me very well. It was a shame, you know, because during those few free hours, I should have been working really hard.”
“Plainly you ought.”
"You should."
“Fortunately, I left Hereford, and went to a school at Gloucester, where I had thirty-five pounds. How we gloried over that extra five pounds! But it’s no use going on with the story in this way; it would take me till to-morrow morning. Seven years went by; we were thirty years old, and no prospect whatever of our engagement coming to anything. I had worked pretty hard; I had taken my London degree; but not a penny had I saved, and all I could spare was still needful to my mother. It struck me all at once that I had no right to continue the engagement. On my thirtieth birthday I wrote a letter to Fanny—that is her name—and begged her to be free. Now, would you have done the same, or not?”
“Luckily, I left Hereford and went to a school in Gloucester, where I had thirty-five pounds. We were so excited about that extra five pounds! But it’s pointless to go on telling the story like this; it would take me until tomorrow morning. Seven years passed; we were thirty years old with no chance of our engagement going anywhere. I had worked really hard; I had earned my degree in London, but I hadn’t saved a single penny, and everything I could spare was still needed by my mom. It suddenly hit me that I had no right to keep the engagement going. On my thirtieth birthday, I wrote a letter to Fanny—that's her name—and asked her to be free. Now, would you have done the same or not?”
“Really, I am not imaginative enough to put myself in such a position. It would need a stupendous effort, at all events.”
“Honestly, I'm not creative enough to put myself in that situation. It would take an incredible effort, no matter what.”
“But was there anything gross in the proceeding?”
“But was there anything inappropriate in the process?”
“The lady took it ill?”
“Did the lady take it badly?”
“Not in the sense of being offended. But she said it had caused her much suffering. She begged me to consider myself free. She would remain faithful, and if, in time to come, I cared to write to her again—After all these years, I can’t speak of it without huskiness. It seemed to me that I had behaved more like a scoundrel than ever. I thought I had better kill myself, and even planned ways of doing it—I did indeed. But after all we decided that our engagement should continue.”
“Not in the sense of being offended. But she said it had caused her a lot of pain. She asked me to think of myself as free. She would stay loyal, and if, in the future, I wanted to reach out to her again—After all these years, I can’t talk about it without getting choked up. It felt to me like I had acted more like a jerk than ever. I thought it would be better to end my life, and even thought about ways to do it—I really did. But in the end, we decided that our engagement should carry on.”
“Of course.”
"Definitely."
“You think it natural? Well, the engagement has continued till this day. A month ago I was forty, so that we have waited for seventeen years.”
“You think it’s normal? Well, the engagement has lasted until now. A month ago, I turned forty, so we’ve been waiting for seventeen years.”
Micklethwaite paused on a note of awe.
Micklethwaite paused in wonder.
“Two of Fanny’s sisters are dead; they never married. The blind one Fanny has long supported, and she will come to live with us. Long, long ago we had both of us given up thought of marriage. I have never spoken to any one of the engagement; it was something too absurd, and also too sacred.”
“Two of Fanny’s sisters have passed away; they never got married. Fanny has been taking care of the blind one for a long time, and she will be coming to live with us. A long time ago, we both gave up on the idea of marriage. I’ve never mentioned the engagement to anyone; it felt too ridiculous and also too sacred.”
The smile died from Everard’s face, and he sat in thought.
The smile faded from Everard’s face, and he sat lost in thought.
“Now, when are you going to marry?” cried Micklethwaite, with a revival of his cheerfulness.
“Now, when are you going to get married?” shouted Micklethwaite, his cheerfulness returning.
“Probably never.”
"Probably not."
“Then I think you will neglect a grave duty. Yes. It is the duty of every man, who has sufficient means, to maintain a wife. The life of unmarried women is a wretched one; every man who is able ought to save one of them from that fate.”
“Then I think you will ignore a serious responsibility. Yes. It is the responsibility of every man who has enough means to support a wife. The life of unmarried women is a miserable one; every man who can should rescue one of them from that fate.”
“I should like my cousin Mary and her female friends to hear you talk in that way. They would overwhelm you with scorn.”
“I’d like my cousin Mary and her female friends to hear you speak like that. They would totally mock you.”
“Not sincere scorn, is my belief. Of course I have heard of that kind of woman. Tell me something about them.”
“It's not genuine disdain, that's what I believe. I've definitely heard of that type of woman. Fill me in on them.”
Barfoot was led on to a broad expression of his views.
Barfoot was encouraged to share his views openly.
“I admire your old-fashioned sentiment, Micklethwaite. It sits well on you, and you’re a fine fellow. But I have much more sympathy with the new idea that women should think of marriage only as men do—I mean, not to grow up in the thought that they must marry or be blighted creatures. My own views are rather extreme, perhaps; strictly, I don’t believe in marriage at all. And I haven’t anything like the respect for women, as women, that you have. You belong to the Ruskin school; and I—well, perhaps my experience has been unusual, though I don’t think so. You know, by-the-bye, that my relatives consider me a blackguard?”
“I appreciate your old-fashioned views, Micklethwaite. They suit you, and you’re a great guy. But I really connect more with the new idea that women should approach marriage like men do—I mean, not growing up feeling they have to marry or they'll be seen as failures. My thoughts might be a bit extreme; honestly, I don’t believe in marriage at all. I also don’t have the same level of respect for women, as women, that you do. You’re part of the Ruskin school; and I—well, maybe my experiences have been different, but I don't think so. By the way, my family considers me a scoundrel, you know?”
“That affair you told me about some years ago?”
“That situation you mentioned to me a few years back?”
“Chiefly that. I have a good mind to tell you the true story; I didn’t care to at the time. I accepted the charge of black-guardism; it didn’t matter much. My cousin will never forgive me, though she has an air of friendliness once more. And I suspect she had told her friend Miss Nunn all about me. Perhaps to put Miss Nunn on her guard—Heaven knows!”
“Mainly that. I really want to tell you the true story; I didn’t want to at the time. I accepted the blame for being a jerk; it didn’t really matter. My cousin will never forgive me, even though she seems friendly again. And I think she might have told her friend Miss Nunn all about me. Maybe to warn Miss Nunn—God knows!”
He laughed merrily.
He laughed joyfully.
“Miss Nunn, I dare say, needs no protection against you.”
“Miss Nunn, I must say, doesn’t need any protection from you.”
“I had an odd thought whilst I was there.” Everard leaned his head back, and half closed his eyes. “Miss Nunn, I warrant, considers herself proof against any kind of wooing. She is one of the grandly severe women; a terror, I imagine, to any young girl at their place who betrays weak thoughts of matrimony. Now, it’s rather a temptation to a man of my kind. There would be something piquant in making vigorous love to Miss Nunn, just to prove her sincerity.”
“I had a weird thought while I was there.” Everard leaned his head back and partially closed his eyes. “Miss Nunn, I bet, thinks she’s immune to any kind of flirting. She’s one of those extremely serious women; probably a nightmare for any young woman in her house who shows any signs of wanting to get married. Now, that’s quite tempting for a guy like me. There would be something intriguing about passionately pursuing Miss Nunn, just to test her sincerity.”
Micklethwaite shook his head.
Micklethwaite shook his head.
“Unworthy of you, Barfoot. Of course you couldn’t really do such a thing.”
“Not worth your time, Barfoot. Obviously, you wouldn’t actually do that.”
“But such women really challenge one. If she were rich, I think I could do it without scruple.”
“But women like that really push you to think. If she were wealthy, I think I could do it without any guilt.”
“You seem to be taking it for granted,” said the mathematician, smiling, “that this lady would—would respond to your love-making.”
“You seem to be assuming,” said the mathematician, smiling, “that this lady would—would respond to your flirting.”
“I confess to you that women have spoilt me. And I am rather resentful when any one cries out against me for lack of respect to womanhood. I have been the victim of this groundless veneration for females. Now you shall hear the story; and bear in mind that you are the only person to whom I have ever told it. I never tried to defend myself when I was vilified on all hands. Probably the attempt would have been useless; and then it would certainly have increased the odium in which I stood. I think I’ll tell cousin Mary the truth some day; it would be good for her.”
“I have to admit that women have spoiled me. It annoys me when anyone accuses me of not respecting womanhood. I've been a victim of this unfounded reverence for women. Now you’re going to hear the story, and keep in mind that you’re the only person I’ve ever told this to. I never tried to defend myself when I was criticized from all sides. That effort would probably have been pointless; plus, it would definitely have made the situation worse. I think I’ll tell cousin Mary the truth someday; it would be good for her.”
The listener looked uneasy, but curious.
The listener seemed uncomfortable, yet intrigued.
“Well now, I was staying in the summer with some friends of ours at a little place called Upchurch, on a branch line from Oxford. The people were well-to-do—Goodall their name—and went in for philanthropy. Mrs. Goodall always had a lot of Upchurch girls about her, educated and not; her idea was to civilize one class by means of the other, and to give a new spirit to both. My cousin Mary was staying at the house whilst I was there. She had more reasonable views than Mrs. Goodall, but took a great interest in what was going on.
“Well, I was spending the summer with some friends of ours at a little place called Upchurch, off a branch line from Oxford. The people were well-off—Goodall was their name—and they were into philanthropy. Mrs. Goodall always had a bunch of girls from Upchurch around her, both educated and not; her idea was to civilize one group through the other and to bring a fresh spirit to both. My cousin Mary was staying at the house while I was there. She had more practical views than Mrs. Goodall, but she was very interested in what was happening.”
“Now one of the girls in process of spiritualization was called Amy Drake. In the ordinary course of things I shouldn’t have met her, but she served in a shop where I went two or three times to get a newspaper; we talked a little—with absolute propriety on my part, I assure you—and she knew that I was a friend of the Goodalls. The girl had no parents, and she was on the point of going to London to live with a married sister.
“Now one of the girls undergoing spiritual growth was named Amy Drake. Normally, I wouldn’t have crossed paths with her, but she worked at a shop where I stopped by a couple of times to pick up a newspaper; we chatted a bit—with complete decorum on my part, I assure you—and she knew I was a friend of the Goodalls. The girl had no parents, and she was about to move to London to live with her married sister.”
“It happened that by the very train which took me back to London, when my visit was over, this girl also travelled, and alone. I saw her at Upchurch Station, but we didn’t speak, and I got into a smoking carriage. We had to change at Oxford, and there, as I walked about the platform, Amy put herself in my way, so that I was obliged to begin talking with her. This behaviour rather surprised me. I wondered what Mrs. Goodall would think of it. But perhaps it was a sign of innocent freedom in the intercourse of men and women. At all events, Amy managed to get me into the same carriage with herself, and on the way to London we were alone. You foresee the end of it. At Paddington Station the girl and I went off together, and she didn’t get to her sister’s till the evening.
“It just so happened that the train that took me back to London after my visit was the same one this girl was on, and she was traveling alone. I spotted her at Upchurch Station, but we didn't talk, and I got into a smoking carriage. We had to switch trains at Oxford, and while I was walking around the platform, Amy stepped into my path, so I had no choice but to start a conversation with her. This behavior surprised me a bit. I wondered what Mrs. Goodall would think about it. But maybe it was just a sign of innocent freedom in how men and women interact. In any case, Amy managed to get me into the same carriage as her, and on the way to London, we were by ourselves. You can guess how it turned out. At Paddington Station, the girl and I left together, and she didn't reach her sister's place until the evening."
“Of course I take it for granted that you believe my account of the matter. Miss Drake was by no means the spiritual young person that Mrs. Goodall thought her, or hoped to make her; plainly, she was a reprobate of experience. This, you will say, doesn’t alter the fact that I also behaved like a reprobate. No; from the moralist’s point of view I was to blame. But I had no moral pretentions, and it was too much to expect that I should rebuke the young woman and preach her a sermon. You admit that, I dare say?”
“Of course, I assume you believe my version of events. Miss Drake was definitely not the innocent young woman that Mrs. Goodall thought she was or wanted her to be; clearly, she was a woman with experience in questionable matters. You might say that doesn’t change the fact that I also acted in a questionable way. No; from a moral standpoint, I was at fault. But I had no moral claims, and it was too much to expect me to lecture the young woman or preach to her. You agree with that, I imagine?”
The mathematician, frowning uncomfortably, gave a nod of assent.
The mathematician, frowning uneasily, nodded in agreement.
“Amy was not only a reprobate, but a rascal. She betrayed me to the people at Upchurch, and, I am quite sure, meant from the first to do so. Imagine the outcry. I had committed a monstrous crime—had led astray an innocent maiden, had outraged hospitality—and so on. In Amy’s case there were awkward results. Of course I must marry the girl forthwith. But of course I was determined to do no such thing. For the reasons I have explained, I let the storm break upon me. I had been a fool, to be sure, and couldn’t help myself. No one would have believed my plea—no one would have allowed that the truth was an excuse. I was abused on all hands. And when, shortly after, my father made his will and died, doubtless he cut me off with my small annuity on this very account. My cousin Mary got a good deal of the money that would otherwise have been mine. The old man had been on rather better terms with me just before that; in a will that he destroyed I believe he had treated me handsomely.”
“Amy was not just a troublemaker, but a real piece of work. She sold me out to the folks at Upchurch, and I’m pretty sure she planned to do it all along. Can you imagine the uproar? I had committed a terrible crime—led an innocent girl astray, violated hospitality, and so on. In Amy's case, there were some messy consequences. Naturally, I had to marry her immediately. But of course, I had no intention of doing that. For the reasons I’ve already mentioned, I let the backlash hit me. I had been a fool, that’s for sure, and I couldn’t do anything about it. No one would have believed my side of the story—no one would have accepted that the truth was a valid excuse. I was criticized from all directions. And soon after that, when my father made his will and passed away, I’m sure he cut me off with my small allowance because of it. My cousin Mary ended up with a lot of the money that should have been mine. The old man and I had been on somewhat better terms just before; in a will he destroyed, I think he had left me a decent amount.”
“Well, well,” said Micklethwaite, “every one knows there are detestable women to be found. But you oughtn’t to let this affect your view of women in general. What became of the girl?”
“Well, well,” said Micklethwaite, “everyone knows there are terrible women out there. But you shouldn't let this change your perspective on women as a whole. What happened to the girl?”
“I made her a small allowance for a year and a half. Then her child died, and the allowance ceased. I know nothing more of her. Probably she has inveigled some one into marriage.”
“I gave her a small allowance for a year and a half. Then her child died, and the allowance stopped. I don't know anything more about her. She’s probably tricked someone into marrying her.”
“Well, Barfoot,” said the other, rolling about in his chair, “my opinion remains the same. You are in debt to some worthy woman to the extent of half your income. Be quick and find her. It will be better for you.”
“Well, Barfoot,” said the other, shifting in his chair, “I still stand by my opinion. You owe some deserving woman half your income. Hurry up and find her. It’ll be better for you.”
“And do you suppose,” asked Everard, with a smile of indulgence, “that I could marry on four hundred and fifty a year?”
“And do you think,” asked Everard, smiling gently, “that I could get married on four hundred and fifty a year?”
“Heavens! Why not?”
"Wow! Why not?"
“Quite impossible. A wife might be acceptable to me; but marriage with poverty—I know myself and the world too well for that.”
“Totally impossible. A wife could be acceptable to me; but marriage with poverty—I know myself and the world way too well for that.”
“Poverty!” screamed the mathematician. “Four hundred and fifty pounds!”
“Poverty!” yelled the mathematician. “Four hundred and fifty pounds!”
“Grinding poverty—for married people.”
"Grinding poverty for married couples."
Micklethwaite burst into indignant eloquence, and Everard sat listening with the restrained smile on his lips.
Micklethwaite passionately expressed his anger, while Everard sat there with a controlled smile on his lips.
CHAPTER X
FIRST PRINCIPLES
Having allowed exactly a week to go by, Everard Barfoot made use of his cousin’s permission, and called upon her at nine in the evening. Miss Barfoot’s dinner-hour was seven o’clock; she and Rhoda, when alone, rarely sat for more than half an hour at table, and in this summer season they often went out together at sunset to enjoy a walk along the river. This evening they had returned only a few minutes before Everard’s ring sounded at the door. Miss Barfoot (they were just entering the library) looked at her friend and smiled.
Having let a week pass, Everard Barfoot took his cousin's permission and visited her at nine in the evening. Miss Barfoot usually had dinner at seven o'clock; when she and Rhoda were alone, they rarely spent more than half an hour at the table, and during this summer season, they often went out together at sunset for a walk along the river. That evening, they had only returned a few minutes before Everard's ring echoed at the door. Miss Barfoot (they were just entering the library) glanced at her friend and smiled.
“I shouldn’t wonder if that is the young man. Very flattering if he has come again so soon.”
“I wouldn't be surprised if that's the young man. It's quite flattering if he's come back so soon.”
The visitor was in mirthful humour, and met with a reception of corresponding tone. He remarked at once that Miss Nunn had a much pleasanter aspect than a week ago; her smile was ready and agreeable; she sat in a sociable attitude and answered a jesting triviality with indulgence.
The visitor was in a cheerful mood and was welcomed with a matching vibe. He immediately noted that Miss Nunn looked a lot happier than she did a week ago; her smile was friendly and warm; she sat in a relaxed manner and responded to a light joke with good humor.
“One of my reasons for coming to-day,” said Everard, “was to tell you a remarkable story. It connects”—he addressed his cousin—“with our talk about the matrimonial disasters of those two friends of mine. Do you remember the name of Micklethwaite—a man who used to cram me with mathematics? I thought you would. He is on the point of marrying, and his engagement has lasted just seventeen years.”
“One of the reasons I came today,” said Everard, “is to tell you an incredible story. It relates”—he turned to his cousin—“to our conversation about the marriage troubles of those two friends of mine. Do you remember Micklethwaite—the guy who used to drill me in math? I figured you would. He’s about to get married, and his engagement has lasted a whole seventeen years.”
“The wisest of your friends, I should say.”
“The smartest of your friends, I should say.”
“An excellent fellow. He is forty, and the lady the same. An astonishing case of constancy.”
“An amazing guy. He’s forty, and the woman is the same age. A remarkable example of loyalty.”
“And how is it likely to turn out?”
“And how is it likely to end up?”
“I can’t predict, as the lady is unknown to me. But,” he added with facetious gravity, “I think it likely that they are tolerably well acquainted with each other. Nothing but sheer poverty has kept them apart. Pathetic, don’t you think? I have a theory that when an engagement has lasted ten years, with constancy on both sides, and poverty still prevents marriage, the State ought to make provision for a man in some way, according to his social standing. When one thinks of it, a whole socialistic system lies in that suggestion.”
“I can’t say for sure since I don’t know the lady. But,” he added with a joking seriousness, “I think it’s pretty likely they know each other well enough. Only sheer poverty has kept them apart. Sad, don’t you think? I have a theory that when an engagement lasts ten years, with both sides being loyal, and poverty still stops them from getting married, the government should step in and help the guy out in some way, based on his social status. When you think about it, there’s a whole social system built into that idea.”
“If,” remarked Rhoda, “it were first provided that no marriage should take place until after a ten years’ engagement.”
“If,” Rhoda said, “it were first established that no marriage should happen until after a ten-year engagement.”
“Yes,” Barfoot assented, in his smoothest and most graceful tone. “That completes the system. Unless you like to add that no engagement is permitted except between people who have passed a certain examination; equivalent, let us say, to that which confers a university degree.”
“Yes,” Barfoot agreed, in his smoothest and most graceful tone. “That wraps up the system. Unless you want to add that no engagements are allowed except between people who have passed a certain examination; equivalent, let’s say, to what’s required for a university degree.”
“Admirable. And no marriage, except where both, for the whole decennium, have earned their living by work that the State recognizes.”
“Impressive. And no marriage, except where both partners have earned their living through work recognized by the State for the entire decade.”
“How would that affect Mr. Micklethwaite’s betrothed?” asked Miss Barfoot.
“How would that affect Mr. Micklethwaite’s fiancé?” asked Miss Barfoot.
“I believe she has supported herself all along by teaching.”
“I think she has always supported herself by teaching.”
“Of course!” exclaimed the other impatiently. “And more likely than not, with loathing of her occupation. The usual kind of drudgery, was it?”
“Of course!” the other replied impatiently. “And probably with a dislike for her job. Just the usual kind of boring work, right?”
“After all, there must be some one to teach children to read and write.”
"After all, someone has to teach kids to read and write."
“Yes; but people who are thoroughly well trained for the task, and who take a pleasure in it. This lady may be an exception; but I picture her as having spent a lifetime of uncongenial toil, longing miserably for the day when poor Mr. Micklethwaite was able to offer her a home. That’s the ordinary teacher-woman, and we must abolish her altogether.”
“Yes; but people who are really well trained for the job and actually enjoy it. This lady might be different; but I imagine she's spent a lifetime of unfulfilling work, desperately waiting for the day when poor Mr. Micklethwaite could give her a home. That's the typical teacher woman, and we need to get rid of her completely.”
“How are you to do that?” inquired Everard suavely. “The average man labours that he may be able to marry, and the average woman certainly has the same end in view. Are female teachers to be vowed to celibacy?”
“How are you planning to do that?” Everard asked smoothly. “The typical man works so he can get married, and the typical woman definitely has the same goal. Are female teachers supposed to be sworn to stay single?”
“Nothing of the kind. But girls are to be brought up to a calling in life, just as men are. It’s because they have no calling that, when need comes, they all offer themselves as teachers. They undertake one of the most difficult and arduous pursuits as if it were as simple as washing up dishes. We can’t earn money in any other way, but we can teach children! A man only becomes a schoolmaster or tutor when he has gone through laborious preparation—anything but wise or adequate, of course, but still conscious preparation; and only a very few men, comparatively, choose that line of work. Women must have just as wide a choice.”
“Not at all. But girls should be raised to have a career in life, just like boys. It’s because they don’t have a specific career that, when the time comes, they all step up to be teachers. They take on one of the most challenging and demanding jobs as if it were as easy as doing the dishes. We can’t make money any other way, but we can teach kids! A man only becomes a schoolmaster or tutor after going through a lot of preparation—anything but wise or sufficient, of course, but still intentional preparation; and only a small number of men, relatively speaking, choose that path. Women should have just as many options.”
“That’s plausible, cousin Mary. But remember that when a man chooses his calling he chooses it for life. A girl cannot but remember that if she marries her calling at once changes. The old business is thrown aside—henceforth profitless.”
"That makes sense, cousin Mary. But keep in mind that when a man picks his career, he commits to it for life. A girl can’t help but see that when she gets married, her career immediately changes. The previous path is set aside—going forward, it’s no longer worthwhile."
“No. Not henceforth profitless! There’s the very point I insist upon. So far is it from profitless, that it has made her a wholly different woman from what she would otherwise have been. Instead of a moping, mawkish creature, with—in most instances—a very unhealthy mind, she is a complete human being. She stands on an equality with the man. He can’t despise her as he now does.”
“No. Not from now on without purpose! That’s exactly my point. Far from being pointless, it has transformed her into a completely different woman than she would have been otherwise. Instead of being a gloomy, overly sentimental person with, in most cases, a very unhealthy mindset, she is a fully realized human being. She stands on equal footing with the man. He can’t look down on her the way he does now.”
“Very good,” assented Everard, observing Miss Nunn’s satisfied smile. “I like that view very much. But what about the great number of girls who are claimed by domestic duties? Do you abandon them, with a helpless sigh, to be moping and mawkish and unhealthy?”
“Very good,” agreed Everard, noticing Miss Nunn’s pleased smile. “I really like that view. But what about all the girls who are tied down by household responsibilities? Do you just leave them behind, sighing helplessly, to be miserable and overly emotional and unhealthy?”
“In the first place, there needn’t be a great number of unmarried women claimed by such duties. Most of those you are thinking of are not fulfilling a duty at all; they are only pottering about the house, because they have nothing better to do. And when the whole course of female education is altered; when girls are trained as a matter of course to some definite pursuit; then those who really are obliged to remain at home will do their duty there in quite a different spirit. Home work will be their serious business, instead of a disagreeable drudgery, or a way of getting through the time till marriage offers. I would have no girl, however wealthy her parent, grow up without a profession. There should be no such thing as a class of females vulgarized by the necessity of finding daily amusement.”
“In the first place, there doesn’t need to be a lot of unmarried women tied down by such responsibilities. Most of the women you’re thinking about aren’t actually fulfilling a duty; they’re just hanging around the house because they have nothing better to do. And when the entire approach to female education changes; when girls are routinely trained for a specific career; then those who truly need to stay at home will approach their responsibilities in a completely different way. Home duties will become their serious work, instead of just an unpleasant chore or a way to pass the time until they get married. I wouldn’t want any girl, no matter how wealthy her family, to grow up without a profession. There shouldn’t be a group of women belittled by the need to find daily entertainment.”
“Nor of males either, of course,” put in Everard, stroking his beard.
“Nor of guys either, of course,” added Everard, stroking his beard.
“Nor of males either, cousin Everard.”
“Not of males either, cousin Everard.”
“You thoroughly approve all this, Miss Nunn?”
“Are you completely on board with all of this, Miss Nunn?”
“Oh yes. But I go further. I would have girls taught that marriage is a thing to be avoided rather than hoped for. I would teach them that for the majority of women marriage means disgrace.”
“Oh yes. But I go further. I would teach girls that marriage is something to be avoided rather than desired. I would explain that for most women, marriage means shame.”
“Ah! Now do let me understand you. Why does it mean disgrace?”
“Ah! Now please help me understand. Why does it mean shame?”
“Because the majority of men are without sense of honour. To be bound to them in wedlock is shame and misery.”
“Because most men lack a sense of honor. Being tied to them in marriage is a shame and a misery.”
Everard’s eyelids drooped, and he did not speak for a moment.
Everard's eyelids fell, and he was silent for a moment.
“And you seriously think, Miss Nunn, that by persuading as many women as possible to abstain from marriage you will improve the character of men?”
“And you really think, Miss Nunn, that getting as many women as possible to avoid marriage will make men better?”
“I have no hope of sudden results, Mr. Barfoot. I should like to save as many as possible of the women now living from a life of dishonour; but the spirit of our work looks to the future. When all women, high and low alike, are trained to self-respect, then men will regard them in a different light, and marriage may be honourable to both.”
“I don’t expect any quick results, Mr. Barfoot. I want to help as many women as possible avoid a life of dishonor; however, the essence of our work is focused on the future. When all women, regardless of their status, are empowered with self-respect, men will see them differently, and marriage could become honorable for both.”
Again Everard was silent, and seemingly impressed.
Again, Everard was quiet and seemed to be impressed.
“We’ll go on with this discussion another time,” said Miss Barfoot, with cheerful interruption. “Everard, do you know Somerset at all?”
“We’ll continue this conversation another time,” said Miss Barfoot, interrupting cheerfully. “Everard, are you familiar with Somerset at all?”
“Never was in that part of England.”
“Never was in that part of England.”
“Miss Nunn is going to take her holiday at Cheddar and we have been looking over some photographs of that district taken by her brother.”
“Miss Nunn is going to spend her holiday in Cheddar, and we’ve been going through some photos of the area taken by her brother.”
From the table she reached a scrapbook, and Everard turned it over with interest. The views were evidently made by an amateur, but in general had no serious faults. Cheddar cliffs were represented in several aspects.
From the table, she grabbed a scrapbook, and Everard looked through it with interest. The pictures were clearly taken by an amateur, but overall, they had no major flaws. The Cheddar cliffs were shown from several angles.
“I had no idea the scenery was so fine. Cheddar cheese has quite overshadowed the hills in my imagination. This might be a bit of Cumberland, or of the Highlands.”
“I had no idea the scenery was so beautiful. Cheddar cheese has really overshadowed the hills in my mind. This could be part of Cumberland or the Highlands.”
“It was my playground when I was a child,” said Rhoda.
“It was my playground when I was a kid,” said Rhoda.
“You were born at Cheddar?”
"You were born in Cheddar?"
“No; at Axbridge, a little place not far off. But I had an uncle at Cheddar, a farmer, and very often stayed with him. My brother is farming there now.”
“No; it’s in Axbridge, a small place not far away. But I had an uncle in Cheddar who was a farmer, and I often stayed with him. My brother is farming there now.”
“Axbridge? Here is a view of the market-place. What a delightful old town!”
“Axbridge? Here’s a look at the marketplace. What a charming old town!”
“One of the sleepiest spots in England, I should say. The railway goes through it now, but hasn’t made the slightest difference. Nobody pulls down or builds; nobody opens a new shop; nobody thinks of extending his trade. A delicious place!”
“One of the sleepiest places in England, I must say. The railway goes through it now, but it hasn’t made the slightest difference. Nobody tears down or builds; nobody opens a new shop; nobody thinks about expanding their business. What a lovely place!”
“But surely you find no pleasure in that kind of thing, Miss Nunn?”
"But surely you don't enjoy that kind of thing, Miss Nunn?"
“Oh yes—at holiday time. I shall doze there for a fortnight, and forget all about the “so-called nineteenth century.””
“Oh yeah—during the holidays. I’ll nap there for two weeks and forget all about the ‘so-called nineteenth century.’”
“I can hardly believe it. There will be a disgraceful marriage at this beautiful old church, and the sight of it will exasperate you.”
“I can hardly believe it. There’s going to be a shameful wedding at this beautiful old church, and seeing it will really annoy you.”
Rhoda laughed gaily.
Rhoda laughed joyfully.
“Oh, it will be a marriage of the golden age! Perhaps I shall remember the bride when she was a little girl; and I shall give her a kiss, and pat her on the rosy cheek, and wish her joy. And the bridegroom will be such a good-hearted simpleton, unable to pronounce f and s. I don’t mind that sort of marriage a bit!”
“Oh, it will be a marriage from a golden age! Maybe I’ll remember the bride when she was a little girl; I’ll give her a kiss, pat her on the rosy cheek, and wish her happiness. And the groom will be such a sweet-natured fool, unable to pronounce f and s. I don't mind that kind of marriage at all!”
The listeners were both regarding her—Miss Barfoot with an affectionate smile, Everard with a puzzled, searching look, ending in amusement.
The listeners were both looking at her—Miss Barfoot with a warm smile, Everard with a confused, probing gaze that ended in amusement.
“I must run down into that country some day,” said the latter.
“I have to go down to that place someday,” said the latter.
He did not stay much longer, but left only because he feared to burden the ladies with too much of his company.
He didn’t stick around for much longer, but left only because he didn’t want to overwhelm the ladies with too much of his presence.
Again a week passed, and the same evening found Barfoot approaching the house in Queen’s Road. To his great annoyance he learnt that Miss Barfoot was not at home; she had dined, but afterwards had gone out. He did not venture to ask for Miss Nunn, and was moving disappointedly away, when Rhoda herself, returning from a walk, came up to the door. She offered her hand gravely, but with friendliness.
Again a week passed, and the same evening found Barfoot approaching the house on Queen's Road. To his great annoyance, he learned that Miss Barfoot was not home; she had had dinner but had gone out afterward. He didn’t dare to ask for Miss Nunn and was walking away disappointed when Rhoda herself, returning from a walk, came up to the door. She offered her hand seriously, but with warmth.
“Miss Barfoot, I am sorry to say, has gone to visit one of our girls who is ill. But I think she will very soon be back. Will you come in?”
“Miss Barfoot, I’m sorry to say, has gone to visit one of our girls who is sick. But I think she’ll be back very soon. Will you come in?”
“Gladly. I had so counted on an hour’s talk.”
“Sure, I was really hoping for an hour to chat.”
Rhoda led him to the drawing-room, excused herself for a few moments, and came back in her ordinary evening dress. Barfoot noticed that her hair was much more becomingly arranged than when he first saw her; so it had been on the last occasion, but for some reason its appearance attracted his eyes this evening. He scrutinized her, at discreet intervals, from head to foot. To Everard, nothing female was alien; woman, merely as woman, interested him profoundly. And this example of her sex had excited his curiosity in no common degree. His concern with her was purely intellectual; she had no sensual attraction for him, but he longed to see further into her mind, to probe the sincerity of the motives she professed, to understand her mechanism, her process of growth. Hitherto he had enjoyed no opportunity of studying this type. For his cousin was a very different person; by habit he regarded her as old, whereas Miss Nunn, in spite of her thirty years, could not possibly be considered past youth.
Rhoda led him to the living room, excused herself for a few minutes, and came back in her usual evening dress. Barfoot noticed that her hair was styled much more attractively than when he first met her; it had been the same the last time, but for some reason, it caught his eye this evening. He examined her, at discreet moments, from head to toe. To Everard, nothing about women was unfamiliar; he was deeply interested in womanhood itself. And this example of her gender piqued his curiosity like never before. His interest in her was purely intellectual; she held no physical allure for him, but he wanted to dive deeper into her mind, to test the sincerity of the motives she claimed, to understand her inner workings and growth process. Until now, he hadn’t had a chance to study this type. His cousin was a very different person; by nature, he thought of her as old, whereas Miss Nunn, despite being thirty, couldn’t possibly be seen as past her youth.
He enjoyed her air of equality; she sat down with him as a male acquaintance might have done, and he felt sure that her behaviour would be the same under any circumstances. He delighted in the frankness of her speech; it was doubtful whether she regarded any subject as improper for discussion between mature and serious people. Part cause of this, perhaps, was her calm consciousness that she had not a beautiful face. No, it was not beautiful; yet even at the first meeting it did not repel him. Studying her features, he saw how fine was their expression. The prominent forehead, with its little unevenness that meant brains; the straight eyebrows, strongly marked, with deep vertical furrows generally drawn between them; the chestnut-brown eyes, with long lashes; the high-bridged nose, thin and delicate; the intellectual lips, a protrusion of the lower one, though very slight, marking itself when he caught her profile; the big, strong chin; the shapely neck—why, after all, it was a kind of beauty. The head might have been sculptured with fine effect. And she had a well-built frame. He observed her strong wrists, with exquisite vein-tracings on the pure white. Probably her constitution was very sound; she had good teeth, and a healthy brownish complexion.
He liked her sense of equality; she sat down with him like any male friend might have, and he was confident that her behavior would remain the same no matter the situation. He appreciated her straightforwardness; it was unclear if she thought any topic was off-limits for discussion among grown and serious people. Part of this might stem from her calm awareness that she didn’t have a beautiful face. No, it wasn’t beautiful; yet even at their first meeting, it didn’t put him off. As he studied her features, he noticed how expressive they were. The prominent forehead, with its slight unevenness that indicated intelligence; the straight, well-defined eyebrows with deep vertical lines usually etched between them; the chestnut-brown eyes, framed by long lashes; the high-bridged, thin and delicate nose; the thoughtful lips, with a slight protrusion of the lower one, visible when he noted her profile; the strong chin; the shapely neck—after all, it had its own kind of beauty. Her head could have easily been sculpted to great effect. Plus, she had a strong physique. He noticed her robust wrists, with beautiful vein patterns on her pure white skin. She likely had a very healthy constitution; she had good teeth and a vibrant, light-brown complexion.
With reference to the sick girl whom Miss Barfoot was visiting, Everard began what was practically a resumption of their last talk.
With regard to the sick girl Miss Barfoot was visiting, Everard started what was basically a continuation of their last conversation.
“Have you a formal society, with rules and so on?”
“Do you have a formal society with rules and everything?”
“Oh no; nothing of the kind.”
“Oh no, nothing like that.”
“But you of course select the girls whom you instruct or employ?”
"But you, of course, choose the girls you teach or hire?"
“Very carefully.”
"Super carefully."
“How I should like to see them all!—I mean,” he added, with a laugh, “it would be so very interesting. The truth is, my sympathies are strongly with you in much of what you said the other day about women and marriage. We regard the matter from different points of view, but our ends are the same.”
“How I would love to see them all!—I mean,” he added with a laugh, “it would be so interesting. The truth is, I really empathize with you on a lot of what you said the other day about women and marriage. We look at it from different perspectives, but we want the same thing.”
Rhoda moved her eyebrows, and asked calmly,—
Rhoda raised her eyebrows and asked calmly, —
“Are you serious?”
"Are you for real?"
“Perfectly. You are absorbed in your present work, that of strengthening women’s minds and character; for the final issue of this you can’t care much. But to me that is the practical interest. In my mind, you are working for the happiness of men.”
“Exactly. You’re focused on your current task, which is empowering women’s minds and character; the outcome of this doesn’t seem to concern you much. But to me, that’s the real concern. To me, you’re working for the happiness of men.”
“Indeed?” escaped Rhoda’s lips, which had curled in irony.
“Really?” slipped from Rhoda’s lips, which had curled in irony.
“Don’t misunderstand me. I am not speaking cynically or trivially. The gain of women is also the gain of men. You are bitter against the average man for his low morality; but that fault, on the whole, is directly traceable to the ignobleness of women. Think, and you will grant me this.”
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m not being cynical or superficial. The progress of women is also a benefit for men. You may feel resentful towards the average man for his lack of morals; however, that issue is largely a reflection of the shortcomings of women. Think about it, and you’ll see I’m right.”
“I see what you mean. Men have themselves to thank for it.”
“I get what you're saying. Men have to thank themselves for it.”
“Assuredly they have. I say that I am on your side. Our civilization in this point has always been absurdly defective. Men have kept women at a barbarous stage of development, and then complain that they are barbarous. In the same way society does its best to create a criminal class, and then rages against the criminals. But, you see, I am one of the men, and an impatient one too. The mass of women I see about me are so contemptible that, in my haste, I use unjust language. Put yourself in the man’s place. Say that there are a million or so of us very intelligent and highly educated. Well, the women of corresponding mind number perhaps a few thousands. The vast majority of men must make a marriage that is doomed to be a dismal failure. We fall in love it is true; but do we really deceive ourselves about the future? A very young man may; why, we know of very young men who are so frantic as to marry girls of the working class—mere lumps of human flesh. But most of us know that our marriage is a pis aller. At first we are sad about it; then we grow cynical, and snap our fingers at moral obligation.”
“Of course they have. I’m saying I’m on your side. Our society has always been absurdly flawed when it comes to this. Men have kept women in a primitive state of development and then complain that they act primitively. In the same way, society tries hard to create a criminal class and then gets furious with the criminals. But, you see, I’m one of the men, and I’m pretty impatient too. The mass of women I see around me are so disappointing that, in my frustration, I use unfair words. Put yourself in a man's shoes. Let’s say there are a million of us who are very intelligent and well-educated. Well, the women of equal intelligence may number just a few thousand. The vast majority of men have to enter into marriages that are sure to fail. It’s true we fall in love; but do we really fool ourselves about what the future holds? A very young man might; we know of young men who are so desperate they marry working-class girls—just mere bodies without much substance. But most of us understand that our marriage is a last resort. At first, we feel sad about it; then we become cynical and disregard moral responsibility.”
“Making a bad case very much worse, instead of bravely bettering it.”
“Making a bad situation much worse instead of courageously improving it.”
“Yes, but human nature is human nature. I am only urging to you the case of average intelligent men. As likely as not—so preposterous are our conventions—you have never heard it put honestly. I tell you the simple truth when I say that more than half these men regard their wives with active disgust. They will do anything to be relieved of the sight of them for as many hours as possible at a time. If circumstances allowed, wives would be abandoned very often indeed.”
“Yes, but human nature is human nature. I'm just pointing out the case of average intelligent men. It’s likely you’ve never heard it put so honestly because our conventions are so ridiculous. I’m telling you the plain truth when I say that more than half of these men actively feel disgust towards their wives. They would do anything to avoid seeing them for as many hours as possible. If given the chance, many wives would often be left behind.”
Rhoda laughed.
Rhoda giggled.
“You regret that it isn’t done?”
"Do you wish it was done?"
“I prefer to say that I approve it when it is done without disregard of common humanity. There’s my friend Orchard. With him it was suicide or freedom from his hateful wife. Most happily, he was able to make provision for her and the children, and had strength to break his bonds. If he had left them to starve, I should have understood it, but couldn’t have approved it. There are men who might follow his example, but prefer to put up with a life of torture. Well, they do prefer it, you see. I may think that they are foolishly weak, but I can only recognize that they make a choice between two forms of suffering. They have tender consciences; the thought of desertion is too painful to them. And in a great number of cases, mere considerations of money and the like keep a man bound. But conscience and habit—detestable habit—and fear of public opinion generally hold him.”
“I’d rather say that I approve it when it’s done without ignoring basic humanity. Take my friend Orchard, for instance. For him, it was either suicide or escape from his awful wife. Luckily, he managed to provide for her and the kids and found the strength to free himself. If he had left them to fend for themselves, I would have understood it, but I couldn’t have approved of that. Some men might follow his lead, but they choose to endure a life of misery instead. Well, they do prefer that, you know. I might think they’re foolishly weak, but I can only see that they’re choosing between two kinds of suffering. They have sensitive consciences; the idea of abandoning their loved ones is just too painful for them. In many cases, financial concerns and similar issues keep a man trapped. But conscience and habit—those awful habits—and the fear of what others think usually hold him back.”
“All this is very interesting,” said Rhoda, with grave irony. “By-the-bye, under the head of detestable habit you would put love of children?”
“All this is very interesting,” Rhoda said, with serious irony. “By the way, would you classify love for children as a detestable habit?”
Barfoot hesitated.
Barfoot paused.
“That’s a motive I oughtn’t to have left out. Yet I believe, for most men, it is represented by conscience. The love of children would not generally, in itself, be strong enough to outweigh matrimonial wretchedness. Many an intelligent and kind-hearted man has been driven from his wife notwithstanding thought for his children. He provides for them as well as he can—but, and even for their sakes, he must save himself.”
"That's a reason I shouldn't have overlooked. But I think, for most men, it's tied to their conscience. The love for their children usually isn't enough to tip the scales against a miserable marriage. Many intelligent and kind-hearted men have left their wives despite thinking about their kids. He supports them as best he can—but even for their sake, he has to look out for himself."
The expression of Rhoda’s countenance suddenly changed. An extreme mobility of facial muscles was one of the things in her that held Everard’s attention.
The look on Rhoda’s face changed all of a sudden. The way her facial muscles moved so much was one of the things that caught Everard’s eye.
“There’s something in your way of putting it that I don’t like,” she said, with much frankness; “but of course I agree with you in the facts. I am convinced that most marriages are hateful, from every point of view. But there will be no improvement until women have revolted against marriage, from a reasonable conviction of its hatefulness.”
“There’s something about how you’re saying this that I don’t like,” she said honestly; “but of course, I agree with you on the facts. I’m convinced that most marriages are terrible, from every angle. But there won’t be any change until women rise up against marriage, based on a solid belief in its negativity.”
“I wish you all success—most sincerely I do.”
"I really wish you all the success—sincerely, I do."
He paused, looked about the room, and stroked his ear. Then, in a grave tone,—
He paused, looked around the room, and rubbed his ear. Then, in a serious tone,—
“My own ideal of marriage involves perfect freedom on both sides. Of course it could only be realized where conditions are favourable; poverty and other wretched things force us so often to sin against our best beliefs. But there are plenty of people who might marry on these ideal terms. Perfect freedom, sanctioned by the sense of intelligent society, would abolish most of the evils we have in mind. But women must first be civilized; you are quite right in that.”
“My ideal of marriage is complete freedom for both partners. Of course, this can only happen when the circumstances are right; poverty and other unfortunate situations often make us compromise our deepest beliefs. However, there are many people who could marry under these ideal conditions. Complete freedom, supported by the understanding of a thoughtful society, would eliminate most of the problems we think of. But women need to be educated first; you're absolutely right about that.”
The door opened, and Miss Barfoot came in. She glanced from one to the other, and without speaking gave her hand to Everard.
The door opened, and Miss Barfoot walked in. She looked from one person to the other, and without saying a word, she offered her hand to Everard.
“How is your patient?” he asked.
“How’s your patient doing?” he asked.
“A little better, I think. It is nothing dangerous. Here’s a letter from your brother Tom. Perhaps I had better read it at once; there may be news you would like to hear.”
“A little better, I think. It’s nothing serious. Here’s a letter from your brother Tom. I should probably read it right away; there might be news you’d want to hear.”
She sat down and broke the envelope. Whilst she was reading the letter to herself, Rhoda quietly left the room.
She sat down and opened the envelope. While she was reading the letter to herself, Rhoda quietly left the room.
“Yes, there is news,” said Miss Barfoot presently, “and of a disagreeable kind. A few weeks ago—before writing, that is—he was thrown off a horse and had a rib fractured.”
“Yes, there is news,” said Miss Barfoot shortly, “and it’s not good. A few weeks ago—before I wrote, that is—he fell off a horse and broke a rib.”
“Oh? How is he going on?”
“Oh? How's he doing now?”
“Getting right again, he says. And they are coming back to England; his wife’s consumptive symptoms have disappeared, of course, and she is very impatient to leave Madeira. It is to be hoped she will allow poor Tom time to get his rib set. Probably that consideration doesn’t weigh much with her. He says that he is writing to you by the same mail.”
“Getting back on track, he says. And they’re returning to England; his wife’s symptoms from her illness have cleared up, of course, and she’s very eager to leave Madeira. Hopefully, she’ll give poor Tom time to heal his broken rib. That probably doesn’t mean much to her. He says he’s writing to you in the same mail.”
“Poor old fellow!” said Everard, with feeling. “Does he complain about his wife?”
“Poor guy!” said Everard, sympathetically. “Does he say anything about his wife?”
“He never has done till now, but there’s a sentence here that reads doubtfully. “Muriel,” he says, “has been terribly upset about my accident. I can’t persuade her that I didn’t get thrown on purpose; yet I assure you I didn’t.””
“He hasn’t done it until now, but there’s a sentence here that sounds uncertain. “Muriel,” he says, “has been really upset about my accident. I can’t convince her that I didn’t get thrown off on purpose; yet I promise you I didn’t.””
Everard laughed.
Everard chuckled.
“If old Tom becomes ironical, he must be hard driven. I have no great longing to meet Mrs. Thomas.”
“If old Tom is being sarcastic, he must be really stressed. I’m not that eager to meet Mrs. Thomas.”
“She’s a silly and a vulgar woman. But I told him that in plain terms before he married. It says much for his good nature that he remains so friendly with me. Read the letter, Everard.”
“She’s a foolish and crude woman. But I told him that directly before he got married. It says a lot about his good nature that he still stays friendly with me. Read the letter, Everard.”
He did so.
He did it.
“H’m—very kind things about me. Good old Tom! Why don’t I marry? Well, now, one would have thought that his own experience—”
“H'm—really nice things about me. Good old Tom! Why don’t I get married? Well, you would have thought that his own experience—”
Miss Barfoot began to talk about something else. Before very long Rhoda came back, and in the conversation that followed it was mentioned that she would leave for her holiday in two days.
Miss Barfoot started discussing something different. Before long, Rhoda returned, and during the conversation that ensued, it was mentioned that she would be leaving for her vacation in two days.
“I have been reading about Cheddar,” exclaimed Everard, with animation. “There’s a flower grows among the rocks called the Cheddar pink. Do you know it?”
“I’ve been reading about Cheddar,” Everard exclaimed excitedly. “There’s a flower that grows among the rocks called the Cheddar pink. Have you heard of it?”
“Oh, very well,” Rhoda answered. “I’ll bring you some specimens.”
“Oh, fine,” Rhoda replied. “I’ll get you some samples.”
“Will you? That’s very kind.”
"Will you? That's really nice."
“Bring me a genuine pound or two of the cheese, Rhoda,” requested Miss Barfoot gaily.
“Bring me a real pound or two of the cheese, Rhoda,” Miss Barfoot cheerfully asked.
“I will. What they sell in the shops there is all sham, Mr. Barfoot—like so much else in this world.”
“I will. What they sell in the stores there is all fake, Mr. Barfoot—like so many other things in this world.”
“I care nothing about the cheese. That’s all very well for a matter-of-fact person like cousin Mary, but I have a strong vein of poetry; you must have noticed it?”
“I don’t care about the cheese at all. That’s fine for someone practical like cousin Mary, but I have a deep sense of poetry; you must have noticed that?”
When they shook hands,—
When they shook hands—
“You will really bring me the flowers?” Everard said in a voice sensibly softened.
“You're actually going to bring me the flowers?” Everard said in a noticeably softer voice.
“I will make a note of it,” was the reassuring answer.
“I'll make a note of it,” was the reassuring response.
CHAPTER XI
AT NATURE’S BIDDING
The sick girl whom Miss Barfoot had been to see was Monica Madden.
The sick girl that Miss Barfoot had visited was Monica Madden.
With strange suddenness, after several weeks of steady application to her work, in a cheerful spirit which at times rose to gaiety, Monica became dull, remiss, unhappy; then violent headaches attacked her, and one morning she declared herself unable to rise. Mildred Vesper went to Great Portland Street at the usual hour, and informed Miss Barfoot of her companion’s illness. A doctor was summoned; to him it seemed probable that the girl was suffering from consequences of overstrain at her old employment; there was nervous collapse, hysteria, general disorder of the system. Had the patient any mental disquietude? Was trouble of any kind (the doctor smiled) weighing upon her? Miss Barfoot, unable to answer these questions, held private colloquy with Mildred; but the latter, though she pondered a good deal with corrugated brows, could furnish no information.
Out of the blue, after several weeks of focusing on her work with a cheerful attitude that sometimes turned into joy, Monica became withdrawn, negligent, and unhappy. Then, she started experiencing intense headaches, and one morning she said she couldn’t get out of bed. Mildred Vesper went to Great Portland Street at the usual time and informed Miss Barfoot about her friend’s illness. A doctor was called; he believed that the girl was likely suffering from the effects of overworking at her previous job, facing nervous exhaustion, hysteria, and a general breakdown of her system. Did the patient have any mental worries? Was any kind of trouble (the doctor smiled) weighing on her? Miss Barfoot, unable to answer these questions, had a private conversation with Mildred; however, Mildred, although she thought hard with furrowed brows, couldn’t provide any information.
In a day or two Monica was removed to her sister’s lodgings at Lavender Hill. Mrs. Conisbee managed to put a room at her disposal, and Virginia tended her. Thither Miss Barfoot went on the evening when Everard found her away; she and Virginia, talking together after being with the invalid for a quarter of an hour, agreed that there was considerable improvement, but felt a like uneasiness regarding Monica’s state of mind.
In a day or two, Monica was moved to her sister’s place at Lavender Hill. Mrs. Conisbee arranged for a room for her, and Virginia took care of her. That evening, Miss Barfoot went to visit her after Everard had found her out; she and Virginia, after spending a quarter of an hour with the sick woman, agreed that there was a noticeable improvement, but they both felt a similar concern about Monica’s state of mind.
“Do you think,” asked the visitor, “that she regrets the step I persuaded her to take?”
“Do you think,” asked the visitor, “that she regrets the decision I convinced her to make?”
“Oh, I can’t think that! She has been so delighted with her progress each time I have seen her. No, I feel sure it’s only the results of what she suffered at Walworth Road. In a very short time we shall have her at work again, and brighter than ever.”
“Oh, I can’t believe that! She has been so happy with her progress every time I've seen her. No, I’m sure it’s just the aftermath of what she went through at Walworth Road. Soon we’ll have her back to work, and she’ll be brighter than ever.”
Miss Barfoot was not convinced. After Everard’s departure that evening she talked of the matter with Rhoda.
Miss Barfoot was not convinced. After Everard left that evening, she discussed the situation with Rhoda.
“I’m afraid,” said Miss Nunn, “that Monica is rather a silly girl. She doesn’t know her own mind. If this kind of thing is repeated, we had better send her back to the country.”
“I’m afraid,” said Miss Nunn, “that Monica is quite a silly girl. She doesn’t know what she wants. If this kind of thing keeps happening, we should probably send her back to the country.”
“To shop work again?”
“Shop for work again?”
“It might be better.”
"It could be better."
“Oh, I don’t like the thought of that.”
“Oh, I really don’t like the idea of that.”
Rhoda had one of her fits of wrathful eloquence.
Rhoda was having one of her passionate outbursts.
“Now could one have a better instance than this Madden family of the crime that middle-class parents commit when they allow their girls to go without rational training? Of course I know that Monica was only a little child when they were left orphans; but her sisters had already grown up into uselessness, and their example has been harmful to her all along. Her guardians dealt with her absurdly; they made her half a lady and half a shop-girl. I don’t think she’ll ever be good for much. And the elder ones will go on just keeping themselves alive; you can see that. They’ll never start the school that there’s so much talk of. That poor, helpless, foolish Virginia, alone there in her miserable lodging! How can we hope that any one will take her as a companion? And yet they are capitalists; eight hundred pounds between them. Think what capable women might do with eight hundred pounds.”
“Is there a better example than the Madden family of the mistake that middle-class parents make when they neglect to give their daughters proper training? Sure, Monica was just a little kid when they lost their parents, but her sisters had already grown up to be practically useless, and their influence has hurt her all along. Her guardians treated her oddly; they made her part lady and part shop girl. I doubt she’ll amount to much. As for the older sisters, they’ll just manage to get by; you can tell that. They’ll never start the school that everyone’s been talking about. That poor, helpless, clueless Virginia, stuck in her shabby lodging! How can we expect anyone to take her as a friend? And yet they have money; eight hundred pounds between them. Just think of what capable women could do with eight hundred pounds.”
“I am really afraid to urge them to meddle with the investments.”
“I’m really scared to push them to get involved with the investments.”
“Of course; so am I. One is afraid to do or propose anything. Virginia is starving, must be starving. Poor creature! I can never forget how her eyes shone when I put that joint of meat before her.”
“Of course; so am I. One is afraid to do or suggest anything. Virginia is starving, must be starving. Poor thing! I can never forget how her eyes lit up when I put that piece of meat in front of her.”
“I do, do wish,” sighed Miss Barfoot, with a pained smile, “that I knew some honest man who would be likely to fall in love with little Monica! In spite of you, my dear, I would devote myself to making the match. But there’s no one.”
“I really wish,” sighed Miss Barfoot, with a pained smile, “that I knew an honest guy who would be likely to fall in love with little Monica! Despite you, my dear, I would dedicate myself to making that happen. But there’s no one.”
“Oh, I would help,” laughed Rhoda, not unkindly. “She’s fit for nothing else, I’m afraid. We mustn’t look for any kind of heroism in Monica.”
“Oh, I would help,” laughed Rhoda, not unkindly. “She’s good for nothing else, I’m afraid. We shouldn’t expect any kind of heroism from Monica.”
Less than half an hour after Miss Barfoot had left the house at Lavender Hill, Mildred Vesper made a call there. It was about half-past nine; the invalid, after sitting up since midday, had gone to bed, but could not sleep. Summoned to the house-door, Virginia acquainted Miss Vesper with the state of affairs.
Less than half an hour after Miss Barfoot left the house at Lavender Hill, Mildred Vesper came over. It was about 9:30; the person who was unwell, after being up since noon, had gone to bed but couldn't sleep. Virginia went to the door to inform Miss Vesper about what was going on.
“I think you might see her for a few minutes.”
“I think you might get to see her for a few minutes.”
“I should like to, if you please, Miss Madden,” replied Mildred, who had a rather uneasy look.
“I would like to, if you don’t mind, Miss Madden,” replied Mildred, who looked a bit uncomfortable.
She went upstairs and entered the bedroom, where a lamp was burning. At the sight of her friend Monica showed much satisfaction; they kissed each other affectionately.
She went upstairs and entered the bedroom, where a lamp was on. Upon seeing her friend, Monica showed a lot of happiness; they kissed each other warmly.
“Good old girl! I had made up my mind to come back to-morrow, or at all events the day after. It’s so frightfully dull here. Oh, and I wanted to know if anything—any letter—had come for me.”
“Good old girl! I had decided to come back tomorrow, or at least the day after. It’s so incredibly boring here. Oh, and I wanted to see if anything—any letters—had arrived for me.”
“That’s just why I came to see you to-night.”
“That’s exactly why I came to see you tonight.”
Mildred took a letter from her pocket, and half averted her face as she handed it.
Mildred pulled a letter from her pocket and turned her face slightly away as she handed it over.
“It’s nothing particular,” said Monica, putting it away under her pillow. “Thank you, dear.”
“It’s nothing special,” said Monica, putting it away under her pillow. “Thanks, sweetheart.”
But her cheeks had become hot, and she trembled.
But her cheeks were flushed, and she shook.
“Monica—”
“Monica—”
“Well?”
"What's up?"
“You wouldn’t care to tell me about—anything? You don’t think it would make your mind easier?”
“You wouldn’t want to tell me about—anything? Don’t you think it would help clear your mind?”
For a minute Monica lay back, gazing at the wall, then she looked round quickly, with a shamefaced laugh.
For a moment, Monica reclined, staring at the wall, then she glanced around quickly, laughing sheepishly.
“It’s very silly of me not to have told you long before this. But you’re so sensible; I was afraid. I’ll tell you everything. Not now, but as soon as I get to Rutland Street. I shall come to-morrow.”
“It’s really silly of me not to have told you this much earlier. But you’re so reasonable; I was scared. I’ll explain everything. Not right now, but as soon as I get to Rutland Street. I’ll come by tomorrow.”
“Do you think you can? You look dreadfully bad still.”
“Do you think you can? You still look really awful.”
“I shan’t get any better here,” replied the invalid in a whisper. “Poor Virgie does depress me so. She doesn’t understand that I can’t bear to hear her repeating the kind of things she has heard from Miss Barfoot and Miss Nunn. She tries so hard to look forward hopefully—but I know she is miserable, and it makes me more miserable still. I oughtn’t to have left you; I should have been all right in a day or two, with you to help me. You don’t make-believe, Milly; it’s all real and natural good spirits. It has done me good only to see your dear old face.”
“I won’t get any better here,” the invalid replied softly. “Poor Virgie really gets me down. She doesn’t get that I can’t stand hearing her repeat the things she’s picked up from Miss Barfoot and Miss Nunn. She tries so hard to stay hopeful—but I know she’s unhappy, and it makes me even more miserable. I shouldn’t have left you; I would have been fine in a day or two if you had been here to help me. You don’t put on a show, Milly; it’s all genuine and natural good vibes. Just seeing your dear old face has been good for me.”
“Oh, you’re a flatterer. And do you really feel better?”
“Oh, you’re just flattering me. Do you actually feel better?”
“Very much better. I shall go to sleep very soon.”
“Much better. I'm going to sleep very soon.”
The visitor took her leave. When, a few minutes after, Monica had bidden good-night to her sister (requesting that the lamp might be left), she read what Mildred had brought.
The visitor said her goodbyes. A few minutes later, after Monica wished her sister goodnight (asking that the lamp be left on), she read what Mildred had brought.
“MY DEAREST MONICA,”—the missive began—“Why have you not written before this? I have been dreadfully uneasy ever since receiving your last letter. Your headache soon went away, I hope? Why haven’t you made another appointment? It is all I can do to keep from breaking my promise and coming to ask about you. Write at once, I implore you, my dearest. It’s no use telling me that I must not use these words of affection; they come to my lips and to my pen irresistibly. You know so well that I love you with all my heart and soul; I can’t address you like I did when we first corresponded. My darling! My dear, sweet, beautiful little girl—”
“MY DEAREST MONICA,” the letter started, “Why haven’t you written sooner? I’ve been really worried ever since I got your last letter. I hope your headache went away quickly? Why haven’t you scheduled another appointment? It’s hard for me not to break my promise and come check on you. Please write back right away, I’m begging you, my dearest. It’s pointless to tell me I shouldn’t express these feelings; they just slip out naturally. You know how deeply I love you with all my heart and soul; I can’t talk to you like I did when we first started writing. My darling! My sweet, lovely little girl—”
Four close pages of this, with scarce room at the end for “E.W.” When she had gone through it, Monica turned her face upon the pillow and lay so for a long time. A clock in the house struck eleven; this roused her, and she slipped out of the bed to hide the letter in her dress-pocket. Not long after she was asleep.
Four closely-written pages of this, with barely any room at the end for “E.W.” When she finished reading it, Monica turned her face to the pillow and stayed like that for a long time. A clock in the house chimed eleven; this woke her up, and she got out of bed to hide the letter in her dress pocket. She fell asleep not long after.
The next day, on returning from her work and opening the sitting-room door, Mildred Vesper was greeted with a merry laugh. Monica had been here since three o’clock, and had made tea in readiness for her friend’s arrival. She looked very white, but her eyes gleamed with pleasure, and she moved about the room as actively as before.
The next day, when Mildred Vesper returned home from work and opened the sitting-room door, she was met with a cheerful laugh. Monica had been there since three o’clock and had made tea in preparation for her friend's arrival. She looked quite pale, but her eyes sparkled with happiness, and she moved around the room as energetically as ever.
“Virgie came with me, but she wouldn’t stay. She says she has a most important letter to write to Alice—about the school, of course. Oh, that school! I do wish they could make up their minds. I’ve told them they may have all my money, if they like.”
“Virgie came with me, but she wouldn’t stick around. She says she has a really important letter to write to Alice—about the school, obviously. Oh, that school! I really wish they could just make a decision. I’ve told them they can have all my money, if they want.”
“Have you? I should like the sensation of offering hundreds of pounds to some one. It must give a strange feeling of dignity and importance.”
“Have you? I would love the feeling of giving hundreds of pounds to someone. It must create a strange sense of dignity and importance.”
“Oh, only two hundred! A wretched little sum.”
“Oh, just two hundred! Such a miserable amount.”
“You are a person of large ideas, as I have often told you. Where did you get them, I wonder?”
“You have big ideas, as I’ve told you before. I wonder where you got them?”
“Don’t put on that face! It’s the one I like least of all your many faces. It’s suspicious.”
“Don’t make that face! It’s the one I like the least out of all your faces. It looks suspicious.”
Mildred went to take off her things, and was quickly at the tea-table. She had a somewhat graver look than usual, and chose rather to listen than talk.
Mildred went to take off her things and quickly made her way to the tea table. She had a slightly more serious expression than usual and preferred to listen rather than speak.
Not long after tea, when there had been a long and unnatural silence, Mildred making pretence of absorption in a “Treasury” and her companion standing at the window, whence she threw back furtive glances, the thunder of a postman’s knock downstairs caused both of them to start, and look at each other in a conscience-stricken way.
Not long after tea, when there was a long and awkward silence, Mildred pretended to be absorbed in a "Treasury" while her companion stood by the window, stealing glances. The loud knock of a postman at the door startled both of them, making them look at each other with guilt.
“That may be for me,” said Monica, stepping to the door. “I’ll go and look.”
“Maybe that’s for me,” said Monica, walking to the door. “I’ll go check.”
Her conjecture was right. Another letter from Widdowson, still more alarmed and vehement than the last. She read it rapidly on the staircase, and entered the room with sheet and envelope squeezed together in her hand.
Her guess was correct. Another letter from Widdowson, even more panicked and intense than the last. She read it quickly on the staircase and walked into the room with the sheet and envelope tightly held in her hand.
“I’m going to tell you all about this, Milly.”
“I’m going to share everything about this with you, Milly.”
The other nodded and assumed an attitude of sober attention. In relating her story, Monica moved hither and thither; now playing with objects on the mantlepiece, now standing in the middle of the floor, hands locked nervously behind her. Throughout, her manner was that of defence; she seemed doubtful of herself, and anxious to represent the case as favourably as possible; not for a moment had her voice the ring of courageous passion, nor the softness of tender feeling. The narrative hung together but awkwardly, and in truth gave a very indistinct notion of how she had comported herself at the various stages of the irregular courtship. Her behaviour had been marked by far more delicacy and scruple than she succeeded in representing. Painfully conscious of this, she exclaimed at length,—
The other person nodded and took on a serious expression. As she told her story, Monica moved around; sometimes she fiddled with things on the mantelpiece, and other times she stood in the center of the room with her hands nervously clasped behind her back. Throughout, she acted defensively; she seemed unsure of herself and eager to present her situation in the best light possible. Not once did her voice carry the strength of true passion or the gentleness of sincere emotion. Her story connected, but clumsily, and honestly didn’t paint a clear picture of how she behaved during the different phases of the unconventional courtship. Her actions had shown much more sensitivity and care than she managed to convey. Aware of this, she finally exclaimed,—
“I see your opinion of me has suffered. You don’t like this story. You wonder how I could do such things.”
“I can see that your opinion of me has changed. You don’t like this story. You’re questioning how I could do something like this.”
“Well, dear, I certainly wonder how you could begin,” Mildred made answer, with her natural directness, but gently. “Afterwards, of course, it was different. When you had once got to be sure that he was a gentleman—”
“Well, dear, I really wonder how you could start,” Mildred replied, with her usual straightforwardness, but kindly. “Afterwards, of course, it changed. Once you were sure that he was a gentleman—”
“I was sure of that so soon,” exclaimed Monica, her cheeks still red. “You will understand it much better when you have seen him.”
“I was sure of that so quickly,” Monica exclaimed, her cheeks still flushed. “You’ll understand it a lot better once you’ve seen him.”
“You wish me to?”
"Do you want me to?"
“I am going to write now, and say that I will marry him.”
“I’m going to write now and say that I will marry him.”
They looked long at each other.
They stared at each other for a long time.
“You are—really?”
"Are you serious?"
“Yes. I made up my mind last night.”
“Yep. I made that choice last night.”
“But, Monica—you mustn’t mind my speaking plainly—I don’t think you love him.”
“But, Monica—you shouldn’t take it the wrong way when I say this—I don’t think you love him.”
“Yes, I love him well enough to feel that I am doing right in marrying him.” She sat down by the table, and propped her head on her hand. “He loves me; I can’t doubt that. If you could read his letters, you would see how strong his feeling is.”
“Yes, I love him enough to believe that marrying him is the right choice.” She sat down at the table and rested her head on her hand. “He loves me; I have no doubt about that. If you could read his letters, you would see how intense his feelings are.”
She shook with the cold induced by excitement; her voice was at moments all but choked.
She trembled with the cold from excitement; her voice was at times nearly choked.
“But, putting love aside,” went on the other, very gravely, “what do you really know of Mr. Widdowson? Nothing whatever but what he has told you himself. Of course you will let your friends make inquiries for you?”
“But, putting love aside,” continued the other, very seriously, “what do you really know about Mr. Widdowson? Nothing at all except what he has told you himself. Of course, you'll let your friends look into it for you?”
“Yes. I shall tell my sisters, and no doubt they will go to Miss Nunn at once. I don’t want to do anything rash. But it will be all right—I mean, he has told me the truth about everything. You would be sure of that if you knew him.”
“Yes. I’ll tell my sisters, and they’ll probably go see Miss Nunn right away. I don’t want to rush into anything. But it’s going to be fine—I mean, he’s been honest with me about everything. You’d see that if you knew him.”
Mildred, with hands before her on the table, made the tips of her fingers meet. Her lips were drawn in; her eyes seemed looking for something minute on the cloth.
Mildred, with her hands resting on the table, touched the tips of her fingers together. Her lips were tight; her eyes appeared to be searching for something tiny on the fabric.
“You know,” she said at length, “I suspected what was going on. I couldn’t help.”
“You know,” she said after a while, “I had a feeling about what was happening. I couldn’t stop it.”
“Of course you couldn’t.”
“Of course you can’t.”
“Naturally I thought it was some one whose acquaintance you had made at the shop.”
“Naturally, I figured it was someone you met at the shop.”
“How could I think of marrying any one of that kind?”
“How could I think of marrying anyone like that?”
“I should have been grieved.”
"I should have felt sad."
“You may believe me, Milly; Mr. Widdowson is a man you will respect and like as soon as you know him. He couldn’t have behaved to me with more delicacy. Not a word from him, spoken or written, has ever pained me—except that he tells me he suffers so dreadfully, and of course I can’t hear that without pain.”
“You can trust me, Milly; Mr. Widdowson is someone you will respect and like as soon as you get to know him. He has treated me with the utmost kindness. Not a single word from him, whether spoken or written, has ever hurt me—except when he says he’s in so much pain, and of course, I can’t hear that without feeling sad.”
“To respect, and even to like, a man, isn’t at all the same as loving him.”
“To respect, and even to like, a person, isn’t the same as loving them.”
“I said you would respect and like him,” exclaimed Monica, with humorous impatience. “I don’t want you to love him.”
“I said you would respect and like him,” Monica exclaimed, a little impatient but amused. “I don’t want you to love him.”
Mildred laughed, with constraint.
Mildred laughed, holding back.
“I never loved any one yet, dear, and it’s very unlikely I ever shall. But I think I know the signs of the feeling.”
“I’ve never loved anyone yet, dear, and it’s pretty unlikely I ever will. But I think I know the signs of that feeling.”
Monica came behind her, and leaned upon her shoulder.
Monica came up behind her and leaned on her shoulder.
“He loves me so much that he has made me think I must marry him. And I am glad of it. I’m not like you, Milly; I can’t be contented with this life. Miss Barfoot and Miss Nunn are very sensible and good people, and I admire them very much, but I can’t go their way. It seems to me that it would be dreadful, dreadful, to live one’s life alone. Don’t turn round and snap at me; I want to tell you the truth whilst you can’t see me. Whenever I think of Alice and Virginia, I am frightened; I had rather, oh, far rather, kill myself than live such a life at their age. You can’t imagine how miserable they are, really. And I have the same nature as theirs, you know. Compared with you and Miss Haven I’m very weak and childish.”
“He loves me so much that he’s made me feel like I have to marry him. And I'm okay with that. I’m not like you, Milly; I can’t be satisfied with this life. Miss Barfoot and Miss Nunn are very sensible and good people, and I respect them a lot, but I can’t follow their path. It seems to me that it would be terrible, just terrible, to spend my life alone. Don’t turn around and snap at me; I want to be honest with you while you can’t see me. Whenever I think of Alice and Virginia, I get scared; I’d rather, oh, way rather, kill myself than live a life like theirs at their age. You can’t really understand how miserable they are. And I have the same nature as theirs, you know. Compared to you and Miss Haven, I feel very weak and childish.”
After drumming on the table for a moment, with wrinkled brows, Mildred made grave response.
After tapping on the table for a moment, with furrowed brows, Mildred gave a serious reply.
“You must let me tell the truth as well. I think you’re going to marry with altogether wrong ideas. I think you’ll do an injustice to Mr. Widdowson. You will marry him for a comfortable home—that’s what it amounts to. And you’ll repent it bitterly some day—you’ll repent.”
“You have to let me share the truth too. I believe you’re planning to marry with completely misguided thoughts. I think you’ll be doing a disservice to Mr. Widdowson. You’ll marry him for a secure home—that’s really what it comes down to. And one day, you’ll regret it deeply—you’ll regret it.”
Monica raised herself and stood apart.
Monica got up and stepped aside.
“For one thing,” pursued Mildred, with nervous earnestness, “he’s too old. Your habits and his won’t suit.”
“For one thing,” Mildred continued, nervously serious, “he’s too old. Your habits and his just won’t match.”
“He has assured me that I shall live exactly the kind of life I please. And that will be what he pleases. I feel his kindness to me very much, and I shall do my utmost to repay him.”
“He has promised me that I will live exactly the way I want. And that will be what he wants. I really appreciate his kindness toward me, and I will do my best to repay him.”
“That’s a very nice spirit; but I believe married life is no easy thing even when the people are well matched. I have heard the most dreadful stories of quarrelling and all sorts of unhappiness between people I thought safe from any such dangers. You may be fortunate; I only say that the chances are very much against it, marrying from such motives as you confess.”
“That’s a really nice attitude; but I think married life isn’t easy, even for well-matched couples. I’ve heard the most terrible stories of fights and all kinds of unhappiness between people I thought were immune to those issues. You might be lucky; I just mean that the odds are really not in your favor when you marry for the reasons you’ve mentioned.”
Monica drew herself up.
Monica stood up straight.
“I haven’t confessed any motive to be ashamed of, Milly.”
“I haven’t admitted to any reason to be ashamed of, Milly.”
“You say you have decided to marry now because you are afraid of never having another chance.”
“You say you’ve decided to get married now because you’re worried you might never have another opportunity.”
“No; that’s turning it very unkindly. I only said that after I had told you that I did love him. And I do love him. He has made me love him.”
“No; that’s really not fair. I only said that after I told you that I love him. And I do love him. He has made me love him.”
“Then I have no right to say any more. I can only wish you happiness.”
“Then I have no right to say anything else. I can only hope for your happiness.”
Mildred heaved a sigh, and pretended to give her attention to Maunder.
Mildred let out a sigh and pretended to focus on Maunder.
After waiting irresolutely for some minutes, Monica looked for notepaper, and took it, together with her inkstand, into the bedroom. She was absent half an hour. On her return there was a stamped letter in her hand.
After waiting uncertainly for a few minutes, Monica searched for notepaper and took it, along with her inkstand, into the bedroom. She was gone for half an hour. When she came back, she had a stamped letter in her hand.
“It is going, Milly.”
"It's going, Milly."
“Very well, dear. I have nothing more to say.”
“Okay, dear. I have nothing else to add.”
“You give me up for lost. We shall see.”
“You think I’m gone for good. We’ll see about that.”
It was spoken light-heartedly. Again she left the room, put on her out-of-door things, and went to post the letter. By this time she began to feel the results of exertion and excitement; headache and tremulous failing of her strength obliged her to go to bed almost as soon as she returned. Mildred waited upon her with undiminished kindness.
It was said playfully. She left the room again, got dressed to go outside, and went to mail the letter. By this point, she started to feel the effects of her effort and excitement; a headache and a shaky weakness made her go to bed almost right after she got back. Mildred cared for her with unwavering kindness.
“It’s all right,” Monica murmured, as her head sank on the pillow. “I feel so relieved and so glad—so happy—now I have done it.”
“It’s okay,” Monica whispered, as her head sank into the pillow. “I feel so relieved and so glad—so happy—now that I’ve done it.”
“Good-night, dear,” replied the other, with a kiss, and went back to her semblance of reading.
“Goodnight, dear,” replied the other, with a kiss, and went back to her act of reading.
Two days later Monica called unexpectedly at Mrs. Conisbee’s. Being told by that worthy woman that Miss Madden was at home, she ran upstairs and tapped at the door. Virginia’s voice inquired hurriedly who was there, and on Monica’s announcing herself there followed a startled exclamation.
Two days later, Monica showed up unexpectedly at Mrs. Conisbee’s house. When the kind woman told her that Miss Madden was home, she hurried upstairs and knocked on the door. Virginia’s voice quickly asked who it was, and when Monica introduced herself, there was a surprised exclamation.
“Just a minute, my love! Only a minute.”
“Hold on, my love! Just a minute.”
When the door opened Monica was surprised by a disorder in her sister’s appearance. Virginia had flushed cheeks, curiously vague eyes, and hair ruffled as if she had just risen from a nap. She began to talk in a hurried, disconnected way, trying to explain that she had not been quite well, and was not yet properly dressed.
When the door opened, Monica was taken aback by the messiness of her sister’s look. Virginia had rosy cheeks, oddly unfocused eyes, and her hair was tousled as if she had just woken up from a nap. She started talking quickly and incoherently, attempting to explain that she hadn’t been feeling well and wasn’t fully dressed yet.
“What a strange smell!” Monica exclaimed, looking about the room. “It’s like brandy.”
“What a weird smell!” Monica exclaimed, looking around the room. “It’s like brandy.”
“You notice it? I have—I was obliged to get—to ask Mrs. Conisbee for—I don’t want to alarm you, dear, but I felt rather faint. Indeed, I thought I should have a fainting fit. I was obliged to call Mrs. Conisbee—But don’t think anything about it. It’s all over. The weather is very trying—”
“You notice it? I have—I had to ask Mrs. Conisbee for—I don’t want to worry you, dear, but I felt a bit faint. In fact, I thought I was going to faint. I had to call Mrs. Conisbee—But don’t dwell on it. It’s all good now. The weather is really tough—”
She laughed nervously and began to pat Monica’s hand. The girl was not quite satisfied, and pressed many questions, but in the end she accepted Virginia’s assurances that nothing serious had happened. Then her own business occupied her; she sat down, and said with a smile,—
She laughed nervously and started to pat Monica’s hand. The girl wasn't completely satisfied and asked a lot of questions, but eventually, she accepted Virginia's assurances that nothing serious had happened. Then her own thoughts took over; she sat down and said with a smile,—
“I have brought you astonishing news. If you didn’t faint before you’ll be very likely to do so now.”
“I have some amazing news for you. If you didn’t pass out before, you’re probably going to now.”
Her sister exhibited fresh agitation, and begged not to be kept in suspense.
Her sister showed new signs of anxiety and pleaded not to be left in suspense.
“My nerves are in a shocking state to-day. It must be the weather. What can you have to tell me, Monica?”
“My nerves are really on edge today. It must be the weather. What do you have to tell me, Monica?”
“I think I shan’t need to go on with typewriting.”
“I don’t think I’ll need to keep typing.”
“Why? What are you going to do, child?” the other asked sharply.
“Why? What are you planning to do, kid?” the other asked sharply.
“Virgie—I am going to be married.”
“Virgie—I'm getting hitched.”
The shock was a severe one. Virginia’s hands fell, her eyes started, her mouth opened; she became the colour of clay, even her lips losing for the moment all their colour.
The shock hit hard. Virginia's hands dropped, her eyes widened, her mouth fell open; she turned pale, as if made of clay, even her lips losing all their color for a moment.
“Married?” she at length gasped. “Who—who is it?”
“Married?” she finally breathed. “Who—who is it?”
“Some one you have never heard of. His name is Mr. Edmund Widdowson. He is very well off, and has a house at Herne Hill.”
“Someone you’ve never heard of. His name is Mr. Edmund Widdowson. He’s doing quite well for himself and has a house in Herne Hill.”
“A private gentleman?”
"A private dude?"
“Yes. He used to be in business, but is retired. Now, I am not going to tell you much more about him until you have made his acquaintance. Don’t ask a lot of questions. You are to come with me this afternoon to his house. He lives alone, but a relative of his, his sister-in-law, is going to be with him to meet us.”
“Yes. He used to be in business, but now he's retired. I won’t share much more about him until you meet him. Don’t ask too many questions. This afternoon, you’re coming with me to his house. He lives alone, but a relative, his sister-in-law, will be there to greet us.”
“Oh, but it’s so sudden! I can’t go to pay a call like that at a moment’s notice. Impossible, darling! What does it all mean? You are going to be married, Monica? I can’t understand it. I can’t realize it. Who is this gentleman? How long—”
“Oh, but this is all so sudden! I can’t just drop everything and make a visit on such short notice. It's impossible, darling! What does it even mean? You’re getting married, Monica? I can’t wrap my head around it. I can’t grasp it at all. Who is this guy? How long—”
“No; you won’t get me to tell you more than I have done, till you have seen him.”
“No; you won’t get me to tell you anything more than I already have until you’ve seen him.”
“But what have you told me? I couldn’t grasp it. I am quite confused. Mr.—what was the name?”
“But what have you told me? I can’t understand it. I'm really confused. Mr.—what was his name?”
It took half an hour to familiarize Virginia with the simple fact. When she was convinced of its truth, a paroxysm of delight appeared in her. She laughed, uttered cries of joy, even clapped her hands.
It took half an hour to get Virginia used to the simple fact. When she believed it was true, she was overwhelmed with happiness. She laughed, shouted with joy, and even clapped her hands.
“Monica to be married! A private gentleman—a large fortune! My darling, how shall I ever believe it? Yet I felt so sure that the day would come. What will Alice say? And Rhoda Nunn? Have you—have you ventured to tell her?”
“Monica is getting married! A nice guy—with a big fortune! My dear, how can I possibly believe it? Yet I was so sure this day would arrive. What will Alice say? And Rhoda Nunn? Have you—have you dared to tell her?”
“No, that I haven’t. I want you to do that. You shall go and see them to-morrow, as it’s Sunday.”
“No, I haven’t. I want you to do that. You should go and see them tomorrow since it’s Sunday.”
“Oh, the delight! Alice won’t be able to contain herself. We always said the day would come.”
“Oh, the excitement! Alice won’t be able to hold it in. We always said this day would come.”
“You won’t have any more anxieties, Virgie. You can take the school or not, as you like. Mr. Widdowson—”
“You won’t have to worry anymore, Virgie. You can take the school or not, it’s completely up to you. Mr. Widdowson—”
“Oh, my dear,” interposed Virginia, with sudden dignity, “we shall certainly open the school. We have made up our minds; that is to be our life’s work. It is far, far more than a mere means of subsistence. But perhaps we shall not need to hurry. Everything can be matured at our leisure. If you would only just tell me, darling, when you were first introduced?”
“Oh, my dear,” Virginia said suddenly, with a touch of dignity, “we will definitely open the school. We’ve made up our minds; this is going to be our life’s work. It’s so much more than just a way to make a living. But maybe we don’t need to rush. We can take our time with everything. If you could just tell me, darling, when you were first introduced?”
Monica laughed gaily, and refused to explain. It was time for Virginia to make herself ready, and here arose a new perturbation; what had she suitable for wear under such circumstances? Monica had decked herself a little, and helped the other to make the best of her narrow resources. At four o’clock they set out.
Monica laughed joyfully and refused to explain. It was time for Virginia to get ready, and a new worry came up; what did she have that was appropriate to wear in this situation? Monica had dressed up a bit and helped Virginia make the most of her limited options. At four o’clock, they left.
CHAPTER XII
WEDDINGS
When they reached the house at Herne Hill the sisters were both in a state of nervous tremor. Monica had only the vaguest idea of the kind of person Mrs. Luke Widdowson would prove to be, and Virginia seemed to herself to be walking in a dream.
When they got to the house at Herne Hill, the sisters were both feeling really nervous. Monica had only the faintest idea of what kind of person Mrs. Luke Widdowson would turn out to be, and Virginia felt like she was walking through a dream.
“Have you been here often?” whispered the latter, as soon as they came in view of the place. Its aspect delighted her, but the conflict of her emotions was so disturbing that she had to pause and seek the support of her sister’s arm.
“Have you been here often?” whispered the latter, as soon as they came into view of the place. Its appearance delighted her, but the mix of her emotions was so overwhelming that she had to stop and lean on her sister’s arm.
“I’ve never been inside,” Monica answered indistinctly. “Come; we shall be unpunctual.”
“I’ve never been inside,” Monica said vaguely. “Come on; we’ll be late.”
“I do wish you would tell me, dear—”
“I really wish you would tell me, dear—”
“I can’t talk, Virgie. Try and keep quiet, and behave as if it were all quite natural.”
“I can’t talk, Virgie. Try to stay quiet and act like it’s all totally normal.”
This was altogether beyond Virginia’s power. It happened most luckily, though greatly to Widdowson’s annoyance, that the sister-in-law, Mrs. Luke Widdowson, arrived nearly half an hour later than the time she had appointed. Led by the servant into a comfortable drawing-room, the visitors were received by the master of the house alone; with a grim smile, the result of his embarrassment, with profuse apologies and a courtesy altogether excessive, Widdowson did his best to put them at their ease—of course with small result. The sisters side by side on a settee at one end of the room, and the host seated far away from them, they talked with scarcely any understanding of what was said on either side—the weather and the vastness of London serving as topics—until of a sudden the door was thrown open, and there appeared a person of such imposing presence that Virginia gave a start and Monica gazed in painful fascination. Mrs. Luke was a tall and portly woman in the prime of life, with rather a high colour; her features were handsome, but without much refinement, their expression a condescending good-humour. Her mourning garb, if mourning it could be called, represented an extreme of the prevailing fashion; its glint and rustle inspired awe in the female observer. A moment ago the drawing-room had seemed empty; Mrs. Luke, in her sole person, filled and illumined it.
This was completely beyond Virginia's capability. Luckily, though it greatly annoyed Widdowson, his sister-in-law, Mrs. Luke Widdowson, arrived nearly half an hour later than she had planned. Guided by the servant into a cozy living room, the visitors were welcomed by the master of the house alone. With a tight smile born from his embarrassment, Widdowson offered profuse apologies and excessive courtesy in an attempt to make them comfortable—though it had little effect. The sisters sat next to each other on a settee at one end of the room, while their host sat far away from them, and they spoke with hardly any understanding of what was being said on either side—the weather and the vastness of London were the only topics—until suddenly the door swung open, revealing someone so impressive that Virginia jumped, and Monica stared in painful fascination. Mrs. Luke was a tall and stout woman in the prime of her life, with a rather flush complexion; her features were attractive but lacked refinement, wearing an expression of condescending friendliness. Her mourning outfit, if it could really be called mourning, showcased the height of current fashion; its shine and rustle inspired awe in the woman observing it. Just a moment ago, the living room had seemed empty; Mrs. Luke alone filled and brightened it.
Widdowson addressed this resplendent personage by her Christian name, his familiarity exciting in Monica an irrational surprise. He presented the sisters to her, and Mrs. Luke, bowing grandly at a distance, drew from her bosom a gold-rimmed pince-nez, through which she scrutinized Monica. The smile which followed might have been interpreted in several senses; Widdowson, alone capable of remarking it, answered with a look of severe dignity.
Widdowson called this impressive person by her first name, which took Monica by surprise. He introduced the sisters to her, and Mrs. Luke, bowing elegantly from afar, took a gold-rimmed pince-nez from her chest and examined Monica through it. The smile that followed could have been interpreted in a number of ways; Widdowson, the only one who noticed, responded with a look of serious dignity.
Mrs. Luke had no thought of apologizing for the lateness of her arrival, and it was evident that she did not intend to stay long. Her purpose seemed to be to make the occasion as informal as possible.
Mrs. Luke had no intention of apologizing for arriving late, and it was clear that she didn’t plan to stick around for long. Her goal appeared to be to keep the event as casual as possible.
“Do you, by chance, know the Hodgson Bulls?” she asked of her relative, interrupting him in the nervous commonplaces with which he was endeavouring to smooth the way to a general conversation. She had the accent of cultivation, but spoke rather imperiously.
“Do you happen to know the Hodgson Bulls?” she asked her relative, interrupting him in the nervous small talk he was trying to use to ease into a general conversation. She had a cultured accent but spoke rather authoritatively.
“I never heard of them,” was the cold reply.
“I’ve never heard of them,” was the cold response.
“No? They live somewhere about here. I have to make a call on them. I suppose my coachman will find the place.”
“No? They live around here somewhere. I need to give them a call. I guess my driver will be able to locate the place.”
There was an awkward silence. Widdowson was about to say something to Monica, when Mrs. Luke, who had again closely observed the girl through the glasses, interposed in a gentle tone.
There was an awkward silence. Widdowson was about to say something to Monica when Mrs. Luke, who had once again closely watched the girl through her glasses, interrupted in a gentle tone.
“Do you like this neighbourhood, Miss Madden?”
“Do you like this neighborhood, Miss Madden?”
Monica gave the expected answer, her voice sounding very weak and timid by comparison. And so, for some ten minutes, an appearance of dialogue was sustained. Mrs. Luke, though still condescending, evinced a desire to be agreeable; she smiled and nodded in reply to the girl’s remarks, and occasionally addressed Virginia with careful civility, conveying the impression, perhaps involuntarily, that she commiserated the shy and shabbily-dressed person. Tea was brought in, and after pretending to take a cup, she rose for departure.
Monica gave the answer everyone expected, her voice sounding very weak and timid in comparison. So, for about ten minutes, they maintained an appearance of conversation. Mrs. Luke, while still looking down on them, seemed to want to be friendly; she smiled and nodded in response to the girl’s comments, and sometimes spoke to Virginia with careful politeness, giving the impression, maybe without meaning to, that she felt sorry for the shy, poorly-dressed girl. Tea was brought in, and after pretending to take a cup, she stood up to leave.
“Perhaps you will come and see me some day, Miss Madden,” fell from her with unanticipated graciousness, as she stepped forward to the girl and offered her hand. “Edmund must bring you—at some quiet time when we can talk. Very glad to have met you—very glad indeed.”
“Maybe you’ll come and visit me someday, Miss Madden,” she said kindly, stepping forward to the girl and offering her hand. “Edmund should bring you—when there’s a quiet moment for us to chat. I’m really happy to have met you—truly happy.”
And the personage was gone; they heard her carriage roll away from beneath the window. All three drew a breath of relief, and Widdowson, suddenly quite another man, took a place near to Virginia, with whom in a few minutes he was conversing in the friendliest way. Virginia, experiencing a like relief, also became herself; she found courage to ask needful questions, which in every case were satisfactorily met. Of Mrs. Luke there was no word, but when they had taken their leave—the visit lasted altogether some two hours—Monica and her sister discussed that great lady with the utmost freedom. They agreed that she was personally detestable.
And the person was gone; they heard her carriage roll away from the window. All three let out a breath of relief, and Widdowson, suddenly a changed man, took a seat next to Virginia, with whom he was chatting in a very friendly manner in just a few minutes. Virginia, feeling the same relief, also relaxed; she found the courage to ask necessary questions, all of which were answered satisfactorily. There was no mention of Mrs. Luke, but after they said their goodbyes—the visit lasted about two hours—Monica and her sister openly discussed that influential woman. They agreed that she was personally unbearable.
“But very rich, my dear,” said Virginia in a murmuring voice. “You can see that. I have met such people before; they have a manner—oh! Of course Mr. Widdowson will take you to call upon her.”
“But very wealthy, my dear,” Virginia said in a soft voice. “You can tell that. I've encountered people like that before; they have a certain way about them—oh! Of course Mr. Widdowson will take you to visit her.”
“When nobody else is likely to be there; that’s what she meant,” remarked Monica coldly.
“When no one else is probably going to be there; that’s what she meant,” Monica said coldly.
“Never mind, my love. You don’t wish for grand society. I am very glad to tell you that Edmund impresses me very favourably. He is reserved, but that is no fault. Oh, we must write to Alice at once! Her surprise! Her delight!”
“Never mind, my love. You don’t care for high society. I’m really happy to say that Edmund leaves a great impression on me. He’s a bit reserved, but that’s not a bad thing. Oh, we have to write to Alice right away! She’ll be so surprised! She’ll be thrilled!”
When, on the next day, Monica met her betrothed in Regent’s Park—she still lived with Mildred Vesper, but no longer went to Great Portland Street—their talk was naturally of Mrs. Luke. Widdowson speedily led to the topic.
When, the next day, Monica met her fiancé in Regent’s Park—she still lived with Mildred Vesper, but no longer went to Great Portland Street—their conversation naturally turned to Mrs. Luke. Widdowson quickly steered the discussion in that direction.
“I had told you,” he said, with careful accent, “that I see very little of her. I can’t say that I like her, but she is a very difficult person to understand, and I fancy she often gives offence when she doesn’t at all mean it. Still, I hope you were not—displeased?”
“I told you,” he said, with a precise tone, “that I see her very rarely. I can’t say I like her, but she’s a really hard person to understand, and I think she often unintentionally offends people. Still, I hope you weren’t—upset?”
Monica avoided a direct answer.
Monica sidestepped giving a straight answer.
“Shall you take me to see her?” were her words.
“Will you take me to see her?” were her words.
“If you will go, dear. And I have no doubt she will be present at our wedding. Unfortunately, she’s my only relative; or the only one I know anything about. After our marriage I don’t think we shall see much of her—”
“If you want to go, dear. And I’m sure she’ll be at our wedding. Unfortunately, she’s my only relative; or at least the only one I know anything about. After we get married, I don’t think we’ll see much of her—”
“No, I dare say not,” was Monica’s remark. And thereupon they turned to pleasanter themes.
“No, I don’t think so,” Monica said. And then they moved on to more enjoyable topics.
That morning Widdowson had received from his sister-in-law a scribbled post-card, asking him to call upon Mrs. Luke early the day that followed. Of course this meant that the lady was desirous of further talk concerning Miss Madden. Unwillingly, but as a matter of duty, he kept the appointment. It was at eleven in the morning, and, when admitted to the flat in Victoria Street which was his relative’s abode, he had to wait a quarter of an hour for the lady’s appearance.
That morning, Widdowson got a hurriedly written postcard from his sister-in-law, asking him to visit Mrs. Luke early the next day. This clearly meant the lady wanted to discuss Miss Madden further. Reluctantly, but out of obligation, he kept the appointment. It was scheduled for eleven in the morning, and when he was let into the flat on Victoria Street where his relative lived, he had to wait fifteen minutes for the lady to show up.
Luxurious fashion, as might have been expected, distinguished Mrs. Luke’s drawing-room. Costly and beautiful things superabounded; perfume soothed the air. Only since her bereavement had Mrs. Widdowson been able to indulge this taste for modern exuberance in domestic adornment. The deceased Luke was a plain man of business, who clung to the fashions which had been familiar to him in his youth; his second wife found a suburban house already furnished, and her influence with him could not prevail to banish the horrors amid which he chose to live: chairs in maroon rep, Brussels carpets of red roses on a green ground, horse-hair sofas of the most uncomfortable shape ever designed, antimacassars everywhere, chimney ornaments of cut glass trembling in sympathy with the kindred chandeliers. She belonged to an obscure branch of a house that culminated in an obscure baronetcy; penniless and ambitious, she had to thank her imposing physique for rescue at a perilous age, and though despising Mr. Luke Widdowson for his plebeian tastes, she shrewdly retained the good-will of a husband who seemed no candidate for length of years. The money-maker died much sooner than she could reasonably have hoped, and left her an income of four thousand pounds. Thereupon began for Mrs. Luke a life of feverish aspiration. The baronetcy to which she was akin had inspired her, even from childhood, with an aristocratic ideal; a handsome widow of only eight-and-thirty, she resolved that her wealth should pave the way for her to a titled alliance. Her acquaintance lay among City people, but with the opportunities of freedom it was soon extended to the sphere of what is known as smart society; her flat in Victoria Street attracted a heterogeneous cluster of pleasure-seekers and fortune-hunters, among them one or two vagrant members of the younger aristocracy. She lived at the utmost pace compatible with technical virtue. When, as shortly happened, it became evident that her income was not large enough for her serious purpose, she took counsel with an old friend great in finance, and thenceforth the excitement of the gambler gave a new zest to her turbid existence. Like most of her female associates, she had free recourse to the bottle; but for such stimulus the life of a smart woman would be physically impossible. And Mrs. Luke enjoyed life, enjoyed it vastly. The goal of her ambition, if all went well in the City, was quite within reasonable hope. She foretasted the day when a vulgar prefix would no longer attach to her name, and when the journals of society would reflect her rising effulgence.
Luxurious fashion, as you might expect, defined Mrs. Luke’s living room. Expensive and beautiful items were everywhere, and the air was filled with soothing perfume. Only after her loss had Mrs. Widdowson been able to indulge her taste for modern extravagance in home decor. The late Mr. Luke was a straightforward businessman who stuck to the styles he knew from his youth; his second wife found a suburban house already furnished, and her influence couldn't convince him to get rid of the dreadful furnishings he preferred: maroon chairs, Brussels carpets with red roses on a green background, uncomfortably shaped horse-hair sofas, antimacassars everywhere, and cut-glass chimney ornaments that shook along with the matching chandeliers. She came from an obscure branch of a family that reached a lowly baronetcy; broke and ambitious, she owed her escape at a difficult age to her striking appearance. Although she looked down on Mr. Luke Widdowson for his common tastes, she cleverly maintained the goodwill of a husband who seemed unlikely to live long. The businessman died much sooner than she could have realistically expected and left her with an income of four thousand pounds. This marked the start of a life filled with feverish ambition for Mrs. Luke. The baronetcy to which she was related had inspired her with an aristocratic ideal since childhood; at the age of thirty-eight, a beautiful widow, she was determined to use her wealth to open the door to a title. Her connections were mostly with City folks, but with newfound freedom, she quickly expanded into what’s known as high society; her flat on Victoria Street attracted a mix of party-goers and fortune-seekers, including a few wandering members of the younger aristocracy. She lived at a fast pace that still adhered to social norms. Soon, when it became clear that her income wasn’t enough for her serious ambitions, she sought advice from an old friend who was skilled in finance, and from then on, the thrill of gambling brought a new excitement to her chaotic life. Like most of her female friends, she had easy access to alcohol; without that, the life of a fashionable woman would be physically impossible. And Mrs. Luke enjoyed life, greatly. The goal of her ambition, if all went well in the financial world, was within reasonable hope. She envisioned the day when a common prefix would no longer be attached to her name and when society magazines would showcase her rising status.
Widdowson was growing impatient, when his relative at length appeared. She threw herself into a deep chair, crossed her legs, and gazed at him mockingly.
Widdowson was getting impatient when his relative finally showed up. She plopped down in a deep chair, crossed her legs, and looked at him with a mocking gaze.
“Well, it isn’t quite so bad as I feared, Edmund.”
"Well, it’s not as bad as I thought, Edmund."
“What do you mean?”
"What do you mean?"
“Oh, she’s a decent enough little girl, I can see. But you’re a silly fellow for all that. You couldn’t have deceived me, you know. If there’d been anything—you understand?—I should have spotted it at once.”
“Oh, she’s a good enough little girl, I can see. But you’re being a bit foolish for all that. You couldn’t have fooled me, you know. If there had been anything—you get what I mean?—I would have noticed it right away.”
“I don’t relish this kind of talk,” observed Widdowson acidly. “In plain English, you supposed I was going to marry some one about whom I couldn’t confess the truth.”
“I don’t enjoy this kind of conversation,” Widdowson said sharply. “To put it simply, you think I was going to marry someone I couldn’t be honest about.”
“Of course I did. Now come; tell me how you got to know her.”
“Of course I did. Now come on; tell me how you met her.”
The man moved uneasily, but in the end related the whole story. Mrs. Luke kept nodding, with an amused air.
The man shifted uncomfortably but eventually shared the entire story. Mrs. Luke kept nodding, looking amused.
“Yes, yes; she managed it capitally. Clever little witch. Fetching eyes she has.”
“Yes, yes; she pulled it off brilliantly. Smart little witch. She has captivating eyes.”
“If you sent for me to make insulting remarks—”
“If you called me here to make insulting comments—”
“Bosh! I’ll come to the wedding gaily. But you’re a silly fellow. Now, why didn’t you come and ask me to find you a wife? Why, I know two or three girls of really good family who would have jumped, simply jumped, at a man with your money. Pretty girls too. But you always were so horribly unpractical. Don’t you know, my dear boy, that there are heaps of ladies, real ladies, waiting the first decent man who offers them five or six hundred a year? Why haven’t you used the opportunities that you knew I could put in your way?”
“Come on! I’ll go to the wedding happily. But you’re such a fool. Why didn’t you come and ask me to help you find a wife? I know a couple of really nice girls from good families who would have jumped at the chance for a man with your money. They’re pretty too. But you’ve always been so impractical. Don’t you realize, my dear boy, that there are tons of ladies, real ladies, waiting for the first decent guy who offers them five or six hundred a year? Why haven’t you taken advantage of the opportunities I could have set up for you?”
Widdowson rose from his seat and stood stiffly.
Widdowson got up from his seat and stood rigidly.
“I see you don’t understand me in the least. I am going to marry because, for the first time in my life, I have met the woman whom I can respect and love.”
“I see you don’t get me at all. I’m going to marry because, for the first time in my life, I’ve met the woman I can truly respect and love.”
“That’s very nice and proper. But why shouldn’t you respect and love a girl who belongs to good society?”
"That’s really nice and appropriate. But why shouldn’t you respect and love a girl who comes from a good background?"
“Miss Madden is a lady,” he replied indignantly.
“Miss Madden is a lady,” he replied indignantly.
“Oh—yes—to be sure,” hummed the other, letting her head roll back. “Well, bring her here some day when we can lunch quietly together. I see it’s no use. You’re not a sharp man, Edmund.”
“Oh—yeah—for sure,” the other replied, letting her head tilt back. “Well, bring her here one day when we can have lunch together peacefully. I can see it’s pointless. You’re not a very bright guy, Edmund.”
“Do you seriously tell me,” asked Widdowson, with grave curiosity, “that there are ladies in good society who would have married me just because I have a few hundreds a year?”
“Are you really telling me,” asked Widdowson, with serious interest, “that there are women in high society who would have married me just because I have a little money?”
“My dear boy, I would get together a round dozen in two or three days. Girls who would make good, faithful wives, in mere gratitude to the man who saved them from—horrors.”
“My dear boy, I could gather a dozen in two or three days. Girls who would make good, loyal wives, just out of gratitude to the man who saved them from—terrible things.”
“Excuse me if I say that I don’t believe it.”
“Sorry if I say this, but I don’t believe it.”
Mrs. Luke laughed merrily, and the conversation went on in this strain for another ten minutes. At the end, Mrs. Luke made herself very agreeable, praised Monica for her sweet face and gentle manners, and so dismissed the solemn man with a renewed promise to countenance the marriage by her gracious presence.
Mrs. Luke laughed heartily, and the conversation continued in this way for another ten minutes. In the end, Mrs. Luke was very charming, complimented Monica on her lovely face and kind demeanor, and sent the serious man off with a renewed promise to support the marriage with her gracious presence.
When Rhoda Nunn returned from her holiday it wanted but a week to Monica’s wedding, so speedily had everything been determined and arranged. Miss Barfoot, having learnt from Virginia all that was to be known concerning Mr. Widdowson, felt able to hope for the best; a grave husband, of mature years, and with means more than sufficient, seemed, to the eye of experience, no unsuitable match for a girl such as Monica. This view of the situation caused Rhoda to smile with contemptuous tolerance.
When Rhoda Nunn got back from her vacation, there was only a week left until Monica’s wedding, things had been planned and organized so quickly. Miss Barfoot, having heard from Virginia everything she needed to know about Mr. Widdowson, felt hopeful. A serious husband, of a mature age, and with more than enough money, seemed like a perfectly reasonable match for a girl like Monica, in the eyes of someone with experience. Rhoda looked at the situation with a smile of contemptuous tolerance.
“And yet,” she remarked, “I have heard you speak severely of such marriages.”
“And yet,” she said, “I’ve heard you talk harshly about those kinds of marriages.”
“It isn’t the ideal wedlock,” replied Miss Barfoot. “But so much in life is compromise. After all, she may regard him more affectionally than we imagine.”
“It’s not the perfect marriage,” Miss Barfoot replied. “But a lot in life is about compromise. After all, she might actually care for him more than we think.”
“No doubt she has weighed advantages. If the prospects you offered her had proved more to her taste she would have dismissed this elderly admirer. His fate has been decided during the last few weeks. It’s probable that the invitation to your Wednesday evenings gave her a hope of meeting young men.”
“No doubt she has considered the benefits. If the opportunities you offered her had been more appealing, she would have overlooked this older admirer. His fate has been sealed in the past few weeks. It’s likely that the invitation to your Wednesday evenings gave her a chance to meet young men.”
“I see no harm if it did,” said Miss Barfoot, smiling. “But Miss Vesper would very soon undeceive her on that point.”
“I don't see any harm if it did,” said Miss Barfoot, smiling. “But Miss Vesper would quickly set her straight on that.”
“I hardly thought of her as a girl likely to make chance friendships with men in highways and by-ways.”
“I barely thought of her as the type of girl to strike up random friendships with guys in the streets and alleys.”
“No more did I; and that makes all the more content with what has come about. She ran a terrible risk, poor child. You see, Rhoda, nature is too strong for us.”
“No more did I; and that makes me all the more content with what has happened. She took a huge risk, poor girl. You see, Rhoda, nature is too powerful for us.”
Rhoda threw her head back.
Rhoda tossed her head back.
“And the delight of her sister! It is really pathetic. The mere fact that Monica is to be married blinds the poor woman to every possibility of misfortune.” In the course of the same conversation, Rhoda remarked thoughtfully,—
“And the joy of her sister! It's really sad. The fact that Monica is getting married makes the poor woman blind to any potential problems.” During the same conversation, Rhoda said thoughtfully,—
“It strikes me that Mr. Widdowson must be of a confiding nature. I don’t think men in general, at all events those with money, care to propose marriage to girls they encounter by the way.”
“It seems to me that Mr. Widdowson must be quite trusting. I don’t think men in general, especially those with money, usually propose marriage to girls they meet casually.”
“I suppose he saw that the case was exceptional.”
“I guess he realized that the situation was unusual.”
“How was he to see that?”
“How was he supposed to see that?”
“You are severe. Her shop training accounts for much. The elder sisters could never have found a husband in this way. The revelation must have shocked them at first.”
“You're tough. Her shop training really makes a difference. The older sisters could never have found a husband like this. They must have been shocked by the news at first.”
Rhoda dismissed the subject lightly, and henceforth showed only the faintest interest in Monica’s concerns.
Rhoda brushed off the topic casually and from that point on showed only a slight interest in Monica’s issues.
Monica meanwhile rejoiced in her liberation from the work and philosophic severities of Great Portland Street. She saw Widdowson somewhere or other every day, and heard him discourse on the life that was before them, herself for the most part keeping silence. Together they called upon Mrs. Luke, and had luncheon with her. Monica was not displeased with her reception, and began secretly to hope that more than a glimpse of that gorgeous world might some day be vouchsafed to her.
Monica, on the other hand, was thrilled to be free from the hard work and serious discussions of Great Portland Street. She spotted Widdowson somewhere every day and listened to him talk about the future ahead of them, mostly staying quiet herself. They visited Mrs. Luke together and had lunch with her. Monica was pleased with how she was received and started to secretly hope that one day she might get more than just a glimpse of that beautiful world.
Apart from her future husband, Monica was in a sportive mood, with occasional fits of exhilaration which seemed rather unnatural. She had declared to Mildred her intention of inviting Miss Nunn to the wedding, and her mind was evidently set on carrying out this joke, as she regarded it. When the desire was intimated by letter, Rhoda replied with a civil refusal: she would be altogether out of place at such a ceremony, but hoped that Monica would accept her heartiest good wishes. Virginia was then dispatched to Queen’s Road, and appealed so movingly that the prophetess at length yielded. On hearing this Monica danced with delight, and her companion in Rutland Street could not help sharing her merriment.
Aside from her future husband, Monica was feeling playful, with bursts of excitement that seemed a bit odd. She had told Mildred that she wanted to invite Miss Nunn to the wedding, and she was clearly determined to go through with this prank, as she saw it. When she expressed her wish in a letter, Rhoda responded politely, saying she would feel completely out of place at such an event, but hoped Monica would accept her warmest wishes. Virginia was then sent to Queen’s Road, and she pleaded so convincingly that the prophetess finally agreed. When Monica heard this, she danced with joy, and her friend in Rutland Street couldn't help but join in her laughter.
The ceremony was performed at a church at Herne Hill. By an odd arrangement—like everything else in the story of this pair, a result of social and personal embarrassments—Monica’s belongings, including her apparel for the day, were previously dispatched to the bridegroom’s house, whither, in company with Virginia, the bride went early in the morning. It was one of the quietest of weddings, but all ordinary formalities were complied with, Widdowson having no independent views on the subject. Present were Virginia (to give away the bride), Miss Vesper (who looked decidedly odd in a pretty dress given her by Monica), Rhoda Nunn (who appeared to advantage in a costume of quite unexpected appropriateness), Mrs. Widdowson (an imposing figure, evidently feeling that she had got into strange society), and, as friend of the bridegroom, one Mr. Newdick, a musty and nervous City clerk. Depression was manifest on every countenance, not excepting Widdowson’s; the man had such a stern, gloomy look, and held himself with so much awkwardness, that he might have been imagined to stand here on compulsion. For an hour before going to the church, Monica cried and seemed unutterably doleful; she had not slept for two nights; her face was ghastly. Virginia’s gladness gave way just before the company assembled, and she too shed many tears.
The ceremony took place at a church in Herne Hill. Due to a strange arrangement—like everything else in this couple's story, a result of social and personal awkwardness—Monica's things, including her outfit for the day, were sent ahead to the groom's house, where she arrived early in the morning with Virginia. It was one of the quietest weddings, but all the usual formalities were followed, as Widdowson didn’t have any strong opinions on the matter. Present were Virginia (to give away the bride), Miss Vesper (who looked quite out of place in a pretty dress that Monica had given her), Rhoda Nunn (who looked surprisingly appropriate in her outfit), Mrs. Widdowson (an imposing figure who clearly felt she was in unfamiliar company), and Mr. Newdick, a nervous City clerk and friend of the groom. There was an evident gloom on everyone's face, including Widdowson's; he had such a stern, gloomy expression and held himself so awkwardly that it seemed he was being forced to be there. For an hour before heading to the church, Monica cried and appeared utterly miserable; she hadn’t slept for two nights, and her face looked pale. Virginia’s initial happiness faded just before the guests arrived, and she also ended up in tears.
There was a breakfast, more dismal fooling than even this species of fooling is wont to be. Mr. Newdick, trembling and bloodless, proposed Monica’s health; Widdowson, stern and dark as ever, gloomily responded; and then, that was happily over. By one o’clock the gathering began to disperse. Monica drew Rhoda Nunn aside.
There was a breakfast, even more depressing than this kind of gathering usually is. Mr. Newdick, shaking and pale, raised a toast to Monica’s health; Widdowson, as serious and dark as always, responded gloomily; and then, that was thankfully done. By one o’clock, people started to leave. Monica took Rhoda Nunn aside.
“It was very kind of you to come,” she whispered, with half a sob. “It all seems very silly, and I’m sure you have wished yourself away a hundred times. I am really, seriously, grateful to you.”
“It was so nice of you to come,” she whispered, choked with emotion. “It all feels really silly, and I'm sure you've wanted to leave a hundred times. I truly, honestly appreciate you.”
Rhoda put a hand on each side of the girl’s face, and kissed her, but without saying a word; and thereupon left the house. Mildred Vesper, after changing her dress in the room used by Monica, as she had done on arriving, went off by train to her duties in Great Portland Street. Virginia alone remained to see the married couple start for their honeymoon. They were going into Cornwall, and on the return journey would manage to see Miss Madden at her Somerset retreat. For the present, Virginia was to live on at Mrs. Conisbee’s, but not in the old way; henceforth she would have proper attendance, and modify her vegetarian diet—at the express bidding of the doctor, as she explained to her landlady.
Rhoda placed a hand on each side of the girl's face and kissed her without saying a word, then left the house. Mildred Vesper, after changing her dress in the room Monica used, just like she had when she arrived, took the train to her job in Great Portland Street. Virginia stayed behind to see the married couple off on their honeymoon. They were heading to Cornwall, and on their way back, they planned to visit Miss Madden at her Somerset retreat. For now, Virginia would continue living at Mrs. Conisbee’s, but not in the same way as before; from now on, she would have proper care and adjust her vegetarian diet—at the doctor's explicit request, as she told her landlady.
Though that very evening Everard Barfoot made a call upon his friends in Chelsea, the first since Rhoda’s return from Cheddar, he heard nothing of the event that marked the day. But Miss Nunn appeared to him unlike herself; she was absent, had little to say, and looked, what he had never yet known her, oppressed by low spirits. For some reason or other Miss Barfoot left the room.
Though that very evening, Everard Barfoot visited his friends in Chelsea for the first time since Rhoda returned from Cheddar, he heard nothing about the event that marked the day. However, Miss Nunn seemed different to him; she was distant, had little to say, and appeared, in a way he had never seen before, weighed down by low spirits. For some reason, Miss Barfoot left the room.
“You are thinking with regret of your old home,” Everard remarked, taking a seat nearer to Miss Nunn.
“You're reminiscing about your old home with regret,” Everard said, sitting down closer to Miss Nunn.
“No. Why should you fancy that?”
“No. Why would you think that?”
“Only because you seem rather sad.”
“Just because you look a bit down.”
“One is sometimes.”
"Sometimes, one is."
“I like to see you with that look. May I remind you that you promised me some flowers from Cheddar?”
“I like seeing you with that look. Just a reminder that you promised me some flowers from Cheddar?”
“Oh, so I did,” exclaimed the other in a tone of natural recollection. “I have brought them, scientifically pressed between blotting-paper. I’ll fetch them.”
“Oh, I did,” said the other, sounding like he just remembered. “I’ve brought them, carefully pressed between blotting paper. I’ll go get them.”
When she returned it was together with Miss Barfoot, and the conversation became livelier.
When she came back, she was with Miss Barfoot, and the conversation got more lively.
A day or two after this Everard left town, and was away for three weeks, part of the time in Ireland.
A day or two later, Everard left town and was gone for three weeks, spending some of that time in Ireland.
“I left London for a while,” he wrote from Killarney to his cousin, “partly because I was afraid I had begun to bore you and Miss Nunn. Don’t you regret giving me permission to call upon you? The fact is, I can’t live without intelligent female society; talking with women, as I talk with you two, is one of my chief enjoyments. I hope you won’t get tired of my visits; in fact, they are all but a necessity to me, as I have discovered since coming away. But it was fair that you should have a rest.”
“I took a break from London for a bit,” he wrote from Killarney to his cousin, “partly because I was worried I might have started to bore you and Miss Nunn. Don’t you regret letting me come see you? The truth is, I can’t live without engaging conversations with smart women; chatting with you two is one of my favorite pastimes. I hope you won’t grow tired of my visits; honestly, they’ve become almost essential for me since I’ve been away. But it’s only fair that you get a little break.”
“Don’t be afraid,” Miss Barfoot replied to this part of his letter. “We are not at all weary of your conversation. The truth is, I like it much better than in the old days. You seem to me to have a healthier mind, and I am quite sure that the society of intelligent women (we affect no foolish self-depreciation, Miss Nunn and I) is a good thing for you. Come back to us as soon as you like; I shall welcome you.”
“Don’t worry,” Miss Barfoot responded to this part of his letter. “We’re not tired of your conversation at all. Honestly, I enjoy it way more than I did before. You seem to have a healthier mindset, and I’m definitely sure that being around smart women (Miss Nunn and I aren’t about to downplay ourselves) is good for you. Come back to us whenever you want; I’ll be happy to see you.”
It happened that his return to England was almost simultaneous with the arrival from Madeira of Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Barfoot. Everard at once went to see his brother, who for the present was staying at Torquay. Ill-health dictated his choice of residence; Thomas was still suffering from the results of his accident; his wife had left him at a hotel, and was visiting relatives in different parts of England. The brothers exhibited much affectionate feeling after their long separation; they spent a week together, and planned for another meeting when Mrs. Thomas should have returned to her husband.
It turned out that his return to England coincided almost exactly with the arrival from Madeira of Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Barfoot. Everard immediately went to visit his brother, who was currently staying in Torquay. Illness influenced his choice of where to stay; Thomas was still dealing with the aftermath of his accident; his wife had left him at a hotel and was visiting relatives in various parts of England. The brothers showed a lot of affection for each other after their long time apart; they spent a week together and made plans for another get-together when Mrs. Thomas came back to her husband.
An engagement called Everard back to town. He was to be present at the wedding of his friend Micklethwaite, now actually on the point of taking place. The mathematician had found a suitable house, very small and of very low rental, out at South Tottenham, and thither was transferred the furniture which had been in his bride’s possession since the death of her parents; Micklethwaite bought only a few new things. By discreet inquiry, Barfoot had discovered that “Fanny,” though musically inclined, would not possess a piano, her old instrument being quite worn out and not worth the cost of conveyance; thus it came to pass that, a day or two before the wedding, Micklethwaite was astonished by the arrival of an instrument of the Cottage species, mysteriously addressed to a person not yet in existence, Mrs. Micklethwaite.
An engagement brought Everard back to town. He was set to attend his friend Micklethwaite's wedding, which was about to happen. The mathematician had found a small, affordable house in South Tottenham, and the furniture from his bride's home, inherited after her parents passed away, was moved there; Micklethwaite only bought a few new items. By discreetly asking around, Barfoot found out that “Fanny,” although musically talented, wouldn’t have a piano since her old one was completely worn out and not worth moving. So, a day or two before the wedding, Micklethwaite was surprised to receive a Cottage-style instrument, mysteriously addressed to someone who didn't exist yet, Mrs. Micklethwaite.
“You scoundrel!” he cried, when, on the next day, Barfoot presented himself at the house. “This is your doing. What the deuce do you mean? A man who complains of poverty! Well, it’s the greatest kindness I ever received, that’s all. Fanny will be devoted to you. With music in the house, our blind sister will lead quite a different life. Confound it! I want to begin crying. Why, man, I’m not accustomed to receive presents, even as a proxy; I haven’t had one since I was a schoolboy.”
“You scoundrel!” he shouted when Barfoot showed up at the house the next day. “This is your fault. What the heck do you mean? A guy who complains about being broke! Well, this is the nicest thing I’ve ever received, that’s for sure. Fanny will be devoted to you. With music in the house, our blind sister will have a whole new life. Damn it! I feel like crying. Seriously, man, I’m not used to getting presents, even through a proxy; I haven’t had one since I was a schoolboy.”
“That’s an audacious statement. When you told me that Miss Wheatley never allowed your birthday to pass without sending something.”
“That’s a bold statement. When you told me that Miss Wheatley never let your birthday go by without sending something.”
“Oh, Fanny! But I have never thought of Fanny as a separate person. Upon my word, now I think of it, I never have. Fanny and I have been one for ages.”
“Oh, Fanny! But I’ve never really considered Fanny as her own person. Honestly, now that I think about it, I never have. Fanny and I have been one for a long time.”
That evening the sisters arrived from their country home. Micklethwaite gave up the house to them, and went to a lodging.
That evening, the sisters arrived from their country home. Micklethwaite left the house for them and moved to a boarding house.
It was with no little curiosity that, on the appointed morning, Barfoot repaired to South Tottenham. He had seen a photograph of Miss Wheatley, but it dated from seventeen years ago. Standing in her presence, he was moved with compassion, and with another feeling more rarely excited in him by a woman’s face, that of reverential tenderness. Impossible to recognize in this countenance the features known to him from the portrait. At three-and-twenty she had possessed a sweet, simple comeliness on which any man’s eye would have rested with pleasure; at forty she was wrinkled, hollow-cheeked, sallow, indelible weariness stamped upon her brow and lips. She looked much older than Mary Barfoot, though they were just of an age. And all this for want of a little money. The life of a pure, gentle, tender-hearted woman worn away in hopeless longing and in hard struggle for daily bread. As she took his hand and thanked him with an exquisite modesty for the present she had received, Everard felt a lump rise in his throat. He was ashamed to notice that the years had dealt so unkindly with her; fixing his look upon her eyes, he gladdened at the gladness which shone in them, at the soft light which they could still shed forth.
It was with considerable curiosity that, on the scheduled morning, Barfoot went to South Tottenham. He had seen a photo of Miss Wheatley, but it was taken seventeen years ago. Standing in front of her, he felt a wave of compassion, along with a rarer feeling that a woman's face inspired in him: a sense of respectful tenderness. It was impossible to recognize in her face the features he remembered from the portrait. At twenty-three, she had a sweet, simple beauty that would catch any man's eye; at forty, she looked wrinkled, with hollow cheeks, sallow skin, and an unmistakable weariness marked on her brow and lips. She appeared much older than Mary Barfoot, even though they were the same age. All this just because of a little money. The life of a pure, gentle, tender-hearted woman worn down by hopeless longing and the hard struggle for daily survival. As she took his hand and thanked him with a lovely modesty for the gift she had received, Everard felt a lump in his throat. He was embarrassed to see how unkindly the years had treated her; fixing his gaze on her eyes, he felt joy at the happiness that still shone in them, at the soft light they could still emit.
Micklethwaite was probably unconscious of the poor woman’s faded appearance. He had seen her from time to time, and always with the love which idealizes. In his own pathetic phrase, she was simply a part of himself; he no more thought of criticizing her features than of standing before the glass to mark and comment upon his own. It was enough to glance at him as he took his place beside her, the proudest and happiest of men. A miracle had been wrought for him; kind fate, in giving her to his arms, had blotted out those long years of sorrow, and to-day Fanny was the betrothed of his youth, beautiful in his sight as when first he looked upon her.
Micklethwaite probably didn’t notice the poor woman’s worn-out look. He had seen her from time to time, always with a love that idealizes. In his own sad way, she was just a part of him; he wouldn’t think of criticizing her looks any more than he would stand in front of a mirror to critique his own. It was enough to see him as he took his place beside her, the proudest and happiest of men. A miracle had happened for him; kind fate, by putting her in his arms, had erased those long years of sorrow, and today Fanny was the betrothed of his youth, as beautiful in his eyes as when he first laid eyes on her.
Her sister, younger by five years, had more regular lineaments, but she too was worn with suffering, and her sightless eyes made it more distressing to contemplate her. She spoke cheerfully, however, and laughed with joy in Fanny’s happiness. Barfoot pressed both her hands with the friendliest warmth.
Her sister, five years younger, had more defined features, but she was also showing signs of exhaustion from her struggles, and her sightless eyes made it even harder to look at her. However, she spoke cheerfully and laughed in joy at Fanny's happiness. Barfoot held both her hands warmly and in a friendly manner.
One vehicle conveyed them all to the church, and in half an hour the lady to whom the piano was addressed had come into being. The simplest of transformations; no bridal gown, no veil, no wreath; only the gold ring for symbol of union. And it might have happened nigh a score of years ago; nigh a score of years lost from the span of human life—all for want of a little money.
One car took them all to the church, and in half an hour, the woman for whom the piano was meant had come to be. The simplest of changes; no wedding dress, no veil, no crown; just the gold ring symbolizing their bond. It could have happened nearly twenty years ago; nearly twenty years wasted in a person's life—all for the lack of a little money.
“I will say good-bye to you here,” muttered Everard to his friend at the church door.
“I’ll say goodbye to you here,” muttered Everard to his friend at the church door.
The married man gripped him by the arm.
The married guy grabbed him by the arm.
“You will do nothing of the kind.—Fanny, he wants to be off at once!—You won’t go until you have heard my wife play something on that blessed instrument.”
“You're not doing that at all. — Fanny, he wants to leave right away! — You won’t go until you've heard my wife play something on that wonderful instrument.”
So all entered a cab again and drove back to the house. A servant who had come with Fanny from the country, a girl of fifteen, opened the door to them, smiling and curtseying. And all sat together in happy talk, the blind woman gayest among them; she wished to have the clergyman described to her, and the appearance of the church. Then Mrs. Micklethwaite placed herself at the piano, and played simple, old-fashioned music, neither well nor badly, but to the infinite delight of two of her hearers.
So everyone hopped into a cab again and drove back to the house. A servant who had come with Fanny from the countryside, a girl of fifteen, opened the door for them, smiling and curtsying. Then they all sat together, chatting happily, with the blind woman being the most cheerful; she wanted a description of the clergyman and the church's appearance. After that, Mrs. Micklethwaite sat down at the piano and played some simple, old-fashioned music, neither particularly good nor bad, but it brought immense joy to two of her listeners.
“Mr. Barfoot,” said the sister at length, “I have known your name for a long time, but I little thought to meet you on such a day as this, and to owe you such endless thanks. So long as I can have music I forget that I can’t see.”
“Mr. Barfoot,” the sister finally said, “I've known your name for a long time, but I never expected to meet you on a day like this and to owe you so much gratitude. As long as I can have music, I forget that I can’t see.”
“Barfoot is the finest fellow on earth,” exclaimed Micklethwaite. “At least, he would be if he understood Trilinear Co-ordinates.”
“Barfoot is the greatest guy ever,” exclaimed Micklethwaite. “Well, he would be if he understood Trilinear Coordinates.”
“Are you strong in mathematics, Mrs. Micklethwaite?” asked Everard.
“Are you good at math, Mrs. Micklethwaite?” asked Everard.
“I? Oh dear, no! I never got much past the Rule of Three. But Tom has forgiven me that long ago.”
“I? Oh no! I never really got past the Rule of Three. But Tom forgave me for that a long time ago.”
“I don’t despair of getting you into plane trigonometry, Fanny. We will gossip about sines and co-sines before we die.”
“I’m not giving up on getting you into plane trigonometry, Fanny. We’ll chat about sines and cosines before we kick the bucket.”
It was said half-seriously, and Everard could not but burst into laughter.
It was said half-seriously, and Everard couldn't help but laugh.
He sat down with them to their plain midday meal, and early in the afternoon took his leave. He had no inclination to go home, if the empty flat could be dignified with such a name. After reading the papers at his club, he walked aimlessly about the streets until it was time to return to the same place for dinner. Then he sat with a cigar, dreaming, and at half-past eight went to the Royal Oak Station, and journeyed to Chelsea.
He sat down with them for their simple lunch and, early in the afternoon, said goodbye. He had no desire to go home, if the empty apartment could be called that. After reading the newspapers at his club, he wandered aimlessly around the streets until it was time to head back for dinner. Then he sat with a cigar, daydreaming, and at 8:30, he went to the Royal Oak Station and traveled to Chelsea.
CHAPTER XIII
DISCORD OF LEADERS
A disappointment awaited him. Miss Barfoot was not well enough to see any one. Had she been suffering long? he inquired. No; it was only this evening; she had not dined, and was gone to her room. Miss Nunn could not receive him.
A disappointment greeted him. Miss Barfoot wasn’t feeling well enough to see anyone. Had she been unwell for long? he asked. No; it was just this evening; she hadn’t eaten dinner and had gone to her room. Miss Nunn couldn’t meet with him.
He went home, and wrote to his cousin.
He went home and wrote to his cousin.
The next morning he came upon a passage in the newspaper which seemed to suggest a cause for Miss Barfoot’s indisposition. It was the report of an inquest. A girl named Bella Royston had poisoned herself. She was living alone, without occupation, and received visits only from one lady. This lady, her name Miss Barfoot, had been supplying her with money, and had just found her a situation in a house of business; but the girl appeared to have gone through troubles which had so disturbed her mind that she could not make the effort required of her. She left a few lines addressed to her benefactress, just saying that she chose death rather than the struggle to recover her position.
The next morning he came across an article in the newspaper that seemed to explain Miss Barfoot’s condition. It was a report about an inquest. A girl named Bella Royston had taken poison. She was living alone, without a job, and only received visits from one woman. This woman, named Miss Barfoot, had been giving her money and had just found her a new job, but it seemed the girl had gone through such tough times that she couldn't muster the effort needed. She left a few lines addressed to her benefactor, simply stating that she preferred death to the struggle of trying to get her life back on track.
It was Saturday. He decided to call in the afternoon and see whether Mary had recovered.
It was Saturday. He decided to check in the afternoon to see if Mary was feeling better.
Again a disappointment. Miss Barfoot was better, and had been away since breakfast; Miss Nunn was also absent.
Again a disappointment. Miss Barfoot was feeling better and had been gone since breakfast; Miss Nunn was also not there.
Everard sauntered about the neighbourhood, and presently found himself in the gardens of Chelsea Hospital. It was a warm afternoon, and so still that he heard the fall of yellow leaves as he walked hither and thither along the alleys. His failure to obtain an interview with Miss Nunn annoyed him; but for her presence in the house he would not have got into this habit of going there. As far as ever from harbouring any serious thoughts concerning Rhoda, he felt himself impelled along the way which he had jokingly indicated in talk with Micklethwaite; he was tempted to make love to her as an interesting pastime, to observe how so strong-minded a woman would conduct herself under such circumstances. Had she or not a vein of sentiment in her character? Was it impossible to move her as other women are moved? Meditating thus, he looked up and saw the subject of his thoughts. She was seated a few yards away, and seemingly had not yet become aware of him, her eyes were on the ground, and troubled reverie appeared in her countenance.
Everard strolled around the neighborhood and eventually found himself in the gardens of Chelsea Hospital. It was a warm afternoon, and it was so quiet that he could hear the yellow leaves falling as he wandered along the paths. He was annoyed by his failure to get a meeting with Miss Nunn; if it weren't for her being in the house, he wouldn’t have developed this habit of going there. Far from having any serious thoughts about Rhoda, he felt drawn to the idea he had jokingly mentioned in his conversation with Micklethwaite; he was tempted to flirt with her as a fun distraction, to see how such a strong-minded woman would react in that situation. Did she have any romantic side to her character? Was it impossible to influence her like other women? While reflecting on this, he looked up and saw the focus of his thoughts. She was sitting a few yards away, seemingly unaware of him, her eyes on the ground, and a look of troubled reflection on her face.
“I have just called at the house, Miss Nunn. How is my cousin to-day?”
“I just stopped by the house, Miss Nunn. How is my cousin doing today?”
She had looked up only a moment before he spoke, and seemed vexed at being thus discovered.
She had just looked up before he spoke and seemed annoyed at being caught like that.
“I believe Miss Barfoot is quite well,” she answered coldly, as they shook hands.
“I think Miss Barfoot is doing pretty well,” she replied coolly, as they shook hands.
“But yesterday she was not so.”
"But yesterday she wasn't like that."
“A headache, or something of the kind.”
“A headache, or something like that.”
He was astonished. Rhoda spoke with a cold indifference. She had risen, and showed her wish to move from the spot.
He was shocked. Rhoda spoke with a cool indifference. She had gotten up and indicated that she wanted to leave the place.
“She had to attend an inquest yesterday. Perhaps it rather upset her?”
“She had to go to an inquest yesterday. Maybe it upset her a bit?”
“Yes, I think it did.”
"Yeah, I think it did."
Unable to adapt himself at once to this singular mood of Rhoda’s, but resolved not to let her go before he had tried to learn the cause of it, he walked along by her side. In this part of the gardens there were only a few nursemaids and children; it would have been a capital place and time for improving his intimacy with the remarkable woman. But possibly she was determined to be rid of him. A contest between his will and hers would be an amusement decidedly to his taste.
Unable to adjust to Rhoda's strange mood right away, but determined not to let her go without figuring out what was bothering her, he walked alongside her. In this area of the gardens, there were just a few nannies and kids; it would have been a great opportunity to get to know the remarkable woman better. But maybe she was set on getting rid of him. A battle of wills between them would definitely be something he enjoyed.
“You also have been disturbed by it, Miss Nunn.”
"You've also been bothered by it, Miss Nunn."
“By the inquest?” she returned, with barely veiled scorn. “Indeed I have not.”
“By the inquest?” she replied, barely hiding her contempt. “Of course I haven’t.”
“Did you know that poor girl?”
“Did you know that girl who's struggling?”
“Some time ago.”
“Some time back.”
“Then it is only natural that her miserable fate should sadden you.”
“Then it makes sense that her unfortunate fate would make you sad.”
He spoke as if with respectful sympathy, ignoring what she had said.
He spoke as if he genuinely cared, overlooking what she had said.
“It has no effect whatever upon me,” Rhoda answered, glancing at him with surprise and displeasure.
“It doesn't affect me at all,” Rhoda replied, looking at him with surprise and annoyance.
“Forgive me if I say that I find it difficult to believe that. Perhaps you—”
“Forgive me if I say that I find it hard to believe that. Maybe you—”
She interrupted him.
She cut him off.
“I don’t easily forgive anyone who charges me with falsehood, Mr. Barfoot.”
“I don’t easily forgive anyone who accuses me of lying, Mr. Barfoot.”
“Oh, you take it too seriously. I beg your pardon a thousand times. I was going to say that perhaps you won’t allow yourself to acknowledge any feeling of compassion in such a case.”
“Oh, you’re taking this too seriously. I’m truly sorry. I was going to mention that maybe you won’t let yourself feel any compassion in a situation like this.”
“I don’t acknowledge what I don’t feel. I will bid you good-afternoon.”
“I don’t recognize what I don’t feel. I will say good afternoon to you.”
He smiled at her with all the softness and persuasiveness of which he was capable. She had offered her hand with cold dignity, and instead of taking it merely for good-bye he retained it.
He smiled at her with all the softness and charm he could muster. She had extended her hand with a cool sense of dignity, and instead of just shaking it to say goodbye, he held on to it.
“You must, you shall forgive me! I shall be too miserable if you dismiss me in this way. I see that I was altogether wrong. You know all the particulars of the case, and I have only read a brief newspaper account. I am sure the girl didn’t deserve your pity.”
“You have to forgive me! I’ll be really upset if you push me away like this. I realize I was completely wrong. You know all the details of the situation, and I’ve only seen a short news article about it. I’m sure the girl didn’t deserve your sympathy.”
She was trying to draw her hand away. Everard felt the strength of her muscles, and the sensation was somehow so pleasant that he could not at once release her.
She was trying to pull her hand away. Everard felt the strength of her muscles, and the feeling was so nice that he couldn't let go of her right away.
“You do pardon me, Miss Nunn?”
"Do you forgive me, Miss Nunn?"
“Please don’t be foolish. I will thank you to let my hand go.”
“Please don’t be silly. I would appreciate it if you would let go of my hand.”
Was it possible? Her cheek had coloured, ever so slightly. But with indignation, no doubt, for her eyes flashed sternly at him. Very unwillingly, Everard had no choice but to obey the command.
Was it possible? Her cheek had flushed, just a bit. But it was undoubtedly out of indignation, as her eyes flashed sternly at him. Reluctantly, Everard had no option but to obey the command.
“Will you have the kindness to tell me,” he said more gravely, “whether my cousin was suffering only from that cause?”
“Could you please tell me,” he said more seriously, “if my cousin was suffering solely from that reason?”
“I can’t say,” she added after a pause. “I haven’t spoken with Miss Barfoot for two or three days.”
“I can’t say,” she added after a pause. “I haven’t talked to Miss Barfoot in two or three days.”
He looked at her with genuine astonishment.
He looked at her in genuine surprise.
“You haven’t seen each other?”
“Have you not seen each other?”
“Miss Barfoot is angry with me. I think we shall be obliged to part.”
“Miss Barfoot is upset with me. I think we’ll have to go our separate ways.”
“To part? What can possibly have happened? Miss Barfoot angry with you?”
“To break up? What could have possibly happened? Miss Barfoot mad at you?”
“If I must satisfy your curiosity, Mr. Barfoot, I had better tell you at once that the subject of our difference is the girl you mentioned. Not very long ago she tried to persuade your cousin to receive her again—to give her lessons at the place in Great Portland Street, as before she disgraced herself. Miss Barfoot, with too ready good-nature, was willing to do this, but I resisted. It seemed to me that it would be a very weak and wrong thing to do. At the time she ended by agreeing with me. Now that the girl has killed herself, she throws the blame upon my interference. We had a painful conversation, and I don’t think we can continue to live together.”
“If I have to satisfy your curiosity, Mr. Barfoot, I should tell you right away that the issue we're arguing about is the girl you mentioned. Not long ago, she tried to convince your cousin to accept her again—to give her lessons at the place on Great Portland Street, like before she embarrassed herself. Miss Barfoot, being overly kind, was willing to do this, but I opposed it. It seemed to me that it would be very weak and wrong. In the end, she agreed with me. Now that the girl has taken her own life, she blames my involvement. We had a difficult conversation, and I don’t think we can keep living together.”
Barfoot listened with gratification. It was much to have compelled Rhoda to explain herself, and on such a subject.
Barfoot listened with satisfaction. It was a big deal to have made Rhoda open up about herself, especially on such a topic.
“Nor even to work together?” he asked.
“Not even to work together?” he asked.
“It is doubtful.”
"Not sure."
Rhoda still moved forward, but very slowly, and without impatience.
Rhoda kept moving forward, but really slowly and without any impatience.
“You will somehow get over this difficulty, I am sure. Such friends as you and Mary don’t quarrel like ordinary unreasonable women. Won’t you let me be of use?”
“You'll find a way to get through this challenge, I’m sure of it. Friends like you and Mary don’t argue like typical unreasonable women. Can I help in some way?”
“How?” asked Rhoda with surprise.
“How?” Rhoda asked, surprised.
“I shall make my cousin see that she is wrong.”
"I'll make my cousin realize that she's mistaken."
“How do you know that she is wrong?”
“How do you know she’s wrong?”
“Because I am convinced that you must be right. I respect Mary’s judgment, but I respect yours still more.”
“Because I truly believe that you are right. I value Mary’s opinion, but I value yours even more.”
Rhoda raised her head and smiled.
Rhoda lifted her head and smiled.
“That compliment,” she said, “pleases me less than the one you have uttered without intending it.”
“That compliment,” she said, “makes me less happy than the one you said without realizing it.”
“You must explain.”
"Please explain."
“You said that by making Miss Barfoot see she was wrong you could alter her mind towards me. The world’s opinion would hardly support you in that, even in the case of men.”
“You said that by showing Miss Barfoot she was wrong, you could change her feelings about me. The world's opinion wouldn't really back you up on that, even in the case of men.”
Everard laughed.
Everard laughed.
“Now this is better. Now we are talking in the old way. Surely you know that the world’s opinion has no validity for me.”
“Now this is better. Now we’re speaking in a traditional way. You must know that the world’s opinion doesn’t matter to me.”
She kept silence.
She stayed quiet.
“But, after all, is Mary wrong? I’m not afraid to ask the question now that your face has cleared a little. How angry you were with me! But surely I didn’t deserve it. You would have been much more forbearing if you had known what delight I felt when I saw you sitting over there. It is nearly a month since we met, and I couldn’t keep away any longer.”
“But, after all, is Mary wrong? I’m not afraid to ask the question now that your expression has softened a bit. You were so angry with me! But I really didn’t deserve that. You would have been much more understanding if you had known how happy I felt seeing you sitting there. It’s been almost a month since we last met, and I couldn’t stay away any longer.”
Rhoda swept the distance with indifferent eyes.
Rhoda looked out at the distance with uninterested eyes.
“Mary was fond of this girl?” he inquired, watching her.
“Mary liked this girl?” he asked, observing her.
“Yes, she was.”
"Yeah, she was."
“Then her distress, and even anger, are natural enough. We won’t discuss the girl’s history; probably I know all that I need to. But whatever her misdoing, you certainly didn’t wish to drive her to suicide.”
“Then her distress, and even anger, make perfect sense. We won't go into the girl's background; I probably know all I need to. But no matter what she did wrong, you definitely didn’t want to push her to suicide.”
Rhoda deigned no reply.
Rhoda didn't respond.
“All the same,” he continued in his gentlest tone, “it turns out that you have practically done so. If Mary had taken the girl back that despair would most likely never have come upon her. Isn’t it natural that Mary should repent of having been guided by you, and perhaps say rather severe things?”
“All the same,” he continued in his gentlest tone, “it turns out that you have practically done so. If Mary had taken the girl back, that despair would most likely never have come upon her. Isn’t it natural that Mary should regret being guided by you and maybe say some harsh things?”
“Natural, no doubt. But it is just as natural for me to resent blame where I have done nothing blameworthy.”
“Of course, it's natural. But it's just as natural for me to feel resentment when I’m blamed for something I didn't do wrong.”
“You are absolutely sure that this is the case?”
“You're absolutely sure this is the case?”
“I thought you expressed a conviction that I was in the right?”
"I thought you were convinced that I was right?"
There was no smile, but Everard believed that he detected its possibility on the closed lips.
There was no smile, but Everard thought he sensed the potential for one on the closed lips.
“I have got into the way of always thinking so—in questions of this kind. But perhaps you tend to err on the side of severity. Perhaps you make too little allowance for human weakness.”
“I’ve started to think this way all the time—about questions like this. But maybe you lean too much towards being harsh. Maybe you don’t give enough credit to human frailty.”
“Human weakness is a plea that has been much abused, and generally in an interested spirit.”
“Human weakness is a plea that has been overly exploited, often for selfish reasons.”
This was something like a personal rebuke. Whether she so meant it, Barfoot could not determine. He hoped she did, for the more personal their talk became the better he would be pleased.
This felt like a personal criticism. Barfoot couldn’t tell if she intended it that way. He hoped she did, because the more personal their conversation got, the more he would enjoy it.
“I, for one,” he said, “very seldom urge that plea, whether in my own defence or another’s. But it answers to a spirit we can’t altogether dispense with. Don’t you feel ever so little regret that your severe logic prevailed?”
“I, for one,” he said, “very rarely make that argument, whether for myself or for someone else. But it resonates with a feeling we can’t completely ignore. Don’t you feel even a bit of regret that your harsh logic won out?”
“Not the slightest regret.”
"No regrets at all."
Everard thought this answer magnificent. He had anticipated some evasion. However inappropriately, he was constrained to smile.
Everard thought this answer was amazing. He had expected some kind of evasion. Despite the inappropriateness of it, he couldn't help but smile.
“How I admire your consistency! We others are poor halting creatures in comparison.”
“How I admire your consistency! We’re just clumsy beings by comparison.”
“Mr. Barfoot,” said Rhoda suddenly, “I have had enough of this. If your approval is sincere, I don’t ask for it. If you are practising your powers of irony, I had rather you chose some other person. I will go my way, if you please.”
“Mr. Barfoot,” Rhoda said abruptly, “I’ve had enough of this. If you really mean what you say, I don’t need your approval. If you’re just being sarcastic, I’d prefer you picked someone else. I’ll be on my way, if that’s all right with you.”
She just bent her head, and left him.
She simply lowered her head and walked away from him.
Enough for the present. Having raised his hat and turned on his heels, Barfoot strolled away in a mood of peculiar satisfaction. He laughed to himself. She was certainly a fine creature—yes, physically as well. Her out-of-door appearance on the whole pleased him; she could dress very plainly without disguising the advantages of figure she possessed. He pictured her rambling about the hills, and longed to be her companion on such an expedition; there would be no consulting with feebleness, as when one sets forth to walk with the everyday woman. What daring topics might come up in the course of a twenty-mile stretch across country! No Grundyism in Rhoda Nunn; no simpering, no mincing of phrases. Why, a man might do worse than secure her for his comrade through the whole journey of life.
Enough for now. After tipping his hat and turning on his heels, Barfoot walked away feeling unusually satisfied. He chuckled to himself. She was definitely an impressive woman—yes, in every way. Overall, her outdoor look appealed to him; she could dress very simply without hiding her figure’s advantages. He imagined her wandering through the hills and wished to be her companion on such an adventure; there would be no need to worry about weakness, like when one walks with a typical woman. What bold conversations could arise during a twenty-mile trek! No uptightness with Rhoda Nunn; no giggling, no beating around the bush. Honestly, a guy could do a lot worse than have her as his partner for the entire journey of life.
Suppose he pushed his joke to the very point of asking her to marry him? Undoubtedly she would refuse; but how enjoyable to watch the proud vigour of her freedom asserting itself! Yet would not an offer of marriage be too commonplace? Rather propose to her to share his life in a free union, without sanction of forms which neither for her nor him were sanction at all. Was it too bold a thought?
Suppose he took his joke to the extreme and asked her to marry him? She would definitely say no; but wouldn’t it be fun to see her proudly embracing her freedom? But wouldn’t a marriage proposal be too ordinary? Instead, he should suggest they share their lives in a free union, without any formalities that meant nothing to either of them. Was that too daring of an idea?
Not if he really meant it. Uttered insincerely, such words would be insult; she would see through his pretence of earnestness, and then farewell to her for ever. But if his intellectual sympathy became tinged with passion—and did he discern no possibility of that? An odd thing were he to fall in love with Rhoda Nunn. Hitherto his ideal had been a widely different type of woman; he had demanded rare beauty of face, and the charm of a refined voluptuousness. To be sure, it was but an ideal; no woman that approached it had ever come within his sphere. The dream exercised less power over him than a few years ago; perhaps because his youth was behind him. Rhoda might well represent the desire of a mature man, strengthened by modern culture and with his senses fairly subordinate to reason. Heaven forbid that he should ever tie himself to the tame domestic female; and just as little could he seek for a mate among the women of society, the creatures all surface, with empty pates and vitiated blood. No marriage for him, in the common understanding of the word. He wanted neither offspring nor a “home”. Rhoda Nunn, if she thought of such things at all, probably desired a union which would permit her to remain an intellectual being; the kitchen, the cradle, and the work-basket had no power over her imagination. As likely as not, however, she was perfectly content with single life—even regarded it as essential to her purposes. In her face he read chastity; her eye avoided no scrutiny; her palm was cold.
Not if he really meant it. If he said those words insincerely, it would be an insult; she would see through his act of sincerity, and then it would be goodbye to her forever. But if his intellectual connection started to mix with passion—and didn’t he see any possibility of that? It would be strange if he fell in love with Rhoda Nunn. Up to now, his ideal had been a very different type of woman; he had looked for rare beauty in a face and the allure of refined sensuality. Of course, it was just an ideal; no woman who came close to it had ever been in his life. The dream had less hold over him than it did a few years ago, maybe because his youth was behind him. Rhoda might truly embody what a mature man desires, shaped by modern culture, with his senses mostly under control of reason. Heaven forbid that he would ever bind himself to a typical domestic woman; just as little could he look for a partner among society women, who were all about appearances, with empty minds and corrupted blood. No marriage for him, in the usual sense of the word. He wanted neither children nor a “home.” Rhoda Nunn, if she thought about these things at all, probably wanted a partnership that would allow her to stay an intellectual being; the kitchen, the nursery, and the work-basket had no hold on her imagination. Most likely, she was perfectly happy living alone—even considered it crucial to her goals. In her face, he saw purity; her eyes welcomed all scrutiny; her palm felt cool.
One does not break the heart of such a woman. Heartbreak is a very old-fashioned disorder, associated with poverty of brain. If Rhoda were what he thought her, she enjoyed this opportunity of studying a modern male, and cared not how far he proceeded in his own investigations, sure that at any moment she could bid him fall back. The amusement was only just beginning. And if for him it became earnest, why what did he seek but strong experiences?
One doesn’t break the heart of a woman like that. Heartbreak is an outdated issue, connected to a lack of intelligence. If Rhoda was who he thought she was, she was relishing the chance to observe a modern man and didn't mind how deep he went in his own exploration, confident that she could tell him to stop whenever she wanted. The fun was just starting. And if it turned serious for him, what was he really looking for but intense experiences?
Rhoda, in the meantime, had gone home. She shut herself in her bedroom, and remained there until the bell rang for dinner.
Rhoda, in the meantime, had gone home. She locked herself in her bedroom and stayed there until the dinner bell rang.
Miss Barfoot entered the dining-room just before her; they sat down in silence, and through the meal exchanged but a few sentences, relative to a topic of the hour which interested neither of them.
Miss Barfoot walked into the dining room just before her; they sat down in silence, and during the meal exchanged only a few sentences about a current topic that interested neither of them.
The elder woman had a very unhappy countenance; she looked worn out; her eyes never lifted themselves from the table.
The older woman had a really unhappy expression; she looked exhausted; her eyes never left the table.
Dinner over, Miss Barfoot went to the drawing-room alone. She had sat there about half an hour, brooding, unoccupied, when Rhoda came in and stood before her.
Dinner finished, Miss Barfoot went to the living room by herself. She had been sitting there for about half an hour, lost in thought and doing nothing, when Rhoda walked in and stood in front of her.
“I have been thinking it over. It isn’t right for me to remain here. Such an arrangement was only possible whilst we were on terms of perfect understanding.”
“I’ve been thinking about it. It’s not right for me to stay here. That kind of arrangement was only possible while we were perfectly in sync.”
“You must do what you think best, Rhoda,” the other replied gravely, but with no accent of displeasure.
“You should do what you think is best, Rhoda,” the other replied seriously, but with no hint of disapproval.
“Yes, I had better take a lodging somewhere. What I wish to know is, whether you can still employ me with any satisfaction?”
“Yes, I should find a place to stay. What I want to know is, can you still hire me in a way that would make you happy?”
“I don’t employ you. That is not the word to describe your relations with me. If we must use business language, you are simply my partner.”
“I don’t employ you. That’s not the right word to describe our relationship. If we have to use business terms, you’re simply my partner.”
“Only your kindness put me into that position. When you no longer regard me as a friend, I am only in your employment.”
“Only your kindness got me into that position. When you stop seeing me as a friend, I’m just an employee.”
“I haven’t ceased to regard you as a friend. The estrangement between us is entirely of your making.”
“I still see you as a friend. The distance between us is completely your fault.”
Seeing that Rhoda would not sit down, Miss Barfoot rose and stood by the fireplace.
Seeing that Rhoda wouldn't sit down, Miss Barfoot got up and stood by the fireplace.
“I can’t bear reproaches,” said the former; “least of all when they are irrational and undeserved.”
“I can’t stand being criticized,” said the former; “especially when it’s unreasonable and unwarranted.”
“If I reproached you, it was in a tone which should never have given you offence. One would think that I had rated you like a disobedient servant.”
“If I scolded you, it was in a way that should never have upset you. You’d think I had treated you like a disobedient servant.”
“If that had been possible,” answered Rhoda, with a faint smile, “I should never have been here. You said that you bitterly repented having given way to me on a certain occasion. That was unreasonable; in giving way, you declared yourself convinced. And the reproach I certainly didn’t deserve, for I had behaved conscientiously.”
“If that had been possible,” replied Rhoda, with a faint smile, “I wouldn’t be here. You mentioned that you deeply regretted conceding to me on one occasion. That was unfair; by conceding, you showed that you were convinced. And I definitely didn’t deserve the blame, because I acted with integrity.”
“Isn’t it allowed me to disapprove of what your conscience dictates?”
“Am I not allowed to disagree with what your conscience tells you?”
“Not when you have taken the same view, and acted upon it. I don’t lay claim to many virtues, and I haven’t that of meekness. I could never endure anger; my nature resents it.”
“Not when you have shared the same perspective and acted on it. I don’t claim to have many virtues, and I definitely don’t have the virtue of meekness. I could never tolerate anger; it goes against my nature.”
“I did wrong to speak angrily, but indeed I hardly knew what I was saying. I had suffered a terrible shock. I loved that poor girl; I loved her all the more for what I had seen of her since she came to implore my help. Your utter coldness—it seemed to me inhuman—I shrank from you. If your face had shown ever so little compassion—”
“I was wrong to speak in anger, but honestly, I barely knew what I was saying. I had gone through a huge shock. I loved that poor girl; I loved her even more for how she had come to ask for my help. Your complete lack of warmth— it felt inhuman to me— I backed away from you. If your face had shown even a hint of compassion—”
“I felt no compassion.”
“I felt no compassion.”
“No. You have hardened your heart with theory. Guard yourself, Rhoda! To work for women one must keep one’s womanhood. You are becoming—you are wandering as far from the true way—oh, much further than Bella did!”
“No. You’ve closed yourself off with all this theory. Watch out, Rhoda! To advocate for women, you have to stay true to your own womanhood. You’re straying—you’re wandering way off the right path—oh, much further than Bella did!”
“I can’t answer you. When we argued about our differences in a friendly spirit, all was permissible; now if I spoke my thought it would be mere harshness and cause of embitterment. I fear all is at an end between us. I should perpetually remind you of this sorrow.”
“I can't answer you. When we discussed our differences in a friendly way, everything was acceptable; but now, if I express my true feelings, it would just come off as harsh and would only create bitterness. I’m afraid everything is over between us. I would constantly be reminding you of this pain.”
There was a silence of some length. Rhoda turned away, and stood in reflection.
There was a prolonged silence. Rhoda turned away and stood lost in thought.
“Let us do nothing hastily,” said Miss Barfoot. “We have more to think of than our own feelings.”
“Let’s not rush into anything,” said Miss Barfoot. “We have more to consider than just our own feelings.”
“I have said that I am quite willing to go on with my work, but it must be on a different footing. The relation between us can no longer be that of equals. I am content to follow your directions. But your dislike of me will make this impossible.”
“I’ve mentioned that I’m totally ready to continue with my work, but it has to be under different terms. Our relationship can’t be equal anymore. I’m fine with taking your instructions. But your dislike for me will make that impossible.”
“Dislike? You misunderstand me wretchedly. I think rather it is you who dislike me, as a weak woman with no command of her emotions.”
“Dislike? You misunderstand me completely. I think it's actually you who dislike me, as a weak woman who can't control her emotions.”
Again they ceased from speech. Presently Miss Barfoot stepped forward.
Again they stopped talking. Soon, Miss Barfoot stepped forward.
“Rhoda, I shall be away all to-morrow; I may not return to London until Monday morning. Will you think quietly over it all? Believe me, I am not angry with you, and as for disliking you—what nonsense are we talking! But I can’t regret that I let you see how painfully your behaviour impressed me. That hardness is not natural to you. You have encouraged yourself in it, and you are warping a very noble character.”
“Rhoda, I’ll be gone all day tomorrow; I might not get back to London until Monday morning. Will you take some time to think about everything? Trust me, I’m not angry with you, and the idea that I dislike you—what nonsense is that! But I don’t regret showing you how much your behavior affected me. That hardness isn’t natural for you. You’ve allowed yourself to become that way, and you’re distorting a truly noble character.”
“I wish only to be honest. Where you felt compassion I felt indignation.”
“I just want to be honest. Where you felt compassion, I felt anger.”
“Yes; we have gone through all that. The indignation was a forced, exaggerated sentiment. You can’t see it in that light perhaps. But try to imagine for a moment that Bella had been your sister—”
“Yes; we’ve been through all that. The outrage was an artificial, exaggerated feeling. You might not see it that way, but try to picture for a second that Bella was your sister—”
“That is confusing the point at issue,” Rhoda exclaimed irritably. “Have I ever denied the force of such feelings? My grief would have blinded me to all larger considerations, of course. But she was happily not my sister, and I remained free to speak the simple truth about her case. It isn’t personal feeling that directs a great movement in civilization. If you were right, I also was right. You should have recognized the inevitable discord of our opinions at that moment.”
“That misses the point,” Rhoda said irritably. “Have I ever denied the impact of feelings like that? My grief would have made me overlook everything else, of course. But she was thankfully not my sister, and I was still able to speak the plain truth about her situation. It’s not personal feelings that drive a major movement in civilization. If you were right, then I was right too. You should have seen the unavoidable disagreement in our opinions at that moment.”
“It didn’t seem to me inevitable.”
“It didn’t seem inevitable to me.”
“I should have despised myself if I could have affected sympathy.”
“I would have hated myself if I could pretend to feel sympathy.”
“Affected—yes.”
“Impacted—yes.”
“Or have really felt it. That would have meant that I did not know myself. I should never again have dared to speak on any grave subject.”
“Or have really felt it. That would have meant that I didn’t know myself. I would never have dared to speak on any serious topic again.”
Miss Barfoot smiled sadly.
Miss Barfoot smiled sadly.
“How young you are! Oh, there is far more than ten years between our ages, Rhoda! In spirit you are a young girl, and I an old woman. No, no; we will not quarrel. Your companionship is far too precious to me, and I dare to think that mine is not without value for you. Wait till my grief has had its course; then I shall be more reasonable and do you more justice.”
“How young you are! Oh, there’s definitely more than ten years between us, Rhoda! In spirit, you’re a young girl, and I’m an old woman. No, no; we won’t argue. Your friendship means too much to me, and I’d like to think mine is valuable to you too. Just wait until I’ve processed my grief; then I’ll be more reasonable and treat you better.”
Rhoda turned towards the door, lingered, but without looking back, and so left the room.
Rhoda turned to the door, hesitated for a moment, but without looking back, she left the room.
Miss Barfoot was absent as she had announced, returning only in time for her duties in Great Portland Street on Monday morning. She and Rhoda then shook hands, but without a word of personal reference. They went through the day’s work as usual.
Miss Barfoot was away as she had said, returning just in time for her duties on Great Portland Street on Monday morning. She and Rhoda then shook hands, but without any personal comments. They went through the day’s work as usual.
This was the day of the month on which Miss Barfoot would deliver her four o’clock address. The subject had been announced a week ago: “Woman as an Invader.” An hour earlier than usual work was put aside, and seats were rapidly arranged for the small audience; it numbered only thirteen—the girls already on the premises and a few who came specially. All were aware of the tragedy in which Miss Barfoot had recently been concerned; her air of sadness, so great a contrast to that with which she was wont to address them, they naturally attributed to this cause.
This was the day when Miss Barfoot would give her four o'clock talk. The topic had been announced a week earlier: “Woman as an Invader.” An hour ahead of schedule, work was set aside, and chairs were quickly arranged for the small audience, which consisted of only thirteen people—mostly the girls already present and a few who had come especially for it. Everyone was aware of the difficult situation Miss Barfoot had recently faced; her noticeable sadness, which was such a contrast to her usual demeanor, was naturally thought to be related to this.
As always, she began in the simplest conversational tone. Not long since she had received an anonymous letter, written by some clerk out of employment, abusing her roundly for her encouragement of female competition in the clerkly world. The taste of this epistle was as bad as its grammar, but they should hear it; she read it all through. Now, whoever the writer might be, it seemed pretty clear that he was not the kind of person with whom one could profitably argue; no use in replying to him, even had he given the opportunity. For all that, his uncivil attack had a meaning, and there were plenty of people ready to urge his argument in more respectable terms. “They will tell you that, in entering the commercial world, you not only unsex yourselves, but do a grievous wrong to the numberless men struggling hard for bare sustenance. You reduce salaries, you press into an already overcrowded field, you injure even your own sex by making it impossible for men to marry, who, if they earned enough, would be supporting a wife.” To-day, continued Miss Barfoot, it was not her purpose to debate the economic aspects of the question. She would consider it from another point of view, repeating, perhaps, much that she had already said to them on other occasions, but doing so because these thoughts had just now very strong possession of her mind.
As always, she started in a straightforward conversational tone. Recently, she had gotten an anonymous letter, written by some unemployed clerk, harshly criticizing her for promoting female competition in the clerical field. The style of this letter was just as poor as its grammar, yet she felt they should hear it; she read it all aloud. Now, whoever the writer was, it seemed clear that he wasn’t someone who could be engaged in a productive argument; there was no point in responding to him, even if he had given her the chance. Still, his rude attack carried a message, and there were many people eager to present his argument in a more respectable way. “They will tell you that, by entering the business world, you not only lose your femininity, but also do a great disservice to the countless men struggling just to get by. You lower salaries, you overcrowd an already saturated field, and you even harm your own gender by making it impossible for men to marry, who, if they earned enough, would be able to support a wife.” Today, Miss Barfoot continued, she did not intend to discuss the economic aspects of the issue. She wanted to look at it from a different perspective, perhaps repeating much of what she had already shared with them on previous occasions, but she felt compelled to do so because these thoughts were currently occupying her mind intensely.
This abusive correspondent, who declared that he was supplanted by a young woman who did his work for smaller payment, doubtless had a grievance. But, in the miserable disorder of our social state, one grievance had to be weighed against another, and Miss Barfoot held that there was much more to be urged on behalf of women who invaded what had been exclusively the men’s sphere, than on behalf of the men who began to complain of this invasion.
This angry writer, who claimed he was replaced by a young woman who did his job for less money, clearly had a complaint. However, in the messed-up state of our society, one complaint had to be balanced against another, and Miss Barfoot believed there was a lot more to argue for women who entered what had been solely a man's domain than for the men who started complaining about this change.
“They point to half a dozen occupations which are deemed strictly suitable for women. Why don’t we confine ourselves to this ground? Why don’t I encourage girls to become governesses, hospital nurses, and so on? You think I ought to reply that already there are too many applicants for such places. It would be true, but I don’t care to make use of the argument, which at once involves us in a debate with the out-crowded clerk. No; to put the truth in a few words, I am not chiefly anxious that you should earn money, but that women in general shall become rational and responsible human beings.
“They point to half a dozen jobs that are considered perfectly suited for women. Why shouldn’t we stick to this idea? Why shouldn’t I encourage girls to become governesses, nurses, and so on? You might think I should say that there are already too many applicants for those positions. That would be true, but I don’t want to use that argument, which would only get us caught up in a debate with the overworked clerk. No; to put it simply, I’m not primarily concerned about you making money, but about women in general becoming rational and responsible individuals.
“Follow me carefully. A governess, a nurse, may be the most admirable of women. I will dissuade no one from following those careers who is distinctly fitted for them. But these are only a few out of the vast number of girls who must, if they are not to be despicable persons, somehow find serious work. Because I myself have had an education in clerkship, and have most capacity for such employment, I look about for girls of like mind, and do my best to prepare them for work in offices. And (here I must become emphatic once more) I am glad to have entered on this course. I am glad that I can show girls the way to a career which my opponents call unwomanly.
“Pay close attention. A governess or a nurse can be some of the most admirable women. I won’t discourage anyone from pursuing those careers if they are clearly suited for them. However, these are just a few among the many girls who must, if they don’t want to become despicable, find meaningful work. Since I’ve received training in clerical work and have the skills for it, I seek out girls who think similarly and do my best to prepare them for office jobs. And (I need to emphasize this again) I am glad to have chosen this path. I am glad that I can guide girls toward a career that my critics call unfeminine.”
“Now see why. Womanly and womanish are two very different words; but the latter, as the world uses it, has become practically synonymous with the former. A womanly occupation means, practically, an occupation that a man disdains. And here is the root of the matter. I repeat that I am not first of all anxious to keep you supplied with daily bread. I am a troublesome, aggressive, revolutionary person. I want to do away with that common confusion of the words womanly and womanish, and I see very clearly that this can only be effected by an armed movement, an invasion by women of the spheres which men have always forbidden us to enter. I am strenuously opposed to that view of us set forth in such charming language by Mr. Ruskin—for it tells on the side of those men who think and speak of us in a way the reverse of charming. Were we living in an ideal world, I think women would not go to sit all day in offices. But the fact is that we live in a world as far from ideal as can be conceived. We live in a time of warfare, of revolt. If woman is no longer to be womanish, but a human being of powers and responsibilities, she must become militant, defiant. She must push her claims to the extremity.
“Now see why. 'Womanly' and 'womanish' are two very different words; but the latter, as people use it today, has nearly become synonymous with the former. A womanly job means, essentially, a job that a man looks down on. And here’s the crux of the matter. I want to make it clear that I’m not primarily concerned with just providing you with daily bread. I’m a challenging, aggressive, revolutionary person. I want to eliminate that common mix-up between 'womanly' and 'womanish,' and I see very clearly that this can only happen through an active movement, a takeover by women of the areas that men have always kept us out of. I strongly oppose the view of us expressed in such lovely terms by Mr. Ruskin—because it reinforces how those men think and talk about us in ways that are far from lovely. If we were living in an ideal world, I believe women wouldn’t spend all day sitting in offices. But the truth is, we live in a world that’s as far from ideal as possible. We live in a time of conflict and rebellion. If women are no longer to be seen as womanish, but as human beings with powers and responsibilities, they must be militant and defiant. They must assert their claims to the fullest.
“An excellent governess, a perfect hospital nurse, do work which is invaluable; but for our cause of emancipation they are no good—nay, they are harmful. Men point to them, and say: Imitate these, keep to your proper world. Our proper world is the world of intelligence, of honest effort, of moral strength. The old types of womanly perfection are no longer helpful to us. Like the Church service, which to all but one person in a thousand has become meaningless gabble by dint of repetition, these types have lost their effect. They are no longer educational. We have to ask ourselves: What course of training will wake women up, make them conscious of their souls, startle them into healthy activity?”
“An excellent governess and a perfect hospital nurse do invaluable work; however, for our cause of liberation, they do more harm than good. Men point to them and say: Be like these women, stay in your place. Our place is in the realm of intelligence, honest effort, and moral strength. The old standards of feminine perfection are no longer useful to us. Just like church services that, for all but one in a thousand, have turned into meaningless chatter from being repeated so often, these standards have lost their impact. They no longer educate. We need to ask ourselves: What kind of training will awaken women, make them aware of their true selves, and motivate them into meaningful action?”
“It must be something new, something free from the reproach of womanliness. I don’t care whether we crowd out the men or not. I don’t care what results, if only women are made strong and self-reliant and nobly independent! The world must look to its concerns. Most likely we shall have a revolution in the social order greater than any that yet seems possible. Let it come, and let us help its coming. When I think of the contemptible wretchedness of women enslaved by custom, by their weakness, by their desires, I am ready to cry, Let the world perish in tumult rather than things go on in this way!”
“It has to be something new, something that doesn't carry the stigma of femininity. I don’t care if we push the men aside or not. I don’t care what the consequences are, as long as women become strong, self-sufficient, and truly independent! The world needs to pay attention to its issues. We’re likely on the brink of a social revolution bigger than anything that seems possible right now. Let it happen, and let’s aid its arrival. When I think about the pathetic misery of women trapped by traditions, by their weaknesses, by their desires, it makes me want to shout, Let the world fall apart in chaos before we allow things to continue like this!”
For a moment her voice failed. There were tears in her eyes. The hearers, most of them, understood what made her so passionate; they exchanged grave looks.
For a moment, she couldn't speak. Tears filled her eyes. Most of the listeners understood why she was so emotional; they exchanged serious looks.
“Our abusive correspondent shall do as best he can. He suffers for the folly of men in all ages. We can’t help it. It is very far from our wish to cause hardship to any one, but we ourselves are escaping from a hardship that has become intolerable. We are educating ourselves. There must be a new type of woman, active in every sphere of life: a new worker out in the world, a new ruler of the home. Of the old ideal virtues we can retain many, but we have to add to them those which have been thought appropriate only in men. Let a woman be gentle, but at the same time let her be strong; let her be pure of heart, but none the less wise and instructed. Because we have to set an example to the sleepy of our sex, we must carry on an active warfare—must be invaders. Whether woman is the equal of man I neither know nor care. We are not his equal in size, in weight, in muscle, and, for all I can say, we may have less power of brain. That has nothing to do with it. Enough for us to know that our natural growth has been stunted. The mass of women have always been paltry creatures, and their paltriness has proved a curse to men. So, if you like to put it in this way, we are working for the advantage of men as well as for our own. Let the responsibility for disorder rest on those who have made us despise our old selves. At any cost—at any cost—we will free ourselves from the heritage of weakness and contempt!”
“Our difficult correspondent will do the best he can. He suffers because of the foolishness of people throughout history. We can’t change that. It’s far from our intention to cause trouble for anyone, but we are trying to escape a situation that has become unbearable. We are bettering ourselves. There needs to be a new kind of woman, active in every area of life: a new worker in the world, a new leader at home. We can keep many of the old virtues, but we need to add those qualities that have only been considered suitable for men. A woman can be gentle, but she should also be strong; she can be pure of heart, but still wise and knowledgeable. Because we need to set an example for those of our sex who are still complacent, we must engage in a vigorous struggle—we must be pioneers. Whether women are equal to men, I’m not sure and don’t really care. We are not equal in size, weight, or strength, and for all I know, we might even be less intelligent. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that our natural development has been stifled. The majority of women have always been underestimated, and that undervaluation has harmed men as well. So, if you want to put it this way, we are fighting for the benefit of men as much as for ourselves. Let the blame for the chaos lie with those who have made us look down on our true selves. No matter what, we will free ourselves from the legacy of weakness and disdain!”
The assembly was longer than usual in dispersing. When all were gone, Miss Barfoot listened for a footstep in the other room. As she could detect no sound, she went to see if Rhoda was there or not.
The gathering took longer than usual to break up. Once everyone had left, Miss Barfoot listened for a sound from the other room. Not hearing anything, she went to check if Rhoda was there.
Yes; Rhoda was sitting in a thoughtful attitude. She looked up, smiled, and came a few paces forward.
Yes; Rhoda was sitting in a thoughtful position. She looked up, smiled, and walked a few steps forward.
“It was very good.”
“It was great.”
“I thought it would please you.”
“I thought you would like it.”
Miss Barfoot drew nearer, and added,—
Miss Barfoot moved closer and added,—
“It was addressed to you. It seemed to me that you had forgotten how I really thought about these things.”
“It was meant for you. It seemed like you forgot how I really feel about this stuff.”
“I have been ill-tempered,” Rhoda replied. “Obstinacy is one of my faults.”
“I've been in a bad mood,” Rhoda replied. “Stubbornness is one of my flaws.”
“It is.”
“Yeah, it is.”
Their eyes met.
Their gazes locked.
“I believe,” continued Rhoda, “that I ought to ask your pardon. Right or wrong, I behaved in an unmannerly way.”
“I believe,” continued Rhoda, “that I should ask for your forgiveness. Whether I was right or wrong, I acted in an inconsiderate manner.”
“Yes, I think you did.”
“Yeah, I think you did.”
Rhoda smiled, bending her head to the rebuke.
Rhoda smiled, lowering her head at the scolding.
“And there’s the last of it,” added Miss Barfoot. “Let us kiss and be friends.”
“And that’s it,” Miss Barfoot added. “Let’s kiss and be friends.”
CHAPTER XIV
MOTIVES MEETING
When Barfoot made his next evening call Rhoda did not appear. He sat for some time in pleasant talk with his cousin, no reference whatever being made to Miss Nunn; then at length, beginning to fear that he would not see her, he inquired after her health. Miss Nunn was very well, answered the hostess, smiling.
When Barfoot made his next evening visit, Rhoda didn't show up. He chatted pleasantly with his cousin for a while, not mentioning Miss Nunn at all; then finally, starting to worry that he wouldn’t see her, he asked about her health. "Miss Nunn is doing very well,” replied the hostess with a smile.
“Not at home this evening?”
“Not home tonight?”
“Busy with some kind of study, I think.”
“Busy with some kind of studying, I think.”
Plainly, the difference between these women had come to a happy end, as Barfoot foresaw that it would. He thought it better to make no mention of his meeting with Rhoda in the gardens.
Plainly, the difference between these women had come to a happy end, as Barfoot had predicted it would. He thought it best not to mention his meeting with Rhoda in the gardens.
“That was a very unpleasant affair that I saw your name connected with last week,” he said presently.
"That was a really unpleasant situation I saw your name linked to last week," he said after a moment.
“It made me very miserable—ill indeed for a day or two.”
“It made me really unhappy—sick for a day or two.”
“That was why you couldn’t see me?”
“That’s why you couldn’t see me?”
“Yes.”
“Yeah.”
“But in your reply to my note you made no mention of the circumstances.”
“But in your response to my note, you didn’t mention the details of the situation.”
Miss Barfoot kept silence; frowning slightly, she looked at the fire near which they were both sitting, for the weather had become very cold.
Miss Barfoot stayed quiet; frowning a bit, she gazed at the fire they were both sitting by, since the weather had turned quite cold.
“No doubt,” pursued Everard, glancing at her, “you refrained out of delicacy—on my account, I mean.”
“No doubt,” Everard continued, looking at her, “you held back out of consideration—on my behalf, I mean.”
“Need we talk of it?”
"Do we need to discuss it?"
“For a moment, please. You are very friendly with me nowadays, but I suppose your estimate of my character remains very much the same as years ago?”
“For a moment, please. You're really friendly with me these days, but I assume your opinion of my character is still pretty much the same as it was years ago?”
“What is the use of such questions?”
“What’s the point of asking questions like that?”
“I ask for a distinct purpose. You can’t regard me with any respect?”
“I have a specific reason for asking. You can't look at me with any respect?”
“To tell you the truth, Everard, I know nothing about you. I have no wish to revive disagreeable memories, and I think it quite possible that you may be worthy of respect.”
“To be honest, Everard, I don't know anything about you. I don't want to bring up unpleasant memories, and I think it's very possible that you deserve respect.”
“So far so good. Now, in justice, please answer me another question. How have you spoken of me to Miss Nunn?”
“So far so good. Now, in fairness, please answer me another question. How have you talked about me to Miss Nunn?”
“How can it matter?”
"Why does it matter?"
“It matters a good deal. Have you told her any scandal about me?”
“It really matters. Have you said anything scandalous about me to her?”
“Yes, I have.”
“Yep, I have.”
Everard looked at her with surprise.
Everard stared at her in shock.
“I spoke to Miss Nunn about you,” she continued, “before I thought of your coming here. Frankly, I used you as an illustration of the evils I abominate.”
“I talked to Miss Nunn about you,” she continued, “before I thought of you coming here. Honestly, I used you as an example of the things I can't stand.”
“You are a courageous and plain-spoken woman, cousin Mary,” said Everard, laughing a little. “Couldn’t you have found some other example?”
“You're a brave and straightforward woman, cousin Mary,” Everard said, laughing a bit. “Couldn’t you have chosen a different example?”
There was no reply.
No response was received.
“So,” he proceeded, “Miss Nunn regards me as a proved scoundrel?”
“So,” he continued, “Miss Nunn thinks of me as a confirmed scoundrel?”
“I never told her the story. I made known the general grounds of my dissatisfaction with you, that was all.”
“I never shared the story with her. I simply explained the basic reasons for my dissatisfaction with you, and that was it.”
“Come, that’s something. I’m glad you didn’t amuse her with that unedifying bit of fiction.”
“Come on, that’s something. I’m glad you didn’t entertain her with that boring made-up story.”
“Fiction?”
"Fiction?"
“Yes, fiction,” said Everard bluntly. “I am not going into details; the thing’s over and done with, and I chose my course at the time. But it’s as well to let you know that my behaviour was grossly misrepresented. In using me to point a moral you were grievously astray. I shall say no more. If you can believe me, do; if you can’t, dismiss the matter from your mind.”
“Yes, fiction,” Everard said bluntly. “I’m not going to elaborate; it’s all in the past, and I made my choice back then. But I should let you know that my actions were seriously misrepresented. Using me to illustrate a point was a huge mistake. I won’t say anything else. If you can believe me, great; if not, forget about it.”
There followed a silence of some moments. Then, with a perfectly calm manner, Miss Barfoot began to speak of a new subject. Everard followed her lead. He did not stay much longer, and on leaving asked to be remembered to Miss Nunn.
There was a pause for a few moments. Then, in a completely composed way, Miss Barfoot started discussing a different topic. Everard went along with her. He didn’t stay much longer, and when he left, he asked to be remembered to Miss Nunn.
A week later he again found his cousin alone. He now felt sure that Miss Nunn was keeping out of his way. Her parting from him in the gardens had been decidedly abrupt, and possibly it signified more serious offence than at the time he attributed to her. It was so difficult to be sure of anything in regard to Miss Nunn. If another woman had acted thus he would have judged it coquetry. But perhaps Rhoda was quite incapable of anything of that kind. Perhaps she took herself so very seriously that the mere suspicion of banter in his talk had moved her to grave resentment. Or again, she might be half ashamed to meet him after confessing her disagreement with Miss Barfoot; on recovery from ill-temper (unmistakable ill-temper it was), she had seen her behaviour in an embarrassing light. Between these various conjectures he wavered whilst talking with Mary. But he did not so much as mention Miss Nunn’s name.
A week later, he found his cousin alone again. He was now pretty sure that Miss Nunn was avoiding him. Their parting in the gardens had been quite abrupt, and it possibly signified a more serious offense than he had originally thought. It was so hard to be certain about anything regarding Miss Nunn. If another woman had acted this way, he would have assumed it was flirtation. But maybe Rhoda was incapable of that kind of thing. Perhaps she took herself so seriously that just a hint of teasing in his conversation had made her genuinely upset. Or maybe she felt a bit embarrassed to face him after admitting her disagreement with Miss Barfoot; once she recovered from her unmistakable bad mood, she might have seen her behavior in an awkward light. He wavered between these various thoughts while talking with Mary. But he didn’t even mention Miss Nunn's name.
Some ten days went by, and he paid a call at the hour sanctioned by society, five in the afternoon; it being Saturday. One of his reasons for coming at this time was the hope that he might meet other callers, for he felt curious to see what sort of people visited the house. And this wish was gratified. On entering the drawing-room, whither he was led by the servant straightway, after the manner of the world, he found not only his cousin and her friend, but two strangers, ladies. A glance informed him that both of these were young and good-looking, one being a type that particularly pleased him—dark, pale, with very bright eyes.
About ten days passed, and he visited at the socially acceptable time of five in the afternoon, on a Saturday. One of his reasons for arriving at this hour was his hope of encountering other visitors, as he was curious about the type of people who frequented the house. His wish was fulfilled. Upon entering the drawing room, which the servant led him to right away, as was customary, he found not only his cousin and her friend but also two unfamiliar ladies. A quick look revealed that both were young and attractive, one being a type he particularly liked—dark, pale, with very bright eyes.
Miss Barfoot received him as any hostess would have done. She was her cheerful self once more, and in a moment introduced him to the lady with whom she had been talking—the dark one, by name Mrs. Widdowson. Rhoda Nunn, sitting apart with the second lady, gave him her hand, but at once resumed her conversation.
Miss Barfoot greeted him like any good host would. She was her usual cheerful self again and soon introduced him to the woman she had been talking to—the dark-haired one, Mrs. Widdowson. Rhoda Nunn, sitting separately with the other lady, shook his hand but quickly went back to her conversation.
With Mrs. Widdowson he was soon chatting in his easy and graceful way, Miss Barfoot putting in a word now and then. He saw that she had not long been married; a pleasant diffidence and the maidenly glance of her bright eyes indicated this. She was dressed very prettily, and seemed aware of it.
With Mrs. Widdowson, he quickly fell into a smooth and relaxed conversation, while Miss Barfoot chimed in occasionally. He noticed that she hadn’t been married for long; a charming shyness and the youthful sparkle in her bright eyes suggested this. She was dressed beautifully and seemed aware of it.
“We went to hear the new opera at the Savoy last night,” she said to Miss Barfoot, with a smile of remembered enjoyment.
“We went to hear the new opera at the Savoy last night,” she said to Miss Barfoot, with a smile of happy memory.
“Did you? Miss Nunn and I were there.”
“Did you? Miss Nunn and I were there.”
Everard gazed at his cousin with humorous incredulity.
Everard looked at his cousin with a mix of humor and disbelief.
“Is it possible?” he exclaimed. “You were at the Savoy?”
“Is it really possible?” he exclaimed. “You were at the Savoy?”
“Where is the impossibility? Why shouldn’t Miss Nunn and I go to the theatre?”
“Where's the impossible part? Why shouldn't Miss Nunn and I go to the theater?”
“I appeal to Mrs. Widdowson. She also was astonished.”
“I call upon Mrs. Widdowson. She was just as surprised.”
“Yes, indeed I was, Miss Barfoot!” exclaimed the younger lady, with a merry little laugh. “I hesitated before speaking of such a frivolous entertainment.”
“Yes, I really was, Miss Barfoot!” the younger lady exclaimed with a cheerful little laugh. “I wasn't sure about mentioning such a silly activity.”
Lowering her voice, and casting a smile in Rhoda’s direction, Miss Barfoot replied,—
Lowering her voice and smiling at Rhoda, Miss Barfoot replied,—
“I have to make a concession occasionally on Miss Nunn’s account. It would be unkind never to allow her a little recreation.”
“I have to occasionally make a compromise for Miss Nunn’s sake. It wouldn't be fair to never give her a bit of leisure.”
The two at a distance were talking earnestly, with grave countenances. In a few moments they rose, and the visitor came towards Miss Barfoot to take her leave. Thereupon Everard crossed to Miss Nunn.
The two of them were talking seriously from a distance, with serious faces. A few moments later, they stood up, and the visitor walked over to Miss Barfoot to say goodbye. Then Everard went over to Miss Nunn.
“Is there anything very good in the new Gilbert and Sullivan opera?” he asked.
“Is there anything really good in the new Gilbert and Sullivan opera?” he asked.
“Many good things. You really haven’t been yet?”
“Lots of great things. You honestly haven’t been yet?”
“No—I’m ashamed to say.”
“No—I’m embarrassed to say.”
“Do go this evening, if you can get a seat. Which part of the theatre do you prefer?”
“Please go this evening if you can get a seat. Which part of the theater do you prefer?”
His eye rested on her, but he could detect no irony.
His gaze was on her, but he sensed no sarcasm.
“I’m a poor man, you know. I have to be content with the cheap places. Which do you like best, the Savoy operas or the burlesques at the Gaiety?”
“I’m a poor guy, you know. I have to be okay with the cheap spots. Which do you prefer, the Savoy operas or the burlesques at the Gaiety?”
A few more such questions and answers, of laboured commonplace or strained flippancy, and Everard, after searching his companion’s face, broke off with a laugh.
A few more questions and answers that were either forced clichés or awkward jokes, and Everard, after studying his companion’s expression, laughed and stopped.
“There now,” he said, “we have talked in the approved five o’clock way. Precisely the dialogue I heard in a drawing-room yesterday. It goes on day after day, year after year, through the whole of people’s lives.”
“There now,” he said, “we’ve chatted in the typical five o’clock style. Just like the conversation I heard in a lounge yesterday. It continues on day after day, year after year, throughout people's lives.”
“You are on friendly terms with such people?”
"You get along well with those people?"
“I am on friendly terms with people of every kind.” He added, in an undertone, “I hope I may include you, Miss Nunn?”
“I get along with all kinds of people.” He added quietly, “I hope I can count you among them, Miss Nunn?”
But to this she paid no attention. She was looking at Monica and Miss Barfoot, who had just risen from their seats. They approached, and presently Barfoot found himself alone with the familiar pair.
But she ignored that. She was focused on Monica and Miss Barfoot, who had just gotten up from their seats. They came over, and soon Barfoot found himself alone with the familiar duo.
“Another cup of tea, Everard?” asked his cousin.
“Another cup of tea, Everard?” his cousin asked.
“Thank you. Who was the young lady you didn’t introduce me to?”
“Thanks. Who was the young woman you didn’t introduce me to?”
“Miss Haven—one of our pupils.”
“Miss Haven—one of our students.”
“Does she think of going into business?”
“Does she consider starting a business?”
“She has just got a place in the publishing department of a weekly paper.”
"She just got a job in the publishing department of a weekly newspaper."
“But really—from the few words of her talk that fell upon my ear I should have thought her a highly educated girl.”
“But honestly—from the few words of her conversation I heard, I would have thought she was a very well-educated girl.”
“So she is,” replied Miss Barfoot. “What is your objection?”
“So she is,” Miss Barfoot replied. “What’s your issue with that?”
“Why doesn’t she aim at some better position?”
“Why doesn’t she go for a better position?”
Miss Barfoot and Rhoda exchanged smiles.
Miss Barfoot and Rhoda exchanged smiles.
“But nothing could be better for her. Some day she hopes to start a paper of her own, and to learn all the details of such business is just what she wants. Oh, you are still very conventional, Everard. You meant she ought to take up something graceful and pretty—something ladylike.”
“But nothing could be better for her. One day she hopes to start her own paper, and learning all the ins and outs of the business is exactly what she wants. Oh, you’re still so traditional, Everard. You thought she should pursue something elegant and attractive—something more ladylike.”
“No, no. It’s all right. I thoroughly approve. And when Miss Haven starts her paper, Miss Nunn will write for it.”
“No, no. It’s fine. I completely approve. And when Miss Haven starts her paper, Miss Nunn will write for it.”
“I hope so,” assented his cousin.
"I hope so," agreed his cousin.
“You make me feel that I am in touch with the great movements of our time. It’s delightful to know you. But come now, isn’t there any way in which I could help?”
“You make me feel connected to the major movements of our time. It’s amazing to know you. But seriously, is there any way I could help?”
Mary laughed.
Mary chuckled.
“None whatever, I’m afraid.”
“None at all, I’m afraid.”
“Well,—“They also serve who only stand and wait.””
“Well,—“They also serve who only stand and wait.””
If Everard had pleased himself he would have visited the house in Queen’s Road every other day. As this might not be, he spent a good deal of his time in other society, not caring to read much, or otherwise occupy his solitude. Starting with one or two acquaintances in London, people of means and position, he easily extended his social sphere. Had he cared to marry, he might, notwithstanding his poverty, have wooed with fair chance in a certain wealthy family, where two daughters, the sole children, plain but well-instructed girls, waited for the men of brains who should appreciate them. So rare in society, these men of brains, and, alas! so frequently deserted by their wisdom when it comes to choosing a wife. It being his principle to reflect on every possibility, Barfoot of course asked himself whether it would not be reasonable to approach one or other of these young women—the Miss Brissendens. He needed a larger income; he wanted to travel in a more satisfactory way than during his late absence. Agnes Brissenden struck him as a very calm and sensible girl; not at all likely to marry any one but the man who would be a suitable companion for her, and probably disposed to look on marriage as a permanent friendship, which must not be endangered by feminine follies. She had no beauty, but mental powers above the average—superior, certainly, to her sister’s.
If Everard had followed his own desires, he would have visited the house on Queen’s Road every other day. Since that wasn't possible, he spent a lot of his time in other social circles, not particularly interested in reading much or otherwise occupying his alone time. Starting with one or two acquaintances in London, people with money and status, he quickly expanded his social network. If he had been interested in marrying, despite his lack of money, he could have pursued a good chance with a certain wealthy family that had two daughters, the only children, plain but well-educated girls, who were waiting for the smart men who would appreciate them. These men of intellect were so rare in society, and, unfortunately, often lacked judgment when it came to choosing a wife. It was in line with his principle to consider every possibility, so Barfoot naturally wondered if it would make sense to approach one of these young women—the Miss Brissendens. He needed a higher income; he wanted to travel in a more fulfilling way than he had during his recent absence. Agnes Brissenden seemed to him to be a very calm and sensible girl; she was unlikely to marry anyone but a person who would be a suitable partner for her, likely viewing marriage as a lasting friendship that shouldn't be threatened by feminine whims. She wasn't beautiful, but her mental abilities were above average—definitely superior to her sister’s.
It was worth thinking about, but in the meantime he wanted to see much more of Rhoda Nunn. Rhoda he was beginning to class with women who are attractive both physically and mentally. Strange how her face had altered to his perception since the first meeting. He smiled now when he beheld it—smiled as a man does when his senses are pleasantly affected. He was getting to know it so well, to be prepared for its constant changes, to watch for certain movements of brows or lips when he had said certain things. That forcible holding of her hand had marked a stage in progressive appreciation; since then he felt a desire to repeat the experiment.
It was worth considering, but in the meantime, he wanted to spend much more time with Rhoda Nunn. He was starting to see her as one of those women who are attractive both physically and mentally. It was strange how his view of her face had changed since their first meeting. He smiled now when he looked at it—smiled like someone whose senses are pleasantly stirred. He was getting to know it so well, ready for its constant changes, and he would notice certain expressions in her brows or lips when he said specific things. That firm grip on her hand had marked a stage in his growing appreciation; since then, he felt a desire to try it again.
“Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows, Imprison her soft hand, and let her rave—”
“Or if your girlfriend shows some serious anger, grab her soft hand and let her vent—”
The lines occurred to his memory, and he understood them better than heretofore. It would delight him to enrage Rhoda, and then to detain her by strength, to overcome her senses, to watch her long lashes droop over the eloquent eyes. But this was something very like being in love, and he by no means wished to be seriously in love with Miss Nunn.
The lines came to his mind, and he understood them better than before. It thrilled him to annoy Rhoda, and then to hold her back with strength, to overwhelm her senses, to see her long lashes droop over her expressive eyes. But this felt a lot like being in love, and he definitely didn’t want to actually fall in love with Miss Nunn.
It was another three weeks before he had an opportunity of private talk with her. Trying a Sunday afternoon, about four, he found Rhoda alone in the drawing-room; Miss Barfoot was out of town. Rhoda’s greeting had a frank friendliness which she had not bestowed upon him for a long time; not, indeed, since they met on her return from Cheddar. She looked very well, readily laughed, and seemed altogether in a coming-on disposition. Barfoot noticed that the piano was open.
It was another three weeks before he had the chance to talk to her privately. On a Sunday afternoon, around four o'clock, he found Rhoda alone in the living room; Miss Barfoot was out of town. Rhoda greeted him with a warm friendliness that she hadn’t shown him in a long time—not since they met when she returned from Cheddar. She looked great, laughed easily, and seemed to be in a good mood overall. Barfoot noticed that the piano was open.
“Do you play?” he inquired. “Strange that I should still have to ask the question.”
“Do you play?” he asked. “It’s odd that I still have to ask that.”
“Oh, only a hymn on Sunday,” she answered off-hand.
“Oh, just a hymn on Sunday,” she replied casually.
“A hymn?”
"A song?"
“Why not? I like some of the old tunes very much. They remind me of the golden age.”
“Why not? I really like some of the old songs. They remind me of the good old days.”
“In your own life, you mean?”
“In your own life, you mean?”
She nodded.
She agreed.
“You have once or twice spoken of that time as if you were not quite happy in the present.”
“You’ve talked about that time once or twice like you’re not entirely happy right now.”
“Of course I am not quite happy. What woman is? I mean, what woman above the level of a petted pussy-cat?”
“Of course I’m not completely happy. What woman is? I mean, what woman beyond the level of a spoiled cat?”
Everard was leaning towards her on the head of the couch where he sat. He gazed into her face fixedly.
Everard was leaning toward her on the head of the couch where he sat. He stared into her face intently.
“I wish it were in my power to remove some of your discontents. I would, more gladly than I can tell you.”
“I wish I could help with some of your troubles. I would do it more gladly than I can express.”
“You abound in good nature, Mr. Barfoot,” she replied laughing. “But unfortunately you can’t change the world.”
“You're full of good intentions, Mr. Barfoot,” she responded with a laugh. “But sadly, you can’t change the world.”
“Not the world at large. But might I not change your views of it—in some respects?”
“Not the world as a whole. But can I change the way you see it—in some ways?”
“Indeed I don’t see how you could. I think I had rather have my own view than any you might wish to substitute for it.”
“Honestly, I don’t see how you could. I’d prefer to have my own perspective than any you might want to replace it with.”
In this humour she seemed more than ever a challenge to his manhood. She was armed at all points. She feared nothing that he might say. No flush of apprehension; no nervous tremor; no weak self-consciousness. Yet he saw her as a woman, and desirable.
In this humor, she seemed more than ever a challenge to his masculinity. She was prepared for everything. She wasn't afraid of anything he might say. There was no sign of worry; no nervousness; no weak self-awareness. Yet he saw her as a woman, and attractive.
“My views are not ignoble,” he murmured.
“My views aren’t dishonorable,” he murmured.
“I hope not. But they are the views of a man.”
“I hope not. But that’s just one guy’s opinion.”
“Man and woman ought to see life with much the same eyes.”
“Men and women should see life with pretty much the same perspective.”
“Ought they? Perhaps so. I am not sure. But they never will in our time.”
“Ought they? Maybe. I'm not sure. But they definitely won't in our time.”
“Individuals may. The man and woman who have thrown away prejudice and superstition. You and I, for instance.”
“People can. The man and woman who have discarded prejudice and superstition. You and I, for example.”
“Oh, those words have such different meanings. In your judgment I should seem full of idle prejudice.”
“Oh, those words mean such different things. By your standards, I must come across as full of pointless bias.”
She liked this conversation; he read pleasure in her face, saw in her eyes a glint of merry defiance. And his pulses throbbed the quicker for it.
She enjoyed this conversation; he could see the pleasure on her face and a spark of cheerful defiance in her eyes. It made his heart race faster.
“You have a prejudice against me, for instance.”
“You have a bias against me, for example.”
“Pray, did you go to the Savoy?” inquired Rhoda absently.
“Hey, did you go to the Savoy?” Rhoda asked absentmindedly.
“I have no intention of talking about the Savoy, Miss Nunn. It is teacup time, but as yet we have the room to ourselves.”
“I don't plan on discussing the Savoy, Miss Nunn. It's tea time, but for now, we have the room to ourselves.”
Rhoda went and rang the bell.
Rhoda went and pressed the doorbell.
“The teacups shall come at once.”
“The teacups will be here soon.”
He laughed slightly, and looked at her from beneath drooping lids. Rhoda went on with talk of trifles, until the tea was brought and she had given a cup. Having emptied it at two draughts, he resumed his former leaning position.
He let out a slight laugh and looked at her from under his heavy eyelids. Rhoda continued chatting about small things until the tea was served and she had handed him a cup. After drinking it in two large gulps, he returned to his previous relaxed position.
“Well, you were saying that you had a prejudice against me. Of course my cousin Mary is accountable for that. Mary has used me rather ill. Before ever you saw me, I represented to your mind something very disagreeable indeed. That was too bad of my cousin.”
“Well, you were saying that you had a bias against me. Of course, my cousin Mary is to blame for that. Mary has treated me quite poorly. Before you ever met me, I must have seemed very unpleasant to you. That’s really unfair to me, thanks to my cousin.”
Rhoda, sipping her tea, had a cold, uninterested expression.
Rhoda, sipping her tea, had a cool, detached look on her face.
“I didn’t know of this,” he proceeded, “when we met that day in the gardens, and when I made you so angry.”
“I didn’t know about this,” he continued, “when we met that day in the gardens, and when I made you so furious.”
“I wasn’t disposed to jest about what had happened.”
“I wasn't in the mood to joke about what had happened.”
“But neither was I. You quite misunderstood me. Will you tell me how that unpleasantness came to an end?”
“But I wasn’t either. You completely misunderstood me. Can you tell me how that situation got resolved?”
“Oh yes. I admitted that I had been ill-mannered and obstinate.”
“Oh yes. I admitted that I had been rude and stubborn.”
“How delightful! Obstinate? I have a great deal of that in my character. All the active part of my life was one long fit of obstinacy. As a lad I determined on a certain career, and I stuck to it in spite of conscious unfitness, in spite of a great deal of suffering, out of sheer obstinacy. I wonder whether Mary ever told you that.”
“How wonderful! Stubborn? I have a lot of that in my personality. The active part of my life was just one long stretch of stubbornness. As a kid, I decided on a certain career, and I stuck with it despite knowing I wasn't really suited for it, despite a lot of pain, just out of sheer stubbornness. I wonder if Mary ever mentioned that to you.”
“She mentioned something of the kind once.”
“She mentioned something like that once.”
“You could hardly believe it, I dare say? I am a far more reasonable being now. I have changed in so many respects that I hardly know my old self when I look back on it. Above all, in my thoughts about women. If I had married during my twenties I should have chosen, as the average man does, some simpleton—with unpleasant results. If I marry now, it will be a woman of character and brains. Marry in the legal sense I never shall. My companion must be as independent of forms as I am myself.”
“You can hardly believe it, right? I'm a much more reasonable person now. I've changed in so many ways that I hardly recognize my old self when I think about it. Most importantly, it's my views on women. If I had gotten married in my twenties, I would have likely chosen, like most guys do, someone naive— and it would have ended badly. If I marry now, it will be a woman with character and intelligence. Legally marrying? That’s not going to happen. My partner needs to be as independent of conventions as I am.”
Rhoda looked into her teacup for a second or two, then said with a smile,—
Rhoda glanced into her teacup for a moment, then said with a smile,—
“You also are a reformer?”
"Are you a reformer too?"
“In that direction.”
"Over there."
He had difficulty in suppressing signs of nervousness. The bold declaration had come without forethought, and Rhoda’s calm acceptance of it delighted him.
He struggled to hide his nervousness. The bold statement had come without thinking, and Rhoda’s calm acceptance of it thrilled him.
“Questions of marriage,” she went on to say, “don’t interest me much; but this particular reform doesn’t seem very practical. It is trying to bring about an ideal state of things whilst we are yet struggling with elementary obstacles.”
“Questions about marriage,” she continued, “don’t really interest me that much; but this specific reform doesn’t seem very practical. It’s trying to create an ideal situation while we’re still dealing with basic problems.”
“I don’t advocate this liberty for all mankind. Only for those who are worthy of it.”
“I don’t support this freedom for everyone. Only for those who deserve it.”
“And what”—she laughed a little—“are the sure signs of worthiness? I think it would be very needful to know them.”
“And what”—she laughed a bit—“are the sure signs of worthiness? I think it would be really helpful to know them.”
Everard kept a grave face.
Everard maintained a serious expression.
“True. But a free union presupposes equality of position. No honest man would propose it, for instance, to a woman incapable of understanding all it involved, or incapable of resuming her separate life if that became desirable. I admit all the difficulties. One must consider those of feeling, as well as the material. If my wife should declare that she must be released, I might suffer grievously, but being a man of some intelligence, I should admit that the suffering couldn’t be helped; the brutality of enforced marriage doesn’t seem to me an alternative worth considering. It wouldn’t seem so to any woman of the kind I mean.”
“True. But a free relationship assumes equality between partners. No honest person would suggest it, for example, to a woman who can't fully grasp everything it entails or who wouldn't be able to return to her own life if needed. I acknowledge all the challenges. We need to consider emotional aspects as well as the practical ones. If my wife said she wanted to end our marriage, I might feel deeply hurt, but as someone with some intelligence, I would have to accept that the pain was unavoidable; the harshness of being stuck in a marriage against one's will isn’t an option I would find worth considering. It wouldn't seem that way to any woman of the type I'm referring to.”
Would she have the courage to urge one grave difficulty that he left aside? No. He fancied her about to speak, but she ended by offering him another cup of tea.
Would she have the guts to bring up a serious issue he had ignored? No. He thought she was going to say something, but instead, she just offered him another cup of tea.
“After all, that is not your ideal?” he said.
“After all, that’s not your ideal?” he said.
“I haven’t to do with the subject at all,” Rhoda answered, with perhaps a trace of impatience. “My work and thought are for the women who do not marry—the “odd women” I call them. They alone interest me. One mustn’t undertake too much.”
“I don’t have anything to do with that subject,” Rhoda replied, possibly showing a hint of impatience. “My work and thoughts are focused on women who don’t marry—the ‘odd women’ as I refer to them. They’re the only ones I’m interested in. You shouldn’t take on too much.”
“And you resolutely class yourself with them?”
“And you seriously consider yourself one of them?”
“Of course I do.”
"Of course I do."
“And therefore you have certain views of life which I should like to change. You are doing good work, but I had rather see any other woman in the world devote her life to it. I am selfish enough to wish—”
“And so you have certain views on life that I would like to change. You’re doing good work, but I would rather see any other woman in the world dedicate her life to it. I’m selfish enough to wish—”
The door opened, and the servant announced,—
The door opened, and the servant announced,—
“Mr. and Mrs. Widdowson.”
"Mr. and Mrs. Widdowson."
With perfect self-command Miss Nunn rose and stepped forward. Barfoot, rising more slowly, looked with curiosity at the husband of the pretty, black-browed woman whom he had already met. Widdowson surprised and amused him. How had this stiff, stern fellow with the grizzled beard won such a wife? Not that Mrs. Widdowson seemed a remarkable person, but certainly it was an ill-assorted union.
With complete self-control, Miss Nunn stood up and walked over. Barfoot, standing up more slowly, looked with curiosity at the husband of the attractive woman with dark brows whom he had already met. Widdowson surprised and amused him. How had this rigid, serious guy with the gray beard ended up with such a wife? Not that Mrs. Widdowson appeared to be extraordinary, but it was definitely an odd match.
She came and shook hands. As he spoke a few natural words, Everard chanced to notice that the husband’s eye was upon him, and with what a look! If ever a man declared in his countenance the worst species of jealous temper, Mr. Widdowson did so. His fixed smile became sardonic.
She approached and shook hands. While he exchanged a few casual remarks, Everard happened to notice that the husband was watching him, and with what a look! If any man ever showed the worst kind of jealousy through his expression, it was Mr. Widdowson. His constant smile turned into a smirk.
Presently Barfoot and he were introduced. They had nothing to say to each other, but Everard maintained a brief conversation just to observe the man. Turning at length, he began to talk with Mrs. Widdowson, and, because he was conscious of the jealous eye, assumed an especial sprightliness, an air of familiar pleasantry, to which the lady responded, but with a nervous hesitation.
Currently, Barfoot and he were introduced. They didn't have much to say to one another, but Everard kept up a short conversation just to observe the man. After a while, he started chatting with Mrs. Widdowson and, aware of the jealous gaze, took on a special liveliness and a casual friendliness, which the lady responded to, albeit with a nervous hesitation.
The arrival of these people was an intense annoyance to him. Another quarter of an hour and things would have come to an exciting pass between Rhoda and himself; he would have heard how she received a declaration of love. Rhoda’s self-possession notwithstanding, he believed that he was not without power over her. She liked to talk with him, enjoyed the freedom he allowed himself in choice of subject. Perhaps no man before had ever shown an appreciation of her qualities as woman. But she would not yield, was in no real danger from his love-making. Nay, the danger was to his own peace. He felt that resistance would intensify the ardour of his wooing, and possibly end by making him a victim of genuine passion. Well, let her enjoy that triumph, if she were capable of winning it.
The arrival of these people really annoyed him. If they had just been gone for another fifteen minutes, things would have escalated excitingly between Rhoda and him; he would have learned how she responded to a love confession. Despite Rhoda’s calmness, he believed he had some influence over her. She liked talking to him and appreciated the freedom he took in choosing topics. Maybe no other man had ever recognized her qualities as a woman like he did. But she wouldn’t give in and wasn’t actually at risk from his flirting. No, the real risk was to his own peace of mind. He sensed that her resistance would only make his pursuit more intense, potentially leading him to feel real passion. Well, let her enjoy that victory if she was capable of getting it.
He had made up his mind to outstay the Widdowsons, who clearly would not make a long call. But the fates were against him. Another visitor arrived, a lady named Cosgrove, who settled herself as if for at least an hour. Worse than that, he heard her say to Rhoda,—
He had decided to stick around longer than the Widdowsons, who obviously wouldn’t be staying for long. But luck wasn’t on his side. Another guest arrived, a woman named Cosgrove, who made herself comfortable as if she planned to stay for at least an hour. To make matters worse, he heard her say to Rhoda,—
“Oh, then do come and dine with us. Do, I beg!”
“Oh, please come and have dinner with us. I really hope you do!”
“I will, with pleasure,” was Miss Nunn’s reply. “Can you wait and take me with you?”
“I would love to,” Miss Nunn replied. “Can you wait and take me with you?”
Useless to stay longer. As soon as the Widdowsons had departed he went up to Rhoda and silently offered his hand. She scarcely looked at him, and did not in the least return his pressure.
Useless to stay longer. As soon as the Widdowsons had left, he went up to Rhoda and silently offered his hand. She barely glanced at him and didn’t return his grip at all.
Rhoda dined at Mrs. Cosgrove’s, and was home again at eleven o’clock. When the house was locked up, and the servants had gone to bed, she sat in the library, turning over a book that she had brought from her friend’s house. It was a volume of essays, one of which dealt with the relations between the sexes in a very modern spirit, treating the subject as a perfectly open one, and arriving at unorthodox conclusions. Mrs. Cosgrove had spoken of this dissertation with lively interest. Rhoda perused it very carefully, pausing now and then to reflect.
Rhoda had dinner at Mrs. Cosgrove’s and got home at eleven o’clock. After locking up the house and letting the servants go to bed, she sat in the library, flipping through a book she had brought from her friend’s place. It was a collection of essays, one of which discussed the relationships between men and women in a very modern way, treating the topic openly and reaching unconventional conclusions. Mrs. Cosgrove had talked about this essay with great enthusiasm. Rhoda read it closely, stopping occasionally to think.
In this reading of her mind, Barfoot came near the truth.
In this interpretation of her thoughts, Barfoot got pretty close to the truth.
No man had ever made love to her; no man, to her knowledge, had ever been tempted to do so. In certain moods she derived satisfaction from this thought, using it to strengthen her life’s purpose; having passed her thirtieth year, she might take it as a settled thing that she would never be sought in marriage, and so could shut the doors on every instinct tending to trouble her intellectual decisions. But these instincts sometimes refused to be thus treated. As Miss Barfoot told her, she was very young for her years, young in physique, young in emotion. As a girl she had dreamt passionately, and the fires of her nature, though hidden beneath aggregations of moral and mental attainment, were not yet smothered. An hour of lassitude filled her with despondency, none the less real because she was ashamed of it. If only she had once been loved, like other women—if she had listened to an offer of devotion, and rejected it—her heart would be more securely at peace. So she thought. Secretly she deemed it a hard thing never to have known that common triumph of her sex. And, moreover, it took away from the merit of her position as a leader and encourager of women living independently. There might be some who said, or thought, that she made a virtue of necessity.
No man had ever made love to her; as far as she knew, no man had ever even been tempted to. Sometimes, in certain moods, she found comfort in this idea, using it to reinforce her purpose in life. Having passed her thirtieth year, she might accept that she would never be pursued for marriage, allowing herself to dismiss any feelings that might disrupt her intellectual choices. But those feelings occasionally refused to be ignored. As Miss Barfoot pointed out, she was very young for her age, youthful in body and spirit. As a girl, she had dreamed passionately, and the fires of her nature, although buried beneath layers of moral and intellectual achievement, were not completely extinguished. An hour of weariness filled her with a sadness that felt all the more real because she was embarrassed by it. If only she had ever been loved, like other women—if she had heard a declaration of devotion and turned it down—her heart would feel more at ease. That’s what she believed. Deep down, she considered it unfair never to have experienced that common triumph of her gender. Moreover, it undermined her credibility as a leader and supporter of women living independently. There might be some who thought she simply turned a necessity into a virtue.
Everard Barfoot’s advances surprised her not a little. Judging him as a man wholly without principle, she supposed at first that this was merely his way with all women, and resented it as impertinence. But even then she did not dislike the show of homage; what her mind regarded with disdain, her heart was all but willing to feed upon, after its long hunger. Barfoot interested her, and not the less because of his evil reputation. Here was one of the men for whom women—doubtless more than one—had sacrificed themselves; she could not but regard him with sexual curiosity. And her interest grew, her curiosity was more haunting, as their acquaintance became a sort of friendship; she found that her moral disapprobation wavered, or was altogether forgotten. Perhaps it was to compensate for this that she went the length of outraging Miss Barfoot’s feelings on the death of Bella Royston.
Everard Barfoot’s advances took her by surprise. Seeing him as a man completely without principles, she initially thought this was just how he treated all women, and she found it annoying. But even then, she didn’t entirely dislike the attention; while her mind looked down on it, her heart was almost eager for it after being starved for so long. Barfoot intrigued her, especially because of his bad reputation. He was one of those men for whom women—more than one, surely—had given up a lot; she couldn’t help but feel a spark of sexual curiosity towards him. As they became more friendly, her interest deepened, and her moral judgment began to falter or fade away altogether. Maybe to make up for this, she pushed against Miss Barfoot’s feelings when Bella Royston died.
Certainly she thought with much frequency of Barfoot, and looked forward to his coming. Never had she wished so much to see him again as after their encounter in Chelsea Gardens, and on that account she forced herself to hold aloof when he came. It was not love, nor the beginning of love; she judged it something less possible to avow. The man’s presence affected her with a perturbation which she had no difficulty in concealing at the time, though afterwards it distressed and shamed her. She took refuge in the undeniable fact that the quality of his mind made an impression upon her, that his talk was sympathetic. Miss Barfoot submitted to this influence; she confessed that her cousin’s talk had always had a charm for her.
Certainly, she often thought about Barfoot and looked forward to his visits. Never had she wanted to see him again as much as she did after their meeting in Chelsea Gardens, and for that reason, she made herself keep a distance when he arrived. It wasn't love, nor the start of love; she considered it something less easy to admit. His presence affected her in a way that she could easily hide in the moment, but later it troubled and embarrassed her. She took comfort in the undeniable fact that his intelligence left an impression on her, that his conversation was engaging. Miss Barfoot acknowledged this influence; she admitted that her cousin's conversations had always captivated her.
Could it be that this man reciprocated, and more than reciprocated, her complex feeling? To-day only accident had prevented him from making an avowal of love—unless she strangely mistook him. All the evening she had dwelt on this thought; it grew more and more astonishing. Was he worse than she had imagined? Under cover of independent thought, of serious moral theories, did he conceal mere profligacy and heartlessness? It was an extraordinary thing to have to ask such questions in relation to herself. It made her feel as if she had to learn herself anew, to form a fresh conception of her personality. She the object of a man’s passion!
Could it be that this man not only returned her feelings but even more profoundly? Today, only chance had stopped him from confessing his love—unless she was misinterpreting him in a strange way. All evening she had focused on this idea; it was becoming more and more surprising. Was he actually worse than she had thought? Beneath his independent thinking and serious moral theories, was he hiding simple self-indulgence and a lack of compassion? It was remarkable to have to question things about herself like this. It made her feel as if she had to rediscover herself, to create a new understanding of who she was. She, the object of a man's desire!
And the thought was exultant. Even thus late, then, the satisfaction of vanity had been granted her—nay, not of vanity alone.
And the thought was joyful. Even this late, she had still been granted the satisfaction of vanity—no, not just vanity alone.
He must be sincere. What motive could he possibly have for playing a part? Might it not be true that he was a changed man in certain respects, and that a genuine emotion at length had control of him? If so, she had only to wait for his next speech with her in private; she could not misjudge a lover’s pleading.
He has to be genuine. What reason could he have to act? Could it be true that he had changed in some ways, and that a real emotion finally had a hold on him? If that’s the case, she just needed to wait for their next private conversation; she wouldn’t misinterpret a lover’s plea.
The interest would only be that of comedy. She did not love Everard Barfoot, and saw no likelihood of ever doing so; on the whole, a subject for thankfulness. Nor could he seriously anticipate an assent to his proposal for a free union; in declaring that legal marriage was out of the question for him, he had removed his love-making to the region of mere ideal sentiment. But, if he loved her, these theories would sooner or later be swept aside; he would plead with her to become his legal wife.
The interest was purely comedic. She didn’t love Everard Barfoot and saw no chance of ever doing so; overall, something to be grateful for. Nor could he realistically expect her to agree to his idea of a free union; by stating that legal marriage was not an option for him, he had turned his romantic gestures into just idealized sentiment. But if he truly loved her, these theories would eventually fade away; he would beg her to become his legal wife.
To that point she desired to bring him. Offer what he might, she would not accept it; but the secret chagrin that was upon her would be removed. Love would no longer be the privilege of other women. To reject a lover in so many respects desirable, whom so many women might envy her, would fortify her self-esteem, and enable her to go forward in the chosen path with firmer tread.
To that point, she wanted to lead him. No matter what he offered, she wouldn't accept it; however, the hidden frustration she felt would vanish. Love wouldn’t just be something that other women had. Turning down a lover who was desirable in so many ways, and whom many women might envy, would boost her confidence and allow her to proceed on her chosen path with a steadier step.
It was one o’clock; the fire had died out and she began to shiver with cold. But a trembling of joy at the same time went through her limbs; again she had the sense of exultation, of triumph. She would not dismiss him peremptorily. He should prove the quality of his love, if love it were. Coming so late, the experience must yield her all it had to yield of delight and contentment.
It was one o'clock; the fire had gone out and she started to feel cold. But at the same time, a thrill of joy ran through her body; she felt a sense of excitement and victory. She wouldn’t push him away without a second thought. He needed to demonstrate the depth of his love, if that’s what it was. Since he was coming so late, this experience had to give her everything it could offer in terms of joy and satisfaction.
CHAPTER XV
THE JOYS OF HOME
Monica and her husband, on leaving the house in Queen’s Road, walked slowly in the eastward direction. Though night had fallen, the air was not unpleasant; they had no object before them, and for five minutes they occupied themselves with their thoughts. Then Widdowson stopped.
Monica and her husband, leaving their house on Queen’s Road, walked slowly eastward. Even though it was nighttime, the air felt comfortable; they had no particular destination, and for five minutes, they were lost in their thoughts. Then Widdowson stopped.
“Shall we go home again?” he asked, just glancing at Monica, then letting his eyes stray vaguely in the gloom.
“Should we go home now?” he asked, quickly looking at Monica, then letting his gaze wander aimlessly in the dim light.
“I should like to see Milly, but I’m afraid I can hardly take you there to call with me.”
“I'd really like to see Milly, but I don’t think I can take you with me to visit her.”
“Why not?”
"Why not?"
“It’s a very poor little sitting-room, you know, and she might have some friend. Isn’t there anywhere you could go, and meet me afterwards?”
“It’s a really tiny, shabby living room, you know, and she might have a friend. Is there anywhere you could go and meet me afterward?”
Frowning, Widdowson looked at his watch.
Frowning, Widdowson looked at his watch.
“Nearly six o’clock. There isn’t much time.”
“Almost six o’clock. There isn’t much time.”
“Edmund, suppose you go home, and let me come back by myself? You wouldn’t mind, for once? I should like so much to have a talk with Milly. If I got back about nine or half-past, I could have a little supper, and that’s all I should want.”
“Edmund, how about you going home and letting me come back alone this time? You wouldn’t mind, would you? I really want to have a chat with Milly. If I got back around nine or half past, I could have a quick supper, and that would be enough for me.”
He answered abruptly,—
He replied abruptly—
“Oh, but I can’t have you going about alone at night.”
“Oh, but I can’t let you go out alone at night.”
“Why not?” answered Monica, with a just perceptible note of irritation. “Are you afraid I shall be robbed or murdered?”
“Why not?” Monica replied, a hint of irritation in her voice. “Are you worried I’ll get robbed or killed?”
“Nonsense. But you mustn’t be alone.”
“Nonsense. But you shouldn't be alone.”
“Didn’t I always use to be alone?”
“Didn't I always used to be alone?”
He made an angry gesture.
He made an angry gesture.
“I have begged you not to speak of that. Why do you say what you know is disagreeable to me? You used to do all sorts of things that you never ought to have been obliged to do, and it’s very painful to remember it.”
“I’ve asked you not to talk about that. Why do you say something you know bothers me? You used to do all kinds of things you shouldn’t have had to do, and it really hurts to think about it.”
Monica, seeing that people were approaching, walked on, and neither spoke until they had nearly reached the end of the road.
Monica, noticing that people were coming closer, continued walking, and they both stayed silent until they were almost at the end of the road.
“I think we had better go home,” Widdowson at length remarked.
“I think we should head home,” Widdowson finally said.
“If you wish it; but I really don’t see why I shouldn’t call on Milly, now that we are here.”
“If you want to; but I honestly don’t understand why I shouldn’t visit Milly, now that we’re here.”
“Why didn’t you speak of it before we left home? You ought to be more methodical, Monica. Each morning I always plan how my day is to be spent, and it would be much better if you would do the same. Then you wouldn’t be so restless and uncertain.”
“Why didn’t you mention it before we left home? You should be more organized, Monica. Every morning, I always plan how I'm going to spend my day, and it would really help if you did the same. That way, you wouldn’t feel so anxious and unsure.”
“If I go to Rutland Street,” said Monica, without heeding this admonition, “couldn’t you leave me there for an hour?”
“If I go to Rutland Street,” said Monica, ignoring this warning, “couldn’t you drop me off there for an hour?”
“What in the world am I to do?”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“I should have thought you might walk about. It’s a pity you don’t know more people, Edmund. It would make things so much pleasanter for you.”
“I thought you might want to go for a walk. It’s too bad you don’t know more people, Edmund. It would make everything so much nicer for you.”
In the end he consented to see her safely as far as Rutland Street, occupy himself for an hour, and come back for her. They went by cab, which was dismissed in Hampstead Road. Widdowson did not turn away until he had ocular proof of his wife’s admittance to the house where Miss Vesper lived, and even then he walked no farther than the neighbouring streets, returning about every ten minutes to watch the house from a short distance, as though he feared Monica might have some project of escape. His look was very bilious; trudging mechanically hither and thither where fewest people were to be met, he kept his eyes on the ground, and clumped to a dismal rhythm with the end of his walking-stick. In the three or four months since his marriage, he seemed to have grown older; he no longer held himself so upright.
In the end, he agreed to take her safely to Rutland Street, keep himself busy for an hour, and come back for her. They took a cab, which they dismissed on Hampstead Road. Widdowson didn't leave until he saw for himself that his wife had entered the house where Miss Vesper lived, and even then, he only walked to the nearby streets, returning every ten minutes to keep watch on the house from a distance, as if he worried Monica might try to escape. He looked very unwell; trudging mechanically back and forth in quiet areas, he kept his eyes on the ground and tapped his walking stick to a gloomy beat. In the three or four months since their marriage, he seemed to have aged; he no longer stood so straight.
At the very moment agreed upon he was waiting close by the house. Five minutes passed; twice he had looked at his watch, and he grew excessively impatient, stamping as if it were necessary to keep himself warm. Another five minutes, and he uttered a nervous ejaculation. He had all but made up his mind to go and knock at the door when Monica came forth.
At the exact time they agreed on, he was waiting right by the house. Five minutes went by; he checked his watch twice and became really impatient, stamping his feet like it was necessary to stay warm. Another five minutes passed, and he let out a nervous exclamation. He was almost ready to go and knock on the door when Monica came out.
“You haven’t been waiting here long, I hope?” she said cheerfully.
"You haven't been waiting here too long, right?" she said cheerfully.
“Ten minutes. But it doesn’t matter.”
“Ten minutes. But it doesn’t matter.”
“I’m very sorry. We were talking on—”
“I’m really sorry. We were talking on—”
“Yes, but one must always be punctual. I wish I could impress that upon you. Life without punctuality is quite impossible.”
“Yes, but you always have to be on time. I really wish I could make you see that. Life without punctuality is completely unmanageable.”
“I’m very sorry, Edmund. I will be more careful. Please don’t lecture me, dear. How shall we go home?”
“I’m really sorry, Edmund. I’ll be more careful. Please don’t lecture me, okay? How should we get home?”
“We had better take a cab to Victoria. No knowing how long we may have to wait for a train when we get there.”
“We should probably take a cab to Victoria. Who knows how long we might have to wait for a train when we arrive?”
“Now don’t be so grumpy. Where have you been all the time?”
“Come on, don’t be so grumpy. Where have you been all this time?”
“Oh, walking about. What else was I to do?”
“Oh, just walking around. What else was I supposed to do?”
On the drive they held no conversation. At Victoria they were delayed about half an hour before a train started for Herne Hill; Monica sat in a waiting-room, and her husband trudged about the platform, still clumping rhythmically with his stick.
On the drive, they didn’t talk at all. At Victoria, they waited about thirty minutes before a train to Herne Hill left; Monica sat in a waiting room while her husband walked around the platform, still thumping along with his stick.
Their Sunday custom was to dine at one o’clock, and at six to have tea. Widdowson hated the slightest interference with domestic routine, and he had reluctantly indulged Monica’s desire to go to Chelsea this afternoon. Hunger was now added to his causes of discontent.
Their Sunday routine was to have lunch at one o’clock and tea at six. Widdowson couldn’t stand even the slightest disruption to their domestic schedule, and he had begrudgingly agreed to Monica’s wish to go to Chelsea this afternoon. Now, hunger was adding to his frustration.
“Let us have something to eat at once,” he said on entering the house. “This disorder really won’t do: we must manage better somehow.”
“Let's get something to eat right now,” he said as he walked into the house. “This mess is unacceptable; we need to get it together somehow.”
Without replying, Monica rang the dining-room bell, and gave orders.
Without responding, Monica rang the dining room bell and gave instructions.
Little change had been made in the interior of the house since its master’s marriage. The dressing-room adjoining the principal bed-chamber was adapted to Monica’s use, and a few ornaments were added to the drawing-room. Unlike his deceased brother, Widdowson had the elements of artistic taste; in furnishing his abode he took counsel with approved decorators, and at moderate cost had made himself a home which presented no original features, but gave no offence to a cultivated eye. The first sight of the rooms pleased Monica greatly. She declared that all was perfect, nothing need be altered. In those days, if she had bidden him spend a hundred pounds on reconstruction, the lover would have obeyed, delighted to hear her express a wish.
Little had changed in the house's interior since its owner's marriage. The dressing room next to the main bedroom was set up for Monica, and a few decorations were added to the living room. Unlike his late brother, Widdowson had some artistic taste; when furnishing his home, he consulted approved decorators and, at a reasonable cost, created a space that had no standout features but wouldn’t offend a sophisticated eye. Monica was very pleased with her first impression of the rooms. She said everything was perfect, and nothing needed to be changed. Back then, if she had asked him to spend a hundred pounds on renovations, he would have happily obliged, thrilled to hear her wishes.
Though competence had come to him only after a lifetime of narrow means, Widdowson felt no temptation to parsimony. Secure in his all-sufficing income, he grudged no expenditure that could bring himself or his wife satisfaction. On the wedding-tour in Cornwall, Devon, and Somerset—it lasted about seven weeks—Monica learnt, among other things less agreeable, that her husband was generous with money.
Though he had gained his competence only after a lifetime of financial struggles, Widdowson felt no urge to be stingy. Confident in his sufficient income, he didn’t mind spending money if it brought him or his wife happiness. During their honeymoon in Cornwall, Devon, and Somerset—which lasted about seven weeks—Monica discovered, among other less pleasant things, that her husband was generous with money.
He was anxious she should dress well, though only, as Monica soon discovered, for his own gratification. Soon after they had settled down at home she equipped herself for the cold season, and Widdowson cared little about the price so long as the effect of her new costumes was pleasing to him.
He was eager for her to dress nicely, though, as Monica quickly found out, it was mainly for his own enjoyment. Shortly after they settled in at home, she got herself ready for the cold season, and Widdowson didn’t mind the cost as long as her new outfits pleased him.
“You are making a butterfly of me,” said Monica merrily, when he expressed strong approval of a bright morning dress that had just come home.
“You're turning me into a butterfly,” Monica said cheerfully when he showed his enthusiastic approval of the bright morning dress that had just arrived home.
“A beautiful woman,” he replied, with the nervous gravity which still possessed him when complimenting her, or saying tender things, “a beautiful woman ought to be beautifully clad.”
“A beautiful woman,” he replied, with the nervous seriousness that still held him when complimenting her or saying sweet things, “a beautiful woman should be beautifully dressed.”
At the same time he endeavoured to impress her with the gravest sense of a married woman’s obligations. His raptures, genuine enough, were sometimes interrupted in the oddest way if Monica chanced to utter a careless remark of which he could not strictly approve, and such interruptions frequently became the opportunity for a long and solemn review of the wifely status. Without much trouble he had brought her into a daily routine which satisfied him. During the whole of the morning she was to be absorbed in household cares. In the afternoon he would take her to walk or drive, and the evening he wished her to spend either in drawing-room or library, occupied with a book. Monica soon found that his idea of wedded happiness was that they should always be together. Most reluctantly he consented to her going any distance alone, for whatever purpose. Public entertainments he regarded with no great favour, but when he saw how Monica enjoyed herself at concert or theatre, he made no objection to indulging her at intervals of a fortnight or so; his own fondness for music made this compliance easier. He was jealous of her forming new acquaintances; indifferent to society himself, he thought his wife should be satisfied with her present friends, and could not understand why she wished to see them so often.
At the same time, he tried to impress her with the serious nature of a married woman’s responsibilities. His genuine passion was sometimes interrupted in the strangest ways if Monica happened to make a careless comment that he couldn’t entirely agree with, and these interruptions often turned into long, serious discussions about her role as a wife. He had easily established a daily routine that pleased him. Throughout the morning, she was expected to focus on housework. In the afternoon, he would take her for a walk or a drive, and in the evening, he wanted her to spend time in the drawing room or library, engaged with a book. Monica quickly realized that his idea of marital happiness was that they should always be together. He was very reluctant to let her go anywhere alone, no matter the reason. He didn’t think highly of public events, but when he saw how much Monica enjoyed concerts or theater, he occasionally allowed her to go about every two weeks; his own love for music made this compromise easier. He felt jealous at the thought of her making new friends; indifferent to socializing himself, he thought she should be content with her current friends and couldn’t understand why she wanted to see them so often.
The girl was docile, and for a time he imagined that there would never be conflict between his will and hers. Whilst enjoying their holiday they naturally went everywhere together, and were scarce an hour out of each other’s presence, day or night. In quiet spots by the seashore, when they sat in solitude, Widdowson’s tongue was loosened, and he poured forth his philosophy of life with the happy assurance that Monica would listen passively. His devotion to her proved itself in a thousand ways; week after week he grew, if anything, more kind, more tender; yet in his view of their relations he was unconsciously the most complete despot, a monument of male autocracy. Never had it occurred to Widdowson that a wife remains an individual, with rights and obligations independent of her wifely condition. Everything he said presupposed his own supremacy; he took for granted that it was his to direct, hers to be guided. A display of energy, purpose, ambition, on Monica’s part, which had no reference to domestic pursuits, would have gravely troubled him; at once he would have set himself to subdue, with all gentleness, impulses so inimical to his idea of the married state. It rejoiced him that she spoke with so little sympathy of the principles supported by Miss Barfoot and Miss Nunn; these persons seemed to him well-meaning, but grievously mistaken. Miss Nunn he judged “unwomanly,” and hoped in secret that Monica would not long remain on terms of friendship with her. Of course his wife’s former pursuits were an abomination to him; he could not bear to hear them referred to.
The girl was submissive, and for a while, he thought there would never be any conflict between his wishes and hers. While enjoying their vacation, they naturally went everywhere together and were hardly apart for even an hour, day or night. In quiet spots by the shore, when they sat alone, Widdowson opened up and shared his thoughts on life, feeling confidently that Monica would listen without resistance. His devotion to her showed in countless ways; week after week, he became even kinder and more affectionate. Yet in his view of their relationship, he was unknowingly the most complete tyrant, a symbol of male dominance. It never crossed Widdowson's mind that a wife is an individual, with rights and responsibilities separate from her role as a wife. Everything he said assumed his own superiority; he took it for granted that it was his role to lead, and hers to follow. Any display of energy, purpose, or ambition from Monica that didn’t relate to home life would have deeply unsettled him; he would have promptly tried to gently suppress any tendencies that contradicted his idea of marriage. It pleased him that she seemed to have little sympathy for the ideas upheld by Miss Barfoot and Miss Nunn; he saw these women as well-meaning but seriously misguided. He considered Miss Nunn "unwomanly" and secretly hoped that Monica wouldn't stay friends with her for long. Naturally, Widdowson found his wife's previous interests repulsive; he couldn't stand to hear any mention of them.
“Woman’s sphere is the home, Monica. Unfortunately girls are often obliged to go out and earn their living, but this is unnatural, a necessity which advanced civilization will altogether abolish. You shall read John Ruskin; every word he says about women is good and precious. If a woman can neither have a home of her own, nor find occupation in any one else’s she is deeply to be pitied; her life is bound to be unhappy. I sincerely believe that an educated woman had better become a domestic servant than try to imitate the life of a man.”
“Woman’s place is in the home, Monica. Unfortunately, girls often have to go out and earn a living, but that’s unnatural—just a necessity that a more advanced society will eventually eliminate. You should read John Ruskin; everything he says about women is valuable and important. If a woman can’t have a home of her own or find work in someone else’s, she deserves our sympathy; her life is bound to be unhappy. I genuinely believe that an educated woman is better off as a domestic worker than trying to live like a man.”
Monica seemed to listen attentively, but before long she accustomed herself to wear this look whilst in truth she was thinking her own thoughts. And as often as not they were of a nature little suspected by her prosing companion.
Monica appeared to listen carefully, but before long she got used to wearing that expression while actually lost in her own thoughts. More often than not, her thoughts were things her talkative companion would never guess.
He believed himself the happiest of men. He had taken a daring step, but fortune smiled upon him, Monica was all he had imagined in his love-fever; knowledge of her had as yet brought to light no single untruth, no trait of character that he could condemn. That she returned his love he would not and could not doubt. And something she said to him one day, early in their honeymoon, filled up the measure of his bliss.
He thought he was the happiest man alive. He had taken a bold step, but luck was on his side; Monica was everything he had dreamed of during his love-struck days. So far, everything he knew about her revealed no lies and no character flaws he could criticize. He had no doubt that she loved him back. One thing she said to him early in their honeymoon completed his happiness.
“What a change you have made in my life, Edmund! How much I have to thank you for!”
“What a difference you’ve made in my life, Edmund! I have so much to thank you for!”
That was what he had hoped to hear. He had thought it himself; had wondered whether Monica saw her position in this light. And when the words actually fell from her lips he glowed with joy. This, to his mind, was the perfect relation of wife to husband. She must look up to him as her benefactor, her providence. It would have pleased him still better if she had not possessed a penny of her own, but happily Monica seemed never to give a thought to the sum at her disposal.
That was exactly what he had hoped to hear. He had thought it himself; he had wondered if Monica viewed her position this way. And when those words actually came out of her mouth, he felt a rush of joy. To him, this was the ideal relationship between a wife and husband. She should see him as her supporter and provider. It would have made him even happier if she didn't have a dime to her name, but thankfully, Monica never seemed to think about the money she had.
Surely he was the easiest of men to live with. When he first became aware that Monica suffered an occasional discontent, it caused him troublous surprise. As soon as he understood that she desired more freedom of movement, he became anxious, suspicious, irritable. Nothing like a quarrel had yet taken place between them, but Widdowson began to perceive that he must exert authority in a way he had imagined would never be necessary. All his fears, after all, were not groundless. Monica’s undomestic life, and perhaps the association with those Chelsea people, had left results upon her mind. By way of mild discipline, he first of all suggested a closer attention to the affairs of the house. Would it not be well if she spent an hour a day in sewing or fancy work? Monica so far obeyed as to provide herself with some plain needlework, but Widdowson, watching with keen eye, soon remarked that her use of the needle was only a feint. He lay awake o’ nights, pondering darkly.
Surely he was the easiest guy to live with. When he first noticed that Monica sometimes felt unhappy, it surprised him. As soon as he realized that she wanted more freedom, he became anxious, suspicious, and irritable. They hadn't had a real fight yet, but Widdowson started to see that he needed to take charge in a way he never thought he would. All his worries, it turned out, weren't unfounded. Monica’s unconventional lifestyle, and maybe her association with those Chelsea people, had affected her mindset. To gently enforce some discipline, he first suggested she pay more attention to the household chores. Wouldn’t it be good if she spent an hour a day sewing or doing some crafts? Monica complied enough to get some basic needlework, but Widdowson, keeping a close watch, soon noticed that her sewing was just a cover. He lay awake at night, deep in thought.
On the present evening he was more decidedly out of temper than ever hitherto. He satisfied his hunger hurriedly and in silence. Then, observing that Monica ate only a few morsels, he took offence at this.
On that evening, he was in a worse mood than ever. He quickly and quietly ate to satisfy his hunger. Then, noticing that Monica was only eating a few bites, he became annoyed by this.
“I’m afraid you are not well, dear. You have had no appetite for several days.”
“I’m worried that you’re not feeling well, dear. You haven’t had an appetite for several days.”
“As much as usual, I think,” she replied absently.
“As usual, I think,” she replied absentmindedly.
They went into the library, commonly their resort of an evening. Widdowson possessed several hundred volumes of English literature, most of them the works which are supposed to be indispensable to a well-informed man, though very few men even make a pretence of reading them. Self-educated, Widdowson deemed it his duty to make acquaintance with the great, the solid authors. Nor was his study of them affectation. For the poets he had little taste; the novelists he considered only profitable in intervals of graver reading; but history, political economy, even metaphysics, genuinely appealed to him. He had always two or three solid books on hand, each with its marker; he studied them at stated hours, and always sitting at a table, a notebook open beside him. A little work once well-known, Todd’s “Student’s Manual,” had formed his method and inspired him with zeal.
They went into the library, which they usually visited in the evening. Widdowson had several hundred books of English literature, most of which were considered essential for a well-informed person, even though very few people actually pretend to read them. Being self-taught, Widdowson felt it was his responsibility to get to know the great, solid authors. His study of them was not just for show. He wasn’t really into poetry; he thought novelists were only worth reading during breaks from more serious material; but he genuinely enjoyed history, political economy, and even metaphysics. He always had two or three substantial books he was reading, each marked with a bookmark; he studied them at specific times and always sat at a table with a notebook open next to him. A little book that was once well-known, Todd’s “Student’s Manual,” had shaped his study habits and fueled his enthusiasm.
To-night, it being Sunday, he took down a volume of Barrow’s Sermons. Though not strictly orthodox in religious faith, he conformed to the practices of the Church of England, and since his marriage had been more scrupulous on this point than before. He abhorred unorthodoxy in a woman, and would not on any account have suffered Monica to surmise that he had his doubts concerning any article of the Christian faith. Like most men of his kind, he viewed religion as a precious and powerful instrument for directing the female conscience. Frequently he read aloud to his wife, but this evening he showed no intention of doing so. Monica, however, sat unoccupied. After glancing at her once or twice, he said reprovingly,—
Tonight, being Sunday, he took down a volume of Barrow’s Sermons. Although he wasn’t strictly orthodox in his religious beliefs, he followed the practices of the Church of England, and since his marriage, he had been more careful about this than before. He detested unorthodoxy in a woman and would never have let Monica think that he had doubts about any aspect of the Christian faith. Like many men of his kind, he saw religion as a valuable and powerful tool for guiding a woman’s conscience. He often read aloud to his wife, but this evening, he had no intention of doing so. Monica, however, sat idle. After glancing at her a couple of times, he said reproachfully,—
“Have you finished your Sunday book?”
“Did you finish your Sunday book?”
“Not quite. But I don’t care to read just now.”
“Not really. But I’m not in the mood to read right now.”
The silence that followed was broken by Monica herself.
The silence that followed was interrupted by Monica herself.
“Have you accepted Mrs. Luke’s invitation to dinner?” she asked.
“Did you accept Mrs. Luke’s invite to dinner?” she asked.
“I have declined it,” was the reply, carelessly given.
“I’ve turned it down,” was the reply, given without much thought.
Monica bit her lip.
Monica bit her lip.
“But why?”
"But why?"
“Surely we needn’t discuss that over again, Monica.”
“Surely we don't need to go over that again, Monica.”
His eyes were still on the book, and he stirred impatiently.
His eyes were still on the book, and he fidgeted impatiently.
“But,” urged his wife, “do you mean to break with her altogether? If so, I think it’s very unwise, Edmund. What an opinion you must have of me, if you think I can’t see people’s faults! I know it’s very true, all you say about her. But she wishes to be kind to us, I’m sure—and I like to see something of a life so different from our own.”
“But,” urged his wife, “are you really planning to cut ties with her completely? If you are, I think it’s a bad idea, Edmund. What do you think of me if you believe I can’t see people’s flaws? I know everything you’ve said about her is true. But I’m sure she wants to be nice to us—and I enjoy experiencing a life that’s so different from our own.”
Widdowson drummed on the floor with his foot. In a few moments, ignoring Monica’s remarks, he stroked his beard, and asked, with a show of casual interest—
Widdowson tapped his foot on the floor. After a moment, ignoring Monica’s comments, he stroked his beard and asked, pretending to be casually interested—
“How was it you knew that Mr. Barfoot?”
“How did you know Mr. Barfoot?”
“I had met him before—when I went there on the Saturday.”
“I had met him before—when I went there on Saturday.”
Widdowson’s eyes fell; his brow was wrinkled.
Widdowson looked down; his forehead was creased.
“He’s often there, then?”
"Is he often around, then?"
“I don’t know. Perhaps he is. He’s Miss Barfoot’s cousin, you know.”
“I don’t know. Maybe he is. He’s Miss Barfoot’s cousin, you know.”
“You haven’t seen him more than once before?”
“You’ve only seen him once before?”
“No. Why do you ask?”
“No. Why do you want to know?”
“Oh, it was only that he seemed to speak as if you were old acquaintances.”
“Oh, it was just that he spoke as if you were old friends.”
“That’s his way, I suppose.”
"That's how he is, I guess."
Monica had already learnt that the jealousy which Widdowson so often betrayed before their manage still lurked in his mind. Perceiving why he put these questions, she could not look entirely unconcerned, and the sense of his eye being upon her caused her some annoyance.
Monica had already learned that the jealousy Widdowson often showed before their marriage still lingered in his mind. Realizing why he was asking these questions, she couldn't appear completely indifferent, and the feeling of his gaze on her annoyed her a bit.
“You talked to him, didn’t you?” she said, changing her position in the deep chair.
“You talked to him, right?” she said, shifting in the deep chair.
“Oh, the kind of talk that is possible with a perfect stranger. I suppose he is in some profession?”
“Oh, the kind of conversation that can happen with a complete stranger. I guess he has some kind of job?”
“I really don’t know. Why, Edmund? Does he interest you?”
“I really don’t know. Why, Edmund? Are you interested in him?”
“Only that one likes to know something about the people that are introduced to one’s wife,” Widdowson answered rather acridly.
“It's just that you want to know something about the people who are introduced to your wife,” Widdowson replied somewhat bitterly.
Their bedtime was half-past ten. Precisely at that moment Widdowson closed his book—glad to be relieved from the pretence of reading—and walked over the lower part of the house to see that all was right. He had a passion for routine. Every night, before going upstairs, he did a number of little things in unvarying sequence—changed the calendar for next day, made perfect order on his writing-table, wound up his watch, and so on. That Monica could not direct her habits with like exactitude was frequently a distress to him; if she chanced to forget any most trivial detail of daily custom he looked very solemn, and begged her to be more vigilant.
Their bedtime was 10:30 PM. Right on the dot, Widdowson closed his book—relieved to be done pretending to read—and walked through the lower part of the house to make sure everything was in order. He had a strong passion for routine. Every night, before heading upstairs, he went through a series of little tasks in the same order—changing the calendar for the next day, tidying up his writing desk, winding up his watch, and so on. It often bothered him that Monica couldn’t keep her habits as precisely. If she happened to forget even the smallest detail of their daily routine, he would look very serious and urge her to be more careful.
Next morning after breakfast, as Monica stood by the dining-room window and looked rather cheerlessly at a leaden sky, her husband came towards her as if he had something to say. She turned, and saw that his face no longer wore the austere expression which had made her miserable last night, and even during the meal this morning.
Next morning after breakfast, as Monica stood by the dining-room window looking rather glum at a gray sky, her husband approached her as if he had something to say. She turned and noticed that his face no longer had the serious expression that had made her feel so unhappy last night and even during breakfast this morning.
“Are we friends?” he said, with the attempt at playfulness which always made him look particularly awkward.
“Are we friends?” he asked, trying to be playful, which always made him seem especially awkward.
“Of course we are,” Monica answered, smiling, but not regarding him.
“Of course we are,” Monica replied with a smile, not looking at him.
“Didn’t he behave gruffly last night to his little girl?”
“Didn't he act all grumpy last night with his little girl?”
“Just a little.”
"Just a bit."
“And what can the old bear do to show that he’s sorry?”
“And what can the old bear do to prove he’s sorry?”
“Never be gruff again.”
"Don't be grumpy again."
“The old bear is sometimes an old goose as well, and torments himself in the silliest way. Tell him so, if ever he begins to behave badly. Isn’t it account-book morning?”
“The old bear can also be an old fool sometimes, and he worries himself in the most ridiculous ways. Tell him that if he starts acting up. Isn’t it account-book morning?”
“Yes. I’ll come to you at eleven.”
“Yes. I’ll meet you at eleven.”
“And if we have a nice, quiet, comfortable week, I’ll take you to the Crystal Palace concert next Saturday.”
“And if we have a nice, quiet, comfortable week, I’ll take you to the Crystal Palace concert next Saturday.”
Monica nodded cheerfully, and went off to look after her housekeeping.
Monica nodded happily and went to take care of her chores.
The week was in all respects what Widdowson desired. Not a soul came to the house; Monica went to see no one. Save on two days, it rained, sleeted, drizzled, fogged; on those two afternoons they had an hour’s walk. Saturday brought no improvement of the atmosphere, but Widdowson was in his happiest mood; he cheerfully kept his promise about the concert. As they sat together at night, his contentment overflowed in tenderness like that of the first days of marriage.
The week was exactly what Widdowson wanted. No one visited the house, and Monica didn’t go out to see anyone. Except for two days, it rained, sleeted, drizzled, and was foggy; on those two afternoons, they took an hour-long walk. Saturday didn’t improve the weather, but Widdowson was in a great mood; he happily kept his promise about the concert. As they sat together at night, his happiness bubbled over with tenderness, reminiscent of the early days of their marriage.
“Now, why can’t we always live like this? What have we to do with other people? Let us be everything to each other, and forget that any one else exists.”
“Now, why can’t we always live like this? What do we have to do with other people? Let’s be everything to each other and forget that anyone else exists.”
“I can’t help thinking that’s a mistake,” Monica ventured to reply. “For one thing, if we saw more people, we should have so much more to talk about when we are alone.”
“I can’t help but think that’s a mistake,” Monica replied. “For one thing, if we met more people, we’d have so much more to talk about when we’re alone.”
“It’s better to talk about ourselves. I shouldn’t care if I never again saw any living creature but you. You see, the old bear loves his little girl better than she loves him.”
“It’s better to talk about ourselves. I shouldn’t care if I never see another living creature besides you again. You see, the old bear loves his little girl more than she loves him.”
Monica was silent.
Monica didn’t say anything.
“Isn’t it true? You don’t feel that my company would be enough for you?”
“Isn't it true? You don't think my company would be enough for you?”
“Would it be right if I ceased to care for every one else? There are my sisters. I ought to have asked Virginia to come to-morrow; I’m sure she thinks I neglect her, and it must be dreadful living all alone like she does.”
“Would it be okay if I stopped caring about everyone else? There are my sisters. I should have invited Virginia to come tomorrow; I’m sure she thinks I neglect her, and it must be awful living all alone like she does.”
“Haven’t they made up their mind yet about the school? I’m sure it’s the right thing for them to do. If the venture were to fail, and they lost money, we would see that they never came to want.”
“Haven’t they decided about the school yet? I’m sure it’s the right choice for them. If the venture fails and they lose money, I’m sure they’ll never find themselves in need.”
“They’re so timid about it. And it wouldn’t be nice, you know, to feel they were going to be dependent upon us for the rest of their lives. I had better go and see Virgie to-morrow morning, and bring her back for dinner.”
“They’re so hesitant about it. And it wouldn’t be nice, you know, to feel like they would rely on us for the rest of their lives. I should go see Virgie tomorrow morning and bring her back for dinner.”
“If you like,” Widdowson assented slowly. “But why not send a message, and ask her to come here?”
“If you want,” Widdowson agreed slowly. “But why not send her a message and ask her to come here?”
“I had rather go. It makes a change for me.”
“I’d prefer to go. It’s a change for me.”
This was a word Widdowson detested. Change, on Monica’s lips, always seemed to mean a release from his society. But he swallowed his dissatisfaction, and finally consented to the arrangement.
This was a word Widdowson hated. Change, when Monica said it, always felt like a way to escape his company. But he kept his dissatisfaction to himself and eventually agreed to the plan.
Virginia came to dinner, and stayed until nightfall. Thanks to her sister’s kindness, she was better clad than in former days, but her face signified no improvement of health. The enthusiasm with which Rhoda Nunn had inspired her appeared only in fitful affectations of interest when Monica pressed her concerning the projected undertaking down in Somerset. In general she had a dreamy, reticent look, and became uncomfortable when any one gazed at her inquiringly. Her talk was of the most insignificant things; this afternoon she spent nearly half an hour in describing a kitten which Mrs. Conisbee had given her; care of the little animal appeared to have absorbed her whole attention for many days past.
Virginia came over for dinner and stayed until it got dark. Thanks to her sister's kindness, she was dressed better than before, but her face showed no signs of better health. The excitement that Rhoda Nunn had sparked in her showed up only in brief moments of interest when Monica asked her about the planned project in Somerset. Overall, she had a daydreamy, reserved expression, and she looked uneasy when anyone stared at her with curiosity. She talked about the most trivial things; that afternoon, she spent almost half an hour describing a kitten that Mrs. Conisbee had given her; taking care of the little animal seemed to have captured all her attention for the past few days.
Another visitor to-day was Mr. Newdick, the City clerk who had been present at Monica’s wedding. He and Mrs. Luke Widdowson were the sole friends of her husband that Monica had seen. Mr. Newdick enjoyed coming to Herne Hill. Always lugubrious to begin with, he gradually cheered up, and by the time for departure was loquacious. But he had the oddest ideas of talk suitable to a drawing-room. Had he been permitted, he would have held forth to Monica by the hour on the history of the business firm which he had served for a quarter of a century. This subject alone could animate him. His anecdotes were as often as not quite unintelligible, save to people of City experience. For all that Monica did not dislike the man; he was a good, simple, unselfish fellow, and to her he behaved with exaggeration of respect.
Another visitor today was Mr. Newdick, the City clerk who had attended Monica’s wedding. He and Mrs. Luke Widdowson were the only friends of her husband that Monica had seen. Mr. Newdick enjoyed coming to Herne Hill. Always a bit gloomy at first, he gradually perked up, and by the time it was time to leave, he was chatty. However, he had the weirdest ideas about what was appropriate for conversation in a drawing room. If he had been allowed, he would have gone on for hours to Monica about the history of the business firm he had worked for over twenty-five years. This topic alone could get him excited. His stories were often completely confusing, except to those with City experience. Still, Monica didn't dislike him; he was a good, straightforward, unselfish guy, and he treated her with an exaggerated sense of respect.
A few days later Monica had a sudden fit of illness. Her marriage, and the long open-air holiday, had given her a much healthier appearance than when she was at the shop; but this present disorder resembled the attack she had suffered in Rutland Street. Widdowson hoped that it signified a condition for which he was anxiously waiting. That, however, did not seem to be the case. The medical man who was called in asked questions about the patient’s mode of life. Did she take enough exercise? Had she wholesome variety of occupation? At these inquiries Widdowson inwardly raged. He was tormented with a suspicion that they resulted from something Monica had said to the doctor.
A few days later, Monica suddenly fell ill. Her marriage and the long vacation had made her look much healthier than when she worked at the shop; but this latest illness was similar to the one she had back on Rutland Street. Widdowson hoped it meant what he had been anxiously waiting for. However, that didn't seem to be the case. The doctor who was called in asked about the patient's lifestyle. Was she getting enough exercise? Did she have a healthy variety of activities? At these questions, Widdowson silently fumed. He was plagued by a suspicion that they stemmed from something Monica had told the doctor.
She kept her bed for three or four days, and on rising could only sit by the fireside, silent, melancholy. Widdowson indulged his hope, though Monica herself laughed it aside, and even showed annoyance if he return to the subject. Her temper was strangely uncertain; some chance word in a conversation would irritate her beyond endurance, and after an outburst of petulant displeasure she became obstinately mute. At other times she behaved with such exquisite docility and sweetness that Widdowson was beside himself with rapture.
She stayed in bed for three or four days, and when she finally got up, she could only sit by the fireplace, quiet and gloomy. Widdowson held onto his hopes, even though Monica brushed them off with a laugh and got annoyed if he brought it up again. Her mood was unpredictably unstable; sometimes a random comment in a conversation would irritate her to no end, and after a fit of sulky anger, she would stubbornly refuse to speak. Other times, she acted with such gentle kindness and charm that Widdowson was utterly thrilled.
After a week of convalescence, she said one morning,—
After a week of recovery, she said one morning,—
“Couldn’t we go away somewhere? I don’t think I shall ever be quite well staying here.”
“Couldn’t we go somewhere? I don’t think I’ll ever feel truly okay staying here.”
“It’s wretched weather,” replied her husband.
“It’s terrible weather,” replied her husband.
“Oh, but there are places where it wouldn’t be like this. You don’t mind the expense, do you, Edmund?”
“Oh, but there are places where it wouldn't be this way. You don't mind the cost, do you, Edmund?”
“Expense? Not I, indeed! But—were you thinking of abroad?”
“Expense? Not me, for sure! But—were you thinking about going overseas?”
She looked at him with eyes that had suddenly brightened.
She looked at him with eyes that had suddenly lit up.
“Oh! would it be possible? People do go out of England in the winter.”
“Oh! Is it really possible? People do leave England in the winter.”
Widdowson plucked at his grizzled beard and fingered his watch-chain. It was a temptation. Why not take her away to some place where only foreigners and strangers would be about them? Yet the enterprise alarmed him.
Widdowson tugged at his gray beard and fiddled with his watch chain. It was tempting. Why not take her somewhere that only foreigners and strangers would be around? Still, the idea made him uneasy.
“I have never been out of England,” he said, with misgiving.
“I've never been out of England,” he said, feeling uneasy.
“All the more reason why we should go. I think Miss Barfoot could advise us about it. She has been abroad, I know, and she has so many friends.”
“All the more reason for us to go. I think Miss Barfoot could give us advice on it. She has traveled abroad, I know, and she has a lot of friends.”
“I don’t see any need to consult Miss Barfoot,” he replied stiffly. “I am not such a helpless man, Monica.”
“I don’t see any reason to consult Miss Barfoot,” he answered stiffly. “I’m not that helpless, Monica.”
Yet a feeling of inability to grapple with such an undertaking as this grew on him the more he thought of it. Naturally, his mind busied itself with such vague knowledge as he had gathered of those places in the South of France, where rich English people go to escape their own climate: Nice, Cannes. He could not imagine himself setting forth to these regions. Doubtless it was possible to travel thither, and live there when one arrived, without a knowledge of French; but he pictured all sorts of humiliating situations resulting from his ignorance. Above everything he dreaded humiliation in Monica’s sight; it would be intolerable to have her comparing him with men who spoke foreign languages, and were at home on the Continent.
Yet he felt increasingly unable to tackle such a huge undertaking the more he thought about it. Naturally, his mind occupied itself with the scant knowledge he had gathered about those places in the South of France, where wealthy English people go to escape their own weather: Nice, Cannes. He couldn't picture himself heading out to those areas. Surely, it was possible to travel there and live once he arrived, even without knowing French; but he imagined all sorts of embarrassing situations stemming from his ignorance. Above all, he dreaded feeling humiliated in Monica’s eyes; it would be unbearable for her to compare him with men who spoke foreign languages and were at ease on the Continent.
Nevertheless, he wrote to his friend Newdick, and invited him to dine, solely for the purpose of talking over this question with him in private. After dinner he broached the subject. To his surprise, Newdick had ideas concerning Nice and Cannes and such places. He had heard about them from the junior partner of his firm, a young gentleman who talked largely of his experiences abroad.
Nevertheless, he wrote to his friend Newdick and invited him to dinner, specifically to discuss this question privately. After dinner, he brought up the subject. To his surprise, Newdick had thoughts about Nice, Cannes, and other places. He had heard about them from the junior partner at his firm, a young guy who often talked about his experiences abroad.
“An immoral lot there,” he said, smiling and shaking his head. “Queer goings on.”
“An immoral group there,” he said, smiling and shaking his head. “Strange things happening.”
“Oh, but that’s among the foreigners, isn’t it?”
“Oh, but that’s with the foreigners, right?”
Thereupon Mr. Newdick revealed his acquaintance with English literature.
Thereupon Mr. Newdick showed that he was familiar with English literature.
“Did you ever read any of Ouida’s novels?”
“Have you ever read any of Ouida’s novels?”
“No, I never did.”
“No, I never have.”
“I advise you to before you think of taking your wife over there. She writes a great deal about those parts. People get mixed up so, it seems. You couldn’t live by yourself. You have to eat at public tables, and you’d have all sorts of people trying to make acquaintance with Mrs. Widdowson. They’re a queer lot, I believe.”
“I suggest you think carefully before taking your wife over there. She talks a lot about that place. People get really confused, it seems. You wouldn’t be able to live alone. You have to eat at public tables, and all kinds of people will try to get to know Mrs. Widdowson. They’re a strange bunch, I think.”
He abandoned the thought, at once and utterly. When Monica learnt this—he gave only vague and unsatisfactory reasons—she fell back into her despondent mood. For a whole day she scarcely uttered a word.
He completely and immediately let go of the thought. When Monica found out about this—he only gave vague and unsatisfactory reasons—she slipped back into her gloomy mood. She hardly said a word for an entire day.
On the next day, in the dreary afternoon, they were surprised by a call from Mrs. Luke. The widow—less than ever a widow in externals—came in with a burst of exuberant spirits, and began to scold the moping couple like an affectionate parent.
On the following day, during the gloomy afternoon, they were taken aback by a call from Mrs. Luke. The widow—looking less like a widow than ever—entered with a burst of cheerful energy and began to scold the glum couple like a caring parent.
“When are you silly young people coming to an end of your honeymoon? Do you sit here day after day and call each other pretty names? Really it’s very charming in its way. I never knew such an obstinate case.—Monica, my black-eyed beauty, change your frock, and come with me to look up the Hodgson Bulls. They’re quite too awful; I can’t face them alone; but I’m bound to keep in with them. Be off, and let me pitch into your young man for daring to refuse my dinner. Don’t you know, sir, that my invitations are like those of Royalty—polite commands?”
“When are you silly young people going to wrap up your honeymoon? Do you sit here day after day calling each other cute names? Honestly, it’s quite charming in its own way. I’ve never seen such a stubborn case. —Monica, my dark-eyed beauty, change your dress and come with me to deal with the Hodgson Bulls. They’re just too dreadful; I can’t face them alone, but I have to keep on their good side. Hurry up, and let me take your young man to task for daring to decline my dinner invitation. Don’t you know, sir, that my invites are like those from royalty—polite commands?”
Widdowson kept silence, waiting to see what his wife would do. He could not with decency object to her accompanying Mrs. Luke, yet hated the thought of such a step. A grim smile on his face, he sat stiffly, staring at the wall. To his inexpressible delight, Monica, after a short hesitation, excused herself; she was not well; she did not feel able—
Widdowson stayed quiet, watching what his wife would decide. He couldn't reasonably object to her going with Mrs. Luke, but he hated the idea of it. With a grim smile on his face, he sat rigidly, staring at the wall. To his immense relief, Monica, after a brief pause, said she couldn't go; she wasn’t feeling well; she didn’t think she could—
“Oh!” laughed the visitor. “I see, I see! Do just as you like, of course. But if Edmund has any nous”—this phrase she had learnt from a young gentleman, late of Oxford, now of Tattersall’s and elsewhere—“he won’t let you sit here in the dumps. You are in the dumps, I can see.”
“Oh!” laughed the visitor. “I get it, I get it! Do whatever you want, of course. But if Edmund has any common sense”—this phrase she had picked up from a young guy, formerly from Oxford, now of Tattersall’s and other places—“he won’t let you sit here feeling down. You really are feeling down, I can tell.”
The vivacious lady did not stay long. When she had rustled forth again to her carriage, Widdowson broke into a paean of amorous gratitude. What could he do to show how he appreciated Monica’s self-denial on his behalf? For a day or two he was absent rather mysteriously, and in the meantime made up his mind, after consultation with Newdick, to take his wife for a holiday in Guernsey.
The lively lady didn't stick around for long. When she finally made her way back to her carriage, Widdowson burst into a song of passionate thanks. What could he do to show how much he appreciated Monica's sacrifice for him? For a day or two, he seemed to vanish mysteriously, and in that time, he decided, after talking with Newdick, to take his wife on a vacation to Guernsey.
Monica, when she heard of this project, was at first moderately grateful, but in a day or two showed by reviving strength and spirits that she looked forward eagerly to the departure. Her husband advertised for lodgings in St. Peter Port; he would not face the disagreeable chances of a hotel. In a fortnight’s time all their preparations were made. During their absence, which might extend over a month, Virginia was to live at Herne Hill, in supervision of the two servants.
Monica, when she heard about this project, was initially somewhat thankful, but within a day or two, she showed renewed energy and excitement that indicated she was eagerly anticipating their departure. Her husband put out an ad for a place to stay in St. Peter Port; he didn't want to deal with the unpleasant possibilities of staying in a hotel. In two weeks, all their arrangements were finalized. During their absence, which could last up to a month, Virginia was set to stay at Herne Hill, under the watch of the two servants.
On the last Sunday Monica went to see her friends in Queen’s Road. Widdowson was ashamed to offer an objection; he much disliked her going there alone, but disliked equally the thought of accompanying her, for at Miss Barfoot’s he could not pretend to sit, stand, or converse with ease.
On the last Sunday, Monica went to visit her friends on Queen’s Road. Widdowson felt too embarrassed to voice his concerns; he really didn't like the idea of her going there alone, but he equally disliked the thought of going with her, because at Miss Barfoot’s, he couldn't pretend to sit, stand, or talk comfortably.
It happened that Mrs. Cosgrove was again calling. On the first occasion of meeting with Monica this lady paid her no particular attention; to-day she addressed her in a friendly manner, and their conversation led to the discovery that both of them were about to spend the ensuing month in the same place. Mrs. Cosgrove hoped they might occasionally see each other.
It turned out that Mrs. Cosgrove was calling again. The first time she met Monica, she didn’t really pay much attention to her; today, she spoke to her in a friendly way, and their conversation revealed that they would both be spending the next month in the same location. Mrs. Cosgrove expressed hope that they could see each other from time to time.
Of this coincidence Monica thought better to say nothing on her return home. She could not be sure that her husband might not, at the last moment, decide to stay at Herne Hill rather than incur the risk of her meeting an acquaintance in Guernsey. On this point he could not be trusted to exercise common sense. For the first time Monica had a secret she desired to keep from him, and the necessity was one which could not but have an unfavourable effect on her manner of regarding Widdowson. They were to start on Monday evening. Through the day her mind was divided between joy in the thought of seeing a new part of the world and a sense of weary dislike for her home. She had not understood until now how terrible would be the prospect of living here for a long time with no companionship but her husband’s. On the return that prospect would lie before her. But no; their way of life must somehow be modified; on that she was resolved.
On her way home, Monica decided it was better not to mention this coincidence. She couldn't be sure that her husband wouldn't, at the last minute, choose to stay at Herne Hill instead of risking her running into someone she knew in Guernsey. She couldn't trust him to use common sense on this issue. For the first time, Monica had a secret she wanted to keep from him, and this necessity was bound to affect how she viewed Widdowson. They were set to leave on Monday evening. Throughout the day, her thoughts were torn between excitement at the idea of exploring a new part of the world and a tired resentment for her home. She hadn't realized until now how awful the thought of living here for a long time with only her husband for company would be. That reality would be waiting for her when they returned. But no; their way of life had to change somehow; she was determined about that.
CHAPTER XVI
HEALTH FROM THE SEA
From Herne Hill to St. Peter Port was a change which made of Monica a new creature. The weather could not have been more propitious; day after day of still air and magnificent sky, with temperature which made a brisk walk at any hour thoroughly enjoyable, yet allowed one to sit at ease in the midday sunshine. Their lodgings were in the best part of the town, high up, looking forth over blue sea to the cliffs of Sark. Widdowson congratulated himself on having taken this step; it was like a revival of his honeymoon; never since their settling down at home had Monica been so grateful, so affectionate. Why, his wife was what he had thought her from the first, perfect in every wifely attribute. How lovely she looked as she sat down to the breakfast-table, after breathing sea air at the open windows, in her charming dress, her black hair arranged in some new fashion just to please him! Or when she walked with him about the quays, obviously admired by men who passed them. Or when she seated herself in the open carriage for a drive which would warm her cheeks and make her lips redder and sweeter.
From Herne Hill to St. Peter Port was a transformation that turned Monica into a new person. The weather couldn’t have been better; day after day of calm air and beautiful skies, with temperatures that made a brisk walk at any time truly enjoyable, while still allowing for relaxed afternoons in the midday sun. Their accommodations were in the best part of town, perched high up, overlooking the blue sea and the cliffs of Sark. Widdowson felt proud of having made this choice; it felt like a revival of their honeymoon. Never since they settled down at home had Monica been so appreciative and affectionate. His wife was exactly what he had thought from the beginning, perfect in every way a wife should be. How lovely she looked sitting down to breakfast after enjoying the sea air through the open windows, in her delightful dress, with her black hair styled in a new way just to please him! Or when she walked with him around the quays, clearly admired by the men who passed by. Or when she sat in the open carriage for a drive that would warm her cheeks and make her lips redder and sweeter.
“Edmund,” she said to him one evening, as they talked by the fireside, “don’t you think you take life rather too gravely?”
“Edmund,” she said to him one evening, as they talked by the fireside, “don’t you think you take life a bit too seriously?”
He laughed.
He chuckled.
“Gravely? Don’t I seem to enjoy myself?”
“Seriously? Don’t I look like I’m having a good time?”
“Oh yes; just now. But—still in a rather serious way. One would think you always had cares on your mind, and were struggling to get rid of them.”
“Oh yes; right now. But—still in a pretty serious way. One would think you always had worries on your mind and were trying to shake them off.”
“I haven’t a care in the world. I am the most blessed of mortals.”
"I don’t have a care in the world. I’m the luckiest person alive."
“So you ought to think yourself. But when we get back again, how will it be? You won’t be angry with me? I really don’t think I can live again as we were doing.”
“So you should think for yourself. But when we get back, how will it be? You won’t be mad at me, right? I really don’t think I can go back to how we were living.”
“Not live as—”
"Not live as—"
His brow darkened; he looked at her in astonishment.
His brow furrowed; he stared at her in shock.
“We ought to have more enjoyment,” she pursued courageously. “Think of the numbers of people who live a dull, monotonous life just because they can’t help it. How they would envy us, with so much money to spend, free to do just what we like! Doesn’t it seem a pity to sit there day after day alone—”
“We should have more fun,” she continued boldly. “Think about all the people who live boring, repetitive lives just because they don’t have a choice. They would be so envious of us, with so much money to spend and the freedom to do whatever we want! Doesn’t it seem sad to sit there day after day alone—”
“Don’t, my darling!” he implored. “Don’t! That makes me think you don’t really love me.”
“Don’t, my love!” he pleaded. “Don’t! That makes me feel like you don’t really love me.”
“Nonsense! I want you to see what I mean. I am not one of the silly people who care for nothing but amusement, but I do think we might enjoy our lives more when we are in London. We shan’t live for ever, you know. Is it right to spend day after day sitting there in the house—”
“Nonsense! I want you to understand what I mean. I’m not one of those foolish people who only care about having fun, but I really think we could enjoy our lives more when we’re in London. We won’t live forever, you know. Is it right to spend day after day just sitting in the house—”
“But come, come; we have our occupations. Surely it ought to be a pleasure to you to see that the house is kept in order. There are duties—”
“But come on; we have our responsibilities. Surely it should be a pleasure for you to see that the house is kept tidy. There are tasks—”
“Yes, I know. But these duties I could perform in an hour or two.”
“Yes, I know. But I could finish these tasks in an hour or two.”
“Not thoroughly.”
"Not completely."
“Quite thoroughly enough.”
“Good enough.”
“In my opinion, Monica, a woman ought never to be so happy as when she is looking after her home.”
“In my opinion, Monica, a woman should never be happier than when she is taking care of her home.”
It was the old pedantic tone. His figure, in sympathy with it, abandoned an easy attitude and became awkward. But Monica would not allow herself to be alarmed. During the past week she had conducted herself so as to smooth the way for this very discussion. Unsuspecting husband!
It was the same old boring tone. His posture, reflecting this, shifted from relaxed to uncomfortable. But Monica refused to feel anxious. Over the past week, she had acted in a way that prepared for this very conversation. Naive husband!
“I wish to do my duty,” she said in a firm tone, “but I don’t think it’s right to make dull work for oneself, when one might be living. I don’t think it is living to go on week after week like that. If we were poor, and I had a lot of children to look after as well as all the housework to do, I believe I shouldn’t grumble—at least, I hope I shouldn’t. I should know that I ought to do what there was no one else to do, and make the best of it. But——”
“I want to do my duty,” she said firmly, “but I don’t think it’s right to create boring work for yourself when you could be actually living. I don’t think it is living to go on week after week like that. If we were poor and I had a bunch of kids to take care of along with all the housework, I believe I wouldn’t complain—at least, I hope I wouldn’t. I would know that I should do what needed to be done if no one else could, and make the best of it. But——”
“Make the best of it!” he interrupted indignantly. “What an expression to use! It would not only be your duty, dear, but your privilege!”
“Make the most of it!” he interrupted angrily. “What a phrase to use! It wouldn't just be your duty, dear, it would also be your privilege!”
“Wait a moment, Edmund. If you were a shopman earning fifteen shillings a week, and working from early morning to late at night, should you think it not only your duty but your privilege?”
“Hold on a second, Edmund. If you were a store clerk making fifteen shillings a week, working from early morning to late at night, would you really think it was not just your duty but also your privilege?”
He made a wrathful gesture.
He made an angry gesture.
“What comparison is there? I should be earning a hard livelihood by slaving for other people. But a married woman who works in her own home, for her husband’s children—”
“What comparison is there? I should be earning a tough living by working for other people. But a married woman who takes care of her own home, for her husband’s kids—”
“Work is work, and when a woman is overburdened with it she must find it difficult not to weary of home and husband and children all together. But of course I don’t mean to say that my work is too hard. All I mean is, that I don’t see why any one should make work, and why life shouldn’t be as full of enjoyment as possible.”
“Work is work, and when a woman has too much of it, it's hard not to get tired of home and husband and kids all at once. But of course, I’m not saying my work is too hard. All I’m saying is that I don’t understand why anyone should create work, and why life shouldn’t be filled with as much enjoyment as possible.”
“Monica, you have got these ideas from those people at Chelsea. That is exactly why I don’t care for you to see much of them. I utterly disapprove of—”
“Monica, you got these ideas from those people at Chelsea. That’s exactly why I don’t want you to spend much time with them. I completely disapprove of—”
“But you are mistaken. Miss Barfoot and Miss Nunn are all for work. They take life as seriously as you do.”
“But you’re wrong. Miss Barfoot and Miss Nunn are all about work. They take life as seriously as you do.”
“Work? What kind of work? They want to make women unwomanly, to make them unfit for the only duties women ought to perform. You know very well my opinions about that kind of thing.”
“Work? What kind of work? They want to make women less like women, to make them incapable of the only responsibilities women should have. You know exactly how I feel about that.”
He was trembling with the endeavour to control himself, to speak indulgently.
He was shaking as he tried to hold himself together, speaking in a calm way.
“I don’t think, Edmund, there’s much real difference between men and women. That is, there wouldn’t be, if women had fair treatment.”
“I don’t think, Edmund, there’s much real difference between men and women. That is, there wouldn’t be if women were treated fairly.”
“Not much difference? Oh, come; you are talking nonsense. There’s as much difference between their minds as between their bodies. They are made for entirely different duties.”
“Not much difference? Come on, you're talking nonsense. There’s as much difference between their minds as there is between their bodies. They are meant for completely different roles.”
Monica sighed.
Monica let out a sigh.
“Oh, that word Duty!”
"Oh, that word Responsibility!"
Pained unutterably, Widdowson bent forward and took her hand. He spoke in a tone of the gravest but softest rebuke. She was giving entertainment to thoughts that would lead her who knew whither, that would undermine her happiness, would end by making both of them miserable. He besought her to put all such monstrous speculations out of her mind.
Pained beyond words, Widdowson leaned forward and took her hand. He spoke in a serious but gentle tone. She was indulging in thoughts that would lead her to who knows where, that would undermine her happiness, ultimately making both of them miserable. He urged her to discard all such troubling ideas.
“Dear, good little wife! Do be guided by your husband. He is older than you, darling, and has seen so much more of the world.”
“Dear, sweet wife! Please listen to your husband. He’s older than you, sweetheart, and has experienced so much more of life.”
“I haven’t said anything dreadful, dear. My thoughts don’t come from other people; they rise naturally in my own head.”
“I haven't said anything terrible, dear. My thoughts don't come from others; they come up naturally in my own mind.”
“Now, what do you really want? You say you can’t live as we were doing. What change would you make?”
“Now, what do you actually want? You say you can't live like we were before. What changes would you make?”
“I should like to make more friends, and to see them often. I want to hear people talk, and know what is going on round about me. And to read a different kind of books; books that would really amuse me, and give me something I could think about with pleasure. Life will be a burden to me before long if I don’t have more freedom.”
“I want to make more friends and hang out with them often. I want to hear people talk and know what's happening around me. I want to read different kinds of books; books that will actually entertain me and give me things to think about happily. Life is going to feel heavy soon if I don’t have more freedom.”
“Freedom?”
"Freedom?"
“Yes, I don’t think there’s any harm in saying that.”
“Yes, I don’t think it’s wrong to say that.”
“Freedom?” He glared at her. “I shall begin to think that you wish you had never married me.”
“Freedom?” He shot her a fierce look. “I’m starting to think you wish you had never married me.”
“I should only wish that if I were made to feel that you shut me up in a house and couldn’t trust me to go where I chose. Suppose the thought took you that you would go and walk about the City some afternoon, and you wished to go alone, just to be more at ease, should I have a right to forbid you, or grumble at you? And yet you are very dissatisfied if I wish to go anywhere alone.”
“I would only hope that if I felt like you were trapping me in a house and didn’t trust me to go where I wanted, it wouldn’t be that way. Imagine if you thought about going for a walk in the City one afternoon and wanted to go alone, just to feel more comfortable. Would I have the right to stop you or complain about it? Yet, you seem really unhappy if I want to go anywhere alone.”
“But here’s the old confusion. I am a man; you are a woman.”
“But here’s the old mix-up. I’m a man; you’re a woman.”
“I can’t see that that makes any difference. A woman ought to go about just as freely as a man. I don’t think it’s just. When I have done my work at home I think I ought to be every bit as free as you are—every bit as free. And I’m sure, Edmund, that love needs freedom if it is to remain love in truth.”
“I don’t see how that makes any difference. A woman should be able to move around just as freely as a man. I don’t think that’s fair. Once I’ve finished my work at home, I believe I should be just as free as you are—completely free. And I’m certain, Edmund, that love needs freedom to truly remain love.”
He looked at her keenly.
He gazed at her intently.
“That’s a dreadful thing for you to say. So, if I disapprove of your becoming the kind of woman that acknowledges no law, you will cease to love me?”
"That’s a terrible thing for you to say. So, if I don’t approve of you becoming the kind of woman who recognizes no rules, you’ll stop loving me?"
“What law do you mean?”
"What law are you referring to?"
“Why, the natural law that points out a woman’s place, and”—he added, with shaken voice—“commands her to follow her husband’s guidance.”
“Why, the natural law that shows a woman’s role, and”—he added, with a trembling voice—“tells her to follow her husband’s lead.”
“Now you are angry. We mustn’t talk about it any more just now.”
“Now you're angry. We shouldn't discuss it any further right now.”
She rose and poured out a glass of water. Her hand trembled as she drank. Widdowson fell into gloomy abstraction. Later, as they lay side by side, he wished to renew the theme, but Monica would not talk; she declared herself too sleepy, turned her back to him, and soon slept indeed.
She got up and poured herself a glass of water. Her hand shook as she drank. Widdowson sank into a deep thought. Later, as they lay next to each other, he wanted to bring up the topic again, but Monica wouldn’t talk; she said she was too tired, turned away from him, and soon fell asleep for real.
That night the weather became stormy; a roaring wind swept the Channel, and when day broke nothing could be seen but cloud and rain. Widdowson, who had rested little, was in a heavy, taciturn mood; Monica, on the other hand, talked gaily, seeming not to observe her companion’s irresponsiveness. She was glad of the wild sky; now they would see another aspect of island life—the fierce and perilous surges beating about these granite shores.
That night, the weather turned stormy; a howling wind whipped across the Channel, and when morning came, all that could be seen was clouds and rain. Widdowson, who had hardly slept, was in a gloomy, silent mood; Monica, however, chatted cheerfully, seemingly unaware of her companion's indifference. She was excited by the wild sky; now they would experience another side of island life—the fierce and dangerous waves crashing against the granite shores.
They had brought with them a few books, and Widdowson, after breakfast, sat down by the fire to read. Monica first of all wrote a letter to her sister; then, as it was still impossible to go out, she took up one of the volumes that lay on a side-table in their sitting-room, novels left by former lodgers. Her choice was something or other with yellow back. Widdowson, watching all her movements furtively, became aware of the pictured cover.
They had brought a few books with them, and Widdowson, after breakfast, sat down by the fire to read. Monica first wrote a letter to her sister; then, since it was still impossible to go outside, she picked up one of the novels that were on a side table in their sitting room, books left by previous guests. She chose one with a yellow cover. Widdowson, quietly watching her, noticed the illustrated cover.
“I don’t think you’ll get much good out of that,” he remarked, after one or two efforts to speak.
“I don’t think you’ll get much out of that,” he said, after a couple of tries to speak.
“No harm, at all events,” she replied good-humouredly.
"No harm, at any rate," she replied cheerfully.
“I’m not so sure. Why should you waste your time? Take “Guy Mannering,” if you want a novel.”
“I’m not so sure. Why should you waste your time? Check out “Guy Mannering” if you want a novel.”
“I’ll see how I like this first.”
“I’ll see how I feel about this first.”
He felt himself powerless, and suffered acutely from the thought that Monica was in rebellion against him. He could not understand what had brought about this sudden change. Fear of losing his wife’s love restrained him from practical despotism, yet he was very near to uttering a definite command.
He felt powerless and was deeply troubled by the idea that Monica was rebelling against him. He couldn’t understand what had caused this sudden shift. His fear of losing his wife’s love held him back from taking control outright, but he was very close to giving a clear command.
In the afternoon it no longer rained, and the wind had less violence. They went out to look at the sea. Many people were gathered about the harbour, whence was a fine view of the great waves that broke into leaping foam and spray against the crags of Sark. As they stood thus occupied, Monica heard her name spoken in a friendly voice—that of Mrs. Cosgrove.
In the afternoon, it had stopped raining, and the wind was calmer. They went out to see the sea. A lot of people had gathered around the harbor, where there was a great view of the huge waves crashing into foam and spray against the cliffs of Sark. As they stood there, Monica heard her name called in a friendly voice—it was Mrs. Cosgrove.
“I have been expecting to see you,” said the lady. “We arrived three days ago.”
“I’ve been waiting to see you,” the lady said. “We got here three days ago.”
Widdowson, starting with surprise, turned to examine the speaker. He saw a woman of something less than middle age, unfashionably attired, good-looking, with an air of high spirits; only when she offered her hand to him did he remember having met her at Miss Barfoot’s. To be graceful in a high wind is difficult for any man; the ungainliness with which he returned Mrs. Cosgrove’s greeting could not have been surpassed, and probably would have been much the same even had he not, of necessity, stood clutching at his felt hat.
Widdowson, taken aback, turned to look at the speaker. He saw a woman who was slightly younger than middle-aged, dressed in an outdated style, attractive, and full of energy; it was only when she extended her hand to him that he recalled meeting her at Miss Barfoot’s. Being graceful in a strong wind is tough for anyone; the awkward way he greeted Mrs. Cosgrove couldn’t have been more clumsy, and it likely would have been just as awkward even if he hadn’t been, by necessity, holding onto his felt hat.
The three talked for a few minutes. With Mrs. Cosgrove were two persons, a younger woman and a man of about thirty—the latter a comely and vivacious fellow, with rather long hair of the orange-tawny hue. These looked at Monica, but Mrs. Cosgrove made no introduction.
The three chatted for a few minutes. With Mrs. Cosgrove were two people, a younger woman and a man around thirty—the latter a handsome and lively guy, with somewhat long hair that was a reddish-orange color. They glanced at Monica, but Mrs. Cosgrove didn’t introduce them.
“Come and see me, will you?” she said, mentioning her address. “One can’t get out much in the evenings; I shall be nearly always at home after dinner, and we have music—of a kind.”
“Come and see me, okay?” she said, giving her address. “It's hard to go out much in the evenings; I’ll usually be home after dinner, and we have music—sort of.”
Monica boldly accepted the invitation, said she would be glad to come. Then Mrs. Cosgrove took leave of them, and walked landwards with her companions.
Monica confidently accepted the invitation and said she would be happy to come. Then Mrs. Cosgrove said goodbye to them and walked back to shore with her friends.
Widdowson stood gazing at the sea. There was no misreading his countenance. When Monica had remarked it, she pressed her lips together, and waited for what he would say or do. He said nothing, but presently turned his back upon the waves and began to walk on. Neither spoke until they were in the shelter of the streets; then Widdowson asked suddenly,—
Widdowson stood staring at the sea. His expression was clear. When Monica noticed it, she pressed her lips together and waited for him to say or do something. He stayed silent, but soon turned his back on the waves and started walking. Neither of them spoke until they were in the safety of the streets; then Widdowson suddenly asked,—
“Who is that person?”
“Who is that?”
“I only know her name, and that she goes to Miss Barfoot’s.”
“I only know her name, and that she goes to Miss Barfoot’s.”
“It’s a most extraordinary thing,” he exclaimed in high irritation. “There’s no getting out of the way of those people.”
“It’s really something else,” he exclaimed, clearly frustrated. “You can’t avoid those people.”
Monica also was angry; her cheeks, reddened by the wind, grew hotter.
Monica was also angry; her cheeks, flushed by the wind, became warmer.
“It’s still more extraordinary that you should object so to them.”
“It’s still more surprising that you would object to them so much.”
“Whether or no—I do object, and I had rather you didn’t go to see that woman.”
“Whether you like it or not—I do object, and I’d prefer if you didn’t go visit that woman.”
“You are unreasonable,” Monica answered sharply. “Certainly I shall go and see her.”
“You're being unreasonable,” Monica replied sharply. “Of course, I'm going to see her.”
“I forbid you to do so! If you go, it will be in defiance of my wish.”
“I forbid you to do that! If you go, it will be against my wishes.”
“Then I am obliged to defy your wish. I shall certainly go.”
“Then I have to go against your wish. I’m definitely going.”
His face was frightfully distorted. Had they been in a lonely spot, Monica would have felt afraid of him. She moved hurriedly away in the direction of their lodgings, and for a few paces he followed; then he checked himself, turned round about, took an opposite way.
His face was horribly twisted. If they had been alone, Monica would have been scared of him. She quickly moved towards their place, and for a moment he followed her; then he caught himself, turned around, and went the other way.
With strides of rage he went along by the quay, past the hotels and the smaller houses that follow, on to St. Sampson. The wind, again preparing for a tempestuous night, beat and shook and at moments all but stopped him; he set his teeth like a madman, and raged on. Past the granite quarries at Bordeaux Harbour, then towards the wild north extremity of the island, the sandy waste of L’Ancresse. When darkness began to fall, no human being was in his range of sight. He stood on one spot for nearly a quarter of an hour, watching, or appearing to watch, the black, low-flying scud.
With angry strides, he walked along the quay, passing the hotels and the smaller houses that followed, heading towards St. Sampson. The wind, once again gearing up for a stormy night, battered and shook him, almost stopping him completely at times; he gritted his teeth like a madman and kept going. He moved past the granite quarries at Bordeaux Harbour, then toward the wild northern edge of the island, the sandy wasteland of L’Ancresse. As darkness began to settle in, there wasn’t a single person in sight. He stood in one spot for nearly fifteen minutes, watching, or pretending to watch, the black, low-hanging clouds.
Their time for dining was seven. Shortly before this Widdowson entered the house and went to the sitting-room; Monica was not there. He found her in the bed-chamber, before the looking-glass. At the sight of his reflected face she turned instantly.
Their dinner time was seven. Just before that, Widdowson entered the house and went to the living room; Monica wasn't there. He found her in the bedroom, in front of the mirror. When she saw his reflection, she immediately turned around.
“Monica!” He put his hands on her shoulders, whispering hoarsely, “Monica! don’t you love me?”
“Monica!” He placed his hands on her shoulders, whispering hoarsely, “Monica! Don’t you love me?”
She looked away, not replying.
She turned away, silent.
“Monica!”
“Monica!”
And of a sudden he fell on his knees before her, clasped her about the waist, burst into choking sobs.
And suddenly, he dropped to his knees in front of her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and began to sob uncontrollably.
“Have you no love for me? My darling! My dear, beautiful wife! Have you begun to hate me?”
“Do you have no love for me? My darling! My dear, beautiful wife! Have you started to hate me?”
Tears came to her eyes. She implored him to rise and command himself.
Tears filled her eyes. She begged him to stand up and get a grip on himself.
“I was so violent, so brutal with you. I spoke without thinking—”
“I was so harsh, so cruel to you. I spoke without considering the consequences—”
“But why should you speak like that? Why are you so unreasonable? If you forbid me to do simple things, with not the least harm in them, you can’t expect me to take it like a child. I shall resist; I can’t help it.”
“But why should you talk like that? Why are you being so unreasonable? If you’re going to stop me from doing simple things that aren’t harmful at all, you can’t expect me to just accept it without a fight. I’ll push back; it’s just who I am.”
He had risen and was crushing her in his arms, his hot breath on her neck, when he began to whisper,—
He had gotten up and was holding her tight in his arms, his warm breath on her neck, when he started to whisper,—
“I want to keep you all to myself. I don’t like these people—they think so differently—they put such hateful ideas into your mind—they are not the right kind of friends for you—”
“I want to have you all to myself. I don’t like these people—they think so differently—they put such hateful ideas in your head—they aren’t the right kind of friends for you—”
“You misunderstand them, and you don’t in the least understand me. Oh, you hurt me, Edmund!”
“You’re misreading them, and you don’t understand me at all. Oh, you’ve hurt me, Edmund!”
He released her body, and took her head between his hands.
He let go of her body and held her head in his hands.
“I had rather you were dead than that you should cease to love me! You shall go to see her; I won’t say a word against it. But, Monica, be faithful, be faithful to me!”
“I'd rather you were dead than that you stopped loving me! You can go see her; I won’t say a word against it. But, Monica, please be loyal, be loyal to me!”
“Faithful to you?” she echoed in astonishment. “What have I said or done to put you in such a state? Because I wish to make a few friends as all women do—”
“Faithful to you?” she repeated in disbelief. “What have I said or done to put you in this state? Just because I want to make a few friends like any woman does—”
“It’s because I have lived so much alone. I have never had more than one or two friends, and I am absurdly jealous when you want to get away from me and amuse yourself with strangers. I can’t talk to such people. I am not suited for society. If I hadn’t met you in that strange way, by miracle, I should never have been able to marry. If I allow you to have these friends—”
“It’s because I’ve spent so much time alone. I’ve never had more than one or two friends, and I get ridiculously jealous when you want to leave me and hang out with other people. I can’t connect with them. I’m not cut out for socializing. If I hadn’t met you in that unusual way, by chance, I would never have been able to get married. If I let you have these friends—”
“I don’t like to hear that word. Why should you say allow? Do you think of me as your servant, Edmund?”
“I really don’t like that word. Why would you say allow? Do you see me as your servant, Edmund?”
“You know how I think of you. It is I who am your servant, your slave.”
“You know how I feel about you. I’m the one who is your servant, your slave.”
“Oh, I can’t believe that!” She pressed her handkerchief to her cheeks, and laughed unnaturally. “Such words don’t mean anything. It is you who forbid and allow and command, and—”
“Oh, I can’t believe that!” She pressed her tissue to her cheeks and laughed in a forced way. “Those words don’t mean anything. It’s you who forbids and allows and commands, and—”
“I will never again use such words. Only convince me that you love me as much as ever.”
"I'll never use those words again. Just convince me that you still love me as much as you always did."
“It is so miserable to begin quarrelling—”
“It’s so depressing to start arguing—”
“Never again! Say you love me! Put your arms round my neck—press closer to me—”
“Never again! Tell me you love me! Wrap your arms around my neck—come closer to me—”
She kissed his cheek, but did not utter a word.
She kissed his cheek but didn’t say a word.
“You can’t say that you love me?”
“You can't say that you love me?”
“I think I am always showing it. Do get ready for dinner now; it’s past seven. Oh, how foolish you have been!”
“I think I’m always making it obvious. Get ready for dinner now; it’s past seven. Oh, how foolish you’ve been!”
Of course their talk lasted half through the night. Monica held with remarkable firmness to the position she had taken; a much older woman might have envied her steadfast yet quite rational assertion of the right to live a life of her own apart from that imposed upon her by the duties of wedlock. A great deal of this spirit and the utterance it found was traceable to her association with the women whom Widdowson so deeply suspected; prior to her sojourn in Rutland Street she could not even have made clear to herself the demands which she now very clearly formulated. Believing that she had learnt nothing from them, and till of late instinctively opposing the doctrines held by Miss Barfoot and Rhoda Nunn, Monica in truth owed the sole bit of real education she had ever received to those few weeks of attendance in Great Portland Street. Circumstances were now proving how apt a pupil she had been, even against her will. Marriage, as is always the case with women capable of development, made for her a new heaven and a new earth; perhaps on no single subject did she now think as on the morning of her wedding-day.
Of course, their conversation lasted well into the night. Monica clung to her stance with remarkable determination; even a much older woman might have envied her steady yet rational claim to live a life of her own, separate from the responsibilities of marriage. A lot of this spirit and the way she expressed it came from her association with the women that Widdowson was so suspicious of; before her time on Rutland Street, she wouldn’t have even been able to articulate the demands she now clearly defined. Although she believed she hadn’t learned anything from them and had instinctively opposed the views held by Miss Barfoot and Rhoda Nunn until recently, Monica actually owed her only real education to those few weeks spent in Great Portland Street. Circumstances were now showing how quick a learner she had been, even against her own wishes. Marriage, as is often true for women who are capable of growth, opened up a new world for her; perhaps on no single topic did she think differently than she had on the morning of her wedding day.
“You must either trust me completely,” she said, “or not at all. If you can’t and won’t trust me, how can I possibly love you?”
“You have to either trust me completely,” she said, “or not at all. If you can’t and won’t trust me, how can I possibly love you?”
“Am I never to advise?” asked her husband, baffled, and even awed, by this extraordinary revelation of a woman he had supposed himself to know thoroughly.
“Am I never allowed to give advice?” her husband asked, confused and even impressed by this surprising revelation about a woman he thought he knew well.
“Oh, that’s a very different thing from forbidding and commanding!” she laughed. “There was that novel this morning. Of course I know as well as you do that “Guy Mannering” is better; but that doesn’t say I am not to form my opinion of other books. You mustn’t be afraid to leave me the same freedom you have yourself.”
“Oh, that’s totally different from just forbidding and commanding!” she laughed. “There was that novel this morning. Of course, I know just as well as you that ‘Guy Mannering’ is better; but that doesn’t mean I can’t have my own opinions about other books. You shouldn’t be afraid to give me the same freedom you have.”
The result of it all was that Widdowson felt his passionate love glow with new fire. For a moment he thought himself capable of accepting this change in their relations. The marvellous thought of equality between man and wife, that gospel which in far-off days will refashion the world, for an instant smote his imagination and exalted him above his native level.
The outcome of everything was that Widdowson felt his intense love reignite with a new passion. For a moment, he believed he could accept this shift in their relationship. The amazing idea of equality between husband and wife, that principle which will one day reshape the world, briefly struck his imagination and lifted him above his usual self.
Monica paid for the energy she had put forth by a day of suffering. Her head ached intolerably; she had feverish symptoms, and could hardly raise herself from the bed. It passed, and she was once more eager to go forth under the blue sky that followed the tempest.
Monica paid for the energy she had spent with a day of suffering. Her head throbbed painfully; she had feverish symptoms and could barely lift herself from the bed. It passed, and she was once again eager to step out under the blue sky that followed the storm.
“Will you go with me to Mrs. Cosgrove’s this evening?” she asked of her husband.
“Are you coming with me to Mrs. Cosgrove’s tonight?” she asked her husband.
He consented, and after dinner they sought the hotel where their acquaintance was staying. Widdowson was in extreme discomfort, partly due to the fact that he had no dress clothes to put on; for far from anticipating or desiring any such intercourse in Guernsey, he had never thought of packing an evening suit. Had he known Mrs. Cosgrove this uneasiness would have been spared him. That lady was in revolt against far graver institutions than the swallow-tail; she cared not a button in what garb her visitors came to her. On their arrival, they found, to Widdowson’s horror, a room full of women. With the hostess was that younger lady they had seen on the quay, Mrs. Cosgrove’s unmarried sister; Miss Knott’s health had demanded this retreat from the London winter. The guests were four—a Mrs. Bevis and her three daughters—all invalidish persons, the mother somewhat lackadaisical, the girls with a look of unwilling spinsterhood.
He agreed, and after dinner they looked for the hotel where their acquaintance was staying. Widdowson felt extremely uncomfortable, partly because he didn't have formal clothes to wear; he had never expected or wanted to attend any such gathering in Guernsey and hadn’t thought to pack an evening suit. If he had known Mrs. Cosgrove, he would have avoided this anxiety. That lady was rebelling against much more significant issues than formalwear; she didn’t care at all about how her guests showed up. When they arrived, Widdowson was horrified to discover a room full of women. Along with the hostess was that younger lady they had seen by the quay, Mrs. Cosgrove’s unmarried sister; Miss Knott’s health required her to escape the London winter. The guests included four people—a Mrs. Bevis and her three daughters—all of whom were somewhat sickly, the mother appearing a bit dreamy, and the daughters looking like they were reluctantly unmarried.
Monica, noteworthy among the gathering for her sweet, bright prettiness, and the finish of her dress, soon made herself at home; she chatted gaily with the girls—wondering indeed at her own air of maturity, which came to her for the first time. Mrs. Cosgrove, an easy woman of the world when circumstances required it, did her best to get something out of Widdowson who presently thawed a little.
Monica, standing out in the crowd with her sweet, vibrant beauty and the elegance of her dress, quickly made herself comfortable; she happily chatted with the other girls—actually surprised by her own sense of maturity, which felt new to her. Mrs. Cosgrove, a laid-back socialite when the situation called for it, did her best to get something out of Widdowson, who eventually warmed up a bit.
Then Miss Knott sat down to the piano, and played more than tolerably well; and the youngest Miss Bevis sang a song of Schubert, with passable voice but in very distressing German—the sole person distressed by it being the hostess.
Then Miss Knott sat down at the piano and played quite well; the youngest Miss Bevis sang a Schubert song, with a decent voice but in very awkward German—the only person bothered by it was the hostess.
Meanwhile Monica had been captured by Mrs. Bevis, who discoursed to her on a subject painfully familiar to all the old lady’s friends.
Meanwhile, Monica had been taken captive by Mrs. Bevis, who talked to her about a subject that was painfully familiar to all the old lady’s friends.
“Do you know my son, Mrs. Widdowson? Oh, I thought you had perhaps met him. You will do so this evening, I hope. He is over here on a fortnight’s holiday.”
“Do you know my son, Mrs. Widdowson? Oh, I thought you might have met him. You'll meet him this evening, I hope. He's here for a two-week vacation.”
“Do you live in Guernsey?” Monica inquired.
“Do you live in Guernsey?” Monica asked.
“I practically live here, and one of my daughters is always with me. The other two live with their brother in a flat in Bayswater. Do you care for flats, Mrs. Widdowson?”
“I practically live here, and one of my daughters is always with me. The other two live with their brother in an apartment in Bayswater. Do you like apartments, Mrs. Widdowson?”
Monica could only say that she had no experience of that institution.
Monica could only say that she had no experience with that institution.
“I do think them such a boon,” pursued Mrs. Bevis. “They are expensive but the advantages and comforts are so many. My son wouldn’t on any consideration give up his flat. As I was saying, he always has two of his sisters to keep house for him. He is quite a young man, not yet thirty, but—would you believe it?—we are all dependent upon him! My son has supported the whole of the family for the last six or seven years, and that by his own work. It sounds incredible, doesn’t it? But for him we should be quite unable to live. The dear girls have very delicate health; simply impossible for them to exert themselves in any way. My son has made extraordinary sacrifices on our account. His desire was to be a professional musician, and every one thinks he would have become eminent; myself, I am convinced of it—perhaps that is only natural. But when our circumstances began to grow very doubtful, and we really didn’t know what was before us, my son consented to follow a business career—that of wine merchant, with which his father was connected. And he exerted himself so nobly, and gave proof of such ability, that very soon all our fears were at an end; and now, before he is thirty, his position is quite assured. We have no longer a care. I live here very economically—really sweet lodgings on the road to St. Martin’s; I do hope you will come and see me. And the girls go backwards and forwards. You see we are all here at present. When my son returns to London he will take the eldest and the youngest with him. The middle girl, dear Grace—she is thought very clever in water-colours, and I am quite sure, if it were necessary, she could pursue the arts in a professional spirit.”
“I really think they’re such a blessing,” Mrs. Bevis continued. “They are pricey, but the benefits and comforts are countless. My son wouldn’t give up his apartment for anything. As I mentioned, he always has two of his sisters to help run the household. He’s quite young, not even thirty, but—believe it or not—we all rely on him! My son has supported the entire family for the past six or seven years, and that’s all thanks to his hard work. It sounds unbelievable, doesn’t it? Without him, we wouldn’t be able to get by. The dear girls have very fragile health; it’s just impossible for them to do any heavy lifting. My son has made incredible sacrifices for us. He wanted to be a professional musician, and everyone thinks he would have been successful; I believe that too—perhaps that’s just natural for a mother. But when our situation started to look uncertain, and we honestly didn’t know what would happen, my son agreed to pursue a business career—specifically as a wine merchant, which is what his father was involved with. He put in so much effort and showed such talent that soon all our worries were gone; and now, before he turns thirty, he has a secure position. We no longer have to worry. I live here quite frugally—in really lovely lodgings on the way to St. Martin’s; I do hope you’ll come to visit me. And the girls go back and forth. You see we are all here at the moment. When my son goes back to London, he’ll take the eldest and the youngest with him. The middle girl, dear Grace—she’s considered very talented in watercolors, and I’m sure, if necessary, she could pursue the arts professionally.”
Mr. Bevis entered the room, and Monica recognized the sprightly young man whom she had seen on the quay. The hostess presented him to her new friends, and he got into talk with Widdowson. Requested to make music for the company, he sang a gay little piece, which, to Monica at all events, seemed one of the most delightful things she had ever heard.
Mr. Bevis walked into the room, and Monica recognized the lively young man she had seen at the quay. The hostess introduced him to her new friends, and he started chatting with Widdowson. When asked to play some music for everyone, he sang a cheerful little song that, to Monica at least, felt like one of the most enjoyable things she had ever heard.
“His own composition,” whispered Miss Grace Bevis, then sitting by Mrs. Widdowson.
“His own composition,” whispered Miss Grace Bevis, who was sitting next to Mrs. Widdowson.
That increased her delight. Foolish as Mrs. Bevis undoubtedly was, she perchance had not praised her son beyond his merits. He looked the best of good fellows; so kind and merry and spirited; such a capable man, too. It struck Monica as a very hard fate that he should have this family on his hands. What they must cost him! Probably he could not think of marrying, just on their account.
That made her even happier. As foolish as Mrs. Bevis clearly was, she probably hadn't overpraised her son. He looked like a great guy—so kind, cheerful, and full of life; he was a really capable man, too. Monica thought it was really unfair that he had to deal with this family. She wondered how much they must cost him! He probably couldn't even think about getting married because of them.
Mr. Bevis came and took a place by her side.
Mr. Bevis arrived and sat down next to her.
“Thank you so very much,” she said, “for that charming song. Is it published?”
“Thank you so much,” she said, “for that lovely song. Is it published?”
“Oh dear, no!” He laughed and shook his thick hair about. “It’s one of two or three that I somehow struck out when I was studying in Germany, ages ago. You play, I hope?”
“Oh no way!” He laughed and tossed his thick hair around. “It’s one of the two or three that I unexpectedly missed when I was studying in Germany, ages ago. You play, I hope?”
Monica gave a sad negative.
Monica gave a sad no.
“Oh, what does it matter? There are hosts of people who will always be overjoyed to play when you ask them. It would be a capital thing if only those children were allowed to learn an instrument who showed genuine talent for music.”
“Oh, what does it matter? There are plenty of people who will always be happy to play when you ask them. It would be great if only those kids who really have a talent for music were allowed to learn an instrument.”
“In that case,” said Monica, “there certainly wouldn’t be hosts of people ready to play for me.”
“In that case,” Monica said, “there definitely wouldn’t be a lot of people willing to play for me.”
“No.” His merry laugh was repeated. “You mustn’t mind when I contradict myself; it’s one of my habits. Are you here for the whole winter?”
“No.” His cheerful laugh came again. “You shouldn’t take it personally when I contradict myself; it’s one of my quirks. Are you going to be here for the entire winter?”
“Only a few weeks, unfortunately.”
"Only a few weeks, sadly."
“And do you dread the voyage back?”
“And are you worried about the trip back?”
“To tell the truth, I do. I had a very unpleasant time coming.”
“To be honest, I do. I had a really unpleasant time coming.”
“As for myself, how I ever undertake the thing I really don’t know. One of these times I shall die; there’s not a shadow of doubt of that. The girls always have to carry me ashore, one holding me by the hair and one by the boots. Happily, I am so emaciated that my weight doesn’t distress them. I pick up flesh in a day or two, and then my health is stupendous—as at present. You see how marvellously fit I look.”
“As for me, I honestly don’t know how I manage to do this. One of these days, I’m going to die; there’s no doubt about that. The girls always have to drag me ashore, one by my hair and the other by my boots. Thankfully, I’m so skinny that my weight doesn’t bother them. I gain weight back in a day or two, and then I feel great—just like now. You can see how incredibly fit I look.”
“Yes, you look very well,” replied Monica, glancing at the fair, comely face.
“Yes, you look great,” replied Monica, glancing at the pretty, attractive face.
“It’s deceptive. All our family have wretched constitutions. If I go to work regularly for a couple of months without a holiday, I sink into absolute decrepitude. An office-chair has been specially made for me, to hold me up at the desk.—I beg your pardon for this clowning, Mrs. Widdowson,” he suddenly added in another voice. “The air puts me in such spirits. What air it is! Speaking quite seriously, my mother was saved by coming to live here. We believed her to be dying, and now I have hopes that she will live ever so many years longer.”
“It’s misleading. Our whole family has terrible health. If I work consistently for a couple of months without a break, I feel worn out. They even made a special office chair for me to support me at my desk.—I’m sorry for joking around, Mrs. Widdowson,” he suddenly said in a different tone. “The fresh air lifts my mood. What amazing air it is! Honestly, my mother’s health improved after she moved here. We thought she was on her last legs, and now I’m hopeful she’ll live for many more years.”
He spoke of his mother with evident affection, glancing kindly towards her with his blue eyes.
He talked about his mom with clear affection, looking at her kindly with his blue eyes.
Only once or twice had Monica ventured to exchange a glance with her husband. It satisfied her that he managed to converse; what his mood really was could not be determined until afterwards. When they were about to leave she saw him, to her surprise, speaking quite pleasantly with Mr. Bevis. A carriage was procured to convey them home, and as soon as they had started, Monica asked her husband, with a merry look, how he had enjoyed himself.
Only a couple of times had Monica dared to exchange a glance with her husband. It made her happy that he was able to engage in conversation; what his true feelings were couldn’t be figured out until later. Just before they were about to leave, she was surprised to see him chatting quite pleasantly with Mr. Bevis. A carriage was arranged to take them home, and as soon as they set off, Monica asked her husband, with a cheerful expression, how he had enjoyed himself.
“There is not much harm in it,” he replied dryly.
“There’s not much harm in it,” he replied flatly.
“Harm? How like you, Edmund, to put it that way! Now confess you will be glad to go again.”
“Harm? How typical of you, Edmund, to say it like that! Now admit you’ll be happy to go again.”
“I shall go if you wish.”
"I'll go if you want to."
“Unsatisfactory man! You can’t bring yourself to admit that it was pleasant to be among new people. I believe, in your heart, you think all enjoyment is wrong. The music was nice, wasn’t it?”
“Unpleasant guy! You can’t even admit that it was nice to be around new people. I really think, deep down, you believe all enjoyment is bad. The music was great, wasn’t it?”
“I didn’t think much of the girl’s singing, but that fellow Bevis wasn’t bad.”
“I didn’t think the girl’s singing was that great, but that guy Bevis wasn’t bad.”
Monica examined him as he spoke, and seemed to suppress a laugh.
Monica looked at him while he talked, and appeared to hold back a laugh.
“No, he wasn’t at all bad. I saw you talking with Mrs. Bevis. Did she tell you anything about her wonderful son?”
“No, he wasn’t bad at all. I saw you chatting with Mrs. Bevis. Did she mention anything about her amazing son?”
“Nothing particular.”
"Nothing special."
“Oh, then I must tell you the whole story.”
“Oh, then I have to share the whole story with you.”
And she did so, in a tone half of jest, half of serious approval.
And she did that, with a tone that was half joking and half genuinely approving.
“I don’t see that he has done anything more than his duty,” remarked Widdowson at the end. “But he isn’t a bad fellow.”
“I don’t think he’s done anything beyond his responsibilities,” Widdowson said at the end. “But he’s not a bad guy.”
For private reasons, Monica contrasted this attitude towards Bevis with the disfavour her husband had shown to Mr. Barfoot, and was secretly much amused.
For personal reasons, Monica compared this attitude towards Bevis with the disapproval her husband had expressed towards Mr. Barfoot, and she was secretly quite entertained.
Two or three days after they went to spend the morning at Petit Bot Bay, and there encountered with Bevis and his three sisters. The result was an invitation to go back and have lunch at Mrs. Bevis’s lodgings; they accepted it, and remained with their acquaintances till dusk. The young man’s holiday was at an end; next morning he would face the voyage which he had depicted so grotesquely.
Two or three days after they spent the morning at Petit Bot Bay, they met Bevis and his three sisters. This led to an invitation to return for lunch at Mrs. Bevis’s place; they accepted and stayed with their new friends until dark. The young man’s holiday was coming to an end; the next morning, he would have to confront the journey he had described so humorously.
“And alone!” he lamented to Monica. “Only think of it. The girls are all rather below par just now; they had better stay here for the present.”
“And alone!” he complained to Monica. “Just think about it. The girls are all feeling a bit off right now; it’s better if they stay here for now.”
“And in London you will be alone too?”
“And in London, you'll be alone too?”
“Yes. It’s very sad. I must bear up under it. The worst of it is, I am naturally subject to depression. In solitude I sink, sink. But the subject is too painful. Don’t let us darken the last hours with such reflections.”
“Yes. It’s really sad. I have to deal with it. The worst part is that I tend to get depressed easily. When I’m alone, I just sink deeper and deeper. But this topic is too painful. Let’s not ruin our final moments with those thoughts.”
Widdowson retained his indulgent opinion of the facetious young wine merchant. He even laughed now and then in recalling some phrase or other that Bevis had used to him.
Widdowson kept his generous view of the playful young wine merchant. He even chuckled occasionally when he remembered some phrase or another that Bevis had said to him.
Subsequently, Monica had several long conversations with the old lady. Impelled to gossipy frankness about all her affairs, Mrs. Bevis allowed it to be understood that the chief reason for two of the girls always being with their brother was the possibility thus afforded of their “meeting people”—that is to say, of their having a chance of marriage. Mrs. Cosgrove and one or two other ladies did them social service.
Subsequently, Monica had several long conversations with the old lady. Encouraged to be openly chatty about her life, Mrs. Bevis made it clear that the main reason for two of the girls constantly being around their brother was the opportunity to "meet people"—in other words, to potentially find a husband. Mrs. Cosgrove and a few other women helped them with their social life.
“They never will marry!” said Monica to her husband, rather thoughtfully than with commiseration.
“They’re never going to marry!” said Monica to her husband, more thoughtfully than with sympathy.
“Why not? They are nice enough girls.”
"Why not? They're great girls."
“Yes, but they have no money; and”—she smiled—“people see that they want to find husbands.”
“Yes, but they don’t have any money; and”—she smiled—“people can tell that they’re looking for husbands.”
“I don’t see that the first matters; and the second is only natural.”
“I don’t think the first one matters; and the second one is just natural.”
Monica attempted no rejoinder, but said presently—
Monica didn't respond, but after a moment, she said—
“Now they are just the kind of women who ought to find something to do.”
“Now they are exactly the kind of women who need to find something to do.”
“Something to do? Why, they attend to their mother and their brother. What could be more proper?”
“Something to do? Well, they take care of their mom and their brother. What could be more reasonable?”
“Very proper, perhaps. But they are miserable, and always will be.”
“Maybe that’s true. But they’re unhappy, and they always will be.”
“Then they have no right to be miserable. They are doing their duty, and that ought to keep them cheerful.”
“Then they have no right to be miserable. They are doing their job, and that should keep them happy.”
Monica could have said many things, but she overcame the desire, and laughed the subject aside.
Monica could have said a lot, but she pushed the urge down and laughed it off.
CHAPTER XVII
THE TRIUMPH
Nor till mid-winter did Barfoot again see his friends the Micklethwaites. By invitation he went to South Tottenham on New Year’s Eve, and dined with them at seven o’clock. He was the first guest that had entered the house since their marriage.
Nor until mid-winter did Barfoot see his friends the Micklethwaites again. He received an invitation to South Tottenham on New Year’s Eve and had dinner with them at seven o’clock. He was the first guest to enter the house since their marriage.
From the very doorstep Everard became conscious of a domestic atmosphere that told soothingly upon his nerves. The little servant who opened to him exhibited a gentle, noiseless demeanour which was no doubt the result of careful discipline. Micklethwaite himself, who at once came out into the passage, gave proof of a like influence; his hearty greeting was spoken in soft tones; a placid happiness beamed from his face. In the sitting-room (Micklethwaite’s study, used for reception because the other had to serve as dining-room) tempered lamplight and the glow of a hospitable fire showed the hostess and her blind sister standing in expectation; to Everard’s eyes both of them looked far better in health than a few months ago. Mrs. Micklethwaite was no longer so distressingly old; an expression that resembled girlish pleasure lit up her countenance as she stepped forward; nay, if he mistook not, there came a gentle warmth to her cheek, and the momentary downward glance was as graceful and modest as in a youthful bride. Never had Barfoot approached a woman with more finished courtesy, the sincere expression of his feeling. The blind sister he regarded in like spirit; his voice touched its softest note as he held her hand for a moment and replied to her pleasant words.
From the moment Everard stepped inside, he felt a comforting homey vibe that calmed his nerves. The young servant who greeted him had a gentle and quiet demeanor, clearly the result of careful training. Micklethwaite himself came into the hallway and showed a similar effect; his warm greeting was delivered in soft tones, and a calm happiness radiated from his face. In the living room (Micklethwaite’s study, which was used for welcoming guests since the other room had to serve as the dining room), the dim light of the lamp and the warm glow of a welcoming fire revealed the hostess and her blind sister waiting expectantly; Everard noticed that both looked much healthier than they had a few months ago. Mrs. Micklethwaite appeared less distressingly aged; a look that resembled youthful joy lit up her face as she stepped forward; in fact, if he wasn’t mistaken, there was a gentle flush on her cheek, and her momentary downward glance was as graceful and modest as a young bride’s. Never had Barfoot approached a woman with such refined courtesy, genuinely expressing his feelings. He regarded the blind sister similarly; his voice took on its softest tone as he held her hand for a moment and responded to her kind words.
No undue indication of poverty disturbed him. He saw that the house had been improved in many ways since Mrs. Micklethwaite had taken possession of it; pictures, ornaments, pieces of furniture were added, all in simple taste, but serving to heighten the effect of refined comfort. Where the average woman would have displayed pretentious emptiness, Mrs. Micklethwaite had made a home which in its way was beautiful. The dinner, which she herself had cooked, and which she assisted in serving, aimed at being no more than a simple, decorous meal, but the guest unfeignedly enjoyed it; even the vegetables and the bread seemed to him to have a daintier flavour than at many a rich table. He could not help noticing and admiring the skill with which Miss Wheatley ate without seeing what was before her; had he not known her misfortune, he would hardly have become aware of it by any peculiarity as she sat opposite to him.
No obvious signs of poverty bothered him. He noticed that the house had been improved in many ways since Mrs. Micklethwaite moved in; pictures, ornaments, and pieces of furniture were added, all in a simple style that enhanced the feeling of refined comfort. While the average woman might have shown off an empty space, Mrs. Micklethwaite created a home that was beautiful in its own right. The dinner, which she had cooked and helped to serve, aimed to be nothing more than a simple, tasteful meal, but the guest genuinely enjoyed it; even the vegetables and bread seemed to have a more delicate flavor than at many lavish tables. He couldn't help but notice and admire the skill with which Miss Wheatley ate without looking at what was in front of her; had he not known about her condition, he would hardly have realized it from any noticeable difference as she sat across from him.
The mathematician had learnt to sit upon a chair like ordinary mortals. For the first week or two it must have cost him severe restraint; now he betrayed no temptation to roll and jerk and twist himself. When the ladies retired, he reached from the sideboard a box which Barfoot viewed with uneasiness.
The mathematician had learned to sit in a chair like regular people. For the first week or two, it must have taken a lot of self-control; now he showed no urge to roll or jerk or twist around. When the ladies left the room, he grabbed a box from the sideboard that Barfoot looked at uneasily.
“Do you smoke here—in this room?”
“Do you smoke in here—in this room?”
“Oh, why not?”
"Why not?"
Everard glanced at the pretty curtains before the windows.
Everard looked at the nice curtains in front of the windows.
“No, my boy, you do not smoke here. And, in fact, I like your claret; I won’t spoil the flavour of it.”
“No, my boy, you can’t smoke here. And actually, I enjoy your claret; I won’t ruin its flavor.”
“As you please; but I think Fanny will be distressed.”
“As you wish; but I believe Fanny will be upset.”
“You shall say that I have abandoned the weed.”
“You should say that I have given up the weed.”
Emotions were at conflict in Micklethwaite’s mind, but finally he beamed with gratitude.
Emotions were conflicting in Micklethwaite’s mind, but finally he smiled with gratitude.
“Barfoot”—he bent forward and touched his friend’s arm—“there are angels walking the earth in this our day. Science hasn’t abolished them, my dear fellow, and I don’t think it ever will.”
“Barfoot”—he leaned in and touched his friend’s arm—“there are angels walking the earth today. Science hasn’t gotten rid of them, my dear friend, and I don’t believe it ever will.”
“It falls to the lot of but few men to encounter them, and of fewer still to entertain them permanently in a cottage at South Tottenham.”
“It’s rare for most people to meet them, and even rarer for anyone to host them permanently in a cottage in South Tottenham.”
“You are right.” Micklethwaite laughed in a new way, with scarcely any sound; a change Everard had already noticed. “These two sisters—but I had better not speak about them. In my old age I have become a worshipper, a mystic, a man of dream and vision.”
“You're right.” Micklethwaite laughed differently this time, almost silently; a shift that Everard had already picked up on. “These two sisters—but I’d better not discuss them. In my old age, I've turned into a worshipper, a mystic, a man of dreams and visions.”
“How about worship in a parochial sense?” inquired Barfoot, smiling. “Any difficulty of that point?”
“How about worship in a local sense?” Barfoot asked, smiling. “Is there any issue with that idea?”
“I conform, in moderation. Nothing would be asked of me. There is no fanaticism, no intolerance. It would be brutal if I declined to go to church on a Sunday morning. You see, my strictly scientific attitude helps in avoiding offence. Fanny can’t understand it, but my lack of dogmatism vastly relieves her. I have been trying to explain to her that the scientific mind can have nothing to do with materialism. The new order of ideas is of course very difficult for her to grasp; but in time, in time.”
“I fit in, but just enough. Nobody expects too much from me. There’s no extremism or intolerance. It would be harsh if I refused to go to church on a Sunday morning. You see, my strictly scientific mindset helps me avoid causing offense. Fanny can’t get it, but my lack of rigid beliefs makes her feel a lot better. I’ve been trying to explain to her that a scientific perspective isn’t the same as materialism. The new way of thinking is obviously hard for her to understand, but eventually, with time.”
“For heaven’s sake, don’t attempt conversion!”
“For heaven's sake, don’t try to change me!”
“On no account whatever. But I should like her to see what is meant by perception and conception, by the relativity of time and space—and a few simple things of that kind!”
“Under no circumstances. But I would like her to understand what is meant by perception and conception, by the relativity of time and space—and a few simple concepts like that!”
Barfoot laughed heartily.
Barfoot laughed loudly.
“By-the-bye,” he said, shifting to safer ground, “my brother Tom is in London, and in wretched health. His angel is from the wrong quarter, from the nethermost pit. I seriously believe that she has a plan for killing her husband. You remember my mentioning in a letter his horse-accident? He has never recovered from that, and as likely as not never will. His wife brought him away from Madeira just when he ought to have stopped there to get well. He settled himself at Torquay, whilst that woman ran about to pay visits. It was understood that she should go back to him at Torquay, but this she at length refused to do. The place was too dull; it didn’t suit her extremely delicate health; she must live in London, her pure native air. If Tom had taken any advice, he would have let her live just where she pleased, thanking Heaven that she was at a distance from him. But the poor fellow can’t be away from her. He has come up, and here I feel convinced he will die. It’s a very monstrous thing, but uncommonly like women in general who have got a man into their power.”
“By the way,” he said, shifting to safer ground, “my brother Tom is in London and in terrible health. His angel is from the wrong place, from the deepest part of hell. I honestly believe she has a plan to kill her husband. You remember me mentioning his horse accident in a letter? He hasn’t recovered from that and probably never will. His wife took him away from Madeira just when he should have stayed there to get better. He settled in Torquay while that woman ran around visiting people. It was agreed she would return to him in Torquay, but eventually, she refused. The place was too boring; it didn’t suit her very delicate health; she had to live in London, her true native air. If Tom had taken any advice, he would have let her live wherever she wanted, thanking heaven that she was far away from him. But the poor guy can’t be away from her. He’s come here, and I really believe he will die. It’s completely monstrous, but it’s all too typical of women in general who have a man under their control.”
Micklethwaite shook his head.
Micklethwaite shook his head.
“You are too hard upon them. You have been unlucky. You know my view of your duty.”
“You're being too tough on them. You've just had some bad luck. You know how I see your responsibility.”
“I begin to think that marriage isn’t impossible for me,” said Barfoot, with a grave smile.
“I’m starting to think that marriage could actually be an option for me,” said Barfoot, with a serious smile.
“Ha! Capital!”
“Ha! Awesome!”
“But as likely as not it will be marriage without forms—simply a free union.”
“But it's just as likely that it will be a marriage without any formalities—just a free partnership.”
The mathematician was downcast.
The mathematician was upset.
“I’m sorry to hear that. It won’t do. We must conform. Besides, in that case the person decidedly isn’t suitable to you. You of all men must marry a lady.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. That’s not going to work. We have to fit in. Besides, in that situation, that person definitely isn’t right for you. You, of all people, need to marry a lady.”
“I should never think of any one that wasn’t a lady.”
“I should never think of anyone who wasn't a lady.”
“Is emancipation getting as far as that? Do ladies enter into that kind of union?”
“Is emancipation really going that far? Do women engage in that kind of partnership?”
“I don’t know of any example. That’s just why the idea tempts me.” Barfoot would go no further in explanation.
“I don’t know of any example. That’s exactly why the idea intrigues me.” Barfoot wouldn’t explain any further.
“How about your new algebra?”
“What's up with your new algebra?”
“Alas! My dear boy, the temptation is so frightful—when I get back home. Remember that I have never known what it was to sit and talk through the evening with ordinary friends, let alone—It’s too much for me just yet. And, you know, I don’t venture to work on Sundays. That will come; all in good time. I must grant myself half a year of luxury after such a life as mine has been.”
“Wow! My dear boy, the temptation is so overwhelming—when I get back home. Keep in mind that I’ve never experienced what it’s like to sit and chat through the evening with regular friends, not to mention—It’s too much for me right now. Plus, you know I don’t dare to work on Sundays. That will happen; all in good time. I need to allow myself six months of indulgence after the life I’ve had.”
“Of course you must. Let algebra wait.”
“Of course you have to. Let algebra wait.”
“I think it over, of course, at odd moments. Church on Sunday morning is a good opportunity.”
“I think about it sometimes, of course, at random moments. Church on Sunday morning is a good chance.”
Barfoot could not stay to see the old year out, but good wishes were none the less heartily exchanged before he went. Micklethwaite walked with him to the railway station; at a few paces’ distance from his house he stood and pointed back to it.
Barfoot couldn't stay to ring in the new year, but they exchanged warm wishes nonetheless before he left. Micklethwaite walked with him to the train station; a short distance from the house, he paused and pointed back at it.
“That little place, Barfoot, is one of the sacred spots of the earth. Strange to think that the house has been waiting for me there through all the years of my hopelessness. I feel that a mysterious light ought to shine about it. It oughtn’t to look just like common houses.”
“That little place, Barfoot, is one of the special spots on earth. It’s strange to think that the house has been waiting for me there all those years I felt hopeless. I think there should be a mysterious light shining around it. It shouldn’t look like an ordinary house.”
On his way home Everard thought over what he had seen and heard, smiling good-naturedly. Well, that was one ideal of marriage. Not his ideal; but very beautiful amid the vulgarities and vileness of ordinary experience. It was the old fashion in its purest presentment; the consecrated form of domestic happiness, removed beyond reach of satire, only to be touched, if touched at all, with the very gentlest irony.
On his way home, Everard reflected on what he had seen and heard, smiling kindly. Well, that was one view of marriage. Not his view; but very beautiful compared to the crudities and ugliness of everyday life. It was the old-fashioned ideal in its purest form; the sacred version of domestic happiness, beyond the grasp of mockery, only to be approached, if at all, with the softest irony.
A life by no means for him. If he tried it, even with a woman so perfect, he would perish of ennui. For him marriage must not mean repose, inevitably tending to drowsiness, but the mutual incitement of vigorous minds. Passion—yes, there must be passion, at all events to begin with; passion not impossible of revival in days subsequent to its first indulgence. Beauty in the academic sense he no longer demanded; enough that the face spoke eloquently, that the limbs were vigorous. Let beauty perish if it cannot ally itself with mind; be a woman what else she may, let her have brains and the power of using them! In that demand the maturity of his manhood expressed itself. For casual amour the odalisque could still prevail with him; but for the life of wedlock, the durable companionship of man and woman, intellect was his first requirement.
A life that certainly wasn’t for him. If he tried it, even with a woman so perfect, he would die of boredom. For him, marriage couldn't just mean rest, leading to laziness, but rather the exciting collaboration of strong minds. Passion—yes, there needed to be passion, at least to start; a passion that could be rekindled even after the initial spark. He no longer expected beauty in the traditional sense; it was enough that the face communicated well and that the body was strong. Let beauty fade if it can't connect with intelligence; no matter what else she might be, she must have brains and know how to use them! His desire reflected the maturity of his manhood. For a casual affair, a captivating courtesan could still attract him; but for the lifelong partnership of a man and a woman, intellect was his top priority.
A woman with man’s capability of understanding and reasoning; free from superstition, religious or social; far above the ignoble weaknesses which men have been base enough to idealize in her sex. A woman who would scorn the vulgarism of jealousy, and yet know what it is to love. This was asking much of nature and civilization; did he grossly deceive himself in thinking he had found the paragon?
A woman with the same ability to understand and reason as a man; free from superstition, whether religious or social; far beyond the shameful weaknesses that men have callously idealized in her gender. A woman who would reject the crudeness of jealousy, yet still understand what it means to love. This was a lot to expect from nature and society; was he fooling himself into thinking he had found the perfect example?
For thus far had he advanced in his thoughts of Rhoda Nunn. If the phrase had any meaning, he was in love with her; yet, strange complex of emotions, he was still only half serious in his desire to take her for a wife, wishing rather to amuse and flatter himself by merely inspiring her with passion. Therefore he refused to entertain a thought of formal marriage. To obtain her consent to marriage would mean nothing at all; it would afford him no satisfaction. But so to play upon her emotions that the proud, intellectual, earnest woman was willing to defy society for his sake—ah! that would be an end worth achieving.
So far, he had thought a lot about Rhoda Nunn. If that phrase meant anything, he was in love with her; yet, in a strange mix of feelings, he was still only half-serious about wanting her as his wife, preferring instead to entertain and flatter himself by just stirring up her passion. So, he refused to consider the idea of formal marriage. Getting her consent to marry would mean nothing to him; it wouldn’t satisfy him at all. But to manipulate her feelings to the point where the proud, intelligent, earnest woman would be willing to go against society for him—now that would be a goal worth achieving.
Ever since the dialogue in which he frankly explained his position, and all but declared love, he had not once seen Rhoda in private. She shunned him purposely beyond a doubt, and did not that denote a fear of him justified by her inclination? The postponement of what must necessarily come to pass between them began to try his patience, as assuredly it inflamed his ardour. If no other resource offered, he would be obliged to make his cousin an accomplice by requesting her beforehand to leave him alone with Rhoda some evening when he had called upon them.
Ever since the conversation where he honestly laid out his feelings and almost confessed his love, he hadn’t seen Rhoda alone at all. She was definitely avoiding him on purpose, and didn’t that show a fear of him that matched her feelings? The delay of what was bound to happen between them was really testing his patience, while also intensifying his desire. If nothing else worked out, he would have to enlist his cousin’s help by asking her to leave him alone with Rhoda one evening when he visited them.
But it was time that chance favoured him, and his interview with Miss Nunn came about in a way he could not have foreseen.
But eventually, luck was on his side, and his meeting with Miss Nunn happened in a way he never could have predicted.
At the end of the first week of January he was invited to dine at Miss Barfoot’s. The afternoon had been foggy, and when he set forth there seemed to be some likelihood of a plague of choking darkness such as would obstruct traffic. As usual, he went by train to Sloane Square, purposing (for it was dry under foot, and he could not disregard small economies) to walk the short distance from there to Queen’s Road. On coming out from the station he found the fog so dense that it was doubtful whether he could reach his journey’s end. Cabs were not to be had; he must either explore the gloom, with risk of getting nowhere at all, or give it up and take a train back. But he longed too ardently for the sight of Rhoda to abandon his evening without an effort. Having with difficulty made his way into King’s Road, he found progress easier on account of the shop illuminations; the fog, however, was growing every moment more fearsome, and when he had to turn out of the highway his case appeared desperate. Literally he groped along, feeling the fronts of the houses. As under ordinary circumstances he would have had only just time enough to reach his cousin’s punctually, he must be very late: perhaps they would conclude that he had not ventured out on such a night, and were already dining without him. No matter; as well go one way as another now. After abandoning hope several times, and all but asphyxiated, he found by inquiry of a man with whom he collided that he was actually within a few doors of his destination. Another effort and he rang a joyous peal at the bell.
At the end of the first week of January, he was invited to dinner at Miss Barfoot's. The afternoon had been foggy, and when he set out, it seemed likely that a thick darkness would block traffic. As usual, he took the train to Sloane Square, planning (since it was dry underfoot and he wanted to save a bit of money) to walk the short distance from there to Queen’s Road. Upon exiting the station, he found the fog so thick that he doubted he could reach his destination. Cabs weren't available; he had to either venture into the gloom, risking not getting anywhere, or give up and take a train back. But he really wanted to see Rhoda, so he didn’t want to abandon his evening without trying. After struggling to find his way onto King’s Road, he found it easier to move because of the shop lights; however, the fog was becoming more menacing by the moment, and when he had to turn off the main road, things seemed pretty hopeless. He was literally feeling his way along, touching the fronts of the houses. Normally, he would just have enough time to reach his cousin's place on time, but now he probably was running very late: maybe they thought he hadn’t dared to go out on such a night and were already dining without him. No matter; he might as well go one way as another now. After losing hope several times and feeling close to asphyxiation, he discovered, after bumping into a man, that he was actually just a few doors away from his destination. With one more effort, he rang the bell with a cheerful burst.
A mistake. It was the wrong house, and he had to go two doors farther on.
A mistake. It was the wrong house, and he had to go two doors farther down.
This time he procured admittance to the familiar little hall. The servant smiled at him, but said nothing. He was led to the drawing-room, and there found Rhoda Nunn alone. This fact did not so much surprise him as Rhoda’s appearance. For the first time since he had known her, her dress was not uniform black; she wore a red silk blouse with a black skirt, and so admirable was the effect of this costume that he scarcely refrained from a delighted exclamation.
This time he managed to get into the familiar little hall. The servant smiled at him but didn’t say anything. He was taken to the drawing-room, where he found Rhoda Nunn alone. This fact didn’t surprise him as much as Rhoda’s appearance did. For the first time since he had known her, she wasn’t dressed in all black; she wore a red silk blouse with a black skirt, and the effect of her outfit was so striking that he could barely hold back a delighted exclamation.
Some concern was visible in her face.
Some worry was visible on her face.
“I am sorry to say,” were her first words, “that Miss Barfoot will not be here in time for dinner. She went to Faversham this morning, and ought to have been back about half-past seven. But a telegram came some time ago. A thick fog caused her to miss the train, and the next doesn’t reach Victoria till ten minutes past ten.”
“I’m sorry to say,” were her first words, “that Miss Barfoot won’t be back in time for dinner. She went to Faversham this morning and should have returned around seven-thirty. But a telegram arrived a while ago. A heavy fog made her miss the train, and the next one doesn’t get to Victoria until ten minutes after ten.”
It was now half-past eight; dinner had been appointed for the hour. Barfoot explained his lateness in arriving.
It was now 8:30; dinner was scheduled for that time. Barfoot explained why he was late in arriving.
“Is it so bad as that? I didn’t know.”
“Is it really that bad? I had no idea.”
The situation embarrassed both of them. Barfoot suspected a hope on Miss Nunn’s part that he would relieve her of his company, but, even had there been no external hindrance, he could not have relinquished the happy occasion. To use frankness was best.
The situation made both of them uncomfortable. Barfoot suspected that Miss Nunn hoped he would leave her alone, but even without any outside pressure, he couldn’t give up this enjoyable moment. Being honest was the best approach.
“Out of the question for me to leave the house,” he said, meeting her eyes and smiling. “You won’t be hard upon a starving man?”
“There's no way I'm leaving the house,” he said, looking into her eyes and smiling. “You won’t be tough on a starving man, will you?”
At once Rhoda made a pretence of having felt no hesitation.
Rhoda immediately acted as if she hadn't felt any hesitation.
“Oh, of course we will dine immediately.” She rang the bell. “Miss Barfoot took it for granted that I would represent her. Look, the fog is penetrating even to our fireside.”
“Oh, of course we’ll eat right away.” She rang the bell. “Miss Barfoot assumed I would be her representative. Look, the fog is even creeping into our cozy spot by the fire.”
“Cheerful, very. What is Mary doing at Faversham?”
“Very cheerful. What is Mary doing in Faversham?”
“Some one she has been corresponding with for some time begged her to go down and give an address to a number of ladies on—a certain subject.”
“Someone she's been in touch with for a while asked her to come down and give a talk to a group of women about—a specific topic.”
“Ah! Mary is on the way to become a celebrity.”
“Wow! Mary is on her way to becoming a celebrity.”
“Quite against her will, as you know.”
“Definitely not what she wanted, as you know.”
They went to dinner, and Barfoot, thoroughly enjoying the abnormal state of things, continued to talk of his cousin.
They went to dinner, and Barfoot, really enjoying the unusual situation, kept talking about his cousin.
“It seems to me that she can’t logically refuse to put herself forward. Work of her kind can’t be done in a corner. It isn’t a case of “Oh teach the orphan girl to sew.””
“It seems to me that she can't reasonably refuse to step up. The kind of work she does can't be done in secret. It's not just a matter of ‘Oh, teach the orphan girl to sew.’”
“I have used the same argument to her,” said Rhoda.
“I’ve used the same argument with her,” Rhoda said.
Her place at the head of the table had its full effect upon Everard’s imagination. Why should he hold by a resolve of which he did not absolutely approve the motive? Why not ask her simply to be his wife, and so remove one element of difficulty from his pursuit? True, he was wretchedly poor. Marrying on such an income, he would at once find his freedom restricted in every direction. But then, more likely than not, Rhoda had determined against marriage, and of him, especially, never thought for a moment as a possible husband. Well, that was what he wanted to ascertain.
Her position at the head of the table strongly influenced Everard's thoughts. Why should he stick to a decision he didn’t genuinely believe in? Why not just ask her to be his wife and eliminate one of the challenges in his pursuit? Sure, he was extremely poor. Marrying on that kind of salary would instantly limit his freedom in every way. But then again, it was probable that Rhoda had decided against marriage altogether and had never considered him as a potential husband. Well, that was what he needed to find out.
They conversed naturally enough till the meal was over. Then their embarrassment revived, but this time it was Rhoda who took the initiative.
They talked comfortably enough until the meal was finished. Then their awkwardness came back, but this time it was Rhoda who took the lead.
“Shall I leave you to your meditations?” she asked, moving a few inches from the table.
“Should I leave you to your thoughts?” she asked, shifting a few inches away from the table.
“I should much prefer your society, if you will grant it me for a little longer.”
“I would really prefer your company if you can give it to me for a little longer.”
Without speaking, she rose and led the way to the drawing-room. There, sitting at a formal distance from each other, they talked—of the fog. Would Miss Barfoot be able to get back at all?
Without saying a word, she stood up and walked to the living room. There, sitting a formal distance apart, they talked—about the fog. Would Miss Barfoot be able to make it back at all?
“A propos,” said Everard, “did you ever read “The City of Dreadful Night”?”
A propos, said Everard, did you ever read “The City of Dreadful Night”?
“Yes, I have read it.”
"Yeah, I've read it."
“Without sympathy, of course?”
"Without sympathy, obviously?"
“Why “of course”? Do I seem to you a shallow optimist?”
“Why ‘of course’? Do I come across as a shallow optimist to you?”
“No. A vigorous and rational optimist—such as I myself aim at being.”
“No. A strong and logical optimist—like I strive to be.”
“Do you? But optimism of that kind must be proved by some effort on behalf of society.”
“Do you? But that kind of optimism has to be backed up by some effort for the good of society.”
“Precisely the effort I am making. If a man works at developing and fortifying the best things in his own character, he is surely doing society a service.”
“Exactly the effort I'm putting in. If a person focuses on enhancing and strengthening the best qualities in their character, they're definitely providing a benefit to society.”
She smiled sceptically.
She smiled doubtfully.
“Yes, no doubt. But how do you develop and fortify yourself?”
“Yes, for sure. But how do you grow and strengthen yourself?”
She was meeting him half-way, thought Everard. Foreseeing the inevitable, she wished to have it over and done with. Or else—
She was meeting him halfway, Everard thought. Anticipating what was coming, she wanted to get it over with. Or else—
“I live very quietly,” was his reply, “thinking of grave problems most of my time. You know I am a great deal alone.”
“I live quite quietly,” he replied, “spending most of my time contemplating serious issues. You know, I spend a lot of time alone.”
“Naturally.”
"Of course."
“No; anything but naturally.”
“No way; anything but natural.”
Rhoda said nothing. He waited a moment, then moved to a seat much nearer hers. Her face hardened, and he saw her fingers lock together.
Rhoda said nothing. He paused for a moment, then moved to a seat much closer to hers. Her expression stiffened, and he noticed her fingers intertwine.
“Where a man is in love, solitude seems to him the most unnatural of conditions.”
“Where a man is in love, being alone feels like the most unnatural condition.”
“Please don’t make me your confidante, Mr. Barfoot,” Rhoda with well-assumed pleasantry. “I have no taste for that kind of thing.”
“Please don’t make me your confidante, Mr. Barfoot,” Rhoda said with a well-practiced smile. “I’m not into that kind of thing.”
“But I can’t help doing so. It is you that I am in love with.”
“But I can’t help it. I’m in love with you.”
“I am very sorry to hear it. Happily, the sentiment will not long trouble you.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that. Thankfully, that feeling won’t bother you for long.”
He read in her eyes and on her lips a profound agitation. She glanced about the room, and, before he could again speak, had risen to ring the bell.
He saw a deep unease in her eyes and on her lips. She looked around the room, and before he could speak again, she got up to ring the bell.
“You always take coffee, I think?”
“You always have coffee, right?”
Without troubling to give any assent, he moved apart and turned over some books on the table. For full five minutes there was silence. The coffee was brought; he tasted it and put his cup down. Seeing that Rhoda had, as it were, entrenched herself behind the beverage, and would continue to sip at it as long as might be necessary, he went and stood in front of her.
Without bothering to agree, he stepped away and flipped through some books on the table. For a full five minutes, there was silence. The coffee was served; he took a sip and set his cup down. Noticing that Rhoda had, in a way, shielded herself with the drink and would keep sipping it for as long as needed, he moved to stand in front of her.
“Miss Nunn, I am more serious than you will give me credit for being. The sentiment, as you call it, has troubled me for some time, and will last.”
“Miss Nunn, I am more serious than you think I am. The feeling, as you call it, has been bothering me for a while, and it will continue.”
Her refuge failed her. The cup she was holding began to shake a little.
Her escape let her down. The cup she was holding started to tremble slightly.
“Please let me put it aside for you.”
“Please let me set it aside for you.”
Rhoda allowed him to do so, and then locked her fingers.
Rhoda let him do that, and then intertwined her fingers.
“I am so much in love with you that I can’t keep away from this house more than a few days at a time. Of course you have known it; I haven’t tried to disguise why I came here so often. It’s so seldom that I see you alone; and now that fortune is kind to me I must speak as best I can. I won’t make myself ridiculous in your eyes—if I can help it. You despise the love-making of ballrooms and garden parties; so do I, most heartily. Let me speak like a man who has few illusions to overcome. I want you for the companion of my life; I don’t see very well how I am to do without you. You know, I think, that I have only a moderate competence; it’s enough to live upon without miseries, that’s all one can say. Probably I shall never be richer, for I can’t promise to exert myself to earn money; I wish to live for other things. You can picture the kind of life I want you to share. You know me well enough to understand that my wife—if we use the old word—would be as free to live in her own way as I to live in mine. All the same, it is love that I am asking for. Think how you may about man and woman, you know that there is such a thing as love between them, and that the love of a man and a woman who can think intelligently may be the best thing life has to offer them.”
“I’m so in love with you that I can’t stay away from this house for more than a few days at a time. Of course, you’ve known that; I haven’t tried to hide why I visit here so often. It’s rare that I see you alone, and now that luck is on my side, I have to speak as honestly as I can. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of you—if I can avoid it. You dislike the flirting at parties and events; I feel the same way, completely. Let me be straightforward, with few illusions to deal with. I want you to be the partner in my life; I can’t imagine living without you. You probably know that I have a decent income; it’s enough to get by without hardships, but that’s about it. I might never be wealthier, because I can’t promise to work hard to make money; I want to focus on other things. You can picture the kind of life I hope we could share. You know me well enough to realize that my wife—if we’re using that old term—would have as much freedom to live her life as I would have to live mine. Still, I’m asking for your love. Regardless of what you think about men and women, you know that love exists between them, and that the love of two people who can think clearly may be the best thing life has to offer.”
He could not see her eyes, but she was smiling in a forced way, with her lips close set.
He couldn't see her eyes, but she was smiling tightly, her lips pressed together.
“As you insisted on speaking,” she said at length, “I had no choice but to listen. It is usual, I think—if one may trust the novels—for a woman to return thanks when an offer of this kind has been made to her. So—thank you very much, Mr. Barfoot.”
“As you insisted on talking,” she said after a moment, “I had no choice but to listen. I think it's common—if we can believe the novels—for a woman to express gratitude when she receives an offer like this. So—thank you very much, Mr. Barfoot.”
Everard seized a little chair that was close by, planted it beside Rhoda’s, there seated himself and took possession of one of her hands. It was done so rapidly and vehemently that Rhoda started back, her expression changing from sportive mockery to all but alarm.
Everard grabbed a nearby little chair, positioned it next to Rhoda's, sat down, and took hold of one of her hands. It happened so quickly and forcefully that Rhoda jumped back, her expression shifting from playful teasing to almost alarm.
“I will have no such thanks,” he uttered in a low voice, much moved, a smile making him look strangely stern. “You shall understand what it means when a man says that he loves you. I have come to think your face so beautiful that I am in torment with the desire to press my lips upon yours. Don’t be afraid that I shall be brutal enough to do it without your consent; my respect for you is stronger even than my passion. When I first saw you, I thought you interesting because of your evident intelligence—nothing more; indeed you were not a woman to me. Now you are the one woman in the world; no other can draw my eyes from you. Touch me with your fingers and I shall tremble—that is what my love means.”
“I don’t want any thanks,” he said quietly, clearly moved, a smile making him look oddly serious. “You need to understand what it means when a man says he loves you. I've come to find your face so beautiful that I'm tormented by the desire to kiss you. Don't worry, I won't be rude enough to do it without your permission; my respect for you is even stronger than my desire. When I first saw you, I thought you were interesting because of your clear intelligence—nothing more; honestly, you weren't even a woman to me then. Now, you are the only woman in the world for me; no one else can take my eyes off you. Just touch me with your fingers and I will tremble—that's what my love means.”
She was colourless; her lips, just parted, quivered as the breath panted between them. She did not try to withdraw her hand.
She was pale; her lips, slightly parted, trembled as her breath came in quick gasps. She didn’t try to pull her hand away.
“Can you love me in return?” Everard went on, his face still nearer. “Am I anything like this to you? Have the courage you boast of. Speak to me as one human being to another, plain, honest words.”
“Can you love me back?” Everard continued, leaning in closer. “Am I anything like this to you? Have the courage you claim to have. Talk to me like one person to another, using simple, honest words.”
“I don’t love you in the least. And if I did I would never share your life.”
“I don’t love you at all. And if I did, I would never want to be a part of your life.”
The voice was very unlike her familiar tones. It seemed to hurt her to speak.
The voice was nothing like her usual tones. It sounded painful for her to talk.
“The reason.—Because you have no faith in me?”
"The reason.—Is it because you don’t trust me?"
“I can’t say whether I have or not. I know absolutely nothing of your life. But I have my work, and no one shall ever persuade me to abandon it.”
“I can’t say if I have or not. I know nothing about your life. But I have my work, and no one will ever make me give it up.”
“Your work? How do you understand it? What is its importance to you?”
“Your work? How do you see it? What does it mean to you?”
“Oh, and you pretend to know me so well that you wish me to be your companion at every moment!”
“Oh, and you act like you know me so well that you want me to be your sidekick all the time!”
She laughed mockingly, and tried to draw away her hand, for it was burnt by the heat of his. Barfoot held her firmly.
She laughed sarcastically and tried to pull her hand away because it was burned by the heat of his. Barfoot held on to her tightly.
“What is your work? Copying with a type-machine, and teaching others to do the same—isn’t that it?”
“What is your work? Typing on a typewriter and teaching others to do the same—isn’t that it?”
“The work by which I earn money, yes. But if it were no more than that—”
“The job that pays my bills, sure. But if that’s all it was—”
“Explain, then.”
“Go ahead, explain.”
Passion was overmastering him as he watched the fine scorn in her eyes. He raised her hand to his lips.
Passion was overwhelming him as he saw the subtle disdain in her eyes. He brought her hand to his lips.
“No!” Rhoda exclaimed with sudden wrath. “Your respect—oh, I appreciate your respect!”
“No!” Rhoda shouted, suddenly angry. “Your respect—oh, I really appreciate your respect!”
She wrenched herself from his grasp, and went apart. Barfoot rose, gazing at her with admiration.
She pulled away from his grip and stepped aside. Barfoot stood up, looking at her with admiration.
“It is better I should be at a distance from you,” he said. “I want to know your mind, and not to be made insensate.”
“It’s better if I keep my distance from you,” he said. “I want to understand your thoughts, and not be left feeling numb.”
“Wouldn’t it be better still if you left me?” Rhoda suggested, mistress of herself again.
“Wouldn’t it be even better if you left me?” Rhoda suggested, in control of herself again.
“If you really wish it.” He remembered the circumstances and spoke submissively. “Yet the fog gives me such a good excuse for begging your indulgence. The chances are I should only lose myself in an inferno.”
“If you really want it.” He recalled the situation and spoke humbly. “Still, the fog provides me with a great reason to ask for your understanding. The truth is I would probably just get lost in a nightmare.”
“Doesn’t it strike you that you take an advantage of me, as you did once before? I make no pretence of equalling you in muscular strength, yet you try to hold me by force.”
“Don’t you realize that you’re taking advantage of me, just like before? I’m not pretending to be as strong as you, but you’re trying to force me.”
He divined in her pleasure akin to his own, the delight of conflict. Otherwise, she would never have spoken thus.
He sensed that her enjoyment was similar to his own, the thrill of conflict. Otherwise, she wouldn't have spoken that way.
“Yes, it is true. Love revives the barbarian; it wouldn’t mean much if it didn’t. In this one respect I suppose no man, however civilized, would wish the woman he loves to be his equal. Marriage by capture can’t quite be done away with. You say you have not the least love for me; if you had, should I like you to confess it instantly? A man must plead and woo; but there are different ways. I can’t kneel before you and exclaim about my miserable unworthiness—for I am not unworthy of you. I shall never call you queen and goddess—unless in delirium, and I think I should soon weary of the woman who put her head under my foot. Just because I am stronger than you, and have stronger passions, I take that advantage—try to overcome, as I may, the womanly resistance which is one of your charms.”
“Yes, it's true. Love brings out the wild side; it wouldn’t mean much if it didn’t. In this one way, I guess no man, no matter how civilized, would want the woman he loves to be his equal. Marriage by capture can’t really be eliminated. You say you don’t love me at all; if you did, would I want you to admit it right away? A man has to try and court; but there are different ways to do it. I can’t kneel before you and lament about my miserable unworthiness—because I’m not unworthy of you. I will never call you queen and goddess—except in a fit of delirium, and I think I would quickly tire of a woman who put her head under my foot. Just because I’m stronger than you, and have stronger desires, I use that to my advantage—trying to overcome, as best I can, the feminine resistance that is part of your charm.”
“How useless, then, for us to talk. If you are determined to remind me again and again that your strength puts me at your mercy—”
“How pointless it is for us to talk. If you’re set on reminding me over and over that your strength puts me at your mercy—”
“Oh, not that! I will come no nearer to you. Sit down, and tell me what I asked.”
“Oh, not that! I won’t come any closer to you. Sit down and tell me what I asked.”
Rhoda hesitated, but at length took the chair by which she was standing.
Rhoda hesitated, but eventually took the chair next to her.
“You are resolved never to marry?”
"You've decided never to get married?"
“I never shall,” Rhoda replied firmly.
"I never will," Rhoda answered confidently.
“But suppose marriage in no way interfered with your work?”
“But what if marriage didn’t affect your work at all?”
“It would interfere hopelessly with the best part of my life. I thought you understood this. What would become of the encouragement I am able to offer our girls?”
“It would mess up the best part of my life. I thought you got this. What would happen to the support I can give our girls?”
“Encouragement to refuse marriage?”
"Encouragement to decline marriage?"
“To scorn the old idea that a woman’s life is wasted if she does not marry. My work is to help those women who, by sheer necessity, must live alone—women whom vulgar opinion ridicules. How can I help them so effectually as by living among them, one of them, and showing that my life is anything but weariness and lamentation? I am fitted for this. It gives me a sense of power and usefulness which I enjoy. Your cousin is doing the same work admirably. If I deserted I should despise myself.”
“To challenge the outdated notion that a woman’s life is wasted if she doesn’t marry. My purpose is to support those women who, out of necessity, have to live alone—women whom society looks down on. How can I assist them better than by living among them, as one of them, and demonstrating that my life is anything but dull and sorrowful? I am suited for this. It gives me a sense of strength and purpose that I truly appreciate. Your cousin is doing the same work exceptionally well. If I abandoned this, I would look down on myself.”
“Magnificent! If I could bear the thought of living without you, I should bid you persevere and be great.”
“Magnificent! If I could handle the idea of living without you, I would tell you to keep going and be amazing.”
“I need no such bidding to persevere.”
“I don’t need any encouragement to keep going.”
“And for that very reason, because you are capable of such things, I love you only the more.”
“And for that very reason, because you can do such things, I love you even more.”
There was triumph in her look, though she endeavoured to disguise it.
There was victory in her gaze, even though she tried to hide it.
“Then, for your own peace,” she said, “I must hope that you will avoid me. It is so easily done. We have nothing in common, Mr. Barfoot.”
“Then, for your own peace,” she said, “I hope you’ll stay away from me. It’s so easy to do. We have nothing in common, Mr. Barfoot.”
“I can’t agree with that. For one thing, there are perhaps not half a dozen women living with whom I could talk as I have talked with you. It isn’t likely that I shall ever meet one. Am I to make my bow, and abandon in resignation the one chance of perfecting my life?”
“I can’t agree with that. For one thing, there are maybe not more than half a dozen women around who I could talk to the way I’ve talked to you. It’s unlikely that I’ll ever meet one. Should I just say goodbye and give up the only chance I have to improve my life?”
“You don’t know me. We differ profoundly on a thousand essential points.”
“You don’t know me. We completely disagree on a thousand important issues.”
“You think so because you have a very wrong idea of me.”
"You believe that because you have a completely inaccurate perception of who I am."
Rhoda glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece.
Rhoda looked at the clock on the mantel.
“Mr. Barfoot,” she said in a changed voice, “you will forgive me if I remind you that it is past ten o’clock.”
“Mr. Barfoot,” she said in a different tone, “I hope you'll forgive me for reminding you that it's past ten o’clock.”
He sighed and rose.
He sighed and got up.
“The fog certainly cannot be so thick now. Shall I ask them to try and get you a cab?”
“The fog can't be that thick now. Should I ask them to try and get you a cab?”
“I shall walk to the station.”
“I’m going to walk to the station.”
“Only one more word.” She assumed a quiet dignity which he could not disregard. “We have spoken in this way for the last time. You will not oblige me to take all sorts of trouble merely to avoid useless and painful conversations?”
“Just one more thing.” She took on a calm dignity that he couldn’t ignore. “We’ve talked like this for the last time. I won’t be forced to go through all this hassle just to avoid pointless and upsetting conversations?”
“I love you, and I can’t abandon hope.”
"I love you, and I can't give up hope."
“Then I must take that trouble.” Her face darkened, and she stood in expectation of his departure.
“Then I have to take that trouble.” Her face darkened, and she stood waiting for him to leave.
“I mustn’t offer to shake hands,” said Everard, drawing a step nearer.
“I shouldn't offer to shake hands,” said Everard, stepping a little closer.
“I hope you can remember that I had no choice but to be your hostess.”
“I hope you can remember that I had no choice but to host you.”
The face and tone affected him with a brief shame. Bending his head, he approached her, and held her offered hand, without pressure, only for an instant.
The face and tone embarrassed him for a moment. Lowering his head, he went up to her and took her outstretched hand, not gripping it, just for a moment.
Then he left the room.
Then he exited the room.
There was a little improvement in the night; he could make his way along the pavement without actual groping, and no unpleasant adventure checked him before he reached the station. Rhoda’s face and figure went before him. He was not downcast; for all that she had said, this woman, soon or late, would yield herself; he had a strange, unreasoning assurance of it. Perhaps the obstinacy of his temper supplied him with that confident expectation. He no longer cared on what terms he obtained her—legal marriage or free union—it was indifferent to him. But her life should be linked with his if fierce energy of will meant anything.
There was a slight improvement during the night; he was able to navigate the sidewalk without actually feeling his way, and nothing unpleasant stopped him before he got to the station. Rhoda’s face and figure were in his mind. He wasn't feeling down; despite everything she had said, he was sure that this woman would eventually give in. He had a strange, instinctive confidence in that. Maybe his stubborn nature gave him that certainty. He didn’t care how he got her—whether through a legal marriage or a free relationship—it didn’t matter to him. But her life would be connected to his if his strong will meant anything.
Miss Barfoot arrived at half-past eleven, after many delays on her journey. She was pierced with cold, choked with the poisonous air, and had derived very little satisfaction from her visit to Faversham.
Miss Barfoot arrived at 11:30, after several delays on her journey. She was freezing, struggling to breathe in the polluted air, and had gained very little enjoyment from her visit to Faversham.
“What happened?” was her first question, as Rhoda came out into the hall with sympathy and solicitude. “Did the fog keep our guest away?”
“What happened?” was her first question as Rhoda stepped into the hall with concern and care. “Did the fog prevent our guest from coming?”
“No; he dined here.”
“No; he ate here.”
“It was just as well. You haven’t been lonely.”
“It was probably for the best. You haven’t felt lonely.”
They spoke no more on the subject until Miss Barfoot recovered from her discomfort, and was enjoying a much needed supper.
They didn’t say anything more about it until Miss Barfoot got over her discomfort and was enjoying a much-needed dinner.
“Did he offer to go away?”
"Did he offer to go?"
“It was really impossible. It took him more than half an hour to get here from Sloane Square.”
“It was truly impossible. It took him over half an hour to get here from Sloane Square.”
“Foolish fellow! Why didn’t he take a train back at once?”
“Foolish guy! Why didn’t he just take a train back right away?”
There was a peculiar brightness in Rhoda’s countenance, and Miss Barfoot had observed it from the first.
There was a strange brightness in Rhoda's face, and Miss Barfoot had noticed it from the beginning.
“Did you quarrel much?”
“Did you fight a lot?”
“Not more than was to be expected.”
“Just what I thought.”
“He didn’t think of staying for my return?”
“He didn’t think about waiting for me to come back?”
“He left about ten o’clock.”
“He left around 10 PM.”
“Of course. Quite late enough, under the circumstances. It was very unfortunate, but I don’t suppose Everard cared much. He would enjoy the opportunity of teasing you.”
“Of course. That's late enough, given the situation. It was really unfortunate, but I doubt Everard cared much. He would probably enjoy the chance to tease you.”
A glance told her that Everard was not alone in his enjoyment of the evening. Rhoda led the talk into other channels, but Miss Barfoot continued to reflect on what she had perceived.
A quick look showed her that Everard was enjoying the evening with company. Rhoda steered the conversation in different directions, but Miss Barfoot kept thinking about what she had noticed.
A few evenings after, when Miss Barfoot had been sitting alone for an hour or two, Rhoda came to the library and took a place near her. The elder woman glanced up from her book, and saw that her friend had something special to say.
A few evenings later, when Miss Barfoot had been sitting alone for an hour or two, Rhoda came into the library and sat down near her. The older woman looked up from her book and noticed that her friend had something important to share.
“What is it, dear?”
"What's wrong, dear?"
“I am going to tax your good-nature, to ask you about unpleasant things.”
“I’m going to test your patience by asking you about some uncomfortable topics.”
Miss Barfoot knew immediately what this meant. She professed readiness to answer, but had an uneasy look.
Miss Barfoot immediately understood what this meant. She claimed she was ready to answer, but she looked uneasy.
“Will you tell me in plain terms what it was that your cousin did when he disgraced himself?”
“Can you tell me in simple terms what your cousin did to embarrass himself?”
“Must you really know?”
"Do you really need to know?"
“I wish to know.”
"I want to know."
There was a pause. Miss Barfoot kept her eyes on the page open before her.
There was a pause. Miss Barfoot kept her eyes on the page in front of her.
“Then I shall take the liberty of an old friend, Rhoda. Why do you wish to know?”
“Then I'll take the liberty of an old friend, Rhoda. Why do you want to know?”
“Mr. Barfoot,” answered the other dryly, “has been good enough to say that he is in love with me.”
“Mr. Barfoot,” replied the other dryly, “has kindly said that he is in love with me.”
Their eyes met.
They locked eyes.
“I suspected it. I felt sure it was coming. He asked you to marry him?”
“I had a feeling. I was pretty sure it was going to happen. Did he propose to you?”
“No, he didn’t,” replied Rhoda in purposely ambiguous phrase.
“No, he didn’t,” Rhoda replied, using intentionally vague wording.
“You wouldn’t allow him to?”
“Are you really not going to let him?”
“At all events, it didn’t come to that. I should be glad if you would let me know what I asked.”
“At any rate, it didn’t come to that. I would appreciate it if you could let me know what I asked.”
Miss Barfoot deliberated, but finally told the story of Amy Drake. Her hands supporting one knee, her head bent, Rhoda listened without comment, and, to judge from her features, without any emotion of any kind.
Miss Barfoot thought for a moment but eventually shared the story of Amy Drake. With her hands resting on one knee and her head bowed, Rhoda listened in silence, and from the look on her face, she showed no emotion whatsoever.
“That,” said her friend at the close, “is the story as it was understood at the time—disgraceful to him in every particular. He knew what was said of him, and offered not a word of contradiction. But not very long ago he asked me one evening if you had been informed of this scandal. I told him that you knew he had done something which I thought very base. Everard was hurt, and thereupon he declared that neither I nor any other of his acquaintances knew the truth—that he had been maligned. He refused to say more, and what am I to believe?”
“That,” her friend said at the end, “is the story as it was understood back then—shameful for him in every way. He knew what people were saying about him and didn’t say a word to defend himself. But not too long ago, he asked me one evening if you had heard about this scandal. I told him that you were aware he had done something I thought was really low. Everard was hurt, and then he insisted that neither I nor any of his other friends knew the truth—that he had been misrepresented. He wouldn’t say anything more, so what am I supposed to believe?”
Rhoda was listening with livelier attention.
Rhoda was paying closer attention.
“He declared that he wasn’t to blame?”
“He said that he wasn’t at fault?”
“I suppose he meant that. But it is difficult to see—”
“I guess he meant that. But it’s hard to see—”
“Of course the truth can never be known,” said Rhoda, with sudden indifference. “And it doesn’t matter. Thank you for satisfying my curiosity.”
“Of course the truth can never be known,” Rhoda said, suddenly indifferent. “And it doesn’t matter. Thanks for satisfying my curiosity.”
Miss Barfoot waited a moment, then laughed.
Miss Barfoot paused for a moment, then laughed.
“Some day, Rhoda, you shall satisfy mine.”
“Someday, Rhoda, you will satisfy mine.”
“Yes—if we live long enough.”
"Yes—if we survive long enough."
What degree of blame might have attached to Barfoot, Rhoda did not care to ask herself; she thought no more of the story. Of course there must have been other such incidents in his career; morally he was neither better nor worse than men in general. She viewed with contempt the women who furnished such opportunities; in her judgment of the male offenders she was more lenient, more philosophical, than formerly.
What level of blame might be on Barfoot, Rhoda didn’t want to think about; she didn’t dwell on the story anymore. There must have been other similar incidents in his life; morally, he was neither better nor worse than men in general. She looked down on the women who provided those opportunities; in her view of the male offenders, she was more forgiving and more open-minded than she used to be.
She had gained her wish, had enjoyed her triumph. A raising of the finger and Everard Barfoot would marry her. Assured of that, she felt a new contentment in life; at times when she was occupied with things as far as possible from this experience, a rush of joy would suddenly fill her heart, and make her cheek glow. She moved among people with a conscious dignity quite unlike that which had only satisfied her need of distinction. She spoke more softly, exercised more patience, smiled where she had been wont to scoff. Miss Nunn was altogether a more amiable person.
She had gotten what she wanted and enjoyed her victory. With just a raise of her finger, Everard Barfoot would marry her. Knowing this, she felt a new sense of happiness in life; sometimes, even when she was focused on things completely unrelated to this experience, a wave of joy would suddenly fill her heart and make her cheeks flush. She moved among people with a self-assured dignity that was so different from the mere need for recognition she had felt before. She spoke more softly, showed more patience, and smiled instead of scoffing. Miss Nunn was a much more pleasant person overall.
Yet, she convinced herself, essentially quite unchanged. She pursued the aim of her life with less bitterness, in a larger spirit, that was all. But pursued it, and without fear of being diverted from the generous path.
Yet, she convinced herself, she was fundamentally the same. She chased the purpose of her life with less bitterness and a broader mindset, and that was all. But she pursued it, without fearing being led off the noble path.
CHAPTER XVIII
A REINFORCEMENT
Throughout January, Barfoot was endeavouring to persuade his brother Tom to leave London, where the invalid’s health perceptibly grew worse. Doctors were urgent to the same end, but ineffectually; for Mrs. Thomas, though she professed to be amazed at her husband’s folly in remaining where he could not hope for recovery, herself refused to accompany him any whither. This pair had no children. The lady always spoke of herself as a sad sufferer from mysterious infirmities, and had, in fact, a tendency to hysteria, which confused itself inextricably with the results of evil nurture and the impulses of a disposition originally base; nevertheless she made a figure in a certain sphere of vulgar wealth, and even gave opportunity to scandalous tongues. Her husband, whatever his secret thought, would hear nothing against her; his temper, like Everard’s, was marked with stubbornness, and after a good deal of wrangling he forbade his brother to address him again on the subject of their disagreement.
Throughout January, Barfoot was trying to convince his brother Tom to leave London, where Tom's health was noticeably getting worse. The doctors were also urging this, but without success; Mrs. Thomas, despite claiming to be shocked by her husband's foolishness in staying where he couldn't expect to recover, refused to go with him anywhere. This couple had no children. The woman consistently described herself as a tragic victim of unknown ailments and indeed had a tendency towards hysteria, which was deeply intertwined with the effects of poor upbringing and her inherently flawed nature; however, she held a prominent position in a certain circle of wealthy but vulgar individuals, and even stirred up gossip. Her husband, no matter what he truly thought, wouldn’t hear anything negative about her; his temperament, like Everard's, was marked by stubbornness, and after a lot of argument, he told his brother to stop bringing up their disagreement.
“Tom is dying,” wrote Everard, early in February, to his cousin in Queen’s Road. “Dr. Swain assures me that unless he be removed he cannot last more than a month or two. This morning I saw the woman”—it was thus he always referred to his sister-in-law—“and talked to her in what was probably the plainest language she ever had the privilege of hearing. It was a tremendous scene, brought to a close only by her flinging herself on the sofa with shrieks which terrified the whole household. My idea is that we must carry the poor fellow away by force. His infatuation makes me rage and curse, but I am bent on trying to save his life. Will you come and give your help?”
“Tom is dying,” Everard wrote early in February to his cousin on Queen’s Road. “Dr. Swain assures me that unless he’s moved, he won’t last more than a month or two. This morning I spoke with the woman”—that’s how he always referred to his sister-in-law—“and I used what was probably the clearest language she’s ever had the chance to hear. It was an intense scene, ending only when she threw herself on the sofa, screaming, which scared the entire household. I think we need to forcibly take the poor guy away. His obsession drives me insane, but I’m determined to try to save his life. Will you come help?”
A week later they succeeded in carrying the invalid back to Torquay. Mrs. Barfoot had abandoned him to his doctors, nurses, and angry relatives; she declared herself driven out of the house, and went to live at a fashionable hotel. Everard remained in Devon for more than a month, devoting himself with affection, which the trial of his temper seemed only to increase, to his brother’s welfare. Thomas improved a little; once more there was hope. Then on a sudden frantic impulse, after writing fifty letters which elicited no reply, he travelled in pursuit of his wife; and three days after his arrival in London he was dead.
A week later, they managed to bring the sick man back to Torquay. Mrs. Barfoot had left him to his doctors, nurses, and upset relatives; she claimed she was forced out of the house and moved to a trendy hotel. Everard stayed in Devon for over a month, devotedly caring for his brother's wellbeing, a task that only seemed to test his patience more. Thomas got a bit better; there was hope again. Then, in a sudden burst of desperation, after writing fifty letters with no response, he went to find his wife; and three days after arriving in London, he was dead.
By a will, executed at Torquay, he bequeathed to Everard about a quarter of his wealth. All the rest went to Mrs. Barfoot, who had declared herself too ill to attend the funeral, but in a fortnight was sufficiently recovered to visit one of her friends in the country.
By a will, signed in Torquay, he left about a quarter of his fortune to Everard. The rest went to Mrs. Barfoot, who claimed she was too sick to go to the funeral, but in just two weeks she was well enough to visit one of her friends in the countryside.
Everard could now count upon an income of not much less than fifteen hundred a year. That his brother’s death would enrich him he had always foreseen, but no man could have exerted himself with more ardent energy to postpone that advantage. The widow charged him, wherever she happened to be, with deliberate fratricide; she vilified his reputation, by word of mouth or by letter, to all who knew him, and protested that his furious wrath at not having profited more largely by the will put her in fear of her life. This last remarkable statement was made in a long and violent epistle to Miss Barfoot, which the recipient showed to her cousin on the first opportunity. Everard had called one Sunday morning—it was the end of March—to say good-bye on his departure for a few weeks’ travel. Having read the letter, he laughed with a peculiar fierceness.
Everard could now count on an income of almost fifteen hundred a year. He had always known that his brother's death would benefit him, but no one could have worked harder to delay that gain. The widow accused him, no matter where she was, of willful fratricide; she trashed his reputation, both verbally and in writing, to everyone who knew him, and insisted that his fierce anger at not gaining more from the will made her fear for her life. This last striking claim was made in a long and heated letter to Miss Barfoot, which the recipient shared with her cousin at the first chance. Everard had visited one Sunday morning—it was the end of March—to say goodbye before leaving for a few weeks of travel. After reading the letter, he laughed with a distinct intensity.
“This kind of thing,” said Miss Barfoot, “may necessitate your prosecuting her. There is a limit, you know, even to a woman’s licence.”
“This kind of thing,” said Miss Barfoot, “might require you to take action against her. There’s a limit, you know, even to a woman’s freedom.”
“I am far more likely,” he replied, “to purchase a very nice little cane, and give her an exemplary thrashing.”
“I’m much more likely,” he replied, “to buy a really nice cane and give her a proper spanking.”
“Oh! Oh!”
“Oh wow!”
“Upon my word, I see no reason against it! That’s how I should deal with a man who talked about me in this way, and none the less if he were a puny creature quite unable to protect himself. In that furious scene before we got Tom away I felt most terribly tempted to beat her. There’s a great deal to be said for woman-beating. I am quite sure that many a labouring man who pommels his wife is doing exactly the right thing; no other measure would have the least result. You see what comes of impunity. If this woman saw the possibility that I should give her a public caning she would be far more careful how she behaved herself. Let us ask Miss Nunn’s opinion.”
“Honestly, I see no reason not to! That’s how I would handle someone who spoke about me like that, especially if he was a weakling who couldn’t defend himself. In that explosive moment before we got Tom away, I felt incredibly tempted to hit her. There’s a lot to be said for hitting women. I’m pretty sure that many working men who hit their wives are actually doing the right thing; no other approach would have any effect. You see what happens when there are no consequences. If this woman thought there was a chance I’d publicly punish her, she would definitely behave differently. Let’s get Miss Nunn’s opinion.”
Rhoda had that moment entered the room. She offered her hand frankly, and asked what the subject was.
Rhoda had just entered the room. She extended her hand openly and asked what the topic was.
“Glance over this letter,” said Barfoot. “Oh, you have seen it. I propose to get a light, supple, dandyish cane, and to give Mrs. Thomas Barfoot half a dozen smart cuts across the back in her own drawing-room, some afternoon when people were present. What have you to say to it?”
“Take a look at this letter,” said Barfoot. “Oh, you’ve seen it. I plan to get a stylish, flexible cane and give Mrs. Thomas Barfoot a few sharp taps across the back in her own living room one afternoon when there are guests around. What do you think about that?”
He spoke with such show of angry seriousness that Rhoda paused before replying.
He spoke with such a display of intense anger that Rhoda hesitated before answering.
“I sympathized with you,” she said at length, “but I don’t think I would go to that extremity.”
“I understand how you feel,” she said after a moment, “but I don’t think I’d go that far.”
Everard repeated the argument he had used to his cousin.
Everard repeated the argument he had made to his cousin.
“You are quite right,” Rhoda assented. “I think many women deserve to be beaten, and ought to be beaten. But public opinion would be so much against you.”
“You're totally right,” Rhoda agreed. “I think many women deserve to be punished, and should be punished. But public opinion would be so much against you.”
“What do I care? So is public opinion against you.”
“What do I care? Public opinion is against you anyway.”
“Very well. Do as you like. Miss Barfoot and I will come to the police court and give strong evidence in your favour.”
“Okay. Do whatever you want. Miss Barfoot and I will go to the police court and provide strong evidence to support you.”
“Now there’s a woman!” exclaimed Everard, not all in jest, for Rhoda’s appearance had made his nerves thrill and his pulse beat. “Look at her, Mary. Do you wonder that I would walk the diameter of the globe to win her love?”
“Now there’s a woman!” exclaimed Everard, not entirely joking, because Rhoda’s appearance had thrilled his nerves and quickened his pulse. “Look at her, Mary. Can you believe I would travel all around the world to win her love?”
Rhoda flushed scarlet, and Miss Barfoot was much embarrassed. Neither could have anticipated such an utterance as this. “That’s the simple truth,” went on Everard recklessly, “and she knows it, and yet won’t listen to me. Well, good-bye to you both! Now that I have so grossly misbehaved myself, she has a good excuse for refusing even to enter the room when I am here. But do speak a word for me whilst I am away, Mary.”
Rhoda turned bright red, and Miss Barfoot was really embarrassed. Neither of them could have expected such a statement. “That’s just the plain truth,” Everard continued carelessly, “and she knows it, but still won’t listen to me. Anyway, goodbye to both of you! Now that I've acted so badly, she has a good reason for not wanting to even be in the room when I’m here. But please say a word for me while I'm gone, Mary.”
He shook hands with them, scarcely looking at their faces, and abruptly departed.
He shook hands with them, hardly making eye contact, and quickly left.
The women stood for a moments at a distance from each other. Then Miss Barfoot glanced at her friend and laughed.
The women stood a moment apart from each other. Then Miss Barfoot glanced at her friend and laughed.
“Really my poor cousin is not very discreet.”
“Honestly, my poor cousin isn't very discreet.”
“Anything but,” Rhoda answered, resting on the back of a chair, her eyes cast down. “Do you think he will really cane his sister-in-law?”
“Anything but,” Rhoda replied, leaning against the back of a chair, her eyes downcast. “Do you really think he will punish his sister-in-law?”
“How can you ask such a question?”
“How can you ask that question?”
“It would be amusing. I should think better of him for it.”
“It would be funny. I’d probably think more highly of him for it.”
“Well, make it a condition. We know the story of the lady and her glove. I can see you sympathize with her.”
“Well, make it a condition. We know the story about the lady and her glove. I can tell you feel for her.”
Rhoda laughed and went away, leaving Miss Barfoot with the impression that she had revealed a genuine impulse. It seemed not impossible that Rhoda might wish to say to her lover: “Face this monstrous scandal and I am yours.”
Rhoda laughed and walked away, leaving Miss Barfoot with the feeling that she had shown a real desire. It didn’t seem unlikely that Rhoda might want to say to her partner: “Confront this huge scandal, and I’m yours.”
A week passed and there arrived a letter, with a foreign stamp, addressed to Miss Nunn. Happening to receive it before Miss Barfoot had come down to breakfast, she put it away in a drawer till evening leisure, and made no mention of its arrival. Exhilaration appeared in her behaviour through the day. After dinner she disappeared, shutting herself up to read the letter.
A week went by, and a letter arrived with a foreign stamp, addressed to Miss Nunn. Since she received it before Miss Barfoot came down for breakfast, she tucked it away in a drawer for later and didn’t mention it. Throughout the day, she seemed more cheerful. After dinner, she vanished, locking herself away to read the letter.
“DEAR MISS NUNN,—I am sitting at a little marble table outside a café on the Cannibiere. Does that name convey anything to you? The Cannibiere is the principal street of Marseilles, street of gorgeous cafés and restaurants, just now blazing with electric light. You, no doubt, are shivering by the fireside; here it is like an evening of summer. I have dined luxuriously, and I am taking my coffee whilst I write. At a table near to me sit two girls, engaged in the liveliest possible conversation, of which I catch a few words now and then, pretty French phrases that caress the ear. One of them is so strikingly beautiful that I cannot take my eyes from her when they have been tempted to that quarter. She speaks with indescribable grace and animation, has the sweetest eyes and lips—
“DEAR MISS NUNN,—I’m sitting at a little marble table outside a café on the Cannibiere. Does that name mean anything to you? The Cannibiere is the main street of Marseilles, lined with beautiful cafés and restaurants, currently glowing with electric light. You’re probably shivering by the fire; here, it feels like a summer evening. I’ve had a lavish dinner, and I’m enjoying my coffee while I write. At a nearby table, two girls are engaged in the most lively conversation, and I occasionally catch a few words, pretty French phrases that sound lovely. One of them is so strikingly beautiful that I can’t take my eyes off her when I glance in that direction. She speaks with an indescribable grace and excitement, has the sweetest eyes and lips—
“And all the time I am thinking of some one else. Ah, if you were here! How we would enjoy ourselves among these southern scenes! Alone, it is delightful; but with you for a companion, with you to talk about everything in your splendidly frank way! This French girl’s talk is of course only silly chatter; it makes me long to hear a few words from your lips—strong, brave, intelligent.
“And all the time I’m thinking about someone else. Ah, if you were here! How much fun we would have in these southern landscapes! It’s lovely on my own, but having you here to chat with, to talk about everything so honestly! This French girl’s conversation is just silly small talk; it makes me crave a few words from you—strong, brave, intelligent.”
“I dream of the ideal possibility. Suppose I were to look up and see you standing just in front of me, there on the pavement. You have come in a few hours straight from London. Your eyes glow with delight. To-morrow we shall travel on to Genoa, you and I, more than friends, and infinitely more than the common husband and wife! We have bidden the world go round for our amusement; henceforth it is our occupation to observe and discuss and make merry.
“I dream of the perfect possibility. Imagine if I looked up and saw you standing right in front of me, there on the sidewalk. You arrived just a few hours straight from London. Your eyes are sparkling with joy. Tomorrow we’ll continue on to Genoa, you and I, more than friends, and so much more than just a typical husband and wife! We’ve told the world to spin for our enjoyment; from now on, it’s our job to watch, talk, and have fun.”
“Is it all in vain? Rhoda, if you never love me, my life will be poor to what it might have been; and you, you also, will lose something. In imagination I kiss your hands and your lips.
“Is it all for nothing? Rhoda, if you never love me, my life will be less than it could have been; and you, too, will miss out on something. In my imagination, I kiss your hands and your lips.”
EVERARD BARFOOT.”
EVERARD BARFOOT.
There was an address at the head of this letter, but certainly Barfoot expected no reply, and Rhoda had no thought of sending one. Every night, however, she unfolded the sheet of thin foreign paper, and read, more than once, what was written upon it. Read it with external calm, with a brow of meditation, and afterwards sat for some time in absent mood.
There was an address at the top of this letter, but Barfoot clearly didn’t expect a reply, and Rhoda had no intention of sending one. Still, every night, she unfolded the sheet of thin foreign paper and read what was written on it multiple times. She read it with a calm exterior and a thoughtful expression, then sat for a while in a distracted state.
Would he write again? Her daily question was answered in rather more than a fortnight. This time the letter came from Italy; it was lying on the hall table when Rhoda returned from Great Portland Street, and Miss Barfoot was the first to read the address. They exchanged no remark. On breaking the envelope—she did so at once—Rhoda found a little bunch of violets crushed but fragrant.
Would he write again? Her daily question was answered in just over two weeks. This time, the letter came from Italy; it was on the hall table when Rhoda returned from Great Portland Street, and Miss Barfoot was the first to see the address. They didn’t say anything to each other. When she opened the envelope—she did it right away—Rhoda found a small bunch of violets, crushed but still fragrant.
“These in return for your Cheddar pinks,” began the informal note accompanying the flowers. “I had them an hour ago from a pretty girl in the streets of Parma. I didn’t care to buy, and walked on, but the pretty girl ran by me, and with gentle force fixed the flowers in my button-hole, so that I had no choice but to stroke her velvety cheek and give her a lira. How hungry I am for the sight of your face! Think of me sometimes, dear friend.”
“These in exchange for your Cheddar pinks,” started the casual note that came with the flowers. “I just got them an hour ago from a beautiful girl on the streets of Parma. I didn’t want to buy any, so I kept walking, but the beautiful girl rushed up to me and gently pinned the flowers in my buttonhole, leaving me no choice but to caress her soft cheek and give her a lira. I’m so eager to see your face! Please think of me sometimes, dear friend.”
She laughed, and laid the letter and its violets away with the other.
She laughed and set the letter and its violets aside with the others.
“I must depend on you, it seems, for news of Everard,” said Miss Barfoot after dinner.
“I guess I have to rely on you for news about Everard,” Miss Barfoot said after dinner.
“I can only tell you,” Rhoda answered lightly, “that he has travelled from the south of France to the north of Italy, with much observation of female countenances.”
“I can only tell you,” Rhoda replied casually, “that he has traveled from the south of France to the north of Italy, taking note of many women’s faces.”
“He informs you of that?”
“Does he tell you that?”
“Very naturally. It is his chief interest. One likes people to tell the truth.”
“Of course. That’s what he cares about the most. People appreciate when others are honest.”
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
Barfoot was away until the end of April, but after that note from Parma he did not write. One bright afternoon in May, a Saturday, he presented himself at his cousin’s house, and found two or three callers in the drawing-room, ladies as usual; one of them was Miss Winifred Haven, another was Mrs. Widdowson. Mary received him without effusiveness, and after a few minutes’ talk with her he took a place by Mrs. Widdowson, who, it struck him, looked by no means in such good spirits as during the early days of her marriage. As soon as she began to converse, his impression of a change in her was confirmed; the girlishness so pleasantly noticeable when first he knew her had disappeared, and the gravity substituted for it was suggestive of disillusion, of trouble.
Barfoot was away until the end of April, but after that note from Parma, he didn’t write. One bright afternoon in May, on a Saturday, he showed up at his cousin’s house and found a couple of guests in the living room, all women as usual; one of them was Miss Winifred Haven, and another was Mrs. Widdowson. Mary greeted him coolly, and after chatting with her for a few minutes, he took a seat next to Mrs. Widdowson, who, he noticed, didn’t seem nearly as cheerful as she had in the early days of her marriage. As soon as she started talking, his feeling that something had changed in her was confirmed; the youthful spirit that had been so charming when he first met her was gone, replaced by a seriousness that hinted at disillusionment and trouble.
She asked him if he knew some people named Bevis, who occupied a flat just above his own.
She asked him if he knew some people named Bevis, who lived in a flat just above his.
“Bevis? I have seen the name on the index at the foot of the stairs; but I don’t know them personally.”
“Bevis? I’ve seen that name in the index at the bottom of the stairs, but I don’t know them personally.”
“That was how I came to know that you live there,” said Monica. “My husband took me to call upon the Bevises, and there we saw your name. At least, we supposed it was you, and Miss Barfoot tells me we were right.”
"That’s how I found out that you live there," Monica said. "My husband took me to visit the Bevises, and we saw your name there. At least, we thought it was you, and Miss Barfoot tells me we were right."
“Oh yes; I live there all alone, a gloomy bachelor. How delightful if you knocked at my door some day, when you and Mr. Widdowson are again calling on your friends.”
“Oh yes; I live there all by myself, a lonely bachelor. How wonderful it would be if you knocked on my door one day when you and Mr. Widdowson are visiting your friends again.”
Monica smiled, and her eyes wandered restlessly.
Monica smiled, and her eyes moved around curiously.
“You have been away—out of England?” she next said.
“You’ve been away—out of England?” she said next.
“Yes; in Italy.”
"Yes; in Italy."
“I envy you.”
"I'm jealous of you."
“You have never been there?”
"Have you never been there?"
“No—not yet.”
"No—not yet."
He talked a little of the agreeables and disagreeables of life in that country. But Mrs. Widdowson had become irresponsive; he doubted at length whether she was listening to him, so, as Miss Haven stepped this way, he took an opportunity of a word aside with his cousin.
He mentioned a bit about the good and bad things in that country. But Mrs. Widdowson seemed unresponsive; he eventually questioned whether she was even listening to him, so, as Miss Haven approached, he seized the chance to have a quick chat with his cousin.
“Miss Nunn not at home?”
“Is Miss Nunn not home?”
“No. Won’t be till dinner-time.”
“No. Not until dinner time.”
“Quite well?”
“Pretty good?”
“Never was better. Would you care to come back and dine with us at half-past seven?”
“Never been better. Would you like to come back and have dinner with us at 7:30?”
“Of course I should.”
“Of course I should.”
With this pleasant prospect he took his leave. The afternoon being sunny, instead of walking straight to the station, to return home, he went out on to the Embankment, and sauntered round by Chelsea Bridge Road. As he entered Sloane Square he saw Mrs. Widdowson, who was coming towards the railway; she walked rather wearily, with her eyes on the ground, and did not become aware of him until he addressed her.
With this nice thought in mind, he said goodbye. Since it was a sunny afternoon, instead of heading straight to the station to go home, he walked out to the Embankment and strolled over to Chelsea Bridge Road. As he entered Sloane Square, he spotted Mrs. Widdowson, who was walking towards the railway; she looked quite tired, with her eyes on the ground, and didn’t notice him until he spoke to her.
“Are we travelling the same way?” he asked. “Westward?”
“Are we going the same way?” he asked. “West?”
“Yes. I am going all the way round to Portland Road.”
“Yes. I’m going all the way around to Portland Road.”
They entered the station, Barfoot chatting humorously. And, so intent was he on the expression of his companion’s downcast face, that he allowed an acquaintance to pass close by him unobserved. It was Rhoda Nunn, returning sooner than Miss Barfoot had expected. She saw the pair, regarded them with a moment’s keen attentiveness, and went on, out into the street.
They walked into the station, with Barfoot joking around. He was so focused on the sad expression on his companion’s face that he didn’t notice an acquaintance passing right by him. It was Rhoda Nunn, coming back earlier than Miss Barfoot had anticipated. She noticed the two of them, studied them for a moment, and then continued on out into the street.
In the first-class carriage which they entered there was no other passenger as far as Barfoot’s station. He could not resist the temptation to use rather an intimate tone, though one that was quite conventional, in the hope that he might discover something of Mrs. Widdowson’s mind. He began by asking whether she thought it a good Academy this year. She had not yet visited it, but hoped to do so on Monday. Did she herself do any kind of artistic work? Oh, nothing whatever; she was a very useless and idle person. He believed she had been a pupil of Miss Barfoot’s at one time? Yes, for a very short time indeed, just before her marriage. Was she not an intimate friend of Miss Nunn? Hardly intimate. They knew each other a few years ago, but Miss Nunn did not care much about her now.
In the first-class carriage they entered, there were no other passengers until Barfoot’s stop. He couldn't help but adopt a somewhat familiar tone, though still polite, hoping to learn more about Mrs. Widdowson's thoughts. He started by asking if she thought this year's Academy was good. She hadn't visited it yet but planned to go on Monday. Did she do any kind of artistic work? Oh, not at all; she considered herself quite useless and lazy. He recalled that she had been a student of Miss Barfoot’s at one point? Yes, but only briefly, just before she got married. Was she close friends with Miss Nunn? Not really; they knew each other a few years back, but Miss Nunn doesn’t seem to care much for her now.
“Probably because I married,” she added with a smile.
“Probably because I got married,” she added with a smile.
“Is Miss Nunn really such a determined enemy of marriage?”
“Is Miss Nunn really that set against marriage?”
“She thinks it pardonable in very weak people. In my case she was indulgent enough to come to the wedding.”
“She thinks it’s forgivable in really weak people. In my case, she was kind enough to come to the wedding.”
This piece of news surprised Barfoot.
This news shocked Barfoot.
“She came to your wedding? And wore a wedding garment?”
“She came to your wedding? And wore a wedding dress?”
“Oh yes. And looked very nice.”
“Oh yeah. And looked really nice.”
“Do describe it to me. Can you remember?”
"Please tell me about it. Can you remember?"
Seeing that no woman ever forgot the details of another’s dress, on however trivial an occasion, and at whatever distance of time, Monica was of course able to satisfy the inquirer. Her curiosity excited, she ventured in turn upon one or two insidious questions.
Seeing that no woman ever forgot the details of another woman’s outfit, no matter how trivial the occasion or how much time had passed, Monica was able to satisfy the person asking. Her curiosity piqued, she decided to ask a few sneaky questions in return.
“You couldn’t imagine Miss Nunn in such a costume?”
“You can't picture Miss Nunn in a costume like that?”
“I should very much like to have seen her.”
“I really would have liked to see her.”
“She has a very striking face—don’t you think so?”
“She has a really striking face—don’t you think?”
“Indeed I do. A wonderful face.”
“Absolutely, I do. A beautiful face.”
Their eyes met. Barfoot bent forward from his place opposite Monica.
Their eyes locked. Barfoot leaned forward from his spot across from Monica.
“To me the most interesting of all faces,” he said softly.
"To me, the most fascinating face of all," he said quietly.
His companion blushed with surprise and pleasure.
His friend blushed with surprise and delight.
“Does it seem strange to you, Mrs. Widdowson?”
“Does that seem odd to you, Mrs. Widdowson?”
“Oh—why? Not at all.”
“Oh—why? Definitely not.”
All at once she had brightened astonishingly. This subject was not pursued, but for the rest of the time they talked with a new appearance of mutual confidence and interest, Monica retaining her pretty, half-bashful smile. And when Barfoot alighted at Bayswater they shook hands with an especial friendliness, both seeming to suggest a wish that they might soon meet again.
All of a sudden, she lit up remarkably. They didn’t bring up that topic again, but for the rest of the time, their conversation had a fresh sense of mutual trust and interest, with Monica keeping her cute, slightly shy smile. When Barfoot got out at Bayswater, they shook hands with an extra warmth, both clearly hinting that they hoped to meet again soon.
They did so not later than the following Monday. Remembering what Mrs. Widdowson had said of her intention to visit Burlington House, Barfoot went there in the afternoon. If he chanced to encounter the pretty little woman it would not be disagreeable. Perhaps her husband might be with her, and in that case he could judge of the terms on which they stood. A surly fellow, Widdowson; very likely to play the tyrant, he thought. If he were not mistaken, she had wearied of him and regretted her bondage—the old story. Thinking thus, and strolling through the rooms with casual glances at a picture, he discovered his acquaintance, catalogue in hand, alone for the present. Her pensive face again answered to his smile. They drew back from the pictures and sat down.
They did this no later than the next Monday. Remembering what Mrs. Widdowson had said about her plan to visit Burlington House, Barfoot went there in the afternoon. If he happened to run into the pretty little woman, it wouldn't be unpleasant. Maybe her husband would be with her, and then he could see what their relationship was like. Widdowson was a grumpy fellow; he probably acted like a tyrant, he thought. If he wasn't mistaken, she was tired of him and regretted her situation—the same old story. With these thoughts in mind, and strolling through the rooms while casually glancing at a painting, he spotted his acquaintance, catalogue in hand, currently alone. Her thoughtful face responded to his smile. They stepped back from the paintings and sat down.
“I dined with our friends at Chelsea on Saturday evening,” said Barfoot.
“I had dinner with our friends in Chelsea on Saturday evening,” said Barfoot.
“On Saturday? You didn’t tell me you were going back again.”
“On Saturday? You didn’t mention you were going back again.”
“I wasn’t thinking of it just at the time.”
“I wasn't thinking about it at that moment.”
Monica hinted an amused surprise.
Monica expressed an amused surprise.
“You see,” he went on, “I expected nothing, and happy for me that it was so. Miss Nunn was in her severest mood; I think she didn’t smile once through the evening. I will confess to you I wrote her a letter whilst I was abroad, and it offended her, I suppose.”
“You see,” he continued, “I didn’t expect anything, and I’m glad that was the case. Miss Nunn was in her strictest mood; I don’t think she smiled even once all evening. I must admit, I wrote her a letter while I was overseas, and I guess it upset her.”
“I don’t think you can always judge of her thoughts by her face.”
“I don’t think you can always tell what she’s thinking just by looking at her face.”
“Perhaps not. But I have studied her face so often and so closely. For all that, she is more a mystery to me than any woman I have ever known. That, of course, is partly the reason of her power over me. I feel that if ever—if ever she should disclose herself to me, it would be the strangest revelation. Every woman wears a mask, except to one man; but Rhoda’s—Miss Nunn’s—is, I fancy, a far completer disguise than I ever tried to pierce.”
“Maybe not. But I’ve looked at her face so many times and so closely. Still, she remains more of a mystery to me than any woman I’ve ever known. That, of course, is partly why she has such power over me. I feel that if she ever revealed herself to me, it would be the most unexpected revelation. Every woman has a mask, except in front of one man; but Rhoda’s—Miss Nunn’s—mask is, I think, a much more complete disguise than any I’ve ever tried to see through.”
Monica had a sense of something perilous in this conversation. It arose from a secret trouble in her own heart, which she might, involuntarily, be led to betray. She had never talked thus confidentially with any man; not, in truth, with her husband. There was no fear whatever of her conceiving an undue interest in Barfoot; certain reasons assured her of that; but talk that was at all sentimental gravely threatened her peace—what little remained to her. It would have been better to discourage this man’s confidences; yet they flattered her so pleasantly, and afforded such a fruitful subject for speculation, that she could not obey the prompting of prudence.
Monica felt there was something risky about this conversation. It stemmed from a hidden issue in her heart that she might unintentionally reveal. She had never spoken so openly with any man, not even with her husband. She had no fear of developing an inappropriate interest in Barfoot; certain reasons confirmed that for her. However, any kind of sentimental talk seriously threatened her peace—what little she had left. It would have been wiser to discourage this man's confessions; yet they flattered her so much and offered such an interesting topic for thought that she couldn’t ignore her instincts for caution.
“Do you mean,” she said, “that Miss Nunn seems to disguise her feelings?”
“Are you saying,” she asked, “that Miss Nunn appears to hide her feelings?”
“It is supposed to be wrong—isn’t it?—for a man to ask one woman her opinion of another.”
“It’s considered wrong, right? —for a man to ask one woman what she thinks of another.”
“I can’t be treacherous if I wished,” Monica replied. “I don’t feel that I understand her.”
“I can’t be deceitful even if I wanted to,” Monica replied. “I don’t feel like I really understand her.”
Barfoot wondered how much intelligence he might attribute to Mrs. Widdowson. Obviously her level was much below that of Rhoda. Yet she seemed to possess delicate sensibilities, and a refinement of thought not often met with in women of her position. Seriously desiring her aid, he looked at her with a grave smile, and asked,—
Barfoot wondered how much intelligence he could attribute to Mrs. Widdowson. Clearly, her level was much lower than Rhoda's. Still, she seemed to have delicate sensibilities and a level of thoughtfulness not often seen in women of her status. Seriously wanting her help, he looked at her with a serious smile and asked,—
“Do you believe her capable of falling in love?”
“Do you think she’s capable of falling in love?”
Monica showed a painful confusion. She overcame it, however, and soon answered.
Monica looked genuinely confused but managed to get past it and soon replied.
“She would perhaps try not—not to acknowledge it to herself.”
“She might try not to acknowledge it to herself.”
“When, in fact, it had happened?”
“When did it really happen?”
“She thinks it so much nobler to disregard such feelings.”
“She thinks it’s so much nobler to ignore such feelings.”
“I know. She is to be an inspiring example to the women who cannot hope to marry.” He laughed silently. “And I suppose it is quite possible that mere shame would withhold her from taking the opposite course.”
“I know. She is supposed to be an inspiring example for the women who can’t expect to marry.” He laughed quietly. “And I guess it’s quite possible that simple shame would keep her from going in the opposite direction.”
“I think she is very strong. But—”
“I think she is really strong. But—”
“But?”
"But?"
He looked eagerly into her face.
He looked eagerly at her face.
“I can’t tell. I don’t really know her. A woman may be as much a mystery to another woman as she is to a man.”
“I can’t say. I don’t really know her. A woman can be just as much a mystery to another woman as she is to a man.”
“On the whole, I am glad to hear you say that. I believe it. It is only the vulgar that hold a different opinion.”
“Overall, I'm really glad to hear you say that. I believe it. It's only the ignorant who think otherwise.”
“Shall we look at the pictures, Mr. Barfoot?”
“Shall we check out the pictures, Mr. Barfoot?”
“Oh, I am so sorry. I have been wasting your time—”
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ve been wasting your time—”
Nervously disclaiming any such thought, Monica rose and drew near to the canvases. They walked on together for some ten minutes, until Barfoot, who had turned to look at a passing figure, said in his ordinary voice—
Nervously dismissing any such idea, Monica got up and moved closer to the canvases. They walked together for about ten minutes until Barfoot, who had turned to glance at someone passing by, said in his usual voice—
“I think that is Mr. Widdowson on the other side of the room.”
“I think that's Mr. Widdowson on the other side of the room.”
Monica looked quickly round, and saw her husband, as if occupied with the pictures, glancing in her direction.
Monica quickly looked around and saw her husband, seemingly focused on the pictures, glancing her way.
CHAPTER XIX
THE CLANK OF THE CHAINS
Since Saturday evening Monica and her husband had not been on speaking terms. A visit she paid to Mildred Vesper, after her call at Miss Barfoot’s, prolonged itself so that she did not reach home until the dinner-hour was long past. On arriving, she was met with an outburst of tremendous wrath, to which she opposed a resolute and haughty silence; and since then the two had kept as much apart as possible.
Since Saturday evening, Monica and her husband hadn't been speaking to each other. A visit she made to Mildred Vesper after stopping by Miss Barfoot's ended up taking so long that she didn't get home until well after dinner time. When she arrived, she was met with an explosive reaction, which she responded to with determined and proud silence; since then, they had been keeping as far apart as possible.
Widdowson knew that Monica was going to the Academy. He allowed her to set forth alone, and even tried to persuade himself that he was indifferent as to the hour of her return; but she had not long been gone before he followed. Insufferable misery possessed him. His married life threatened to terminate in utter wreck, and he had the anguish of recognizing that to a great extent this catastrophe would be his own fault. Resolve as he might, he found it impossible to repress the impulses of jealousy which, as soon as peace had been declared between them, brought about a new misunderstanding. Terrible thoughts smouldered in his mind; he felt himself to be one of those men who are driven by passion into crime. Deliberately he had brooded over a tragic close to the wretchedness of his existence; he would kill himself, and Monica should perish with him. But an hour of contentment sufficed to banish such visions as sheer frenzy. He saw once more how harmless, how natural, were Monica’s demands, and how peacefully he might live with her but for the curse of suspicion from which he could not free himself. Any other man would deem her a model of wifely virtue. Her care of the house was all that reason could desire. In her behaviour he had never detected the slightest impropriety. He believed her chaste as any woman living She asked only to be trusted, and that, in spite of all, was beyond his power.
Widdowson knew that Monica was going to the Academy. He let her go alone and even tried to convince himself that he didn’t care what time she got back; but it wasn’t long before he followed after her. He was consumed by unbearable misery. His marriage seemed to be on the brink of total collapse, and he felt the pain of admitting that, to a large extent, this disaster was his own doing. No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t control the impulses of jealousy that, once peace was restored between them, sparked yet another misunderstanding. Dark thoughts lingered in his mind; he felt like one of those men who are driven by passion into crime. He had deliberately contemplated a tragic end to the misery of his life; he would take his own life, and Monica would die with him. But just an hour of happiness was enough to chase away such visions as madness. He saw once again how harmless and natural Monica’s needs were, and how peacefully he could live with her if it weren’t for the curse of suspicion that he couldn’t shake off. Any other man would see her as a perfect wife. Her management of the home was all that one could ask for. He had never seen the slightest hint of impropriety in her behavior. He believed her to be as pure as any woman alive. She only asked to be trusted, and that, despite everything, was beyond his reach.
In no woman on earth could he have put perfect confidence. He regarded them as born to perpetual pupilage. Not that their inclinations were necessarily wanton; they were simply incapable of attaining maturity, remained throughout their life imperfect beings, at the mercy of craft, ever liable to be misled by childish misconceptions. Of course he was right; he himself represented the guardian male, the wife-proprietor, who from the dawn of civilization has taken abundant care that woman shall not outgrow her nonage. The bitterness of his situation lay in the fact that he had wedded a woman who irresistibly proved to him her claims as a human being. Reason and tradition contended in him, to his ceaseless torment.
He couldn’t put complete trust in any woman on earth. He viewed them as forever needing guidance. It wasn't that they were necessarily promiscuous; they just seemed unable to reach full maturity, remaining incomplete throughout their lives, vulnerable to manipulation and easily misled by naive ideas. Of course, he believed he was right; he saw himself as the protective male, the husband-owner, who since the beginning of civilization has taken great care to ensure that women don't surpass their immaturity. The frustration of his situation was that he had married a woman who undeniably demonstrated her worth as a human being. Reason and tradition battled within him, causing him endless torment.
And again, he feared that Monica did not love him. Had she ever loved him? There was too much ground for suspecting that she had only yielded to the persistence of his entreaties, with just liking enough to permit a semblance of tenderness, and glad to exchange her prospect of distasteful work for a comfortable married life. Her liking he might have fostered; during those first happy weeks, assuredly he had done so, for no woman could be insensible to the passionate worship manifest in his every look, his every word. Later, he took the wrong path, seeking to oppose her instincts, to reform her mind, eventually to become her lord and master. Could he not even now retrace his steps? Supposing her incapable of bowing before him, of kissing his feet, could he not be content to make of her a loyal friend, a delightful companion?
And once again, he worried that Monica didn’t love him. Had she ever really loved him? There was plenty of reason to doubt, as it seemed she had only given in to his constant pleading, with just enough affection to create the appearance of tenderness, and was happy to trade her chance of an unpleasant job for a comfortable married life. He might have encouraged her feelings; during those first happy weeks, he definitely had, because no woman could ignore the intense admiration shining through in his every look and word. Later, he took a wrong turn, trying to suppress her instincts, wanting to change her mind, ultimately aiming to take control. Could he not even now go back to where he started? Even if she couldn’t submit to him or kiss his feet, could he not be satisfied with having her as a loyal friend and a wonderful companion?
In that mood he hastened towards Burlington House. Seeking Monica through the galleries, he saw her at length—sitting side by side with that man Barfoot. They were in closest colloquy. Barfoot bent towards her as if speaking in an undertone, a smile on his face. Monica looked at once pleased and troubled.
In that mood, he hurried toward Burlington House. Looking for Monica through the galleries, he finally spotted her—sitting next to that guy Barfoot. They were deep in conversation. Barfoot leaned towards her as if speaking quietly, a smile on his face. Monica looked both happy and anxious.
The blood boiled in his veins. His first impulse was to walk straight up to Monica and bid her follow him. But the ecstasy of jealous suffering kept him an observer. He watched the pair until he was descried.
The blood boiled in his veins. His first instinct was to walk right up to Monica and tell her to follow him. But the thrill of jealous pain kept him as an observer. He watched the couple until he was noticed.
There was no help for it. Though his brain whirled, and his flesh was stabbed, he had no choice but to take the hand Barfoot offered him. Smile he could not, nor speak a word.
There was no way around it. Even though his mind was racing and his body ached, he had no choice but to take the hand Barfoot extended to him. He couldn't smile or say a word.
“So you have come after all?” Monica was saying to him.
“So you did come after all?” Monica said to him.
He nodded. On her countenance there was obvious embarrassment, but this needed no explanation save the history of the last day or two. Looking into her eyes, he knew not whether consciousness of wrong might be read there. How to get at the secrets of this woman’s heart?
He nodded. She clearly looked embarrassed, but that needed no explanation other than what had happened over the past day or two. Looking into her eyes, he couldn’t tell if the awareness of wrongdoing was evident there. How could he uncover the secrets of this woman’s heart?
Barfoot was talking, pointing at this picture and that, doing his best to smooth what he saw was an awkward situation. The gloomy husband, more like a tyrant than ever, muttered incoherent phrases. In a minute or two Everard freed himself and moved out of sight.
Barfoot was talking, pointing at this picture and that, trying hard to ease what he recognized as an uncomfortable situation. The brooding husband, looking more like a tyrant than ever, mumbled nonsensical phrases. In a minute or two, Everard got himself free and stepped out of sight.
Monica turned from her husband and affected interest in the pictures. They reached the end of the room before Widdowson spoke.
Monica turned away from her husband and pretended to be interested in the pictures. They got to the end of the room before Widdowson said anything.
“How long do you want to stay here?”
“How long do you want to be here?”
“I will go whenever you like,” she answered, without looking at him.
“I’ll go whenever you want,” she replied, not looking at him.
“I have no wish to spoil your pleasure.”
“I don’t want to ruin your enjoyment.”
“Really, I have very little pleasure in anything. Did you come to keep me in sight?”
“Honestly, I find very little enjoyment in anything. Did you come to keep an eye on me?”
“I think we will go home now, and you can come another day.”
“I think we should head home now, and you can come by another day.”
Monica assented by closing her catalogue and walking on.
Monica agreed by closing her catalog and moving on.
Without a word, they made the journey back to Herne Hill. Widdowson shut himself in the library, and did not appear till dinner-time. The meal was a pretence for both of them, and as soon as they could rise from the table they again parted.
Without saying anything, they went back to Herne Hill. Widdowson locked himself in the library and didn't come out until dinner. The meal felt fake for both of them, and as soon as they could get up from the table, they separated again.
About ten o’clock Monica was joined by her husband in the drawing-room.
About ten o’clock, Monica was joined by her husband in the living room.
“I have almost made up my mind,” he said, standing near her, “to take a serious step. As you have always spoken with pleasure of your old home, Clevedon, suppose we give up this house and go and live there?”
“I’ve almost made up my mind,” he said, standing next to her, “to take a serious step. Since you’ve always talked about your old home, Clevedon, how about we sell this house and move there?”
“It is for you to decide.”
“It’s up to you to decide.”
“I want to know whether you would have any objection.”
“I want to know if you have any objections.”
“I shall do as you wish.”
"I'll do what you say."
“No, that isn’t enough. The plan I have in mind is this. I should take a good large house—no doubt rents are low in the neighbourhood—and ask your sisters to come and live with us. I think it would be a good thing both for them and for you.”
“No, that’s not enough. Here’s the plan I’m thinking about. I should get a nice big house—rent is probably low in the area—and invite your sisters to live with us. I believe it would be beneficial for both them and you.”
“You can’t be sure that they would agree to it. You see that Virginia prefers her lodgings to living here.”
“You can’t be sure they would agree to it. You can see that Virginia prefers her place to living here.”
Oddly enough, this was the case. On their return from Guernsey they had invited Virginia to make a permanent home with them, and she refused. Her reasons Monica could not understand; those which she alleged—vague arguments as to its being better for a wife’s relatives not to burden the husband—hardly seemed genuine. It was possible that Virginia had a distaste for Widdowson’s society.
Oddly enough, this was true. On their return from Guernsey, they had invited Virginia to live with them permanently, and she declined. Monica couldn't grasp her reasons; the ones she gave—vague claims about it being better for a wife’s family not to burden the husband—didn't seem sincere. It was possible that Virginia just didn't like being around Widdowson.
“I think they both would be glad to live at Clevedon,” he urged, “judging from your sisters’ talk. It’s plain that they have quite given up the idea of the school, and Alice, you tell me, is getting dissatisfied with her work at Yatton. But I must know whether you will enter seriously into this scheme.”
“I think they’d both be happy to live at Clevedon,” he insisted, “based on what your sisters have said. It's clear that they’ve completely abandoned the idea of the school, and Alice, you mentioned, is becoming unhappy with her job at Yatton. But I need to know if you’re going to take this plan seriously.”
Monica kept silence.
Monica stayed silent.
“Please answer me.”
"Please respond."
“Why have you thought of it?”
“Why are you thinking about it?”
“I don’t think I need explain. We have had too many unpleasant conversations, and I wish to act for the best without saying things you would misunderstand.”
“I don’t think I need to explain. We’ve had too many uncomfortable conversations, and I want to do what’s best without saying things you might misunderstand.”
“There is no fear of my misunderstanding. You have no confidence in me, and you want to get me away into a quiet country place where I shall be under your eyes every moment. It’s much better to say that plainly.”
“There’s no worry about me misunderstanding. You don’t trust me, and you want to take me away to a quiet countryside where you can keep an eye on me every moment. It’s much better to just say it outright.”
“That means you would consider it going to prison.”
"That means you would think of it as going to prison."
“How could I help? What other motive have you?”
“How can I help? What other reason do you have?”
He was prompted to make brutal declaration of authority, and so cut the knot. Monica’s unanswerable argument merely angered him. But he made an effort over himself.
He felt forced to make a harsh statement of authority, and so he resolved the issue. Monica's irrefutable argument only made him more angry. But he tried to control himself.
“Don’t you think it best that we should take some step before our happiness is irretrievably ruined?”
“Don’t you think it’s best if we take some action before our happiness is completely ruined?”
“I see no need for its ruin. As I have told you before, in talking like that you degrade yourself and insult me.”
“I don't see any reason for its destruction. As I've mentioned before, speaking like that lowers your own worth and disrespects me.”
“I have my faults; I know them only too well. One of them is that I cannot bear you to make friends with people who are not of my kind. I shall never be able to endure that.”
“I have my flaws; I’m all too aware of them. One of them is that I can’t stand you making friends with people who aren’t like me. I’ll never be able to accept that.”
“Of course you are speaking of Mr. Barfoot.”
“Of course you’re talking about Mr. Barfoot.”
“Yes,” he avowed sullenly. “It was a very unfortunate thing that I happened to come up just as he was in your company.”
“Yes,” he admitted gloomily. “It was really unfortunate that I showed up right when he was with you.”
“You are so very unreasonable,” exclaimed Monica tartly. “What possible harm is there in Mr. Barfoot, when he meets me by chance in a public place, having a conversation with me? I wish I knew twenty such men. Such conversation gives me a new interest in life. I have every reason to think well of Mr. Barfoot.”
“You're being so unreasonable,” Monica said sharply. “What harm is there in Mr. Barfoot talking to me if we happen to run into each other in a public place? I wish I knew twenty guys like him. That kind of conversation makes life more interesting for me. I have every reason to think highly of Mr. Barfoot.”
Widdowson was in anguish.
Widdowson was in pain.
“And I,” he replied, in a voice shaken with angry feeling, “feel that I have every reason to dislike and suspect him. He is not an honest man; his face tells me that. I know his life wouldn’t bear inspection. You can’t possibly be as good a judge as I am in such a case. Contrast him with Bevis. No, Bevis is a man one can trust; one talk with him produces a lasting favourable impression.”
“And I,” he said, his voice trembling with anger, “have every reason to dislike and distrust him. He isn’t an honest man; his face says it all. I know his life wouldn’t hold up under scrutiny. You can’t possibly judge as well as I can in this situation. Compare him to Bevis. No, Bevis is someone you can trust; just one conversation with him leaves a lasting positive impression.”
Monica, silent for a brief space, looked fixedly before her, her features all but expressionless.
Monica was quiet for a moment, staring straight ahead, her face almost emotionless.
“Yet even with Mr. Bevis,” she said at length, “you don’t make friends. That is the fault in you which causes all this trouble. You haven’t a sociable spirit. Your dislike of Mr. Barfoot only means that you don’t know him, and don’t wish to. And you are completely wrong in your judgment of him. I have every reason for being sure that you are wrong.”
“Yet even with Mr. Bevis,” she said after a pause, “you don’t make friends. That’s the issue with you that leads to all this trouble. You lack a sociable nature. Your dislike of Mr. Barfoot just shows that you don’t know him and don’t want to. And you’re totally mistaken in your judgment of him. I have every reason to believe you’re wrong.”
“Of course you think so. In your ignorance of the world—”
“Of course you think that. In your lack of knowledge about the world—”
“Which you think very proper in a woman,” she interposed caustically.
"Which you think is very appropriate for a woman," she interjected sharply.
“Yes, I do! That kind of knowledge is harmful to a woman.”
“Yes, I do! That kind of knowledge is dangerous for a woman.”
“Then, please, how is she to judge her acquaintances?”
“Then, how is she supposed to judge her friends?”
“A married woman must accept her husband’s opinion, at all events about men.” He plunged on into the ancient quagmire. “A man may know with impunity what is injurious if it enters a woman’s mind.”
“A married woman has to go along with her husband’s views, especially when it comes to men.” He continued delving into the old mess. “A man can understand what is harmful without consequence if it crosses a woman’s mind.”
“I don’t believe that. I can’t and won’t believe it.”
“I don’t believe that. I can’t and won’t believe it.”
He made a gesture of despair.
He gestured in frustration.
“We differ hopelessly. It was all very well to discuss these things when you could do so in a friendly spirit. Now you say whatever you know will irritate me, and you say it on purpose to irritate me.”
“We fundamentally disagree. It was easy to talk about these things when we were getting along. Now you only say things that you know will annoy me, and you do it intentionally to get under my skin.”
“No; indeed I do not. But you are quite right that I find it hard to be friendly with you. Most earnestly I wish to be your friend—your true and faithful friend. But you won’t let me.”
“No; I really don’t. But you’re right that I struggle to be friendly with you. I truly want to be your friend—your genuine and loyal friend. But you won’t allow me to.”
“Friend!” he cried scornfully. “The woman who has become my wife ought to be something more than a friend, I should think. You have lost all love for me—there’s the misery.”
“Friend!” he shouted mockingly. “The woman who is now my wife should be more than just a friend, don’t you think? You’ve lost all love for me—that’s the real tragedy.”
Monica could not reply. That word “love” had grown a weariness to her upon his lips. She did not love him; could not pretend to love him. Every day the distance between them widened, and when he took her in his arms she had to struggle with a sense of shrinking, of disgust. The union was unnatural; she felt herself constrained by a hateful force when he called upon her for the show of wifely tenderness. Yet how was she to utter this? The moment such a truth had passed her lips she must leave him. To declare that no trace of love remained in her heart, and still to live with him—that was impossible! The dark foresight of a necessity of parting from him corresponded in her to those lurid visions which at times shook Widdowson with a horrible temptation.
Monica couldn’t respond. The word “love” had become wearisome to her when he said it. She didn’t love him; she couldn’t even fake it. Every day, the gap between them grew wider, and when he held her, she battled feelings of shrinking, even disgust. Their connection felt unnatural; she felt trapped by a loathsome force when he expected her to show wifely affection. But how could she express this? The moment she spoke that truth, she would have to leave him. To admit that no love was left in her heart and still live with him was impossible! The dark realization that she eventually needed to part from him mirrored the disturbing visions that sometimes tormented Widdowson with a horrible temptation.
“You don’t love me,” he continued in harsh, choking tones. “You wish to be my friend. That’s how you try to compensate me for the loss of your love.”
“You don’t love me,” he said in a rough, strained voice. “You want to be my friend. That’s how you try to make up for the loss of your love.”
He laughed with bitterness.
He bitterly laughed.
“When you say that,” Monica answered, “do you ever ask yourself whether you try to make me love you? Scenes like this are ruining my health. I have come to dread your talk. I have almost forgotten the sound of your voice when it isn’t either angry or complaining.”
“When you say that,” Monica replied, “do you ever think about whether you’re trying to get me to love you? Moments like this are hurting my health. I’ve started to dread our conversations. I’ve nearly forgotten what your voice sounds like when it isn’t angry or complaining.”
Widdowson walked about the room, and a deep moan escaped him.
Widdowson walked around the room, and a deep groan slipped out.
“That is why I have asked you to go away from here, Monica. We must have a new home if our life is to begin anew.”
“That’s why I’ve asked you to leave this place, Monica. We need a new home if we want to start fresh.”
“I have no faith in mere change of place. You would be the same man. If you cannot command your senseless jealousy here, you never would anywhere else.”
“I don't believe that just changing your location will help. You would still be the same person. If you can't control your unreasonable jealousy here, you won't be able to do it anywhere else.”
He made an effort to say something; seemed to abandon it; again tried, and spoke in a thick, unnatural voice.
He tried to say something; it seemed like he gave up; then he made another attempt and spoke in a slurred, awkward voice.
“Can you honestly repeat to me what Barfoot was saying to-day, when you were on the seat together?”
“Can you honestly tell me what Barfoot was saying today when you were sitting together?”
Monica’s eyes flashed.
Monica's eyes lit up.
“I could; every word. But I shall not try to do so.”
“I could; every word. But I won’t try to do that.”
“Not if I beseech you to, Monica? To put my mind at rest—”
“Not if I ask you to, Monica? To ease my mind—”
“No. When I tell you that you might have heard every syllable, I have said all that I shall.”
“No. When I say that you may have heard every word, I’ve said everything I need to say.”
It mortified him profoundly that he should have been driven to make so humiliating a request. He threw himself into a chair and hid his face, sitting thus for a long time in the hope that Monica would be moved to compassion. But when she rose it was only to retire for the night. And with wretchedness in her heart, because she must needs go to the same chamber in which her husband would sleep. She wished so to be alone. The poorest bed in a servant’s garret would have been thrice welcome to her; liberty to lie awake, to think without a disturbing presence, to shed tears if need be—that seemed to her a precious boon. She thought with envy of the shop-girls in Walworth Road; wished herself back there. What unspeakable folly she had committed! And how true was everything she had heard from Rhoda Nunn on the subject of marriage! The next day Widdowson resorted to an expedient which he had once before tried in like circumstances. He wrote his wife a long letter, eight close pages, reviewing the cause of their troubles, confessing his own errors, insisting gently on those chargeable to her, and finally imploring her to cooperate with him in a sincere endeavour to restore their happiness. This he laid on the table after lunch, and then left Monica alone that she might read it. Knowing beforehand all that the letter contained, Monica glanced over it carelessly. An answer was expected, and she wrote one as briefly as possible.
It deeply embarrassed him that he had been pushed to make such a humiliating request. He threw himself into a chair and buried his face in his hands, staying that way for a long time, hoping that Monica would feel compassion. But when she got up, it was just to go to bed for the night. With sadness in her heart, she had to enter the same room where her husband would sleep. She longed for some solitude. Even the simplest bed in a servant’s attic would have been a welcome relief to her; the freedom to stay awake, to think without distractions, to cry if she needed to—that seemed like a precious gift. She envied the shop girls on Walworth Road and wished she could go back to that life. What an incredible mistake she had made! And how accurate everything Rhoda Nunn had said about marriage was! The next day, Widdowson turned to a tactic he had used before in similar situations. He wrote his wife a long letter, eight pages filled, reviewing the reasons for their troubles, admitting his own faults, gently pointing out those that were her responsibility, and finally begging her to work with him in a genuine effort to bring back their happiness. He placed it on the table after lunch and then left Monica alone to read it. Knowing exactly what the letter said, Monica skimmed through it carelessly. An answer was expected, and she wrote back as briefly as she could.
“Your behaviour seems to me very weak, very unmanly. You make us both miserable, and quite without cause. I can only say as I have said before, that things will never be better until you come to think of me as your free companion, not as your bond-woman. If you can’t do this, you will make me wish that I had never met you, and in the end I am sure it won’t be possible for us to go on living together.”
“Your behavior looks very weak and unmanly to me. You make both of us miserable, and there's no reason for it. I can only repeat what I've said before: things will never improve until you see me as your equal partner, not as your servant. If you can’t do this, you’ll make me regret ever meeting you, and in the end, I’m sure we won’t be able to continue living together.”
She left this note, in a blank envelope, on the hall table, and went out to walk for an hour.
She left this note in a blank envelope on the hall table and went out for a walk for an hour.
It was the end of one more acute stage in their progressive discord. By keeping at home for a fortnight, Monica soothed her husband and obtained some repose for her own nerves. But she could no longer affect a cordial reconciliation; caresses left her cold, and Widdowson saw that his company was never so agreeable to her as solitude. When they sat together, both were reading. Monica found more attraction in books as her life grew more unhappy. Though with reluctance Widdowson had consented to a subscription at Mudie’s, and from the new catalogues she either chose for herself, necessarily at random, or by the advice of better-read people, such as she met at Mrs. Cosgrove’s. What modern teaching was to be got from these volumes her mind readily absorbed. She sought for opinions and arguments which were congenial to her mood of discontent, all but of revolt.
It marked the end of yet another intense phase in their ongoing conflict. By staying home for two weeks, Monica calmed her husband and gave herself a break. But she could no longer pretend to be genuinely reconciled; affectionate gestures left her feeling indifferent, and Widdowson realized that his presence was never as pleasing to her as being alone. When they were together, both were absorbed in their reading. As her life became more unhappy, Monica found greater comfort in books. Although Widdowson had reluctantly agreed to a subscription at Mudie’s, she selected titles either randomly from the new catalogs or based on recommendations from better-read acquaintances like those she met at Mrs. Cosgrove’s. She eagerly absorbed the modern ideas presented in these volumes. She searched for opinions and arguments that resonated with her feelings of discontent, bordering on rebellion.
Sometimes the perusal of a love-story embittered her lot to the last point of endurance. Before marriage, her love-ideal had been very vague, elusive; it found scarcely more than negative expression, as a shrinking from the vulgar or gross desires of her companions in the shop. Now that she had a clearer understanding of her own nature, the type of man correspondent to her natural sympathies also became clear. In every particular he was unlike her husband. She found a suggestion of him in books; and in actual life, already, perhaps something more than a suggestion. Widdowson’s jealousy, in so far as it directed itself against her longing for freedom, was fully justified; this consciousness often made her sullen when she desired to express a nobler indignation; but his special prejudice led him altogether astray, and in free resistance on this point she found the relief which enabled her to bear a secret self-reproach. Her refusal to repeat the substance of Barfoot’s conversation was, in some degree, prompted by a wish for the continuance of his groundless fears. By persevering in suspicion of Barfoot, he afforded her a firm foothold in their ever-renewed quarrels.
Sometimes reading a love story made her feel trapped to the breaking point. Before marriage, her ideal of love had been pretty vague and hard to grasp; it only expressed itself in a negative way, as a rejection of the crass desires of her coworkers in the shop. Now that she better understood herself, the type of man who aligned with her natural feelings became clear. He was completely unlike her husband in every way. She found hints of him in books, and in real life, perhaps more than just hints. Widdowson’s jealousy, especially regarding her desire for freedom, was somewhat justified; this awareness often made her sulky when she wanted to express a nobler anger. However, his specific biases led him completely off track, and in her defiance on this matter, she found relief that helped her endure a hidden self-blame. Her refusal to share what Barfoot had said was partly driven by a desire to prolong his unfounded worries. By continuing to distrust Barfoot, he gave her a solid footing in their ongoing arguments.
A husband’s misdirected jealousy excites in the wife derision and a sense of superiority; more often than not, it fosters an unsuspected attachment, prompts to a perverse pleasure in misleading. Monica became aware of this; in her hours of misery she now and then gave a harsh laugh, the result of thoughts not seriously entertained, but tempting the fancy to recklessness. What, she asked herself again, would be the end of it all? Ten years hence, would she have subdued her soul to a life of weary insignificance, if not of dishonour? For it was dishonour to live with a man she could not love, whether her heart cherished another image or was merely vacant. A dishonour to which innumerable women submitted, a dishonour glorified by social precept, enforced under dread penalties.
A husband's misplaced jealousy stirs up mockery and a sense of superiority in the wife; more often than not, it creates an unexpected bond and leads to a twisted pleasure in deceiving him. Monica realized this; during her moments of despair, she sometimes let out a harsh laugh, stemming from thoughts she didn't take seriously, but that tempted her into reckless fantasies. What, she wondered again, would be the outcome of all this? Ten years from now, would she have stifled her spirit in a life of tiresome insignificance, if not dishonor? Because it felt like dishonor to live with a man she couldn't love, whether her heart was taken by another or simply empty. A dishonor that countless women accepted, a dishonor praised by society's standards, enforced under the threat of severe consequences.
But she was so young, and life abounds in unexpected changes.
But she was so young, and life is full of unexpected changes.
CHAPTER XX
THE FIRST LIE
Mrs. Cosgrove was a childless widow, with sufficient means and a very mixed multitude of acquaintances. In the general belief her marriage had been a happy one; when she spoke of her deceased husband it was with respect, and not seldom with affection. Yet her views on the matrimonial relation were known to be of singular audacity. She revealed them only to a small circle of intimates; most of the people who frequented her house had no startling theories to maintain, and regarded their hostess as a good-natured, rather eccentric woman, who loved society and understood how to amuse her guests.
Mrs. Cosgrove was a childless widow with enough money and a diverse group of friends. Most people thought her marriage had been a happy one; when she talked about her late husband, she did so with respect and often with warmth. However, her views on marriage were known to be quite unconventional. She only shared these thoughts with a close group of friends; most of the guests who visited her home didn't have any shocking opinions and saw their hostess as a kind-hearted, somewhat quirky woman who enjoyed socializing and knew how to entertain her guests.
Wealth and position were rarely represented in her drawing-room; nor, on the other hand, was Bohemianism. Mrs. Cosgrove belonged by birth and marriage to the staid middle class, and it seemed as if she made it her object to provide with social entertainment the kind of persons who, in an ordinary way, would enjoy very little of it. Lonely and impecunious girls or women were frequently about her; she tried to keep them in good spirits, tried to marry them if marriage seemed possible, and, it was whispered, used a good deal of her income for the practical benefit of those who needed assistance. A sprinkling of maidens who were neither lonely nor impecunious served to attract young men, generally strugglers in some profession or other, on the lookout for a wife. Intercourse went on with a minimum of formalities. Chaperonage—save for that represented by the hostess herself—was as often as not dispensed with.
Wealth and status were rarely evident in her living room, nor was Bohemianism. Mrs. Cosgrove was a member of the stable middle class by birth and marriage, and it seemed her goal was to provide social entertainment for people who typically wouldn’t have much of it. Lonely and broke girls or women were often around her; she tried to keep their spirits up, attempted to help them find husbands when marriage seemed possible, and, it was rumored, spent a significant portion of her income to support those in need. A few young women who were neither lonely nor broke helped attract young men, usually those struggling in various professions and looking for a wife. Interactions happened with minimal formalities. Chaperoning—except for the presence of the hostess herself—was often ignored.
“We want to get rid of a lot of sham propriety”—so she urged to her closer friends. “Girls must learn to trust themselves, and look out for dangers. If a girl can only be kept straight by incessant watchfulness, why, let her go where she will, and learn by experience. In fact, I want to see experience substituted for precept.”
“We need to ditch a lot of fake politeness,” she urged her closer friends. “Girls need to learn to trust themselves and stay alert to dangers. If a girl can only stay on the right path with constant supervision, then let her go wherever she wants and learn through experience. Actually, I want to see experience take the place of instructions.”
Between this lady and Miss Barfoot there were considerable divergences of opinion, yet they agreed on a sufficient number of points to like each other very well. Occasionally one of Mrs. Cosgrove’s protegees passed into Miss Barfoot’s hands, abandoning the thought of matrimony for study in Great Portland Street. Rhoda Nunn, also, had a liking for Mrs. Cosgrove, though she made no secret of her opinion that Mrs. Cosgrove’s influence was on the whole decidedly harmful.
Between this lady and Miss Barfoot, there were significant differences in opinion, but they agreed on enough points to get along quite well. Occasionally, one of Mrs. Cosgrove’s protegees would move into Miss Barfoot’s care, trading the idea of marriage for studies in Great Portland Street. Rhoda Nunn also had an affection for Mrs. Cosgrove, although she didn't hide her belief that Mrs. Cosgrove’s influence was, overall, pretty harmful.
“That house,” she once said to Miss Barfoot, “is nothing more than a matrimonial agency.”
“That house,” she once told Miss Barfoot, “is just a matchmaking service.”
“But so is every house where many people are entertained.”
“But so is every home where many people are hosted.”
“Not in the same way. Mrs. Cosgrove was speaking to me of some girl who has just accepted an offer of marriage. “I don’t think they’ll suit each other,” she said, “but there’s no harm in trying.””
“Not in the same way. Mrs. Cosgrove was telling me about a girl who just accepted a marriage proposal. “I don’t think they’re a good match,” she said, “but there’s no harm in giving it a shot.””
Miss Barfoot could not restrain a laugh.
Miss Barfoot couldn't help but laugh.
“Who knows? Perhaps she is right in that view of things. After all, you know, it’s only putting into plain words what everybody thinks on all but every such occasion.”
“Who knows? Maybe she has a point there. After all, you know, it’s just stating clearly what everyone thinks in almost every situation like this.”
“The first part of her remark—yes,” said Rhoda caustically. “But as for the “no harm in trying,” well, let us ask the wife’s opinion in a year’s time.”
“The first part of her comment—yeah,” Rhoda said sarcastically. “But about the ‘no harm in trying,’ let’s check in with the wife’s thoughts in a year.”
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
Midway in the London season on Sunday afternoon, about a score of visitors were assembled in Mrs. Cosgrove’s drawing-rooms—there were two of them, with a landing between. As usual, some one sat at the piano, but a hum of talk went on as undercurrent to the music. Downstairs, in the library, half a dozen people found the quietness they preferred, and among these was Mrs. Widdowson. She had an album of portraits on her lap; whilst turning them over, she listened to a chat going on between the sprightly Mr. Bevis and a young married woman who laughed ceaselessly at his jokes. It was only a few minutes since she had come down from the drawing-room. Presently her eyes encountered a glance from Bevis, and at once he stepped over to a seat beside her.
Midway through the London season on Sunday afternoon, about twenty guests were gathered in Mrs. Cosgrove’s drawing rooms—there were two, with a landing in between. As usual, someone was playing the piano, but there was a low murmur of conversation blending with the music. Downstairs, in the library, a small group found the quiet they preferred, and among them was Mrs. Widdowson. She had an album of portraits on her lap; while flipping through it, she listened to a conversation between the lively Mr. Bevis and a young married woman who laughed nonstop at his jokes. She had just come down from the drawing room a few minutes earlier. Soon, her eyes caught Bevis’s glance, and he immediately walked over to sit next to her.
“Your sisters are not here to-day?” she said.
“Your sisters aren’t here today?” she said.
“No. They have guests of their own. And when are you coming to see them again?”
“No. They have their own guests. When are you coming to see them again?”
“Before long, I hope.”
"Hope to see soon."
Bevis looked away and seemed to reflect.
Bevis looked away and appeared to think.
“Do come next Saturday—could you?”
“Please come next Saturday—can you?”
“I had better not promise.”
“I shouldn’t promise.”
“Do try, and”—he lowered his voice—“come alone. Forgive me for saying that. The girls are rather afraid of Mr. Widdowson, that’s the truth. They would so like a free gossip with you. Let me tell them to expect you about half-past three or four. They will rise up and call me blessed.”
“Please try, and”—he lowered his voice—“come by yourself. I apologize for saying that. The girls are quite scared of Mr. Widdowson, that’s the truth. They would really like to have a free chat with you. Let me inform them to expect you around three-thirty or four. They will be singing my praises.”
Laughing, Monica at length agreed to come if circumstances were favourable. Her talk with Bevis continued for a long time, until people had begun to leave. Some other acquaintance then claimed her, but she was now dull and monosyllabic, as if conversation had exhausted her energies. At six o’clock she stole away unobserved, and went home.
Laughing, Monica finally agreed to come if the conditions were right. Her conversation with Bevis went on for a long time, until people started to leave. Then another acquaintance wanted her attention, but she was now quiet and gave short responses, as if talking had drained her energy. At six o’clock, she slipped away unnoticed and headed home.
Widdowson had resigned himself, in appearance at all events, to these absences. It was several weeks since he had accompanied his wife to call upon any one; a sluggishness was creeping over him, strengthening his disinclination for society. The futile endeavour to act with decision, to carry Monica away into Somerset, resulted, as futile efforts of that kind are wont to do, in increased feebleness of the will; he was less capable than ever of exerting the authority which he still believed himself to keep for the last resort. Occasionally some days went by without his leaving the house. Instead of the one daily newspaper he had been used to take he now received three; after breakfast he sometimes spent a couple of hours over the Times, and the evening papers often occupied him from dinner to bedtime. Monica noticed, with a painful conflict of emotions, that his hair had begun to lose its uniform colour, and to show streaks that matched with his grizzled beard. Was she responsible for this?
Widdowson had come to terms, at least on the surface, with these absences. It had been weeks since he had taken his wife to visit anyone; a sense of heaviness was settling in, making him even less interested in socializing. His useless attempts to act decisively, to take Monica away to Somerset, ended up, as such attempts often do, with him feeling even weaker in his resolve; he was less able than ever to exert the authority he still thought he had for emergencies. Sometimes days would pass without him leaving the house. Instead of the one daily newspaper he used to read, he now got three; after breakfast, he often spent a couple of hours with the Times, and the evening papers frequently kept him occupied from dinner until bedtime. Monica noticed, with a painful mix of emotions, that his hair had begun to lose its even color and was showing streaks that matched his grizzled beard. Was she the reason for this?
On the Saturday when she was to visit the Bevises she feared lest he should propose to go with her. She wished even to avoid the necessity of telling him where she was going. As she rose from luncheon Widdowson glanced at her.
On the Saturday when she was supposed to visit the Bevises, she worried he might want to go with her. She even wanted to avoid having to tell him where she was headed. As she got up from lunch, Widdowson looked at her.
“I’ve ordered the trap, Monica. Will you come for a drive?”
“I’ve ordered the trap, Monica. Will you go for a drive?”
“I have promised to go into the town. I’m very sorry.”
“I've promised to go into town. I'm really sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
"Doesn't matter."
This was his latest mode of appealing to her—with an air of pained resignation.
This was his newest way of reaching out to her—with an expression of hurt acceptance.
“For a day or two I haven’t felt at all well,” he continued gloomily. “I thought a drive might do me good.”
“For a day or two, I haven’t felt well at all,” he continued gloomily. “I thought a drive might help me feel better.”
“Certainly. I hope it will. When would you like to have dinner?”
“Of course. I hope it will. When do you want to have dinner?”
“I never care to alter the hours. Of course I shall be back at the usual time. Shall you be?”
“I never bother to change the hours. Of course I’ll be back at the usual time. Will you be?”
“Oh yes—long before dinner.”
“Oh yes—well before dinner.”
So she got away without any explanation. At a quarter to four she reached the block of flats in which the Bevises (and Everard Barfoot) resided. With a fluttering of the heart, she went very quietly upstairs, as if anxious that her footsteps should not be heard; her knock at the door was timid.
So she left without giving any explanation. At a quarter to four, she arrived at the apartment building where the Bevises (and Everard Barfoot) lived. With her heart racing, she quietly went upstairs, trying to make sure her footsteps were inaudible; her knock on the door was hesitant.
Bevis in person opened to her.
Bevis opened up to her in person.
“Delighted! I thought it might be—”
“Awesome! I thought it might be—”
She entered, and walked into the first room, where she had been once before. But to her surprise it was vacant. She looked round and saw Bevis’s countenance gleaming with satisfaction.
She stepped in and walked into the first room, where she had been before. But to her surprise, it was empty. She looked around and saw Bevis’s face shining with satisfaction.
“My sisters will be here in a few minutes,” he said. “A few minutes at most. Will you take this chair, Mrs. Widdowson? How delighted I am that you were able to come!”
“My sisters will be here in a few minutes,” he said. “Just a few minutes, at most. Will you take this chair, Mrs. Widdowson? I'm so glad you could make it!”
So perfectly natural was his manner, that Monica, after the first moment of consternation, tried to forget that there was anything irregular in her presence here under these circumstances. As regards social propriety, a flat differs in many respects from a house. In an ordinary drawing-room, it could scarcely have mattered if Bevis entertained her for a short space until his sisters’ arrival; but in this little set of rooms it was doubtfully permissible for her to sit tete-a-tete with a young man, under any excuse. And the fact of his opening the front door himself seemed to suggest that not even a servant was in the flat. A tremor grew upon her as she talked, due in part to the consciousness that she was glad to be thus alone with Bevis.
His manner was so natural that Monica, after the initial shock, tried to ignore that there was anything unusual about her being here under these circumstances. In terms of social etiquette, a flat is quite different from a house. In a regular living room, it wouldn’t have mattered much if Bevis entertained her for a bit until his sisters arrived; but in this small set of rooms, it was questionable whether it was acceptable for her to be sitting alone with a young man, no matter the reason. The fact that he opened the front door himself suggested that not even a servant was in the flat. As she talked, she felt a growing nervousness, partly because she was actually happy to be alone with Bevis.
“A place like this must seem to you to be very unhomelike,” he was saying, as he lounged on a low chair not very far from her. “The girls didn’t like it at all at first. I suppose it’s a retrograde step in civilization. Servants are decidedly of that opinion; we have a great difficulty in getting them to stay here. The reason seems to me that they miss the congenial gossip of the area door. At this moment we are without a domestic. I found she compensated herself for disadvantages by stealing my tobacco and cigars. She went to work with such a lack of discretion—abstracting half a pound of honeydew at a time—that I couldn’t find any sympathy for her. Moreover, when charged with the delinquency, she became abusive, so very abusive that we were obliged to insist upon her immediate departure.”
“A place like this must feel really unwelcoming to you,” he said, lounging in a low chair nearby. “The girls didn’t like it at all at first. I guess it’s a step back in civilization. The staff definitely feels that way; we have a hard time keeping them here. It seems like they miss chatting with people at the door. Right now, we’re without a housekeeper. I found out she was dealing with her issues by stealing my tobacco and cigars. She was so blatant about it—taking half a pound of honeydew at a time—that I couldn’t feel sorry for her. Plus, when confronted about it, she got really hostile, so much so that we had to insist she leave immediately.”
“Do you think she smoked?” asked Monica laughingly.
“Do you think she smoked?” Monica asked with a laugh.
“We have debated that point with much interest. She was a person of advanced ideas, as you see; practically a communist. But I doubt whether honeydew had any charms for her personally. It seems more probable that some milkman, or baker’s assistant, or even metropolitan policeman, benefited by her communism.”
“We’ve talked about that point with a lot of interest. She was someone with progressive ideas, as you can tell; pretty much a communist. But I doubt honeydew had any appeal for her personally. It seems more likely that some milkman, baker’s assistant, or even a city cop benefited from her communism.”
Indifferent to the progress of time, Bevis talked on with his usual jocoseness, now and then shaking his tawny hair in a fit of laughter the most contagious.
Indifferent to the passage of time, Bevis continued chatting with his usual playfulness, occasionally shaking his tawny hair in fits of laughter that were utterly contagious.
“But I have something to tell you,” he said at length more seriously. “I am going to leave England. They want me to live at Bordeaux for a time, two or three years perhaps. It’s a great bore, but I shall have to go. I am not my own master.”
“But I have something to tell you,” he said after a pause, sounding more serious. “I’m going to leave England. They want me to live in Bordeaux for a while, maybe two or three years. It’s really inconvenient, but I have to go. I’m not in charge of my own life.”
“Then your sisters will go to Guernsey?”
“So your sisters are going to Guernsey?”
“Yes. I dare say I shall leave about the end of July.”
“Yes. I guess I'll be leaving around the end of July.”
He became silent, looking at Monica with humorous sadness.
He fell silent, gazing at Monica with a mix of humor and sadness.
“Do you think your sisters will soon be here, Mr. Bevis?” Monica asked, with a glance round the room.
“Do you think your sisters will be here soon, Mr. Bevis?” Monica asked, looking around the room.
“I think so. Do you know, I did a very silly thing. I wanted your visit (if you came) to be a surprise for them, and so—in fact, I said nothing about it. When I got here from business, a little before three, they were just going out. I asked them if they were sure they would be back in less than an hour. Oh, they were quite sure—not a doubt about it. I do hope they haven’t altered their mind, and gone to call somewhere. But, Mrs. Widdowson, I am going to make you a cup of tea—with my own fair hands, as the novelists say.”
“I think so. You know, I did something really silly. I wanted your visit (if you came) to be a surprise for them, so I didn’t mention it at all. When I got here from work, a little before three, they were just heading out. I asked them if they were sure they’d be back in less than an hour. Oh, they were completely sure—not a doubt about it. I really hope they haven’t changed their minds and gone to visit someone else. But, Mrs. Widdowson, I’m going to make you a cup of tea—with my own two hands, as the novelists say.”
Monica begged that he would not trouble. Under the circumstances she had better not stay. She would come again very soon.
Monica pleaded with him not to make a fuss. Given the situation, she thought it was best not to stay. She promised to come back very soon.
“No, I can’t, I can’t let you go!” Bevis exclaimed, softening his gay tone as he stood before her. “How shall I entreat you? If you knew what an unforgettable delight it will be to me to make you a cup of tea! I shall think of it at Bordeaux every Saturday.”
“No, I can't, I can't let you go!” Bevis said, softening his cheerful tone as he stood in front of her. “How can I persuade you? If you only knew how wonderful it will be for me to make you a cup of tea! I'll think about it every Saturday in Bordeaux.”
She had risen, but exhibited no immutable resolve.
She had gotten up, but showed no strong determination.
“I really must go, Mr. Bevis—!”
“I really have to go, Mr. Bevis—!”
“Don’t drive me to despair. I am capable of turning my poor sisters out of house and home—flat and home, I mean—in anger at their delay. On their account, in pity for their youth, do stay, Mrs. Widdowson! Besides, I have a new song that I want you to hear—words and music my own. One little quarter of an hour! And I know the girls will be here directly.”
“Don’t push me to the edge. I could easily kick my poor sisters out of our home—both flat and house, I mean—in frustration over how long they’re taking. For their sake, and out of concern for their youth, please stay, Mrs. Widdowson! Plus, I have a new song I want you to hear—lyrics and music I created myself. Just give me a quick 15 minutes! I know the girls will arrive any minute now.”
His will, and her inclination, prevailed. Monica sat down again, and Bevis disappeared to make the tea. Water must have been already boiling, for in less than five minutes the young man returned with a tray, on which all the necessaries were neatly arranged. With merry homage he waited upon his guest. Monica’s cheeks were warm. After the vain attempt to release herself from what was now distinctly a compromising situation, she sat down in an easier attitude than before, as though resolved to enjoy her liberty whilst she might. There was a suspicion in her mind that Bevis had arranged this interview; she doubted the truth of his explanation. And indeed she hoped that his sisters would not return until after her departure; it would be very embarrassing to meet them.
His determination, along with her willingness, won out. Monica sat back down, and Bevis went off to make the tea. The water must have already been boiling, because in less than five minutes, the young man came back with a tray, everything neatly arranged. With cheerful respect, he served his guest. Monica's cheeks felt warm. After her unsuccessful attempt to remove herself from what was clearly a awkward situation, she settled into a more comfortable position, as if she decided to enjoy her freedom while she could. She suspected that Bevis had set up this meeting; she questioned the truth of his explanation. In fact, she hoped that his sisters wouldn’t come back until after she left; it would be quite awkward to run into them.
Whilst talking and listening, she silently defended herself against the charge of impropriety. What wrong was she committing? What matter that they were alone? Their talk was precisely what it might have been in other people’s presence. And Bevis, such a frank, good-hearted fellow, could not by any possibility fail in respect to her. The objections were all cant, and cant of the worst kind. She would not be a slave of such ignoble prejudices.
While talking and listening, she quietly defended herself against the accusation of being inappropriate. What was she doing wrong? So what if they were alone? Their conversation was exactly the same as it would have been if others were around. And Bevis, such an honest, kind guy, could never disrespect her. The objections were just meaningless chatter, and the worst kind at that. She refused to be a prisoner of such low-minded biases.
“You haven’t made Mr. Barfoot’s acquaintance yet?” she asked.
“You haven’t met Mr. Barfoot yet?” she asked.
“No, I haven’t. There seems to have been no opportunity. Did you seriously wish me to know him?”
“No, I haven’t. It doesn't seem like there was ever a chance. Did you really want me to meet him?”
“Oh, I had no wish in the matter at all.”
“Oh, I didn't care about it at all.”
“You like Mr. Barfoot?”
"Do you like Mr. Barfoot?"
“I think him very pleasant.”
“I think he’s very pleasant.”
“How delightful to be praised by you, Mrs. Widdowson! Now if any one speaks to you about me, when I have left England, will you find some nice word? Don’t think me foolish. I do so desire the good opinion of my friends. To know that you spoke of me as you did for Mr. Barfoot would give me a whole day of happiness.”
“How wonderful to receive your praise, Mrs. Widdowson! If anyone talks to you about me after I leave England, could you say something kind? Don’t think I’m being silly. I really want my friends to think well of me. Knowing that you spoke about me the way you did for Mr. Barfoot would bring me a day's worth of happiness.”
“How enviable! To be so easily made happy.”
“How enviable! To be so easily made happy.”
“Now let me sing you this song of mine. It isn’t very good; I haven’t composed for years. But—”
“Now let me share this song of mine with you. It’s not great; I haven’t written anything in years. But—”
He sat down and rattled over the keys. Monica was expecting a lively air and spirited words, as in the songs she had heard at Guernsey; but this composition told of sadness and longing and the burden of a lonely heart. She thought it very beautiful, very touching. Bevis looked round to see the effect it produced upon her, and she could not meet his eyes.
He sat down and started playing the keys. Monica was hoping for a lively tune and energetic lyrics, like the songs she had heard in Guernsey; but this piece spoke of sadness, longing, and the weight of a lonely heart. She found it very beautiful and deeply moving. Bevis glanced at her to see how she was reacting, but she couldn't look him in the eye.
“Quite a new sort of thing for me, Mrs. Widdowson. Does it strike you as so very bad?”
“It's quite a new thing for me, Mrs. Widdowson. Does it seem that bad to you?”
“No—not at all.”
“Nope—not at all.”
“But you can’t honestly praise it?” He sighed, in dejection. “I meant to give you a copy. I made this one specially for you, and—if you will forgive me—I have taken the liberty of dedicating it to you. Songwriters do that, you know. Of course it is altogether unworthy of your acceptance—”
“But you can’t really praise it?” He sighed, feeling down. “I intended to give you a copy. I made this one just for you, and—if you’ll forgive me—I took the liberty of dedicating it to you. Songwriters do that, you know. Of course, it’s totally unworthy of your acceptance—”
“No—no—indeed I am very grateful to you, Mr. Bevis. Do give it to me—as you meant to.”
“No—no—I'm really grateful to you, Mr. Bevis. Please give it to me, just like you intended.”
“You will have it?” he cried delightedly. “Now for a triumphal march!”
“You’ve got it?” he exclaimed happily. “Now for a victory parade!”
Whilst he played, with look corresponding to the exultant strain, Monica rose from her chair. She stood with eyes downcast and lips pressed together. When the last chord had sounded,—
Whilst he played, with a look that matched the joyful music, Monica got up from her chair. She stood with her eyes down and her lips pressed together. When the final note had played,—
“Now I must say good-bye, Mr. Bevis. I am so sorry your sisters haven’t come.”
“Now I have to say goodbye, Mr. Bevis. I’m really sorry your sisters didn’t show up.”
“So am I—and yet I am not. I have enjoyed the happiest half-hour of my life.”
“So am I—and yet I’m not. I just had the happiest half-hour of my life.”
“Will you give me the piece of music?”
“Can you give me the piece of music?”
“Let me roll it up. There; it won’t be very awkward to carry. But of course I shall see you again before the end of July? You will come some other afternoon?”
“Let me roll it up. There; it won’t be too awkward to carry. But of course I’ll see you again before the end of July, right? You’ll come by some other afternoon?”
“If Miss Bevis will let me know when she is quite sure—”
“If Miss Bevis could just let me know when she's absolutely sure—”
“Yes, she shall. Do you know, I don’t think I shall say a word about what has happened this afternoon. Will you allow me to keep silence about your call, Mrs. Widdowson? They would be so annoyed—and really it was a silly thing not to tell them—”
“Yes, she will. You know, I don’t think I’ll say anything about what happened this afternoon. Can I keep quiet about your visit, Mrs. Widdowson? They would be really upset—and honestly, it was kind of silly not to tell them—”
Monica gave no verbal reply. She looked towards the door. Bevis stepped forward, and held it open.
Monica didn’t say anything. She looked at the door. Bevis stepped forward and held it open.
“Good-bye, then. You know what I told you about my tendency to low spirits. I’m going to have a terrible turn—down, down, down!”
“Goodbye, then. You know what I told you about my tendency to feel down. I’m about to hit a really low point—down, down, down!”
She laughed, and offered her hand. He held it very lightly, looking at her with his blue eyes, which indeed expressed a profound melancholy.
She laughed and reached out her hand. He took it gently, gazing at her with his blue eyes, which clearly showed a deep sadness.
“Thank you,” he murmured. “Thank you for your great kindness.”
“Thanks,” he said softly. “Thanks for being so kind.”
And thereupon he opened the front door for her. Without another look Monica went quickly down the stairs; she appreciated his motive for not accompanying her to the exit.
And with that, he opened the front door for her. Without a second glance, Monica quickly went down the stairs; she understood his reason for not walking her to the exit.
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
Before entering the house she had managed to conceal the sheet of music which she was carrying. But, happily, Widdowson was still absent. Half an hour passed—half an hour of brooding and reverie—before she heard his footstep ascending the stairs. On the landing she met him with a pleasant smile.
Before entering the house, she had managed to hide the sheet of music she was carrying. Luckily, Widdowson was still out. Half an hour went by—half an hour of contemplation and daydreaming—before she heard his footsteps coming up the stairs. On the landing, she greeted him with a friendly smile.
“Have you enjoyed your drive?”
"Did you enjoy your drive?"
“Pretty well.”
"Pretty good."
“And do you feel better?”
"Do you feel better now?"
“Not much, dear. But it isn’t worth talking about.”
“Not much, dear. But it’s not worth discussing.”
Later, he inquired where she had been.
Later, he asked where she had been.
“I had an appointment with Milly Vesper.”
“I had an appointment with Milly Vesper.”
The first falsehood she had ever told him, and yet uttered with such perfect assumption of sincerity as would have deceived the acutest observer. He nodded, discontented as usual, but entertaining no doubt.
The first lie she had ever told him, and yet she said it with such complete confidence that it would have fooled the sharpest observer. He nodded, unhappy as usual, but without any doubt.
And from that moment she hated him. If he had plied her with interrogations, if he had seemed to suspect anything, the burden of untruth would have been more endurable. His simple acceptance of her word was the sternest rebuke she could have received. She despised herself, and hated him for the degradation which resulted from his lordship over her.
And from that moment, she hated him. If he had bombarded her with questions, if he had acted like he suspected anything, the weight of the lies would have been easier to bear. His straightforward acceptance of her word was the harshest criticism she could have faced. She loathed herself and hated him for the humiliation that came from his control over her.
CHAPTER XXI
TOWARDS THE DECISIVE
Mary Barfoot had never suffered from lack of interest in life. Many a vivid moment dwelt in her memory; joys and sorrows, personal or of larger scope, affected her the more deeply because of that ruling intelligence which enabled her to transmute them into principles. No longer anticipating or desiring any great change in her own environment, in the modes and motives of her activity, she found it a sufficient happiness to watch, and when possible to direct, the tendency of younger lives. So kindly had nature tempered her disposition, that already she had been able to outlive those fervours of instinct which often make the middle life of an unwedded woman one long repining; but her womanly sympathies remained. And at present there was going forward under her own roof, within her daily observation, a comedy, a drama, which had power to excite all her disinterested emotions. It had been in progress for twelve months, and now, unless she was strangely mistaken, the denouement drew very near.
Mary Barfoot had never lacked interest in life. Many vivid moments stayed in her memory; joys and sorrows, whether personal or broader, affected her more deeply because of her keen insight that allowed her to turn them into principles. No longer expecting or wishing for any big changes in her surroundings or in how she acted, she found happiness in watching, and whenever possible, guiding the paths of younger lives. Nature had been so kind to her temperament that she had already outgrown the intense feelings that often make the middle years of an unmarried woman feel like one long regret; still, her feminine empathy remained. Right now, there was a comedy, a drama unfolding under her own roof, within her daily view, that had the power to stir all her selfless emotions. It had been happening for twelve months, and now, unless she was really mistaken, the denouement was very close.
For all her self-study, her unflinching recognition of physical and psychical facts which the average woman blinks over, Mary deceived herself as to the date of that final triumph which permitted her to observe Rhoda Nunn with perfect equanimity. Her outbreak of angry feeling on the occasion of Bella Royston’s death meant something more than she would acknowledge before the inquisition of her own mind. It was just then that she had become aware of Rhoda’s changing attitude towards Everard Barfoot; trifles such as only a woman would detect had convinced her that Everard’s interest in Rhoda was awakening a serious response; and this discovery, though it could not surprise her, caused an obscure pang which she attributed to impersonal regret, to mere natural misgiving. For some days she thought of Rhoda in an ironic, half-mocking spirit. Then came Bella’s suicide, and the conversation in which Rhoda exhibited a seeming heartlessness, the result, undoubtedly, of grave emotional disturbance. To her own astonishment, Mary was overcome with an impulse of wrathful hostility, and spoke words which she regretted as soon as they had passed her lips.
Despite all her self-study and her clear awareness of physical and emotional truths that most women overlook, Mary was fooled about when her final victory would allow her to watch Rhoda Nunn without any feelings. Her sudden outburst of anger when Bella Royston died meant more than she was willing to admit to herself. It was at that moment that she noticed Rhoda's shifting feelings toward Everard Barfoot; small details that only a woman would pick up had convinced her that Everard’s interest in Rhoda was beginning to spark a serious response. Although this realization didn't surprise her, it brought a vague pain that she blamed on impersonal regret and simple natural anxiety. For a few days, she viewed Rhoda with a sarcastic, half-mocking attitude. Then came Bella’s suicide, along with the conversation where Rhoda showed what appeared to be a lack of empathy, undoubtedly a result of deep emotional turmoil. To her own surprise, Mary was hit with a wave of angry hostility and said things she wished she could take back as soon as they were out.
Poor Bella had very little to do with this moment of discord between two women who sincerely liked and admired each other. She only offered the occasion for an outburst of secret feeling which probably could not have been avoided. Mary Barfoot had loved her cousin Everard; it began when he was one-and-twenty; she, so much older, had never allowed Everard or any one else to suspect her passion, which made her for two or three years more unhappy than she had ever been, or was ever to be when once her strong reason had prevailed. The scandal of Amy Drake, happening long after, revived her misery, which now took the form of truly feminine intolerance; she tried to believe that Everard was henceforth of less than no account to her, that she detested him for his vices. Amy Drake, however, she detested much more.
Poor Bella had very little to do with this clash between two women who genuinely liked and respected each other. She simply provided the opportunity for a release of hidden emotions that probably couldn't have been avoided. Mary Barfoot had been in love with her cousin Everard; it started when he was just twenty-one. She, much older, never let Everard or anyone else realize her feelings, which made her more unhappy for two or three years than she'd ever been or would ever be once her strong reasoning took over. The scandal involving Amy Drake, which occurred long after, brought back her anguish, now manifesting as true feminine intolerance. She tried to convince herself that Everard was nothing to her now, that she loathed him for his flaws. However, she despised Amy Drake even more.
When her friendship with Rhoda Nunn had progressed to intimacy, she could not refrain from speaking of her cousin Everard, absent at the ends of the earth, and perchance lost to her sight for ever. Her mention of him was severe, yet of a severity so obviously blended with other feeling, that Rhoda could not but surmise the truth. Sentimental confession never entered Miss Barfoot’s mind; she had conquered her desires, and was by no means inclined to make herself ridiculous; Rhoda Nunn, of all women, seemed the least likely to make remarks, or put questions, such as would endanger a betrayal of the buried past. Yet, at a later time, when pressing the inquiry whether Rhoda had ever been in love, Mary did not scruple to suggest that her own knowledge in that direction was complete. She did it in lightness of heart, secure under the protection of her forty years. Rhoda, of course, understood her as referring to Everard.
When her friendship with Rhoda Nunn became closer, she couldn't help but talk about her cousin Everard, who was far away and maybe lost to her forever. Her comments about him were strict, but that strictness was clearly mixed with other feelings, making it obvious to Rhoda that something deeper was at play. Miss Barfoot never thought about making sentimental confessions; she had controlled her feelings and didn’t want to make a fool of herself. Rhoda Nunn, more than anyone, seemed the least likely to make comments or ask questions that could reveal the hidden past. However, later on, when she asked Rhoda if she had ever been in love, Mary didn’t hesitate to imply that her knowledge about that was complete. She said it lightly, feeling safe being forty years old. Rhoda, of course, understood that she was talking about Everard.
So the quarrel was one of jealousy. But no sooner had it taken place when Mary Barfoot experienced a shame, a distress, which in truth signified the completion of self-conquest. She thought herself ashamed of being angry where anger was uncalled for; in reality, she chastised herself for the last revival of a conflict practically over and done with so many years ago. And on this very account, precisely because she was deceiving herself as to her state of mind, she prolonged the painful situation. She said to herself that Rhoda had behaved so wrongly that displeasure was justified, that to make up the quarrel at once would be unwise, for Miss Nunn needed a little discipline. This insistence upon the side issue helped her to disregard the main one, and when at length she offered Rhoda the kiss of reconcilement, that also signified something other than was professed. It meant a hope that Rhoda might know the happiness which to her friend had been denied.
So the argument was all about jealousy. But as soon as it happened, Mary Barfoot felt a shame and distress that really marked the end of her self-control. She felt ashamed for being angry when there was no reason to be; in reality, she was scolding herself for the last flare-up of a conflict that had been over and done with so many years ago. Because she was fooling herself about how she truly felt, she dragged out the uncomfortable situation. She convinced herself that Rhoda had acted so wrongly that her anger was justified, and that rushing to make up would be unwise, since Miss Nunn needed a bit of discipline. This focus on a minor issue helped her ignore the main one, and when she finally offered Rhoda a reconciling kiss, it also carried a message beyond what was stated. It expressed a hope that Rhoda could experience the happiness that had been denied to her friend.
Everard’s announcement of his passion for Miss Nunn seemed to Mary a well-calculated piece of boldness. If he seriously sought Rhoda for his wife, this frank avowal of the desire before a third person might remove some of the peculiar difficulties of the case. Whether willing or not to be wooed, Rhoda, in mere consistency with her pronounced opinions, must needs maintain a scornful silence on the subject of Everard’s love-making; by assailing this proud reserve, this dignity which perchance had begun to burden its supporter, Everard made possible, if not inevitable, a discussion of his suit between the two women. She who talks of her lover will be led to think of him.
Everard's declaration of his feelings for Miss Nunn struck Mary as a carefully thought-out move. If he genuinely wanted Rhoda to be his wife, this open admission in front of someone else might ease some of the unique challenges they faced. Whether Rhoda was open to being pursued or not, her need to stay true to her strong opinions meant she had to keep a dismissive silence about Everard's advances. By challenging this proud aloofness, which might have begun to weigh on her, Everard made it possible, if not likely, for the two women to discuss his intentions. A woman who talks about her partner is likely to start thinking about him.
Miss Barfoot knew not whether to hope for the marriage of this strange pair. She was distrustful of her cousin, found it hard to imagine him a loyal husband, and could not be sure whether Rhoda’s qualities were such as would ultimately retain or repel him. She inclined to think this wooing a mere caprice. But Rhoda gave ear to him, of that there could be little doubt; and since his inheritance of ample means the affair began to have a new aspect. That Everard persevered, though the world of women was now open to him—for, on a moderate computation, any man with Barfoot’s personal advantages, and armed with fifteen hundred a year, may choose among fifty possible maidens—seemed to argue that he was really in love. But what it would cost Rhoda to appear before her friends in the character of a bride! What a humbling of her glory!
Miss Barfoot didn’t know whether to hope for the marriage of this strange couple. She was wary of her cousin, found it hard to picture him as a faithful husband, and couldn’t be sure if Rhoda’s qualities would ultimately keep him close or drive him away. She leaned toward thinking this courtship was just a passing fancy. But there was no doubt that Rhoda listened to him; and since he had inherited a good amount of money, the situation started to look different. Everard’s persistence, even though all kinds of women were now available to him—because, by a reasonable estimate, any man with Barfoot’s looks and an income of fifteen hundred a year can choose from fifty potential brides—seemed to indicate that he was genuinely in love. But what it would cost Rhoda to show up in front of her friends as a bride! What a blow to her pride!
Was she capable of the love which defies all humiliation? Or, loving ardently, would she renounce a desired happiness from dread of female smiles and whispers? Or would it be her sufficient satisfaction to reject a wealthy suitor, and thus pose more grandly than ever before the circle who saw in her an example of woman’s independence? Powerful was the incitement to curiosity in a situation which, however it ended, would afford such matter for emotional hypothesis.
Was she capable of a love that defies all humiliation? Or, loving intensely, would she give up a happiness she wanted out of fear of female smiles and whispers? Or would it be enough for her to turn down a wealthy suitor, thus making an even bigger statement to the circle that viewed her as a symbol of female independence? The situation was a strong trigger for curiosity, as no matter how it ended, it would provide plenty of material for emotional speculation.
They did not talk of Everard. Whether Rhoda replied to his letters from abroad Miss Barfoot had no means of ascertaining. But after his return he had a very cold reception—due, perhaps, to some audacity he had allowed himself in his correspondence. Rhoda again avoided meeting with him, and, as Miss Barfoot noticed, threw herself with increased energy into all her old pursuits.
They didn’t talk about Everard. Miss Barfoot had no way of knowing whether Rhoda replied to his letters from abroad. But after he came back, he received a very icy welcome—maybe because of some boldness he had shown in his letters. Rhoda continued to avoid seeing him, and, as Miss Barfoot observed, she threw herself even more intensely into all her previous activities.
“What about your holiday this year?” Mary asked one evening in June. “Shall you go first, or shall I?”
“What about your vacation this year?” Mary asked one evening in June. “Do you want to go first, or should I?”
“Please make whatever arrangements you like.”
“Feel free to make any arrangements you want.”
Miss Barfoot had a reason for wishing to postpone her holiday until late in August. She said so, and proposed that Rhoda should take any three weeks she liked prior to that.
Miss Barfoot had a reason for wanting to delay her vacation until late August. She mentioned it and suggested that Rhoda could take any three weeks she wanted before that.
“Miss Vesper,” she added, “can manage your room very well. We shall be much more at ease in that respect than last year.”
“Miss Vesper,” she added, “can handle your room really well. We will be much more comfortable in that regard than we were last year.”
“Yes. Miss Vesper is getting to be very useful and trustworthy.”
“Yes. Miss Vesper is becoming quite useful and reliable.”
Rhoda mused when she had made this remark.
Rhoda thought about it after she made this comment.
“Do you know,” she asked presently, “whether she sees much of Mrs. Widdowson?”
“Do you know,” she asked after a moment, “if she spends a lot of time with Mrs. Widdowson?”
“I have no idea.”
"I have no clue."
They decided that Rhoda should go away at the close of July. Where was her holiday to be spent? Miss Barfoot suggested the lake country.
They decided that Rhoda should leave at the end of July. Where would her vacation be spent? Miss Barfoot suggested the lake area.
“I was thinking of it myself,” said Rhoda. “I should like to have some sea-bathing, though. A week by the shore, and then the rest of the time spent in vagabondage among the mountains, would suit me very well. Mrs. Cosgrove is at home in Cumberland; I must ask her advice.”
“I was thinking about that too,” said Rhoda. “I’d really love to go for some sea-bathing, though. A week by the beach, and then the rest of the time wandering around the mountains would be perfect for me. Mrs. Cosgrove is at home in Cumberland; I should ask her for some advice.”
This was done, and there resulted a scheme which seemed to excite Rhoda with joyous anticipation. On the coast of Cumberland, a few miles south of St. Bees, is a little place called Seascale, unknown to the ordinary tourist, but with a good hotel and a few scattered houses where lodgings can be obtained. Not far away rise the mountain barriers of lake-land, Wastdale clearly discernible. At Seascale, then, Rhoda would spend her first week, the quiet shore with its fine stretch of sand affording her just the retreat that she desired.
This was done, and it led to a plan that seemed to fill Rhoda with joyful excitement. On the coast of Cumberland, just a few miles south of St. Bees, there’s a small place called Seascale, which is mostly overlooked by tourists, but has a decent hotel and a few scattered houses offering accommodations. Not far away, the mountains of the Lake District rise, with Wastdale clearly visible. So, Rhoda would spend her first week at Seascale, where the calm shore and its beautiful stretch of sand provided just the escape she wanted.
“There are one or two bathing-machines, Mrs. Cosgrove says, but I hope to avoid such abominations. How delicious it was in one’s childhood, when one ran into the sea naked! I will enjoy that sensation once more, if I have to get up at three in the morning.”
“There are a few bathing machines, Mrs. Cosgrove says, but I hope to steer clear of those horrors. How wonderful it was in childhood to run into the sea without a stitch on! I plan to relive that feeling again, even if it means waking up at three in the morning.”
About this time Barfoot made one of his evening calls. He had no hope of seeing Rhoda, and was agreeably surprised by her presence in the drawing-room. Just as happened a year ago, the subject of Miss Barfoot making a direct inquiry. With lively interest, Mary waited for the reply, and was careful not to smile when Rhoda made known her intentions.
About this time, Barfoot made one of his evening visits. He didn't expect to see Rhoda and was pleasantly surprised to find her in the living room. Just like a year ago, the topic of Miss Barfoot came up, prompting a direct question. With keen interest, Mary awaited the answer and made sure not to smile when Rhoda revealed her plans.
“Have you planned a route after your stay at Seascale?” Barfoot asked.
“Have you mapped out your route after your time at Seascale?” Barfoot asked.
“No. I shall do that when I am there.”
“No. I’ll do that when I get there.”
Whether or not he intended a contrast to these homely projects, Barfoot presently began to talk of travel on a grander scale. When he next left England, he should go by the Orient Express right away to Constantinople. His cousin asked questions about the Orient Express, and he supplied her with details very exciting to the imagination of any one who longs to see the kingdoms of the earth—as undoubtedly Rhoda did. The very name, Orient Express, has a certain sublimity, such as attaches, more or less, to all the familiar nomenclature of world-transits. He talked himself into fervour, and kept a watch on Rhoda’s countenance. As also did Miss Barfoot. Rhoda tried to appear unaffected, but her coldness betrayed its insincerity.
Whether he meant to create a contrast with these simple plans or not, Barfoot began talking about traveling on a larger scale. The next time he left England, he planned to take the Orient Express straight to Constantinople. His cousin asked questions about the Orient Express, and he provided her with details that were very exciting for anyone who longs to explore the world's kingdoms—Rhoda certainly did. The name "Orient Express" carries a certain grandeur, similar to all those well-known terms related to travel. He got carried away with his enthusiasm and watched Rhoda’s face closely. So did Miss Barfoot. Rhoda tried to look unaffected, but her cool demeanor revealed its insincerity.
The next day, when work at Great Portland Street was just finished, she fell into conversation with Mildred Vesper. Miss Barfoot had an engagement to dine out that evening, and Rhoda ended by inviting Milly to come home with her to Chelsea. To Milly this was a great honour; she hesitated because of her very plain dress, but easily allowed herself to be persuaded when she saw that Miss Nunn really desired her company.
The next day, as work at Great Portland Street wrapped up, she started chatting with Mildred Vesper. Miss Barfoot had plans to go out for dinner that evening, and Rhoda ended up inviting Milly to come back to her place in Chelsea. To Milly, this was a big deal; she hesitated because of her plain dress, but quickly agreed when she realized that Miss Nunn genuinely wanted her there.
Before dinner they had a walk in Battersea Park. Rhoda had never been so frank and friendly; she induced the quiet, unpretending girl to talk of her early days, her schools, her family. Remarkable was Milly’s quiet contentedness; not long ago she had received an increase of payment from Miss Barfoot, and one would have judged that scarcely a wish now troubled her, unless it were that she might see her scattered brothers and sisters, all of whom, happily, were doing pretty well in the struggle for existence.
Before dinner, they took a walk in Battersea Park. Rhoda had never been so open and friendly; she encouraged the quiet, down-to-earth girl to share about her early years, her schools, and her family. Milly’s calm satisfaction was striking; not long ago, she had received a raise from Miss Barfoot, and it seemed like hardly any wish bothered her now, except for the hope of seeing her siblings, all of whom, thankfully, were doing reasonably well in life's challenges.
“You must feel rather lonely in your lodgings sometimes?” said Rhoda.
“You must feel pretty lonely in your place sometimes?” said Rhoda.
“Very rarely. In future I shall have music in the evening. Our best room has been let to a young man who has a violin, and he plays “The Blue Bells of Scotland”—not badly.”
“Very rarely. In the future, I’ll have music in the evenings. Our best room has been rented out to a young man who plays the violin, and he performs ‘The Blue Bells of Scotland’—not badly.”
Rhoda did not miss the humorous intention, veiled, as usual, under a manner of extreme sedateness.
Rhoda didn't overlook the humorous intent, usually disguised under an extremely serious demeanor.
“Does Mrs. Widdowson come to see you?”
“Is Mrs. Widdowson visiting you?”
“Not often. She came a few days ago.”
“Not often. She came a few days ago.”
“You go to her house sometimes?”
“You go to her place sometimes?”
“I haven’t been there for several months. At first I used to go rather frequently, but—it’s a long way.”
“I haven’t been there in months. At first, I used to go pretty often, but—it’s a long way.”
To this subject Rhoda returned after dinner, when they were cosily settled in the drawing-room.
To this topic, Rhoda returned after dinner, when they were comfortably settled in the living room.
“Mrs. Widdowson comes here now and then, and we are always very glad to see her. But I can’t help thinking she looks rather unhappy.”
“Mrs. Widdowson comes by every now and then, and we're always really happy to see her. But I can't shake the feeling that she seems a bit unhappy.”
“I’m afraid she does,” assented the other gravely.
“I’m afraid she does,” agreed the other seriously.
“You and I were both at her wedding. It wasn’t very cheerful, was it? I had a disagreeable sense of bad omens all the time. Do you think she is sorry?”
“You and I were both at her wedding. It wasn’t very cheerful, was it? I had an uneasy feeling about bad signs the whole time. Do you think she regrets it?”
“I’m really afraid she is.”
“I’m really scared she is.”
Rhoda observed the look that accompanied this admission.
Rhoda noticed the expression that came with this admission.
“Foolish girl! Why couldn’t she stay with us, and keep her liberty? She doesn’t seem to have made any new friends. Has she spoken to you of any?”
“Foolish girl! Why couldn’t she stay with us and keep her freedom? She doesn’t seem to have made any new friends. Has she talked to you about any?”
“Only of people she has met here.”
“Only of people she's met here.”
Rhoda yielded—or seemed to yield—to an impulse of frankness. Bending slightly forward, with an anxious expression, she said in confidential tones—
Rhoda gave in—or looked like she did—to an impulse of honesty. Leaning slightly forward, with a worried look, she said in a private tone—
“Can you help to put my mind at rest about Monica? You saw her a week ago. Did she say anything, or give any sign, that might make one really uneasy on her account?”
“Can you help reassure me about Monica? You saw her a week ago. Did she say anything or give any indication that would make someone genuinely worried about her?”
There was a struggle in Milly before she answered. Rhoda added—
There was a struggle in Milly before she replied. Rhoda added—
“Perhaps you had rather not—”
“Maybe you’d prefer not to—”
“Yes, I had rather tell you. She said a good many strange things, and I have been uneasy about her. I wished I could speak to some one—”
“Yes, I would prefer to tell you. She said a lot of strange things, and I have been worried about her. I wish I could talk to someone—”
“How strange that I should feel urged to ask you about this,” said Rhoda, her eyes, peculiarly bright and keen, fixed on the girl’s face. “The poor thing is very miserable, I am sure. Her husband seems to leave her entirely to herself.”
“How strange that I feel compelled to ask you about this,” Rhoda said, her eyes unusually bright and sharp, focused on the girl’s face. “The poor thing is very unhappy, I’m sure. Her husband seems to leave her completely on her own.”
Milly looked surprised.
Milly looked shocked.
“Monica made quite the opposite complaint to me. She said that she was a prisoner.”
“Monica had a completely different complaint for me. She said that she felt like a prisoner.”
“That’s very odd. She certainly goes about a good deal and alone.”
"That’s really strange. She definitely goes out a lot and by herself."
“I didn’t know that,” said Milly. “She has very often talked to me about a woman’s right to the same freedom as a man, and I always understood that Mr. Widdowson objected to her going anywhere without him, except just to call here, or at my lodgings.”
“I didn’t know that,” said Milly. “She has often talked to me about a woman’s right to the same freedom as a man, and I always understood that Mr. Widdowson didn't want her to go anywhere without him, except just to visit here or at my place.”
“Do you think she has any acquaintance that he dislikes?”
“Do you think she knows anyone that he doesn't like?”
The direct answer was delayed, but it came at length.
The straightforward answer took some time, but it eventually arrived.
“There is some one. She hasn’t told me who it is.”
“There’s someone. She hasn’t told me who it is.”
“In plain words, Mr. Widdowson thinks he has cause for jealousy?”
“In simple terms, Mr. Widdowson thinks he has a reason to be jealous?”
“Yes, I understand Monica to mean that.”
“Yes, I get what Monica means by that.”
Rhoda’s face had grown very dark. She moved her hands nervously.
Rhoda's face had become really dark. She fidgeted with her hands nervously.
“But—you don’t think she could deceive him?”
“But—do you really think she could trick him?”
“Oh, I can’t think that!” replied Miss Vesper, with much earnestness. “But what I couldn’t help fearing, after I saw her last, was that she might almost be tempted to leave her husband. She spoke so much of freedom—and of a woman’s right to release herself if she found her marriage was a mistake.”
“Oh, I can’t believe that!” replied Miss Vesper, very seriously. “But what I couldn’t shake off fearing, after I saw her last, was that she might actually be tempted to leave her husband. She talked so much about freedom—and about a woman’s right to free herself if she realized her marriage was a mistake.”
“I am so grateful to you for telling me all this. We must try to help her. Of course I will make no mention of you, Miss Vesper. Then you are really under the impression that there’s some one she—prefers to her husband?”
“I really appreciate you sharing all this with me. We need to do our best to help her. I promise I won’t mention you, Miss Vesper. So you actually think there’s someone she—likes more than her husband?”
“I can’t help thinking there is,” admitted the other very solemnly. “I was so sorry for her, and felt so powerless. She cried a little. All I could do was to entreat her not to behave rashly. I thought her sister ought to know—”
“I can’t help thinking there is,” the other admitted very seriously. “I felt so sorry for her and so helpless. She cried a little. All I could do was ask her not to act impulsively. I thought her sister should know—”
“Oh, Miss Madden is useless. Monica cannot look to her for advice or support.”
“Oh, Miss Madden is pointless. Monica can’t rely on her for advice or support.”
After this conversation Rhoda passed a very unquiet night, and gloom appeared in her countenance for the next few days.
After this conversation, Rhoda had a restless night, and her face showed sadness for the next few days.
She wished to have a private interview with Monica, but doubted whether it would in any degree serve her purpose—that of discovering whether certain suspicions she entertained had actual ground. Confidence between her and Mrs. Widdowson had never existed, and in the present state of things she could not hope to probe Monica’s secret feelings. Whilst she still brooded over the difficulty there came a letter for her from Everard Barfoot. He wrote formally; it had occurred to him that he might be of some slight service, in view of her approaching holiday, if he looked through the guide-books, and jotted down the outline of such a walking-tour as she had in mind. This he had done, and the results were written out on an enclosed sheet of paper. Rhoda allowed a day to intervene, then sent a reply. She thanked Mr. Barfoot sincerely for the trouble he had so kindly taken. “I see you limit me to ten miles a day. In such scenery of course one doesn’t hurry on, but I can’t help informing you that twenty miles wouldn’t alarm me. I think it very likely that I shall follow your itinerary, after my week of bathing and idling. I leave on Monday week.”
She wanted to have a private chat with Monica, but she wasn't sure it would help her find out if her suspicions were based on anything real. There had never been trust between her and Mrs. Widdowson, and given the current situation, she couldn’t expect to uncover Monica’s true feelings. As she continued to think about the issue, she received a letter from Everard Barfoot. He wrote formally, mentioning that he thought he could offer some help with her upcoming holiday by looking through the guidebooks and outlining a walking tour she had in mind. He had done this, and the details were written on an enclosed sheet of paper. Rhoda let a day pass and then sent a reply. She thanked Mr. Barfoot sincerely for the effort he had made. “I see you limit me to ten miles a day. In such beautiful scenery, one wouldn’t rush, but I can’t help letting you know that twenty miles wouldn’t be too much for me. I’m likely to follow your itinerary after my week of swimming and relaxing. I leave on Monday week.”
Barfoot did not call again. Every evening she sat in expectation of his coming. Twice Miss Barfoot was away until a late hour, and on those occasions, after dinner, Rhoda sat in complete idleness, her face declaring the troubled nature of her thoughts. On the Sunday before her departure she took a sudden resolve and went to call upon Monica at Herne Hill.
Barfoot didn't visit again. Every evening, she waited for his arrival. Twice, Miss Barfoot was out until late, and on those nights, Rhoda sat in complete silence, her expression revealing her troubled thoughts. On the Sunday before her departure, she made a sudden decision and went to visit Monica at Herne Hill.
Mrs. Widdowson, she learnt from the servant, had left home about an hour since.
Mrs. Widdowson, she learned from the servant, had left home about an hour ago.
“Is Mr. Widdowson at home?”
“Is Mr. Widdowson home?”
Yes, he was. And Rhoda waited for some time in the drawing-room until he made his appearance. Of late Widdowson had grown so careless in the matter of toilet, that an unexpected visit obliged him to hurry through a change of apparel before he could present himself. Looking upon him for the first time for several months, Rhoda saw that misery was undermining the man’s health. Words could not have declared his trouble more plainly than the haggard features and stiff, depressed, self-conscious manner. He fixed his sunken eyes upon the visitor, and smiled, as was plain, only for civility’s sake. Rhoda did her best to seem at ease; she explained (standing, for he forgot to ask her to be seated) that she was going away on the morrow, and had hoped to see Mrs. Widdowson, who, she was told, had not been very well of late.
Yes, he was. Rhoda waited for a while in the living room until he finally showed up. Lately, Widdowson had become so careless about his appearance that an unexpected visit forced him to rush through getting dressed before he could come out. Seeing him for the first time in several months, Rhoda noticed that sadness was taking a toll on his health. His haggard face and stiff, downcast, self-conscious demeanor spoke louder than words about his struggles. He fixed his sunken eyes on the visitor and smiled, clearly doing so just out of politeness. Rhoda tried her best to appear relaxed; she explained (standing, since he forgot to offer her a seat) that she was leaving tomorrow and had hoped to see Mrs. Widdowson, who she heard hadn’t been very well lately.
“No, she is not in very good health,” said Widdowson vaguely. “She has gone this afternoon to Mrs. Cosgrove’s—I think you know her.”
“No, she isn’t in great health,” Widdowson said vaguely. “She went to Mrs. Cosgrove’s this afternoon—I think you know her.”
Less encouragement to remain could not have been offered, but Rhoda conceived a hope of hearing something significant if she persevered in conversation. The awkwardness of doing so was indifferent to her.
Less encouragement to stay could not have been given, but Rhoda hoped to hear something meaningful if she kept talking. The awkwardness of doing so didn't bother her.
“Shall you be leaving town shortly, Mr. Widdowson?”
“Are you leaving town soon, Mr. Widdowson?”
“We are not quite sure—But pray sit down, Miss Nunn. You haven’t seen my wife lately?”
“We're not really sure—But please have a seat, Miss Nunn. Haven't you seen my wife recently?”
He took a chair, and rested his hands upon his knees, gazing at the visitor’s skirt.
He sat down in a chair, rested his hands on his knees, and looked at the visitor's skirt.
“Mrs. Widdowson hasn’t been to see us for more than a month—if I remember rightly.”
“Mrs. Widdowson hasn't visited us in over a month—if I remember correctly.”
His look expressed both surprise and doubt.
His expression showed both surprise and skepticism.
“A month? But I thought—I had an idea—that she went only a few days ago.”
“A month? But I thought—I figured—that she left just a few days ago.”
“In the day time?”
“During the day?”
“To Great Portland Street, I mean—to hear a lecture, or something of that kind, by Miss Barfoot.”
“To Great Portland Street, I mean—to catch a lecture or something like that by Miss Barfoot.”
Rhoda kept silence for a moment. Then she replied hastily—
Rhoda was quiet for a moment. Then she quickly replied—
“Oh yes—very likely—I wasn’t there that afternoon.”
“Oh yeah—most likely—I wasn’t there that afternoon.”
“I see. That would explain—”
“I get it. That makes sense—”
He seemed relieved, but only for the instant; then his eyes glanced hither and thither, with painful restlessness. Rhoda observed him closely. After fidgeting with his feet, he suddenly took a stiff position, and said in a louder voice—
He looked relieved, but just for a moment; then his eyes darted around anxiously. Rhoda watched him carefully. After shifting his feet uneasily, he suddenly straightened up and said in a louder voice—
“We are going to leave London altogether. I have decided to take a house at my wife’s native place, Clevedon. Her sisters will come and live with us.”
“We are going to leave London completely. I’ve decided to get a house in my wife’s hometown, Clevedon. Her sisters will come and live with us.”
“That is a recent decision, Mr. Widdowson?”
"Is that a recent decision, Mr. Widdowson?"
“I have thought about it for some time. London doesn’t suit Monica’s health; I’m sure it doesn’t. She will be much better in the country.”
“I've been thinking about it for a while. London isn't good for Monica's health; I'm certain of that. She’ll do much better in the countryside.”
“Yes, I think that very likely.”
“Yes, I think that's very likely.”
“As you say that you have noticed her changed looks, I shall lose no time in getting away.” He made a great show of determined energy. “A few weeks—. We will go down to Clevedon at once and find a house. Yes, we will go to-morrow, or the day after. Miss Madden, also, is very far from well. I wish I hadn’t delayed so long.”
“As you mention that you’ve noticed her changed appearance, I won’t waste any time leaving.” He put on a big display of determination. “In a few weeks—. We’ll head to Clevedon right away and look for a house. Yes, we’ll go tomorrow or the day after. Miss Madden isn’t doing well either. I wish I hadn’t waited so long.”
“You are doing very wisely, I think. I had meant to suggest something of this kind to Mrs. Widdowson. Perhaps, if I went at once to Mrs. Cosgrove’s, I might be fortunate enough to find her still there?”
“You're being very smart, I think. I was going to suggest something like this to Mrs. Widdowson. Maybe if I head straight to Mrs. Cosgrove's, I might be lucky enough to find her still there?”
“You might. Did I understand you to say that you go away to-morrow? For three weeks. Ah, then we may be getting ready to remove when you come back.”
"You might. Did I hear you say that you’re leaving tomorrow? For three weeks. Ah, then we might be getting ready to move when you get back."
The change that had come over him was remarkable. He could not keep his seat, and began to pace the end of the room. Seeing no possibility of prolonging the talk for her own purposes, Rhoda accepted this dismissal, and with the briefest leave-taking went her way to Mrs. Cosgrove’s.
The change in him was striking. He couldn't stay seated and started to pace the end of the room. Realizing there was no way to extend the conversation for her own reasons, Rhoda accepted this dismissal and, with a quick goodbye, headed to Mrs. Cosgrove's.
She was deeply agitated. Monica had not attended that lecture of Miss Barfoot’s, and so, it was evident, had purposely deceived her husband. To what end? Where were those hours spent? Mildred Vesper’s report supplied grounds for sombre conjecture, and the incident at Sloane Square Station, the recollection of Monica and Barfoot absorbed in talk, seemed to have a possible significance which fired Rhoda with resentment.
She was really upset. Monica hadn’t gone to Miss Barfoot’s lecture, and clearly, she had deliberately lied to her husband. Why? What had she been doing for those hours? Mildred Vesper’s report gave reasons to think dark thoughts, and the event at Sloane Square Station, where Rhoda remembered Monica and Barfoot deep in conversation, seemed to mean something that filled Rhoda with anger.
Her arrival at Mrs. Cosgrove’s was too late. Monica had been there said the hostess, but had left nearly half an hour ago.
Her arrival at Mrs. Cosgrove’s was too late. Monica had been there, the hostess said, but had left almost half an hour ago.
Rhoda’s instant desire was to go on to Bayswater, and somehow keep watch near the flats where Barfoot lived. Monica might be there. Her coming forth from the building might be detected.
Rhoda’s immediate urge was to head to Bayswater and somehow keep an eye near the apartments where Barfoot lived. Monica might be there. She could potentially be seen leaving the building.
But the difficulty of the understanding, and, still more, a dread of being seen hovering about that quarter, checked her purpose as soon as it was formed. She returned home, and for an hour or two kept in solitude.
But the difficulty of understanding, and even more, a fear of being seen lingering around that area, stopped her from acting on her decision as soon as she made it. She went home and spent an hour or two alone.
“What has happened?” asked Miss Barfoot, when they at length met.
“What happened?” asked Miss Barfoot when they finally met.
“Happened? Nothing that I know of.”
“Happened? Not that I know of.”
“You look very strange.”
"You look really odd."
“Your imagination. I have been packing; perhaps it’s from stooping over the trunk.”
“Your imagination. I’ve been packing; maybe it’s from bending over the trunk.”
This by no means satisfied Mary, who felt that things mysterious were going on about her. But she could only wait, repeating to herself that the grand denouement decidedly was not far off.
This definitely didn’t satisfy Mary, who felt that something mysterious was happening around her. But she could only wait, telling herself that the big denouement was definitely not far away.
At nine o’clock sounded the visitor’s bell. If, as she thought likely, the caller was Everard, Miss Barfoot decided that she would disregard everything but the dramatic pressure of the moment, and leave those two alone together for half an hour. Everard it was; he entered the drawing-room with an unusual air of gaiety.
At nine o’clock, the visitor’s bell rang. If, as she suspected, the caller was Everard, Miss Barfoot decided she would focus only on the intensity of the moment and let those two be alone together for half an hour. It was Everard; he walked into the drawing-room with an unusual sense of cheerfulness.
“I have been in the country all day,” were his first words; and he went on to talk of trivial things—the doings of a Cockney excursion party that had come under his notice.
“I’ve been in the country all day,” were his first words; and he continued to talk about trivial things—the activities of a Cockney excursion group that had caught his attention.
In a few minutes Mary made an excuse for absenting herself. When she was gone, Rhoda looked steadily at Barfoot, and asked—
In a few minutes, Mary came up with an excuse to leave. Once she was gone, Rhoda stared directly at Barfoot and asked—
“Have you really been out of town?”
"Have you really been gone?"
“Why should you doubt it?”
“Why doubt it?”
“You left this morning, and have only just returned?”
“You left this morning and just got back?”
“As I told you.”
"As I mentioned."
She averted her look. After examining her curiously, Everard came and stood before her.
She looked away. After studying her with curiosity, Everard came and stood in front of her.
“I want to ask your leave to meet you somewhere during these next three weeks. At any point on your route. We could have a day’s ramble together, and then—say good-bye.”
“I’d like to ask if we can meet up somewhere during the next three weeks. It could be anywhere along your route. We could spend a day wandering together, and then—say goodbye.”
“The lake country is free to you, Mr. Barfoot.”
“The lake country is yours to enjoy, Mr. Barfoot.”
“But I mustn’t miss you. You will leave Seascale to-morrow week?”
“But I can’t miss you. You’re leaving Seascale a week from tomorrow?”
“At present I think so. But I can’t restrict myself by any agreement. Holiday must be a time of liberty.”
“At the moment, I believe that’s true. But I can’t limit myself with any agreement. A holiday should be a time of freedom.”
They looked at each other—she with a carelessness which was all but defiance, he with a significant smile.
They glanced at each other—she with a laid-back attitude that was almost daring, he with a knowing smile.
“To-morrow week, then, perhaps we may meet again.”
“Next week, then, maybe we can meet again.”
Rhoda made no reply, beyond a movement of her eyebrows, as if to express indifference.
Rhoda didn't respond, just raised her eyebrows, as if to show she didn't care.
“I won’t stay longer this evening. A pleasant journey to you!”
“I won’t stay longer tonight. Have a great trip!”
He shook hands, and left the room. In the hall Miss Barfoot came to meet him; they exchanged a few words, unimportant and without reference to what had passed between him and Rhoda. Nor did Rhoda speak of the matter when joined by her friend. She retired early, having settled all the arrangements for her departure by the ten o’clock express from Euston next morning.
He shook hands and left the room. In the hall, Miss Barfoot came to meet him; they exchanged a few words, trivial and unrelated to what had happened between him and Rhoda. Rhoda also didn't mention the issue when her friend joined her. She went to bed early, having finalized all the plans for her departure on the ten o’clock express from Euston the next morning.
Her luggage was to consist of one trunk and a wallet with a strap, which would serve the purposes of a man’s knapsack. Save the indispensable umbrella, she carried no impeding trifles. A new costume, suitable for shore and mountain, was packed away in the trunk; Miss Barfoot had judged of its effect, and was of opinion that it became the wearer admirably.
Her luggage included one trunk and a wallet with a strap, which would act like a man's knapsack. Aside from the essential umbrella, she didn’t bring any unnecessary items. A new outfit, suitable for both the shore and the mountains, was packed in the trunk; Miss Barfoot had assessed how it looked and thought it suited the wearer perfectly.
But Rhoda, having adjusted everything that she was going to take with her, still had an occupation which kept her up for several hours. From a locked drawer she brought forth packets of letters, the storage of many years, and out of these selected carefully perhaps a tithe, which she bound together and deposited in a box; the remainder she burnt in the empty fireplace. Moreover, she collected from about the room a number of little objects, ornaments and things of use, which also found a place in the same big box. All her personal property which had any value for her, except books, was finally under lock and key, and in portable repositories. But still she kept moving, as if in search of trifles that might have escaped her notice; silently, in her soft slippers, she strayed hither and thither, till the short summer night had all but given place to dawn; and when at length weariness compelled her to go to bed, she was not able to sleep.
But Rhoda, after organizing everything she was going to take with her, still had something to do that kept her up for several hours. From a locked drawer, she pulled out packets of letters she'd saved over the years, carefully choosing about a tenth of them, which she tied together and placed in a box; the rest she burned in the empty fireplace. Additionally, she gathered various small items, decorations and useful things, which also went into the same big box. All her personal belongings that held any value for her, except for books, were finally secured and packed away. Yet she continued to move around, as if searching for any little things she might have missed; quietly, in her soft slippers, she wandered back and forth until the short summer night was almost over. When weariness finally forced her to go to bed, she found she couldn't sleep.
Nor did Mary Barfoot enjoy much sleep that night. She lay thinking, and forecasting strange possibilities.
Nor did Mary Barfoot get much sleep that night. She lay awake thinking and imagining strange possibilities.
On Monday evening, returned from Great Portland Street, the first thing she did was to visit Rhoda’s chamber. The ashes of burnt paper had been cleared away, but a glance informed her of the needless and unprecedented care with which Miss Nunn had collected and packed most of the things that belonged to her. Again Mary had a troubled night.
On Monday evening, after coming back from Great Portland Street, the first thing she did was go to Rhoda’s room. The ashes of burned paper had been cleaned up, but a quick look told her about the unnecessary and unusual effort Miss Nunn had taken to collect and pack most of Rhoda's belongings. Once again, Mary had a restless night.
CHAPTER XXII
HONOUR IN DIFFICULTIES
At Mrs. Cosgrove’s, this Sunday afternoon, Monica had eyes and thoughts for one person only. Her coming at all was practically an appointment to meet Bevis, whom she had seen twice since her visit to the flat. A day or two after that occasion, she received a call from the Bevis girls, who told her of their brother’s approaching departure for Bordeaux, and thereupon she invited the trio to dine with her. A fortnight subsequently to the dinner she had a chance encounter with Bevis in Oxford Street; constraint of business did not allow him to walk beside her for more than a minute or two, but they spoke of Mrs. Cosgrove’s on the following Sunday, and there, accordingly, found each other.
At Mrs. Cosgrove’s this Sunday afternoon, Monica was focused on one person only. Her being there was basically an arrangement to meet Bevis, whom she had seen twice since her visit to the apartment. A few days after that visit, she got a call from the Bevis girls, who informed her of their brother’s upcoming departure for Bordeaux, so she invited the three of them to dinner. Two weeks after that dinner, she bumped into Bevis on Oxford Street; work commitments didn’t allow him to walk beside her for more than a minute or two, but they talked about Mrs. Cosgrove’s the following Sunday, and that’s where they ended up meeting.
Tremor of self-consciousness kept Monica in dread of being watched and suspected. Few people were present to-day, and after exchanging formal words with Bevis, she moved away to talk with the hostess. Not till half an hour had passed did she venture to obey the glances which her all but avowed lover cast towards her in conversation. He was so much at ease, so like what she had always known him, that Monica asked herself whether she had not mistaken the meaning of his homage. One moment she hoped it might be so; the next, she longed for some sign of passionate devotion, and thought with anguish of the day, now so near, when he would be gone for ever. This, she ardently believed, was the man who should have been her husband. Him she could love with heart and soul, could make his will her absolute law, could live on his smiles, could devote herself to his interests. The independence she had been struggling to assert ever since her marriage meant only freedom to love. If she had understood herself as she now did, her life would never have been thus cast into bondage.
Tremors of self-consciousness kept Monica anxious about being watched and suspected. There were only a few people present today, and after exchanging polite greetings with Bevis, she moved away to chat with the hostess. It wasn't until half an hour had passed that she dared to react to the looks her almost openly affectionate admirer cast at her during their conversation. He seemed so relaxed, so much like the person she had always known, that Monica questioned whether she had misinterpreted the significance of his attention. One moment she hoped that might be the case; the next, she yearned for some sign of passionate devotion and thought with despair about the day, now so close, when he would be gone forever. She firmly believed this was the man who was meant to be her husband. He was someone she could love wholeheartedly, someone whose will she could make her own, someone whose smiles she could live on, someone to whom she could devote herself entirely. The independence she had been trying to assert since her marriage only meant freedom to love. If she had understood herself as she did now, her life would never have been thrown into such bondage.
“The girls,” Bevis was saying, “leave on Thursday. The rest of the week I shall be alone. On Monday the furniture will be stowed away at the Pantechnicon, and on Tuesday—off I go.”
“The girls,” Bevis was saying, “are leaving on Thursday. The rest of the week I’ll be on my own. On Monday, the furniture will be packed away at the storage place, and on Tuesday—I'm off.”
A casual listener could have supposed that the prospect pleased him. Monica, with a fixed smile, looked at the other groups conversing in the room; no one was paying any attention to her. In the same moment she heard a murmur from her companion’s lips; he was speaking still, but in a voice only just audible.
A casual listener might have thought that the idea made him happy. Monica, with a constant smile, glanced at the other groups chatting in the room; no one was noticing her. At the same time, she caught a faint murmur from her companion’s lips; he was still talking, but in a voice barely above a whisper.
“Come on Friday afternoon about four o’clock.”
“Come on Friday afternoon around four o’clock.”
Her heart began to throb painfully, and she knew that a treacherous colour had risen to her checks.
Her heart started to pound painfully, and she could tell that a deceitful blush had appeared on her cheeks.
“Do come—once more—for the last time. It shall be just as before—just as before. An hour’s talk, and we will say good-bye to each other.”
“Come over—one last time. It’ll be just like before—just like before. We’ll talk for an hour, and then we’ll say goodbye to each other.”
She was powerless to breathe a word. Bevis, noticing that Mrs. Cosgrove had thrown a look in their direction, suddenly laughed as if at some jest between them, and resumed his lively strain of talk. Monica also laughed. An interval of make-believe, and again the soft murmur fell upon her ear.
She couldn't bring herself to say anything. Bevis, seeing that Mrs. Cosgrove had glanced their way, suddenly laughed like he was in on some joke, and went back to his animated conversation. Monica laughed too. It was a moment of pretending, and once again the gentle whisper reached her ears.
“I shall expect you. I know you won’t refuse me this one last kindness. Some day,” his voice was all but extinguished, “some day—who knows?”
“I’ll be waiting for you. I know you won’t turn me down for this one last favor. Someday,” his voice nearly faded away, “someday—who knows?”
Dreadful hope struck through her. A stranger’s eyes turned their way, and again she laughed.
Dreadful hope pierced through her. A stranger's gaze fell on them, and once more, she laughed.
“On Friday, at four. I shall expect you.”
“On Friday at four, I’ll be expecting you.”
She rose, looked for an instant about the room, then offered him her hand, uttering some commonplace word of leave-taking. Their eyes did not meet. She went up to Mrs. Cosgrove, and as soon as possible left the house.
She got up, glanced around the room for a moment, then extended her hand to him, saying some standard goodbye. Their eyes didn't connect. She approached Mrs. Cosgrove and left the house as quickly as she could.
Widdowson met her as she crossed the threshold of home. His face told her that something extraordinary had happened, and she trembled before him.
Widdowson met her as she stepped through the door. His expression showed her that something incredible had occurred, and she shook with anticipation in front of him.
“Back already?” he exclaimed, with a grim smile. “Be quick, and take your things off, and come to the library.”
“Back already?” he said with a wry smile. “Hurry up, take off your things, and come to the library.”
If he had discovered anything (the lie, for instance, that she told him a month ago, or that more recent falsehood when she pretended, without serious reason, to have been at Miss Barfoot’s lecture), he would not look and speak thus. Hurrying, panting, she made a change of dress, and obeyed his summons.
If he had found out anything (like the lie she told him a month ago, or that more recent untruth when she claimed, without good reason, to have been at Miss Barfoot’s lecture), he wouldn’t be looking and talking like this. She hurried, breathless, changed her outfit, and answered his call.
“Miss Nunn has been here,” were his first words.
“Miss Nunn has been here,” were his first words.
She turned pale as death. Of course he observed it; she was now preparing for anything.
She turned as pale as a ghost. Naturally, he noticed; she was now getting ready for anything.
“She wanted to see you because she is going away on Monday. What’s the matter?”
“She wanted to see you because she’s leaving on Monday. What’s going on?”
“Nothing. You spoke so strangely—”
"Nothing. You talked so weird—"
“Did I? And you look very strangely. I don’t understand you. Miss Nunn says that everybody has noticed how ill you seem. It’s time we did something. To-morrow morning we are going down into Somerset, to Clevedon, to find a house.”
“Did I? And you look really strange. I don’t understand you. Miss Nunn says that everyone has noticed how unwell you seem. It’s time we did something. Tomorrow morning, we’re going down to Somerset, to Clevedon, to find a house.”
“I thought you had given up that idea.”
“I thought you had let go of that idea.”
“Whether I had or not doesn’t matter.”
“Whether I had it or not doesn’t matter.”
In the determination to appear, and be, energetic, he spoke with a rough obstinacy, a doggedness that now and then became violence. “I am decided on it now. There’s a train to Bristol at ten-twenty. You will pack just a few things; we shan’t be away for more than a day or two.”
In his effort to seem and actually be energetic, he spoke with a rough stubbornness, a tenacity that occasionally turned into aggression. “I’m set on it now. There’s a train to Bristol at ten-twenty. You just need to pack a few things; we won’t be gone for more than a day or two.”
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday—By Friday they might be back. Till now, in an anguish of uncertainty, Monica had made up her mind. She would keep the appointment on Friday, come of it what might. If she could not be back in time, she would write a letter.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday—By Friday they might be back. Until now, in a painful state of uncertainty, Monica had made her decision. She would keep the appointment on Friday, no matter what happened. If she couldn't make it back in time, she would write a letter.
“Why are you talking in this tone?” she said coldly.
“Why are you speaking like that?” she said coldly.
“What tone? I am telling you what I have decided to do, that’s all. I shall easily find a house down there, no doubt. Knowing the place, you will be able to suggest the likely localities.”
“What tone? I'm just sharing my decision, that’s it. I’ll have no problem finding a house down there, for sure. Since you know the area, you can suggest some good neighborhoods.”
She sat down, for strength was failing her.
She sat down, feeling her strength slipping away.
“It’s quite true,” Widdowson went on, staring at her with inflamed eyes. “You are beginning to look like a ghost. Oh, we’ll have an end of this!” He cackled in angry laughter. “Not a day’s unnecessary delay! Write to both your sisters this evening and tell them. I wish them both to come and live with us.”
“It’s absolutely true,” Widdowson continued, glaring at her with fiery eyes. “You’re starting to look like a ghost. Oh, we’re going to put an end to this!” He let out a bitter laugh. “Not another day of pointless waiting! Write to both your sisters tonight and let them know. I want them both to come and stay with us.”
“Very well.”
"Alright."
“Now, won’t you be glad? Won’t it be better in every way?”
“Now, won’t you be happy? Won’t it be better in every way?”
He came so near that she felt his feverish breath.
He got so close that she could feel his heated breath.
“I told you before,” she answered, “to do just as you liked.”
“I told you before,” she replied, “to do whatever you wanted.”
“And you won’t talk about being kept a prisoner?”
“And you’re not going to say anything about being held captive?”
Monica laughed.
Monica chuckled.
“Oh no, I won’t say anything at all.”
“Oh no, I won’t say anything.”
She scarcely knew what words fell from her lips. Let him propose, let him do what he liked; to her it was indifferent. She saw something before her—something she durst not, even an hour ago, have steadily contemplated; it drew her with the force of fate.
She barely knew what words came out of her mouth. Let him propose, let him do whatever he wanted; to her, it didn't matter. She saw something in front of her—something she wouldn't have dared to look at for long, even an hour ago; it pulled her in like it was meant to be.
“You know we couldn’t go on living like this—don’t you, Monica?”
“You know we couldn't keep living like this—right, Monica?”
“No, we couldn’t.”
"No, we can't."
“You see!” He almost shouted in triumph, misled by the smile on her face. “All that was needed was resolution on my part. I have been absurdly weak, and weakness in the husband means unhappiness in the wife. From to-day you look to me for guidance. I am no tyrant, but I shall rule you for your own good.”
“You see!” he almost shouted with excitement, misled by the smile on her face. “All it took was determination on my part. I've been ridiculously weak, and a weak husband leads to an unhappy wife. Starting today, you will look to me for guidance. I’m not a tyrant, but I will lead you for your own good.”
Still she smiled.
She still smiled.
“So there’s an end of our misery—isn’t it, darling? What misery! Good God, how I have suffered! Haven’t you known it?”
“So there's an end to our suffering—right, darling? What suffering! Good God, how I've endured! Didn't you realize it?”
“I have known it too well.”
"I've known it too well."
“And now you will make up to me for it, Monica?”
“And now you're going to make it up to me for that, Monica?”
Again prompted by the irresistible force, she answered mechanically,—
Again prompted by the irresistible force, she answered automatically,—
“I will do the best for both.”
“I’ll do my best for both.”
He threw himself on the ground beside her and clasped her in his arms.
He fell to the ground next to her and wrapped his arms around her.
“No, that is my own dear wife once more! Your face has altogether changed. See how right it is that a husband should take the law into his own hands! Our second year of marriage shall be very different from the first. And yet we were happy, weren’t we, my beautiful? It’s only this cursed London that has come between us. At Clevedon we shall begin our life over again—like we did at Guernsey. All our trouble, I am convinced, has come of your ill-health. This air has never suited you; you have felt miserable, and couldn’t be at peace in your home. Poor little girl! My poor darling!”
“No, that’s my own dear wife again! Your face has completely changed. See how right it is for a husband to take matters into his own hands! Our second year of marriage will be very different from the first. And yet we were happy, weren’t we, my beautiful? It’s just this cursed London that’s come between us. In Clevedon, we’ll start our life over—like we did in Guernsey. I’m convinced all our trouble has come from your bad health. This air has never suited you; you’ve felt miserable and couldn’t find peace at home. Poor little girl! My poor darling!”
Through the evening he was in a state of transport, due partly to the belief that Monica really welcomed his decision, partly to the sense of having behaved at length like a resolute man. His eyes were severely bloodshot, and before bedtime headache racked him intolerably.
Through the evening, he felt elevated, partly because he believed that Monica truly supported his decision, and partly due to the feeling of having finally acted like a determined man. His eyes were noticeably bloodshot, and before bedtime, a headache pained him relentlessly.
Everything was carried out as he had planned it. They journeyed down into Somerset, put up at a Clevedon hotel, and began house-hunting. On Wednesday the suitable abode was discovered—a house of modest pretensions, but roomy and well situated. It could be made ready for occupation in a fortnight. Bent on continuing his exhibition of vigorous promptitude, Widdowson signed a lease that same evening.
Everything went according to his plan. They traveled down to Somerset, stayed at a hotel in Clevedon, and started looking for a house. On Wednesday, they found a suitable place—a modest house, but spacious and well-located. It could be prepared for move-in within two weeks. Determined to show his usual promptness, Widdowson signed a lease that very evening.
“To-morrow we will go straight home and make our preparations for removal. When all is ready, you shall come down here and live at the hotel until the house is furnished. Go to your sister Virginia and simply bid her do as you wish. Imitate me!” He laughed fatuously. “Don’t listen to any objection. When you have once got her away she will thank you.”
“Tomorrow we’ll head straight home and start getting everything ready for the move. Once everything is set, you can come down here and stay at the hotel until the house is furnished. Go to your sister Virginia and just tell her to do what you want. Be like me!” He laughed foolishly. “Don’t pay attention to any objections. Once you’ve got her away, she’ll be grateful.”
By Thursday afternoon they were back at Herne Hill. Widdowson still kept up the show of extravagant spirits, but he was worn out. He spoke so hoarsely that one would have thought he had contracted a severe sore throat; it resulted merely from nervous strain. After a pretence of dinner, he seated himself as if to read; glancing at him a few minutes later, Monica found that he was fast asleep.
By Thursday afternoon, they were back at Herne Hill. Widdowson still put on a show of being in high spirits, but he was completely worn out. He spoke so hoarsely that you would think he had a bad sore throat; it was just from the stress. After pretending to have dinner, he sat down as if to read; a few minutes later, Monica glanced over and saw that he was fast asleep.
She could not bear to gaze at him, yet her eyes turned thither again and again. His face was repulsive to her; the deep furrows, the red eyelids, the mottled skin moved her to loathing. And yet she pitied him. His frantic exultation was the cruelest irony. What would he do? What would become of him? She turned away, and presently left the room, for the sound of his uneasy breathing made her suffer too much.
She couldn’t stand to look at him, but her eyes kept going back to him over and over. His face disgusted her; the deep lines, the red eyelids, the blotchy skin made her feel sick. Still, she felt sorry for him. His wild excitement was the harshest irony. What was he going to do? What would happen to him? She turned away and soon left the room because the sound of his heavy breathing was too painful for her to bear.
When he woke up, he came in search of her, and laughed over his involuntary nap.
When he woke up, he looked for her and laughed about his unexpected nap.
“Well, now, you will go and see your sister to-morrow morning.”
“Well, now, you’re going to see your sister tomorrow morning.”
“In the afternoon, I think.”
"I'll think in the afternoon."
“Why? Don’t let us have any procrastination. The morning, the morning!”
“Why? Let’s not procrastinate. Morning is here, morning!”
“Please do let me have my way in such a trifle as that,” Monica exclaimed nervously. “I have all sorts of things to see to here before I can go out.”
“Please let me have my way in something as small as that,” Monica exclaimed nervously. “I have a ton of things to take care of here before I can go out.”
He caressed her.
He stroked her gently.
“You shan’t say that I am unreasonable. In the afternoon, then. And don’t listen to any objections.”
"You can't say that I'm being unreasonable. In the afternoon, then. And don't entertain any objections."
“No, no.”
"No way."
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
It was Friday. All the morning Widdowson had business with house agents and furniture removers, for he would not let a day go by without some practical step towards release from the life he detested. Monica seemed to be equally active in her own department; she was turning out drawers and wardrobes, and making selection of things—on some principle understood by herself. A flush remained upon her cheeks, in marked contrast to the pallor which for a long time had given her an appearance of wasting away. That and her singularly bright eyes endowed her with beauty suggestive of what she might have gained in happy marriage.
It was Friday. All morning, Widdowson had been busy with real estate agents and movers because he wouldn’t let a day pass without taking some practical steps to escape the life he hated. Monica seemed just as busy in her own way; she was clearing out drawers and wardrobes, sorting through things based on some principle known only to her. A flush remained on her cheeks, a stark contrast to the pallor that had once made her look like she was wasting away. That, along with her unusually bright eyes, gave her a beauty that hinted at what she might have experienced in a happy marriage.
They had luncheon at one o’clock, and at a quarter to two Monica started by train for Clapham Junction. It was her purpose to have a short conversation with Virginia, who knew of the trip to Clevedon, and to speak as though she were quite reconciled to the thought of removal; after that, she would pursue her journey so as to reach Bayswater by four o’clock. But Virginia was not at home. Mrs. Conisbee said she had gone out at eleven in the morning, and with the intention of returning by teatime. After a brief hesitation Monica requested the landlady to deliver a message.
They had lunch at one o’clock, and at a quarter to two, Monica caught a train to Clapham Junction. She planned to have a short chat with Virginia, who was aware of the trip to Clevedon, and to act as if she was completely okay with the idea of moving; after that, she would continue her journey to make sure she got to Bayswater by four o’clock. But Virginia wasn’t home. Mrs. Conisbee said she had left at eleven in the morning, intending to be back by teatime. After a brief pause, Monica asked the landlady to pass along a message.
“Please ask her not to come to Herne Hill until she hears from me, as I am not likely to be at home for a day or two.”
“Please tell her not to come to Herne Hill until she hears from me, as I probably won’t be home for a day or two.”
This left more time at her disposal than she knew how to employ. She returned to the railway station, and travelled on to Victoria; there, in the corner of a waiting-room, she sat, feverishly impatient, until her watch told her that she might take the next train westward.
This gave her more free time than she knew how to use. She went back to the train station and took the train to Victoria; there, in a corner of the waiting room, she sat, anxiously impatient, until her watch indicated it was time to catch the next train heading west.
A possible danger was before her—though perhaps she need not trouble herself with the thought of such dangers. What if Mr. Barfoot happened to encounter her as she ascended the stairs? But most likely he had no idea that her female friends, who dwelt on the floor above him, were gone away. Did it matter what he might think? In a day or two—
A possible danger lay ahead of her—though maybe she shouldn't bother worrying about such things. What if Mr. Barfoot ran into her while she was going up the stairs? But he probably had no clue that her female friends, who lived on the floor above him, were away. Did it even matter what he might think? In a day or two—
She came to the street, approached the block of flats, involuntarily casting anxious glances about her. And when she was within twenty yards of the door, it opened, and forth came Barfoot. Her first sensation was unreasoning terror; her next, thankfulness that she had not been a few minutes sooner, when the very meeting she had feared, within the building itself, would have come to pass. He walked this way; he saw her; and the pleasantest smile of recognition lit up his face.
She arrived at the street, walked up to the apartment building, and glanced around nervously. As she got within twenty yards of the door, it swung open, and Barfoot stepped out. Her first feeling was sheer terror; her next was relief that she hadn’t arrived a few minutes earlier, when the very encounter she had dreaded could have happened inside. He walked toward her, noticed her, and a warm smile of recognition spread across his face.
“Mrs. Widdowson! Not a minute ago you were in my thoughts. I wished I could see you.”
“Mrs. Widdowson! Just a moment ago, I was thinking about you. I wished I could see you.”
“I am going—to make a call in this neighbourhood—”
“I’m going to make a call in this neighborhood—”
She could not command herself. The shock had left her trembling, and the necessity of feigning calmness was a new trial of her nerves. Barfoot, she felt certain, was reading her face like a printed page; he saw guilt there; his quickly-averted eyes, his peculiar smile, seemed to express the facile tolerance of a man of the world.
She couldn't control herself. The shock had her shaking, and pretending to be calm was another test of her nerves. Barfoot, she was sure, was reading her face like an open book; he saw her guilt there; his quickly averted gaze and his strange smile seemed to show the easy tolerance of a worldly man.
“Allow me to accompany you to the end of the street.”
“Let me walk with you to the end of the street.”
His words buzzed in her ears. She walked on without conscious effort, like an automaton obedient to a touch.
His words buzzed in her ears. She walked on without even thinking about it, like a robot responding to a command.
“You know that Miss Nunn has gone down into Cumberland?” Barfoot was saying, his look bent upon her.
"You know that Miss Nunn has gone down to Cumberland?" Barfoot was saying, his gaze fixed on her.
“Yes. I know.”
"Yeah. I get it."
She tried to glance at him with a smile.
She tried to look at him with a smile.
“To-morrow,” he pursued, “I am going there myself.”
“Tomorrow,” he continued, “I’m going there myself.”
“To Cumberland?”
"To Cumberland?"
“I shall see her, I hope. Perhaps she will only be angry with me.”
“I hope to see her. Maybe she’ll just be upset with me.”
“Perhaps. But perhaps not.”
"Maybe. But maybe not."
Her confusion would not be overcome. She felt a burning in her ears, on her neck. It was an agony of shame. The words she spoke sounded imbecile mutterings, which must confirm Barfoot in his worst opinion of her.
Her confusion wouldn’t go away. She felt a heat in her ears and on her neck. It was a painful sense of shame. The words she said sounded like foolish mumblings, which had to reinforce Barfoot’s worst opinions of her.
“If it is all in vain,” he continued, “then I shall say good-bye, and there’s an end.”
“If it’s all for nothing,” he continued, “then I’ll say goodbye, and that’s that.”
“I hope not—I should think—”
"I hope not—I would think—"
Useless. She set her lips and became mute. If only he would leave her! And almost immediately he did so, with a few words of kind tone. She felt the pressure of his hand, and saw him walk rapidly away; doubtless he knew this was what she desired.
Useless. She pressed her lips together and fell silent. She just wanted him to go! Almost instantly, he did, with a few gentle words. She felt his hand leaving hers and watched him walk away quickly; he surely knew this was what she wanted.
Until he had passed out of sight, Monica kept the same direction. Then she turned round and hurried back, fearful lest the detention might make her late, and Bevis might lose hope of her coming. There could be no one in the building now whom she need fear to meet. She opened the big entrance door and went up.
Until he was out of sight, Monica kept going in the same direction. Then she turned around and rushed back, worried that the delay might make her late, and Bevis might lose hope of her arriving. There was no one in the building now that she needed to worry about meeting. She opened the large entrance door and went upstairs.
Bevis must have been waiting for the sound of her light footstep; his door flew open before she could knock. Without speaking, a silent laugh of joy upon his lips, he drew back to make room for her entrance, and then pressed both her hands.
Bevis must have been waiting for the sound of her light footsteps; his door swung open before she could knock. Without saying a word, a silent laugh of joy on his lips, he stepped back to let her in, then took both her hands.
In the sitting-room were beginnings of disorder. Pictures had been taken down from the walls and light ornaments removed.
In the living room, there were signs of messiness. Pictures had been taken down from the walls and light decorations had been removed.
“I shan’t sleep here after to-night,” Bevis began, his agitation scarcely less obvious than Monica’s. “To-morrow I shall be packing what is to go with me. How I hate it all!”
“I won’t sleep here after tonight,” Bevis started, his agitation almost as clear as Monica’s. “Tomorrow I’ll be packing what I’m taking with me. How I hate all of this!”
Monica dropped into a chair near the door.
Monica sank into a chair by the door.
“Oh, not there!” he exclaimed. “Here, where you sat before. We are going to have tea together again.”
“Oh, not there!” he exclaimed. “Here, where you sat before. We’re going to have tea together again.”
His utterances were forced, and the laugh that came between them betrayed the quivering of his nerves.
His words felt strained, and the laughter that broke the silence revealed his nervousness.
“Tell me what you have been doing. I have thought of you day and night.”
“Tell me what you’ve been up to. I’ve been thinking about you day and night.”
He brought a chair close to her, and when he had seated himself he took one of her hands. Monica, scarcely repressing a sob, the result of reaction from her fears and miseries, drew the hand away. But again he took it.
He pulled a chair closer to her, and when he sat down, he took one of her hands. Monica, barely holding back a sob from the mix of her fears and pain, pulled her hand away. But he took it again.
“There’s the glove on it,” he said in a shaking voice. “What harm in my holding your glove? Don’t think of it, and talk to me. I love music, but no music is like your voice.”
“There's the glove on it,” he said in a trembling voice. “What’s the harm in me holding your glove? Don’t think about it, just talk to me. I love music, but nothing compares to your voice.”
“You go on Monday?”
“Are you going on Monday?”
It was her lips spoke the sentence, not she.
It was her lips that spoke the sentence, not her.
“No, on Tuesday—I think.”
“No, I think on Tuesday.”
“My—Mr. Widdowson is going to take me away from London.”
“My—Mr. Widdowson is going to take me out of London.”
“Away?”
"Going away?"
She told him the circumstances. Bevis kept his eyes upon her face, with a look of rapt adoration which turned at length to pain and woeful perplexity.
She explained the situation to him. Bevis watched her face, his expression filled with deep admiration that eventually shifted to pain and confusion.
“You have been married a year,” he murmured. “Oh, if I had met you before that! What a cruel fate that we should know each other only when there was no hope!”
“You’ve been married for a year,” he said quietly. “Oh, if only I had met you before that! What a cruel twist of fate that we should meet only when there’s no chance!”
The man revealed himself in this dolorous sentimentality. His wonted blitheness and facetiousness, his healthy features, his supple, well-built frame, suggested that when love awoke within him he would express it with virile force. But he trembled and blushed like a young girl, and his accents fell at last into a melodious whining.
The man showed himself in this sad sentimentality. His usual cheerfulness and humor, his healthy looks, and his strong, fit body suggested that when love stirred inside him, he would express it with masculine strength. But he shook and blushed like a young girl, and eventually his voice turned into a soft whine.
He raised the gloved fingers to his lips. Monica bent her face away, deadly pale, with closed eyes.
He raised his gloved fingers to his lips. Monica turned her face away, extremely pale, with her eyes closed.
“Are we to part to-day, and never again see each other?” he went on. “Say that you love me! Only say that you love me!”
“Are we really going to say goodbye today and never see each other again?” he continued. “Just tell me you love me! Just say you love me!”
“You despise me for coming to you like this.”
“You hate me for approaching you like this.”
“Despise you?”
"Do I hate you?"
In a sudden rapture he folded his arms about her.
In a sudden burst of emotion, he wrapped his arms around her.
“Say that you love me!”
“Tell me you love me!”
He kissed away the last syllable of her whispered reply.
He kissed away the last word of her whispered response.
“Monica!—what is there before us? How can I leave you?”
“Monica!—what's ahead of us? How can I walk away from you?”
Yielding herself for the moment in a faintness that threatened to subdue her, she was yet able, when his caresses grew wild with passion, to put back his arms and move suddenly away. He sprang up, and they stood speechless. Again he drew near.
Yielding to a brief faintness that almost overwhelmed her, she was still able to push his arms away and suddenly move back when his touches became frantic with desire. He jumped up, and they both stood there in silence. Once more, he approached her.
“Take me away with you!” Monica then cried, clasping her hands together. “I can’t live with him. Let me go with you to France.”
“Take me away with you!” Monica then cried, bringing her hands together. “I can’t live with him. Let me go with you to France.”
Bevis’s blue eyes widened with consternation.
Bevis's blue eyes widened in shock.
“Dare you—dare you do that?” he stammered.
“Do you really—are you actually going to do that?” he stammered.
“Dare I? What courage is needed? How dare I remain with a man I hate?”
“Should I? What kind of courage does it take? How dare I stay with a man I despise?”
“You must leave him. Of course you must leave him.”
“You have to leave him. Of course you have to leave him.”
“Oh, before another day has passed!” sobbed Monica. “It is wrong even to go back to-day. I love you, and in that there is nothing to be ashamed of; but what bitter shame to be living with him, practising hypocrisy. He makes me hate myself as much as I hate him.”
“Oh, before another day goes by!” cried Monica. “It’s wrong to go back today. I love you, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of in that; but what a bitter shame it is to be living with him, pretending to be someone I'm not. He makes me hate myself as much as I hate him.”
“Has he behaved brutally to you, dearest?”
“Has he treated you harshly, my dear?”
“I have nothing to accuse him of, except that he persuaded me to marry him—made me think that I could love him when I didn’t know what love meant. And now he wishes to get me away from all the people I know because he is jealous of every one. And how can I blame him? Hasn’t he cause for jealousy? I am deceiving him—I have deceived him for a long time, pretending to be a faithful wife when I have often wished that he might die and release me. It is I who am to blame. I ought to have left him. Every woman who thinks of her husband as I do ought to go away from him. It is base and wicked to stay there—pretending—deceiving—”
“I have nothing to blame him for, except that he convinced me to marry him—made me believe that I could love him when I didn’t even know what love was. And now he wants to isolate me from everyone I know because he’s jealous of each person. And how can I fault him? Doesn’t he have reason to be jealous? I’m deceiving him—I’ve been deceiving him for a long time, pretending to be a loyal wife when I’ve often wished he would die and set me free. It’s my fault. I should have left him. Any woman who thinks of her husband the way I do should walk away from him. It’s low and wrong to stay there—pretending—deceiving—”
Bevis came towards her and took her in his arms.
Bevis walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her.
“You love me?” she panted under his hot kisses. “You will take me away with you?”
“You love me?” she breathed between his passionate kisses. “You’ll take me away with you?”
“Yes, you shall come. We mustn’t travel together, but you shall come—when I am settled there—”
“Yes, you will come. We shouldn’t travel together, but you will come—when I’m settled there—”
“Why can’t I go with you?”
“Why can’t I come with you?”
“My own darling, think what it would mean if our secret were discovered—”
“My dear, think about what it would mean if our secret got out—”
“Discovered? But how can we think of that? How can I go back there, with your kisses on my lips? Oh, I must live somewhere in secret until you go, and then—I have put aside the few things that I want to take. I could never have continued to live with him even if you hadn’t said you love me. I was obliged to pretend that I agreed to everything, but I will beg and starve rather than bear that misery any longer. Don’t you love me enough to face whatever may happen?”
“Discovered? But how can we even think about that? How can I go back there with your kisses still on my lips? Oh, I have to live somewhere in secret until you leave, and then—I’ve set aside the few things I want to take. I could never have kept living with him even if you hadn’t said you love me. I had to pretend I agreed with everything, but I’d rather beg and starve than endure that misery any longer. Don’t you love me enough to face whatever might happen?”
“I love you with all my soul, Monica! Sit down again, dearest; let us talk about it, and see what we can do.”
“I love you with all my heart, Monica! Please sit down again, my dear; let’s talk about it and figure out what we can do.”
He half led, half carried, her to a couch, and there, holding her embraced, gave way to such amorous frenzy that again Monica broke from him.
He kind of led her but also carried her to a couch, and there, while holding her close, he lost control in such a passionate way that once again, Monica pulled away from him.
“If you love me,” she said in tones of bitter distress, “you will respect me as much as before I came to you. Help me—I am suffering so dreadfully. Say at once that I shall go away with you, even if we travel as strangers. If you are afraid of it becoming known I will do everything to prevent it. I will go back and live there until Tuesday, and come away only at the last hour, so that no one will ever suspect where—I don’t care how humbly I live when we are abroad. I can have lodgings somewhere in the same town, or near, and you will come—”
“If you love me,” she said in a voice filled with painful distress, “you will respect me just as much as you did before I came into your life. Please help me—I’m suffering so much. Just say that I can leave with you, even if we have to pretend to be strangers. If you’re worried about it being found out, I will do everything I can to keep it a secret. I’ll go back and stay there until Tuesday, and leave only at the last moment, so that no one will ever suspect where I’ve gone—I don’t care how simply I live when we’re abroad. I can find a place to stay somewhere in the same town or nearby, and you will come—”
His hair disordered, his eyes wild, quivering throughout with excitement, he stood as if pondering possibilities.
His hair messy, his eyes wild and trembling with excitement, he stood as if thinking about the possibilities.
“Shall I be a burden to you?” she asked in a faint voice. “Is the expense more than you—”
“Am I going to be a burden to you?” she asked softly. “Is the cost more than you—”
“No, no, no! How can you think of such a thing? But it would be so much better if you could wait here until I—Oh, what a wretched thing to have to seem so cowardly to you! But the difficulties are so great, darling. I shall be a perfect stranger in Bordeaux. I don’t even speak the language at all well. When I reach there I shall be met at the station by one of our people, and—just think, how could we manage? You know, if it were discovered that I had run away with you, it would damage my position terribly. I can’t say what might happen. My darling, we shall have to be very careful. In a few weeks it might all be managed very easily. I would write to you, to some address, and as soon as ever I had made arrangements—”
“No, no, no! How can you even think like that? But it would be so much better if you could just wait here until I—Oh, how awful it is to seem so cowardly to you! But the challenges are just too big, sweetheart. I’ll be a complete stranger in Bordeaux. My language skills are quite poor. When I get there, someone from our team will meet me at the station, and—just think, how could we handle that? You know, if anyone found out that I ran away with you, it would ruin my reputation. I can't imagine what could happen. My love, we need to be very cautious. In a few weeks, this could all work out much more smoothly. I would write to you at some address, and as soon as I have everything set up—”
Monica broke down. The unmanliness of his tone was so dreadful a disillusion. She had expected something so entirely different—swift, virile passion, eagerness even to anticipate her desire of flight, a strength, a courage to which she could abandon herself, body and soul. She broke down utterly, and wept with her hands upon her face.
Monica broke down. The weakness in his tone was such a terrible disappointment. She had expected something completely different—quick, strong passion, an eagerness to embrace her desire to escape, a strength, a courage to which she could give herself entirely. She fell apart completely and cried with her hands covering her face.
Bevis, in sympathetic distraction, threw himself on his knees before her, clutching at her waist.
Bevis, feeling empathetic, dropped to his knees in front of her, holding onto her waist.
“Don’t, don’t!” he wailed. “I can’t bear that! I will do as you wish, Monica. Tell me some place where I can write to you. Don’t cry, darling—don’t—”
“Don’t, don’t!” he cried. “I can’t handle that! I’ll do what you want, Monica. Just tell me where I can write to you. Please don’t cry, darling—don’t—”
She went to the couch again, and rested her face against the back, sobbing. For a time they exchanged mere incoherences. Then passion seized upon both, and they clung together, mute, motionless.
She went back to the couch and rested her face against the back, sobbing. For a while, they exchanged nothing but meaningless words. Then passion took over both of them, and they held onto each other, silent and still.
“To-morrow I shall leave him,” whispered Monica, when at length their eyes met. “He will be away in the morning, and I can take what I need. Tell me where I shall go to, dear—to wait until you are ready. No one will ever suspect that we have gone together. He knows I am miserable with him; he will believe that I have found some way of supporting myself in London. Where shall I live till Tuesday?”
“Tomorrow I’ll leave him,” Monica whispered when their eyes finally met. “He’ll be gone in the morning, and I can take what I need. Tell me where I should go, dear—to wait until you’re ready. No one will ever suspect that we left together. He knows I’m unhappy with him; he’ll think I’ve figured out a way to support myself in London. Where should I live until Tuesday?”
Bevis scarcely listened to her words. The temptation of the natural man, basely selfish, was strengthening its hold upon him.
Bevis barely paid attention to her words. The allure of his selfish instincts was getting stronger.
“Do you love me? Do you really love me?” he replied to her, with thick, agitated utterance.
“Do you love me? Do you really love me?” he responded to her, with a heavy, troubled voice.
“Why should you ask that? How can you doubt it?”
“Why are you asking that? How can you doubt it?”
“If you really love me—”
“If you truly love me—”
His face and tones frightened her.
His expression and voice terrified her.
“Don’t make me doubt your love! If I have not perfect trust in you what will become of me?”
“Don’t make me question your love! If I don’t have complete trust in you, what will happen to me?”
Yet once more she drew resolutely away from him. He pursued, and held her arms with violence.
Yet again, she pulled away from him determinedly. He chased after her and grabbed her arms forcefully.
“Oh, I am mistaken in you!” Monica cried in fear and bitterness. “You don’t know what love means, as I feel it. You won’t speak, you won’t think, of our future life together—”
“Oh, I was wrong about you!” Monica exclaimed with fear and bitterness. “You don’t understand what love is, like I do. You won’t talk about or even think about our future life together—”
“I have promised—”
"I've promised—"
“Leave loose of me! It’s because I have come here. You think me a worthless woman, without sense of honour, with no self-respect—”
“Let go of me! It’s because I’m here. You think I’m a worthless woman, without any sense of honor, with no self-respect—”
He protested vehemently. The anguished look in her eyes had its effect upon his senses; by degrees it subjugated him, and made him ashamed of his ignoble impulse.
He protested strongly. The pained look in her eyes affected him; slowly it took control of him and made him ashamed of his unworthy impulse.
“Shall I find a lodging for you till Tuesday?” he asked, after moving away and returning.
“Should I find a place for you to stay until Tuesday?” he asked, after stepping away and coming back.
“Will you?”
"Are you going to?"
“You are sure you can leave home to-morrow—without being suspected?”
“You’re sure you can leave home tomorrow—without raising any suspicion?”
“Yes, I am sure I can. He is going to the City in the morning. Appoint some place where I can meet you. I will come in a cab, and then you can take me on to the—”
“Yes, I’m sure I can. He’s going to the city in the morning. Set a place where I can meet you. I’ll come in a cab, and then you can take me on to the—”
“But you are forgetting the risks. If you take a cab from Herne Hill, with your luggage, he will be able to find out the driver afterwards, and learn where you went.”
“But you're forgetting the risks. If you take a cab from Herne Hill with your luggage, he will be able to track down the driver later and find out where you went.”
“Then I will drive only as far as the station, and come to Victoria, and you shall meet me there.”
“Then I’ll just drive to the station, and come to Victoria, and you’ll meet me there.”
The necessity of these paltry arrangements filled her soul with shame. On the details of her escape she had hardly reflected. All such considerations were, she deemed, naturally the care of her lover, who would act with promptitude, and so as to spare her a moment’s perplexity. She had imagined everything in readiness within a few hours; on her no responsibility save that of breaking the hated bond. Inevitably she turned to the wretched thought that Bevis regarded her as a burden. Yes, he had already his mother and his sisters to support; she ought to have remembered that.
The necessity of these meager arrangements filled her with shame. She barely thought about the details of her escape. She believed all such concerns were naturally her lover's responsibility, who would take care of everything quickly to spare her any confusion. She envisioned everything would be ready within a few hours; for her, the only obligation was to break the loathed bond. Inevitably, she couldn't shake the miserable thought that Bevis saw her as a burden. Yes, he already had his mother and sisters to take care of; she should have kept that in mind.
“What time would it be?” he was asking.
“What time is it?” he was asking.
Unable to reply, she pursued her reflections. She had money, but how to obtain possession of it? Afterwards, when her flight was accomplished, secrecy, it appeared, would be no less needful than now. That necessity had never occurred to her; declaration of the love that had freed her seemed inevitable—nay, desirable. Her self-respect demanded it; only thus could she justify herself before his sisters and other people who knew her. They, perhaps, would not see it in the light of justification, but that mattered little; her own conscience would approve what she had done. But to steal away, and live henceforth in hiding, like a woman dishonoured even in her own eyes—from that she shrank with repugnance. Rather than that, would it not be preferable to break with her husband, and openly live apart from him, alone?
Unable to respond, she continued to reflect. She had money, but how could she get her hands on it? Later, once her escape was successful, keeping it a secret would be just as important as it was now. She had never considered that necessity; confessing the love that had set her free felt unavoidable—actually, it seemed desirable. Her self-respect demanded it; only this way could she justify herself to his sisters and others who knew her. They, perhaps, wouldn’t view it as justification, but that didn’t matter much; her own conscience would approve of what she had done. But to slip away and live in hiding from then on, like a woman disgraced even in her own eyes—she recoiled at that idea. Wouldn’t it be better to separate from her husband and openly live apart from him, alone?
“Be honest with me,” she suddenly exclaimed. “Had you rather I didn’t come?”
“Be honest with me,” she suddenly said. “Would you rather I not come?”
“No, no! I can’t live without you—”
“No, no! I can’t live without you—”
“But, if that is true, why haven’t you the courage to let every one know it? In your heart you must think that we are acting wrongly.”
“But if that's true, why don't you have the courage to let everyone know? Deep down, you must believe that we're acting wrong.”
“I don’t! I believe, as you do, that love is the only true marriage. Very well!” He made a desperate gesture. “Let us defy all consequences. For your sake—”
“I don’t! I believe, like you do, that love is the only real marriage. Fine!” He made a frantic gesture. “Let’s face whatever comes next. For you—”
His exaggerated vehemence could not deceive Monica.
His exaggerated intensity couldn't fool Monica.
“What is it,” she asked, “that you most fear?”
“What is it,” she asked, “that you fear the most?”
He began to babble protestations, but she would not listen to them.
He started to ramble his objections, but she refused to pay attention to them.
“Tell me—I have every right to ask—what you most fear?”
“Tell me—I have every right to ask—what are you most afraid of?”
“I fear nothing if you are with me. Let my relatives say and think what they like. I have made great sacrifices for them; to give up you would be too much.”
“I’m not afraid of anything if you are by my side. Let my family say and think whatever they want. I’ve made huge sacrifices for them; giving up you would be too much.”
Yet his distress was evident. It strained the corners of his mouth, wrinkled his forehead.
Yet his distress was clear. It pulled at the corners of his mouth and creased his forehead.
“The disgrace would be more than you could bear. You would never see your mother and your sisters again.”
“The shame would be more than you could handle. You would never see your mom and your sisters again.”
“If they are so prejudiced, so unreasonable, I can’t help it. They must—”
“If they’re so biased, so irrational, I can’t do anything about it. They have to—”
He was interrupted by a loud rat-tat at the outer door. Blanched herself, Monica saw that her lover’s face turned to ghastly pallor.
He was interrupted by a loud knock at the outer door. Pale herself, Monica noticed that her lover’s face turned dead white.
“Who can that be?” he whispered hoarsely. “I expect no one.”
“Who could that be?” he whispered harshly. “I don’t expect anyone.”
“Need you answer?”
"Need your answer?"
“Can it be—? Have you been followed? Does any one suspect—?”
“Could it be—? Have you been followed? Does anyone suspect—?”
They stared at each other, still half-paralysed, and stood waiting thus until the knock was repeated impatiently.
They stared at each other, still somewhat frozen, and continued to wait like that until the knock came again, this time more impatiently.
“I daren’t open,” Bevis whispered, coming close to her, as if on the impulse of seeking protection—for to offer it was assuredly not in his mind. “It might be—”
“I can’t open it,” Bevis whispered, leaning in closer to her, as if he was looking for protection—because offering it definitely wasn’t on his mind. “It might be—”
“No! That’s impossible.”
"No way! That's impossible."
“I daren’t go to the door. The risk is too frightful. He will go away, whoever it is, if no one answers.”
“I can’t go to the door. The risk is too terrifying. Whoever it is will leave if no one answers.”
Both were shaking in the second stage of terror. Bevis put his arm about Monica, and felt her heart give great throbs against his own. Their passion for the moment was effectually quenched.
Both were shaking in the second stage of fear. Bevis wrapped his arm around Monica and felt her heart pounding against his. Their passion in that moment was completely extinguished.
“Listen! That’s the clink of the letter-box. A card or something has been put in. Then it’s all right. I’ll wait a moment.”
“Listen! That’s the sound of the mailbox. A card or something has been dropped in. Then it’s all good. I’ll just wait a moment.”
He stepped to the door of the room, opened it without sound, and at once heard footsteps descending the stairs. In the look which he cast back at her, a grin rather than a smile, Monica saw something that gave her a pang of shame on his behalf. On going to the letter-box he found a card, with a few words scribbled upon it.
He walked over to the door of the room, opened it quietly, and immediately heard footsteps coming down the stairs. In the glance he threw back at her, a grin instead of a smile, Monica sensed something that made her feel a twinge of shame for him. When he approached the letterbox, he discovered a card with a few words hastily written on it.
“Only one of our partners!” he exclaimed gleefully. “Wants to see me to-night. Of course he took it for granted I was out.”
“Only one of our partners!” he exclaimed excitedly. “Wants to see me tonight. Of course, he assumed I was out.”
Monica was looking at her watch. Past five o’clock.
Monica was checking her watch. It was past five o’clock.
“I think I must go,” she said timidly.
“I think I should go,” she said shyly.
“But what are our arrangements? Do you still intend—”
“But what are our plans? Do you still plan—”
“Intend? Isn’t it for you to decide?”
“Intend? Isn’t that up to you?”
There was a coldness in the words of both, partly the result of the great shock they had undergone, in part due to their impatience with each other.
There was a chill in both of their words, partly because of the huge shock they'd experienced, and partly because of their frustration with each other.
“Darling—do what I proposed at first. Stay for a few days, until I am settled at Bordeaux.”
“Babe—please do what I suggested earlier. Stick around for a few days, until I get settled in Bordeaux.”
“Stay with my—my husband?”
“Stay with my husband?”
She used the word purposely, significantly, to see how it would affect him. The bitterness of her growing disillusion allowed her to think and speak as if no ardent feeling were concerned.
She used the word intentionally, deliberately, to see how it would impact him. The bitterness of her increasing disillusionment allowed her to think and speak as if no strong feelings were involved.
“For both our sakes, dearest, dearest love! A few days longer, until I have written to you, and told you exactly what to do. The journey won’t be very difficult for you; and think how much better, dear Monica, if we can escape discovery, and live for each other without any shame or fear to disturb us. You will be my own dear true wife. I will love and guard you as long as I live.”
“For both our sakes, my dearest love! Just a few more days until I’ve written to you and told you exactly what to do. The journey won’t be too hard for you; and think how much better it will be, dear Monica, if we can avoid being discovered and live for each other without any shame or fear to disturb us. You will be my own true wife. I will love and protect you for as long as I live.”
He embraced her with placid tenderness, laying his cheek against hers, kissing her hands.
He hugged her gently, resting his cheek against hers and kissing her hands.
“We must see each other again,” he continued. “Come on Sunday, will you? And in the meantime find out some place where I could address letters to you. You can always find a stationer’s shop where they will receive letters. Be guided by me, dear little girl. Only a week or two—to save the happiness of our whole lives.”
“We have to meet again,” he said. “Can you come on Sunday? In the meantime, find a place where I can send letters to you. You can usually find a stationery store that will accept letters. Trust me on this, dear girl. Just a week or two—it's to save the happiness of our entire lives.”
Monica listened, but with half-attention, her look fixed on the floor. Encouraged by her silence, the lover went on in a strain of heightening enthusiasm, depicting the raptures of their retirement from the world in some suburb of Bordeaux. How this retreat was to escape the notice of his business companions, through whom the scandal might get wind, he did not suggest. The truth was, Bevis found himself in an extremely awkward position, with issues he had not contemplated, and all he cared for was to avert the immediate peril of public discovery. The easy-going, kindly fellow had never considered all the responsibility involved in making mild love—timorously selfish from the first—to a married woman who took his advances with desperate seriousness. He had not in him the stuff of vigorous rascality, still less the only other quality which can support a man in such a situation as this—heroism of moral revolt. So he cut a very poor figure, and was dolefully aware of it. He talked, talked; trying to disguise his feebleness in tinsel phrases; and Monica still kept her eyes cast down.
Monica listened, but only half-heartedly, her gaze fixed on the floor. Encouraged by her silence, her lover continued with growing enthusiasm, describing the joys of their escape from the world to some suburb of Bordeaux. He didn't mention how this retreat would avoid the suspicion of his business associates, who might catch wind of the scandal. The truth was, Bevis found himself in an incredibly awkward situation, facing issues he hadn't thought about, and all he wanted was to avoid the immediate danger of being publicly discovered. The easy-going, kind guy had never considered the responsibilities that came with tentatively pursuing a married woman who took his advances far too seriously. He lacked the boldness needed for this kind of situation, and even less the strong moral courage that could help a man in a predicament like this. So he came off quite poorly and was painfully aware of it. He kept talking, trying to mask his weakness with flashy words, while Monica continued to keep her eyes downcast.
When another half-hour had passed, she sighed deeply and rose from her seat. She would write to him, she said, and let him know where a reply would reach her. No, she must not come here again; all he had to tell her would be communicated by letter. The subdued tone, the simple sadness of her words, distressed Bevis, and yet he secretly congratulated himself. He had done nothing for which this woman could justly reproach him; marvellous—so he considered—had been his self-restraint; absolutely, he had behaved “like a gentleman.” To be sure, he was miserably in love, and, if circumstances by any means allowed of it, would send for Monica to join him in France. Should the thing prove impossible, he had nothing whatever on his conscience.
When another half-hour passed, she sighed deeply and got up from her seat. She would write to him, she said, and let him know where he could send a reply. No, she shouldn’t come here again; everything he needed to tell her would be communicated by letter. The low tone and simple sadness of her words troubled Bevis, but he secretly felt proud of himself. He hadn’t done anything that this woman could justly blame him for; amazing—he thought—was his self-control; truly, he had acted “like a gentleman.” Of course, he was completely in love, and if the situation allowed, he would ask Monica to come join him in France. If that turned out to be impossible, he had nothing weighing on his conscience.
He held out his arms to her. Monica shook her head and looked away.
He reached out his arms to her. Monica shook her head and turned away.
“Say once more that you love me, darling,” he pleaded. “I shall not rest for an hour until I am able to write and say, “Come to me.””
“Say it again that you love me, darling,” he begged. “I won’t rest for a moment until I can write and say, ‘Come to me.’”
She permitted him to hold her once more in his soft embrace.
She allowed him to hold her again in his gentle embrace.
“Kiss me, Monica!”
“Kiss me, Monica!”
She put her lips to his cheek, and withdrew them, still shunning his look.
She pressed her lips to his cheek and then pulled away, still avoiding his gaze.
“Oh, not that kind of kiss. Like you kissed me before.”
“Oh, not that kind of kiss. Like the one you gave me before.”
“I can’t,” she replied, with choking voice, the tears again starting forth.
“I can’t,” she said, her voice thick with emotion, tears welling up again.
“But what have I done that you should love me less, dearest?”
“But what have I done for you to love me less, my dear?”
He kissed the falling drops, murmuring assurances, encouragements.
He kissed the falling drops, whispering reassurances and encouragements.
“You shan’t leave me until I have heard you say that your love is unchanged. Whisper it to me, sweetest!”
“You won’t leave me until I hear you say that your love hasn’t changed. Whisper it to me, my dear!”
“When we meet again—not now.”
"When we meet again—not yet."
“You frighten me. Monica, we are not saying good-bye for ever?”
“You're scaring me. Monica, we're not saying goodbye forever, right?”
“If you send for me I will come.”
“If you send for me, I will come.”
“You promise faithfully? You will come?”
“You promise to come? You really will?”
“If you send for me I will come.”
“If you call for me, I will come.”
That was her last word. He opened the door for her, and listened as she departed.
That was her last word. He opened the door for her and listened as she left.
CHAPTER XXIII
IN AMBUSH
Hitherto, Widdowson had entertained no grave mistrust of his wife. The principles she had avowed, directly traceable as it seemed to her friendship with the militant women in Chelsea, he disliked and feared; but her conduct he fully believed to be above reproach. His jealousy of Barfoot did not glance at Monica’s attitude towards the man; merely at the man himself, whom he credited with native scoundreldom. Barfoot represented to his mind a type of licentious bachelor; why, he could not have made perfectly clear to his own understanding. Possibly the ease of Everard’s bearing, the something aristocratic in his countenance and his speech, the polish of his manner, especially in formal converse with women, from the first gave offence to Widdowson’s essentially middle-class sensibilities. If Monica were in danger at all, it was, he felt convinced, from that quarter. The subject of his wife’s intimate dialogue with Barfoot at the Academy still remained a mystery to him. He put faith in her rebellious declaration that every word might have been safely repeated in his hearing, but, be the matter what it might, the manner of Barfoot’s talk meant evil. Of that conviction he could not get rid.
Up until now, Widdowson hadn’t really doubted his wife. Although he disliked and feared the views she had expressed, which seemed directly linked to her friendship with the militant women in Chelsea, he believed her behavior to be beyond criticism. His jealousy of Barfoot didn’t extend to Monica’s feelings toward him; he simply viewed Barfoot as a scoundrel. To him, Barfoot embodied the type of immoral bachelor he despised; he couldn’t fully articulate why that was. Perhaps it was Everard’s relaxed attitude, the touch of aristocracy in his looks and speech, and the polish of his manners—especially when talking to women—that initially offended Widdowson’s middle-class sensibilities. He was convinced that if Monica was in any danger, it was from Barfoot. The details of his wife’s close conversation with Barfoot at the Academy still puzzled him. He trusted her defiant claim that every word could have been safely shared with him, but regardless of the context, he believed Barfoot’s words had bad intentions. He couldn’t shake that conviction.
He had read somewhere that a persistently jealous husband may not improbably end by irritating an innocent wife into affording real ground for jealousy. A man with small knowledge of the world is much impressed by dicta such as these; they get into the crannies of his mind, and thence direct the course of his thinking. Widdowson, before his marriage, had never suspected the difficulty of understanding a woman; had he spoken his serious belief on that subject, it would have been found to represent the most primitive male conception of the feminine being. Women were very like children; it was rather a task to amuse them and to keep them out of mischief. Therefore the blessedness of household toil, in especial the blessedness of child-bearing and all that followed. Intimacy with Monica had greatly affected his views, yet chiefly by disturbing them; no firmer ground offered itself to his treading when he perforce admitted that his former standpoint was every day assailed by some incontestable piece of evidence. Woman had individual characters; that discovery, though not a very profound one, impressed him with the force of something arrived at by independent observation. Monica often puzzled him gravely; he could not find the key to her satisfactions and discontents. To regard her simply as a human being was beyond the reach of his intelligence. He cast the blame of his difficulties upon sex, and paid more attention to the hints on such topics afforded him by his reading. He would endeavour to keep his jealousy out of sight, lest the mysterious tendency of the female nature might prompt Monica to deliberate wrongdoing.
He had read somewhere that a constantly jealous husband might end up annoying an innocent wife into actually giving him a real reason to be jealous. A man with limited life experience is easily influenced by ideas like these; they settle into the corners of his mind and then shape his thinking. Before getting married, Widdowson never realized how challenging it was to understand a woman; if he'd shared his true beliefs about it, they would have reflected the most basic male view of women. He saw women as being much like children; it was somewhat of a task to entertain them and keep them out of trouble. Thus, he saw the joys of household chores, especially the joy of childbirth and everything that followed. His closeness to Monica had significantly changed his views, mostly by confusing them; he found no stable ground as he reluctantly admitted that his previous beliefs were being challenged every day by undeniable evidence. He discovered that women had unique personalities; this realization, though not very insightful, felt like a profound observation to him. Monica often puzzled him deeply; he couldn't figure out what made her happy or upset. Treating her simply as a person was beyond his understanding. He blamed his struggles on gender and paid closer attention to the advice on such matters that he picked up from his reading. He tried to hide his jealousy, fearing that the mysterious nature of women might lead Monica to misbehave.
To-day for the first time there flashed across him the thought that already he might have been deceived. It originated in a peculiarity of Monica’s behaviour at luncheon. She ate scarcely anything; she seemed hurried, frequently glancing at the clock; and she lost herself in reverie. Discovering that his eye was upon her, she betrayed uneasiness, and began to talk without considering what she meant to say. All this might mean nothing more than her barely-concealed regret at being obliged to leave London; but Widdowson remarked it with a vivacity of feeling perhaps due to the excitement in which he had lived for the past week. Perhaps the activity, the resolution to which he had urged himself, caused a sharpening of his perceptions. And the very thought, never out of his mind, that only a few days had to elapse before he carried off his wife from the scene of peril, tended to make him more vividly conscious of that peril. Certain it was that a moment’s clairvoyance assailed his peace, and left behind it all manner of ugly conjectures. Women—so said the books—are adepts at dissimulation. Was it conceivable that Monica had taken advantage of the liberty he had of late allowed her? If a woman could not endure a direct, searching gaze, must it not imply some enormous wickedness?—seeing that nature has armed them for this very trial.
Today, for the first time, the thought struck him that he might have already been fooled. It came from something odd about Monica's behavior at lunch. She hardly ate anything, seemed rushed, frequently checked the clock, and seemed lost in thought. When she noticed he was watching her, she showed signs of discomfort and started talking without thinking about what she was saying. All of this might just reflect her almost-hidden regret about leaving London, but Widdowson noticed it with a heightened sense of awareness, perhaps due to the excitement he had felt over the past week. Maybe the energy and determination he had pushed himself to maintain sharpened his senses. And the nagging thought that only a few days remained before he could take his wife away from danger made him even more aware of that danger. It was clear that a moment of insight disrupted his peace and left him with all kinds of unpleasant suspicions. Women—so the books say—are skilled at hiding their true feelings. Could it be possible that Monica had taken advantage of the freedom he had recently given her? If a woman couldn’t handle a direct, probing look, didn’t that suggest some serious wrongdoing?—since nature has equipped them to face this very challenge.
In her setting forth for the railway station hurry was again evident, and disinclination to exchange parting words. If the eagerness were simple and honest, would she not have accepted his suggestion and have gone in the morning?
In her rush to the train station, urgency was apparent again, along with a reluctance to say goodbye. If her eagerness were genuine, wouldn't she have taken his suggestion and left in the morning?
For five minutes after her departure he stood in the hall, staring before him. A new jealousy, a horrible constriction of the heart, had begun to torture him. He went and walked about in the library, but could not dispel his suffering. Vain to keep repeating that Monica was incapable of baseness. Of that he was persuaded, but none the less a hideous image returned upon his mental vision—a horror—a pollution of thought.
For five minutes after she left, he stood in the hallway, staring blankly ahead. A fresh wave of jealousy and a terrible tightening in his chest began to torment him. He went to walk around the library, but he couldn’t shake off his pain. It felt pointless to keep reminding himself that Monica was incapable of being petty. He believed that to be true, yet a dreadful image kept coming to mind—a nightmare—a tainting of his thoughts.
One thing he could do to restore his sanity. He would walk over to Lavender Hill, and accompany his wife on her return home. Indeed, the mere difficulty of getting through the afternoon advised this project. He could not employ himself, and knew that his imagination, once inflamed, would leave him not a moment’s rest. Yes, he would walk to Lavender Hill, and ramble about that region until Monica had had reasonable time for talk with her sister.
One thing he could do to regain his sanity. He would walk over to Lavender Hill and meet his wife on her way home. In fact, just the challenge of getting through the afternoon made this idea seem appealing. He couldn't keep himself busy and knew that if he let his imagination run wild, he wouldn't find a moment's peace. Yes, he would walk to Lavender Hill and wander around that area until Monica had a decent amount of time to chat with her sister.
About three o’clock there fell a heavy shower of rain. Strangely against his habits, Widdowson turned into a quiet public-house, and sat for a quarter of an hour at the bar, drinking a glass of whisky. During the past week he had taken considerably more wine than usual at meals; he seemed to need the support. Whilst sipping at his glass of spirits, he oddly enough fell into talk with the barmaid, a young woman of some charms, and what appeared to be unaffected modesty. Not for twenty years had Widdowson conversed with a member of this sisterhood. Their dialogue was made up of the most trifling of trivialities—weather, a railway accident, the desirability of holidays at this season. And when at length he rose and put an end to the chat it was with appreciable reluctance.
About three o’clock, a heavy rain shower started. Strangely, unlike his usual behavior, Widdowson stepped into a quiet pub and sat at the bar for about fifteen minutes, drinking a glass of whiskey. Over the past week, he had consumed significantly more wine than usual with his meals; he seemed to need the support. While sipping his drink, he surprisingly began chatting with the barmaid, a young woman with some charm and what seemed like genuine modesty. It had been twenty years since Widdowson last talked to someone from this group. Their conversation was filled with the most insignificant topics—weather, a railway accident, and whether this was a good time for a holiday. When he finally got up to end the conversation, it was clear he was a bit reluctant to leave.
“A good, nice sort of girl,” he went away saying to himself. “Pity she should be serving at a bar—hearing doubtful talk, and seeing very often vile sights. A nice, soft-spoken little girl.”
“A good, nice kind of girl,” he walked away thinking. “It’s a shame she has to work at a bar—listening to questionable conversations and often witnessing terrible things. A sweet, soft-spoken little girl.”
And he mused upon her remembered face with a complacency which soothed his feelings.
And he thought about her face with a satisfaction that calmed his emotions.
Of a sudden he was checked by the conversion of his sentiment into thought. Would he not have been a much happier man if he had married a girl distinctly his inferior in mind and station? Provided she were sweet, lovable, docile—such a wife would have spared him all the misery he had known with Monica. From the first he had understood that Monica was no representative shop-girl, and on that very account he had striven so eagerly to win her. But it was a mistake. He had loved her, still loved her, with all the emotion of which he was capable. How many hours’ genuine happiness of soul had that love afforded him? The minutest fraction of the twelve months for which she had been his wife. And of suffering, often amounting to frantic misery, he could count many weeks. Could such a marriage as this be judged a marriage at all, in any true sense of the word?
Suddenly, he was stopped by the shift of his feelings into thoughts. Wouldn’t he have been much happier if he had married a girl clearly beneath him in intellect and social status? As long as she was sweet, lovable, and easygoing—such a wife would have saved him from all the pain he endured with Monica. From the beginning, he had realized that Monica was not your average shop-girl, and that’s precisely why he had pursued her so fiercely. But it was a mistake. He had loved her, still loved her, with all the emotion he could muster. How many genuine hours of happiness had that love given him? A tiny fraction of the twelve months she had been his wife. And the suffering, often reaching desperate misery, could be counted in many weeks. Could a marriage like this truly be considered a marriage in any real sense of the word?
“Let me ask myself a question. If Monica were absolutely free to choose between continuing to live with me and resuming her perfect liberty, can I persuade myself that she would remain my wife? She would not. Not for a day, not for an hour. Of that I am morally convinced. And I acknowledge the grounds of her dissatisfaction. We are unsuited to each other. We do not understand each other. Our marriage is physical and nothing more. My love—what is my love? I do not love her mind, her intellectual part. If I did, this frightful jealousy from which I suffer would be impossible. My ideal of the wife perfectly suited to me is far liker that girl at the public-house bar than Monica. Monica’s independence of thought is a perpetual irritation to me. I don’t know what her thoughts really are, what her intellectual life signifies. And yet I hold her to me with the sternest grasp. If she endeavoured to release herself I should feel capable of killing her. Is not this a strange, a brutal thing?”
“Let me ask myself a question. If Monica were completely free to choose between staying with me and going back to her perfect freedom, can I convince myself that she would choose to stay my wife? She wouldn't. Not for a day, not for an hour. I'm morally convinced of that. And I recognize why she's unhappy. We're not right for each other. We don’t understand each other. Our marriage is physical and nothing more. My love—what even is my love? I don't love her mind or her intellect. If I did, the terrible jealousy I feel would be impossible. The ideal wife for me resembles that girl at the bar much more than Monica does. Monica's independent thinking constantly irritates me. I have no idea what her thoughts really are or what her intellectual life means. And yet I hold onto her with the tightest grip. If she tried to free herself, I think I’d be capable of hurting her. Isn’t that a strange, brutal thing?”
Widdowson had never before reached this height of speculation. In the moment, by the very fact, of admitting that Monica and he ought not to be living together, he became more worthy of his wife’s companionship than ever hitherto.
Widdowson had never before reached this level of speculation. By admitting that he and Monica shouldn't be living together, he became more deserving of his wife's companionship than ever before.
Well, he would exercise greater forbearance. He would endeavour to win her respect by respecting the freedom she claimed. His recent suspicions of her were monstrous. If she knew them, how her soul would revolt from him! What if she took an interest in other men, perchance more her equals than he? Why, had he not just been thinking of another woman, reflecting that she, or one like her, would have made him a more suitable wife than Monica? Yet this could not reasonably be called unfaithfulness.
Well, he would show more patience. He would try to earn her respect by honoring the freedom she wanted. His recent doubts about her were ridiculous. If she found out, how much would she despise him! What if she was interested in other guys, probably more her equals than he was? After all, hadn’t he just been thinking about another woman, realizing that she, or someone like her, would have made a better wife for him than Monica? But this couldn't really be seen as being unfaithful.
They were bound together for life, and their wisdom lay in mutual toleration, the constant endeavour to understand each other aright—not in fierce restraint of each other’s mental liberty. How many marriages were anything more than mutual forbearance? Perhaps there ought not to be such a thing as enforced permanence of marriage. This was daring speculation; he could not have endured to hear it from Monica’s lips. But—perhaps, some day, marriage would be dissoluble at the will of either party to it. Perhaps the man who sought to hold a woman when she no longer loved him would be regarded with contempt and condemnation.
They were tied together for life, and their strength came from their ability to tolerate each other, always trying to really understand one another—not from harshly restricting each other’s freedom of thought. How many marriages were just about putting up with each other? Maybe there shouldn’t be such a thing as forced lifelong marriage. This was a bold thought; he couldn’t bear to hear it from Monica. But—maybe one day, marriage would be able to end whenever either partner wanted. Perhaps a man who tried to keep a woman when she no longer loved him would be looked at with disdain and judgment.
What a simple thing marriage had always seemed to him, and how far from simple he had found it! Why, it led him to musings which overset the order of the world, and flung all ideas of religion and morality into wildest confusion. It would not do to think like this. He was a man wedded to a woman very difficult to manage—there was the practical upshot of the matter. His duty was to manage her. He was responsible for her right conduct. With intentions perfectly harmless, she might run into unknown jeopardy—above all, just at this time when she was taking reluctant leave of her friends. The danger justified him in exceptional vigilance.
What a simple thing marriage had always seemed to him, and how far from simple he had found it! It made him think in ways that disrupted the natural order of the world and threw all ideas of religion and morality into total chaos. He couldn't afford to think like this. He was a man married to a woman who was very difficult to handle—there was the practical reality of the situation. His responsibility was to manage her. He was accountable for her proper behavior. Even with the best of intentions, she could find herself in serious trouble—especially now when she was reluctantly saying goodbye to her friends. The risk justified his heightened vigilance.
So, from his excursion into the realms of reason did he return to the safe sphere of the commonplace. And now he might venture to press on towards Mrs. Conisbee’s house, for it was half-past four, and already Monica must have been talking with her sister for a couple of hours.
So, after his journey into the world of reason, he returned to the familiar comfort of the ordinary. Now he could head toward Mrs. Conisbee’s house, since it was half-past four, and Monica must have been chatting with her sister for a couple of hours already.
His knock at the door was answered by the landlady herself. She told of Mrs. Widdowson’s arrival and departure. Ah, then Monica had no doubt gone straight home again. But, as Miss Madden had returned, he would speak with her.
His knock on the door was answered by the landlady herself. She mentioned that Mrs. Widdowson had arrived and left. Ah, then Monica must have gone straight home again. But since Miss Madden was back, he would talk to her.
“The poor lady isn’t very well, sir,” said Mrs. Conisbee, fingering the hem of her apron.
“The poor lady isn’t doing very well, sir,” said Mrs. Conisbee, fiddling with the hem of her apron.
“Not very well? But couldn’t I see her for a moment?”
“Not doing so great? But can’t I see her for a moment?”
Virginia answered this question by appearing on the staircase.
Virginia responded to this question by showing up on the staircase.
“Some one for me, Mrs. Conisbee?” she called from above. “Oh, is it you, Edmund? So very glad! I’m sure Mrs. Conisbee will have the kindness to let you come into her sitting-room. What a pity I was away when Monica called! I’ve had—business to see to in town; and I’ve walked and walked, until I’m really—hardly able—”
“Is someone looking for me, Mrs. Conisbee?” she called from upstairs. “Oh, is it you, Edmund? I'm so glad! I'm sure Mrs. Conisbee will let you come into her sitting room. What a shame I missed Monica's visit! I've had some business to take care of in town; I’ve been walking around so much that I’m really—barely able—”
She sank upon a chair in the room, and looked fixedly at the visitor with a broad, benevolent smile, her head moving up and down. Widdowson was for a moment in perplexity. If the evidence of his eyes could be trusted, Miss Madden’s indisposition pointed to a cause so strange that it seemed incredible. He turned to look for Mrs. Conisbee, but the landlady had hurriedly withdrawn, closing the door behind her.
She sat down in a chair in the room and stared at the visitor with a broad, warm smile, nodding her head. Widdowson was momentarily confused. If he could trust what he saw, Miss Madden’s condition suggested a reason so bizarre that it seemed unbelievable. He turned to look for Mrs. Conisbee, but the landlady had quickly left, closing the door behind her.
“It is so foolish of me, Edmund,” Virginia rambled on, addressing him with a familiarity she had never yet used. “When I am away from home I forget all about my meals—really forget—and then all at once I find that I am quite exhausted—quite exhausted—as you see. And the worst of it is I have altogether lost my appetite by the time I get back. I couldn’t eat a mouthful of food—not a mouthful—I assure you I couldn’t. And it does so distress good Mrs. Conisbee. She is exceedingly kind to me—exceedingly careful about my health. Oh, and in Battersea Park Road I saw such a shocking sight; a great cart ran over a poor little dog, and it was killed on the spot. It unnerved me dreadfully. I do think, Edmund, those drivers ought to be more careful. I was saying to Mrs. Conisbee only the other day—and that reminds me, I do so want to know all about your visit to Clevedon. Dear, dear Clevedon! And have you really taken a house there, Edmund? Oh, if we could all end our days at Clevedon! You know that our dear father and mother are buried in the old churchyard. You remember Tennyson’s lines about the old church at Clevedon? Oh, and what did Monica decide about—about—really, what was I going to ask? It is so foolish of me to forget that dinner-time has come and gone. I get so exhausted, and even my memory fails me.”
“It’s so silly of me, Edmund,” Virginia went on, speaking to him in a way she never had before. “When I’m away from home, I totally forget about my meals—really forget—and then suddenly I realize I’m completely worn out—as you can see. And the worst part is I’ve completely lost my appetite by the time I get back. I couldn’t eat a single bite of food—not even a bite—I promise you I couldn’t. And it really worries good Mrs. Conisbee. She’s incredibly kind to me—so concerned about my health. Oh, and on Battersea Park Road, I saw such a terrible sight; a big cart ran over a poor little dog, and it was killed instantly. It shook me up a lot. I really think, Edmund, those drivers should be more careful. I was just telling Mrs. Conisbee the other day—and that reminds me, I really want to hear all about your trip to Clevedon. Dear, sweet Clevedon! Have you really rented a house there, Edmund? Oh, if only we could all spend our last days in Clevedon! You know our dear parents are buried in the old churchyard. Do you remember Tennyson’s lines about the old church at Clevedon? Oh, and what did Monica decide about—about—what was I going to ask? It’s so silly of me to forget that dinner-time has come and gone. I get so worn out, and even my memory fails me.”
He could doubt no longer. This poor woman had yielded to one of the temptations that beset a life of idleness and solitude. His pity was mingled with disgust.
He could no longer doubt it. This unfortunate woman had given in to one of the temptations that come with a life of idleness and loneliness. His pity was mixed with disgust.
“I only wished to tell you,” he said gravely, “that we have taken a house at Clevedon—”
“I just wanted to let you know,” he said seriously, “that we’ve rented a house in Clevedon—”
“You really have!” She clasped her hands together. “Whereabouts?”
“You really have!” She put her hands together. “Where at?”
“Near Dial Hill.”
"By Dial Hill."
Virginia began a rhapsody which her brother-in-law had no inclination to hear. He rose abruptly.
Virginia started a monologue that her brother-in-law had no desire to listen to. He stood up suddenly.
“Perhaps you had better come and see us to-morrow.”
“Maybe you should come and see us tomorrow.”
“But Monica left a message that she wouldn’t be at home for the next few days, and that I wasn’t to come till I heard from her.”
“But Monica left a message saying she wouldn’t be home for the next few days, and that I shouldn’t come until I heard from her.”
“Not at home—? I think there’s a mistake.”
“Not at home? I think there’s been a mix-up.”
“Oh, impossible! We’ll ask Mrs. Conisbee.”
“Oh, no way! We’ll ask Mrs. Conisbee.”
She went to the door and called. From the landlady Widdowson learnt exactly what Monica had said. He reflected for a moment.
She went to the door and called. From the landlady, Widdowson found out exactly what Monica had said. He thought for a moment.
“She shall write to you then. Don’t come just yet. I mustn’t stay any longer now.”
“She will write to you then. Don’t come just yet. I can’t stay any longer now.”
And with a mere pretence of shaking hands he abruptly left the house.
And with just a fake handshake, he quickly left the house.
Suspicions thickened about him. He would have thought it utterly impossible for Miss Madden to disgrace herself in this vulgar way, and the appalling discovery affected his view of Monica. They were sisters; they had characteristics in common, family traits, weaknesses. If the elder woman could fall into this degradation, might there not be possibilities in Monica’s character such as he had refused to contemplate? Was there not terrible reason for mistrusting her? What did she mean by her message to Virginia?
Suspicions grew stronger about him. He would have thought it completely impossible for Miss Madden to embarrass herself in such a crude way, and the shocking discovery changed how he viewed Monica. They were sisters; they shared similar traits, family characteristics, and weaknesses. If the older woman could sink to this level, could there be aspects of Monica’s character that he had refused to consider? Was there a good reason to mistrust her? What did she mean by her message to Virginia?
Black and haggard, he went home as fast as a hansom could take him. It was half-past five when he reached the house. His wife was not here, and had not been here.
Black and worn out, he hurried home as quickly as the cab could take him. It was 5:30 when he arrived at the house. His wife wasn't there and hadn't been there.
At this moment Monica was starting by train from Bayswater, after her parting with Bevis. Arrived at Victoria, she crossed to the main station, and went to the ladies’ waiting-room for the purpose of bathing her face. She had red, swollen eyes, and her hair was in slight disorder. This done, she inquired as to the next train for Herne Hill. One had just gone; another would leave in about a quarter of an hour.
At this moment, Monica was taking a train from Bayswater after saying goodbye to Bevis. Once she arrived at Victoria, she crossed to the main station and went to the ladies' waiting room to wash her face. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her hair was a bit messy. After that, she asked when the next train to Herne Hill was. One had just left, and another would be leaving in about fifteen minutes.
A dreadful indecision was harassing her. Ought she, did she dare, to return home at all? Even if her strength sufficed for simulating a natural manner, could she consent to play so base a part?
A terrible indecision was tormenting her. Should she, could she dare, to go back home at all? Even if she had enough strength to act normal, could she agree to play such a lowly role?
There was but one possible alternative. She might go to Virginia’s lodgings, and there remain, writing to her husband that she had left him. The true cause need not be confessed. She would merely declare that life with him had become intolerable to her, that she demanded a release. Their approaching removal to Clevedon offered the occasion. She would say that her endurance failed before that prospect of solitude, and that, feeling as she did, it was dishonourable to make longer pretence of doing her duty as a wife. Then, if Bevis wrote to her in such a way as to revive her love, if he seriously told her to come to him, all difficulties could be solved by her disappearance.
There was only one possible option. She could go to Virginia’s place and stay there, writing to her husband that she had left him. She wouldn't need to admit the real reason. She would simply state that life with him had become unbearable, and that she wanted a separation. Their upcoming move to Clevedon provided the perfect opportunity. She would say that she couldn’t bear the thought of that loneliness, and that, feeling the way she did, it was unfair to pretend any longer that she was fulfilling her duties as a wife. Then, if Bevis reached out to her in a way that rekindled her feelings, if he sincerely asked her to come back, all her problems could be resolved by her just disappearing.
Was such revival of disheartened love a likely or a possible thing? At this moment she felt that to flee in secret, and live with Bevis as he proposed, would be no less dishonour than abiding with the man who had a legal claim upon her companionship. Her lover, as she had thought of him for the past two or three months, was only a figment of her imagination; Bevis had proved himself a complete stranger to her mind; she must reshape her knowledge of him. His face was all that she could still dwell upon with the old desire; nay, even that had suffered a change.
Was such a revival of lost love likely or even possible? At this moment, she realized that running away secretly to live with Bevis, as he suggested, would be just as dishonorable as staying with the man who had a legal claim on her companionship. The lover she had thought about for the past two or three months was just a figment of her imagination; Bevis had turned out to be a total stranger to her. She needed to reset her understanding of him. His face was all she could still think of with the old longing; however, even that had changed.
Insensibly the minutes went by. Whilst she sat in the waiting-room her train started; and when she had become aware of that, her irresolution grew more tormenting.
Slowly, the minutes slipped away. While she sat in the waiting room, her train left; and as she realized that, her uncertainty became even more agonizing.
Suddenly there came upon her a feeling of illness, of nausea. Perspiration broke out on her forehead; her eyes dazzled; she had to let her head fall back. It passed, but in a minute or two the fit again seized her, and with a moan she lost consciousness.
Suddenly, she was hit with a wave of sickness, of nausea. Sweat started to bead on her forehead; her vision blurred; she had to lean her head back. It subsided, but in a minute or two, the episode struck her again, and with a groan, she fainted.
Two or three women who were in the room rendered assistance. The remarks they exchanged, though expressing uncertainty and discreetly ambiguous, would have been significant to Monica. On her recovery, which took place in a few moments, she at once started up, and with hurried thanks to those about her, listening to nothing that was said and answering no inquiry, went out on to the platform. There was just time to catch the train now departing for Herne Hill.
Two or three women in the room helped out. The comments they made, while uncertain and subtly vague, would have meant a lot to Monica. As soon as she recovered, which happened in just a few moments, she jumped up and quickly thanked everyone around her, ignoring what was said and not answering any questions, then headed out to the platform. There was just enough time to catch the train that was leaving for Herne Hill.
She explained her fainting fit by the hours of agitation through which she had passed. There was no room for surprise. She had suffered indescribably, and still suffered. Her wish was to get back into the quietness of home, to rest and to lose herself in sleep.
She explained her fainting spell by the hours of stress she had gone through. There was no room for surprise. She had experienced unimaginable pain, and was still hurting. Her desire was to return to the calm of home, to rest and drift off into sleep.
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
On entering, she saw nothing of her husband. His hat hung on the hall-tree, and he was perhaps sitting in the library; the more genial temper would account for his not coming forth at once to meet her, as had been his custom when she returned from an absence alone.
On entering, she saw nothing of her husband. His hat was on the hall tree, and he was probably in the library; his more easygoing nature would explain why he didn’t come out to greet her immediately, as he usually did when she returned home alone.
She changed her dress, and disguised as far as was possible the traces of suffering on her features. Weakness and tremor urged her to lie down, but she could not venture to do this until she had spoken to her husband. Supporting herself by the banisters, she slowly descended, and opened the library door. Widdowson was reading a newspaper. He did not look round, but said carelessly,—
She changed her dress and did her best to hide the signs of her suffering on her face. Weakness and shaking made her want to lie down, but she couldn't bring herself to do that until she had talked to her husband. Carefully holding onto the banister, she slowly went downstairs and opened the library door. Widdowson was reading a newspaper. He didn't turn around but said casually,—
“So you are back?”
"Are you back?"
“Yes. I hope you didn’t expect me sooner.”
“Yeah. I hope you weren’t waiting for me to show up earlier.”
“Oh, it’s all right.” He threw a rapid glance at her over his shoulder. “Had a long talk with Virginia, I suppose?”
“Oh, it’s fine.” He shot her a quick look over his shoulder. “Had a long chat with Virginia, I guess?”
“Yes. I couldn’t get away before.”
"Yeah. I couldn't leave sooner."
Widdowson seemed to be much interested in some paragraph. He put his face closer to the paper, and was silent for two or three seconds. Then he again looked round, this time observing his wife steadily, but with a face that gave no intimation of unusual thoughts.
Widdowson appeared to be very interested in a particular paragraph. He leaned in closer to the paper and was quiet for two or three seconds. Then he looked around again, this time gazing steadily at his wife, but his expression showed no sign of any unusual thoughts.
“Does she consent to go?”
“Is she okay with going?”
Monica replied that it was still uncertain; she thought, however, that Virginia’s objections would be overcome.
Monica responded that it was still unclear; she believed, however, that Virginia’s objections would be resolved.
“You look very tired,” remarked the other.
“You look really tired,” said the other.
“I am, very.”
“I totally am.”
And thereupon she withdrew, unable to command her countenance, scarce able to remain standing for another moment.
And with that, she stepped back, unable to control her expression, barely able to stay on her feet for another moment.
CHAPTER XXIV
TRACKED
When Widdowson went up to the bedroom that night, Monica was already asleep. He discovered this on turning up the gas. The light fell upon her face, and he was drawn to the bedside to look at her. The features signified nothing but repose; her lips were just apart, her eyelids lay softly with their black fringe of exquisite pencilling, and her hair was arranged as she always prepared it for the pillow. He watched her for full five minutes, and detected not the slightest movement, so profound was her sleep. Then he turned away, muttering savagely under his breath, “Hypocrite! Liar!”
When Widdowson went up to the bedroom that night, Monica was already asleep. He realized this when he turned on the gas. The light illuminated her face, and he felt compelled to approach the bedside to look at her. Her features showed nothing but peace; her lips were slightly parted, her eyelids rested gently with their black fringe of fine makeup, and her hair was styled just like she always did for bed. He watched her for a full five minutes and noticed not the slightest movement, so deep was her sleep. Then he turned away, muttering angrily under his breath, “Hypocrite! Liar!”
But for a purpose in his thoughts he would not have lain down beside her. On getting into bed he kept as far away as possible, and all through the wakeful night his limbs shrank from the touch of hers.
But he wouldn’t have laid down next to her if he hadn’t had a reason on his mind. When he got into bed, he kept as far away as he could, and all through the restless night, he recoiled from her touch.
He rose an hour earlier than usual. Monica had long been awake, but she moved so seldom that he could not be sure of this; her face was turned from him. When he came back to the room after his bath, Monica propped herself on her elbow and asked why he was moving so early.
He got up an hour earlier than usual. Monica had already been awake for a while, but she hardly moved, so he couldn't be sure; her back was to him. When he returned to the room after his shower, Monica leaned on her elbow and asked why he was up so early.
“I want to be in the City at nine,” he replied, with a show of cheerfulness. “There’s a money affair I must see after.”
“I want to be in the City at nine,” he replied, trying to sound cheerful. “There’s a financial matter I need to take care of.”
“Something that’s going wrong?”
“Is something going wrong?”
“I’m afraid so. I must lose no time in looking to it. What plans have you for to-day?”
“I’m afraid so. I have to get on it right away. What are your plans for today?”
“None whatever.”
"None at all."
“It’s Saturday, you know. I promised to see Newdick this afternoon. Perhaps I may bring him to dinner.”
“It’s Saturday, you know. I promised to meet Newdick this afternoon. Maybe I'll bring him for dinner.”
About twelve o’clock he returned from his business. At two he went away again, saying that he should not be back before seven, it might be a little later. In Monica these movements excited no special remark; they were merely a continuance of his restlessness. But no sooner had he departed, after luncheon, than she went to her dressing-room, and began to make slow, uncertain preparations for leaving home herself.
About twelve o'clock, he came back from work. At two, he left again, saying he wouldn't be back until seven, maybe even a bit later. Monica didn’t think much of his comings and goings; they were just part of his restlessness. But as soon as he left after lunch, she went to her dressing room and started making slow, unsure preparations to leave home herself.
This morning she had tried to write a letter for Bevis, but vainly. She knew not what to say to him, uncertain of her own desires and of what lay before her. Yet, if she were to communicate with him henceforth at all, it was necessary, this very afternoon, to find an address where letters could be received for her, and to let him know of it. To-morrow, Sunday, was useless for the purpose, and on Monday it might be impossible for her to go out alone. Besides that, she could not be sure of the safety of a letter delivered at the flat on Monday night or Tuesday morning.
This morning she had tried to write a letter to Bevis, but it didn’t go well. She didn’t know what to say to him, unsure of her own feelings and what lay ahead. Still, if she wanted to communicate with him at all from now on, she needed to figure out an address where she could receive letters this afternoon and let him know. Tomorrow, Sunday, wouldn’t work for that, and on Monday, it might not be possible for her to go out alone. Plus, she couldn’t be certain that a letter sent to the flat on Monday night or Tuesday morning would be safe.
She dressed at length and went out. Her wisest course, probably, was to seek for some obliging shopkeeper near Lavender Hill. Then she could call on Virginia, transact the business she had pretended to discharge yesterday, and there pen a note to Bevis.
She took her time getting dressed and headed out. The smartest thing to do, probably, was to find a friendly shopkeeper near Lavender Hill. That way, she could visit Virginia, take care of the business she had claimed to handle yesterday, and write a note to Bevis there.
Her moods alternated with distracting rapidity. A hundred times she had resolved that Bevis could be nothing more to her, and again had thought of him with impulses of yearning, trying to persuade herself that he had acted well and wisely. A hundred times she determined to carry out her idea of yesterday—to quit her husband and resist all his efforts to recall her—and again had all but resigned herself to live with him, accepting degradation as so many wives perforce did. Her mind was in confusion, and physically she felt far from well. A heaviness weighed upon her limbs, making it hardship to walk however short a distance.
Her moods changed quickly and distractedly. She had promised herself countless times that Bevis could be nothing more to her, yet she often found herself yearning for him, trying to convince herself that he had acted fairly and wisely. She had resolved a hundred times to go through with her plan from yesterday—to leave her husband and resist all his attempts to bring her back—but she almost always found herself resigned to living with him, accepting the degradation that many wives unfortunately faced. Her mind was a mess, and she felt far from healthy physically. A heaviness weighed down her limbs, making it difficult to walk even short distances.
Arrived at Clapham Junction, she began to search wearily, indifferently, for the kind of shop that might answer her purpose. The receiving of letters which, for one reason or another, must be dispatched to a secret address, is a very ordinary complaisance on the part of small London stationers; hundreds of such letters are sent and called for every week within the metropolitan postal area. It did not take Monica long to find an obliging shopkeeper; the first to whom she applied—a decent woman behind a counter which displayed newspapers, tobacco, and fancy articles—willingly accepted the commission.
Arriving at Clapham Junction, she started to look around tiredly and without much enthusiasm for a shop that could help her. Sending letters that, for various reasons, need to go to a secret address is a pretty common service among small London stationers; hundreds of these letters are sent and picked up every week in the metropolitan area. It didn’t take Monica long to find a helpful shopkeeper; the first one she approached—a nice woman behind a counter filled with newspapers, tobacco, and various items—was more than happy to take on the task.
She came out of the shop with flushed cheeks. Another step in shameful descent—yet it had the result of strengthening once more her emotions favourable to Bevis. On his account she had braved this ignominy, and it drew her towards him, instead of producing the effect which would have seemed more natural. Perhaps the reason was that she felt herself more hopelessly an outcast from the world of honourable women, and therefore longed in her desolation for the support of a man’s love. Did he not love her? It was her fault if she expected him to act with a boldness that did not lie in his nature. Perhaps his discretion, which she had so bitterly condemned as weakness, meant a wise regard for her interests as well as his own. The public scandal of divorce was a hideous thing. If it damaged his prospects and sundered him from his relatives, how could she hope that his love of her, the cause of it all, would long endure?
She walked out of the shop with flushed cheeks. Another step down a shameful path—but it only made her feelings for Bevis stronger. She had faced this humiliation for him, and it drew her closer to him, rather than pushing her away as one would expect. Maybe it was because she felt even more like an outcast from the world of respectable women, and in her loneliness, she craved the support of a man’s love. Did he not love her? It was her fault for expecting him to act with a courage that wasn't in his nature. Perhaps his caution, which she had harshly labeled as weakness, was actually a wise consideration for her interests as well as his own. The public shame of divorce was a terrible thing. If it hurt his future and separated him from his family, how could she believe that his love for her, which caused it all, would last?
The need of love overcame her. She would submit to any conditions rather than lose this lover whose kisses were upon her lips, and whose arms had held her so passionately. She was too young to accept a life of resignation, too ardent. Why had she left him in despondency, in doubt whether he would ever again see her?
The need for love overwhelmed her. She would agree to anything instead of losing this lover whose kisses were on her lips and whose arms had held her so passionately. She was too young to accept a life of resignation, too eager. Why had she left him feeling hopeless, unsure if he would ever see her again?
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
She turned back on her way to Virginia’s lodgings, re-entered the station, and journeyed townwards. It was an odd incident, by Monica unperceived, that when she was taking her ticket there stood close by her a man, seemingly a mechanic, who had also stood within hearing when she booked at Herne Hill. This same man, though he had not travelled in the compartment with her, followed her when she alighted at Bayswater. She did not once observe him.
She turned back on her way to Virginia’s place, went back into the station, and headed towards town. It was a strange incident, unnoticed by Monica, that when she was getting her ticket, there was a man nearby, looking like a mechanic, who had also been within earshot when she bought her ticket at Herne Hill. This same man, even though he hadn’t traveled in the same car with her, followed her when she got off at Bayswater. She never noticed him.
Instead of writing, she had resolved to see Bevis again—if it were possible. Perhaps he would not be at the flat; yet his wish might suggest the bare hope of her coming to-day. The risk of meeting Barfoot probably need not be considered, for he had told her that he was travelling to-day into Cumberland, and for so long a journey he would be sure to set forth in the morning. At worst she would suffer a disappointment. Indulgence of her fervid feelings had made her as eager to see Bevis as she was yesterday. Words of tenderness rushed to her lips for utterance. When she reached the building all but delirium possessed her.
Instead of writing, she had decided to see Bevis again—if it could happen. He might not be at the apartment, but his wish might offer a small hope that she'd come today. The chance of running into Barfoot probably didn’t need much thought, since he had told her he was traveling to Cumberland today, and for such a long trip, he'd definitely leave in the morning. At worst, she would face disappointment. Indulging her intense feelings had made her just as eager to see Bevis as she had been yesterday. Words of affection surged to her lips, ready to be spoken. When she reached the building, she felt almost delirious.
She had hurried up to the first landing, when a footstep behind drew her attention. It was a man in mechanic’s dress, coming up with head bent, doubtless for some task or other in one of the flats. Perhaps he was going to Bevis’s. She went forward more slowly, and on the next landing allowed the man to pass her. Yes, more likely than not he was engaged in packing her lover’s furniture. She stood still. At that moment a door closed above, and another step, lighter and quicker, that of a woman, came downstairs. As far as her ear could judge, this person might have left Bevis’s flat. A conflict of emotions excited her to panic. She was afraid either to advance or to retreat, and in equal dread of standing without purpose. She stepped up to the nearest door, and gave a summons with the knocker.
She hurried up to the first landing when a footstep behind her caught her attention. It was a man in mechanic's clothes, walking with his head down, probably heading to do some work in one of the apartments. Maybe he was going to Bevis’s. She moved forward more slowly and let the man pass her on the next landing. Yeah, he was probably busy packing her boyfriend's furniture. She stopped and, at that moment, a door closed above, and she heard another step, lighter and faster, that of a woman, coming downstairs. From what she could tell, this person might have just left Bevis’s apartment. A mix of emotions threw her into a panic. She was too afraid to move forward or back, equally terrified of just standing around aimlessly. She walked up to the nearest door and knocked.
This door was Barfoot’s. She knew that; in the first instant of fear occasioned by the workman’s approach, she had glanced at the door and reminded herself that here Mr. Barfoot dwelt, immediately beneath Bevis. But for the wild alarm due to her conscience-stricken state she could not have risked the possibility of the tenant being still at home; and yet it seemed to her that she was doing the only thing possible under the circumstances. For this woman whom she heard just above might perchance be one of Bevis’s sisters, returned to London for some purpose or other, and in that case she preferred being seen at Barfoot’s door to detection as she made for her lover’s.
This door belonged to Barfoot. She knew that; in the first moment of fear caused by the workman's approach, she glanced at the door and reminded herself that Mr. Barfoot lived here, right below Bevis. If it weren't for the intense anxiety from her guilty conscience, she wouldn't have risked the chance that the tenant was still at home; yet it felt to her like she was doing the only thing she could in the situation. The woman she heard just above might be one of Bevis’s sisters, back in London for some reason, and in that case, she would rather be seen at Barfoot’s door than caught trying to reach her lover’s place.
Uncertainty on this point lasted but a few seconds. Dreading to look at the woman, Monica yet did so, just as she passed, and beheld the face of a perfect stranger. A young and good-looking face, however. Her mind, sufficiently tumultuous, received a new impulse of disturbance. Had this woman come forth from Bevis’s fiat or from the one opposite?—for on each floor there were two dwellings.
Uncertainty about this lasted only a few seconds. Although Monica was afraid to look at the woman, she did anyway as she walked by, and saw the face of a complete stranger. It was a young and attractive face, though. Her already troubled mind felt another wave of confusion. Had this woman come from Bevis’s apartment or the one across from it?—because there were two apartments on each floor.
In the meantime no one answered her knock. Mr. Barfoot had gone; she breathed thankfully. Now she might venture to ascend to the next floor. But then sounded a knock from above. That, she felt convinced, was at Bevis’s door, and if so her conjecture about the workman was correct. She stood waiting for certainty, as if still expecting a reply to her own signal at Mr. Barfoot’s door. The mechanic looked down at her over the banisters, but of this she was unaware.
In the meantime, no one answered her knock. Mr. Barfoot had left; she felt relieved. Now she could go up to the next floor. But then she heard a knock from above. She was sure it was at Bevis’s door, and if that was the case, her guess about the worker was right. She stood there, waiting for confirmation, as if still expecting a response to her own knock at Mr. Barfoot’s door. The mechanic looked down at her over the railing, but she didn’t notice.
The knock above was repeated. Yes, this time there could be no mistake; it was on this side of the landing—that is to say, at her lover’s door. But the door did not open; thus, without going up herself, she received assurance that Bevis was not at home. He might come later. She still had an hour or two to spare. So, as if disappointed in a call at Mr. Barfoot’s, she descended the stairs and issued into the street.
The knock overhead sounded again. Yes, this time there was no doubt; it was on this side of the landing—that is to say, at her boyfriend’s door. But the door didn’t open; so without going up herself, she confirmed that Bevis was not home. He might come back later. She still had an hour or two to kill. So, as if she had been let down by a visit to Mr. Barfoot’s, she went down the stairs and stepped out into the street.
Agitation had exhausted her, and a dazzling of her eyes threatened a recurrence of yesterday’s faintness. She found a shop where refreshments were sold, and sat for half an hour over a cup of tea, trying to amuse herself with illustrated papers. The mechanic who had knocked at Bevis’s door passed once or twice along the pavement, and, as long as she remained here, kept the shop within sight.
Agitation had completely drained her, and her vision was getting blurry, which made her fear a repeat of yesterday's fainting spell. She found a cafe where they sold snacks and sat for half an hour with a cup of tea, trying to distract herself with magazines. The mechanic who had knocked on Bevis's door walked by a couple of times, and as long as she stayed there, she kept the shop in her line of sight.
At length she asked for writing materials, and penned a few lines. If on her second attempt she failed to see Bevis, she would drop this note into his letter-box. It acquainted him with the address to which he might direct letters, assured him passionately of her love, and implored him to be true to her, to send for her as soon as circumstances made it possible.
At last, she asked for some paper and wrote a few lines. If she didn’t see Bevis on her second try, she would drop this note into his mailbox. It gave him the address where he could send letters, passionately assured him of her love, and begged him to stay true to her and to reach out as soon as it was possible.
Self-torment of every kind was natural to her position. Though the relief of escaping from several distinct dangers had put her mind comparatively at ease for a short time, she had now begun to suffer a fresh uneasiness with reference to the young and handsome woman who came downstairs. The fact that no one answered the workman’s knock had seemed to her a sufficient proof that Bevis was not at home, and that the stranger must have come forth from the flat opposite his. But she recollected the incident which had so alarmingly disturbed her and her lover yesterday. Bevis did not then go to the door, and suppose—oh, it was folly! But suppose that woman had been with him; suppose he did not care to open to a visitor whose signal sounded only a minute or two after that person’s departure?
Self-torment of all kinds came naturally to her situation. Although escaping from several distinct dangers had put her mind at ease for a short while, she was now feeling a new wave of anxiety about the young and attractive woman who had come downstairs. The fact that no one answered the workman’s knock seemed to be enough proof that Bevis wasn’t home, and that the stranger must have come from the flat across from his. But she remembered the incident that had so alarmingly disturbed her and her partner the day before. Bevis hadn’t gone to the door then, and what if—oh, that was ridiculous! But what if that woman had been with him; what if he didn’t want to answer the door for a visitor whose knock came just a minute or two after she left?
Had she not anguish enough to endure without the addition of frantic jealousy? She would not give another thought to such absurd suggestions. The woman had of course come from the dwelling opposite. Yet why might she not have been in Bevis’s flat when he himself was absent? Suppose her an intimate to whom he had entrusted a latchkey. If any such connection existed, might it not help to explain Bevis’s half-heartedness?
Had she not enough pain to deal with without the added stress of frantic jealousy? She wouldn’t waste another thought on such ridiculous suggestions. The woman had, of course, come from the apartment across the way. But why couldn't she have been in Bevis's flat while he was out? What if she was a close friend to whom he had given a spare key? If there was any connection like that, could it help explain Bevis’s lack of enthusiasm?
To think thus was courting madness. Unable to sit still any longer, Monica left the shop, and strayed for some ten minutes about the neighbouring streets, drawing nearer and nearer to her goal. Finally she entered the building and went upstairs. On this occasion no one met her, and no one entered in her rear. She knocked at her lover’s door, and stood longing, praying, that it might open. But it did not. Tears started to her eyes; she uttered a moan of bitterest disappointment, and slipped the envelope she was carrying into the letter-box.
To think like this was inviting madness. Unable to sit still any longer, Monica left the shop and wandered for about ten minutes through the nearby streets, getting closer and closer to her destination. Finally, she entered the building and went upstairs. This time, no one greeted her, and no one followed behind her. She knocked on her lover's door and stood there, yearning and praying for it to open. But it didn’t. Tears filled her eyes; she let out a moan of the deepest disappointment and slipped the envelope she was carrying into the letterbox.
The mechanic had seen her go in, and he waited outside, a few yards away. Either she would soon reappear, or her not doing so would show that she had obtained admittance somewhere. In the latter case, this workman of much curiosity and leisure had only to lurk about the staircase until she came forth again. But this trial of patience was spared him. He found that he had simply to follow the lady back to Herne Hill. Acting on very suggestive instructions, it never occurred to the worthy man that the lady’s second visit was not to the same flat as in the former instance.
The mechanic had seen her go in, and he waited outside, just a few yards away. Either she would come back out soon, or if she didn’t, it would mean she had gotten into another place. In that case, this curious and laid-back worker would just hang around the staircase until she came out again. But he didn’t have to exercise that patience. He realized he just needed to follow the lady back to Herne Hill. Following some pretty obvious instructions, it didn’t even cross his mind that the lady’s second visit wasn’t to the same apartment as the first time.
Monica was home again long before dinner-time. When that hour arrived her husband had not yet come; the delay, no doubt, was somehow connected with his visit to Mr. Newdick. But this went on. At nine o’clock Monica still sat alone, hungry, yet scarce conscious of hunger owing to her miseries. Widdowson had never behaved thus. Another quarter of an hour and she heard the front door open.
Monica was home again long before dinner time. When that hour came, her husband still hadn’t returned; the delay was likely related to his visit with Mr. Newdick. But the wait continued. At nine o’clock, Monica was still sitting alone, hungry, but hardly aware of her hunger because of her distress. Widdowson had never acted like this. After another fifteen minutes, she heard the front door open.
He came to the drawing-room, where she sat waiting.
He entered the living room, where she was sitting and waiting.
“How late you are! Are you alone?”
"You're so late! Are you by yourself?"
“Yes, alone.”
"Yes, by myself."
“You haven’t had dinner?”
“Did you eat dinner?”
“No.”
“No.”
He seemed to be in rather a gloomy mood, but Monica noticed nothing that alarmed her. He was drawing nearer, his eyes on the ground.
He appeared to be in a pretty gloomy mood, but Monica didn’t notice anything that worried her. He was getting closer, his eyes on the ground.
“Have you had bad news—in the City?”
“Have you received bad news—in the City?”
“Yes, I have.”
"Yeah, I have."
Still he came nearer, and at length, when a yard or two away, raised his look to her face.
Still, he approached her and finally, when he was a couple of yards away, looked up to her face.
“Have you been out this afternoon?”
“Have you been out this afternoon?”
She was prompted to a falsehood, but durst not utter it, so keenly was he regarding her.
She felt pushed to lie, but she didn't dare to say it, so intensely was he watching her.
“Yes, I went to see Miss Barfoot.”
“Yes, I went to see Miss Barfoot.”
“Liar!”
“Lie!”
As the word burst from his lips, he sprang at her, clutched her dress at the throat, and flung her violently upon her knees. A short cry of terror escaped her; then she was stricken dumb, with eyes starting and mouth open. It was well that he held her by the garment and not by the neck, for his hand closed with murderous convulsion, and the desire of crushing out her life was for an instant all his consciousness.
As the words spilled from his mouth, he lunged at her, grabbed her dress at the throat, and forcefully threw her down to her knees. A brief scream of fear escaped her; then she was left speechless, her eyes wide and her mouth agape. It was a good thing he was gripping her dress and not her neck, because his hand clenched with a violent rage, and the urge to squeeze the life out of her consumed him for a moment.
“Liar!” again burst from him. “Day after day you have lied to me. Liar! Adultress!”
“Liar!” he shouted again. “You’ve lied to me day after day. Liar! Adulteress!”
“I am not! I am not that!”
“I’m not! I’m not like that!”
She clung upon his arms and strove to raise herself. The bloodless lips, the choked voice, meant dread of him, but the distortion of her features was hatred and the will to resist.
She clung to his arms and tried to lift herself up. Her pale lips and choked voice showed fear of him, but the twisted expression on her face was filled with hatred and a determination to fight back.
“Not that? What is your word worth? The prostitute in the street is sooner to be believed. She has the honesty to say what she is, but you—Where were you yesterday when you were not at your sister’s? Where were you this afternoon?”
“Not that? What’s your word worth? The prostitute on the street is more likely to be believed. She has the honesty to say who she is, but you—Where were you yesterday when you weren’t at your sister’s? Where were you this afternoon?”
She had nearly struggled to her feet; he thrust her down again, crushed her backwards until her head all but touched the floor.
She had almost gotten to her feet; he pushed her down again, forcing her back until her head nearly touched the floor.
“Where were you? Tell the truth, or you shall never speak again!”
“Where were you? Be honest, or you'll never talk again!”
“Oh—help! help! He will kill me!”
“Oh—help! Help! He’s going to kill me!”
Her cry rang through the room.
Her scream echoed through the room.
“Call them up—let them come and look at you and hear what you are. Soon enough every one will know. Where were you this afternoon? You were watched every step of the way from here to that place where you have made yourself a base, vile, unclean creature—.”
“Call them over—let them come and see you and find out what you really are. Soon everyone will know. Where were you this afternoon? You were watched every step of the way from here to that place where you've turned yourself into a disgusting, unclean creature—.”
“I am not that! Your spies have misled you.”
“I’m not that! Your spies have misled you.”
“Misled? Didn’t you go to that man Barfoot’s door and knock there? And because you were disappointed, didn’t you wait about, and go there a second time?”
“Misled? Didn’t you go to that guy Barfoot’s place and knock on his door? And since you were let down, didn’t you hang around and go back a second time?”
“What if I did? It doesn’t mean what you think.”
“What if I did? It doesn’t mean what you think it does.”
“What? You go time after time to the private chambers of an unmarried man—a man such as that—and it means no harm?”
“What? You keep visiting the private rooms of an unmarried man—someone like that—and it’s not a big deal?”
“I have never been there before.”
"I've never been there."
“You expect me to believe you?” Widdowson cried with savage contumely. He had just loosed his hold of her, and she was upright again before him, her eyes flashing defiance, though every muscle in her frame quivered. “When did your lies begin? Was it when you told me you had been to hear Miss Barfoot’s lecture, and never went there at all?”
“You expect me to believe you?” Widdowson shouted with fierce scorn. He had just released her, and she stood tall before him, her eyes filled with defiance, even though every muscle in her body shook. “When did your lies start? Was it when you said you went to hear Miss Barfoot’s lecture, but you never went at all?”
He aimed the charge at a venture, and her face told him that his suspicion had been grounded.
He took a shot in the dark, and her expression confirmed that his suspicion was right.
“For how many weeks, for how many months, have you been dishonouring me and yourself?”
“For how many weeks, for how many months, have you been disrespecting me and yourself?”
“I am not guilty of what you believe, but I shan’t try to defend myself. Thank Heaven, this is the end of everything between us! Charge me with what you like. I am going away from you, and I hope we may never meet again.”
“I’m not guilty of what you think, but I won’t bother defending myself. Thank goodness this is the end of everything between us! Accuse me of whatever you want. I’m leaving you, and I hope we never cross paths again.”
“Yes, you are going—no doubt of that. But not before you have answered my questions. Whether with lies or not doesn’t matter much. You shall give your own account of what you have been doing.”
“Yes, you’re going—there’s no doubt about it. But not until you’ve answered my questions. Whether you tell the truth or lie doesn’t matter much. You will give your version of what you’ve been doing.”
Both panting as if after some supreme effort of their physical force, they stood and looked at each other. Each to the other’s eyes was incredibly transformed. Monica could not have imagined such brutal ferocity in her husband’s face, and she herself had a wild recklessness in her eyes, a scorn and abhorrence in all the lines of her countenance, which made Widdowson feel as if a stranger were before him.
Both panting as if after some huge physical effort, they stood and looked at each other. Each saw an incredible transformation in the other’s eyes. Monica couldn’t have imagined such brutal fierceness in her husband’s face, and she herself had a wild recklessness in her eyes, a scorn and disgust in every line of her face, making Widdowson feel like a stranger was standing in front of him.
“I shall answer no question whatever,” Monica replied. “All I want is to leave your house, and never see you again.”
“I won’t answer any questions,” Monica said. “All I want is to leave your house and never see you again.”
He regretted what he had done. The result of the first day’s espionage being a piece of evidence so incomplete, he had hoped to command himself until more solid proof of his wife’s guilt were forthcoming. But jealousy was too strong for such prudence, and the sight of Monica as she uttered her falsehood made a mere madman of him. Predisposed to believe a story of this kind, he could not reason as he might have done if fear of Barfoot had never entered his thoughts. The whole course of dishonour seemed so clear; he traced it from Monica’s earliest meetings with Barfoot at Chelsea. Wavering between the impulse to cast off his wife with every circumstance of public shame, and the piteous desire to arrest her on her path of destruction, he rushed into a middle course, compatible with neither of these intentions. If at this stage he chose to tell Monica what had come to his knowledge, it should have been done with the sternest calm, with dignity capable of shaming her guilt. As it was, he had spoilt his chances in every direction. Perhaps Monica understood this; he had begun to esteem her a mistress in craft and intrigue.
He regretted what he had done. The evidence from the first day of spying was so weak that he had hoped he could control himself until more solid proof of his wife’s guilt came along. But jealousy overwhelmed any sense of caution, and seeing Monica lie drove him insane. Already predisposed to believe something like this, he couldn’t think clearly as he might have if he hadn’t worried about Barfoot. The whole situation of dishonor seemed obvious to him; he traced it back to Monica’s earliest meetings with Barfoot in Chelsea. Torn between the urge to publicly shame his wife and the desperate hope to stop her from self-destruction, he took a middle ground that fit neither intention. If he had decided to confront Monica with what he knew, it should have been done with the utmost calm and dignity that could shame her for what she had done. As it turned out, he ruined his chances on every front. Maybe Monica realized this; he had started to see her as a master in deception and manipulation.
“You say you were never at that man’s rooms before to-day?” he asked in a lower voice.
“You're saying you’ve never been to that guy's place before today?” he asked in a quieter voice.
“What I have said you must take the trouble to recollect. I shall answer no question.”
“What I’ve said, you need to remember. I won’t answer any questions.”
Again the impulse assailed him to wring confession from her by terror. He took a step forward, the demon in his face. Monica in that moment leapt past him, and reached the door of the room before he could stop her.
Again, the urge hit him to force her to confess through fear. He stepped forward, the demon showing on his face. In that moment, Monica dashed past him and reached the door of the room before he could stop her.
“Stay where you are!” she cried, “If your hands touch me again I shall call for help until someone comes up. I won’t endure your touch!”
“Stay where you are!” she shouted, “If your hands touch me again, I’ll scream for help until someone comes. I won’t put up with your touch!”
“Do you pretend you are innocent of any crime against me?”
“Are you pretending to be innocent of any wrongdoing towards me?”
“I am not what you called me. Explain everything as you like. I will explain nothing. I want only to be free from you.”
“I am not who you say I am. Explain everything however you want. I won’t explain anything. I just want to be free from you.”
She opened the door, rapidly crossed the landing, and went upstairs. Feeling it was useless to follow, Widdowson allowed the door to remain wide, and waited. Five minutes passed and Monica came down again, dressed for leaving the house.
She opened the door, quickly crossed the landing, and went upstairs. Feeling it was pointless to follow, Widdowson left the door wide open and waited. Five minutes went by, and Monica came down again, ready to leave the house.
“Where are you going?” he asked, stepping out of the room to intercept her.
“Where are you going?” he asked, stepping out of the room to catch her.
“It is nothing to you. I am going away.”
“It means nothing to you. I'm leaving.”
They subdued their voices, which might else have been audible to the servants below.
They lowered their voices, which could have been heard by the servants below.
“No, that you shall not!”
“No, you won’t!”
He stepped forward to block the head of the stairs, but again Monica was too quick for him. She fled down, and across the hall, and to the house-door. Only there, as she was arrested by the difficulty of drawing back the two latches, did Widdowson overtake her.
He stepped forward to block the top of the stairs, but once again Monica was too fast for him. She raced down, across the hall, and to the front door. It was only there, as she struggled with the two latches, that Widdowson caught up to her.
“Make what scandal you like, you don’t leave this house.”
“Create whatever drama you want, but you’re not leaving this house.”
His tones were violent rather than resolute. What could he do? If Monica persisted, what means had he of confining her to the house—short of carrying her by main force to an upper room and there locking her in? He knew that his courage would not sustain him through such a task as this.
His tone was more aggressive than determined. What could he do? If Monica kept it up, how could he keep her in the house—other than physically dragging her to an upstairs room and locking her in? He knew he didn't have the strength to follow through with something like that.
“For scandal I care nothing,” was her reply. “One way or another I will leave the house.”
“For scandal, I couldn't care less,” was her reply. “One way or another, I’m leaving the house.”
“Where are you going?”
“Where are you headed?”
“To my sister’s.”
"To my sister's place."
His hand on the door, Widdowson stood as if determined in opposition. But her will was stronger than his. Only by homicide can a man maintain his dignity in a situation of this kind; Widdowson could not kill his wife, and every moment that he stood there made him more ridiculous, more contemptible.
His hand on the door, Widdowson stood as if he was resolute against her. But her determination was greater than his. A man can only maintain his dignity in this kind of situation by resorting to violence; Widdowson couldn’t harm his wife, and with each passing moment he remained there, he felt more foolish, more despicable.
He turned back into the hall and reached his hat. Whilst he was doing so Monica opened the door. Heavy rain was falling, but she paid no heed to it. In a moment Widdowson hastened after her, careless, he too, of the descending floods. Her way was towards the railway station, but the driver of a cab chancing to attract her notice, she accepted the man’s offer, and bade him drive to Lavender Hill.
He turned back into the hallway and grabbed his hat. While he was doing that, Monica opened the door. It was pouring rain outside, but she didn’t care. Soon, Widdowson rushed after her, equally indifferent to the downpour. She was heading toward the train station, but when a cab driver caught her attention, she accepted his offer and told him to take her to Lavender Hill.
On the first opportunity Widdowson took like refuge from the rain, and was driven in the same direction. He alighted not far from Mrs. Conisbee’s house. That Monica had come hither he felt no doubt, but he would presently make sure of it. As it still rained he sought shelter in a public-house, where he quenched a painful thirst, and then satisfied his hunger with such primitive foods as a licensed victualler is disposed to vend. It was nearing eleven o’clock, and he had neither eaten nor drunk since luncheon.
On the first chance he got, Widdowson took cover from the rain and headed in the same direction. He got off not far from Mrs. Conisbee’s house. He had no doubt that Monica had come here, but he would confirm it soon. Since it was still raining, he found shelter in a pub, where he relieved a painful thirst and then satisfied his hunger with simple food that a pub owner usually sells. It was getting close to eleven o’clock, and he hadn’t eaten or drunk anything since lunch.
After that he walked to Mrs. Conisbee’s, and knocked at the door. The landlady came.
After that, he walked to Mrs. Conisbee’s place and knocked on the door. The landlady answered.
“Will you please to tell me,” he asked “whether Mrs. Widdowson is here?”
“Could you please tell me,” he asked, “if Mrs. Widdowson is here?”
The sly curiosity of the woman’s face informed him at once that she saw something unusual in these circumstances.
The woman's curious smile immediately told him that she noticed something strange about the situation.
“Yes, sir. Mrs. Widdowson is with her sister,”
“Yes, sir. Mrs. Widdowson is with her sister,”
“Thank you.”
"Thanks."
Without another word he departed. But went only a short distance, and until midnight kept Mrs. Conisbee’s door in view. The rain fell, the air was raw; shelterless, and often shivering with fever, Widdowson walked the pavement with a constable’s regularity. He could not but remember the many nights when he thus kept watch in Walworth Road and in Rutland Street, with jealousy, then too, burning in his heart, but also with amorous ardours, never again to be revived. A little more than twelve months ago! And he had waited, longed for marriage through half a lifetime.
Without saying anything else, he left. But he only went a short way and kept Mrs. Conisbee’s door in sight until midnight. The rain was coming down, and the air was cold; with no shelter and often shivering with fever, Widdowson paced the sidewalk like a constable. He couldn’t help but think of the many nights he had kept watch on Walworth Road and in Rutland Street, filled with jealousy, but also with romantic feelings that would never return. Just a little over a year ago! And he had waited, longing for marriage for what felt like half a lifetime.
CHAPTER XXV
THE FATE OF THE IDEAL
Rhoda’s week at the seashore was spoilt by uncertain weather. Only two days of abiding sunshine; for the rest, mere fitful gleams across a sky heaped with stormclouds. Over Wastdale hung a black canopy; from Scawfell came mutterings of thunder; and on the last night of the week—when Monica fled from her home in pelting rain—tempest broke upon the mountains and the sea. Wakeful until early morning, and at times watching the sky from her inland-looking window, Rhoda saw the rocky heights that frown upon Wastwater illuminated by lightning-flare of such intensity and duration that miles of distance were annihilated, and it seemed but a step to those stern crags and precipices.
Rhoda's week at the beach was ruined by unpredictable weather. There were only two days of steady sunshine; the rest of the time was just brief glimpses of sunlight through a sky filled with storm clouds. A dark cover loomed over Wastdale; Scawfell rumbled with thunder; and on the last night of her vacation—when Monica ran from her house into pouring rain—a storm unleashed itself on the mountains and the sea. Unable to sleep until early morning, and occasionally glancing at the sky from her window facing inland, Rhoda saw the rocky peaks overlooking Wastwater lit up by lightning that was so bright and lasted so long that it erased the miles of distance, making those harsh cliffs and steep rock faces seem just a short step away.
Sunday began with rain, but also with promise of better things; far over the sea was a broad expanse of blue, and before long the foam of the fallen tide glistened in strong, hopeful rays. Rhoda wandered about the shore towards St. Bees Head. A broad stream flowing into the sea stopped her progress before she had gone very far; the only way of crossing it was to go up on to the line of railway, which here runs along the edge of the sands. But she had little inclination to walk farther. No house, no person within sight, she sat down to gaze at the gulls fishing by the little river-mouth, their screams the only sound that blended with that of the subdued breakers.
Sunday started with rain, but also with the promise of better things; far over the sea was a wide stretch of blue, and soon the foam from the receding tide sparkled in bright, hopeful rays. Rhoda strolled along the shore towards St. Bees Head. A broad stream flowing into the sea blocked her way before she had gone very far; the only way to cross it was to go up to the railway line, which runs along the edge of the sands here. But she didn’t feel like walking any further. Without any houses or people in sight, she sat down to watch the gulls fishing by the little river mouth, their cries the only sound mixing with the muted waves.
On the horizon lay a long, low shape that might have been mistaken for cloud, though it resembled land. It was the Isle of Man. In an hour or two the outline had grown much clearer; the heights and hollows were no longer doubtful. In the north became visible another remote and hilly tract; it was the coast of Scotland beyond Solway Firth.
On the horizon was a long, low shape that could easily be mistaken for a cloud, although it looked like land. It was the Isle of Man. Within an hour or two, the outline became much clearer; the hills and valleys were now obvious. To the north, another distant and hilly area appeared; it was the coast of Scotland beyond Solway Firth.
These distant objects acted as incentives to Rhoda’s imagination. She heard Everard Barfoot’s voice as he talked of travel—of the Orient Express. That joy of freedom he had offered her. Perhaps he was now very near her, anxious to repeat his offer. If he carried out the project suggested at their last interview, she would see him to-day or to-morrow morning—then she must make her choice. To have a day’s walk with him among the mountains would be practically deciding. But for what? If she rejected his proposal of a free union, was he prepared to marry her in legal form? Yes; she had enough power over him for that. But how would it affect his thought of her? Constraining him to legal marriage, would she not lower herself in his estimation, and make the endurance of his love less probable? Barfoot was not a man to accept with genuine satisfaction even the appearance of bondage, and more likely than not his love of her depended upon the belief that in her he had found a woman capable of regarding life from his own point of view—a woman who, when she once loved, would be scornful of the formalities clung to by feeble minds. He would yield to her if she demanded forms, but afterwards—when passion had subsided—.
These faraway places sparked Rhoda’s imagination. She could hear Everard Barfoot's voice as he spoke about travel—about the Orient Express. That sense of freedom he had offered her. Maybe he was close by now, eager to extend his offer again. If he went ahead with the plan they discussed at their last meeting, she would see him today or tomorrow morning—then she would have to make her choice. Spending a day walking with him in the mountains would practically be making a decision. But for what? If she turned down his idea of a free union, would he be willing to marry her legally? Yes; she had enough influence over him for that. But how would that change how he viewed her? By forcing him into a legal marriage, would she not lower her standing in his eyes and make his love less likely to endure? Barfoot wasn’t the type to accept even the appearance of constraint with real satisfaction, and it was more likely that his love for her depended on the belief that he had found a woman who could see life from his perspective—a woman who, once in love, would dismiss the formalities that weak minds held onto. He would give in to her if she insisted on formalities, but afterwards—when the passion faded—.
A week had been none too long to ponder these considerations by themselves; but they were complicated with doubts of a more disturbing nature. Her mind could not free itself from the thought of Monica. That Mrs. Widdowson was not always truthful with her husband she had absolute proof; whether that supported her fear of an intimacy between Monica and Everard she was unable to determine. The grounds of suspicion seemed to her very grave; so grave, that during her first day or two in Cumberland she had all but renounced the hopes long secretly fostered. She knew herself well enough to understand how jealousy might wreck her life—even if it were only retrospective. If she married Barfoot (forms or none—that question in no way touched this other), she would demand of him a flawless faith. Her pride revolted against the thought of possessing only a share in his devotion; the moment that any faithlessness came to her knowledge she would leave him, perforce, inevitably—and what miseries were then before her!
A week wasn’t too long to think about these things on their own, but they were complicated by even more troubling doubts. She couldn’t stop thinking about Monica. She had undeniable proof that Mrs. Widdowson wasn’t always honest with her husband; whether that confirmed her fear of a closer relationship between Monica and Everard, she couldn’t figure out. The reasons for her suspicion felt very serious; so serious that during her first couple of days in Cumberland, she almost gave up the hopes she had secretly nurtured for so long. She knew herself well enough to realize how jealousy could ruin her life—even if it were just looking back. If she married Barfoot (formality aside—that question didn’t affect this one), she would expect nothing less than his complete fidelity. The thought of only having a partial claim on his affection made her feel prideful; the moment she found out about any disloyalty, she would have to leave him, without question, and what kind of suffering lay ahead for her then!
Was flawless faith possible to Everard Barfoot? His cousin would ridicule the hope of any such thing—or so Rhoda believed. A conventional woman would of course see the completest evidence of his untrustworthiness in his dislike of legal marriage; but Rhoda knew the idleness of this argument. If love did not hold him, assuredly the forms of marriage could be no restraint upon Everard; married ten times over, he would still deem himself absolutely free from any obligation save that of love. Yet how did he think of that obligation? He might hold it perfectly compatible with the indulgence of casual impulse. And this (which she suspected to be the view of every man) Rhoda had no power of tolerating. It must be all or nothing, whole faith or none whatever.
Was flawless faith possible for Everard Barfoot? His cousin would mock the idea of such a thing—or so Rhoda believed. A conventional woman would certainly see his aversion to legal marriage as clear proof of his untrustworthiness; but Rhoda recognized the emptiness of that argument. If love didn't bind him, the rules of marriage wouldn't hold Everard back either; even if he were married ten times, he would still see himself as completely free from any obligation except for love. But how did he view that obligation? He might see it as totally compatible with giving in to random impulses. And this (which she suspected was the mindset of every man) was something Rhoda couldn't accept. It had to be all or nothing, complete faith or none at all.
* * *
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In the afternoon she suffered from impatient expectancy. If Barfoot came to-day—she imagined him somewhere in the neighbourhood, approaching Seascale as the time of his appointment drew near—would he call at her lodgings? The address she had not given him, but doubtless he had obtained it from his cousin. Perhaps he would prefer to meet her unexpectedly—not a difficult thing in this little place, with its handful of residents and visitors. Certain it was she desired his arrival. Her heart leapt with joy in the thought that this very evening might bring him. She wished to study him under new conditions, and—possibly—to talk with him even more frankly than ever yet, for there would be opportunity enough.
In the afternoon, she felt a restless anticipation. If Barfoot came today—she pictured him somewhere nearby, approaching Seascale as their meeting time drew closer—would he stop by her place? She hadn't given him her address, but he must have gotten it from his cousin. Maybe he’d prefer to run into her unexpectedly—not hard to do in this small town, with its few residents and visitors. One thing was for sure: she wanted him to come. Her heart raced at the thought that this very evening could bring him. She wanted to see him in a different light and—possibly—speak with him even more openly than before, since there would be plenty of time for that.
About six o’clock a train coming from the south stopped at the station, which was visible from Rhoda’s sitting-room window. She had been waiting for this moment. She could not go to the station, and did not venture even to wait anywhere in sight of the exit. Whether any passenger had alighted must remain uncertain. If Everard had arrived by this train, doubtless he would go to the hotel, which stood only a few yards from the line. He would take a meal and presently come forth.
About six o'clock, a train coming from the south pulled into the station, which she could see from Rhoda's living room window. She had been waiting for this moment. She couldn't go to the station and didn't want to wait anywhere near the exit. Whether any passengers got off remained unclear. If Everard had come in on this train, he would likely go to the hotel, which was just a few yards from the tracks. He would grab a meal and then come out shortly.
Having allowed half an hour to elapse, she dressed and walked shoreward. Seascale has no street, no shops; only two or three short rows of houses irregularly placed on the rising ground above the beach. To cross the intervening railway, Rhoda could either pass through the little station, in which case she would also pass the hotel and be observable from its chief windows, or descend by a longer road which led under a bridge, and in this way avoid the hotel altogether. She took the former route. On the sands were a few scattered people, and some children subdued to Sunday decorum. The tide was rising. She went down to the nearest tract of hard sand, and stood there for a long time, a soft western breeze playing upon her face.
After half an hour had passed, she got dressed and walked toward the shore. Seascale doesn’t have any streets or shops; just a couple of short rows of houses randomly placed on the hillside above the beach. To get across the railway, Rhoda could either go through the small station, which would also take her past the hotel where people could see her from the main windows, or she could take a longer route that went under a bridge to completely avoid the hotel. She chose the first option. On the beach, there were a few scattered people and some children behaving themselves for Sunday. The tide was coming in. She stepped onto the nearest patch of firm sand and stood there for a long time, a gentle western breeze brushing against her face.
If Barfoot were here he would now be coming out to look for her. From a distance he might not recognize her figure, clad as she was in a costume such as he had never seen her wearing. She might venture now to walk up towards the dry, white sandheaps, where the little convolvulus grew in abundance, and other flowers of which she neither knew nor cared to learn the names. Scarcely had she turned when she saw Everard approaching, still far off, but unmistakable. He signalled by taking off his hat, and quickly was beside her.
If Barfoot were here, he would be coming out to look for her now. From a distance, he might not recognize her figure, since she was wearing a costume he had never seen her in before. She might now take a walk toward the dry, white sand piles, where the little morning glories grew in abundance, along with other flowers whose names she didn't know and had no interest in learning. No sooner had she turned around than she spotted Everard approaching, still far away but definitely recognizable. He waved by taking off his hat, and soon he was right beside her.
“Did you know me before I happened to look round?” she asked laughingly.
“Did you know me before I turned around?” she asked with a laugh.
“Of course I did. Up there by the station I caught sight of you. Who else bears herself as you do—with splendid disdain of common mortals?”
“Of course I did. Up by the station, I saw you. Who else carries herself like you do—with such impressive disdain for ordinary people?”
“Please don’t make me think that my movements are ridiculous.”
“Please don’t make me feel like my actions are silly.”
“They are superb. The sea has already touched your cheeks. But I am afraid you have had abominable weather.”
“They are fantastic. The sea has already brushed against your cheeks. But I’m afraid you’ve had terrible weather.”
“Yes, rather bad; but there’s hope to-day. Where do you come from?”
“Yes, it's pretty bad; but there's hope today. Where are you coming from?”
“By train, only from Carnforth. I left London yesterday morning, and stopped at Morecambe—some people I know are there. As trains were awkward to-day, I drove from Morecambe to Carnforth. Did you expect me?”
“By train, only from Carnforth. I left London yesterday morning and stopped at Morecambe—some friends of mine are there. Since the trains were a hassle today, I drove from Morecambe to Carnforth. Did you expect me?”
“I thought you might come, as you spoke of it.”
"I thought you would come since you mentioned it."
“How I have got through the week I couldn’t tell you. I should have been here days ago, but I was afraid. Let us go nearer to the sea. I was afraid of making you angry.”
“How I got through the week, I couldn’t say. I should have been here days ago, but I was scared. Let’s go closer to the sea. I was worried about making you mad.”
“It’s better to keep one’s word.”
“It’s better to keep your word.”
“Of course it is. And I am all the more delighted to be with you for the miserable week of waiting. Have you bathed?”
“Of course it is. And I’m even more happy to be with you during this tough week of waiting. Have you taken a shower?”
“Once or twice.”
"Once or twice."
“I had a swim this morning before breakfast, in pouring rain. Now you can’t swim.”
“I had a swim this morning before breakfast, in pouring rain. Now you can’t swim.”
“No. I can’t. But why were you sure about it?”
“No. I can’t. But what made you so sure?”
“Only because it’s so rare for any girl to learn swimming. A man who can’t swim is only half the man he might be, and to a woman I should think it must be of even more benefit. As in everything else, women are trammelled by their clothes; to be able to get rid of them, and to move about with free and brave exertion of all the body, must tend to every kind of health, physical, mental, and mortal.”
“It's just so uncommon for any girl to learn to swim. A man who can't swim is only half the man he could be, and I think it must be even more advantageous for a woman. Like in everything else, women are held back by their clothing; being able to take it off and move freely with confidence and full use of their bodies must be great for all kinds of health—physical, mental, and emotional.”
“Yes, I quite believe that,” said Rhoda, gazing at the sea.
“Yes, I really believe that,” said Rhoda, looking out at the sea.
“I spoke rather exultantly, didn’t I? I like to feel myself superior to you in some things. You have so often pointed out to me what a paltry, ineffectual creature I am.”
“I spoke pretty proudly, didn’t I? I like to feel like I’m better than you in some ways. You’ve often pointed out to me how small and useless I am.”
“I don’t remember ever using those words, or implying them.”
“I don’t remember ever using those words or suggesting that.”
“How does the day stand with you?” asked Everard in the tone of perfect comradeship. “Have you still to dine?”
“How's the day treating you?” asked Everard in a tone of true friendship. “Do you still have to eat?”
“My dining is a very simple matter; it happens at one o’clock. About nine I shall have supper.”
“My meals are pretty straightforward; I eat at one o’clock. Around nine, I’ll have dinner.”
“Let us walk a little then. And may I smoke?”
“Let’s take a short walk then. Can I smoke?”
“Why not?”
"Why not?"
Everard lit a cigar, and, as the tide drove them back, they moved eventually to the higher ground, whence there was a fine view of the mountains, rich in evening colours.
Everard lit a cigar, and as the tide pushed them back, they eventually moved to higher ground, where there was a great view of the mountains, rich in evening colors.
“To-morrow you leave here?”
“Are you leaving here tomorrow?”
“Yes,” Rhoda answered. “I shall go by railway to Coniston, and walk from there towards Helvellyn, as you suggested.”
“Yeah,” Rhoda replied. “I’ll take the train to Coniston and walk from there toward Helvellyn, like you suggested.”
“I have something else to propose. A man I talked to in the train told me of a fine walk in this neighbourhood. From Ravenglass, just below here, there’s a little line runs up Eskdale to a terminus at the foot of Scawfell, a place called Boot. From Boot one can walk either over the top of Scawfell or by a lower track to Wastdale Head. It’s very grand, wild country, especially the last part, the going down to Wastwater, and not many miles in all. Suppose we have that walk to-morrow? From Wastdale we could drive back to Seascale in the evening, and then the next day—just as you like.”
“I have another idea. A guy I chatted with on the train mentioned a great walk around here. From Ravenglass, just down the road, there's a little train that goes up Eskdale to a stop at the bottom of Scawfell, called Boot. From Boot, you can either hike up Scawfell or take a lower path to Wastdale Head. It's really stunning, wild scenery, especially the last stretch down to Wastwater, and it's not too many miles overall. How about we do that walk tomorrow? From Wastdale, we could drive back to Seascale in the evening, and then the next day—whatever you prefer.”
“Are you quite sure about the distances?”
“Are you really sure about the distances?”
“Quite. I have the Ordnance map in my pocket. Let me show you.”
“Sure. I have the Ordnance map in my pocket. Let me show you.”
He spread the map on the top of a wall, and they stood side by side inspecting it.
He laid the map on top of a wall, and they stood next to each other examining it.
“We must take something to eat; I’ll provide for that. And at the Wastdale Head hotel we can have dinner—about three or four, probably. It would be enjoyable, wouldn’t it?”
“We should grab something to eat; I’ll handle that. And at the Wastdale Head hotel, we can have dinner—around three or four, probably. It should be fun, right?”
“If it doesn’t rain.”
"If it doesn't rain."
“We’ll hope it won’t. As we go back we can look out the trains at the station. No doubt there’s one soon after breakfast.”
“We hope it won’t. As we head back, we can watch the trains at the station. There’s probably one shortly after breakfast.”
Their rambling, with talk in a strain of easy friendliness, brought them back to Seascale half an hour after sunset, which was of a kind that seemed to promise well for the morrow.
Their easy, friendly chatter brought them back to Seascale half an hour after sunset, which looked like it would bode well for the next day.
“Won’t you come out again after supper?” Barfoot asked.
“Will you come out again after dinner?” Barfoot asked.
“Not again to-night.”
"Not again tonight."
“For a quarter of an hour,” he urged. “Just down to the sea and back.”
“For fifteen minutes,” he insisted. “Just to the beach and back.”
“I have been walking all day. I shall be glad to rest and read.”
“I've been walking all day. I'll be glad to rest and read.”
“Very well. To-morrow morning.”
“Sure. Tomorrow morning.”
Having discovered the train which would take them to Ravenglass, and connect with one on the Eskdale line, they agreed to meet at the station. Barfoot was to bring with him such refreshment as would be necessary.
Having found the train that would take them to Ravenglass, connecting with one on the Eskdale line, they agreed to meet at the station. Barfoot was to bring any necessary refreshments.
Their hopes for the weather had complete fulfilment. The only fear was lest the sun’s heat might be oppressive, but this anxiety could be cheerfully borne. Slung over his shoulders Barfoot had a small forage-bag, which gave him matter for talk on the railway journey; it had been his companion in many parts of the world, and had held strange kinds of food.
Their hopes for the weather were fully realized. The only worry was that the sun’s heat might be too much, but that concern could be happily dealt with. Slung over his shoulders, Barfoot had a small bag for gathering supplies, which gave him something to talk about on the train ride; it had been his companion in many places around the world and had held all kinds of unusual food.
The journey up Eskdale, from Ravenglass to Boot, is by a miniature railway, with the oddest little engine and a carriage or two of primitive simplicity. At each station on the upward winding track—stations represented only by a wooden shed like a tool-house—the guard jumps down and acts as booking-clerk, if passengers there be desirous of booking. In a few miles the scenery changes from beauty to grandeur, and at the terminus no further steaming would be possible, for the great flank of Scawfell bars the way.
The trip up Eskdale, from Ravenglass to Boot, is on a small railway with the quirkiest little engine and a couple of really basic carriages. At each stop along the winding track—each stop just a wooden shed like a tool shed—the guard hops down and takes on the role of the ticket clerk, if any passengers want to buy tickets. After a few miles, the scenery shifts from beautiful to majestic, and at the end of the line, no more trains can go because the massive side of Scawfell blocks the path.
Everard and his companion began their climb through the pretty straggling village of Boot. A mountain torrent roared by the wayside, and the course they had marked upon the map showed that they must follow this stream for some miles up to the tarn where it originated. Houses, human beings, and even trodden paths they soon left behind, coming out on to a vast moorland, with hill summits near and far. Scawfell they could not hope to ascend; with the walk that lay before them it was enough to make a way over one of his huge shoulders.
Everard and his friend started their hike through the charming, scattered village of Boot. A mountain stream rushed alongside the path, and the route they had plotted on the map indicated that they needed to follow this stream for several miles until they reached the small lake where it began. They quickly left behind houses, people, and even worn paths, emerging onto a vast moorland with hilltops nearby and in the distance. Climbing Scafell was out of the question; with the journey ahead of them, it would be enough to navigate over one of its massive shoulders.
“If your strength fails,” said Everard merrily, when for an hour they had been plodding through grey solitudes, “there is no human help. I should have to choose between carrying you back to Boot or on to Wastdale.”
“If your strength gives out,” Everard said playfully, after they had been trudging through the gray emptiness for an hour, “there’s no one to help. I’d have to decide whether to carry you back to Boot or continue on to Wastdale.”
“My strength is not likely to fail sooner than yours,” was the laughing reply.
“My strength probably won't give out before yours does,” was the laughing reply.
“I have chicken sandwiches, and wine that maketh glad the heart of man. Tell me when hunger overcomes you. I should think we had better make our halt at Burmoor Tarn.”
“I have chicken sandwiches and wine that cheers the heart. Let me know when you’re hungry. I think we should stop at Burmoor Tarn.”
That, indeed, proved to be the convenient resting-place. A wild spot, a hollow amid the rolling expanse of moorland, its little lake of black water glistening under the midday sun. And here stood a shepherd’s cottage, the only habitation they had seen since leaving Boot. Somewhat uncertain about the course to be henceforth followed, they made inquiry at this cottage, and a woman who appeared to be quite alone gave them the needful direction. Thus at ease in mind they crossed the bridge at the foot of the tarn, and just beyond it found a spot suitable for repose. Everard brought forth his sandwiches and his flask of wine, moreover a wine-glass, which was for Rhoda’s use. They ate and drank festively.
That turned out to be the perfect place to rest. It was a wild spot, a hollow in the rolling moorland, with a small lake of dark water shining under the midday sun. A shepherd’s cottage was there, the only building they had seen since leaving Boot. Unsure about which way to go next, they asked at the cottage, and a woman who seemed to be alone gave them the directions they needed. With their minds set at ease, they crossed the bridge at the edge of the tarn and just ahead found a nice spot to relax. Everard pulled out his sandwiches and his flask of wine, along with a wine glass for Rhoda. They ate and drank happily.
“Now this is just what I have enjoyed in imagination for a year or more,” said Barfoot, when the luncheon was over, and he lay propped upon his elbow, gazing at Rhoda’s fine eyes and her sun-warmed cheeks. “An ideal realized, for once in one’s life. A perfect moment.”
“Now this is exactly what I’ve imagined for a year or more,” said Barfoot, after lunch, propping himself on his elbow and gazing at Rhoda’s beautiful eyes and her sun-kissed cheeks. “An ideal brought to life, if only once. A perfect moment.”
“Don’t you like the scent of burning peat from that cottage?”
“Don’t you love the smell of burning peat from that cottage?”
“Yes. I like everything about us, in heaven and earth, and most of all I like your companionship, Rhoda.”
“Yes. I love everything about us, both in heaven and on earth, and most of all, I cherish your company, Rhoda.”
She could not resent this first use of her Christian name; it was so natural, so inevitable; yet she moved her head as if with a slight annoyance.
She couldn't be upset about this first time using her first name; it felt so natural, so expected; still, she tilted her head as if she was a bit annoyed.
“Is mine as agreeable to you?” he added, stroking the back of her hand with a spray of heather. “Or do you just tolerate me out of good-nature?”
“Is what I have just as pleasant for you?” he said, brushing the back of her hand with a sprig of heather. “Or do you just put up with me because you're nice?”
“I have liked your companionship all the way from Seascale. Don’t disturb my enjoyment of it for the rest of the way.”
“I’ve enjoyed your company all the way from Seascale. Don’t ruin it for the rest of the trip.”
“That would be a misfortune indeed. The whole day shall be perfect. Not a note of discord. But I must have liberty to say what comes into my mind, and when you don’t choose to answer I shall respect your silence.”
“That would be a real shame. The whole day will be perfect. Not a hint of conflict. But I need the freedom to say what’s on my mind, and if you choose not to respond, I will respect your silence.”
“Wouldn’t you like to smoke a cigar before we start again?”
“Wouldn’t you like to have a cigar before we get going again?”
“Yes. But I like still better not to. The scent of peat is pleasanter to you than that of tobacco.”
“Yes. But I prefer not to. The smell of peat is more pleasant to you than that of tobacco.”
“Oblige me by lighting the cigar.”
“Please light the cigar for me.”
“If you command—” He did her bidding. “The whole day shall be perfect. A delightful dinner at the inn, a drive to Seascale, an hour or two of rest, and then one more quiet talk by the sea at nightfall.”
“If you wish—” He followed her request. “The whole day will be wonderful. A lovely dinner at the inn, a drive to Seascale, a couple of hours to relax, and then one last quiet chat by the sea at sunset.”
“All but the last. I shall be too tired.”
"All except the last one. I'll be too tired."
“No. I must have that hour of talk by the sea. You are free to answer me or not, but your presence you must grant me. We are in an ideal world remember. We care nothing for all the sons and daughters of men. You and I will spend this one day together between cloudless heaven and silent earth—a memory for lifetime. At nightfall you will come out again, and meet me down by the sea, where you stood when I first saw you yesterday.”
“No. I need that hour of conversation by the sea. You can choose to answer me or not, but you have to be there. Remember, we’re in an ideal world. We don’t care about anyone else. You and I will spend this one day together under a clear sky and quiet earth—a memory for life. At sunset, you’ll come out again and meet me down by the sea, where you were when I first saw you yesterday.”
Rhoda made no reply. She looked away from him at the black, deep water.
Rhoda didn’t answer. She turned her gaze away from him and looked at the dark, deep water.
“What an opportunity,” he went on, raising his hand to point at the cottage, “for saying the silliest of conceivable things!”
“What an opportunity,” he said, raising his hand to point at the cottage, “to say the silliest things imaginable!”
“What might that be, I wonder?”
“What could that be, I wonder?”
“Why, that to dwell there together for the rest of our lives would be supreme felicity. You know the kind of man that would say that.”
“Why, living there together for the rest of our lives would be pure happiness. You know the type of guy who would say that.”
“Not personally, thank goodness!”
“Not personally, thank goodness!”
“A week—a month, even—with weather such as this. Nay, with a storm for variety; clouds from the top of Scawfell falling thick about us; a fierce wind shrieking across the tarn; sheets and torrents and floods of rain beating upon our roof; and you and I by the peat-fire. With a good supply of books, old and new, I can picture it for three months, for half a year!”
“A week—a month, even—with weather like this. No, a storm for variety; clouds from the top of Scawfell thick around us; a fierce wind howling across the lake; sheets and torrents and floods of rain pounding on our roof; and you and I by the peat-fire. With a good stash of books, old and new, I can envision it for three months, for half a year!”
“Be on your guard. Remember “that kind of man”.”
“Be careful. Remember “that kind of guy”.”
“I am in no danger. There is a vast difference between six months and all one’s life. When the half-year was over we would leave England.”
“I’m not in any danger. There’s a huge difference between six months and a whole lifetime. Once the half-year is up, we’ll be leaving England.”
“By the Orient Express?”
"On the Orient Express?"
They laughed together, Rhoda colouring, for the words that had escaped her meant too much for mere jest.
They laughed together, Rhoda blushing, because the words that had slipped out of her meant far more than just a joke.
“By the Orient Express. We would have a house by the Bosphorus for the next half-year, and contrast our emotions with those we had known by Burmoor Tarn. Think what a rich year of life that would make! How much we should have learnt from nature and from each other!”
“By the Orient Express. We would have a house by the Bosphorus for the next six months and compare our feelings with those we had experienced by Burmoor Tarn. Just think how much we would grow in that rich year of life! How much we would learn from nature and from one another!”
“And how dreadfully tired of each other we should be!”
“And how incredibly tired of each other we would be!”
Barfoot looked keenly at her. He could not with certainty read her countenance.
Barfoot looked intently at her. He couldn't clearly read her expression.
“You mean that?” he asked.
"You mean that?" he asked.
“You know it is true.”
"You know it's true."
“Hush! The day is to be perfect. I won’t admit that we could ever tire of each other with reasonable variety of circumstance. You to me are infinitely interesting, and I believe that I might become so to you.”
“Hush! The day is going to be perfect. I won’t admit that we could ever get tired of each other with a reasonable amount of variety. You are infinitely interesting to me, and I believe I might become just as interesting to you.”
He did not allow himself to vary from this tone of fanciful speculation, suited to the idle hour. Rhoda said very little; her remarks were generally a purposed interruption of Everard’s theme. When the cigar was smoked out they rose and set forward again. This latter half of their walk proved the most interesting, for they were expectant of the view down upon Wastdale. A bold summit came in sight, dark, desolate, which they judged to be Great Gabel; and when they had pressed on eagerly for another mile, the valley opened beneath them with such striking suddenness that they stopped on the instant and glanced at each other in silence. From a noble height they looked down upon Wastwater, sternest and blackest of the lakes, on the fields and copses of the valley head with its winding stream, and the rugged gorges which lie beyond in mountain shadow.
He didn’t let himself stray from this tone of imaginative thinking, perfect for a lazy moment. Rhoda said very little; her comments were usually a deliberate interruption of Everard’s topic. Once the cigar was finished, they got up and continued on their way. This second half of their walk turned out to be the most interesting, as they were anticipating the view over Wastdale. A dramatic peak came into view, dark and barren, which they figured was Great Gabel; and when they eagerly pushed on for another mile, the valley suddenly opened up beneath them, making them stop instantly and exchange glances in silence. From a high vantage point, they looked down at Wastwater, the sternest and darkest of the lakes, at the fields and small woods at the head of the valley with its winding stream, and at the rugged gorges that lay beyond, shrouded in mountain shadow.
The descent was by a path which in winter becomes the bed of a torrent, steep and stony, zigzagging through a thick wood. Here, and when they had reached the level road leading into the village, their talk was in the same natural, light-hearted strain as before they rested. So at the inn where they dined, and during their drive homewards—by the dark lake with its woods and precipices, out into the country of green hills, and thence through Gosforth on the long road descending seaward. Since their early departure scarcely a cloud had passed over the sun—a perfect day.
The descent was along a path that in winter turns into a rushing stream, steep and rocky, winding through a dense forest. Here, when they reached the flat road heading into the village, their conversation was just as easy and cheerful as it had been before they took a break. The same vibe continued at the inn where they had dinner and during their drive home—past the dark lake with its woods and cliffs, out into the countryside of rolling green hills, and then through Gosforth on the long road heading toward the sea. Since they left early, hardly a cloud had crossed the sun—a perfect day.
They alighted before reaching Seascale. Barfoot discharged his debt to the driver—who went on to bait at the hotel—and walked with Rhoda for the last quarter of a mile. This was his own idea; Rhoda made no remark, but approved his discretion.
They got off before reaching Seascale. Barfoot paid the driver—who then headed to the hotel—and walked with Rhoda for the last quarter of a mile. This was his own decision; Rhoda said nothing but appreciated his thoughtfulness.
“It is six o’clock,” said Everard, after a short silence. “You remember your arrangement. At eight, down on the shore.”
“It’s six o’clock,” said Everard, after a brief silence. “You remember your plan. At eight, down on the shore.”
“I should be much more comfortable in the armchair with a book.”
“I would feel a lot more comfortable in the armchair with a book.”
“Oh, you have had enough of books. It’s time to live.”
“Oh, you’re done with books. It’s time to live.”
“It’s time to rest.”
"Time to relax."
“Are you so very tired? Poor girl! The day has been rather too much for you.”
“Are you really that tired? Poor thing! Today has been quite a lot for you.”
Rhoda laughed.
Rhoda giggled.
“I could walk back again to Wastwater if it were necessary.”
“I could walk back to Wastwater again if I needed to.”
“Of course; I knew that. You are magnificent. At eight o’clock then—”
“Of course; I knew that. You’re amazing. At eight o’clock then—”
Nothing more was said on the subject. When in sight of Rhoda’s lodgings they parted without hand-shaking.
Nothing more was said about it. When they reached Rhoda’s place, they parted ways without shaking hands.
Before eight Everard was straying about the beach, watching the sun go down in splendour. He smiled to himself frequently. The hour had come for his last trial of Rhoda, and he felt some confidence as to the result. If her mettle endured his test, if she declared herself willing not only to abandon her avowed ideal of life, but to defy the world’s opinion by becoming his wife without forms of mutual bondage—she was the woman he had imagined, and by her side he would go cheerfully on his way as a married man. Legally married; the proposal of free union was to be a test only. Loving her as he had never thought to love, there still remained with him so much of the temper in which he first wooed her that he could be satisfied with nothing short of unconditional surrender. Delighting in her independence of mind, he still desired to see her in complete subjugation to him, to inspire her with unreflecting passion. Tame consent to matrimony was an everyday experience. Agnes Brissenden, he felt sure, would marry him whenever he chose to ask her—and would make one of the best wives conceivable. But of Rhoda Nunn he expected and demanded more than this. She must rise far above the level of ordinary intelligent women. She must manifest an absolute confidence in him—that was the true significance of his present motives. The censures and suspicions which she had not scrupled to confess in plain words must linger in no corner of her mind.
Before eight, Everard was wandering along the beach, watching the sun set in all its glory. He smiled to himself often. The moment had arrived for his final test of Rhoda, and he felt somewhat confident about the outcome. If she managed to handle his challenge, if she showed she was willing not just to give up her stated ideal of life but also to defy society’s views by becoming his wife without traditional commitments—she would be the woman he had envisioned, and he would happily continue his journey as her husband. Legally married; the idea of a free union was just a test. Loving her in a way he had never anticipated, he still held onto much of the mindset he had when he first pursued her, so he couldn't settle for anything less than complete surrender. Enjoying her independence, he still wanted to see her utterly devoted to him, to spark in her a deep, unthinking passion. A hesitant agreement to marriage was something he could find anywhere. He was sure Agnes Brissenden would marry him whenever he decided to propose—and she would make an excellent wife. But from Rhoda Nunn, he expected and demanded much more. She had to rise far above the ordinary level of intelligent women. She needed to show complete faith in him—that was the true meaning behind his current motives. The criticisms and doubts she had openly admitted couldn’t linger in any part of her mind.
His heart throbbed with impatience for her coming. Come she would; it was not in Rhoda’s nature to play tricks; if she had not meant to meet him she would have said so resolutely, as last night.
His heart pounded with impatience for her arrival. She would come; it wasn't in Rhoda's nature to play games; if she hadn't intended to meet him, she would have said so firmly, like she did last night.
At a few minutes past the hour he looked landward, and saw her figure against the golden sky. She came down from the sandbank very slowly, with careless, loitering steps. He moved but a little way to meet her, and then stood still. He had done his part; it was now hers to forego female privileges, to obey the constraint of love. The western afterglow touched her features, heightening the beauty Everard had learnt to see in them. Still she loitered, stooping to pick up a piece of seaweed; but still he kept his place, motionless, and she came nearer.
At a few minutes past the hour, he looked toward the land and saw her silhouette against the golden sky. She slowly made her way down from the sandbank, taking her time with careless steps. He moved just a little to meet her, then stopped. He had done his part; now it was up to her to set aside her feminine privileges and give in to the pull of love. The western glow highlighted her features, enhancing the beauty Everard had come to appreciate in them. She continued to linger, bending down to pick up a piece of seaweed, but he remained still, and she approached closer.
“Did you see the light of sunset on the mountains?”
“Did you see the sunset on the mountains?”
“Yes,” he replied.
“Yes,” he said.
“There has been no such evening since I came.”
“There hasn’t been a night like this since I arrived.”
“And you wanted to sit at home with a book. That was no close for a perfect day.”
“And you wanted to stay home with a book. That was no way to enjoy a perfect day.”
“I found a letter from your cousin. She was with her friends the Goodalls yesterday.”
“I found a letter from your cousin. She was with her friends the Goodalls yesterday.”
“The Goodalls—I used to know them.”
“The Goodalls—I used to know them.”
“Yes.”
"Yeah."
The word was uttered with significance. Everard understood the allusion, but did not care to show that he did.
The word was said with importance. Everard got the reference, but he didn't want to let on that he did.
“How does Mary get on without you?”
“How is Mary managing without you?”
“There’s no difficulty.”
"No problem."
“Has she any one capable of taking your place?”
“Does she have anyone who can take your place?”
“Yes. Miss Vesper can do all that’s necessary.”
“Yes. Miss Vesper can handle everything that’s needed.”
“Even to inspiring the girls with zeal for an independent life?”
“Even to inspiring the girls with enthusiasm for an independent life?”
“Perhaps even that.”
"Maybe even that."
They went along by the waves, in the warm-coloured twilight, until the houses of Seascale were hidden. Then Everard stopped.
They walked along the waves in the warm twilight until the houses of Seascale disappeared from view. Then Everard stopped.
“To-morrow we go to Coniston?” he said, smiling as he stood before her.
“Are we going to Coniston tomorrow?” he asked, smiling as he stood in front of her.
“You are going?”
“Are you going?”
“Do you think I can leave you?”
“Do you really think I can just walk away from you?”
Rhoda’s eyes fell. She held the long strip of seaweed with both hands and tightened it.
Rhoda looked down. She held the long piece of seaweed with both hands and pulled it tighter.
“Do you wish me to leave you?” he added.
“Do you want me to leave you?” he added.
“You mean that we are to go through the lakes together—as we have been to-day?”
“You mean that we are going to go through the lakes together—like we did today?”
“No. I don’t mean that.”
"No, I don’t mean that."
Rhoda took a few steps onward, so that he remained standing behind. Another moment and his arms had folded about her, his lips were on hers. She did not resist. His embrace grew stronger, and he pressed kiss after kiss upon her mouth. With exquisite delight he saw the deep crimson flush that transfigured her countenance; saw her look for one instant into his eyes, and was conscious of the triumphant gleam she met there.
Rhoda took a few steps forward, leaving him standing behind. In a moment, he had wrapped his arms around her, kissing her lips. She didn’t push him away. His embrace tightened, and he planted kiss after kiss on her mouth. With immense joy, he noticed the deep red blush that transformed her face; he saw her glance into his eyes for a brief moment and felt the victorious sparkle she found there.
“Do you remember my saying in the letter how I hungered to taste your lips? I don’t know how I have refrained so long—”
“Do you remember when I mentioned in my letter how much I craved to kiss you? I don’t know how I've held back for so long—”
“What is your love worth?” asked Rhoda, speaking with a great effort. She had dropped the seaweed, and one of her hands rested upon his shoulder, with a slight repelling pressure.
“What is your love worth?” asked Rhoda, speaking with great effort. She had dropped the seaweed, and one of her hands rested on his shoulder with a slight pushing pressure.
“Worth your whole life!” he answered, with a low, glad laugh.
“Worth your whole life!” he replied, with a soft, happy laugh.
“That is what I doubt. Convince me of that.”
“That’s what I’m unsure about. Prove it to me.”
“Convince you? With more kisses? But what is your love worth?”
“Convince you? With more kisses? But what is your love worth?”
“Perhaps more than you yet understand. Perhaps more than you can understand.”
“Maybe more than you realize right now. Maybe more than you can understand.”
“I will believe that, Rhoda. I know, at all events, that it is something of inestimable price. The knowledge has grown in me for a year and more.”
“I believe that, Rhoda. I know, at the very least, that it’s something incredibly valuable. This realization has developed in me over the past year and more.”
“Let me stand away from you again. There is something more to be said before—No, let me be quite apart from you.”
“Let me step away from you again. There’s still something left to say before—No, let me be completely separate from you.”
He released her after one more kiss.
He let her go after one last kiss.
“Will you answer me a question with perfect truthfulness?”
“Will you answer me a question with total honesty?”
Her voice was not quite steady, but she succeeded in looking at him with unflinching eyes.
Her voice wasn't completely steady, but she managed to stare at him with unwavering eyes.
“Yes. I will answer you any question.”
“Yes. I will answer any question.”
“That is spoken like a man. Tell me then—is there at this moment any woman living who has a claim upon you—a moral claim?”
“Sounds like something a guy would say. So tell me—right now, is there any woman out there who has a claim on you—a moral claim?”
“No such woman exists.”
"No such woman exists."
“But—do we speak the same language?”
“But—do we speak the same language?”
“Surely,” he answered with great earnestness. “There is no woman to whom I am bound by any kind of obligation.”
“Of course,” he replied sincerely. “There isn’t any woman to whom I owe any kind of obligation.”
A long wave rolled up, broke, and retreated, whilst Rhoda stood in silent uncertainty.
A long wave rolled in, crashed, and pulled back, while Rhoda stood there in quiet uncertainty.
“I must put the question in another way. During the past month—the past three months—have you made profession of love—have you even pretended love—to any woman?”
“I need to rephrase the question. Over the last month—the last three months—have you declared your love—have you even faked love—for any woman?”
“To no woman whatever,” he answered firmly.
“To no woman at all,” he replied firmly.
“That satisfies me.”
“I'm satisfied with that.”
“If I knew what is in your mind!” exclaimed Everard, laughing. “What sort of life have you imagined for me? Is this the result of Mary’s talk?”
“If I knew what you were thinking!” Everard exclaimed with a laugh. “What kind of life do you think I’ve imagined for myself? Is this because of what Mary said?”
“Not immediately.”
“Not right now.”
“Still, she planted the suspicion. Believe me, you have been altogether mistaken. I never was the kind of man Mary thought me. Some day you shall understand more about it—in the meantime my word must be enough. I have no thought of love for any woman but you. Did I frighten you with those joking confessions in my letters? I wrote them purposely—as you must have seen. The mean, paltry jealousies of women such as one meets every day are so hateful to me. They argue such a lack of brains. If I were so unfortunate as to love a woman who looked sour when I praised a beautiful face, I would snap the bond between us like a bit of thread. But you are not one of those poor creatures.”
“Still, she planted the seed of doubt. Trust me, you’ve completely misunderstood. I’m not at all the kind of man Mary thought I was. One day you’ll understand more about it—until then, my word has to be enough. I have no feelings for any woman except you. Did I scare you with those joking confessions in my letters? I wrote them intentionally—as you must have noticed. The petty, miserable jealousy of women you encounter every day is so distasteful to me. It shows such a lack of intelligence. If I were unfortunate enough to love a woman who sulked when I complimented a beautiful face, I would break our bond like a thin thread. But you’re not one of those unfortunate souls.”
He looked at her with some gravity.
He looked at her earnestly.
“Should you think me a poor creature if I resented any kind of unfaithfulness?—whether love, in any noble sense, had part in it or not?”
“Do you think I’m a pathetic person if I feel upset about any kind of unfaithfulness?—whether love, in any genuine sense, was involved or not?”
“No. That is the reasonable understanding between man and wife. If I exact fidelity from you, and certainly I should, I must consider myself under the same obligation.”
“No. That is the fair expectation between husband and wife. If I expect loyalty from you, and I definitely should, I must hold myself to the same standard.”
“You say “man and wife.” Do you say it with the ordinary meaning?”
“You say ‘man and wife.’ Do you mean it in the usual way?”
“Not as it applies to us. You know what I mean when I ask you to be my wife. If we cannot trust each other without legal bonds, any union between us would be unjustified.”
“Not when it comes to us. You know what I mean when I ask you to be my wife. If we can’t trust each other without legal ties, any relationship between us wouldn’t be justified.”
Suppressing the agitation which he felt, he awaited her answer. They could still read each other’s faces perfectly in a pale yellow light from across the sea. Rhoda’s manifested an intense conflict.
Suppressing the nervousness he felt, he waited for her response. They could still read each other’s expressions clearly in the pale yellow light from across the sea. Rhoda's face showed a deep inner struggle.
“After all, you doubt of your love for me?” said Barfoot quietly.
“After all, do you doubt your love for me?” Barfoot said quietly.
That was not her doubt. She loved with passion, allowing herself to indulge the luxurious emotion as never yet. She longed once more to feel his arms about her. But even thus she could consider the vast issues of the step to which she was urged. The temptation to yield was very strong, for it seemed to her an easier and a nobler thing to proclaim her emancipation from social statutes than to announce before her friends the simple news that she was about to marry. That announcement would excite something more than surprise. Mary Barfoot could not but smile with gentle irony; other women would laugh among themselves; the girls would feel a shock, as at the fall of one who had made heroic pretences. A sure way of averting this ridicule was by furnishing occasion for much graver astonishment. If it became known that she had taken a step such as few women would have dared to take—deliberately setting an example of new liberty—her position in the eyes of all who knew her remained one of proud independence. Rhoda’s character was specially exposed to the temptation of such a motive. For months this argument had been in her mind, again and again she decided that the sensational step was preferable to a commonplace renunciation of all she had so vehemently preached. And now that the moment of actual choice had come she felt able to dare everything—as far as the danger concerned herself; but she perceived more strongly than hitherto that not only her own future was involved. How would such practical heresy affect Everard’s position?
That wasn't her doubt. She loved passionately, allowing herself to fully enjoy the rich emotion like never before. She longed once again to feel his arms around her. But even so, she could think about the serious consequences of the step she was being urged to take. The temptation to give in was very strong, as it seemed to her easier and nobler to declare her freedom from societal norms than to simply tell her friends that she was about to get married. That announcement would spark more than just surprise. Mary Barfoot would likely smile with gentle irony; other women would laugh among themselves; the girls would feel a shock, as if someone they considered heroic had fallen. A surefire way to avoid this ridicule was to create an even greater sense of astonishment. If it became known that she had taken a step that few women would dare to take—deliberately setting an example of new freedom—her standing in the eyes of everyone who knew her would remain one of proud independence. Rhoda’s character was particularly susceptible to the temptation of such a motive. For months, this argument had been in her mind; she had repeatedly concluded that the bold step was better than a mundane rejection of everything she had so passionately preached. And now that the moment of decision was upon her, she felt ready to risk everything—as far as her own danger was concerned; but she realized more clearly than before that her own future wasn’t the only one at stake. How would such a practical rebellion impact Everard’s position?
She uttered this thought.
She said this thought.
“Are you willing, for the sake of this idea, to abandon all society but that of the very few people who would approve or tolerate what you have done?”
“Are you willing to give up all social connections except for the few people who would support or accept what you’ve done for the sake of this idea?”
“I look upon the thing in this way. We are not called upon to declare our principles wherever we go. If we regard each other as married, why, we are married. I am no Quixote, hoping to convert the world. It is between you and me—our own sense of what is reasonable and dignified.”
“I see it like this: we don’t have to announce our principles everywhere we go. If we see each other as married, then we are married. I’m not some idealist trying to change the world. It’s just between you and me—our own understanding of what’s reasonable and dignified.”
“But you would not make it a mere deception?”
“But you wouldn’t turn it into just a trick?”
“Mary would of course be told, and any one else you like.”
“Mary would definitely be told, and anyone else you want.”
She believed him entirely serious. Another woman might have suspected that he was merely trying her courage, either to assure himself of her love or to gratify his vanity. But Rhoda’s idealism enabled her to take him literally. She herself had for years maintained an exaggerated standard of duty and merit; desirous of seeing Everard in a nobler light than hitherto, she endeavoured to regard his scruple against formal wedlock as worthy of all respect.
She completely believed he was serious. Another woman might have thought he was just testing her bravery, either to reassure himself of her love or to feed his ego. But Rhoda’s idealism allowed her to take him at his word. For years, she had held an inflated standard of duty and merit; wanting to see Everard in a better light than before, she tried to view his reluctance towards formal marriage as something worthy of respect.
“I can’t answer you at once,” she said, half turning away.
“I can’t answer you right away,” she said, half turning away.
“You must. Here and at once.”
“You have to. Right here and right now.”
The one word of assent would have satisfied him. This he obstinately required. He believed that it would confirm his love beyond any other satisfaction she could render him. He must be able to regard her as magnanimous, a woman who had proved herself worth living or dying for. And he must have the joy of subduing her to his will.
The one word of agreement would have made him happy. This was something he stubbornly insisted on. He thought it would prove his love more than anything else she could give him. He needed to see her as generous, a woman who had shown herself to be worth living or dying for. And he wanted the happiness of bending her to his will.
“No,” said Rhoda firmly. “I can’t answer you to-night. I can’t decide so suddenly.”
“No,” Rhoda said firmly. “I can’t answer you tonight. I can’t make a decision that quickly.”
This was disingenuous, and she felt humiliated by her subterfuge. Anything but a sudden decision was asked of her. Before leaving Chelsea she had foreseen this moment, and had made preparations for the possibility of never returning to Miss Barfoot’s house—knowing the nature of the proposal that would be offered to her. But the practical resolve needed a greater effort than she had imagined. Above all, she feared an ignominious failure of purpose after her word was given; that would belittle her in Everard’s eyes, and so shame her in her own that all hope of happiness in marriage must be at an end.
This was insincere, and she felt embarrassed by her deceit. Anything but a quick decision was expected of her. Before leaving Chelsea, she had anticipated this moment and had prepared for the possibility of never returning to Miss Barfoot’s house—aware of the kind of proposal that would be presented to her. But the practical determination required more effort than she had thought. Most importantly, she worried about failing to follow through after giving her word; that would diminish her in Everard’s eyes, and so humiliate her in her own that all hope for happiness in marriage would be over.
“You are still doubtful of me, Rhoda?”
“You still don't trust me, Rhoda?”
He took her hand, and again drew her close. But she refused her lips.
He took her hand and pulled her in close again. But she kept her lips to herself.
“Or are you doubtful of your own love?”
“Or are you unsure about your own love?”
“No. If I understand what love means, I love you.”
“No. If I get what love means, I love you.”
“Then give me the kiss I am waiting for. You have not kissed me yet.”
“Then give me the kiss I’m waiting for. You haven't kissed me yet.”
“I can’t—until I am sure of myself—of my readiness—”
“I can’t—until I’m sure of myself—of my readiness—”
Her broken words betrayed the passion with which she was struggling. Everard felt her tremble against his side.
Her broken words revealed the passion she was fighting against. Everard felt her shaking next to him.
“Give me your hand,” he whispered. “The left hand.”
“Give me your hand,” he whispered. “The left one.”
Before she could guess his purpose he had slipped a ring upon her finger, a marriage ring. Rhoda started away from him, and at once drew off the perilous symbol.
Before she could figure out what he was up to, he had slipped a wedding ring onto her finger. Rhoda jumped back from him and immediately took off the dangerous symbol.
“No—that proves to me I can’t! What should we gain? You see, you dare not be quite consistent. It’s only deceiving the people who don’t know us.”
“No—that shows me I can’t! What would we achieve? You see, you’re not being completely honest. It’s just misleading those who don’t know us.”
“But I have explained to you. The consistency is in ourselves, our own minds—”
“But I've explained this to you. The consistency is within ourselves, in our own minds—”
“Take it back. Custom is too strong for us. We should only play at defying it. Take it back—or I shall drop it on the sand.”
“Take it back. Tradition is too powerful for us. We should only pretend to defy it. Take it back—or I’ll drop it in the sand.”
Profoundly mortified, Everard restored the gold circlet to its hiding-place and stood gazing at the dim horizon. Some moments passed, then he heard his name murmured. He did not look round.
Profoundly embarrassed, Everard put the gold circlet back in its hiding spot and stood staring at the dim horizon. A few moments went by, then he heard his name whispered. He didn't turn around.
“Everard, dearest—”
"Everard, my dear—"
Was that Rhoda’s voice, so low, tender, caressing? It thrilled him, and with a silent laugh of scorn at his own folly, he turned to her, every thought burnt up in passion.
Was that Rhoda’s voice, so soft, gentle, and soothing? It excited him, and with a quiet laugh of disdain at his own foolishness, he turned to her, every thought consumed by desire.
“Will you kiss me?”
"Will you kiss me?"
For an answer she laid her hands on his shoulders and gazed at him. Barfoot understood. He smiled constrainedly, and said in a low voice,—
For an answer, she placed her hands on his shoulders and looked at him. Barfoot got it. He smiled slightly and said in a quiet voice,—
“You wish for that old, idle form—?”
"You want that old, lazy version—?"
“Not the religious form, which has no meaning for either of us. But—”
“Not the religious form, which means nothing to either of us. But—”
“You have been living here seven or eight days. Stay till the fifteenth, then we can get a licence from the registrar of the district. Does that please you?”
“You’ve been here for seven or eight days. Stay until the fifteenth, then we can get a license from the district registrar. Does that work for you?”
Her eyes made reply.
Her eyes responded.
“Do you love me any the less, Everard?”
“Do you love me any less, Everard?”
“Kiss me.”
"Kiss me."
She did, and consciousness was lost for them as their mouths clung together and their hearts throbbed like one.
She did, and they lost awareness as their mouths pressed together and their hearts beat as one.
“Isn’t it better?” Rhoda asked, as they walked back in the darkness. “Won’t it make our life so much simpler and happier?”
“Isn’t it better?” Rhoda asked as they walked back in the dark. “Won’t it make our lives so much simpler and happier?”
“Perhaps.”
"Maybe."
“You know it will.” She laughed joyously, trying to meet his look.
“You know it will.” She laughed happily, trying to catch his eye.
“Perhaps you are right.”
"Maybe you’re right."
“I shall let no one hear of it until—. Then let us go abroad.”
“I won’t tell anyone about it until—. Then let’s go somewhere else.”
“You dare not face Mary?”
“Are you scared to face Mary?”
“I dare, if you wish it. Of course she will laugh at me. They will all laugh at me.”
“I’ll do it if you want me to. Of course she’ll laugh at me. They’ll all laugh at me.”
“Why, you may laugh as well.”
"Feel free to laugh as well."
“But you have spoilt my life, you know. Such a grand life it might have been. Why did you come and interfere with me? And you have been so terribly obstinate.”
“But you have ruined my life, you know. It could have been such a great life. Why did you come and mess things up for me? And you've been so incredibly stubborn.”
“Of course; that’s my nature. But after all I have been weak.”
“Of course; that’s just who I am. But I have to admit, I’ve been weak.”
“Yielding in one point that didn’t matter to you at all? It was the only way of making sure that you loved me.”
“Giving in on one issue that didn’t matter to you at all? It was the only way to make sure that you loved me.”
Barfoot laughed slightingly.
Barfoot laughed dismissively.
“And what if I needed the other proof that you loved me.”
“And what if I needed the other proof that you loved me?”
CHAPTER XXVI
THE UNIDEAL TESTED
And neither was content.
And neither was satisfied.
Barfoot, over his cigar and glass of whisky at the hotel, fell into a mood of chagrin. The woman he loved would be his, and there was matter enough for ardent imagination in the indulgence of that thought; but his temper disturbed him. After all, he had not triumphed. As usual the woman had her way. She played upon his senses, and made him her obedient slave. To prolong the conflict would have availed nothing; Rhoda, doubtless, was in part actuated by the desire to conquer, and she knew her power over him. So it was a mere repetition of the old story—a marriage like any other. And how would it result?
Barfoot, sitting in the hotel with his cigar and a glass of whisky, fell into a mood of frustration. The woman he loved would be his, and there was plenty to fuel his imagination in that idea; but his mood bothered him. After all, he hadn’t really won. As always, the woman got her way. She played on his feelings and made him her willing slave. Prolonging the struggle wouldn’t have changed anything; Rhoda was likely partly motivated by a desire to win, and she knew how much power she had over him. So it was just a repeat of the same old story—a marriage like any other. And how would it turn out?
She had great qualities; but was there not much in her that he must subdue, reform, if they were really to spend their lives together? Her energy of domination perhaps excelled his. Such a woman might be unable to concede him the liberty in marriage which theoretically she granted to be just. Perhaps she would torment him with restless jealousies, suspecting on every trivial occasion an infringement of her right. From that point of view it would have been far wiser to persist in rejecting legal marriage, that her dependence upon him might be more complete. Later, if all went well, the concession could have been made—if, for instance, she became a mother. But then returned the exasperating thought that Rhoda had overcome his will. Was not that a beginning of evil augury?
She had great qualities, but wasn't there a lot about her that he needed to change if they were really going to spend their lives together? Her drive to control might even surpass his. Such a woman might struggle to give him the freedom in marriage that she theoretically said was fair. Maybe she would constantly torment him with jealousy, suspecting him of violating her rights over the smallest things. From that angle, it would have been much smarter to continue avoiding legal marriage so her dependence on him would be more complete. Later, if everything worked out, they could have made that concession—like if she became a mother. But then there was the frustrating thought that Rhoda had managed to overpower his will. Wasn't that a bad sign?
To be sure, after marriage their relations would be different. He would not then be at the mercy of his senses. But how miserable to anticipate a long, perhaps bitter, struggle for predominance. After all, that could hardly come about. The commencement of any such discord would be the signal for separation. His wealth assured his freedom. He was not like the poor devils who must perforce live with an intolerable woman because they cannot support themselves and their families in different places. Need he entertain that worst of fears—the dread that his independence might fail him, subdued by his wife’s will?
For sure, after they got married, their relationship would change. He wouldn’t be controlled by his senses anymore. But it was so unfortunate to think about a long, maybe painful, fight for who would be in charge. After all, that probably wouldn't happen. The start of any argument would mean separation. His wealth guaranteed his independence. He wasn’t like those unfortunate guys who had to stay with a difficult woman because they couldn’t take care of themselves and their families elsewhere. Did he really have to worry about that worst-case scenario—the fear that he might lose his freedom, dominated by his wife’s wishes?
Free as he boasted himself from lover’s silliness, he had magnified Rhoda’s image. She was not the glorious rebel he had pictured. Like any other woman, she mistrusted her love without the sanction of society. Well, that was something relinquished, lost. Marriage would after all be a compromise. He had not found his ideal—though in these days it assuredly existed.
Free as he claimed to be from romantic foolishness, he had built up Rhoda’s image. She wasn’t the amazing rebel he had imagined. Like any other woman, she doubted her love without society's approval. Well, that was something given up, lost. Marriage would, after all, be a compromise. He hadn’t found his ideal—though it certainly existed in these times.
* * *
Understood. Please provide the text.
And Rhoda, sitting late in the little lodging-house parlour, visited her soul with questionings no less troublesome. Everard was not satisfied with her. He had yielded, perhaps more than half contemptuously, to what he thought a feminine weakness. In going with her to the registrar’s office he would feel himself to be acting an ignoble part. Was it not a bad beginning to rule him against his conscience?
And Rhoda, sitting late in the small boarding house living room, struggled with her own troubling questions. Everard wasn’t happy with her. He had given in, maybe more out of disdain than anything else, to what he saw as a feminine weakness. Accompanying her to the registrar’s office made him feel like he was playing a dishonorable role. Wasn’t it a bad start to go against his own principles?
She had triumphed splendidly. In the world’s eye this marriage of hers was far better than any she could reasonably have hoped, and her heart approved it with rapture. At a stage in life when she had sternly reconciled herself never to know a man’s love, this love had sought her with passionate persistency of which even a beautiful young girl might feel proud. She had no beauty; she was loved for her mind, her very self. But must not Everard’s conception of her have suffered? In winning her had he obtained the woman of his desire?
She had achieved a remarkable triumph. In the eyes of the world, this marriage of hers was far better than anything she could realistically have hoped for, and her heart celebrated it with joy. At a point in her life when she had firmly accepted that she would never know a man's love, this love had pursued her with an intense determination that even a beautiful young girl might envy. She had no beauty; she was loved for her mind, for who she truly was. But didn't Everard’s view of her have to have changed? By winning her, had he truly gotten the woman he desired?
Why was she not more politic? Would it not have been possible to gratify him, and yet to gain his consent to legal marriage? By first of all complying she would have seemed to confirm all he believed of her; and then, his ardour at height, how simple to point out to him—without entreaty, without show of much concern—that by neglecting formalities they gained absolutely nothing. Artifice of that kind was perhaps demanded by the mere circumstances. Possibly he himself would have welcomed it—after the grateful sense of inspiring such complete devotion. It is the woman’s part to exercise tact; she had proved herself lamentably deficient in that quality.
Why wasn’t she more diplomatic? Couldn’t she have satisfied him and still gotten his approval for a legal marriage? By initially going along with him, she would have seemed to confirm everything he believed about her; and then, with his excitement at its peak, it would have been easy to point out to him—without pleading or showing much concern—that by skipping the formalities, they gained absolutely nothing. A strategy like that might have been necessary given the circumstances. He might even have appreciated it—after feeling so grateful for inspiring such complete devotion. It’s a woman’s role to use tact; she had shown herself to be sadly lacking in that area.
To-morrow she must study his manner. If she discerned any serious change, any grave indication of disappointment—
To-morrow she needs to observe his behavior. If she notices any significant change, any serious sign of disappointment—
What was her life to be? At first they would travel together; but before long it might be necessary to have a settled home, and what then would be her social position, her duties and pleasures? Housekeeping, mere domesticities, could never occupy her for more than the smallest possible part of each day. Having lost one purpose in life, dignified, absorbing, likely to extend its sphere as time went on, what other could she hope to substitute for it?
What was her life going to be like? At first, they would travel together; but soon, it might be necessary to have a stable home, and then what would her social status be, along with her responsibilities and joys? Housekeeping and just everyday tasks could never fill more than a tiny part of her day. After losing one important purpose in life, something meaningful and engaging that could grow over time, what else could she hope to replace it with?
Love of husband—perhaps of child. There must be more than that. Rhoda did not deceive herself as to the requirements of her nature. Practical activity in some intellectual undertaking; a share—nay, leadership—in some “movement;” contact with the revolutionary life of her time—the impulses of her heart once satisfied, these things would again claim her. But how if Everard resisted such tendencies? Was he in truth capable of respecting her individuality? Or would his strong instinct of lordship urge him to direct his wife as a dependent, to impose upon her his own view of things? She doubted whether he had much genuine sympathy with woman’s emancipation as she understood it. Yet in no particular had her convictions changed; nor would they change. She herself was no longer one of the “odd women”; fortune had—or seemed to have—been kind to her; none the less her sense of a mission remained. No longer an example of perfect female independence, and unable therefore to use the same language as before, she might illustrate woman’s claim of equality in marriage.—If her experience proved no obstacle.
Love for her husband—maybe even for her child. But there has to be more than that. Rhoda wasn't fooling herself about what she needed. She craved practical engagement in some intellectual project; she wanted a role—actually, a leadership role—in some "movement;" she longed for connection with the progressive energy of her time. Once the emotional needs of her heart were met, these aspirations would call to her again. But what if Everard opposed those desires? Did he truly have the ability to respect her individuality? Or would his strong urge to dominate push him to treat her as a dependent, imposing his own perspectives on her? She questioned whether he had much real understanding of women's liberation as she perceived it. Still, her beliefs hadn't changed in any significant way; nor would they. She wasn't one of the “odd women” anymore; luck had—or seemed to have—smiled on her; yet her sense of purpose remained. No longer a model of complete female independence, and therefore unable to speak in the same way as before, she could still demonstrate women’s demand for equality in marriage—if her experiences didn’t become a barrier.
* * *
Understood! Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
Next morning, as had been agreed, they met at some distance from Seascale, and spent two or three hours together. There was little danger in observation unless by a casual peasant; for the most part their privacy could not have been more secure in a locked chamber. Lest curiosity should be excited by his making inquiries at the hotel, Barfoot proposed to walk over to Gosforth, the nearest town, this afternoon, and learn where the registrar for the locality of Seascale might be found. By neither was allusion made to their difference of last evening, but Rhoda distressed herself by imagining a diminished fervour in her companion; he seemed unusually silent and meditative, and was content to hold her hand now and then.
The next morning, as they had agreed, they met several miles away from Seascale and spent a couple of hours together. There was little risk of being seen unless a random local happened by; for the most part, their privacy was as secure as if they were in a locked room. To avoid stirring curiosity by asking questions at the hotel, Barfoot suggested they walk over to Gosforth, the closest town, that afternoon to find out where the local registrar for Seascale could be located. Neither of them mentioned their disagreement from the previous evening, but Rhoda worried that her companion seemed less enthusiastic; he appeared unusually quiet and reflective, content to hold her hand every now and then.
“Shall you stay here all the week?” she inquired.
“Are you going to stay here all week?” she asked.
“If you wish me to.”
"If you want me to."
“You will find it wearisome.”
"You'll find it tiring."
“Impossible, with you here. But if I run up to London for a day or two it might be better. There are preparations. We shall go first of all to my rooms—”
“Not possible with you here. But if I head up to London for a day or two, it might be better. There are things to get ready. We’ll go straight to my place—”
“I would rather not have stayed in London.”
“I'd rather not have stayed in London.”
“I thought you might wish to make purchases.”
“I thought you might want to buy something.”
“Let us go to some other town, and spend a few days there before leaving England.”
“Let’s go to another town and spend a few days there before we leave England.”
“Very well. Manchester or Birmingham.”
"Alright. Manchester or Birmingham."
“You speak rather impatiently,” said Rhoda, looking at him with an uneasy smile. “Let it be London if you prefer—”
“You're sounding a bit impatient,” Rhoda said, giving him a nervous smile. “If you prefer, let it be London—”
“On no account. It’s all indifferent to me so long as we get safely away together. Every man is impatient of these preliminaries. Yes, in that case I must of course go up to London. To-morrow, and back on Saturday?”
“Absolutely not. I don’t care about any of this as long as we get away together safely. Every guy gets tired of these formalities. Yeah, in that case, I definitely have to head up to London. Tomorrow, and then back on Saturday?”
A shower of rain caused them some discomfort. Through the afternoon it still rained at intervals whilst Barfoot was discharging his business at Gosforth. He was to see Rhoda again at eight o’clock, and as the time threatened to hang heavily on his hands he returned by a long detour, reaching the Seascale hotel about half-past six. No sooner had he entered than there was delivered to him a letter, brought by messenger an hour or two ago. It surprised him to recognize Rhoda’s writing on the envelope, which seemed to contain at least two sheets of notepaper. What now? Some whimsey? Agitated and annoyed by the anticipation of trouble, he went apart and broke the letter open.
A rain shower made them uncomfortable. Throughout the afternoon, it continued to rain occasionally while Barfoot was handling his business in Gosforth. He was scheduled to see Rhoda again at eight o’clock, and since that time felt like it would drag on, he took a longer route back, arriving at the Seascale hotel around six-thirty. As soon as he walked in, he received a letter delivered by a messenger a couple of hours earlier. He was surprised to see Rhoda’s handwriting on the envelope, which seemed to contain at least two sheets of paper. What was this about? Some random thought? Feeling anxious and irritated at the thought of trouble, he set himself apart and opened the letter.
First appeared an enclosure—a letter in his cousin Mary’s writing. He turned to the other sheet and read these lines,—
First came an envelope—a letter in his cousin Mary’s handwriting. He flipped to the other page and read these lines,—
“I send you something that has come by post this afternoon. Please to bring it with you when you meet me at eight o’clock—if you still care to do so.”
“I’m sending you something that arrived by mail this afternoon. Please bring it with you when you meet me at eight o’clock—if you still want to.”
His face flushed with anger. What contemptible woman’s folly was this? “If you still care to do so”—and written in a hand that shook. If this was to be his experience of matrimonial engagement—What rubbish had Mary been communicating?
His face turned red with anger. What foolishness from that contemptible woman was this? “If you still want to do this”—and it was written in a shaky hand. If this was what he had to look forward to in a marriage—What nonsense had Mary been telling him?
“My DEAR RHODA,—I have just gone through a very painful scene, and I feel bound to let you know of it without delay, as it may concern you. This evening (Monday), when I came home from Great Portland Street, Emma told me that Mr. Widdowson had called, that he wished to see me as soon as possible, and would be here again at six o’clock. He came, and his appearance alarmed me, he was looking so dreadfully ill. Without preface, he said, “My wife has left me; she has gone to her sister, and refuses to return.” This was astonishing in itself, and I wondered still more why he should come and tell me about it in so strange a way. The explanation followed very promptly, and you may judge how I heard it. Mr. Widdowson said that his wife had been behaving very badly of late; that he had discovered several falsehoods she had told him as to her employment during absences from home, in daytime and evening. Having cause for suspecting the worst, he last Saturday engaged a private detective to follow Mrs. Widdowson wherever she went. This man saw her go to the flats in Bayswater where Everard lives and knock at his door. As no one replied, she went away for a time and returned, but again found no one at home. This being at once reported to Mr. Widdowson he asked his wife where she had been that afternoon. The answer was false; she said she had been here, with me. Thereupon he lost command of himself, and charged her with infidelity. She refused to offer any kind of explanation, but denied that she was guilty and at once left the house. Since, she has utterly refused to see him. Her sister can only report that Monica is very ill, and that she charges her husband with accusing her falsely.
"My DEAR RHODA,—I've just gone through a really painful situation, and I feel it's important to let you know about it right away, as it may involve you. This evening (Monday), when I got home from Great Portland Street, Emma told me that Mr. Widdowson had stopped by, that he wanted to see me as soon as possible, and that he would be back at six o’clock. He arrived, and I was alarmed by his appearance; he looked terribly unwell. Without any introduction, he said, “My wife has left me; she’s gone to stay with her sister and refuses to come back.” This was shocking in itself, and I wondered even more why he would come and tell me about it in such a strange way. The explanation followed quickly, and you can imagine how I took it. Mr. Widdowson said that his wife had been behaving very badly lately; that he had discovered several lies she told him about what she was doing during her absences from home, both during the day and at night. Because he suspected something was wrong, he hired a private detective last Saturday to follow Mrs. Widdowson everywhere she went. This man saw her go to the flats in Bayswater where Everard lives and knock on his door. When no one answered, she left for a while and then came back, but still found no one home. After this was reported to Mr. Widdowson, he asked his wife where she had been that afternoon. Her answer was a lie; she said she had been here with me. That’s when he lost control and accused her of cheating. She wouldn’t offer any explanation, denied being guilty, and immediately left the house. Since then, she has completely refused to see him. Her sister can only say that Monica is very unwell and that she claims her husband is accusing her falsely."
“He had come to me, he said, in unspeakable anguish and helplessness, to ask me whether I had seen anything suspicious in the relations between Monica and my cousin when they met at this house or elsewhere. A nice question! Of course I could only reply that it had never even occurred to me to observe them—that to my knowledge they had met so rarely—and that I should never have dreamt of suspecting Monica. “Yet you see she must be guilty,” he kept on repeating. I said no, that I thought her visit might have an innocent significance, though I couldn’t suggest why she had told falsehoods. Then he inquired what I knew about Everard’s present movements. I answered that I had every reason to think that he was out of town, but didn’t know when he went, or when he might be expected to return. The poor man was grievously dissatisfied; he looked at me as if I were in a base plot against him. It was an immense relief when he went away, after begging me to respect his confidence.
“He came to me, he said, in unbearable pain and feeling powerless, to ask if I had noticed anything suspicious about the relationship between Monica and my cousin when they met at this house or anywhere else. What a tricky question! Of course, I could only say that it had never even crossed my mind to watch them—that, to my knowledge, they had met so rarely—and that I would never have suspected Monica. “Yet you see she must be guilty,” he kept insisting. I said no, that I thought her visit might have an innocent explanation, although I couldn’t explain why she had lied. Then he asked what I knew about Everard’s current whereabouts. I replied that I had every reason to believe he was out of town, but I didn’t know when he left or when he might come back. The poor guy was extremely unhappy; he looked at me like I was plotting against him. It was such a relief when he finally left, after pleading with me to keep his trust.
“I write very hurriedly, as you see. That I ought to write is, I think, clear—though I may be doing lamentable mischief. I cannot credit this charge against Mrs. Widdowson; there must surely be some explanation. If you have already left Seascale, no doubt this letter will be forwarded.—Ever yours, dear Rhoda,
“I write really quickly, as you can see. It’s pretty clear that I should be writing—though I might be causing some serious trouble. I can’t believe the accusations against Mrs. Widdowson; there must be some other explanation. If you’ve already left Seascale, I’m sure this letter will be sent on.—Always yours, dear Rhoda,
MARY BARFOOT.”
MARY BARFOOT.
Everard laughed bitterly. The completeness of the case against him in Rhoda’s eyes must be so overwhelming, and his absolute innocence made it exasperating to have to defend himself. How, indeed, was he to defend himself?
Everard laughed bitterly. The strength of the case against him in Rhoda’s eyes must be so overwhelming, and his total innocence made it frustrating to have to defend himself. How, exactly, was he supposed to defend himself?
The story was strange enough. Could he be right in the interpretation which at once suggested itself to his mind—or perhaps to his vanity? He remembered the meeting with Mrs. Widdowson near his abode on Friday. He recollected, moreover, the signs of interest in himself which, as he now thought, she had shown on previous occasions. Had the poor little woman—doubtless miserable with her husband—actually let herself fall in love with him? But, even in that case, what a reckless thing to do—to come to his rooms! Why, she must have been driven by a despair that blinded her to all sense of delicacy! Perhaps, had he been at home, she would have made a pretence of wishing to speak about Rhoda Nunn. That was imprudent behaviour of his, making such a person his confidante. But he was tempted by his liking for her.
The story was pretty strange. Could he be right in the interpretation that immediately came to mind—or maybe it was just his vanity? He remembered running into Mrs. Widdowson near his place on Friday. He also recalled the signs of interest in him that she had shown on previous occasions. Had the poor woman—who was probably unhappy with her husband—actually fallen in love with him? But even then, what a reckless thing to do—to come to his place! She must have been driven by a desperation that made her ignore any sense of decency! Maybe, if he had been home, she would have pretended she wanted to talk about Rhoda Nunn. That was foolish of him, trusting someone like her with his secrets. But he was tempted by his feelings for her.
“By Jove!” he muttered, overcome by the thought. “I’m glad I was not at home!”
“Wow!” he muttered, overwhelmed by the thought. “I’m glad I wasn’t at home!”
But then—he had told her that he was going away on Saturday. How could she expect to find him? The hour of her visit was not stated; probably she hoped to catch him before he left. And was her appearance in the neighbourhood on Friday—her troubled aspect—to be explained as an abortive attempt to have a private interview with him?
But then—he had mentioned that he was leaving on Saturday. How could she expect to find him? The time of her visit wasn't specified; she probably hoped to see him before he left. And was her presence in the neighborhood on Friday—her worried expression—meant to be interpreted as a failed attempt to have a private conversation with him?
The queerest affair—and maddening in its issues! Rhoda was raging with jealousy. Well, he too would rage. And without affectation. It was strange that he felt almost glad of a ground of quarrel with Rhoda. All day he had been in an irritable temper, and so far as he could understand himself it was due to resentment of his last night’s defeat. He though of Rhoda as ardently as ever, but an element that was very like brutality had intruded into his emotions; that was his reason from refraining from caresses this morning; he could not trust himself.
The weirdest situation—and so frustrating! Rhoda was consumed with jealousy. Well, he would be angry too. And without pretending. It was odd that he almost felt relieved to have a reason to fight with Rhoda. All day he had been in a bad mood, and as much as he could figure out, it was because he was upset about losing last night. He thought about Rhoda just as passionately as ever, but a feeling that was close to being cruel had crept into his feelings; that’s why he held back from any affection this morning; he didn’t trust himself.
He would endure no absurdities. If Rhoda did not choose to accept his simple assurance—let her take the consequences. Even now, perhaps, he would bring her to her knees before him. Let her wrong him by baseless accusation! Then it would no longer be he who sued for favour. He would whistle her down the wind, and await her penitent reappearance. Sooner or later his pride and hers, the obstinacy in their natures, must battle it out; better that it should be now, before the irrevocable step had been taken.
He wouldn't put up with any nonsense. If Rhoda didn't want to accept his straightforward assurance—let her deal with the fallout. Even now, he might bring her to her knees. Let her wrong him with unfounded accusations! Then it wouldn't be him begging for forgiveness. He would dismiss her and wait for her to come back, sorry. Sooner or later, their pride and stubbornness would clash; it was better for that to happen now, before a permanent decision was made.
He ate his dinner with savage appetite, and drank a good deal more wine than of wont. Then he smoked until the last minute of delay that his engagement allowed. Of course she had sent the letter to the hotel because he might be unable to read it in twilight. Wise precaution. And he was glad to have been able to think the matter over, to work himself into reasonable wrath. If ever man did well to be angry—!
He ate his dinner with a fierce hunger and drank a lot more wine than usual. Then he smoked right up until the last moment he could before his engagement. She had sent the letter to the hotel because he might struggle to read it in the fading light. Smart move. He was glad to have had the chance to think things through and work himself into a sensible anger. If there was ever a reason for a man to be angry—!
There she was, down by the edge of the waves. She would not turn to see if he were coming; he felt sure of that. Whether she heard his footsteps he could not tell. When quite close to her, he exclaimed,—
There she was, right by the edge of the waves. She wouldn’t turn to see if he was coming; he was sure of that. He couldn’t tell if she heard his footsteps. When he got close to her, he exclaimed,—
“Well, Rhoda?” She must have known of his approach, for she gave no start.
“Well, Rhoda?” She must have sensed him coming, because she didn’t flinch.
She faced slowly to him. No trace of tears on her countenance; no, Rhoda was above that. Gravity of the sternest—that was all.
She turned to him slowly. There were no signs of tears on her face; no, Rhoda was past that. Just an expression of the utmost seriousness—that was all.
“Well,” he continued, “what have you to say to me?”
“Well,” he went on, “what do you want to say to me?”
“I? Nothing.”
"Me? Nothing."
“You mean that it is my business to explain what Mary has told you. I can’t, so there’s an end of it.”
“You're saying it's my job to explain what Mary told you. I can’t do that, so that’s that.”
“What do you mean by that?” she asked in clear, distant tones.
“What do you mean by that?” she asked in a clear, distant voice.
“Precisely what I say, Rhoda. And I am obliged to ask what you mean by this odd way of speaking to me. What has happened since we parted this morning?”
“Exactly what I mean, Rhoda. And I have to ask what you mean by this strange way of talking to me. What’s happened since we separated this morning?”
Rhoda could not suppress her astonishment; she gazed fixedly at him.
Rhoda couldn't hide her surprise; she stared at him intently.
“If you can’t explain this letter, who can?”
“If you can’t explain this letter, who else can?”
“I suppose Mrs. Widdowson would be able to account for her doings. I certainly am not able to. And it seems to me that you are strangely forgetful of something that passed between us yesterday.”
“I suppose Mrs. Widdowson could explain her actions. I definitely can’t. And it seems to me that you're oddly forgetful of something that happened between us yesterday.”
“Of what?” she asked coldly, her face, which was held proudly up, turning towards the sea.
“About what?” she asked coldly, her face, held high with pride, turning towards the sea.
“Evidently you accuse me of concealing something from you. Please to remember a certain plain question you asked me, and the equally plain answer I gave.”
“Clearly, you think I’m hiding something from you. Just remember the straightforward question you asked me and the equally straightforward answer I gave.”
He detected the beginning of a smile about her rigid lips.
He noticed the start of a smile forming on her stiff lips.
“I remember,” she said.
"I remember," she said.
“And you can still behave to me with indignation? Surely the indignation should be on my side. You are telling me that I deceived you.”
“And you can still act with indignation towards me? Surely, I should be the one feeling indignant. You’re accusing me of deceiving you.”
For a moment Rhoda lost her self-control.
For a moment, Rhoda lost her composure.
“How can I help thinking so?” she exclaimed, with a gesture of misery. “What can this letter mean? Why should she go to your rooms?”
“How can I stop thinking that way?” she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in despair. “What does this letter even mean? Why would she go to your place?”
“I simply don’t know, Rhoda.”
"I really don’t know, Rhoda."
He preserved the show of calmness just because he saw that it provoked her to anger.
He kept up the appearance of being calm just because he noticed that it made her angry.
“She has never been there before?”
"She's never been there?"
“Never to my knowledge.”
“Not that I know of.”
Rhoda watched his face with greedy attention. She seemed to find there a confirmation of her doubts. Indeed, it was impossible for her to credit his denials after what she had observed in London, and the circumstances which, even before Mary’s letter, had made her suspicious.
Rhoda watched his face with intense focus. She seemed to find confirmation of her doubts there. In fact, it was hard for her to believe his denials after what she had seen in London, along with the circumstances that had raised her suspicions even before Mary's letter.
“When did you last see Mrs. Widdowson?”
“When did you last see Mrs. Widdowson?”
“No, I shan’t consent to be cross-examined,” replied Everard, with a disdainful smile. “As soon as you refuse to accept my word it’s folly to ask further questions. You don’t believe me. Say it honestly and let us understand each other.”
“No, I won’t agree to be cross-examined,” Everard said with a scornful smile. “The moment you decide not to take my word for it, it’s pointless to ask more questions. You don’t believe me. Just say it honestly and let’s get on the same page.”
“I have good reason for thinking that you could explain Mrs. Widdowson’s behaviour if you chose.”
“I have a good reason to believe that you could explain Mrs. Widdowson’s behavior if you wanted to.”
“Exactly. There’s no misunderstanding that. And if I get angry I am an unpardonable brute. Come now, you can’t be offended if I treat you as simply my equal, Rhoda. Let me test your sincerity. Suppose I had seen you talking somewhere with some man who seemed to interest you very much, and then—to-day, let us say—I heard that he had called upon you when you were alone. I turn with a savage face and accuse you of grossly deceiving me—in the worst sense. What would your answer be?”
“Exactly. There’s no misunderstanding that. And if I get angry, I’m an unforgivable jerk. Come on, you can’t be offended if I treat you like my equal, Rhoda. Let me test your sincerity. Suppose I saw you talking to some guy who seemed to interest you a lot, and then—today, let’s say—I heard he visited you when you were alone. I would turn with a furious look and accuse you of seriously deceiving me—in the worst way. What would you say?”
“These are idle suppositions,” she exclaimed scornfully.
“These are pointless assumptions,” she exclaimed scornfully.
“But the case is possible, you must admit. I want you to realize what I am feeling. In such a case as that, you could only turn from me with contempt. How else can I behave to you—conscious of my innocence, yet in the nature of things unable to prove it?”
“But the situation is possible, you have to admit. I want you to understand what I’m feeling. In that scenario, you could only look at me with disdain. How else am I supposed to act towards you—aware of my innocence, yet unable to prove it due to the circumstances?”
“Appearances are very strongly against you.”
"Everything seems to be against you."
“That’s an accident—to me quite unaccountable. If I charged you with dishonour you would only have your word to offer in reply. So it is with me. And my word is bluntly rejected. You try me rather severely.”
“That’s an accident—I find it completely inexplicable. If I accused you of dishonor, you would only have your word to defend yourself. It’s the same with me. And my word is just outright dismissed. You’re being pretty hard on me.”
Rhoda kept silence.
Rhoda stayed silent.
“I know what you are thinking. My character was previously none of the best. There is a prejudice against me in such a matter as this. Well, you shall hear some more plain speech, altogether for your good. My record is not immaculate; nor, I believe, is any mans. I have gone here and there, and have had my adventures like other men. One of them you have heard about—the story of that girl Amy Drake—the subject of Mrs. Goodall’s righteous wrath. You shall know the truth, and if it offends your ears I can’t help it. The girl simply threw herself into my arms, on a railway journey, when we met by pure chance.”
“I know what you're thinking. My character hasn't been the best in the past. There's a bias against me regarding this. Well, you're about to hear some straightforward talk, all for your benefit. My record isn't perfect; I don't think anyone's is. I've been around and had my adventures like anyone else. One of them you know about—the story of that girl Amy Drake, who made Mrs. Goodall so angry. You'll hear the truth, and if it bothers you, I can't do anything about it. The girl just threw herself into my arms during a train journey when we met by pure chance.”
“I don’t care to hear that,” said Rhoda, turning away.
“I don’t want to hear that,” Rhoda said, turning away.
“But you shall hear it. That story has predisposed you to believe the worst things of me. If I hold you by force, you shall hear every word of it. Mary seems to have given you mere dark hints—”
“But you will hear it. That story has made you think the worst of me. If I have to hold you against your will, you will hear every word of it. Mary seems to have only given you vague hints—”
“No; she has told me the details. I know it all.”
“No; she’s told me everything. I know it all.”
“From their point of view. Very well; that saves me a lot of narrative. What those good people didn’t understand was the girl’s character. They thought her a helpless innocent; she was a—I’ll spare you the word. She simply planned to get me into her power—thought I should be forced to marry her. It’s the kind of thing that happens far oftener than you would suppose; that’s the reason why men so often smile in what you would call a brutal way when certain stories are told to other men’s discredit. You will have to take this into account, Rhoda, before you reach satisfactory results on the questions that have occupied you so much. I was not in the least responsible for Amy Drake’s desertion of creditable paths. At the worst I behaved foolishly; and knowing I had done so, knowing how thankless it was to try and clear myself at her expense, I let people say what they would; it didn’t matter. And you don’t believe me; I can see you don’t. Sexual pride won’t let you believe me. In such a case the man must necessarily be the villain.”
“From their perspective. Fine; that saves me a lot of storytelling. What those good people didn’t see was the girl’s true nature. They thought she was a helpless innocent; she was a—I’ll spare you the term. She merely intended to manipulate me—believed I would be forced to marry her. It’s the kind of thing that happens way more often than you’d think; that’s why men frequently smirk in what you would call a brutal way when certain stories are told to discredit other men. You’ll need to consider this, Rhoda, before you come to any solid conclusions about the questions that have been on your mind so much. I was not at all responsible for Amy Drake’s departure from respectable paths. At worst, I acted foolishly; and knowing I had, understanding how pointless it was to try to defend myself at her expense, I let people say whatever they wanted; it didn’t matter. And you don’t believe me; I can tell you don’t. Male pride won’t allow you to believe me. In such instances, a man is always made out to be the villain.”
“What you mean by saying you only behaved “foolishly,” I can’t understand.”
“What do you mean when you say you only acted ‘foolishly’? I just don’t get it.”
“Perhaps not, and I can’t explain as I once did in telling the story to a man, a friend of mine. But however strict your moral ideas, you will admit that a girl of thoroughly bad character isn’t a subject for the outcry that was raised about Miss Amy Drake. By taking a little trouble I could have brought things to light which would have given worthy Mrs. Goodall and cousin Mary a great shock. Well, that’s enough. I have never pretended to sanctity; but, on the other hand, I have never behaved like a scoundrel. You charge me, deliberately, with being a scoundrel, and I defend myself as best I can. You argue that the man who would mislead an innocent girl and then cast her off is more likely than not to be guilty in a case like this of Mrs. Widdowson, when appearances are decidedly against him. There is only my word in each instance. The question is—Will you accept my word?”
“Maybe not, and I can’t explain it like I used to when I told the story to a friend of mine. But no matter how strict your moral views are, you have to agree that a girl with a completely bad reputation isn’t someone who deserves the uproar that was caused over Miss Amy Drake. If I had put in a little effort, I could have revealed things that would have shocked the respectable Mrs. Goodall and cousin Mary. Well, that’s enough. I’ve never claimed to be perfect; but at the same time, I’ve never acted like a scoundrel. You’re accusing me, intentionally, of being a scoundrel, and I’m defending myself as best I can. You argue that a man who would mislead an innocent girl and then abandon her is likely guilty in a situation like Mrs. Widdowson’s, especially when the evidence seems to point against him. In each case, all I have is my word. The question is—Will you take my word for it?”
For a wonder, their privacy was threatened by the approach of two men who were walking this way from Seascale. Voices in conversation caused Rhoda to look round; Barfoot had already observed the strangers.
For a surprise, their privacy was interrupted by the approach of two men who were walking this way from Seascale. The sound of their conversation made Rhoda turn around; Barfoot had already noticed the strangers.
“Let us go up on to the higher sand,” he said.
“Let’s go up to the higher sand,” he said.
Without reply Rhoda accompanied him, and for several minutes they exchanged no word. The men, talking and laughing loudly, went by; they seemed to be tourists of a kind that do not often trouble this quiet spot on the coast; their cigars glowed in the dusk.
Without saying anything, Rhoda walked with him, and for several minutes they didn't exchange a word. The men passed by, chatting and laughing loudly; they seemed like tourists who don't usually visit this peaceful spot on the coast, their cigars glowing in the twilight.
“After all this, what have you to say to me, Rhoda?”
“After everything that’s happened, what do you have to say to me, Rhoda?”
“Will you please to give me your cousin’s letter?” she said coldly.
“Could you please give me your cousin’s letter?” she said coldly.
“Here it is. Now you will go back to your lodgings, and sit with that letter open before you half through the night. You will make yourself unutterably wretched, and all for what?”
“Here it is. Now you will return to your place and sit with that letter open in front of you half the night. You will make yourself incredibly miserable, and all for what?”
He felt himself once more in danger of weakness. Rhoda, in her haughty, resentful mood, was very attractive to him. He was tempted to take her in his arms, and kiss her until she softened, pleaded with him. He wished to see her shed tears. But the voice in which she now spoke to him was far enough from tearfulness.
He felt once again at risk of becoming weak. Rhoda, in her proud, resentful mood, was very appealing to him. He was tempted to pull her into his arms and kiss her until she softened and begged him. He wanted to see her cry. But the way she spoke to him now was anything but tearful.
“You must prove to me that you have been wrongly suspected.”
“You need to show me that you've been unfairly accused.”
Ah, that was to be her line of conduct. She believed her power over him was absolute. She stood on her dignity, would bring him to supplication, would give him all the trouble she could before she professed herself satisfied.
Ah, that was how she intended to act. She thought her control over him was complete. She held her head high, determined to make him beg, and planned to give him as much trouble as possible before she declared herself satisfied.
“How am I to prove it?” he asked bluntly.
“How am I supposed to prove it?” he asked directly.
“If there was nothing wrong between you and Mrs. Widdowson, there must be some very simple explanation of her coming to your rooms and being so anxious to see you.”
“If there was nothing going on between you and Mrs. Widdowson, there has to be a straightforward explanation for her coming to your place and being so eager to see you.”
“And is it my business to discover that explanation?”
“And is it my job to figure that out?”
“Can it be mine?”
“Can it be mine?”
“It must either be yours, Rhoda, or no one’s. I shall take no single step in the matter.”
“It has to be yours, Rhoda, or no one’s. I won’t take any action on this.”
The battle was declared. Each stood at full height, pertinacious, resolved on victory.
The battle was declared. Each stood tall, determined and set on winning.
“You are putting yourself wildly in the wrong,” Everard continued. “By refusing to take my word you make it impossible for me to hope that we could live together as we imagined.”
“You're completely off track,” Everard continued. “By choosing not to believe me, you’re making it impossible for me to hope that we can live together like we always dreamed.”
The words fell upon her heart like a crushing weight. But she could not yield. Last night she had suffered in his opinion by urging what he thought a weak, womanly scruple; she had condescended to plead tenderly with him, and had won her cause. Now she would prevail in another way. If he were telling the truth, he should acknowledge that natural suspicion made it incumbent upon him to clear so strange a case of its difficulties. If he were guilty of deception, as she still believed, though willing to admit to herself that Monica might be most at fault, that there might have been no actual wrongdoing between them—he should confess with humblest penitence, and beseech pardon. Impossible to take any other attitude. Impossible to marry him with this doubt in her mind—equally out of the question to seek Monica, and humiliate herself by making inquiries on such a subject. Guilty or not, Monica would regard her with secret disdain, with woman’s malice. Were she able to believe him, that indeed would be a grand consummation of their love, an ideal union of heart and soul. Listening to him, she had tried to put faith in his indignant words. But it was useless. The incredulity she could not help must either part them for ever, or be to her an occasion of new triumph.
The words hit her heart like a heavy burden. But she couldn’t give in. Last night, she had suffered in his eyes for what he saw as a weak, feminine hesitation; she had lowered herself to compassionately plead with him, and she had won her case. Now, she would succeed in a different way. If he was telling the truth, he should recognize that natural suspicion required him to clarify such a complicated situation. If he was lying, which she still believed, even if she was willing to admit that Monica might have been mostly to blame and there might not have been any actual wrongdoing between them—he should confess with genuine remorse and ask for forgiveness. There was no other option. It was impossible to marry him with this doubt in her mind—equally out of the question to confront Monica and humiliate herself by asking about it. Whether guilty or not, Monica would secretly look down on her, with a woman’s spite. If she could truly believe him, that would be a wonderful culmination of their love, an ideal union of heart and soul. While listening to him, she tried to trust his passionate words. But it was pointless. The disbelief she couldn't shake would either separate them forever or provide her with another opportunity for triumph.
“I don’t refuse to take your word,” she said, with conscious quibbling. “I only say that your name must be cleared from suspicion. Mr. Widdowson is sure to tell his story to other people. Why has his wife left him?”
“I’m not refusing to believe you,” she said, with a hint of argument. “I’m just saying that your name needs to be cleared of any suspicion. Mr. Widdowson is definitely going to share his side of the story with others. Why did his wife leave him?”
“I neither know nor care.”
"I don't know or care."
“You must prove to me that you are not the cause of it.”
“You need to show me that you’re not responsible for this.”
“I shall not make the slightest effort to do so.”
“I won’t even try to do that.”
Rhoda began to move away from him. As he kept silence, she walked on in the Seascale direction. He followed at a distance of a few yards, watching her movements. When they had gone so far that five minutes more must bring them within sight of the hotel, Everard spoke.
Rhoda started to walk away from him. Since he remained silent, she continued in the direction of Seascale. He followed a few yards behind, observing her movements. Once they had walked far enough that five more minutes would bring them into view of the hotel, Everard spoke up.
“Rhoda!”
"Rhoda!"
She paused and awaited him.
She paused and waited for him.
“You remember that I was going to London to-morrow. It seems that I had better go and not trouble to return.”
"You remember that I was headed to London tomorrow. It looks like it’s best if I just go and not worry about coming back."
“That is for you to decide.”
"That's up to you to decide."
“For you rather.”
"For you instead."
“I have said all that I can say.”
“I have said all that I can say.”
“And so have I. But surely you must be unconscious how grossly you are insulting me.”
“And so have I. But you must not realize how badly you are insulting me.”
“I want only to understand what purpose Mrs. Widdowson had in going to your rooms.”
“I just want to understand what purpose Mrs. Widdowson had in going to your place.”
“Then why not ask her? You are friends. She would doubtless tell you the truth.”
“Then why not just ask her? You’re friends. She would definitely tell you the truth.”
“If she comes to me voluntarily to make an explanation, I will hear it. But I shall not ask her.”
“If she comes to me on her own to explain, I will listen. But I won’t ask her.”
“Your view of the fitness of things is that I should request her to wait upon you for that purpose?”
"Are you saying that I should ask her to come see you for that reason?"
“There are others who can act for you.”
“There are others who can represent you.”
“Very well. Then we are at a deadlock. It seems to me that we had better shake hands like sensible people, and say good-bye.”
“Alright. Then we're at a standstill. It looks to me like we should shake hands like reasonable people and say goodbye.”
“Much better—if it seems so to you.”
“Much better—if that’s how you see it.”
The time for emotional help was past. In very truth they had nothing more to say to each other, being now hardened in obstinacy. Each suffered from the other’s coldness, each felt angry with the other’s stubborn refusal to concede a point of dignity. Everard put out his hand.
The time for emotional support was over. In truth, they had nothing more to say to each other, having become set in their ways. Each one suffered from the other's coldness, feeling anger towards the other's stubborn refusal to give in on a matter of pride. Everard reached out his hand.
“When you are ready to say that you have used me very ill, I shall remember only yesterday. Till then—good-bye, Rhoda.”
“When you're ready to say that you've treated me really poorly, I'll only remember yesterday. Until then—goodbye, Rhoda.”
She made a show of taking his hand, but said nothing. And so they parted.
She put on a display of holding his hand, but didn’t say a word. And so they separated.
* * *
Understood! Please provide the text for modernization.
At eight o’clock next morning Barfoot was seated in the southward train. He rejoiced that his strength of will had thus far asserted itself. Of final farewell to Rhoda he had no thought whatever. Her curiosity would, of course, compel her to see Monica; one way or another she would learn that he was blameless. His part was to keep aloof from her, and to wait for her inevitable submission.
At eight o’clock the next morning, Barfoot was sitting on the southbound train. He felt proud that his willpower had held up so far. He didn’t think about saying a final goodbye to Rhoda at all. Her curiosity would definitely drive her to see Monica; somehow, she would find out that he was innocent. His job was to stay away from her and wait for her to eventually come around.
Violent rain was beating upon the carriage windows; it drove from the mountains, themselves invisible, though dense low clouds marked their position. Poor Rhoda! She would not have a very cheerful day at Seascale. Perhaps she would follow him by a later train. Certain it was that she must be suffering intensely—and that certainly rejoiced him. The keener her suffering the sooner her submission. Oh, but the submission should be perfect! He had seen her in many moods, but not yet in the anguish of broken pride. She must shed tears before him, declare her spirit worn and subjugated by torment of jealousy and fear. Then he would raise her, and seat her in the place of honour, and fall down at her feet, and fill her soul with rapture.
Violent rain was pounding against the carriage windows; it came from the mountains, which were hidden from view, although thick low clouds indicated their location. Poor Rhoda! She wouldn’t have a very happy day at Seascale. Maybe she would take a later train to follow him. It was clear that she had to be suffering deeply—and that definitely pleased him. The more she suffered, the sooner she would submit. Oh, but her submission had to be complete! He had seen her in many moods, but not yet in the pain of broken pride. She needed to shed tears in front of him, confess that her spirit was worn down and crushed by jealousy and fear. Then he would lift her up, place her in the position of honor, fall at her feet, and fill her soul with joy.
Many times between Seascale and London he smiled in anticipation of that hour.
Many times between Seascale and London, he smiled, looking forward to that moment.
CHAPTER XXVII
THE REASCENT
Whilst the rain pelted, and it did so until afternoon, Rhoda sat in her little parlour, no whit less miserable than Barfoot imagined. She could not be sure whether Everard had gone to London; at the last moment reflection or emotion might have detained him. Early in the morning she had sent to post a letter for Miss Barfoot, written last night—a letter which made no revelation of her feelings, but merely expressed a cold curiosity to hear anything that might become known as to the course of Mr. Widdowson’s domestic troubles. “You may still write to this address; if I leave, letters shall be forwarded.”
While the rain poured down, and it continued until the afternoon, Rhoda sat in her small living room, just as miserable as Barfoot had imagined. She wasn't sure if Everard had gone to London; at the last moment, he might have changed his mind due to reflection or emotion. Early in the morning, she had sent a letter for Miss Barfoot, which she had written the night before—a letter that didn’t reveal her feelings but simply expressed a detached curiosity about any updates regarding Mr. Widdowson’s domestic issues. “You can still write to this address; if I leave, your letters will be forwarded.”
When the sky cleared she went out. In the evening she again rambled about the shore. Evidently Barfoot had gone; if still here, he would have watched and joined her.
When the sky cleared, she went outside. In the evening, she wandered along the shore again. Clearly, Barfoot was gone; if he were still around, he would have been watching and joined her.
Her solitude now grew insufferable, yet she could not decide whither to betake herself. The temptation to return to London was very strong, but pride prevailed against it. Everard might perhaps go to see his cousin, and relate all that had happened at Seascale, justifying himself as he had here done. Whether Miss Barfoot became aware of the story or not, Rhoda could not reconcile it with her self-respect to curtail the stipulated three weeks of holiday. Rather she would strain her nerves to the last point of endurance—and if she were not suffering, then never did woman suffer.
Her loneliness had become unbearable, but she couldn't decide where to go. The temptation to return to London was strong, but her pride held her back. Everard might visit his cousin and share everything that happened at Seascale, defending himself as he had done here. Whether Miss Barfoot found out about the story or not, Rhoda couldn't bring herself to cut her three-week holiday short; she would push her nerves to the limit—and if she wasn’t suffering, then no woman had ever truly suffered.
Another cheerless day helped her to make up her mind. She cared nothing now for lake and mountain; human companionship was her supreme need. By the earliest train next day she started, not for London, but for her brother’s home in Somerset, and there she remained until it was time to return to work. Miss Barfoot wrote twice in the interval, saying that she had heard nothing more of Monica. Of Everard she made no mention.
Another gloomy day helped her decide. She didn't care about the lake and mountains anymore; what she really needed was human connection. The next morning, she took the earliest train, not to London, but to her brother's home in Somerset, where she stayed until it was time to go back to work. Miss Barfoot wrote to her twice during that time, saying she hadn’t heard anything more about Monica. She didn't mention Everard at all.
Rhoda got back again to Chelsea on the appointed Saturday afternoon. Miss Barfoot knew when she would arrive, but was not at home to meet her, and did not return till a couple of hours had passed. They met at length as if nothing remarkable had occurred during the three weeks. Mary, if she felt any solicitude, effectually concealed it; Rhoda talked as if very glad to be at home again, explaining her desertion of the lake country by the bad weather that prevailed there. It was not till after dinner that the inevitable subject came up between them.
Rhoda returned to Chelsea on the scheduled Saturday afternoon. Miss Barfoot knew when she would be arriving but wasn’t home to greet her and didn’t come back until a couple of hours later. When they finally met, it felt like nothing significant had happened during the three weeks apart. Mary, if she had any worries, hid them well; Rhoda chatted as if she were really happy to be home again, justifying her leaving the lake country by mentioning the awful weather there. It wasn’t until after dinner that the unavoidable topic came up between them.
“Have you seen Everard since you went away?” Miss Barfoot began by asking.
“Have you seen Everard since you left?” Miss Barfoot started by asking.
So he had not been here to tell his story and plead his cause—or it seemed not.
So he hadn't come here to share his story and defend his case—or at least, it didn't seem that way.
“Yes, I saw him at Seascale,” Rhoda replied, without sign of emotion.
“Yes, I saw him at Seascale,” Rhoda replied, without any hint of emotion.
“Before or after that news came?”
“Did that news come before or after?”
“Both before and after. I showed him your letter, and all he had to say was that he knew nothing of the affair.”
“Both before and after. I showed him your letter, and all he said was that he knew nothing about the situation.”
“That’s all he has to say to me. I haven’t seen him. A letter I sent to his address was answered, after a week, from a place I never heard of—Arromanches, in Normandy. The shortest and rudest letter I ever had from him. Practically he told me to mind my own business. And there things stand.”
“That’s all he has to say to me. I haven’t seen him. A letter I sent to his address got a reply, after a week, from a place I’ve never heard of—Arromanches, in Normandy. It was the shortest and rudest letter I’ve ever received from him. Basically, he told me to mind my own business. And that’s where things are at.”
Rhoda smiled a little, conscious of the extreme curiosity her friend must be feeling, and determined not to gratify it. For by this time, though her sunken cheeks were hard to reconcile with the enjoyment of a summer holiday, she had matured a resolve to betray nothing of what she had gone through. Her state of mind resembled that of the ascetic who has arrived at a morbid delight in self-torture. She regarded the world with an intense bitterness, and persuaded herself not only that the thought of Everard Barfoot was hateful to her soul, but that sexual love had become, and would ever be, to her an impure idea, a vice of blood.
Rhoda smiled slightly, aware of the intense curiosity her friend must be feeling, and determined not to give in to it. By now, even though her gaunt cheeks were hard to connect with enjoying a summer holiday, she had made up her mind not to reveal anything about what she had experienced. Her mindset was similar to that of an ascetic who has developed a disturbing pleasure in self-punishment. She viewed the world with deep bitterness and convinced herself not only that the thought of Everard Barfoot was repulsive to her, but that romantic love had become, and would always be, an impure concept, a flaw of the body.
“I suppose,” she said carelessly, “Mr. Widdowson will try to divorce his wife.”
“I guess,” she said casually, “Mr. Widdowson will try to divorce his wife.”
“I am in dread of that. But they may have made it up.”
“I’m really scared of that. But they might have just made it up.”
“Of course you have no doubt of her guilt?”
“Of course you have no doubt about her guilt?”
Mary tried to understand the hard, austere face, with its touch of cynicism. Conjecture as to its meaning was not difficult, but, in the utter absence of information, certainty there could be none. Under any circumstances, it was to be expected that Rhoda would think and speak of Mrs. Widdowson no less severely than of the errant Bella Royston.
Mary tried to understand the stern, serious face, with a hint of cynicism. Figuring out what it meant wasn't hard, but without any information, there could be no certainty. No matter what, it was expected that Rhoda would regard and talk about Mrs. Widdowson just as harshly as she did the wayward Bella Royston.
“I have some doubt,” was Miss Barfoot’s answer. “But I should be glad of some one else’s favourable opinion to help my charity.”
“I have some doubt,” was Miss Barfoot’s answer. “But I would appreciate another person's positive opinion to support my charity.”
“Miss Madden hasn’t been here, you see. She certainly would have come if she had felt convinced that her sister was wronged.”
“Miss Madden hasn't been here, you see. She definitely would have come if she believed her sister was wronged.”
“Unless a day or two saw the end of the trouble—when naturally none of them would say any more about it.”
“Unless a day or two passed without any issues—when obviously none of them would mention it again.”
This was the possibility which occupied Rhoda’s reflections as long as she lay awake that night.
This was the possibility that filled Rhoda's thoughts as she lay awake that night.
Her feelings on entering the familiar bedroom were very strange. Even before starting for her holiday she had bidden it good-bye, and at Seascale, that night following upon the “perfect day,” she had thought of it as a part of her past life, a place abandoned for ever, already infinitely remote. Her first sensation when she looked upon the white bed was one of disgust; she thought it would be impossible to use this room henceforth, and that she must ask Miss Barfoot to let her change to another. To-night she did not restore any of the ornaments which were lying packed up. The scent of the room revived so many hours of conflict, of hope, that it caused her a sick faintness. In frenzy of detestation she cursed the man who had so disturbed and sullied the swift, pure stream of her life.
Her emotions upon entering the familiar bedroom were very odd. Even before she left for her holiday, she'd said goodbye to it, and at Seascale, that night after the “perfect day,” she considered it a part of her past, a place she had left behind forever, already feeling incredibly distant. Her first reaction when she saw the white bed was one of disgust; she thought she could never use this room again and that she would have to ask Miss Barfoot to let her move to another. Tonight, she didn’t put back any of the ornaments that were packed away. The scent in the room brought back so many moments of struggle and hope that it made her feel queasy. In a frenzy of hatred, she cursed the man who had so disrupted and tarnished the swift, pure flow of her life.
* * *
Understood. Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
Arromanches, in Normandy—? On Sunday she sought the name on a map, but it was not marked, being doubtless too insignificant. Improbable that he had gone to such a place alone; he was enjoying himself with friends, careless what became of her. Having allowed all this time to go by he would never seek her again. He found that her will was the equal of his own, and, as he could not rule her, she was numbered among the women who had afforded him interesting experiences, to be thought of seriously no more.
Arromanches, in Normandy—? On Sunday she looked for the name on a map, but it wasn’t there, probably because it was too small to be noted. It was unlikely that he had gone to such a place alone; he was having a good time with friends, oblivious to her situation. After letting all this time pass, he would never look for her again. He realized that her determination matched his own, and since he couldn’t control her, she became just one of the women who had given him interesting experiences, no longer to be considered seriously.
During the next week she threw herself with energy upon her work, stifling the repugnance with which at first it affected her, and seeming at length to recover the old enthusiasm. This was the only way of salvation. Idleness and absence of purpose would soon degrade her in a sense she had never dreamt of. She made a plan of daily occupation, which by leaving not a vacant moment from early morning to late at night, should give her the sleep of utter weariness. New studies were begun in the hour or two before breakfast. She even restricted her diet, and ate only just enough to support life, rejecting wine and everything that was most agreeable to her palate.
During the next week, she dove into her work with enthusiasm, pushing aside the initial dread it brought her, and eventually seeming to regain her old passion. This was her only chance of redemption. Being idle and aimless would quickly lower her in ways she had never imagined. She created a plan for daily activities that filled every moment from early morning until late at night, ensuring she would sleep soundly from exhaustion. She started new studies in the hour or two before breakfast. She even cut back on her diet, eating just enough to get by and avoiding wine and all the foods she enjoyed most.
She desired to speak privately with Mildred Vesper, and opportunity might have been made, but, as part of her scheme of self-subdual, this conversation was postponed until the second week. It took place one evening when work was over.
She wanted to talk privately with Mildred Vesper, and the chance could have presented itself, but as part of her plan to hold herself back, this conversation was delayed until the second week. It happened one evening after work was done.
“I have been wanting to ask you,” Rhoda began, “whether you have any news of Mrs. Widdowson.”
“I’ve been wanting to ask you,” Rhoda started, “if you have any updates on Mrs. Widdowson.”
“I wrote to her not long ago, and she answered from a new address. She said she had left her husband and would never go back to him.”
“I wrote to her not long ago, and she replied from a new address. She mentioned that she had left her husband and would never return to him.”
Rhoda nodded gravely.
Rhoda nodded seriously.
“Then what I had heard was true. You haven’t seen her?”
“Then what I heard was true. You haven't seen her?”
“She asked me not to come. She is living with her sister.”
“She asked me not to come. She’s staying with her sister.”
“Did she give you any reason for the separation from her husband?”
“Did she give you any reason for separating from her husband?”
“None,” answered Mildred. “But she said it was no secret; that every one knew. That’s why I haven’t spoken to you about it—as I should have done otherwise after our last conversation.”
“None,” answered Mildred. “But she said it wasn’t a secret; that everyone knew. That’s why I haven’t talked to you about it—like I should have after our last conversation.”
“The fact is no secret,” said Rhoda coldly. “But why will she offer no explanation?”
“The fact isn’t a secret,” Rhoda said coldly. “But why won’t she offer any explanation?”
Mildred shook her head, signifying inability to make any satisfactory reply, and there the dialogue ended; for Rhoda could not proceed in it without appearing to encourage scandal. The hope of eliciting some suggestive information had failed; but whether Mildred had really disclosed all she knew seemed doubtful.
Mildred shook her head, indicating she couldn't provide a satisfactory answer, and that ended the conversation; Rhoda couldn't continue without seeming like she was spreading gossip. The hope of getting some helpful information had fallen short, but it was unclear whether Mildred had truly shared everything she knew.
At the end of the week Miss Barfoot left home for her own holiday; she was going to Scotland, and would be away for nearly the whole of September. At this time of the year the work in Great Portland Street was very light; not much employment offered for the typewriters, and the pupils numbered only about half a dozen. Nevertheless, it pleased Rhoda to have the establishment under her sole direction; she desired authority, and by magnifying the importance of that which now fell into her hands, she endeavoured to sustain herself under the secret misery which, for all her efforts, weighed no less upon her as time went on. It was a dreary make-believe. On the first night of solitude at Chelsea she shed bitter tears; and not only wept, but agonized in mute frenzy, the passions of her flesh torturing her until she thought of death as a refuge. Now she whispered the name of her lover with every word and phrase of endearment that her heart could suggest; the next moment she cursed him with the fury of deadliest hatred. In the half-delirium of sleeplessness, she revolved wild, impossible schemes for revenging herself, or, as the mood changed, all but resolved to sacrifice everything to her love, to accuse herself of ignoble jealousy and entreat forgiveness. Of many woeful nights this was the worst she had yet suffered.
At the end of the week, Miss Barfoot left home for her holiday; she was heading to Scotland and would be gone for almost all of September. This time of year, the work in Great Portland Street was pretty slow; there wasn’t much demand for the typewriters, and the number of pupils was only about six. Still, Rhoda felt satisfied to have the place under her sole management; she craved authority and, by exaggerating the significance of what now fell into her hands, she tried to keep herself steady under the hidden misery that, despite her efforts, weighed heavily on her as time passed. It was a bleak facade. On her first night alone in Chelsea, she cried bitterly; not only did she weep, but she also suffered in silent anguish, tormented by her desires until she contemplated death as an escape. Now she softly spoke her lover’s name with every term of endearment her heart could think of; in the next breath, she cursed him with the fiercest hatred. In her half-delirium from sleeplessness, she imagined wild, impossible plans for revenge, or, as her mood shifted, almost decided to give up everything for her love, to admit her despicable jealousy, and plead for forgiveness. Of the many sorrowful nights, this was the worst she had endured.
It recalled to her with much vividness a memory of girlhood, or indeed of childhood. She thought of that figure in the dim past, that rugged, harsh-featured man, who had given her the first suggestion of independence; thrice her own age, yet the inspirer of such tumultuous emotion in her ignorant heart; her friend at Clevedon—Mr. Smithson. A question from Mary Barfoot had caused her to glance back at him across the years, but only for an instant, and with self-mockery. What she now endured was the ripe intensity of a woe that fell upon her, at fifteen, when Mr. Smithson passed from her sight and away for ever. Childish folly! but the misery of it, the tossing at night, the blank outlook! How contemptible to revive such sensations, with mature intellect, after so long and stern a discipline!
It brought back a vivid memory from her girlhood or even her childhood. She thought about that figure from a distant past, that rugged, harsh-looking man who had first sparked a sense of independence in her; he was three times her age, yet he ignited such intense feelings in her young heart; her friend at Clevedon—Mr. Smithson. A question from Mary Barfoot made her look back at him across the years, but only for a moment, and with a hint of self-mockery. What she felt now was the deep sorrow that hit her at fifteen when Mr. Smithson disappeared from her life forever. Childish foolishness! But the pain of it, the restless nights, the bleak outlook! How ridiculous to bring back those feelings with a mature mind after such a long and tough discipline!
Dreading the Sunday, so terrible in its depressing effect upon the lonely and unhappy, she breakfasted as soon as possible, and left home—simply to walk, to exert herself physically, that fatigue and sleep might follow. There was a dull sky, but no immediate fear of rain; the weather brightened a little towards noon. Careless of the direction, she walked on and on until the last maddening church bell had ceased its clangour; she was far out in the western suburbs, and weariness began to check her quick pace. Then she turned back. Without intending it, she passed by Mrs. Cosgrove’s house, or rather would have passed, when she saw Mrs. Cosgrove at the dining-room window making signs to her. In a moment the door opened and she went in. She was glad of this accident, for the social lady might have something to tell about Mrs. Widdowson, who often visited her.
Dreading Sunday, which always felt so depressing for the lonely and unhappy, she had breakfast as early as possible and left home—just to walk, to push herself physically, hoping that fatigue and sleep would follow. The sky was gray, but there was no immediate threat of rain; the weather brightened a bit by noon. Without caring about the direction, she walked for a while until the last maddening church bell stopped ringing; she was far out in the western suburbs, and fatigue started to slow her pace. Then she turned back. Without meaning to, she walked past Mrs. Cosgrove’s house, or rather, she would have if she hadn’t noticed Mrs. Cosgrove at the dining room window waving to her. In a moment, the door opened and she went inside. She was glad for this chance encounter, hoping the social lady might have some news about Mrs. Widdowson, who often visited her.
“In mercy, come and talk to me!” exclaimed Mrs. Cosgrove. “I am quite alone, and feel as if I could hang myself. Are you obliged to go anywhere?”
“Please, come talk to me!” shouted Mrs. Cosgrove. “I’m all alone and feel like I could just end it all. Do you have to go anywhere?”
“No. I was having a walk.”
“No. I was out for a walk.”
“A walk? What astonishing energy! It never occurs to me to take a walk in London. I came from the country last night and expected to find my sister here, but she won’t arrive till Tuesday. I have been standing at the window for an hour, getting crazy with ennui.”
“A walk? What amazing energy! I never think to take a walk in London. I arrived from the countryside last night and thought I’d find my sister here, but she won’t get here until Tuesday. I’ve been standing at the window for an hour, going crazy with boredom.”
They went to the drawing-room. It was not long before Mrs. Cosgrove made an allusion which enabled Rhoda to speak of Mrs. Widdowson. For a month or more Mrs. Cosgrove had seen and heard nothing of her; she had been out of town all the time. Rhoda hesitated, but could not keep silence on the subject that had become a morbid preoccupation of her mind. She told as much as she knew—excepting the suspicion against Everard Barfoot.
They went to the living room. It wasn’t long before Mrs. Cosgrove brought up a topic that allowed Rhoda to talk about Mrs. Widdowson. For over a month, Mrs. Cosgrove hadn’t seen or heard anything from her; she had been out of town the entire time. Rhoda hesitated but couldn’t stay quiet about the subject that had become an unhealthy obsession for her. She shared everything she knew—except for her suspicion of Everard Barfoot.
“It doesn’t in the least surprise me,” said the listener, with interest. “I saw they wouldn’t be able to live together very well. Without children the thing was impossible. Of course she has told you all about it?”
“It doesn’t surprise me at all,” said the listener, interested. “I could tell they wouldn’t be able to live together very well. Without kids, it was impossible. Of course, she has told you everything about it?”
“I haven’t seen her since it happened.”
"I haven't seen her since it happened."
“Do you know, I always have a distinct feeling of pleasure when I hear of married people parting. How horrible that would seem to some of our good friends! But it isn’t a malicious pleasure; there’s nothing personal in it. As I have told you before, I think, I led a very contented life with my husband. But marriage in general is such a humbug—you forgive the word.”
“Do you know, I always feel a unique sense of satisfaction when I hear about married couples splitting up. How terrible that would sound to some of our good friends! But it’s not a mean-spirited satisfaction; there’s nothing personal about it. As I've mentioned before, I was quite happy in my life with my husband. But marriage overall is such a sham—you’ll forgive the term.”
“Of course it is,” assented Rhoda, laughing with forced gaiety.
“Of course it is,” Rhoda agreed, laughing with a fake cheerfulness.
“I am glad of anything that seems to threaten it as an institution—in its present form. A scandalous divorce case is a delight to me—anything that makes it evident how much misery would be spared if we could civilize ourselves in this respect. There are women whose conduct I think personally detestable, and whom yet I can’t help thanking for their assault upon social laws. We shall have to go through a stage of anarchy, you know, before reconstruction begins. Yes, in that sense I am an anarchist. Seriously, I believe if a few men and women in prominent position would contract marriage of the free kind, without priest or lawyer, open and defiantly, they would do more benefit to their kind than in any other possible way. I don’t declare this opinion to every one, but only because I am a coward. Whatever one believes with heart and soul one ought to make known.”
“I’m glad about anything that seems to threaten marriage as it is now. A scandalous divorce case is entertaining to me—anything that shows how much pain we could avoid if we could grow up in this regard. There are women whose behavior I personally find repulsive, yet I can’t help but thank them for challenging social norms. We’re going to have to go through a phase of chaos before we can rebuild. Yes, in that sense, I’m an anarchist. Honestly, I believe that if a few prominent men and women would enter into free marriages, without involving a priest or lawyer, openly and defiantly, they’d do more good for society than in any other way. I don’t share this view with everyone, but that’s just because I’m a coward. Whatever someone believes wholeheartedly, they should express.”
Rhoda wore a look of anxious reflection.
Rhoda looked worried.
“It needs a great deal of courage,” she said. “To take that step, I mean.”
“It takes a lot of courage,” she said. “To take that step, I mean.”
“Of course. We need martyrs. And yet I doubt whether the martyrdom would be very long, or very trying, to intellectual people. A woman of brains who boldly acted upon her conviction would have no lack of congenial society. The best people are getting more liberal than they care to confess to each other. Wait until some one puts the matter to the test and you will see.”
“Sure. We need martyrs. But I’m not sure how long or how difficult the martyrdom would be for intellectuals. A smart woman who confidently followed her beliefs would find plenty of like-minded company. The best people are becoming more open-minded than they want to admit to one another. Just wait until someone puts it to the test and you’ll see.”
Rhoda became so busy with her tumultuous thoughts that she spoke only a word now and then, allowing Mrs. Cosgrove to talk at large on this engrossing theme.
Rhoda got so caught up in her chaotic thoughts that she only spoke occasionally, letting Mrs. Cosgrove go on about this fascinating topic.
“Where is Mrs. Widdowson living?” the revolutionist at length inquired.
“Where is Mrs. Widdowson living?” the revolutionary finally asked.
“I don’t know. But I can get you her address.”
“I’m not sure. But I can get you her address.”
“Pray do. I shall go and see her. We are quite friendly enough for me to do so without impertinence.”
"Sure, I will go and see her. We're friendly enough that it won't be rude of me."
Having lunched with her acquaintance, Rhoda went in the afternoon to Mildred Vesper’s lodgings. Miss Vesper was at home, reading, in her usual placid mood. She gave Rhoda the address that was on Mrs. Widdowson’s last brief note, and that evening Rhoda sent it to Mrs. Cosgrove by letter.
Having had lunch with her friend, Rhoda went in the afternoon to Mildred Vesper’s place. Miss Vesper was at home, reading, in her typical calm state. She gave Rhoda the address that was on Mrs. Widdowson’s last short note, and that evening Rhoda sent it to Mrs. Cosgrove in a letter.
In two days she received a reply. Mrs. Cosgrove had called upon Mrs. Widdowson at her lodgings at Clapham. “She is ill, wretched, and unwilling to talk. I could only stay about a quarter of an hour, and to ask questions was impossible. She mentioned your name, and appeared very anxious to hear about you; but when I asked whether she would like you to call she grew timid all at once, and said she hoped you wouldn’t unless you really desired to see her. Poor thing! Of course I don’t know what it all means, but I came away with maledictions on marriage in my heart—one is always safe in indulging that feeling.”
In two days, she got a response. Mrs. Cosgrove visited Mrs. Widdowson at her place in Clapham. “She’s sick, miserable, and doesn’t want to talk. I could only stay for about fifteen minutes, and it was impossible to ask her questions. She mentioned your name and seemed really eager to hear about you, but when I asked if she would like you to visit, she suddenly got shy and said she hoped you wouldn’t unless you truly wanted to see her. Poor thing! I have no idea what it all means, but I left feeling frustrated with marriage—it's always safe to indulge that feeling.”
A week or so after this there arrived for Miss Barfoot a letter from Everard. The postmark was Ostend.
A week or so later, Miss Barfoot received a letter from Everard. The postmark was Ostend.
Never before had Rhoda been tempted to commit a break of confidence such as in any one else she would have scorned beyond measure. She had heard, of course, of people secretly opening letters with the help of steam; whether it could be done with absolute security from detection she did not feel sure, but her thoughts dwelt on the subject for several hours. It was terrible to hold this letter of Everard’s writing, and yet be obliged to send it away without knowledge of the contents, which perhaps gravely concerned her. She could not ask Miss Barfoot to let her know what Everard had written. The information might perhaps be voluntarily granted; but perhaps not.
Never before had Rhoda been tempted to betray someone's trust, something she would have looked down on in anyone else. She had heard about people secretly opening letters with steam; she wasn't sure if it could be done without getting caught, but she couldn't stop thinking about it for hours. It was awful to hold this letter from Everard and yet have to send it away without knowing what it said, especially since it might be something important for her. She couldn't ask Miss Barfoot to tell her what Everard had written. The information might be given willingly, but it also might not.
To steam the back of the envelope—would it not leave marks, a rumpling or discoloration? Even to be suspected of such dishonour would be more bitter to her than death. Could she even think of it? How she was degraded by this hateful passion, which wrought in her like a disease!
To steam the back of the envelope—wouldn't it leave marks, creasing or stains? Even being suspected of such dishonor would be more painful to her than death. Could she even consider it? How she felt degraded by this awful obsession, which consumed her like an illness!
With two others which that day had arrived she put the letter into a large envelope, and so dispatched it. But no satisfaction rewarded her; her heart raged against the world, against every law of life.
With two others who had arrived that day, she placed the letter in a large envelope and sent it off. But she found no satisfaction; her heart burned with anger towards the world, against every rule of life.
When, in a few days, a letter came to her from Miss Barfoot, she tore it open, and there—yes, there was Everard’s handwriting. Mary had sent the communication for her to read.
When a letter from Miss Barfoot arrived a few days later, she ripped it open, and there—yes, there was Everard’s handwriting. Mary had sent the message for her to read.
“DEAR COUSIN MARY,—After all I was rather too grumpy in my last note to you. But my patience had been desperately tried. I have gone through a good deal; now at last I am recovering sanity, and can admit that you had no choice but to ask those questions. I know and care nothing about Mrs. Widdowson. By her eccentric behaviour she either did me a great injury or a great service, I’m not quite sure which, but I incline to the latter view. Here is a conundrum—not very difficult to solve, I dare say.
“DEAR COUSIN MARY,—I realize I was a bit too grumpy in my last note to you. My patience had really been tested. I've been through a lot, but now I'm finally recovering my sanity and can acknowledge that you had no choice but to ask those questions. I don’t know or care anything about Mrs. Widdowson. Her strange behavior either did me a great harm or a great favor; I’m not completely sure which, but I tend to lean towards the latter. Here’s a riddle—not too hard to figure out, I bet.”
“Do you know anything about Arromanches? A very quiet little spot on the Normandy coast. You get to it by an hour’s coach from Bayeux. Not infested by English. I went there on an invitation from the Brissendens; who discovered the place last year. Excellent people these. I like them better the more I know of them. A great deal of quiet liberality—even extreme liberality—in the two girls. They would suit you, I am sure. Well instructed. Agnes, the younger, reads half a dozen languages, and shames me by her knowledge of all sorts of things. And yet delightfully feminine.
“Do you know anything about Arromanches? It’s a really quiet little spot on the Normandy coast. You can get there in about an hour by coach from Bayeux. Not crowded with English tourists. I visited on an invitation from the Brissendens, who discovered the place last year. They’re wonderful people. I like them more the better I get to know them. There’s a lot of quiet generosity—even a bit of extreme generosity—in the two girls. They would be a great fit for you, I’m sure. They are well-educated. Agnes, the younger one, speaks six languages and impresses me with her knowledge about all kinds of things. And yet, she remains wonderfully feminine.
“As they were going to Ostend I thought I might as well follow them, and we continue to see each other pretty frequently.
“As they were heading to Ostend, I figured I might as well follow them, and we still see each other quite often.”
“By-the-bye, I shall have to find new quarters if I come back to London. The engineer, back from Italy after a longer absence than he anticipated, wants his flat, and of course must have it. But then I may not come back at all, except to gather my traps. I shall not call on you, unless I have heard that you don’t doubt the assurance I have now twice given.—Your profligate relative,
“By the way, I’ll need to find a new place if I come back to London. The engineer, who just returned from Italy after being away longer than he expected, wants his apartment back, and obviously, he should have it. But I might not come back at all, except to pick up my things. I won’t reach out to you unless I hear that you’re convinced by the assurance I’ve given you twice now.—Your wayward relative,
E. B.”
E. B.
“I think,” wrote Mary, “that we may safely believe him. Such a lie would be too bad; he is incapable of it. Remember, I have never charged him with falsehood. I shall write and tell him that I accept his word. Has it, or has it not, occurred to you to see Mrs. Widdowson herself? Or, if there are insuperable objections, why not see Miss Madden? We talk to each other in a sort of cypher, dear Rhoda. Well, I desire nothing but your good, as I think you know, and you must decide for yourself where that good lies.”
“I think,” Mary wrote, “that we can safely believe him. A lie like that would be too much; he’s just not capable of it. Remember, I’ve never accused him of lying. I’m going to write to him and let him know I trust his word. Have you thought about talking to Mrs. Widdowson herself? Or, if that’s not possible, why not reach out to Miss Madden? We communicate in more of a code, dear Rhoda. Well, I only want what’s best for you, as you know, and you need to decide for yourself what that is.”
Everard’s letter put Rhoda beside herself with wrath. In writing it he knew it would come into her hands; he hoped to sting her with jealousy. So Mrs. Widdowson had done him a service. He was free to devote himself to Agnes Brissenden, with her six languages, her extreme liberality, her feminine charm.
Everard’s letter drove Rhoda into a fit of rage. He knew that she would read it; he wanted to provoke her jealousy. So, Mrs. Widdowson had done him a favor. He was free to focus on Agnes Brissenden, with her six languages, her open-mindedness, and her feminine allure.
If she could not crush out her love for this man she would poison herself—as she had so often decided she would do if ever some hopeless malady, such as cancer, took hold upon her—
If she couldn’t get rid of her love for this man, she would poison herself—as she had often said she would do if a hopeless illness, like cancer, ever took hold of her—
And be content to feed his vanity? To give him the lifelong reflection that, for love of him, a woman excelled by few in qualities of brain and heart had died like a rat?
And be okay with feeding his ego? To give him the lasting image that, for his love, a woman with exceptional intelligence and kindness had wasted away?
She walked about the rooms, here and there, upstairs and downstairs, in a fever of unrest. After all, was he not behaving in the very way she ought to desire? Was he not helping her to hate him? He struck at her with unmanly blows, thinking, no doubt, to quell her pride, and bring her to him in prostrate humility. Never! Even if it were proved in the clearest way that she ought to have believed him she would make no submission. If he loved her he must woo once more.
She wandered through the rooms, up and down, filled with a restless energy. After all, wasn’t he acting exactly how she should want him to? Wasn’t he pushing her to hate him? He attacked her with cowardly insults, probably thinking he could crush her pride and make her submit to him in total humility. No way! Even if it was clearly shown that she should have trusted him, she would never give in. If he loved her, he had to win her over again.
But the suggestion in Mary’s letter was not fruitless. When she had thought over it for a day or two she wrote to Virginia Madden, asking her as a favour to come to Queen’s Road on Saturday afternoon. Virginia quickly replied with a promise to call, and punctually kept the engagement. Though she was much better dressed than in the days previous to Monica’s marriage, she had lost something for which costume could not compensate: her face had no longer that unmistakable refinement which had been wont to make her attire a secondary consideration. A disagreeable redness tinged her eyelids and the lower part of her nose; her mouth was growing coarse and lax, the under-lip hanging a little; she smiled with a shrinking, apologetic shyness only seen in people who have done something to be ashamed of—smiled even when she was endeavouring to look sorrowful; and her glance was furtive. She sat down on the edge of a chair, like an anxious applicant for work or charity, and a moistness of the eyes, which obliged her to use her handkerchief frequently, strengthened this resemblance.
But the suggestion in Mary’s letter wasn’t in vain. After thinking about it for a day or two, she wrote to Virginia Madden, asking her as a favor to come to Queen’s Road on Saturday afternoon. Virginia quickly replied, promising to come, and she arrived right on time. Although she was better dressed than she had been before Monica’s marriage, she had lost something that clothing couldn’t make up for: her face no longer had that unmistakable refinement which had previously made her outfits a secondary consideration. A disagreeable redness tinged her eyelids and the lower part of her nose; her mouth was becoming coarse and slack, with her under-lip drooping slightly; she smiled with a hesitant, apologetic shyness typically seen in people who have something to be ashamed of—she smiled even when she was trying to look sorrowful; and her gaze was shifty. She sat down on the edge of a chair, resembling an anxious job or charity seeker, and the moisture in her eyes, which forced her to use her handkerchief frequently, only added to this resemblance.
Rhoda could not play at smooth phrases with this poor, dispirited woman, whose change during the last few years, and especially during the last twelve months, had often occupied her thoughts in a very unpleasant way. She came almost at once to the subject of their interview.
Rhoda couldn't waste time with comforting words for this sad, defeated woman, whose transformation over the past few years—and especially in the last year—had frequently troubled her mind in an uncomfortable way. She quickly got to the point of their meeting.
“Why have you not been to see me before this?”
“Why haven’t you come to see me before now?”
“I—really couldn’t. The circumstances—everything is so very painful. You know—of course you know what has happened?”
“I really couldn't. The situation—everything is just so painful. You know—of course you know what happened?”
“Of course I do.”
"Absolutely, I do."
“How,” asked Virginia timidly, “did the news first of all reach you?”
“How,” Virginia asked hesitantly, “did you first hear the news?”
“Mr. Widdowson came here and told Miss Barfoot everything.”
“Mr. Widdowson came here and told Miss Barfoot everything.”
“He came? We didn’t know that. Then you have heard the accusation he makes?”
“He came? We didn’t know that. So, you’ve heard the accusation he’s making?”
“Everything.”
“Everything.”
“It is quite unfounded, I do assure you. Monica is not guilty. The poor child has done nothing—it was an indiscretion—nothing more than indiscretion—”
“It’s completely baseless, I assure you. Monica isn’t guilty. The poor girl has done nothing—it was just a mistake—nothing more than a mistake—”
“I am very anxious to believe it. Can you give me certainty? Can you explain Monica’s behaviour—not only on that one occasion, but the deceit she practised at other times? Her husband told Miss Barfoot that she had frequently told him untruths—such as saying that she called here when she certainly did not.”
“I’m really eager to believe it. Can you provide me with some certainty? Can you explain Monica’s behavior—not just that one time, but the lies she told at other times? Her husband told Miss Barfoot that she often lied to him—like saying she came here when she definitely didn’t.”
“I can’t explain that,” lamented Virginia. “Monica won’t tell me why she concealed her movements.”
“I can’t explain that,” Virginia said sadly. “Monica won’t tell me why she hid what she was doing.”
“Then how can you ask me to believe your assurance that she isn’t guilty?”
“Then how can you expect me to believe your assurance that she isn’t guilty?”
The sternness of this question caused Virginia to redden and become utterly disconcerted. She dropped her handkerchief, fumbled for it, breathed hard.
The seriousness of this question made Virginia blush and feel completely flustered. She dropped her handkerchief, struggled to find it, and breathed heavily.
“Oh, Miss Nunn! How can you think Monica—? You know her better; I’m sure you do!”
“Oh, Miss Nunn! How can you think Monica—? You know her better; I’m sure you do!”
“Any human being may commit a crime,” said the other impatiently, exasperated by what seemed to be merely new evidence against Barfoot. “Who knows any one well enough to say that a charge must be unfounded?”
“Any person can commit a crime,” the other person said impatiently, frustrated by what seemed to be just more evidence against Barfoot. “Who really knows someone well enough to claim that an accusation must be false?”
Miss Madden began to sob.
Miss Madden started to cry.
“I’m afraid that is true. But my sister—my dear sister—”
“I’m afraid that's true. But my sister—my dear sister—”
“I didn’t want to distress you. Do command yourself, and let us talk about it calmly.”
“I didn’t want to upset you. Please compose yourself, and let’s discuss it calmly.”
“Yes—I will—I shall be so glad to talk about it with you. Oh, if I could persuade her to return to her husband! He is willing to receive her. I meet him very often on Clapham Common, and—We are living at his expense. When Monica had been with me in my old lodgings for about a week he took these new rooms for us, and Monica consented to remove. But she won’t hear of going back to live with him. He has offered to let us have the house to ourselves, but it’s no use. He writes to her, but she won’t reply. Do you know that he has taken a house at Clevedon—a beautiful house? They were to go to it in a week or two, and Alice and I would have gone to share it with them—then this dreadful thing happened. And Mr. Widdowson doesn’t even insist on her telling him what she keeps secret. He is willing to take her back under any circumstances. And she is so ill—”
“Yes—I will—I’d really love to talk about this with you. Oh, if only I could convince her to go back to her husband! He’s ready to take her back. I run into him quite often at Clapham Common, and—We’re living off him. After Monica stayed with me in my old place for about a week, he got us these new rooms, and Monica agreed to move. But she won’t even consider going back to him. He’s offered to let us have the house to ourselves, but it’s no use. He writes to her, but she doesn’t respond. Did you know he’s rented a house in Clevedon—a gorgeous house? They were supposed to move in a week or two, and Alice and I would have gone to share it with them—then this terrible thing happened. And Mr. Widdowson doesn’t even demand that she tells him what she keeps to herself. He’s willing to take her back no matter what. And she’s so unwell—”
Virginia broke off, as if there were something more that she did not venture to impart. Her cheeks coloured, and she looked distressfully about the room.
Virginia paused, as if there was something more she wanted to say but didn’t feel comfortable sharing. Her cheeks flushed, and she glanced around the room anxiously.
“Seriously ill, do you mean?” inquired Rhoda, with difficulty softening her voice.
“Seriously ill, you mean?” Rhoda asked, struggling to soften her voice.
“She gets up each day, but I’m often afraid that—She has had fainting fits—”
“She gets up every day, but I’m often worried that—She has had fainting spells—”
Rhoda gazed at the speaker with pitiless scrutiny.
Rhoda looked at the speaker with unforgiving attention.
“What can have caused this? Is it the result of her being falsely accused?”
“What could have caused this? Is it because she was falsely accused?”
“Partly that. But—”
"Partly that. But—"
Suddenly Virginia rose, stepped to Rhoda’s side, and whispered a word or two. Rhoda turned pale; her eyes glared fiercely.
Suddenly, Virginia got up, walked over to Rhoda, and whispered a few words. Rhoda went pale; her eyes glared intensely.
“And still you believe her innocent?”
"And still you think she's innocent?"
“She has sworn to me that she is innocent. She says that she has a proof of it which I shall see some day—and her husband also. A presentiment has fixed itself in her mind that she can’t live, and before the end she will tell everything.”
“She has promised me that she is innocent. She says she has proof of it that I will see someday—and her husband too. She has a feeling that she can’t go on living, and before the end, she will reveal everything.”
“Her husband knows of this, of course—of what you have told me?”
“Her husband knows about this, of course—about what you told me?”
“No. She has forbidden me to say anything—and how could I, Miss Nunn? She has made me promise solemnly that he shall not be told. I haven’t even told Alice. But she will know very soon. At the end of September she leaves her place, and will come to London to be with us—for a time at all events. We do so hope that we shall succeed in persuading Monica to go to the house at Clevedon. Mr. Widdowson is keeping it, and will move the furniture from Herne Hill at any moment. Couldn’t you help us, dear Miss Nunn? Monica would listen to you; I am sure she would.”
“No. She’s told me not to say anything—and how could I, Miss Nunn? She made me promise that he wouldn’t be told. I haven’t even mentioned it to Alice. But she’ll find out very soon. At the end of September, she’ll leave her place and come to London to be with us—at least for a while. We really hope we can convince Monica to go to the house in Clevedon. Mr. Widdowson is keeping it and will move the furniture from Herne Hill any day now. Could you help us, dear Miss Nunn? I’m sure Monica would listen to you.”
“I’m afraid I can be of no use,” Rhoda answered coldly.
“I’m afraid I can’t help you,” Rhoda replied coldly.
“She has been hoping to see you.”
“She’s been hoping to see you.”
“She has said so?”
"Did she really say that?"
“Not in so many words—but I am sure she wishes to see you. She has asked about you several times, and when your note came she was very pleased. It would be a great kindness to us—”
“Not in so many words—but I’m sure she wants to see you. She’s asked about you several times, and when your note arrived, she was really happy. It would mean a lot to us—”
“Does she declare that she will never return to her husband?”
“Is she saying that she will never go back to her husband?”
“Yes—I am sorry to say she does. But the poor child believes that she has only a short time to live. Nothing will shake her presentiment. “I shall die, and give no more trouble”—that’s what she always says to me. And a conviction of that kind is so likely to fulfil itself. She never leaves the house, and of course that is very wrong; she ought to go out every day. She won’t see a medical man.”
“Yes—I regret to say she does. But the poor girl believes she has only a short time left to live. Nothing will change her feeling. “I will die, and cause no more trouble”—that’s what she always tells me. And a belief like that is very likely to come true. She never leaves the house, which is obviously not good; she should go out every day. She refuses to see a doctor.”
“Has Mr. Widdowson given her any cause for disliking him?” Rhoda inquired.
“Has Mr. Widdowson given her any reason to dislike him?” Rhoda asked.
“He was dreadfully violent when he discovered—I’m afraid it was natural—he thought the worst of her, and he has always been so devoted to Monica. She says he seemed on the point of killing her. He is a man of very severe nature, I have always thought. He never could bear that Monica should go anywhere alone. They were very, very unhappy, I’m afraid—so ill-matched in almost every respect. Still, under the circumstances—surely she ought to return to him?”
“He was extremely violent when he found out—I’m afraid it was natural—he assumed the worst of her, and he has always been so devoted to Monica. She says he looked like he was about to kill her. I’ve always thought he was a very harsh man. He could never stand the thought of Monica going anywhere by herself. They were very, very unhappy, unfortunately—so mismatched in almost every way. Still, given the situation—she really should go back to him, right?”
“I can’t say. I don’t know.”
“I can’t say. I don’t know.”
Rhoda’s voice signified a conflict of feeling. Had she been disinterested her opinion would not have wavered for a moment; she would have declared that the wife’s inclination must be the only law in such a case. As it was, she could only regard Monica with profound mistrust and repugnance. The story of decisive evidence kept back seemed to her only a weak woman’s falsehood—a fiction due to shame and despair. Undoubtedly it would give some vague relief to her mind if Monica were persuaded to go to Clevedon, but she could not bring herself to think of visiting the suffering woman. Whatever the end might be, she would have no part in bringing it about. Her dignity, her pride, should remain unsullied by such hateful contact.
Rhoda’s voice revealed a mix of emotions. If she had truly been indifferent, her opinion wouldn’t have changed at all; she would have insisted that the wife's feelings should be the only guidance in this situation. But instead, she could only look at Monica with deep distrust and disgust. The story about the key evidence being withheld seemed to her like just a weak woman's lie—something born out of shame and despair. It would certainly bring some vague comfort to her mind if Monica could be encouraged to go to Clevedon, but she just couldn’t imagine visiting the suffering woman. No matter how it turned out, she wouldn’t play a role in making it happen. Her dignity and pride should remain untarnished by such loathsome involvement.
“I mustn’t stay longer,” said Virginia, rising after a painful silence. “I am always afraid to be away from her even for an hour; the fear of dreadful things that might happen haunts me day and night. How glad I shall be when Alice comes!”
“I can’t stay any longer,” Virginia said, getting up after an uncomfortable silence. “I’m always worried about being away from her, even for an hour; the fear of terrible things that could happen haunts me all the time. I’ll be so happy when Alice arrives!”
Rhoda had no words of sympathy. Her commiseration for Virginia was only such as she might have felt for any stranger involved in sordid troubles; all the old friendliness had vanished. Nor would she have been greatly shocked or astonished had she followed Miss Madden on the way to the railway station and seen her, after a glance up and down the street, turn quickly into a public-house, and come forth again holding her handkerchief to her lips. A feeble, purposeless, hopeless woman; type of a whole class; living only to deteriorate—
Rhoda had no words of sympathy. Her pity for Virginia was similar to what she might have felt for a stranger in messy troubles; all the old warmth had disappeared. She wouldn’t have been very shocked or surprised if she had followed Miss Madden to the train station and seen her, after looking up and down the street, quickly enter a bar and come out with her handkerchief to her lips. A weak, aimless, hopeless woman; a representative of a whole class; just living to decline—
Will! Purpose! Was she not in danger of forgetting these watchwords, which had guided her life out of youth into maturity? That poor creature’s unhappiness was doubtless in great measure due to the conviction that in missing love and marriage she had missed everything. So thought the average woman, and in her darkest hours she too had fallen among those poor of spirit, the flesh prevailing. But the soul in her had not finally succumbed. Passion had a new significance; her conception of life was larger, more liberal; she made no vows to crush the natural instincts. But her conscience, her sincerity should not suffer. Wherever destiny might lead, she would still be the same proud and independent woman, responsible only to herself, fulfilling the nobler laws of her existence.
Will! Purpose! Was she not at risk of forgetting these guiding principles that had shaped her journey from youth to adulthood? That poor woman’s unhappiness was largely due to the belief that by missing out on love and marriage, she had missed out on everything. This was a common thought among women, and in her lowest moments, she too had fallen into despair, her desires overpowering her. But her inner spirit had not ultimately given in. Passion took on a new meaning; her view of life became broader and more accepting; she made no promises to suppress her natural instincts. Yet, her conscience and integrity should not be compromised. No matter where fate took her, she would remain the same proud and independent woman, accountable only to herself, upholding the higher principles of her life.
A day or two after this she had guests to dine with her—Mildred Vesper and Winifred Haven. Among the girls whom she had helped to educate, these two seemed by far the most self-reliant, the most courageous and hopeful. In minor details of character they differed widely, and intellectually Miss Haven was far in advance. Rhoda had a strong desire to observe them as they talked about the most various subjects; she knew them well, but hoped to find in them some new suggestion of womanly force which would be of help to her in her own struggle for redemption.
A day or two later, she invited guests over for dinner—Mildred Vesper and Winifred Haven. Among the girls she had helped educate, these two stood out as the most independent, brave, and optimistic. They varied greatly in minor character traits, and intellectually, Miss Haven was far ahead. Rhoda was eager to watch them as they discussed a range of topics; she knew them well but hoped to discover some new insight into womanly strength that could assist her in her own quest for redemption.
It was seldom that either of them ailed anything. Mildred still showed traces of her country breeding; she was the more robust, walked with a heavier step, had less polish of manner. Under strain of any kind Winifred’s health would sooner give way, but her natural vivacity promised long resistance to oppressing influences. Mildred had worked harder, and amid privations of which the other girl knew nothing. She would never distinguish herself, but it was difficult indeed to imagine her repining so long as she had her strength and her congenial friends. Twenty years hence, in all probability, she would keep the same clear, steady eye, the same honest smile, and the same dry humour in her talk. Winifred was more likely to traverse a latitude of storm. For one thing, her social position brought her in the way of men who might fall in love with her, whereas Mildred lived absolutely apart from the male world; doubtless, too, her passions were stronger. She loved literature, spent as much time as possible in study, and had set her mind upon helping to establish that ideal woman’s paper of which there was often talk at Miss Barfoot’s.
It was rare for either of them to be unwell. Mildred still showed signs of her country upbringing; she was sturdier, walked with a heavier step, and had less refinement in her manner. Under any kind of stress, Winifred's health would give in more easily, but her natural liveliness suggested she'd hold up against tough circumstances for a long while. Mildred had worked harder and faced hardships that the other girl knew nothing about. She would never stand out, but it was hard to imagine her feeling sorry for herself as long as she had her strength and her like-minded friends. Twenty years from now, she would probably still have the same clear, steady gaze, the same genuine smile, and the same dry humor in her conversations. Winifred was more likely to face a range of ups and downs. For one thing, her social status put her in contact with men who might fall for her, while Mildred lived completely separate from the male world; undoubtedly, her emotions were also stronger. She loved literature, spent as much time as she could studying, and was determined to help start that ideal women’s magazine that was often talked about at Miss Barfoot’s.
In this company Rhoda felt her old ambitions regaining their power over her. To these girls she was an exemplar; it made her smile to think how little they could dream of what she had experienced during the last few weeks; if ever a moment of discontent assailed them, they must naturally think of her, of the brave, encouraging words she had so often spoken. For a moment she had deserted them, abandoning a course which her reason steadily approved for one that was beset with perils of indignity. It would shame her if they knew the whole truth—and yet she wished it were possible for them to learn that she had been passionately wooed. A contemptible impulse of vanity; away with it!
In this company, Rhoda felt her old ambitions coming back to life. To these girls, she was a role model; it made her smile to think about how little they could imagine what she had gone through in the last few weeks. If they ever felt discontent, they would naturally think of her and the brave, encouraging words she had often spoken. For a moment, she had deserted them, leaving a path that her reason fully approved for one that was filled with risks of humiliation. It would embarrass her if they knew the whole truth—and yet she wished it were possible for them to learn that she had been passionately pursued. A petty impulse of vanity; forget it!
There was a chance, it seemed to her, that during Miss Barfoot’s absence Everard might come to the house. Mary had written to him; he would know that she was away. What better opportunity, if he had not dismissed her memory from his thoughts?
There was a chance, it seemed to her, that during Miss Barfoot’s absence Everard might come to the house. Mary had written to him; he would know that she was away. What better opportunity, if he hadn’t forgotten about her?
Every evening she made herself ready to receive a possible visitor. She took thought for her appearance. But the weeks passed by, Miss Barfoot returned, and Everard had given no sign.
Every evening, she prepared herself to welcome a potential visitor. She considered her appearance carefully. But the weeks went by, Miss Barfoot returned, and Everard hadn't shown any sign.
She would set a date, a limit. If before Christmas he neither came nor wrote all was at an end; after that she would not see him, whatever his plea. And having persuaded herself that this decision was irrevocable, she thought it as well to gratify Miss Barfoot’s curiosity, for by now she felt able to relate what had happened in Cumberland with a certain satisfaction—the feeling she had foreseen when, in the beginning of her acquaintance with Everard, it flattered her to observe his growing interest. Her narrative, to which Mary listened with downcast eyes, presented the outlines of the story veraciously; she told of Everard’s wish to dispense with the legal bond, of her own indecision, and of the issue.
She would set a date, a deadline. If he hadn't shown up or written by Christmas, that would be the end; after that, she wouldn't see him, no matter what excuse he had. And having convinced herself that this decision was final, she figured it was a good idea to satisfy Miss Barfoot’s curiosity, since by then she felt ready to share what had happened in Cumberland with a sense of satisfaction—the feeling she had anticipated when, at the start of her relationship with Everard, it pleased her to notice his growing interest. Her story, which Mary listened to with downcast eyes, accurately presented the main points; she talked about Everard wanting to skip the legal formalities, her own uncertainty, and the outcome.
“When your letter came, could I very well have acted otherwise than I did? It was not a flat refusal to believe him; all I asked was that things should be cleared up before our marriage. For his own sake he ought to have willingly agreed to that. He preferred to take my request as an insult. His unreasonable anger made me angry too. And now I don’t think we shall ever meet again unless as mere acquaintances.”
“When your letter arrived, could I really have acted any differently? It wasn't a total refusal to believe him; all I wanted was for things to be clarified before our marriage. For his own good, he should have agreed to that without hesitation. Instead, he took my request as an insult. His unreasonable anger made me angry as well. And now I don't think we'll ever meet again, except as casual acquaintances.”
“I think,” commented the listener, “that he behaved with extraordinary impudence.”
“I think,” said the listener, “that he acted with incredible disrespect.”
“In the first proposal? But I myself attach no importance to the marriage ceremony.”
“In the first proposal? But I personally don’t think the marriage ceremony matters.”
“Then why did you insist upon it?” asked Mary, with a smile that might have become sarcastic but that her eye met Rhoda’s.
“Then why did you insist on it?” asked Mary, smiling in a way that could have been sarcastic if her gaze hadn't met Rhoda’s.
“Would you have received us?”
"Would you have accepted us?"
“In the one case as readily as in the other.”
“In both cases just as easily.”
Rhoda was silent and darkly thoughtful.
Rhoda was quiet and lost in deep thought.
“Perhaps I never felt entire confidence in him.”
“Maybe I never fully trusted him.”
Mary smiled and sighed.
Mary smiled and sighed.
CHAPTER XXVIII
THE BURDEN OF FUTILE SOULS
“My own dearest love, if I could but describe to you all I have suffered before sitting down to write this letter! Since our last meeting I have not known one hour of quietness. To think that I missed you when you called and left that note—for it was you yourself, was it not? The journey was horrible, and the week that I have spent here—I assure you I have not slept for more than a few minutes at a time, and I am utterly broken down by misery. My darling”—etc. “I regard myself as a criminal; if you have suffered a thousandth part of what I have, I deserve any punishment that could be devised. For it has all been my fault. Knowing as I did that our love could never end in happiness, it was my duty to hide what I felt. I ought never to have contrived that first meeting alone—for it was contrived; I sent my sisters away on purpose. I ought never”—etc. “The only reflection that can ever bring me comfort is that our love has been pure. We can always think of each other without shame. And why should this love ever have an end? We are separated, and perhaps shall never see each other again, but may not our hearts remain for ever true? May we not think”—etc. “If I were to bid you leave your home and come to me, I should be once more acting with base selfishness. I should ruin your life, and load my own with endless self-reproach. I find that even mere outward circumstances would not allow of what for a moment we dreamt might be possible, and of that I am glad, since it helps me to overcome the terrible temptation. Oh, if you knew how that temptation”—etc. “Time will be a friend to both of us, dearest Monica. Forget each other we never can, we never will. But our unsullied love”—etc.
"My dearest love, if only I could explain everything I've endured before sitting down to write this letter! Since we last met, I haven't had a single quiet moment. It's unbearable to think that I missed you when you called and left that note—it was you, right? The journey was awful, and the week I've spent here—I can tell you I've barely slept for more than a few minutes at a time, and I'm completely worn out from misery. My darling—” etc. “I feel like a criminal; if you have experienced even a fraction of what I have, I deserve any punishment imaginable. It’s all been my fault. Knowing as I did that our love couldn't lead to happiness, I should have hidden my feelings. I should never have arranged that first meeting alone—for it was planned; I sent my sisters away on purpose. I should never—” etc. “The only thought that brings me any comfort is that our love has been pure. We can always think of each other without shame. And why should this love ever end? We’re apart, and perhaps we may never see each other again, but can our hearts not remain forever true? Can we not think—” etc. “If I were to ask you to leave your home and come to me, I would once again be acting out of selfishness. I would ruin your life and burden my own with endless regret. Even external circumstances wouldn't allow for what we briefly imagined could be possible, and I’m glad for that, as it helps me resist the terrible temptation. Oh, if you only knew how that temptation—” etc. “Time will be a friend to both of us, dear Monica. We can never forget each other, we never will. But our untainted love—” etc.
Monica read it through again, the long rigmarole. Since the day that she received it—addressed to “Mrs. Williamson” at the little stationer’s by Lavender Hill—the day before she consented to accompany her sister into new lodgings—the letter had lain in its hiding-place. Alone this afternoon, for Virginia was gone to call on Miss Nunn, alone and miserable, every printed page a weariness to her sight, she took out the French-stamped envelope and tried to think that its contents interested her. But not a word had power of attraction or of repulsion. The tender phrases affected her no more than if they had been addressed to a stranger. Love was become a meaningless word. She could not understand how she had ever drifted into such relations with the writer. Fear and anger were the sole passions surviving in her memory from those days which had violently transformed her life, and it was not with Bevis, but her husband, that these emotions were connected. Bevis’s image stood in that already distant past like a lay figure, the mere semblance of a man. And with such conception of him his letter corresponded; it was artificial, lifeless, as if extracted from some vapid novel.
Monica read it again, the long mess of words. Since the day she got it—addressed to “Mrs. Williamson” at the little stationery shop by Lavender Hill—the day before she agreed to move into new lodgings with her sister—the letter had been hidden away. Alone this afternoon, since Virginia had gone to visit Miss Nunn, feeling lonely and miserable, every printed page a strain on her eyes, she pulled out the French-stamped envelope and tried to convince herself that its contents interested her. But not a single word held any allure or aversion. The sweet phrases affected her no more than if they had been meant for a stranger. Love had become an empty word. She couldn’t comprehend how she had ever gotten into such a relationship with the writer. Fear and anger were the only emotions left in her memory from those days that had drastically changed her life, and it wasn’t Bevis, but her husband, that these feelings were linked to. Bevis's image lingered in that already distant past like a mannequin, just a hollow representation of a man. And with such a view of him, his letter matched; it felt artificial, lifeless, as if taken from some dull novel.
But she must not destroy it. Its use was still to come. Letter and envelope must go back again into hiding, and await the day which would give them power over human lives.
But she must not destroy it. Its use was yet to come. The letter and envelope had to be hidden away again and wait for the day that would give them power over people's lives.
Suffering, as always, from headache and lassitude, she sat by the window and watched the people who passed along—her daily occupation. This sitting-room was on the ground floor. In a room above some one was receiving a music lesson; every now and then the teacher’s voice became audible, raised in sharp impatience, and generally accompanied by a clash upon the keys of the piano. At the area gate of the house opposite a servant was talking angrily with a tradesman’s errand boy, who at length put his thumb to his nose with insulting significance and scampered off. Then, at the house next to that one, there stopped a cab, from which three busy-looking men alighted. Cabs full of people were always stopping at that door. Monica wondered what it meant, who might live there. She thought of asking the landlady.
Suffering, as always, from a headache and fatigue, she sat by the window and watched the people pass by—her daily routine. This living room was on the ground floor. In a room above, someone was getting a music lesson; every so often, the teacher’s voice became audible, raised in sharp frustration, usually accompanied by a clash on the piano keys. At the gate of the house across the street, a servant was arguing angrily with a delivery boy, who eventually put his thumb to his nose in a rude gesture and ran off. Then, at the house next to that one, a taxi pulled up, and three busy-looking men got out. Taxis full of people often stopped at that door. Monica wondered what it meant and who might live there. She considered asking the landlady.
Virginia’s return aroused her. She went upstairs with her sister into the double-bedded room which they occupied.
Virginia’s return woke her up. She went upstairs with her sister into the shared room they slept in.
“What have you heard?”
“What have you heard?”
“He went there. He told them everything.”
“He went there. He told them everything.”
“How did Miss Nunn look? How did she speak?”
“How did Miss Nunn look? How did she talk?”
“Oh, she was very, very distant,” lamented Virginia. “I don’t quite know why she sent for me. She said there would be no use in her coming to see you—and I don’t think she ever will. I told her that there was no truth in—”
“Oh, she was really, really distant,” Virginia said sadly. “I don’t really know why she called for me. She said there would be no point in her coming to see you—and I don’t think she ever will. I told her that there was no truth in—”
“But how did she look?” asked Monica impatiently.
“But how did she look?” Monica asked, impatiently.
“Not at all well, I thought. She had been away for her holiday, but it doesn’t seem to have done her much good.”
“Not at all well, I thought. She had been on vacation, but it doesn’t seem to have helped her much.”
“He went there and told them everything?”
“He went there and told them everything?”
“Yes—just after it happened. But he hasn’t seen them since that. I could see they believed him. It was no use all that I said. She looked so stern and—”
“Yes—right after it happened. But he hasn’t seen them since then. I could tell they believed him. Nothing I said made a difference. She looked so serious and—”
“Did you ask anything about Mr. Barfoot?”
“Did you ask anything about Mr. Barfoot?”
“My dear, I didn’t venture to. It was impossible. But I feel quite sure that they must have broken off all intercourse with him. Whatever he may have said, they evidently didn’t believe it. Miss Barfoot is away now.”
“My dear, I didn’t dare to. It was impossible. But I’m pretty sure they must have cut off all contact with him. No matter what he said, they clearly didn’t believe it. Miss Barfoot is gone now.”
“And what did you tell her about me?”
"And what did you say about me?"
“Everything that you said I might, dear.”
“Everything you mentioned, I might, dear.”
“Nothing else—you are sure?”
"Are you sure that's it?"
Virginia coloured, but made asseveration that nothing else had passed her lips.
Virginia blushed but insisted that nothing else had come out of her mouth.
“It wouldn’t have mattered if you had,” said Monica indifferently. “I don’t care.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered if you had,” Monica said casually. “I don’t care.”
The sister, struggling with shame, was irritated by the needlessness of her falsehood.
The sister, dealing with shame, was annoyed by the pointlessness of her lie.
“Then why were you so particular to forbid me, Monica?”
“Then why were you so insistent on forbidding me, Monica?”
“It was better—but I don’t care. I don’t care for anything. Let them believe and say what they like—”
“It was better—but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything. Let them believe and say whatever they want—”
“Monica, if I find out at last that you have deceived me—”
“Monica, if I find out that you have lied to me—”
“Oh, do, do, do be quiet!” cried the other wretchedly. “I shall go somewhere and live alone—or die alone. You worry me—I’m tired of it.”
“Oh, please, just be quiet!” the other cried miserably. “I’m going to go somewhere and live on my own—or die alone. You’re stressing me out—I’m so tired of this.”
“You are not very grateful, Monica.”
"You're not very appreciative, Monica."
“I can’t be grateful! You must expect nothing from me. If you keep talking and questioning I shall go away. I don’t care what becomes of me. The sooner I die the better.”
“I can’t be grateful! You shouldn’t expect anything from me. If you keep talking and asking questions, I’ll just leave. I don’t care what happens to me. The sooner I’m gone, the better.”
Scenes such as this had been frequent lately. The sisters were a great trial to each other’s nerves. Tedium and pain drove Monica to the relief of altercation, and Virginia, through her secret vice, was losing all self-control. They wrangled, wailed, talked of parting, and only became quiet when their emotions had exhausted them. Yet no ill-feeling resulted from these disputes. Virginia had a rooted faith in her sister’s innocence; when angry, she only tried to provoke Monica into a full explanation of the mystery, so insoluble by unaided conjecture. And Monica, say what she might, repaid this confidence with profound gratitude. Strangely, she had come to view herself as not only innocent of the specific charge brought against her, but as a woman in every sense maligned. So utterly void of significance, from her present point of view, was all that had passed between her and Bevis. One reason for this lay in the circumstance that, when exchanging declarations with her lover, she was ignorant of a fact which, had she known it, would have made their meetings impossible. Her husband she could never regard but as a cruel enemy; none the less, nature had set a seal upon their marriage against which the revolt of her heart was powerless. If she lived to bear a child, that child would be his. Widdowson, when he heard of her condition, would declare it the final proof of infidelity; and this injustice it was that exclusively occupied her mind. On this account she could think only of the accusation which connected her name with Barfoot’s—all else was triviality. Had there been no slightest ground for imputation upon her conduct, she could not have resented more vigorously her husband’s refusal to acquit her of dishonour.
Scenes like this had been happening a lot lately. The sisters really tested each other's patience. Boredom and pain pushed Monica to seek relief in arguments, while Virginia, due to her hidden weakness, was losing all self-control. They fought, cried, talked about separating, and only fell silent when their emotions wore them out. Still, there was no bad feeling from these quarrels. Virginia deeply believed in her sister’s innocence; when she was angry, she just tried to get Monica to explain the mystery that was impossible to solve on her own. And Monica, no matter what she said, felt a deep gratitude for this trust. Strangely, she had started to see herself not only as innocent of the specific accusation against her but also as a woman who was wrongly judged in every way. From her current perspective, everything that had happened between her and Bevis seemed completely insignificant. One reason for this was that, during her romantic exchanges with her lover, she was unaware of a fact that, if she had known, would have made their meetings impossible. She could never see her husband as anything other than a cruel enemy; still, nature had bound them together in marriage so that her heart's rebellion was helpless. If she lived to have a child, that child would belong to him. When Widdowson found out about her situation, he would label it as the ultimate proof of betrayal; and that injustice was what occupied her thoughts entirely. Because of this, she could only focus on the accusation that linked her to Barfoot—all else felt trivial. If there had been even the slightest reason to doubt her behavior, she would have resented her husband’s refusal to clear her of dishonor even more fiercely.
On the following day, after their early dinner, Monica unexpectedly declared that she must go out.
On the next day, after their early dinner, Monica suddenly announced that she had to go out.
“Come with me. We’ll go into the town.”
“Come with me. We’ll head into town.”
“But you refused to go out this morning when it was fine,” complained Virginia. “And now you can see it will rain.”
“But you didn’t want to go out this morning when it was nice,” Virginia complained. “And now you can see it’s going to rain.”
“Then I shall go alone.”
“Then I'll go alone.”
The sister at once started up.
The sister quickly got up.
“No, no; I’m quite ready. Where do you wish—”
“No, no; I’m totally ready. Where do you want—”
“Anywhere out of this dead place. We’ll go by train, and walk from Victoria—anywhere. To the Abbey, if you like.”
“Anywhere out of this boring place. We’ll take the train and walk from Victoria—anywhere. To the Abbey, if you want.”
“You must be very careful not to catch cold. After all this time that you haven’t left the house—”
“You need to be really careful not to catch a cold. After all this time you’ve been stuck at home—”
Monica cut short the admonition and dressed herself with feverish impatience. As they set forth, drops of rain had begun to fall, but Monica would not hear of waiting. The journey by train made her nervous, but affected her spirits favourably. At Victoria it rained so heavily that they could not go out into the street.
Monica interrupted the warning and quickly got dressed with restless impatience. As they left, it started to rain, but Monica refused to wait. The train ride made her anxious, but it also lifted her spirits. At Victoria, it was raining so hard that they couldn’t go outside.
“It doesn’t matter. There’s plenty to see here. Let us walk about and look at things. We’ll buy something at the bookstall to take back.”
“It doesn’t matter. There’s a lot to see here. Let’s walk around and check things out. We’ll buy something at the bookstall to take with us.”
As they turned again towards the platform, Monica was confronted by a face which she at once recognized, though it had changed noticeably in the eighteen months since she last saw it. The person was Miss Eade, her old acquaintance at the shop. But the girl no longer dressed as in those days; cheap finery of the “loudest” description arrayed her form, and it needed little scrutiny to perceive that her thin cheeks were artificially reddened. The surprise of the meeting was not Monica’s only reason for evincing embarrassment. Seeing that Miss Eade was uncertain whether to make a sign of acquaintance, she felt it would be wiser to go by. But this was not permitted. As they were passing each other the girl bent her head and whispered—
As they turned back toward the platform, Monica saw a familiar face that she recognized immediately, even though it had changed a lot in the eighteen months since she last saw it. It was Miss Eade, her old coworker from the shop. But the girl was no longer dressed like she was back then; she wore cheap, flashy clothes that drew attention, and it was clear upon closer inspection that her thin cheeks were artificially reddened. Monica's surprise at the encounter wasn't the only reason she felt embarrassed. Noticing that Miss Eade seemed unsure whether to acknowledge her, Monica thought it would be better to just walk past. But that wasn't going to happen. As they passed each other, the girl tilted her head and whispered—
“I want to speak to you—just a minute.”
“I want to talk to you—just for a minute.”
Virginia perceived the communication, and looked in surprise at her sister.
Virginia noticed the message and looked at her sister in surprise.
“It’s one of the girls from Walworth Road,” said Monica. “Just walk on; I’ll meet you at the bookstall.”
“It’s one of the girls from Walworth Road,” Monica said. “Just keep walking; I’ll catch up with you at the bookstall.”
“But, my dear, she doesn’t look respectable—”
“But, my dear, she doesn’t seem respectable—”
“Go on; I won’t be a minute.”
“Go ahead; I won’t be a minute.”
Monica motioned to Miss Eade, who followed her towards a more retired spot.
Monica gestured to Miss Eade, who followed her to a more secluded area.
“You have left the shop?”
"Did you leave the shop?"
“Left—I should think so. Nearly a year ago. I told you I shouldn’t stand it much longer. Are you married?”
“Left—I would think so. Almost a year ago. I told you I couldn’t take it much longer. Are you married?”
“Yes.”
"Yep."
Monica did not understand why the girl should eye her so suspiciously.
Monica couldn't figure out why the girl was looking at her with such suspicion.
“You are?” said Miss Eade. “Nobody that I know, I suppose?”
“You are?” Miss Eade said. “I don't think I know you?”
“Quite a stranger to you.”
"Pretty unfamiliar to you."
The other made an unpleasant click with her tongue, and looked vaguely about her. Then she remarked inconsequently that she was waiting the arrival of her brother by train.
The other person made an annoying clicking sound with her tongue and looked around aimlessly. Then she mentioned, a bit off-topic, that she was waiting for her brother to arrive by train.
“He’s a traveller for a West-end shop; makes five hundred a year. I keep house for him, because of course he’s a widower.”
“He’s a salesman for a West-end shop; he makes five hundred a year. I manage the household for him, since he’s a widower.”
The “of course” puzzled Monica for a moment, but she remembered that it was an unmeaning expletive much used by people of Miss Eade’s education. However, the story did not win her credence; by this time her disagreeable surmises had too much support.
The “of course” confused Monica for a moment, but she recalled that it was a meaningless filler often used by people with Miss Eade’s background. Still, the story didn’t earn her trust; by now, her unpleasant suspicions had too much backing.
“Was there anything you wished particularly to speak about?”
“Is there anything specific you wanted to talk about?”
“You haven’t seen nothing of Mr. Bullivant?”
“You haven’t seen anything of Mr. Bullivant?”
To what a remote period of her life this name seemed to recall Monica! She glanced quickly at the speaker, and again detected suspicion in her eyes.
To how distant a time in her life this name made Monica think! She quickly looked at the person speaking and once more noticed suspicion in her eyes.
“I have neither seen nor heard of him since I left Walworth Road. Isn’t he still there?”
“I haven't seen or heard from him since I left Walworth Road. Is he not there anymore?”
“Not he. He went about the same time you did, and nobody knew where he hid himself.”
“Not him. He left around the same time you did, and no one knew where he went.”
“Hid? Why should he hide?”
"Hid? Why would he hide?"
“I only mean he got out of sight somewheres. I thought perhaps you might have come across him.”
"I just mean he disappeared somewhere. I thought maybe you might have seen him."
“No, I haven’t. Now I must say good-bye. That lady is waiting for me.”
“No, I haven’t. Now I have to say goodbye. That woman is waiting for me.”
Miss Eade nodded, but immediately altered her mind and checked Monica as she was turning away.
Miss Eade nodded but quickly changed her mind and stopped Monica as she was turning away.
“You wouldn’t mind telling me what your married name may be?”
“You wouldn’t mind telling me what your married name is?”
“That really doesn’t concern you, Miss Eade,” replied the other stiffly. “I must go—”
“That really doesn’t concern you, Miss Eade,” the other replied stiffly. “I have to go—”
“If you don’t tell me, I’ll follow you till I find out, and chance it!”
“If you don’t tell me, I’ll follow you until I find out, and take my chances!”
The change from tolerable civility to coarse insolence was so sudden that Monica stood in astonishment. There was unconcealed malignity in the gaze fixed upon her.
The shift from acceptable politeness to rude disrespect was so abrupt that Monica was left in shock. There was clear hostility in the stare aimed at her.
“What do you mean? What interest have you in learning my name?”
“What do you mean? Why do you want to know my name?”
The girl brought her face near, and snarled in the true voice of the pavement—
The girl leaned in close and hissed in the genuine voice of the pavement—
“Is it a name as you’re ashamed to let out?”
“Is it a name you're too embarrassed to say out loud?”
Monica walked away to the bookstall. When she had joined her sister, she became aware that Miss Eade was keeping her in sight.
Monica walked over to the bookstall. When she rejoined her sister, she noticed that Miss Eade was keeping an eye on her.
“Let us buy a book,” she said, “and go home again. The rain won’t stop.”
“Let’s buy a book,” she said, “and go home. The rain isn’t going to stop.”
They selected a cheap volume, and, having their return tickets, moved towards the departure platform. Before she could reach the gates Monica heard Miss Eade’s voice just behind her; it had changed again, and the appealing note reminded her of many conversations in Walworth Road.
They picked a budget book, and with their return tickets in hand, headed to the departure platform. Before she could get to the gates, Monica heard Miss Eade's voice right behind her; it had shifted again, and the familiar tone reminded her of countless talks on Walworth Road.
“Do tell me! I beg your pardon for bein’ rude. Don’t go without telling me.”
“Please tell me! I'm sorry for being rude. Don't leave without telling me.”
The meaning of this importunity had already flashed upon Monica, and now she felt a slight pity for the tawdry, abandoned creature, in whom there seemed to survive that hopeless passion of old days.
The meaning of this insistence had already struck Monica, and now she felt a bit of pity for the cheap, neglected person, in whom there seemed to linger that desperate passion from the past.
“My name,” she said abruptly, “is Mrs. Widdowson.”
“My name,” she said suddenly, “is Mrs. Widdowson.”
“Are you telling me the truth?”
“Are you being honest with me?”
“I have told you what you wish to know. I can’t talk—”
“I’ve told you what you want to know. I can’t talk—”
“And you don’t really know nothing about him?”
“And you really don’t know anything about him?”
“Nothing whatever.”
“Nothing at all.”
Miss Eade moved sullenly away, not more than half convinced. Long after Monica’s disappearance she strayed about the platform and the approaches to the station. Her brother was slow in arriving. Once or twice she held casual colloquy with men who also stood waiting—perchance for their sisters; and ultimately one of these was kind enough to offer her refreshment, which she graciously accepted. Rhoda Nunn would have classed her and mused about her: a not unimportant type of the odd woman.
Miss Eade walked away sadly, feeling only partly convinced. Long after Monica had left, she wandered around the platform and the paths leading to the station. Her brother was taking his time to arrive. Once or twice, she chatted casually with men who were also waiting—maybe for their sisters; eventually, one of them kindly offered her something to drink, which she gratefully accepted. Rhoda Nunn would have categorized her and thought about her: a significant example of the unconventional woman.
* * *
Understood! Please provide the short piece of text you'd like me to modernize or keep unchanged.
After this Monica frequently went out, always accompanied by her sister. It happened more than once that they saw Widdowson, who walked past the house at least every other day; he didn’t approach them, and had he done so Monica would have kept an obstinate silence.
After this, Monica often went out, always with her sister by her side. More than once, they saw Widdowson walking past their house at least every other day; he didn’t come over, and if he had, Monica would have remained stubbornly silent.
For more than a fortnight he had not written to her. At length there came a letter, merely a repetition of his former appeals.
For more than two weeks, he hadn’t written to her. Finally, a letter arrived, just a repeat of his previous requests.
“I hear,” he wrote, “that your elder sister is coming to London. Why should she live here in lodgings, when a comfortable house is at the disposal of you all? Let me again entreat you to go to Clevedon. The furniture shall be moved any moment you wish. I solemnly promise not to molest you in any way, not even by writing. It shall be understood that business makes it necessary for me to live in London. For your sister’s sake do accept this offer. If I could see you in private, I should be able to give you a very good reason why your sister Virginia would benefit by the change; perhaps you yourself know of it. Do answer me, Monica. Never again will I refer by word or look to what has passed. I am anxious only to put an end to the wretched life that you are leading. Do go to the house at Clevedon, I implore you.”
“I’ve heard,” he wrote, “that your older sister is coming to London. Why should she stay in a rental when a nice house is available for you all? I urge you once more to go to Clevedon. The furniture can be moved whenever you need it. I solemnly promise not to bother you in any way, not even with a message. It will be understood that work is the reason I need to live in London. For your sister’s sake, please accept this offer. If I could talk to you privately, I could give you a really good reason why your sister Virginia would benefit from the change; maybe you already know it. Please reply, Monica. I will never again mention by word or glance what has happened. I only want to end the miserable life you are living. Please go to the house in Clevedon; I beg you.”
It was not the first time he had hinted darkly at a benefit that might accrue to Virginia if she left London. Monica had no inkling of what he meant. She showed her sister this communication, and asked if she could understand the passage which concerned her.
It wasn't the first time he had suggested that Virginia might gain something if she left London. Monica had no idea what he meant. She showed her sister this message and asked if she could make sense of the part that was about her.
“I haven’t the least idea,” Virginia replied, her hand trembling as she held the paper. “I can only suppose that he thinks that I am not looking well.”
“I have no idea,” Virginia replied, her hand shaking as she held the paper. “I can only guess that he thinks I don’t look well.”
The letter was burnt, as all the others had been, no answer vouchsafed. Virginia’s mind seemed to waver with regard to the proposed settlement at Clevedon. Occasionally she had urged Monica, with extreme persistence, to accept what was offered; at other times, as now, for instance, she said nothing. Yet Alice had written beseeching her to use all means for Monica’s persuasion. Miss Madden infinitely preferred the thought of dwelling at Clevedon—however humble the circumstances had been—to that of coming back into London lodgings whilst she sought for a new engagement. The situation she was about to quit had proved more laborious than any in her experience. At first merely a governess, she had gradually become children’s nurse as well, and for the past three months had been expected to add the tendance of a chronic invalid to her other duties. Not a day’s holiday since she came. She was broken down and utterly woebegone.
The letter was burned, just like all the others, with no response given. Virginia’s mind seemed to waver about the proposed settlement at Clevedon. Sometimes she had pushed Monica, quite insistently, to accept what was offered; other times, like now, she said nothing. Yet Alice had written, pleading with her to do everything she could to persuade Monica. Miss Madden much preferred the idea of living in Clevedon—no matter how modest the situation was—over returning to a London apartment while she looked for another job. The place she was about to leave had been more exhausting than anything she had ever experienced. Initially just a governess, she had gradually taken on the role of children's nurse as well, and for the past three months, she had also been expected to care for a chronic invalid on top of her other responsibilities. Not a single day off since she arrived. She was overwhelmed and completely dejected.
But Monica could not be moved. She refused to go again under her husband’s roof until he had stated that his charge against her was absolutely unfounded. This concession went beyond Widdowson’s power; he would forgive, but still declined to stultify himself by a statement that could have no meaning. To what extent his wife had deceived him might be uncertain, but the deception was a proved fact. Of course it never occurred to him that Monica’s demand had a significance which emphasized the name of Barfoot. Had he said, “I am convinced that your relations with Barfoot were innocent,” he would have seemed to himself to be acquitting her of all criminality; whereas Monica, from her point of view, illogically supposed that he might credit her on this one issue without overthrowing all the evidence that declared her untrustworthy. In short, she expected him to read a riddle which there was scarcely a possibility of his understanding.
But Monica couldn't be persuaded. She refused to go back under her husband's roof until he declared that his accusations against her were completely unfounded. This demand was beyond Widdowson’s capability; he would forgive her, but he wasn't willing to make a statement that held no real meaning. How much his wife had deceived him was uncertain, but the fact that she had deceived him was clear. It never crossed his mind that Monica’s demand had a meaning that highlighted the name Barfoot. If he had said, “I believe your relationship with Barfoot was innocent,” he would have felt like he was exonerating her of any wrongdoing; however, Monica, viewing it from her perspective, illogically assumed that he could believe her on this one matter without ignoring all the evidence that painted her as untrustworthy. In short, she expected him to solve a puzzle that he had little chance of understanding.
Alice was in correspondence with the gloomy husband. She promised him to use every effort to gain Monica’s confidence. Perhaps as the eldest sister she might succeed where Virginia had failed. Her faith in Monica’s protestations had been much shaken by the item of intelligence which Virginia secretly communicated; she thought it too likely that her unhappy sister saw no refuge from disgrace but in stubborn denial of guilt. And in the undertaking that was before her she had no hope save through the influence of religion—with her a much stronger force than with either of the others.
Alice was keeping in touch with the gloomy husband. She promised him that she would do everything she could to earn Monica’s trust. Maybe as the older sister, she could succeed where Virginia had not. Her belief in Monica’s claims had been seriously shaken by the information that Virginia had secretly shared; she thought it was very probable that her troubled sister saw no escape from shame except through a stubborn denial of guilt. As she faced the task ahead of her, she had no hope except through the power of faith—something that was a much stronger influence for her than it was for either of the others.
Her arrival was expected on the last day of September. The evening before, Monica went to bed soon after eight o’clock; for a day or two she had suffered greatly, and at length had allowed a doctor to be called. Whenever her sister retired very early, Virginia also went to her own bedroom, saying that she preferred to sit there.
Her arrival was expected on the last day of September. The night before, Monica went to bed soon after eight o’clock; for a day or two, she had been in a lot of pain and finally agreed to have a doctor called. Whenever her sister went to bed really early, Virginia also headed to her own room, saying she preferred to just sit there.
The room much surpassed in comfort that which she had occupied at Mrs. Conisbee’s; it was spacious, and provided with a couple of very soft armchairs. Having locked her door, Virginia made certain preparations which had nothing to do with natural repose. From the cupboard she brought out a little spirit-kettle, and put water to boil. Then from a more private repository were produced a bottle of gin and a sugar-basin, which, together with a tumbler and spoon, found a place on a little table drawn up within reach of the chair where she was going to sit. On the same table lay a novel procured this afternoon from the library. Whilst the water was boiling, Virginia made a slight change of dress, conducive to bodily ease. Finally, having mixed a glass of gin and water—one-third only of the diluent—she sat down with one of her frequent sighs and began to enjoy the evening.
The room was way more comfortable than the one she had at Mrs. Conisbee’s; it was big and had a couple of really soft armchairs. After locking her door, Virginia went through some preparations that weren't about getting rest. She took out a small kettle from the cupboard and put water on to boil. Then, from a more private stash, she pulled out a bottle of gin and a sugar bowl, which, along with a tumbler and a spoon, found a spot on a small table she pulled close to the chair where she planned to sit. On the same table was a novel she had picked up that afternoon from the library. While the water boiled, Virginia changed her clothes a bit to be more comfortable. Finally, after mixing a glass of gin and water—just one-third water—she sat down with one of her usual sighs and started to enjoy the evening.
The last, the very last, of such enjoyment; so she assured herself. Alice’s presence in the house would render impossible what she had hitherto succeeded in disguising from Monica. Her conscience welcomed the restraint, which was coming none too soon, for her will could no longer be depended upon. If she abstained from strong liquors for three or four days it was now a great triumph; yet worthless, for even in abstaining she knew that the hour of indulgence had only been postponed. A fit of unendurable depression soon drove her to the only resource which had immediate efficacy. The relief, she knew, was another downward step; but presently she would find courage to climb back again up to the sure ground. Save for her trouble on Monica’s account the temptation would already have been conquered. And now Alice’s arrival made courage a mere necessity.
The last, the very last, of such enjoyment; so she told herself. Alice’s presence in the house would make it impossible to hide from Monica what she had been managing to disguise until now. Her conscience welcomed the restraint, which was coming not a moment too soon, as her willpower had become unreliable. If she stayed away from strong drinks for three or four days, it felt like a huge achievement; yet it was meaningless, because even in her abstinence, she knew that the moment of indulgence had only been delayed. A wave of unbearable sadness soon drove her to the only resource that provided immediate relief. She understood that this relief was just another step downward; but soon enough, she would gather the strength to climb back up to solid ground. If it weren’t for her worries about Monica, she would have already overcome the temptation. Now, with Alice’s arrival, finding courage felt like a necessity.
Her bottle was all but empty; she would finish it to-night, and in the morning, as her custom was, take it back to the grocer’s in her little hand-bag. How convenient that this kind of thing could be purchased at the grocer’s! In the beginning she had chiefly made use of railway refreshment rooms. Only on rare occasions did she enter a public-house, and always with the bitterest sense of degradation. To sit comfortably at home, the bottle beside her, and a novel on her lap, was an avoidance of the worst shame attaching to this vice; she went to bed, and in the morning—ah, the morning brought its punishment, but she incurred no risk of being detected.
Her bottle was almost empty; she would finish it tonight, and in the morning, as she usually did, take it back to the grocer’s in her little handbag. How convenient that this sort of thing could be bought at the grocer’s! At first, she mainly used railway refreshment rooms. She only went into a pub on rare occasions, and always felt a deep sense of shame. Sitting comfortably at home with the bottle beside her and a novel on her lap helped her avoid the worst embarrassment associated with this habit; she would go to bed, and in the morning—ah, the morning brought its consequences, but she didn’t risk getting caught.
Brandy had first of all been her drink, as is generally the case with women of the educated class. There are so many plausible excuses for taking a drop of brandy. But it cost too much. Whisky she had tried, and did not like. Finally she had recourse to gin, which was palatable and very cheap. The name, debased by such foul associations, still confused her when she uttered it; as a rule, she wrote it down in a list of groceries which she handed over the counter.
Brandy had always been her drink, like most women from educated backgrounds. There are plenty of valid reasons for having a bit of brandy. But it was too expensive. She had tried whisky and didn’t like it. In the end, she turned to gin, which was tasty and very affordable. The name, tarnished by such negative associations, still tripped her up when she said it; usually, she wrote it down on a grocery list that she handed over the counter.
To-night she drank her first glass quickly; a consuming thirst was upon her. By half-past eight the second was gently steaming at her elbow. At nine she had mixed the third; it must last a long time, for the bottle was now empty.
To night she quickly finished her first glass; a strong thirst was on her. By 8:30, the second was lightly steaming next to her. By 9, she had mixed the third; it needed to last a while since the bottle was now empty.
The novel entertained her, but she often let her thoughts stray from it; she reflected with exultation that to-night’s indulgence was her very last. On the morrow she would be a new woman. Alice and she would devote themselves to their poor sister, and never rest till they had restored her to a life of dignity. This was a worthy, a noble task; success in it must need minister to her own peace. Before long they would all be living at Clevedon—a life of ideal contentment. It was no longer necessary to think of the school, but she would exert herself for the moral instruction of young women—on the principles inculcated by Rhoda Nunn.
The novel kept her entertained, but she often let her mind wander; she felt thrilled that tonight's indulgence would be her last. Tomorrow, she would be a new woman. She and Alice would focus on their struggling sister and not rest until they helped her regain her dignity. This was a worthy and noble mission; succeeding in it would surely bring her peace. Soon, they would all be living at Clevedon, enjoying a life of ideal happiness. She no longer needed to think about the school, but she would put effort into the moral education of young women based on the principles taught by Rhoda Nunn.
The page before her was no longer legible; the book dropped from her lap. Why this excited her laughter she could not understand; but she laughed for a long time, until her eyes were dim with tears. It might be better to go to bed. What was the hour? She tried vainly to read her watch, and again laughed at such absurd incapacity. Then—
The page in front of her was completely unreadable; the book slipped from her lap. She couldn’t explain why this made her laugh, but she laughed for a long time until her eyes were blurry with tears. It might be better to head to bed. What time was it? She tried unsuccessfully to read her watch and found herself laughing again at such ridiculous inability. Then—
Surely that was a knock at her door? Yes; it was repeated, with a distinct calling of her name. She endeavoured to stand up.
Surely that was a knock on her door? Yes; it came again, clearly calling her name. She tried to get up.
“Miss Madden!” It was the landlady’s voice. “Miss Madden! Are you in bed yet?”
“Miss Madden!” It was the landlady’s voice. “Miss Madden! Are you in bed yet?”
Virginia succeeded in reaching the door.
Virginia succeeded in getting to the door.
“What is it?”
"What's that?"
Another voice spoke.
Another voice spoke.
“It is I, Virginia. I have come this evening instead of to-morrow. Please let me come in.”
“It’s me, Virginia. I came this evening instead of tomorrow. Please let me in.”
“Alice? You can’t—I’ll come—wait downstairs.”
“Alice? You can’t—I’ll be down.”
She was still able to understand the situation, and able, she thought, to speak coherently, to disguise her condition. The things on the table must be put out of sight. In trying to do this, she upset her glass and knocked the empty bottle on to the floor. But in a few minutes bottle, glass, and spirit-kettle were hidden away. The sugar-basin she lost sight of; it still remained in its former place.
She could still grasp the situation and thought she could speak clearly to hide her condition. The items on the table needed to be out of view. In her effort to do this, she tipped over her glass and knocked the empty bottle onto the floor. But in a few minutes, the bottle, glass, and kettle were out of sight. She lost track of the sugar bowl; it still stayed where it was.
Then she opened the door, and with uncertain step went out into the passage.
Then she opened the door and stepped hesitantly into the hallway.
“Alice!” she called aloud.
“Alice!” she shouted.
At once both her sisters appeared, coming out of Monica’s chamber. Monica had partly dressed herself.
At the same time, both her sisters showed up, coming out of Monica’s room. Monica had gotten partially dressed.
“Why have you come to-night?” Virginia exclaimed, in a voice which seemed to her own ears perfectly natural.
“Why have you come tonight?” Virginia exclaimed, in a voice that sounded completely natural to her own ears.
She tottered, and was obliged to support herself against the wall. The light from her room fell full upon her, and Alice, who had stepped forward to give her a kiss, not only saw, but smelt, that something very strange was the matter. The odour proceeding from the bedroom, and that of Virginia’s breath, left small doubt as to the cause of delay in giving admittance.
She wobbled and had to lean against the wall for support. The light from her room shone brightly on her, and Alice, who had stepped forward to give her a kiss, not only saw but also smelled that something was very off. The scent coming from the bedroom and Virginia’s breath made it clear what was causing the delay in letting them in.
Whilst Alice stood bewildered, Monica received an illumination which instantly made clear to her many things in Virginia’s daily life. At the same moment she understood those mysterious hints concerning her sister in Widdowson’s letters.
While Alice stood confused, Monica had a sudden realization that instantly clarified many aspects of Virginia's everyday life. At the same time, she finally understood the cryptic hints about her sister in Widdowson's letters.
“Come into the room,” she said abruptly. “Come, Virgie.”
“Come into the room,” she said suddenly. “Come on, Virgie.”
“I don’t understand—why has Alice come to-night?—what’s the time?”
“I don’t get it—why is Alice here tonight?—what time is it?”
Monica took hold of the tottering woman’s arm and drew her out of the passage. The cold air had produced its natural effect upon Virginia, who now with difficulty supported herself.
Monica grabbed the unsteady woman’s arm and pulled her out of the hallway. The cold air had taken its toll on Virginia, who was now struggling to stay upright.
“O Virgie!” cried the eldest sister, when the door was closed. “What is the matter? What does it mean?”
“O Virgie!” yelled the eldest sister once the door was shut. “What’s going on? What does this mean?”
Already she had been shedding tears at the meeting with Monica, and now distress overcame her; she sobbed and lamented.
Already she had been crying at the meeting with Monica, and now distress took over; she was sobbing and grieving.
“What have you been doing, Virgie?” asked Monica with severity.
“What have you been up to, Virgie?” Monica asked sternly.
“Doing? I feel a little faint—surprise—didn’t expect—”
“Doing? I feel a bit light-headed—surprise—I didn’t see that coming—”
“Sit down at once. You are disgusting! Look, Alice.” She pointed to the sugar-basin on the table; then, after a rapid glance round the room, she went to the cupboard and threw the door open. “I thought so. Look, Alice. And to think I never suspected this! It has been going on a long time—oh, a long time. She was doing it at Mrs. Conisbee’s before I was married. I remember smelling spirits—”
“Sit down right now. You’re gross! Look, Alice.” She pointed to the sugar bowl on the table; then, after quickly checking the room, she went to the cupboard and flung the door open. “I knew it. Look, Alice. And to think I never guessed this! It’s been happening for a long time—oh, a really long time. She was doing it at Mrs. Conisbee’s before I got married. I remember smelling alcohol—”
Virginia was making efforts to rise.
Virginia was trying to get up.
“What are you talking about?” she exclaimed in a thick voice, and with a countenance which was changing from dazed astonishment to anger. “It’s only when I feel faint. Do you suppose I drink? Where’s Alice? Wasn’t Alice here?”
“What are you talking about?” she shouted in a heavy voice, her expression shifting from shocked disbelief to anger. “It’s only when I feel lightheaded. Do you think I drink? Where’s Alice? Wasn’t Alice here?”
“O Virgie! What does it mean? How could you?”
“O Virgie! What does it mean? How could you?”
“Go to bed at once, Virginia,” said Monica. “We’re ashamed of you. Go back into my room, Alice, and I’ll get her to bed.”
“Go to bed right now, Virginia,” Monica said. “We’re embarrassed by you. Go back into my room, Alice, and I’ll get her to bed.”
Ultimately this was done. With no slight trouble, Monica persuaded her sister to undress, and got her into a recumbent position, Virginia all the time protesting that she had perfect command of her faculties, that she needed no help whatever, and was utterly at a loss to comprehend the insults directed against her.
Ultimately this was accomplished. Without much effort, Monica convinced her sister to take off her clothes and lie down, while Virginia continuously insisted that she was completely in control, needed no assistance at all, and was utterly baffled by the insults aimed at her.
“Lie quiet and go to sleep,” was Monica’s last word, uttered contemptuously.
“Lie still and go to sleep,” was Monica’s final word, said with disdain.
She extinguished the lamp and returned to her own room, where Alice was still weeping. The unexpected arrival had already been explained to Monica. Sudden necessity for housing a visitor had led to the proposition that Miss Madden, for her last night, should occupy a servant’s bedroom. Glad to get away, Alice chose the alternative of leaving the house at once. It had been arranged that she should share Virginia’s room, but to-night this did not seem advisable.
She turned off the lamp and went back to her room, where Alice was still crying. Monica had already been informed about the unexpected guest. The urgent need to accommodate a visitor had resulted in the suggestion that Miss Madden, on her final night, should use a servant's room. Eager to leave, Alice opted for the alternative of departing immediately. It had been planned for her to share Virginia’s room, but tonight that didn’t seem like a good idea.
“To-morrow,” said Monica, “we must talk to her very seriously. I believe she has been drinking like that night after night. It explains the look she always has the first thing in the morning. Could you have imagined anything so disgraceful?”
“Tomorrow,” Monica said, “we need to talk to her very seriously. I think she’s been drinking like that night after night. It explains the look she always has first thing in the morning. Could you have imagined anything so disgraceful?”
But Alice had softened towards the erring woman.
But Alice had become more sympathetic towards the mistaken woman.
“You must remember what her life has been, dear. I’m afraid loneliness is very often a cause—”
"You need to remember what her life has been like, dear. I'm afraid loneliness is often a cause—"
“She needn’t have been lonely. She refused to come and live at Herne Hill, and now of course I understand why. Mrs. Conisbee must have known about it, and it was her duty to tell me. Mr. Widdowson had found out somehow, I feel sure.”
“She didn’t have to be lonely. She didn’t want to move to Herne Hill, and now I totally get why. Mrs. Conisbee must have known about it, and it was her responsibility to tell me. I’m sure Mr. Widdowson found out somehow.”
She explained the reason of this belief.
She explained why she believed this.
“You know what it all points to,” said Miss Madden, drying her sallow, pimpled cheeks. “You must do as your husband wishes, dearest. We must go to Clevedon. There the poor girl will be out of temptation.”
“You know what it all means,” said Miss Madden, drying her pale, pimpled cheeks. “You have to do what your husband wants, dear. We need to go to Clevedon. That’s where the poor girl will be away from temptation.”
“You and Virgie may go.”
“You and Virgie can go.”
“You too, Monica. My dear sister, it is your duty.”
“You too, Monica. My dear sister, it's your responsibility.”
“Don’t use that word to me!” exclaimed the other angrily. “It is not my duty. It can be no woman’s duty to live with a man she hates—or even to make a pretence of living with him.”
“Don’t use that word with me!” the other replied angrily. “It is not my responsibility. No woman should have to live with a man she hates—or even pretend to live with him.”
“But, dearest—”
“But, my love—”
“You mustn’t begin this to-night, Alice. I have been ill all day, and now my head is aching terribly. Go downstairs and eat the supper they have laid for you.”
“You shouldn’t start this tonight, Alice. I’ve been sick all day, and now my head is pounding. Go downstairs and eat the dinner they’ve prepared for you.”
“I couldn’t touch a morsel,” sobbed Miss Madden. “Oh, everything is too dreadful! Life is too hard!”
“I couldn’t eat a single bite,” cried Miss Madden. “Oh, everything is so awful! Life is too difficult!”
Monica had returned to bed, and lay there with her face half hidden against the pillow.
Monica had gone back to bed, lying there with her face partly buried in the pillow.
“If you don’t want any supper,” she said in a moment, “please go and tell them, so that they needn’t sit up for you.”
“If you don’t want any dinner,” she said after a moment, “please go tell them, so they don’t have to wait for you.”
Alice obeyed. When she came up again, her sister was, or pretended to be, asleep; even the noise made by bringing luggage into the room did not cause her to move. Having sat in despondency for a while, Miss Madden opened one of her boxes, and sought in it for the Bible which it was her custom to make use of every night. She read in the book for about half an hour, then covered her face with her hands and prayed silently. This was her refuge from the barrenness and bitterness of life.
Alice complied. When she resurfaced, her sister was either asleep or pretending to be; even the sound of luggage being brought into the room didn’t make her stir. After sitting there feeling down for a bit, Miss Madden opened one of her bags and looked for the Bible she usually read every night. She read from it for about half an hour, then covered her face with her hands and prayed quietly. This was her escape from the emptiness and harshness of life.
CHAPTER XXIX
CONFESSION AND COUNSEL
The sisters did not exchange a word until morning, but both of them lay long awake. Monica was the first to lose consciousness; she slept for about an hour, then the pains of a horrid dream disturbed her, and again she took up the burden of thought. Such waking after brief, broken sleep, when mind and body are beset by weariness, yet cannot rest, when night with its awful hush and its mysterious movements makes a strange, dread habitation for the spirit—such waking is a grim trial of human fortitude. The blood flows sluggishly, yet subject to sudden tremors that chill the veins and for an instant choke the heart. Purpose is idle, the will impure; over the past hangs a shadow of remorse, and life that must yet be lived shows lurid, a steep pathway to the hopeless grave. Of this cup Monica drank deeply.
The sisters didn't say a word until morning, but both of them lay awake for a long time. Monica was the first to drift off; she slept for about an hour, then the pains of a terrible dream woke her up, and she picked up the burden of her thoughts again. Waking up after a short, restless sleep—when both mind and body are exhausted but can't find rest—when the night, with its eerie silence and mysterious movements, creates a strange, fearful atmosphere for the spirit—this kind of awakening is a harsh test of human strength. The blood flows slowly, yet it’s prone to sudden chills that freeze the veins and momentarily constrict the heart. Purpose feels pointless, the will is tainted; a shadow of regret looms over the past, and the life that still has to be lived appears grim, a steep path leading to a hopeless grave. Monica drank deeply from this cup.
A fear of death compassed her about. Night after night it had thus haunted her. In the daytime she could think of death with resignation, as a refuge from miseries of which she saw no other end; but this hour of silent darkness shook her with terrors. Reason availed nothing; its exercise seemed criminal. The old faiths, never abandoned, though modified by the breath of intellectual freedom that had just touched her, reasserted all their power. She saw herself as a wicked woman, in the eye of truth not less wicked than her husband declared her. A sinner stubborn in impenitence, defending herself by a paltry ambiguity that had all the evil of a direct lie. Her soul trembled in its nakedness.
A fear of death surrounded her. Night after night, it haunted her. During the day, she could think about death with acceptance, seeing it as an escape from the endless suffering she faced; but in this moment of deep darkness, it filled her with terror. Reason did nothing to help; trying to use it felt wrong. The old beliefs she had never fully let go of, although they had been shaped by the new ideas she’d recently encountered, regained their full strength. She viewed herself as a wicked woman, no less wicked in truth than her husband claimed she was. A sinner who refused to repent, justifying herself with a trivial ambiguity that was as deceitful as an outright lie. Her soul quivered in its vulnerability.
What redemption could there be for her? What path of spiritual health was discoverable? She could not command herself to love the father of her child; the repugnance with which she regarded him seemed to her a sin against nature, yet how was she responsible for it? Would it profit her to make confession and be humbled before him? The confession must some day be made, if only for her child’s sake; but she foresaw in it no relief of mind. Of all human beings her husband was the one least fitted to console and strengthen her. She cared nothing for his pardon; from his love she shrank. But if there were some one to whom she could utter her thoughts with the certainty of being understood—
What hope for redemption did she have? What way to find spiritual peace could she discover? She couldn't force herself to love the father of her child; the disgust she felt towards him seemed like a sin against nature, but how could she be blamed for it? Would it do her any good to confess and humble herself before him? She knew she would have to confess someday, if only for her child's sake; however, she envisioned no relief in it. Of all people, her husband was the least likely to comfort and support her. She didn't care about his forgiveness; she recoiled from his love. But if only there was someone she could share her thoughts with, someone she could trust to understand her—
Her sisters had not the sympathetic intelligence necessary for aiding her; Virginia was weaker than she herself, and Alice dealt only in sorrowful commonplaces, profitable perhaps to her own heart, but powerless over the trouble of another’s. Among the few people she had called her friends there was one strong woman—strong of brain, and capable, it might be, of speaking the words that go from soul to soul; this woman she had deeply offended, yet owing to mere mischance. Whether or no Rhoda Nunn had lent ear to Barfoot’s wooing she must be gravely offended; she had given proof of it in the interview reported by Virginia. The scandal spread abroad by Widdowson might even have been fatal to a happiness of which she had dreamt. To Rhoda Nunn some form of reparation was owing. And might not an avowal of the whole truth elicit from her counsel of gratitude—some solace, some guidance?
Her sisters didn’t have the understanding needed to help her; Virginia was weaker than she was, and Alice only offered her own sad clichés, which might help her feel better but had no effect on someone else’s troubles. Among the few people she considered friends, there was one strong woman—intelligent and capable of saying things that connect deeply; this woman had been seriously offended by her, though it was just a matter of bad luck. Whether Rhoda Nunn had listened to Barfoot’s advances or not, she must feel deeply hurt; she had shown that in the meeting reported by Virginia. The rumors spread by Widdowson might have even ruined a happiness she had hoped for. Rhoda Nunn deserved some kind of reparation. And maybe admitting the whole truth could earn her some advice out of gratitude—some comfort, some direction?
Amid the tremors of night Monica felt able to take this step, for the mere chance of comfort that it offered. But when day came the resolution had vanished; shame and pride again compelled her to silence.
Amid the tremors of night, Monica felt ready to take this step for the slight chance of comfort it offered. But when morning came, her determination had vanished; shame and pride once again forced her into silence.
And this morning she had new troubles to think about. Virginia was keeping her room; would admit no one; answered every whisper of appeal with brief, vague words that signified anything or nothing. The others breakfasted in gloom that harmonized only too well with the heavy, dripping sky visible from their windows. Only at midday did Alice succeed in obtaining speech with her remorseful sister. They were closeted together for more than an hour, and the elder woman came forth at last with red, tear-swollen eyes.
And this morning she had new problems to deal with. Virginia was holed up in her room; she wouldn’t let anyone in; she responded to every call for help with short, vague words that meant anything or nothing. The others had breakfast in a gloomy atmosphere that matched perfectly with the heavy, dripping sky outside their windows. It wasn’t until noon that Alice finally managed to talk to her regretful sister. They were shut up together for over an hour, and when the older woman finally emerged, her eyes were red and swollen from crying.
“We must leave her alone to-day,” she said to Monica. “She won’t take any meal. Oh, the wretched state she is in! If only I could have known of this before!”
“We need to leave her alone today,” she said to Monica. “She won’t eat anything. Oh, what a miserable state she’s in! If only I had known about this earlier!”
“Has it been going on for very long?”
“Has this been happening for a long time?”
“It began soon after she went to live at Mrs. Conisbee’s. She has told me all about it—poor girl, poor thing! Whether she can ever break herself of it, who knows? She says that she will take the pledge of total abstinence, and I encouraged her to do so; it may be some use, don’t you think?”
“It started soon after she moved in with Mrs. Conisbee. She’s told me everything about it—poor girl, poor thing! Whether she can ever overcome it, who knows? She says she’ll promise to stop completely, and I encouraged her to do that; it might help, don’t you think?”
“Perhaps—I don’t know—”
“Maybe—I’m not sure—”
“But I have no faith in her reforming unless she goes away from London. She thinks herself that only a new life in a new place will give her the strength. My dear, at Mrs. Conisbee’s she starved herself to have money to buy spirits; she went without any food but dry bread day after day.”
“But I don't believe she can change unless she leaves London. She thinks that only starting fresh in a new place will give her the strength she needs. My dear, at Mrs. Conisbee’s, she deprived herself to save money for alcohol; she lived on nothing but dry bread day after day.”
“Of course that made it worse. She must have craved for support.”
“Of course that made it worse. She must have needed support.”
“Of course. And your husband knows about it. He came once when she was in that state—when you were away—”
"Of course. And your husband knows about it. He came once when she was in that condition—when you were away—"
Monica nodded sullenly, her eyes averted.
Monica nodded quietly, her eyes turned away.
“Her life has been so dreadfully unhealthy. She seems to have become weak-minded. All her old interests have gone; she reads nothing but novels, day after day.”
“Her life has been really unhealthy. She seems to have become weak-minded. All her old interests are gone; she reads nothing but novels, day after day.”
“I have noticed that.”
"I've noticed that."
“How can we help her, Monica? Won’t you make a sacrifice for the poor girl’s sake? Cannot I persuade you, dear? Your position has a bad influence on her; I can see it has. She worries so about you, and then tries to forget the trouble—you know how.”
“How can we help her, Monica? Won’t you make a sacrifice for the poor girl’s sake? Can I persuade you, dear? Your position is negatively affecting her; I can see it is. She worries so much about you, and then tries to forget the trouble—you know how.”
Not that day, nor the next, could Monica listen to these entreaties. But her sister at length prevailed. It was late in the evening; Virginia had gone to bed, and the others sat silently, without occupation. Miss Madden, after several vain efforts to speak, bent forward and said in a low, grave voice,—
Not that day, or the next, could Monica listen to these pleas. But her sister eventually convinced her. It was late in the evening; Virginia had gone to bed, and the others sat quietly, with nothing to do. Miss Madden, after several unsuccessful attempts to speak, leaned forward and said in a low, serious voice,—
“Monica—you are deceiving us all. You are guilty.”
"Monica—you’re fooling everyone. You’re guilty."
“Why do you say that?”
"Why do you think that?"
“I know it. I have watched you. You betray yourself when you are thinking.”
“I know it. I’ve seen you. You give yourself away when you’re deep in thought.”
The other sat with brows knitted, with hard, defiant lips.
The other sat with a furrowed brow and tight, defiant lips.
“All your natural affection is dead, and only guilt could have caused that. You don’t care what becomes of your sister. Only the fear, or the evil pride, that comes of guilt could make you refuse what we ask of you. You are afraid to let your husband know of your condition.”
"All your natural feelings are gone, and only guilt could've caused that. You don’t care about what happens to your sister. Only the fear or the twisted pride that comes from guilt would make you deny our request. You’re scared to let your husband know what you’re going through."
Alice could not have spoken thus had she not believed what she said. The conviction had become irresistible to her mind. Her voice quivered with intensity of painful emotion.
Alice wouldn't have said that if she didn't believe it. The conviction had become overwhelming for her mind. Her voice trembled with the intensity of painful emotion.
“That last is true,” said her sister, when there had been silence for a minute.
“That last part is true,” her sister said after a minute of silence.
“You confess it? O Monica—”
“You confess this? O Monica—”
“I don’t confess what you think,” went on the younger, with more calmness than she had yet commanded in these discussions.
“I don’t admit what you think,” the younger one continued, with more calmness than she had managed in these discussions so far.
“Of that I am not guilty. I am afraid of his knowing, because he will never believe me. I have a proof which would convince anyone else; but, even if I produced it, it would be no use. I don’t think it is possible to persuade him—when once he knows—”
“Of that I am not guilty. I'm worried about him finding out, because he will never believe me. I have evidence that would convince anyone else; but even if I showed it to him, it wouldn’t matter. I don’t think it’s possible to change his mind—once he knows—”
“If you were innocent you would disregard that.”
“If you were innocent, you would ignore that.”
“Listen to me, Alice. If I were guilty I should not be living here at his expense. I only consented to do that when I knew what my condition was. But for this thing I should have refused to accept another penny from him. I should have drawn upon my own money until I was able to earn my own living again. If you won’t believe this it shows you know nothing of me. Your reading of my face is all foolishness.”
“Listen to me, Alice. If I were guilty, I wouldn't be living here at his expense. I only agreed to that when I understood my situation. Otherwise, I would have refused to take another penny from him. I would have relied on my own money until I could earn a living again. If you don’t believe this, it shows you don’t know anything about me. Your interpretation of my expression is all nonsense.”
“I would to God I were sure of what you say!” moaned Miss Madden, with vehemence which seemed extraordinary in such a feeble, flabby person.
“I wish to God I was sure of what you’re saying!” Miss Madden groaned, with a passion that felt remarkable coming from someone as weak and soft as she was.
“You know that I told my husband lies,” exclaimed Monica, “so you think I am never to be trusted. I did tell him lies; I can’t deny it, and I am ashamed of it. But I am not a deceitful woman—I can say that boldly. I love the truth better than falsehood. If it weren’t for that I should never have left home. A deceitful woman, in my circumstances—you don’t understand them—would have cheated her husband into forgiving her—such a husband as mine. She would have calculated the most profitable course. I left my husband because it was hateful to me to be with a man for whom I had lost every trace of affection. In keeping away from him I am acting honestly. But I have told you that I am also afraid of his making a discovery. I want him to believe—when the time comes—”
“You know that I lied to my husband,” Monica exclaimed, “so you think I can never be trusted. I did lie to him; I can’t deny it, and I’m ashamed of it. But I’m not a deceitful woman—I can say that confidently. I love the truth more than lies. If it weren't for that, I would never have left home. A deceitful woman, in my situation—you don’t understand it—would have tricked her husband into forgiving her—someone like mine. She would have calculated the best way to benefit herself. I left my husband because it was unbearable to be with a man for whom I had lost all affection. By staying away from him, I’m being honest. But I’ve also told you that I’m afraid of him finding out. I want him to believe—when the time comes—”
She broke off.
She stopped talking.
“Then, Monica, you ought to make known to him what you have been concealing. If you are telling the truth, that confession can’t be anything very dreadful.”
“Then, Monica, you should tell him what you’ve been hiding. If you’re being honest, that confession won’t be anything too terrible.”
“Alice, I am willing to make an agreement. If my husband will promise never to come near Clevedon until I send for him I will go and live there with you and Virgie.”
“Alice, I'm ready to make a deal. If my husband promises never to come near Clevedon until I ask for him, I will go and live there with you and Virgie.”
“He has promised that, darling,” cried Miss Madden delightedly.
“He promised that, darling,” Miss Madden exclaimed happily.
“Not to me. He has only said that he will make his home in London for a time: that means he would come whenever he wished, if it were only to speak to you and Virgie. But he must undertake never to come near until I give him permission. If he will promise this, and keep his word, I pledge myself to let him know the whole truth in less than a year. Whether I live or die, he shall be told the truth in less than a year.”
“Not to me. He has only said that he will stay in London for a while: that means he can come whenever he wants, even if it’s just to talk to you and Virgie. But he has to promise never to come close until I give him the go-ahead. If he promises this and sticks to it, I promise to let him know the whole truth in less than a year. Whether I live or die, he will hear the truth in less than a year.”
Before going to bed Alice wrote and dispatched a few lines to Widdowson, requesting an interview with him as soon as possible. She would come to his house at any hour he liked to appoint. The next afternoon brought a reply, and that same evening Miss Madden went to Herne Hill. As a result of what passed there, a day or two saw the beginning of the long-contemplated removal to Clevedon. Widdowson found a lodging in the neighbourhood of his old home; he had engaged never to cross the bounds of Somerset until he received his wife’s permission.
Before going to bed, Alice wrote and sent a quick message to Widdowson, asking to meet with him as soon as possible. She was willing to come to his house whenever he preferred. The next afternoon, she received a reply, and that evening Miss Madden went to Herne Hill. As a result of their conversation, the long-planned move to Clevedon began within a day or two. Widdowson found a place to stay near his old home; he had promised not to leave Somerset until he got his wife's permission.
As soon as this compact was established Monica wrote to Miss Nunn. A short submissive letter. “I am about to leave London, and before I go I very much wish to see you. Will you allow me to call at some hour when I could speak to you in private? There is something I must make known to you, and I cannot write it.” After a day’s interval came the reply, which was still briefer. Miss Nunn would be at home at half-past eight this or the next evening.
As soon as this agreement was set up, Monica wrote to Miss Nunn. It was a brief, polite letter. “I’m about to leave London, and before I go, I really want to see you. Would you let me drop by at a time when we can talk privately? There’s something I need to tell you, and I can’t write it down.” After a day, she received a response that was even shorter. Miss Nunn would be home at 8:30 this evening or the next.
Monica’s announcement that she must go out alone after nightfall alarmed her sisters. When told that her visit was to Rhoda Nunn they were somewhat relieved, but Alice begged to be permitted to accompany her.
Monica’s announcement that she needed to go out alone after dark worried her sisters. When they learned that she was heading to see Rhoda Nunn, they felt a bit relieved, but Alice pleaded to be allowed to go with her.
“It will be lost trouble,” Monica declared. “More likely than not there is a spy waiting to follow me wherever I go. Your assurance that I really went to Miss Barfoot’s won’t be needed.”
“It will be pointless,” Monica said. “There’s probably a spy ready to follow me everywhere I go. You won’t need to assure anyone that I actually went to Miss Barfoot’s.”
When the others still opposed her purpose she passed from irony into anger.
When the others continued to oppose her goals, she shifted from sarcasm to anger.
“Have you undertaken to save him the expense of private detectives? Have you promised never to let me go out of your sight?”
“Have you taken it upon yourself to spare him the cost of private detectives? Have you promised to never let me out of your sight?”
“Certainly I have not,” said Alice.
“Of course I haven't,” said Alice.
“Nor I, dear,” protested Virginia. “He has never asked anything of the kind.”
“Not me either, dear,” Virginia protested. “He’s never asked for anything like that.”
“Then you may be sure that the spies are still watching me. Let them have something to do, poor creatures. I shall go alone, so you needn’t say any more.”
“Then you can be sure that the spies are still watching me. Let them have something to keep them busy, poor things. I’ll go alone, so you don’t need to say anything else.”
She took train to York Road Station, and thence, as the night was fine, walked to Chelsea. This semblance of freedom, together with the sense of having taken a courageous resolve, raised her spirits. She hoped that a detective might be tracking her; the futility of such measures afforded her a contemptuous satisfaction. Not to arrive before the appointed hour she loitered on Chelsea Embankment, and it gave her pleasure to reflect that in doing this she was outraging the proprieties. Her mind was in a strange tumult of rebellious and distrustful thought. She had determined on making a confession to Rhoda; but would she benefit by it? Was Rhoda generous enough to appreciate her motives? It did not matter much. She would have discharged a duty at the expense of such shame, and this fact alone might strengthen her to face the miseries beyond.
She took the train to York Road Station, and then, since the night was nice, walked to Chelsea. This feeling of freedom, along with the sense that she had made a bold decision, lifted her spirits. She hoped that a detective might be following her; the ridiculousness of such an idea gave her a satisfying sense of contempt. To avoid arriving before the scheduled time, she hung around Chelsea Embankment, and it pleased her to think that by doing this, she was defying expectations. Her mind was in a confusing mix of rebellious and distrustful thoughts. She had decided to confess to Rhoda; but would it even help? Was Rhoda generous enough to understand her reasons? It didn't really matter. She would have fulfilled a duty at the cost of such shame, and that alone might give her the strength to face the hardships ahead.
As she stood at Miss Barfoot’s door her heart quailed. To the servant who opened she could only speak Miss Nunn’s name; fortunately instructions had been given, and she was straightway led to the library. Here she waited for nearly five minutes. Was Rhoda doing this on purpose? Her face, when at length she entered, made it seem probable; a cold dignity, only not offensive haughtiness, appeared in her bearing. She did not offer to shake hands, and used no form of civility beyond requesting her visitor to be seated.
As she stood at Miss Barfoot’s door, her heart sank. To the servant who answered, she could only say Miss Nunn’s name; luckily, instructions had been given, and she was promptly taken to the library. There, she waited for nearly five minutes. Was Rhoda doing this on purpose? When she finally walked in, her expression suggested that might be the case; a cool dignity, just shy of being offensive arrogance, came across in her demeanor. She didn’t offer to shake hands and didn’t extend any polite greeting beyond asking her guest to take a seat.
“I am going away,” Monica began, when silence compelled her to speak.
“I’m leaving,” Monica started, when the silence made her feel like she had to say something.
“Yes, so you told me.”
“Yes, you mentioned that.”
“I can see that you can’t understand why I have come.”
“I can tell that you don’t understand why I’m here.”
“Your note only said that you wished to see me.”
“Your note just said that you wanted to see me.”
Their eyes met, and Monica knew in the moment that succeeded that she was being examined from head to foot. It seemed to her that she had undertaken something beyond her strength; her impulse was to invent a subject of brief conversation and escape into the darkness. But Miss Nunn spoke again.
Their eyes locked, and Monica realized in that instant that she was being scrutinized from head to toe. It felt to her like she had taken on something too challenging; her instinct was to come up with a quick topic to talk about and slip away into the darkness. But Miss Nunn spoke again.
“Is it possible that I can be of any service to you?”
“Can I help you with anything?”
“Yes. You might be. But—I find it is very difficult to say what I—”
"Yes. You could be. But—I think it's really hard to say what I—"
Rhoda waited, offering no help whatever, not even that of a look expressing interest.
Rhoda waited, giving no help at all, not even a glance to show she was interested.
“Will you tell me, Miss Nunn, why you behave so coldly to me?”
“Could you please tell me, Miss Nunn, why you act so coldly towards me?”
“Surely that doesn’t need any explanation, Mrs. Widdowson?”
“Surely that doesn’t need any explanation, Mrs. Widdowson?”
“You mean that you believe everything Mr. Widdowson has said?”
“You really think everything Mr. Widdowson said is true?”
“Mr. Widdowson has said nothing to me. But I have seen your sister, and there seemed no reason to doubt what she told me.”
“Mr. Widdowson hasn’t said anything to me. But I’ve seen your sister, and there didn’t seem to be any reason to doubt what she told me.”
“She couldn’t tell you the truth, because she doesn’t know it.”
“She can’t tell you the truth because she doesn’t know it.”
“I presume she at least told no untruth.”
“I assume she at least didn't lie.”
“What did Virginia say? I think I have a right to ask that.”
“What did Virginia say? I believe I have a right to ask that.”
Rhoda appeared to doubt it. She turned her eyes to the nearest bookcase, and for a moment reflected.
Rhoda seemed to question it. She glanced at the nearest bookshelf and paused to think for a moment.
“Your affairs don’t really concern me, Mrs. Widdowson,” she said at length. “They have been forced upon my attention, and perhaps I regard them from a wrong point of view. Unless you have come to defend yourself against a false accusation, is there any profit in our talking of these things?”
“Your business doesn’t really involve me, Mrs. Widdowson,” she said after a pause. “It’s been brought to my attention, and maybe I’m seeing it in a skewed way. Unless you’ve come to defend yourself against a false accusation, is there any benefit to us discussing this?”
“I have come for that.”
“I’m here for that.”
“Then I am not so unjust as to refuse to hear you.”
“Then I’m not so unfair as to refuse to listen to you.”
“My name has been spoken of together with Mr. Barfoot’s. This is wrong. It began from a mistake.”
“My name has been mentioned alongside Mr. Barfoot’s. This is incorrect. It started due to a misunderstanding.”
Monica could not shape her phrases. Hastening to utter the statement that would relieve her from Miss Nunn’s personal displeasure, she used the first simple words that rose to her lips.
Monica struggled to express her thoughts clearly. Eager to say something that would free her from Miss Nunn’s displeasure, she used the first basic words that came to mind.
“When I went to Bayswater that day I had no thought of seeing Mr. Barfoot. I wished to see someone else.”
“When I went to Bayswater that day, I had no intention of seeing Mr. Barfoot. I wanted to see someone else.”
The listener manifested more attention. She could not mistake the signs of sincerity in Monica’s look and speech.
The listener showed more interest. She could clearly see the sincerity in Monica’s gaze and words.
“Some one,” she asked coldly, “who was living with Mr. Barfoot?”
“Someone,” she asked coldly, “who was living with Mr. Barfoot?”
“No. Some one in the same building; in another flat. When I knocked at Mr. Barfoot’s door, I knew—or I felt sure—no one would answer. I knew Mr. Barfoot was going away that day—going into Cumberland.”
“No. Someone in the same building; in another apartment. When I knocked on Mr. Barfoot’s door, I knew—or I was pretty sure—no one would answer. I knew Mr. Barfoot was leaving that day—heading to Cumberland.”
Rhoda’s look was fixed on the speaker’s countenance.
Rhoda's gaze was focused on the speaker's face.
“You knew he was going to Cumberland?” she asked in a slow, careful voice.
“You knew he was going to Cumberland?” she asked in a slow, careful voice.
“He told me so. I met him, quite by chance, the day before.”
“He told me that. I ran into him, completely by chance, the day before.”
“Where did you meet him?”
"Where did you run into him?"
“Near the flats,” Monica answered, colouring. “He had just come out—I saw him come out. I had an appointment there that afternoon, and I walked a short way with him, so that he shouldn’t—”
“Near the apartments,” Monica replied, blushing. “He had just stepped out—I saw him come out. I had an appointment there that afternoon, and I walked a little way with him, so that he wouldn’t—”
Her voice failed. She saw that Rhoda had begun to mistrust her, to think that she was elaborating falsehoods. The burdensome silence was broken by Miss Nunn’s saying repellently,—
Her voice faded away. She noticed that Rhoda had started to doubt her, believing she was spinning lies. The heavy silence was shattered by Miss Nunn’s distasteful remark,—
“I haven’t asked for your confidence, remember.”
“I haven’t asked for your trust, just so you know.”
“No—and if you try to imagine what it means for me to be speaking like this—I am not shameless. I have suffered a great deal before I could bring myself to come here and tell you. If you were more human—if you tried to believe—”
“No—and if you try to understand what it means for me to be talking like this—I’m not shameless. I’ve been through a lot before I could come here and tell you. If you were more human—if you tried to believe—”
The agitation which found utterance in these words had its effect upon Rhoda. In spite of herself she was touched by the note of womanly distress.
The agitation expressed in these words affected Rhoda. Despite herself, she was moved by the tone of feminine distress.
“Why have you come? Why do you tell me this?”
“Why are you here? Why are you telling me this?”
“Because it isn’t only that I have been falsely accused. I felt I must tell you that Mr. Barfoot had never—that there was nothing between us. What has he said? How did he meet the charge Mr. Widdowson made against him?”
“Because it’s not just that I’ve been falsely accused. I felt I needed to let you know that Mr. Barfoot and I never—there was nothing going on between us. What did he say? How did he respond to the accusation Mr. Widdowson made against him?”
“Simply by denying it.”
“Just by denying it.”
“Hasn’t he wished to appeal to me?”
“Hasn’t he wanted to reach out to me?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t heard of his expressing such a wish. I can’t see that you are called upon to take any trouble about Mr. Barfoot. He ought to be able to protect his own reputation.”
“I don’t know. I haven’t heard him express such a wish. I don’t see why you should have to worry about Mr. Barfoot. He should be able to take care of his own reputation.”
“Has he done so?” Monica asked eagerly. “Did you believe him when he denied—”
“Has he really done that?” Monica asked eagerly. “Did you actually believe him when he denied—”
“But what does it matter whether I believed him or not?”
“But what does it matter if I believed him or not?”
“He would think it mattered a great deal.”
“He would think it mattered a lot.”
“Mr. Barfoot would think so? Why?”
“Mr. Barfoot would think so? Why's that?”
“He told me how much he wished to have your good opinion That is what we used to talk about. I don’t know why he took me into his confidence. It happened first of all when we were going by train—the same train, by chance—after we had both been calling here. He asked me many questions about you, and at last said—that he loved you—or something that meant the same.”
“He told me how much he wanted your approval. That’s what we used to talk about. I’m not sure why he confided in me. It all started when we happened to be on the same train after we had both visited here. He asked me a lot of questions about you and finally said that he loved you—or something that was along those lines.”
Rhoda’s eyes had fallen.
Rhoda's eyes had dropped.
“After that,” pursued Monica, “we several times spoke of you. We did so when we happened to meet near his rooms—as I have told you. He told me he was going to Cumberland with the hope of seeing you; and I understood him to mean he wished to ask you—”
“After that,” Monica continued, “we talked about you a few times. We did this when we ran into each other near his place—as I mentioned. He told me he was going to Cumberland hoping to see you; and I took it to mean he wanted to ask you—”
The sudden and great change in Miss Nunn’s expression checked the speaker. Scornful austerity had given place to a smile, stern indeed, but exultant. There was warmth upon her face; her lips moved and relaxed; she altered her position in the chair as if inclined for more intimate colloquy.
The sudden and significant change in Miss Nunn's expression stopped the speaker. A scornful seriousness turned into a smile that, while stern, was also triumphant. There was a warmth on her face; her lips moved and softened; she shifted in her chair, seeming open to a more personal conversation.
“There was never more than that between us,” pursued Monica with earnestness. “My interest in Mr. Barfoot was only on your account. I hoped he might be successful. And I have come to you because I feared you would believe my husband—as I see you have done.”
“There was never anything more than that between us,” Monica continued earnestly. “My interest in Mr. Barfoot was only for your sake. I hoped he would succeed. And I’ve come to you because I was afraid you would believe my husband—as I see you have.”
Rhoda, though she thought it very unlikely that all this should be admirable acting, showed that the explanation had by no means fully satisfied her. Unwilling to put the crucial question, she waited, with gravity which had none of the former harshness, for what else Mrs. Widdowson might choose to say. A look of suffering appeal obliged her to break the silence.
Rhoda, even though she found it hard to believe that all of this was impressive acting, made it clear that the explanation didn’t fully satisfy her. Not wanting to ask the key question, she waited, with a seriousness that lacked any previous harshness, for what else Mrs. Widdowson might decide to say. A pleading look seemed to urge her to break the silence.
“I am very sorry you have laid this task upon yourself—”
“I’m really sorry you’ve taken on this task yourself—”
Still Monica looked at her, and at length murmured,—
Still, Monica looked at her and finally said, —
“If only I could know that I had done any good—”
“If only I could know that I had made any difference—”
“But,” said Rhoda, with a searching glance, “you don’t wish me to repeat what you have said?”
“But,” Rhoda said, looking intently, “you don’t want me to repeat what you’ve said?”
“It was only for you. I thought—if you felt able to let Mr. Barfoot know that you had no longer any—”
“It was only for you. I thought—if you could let Mr. Barfoot know that you no longer had any—”
A flash of stern intelligence shot from the listener’s eyes.
A flash of serious insight sparked in the listener’s eyes.
“You have seen him then?” she asked with abrupt directness.
“You've seen him, then?” she asked bluntly.
“Not since.”
"Not since then."
“He has written to you?”—still in the same voice.
“He's written to you?”—still in the same tone.
“Indeed he has not. Mr. Barfoot never wrote to me. I know nothing whatever about him. No one asked me to come to you—don’t think that. No one knows of what I have been telling you.”
“Actually, he hasn't. Mr. Barfoot never reached out to me. I don't know anything about him. No one told me to come to you—don't get that idea. No one is aware of what I’ve been sharing with you.”
Again Rhoda was oppressed by the difficulty of determining how much credit was due to such assertions. Monica understood her look.
Again, Rhoda felt weighed down by the challenge of figuring out how much to believe those claims. Monica recognized her expression.
“As I have said so much I must tell you all. It would be dreadful after this to go away uncertain whether you believed me or not.”
“As I’ve mentioned a lot, I need to tell you everything. It would be terrible to leave here unsure whether you believed me or not.”
Human feeling prompted the listener to declare that she had no doubts left. Yet she could not give utterance to the words. She knew they would sound forced, insincere. Shame at inflicting shame caused her to bend her head. Already she had been silent too long.
Human emotions urged the listener to say that she had no doubts left. Yet she couldn’t bring herself to say the words. She knew they would come off as forced, insincere. Feeling ashamed for causing shame made her lower her head. She had already been silent for too long.
“I will tell you everything,” Monica was saying in low, tremulous tones. “If no one else believes me, you at all events shall. I have not done what—”
“I'll tell you everything,” Monica was saying in low, shaky tones. “If no one else believes me, you will at least. I haven’t done what—”
“No—I can’t hear this,” Rhoda broke in, the speaker’s voice affecting her too powerfully. “I will believe you without this.”
“No—I can’t listen to this,” Rhoda interrupted, the speaker’s voice impacting her too strongly. “I’ll believe you without it.”
Monica broke into sobbing. The strain of this last effort had overtaxed her strength.
Monica burst into tears. The pressure from this last attempt had exhausted her strength.
“We won’t talk any more of it,” said Rhoda, with an endeavour to speak kindly. “You have done all that could be asked of you. I am grateful to you for coming on my account.”
“We won’t talk about it anymore,” said Rhoda, trying to sound kind. “You’ve done everything that could be asked of you. I appreciate you coming for my sake.”
The other controlled herself.
The other kept her composure.
“Will you hear what I have to say, Miss Nunn? Will you hear it as a friend? I want to put myself right in your thoughts. I have told no one else; I shall be easier in mind if you will hear me. My husband will know everything before very long—but perhaps I shall not be alive—”
“Will you listen to what I have to say, Miss Nunn? Will you hear it as a friend? I want to clear things up in your mind about me. I haven’t told anyone else; I’ll feel better if you hear me out. My husband will find out everything soon enough—but maybe I won’t be around then—”
Something in Miss Nunn’s face suggested to Monica that her meaning was understood. Perhaps, notwithstanding her denial, Virginia had told more when she was here than she had permission to make known.
Something in Miss Nunn’s face made Monica feel that her meaning was understood. Maybe, despite her denial, Virginia had shared more while she was here than she was allowed to reveal.
“Why should you wish to tell me?” asked Rhoda uneasily.
“Why do you want to tell me?” Rhoda asked nervously.
“Because you are so strong. You will say something that will help me. I know you think that I have committed a sin which it is a shame to speak of. That isn’t true. If it were true I should never consent to go and live in my husband’s house.”
“Because you’re so strong. You’ll say something that will help me. I know you think I’ve done something wrong that’s shameful to talk about. That’s not true. If it were true, I would never agree to go and live in my husband’s house.”
“You are returning to him?”
“Are you going back to him?”
“I forgot that I haven’t told you.”
“I forgot that I didn't tell you.”
And Monica related the agreement that had been arrived at. When she spoke of the time that must elapse before she would make a confession to her husband, it again seemed to her that Miss Nunn understood.
And Monica shared the agreement that had been reached. When she talked about the time that needed to pass before she could confess to her husband, it once again felt to her like Miss Nunn understood.
“There is a reason why I consent to be supported by him,” she continued. “If it were true that I had sinned as he suspects I would rather kill myself than pretend still to be his wife. The day before he had me watched I thought I had left him forever. I thought that if I went back to the house again it would only be to get a few things that I needed. It was some one who lived in the same building as Mr. Barfoot. You have met him—”
“There’s a reason I agree to let him support me,” she went on. “If it were true that I had done wrong like he thinks, I’d rather end my life than pretend to still be his wife. The day before he had me followed, I believed I had left him for good. I thought if I went back to the house, it would only be to grab a few things I needed. It was someone who lived in the same building as Mr. Barfoot. You’ve met him—”
She raised her eyes for an instant, and they encountered the listener’s. Rhoda was at no loss to supply the omitted name; she saw at once how plain things were becoming.
She looked up for a moment and met the listener's gaze. Rhoda quickly filled in the missing name; she immediately realized how obvious everything was becoming.
“He has left England,” pursued Monica in a hurried but clear voice. “I thought then that I should go away with him. But—it was impossible. I loved him—or thought I loved him; but I was guiltless of anything more than consenting to leave my husband. Will you believe me?”
“He's left England,” Monica continued in a rushed but clear voice. “I thought I should go away with him. But—it was impossible. I loved him—or I thought I loved him; but I was not guilty of anything more than agreeing to leave my husband. Will you believe me?”
“Yes, Monica, I do believe you.”
“Yeah, Monica, I trust you.”
“If you have any doubt, I can show you a letter he wrote to me from abroad, which will prove—”
“If you have any doubts, I can show you a letter he wrote to me from overseas, which will prove—”
“I believe you absolutely.”
"I completely believe you."
“But let me tell you more. I must explain how the misunderstanding—”
“But let me tell you more. I need to explain how the misunderstanding—”
Rapidly she recounted the incidents of that fatal Saturday afternoon. At the conclusion her self-command was again overcome; she shed tears, and murmured broken entreaties for kindness.
Quickly, she recounted the events of that tragic Saturday afternoon. By the end, her composure broke again; she cried and murmured fragmented pleas for kindness.
“What shall I do, Miss Nunn? How can I live until—? I know it’s only for a short time. My wretched life will soon be at an end—”
“What should I do, Miss Nunn? How can I survive until—? I know it’s just for a little while. My miserable life will soon be over—”
“Monica—there is one thing you must remember.”
“Monica, there's one thing you need to remember.”
The voice was so gentle, though firm—so unlike what she had expected to hear—that the sufferer looked up with grateful attention.
The voice was so gentle, yet firm—so different from what she had expected to hear—that the person in pain looked up with grateful attention.
“Tell me—give me what help you can.”
“Tell me—provide any help you can.”
“Life seems so bitter to you that you are in despair. Yet isn’t it your duty to live as though some hope were before you?”
“Life feels so bitter to you that you’re in despair. But isn’t it your responsibility to live as if there’s still hope ahead?”
Monica gazed in uncertainty.
Monica looked on in doubt.
“You mean—” she faltered.
"You mean—" she hesitated.
“I think you will understand. I am not speaking of your husband. Whether you have duties to him or not I can’t say; that is for your own mind and heart to determine. But isn’t it true that your health has a graver importance than if you yourself only were concerned?”
“I think you will understand. I'm not talking about your husband. Whether you have obligations to him or not, I can’t say; that’s for you to figure out in your own mind and heart. But isn’t it true that your health is more important than just your own personal concerns?”
“Yes—you have understood me—”
"Yes, you get me."
“Isn’t it your duty to remember at every moment that your thoughts, your actions, may affect another life—that by heedlessness, by abandoning yourself to despair, you may be the cause of suffering it was in your power to avert?”
“Isn’t it your responsibility to remember at all times that your thoughts and actions can impact another life — that by being careless or giving in to despair, you could cause suffering that you had the power to prevent?”
Herself strongly moved, Rhoda had never spoken so impressively, had never given counsel of such earnest significance. She felt her power in quite a new way, without touch of vanity, without posing or any trivial self-consciousness. When she least expected it an opportunity had come for exerting the moral influence on which she prided herself, and which she hoped to make the ennobling element of her life. All the better that the case was one calling for courage, for contempt of vulgar reticences; the combative soul in her became stronger when faced by such conditions. Seeing that her words were not in vain, she came nearer to Monica and spoke yet more kindly.
Feeling deeply moved, Rhoda had never spoken so powerfully or given advice with such meaningful weight. She realized her influence in a completely new way, without any hint of vanity, without trying to impress, or any petty self-awareness. When she least expected it, an opportunity arose for her to use the moral influence she took pride in, which she wanted to be the uplifting force in her life. It was all the better that the situation required courage and a disregard for common reservations; her combative spirit grew stronger in the face of such challenges. Seeing that her words had an impact, she moved closer to Monica and spoke even more kindly.
“Why do you encourage that fear of your life coming to an end?”
“Why do you stir up that fear of your life ending?”
“It’s more a hope than a fear—at most times. I can see nothing before me. I don’t wish to live.”
“It’s more of a hope than a fear—most of the time. I can’t see anything ahead of me. I don’t want to live.”
“That’s morbid. It isn’t yourself that speaks, but your trouble. You are young and strong, and in a year’s time very much of this unhappiness will have passed.”
"That’s dark. It’s not you talking, it’s your problems. You’re young and strong, and in a year, a lot of this unhappiness will be behind you."
“I have felt it like a certainty—as if it had been foretold to me—ever since I knew—”
“I’ve felt it like a sure thing—as if someone had predicted it for me—ever since I understood—”
“I think it very likely that young wives have often the same dread. It is physical, Monica, and in your case there is so little relief from dark brooding. But again you must think of your responsibility. You will live, because the poor little life will need your care.”
“I think it’s very likely that young wives often feel the same fear. It’s physical, Monica, and in your case, there’s very little relief from the dark thoughts. But again, you have to think about your responsibility. You will live because that poor little life will need your care.”
Monica turned her head away and moaned.
Monica turned her head away and sighed.
“I shall not love my child.”
“I will not love my child.”
“Yes, you will. And that love, that duty, is the life to which you must look forward. You have suffered a great deal, but after such sorrow as yours there comes quietness and resignation. Nature will help you.”
“Yes, you will. And that love, that duty, is the life you need to anticipate. You have endured a lot, but after such sadness as yours, there comes peace and acceptance. Nature will support you.”
“Oh, if you could give me some of your strength! I have never been able to look at life as you do. I should never have married him if I hadn’t been tempted by the thoughts of living easily—and I feared so—that I might always be alone—My sisters are so miserable; it terrified me to think of struggling on through life as they do—”
“Oh, if only you could share some of your strength with me! I've never been able to see life the way you do. I wouldn't have married him if I hadn't been tempted by the idea of living a comfortable life—and I was so afraid—that I might always be alone—My sisters are so unhappy; it scared me to think of facing life the way they do—”
“Your mistake was in looking only at the weak women. You had other examples before you—girls like Miss Vesper and Miss Haven, who live bravely and work hard and are proud of their place in the world. But it’s idle to talk of the past, and just as foolish to speak as if you were sorrowing without hope. How old are you, Monica?”
“Your mistake was in only noticing the weak women. There were other examples around you—girls like Miss Vesper and Miss Haven, who live courageously, work hard, and take pride in their place in the world. But it's pointless to dwell on the past, and just as silly to act like you're grieving without any hope. How old are you, Monica?”
“Two-and-twenty.”
“Twenty-two.”
“Well, I am two-and-thirty—and I don’t call myself old. When you have reached my age I prophesy you will smile at your despair of ten years ago. At your age one talks so readily of “wrecked life” and “hopeless future,” and all that kind of thing. My dear girl, you may live to be one of the most contented and most useful women in England. Your life isn’t wrecked at all—nonsense! You have gone through a storm, that’s true; but more likely than not you will be all the better for it. Don’t talk or think about sins; simply make up your mind that you won’t be beaten by trials and hardships. There cannot—can there?—be the least doubt as to how you ought to live through these next coming months. Your duty is perfectly clear. Strengthen yourself in body and mind. You have a mind, which is more than can be said of a great many women. Think bravely and nobly of yourself! Say to yourself: This and that it is in me to do, and I will do it!”
“Well, I’m thirty-two, and I don’t consider myself old. When you reach my age, I bet you’ll laugh at the despair you felt ten years ago. At your age, it’s easy to talk about a “wrecked life” and “hopeless future,” and all that sort of thing. My dear girl, you could end up being one of the happiest and most impactful women in England. Your life isn’t wrecked at all—what nonsense! You've gone through a rough patch, that's true; but chances are, you’ll come out of it even stronger. Don’t dwell on sins; just resolve that you won’t let trials and hardships defeat you. There can’t—can there?—be any doubt about how you should navigate these next few months. Your duty is crystal clear. Build yourself up in body and mind. You have a mind, which is more than can be said for a lot of women. Think positively and proudly of yourself! Tell yourself: This and that is within my ability, and I will achieve it!”
Monica bent suddenly forward and took one of her friend’s hands, and clung to it.
Monica suddenly leaned forward and grabbed one of her friend's hands, holding on tight.
“I knew you could say something that would help me. You have a way of speaking. But it isn’t only now. I shall be so far away, and so lonely, all through the dark winter. Will you write to me?”
“I knew you could say something that would help me. You have a way of speaking. But it’s not just now. I’ll be so far away and so lonely all through the dark winter. Will you write to me?”
“Gladly. And tell you all we are doing.”
“Sure. And I’ll tell you everything we’re up to.”
Rhoda’s voice sank for a moment; her eyes wandered; but she recovered the air of confidence.
Rhoda's voice dropped for a moment; her eyes drifted; but she regained her confident demeanor.
“We seemed to have lost you; but before long you will be one of us again. I mean, you will be one of the women who are fighting in woman’s cause. You will prove by your life that we can be responsible human beings—trustworthy, conscious of purpose.”
“We thought we lost you; but soon enough you'll be one of us again. I mean, you'll be one of the women fighting for women's rights. You'll show through your life that we can be responsible individuals—reliable and aware of our goals.”
“Tell me—do you think it right for me to live with my husband when I can’t even regard him as a friend?”
“Tell me—do you think it’s okay for me to live with my husband when I can’t even see him as a friend?”
“In that I dare not counsel you. If you can think of him as a friend, in time to come, surely it will be better. But here you must guide yourself. You seem to have made a very sensible arrangement, and before long you will see many things more clearly. Try to recover health—health; that is what you need. Drink in the air of the Severn Sea; it will be a cordial to you after this stifling London. Next summer I shall—I hope I shall be at Cheddar, and then I shall come over to Clevedon—and we shall laugh and talk as if we had never known a care.”
“In that, I can't advise you. If you can think of him as a friend in the future, it’s definitely better. But this is something you need to navigate on your own. You seem to have made a smart choice, and soon you’ll start to see more things clearly. Focus on getting healthy—that’s what you need. Breathe in the air of the Severn Sea; it will be refreshing after the suffocating London atmosphere. Next summer, I hope to be at Cheddar, and then I’ll come over to Clevedon—we’ll laugh and talk as if we never had a worry.”
“Ah, if that time were come! But you have done me good. I shall try—”
“Ah, if only that time would come! But you've helped me. I will try—”
She rose.
She got up.
“I mustn’t forget,” said Rhoda, without looking at her, “that I owe you thanks. You have done what you felt was right in spite of all it cost you; and you have very greatly relieved my mind. Of course it is all a secret between us. If I make it understood that a doubt is no longer troubling me I shall never say how it was removed.”
“I can’t forget,” Rhoda said, not looking at her, “that I owe you thanks. You did what you thought was right despite everything it cost you; and you have really helped ease my mind. Of course, this is all a secret between us. If I make it clear that I’m no longer troubled by doubt, I’ll never reveal how it was resolved.”
“How I wish I had come before.”
“Man, I really wish I had come earlier.”
“For your own sake, if I have really helped you, I wish you had. But as for anything else—it is much better as it is.”
“For your own good, if I’ve actually helped you, I wish you had. But as for anything else—it’s much better just the way it is.”
And Rhoda stood with erect head, smiling her smile of liberty. Monica did not dare to ask any question. She moved up to her friend, holding out both hands timidly.
And Rhoda stood tall, smiling her smile of freedom. Monica didn’t dare to ask any questions. She approached her friend, shyly extending both hands.
“Good-bye!”
"Goodbye!"
“Till next summer.”
"See you next summer."
They embraced, and kissed each other, Monica, when she had withdrawn her hot lips, again murmuring words of gratitude. Then in silence they went together to the house-door, and in silence parted.
They hugged and kissed each other. Monica, after pulling away from her warm lips, quietly expressed her gratitude again. Then, without saying a word, they walked together to the front door and quietly went their separate ways.
CHAPTER XXX
RETREAT WITH HONOUR
Alighting, on his return to London, at the Savoy Hotel, Barfoot insensibly prolonged his stay there. For the present he had no need of a more private dwelling; he could not see more than a few days ahead; his next decisive step was as uncertain as it had been during the first few months after his coming back from the East.
Alighting, on his return to London, at the Savoy Hotel, Barfoot insensibly prolonged his stay there. For the moment he had no need for a more private place; he couldn’t see more than a few days ahead; his next decisive step was just as uncertain as it had been during the first few months after he returned from the East.
Meantime, he led a sufficiently agreeable life. The Brissendens were not in town, but his growing intimacy with that family had extended his social outlook, and in a direction correspondent with the change in his own circumstances. He was making friends in the world with which he had a natural affinity; that of wealthy and cultured people who seek no prominence, who shrink from contact with the circles known as “smart,” who possess their souls in quiet freedom. It is a small class, especially distinguished by the charm of its women. Everard had not adapted himself without difficulty to this new atmosphere; from the first he recognized its soothing and bracing quality, but his experiences had accustomed him to an air more rudely vigorous; it was only after those weeks spent abroad in frequent intercourse with the Brissendens that he came to understand the full extent of his sympathy with the social principles these men and women represented.
In the meantime, he was living a pretty good life. The Brissendens were out of town, but his growing friendship with that family had broadened his social outlook, matching the changes in his own situation. He was making connections with people he naturally gelled with: wealthy and cultured folks who don’t seek the spotlight, who avoid those so-called “smart” circles, and who enjoy a quiet freedom. It’s a small group, particularly noted for the charm of its women. Everard hadn’t adjusted to this new environment without some challenges; from the beginning, he noticed its calming and energizing effect, but his past experiences had made him accustomed to a more robust atmosphere. It was only after spending weeks abroad getting to know the Brissendens that he fully grasped how much he resonated with the social values these men and women embodied.
In the houses where his welcome was now assured he met some three or four women among whom it would have been difficult to assign the precedence for grace of manner and of mind. These persons were not in declared revolt against the order of things, religious, ethical, or social; that is to say, they did not think it worthwhile to identify themselves with any “movement”; they were content with the unopposed right of liberal criticism. They lived placidly; refraining from much that the larger world enjoined, but never aggressive. Everard admired them with increasing fervour. With one exception they were married, and suitably married; that member of the charming group who kept her maiden freedom was Agnes Brissenden, and it seemed to Barfoot that, if preference were at all justified, Agnes should receive the palm. His view of her had greatly changed since the early days of their acquaintance; in fact, he perceived that till of late he had not known her at all. His quick assumption that Agnes was at his disposal if he chose to woo her had been mere fatuity; he misread her perfect simplicity of demeanour, the unconstraint of her intellectual sympathies. What might now be her personal attitude to him he felt altogether uncertain, and the result was a genuine humility such as he had never known. Nor was it Agnes only that subdued his masculine self-assertiveness; her sisters in grace had scarcely less dominion over him; and at times, as he sat conversing in one of these drawing-rooms, he broke off to marvel at himself, to appreciate the perfection of his own suavity, the vast advance he had been making in polished humanism.
In the homes where he was now warmly welcomed, he met three or four women among whom it would have been hard to decide who was the most graceful in manner and mind. These women weren’t actively rebelling against the established order—be it religious, ethical, or social; they didn't find it worthwhile to align themselves with any particular "movement." They were comfortable with the unrestricted freedom of liberal criticism. They lived peacefully, avoiding many of the demands of the outside world, but never in a hostile way. Everard admired them with growing enthusiasm. With one exception, they were all married, and happily so; the one woman in this delightful group who remained single was Agnes Brissenden, and Barfoot thought that if he had to choose, Agnes deserved the highest praise. His perception of her had changed significantly since they first met; in fact, he realized that until recently, he hadn't truly known her. His earlier assumption that Agnes was available to him if he decided to pursue her had been sheer foolishness; he had misinterpreted her perfect simplicity and the ease of her intellectual openness. Now, he felt completely uncertain about how she viewed him, which brought him a genuine humility he had never experienced before. It wasn't just Agnes who humbled his masculine self-confidence; her equally graceful friends had a similar effect on him. At times, while sitting and chatting in one of these living rooms, he paused to marvel at himself, appreciating the refinement of his own charm and the significant progress he had made in polished human interaction.
Towards the end of November he learnt that the Brissendens were at their town house, and a week later he received an invitation to dine with them.
Towards the end of November, he found out that the Brissendens were at their city home, and a week later, he got an invitation to have dinner with them.
Over his luncheon at the hotel Everard reflected with some gravity, for, if he were not mistaken, the hour had come when he must make up his mind on a point too long in suspense. What was Rhoda Nunn doing? He had heard nothing whatever of her. His cousin Mary wrote to him, whilst he was at Ostend, in a kind and friendly tone, informing him that his simple assurance with regard to a certain disagreeable matter was all she had desired, and hoping that he would come and see her as usual when he found himself in London. But he had kept away from the house in Queen’s Road, and it was probable that Mary did not even know his address. As the result of meditation he went to his sitting-room, and with an air of reluctance sat down to write a letter. It was a request that Mary would let him see her somewhere or other—not at her house. Couldn’t they have a talk at the place in Great Portland Street, when no one else was there?
During his lunch at the hotel, Everard reflected seriously, because if he wasn't mistaken, the time had come for him to make a decision on something he had been pondering for too long. What was Rhoda Nunn up to? He hadn’t heard anything from her. His cousin Mary had written to him while he was in Ostend, in a kind and friendly way, letting him know that his simple assurance about a certain unpleasant issue was all she needed, and she hoped he would visit her as usual when he was back in London. But he had stayed away from the house on Queen’s Road, and it was likely that Mary didn't even know where to reach him. After some thought, he went to his sitting room and, with a sense of reluctance, sat down to write a letter. He was asking Mary if they could meet somewhere—not at her house. Could they talk at the place on Great Portland Street when no one else was around?
Miss Barfoot answered with brief assent. If he liked to come to Great Portland Street at three o’clock on Saturday she would be awaiting him.
Miss Barfoot replied with a short agreement. If he wanted to come to Great Portland Street at three o’clock on Saturday, she would be there waiting for him.
On arriving, he inspected the rooms with curiosity.
Upon arriving, he looked around the rooms with interest.
“I have often wished to come here, Mary. Show me over the premises, will you?”
“I've often wanted to come here, Mary. Can you show me around?”
“That was your purpose—?”
"That was your goal—?"
“No, not altogether. But you know how your work interests me.”
“No, not completely. But you know how much your work fascinates me.”
Mary complied, and freely answered his various questions. Then they sat down on hard chairs by the fire, and Everard, leaning forward as if to warm his hands, lost no more time in coming to the point.
Mary agreed and answered his questions openly. Then they sat in hard chairs by the fire, and Everard, leaning forward to warm his hands, quickly got to the point.
“I want to hear about Miss Nunn.”
“I want to hear about Miss Nunn.”
“To hear about her? Pray, what do you wish to hear?”
“To hear about her? What do you want to know?”
“Is she well?”
"Is she okay?"
“Very well indeed.”
"Absolutely."
“I’m very glad of that. Does she ever speak of me?”
“I’m really glad to hear that. Does she ever talk about me?”
“Let me see—I don’t think she has referred to you lately.”
“Let me see—I don’t think she’s mentioned you recently.”
Everard looked up.
Everard glanced up.
“Don’t let us play a comedy, Mary. I want to talk very seriously. Shall I tell you what happened when I went to Seascale?”
“Don't let us put on a show, Mary. I want to talk seriously. Should I tell you what happened when I went to Seascale?”
“Ah, you went to Seascale, did you?”
“Ah, you went to Seascale, huh?”
“Didn’t you know that?” he asked, unable to decide the question from his cousin’s face, which was quite friendly, but inscrutable.
“Didn’t you know that?” he asked, unsure how to read his cousin’s face, which was friendly but mysterious.
“You went when Miss Nunn was there?”
“You went when Miss Nunn was there?”
“Of course. You must have known I was going, when I asked you for her Seascale address.”
“Of course. You must have known I was going when I asked you for her Seascale address.”
“And what did happen? I shall be glad to hear—if you feel at liberty to tell me.”
“And what happened? I’d love to hear—if you feel comfortable sharing.”
After a pause, Everard began the narrative. But he did not see fit to give it with all the detail which Mary had learnt from her friend. He spoke of the excursion to Wastwater, and of the subsequent meeting on the shore.
After a pause, Everard started telling the story. However, he chose not to share all the details that Mary had learned from her friend. He talked about the trip to Wastwater and the meeting that followed on the shore.
“The end of it was that Miss Nunn consented to marry me.”
"The bottom line is that Miss Nunn agreed to marry me."
“She consented?”
"She agreed?"
“That comes as a surprise?”
"That's surprising?"
“Please go on.”
"Go ahead."
“Well, we arranged everything. Rhoda was to stay till the fifteen days were over, and the marriage would have been there. But then arrived your letter, and we quarrelled about it. I wasn’t disposed to beg and pray for justice. I told Rhoda that her wish for evidence was an insult, that I would take no step to understand Mrs. Widdowson’s behaviour. Rhoda was illogical, I think. She did not refuse to take my word, but she wouldn’t marry me until the thing was cleared up. I told her that she must investigate it for herself, and so we parted in no very good temper.”
“Well, we had everything planned. Rhoda was supposed to stay until the fifteen days were up, and the wedding would have happened then. But then your letter came, and we fought about it. I wasn’t willing to beg for fairness. I told Rhoda that her demand for proof was an insult and that I wouldn’t do anything to try to understand Mrs. Widdowson’s behavior. I think Rhoda was being unreasonable. She didn’t outright dismiss my word, but she wouldn’t marry me until everything was sorted out. I told her she had to figure it out on her own, and we ended things in a really bad mood.”
Miss Barfoot smiled and mused. Her duty, she now felt convinced, was to abstain from any sort of meddling. These two people must settle their affairs as they chose. To interfere was to incur an enormous responsibility. For what she had already done in that way Mary reproved herself.
Miss Barfoot smiled and thought to herself. She now believed that her duty was to avoid any kind of interference. These two people needed to work out their issues on their own. To get involved would mean taking on a huge responsibility. For what she had already done in that regard, Mary criticized herself.
“Now I want to ask you a plain question,” Everard resumed. “That letter you wrote to me at Ostend—did it represent Rhoda’s mind as well as your own?”
“Now I want to ask you a straightforward question,” Everard continued. “That letter you sent me at Ostend—did it reflect Rhoda’s thoughts as well as your own?”
“It’s quite impossible for me to say. I didn’t know Rhoda’s mind.”
“It’s really hard for me to say. I didn’t understand Rhoda’s thoughts.”
“Well, perhaps that is a satisfactory answer. It implies, no doubt, that she was still resolved not to concede the point on which I insisted. But since then? Has she come to a decision?”
“Well, maybe that's a good enough answer. It suggests, for sure, that she was still determined not to give in on the issue I was pressing. But what about since then? Has she made a decision?”
It was necessary to prevaricate. Mary knew of the interview between Miss Nunn and Mrs. Widdowson, knew its result; but she would not hint at this.
It was necessary to lie. Mary knew about the meeting between Miss Nunn and Mrs. Widdowson and knew what happened, but she wouldn’t give any hints about it.
“I have no means of judging how she regards you, Everard.”
“I have no way of knowing how she feels about you, Everard.”
“It is possible she even thinks me a liar?”
“Is it possible that she even thinks I'm a liar?”
“I understood you to say that she never refused to believe you.”
“I understood you to say that she never doubted you.”
He made a movement of impatience.
He waved his hand in annoyance.
“Plainly—you will tell me nothing?”
"Honestly—you won't tell me anything?"
“I have nothing to tell.”
“I have nothing to say.”
“Then I suppose I must see Rhoda. Perhaps she will refuse to admit me?”
“Then I guess I have to see Rhoda. Maybe she won’t let me in?”
“I can’t say. But if she does her meaning would be unmistakable.”
“I can’t say. But if she does, her meaning would be clear.”
“Cousin Mary”—he looked at her and laughed—“I think you will be very glad if she does refuse.”
“Cousin Mary”—he looked at her and laughed—“I think you'll be really glad if she does refuse.”
She seemed about to reply with some pleasantry, but checked herself, and spoke in a serious voice.
She looked ready to respond with a joke but held back and spoke in a serious tone.
“No. I have no such feeling. Whatever you both agree upon will satisfy me. So come by all means if you wish. I can have nothing to do with it. You had better write and ask her if she will see you, I should think.”
“No. I don’t feel that way at all. Whatever you both decide will be fine by me. So feel free to go if you want. It’s not my business. You should probably write to her and see if she will meet you, I think.”
Barfoot rose from his seat, and Mary was glad to be released so quickly from a disagreeable situation. For her own part she had no need to put indiscreet questions; Everard’s manner acquainted her quite sufficiently with what was going on in his thoughts. However, he had still something to say.
Barfoot got up from his seat, and Mary was relieved to be freed so quickly from an uncomfortable situation. She didn’t need to ask any awkward questions; Everard's demeanor clearly revealed what was on his mind. Still, he had more to say.
“You think I have behaved rather badly—let us say, harshly?”
“You think I’ve acted pretty badly—let’s say, harshly?”
“I am not so foolish as to form any judgment in such a case, cousin Everard.”
“I’m not naive enough to make any judgments in this situation, cousin Everard.”
“Speaking as a woman, should you say that Rhoda had reason on her side—in the first instance?”
“Speaking as a woman, would you say that Rhoda had a valid point—in the first place?”
“I think,” Mary replied, with reluctance, but deliberately, “that she was not unreasonable in wishing to postpone her marriage until she knew what was to be the result of Mrs. Widdowson’s indiscreet behaviour.”
“I think,” Mary replied, a bit hesitant but intentional, “that she wasn’t being unreasonable in wanting to delay her marriage until she figured out what the outcome of Mrs. Widdowson’s reckless behavior would be.”
“Well, perhaps she was not,” Everard admitted thoughtfully.
“Well, maybe she wasn't,” Everard said thoughtfully.
“And what has been the result?”
“And what has been the outcome?”
“I only know that Mrs. Widdowson has left London and gone to live at a house her husband has taken somewhere in the country.”
“I just know that Mrs. Widdowson has left London and moved to a house her husband rented somewhere in the countryside.”
“I’m relieved to hear that. By-the-bye, the little lady’s “indiscreet behaviour” is as much a mystery to me as ever.”
“I’m glad to hear that. By the way, the little lady’s ‘indiscreet behavior’ is just as much of a mystery to me as it always has been.”
“And to me,” Mary replied with an air of indifference.
“And to me,” Mary replied casually.
“Well, then, let us take it for granted that I was rather harsh with Rhoda. But suppose she still meets me with the remark that things are just as they were—that nothing has been explained?”
“Well, then, let’s just assume that I was pretty tough on Rhoda. But what if she still responds by saying that things are exactly the same—that nothing has been clarified?”
“I can’t discuss your relations with Miss Nunn.”
“I can’t talk about your relationship with Miss Nunn.”
“However, you defend her original action. Be so good as to admit that I can’t go to Mrs. Widdowson and request her to publish a statement that I have never—”
“However, you back her initial decision. Please acknowledge that I can’t go to Mrs. Widdowson and ask her to issue a statement saying that I have never—”
“I shall admit nothing,” interrupted Miss Barfoot rather tartly. “I have advised you to see Miss Nunn—if she is willing. And there’s nothing more to be said.”
“I won’t admit anything,” interrupted Miss Barfoot rather sharply. “I’ve suggested you talk to Miss Nunn—if she’s open to it. And there’s nothing more to discuss.”
“Good. I will write to her.”
"Sure. I'll message her."
* * *
Understood! Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
He did so, in the fewest possible words, and received an answer of equal brevity. In accordance with permission granted, on the Monday evening he found himself once more in his cousin’s drawing-room, sitting alone, waiting Miss Nunn’s appearance. He wondered how she would present herself, in what costume. Her garb proved to be a plain dress of blue serge, certainly not calculated for effect; but his eye at once distinguished the fact that she had arranged her hair as she wore it when he first knew her, a fashion subsequently abandoned for one that he thought more becoming.
He did this in as few words as possible and got a reply that was just as brief. Following the permission he had received, he found himself back in his cousin’s living room on Monday evening, sitting alone and waiting for Miss Nunn to arrive. He wondered how she would show up and what she would wear. Her outfit turned out to be a simple blue serge dress, definitely not meant to impress; but he immediately noticed that she had styled her hair the same way she did when he first met her, a style she had since replaced with one he thought suited her better.
They shook hands. Externally Barfoot was the more agitated, and his embarrassment appeared in the awkward words with which he began.
They shook hands. On the outside, Barfoot seemed more nervous, and his embarrassment showed in the clumsy words he used to start the conversation.
“I had made up my mind never to come until you let me know that I was tried and acquitted But after all it is better to have reason on one’s side.”
“I decided never to come until you told me that I was tried and found not guilty. But in the end, it’s better to have reason on your side.”
“Much better,” replied Rhoda, with a smile which emphasized her ambiguity.
“Much better,” replied Rhoda, with a smile that highlighted her uncertainty.
She sat down, and he followed her example. Their relative positions called to mind many a conversation they had held in this room. Barfoot—he wore evening dress—settled in the comfortable chair as though he were an ordinary guest.
She sat down, and he followed her lead. Their positions reminded them of many conversations they had shared in this room. Barfoot—dressed in formal attire—settled into the comfortable chair as if he were just another guest.
“I suppose you would never have written to me?”
“I guess you would never have written to me?”
“Never,” she answered quietly.
“Never,” she replied softly.
“Because you are too proud, or because the mystery is still a mystery?”
“Is it because you're too proud, or is it because the mystery remains a mystery?”
“There is no longer any mystery.”
“No more secrets.”
Everard made a movement of surprise.
Everard reacted in surprise.
“Indeed? You have discovered what it all meant?”
“Really? You figured out what it all meant?”
“Yes, I know what it all meant.”
“Yes, I understand what it all meant.”
“Can you gratify my not unnatural curiosity?”
“Can you satisfy my perfectly normal curiosity?”
“I can say nothing about it, except that I know how the misunderstanding arose.”
“I can’t say much about it, except that I understand how the misunderstanding happened.”
Rhoda was betraying the effort it had cost her to seem so self-possessed when she entered. Her colour had deepened, and she spoke hurriedly, unevenly.
Rhoda was revealing how much effort it took her to appear so composed when she walked in. Her face was flushed, and she spoke quickly and unsteadily.
“And it didn’t occur to you that it would be a kindness, not inconsistent with your dignity, to make me in some way acquainted with this fact?”
“And you didn’t think it would be nice, and not beneath your dignity, to let me know about this fact in some way?”
“I feel no uneasiness on your account.”
"I’m not worried about you."
Everard laughed.
Everard chuckled.
“Splendidly frank, as of old. You really didn’t care in the least how much I suffered?”
“Brutally honest, just like before. You really didn’t care at all how much I suffered?”
“You misunderstand me. I felt sure that you didn’t suffer at all.”
"You've got me wrong. I was sure that you weren't in any pain."
“Ah, I see. You imagined me calm in the assurance that I should some day be justified.”
“Ah, I get it. You thought I was calm, believing that I would eventually be justified.”
“I had every reason for imagining it,” rejoined Rhoda. “Otherwise, you would have given some sign.”
“I had every reason to think that,” Rhoda replied. “Otherwise, you would have shown some sign.”
Of course he had deeply offended her by his persistent silence. He had intended to do so first of all; and afterwards—had thought it might be as well. Now that he had got over the difficulty of the meeting he enjoyed his sense of security. How the interview would end he know not; but on his side there would be nothing hasty, unconsidered, merely emotional. Had Rhoda any new revelation of personality within her resources?—that was the question. If so, he would be pleased to observe it. If not—why, it was only the end to which he had long ago looked forward.
Of course, he had seriously offended her with his constant silence. That was his intention at first, and later he thought it might be for the best. Now that he had gotten past the awkwardness of meeting her, he felt a sense of security. He didn’t know how the conversation would end; however, he wasn’t going to act hastily or emotionally. The real question was whether Rhoda had any new aspects of her personality to reveal. If she did, he would be interested to see it. If not, then it was just the conclusion he had anticipated for a long time.
“It was not for me to give any sign,” he remarked.
“It wasn’t up to me to give any sign,” he said.
“Yet you have said that it is well to have reason on one’s side.”
“Yet you have said that it’s good to have reason on your side.”
Perhaps a softer note allowed itself to be detected in these words. In any case, they were not plainly ironical.
Perhaps a more gentle tone could be sensed in these words. Either way, they weren't obviously sarcastic.
“Admit, then, that an approach was due from me. I have made it. I am here.”
“Okay, I admit that I needed to come forward. I’ve done that. I’m here.”
Rhoda said nothing. Yet she had not an air of expectancy. Her eye was grave, rather sad, as though for the moment she had forgotten what was at issue, and had lost herself in remoter thought. Regarding her, Everard felt a nobility in her countenance which amply justified all he had ever felt and said. But was there anything more—any new power?
Rhoda said nothing. Still, she didn’t look like she was waiting for anything. Her expression was serious, almost sad, as if she had temporarily lost track of what was happening and had drifted into deeper thoughts. As Everard looked at her, he sensed a greatness in her face that confirmed everything he had ever felt and said. But was there something else—any new strength?
“So we go back,” he pursued, “to our day at Wastwater. The perfect day—wasn’t it?”
“So we go back,” he continued, “to our day at Wastwater. The perfect day—wasn’t it?”
“I shall never wish to forget it,” said Rhoda reflectively.
“I never want to forget it,” Rhoda said thoughtfully.
“And we stand as when we quitted each other that night—do we?”
“And we stand as we did when we parted that night—right?”
She glanced at him.
She looked at him.
“I think not.”
"I don't think so."
“Then what is the difference?”
“What's the difference then?”
He waited some seconds, and repeated the question before Rhoda answered.
He waited a few seconds and asked the question again before Rhoda replied.
“You are conscious of no difference?” she said.
“You don’t notice any difference?” she asked.
“Months have elapsed. We are different because we are older. But you speak as if you were conscious of some greater change.”
“Months have passed. We are different because we've grown older. But you talk as if you're aware of some deeper change.”
“Yes, you are changed noticeably. I thought I knew you; perhaps I did. Now I should have to learn you all over again. It is difficult, you see, for me to keep pace with you. Your opportunities are so much wider.”
“Yes, you’ve changed a lot. I thought I knew you; maybe I did. Now I’ll have to get to know you all over again. It’s tough, you see, for me to keep up with you. Your opportunities are so much broader.”
This was puzzling. Did it signify mere jealousy, or a profounder view of things? Her voice had something even of pathos, as though she uttered a simple thought, without caustic intention.
This was confusing. Did it just mean jealousy, or was there a deeper meaning behind it? Her voice had a hint of sadness, as if she was expressing a straightforward idea, without any harsh intention.
“I try not to waste my life,” he answered seriously. “I have made new acquaintances.”
“I try not to waste my life,” he replied earnestly. “I’ve made new friends.”
“Will you tell me about them?”
“Can you tell me about them?”
“Tell me first about yourself. You say you would never have written to me. That means, I think, that you never loved me. When you found that I had been wrongly suspected—and you suspected me yourself, say what you will—if you had loved me, you would have asked forgiveness.”
“First, tell me about yourself. You say you would never have reached out to me. That means, I think, that you never loved me. When you realized I had been wrongly suspected—and you suspected me too, admit it—if you loved me, you would have sought my forgiveness.”
“I have a like reason for doubting your love. If you had loved me you could never have waited so long without trying to remove the obstacle that was between us.”
“I have a similar reason to doubt your love. If you truly loved me, you would never have waited so long without making an effort to eliminate the obstacle that was between us.”
“It was you who put the obstacle there,” said Everard, smiling.
“It was you who put the obstacle there,” said Everard, smiling.
“No. An unlucky chance did that. Or a lucky one. Who knows?”
“No. That was just bad luck. Or maybe good luck. Who knows?”
He began to think: If this woman had enjoyed the social advantages to which Agnes Brissenden and those others were doubtless indebted for so much of their charm, would she not have been their equal, or more? For the first time he compassionated Rhoda. She was brave, and circumstances had not been kind to her. At this moment, was she not contending with herself? Was not her honesty, her dignity, struggling against the impulses of her heart? Rhoda’s love had been worth more than his, and it would be her one love in life. A fatuous reflection, perhaps; yet every moment’s observation seemed to confirm it.
He started to think: If this woman had experienced the social advantages that Agnes Brissenden and the others clearly owed for much of their charm, wouldn't she have been their equal, or even better? For the first time, he felt sympathy for Rhoda. She was strong, and life hadn't been kind to her. In this moment, wasn't she fighting against herself? Wasn't her honesty and dignity struggling against what her heart wanted? Rhoda's love had meant more than his, and it would be her only love in life. Perhaps a foolish thought; yet every moment he observed seemed to back it up.
“Well, now,” he said, “there’s the question which we must decide. If you incline to think that the chance was fortunate—”
“Well, now,” he said, “there’s the question we need to decide. If you think the chance was lucky—”
She would not speak.
She stayed silent.
“We must know each other’s mind.”
“We need to understand each other’s thoughts.”
“Ah, that is so difficult!” Rhoda murmured, just raising her hand and letting it fall.
“Ugh, that's so hard!” Rhoda murmured, just lifting her hand and letting it drop.
“Yes, unless we give each other help. Let us imagine ourselves back at Seascale, down by the waves. (How cold and grim it must be there to-night!) I repeat what I said then: Rhoda, will you marry me?”
“Yes, unless we help each other. Let's picture ourselves back at Seascale, by the waves. (How cold and bleak it must be there tonight!) I’ll say it again: Rhoda, will you marry me?”
She looked fixedly at him.
She stared at him.
“You didn’t say that then.”
"You didn't say that back then."
“What do the words matter?”
"What do the words mean?"
“That was not what you said.”
"That's not what you meant."
He watched the agitation of her features, until his gaze seemed to compel her to move. She stepped towards the fireplace, and moved a little screen that stood too near the fender.
He observed the tension in her expression until his gaze seemed to urge her to act. She walked over to the fireplace and rearranged a small screen that was positioned too close to the fender.
“Why do you want me to repeat exactly what I said?” Everard asked, rising and following her.
“Why do you want me to repeat exactly what I said?” Everard asked, standing up and following her.
“You speak of the “perfect day.” Didn’t the day’s perfection end before there was any word of marriage?”
“You talk about the 'perfect day.' Didn’t that perfect day end before anyone even mentioned marriage?”
He looked at her with surprise. She had spoken without turning her face towards him; it was visible now only by the glow of the fire. Yes, what she said was true, but a truth which he had neither expected nor desired to hear. Had the new revelation prepared itself?
He looked at her in surprise. She had spoken without turning her face toward him; now it was only visible by the glow of the fire. Yes, what she said was true, but it was a truth he hadn’t expected or wanted to hear. Had this new revelation come out on its own?
“Who first used the word, Rhoda?”
“Who was the first to use the word, Rhoda?”
“Yes; I did.”
"Yes, I did."
There was silence. Rhoda stood unmoving, the fire’s glow upon her face, and Barfoot watched her.
There was silence. Rhoda stood still, the firelight casting a glow on her face, and Barfoot watched her.
“Perhaps,” he said at length, “I was not quite serious when I—”
“Maybe,” he said after a pause, “I wasn’t being totally serious when I—”
She turned sharply upon him, a flash of indignation in her eyes.
She turned quickly toward him, her eyes flashing with anger.
“Not quite serious? Yes, I have thought that. And were you quite serious in anything you said?”
“Not really serious? Yeah, I’ve thought that. And were you really serious about anything you said?”
“I loved you,” he answered curtly, answering her steady look.
“I loved you,” he replied sharply, meeting her steady gaze.
“Yet wanted to see whether—”
“Yet wanted to see if—”
She could not finish the sentence; her throat quivered.
She couldn't finish the sentence; her throat trembled.
“I loved you, that’s all. And I believe I still love you.”
“I loved you, that’s it. And I think I still love you.”
Rhoda turned to the fire again.
Rhoda turned back to the fire.
“Will you marry me?” he asked, moving a step nearer.
“Will you marry me?” he asked, stepping closer.
“I think you are “not quite serious”.”
“I think you’re “not really serious.””
“I have asked you twice. I ask for the third time.”
“I’ve asked you twice. I’m asking for the third time.”
“I won’t marry you with the forms of marriage,” Rhoda answered in an abrupt, harsh tone.
“I won’t marry you in the traditional way,” Rhoda replied sharply.
“Now it is you who play with a serious matter.”
“Now it’s you who are joking about something serious.”
“You said we had both changed. I see now that our “perfect day” was marred by my weakness at the end. If you wish to go back in imagination to that summer night, restore everything, only let me be what I now am.”
“You said we’ve both changed. I realize now that our “perfect day” was ruined by my weakness at the end. If you want to go back in your mind to that summer night, bring everything back, just let me be who I am now.”
Everard shook his head.
Everard sighed.
“Impossible. It must be then or now for both of us.”
“Impossible. It has to be either then or now for both of us.”
“Legal marriage,” she said, glancing at him, “has acquired some new sanction for you since then?”
“Legal marriage,” she said, looking at him, “has gained some new significance for you since then?”
“On the whole, perhaps it has.”
"Overall, maybe it has."
“Naturally. But I shall never marry, so we will speak no more of it.”
“Of course. But I’m never getting married, so let’s not talk about it anymore.”
As if finally dismissing the subject she walked to the opposite side of the hearth, and there turned towards her companion with a cold smile.
As if finally putting the topic to rest, she walked to the other side of the fireplace and turned to her companion with a chilly smile.
“In other words, then, you have ceased to love me?”
“In other words, you no longer love me?”
“Yes, I no longer love you.”
“Yes, I don’t love you anymore.”
“Yet, if I had been willing to revive that fantastic idealism—as you thought it—”
“Yet, if I had been willing to bring back that amazing idealism—as you saw it—”
She interrupted him sternly.
She interrupted him firmly.
“What was it?”
“What is it?”
“Oh, a kind of idealism undoubtedly. I was so bent on making sure that you loved me.”
“Oh, definitely a kind of idealism. I was so focused on making sure that you loved me.”
She laughed.
She chuckled.
“After all, the perfection of our day was half make-believe. You never loved me with entire sincerity. And you will never love any woman—even as well as you loved me.”
“After all, the perfection of our day was partly fake. You never loved me completely sincerely. And you will never love any woman—even as well as you loved me.”
“Upon my soul, I believe it, Rhoda. And even now—”
“Honestly, I believe it, Rhoda. And even now—”
“And even now it is just possible for us to say good-bye with something like friendliness. But not if you talk longer. Don’t let us spoil it; things are so straight—and clear—”
“And even now it’s still possible for us to say goodbye with a bit of warmth. But not if you keep talking. Let’s not ruin it; everything is so straightforward—and clear—”
A threatened sob made her break off, but she recovered herself and offered him her hand.
A shaky breath made her pause, but she pulled herself together and extended her hand to him.
* * *
Understood. Please provide the short piece of text you'd like me to modernize.
He walked all the way back to his hotel, and the cold, clammy night restored his equanimity. A fortnight later, sending a Christmas present, with greetings, to Mr. and Mrs. Micklethwaite, he wrote thus—
He walked all the way back to his hotel, and the cold, damp night brought him back to a sense of calm. Two weeks later, when sending a Christmas gift and greetings to Mr. and Mrs. Micklethwaite, he wrote like this—
“I am about to do my duty—as you put it—that is, to marry. The name of my future wife is Miss Agnes Brissenden. It will be in March, I think. But I shall see you before then, and give you a fuller account of myself.”
“I’m about to do my duty—as you call it—that is, get married. My future wife's name is Miss Agnes Brissenden. I think it’ll be in March. But I’ll see you before then and give you a more detailed update about myself.”
CHAPTER XXXI
A NEW BEGINNING
Widdowson tried two or three lodgings; he settled at length in a small house at Hampstead; occupying two plain rooms. Here, at long intervals, his friend Newdick came to see him, but no one else. He had brought with him a selection of solid books from his library, and over these the greater part of each day was spent. Not that he studied with any zeal; reading, and of a kind that demanded close attention, was his only resource against melancholia; he knew not how else to occupy himself. Adam Smith’s classical work, perused with laborious thoroughness, gave him employment for a couple of months; subsequently he plodded through all the volumes of Hallam.
Widdowson tried a couple of places to stay before finally choosing a small house in Hampstead with just two simple rooms. Here, every now and then, his friend Newdick would come to visit, but no one else did. He had brought a selection of solid books from his library, and most of his days were spent reading them. Not that he was particularly enthusiastic about studying; reading, especially texts that required careful attention, was his only way to fend off sadness; he didn’t know how else to fill his time. Adam Smith’s classic work, which he read with painstaking detail, kept him busy for a couple of months; after that, he trudged through all the volumes of Hallam.
His landlady, and the neighbours who were at leisure to observe him when he went out for his two hours’ walk in the afternoon, took him for an old gentleman of sixty-five or so. He no longer held himself upright, and when out of doors seldom raised his eyes from the ground; grey streaks had begun to brindle his hair; his face grew yellower and more deeply furrowed. Of his personal appearance, even of cleanliness, he became neglectful, and occasionally it happened that he lay in bed all through the morning, reading, dozing, or in a state of mental vacuity.
His landlady and the neighbors who had the time to watch him during his two-hour afternoon walk considered him to be an elderly gentleman around sixty-five. He no longer stood up straight and rarely looked up from the ground when he was outside; grey streaks began to mix in with his hair, and his face became more yellow and deeply lined. He became careless about his personal appearance and even his hygiene, and there were times when he would stay in bed all morning, reading, dozing off, or just zoned out.
It was long since he had seen his relative, the sprightly widow; but he had heard from her. On the point of leaving England for her summer holiday, Mrs. Luke sent him a few lines, urging him, in the language of the world, to live more sensibly, and let his wife “have her head” now and then; it would be better for both of them. Then followed the time of woe, and for many weeks he gave no thought to Mrs. Luke. But close upon the end of the year he received one day a certain society journal, addressed in a hand he knew to the house at Herne Hill. In it was discoverable, marked with a red pencil, the following paragraph.
It had been a long time since he had seen his lively relative, the widow; but he had heard from her. Just before leaving England for her summer vacation, Mrs. Luke sent him a brief note, urging him to be more sensible and to let his wife have some independence every now and then; it would be better for both of them. Then came a period of sorrow, and for many weeks, he didn’t think about Mrs. Luke at all. However, just before the year ended, he received a certain society magazine one day, addressed in handwriting he recognized to the house at Herne Hill. Inside, he found a highlighted paragraph marked with a red pencil.
“Among the English who this year elected to take their repose and recreation at Trouville there was no more brilliant figure than Mrs. Luke Widdowson. This lady is well known in the monde where one never s’ennuie; where smart people are gathered together, there is the charming widow sure to be seen. We are able to announce that, before leaving Trouville, Mrs. Widdowson had consented to a private engagement with Capt. William Horrocks—no other, indeed, than “Captain Bill,” the universal favourite, so beloved by hostesses as a sure dancing man. By the lamented death of his father, this best of good fellows has now become Sir William, and we understand that his marriage will be celebrated after the proper delays. Our congratulations!”
“Among the English who chose to relax and have fun at Trouville this year, no one stood out more than Mrs. Luke Widdowson. This lady is well-known in the monde where there’s never a dull moment; where stylish people gather, you can count on seeing the charming widow. We’re excited to share that before leaving Trouville, Mrs. Widdowson agreed to a private engagement with Capt. William Horrocks—better known as “Captain Bill,” the universally loved favorite of hostesses for his dancing skills. Following the sad passing of his father, this great guy has now become Sir William, and we hear that his wedding will take place after the usual waiting period. Our congratulations!”
Subsequently arrived a newspaper with an account of the marriage. Mrs. Luke was now Lady Horrocks: she had the title desired of her heart.
Subsequently, a newspaper arrived with a story about the marriage. Mrs. Luke was now Lady Horrocks; she had the title she had always wanted.
Another two months went by, and there came a letter—re-addressed, like the other communications, at the post office—in which the baronet’s wife declared herself anxious to hear of her friends. She found they had left Herne Hill; if this letter reached him, would not Edmund come and see her at her house in Wimpole Street?
Another two months passed, and a letter arrived—picked up, like the other letters, at the post office—in which the baronet's wife expressed her eagerness to hear about her friends. She discovered they had moved from Herne Hill; if this letter got to him, would Edmund come and visit her at her house on Wimpole Street?
Misery of solitude, desire for a woman’s sympathy and counsel, impelled him to use this opportunity, little as it seemed to promise. He went to Wimpole Street and had a very long private talk with Lady Horrocks, who, in some way he could not understand, had changed from her old self. She began frivolously, but in rather a dull, make-believe way; and when she heard that Widdowson had parted from his wife, when a few vague, miserable words had suggested the domestic drama so familiar to her observation, she at once grew quiet, sober, sympathetic, as if really glad to have something serious to talk about.
The loneliness he felt and his need for a woman's understanding and advice drove him to seize this moment, even if it didn't seem very promising. He went to Wimpole Street and had a long private conversation with Lady Horrocks, who, in a way he couldn't quite grasp, had changed from her usual self. She started off lightheartedly, but it felt a bit forced and dull; when she learned that Widdowson had split from his wife, and after a few vague, sorrowful words hinted at the domestic turmoil she was all too familiar with, she instantly became quiet, serious, and empathetic, as if genuinely relieved to have something meaningful to discuss.
“Now look here, Edmund. Tell the whole story from the first. You’re the sort of man to make awful blunders in such a case as this. Just tell me all about it. I’m not a bad sort, you know, and I have troubles of my own—I don’t mind telling you so much. Women make fools of themselves—well, never mind. Just tell me about the little girl, and see if we can’t square things somehow.”
“Okay, Edmund. Start from the beginning and tell the whole story. You tend to mess things up in situations like this. Just fill me in on everything. I’m not a bad person, and I’ve got my own issues—I don’t mind sharing that. Women can really make mistakes—well, let’s skip that for now. Just tell me about the little girl, and let’s see if we can’t figure something out.”
He had a struggle with himself, but at length narrated everything, often interrupted by shrewd questions.
He battled with himself, but eventually shared everything, often interrupted by sharp questions.
“No one writes to you?” the listener finally inquired.
“No one writes to you?” the listener finally asked.
“I am expecting to hear from them,” was Widdowson’s answer, as he sat in the usual position, head hanging forward and hands clasped between his knees.
“I’m waiting to hear from them,” Widdowson replied, sitting in his usual position with his head hanging forward and his hands clasped between his knees.
“To hear what?”
“To hear what now?”
“I think I shall be sent for.”
“I think they’ll come for me.”
“Sent for? To make it up?”
"Called for? To make amends?"
“She is going to give birth to a child.”
“She is about to have a baby.”
Lady Horrocks nodded twice thoughtfully, and with a faint smile.
Lady Horrocks nodded thoughtfully a couple of times, with a faint smile.
“How did you find this out?”
“How did you figure this out?”
“I have known it long enough. Her sister Virginia told me before they went away. I had a suspicion all at once, and I forced her to tell me.”
“I've known for a while now. Her sister Virginia told me before they left. I suddenly had a feeling, and I made her tell me.”
“And if you are sent for shall you go?”
“And if they call for you, will you go?”
Widdowson seemed to mutter an affirmative, and added,—
Widdowson appeared to mumble in agreement and added,—
“I shall hear what she has to tell me, as she promised.”
“I will listen to what she has to say, just like she promised.”
“Is it—is it possible—?”
"Is it possible?"
The lady’s question remained incomplete. Widdowson, though he understood it, vouchsafed no direct answer. Intense suffering was manifest in his face, and at length he spoke vehemently.
The lady’s question was left unfinished. Widdowson, although he understood it, didn't give a straightforward answer. The pain was clear on his face, and after a while, he spoke passionately.
“Whatever she tells me—how can I believe it? When once a woman has lied how can she ever again be believed? I can’t be sure of anything.”
“Whatever she tells me—how can I trust it? Once a woman has lied, how can she ever be trusted again? I can’t be sure of anything.”
“All that fibbing,” remarked Lady Horrocks, “has an unpleasant look. No denying it. She got entangled somehow. But I think you had better believe that she pulled up just in time.”
“All that lying,” said Lady Horrocks, “looks pretty bad. No denying it. She got caught up in it somehow. But I think you should believe that she managed to stop just in time.”
“I have no love for her left,” he went on in a despairing voice. “It all perished in those frightful days. I tried hard to think that I still loved her. I kept writing letters—but they meant nothing—or they only meant that I was driven half crazy by wretchedness. I had rather we lived on as we have been doing. It’s miserable enough for me, God knows; but it would be worse to try and behave to her as if I could forget everything. I know her explanation won’t satisfy me. Whatever it is I shall still suspect her. I don’t know that the child is mine. It may be. Perhaps as it grows up there will be a likeness to help me to make sure. But what a life! Every paltry trifle will make me uneasy; and if I discovered any fresh deceit I should do something terrible. You don’t know how near I was—”
"I have no love for her anymore," he continued in a hopeless voice. "It all disappeared during those dreadful days. I tried hard to convince myself that I still loved her. I kept writing letters—but they meant nothing—or they just showed how I was driven half mad by misery. I’d rather we just kept living as we have been. It’s miserable enough for me, God knows; but it would be worse to pretend that I could forget everything. I know her explanation won’t satisfy me. No matter what it is, I’ll always suspect her. I don’t even know if the child is mine. It might be. Maybe as the child grows up, there will be some resemblance to help me figure it out. But what a life! Every little thing will make me anxious; and if I found out about any new deceit, I would do something awful. You don’t know how close I was—"
He shuddered and hid his face.
He shivered and covered his face.
“The Othello business won’t do,” said Lady Horrocks not unkindly. “You couldn’t have gone on together, of course; you had to part for a time. Well, that’s all over; take it as something that couldn’t be helped. You were behaving absurdly, you know; I told you plainly; I guessed there’d be trouble. You oughtn’t to have married at all, that’s the fact; it would be better for most of us if we kept out of it. Some marry for a good reason, some for a bad, and mostly it all comes to the same in the end. But there, never mind. Pull yourself together, dear boy. It’s all nonsense about not caring for her. Of course you’re eating your heart out for want of her. And I’ll tell you what I think: it’s very likely Monica was pulled up just in time by discovering—you understand?—that she was more your wife than any one else’s. Something tells me that’s how it was. Just try to look at it in that way. If the child lives she’ll be different. She has sowed her wild oats—why shouldn’t a woman as well as a man? Go down to Clevedon and forgive her. You’re an honest man, and it isn’t every woman—never mind. I could tell you stories about people—but you wouldn’t care to hear them. Just take things with a laugh—we all have to. Life’s as you take it: all gloom or moderately shiny.”
“The Othello situation isn't going to work,” Lady Horrocks said kindly. “You couldn’t have stayed together, obviously; you needed to separate for a while. Well, that’s all behind you now; treat it as something unavoidable. You were acting ridiculous, you know; I told you straight up; I sensed there would be issues. You really shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place, that’s the truth; it would be better for most of us if we stayed out of it. Some marry for good reasons, some for bad, and mostly it all ends up being the same anyway. But never mind that. Get a grip, dear boy. It’s nonsense to say you don’t care for her. Of course, you’re heartbroken without her. And I think this: it’s very likely Monica realized—do you get it?—that she was more your wife than anyone else’s. Something tells me that’s how it went down. Try to see it that way. If the child survives, she’ll be different. She has lived her wild years—why shouldn’t a woman do the same as a man? Go down to Clevedon and forgive her. You’re a decent man, and not every woman—never mind. I could share stories about people—but you probably wouldn’t want to hear them. Just take things lightly—we all have to. Life is what you make of it: all gloom or somewhat bright.”
With much more to the same solacing effect. For the time Widdowson was perchance a trifle comforted; at all events, he went away with a sense of gratitude to Lady Horrocks. And when he had left the house he remembered that not even a civil formality with regard to Sir William had fallen from his lips. But Sir William’s wife, for whatever reason, had also not once mentioned the baronet’s name.
With a lot more of the same comforting effect. For a moment, Widdowson felt somewhat consoled; in any case, he left with a sense of gratitude towards Lady Horrocks. And after he left the house, he realized that he hadn't even offered a polite acknowledgment of Sir William. But for whatever reason, Sir William's wife also hadn't mentioned the baronet's name at all.
* * *
Understood. Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
Only a few days passed before Widdowson received the summons he was expecting. It came in the form of a telegram, bidding him hasten to his wife; not a word of news added. At the time of its arrival he was taking his afternoon walk; this delay made it doubtful whether he could get to Paddington by six-twenty, the last train which would enable him to reach Clevedon that night. He managed it, with only two or three minutes to spare.
Only a few days went by before Widdowson got the call he was expecting. It arrived as a telegram, urging him to rush to his wife; there was no additional information included. When it came, he was out for his afternoon walk, which made it questionable whether he could make it to Paddington by six-twenty, the last train that would get him to Clevedon that night. He just barely made it, with only two or three minutes to spare.
Not till he was seated in the railway carriage could he fix his thoughts on the end of the journey. An inexpressible repugnance then affected him; he would have welcomed any disaster to the train, any injury which might prevent his going to Monica at such a time. Often, in anticipation, the event which was now come to pass had confused and darkened his mind; he loathed the thought of it. If the child, perhaps already born, were in truth his, it must be very long before he could regard it with a shadow of paternal interest; uncertainty, to which he was condemned, would in all likelihood make it an object of aversion to him as long as he lived.
Not until he sat down in the train carriage could he focus on the end of the journey. An overwhelming feeling of disgust then hit him; he would have welcomed any disaster to the train, anything that might stop him from going to Monica at such a time. Often, in anticipation, the event that was now happening had filled his mind with confusion and dread; he hated the thought of it. If the child, maybe already born, was indeed his, it would take a long time before he could feel even a hint of paternal interest; the uncertainty he was stuck with would likely turn it into an object of aversion for him for the rest of his life.
He was at Bristol by a quarter past nine, and had to change for a slow train, which by ten o’clock brought him to Yatton, the little junction for Clevedon. It was a fine starry night, but extremely cold. For the few minutes of detention he walked restlessly about the platform. His chief emotion was now a fear lest all might not go well with Monica. Whether he could believe what she had to tell him or not, it would be worse if she were to die before he could hear her exculpation. The anguish of remorse would seize upon him.
He arrived in Bristol at a quarter past nine and had to switch to a slow train, which took him to Yatton, the small junction for Clevedon, by ten o’clock. It was a beautiful starry night, but very cold. As he waited on the platform, he walked around restlessly for a few minutes. His main worry was that something might happen to Monica. Whether he could trust what she had to say or not, it would be even worse if she died before he could hear her explanation. The pain of guilt would overwhelm him.
Alone in his compartment, he did not sit down, but stamped backwards and forwards on the floor, and before the train stopped he jumped out. No cab was procurable; he left his bag at the station, and hastened with all speed in the direction that he remembered. But very soon the crossways had confused him. As he met no one whom he could ask to direct him, he had to knock at a door. Streaming with perspiration, he came at length within sight of his own house. A church clock was striking eleven.
Alone in his train compartment, he didn’t sit down but paced back and forth on the floor, and before the train came to a stop, he jumped out. There were no cabs available; he left his bag at the station and rushed in the direction he remembered. But he quickly got confused by the intersections. Since he didn’t encounter anyone to ask for directions, he had to knock on a door. Sweating profusely, he finally spotted his house. A church clock was chiming eleven.
Alice and Virginia were both standing in the hall when the door was opened; they beckoned him into a room.
Alice and Virginia were both standing in the hallway when the door opened; they gestured for him to come into the room.
“Is it over?” he asked, staring from one to the other with his dazzled eyes.
“Is it over?” he asked, looking from one to the other with his wide eyes.
“At four this afternoon,” answered Alice, scarce able to articulate. “A little girl.”
“At four this afternoon,” Alice replied, barely able to speak. “A little girl.”
“She had to have chloroform,” said Virginia, who looked a miserable, lifeless object, and shook like one in an ague.
“She had to have chloroform,” said Virginia, who looked like a sad, lifeless being and trembled like someone with a fever.
“And all’s well?”
“And all’s good?”
“We think so—we hope so,” they stammered together.
“We think so—we hope so,” they stuttered in unison.
Alice added that the doctor was to make another call to-night. They had a good nurse. The infant seemed healthy, but was a very, very little mite, and had only made its voice heard for a few minutes.
Alice mentioned that the doctor was going to make another visit tonight. They had a good nurse. The baby seemed healthy, but was very, very small and had only cried for a few minutes.
“She knows you sent for me?”
“She knows you called for me?”
“Yes. And we have something to give you. You were to have this as soon as you arrived.”
“Yes. And we have something for you. You were supposed to get this as soon as you arrived.”
Miss Madden handed him a sealed envelope; then both the sisters drew away, as if fearing the result of what they had done. Widdowson just glanced at the unaddressed missive and put it into his pocket.
Miss Madden handed him a sealed envelope; then both sisters stepped back, as if worried about the outcome of their actions. Widdowson merely glanced at the unaddressed letter and put it in his pocket.
“I must have something to eat,” he said, wiping his forehead. “When the doctor comes I’ll see him.”
“I need something to eat,” he said, wiping his forehead. “I’ll see the doctor when he arrives.”
This visit took place while he was engaged on his supper. On coming down from the patient the doctor gave him an assurance that things were progressing “fairly well”; the morning, probably, would enable him to speak with yet more confidence. Widdowson had another brief conversation with the sisters, then bade them good-night, and went to the room that had been prepared for him. As he closed the door he heard a thin, faint wail, and stood listening until it ceased; it came from a room on the floor below.
This visit happened while he was having dinner. When the doctor came down from seeing the patient, he assured him that things were going “fairly well”; in the morning, he would likely be able to speak with even more confidence. Widdowson had a quick chat with the nurses, then said goodnight and went to the room that had been set up for him. As he shut the door, he heard a weak, faint cry and listened until it stopped; it came from a room on the floor below.
Having brought himself with an effort to open the envelope he had received, he found several sheets of notepaper, one of them, remarked immediately, in a man’s writing. At this he first glanced, and the beginning showed him that it was a love-letter written to Monica. He threw it aside and took up the other sheets, which contained a long communication from his wife; it was dated two months ago. In it Monica recounted to him, with scrupulous truthfulness, the whole story of her relations with Bevis.
Having finally managed to open the envelope he received, he found several sheets of notepaper, one of which was clearly written by a man. He glanced at it and saw right away that it was a love letter addressed to Monica. He tossed it aside and picked up the other sheets, which included a lengthy letter from his wife; it was dated two months ago. In it, Monica honestly recounted the entire story of her relationship with Bevis.
“I only make this confession”—so she concluded—“for the sake of the poor child that will soon be born. The child is yours, and ought not to suffer because of what I did. The enclosed letter will prove this to you, if anything can. For myself I ask nothing. I don’t think I shall live. If I do I will consent to anything you propose. I only ask you to behave without any pretence; if you cannot forgive me, do not make a show of it. Say what your will is, and that shall be enough”.
“I’m only admitting this,” she finished, “for the sake of the poor child who will be born soon. The child is yours and shouldn’t suffer because of my actions. The attached letter will prove this to you, if anything can. As for myself, I don’t want anything. I don’t think I’ll survive. If I do, I’ll agree to whatever you suggest. I just ask that you be honest; if you can’t forgive me, don’t pretend to. Just tell me what you want, and that will be enough.”
He did not go to bed that night. There was a fire in the room, and he kept it alight until daybreak, when he descended softly to the hall and let himself out of the house.
He didn’t go to bed that night. There was a fire in the room, and he kept it burning until dawn, when he quietly went down to the hall and let himself out of the house.
In a fierce wind that swept from the north-west down the foaming Channel, he walked for an hour or two, careless whither the roads directed him. All he desired was to be at a distance from that house, with its hideous silence and the faint cry that could scarcely be called a sound. The necessity of returning, of spending days there, was an oppression which held him like a nightmare.
In a strong wind coming from the northwest across the choppy Channel, he walked for a couple of hours, not really worried about where the roads led him. All he wanted was to be far away from that house, with its awful silence and the distant sound that barely qualified as a noise. The thought of going back, of having to spend days there, felt like a heavy weight on him, like a bad dream.
Monica’s statement he neither believed nor disbelieved; he simply could not make up his mind about it. She had lied to him so resolutely before; was she not capable of elaborate falsehood to save her reputation and protect her child? The letter from Bevis might have been a result of conspiracy between them.
Monica’s statement was something he neither believed nor disbelieved; he just couldn’t decide what to think about it. She had lied to him so convincingly before; was she not capable of coming up with a detailed lie to save her reputation and protect her child? The letter from Bevis could have been part of a scheme between them.
That Bevis was the man against whom his jealousy should have been directed at first astounded him. By now he had come to a full perception of his stupidity in never entertaining such a thought. The revelation was equivalent to a second offence just discovered; for he found it impossible to ignore his long-cherished suspicion of Barfoot, and he even surmised the possibility of Monica’s having listened to love-making from that quarter previously to her intimacy with Bevis. He loathed the memory of his life since marriage; and as for pardoning his wife, he could as soon pardon and smile upon the author of that accursed letter from Bordeaux.
That Bevis was the guy who should have been the target of his jealousy at first really surprised him. By now, he fully realized how foolish he had been for never considering this. The discovery felt like finding out about a second betrayal he had missed; he couldn't shake off the suspicion he had held against Barfoot for so long, and he even wondered if Monica had ever listened to romantic talks from him before she got close to Bevis. He hated the memory of his life since getting married; as for forgiving his wife, he might as well forgive and smile at the person who wrote that terrible letter from Bordeaux.
But go back to the house he must. By obeying his impulse, and straightway returning to London, he might be the cause of a fatal turn in Monica’s illness. Constraint of bare humanity would keep him here until his wife was out of danger. But he could not see her, and as soon as possible he must escape from such unendurable circumstances.
But he must go back to the house. If he followed his urge and went straight back to London, he might end up making Monica’s illness worse. Simple human decency would keep him here until his wife was out of danger. But he couldn’t see her, and he needed to get away from these unbearable circumstances as soon as he could.
Re-entering at half-past eight, he was met by Alice, who seemed to have slept as little as he himself had done. They went into the dining-room.
Re-entering at 8:30, he was greeted by Alice, who looked like she had slept as little as he had. They went into the dining room.
“She has been inquiring about you,” began Miss Madden timorously.
“She’s been asking about you,” Miss Madden began hesitantly.
“How is she?”
"How's she doing?"
“Not worse, I believe. But so very weak. She wishes me to ask you—”
“Not worse, I guess. But so very weak. She wants me to ask you—”
“What?”
"What?"
His manner did not encourage the poor woman.
His attitude didn’t do anything to support the poor woman.
“I shall be obliged to tell her something. If I have nothing to say she will fret herself into a dangerous state. She wants to know if you have read her letter, and if—if you will see the child.”
“I have to tell her something. If I don’t have anything to say, she’ll worry herself into a dangerous state. She wants to know if you’ve read her letter, and if—if you will see the child.”
Widdowson turned away and stood irresolute. He felt Miss Madden’s hand upon his arm.
Widdowson turned away and hesitated. He felt Miss Madden’s hand on his arm.
“Oh, don’t refuse! Let me give her some comfort.”
“Oh, don’t say no! Let me offer her some comfort.”
“It’s the child she’s anxious about?”
“It’s the kid she’s worried about?”
Alice admitted it, looking into her brother-in-law’s face with woeful appeal.
Alice confessed it, gazing into her brother-in-law's face with a look of deep regret.
“Say I will see it,” he answered, “and have it brought into some room—then say I have seen it.”
“Say I’ll see it,” he replied, “and have it taken to a room—then say I have seen it.”
“Mayn’t I take her a word of forgiveness?”
“Can’t I pass on a word of forgiveness to her?”
“Yes, say I forgive her. She doesn’t wish me to go to her?”
“Yes, tell her I forgive her. She doesn’t want me to go to her?”
Alice shook her head.
Alice said no.
“Then say I forgive her.”
“Then say I forgive her.”
As he directed so it was done; and in the course of the morning Miss Madden brought word to him that her sister had experienced great relief. She was sleeping.
As he instructed, it was done; and later that morning, Miss Madden informed him that her sister had found significant relief. She was sleeping.
But the doctor thought it necessary to make two visits before nightfall, and late in the evening he came again. He explained to Widdowson that there were complications, not unlikely to be dangerous, and finally he suggested that, if the morrow brought no decided improvement, a second medical man should be called in to consult. This consultation was held. In the afternoon Virginia came weeping to her brother-in-law, and told him that Monica was delirious. That night the whole household watched. Another day was passed in the gravest anxiety, and at dusk the medical attendant no longer disguised his opinion that Mrs. Widdowson was sinking. She became unconscious soon after, and in the early morning breathed her last.
But the doctor felt it was important to make two visits before nightfall, and he came back late in the evening. He told Widdowson that there were complications that could be serious, and he finally suggested that if there was no significant improvement by the next day, they should bring in a second doctor for a consultation. This consultation took place. In the afternoon, Virginia came to her brother-in-law in tears and told him that Monica was delirious. That night, the whole household kept vigil. Another day passed with intense worry, and by dusk, the doctor no longer hid his belief that Mrs. Widdowson was losing ground. She lost consciousness soon after, and early in the morning, she passed away.
Widdowson was in the room, and at the end sat by the bedside for an hour. But he did not look upon his wife’s face. When it was told him that she had ceased to breathe, he rose and went into his own chamber, death-pale, but tearless.
Widdowson was in the room, and at the end sat by the bedside for an hour. But he didn’t look at his wife’s face. When he was told that she had stopped breathing, he got up and went into his own room, pale as death, but without tears.
* * *
Sure! Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
On the day after the funeral—Monica was buried in the cemetery, which is hard by the old church—Widdowson and the elder sister had a long conversation in private. It related first of all to the motherless baby. Widdowson’s desire was that Miss Madden should undertake the care of the child. She and Virginia might live wherever they preferred; their needs would be provided for. Alice had hardly dared to hope for such a proposal—as it concerned the child, that is to say. Gladly she accepted it.
On the day after the funeral—Monica was buried in the cemetery near the old church—Widdowson and the older sister had a long private conversation. They started by discussing the motherless baby. Widdowson wanted Miss Madden to take care of the child. She and Virginia could live wherever they wanted; their needs would be taken care of. Alice had barely dared to hope for such a proposal regarding the child. She gladly accepted it.
“But there’s something I must tell you,” she said, with embarrassed appeal in her wet eyes. “Poor Virginia wishes to go into an institution.”
“But there’s something I need to tell you,” she said, with a shy look in her tear-filled eyes. “Poor Virginia wants to go to a facility.”
Widdowson looked at her, not understanding; whereupon she broke into tears, and made known that her sister was such a slave to strong drink that they both despaired of reformation unless by help of the measure she had indicated. There were people, she had heard, who undertook the care of inebriates.
Widdowson looked at her, confused; then she burst into tears and revealed that her sister was so addicted to alcohol that they both felt hopeless about her getting better without the help of the solution she had suggested. She had heard there were people who took care of those struggling with alcoholism.
“You know that we are by no means penniless,” sobbed Alice. “We can very well bear the expense. But will you assist us to find a suitable place?”
“You know that we’re definitely not broke,” Alice cried. “We can easily cover the costs. But will you help us find a good place?”
He promised to proceed at once in the matter.
He promised to get started on it right away.
“And when she is cured,” said Miss Madden, “she shall come and live with me. And when baby is about two years old we will do what we have been purposing for a long time. We will open a school for young children, either here or at Weston. That will afford my poor sister occupation. Indeed, we shall both be better for the exertion of such an undertaking—don’t you think so?”
“And when she gets better,” said Miss Madden, “she will come and live with me. And when the baby is about two years old, we will finally do what we’ve been planning for a long time. We will open a school for young children, either here or in Weston. That will give my poor sister something to do. Honestly, we will both benefit from the effort of such a project—don’t you think so?”
“It would be a wise thing, I have no doubt whatever.”
“It would definitely be a smart thing, no doubt about it.”
The large house was to be abandoned, and as much of the furniture as seemed needful transported to a smaller dwelling in another part of Clevedon. For Alice resolved to stay here in spite of painful associations. She loved the place, and looked forward with quiet joy to the life that was prepared for her. Widdowson’s books would go back to London; not to the Hampstead lodgings, however. Fearful of solitude, he proposed to his friend Newdick that they should live together, he, as a man of substance, bearing the larger share of the expense. And this plan also came into execution.
The big house was going to be left behind, and as much of the necessary furniture as possible was going to be moved to a smaller home in another part of Clevedon. Alice decided to stay here despite the painful memories. She loved the place and looked forward with quiet happiness to the life that was ahead of her. Widdowson's books would go back to London, but not to the Hampstead apartment. Worried about being alone, he suggested to his friend Newdick that they should live together, with him, as a man of means, taking on a larger share of the costs. This plan was successfully put into action as well.
* * *
Understood! Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
Three months went by, and on a day of summer, when the wooded hills and green lanes and rich meadows of Clevedon looked their best, when the Channel was still and blue, and the Welsh mountains loomed through a sunny haze, Rhoda Nunn came over from the Mendips to see Miss Madden. It could not be a gladsome meeting, but Rhoda was bright and natural, and her talk as inspiriting as ever. She took the baby in her arms, and walked about with it for a long time in the garden, often murmuring, “Poor little child! Dear little child!” There had been doubt whether it would live, but the summer seemed to be fortifying its health. Alice, it was plain, had found her vocation; she looked better than at any time since Rhoda had known her. Her complexion was losing its muddiness and spottiness; her step had become light and brisk.
Three months passed, and on a summer day when the wooded hills, green lanes, and lush meadows of Clevedon looked their best—when the Channel was calm and blue, and the Welsh mountains appeared through a sunny haze—Rhoda Nunn came over from the Mendips to visit Miss Madden. It wasn't a joyful reunion, but Rhoda was cheerful and genuine, and her conversation was as uplifting as ever. She cradled the baby in her arms and walked around the garden with it for a long time, often whispering, “Poor little child! Dear little child!” There had been concerns about whether the baby would survive, but the summer seemed to be improving its health. It was clear that Alice had found her calling; she looked better than she had at any time since Rhoda had known her. Her complexion was becoming clearer and healthier; her step had turned light and lively.
“And where is your sister?” inquired Miss Nunn.
“And where is your sister?” Miss Nunn asked.
“Staying with friends at present. She will be back before long, I hope. And as soon as baby can walk we are going to think very seriously about the school. You remember?”
“Right now, she's staying with friends. I hope she'll be back soon. And as soon as the baby can walk, we’re going to seriously think about the school. Remember?”
“The school? You will really make the attempt?”
“The school? Are you really going to give it a try?”
“It will be so good for us both. Why, look,” she added laughingly, “here is one pupil growing for us!”
“It’s going to be great for both of us. Look,” she said with a laugh, “here’s one student developing for us!”
“Make a brave woman of her,” said Rhoda kindly.
“Make her a brave woman,” Rhoda said kindly.
“We will try—ah, we will try! And is your work as successful as ever?”
“We will try—oh, we will try! Is your work still going well?”
“More!” replied Rhoda. “We flourish like the green bay-tree. We shall have to take larger premises. By-the-bye, you must read the paper we are going to publish; the first number will be out in a month, though the name isn’t quite decided upon yet. Miss Barfoot was never in such health and spirit—nor I myself. The world is moving!”
“More!” replied Rhoda. “We’re thriving like a green bay tree. We’ll need to get a bigger space. By the way, you have to read the paper we’re about to publish; the first issue will come out in a month, although we haven’t completely settled on a name yet. Miss Barfoot has never been in better health or spirits—nor have I. The world is changing!”
Whilst Miss Madden went into the house to prepare hospitalities, Rhoda, still nursing, sat down on a garden bench. She gazed intently at those diminutive features, which were quite placid and relaxing in soft drowsiness. The dark, bright eye was Monica’s. And as the baby sank into sleep, Rhoda’s vision grew dim; a sigh made her lips quiver, and once more she murmured, “Poor little child!”
While Miss Madden went into the house to prepare refreshments, Rhoda, still nursing, sat down on a garden bench. She looked intently at the baby’s tiny features, which were calm and relaxing in soft drowsiness. The dark, bright eye belonged to Monica. And as the baby fell asleep, Rhoda’s vision became blurry; a sigh made her lips tremble, and she softly murmured, “Poor little child!”
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