This is a modern-English version of A Pickle for the Knowing Ones, originally written by Dexter, Timothy.
It has been thoroughly updated, including changes to sentence structure, words, spelling,
and grammar—to ensure clarity for contemporary readers, while preserving the original spirit and nuance. If
you click on a paragraph, you will see the original text that we modified, and you can toggle between the two versions.
Scroll to the bottom of this page and you will find a free ePUB download link for this book.
A PICKLE FOR THE KNOWING ONES,
BY LORD TIMOTHY DEXTER,
BY LORD TIMOTHY DEXTER,
WITH AN
WITH AN
Introductory Preface,
Introductory Preface,
BY A DISTINGUISHED CITIZEN OF "OULD NEWBERRY."
BY A DISTINGUISHED CITIZEN OF "OLD NEWBERRY."
FOURTH EDITION.
Fourth Edition.
NEWBURYPORT:
BLANCHARD & SARGENT.
1848.
NEWBURYPORT:
BLANCHARD & SARGENT.
1848.
PREFACE.
Timothy Dexter, the author of the following curious and unique production, entitled "A Pickle for the Knowing Ones," which is here re-printed verbatim et spellatim from the original edition, was born in Malden, January 22, 1747. Having served an apprenticeship with a leather dresser, he commenced business in Newburyport shortly after he was one and twenty, and being industrious and economical, he soon found himself in good circumstances. In the year 1770 he married, and receiving a considerable amount of money with his wife, he was thus put in possession of a moderate fortune. In 1776 he had for one of his apprentices the no less eccentric, and afterwards the no less noted Jonathan Plumer, jun., "travelling preacher, physician and poet," as he was accustomed to style himself, and of whom we shall hereafter speak. In addition to his regular business of selling leather breeches, gloves "soutabel for wimen's ware," &c. he engaged in commercial speculations, and in various kinds of business, and was unusually successful. He traded with merchants and speculators in the then Province of Maine, was engaged to some extent in the West India trade. He also purchased a large amount of what were called State securities, which were eventually redeemed at prices far exceeding their original cost. Some of his speculations in whalebone and warming pans are mentioned by himself on page 23 of this work. Thus in various ways he added to his property, and in a few years he became a wealthy man. With wealth came the desire of distinction, and as his vanity was inordinate he spared no expence in obtaining the notoriety he sought. In the first place he purchased an elegant house in High Street, Newburyport, and embellished it in his peculiar way. Minarets surmounted with golden balls were placed on the roof, a large gilt eagle was placed on the top, and a great variety of other ornaments. In front of his house and land he caused to be erected between forty and fifty wooden statues, full length and larger than life. The principal arch stood directly in front of his door, and on this stood the figures of Washington, Adams and Jefferson. There were also the statues of William Pitt, Franklin, Bonaparte, George IV, Lord Nelson, Gen. Morgan, Cornplanter, an Indian Chief, Jack Tar, Traveling Preacher, Maternal Affection, Two Grenadiers, Four Lions and one Lamb, and conspicuous among them were two images of Dexter himself, one of which held a label with the inscription "I am the first in the East, the first in the West, and the greatest philosopher in the Western world." In order that the interior of his house should correspond with the exterior, the most costly furniture was imported from France, and the walls hung with paintings, brought from Holland and other parts of Europe. A library was also provided, but how large or valuable we are not able to say. An elegant coach with a span of beautiful cream colored horses was procured, on which was painted his coat of arms, with the baronial supporters, after the manner of the English nobility. With this equipage he took the title of Lord Dexter, because, as he said, it was "the voice of the people at Large." He was sometimes called the Marquis of Newburyport. Having completed the embelishments of his house and gardens, Lord Dexter busied himself in receiving the visits of the crowds, who were drawn by curiosity to his house. His gardens were thrown open to their inspection, and he was liberal to all. The fame of his hospitality attracted as many visitors as the fame of his images. To gratify his vanity he selected in imitation of European princes, a poet laureate. This was no other than his former apprentice, Jonathan Plumer, jun., a native of Newbury. [4] They had once been associated as master and apprentice, but now stood in the relation of patron and poet. From the auto-biography of Plumer a very curious and scarce production of 244 pages, the following extract is taken, which may serve to give some idea of the versatility of his genius.—"I had," says he, "some practice as a physician, and earned something with my pen, but for several years was obliged chiefly to follow various kinds of business accounted less honorable, viz: Farming, repeating select passages from authors, selling halibut, sawing wood, selling books and ballads in the streets, serving as post boy, filling beds with straw and wheeling them to the owners thereof, collecting rags, &c." He had previously served one or two campaigns as a soldier, and on his return from the wars he taught school for some time in New Hampshire. The ballads, which he hawked about, were generally his own composition. Every horrid accident, bloody murder, a shipwreck, or any other dreadful catastrophe, was sure to be followed by a statement of the facts, a sermon and a poem. In the capacity of ballad maker and monger he attracted the notice of Dexter, in whose service he entered for a small salary as poet laureate. He wore a livery, consisting of a black frock coat, adorned with stars and fringes, a cocked hat and black breeches. He was crowned in the garden of his patron with a wreath of parsley, instead of laurel, but the ceremony was interrupted before its completion by a mob of boys, and both patron and poet put to flight. One specimen of his laudatory verses may be seen on page 29 of this work, which will give the reader some idea of his qualifications for the office to which he was elected. How well he was satisfied with the praises of the poet we are not informed, but feeling probably that no person but himself could do justice to the ideas, which he wished to present to the public, he commenced writing for the press. Several of these effusions were printed in the newspapers.—The larger part of them written at different times are embodied in the present work, a large edition of which was published by himself and given away. In this edition not a stop or a mark was used in any line of his writings, but in the second edition one entire page was filled with stops and marks, with a recommendation from the author to his readers, to use them where they were wanted in the work, or in his own language, "to peper and soolt it as they pleased." Dexter had two children, Samuel and Nancy, neither of whom was distinguished for strength of intellect. The son was a dissipated prodigal and died young. The daughter, of whom mention is made by the father in the following pages, was married to Abraham Bishop of New Haven, who we are informed treated her with neglect and cruelty. A divorce followed and she became intemperate, lost what little reason she had, and is still living, a wretched object. Lord Dexter himself, if we may judge from his own writings and from what we have heard, was not happy in his domestic relations. He complains much of his wife, whom he calls the "gost," and charges the cause of his separation from her for thirteen years to his son Bishop. His own temper was irascible, and several stories are told of the excesses, into which it would sometimes lead him. He ordered his painter, Mr. Babson, to place the word "Constitution" on the scroll in the hand of the figure of Jefferson, which the latter, knowing the artist designed it to represent the Declaration of Independence, refused to do. Dexter was so incensed by this refusal, that he went into the house, and brought out a pistol, which he deliberately fired at the painter; but he was a poor shot, and the ball missing its object, entered the side of the house. At another time, seeing a countryman, as he thought, rather impudently viewing his premises, he ordered his son to fire at the stranger. He refused to do so, when the father threatened to shoot him unless he complied. His son then obeyed. The stranger escaped unhurt, but entered a complaint, and Lord Timothy was, in consequence, sentenced to the house of correction for several months. He went thither in [5] his own coach, priding himself on being the first man who had been to the county house in his own carriage, drawn by two splendid horses. He soon grew tired, however, of his confinement, and procured a release, which it was said, cost him a thousand dollars. The individual, who exercised most influence over Dexter was a negro woman, named Lucy Lancaster, or as she was commonly called "Black Luce," a woman of uncommon strength of mind, great shrewdness and remarkable for her powers of memory and knowledge of human nature, but as wicked as she was sagacious. She thought him an honest man, and not so deficient in intellect as many people supposed, and attributed his eccentricities to an excess of animal spirits.—This was probably to some extent true, though it is certain that other spirits contributed in no small degree to the excesses of his temper and the peculiarities of his taste. He was addicted to drunkenness, and with his son and other companions, kept up his revels in the best apartments of his house, by which in a very short time, all his costly furniture was ruined, or very much injured.
Timothy Dexter, the author of this curious and unique work titled "A Pickle for the Knowing Ones", which is reprinted here verbatim from the original edition, was born in Malden on January 22, 1747. After serving an apprenticeship as a leather dresser, he started a business in Newburyport shortly after turning twenty-one. Being hardworking and frugal, he quickly found himself in comfortable circumstances. In 1770, he got married, and with a significant sum of money that came with his wife, he acquired a moderate fortune. By 1776, one of his apprentices was the equally eccentric and later well-known Jonathan Plumer, junior, who called himself a "traveling preacher, physician, and poet," and we will discuss him further later. Along with selling leather pants, gloves "suitable for women's wear," etc., he ventured into various business speculations and was notably successful. He traded with merchants and speculators in what was then the Province of Maine and was also involved to some extent in the West India trade. He purchased a substantial amount of what were called State securities, which were eventually redeemed at prices much higher than their original cost. Some of his ventures in whalebone and warming pans are mentioned by him on page 23 of this work. In this way, he increased his wealth, and within a few years, he became a rich man. With wealth came a desire for distinction, and driven by his excessive vanity, he spared no expense in seeking the notoriety he craved. First, he bought an elegant house on High Street in Newburyport and decorated it in his own unique style. He placed minarets topped with golden balls on the roof, a large gilded eagle at the top, and a variety of other ornaments. In front of his home and land, he had erected between forty and fifty wooden statues, life-sized and larger than life. The main arch stood directly in front of his door, featuring figures of Washington, Adams, and Jefferson. Other statues included those of William Pitt, Franklin, Bonaparte, George IV, Lord Nelson, Gen. Morgan, Cornplanter, an Indian chief, Jack Tar, a traveling preacher, Maternal Affection, two grenadiers, four lions, and one lamb. Among these were two statues of Dexter himself, one holding a sign that read "I am the first in the East, the first in the West, and the greatest philosopher in the Western world." To match the exterior, the interior of his house featured the most expensive furniture imported from France, and the walls were hung with paintings from Holland and other parts of Europe. A library was also provided, though we cannot say how large or valuable it was. He acquired an elegant coach with a team of beautiful cream-colored horses, which was painted with his coat of arms and baronial supporters, styled like the English nobility. With this setup, he adopted the title of Lord Dexter, claiming it was "the voice of the people at large." He was sometimes called the Marquis of Newburyport. Once he completed the embellishments of his house and gardens, Lord Dexter focused on receiving the many visitors drawn to his home by curiosity. His gardens were opened to the public, and he was generous to all. His reputation for hospitality attracted just as many visitors as his statues did. To satisfy his vanity, he selected a poet laureate in imitation of European princes. This was none other than his former apprentice, Jonathan Plumer, junior, a native of Newbury. [4] They had previously been master and apprentice, but now were in the roles of patron and poet. From Plumer's autobiography, a rare 244-page production, the following extract gives an idea of the versatility of his genius: “I had,” he says, “some practice as a physician and earned something with my pen, but for several years, I mainly had to do various kinds of work considered less honorable, such as farming, reciting select passages from authors, selling halibut, sawing wood, selling books and ballads on the streets, working as a post boy, filling beds with straw and delivering them to their owners, and collecting rags.” He had also previously served in one or two campaigns as a soldier, and after returning from the wars, he taught school for some time in New Hampshire. The ballads he sold were generally his own creations. Each horrific accident, bloody murder, shipwreck, or other dreadful events was promptly followed by a statement of the facts, a sermon, and a poem. As a ballad maker and seller, he caught Dexter's attention, and he joined him as poet laureate for a small salary. He wore a uniform of a black frock coat decorated with stars and fringes, a cocked hat, and black breeches. He was crowned in his patron's garden with a wreath of parsley instead of laurel, but the ceremony was interrupted before it finished by a group of boys, causing both the patron and poet to flee. An example of his laudatory verses can be found on page 29 of this work, which provides some insight into his qualifications for the position. We do not know how satisfied he was with the poet's praises, but likely feeling that no one else could adequately express his ideas for the public, he began writing for publication. Several of these works appeared in newspapers. Most of the pieces he wrote at different times are included in this current edition, a large print run published by himself and given away. In this edition, there were no punctuation marks in any of his writing, but in the second edition, one whole page was filled with punctuation and a recommendation from the author for readers to use them where necessary or, in his own words, “to pepper and salt it as they pleased.” Dexter had two children, Samuel and Nancy, neither known for their intellectual strength. The son was a reckless spendthrift and died young. The daughter, mentioned by her father in the following pages, married Abraham Bishop of New Haven, who reportedly treated her with neglect and cruelty. A divorce followed, and she fell into alcoholism, losing what little sanity she had, and still lives on as a miserable figure. Lord Dexter himself, based on both his writings and what we hear, was not happy in his domestic life. He often complained about his wife, whom he called the "ghost," blaming his thirteen-year separation from her on his son Bishop. He had a fiery temper, and several stories recounted the extremes to which it led him. He instructed his painter, Mr. Babson, to write the word “Constitution” on the scroll in Jefferson's hand, which the artist refused since he intended it to represent the Declaration of Independence. Dexter was so enraged by this refusal that he went inside, grabbed a pistol, and shot at the painter; however, he missed, and the bullet hit the side of the house instead. On another occasion, believing a countryman was looking at his property with too much cheek, he ordered his son to shoot at the man. When his son refused, the father threatened to shoot him if he did not comply. His son then obeyed. The stranger escaped unharmed but lodged a complaint, leading to Lord Dexter being sentenced to several months at the house of correction. He arrived there in [5] his own coach, taking pride in being the first person to be taken to the county house in his own carriage, pulled by two beautiful horses. He quickly grew tired of confinement and managed to secure his release, which reportedly cost him a thousand dollars. The person who had the most influence over Dexter was a Black woman named Lucy Lancaster, often referred to as "Black Luce." She possessed exceptional mental strength, great shrewdness, and was known for her remarkable memory and understanding of human nature, though she was just as wicked as she was smart. She thought of Dexter as an honest man, not as unintelligent as many believed, and attributed his eccentricities to an excess of animal spirits. This was probably partly true, though it's clear that other spirits greatly contributed to his temper outbursts and peculiar tastes. He had a drinking problem and, along with his son and other companions, hosted raucous parties in the best rooms of his house, which quickly ruined or severely damaged all his expensive furniture.
"Not insensible that he must share the common lot, Dexter, many years before his death, prepared himself a tomb. It was the basement story of his summer-house, magnificently fitted, and open to the light of day. His coffin, made of the best mahogany which he could find, superbly lined, and adorned with silver handles, he kept in a room of the house, and took great pleasure in exhibiting it to visitors—at other times it was locked up. Soon after his death apparatus was prepared, Dexter got up a mock funeral, which with all but his family and a few associates was to pass as real. Various people in the town were invited by card, who came and found the family clad in mourning, and preparations for the funeral going forward. The burial service was read by a wag, who then pronounced a bombastic eulogy upon the deceased. The mourners moved in procession to the tomb in the garden, the coffin was deposited, and they returned to the large hall, where a sumptuous entertainment was provided. While the feast was going on, a loud noise attracted the guests to the kitchen, where they beheld the arisen Lord caning his wife for not having shed a tear during the ceremony! He entered the hall with the astonished mourners, in high spirits, joined in the rout, threw money from the window to the crowd of boys, and expressed his satisfaction with every thing except the indifference of his wife, and the silence of the bells."
"Understanding that he would eventually face the same fate as everyone else, Dexter, many years before his death, prepared his own tomb. It was the basement of his summer house, beautifully decorated and filled with natural light. He kept his coffin, crafted from the finest mahogany he could find, elegantly lined and embellished with silver handles, in a room of the house, and he took great pleasure in showing it off to visitors—at other times, it was locked away. Soon after his death, arrangements were made for a mock funeral, which would be perceived as real by everyone except his family and a few close friends. Several townspeople received invitations, and upon arrival, they found the family in mourning and the funeral preparations underway. A jokester read the burial service and then delivered a grandiloquent eulogy for the deceased. The mourners formed a procession to the garden tomb, where the coffin was placed, and then returned to the large hall, where a lavish feast awaited them. While they were enjoying the meal, a loud commotion drew the guests to the kitchen, where they saw the supposedly deceased Lord reprimanding his wife for not shedding a tear during the ceremony! He then entered the hall with the bewildered mourners, in high spirits, joined the festivities, tossed money out of the window to a crowd of boys, and expressed his satisfaction with everything—except for his wife's indifference and the silence of the bells."
Lord Dexter died at his house, on the 26th of October, 1806, in his 60th year, and by direction of the Board of Health, his remains were interred in the common burying place. His grave is marked by a simple stone.
Lord Dexter passed away at his home on October 26, 1806, at the age of 60. Following the order of the Board of Health, he was buried in the public cemetery. His grave is marked with a plain stone.
The Dexter mansion, is yet standing, and is a very fine tenement, but retains few traces of the whims of its late proprietor. Of the images, upwards of forty in number, only the three Presidents now remain, the others having been cast down by the resistless hand of time. Some of them were blown down in the great gale of September, 1815, and were sold at auction.
The Dexter mansion is still standing and is a very fine building, but it shows few signs of the eccentricities of its former owner. Out of more than forty images, only the three Presidents remain, as the others have been taken down by the unstoppable passage of time. Some were blown down in the major storm of September 1815 and were sold at auction.
The cut fronting the Biography gives a very excellent and faithful representation of Lord Dexter in his walking habits, and the likeness of the dog is equally perfect. The dog was perfectly black and the skin as entirely free from hair as that of an elephant. He differed as much from other dogs as did his master and his friend, the poet, differ from other people. The likenesses of all three were drawn with great accuracy by James Aiken, Esq. now a resident of Philadelphia, and could the patron and the poet be seen in proper person, dressed in the costume of that day, they would be objects of great curiosity. But they are gone, and of each it may be truly said,
The image in the Biography offers a really great and accurate depiction of Lord Dexter's walking style, and the likeness of the dog is just as spot-on. The dog was completely black, and its skin was as hairless as an elephant’s. He was as different from other dogs as his master, and his friend the poet, were from other people. James Aiken, Esq., now living in Philadelphia, captured the likenesses of all three with remarkable precision. If the patron and the poet could be seen in person, dressed in the fashion of that time, they would surely attract a lot of attention. But they are gone, and it can truly be said of each,
We ne'er shall look upon his like again.
We will never see anyone like him again.
A PICKLE
FOR THE KNOWING ONES.
To mankind at Large the time is Com at Last the grat day of Regoising what is that why I will tell you thous three kings is Rased Rased you meane should know Rased on the first Royal Arch in the world olmost Not quite but very hiw up upon so thay are good mark to be scene so the womans Lik to see the frount and all people Loves to see them as the quakers will Com and peape slyly and feele glad and say houe the doue frind father Jorge washeton is in the senter king Addoms is at the Rite hand the present king at the Left hand father gorge with his hat on the other hats of the middel king with his sword king Addoms with his Cane in a grand poster Adtetoude turning his fass towards the first king as if they was on sum politicks king our present king he is stands hearing being younger and very deafe in short being one grat felosfer Looks well East & west and North & south deafe & very deafe the god of Natur has dun very much for our present king and all our former ones they are all good I want them to Live for Ever and I beleave thay will it is hard work to be A king—I say it is hardar than tilling the ground I know it is for I find it is hard work to be A Lord I dont desier the sound but to pleas the peopel at Large Let it gou to brak the way it dus for Asort ment to help a good Lafe to Cour the sick spleney goutey dul frames Lik my selfe with the goute and so on make merry a Chealy Christen is for me only be onnest No matter what they worshep son moune or stars or there wife or miss if onnest Live forever [8] money wont gitt thous figers so fast as I wish I have sent to Leg horn for many mr bourr is one Amonks others I sent in the grand Crecham thous 3 kings Are plane white colow at present the Royal Arch & figers cost 39 pound wate silver the hiest Councaton order in the world so it is sade by the knowing one I have only 4 Lions & 1 Lam up the spred Eagel has bin up 3 years upon the Coupelay I have 13 billors front in strat Row for 13 states when we begun 3 in the Rear 15 foot hie 4 more on the grass see 2 the same hath at the Rite of the grand Arch 2 at the left wing 15 foot hie the Arch 17 foot hie the my hous is 3 sorey upwards of 290 feet round the hous Nater has formed the ground Eaquel to what you would wish for the Art by man Eaquel to a Solomun the onerabel Jonathan Jackson one of the first in this Country for tast borne A grat man by Nater then the best Lurning what sot me fored for my plan having so gran spot the hool of the world Cant Excead this to thous that dont know would think I was Like halfe the world A Lier I have traveled good deale but old steady men sayeth it is the first that it is the first best in this Contry & others Contrey I tell you this the trouth that None of you grat men wodent be A frunted at my preseadens & I spare Now Cost in the work I have the tempel of Reason in my garding 3 years past with a toume under it on the Eage of the grass see it cost 98 gineys besides the Coffen panted whit in side and out side tuched with green Nobel trimings uncommon Lock so I can tak the kee in side and haye fier works in the toume pipes and tobacker & A speaking trumpet and & bibel to Read & sum good songs
To everyone, the time has finally come; it's a great day of celebration. What does that mean? I'll tell you: those three kings are elevated. You should know they're raised on the first Royal Arch in the world, almost—not quite, but very high up, so they are a good sight to see. The women love to see the front, and everyone enjoys watching them. The Quakers will come and peek slyly, feeling glad, saying how our friend, Father George Washington, is in the center; King Adams is on the right and the present king on the left. Father George, with his hat on, stands tall, while the middle king has his sword drawn, and King Adams holds his cane in a grand pose, turning his face towards the first king as if they're discussing politics. Our current king stands there, listening, being younger and quite deaf—shortly put, being one great philosopher who looks well to the east, west, north, and south—deaf and very deaf. The God of Nature has done so much for our present king and all our former ones; they are all good. I want them to live forever, and I believe they will. It's hard work to be a king—I say it’s harder than farming. I know it because I find it hard work to be a lord. I don't desire the title, but to please the people at large. Let it go to break the way it does for a collection to help a good life to care for the sick and the gouty, like myself, making merry. A cheerful Christian is for me, only be honest. No matter what they worship—some moon or stars or their wife or mistress—if they're honest, they can live forever. [8] Money won't get those figures so fast as I'd like. I've sent to Leghorn for many; Mr. Bourr is one among others. I sent for the grand Crecham. Those three kings are plain white at the moment. The Royal Arch and figures cost £39 worth of silver, the highest combination order in the world, so it’s said by the knowledgeable. I have only four lions and one lamb. The spread eagle has been up three years atop the cupola. I have 13 pillars in front on State Row for 13 states; when we began, three are in the rear, 15 feet high, with four more on the grass. Two are the same height at the right of the grand arch, two at the left wing, 15 feet high, and the arch is 17 feet high. My house is three stories, over 290 feet around. Nature has shaped the ground to equal what you would wish for art by man, equal to a Solomon. The honorable Jonathan Jackson, one of the first in this country for taste, was born a great man by nature, then the best learning. What set me forth for my plan having such a grand spot—the whole world can't exceed this. To those who don't know, you might think I’m like half the world—a liar. I have traveled a great deal, but old steady men say it is the best—first and foremost in this country and others. I tell you this truth: none of you great men would be offended by my presence, and I spare no cost in the work. I have the Temple of Reason in my garden, built three years ago with a tomb underneath it on the edge of the grass. See, it cost 98 guineas, besides the coffin, painted white inside and outside, touched with green noble trim. An uncommon lock allows me to take the key inside to have fire, tobacco, a speaking trumpet, a Bible to read, and some good songs.
What is a presedent answer A king bonne partey the grate has as much power as A king and ort to have & it is a massey he has for the good of mankind he has as much power as Any king for grat ways back there must be A head sum whare or the peopel is Lost Lik wild gees when thay Lous the gander two Leged want A head if fore Leged both & 2 Leged fouls the Name of presedent is to pleas the peopel at Large the sound souts best Now in the south give way to the North the North give way to the south or by & by you will brake what falers be wise on keep the Links to gether and if you cant A gree Consoalated to A kingly power for you must keep together at the wost hear it Labers ye les see there is so many men wants be the all offesers & Now sogers poor king Every day wants A bone sum more then others the king cant Live without the feald wee have had our turne grat good father Addoms [9] turne & turne About Rest Easey you all will be pleased with the present king give time all did I say Now but the magor part fore fifths at least.
What is a president? A king has as much power as a king and should have it; it is a duty he holds for the good of mankind. He has as much power as any king. For great reasons, there must be a leader somewhere, or the people are lost like wild geese when they lose the gander. Two-legged creatures need a head; if there are four-legged ones, it’s the same. The role of the president is to please the people at large; the sound rings best. Now in the South gives way to the North, and the North gives way to the South, or before long, you will break what falters. Be wise and keep the links together, and if you can’t, agree to consolidate into a kingly power because you must stay united, even in the worst situations. There are so many who want to be the officers, and now soldiers and poor kings every day want a piece, some more than others. The king can’t live without the field; we’ve had our turn, great good Father Adams. [9] Turn and turn about. Rest easy; you all will be pleased with the current king. Give it time. Did I say now? But the majority, at least four-fifths.
TIMOTHY DEXTER
Timothy Dexter
Frinds hear me 2 granadears goss up in 20 days fourder frinds I will tell the A tipe of man kind what is that 35 or 36 years gone A town caled Noubry all won the Younited states Noubry peopel kept to gether quiet till the Larned groed strong the farmers was 12 out of 20 thay wanted to have the offesers in the Contry the Eaned in the see port wanted to have them there geering A Rose groued warme fite thay wood in Law thay went the Jnrel Cort to be sot of finely thay go there Eands Answered the see port caled Newbury Port 600 Eakers of Land out of thirty thousand Eakers of good Land so much for mad peopel of Larning makes them mad if thay had kept to gether they wood have bin the sekent town in this stat A bout halfe of boston Now men mad to be in offess it hurts the peopel ot Large Like Carying the Innegent Lam to the slarter Now it would done to dewide the North from the south all won what I have Leade down but now keep to gether it is Like man and wife in troue Love Now guving death in the grander you will sous the glory I say keep to gether dont brak the Chane Renoue brotherle Love Never fade Like my box in my garding be one grat familey give way to one A Nother thous changes is the tide hie warter & Loue warte hie tids & Loue tids for my part I have Liked all the kings all three all our broken marchants cant have beaths of proffett gone and till the ground goue to work is all that has bin to Coleage goue with slipers and promis to pay and Never pay only with A Lye I gess 4 fifths is Coleage Lant or devel Lant or pretended to be onnest free masions but are to the Contrey for give me for gessing I hope it is Not so the Leaned is for Leovs & Littel fishes moses was but A man and Aaron thay had sum devel like my selfe man is the same give him power I say the Cloak Cukement maters the worst of cheats we hant got ony N Port wee are Noted to be the first in the North sabed Day is Not halfe A Nuf Night meatens it maks work for the Docters and Nuses Caaching Could but them Lives breed fast to mak up for them that dies poor creaters I pittey them so preast Riden it is wickard to leave poor sols in to the grave all our minesters are imported Very good men foull of Love of Crist I kep them A mit Amen at present.
Friends, listen to me. Two grenadiers gossip in 20 days about friends. I will tell you about a type of humanity, what it was like 35 or 36 years ago in a town called Newbury, all in the United States. The people of Newbury stayed quiet until they learned and grew strong. The farmers, 12 out of 20, wanted to have the officers in the country. The residents of the seaport wanted to have them there, generating a warm fight. They went to the General Court to settle things properly. They went there, hands answered. The seaport was called Newburyport, with 600 acres of land out of thirty thousand acres of good land. So much for mad people learning; it makes them mad. If they had stuck together, they would have been the second town in this state, about half the size of Boston. Now, men are crazy to be in office; it hurts the people at large, like carrying the innocent lamb to slaughter. Now, it would be done to divide the North from the South. All that I have led down is to keep together; it’s like a man and wife in troubled love. Now giving death in the grandeur, you will see the glory. I say keep together, don’t break the chain. Renew brotherly love; it never fades. Like my box in my garden, be one great family, giving way to one another. Those changes are the tide; high water and love, high tides and love tides. For my part, I have liked all the kings, all three. All our broken merchants can’t have breaths of profit gone, and until the ground goes to work, that’s all that has been. College has gone with slippers and promises to pay, and never pay, only with a lie. I guess four-fifths is college land or devil land, or pretending to be honest Freemasons, but they are to the country. Forgive me for guessing; I hope it is not so. The learned are for loaves and little fishes. Moses was just a man, and Aaron; they had some devil like myself. Man is the same; give him power. I say the cloak and the document matter. The worst of cheats, we haven’t got any N Port. We are noted to be the first in the North. Sabbath day is not half enough; night means it makes work for the doctors and nurses. Catching could bring lives to breed fast to make up for those that die, poor creatures. I pity them so much. Preach it; it is wicked to leave poor souls in the grave. All our ministers are imported; very good men, full of love for Christ. I keep them a bit. Amen for now.
The yong man that doth most all my Carving his work is much Liked by our grat men I felt founney one day I thort I would ask sade young man whare he was bone he sade Now whare what is all that Now whare was your mother over shaderd I says my mother was if I was to gess No I tell in Now town borne o on the water I says you beat me and so wee Lafed and it shuk of the spleane shoue him A Crows Neast he can carve one A fine fellow—I shold had all marbel if any bodey could to me the prise so I have sent for 8 busts for kings and grat men and 1 Lion & 2 gray hounds I hope to hear in foue Days to all onnest men
The young man who does most of my carving is really appreciated by our great men. One day, I felt curious, so I asked that young man where he was born. He replied, "Now, where is that?" I said, "Now, where was your mother?” He responded, “If I had to guess.” I told him, “Now, I’m not sure, but I think it’s a town on the water.” He laughed and said, “You beat me,” and we both laughed, which lifted my spirits. He showed me a crow's nest that he can carve, and he’s a fine fellow. I could have had all the marble I wanted if anyone could tell me the price. So, I have ordered eight busts for kings and influential men, along with one lion and two greyhounds. I hope to hear back in a few days from all honest men.
TIMOTHY DEXTER.
Timothy Dexter.
mister printter I must goue sum fourder I have got one good pen my fortin has bin hard very hard that is I have hard Noks on my head 4 difrent times from A boy to this Day twice taken up for dead two beating was a Lawyer then he was mad be Case the peopel at Large Declared me Lord Dexter king of Chester this at my Contrey seet 26 mils from N Port my plase there is the fist from solt water to Canedy——this Lawyer that broused me was Judg Livermore son Arther the same Creater borid 200 dolors sum monts be fore this & then Oaded me he beat his bene factter it has bin my Luck to be yoused ten times wos by them I doue the most for I have Lost first and Last as much as A tun of silver grose my wife that was had 400 wut of silver Abraham bishup that married my dafter ten years gone him & shee sence then & my son Samuel L Dexter upwards of seventeene thousand Dolors the Rest by hamsher Col by Rougs has gokbey sekkent handed preasts Deakens gruntters whimers Every foue minnets A sith or Christ wee must be Leave in Crist o o Jeases will save us I thinks sum times the saving solt & smoak & solt peater will in time be very dear if it is yous the more smoak or the preasts will be out of work Littel Like fister france I Lade out A blan to have holerdays one Day in ten 24 years gone I thort it would save the Natision grat Deale of money sir in one sentrey then the preasts wood have time to studdery then hamer Down smartly make the sulffer smoak in their Nostils under the Cloak of bread & wine the hipecricks Cloven foots thay Doue it to get power to Lie and Not be mistruested all wars mostly by the suf the broken marchents are fond of war for thay hant Nothing to Lous & the minesters in all wars the Case o god Leave the Divel out when it is all Divel If you can [11] bare the trouth I will tell the trouth man is the best Annemel and the worst all men are more or less the Divel but there is sit of ods sum halfe sum three qurters the other part beast of Difrent kind of beasts sum one thing and sum a Nother sum Like a Dog sum Lik horses sum bare sum Cat sum Lion sum lik ouls sum a monkey sum wild Cat sum Lam sum A Dove sum a hogg sum a oxe sum a snake I want Desepons to be Dun A way but thay wont Never be as Long os prist Riden what Doue the preast prech to the Divel for all there hearaes old & youn more or Less the Divel I Liked to sade so Divel preaches to Divels Rebouking sin keep it up up up sayeth the hipacrits mockers of god habits an Costom is the ods ods maks the diffrence I sees god in all plases the god of Nater in all things wee Live and move in god he is the god of Nateer all Nater is god take one Ellement from us one of the fore take the fier or the water or or Eare or Earth wee are gone so wee Live in god Now Less us all be good children doue all things Rite the strong must bare the Infremiteys of the wicked shildren keep up tite Laws Draw the Ranes Littel harder stop theavs as fast as you can bad trade sheuuing Nine Numbers was Rot in 23 owers when I had hold of the pen five owers & 35 minnets A sort ment A sort ment is good in A shop————
mister printer I must go some farther I have got one good pen my fortune has been hard very hard that is I have had knocks on my head 4 different times from a boy to this day twice taken up for dead two beatings was a lawyer then he was mad because the people at large declared me Lord Dexter king of Chester this at my country seat 26 miles from New Port my place there is the fist from salt water to Kennedy——this lawyer that bruised me was Judge Livermore's son Arthur the same creator borrowed 200 dollars some months before this and then loaned me he beat his benefactor it has been my luck to be used ten times worse by them I lost first and last as much as a ton of silver gross my wife that was had 400 worth of silver Abraham Bishop that married my daughter ten years ago him and she since then and my son Samuel L Dexter upwards of seventeen thousand dollars the rest by Hamshire Col by Rougs has gone by second-handed priests deacons grunters whiners every four minutes a sith or Christ we must believe in Christ oh Jesus will save us I think sometimes the saving salt and smoke and salt peter will be very dear if it is used the more smoke or the priests will be out of work little like sister France I laid out a plan to have holidays one day in ten 24 years ago I thought it would save the nation a great deal of money sir in one century then the priests would have time to study then hammer down smartly make the sulfur smoke in their nostrils under the cloak of bread & wine the hypocrites cloven feet they do it to get power to lie and not be mistrusted all wars mostly by the stuff the broken merchants are fond of war for they have nothing to lose and the ministers in all wars the case oh God leave the devil out when it is all devil if you can [11] bare the truth I will tell the truth man is the best animal and the worst all men are more or less the devil but there is a set of odds some half some three quarters the other part beast of different kinds of beasts some one thing and some another some like a dog some like horses some bear some cat some lion some like owls some a monkey some wild cat some lamb some a dove some a hog some an ox some a snake I want despots to be done away but they won't ever be as long as priests ride what do the priest preach to the devil for all their hearers old and young more or less the devil I liked to say so devil preaches to devils rebuking sin keep it up up up sayeth the hypocrites mockers of God habits and custom is the odds odds makes the difference I see God in all places the God of nature in all things we live and move in God he is the God of nature all nature is God take one element from us one of the four take the fire or the water or air or earth we are gone so we live in God now let us all be good children do all things right the strong must bear the infirmities of the wicked children keep up tight laws draw the reins a little harder stop thieves as fast as you can bad trade showing nine numbers was wrote in 23 hours when I had hold of the pen five hours and 35 minutes a sort meant a sort meant is good in a shop————
The preasts fixes there goods six days then thay open shop on sundays to sell there goods sum sets them of better than others bolerhed when a man is so week he wont doue for A Lawyer mak a preast of him for week thing to goue with week things the blind to Lead the blind so thay may fall into one Dich and so thay goue throue the world darkiness but foue peopel have A pinion of there one Not one in twenty as to this world goods and so it is as to the other world to Inquire the way goue to a fryer our peopel A bout the same thing only call it sumthing Else in Rum of a king call it presedent but preasts have money to save sols I want to know what a sole is I wish to see one Not a gizard I thinks the sole is the thinking part there is grat minds & Littel minds grat sols & Littel sols grat minds & littel minds According to the hevdey boddeys that has the power of our boddeys the same mother and the same father and six children how thay will differ in Looks complexions and axons sum for grat thing sum for littel things sumthing Nouw I say I say my figers will pay Intress money prove it first going over my brige sum more tole then helping the markett of the town Leeting hoses tavern keepers costom the honner to the town & my self.
The priests fix their goods for six days, then they open shop on Sundays to sell their items. Some are better at it than others, and when a man is so weak he won't hire a lawyer, he gets turned into a priest for weak things to mix with weak things, the blind leading the blind, so they may all fall into one ditch. And so they wander through the world in darkness, but few people have their own opinions—only one in twenty really knows about worldly goods, and it's the same for the other world. To ask the way, they go to a friar. Our people do basically the same thing, they just call it something else, like in the name of a king, they call it president, but priests have money to save souls. I want to know what a soul is; I wish I could see one, not a gizzard. I think the soul is the thinking part. There are great minds and little minds, great souls and little souls, all according to the heavy bodies that have the power of our bodies. The same mother and father can have six children, and how they will differ in looks, complexions, and actions—some for great things, some for little things. Now I say, my fingers will pay interest money; prove it first by crossing my bridge, some more toll than helping the market of the town, letting houses and tavern keepers pay homage to the town and to myself.
TIMOTHY DEXTER.
Timothy Dexter.
one thing fourder I have bin convarted upwards 30 years quite Resined for the day the grat day I wish the preast Node as much as I think I doue there harts would Leap up to glory to be so Reader for the time of Rejoisng to goue to goue to be maried to what a fine widow with hur lamp bourning the Lamps trimed with glorey the shaking quickers after thay git convarted and there sins washed A way thay stay at home & Let theus goue unclene and so it is much so with me I stay at home praying for theavs and Rougs to be saved Day and Night praying for siners poour creaters my hous keeper is in the dark was then bad Crasey to be saved shee says shee has sind against the holey gost I have Asked her what is shee says it is sumthing but cant find out way sends for the preast coms what is the mater gost gost Dear sir & the minester makes a prayer the gost went of mostly not all part stayed behind shee has bin Crasey Ever sence the prest cant Lay the sepont houe many Nick Names three things have so sayeth the preacher Amen Amen see fath I du
One thing I have been converted for over 30 years, quite resigned for the great day. I wish the priest knew as much as I think he does; their hearts would leap with joy to be ready for the time of rejoicing, to go, to go be married. What a fine widow with her lamp burning, the lamps trimmed in glory, the shaking sinners after they get converted and their sins washed away. They stay at home and let us go unclean, and it's much the same with me; I stay at home praying for thieves and rogues to be saved, day and night praying for sinners, poor creatures. My housekeeper is in the dark; she has such a bad case of feeling she needs to be saved. She says she has sinned against the Holy Ghost. I’ve asked her what it is, and she says it’s something but can’t figure out what. She sends for the priest; he comes and asks what the matter is. "Ghost, ghost!" Dear sir, and the minister makes a prayer. The ghost mostly leaves, but not all of it; some stays behind. She’s been crazy ever since the priest can’t lay the spirit to rest. Many nicknames, three things, says the preacher. Amen, amen, see, Father, I do.
Noue mister printer sir I was at Noue haven 7 years and seven monts past at commencent Degrees going on 40 boys was tuck degrees to doue good or Not good the ole man with the hat on told them to suddey houeman Nater & walk as A band of brothers from that day I thort that all thous that was baot up to Coleage the meaning was to git there Liveing out of the Labeer If the Coleages was to continer one sentrey & keep up the game recken the cost of All from there cradel to 22 years old all there fathers and gurd inands to Lay out one houndred years intress & intress upon intress atress gess at it & cast it see houe many houndred thousand millons of Dolors it would Com to to mad Rougs and theavs to plunder the Labering man that sweats to git his bread good common Laning is the best sum good books is best well under stoud be onnest dont be preast Riden it is a cheat all be onnest in all things Now feare Let this goue as you find it my way speling houe is the strangest man
Noue mister printer sir I was at Noue Haven for 7 years and seven months. In the beginning, 40 boys were given degrees, whether good or bad. The old man with the hat told them to suddenly recognize human nature and walk as a band of brothers. From that day, I thought that all those brought to college meant to make a living out of their labor. If the colleges were to continue for one century and keep up the game, just think about the cost of everything from cradle to 22 years old. All their fathers and guardians would lay out one hundred years of interest and interest upon interest. Guess at it and calculate how many hundred thousand millions of dollars it would amount to—mad rogues and thieves plundering the laboring man who sweats to earn his bread. Good common learning is the best; good books are best understood. Be honest—don’t be deceitful; it is a cheat. Be honest in all things now. Fear not; let this go as you find it. My way of spelling how is the strangest man.
T DEXTER
T DEXTER
fourder mister for A minester to git the tone is a grat pint when I lived in hamsher one Noue Lit babstis babler sobed A way just fineshing his sermon he says o good Lord I hop you will consider [13] what foue hints I have given and I will cleare it up sum time hence I am much wore down now the wether being very worme to day Less bray & so went on fire fire & brimstone & grunting & fithing and tried to cry & snufel & blow the sconks horne & sum the old souls & yong fouls sot to crying I tuck my hat and went out houe mankind & women kind is imposed upon all over the world more or less by preast craft o for shame o for shame I pittey them be onnest doue as you would wish others to doue unto you in all things Now fear of Death Amen
fourder mister for A minister to get the tone is a great point. When I lived in Hampshire, one New Light Baptist preacher was just finishing his sermon. He said, "Oh good Lord, I hope you will consider what four hints I have given and I will clear it up sometime later. I am much worn down now, the weather being very warm today. Less bray," and he went on with fire, fire, and brimstone, grunting and fighting, and tried to cry, and snuffle, and blow the conch horn, and some of the old souls and young folks started crying. I took my hat and went out. Mankind and womankind are imposed upon all over the world, more or less, by priestcraft. Oh for shame, oh for shame! I pity them. Be honest, do as you would wish others to do unto you in all things. Now, fear of death. Amen.
T D'r
T D'r
fourder what difrent wous wee have of this world & the other world two good women Lived in A town whare I once lived one was sick of a consumson Near Death both belonged to the Church very onnest only the well woman was week in wous & thing says unto the sik woman I thinks you will see my housbon doue tell him I and my son A greus very well and wee are all well and the sow is piged and got seaven prittey pigs and fare you well sister this I beleave is serting troue & so fare the well—I shall com A gane in Littel while
Wonder what different lives we have in this world and the next? Two good women lived in a town where I once lived. One was sick with tuberculosis, near death. Both belonged to the church and were very honest, but the healthy woman was weak in body and said to the sick woman, "I think you will see my husband soon. Tell him I, and my son, are doing very well and we are all okay. The sow has pigged and has seven pretty pigs. Farewell, sister. I believe this is certainly true, so goodbye for now—I shall come again in a little while."
and fourdermore I am for sum foue Decephons but very foue fouer then Deathe preast craft is very good for what to make old women gront and yong children cry and old fouls fling snort o ye's and brak up farimeys Doun by untrouths Lying and swaring to A Lye stop I am a Live old me I have heard your wickard stuff you have ingerd my frinds a plenty and if you dont stop I will call forth one Abraham bishup to put Niklos and all that trys to keep up Lying if there should be any such stuf in the Land Church members pant to be fonnd of Desepchon thay are perfect but if there is any put them with the tufe bourne the Roubege pise on it or that feare Not wind or filth go by the Rackel breed and wos then tourd I Like to sade Now shite stink strong bread & wine master botill houe is the boull a black man a frind to John mekel jentel man from A Crows Nest Whare Now where ass Cole cole ass whare whare Now whare o yefs sum whare deare oilen Now the Ingons Lived there onle that Cant be he was from hell whare his or was brother came from oyes oyess o yess a Crows Neast or orgen pouler Down
and furthermore, I am for some few deceptions but very few more than death. The priest's craft is very good for making old women grunt and young children cry while old fools fling snorts. Oh yes, and break up families down by untruths, lying, and swearing to a lie. Stop! I am alive, old man. I have heard your wicked stuff; you have angered my friends plenty, and if you don’t stop, I will call forth one Abraham Bishop to deal with Nicholas and all who try to keep up lying if there should be any such stuff in the land. Church members want to be found guilty of deception; they are perfect, but if there are any, put them with the tough-borne, the rubbish piece on it, or that fear not wind or filth. Go by the wrackle breed and worse then toward. I’d like to say now, shit stinks, strong bread & wine master bottle house. Is the bowl a black man a friend to John Meckel, a gentleman from a crow’s nest? Where now? Where’s Cole? Cole? Where? Where? Oh yes, somewhere dear oilman. Now the Ingons lived there only that can’t be. He was from hell, where his brother came from. Oh yes! A crow’s nest or organ powder down.
FROM THE MUSEUM OF
TIMOTHY DEXTER, ESQ.
Timothy Dexter, Esq.
Ime the first Lord in the younited States of A mercary Now of Newburyport it is the voise of the peopel and I cant Help it and so Let it goue Now as I must be Lord there will foler many more Lords prittey soune for it Dont hurt A Cat Nor the mouse Nor the son Nor the water Nor the Eare then goue on all in Easey Now bons broaken all is well all in Love Now I be gin to Lay the Corner ston with grat Remembrence of my father Jorge Washington the grate herow 17 sentreys past before we found so good A father to his children and Now gone to Rest Now to shoue my Love to my father and grate Carieters I will shoue the world one of the grate Wonders of the world in 15 months if Now man mourders me in Dors or out Dors such A mouserum on Earth will annonce O Lord thou knowest to be troue fourder hear me good Lord I am A goueing to Let or shildren know Now to see good Lord what has bin in the world grat wase back to own fore fathers Not old plimeth but stop to Addom & Eve to shoue 45 figers two Leged and fore Leged becose we Cant Doue well without fore Legd in the first plase they are our foude in the Next plase to make out Dexters mouseum I wants 4 Lions to defend thous grat and mistry men from East to wist from North to South which Now are at the plases Rased the Lam is Not Readey in short meater if Agreabel I forme A good and peasabel govement on my Land in Newburyport Compleat I take 3 presedents hamsher govener all to Noue York and the grate mister John Jay is one, that maks 2 in that state the king of grat britton mister pitt Roufus King Cros over to france Loues the 16 and then the grate bonnepartey the grate and there segnetoure Crow biddey—I Command pease and the gratest brotherly Love and Not fade be Linked to gether with that best of troue Love so as to govern all nasions on the fass of the gloub not to tiranize over them but to put them to order if any Despout shall A Rise as to boundreys or Any maturs of Importence it is Left france and grat britton and Amacarey to be setteled A Congress to be always in france all Despouts is to be thare seteled and this may be Dun this will balless powers and then all wars Dun A way there [15] fore I have the Lam to lay Dow with the Lion Now this may be Dun if thos three powers would A geray to Lay what is called Devel one side and Not Carry the gentelman pack hors Any longer but shake him off as dust on your feet and Laff at him there is a grate noise aboute a toue Leged Creter he says I am going to set sade black Divel there stop he would scare the womans so there would be No youse for the bilding I should have to E rect sum Noue won Now I stop hear I puts the Devil Long with the bull for he is a bulling 2 Leged Annemal stop put him one side Near Soloman Looking with Soloman to Ladey venus Now stop wind up there is grat ods in froute I will Let you know the sekret houe you may see the Devel stand on your head before a Loucking glass and take a bibel in to your bousom fast 40 owers and look in the loucking glass there is no Devilif you dont see the ould fellow but I affirm you will see that ould Devel
I'm the first Lord in the United States of America, now of Newburyport. It's the voice of the people, and I can't help it, so let it go. Now, as I must be Lord, there will follow many more Lords pretty soon, for it doesn't hurt a cat, nor the mouse, nor the sun, nor the water, nor the air. So go on, all in easy spirits. Now, with broken bonds, all is well, all in love. Now I begin to lay the cornerstone with great remembrance of my father, George Washington, the great hero. Seventeen centuries have passed before we found such a good father to his children, and now he has gone to rest. Now to show my love to my father and great characters, I will show the world one of the great wonders of the world in fifteen months, unless some murderer gets me indoors or outdoors. Such a museum on Earth will announce, "O Lord, Thou knowest to be true." Hear me, good Lord, I am going to let our children know the good Lord and what has been in the world, going way back to our forefathers—not just Plymouth but also to Adam and Eve, to show forty-five fingers, two-legged and four-legged, because we can’t do well without four-legged beings. In the first place, they are our foundation, and in the next place, to create out Dexter's museum, I want four lions to defend those great and mysterious men from east to west, from north to south. Now, we have raised the lamb, and it is not ready. In short, if agreeable, I form a good and peaceful government in my land in Newburyport. Complete. I take three presidents, Hamshere the governor, all to New York, and the great Mr. John Jay is one. That makes two in that state. The King of Great Britain, Mr. Pitt, along with King Louis XVI of France, and then the great Bonaparte— I command peace and the greatest brotherly love, and let us be linked together with the best of true love so as to govern all nations on the face of the globe, not to tyrannize over them, but to bring order. If any despot should arise regarding boundaries or any matters of importance, it is left to France, Great Britain, and America to be settled at a Congress always in France. All despots are to be settled there, and this may be done. This will balance powers, and then all wars will be put away. [15] For I have the lamb to lay down with the lion. This may be done if these three powers would agree to put what is called the devil aside and not carry the gentleman's pack horse any longer, but shake him off like dust from your feet and laugh at him. There is a great noise about a two-legged creature; he says, "I am going to set the sad black devil there." Stop! He would scare the women, so there would be no use for the building. I should have to erect someone new. Now, I stop here, I put the devil alongside the bull, for he is a bullying two-legged animal. Stop! Put him aside near Solomon, looking with Solomon to Lady Venus. Now, stop! Wind up; there is a great odds in front. I will let you know the secret: how you may see the devil stand on your head before a looking glass and take a Bible into your bosom for forty hours and look in the looking glass. There is no devil if you don’t see the old fellow, but I assure you will see that old devil.
Unto you all mankind Com to my hous to mock and sneare whi ye Dont you Lafe be fore god or I meane your betters think the heir power Dont know thorts and Axsions Now I will tell you good and bad it is Not pelite to Com to see what the bare walls keep of my ground if you are gentel men you would stay Away when all is Dun in marble I expect to goue out myself to Help if thous grat men will send on there Likeness all over the younited States I wish all the printers to give Notis if pleases to in form by printen in the Nouspapers for the good of the holl of man kind———
To all of you, humanity, who come to my house to mock and sneer, why don't you laugh before God? Or do you mean to say that your betters think the higher power doesn’t know your thoughts and actions? Now I will tell you the good and the bad: it is not polite to come and see what the bare walls contain of my property. If you are gentlemen, you would stay away. Once everything is done in marble, I expect to step out myself to help if those great men send their likenesses all over the United States. I would like all the printers to give notice, if you please, to inform by printing in the newspapers for the good of all humankind.
I waus to make my Enemys grin in time Lik A Cat over a hot puding and goue Away and hang there heads Doun Like a Dogg bin After sheep gilty stop see I am Afrade I Rite toue hash my peopel Complane of backker spittel maks work to Cleane it up——in the women skouls A bout it spit in ther hankershif or not spit A tall I must say sumthing or I should say Nothing therefore make sum Noise in the world when I git so ouely to Nash my goms and grising for water and that is salt water when brot A yong Devel to bring it and A Scoyer to wate and tend on gentelmen A black Suier his breth Smelt wos then bram stone by far but Let the Devel goue in to Darknes an takeld his due to Descare mankind for A Littel while this Cloven foot is seen be sum but the trap will over hall the Devel in tim I pittey this poore black man I thinc his master wants purging a Littel to har ber mr Devel A most but I did Not say Let him Run A way good Nit mr Devel Cary the sword and mwney with you tak John mekel Jentel man good Not
I want to make my enemies laugh like a cat over a hot pudding and then walk away with their heads down like a dog that's been caught after sheep. I’m afraid to write too harshly as my people might complain about the backwater spittle that makes it hard to clean up. In the women’s schools, it’s about whether to spit in their handkerchief or not spit at all. I have to say something; if I don’t, I might as well say nothing. So I’ll make some noise in the world while I sit here feeling lonely, trying to wash my gums and getting water that’s salty when it’s brought by a young devil. I have a squire to wait on gentlemen, a black servant whose breath smelled worse than brimstone. But let the devil go into darkness and take his due to scare mankind for a little while. This cloven-footed creature is seen by some, but the trap will eventually catch the devil. I pity this poor black man; I think his master needs a little purging. To hell with you, Mr. Devil, but I didn’t say let him run away. Good night, Mr. Devil. Carry the sword and money with you, and take John Meekle, a gentleman. Good night.
T DEXTER
T DEXTER
THIS COMETH GREETING
mister printers the Igrent or the Nowing wons says I ort to Doue as thay doue to keep up Cheats or the same thing Desephons to Deseave the Igrent so wee may Cheat and Likewise have wars and plunder my wish is all Liers may have there part of fier and brimstone in this world or at least sum part of it or Else the gouement is Not good it will want pourging soone if A Lawyer is to way Lay a man and brouse him unmassely All most to Death A sitteson that pays twentey fore Dolors for Careags and not more then one Dolor A week to ment the hiways and my being Libperel is in part of this bloddey Afare No sauage would beat a man as I was beaten almost to Death I Did not know houe these men Came to keep sade Lawyer from quit killing of me till sum time After three men saw the Axon of the blodey seene without massey and carried sade Dexter in to the house sun fanting or Neare to se and behold the orful site bleading and blind of one Eye twoue brousings in two hours at Least Now Laws in this part of the world for A man of money to Live those I lend money to and A Lawyer and others thay youse me the wost it maks Inemys then these Rogs if there is Any that call me A soull and pick a Qualrel with me A bout my Nous papers so as to pay the Lawyer Craft to make up the molton Calf A molton Calfe Not an Ox Now the town of Chester has Lost two Hundred wate of Siver at Least I beleuv more money Now thay may have me in the town or A Lawyer Chouse for yourselves my frinds and felow mortels pease be with you All A men selagh finely brethren sum thing more Coming——
Mister printers, the ignorant or the knowing ones say I ought to do as they do to keep up cheats or the same thing deceivers do to deceive the ignorant so we can cheat and also have wars and plunder. My wish is that all liars may face their share of fire and brimstone in this world, or at least some part of it, or else the government is not good and will need purging soon. If a lawyer is to waylay a man and beat him mercilessly, almost to death, a citizen who pays twenty-four dollars for carriages and not more than one dollar a week to mend the highways, and my being liberal is part of this bloody affair. No savage would beat a man as I was beaten, almost to death. I did not know how these men came to keep that lawyer from killing me until some time after. Three men saw the aftermath of the bloody scene without mercy and carried that Dexter into the house, semi-conscious or nearly dead, and behold the awful sight, bleeding and blind in one eye, with two beatings in at least two hours. Now, laws in this part of the world allow a man of wealth to live, and those I lend money to, including a lawyer and others, use me the worst. It makes enemies, and these rogues, if there are any who call me a soulless person and pick a quarrel with me about my newspapers, do so to pay the lawyer’s fees to make up the molten calf—a molten calf, not an ox. Now the town of Chester has lost at least two hundred weights of silver, I believe more money. Now they may have me in town or a lawyer's house for yourselves, my friends and fellow mortals, peace be with you all. Amen. Something more is coming——
Chester, Sept. 29, 1796.
Chester, Sept. 29, 1796.
TIMOTHY DEXTER
TIMOTHY DEXTER
For the Neutral News.
Messrs. Blunt & March,
Blunt & March,
I say to whom it may concern—to the majesty of the people of Newburyport, Greeting—
I say to whom it may concern—to the greatness of the people of Newburyport, Greetings—
It costs Eight hundred Dollars a year to support a watch in this town, and yer gentlemen's windows are broken, fences pulled down and Cellars broken open, and much other misdemeanors done at night. Are the watch asleep, or are they afraid to detect those who are guilty of such practises? Boast not of it if you call this Liberty and Equality. Newburyport has had the name of being [17] a very civil worthy place; it is a great pity some bad boys or young men should disgrace it. I hope our worthy and honorable rulers will bring those rude lads to see themselves and lick the dust like serpents, and ask forgiveness of their betters, and do so no more, but repent and live.
It costs eight hundred dollars a year to keep watch in this town, and your gentlemen's windows are broken, fences are torn down, cellars have been broken into, and many other wrongdoings happen at night. Are the watch asleep, or are they afraid to catch those responsible for such actions? Don’t brag about it if you call this liberty and equality. Newburyport has been known as [17] a very respectable place; it’s a shame that some troublemakers should tarnish its reputation. I hope our respected leaders will make these rowdy boys realize their mistakes and humble themselves, asking for forgiveness from those better than them, and that they will not do this again, but instead repent and change their ways.
Now fellow citizens is it wisdom, is it policy, to use a man or men so shocking bad as to oblige them to leave the town where they paid one Dollar a day to support government?
Now, fellow citizens, is it wise or sensible to treat a man or men so poorly that we force them to leave the town where they've contributed one dollar a day to support our government?
A friend to good order, honor to whom it belongs—to great men a friend—to all good citizens and honest men good bye.
A friend to good order, honor to whom it belongs—to great people a friend—to all good citizens and honest folks, goodbye.
Whereas many philosophers has judged or guessed at many things about this world, and so on. Now I suppose I may guess, as it is guessing times. I guess the world is one very large living creature, and always was, and always will be without any end from everlasting to everlasting, and no end. What grows on this large creature is trees and many other things. In the room of hair the rocks is moulds. This is called land where the hair grows, the belly the sea—all kinds of fish is the worms in the belly. This large body wants dressing to get our living of this creature and by industry we get a living—we and all the animal creation is less than fleas in comparison on the back or belly of this very large immense body. Among the hairs to work this great body is that of nature, past finding out.—All we know is we are here, we come into the world crying and go out groaning. Mankind is the master beast on the earth—in the sea, the whale is the head fish—the minim is the smallest fish—the great fish eat up the little ones, and so not only destroy one another, but they are master over the whole of beasts and fish, even over a lion, therefore man is the masterly beast and the worst of the whole—they know the most, and act the worst according to what they know. Seeing mankind so bad by nature, I think when the candle goes out, men and women is done, they will lay as dirt or rocks till the great gun fires, and when that goes off the gun will be so large that the gun will contain nine hundred million tons of the best of good powder, then that will shake and bring all the bones together, then the world will be to an end. All kinds of music will be going on, funding systems will be laid aside, [18] the melody will be very great. Now why cant you all believe the above written as well as many other things to be true; as well as what was set forth in the last Centinel concerning digging up a frog twenty five feet below the surface, where it was most as hard as a rock—there was his shape like taking a stone out of a rock—This is from a minister. Now why wont you believe me as well.
Whereas many philosophers have speculated about various aspects of this world, I suppose I can speculate too, since it's a time for guessing. I believe the world is one massive living creature, always has been, and always will be, existing from eternity to eternity without end. What grows on this giant creature includes trees and many other things. The room of hair is where the rocks are shaped. This is called land where the hair grows, while the belly represents the sea—all kinds of fish are like the worms in the belly. This enormous body needs care to provide us with a livelihood, and through our efforts, we earn a living—we and all of animal creation are less than fleas compared to the immense back or belly of this large body. Among the hairs that work this great body is the force of nature, impossible to fully comprehend. All we know is that we are here; we come into the world crying and leave it groaning. Mankind is the master creature on Earth—in the sea, the whale is the biggest fish—the minnow is the tiniest fish—the larger fish eat the smaller ones, leading to mutual destruction, but they dominate all beasts and fish, even lions. Thus, humans are the dominant creature and often the worst—they know the most and act the worst based on that knowledge. Observing humanity's inherent flaws, I think when the candle is extinguished, men and women will just lie there as dirt or rocks until the great cannon fires. When that happens, the cannon will be so immense, containing nine hundred million tons of the finest gunpowder, that it will shake everything and bring all bones together, signaling the end of the world. All kinds of music will play, and funding systems will be discarded, [18] and the melody will be grand. Now, why can't you all believe the above statements are true, just as you would with many other things, like what was mentioned in the last Centinel about digging up a frog twenty-five feet below the surface, where it was as hard as a rock—its shape as if it were carved from stone—this comes from a minister. So, why won't you believe me too?
WONDER OF WONDERS!
How great the soul is! Do not you all wonder & admire to see and behold and hear? Can you all believe half the truth, and admire to hear the wonders how great the soul is—only behold—past finding out! Only see how large the soul is!—that if a man is drowned in the sea, what a great bubble comes up out of the top of the water! the last of the man dying under water—this is wind—is the soul that is the last to ascend out of the deep to glory—it is the breath from on high doth go on high to glory. The bubble is the soul. A young fellow's for gunning for the good of bodies and souls.
How amazing the soul is! Don’t you all wonder and admire at what you see, hear, and behold? Can you believe even half the truth and still marvel at how incredible the soul is—just look—impossible to fully understand! Just see how vast the soul is! If a person drowns in the sea, what a huge bubble rises to the surface! The last remnants of a person dying underwater—this is the wind—it's the soul that is the last to rise from the depths to glory. It’s the breath from above that ascends to glory. The bubble is the soul. A young guy is out there hunting for the good of bodies and souls.
My frinds & felow mortals there is A first Cose of all things most Comle so it Came to pass that one Abraham bish up got A qanted with my Dafter—shee A babey he Old in Eage and Larning and Colage Lant & Lawyer Lant and preast Lant and masonik Lant and Divel Lant he was then Nothing as for Cash he being A fox and A old fox he was After the graps he tasted of them he Cryed out fower this Anne meal sent my Dafter home he sad A b did Not git all the Lovs & Littel fishes but got A part and Now 9 years I have Now had my Dafter Crasey in & by the Cose of this wild A & b hell on Earth o o pittey me All good felow mortels sade Creater A b mad with Larning & as pour as A snake and as proud as Lousfer he sade his father was worth twenty thosand Dolors & he was Not more than five thousand Dolors he send for bishup bass to be mared befor dublessed & Insisted to be maried he says Daxter may Crye them Down in the Lore Reogon After sum time thay got published then he in sisted Not to have Any witness went and [19] hid finly my gost my wife that was the gost 13 yearst Last march thay where maried I was maried to the gost thirtey five Last may I have bin in hell all the time more so sence Abraham bishup got in to my house he hurt me and familey one tun of silver it was the Cose of my parting with mis Dexter Now I Am free Now for A wife that has A sole the gost was A gisard & A Cose all Round her A b striking my Dafter on hur side as shee swares to grat Lawyer Dexter and to many others I be Leave it that knows the trouth the bloue he gave hur on the side shee had to put plasters on her side Neare three years when Likker is in the wit is scattered A b is the beast or Creater two Leged Conekett boull short Nek boull head thik hare big sholders black Corlley hare he wants to be A god but what I sot sade Creater Down at short A quatence I Can prove it my selfe by men of the sekent magentoude my gesing of the Creater it tourned out According to my gessing and when I see my father the grat good man father Thomas gefsion I will Let the Cat out of the bag and give Lite to the blind sade A b will Doue for sum offess Everye Annemel will Doue for sumthing A b will mak a midling good CAMP COLLEMON A thing hier if I am a Roug in grane so be it A Lepard Cant Alter hur spots Nor beaver wont groue on A houk back I be Leave if my father the presente koue the holl trouth of A b treatment to my Dafter from her mouth the grat man woul shead tears with greafe and all good peopel Like wise shocking is the A fare
My friends and fellow mortals, there is a first cause of all things most complex. So it came to pass that one Abraham Bishop got a courtship with my daughter—she a baby, he old in age and learning, to the point of being a lawyer and a priest and other things; he was nothing as for cash, being a sly fox and an old fox, always after the grapes. After he tasted them, he cried out for this and sent my daughter home. He said he didn’t get all the loaves and little fishes but got a part. Now, for nine years, I have dealt with my daughter’s craziness because of this wild Abraham and the hell on Earth. Oh, pity me! All good fellow mortals say the Creator is mad with learning and as poor as a snake, yet as proud as Lucifer. He claimed his father was worth twenty thousand dollars, but he was not worth more than five thousand. He sent for Bishop Bass to get married before I was doubted and insisted on being married, saying that Dexter could cry them down in the lower region. After some time, they got published, then he insisted on not having any witnesses. He went and hid my ghost, my wife, that was the ghost thirteen years last March. They were married. I was married to the ghost thirty-five last May. I have been in hell all this time, even more so since Abraham Bishop came into my house. He hurt me and my family—one ton of silver was the cause of my parting with Miss Dexter. Now I am free for a wife that has a soul; the ghost was a coward, and a cause all around her. Abraham struck my daughter on her side as she swears to great Lawyer Dexter and many others. I believe it from those who know the truth; the bruise he gave her on the side made her put plasters on her side for nearly three years. When liquor is in, the wit is scattered. Abraham is the beast or creature, two-legged, with a short neck, thick head, big shoulders, and black curly hair. He wants to be a god, but what I said about the Creator turned out to be true. When I see my father, the great good man Father Thomas Jefferson, I will let the cat out of the bag and shed light on the blind. Abraham will do for some offense; every animal will do for something. Abraham will make a reasonably good camp collection. If I am a rogue in grain, so be it; a leopard can’t change its spots nor can a beaver grow on a hook back. I believe if my father knew the whole truth of Abraham’s treatment of my daughter from her mouth, the great man would shed tears of grief, and all good people likewise. Shocking is the affair.
I am
I'm
TIMOTHY DEXTER
TIMOTHY DEXTER
To man kind at Large I Never had the honour to be Long I meane to that onerabel mesonek Order I Noked once once twise three times & the gohst Apeared sade thou shall Not enter be Cose I have toue much knowledge in my head—I sopose had I bin one then should bin to keep open Dors for thives & Robers I have Rougs plentey without keeping tavern I Dont wont Now Abrahams Nor Aney of the order only fict Ladeys mared and grat gentil men that belongs out of the town mared peopol and fine widders I wish to see with pleasur for I wonts to marey A fine wider for I hant had Now wife for thirteene years Next orgest I gave the gost fore hundred wate of silver to quit the state grat Lawyer passons the gient of the Law Rote the Contract the Cose of it was that mis [20] Dexter that was would have my Dafter marey to A bishup Cosed the A greement the sole Cose she has two trousteays which have the money to deal out the intress and shee is so ginress shee bys hur Neadels I bys the pins & sisers & all things Else shee Leaves the in tress in the hands of the trosteys I must have A Companon soun good by all At present with glorey
To mankind at large, I never had the honor of being long. I mean to that honorable Masonic Order. I knocked once, twice, three times, and the ghost appeared, saying, “You shall not enter because I have too much knowledge in my head.” I suppose if I had been one, I would be keeping doors open for thieves and robbers. I have plenty of rogues without running a tavern. I don’t want Abraham or any of the order, only fictional ladies married and great gentlemen who belong outside of town, married people, and fine widows I wish to see with pleasure because I want to marry a fine widow since I haven’t had a wife for thirteen years. The next largest I gave the ghost four hundred weight of silver to quit the state. A great lawyer, a pastor, the giant of the law wrote the contract. The cause of it was that Mr. Dexter would have my daughter marry a bishop. The agreement solely came because she has two trustees who manage the money and deal out the interest. She is so generous; she buys her needles, and I buy the pins, scissors, and all else she leaves in the trust of the trustees. I must have a companion soon, good by all. At present, with glory. [20]
TIMOTHY DEXTER
Timothy Dexter
I ask for giveness of the world of mankind for teling the trouth I meane No hurt to A flie only when he bits me then I kils the flye if I can I have bin my one tromter fore teene years my tromter is Dead my haveing so many wounds in fas and on my head I Doue it to make a good Lafe to keep my sperets from sinking pittey me all good peopel A men
I ask for forgiveness from the world of humanity for speaking the truth I mean. I don’t want to hurt a fly; I only kill it when it bites me, if I can. I have been my own trumpeter for ten years; my trumpet is dead. Having so many wounds on my face and head, I do it to create a good laugh to keep my spirits from sinking. Pity me, all good people. Amen.
and fourder I maried widder frothingham shee had fore Children the holl of all there stats was short of thirteene houndred Dolors this woman groed mad shee sade shee must goue to hell goue ferting for I have fined A ganst the holey goast un pardinbell sin shee was for making way with hur selfe in three monts I got the best minister in town to Lay the gost he prayed hartey but Could Not Laye the serpent only in part shee has bin Cracey Every sence it is A wonder I am A Live two children suked hur brest—it is heretarey two Children maried now Live upon me being disorded thay beat me offen with Death Cloube & the old gost toue bad to say I be silent under serkoumstanes I mus Cout & Roum sell the one of the first plases all most in the world for I am in grat fear of my Life being taken A way such blows I have had from toue or three gost in my familey is worth twelve hundred hoxets of geamator best shougers Even A saxton to take the blows I wodent for fifty milon Dollors words cant Express the bloddey war in my familey three gosts all Noys Robing of me I must sell with tears in my Eys I Cant see to Rite Aany more fare well I say good bye
and then I married Widow Frothingham. She had four children, and the total of all their debts was just under thirteen hundred dollars. This woman went mad; she said she must go to hell because I have sinned against the Holy Ghost and can't be forgiven. She attempted to take her own life. In three months, I got the best minister in town to lay the spirit. He prayed hard, but he could only partially get rid of the serpent. She has been crazy ever since. It’s a wonder I’m still alive. Two children nursed at her breast—it’s heresy. Two children married now live off me, and being disordered, they often beat me with death threats. The old ghost torments me. It’s hard to say I stay silent under these circumstances. I must count and roam, selling one of the first places almost in the world because I live in great fear of my life being taken away. The blows I have received from two or three ghosts in my family are worth twelve hundred boxes of gemator’s best shoemakers. Even a sexton to take the blows, I wouldn’t want for fifty million dollars. Words can't express the bloody war in my family. Three ghosts are all robbing me. I must sell; with tears in my eyes, I can't see to write anymore. Farewell, I say goodbye.
T DEXTER
T DEXTER
How Did Dexter make his money Inw ye says bying whale bone for stain for ships in grosing three houndred & 40 tuns bort all in boston salum and all in Noue york under Cover oppenly told them for my ships thay all Lafed so I had at my one prise I had four Couning men for Rouners thay souned the horne as I told them to Act the fool I was foull of Cash I had Nine tun of silver on hand at that time all that time the Creaters more or Less Lafing it spread very fast heare is the Rub in fifty Days thay smelt A Rat found whare it was gone to Nouebry Port speklaters swarmed Like hell houns to be short with it I made seventey five per sent one tun and halfe of silver and over one more spect Drole A Nouf I Dreamed of warming pans three Nits that thay would doue in the west ingas I got not more than fortey two thousand put them in Nine vessele for difrent ports that tuck good hold———I cleared sevinty nine per sent———the pans thay mad yous of them for Coucking very good master for Coukey blessed good in Deade missey got Nise handed Now bourn my fase the best thing I Ever see in borne days I found I was very luckkey in spekkelasion I Dreamed that the good book was Run Down in this Countrey Nine years gone so Low az halfe prise and Dull at that the bibbel I means I had the Readey Cash by holl sale I bort twelve per sent under halfe prise thay Cost forty one sents Each bibels twenty one thousand I put them into twenty one vessels for the westinges and sent A text that all of them must have one bibel in Every familey or if not thay would goue to hell and if thay had Dun wiked flie to the bibel and on thare Neas and kiss the bibel three times and Look up to heaven Annest for giveness my Capttens all had Compleat orders heare Coms the good Luck I made one hundred per sent & Littel over then I found I had made money A Nuf I hant speck A Lated sence old times by goverment secourties I made or cleared forty seven thousands Dolors that is the old A fare Now I toald the all the sekrett Now be still Let me A Lone Dont wonder Now more houe I got my money boaz
How did Dexter make his money? In New York, they say by buying whale bone for ship stains, grossing three hundred and forty tons, all in Boston and New York, openly telling them it was for my ships. They all laughed, so I had my own prize. I had four counting men for runners; they sounded the horn as I told them to act the fool. I was loaded with cash; I had nine tons of silver on hand at that time. During all that time, the creators were more or less laughing, and it spread very fast. Here’s the catch: in fifty days, they smelled a rat and found out where it had gone to Newbury Port. Speculators swarmed like crazy. To make a long story short, I made seventy-five percent on one and a half tons of silver and then a bit more. I dreamt of warming pans—three units that they would use in the West Indies. I got no more than forty-two thousand, putting them in nine vessels for different ports that took good hold. I cleared seventy-nine percent. The pans they made use of for cooking—very good, Master, for cooking. Blessed good indeed. I found I was very lucky in speculation. I dreamt that the good book had dropped in this country nine years ago for half price, and dull at that—the Bible, I mean. I had the ready cash for wholesale; I bought twelve percent under half price. They cost forty-one cents each, twenty-one thousand Bibles. I put them into twenty-one vessels for the West Indies and sent a text stating that all of them must have one Bible in every family or else they would go to hell. If they had done wickedly, they should fly to the Bible and on their knees kiss the Bible three times and look up to heaven and ask for forgiveness. My captains all had complete orders. Here comes the good luck: I made one hundred percent and a little over. Then I found I had made enough money. I hadn't speculated since old times by government securities; I made or cleared forty-seven thousand dollars. That’s the old affair. Now I told you all the secret. Now be still, let me alone. Don’t wonder anymore how I got my money, Boaz.
T DEXTER
T DEXTER
Now to all onnest men to pittey me that I have bin in hell: 35 years in this world with the gost A woman I maried and have two Children Now Liveing Abram bishup mared my Dafter sence the troubel is such that words Cant be Exprexed Nine years disorded [22] for a tun of silver for three months I could Not have the gost in my pallas sleep Not have to be had Now to save my Life I will sell if Not I will Let the house it is as Notted as Any hous in the oile shouls and furder in the world or sence Noers Arke & sence the floud taking in my self finly such A plase No whare in the world all gous with it hoses chareags all but plate & gouels A Reserve the holey bybel and one bouck more my old head has wore out three boddeys it would take a journey of Docters one our to find and Count the scars on my head given by the goust & others Amen
Now to all honest people, pity me for I have been in hell: 35 years in this world with the ghost. I married a woman and have two children who are now living. Abram Bishop married my daughter. Since the trouble is such that words can't express it, I've been disordered for nine years. [22] For a ton of silver for three months, I could not have the ghost in my palace sleep. I do not have it anymore. Now, to save my life, I will sell it; if not, I will let the house. It is as neglected as any house in the oil fields and further in the world, or since Noah's Ark and since the flood. I have taken myself to such a place no where in the world, all goes with it: houses, carriages, all but plates and goblets. I reserve the Holy Bible and one more book. My old head has worn out three bodies; it would take a journey of doctors an hour to find and count the scars on my head given by the ghost and others. Amen.
Joune 12- 1805 Clean trouth
June 12, 1805 Clean truth
T DEXTER
T DEXTER
I say the grate mister Divel that has so maney Nick Names a frind to the preasts Now is dead all and the pope Likewise and the founders of mesonic A Cheat foull of war and gratness of hell Dead preasts Dead and Lawyers Damede Deade A braham b bi Ass Dead and All the frinds of mankind sings prasses that wee are the grat familey of mankind Now out of hell Deleured from fire and smoak bourning for Ever Now all in heaven uppon Earth Now all frinds Now for A Day of Regoising all over the world as one grate familey all Nasions to be ounited No more wars for fifty years and Longer I Recommend pease A Congress in france and when wee are Ripe for A Emper in this Contrey Call for me to take the helm or a Consler in the Afare of trouth Amen and Amen
I speak of the great Mr. Devil, who has so many nicknames, a friend to the priests, now dead, along with the Pope and the founders of the Masonic order, a deceitful thing full of war and the greatness of hell. Dead priests. Dead lawyers. Damned. Dead Abraham and all the friends of humanity sing praises that we are the great family of mankind, now out of hell, delivered from fire and smoke burning forever. Now all in heaven upon Earth. Now all friends. Now for a day of rejoicing all over the world as one great family, all nations to be united. No more wars for fifty years and longer. I recommend peace, a Congress in France, and when we are ready for an Emperor in this country, call on me to take the helm or a counselor in the affairs of truth. Amen and amen.
TIMOTHY DEXTER
TIMOTHY DEXTER
P S—one thing further I happened not to think of that grate Creature which some fools Call the Goast and others say that he is wanted—But I thing that it will be of searvice to let the Thanttron Dye
P.S.—There's one more thing I didn’t think about, that great creature which some idiots call a ghost, and others say he’s needed—but I think it will be helpful to let the Thanatron die.
T DEXTER
T DEXTER
Scarting trouths fortey six years gone old french war to git men and Lads to List the prests told them thay would Live as Long as if thay staed at home for Every boulitt had its Commison from the Lord he directed them one time when old good mister Emmerson had A gurnemon to preach I heard him say for Addom sin there was Now in hell milons of milons of Children Not more than A [23] span Long all this is troue and when there was a A Drouth most over thay would Call A fast and pray very Annest for the bottels of heaven to be on Corked so the Rane mit Com Down the minester did Not say how Larg thay whare I gess they held five hundred hoxetts Each
Scarting truths forty-six years ago during the old French war to get men and boys to enlist, the priests told them they would live as long as if they stayed at home because every bullet had its commission from the Lord. He directed them one time when old Mr. Emerson had a sermon to preach. I heard him say that for Adam’s sin, there were now in hell millions and millions of children, not more than a span long. All this is true, and when there was a drought, they would call a fast and pray earnestly for the bottles of heaven to be uncorked so the rain could come down. The minister didn’t say how large they were; I guess they held five hundred hogsheads each. [23]
1805 may 27
May 27, 1805
TIMOTHY DEXTER
TIMOTHY DEXTER
Trouth I afirme I am so much of A foule the Rougs want to git my Jouels & Loavs & Littel fishes without my Leave Leave is Lit thay all Caled me A foull forty years Now I will Call all fouls but onnes men Now to brove me A foull I Never Could sing Nor play Cards Nor Dance Nor tell A Long storey Nor play on Any mouskel Nor pray Nor make A pen when I was young I Could play on A Jous harp it would mak my mouth warter and the Ladeys sumthing warter gess what I sade Nothing A good Lafe is beter than Crying A Clam will Cry And warter wen thay are out of there Ellemen so wee the same if I had Not the gost in my house I would I mean give Lite to my brothers & sisters and have A pease all over the world and beat the trouthe into my frinds houe goud it is houe onnest it would be and houe man kind has bin in posed upon & houe thay have bin blinded with untrouths gosts and mister Divels there is Now None of that order all Lye the mesonek if thay wilt make a book of trouth I will give the Creaters but I will take the Chare and put my frind bonne partey on my Rte hand And the grat ginrel meroue on my Left hand A Nuf to give the sword is in the banks A Emper only be still I will take the helm in Love I am A quaker No blod spiled all in the Love of A Emper you will have in fortey years I may Com back & see houe you all goue on & what you ware when the gost is gone and mister Divel pease on Earth be fore I will have a war in my Day I will be your frind the Emper and if I want help I will Call my frind boneypartey and gorge the third & Dewide the Lose Now take Care peas I say Except of what is Rewealed to me for it will Com to pass I was born when grat powers Rouled I was borne in 1747 Janeuarey 22 on this day in the morning A grat snow storme the sines in the seventh house wives mars Came fored Joupeter stud by houlding the Candel I was to be one grat man mars got the beth to be onnest man to Doue good to my felow mortelz I think I am A quaker [24] but I have so Littel sense I Cant Deseave I Can swep my hous & git all A Noue gelt & goue out of hell is bless Law and trouth and Reason on my side it must be done when I git my worthy widdow it is Dun Not one word of Anger as Long as I Live to a A good woman I a firme
Though I affirm I am such a fool, the rogues want to take my jewels, loaves, and little fish without my permission. They have all called me a fool for forty years. Now I will call all fools but myself to prove me a fool. I never could sing, play cards, dance, tell a long story, play any musical instrument, pray, or make a pen. When I was young, I could play the jew's harp, and it would make my mouth water—and the ladies something water too. Guess what I said? Nothing. A good laugh is better than crying. A clam will cry and produce water when it’s out of its element, so we are the same. If I didn’t have the ghost in my house, I would mean to bring light to my brothers and sisters and have peace all over the world and share the truth with my friends. Imagine how honest it would be and how humanity has been deceived and blinded by untruths, ghosts, and Mr. Devil. There is none of that now. All lie, the mason would say. If they make a book of truth, I will give to the creators; but I will take the chair and put my friend Bonaparte on my right hand and the great General Merovee on my left hand. Enough to give; the sword is in the banks. An emperor, only be still. I will take the helm in love. I am a Quaker. No blood is spilled in the love of an emperor. You will have, in forty years, I may come back and see how you all go on and what you wear when the ghost is gone and Mr. Devil. Peace on Earth! Before I have a war in my day, I will be your friend, the Emperor. And if I need help, I will call my friend Bonaparte and George the Third, and decide the loss. Now take care, peace I say, except for what is revealed to me, for it will come to pass. I was born when great powers ruled. I was born on January 22, 1747, on a morning with a great snowstorm. The signs were in the seventh house, while Mars came forward. Jupiter stood by holding the candle; I was to be a great man. Mars got the bet to be an honest man, to do good to my fellow mortals. I think I am a Quaker. [24] But I have so little sense I can’t deceive. I can sweep my house and gather all and get out of hell. There is blessed law and truth and reason on my side. It must be done when I get my worthy widow; it is done. Not one word of anger as long as I live to a good woman, I affirm.
TIMOTHY DEXTER
Timothy Dexter
fourder I Dont have Aney of the Ladeys of prinsbell spend the Intress I will spend Day and Nite All I have and Doue all the good to please I can make as much heaven upon Earth as posbel and then Dye in peas A men and Amen for A Companon I must have to make out this heaven then I am happy the goue in the dark in pease when the Candel gous out in the—Lord god of Nater one more A men good bye
fourder I don't have any of the ladies of Prince Bell spend the interest I will spend day and night all I have and do all the good to please I can make as much heaven on earth as possible and then die in peace. A men and amen for a companion I must have to make out this heaven then I am happy. The glow in the dark in peace when the candle goes out in the—Lord God of nature one more amen goodbye.
T DEXTER
T Dexter
forder A grate good man Came to see me Not Long sence I told sade man I had many Innemys he says be Cos you are toue onnest to be beloved you Dont gine in Comon ways with Rougs bibel making mesonik order to promes to pay & Never pay only with A Lye and gine heell on Earth Cheat all you Can gine the mob then you are A brother Now I am glad I did Not Nock the Doer Down my good Louck my god and my god blessed be my good Luch
A great, good man came to see me not long ago. I told that sad man I had many enemies. He said it's because I'm too honest to be loved. I don't go along with the usual ways of rogues, making deals to promise to pay and then never paying, only giving a lie in return. Cheat as much as you can, join the mob, and then you're a brother. Now I’m glad I didn’t knock the door down. My good luck, my God, and may God bless my good luck.
T DEXTER
T DEXTER
sum more sweet meats & trouths I say Now man sence Noers Ark Dare to Rite of so Littel Laning I begon when abrham was in my hous I then Rote this world was hell & men was Divels sum better then others sum white Divels sum black & sum Copper Divels I for got them bloue Divels this spred far was printed in many papers a bishop Cosed my blood to bile thirteene years last March as when I begun to Rite I sade the grat Rougs was the best men o o for shame the onnest man was Lafed at & a b being foull of Larning it maks him mad to be a Lousefer his Rane is short I hope to see my father the grat felosfer the presedent before I die the trouth he must know a men
sum more sweet meats & truths I say Now man's sense Noah's Ark Dare to Write of so Little Landing I began when Abraham was in my house I then Wrote this world was hell & men were Devils some better than others some white Devils some black & some Copper Devils I forgot them blue Devils this spread far was printed in many papers a bishop Caused my blood to boil thirteen years last March as when I began to Write I said the great Rogues were the best men oh oh for shame the honest man was Laughed at & a being full of Learning it makes him mad to be a Lousefer his Range is short I hope to see my father the great philosopher the president before I die the truth he must know a man
T DEXTER
T Dexter
I Crys Crys Lik a babey when I Rits my trobel is so grat to have my Dafter so Crasey the Rick of our Lives such blows with such weapons of a sudden & strike such brouses is worth thirty [25] millon of Dolors for a pouer man to have and others o brous me thay wont my Life to git my money & so I must seel & be a sitteson of the world it is a wonder I am a Live the burds will Chip offen before I Can git to sleep the Noys is so grate all hell No more a b bishups he wants to be Deatey Let sade beast goue once & twise act so Now toue much Laning make Rougs and fouls in the Eand Dig a Dich & fall in to it white Rop or a hare Rop taks them in time
I cry like a baby when I write; my troubles are so great. It's amazing to have my daughter. The risks in our lives hit us hard, and dealing with that pain feels worth millions of dollars to a poor man. Others want my life so they can get my money, so I have to sell out and fit in with the world. It's a miracle I'm even alive. The birds chirp so loudly I can't sleep at all. The noise is overwhelming. No more of these bishops; they want to be dead. Let the savage beast go once or twice. Too much learning makes fools and rogues. Dig a ditch and you might just fall into it. A white rope or a hare rope can save them in time. [25]
trouth
truth
This is revealed to me how the world was made with what stuff it was made with is the question Now I tell the with paper pen and ink and type the Anemels to be the founders of it with a Lye & Lyes upon Lyes wose then beasts or Snaks or wouls or bars tigers Divils and ten times wose with all Lyes untrouths the world allways was and is Look out for trouth a men I
This shows me how the world was created and what materials were used. Now I’ll explain it using paper, pen, ink, and type. The animals are the creators of it, with lies upon lies—worse than beasts, snakes, wolves, or tigers, filled with deception and even worse lies. The world has always been and still is like this. Watch out for the truth, my friend.
TIMOTHY DEXTER
TIMOTHY DEXTER
fourder in six Days and verey good and harde Laber I Cant gitt my monement Dun in sixty Days and work hard very hard & sweet it was for want of maney hands I had No hiram Nor Solomon only my selfe
fourder in six days and very good and hard labor I can't get my movement done in sixty days and work hard very hard & sweet it was for want of many hands I had no hire nor Solomon only myself
T DEXTER
T DEXTER
World makers mankind with marbel and parchment and paper pen & ink and printers tips and Lyes upon Lyes amen and amen the world was made in six Days out of Nothing o yess o lye Now all troue Lye yess all the world over
World creates humanity with marble, parchment, paper, pen & ink, and printers' tips, built on lies upon lies, amen and amen. The world was made in six days out of nothing, oh yes, oh lie. Now all true lies, yes, all over the world.
TIMOTHY DEXTER
TIM DEXTER
APPENDIX.
IN HONOR OF
TIMOTHY DEXTER, ESQ.
In honor of Timothy Dexter, Esq.
This great philosopher may indeed be styled a phenomenon in nature! The many literary qualifications he possesses rank him foremost among literary characters.——That unequalled production from the pen of this wonderful philosopher, denominated "A Pickle for the Knowing Ones," has not only received universal applause, and been ranked as of the first magnitude in the literary world, but has had such rapidity in its sale, that a copy cannot be procured, though diligently sought after by men of the most transcendant merit.
This great philosopher can truly be called a phenomenon in nature! His numerous literary qualifications place him at the top among literary figures. That unmatched work from the pen of this remarkable philosopher, titled "A Pickle for the Knowing Ones," has not only received widespread acclaim and been ranked among the best in the literary world, but it has sold so quickly that even the most distinguished individuals cannot find a copy, no matter how hard they try.
Where can we find a man so extensively useful, and so eminently calculated to diffuse light to a dark and ignorant multitude, as this rare philosopher? How penetrating his understanding! How deep his ideas! What a multitude of discoveries which before were hid in embryo, have made their appearance at the nod of his genius! Surely we may say, Blessed are the people who are highly favored with the greatest Luminary that ever gave light to an existing world!!
Where can we find a man who is so incredibly useful and so uniquely able to bring knowledge to a dark and ignorant crowd like this rare philosopher? His understanding is so insightful! His ideas are so profound! So many discoveries that were once hidden have come to light at the command of his genius! Surely, we can say, Blessed are the people who are fortunate enough to have the greatest light that has ever illuminated the world!!
While aiming at a just portrait of this remarkable Naturalist and Philosopher, his generosity is no less a subject of admiration, than his literary and philosophical abilities. The readiness with which his benevolent soul bestows donations calls forth the grateful acknowledgement of all who have been liberally assisted from his bountiful hand.
While striving for an accurate portrayal of this exceptional naturalist and philosopher, his generosity is just as admirable as his literary and philosophical talents. The eagerness with which his kind spirit offers donations inspires heartfelt gratitude from all who have benefitted from his generous support.
See him the first to assist in building a church for the worship of God! See him liberally give for the purchase of bells, the ready cash, without hesitation! See him expending his fortune to preserve in everlasting romembrance, characters who have shone with [27] unexampled greatness in Europe and America! Here the subject fails. Vain man may as well attempt to stop the course of nature, as to do ample justice to this wonderful man!
See him as the first to help build a church for the worship of God! Watch him generously contribute cash for the purchase of bells, without a second thought! See him spending his wealth to keep the memory alive of those who have achieved remarkable greatness in Europe and America! Here, the topic falls short. A foolish person might as well try to stop the flow of nature as to fully honor this incredible man!
Behold all nature stands aghast
Look, all nature is shocked.
To hear thy fame from east to west!
To hear your fame from east to west!
How great how grand of thee we hear,
How amazing and impressive you are,
Thou man of sense—thou eastern star!
You wise man—you shining star of the East!
All men inquire—but few can tell
All people ask questions—but few can provide answers.
How thou in science doth excel!
You're great at science!
Great philosophic genius, we,
Great philosophical genius, we,
The meanest reptiles, bow the knee.
The cruelest reptiles, bow down.
At thy majestic shrine we shrink!
At your majestic shrine, we feel small!
What can we do, or say, or think!
What can we do, say, or think!
When contemplating on thy worth.
When thinking about your worth.
Which hath astonish'd all the earth.
Which has astonished everyone on earth.
Great DEXTER, did the world do right,
Great DEXTER, did the world do good,
Thy name would shine with brilliant light!
Your name would shine with brilliant light!
Each would declare thy wond'rous fame,
Each would proclaim your amazing reputation,
And shout at DEXTER'S mighty name!
And shout out the powerful name of DEXTER!
Salem, June 14, 1805
Salem, June 14, 1805
My Lord Dexter,
Lord Dexter,
By the politeness of Mr. Emerson I received the very valuable contents of your package. A new edition of that unprecedented performance, entitled "A Pickle for the Knowing Ones," &c. is very urgently called for by the friends of literature in this country and in England—and I presume with the additions and improvements intended to accompany the second edition, provided it should be well printed, would entitle the author to a seat with the Disciples of Sir Joseph Banks, if not to a place in Bonaparte's Legion of Honor—for my Lord DEXTER is an honorable man. But, sir, the work cannot be executed for the sum named—nor in the time specified.—I will print an edition of 500 copies with the additions, for fifty dollars, and cannot possibly do them for less.
Thanks to Mr. Emerson, I received your package with its valuable contents. There’s a strong demand for a new edition of that groundbreaking work, titled "A Pickle for the Knowing Ones," etc., from literature enthusiasts in this country and in England. I believe that with the additions and improvements planned for the second edition, and if it’s well-printed, the author would deserve a spot among the Disciples of Sir Joseph Banks, if not a place in Bonaparte's Legion of Honor—because my Lord DEXTER is a respectable man. However, sir, the work cannot be done for the amount mentioned—nor in the time specified. I can print an edition of 500 copies with the additions for fifty dollars, and I absolutely cannot do it for less.
Wishing your Lordship health in perpetuity—a continuance of your admirable reasoning faculties—good spirits, and an abundance of wealth—and finally a safe passage over any river not with Sticks, but a pleasure boat, I remain yours with the utmost profundity.
Wishing you health forever, continued sharp thinking, good vibes, and plenty of wealth—and finally, a smooth ride across any river, not on Sticks, but on a nice boat. I remain yours sincerely.
W. CARLTON.
W. Carlton
The Right Honorable Lord Dexter,
Kt. Newburyport.
The Right Honorable Lord Dexter,
Knight of Newburyport.
The follering peases are not my Riting but very drole
The following pieces aren’t my writing but are very funny
TIMOTHY DEXTER
Timothy Dexter
Mr. Melcher,
Mr. Melcher
Your publishing the following extract from a letter said to be from a trader among the Indians to a friend, may amuse some of your customers for the Gazette.
Your publication of the following excerpt from a letter supposedly written by a trader among the Indians to a friend might entertain some of your Gazette readers.
A few days ago one of the Indians paid me a visit. After some conversation, he said that a minister from the United States had been with his tribe to teach them the Christian religion. He says that there is but one only living and true God, who is a good, wise, and powerful spirit (this Indian say too) and that there are three persons in the god head, of one substance and power, God the father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost, that the Father is of none, neither begotten, or proceeding, the Son is eternally begotten of the Father, the Holy Ghost eternally proceeding from the Father and the Son, and that the Holy Ghost visited a virgin, and conveyed the Son into her; where he continued nine moons and then was born like other children, was born God and man, that when he was about thirty years old began to preach, but the great men no like his preaching, sent their warriors, who took and killed him.
A few days ago, one of the Native Americans came to see me. After chatting for a bit, he mentioned that a minister from the United States had been with his tribe to teach them about Christianity. He stated that there is only one living and true God, who is a good, wise, and powerful spirit. This Indian also said that there are three persons in the Godhead, all of one substance and power: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. He explained that the Father is not begotten or proceeding from anyone, the Son is eternally begotten of the Father, and the Holy Spirit eternally proceeds from both the Father and the Son. He added that the Holy Spirit visited a virgin and conceived the Son; He stayed for nine months and was then born like other children, both God and man. He went on to say that when Jesus was about thirty years old, He began to preach, but the powerful people disliked His preaching, so they sent their warriors to arrest and kill Him.
Indians ask what all this talk mean, he say that the first man and woman broke God's law in eating what God had forbidden, that therefore they and all the children that should proceed from them must die, and be punished after death forever; that the Son came and died to save some of mankind from being punished after death. Oh! 'trange that man could kill God the Son, and that his death be of service to mankind—great many people die before the Son of God, and did not know any thing about him—it was then asked whether his dying would do poor Indians any good; he say yes, if they believe; then me say that pappoose no believe them do no good; he say you must leave that with God, and believe for yourself—one say it is hard to believe such 'tories; if Indian tell such 'trange things, the white people no believe um.
Indians ask what all this talk means, and he says that the first man and woman broke God's law by eating what God had forbidden. Because of that, they and all their descendants must die and be punished after death forever. The Son came and died to save some of mankind from that punishment after death. Oh! It's strange that man could kill God the Son, and that his death could benefit mankind—many people died before the Son of God and didn’t know anything about him. Then it was asked whether his dying would do poor Indians any good; he said yes, if they believe. Then I said that babies who don’t believe won’t get any good from it; he said you must leave that to God and believe for yourself. One person mentioned that it’s hard to believe such stories; if an Indian tells such strange things, white people don’t believe them.
A curious Sermon, by the Rev. Mr. Hyberdin, which he made at the request of certain thieves that robbed him on a hill near Hartlgrow, in Hampshire, (England) in their presence and at that instant.
A strange sermon by Rev. Mr. Hyberdin, delivered at the request of some thieves who robbed him on a hill near Hartlgrow, Hampshire, England, right in front of them and at that moment.
I greatly marvel that any man will disgrace thieving, and think that the doers thereof are worthy of death, considering it as a thing that cometh near unto virtue, being used in all countries, and allowed by God himself; the thing which I cannot compendiously show unto you at so short a warning, and on so sharp an occasion. I must desire you, gentle audience of thieves, to take in good part what at this time cometh into my mind, not doubting but that you, through your good knowledge, are able to add much more unto it, than this which I shall now offer unto you.
I really wonder why anyone would shame thievery and think that those who do it deserve to die, considering it's something that's almost seen as virtuous, practiced in all cultures, and even accepted by God; I can’t explain it all to you quickly and in such a tense moment. I ask you, kind audience of thieves, to take in a good spirit what I'm about to share, trusting that your wisdom can add a lot more to what I will present now.
First, Fortitude and stoutness of courage, and also boldness of mind, is commended of some men to be a virtue; which being granted, who is there then that will not judge thieves to be virtuous? For they are of all men the most stout and hardy, and the most void of fear; for thieving is a thing usual among all men; for not only you that are here present, but also many others in divers places, both men, women and children, rich and poor, are daily of the faculty, as the hangman at Newgate can testify; and that it is allowed of by God himself is evident from Scripture; For if you examine the whole course of the Bible you will find that thieves have been beloved of God; for Jacob, when he came out of Mesopotamia, did steal his uncle Laban's kids. The same Jacob did also steal his brother Esau's blessing; and yet God said, I have chosen Jacob and refused Esau. The children of Israel, when they came out of Egypt, did steal the Egyptian's jewels of silver and jewels of gold, as God commanded them to do.
First, courage and strength of mind are praised by some as a virtue; if that’s the case, who can say that thieves aren’t virtuous? They are among the most daring and fearless people, and stealing is common among everyone; it’s not just those of you here, but many others in different places—men, women, and children, rich and poor—engage in it daily, as the hangman at Newgate can confirm. It’s clear from Scripture that even God allows this; if you look through the Bible, you’ll see that thieves have found favor with God. For instance, Jacob, when he left Mesopotamia, stole his uncle Laban’s livestock. This same Jacob also took his brother Esau’s blessing, and still God said, I have chosen Jacob and refused Esau. The Israelites, when they left Egypt, took the Egyptians' gold and silver jewels, just as God instructed them to do.
David, in the days of Abiathar, the high priest, came into the temple and stole the hallowed bread; and yet God said, "David is a man after my own heart." Christ himself, when he was here on earth, did take an ass and colt that was none of his; and yet God said, "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased." Thus you see that God delighted in thieves.
David, during the time of Abiathar, the high priest, entered the temple and took the sacred bread; and still God said, "David is a man after my own heart." Even Christ, when he was on earth, took a donkey and a colt that didn't belong to him; and yet God said, "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased." So you see that God took pleasure in thieves.
But most of all I marvel that men can despise thieves, whereas in many points you be like Christ himself; for Christ had no dwelling place no more than you—Christ at length was caught, and so will you—he went to hell and so will you. In this you differ from him, for he rose and went into heaven—so you will [30] never do without God's great mercy, which God grant you. To whom with the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, be all honor and glory, for ever and ever. Amen.
But what really amazes me is that people can look down on thieves, even though in many ways you are just like Christ himself. Like Christ, you have no permanent home—He too was caught in the end, and so will you be. He went to hell, and so will you. The difference is that He rose and went to heaven—something you will never do without God's immense mercy, which I hope God grants you. To Him, along with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, be all honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. [30]
From the Providence Phœnix, December 1804.
MARQUIS OF NEWBURYPORT!!
Marquis of Newburyport!!
[On Monday last arrived in this town the most noble and illustrious Lord TIMOTHY DEXTER, of Newburyport, Massachusetts, who has since his arrival requested the publication of the following stanzas in this day's paper, as a humble tribute to the incomprehensible majesty of his name! While they serve as a brilliant specimen of the gifted talents and admirable sublimity of the Laureat, from whose pen they flowed, the virtuoso in genealogies, and the worshippers of noble rank and boundless fortune may derive a rich and delicious satisfaction from the subject to which they are devoted!
Last Monday, the most noble and distinguished Lord TIMOTHY DEXTER arrived in this town from Newburyport, Massachusetts. Since his arrival, he has requested that the following stanzas be published in today’s paper as a humble tribute to the incredible grandeur of his name! While these lines showcase the remarkable talents and admirable excellence of the poet who wrote them, those interested in genealogy, as well as admirers of noble status and immense wealth, will find great pleasure in the topic they discuss!
ADVERTISEMENT EXTRA.
OF THE CELEBRATED
LORD DEXTER.
ADVERTISEMENT EXTRA.
FEATURING THE FAMOUS
LORD DEXTER.
LORD DEXTER is a man of fame,
LORD DEXTER is a well-known man,
Most celebrated is his name;
His name is the most celebrated;
More precious far than gold that's pure,
More valuable than gold,
Lord Dexter live for evermore.
Lord Dexter live forever.
His noble house it shines more bright
His noble house shines even brighter.
Than Lebanon's most pleasant height,
Than Lebanon's highest point,
Never was one who step'd therein
Never was one who stepped in there.
Who wanted to come out again.
Who wanted to come out again?
His house is fill'd with sweet perfumes,
His house is filled with sweet scents,
Rich furniture doth fill his rooms;
His rooms are filled with rich furniture;
Inside and out it is adorn'd,
Inside and out, it is decorated,
And on the top an eagle's form'd.
And on top is an eagle's shape.
His house is white and trimm'd with green,
His house is white with green trim,
For many miles it may be seen;
For many miles, it can be seen;
It shines as bright as any star,
It shines as brightly as any star,
The fame of it has spread afar.
Its fame has spread far and wide.
Lord Dexter, thou, whose name alone
Lord Dexter, you, whose name alone
Shines brighter than king George's throne;
Shines brighter than King George's throne;
Thy name shall stand in books of fame,
Your name will be remembered in history books,
And Princes shall his name proclaim.
And princes will declare his name.
Lord Dexter hath a coach beside,
Lord Dexter has a coach beside,
In pomp and splendor he doth ride;
In pomp and splendor, he rides;
The horses champ the silver bitt,
The horses chew on the silver bit,
And throw the foam around their feet.
And toss the foam around their feet.
The images around him stand,
The images around him remain,
For they were made by his command;
For they were created by his command;
Looking to see Lord Dexter come,
Looking to see Lord Dexter arrive,
With fixed eyes they see him home.
With fixed eyes, they watch him go home.
Four lions stand to guard the door,
Four lions stand guard at the door,
With their mouths open to devour
With their mouths open to devour
All enemies who do disturb
All enemies who cause trouble
Lord Dexter or his shady grove.
Lord Dexter or his shady grove.
Lord Dexter, like king Solomon,
Lord Dexter, like King Solomon,
Hath gold and silver by the ton,
Hath gold and silver by the ton,
And bells to churches he hath given,
And he has given bells to churches,
To worship the great king of heaven.
To worship the great king of heaven.
His mighty deeds they are so great,
His amazing accomplishments are so impressive,
He's honor'd both by church and state,
He's respected by both the church and the government,
And when he comes all must give way,
And when he arrives, everyone must step aside,
To let Lord Dexter bear the sway.
To allow Lord Dexter to have control.
When Dexter dies all things shall droop,
When Dexter dies, everything will fall apart,
Lord East, Lord West, Lord North shall stoop,
Lord East, Lord West, Lord North will bow,
And then Lord South with pomp shall come,
And then Lord South will arrive in grand style,
And bear his body to the tomb.
And carry his body to the grave.
His tomb most charming to behold,
His tomb is a sight to see,
A thousand sweets it doth unfold;
A thousand treats it shows;
When Dexter dies shall willows weep,
When Dexter dies, willows will weep,
And mourning friends shall fill the street.
And grieving friends will fill the street.
May Washington immortal stand,
May Washington stand forever,
May Jefferson by God's command
May Jefferson by God's will
Support the right of all mankind,
Support the rights of all humanity,
John Adams not a whit behind.
John Adams is not behind at all.
America with all your host,
America, with all your guests,
Lord Dexter in a bumper toast;
Lord Dexter in a big toast;
May he enjoy his life in peace,
May he live his life in peace,
And when he's dead his name not cease.
And when he's dead, his name won't stop.
In heaven may he always reign,
In heaven, may he always rule,
For there's no sorrow, sin, nor pain:
For there's no sorrow, sin, or pain:
Unto the world I leave the rest,
Unto the world I leave the rest,
For to pronounce Lord Dexter blest.
For saying Lord Dexter is blessed.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ?????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????!??????????????? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ...................................... ...................................... ...................................... ...................................... -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- --------------------------------------
Transcriber's Note: The block of punctuation (on a page by itself) is inexplicably left unexplained in this edition. Dexter wrote before it in the second edition:
Transcriber's Note: The block of punctuation (on a page by itself) is inexplicably left unexplained in this edition. Dexter wrote about it in the second edition:
"fouder mister printer the Nowing ones complane of my book the fust edition had no stops I put in A Nuf here and thay may peper and solt it as they plese"
"Founder Mister Printer, the knowing ones complain about my book; the first edition had no punctuation. I’ve added enough here, and they can criticize it as they please."
Download ePUB
If you like this ebook, consider a donation!